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АҮБОҮ 


| ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN MAY 1990 + $4.00 
| INTERVIEW 
| Б — ^ DAVE BARRY 
| u ЗУ. PROFILE 
| "v OX JOHN 
moo k ui 9 | MALKOVICH 
m JENNIFER 
MUSIC WINNERS OEC TILLY 
RESULTS OF OUR 


BIGGEST POLL EVER 


BASEBALL 1990 
IT'S MONEY, 
MONEY, 


| FR 2 MONEY 


GREAT NEWS 

ABOUT SEX 
IN THE NINETIES 
IT'S BACK! 


| 05 


| 
MN 
0 


о "300955 


| 


Come to where the flavor is. 


gi 


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© 1990 Sanofi. Beauty Products, 


PLAYBILL 


WE KNEW IMMEDIATELY that there was something about the Nineties 
wc liked. Dictators out, walls down, McDonald's in Moscow. 
But our millennial joy was not complete until we received Michael 
Kelly's report from the front lines of love titled Sex Is Back! Kelly 
traveled our great land to document the phenomenon and, hap 
pily, found our citizens locked in passionate clinches. Not a mo 
ment too soon, we say. Let the celebrations commence! 

While we're on the topic of great comebacks, we want to draw 
special attention to cover girl and literary scion Morgoux Heming- 
жоу. In Papas Girl, Margaux pens the story of her struggle to 
‘overcome personal problems and shows off her new top condition 
for Contributing Photographer Amy Freytag. Papa would have 
been proud of his granddaughter. 

Another sort of literary phenomenon is the focus of A Mans 
Guide to Heaving-Bosom Women’s Fiction, put together by Articles 
Editor John Rezek, with help from Poul Engleman and Catherine 
Fredmon. They probe the female psyche by dissecting those lusty 
romance novels and analyzing the more intimate scenes—as lit- 
erary motif, of course. They also provide invaluable advice on 
how to rip a bodice. 

Dove Borry—that’s Mr. Pulitzer Prize-winning newspaper 
columnist to you, Bub—has almost singlehandedly returned the 
word humorist to the lexicon. In a funny Playboy Interview, Barry 
proves that he’s as hilarious with the spoken word as he is with the 
written, guiding us through childbirth, giving us a tour of his 
private scum pond and rhapsodizing on the glories of beer. Fred 
Bernstein was Barry's questioner and straight man. 

Nobody has ever accused actor John Malkovich of being much of 
a cutup. In his movies—such as Empire of the Sun and Dangerous 
Liaisons—he tends to play psychologically complex provocateurs. 
We sent Joe Morgenstern to Morocco to catch up with Malkovich 
on location for Bernardo Bertolucci's The Sheltering Sky. Read all 
about it in Life, Art and Malkovich. Contributing Editor David 
Rensin had an easier ume of it posing ZU Questions to actress Jen- 
nifer Tilly, lately of The Fabulous Baker Boys. 

While were considering things thespian, we should mention 
Donald E. Westloke's fiction offering in this issue, A Midsummer 
Daydream (Pat Andrea did the accompanying painting). In the 
story, the author's leading man—Dortmunder—is once again in а 
fix, this time accused of stealing the box-office receipts from a 
performance of a Shakespeare play. Check out the no-holds-Bard 
search for the perpeuator. You'll also be able to catch Dortmun- 
der in a theater near you this spring in Why Me?, starving 
Christopher Lambert and Christopher Lloyd. 

As we go to press, the talks between bascball owners and play- 
ers are stuttering, so we're not even sure there will be a 1990 sea- 
son. In the spirit of optimism, however, we present Playboys 1990 
Baseball Preview, by Contributing Editor Kevin Cook. If the strike 
sticks, substitute Cook's picks for the final s gs. 

Our thanks to all the music fans who made our 1990 Playboy 


Music Poll onc of our biggest ever (more than 15,000 ballots were 
returned). Hats off to Associate Editor Barbara Nellis and Editori- 
[he inim. 


al Assistant Helen Frangoulis for putting it all together. 
ble David Levine pays graphic tribute to the winners. 
As you know, Playboy photographers go to 
provide you with shots of the world’s most beautiful women. But 
they dont usually risk 
who shot our aptly named Living Dangerously pictorial, which 
features a distinctly French undressing of pretty girls in public 
places, A bit foo public in the mind of one gendarme, who 
Magaud and the model in to the precinct house. Both a 
prosecution, however, when the director of the Parisian police in- 
terceded in their behalf. Liberté, égalité, fraternité, nudité forever! 
Rounding out our May offerings are Playmate Tina Bockrath, 
who has set her sights (and ours) on becoming the next Marilyn 
Monroe, and a fashion layout, The Big Easy, featuring clothes for 
the hot times ahead. Beth Bischoff was the photographer. Heres 
hoping that all your leading indicators are on the rise, as well. 


LA 


FREYTAG, HEMINGWAY 


BERNSTEIN 


RENSIN 


WESTLAKE 


MAGAUD. BISCHOFF 


PLAYBOY, ussu 003234791. May 1990. VOLUME 37. PUMDER 3 PUBLICO MONTHLY DY PLAYBOY WN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS, PLAYBOY өе NORTH LAKE SHORE сим, CHICAGO WLIO eom 


TRENS LONDON DRY GAN OF AC NON DIS TITA FRON HON GRANT NETRA STRIS SVD FRANKFORT RY 


The lighter was Sandoz, 
the jewelry Cartier, 


and a martini was 
the perfect accessory. 


It was a game really. From her handbag the 
woman would reveal her silver Chaumet cigarette. 
case. Slowly she'd roll a cigarette through her 
fingers giving her escort just enough time to reach 
inside his breast pocket for his gold Sandoz lighter. 
Then, just as the tip of the cigarette would part 
her lips, he'd strike the lighter illuminating her 
face for the entire room to see. 

This game was played out in restaurants, 
ballrooms and clubs every night. And all the 


players were carefully selected long be- 


could say everything about you. No disposable 
items here. Make-up cases, pens, watches, every- 
thing that could help describe a person were 
beautifully finished down to the last detail. This 
attitude even spilled over into the drink one held. 
Most likely a martini. 

But not just any martini. "A martini very dry 
with a dash of bitters} “А martini sweet, no olive? 


“А dry Gibson, stirred? 


Today, personal accessories are making, 


a comeback. Fountain pens cling to lapel 


fore the evening began. What 


pockets, timeless watches tick 


cigarette case would suit 


from wrists and elegant 


the mood? What lighter 


jewelry once again adorns 


would spark the flame? 
What necklace orring 
would catch just a 
glint of the fire and 
send it racing back 


across the room? 


The right accessory 


Gilbey’. The Authentic Gin. 


necklines. 
Even the martini is 
back. And the gin that 
made them then still 
makes them now. 
Gilbey’. A very taste- 


ful accessory. 


EVER-GOOL BREWS 
BIG EDGE IN TASTE. 


ew brewing break. 1s minimized. What is pro- 
a Сауе duced 15 
a decisive edgeintaste Try Miller Sharps. 
та non-alcoholic brew The breakthrough taste 
The breakthrough hes о you keep your 


ma oue new brewing 


Most non-alcoholic 
malt beverages start out as 
regular beer and then the 
alcohol is removed. Unfor- 
tunately so is a good deal 
of the taste. 

Sharps, on the other 
hand, 15 the result of 


тм 


During brewing, the 
temperature remains — 
lower so alcohol production 


PLAYBOY. 


vol. 37, по. 5—may 1980 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
РЕАУВШ ........... 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY. ............. n 
15 
37 
39 
d Popa’s Girl 
THE PLAYBOY, ADVISOR 2 E er A 45 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM. ou. cm ana nn errors LL ш nee 4 
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK: 
JUST SAY NOTHING, NORIEGA-—opinion ................... ROBERT SCHEER 59 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAVE BARRY—candid conversation .... . t. x 
A MAN'S GUIDE TO HEAVING-BOSOM WOMEN'S FICTION ................... 72 
LIVING DANGEROUSLY—pictoril.. RR 7B 
A MIDSUMMER DAYDREAM-—fiction ..................- DONALD E. WESTLAKE 88 
THE RIGIEASYfeshion HOLLIS WAYNE 90 
PLAYBOY MUSIC 1990—survey .......................›;.....›5 seen teens 96 
GENTLEMEN PREFER TINA—playboy's playmate of the month . . 102 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor i.e 114 
LIFE, ART AND MALKOVICH—playboy profile. ............ JOE MORGENSTERN 116 
PLAYBOY COLLECTION— modern living... eee n8 
SEX IS BACK!—article ........ — -.... MICHAEL KELLY 122 
PAPA'S GIRl—pictorial .......... ...... text by MARGAUX HEMINGWAY 126 
20 QUESTIONS: JENNIFER ТЇЦҮ..................- I CU ud ee NIETO 
PLAYBOY'S 1990 BASEBALL PREVIEW—sports ........ .. .KEVIN COOK 140 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE... . 181 Oh, мим 


COVER STORY 

Margaux Hemingway, sexy granddaughter of legendary writer Ernest, 
embarks on а new adventure in life with а sizzling Playboy pictorial shot in 
sunny Belize. Our cover was produced by West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn 
Grabowski, styled by Lane Coyle Dunn and shot by Contributing Photogra- 
pher Arny Freytag. Thanks to Clint Wheat of A La Mode Agency/Los Angeles 
for hair and make-up and to the Rabbit for his great sense of direction. 


PLAYBOY 


NOW THE BEST OF PLAYBOY 
IS AT YOUR FINGERTIPS! 


PLAYMATE ON-THE-AIR Y 
Miss May, Tina Bockrath, reveals her 
turn-ons, turn-off and much more. 
And you can leave her а message! 


‘THE PARTY JOKE LINE Y 

Join the party and hear the hot comedy 
that's made PLAY BOY famous, Or leave 
us your joke and earn $25 if selected. 


PLAYBOY ADVISOR ON-THE-AIRY 
Hear our Playmates present our expert 
answers, or record your own Advisor 
message. 


THE PLAYBOY MAILBOX Y 
Tell us how you feel about the women of 
PLAYBOY, music, sports and more. 


CALL THE PLAYBOY HOTLINE TODAY 


1-900-740-3311 


Hear the best of PLAYBOY and receive an autographed Playmate photo and letter - FREE? 


A product ef Playboy Enterprises, Inc. Only $2 a minute. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
eduor-m-chuef 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER ait director 
GARY COLE photography direcior 

G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK edilor; PETER NOORE sen. 
jor editor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER editor; 
MODERN LIVING: DAWID STEVENS senior edi 
tor; PHILLIP COOPER, ED WALKER associate editors; 
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associale edilor; WEST 
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH- 
EN EDGREN senior edilor; JAMES R PETERSEN 
senior staff writer; RUCE KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS, 
KATE NOLAN associale edilors; JOHN LUSK tral 
coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE editor; 
WENDY GRAY assistant editor; CARTOONS 
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS 
editor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant editor; MARY ZION 
senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE. 
BARI NASH. REMA SMITH, DEBORAH WEISS research 
ers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. 
DENIS DOVLES, KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES, 
LAWRENCE ОКОВЫ. CYNTHIA HEIMEL WILLIAM У 
HELMER. DAN JENKINS WALTER LOWE. JR. D. KEITH 
MANO. REG FOLTERTON, DAVID RENSIN. RICHARD 
RHODES. DAVID SHEFE DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE 
WILLIAMSON movies). SUSAN MARGOLIS WINTER 


ART 


KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN associate di- 
Teclor; JOSEPH PACZEK, ERIC SHROPSHIRE. assistant 
directors, KRISTIN ROKJENER Junior director, ANN 
Stio. senior heyline and paste-up artist; тил. пем 
WAY, PAUL CHAN arl assistants; BARBARA HOFFMAN 
administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEN. JAMES LARSON, 
MICHAEL ANN SULLINAN associate editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior 
ма photographer; STEVE CONWAY assistant photog- 
rapher; DAVID CHAN, KICHARD FHGLEY, ARNY 
FREYTAG RICHARD (ZUL DAVID MECEV. BYRON 
NEWMAN, STEPHEN wavpa contributing photogra- 
phers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color 
lab supervisor; Jor coss business manager 


MICHAEL PERLIS publisher 
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher 


PRODUCTION 
JOUN MASTRO. director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
RITA JONSSON assistant manager; JODY JURGETO. 
RICHARD QUARTAROLLCARKIE HOGKNEY assistands 


CIRCULATION 
BARBARA GUIMAN snbscriplion circulation direc- 
lor; ROBERT ODONSELL тай marketing and sales 
director; STEVE M. COMEN communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JEFEKEY D. MORGAN asociale ad director; STEVE 
MEISNER midiwest manager; JOHN BEASLEY new york 
sales director 


READER SERVICE 


CYNTHIA LACEYSIKICH manager; LINDA STRON, 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 


EILEEN KENT editorial services manager; MARCIA 
TERRONES righis & permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


TES 


TO CELEBRATE ITS 
100ТН ANNIVERSARY, 
THE ROYAL SOCIETY FOR THE 
PROTECTION OF BIRDS PRESENTS 


NOBLE 
BIRDS 


PORCELAIN SCULPTURE COLLECTION 


ll 
4 


Thisbeautiful displayisshosm smaller 
ze of 22" high, 19” wide, 10° deep: 


IRS/MISS 
ADDRESS 


ITY/STATE ZIP. 
12214-28 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE 
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


CRUICHFIELD 


PLAYA OY OR PLAYBOY? 

1 suspect that you put your В on back- 
ward on the February Playboy cover to at- 
tract altentior 

1 know that you view many boobs, but I 
doubt that your Art Director and your 
printer made that one accidentally. 

Jack H. Cornwell 
Pryor, Oklahoma 

We were just trying to make our Russian 
guests feel a little more at home, Jack. Their 
Cyrillic alphabet has a special look when it 
comes to As and Hs. We didn't have one of 
those in the Playboy logo, so we turned а & to 
our advantage. 


In Poland, there is а saying, 
Niewiarygodna a piekna (“Unbelievable but 
beautiful”). This applies to Polish-born 
model Bogna, who graces your February 
cover. She is truly one of the Seven Won- 
ders of the World. 


Evan Kwiatkowski 
Golden, Colorado 


WOMEN OF RUSSIA 
1 would like you to pass along to the 
young women from Russ appear in 
the February issue of Playboy a word of my 
appreciation, and that word is da! 
Jim Parsons 
Rapid City, South Dakota 


Glasnost never meant much to me until I 
eyeballed The Women of Russia pictorial in 
the February Playboy. And I thought all 
Russian women looked like Mrs. Leonid 
Brezhnev. 


Lanny R. Middings 
San Ramon, Califo 


Not since Terri Welles (Playmate of the 
Year 1981) has anybody really impressed 
me. Then, suddenly, your February issue 
hit me with a double whammy: cover 
ha Berka. Who 


ave thought that when Gorbachev 
, the view would be 
you should 


lifted the iron curta 


opi 
take full advantage of glasnosi 


these Soviet cuties your first of many cen- 
terfolds to come. 
Richard С. Hall 
Battle С Michigan 
You may be pleasantly surprised soon, 
Comrade Richard. 


OUR CHAIRMAN, C.E.O. 

1 recently watched cable TV's McLaugh- 
lin program on which Playboy's Chairman 
and C.E.O., Christie Hefner, was inter- 
viewed. I was really impressed. 

Miss Hefner is not only beautiful and 
charming but superintelligent, with a 
good sense of humor. Her answers to the 
questions presented to her were direct and 
showed that she is in touch not only with 
the attitudes of Playboy's readers but also 
with today’s problems of the world. The 
future of Playboy is obviously in very capa- 
ble hands. 


Gregory Hill 
Lewiston, Idaho 


Quite by chance, 1 watched the 
McLaughlin show when Christie Hefner 
wed. Once I started lis- 


change the ch; nel. She 
in many ways—too many to start naming. 

Fm sure Mr. Hefner must feel extremely 
confident knowi capable hands his 
business is in. 


L. Merrin Ш 
Bangor, Maine 


EDDIE MURPHY 

Eddie Murphy states in his F 
Playboy Interview thi 
the Jewish peopl 
as horrible as what has bı 
blacks in this country y has 
shown what little knowledge he really has 
of a peoples plight against racism. He also 
claims that only blacks were stripped of 

i and 


bruary 


the Holocau 
done to the 


phy to keep his mouth shut about things he 
obviously knows little about. We do not 
harbor hate and prejudice against people 
when we are given our right to do as we 


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MENTHOL 


please. Remarks such as Murphy's are what 

keep racism alive and kicking in this bru. 

tal society Think before you speak, Eddie. 
Russell Rothberg 
New York, New York 


If the word fuck were deleted from 
Eddie Murphy's vocabulary, he would be 
mute—and probably unemployed. A tell- 
ing commentary on contemporary taste. 

Ed Rist 
Dundee, Florida 


Since Eddie Murphy is a reasonably tal- 
ented man, Гуе alwa еп him the 
benefit of the doubt, but David Rensin's in- 
terview (Playboy, February) with Mr. Box 
Office confirms my worst assumptions 
about him. He is, without a doubt, the most 
dangerously misogynistic moron in the 
history of cinema. In his interview, he 
refers to women as bitches, can't believe it 
when one won't screw him and gets angry 
when they won't clean off his dinner table 
(while he smugly sticks wads of gum onto 
his desk). His comments are those of an 
ultra-macho jerk who has gotten too rich 
too soon and clearly thinks that he is God's 
gilt to the world. In short, he’s an asshole. 
Thank God for Spike Lee. 

Nick J. Digilio 
Chicago, Illinois 


gi 


Regarding your February Playboy Inter- 
12 view, Eddie Murphy, Га just like to say, you 


have looks, fame, moncy and talent. Why 
descend to the vernacular? I know a 
disheveled Nebraska pig farmer with bet- 
ter class. 


Dorman Nelson 
Granada Hills, California 


1 was pleasantly surprised by the inter 
view with Eddie Murphy (Playboy, Febru- 
ary. Mr. Profanity proves himself а 
thoughtful, articulate man. He does, how- 
ever, possess one gaping Нам: Like many 
other Hollywood stars, he equates success 


with money, not with quality of work. He 
views Sylvester Stallone, Dan Aykroyd and 
Chevy Chase as successful men because of 
the money they make. Sure, these guys are 
wealthy, but what about the body of work 
they've produced? 
I hope Murphy redefines his idea of suc- 
cess in the coming decade. 
Patrick Fuller 
Turlock, California 


After reading the Playboy Interview 
with Eddie Murphy, I think it's obvious 
that Murphy is, and probably always will 
be, just another middle-class punk from 
Brooklyn. He's coarse. He's violent. His 
attitude toward women is from another 
century. It's simply amazing that such a 
beguiling screen presence can be so 
obnoxious and shallow , 

Vic Oberhaus 
Liberty Center, Ohio 


Well, its about time! After reading psei 
do interviews of Eddie Murphy for the 
past few years, I had been waiting with 
great anticipation for his Playboy Inter- 
view. This definitely is the interview that 
Says it all. 

All of the others have just rehashed what 
we already know about Eddie, Even the 
Rolling Stone interview didn't unveil him 
the way that his fans have wanted someone 
to. Barbara Walters in two live interviews 
couldnt get the Box Office King to come 
clean the way David Rensin did. Please 
make sure that in five years, when Eddie's 
ready 10 roar again, you are there first to 
save us from everyone else's squeak. 

David Allen 
Tacoma, Washington 


B.C. BEAUTY 

How come no one mentioned that Febru- 
ary Playmate Pamela Anderson is on the 
cover of the October 1989 issue? Am I out 
here all alone? 


Donald Е. Fleetwood 
Duarte, California 
Not really, Donald. We just wanted to test 
those sharp eyes. 


You guys have finally let the cat out of 
the bag. Now every American male is go- 
ing to know how every red-blooded Cana- 
dian male keeps warm on those cold winter 
nigh 


So many Canadian women have graced 
the pages of Playboy in recent years that we 
may not be able to keep this great national 
resource 10 ourselves. In the past decade, 
there have been three Canadian Playmates 
of the Year, starting with the late Dorothy 
Straten, followed by Shannon Tweed and, 
most recently, Kimberley Conrad Hefner. 
In addition, the first two Playmates 
of 1990 have been from Ontario and 
British Columbia. 

Will Playboy let us keep some of our na- 
tional treasures? 


Richard J. Giles 
Scarborough, Ontario 


It’s unbelievable that only two months 
into 1990 you already found the Playmate 
of the Decade. Im referring, of course, to. 
Pamela Anderson, who is without a doubt 
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. 
You state that she is from Vancouver, but 
nothing will convince me that she didnt 
just step down from Mount Olympus. 
Joseph W. Vlossak 
Washington, New Jersey 


Pamela Anderson (Playboy, February)— 
a true classic beauty! From those bedroom 
eyes to that soft blonde hair— gorgeous! 
After noticing her terrificsmile in her Data 
Sheet photos, I was disappointed not to ser 
it captured in her layout. I certainly hope 
you can give me one more picture, with 


that wonderful smile. 
Jeff Medford 
Chattanoog: 


‘Tennessee 


he lovely Pamela Anderson, February's 
Playmate of the Month, is a stunning beau- 
ty. However, in all the images captured by 
the photographers’ came 


as, опе mesmer- 
has been over- 


izing attribute—her smil 
looked 


Larry Bieker 
Hoxie, Kansas 


Miss February is exceptionally electrify- 
ing, to say the least. I noticed one detail re- 
garding this beauty—her birthday. Pamela 
entered our world on July 1, 1967. That 
was Canada’s centennial birthday: | believe 
the gift suits the occasion, dont you? 

