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ENTERTAINME 


$ TONY 
CURTIS" 
DAUGHTER 
MAKES A 

SMASH DEBUT 
LOVE AND LUST 
WHY MEN AND 
WOMEN ARE SO 
HIT-AND-MISS 


о "300955 || 


The men never asked, 


the women never told, 
and martinis were their passion. 


When one look could ignite your heart like 
a million candles. When one small partof the lips 
could send it racing beyond recovery When one 
soft whisper would set it free. That was passion. 

Every couple imagined it. Every couple 
hoped for it. And every couple lived for it. In 
everything they did. Not only in love, but in art, 


music, literature and ideas. To feel passion 


they would make up for what was lost. If there 
was one symbol that so aptly described the time, 
it would have to be the martini. A perfect blend 
of London Dry Gin and French vermouth. It 
wasn't meant just for sipping. It was intended 
for drinking and for feeling. 


‘Today they say that passion has returned. 


The “Me” generation is long forgotten, 


in some form was to feel life. 


and conspicuous love replaced 


After the horrors of 


with romance once again. 


the first World War, the 
object of pursuit in the 
"205 was to feel some- 
thing, anything. 
People were living 


with abandon. Work- 


ing, playing, eating 


and drinking in hopes 


Gilbeys. The Authentic Gin. 


Coincidentally, the 
martini has made a 
return as well. And its 
still drank the same 
way it was sixty 
years ago. 

Gilbey’. Bringing 


back the taste for passion. 


While the masses seek solace 
in overstuffed chairs, BMW offers 
a Slightly more compelling form 
of therapy. 

Analysis of the open road. 

Its found in the heady form of the 
new K75RT, the first luxury tourer in 
the 750cc class. A motorcycle as 
unrepressed as it is responsive. 

Let others debate fine points of 
Freudian theory. At BMW, we engi- 
neer our philosophies into finely 
sculpted riding machines. 

We don't mean to suggest 
we can cure paranoia or banish 
childhood demons. But our high 
powered psyche-tour can restore 
youthful ardor to urban captives. 

Like all BMW motorcycles, the 
highly-balanced, 3-cylinder K75RT 
employs a drive shaft like those in 
cars. And it offers options like full 
touring saddlebags and an AM-FM 
radio cassette player 

So instead of weekly visits to a 
shrink, dissolve stress with a single 
trip to your authorized BMW motor- 
cycle dealer There you can see the 
K75RT and other inspired forms of 
coping such as the basic K75, start- 
ing at a most modest $5,990° 

Then ask about the sanest fea- 
ture to grace any motorcycle. Free 
riding school for new buyers: 

Further rationalization is 
provided by our three-year, 
unlimited mile, limited warranty 
that's three times more reassuring 
than most other motorcycle war- 
ranties. Because it's three times 
longer 

And the feeling of security that 
comes with our BMW Motorcycle 
Roadside Assistance Plan is 
assured with your purchase of 
any new BMW. 

So follow the same advice any 
good doctor might prescribe. 

Just sit back. Relax. And 
change gears for a while. 


WORTH THE OBSESSION. 


PLAYBILL 


fact, this is our 
makes us feel pretty smart. First, there's our Playboy Interview 
subject, Stephen W. Hawking, the brilliant physicist who penned A 
Brief History of Time, the handy little best seller that makes the 
creation of the ui ible to liberal-arıs majors. 
Interviewing this ex an at En 
land's Cambridge University proved a particular challenge for 
veteran Playboy interviewer Morgan (Yasir Arafat, the LR.A.) 
Strong. Due 10 a degenerative nerve disease, Hawking cannot 
speak conventionally but h a computer- 
aided voice synthesizer. The resulting exchange bears testimony 
10 the vitality of the human spi 
Sex on the Brain, an excerpt from the book The Anatomy of Sex 
and Power, by that smarty Michael Hutchison, to be published by 
William Morrow, explores a subject as mysterious as the cos- 
mos—the biochemical differences between mens and women's 
brains. What does that mean in real li Well, that men and 
women behave, uh, you know, differently. For one thing, si 
playwright David Mamet in his opinion piece In the 
Men (illustrated by Sandra Hendler), guys innately need to hang 
out with one another. And in such configurations, what are they 


known as? Wise guys, of course. Mamet, by the way, has been let- 
feet lately, (Does he ever?) Some e 
MAMET HENDLER 


ting no grass grow under hi: 
Freaks, a book of his essays, was recently published by 
and he's already at work for Grove Press on a collection of his po- 
etry, to be titled The Blood Chit. 

Actor James Spader is so multifaceted —both genteel artiste and 
rowdy roughneck—that when writer Jerry Lozar finally figured 
out what made him tick, we titled his Playboy Profile, James Spader 
Made Easy. Not so easily described is George Bush's foreign policy. 
In A Fine Eye for Tyrants, Robort Scheer weighs the Administra- 
tion's conflicting attitudes toward China and Panama. Our Fic- 
tion Department checks in with The Burglar Who Dropped In on 
Elvis, a new look at Graceland by Lawrence Block, with artwork by 
Daniel Torres. 

If you're looking for intelligence, head for college, as we did. 
Our famous duo of Davids (Contributing Photographers Mecey 
and Chan) covered, and not so inadvertently uncovered, the 
Southeast for this month’s spectacular photo feature, Girls of the 
К ng the comeliest coeds from Clemson, Duk 
Georgia ‘lech, North Carolina State, Wake Forest and the Unive: 
ities of Maryland, North Carolina and Virginia. Of course, if 
you're really smart, you'll pick the Dream Girl of the A.C.C. and 
perhaps win a car in our sweepstakes. And while you're on cam- 
pus, check out Contributing Editor Kevin Cook's Playboy Profile, 
Dale Brown Prays for Bob Knight. Brown is Louisiana State Uni- 

^ ich/court philosopher and is long on words 
Knight. Also, take a look at 
ious Cook's other piece this month, Road Rocking, thc 
compas to Alan Wellikoff's off beat performance review of The 
Cars of Rock & Roll. 


eye stopping pictorial 


us how he gets his real late-night kicks. Contributing Editor David 
Ronsin di 


» our 
Warming Trends. by Fashion Editor Hollis Wayne. For the record, 
Wayne coi Is 
black and white. As for s, they'll be double-breasted. Мех! 
check out Liquid Assets, bes the 
est trend in drinking: quality over que mart tip. Heres 
other one: For the thr ‚ turn to this month's 
Playmate, the enlightening lisa Matthews. And remember, its all a 
question of m 


nd over matter. WELLIKOFF 


On October 16th, 
Eddie Turner had 10 seconds to live. 
send only had 9, 


I was a nightmare at 12,000 
feet. Skydiver Frank Farnon was 
knocked unconscious in a 
collision with another diver. 
Instantly, Eddie Turner tucked 
into a 200 mph dive and 
torpedoed toward his friend. 
Said Turner, “All I could think 
about was getting to his ripcord.” 
He did. 


Here's to Eddie and everyday 


heroes everywhere. 


Buy that man a Miller. 


If you know an everyday hero} er Heroes, PO. Box 482, Milwaukee, WI 53201. © 1990 Miller Brewing Co., Milwaukee, WI 53201 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 37, no. 4—april 1990 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAVBRL ......... a 5 A aa, 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY: ptes Ж 
PUAYBOVIAFTER HOURS: «secos lnea с D) 
SPORTS. DAN JENKINS 37 
NEN. ..... .ASABABER 40 
WOMEN. ....... Ea a sessi + CYNTHIA HEIMEL 42 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ................ —' 45 
(THE PLAYBOY. FORUM NOR O E RE 49 
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK: A FINE EYE FOR TYRANTS—opinion.... ROBERT SCHEER 59 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: STEPHEN HAWKING—candid conversotion........ 63 
SEX ON THE BRAIN—artidle ................... . MICHAEL HUTCHISON 76 
WARMING TRENDS feshion...... iie eee HOLLIS WAYNE 80 d 
JAMES SPADER MADE EASY— playboy profile ... . 2.2.00... JERRY LAZAR 90 ii Uu 
BRAVA, АЦЕСВА!—рісюгіаї................ ан 92. 
LIQUID ASSETS—drink ......................... ........ JOHN OLDCASTIE 100 


IN THE COMPANY OF MEN—opinion. . DAVID MAMET 102 


20 QUESTIONS: JOHN LARROQUETTE.. . 104 

ANIMAL PAL—ployboy's playmate of the month . . ЖУ 106 

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor 118 мы шы 
THE BURGLAR WHO DROPPED IN ON ELVIS—fiction ........ LAWRENCE BLOCK 120 

THE CARS OF ROCK & #ОШ......................... text by ALAN WELLIKOFF 122 

DALE BROWN PRAYS FOR BOB KNIGHT—ployboy profile ........ KEVIN COOK 130 

PLAYBOY COLLECTION—modern living. . . > d -— 132 

OMS ОЕЛНЕ АСС, ROE Oa Sa 138 

PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE T O Se coh a I Playboy's Treasures 


COVER STORY 

Playmate Deborah Driggs, last month's centerfold attraction, has a basket- 
ball jones and wants the world to know. Our slam-dunking cover wos 
designed by Junior Art Director Kristin Korjenek, styled by Lee Ann Perry and 
shot by Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. Thanks to Rhyner De- 
signs in Chicago for Deborah's jersey, John Victor for hair styling and Pat Tom- 
linson for moke-up. Just for the record, guys, the Rabbit ain't whistling Dixie. 


GENERAL OFFICER: PLAYBOY. вво NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS OEM. PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY то RETURN UNSOLIEFTED EDITORIAL OR GRAPHIC MATERIAL ALL RIGHTS # LETTERS AND 


© The American Tobacco Co. 1990 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


Filters 1005: 16 mg. “tat, 13 
mg. nicotine; Lights 1005: 9 
mg. “ter”, 07 mg. nicotine; 
Menthol 100s: 11 mg. “tar”, 
09 ng. nicotine, Uira Lights 
10s 6 mg. a”. 05 mg 
ricotne av. per cigarette by 
FIC method. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
©. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JOHN келек editor; PETER MOORE asso- 
ciale editor: FICTION: AUCE к TURNER editor 
MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS senior edi 
for; PAILLIP COOPER, ED WALKER associate editors; 
FORUM: TERESA GKOSCH. associate editor; WEST 
COAST: STEPHEN KANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH 
EN EDCREN senior edilor: JAMES R PETERSEN 
senior staff wriler; BRUCE KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS. 
KATE NOLAN associale editors; JOHN LUSK traffic 
cuordinalor; FASHION: mollis WAYNE editor, 
WENDY GRAY assisiant editor; CARTOONS 
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS 
editor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant edilor; MARY ZION 
senior researcher; LEE. BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE 
BARE NASH, REMA SMITH. DEBORAH WEISS research 
ers: CONTRIBUTING EDITOR: ASA BABER. 
DENIS BOYLES. KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES. 
LAWRENCE GROBEL, CYNTHIA HEIMEL WILLIAM | 
HELMER. DAN JENKINS, WALTER LOWE, JR. D KEITH 
MANO, REG POTTERTON, DAVID KENSIN, RICHARD 
RHODES, DAVID SHEFE DAVID STANDISH. BRUCE 
WILLIAMSON (movies). SUSAN MARGOLIS WINTER 


ART 

KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN associate di- 
recloy; JOSEPA PACZEK. ERIC SHROPSHIRE assistant 
directors; KRISTIN KORIENER junior director; ANN 
seit, senior keyline and paste-up arlist; BILL BEN. 
WAY, MUL CHAN art assistants; BARBARA HOFFMAN 
administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRANOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COMEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON, 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior 
staff photographer; Steve. CONWAY assistant photog 
rapher; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY 
FREYTAG. RICHARD AZUL DAVID MECEY, BYRON 
NEWMAN, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing. photogra 
hers; SELLER WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color 
lab supervisor: you coss business manager 


MICHAEL PERLIS publisher 
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher 


PRODUCTION 
jony MASTRO director; MARIA MANUI manager 
RITA JOHNSON assistant manager; JODV JURGETO. 
RICHARD QUARTAROLI, CARKIE HOCKNEY assistants 


CIRCULATION 
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation direc 
dor; wonert ODONNELL retail marketing and sales 
director; STEVE М. COMEN communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JEFFREY D MORGAN associate ad director; STEVE 
MEISNER midwest manager; JONN PEASLEY new 
york sales director 


READER SERVICE 
CYNPHIA LACEYSIRICH manager; LINDA STROM. 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 


EILEEN KENT editorial services manager; MARCIA 
TERRONES rights & permissions administrator 


PLAY BOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEINER chairman, chief executive officer 


Celebrate the new year. 
With a new life. 


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CHECK YOUR LOCAL TV LISTINGS 
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DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE 
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


“THE DECADE OF THE DAD” 

Asasingle father, I would like to compl 
ment Asa Baber on his Men column 
Decade of the Dad” 
It is about time we father 
rights in a divorce and seek to 
lawyers and judges that we are mad as hell 
and won't lie down, roll over and play dead 
anymore. 


Edward L. Nydle 
Ottumwa, Iowa 


I just read Asa Babers column in the 
tary issue and 1 loved it! The war be- 
tween divorced parents has been going on 
in a one-sided fashion for too long. 1 have 
been caught in the middle, almost exactly 
as Baber describes in his column, The only 
way I can suggest driving this point home 
even further is to have this column 
reprinted in every womens magazine in 
the land. 

Thanks for getting the word out. Per- 
haps now, men and their feelings on this 
subject will have a higher platform and a 
louder voice. 


Michael T Carr. Publisher 
National Lampoon 
New York, New York 


I have enjoyed your magazine for almost 
20 years and can say that your January is- 
sue really hit close to home. Asa Baber's 
column “The Decade of the Dad” is excel- 
lent! We divorced dads are proud to be 
parents and are now demanding (not ask- 
ing for) our rights to continue as such. 
Please thank Baber for his splendid tribute 
to our cause. 

David W Cox, Director 
EA.LR., The National Father's 
ization 
Milford, Delaware 


I'm one of the fathers Asa Baber is talk- 
ing to and about. When I separated from 
my wife three years ago, she assured me 
that she understood my kids’ need for me 
and would never try to come between us. 1 
worked hard to juggle a career and gradu- 
ate school and still spend weekends with 


my kids. A year later, out of the clear blue 
ky, she did a complete turnaround. | wont 
give up until 1 have my kids back, but I 
now know that “presumption of innocence” 
and "due process” dont apply to fathers. 
Douglas L. Scott 
Westminster, Colorado 


Lam a 29-year-old wife and mother of 
two. My husband, Bill, and 1 have been 


Baber. 


married for 11 wonderful years and if I 
lived to be 100, I could never fill the void in 
our kids lives if we ever lost him. 

The Father's Bill of Rights should bed 
played in every home in America to re 
mind us that the men in our lives area vital 
key, from conception on, and have every 
right to be included in all issues, from 
abortion to bedspreads in collegi 

1 would be proud to stand beside Baber 
and fight for the new Equal Rights 
Amendment, The Father's Bill of Rights. 
Dell L. Gideon 
Dearborn Heights, Michigan 


TOM CRUISE 

Гуе just finished r y January 
Playboy Interview with Tom Cruise and its 
beautiful. I never realized what an сх- 
traordinary man he is. The part about how 


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hard his mother worked to support him 

and his sisters actually made me cry. 
Deborah Sitz 
Alexandria, Virginia 


Your interview with Tom Cruise is, 
deed, pleasurable reading. I was complete- 
ly amazed that a man so young—and an 
actor at that—could be so honest, wise, 
passionate and possess such strong values. 
He is truly a fine example for all. 1 espe- 
cially endorse his statement that a man’s 
definition of his self-worth should not be 
arrested in his organs below the waist but 
should be defined by the organs above the 
waist; namely, his mind 

Shirley Moulton 
Grosse Pointe, Michigan 


1 read with great interest the Playboy In- 
lerview with Tom Cruise in the January is- 
suc. Unfortunately, some of interviewer 
Robert Scheers comments, such as de- 
scribing Top Gun as “a pacan to blind pa- 
і and “That is the history оГ 
war—young, callow kids marching off to 
fairytale glory as in Top Gun,” detract 
from its credibility: 

As a member of the US. military, 1 can 
sce positive aspects in both Top Gun and 
Born on the Fourth of July. V nothing else, 
they are movies with messages that should 
be taken with a grain of salt. 

Born on the Fourth of July is important 
because it presents another view of lessons 
we all should learn from Vietnam. Fortu- 
we members of the U.S. military, 
more than our civilian. counterparts, 
spend much time studying those lessons. 
Believe me, none of us wants to end up like 
Ron Kovic. 

Top Gun's depiction of American machis- 
mo and swagger is also relevant, though. 
Like it or not, the U.S. was founded on and 
has survived. due large part to that 
fighting spirit. 


Patrick M. O'Sullivan 
Alexandria, Virg 


RAINY RIVER 

In the January Playboy, you published 
an incredible piece, On the Rainy River, 
by Tim O'Brien. I was impressed. with 
O'Briens courage in telling his story and 
thought that it is great experiences such as 
his that make great writers. 

You cannot imagine how shocked I was 
to find out that this piece is fictional, not 
autobiographical. | was even more di 
тауса by Playboy's failure to note that it is 
fiction. In this day of simulated news sto- 
ries, Playboy is guilty of furthering the 
public's distance from real news and real 
history Li been written about those 
who escaped to Canada, there to suffer 
guish as great as that of the Vietnam vete: 
an. Their levels of guilt and confusion 
were, and must continue to be, overwhelm- 
ng. While O'Brien eventually went to war, 
his story, were it true, would add to our 
torical understanding of those turbulent 
ies, Yes, even as fiction, it achieves much, 


but not quite as much as it would were it re- 
ality As a reader, I feel cheated because Т 
was not told up front that it’s fiction, and I 
hope Playboy will choose a more honest ap- 
proach in the future. 
Andrew H. Zac 
Briarwood, New York 
We think “Rainy River” is pretty incredible 
ourselves. The line between fiction and aulo- 
biography is often a hazy one—thats why 
biographers have so much fun. 


Tim O'Brien's conclusion to 
Rainy River does not do other 
vets justice. By saying he is a cow 
serving labels as heroes those who ran 
from the war. Those four words, “I was a 
coward,” suggest that he is still a coward by 
not accepting his involvement in the war as 
the only thing he could have done. 

Roy Mink 
Cambridge, Idaho 


On the 


SALUTI, SABRINA! 

Loved your photo layout on Italy's Ange- 
la Cavagna (Avanti, Angela!, Playboy, Janu- 
ary). But come on, don't let Playboy be a 
tease! We must see at least one photo of 


Sabrina Salerno, the other combatant in 
the battle of the boo! 


Stephen Р. Pollinge 
Riverdale, New York 
Here she is; grazie to our counierparts at 
Playboy Italy. 


TURNER AND MILKEN 

The good guy-bad guy pieces on Ted 
Tarner and Mike Milken (Triumphant Ted, 
by Joshua Hammer, and Money-Mad Mike, 
by Mark Hosemball, Playboy, January) 
prompt two thoughts. While Milken 
lambasted as a symbol of mindless Rea- 
ganism, Turner is portrayed as a farsight- 
ed visionary. Yet neither profile mentions 
that junk-bond financing via Milken kept 
"larner's Cable News Network afloat. Also, 
the Milken piece closes by stating that he 
does not throw lavish parties á la Malcolm 
Forbes and Saul Steinberg, interpreting 
this as willingness to enjoy his 
wealth.” Each person has his or her own 
way of finding enjoyment. Milken ach 
it through his work and philanthropy, dis- 


lions of dollars to edu 
research, 


persing mil 
and medi 


1 Sobel 
ssapequa, New York 


Thanks for the great profile of Michael 
Milken, Moncy-Mad Mike, by Mark Hosen- 
ball. Two important facts were omitied 
One, his salary and bonus: $50,000,000 
per year—more than $1,000,000 a day. 
Second: He is onc of two highestsalaried 
people in history. The other was Big Al Ca- 
pone. But Al was self-employed! 

Byron E. Dillon, D.D.S. 

Downey, Californi: 


THE RASCALLY RABBIT 
I'm a student from the University of 
Southwestern Louisiana in Lafayette, writ- 
ng to find out the disguised location of 
Playboy's Rabbit Head on the cover of the 
December issue. I have spent hours search- 
ng and, to my dismay, haven't been able to 
discover its whereabouts. 
Chris Duplantis 
Lafayette, Louisiana 
You can't see the Rabbit for the trees, Chris. 
Check the mistletoe. 


JOAN SEVERANCE 
Your pictorial of Joan Severance (Texas 
Tuister, Playboy, January) is simply ou 
standing. I lived in Europe for many years 
nd first noticed her in European fashion 
magazines and later in photos by 
Glaviano. 1 was mesmerized by her eyes 
then and still аш. D cujoyed her com 
about running a country inn; if she runs it 
like a European guesthouse, I will be 
there. I agree with her that the French 
rude and that women do, at times, have the 
upper hand. It is nice to hear what a beau- 
tiful woman really thinks. 
1. Sawyer 
Orange Beach, Alabama 


o 


BIG BUNNY REDUX 

1 thought you'd like to see the pictur 
enclosed of a Navy VX-4 Evaluator, part of 
Air T ¡uadron Four, 
ly known as the Playboy Squad- 


ng out of Point Mugu Naval Air 
tion, California, This jet bears your 
Rabbit Head trademark on its tail, just like 
the original Bi ) flown by Het 
in the Seventies. 


© 


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The VX800 blends classic looks with contemporary technology. Smooth, beautiful lines flow from fuel 
tank to tail section. A traditional upright seating position provides across-the-board riding comfort. 

And at the heart, a slender, powerful 805cc V-twin delivers high torque over a broad range. While the 
low maintenance shaft drive smoothly transmits power to the premium Metzeler rear tire. 

The new Suzuki VX800. Now getting there can be much more than half the fun. 


© 1989 Coin kioin Cosmetics Corp. and 
Camin emn Incuaies nc. Obsesion 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


SHEMPMANIA 


Donaldsonville, Louisiana, is an old 
steamboat town on the banks of the Missis: 
sippi River midway between New Orleans 
and Baton Rouge. Like many small South- 
ern towns, it hosts an annual festival. Usu- 
ally, such an event celebrates an aspect of 
local culture—Cajun music, perhaps, or 
pecans, crawfish or homemade gumbo. In 
Donaldsonville, community spirit express- 
es itself in the annual Shemp Festival. You 
remember Shemp Howard, a founding 
member of the Three Stooges, who was re- 
placed by (“Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk") Curly 
While, as far as anybody knows, Howard 
never heard of Donaldsonville, the Shemp 
Festival marks its sixth run this year, on 
Saturday, March 17—Shemp’s birthday. 

“We don't want to say that we like Shemp 
more than the other Stooges,” explains 
festival founder Kirk Landry, who doubles 
as Donaldsonville's assistant fire chief, “but 
he is the most underrated. We decided to 
throw him a birthday party and it just 
grew. Of course, some people still show up 
thinking that it's a shrimp festival, and boy, 
are they shocked!” he says. 

‘The Shemp Festival parade, a highlight, 
says Landry, is led by the “grand moron.” 
Theres a pie fight and the climax of the 
festival, the crowning of the pie queen, an 
honor accorded the snooty socialite who 
“degenerates into the most drunken, hea- 
thenistic slime during the festival,” he says, 
pointing out that bonus points are award- 
ed for trying to bribe senior committee- 
men with sexual favors. 

"The antics also include the Hoi-Polloi 
Ball —where the Donaldsonville elite swig 
champagne, smoke stogies and view 
Shemp videos. If you seek that type of pic 
in the sky, write to Landry at PO. Box 331, 
Donaldsonville, Louisiana 70346, or call 
him at 504-473-1868. 


THE MEAL DEAL 


We dined recently at a restaurant that 
shall go unnamed. Just after our waitress 
slapped the menus onto the table, we de- 
murely bade her to pretty please turn 
down the sound system an censy-weensy. 
You see, we're tired of noshing in echoe 


caverns that have no soul, where the pricey 
portions are controlled—probably meas 
ured metrically —and the wait staff has at- 
tended the Don Rickles School of Charm. 

It was just after the waitress advised us 
to try Valium that we decided to find out 
whether we can expect relief soon from 
loud, obnoxious restaurants. Calling the 
National Restaurant Association, we hap 
pily discovered that people are now seck- 
ing out more comfortable restaurants that 
serve honest, home-cooked food and 
where thoughtful service is the rule. 

And—thank God for capitalism—the 
market has already responded to the new 
demand. In New York, such genteel spots 
as Alison on Dominick, Chez Michallet 
and Roeuele A.G. seem to have sprouted 
up overnight. Los Angelenos can enjoy 
Chapo, Patino and Indigo. And in 
Chicago, we've quietly been cating our way 
through Elbo Room and Terezaks. Our 
verdict? No Valium required. 


VETERINARIAN'S NIGHTMARE 
Penises of the Animal Kingdom is a 
23" x 35” comparative-anatomy chart from 
a company called Scientific Novelty. The 


poster depicts the male sex organs of a vir- 
tual zoo of animal species—from the 
fingerlike appendage of the porpoise to 
the giant genitals of the clephant. If, for 
some very odd reason, you wish to own 
such a specimen, send ten dollars to BO. 
Box 673-P, Bloomington, Indiana 47402. 


MARITAL BALLISTICS 


Marriage may be the rage these days, 
but newlyweds are still caught by surprise 
at the supreme challenges of the first year. 

Ina nationwide study of 346 newlywed 
couples, Samuel Pauker, M.D., and Miriam 
Arond found that although 76.6 percent of 
those interviewed said they married be- 
cause they were in love and 9L7 percent 
said they were happy in their marriages, 
38.8 percent said they had at least one big 
fight a week. Of those, 33 percent said 
their fights lasted for hours. Fortunately, 
few (3.5 percent) resulted in physical vio- 
lence. The favored means of aggression 
were screaming (42 percent), storming out 
of the house (15 percent) and violence 
against property (84 percent). Four per- 
cent of the respondents had spent at least 
one full night out of the house. 

Fifty-nine percent said that although 
they discussed things calmly, they usually 
followed those discussions with a fight. 
The fights seem to have little to do with 
sexual arousal, by the way. In fact, near 
half of those studied—men and women— 
wanted sex more frequently than they 
were having it, and more than a third were 
up for more openness and adventurous- 
ness in bed. Fleven percent of the hus- 
bands and 92 percent of the wives report- 
ed a lack of sexual desire. 

All told, 41 percent found that marriage 
was tougher than they had expected and 
half doubted that their marriages would 
last. Eight percent were considering sepa- 
ration or divorce and three percent had 
already had an aflair 

Gosh, its enough to make you want a gal 
just like the gal that married dear old Dad. 


SMART WOMEN, FAT THIGHS? 


Professor Stanley M. Garn, a University 
of Michigan nutritionist, says his research 


15 


PLAYBOY 


Маку 
mé: | 


m MISSIS OSA 


(Elektra) 387-951 Feelgood (Сенга) 387-944 

Reba McEntire—Live d Melissa Etheridge— Brav — паана, 

(МСА) 400-730 And Crazy (san) 386-090 Riy Joet Storm А Affair (Capo) 387-118 
Dionne Warwick Pal Benatar—Best Shots Richard Marx—Repeat Robert Palmer— DJ Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Linda Romstact—Cry Like 
Greatest His(10T01990) (Crysis) 4014646 Olender EM) 80915 Addictions, Volume One Prince. And in This A Rainstorm, Howi Like 
(asta) ER Be Eagles live Elda Grae Dead еее en 400-937 Comer(iie/fiCA) 400-838 —— TheWind (Elektra) 389-874 
Wee 00и сымса Mamere) звао Romea CA o igg eS ect loe 
e PRE A Clima yy [Or Ж и oe 383-301 

К = изден Dead (vandon) 318-01 BeestieBoys— Pauls 
e A AS e C 383-766 
irategy (АВМ) 375-1389 Апа Englishmen (ARN) н Мете Bros) 807 Kronikles (Reprise! Billy Squier—Hear And 
Bruce Willis—itit Don't 365-763 TheWho—Who's Beller Yes—Fragile (Alanto) 315-093395-095 Now (Capuei) 383760 
Кї You, lı Just Makes You, Tommy Bolin—The Shes وو ر خرو‎ 351-957 TneBabys The Babys Jackson Browne—Werld 
Stronger (Мао) 401-182 Ultimate... (Getler) The Very Best of Poco Traffic—The LowSparkOf Anthology (Chry: In Motion (Elektra) 383-762 

META 389-486/399-485 (Epc) 522 High Heeled Boys (Island, SINON leer The Mead 
Original Sound Track. The Bano—To Kingdom Humbte не—этонт u Creedence Clearwater (Capito! 383:547 
MATE, mametas MeninGay-Grueg Mandeln n Rev aH тасиын рало 
arsalis (Columbia) The Best Ot The Dregs— Marvin езе: in гн Frem 8 achmaninott: 
A 
Bros—The Time (Epc) 4 ' Tell Thick. Lake & Palmer агі) OF Paganini. Vladimir. 
400-895 тһе Byrds—Fifth Brick (Chrysaks) 367136 Мап Momison= ы, 306-969 Feltsman: Zubin Mehta. 
Bikes سا‎ a Dimension (Columbia) Yan Morrison—Saint 349.803 Electric Light Orchestra Braet arm 
e 260,788 осмина 7 Бот РМ oy) Pa о мыш) чаш 
Best О! Cher (EM), (Warner Bros ) м (Atlante) 341-313 * E Black Sabbath— 
рл ona уша 381-509 — Supertramp—Classics 4 DecadeOt Steely Dan Led ZeppeliniV (Alaniic) Headless Cross(i A'S) 
B NM uL M d NM (дап, 201-46 363-109 
) de sn Vol 15 jie Down Johnny Mathis—in The 
e С ua GRRE uus a en 
Ne s ie: Blue Print Of Fi chum) 303.04 
КОШО" aora Strange © deem hice Coeper-ouen Joe Cocker Greatest HopUwelRCA| 386193. Noneh CF а Like 
feeSatriant—Fving nA Crosby Sills, Nashand  MamerEros) 353531 CSA) BED SIT Babyface—Tender Love Sushi (Virgin) 382-994 
0 ев  Young—SoFar(Atanicy Little Feat—Feats отт ЦОП Зоре Б (Еро) 386-1777 Donna Summer—Anoiner 
Tunisis Ba 378-745 Fail Me Now (Warner Bros.) Marshall Crenshaw— Place And Time (Alani) 
Share гапеіѕ ваа =,  BigDaddyKane—llsA 363523 Опо—247 Good Evening 382-960 
Simple Man ( pc) 4 Er Kane White—The Mane Ec (Warner Bros} 386-10 — Wwe Lion—Biy Game 
By Bates vey) (Сба Съм "2 389-460 Bach (AEM) 388-843 367415 Steve Stevens Atomic (Atlantic) 382-820 
lite "300-085 Moly Hatchet-Lghtning Britny Fox—Boys In Heat on The Playboys (Warner Ec: ) Stevie Ray Vaughan & 
ааппын Snr, РЦ RM EI arse A К LER, 
Kore 400-051 Jermaine Jackson—Donit г) t 385:906 Alice Cooper—Trash 
DavoGrusin—Migration Teke Personal (Arste) E. an Diane Ross—working po EI 
(GRP) 400-044 ‘389-171 Overtime (Motown een, 
Michel Camilo—On Fire The D.0.C.—No One Сап Nem (pic) 382-333 
(Epc) ‘369-899 Do Better (Ruthless) Tin Machine (EMI TER бат 
NRBO—WiloWeekerd Doany osmoro 2155 98395 Panther = 
Sig) 359-882 шы СА Deltar / Columba) 
Biz Morkie—The Biz 301-906 


Never Sleeps (Cold Chile) Wa мич таин; TheCulk- Sonic T 
Sig ceo eps с 981-70 
аа ЕВА A Lun MS 
Eom a E eri ое 
Warrer Bos) 388-052 = YovoMa/Stephane (Getler) 381764 
The Wizard Ot 02 — Grapelli—Anyihing Goes 
Orginal Soundtrack Mostly Сое Porter lunes 
Ed] CSumuaspecatfioa) (89) E 
365207 — Placido Domingo me 
Richie Lee Jones Fiyin own Pucci 
Brahms: от Concerto, Cowboys (Genen) 388 198 (CES Master) 97-829 Gold &Platinum Volume 
Raje Sare o Мот Yellowjackets—The Spin DaveEdmunde-Cioser Six eaim 386-385 
Nate ne oa (MCA) 30173 To The Flame Pete Towmshend—Tre 
Waart and Minnesota Jethro Tull-Fockistand (Ca) 367-126 ran Man (Aites 1c 300 726 
eg Смузи) 388157 Joe Coeker--One Night. The O'Jaye—Serous 
are 10 Years After—Atout OlSiniCapao) 387-084 (END 365-468 = 
Barbra Strelsand—A. Tem Noh im Time (Chrysalis) 388-140 Ziggy Marley & The Stravinsky: Firebird: Grateful Dead.— Bull To 
Collection: Gremesi hins реа Те МЮ а омапеаз бокі Maloy Makers Dra dJeudeCanes Esa-Pekka [aereis] 500 026 
"And More (Columba) MOM S eO go ‘Bright Day run 385-997 Salonen, Phibarmonia а ан 
9а. Mare Баку Sout SUE. aio ae. (CES Miser) 366-209 ү e 
RE Maine are) 306-088 Taylor Dayne-Cant Fight Jean-Pierre Rampal Оман с буба) — 367-178 
CBS Ascocıiec) 401-703 Philip Balley—Family Fate arste) 388017 o ISO pat LaBele—Be 
canina шышы: AMIFAEN) 386-634  preStraits -Noney For Silas menaren TOCA 386-334 
Form(imagire) 401-539 The Best OI Tim Curry Nothing Warner Bres, Stevie Мека Тһе Oter (Seo) 36254 divePresents ...—Yo! 
Survivor—GreatestHits (ABM) 388-926 378-058 Sige Ol The Miror The Best Of Luther MTU Rape Veni te, 
nbs noon ERISQUE A Qa Ocin nea UWE BobDylen—Ch Mercy 
Jo Ones rass CES Masie work reams (Goid Cast ean—Greates н 
16 (бабта о зы rs E Мр РОСА) 400-879 Aoarsasors ошта) O 9022 


DISCS, DISCS, 


EM 


DISCS! 


У 


A 


ТОМ PETTY, 


Don Henley—The End Of 


des 


FOR 


The innocence (Geiten) 


Tom 
Fever (MCA) 


j-— Full Moon. 


383-802 


382-184 


PENNY. 


Skid Row (өтк), 


Rolling Stones—Steet 
Wheels (Rolling 
Stones Rec) — 387-738 


PLUS A CHANCE TO GET 
ONE MORE CD—FREE! 


plus shippin 


¿/handling with membershi 


Neil Young—Freedom Harry Connick Jr. Bonham—The Disregard Sout Soul—Keep On Paula Abdul—Forevor 
(берсэ 388-132 When Harry Met Sally— —— OlTimckecping Movin’ (Ver) 386-037 — YourGir (wgn) 374-637 
DebbleGibsen-Electie 010081 Soundtrack (wig) 383-497 
Amo arrears (Comba) 26-21  Joumey's Greatest Elton John—Seeping Living Colour—Vivid Bay Idol Via ta 
Jett Beck (Epic) 380-303 — CyndiLauper—ANighiTo — Mitsicoiumbi) 375-279 With The Past (MCA) (Epic) 370-833 (Chrysalis) 360-107 
Warrant- Diny Rotten Remember Ер) 377-887 тһе Traveling Wilbutys— е жми [секи ا‎ 
Filthy Surking Rich Guns N'Roses—GN'R Volume One уйгу! ¿Rate And Hum Warren Eros) 869-371 Knave (Ehrysais) 200-040 
(Columba) 379.644 Les(Geller) 370-087 375. Tenet. 874017 Fine Young Cannibals New Kids On The Block— 
The Beach Boys—Still Hooters —Zi0-Za0, Gloria Estetan—Cuts Madonna—Like A Prayer The Faw And The Ceoked Hangin Tough Columbia) 
Cruising Capitol) 387-002 — (Columba) 2 "0379-3068 Both Ways (Epc) 382-341 Se) 379590 — (RS) 379-218 368-429 
‘The Stone Roses Nick Lowe—Basher: The 1 Camper Van Beethoven ап Ferry / Roxy Music 
Lr Beater tone On The Cutting Edge «rere Serien 
Poul Cerreck—Growe (Cumba) 400-002 ‘368-074 384-230 | 
ре а MaxQ (Atlantic) 400-077 Chris tsaak—Heart TheB-52's—Cosmic | 
201-257 — Theñesidents—The King Shaped wow eo. Mra repisa "382077 
en i And Eye (Eriga) 400-036 à Lloyd Cole & The 
emmouttage—Wetnads Ol dnd) ‘Gommetions—1964-1969 
Sience (Alanıc) 400-829 rummer Paul kelly And The A 
Jonathan Richman Таннын гон Me Jh Cova 5 
Ronde) 00.001 — vitamin Z—Sharp Store The Curo—Disintegen 
Erasure Wid gag PAN (Geller) 09-50 10.000 Marisce—Blno 
Запе Slberry —Sourd By = Maris Zoo (Elektra) 
The Beauty (Reprise) avi y 
400-804 oo Byme—Rei Moma, lato Phoent China Crisis The Diary 
The Psychedelic Furs— (Сата) 388-215 of a Hollow Horse (AEN) 
eno Jan McCullocn— ‘361-897 
Book Of Days (Columba) Candieiand (SreReonse, Thompson Twins— Big 
eo E "мша, Indigo Girls (Epic)381-269. 
Exeno Zorvenks—Old bss ا‎ RLEM.—Green 
Vives Tales (no) (Capto) 80-307 Tomorrow Next Week o, Marner Bros) 975162 
OEE Red Hot Chili Peppers— (Elektra) 388-900 
The Alarm Change. Kate Bush—Tho Sensual Mothers Milk (EM Jon Hatt—V'all Caught Squeeze—Frenk(A&M)  — Indigo Girls- Strange Fire 
(RS) 400-465 Word (Columbia) 401-232 309-205 (бее) 386-116 388-058 Epic) 400-333 
The age of CD sound is here—ond you decision Н you ever receive ony Selection [ C5S/COLUMBIA HOUSE, 1ADDN. Fruitridge Ave. тумо 


have о practical way to find the CDs you 
want. As your introduction o the Club, you 
тоу toke опу 8 CDs far le Just mail the. 
‘pplication, together with your check or 
money order for $186 lihors le for your 
first 8 CDs, plus $1.85 for shipping and 
handling). And in exchange. you simply 
egree по buy 6 mare CDs lot regular Club 
prices) in the next 3 yeors—ond you moy 
cancel your membership onytime ofter 
doing so. 

How the Club works. About every four 


weeks (13 times o year) youll receive the CD you buy ot regular Club prices. Mordock CiSoft Rack С Modem Rock ГРор 

Clubs music magazine, which describes the 10-Day Risk-Free Trial: Well send details | F Ames 5 bes, В. Bo 

Selection of the Manih...plus new hitsond of the Clubs operation with your introduc- | Acro oEdan Аи Barry Mon 

ald favorites from every field of music. In югу shipment. It you ore not sotisfied for | C) Block Musie [1Jerr County [IClossical" [Easy Listening 

cddition, up to six times o уест, you may опу reason whatsoever, just return every- | Eotylo Fue Rebo tact V D [ 

receive offers of Speciol Selections, usually — thing within 10 days for c full refund and no So em я ма 

at o discount off regulor Club prices, foro further obligation. 

total of up to 19 buying opportunities. Extra Bonus Offer: As o speciol offer to BR Bonus 
If you wish ta receive the Selection ofthe new members, toke one additional CD Fee] 

Month, you need do nothing—it will be — right now for only $695. This discount pur SN orekak; па add 

shipped automatically. If you prefer on chose entitles you ta choose on extra CD | даа: z m ‘ional S695 

chernate selection, or none ot oll, fillinthe ^ oso bonus FREE. Just indicole your choices 

response card always provided ord mailt in the coupon, ond youll receive your dis. 

by the date specified. You willolwoyshove countedCDond your bonus CD with your 8 | Y- ‘ond Im 

at leost 10 days in which to make your introductory CDs —o totalof 10 in allt 1 ‘this extro CD FREE! 

soe ڪڪ‎ 

"ne an Я Xo yov hove o cred cord? ve WY2RN 

CBSCOLUMBIA HOUSE: Terre Haute, IN TEI IA 


without having 10 days to decide, you may 
return it at our expense. 

The CDs you order during your member- 
ship will be billed or regulor Club prices, 
which currently ore $1298 10 $1598—plus 
shipping ond hondling. (Muliple-unit sers 
may be somewhat higher) After complet- 
ing your orrollment ogrcement you moy 
cancel membership ot any time; if “ou 
decide to continue os a member, youll be 
eligible for our money-scving bonus plan. 
It lets you buy one CD ot half price for each 


РО. Box 1129, Terre Haute, Indiana 4781-129 


Роке accept my membership application under the terms Oulined in this advertivement 


Send те the BC 
hors Ie for the 6 С 


act Discs hsted here | om enclosing check or money order for $186 
indicated, plus $185 fer shipping ond handing). | ogres to buy sx 


more selechons at regular Club prices in the coming three увагі. од may cancel my 
membership ot any ime after dong so. 
SEND ME THESE 8 CDs FOR K (write in numbers below) 


rest is (check one}: Bor 


7 


18 


RAW 


DATA 


QUOTE 

1 found myself in a 
hotel room in Kuwait 
with a number of 
an journal- 
ists. They were glued. 
10 the TV watch 

ing Tom and Jerry 
cartoons. No one 
acknowledged my 
presence. Finally 
after about 20 min- 
utes, one of the jour 
nalists turned to me 
and asked, ‘Who are 
you tor? Tom? Or J 
Ty? ”— DEBORAH ANC 
of National Public Ra- 
dio, asked for a per- 
sonal experience that 
captured the essence 
of the Middle East. 


RAH, RAH 


Percentage of 
American males who say thej 


The ave 
year-old m 


childr. 


» (2.9) 


re 


males, 


Percentage of males who say they are 
NEL. fans, 58; of females, 32. 


BALL-PARK FIGURES 


Most expensive hot dog in a major- 
league baseball park: $2.10 at Shea 
dium, New York City. Least expensive 
hot dog: one dollar at Riverfront Stadi- 
um. Cincinnati. 


. 

Most expensive 
at Shea Stadium. 
cent: 
front Stadium and Olympic Stadium, 
Montreal. 


st expen: 


. 
Most expensive parking: ten dollars 
at Wrigley Field, Chicago. Least expen- 
$275 at Riverfront Stadium. 
E 


Most expeusive general admission or 
bleacher seats: six dollars at Shea Stadi- 
k, Boston. Least ex 
pensive: $2.50 at Candlestick Park, San 
Francisco. 


А 
Highest total cost for admission, 
parking and refreshments: 


Wrigley Field. Lowest 
total cost: $11.75 at 
Riverfront Stadium. 
But vou have to watch 
the Reds. 


Number of articles 
written about dr 
abuse in baseball in 
the Fighties: 6071. 

. 

Number of stories 
about contracts and 
salaries, 2459; about 
George Steinbrenne 
1592; about the light- 
ing of Wrigley Field, 


g 


ES 773. 
FACT OF THE MONTH 


age American 40- 
rried couple ha 
more living parents (2.6) than 


UNHAPPY RETURNS 


Number of tax re- 
turns that are audited 
at random in a three 
year period: 50,000. 

. 

Percentage of business expenses in 
1982 ruled invalid by the IRS: 29. 

. 


Percentage of business tax returns 
that comply with the tax law: 96.7. 
б 
Industry least likely to comply with 
the tax law: transportation, in which a 
mere 807 percent of firms file correctly. 
. 
h the highest rate of tax 
'ashington, D.C. 


FOUR-WHEELERS 
Average number of persons per reg- 
istered car in the United States, two; in 
Japan, four; in China, 1374 


SPECIAL SERVICE 
Percentage of Americans who say 
they receive only fair or poor value for 
the money they spend on doctors’ serv- 
ices: 56. 
. 
Percentage who say their doctors 
provide good or excellent value 
б 


| services 


Percentage who rate hospi 
аз a poor or fair value: 59. 


a good 


th, ives who are less educated 
than their husbands tend to be thinner 
n those whose educations exceed their 
mates. What's more, says Professor Garn, 
the more educated the husband, “the 
leaner the wife.” So far, Garn has found 
no evidence that a husbands weight is 
influenced by his wife's educational level. 


NO MORE TRICKY DICKS! 


John G. Dicks IH and M. Kirkland Cox 
have been fighting it out for the 66th 
House District seat in Virginia. Cox calls 
Dicks “soft” on crime. Dicks says Cox 
is merely a “puppet” of the G.O.P Whats 
more, Cox says he seeks “stiffer” pe 
ties for drug users and adds that, unlike 
his opponent, he will stick to the “issues. 

Maybe there ought to be a law banning 
genitalia from the ballot. But it's not like- 
ly—not as long as there's a Bush in office. 


FAST CAR, PART I 


Its called the Carbrella Stealth bra and 
it's for cars. Made by Innovisions Research 
in Denver, this front-end protector does 
more than deflect pebbles. Using a mi- 
crowave-absorbing composite (similar to 
that on the B-2 Stealth bomber), this baby 
is touted to fool any radar gun around 

Cutting greatly into the bounce-back 
phenomenon that helps the cops track cars 
by rebounding radar from metallic sur- 
faces, the Stealth bra all but renders the 
mean machine invisible in (гаће. What 
price freedom? The one that fits most for- 
eign and domestic cars runs $299. For 
Porsche, Mercedes and BMW, it’s $369. 
Just because. 


FAST CAR, PART II 


Suppose you get stopped anyhow. If 
theres anything more irksome than get 
ting a ticket, it’s getting one you dont de- 
serve. With fines increasing and insurance 
hikes accompanying each ticket, you had 
better fight it in court. But first take a look 
at Beating the Radar Rap, by Dale Smith 
ad John Tomerlin. 

For starters, the authors get you good 
nd mad by citing abuses of speeding laws 
nd studies that show that traffic enforce- 
ment has little effect on speed or safety. 
Then they tell you how to go to court and 
beat the ticket yourself without the cost of 
hiring an attorney. Every detail is covered, 
from reviewing the evidence to anticipat 
ing the stock answers state troopers usual- 
ly use in court. The book tells you how to 
choose a defense strategy, how to cross-ex- 
e your witnesses and pretty much 
how to sow the seeds of doubt you need to 
win your case. For further coaching, Beat- 
ing the Radar Rap is paired with the video 
tape Radar on Trial, in which a judge walks 
you through a hypothetical case. What are 
the damages? The book and video are $37 
from RADAR, 4949 South 25-A, Tipp 
City, Ohio 45371, 513-667-5472. 


L 


Everything else is just a light. 


'56 THUNDERBIRD 
'57 CORVETTE 


"БӨ CADILLAC 


The most exciting cars of our lifetime. 
In the most dazzling collection of die-cast models ever! 


The Eldorado and the ‘Vette. The 
T-Bird and the Woodies. Unforgettable 
dream machines, to take us on a trip 
back through time. 

They're all here! The Classic 
Cars of the Fifties. 12 authentically 
detailed replicas, inthe prized 1:43 
scale. Loaded with special features 
usually reserved for one-of-a-kind 
models costing hundreds of dollars 
or more. 


Hinged doors and hoods that open. 
Bucket seats. Sculptured engines 
and undercarriages. Painted, hand- 
polished metal exteriors. All in the 
cars’ original colors. With as many 
as fifty separate components hand- 
assembled to forma single car. 


There’s never 
been anything 
like it in the hun- 
dred-year history 
of model car 
collecting. Imagine! 
Classics of this size 
and detail at just 
$55 each. 

And the hard- 
wood and veneer wall display is 
yours at no additional charge. 

It’s the definitive collection. With 
every car chosen by the connoisseur's 
magazine Automobile Quarterly. And 
each one precisely crafted, to 
exacting new standards of excellence. 

Outstanding value. From Franklin 
Mint Precision Models, of course. 


Reference notes, technical 
specificatiors and a reprint of 
an original ad for each car 
will be provided in a 


special customized binder. 


Cars shown app 
Corvette 3/4" L. 


mately actual size 
adiac 5/4" L Thunderbird 414" L. 


Display shelf measures 
20%" tall, x 18%" wide. 


Lustrous hand-polished finish 
—in the orginal colors, 


Hinged doors 
open and close. 


Corvette features 
removable hardtop 


‘SUBSCRIPTION APPLICATION 
Franklin Mint Precision Models» Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091 


Please enter my subscription for The Classic Cars of the Fifties, con- 
sisting of 12 imported die-cast models in the prized 1:43 scale. 

I need send no money at this time. | will receive a new replica 
every other month and will be billed for each in two equal monthly 
installments of $27.50*, beginning prior to shipment. The '5Os-styled 
imported display. and a customized reference binder will be sent tome 


at no additional charge. "Plus my state sales tax and 
a lotal of $3. for sh id handling. 


SIGNATURE 


MRIMRS/MISS 


ADORESS 


an 


STATE/ZIP 


Please mail by April 30, 1990. 


11527-1016 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


ARGE BLACK Cleaning woman (played 
ith commanding gusto by Firmine 
Richard) is the impressive heroine of 
Mama, There's a Man in Your Bed (Miramax). 
She sweeps up executive debris in a yo- 
gurt-company headquarters, which is how 


she discovers that the head of the firm 


Auteuil, Yves Montand' slow 


big 
problems. One of his treacherous col- 
leagues is sleeping with his wife and anoth- 
er is trying to take control of the company 
by poisoning a batch of yogurt. Before his 
s end, the boss is sleeping over at the 
cleaning lady% place—where she's trying 
to make ends meet with five kids by five 
previous husbands. Romance blooms, be- 
lieve it or not, between the white tycoon 
and his black savior, who knows shes too 
good for him. “Men need us,” she informs 
him, and suggests he take a walk. Which is 
not quite the finale of Mama, an engaging 
but not consistently credible French come- 
dy by writer-director Coline Serreau, who 
pushes a good thing about 20 minutes too 
long. Serreau is the same enterprising 
young woman who made 3 Men and a Cra 
dle in French before it was remade as Thice 
Men and a Baby (with Leonard Nimoy di- 
recting), a huge English-language hit. An 
American rci с of Mama, with Si 
at the helm, is already under way. УУУ 
М 

A quote from Swiss director Alain Тап- 
ner: "I have lost interest in the beautiful 
script, the well-done, well-planned script — 
it annoys me.” OK. But film audiences may 
well be annoyed with the meandering 
formlessness of Tanners A Flame in My 
Heart (Roxie). The scenario is credited to 
actress Myriam Mezieres, who also stars in 
the piece as an insatiable sexpot with ob- 
sessions to burn. After she’s rid of an insist- 
ent lout named Johnny (Aziz Kabouche, 
who looks like upa 
horny journalist named Pierre (Benoit Ré- 
gent) in the sub » falls mind- 
lessly in love with him. When he lea 


'eson a 


urbates. Later, she cant see why 
Pierre should object t0 her performances 
behind glass in a live sex show in which she 
fa sms with a stuffed baboon. Male 
and female nudity abound in A Flame in 
My Heart, filmed in grainy black and 
white, in French, with only intellectual pre- 
tension to justify its dreary sexuality. YY 
. 