Robert J. Charron 
Windsor, Ontario 


ADVENTURE IN BELIZE 

Га just returned from а three-week 
adventure through coastal Mexico, 
Guatemala and Belize and was beginning 
to feel the letdown of being back in the rat- 
race again. Then 1 came upon James К. 
Petersen's article Jim © Harrys Totally OK 
Adventure in Belize (Playboy, February). 
Wonderful! After reading it, 1 felt as if 
I were back on Caye Caulker, diving the 
Barrier Reef or petting my shark pal at the 
Hol Chan marine preserve near San 
Pedro. Thank you for a delightful re- 
capitulation of a truly fascinating and 
beautiful trip. 


Sam Farmer 
Lawrence, Kansas 


ASA ADMIRED 
Га like to commend Asa Baber for con- 
tinuing to deal with the subject of divorced 
fathers in his Men column. Ud also like to 
congratulate the editors for allowing Asa 
to address the issue of male bashing, which 
is so prevalent in the entertainment indus- 
try today. It’s reassuring to know there is a 
magazine on our side that isn't going to sit 
idle and allow such biased criticism to con- 
tinue unnoticed, 
Gordon Basista, Director 
Public Relations 
Fathers United of Indiana, Inc 
Merrillville, Indiana 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


METALMANIA 


We recently visited a multimedia party 
the announced 
“Heavy Metal as the Style of the Nineties.” 
Our hosts, billed on the invitation as The 
New Underground, rallied around artist 
James Warhola, whose late uncle (drop the 
last A) had been known to throw a party or 
two himself. 

The party site was a huge loft in Lower 
Manhattan's Tribeca area. As we arrived, a 
video crew outside was rehearsing 50 
scantily clad (leather jackets, lace tops) 
heavy-metal femmes fatales in a kind of 
Rockettes of Sodom and Gomorrah revue. So 
far, so good for metal, we thought 

Inside, the environment embraced vari- 
ous pop-cultural nuances: science fiction, 
Marvel Comics and punk with postnuclear 
shadings. Among the ubiquitous videos 
being shown was How lo Litter, an ironic 
offering from Warhola. While an un- 
identified heavy-metal band repeatedly 
broke the sound barrier, we scanned the 
futuristic paintings of Warhola and the 
street art of Rico Fonse: drank beer, 
introduced ourselves to various lingerie 
models and watched the markedly low. 
brow comedy videos. Our favorite? Come 
dian Wayno Draino from Bayonne, riding 
a surfboard on the roof of a car doing 55 
on the Jersey Turnpike. No, he's 
man. We also saw noted North African 
party animal Malcolm Forbes, swamped by 
vampirish partygoers and characteristi- 
cally clinging to his motorcycle helmet as if 
it were a talisman. 

A few beers later, we talked to comics 
“Big” Dick Donovan “Little Alka’ 
Seltzer, but we were interrupted by an irate 
Draino, who had thrown up during his live 
act. On our way out, we mused to a young 
thing near the door that this new metal 
movement bore the imprint of the Sixties 
“Aw, man,” she whined, “why you gotta 
drag in the It was time to go. 


theme of which м 


not a stunt. 


and 


ixtics? 


BEATING THE LAW 


Few people have the nerve to punch out 
а lawyer—and who can blame them? The 
attorney in question would almost ce 


tainly sue. But Machelle Parks of Cincin 
nati has found a way to wreak vengeance 
on a lawyer: She requested permission to 
sock opposing counsel as part of a legal 
settlement 

At stake is $50,000 supposedly owed 
Parks as part of an over-all settlement in a 
wrongful-death lawsuit. When defense 
attorney Tom Alexander told his client not 
to pay, Parks advised her attorney, Dale 
Friend, that she would settle for taking 
poke at Alexander. A deal was struck: In 
return for overlooking the disputed pay- 
ment, Parks and her mother each get to 
punch Alexander once. Friend and his 
partner, Nick Nichols, also get one shot 
each. The rules require a good clean hit, 
above the belt, with no blunt instruments 
and no running start. Last time we 
checked, no punches had been thrown. 


THE OUTHOUSE EFFECT 


Here's a piece of news you didn't know 
you should worry about: Our atmosphere 
is slowly being eaten away by the gaseous 
emissions of cattle. There is nothing lower 
in this world than a fart joke, and we 


would never resort to publishing one, But 
this is no joke. Really. 

According to Florentin Krause of the 
Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory in Califor- 
nia, cows produce a lot of methane in 
relation to the amount of protein they pro- 
duce. And methane is a far more potent 
greenhousc-effect-causing gas than car 
bon dioxide. What to do? Eat pork instead. 
Not only do pigs require ten to 30 percent 
as much grain to produce the same 
amount of protein, they turn only 1.3 per- 
cent of that grain into the atmosphere- 
threatening methane gas, as opposed to 
a five to nine percent conversion rate for 
cattle. 

How big a thr 


at is this rampant bar 
yard cheese cutting? Krause estimates that 
cattle’s emissions account for as much as 
five percent of the global-warming effect 
But, what is worse, they never even say 
сизе me.” 


HU KNOWS WATT? 


Everybody's heard Abbott and Costello's 
famous “Who's on First?” routine. Re- 
cently, we heard a new version with a politi- 
cal twist. Its authors, Aaron Freeman and 
Rob Kolson, are currently performing in 
Aaron Freemans Do the White Thing, a 


satirical two-man show at Chicago's Or 
ganic We sniff a ne 
your edification, he 

Kolson says, “When you look at the kcad- 
ers of these socialist countries and you sec 
the reforms they're instituting, you start to 
wonder who's a capitalist.” 

Freeman: “No, по. Низ a Communist.” 


Theater ssic. For 


c 


a transcription. 


"Yeah. Hu Yaobang. He was a reformer 
in the Chinese party but definitely a Com- 
munist.” 

“What 

“No, Watt's a capitalist. 

“Somebody who believes in the princi- 
ples of the free-enterpr ystem?” 

“No, no. James Watt. Former Secretary 
of the Interior, a private consultant now, 


15 


PLAYBOY 


16 


ANY 8 CDs FOR 


Linda Ronstadt—Cry Like A Barbra Streisand—A Billy Ocean—Greatest 
Rainstorm, Howl Like The Wind Эң, Осы Collection: Greatest Hits... Hite(JveiFICA) 200.870 
Don't Know Much; plus many Didnt Start Tho Ey And More (Columba) ER 
more. (Elektra) 389-874 рате ата A ore 401-141 Night With Mr C. 

ES | (Columbia) 387.902 |1 coots—waking wan OO 
Duran Duran—Decade ОИ соктын, Liza Minnelli Results 
(Capion 401-269 Jms Epc) 382-333 
Boogie Down BranfordMarsalis—Tio  Soundgarden—Louder 
Productions —Chetto Jeepy(Coumbe) 381-800 Than Love (AEM) 388-868 
Music: Slue Print Hip Eagles—Live (Elektra) Roy Orbison—The All- 
HOP(JWe/FCA) 386-193 10-а [mette vis 182 
“olumbia Specal Fred 
SRE r | 
Бош Ек) 386-1 vé Englishmen (AAN) 
— Who's Setter, 
Marshall Crenshaw — 389-783 рош MOH) 370857 
Goad Evening Tommy Bolir—Te 
(Wamersros) заво Úlimate.. (Caer) депу Lee Lewis—18 
3846/399-485  Ongnal Sun Greatest Hits 
Basia-London, Warsaw, New York p Ans) 39108 
Best Friends; etc. (Epic) 401752 Zhe Band Kd. Te Very Best of Poco 
ey = = Ep 367-823 
The Best DI TheDregs— 00 
Divided We Sianc (Arsia) Marvin Gaye Greatest 

о а esie НИКОМ 307562 

wen cM The Coasters Greatest, ий Mitchell Cour an 

Voivod—Nothinglace Hits (Aico) 68-370 Spark (Asylum) 367-102 

(Mechanic) 402-962 Best Of Спег(ЕМ) Traffic John Barleycom 


The Fixx—Ore Thing 
Leads To Another (MCA) 
402-974 
Dave Grusin—The 
Fabulous Baker Boys 
‘Soundtrack (САР) 402-958 
Club Nouveau—Under A 
Nouveau Groove 
(Warner Bros) 402-479 


Foster Pussycat—Weke 
Me When It's Over Elektra) 
401-766 
Dionne Warwick— 
Greatest Hits (1979-1990) 
(rsta) 401-679 
Loverboy—sig Ones 
(Columbia) ^ 401-681 
Pat Benatar—Best Shots 
(Chrysais) 401.646 
YoYo Ma—Great Cello 
Concertos (CES Macer) 
401-608 
Best Of The Canadian 
Brass [CBS Masterworks) 
401-595 
Survivor Greatest Hits 
Сали Broners) — 40-521 
Next Of Kin—Orig. Sound 
Track (Columba) 201-323 
Ace Frehley—Trouble 
Walkin 
(Aliogatorce Word) 
201-299 
Don McLean—For The 
Memodos Volume 1 & 2 
(Gold Caste) 401226 
Joan Baez- Speaking Ot 
Dreams (Gold Caste] 
401-215 
Bruce Wilis—I It Don't 
Kill You, Just Makes You 
Stronger (Motown) 401-182 
Cnicago—Greatest Hits 
1982-1989 (Reprise) 


401-165 
The Front (Columbia) 
400-903 
Bros—The Time (Ерс) 
400-895 
Belinda Carllalo— 
Runaway Horses (MCA) 
200-788 
Reba McEntiro—Livo 
(MCA) 200-738 


Joe Satriani— Flying In A 
Blue Dream (Relativity) 
400-655 
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‘The Land Of Salvation And 
Sin(Elekira) — 400-598 
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Bruch: Coneerio No 1 
Nadja Salemo- 
Sonnenberg: Edo De 
Waart and Minnesota 
Oren.tange) 400-135 
Lee Rittenour—Color Rit 


(СР) 200-051 
Michel Camilo—On Fire 
(po 389-009 


Jack Bruce—A Question. 
Of Time (Epic) 389-981 


Chunky A—Large And In 
He 


Áewsog Миз Die (вла) 364-935 

‘The BestOfCannedHeat Van Morrison Samt 

em $80.842 ^ Dominic Preview 
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Bo Diddley 1s A а 
Gunslinger (Chess Alice Cooper—Sillon 
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Terence Trent D'Arby—Neither Fish Crosby Stile, Nash ond WemerBros) 363531 
Nor Flesh. It Feels So Good To Love 1 Young—So Far (Allarııc) Little Feat—Dixie Chicken 
Someone Like Your more. .— ны (апе Вог) 363-516. 
(Columbia) 19.726 Grateful Dead—Skctetons Bob Dylan—Highway 61 
—— Er ОН 
(Warner Bios) 378-406 362-265 
Jody Watley—You Wanna George Harrison—Sest 505 Band—Diamonds in nn 
Dance win Me? (MCA) ©! Dark Horse 1876-1989 Tne Raw (Tabu) 389-973 Ich 
402610  (DarkHorse) 402-584 Joe Cocker—One Night RD 
Of Sin (Capio) 387-064 Feelgood. 
George Clinton The. Steve Stevens Atomic Title cuts 
Cinderella Theory Playboys (Warner Eros ) Randy Travis—No Holdin’ plus With- 
(aniey Park) 387134 386-086 Back (Warner Bros.) ا‎ 
Dave Edmunds—Closer Jefferson Airplane (Epic) 399157, nto ete 
To The Flame 385905 Dwight Yoakem—Just нех 
(Само) 207100 pe Townshend The O FAM RETO, 387.944 
Barry White—The Manis "Tanne eae E 
Bacil (ABM) 38-843 Anderson, Brutord, Never Sleeps (Cold Chim) 
Britny Fox—Bo,s In Healt Wakeman. Howe (Assia) 369-505 
(Columba) — 388-421 айлы pan en 
+ incy Jones (Owen 
Сома Platinum Volume 1" Machine a, a, 389-577 
ix (Ream) 300-355 Mark Knopner—Last Exit 
Rickie Lee Jomes—Fling СИ НОВО Stone, Boon Warne: Gres) 
Cowboys (Geller) 388-199 389-536 5 
Batman Orginal Big DacsyKane-nsA 
o, ا‎ Барута ES 
(Cnrysals) Caden)" жошо  Facy Chapman y 
Years After—About Don Henley—The Erd Of 6 Now; Material World; 
Time (Chiysals) 288-140 The Innocence (Geter моу нису Шола Bridges; etc. (Elektra) 
ней Young—Freedom 383-802 380-346 387.051 EQ 
(Reprise 388-132 
Безме воуз Pauls р Bob Dylan—On Mercy — 
Lou Gramm—Long Hard utique Capitol! 383- (Columba) 9.262 тһе Beach Boys—Sill E 
Look (Alanıc) 388.108 Gris apnd) 887-02 Муш непо 


Maze Featuring Frankie 
Beverly—Silky Soul Whitesnake—Slip OfThe Jackson Browne—World, 


The Best Of Tim Cu 
шү (Wamer Bros) 389-098 Tongue(Gellen) 387-027 in Moton (Elektra) 383-252 


(АЕМ) 388-926 


О TREE 

It's (Arist; | . (it's Ji 

каи Mii 
M etc. (Virgin) 374.637 


N 


RollingStones—Steel FT Aerosmith—Pump. Love InAn| 
Wheels. Mixed Emotions; ОЙЫЛ Elevator; Janie's Got A Gun; 
Sad, Sad, Sad; etc. (Rolli k | Young List; My Girl more. 
StonesRec.) 387431 (Getfer) 388-009 


Jason & The Scorchers—  Loudness—Soldier O! Queen— The Miracle Harry Connick. JE. Stevie Nicks—The Other 


‘Thunder And Fire (AEM Fortune (Aico) 388062 (Сар) 333-547 When Harry Met Sally Side Of The Mirror 
389-080 Music From The Motion Modem) 381-103 
Placido Domingo—The Bonham—The Disregard —— Picture(Columbia) 386-821 
Diving For Pearis (Ере) Unknown Puccini Of Timekeeping XYZ Enigma) 402-024 
389-031 (CSS Master) 387-829 (WTG) EST or lerne 
Bobby Brown—Dance Lenny Kravitz—Let Love Kenny G—Kenny GLivi Addictions, Volume One Prince—And In This 


¥ Know (NCA) 402-602 Аме (Wgm) — 401893 (Aste) 401-505 — (sand) 400-937 Сотег (іме ВСА) 400-638 


Paul Simon—Negotations 
‘And Love Songs 
(Warner Bios) 400-721 
Gloria Estetan—Cuis 
Both Ways (Epic) 382-341 
Jody Watley—Larger 
ThanLife(MCA) 381-081 
Jett Beck (Epic) 380-303 
‘Steve Reich: Diferent 
Trains - Kronos Quartet / 
Electric Counterpoint - Pat 
NethenyiNoresich) 
380-071 
Warrant—Dirty Rotten. 
Filthy Stinking Rich. 
(Columbia) 379-644 


Skid Row (Alanic) Dead —Built To > Janet Jackson—Rhythm 
(Mor ggg Grateful Dead. Bult To pete enna ae 
Madonna—Like A Prayer Picasso Moon; more. plus more. (A&M) 388-918 
Ec 379594 (Arista) 388.025 
229 LB — 
ит) £ Joe Cocker—Crealest Elton John—Sieeping TAE 
Best Of The Doors Hits (A&M) 20-911 Wih The Past (VCA) Transvision Vamp— Bryan Ferry / Roxy Music 
eki) SS7-6152397-612 Eon John—Greatest Hits 307-993 Velveteen (UNI) 402-420 e e 
Yes—Cicse To The Edge (МСА 310-541 Ziggy Marley & The Paul Carrack—Groove a 384-230 
(Atlantic) 35195 TheBabys—The Babys Melody Makers—One enews (Окуй), aem [e tt Podeans- Ноте N 
Trattic—TheLow Spark Of Anthology (Chrysalis) Bright Day (Viro) 386-987 и ing (Reprise Эге!) 
High Heded Boys (апо) 312-256 Figs Young Cannibals — Kate Bush—The Sensual Tho Call. Lei The Day 
351-924 Creedence Clearwater World (Columbia) 401-232 Ed e Begin(MCA) 384-156 
Aretha Franklin—30 Revival—20 Greatest Hits Camoufiage—Methods О! © The B52—-Cosmie 
Greatest НИЄ (Айат) (Сапазу 308-049 Д Sence (Aller) 400-020 Tring(Fepeco) — 369-877 
350-793/360-799 — TheBestOtEmerson, jeumeysGreatest, org Erasure—Wilct RedHot Chili Peppers— Peter Gabrlel—Passion 
Rolling Stones—ExieOn Lake & Palmer (Allentic) an @epmsesic) 400.820 Moters MIK (EMI) (Gallen) 383-810 
Main Steet 306-969 — .30Special. Rock & Roll The Psychedelic Furs— 3 Lloyd Cole & The. 
(Foling Sones Rec) James Taylor Sweet Strategy (ААМ) 375-139 Book Ol Days (Colomba). Thompson Twins—Big  Gommotions—1984-1989 
350-652 Baby James (Warner Bros) U2—attle And Hum 400.84 Wash (varrer Bros) o yy — (Capto) 383-778 
Folling Stones—Sticky 292-204 siano) 374-017 Exene Cervenka—Old = Pates —Coolite (Elektra) 
Fingers (Roling Bost Of The Grateful Luciano Pavarotti — Wives! Tales (Rhino) Sugarcubes—Here Today. 362-867 
Sones Rec) 360-615 Dead (Warner Bros) Pavarotti in Concert 400-622 fomorrow. Next Weer goo — The The—Mind Bomb 
Buddy Holly—From The 291-633 (CES masier) 373-548 The Alarm—Change i 2 (Epic) 382-382 
Orig. Master Tapes (МСА) BostOf The Ocoble Bros. — Living Colour—Vivie (AS) 400-465 Bio Audio Dynamite The Cure—Disintegration 
E RE amet PE ч 278 (Epic) 370.833 Indigo Giis—Srarge Firg ИХ ens (Elekta) ‘382-083 
ImCroce—Photographs Van Halen—OU812 < ў li 
Best Of Procol Harum. Hits (Saja) 246-868 REO Speedwagon— (Sire) 389-494 e 382-077 
(AEM) 344-457 Melissa Etheridge— Greatest Hits (Epic) ann ee China Crisis—The Diary 
The Byrds—Groaivst Mis Braye And Crazy (laro) dor ore Култ 0 EE ag ofa Punon Horse PEM) 
Columba) 342-501 388-090 pretenders—The Singles سا‎ AS ‘381-897 
Bad Company—10 From 6 Gre) 362-541 х : aah 
eere] арз Portrait Ot Vladimir Ge ER e Балазе Weather cod 
ке ЫС Шыл RE 
DEN Зигота СВУМавы ^ 276-504 CEM ези Best O Nick Lowe 
Best Ot Kansas* Cyndi Lauper-—A Nigh To Kitt Te Кагаме Меда (Coumba) 300.002 
(Сб дио) az БЫТА 913 gp Риси Aras (CES Master) Vitamin 2— Sharp Stone 
‘The Jackson 5—Greatest Debbie Gibson —Fiectic = Rain (Gellen) ^ 389-601 
А Gertie ugue Orestes lan McCulloch— 
Richard Marx— Repeat. (Elektra) Cancteiand (Sre/Roprec) 
Онепдег(ЕМ) 380-915 GunsN’Roses-Gnr  Foreigner—Records U 389-593 
‘The Best Of Luther Ues(Getter) ^ 376-087 tani) ое Young NC—Stone Cod MAX O (Alantc) 400077 — 
Yadus Menot iorDayne—CanlFiga Lebe Rom NM T йун (Dancas wn FRLEM.—Green. те o 
Love Ep Ca Fi ler From Home 4 Warner rcs) 375-162 С 
И 308017 (delen seen LL لاا عد ان‎ i 
V COLUMBIA HOUSE, 1400 М. Fruitridge Ave. 195/590 


The age of CD sound is here—and you 
hove о practical way to find the CDs you 
want. As your introduction to the Club, you 
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money order for $1.86 (that's № for your 
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handling). And in exchange, you simply 
agree 10 buy 6 more CDs (at regular Club 
prices) in the next З years—ond you moy 
concel your membership anytime after 
doing so. 

How the Club works. About every four 
weeks (13 times o уеот youll receive the 
Clubs music mogorzine, which describes the 
Selection ol the Month...plus new hits ond 
d favorites from every field of music. In 
addition. up to six times o year. you moy 
receive offers of Special Selections, usually 
at о discount off regular Club prices, for o 
total of up to 19 buying opportunities. 

If you wish to receive the Selection of the 
Month, you need do nothing—it will be 
shipped outomatically. If you prefer on 
alternate selection, or none at all, fill in the 
response card always provided and moi 
by the date specified. You will olwoys have 
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Selectors wth wo numbers coron 2 CDs ard court as зоне mbothnumbers 


= Terre 1 


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"dT 


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(MCA) 382484 


ON PETTY 


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lus more. (Virgin) 386.037 


decision. If you ever receive any Selection 
without having 10 суз ta decido, you тоу 
return il at our experse. 

The CDs yau order during your member- 

ship will be billed at regulor Club prices, 
which currently ore $1298 lo $1598— plus 
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тоу be somewhot Higher] After complet- 
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cancel membership at any time; if you 
decide to continue os o member, youll be 
eligible for our money-saving bonus plan. 
lets you buy one CD at half price for each 
CD youbuy ol regular Club prices. 
10-Day Free Trial: Well send details of 
the Clubs operation with your introductory 
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Extra Bonus Offer: As o special offer 10 
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оз о bonus FREE. Just indicate your choices 
in the coupon, ond youll receive your dis- 
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introductory CDs—a total of I0 in all! 


ute, IN 17811 


© 1990 CBS Recordsinc. 


| FO. Box 1129, Terre Haute, Ine 


na 4781-1129 


Please оссер my membership оррісотіоп under Ihe terms outlined in this advertisement 
| Send me the 8 Сотрос Discs listed here, | om enclosing check or money order for $1.86 


оъ Te for the В CDs indicored, plus $165 for У 


more selections ot regular Club prices in the coming three yeor: 


membership at опу tme ofter doing so. 
SEND ME THESE В CDs FOR № 


| 


hipping ond hondling). cree to buy six 
ord moy concel my 


imbers below): 


| | IE 


My moin musical interest is [check one): (f 


D HordRock D Sofi Rock D Modern 
Ruling Stones, chord Marx Kote Bush, 
Rosh Gloro Esielon 252 

O Country 
ther Мото, Grover Wochngton Ir. Reba Мечи 
Bobby Brown Kerry Rordy hows 


ме 
Mes. 
Mas Rare 


+ 


| 
І 
| 
| 
l 
| 
| 
| Black Music D лох 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 


Gay. 
зею —M 
Doyouhavea VCR?(04] Dies No 
Doyeuhaveacredrcord[3. Ll Yes DINO 


A gt 


lu Imoy olnoyschoose rom ony colegory) 

Rock O Pop. CI Heavy Merol 
BarbroSiesond, Matey Crue. 
BoryMonlow  Whiesrote 
Daosskol — [)tosytstening 
ои, Horowitz. Roy Corral 

Pordo Domnge Joheny Moths 


Extra Banus 

Offer: обо send 
те this CD for which I 
will enclose an ade 
tionol $695. 


ا 


and Im entitled to 
this extra CD FREE! 


Ea 


17 


RAW 


DATA _ 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


п a em am 
question about it. It's 
of what 
fterward. 


happened 
that we cant get 


Straight" br. ALAN 
astrophysi- 
ashington’s 
Institution 


CITYSCAPES 


n a nationwide sur- 
yey, the city named by 
men as having thc 
most attractive wom- 
en: Los Angeles; the 
ked by women 
as having the most at- 
tractive men 

. 


DRESSLER, 


for ele 
$4.000.000: 


The city сапу 
ied as having the 
best arts, entertain- 
ment and night life: New York; the best 


food: New York, San Francisco and 
New Orleans; friendliest people: 
problems: 


. 
ities viewed as the worst: New York, 
Los Angeles, Chicago and Detroit. 


GO WHERE, YOUNG MAN? 


_ Number of residents who moved 
, 224,000; in 


grated to Arizo ‹ 
Oregon and Texas, 21,000 e 
vada, 17000; to Florida, 


15,000; 10 
to New York and Illi- 
to Washington, D.C., 


8600 


FACTS OF LIFE 


1 which the most 
ust and September. 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


The average cost of running 
ion to the Senate is 
to the House of. 
Representatives, $390,000. 


Months in which 


Cost of food lor 
first 
cost of 


diapers, $570; cost of 
г $2184; cost 


ing for 


$800: today, $5774. 


BOOKING IT 


Amount the aver- 


in Boston, 
co, $1 


. 
mber of bookstores рег 
houscholds: 1.24. 

о 


Average п 
10,000 


1.58 in Seattle; 


City where the most money is spent 
оп books: New York ($283,200,000 per 
year). 


PUSHING THE ENVELOPE 


Number of cards and letters mailed 
world-wide in a : 202.1 billion. 


. 
‘din the United States, 


Number mai 
82.6 billion (41 percent of world tc 
17 billion; in the Soviet Ui 


al): 


definitely a capit 


in decentralized government and a market 
„then whats a capit 
actly.” 

xactly what?” 


If were not sure how to 
п, how do we know wha 


“No, listen 
define capi 
a capitalist 

“Sununu. 

“Who knew?" 

“No, Hu didn't know. Sununu kn 

“No, no, no.” 

“Yes, yes, yes. Sununu knew. He should 
know, hes Bush's Chief of Staff” 
nunu knows what?” 

“Oh, sure. They're 
friend. 


dose personal 


“Who's lett of what?” 
ow you got it!” 


“No, Waite.” 

“Wait for what?” 

“No! Waite for Iranian arms, maybe. 
| never trade Са Waite for James 
Watt. Get outa here. _ 


LOVE STORY 


to make of this per- 
sonal ad we saw in The Austin Chronicle. A 
poetic someone being osten- 
tatious You be the judge: 

“LOVE IN THE REAL wort: He stands in 
the street, dressed in a gray cowboy t 
do, with black boots, a black hat and a big 
white cors: g roses from one of 


earnestness about 0 
talking to the flower guy tl 
out. I'm thinking there is ne punch line, 
until the light changes and I drive pa 

old pickup idling on the other side of the 
road, the young-looking blonde inside 
watching expectantly out the back as h 
man dodges traffic on his return to her. 
is Christmas Eve, and the writing on the 
tuck reads jest markien, and below that 
ERNEST LOVES poris. God, I hope it works." 

So do we. 


(genuine 
Draft | 


T] 
# Genuine 
; Draft 


I 


e 


T 


(е 


Сам 


MOVIES 


ByBRUCEWILLIAMSON 


SOMETIME NEAR the end of this century, the 
US. has been renamed Gilead. Racist reli- 
gious zealots and male supremacists are in 
charge. Women know their place, and the 
few who are fertile are forcibly recruit 
ed to bear children for the elite. That's the 
cerie premisc of The Handmaid's Tale (Cine- 
com), first a scalding best seller by Mar- 
garet Atwood, now a psychosexual movie 
shocker full of deadly implications. Star- 
ring Natasha Richardson (Vanessa Red- 
graves talented daughter) in a strong, 
subjective performance as Kate, the movie 
is sharply focused on a widowed female 
prisoner who has lost her own child а 
has been ordered to conceive a baby with 
the elite Commander (Robert Duyall, who 
vividly projects the evils of sexism). His 
wife, Serena Joy (Faye Dunaway, mean and 
smiling), is a former televangelist, fero- 
ciously envious of Kate. The beleaguered 
heroines only allies are the guard (Aidan 
Quinn) enlisted to hurry along her preg- 
nancy and the flip “gender traitor” (E 
beth McGovern), whos condemned to 
whoredom because, she admits, “I like 
girls.” Victoria Tennant also stands out as 
Aunt Lydia, the bitchy blonde supe 
of handmaids. While Richardson's char: 
ter initially seems to be a passive viet 
she shows ferocity when her moment of 
bloody vengeance finally comes. Clearly 
hard-sell, Handmaid's Tale boasts a screen- 
play by England's Harold Pinter, direction 
by German-born Volker Schlondorff (hi 
first feature film in English, though he 
won a 1979 foreign-language Oscar for 
The Tim Отит). Vheir special touch adds 
cool eroticism, intelligence and intensity to 
а politically pessimistic movie that needs 
all the help it can get. ¥¥¥¥ 
. 

The highly personal films made by writ- 
er-director Henry Jaglom are an acquired 
taste, a bit like quality time spent with an 
interesting friend who has had too much. 
psychoanalysis. New Year's Day (Rainbow) 
stars Jaglom asa man very much like him- 
self, named Drew, who arrives in New York 
from L.A. on a red-eye flight опе New 
Years morn, expecting to start life anew 
and reclaim the apartment he has sublet to. 
three young women still in residence. 
There seems to be a holiday open house in 
progress, and New Years Day merely tunes 
in while everyone natters about “соті 
terms” or “finding another leve 
self. A voice-over acuess (Ma 
son) takes the lead as a spontaneous, 
magnetic personality the movie camera 
seems to love, and she’s allegedly putting 
her life together by moving to L.A. I's both 
funny and familiar, with Gwen Welles, 
Melanie Winter, David Duchovny and film 
maker Milos Forman (moonlighting as a 
womanizer called Lazlo), among others, 


McGovern, Richardson tell Tale. 


A frightening look 
at the future, plus a batch 
of thinking man's movies. 


working the rooms as if Jaglom had just 
called up and invited them to drop over 
and do as they damn please. Hand it to 
Henry—his bizarre, self-indulgent home 
movie is more structured than you may 
nes, and too 


Germany's portly, appealing Marianne 
Sagebrecht is sull enticing to watch in 
Rosalie Goes Shopping (Four Seasons), co- 
authored, co-produced and directed by 
the same Percy Adlon who launched her 
American career in Sugarbaby and Bagdad 
Cafe. Sagebrecht has fewer opportunities 
as Rosalie, a housewife in Stuttgart, Ai 
kansas, married to a crop-spraying pilot 
(Brad Davis) and specializing in scams to 
outwit her creditors. A born consume 
reared on Reaganomics, Rosalie reasons, 
“If youre a hundred thousand dollars in 
debt, its your problem; if you’ Шоп 
in debt, its the banks.” Adlon paints а 
pretty, pastel world of middle America that 
ought to be Sagebrechrs oyster, and she 
does what she can. So does Judge Reinhold 
as а harried priest whose only chore is to. 
suffer through her confessions. Unfortu- 
nately, there's too little wit or substance in 
the picture (0 make all the wickedness 
work. vy 


id Hare's intriguing 
Strapless (Miramax) winds up with Blair 
Brown, Bridget Fonda and a host of other 
women ata fashion show. They're model- 
ing bare-shouldered black gowns that ap- 
pear to be held up by little more th 


But 


wish and sheer feminine will power 
the title’s strained symbolism is merely а 
clue to Hare's rea n about women 
(which he demonstrated as author of the 
play and film Plenty). Brown is now Hares 
favorite leading lady, off screen and on 
Cool and self-possessed in Strapless, sl 
engagingly plays an American doctor 
treating cancer cases in London until she 
meets an enigmatic ladies man (Bruno 
Ganz) who plies her with gifts and offers of 
marriage, Meanwhile, her wayward sister, 
the designer (Fonda), has carelessly got 
herself pregnant. When Browns husband 
disappears, asis his custom, the doctor dis- 
covers strengths in herself that she never 
knew were there. It takes Mr. Wrong to set 
her right, and Strapless leaves that idea on 
simmer in an arresting, cerebral romantic 
drama you may well argue over but won't 
soon forget. жуз! 


con 


. 

While he has been described as the Ital 
ian Woody Allen, comparisons only hint at 
the method in the madness of co-author- 
director-star Maurizio Nichetti. His dual 
role in The Icicle Thief (Aries) calls upon 
Nichetti to play the lead actor i 
a neorealist spoof that he, as its director, is 
also promoting on а ТУ talk show. Movies, 
ТУ and life itself get all mixed up, with 
Nichetti as Antonio—the underprivileged 

ie [ather— frequently changing places 
with Nichetti the director. A viewer may 
not quite know where he is. Certainly not 
when Antonios wife (Caterina Sylos 
Labini) shows up playing Carmen in a 
commercial, or when a gorgeous blonde 
ТУ model (Heidi Komarek) drops off the 
screen to reappear in his kitchen. Trying 
to figure where Icicle Thef draws the line 
between reality and surreality could driv 
a person crazy, but its easy to wallow in 
Nichetti's crackpot inventiveness. ¥¥¥ 

. 

lom Berengers role as а horny but 
rather inept private. eye in love of Large 
(Orion) involves him with five strikingly at- 
tractive women. Anne Archer is the myste- 
rious beauty who hires him to follow her 
lover. Ann Magnuson is his suspicious ex- 
who employs Elizabeth Per- 
another sleuth, to track Berenger's 
movements. The case of mistaken identity 
on which he's wasting time leads him to 
Annette O^Ioole and Kate Capshaw, as the 
comely wives of a bigamist (Ted Levine) 
whose misbehavior should be irrelevant 
Of course, romance, not relevance, is the 

sue for writer-director Alan Rudolph, 
whose convoluted comedy is stylish, airy 
and original even when it’s somewhat off 
th iot great, but a nice tr 

. 

Great white hunters stride through In 
the Blood (White Mountain), an unner 
and controversial documentary by produc- 
er-director George Butler (who made the 


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A A AAA A 


Easton: They say it his way. 


OFF CAMERA 


He is officially known as The 
Henry Higgins of Hollywood, Inc., 
and Robert Easton (a.k.a. “the dialect 
doctor”), at the age of 59, has 
coached virtually every media star 
from A (Ann-Margret) to Z (Daph- 
ne Zuniga). He started life in Mil- 
waukee with a persistent stammer, 
moved to Texas, slowed down his 
speech and became an exceptionally 
articulate radio Quiz Kid until 1945. 
“That was my old-age retirement at 
fourtee recalls Easton. Since 
then, he has played more than 1000 
roles while teaching dialect and dic- 
tion to a host of big names who all 
but fill his full-page ad in Variety. He 
played a business tycoon in Working 
Girl, simultaneously teaching а 
Staten Island accent to Melanie 
Griffith and Joan Cusack, both 
Oscar nominees that year. Well- 
versed in almost 50 dialects that he 
ad-libs in mid-conversation, Easton 
also helps his clients overcome ас- 
cents, as he did with strong man 
Arnold Schwarzenegger in Red 
Heat. “Is typically Austrian to sub- 
stitute a В fora Р. Arnold would say, 
“Ve are going into the willage looting 
and blundering’” Easton coached 
Mel Gibson for the upcoming Bird. 
on a Wire, in which Gibson hides out 
under various assumed identities as 
a Southerner, an Australian and a 
gay hairdresser. Easton also helped 
Tom Cruise pick up the speech 
rhythms of Massapequa, Long Is- 
land, to portray Ron Kovic in Born 
on the Fourth of July. Even top mim- 
® consult Easton. “Last week, Lily 
Tomlin called from Dallas—she’s 
adding a couple of characte 
from Boston and a wom: 
New Orleans, to her one-woman 
show and asked for help on the 
dialects." One of Easton's favorite 
client gner, whom he 
coached for "TV's Нам to Hart. 
“Every time we meet, we still use the 
line we worked on. I say, “Are you 
really Swiss?" And he says, ‘If I vas 
any more Sviss, 1 vould be a cuckoo 
clock.” 


1977 weightlifting epic Pumping Iron). 
How one reacts to In the Blood may be en- 
tirely а question of cultural conditioning, 
‘The movie argues that big-game hunting 
is somehow al 10 conservation, and it 
includes some striking old footage of 
"Theodore Roosevelt stalking game on the 
Dark Continent. The movie ends with But- 
lers 13-year-old son ‘Tyssen, who doubles as 
narrator, bagging his first water 
ring his face with the 
blood in the timcless today-you-arc- 
Anyone who buys that will prob- 
h the rest of it, but blood sport 
just ain't my bag. ¥¥ 
б 

naking Lord of the Flies (Columbia) 
nly adds American accents and extrav- 
ly colorful scenery to the William 
ng classic. The original film, made in 
1963 by director Peter Brook, closely fol- 
lowed Goldings novel about shipwrecked 
English schoolboys going savage on a trop- 
ical island. Director Harry Hooks Ameri- 
canized version is imperfect—too much 
happens too quickly to be altogether be- 
licvable—but the tale remains ha and 
compelling. Among the best of the crowd 
here is Paul Balthazar Getty (grandson of 
the late billionaire J. Paul Getty) as the 
marooned cadet who tries to preserve civi- 
lized values. www 


Re 


. 

А 1954 Cadillac convertible has the title 
role in Coupe de Ville (Universal), director 
Joe Roth's breezy family comedy about 
three semi-estranged brothers transport 


ing a vintage car from Detroit to Florida. 
“The car is a birthday gift for their mother 
(Rita Taggart) from their father (Alan 
Arkin). 


Seuing the boys together, it turns 
n emotional coup more important 
the Coupe de Ville. Of course, 
the Caddy endures fire, accident and other 
damage en route, while the guys— Pau ick. 
Dempsey, Daniel Stern and Arye Gross— 
play an ongoing game of getting to know 
you. Annabeth Gish adds love interest as 
the college girlfriend Gross finds shacked 
up with another guy in Florida. The best 
thing about the movie is Dempscy's bump- 
tious, volatile stint as the wayward 
youngest brother. УУУ 
б 

Described as a black comedy from a 
novel by Charles Willeford, the orgy of vio- 
lence called Miami Blues (Orion) is memo- 
rable mainly for Alec Baldwins hot 
performance as а criminal psychopath. 
The movie—directed with cuttingly clean 
by George Armitage, who also adapt- 
a star-of-tomorrow showcase for 
miling, gruff, blue-eyed Baldwin, 
playing a congenital thief and murderer 
you can't help liking until he starts to ex- 
plode in fury Opposite Baldwin, Fred 
Ward appears to advantage as а deter- 
mined detective who has problems with 
his false teeth. Jennifer Jason Leigh also 
does her thing wit 
young prostitute who ostensibly believes 
her late killer beau had his good side. ¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce uilliamson. 


Blue Steel (Reviewed 4/90) A troubled 
lady cop (Jamie Lee Curtis) meets a 
Wall Street pyscho (Ron Silver). 14% 
n 
s modern classic. WWW Va 
Camille Claudel (2/90) Isabelle Adjani's 
long-winded ode to the sculptress. v2 
The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover 
(4/90) Raunch in a restaur: Wh 
ng places 

vu 
Driving Miss Daisy (2/90) Freeman, also 
atthe wheel, and Tandy superb. vy 
Enemies, a Love Story (3/90) By Mazursky 
out of Singer, polygamy in New York 
post-Holocaust. Www, 
А Flame in My Heart (4/90) In French 
with sex, nudity and complexity. ж 
Glory (3/90) Great battles and grand 
black actors in a Civil War epic. му 
The Handmaid's Tale (Scc review) No 
choice at all for the chosen ones. Жуу 
Henry Y (1/90) Taking a chance on the 
Bard, Branagh triumph: КҮЛ 
The Icicle Thief (See review) An Italian 
comedy with a sunny, surreal edge. ¥¥¥ 
In the Blood (See review) An ode to the 
joy of hunting big game. w 
The Loserman (4/90) Chinese-American 
ina high-tech whodunit of sorts. ¥¥Y 
Lord of the Flies (See review) Kemake ot 
the classic, still a chiller. wy 
Love af Large (See review) Ladies’ man 
Berenger playing who's who. WA 
Mama, There's a Man in Your Bed (4/90) 
Cleaning lady meets French tycoon. 
Men Don't Leave (4/90) Jessica Lange as а 
feisty young widow. 


fun and baaad Bald 
Mountains of the Moon (3/90) Enthralling 
saga of a search for the Nile. e 
Music Box (2/90) Lange again, excellent 
as a Chicago lawyer with a Nazi father 
in her closet. vvv 


My Left Foot (12/89) А coup by Daniel 
ww 


Day-Lewis as an Irish genius. 
New Year's Day (Scc review) Р 
ty hosted by director Jaglom. 
The Plot Against Harry (4/90) A Jewish 
gangster just out of jail—made ages 
ago but well worth a look. wy 
Rosalie Goes Shopping (Sce review) 
Fraulein Sagebrecht on a spree. wu 
Strapless (See review) Women learn, the 
hard way, to do their own thing. vy 
The Tall Guy (9/39) Re-edited since our 
September review, still farfetched but 
funnier. wu 
The War of the Roses (3/90) Turner and 
Douglas in a lethal marital farce. vvv 


vena Outstanding 
Yyyy Don't miss уу Worth a look 
жуз Good show ¥ Forget it 


© 1930 Dep Corporation. 


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a smoke stain 
from one cigarette. 
If you think it 
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were using a regular, or even a tartar control toothpaste. 12 

But with Topol smoker's toothpaste, not only can you fight 
plaque and tartar. You can also brush away the smoking stains. == 


Which makes Topol a habit every smoker should have. ! 
Nothing Removes Smoking Stains Better Than Topol. 


VIDEO 


STILL WATERS RUNS DEEP 

Before he tackled The Birth of a Nation, 
D. W Griffith apprenticed on crude but 
lively low-budget flicks. Similarly, before 
John Waters could enter the commercial 
mainstream with 1988's Hairspray or his 

ен “musical-comedy love story” Cry-Baby 
(at left), he 
had to give us 
an obese 
transvestite 
munching 
dog waste. 10 
each his own, 
So lets 
remember 
Waters’ weird 
old days—all 
on video. 
Mondo Trasho (1969): Ponderously over- 
Jong first feature redeemed by an inventive 
sound track and ile sequence in which an 
executioner chops the heads off live chick- 
ens, Waters edited the silent b & w film on 
his ien table, And it shows. 
Multiple Maniacs (1970): A classic. From 
the “Cavalcade of Perversions” to Divine’s 
tragic rape by giant lobster, something to 
offend everyone. Tenderest moment: 
Divine getting sodomized with a rosary, 
intercut with а reenactment of the 
Crucifixion. Martin Scorsese, cat your 
heart out. 
Pink Flamingos (1972): The one and only. 
Filmed on a shoestring budget in an aban- 
doned trailer park, the story follows two 
families vying for the title of “filthiest рео- 
ple alive.” Edith Massey is unforgettable as 
the retarded egg lady, and Divine’ leg 
endary dog-doo nosh almost pales beside 


the chicken-fuck sequence. A must for the 
entire family. 

Female Trouble (1974): Scathing social 
satire in the guise of shock humor. Waters’ 
most difficult film to endure 15 also the 
purest expression of his themes: aberrant 
behavior, suburbia and eye make-up. 
Desperate Living (1977): Waters’ funniest. 
Duckinga murder rap, aderanged heiress 
and her obese maid flee to the monarchy 
of Queen Carlotta. No Divine in this one, 
but Jean is uproarious as the maid. 
Best line? Sicko policeman French-kissing 
the heiress: “I wish I could stick my whole 
head in your mouth and have you suck out 
my eyeballs!” 

Polyester (1981): Humiliated by her philan- 
dering husband, sluttish daughu 
crazed son, Francine Fishpaw (| 
seeks redemption in the arms of stud 
puppet Tab Hunter. Fairly mild effort; 
improves with repeated viewing. Sublime 
line: *Bobo's dead, and Гуе had a mis- 
carriage. But Гуе discovered mı 
(Ask your video retailer if he still carries 
Odorama cards. You don’t want to miss 
scent number two.) —DAVID LEFKOWITZ 


VIDEO SLEEPERS 
good movies that crept out of town 

Duel: Steven Spiclberg's hair-raising first 
feature (based on Richard Matheson's 
Playboy story and tclecast in 1971) stars 
Dennis Weaver as a motorist pursucd by a 
mysterious truck driver. 