The easy-does-it showstopper of Men 
Don't Leave (Warner) may be coltish Joan 
Cusack, livening things up in a secondary 
role exactly as she did in Broadcast News 
and Working Girl. Here, Joan plays the 
rather sexy medic who lives upstairs from. 
the Baltimore apartment where Jessica 


Mama (Richard), Man (Auteuil) 


Career choices, cinema style: 
the cleaning lady, the medic, 
The Cook, the Thief, et al. 


Lange, a recent widow, is trying to make a 
go of things with her two young sons. Of 
particular interest to Cusack the 
teenager (Chris O'Donnell), whom she i 
vites for dinner and eventually to bed, 
teaches him all she needs him to know and 
asks him to move in with her. As а doung 
mom, Lange is appalled. He's just a kid! 
Watching Jessica do what she does so well 
is supposedly the point of Men, a gritty but 
predictable soap opera about the young 
widow's way back to normalcy after her be 
'eavement. Shes helped, of course, by am- 
hition, need and a persistent. musician 
(Arliss Howard) who is as polite as possible 
with a woman not quite ready for another 
man. A certain breezy sexuality shouldn't 
be a surprise from writer-director Paul 
Brickm: who made Risky Business. 
Could be he even intended Cusack to 
sneak in and steal the picture. ¥¥¥ 
. 


The Br 
with subv In director 
Peter Greenaway’ The Cook, the Thief, His 
Wife & Her Lover (Miramax), the title roles 
are played, respectively, by Richard 
Bohringer, Michael Gambon, Helen Mir- 
еп and Alan Howard, all of them mis- 
behaving in and around a lavish 
cosmopolitan т urant called Le Hol- 
landais. In this place, it's appropriate “that 
all things should be eaten, if only experi- 
mentally,” according to Greenaway, who 
also made the period comedy The 
Draughismans Contract, one of the bawdier 
exports of 1982. Gambon plays the de- 


praved restaurateur whose errant wife 
(Mirren) makes out all over the place- 
from the ladies’ toilet to the pantry to the 
meat cooler—with a quiet male patron 
(Howard) who initially appears to prefer a 
good book to a good boff. Before the host 
winds up literally eating his rival (well 
done and handsomel ved, with vegeta- 
bles), the movie dwells on copulation, r. 
gurgitation, defecation and other taboo 
aspects of carnality Greenaway rubs your 
nose in the muck, albeit with high style, 
and gives visual aid to his obsessions like 
no film artist since Fellini. 
you can take it. YY 
. 

Wi this? A Wall Street stock trader 
portrayed as a homicidal psychopath who 
kills for thrills after hours? Must be a s 
of the times. Ron Silver, an unbeatable 
Broadway and film actor, plays the part for 
all i's worth, bringing some well-tempered 
menace 10 Blue Steel (MGM/UA). Jamie Lee 
Curtis, once again a damsel under duress, 
handles herself well as the lady cop whose 
accidental encounter with the maniac 
draws her into his frightful schemes. Al- 
though Steefs hard-edged suspense is 
marred by plot holes that occasionally 
evoke giggles where there ought to be 
gasps, you won't nod off, because writer-di- 
rector Kathryn Bigelow knows how to put 
whiplash snap mto an action thriller, even 
when her screenplay (with collaborator 
Eric Red) doesnt always rise to the occa- 
sion. Maybe next time. э 

. 

The hero of The Losermon (Original € 
a) is a young Chinese-American scien 
named Arthur Weiss (Mare Hayashi 
other (Joan Copeland) is Jewish but 
likes to think Chinese. Arthur's real prob- 
lems begin when he blows up an assistant 
during his experii ts with laser technol- 
оңу. Then the New York police and some 
gsters begin to show interest. Made by 
writer-producer-director Peter Wang, who 
also made a promising 1986 comedy called 
A Great Wall, Laserman is also promising. 
not quite there yet, but his cockeyed 
ic thriller is fresh, рс and decid- 
edly different. WW 


cc work, if 


б 
ally made in 1969 and sh 
interest, writer-director 
"s The Plot Against Harry (New York- 
себ to find appreciative audi- 
ences at last years Toronto and New York 
film festivals. This genial comedy, filmed 
in black and white, is the appealing story 
of a Jewish numbers racketeer (played with 
dry good humor by Martin Priest, and 
where has he been all our lives?) who gets 
ош of prison to find his old operation de. 
Гипс. Friends have muscled in on his te 
Tory. his ex-wife scorns him, he has a 
daughter he hardly knows, they tell him 
his hearts bad and hes subpoenaed to 


elved for 
Michael 


Origi 
lack. of 


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It Took Four Hours Of Silence Before 
We Finally Started To Communicate. 


We were so close when he was younger. 


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everything with me. But as he got older he 
started to become his own man. And that's 
fine. But with the world as crazy as it is 
today I didn’t want to lose touch. 

So I bought a boat. And a Johnson” 
outboard. And we went fishing. 

At first we were both a little awk- 
ward. И had been years since I cast a line in 
water. And there were more than a few em- 
barrassed glances from my son. But after a 
while z 


It started as polite conversation. But 


both relaxed. We began to talk. 


before long, right after that first nibble, he 
warmed up. 
We talked about school, friends, fam- 


ily. And believe it or not, [ found myself 


“Johnson: 
Nothing Beats The Experience. 


telling him all about my job and some of 
the dreams I had. 

Nowevery weekend when the weath- 
er is nice, we go oul again. And every 
weekend we seem to talk more and more. 
Рт starting to like what I hear. Maybe 
our moments together do have an in- 
fluence on him. So I really want these 
outing: to continue, 

Fortunately, my outboard is a 
Johnson, the most dependable engine you 
can buy. So I can count on weekends like 
this for years and years and years. 

It's funny, but when we first started 
fishing, three feet apart in a boat felt like a 
tremendous distance. To- 
day, Pue never felt closer 


to anyone in my life. 


For the name of the nearest Johnson dealer, call 1-800-255-2550 


PLAYBOY 


testify before a crime-busting Congres- 
sional commi Moving from catered 
bar mitzvahs to swimming pools, from sub- 
way slumming parties to a lingerie show- 
room, Plot Against Harry spells ош a 


July: Cruising for an Oscar? 


BRUCE’S BETS 


Having baned zero in last ye 
Oscar predictions, Um once more 
into the breach. IF I'm wrong, sue 
me 
BEST PICTURE: Born on the Fourth 
of July. Good intentions will win. My 
pick, not my preference 
BEST DIRECTOR: Bruce Beres- 
ford for Driving Miss Daisy. No dou- 
ble whammy for Oliver Stone, but 
watch for upsets, 


Tandy for 
Driving Miss Dais Overdue. 
BEST SUPPORTING AC TRESS; 
Lena Olin for Enemies, a Love 
s pays but may also work for 
Roberts of Steel Magnolias. 
T ACTOR: Daniel Day-Lewis, 
of My Left Foot, should carry it de- 
€ stiff competition from Fourth of 
July's Tom Cruise. 
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: 
Danny Aiello for Do the Right Thing. 
"Those are my Oscar picks. My fa- 
alphabetical order: 
Aduentures of Baron Mun- 
Among the decades tope 
chanting fant 
Do the Right Thing: 
an angry, controve 
Driving Miss Daisy: Gr 
‘andy and Morga 
A Dry White Season 
Brando and 
Enemies, a Love Story: 
Holocaust, passion. 
The Fabulous Baker Boys: 
mostly becau [ 
Henry V: Кеп 
ck Olivier 
My Left Foot 
Irish genius, Day-Lewis dazzles 
Roger & Mr: Michael Moore does 
Flint in a biting docucomedy. 
sex, lies, and videotape: An erotic 
original—a hot new directors new 
way of looking at Yuppie love 


After the 


Special 


1 wins gloriously. 
s a handicapped 


tightly detailed, amu 
ate picture of Jewish life 

more ambitious films might envy. Roemers 
professional and semipro actors—virtually 
all unknowns—do a fine job in à somewhat 
dated satire that still wriggles with timeless 
truth. yyy 


. 
insiders reler to director 
Sweetie (Avenue), 
ment of the new 


the 


as “the crowning achie 
Australian modernism, second 


nder 


o sisters 
1 (Genevieve Lemon). The latte 
жеп as Sweetie, the heroine of the 
who's a newhat demented 
(stepping off the 
of a chair she overturns seems to be 
r principal talent). When Sweeties lefi 
lonaf 
me-coming folks by ba a dog 
also paints her naked body black and 
mbs a tree. This is nof your everyday 
arde movie, though Sweetie is mad- 
nd off cente: 


is also ki 
title, 


p. se 


w 


n novel by Ivan Tur 
Torrents of Spring (Millimeter) is the 
kind of international free-for-all that 
moves from languid to full stop. Polish 
born director Jerzy Skolimowski’s cast 
confused as the film maker him- 
| Timothy Hutton sleepwalks through 
l role as an elderly Russki 


ed on a Russi 


her in Rain Man?) а 
ers daughter he betrothe 
Nastassja Kinski 
wig as the young n 
duces. Spring is 


n Res p- 
betrays and 
aling blonde 
he casually se- 
preity as can be, but 


Hutton looks bored with it all—maybe be 
cause it’s boring. Y 
. 
There's standard detective fare in The 


Last of the Finest (Orion). all about d 
and tainted mon 
man fighting through off 
prove his case. With Brian Dennehy. 
never dull. starred as the lawman under 
director John Mackenzie, a canny Scot who 
directed Bob Hoskins in The Long Good 
Friday, бте act А fast pacing help 
make the most of The Finest. 44 
. 

Casting Molly Ringwald in a romantic 
comedy opposite English musical star 
Robert Lindsay. with disı ished stage 
actor John Gielgud as backup, must have 
sounded like od idea, The people who 
put together Strike It Rich (Millimeter) 
should have thought twice. There's not 
half enough for Lindsay to do as a greedy 
accountant who gets the gambling bug 
g on the Riviera. Also, 
clgud looks lost, and 
Ringwald has some distance to go before 
graduating from tinselly teenaged pap to 
this brand of sophisticated Null. ¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Always (Listed only) Spielberg's folly? 
Tracy and Dunne did it better. vv 
Blue Steel (See review) Jamie Lee in 
jeopardy with Ron Silver. W's 
Born on the Fourth of July (Reviewed 
3/90) Cruise's Oscar bid. ww. 
Camille Claudel (2/90) Adjani as sculp. 


mad. БИЛ 
Cinema Paradiso (2/90) How the movies 
vy 


the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover 


view) Pretty hot stuff, and not 

only in the kitchen. wh 
Driving Miss Daisy (2/90) Jessica 
both. 

vum 


‚ a Love Story (3/90) Alter the 
Holocaust, polygamy, in an arrest- 
ing New York story by Paul Mazur- 
sky vn 
The Fabulous Baker Boys (1/90) They back 
the divine Miss Pfeiffer УУУУ 
А Flame іп My Heart (Sec review) Slow- 
burning sex nudity, in French. э» 
Glory (3/90) Civil War heroics featuring 
a fine black Infantry regiment. vv 
Heart Condition (3/90) Denzel Washing- 
tonis better in Glory. 
Henry V (1/90) Shakesp: 
plaved by Kenneth Br. 
The Laserman (Sce review) Fun, high- 
tech Chinese-American mystery Уу 
The Last of the Finest (Sec review) A de- 
tective by Dennehy, and that's it vv 
The Little Mermaid і 
stuff, about as good 
Мата, There's a Man in Your Bed (Sce re- 
view) Black, white and French wur 
Men Don't Leave (See review) Soft stull, 
but Lange's still on a roll. "M 


gh, wide and 
handsome Al adventure, ma 
Music Box (2/89) More ol Jessica Lange, 


às a frenzied Chicago wu 
My Left Foot (12/89) D: y-Lewis in 
a bn king job of acting. wy 


The Plot Against Harry (See review) New. 
ly revived, and well worth it wy 
Roger E Me (3/90) Michael Moore gives 
the business to Flint, Michigan. www 


Stanley & Iris (3/90) Robert De Niro get- 
wa 


h Jane 


ting мем onda. 
Strike It Rich (See review) Lots of w 
moves on the Riviera 


Torrents of Spring (See re 
ev spin in his grave. 
D) No Dangerous Liaisons, 
but still gorgeous to behold. wy 
The War of the Roses (3/90) Until-death- 
do-us-part marital comedy. wy 


WU Outstanding 
WW Dont miss уу Worth a look. 
YY Good show ¥ Forget it 


“Hiram Walker 
is Red Hot” 
Mother always said, 


“Dont touch!” when 
something was red hot. 


Well, mother wasnt 
always right. 


Hiram Walker is Red Hot. 
His Red Hot Schnapps tingles. 


Its cinnamon and spice 
and fire and fun. 

Just like the red hots 

I loved as a kid. 


But Hiram Walker's 
Red Hot Schnapps is 
definitely for adults only. 


Adults like you. 


Go on. Touch it. 
“Taste it. 


Or any of the other 
Hiram Walker liqueurs, 
flavored brandies or schnapps. 


RA 


ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. 


RED HOT™ SCHNAPPS 

24% alc./vol. (48 proof) 

©1989 Hiram Walker Incorporated, 
Farmington Hills, MI 


28 


VIDEO 


VIDEOSYNCRASIES 


Kovacs!: Before there was video, there was 
TV—and Ernie Kovacs, the medium 
i minutes 
of the mustachioed legends best bits, in 
duding the Nairobi Trio and those Dutch 
Masters cigar commercials (Rhino) 

Elvis Stories: Vid tabloid reports on the 
King the Enquire would die for—ic.. 
Elvis transmits messages through beef pat- 
ties, Elvis and John Lennon were the same 
guy possesses body of hairdresser. 
Sophomoric but funny (Rhino). 

Earth Dreaming: Rich vid collage blend- 
ing images of geographic and human 
landscapes—ie., desert sands rippling 
through a nude woman's abdomen—set to 
New Age music. Good background for 
weird parties (New Era Media). 


SHORT TAKES 


Best Oh-Go-Away Video: Give Love: Leo 
Buscaglia in Niagara Falls, Second-Best Oh- 
Go-Away Video: Meet the Raisins!; Best Video 
Success Story: Decoys and Duck Calls: Two 
Secrets for Success; Windiest Kidvid Title: One 
Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish and Oh, the 
Thinks You Can Think! and The Foot Book; 
Most Honest Golf Tape: Goff: / Hate This Game; 
Filthiest Sounding Golf Tape: Mastering the 
Long Putter, Best Thrill-a-Minute Video: Con- 
struction Clean-up; Best It's-a-Living Video: 
Буй Venison. 


Satchmo: Superb docuvid tracing the life 
of jazz hornblower Louis Armstrong. Tons 
of play-it-again clips and interviews with 
fans, among them Tony Bennett 
and Wynton Marsalis. A keeper (CMV). 

Steve Barrett's Ivy League Tour: Colum- 
bia alum Barrett toured the Ivies with 


this two-hour gem. Informal and informa- 
tive (Campu leo). 

Count Out Cholesterol: 
“video house call” by health guru Dr. Art 


Jlenc, in which the good doc offers a 2 
day diet plan designed to knock out the 
and goose up the fiber. Includes helpful 
96-page booklet (Fe 


ш. Nor s sexy but someti 
Host insists men can achieve multiple or- 
gasms by strengthening the pubococ- 

geus muscle. Good luck (Video Fitness). 


BRUCE ON VIDEO 
‘our movie critic goes to the tape 


Never mind which mov about to win 
1he Oscar. Which major movies of decades 
ago didn't win, and why? Somet 
bad luck, sometimes the Ac 
judgment. But here are a few also-rans or 
never-rans that you shouldn't mi 
The African Queen: Not even nominated in 
19510) Oh, well, Humphrey Bogart got 
the Best Actor pr and A Streetcar 
Named Desire didn't win, either. What did? 
An American in Paris. Hmmm. 

Born Yesterday: Judy Holliday's 1950 Oscar- 
winning portrayal of the classic dumb 


Roe vs. Wade (Holly Hunter and Amy Madigan bring the 
controversy to life; outstanding); Lethal Weapon 2 (Mad 
Max in Bock to the Huxtables—Gibson and Glover gun for 
Sun City thugs); Eddie and the Cruisers Il: Eddie Lives (until 
the records don't sell; Michael Paré rocks). 


The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (solty seo spook Rex Harrison 


waos Gene 
WANT AN ODD COUPLE 


ierney); See You in the Morning (divorced 
Gotham shrink Jeff Bridges tries again with Alice Krige); 


Lost in America (Albert Brooks and Julie Hagerty drop out 
of society, then wish they hadn't; still halds up). 


NBA Awesome Endings (an at-the-buzzer heart-atrack com- 
pendium); NBA Superstars (MTV meets N.B.A.; hoapsters 


WANT SOME BOUNCE 


leap ond lunge to, among others; Janet Jocksoris beat); 
Great Moments in 


llege Basketball (from "Pistol" Pete 
Earvin Johnson and "Just Plain Lar- 


GUEST SHD] 


Smoky-voiced actress 
Sally Kellerman married 
producer husband Jona- 
than Krane for love, of 
course—but his giant 
video collection was a 
pretty nifty incentive. 
“We like nothing better 
than crawling inte bed 
on a Saturday afternoon to watch videos,” she 
says. “We watch almost anything.” Kellerman/ 
Krane favorites include The Philadelphia Story, 
William Hurt flicks, Jagged Edge, Barty Levin- 
son's Tin Men and Rain Man, the James Dean cat- 
alog and The Farmers Daughter with Loretta 
Young. “And | still watch anything with Marlon 
Brando. He changed the face of acting —and 
the smotdering sexuality didn't hurt, either.” 
What does Kellerman recommend from her own 
body of work? “M*A*S*H got me an Oscar nomi- 
nation, but | think my best performance so far 
has been in Last of the Red Hot Lovers.” Speak- 
ing of which, what comes after those Saturday- 
aftemoon matinees? LARA FISHER 


blonde didn't help her movie win, but the 
competition was tough that year—Sunset 
Boulevard and the Academys worthy 
choice, All About Eve. 
ned Best Actress in 1965, Julie 
was girl of the year as a trendy 
model graduating to misery in the jet set, 
while the 
about corn 
High Noon: y Cooper, 
1952, starred in this 
which lost out in the top-pictu 
to The Greatest Show on Earth, a less 
rable epic about circus life. 
Network: In 1976, both Faye Dunaw: 


picture award went to—talk 
und of Music. 
Best Actor. of 


Paddy Chayefsky' tough, prophetic dra 
about TV news as entertainment. But 
Rocky took home the Oscar, leading to 
worse sequels, Two other t Oscar 
history—Jane Fonda and Jon Voight in 
Coming Home (1976), Henry Fonda and 
n in On Golden Pond 
ors couldnt carry 
are 10 victory 

— BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


THE HARDWARE CORNER 


Laser Fair: Onc of the gripessome people 
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MUSIC 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


ONE OF THE people who defined middle-of- 
the-road pop in the Eighties, Phil Collins, 
is signaling that he wishes to be taken seri- 
ously as a social commentator with . . . But 
Seriously (Atlantic). Ihe problem is that 
great commentary names names and pins 
blame, while great songs usually leave 
room for the listener to find his own mean- 
ng. The songwriter runs the risk of being 
cither didactic or wimpy Collins opts for 
wimpy That he more or less declares I 
self against poverty, racism and the situa- 
tion in Northern Ireland means less than 
whom he would hold responsible for those 
evils or what solutions he would propose 
for them. But “Oh Lord, is there nothing 
more anybody can do?” sings Collins in 
Another Day in Paradise, voicing the al- 
bums apparent theme of impotence in the 
face of adver Given his worthy work for 
Amnesty International and other groups 
that have effected change, this sentiment 
seems to run counter to Collins own expe- 
rience. As for the music, it sounds like ev- 
ery other Collins record. 

Quincy Jones has been so successful in 
so many areas that it might be fun to see 
him fail miserably at something. Unfortu- 
nately for alll of us envy-heads, Back on the 
Block (Qwest/Warner) doesn't provide that 
occasion. A meld of rap, tunk, pop, bebop, 
Brazilian and African styles interpreted by 
à vast array of guest stars, the music con- 
trasis and complements itself in often 
breath-taking ways. The theme is Joness 
return to the streets, and he opens by 
nily rapping his credentials, being 
joined by Big Daddy Kane and Ice T. Like 
all great rap, however, there is joy and hu- 
mor, not just brag, here, and ultimately. the 
message becomes love and reconciliation 
as everyone from Ella Fitzgerald to Bobby 
McFerrin has a moment. Just the album а 
Kinder and gentler nation could use. 


NELSON GEORGE 


Reggi 
the crea y might Star, 
one of the top African-American sell-con- 
tained bands in the mid-Eighties. Alter ex- 
iting Midnight Star, the Callow: Me 
and produced a trio of number-one black 


gles (Natalie Cole's Jump Start, LeVert’s 
Casanova, Gladys Knight & the Pips’ Love 
Overboard) and made a major reputat 


for themselves. Now, under the name Ca 
loway these С based m 
have issued All the Way (Solar/Epic). It isnt 
great art, but it's beautifully made bl 
pop with vii type cuts, tech- 
no-funk s and tasty ballads. There's 
not a bad cut here, though Calloway might 
have taken 


Cheer up, Collins. 


Phil gets serious, 
Quincy gets back and 
some books get it. 


Anthony Thompson is all about. His Watts 


Paris (Reprise) is an eclectic. fimk-hased 
collection of meditations on whats inside 
his head. Born in the U.S. but a regular 


traveler to England and Continental Eu- 
rope, Thompson reflects sensibilities 
shaped by influences as varied as Ezra 
Pound and Ricky Ricardo. Thompson is 
best when he's angry, ripping into Paul S 
mons Graceland album on Monkey and 
lampooning UK. star Kate Bush in Kates 
Bush. Thompson, in the mold of Prince 
and Terence Trent D'Arby, is trying to 
stretch the limits of funk without totally 
losing its rootsy edge, which reflects some 
of the extramusical conflicts going on in 
America’s black con iy. 


DAVE MARSH 


Tus the 
roots wh 


ineties, and we're digging up 
ver we find them. So Warren 
y puts his youthful study with 
nd Igor Stravinsky to use in 
y native Californian de- 
On Transverse City (Virgin), 
means adding elements of swirling disso- 
nance to his usual rowdy rock. The result, 
especially on such freeway-terror tales as 
Down in the Mall and Run Straight Down, 
is arty in the sense that musical erudition is 
displayed with as much sardonic humor as 
Zevon has ever displayed. And because the 
vehicle for all that noise is post—Neil Young 
blues guitar. 
The roots of that guitar style are con- 
ied Muddy Waters: The Chess Box 


(Chess MCA), a three. set that t 
the career of the great. singer/gui 
songwrit ndleader from the late For- 
ties, when he virtually invented. Chic 
blues, to the early Seventies, by which timc 
he'd virtually perfected it. Listening to 
this soaring, despairing, rollicking, visi 
ic is its own reward, been 
inue 
10 be for many more. This is the greatest 
boxed set any American label has issued. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


The three Jungle Brothers are young 


York. After 19885 Straight Out the Jungle 
moved 200,000 copies on a local label, 
Warners coughed up for the right to mar- 
ket Done by the Forces of Nature; and if 
it never breaks bevond rap radio, the 
company could recoup on street and MTV 
exposure alone. Such are the economics of 


SINGERSONGWRITER John Eddie still 
frels passionate about those who taught 
Jum his trade. Currently prepping LP 
number three, Eddie found inspiration 
this month in Rod Stewart's boxed set, 
“Storyteller.” 

“Rod Stewart is sorely underrated 
asa singer and as a songwriter. Mag- 
gie May is one of the best songs of 
the Seventies, but the proof of his 
greatness as a singer lic how he 
es other peoples songs sound 
like the bone truth of his own life. 
Critics have usually slammed hi 
first for the disco stuff like Da Ya 
Think Im Sexy?, which simply 
reflected the musical style of the 
times and, second, for his flashy 
lifestyle and girlfriends, But that 
only certifies him as a bona fide 
g-class hero. A real working- 
class kid who hits money and fame is 
g to go Hollywood and marry 
As lor the new tracks 
on Storyteller, Tom Waitss Down- 


town Tram is spectacular—I neve 
thought Ud hear anyone do a Waits 
song I liked better than Waits's ver- 
sion. Im a lifelong Stewart fan, and 
Storyteller just reminded me why 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


FAST TRACKS 


OCK 


Christgau. 


Gerbarini | George 


METER 


Marsh 


Young 


Phil Collins 


+ But Seriously 2 


w 


Billy Joel 
Storm Front 


Quincy Jones 
Back on the Block 


3rd Bass 
The Cactus Album 


Warren Zevon 
Tonsverse City 


6 
7 
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YOU CAN TELL A BOOK BY ITS COVER DEPART- 
MENT: Surely, Jimmy Buffett has had ex- 
perience with ticket scalpers at h 
concerts; but at a book-signing party? 
Fans, 2500 strong, began 10 line up the 
night before he was scheduled to ap- 
pear at Adanta’s Renaissance Book 
Store. When the store ran out of books, 
some fans sold their autographed 
copies on the street for as much as $60. 
Lets hear it for American enterprise! 

REELING AND ROCKING: John Lydon is 
lending his voice to a horror movi 
Hardware... Arthur Baker will bc the 
music supervisor on the Quincy Jones 
film bio. . . . Robert Townsend, who di- 
rected Hollywood Shuffle, is making a 
movie about the music business. The 
Five Heartbeats will tell the story of the 
early-Sixties practice of having white 
artists “cover” 1he songs of black 
groups. As Breathless Mahoney in 
Dick Tracy. Madonna will sing the songs 
of Broadway composer Stephen Sond- 
heim. . . . Bette ler, besides playing 
Woody Allen's wife in an upcoming Dis- 
ney movie, will co-star with Cher in 
Angry Housewives, a musical comedy 
about fed-up homemakers who change 
lives by forming a punk band. 

m bio is in the works on the lile of 
the late singer/songwriter Jim Croce, 
who died in a plane crash in 1973. . . 

Director Richard Lester, who was respon- 
sible for both A Hard Days Night and 
Help!, had to be persuaded by Paul Mc- 
Cartney personally to do McCartney's 
concert film. Why? Because such films 
haven't been making a killing at the 
box office lately. In additi 


stuff 
ties. ing 
tribute to music videos with the Ameri- 
can debut of USSR Y R: Rock on a Red 
Horse. More than 100 rock videos were 
screened. 

NEWSBREAKS: The Beach Boys were re- 


portedly not too happy about an ABC- 
TV Movie of the Week adapted from 
Steven Gainess 1984 Beach Boys bio, 
Heroes and Villains, to air in late spring. 
Early music over which the Boys no 
longer have control will be featured 
movie, as will Dennis Wilson's rcl. 
ship with mass murderer Charles 
Manson. . . . Look for a Tears for Fears. 
concert tour with a ten-piece band 
sometime this spring. Natalie Cole is 
shooting a TV pilot for a weekly mu 
iety show called Big Break. The s 
dicated show is slated for a Septembi 
debut... . In May, the 40th anniversary 
of Elektra records will be celebrated 
with the release of a double album fea- 
turing the label's current a 
Georgia Satellites, the Meters 
Pussycat, to name a few) covering early 
hits such as Youre So Vain and Were 
wolves of London. Danny Sugarman, 
Jim Morrison's biographer, is working on 
a book about Guns n' Roses, and the 
band, according to Sugarman, fears 
that he, as a former drug addict, will 
judge any of them with drug problem 
too harshly. . . . An eclectic group of 
rockers including Jon Anderson, Toni 
Childs, Grace Jones, Stewart Copeland, 
Michael Bolton and Susanna Hoffs have 
joined forces on the Requiem for the 
Americas LP. a tribute in song and story 
to Native Americans. Proceeds from 
the album will go to the Save the Cl hil- 
dren Foundation, 
scheduled for this spring 
& Co: Do Ma Cappella should be won 
derful. The show, shot in Brooklyn 
arks director Spike Lee's first TV sp 
al. Some of the a cappella groups 
cluded are the Persuasions, Mint Juleps, 
lodysmith Black Mambazo, Take 6 and 
Sweet Honey in the Rock. Debbie Allen is 
Spike's co-host. . . . Finally, were sure 
Elvis is gone, but the Graceland post- 
mark Elvis’ home in Memphis 
now has its own postal station. 
—BARBARA NELLIS 


-hop these days, and let's hope the 
artists get a share, because these high 
school grads have their own sound and vi- 
sion. Imagine De La Souls shambling 
w yed casual rather than arch. 
Drawling funkily through sentient n: 
tives and rallying cries that retain a sur 
prising gentleness even when they predict 
judgment day or deny that Columbus dis- 
covered America, the J.B.s bring the old 
black-music ideal of positivity to rap—an 
almost utopian musical rendition of life 
that'll probably make white people nerv- 
ous any 

But not two 22-year-old white Afrocen- 
trist sympathizers whose style is a good 
deal more militant than the J.B.s. AL 
though 3rd Bass came up in the same 
street-and-project culture that shaped its 
black brothers, its desire to reach the hard- 
core rap community with The Cactus Album 
(Def Jam) goes up against rap's newly er 
trenched ethos of racial solidarity No 
lovers of self-hatred, 3rd Bass has the guts 
to dis Nation of Islam as well as white- 
supremacist dogma; and a pussy song 
called The Oval Office (“Lunch became filet 
of sole with tongue / Oval Office work is 
never done”) made me wonder whether 
“Prime Minister” Pete Nice took a John 
Donne seminar at Colun 


Апек pl 


VIC GARBARINI 


Anew anthology and a newly revised bi- 
ography of Bob Marley are such a treat 
that this month, I've forgone my record re- 
views to talk about them. 

Reading my colleague Dave Marsh’ The 
Heart of Rock & Soul (Plume) made me feel as 
though I were listening to the music in- 
stead of just reading about it. His insights 
about “the 1001 greatest singles ever 
made” mirror both the sweet mystery of 
the music and its indelible impact on our 
lives. His literary jukebox radiates the joy 
and the redemption the author found so 
purely in the music that it doesn’t matter if 
1 agree with his choices or not—even dis- 
agreeing with him is fun. At the core of 
this book is Marsh's ion that, in 


sually intelligent without neces- 
sarily being intellectual. The Crystals may 
have more to say than David Bowie. 

Meanwhile, Timothy Whi 
(Henry Holt), “ 
probably 
to transcendent literature. White's ability 
to move the reader so deeply into the c 


ma- 


а 
the 


hing and cerie. The new revi 
arged edition now looks a 
darker side of the Marley saga, document- 
g the sand the violence that have 
nted his legacy But n light also 
abounds, especially in the person of Mar- 
суу son Ziggy, who is carrying on the fam- 
musical tradition. Its a good story in 
the hands of a 


1970. 


1971. 


du 
bugs me. 


ANY 1975. 
a" А 


“WIN 
¥ x x 1980. 


1973. 


Ф038. 
y^ 4 
* a MALE 2 
i 1987. 


1990. 


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But innovation doesn't stop there. The ultra narrow 
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Keeping this technology in constant contact with 
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By DIGBY DIEHL 


WITH BASEBALL SEASON Coming at us as fast 
as a Nolan Ryan fastball, the essential vol- 
ume to get you through the summer is The 
Whole Baseball Cotalogue (Fireside), edited 
by John Thorn and Bob Carroll with David 
Reuther. This compendium of Everything 
You Always Wanted to Know About Amei 
ica’s Game covers all the bases, the field, 
the stadium and various countries around 
the world where baseball is played. You can 
check out the history of the glove, locate 
lights for your little-league field, obtain au- 
dio-highlight tapes from every game of the 
past 60 years, equip your computer with 
baseball software or get a job in the major 
leagues (probably selling peanuts). 

A completely enjoyable and engrossing 
lesson in baseball history is taught in if 1 
Never Get Back (Crown), by Darryl Brock. 
In this novel, a contemporary newspaper 
reporter is mysteriously transported back 
to 1896, where he plays for the Cineinn: 
Red Stockings during their championship 
season. Brock sends his hero across 19th 

ntury Am 


bing scheme. It's a wild and woolly romp, 
ed by several episodes that strain 
credulity; but Brocks careful res 
gives the baseball sce: id excite 
ent that y ive a few excesses. 

No fictional flourishes are needed to em- 
bellish The Westies (Putnam), by T. J. Eng- 
lish, subtitled “Inside the Hells Kitchen 
Irish Mob." This is an investigative story 
about contract killers for the Mafia that 
will shock even the most hardened reader 
English details how a bunch of sm ne 
New York Trish punks became a major 
force in the Mob through sheer y 
ng their vic- 
ng the bodies 
g them, often into 
the East River. This book should be re- 
quired reading before any discussion of 
the death penalty. 

Happily, make-believe bad guys can be 
more fun to read about. The Horse Latitudes 
row), a stunning first novel hy Robert 
igno, explores the Southern € 
nia beach territory with noir shad 
ison to Raymond Cl 


ch 


es such vi 


nd 
made 


he Horse Latitudes is a 
nary tale of obsessive love and t 
people at fascinating moral extremes. 
The prolific Robert Campbell is back 
with his third La-La Land novel, Sweet La- 
1а land (Poseidon), and his portrayal of 
teen prostitution in Los Angeles in this one 


Whole Baseball Catalogue: a sure hi 


Playing ball, mixing 
it up with Mafia contract 
Killers and detectives. 


is far from a pretty picture. But his hard- 


and Carlo Gébler's Driving Through Cuba (Si- 
mon & Schuster) suggest the starkly con- 
trasting modes through which journalists 
nterpret the world for us. Elegant, a for- 
mer foreign correspondent for Newsweek 
and the Los Angeles Times, makes a 
panoramic sweep of Asian societ 
statistics and historical data in the style of 
John Gunther. He oflers a bleak forecast of 
American decline and Asian economic 
and political dominance in the 21st C 
tury. Gébler is a novelist who simply gives 
us a nonstop personal commentary as he 
drives the length of Cuba with his wife and 
daughter, keeping an eye out for the fabled 
1957 Eldorado Brougham. His often mui 
dane and sometimes touching encounters 
with ordinary citizens and bureaucrats are 
all recorded in nonjudgmental fashion. 
But the accretion of these details provides 
a sense of daily life in Cuba and an under- 
standing of the country's problems that is 
lost in newspaper repor 
Although various people have compared 
Michael Petersons A Time of War (Pocke 
Books) to Norman Mailer's The Naked and 
the Dead and to Herman Wouk’s The Winds 
of War, 1 think they the point. The 
Vietnam war any conflict previ 
ously fought in histor s 
managed to capture its unique mixture of 
horror and bravery on a large scale. Thi 
novel takes you not only into the mud and 


the jungle with the men who improvised 
new guerrilla fighting style but also be 
the lines where the gener 


nd 
Is juggled politi- 
cal demands against battle-front realities, 


through the streets of a corrupt 
and on to Washington, D.C 
was trying to save his Pr 

John M. Del Vecchio has al N 
monumental contribution to the literature 
of the Vietnam war with his first novel, The 
13th Valley. He was in the process of writ- 
ing another book about veterans of the 
ncluding Vi 
ans, when, as he puts it, "the Cambodian 
section took on a life of n." The result 
15 For the Sake of All Living Things (Bantam), a 
novel that explores the tragedy of the 
Cambodian holocaust with greater clarity 
and emotional impact than anything writ- 
ten before. 

Finally, for the families of the thousands 
of men who fought in Southeast Asia and 
who are still struggling to adjust comes 
Recovering from the War (Viking/Penguin), 
by Patience H. C. Mason. Written by the 
wile of a Vietnam vet, this is a knowledge- 
able atheuc self-help guide tor 
п disabled by post-traumat- 
ic-stress disorder and other afflictions of 
count among its merits the best 
ion I have read of why the effects 
ers of this war were so diflerent 
from those of other wars. 


BOOK BAG 


The Book of Waves (Arpel), with text by 
Drew Kampion, subtitled orm and 
Beauty on the Oc This is a surfer's 
The most gorgeous and dr: 
photographs of water in motion ever 
ken, all in one book. 

Music Man (Norton), by Justine Picardie 
and Dorothy Wade: The life and times of 
Atlantic Records’ founder and music- 
industry mogul Ahmet Ertegun is a rags- 
to-riches romp through the record 
business that reads like a Michener epic. 

Give Those Nymphs Some Hooters! (An- 
drews and McMeel), by G. B. Trudeau: No 
one is safe from the barbed pen of Garry 
Irudcau. This collection of recent Doones- 
bury strips lampoons Donald Trump, the 


Saigon 
, where L. B. | 
idency 


war, mese and Cambodi- 


son 


wet drea 


ma 


plight of AIDS victims and ıhe tobacco 

industry, among others. 

Southern Shores (Sentinel), by Roger 
A pleasant journey, in the 


sketches and test, around the 
coast lines of Florida and the Southeast 
Seaboard. Nice for the coffee table. 

The Paris Review Anthology (Norton), 
edited by George A. Plimpton: Since 1953. 
The Paris Review has been publishing at 
the edge of literatures envelope. Here are 
178 enir short stories— 
that could form an anthology of our post- 


modern age. 


SPORTS 


have some serious advice for the people 

n all those cities that are begging, 
ng, weeping, panting and conniving to get 
an N. п N.B.A. team because 
se will make 
1 superior to all those cities that have 
only coffee shops and elk hunting. Dont 
get one. Be happy you never had one. Buy 
a gun and shoot a city father instead of an 
elk, if that will do it. 

Why? Mainly because the sports section 
of your local newspaper will never be the 
same аңа 

It has been proved over and over that 
once a city gets a pro football or basketball 
team, the sports editor of the local newsp: 
per becomes demented and hardly ever 
runs stories about. anything else. 

College football and college basketball 
are the sports that sufler the most when a 
city gets a pro team. Suddenly these 
sports, which used to be the biggest things 
in town—and still are, if you ask any intel- 
igent, educated, tasteful reader—will be 
demoted to page 12. 

Meanwhile, the first 11 pages of the daily 
sports section will be given over to stories 
about agents, lawyers, salary disputes, sub- 
stance abusers, medial collateral liga- 
ments, trade rumors, the wit and wisdom 
of general managers and Brent Musburger. 

As far as I can tell, there are three rea- 
sons why this has become so over the past 
20 years 

1. The sports editor, who used to be 
from the old home town, now comes from 
another part of the country and wouldn't 
know news if it crawled inside his shirt. 

2. The sports editor thinks the pro team 
must surely be the most important thing in 
town, because his managing editor, who al- 
so wouldn't know news if it crawled inside 
his shirt, has learned the name of a quar- 
terback in the N.EC. East. 

3. The sports editor went to a college 
that never won a football or basketball 
game during his five years on campu: 

You don't have to take my word for any 
of this. Pick up the sports section of any 
daily paper in any N.EL. or N.B.A. city on 
any given day, and look at the banner 
headline, the top stor 

s day when Alabama's Bear 
ind Notre Dame's Four Horsemen. 
isen from the dead. 
ner sports story in The Dallas 
Morning News will be: 

MOST COWBOYS SHOP IN SUBURBS.” 
The banner sports story in The Denver 
Post will be: 


w- 


Journal will b 


By DAN JENKINS 


THE WOES WHEN 
PROS COME 
TO TOWN 


LWAY TO CHANGE TAX ACCOUNTANTS.” 

The banner sports story in the Houston 
Chronicle will be: 

“SURVEY SHOWS MORE OILERS THAN ROCI 
LEAVE GROCERY CARTS IN PARKING LOTS. 

The banner sports story in the New York 
Daily News will be: 

“KNICKS YER NETS NOPE.” 

Let's say it’s a day when the University of 
Miami campus has been burned to the 
ground by crazed Catholics, Penn State's 
Joc Paterno has resigned to become head 
coach at Juilliard and Indiana's Bobby 
Knight has turned down an appointment 
to the US. Supreme Court. 

The banner sports story in The Washing- 
ton Post will b 

“REDSKINS LINEBACKER TRADES IN CHRYSLER 
LE BARON FOR TOYOTA CRESSIDA.” 

The banner sports story in The Atlanta 


ts 


SONS WIFE DEFENDS FROZEN WAFFLES. 
ner sports story in The Boston 
Globe will be 

"SIX CELTICS HAVE SAME ZIP CODE.” 

The banner sports story in the Los Angr- 
les Times will be: 

"LAKERS AGENT CONCERNED ABOUT THIRD- 
QUARTER EARNINGS 

Lets say it's the day Knute Rockne has 
been found alive and well and living in Ar- 
gentina, Duke has replaced Northwestern 


as a member of the Big Ten and Barry 
Switzer has become executive director of 
the N.C.A.A. 

[he banner sports story 
Francisco Chronicle will be: 

“A9ERS KICKING TEAM PREFERS WHITE WINE.” 

The banner sports story in the Detroit 
Free Press will bi 

“PISTONS AGENT CONCERNED ABOUT THIRD: 
QUARTER EARNINGS.” 

The banner sports story in The Philadel- 
phia Inquirer will be: 

“TERS HAVE NO SPECIAL PLANS FOR EASTER.” 

The banner sports story in the Chicago 
Tribune will be: 

“DITKA TO CHEW MORE GUM IN PRESEASON.” 

Aside from ruining the sports sections 
of newspapers, there are a few other rea- 
sons a city should not want a pro football or 
am within 200 miles of its 


n the San 


1. All that business about how it will be 
good for the economy is a lie. It will be 
good for the economy of only one per- 
son the owner, 

2. The lovely old historic, ivy-covered 
stadium that holds the nual Mango 
Bowl will be torn down and replaced by a 
ghetto, while the new stadium the owner 
demands will be hideously ugly and locat- 
ed 40 miles north of the airport, which 
already 40 miles north of the city. 

3. The Omni Summit PAL n that will 
be built for basketball so Jack Nicholson 
will have a comfortable place to sit if he ev- 
er comes to town will not be a cure for the 
crime wars in the downtown area. But the 
Omni Summit l'Atrium will shine like a 
beacon among the riots, muggings and 
shootings. 

4. Too many people around town will 
start to wear helmets with propellers on 
the 

5. Too 
viduals w 
to the ı 1 

6. More bumper stickers 
RATHER BE FHE LI 


ny presumably grown-up indi- 
1 begin to use "we" in reference 


ll say ть 
квл CAN 


ON A BEIRUT C 


THAN A DALLAS COWBOY. 
All cities without pro t 
vied. They are exouc 


ns are to be c 
nd scenic. Sce your 
a vacation to one of 


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MEN 


M: a woman at a cocktail party last 
ight,” Bart said, laughing. Bart is 
an attorney in Chicago and has been a 
good friend of mine for years. “When I 
heard she was a writer, 1 mentioned your 
name. Man, did she get angry! She's never 
met you, but she hates you, hates Playboy 
hates the Men column. ‘Asa Baber is a 
womanizer and a schmuck, she said. I 
asked her how she could know that about. 
you without knowing you personally. She 
said she had it from an unimpeachable 
source." 

Did you ask her if she was a manizer 
and a schmuckette?" I said, laugl 
"Those aren't words, are they?" Bart 
asked. “I wish we had the right words to 
talk to women like her." 

We just started," I said. 
Manizer and schmuckette?" 

“Dont knock them,” I said. 

them." 
Be my guest, Ace,” Bart said, chu 
ling. “But watch your ass at cocktail par- 
tics. And if you scc that lady, better duck.” 
keep my back to the wall at all times,” 
I said. And as 1 put down the phone, I be- 
gan making notes for this column. 

“But I've gotta use words when 1 talk to 
you,” says a character named Sweeney in 
one of T.S. Eliot's poems. Sweeney is right. 
Without words, we haye no communication 
and no self-defense. But as men at the end 
of the 20th Century, we find ourselves and 
our language impoverished. What can we 
say when we are criticized and attacked 
just for being male? How can we handle 
the prejudice we encounter? The fact is 
that we are often speechless. Part of the 
ason for that lies in our paltry vocabu- 
lary. Women have a lot of words in their 
critical quiver. We have few. 

So the time has come: We need to create 
words, to change words, even to banish 
some if we are going to survive the current 
sexual debate. Being at a loss for words is a 
particularly male condition, and the fury 
that we feel when we are stymied is often 
enormous. 

"That is not healthy for any of us. So here 
goes, Battling Baber's first efforts at The 
Real Mans Dictionary. 1 know, I know, it’s 
not alphabetical. Hey, us guys are never 


We need 


THE RE 


manizer: a promiscuous woman; 
woman who prefers the consta 
of men and is uncomfortable with mem- 


By ASA BABER 


THE REAL MAN’S 
DICTIONARY 


bers of her own sex; a nymphomaniac; a 
prick tease; a constant flirt. 

schmuchette: a really gross broad who 
bashes men a lot and then claims she’s for 
equal rights (Roseanne Barr's picture is 
next to this one); the female counterpart to 
the schmuck, with all the attributes of one. 

femfascist: a woman (or a man) who glo- 
ries in the excesses of feminism and likes 
trashing men; those feminists who are 
doctrinaire, severe and man-hating. 

femsymp: апу male who takes up the fem- 
inist struggle exclusively and ignores the 
problems of his fellow men (often found in 
icademic and literary circles, as well as on 
TV morning talk shows); the teacher's pet 
run rampant 

femstats: feminist statistics, often gath- 
"range and cavalier fashion and 
quoted liberally; statistics that are used to 
supposedly prov 
women and the tri 


ph of men in this cul- 


toric; the old argu- 
ments that we have heard for 25 years that 
are dichés by now, even though they are 
untrue (“Women are more sensitive than 
; "Men start wi Won rc nur- 
turing, men are brutal”, etc.). 

perverse. discrimination: а term to de- 
scribe the practice of those feminists who 
worship the idea of reverse discrimination 
and who explain that as men, we do not de- 


the unequal status of 


serve employment until they think the 
time and the numbers are right (sce 
Babers Second Law of Econometrics, 
which argues that any feminist who tells 
you you are economically privileged and 
should give up your job for her sake has a 
minimum of twice your net worth and 
makes three times your salary annually). 

Unselectrve Service: Battling Baber's pro- 
posed universal-draft law that requires 
young women as well as voung men to reg- 
ister for a possible military draft. thus 
eliminating one of the most sexist pieces of. 
legislation in existence. 

masculinist: any person who is interested 
in the establishment and protection of. 
men's rights in this culture; a man who is 
not ashamed of his masculinity; a woman 
who appreciates masculinity and enjoys 
the differences between the sexes. 

visitation: an obsolete term that should 
be stricken from the language. It used to 
refer to the permission given by a divorce 
court for a parent—usually the father—to 
"visit" his children after the loss of child 
custody; but to call a father a visitor is an 
insult to him and to his kids, and as men, 
we reject the term. Those of us who are fa- 
thers are fathers of our children forever, 
and no court can negate that status, try as 
it may. 

Steinemize: for a woman, especially a 
feminist, to engage in extremely hypocriti- 
cal behavior (for example, for a feminist 
spokeswoman to have an affair with for- 
mer pro football pla m Brown [as he 
reports in his recently published autobiog- 
raphy], while she argues publicly that 
women do not need men, especially vigo 
ous and ). Example: “She 
really Steinemized during that meeting, 
didn't she?" or “I want to believe her, but I 
think shes Steinemizing” 
contested abortion: should become a legit- 
ate leg: pplied by a would-be fa- 
ther to the action that occurs when the 
woman he has impregnated refuses to con- 
sult with fier he has asked her to bear 
their child; the opposite of uncontested 
abortion (the decision to abort arrived at by 
mutual consent between the mother and 
the father). 

As I read wh; 


I have just written, I rec 
ognize how p > and crude this list 
But for me, anyway it is an exciting beg 
ning. To be able to invent our own lan- 
guage and then use it in our own defense? 
Sweeney would be proud of us. 


= э 
IMPORTED 
n 
langueru 
[т Serting 
' VODKA 


||. CHARLES TANQUI 
LONDON. | 
| [o 


ter or ENG; 


Direction to Perfection. 


Tanqueray Sterling. 
Perfection in a Vodka: 


Imported Vodka, 40% and 50% Ak/Vol (80° and 100*) 100% Grain Neutral Spirita, © 1990 Schiestes & Somerset Co. Few York, Po 


42 


WOMEN 


P the poor infant. Born perfect into 
the world from imperfect parents. At 
the height of his intelligence. he is com- 
pletely ignorant, helpless, dependent on 
whatever maniac has charge of him at any 
given moment. And each of these mo- 
ments is crucial, each shapes the interior 
landscape of the pitiful infants psyche. He 
doesn't even know that he is not the entire 
universe. He doesn't even know he is a sep- 
arate human being. He thinks his parents 
are simply extensions of himself. Luckily, 
he is resilient, and learns. 

You were an infant once. Your parents, 
being human, probably made several mil- 
lion mistakes with you, But you managed 
to pull through, to acquire language and 
defenses and the ability to cope with all 
sorts of weirdness. 

Now you're probably a dad. Judging by 
the commercials I see on TV these days, 
everyone is 0 aderful, warm, soft 
focus dad, brimming with love and wis- 
dom. Do you feel like that? 

No, 1 didnt, either. I had a colicky baby, a 
baby who cried all the time, a baby who 
made me feel helpless and scared and frus- 
trated and resentful and, OK, occasionally 
frighteningly angry. 

But now he is a young almost-adult and 
people cluster around, asking me how 1 
did it. They look at me and see a mass of 
neuroses and miseries. Then they look at 
him and see a healthy, well-adjusted, 
strong, kind and compassionate kid who 
has already managed to have a healthier 
relationship in the past two years than I 
have had in my entire life. And they shake 
their heads in wonderment and say, “How 
did you do it? What are your secrets?” 

Listen, they're not secrets, I'm proud to 
tell. Some of my methods happened by 
blind luck that turned out right. But the 
most important thing I've had is self- 
knowledge. I knew I'd had royally fucked- 
up parents, parents who could have 
written a best-selling textbook called How 
to Raise a Child So That She Has No Self- 
Esteem at All,“ The Parents’ Guide to Twist- 
ing Your Kid's Psyche.” But they never 
acknowledged that they were screwed up. 

If you know you're crazy, or incom- 
petent, or merely somewhat odd, it is very 
important to inform your kids of that fact. 

As I've said, a kid thinks he's the center 
of the universe. He thinks that everything 
that happens is about ham. This does not 
make him feel like a miniature Idi Amin; it 
makes him feel that everything is his fault. 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


CHILDHOOD IS 
POWERFUL 


You, his parent, are the most 
thing in the world to him. You are his en- 
tire emotional security. 17 you've had a 
lousy day at work and are in a bad mood, 
he thinks that he has done something ter- 
rible and that you may leave him. If you've 
had such a lousy day that you bite off his 
head for spilling his milk on the floor, he is 
consumed with guilt and feels like the 
most wretched, evil creature who ever 
lived. 

And if, heaven forbid, one of his parents 
leaves, he is convinced that it is simply be- 
cause he is a monster. 

‘Therefore. it is essential that you under- 
mine your own authority and tell him the 
truth. “Listen, kid, I know I'm being a rat- 
bag, but I'm a fucked-up person and I've 
had a pisser of a day. I'm sorry” is music to 
child's ears. You've let him off that scary 
hook. 

And if a parent leaves, the child must be 
informed, in so ny words, that it has 
g to do with him. “Mommy still 
you; it’s just that she cant stand the 
sight of me anymore” is infinitely more re- 
assuring than “Oh, Mommy will be back 
sometime soon 

By undermining your own authority, I 
don't mean abdicating it. A kid must have 
discipline; he has to know there are 
Nothing is more repulsive than an out-of- 
control toddler upturning all the bowls of 
potato chips at a cocktail party while his 


parents sit smiling serenely, saying, "Oh, 
lalcolm is so lively today” 
But limits should be logical and careful- 
ly thought out. It is sadistic to impose di 
pline just to show that you're the boss. 
You're the boss, don't worry about that; 
your child's welfare must be your only 
criterion. 