Murmur of the Heart: Another 1971 land- 
mark, Louis Malle's coming-ol-age French 
comedy features a boy (Benoit Ferreux), 
his worldly mom (Lea Massari) and movie- 


Field of Dreams (baseball as metaphor for ethereal father/ 
son reconciliation; Kevin Costner stars); Fear Strikes Out 


FEEL LIKE ROOTING 


Tony Perkins оз Jimmy 


took mental illness high and inside); Bang the Drum Slowly 
(seminal De Niro weeper, newly priced for sale). 


Bloodhounds of Broadway (feisty Runyon redux; Madonna 
and Randy Quaid dance cheek ю geek); The Big Picture 


FEELING SHOWBIZZY 


(Kevin Bacon as hot-shot film director who makes a mas- 


terflop); The Music Teacher (opera singer quits the stage to 
tutor young hopefuls, then we find out why). 


Cosualties of War (chaste ‘Nam newcomer Michael J. Fox 
defies plundering sarge Sean Penn); Romero (Raul Julia as 


FEELING EMBATTLED 


El Solvador's martyred archbisho 


Johnny Handsome (de- 


formed thug Mickey Rourke suffers slings, etc., gets make- 
aver, gets Ellen Barkin, remains thug). 


When former Herman's 
Hermit (and current VH- 
1 featured host) Peter 
Noone was а wee lad in 
‚England, he saw а lot of 
movies with his dad— 
“And those are the 
videos | rent now. Like 
The Bridge on the River 
Kwai, The African Queen and Buster Keaton in 
anything. But war and cowboy movies were the 
thing for English boys back then, with all-Ameri- 
can heroes like John Wayne and Gary Cooper” 
Noone, who's now recording solo, is also а 
pushover for movie musicals such as Oliver! and 
Girl Crazy. And although he tries to sneak in 
other personal faves (Bang the Orum Slowly, 
Weeds), he admits that the family VCR really be- 
longs to is daughter. “She's the big renter in 
the family. Lady and the Tramp and Cinderella 
are on a lot." 


um and en 
borough and Oscar nominee Kim Stanley. 
Don't miss it 

The Stunt Man: Lost in the shuffle a dec- 
ade ago (1980), this picture stars Peter 
O'Toole at his best asa demented movie di- 
rector on location. — —BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


THE HARDWARE CORNER 


Cut!: With Azden's VE-100 Video Editor, 
the cutting-room floor stays clean—and so 
do your tapes. Complete with fade-in/fade- 
out capability, it works with all VCRs 
wireless infrared remote and can make аз 
many as 200 cuts in one tape. 
ТУ Orientation: Just when you thought 
the Japanese and the Koreans had taken 
over the US. video market, here come the 
Chinese. Seen at recent international trade 
shows are 19-inch color TVs made under 
the Kaige Electronics label. Are they des- 
tined for your living room? Stay tuned. 
—MAURY LEVY 


VUE TAKES 


Strangest War Video; Ducks Under Siege; Most 
Desperate Video: Dance for Your Life; Most 
Inviting Vid Title: АМ American Hussy, Least 
Inviting Vid Title: Ricks, Your Place for Fanta- 
sy; Most Compelling How-to 


Marbleized Paper, Crayons with Paint and 
Other Resists; Best “Lets Not” Video: Lets Go 
Skate; Best It's-a-Living Video: A Video Guide 
to Metallic Cartridge Reloading. 


не 


When riding is the end, not the means. 


The new Suzuki VX800. Remember when you rode a motorcycle purely for the fun of if? If not, 
the new Suzuki VX800 will help refresh your memory. 

The VX800 blends classic looks with contemporary technology. Smooth, beautiful lines flow from fuel 
tank to tail section. A traditional upright seating position provides across-the-board riding comfort. 

And at the heart, a slender, powerful 805cc V-twin delivers high torque over a broad range. While the 
low maintenance shaft drive smoothly transmits power to the premium Metzeler rear tire. 

The new Suzuki VX800. Now getting there can be much more than half the fun. 


CHARLES М. YOUNG 


ATLANTIC RECORDS made Ruth Brown a star 
and she made Atlantic a record com- 
pany—and now Adantic has brought her 
into the compact-disc age with a lengthy 
two-disc set, Miss Rhythm (Greatest Hits and 
More), that anthologizes the hits, the misses 
and the never-released songs of an ex- 
traordinarily creative period from 1949 to 
1961. Almost all the cuts have enormous 
charm—and educational value- 
examples of where rock and roll origin 


ed. Although Brown's phrasing becomes 


more sophisticated over the years, it is her 
exuberance that is the essential quality 
here, and that is never lacking. 

Led by John Easdale, Dramarama cap- 
tures that pure Sixtics feeling of suspicion 
that everything you are told is going on is 
just a distraction from what is really going 
on. From there, the influences of early Bob 
Dylan and the Byrds, plus а touch of Led 
Zeppelin, flow naturally on Stuck in Wonder- 
emaland (Chameleon). Easdale's lyrics 
strike a balance between vision and free as- 
sociation, so that even a song about watch- 
ing reruns late at night resonates not with 
the usual irony and self-deprecation but 
with culture-wide inanity I also like to 
chant along with the title cut. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Deborah Harry is a sexpot in her 40s 
who has Known international stardom and 
tough times—as а chick singer, a waitress 
at Max's, a pop punkeue, a star whose mo- 
at slipped away as life partner Chris 
fought and defeated a life-threaten- 
g illness. Although the Harry-Stein 
songs aren't as edgy as others, her pseudo- 
tough irony is intact on Def, Dumb and 
Blonde (Sirc)—cspccially on its riskicr CD 
version. On Г Want That Man, Harry plays 
the forward-looking sexpot as wickedly аз 
ever; on End of the Run, she mourns her 
moment as if Sunsel Boulevard were sı 
ahead of her; and in between, she lusts 
га bicycle messenger, tries on some 
pop and samba and wonders how she got 
into this comic book. 

Exene Cervenka is a sexpot in her 30s 
whose roots—punk band X—went ker- 
flooey some time after she split with life 
partner John Doe. Cervenka goes for roots 
and poetry on her solo debut, Old Wives’ 
Tales (Rhino). Too often, her protesttinged 
sincerity cries out for a nasty jolt of ju 
guitar, but sisterly tales such as She Wanted 
and White Trash Wife give form to the kind 
of natural feminist sympathies rock-and- 
roll sexpots—who are kept busy protecting 
their ely have time for 

Wendy James is a sexpot in her 90s who 
shares a band called Transvision Vamp 
with life partner Nick Christian Sayer. On 


Queen Ruth. 


Sexpots sizzle 
while Ruth 
Brown gets down. 


Velveteen (Uni/MCA), the second TV al 
bum, shc sings Sayer-penned junk-ruck 
songs about being in it for the sex—Baby I 
Don't Care says it, I Want Your Love codes it, 
and so forth—as if she'd never heard that 
killer riff before in her life. Rarely has mu- 
sic produced more соп g soft-core 
porn, Enjoy it while you can—she could 
change her tune before you know it. 


DAVE MARSH 


ds as ancient as the Ap- 
ians, but Bill Monroe consciously 
trucied it in the late Thirties out of 
Appalachian folk songs. Now the beautiful 
synthesis he crafted can be heard at its 
greatest on Bluegrass 1950—1958 (from West 
Germany's Bear Family, the world's pre- 
miere reissue label, but most readily acc 
sible through Down Home Music t 103 20 
San Pablo Avenue, El Cerrito, € 
94530). Monroes singing and п 
work are breath-taking, the material, 
whether ancient or newly composed, is fine 
and the sidemen include such stalwarts as 
Vassar Clements, Jimmy Martin, Sonny 
Osborne, Owen Bradley and Carter Stan- 
ley. This four-CD boxed set isn't cheap, but 
there's not a wasted note on 

Meanwhile, back in the Nineties, Joan 
Jett, confronted with а contemporary- 
lio scene that makes the Romanian a 
tocracy look avant-garde, fights fire with 
fire: The Hit list (BlackhearuCBS) is an 
album of rock classics, songs previously 


ade famous by everybody from Roy 
Orbison to the Sex Pistols. But as the segue 
from Roy's Love Hurts to the Pistols’ Pretty 
Vacant shows, Jets retrenchment is a 
peculiarly smooth one. Such surprising 
choices as ZZ Tops Tush, the Chambers 
Brothers’ Time Has Come Today and Jimi 
Hendrix’ Up from the Skies serve the pur- 
pose of defining the style of Joan Jett. 


МС GARBARINI 


Hardly anyone got excited about The Jimi 
Hendrix Concerts (Reprise), a collection of 
some of the master’s last and finest live 
performances, when it was first released on 
1982. But now reissued on one CD 
a bonus track (Foxey Lady), this record 
¡ds me of rocks great transcendental 
Hendrix' playing here recalls the 


E ] 


Paula Poundstone is a fast-on-her-fect. 
comic who pops up regularly on “Late 
Night with David Letterman,” among 
other hot venues. We asked her to pick 
a record she likes and talk about it. 
Here is Poundstone’ opinion of Tracy 
Chapman's second LP, “Crossroad: 

“A friend of mine said that Cross- 
roads was basically the same LP as 
Chapman's first one. It could almost 
be the same album and I could still 
listen to it, because Tracy's debut was 
truly brilliant. But it's not the same 
album at all. True, Tracy's not doing 
ferently—but 
what she has to say musically and 
lyrically is so valid that it could still 
be worth hearing a million times 
Subcity, Be Careful of My Heart and 
All That You Have Is Your Soul are 
my favorites here. The subtlety of 
her musical style wears well over 
time, but it’s just as important to me 
that she and I share a lot ideologic: 
ly. Hey, its hard not to share Tracy's 
views—she's right. And it doesnt 
matter that we grew up under such 
he makes 
me want to know about that world, 1 
hope artists like Tracy Chapman 
be catalysts for acti 


1 


Katana 750. Fer th 


FAST TRACKS 


| Christgau | Garbarini EXGUHE George | Marsh 


| Young 
M IAE 
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КАКЕН ЮН. 
Bier ES 5 al Pile 56 
Гоа lel 


IT'S ENOUGH ТО GIVE YOU THE BLUES DEPART- 
.O.P. National Committee chair- 
man Lee Atwater is recording a blues 
album, with B. B. King as one of his guest 
stars. Since all proceeds go to charity, 
well try to be charitable. 

REEUNG AND ROCKING: Bruce Springsteen 
is allowing producer Rob Stone Lo use 
his cover of Woody Guthrie's / Ain't Got 
No Home for a short film about a home- 
less man Called The Sidewalk Motel. 
Cyndi Lauper will star in Paradise Paved, 
а comedy-thriller for producer Aaron 
Russo. ... After her concert tour, Madon- 
na will star in Blessing in Disguise, her 
first project for her own film-produc- 
tion company. Warren Beatty will co- 
produce and, we hear, may even appear 
in the movie. . . . Latest word on the 
Josephine Baker movie bio is that Irene 
Cara has the lead. ... Another famous 
name will participate in Oliver Stone's 
Jim Morrison movie. Paula Abdul has been 
hired to coach actor Val Kilmer on some 
of Morrison's moves. 

NEWSBREAKS: Pay-per-view concerts 
don't come close to a Mike Tyson fight in 
terms of viewers, but the Stones show 
this past winter beat out all previous 
rock shows. . . . Todd Rundgren has been 
commi ore by producer Joe Papp to 
write a musical about Buddha (believe 
it!) ly Joel has made a special ten- 
minute audio tape of We Didn't Start the 
Fire for Scholastic Inc. Forty thousand 
copies of the cassette will he distribu 
to junior and senior high schools across 
the country, along with a lesson plan 
for teachers. Glenn Frey and Jimmy 
Buffett are writing a musical called 
Rules of the Road. Larry 1. King, who 
wrote The Best Little Whorchouse in 
Texas, is writing the book. Could this be 
Broadway bound? . . . Up for the fi 
annual Ralph J. Gleason Music Books 
award, along with Dylan and Brian 


d 


Epstein biographies, was something 
called The Real Frank Zappa Book. 
Way to go, Frank! . . . Ric Ocasek has 
completed a book of poems and photo- 
graphs and is now in the studio work- 
ing on an album. Ocasck says he wants 
to tour with the finished album, but 
don't expect anything from the Cars. 
Says Ric, “There is no more Саг"... 
Little Evo, Carole King's former baby sitter, 
whose Loco-Motion was а 1962 hit, has a 
new record contract and has written 
her autobiography. There is even some 
movie talk going around. Who would 


Eva like to see play her as a teen? Tem- 
pestt Bledsoe, . . . Dylan is in the studio 
cutting tracks, possibly for his next al- 
bum, with the likes of Stevie Roy and 
Jimmie Vaughan. . . . Aerosmith's three- 
night stand in Boston this past winter 
collected 20 tons of food for the city’s 
hungry The band offered backstage 
passes to people who brought in the 
number of cans that matched the call 
numbers of their favorite radio station. 
Eight hundred fans took them up on 
the oller and the musicians stayed 
around to shake hands with all of 
them. .. . Some rock fans saw John Lee 
Hooker for the first time when he played 
guitar on the Stones’ pay-per-view con- 
cert, but musician fan: the know, Ry 
Cooder, Bonnie Raitt and Robert Cray, 
taped a TV special with Hooker to air 
- There's а hot new bi 


ne is Guts, The bai 
manager, Alen Niven, also manages Guns 
n' Roses. Once you have Guts and Slash, 
isn't it time to rest on your laurels? 

Finally, Ted Nugent is marching to the 
beat of his own drum once again. His 
hunting song, Fred Bear—American 
Hunters Theme Song, has sold 20,000 
copies through his mail-order business. 
Who said all catalog business was up- 
scale? — BARBARA NELLIS 


— 


ics around a melody, well, like a bird. And 


strip. Hendrix was always an intuitive 
artist, not a high-tech craftsman 
many of todays speed demons, who race 
blindly up and down scales as he 
were paid by the note. Nowhere is his bri 
liance more apparent than on the tracks 
where he works within the deceptively sim- 
ple matrix of the blues—particularly on 
Hear My Train a Comin’, perhaps the most 
sublimely impassioned eight minutes of 
rock and roll I've ever heard. After a 
decade of carrying a battered tape of those 
four tracks around the globe with me, 1 
remain delighted and awed by their con- 
tents. Now itis time to go digital. 


NELSON GEORGE 


My bet is that in the Nineties, African- 
American artists will finally exercise the 
freedom to exit the record-industry-con- 
structed box called black music. Tracy 
Chapman and Living Colour opened the 
doors, and the latest product of this new 
environment is Vinnie James, a Harlem- 
born singer-songwriter who now resides in 
Orange County, California, where he com- 
poses rocking guitar-based songs of. 
protest and pride. Since a couple of tunes 
‘on All American Boy (Cypress) feature James 
on acoustic guitar, the impulse to compare 
him to Tracy Chapman is obvious. But 
backed by a mainstream rock-and-roll 
combo on Freedom Gried, All American Boy 
and Landslide, he reminds me of John 
Cougar Mellencamp. James essays topics 
both obvious (pollution in Here Goes To 
morrow) and unexpected (Native Ameri 
can exploitation in Hey Geronimo) with the 
same passion. Numbing at times and a bit 
short on humor, James still hits the mark 
more times than not. The acoustical Black 
Money is onc of the best lyrical descriptions 
of drug abuse Гус heard. 

In the late, not-so-lamented Eighties, 
New York ‘Teddy Riley inspired а genre 
called new jack swing. The phrase 
come to describe a certain range of beats, 
keyboard riffs and san associated 
with it. Bobby Brown, Keith Sweat and Al 
B. Sure! are among those who've benefited 
from the new-jack-swing approach. But it 
can be as much a strait jacket as a creative 
force. On Jeff Redd’s debut, A Quiet Storm 
(Uptown/MCA), the young vocalist strug- 
gles with the new jack swing's zipper. I 
stead of being energetic dance music, the 
preduct has been stifled by calculation. 
Redd is caught in the conundrum of mak- 
ing a fashionable record while trying to 
showcase his real talents. And those talents 
are apparent on Love High, which gives 
good play to Redd's passionate low tenor. Г 
Like Your Love (I Like It) blends some new 
jack elements with a strong rhythm-and- 
blues hook. Redd's problem is that if his 
new jack swinging misses, his richer mate- 
rial may get lost as well. 


Ву DIGBY DIEHL 


SPRING is the perfect season for Tom Rob- 
bins’ new novel, Skinny Legs and All (Ban- 
tam)—a book filled with youthful erotic 
energy, boundless fanciful imagination 
and a playful sense of humor about even 


the most profound matters. Robbins 
leapfrogs from fertility rites to the mean- 
of art, from Middle Eastern pc 


the origins of religion with comic e: 
dazzling verbal prestidigitation. 
Plot summaries never do Robbins jus- 
tice, but the main plot of Skinny Legs and 
All concerns a young artist named Ellen 
Cherry who gocs to New York City from 
Colonial Pines, Virginia, and ends up а 
hostess at Isaac & Ishmacl’s, a rcs 
opened by an Arab and a Jew across from 
the United Nations as an eccentric gesture 
toward Middle Eastern peace, On Supe 
Bowl Sunday, she and the rest of an S.R.O. 
crowd mysteriously experience a series of 
philosophical epiphanies as a teenage belly 
dancer who calls herself Salome does the 
Dance of the Seven Veils, skinny legs and 
all. A few of the numerous subplots con- 
cern Ellen's uncle Buddy, а Baptist televan- 
gelist who plots to bomb the Dome of the 
Rock in Jerusalem imalist street per 
former named Turm Around Norman, 
whose performance is w rotate 360 de- 
grees in the course of a day without ever 
perceptibly moving; and Spoon, Can o’ 
Beans, Dirty Sock, Painted Stick and 
Conch Shell, an extraordinary group of 
objects that talk, travel around the world 
n that humans arc suffe: 


cus parading along with nonstop laughter. 
He also weaves plenty of metaphorical 
mazes into the narrative for those who arc 
so inclined. But primarily, this story is just 
flat-out funny and fabulous (to use the 
word accurately, for a change). 

Another new novel with a freshness 
apropos of spring is Philip Roth's Deception 
(Simon & Schuster). In previous books, 
Roth expended his spirit in a waste of 
same—obsessively grinding and regrind- 
ing skeleton keys in an attempt to unlock 
the secrets of his psyche. In this sensuous, 
intimate record of the conversations 
between a middle-aged Jewish writer and 
his younger English lover (and, later, be- 
tween him and his wife), those secrets 
emerge effortlessly, subtly Written entirely 
in lucid, evocative dialog, this book needs 
no stage directions. Roth enables us to 
hear the inflections, sense the pauses, 
experience the emotions with uncanny 
immediacy, 

The adulterous love affair in Deception is. 
fascinating because the lovers so thor 
oughly enjoy each other as they bask in 
heightened conversational banter and sex- 
ual excitement in a tiny walk-up flat in 


Robbins’ new Skinny Legs and All. 


The Dance of the Seven 
Veils, Philip Rothis latest 
and a trip to brewski heaven. 


London's Notting Hill. There is a sweet- 
ness. a tenderness to this novel that ap- 
pears to reflect a new plateau in Roth's 
writing (and that same quality echoes the 
best youthful romantic touches in the title 
story of his first book, Goodbye Columbus). 

In her long and prolific career, Joyce 
rol Oates has written well in many 
genres and grappled admirably with vari- 
ous themes. But Because It’s Bitter, and Be- 
20th novel, 
my view, her finest achievern 
this book, Courtney, a white wom 
and Jinx Fairchild, a black man, are linked 
Бу a childhood secret: Jinx killed a boy in a 
fight to protect Iris, and she, the only wi 
ness to the 


of them is strangely haunted by the bond 
of guilty knowledge they share. The ра! 
lel lives, separate and unequal, of white 
families and black families in that era are 
portrayed with a sensitivity that says more 
about race relations in America than do 
bookshelves full of sociology texts. Oates's 
novel is powerful because it re-creates with 
һу and honesty a pivotal time in our 
ive experience. 

F of Staff of the Army throughout 
World War Tivo, Nobel laureate and twice 
selected Man of the Year by Time, Genera 
George С. Marshall doesn't seem like а 
man who'd recede in American memory. 
Until recently, however, Marshall has been 
pushed to the side on the stage of history 
by the colorful figures of Patton and 
MacArthur, Now Ed Cray has written the 


comprehei masterful biography that. 
Marshall de in General of the Army 
(Norton). As а soldier, Marshall fought in 
World War One as an aide to General 
Pershing and was the brilliant military 
strategist and planner behind the Allied 
victory in World War Two. As Secretary of 
State under Truman, he was the architect 
of the European Recovery Act, better 
known as the Marshall Plan, which rebuilt 
hattered postwar Europe. Cray gives us 
sights into the private man as well as an 
understanding of his crucial roles 
extraordinary period in world history, 
This poru of the man Winsto 
Churchill called "the greatest Roman of 
them all" is rich and readable 


BOOK BAG 


The Great Beer Trek (Stephen Greene), by 
Stephen Morris: A trip to brewski heaven 
Beer history, beer folklore, a virtual Who's 
Who of breweries and enough hopped-up 
information to make your mouth water. 
More than even Norm Peterson ever want- 
ed to know about suds! 

Adventuring in the Caribbean (Sierra 
Club), by Carrol В. Fleming: An eas 
understand profile of 40 islands. 

The Bugs Bunny Golden Jubilee (Henry 
Holt), by Joe Adamson: The “wascally 
wabbi 0 years old and this illustrated 
filmography is chockablock with informa- 
tion on Warner Bros.’ talented top toon. 

Slang! (Pocket), by Paul Dickson: A way- 
cool, categorized dictionary of American 
lingoes. Like, totally for the language 
freaks. You could look it up, dude. 

The Democratic Forest (Doubleday), by 
m Eggleston: One hundred and fifty. 
nt photographic images of the South 
and other, more worldly locales. 

Save Our Planet: 750 Everyday Ways You 
Can Help Clean Up the Earth (Dell), by Diane 
MacEachern: What the Whole Earth Cata- 
log was to the Sixties and the Seventies, 
this book should be for the rest of this 
decade and into the next century. 

The Sports Afield Treasury of Fly Fishing 

(NLB), edited by Tom Paugh: Reading this 
selection of 50 articles on fly-fishing, culled 
from the 100-year history of Sports Afield 
magazine, is almost as good as slipping in- 
to the waders and angling a fastrunning 
trout stream yourself. 
Closed Circuit History (Mage), by Ardeshir 
Mohassess: This visceral collection of 
sketches from Irans leading caricaturist 
and graphic artist (and frequent Playboy 
ill tor) is a striking portrait of a coun- 
try and a people in turmoil. 

Hype ond Glory (Villard), һу William 
Goldman: The hilarious memoir of a man. 
whose wish comes true when he is a judge. 
both the Cannes Film Festival and the 
Miss America pageant in the same year. 


-to- 


33 


Some Of The Best Relationships 
Are On The Rocks. 


I'm not sure when it began. At first it 


was the little things. Having to ask for a 
kiss. Looks of exasperation over small, 
petty mistakes. 

Then it got even rougher. Small argu- 
ments developed out of almost everything. 
Slowly a barrier was forming between us. 
Conversations had a chill to them that 
was beginning to become visible even to our 
friends. I knew that if I didn’t do something 
our relationship could be in trouble. 

So I surprised her, and myself, by 
doing something totally unexpected. I 
bought a boat. And a Johnson" outboard. 
And a two-man tent. 

She acted as if it were the first spon- 
taneous thing Га done in years. And I 
guess it was. 


We loaded the boat, motored to a re- 


Nothing Beats The Experience. 


mote location, and set up camp. There were 
no televisions or phones to interrupt. Just 
the wide open sky and water, and for the 
first time in a long time, an open dialogue. 

We laughed like we haven't laughed 
in years. And we both felt like staying there 
forever. But coming back again and again 
will be no problem. 

Because my outboard is a Johnson, 
the most dependable engine you can buy. 
So I can count on weekends like this for 
years and years and years. 

Nor 
ing through the same thing we did, 1 tell 


hen 1 see friends of mine go- 


m 


them to get away and spend sometimeon 
the rocks. They just look 


at me like I’m crazy. 


I guess you just 


have to be there. 


“Johnson 


For the name of the nearest Johnson dealer, call 1-800-255-2550 


E 


; “He loves my mind. 
dhe drinks Johnnie Walker" 


Good taste is always an asset. 5 


©1988 Blended Scotch Whigiy 86,8 Proof. Imported by Schieten & Somerset, New York; NY. 


SPORTS 


Y: could call a golf tournament or a 
bow! game the Adolf Hitler Child 
Abuse Classic and 1 bet that for enough 
money, some TV network would ai 

This was the state of corporate sponsor- 
ship in sports when I last looked, which 
was a few hours ago, as an advertiser was 
stitching a logo onto an athlete's jockstrap. 

The legacy of the Eighties is that we be- 
gan to live in the tasteful world of the 
US.E&G. Sugar Bowl and the К mart 
Greater Greensboro Open 

As greed kicked in, very few executives 
in charge of sports gave the slightest 
thought to image, taste or historical pres- 
ervation. Money mattered. Nothing else. 

Did this do anything to uplift the games 
people play? No. It only dragged them 
spiritually downward and along the way 
fostered a growing number of competitors 
who are now more spoiled and less dedi- 
cated than ever. 

‘Television can be blamed for not caring 
whether or not an event has dass. All the 
networks have ever wanted is somet] 
they can wrap commercials around. 

Advertisers can be blamed for not hav- 
ing a shred of dignity or subtlety in their 
souls. If it sells products, who cares how 
many streets are overrun with bumpkins 
who consider John Madden an intellectual 
and wear mouse caps to supermarkets? 

Thisis nothing new in American society. 
There's a sucker born every commercial 
minute, as Brent Mushurger's agent might 
say, or as the movie Batman proves. 

What was new and disappointing in the 
Eighties was the alarming number of 
sports organizations and commissioners. 
such as His Lordship Deane Beman of the 
РС.А. Tour, who couldn't wait to jump gin- 
gerly into the corporate cesspool and go 
breast-stroking through the logos. 

Here is where the real blame lies for 
what can only be called a depressing epi- 
demic. Grand images and time-honored 
traditions were quickly discarded for dol- 
lars only, and nobody seemed to care ex- 
cept а few screaming psychotics like me, 
who have been labeled troublemakers. 
‘They saw the future and it was jock- 
ifling C.E.O.s throwing money into the 
r. I saw the future and it was boring. 

I still try hard not to know what 
US.E&G. stands for, unless it's Uninterest- 
ing Sponsorship Fools & Gofers. 

Beman is an amazing study. Each year, 
he somehow defends his title as The Great 
Manipulator. 

He forced a corporate logo on almost ev- 


By DAN JENKINS 


THE LOGO JAM 


ery cowering golf-tournament organiza- 
tion on the pro tour—their numbers are 
legion, not to forget spineless—while man- 
aging to keep his own pet event, The Play- 
ers Championship in Ponte Vedra, Florida, 
free of a contaminating corporate name, 
because he knew full well that its image 
would be cheapened and demeaned. 

Since this tournament is supposed to 
be the show window of Beman’s tour, 
should, in all fairness. be known as the 
AT&T. Chrysler Nissan Shearson Leh- 
man Hutton Honda Nestlé U.S.E&G. De- 
posit Guaranty M.C.l. К mart G.TE. 
Southwestern Bell Kemper Beatrice Bell- 
South Hardee's Federal Express N.E.C. 
Bank of Boston Ceniel JC Penney Nabisco 
Players Championship. 

Was thatas good for youas it was for me? 

I admire Beman in a way because he has 
no shame— none. He honestly cant under- 
stand why, in this land of opportunity, a 
sportswriter wouldn't sell his by-line: “By 
Tandy 1000% Steve Hershey of Nabisco's 
USA Today staff.” 

Something like that. 

But let's leave the touring pros to their 
sick affairs with nincompoop C.E.O.s and 
go on to something mo 
Like, 


Bowl? How dare the fine old Orange Bow! 
allow itself to become the Federal Express 
Orange Bowl? How dare the fine old Cot- 
ton Bowl allow itself to become the Mobil 


Cotton Bowl? How dare the fine old Gator 
Bowl allow itself to become the Mazda 
Gator Bowl? And how dare the fine old 
Sun Bow! allow itself to become the John 
Hancock Bowl? 

More important, how dare our nation's 
sports editors allow these names to appear 
in print, except in those isolated cases in 
which they choose to defend an organiza- 
tion's right to call itself something idiotic if 
it feels like 

Watching the bowl games this year, 1 
couldnt help squealing every time I caught 
a glimpse of one of those corporate patch- 
es on a player's jersey. Was Darian Hagan 
representing Colorado or Federal Ex- 
press? Was Craig Erickson representing 
the University of Miami or U.S.E&G.? 
Happily, Notre Dame didn't wear those 
patches in the Orange Bowl-—I hope that’s 
why they won. 

But it was the beloved Cotton Bowl in 
Dallas that achieved a new low in bad taste. 
As far as Г conld tell, Mobil was playing 
Mobil. 

‘The end zones weren't painted with the 
orange and white of Tennessee at one end 
and the red and white of Arkansas at the 
other. That would have been carrying on 
100 much of a tradition, and Mobil 
wouldn't have been getting its money's 
worth 

So both end zones were decorated in 
Mobil blue and they read мови. COTTON 
nd in case you missed that, the cen- 
ter of the playing field read мови. cor 
BOWL CLASSIC. 

1 call on Notre Dame to put an end to 
this silly business, for Notre Dame is the 
only school with the muscle to do 

All the news is not dreary on this subject. 
It has recently come to my attention that a 
few newspapers, including the prestigious. 
Washington Post, have decided to do their 
readers a service and stop attaching these 
corporate names to sports ev 

High time, 1 say And if this trend 
sweeps the country, it will be a far better 
world with a simple Sugar Bowl in the 
sports stories we read and a US.E&G. i 
the mouth of a TV sports shill, where it 
belongs. 


BOWL 


New: Sports scores by Playboy. Dial 
1-200-740-5500 for up-to-the-minute scores 
and information about mans second-favorite 
leisure activity, 75 cents per minute, 


37 


For people 
who like 
to smoke... 


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MEN 


Wi: ereou on October 3, 10802 
Tha was a Tuesday, remember? 
also the day that an attempted 
st General Manuel 
Antonio Noriega fell apart at the seams. 

To put it bluntly, George Bush and his 
advisors acted like wimps on that difficult 
day. They stood by and did nothing as a 
pro-American coup developed in Panama. 
The Panamanian military officers who op- 
posed Noriega made their first moves suc- 
cessfully, capturing the general, offe: 
turn him over to US, custody, control 
his headquarters for several hours and 
g for the blessing and succor of the 
President of the U.S.A. 

In any conventional script, that coup 
would have received our support. Our 
dirty work was being done for us. The peo- 
ple of ma were putting their own 
house in order. Had Bush moved on 
Noriega mug shot from a Florida jail 
would have been nationally distributed by 
mid-October 1989. 

Bur it did not happen. George Bush and 
his adı played Hamlet. They refused 
to commit their support to the rebellion 
and the coup failed. Rumor has it that as 
many as 30 of the i 
officers and soldiers were executed imme 
diately, That was bad news for the United 
States. After all, military coups to get rid 
of leaders we do not like are supposed to 
be a superpower specialty. In countries 
such as Panama, we buy the allegiance of 
key military officers early in their carcers, 
so that we can call in our chips when we 
need them. (For example, Manuel Antonio 
Noriega was first recruited and paid by 
US. intelligence in the late Fifties while 
studying at a military academy in Peru.) 

The mistakes made during the abortive 
coup of October third were potentially dis- 
astrous for Bush's domestic political fu- 
ture. As our President, he appeared 
ineffective in one of his first big tests. Even 
worse, as a former director of the Central 
Intelligence Agency, he seemed to have 
scant understanding of the signals being 
sent to him by his own intelligence people 
in Panama. To many foreign-policy insid- 
ers, October third marked the day when 
Bush truly screwed the pooch 

The Presidents image as a leader was 
placed under tough scrutiny. There were 
some cutting questions. Senator George 
Mitchell began to talk pointedly about 
Bush's timid foreign policy. Other polit 
Gans joined in with similar critiques. In 
psychological terms, the President was in 


By ASA BABER 


THE PRESIDENT’S 
MANHOOD 


nger of appearing emasculated. His Ad- 
ministration stood at a crossroads, victim- 
ized by its own inflated rhetoric about 
Noriega and the drug war. Bush had 
ked his manhood on success in that 
area, and he was losing. 

The cold fact is that the President had 
chosen to put his duel with Noriega at the 
top of the nal agenda. He was writing 
a Western that cast himself as the sheriff 
and Noriega as the bad guy. But because of 
his own blundering, Bush's script was 
turning sour, and the villain seemed to be 
ning. Bush had set up the confronta- 
on, but at high noon in October, he stayed 
home while Noriega strutted the streets. 

Asa result, many Americans, looking at 
the movie that they had been told to watch, 
were beginning to wonder if the country 
were in the hands of another Jimmy 
Carter. In Bush, did we have a basically 
ice but timid guy? And if so, what did 
that mean for our future? Images of recent 
American ineffectiveness flashed through 
our minds: the hostages in the Middle 
ast, the bombings in Lebanon, the shat- 
tered fuselage of Pan American flight 103, 
the crack houses in our cities—and now 
nother image heaped onto our aching 
psyches, the specter of Tony Cojones, dope 
dealer extraordinaire, a man who could 
thumb his nose with impunity at a preppie 
American President and get away with i 

No, that image was too much for all the 


President's men. Operation Just Cause was 
inevitable once the Bush Administration 
fumbled the October coup. Аз а people, 
we were primed for war. Bush wanted to 
show us that he was a man, not а mouse. 
We wanted timely proof that he would de- 
liver on his promises to eliminate Noriega 
and save us from drugs and darkness and 
dictators. It was a primitive—and danger- 
ous—transaction between the Presi 
and the American people. 

Dangerous? How so? 

Because we ran out of options and we 
ran out of flexibility and time. Because our 
sense of domestic discomfort and our need 
for Presidential reassurance overcame any 
hope of patient, hidden, subversive war- 
fare against Noriega and company. The 
American invasion of Panama was a brash 
instrument that cost much money and 
many American and Panamanian lives. It 
reinforced our image in most of Latin 
America as a strictly colonial power. And it 
showed ик to he, once again, impatient and 
excessive as a nation. Instead of letting the 
Panamanians appear to get rid of Noriega 
themselves and institute their own re- 
forms, we did it for them. We played Big 
Daddy and Uncle Sugar in our own hemi: 
sphere once again. We fulfilled certain do- 
mestic political needs, but at what price? 
Only time will tell, but time is not generally 
kind to blatantly colonial actions. 

It was high noon again, and the sheriff 
had to deliver this time or turn in his star. 
He did deliver, and then he denied any po- 
litical motivations for the invasion. “I 
didn't do something for a political reason," 
President Bush said. “That's not the reason 
Ido that. ___ We're not going to try to fur- 
bish a political image. That's ridiculous. 

Yes, sir, Mr. President. Whatever you say 
But you know and I know that itis no more 
ridiculous to charge you with domestic po- 
litical considerations in the invasion of 
Panama thai to send out some 25,000 
brave troops to capture one scum-bag 
drug dealer-and hood. There were other 
ways to do that, and you know most of 
them. But they would have taken a little 
more time, and in the interim, you would 
have had to let the nation endure some 
doubts about your own decision-making 
capabilities. 

But, Mr. President, when you are choos- 
ing between war and peace, and when 
there is no immediate military threat to the 
US.A., isn't that part of your job? 


39 


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BOKER SHORTS IN PUBIC 


Artist Woody Jackson 
created a cash cow. 


He also prefers 
cs A Christian Brothers Brandy. 
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T-shirts, caps, cutouts, ctc. 
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When you know better. 


WOMEN 


Hess af feste cepe mem 
the lobby of the 92nd Street Y in 
Manhattan. Several women were hysteri- 
cal. “There are no more tickets! It's sold 
out!” whined a woman in а major mink to 
the crowd at large. "I must have a ticket 
right now!” A blonde in a boa was waving 
money in the ай; others were begging at 
the box office. 

All to sce “Blue No More: Women Com- 
bat Love Addiction," a panel with Erica 
Jong, Gloria Steinen, Raoul Felder, Su- 
zanne Somers and Judy Collins. 

Alter plugging her new book, Erica 
opened the panel discussion with the ques- 
tion “How do you feel about the term 
codependency?” And the multitudes of 
women and the sprinkling of men in the 
vast auditorium audibly sighed and seuled. 
themselves, rapt and ready. 

Codependency is a very happening con- 
cept. Nobody knows precisely what 
means. The term comes from those 12 
step programs: Alcoholics Anonymou 
Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anon 
nous, Gamblers Anonymous, Sexaholics 
Anonymous. It describes mates or family 
members of addicts or recovering ad- 
dicts—the people who put up with and/or 
Jove addicted people. If you belong to Al- 
Anon or A.C.O.A. (Adult Children of Al- 
coholics), which are also I2-stcp programs, 
chances are good that you consider you 
self codependent. 

You consider yourself addicted to a rela- 
tionship that is bad for you, that under- 
mines you. You realize that instead of 
putting yourself and your happiness first, 
you give over all power to someone else, 
that what they think and feel is more im- 
portant than what you think and feel. Your 
entire being is involved in taking care of 
someone else, worrying about what he 
thinks of you, how he treats you, how you 
can make him treat you better. Right now, 
everyone in the world seems to think that 
he is codependent and that he comes from 
a dysfunctional family, They call it co- 
dependency; I call it the human condition. 

“Glor is thediffer- 
ence between a love addict and a normal 
woman? 

“Probably nothing,” 
to huge applause. She then went on to be 
thankful that what Fre 
female is now seen as a pathology That 
women who devote their entire lives to 
other human being are no longer per- 
ceived as normal. And that the terms 
battered woman and displaced homemak- 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


IT'S NOW, IT'S 
TRENDY, IT’S 
CODEPENDENCY! 


er were just called life ten years ago. 

“Most men need the golden rule,” 
Steinem said. “Most women need 10 re- 
verse the golden rule and learn how to 
treat ourselves as well as we treat other 
peopl 

Suzanne Somers talked about being a 
child of an alcoholic. “What our p do 


to us affects who we will be as adults. 1 
fa- 


grew up trying to make my alcoholi 
ther happy Later, when I was in a relatio 
ship, I used behavior patterns that were 
about childhood. If there was nothing 
wrong, 1 went out and created a с 
‘That was normal to me. That felt right, 1 
want й to feel right when its actually right. 
Oh, God, I sound like Chrissi 
“You people,” said Raoul Felder, a di 
vorce lawyer and the token man, “don't 
e a monopoly on this. Although I 
wouldn't call it addiction. Men call it obses- 
sion. I don't know that you can be addicted 
to a man in the same way you can be ad- 
dicted to a substance. Have you ever seen a 
ngle cell become addicted to alcohol? It 
an happen in five minutes; the cell be- 
comes a shaking mass of protoplasm. 
It’s happened to me!” cried Erica 
zanne explained that the same pain, 
the same emptiness that causes people to 
take drugs or drink is what causes co- 
dependents or love addicts to attach them- 


selves so destructively to other people. 

“But it aint illegal and they don't put you 
jail for that,” said Raoul. 

And that's the problem,” said Gloria as 
joke. 

Then, in some subtle way, all hell broke 
loose. The women got into a fight with 
Raoul because he was saying that women, 
legally, were in worse shape than ever be- 
fore—they weren't getting alimony, they 
weren't getting custody—and that women 
should be addressing those issues. Then he 
was accused of blaming the victim; then 
the audience started hissing him madly 
when he made some kind of statement 
about how if a woman had written E = 
well, the с would have been Ein- 
stein, and then Judy and Suzanne said so 
what if they call you ball-busters? Some 
nes you have to be ball-busters and it’s 
codependent to worry about peoples 
calling you ball-busters, anyway—and I 
became really annoyed. 

Because this wasn't a discussion about 
codependency or love addiction, tliis was 
all about feminism. 

I think there probably is something to 
this codependency business, and that cer- 
tain people suffer from its very real and 
debilitating problems, and that if you 
come from an abusive family, you're not 
going to have the greatest interpersonal 
relationships unless you're smart and brave 
enough to conquer your demon. 

But | worry when it becomes a fad, when 
it becomes about gender, when women en 
masse start referring 10 themselves as 
codependent. And I worry when there 
are best-selling self-help books about 
codependency and how not to be like that, 
about how women can have self-esteem 
and empowerment and not be enablers 
and validate themselves and all those other 
jargon words, because it's a trap. 

And the trap is that these books are still 
telling women that theres something 
wrong with them. That they're not good 
enough. They have to change, they have to 
act differently, and it's all their own fault. 
"his kind of attitude subverts feminism. It 
turns a woman back into contemplating 
her navel instead of confronting things ac 
tively, politically, trying to change society 
instead of herself. 

And what if people follow the train too 
far and start thinking that it's pathological 
and wrong to need one another and to 
nurture one another? Where will we all 


be then? 


43 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


W have been sexually active since junior 
high school. I realized early on that 
teenage relationships should be only physi- 
cal, since teenagers are too young to really 
cope with emotional attachments. Then I 
met my current girlfriend. I thought she 
would be like all the others—either sexual- 
ly active or willing to start. She had never 
had a real boyfriend, however, and was ob- 
viously а virgin. She told me that she did 
not wish to have sex until marriage. I was 
going to give up the endeavor when the 
thought of a nonsexual relationship be- 
came rather refreshing. So we just dated— 
no strings attached—for the next five 
months, making out more and more as 
time went on. During that time, she 
allowed me to get further and further 
toward touching her body. 1 didnt pres- 
sure her for anything too fast. Around the 
seventh month, we began sleeping togeth- 
er. She learned to explore my body, as 1 
showed her new experiences for hers. It 
was kind of fim, like playing doctor again. 
Finally, one night after a long party, she 
suddenly asked, “Would you make love to 
me?” We tried. She was tighter than any- 
one 1 had ever known, and the pain I was 
causing her made me stop penctration. We 
tried again the next morning, We sat 
joined for about three hours. An occasion- 
al pump bere aud there, a change in posi 
tion once or t ; but mainly, wc just sat 
there, enjoying the togetherness wc were 
fecling. Of course, 1 had an ulterior mo- 
tive—to let her body adjust to mine, so that 
she could enjoy the fecling of sex. After a 
while, she started to get frisky and began 
moving and grinding, so we finished up 
and, of course, did it several times that day 
and evening, Suffice it to say that she was 
hooked. After a few months, she accepted 
fellatio and, shortly after that, cunnili 
gus. [t wasn't until after the first pregnan- 
cy scare that we slowed down to see what 
we were doing. We have decided to get 
married. Anyway, on to the main question: 
My girlfriend truly enjoys sex but is relu 
tant to try anything new. She's not into 
stimulation. during rear-entry i 
and would probably flip if I brought some- 
thing for ito the bedroom. Being the. 
rsson I am, I thought 
ntroducing her to а I vibrator 
that 1 could use during foreplay. 1 would 
like to know if they make vibrators the size 
of a forefinger. My girlfriend tends to lose 
all orgasmic sensations when she feels any 
pain. I would hate to get her worked up 
only to insert the vibrator during, say, cun- 
nilingus and have her hate me because I 
spoiled it. Any suggestions?—D. A., Tuc- 
son, Arizona. 