And be consistent about that or your 
child will be a wreck. If you only occasion- 
ally punish him for crossing the street, 
hell not know what to do; he'll end up be- 
ing scared of you. He wants desperately to 
know what to expect. 

Whenever possible, leave your kid alone. 
No, not physically alone, just let him have 
his way | came upon this realization by 
chance, since I was a distracted, over- 
worked single parent with very little time 
or inclination for policing. 1 never made 
him do his homework. I never imposed a 
dress code. I told him he couldn't swear in 
front of his grandparents and left it at that. 
Now he is a self-motivated paragon. He 
does his homework, he is incessantly 
groomed, he is polite. And he doesn't take 
drugs. He doesn't approve of them. If 
you're not standing over him with a whip, 
he wont have to rebel. 

Speaking of which, let him. When I was 
eight and I told my mother that when she 
ordered me to do the dishes, 1 felt rebel- 
lious, she beat the shit out of me. “I'll rebel- 
lious you!" she screamed, smashing her fist 
so hard on our glass table that it broke. 

I think she should have made me do 
those fucking dishes, but I also think 
should have let me hate her for it. 

A kid has very strong feelings. He can 
feel murderous at the slamming of a door. 
He can become elated by the brightness of 
the day Give him the dignity he deserves 
and acknowledge his absolute right to have 
feelings. 

If you dont, hell hate yo 


But the 


hatred of parents is unacceptable to a 
small cl 


Id's psyche, so he'll take the anger 

it against himself. Hell, I'm your 
nd I'm a maniac. Let him stamp his 
little feet and turn blue, then make him do 
what you told him to. 

If you have a daughter, tell her when 
she's about eight or nine that you're not go- 
ing to marry her when she grows up. Im 
serious; shell be heartbroken but enor- 


Whenever possible, put yourself in your 
place. Try to feel what he feels. Along 
with love, empathy cures all evil 


[x] 


Tre We support the АМА and recummend you wear a helmet and protective gear: always ride with your lights an and watch ont fir the ether person while riding. 


1019940 Harley Davids 


a OT M 
You Can't Sneak It Home. 


There are just two kinds of people in the world. Springer” Softail? everyone probably knew it a block 
Harley-Davidson’ owners. And everyone else. After away. With its all-chrome front end, it's about as subtle 
all, you cant “kind of" own a Harley: Either you do or asa shotgun at a sewing bee. If you're shy, forget it. 
you don't. When you've got one, theres no hiding the fact. Sneak it home? No. Might as well lean back and enjoy 
Everyone knows. And if your Harley happens to be the it. Who cares what the neighbors think? 


43 


© 1989 A.J. REVI 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


T E 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Û have a difficult problem. 1 love the Old 
World style of romance, with midnight 
cruises, candlelit dinners and dancing un- 
til dawn. Unfortunately, Lam trying to sail 
my significant other around the moonlit 
y on a college student’ 
can think of a great ma 
prises, very few of them come easily from a 
paupers wallet, and there are only so 
many times one can go to the 200 or take a 
merry-go-round ride. Does the Advisor 
have any thoughts on how one of limited 
resources can ofler a hopelessly i 
rendezvous to his love without 
increase his debt? While you're on the top- 
ic, any ideas for romantic actions (such as 
sending flowers or leaving notes) would al- 
so be helpful. Sometimes I wonder if I 
should scrap my chivalrous and gentle- 
manly ideals and just go out for pizza like 
everyone else.—J. L, Richmond, Virginia. 

So how did you learn about midnight 
cruises—on a high school students income? 
Our first word of advice: Never let a grand 
gesture substitute for a small one. Does the 
good feeling of a romantic evening come from 
the setting or from your partner? Learn to 
show your feelings in ways that don't require 
crowds or cover charges. If you want to dance 
all night, find an emply field, a full moon 
and a boom box. We recently read “ISD: In- 
hibited Sexual Desire,” a book on sex therapy 
that suggests a series of small, specific steps 
toward increasing the pleasure of intimate ex- 
changes. One of the suggestions was to make 
a list of 12 acts that show you сате for your 
partner. Or, better yet, ask her to come up with 
a list of things that delight her. Some of the 
examples: “Ask about my day; give me a hug 
when you get home from work; call during 
the day; bring me flowers or a little gift; send 
me а card or leave me a little note saying 
something positive; fold the laundry; rub my 
neck; make a dinner or a dessert I really like; 
ask me what restaurant or movie 1 want to go 
to; bring me a cup of coffee to drink while 1 
get ready for work; play with the kids when 1 
get a phone call or when one of my friends 
drops by; tell me 1 look pretty or attractive.” 
This was a list for couples suffering inhibited 
desire: its what you have to look forward to 
after college. You can come up with a list for 
your needs. Can't afford a restaurant? Meet 
her for lunch with a huge loaf of French 
bread, some cheese and salami, maybe some 
grapes. Read her poetry by candlelight (and 
ше do not suggest “Paul Reveres Ride 
Find a book you like at the library and ayk 
her to read it. If she has a test, and you don't 
ask what you can do to help (neck rubs— it's 
never too early to learn good habits). Take a 
pizza to her or ta some isolated spot on cam- 
pus. The sex therapists suggest doing four 
items from your partners list every da 
wheiher or not your partner does similar ges 
tures in return. Special is not synonymous 
with expensive. If you can't afford a moon- 
light cruise, rent the movie. Got it? 


se help a guy who has an awful time 
g his ties clean. By the end of the 
Lalways manage to have a spot—usu- 
ally right in the center of my tie. I try to 
rub out the stain with soap and water, but 
that only makes matters worse. So many 
good ties have gone right into the garbage. 
Any tips?—K. M.. Orlando, Florida. 

Try gently blotting a stain instead of rub- 
bing it. Rubbing will cause the breaking of 
surface threads, often resulting in a white 
spot that may look worse than the original 
stain. Take your soiled ties immediately to a 
dry cleaner, pointing out any stains to him. 
Letting ties sit for more than a week may 
cause the stains to become more deeply sel, 
making them more difficult or even impossible 
to remove. For preventive maintenance, try 
one of the protective sprays (Tie Guard or 
Scotchguard). Take a little care and there 
should be no reason to throw out another good 
silk tie. 


Woutd you approve of the following 
method of oral sex? To go down safely and 
comfortably with none of the usual inhibi 
tions, tear off a square sheet of plastic food 
and lay it on the pubic mound. Pro- 
as usual Enjoy all the buz 
suction and tongue prc 


trust you forever. (1 assume that viruses do 
not permeate plastic film.) Do you go for 
?—D. G., Costa Mesa, California. 
Not really. You might as well wear a plastic 
garbage bag over your head. 


our article ¡Arriba España! (Playboy, De- 
cember) has inspired me and my lover to 
schedule a trip to Spain. Since we are en- 
thusiastic but amateur wine bulfs, can you 
suggest some vinos in various price ranges 


that we might enjoy? 
Illinois. 

Por cierto. You can even sample some of 
them before you go. The moderately priced 
wines of Miguel Torres, who has introduced 
many modern techniques to the Penedés re- 
gion near Barcelona, represent excellent val- 
ue and are the most widely available in the 
US. At the high end of the scale are the 
vintages of Bodegas Vega Sicilia, arguably 
Spains most costly and prestigious, from the 
Ribera del Duero region. Best known in the 
midrange are the wines from the Rioja dis- 
trict. We recently attended a tasting of Rioja 
reserva and gran reserva reds, with 
vintages ranging from 1973 to 1985. We par- 
ticularly enjoyed the Beronia Reserva 1982, 
which retails for about ten dollars in the U.S., 
the 1981 Reserva Marqués del Puerto 
(810.50), Bodegas Montecillos Viña Monty 
1981 Gran Reserva (511) and the Conde de 
Valdemar Gran Reserva 1975 ($14). 

Youre probably familiar with Spanish cava 
(sparkling wines) such as Freixenet or 
Codorniu. When sampling tapas, be sure to 
order a well-chilled fino sherry (Tio Pepe and 
La Ina are popular brands), and after din- 
ner, a glass of brandy won't be amiss. We like 
Domecy’s supersmooth Carlos 1 (ask for Car- 
los Primero) from Jerez or the cognac-style 
Miguel Torres from Catalonia. ¡Buen viaje! 


FRecently, 1 found a copy of The Tao of 
Sex. The ancient Taoists, who were stick- 
lers for health and longevity, thought that 
beneficial sexual intercourse depended on 
the proper temperature of the vagina. 
They believed that a hot vagina promoted 
a mans health and rejuvenation. And they 
were adamant that a cold vagina spelled 
trouble for a man. My question: Is there 
any possible medical basis for this quaint 
notion? Are women with cold vaginas haz- 
ardous to my health? If so, tell, how 
might I find this out beforehand?—M. W., 
“Tucson, Arizona. 

Cold vaginas? Maybe Taoist women never 
moved during sex, and the only way to tell if 
they were alive was to check their temperature. 
However, outside the realm of sex with a ca- 
daver, there is a simple explanation. The more 
time a man spends on foreplay and ihe 
arousal of his partner, the more likely it is that 
the blood supply lo her vagina will increase 
(doctors call this vasocongestion). Hence the 
higher temperature. Friction doesn't hurt, ei- 
ther. The more aroused his partner, the more 
likely that the man will enjay vigorous love- 
making. This adds up to health in any book. 


Since 1 am an 


shifter of daytime dramas (better 
peras—the most beautiful v 
on television grace Loving, The Young and 
the Restless, Days of Our Lives, One Life to 
Live and Guiding Light, so Y make no 
excuses), I give my VCR a workout for at 


A. H., Oak Park, 


wid videotape time 


45 


PLAYBOY 


46 


least 20 hours each week by recording and 
playing back my favorite shows. 1 am con- 
cerned about wear and tear on my pre- 
ious video-tape heads and wonde: 
often 1 should discard recycled tape: 
1 correct in assuming that 1 should change 
tapes each month (after at least 200 hours 
of recording), or should I use brand-new 
tapes after two weeks? Although I ditch a 
tape after seeing noticeable dropouts, 1 
still entertain the thought that using 
video tape beyond its usable limits may 
trash my VCR's life span.—O. J., Colum- 
bia, South Carolina. 

A video tape thats used regularly should 
provide about 500 plays, so you may be 
chucking your tapes prematurely. When you 
do notice a snowy or grainy effect on some of 
them, its time to have your unit cleaned by a 
professional. 


Wa like to share a type of lovemaking 1 
discovered while giving my girlfriend a 
back rub. She was lying on her stomach 
and i eeling astride her just behind 
her rear end. We were both nude. 1 soon 
found that by leaning forward, my grow- 
g penis would find a happy home nestled 
between her lovely ass cheeks, toward the 
top of her buttocks. 1 was massaging her 
using a skin cream for a lubricant. Without 
а moment's hesitation, I lubed my ре 
and my girlfriends rear end as well 
Thrusting between the top of her checks 
felt great on the underside of my penis, but 
it didnt seem like enough stimulation to 
bring me to orgasm. So with a little more 
lubrication, 1 simply placed my right hand 
on top of my penis, pressing it snugly 
against my lover. Now I was thrusting my 
penis from my wrist to my finger tips, 
while still massaging my girlfriend with 
my free hand. This soon brought me to a 
wonderful c x. She loved the whole ex- 
perience. 1 have always had a stronger sex 
drive than my girlfriend. She also com- 
plains of soreness after intercourse. This 
method of lovemaking solves both prob- 
lems. There is no penetration; hence, no 
chance of soreness, Also, if she's not in the 
mood for sex, chances are good that she 
ill be in the mood for a back rub. 
Thought voud be interested. —R. Т. 
Boston, Massachusetts. 

Take what you've learned from this and 
turn your girlfriend over A front rub (ic, 
tender loving attention), plus a little lubri- 
cant, may take care of the soreness. If you 
make the sex better for your partner, she may 
come to desire it. 


Brr I go ca у please tell me 
if the widely advertised polymer coatings 
and protectants for car seats, dashboard 
and tires are worth my time and inve 
ment. A friend who ts a mechanic tells me 
that once they're applied, a surface actual- 
ly becomes addicted to them 
require regular applications lo 
cracking. Is that true?—1.. K., Aliquippa, 
Pennsylvania. 

According to our friends in the polymer- 


protectant industry, water-based sealers don't 
cause surfaces to become addicted to the 
product, but monthly applications are recom: 
mended for continuous shine and protection. 
Its a funny thing about these protectants, 
though. They've rated safe for application to 
almost any material that would not be 
harmed by tap water, So if youre hesitant 
about spreading thas stuff all over your cars 
insides and you're not looking for the glossy 
protective coaling, you can get things pretty 
clean with plain water 


Bam a 27-year-old man with a relatively 
parse dating history. The past four or five 
Is with whom I had any sort of relation- 
ship all were on the rebound from other 
relationships or were fooling around on 
their boyfriends. Basically, they just used 
me as a sexual outlet to vent their frustra 

tions. While I realize that there are worse 
ed 
backdoor m the 
quality relationship that could 
possibly lead to marriage. Where do I go 
10 meet quality girls? I have tried bars, 
health clubs, churches, parties and even a 
couple of blind dates, all to no avail. Any 
advice?—A. J., Newark, New Jersey. 

Sure. If you are willing to wait, you could 
buy a baby girl, have her raised in a convent 
and delivered to you on her 2151 birthday. Or 
you could decide to live in the 20th Century. 
Why describe the girls you meet, and not 
yourself, as on the rebound? Face it; everyone 
has sexual baggage. Most relationships are 
dransitional. If you want to change the script 
so that dating leads to more serious things, 
you will probably have to change your behav- 
ior Don't be afraid to advertise up front: H is 
perfectly acceptable for a guy to announce 
that he is looking only for a mate, not а date 
She may be the next woman you go out with, 
or the tenth, Persevere. 


МУ... do the Roman numerals on tape 
cassettes stand for?—L. R., Portland, 
Oregon. 

The Roman numerals are part of a stand- 
ard code established by the International 
Electrotechnical Commission and welcomed 
by the audio industry, since numbers are sex- 
ter than clumsy words such as ferric oxide. 
The code gives you information about the 
tapes’ magnetic formulation, recording bias 
and equalization, For example, a type 1 tape 
uses а ferric-oxide coating, a normal bias 
and a 120-microsecond equalization. Type H 
indicates a chromium-dioxide coating, a high 
bias and а 70-microsecond equalization 
Type IV (there is no type HI) uses a pure iron 
coating that requires the highest bias and a 
70-microsecond equalization. As a rule, the 
higher the number, the better and more expen- 
sive the tape. 


WV recently was in my psychotherapi 
office and had to go to the bathroom acro 
the hall. As I opened the door, I could see 
through the mirror over the v 
there was a woman occupying the desired 
space and she made her presence known to 


me. Being in the single world, 1 
to meet new women, under almost any ci 
cumstance. As I left the doctors office, I 
saw her in the waiting room, and she was 
quite attractive. So here's my question: 
What do you say 10 a lady you meet under 
such circumstances? She obviously wasn't 
eager to have any dialog with me over the 
incident. I know this sounds bizarre, and 
maybe it’s even a bit kinky, but 1 was very 
attracted to her with just that brief glimpse 
of her face, Any suggestions for an open- 
ing line? Something that won't dampen my 
chances of meeting the mother of my fu 
ture children?—G. R., Aspen, Colorado. 
Just remember the old advice: Never eat at 
a place called Docs; never play cards with 
your mom; and don't date anyone who has the 
same shrink you do. Did we get that right? 


Mew weer 


ago, 1 bought a 100-percent- 
silk shirt. The label reads WASHABLE SILK. I 
always thought silk had to be dry-cleaned. 
mean that I can throw my shi 
ashing machine?—E. G., One- 
оша, New York. 

Throw it in! Washable-silk garments have 
become very popular over the past few sea- 
sons. You're right; traditionally, silk had to be 
dry-cleaned. However, manufacturers have 
now developed a finishing procedure that 
makes silk washable. In fact, if you take your 
shirt to a dry cleaner, it should be wet- 
cleaned, since dry-cleaning can cause exces- 
sive bleeding. To clean your shirt at home, 
wash it in cool waler with like-colored fabrics 
on the shortest wash cyele—one to two min- 
ules—to prevent bleeding, Machine dry on a 
delicate cycle or hang dry. Remember, only 
silks labeled WASHABLE can be wet-cleaned. 
Do not attempt to wash silk garments that 
specify DRY-CLEAN ONLY, or you may weaken 
the fibers and the dye may bleed. 


ID. uncircumcised men have trouble 
g condoms? Mine tend to break a 
lor. Are there any special instructions 1 
should follow?—D. L., Detroit, Michigan. 

According to an article in Medical As- 
pects of Human Sexuality, uncircumcised 
men should retract their foreskin while 
putting оп а condom. The condom will fit 
better and is less likely to come off during in- 
tercourse. Another word of advice: To prevent 
breakage, squeeze the air from the tip of the 
condom as you pul it on. 


AU reasonable: questions —from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating: 
problems, laste and etiquette —uill be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


Dial The Playboy Advisor on the Air and 
hear Playmates answer questions. Or record 
your own question! Call 1-900-740-3311; 
two dollars per minute. 


8 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


On September 9, 1989, The Washing- 
ton Post reported thatan ABC/Washing- 
ton Post poll had found that 62 percent 
of Americans would be willing to give 
up “a few of the freedoms we have in 
this country if itmeant we could greatly 
reduce the amount of illegal drug use.” 
And 52 percent of Amer- 
icans were frightened 
enough of drugs to be 
willing to “allow police to 
search without a court 
order the houses of peo- 
ple suspected of selling 
drugs, even if the houses 
of people like you are 
sometimes searched by 


The following ac- 
counts should cause 
those Americans to re- 
consider. 
When Jeffrey Miles, 
24, had a caller on March 
26, 1987, it wasnt the 
Avon lady. It was Jeffer- 
sontown, Kentucky po- 
lice officer John Rucker, 
who was looking for a 
suspected. drug dealer. 
Rucker shot and killed 
Miles; later, he found out 
that he had been sent to 
the wrong house—Miles 
had not been wanted by 
the police. 
On the night of March 
12, 1988, Tommie C. Du- 
bose, 56, was shot and 
killed by San Diego po- 
lice who had burst into 
his living room looking 
for drugs. The police 
had obtained a search 
warrant based on a tip that drugs were 
sold at the house. People who had 
known Dubose, a lian instructor ata 
nearby naval station, said that he had 
been strongly opposed to drugs. No 
drugs were found 
In a joint DE Allocal-police drug raid 
in Lubbock, Texas, officers broke into 
an apartment looking for a drug dealer. 


When they awakened an elderly wom- 
an, they realized they were at the 
wrong address. They then went to a 
neighboring apartment and kicked in 
the door, waking a sleeping family with 
two small children. The police hand- 
cuffed the parents in front of the chil- 


dren before they realized that once 
again, they were at the wrong place. 

In San Diego, too, the drug man al- 
ways knocks twice. On March 8, 1987, at 
two ам, George Taylor, 44, was sleep- 
ing on a living-room couch when police 
smashed a window and “lowered their 
guns on me, threw me to the floor and 
stepped on my neck," said Taylor, who 


had undergone spinal surgery a year 
earlier. It was the second week in a row 
that the police had broken into Taylor's 
home by mistake. 

According to a $2,500,000 lawsuit by 
John Rickman of Winchester, Virginia, 
in May 1988, police mistakenly invaded 

a house where he was 
doing construction work. 
Rickman says that the 
police did not identify 
themselves, that they 
struck him, kicked him, 
pressed a gun barrel to 
his neck and threatened 
to shoot him. 
When Alicia Jones 
went to her door one 
surumer evening in 1988, 
she suddenly found her- 
self on the floor with a 
gun pointed at her head. 
A Los Angeles County 
sheriff's deputy held her 
down while officers 
searched her Compton- 
area apartment 
ently for сосай 
eventually realized that 
they were searching the 
wrong apartment, but "I 
didn't even get an apolo- 
By” Jones said. 
In Dallas, six officers 
and a supervisor made a 
nighttime drug raid on 
the house of Vickie 
Marie Johnson. They 
broke the door down and 
handcuffed Johnson, 
who said they were in the 
house for an hour before 
they asked her for iden- 
tification and discovered 
that they were in the wrong house. 
Then one of the officers, evidently loath 
lo waste a trip, arrested her for an out- 
standing trafhc ticket—one that she 
had taken care of days earlier. When 
Johnson returned home five hours lat- 
er, she found that burglars had gone 
through the smashed front door and 


stolen most of her clothes and jewelry. 

‘On May 10, 1988, police from a three- 
city strike force in the San Francisco 
area raided the wrong apartment and, 
according to Bok Hwan Kim's lawyer, 
“struck, tackled, handcuffed and ar- 
rested” Kim, then “proceeded to search 


and ransack" his apartment and "ter- 
rorize” his wife, mother-in-law and 
three daughters. 

In June 1988, in Plaquemines Parish, 
Louisiana, sheriff's deputies went to the 
home of Glen Williamson at two AM., 
handcuffed him and searched the 
house for drugs. When Williamson 
pointed out that the warrant was for a 
Glen Williams, a deputy simply added 
'on” to the name on the warrant and ar- 
rested Williamson. Before charges 
were dropped, M зоп spent a 
night in jail and had to post a $25,000 
bond for his release. 

Robert H. O'Neill of Dorchester, 
Massachusetts, filed a $25,200,000 suit 
against Boston and several police 
officers alleging that police dragged 
him naked from his bed and forced 
him, at gunpoint, to lie face down on 
his bedroom floor while they searched 
for drugs. They were in the wrong 
apartment. 

Following a yearlong investigation 
that included surveillance and wire 
taps, state police drove over a fence on- 
to the property of Francisco Gonzalez 
and officers swarmed into the home 
with guns drawn. The correct suspect 
lived in a house behind the raided 
property. According to a Federal judge, 
“While the court recognizes that mis- 
takes occur in any context, there exists 
a factual question whether there was 
gross negligence in this case in fai 
that the Gonzalez home js 
lentified.” 

In July 1988, police raided the North 
Miami home of Baptist pastor Carlton 
Preston, taking his three young chil- 
dren from the house and handcuffing 
him in his yard in front of news cam- 
eras. No drugs were found. Police said 
that a confidential informant had 
tipped them off and they insisted they 
had the correct house. 

Roger Guydon, 57, of South Los An- 
geles, says that police vandalized 
home and terrorized him and his girl- 
friend for half an hour. They entered 
the house, pointed guns at Guydo 
head and screamed, “Flatten out, god- 
damn it! Get down now!" When he was 
D i nose in the carpet, one of 
the officers screamed an obscenity at 
him and kicked him—hard—in the 
ribs. According to Guydon, “The more 
they searched, the more frustrated they 


got and the more destructive they 
became." No drugs were found. One 
officer told reporters that he still 
believed drugs were sold there and that 
“the home didn't look that much worse 
when we came out than when we 
arrived.” 

Eight narcotics officers in Bossier 
City, Louisiana, used a battering-ram to 
break into the house of Charles Wi 
He, his wife and five-year-old son wei 
kept in the living room during a futi 
four-hour search for the drug ecstasy: 
Mrs. Willis and her son underwent 
treatment for recurring nightmares 
after the incident. The police admitted 
that they had searched the wrong 
house. Five narcotics agents were re- 
assigned as a result of the boiched raid. 

About midnight, April 17, 1987, 
Federal drug agents and Scottsdale, 


“Tavo police offi- 
cers, who had the 
wrong address, 
smashed in her 
door and held her 


at gunpoint.” 


Arizona, police kicked down the door 
to the apartment of Stephanie Swengel. 
"The wood stripping from around the 
door flew across the room and the lock 
was torn out of thc wall," said Swengcl. 
“They didn't show us a scarch warrant 
or anything." She and her roommate 
were held at gunpoint for about ten 
minutes before one of the agents asked 
the number of the apartment and 
found that they were in the wrong 
place. 

On August 18, 1986, Reba Canada, a 
licensed practical nurse, was home sick 
from work and talking on the phone 
her husband, Mike. Two Knox- 
lle, Tennessee, police officers, who 
had the wrong address, smashed in her 
door and held her at gunpoint. Mike 
Canada said that when he d to call 
otics agent an- 
swered. “He told me to calm my wife 
down,” “Can you ima 
they kick in my door, pe 
face and they want me to calm her 
down?” 

At five an, on February . 
about 12 percent of the police force of 
the entire Washington, D.C., area was 
executing drug-related search war- 


ranıs for Jamaican drug dealers. The 
operation was not quite the surprise po- 
lice had hoped; at one house, officers 
were greeted by a resident who asked, 
“Oh, is this the Jamaican raid thing?" 
They did manage to surprise some 
households, however, hy serving war- 
rants at the wrong addresses. “It was 
like the Allied troops at Normandy,” 
Ewan Brown, 45, an employee of The 
Washington Post, said of shotgun-carry- 
ing police, who had charged through 
the front door of his house. A cursory 
search led an officer to acknowledge 
that they were in the wrong house, but 
the search continued for two hours, 
leaving the house in shambles. Thomas 
Timberman was awakened by men 
with shotguns who told him to go to the 
door of his tenant, a senior officer 
of the State Department. The men had 
knocked the door off its frame and told 
Timberman to repair it. The warrant 
was for next door, but officers did not 
explain or apologize. By the time a re- 
tired police lieutenant, James Bigelow 
58, ran down the stairs to answer his 
door, plain-dothes officers had knocked 
it in with a sledge hammer. They held 
their guns on him and his wife and told 
them to freeze. Bigelow, the brother of 
a former deputy police chief and the fa- 
ther of a police officer, said the officers 
“ransacked” the upstairs before leaving 
empty-handed 

Based on a tip by a confidential 
informant, 13 officers from the DEA 
and the Cochise County Arizona, 
Special Response Team, dressed in 
militarylike uniforms and wielding 
weapons, burst into the home of 
Richard Bergquist in scarch of mari- 
juana plants, At the time of the raid, 
only Bergquis's two minor children 
were present. The agents destroyed 
photographic equipment and cerainic 
artworks and threatened to shoot the 
children's dogs. No marijuana was 
found and a U.S. district court judge or 
dered the county its sheriff and 14 
deputies to pay damages. 

In two cases of Keystone karma, Ter- 
llman-Brown of Sacramento, Cali- 
and Veronica Williams of 
called police to com- 
plain of drug dealers near their homes. 
They got results. Police raided the 
womens own homes and Williams’ 
house was ransacked 

There are anecdotes aplenty, but 
statistics? For obvious reasons, no state 
or Federal agency keeps track of these 
errors. 

Now would those 52 percent of 
Americans who dont object to warrant- 
less searches like to reconsider? 


N E W 


S F R 


O N T 


whats happening in the sexual and social arenas 


ONWARD, CHRISTIAN TODDLERS 


Turn your tyke into a battle-ready 
Christian crusader with his own Full 
Armour of God play set, listed by a reli- 
gious mail-order firm as an “excellent 


teaching tool based on ‘Ephesians’ 
6:11-17” Each of the seven pieces of 
play-safe plastic armor comes printed with 
a scriptural verse. When fully outfitted 
with armor, helmet, sword and shield, 
Junior looks ready to convert the hell out 
of any neighborhood infidels. Retail, 
$29.95 —reduced to $19.88. 


ORAL ARGUMENT 


WASHINGTON. D.C.—Victims of heart at- 
tacks and other emergencies are being 
asked to do their own breathing under re- 
vised procedures for cardiopulmonary re- 
suscilation, In response to AIDS fears, 
new guidelines from the American Heart 
Association recommend that laymen per- 
forming C.PR. skip the moulh-io-mouth 
and concentrate on chest compression to 
keep the heart pumping. The A.H.A. notes 
that no case of AIDS transmission by 
mouth contact has ever been recorded but 
says there exists a “theoretical risk.” 


ONESHOT SYRINGE 


BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hop- 
kins University have invented a dispos- 
able syringe that works for only one 
injection. Its barrel contains a disk made 
of a special plastic in which the flow hole 


swells closed shortly after it gets wet with 
the liquid being injected. The purpose 
is to prevent the spread of AIDS and 
hepatitis B through the sharing of needles. 


BUMPER CROPPER 


From Reason magazine comes word 
that the new sex education text adopted by 
the Beaufort County, South Carolina, 
school board contains very little informa- 
tion about sex. Instead of discussing 
reproduction, sexual abuse and contra- 
ception, the manual has students making 
bumper stickers that read, CONTROL YOUR 
URGIN: BE A VIRGIN and DON'T ВЕ A LOUSE, 
WAIT FOR YOUR SPOUSE 


MINOAS' OFFENSES 


MESA, auızonn— Thanks to a new state 
child-abuse law, Arizona largest school 
district now feels obligated to give police 
the names of sexually active students, A 
sponsor of the legislation has complained 
that no such reporting requirement was 
intended, but a police spokesman in the 
Phoenix suburb of Mesa says, “Our inter- 
pretation of the law is that the school dis- 
trict must report all sexual activity among 
students, and then it is up to the police to 
determine if il is a situation in which there 
is reasonable grounds to believe a minor 
has been abused.” That would include the 
case of a couple of 15-year-olds kissing 
and fondling each other under the bleach- 
ers, he says. The idea appalls local educa- 
tors, who believe such a policy will scare 
students away from any school counseling 
that doesn't guarantee confidentiality. 


MERCURIAL HIGH 


HILO, Hawalt—Hawaiian pot may give 
users an unexpected kick. Researchers at 
the University of Hawaii are finding high 
mercury levels in the marijuana grown in 
Hawaiis fertile volcanic soil. Heavy dope 
smokers risk mercury intoxication, which 
causes tremors, irritability, anxiety, in- 
somnia, forgetfulness and paranoia 


COCAINE AND CORONARIES 


nosron—Doctors who have studied the 
effect of using weak cocaine solutions for 
topical anesthesia conclude that ingesting 
even smaller amounts of coke can tempo- 
rarily choke off the flaw of Mood lo the 
heart. According to one doctor, although 


the medical use of cocaine as an anesthetic 
is safe, “in all probability, a much larger 
dose would in some people cuuse a very 
profound fall in blood flow,” resulting in a 
heart attack, 


PERISH THE THOUGHT 


Finally, an explanation for the fun- 
damentalist mind-set. Researchers are 
finding evidence to support the theory 
that the more some people think about 
their death, the more moralistic judgmen- 
tal people become. For example, in experi- 
ments in which subjects were asked to set 
bail for hypothetical prostitutes, high bails 
were set by those who were morally opposed 
to prostitution, but higher bails came from 
those who were morally opposed lo prosti- 
tution and who had been primed to think 
about their death. Resvarchers believe that 
if a person violates anothers moral stand- 
ards, the validity of these standards ure 
threatened; only by punishing transgres- 
sors are the standards defended. 


SOCIAL COST OF COUCH POTATOES 


LOS ANGELES—A mathematician at The 
Rand Corporation recently issued some 
depressing news: Even people who are ap- 
parently doing nothing wrong are a drain 


on society—if they are apparently dong 
nothing. Couch potatoes work less and pay 
fewer taxes yet require more medical serv- 
ices, insurance benefits and disability pay- 
ments. One couch potato can cost society 
$1900 more a year than one active person. 


51 


ANIMAL RIGHTS 
1 am amazed at the arrogance 
of those who feel that increasing 
the human life span is worth any 
cost, even if it means the pain 
and suffering of other creatures 
(The Playboy Forum, December). 
1 sympathize with those who feel 
that they or their loved ones 
might benefit from animal re- 
search—my family has certainly 
not been immune to disease and 
pain over the past few years. But 
there will always be disease and 
death in this world and I think it 
lessens all humanity when we 
treat other creatures with cruelty. 
Chela Landau 
Los Angeles, California 


Thank you for being one of 
the few members of the press 
that respect our rights as humans 
to make our own decisions re- 
garding what we wear and what 
we eat. 

(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


The Japanese do not conduct 
wide-scale animal experiments, 
but they do traditionally have 
much healthier diets than Amer- 
icans—and they have the highest 
life expectancy in the world. 

Asa physician, Lam frustrated 


by the continuing availability of 
funds for animal experiments, 
while funds for educating the 
public about preventing diseases 
before they strike are virtually 
nonexistent. Those who continue 
to eat high-fat foods should not 
comfort themselves with the 
myth that animal experiments 
are powerful enough to save 
them from heart disease or can- 
cer. Lifestyle changes will. 

Dr. Neal D. Barnard, President 

Physicians Committee for 

Responsible Medicine 
Washington, D.C. 


The point of most animal- 
rights activity is to ensure hu- 
mane treatment for all 


creatures—not to stop reasonable re- 


search. 


Greenfaith is a nonsectarian group 
concerned about all rights and environ- 
mental issues that aflect mankind and 
the animal kingdom. It is not necessary 


FAMILY ASSOCIATION 


Columnist Gary Stein of the Fort Lauderdale 
Sun-Sentinel, on the exploits of the Florida A.FA.: 

1 have trouble with people who give themselves a 
self-righteous name, and then try to decide what is 
proper for everybody else to watch and read. 

And if the moral commandos find something 
that offends them—which includes just about ev- 
erything, including a Freddy Krueger doll you 
wanted nuked—they want to make sure other peo- 
ple can't make up their own minds. . . - 

1 just thought I'd submit a list of the questions I 
have about all of this: 

How do you decide what is offensive? I want all 
the criteria. 

How many people do you have looking at poten- 
tially offensive things, and how can I get a job like 
that? 

What makes you think your family values are 
better than anybody else’s family values? 

Have your people seen more dirty movies and 
read more skin magazines than I'll ever get 
around to in my life? 

Is narrow-mindedness mandatory before some- 
‚one can join your group? 

Who asked for you people, anyway? 

If one of your people finds something a little 


dirty or kinky, do you sit around in a group and 
look at it again, just so you can make sure? Just 
curious. 


to choose one over the other; we are all 
part of the same creation, from a scien- 
tific or spiritual perspective. 

Harrison E Meeske, Director 

Greenfaith 

Great Neck, New York 


Thank God that Playboy has 
the wisdom 10 see the animal- 
rights movement clearly. Due to 
animal research, our daughter 
Charlotte, who suffers from a 
congenital heart-and-lung de- 
fecı, has bought time. She is not 
cured, but her quality of life is 
better than it would have been 
had not the surgical technique 
performed on her been perfect. 
ed on animals. While we wait and 
pray, the doctors learn more 
from having animals available 
for research. 

Animal-rights activists are 
fighting for the rights of research 
animals of which more than 90 
percent are rats and other ro- 
dents. It strikes me that those 
activists are pro-rat and anti- 
pepe They should be ashamed 
of themselves and walk one day 
in the shoes of parents who are 
struggling desperately to hold on 
to their child. Their insensitivity 
is insulting and cruel 

1 заре everything that 
research animals have contribu- 
ted to science and medicine; Lam 
comfortable wich the regulations 
and laws in effect regarding their 
care and use. 

Carrie Evert 
Northern Illinois Chapter 

Chairperson 
Incurably Ill for Animal 

Research 
Great Lakes, Illinois 


ABORTION 

Missouri's "life begins at con- 
ception” law has already had un- 
foreseen consequences. As you 
reported in “Habeas Fetus" 
(“Newsfront,” The Playboy Fo- 
rum, December), a lawsuit has 
been filed against Missouri's at- 
torney general and others for im- 
prisoning a pregnant woman. 
‘The charge: unlawful imprison- 
ment of a fetus. But that's not the 
only legal complication. One at- 
torney declared that if life begins 
at conception, everyone should 
nine months added to his or 
ge—which has implications 
for voting, collecting Social Se- 


curity, drinking, drivers licenses, man- 
datory retirement, welfare payments, etc. 
I think that the 
going to have a mess on their hands, 


ssouri judges are 


R. Campbell 
Houston, Texas 


Pro-lifers and pro-choicers are so busy 
fighting one another that they are losing 
sight of the real objective. Both sides 
should be doing everything they can for 
birth-control education, research and as- 
sistance programs for the people who 
need them the most. We must all help 
eliminate the cause of the conflict—un- 
wanted pregnancy—instead of arguing 
over the result. 

Richard J. Rothwell 
Waterbury, Connecticut 


DRUG WARS 

Mike Royko seems to be one of the few 
columnists with the good sense and the 
guts to speak out against the tactics used 
in the war on drugs (The Playboy Forum, 
January). Recently. an eight-year-old boy 
reported his mother to the police be- 
cause he saw her smoking marijuana. It's 
a kinder, gentler nation, all right—one 
that breeds little storm troopers to rat on 
their parents. 

The U.S. has stubbornly clung to its in- 
effective drug-war tactics and there is lit- 
tle reason to believe that it will wise up. It 
is ironic that the murders of judges and 
politicians in Colombia could have been 
prevented if the US. had declared co- 
caine importation legal but taxable. We 
got Al Capone because he evaded taxes; 
we could get the Medellin leaders the 
same way. 

This letter is anonymous. ‘Twenty-five 
years of pot-smoking has had an effect 
оп me—it has made me paranoid about 
my employer's conducting urine tests 
and the Government's arresting me. 
Crazy, huh? 


(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


Drug smugglers and dealers are not 
the only ones making money from the 
sale of illegal drugs. Many of those 
fighting the war on drugs are making a 
living, too. What would happen if drugs 
were legalized? Could we end up with a 
faltering economy? 

Chuck Lolko 

Rockledge, Florida 


Unfortunately, the United States’ poli- 
cy toward drug legalization is not going 
to change while public opinion is against 
it How many politicians will run on 
a pro-legalization platform? Change 
enough minds in the voting public and 


William Bennett and President Bush will 
turn around fast enough. 

M. J. Musial 

Green Bay, Wisconsin 


RELIGIOUS SANCTIMONY 

As a Christian and a member of the 
Baptist Church for 40 years, | am deeply 
saddened and even appalled that the 
only reasonably accurate and unbiased 
account of the Reverends Donald Wild- 
mon's, Pat Robertson's and Dr. James C. 
Dobson's activities is published in Playboy 
ine. Playboy may be the only place 
senting opinion can reach other 
s. The Playboy Forum has char- 
acterized the influence of those preach- 
ers as being akin to McCarthyism; 1 
would characterize it as a resurgence of 
the Dark Ages, with its inquisitions, witch 
trials and crusades. If we do not expose 
these new knights of the cross for who 
and what they are, they will succeed. 

1 cherish the right to practice my reli- 
gion in peace. But I will not support any 
person who would limit the personal 
freedoms granted all of us, Christian or 
not, by the First Amendment. Advocates 


of religious tyranny have hidden behind 
the Christian banner far too often. 

D. K. Ferguson 

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 


1 love what Donald Wildmon is doing 
(“Religious Sanctimony,” The Playboy Fo- 
rum, December). If he succeeds in his 
goal of blocking all the television pro- 
graming that the people of America 
want, it just may force Americans into 
libraries and back to books. Can you 
imagine the intellectual revolution that 
that might cause? 

‘Terence B. McCormick 
Macomb, Illinois 


There are many aspects of American 
society that I don't approve of; some I 
even believe are sinful. However, if I can- 
not induce change by my example, I will 
not try to force change. 
Steven Foster 
Lithonia, Georgia 


Make your voice heard on issues of the 
day, Dial The Playboy Mailbox, 1-900-740- 
3311, and leave your comments; two dollars 
per minute. 


SODOMY CIRCUS 


LINCOLNTON, NORTH CAROLINA—How serious a crime is sodomy? In North 
Carolina, a judge sentenced William Fry to ten years in prison after 
Fry admitted on the stand that his girlfriend had performed fellatio 
on him. In contrast, on the same day, the same judge sentenced a 
murderer to a five-year sentence and an arsonist to an eight-year 
sentence. In North Carolina, you can kill ‘em and burn ‘em, but 
for God's sake, don't let your genitals touch the mouth of another 
person. 

The 122-year-old state law calls oral sex a crime against nature 
mankind. It originally called for as much as a 60-year sentence; 
the ten-year sentence Fry received is the maximum allowed. Fry has 
served 19 months in prison while his lawyers appealed—in October, 
the state supreme court refused to review the case. 

JACKSON, mississipri—Last month, we reported on the case of William 
Henry Pittman, Jr., a man who was sent to jail for video-taping sex- 
val acts with prostitutes. It looks as though he may have some com- 
pany soon. Continuing the investigation of the kiss-and-tell escort 
service, a grand jury indicted 12 men on counts of unnatural inter- 
course—that “detestable and abominable crime against nature” in 
which one's penis touches the lips of a woman's mouth. The law car- 
ries a maximum ten-year sentence. Three of those indicted are 
lawyers. Wanna make a bet this one goes to the Supreme Court? 


г DOES THE FIRST AMENDMENT 
CAUSE TEEN SUICIDE? 


On November 1, 1989, the Playboy Foun- 
dation celebrated the tenth anniversary of 
the Hugh M. Hefner First Amendment 
Awards by assembling a distinguished 
panel to discuss the issues that threaten 
democratic freedom in America. Christie 
Hefner introduced the colloquium, which 
was moderated by former Senator Lowell P. 
Weicker, Jr. The following are excerpts from 
the panel. 


HEFNER: What makes America remark- 
able is not its free economic market place 
but its market place of ideas. At a time 
when there is a world-wide movement for 
freedom, it is appropriate for us to think 
about the legacy of the Bill of Rights and 
to think about the First Amendment as 
the cornerstone of that legacy and as the 
cornerstone on which we build all of our 
evolutionary social and political change. 


WEICKER: I can't think of anything more 
important to our nation than the First 
Amendment, and yet because we can't 
feel it, we can't eat it, we can't see it and 
we can't drive it, some people think that it 
can't be worth much, But to understand 
America is to understand the Constitu- 
tion and its ten amendments and to un- 
derstand the greatness that they impart 
to a nation that is strong not because of 
its numbers (there are nations greater in 
number than ours) and not because of its 
resources (there are nations greater in 
resources than ours) but a nation that is 
great by virtue of the ideals and the spirit 
embodied in the Constitution and the 
Bill of Rights. 


THE RISING TIDE OF 
UENSORSILIP 


xor. For seven years, People for the 
American Way has been monitoring cen- 
sorship in the public schools, Every year, 
in every region of the country, there are 
more censorship attempis—and more 
censorship successes—not fewer. And 
the would-be censors aren't just the few 
rightwing leaders who grabbed the 
national pulpit before disappearing or 
losing their credibility. No, censor- 


: a colloquium presented by the Playboy Foundation >“: 


ship continues because thosc preachers 
spread the seeds of discontent. 

Although I think that Americans are 
basically a tolerant people, it seems that 
the only people who do want to get in- 
volved and who are making headway are 
the intolerant ones. 


HOW MANY TREES DOES IT 
TAKE TO CENSOR A BOOK? 


KRUG: I'm afraid that tolerance is declin- 
ing in this country—at a substantial and 
frightening degree. Years ago, people 
would say, “Live and let live”; they're not 
ing to do that today. They want mate- 
rial that offends them—sometimes for 
the strangest reason—to be eliminated. 
For example, recently, some people in 
Laytonville, Calitornta, a logging com- 
munity, demanded that The Lorax, a chil- 
dren's book by Dr. Seuss, be removed 
from the second-grade curriculum. 
Why? Because the Lorax tries to protect 
the foliage on the trees for the animals 
and birds to livein—and the slant was too 
pro-environment for the logging com- 
munity. We had a major battle, but we won. 

We've also had an incredible increase 
in the number of attacks on books deal- 
ing with witchcraft, Satanism, demons, 
the supernatural. I'm not talking about 
far-out material, I'm talking about E. 1. 
Konigsburg's Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, 


William McKinley and Me, Elizabeth, a 


fourth-grade book; 
Shakespeare's Macbeth; 
anything Stephen King writes. I'm talk- 
ing about the fact that dozens of school 
systems last October banned Halloween: 


‘Teachers were neither to mention it nor 
to display any artwork relating to it, be- 
cause Halloween supposedly advocates 
Devil worship. A school superintendent 
in Florida commented, “If we cannot 
teach and promote religion in the public 
schools, then we cannot promote Devil 
worship. We have to be careful about the 
separation of church and state.” 


THE GOOD OLD BOYS 
AND NETWORK TV 

ROSENBLATT: The press is really insepara- 
ble from the First Amendment. And 
when crises arise, they are often subtle— 
but subtle crises can destroy the press 
just as sensationally as a demagog can. 
For example. successful libel suits can 
impose the beginning of prior restraint 
on publications. Also, there is a cozy rela- 
tionship between the business and the 
editorial sides of too many publications. 
The various media conglomerates that 
represent so many aspects of the media 
force the print side to keep a corner of its 
eye on the other elements of the company 
and to worry, “Do we really want to criti- 
cize that movie; do we really want to take 
such a strong pro-environment stance?" 
And, finally, journalists, largely due to 
television, are now just as famous as the 
Senator or the President on whom they're 
supposed to be keeping an alert and criti- 
cal watch. They, therefore, have a colle- 
gial feeling about those who are running 
the show. Why, then, would they want to 
blow the whistle or seem impolite? 


ABORTION AND TOLERANCE 


HALPERIN: 1 think what we are finding 
through the abortion debate is that peo- 
ple want to decide the issue for them- 
selves, They're saying, “Even if I believe 
that you should not have an abortion, I 
don't want the Government to make the 
"Let's have 


the rules enacted that I bel 

My hope is that that belief will carry 
over to what books we read, what movies 
we see and how we express ourselves. 


DOES THE FIRST AMENDMENT 
CAUSE TEEN SUICIDE? 

Kropp: The religious right went from 
paranoia to power. How? Because they 
played on fear. The world is changing 
and many people feel that the problems 
are spinning out of control. What Ronald 
Reagan and the religious right did was to 
seem to provide easy answers—through 
censorship, through challenges to sex ed- 
ucation. Parents are scared to death that 
their child is going to get AIDS or be a 
victim of teenage pregnancy so when 
Phyllis Schlafly or someone like her says 
that sex education doesn't discourage sex 
but rather encourages sex, then people 
say maybe if we just get rid of sex ed, kids 
won't know about sex and we won't have a 
problem. Donald Wildmon sces television 
asthe bad guy. Hcthinksitsso bad that we 
can link all the country's problems to it. 

There was an incident in New York in 
which some people charted when Death 
of a Salesman was introduced into the 
high school curriculum along with the 
idence of teenage sui 
“See, since Death of a Salesman was put in 
the curriculum, teenage suicide has in- 
creased.” For some people, this kind of 
thinking has an appeal. And the right 


SEN 2) 


wing has been able to do so well because 
it has taken the fears that people have 
and framed them in a way that makes 
them bearable. We need to grab the mi- 
crophone and stop letting the right 
frame the debate. We need to pose the is- 
sues to the American people in concrete 
ways, so that we're actually debating 
the issues—not the extraneous smoke 
screens that are so attractive to people 
because they are easy to understand. 


sosennuart; 1 always wondered why King 
Lear was on the list of censors. I suppose 
there must have been a terrifically steep 
increase in teenage ingratitude. 


SHOULD THE STATE ISSUE FOOD 
STAMPS FOR THE SOUL? 


HALPERIN: We currently face a very seri- 
ous crisis on the issue of separation of 


church and state. One of the things that 
we've learned about the constitutional 
amendments is that everyone is for 
them—until they get in the way of an 


Morton H. Halperin, 
director, American 
Civil Liberties Union, 


issue they think is important. Then it's, 
“We can't let this constitutional stuff 
stand in the way of what we think is a 
most important issue.” And here’s a clas- 
sic example: The Senate of the United 
States, by an overwhelming vote, with no 
dissent, passed a Child Care Bill that pro- 
vides vouchers for people to use for a re- 
ligious education for their children. If 
that bill is upheld, it will revolutionize 
our view of the separation of church and 
state. Most of the liberal community took 
the position that if that’s the price of 
child care, let's do it and let the Supreme 
Court decide whether or not it is consti- 
tutional. I tremble that Congress believes 
that it should punt that issue to the 
Supreme Court. One change in the Jus- 
tices or a slight change in Sandra Day 
O'Connor's view and we will essentially 
put an end to the notion that the Govern- 
ment cannot support religion. 


THE TRUTH IN PRINT 


nave: People arc not only concerned and 
fearful and feeling helpless but, in the 
school setting, they truly believe that 
anything that comes out of an authority 
figures mouth goes directly into the 
child’s head and remains there un- 
modified forevermore. There are also 
people who believe that anything that is 
in print is the truth. I get telephone calls 
and letters more times than I want to 
even think about from people who de- 
mand that the American Library Associ- 
ation remove whatever it is because it is 
not the truth. 


TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE 
WHOLE, BLOODY CONFUSING TRUTH 


ROSENBLATT: The idea that truth would 
ever come from a single source is anathe- 
ma to Americans. Just look at the con- 
struction of the Constitution, which went 
from being a perfectly nice stable build- 
ing to being a very unattractive building; 
it became a sloppy piece of architecture 


when amendments were added to it. Ital- 
ways struck me as absolutely the essential 
idea of what truth is to Americans; that 
something sloppy and confused, some- 
that needs continuous rehearsal, 
and airing, and accommodates a variety 
of opinion. One of the fascinating things 
about the abortion issue is how it was mis- 
represented when it first became a prob- 
lem as being purely a political issue and 
nota collision of almost all value systems. 
It's an intellectual issue, as well as a bio- 
logical, philosophical and legal one. But 
Americans thrive on confusion. We al- 
ways have. We've been designed to wel- 
come confusion. There is a confusion of 
realms. There is a confusion of peoples. 
‘There is a confusion of language. And a 
confusion of religions. 


"CAUSE THE BIBLE TELLS ME $0 


HALPERIN: A growing portion of the pop- 
ulation of this country rejects the very 
notion that pluralism and pluralistic de- 
bate is the path to the truth. A growing 
number of Americans are willing to be- 
lieve that there is one truth that is written 
down ina particular book and that to ex- 
pose their children to something else vio- 
lates their fundamental values. When we 
say to people that it's OK for your child to 
be open to doubt and to look at things 
from a variety of ways, their response is 
that that isall wrong, that that is the path 
to damnation and that salvation comes 
from recognizing that there is one truth 
written in a particular place and that 
children should not be exposed to the 
opposite. 


BEWARE THE PUPPETMASTER 


kRUG: The issue is definitely being posed 
as, Who is going to control the children? 
Are we going to teach them what to think 
or how to think? I picked up a publication 
from Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dob- 
son's organization, which asked, "Who is 
going to control the children? How are 
we going to institute that control?" If we 
raise a generation of individuals who 
cant think, who have to be told what to 
think, its the death sentence for our con- 
stitutional republic. 


EMPLOYER, 


YOU'RE. NO. JAMES. BOND 


There's a new kind of spying going 
on these days: high-tech spying a.k.a. 
toring. And it’s not being used on 
n enemies in trench coats—it’s 
being used on private employees. 

PC Week magazine recently pub- 
lished an ad for Norton-Lamberts 
networking software that boasts, 
"Closc-Up/LAN brings you a level of 
control never before possible. It con- 
nccts PCs on your network, giving you 
the versatility to instantly share screens 
and keyboards. You monitor her for a 
while without interfering with her 
work. In fact, Sue won't even know you 
are there! All from the comfort of 
your chai 

Management, understandably, has 
concerns about the quality and quantity 
of their employees’ work, and under 
some circumstances, monitoring might 
be a useful tool. But too many bosses 
are going too far. Surveillance has tak 
en the place of supervision 
he most celebrated case of high- 
tech spying is that of an airlines reser- 
vation clerk who received a phone call 
from an obnoxious customer. After 
handling the call courteously, the em- 
ployee complained about the caller to a 
co-worker. Man unbeknown 
ker, was 
monitoring the conversation and repri 
manded the clerk for her remarks— 
then sent her to the company 
psychiatrist when she complained. Ulti- 
mately, she was fired 

In that case, monitoring was an ex- 
cuse to check not the work—which was 
exemplary—but the мотке 

And that case is not unique. Else- 
where, companies monitor how often 
their employces visit the bathroom and 
how long they're there, their work 
speed and productivity (even going so 
far as to post daily or hourly checks for 
all employces to see). Nurses are moni- 
tored by means of a box on their belt 
that tracks the amount of time used for 
each procedure with a patient. Truck 
drivers are monitored by means of a 
computer tape on their truck's engine 
that tells how many stops the driver 
made and where. Hotel maids punch a 
code into the phone when they enter a 
room to clean and punch another code 
when they leave, thus providing a de- 


By Karen Nussbaum 


tailed log of their speed and a record of 
their movements for the entire day. 

The computer screen of a data proc- 
essor in New York periodically flashes, 
“You're not working as fast as the per- 
son next to you. 

A journalist reports that as she was 
writing a story on her computer, her 
screen flashed, “1 don't like the lead,” a 
supervisor butting in on a first draft. 

Meanwhile, a senior vice president 
of BankAmerica boasts, "| measure 


then there may be a need for a new bal- 
ance between workers rights to privacy 
or autonomy in the workplace and 
management requirements for infor- 
mation.” 

The ОТА is right. Previously, moni- 
toring inspired stress and fear; now it 
inspires action. Workers are filing pri- 
vacy suits against their employers in 
unprecedented numbers, and legisla- 
tion at the state and Federal levels seeks 
to curb monitoring abuses. Hundreds 


AA 


everything that moves 

Management says that workers ap- 
preciate the feedback. Гуе never heard 
workers claim that they do. 

Congress’ Office of Technology As- 
sessment published a report in 1987 
stating, “There are strong arguments 
that the present extent of computer- 
based monitoring ts only a preview ol 
growing technological capabilities for 
monitoring, surveillance and worker 
testing on the job. If this is the case, 


EEN 


of monitored workers are calling my or- 
ganization’s hotline for solutions to 
monitoring problems, 

Monitoring is bad management, bad 
labor relations and bad news. Let's take 
out of the office and put it back into 
the spy books. 


Karen Nussbaum is executive director 
of 9105, National Association of Working 
Women, and president of District 925, 
Service Employees Union. 


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Reporter's Notebook 


A FINE EYE FOR TYRANTS 


why george bush jumped into panama 
while he jammed with the red chinese 


Two days before the US. invasion of 
Panama in December, the Bush Admin 
tration got caught red-handed in a brazen 
lie about its toadying courtship of Red Chi- 
na. Not only had George Bush's two top 
national-security aides just toasted the un- 
epentant Chinese leaders but they had 
secretly done the same thing in July, when 
the blood of Tiananmen Square was still 
fresh. 
Is it possible that diverting attention 
from this sorry episode was the real reason 
worked: 
Democracy in with its 2,000,000 
people, became the story that buried the 
scandal of Bush's betrayal of China, with 
one billion people struggling for freedom. 
The American press is such an easy 
mark. Whenever it picks up the scent of 
something important, it's enough to throw 
it off with a bone—some new hot news! 


What could be better than an invasion? 
When the Reagan Administration got 
imo a tight spot afier the killing of US. 


Marines stupidly stationed in | 
Reagan took the heat off by invading 
Grenada. Bush, confronted with the reve- 
jon that he had sent his top advisors to 
Beijing just one month after cutting off re- 
lations with that country, followed immedi- 
ately with the invasion of Panama. 

Suddenly, the TV anchors were in place 
to report breathlessly on State Department 
and Pentagon briefings about success in a 
game that had no intrinsic importance 
other than that the Administration had 
chosen to play it. Panama dictators on the 
CIA payroll, such as Noriega, will come 
and go: drugs and the waters of the canal 
will continue to flow. But the excitement of 
going to “war” wiped out any impulse to 
follow up the White House's admission that 
it implicitly condoned the massacre of 
prodemocracy students in the world’s most 
populous nation 

Yes, condoned. On his second trip, in 
December, National Security Advi 
Brent Scowcroft toasted the Chinese I 
ers, saying that the United States wanted 
to bring “new impetus and vigor” to their 
relationship. These words, approved by 
Bush himself, contradicted the po 
tions levied after the 


As it was, Bush had been slow to 
to the outrage Americans felt ove 


espond 
the 


fare, he ordered a halt to “high-level ex- 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


changes” and imposed diplomatic and 


economic sanctions. But he set about un- 
dermin 


ng the diplomatic break before the 
k was dry by secreily dispatching his 
boys to China. The message was dear to 
the old men in Beijing: Bush didn't mean it 
when he said the U етпей their 
ughter: 

Five months later, Scowcroft and anoth- 

er former business colleague of Henry 
3 ^^, Deputy Secretary of State 
gleburger, were back in B. 
hey were there to criticize not the 
Chinese leaders but any critics who might 
question Chinas indifference 10 human 
rights. 

“In both of our sos 
of those who seek to redirect or fr 
our cooperation,” Scowcroft said, adding, 
“We both must take bold measures to over- 
come these negative Ё 

Did he mean the Chinese student 
others i 
the con 


с 


ties, there are voices 


ale 


cs,” 


30,000 Chinese students studying h 
Bush, who would go to war to rescue Pana- 
manians from a repressive governm 
apparently preferred to send these C 
nese students home to certain repression 
and possible death. It was a blatant act of 
pandering to the Chinese leadership and it 
was left to Congress to pressure Bush into 
temporarily staying the deportati 


—not 10 escape the 
st bur to follow a boyfriend to 
south Florida.) 

Up to that point, the Scowcroft-Bu: 
China policy was morally bankrupt. But it 
wasn't yet known to be a lie. That came 
with the revelation that Scowerolt's trip in 
December to murmur rcassurances to the 
gang in Beijing was not his first. When 
CNN broke that story, Bush disingenuous- 
ly insisted that the July Scowcroft trip had 
represented. "contacts". rather. than 
changes." 


Q.: Mr. President, we now find out 
that last summer. when we thought 
that your policy was no contact with 
the Chinese government, you sent a 
high-level delegation there to talk 
with them. Dont vou feel that the 
American people deserve to know 


that when you say something's not 
happening, its really not happening? 
А: Yes, I do think they do, but 
didn't say that. | said “no high-level 
exchanges.” So, please, look at it care- 
fully. 


Then Bush added his real argument 
know how China works"—based on his 
one year as a happy-go-lucky, bicycling 
ambassador to the Peoples Republic of 
China 16 шо. 

A more recent witness, Winston Lord, 
Bushs Ambassador to China unul last 
April, begged to difler, argumg that the 
United States was guilty of a double stand- 
ard on human rights that smacked of a 
“cultural, if not racial, bias.” Lord wrote in 
The Washington Post that the U.S. was sig- 
naling the world “that the blood around 


Tiananmen Square has truly been 
scrubbed away.” 
Lord contrasted Scowerofts “fawning” 


words in Beijing with what Secretary of 
State James Baker said later in Berlin: 
“True stability requires governments with 
legitimacy, governments that are based on 
the consent of the governed. 
“Are we to believe,” said Lord, “that 
Chinese are not like Europeans, that they 
never had freedom and cannot afford it 
now because China would be ungovern- 
able and stability is crucial to economic 
reform?" 
This blind spot in the Bush human- 
hts position was excoriated in a Los An- 
geles Times editorial that noted itis Mikhail 
Gorbachev and not Bush who has been vig- 
orously pushing for reform in the Commu- 
nist world: “If someone had told you [two 
years ago] that the friend of Czech liberty 
would be the Russian and the accommoda- 
tor of Chinese repression would be the 
American, you probably would have felt as 
if you'd fallen through the look 
Bur... that is precisely the situation." 
his double standard toward China did 
not begin with Bush. It has marked US. 
policy since Kissinger and Richard Ni 
first reversed themselves and decided that 
the Red Chinese were good Communists, 
after all. These men, and Bush as well, had 
made careers out of denouncing the Chi- 
nese Red horde as the vanguard of inter- 
al communism—only to discover, a 
le late, the existence of the Sino- 
1 dispute. Overnight, Kissingerites, 
with the hearty cooperation of American 


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journalists, transformed the Chinese 
Communists into the very picture of liber- 
al capitalists. 

It became “a communism of sorts,” to 
usc Reagan's words. Previously, these Cold 
Warriors had held the Chinese Reds re- 
sponsible for every serious instance of 
world instability, from the Vietnam war to 
the PL.O. Now they uncritically embraced 
China, zeroing in on the Soviets as the real 
Evil Empire. Ignoring human-rights viola- 
China while playing them up in 
the Soviet Union may not have been moral- 
ly consistent, but it was useful for the Cold. 
War. This charade of a foreign policy end- 
ed only when Gorbachev arrived and re- 
fused to play the role assigned to him. But 
we remain, as Bush continues to remind 

igilant to Soviet transgressions 
while indifferent to those of what our folk- 
lore termed the Chicoms. 

Winston Lord is wrong to say that it is 
simply a matter of racism to treat the Chi- 
nese differently from the Soviets. The Ad- 
ministration’s double standard applies also 
to other Asians, such as the Vietnamese 
and the Cambodians, whose governments 
happen to be closer to the Soviet Union's 
than to China's. Ever sensitive to the needs 
of China’s old-guard leadership, the Bush 
Administration has continued to punish 
Vietnam with an economic blockade and a 
denial of diplomatic recognition. Never 
mind Vietnam's major domestic reforms 
over the past few years and Hanois with- 
drawal last September from Cambodia. 

By contrast, Bush has moved with haste 
to el e existing economic sanctions 
against China. He recently authorized the 
export of three communications satellites 
to be launched by China and sanctioned 
Export-Import Bank credit to companies 
doing business in a. Even without 
throwing in the Los Angeles Times’ exposé 
that brother, Prescott Bush, is an adv 
sor to a company that will benefit from the 
deal, this stinks. 

The U.S., of course, m 
matic relation ‘hina and has given 
Most Favored Nation trading status. Yet 
shington still has not normalized rela- 
tions with Vietnam or with the govern- 
ment in Cambodia, which finally halted 
the genocide. The Bush Administration 

as subversives Vietnamese 
ng in the US, and American 
it Vietnam. On 
d to set up tours 


intains full diplo- 


nationals li: 
Vietnam veterans who 
group of veterans who t 
to Vietnam was prevented from doing so 
by the Feds. More recently, the Bush Ad- 
ministration attempted to prevent Ted 
Tur 


ig his news program 
tnam, implying that it would bring 
and comfort to the enemy. 

Does anybody remember that the U.S. 
was in Vietnam and Cambodia to stop Chi- 
nese Communist aggression? Now the U.S. 
shes Vietnam because it doesnt get 

long with China and supports Chinese 
Communist aggression in Cambodia 
through its surrogate, Pol Pot. 


dom Si- 
s his business from 
his residence in exile in Beijing. Although 
the Administration does not seem to have 
noticed, the Khmer Rouge is the strongest 
force within the movement that it seeks to 
restore to power in Cambodia; its still 
headed by genocidal Pol Pot, who turned 

is country into a killing field, But Pol Pot 
is pro-Chinese Communist and, evidently, 
so is Bush. 

Allof which seems to mean that the only 
Communist governments that frighten the 
Bush Administration are those that may be 
loyal to Beijing, such as Nicaragua and 
Cuba. 

As the ever-efferyescent Dan Quayle en- 


thused in defending his boss's China poli- 
cy Americans should put Tiananmen 
Square behind them and concentrate on 


what's truly important—the old banana 
republics of Central America. He predice 
ed, “In due time, critics will see this [the 
China contacts] as the right decision at the 
right time.” Quayle did concede, "China 
took a step backward with the Tiananmen 
Square tragedy.” But, hey, no problem; he 
is conhdent that the Communist leader- 
ship will get it together before long. 

“Intakes time,” Quayle said, expressing a 
Pollyanna attitude toward Red China that 
he has never shown toward leftist regimes 
in our hemisphere. He added, “In the long 
run. looking at the big picture, looking 
forward, having an idea of what the world 
is going to look like six months and a year 
from now, the President will be fully vindi- 
cated in his decision. 1 am hopeful that 
you will see progress in China.” 

Finally, a bold reporter at a Quayle press 
conference asked how this Administration 
could regard so benignly the prospect of a 
quarter of the world's population's going 
through massive, nationwide brainwash- 
ing—yet profess alarm that tiny Nicaragua 
might go Red. Quayle replied that China 
was an important nation, the world’s most 
populous country, with nuclear capal 
nd a common border with the Soviet 
n. 

Hmmm. You might assume that is an ar- 
gument for paying even more attention to 
getting it right with China instead of d 
tracting us with lesser adventures. But no. 
Quayle replicd that the Administration 
needed to get back to the truly important 
sk of straightening out Nicaragua. With 
Noriega now gone as a convenient bully 
pulpit, Daniel Ortega is more indispen- 
sable than ever. “You don't rule out any 
options, including Contra aid,” Quayle in- 
toned. “The elections will be very impor- 
tant—how they're conducted, if they're 
held, what Ortega does during the election 
process, on election day and thereafter.” 
in China? Forget it 
1you know? 


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a candid conversation 


STEPHEN HAWKING 


with the physicist some call einsteims successor 


about coping with disease, the universe and —Just possibly—time travel 


“In Ihe beginning God created the heaven 
and the earth. . . . And God made two great 
lights; the greater light to rule the day, and 
the lesser light to rule the night; He made the 
stars also. . .. Thus the heavens and the earth 
were finished, and all the host of them. And 
on the seventh day God ended His work 
which He had made; and He rested on the 
seventh day from all His work which He had 
made.” 

If there is some dispute over this Biblical 
version of how the universe began, there is lit- 
tle dispute that the universe did, indeed, be- 
gin somehow. But in contemplating the topic, 
some of ШЕУ great unanswered. questions 
arise: How did all of this—uwe, this earth, 
this universe—happen? These also 
known as the eternal questions, the ones that 
have always had a claim on mankind’s sense 
of wonde 

What makes this mouth’ interview subject 
remarkable, among other things, is that he 
may be one of the few humans to have an- 
swers to these questions. In a field where gen- 
is is commonplace, physicist Stephen W. 
Hawking is described by his peers as “the in- 
tellectual successor to Einstein.” 

But his intellectual prowess is only one of 
the things that set Hawking apart from most 
people. For the past 27 years, he has been 
‘slowly dying of a motor neuron disease, amy- 
olrophic lateral sclerosis, commonly called 


are 


Lou Gehrigs disease. As the disease has pro- 
gressed, he has been confined to a wheelchair, 
virtually unable to move, and has, within the 
past four years, been unable to speak. The dis 
ease has nol affected his mind, however, and 
in the view of some of his peers, his intellectu- 
al power may have been enhanced since the 
onset of the disease. 

With extraordinary will power, Hawking 
has continued his research, his writing and 
his mission to inform the public of work in his 
‚held. He does this with the help of a sophisti- 
cated computer, A screen connected to the 
device is mounted on the front of his electric- 
powered wheelchair, and he is able to compose 
sentences by selecting words from dictionary 
lists summoned onto the screen. With the few 
fingers on either hand he is still capable of 
moving, he directs a cursor to the correct 
word or phrase. The computer can then syn- 
thesize the sentences he composes into a flat- 
sounding, HAL-like voice. It can also 
transform specific words Hawking selects di- 
rectly into mathematical equations. 

Hawking also feels an obligation, even 
with the short time he has lefi, to reach a 
wider public. He wrote an immensely popular 
book, “A Brief History of Time," which, so 
Jar, has been on the New York Times best- 
seller list for 91 weeks. Although it attempts to 
reduce the esoteric subject of cosmology to an 
understandable level, it is a difficult read for 


most people who have not taken college-level 
physics. In this interview, which caused the 
physicist considerable fatigue and strain, 
Hawhing tries to spread the word even fur- 
ther: 

In 1970, Hawking and a fellow mathe- 
matician and physicist, Roger Penrose, sub- 
milled a joint paper supporting the theory 
that the universe began with what is common- 
ly referred to as the Big Bang. That is, at one 
paint in time, all the matter in Ihe uni 
verse was compressed into an infinitely dense 
state defined as a “singularity.” Through 
some force (not excluding a Supreme Cre- 
ator), this energy was released to create all the 
matter in the universe. Hawking had devel- 
¢ mathematical techniques to prove 
earlier 1965 theory that a star col- 
lapsing under its own gravity can ultimaiely 
shrink to zero size and zero volume, creating 
what is known as a black hole. They postulat- 
ed that if that can occur, then the reverse is 
possible: A black hole can, at some point, be 
caused lo release ils energy to form matter 
once again—as, for example, at the creation. 

The Hawking-Penrose theory is now the 
generally accepted theory of the beginning of 
the universe. But in keeping with Hawking’s 
personality and relentless intellect, he now 
disputes his own findings, demanding a more 
clearly articulated theory. He contends that 
quantum effects (the behavior of particles at 


“Before my condition was diagnosed, I had 
been bored with life. Bul after 1 came out of 
the hospital, 1 had a dream was to be execut- 
ed. I suddenly realized there were a lot of 
worthwhile things I could still do.” 


instein said that God does not play dice 
with the universe! But all evidence points to 
the proposition that God is, indeed, an mvet- 
erale gambler. He throws the dice to determine 
the outcome of every observation.” 


“Within a black hole is a singularity, an 
infinitely dense point of matter, rather lake the 
singularity that occurred in the Big Bang, 
and is the beginning of space time and the 
whole of the universe. 


PLAYBOY 


64 


atomic and subatomic levels) should also be 
taken into account. Hawking and Jim 
Hartle, of the University of California, have 
Jurther proposed a new hypothesis (“no 
boundary condition”) that, if applied with 
other concepts of physics, may explain the be- 
ginning of our universe. 

That, in turn, could lead to the develop- 
ment of a “unified” theory—how all matter, 
from the galactic to the subatomic, interacts, 
l is to this quest—the Holy Grail of 
physics—thal Hawking has devoted his past 
several years of work. It is the same quest that 
eluded Einstein for half a century. 

Hawking holds the post of Lucasian Pro- 
fessor of Mathematics at Cambridge Univer- 
sity, a chair once held by the father of modern 
physics, Isaac Newton. Hawking’s world is, of 
course, largely a life of the mind. In that 
world, there are mathematical constructs of 
space and time, elementary particles of mat- 
ter never seen, black holes, neutron stars, 
white dwarfs and wormholes in space where 
time travel is theoretically possible. Foy 
Hawking, it is a limitless place where the 
imagination is unconstrained. 

To interview Hawking, Playboy dis- 
patched free-lance journalist Morgan Strong 
to England's venerable Cambridge Univer 
sity, on the banks of the River Cam. Here is 
his report: 

“In the late summer, Cambridge is a rau- 
cous little town. It is filled not with Cam- 
bridge students but with hordes of Halian, 
French and American students. For a fairly 
hefiy fee, they come each summer to inhabit 
the ancient chambers and to walk the meticu- 
dously groomed gardens of Old Cambridge 
quads. 

"Amid this campus frenzy, | first saw 
Stephen Hawking making his way up the cob- 
blestone street to his office in his motorized 
wheelchair, I was standing by the door. Our 
appointment was for later in the afternoon, 
and 1 had just left his secretary to confirm 
thal it was still on. Hawking had been ill the 
past several days and had not been in. That, 
and a schedule of recent honors—he had just 
been made a Companion of Honour by the 
Queen and had lunched at Buckingham 
Palace—had made our schedule rather fluid. 

“E thought it appropriate to walk over and 
introduce myself, Hawking was slumped in 
his wheelchair, his head turned away to his 
night, his eyes open and staring down. He did 
not move when I said hello. He was gravely 
ill, more so, certainly, than I had understood. 
He looked terribly frail and small; he could 
nol have weighed more than 100 pounds, 1 
repeated my name and explained that E was 
there Jor the ‘Playboy Interview.’ This time, 
Hawking smiled but moved nothing else. 

“He began lo clasp a small control in his 
right hand, and a computer screen mounted 
on his wheelchair lit up. Laboriously selecting 
words from lists that appeared on the top of 
the screen, he ciated а sentence. HELLO. 1 
WILL MEET WITH YOU AT 2:30, the screen read. 
Then a disembodied voice sounded from 
somewhere in the stack of equipment, wires 


and batteries on the back of his wheelchair, 
repeating the words on the screen. 

“He smiled again and with some effort, 
moved his left hand to the arm of the wheel- 
chair. He pressed a switch and the wheelchair 
lurched through the arch lo the courtyard of 
his office building, his nurse following 

“For the next several days, and for several 
hours cach day, 1 would be in Hawking 
company—in his home, at his office and, for 
one evening, as his guest, accompanying him 
and his mother to dinner at the faculty dining 
room of Gonville and Caius College. 

“He utterly seems to dismiss the disease 
that has literally ravaged him. He simply bar- 
rels ahead, doing his best to ignore it. But no 
one who sees him or spends any time with him 
can do the same. I have conducted interviews 
in wartime and in terrorist zones that were 
endurance contests. But the many hours 
Hawking and 1 spent on this interview were 
more painful than any of those in the past. In 
fact, I think they may have been more of a 
mental agony for me than for Hawking He 
always managed to inject humor and wit into 
the conversation, even when it was clear that 
he was uncomfortable. 


“There are two views of the 


universe. One is that it 
is ruled by mysterious 

spirituality. The other is 
that it is governed by 


rational laws.” 


must be tired; hes always in a hurry to get 
home when he’s tired." 
“So was L" 


PLAYBOY: Hello, Professor Hawki 
HAWKING: Hello, how are vou? Please for- 
€ my American accent. [Smiles] 
PLAYBOY: Your computer does sound like a 
Midwesterner. Can you tell us a little about 
you before the secrets of the 
universe caught your interest? 

HAWKING: Yes. I was born on January 
eighth, 1942, three hundred years to the 
alter the death of Galileo. I was born 
in Oxford—even though my parents 
home was in London—because Oxford 
was a good place to be during the war. 
PLAYBOY: Galileo was tried and imprisoned 
for heresy by the Catholic Church for his 
theories of the universe. Did he have some- 
thing in common with you? 

HAWKING: Yes. However, I estimate that 
about two hundred thousand other babies 
were also born on that date. [Smiles] And 1 
any of them were later inter- 
astronomy. 

PLAYBOY: You have had a little trouble with 
the current Pope. Didn't he caution you 
nst going too far in your work? 
HAWKING: Yes. There are two views of the 
universe. One is that it is ruled by mysteri- 
ous spirituality—forees that are never 
properly understood. The other is that it is 
governed by rational laws that can be for- 
mulated in mathematical theorems. It is 
clear which view I hold. 
PLAYBOY: Yes. Your quest is to 
standing, based on scientifi 
how the universe began. But Chi 
ers believe they already have that under- 
standing, don't they? 
HAWKING: The history of human civ 


g- 


early 


“If Hawking has any physical limitations, 
they seem unknown lo him. On the evening 
we had dinner together, after we left the col- 
lege, his mother and I walked cautiously 
along a badly lit dirt path through a small 
wooded area toward his house. Hawking was 
ahead in his wheelchair, accompanied by his 
nurse, Suddenly, he put it to the floor This 
frail, small man, completely vulnerable, 
raced off through the night, leaving his 
murse—awho was forced to run desperately, 
trying lo catch up-—Jar behind. He drove e 
ratically, weaving wildly from side lo side, the 
River Cam only a few feet from the path 

“He did not stop until he had reached the 
main street bordering the park 50 yards or so 
away, and then only for a few seconds. He ca. 
тетей oul into the street to a crosswalk, 
abruptly stopping trafic. (Luckily, British 
drivers will stop if a pedestrian enters the 
crosswalk. It occurred to me that had it been 
New York, the world surely would have been 
less one physicist.) 

“Hawking raced across the intersection 
and out into the middle of the street and 
roared out of sight toward his home several 
blocks away. As the nurse totlered after him, 
his mother calmly explained to me, ‘Stephen 


that govern er and bigger and bigger 
part of our experience. 1 see no rcaso 
why it should not continue until we have a 
complete unified theory for everything in 
the universe. I don't hold with mysticism. 1 
think it is a soft option for those not will 
ing to make the effort to understand the 
rational laws that govern the universe. 1 
think that from the time of Galileo, 
Church leaders have learned better than to 
pronounce on cosmology. 

PLAYBOY: Getting back to your personal 
history, vou had a rather c 
childhood. 
plays of 
school da 
HAWKING: Yes. I went to a public school— 
what Americans call a private school— 
Albans. My father had wanted me to 
go to Westminster School, one of the main 
private schools. He had gone to a minor 
public school himself and feli that thi 
had al 
Albans. Г received as good an education as 
or better than 1 would have at We 
ster. I was never more than halfwa 


There w 


E ' 


T = e 24 


BE E ipi =€ 


- BME 


"] was wondering if you could possibly return 
the cup of Johnnie Walker Black Label you borrowed? 


©1988 JOHNNIE WALKER? BLACK LABEL 12 YEAR OLO BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY. B6 8 PROOF. BOTTLED IN SCOTLAND. IMPORTED BY SCHIEFFELIN & SOMERSET, NEW YORK, NY. 


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were just an average student? 
HAWKING: [Smiles] When I wa 
of my friends bet another friend a bag of 
that I would never amount to any- 
thing. I don't know if the bet was ever set- 
ed and, if so, which way it was decided. 
PLAYBOY: Alter nt Albans, you went on 
to university to study physics. 

HAWKING: Well, my father 
and wanted me to study medicine at his old 
college, University College, Oxford. 1 
шей to study mathematics, more math- 
s and physics. But my father 
thought there would not be 
mathematics, apart from teaching. He 
therefore made me do chemistry, physics 
and only a small amount of mathemat 
niversity College in 1 


a doctor 


duly went to Ur 
do physics, which was the subject that in- 
terested me, since physics governs the laws 
of the universe. 

PLAYBOY: Then you had made up your 
mind early on what you wanted to do? 
HAWKING: Yes. From the age of twelve, I 
had wanted to be a scientist. And cosmolo- 
gy seemed the most fundamental science. 
: During your time at Oxford, we 
id that you were, again, an indif- 
ferent student 

HAWKING: Most of the other students at 
Oxford in my year had done military serv- 
ice and were a lot older. | felt rather lonely 
during my first year and part of the sec- 
ond. It was only in my third year that I re- 
felt happy at Oxford. The prevailing 
titude there at that time was very casual, 
very antiwork. 


and get a fourth-class degree. 
‘To work hard to geta better class of degree 
was regarded as the mark of a gray man, 
the worst epithet in the Oxford vocabulary. 
PLAYBOY: That epithet today may be nerd. 
HAWKING: Well, anyway, the physics course 
at Oxford was arranged in a way that 
le it particularly easy to avoid work. 1 


m 
did one exam before I went up, and then 
had three years at Oxford, with just the 
final exams at the end. I once calculated 


that I'd done about a thousand hours’ work 
in those three years, an average ol an hour 
a day. I'm not proud of that; I'm just de- 
scribing the attitude at the time, which 1 
d with my fellow students—a 


tude of complete boredom and fe 


ng that 


nothing was worth making an effort for 


were diagnosed as having ALS, or amy- 
otrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as 
chrig’s disease, which is supposed to 
I within a very short time. It must 


be fai 


e faced with 
h. 


you 
possibility of an early de: 
you rea at life is worth livi 
there are lots of things you 
PLAYBOY: Accore 
views, and a recent 20/20 segment by 
Hugh Downs on ABC-TV, when you got 
your diagnosis, you simply gave up and 


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PLAYBOY 


58 


went on a drinking binge for a few years. 
HAWKING: Its a good story, but it's not true. 
PLAYBOY: What did happen? 

HAWKING: The realization that I had an in- 
curable disease that was likely to Kill me in 
a few years was a bit of a shock. Why 
should it happen to me? Why should I be 
cut off like this? But while I was in the hos- 
pital, I saw a boy die of leukemia in the bed 
opposite me. lt was not a pretty sight. 
Clearly, there were people worse off than I. 
Whenever 1 feel inclined to be sorry for 
myself, 1 remember that boy. 

PLAYBOY: And you didn't go off on the long. 
binge, as reported? 

HAWKING: I took to listening to Wagner, 
but the reports that ] drank heavily are an 
exaggeration. The trouble is, once one ar 
ticle said it, others copied it, because it 
made a good story. Anything that has ap- 
peared in print so many times has to be 
true 

PLAYBOY: Still, it's astonishing that you had 
so mild a reaction. Most people might have 
given up—or gone on that binge. 
HAWKING: My dreams were disturbed fora 
while. Before my condition was diagnosed, 
Thad been very bored with life. There had 
not seemed to be anything worth doing. 
But shortly after I came out of the hospital, 
I dreamed that I was going to be executed. 
I suddenly realized that if I were re- 
prieved. there were a lot of worthwhile 
things I could do. Another dream I had 
several times was that 1 would sacrifice my 
life to save others. After all, if I were going 
to dic anyway, it might do some good. 
PLAYBOY: Doesn't th ible disease make 
you angry? 

HAWKING: Yes. I'm a normal huma 
with normal needs and emotions. 
PLAYBOY: You got married and started a 
family shortly after you were diagnosed. 
HAWKING: Yes, I got engaged to Jane 
Wilde, whom 1 had met just about the time 
my condition was diagnosed, That engage- 
ment changed my life. It gave me some- 
thing to live for. But it also meant I had to 
get а job if we were to be married 

PLAYBOY: Did your lazy stroll through Ox- 
ford hurt you in finding a job? 

HAWKING: Yes. Eventually, I applied for a 
research fellowship in theoretical physics 
at Caius College, Cambridge. And, to my 
great surprise, I got a fellowship and we 
were married a few months later. 

т disease affect your 


n being 


PLAYBOY: How did y 
lifestyle? 


When we were r 
undergraduate ar Wes! 
n London, so she had to go up to 
London during the week. This meant that 
we had to find a place that was central, 
where I could manage on my own, because 
by then, I could not walk far. I asked the 
college for help, but I was told that it was 
not college policy to help fellows with 
housing. 

PLAYBOY: But you managed. 

HAWKING: Yes. After several years, we were 
given the ground-floor flat in this house, 
which is owned by the college. This suits 


me very well, because it has large rooms 
and wide doors. [t is sufficiently central so 
that I can get to my university department, 
or the college, in my electric wheelchair. I 


is also nice for our children, because it 
surrounded by garden, which is looked 
alter by the college gardener: 

PLAYBOY: Wasn't it extremely dificult 
rai your three children? 

HAWKING: Yes. Up to 1974, 1 was able to 


feed myself and get in and out of bed. Jane 
m: ‚ed to help me, and to bring up two 
of our children, without outside help. But 
things were getting more difficult, so we 
100k to having one of my research students 
live with us to help. In 1980, we changed to 
a system of community and private nurse: 
who would come in for an hour or two in 
the morning and the evening 

PLAYBOY: You have twenty-four-hour nurs- 
y care no 
HAWKING: Yes. I caught pneumonia in 
1985. I had to have a tracheotomy. After 
that, I had to have twenty-four-bour nurs- 
care, 

PLAYBOY: Is it the operation ihat prevents 
you from speaking? 

HAWKING: Yes. Before the operation, my 
speech was slurred, so that only a few peo- 
ple who knew me well could understand 
me. But at least I could communicate. I 
wrote scientific letters by dictating to a sec- 
retary, and I gave lectures through an in- 
terpreter, who repeated my words more 
dearly. 

But after the operation, I could commu- 
nicate only by spelling words out letter by 
ising my eyebrows when someone 
pointed to the correct letter on a card. It is 
conversation 
me write a scientific paper. 
nd now you have the computer. 
HAWKING: Walt Woltosz, a software expert 
in California, heard of my plight. He sent 
me a computer program he had written 
called Equ This allowed me to select 
words from ies of menus on the screen 
by pressing a switch in my hand. When 1 
have built up what I want to say, Lean send 
it to a speech synthesizer. 
PLAYBOY: Why did you choose theoretical 
physics for your research? 

HAWKING: Because of my disease. 1 chose 
my field because I knew I had ALS. Cos- 
mology. unlike many other disciplines. 
does not require lecturing. lt was a fortu- 
as one of the few 
areas in which my speech disability was not 
a serious handicap. I was also fortunate 
that when I started my research, in 1962. 
general relativity and cosmology were un- 
derdeveloped fields, with little compet 
on, so my disease would not be a serious 
npediment. There were lots of exciting 
'overies to be made, and not many peo- 
ple to make them, Nowadays, there is 
uch more competition, [Smiles] 

PLAYBOY: Did you experience difficulty at 


the beginning? 
HAWKING: | was not making much prog- 
ress with my arch, because I didn't 


have much mathematical background. But 


gradually, I began to understand what I 
was doing. 

PLAYBOY: Let's see if we can understand 
some of it. To begin with, you use only one 


fundamenta n your book, A 


sis of your wa 
HAWKING: That equation, E 
presses the fact that energy and ma: 
really the same thing. E is for energy and 
m is for mass. The speed of light. c. is in 
the equation just to make the units the 
same on both sides. However, you can use 
units in which e equals one. This equation 
is important because it shows that matter 
can be transformed into energy and vice 
versa. In fa seems that in the early 
stages of the universe, all matter was made 
out of energy 

PLAYBOY: Energy that was then trans- 
formed to mass—or the solid bodies that 
make up the universe. 

HAWKING: Yes. The energy was borrowed. 
from the gravitational force of the uni 
verse, which had compressed everything: 
to infinite density before it was released in 
the Big Bang. The total net energy of the 
universe is zero. Thus, the whole universe 
is for nothing. Who says there is no such 
thing as a free lunch? [Smiles] 

PLAYBOY: How does the total energy of the 
universe equal zero? 

HAWKING: It takes energy to create matter 
But the matter in the univer 
all other matter in the un: 
traction gives the matter a negative energy 
thatis exactly equal to the energy required 
to create the matter. Thus, the total energy 
of the universe is ze 
PLAYBOY: So once matter is created, the en- 
ergy exists in the matier, which is spread 
out across the universe. Where did the en- 
ergy that was needed for the Big Bang to 
occur come from? 

HAWKING: The energy needed to create 
the Big Bang came from the universe it 
created. 

PLAYBOY: In the equation, time is also im- 
portant. Why? 

HAWKING: Before Einstein, 
thought of as completely se 
space. People believed that there was what 
was called absolute time. That is, each 
event could be given a unique value of 
time. However, experiments showed that 
this could not be the case. And Finstein 
showed that the experiments could be ex- 
plained if one said that time was not sepa- 
rate from space but was combined with it 
in something called space time. 

PLAYBOY: According to Einstein, that 
means the time of an observed event in 
space is dependent on the position of the 
observer. So it becomes another measure- 
ment, like width and height 

HAWKING: Yes. Later, Einstein was able to 
show that gravity could be explained i 
space time were not flat but curved. This 
idea of space time has completely trans- 
formed the way we look at the uni 


time 
rate from 


was 


HAWKING: A black hole is a region in which 
the gravitational field is so strong nothing 
can escape. Within a black hole, there will 
be a singularity, where space time comes to 
an end. This singularity, an infinitely 
dense point of matter, is rather like the sin- 
gularity that occurred in the Big Bang and 
is the begi ng of space time and the 
whole of the universe. 

v is it called a black hole? 
The gravitational field of the 
singularity would be so strong that light it- 
self could not escape from a region around 
it but would be dragged back by the gravi- 
tational field. The region from which it is 
not possible to escape is called a black hole. 
Its boundary is called the event horizon. 
PLAYBOY: If a black hole is not observable, 
how do you find one? 

HAWKING: From 1970 to 1974, | worked 
mainly on black holes. In 1974, I made per- 
haps my most surprising discovery: Black 
holes are not completely black! When one 
takes small-scale behavior into account, 
particles and radiation can leak out of a 
black hole. The black hole emits radiation 
as if it were a hot body. 

PLAYBOY: If your theories are correct, then 
a black hole will eventually explode in a 
way similar to how the universe began? 
HAWKING: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Why does that happen? 
HAWKING: Because of the uncertainty prin- 
ciple of quantum mechanics, particles and 
energy slowly leak out of the black 
hole. This will make it grow smaller and 
smaller and leak energy more rapidly. 
Eventually, the black hole will disappear in 
a tremendous explosion. 

PLAYBOY: Quantum mechanics is the study 
of the behavior of systems at small scales. 
HAWKING: Yes. Atoms or elementary parti- 
cles. In any case, a black hole cannot just 
suddenly pop out of nothing and explode, 
because there has to be something there to 
provide energy. 

PLAYBOY: The matter that has been com- 
pressed by a star collapsing upon itself? 
HAWKING: Yes. Mass or energy is always 
conserved. That means empty space, with 
no matter or energy it, will stay empty. 
A black hole cannot simply appear in pre- 
viously empty space. It has to be made 
from matter or energy, such as a star that 
collapses in on itself because of its own 
gravity. 

PLAYBOY: Even though you've made black 
holes a central part of your life's work, you 
concede that one has yet to be discovered. 
In fact, you mention in your book that you 
have a bet with a colleague that one will not 
be discovered. Is that true. 

HAWKING: Yes. I had a wager with Kip 
Thorne at Cal Tech that Cygnus Х-1 was 
not a black hole. It was an insurance policy, 
really. 1 h: 
holes, and it all would have been 
it had turned out that they didn't e 
then, at least I would have had the 
tion of winning my bet. [Smiles] 


HAWKING: Well, now I consider the evi- 


for black holes so good, thanks to 
à , that 1 have conceded the bet 
Cygnus Х-1 is a system consisting of a nor- 
star orbiting around an unseen com- 
ion. It seems that matter is being blown 
off the normal star and falling on the com- 
panion. Asit falls toward the companion, it 
develops a spiral motion, like water run- 
ig out of a bath. It will get very hot and 
will give off X rays that are observed. We 
can show that the mass of the companion is 
at least six times that of the sun. Thar's 100 
much to be a white dwarf or a neutron star, 
so it must be a black hole. 

PLAYBOY: We feel privileged to hear the 
news. Can you go beyond deduction and 


establish what a black hole is, physically? 
HAWKING: We want a volunteer who will 
jump into the black hole and find out what 
happens inside. Unfortunately, he won't be 
able 10 signal back to us to let us know. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 

HAWKING: Because of something called a 
light cone. A light cone of an even 
the set of events that can be reached from 
the event by signals traveling at the speed 
of light. Now, according to the theory of 
relativity, nothing can travel faster than 
light. Thus an event, B, outside the permit- 
ted light cone of A, cannot be affected by 
what happens at A. And the signal can't 
get out because it's traveling at less than 


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PLAYBOY 


the speed of light 

PLAYBOY: We think we follow you. In your 
book, you say that in such an event, a per- 
son—or any objeci—would be torn apart 
by gravitational forces. And the intense 
gravity would prevent even radio signals 
from escaping, 

HAWKING: Yes 
would have a sticky end at a singularity. His 


A volunteer tronaut 


particles would survive, but that, 1 sup- 
pose, is small comfort. [Smiles] 

PLAYBOY: But isn't there a possibility that he 
or she might escape through what is called 
a wormhole? 

HAWKING: Yes, Particles that fall into a 
black hole may pass through a thin tube, or 
wormhole, and come out somewhere else 
in the universe. But wormholes occur only 
in imaginary time. The history of the par 
ticles, and of an astronaut in real ime, will 
come to a bad end at a singularity. 
PLAYBOY: There are no real wormholes? 
HAWKING: The wormholes 1 mention in the 
book occurred in real timc. And no, it 
scems that that kind of wormhole will not 
occur. However, since the book was writ- 
ten, Land other people have been working 
on a different kind of wormhole that oc- 
curs in imaginary time. 
PLAYBOY: What is imaginary tim 
HAWKING: Imaginary time is another di- 
rection of time, one that is at right angles 
to ordinary, real time. It seems that there 
will be large numbers of imaginary-time 
wormholes branching off, and joining on, 


everywhere. We do not notice them direct- 
ly, bur they affect everything we observe d 
rectly. It is an exciting area of research 
In the past fifteen years, we have real 
ized that it may be possible to use quantum 
theory to fully unify time with space. This 
would mean we could get away from this 
one: al, linelike behavior of time. 
PLAYBOY: And you use imaginary time, and 
wormholes, to speculate about objects trav- 
eling through time, don't you? 
HAWKING: [Smiles] Objects will pass 
through a thin tube, or wormhole, in imag- 
inary time, and out into another universe, 
or another part of our universe. In ordi- 
nary time, one could pass through a black 
hole and come out of a white hole. 
PLAYBOY: A white hole? 
HAWKING: Yes. The laws of physics are sym- 
metrical and if there are objects called 
black holes, which things can fall into but 
not out of, there ought to be objects that 
things can fall out of but not into. One c 
call these white holes 
PLAYBOY: In ordinary time. But you said 
that was impossible 
HAWKING: A white hole 
of a black hole. The white hole may be in 
another universe, or another part of our 
universe. We 
space travel. Otherwise, the distances are 
so vast it would take millions of years to go 
to the next galaxy and return. But if you 
could go through a black hole and out a 


limension 


n 


is the time reverse 


could use this method for 


white hole, you could be back in time for 
tea 

PLAYBOY: And if it were possible, in theory 
at least, you could travel back in time? 
HAWKING: Yes. The trouble is. there would 
be nothing to stop you from getting back 
before you set out. [Smiles] 

PLAYBOY: Or you could get back and find 
yourself dead. Or your world dead. 
HAWKING: Fortunately, for our survival, it 
seems that space times in which one can 
travel back to the past are unstable. The 
least disturbance, such as a spaceship go- 
ing through, will cause the passage be- 
tween a black hole and a white hole to 
pinch off. The history of the sp 
would come to an end, torn apart and 


ceship 


crushed out of existence. 

PLAYBOY: But getting back to reality, so to 
speak, are wormholes in imaginary time 
different? 

HAWKING: Wormholes in imaginary time 
dont have singulari 
any situation. They will change the appar- 
ent interactions of particles in ways that 
still have to be calculated properly. But it 
does scem that one important interaction 
is affected in a very significant way. This is 
the so-called cosmological constant, which 
"built tendency to ex- 


es and can occur in 


gives space time an 
pand or contract 
PLAYBOY: Where will these particles then 
go? 

HAWKING: Baby universes. According to 
some recent work of mine, the particles 


Stoli. For the purist. 


will go off into a baby universe of their 
n 


own. This baby universe may join on ag 
to our region of space time. If it does, it 
nother black 


ated. 


would appear to us to be 
hole that. formed and then evapı 
Particles that fell into one black hole would 
appear as partieles emitted by the other 
black hole, and vice versa 

PLAYBOY: All of that is abstruse mathemati- 
cal theory, isn't i? lı seems difficult to 
imagine actually observing any of it 
HAWKING: Mathematical models of the 
universe that use the concept of imaginary 
time can give us explanations of why the 
universe began in the way it did. If you 
like, you can say that the use of imaginary 
time is just a mathematical trick that 
doesnt tell us anything about reality, or 
about the nature of time. 

But if you take a positivist position, as 1 
do, questions about reality don't have any 
meaning. All one can ask is whether imagi- 
nary time is useful in formulating mathe- 
matical models that describe what we 
observe. This it certainly is. One can take 
an extreme position and say that imagi- 
nary time is really the funda tal con- 
cept in which the mathematical model 
should be formulated. Ordinary time 
would be a derived concept we invent for 
psychological reasons. We invent ordinary 
time so that we can describe the universe 
as a succession of events in time, rather 
than as a static picture, like a surface map 
of the earth 


PLAYBOY: What effect does the cosmologi- 
val constant have? 

HAWKING: By observing the motion of dis- 
tant galaxies, we can determine that this 
constant is either zero or very small. This 
is very surprising, because quantum theo- 
ry would lead us to expect a value for the 
cosmological constant that is very much 
larger than what we observe. 

PLAYBOY; How much larger is “very much 
larger 
HAWKING: | mean at least a billion billion 
billion billion billion times larger. Until re- 
cently, there has been no explanation for 
the cosmological constant. But if one in- 
cludes [the late physicist] Richard Feyn- 
mans idea of a sum over histories 
containing wormholes, one finds that the 
apparent value of the cosmological con- 
stant is exactly zero. Mathematical models 
of the universe that use the concept of 
imaginary time can give an explanation of 
why the universe began in the way it did, 
and why the cosmological constant is zero. 
PLAYBOY: Quantum theory, however, is un- 
able to predict specific events. How accu- 
rate can these mathematical models be? 
HAWKING: In general, quantum mechanics 
does not predict a single definite result lor 
an observation. Instead, it predicts a num- 
ber of possible outcomes and tells us how 
likely each of them is, 

PLAYBOY: You've suggested, however. that a 
unified theory of the universe is possible 
with the inclusion of quantum theory. But 


how can quantum theory and relativity be 
combined? 
HAWKING: Qu 
the use of a new kind of number—com- 
plex numbers, A complex number can be 
regarded as a shorthand way of writing a 
pair of ordinary numbers. It can be repre- 
sented as a point on a plane. with the two 
numbers corresponding to the positions of 
the point in the horizontal and vertical di- 
rections. 

For example: The complex number that 
is a shorthand for the pair of numbers one 
and two would be represented by a point 
one unit to the right of the center and lwo 
units up. Or 1 + 2i. Here it is a so-called 
imaginary number; i is the square root of 
minus one. 

PLAYBOY: Ah. 

HAWKING: Look here: If one uses imagi- 
nary rather than real time, space time be- 
comes Euclidean. That is, time is just like 
another direction in space. You can multi- 
ply, divide, add and subtract complex 
numbers as you can ordinary numbers. 
PLAYBOY: And that allows for mathematical 
constructs in space time? 

HAWKING: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: And what, exactly, is the relation 
of imaginary time to real time? 

HAWKING: By using imaginary numbers, 
one adds up all the probabilities for all the 
histories of particles with certain proper 
ties—such as passing through certain 
points at certain times. One then has to 


ntum theory depends on 


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PLAYBOY 


extrapolate the result back to real space 
time, in which time is different depending 
on directions in space. This is not the most 
famil ar approach to quantum theory, but 
he same results as other methods. 
Doesn't that randomness make it 


nce? 


stein objected strongly 
randomness with the famous 5 
ment that God does not pla re with the 
universe! But all evidence points to the 
proposition that God is, indeed, an invet- 
erate gambler. [Smiles] He throws the dice 
to determine the outcome of every obser- 


vation. 
Thi ned by Feyn- 
man’s theory, which states that a particle 


does not have a single, well-defined path or 
history. Instead, it can be regarded as mov- 
ing through space time on all possible 
paths. Each path or history has a probabil 
ity that depends on its shape. For this 
idea to work, one has to consider histories 
that take place in imaginary time rather 
than the real time in which we live our 
lives. In the case of quantum gravity, Fey 
man's idea of a sum over histories would 
volve summing over different possible 
jories for the universe. That is, different 
Euclidean curved space times. 

So the answer to your question is that 
adding up the complex numbers associat- 
ed with cach path doesn't give a well- 
defined sum. But onc can get a 
well-defined answer if one supposes that 
the time label of an event is not ju 
dinary number, as we normally thi 
a complex number. 

PLAYBOY: Not an casy concept. What 
diate use is there in understanding ima; 
time and wormholes? 

HAWKING: Well, we were talking about 
whether anything ever could 
black hole. Imaginary time can 
means of escape for objects that fall into 
a black hole. The ordinary history ol an 
object in real time will come to an end, 
crushed out of existence, inside the black 
hole. But if one considers the history of the 
object in imaginary time, that history can- 
not come to an end, if the no-boundary 
proposal of the universe is correct 
PLAYBOY: Can you explain—briefly—the 
no-boundary concept? 
HAWKING: In 1983, Jim H 
posed that both time 
in extent but dont have any boundary or 
edge. They would be like the surface of 


hi: 


аги surface is finite in area, but it 
have any boundary. I like to say 
that in all my travels, 1 have never man- 
aged to fall off. [Smiles] 

Our proposal says that the state of the 
universe should be given by a sum over his- 
tories, where the histories were only closed 
Euclidean € size and without 
boundary or edge. This proposal can be 
paraphrased as, The boundary condition 
of the universe is that it has no boundary. It 
only if the universe is in this no- 


boundary state that the laws of science, on 
their own, determine how the universe 
should behave. If the universe is in any 
other state, the class of Euclidean curved 
spaces in the sum over histories will in- 
clude spaces with singularities. 

In order to determine the probabilities 
of such singular histories, one would have 
to invoke some principle other than the 
known laws of science. This principle 
would be something external to our uni 
verse; we could not deduce it from within 
the univ On the other hand, if the 
in the no-boundary state, we 
could, in principle, determine completely 
how the universe should behave, up to the 
ty principle. 
PLAYBOY: Ah, a familiar term. That would 
be Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle. Can 
you briefly explain th 
HAWKING: Werner Heisenberg, a German 
scientist, formulated his famous uncer- 
tainty principle in 1926. In order to pre- 
dict the future position and velocity of a 
particle, one has to be able to measure its 
present position and velocity ately 
The obvious way to do this is to shine a 


“The earths surface is 
finite in area, but it 
doesnt have any boundary. 
I like to say that in all 


my travels, I have never 


managed to fall off” 


light on the particle. Some of the waves of 
light will be scattered by the particle and 
dicate its position. However. one will not 
be able to determine the position of the 
particle more accurately than the distance 
between the wave crests of light, so one 
needs to use light of a short wave length 
order to measure the position of the par 
de precisely 

Now, by Plane 
cannot use an mount of 
light: one has to use at least one quantum 
{the indivisible unit in which waves may be 
emitted or absorbed]. This quantum will 


ntum pi 


nciple, one 


in a way that cannot be predicted. More- 
over, the more accurately one measures the 
position, the shorter the w length. of 
the light that one needs, hence the higher 
the energy of a single quantum. So the ve- 
locity of the particle will be disturbed by a 
larger amount. In other words, the 
ely you try to meas the pos 
of the particle, the less accurately you can 
measure its speed and vice versa. 

PLAYBOY: Getting back to the no-boundary 
state: If your proposal were proved, it 


would be of some importance to science, 
wouldn't it? 
HAWKING: It would be clearly nice for sci 
ence if the universe n the no- 
boundary state, but how can you tell 
whether it is? The answer is that the no- 
boundary proposal makes definite predic 
tions for how the universe should behave. 
1f the proposal were correct, there 
would be no singularities, and the laws of 
science would hold everywhere, including 
at the beginning of the universe. How the 
universe began would be determined by 
the laws of science. 1 would have succeeded 
bition to Know how the universe 
began. But I still wouldn't know why. 
PLAYBOY: But didn't you say there would be 
no singularities in the no-boundary state? 
And hasn't your work always stressed the 
need for singularities? 
HAWKING: It has been interesting to watch 
the change in the climate of opini 
singularities. When I w' 
dent, almost no one took them s 
Now, as a result of the singularity theo- 
rems, nearly everyone believes that the 
universe began with a singulari 
In the meantime, however I have 
changed my mind. I still believe that the 
universe had a beginning, but that it was 
not a singulari 
PLAYBOY: How 
conclusion? 
HAWKING: The general theory of relativity 
is what is called a classical theory. That is, it 
does not take into account the fact that 
particles do not have precisely defined po- 
sitions and velocities but are smeared out 
over a small region by the uncertainty 
principle of quantum mechanics. This 
does not matter in normal situations, be- 
cause the radius of curvature of space time 
is very large compared with the uncertai 
ty in the positia le. However, 
the singularity theorems indicate that 
space time will be highly distorted 
small radius of curvature at the beginning 
of the present exp: 
verse. In this situ 
be very important. Thus, general relati 
brings about its own downfall by predict- 
singularities. In order to discuss the 
beginning of the universe, we need a theo- 
ry that combines general relativity with 
п mechani 
+ The elusive unified theory, or the 
TOE. [theory of everything]? 
HAWKING: We do not yet know the exact 
form of the correct theory of quantum 
gravity The best candidate we have for the 
moment is the theory of superstrings, but 
there are still a number of unresolved 
difficulties. However, there are certain fea- 
tures that we expect to be present in any 
viable theor 
One is Einstein's idea that the eflects of 
gravity can be represented by a space ume 
is curved or distorted by the matter 
and energy in it. Objects try to follow the 
ng to ight line in this 
ace, However, because it is 


were 


did you arrive at that 


curved. 