Lets see if we have this right: Now that 
youre old enough to handle the emotional as- 
pects of a relationship, you've forgotlen how lo 
handle the physical? You were such a caring 


lover that it wasn't until the first pregnancy 
scare that you cared about the future? Its in- 
teresting that when someone who is sexually 
experienced mecls someone who їзїї, what 
comes naturally doesn’t. Inequality in bed 
throws things out of whack—if you believe 
you are the teacher or the guide, it interferes 
with discovery. Here are some guidelines: Set 
the stage for experimentation. Take home a 
copy of “The Joy of Sex.” Read it together. 
Select some new positions and activities 
together. That way, you avoid the irresistible 
meeting Ihe unmovable. As for introducing a 
vibrator, try this: Re-enact your first succes 
Jul union. Stay joined for three hours, adding 
a vibrator for clitoral stimulation. Its size is 
irrelevant, since most women. use them for ex- 
terior—not interior—work. Good luck. 


The only times I drink kosher wines are 
at holiday meals, such as the Passover 
Seder. They're sweet and syrupy—not re- 
ally good with food. Are there any kosher 
wines that a wine drinker would find ac- 
ceptable with dinner? If so, what are they 
and where can they be found?—A. S., New 
York, New York. 

To qualifs as kosher, a wine must be pro- 
duced according to specific requirements of 
the Jewish religion. But it can be made from 
any grape and vinified essentially the same 
way as standard table wines. France, Spain 
and Italy have long produced dry kosher table 
wines. And now that theres an American 
market for such wines, an increasing number 
are being grown in California and imported 
from Europe and Israel. Hagafen Gellars in 
Napa and Weinstock Cellars and Gan Eden 
Winery in Sonoma are California producers 
that make the new-style kosher wines. Also 
from California is the Baron Herzog line of 
hosher table wines, marketed by the Royal 


Wine Corporation. In addition, Royal їт- 
ports kosher table wines from Europe, includ- 
ing Bartenura from Italy and NEG and 
Herzog wines from France. Israel, which has 
an extensive wine industry, offers such worthy 
brands as Yarden, Gamla, Montfort and 
Carmel in the dry style. Kosher table wines 
are carried in well-stocked liquor shops 


IM, һиапа and I have a serious prob: 
lem. I have always loved to have sex in our 
car while parked in a crowded parking lot 
at the shopping mall. Recently, we were 
caught by a store clerk and reported to the 
police. There were no charges filed, so 1 
figured everything was OK. But it seems 
that after my husband had that talk with 
the policeman, he thinks we shouldn't 
make love in the parking lot anymore be- 
inky. I have told him that L 
make love as 
we always have, in the parking lot. He has 
suggested vibrators and X-rated movies, 
but it just isn't the same. Can you convince. 
him that this practice is not that kinky? 1 
really don’t think it is, do you?—Mrs. С. 
Charleston, South Carolina. 

Actually, we do think its a little kinky. 
That's why its so much fun. Why not examine 
the situation and find out what it is that ap- 
peals to you? Is it the car that makes you car- 
nal? Then have sex un a teser ted highway. I 
it the proximity to store mannequins? Buy a 
few and put them in your garage. Install a 
blue light in the ceiling and have a K mart 
special, Is it the thrill of potential discovery? 
(Your husband has found that actual discov- 
ery is not so thrilling.) Try renting a hotel 
room and leaving the window shades open. 
Make love in a three-pictures-for-a-dollar 
photo booth and let some passer-by stumble 
upon the pictures. Wear masks. The worst 
thing you can do is wield your orgasm like a 
nonnegotiable demand. There are plenty of 
ways to add a touch of excitement to sex—it’s 
up to you and your husband to find them. 


ДА. э ece graduate esta the jb 
market, I could е advice on what 
shoes to buy fo ing and for my 
first job. Pm looking for work in the 
financial market. ht now, my shoe 
wardrobe consists of about five pairs of 
sneakers, one pair of deck shoes and a pai 
of penny | What kind of dress shoes 
should I Биу?— В. М, Hazlet, New Jersey. 
It would be good to invest in at least two 
decent pairs of dress shoes that you can rotate 
in wear, A classic black lace-up wing tip (the 
one with the holes in the front and leather 
that comes to а point toward the laces) is a 
good staple shoe that is sure to make a good 
business impression. For a second pair, try 
dark-brown or cordovan lace-up cap toes 
(with a plain or perforated front and a hori- 
zontal seam that runs across the toe of the 
shoe). Consider buying a dressier tassel 


45 


PLAYBOY 


loafer—your penny loafers just won't cut it in 
the board room. It may be best to wait and see 
what the other guys wear lo work before you 
invest in too many shoes. 


Ein curious about what causes а woman's 
Ее al Sano 
ls 
became erect and then soft. I watched a 
woman practicing C.PR. and her nipples 
got hard and then soft. And 1 watched a 
woman's nipples get hard and soft during a 
boring conference. What gives?—J. B. 
Manitou Springs, Colorado 

Do you need a Sony Watchman, or what? 
Nipple erection occurs as а result of involun- 


tary contraction of muscular fibers within the 
structure of the nipple. It can be the first sign 
of sexual arousal or simply a change in the 
air conditioning. It can result from exercise or 
other sources of tension. Maybe those women 
were surreptitiously crotch watching. 


The Advisor has mentioned several 
brands of condoms for the well-endowed 
male. I've tried some of them and they 
don't solve my problem. I'm built like a 
fireplug—girth, not length, is my 
strength. Almost every condom I've tried 
pinches and strangles. Any suggestions? 
S. L., Detroit, Michigan. 

The largest latex condom approved by the 


Wins 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


FDA is 52 millimeters in diameter. There's 
nothing larger on the market, al least not 
made of latex. Sheepskin condoms usually 
have a 75mm (about a three-inch) base, but 
they lack the elasticity of latex. You will have 
to experiment with the different shapes. Both 
Maxx and Magnum condoms, for example, 
are tapered so that they are wider at the 
glans. Other models may be more elastic. A 
spokesman for Mayer Laboratortes, the man- 
ufacturer of Maxx condoms, suggests using 
one of the water-based personal lubricants— 
such as PrePair or ForPlay. Placing a dab in 
the tip of the condom will increase sensation 
by allowing more freedom of movement along 
the penis. We hope this will solve the problem, 


Tn the Stephen Sondheim musical Into the 
Woods, the witch (originally played оп 
Broadway by Bernadeite Peters) complains 
in song that there's someone “rooting 
through my rutabaga, raiding my arugula 
and ripping up the rampion." I know tha 
the items enumerated are probably vege 
bles, but aside from rutabagas, I haven't a 
clue. And I'm not even sure about ruta- 
bagas. Also, are rampions and ramps the 
same?—K. E., Montgomery, Alabama 
Rutabagas, also known as Swedish or 
Canadian turnips, are а cousin to the white 
turnip; both are members of the mustard fam- 
ily. The large, yellow root may be mashed with 
carrots, potatoes and butter to tame the ag- 
gressive flavor Rampion is а radishlike veg- 
etable; the roots and young leaves are used in 


mixed-green salads. It has been confused with 
ramp—which is actually a wild leek, the most 
pungent of all onions. Aficionados attend 
ramp festivals, ramp-cating contests, ramp 
dinners and support the Society of Friends of 
the Ramp, Ramps are cooked as a vegetable 
and substituted for onions on pizza and in 
bread, meat loaf and scrambled eggs. Arugu 
la is a snappy green found in Italian markets 
and restaurants and good greengroceries. 
Just a little brightens a big salad. 


INloctong ago, 1 went to the store to buy a 
pair of high-quality headphones for my 
home system. After a while, I realized that 
selecting them wasnt going to be easy. 
What is the difference between a good pair 
of headphones and a bad pair? Is it better 
to have an open-air design or one that seals 
your ears completely? Finally, what is the 
average price of a good pair of head- 
phones?—A. C., Montreal, Quebec 

Say what? We love headphones but have 
learned from experience that they have draw- 
backs. When we used a Walkman type of 
headphones to blank out the sound of jet en- 
gines on long flights, it never occurred to us 
that the sound we were blanking out was al- 
most at the threshold of brain damage, and 
that when we cranked up the phones, И was 
enough to give us temporary hearing loss. We 
took to wearing them т front of our ears— 
allowing some of the sound to be conducted 
through our cheekbones. (The ultrasonic vi- 
brations also removed plaque—just kidding.) 
The best advice for settmg listening levels 


seems lo be to set the headphones about the 
volume at which you would listen to speakers 
and still be able to carry on a conversation. 
You can pick up excellent headphones for less 
than $125. Since the driver units of all of 
them are reasonably similar, the major choice 
is whether to go with an around-the-car 
closed-seal model that cuts off most room 
noise, or the semi-open or open-seal model 
that lets you hear the doorbell when the pizza 
arrives. The fidelity of closed models is gener- 
ally higher and, since they сш! as much as 
half of the ambient noise, you may be able to 
enjoy your music at a lower volume. Open- 
seal models tend to be lighter and more com- 
fortable and allow you to remain a member of 
the human race. Most headphones handle 
bass tones well; the criterion for excellence 
seems to be how well they carry treble tones. 
Let your ears decide. 


М long ago, a reader asked you about 
male multiple orgasms. Г want to know 
morc. How common are they? Is the ability 
tohave them something you arc born with, 
or can you teach yourself to have them?— 
Dicgo, California. 

Youre in luck, A recent issue of Archives 
of Sexual Behavior reported on a study of 
men who had multiple orgasms. The phe- 
nomenon appears to be rare. The researchers 
believe that orgasm and ejaculation are two 
distinctly separate concepts—orgasm can oc- 
cur without ejaculation. They define a male 
multiple orgasm as "two or more orgasms 
with or without ejaculation and without, or 
with only very limited, detumescence during 
one and the same sexual encounter” Since 
most men tend to lose an erection after an 
ejaculation, what is different for multiple 
males? The researchers suggest some common 
denominators: “Men seem to need continued 
penile stimulation and a warm environment 
for the penis in order to maintain an erection 
afier an orgasm. Most men could withdraw 
for only a short period of time if they wanted 
to remain erect. Several men noted that 
immediately after orgasm, penile sensations 
were too intense and they did have to with- 
draw or rest for a few seconds before continu- 
ing. It is important, however, that they 
re-entered or were caressed again after the pe- 
nile sensitivity had diminished somewhat, if 
they were to continue.” Here are some other 
characteristics: “Few of our subjects were 
multiply orgasmic on all occasions with all 
partners. Most daimed they required a famil- 
iar partner т а nondemanding atmosphere, 
emotional closeness and the opportunity for 
leisurely sex. These men said the partner 
needs to be one who 15 sexually responsive, en- 
Joys prolonged sexual intercourse or contact, 
ts highly sensual and signals continued inter- 
est. Most of the heterosexual men required 
partners who were well lubricated and vagi- 
nally responsive Every subject mentioned 
that if a partner seemed to get tired оү was 
salialed, the sexual encounter stopped. The 
stated goal was not to have multiple orgasms 


but to have pleasurable, prolonged, mutually 
perceived. satisfying contacts.” Gee whizz, 
find a woman who has those characteristics 
and a dead man could be multiply orgasmic. 
Try to create those conditions: Next time you 
have an orgasm, dont withdraw. Keep 
thrusting and see what happens. Even if you 
don't achieve a multiple, youll prolong a 
good time. Some of the men in the study were 
able to train themselves to withhold ejacula- 
tion by performing Kegel exercises (clenching 
the muscles used to control urination), by 
practicing stop-start intercourse or by using 
the squeeze technique (gripping the head of 
the penis and squeezing when the urge to cli- 
max gets too strong). This approach seems 
based on stopping something from happen- 


тЕ— тоя of the men who were multiply or- 
gasmic never applied the brakes. Experiment. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating. 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


Dial The Playboy Advisor on the Air and 
hear Playmates answer questions. Or record 
your own question! Call 1-900-740-3311; 
two dollars per minute, 


How Can The Best Get Better? 
The answer to that quoction ic simple: The now 
micro-sze ESCORT picks up radar signals from. 
farther away than ever was possible before. 

You no longer will wander into a sudden 
*beep-explosion;" too late to react Even distant 
“instant-on” radar doesn’t faze this mighty detector. 

Early waming is well beyond the capability of 
‘ther deteciors without ESCORT’ power and sensi- 
tivity. You know the value of radar waming. You 
should know, too: Orly one detector is the most 
powerful: ESCORT. 


What's New Under the Handsome Case 
The ай пом ESCORT literally uses space-age 
technology—Digital Signal Processing (DSP), the 
same advanced system NASA uses lo “sharpen” 
radar images. DSP samples incoming radar signals 
50,000 times a second. Information is digitized and 
analyzed by a signal-recognition computer. 

Result? Greater distance than any detector 
ever had belore. Greater separation of false-signals. 
Incredibly fast reaction to instant-on traps. 

The case is aluminum, finished in non-glare 
Маск. пой cheap plastic. 


«Just 4" high, 34" wide 


^ Vatable-pulse warming 
= Alert lamp glows on radar contact 

* Visor cip and adjustable windshield mount 

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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


“ЗЕМ A SZABADSAG," the ad in The 
New York Times proclaimed. It means, 
"Here's to freedom.” We used that tag 
line to announce the birth of the Hun- 
garian edition of Playboy. “On Novem- 
ber 29th, Hungarians came one step 
closer to something they've been 
fighting for since 1956. Freedom 

“Not just political freedom but free- 
dom of the press. And the first Ameri- 
can consumer magazine published in 
Hungarian was Playboy. No surprise, 
since we're the mag- 
azine that 
led a social 
revolution in 
America by 
standing for 
personal, po- 
litical and 


A lot of news- 
paper editorial 
writers played 
with the irony of 
exporting cheese- 
cake as the Ameri- 
can Dream. They 
missed the point. 
The quest for sexu- 
al freedom fuels the 
demand for political 
freedom. They are 
опе and the same: As 
Hef is fond of saying, 
“If you are not free in 
your body, you are not 
free.” America’s found- 
ing fathers elevated 
pleasure to a basic free- 
dom when they included 
life, liberty and the pur- 
suit of happiness as inalienable rights. 
‘Television covered the major symbols 
of the people's movement—the tearing 
down of the Berlin Wall, the stream of 
East Germans into West Berlin, the 
atrocities of Romania, the quiet dignity 
of Lech Walesa. But it missed the inner 
life of the revolution. That you find on 
the newsstands. Thomas Weyr, in an ar- 
ticle for Publishers Weekly titled “Porn, 
Politics and. Paper,” came close to the 
truth. On a visit to a bookstore in Bu- 


dapest, he was frustrated to find that 
the newly liberated had a taste Юг 
Stephen King, Robert Ludlum, Michael 
Crichton, Ken Follett, Mario Puzo, Sid- 
ney Sheldon and Ian Fleming. “And 
then there are the books that feature, 
well. naked skin," Weyr says. 

He goes on: "It is one sign of the 
change that has swept the publishing 
business in Budapest and Warsaw . 
Literature is no longer banned 


pretext 

that it is 

pornog- raphy, and porn, 
once decried as Western decadence, is 
not banned at all.” 

He quotes Sandor Bandy, a book edi- 
tor turned journalist, as saying, “What 
sells best in Hungary today? Politics 
and hard-core pornography.” 

Weyr found the same phenomenon in 
Poland: “The thawing political climate 
notwithstanding, Poland’s hottest title 


and biggest seller this year is Fanny 
Hill. These ‘Recollections of a Lady of 
Pleasure’ were published by an under- 
ground student group; the book has 
sold 600,000 copies in two editions so 
far. 

“The nexus between sex and politics 
is nothing new, neither in fact nor in lit- 
erature, but rarely has it surfaced as ex- 
plosively as it has of late in Polish and 
Hungarian bookstores. The hunger for 
free expression of all kinds had been 
bottled up for 40 years. When the cork 

finally popped, pub- 
lishing went wild.” 
The struggle for 
democracy in China 
left some vivid im- 
ages; most notably, 
the tanks in Tian- 
anmen Square. 
But exiled student 
leaders tell a more 
personal story. The 
New York Times 
recorded a poetry 
reading by Wuer 
K: in Manhat- 
tan, The poet 
spoke of a youth 
culture “restive 
under the 
weight of Chi- 
паз tradition 
of obedience 
and insistent 
on sexuality 
and feelings. 
The youth 
culture put 
a stress on 
immediacy 
sensation 
and the self, ‘You might 
find it strange, but I do not,’ he 
said, ‘that one aspect of o novement 
was the student who stood naked on top 
of a university building shouting, “Iam 
what Гат.” ”” 

We see a heroic affirmation of self in 
the struggles for freedom around the 
world. When a state moves to repress 
the sexual, you have the opposite of 
freedom. It isa simple truth, one Amer- 
ica has forgotten 


49 


СКАСК BABIES 


АМО 


Drug babies: infants born to chemi- 
cally dependent mothers. Their nervous 
Systems might be damaged, their mental 
capabilities might be diminished, their 
physical well-being might be affected. In 
Short, their future seems bleak. 

The National Association for Peri- 
natal Addiction Research and Educa- 
tion found that an average of 11 
percent of births in 44 hospitals across 
the United States were to women who 
were drug abusers. 

Enter George Bush. Campaigning 
for the Presidency, he holds up a baby 
born to a drug-addicted mother for 
public inspection, using the image of 
the child for his own agenda: For the 
babies, fight the war on drugs, show no 
mercy, тето tolerance for the chemically 
dependent, 

Bush takes our natural concern for 
children and roules it through pro-life 
rhetoric (“Protect the unborn") and 
antidrug saber rattling and comes up 
with an approach that does little to help 
the victims. 

As a result, the legal system has in- 
creased its efforts lo protect the un- 
born—and it has caused serious 
constitutional consequences for the 
born. Here is a report: 

In Washington, D.C., a judge sen- 
tenced pregnant Brenda A. Vaughan 
to prison after she was found guilty of 
forging checks. Although the judge ac- 
knowledged that a first offense nor- 
mally would not warrant jail time, he 
wanted to protect the woman's fetus 
from her cocaine addiction. 

Fine idea? Think again. Locking up 
pregnant women will not ensure that 
they have healthy—or even drug- 
free—babies. Jails are notorious for 
easy access to illicit drugs. Prison nu- 


TAME 


СЛОМА ЕШ ТЕТ EN 


== 


care versus coercion 


By Judith C. Rosen 


tritional programs are poor and few 
women are transported to an adequate 
medical facility for proper obstetrical 
care. In California, an appallingly low 
44.5 percent of pregnant incarcerated 
women give birth to live babies. 

In 1988, Daphne, a Butte County, 
California, heroin addict, discovered 


that she was pregnant. She sought the 
nearest methadone program, 85 miles 
away, and traveled there daily at her 
own expense. Daphne had an eight- 
year-old daughter to support and not 
much income. Gradually, she fell be- 
hind in her methadone payments. She 
sought Government aid—and was re- 
fused. The clinic discontinued her 
treatment. 

Daphne returned to heroin and, at 
birth, her infant tested positive for 
opiates. The public prosecutor an- 


nounced his intention to charge her 
with drug use. When her tale was pub- 
lished, public outcry forced the prose- 
cutor to drop the case. Daphne was 
lucky. If she had been tried and found 
guilty, she would have spent four 
months to one year in jail—time that 
would have helped neither her infant 


nor her eight-year-old. 

The war on drugs is turning 
a serious health problem into an in- 
credible criminal quagmire. Threat- 
ening women with prosecution if they 
admit they are dependent on illegal 
drugs will deter them from seeking 
the treatment they need and will pre- 
vent them from obtaining the prenatal 
care they require. As it is, drug- 
treatment programs designed for 
pregnant women are almost поп- 
existent, as is prenatal care for the 


poor or the uninsured. Is the answer 
to a health problem really prosecution 
and incarceration? 

An officer in the Los Angeles Coun- 
ty Probation Department says, “Our 
primary mission is to protect the com- 
munity from the criminal. And the un- 
born child is part of that larger 
community.” Hence, a pregnant addict 
is a criminal and the L.A. County 
Deparunent of Children's Services 
metes out the ultimate punishment: 
removing her child from her at birth. 
And by punishing the mother, it pun- 
ishes the child. There is ап over- 
whelming amount of research that 
shows the importance to the child of 
developing a strong bond in infancy 
with the mother. 


THeY'Re CROSSING OVER 

THe BORDER IN SEARCH 

OF FREEDOM FROM 
GOVERNMENT RESTRICTIONS... 


aiia 


y 


Reprinted by permission. Ш.Р 5, 


Los Angeles County 15 not the only 
US. county that performs that family 
disservice. It is an increasingly com- 
mon practice for judges to order re- 
moval of custody of infants from their 
mothers if there is any indication of 
drug use. In 1988, a New York woman 
who had smoked marijuana to relax 
delivered a baby who had a trace of 
drugs in his urine. There was no evi- 
dence that the woman smoked mari- 
juana regularly nor that she would 
abuse her child. Nonetheless, the baby 


7 
= 


{ 


ie 


was removed from the mother’s саге. 
There was no effort to provide treat- 
ment or social support systems, nor 
even an attempt to find out what hu- 
man resources were available to the 
mother. How much good did it do the 
infant to be taken from its mother and 
placed in an overburdened foster-care 
system? 

Will the state next force women to 
refrain from drinking alcohol? Appar- 
ently so. In Laramie, Wyoming, a preg- 
nant woman has been charged with 
child abuse because her blood- 
alcohol level was above the standard 
used to determine drunk driving. Will 
women who smoke tobacco be subject 
to arrest next? 