Ours is more comfortable. 


PLAYBOY 


74 


curved, their paths appear to be bent, as if 
by a gravitational field. 
PLAYBOY: You've also included Feynman's 
sum over histories. 

HAWKING: Yes, we expect Richard Feyn- 
proposal that quantum theory can 
mulated as a sum over histories to be 
present in the ultimate theory. Remember, 
was the idea that a particle 
possible path or history in space t 
pending on its shape. The probabi 
ch spaces would not be determined by 
the theory. Instead, they would have to be 
assigned in some arbitrary way. 

PLAYBOY: “Some arbitrary way"—random- 
ness again? 

HAWKING: What this means is that science 
could not predict the probabilities of such 
singular histories for space time and, 
hence, could not predict how the universe 
should behave. However, it may well be 
that the universe is in the state defined by a 
sum over nonsingular Euclidean curved 
spaces only. In this case, the theory would 
determine the universe completely; one 
would not have to appeal to some agency 
external to the universe to determine how 
it began. 

In a way, the proposal that the state of 
the universe is determined by a sum over 
r histories only is like a drunk 
his key under the lamppost: It 
may not be where he lost it, but it is the only 
place with cnough light to find it. Similarly, 
the universe may not be in the state 
defined by a sum over nonsingular histo- 
rics, but it is the only stat 
could predict how the universe should be 
PLAYBOY: We hate to suggest this, but what 
if the no-boundary proposal is wrong? 
HAWKING: [Smiles] If the observations do 
not agree with predictions, we will know 
that there must be singularities in the class 
of possible histories. However, that is all we 
will know. We will not be able to calculate 
the possibilities of singular histories. Thus, 
we will not be able to predict how the un 
verse should behave. 

One might think that this unpredictabil- 
ity wouldn't matter too much if it occurred 
only at the Big Bang. After all, if a week is 
a long time in politics, ten thousand mi 
lion years is pretty close to eternity: But if 
predictability broke down in the ver 
ong gravitational fields of the Big Bang, 
could also break down whenever a sta 
collapsed. This could happen several times 
a week in our galaxy alone! Thus, our pow- 
er of prediction would be poor, even by the 
standards of weather forec: 
PLAYBOY: And? 

HAWKING: So what does the no-boundar 
proposal predict for the universe? The 
first point to make is that because all the 
possible histories for the universe are finite 
in extent, any quantity that one uses as a 
measure of time will have a greatest and a 
least value. So the universe have a be- 
ginning and an end. However, the begin- 
ning will not be a singularity. Instead, it 
will be a bit like the North Pole of the 
earth. 1f one took degrees of latitude on 


which science 


the surface of the earth to be the analogue 
of time, one could say that the surface of 
the earth began at the North Pole. Yet the 
orth Pole is a perfectly ordinary point on 
the earth. There's nothing special about i 
and the same laws hold at the North Pole as 
at other places on the earth. Similarly, the 
event that we might choose to label as “the 
beginning of the universe” would be an oi 
dinary point of space time, much like any 
other, and the Laws of science would hold at 
the beginning, as elsewhere! 

PLAYBOY: As much—or as little—as we can 
understand of you kes 
us that most of 
obscure mathematical concepts, far re- 
moved y observable life. 
HAWKING: Imaginary time may sound like 
science fiction, but it is а well-defined 
«hematical concept. 

PLAYBOY: Ye thematicians and physi- 
cists, but to most of us, it's beyond immedi- 
ate understanding, 

HAWKING: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Then what can the general public 
gain from trying to understand these cor 
ould say we had more 
s to deal with. 

is why I have spent some of 


cepts? Most of us w 
immediate proble 


HAWKING: T! 


“Understanding cosmology 
will not help feed 
anyone. It wont even 
wash clothes any brighter. 
But man or woman does not 
live by bread alone.” 


my time attempting to explain what we do. 
I think knowledge of the general ideas of 
the recent discoveries in cosmology are 
useful to the public. 

‘True, understanding cosmology will net 
help feed anyone. It wont even wash 
clothes any brighter. But man or woman 
does not live by bread alone. We all feel the 
need to come to terms with the universe in 
which we find ourselves, and to under- 
stand how we got here. 

PLAYBOY: And that's why you wrote A Brief 
History of Time? 

HAWKING: There are several reasons why [ 
wrote the book. One was to pay my daugh- 
ter's school fees. I didn't succeed in that 
because by the time the book came out, she 
was in her last year of high school. But [ 
still have to pay for her college. 


PLAYBOY: That's an excellent m. Are 
there others? 
HAWKING: The main reason was that I had 


written several popu articles 
a number of popular lectu 
been well received, and I had enjoyed do- 
ing them, but I med to try something 
bigger. I felt that we had made tremendous 


progress in the past twenty-five years in 
understanding the universe, and I wanted 
to share this with the general public. 1 
think it is important that the public take 
some interest in science and have some 
general understanding of it 

Science has changed our lives a great 
al and will change them even more in 
the future. If we are to decide 
cratic way what direction society should 
it is necessary that the public has 
some understanding of science. 
PLAYBOY: Then you're doing something po- 
litical—knowledge as the great leveler, not 
confined to a few who understand the lan- 
guage. 
HAWKING: Yes. Knowledge and under- 
standing of how the universe works, and of 
how it began, had become the preserve of 
a few specialists. But we all share the hu- 
man condition, and we all want to know 
where we came from. My book is an at- 
tempt to share with the general public the 
knowledge that the specialists have found. 
Knowledge is not knowledge unless you 
share it with someone. Normally, special- 
is communicate only with other spe- 
cialists; I feel they should communicate 
with the general public, as well. 
PLAYBOY: You say that you may succeed in 
knowing how the universe began, but you 
will not know why. You do not—as Einstein 
did not—dismiss the notion of a Supreme 
Creator. 
HAWKING: I think I'm careful in my book. I 
leave open the question of whether God 
exists and what His nature would be. One 
can never prove that God doesnt exist. 
What I did was show that it was not neces- 
sary to appeal to God to decide how the 
universe began, because that is deter- 
mined by the laws of science. However, one 
could say that the laws of science. were 
God's choice for how the universe behaves. 
PLAYBOY: Apart from now being able to pay 
your daughter's college fees, has the book 
made any difference in your life? 
HAWKING: It has not made that much dif- 
ference. Even before the book, a certain 
number of people, mainly Americans 
[smiles], would come up to me in the street, 
but it has made that sort of. encounter 
more frequent. And other things like in- 
terviews and public lectures have taken up. 
the limited time 1 have to do rescarch. 
However, Im now cutting down on such 
things and getting back to research. 
PLAYBOY: We assume that every scientist 
hopes for recognition for his efforts. You 
have received a number of honors but not 
yet the Nobel Prize. Do you think you may 
someday receive the Nobel? 
HAWKING: Most of my work has been gen- 
erally accepted. I have received a lot of 
recognition recently. But 1 dont know if I 
will ever get the Nobel Prize, because that 
is given only for theorctical work that has 
been confirmed by observation. It is ver: 
very difficult to observe the things I have 
worked on. [Smiles] 


Ei 


demo- 


©1990 Grolsch Importers, Inc 


\ 


ASTRENDY As IT Was 375 YEARS AGO. 


Groenlo, Holland, i 
recipe бойкат] а 


lo would say its about time. Th 


scientists now believe what you may have sus- 
pected all along: men lust differentiy from women 


MALES TEND TO seek more than one mate. “Monogamy is rare 
in mammals, almost unheard of in primates,” according to 
zoologist David Barash, “and it appears to be a relatively re- 
cent invention of certain human cultures. . . . Prior to West- 
ern colonialism and Judaeo-Christian social imperialism, 
the vast majority of human societies were polygynous. 

While many women seem to think that polygamy works to 
the advantage of males, in truth it works to the advantage of 
females in many ways. For itis the woman who is the posses- 
sor of the evolutionary teasure— potential reproduction— 
and she is the one who parcels out the treasure, and only to 
those whom she finds satisfactory. As Harvard authropolo- 
gist Irven DeVore insists, "Males are a vast breeding expert 
ment run by females.” 

As possessor of the treasure, the female can require males 
to do whatever she wants. Among the things she requires is 
that the males compete with one another. Evolutionarily 
speaking, she is scparating the strong genes from the weak. 
And so, when she has found the male she feels is an accept- 
able father for her offspring, she will join with him. That the 
male may have other wives does not diminish his genetic 
fitness. And once she is pregnant, it does not matter how he 
expends his sperm. Sperm is cheap, but her egg is dear. 

. 

Everywhere and at all times, sex has been seen as a service 
or a favor thal women choose to provide or offer to men. 
There are no cultures in which the opposite is the cultural 
norm. It is the males who hire prostitutes and engage them 
purely for the purposes of having sex, while the use of male 
prostitutes is extremely rare and usually involves not simply 
a woman purchasing sex but also companionship and a 
stable relationship. It is men who court women, give them 


article By MICHAEL HUTCHISON 


ON THE BRAIN . 


ILLUSTRATION BY CARTER GOOORICH 


PLAYBOY 


gifts, take them to dinner (just as primi- 
tive hominid hunters millions of years 
ago shared their meat with the female), 
woo them and ask indirectly or directly 
for sex. It is women who resist, are coy, 
reserved, cautious, “modest.” calculating 
(to ascertain the man's potential value as 
a loyal and protective mate) and who 
choose indirectly or directly to have sex 

This is true throughout the world. 
Margaret Mead described this sex difler- 
ence in Polynesia: “It is the girl who de- 
cides whether she will or will not meet 
her lover under the palm trees, or receive 
him... in her bed in the young people's 
house. He may woo and plead . . . [but] if 
she does not choose . . . she does not lifi 
the corner of her mat, she does not wait 
under the palm trees." 

As Donald Symons, professor of an- 
thropology at the University of Califor- 
nia, Santa Barbara, asserts, “Women 
control what males have always needed— 
the ability to carry and reproduce thei 
genes for them. And so a man tends to 
pursue sex aggressively—it's a trivial ез 
penditure of energy with a potentially 
big payoff. For a woman, though, sex is 
something else. Women, after all, have al- 
ways had one of their few, expensive cggs 
and their bodies on the line. And so sex 
for a woman remains a valuable service, a 
service that has to be carefully traded.” 

These differences in sexual strategies 
hetween males and females spring not 
from sex-role training but from traits 
and behavior patterns that over millions 
of years of hunter-gatherer culture 
proved to have survival value, were fa 
vored by natural selection and, as a 
result, became hard-wired into the ex- 
panding human brain 

. 

Today, survival of the fittest no longer 
requires hunting or gathering traits. 
However, our culture has been moving 
away from the hunter-gatherer phase for 
only some 10,000 years and, as anthro- 
pologists agree, physical evolution is ex- 
tremely slow, and there is no evidence oi 
reason to believe that contemporary hu- 
man bodies or brains differ from those of 
10,000 years ago. In 
indicates that humans anatomically iden- 
tical to modern humans were hunting 
the fields of the Middle East more than 
90,000 years ago. 

So despite the fact that we live in a cul- 
ture with little resemblance to the 
hunter-gatherer culture in which we 
evolved, there's no doubt that we are ge- 
netically adapted to that environment. 

. 

Calvin Coolidge is not one of our na- 
tion's most celebrated Presidents, but Si- 
lent Cal secured himself a place in the 
indexes of evolutionary biologists and 
students of sexual behavior when he and 
his wife were being conducted on sepa- 


rate tours of a Government farm. Mrs. 
Coolidge stopped to observe the chicken 
соор» and asked her guide how often the 
rooster there would perform his sexual 
duties each day “Oh, dozens of times.” 
said her guide. Mrs. Coolidge raised hi 
eyebrows, clearly impressed. “Please tell 
that to the President,” she requested. 
When the President later came to the 
coops and observed the roosters per- 
formance, he was informed of his y 
request 
“Same hen every time?” asked the tac- 
iturn President. 
“Oh, no, sir," s; 
entone each time 
The President nodded and 
"Ph tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.” 
It is another of our apparently univ 
sal facts that men are far more likely than 
women to desi 'ariely of sex partners. 
When a male mammal is introduced into 
a cage with a sexually receptive female, 
he will copulate with verve. After a peri 
od of time, however, he will begin to lose 
interest, even though the female is as sex- 
ually receptive as ever. Finally, he will 
reach a point where he has no inc n 
to copulate at all. However, if the female 
is removed and replaced by a new female, 
the male will immediately begi 
ing with renewed enthusi 
nomenon dubbed the Coolidge F fleet 
Rams, for example, will lose interest in 
ewes afier four or five copul 
when a new ewe is introduced, the ram 
will be restored to its former vigor. Thi 
vill happen every time another ewe 
substituted, and the ram's rate of ejacula- 
ion will be the same with the /2 ewe as 
it was with the first. A similar sexual dy- 
namic exists between bulls and cows. Re. 
searchers have tried to fool the rams and 
bulls by disguising females with w 
they have mated, covering their hea 
nd bodies with canvas sacks or n 
their vaginal odors with other smells 
reintroducing them, but the mal 
not fooled. As psychologist Glenn Wilson 
as observed, “These male 
where they have been and de 
ing over the same ground a; 
The increased intelligence of huma 
beings has made it more likely that m 
will maintain. interest each other. 
There's no doubt that an intelligent, sex- 
ally creative woman can keep а man 
tention, devotion and love for a lifetime. 
Nevertheless, to a lesser degrec, the 
Coolidge Effect applies among humans. 
Surveys show that far more males than 
females commi 
this gap is closing, but the evidence 
that increasing female infidelities are the 
result of a general loosening of sexual 
standards, rather than of a change in 
female attitudes. When surveys look at 
beliefs rather than behavior, the sex dif- 
ferences remain wide: Surveys that ask 


id the guide, “a diffe 


said, 


adultery. In recent years, 


whether people would like to engage in 


. 

Which brings us to our next universal 
and biologically influenced diffe 
between the sexes; perhaps it is the basis 
of the differences mentioned above. Dr. 
Helen Singer Kaplan, of New York City 
Cornell Medical Center, speaking from a 
lifetime of research and clinical experi- 
ence in human sexuality, asserts, "l think 
all the diflerences between male and fe- 
male sexuality are due to the strength of. 
the male sex drive, which seems much 


nee 


higher than the female's. All other diller- 
ences follow from that. 
“The male sex drive 


so compelling. 
that it's less subject to inhibition by learn- 
ing than the females, which is more 
variable, flexible and influenced by expe- 
rience. A woman can be aroused and 
have more orgasms than a man, but she 
isnt driven to sexuality the way a man iı 
The sex drive is much more 
difficult to suppress. For example, if you 
tell a little girl not to masturbate, she's 
likely to listen to you, but a boy will con 
с, in part be 
urge is mu ronger. I'm not saying 
there arent crucial cultural factors 
present in sexuality, of course, but 1 be- 
lieve the biological factors in oi 
behavior have been neglected. 

How do we measure the intensity of 
something called a sex dri 
tried everything from penis meters 
that gauge the intensity of erections to 
tiny transmitters placed in the vagina to 
end messages about the quantity of se- 
cretions, to sampling the amount of 
adrenaline in the blood stream of per 
sons watching pornography. But who's to 
say that X amount of vaginal secretions 
indicates a higher sex drive than Y de- 
gree of penile erection? 

Certainly, it has bi males who have 
throughout history been the overwhelm- 
ing consumers of pornography It is 
mostly males who use prostitutes and 
give gifts in exchange for sex, There's no 
doubt that a greater percentage of males 
than females masturbate, and do so earli- 
er and far more frequently than females. 
As we have seen, males are more likely 
to desire more than one mate and to 
seek variety and novelty in sex partners. 
Surveys of the frequency with which 
les and females engage in sex indi- 
e sex more 


male 


use his 


frequently 

But such facts and behaviors аге im- 
precise and inconclusive. That is why 
more and more scientists are secking to 
understand human nature not by ref- 
erence lo behavior but in the actual 
(continued on page 88) 


“Here we have people who wore clothes of the wrong style, 
wrong color, wrong fit—in spite of Ihe enormous 
advertising budgets of Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein.” 


WARMING 


үн 


hot new tailored looks for 
spring and summer 


Part One 


fashion 
By HOLLIS WAYNE 


ur NINETIES man is kicking 
back and taking names. His look: 
elegance and case. His wardrobe: 
tailored clothing and upscale 
accessories button double- 


breasted suits and three-button 


single-breasted blazers and sports 


jackets in comfortable earth and 
spice tones are cutting broad- 
shouldered silhouettes this spring 


You (text concluded on page 86) 


Left: Wool pinstripe double-breasted 
suit with six-button, one-to-button 
front, peaked lopek, ventless back, 
$850, cotton dress shirt, $160, ond 
silk Jacquard-ground tie with floral 
overprint, $65, all by Hugo Boss. 
Right: Wool double-breosted suit 
with notched lopels, six-button, one- 
to-button front and double-reverse- 
pleoted pants, by Luciano Soproni, 
$1150; plus a cotton Jocquard-striped 
dress shirt feoturing a straight- 
point collar with high button stonce, 
$135, ond woven-silk abstroct- 
design tie, about $60, both by Lazo. 


PHOTOGRAPHY By BETH BISCHOFF 


М 


AR ath 
ESA 
D^ 


JAMES INBROGNO 


Left, clockwise from 12: Vintoge nine- 
kt.-gold-cose Rolex Oyster wotch with 
leather band, from Time Will Tell, 
about $4100, otop textured-leother 
agenda, by De Vecchi, $160. Esquire 
gold-tone-cose woteh with lunar foce, 
by Movado, $350. Antique Leboeuf 
fountoin pen with gold-filled clip, from 
Chiuzne Gallery, $575. Royol type- 
writer-key cuff links with sterling-silver 
bock, from LS Collection, $95. Stoin- 
less-stee!-and-I8-kt-gold watch with 
shorkskin bond, by Ebel, $1500. Alli- 
gotor ogendo, by De Vecchi, $578. 
Antique Porker fountain pen, from 
Chiuzoc Gollery, $225. Sterling-silver- 
and-steel engraved wotch, by Bulgori, 
$1000. Right: Wool-and-mohoir dou- 
ble-breasted three-piece suit, $1010, 
worn with dress shirt, $85, and silk 
paisley tie, $52.50, all from Polo 
by Rolph touren. Pocket square, by 
Ferrell Reed, $20. Gold pocket 
watch, $2400, ond gold chain, 
$375, both from Chiuzoc Gallery. 


Left: Wool double-breosted suit with 
subtle overploid, peoked lopels, six- 
button, two-to-button front, welt 
breost pocket, besom front pockets, 
ventless back ond double-pleoted 
pants extended button/tob woist- 
band, $600, worn with cotton dress 
shirt with stroight collor ond patch 
breost pocket, $45, and silk-crepe 
tropicol-print tie, $5750, oll by Bill 
Robinson; plus silk woven-design pock- 
et squore, by Ferrell Reed, $25. Right, 
clockwise from 11: Mustord-suede 
wing-tip loce-up with allover perforot- 
ed detailing ond o micro sole, by 
Giorgio Armoni, $380. Spectotor 
wing-tip loce-up with leother toe and 
heel ond convos inset on vomp, by 
Chorles Jourdon Monsieur, $260. 
Leather spectotor wing-tip loce-up 
with perforated toe ond woven vomp, 
by Cole-Hoon, $295. Colfskin/nobuck 
spectotor wing-tip loce-up with per- 
foroted ond pinked detoiling, from 
Aldo Brué, by Noncy Knox, $250. 


may even see some soft-shoul- 
dered styles—a foreshadowing of 
fashions to come next fall. Suede 
continues to be popular, and the 
wrist watch in antique stylings 
or the latest techie look has be- 
come the hottest fashion accessory. 
Top off a well-tailored wardrobe 
with a two-colored wing-tip shoe 
in mixed imatetials (canvas and 


leather, for example) and we'd call 


that starting out spring and sum- 


mer on the right fashion foot 


Left: Wool/linen three-button sports 
coot with notched lopels and vent- 
less back, $610, and striped dress 
shirt, $240, both by Shomosk; plus 
wool/viscose quadruple-pleated 
trousers, by Verri, $220; silk tie, by 
Alcione from Giocomo, obout $60; 
ond tie bar, by Anne Klein Men, 
$85. Right: Silk houndstooth-pat- 
terned sports coat, $550, опа 
cotton double-pleated trousers, 
$110, both by Freedberg of Boston; 
cotton dress shirt with antique striping, 
by Joseph Abboud, $125; and silk 
tie, by Freedberg of Boston, $45. 


Where ond How to Buy on page 163. 


PLAYBOY 


88 


SEX ON THE BRAIN... 


“Scientists have discovered a link between soc 
dominance and potency, between power and sex.” 


ial 


> 


structure and electrochemistry of the 
brain 


THE BRAIN-MIND REVOLUTION 


A "brain revolution" has been taking 
place in the past decade or so. Due to ad- 
vances in microchip technology and oth- 
er technological tools, brain scientists 
have at last been able to see what is going 
on in those billions of tiny brain cells that 
are linked together in a network of un- 
surpassed and almost infinite complexity 
Neuro; 
Chi 
the new capabilities: “A neuroscientist 
used to be like a man in a Goodyear 
blimp floating over a bowl game: He 
could hear the crowd roar, and that was 
about it. But now were down in the 
stands. [Us not too long before we'll be 
able to tell why one man gets a hot dog 
and one man gets a beer.” 

Of all the new findings of the late Sev- 
enties and the Eighties, one thing could 
not escape the neuroscientists’ attention: 
the nouceable differences between the 
brains of men and the brains of women. 

What goes on in the brain and in the 
mind depends on the levels of neuro- 
transmitters, neuropeptides and hor- 
mones. And the brains of men and those 
of women differ in the quantities of cer- 
tain neurochemicals they secrete, as well 
as in the way they respond to doses of 
those neurochemicals. A neurotransmit- 
ter such as dopamine has a sexually stim- 
ulating effect on men but not on women, 
while serotonin seems to be sexually ex- 
citing for women only. 

Males and females, now becoming. 
clear, differ not only in the way the brain 
hemispheres are organized but also in 
their very structure and physiology. The 
ht hemisphere of males, for example, 
is noticeably larger and heavier than the 


isphere, while that of females 
appears to be spread more diffusely 
across both hemispheres. And scientists 
have been finding a variety of other 
anatomical differences in the brains of 
the sexes as well. 


А 

Since brain anatomy influences bet 
ior, physiologists of behavior are now 
finding that many of the long-noted b 
havioral differences between the sexes 
have their roots in anatomical and ne 
rochemical brain differences. For cxar 
ple, scientists have recently begun 
investigating the mysteries of power and 


the way it flows through and alters soci- 
eties, and are discovering that power, 
and the social manipulations that are 
used to secure and maintain it—that is, 
politics—are a function of biochemistry. 

In fact, there is such a flood of new evi- 
dence into this fusion of neurochemistry 
and power that an entire new field of r 
search has begun to take shape, a field 
the scientists call biopolitics. Among the 
extraordinary findings in this field are 
those demonstrating that male power 
and dominance are linked to high levels 
of the neurochemical serotonin. In stud- 
ies of primates ranging from monkeys to 
baboons to chimps to humans, a variety 
of researchers have consistently found 
that dominant males have high levels of 
serotoi that when a dominant male is 
removed from his position of dominance, 
his levels of serotonin plummet and his 
former unshakeable self-assurance turns 
into insecurity and anxiety; that when 
nondominant males are given chemicals 
10 boost their serotonin levels, they be- 
gin to behave like dominant males— 
confident, self-assured, assertive, even 
aggressive. 

‘This connection between brain chem- 
istry and power seems inseparable from 
sexual chemistry: Scientists have di: 
ered that there is a direct link between 
social dominance and sexual potency, be- 
tween power and sex. Interestingly, this 
link works in both directions, in what is 
known as a “bidirectional feedback loop” 
between sex and power, Sexual access to 
females, research is revealing, is in many 
ways dependent on a certain amount of 
dominance (and its associated qualities 
of confidence and assertiveness), which 
means high levels of serotonin (among 
other things). But it has also been found 
that sexual activity and potency itself will 
raise the level of serotonin in formerly 
submissive or passive males, and when 
dominant males are removed from access 
10 sexual activity, or denied sexual acti 
y, their levels of serotonin (and their 
dominance) decline sharply. Thus, in 
ways that are still to be fully understood, 
sex and power are interdependent. 


THE T FACTOR 


‘Testosterone is an anabolic steroid— 
that is, it promotes the synthesis of 
proteins from food and promotes the 
growth and regeneration of tissue ( 
like the female hormone estrogen, a 
catabolic steroid, which promotes the 
breakdown of proteins and leads to the 
increased storage of fat on the body). 


Since males have far greater quantities of 
testosterone than females, males are gen- 
erally larger than women, Their bodies 
are also different in their make-up: on 
the average, the bodies of males 
about 40 percent muscle and 15 percent 
fat, while the bodies of fernales are about 
23 percent muscle and 25 percent fat. 
Men have wider shoulders and longer 
arms, they deliver oxygen to their mus- 
des more efficiently and, pound for 
pound, their upper body is two 10 three 
times more powerful than a woman's. 

Testosterone is most highly concentrat- 
ed in the hypothalamus, and scientists 
have recently discovered that the injec- 
tion of testosterone has an excitatory 
influence on the hypothalamus and the 
limbic system, which is to say on that part 
of the brain regulating emotions, sex and 
aggression. Biological anthropologist 
and medical doctor Melvin Konner 
points out, “It is one thing to say that the 
hormone probably influences sex and ag- 
gression by acting on the brain; it is quite 
another to find a major nerve bundle 
deep in the brain, likely to be involved in 
sex and aggression, that can fire more 
easily when testosterone acts on it than 
when it does not. A key link in the story 
has been formed.” 

Perhaps the most intriguing fact about 
testosterone is that scientific evidence in- 
dicates that it is necessary for male sexual 
arousal and desire. Testosterone, recent 
studies have shown, is a genuine aphro- 
disiac. Physiologist Julian Davidson and 
colleagues at Stanford University per- 
formed a study of men suffering from ex- 
tremely low levels of sexual desire as the 
result of underactive gonads. They 
found that doses of testosterone dramati- 
cally increased their frequency of sexual 
fantasies and restored their sexual de- 
sire. Said Davidson, “It's very clear that 
testosterone is the biological substrate of 
desire, at least in men.” 

Testosterone is so essential to male sex- 
ual desire that one method now being 
used to treat male sexual offenders is to 
require them to take drugs (such as De- 
po-Provera) that sharply reduce their 
levels of testosterone. According to medi- 
cal psychologist John Money of Johns 
Hopkins, the reduction in testosterone 
“suppresses or lessens the frequency of 
erection and ejaculation and lessens the 
feeling of libido and the mental imagery 
of sexual arousal.” 

There is evidence that when males are 
anticipating sexual activity; their levels of 
testosterone increase. Another study in- 
dicates that testosterone levels in males 
increase both before and after se: 

But even though it is a 
mone, testosterone also plays an impor- 
tant role in female sexual desire. 
Although females produce testosterone 
in smaller quantities than do males, that 

(continued on page 152) 


“Performance? This baby can do zero to sixty in seven seconds.” 


PLAYBOY PR 


JAMES SPADER 


MA 


ITS NEAR DUSK and James Spader is reluc- 
tantly showing me his key ring. The sky 
above Los Angeles has turned a photo- 
chemical pink, and the greenery that sur- 
rounds us here on this hiking trail high 
in the Hollywood hills isn't really green- 
ery at all; after a long, dry summer, it's 
more like brownery. Still, by L.A. stand- 
ards, this is a pastoral scene, a rustic 
refuge only minutes from the real city. 

I've asked to see the key ring because 
of a memorable scene in sex, lies, and 
videotape. In that movie, Spader plays the 
role of Graham, the unsettled and unset- 
tling force behind the story, who brags 
that he has only one key—to his car. 
“The сагъ important,” he says. “You got 
to be mobile.” 

There's a tinge of exasperation as 
Spader brings out his keys. Of course, 
there was a tinge of exasperation when I 
asked to watch him work, visit his home 
or find some way of seeing him in action. 
“I don't invite journalists to go grocery 
shopping with me," he says. "My personal 
life is not for public consumption." 
Spader won't even meet me for lunch ata 
restaurant, meals, it seems, are meant for 
pleasure, and interviews are business. If I 
want to spend time with James Spader, 
my only option is to join him on one of his 
occasional hikes at dusk through the Hol- 
lywood hills. There's a catch, of course. I 
must promise not to reveal the location of 
the trail, kecping it private for the 30- 
year-old actor and his friends. 

Later I would talk to people who 
would tell me stories about a completely 
different Spader—one who talks open! 
perhaps even excessively. Among his 
close-knit group of friends, he is known 
as an eccentric raconteur, a habitué of 


D) [а 3 A 


why did the star of sex, 
lies, and videotape stalk 
through a motel court- 
yard in his underwear, 
shooting a crossbow? 

his friends try to explain 


By JERRY LAZAR 


strip joints, a collector of offbeat weap- 
ons and a fan of loud music. They love 
Spader, the outrageous character, and 
they'll gladly talk about him. But not 
Spader. He grants interviews guardedly 
and avoids late-night talk shows. Even 
high in the Hollywood hills—on his own 
terms—hes more than amiable but less 
than loquacious. 

He does show me his key ring, howev- 
er: a tiny suitcase key, keys for his Porsche 
and his new Volvo station wagon, a 
garage key a gate key, three house keys 
and a miniature black Swiss Army knife, 
all dangling from a simple round key 
ring. “See,” he says, “nothing special.” 

With some prodding, he also admits 
that he recently bought a video camera of 
his own, a slight irony, perhaps, given the 
role video cameras play in both sex, lies, 
and videotape (Graham uses the camera 
for sexual release) and Bad Influence (in 
which his character finds his life changed 
when an acquaintance—played by Rob 
Lowe, no less—secretly tapes him having 
sex). Of course, Spader bought his cam- 
era for a more prosaic reason: to chroni- 
de the early life and times of his infant 
son, Sebastian. 

“Sebastian doesn't move very much 
yet, so the camera is collecting dust,” 
Spader says dismissively “Besides, I dont 
even know how to use it. I'm not very 
good with mechanical things." No, the 
salesman hadn't recognized him. "I must 


ILLUSTRATION BY GREG SPALENKA 


s Y 


say it's very amusing lo me to see you try- 
ing to tie this together. None of this 
crossed my mind when I went to buy the 
camera. When I finish doing a film, it's 
behind me." 

We continue our hike, me with my tape 
recorder and questions, Spader with his 
minimalist answers. The shaggy locks he 
wore as Graham are gone in favor of a 
haircut more appropriate to the clean- 
cut financial analvst he has just played in 
Bad Influence. It's the style he has worn in 
most of his pictures, whether he has 
played a preppie twit or a sinister creep 
in such movies as Pretty in Pink, Man- 
nequin, Less than Zero and Wall Street. 

As we trudge up a steep incline, 
Spader ruminates on his new-found suc- 
cess. For the first time, he says, he is able 
to make career decisions based not only 
on his interest in portraying a character 
but also on whether or not the film itself 
stands a chance of being any good. “Half 
the movies I did, 1 dont know if Га see 
them if I wasn't in them,” he admits. He 
rather liked his work as the insufferable 
Mr. Richards in Mannequin, for example, 
but adds, "Its like some medieval torture 
sitting through the film.” 

Spader even had doubts about sex, lies, 
and videotape—the low-budget feature 
writen and directed by first-timer 
Steven Soderbergh—but he loved the 
idea of playing Graham. Before going on 
location in Baton Rouge, he gleefully told 
friends he was off to play an impotent 
guy who masturbates watching tapes. 

“The thing I was most surprised by 
was the entertainment factor of the film,” 
he says. “I knew while we were making it 
that we were presenting the material ina 
fairly honest (continued on page 98) 


BRAVA, ALLEGRA! 


you already know jamie lee. now meet tony curtis’ other actress daughter 


ALLEGRA CURTIS, al 23, has one burning desire: to follow her parents into show business. Daughter of Tony 
Curtis and his second wife, actress Christine Kaufmann, Allegra appears in Killing Blue. with Michael York 
and Morgan Fairchild. In the film, shot in Berlin by director Peter Patzak, Allegra plays Monika Carstens, 
a strong-willed, street-wise naif. She sees herself in that description, too. Allegra doesn’t expect her famous 
bloodline to play a major part in her career, but she has absorbed some lessons from her parents’ 
periences. “They didn't allow themselves to be chewed up. Both of them learned from hard times,” she 
says. Another movie is in the works, a remake of The Swimming Pool, an erotic drama that starred 
Alain Delon and the late Romy Schneider. We'd say Allegra was due to be getting plenty of attention. 


Allegra as a baby (top) with her parents, Tory Curtis and Christine Koufmann. In o scene from Killing Blue (above left), 
distributed in the U.S. as Midnight Cop, Allegra confronts Michael York. Above right, Allegra shows ne signs of the tug 
of wor between her porents over her upbringing. All is forgiven now, but during those yeors, shunted between Colifornia 
ond Germony, she hod trouble with both English and Germon. In every longuoge, say we, Allegros o knockout. эз 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOCHEN HARDER 


About her career, Allegra 
says, “At the beginning, you 
spend half your time waiting 
on the outside for the richt 
opportunity to come along.” 
She hopes to model her 
coreer on those of such stors 
os her parents, Morilyn 
Monroe, Lono Turner and 
other glomour girls of the 
Forties ond Fifties. These 
five poses look to us as if 
Allegra well on her моу. 


PLAYBOY 


JAMES SPADER „һе 


“She bends down and looks back through her legs: 


Hey, arent you the guy in “Pretty in Pink 


999999 


and intelligent fashion. 1 felt the per- 
formances were fine. And I felt that the 
personality of the film was provocative 
and curious. But the film's humor was 
very hard to gauge while we were doing 
it. If it didn't work, I thought the film 
would be extremely self-indulgent and a 
huge bore. I think the humor does work 
and that’s why people have responded 
to it." 

The movie was more than a hit; it won 
the Golden Palm at Cannes and Spader 
was named best actor. However, he wasn't 
there to receive the award. He had ai 
rived in Cannes, gotten bored and left 

His longtime friend Gerald Harring: 
ton, a Hollywood agent, says that thats 
typical Spader behavior. "One night, 1 
went with Jimmy to the opening of his 
movie Tuff Turf." he recalls. “We walked 
in and there were posters of him all over 
the wall. That made him uncomfortable. 
And he had to have his picture taken 
with some celebrities he didn't know, and 
that made him feel even more uncom- 
fortable. So we left. He was out the door.” 

. 

Gerald Harrington knows all about 
James Spader, the sensitive artist. But 
Harrington knows the other James 
Spader as well, the young rowdy who reg- 
ularly led a gang of friends to the Sev- 
enth Veil, a Hollywood strip joint 
frequented by sailors, psychos and stag- 
party celebrants. “Once, this stripper is 
up on our table, inches away from Jim- 
my" says Harrington, “and she's got her 
back to him and legs wide apart. She 
bends down and looks back at him 
through her legs and i» “Hey, aren't 
you the guy in Pretty in Pink?” 

Actor Eric Stoltz is also part of Spader's 
group of friends. “Jimmy used to play the 
role of older brother to a lot of us,” he 
says. “One time, he took me and another 
friend to dinner and decided to teach us 
the finer points of making love to a wom- 
an, using elaborate hand and mouth ges- 
tures. Halfway through his symposium, 
we looked around and realized half the 
restaurant was watching us—watching 
Jimmy making moves with his tongue. lt 
was one of those mortifying moments 
when time just stops." 

Stoltz has worked with Spader as well. 
During the filming of The New Kids 
Florida, he was awe-struck by him. “Jim- 
my was at his wildest. We'd take road 
trips to the Keysor up the coast, and he'd 
insist on having weapons in the trunk. 
He'd drive like a maniac—fast, with the 
music blaring—and I was always living in 


fear that we'd be pulled over and some 
officer would find his crossbow, his lance, 
his twelve-inch knife, his whip. . .. 

“At the motel,” Stoltz continues, “our 
rooms were across the courtyard from 
each other, and he drew a huge target on 
my window with soap. I woke up in the 
middle of the night to these pinging 
sounds. Jimmy had bought a new BB gun 
and he was making indentations in the 
glass. Its a little frightening when one of 
your best friends does that. 

“One morning, Jimmy was running 
around with a crossbow, trying to get the 
arrows to stick to a palm tree in the motel 
courtyard. He was wearing a fringed 
leather jacket and underwear, with a 
cigarette and shades. The leading actress 
had brought her mother with her, and 
when the mother walked out of her room 
to get the morning paper, she saw Jimmy 
and almost had a heart attack. 

“Jimmy's a very peaceful man,” says 
Stoltz. “He's the sweetest, nicest man in 
the world. He's just a tad eccentric." 

E 

Spader is famous among his friends for 
his succession of short lived passions. 
When the actor toyed with the idea of 
writing scripts, says another friend, Less 
than Zero screenwriter Harley Peyton, “1 
went with him when he bought his type- 
writer. It was in the closet a week later.” 

Adds Harrington, “Jimmy will decide 
he wants to buy a saxophone—Gerald, I 
bought every Charlie Parker album the 
other day, and I just realized I had to play 
o he'll go buy the best 
<ophone and be completely passionate 

bout it for two weeks. Then there's the 
piano that he and Vickey, his wife, were 
going to learn. Then riding English was 
huge for about a month. Then there was 
the bicycle phase. .. 7 

Then there was Louie, the bluetick 
coonhound. “You could never get Jimmy 
and Vickey out of the house,” remembers 
Peyton, “because if they left Louie be- 
hind, he would bay and go crazy and tear 
up the house. He was so neurotic and so 
insane. And they tried dog ners and 
everything. They could leave the house 
only if Louie had a human baby sitter. 
They were so devoted to that dog. But he 
got bigger and bigger and nuttier and 
nuttier. They finally realized they 
couldn't keep him." 

Spader is so distraught about Louie he 
can barely bring himself to talk about 
him. “He's leading a very good life on a 
farm up in Lake Arrowhead,” he says. 
“We're just sorry hes not living with us 


E 


anymore. He was not a dog that was go- 
ing to be happy with us on the road, and 
leaving him behind became a real prob- 
lem in that no one would take care of him 
more than once—except for one friend, 
and only if 1 thanked him publicly on the 
Today show Which I did. 

“We have pictures of Louie all over the 
house, like he's gone away to camp or 
something,” he says. “We're hoping that 
if Sebastian starts baying, we'll all move 
to Lake Arrowhead and be reunited with 
Louie.” 

Before our hike, 1 noticed that 
Spader's 1969 Porsche Targa bore a 
Grateful Dead bumper sticker. 

“One of my biggest hobbies was going 
to concerts,” says Spader. He also owns 
hundreds of albums, which he insists are 
superior in sound quality to CDs. 

“We'll go to Tower Records and spend 
all our salaries,” says Peyton. “Jimmy will 
be in the blues bin, buying armloads of 
every obscure album he can find, some of 
which are terrible. And we'll bicker end- 
lessly ГЇЇ say, ‘I started listening to the 
blues when you were in nursery school.” 
And he'll insist that he’s the one who has 
the rare blues records, and that all I have 
is those bullshit greatest-hits collections.” 

Spader's current audio system, Peyton 
tells me, “costs huge amounts of money 
and will never be advertised in any 
magazine and you can't buy it except by 
appointment. In the whole LA. area, 
there are only two dealers for this stuff.” 

“Its designed by a couple of hippies in 
Canada who do nothing with their days 
but listen to music,” explains Spader. "It's 
archaic by today's standards—all tubes, 
not solid state. But it sounds better than 
solid state. It’s not the equipment that 
should be admired, though, it’s the mu- 
sic. My preamp doesn't have bass and tre- 
ble and tone dials—it plays the music the 
way it was recorded. It’s there to serve the 
music. If you're listening to Coltrane, 
he should sound the way he sounded in 
the studio the day he recorded и” 

Harrington scoffs at this. “He plays 
these weird old blues records or reggae al- 
bums that were recorded with the most 
primitive equipment. No matter what 
you play them on, they sound terrible. 
They sound like they were recorded un- 
derwater through a megaphone. 

“He's completely anal about his tape 
selection in the car,” says Harrington. 
“He has an aluminum briefcase and hell 
putin a hundred and ten cassettes—'OK, 
we're going to drive north, so these are 
the good tapes for the North.’ He plans 
the music like some people plan the 
menu for an estate dinner. And he wont 
let me get one song in. He plays things 
that he knows I won't like so he can try to 
convince me how good they are.” 

When Spader was sent the script for 
sex, lies, and videotape, he was on one of 

(continued on page 170) 


“I don't recall the flight simulator at NASAS having 
а mirror on the ceiling. . . .” 


why, now that quality is up, 
drinking well is the best revenge 


drink By JOHN OLDCASTLE 


HEN OSCAR WILDE protested, “I have the simplest tastes. 
Tam always satisfied by the best,” he was expressing 
the dri 
but the 1990s. For while we may all be forced to do 


ing sentiment of the Nineties—not the 1890s 


with a bit less of some of the necessities of Ii the 
decade ahead (air and new Rolling Stones albums, for 
example), we do expect that the luxuries should be of 
the highest quality. Of course, if an item has the added 
virtue of being quite rare, its mere possession becomes as 
much a pleasure as the using of it. 
This is especially true with fine spirits. For although over- 
all consumption of hard liquor has been dropping in the 


United States—23 percent since 1980—the sale of premium 


spirits is soaring: The more rare bottles of cognacs, well- 
aged rums and even “single-barrel” bourbons show up in 
the market, the more we seem willing to pay top dollar for 
them. Twenty-five-vear-old single-malt Scotches? Can't keep 
‘em in stock. Thirty-dollar-a-bottle tequilas? Walking off the 
shelves. Rare old Armagnacs? Name your price. When Hine 
recently exported a mere 60 bottles of its 1914 vintage 
cognac to the US. at about $600 a fifth, retailers and restau- 
rateurs begged to get just one bottle for their customers. 

As you might expect, a lot of this lust for what Michael 
Aaron of New York's Sherry-Lehmann calls superspirits is 
based on the desire to own what few other people in the 


world can afford to buy Which is why you may hear more 


guys getting very specific about their drink orders in bars. 
They don't just want a snifter of Russian vodka. It has to be 


Stolichnaya Cristall—and it has to be served in a chilled 
glass. This may well derive from the kind of awesome con- 
noisseurship James Bond began when he demanded his 


martinis “shaken, not stirred" and ordered only Hennessy 


Three Star Cognac, compounded over the past decade by a 
sense that the high rollers and powerful in this world are 
men who get precisely what they want at any cost 

But more and more, the continuing market for really fine 
spirits, as with fine wines, seems fueled by an enormous pool 
of far more discriminating, better-traveled men who really 
know the best from the merely good and who, though 
d 


they do. Moderation, which is the key to truly 


ing less, intend to drink as well as they can whenever 


g well, 
seems admirably in the ascendancy in the Nineties. So here's 
Playboy's guide to drinking very well, indeed. 


SCOTCH 


The spirits that seem to have first fueled Americans thirst 
for the finest were single-malt Scotches (made entirely from 
malted barley and not blended with other whiskies)—ironi 
cally, at a time when sales of blended Scotches began falling. 
Today. drinkers are savoring the richer, deeper flavors of a 
single malt as one would a fine cognac—afier dinner rather 
than before. 

At first, people bought established names such as The 
Glenliyet (now the leading seller), Glenfiddich and Glen- 
morangie: but before long, they were seeking out hard- 
to-find single malts and then (continued on page 166) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVE JORDANO 


JEWELRY COURTESY LESTER LAMPERT. CHICAGO. ILL. SPIRITS COURTESY SHAEFER'S, SKOKIE, ILL. 


102 


I 
THE 
COMPANY 


М E N 


the playwright prefers it when the cards are on 


the table and cigar smoke is in the air 


opinion by 


David Mamet 


тах муг T think, very ener- 
gy efficient to have two paris of a machine performing 
the same task 

A mechanical and, by extension, a spiritual union might bet- 
ter be described as the conjunction of dissimilar parts such that 
the ability of each to realize a common goal is improved. 

The roof is pitched to shed the snow, the floor is flat for the 
convenience of the occupants. Both conduce to the comfort of 
the inhabitants and to the structural integrity of the house. 

Well, then, lets talk about sexual relationships. Lets talk 
about men and women. Our sexual organs, as has been noted, 
are dissimilar. It is also widely known—though to aver it in cer- 
tain circles is impolite—that our emotional make-ups are quite 


different: and try as one may to hew to the correct liberal politi- 


cal line of equal rights, and elaborate a moral imperative into a 
prescriptive psychological view (i.c., men and women are enti- 
led 10 the same things; therefore, they must want the same 


things), we know that such a view is not true. We know that men 


as much as they may 
want the rights to want and to pursue the same things). And 


and women do not want the same things 


why men and women want dissimilar things is, as they say, be- 
yond the scope of this inquiry 

As 1 amble so pugnaciously imo my twilight years and into 
what I so dearly hope will be a time of reflection and peace, it 
seems to me that women want men to be men 

This is a new idea to me. In my quite misguided youth, 1 
believed what the quite misguided women of my age said 


when they told me and my fellows that what was required 


ES save 


for a happy union was a man who was, in all thin 


plumbing, more or less a woman. (continued on page 172) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ЗАМОВА HENOLER 


JOHN LARROQUETTE 


clor John Larroquette is best known not 

for the many possible misspellings and 
mispronunciations of his surname (its pro- 
nounced lar-o-ket) but for his pernicious 
portrayal of Assistant D.A. Dan Fielding 
on “Night Court.” The role has earned him 
so many Emmys (four) that he declines to let 
himself be nominated for a fifth. Speaking 
of fifths, for many now-forgettable years, 
Larroquelte downed great volumes of the 
liquid variety. He quit that method of self- 
destruction and since has done work in 
films (“Stripes “Blind Date” and, current- 
ly, "Madhouse"), TV and on stage, and 
occasional noodling over novels and screen- 
plays on his home computer. He also collects 
books. So what is it about this man for all 
seasons that allows him the luxury of play- 
ing a sleaze while retaining his likability? 
While talking in Larroquettes trailer on the 
set of “Madhouse,” Contributing Editor 
David Rensin thought he overheard a clue: 
“This is the sexiest man in the world,” a ro- 
bust blonde visitor said with absolute cer- 
tainty. “All women want lo fuck him.” 


L 

в avrov: Your bio lists a broad range of 
credits, from Baa Baa Black Sheep 10 
Stripes, from Kojak to Twilight Zone—The 
Movie, from Night Court to Blind Date, 
What do you imagine goes through a 
casting directors mind when he savs, 
“Get me John Larroquette"? 

LARROQUETTE: Hmm. Now that we've lost 
Pinky Lee, and Bert's so busy with Win, 
Lose or Draw, the next image that comes 
to his mind is this Hat mug of mine. “We 
need a mug! Is there someone in town 
who hasa good mug?” And they think of 
Larroquette. The success of Night Court 
has helped, plus my being a journeyman 


actor. And before 
the sultan pad рое or 
ofsmarm ea Pa er 
describes haar decise 
the hangover Cie repond 
from hell and 

the pleasures 
of the 
industrial vac 


George Peppard 


on a series called 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY RANDEE ST. NICHOLAS 


Doctors Hospital 
that lasted only 
thirteen episodes. 
I was one of those 
young, confused 
interns who gave 
compassionate 
looks to terminal 
patients and filled 
Peppard in on the 


complications when he walked into the 
room: “Left hemispheric contusion with 
a subliminal contraception and a sub- 
dural hematoma.” [ thought the last was 
a diving device, invented by Jacques 
Cousteau. In the end, it all boils down to 
the five stages of an actors career: 
"Who?" “Get me John Larroquette: 
"Get me a John Larroquette type.” "Get 
me a young John Larroquette.” “Who?” 
Fortunately, I seem to be in the second 
phase, at the moment. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: What do you like most about 
your face? Least? When does it work best 
for you? 

LARROQUETTE: I like my nose least and my 
eyes best—though it's tough to look 
around my nose to find them. I feel like a 
rhino sometimes. My nose is too bulbous 
and lacks definition. Perhaps it's because 
it was almost cut off in 1980, during the 
shooting of Stripes. I ran down a hall and 
hit a door that was supposed to open. 
When I it didn't. There was a win- 
dow in the door, and my head went 
through it and [ just about cut my nose 
off. That changed its shape. My face 
worked best when I was a kid, because I 
could summon a dog or baby-seal look 
that made people say, “We can't kick him 
again. It's just pi 


3. 


rLavsov: The name Larroquette is both a 
tough spell and a tongue twister. What 
are some of the more memorable ways in 
which it has been botched? 
LARROQUETTE: The most common mis- 
take when people write it is to lez 
the first R. I'm sure it was ori 
LaRoquette. A teacher in high school 
pronounced it “lar-OK,” on the theory 
that it's Chevrolet, not Chevrolette. I was 
too stupid to complain. I've also heard 
"laro-kwet" and “laro-ka-tetty” “Laro- 
cutey" is also one of my favorites. One 
that I actually used for quite a while was 
"la-rocket." Johnny LaRocket. ГЇЇ be in- 
terested to see how you spell these. 


4 


: You've won four Emmys in a 
row, from 1985 to 1988, for playing Dan 
Fielding on Night Court. Where do you 
keep the awards? Are you nervous about 
a possible fifth? 

LARROQUETTE: They're all together, like 
the Rockettes, on the mantelpiece. Id 
never seen statues above a fireplace be- 
fore, and I thought, Gee, that seems like 


a real interesting idea. Right next to the 
four girls, I have a picture of two dere- 
licts on an old Pepsi bus-stop bench; 
filthy, siting there smoking cigarettes, 
bottles sticking out of their pockets. The 
yin and yang of my life. As for number 
five, that’s a fairly complicated issue. To 
be considered for an Emmy nomination 
in the performing categories, one has to 
submit ones own work; in other words, 
Id submit a Night Court episode 1 
thought really showcased me. I didn't do 
that this year. I didnt, selfishly, want to 
hope I'd win again and have somebody 
elses name announced. After the first 
one, I thought the odds for two in a row 
were OK; it has happened. I was sure I 
wouldn't win the third. I thought Tom 
Poston had it. I was convinced the fourth 
one would never happen. It gets to be like 
DiMaggio: How many innings can you 
go? I thought it would be nice just to re- 
e undefeated, with a streak. 


Б. 


т.лувоу: Justine Bateman told us that she 
never wore underwear when she was do- 
ing Family Ties. Got any Night Court 
secrets you'd care to spill? 

LARROQUETTE: Well, I do wear underwear 
on Night Court. 1 guess the only differ- 
ence is that its Marsha Warfield's. 


6. 
What's Dan Fielding’s pre-bed 


LaRKoQUETTE: He probably spends a lot 
of time giving himself a good pedicure, 
getting all the day's cheese out of his feet 
from pounding that legal beat. Talks to 
himself a lot in the mirror before to 
psych himself up: “You're the best, babe, 
the absolute best. Hey, she’s yours, abso- 
lutely yours.” Probably has a few oysters. 
s] Hmm. New York doesn't have 
great raw ones, so I suppose he has tins 
of smoked oysters in his bathroom cabi- 
net. Finally, a line of musk down his spine 
to try to arouse the animal in him. 


a 


ravpoy: Describe unctuous. 
LAmROQUETTE: A person who has just 
stepped оп a skunk and whose hands are 
covered in olive oil. 


8. 


rLaysov: Betray Richard "Bull" Moll's 
love secrets. (continued on page 164) 


105 


marruews has a perfectly normal bed- 
room in the perfectly normal house she 
shares with her parents, her sister and her 
brother. The peach-and-green walls are 
hung with posters by Van Gogh and Ma- 
tisse (not surprising choices, since Lisa 
hopes eventually to teach art history, at 
cither high school or college level). Her 
skis stand in the corner near her favorite 
piece of furniture—her grandmother's 


cedar chest. It's a room like any other, with 


one small exception—an exception named 


Chester. As roommates go. Chester is 
ideal. He's quiet, clean and friendly. When 
he and Lisa are alone in their room, 
Chester's idea of a great time is to eat 


raisins out of Lisa’s mouth. Chester is a 
chinchilla. Lisa is the first to admit that a 
chinchilla is nota run-of-the-mill pet. But, 
as an animal lover, she already owned the 
usual animals—a dog and two cats—and 


when her boyfriend wanted to give her an- 


other pet two years ago, Lisa chose 
Chester. Its true that no one else in her 
suburban Los Angeles neighborhood has a 
pet chinchilla, but Lisa is used to being a 
little different. Her father w 
nomad, and the Matthews family was up- 


'orporate 


rooted numerous times, from Peoria to 
Ohio to Chicago to Georgia to Ohio again, 
to L.A., to Florida and then back to L. 


like any good junior college student, Lise 
Motthews knows how to hit the beaks os well 
os enjoy extrocurriculor octivities. But if her 
homework is lote, she doesnt doim thot the dog 
ate it—she blomes Chester, her pet chinchillo. 


AMM 


WHAT BECOMES 
A LEGEND MOST? 
MISS APRIL'S 

PET CHINCHILLA 


aW 


I 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


“I don't know why, but no one asks me out on dotes," comploins Liso. “It’s really weird, but 
1 have o lot of guys who are my friends go to lunch or we'll see o movie together, but it's 
not actuolly o date, because they haven't osked me out ond | poy my own way” 


justin time for Lisa to finish high school. Finally settled in one place, she began to 
blossom, making friends and finding success as a model at the age of 17. Now 20, 
she’s a student at a local junior college, thinking about her future. However her 
plans work out, there's one thing she knows—Chester will be with her. “A chin- 
chilla is a big rodent,” explains Lisa helpfully. “He has the body of a rabbit and 
the tail of a squirrel, He has mouse ears and kangaroo legs, and then big back 
feet and litle front feet. He's really cute. 1 talk to him.” The few people we've 
heard of who owned chinchillas had a lot of them and turned them into coats. 
Lisa's brown eyes blaze when she's asked if Chester will end up in the garment 
industry with his relatives. “No!” she shouts. “I do not like fur coats!" “You're go- 
ing to tell everyone that Chester eats raisins out of my mouth, arent you?" she 


asks. “I mean, that sounds kind of gross, doesn't it?" Nah, we tell her; everybody 


108 


"1 used to be a tomboy,” says Lisa. “My dad wonted a son, and since I was the oldest, | was the boy af the family until my brother was born. 1 like 
sports a lot and I'm glad that my dad made me play them. Other girls wanted to be mothers when they grew up. Me, І wanted ta be a jackey.” 


1 


112 


docs it. “1 could only love an animal lover, obviously" says Lisa. "I'd like to have a ranch, 
maybe in Colorado. I'm going to have horses and I'm going to have dogs. And I'll need plenty 
of room for Hank.” Hank? “I really want a cow named Hank. Cows are my favorite 
animals, and I think Hank is a good name for a cow, even if it is a girl.” What will Hank 
eat? Lisa eyes us sternly. “Not raisins,” she says, beginning to smile, “and not out of my mouth.” 


^| want а guy wha is real, not 
fake. I hate a man who is trying 
to impress me all the time,” says 
Lisa. "ГЇ go to football games 
with him, but he'll have to go ta 
the art museum with me, too.” 


F € 
ИГ 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


perp ee aed US S 
. 8I ҮҮ E e ПЕ 
СОА ы AD 
BIRTH ААО acy Peria ти. 
awprrtons: TO = O poa. edulatiðw and 
bt. ho; rfe. 
muros. Saane obied ros Junges, — 
DOT: renal (E ve. 
пао ЕДШ» people tatpos, wahe _ 


guys who have longer hair wan me. 


FAvoRITE moos: ORL M Sun Also "Pages E 
Great Gatsou. 


NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE IT, BUT... hen I as O, 
All Kinds oF Spbr | bastbal 
Фора, horsebaey riding and Snow Shing. 
IDEAL уъсаттон: A Mediterranean crwse With 
in And Greece. 
MY DREAM DATE: Siting Bn Die beach at Sunset 


wit nu nan, drinking Champagne. 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Alter a late night out with the boys, the man un- 
dressed and slipped into bed with his wife. “Are 
you awake, honey?” he whispered. When he got 
no response, he kissed her on the lips. “Hon, you 
awake?” Still no response. He kissed her on both 
breasts. “Hon, wake up.” He kissed her on the 
belly. She didn't move. Then he kissed her on 
the Knee. 

“You son of a bitch!” she shricked, bolting up- 
right. “If my pussy had been a bar, you wouldn't 
have missed it!” 


Heard about Zsa Zsa's new fragrance? Its called 
Conviction and you just slap it on. 


A 


Rumors in the fast-food industry have it that 
McDonald's is preparing to test-market a new 
burger made from bulls’ lips. It'll be called the 


McJagger. 


An unemployed stripper begged her agent to 
find her werk, He cautioned her that the only job 
available was at a longshoremens convention— 
typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she 
100k the job anyway. 

Thar evening, the agent walked into the hall 
just as the stripper began her act. Before long, 
the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed. 
Бег cans and cigarette botó while shouting obs 
scenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to man- 
handle her. Hal rar through her performance, 
she ran off stage, sobbing. 

“Look, they dont mean anything by it," the 
agent said consolingly “They've just had too 
much to drink and ——" 

“No, no, t them!" she exclaimed. “Did you 
hear that fucking band?" 


Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a 
walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a 
storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing 
thc blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men 
looked around in amazement. 

"What do you suppose is going on?" one asked 

“Only thing I can figure,” the other said, "is 
that the Cubs went to the series." 


Two doctors were putting on the ninth green 
when one collapsed from a heart attack. “Help 
me," he groaned to his companion. 
"Sorry my malpractice insurance won't cover 

his partner replied, walking off the green, 
ut ГЇЇ get help." 
A few minutes later, he returned, pickcd up his 
club and began lining up his putt. The man on 
the ground raised his head and screamed in dis- 
belief, “I'm dying and you're putting?" 

“Dont worry 1 found a doctor on the second 
hole who said he'd come and help." 

“The second hole? When the hell is he com- 
ing?” 

“Hey, I told you not to worry” he said, strokin 
his putt. “They're going to let him play through. 


Why did the Siamese twins go to England? So 
the other one could drive for a while. 


A newly captured lion was taken to Rome and 
placed in a cage in the Colosseum. From his win- 
dow, the newcomer could see fellow lions engag- 
ing in bloody combat with gladiators and 
pursuing Christians under the blazing sun. 

Finally, the battered lions were returned to 
their cages. "Wow" the newcomer said, "I 
thought this job would be a snap.” 

“Oh, the works pretty tough grizzled old 
lion answered, “but the prophets can be good.” 


What did Dan Quayle say when Mrs. 
blew softly in his car? “Thanks for the r 


a brief absence, a nurse returned to her 

1 and was quickly pulled aside by one of 

her colleagues. “Shirley, your breast is out of your 

uniform 

“Oh, shit,” the rumpled nurse replied, glanc- 

ing down. “Don't those damn doctors ever put 
anything away?” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Ill. 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


Laugh along with Playboy Playmates on The Party 
Joke Line, 1-900-740-3311. Or tell a joke of your 
‘own! The charge is two dollars per minute. 


"I can't remember what the captain asked me to tell you.” 


119 


moo fiction 
By LAWRENCE BLOCK 


"pmi 


THE BURGLAR WHO DROPPED IN ON 


y El 


bemie the burglar, sweetie 
pie, you're my ticket to elvis 


“rkNow who you are,” she said. “Your name is Bernie Rhoden- 


barr. You're a burglar” 

I glanced around, glad that the store was empty save for the 
two of us. It often is, but I'm not usually glad about it. 

“Was,” I said. 

“Was?” 


“Was. Past tense. I had a criminal 


‚and while I'd as soon 


k 


seller now, Miss, uh” 


ret. I can't deny it. But I'm an antiquarian book- 


epitas 


“Danahy” she supplied. “Holly Danahy" 


“Miss Danahy A dealer in the wisdom of the ages. The er- 


rors of my youth are to be regretted, even deplored, but 
they're over and done with.” 
She gazed thoughtfully at me. She was a lovely creature— 


slender, pert, bright of eye and inquisitive of nose—and she 


wore a tailored suit and a flowing bow tie that made her look at 


once yieldingly feminine and as coolly competent as a Luger 


“I think you're lying.” she said. “I certainly hope so. Because 


an anuquarian bookseller is no good at all to me. What I need 
isa burglar” 

“Twish 1 could help you.” 

“You can.” She laid a coolfingered hand on mine. “Its al- 


most closing time. Why dont you (continued on page 128) 121 


ILLUSTRATION BY DANIEL TORRES 


122 


CARS 


OF ROCK & ROLL 


THE CONJUNCTION of rock and road iron was a ing of American icons as in- 
evitable as that of Marilyn and Ј.ЕК. In the Fifties, road rock created itself 
from the luster of hot-rodable cars bought on easy postwar credit, fueled by 
15-cent-a-gallon gas and pumped up by superheterodyne radios. Fast kids with 
bad attitudes have been cı ing the interstates in cars like these ever since— 
and rockers have been singing about them. That is all very nice, but car fanat- 
ics want to know, How do those jammin’ jalopies really perform? We wanted to 
know, so we clocked them. In order to qualify for our list, candidates had 
to have been featured prominently in a major road-rock hit. And all cars had 
to be stock models—no hot rods. The hard figures on horsepower, accelera- 
tion, top speed, fuel economy and, well, sex appeal (don't ask us how we did 
our research) follow, with our truly elegant photographs of the classiest rock 
chassis of all. Here, for your edification, are The Cars of Rock and Roll. 


a tribute to the four-wheelers that still get our ya-yas out • text by ALAN WELLIKOFF 


Nash Ramblers were adorable litile 
cors driven by Adlai Stevenson voters 
who attended Tupperware parties, aper- 
ated ham radias and displayed their 
glass-insulator collections in their dens. 
Although Ramblers accelerated as if 
powered by a six-pack of Evereadys, by 
the standards of their time, such sensible, 
economical and unpretentiaus cars were 
destined ta be cansidered geeky. So 
when the Playmates’ Beep Beep por- 
trayed a Rambler square mobile besting 
a luckless Caddy at more than 120 miles 
per hour, it was less like road rock's Tuck- 
er than like The Revenge of the Nerds. 


1955 NASH RAMBLER (Beep Beep) 
ROAD TEST 

Acceleration (0-60 mph): 176 seconds 
Top speed: 86 mph 
Horsepower: 90 bhp 
Averoge mpg: 7 
Stopping 

distance (at 60 mph): NA 

Sex appeal 

(on a scale of 1-100): LU 
Weeks on = 

chorts (Beep Beep): 2 


1965 MUSTANG (Mustang Sally) 
ROAD TEST 


Acceleration (0-60 mph): 75 seconds 
Top speed: 117 mph 
Horsepower: 271 bhp 
Average mpg: 128 
Stopping 

distance (at 60 mph): NA 

Sex appeol 

(on a scale of 1-100): 95.2 
Weeks on 


charts (Mustang Sally) 6 


The Mustang was the first of the pony 
cars— quick, inexpensive and sporting a 
sexy long-hooded, short-decked style. In 
addition to being the perfect patch-out 
vehicle for the start of Lee lacocco's re- 
markable tenure ot Ford Motor Com- 
pany, the Mustang wos the perfect 
vehicle for Detroit-bred Wilson Pickett's 
Sally to ride. In foct, it wos one of the 
reasons lacocco allowed the Thunder- 
birds performonce to wane. She ond 
her ‘Stong were both fost ond—to Pick- 
ets consternation—Sally not only 
rode in her brand-new 1965, she deliv- 
ered in it. Poor Pickett missed out. 


ROAD 


ROCKING 


IN 1955, Chuck Berry spotted Maybel- 
lene getting her thrill in a Coupe de 
Ville. He chased her in a V8 Ford. 
They started doing that bumper to 
bumper, side to side, then Maybellene 
pulled out. At one oh fo’ and then 
110, she built a half-mile lead. Chuck 
kicked his achin’ heart into fifth, and 
rock and roll met the road. 

Good thing, too. Otherwise, my 
head might now be full of fishin’ 
songs—Dead Man’s Cod—or, worse, 
Broadway show tunes. Don't let it be 


suit the tastes of a new generation 
that was growing up—in cars. 

My crowd. I was minus one year old 
when Maybellene came out, but we 
had a good oldies station where 1 
grew up, 60 miles south of James 
Deans home town and 60 miles 


contributing editor kevin cook muses on growing up by dashboard light 


A hotfooted intermediate, the 1964 
Pontiac GTO was the first true muscle car. 
Both it and the song that Ronny & the 
Daytonas wrote for it were archetypes of 
their genres, the latter as loaded with 
hot-rod jargon as the former was with its 
mechanicals. Traditional sports-car buffs 
took umbrage at Pontiacs attachment of 
Ferraris “Gran Turisma Omologato” title 
to a model that had originally been in- 
troduced as an economy model; but de- 
spite its being a bit light in the rear for all 
its power and torque, the “little modified 
Pon Ton” was capable of autrunning just 
about any Ferrari at the drag strip. 


1964 PONTIAC TEMPEST GTO (Little GTO) 


ROAD TEST 

Acceleration (0-60 mph): 69 seconds 
Top speed: 122 mph 
Horsepower: 325 bhp 
Average mpg: 15 
Stopping 

distance (at 60 mph): NA 

Sex appeal 

(on a scale of 1-100): 875 
Weeks on 

charts (Little GTO): 10 


1963 STINGRAY CORVETTE (Shut Down) 
ROAD TEST 


Acceleration (0-60 mph): 59 seconds 
Top speed: 142 mph 
Horsepower: 360 bhp 
Average mpg: 2.5 
Stopping 

distance (at 60 mph): NA 

Sex appeal 

(on a scale of 1-100): 9 

Weeks on 

charts (Shut Down): 13 


Getting their starts in 1953, Elvis and 
the Corvette seemed for a time to be 
astrologicol twins. Sexy, lithe ond brash, 
both the star ond the cor would bulk up 
о lot in the Seventies. While Prince's Lit- 
Не Red Corvette showed the cor still to 
be a sexpot in 1982, hot-rod rockers 
alwoys saw it as o rocer first. Their 
sprinter wos the mid-Sixties Stingray, o 
reol sports cor that ran the quorter mile 
in 15 seconds ot over 100 mph. Even so, 
it lost foce in the Rip Chords‘ Hey, Little 
Cobra but redeemed itself in the Beoch 
Boys’ Shut Down and then beat on XK-E 
in Jan and Deans Dead Man's Curve. 


126 


north of Johnny Cougar's. My crowd 
was Hoosier rebels in gas guzzlers. 
Too poor after serfin’ at Sears and 
McDonald’s to get our own places, we 
lived in our cars. Ate, slept and mat- 
ed in our cars. If you didn't lose your 
innocence between the seats of a Six- 
ties-model sedan, my crowd sneered 
and called you a huge mutant cube. 
(Correctly, it turns out. Studies show 
that 93 percent of nonvehicular first- 
timers grew up to be Yuppies.) The 
rest of us drove our Chevys to the 


When the Mercedes-Benz was still sald 
by Studebaker dealers, the Cadillac was 
billed as the “Standard of the World.” 
Named in the title of at least 16 rockers, 
the curvaceous Caddy is cited in many 
others. Caught at the top of a hill, the 
rockin’ Caddy debuts in Chuck Berrys 
1955 rhapsody Maybellene, in which 
Berry burns off heartache with high test 
in his Fard V8 after he sees his faithless 
girl in a Coupe de Ville. Later came 
Brand New Cadillac, Cadillac Annie and 
scores of others. Motorized women have 
driven men crazy all through road 
rock—mast of them in shiny Cadillacs. 


levee, threw a bed sheet onto the back 
seat and grew up by dashboard light. 

Our heroes drove fast and died 
young—which seemed sane when we 
looked at adults. Death before 
30ishness. Our parents’ idea of a 
road rocker was The Surrey with the 
Fringe on Top. We had Wilson Pick- 
ett's Mustang Sally, the Beach Boys in 
a woodie, Bob Seger in the back seat 
of a 60 Chevy. And our own Icarus, 
Fairmount High School's James Dean, 
in a silver Porsche on Highway 41. 


1955 CADILLAC COUPE DE VILLE 

(Maybellene) ROAD TEST 

Acceleration (0-60 mph): 10 seconds 

Top speed: 11.3 mph 

Horsepower: 250 bhp 

Average mpg: 132 

Stopping 

distance (at 60 mph): 160 feet 

Sex appeal 

(on a scale of 1-100): 80 

Weeks on charts (Maybellene): 14 
(cancluded on page 159) 


Passing pizzas from car to car over 
a 100-mile-per-hour white line, sing- 
ing along with the radio, we tempted 
fate. A few of us followed in Dean's 
skid marks, but if you gotta go... .. 

Go, said Natalie Wood in Rebel. 
Where doesn't count— just get there 
fast. Nothing counts but keeping , 
home, school and Sears in the rear- 
view. It is one thing to be a rebel 
without a cause. Nobody ever heard 
of a rebel without a car. 

Reality (concluded on page 156) 


PLAYBOY 


128 


BURGLAR WHO DROPPED IN ua fom page 121) 


“Nobody gets to go upstairs at Graceland. Enter 


an expert at illegal entry. C’est moi. 


э» 


lock up? I buy you a drink and tell you 
how you can qualify for an all-expense- 
paid trip to Memphis. And possibly a 
whole lot more.” 

“You're not trying to sell me a time 
share in a thriving lakeside resort com- 
munity, are you?” 

“Not hardly.” 

“Then what have I got to lose? The 
thingis, I usually have a drink after work 
with—" 

“Carolyn Kaiser," she cut i 
friend. She washes dogs two doors down 
the street at The Poodle Factory. You can 
call her and cancel." 

My turn to gaze thoughtfully. 
seem to know a lot about me," said. 

“Sweetie,” she said, "that's my job." 

. 

“I'm a reporter,” she said. "For the 
Weekly Galaxy. If you don't know the pa- 
per, you must never get to the super- 
market.” 

“I know it,” | said. “But 1 have to ad- 
mit, I'm not what you'd call one of your 
regular readers.” 

“Well. 1 should hope not. Bernie. Our 
readers move their lips when they think. 
Our readers write letters in crayon, be- 
cause they're not allowed to have any- 
thing sharp. Our readers make the 
Enquirer's look like Rhodes scholars. Our 
readers—face it—are D-U-M." 

"Then why would they want to know 
about me?" 

"They wouldn't, unless an extraterres- 
trial had made you pregnant. That hap- 
pen to you?" 

*No, but Bigfoot ate my car." 

She shook her head. "We already did 
that story Last August, [ think it was. 
The car was an AMC Gremlin with a 
hundred and ninety-two thousand miles 


"You 


suppose its time had соте" 

“That's what the owner said. He's got a 
new BMW now, thanks to the Galaxy. He 
cant spell it, but he can drive it like 
crazy" 

1 looked at her over the rim of my 
glass. "If you don't want to write about 
me." I said, “what do you need me for?" 

“Ah, Bernie,” she said. "Bernie the 
burglar. Sweetie pie. you're my ticket to 
Elvis." 


. 

"The best possible picture,” I told Car- 
olyn, “would be a shot of Elvis in his 
coffin. The Galaxy loves shots like ıhat, 
but in this case, it would be counterpro- 
ductive in the long run, because it might 


kill their big story the one they run 
month after month.” 

“Which is that he's still alive.” 

“Right. Now, the second-best possible 
picture, and better for their purposes 
overall, would be a shot of him alive, 
singing Love Me Tender to a visitor from 
another planet. They get a chance at that 
picture every couple of days, and its al- 
ways some Elvis impersonator. Do you 
know how many full-time professional 
Elvis Presley impersonators there are in 
America today?” 

"No" 

“Neither do I, but I have a feeling that 
Holly Danahy could probably supply a 
figure, and that it would be an impressive 
one. Anyway the third-best possible pic- 
ture, and the one she seems to want al- 
most more than. itself, is a shot of the 
Kings bedroom. 

“At Graceland?” 

“That's the one. Six thousand people 
visit Graceland every day. Two million of 
them walked through it last year.” 

“And none of them brought a cam- 
era?” 

“Don't ask me how many cameras they 
brought, or how many rolls of film they 
shot. Or how many souvenir ashtrays and 
paintings on black velvet they bought 
and took home with them. But how many 
of them got above the first floor?” 

“How many?” 

“None. Nobody gets to go upstairs at 
Graceland. The staff isn't allowed up 
there, and people who've worked there 
for years have never set foot above the 
ground floor. And you cant bribe your 
way up there, either, according to Holly, 
and she knows because she tried, and she 
had all the Galaxy's resources to play 
with. Two million people a year go to 


what it looks like upstairs, and the Weekly 
Galaxy would just love to show them.” 

“Enter a burglar.” 

“That's it. That's Holly's master stroke, 
the one designed to win her a bonus and 
a promotion. Enter an expert at illegal 
entry; burglar. Le burglar, c'est moi. 
Name your price, she told me.” 
nd what did you tell her?” 
fwenty-five thousand dollars. You 
know why? All I could think of was that it 
sounded like a job for Nick Velvet. You 
remember him, the thief in the Ed Hoch 
stories who'll steal only worthless ob- 
jects.” I sighed. “When I think of all the 
worthless objects I've stolen over the 
years, and never once has anyone offered 
to pay me a fee of twenty-five grand for 


my troubles. Anyway, that was the price 
that popped into my head, so I tried it 
out on her. And she didnt even try to 
haggle.” 

“I think Nick Velvet raised his rates," 
Carolyn said. “I think his price went up 
in the last story or two. 

I shook my head. “You see what hap- 
pens? You fall behind on your reading 
and it costs you money.” 


. 

Holly and I flew first class from LEK. 
to Memphis. The meal was still airline 
food, but the seats were so comfortable 
and the stewardess so attentive that I 
kept forgetting that. 

“At the Weekly Galaxy,” Holly said, sip- 
ping an after-dinner something or other, 
“everything's first class. Except the paper 
itself, of course” 

We got our luggage, and a hotel cour- 
tesy car whisked us to the Howard John- 
son's on Elvis Presley Boulevard, where 
we had adjoining rooms reserved. I was 
just about unpacked when Holly knocked 
on the door separating the two rooms. I 
unlocked it for her and she came in car- 
rying a bottle of Scotch and a full ice 
bucket. 

“I wanted to stay at the Peabody,” she 
said. “That's the great old downtown ho- 
tel and it's supposed to be wonderful, but 
here were only a couple of blocks from 
Graceland, and I thought it would be 
more convenient.” 

“Makes sense,” | agreed. 

“But I wanted to see the ducks,” she 
said. She explained that ducks were the 
symbol of the Peabody, or the mascots, or 
something, Every day, the hotel’s guests 
could watch the hotel's ducks waddle 
across the red carpet to the fountain in 
the middle of the lobby. 

“Tell me something,” she said. “How 


burglar? Not for the edification of our 
readers, because they couldn't care less. 
But to satisfy my own curiosity.” 

1 sipped a drink while I told her the 
story of my misspent life, or as much of it 
as I felt like telling She heard me out and 
put away four stiff Scotches in the proc- 
ess, but if they had any effect on her, 1 
couldn't see it. 

“And how about you?” I said after a 
while. “How did a пісе girl like you” 

“Oh, Gawd,” she said. “We'll save that 
for another evening. OK?" And then she 
was in my arms, smelling and feeling bet- 
ter than a body had a right to, and just as 
quickly, she was out of them and on her 
way to the door. 

“You don't have to go,” I said. 

“Ah, but I do, Bernie. We've got a big 
day tomorrow. Were going to see Elvis, 
remember?” 


(continued on page 160) 


“It looks like Isosceles is experimenting with triangles again.” 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


Dar 


BROWN 
PRAYS FOR 
BOB KNIGHT 


DALE BROWN is on the radio. He sits in his 
office with the phone to his ear, sur- 
rounded by trophies, framed sports 
pages and pictures of tigers. He is telling 
Pat from Shreveport that the LSU Tigers 
just might win the national champi- 
onship this year. “It's going to be a bat- 
tle," he tells Pat, "but anything a man can 
conceive and believe, a man can achieve." 

Brown is a tall, barrel-chested man 
with permanent worry lines on his fore- 
head. Fifty-four years old, he has little 
hair and less spare time. Physicists call 
going in all directions at once Brownian 
motion; Brown calls it a typical day. 

"Fat, I gotta run." 

He hustles out of his office and down a 
curving hall lined with team photos. He 
wears purple sweat pants, a gold golf 
shirt and Converse gym shoes. Purple 
and gold are the colors of Louisiana State 
University, which pays him $148,000 a 
year to coach the Tigers. Converse pays 
him $200,000 to promote the shoes. But 
as Brown will tell you if you can keep up, 
nobody owns him. Last year, after his 
best player posed for Sports Iliustrated 
wearing Nikes, Brown got a call from 
Converse. Where were our shoes? Some 
coaches would have apologized for the 
mix-up. Brown said, Blecp you, Con- 
verse, 1 ain't no high-priced callgirl 

. 


Dale Brown is coaching. His 
1989-1990 Tigers, the tcam he believes 
will win the national championship he 
craves, lope downcourt, working up a 
sweat. Brown calls his players “champi- 
ons” and “record holders.” He applauds 
three-pointers, tomahawk dunks, сусп 
balls. 

Wrestling a ball to the hoop is Stanley 
Roberts, a 290-pound center with the 
moves of a forward. Roberts is seven feet 


with jesus, sun-tzu and chris jackson 
in his backcourt, the LSU hoops coach 


battles his demons in the n.c.a.a. 
By KEVIN COOK 


tall. Rebounding his shot is Shaquille 
Rashaun O'Neal: 7'1", 285 pounds, shoe 
size 19. O'Neal, whose Muslim names 
mean little warrior, is 17 years old and 
still growing. In a high school game last 
year, “Shack” had 26 points, 36 rebounds 
and 26 blocked shots. “Wing, drive the 
base line and hit the alley-oop man!” 
coach shouts. 

Ka-thunk. O'Neal crams Chris Jack- 
son's lob pass through the hoop. Not ev- 
ery college basketball team practices 
dunking. LSU dunks daily. 

As much as he prizes his giants, Brown 
loves the man on the wing. Jackson is a 
player of feline grace, armed with a per- 
fect jump shot, which he launches from 
the up of his buzz haircut. As a freshman 
last year, he scored 55 points against Mis- 
sissippi and 53 against Florida on the way 
to averaging 30.2 points a game, the most 
ever by a freshman. Watching Jackson 
glide to meet a teammate's pass, Brown 
calls him “probably the best guard in 
America, including the N.B.A.” 

The coach ends practice by clapping 
his hands. There are no whistles at LSU 
practices. Whistles dehumanize players, 
Brown says. He wants to build men, not 
machines, 

The Tigers hold hands at mid-court. 
Brown recites todays thought: Your 
mind is like a parachute; it works only if 
it’s open. He tells his players they will win 
if they help each other, help each other, 
help cach other. Together, players and 
coach chant this year's theme: “The best 
potential of me is we!” 

Brown has “lots of philosophies,” one 
Tiger says. Each LSU season has a 
theme, each practice a thought, and in 18 
years at LSU, the coach has collated an 
h-thick stack of spiffy sayings. Back in 
his office after practice, he shows off his 


ILLUSTRATION EY DAVID LEVINE 


collection—760 in all. He has quotations 
from Socrates, Confucius and Sun-tzu; 
Wooden, Lombardi and Rupp; Emerson, 
Einstein and Brown. He knows hundreds 
by heart. Give an ordinary coach a cock- 
tail napkin and hell diagram a 1-3-1; 
Brown is liable to jot down a proverb— 
from Emerson, for instance: “Whoso 
would be a man must be a noncon- 
formist." 

Brown's fans say he could be elected 
governor by running on his record: 
317-193, with three Southeastern Con- 
ference championships and two near 
misses in the national tournament. But 
Brown doesn't want to run the Pelican 
State. All he wants is one national cham- 
pionship for his players, their fans and 
the school. 

“Not for myself. I have no ego,” he 
says. Dale Brown has already achieved 
more than he ever had a right to believe 
he would. 


. 

Born on a Halloween Thursday Brown 
was fatherless by Sunday, when Charles 
Brown abandoned his wife and infant 
son. Dale grew up in a cramped apart- 
ment over a hardware store and a tavern, 
the 13 Club, in Minot, North Dakota. As 
a kid, he hawked newspapers in the 
bar—a nickel a copy His mother gave 
part of her monthly welfare check to St. 
Leo's parish, where Dale was a star ath- 
lete, schoolyard rowdy and altar boy. He 
loathed the pious parishioners of St 
Leo's, who took Communion with their 
noses in the air and never noticed the 
scruffy, hungry kid next to the priest. 

“Hypocrites. Not one of them ever 
asked me to go hunting or took me home 
for dinner,” he says. 

Like any (continued on page 136) 


PLAYBOY 


BSBRBMERBSSESM 


things you can live without, but who wants to? 


For storing all those elegant trinkets that are forever cluttering up the top of your dresser, there's this 
three-compartment pivoting box measuring 6" x10" x7" that’s handmade from antique books; each 


comportment is lined with marble paper and a vintoge print, from Rosenthal-Trvitt, Los Angeles, $385. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMEROGNO 


This desk lamp that’s de- 
signed by Rabert Sonne- 
man measures abaut 17^ 
long and comes fitted with 
twa halogen bulbs ond a 
dimmer, from George 


Kavacs, New York, $550. 


Simpson driving shoes 
have a handsame suede 
exterior, a Nomex Ill in- 
terior and ribbed soles 
for betler traction, from 
Beverly Hills Motoring 


Accessories, about $100. 


Tauch-screen programing 
makes the Eclipse EQZ-300 
car sterea with AM/FM, cas- 
sette, CD changer cantrol 
easy to use, from Eclipse 
Mobile Sound and Electronics, 
Tarrance, Califarnia, $650. 


=> 27 2 MN 
Tg атеши. 1219 © 
me m ьн LII i 


coco + 
i ———— — ДЧ) 


miD IBN SRI ERU T 1% 


Winner of the 1989 Euro- 
pean Compact Camero of 
the Year award, the Konica 
A4 35mm is a lightweight 
little shoater with autofo- 
cus, close-up capability 
and other features, $300. 


Porsche Design Exclusive 
sunglasses by Carrera 
feature UV-protected, in- 
terchangeable lenses in 
a variety of colors, from 
Porsche Design, Costa 
Mesa, California, $245. 


The hand-sized, 18-oz. 
speakers and the Acousti- 
mass-3 bass module (not 
shown) give full-sized 
sound, from Bose Corpo- 
ration, Framingham, Mas- 
sachusetts, about $600. 


| 


| 


Brit-phone-is.a 21"-tall met- 
al replica of England's elas- 
sic telephone-kiosks that 
comes fitted with d working 
push-button phone, from 
Olde-Tyme Reproductions, 
Boca Raton, Florida, $120. 


PLAYBOY 


136 


DALE BROWN continea fron paee 130 


“Brown likens recruiting to pimping— Where else 
do you see middle-aged men chasing after kids?” 


good altar boy, he saw evil all around, not 
least in himself. When he caught himself 
looking down a schoolgirls blouse, “I 
thought, geez, I'm twelve years old and I 
am really impure. Headed for hell, baby. 
So I run to the parish house and tell Fa- 
ther Hogan and he says, ‘Come back with 
something important. I was doing that 
when I was ten.” 

Father John Hogan was poor and 
chaste, but “shit, was he tough.” The 
priest was a hard guy who talked about 
love all the time. One time he bounced 
Dale off a locker for cussing a nun, and 
Dale threatened to flatten Hogan's face. 
The priest ruffed the boy's hair and said 
it right out, “I love you,” and to a boy who 
had never heard a man say those words, 
this wasa miracle. Later in life, he would 
take Hogan's tough love to the gym. 

At Minot State Teachers College, 
Brown won a record 19 varsity letters in 
basketball, football and track. Athletic 
scholarships were scasonal; a poor kid 
had to keep playing if he wanted to stay 
in school. He also coached the hoops 
team at St. Leo's High. 

Tiom the start, he was a player's coach, 
а cheerleader in jacket and tic who sweat 
ed as much as his tcams did. If ever a 
man saw basketball as metaphysical exer- 
cise, Brown did. His wife, Vonnie, the 
Minot State cheerleader Brown married 
in 1959, remembers his staying up all 
night, rummaging through his books for 
an inspirational quote, devising defenses, 
plotting, 

“He never slept. He was almost uncon- 
trollable, so eager to win,” she says. “He 
always said he was going to get to a major 
school and win the national champi- 
onship. People thought he was a lunatic.” 

Brown coached high schoolers for 13 
years before moving on to an assistant 
coaching job at Utah State. He had never 
run his own program when he applied 
for his current post in 1972. He had 
three qualifications: a recommendation 
from his guru, John Wooden (whom he 
had befriended on the coaching-dinic 
circuit), the furious sales job Brown did 
on the LSU search committee and the 
fact that no sane man wanted the job. 
LSU was a football school. In the cafete- 
ria, if a football player wanted to cut in 
line, basketballers were required to step 
aside. 

"Things changed when Hurricane Dale 
hit Baton Rouge. He said all jocks were 
equal. But not, perhaps, for long. He was 
going to make LSU a basketball power- 
house. His boasts did not please every- 


one. At the sports banquet that year, the 
football coach ripped "bigmouth" coach- 
es in minor sports. After the banquet, 
Brown cornered the man and made a 
prediction: “Bigmouth” would still be 
coaching basketball at LSU when the 
football coach was long gone 

He crisscrossed the state, handing out 
Tiger key chains, Tshirts, oven mitts, 
even baby bibs for the class of '93. He 
gave his stump speech to anyone who'd 
listen, including a throng of six at а 
small-town diner. Most of his listeners 
said thanks very much, what a fine speak- 
er you are, and how do we get football 
tickets? 

The Tigers went 14—10 in Brown's first 
year, 1972-1973. Then came three losing 
seasons. Almost as bad as losing was 
hearing fans yell that he would never win 
with the lily-white teams he kept sending 
into battle: Through 1972, there had 
been one black player in 64 years of LSU 
hoops. 

Brown was no bigot. Asa high school- 
cr, hearing his home crowd boo a team 
from an Indian reserva , he had 
switched sides and shot lay-ups with the 
Indians, He wanted black players. But 
few blacks wanted to join the white 
Tigers at a school built on plantation land 
in a town known for racial combat. 

Storming off the court after a loss to 
Alabama, he heard a black man yell, 
“When are you going to get some blacks 
on this team and win some games?” 
Brown snapped. Not noticing his heck- 
lers wheelchair, he grabbed the guy and 
shook him. 

"He was hotter than a sumbitch," re- 
calls the victim, George Washington 
Eames, a civil rights activist who had 
been crippled by a white man's bullet in 
1959. “Dale says, ‘You find me some 
blacks with the balls I got and 111 play 
tem.” 

Brown recalls it a little differently: “I 
said, ‘When the brothers got as much pio- 
neer spirit as I got, I'll play em.” 

Brown and Eames became allies. 
Eames, who would go on to run the Bat- 
оп Rouge chapter of the NAACP, helped 
sell LSU to black athletes. Brown 
marched for civil rights. He became a life 
member of the NAACP. The purple-and- 
gold coach and the black activist made 
a dangerous pair of integrationists— 
Browns life was threatened, Eames's 
house was burned down—but Eames 
kept introducing Brown to black plavers. 
The coach's charm did the rest. 

Brown likens recruiting to pimping— 


“Where else do you see middle-aged men 
chasing after kids?"—but he is an ace re- 
cruiter. 

Mathers, who often decide where their 
sons will play. love the word pictures he 
paints of his own poverty, his struggling 
mother, his hard work, his success, 
Tiger "family" For parents who are 
tempted by the illicit enticements of oth- 
er schools—money, cars, clothes—he in- 
vokes the specter of slavery Don't sell 
your son, he says. Send him to a coach 
who will love him. One recruits parents 
were so touched, according to Baton 
Rouge sportswriter Bruce Hunter, they 
said, “Take him. He's your son now.” 

By 1976, Brown had landed many of 
the players he wanted. He still lost. For 
all his faith and sweat, he'd spent four 
ycars winning 48 games and losing 54. 
Baffled, he obsessed over details. “He 
had strange habits,” says Jordy Hultberg, 
who played for Brown in the late Seven- 
ties. “He'd fast for days, then gorge 
himself on steaks. He wouldnt sleep. 
He scheduled practices down to the 
minute—we'd have two minutes and 
fifteen seconds for a water break." 

After four years of famine, Brown 
finally turned his team around. His talk 
of national titles sounded almost rational 
once the Tigers began to win. From 1977 
to 1981, they won 98 games and lost just 
26. Sweet vindication came in 1979: 
Brown brought LSU its first Southeast- 
ern Conference hoops crown in 95 years. 
LSU dumped the football coach he'd 
sworn to outlast 

The 1980-1981 Tigers won 26 in a row 
and reached the semifinals of the 
N.C.A A. tourney. They lost to an Indi- 
ana team coached by Bob Knight 
Browns nemesis, but that year marked 
Brown's rise to the top rank of college 
coaches. 

He is still up late most nights, invent- 
ing new wrinkles for his defense, plotting 
the national championship he wants 
more than food or sleep. His practices 
are sull plotted to the minute. And if his 
team disappoints him, Brown can snap. 
Players say his locker-room tirades can 
get “scary.” Sportswriter Hunter calls the 
coach's tantrums Brownouts. According 
to ex-Tiger Huliberg, a player's only de- 
fense against a Brownout is “triple-thick 
skin.” 

Lyle Mouton's skin proved to be too 
thin. Mouton averaged 8.2 points a game 
at LSU last year. A former Louisiana 
high school Mr. Basketball, he was a 
prime target for Brown's rages. When 
Mouton failed to dive for a loose ball, 
the coach called him a sissy. When he 
backed off instead of taking a charge, 
Brown questioned his manhood and 
even his race. He would ask Mouton, 
who came from one of the state's 

(continued cn page 156) 


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“Нез righi—there is something under the bed!” 


"WHEN 1 THINK of the 


Atlantic Coast Con- 
ference,” says Chicago 
Tribune sportswriter 
Skip Myslenski, “I think 
of all those Tobacco 
Road basketball rival- 
ries. I think of smart 
play, intelligent play. 1 
also think of charging 
fouls—they're rough in 
the A.C.C." 

Adds Sport magazine 
editor Raymond Har- 
per, “The guys of 
A.C.C. basketball are 
precise. They go from 
point A to point B with 
none of that b.s. in between. As for the A.C.C. football 
teams,” he says, “there's a lot of energy and passion 
there, 100.” 

OK, so let's run that back: Intelligence. Aggressiveness. 
Precision. Energy. Passion. If those are, indeed, the 
human qualities found in A.C.C. athletes, is it any wonder 
we had to meet their women? 

Admittedly, the ladies of the A.C.C. are tough to 
pigeonhole. They're not the cowgirls you'll find in the 
Southwest Conference, the belles who grace the South- 


our campus tour of the most spectacular 
scenery along the atlantic seaboard 


east, the eggheads of 
the Ivies. But, as we 
learned the last time 
we visited the A.C.C. 
(September 1983), there 
is something special 
about them. “These 
girls are the cream of 
the current college 
crop,” we wrote back 
then, noting that the 
ladies we met were 
"old fashioned” уе 
“level-headed,” “una- 
bashed and beautiful.” 
Which is precisely why 
we sent Contributing 
Photographers David 
Chan and David Mecey back to the eight rolling, green 
campuses of the A.C.C.—four of them in North 
Carolina, one each in Georgia, Maryland, Virginia and 
South Carolina—to recapture that special something 
on film. Did the return visit live up to the maiden voy- 
age? As they say at Georgia Tech, “Yes, may-um!” As ап 
added attraction, we follow this pictorial with a tribute 
to those legendary A.C.C. football and basketball 
teams—that and a special sweepstakes in which you can 
choose your A.C.C. Dream Girl, maybe even win a car! 


Opposite, NC State Walípackers gether at their most beloved spot: hoapside. You'll forgive us if we skip the guys’ intros and get di- 
rectly to the gorgeous slam-dunk sextet: Fram left, Angela Patton, Nichole Carmack, Kelly Leverett, Maria Medlin, Susan Harris and 
Вену LeGrande (center) —a squad so hot we're nat even gonna call the lone vialation. Now meet Krisanta Laska (above, top lefi), а 
Duke sophamare and Honolulu native who's living proof that, even in Durham, yau can't take the island aut of the island girl. Her 
fevarite activities: windsurfing, scubo diving and building banfires an the beach. Teresa Mead (above center) is a UNC senior wha 
divides her time between “crossward puzzles and enviranmental concerns." Despite her normally bright autlook an life, Teresa 
confesses that there ore things that get her gaat: censorship, Jesse Helms and plastic trash. Couldn't have soid it better ourselves. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN AND DAVID MECEY 


From UVa is Somantha Halle (below), a 
half-Austrian knockout wha has it all 
planned: "First, I'll incorporate work and 
travel, then I'll have a family." U of 
Maryland’s Dawn Austin (right) has mod- 
eled in Tokyo, enlisted in the Notianal 
Guard, jained Mensa, served in the ROTC 
and tried sky diving. But a favored pos- 
time is "skinny-dipping on a starlit night.” 


Moving clockwise around the facing 
page, fram top left: Giving the rapids a 
run far their money оге Clemson's Anita 
Fox (at left} and Wendy Forley—bcth na- 
tive Northeasterners ond na-nansense 
gals. Warns Pennsylvanian Wendy: “I'm a 
rather headstrang, independent female,” 
while Jersey girl Anita says, "I'm half 
Korean, half German and Palish and very, 
very stubborn—iust like Mom!” No less in- 
tense is NC State's Christine McIntyre, 
who's partial to "sexy, wild men with long 
hair and hairy chests!” The line starts 
here. Majoring in saciology and modeling 
on the side is Duke’s Karen Green, a 
singer and harsewaman fram Fort Meade, 
Maryland. These days, Karen is deciding 
between acting and low and is looking for 
a “tall, cthletic, honest guy.” And Geargia 
Techie Sandy Adams is a Taiwan-barn 
sports nut wha loves beautiful clothes. 


^| don't like men who ore too arro- 
gont,” says Clemson's Jennifer 
Hamilton (opposite), "but o little ar- 
rogonce is OK." The well-built jun- 
ior's ambition comes os no surprise 
to us: “to be on orchitect.” At right 
is North Corolino State's Loinie 
Fuller, o poet versed in Russion, 
French, Germon and Norwegion. "1 
like men with a sense of humor 
who are down to earth,” she says. 
“And nice shoulders don't hurt, ei- 
ther.” Although she doesn't look it, 
University of North Corolina grod- 
vote student Chloé Chon (below) 
rorely reloxes: When she's not hit- 
ting the books, she shops till she 
drops. Not North Corolina State's 
Michelle Fields (bottom), who od- 
mits thot she likes “weoring clothes 
os little os possible.” No problem 


The U of Morylonders obove (from left), Karna 
Soderstrom, Shori Ackerman and Eliso Spector, in- 
tend to toke the world by storm. Korno plons to 
travel obrood ond moke use of her anthropology 
studies in the process; Shori wonts to help troubled 
kids ond Elisa will be о lowyer-environmentalist 143 


Duke's Charlotte Clark (above) leads the life af a typical student (she hates momings and shoots poal), but her family life isn't quite so 
normal. She likes to hong aut with her seven-year-old brother and go to Stones concerts with her dad. We dore you to keep up with 
the University af Virginio’s Tiffany Babbitt (below), because she's always moving. She used ta porade on the ground with the school 


drill team, the Cavalier Kickers; naw she wings her way through the oir os a private pilat. Runs in the family: Dad flies commercially. 


Carla Homill (above) is a future physical thera- 
pist wha is attending the University af North 
Carolina. What bugs Carla most? “Macaroni 
and cheese, calculus and hairy men.” Georgia 
Tech's Sheila Haldeman (below) admits ta a 
weakness for “men with blue eyes, cleft chins 
and hard thighs.” Her mam doesn't appear in 
this pictarial, but “she cauld be my sister,” 
Sheila brags. “She's only thirty-eight and looks 
wonderfull” Hats off to the University of Vir- 
ginia’s Deborah Strasnick (right), a junior wha 
is majoring in sports management. We'd take 
Deborah over George Steinbrenner any day. 


AGINA 


Above left is Clemson's Somantha Southern, o native of Raleigh who's a true-blue belle, even though she hates block-eyed peas 

Samantha insists that patential suitars “be tall, lean and give good back rubs.” She alsa says, “I love feet.” Hmmm. From Wake Farest 
is Eve Johnson (above right), a grad student and one af 16 children. Eve's banking on the kind of success her siblings have already 
faund. An alder brather played pro foatball and a sister danced with Mickey Raoney. Leading the throng at TD's bar in Clemsan are 
(belaw left, from left) Jenny Ray, Holly and Victoria Mullen, Shannan Martin and Anne-Marie Kemp. Here's the rundawn an this win- 
ning quintet: Jenny's a cheerleader, white-water rafter and soon-to-be veterinarian; the Mullens are sisters with distinctly different 
peeves—Holly bristles at U of South Carolina Gamecocks; Victaria can't stand budgets and K marts; Shannan is an avid backpacker 
with a thing for “very hot hot tubs”; and Anne-Marie is a Baltimare girl who wants “ta work for Club Med, then get my real-estate li- 
cense.” Born in Chicago but now attending Georgia Tech is sky diver and waitress Laura Phillips (below right), Laura's dislikes are 
eclectic: “sausage, boats, red hair, blue eye shadow and histary.” Finally. here's Tracy Goughnaur (opposite), a data-entry technician 
from the U of Maryland. Among her hobbies, Tracy lists “taking pictures.” We're glad she relinquished the camera ta us this time. 


any < 


148 


VOLKSWAGEN 


PRESENTS 
VITAL STATS OF THE 


MU. 


Just what îs it about the Atlantic 
Confe 
the br 
m 


oast 
ence that makes it so special? Is it 
Is it the brawn? Is it the cli 
Is it the campuses? Is it the gor 
women who stroll d those 
te the issu 

1s. Hei 
rarkable eight 


geous 


campuses? Rather than de 
let's just check out the E 
down on that 
at thei 


left behind. Welcome to the A.C.C.! 


TOPS IN THE A.C.C. 


Most points scored by on A.C.C. bosket- 
boll ployer: 

During the Eighties, Johnny Dowkins of 
Duke, 2556 (1983-1986). All-time, Dickie 
Henric of Wake Forest, 2587 (1952-1955). 

Most yards gained by on A.C.C. football 
ployer: 

Possing, Ben Bennett of Duke, 9614 
(1980-1983). Rushing, Ted Brown of North 
Corolino Stote, 4602 (1975-1978). 

Best won-lost record, football, 1954 
1989: Clemson, .671 (conference), .607 (over- 


oll) 
Best won-lost record, basketboll: North 
Carolina, .748 (conference) .827 (non- 
conference). 
HONOR ROLL 
BASKETBALL 


Alone at the Top: A.C.C. teams finished on 
top of the А.Р ond U.PI. polls three times in 
the Eighties (UNC in 1982 ond 1984, Duke in 
1986)—a feot unmatched by ony other con- 
ference. 

Tuff Enuff: The A.C.C. rocked up the most 
wins in N.C.A.A. tournament ploy in the 
Eighties. 

Cream of the Crop: In 1981, 17 A.C.C. 
ployers were drafted by the N.B.A., six of 
them—Buck Williams and Albert King (Mory- 
lond), Al Wood (UNC), Frank Johnson (Woke 
Forest), Jeff Lamp (UVa) and Larry Nonce 
(Clemson)—in the first round. 

High-Flying Heels: The University of North 
Carolina is number two all-time, both in wins 
and in winning percentage, among Division 
One schools. Visitors don't stand o chance in 
the “Dean Dome.” Heels operote at o .884 
winning clip at home. 


CLEMSON € 
Ру 
COLLEGE: Clemson University 
LOCATED: Clemson, South Carolina 
TEAM NAME: Tigers 


COLLEGE: The Georgia Insitute ol 
Technology 


LOCATED: Atlanta, Georgia 


TEAM NAME: Yellow Jackets (a.k.a. The 
Ramblin’ Wreck) 


COLLEGE: University of North Carolina 
LOCATED: Chapel Hil. North Carolina 
TEAM NAME: Tar Heels 


COLLEGE: University o! Virginia 
LOCATED: Charlottesville, Virginia 
TEAM NAME: Cavaliers (a.k.a. The Wahoos) 


FACT SHEET ON THE A.C.C. 


top honors from The Sporting News оз well. 

‘Are We Done Yet? The University of Mory- 
lond set the A.C.C. record for total offense 
by rocking up 802 yords vs. conference rival 
Virginio in 1975. 

Not Yel? Woke Forest ron off an incredible 
103 offensive plays in o 1982 game ogoinst 
nonconference Western Corolino. 


THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT 

The A.C.C. wos the home conference of 
Wake Forests Tyrone "Mugsy" Bogues (5'3) 
ond NC Stotes Chuck Nevitt (7'5"). 


Bov- 


COLLEGE: Duke University 
LOCATED: Durham, North Carolina 
TEAM NAME: Blue Devils 


COLLEGE: The University of Maryland 
LOCATED: College Park, Maryland 
TEAM NAME: Terrapins 


COLLEGE: North Carolina State University 
LOCATED: Raleigh, North Carolina 
TEAM NAME: Wolfpack 


COLLEGE: Wake Forest University 
LOCATED: Winston-Salem. North Carolina 
TEAM NAME: Demon Deacons 


When the Dust Settled: UNC and NC State 
won bock-to-back N.C.A.A. titles in 1982 
and 1983, both with heart-stopping, neor- 
miraculous finishes—James Worthy intercept- 
ing the erront Georgetown pass to seol the 
1982 championship, ond the unlikely buzzer- 
beoting stuff by Lorenzo Charles thot 
grobbed the 1983 title for NC Stote owoy 
from Houstorís "Phi Slomma Jama.” 