Are women being forced to become 


PREGNANT 
WOMEN IN 
PENNSYLVANIA, 


pes 


guarantors of healthy babies? A 
woman in Michigan has been sued 
by her baby’s father for “prenatal 
negligence” because a drug she took 
during pregnancy allegedly discolored 
the child’s teeth. 

Will women have to give up their 
own lives for the sake of their fetuses? 
In Washington, D.C., a hospital ob- 
tained permission from the courts to 
perform a Caesarean section on a 
woman with cancer, despite medical 
testimony that the operation would 


shorten her life. The baby, ten weeks 
premature, died almost immediately; 
the woman died two days later. 

Many chemical substances have the 
capacity to damage cells. A man’s ex- 
posure to alcohol, drugs—illegal or 
legal—and toxic substances in the 
workplace can cause damage to sperm 
and threaten the viability of a preg- 
nancy and the health of the fetus. If 
pregnant women are regulated to pro- 
tect the fetus, the next logical step is 
to regulate men's intake of drugs and 
alcohol. 

Using an emotional issue to limit 
civil rights is an old tactic of the right 
wing, and nothing has changed in the 
Nineties. Drug warriors, taking a cue 
from anti-abortionists, use fetal rights 
to limit constitutional rights. They ex- 
ploit the picture of a crack baby as a 
weapon in the drug war. 

Justice Thurgood Marshall wrote in 
the Supreme Court dissent of Skinner 
vs. Railway Labor Executives 


| Association, “Precisely because the 


need for action against the drug 
scourge is manifest, the need for 
lance against unconstitutional excess is 
great. History teaches that grave 
threats to liberty often come in times 
of urgency, when constitutional rights 
seem too extravagant to endure.” 

No one suggests that taking drugs 
while pregnant is behavior to be con- 
doned, nor does anyone suggest that 
babies who are born addicted are not a 
serious national plight. That problem, 
however, will not be solved by threat- 
ening chemically dependent pregnant 
women with prosecution, incarcera- 
tion or loss of custody of their infants. 
It will not be solved by breaking up 
families. It can be solved only by 
providing education, prenatal care 
and safe, confidential, sensitive, acces- 
sible treatment programs for pregnant 
women. 

While parents may be morally and 
ethically responsible for doing all they 
can to have a healthy pregnancy, they 
are perilously close to being legally ob- 
ligated to do so. 


Judith С. Rosen, an attorney in San 
Diego, is an advocate for womens and 
childrens rights. 


51 


R E 


E R 


PUBLIC SERVICE 
In August 1989, The Playboy 
Forum published a letter by a 
reader who had obtained a copy 
of the Reverend Donald Е, Wild- 
топ% AFA Journal, in which he 
publishes advertiser blac 
The reader used the information 
10 write to an advertiser, telling 
him not to capitulate to Wild- 
mon. How can [obtain a copy of 
the AFA Journal? 
Dave Huston 
Lafayette, Indiana 
The AFA Journals address is 
РО. Drawer 2440, Tupelo, Missis- 
sippi 38803. 


Im sure that there are thou- 
sands of people who would like 
to join the fight against censor- 
ship but dont know how. What 
are the names of some groups 
that are fighting the right fight? 


FOR THE RECORD 


Powr/GOUNERPOIS —— 


In November 1989. two Lakeland, Florida, Ku 
Klux Klan leaders were questioned on suspicion of 


that he has been exposed for 
what he is. But you have written 
about him in every issue for the 
past five months. Don't you have 
targets to report on other than 
someone as low and self-centered 
as he is? 

Chris Maris 

Long Beach, California 


Keep up the articles on Wild- 
mon. They're my biggest laugh 
of the month. 
Frank Lee Nettling 
Napa, California 


1 enjoy your ongoing features 
of Wildmon and his fan; 1 fol- 
lowers. 1 hope that their crazi- 
ness does not catch on north of 
the 49th parallel. There are 
some comedy shows on TV here 
ıhat would be ideal targets. Good 
luck in the battle against the 


William Vander Busch impersonating pohce officers. They had been cruising small minds who are attempting 
Cotati, С; to stifle freedom. _ 
The following is а list of anticen- Jor drug dealers. Turns ош the cruising Robert Sakovich 
sorship groups: was el 3. а Кап campaign called Krush Krack Faro, Yukon 


American Civil Liberties Union 

132 West 43rd Street 

New York, New York 10036 

(Purpose: to ensure that the Bill 
of Rights is preserved for each new 


Kocame, which is an attempt to brush up the Klans 
image. The following are comments on the kampaign. 

“You can get more done politically with the pen 
than with the ax handle.”—DONALD spivey, Grand 
Dragon of the Florida Knights of the Ku Klux 


We really have plunged off the 
deep end in America. I live in a 
state where any loon can walk in- 
to К mart and purchase enough 


generation.) 


Americans for Constitutional 
Freedom 

900 Third Avenue, Suite 1600 

New York, New York 10022 

(Purpose: to advance First 


Amendment rights and to oppose 


Klan 


“Em very wary of the Klan and their motives for 
this offer." —RoN NENNER, Lakeland police chief 


“Lf the Klan wants to be of service to the com- 
munity, let it disband." —sTEPHEN M. GOLDMAN, di- 
rector of the Anti-Defamation League 


weaponry to blow away a small 
town. Yet, not long ago, a woman. 
was arrested for selling vibrators 
in her lingerie shop. I don't recall 
any incidents—intentional or un- 

¡onal—involving death and 
vibrators. If cucumbers were 
ficsh-colored, would Donald 


censorship.) 


National Coalition 
Censorship 
Two West 64th Street 
New York, New York 10023 
(Purpose: to promote and defend First 
Amendment values of freedom of thought, 
inquiry and expression.) 


People for the American Way 

2000 М Street NW., Suite 400 

Washington, D.C. 20036 

(Purpose: to protect the liberties obtained 
by Americans in the First Amendment.) 


Against 


WILDMON'S TV GUIDE 
The Reverend Donald E. Wildmon 
and his followers, a small but vocal 
group, often succeed because they do 
something (“The Reverend Donald 
Wildmon's Guide to TV" The Playboy 


Forum, January). They write, make 
phone calls, protest—loudly—and tell 
their friends to do the same. 

Playboy readers, you owe it to 
yourselves to become more vocal. If you 
see a program that you particularly en- 
joy. write to the producer, the network 
and the sponsors. Encourage others to 
join the anticensorship battle and vote 
| representatives who reflect 
f we don't defend the Cons 
tution, we risk losing far more than 
thirtysomething. 


Stu Chisholm 
Roseville, Michigan 


Before you started reporting on Wild- 
mon, I'd never heard of him. I'm glad 


Wildmon boycott grocery stores? 
Jonathan Sabin 
Bradenton, Florida 


AIDS PRIMER 

I'm surprised and disappointed that 
Playboy has played into heterosexual 
AIDS paranoia by publishing some un- 
necessary hyperbole (“A College Primer 
оп AIDS,” The Playboy Forum, February). 

The risk of heterosexual AIDS trans- 
mission when neither lover is an I. V-drug 
user, a bisexual man or a hemophiliac is 
greatly exaggerated sehen you label both 
anal and vaginal intercourse “danger- 
ous" without a condom. Vaginal inter- 
course is not nearly so dangerous as 
anal intercoun Unless you are refer- 
ring to sexually transmitted diseases as 
well as AIDS, и is hardly risky to have 
oral sex (particularly male to female) 


ee FO RU mM 


Ro ES 


ог dangerous to have vaginal intercourse 
without a condom. 
Roger Libby, Ph.D. 
Atlanta, Georgia 


The January Playboy Advisor cites oral 
sex as a form of “safer sex" and presents 
statistics and quotes that show oral sex to 
have an extremely low risk of HIV in- 
fection. Why in "A College Primer on 
AIDS" do you present the fact that oral 
sex with a woman or with a man without 
a condom is "risky"? 

John Floars 
Woodbridge, Virginia 

“A College Primer on AIDS” is simply a 
record of the information about AIDS that 
is available to college students. Although we 
endorse most of the information, we stand 
by the advice of “The Playboy Advisor” in 
January. 


SEXUAL FREEDOM 
Justice must be pronounced “just us,” 
for often, a small group of people use it 
to serve their own ideas about morality. 
Ло quote from the article “The Search for 
Sexual Freedom” (The Playboy Forum, 
February). “Defenders of sodomy 
statutes always say the law is symbolic, 
that it is never enforced.” They should 
tell that to James David Moseley. 
George Sidoti 
East Northport, New York 


THE FUR FLIES 
Playboy's. February cover is mag- 
nificent. Bogna is breath-taking. Her fur 
coat is a wonderful complement to her 
wardrobe. However, because of the coat, 
Playboy will undoubtedly receive out- 
raged letters from animal activists. 
Kent Disse 
FurFarm Animal Welfare 
Coalition, Ltd. 
Detroit Lakes, Minnesota 


Given that you are aware of the issues 
and controversy surrounding animal 
rights, the February cover is an insult. 

Alan H. Jones 
Arlington, Massachusetts 


SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT 

Wildmon and his kind constantly reit- 
erate that the founding fathers conceived 
the United States as a Christian nation. 
Wrong. Thomas Jefferson believed in 
"natures God,” Who “created all men 
equal” and endowed them with “inalien- 
able rights” in accordance with the “laws 


Р О 


УЕ 


of nature.” Не also felt that “the day will 
come when the account of the birth of 
Christ as accepted in the Trinitarian 
churches will be classed with the fable of 
Minerva springing from the brain of 
Jupiter.” 

Thomas Paine also attacked Christian- 
ity, saying, “Of all the systems of religion 
that ever were invented, there is none 
more derogatory to the Almighty, more 
unedifying to man, more repugnant to 
reason, and more contradictory in itself, 
than this thing called Christianity. 

During George Washington's ine 
istration, a treaty was signed denying 
that the US. was a Christian nation: “As 
the Government of the United States of 
America is not in any sense founded on 
the Christian religion.” 

S. Green 
Albany, New York 


Your readers may be interested in 
knowing that the phrase “under God” 
was added to the Pledge of Allegiance in 
1954, that currency was required to bear 
the phrase “In God ме и ust” in 1955 aud 
that the national motto, "E pluribus 
unum” (originated by Thomas Jefferson), 
was replaced with “In God we trust” in 
1956. I assumed that the inclusion of God 
dated from the time of the founding fa- 
thers, but I recently discovered that it 


was legislated by McCarthyites. Let's get 
those laws repealed. 

E. ker 

Springfield, Illinois 

American Atheists, Inc, has testified be- 

„Юте the House Subcommittee on Consumer 
Affairs and Coinage, requesting that “In 
God we trust” not be used on commemora- 
tive coins. You can write to American Athe- 
ists, Inc., at 7215 Cameron Road, Austin, 
Texas 78752-2973. 


MAKING THE MARK 
In the February Newsfront "Call in the 
Clowns," you question whether the sol- 
diers who exchanged 100 rounds with 
drug dealers and hit no one were very 
good shots—or very bad ones. I can an- 
swer that. If the rangers’ intention was to 
kill their attackers, there would have 
been a lot of dead drug dealers, The 
members of the Second Ranger Battalion 
Platoon are the best-trained shock troops 
їп the world and no one questions their 
marksmanship. If you need verification, 
just ask the now-defunct Panamanian 
Defense Force. 
Sergeant Brian Р. Murphy 
82nd Airborne Division 
Fort Bragg, North Carolina 


When the off-duty Army sergeant and 
some fellow rangers traded more than 


FIRST AMENDMENT 


AWARDS 


Do you know of any dedicated defenders of First Amendment free- 
doms? Give them the recognition they deserve by nominating them 
for the 1990 Hugh M. Hefner First Amendment Awards, which were 
established in 1979 to honor people who protect our First Amend- 
ment rights. Winners have included journalists, educators, lawyers, 
publishers and entertainers, though eligibility is not restricted to those 
professions. Award winners receive as much as $3000. 

Last year’s winners were Joann Bell for law, Thomas Michael 


Devine for government, John Henry Faulk for indi 


idual conscience, 


James Haught for print journalism, Louis Ingelhart for education, An- 
thony Lewis for lifetime achievement and Eve Pell for print journalism. 

Nomination forms are available through the Playboy Foundation, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The deadline 


for nominations is June 4, 1990. 


100 rounds without hitting anyone in 
‘Tacoma, Washington, a police officer 
found it “kind of amazing that nobody 
got hurt.” The police officer apparently 
doesnt keep abreast of the activity by 
his fellow officers in Western states. 

In Las Vegas last year, two bandits 
held up a McDonald's restaurant. They 
were chased by North Las Vegas and 
metropolitan police officers, а heli- 


copter and a police dog. 
In the excitement of the chase, one 
officer fired his shotgun, causing con- 
cern that the discharge may have dam- 
aged the eardrum of a veteran officer 
standing nearby. Another officer was 
bitten in the leg by the police dog. He 
shot at the animal in an effort to free 
himself from its bite—and missed. 


Eventually, the suspects were appre- 
hended. They crashed their getaway 
car into a fence. 
John W Riddell 
Las Vegas, Nevada 


Make your voice heard on issues of the 
day. Dial The Playboy Mailbox, 1-900- 
740-3311, and leave your comments; two 
dollars per minute. 


BOOM-BOX DIPLOMACY 


Manvel Noriega may stand as the first despot driven from office by rock and roll. After he sneaked into the 
Vatican embassy in Panama City, U.S. troops helped flush him out with boom-box doses of You're No Good, by Linda 
Ronstodt, and I Fought the Law, by the Bobby Fuller Four, plus everything in between. Taking our cue from military 


strategy, we've assembled а number of play lists that may serve the same useful purpose for other favorite tyrants. 


ANDREA DWORKIN, antiporn zealot 

Penis Envy, by Unde Bonsai 

My Ding-A-ling, by Chuck Berry 

Mother of Violence, by Peter Gabriel 

Strange Kind of Woman, by Deep Purple 

Sometimes I Wish I Was a Pretty Girl, by Robyn Hitchcock 
Walk Like a Man, by the Four Seasons 


THE REVEREND DONALD E. WILDMON, 
anti-sex crusader 

Do It, by Neil Diamond 

Do It Again, by Steely Dan 

Do It ("Til You're Satisfied), by В.Т. Express 

Paranoid Eyes, by Pink Floyd 

A Ridiculous Man, by T-Bone Burnett 

Freedom of Choice, by Devo 


DAN QUAYLE, Vice-President of the United States 

The Bogus Man, by Roxy Music 

Principal's Office, by Young М.С. 

Johnny Can't Read, by Don Henley 

Mumbo Jumbo, by Squeeze 

Everybody's Somebody's Fool, by Connie Francis 

Never Mind, by the Replacements 

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor (on the Bedpost 
Over Night), by Lonnie Donegan 


CHARLES Н. KEATING, JR., under investigation 
for skimming money from Lincoln Savings and Loan 

Did You Steal My Money, by the Who 

Free Money, by Patti Smith 

The Hustle, by Van McCoy 

Jailhouse Rock, by Elvis Presley 


WILLIAM BENNETT, drug czar 
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, by the Platters 


Eight Miles High, by the Byrds 
Purple Haze, by Jimi Hendrix 
Cocaine, by Eric Clapton 

No No Song, by Ringo Starr 


THE REVEREND JERRY FALWELL, televangelist 
Gimme Your Money Please, by Bachman-Turner Overdrive 
Would Jesus Wear a Rolex, by Ray Stevens 

Papa Don't Preach, by Madonna 

Great Balls of Fire, by Jerry Lee Lewis 

Hit the Road, Jack, by Ray Charles 


TIPPER GORE ond SUSAN BAKER, antirock 
queens 

Airhead, by Thomas Dolby 

Neurotico, by King Crimson 

What а Fool Believes, by the Doobie Brothers 

1 Love Rock “М Roll, by Joan Jett 

Rhythm Nation, by Janet Jackson 

Don't Come Around Here No More, by Tom Petty & the 
Heartbreakers 


TERRY RAKOLTA, Michigan housewife who cam- 
paigns against sex on TV 

Dreams of the Everyday Housewife, by Glen Campbell 

TV Set, by the Cramps 

She Breaks for Rainbows, by the В-525 

Le Freak, by Chic 

Theme from Married . . . with Children 


SENATOR JESSE HELMS, anti-sex-in-art fanatic 

Paint а Vulgar Picture, by the Smiths 

1 Have а Paintbrush in My Hand to Color a Triangle, by the 
СТО% 

Art for Arts Sake, by 10сс 

I Know What I Like, by Genesis 

Too Much Paranoias, by Devo 


N E W 


S F R 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


THE PHILOSOPHER IS IN 


AMSTERDAM— Where do you turn when 
psychotherapy doesn't work? To philoso- 
phy, at least т the Netherlands. In 1987, 
Dutch philosophers began practicing their 


trade by talking with clients about every- 
thing from the meaning of life to career 
changes. They help their customers look al 
life from a different perspective, one that is 
less focused on their childhood traumas 
and subconscious behavior and more at- 
tentive to their ideals. The philosophers 
charge as much as $250 for five hourlong 
sessions. Think of the opportunity we 
missed in the Sixties, when Hefner sup- 
plied “The Playboy Philosophy” at no ex- 
tra charge to our readers. 


COLLEGE DROPOUT 


JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI—The Inter- 
national Accrediting Commission for 
Schools, Colleges and Theological Semi- 
naries flunked—in a big way—a test 
given by the Missouri attorney general’s 
office. After receiving complaints from stu- 
dents at some schools accredited by the 
commission, the attorney generals office 
cooked up a fictitious handbook for a bo- 
gus business college staffed with adminis- 
trators such as Edward J. Haskell, 
Peelsburi Dobouy, Ph.D., Richard Kim- 
bell and Wonarmd Maan, Ph.D., gave it 
a Latin motto that translates as “Educa- 
tion is for the birds” and submitted it for 
accreditation. When the phony school was 


duly accredited, the Missouri attorney 
generals office sued for fraud. It closed 
before a court settlement. Note: The com- 
mission was nol registered with the U.S. 
Department of Education. 


AN EPIDEMIC OF FIDELITY? 


According to Psychology Today, two 
national telephone surveys conducted by 
Gallup and NORC found that 95 percent 
of married Americans had been faithful to 
their partners during the previous year, 
that nine out of ten Americans have been 
‘faithful to their present spouses during the 
entire course of their marriages and that 
about half of the married American popu- 
lation had not had a sexual partner other 
than their future spouse before marriage, 
From those figures, PT. concludes that 
“Americans are a chaste and faithful peo- 
ple, a most monogamous nalion.” Either 
that or they have sense enough not to re- 
veal the intimate details of their lives to 
randam telephone callers 


WEAPONS OF WAR 


SACRAMENTO—A new California law 
permits authorities to seize the liquor li- 
censes of bar and liquorstore owners who 
tolerate drug dealing on their property. 

CHICAGO—Despite numerous arrests, 
Chicago police have been unable to close 
down an apartment building that is a 
haven for drug dealers. Taking matters 
into its oum hands, a neighborhood 
group, 500 African-American Men for 
Justice, unearthed a 32-year-old statute 
that allows lawsuits against “public nui- 
sances." If criminal law can't keep drugs 
ош of neighborhoods, maybe civil law 
con 


WE ARE CURIOUS YELLOW 


BENING—“Sweep the Yellow,” Chinas 
war against pornography, has been а 
howling success. Yellow in China refers lo 
pornography, but primary school stu- 
dents, confused by the slogan, turned in 
books bound in yellow and bare-hattomed 
baby pictures. They also went to school 
armed with brooms. In some towns, sales 
of pornographic books actually increased 
when parents, eager that their children 
meet the school quota, purchased pornog- 
raphy for them to hand over to school 
officials, 


THE PARTY LINE 


VATICAN CHIVAS if there weren't 
enough spiritual perils to go around, the 
Vatican has warned Roman Catholics 
that Zen, yoga and transcendental medi- 
tation can "degenerate into a сий of the 
body,” which may come as a surprise to the 
advocates of those disciplines, who tend to 
think of them as most affecting the state of 
the mind. What bugs the Church, accord- 
ing to officials, is the tendency of some 
religious movements, prayer groups, 
monasteries and convents to use Eastern 
meditation improperly. Calling it an 
“erroneous” method of prayer, the Vatican 
says that it seems “to impress many Chris- 
tians, appealing to them as a kind of rem- 
«йу... or as a quick way of finding God” 
and that attempts to fuse Eastern and 
Catholic meditation pose “dangers and 


errors. 


WHAT WOULD HELMS SAY? 


1ONDON— "Lady Chatterleys Lover,” by 
D. Н. Lawrence, once central to the US. 
debate on whal is or is not pornography (it 
isn't), was adapted by the BBC for а 15- 
part radio broadcast complete with ex- 


plicit passages and four-letter words. The 
novel is the most risqué work ever chosen 
for the 42-year-old program “А Book at 
Bedtime," and predictably, there was an 
outcry—though a futile one—from anti- 
pornography crusaders. 


Allafternoon, George Bush, wearing 
tasteful, authoritative charcoal-pin- 
stripe underwear and with a complex- 
jon that showed the wonders of 
liposuction, acted the gracious host to 
50 old friends and family members at 
the White House Easter party. И was 
business as usual. 

But at a policy meeting later that day, 
he was infuriated to hear that some- 
where in the U.S.A., an unidentified 
and possibly imaginary nonwhite sus- 
pected crack addict had pulled a hus- 
band and wife from a car, sexually 
threatened the wife (“Lick you all over 
for a quarter”) and asked the husband 
for change. “Enough is enough. This 
unidentified and possibly imaginary 
nonwhite suspected crack addict is not 
going to lay off. It will only get worse.” 