FOOTBALL 

Crunch Time: The A.C.C. had the best 
bowl-game win-loss record of any conference 
in the Eighties. 

Legendary Teoms: In 1953, the University of 
Могуіопа went oll the way. copping both А.Р 
ond U.RI. number-one ronkings. In 1981, 
Clemson performed the some feot, grabbing 


FAMOUS FACES 


Brian's Song: Woke Forests Brian Piccolo 
led the nation in rushing and scoring in 1964. 
He went on to play for the Chicogo Beors. 

Frigidaire U: Clemson is the olmo moter of 
bath William “The Refrigerotor” Perry 
(Chicago Bears) ond younger brother Michael 
Deon Perry (Clevelond Browns). 

Tor Heel Terror: Lawrence Toylor, arguably 
the N.EL5 defensive player of the Eighties, 
hoils from UNC, where he wos everybady’s 
all-Americon in 1980. 

Breakfast of Champions: Former UNC 
teammotes Michael Jordan and Jomes Wor- 
thy now foce off against each other in the 
N.B.A., os well as in o television commercial 


for a certain whole-grain cereal. 

Man of the House: House Democrat Tom 
McMillen of Maryland was a three-time all- 
American in basketball at Morylond in the 
early Seventies. At 6'11", he’s probably also 
the tallest member of Congress. 

Maryland, My Maryland: UM is the birth- 
place of pro greats Boamer Esiason (Cincin- 
noti Bengals) and Buck Williams (Portland 
Trail Blazers). 


NEW FACES 


ON THE BENCH 

Dove Odom, Wake Forest, takes command 
of the Deocons after ten seasons as an 
A.C.C. assistant at both Wake Forest and 
UVa. 

Gary Willioms, University of Maryland, re- 
turns to his alma mater to revive an ailing 
basketball program. He brings a winning rec- 
ord from his three previous coaching tenures, 
most recently ot Ohio State. 


ON THE COURT 

Kenny Anderson, Georgia Tech point 
guard: Anderson was one of the most sought 
after prep players in the U.S. last year. He 
chose Tech over hundreds of other schools 
after @ recruiting bottle that began when he 
wos a freshman in high school. 

Chris Havlicek, University of Virginia 
guard: Havlicek hos impressive bloodlines, 
courtesy of his Hall of Fome dad, Celtic great 
John Havlicek. 


HANG-TOUGH COACHING 

Best All-round Individual: Dean Smith has 
been the basketball coach at the University of 
North Corolino for 28 years. During his term, 
Smith hos led the Heels to 23 consecutive 
post-season appearances, seven Final Fours 
and one national championship, has coached 
16 N.B.A. first-round picks and ten 
Olymipians and was the head coach of the 
1976 U.S. gold-medol-winning Olympic bas- 
ketball team. 

As far football, Frank Howard, naw coach 
emeritus at Clemson, guided the Tigers for 30 
straight yeors—o reign in which his teams 
won nearly 60 percent of their games. 

Bes! All-round School: This ones a tie. The 
University of Maryland and the University of 
Virginia have hired only seven basketball 
coaches each in their respective histories. Av- 
eroge stints per coach: Maryland, 9.5 years; 
Virginia, 12 years. That's better tenure than 
mast econ professors have. 


DUBIOUS 
SPORTSMANSHIP 
AWARD 

The 1916 Georgia Tech football team, 
coached by John Heisman (of note: 
overhyped trophy fome), eked out a 
over c tough Cumberland squad 222-0. 

COMPILED BY DAN CURRY 


ENTER 
THE 1990 DREAM GIRL OF THE A.C.C.* SWEEPSTAKES 
YOU CAN 


WIN A NEW VW_CORRADO 


ITS SIMPLE AND ITS FUN! 
CALL THE DREAM GIRL OF THE A.C.C. HOTLINE 


1-900-860-4000 


« To learn more about one or more of your 
favorite girls of the A.C.C. 

* To vote for Playboy's 1990 Dream Girl of 
the A.C.C. (The girl with the most votes will 
get a brand-new VW CABRIOLET!) 

* And, at the same time,** enter the Dream 
Girl of the A.C.C. sweepstakes, with a chance 
to win a brand-new VW CORRADO! 


Here are the candidates, each with her own 
two-digit voting code. 


0 ACKERMAN, SHAH (UM), p ИЗ 
11 ADAMS, SANDY (Georgia Tech), p. MO 
YE AUSTIN DAWN (UM) p. HI 

13 BAGBITT, TFANY (U). p. МА 

W CHAN, CHLOE (UNC p ИЗ 

15 CLARK, CHARLOTTE (Duke) p. 44 

® CORMACK, МОНА (NC Site p. 139 
Y FARLEY, WENDY (Clemson) p. M 

1B FIELDS, MICHELLE (NC Sto р ИЗ 
Y FOR, ANTA (lemon), p. WO 
DAUER LANE NC Sue p. 19 

72 GOUGENOUR, TRACY (UM, p. 7 


22 GREEN, KARIN (Duke). p. HO 34 MCINTYRE, CHRISTINE (NC Ste) y. 40 
ZE HALDEMAN, SHEILA оета р М5 35 MEAD, TERESA UNC) p. 138 

24 HAMILL, CARLA (UNG, p. M 36 MEDLIN, MARIA (НС) p. 139 

Ж шш CI er PMZ 37 MULLEN, HOLLY (Clemson), p. Mé 

38 MULLEN, VICTORIA (Clemson), p. 146 

39 PATTON, ANGELA (NC Sie) ү. 199 

40 PHLLPS, LAURA (Georgi Te] p. 146 
41 RAY JENNY (Clemson. p. 46 

42 SODERSTROM, KARNA (UN) p. 143 

43 SOUTHERN, SAMANTHA Clemson). p. M6 
44 SPECTOR. ELISA (UN) р МЗ 

45 STRASNICK, DEBORAH (UV) p. 145 


2E HARRIS, SUSAN (NC Ste) p. 137 
2) НОЦЕ. SAMANTHA (Uo), p. 141 
26 JOHNSON, ENE Make forest, p. 146 
25 КЕР ANNE-MARIE (Clemson), p M6 
30 LASKO, KRISANTA (Ouke), p. 138 

31 LEGRANDE, BETTY (NC State). р 139 
32 LEVERETT, KELLY NC Shote) p. B9 
33 MARTIN, SHANNON (Clemson), р H6 


*THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE (A.C.C.) HAS NOT ENDORSED, SPONSORED OR 
APPROVED THIS SWEEPSTAKES OR THE OFFERED PRIZES AND 1S NOT ASSOCIATED 
OR OTHERWISE CONNECTED WITH THIS SWEEPSTAKES OR THE OFFERED PRIZES. 
**NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. To vote for your DREAM GIRL OF THE A.C.C. ond at the some 
time enter the sweepstokes, coll 1-900-860-4000 ond follow the instructions to listen to os many of 
your fovorite Dream Girl of the A.C.C. condidotes os you wont (cost of call: two dollars for the first 
minute, one dollor for eoch additional minute; overage coll length: one ond о half to four and с half 
minutes, depending on the number of condidates you listen to)- 

ALTERNATELY, you may enter the sweepstokes only, by hand-printing on a 3" x 5" cord your nome ond oddress 
end mailing it in o number-ten or smaller envelope with first-class postage affixed (limit one entry per envelope) to 
DREAM GIRL CF THE A.C.C. SWEEPSTAKES, PO. Bax 4337, Blair Nebrosko 68009 Мей я entries must bo 
received by midnight April 30. 1990. Call-in entries must be completed by midnight April 30, 1990. No responsi- 
bility is assumed for lost, lote or misdirected entries. 

Winner vill be selected in o randam drawing from among cll eligible entries received. Entrants must be resi 
dents of the United States, age 18 or over as of April 30, 1990. All Federal, state ond local laws, regulations ard 
restrictions opply. For complete sweepstakes rules, send a self-addressed, stomped envelope (Woshington resi- 
dents need nat offix return pastoge) lu DREAM GIRL OF THE A.C.C. SWEEPSTAKES RULES, 2756 North Green 
Valley Porkway, Room 282. Henderson, Nevado 89104 


149 


[Don't drink and drive 


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Isn't it time you experienced life with 
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IT'S WHAT MAKES A CAR A VOLKSWAGEN. 


PLAYBOY 


152 


SEX ON THE BRAIN ui fon recess 


“Males were more eager to go to bed with a woman 
they had just met than to go on a date with her” 


small amount has powerful effects: Scien- 
tists have found that females experience 
substantial decreases in sexual activity if 
they are no longer producing testosterone. 
On the other hand, if testosterone is ad- 
ministered to females, it increases both 
sexual desire and frequency of sexual ac- 
tiv 


GATEKEEPERS AND SEEKERS 


Given the fact that males have higher 
levels of testosterone than females, its 
hard to escape the conclusion that males 
apparently, on the average, have a stronger 
drive or desire to engage in sexual activity 
than do females. A vast number of studies, 
including cross-cultural studies, support 
this conclusion 

Much evidence indicates that for men, 
most women, including strangers, are per- 
ceived as potential sexual partners, while 
women are more likely to perceive as po- 
tential sexual partners only men whom 


they already know. Males tend to attribute 
more sexual meaning to a wide range of 
behaviors than do females: They expect 
that women who wear “sexy” clothing de- 
sire sex, and they are more likely to inter- 
pret female friendliness as sexual interest. 

A recent survey of 289 sex therapists re- 
vealed that the most common complaint 
among couples was a discrepancy between 
partners in their desire for sex. In most 
cases, the males’ desire was greater than 
that of the females. In a 1982 study of re- 
ceptivity to heterosexual invitations by 
strangers, males and females were ap- 
proached and told by members of the op- 
posite sex that “I've been noticing you 
around campus, and 1 find you to be very 
attractive.” This statement was followed by 
one of three invitations: Would you go out 
on a date with me? Would you come to my 
apartment? or Would you go to bed with 
me? Men and women were equally likely to 
accept the date; about 50 percent said yes. 


But about 70 percent of the men were will- 
ing to go to the woman's apartment, while 
only six percent of the women accepted 
that offer. And fully 75 percent of the men 
were quite willing to go to bed with the un- 
known woman, while none of the women 
accepted that offer, That is, males were far 
more eager to go to bed with a woman they 
had just met than they were to go out on a 
date with her. 

Even the most recent studies show that 
both men and women report that it is the 
male who usually initiates the sexual be- 
haviors in which the couple engage, that it 
is usually the male who requests increased 
sexual intimacy and the females are vir- 
tually always the ones to limit a coupl 
sexual activity. Kansas State University 
psychologist and sex researcher William 
Griffitt summarizes the findings of a num- 
ber of recent studies with the observation, 
“Part of being masculine for males is sexu- 
al success, and part of being feminine for 
females is limited sexual accessibility.” 

So despite the sexual revolution, despite 
years of feminists’ pursuing 
sexual equality, the ancient pattern e 
dures: Males are the seekers and females 
the gatekeepers of sex. 

When looked at from an_ evolution. 
ary viewpoint, in terms of differing 


more than 2) 


Susan, we mustn't lie up the line. Other wives may be 
Irying to locate their husbands." 


reproduct 
makes perfe 
ndace hey puts it, "Of cc 


sense. As m 


brain doesnt know 
Women аг 


offspring that ı 
mothers had babies, our 

had babies; women alive today 
lt of a long line of women 


nnate sex dif 
westment or optimal 
з can produce few 
must invest. 


h child, 


more of their own life in es 
thus must be more selecti 
part So, in evolu 
males with lower le 
would tend to be selected for, whi 
with higher levels would tend to produce 
fewer surviving offspring, and thus to dis- 
appear from the gene pool. 

Irs easy 10 see why this is so. Females 
with lower levels of testosterone would 
tend to have less i 
would be less likely to have sex i 
ly and indiscriminately, They would be 
able to control their own sexual appetites 
id thus be able to choose their sc 
I partners more pragmatically, with an 
ld be the best 
providers and protectors of their offspring 
and showed evidence of possessing genes 
that would contribute to the successful sur- 
vival of their offspring. Also, since such a 
likely to seek other 
es for sex partners, the male she did 
c with would be more certain that any 
offspring were his, 
likely to invest his time 
of those offspring, thus incr 
chance of survival 

Females with high levels of testosterone, 
on the other hand, would have less evolu- 
success for several reasons. For ex- 
e they would tend to mate more 
му of 


choosing their sexual 
likely to become pregnant by an 
priate male—one who was gel 
desirable, less capable of 
spring or one who had no desire to care for 
any ollspring. 

On the other hand, powerful sexua 
е has clear reproductive 
s: Those males са 
aroused qu and frequently by females 
al pare 
id be more capable of taking advan- 
of those mating opportunities that 
arise than will males with little or no se 
ual desire. As we have scen, te 
level is strongly related to: 
ual desire. josterone is es: 
ale sexual arousal, and highe 
testosterone seem to produce males who 


y less 


kh 


will be more likely to seek out sexi 
ne 


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PLAYBOY 


154 


are more easily aroused and arousable, 
and more likely to engage 
ties. So, in evolutionary terms, males with 
relatively high levels of this biochemical 
would tend to be selected for 
б 

‘To reproduce, males пи 
sexually attracted to females and desire to 
have sex with them, they must actually sue- 
ceed in having sex with them. And in this 
gard, as all males quickly and painfully 
learn, there is a yawning gap between in- 
tention and reality From the male's point 
of view, there simply aren't enough females 
10 go around, and so a male must compete 
for sexual success with other sexually seek- 
ing males. In many species, this involves vi- 
cious battles between male: 

It makes sense, in evolutionary terms, 
that the same biological factors that would 
cause males to seek sex (sexual desire and 
arousal) would also provide them w 
capacity to attain sex—the capacity 
compete, physically if necessary, with other 
males for access to females. Since such 
competition can be dangerous, we would 
expect that the biological factors involved 
in seeking sex and in aggression would al- 
so be linked with danger and fear, or what 
scientists have called the “fight or flight” 


not only be 


There is much evidence that 
volved in that response. 


terone with violent criminals and other 
i l behavior provide evidence of how 
^ sion, the 
preference for dominance, can, propelled 
by too much testosterone, lead males into 
self-destructive behavior. Men who love 
war too much do not survive to reproduce, 
and males who spend their reproductive 
years behind bars are not winners in the 
reproductive sweepstakes 

Furthermore, highly or uncontrollably 
aggressive males are simply too dangerous 
for societies to have around. There is evi 
dence that females are not sexually recep- 
tive to males who are too aggressive, since 
they threaten their safety and reproduc 
tive success. Often it is the other males 
who, for their own safety and reproductive 
futures, will band together to weed out 
those berserkers. 

UCLA psychiatrist Michael McGuire has 
spent some 13 years studying patterns of. 
behavior among monkeys, and points out 
an intriguing dynamic between violence 
and dominance. The dominant male mon- 


key, he says, is not "a big bully who pushes 
everybody around. Hes just the opposite, 
really. [vs the subordinate males who are 
nd grumpy; when a male becomes 
t, all of a sudden he becomes 
benevolent, sweet. He sits with the females 
and grooms them. . . . He's less aggressive 
when he’s dominant. The fight is to get 
there, but once you're established and ev- 
erybody acknowledges your роке 
keep the peace. 

The dominant male, McGuire points 
out, “does what he wants” and has “access 
10 any resources, including the females.” 
And vet, “if you watch closely, you see that 
the females select [a subordinate] male 
that they groom with. . . . Within two 
weeks, the male favored by the females will 
be dominant. Now, do the females know 
something we don't know? 

The aggressive, “proactive” power is es- 
sential for a male’s reproductive success, 
but it is constantly confronted with the fe- 
male power to attract and select. 

D 

In any discussion of reproductive str 
gies, the question is not what males or fe- 
males “choose” to do but, rather, what 
impulses, drives and behavior patterns 
have evolved by natural selection because 
they are the types of impulses, drives and 
behavior patterns whose possessors’ genes 
tend to get multiplied most. The human 
brain, evolved by natural selection, is built 
to promote the survival of the genes that 
created it, not to understand itself or be 
conscious of its own motives. 

These reproductive strategies favored 
by evolution are not necessarily reproduc- 
tive strategies favored today—some are 
outmoded, undesirable or socially unac- 
ceptable. We are no longer hunter-gath- 
егег. But we have stopped being 
hunter-gatherers for only a few thousand 
years, and the reproductive strategies we 
may now disapprove of have been hard- 
wired into us over hundreds of thousands 
or millions of years. 

There is another type of evolution 
known as cultural evolution, which ii 
volves alterations, not encoded in genes 
but im information stored in minds, 
changes in the habits, attitudes and « 
bilities humans have acquired in society, 

Thus, while our genetic sexuality may 
be concerned with finding ways to success- 
fully propagate our own genes, cultural 
evolution is selecting strategies th 
clude somehow countermanding those 
drives and ending the catastrophic growth 
of world population. 

The only hope for humankind 
through learning, education, increased 
wisdom and heightened awareness of wha 
we are up against. Part of this essential 
wisdom must be a clear awareness of our 
own natures, our own sexual drives—how- 
ever outmoded they may be—clinging to 
us from the days when we were chasing the 
woolly mammoth across the savanna. 


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PLAYBOY 


156 


ROAD ROCKING 


(continued from page 126) 
check: To be honest, I was not that much of 
a rebel. Not quite James Dean, though we 
both grew up in Indiana, drove too fast 
and grunted a lot. I got good grades and— 
'scuse me, James—played golf. But like 
everybody else who was not a complete 
cube, I felt like James Dean. And back in 
1973, I had a rebel car, a fire-engine-red 
62 Olds 98, my saving grace. 

‘That car went zero to 60 in one giant 
leap and got ten yards to the gallon. It had 
a rainbow speedometer that bled from 
orange to red at 70. My Olds rattled like a 
tuning fork at one oh fo’ and had a hole in 
the floor to let the snow in; but it had a big 
back seat and, best of all, a Wonder Bar. 


‘The Wonder Bar was a chrome panel over 
the radio. Punch it and the tuner flashed 
up and down the dial, seeking the most 
powerful frequency. At home in Indi 
or racing a hot date to the big town two 
hours northwest, my car picked the hottest 
gnal out of the sky. It always seemed to 
settle on Chuck vs. Maybellene or fun, fun, 
fun in a |, Mustang Sally, Janis in a 
Benz, the Eagles with the bends or the 
Boss on Thunder Road. 

“Today I drive 65 and it feels fast. Lam a 
rebel in a Toyota. Still, when a road tune 
comes on the radio, | drive a little faster, 
sing along and miss my old Olds. The 
Tercel is fine for a cube car. It has acatalyt- 
ic converter and a rearavindow defogger. 
And bucket seats. But no Wonder Bar. 


DALE BROWN 


(continued from page 136) 
most prominent black families, if he was 
ashamed 10 be black. 

le couldn't understand him," says an 
LSU insider who uses the ugly term “al- 
most white" to describe Mouton. 


om broken homes, like Dale. 
They live and die basketball.” 
dest " Mouton says. 
"Coach Brown р id pushes, gets up 
in your face and m: you want to hide. I 
reacted to that by backing ofl." Mouton— 
the player whose parents "gave" him to 
Brown—has given up on etball; he 
now plays right field for the Tiger baseball 
team. Lacing up his glove before a work- 
out, he says Brown "wasn't able to break me 
down. But I u he made me a better 


father, Brown re- 
serves the right to discipline his "sons." Let 
an outsider try it and he attacks. His feuds 
with faculty, administrators, reporters and 
N.C.A.A. bureau 
end. A few y 
sor flunked Wilson, costing L 
best player. The coach called a press con- 
ference and. Browned out, raging at the 


dn 
Billy Seay the professor in question. “What 
bothered me was when he called me “cold 
and insensitive: 1 do not give out fi 
grades casually.” Seay compares giving 
for showing up in class to let- 
g clumsy scholars play basketball. “ 


of opportunity. I just happen to think he's 
wrong.” 

Brown hates the N.C.A.A.'s "урос 
al” Propositions 48 and 42, which di: 
a a st the poor, he says. Why 
should a ghetto kid be “screwed, blued and 
tattooed” for failing to do as well in school 
asa rich kid? Jocks should get applause— 
even pay—from universities, he says. You 
don't see Rhodes scholars generating mil- 
lions of dollars for their school: 

It should be pointed out that Brown has 
made a habit of recruiting players who are, 
in Seay's wor dem L 
year, he lost an N.C.A.A--record five play- 
ers to Proposition 48. Still, his hatred for 
the rule is more personal than profe 
al. He hates prejudice in an 
while he doesnt want to call hi 
bosses a pack of white suprem: 
thinks the N.C.A.A.S асай 


ic rules 


a white sheet over h 

Brown often makes 
stance, no LSU Tiger will go without food, 
health care or a decent pair of shoes, 
N.C.A.A. rulebook be damned. When 
three of his kids said they couldn't айога a 
trip to St. Louis Lo see a team 


dying of cancer, he called the N 
ing for the trip would 
“off-campus enter- 
He took the players into his 
office and drew the blinds. “I put three 
hundred dollars into each envelope. Geez, 
I felt like I was being filmed. But I gave 


Accused of running a bandit program, 
cusers' best witness. 
g about offering high 
ms $150,001 to play 


He admitted braggi 
school star John Will 
for LSU. Brow 
there was a rumor that Nevada is 
had bid $150,000 for Williams. The 
N.C.A.A., not known for its sense of hu- 
announced an investigation of LSU 


n called the boast a joke— 
Ve 


-hunt, 
Brown called it. His 
inquisitors were 


the oddest 


one of 
developments ever 
in college sport, it 
turned out that LSU 
athletic director 
Bob Brodhead, with 
Brown's indirect 
help, had bought a 
cache of electron- 
ic bugging devices 
"The bugs were to be 
installed in Brod- 


head's office on the 


felt that the fat cat from Indiana had 
stuffed him into that can. 

In 1987, Brown took his team to the 
N.C.A.A. regionals in Cincinnati. The op- 
ponent, once again, was Indiana, Late in 
the first half, Knight rumbled onto the 
court to argue an official's call. He drew a 
technical foul for leaving the bench. He 
stalked to the scorer's table and pounded a 
telephone within an inch of its life. There 
was no second T. Brown gaped in disbelief. 
The referee would later admit to being 
cowed. Knight would be reprimanded and 
fined $10,000 for his antics, but he stayed 
on the Indiana bench. At first, it didn't 
seem to matter. LSU led by nine with less 
than five minutes left in the game. Then 
Brown made the biggest mistake of his 


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After the game, says Brown, “a real bad 
thing happened to my daughter, She was 
in tears. She'd sal the [LSU] bleach 
section, and [Knight came out and] point- 
ed and said, ‘LSU, I stuck it in your Fuck- 
i ain, you fucking assholes!” 
med. He believed his program 
was better than Knights. Morally beru 
demonstrably worse on the court. Indiana 
could have the cleanest, holiest program 
on carth, but Knight was still a cheater— 
winning by intimidation was a form of 
. He challenged the Indiana coach 
to a wrestling match: "Naked, in a dark 
room, and y the best man come out 


ш. He lifts his 
chin and checks his 
reflection in the 
bathroom mirror in 
his palatial home. 
He trades his y 
sweats for a bu 
His daughter 
Robyn, 25, straight- 
ens his tie and pro- 
nounces him fit for 
public view. He has 
two hours to make it 
to New Orleans fora 
speech. He kisses 
Vonnie and hustes 
to his car. 
Fuzzbuster 
clipped to his 
rearview mirror, he 
specds southeast on 


pmmon Condom. 


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warned that he'd ex- A few years back, 


pose corruption at 
ten other schools if 
the 


земаро bas- 
cracked down 
on him. But when 
the investigation 
ended, LSU got a 
slap on the paw for minor crimes. “Little 
pieces of lint. Venial sins,” Brown called 
the violations that cost him two scholar- 
ships for a year. 


. 

Hector had Achilles. Napoleon had 
Wellington. Popeye had Bluto. Brown has 
Bob Knight. I it's truc that a m best 
defined by his enemies, Brown is a gifted 
man. In his mind, he and the obnoxious 
Indiana coach are, respective! 
George and the dragon of college 
ball 

At the 1981 N.C.A.A. tournament, Indi- 
ana beat Brown's team by 18, and Knight 
performed a post-game dunk, stufling an 
LSU fan into a trash can. Brown almost 


"Developed in conjunction with Fui latex of Japan, 


career. He told his team to hold the ball. 
‘The Tigers, passing the ball around the 
top of the key, neglected the basket, With 
ten seconds left, they led 76 
forward Ricky Calloway, sweeping through 
the lane, grabbed a loose ball and banked 
i Wilson flunked a shot at 


‘acious in 
defeat, but he can be a horrible winner. In- 
won, he said, with a “freak offe 
as nide: reference to Brown's 
" Was he worried as th 


clock ran 
[S was, he 
said. Then he'd looked down the side line, 
seen Dale Brown and known there was 
nothing to worry about. 


(© 1989 Safetex Corporation. 


he says, he realized 
that he was eating 
himself up over a 
ne. Speedi 
his office for anoth- 
er IS-hour day, he 
pulled his car to the 
side of the road. When he checked the 
rearview, he saw 50 years of scoreboards. 
Some men facing the onset of burnout 
might have taken a few days off. Not 
Brown. aced a speedboat down the 
issi; rom the rivers source i 
v Orleans. 


since, 
an adventure. He flew to 
climb the Matterhorn. He sw 
the crossing of the T nd Euphrates 
rivers, humankind's cradle. He canoed 
down the Amazon to a village where white 
men were as rare as LSU key ¢ 

i convinced him that the 
world м n a 94'x 50" strip 
of wood. Deeper conviction came when his 


157 


PLAYBOY 


158 


wife tested positive for cancer. The months 
when Vonnies life hung in the balance 
changed him for good, Brown says. He 
learned to first for her, then, after 
Vonnie recovered, for family and friends. 
His wife told him to pray for 
loved ones; a true Christian prays for his 
enemies, as well "So I tried it" says 
Brown. “That night, 1 knelt down and 
prayed for Bob Knight.” 
б 


маз са 


At the New Orleans Hilton, Brown 
presses the flesh with a crowd of Shell Oil 
marketing folk and signs autographs. He 
looks a bit like a game-show host as he 
takes the podium and stands in front of a 
gold curtain. 

In a voice so loud it makes a few mar- 
keters wince, he launches into a parable. 
True story, he says. A few years back, the 
circus came to Baton Rouge. He saw 
the elephants tethered to puny stakes in 
the ground and mal 
how such big 
such small stakes. They couldn't, the tra 
er said. But they were conditioned. As ba 
bies chained to those stakes, they had been 
too w to break free, adult elephants, 
trained to fail, they never tried. 

So is with us, he says We limit 
ourselves. We never learn that success fol- 
lows faith. Talent is attitude, whether 
you're an elephant or a basketball coach or 
a Shell Oil marketing executive. 

He lobs a purple-and-gold basketball to 


D 


wi 


er 


tonight's alley-oop man, а bespectacled 
rep, and gets a standing o» 

Brown is not satisfied. Leaving the hotel, 
he is steamed at the one loud drunk who 
chattered during his speech. It’s just too 
bad, he says, that one jerk can ruin things 
for everyone. 

He drives home in the rain. This is his 
time, he says, when the meetings, prac- 
tices, radio shows and speeches are done, 
and he has a chance to think, and to plan 
the rest of his life. There is still the m: 
of bringing LSU the national cha 
onship it deserves, and he wants to mush 
the arctic and plant an LSU flag at the 
North Pole. But tonight, he says, he is a 
fied man. 

The mood passes. “I think about the 
athletes,” he says. “The people who spend 
their time in the faculty club or a laborato- 
ry or an ivory tower cannot make decisions 
on athletes’ lives. Yet, the hypocrisy of that 
statement is, the coaches cant make those 
decisions, either. Is it because we've be- 
come comfortable with our television and 
radio shows and shoe coi ts and ball 
contracts and uniform contracts? Yes. How 
«an we look ourselves in the mirror? You 
saw the house I live in. Who built that 
house? Poor kids who believed in me and 
what I was doing. Is that fair? Let me pay 
them. No, you can't do that. But these kids 
are raped. The basic sin in the world ain't 
some guy who used the Lord's name in 
vain or ate meat on Friday or stole a candy 


ion 


ЕКЕ! 


HON To TELL WHEN A BAR IC 700 EERTE ORIENTED. 


RAT 
COSO 


s greed and bigotry.” 

r s a little harder. He 
eds up his windshield wipers. The talk 
ht, who has won three na- 


sp 
turns to Kni 
tional championships to Browns none. 
Knight, who has coached US. Pan-Ameri- 


ms (Brown has never 

said to control the 
choice of his successors at the helm of U.S. 
international te: . whom the 
new, improved Brown has prayed for, but 
who still haunts the long night of Dale 


can and Olympic te; 
been asked), and 


trary to what anybody would think. 1 am 
separated from wanting to get in a room 
d for a wrestling match. But 
са like when he said a guy could 
coach a team, he could coach. If he didn't 
Knight them, they couldn't. Who ga 
the power to Knight somebody? But the 
w that broke the camel's back was when 
1 felt he intimidated the referees to the 
point where they choked. He thought he 
was holier than the game.” 

Coach Brown squeezes the steering 
wheel. 

“I went into the arena looking for him. I 
wanted to pin him up against a wall and 
tell him, “Try me on. I represent all the 
small guys. Try me. I wanted to whip his 
ass... . 1 couldn't find him... .” 

He drives fast for a satisfied man. 


str 


Cars of Rock & Roll 


(continued from page 126) 

1955 FORD V8 CUSTOMLINE (Maybellene) 
In 1972, when role reversal and the Ea- 
gles’ Take It Easy bath caught on, the gal's 
car was a Fard truck. Naw, as the Fard/ 
Cadillac battle of the sexes grows nearly 
os ancient as the regular one, it deserves 
same traditians. Countless lyrics show the 
way: Wamen get ta cruise in Cadillacs, 
fellows in Fords. Therefore, we'll take 
Maybellenes 1955 "V8 Fo’, equipped 
with а Fordomatic transmission, Turbo- 
charge sparkplugs and Trigger Torque 
power. Given the chaice, we prefer to 
overtoke aur Cadillac-powered wamen 
in raad racks classic Ford, even if it 
daesrtt say much about our wallets. 


ROAD TEST 

Acceleration (0-60 mph): 14.5 seconds 
Top speed: 95.2 mph 
Horsepower: 162 bhp 
Average mpg: 134 
Stopping 

distance (at AN mph)- A feet 
Sex оррей 

(on a scale of 1-100): 25 
Weeks on 

charts (Maybellene): м 


1961 CHEVROLET IMPALA SS 409 (409) 

The Impala SS 409 represents Chevy's 
big break from thase Presbyterian-picnic 
autamobiles that Dinah Share sang about 
and Don Mclean drave to the levee. The 
first indicatian cf this was Chevrolet's re- 
vival af the bad-ass SS designatian (for 
Super Spart), which had been dropped by 
car makers during the war after the Nazis 
picked it for their Schutzstaffel. But as the 
Beach Bays described their Impala SS, 
with its floor-mounted faur-speed trans- 
missian, faur-barrel carb, positractian (a 
limited-slip differential that the road rock- 
ers song about aften) and a 409-cubic- 
inch V8 engine, it couldn't be tauched. 


ROAD TEST 

Acceleration (0-60 mph): 78 seconds 
Top speed: 125 mph 
Horsepower: 360 bhp 


Average mpg: ns 
Stopping 

distance (at 60 mph): NA 
Sex appeal 

(on а scale of 1-100): 85 
Weeks on 

chorts (409): 10 


1963 JAGUAR E-TYPE (Dead Man's Curve) 
Road rock has always been sort of 
ambivalent about foreign cars. Janis 
Japlin implared the Lord for a Mercedes- 
Benz and Ronny & the Daytonas’ Angla- 
American Cobra wins, but an E-lype 
Jag (ar XK-E) buys it in Dead Mans 
Curve. Even warse, raad rack considers 
the Saab taa buttoned up to mention, 
while in Robert Friedmars My Front- 
yard's a Junkyard (Funkyard), a Mercedes, 
a Volva, an Alfa and twa Rovers sit 
rotting in the weeds unrust-praafed. 
Like Ferraris, Jaguars had the kind of 
advanced performance and handling traits 
that allowed them to win in Eurapean 
rallies and raad races but didn't necessari- 
ly help either aff the line or in the quarter 
mile. So at the drag strip, domestic muscle 
cars cauld shut down their lordly Eurapean 
competition, but it was a little like Lost, 
Lonely and Vicious trouncing Banjaur 


Tristesse at а drive-in-movie festival. 
2“ 

ROAD TEST 

Acceleration (0-60 mph): 69 seconds 

Top speed: 150 mph 

Horsepower: 265 bhp 

Average mpg: 2 

Stopping 

distance (at 60 mph): NA 

Sex appeal 

(on a scale of 1-100): 7 

Weeks on 

charts (Dead Man's Curve): Ш 

1964 THUNDERBIRD (Fun, Fun, Fun) 


Sa what if the little deuce coupe will 
“walk a Thunderbird like shes standin’ 
still"? By 1964, the T-bird had gotten so fat 
that standing still was more in its nature. 
That's why we figured that the T-bird in the 
Beach Bays’ 1964 hit Fun, Fun, Fun that 
tack “an eighty-five curve like a Roman 
chariat roce” had to be an older model. 
Then we thought again. After all, chariats 
were pretty sloppy in the turns, and those 
buggies we saw in Ben-Hur were awfully 
reminiscent of Motor Trend's description of 
the 1964 Thunderbird: "Hard cornering 
found the car wallawing, shawing toa 
much bady lean and scuffing its tires. . . . 
At anything above narmal speeds, the cars 
frant end would plaw sideways in a corner, 


giving off a tremendaus amaunt of tire 
squeal and even some white smoke.” 

The perfarmance of its early days 
having gone to the happy proving 
ground, by 1964 the Thunderbird had 
become a girl car that would pravide na 
threat at the Pamona strip. In Fun, Fun, 
Fun, it did carry on the road-rack tradi- 
tion of the matorized jive turkey who 
leads guys “on a wild gaase chase.” 
Of course, this time we know that it's 
all going to stop once Dad gets back fram 
his Vertex Magneto sales canvention. 


ROAD TEST 

Acceleration (0-60 mph): 11.2 seconds 
Top speed: 105 mph 
Horsepower: 300 bhp 
‚Average mpg: n 
Stopping 

distonce (ot 60 mph): VA feet 
Sex appeal 

(оп a scale of 1-100): 70 
Weeks on 

charts (Fun, Fun, Fun): 9 
HOT-ROD ROAD ROCKERS 


Pretty much the crection of Brian 
Wilsan ond Roger Christian, hot-rod rock 
is a category of raad rock that was 
performed by such Southern Califarnia 
graups as the Beach Bays, Ranny & the 
Daytonas and Jan and Dean. With hat- 
rad racks birth in the “woodies” men- 
tianed in surfer tunes such as Surf City, its 
titles soon began appearing an the B 
sides of the big surter hits. Fascinated with 
Sixties muscle cars, hat-rod rackers 
didn't give a damn abaut Cadillacs, which 
were then beginning their wallaw inta the 
muck af dinasaur status. Instead, hot-rad 
rocks Stingrays, Pontiac GTOs and Chevy 
409s sometimes went up against the 
Jaguar XK-E, a minor player that offered 
a nice tauch of foreign competition. 

Hat-rad rockers wauldn't invest their 
cars with cultural significance any more 
than they маша laad their trunks up with 
cement. Ta understand this, yau have to re- 
member the time, the place and the people 
with whom we're dealing. This stuff was 
abaut Pomana, not Altamant—and it 
featured sun-bleached motarhead tunes 
sung by guys wha probably thought Valare 
was a good car song. Since all they 
wanted was to go fast, get girls and get 
laid, their music was usually a simple trib- 
ute to the car that beat athers so that girls 
cauld be gatten. You wanna try screwing 
same cultural significance at the beach? 
Hey, dude, whatever turns yau on, OK? 


159 


PLAYBOY 


160 


BURGLAR WHO DROPPED IN (a fom pose 128) 


“Unfortunately, “ELVIS 


STILL DEAD" is not а 


headline that sells papers.” 


She took the Scotch with her. I poured 
out what remained of my own d 
finished unpacking, took a shower. I 
into bed, and after 15 or 20 minutes, 1 got 
up and tried the door between our two 
rooms, but she had locked it on her side. I 
went back Lo bed. 


Our tour guides name was Stacy. She 
wore the standard Graceland uniform—a 
blue-and-white-striped shirt over navy 
chinos—and she looked like someone 
who'd been unable to decide whether to 
become a stewardess or a cheerleader. 
Cleverly, she'd chosen a job that com- 
bined both professions. 

"There were generally a dozen guests 
crowded around this dining table," she 
told us. “Dinner was served nightly be- 
tween nine and ten em, and Elvis always 
sat right there at the head of the table. Not 
because he was head of the family but be- 
cause it gave him the best view of the big 
color TV. Now, that's onc of fourteen TV 
sets here at Graceland, so you know how 
much Elvis liked to watch TV.” 

“Was that the regular china 
wanted to know. 

“Yes, ma'am, and the name of the pat- 
tern is Buckingham. Isn't it pretty?” 

I could run down the whole tour for you, 


someone 


but whars the point? Either you've been 
there yourself or you're planning t0 go or 
you don't care, and at the rate people are 
signing up for the tours, I dont think there 
many of you in the last group. Elvis was 
a good pool player, and his favorite game 
was rotation. Elvis ate his breakfast in the 
Jungle Room, off a cypress coffee table. 
Elvis own favorite singer was Dean Mar- 
tin. E liked peacocks, and at one time, 
more than a dozen of them roamed the 
grounds of Graceland. Then they started 
eating the paint off the cars, which Elvis 
liked even more than peacocks, so he do- 
nated them to the Memphis zoo. The pea- 
cocks, not the cars. 

There was a gold rope across the mir- 
rored st. se and what looked like an 
electric eye a couple of stairs up. “We don't 
allow tourists into the upstairs,” our guide 
chirped. “Remember, Graceland is a pri- 
vate home and Elvis’ aunt Mrs. Delta Biggs 
sull lives here. Now, 1 can tell you what's 
upstairs. Elvis bedroom is located directly 
above the living room and music room. 
His office is also upstairs, and there's Lisa 
Marie's bedroom, and dressing rooms and 
bathrooms, as well.” 

“And does his aunt live up there?” some- 
one asked. 

“No, sir. She lives downstairs, through 
that door over to your left. None of 


“Maybe you'd like our President Bush special. [ts 
kinder and gentler... .” 


us have ever been upstairs. Nobody 
goes there anymore.’ 
. 

“I bet he's up there now” Holly said. “In 
Boy, with his feet up, eating one 
famous peanut-butter-and- na 
sandwiches and watching three television 
sets at once. 

And listening to Dea 
“What do you really think 

“What do 1 really think? I think he's 
y playing three-handed 
pinochle with James Dean and Adolf 
Hitler. Did you know that Hider master- 
minded Argentina's invasion of the Falk- 
land Islands? We ran that story, but it dit 
do as well as we'd hoped.” 

“Your readers di remember Hide: 

“Hitler was no problem for them. But 
they didn't know what the Falklands were. 
Seriously, where do I think Elvis is? I think 
hes in the grave we just looked at, sur- 
rounded by his nearest and dearest. Unfor- 
tunately, ‘ELVIS srt. DEAD” is not a headlin 
that sells paper 

"I guess nol. 

We were back in my room at the Hojo, 
ng a lunch Holly had ordered from 
room service. It reminded me of our in- 
flight meal the day before luxurious but 
not terribly good. 

Well" she said brightly "have you 
ured out how we're going to get in?" 

Я the place,” 1 said. “They've got 
gates and guards and alarm systems every 
re. 1 dont know what's upstairs, but it’s 
a more closely guarded secret than Zsa Zsa 
Gabor's true age. 

“That'd be easy to find out,” Holly said. 
“We could just hire somebody to marry 
her.” 


Martin,” I si 


accland is impregnable,” I went on, 
hoping we could drop the analogy right 
there. almost as bad as Fort Knox.” 

Her face fell. “1 was sure you could find 
way in.” 

"Maybe I c 
But——" 
For one. Not for two, It'd be too risl 
for you, and you dont have the skills for it. 
Could you shinny down a gutterspout?” 

"M E had to.” 

“Well, you wont have to, because you 
won't be going in.” I paused for thought, 
“You'd have a lot of work to do," I said. “On 
the outside, coordinating things.” 

"I can handle it.” 

“And there would be expen: 
them.” 

“No problem.” 

"I'd. need a camera that can take pic- 
tures in full dark. I cant risk a flash." 

“That's easy. We can handle that 

“ГИ need to rent а helicopu 
have to pay the pilot enough to guar: 
his silence.” 

“A cinch.” 

“TI need a dive 
dramatic.” 

"I can cre 


es, plenty of 


sion. Something fairly 


e a diversion. With all the 


resources of the Galaxy at my disposal, I 
could divert a river.” 

“That shouldn't be necessary. 
this is going to cost money.” 
| “is no object.” 
. 
ə you're nd of Carolyn, 
Leeds said. “She's wonderful, isn't she 
know, she and I are the next closest thing 
to blood kin." 
'Ohz" 

“A former lover of hers and a former 
lover of mine were brother and sister. Well, 
sister and brother, actually. So that makes 
Carolyn my something-in-law, doesn't it?” 
1 guess it must.” 
‘Of course,” he said. 
1 must be related to half t 
Sul, Pm real fond 
of our Carolyn. And 
if 1 can help 
you.. 

1 told him wha 
I needed. Lucian 


But all of 


by the same token, 
ie known world. 


Leeds was an interi 
or decorator and 


tiques. “OF course, 
I've been to Grace- 
land,” he said. 
“Probably a 
times, because 
whenever 


is 


dozen 


orar 
that's where one has 
to take them. It’s 
an experience. that 
somehow 
раі" 

"| dont suppose 
you've ever been on 
the second floor." 

“No, nor have I 
been presented at 
court. Of the two, I 
suppose I'd prefer 
the second floor 
at Graceland, One 
cant help wonder- 
ing, can one?” He 
dosed his eyes, 
concentraung. “My 
imagination is be- 
ginning to work,” he 
announced. 
sive it free rein.” 
1 know just the house, too. It's off Route 
ty-one across the state line, just this side 
of Hernando, Mississippi. Oh, and I know 
someone with an Egyptian piece that 
would be perfect. How soon would every- 
thing 


never 


barely possible. Just barely. 1 really ought 
to have a week to do it right" 
“Well, do it as right as vou can.” 

IM need trucks and schleppers, of 
course. ГЇЇ have rental charges to pay. of 
course, and ГЇ have to give something to 
the old girl who owns the house. First I'll 
have to sweet-talk her, but there'll have to 


be something tangible in it for her, as well, 
I'm afraid. But all of this is going to cost 
you money.” 

That had a familiar ring to it. 1 almost 
got caught up in the rhythm of it and told 
him money was no object, but I managed 
to restrain myself. If money weren't the ob- 
ject, what was I doing in Memphis? 

. 

"Heres the camera,” Holly said. “Irs all 
loaded with infrared film, No flash, and 
you can take pictures with it at the bottom 
of a coal mine.” 

“Thats good,” 1 said, "because that’s 
probably where ГЇ wind up if they catch 
me. We'll do it the day after tomorrow. To- 
days what—Wednesday? I'll go in Friday: 

“I should be able 10 give you a terrific 


onest 


comple 
зс ын 


without it. 


8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky 


KENTUCKY STRAIGHT EOURBONWHSKEY ALL. BY VOL 505% AUSTIN NICHOLS DISTILLING CO. LAWRENCEBURG KY © 1989 


div 


1 hope so," 1 


aid. “ГИ probably need 


. 
Thursday morning, 1 found my heli- 
copter pilot. “Yeah, I could do it," he said. 
“Cost you two hundred dollars, though. 
“I'll give you five hundred. 
head. “One thing I never 
do,” he s get to haggling over prices. 
1 two hundred, and — Wait a darn 


eall the time you need.) 
werent haggling me down.” he 
“You were haggling me up. I never 
heard tell of such a thi 
“I'm willing to pay extra,” I said, "so 


that you'll tell people the right story after- 
ward. If anybody asks.” 

“What do you want me to tell em?” 

“That somebody you never met before 
in your lite paid you to fly over Graceland, 
hover over the mansion, lower your rope 
ladder, raise the ladder and then fly away.” 

He thought about this for a full minute. 
“But that’s what you said you wanted me to 
do,” he said. 


youre fixing to pay me an extra 
three hundred dollars just 10 tell people 
the truth.” 

If anybody should ask.” 

You figure they will?” 
They might,” I said. “It would be best if 
you said it in such а way that they thought 

you were lying.” 

iorhing ro it,” he 
said. “Nobody ске 
believes a word 1 say 
Fm a pretty honest 
guy but | guess 1 
don't look it.” 

“Jou dor 
said. “Thats why 1 
picked you.” 


and | di 
and took a cab 
downtown to thc 


Peabody The res- 
taurant there was 
named Dux, and 
they had canard au: 
cerises on the menu, 
but it seemed cur 
ously sacrilegi 
have it there. We 
both ordered the 
blackened redfish 
She had two rob 
rovs first, most of 
the dinner wine and 
a stinger. | had a 


is to 


bloody ary for 
openers, and my 
after-dinner drink 


was collee. I felt like 
acheap date, 
Afterward, we 
went back to my 
room and she 
worked on the Scotch while we discussed 
uegy From time to time, she would put 
k down and kiss me, but as soon as 
mened to get interesting, she'd 
nd pick up 
ach for her 


things th 
draw away and cross her legs 
her pencil and note pad and r 
drink 

"You're a tease," I said. 

“Lam not," she ins 
you know, save it. 

“For the wedding?" 

“For the celebration. After we get the 
pictures, after we carry the day. You'll be 


T want to, 


the conquering hero and Fl throw roses at 


your feet 
“Ros 
“And myself. 1 figu 


161 


> 


PLAYEO 


162 


suite at the Peabody and never leave the 
room except to see the ducks. You know, we 
never did see the ducks do their famous 
walk. Can't you just picture them waddling 
across the red carpet and quacking their 
heads off ?" 

“Cant you just picture what they go 
through cleaning that carpet?” 
She pretended not to have heard me. 
"m glad we didn't have duckling,” she 
said. “It would have seemed cannibalisti 
She fixed her eyes on me. Shed had 
enough booze to induce a coma in a 600- 
pound gorilla, but her eyes looked as clear 
as ever. “Actually,” she said, “I'm very 
strongly attracted to you, Bernie. But I 


want to wait. You can understand that, 


cant you 

“L could," | said gravely, “if 1 knew I was 
coming back.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“It would be great to be the conquering 
hero,” I said, “and find you and the roses 
at ms feet, but suppose I come home on my 
shield instead? 1 could get killed out 
there.” 

“Are you serious?” 

“Think of me as a kid who enlisted the 
day after Pearl Harbor, Holly And you're 
his girlfriend, asking him to wait until the 
war's over. Holly, what if that kid doesnt 
come home? What if he leaves his bones 
bleaching on some little hell hole in the 
South Pacific?” 

“Oh, my God,” she said. "I never 
thought of that” She put down her pencil 
nd note pad. “You're right, damn it. Lama 
tease. I'm worse than that.” She uncrossed 
her legs. “I'm thoughtless and heartless 
Oh, Bernie!” 

“There, there,” I 


aid. 

. 

aceland closes every evening at six. At 
precisely 5:30 Friday afternoon, a girl 


named Moira Beth Calloway detached her- 
self from her tour group. “I'm coming, 
Elvis!” she cried, and she lowered her head 
and ran full speed for the staircase. She 
was over the gold rope and on the sixth 
step before the first guard laid a hand on 
her, 

Bells rang. 


led and all hell 
broke loose. ling me,” Moira 
Beth insisted, her eyes rolling wildly “He 
needs me, he wants me, he loves me tender. 
Get your hands off me. Elvis! I'm coming, 
Elvis!" 

LD. in Moira Већ» purse supplied her 
name and indicated that she was I7 years 
old and a student at Mount St. Joseph 
Academy in Millington, Tennessee. That 
was not strictly true, in that she was actual- 
ly 22 years old, a member of Actors’ Equity 
and a resident of Brooklyn Heights. Her 
name was not Moira Beth Calloway, either. 
її was (and still is) Rona Jellicoe, I think it 
n have been something else in the dim 
dark past before it became Kona Jellicoe, 
but who cares? 

While a variety of people, many of them 
wearing navy chinos and blue-and-white- 
striped shirts, did what they could to calm 
Moira Beth, a middle-aged couple in the 
Pool Room went into their act. "A the 
man cried, clutching at his throat. “Air! I 
cant breathe!” And he fell down, flailing at 
the wall, where Stacy had told us some 750 
yards of pleated fabric had been installed. 

“Help him,” cried his wife. “He can't 
brearhe! Hes dying! He needs air!" And 
she ran to the nearest window and heaved 
it open, setting off whatever alarms hadn't 
already been shrieking over Moira Beth's 
assault on the staircase. 

Meanwhile, in the TV Room, done in 
the exact shades of yellow and blue used in 
el had 


“I never cheated on my wife until she deserved it!” 


raced across the rug and was now perched 
on the jukebox. “Look at that awful squir- 
rel!” a woman was screaming. “Somebody 
get that squirrel! He's gonna kill us all!” 

Her fear would have been harder to 
credit if people had known that the poor 
rodent had entered Graceland her 
handbag and that she'd been able to re- 
lease it without being seen because of the 
commotion in the oth: Her fear 
was contagious, though, and the people 
who caught it weren't putting on an act. 

In the Jungle Room, where Elvis’ Moody 
Blue album had been recorded, a woman 
fainted. Shed been hired to do just that, 
but other unpaid fainters were dropping 
like flies all over the mansion. And while 
all of this activity was hitung its absolute 
peak, a helicopter made its noisy way 
through the sky over Graceland, hovering 
for several long minutes over the roof. 

The security staff at Graceland couldn't 
have been better. Almost immediately, two 
men emerged from a shed carrying an ex- 
tension ladder, and in no time at all. they 
t propped against the side of the 
ing. One of them held it while the 
other scrambled up it to the roof. 

By the time the security man got there, 
the helicopter was going pocketa-pocheta- 
pocketa and disappearing off to the west. 
‘The man raced around the roof but didn't 
nyone. Within the next ten minutes, 
two others joined him on the roof and 
searched it thoroughly. They found a 
sneaker, but that was all they found. 

А 


room. 


see 


Ata quarter to five the next morning, I 
let myself into my room at Howard John- 
son's and knocked on the door to Holly's 
room. There was no response. 1 knocked 
again, louder, then gave up and used the 
phone. 1 could hear it ringing in her room, 
but evidently she couldi 

So I used the skills God gave me and. 
opened her door. She was sprawled out on 
the bed, with her clothes scauered where 
she had flung them. The TV was on and 
some guy with a sports jacket and an [pana 
le was explaining how you could get 
cash advances on your credit cards and buy 
penny stocks, an enterprise that struck me 
as а lot riskier than burglarizing mansions 
by helicopter. 

Holly didn't want to wake up, but when I 
got past the veil of sleep, she came to as if 
transistorized. One moment she was com- 
atose and the next she was sitting up, eyes 
bright, an expectant look on her fac 
“Well?” she demanded. 

“L shot the whole roll." 

“You got in." 

“Uh-huh.” 

“And you got out.” 

“Right again.” 

“And you got the pictures!” She clapped 
her hands, giddy with glee. “I knew it,” 
she said. “I a positive genius to think 
of you. Oh, they ought to give me a bo- 
nus, a raise, a promotion. Oh, I bet 1 get a 


smi 


Where and How to Buy 


To buy the apparel and accessories shown on 
poges 80-87, check listings below to locate the 
store nearest you. You may also contact the mon- 
ufocturers directly for information on where to 
purchase their merchandise in your area. 


Page 80: Suit, shirt and tie by Hugo Boss, 212- 
935-5353. Cloppers, Riverside, New Jersey: 
British Americon House, NYC; Steigler, Los 
Angeles. 


Page 81: Suit by Luciano Soproni, 212-629- 
6100. Luciano Soprani Boutique, Los Angeles; 
Jeraz, Chicogo; Allure, Philadelphia. Shirt and 
tie by Lozo, 212-371-2040. Charivari, NYC; 
Mario's. Portland, Oregon: Kilgoure Trout, 
Clevelond. 


Page 82: Vintage Rolex ot Time Will Tell, NYC, 
212-861-2663. Agenda by De Vecchi, 212-758- 
9770. Bergdorf Goodman, NYC: Ultimo, Chi- 
cogo; Wilkes Bashford, Son Francisco. Esquire 
watch by Movado, 212-397-7800. All Sok's 
locations. Leboeuf fountain pen available ot 
Chivzac Gallery, NYC, 212-832-2233. Cuff 
Links by the 15 Collection, NYC, 212-307-5090. 
Stoinless-steel watch by Ebel, NYC, 212-888- 
3235. Alligator agenda by De Vecchi, 212-758- 
9770. Bergdorf Goodman, NYC; Ultimo, 
Chicago; Wilkes Boshford, San Francisco 
Antique fountain pen available at Chiuzoc Gol- 
ery, NYC, 212-832-2233. Sterlingsilver watch 
by Bulgari, NYC, 212-486-0086. 


Page 83: Three-piece suit, shirt ond tie from 
Polo by Rolph Lauren, 212-603-2911. Suit: Polo/ 
Ralph Louren NYC, Chicago, Beverly Hills. Shirt 
‘ond tie: Polo/Ralph Lauren West Palm Beach, 
Birminahom, Sacramento. Pocket square by Fer- 
rell Reed, 717-299-1547. Available ot fine meris. 
stores. Pocket watch available at Chivzoc 
Gallery, NYC, 212-832-2233. 


Page 84: Suit, shirt ond tie by Bill Robinson, 
212-972-2800. Bloomingdale's, NYC. Pocket 
square by Ferrell Reed, 717-299-1547. Available 
at fine men’s stores. 


Page 85: Mustard-suede shoe by Giorgio 
Armani. Giorgio Armani Boutiques; Maroclo 
Shops, 212-869-0499: NYC, Beverly Hills; Bar- 
ney's, NYC. Brown leather, tan convas shoe by 
Chorles Jourdan Monsieur, 212-421-4250 
Chorles Jourdan, NYC. Brown leather shoe by 
Cole-Hoon, 207-846-3721. Availoble ot fire 
men's stores. Chestnut colf/cotmeol shoe from 
Aldo Brué by Nancy Knox, 212-674-9287. 
Wilkes Boshford, San Francisco; Perkins 
Shearer, Denver; Gormony, Redbank, New 
Jersey. 


Page 86: Sports coat and shirt by Shamask, 
212-398-1710. Bergdorf Goodman, NYC; 
Macy's; I. Magrin. Trousers by Verri, 212-772- 
0777. Verri: NYC, Mortreal, Los Angeles. Tie by 
Alcione from Giacomo, 212-245-4015. Tie bar 
by Anne Klein Men, 212-977-9260. |. Magnin, 
Son Francisco; Sak's, NYC; Marshall Field, 
Chicago 


Page 87: Sports coat, trousers and tie by Freed- 
berg of Boston, 212-246-4400. Jacket and 
Louis, Boston, NYC; Daniel Taylor, Dallas; 
Nieman Marcus Stores. Pants: Jay Worth, Los 
Angeles; Rober Todd, Boston. Shirt by Joseph 
Abboud, 212-586-9140. Wilkes Boshford, San 
Francisco; Sak's, NYC; Marshall Field, Chicago. 


company Cadillac next year instead of a 
lousy Chevy. Oh, I'm on a roll, Bernie, I 
swear I'm on a roll!" 

That's gr 

“You're limping,” she said. “Why are you 
limping? Because you've got only one shoe 
on, that’s why What happened to your oth- 
er shoe?” 

“1 lost it on the roof." 

"God," she said. She got off the bed 
began picking up her clothes 
floor and putting them oi 
when I saw them race up the ladder, 1 
thought you were 
getaway fror 


^| bet. And you managed to get down 
onto the second floor? And into his bed- 
room? What's it like?” 

“I dont know.” 

“You dont know? Weren you in there?” 

"Not until it was pitch-dark. I hid in a 
hall closet and locked myself in. They gave 
the place a pretty thorough search, but no- 
body had a key to the closet. I dont think 
there is one; I locked it by picking it. I let 
myself out somewhere around two in the 
morning and found my way into the bed- 
room. There was enough light to keep 
from bumping into things but not enough 
to tell what it was I wasn't bumping into. I 
just walked around pointing the camera 
and shooting.” 

She wanted more details, but 1 don't 
tion to 


think she paid very much ati 
them. 1 was in the middle of a sentence 
when she picked up the phone 
plane reservation to Miami 

“They've got me on a ten-twenty flight,” 
she said. "I'll get these right into the office 
and we'll get a check out to you as soon as 
they're developed. What's the matter?” 

“L don't think I want a check,” E said. 
“And I dont want to give you the film with- 
out getting paid.” 

“Oh, come on,” she said. “You 
for God's sake.” 

Why don't you trust me, instead?” 

“You mean pay you without seeing what 
we're paying for? Bernie, youre a burg! 
How can I trust you? 

“You're the Weekly 
body can trust you.” 

“You've got a point,” she said. 

“We'll get the film developed here, 
said. “I'm sure there are some good com 
mercial photo labs in Memphis that can 
handle infrared film. First you'll call your 
office and have them wire cash here or set 

p an interbank transfer, and a 
you see what's on the film, 1 hand 
over the money. You can even fax them one 
of the prints first to get approval, if you 
think that'll make a difference 

"Oh. they'll love that,” she said. “My boss 
it when | fax him stuff” 

n 
s what happened," I told 
“The pictures came out really 


can trust 


Galaxy,” Y said. *No- 


soon as 


love 


"And tl 
Carolyn 


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beautifully I don't know how Lucian Leeds 
turned up all those Egyptian pieces. but 
they looked great next to the Forties Wur- 
ukebox and the seven-foot statue of 
Mickey Mouse. 1 thought Holly was going 
to die of happiness when she realized the 
thing next to Mickey was a sarcophagus. 
She couldn't decide which tack to take— 
that he's mummified and they're keeping 
hii it or that he's alive and really weird 
nd uses it for a bed 
“Maybe they can have a reader poll. Call 
inc-hundred number and vote.” 
‘You wouldnt believe how loud he 
copters are when you're inside them. 1 just 
dropped the ladder and pulled it back in 
. And tossed an extra sneaker onto 
the rool 
“And wore its mate when you saw Holly.” 
“Yeah, I thought a little v. 
wouldn't hurt. The chopper pilot dropped 
me back at the hangar and I caught a 
down to the Burrell house in Mississippi. | 
walked around the room Lucian had deco- 
rated for the occasion, admis 
thing, then turned out all th 
took my pictures. They'll be runn 
best ones in the Galaxy.” 
“And you got paid.” 
Twenty-five grand. 
happy, and 1 didn't ste: 
Galaxy got some great pi 


lights and 
ng the 


readeı 


s get a peek at 
er seen before.” 

“And the folks at Graceland?” 

“They got a good security drill,” 1 said. 
“Holly created a peach of a diversion to 
hide my entering the building, and that 
fact should stay hidden forever. Most of the 
Graceland people have never seen F 


bedroom, so they'll think the photos are 
legit. The few who know better will just 
figure my pictures didn't come out, or th 
they werent exciting enough, so the 
Galaxy decided to run fakes instead. Any- 
body with any sense figures the whole pa- 
pers a fake, anyway, so what difference 
does it make?” 

Was Holly a fake 

“Not really Га say shes an authentic 
specimen of what she is. Of course, her lit- 
tle fantasy about a hot weekend watching 
the ducks blew away with the morning 
mist. All she wanted to do was get ba 
Florida and collect her bonus.” 

“So it's just as well you got your bo 
ahead of time. You'll hear fr 
the next time the Galaxy needs glar. 

“Well, Га do it aga “My moth- 

ays hoping I'd go into jour: 
1 wouldn't have waited so long il 
known it would be so much fun." 

“Yeah,” she said. 

“Whats the matter?" 

“Nothing, Bern. 

“Come on. What is it? 

“Oh, 1 don't know. 1 just wish, you know, 
that you'd gone in there and got the real 
pictures. He could be in there, Bern. I 
mean, why else would they make such a big, 
thing out of keeping people out of there? 
Did vou ever stop to ask yourself that?" 

"Carolyn —" 

“I know,” she said. “You think I'm nuts. 
But there are a lot of people like me. 
Bern.” 

“Irs a good thing," I told her. “Where 
would American journalism be without 
yo 


“Now, that would never get out of committee!” 


JOHN LARROQUETTE 


(continued from page 105) 
LARROQUETTE: A good supply of artichoke 
hearts and a dark and stormy night. 
[Smiles] 1 can see you want me to explai 
He uses the artichoke hearts as an aphro- 
disiac. It’s an ancient English custom. And 
the d: nd stormy night is because that's 


probably the light he would feel best i 
9. 
riavwoy: What sexual warnings did you get 


at Catholic school that you've since 
ered were valid? 

LARROQI *: Before 1 answer that, let 
comb the hair on my palm. Unfortunatel 
1 won't really know if they were right 
most of the stull until I die. Grammar 
school was all nuns, and we never talked 
bout sex. They didn't even seem much 
like women to me, so it never entered my 
mind that they would know anything 
about it. When I got to Holy Cross, which 
was all Holy Cross brothers, they concen- 
trated on violence more than sex—by 
demo g the best way to bruise an 
arm or to tweak an ear, or to cause welts to 
form on a ten-year-old boys throat. The 
hand, not the ruler, was the weapon of 
choice. | had a math tea 
nails of his ring finger and thumb would 
grab the smallest amount of skin he could 
on your ear lobe and just start squeezing 
and asking [in a whiny voice], “Why didnt 
you do your math homework? That's not 
very good.” I'm sure there was some sort 
of subliminal programing going on: They 
could tell you anything im that state; it 
would lie in your unconscious mind, and at 
some point in your lile, you might wind up 
in a bell tower and wonder why. 


10. 


rLAYbOY: You lost your virginity in a N 
Orleans park, and you had the Heimlich 
maneuver performed on you in. Toronto. 
Compare and contrast the two. 
LARROQUETTE: The difference was that on 
the former occasion, I was in the rear posi- 
поп, and on the latter, I was in front 


PLAYBOY: Do you know what it means to 
miss New Orleans? How did you react 
when you could get blackened food at 
places like Denny's? 

LARROQUETTE: The answer to your first 
question is yes. It means that at four o'clock. 
in the morning, yo n't go out and get a 
great po’ boy. You alk fifty feet from 


соу 


пс 


icr who with the 


your apartment and be in a place where 
some one-hundred-year-old black guy is 
making love to a saxophone, and you cant 


for an hour as the sun comes up and lis- 
ten to him talk to himself through his 
reed. It also means being able to take a 
shower, towel off and stay dry 

T was glad to see the city's unique culture 
recognized, even though you could get a 


blackened taco at Taco Bell. But generally, 
1 was very cynical and, at times, violent in 
restaurants that daimed to be Creole or 
Cajun. My wife refused to go out with me 
after a while. This was years ago, when I 
was still drinking. 1 would set myself up 
for it. 1 would go in and order food to be 
an asshole. И was my plan to show people 
how stupid they were. Of course, most of 
the Cajun food you could get in Los Ange- 
les was like Creole gone MGM. It was all 
beautiful and pretty—but too spicy. As 
with Vietnamese food, with Cajun food, 
the spices are put on the fable and you can 
help yourself. There's something about the 
water, too. You cant duplicate the mud 
from the Mississippi, and that really has a 
lot to do with the way things taste. 


12. 


pLavnow: Describe a hangover in the most 
complete terms possible. 

LARROQUETTE: It would be like the story of 
a man waking up in bed, nude, with his 
s resting on his cheekbones, turning 
over in bed and seeing another man. Try- 
ing to push his stomach back down from 
his throat, he wakes the other man up and 
ays, "I dont know where I am; ] dont 
know why Im here; 1 don’t know what I 
did, but I have to ask you a question: Last 
night, did I perform a homosexual act?” 
And the other man looks at him and says, 


“No. Liberace performs a homosexual act 
You just sucked my cock.” 


13. 


TLAYBOY: What's your most memorable line? 
LARROQUETTE: In Siripes, when 1 was look- 
ing through my binoculars at the ladies’ 
shower, I said, “I wish I wasa loofah.” Ivan 
Reitman, the said, "Whats a 
loofah?” Yet it stayed in the film. Now peo: 
ple regularly walk up and за 
a loofah.” Humor is often just how a word 
sounds, regardless of its meaning. In a 
movie I did last year, I even named a secre- 
tary Loofah 


director 


I wish 1 was 


M. 


PLAYBOY: You collect rare books. Tell us 
how you go about it 

1ARROQUET TE: I collect mostly modern first 
editions. I pick particular authors and try 
to get an entire collection of their works. I 
find myself buying some stuff just because 
it may be a good price at the time, or I sce 
something signed that’s nice. The person I 
have a fairly definitive collection of now is 
Robinson Jeffers—almost all of his stuff in 
galley form and very rare first forms. A lot 
of his stall is so old and wasn't made very 
well, except the special publications. And it 
seems like I concentrate—unintentional- 
ly—on authors whose names begin with 
the letter B: Samuel Beckett, Ch. 


Bukowski, Anthony Burgess, William Bur- 
roughs. Samuel Beckett is the author who 
started me collecting. I was doing a play 
nd happened to see a collection of his 
works by Grove Press, a limited edition 
they put out in 1970 of all of his stuff 


15. 


rivhoy: How do you wake up? 

LARROQUETTE: Reluctantly. When Pin first 
waking up, its like floating up through 
that M. C. Escher world. I haven't really 
emerged from under the surface yet. Any- 
body could stick ice picks in my nose, and I 
wouldn't be able to stop him. On location, I 
always make my wake-up call a half hour 
before | have to getup. At home, it's easy to 
wake up when my two-year-old has the first 
two knuckles of his index finger up my 
cranium. I roll back over and I just, you 
know, cuddle mysell. I love being in that 
state of half-consciousness. | spent most of 
my teenage years that way, so it seems ap- 
propriate that | would have a penchant for 
it. What usually happens is that I will sleep 
il the last possible minute, and then ina 
panic jump out of bed, get into the shower, 
get ready and leave. Even then, I will not 
really be awake. 1 prefer to wake up with 
my wife's coming upstairs in the morning 
with a huge pot of Darjeeling or English 
breakfast tea, some scones and strawberry 


SWISHER 
SWEETS 


Swisher Littles, 20 For Under A Buck: 


*Most states, depending upon taxes. 


PLAYBOY 


166 


jam and butter, the mor 
just a little petroleum jelly 
16. 

rraveoy: When’ the last 
hand that led you? 

LARROQUETTE: Probably asa d. 
leans in the late Sixties. I didn't have the 
most well-defined work ethic at the 
had a job at a radio station, а 
that I wanted to go to Colorado and I 
didn't inform them of such. I finished my 
show, said good night to the relief jock and 
the morning, be- 
cause 1 have some commercials to do be- 
fore my show,” and the next morning got 
into my car and left for Colorado. 1 owe 
them an apology. So to Joe Costello at 


g paper and 


me you bit the 


WRNO in New Orleans: “Sorry. Joe, 1 
won't be in for my show today: 

n 
payrov: What would you title your autobi- 


ography? 
ARROQUETTE: A working title has been 7 
Didn't Mean It, Really. Sid Caesar already 
took one that was apropos: When Have 1 
Been? But now I have a new one. I was 
standing with my wife one night with a 
group of people—my agent, my publicist, 
my assistam—who were all females. My 
wife looked at me and said, “This is when 


you're hap її it, when you're sur- 
rounded by all your tarts?" So I thought 
good title would be Parts and Tarts: One 
Actors Life. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: How do you measure success on a 
good day and on a bad day? 

LARROQUETTE: On a good day, | measure 
success by being able to finish the d al- 
izing that I didn't truly offend anyone and 
I didn't take advantage of anyone, and I 
gave some part of myself to whatever proc- 
ess I was in that day—be it work or play. 
nd on a bad day, I measure success by the 


number of zeros on the check. 

19. 
m.aysov: Describe Dan Fielding's dream 
date. 


PLAYBOY: Your mom was in labor for seven- 


ty-two hours when she had you. What do 
you get her every Mother's Day to say 
thanks? 
LARROQUETTE: 
monds. 


New underwear and dia- 


“Not tonight, Jimmy. I'm wearing my ‘No nonsense’ panty hose!” 


LIQUID ASSETS 


(continued from page 100) 


premium. blends exotic, regional 
names such as Laphroaig, Auchentoshan 
and Usquaebach. 

When customers began ordering such 


Scohes, upscale bars and restaurants 
started stocking them as they might rare 
old Bordeaux and Burgundies. New Yo 

Windows on the World, for example. offers 
more than 80 Scotches of the approxi- 
ely 175 sold in the United St 
Many factors go into making one Scotch 


Dilmore SOsjearld; which was рит тө 
casks back in 1926 (while America was still 
in the grip of Prohibition). Currently, there 
only one bottle of it in the United States, 
at Dugan's Restaurant in Atk Е you 
can get your hands on another bottle, it 
will set you back about $3500. And those 
few connoisseurs who have tasted Ballan- 
e's 30-year-old ($275) concur that it is 
one of the finest spirits in the world. 

Somewhat more affordable for the aver- 
age imbiber is Pinch 15-Year-Old pr 
blend (about $20), in the distinctiv 
pled bottle, and Royal Salute ($75)—a 2 
year-old blended whisky first made by 
Chivas Regal in 1953 to commemorate the 
coronation of Queen Elizabeth П. 

Some Scotches have taken on near cult 
status because of their rarity and expense. 
Johnnie Walker, well known for its Red 
and Black Label brands, makes a mellow, 
distinctive Scotch named Swing ($28) that 
is seldom even advertised, yet aficionados 
seck it outand buy up every boule they can 
get their hands on. The Macallan High- 
land Single Malt 25-year-old retails for 
$125 and up double that figure for the 
crystal-decanter bottling), vet there is nev- 
er enough to stake the world’s thirst for 
beautifully 
ку: 

Last of all, there 
otches 


ап idea until recently 
disdained by distillers who prided them- 
selves on the art of blen« kies from. 
s' production. But the current 
sire for more unusual bouling has 
turned vintage dating into an effective 
marketing tool, and the more descriptive 
the label, the more aficionados seem to love 
‘The labels on Knockando single mahs 
not only tell you the season of the distilla- 
tion but give you the year of bottling, too. 
Its Extra Old Reserve 4 goes for about 
$100 a bottle. And for the first time in its 
history, the renowned Highland producer 
Glenmorangie (whose fine ten-year-old 
single malt sells for about $23) last year re- 
leased а 1963 vintage that. unique in all 
the world, was matured in two different 
wood casks—first for 22 years in Ameri- 
can oak bourbon casks, then for 18 months 


casks used to age Spanish oloroso sher- 
ry. Its price tag is about $150. 


LT 


There has been quite a turnaround in 
terest in Irish whiskey since the day 
when it was thought best used for Irish cof- 
fee. Today, most of the Irish whiskeys once 
sold in this country have long departed 
these shores. In their place, expensive pre- 
mium Irish whiskeys have taken on real 
clout among connoisseurs, none more so 
than Jameson 1780 12-year-old ($23), 
Bushmills ($15) and the gloriously rich 
and complex Black Bush ($27), which 
more resembles a fine cognac than it does a 
traditional Irish whiskey And Midleton 
Very Rare sells for about $100. Only 1000 
cases are made annually for world-wide 
consumption and each boule is dated and 
numbered and signed by the distiller. 


SKEY 


BOURBON 


Bourbon sales have been dropping for 
years, but there is renewed, growing inte: 
est in Kentucky corn liquor as produc 
work to come up with premium bottling of 
this all-American spirit. The first was a 
small but historic distillery out of Loretto, 
Kentucky, named Makers Mark ($15), 
which made a smoother, less biting bour- 
bon in small, controlled batches. Its sales 
have soared, and others have 
imped onto the premium band w 
Jim Beam has brought out a sever 
90-proof bourbon (three years olde 
its regular bottling) on a limited basi 
while Blanton has launched a single-barrel 
bourbon, meaning it is not blended with 
any other bourbons and may come from a 
cask that is ten or 12 years old. 


TENNESSEE AND CANADIAN Wi 


For years, Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 and 
George Dickel Old No. 12 pretty much 
split the small ‘Tennessee whiskey market 
between them. Then, two years ago, Jack 
Daniel Distillery shook things up by intro- 
ducing a new spirit called Gentleman Jack 
($23), the only whiskey in the world to be 
mellowed through charcoal twice (once be- 
fore and once after the aging process) to 
achieve a rounder, richer taste, with less 
hotness on the throat. Gentlem: k is 
already so sought after that people drive 
directly to the distillery in Lynchburg and 
beg for a bottle. 

Canadian whiskies, long regarded as 
good mi , are now also coming into 
their own as spirits to be savored slowly 
dian Club Classic ($17), a genteel 
with velvety undertones, 15 
ullied by anything but 
vater or ice or served in a snifter, Crown 
Royal, too, has a loyal following. 


RUM 


Light rums still sell well in the United 
States, mainly 
tadas and daiquiris. But what sophisticated 
aribbeans have long known, Americans 
are now waking up 10—the very distinct, 


robust, almost chewy flavors of aged rums. 
And their variety, from island to island, 
country to country, is amazing. The rums 
of a are as different [rom the rums 
of Puerto Rico as the sports cars of Ger- 
many are from those of Italy. Star Reserve 
15-Year-Old Barbancourt Rhum ($24) i: 
dark, smoky and faintly sweet, bespeaking 
its Haitian origins. Venezuela's Pampero 
Ron Anejo Anniversario ($25), which 
comes wrapped in a leather sack, has a 
depth of aroma and flavor to rival a 
vintage Armagnac, Appleton Estate of Ja- 
са makes two superb, new premium 
ms—Appleton Estate VX and Appleton 
ate Extra. Bacardi's Anejo and Barrili 
tos Three-Star from Puerto Rico have 
achieved a status among rum drinkers few 
others can match. And for the truly esoter- 
theres a new Australian white rum 
med Stubbs that retails for about $15. 


TEQUILA 


Tequila has gone way beyond its image 
as a fast-draw liquor to be knocked back 
with a lick of salt. These days, people are 


sniffing out exotic tequilas with individual 
flavors, refinement and nuance, with none 
of that gr teeth rawness that charac- 
ill botüing. Elegant 


are selling well; while the legendary Chi- 
30), of which only 2500 cases a year 
e, is rarely found north of the bor- 
der. One place 10 look is the Cadillac Bar & 
Restau San Francisco, which stocks 
30 tequilas and where at least 70 percent of 
the customers order th 

The best tequilas are made with a high 
proportion of the blue agave plant, double- 
distilled to drive out impurities and then 
aged. This is the proc 
Anejo ($20), aged two 
barrels before bouling, resulting in 
enormous depth and breadth of flavo 


VODKA 


Vodka, to most people, may be the 
d most amenable mixer among 
, by its very definition, 
n vodka must be a colorless, 


“Too tall to be a jockey and too short to 
play basketball, I turned out to be exactly the right 
height for an account executive.” 


167 


PLAYBOY 


168 


odorless, tasteless spirit. But the upscale 
trend is clearly toward more full-bodied, 
ious, boldly flavorful vodkas. espe- 
broad, such as Absolut, 
Denaka, Tanqueray Sterling, Icy and 
ndia. Indeed, some of the most interest- 
ing vodkas are actually favored with 
ents such as lemon and peppers 
rse, many connoisseurs consider 
only Russia and Poland the true repe 
ries of vodka lore and legend, carried on 
by such vodkas as Luksusowa, Zytnia, 
Wyborowa and Stolichnaya. Stolis new 
C IE ($21), which is said to be made 
from only the finest winter wheat. and 
hiltered f ity, already has its 
devotee: neutral spirit from 
Russia with a distinctive grass-green color, 
fine aroma and wonderful herbal taste, is a 
delicious new entry in the market. 


ах 


Gin is basically a flavored alcohol, de- 
pendent for its flavoron botanicals that im- 
part delicacy and balance. So the better 


the quality and mixture of ingredients, the 
better the gin, exemplified in Bombay 
Sapphire Gin ($21), which is made with a 
monds, grains of paradise, lemon peel, 

juniper berries, cubeb he 
nd cassi 


COGNACS AND ARMAGNACS 


Both cognac and Armagnac, though dis- 
tinctly differ brandies, 
from wine grapes, and the extraordin: 
range of styles evident in the hundreds 
both made exclusively in France is the re 
sult of centuries of tradition and master 
blending. 

Top-of-the-line cognacs, such as Dela- 
mains Tres Venerable ($117), Hennessy 
Paradis ($180), Remy Martin XO ($80), 
Hine Triomphe ($125) and Martell’s С 
don Bleu that comes in a Baccarat crystal 
decanter ($350), are selling extremely well 
around the world, and the extravagance of 
special bottling such as Remy's Louis XIII 


ina Baccarat crystal decanter (5610) seems 
no extravagance to many people. There 
even some vintage cognacs showing up 
in the market, led by Hine's Triomphe Ex- 
tra Rare and a bottle of Hine 1914 pack- 
aged together for $950. And Chicago's 
Paterno Imports is ‘offering rare prephyl- 


loxera boules of 130-yearold Hardy's 
Cognac Perfection, the oldest known un 
blended existence. 
The price: icluding an 
oak case. 


cs, 100, have taken on a great 
deal of chic in the past few years, especially 
thos are vintage dated. Indeed, the 
rarer and more expensive the Armagnac, 
the more people seem to want it. Retailers. 
have no problem unloading De Monta 
bottle, Sempé 1928 at $5 
ngle 1928 at $375. 


SPANISH BRANDY 


brandies used to be afier- 
to French cognac. but last ye 
with the establishment of a formal appella- 
tion for Brandy de Jerez, discriminating 
drinkers are regarding them with a new 
appreciation. Made 
les and 


Spanis 


caliber and 
o. So Amer 
ns are now willing to pay $30 and up for 
a smooth Carlos 1 Imperial from Pedro 
Domecq, which is aged a minimum of 25 
y jellow Cardenal Mendoza Gran 
Reserva and the beautifully balanced 
Conde de Osborne, packaged in a bottle 
designed by Salvador Dali. 


GRAFA 


It's hard even now to i 
pa has become the trendiest of all spirits, 
for this onee-white-hot hal wer to 
moonshine has taken on a sophisticated. 
lure that seems to go hand in ha 
the cur infatuation with Italian style in 
clothing and food 

Some of the best wi 
ned their 


ie produce 
tention t 
ium grape varieties 
ern technology to turn ош a digestive tha 
has a wide range of flavors, from the 
of Bruno Giacosa’s Mosca- 
to D'Asti ($12) to the spiciness of Noni 
UE di Tr, er (860). You can even pick 
up а five-pack. of exquisite Jacopo Poli 
grappas in slender Venetian glass bottles 
set on a glas for about $150. 
However expectations for a 
bottle of liquor, it seems a good bet that. 
there are ample options to meet, and in 
ed, those expectations. The 
is getting more difficuli — 
ive—to pin down all the 
ts fun try 


оз 


certainl 


time, but 


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170 


JAMES SPADER 


(continued from page 98) 


“We asked one of Ihe theater teachers, ‘Will he make 


t? The teacher shook his head: ‘Not a chance. 


ie 


those infamous road trips. "Our negotia- 
tions took place from pay phones at gas s 
tions," he says. The U.S. map on Graham's 
wall is marked with Spaders favorite 
routes. 

He likes to leave the driving to himself. 
Andrew McCarthy, who starred in three of 
Spader films and who once drove with 
, complains, "I drove for 
tes, he drove for five hours.” 

Spader doesn't feel there's much point in 
extolling the joys of road-tripping to the 

initiated. “The first time I took a long 
he says, “someone told me, 
"You'll arrive in New York and feel like 
you've never accomplished anything in life 
that compares with this. But no one you 
speak to will be able to understand or re- 
late.” And it was absolutely true. Driving 
across the salt flats, listening to Hendrix 
full blast, nothing but you and maybe an 
clk in the middle of the road—you want to 
grab people by the lapels and say, ‘Thi 
fucking speedball! It blew my mind" But 
people who haven't gone through that ex- 
perience dont get it. You feel like slapping 
them silly" 


. 

Spader and his wife have been virtually 
inseparable for nearly a decade—his en- 
e adult life. Naturally, talking about her 
makes Spader fidgety, but she is his most 
frequent companion on his long car trips 
and travels with him on location. She 
served as the set decorator on sex, lies, and 
videotape and understands both his career 


needs and his eccentricities. According to 
Harley Peyton, “Jimmy had his wild years 
in New York when he was much younger. 
But now Jimmy and Vickey are thi: d- 
ibly close couple: they really dont do much 
without each other. They're one of those 
couples who are completely joined at the 
heart and the hip. It’s not one of those rela- 
tionships that are based on a kind of odd 
dependence; I think they just prefer it that 
way They nurture each other.” 

“Jimmy and I used to love to go out and 
get drunk together and terrorize things 
and rip things apart,” adds Harrington. 
But now, having entered his 30s—and 
especially with the arrival of Sebastian— 
Spader increasingly spends his nonwork- 
ing hours at home. 

“He's the last person in the world to go 
to a screening or an opening or a party,” 
says Peyton. “1 couldnt drag him.” 

A night out usually involves “great, 
huge, decadent dinners at the Ivy or Dan 
T ng to actress Jennifer Ja- 
son Leigh. “They last five hours and you 
leave feeling sick. Jimmy's great at hanging 
out—not always having to be on the move. 
He can sit five hours and just talk. and I 
ire that.” 


that he went through the 
rrying Victoria—as he 
s calls her—mainly to start a family. 
thing has altered his life more than the 

last sammer. While his 
1. he says, “I called 
up Harley and we headed to Dan Tana’s— 


“Up to now, this new virus has attacked only computers.” 


1 hadnt eaten in forty-cight hours. Then 
we decided it was a good idea to go to the 
Seventh Veil for the last time. Then we 
showed up at Gerald's at three лм and sat 
and talked to him for a bit. 1 been 
working on Bad Influence for six weeks 
a seen anybody, it was my first 
night off. Then I dropped Н; off and 
popped in on my neighbor at four лм. 
told him I had a baby boy, and then I went 
to the Valley and showed up at a friend's 
house at dawn. 

"One of the criteria for picking friends,” 
he concludes, "is that the hour of day is not 
of great importance.” 

. 


s 


Spaders parents are retired teachers 
His two older sisters became teachers. He 
grew up on a prep school campus. Unsur- 
prisingly, Spader found classrooms boring 
and when he went to Phillips Academy in 
Andover, Massachusetts, he left his mark 
not as a student but as an actor. 

Charles Schueler, now a Cablevisi 
ecutive in Boston, remembers Spader's 
"devastating" abilities as a mir An- 
dover was crawling with children of pres- 
tigious and starus-conscious people, but 
Jimmy would hang out with the janitor in 
the gymnasium or the middle-aged, w 
cracking switchboard operator. To this day, 
he can re-create these personas—not in a 
cruel or malicious way but in a way that is 
just hilarious in its accuracy.” 

Spader developed a reputation as a fear- 
less actor, His first public exposure, so to 
spcak, was as a Chinaman in a school pro- 
duction of Anything Goes. “L lose m 
clothes in a poker match, and I have to run 
through the audience in boxer shorts,” he 
says. "I hadn't learned the trick of pinning 
the fly shut; so I found myself halfway up 
the aisle with my dick hanging out.” 

With his parents’ blessings, Spader 
dropped out of prep school and moved to 
New York when he was 17 “He has the 
healthiest relationship with his parents,” 
says his former classmate (and fellow ac- 
tor) Chris Clemenson, who plays his broth- 
erin Bad Influence. “When he left school, 
whatever qualms they felt, they kept to 
themselves. They said, ‘Jimmy, you have to 
do what makes you happy. Since then, he 
has done more to educate himself than 
anyone I know. I think he's one of the few 
people for whom not going to school was a 
t idea. 
When Jimmy left Andover and moved 
to New York,” remembers Timothy Regan, 
who now studies film production at Boston 
University, "we asked one of the th 
teachers, "Will he mak 
er closed his eyes, shook his head and said, 
"No, nota chance," 

Who was that teacher, I ask Spader, and 
5 he now? 
actly.” Spader replies. 

б 


wh 


We hike along at a steady pace, the sky 
gradually purpling in anticipation of 


SINGERS sunset. A couple of approaching female 
MOVE VOOR hikers greet Spader with a smile. I ask him 
FROM RECORDS AND CDe! if he gets recognized more since the re- 


lease of sex, lies, and videotape. He claims 
that the hikers recognize him not as an ac- 
tor but as a familiar face on the trail. “I see 
those two all the time,” he says. Then—at 
st! —he tells me a story. 

ng to a rock concert in Vir 
gins. "I hadn't sl 
week; 1 was looking real grungy 


ауса in a 


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COMPANY OF MEN imei fon pas: 02) 


“No one will inquire into your sincerity, your history 
or your views, if you do not choose to share them.” 


Le ‘ection would have revealed 
to me and the boys that women do not, on 
the whole, get along with women, and that 
efforts by men to be more like women 
would give those actual women yetanother 
batch of objects with which to indulge in 
the—forgive me—intralemale activities of 
invidious comparison, secrecy and stealth. 

So there we were as, disons le mot, Dag- 
wood Bumstead, and wondering why both 
we and our women were ely discon 
tented without being in the least starry- 
eyed. 

Well, then, for the moment, to hell with 
women; and to hell with the battle of the 
nd its current and least charming 
aspect of litigiousne 

C'est. magnifique, mais ce west pas la 
guerre, 

Men get together under three circum- 
stances. 

Men get together to do business. 

Doing business is not devoid of fun, It 
gives us a sense of purpose, We 
around in ways the society at large has 
termined are basically harmless, and eve 
so often, we get a pay check for doing so. 

Men also get together to bitch. We say, 
“What does she want?” And we piss and 
moan and take comfort in the fact that our 
fellows w some point, reveal that, y 
they are weaklings, too, and theres no 
shame in it. This is the true masculine 


equivalent of “being sensitive.” No, we are 
nol sensitive to women, bul we are sensitive 
to our own pain and can recognize it in 
our fellows. What a world. 

The final way in which men get together 
is for that fun that dare not speak its name, 
which has been given the unhappy tag 
“male bonding.” 


know, fi cription 
of a legitimate good time, and that “male 
seems to be a derogatory modifier of an ac- 
tivity that in itself seems to be either an ap- 
proximation or a substitution 

For who, friends, do we know who would 
suggest that we all spend a nice afternoon 
“bonding”? What is bonding? It means 
this; the tentative and somewhat ludicrou 
reaching toward one another of individu- 
als who are neither prepared to stand on 
their own emotional feet nor ready, for 
whatever reasons, to avow their homosexu- 
ашу And if Um lying, Um flying. Male 
bonding is an odious phrase meant to de- 
scribe an odious activity. 

Whatever happened to “hanging out"? 
What happened to “spending time with 
the boys"? What happened to the lodge. 
hunting, fishing, sports in general, poker, 
boys’ night out? 

What happened to men having fun with 
one another? Because we do—though we 


“My associate! My client! My billable hour!” 


may have forgotten—have quite a good 
lime with one another, in the above-men- 

ioned and other activities; and although 
the talk is many and, perhaps, most times 
of women, the meaning of it is: Isnt it great 
being here together? Now, perhaps one 
might think this is latent homosexuality. 1F 
so, so what? And if youre sufliciently liber- 
al as to hold that overt homosexuality is по 
crime, then perhaps you might extend 
your largess 10 its latent counterpart and. 
perhaps, further, we might look at our im- 
pulse to brand the need of men to be to- 
gether with various types of opprobr 
and just say, It's all right. 

Because it is all right. 

Ivs good to be in an environment where 
one is understood, where one is not 
judged, where one is not expected to per- 
form—because there is room in male soci- 
ety for the novice and the expert, room for 
all. in the poker game. the golf outing, the 
unday watching football, and room and 
encouragement for all who wholehe. 
endorse the worth of the activity Th 
the true benefit of being in the compa 
men. And the absence of this feeling of 
peace ("Maybe she will think it’s silly”) is 
one of the most disquicting and sad things 
that a man can feel with a woman (it means 
“Maybe I'm no good”). 

1 have engaged in many male and spe- 
cifically m ies—shooting, 
hunting, gambling, boxing, to name a few. 
1 have sought them out and enjoy them all 


I was sitting last October, bone cold, with 
some old-timers in a hunting shack, and 
they were passing around ginger b 
lo pour into the collee and remi 
about the cockfights that their dads us 
to take them to back belore World War 
One. Is this corny? Youre goddamned 
right it is, and I wouldn't trade it for am 
thing, Nor the hanging out at Mike's Rain- 
bow Cafe—rest in peace—with a bunch of 
cabdrivers and bitching about the police: 
nor leaning on the ropes and watching two 
guys sparring while a trainer or two yells 
at them; nor 25 years of poker games, go- 
ing home Hush, going home clean; nor 
doping the form out belore the first race. 

1 love hanging out at the gunshop and 
the hardware store. Am I a traitor to the 
cause? 1 have no cause. Lama card-carry- 
ing member of the A.C.L.U. and the 
N.R.A., and | never signed up to be sensi- 
tive. 

In the company of men, this adage 
seems to operate: You will be greeted on 
the basis of your actions; no one will in- 
quire into your sincerity, your history or 
your views, if you do not choose to share 
them. We, the men, are here engaged in 
this specific activity, and your willingness 
10 participate in the effort of the group will 
Imit you. 
Yes, these activities are a form of love. 
And many times, over the years, I have 
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perhaps, a vicious game, that beyond the 
fierce competition, there was an atmos- 
phere of being involved in a communal ac- 
tivity—that by sitting there, we were 
perhaps upholding, perhaps ratifying, 
perhaps creating or re-creating some im- 
portant aspect of our community. 

You may ask what it was about our pass- 
ing money back and forth that was impor- 
tant to the community. And I am not sure 
that І know, but I know I felt it. And I 
know that it's quite different from business, 
and from the competition of business, 
which is most times persecuted for the 
benefit of ourselves as breadwinner, as 
provider, as paterfamilias, as vestigial and 
outmoded as you may feel those roles to 
be. 

I was shooting partridge, and I watched 
the dog on point in the frosty morning, 
and I said to the other fellow, “Isn't that 
beautiful?” and he said, “That's what it’s all 
about,” and it certainly was. That days 
shooting was about things’ being beauti- 
ful. And the trainer saying, “You got no 
friends in the ring" was about things’ be- 
ing true, like the one player who says, 
“Don't call; I've got you beat” and the other 
one who pushes his stack in and says, 
“Well, then, I guess I'm just going to have 
to lose.” 

Is this male companionship about the 
quest for grace? Yes, it is. But not the quest 
fora mythical grace, or for its specious lim- 
itations. This joy of male companionship is 
a quest for and can be an experience of 
true grace, and transcendent of the ration. 
al and, so, more approximate to the real 
nature of the world. 

For the truc nature of the world as be- 
tween men and women is sex, and any 
other relationship between us is an elabo- 
ration, an approximation or an avoidance. 
And the true nature of the world as be- 
tween men is, I think, community of effort 
directed toward the outside world, direct- 
ed to subdue, to understand or to wonder 
or to withstand together the truth of the 
world. 

I was sitting au a bar in Chicago many 
years ago. It was late at night and I was 
drinking. An old waitress came over to me 
and correctly guessed the root of what she 
correctly took to be my state of the blues. 
“Look around you,” she said. “You have 
more in common with any man in this 
room than with the woman you'll ever be 
closest to in your life.” 

Perhaps. But in any case, to be in the 
company of men is to me a nonelective as- 
pect of a healthy life. 1 dont think your 
wife is going to give you anecdotal infor- 
mation about the nature Of the universe. 
And perhaps if you are getting out of the 
house, you may be sufficiently renewed or 
inspired that she will cease to wonder 
whether or not you are sensitive; perhaps 
she will begin to find you interesting. 


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The Eye Has It 
‘Those lips, that eye; we recognize KIM BASINGER even when 
she's hiding her face. Since Batman, Basinger has bought an 

entire town, started work on the sequel to 9% Weeks and 
made a video and an album with 


Prince. 


Working 
Hard for 

the Money 
LAUNA MORRO- 
SON has been 
everything from a 
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Gold 1989 to a Los 
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also seen her on 
Hunter, Who's the 


TILLS RETNA LTD. 


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LEBEDINSKY STILLS / RETNA LFD, 


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Actress SHANELLE MAT- 
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ETS 


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Take Two Aspirins and Call Me 
Here’s the latest likely twosome in Hollywood. EDDIE 
MURPHY actually looks like he's taking a little 
advice from DR. RUTH. Murphy is working on 
the sequel to 48 HRS. and Dr. Ruth is going to 
play a doctor on a network sitcom. 
Meanwhile, Eddie is going to watch his 
language, or else! 


Coming Up Roses 

This is not a happy face, especially notat the 
start of spring training. Will PETE ROSE land 
on his feet? We hope so, for the sake of his 
place in baseball history. For now, Charlie 
needs to do a different kind of hustle. 


O WERNER W. POLLEINER 


178 


CALLING ALL COUCH POTATOES 


The expression boob tube has an entirely new meaning after you've taken a 
gander at The Original Home Video Strip Kit that NoMor Video sells 
through novelty and video stores and lingerie shops for (NoMor's 
number for phone orders is 800-: 500. in case you're really horny) The 
kit includes a 30-minute VHS video, a faux-pear! necklace, a leg garter, 
play money and a graduation certificate. On the tape, two professional 
dancers portray housewife and teacher as they share secrets on how to 
strip stylishly. There are also make-up information, hints on how to choose 
lingerie and a look at striptease artists of the past. Bum-titty-bum! 


A NEW FISHING HOLE 


Captain John’s sport-fishing-tournament board game Limits centers on a 
national tournament held by a fictitious fishing club. The object is to be the 
first to catch one's limit of sport fish—four northern pike from Canada's 
Lake Temagami, three Chinook king salmon from Lake Michigan, five 
walleyes from Lake Erie and five largemouthed black bass from Florida’s 
Lake Okeechobee—and return to collect the accumulated Limits Pool jack- 
pot. Now the bad news: There are plenty of penalty fish in those deep 
waters and getting home with a perfect catch isn't easy. Limits Unlimited, 
PO. Box 481, Wickliffe, Ohio 44092, sells the game for $32, postpaid. If 
your hook comes up empty, just don't call us. We've gone fishing. 


BANDITS COUNTRY 


From Maxit Designs in Carmichael, Cali- 
fornia, comes Bandits, a span-polypropyl- 
a headband that absorbs 
raflish Rambo 
of colors— 


red, white, black, nav 
quick call to 800-556-2948 gets you one 
for only $5.50, postpaid. Tie one on be- 
fore heading behind enemy lines 


HOWLING SUCCESS STORY 
Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf? Cer- 


tainly not the people at Wolf Haven 
America, a nonprofit organization at 3111 
Offut Lake Road, Tenino, Washington 
98589, that's dedicated to 
from extinction, An adoption 
bership cost $35, and for that, you get a 
picture of your wolf and notices of sum 
mer Howl-Ins, plus more. If you grow 
hair and fangs when the full moon shi 
we suggest you t 


e а pass 


CARTIER COLLECTION 


In last August's Potpourri, we pre- 
viewed Rolex, 
by Ceorge Cordon, а coffee-t2 
book that celebrates the history 
of Rolex watches. Now comes 
Cartier, A Century of Cartier Wrist- 
watches, also by Gordon, which is 
the stuff that anyone-who-has- 
ever-hankered-for-a-drop- 
wrist-watch dreams are made ne 
Cartier has hundreds of color pho- 
tos, plus information on Cartier 
watches and more. The price: 
postpaid, sent to 


8 К 
Suite 330, Carle Place, New York 
11514. When you've got it, flaunt 
it—on your wrist. 


PETERSON’S SEVEN-PIPE SOLUTION 


For all you armchair puffers who enjoy a good smoke and a good 
mystery, Peterson Pipes of Dublin is offering through tobacconists a 
set of seven briar pipes (with hallmarked silver bands) with names 
derived from Sherlock Holmes stories, including The Original, The 
Baskerville, The Baker Street, The Deerstalker and others. The 
pipes—one of which will be introduced every six months—are $175 
each. The hardwood rack that holds them is $200. Smoke up! 


PRIDE OF THE YANKEES 


Baseball historians generally 
agree that the 1927 New York 
Yankees were the greatest team 
of all time, what with Babe Ruth, 
Lou Gehrig and other serious 
sluggers in the line-up. To com- 
memorate them, Hammacher 
Schlemmer—which has stores in 
New York, Chicago and Beverly 
Hills—is oflering scrupulously 
detailed reproductions of the 
n-up jacket and play- 


540 to 40, is 
made of Merino wool, with suede 
sleeves and a wool/acrylic-blend 
lining. The $34.95 cap comes in 
sizes 7 10 7% and has a shorter bill 
than today's model. Just don't 
wear them in Boston. 


ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD 


According to Richard Saul Wurman, his 
USATLAS is meant to be "a driver's companion in 
the truest sense. It divides the country into 250- 
mile x 251 sections, uses a standardized scale 
and dear graphics to focus on major ci 
extraneous information and opens absolutely 
flat.” lt sounds good to us, and if you're hitting 
the road, it's the kind of thinking buddy you'd 
like to have by your side. All for only $12.95—the 
price of a breakfast for two at HoJo's. 


LUXURY WHEELS AROLLING 


The American-European Express, with cars con- 
nected to Amtrak's nightly Washington, D.C., to 
Chicago (and back) train, The Capitol Limited, is 
now on track, and if you've ever wanted to travel 
in the kind of style that only great trains—and 
great cruise ships—can offer, then put in a call to 
the reservations center at 800-677-4233. For $095 
one way, you'll stay in a Honduran 
paneled sleeping compartment, dine (black tie, we 
hope) on a seven-course dinner and later relax 
over cognac in the club car (which has 23-kt.-gold 
stars embedded in the ceiling) as a piano player 
tinkles Forties tunes into the night. All that, plus 
the kind of great service you get on Europe's 
Nostalgie Istanbul Orient Express. Go! 


179 


EVERY SPORTS FANS DREAM! 


Getready for a sports 
program that's an 
arfnchair athlete's 

| fantasy. Sixteen sen- _ 
sational Playmates in 
outdoor adventurcs 
that?ll keep you glued 
to the screen. There's 


turing red-hot recrea- 
tion and scorching 
nude scenes. 


-i- 1 GRAB YOURCOPY TODAY! 


— un == AVG @ble af Your Local Record and Video Store. - 


PLAYBOY HOME VIDEO 


1900 Playboy Video Боарне loc, Af ja ars PLAYBOY, PLAYMATE, AND RABBIT HEAD CES e, 
of and used under license from Playboy Enterprises, Inc. Distributed by HBO Video, 1100 Avenue of the Am 


non-stop action fes — - 


NEXT MONTH 


“A MIDSUMMER DAYDREAM”—IT'S A NIGHTMARE FOR 
DORTMUNDER—ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S FINGERED 
FOR A CRIME HE DIDNT COMMIT... OR DID HE?— 
FICTION BY DONALD E. WESTLAKE 


“PLAYBOY MUSIC 1990"—YOU CAN STOP PACING AND 
BITING YOUR NAILS: HERE, AT LAST, ARE—TA-DAI— 
OUR ANNUAL MUSIC-POLL RESULTS. CAN 20,000 (OUR 
MOST PARTICIPANTS EVER) PLAYBOY READERS BE 
WRONG? 


JULIA ROBERTS TALKS ABOUT HER FAMOUS LIPS, 
HER LOVE SCENES AND HER CURRENT ROLE AS A 
DITZY PROSTITUTE IN A REVEALING “20 QUESTIONS” 


“SEX IS BACKI"—POLITICAL AND RELIGIOUS PURI 
TANS LIKF TO PRONOUNCE IT DEAD, BUT OUR WRITER, 
AFTER AN EXHAUSTIVE TOUR OF SWINGING BARS AND 
SEX INSTITUTES, FINDS PLENTY OF ACTION—AN IN- 
VESTIGATIVE REPORT BY MICHAEL KELLY 


DAVE BARRY ASKS WHY WOMEN DON'T SEND HIM 
NAKED PICTURES, CONFESSES THAT ANN LANDERS 
WRITES HIS HUMOR COLUMNS AND RATES THE BEST 
RESTROOMS IN A HILARIOUS PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


2 


LIVING DANGEROUS Y 


“PLAYBOY BASEBALL PREVIEW"—UNPACK THAT FA- 
VORITE MITT AND SHAKE THE COBWEBS OFF THE BAT, 
BECAUSE IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. OUR SEC- 
OND ANNUAL SNEAK PEEK AT THE TEAMS AND PLAY- 
ERS TO WATCH IN 1990—BY KEVIN COOK 


“A MAN'S GUIDE TO HEAVING-BOSOM WOMEN'S 
FICTION"—A MUST-HAVE FOR THE GUY WHO WANTS 
TO KNOW JUST WHAT JUDITH KRANTZ, DANIELLE 
STEEL AND ROMANCE NOVELS TEACH THE WOMAN IN 
HIS LIFE. AND FOR HIM: USEFUL TIPS ON HOW TO RIP 
ABODICE 


“JOHN MALKOVICH"—FIND OUT WHY THIS HOTTER- 
THAN-HOT ACTOR WILL NEVER GO HOLLYWOOD—A 
PLAYBOY PROFILE BY JOE MORGENSTERN 


PLUS: A PICTORIAL ON MARGAUX THAT WOULD HAVE 
MADE GRANDPAPA HEMINGWAY PROUD; THE PAT- 
RICK MAGAUD PORTFOLIO: NUDITY AND DANGER AS 
SEEN THROUGH THE LENS OF A FRENCH PHOTOG- 
RAFHER; SPRING AND SUMMER CASUALWEAR, BY 
FASHION EDITOR HOLLIS WAYNE; A PLAYBOY MOTOR- 
CYCLE RUN; AND MUCH, MUCH MORE 


181 


to Moni Yoon 


For people who | 
like to smoke... | 


| sensor I GES 


BENSON а HEDGES ^ = 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. Regular: 10 mg ‘tat 0.8 mg nicoune—Menthol: 11 mg 


“tac” 0.8 mg nicotme av. per cigarette, by ЕТС method.