The meeting turned to a consider- 
ation of options. One was a surgical 
criminal procedure. Police would inves- 
tigate, ту to isolate and apprehend a 
suspect, read him his rights and subject 
him with all due process to a trial by 
jury, followed by drug-education pro- 
grams and hut ie medical interven- 
tion. “Too iffy,” said Bush. “Let's do it 
again.” 

Calling together the PR team that 
had planned the successful Panama in- 
vasion, Bush launched the invasion of 
America. The task of explaining demo- 
cratic action was given to Dan Quayle: 
“We are fed up. The inner city has per- 
sisted in a pattern of crime and drug 
abuse despite years of sanctions.” The 
УР was referring to Operation Pover- 
ty—a Reagan program that virtually 
stopped the flow of U.S-made goods 
and services into the inner city. 

On Easter Sunday, 24,000 troops flew 
into the South Bronx, Roxbury, Cabrini- 
Green, Watts and Marion Barry's hotel 
room. A Justice Department edict de- 
clared that search warrants were not 
necessary: Water taps (wherein the 
Feds subjected neighborhood sewerage 
systems to random drug testing) had 
determined that there was at least one 
drug user on every block in the inner 
city. 

At a news conference the following 
Thursday, the usually reserved. and 
well-dressed President seemed almost 
cocky Military casualties in the inva- 
sion—more than a score dead and 200 
wounded—were heartbreaking but 
nevertheless worth it, he said. “My 


ratings have gone from a post-Panama 
high of seventy-six percent to an almost 
unilateral one hundred percent” 
When Sam Donaldson pointed out that 
most people who had opposed the inva- 
sion were dead, killed in the heavy 
shelling of suspected crackhouses, 
Bush shrugged. “Civilian costs were 
high. Our reports indicate that for 
every unidentified nonwhite suspected 
crack addict apprehended, we killed 
four hundred citizens—about what we 
expected. The destruction of private 
property on average was less costly 
than expected, We are, after all, talking 


“еб 
do it again.” 


slums, not military headquarters. But 
as Lee Atwater points out, there is a 
bright side to the death toll. We have all 
but elimimated poverty in America: 
The average income just rose by ten 
thousand dollars per capita. Unemploy- 
ment isa thing of the past. At this rate, 
we will all be Republican: 

Reporters were hard pressed to 
provide objective coverage. The Pen- 
tagon, having learned its lesson in 
Grenada and Panama, insisted on a 
press pool. After securing Elaine's and 
the chic Tavern on the Green against 
possible gang retaliation, a group of 
ТУ anchor men were able to piece this 
report together from CNN clips they 
watched on the TV over the bar. 

Opposition to the invasion was fiercer 
than expected. Battalions of storefront 
lawyers wearing A.C.L.U. Tshirts took 
to the streets in guerrilla activity, But 


they were dealt with by pro-American 
police units, which had spent the night 
listening to tapes by the anti-authority 
rap group Nonwhites with Attitude. 

Inevitably, there were mistakes. 
Many paratroopers missed their land- 
ing zones and had to take public trans- 
portation. Assuming that anyone with a 
boom box was the enemy. in the confu- 
sion of combat, they killed many brief- 
case-toting commuters. The shelling of 
Rox- bury destroyed houses in 
poor neighborhoods, as well 
as the adjacent Kennedy 
com- pound. 


“Teams of accountants were trying to 
locate the almost 125 billion dollars of 
missing money that Government ex- 
peris say the drug trade has rerouted 
from the standard economy “That's 
five hundred and five dollars per per- 
son. Would you please check the 
pockets of the coat you sent to the 
cleaner's last week?" 

The unidentified nonwhite sus- 
pected crack addict, when he finally 
turned himself in to authorities, said 
that all of his money was tied up in 
American Continental. “Junk bonds,” 
he said, “are the crack cocaine of the 
middle class.” 

Bush said he planned to rebuild the 
inner city. Responding to critics who 
asked why the Government hadn't con- 
sidered funding urban renewal before 
the invasion, he said, “The Democrats 
never get it right. First the war, then the 
Marshall Plan.” —JAMES R PETERSEN 


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Reporters Notebook 


JUST SAY NOTHING, NORIEGA 


we created the monster we've now propped up on 
trial. could be kind of awkward 


Imagine the consternation in the bowels 
of the White House when they re: 
full dimension of their screw- 
2000-pound bomb had 
Noriega. This grotesque progeny of the 
CIA was still alive to thumb his nose at his 
creators. 

What to do now? A Noriega trial could 
quickly turn into a Bush-Noricga trial and 
that wouldn't look too good. Bet on it: If 
the guy stays alive through a trial, it will 
mean that a deal hasbeen struck. A deal in 
which Noriega, in return for leniency, 
shuts up about the killing, cheating and 
bombing that was done for the U.S. Cov- 
ernment for more than 30 years. If the tri- 
alis fair and the man gets to state his case, 
complete with the secret evidence in the. 
vaults of the US. Government, it will be 
our Cold War way of life that is convicted. 

How can the US. Government, led by 
a President who once ran this guy as an 
operative, now honestly judge him? 

“Before American foreign policy set out 
to destroy Noriega,” The Wall Street Jour- 
nal recently concluded, "it helped 
him out of the crucible of Pan: 
history of conspirators and pirates. 

Put more benignly by Senator. Patrick. 
Leahy, who has closely followed the intelli- 
gence data on Noriega, “I don’t think we 
created him as much as we fed Һ 
tured him and let him grow up to be big 
and strong.” 

Manuel Noriega was just a kid when the 
CIA recruited him, but he was a quick 
learner. And how was he to know that fash- 
ions would change? Back when he was a 
cadet in a Peruvian military academy, the 
US. Government paid him to spy on his 
fellow students and teachers. We bought 
any dirt about leftist remarks that he un- 
earthed or manufactured. Impressed with 
his early grasp of this métier, we encour- 
aged him to rise through the ranks of the 
Pai nian National Guard despite—or 
was it because of ?—a pattern of drunken- 
ness and violence. А US. embassy cable in 
1960 reported the arrest of cadet Noriega 
by Peruvian authorities for raping and sav- 
agely beating a "prostitute," but his U.S. 
mentors chose to ignore this character flaw 
and kept him on the payroll. Soon after, he 
was arrested for raping a 13-year-old girl 

During Noriega's next three decades as 
a paid US. agent, А handlers con- 
doned torture as long as Noriega gave 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


cle Sam what he wanted—an ally in the 
ist communism. Quite a guy, To 
the end, even as he was being led off to jail, 
Noriega wore medals, including one 
rned while attending the elite training 
‘amps the Pentagon ran in the Canal Zone 
and at Fort Bragg for the juntas of Latin 
America. 

Nothing new. Noriega was just one of 
many right-wing generals tapped as cham- 
pions of the free world. Remember that 
the US. had advance knowledge back in 
1968 that the democratically elected gov- 
ernment of Panama was to be overthrown 
by a group of military officers, including 
Omar Torrijos, who were trained by the 
Pentagon. The Johnson Administration, 
fearing that the democratic government 
had become too independent, welcomed. 
that coup, just as it sanctioned the rapid 
rise of Noriega. who was a junior member 
of the new military junta. In those good 
old days, Torrijos and his henchman Nor- 
iega built a military machine that gave 
the US. a solid base for Laun-American 
espionage. 

"There was no end of uses for this man, 
and he went on to ably serve five Admini: 
Under Lyndon Johnson, № 
niam unionists at- 
tempting to organize wor on the Uni 
ed Fruit plantations. For Nixon and Ford, 
he plotted against Cuba. With Carter in 
the White House, he offered refuge for the 
shah of Iran and help on the canal treaties. 
Reagan paid Noriega $200,000 a year in. 
pocket money and millions more in aid for 
facilitating the attempted overthrow of the 
government of Nicaragua. We may never 
know how much of that aid went into Nor- 
icga's own pocket; it most likely contribut- 
ed more to his estimated $300,000,000 
personal wealth than what he might have. 
aken from the Colombian drug cartel. He. 
got more from Uncle Sam than most 
American cities. 

In return, five U.S. Admini 
looked the other way as the Panama 
Defense Forces looted their country 
through the control of prostitution, drugs 
and gunrunning, Most lucrative was the 
international banking center that the PD.E 
created to facilitate the laundering of drug 
profits. 


rations 


LS. intelligence agencies had the goods 
on Noriega's drug ties for at least 16 years 


before finally bringing charges against 
him in F 1988. As сапу as 
1972, when Nixon was upholding the na- 
tional virtue, there was even a plan for the 
US. to assassinate Noriega, according toa 
Senate Intelligence Committee report. 

Bush now insists that he did not know of 
Noriega’s drug dealings until the 1988 
dictment. Unbelievable. For that to be true, 
he would have had to ignore numerous re- 
k while he served. 
in variou vernment positions. Admira 
Stansheld Turner, who succeeded Bush as 
CIA Director, terminated direct payments 
to Noriega and noted later in an interview, 
“Whenever Bush was in office, Noriega was 
on the payroll.” 

In addition to being head of the CIA, 
Bush as Vice-President was director of the 
antidrug task force that accumulated a 
great deal of data on Noriega. Bush was 
so а member of the National Security 
Council, which kept close tabs on Noriega's 
dealings. As Norman Bailey, a former NSC. 
official, testified before Congress about 
Nor iega’s drug dealings dating back to the 
Available to me as an officer of 
lable to any authorized 
official of the U.S. Government, is a pleth- 
of human intelligence, electronic 
intercepts and satellite and overflight 
photographs that, taken together, consti- 
tute not just a smoking gun but rather 
twenty-one-cannon barrage of evidence. 

Perhaps the boxes of evidence collected 
in Panama will resolve some lingering 
questions about the Bush-Noriega-Contra 
drug connections. Is it possible that Bush 
managed to keep himself in the dark while 
his aides were up to their eyeballs in this 
sorry Contra-Noriega stew? Is it possible 
that Bush will do what the Reagan Admin- 
istration did with the Irangate scandal— 
shift all blame to a dead man, Bush's 
colleague and later CIA Director, William 
Casey? If so, we will be expected to believe 
that Casey acted on his own when he per- 
sonally met with his dictator-employee no 
fewer than six times, both in Panama and 
at CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia. 
And the result of those contacts? At 
Casey's behest, Noriega created an opera- 
1983 to train Contra rebels. Three 
y Oliver North, acting with 
Casey's blessings, secretly met Noriega in 


London to (concluded on page 177) 


ports that crossed his des 


me. 


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ww waves DAVE BARRY 


a candid conversation about scum ponds, beer, suburbia and the 
sixties with the columnist called “the funniest man in america” 


If theres a subject on which Dave Barry 
doesn't have something funny to say, most 
US. newspaper readers haven't found it yet. 
A few samples: 

On the possibility that your wife is having 
an affair: “You can tell, because she will in- 
evitably do one of two things—act guilty or, 
in an effort to trick you, act the same as al- 
ways. So ils a good idea to accuse her once 
every two or three days.” 

On options trading: “This is when you 
promise to buy something, such as a pork bel- 
by, that you would never in a million years ac- 
tually want to possess and is probably not 
even permitted in your condominium.” 

On whether the Vikings discovered Ameri- 
са before Columbus: "More and more, histo- 
rians argue that they did, because this would 
result in a new national holiday, which a lot 
of historians would get off” 

It is jokes like these that have made Barry, 
42, the hottest humor columnist in the coun- 
try. In the 150 cities where his weekly dis- 
batches appear, fans consider him reason. 
enough to buy the paper. Elsewhere. devotees 
ask friends to mail (or, better yet, fax) them 
his columns or manage to content themselves 
with his nine books (seven originals—only 
two are compilations of previously published 
work). Last year’s release, “Dave Barry Slept 
Here," was a reduction ad absurdum of 


“I apologized for my column om President 
Bush and Vice-President Quayle. 1 said I oc- 
casionally go a little too far I also said 1 have 
the deepest respect for President Snailsucker 
and Vice-President Роот." 


American history, in which, for simplicity’ 
sake, all important events happened on Octo- 
ber eighth (in reality, the birthday of Barry% 
nine-year-old son, Robert), and in which the 
Louisiana Purchase was explained in this 
real-estate ad: “Nice piece of land, approx. 
34 hillion jillion acres, convenient to West, 
perfect for growing nation.” His tenth book, 
the frightening “Dave Barry Turns 40," is an 
original look at the onsel of middle age and 
will be released next month. 

So what is it about Barrys writing that 
sends adults—including many who dont 
normally read humor columns—inio weekly 
hysterics? The jurors who in 1988 awarded 
him a Pulitzer Prize for commentary (a prac- 
tically unheard-of honor for a humor writer) 
aren't saying The New York Times called 
him possibly “the funniest man in America” 
but failed to note that satirizing the Times’ 
own pomposity is one of his most polent gim- 
micks. One Barry character, Mr. Language 
Person, is a funny-bage version of the Times’ 
venerable usage expert William Safire. Other 
columns start off sounding like high-minded, 
op-ed-page discourses bul then deteriorate, at 
exactly the right moment, into the literary 
equivalent of a spithall. 

Barry was born and raised (bul apparently 
didn't grow up) in idyllic Armonk, New York. 
His family, which includes two brothers and a 


“There are two systems for childbirth. There's 
the old system, where the man did not have to 
watch. That was a good system. The тату 
function was to sit and read old copies of 
Field & Stream and smoke Camels.” 


sister, seemed sitcom perfect but had a tragic 
dark side: His mother was chronically de 
pressed (she committed suicide three years 
ago); his father, a Presbyterian minister, was 
an alcoholic. A self-described “tiny geck with 
glasses,” Barry became class clown as а de- 
fense against unpopularity. “It often got to 
the point where, if 1 made one more joke, (A) 
the dass would really crack up and (В) I was 
going to be thrown out of school—and I'd 
make the joke anyway! I couldn't help myself,” 
says Barry, 

As an English major at Haverford College 
in the Sixties, he protested the war, took drugs 
and played guitar in a series of "awful" rock 
bands. After embarking on a career as a re- 
porter and humor columnist for the Daily 
Local News in West Chester, Pennsylvania, 
and ending a brief first marriage (“1 was too 
young lo drive a car, much less get married”), 
he married Beth Lenox Pyle, a colleague at 
the paper. Although he lefi to teach “effective 
writing” seminars for corporations, he con- 
tinued producing weekly columns that were 
gradually picked up by newspapers around 
the country. 

In 1986, after The Miami Herald began 
syndicating his column nationally, Barry 
moved to Miami with Beth and Robert. Some 
Floridians insist that, since Don Johnson left, 
Barry has become the best-known person in 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY J. BRIAN KING 


"When I'm on a plane, 1 don't like it when the 
pilot is younger than I am. think there ought 
to be a rule about that. They ought to check, 
and if I'm on the plane, the pilot should Бе 
older than I am.” 


61 


PLAYBOY 


62 


Miami. “Hell.” he says, “Don Shula is more 
famous than I ат. Don Shulas stomach is 
more famous than I am." By the time he won 
the Pulitzer in 1988, his column was appear- 
ing regularly in 100 newspapers and his 
books were guaranteed best sellers, Still, with- 
ош а national outlet for his writing, he is lit- 
tle known in some cities, а star т others—a 
dichotomy that he says “is a good reminder of 
the bullshitness of fame.” 

To interview Barry, we sent Fred Bernstein, 
a journalist and himself a humorist, to Min- 
neapolis, where Barry was promoting a new 
book. Bernstein’: report: 

“My biggest question—Is Dave Barry fun- 
ny in real life? —was answered right away. 
As we ate dinner in Daves hotel, he joked 
about everything from the size of the pepper 
mill proffered by the waiter (What is that, a 
log? You could build cabins in Montana from 
that thing’) to the Caesar salad being pre- 
pared at a nearby table (1 thought we'd asked 
to sit т а no-Caesarsalad section’) to the 
giant pepper mill again ("Why don't they 
Just back a pepper truck up to the table and 
dump 117”). 

“The next day, the action shifted to his 
room, where an NBC news crew was filming 
a ‘typical’ day in the life of Dave Barry. А 
waiter came to the door with a tray of beer 
and was startled by the clutch of cameramen. 
Barry, instantly taking on the haughty man- 
ner of a Hollywood director/auteur, said to 
the wailer, ‘OK, your motivation is: You're the 
waiter. And your action is: You're bringing in 
the tray. And you say, “Where shall I put 
this?” and I say, “Put it here,” Got that?" 

“A few weeks later, we met in Miami. Bar- 
ту gave me a tour of the newsroom at The 
Miami Herald, his base of operations, where 
we were pretty much ignored by his colleagues 
(‘See how they're all pretending not to notice 
me, because I'm a famous humor colum- 
ты?) In his office, he described lus typical 
day, which includes answering his fan mail, 
drinking а lot of beer and reading the 
tabloids—the inspiration for many of his 
most ridiculous columns (among his particu- 
lar interests: accounts of turtles trying to 
make love to scuba divers). 

“Later, we rendezuoused al Barry's house, 
a modest five-bedroom ranch still piled high 
with boxes from the family’s move there just a 
week before. As a plumber worked in one of 
the bathrooms, Barry elaborated on the 
houses special features, including a giant 
fireplace (You need this here in Miami—for 
the nights when the temperature drops to 
eighty, with a relative humidity of only nine- 
tyfive percent’), introduced his dogs, Earnest 
and Zippy, which appear to be as stupid as 
Barry daims in his columns, and showed me 


his ‘shithicker’ Dodge van and four-wheel- 
drive Cherokee jeep (You have lo have four 
wheel drive in Miami, in case a bale falls out 
of the sky and you hit a cocaine skid’), Then 


we sat down, beers in hand and mutts lap- 
ping at our feet, and began our discussion.” 


PLAYBOY: Let's start on a scholarly note. 
How would you describe your humor? 
BARRY: It’s vicious, irresponsible, chil 
and filled with lies. It's a lot like the Ui 
States Congress. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you won the Pulitzer Prize. 
BARRY: Well, it was a slow year for commen- 
des, I burned the other entrie: 
PLAYBOY: Still, you do discuss ide: 
BARRY: But only obvious ideas, like “People 
shouldn't be rude" and “We don't need a 
U.S. Government." Really, I'm not trying to 
change peopl ids. In fact, 1 get really 
angry when people suggest there's a pu 
pose to my humor, Em not interested in se- 
tious humor, you know, the kind high 
school teachers love; “Now we're going to 
read A Midsummer Nights Dream, class, 
and its a real thigh slapper.” Whats really 
т s when you're alone wi 


ıt only the two of 
you understand. That's the kind of sopho- 
moric humor 1 like. The closer it gets to 
the "universal themes" of humor, the less 


“They'd leave huge mounds 
of zucchini, a vegetable 
primarily suitable for ballast. 
Sometimes we'd wake up and 


our car would be buried.” 


likely you are to pee in your pants. 
PLAYBOY: You're not trying to be universal, 
yet millions of people find you funny. 
BARRY: If that's truc, it scares me. I'm just 
going for entertainment. Nothing 1 write 
will change the world. Thats why Pm not 
really comfortable with an NBC news crew 
coming here to shoot a “typical” day in my 
life. My typical suburban day would be so 
boring they'd never want to show it on 7 
What they nt is one wacky da 
the life of a wacky guy. It just doesn't exist. 
igh-pitched scream is heard.) 
at was that? 
BARRY: A peacock, One of our neighbors 
has . Either peacock just 
naturally loud birds or this man has got it 
hooked up to electrodes. But it doesnt 
bother me at all, really. I'm not about to 
take а machete and kill this man and his 
peacock; I want to stress that. Later on, i 
thing happens to this man or his 
, I'm on record here. 
the peacock the reason you 
bought this new house? 
Atour old house, we only had 
a recording of a peacock that we played 
each morning. Now we've got a live pea- 


cock, which is better, Plus the scum pond. 
PLAYBOY: That fountain in the back yard? 
BARRY: Yeah, the scum pond is what at- 
tracted us to this house in the first place. 
The ad said, “Five bdrms, 1 sem pnd, must 
see to appreciate.” So we rushed over. 
PLAYBOY: Did you pay extra for 
BARRY: Well, we negotiated. “All right, we'll 
meet your price, but the scum pond in the 
back yard stays.” They were going to take 
it along with them. But it was cheap at 
half the price. We have so much scum 
now that we're able to take baskets of it to 
our neighbors. 
PLAYBOY: Do they appreciate it? 

BARRY: Oh, they loye it. Its just like when 
people bring you zucchini, which they 
uscd to do in our old neighborhood in 
Tennsylva hey'd never come over 
when you were home, because then you'd 
say, “No, thanks, don't need any” Instead, 


marily suitable for ballast. Sometimes we'd 
wake up and our car would be buried un- 
der zucchini, We could have retaliated 
with scum if we'd had a scum pond. 
PLAYBOY: What else do people give you? 
BARRY: Well, on book tours, people 
walk up to me and packs of 
beer. They know from my columns that I 
drinka lot of beer. But you can't really car- 
Ty а six-pack onto an airplane. Well, you 
can, but you have to leave your luggage be- 
hind. So I've done that. 

PLAYBOY: We've noticed that you have a lot 
of ceiling tans m your home. 

BARRY: Its important to have one over ev- 
ery bed, so at night you can lie awake 
thinking, I wonder who installed that. I 
wonder if he really knew how to keep that 
sucker up there, or if its going to come 
hurtling down and slice through my thigh 
like a machete through Wonder bread. 
PLAYBOY: They do tend to rock back and 
forth. 

BARRY: They rock back and forth and they 
creak. They wait until you're just about to 
fall asleep, and then they go, 
Feelin! a little loose up here. 
speak out loud at night. 
PLAYBOY: So if you called the guy who in- 
stalled them: 
led say, “Oh, yeah, yeah, they'll 
rock on you. Nothing to worry about. Well 
come out and check it in the mor 
And then he'd fice to the Everglades a 
get plastic surgery to avoid any chance of 
your ever finding him again. 

PLAYBOY: What was the move like? 

BARRY: You become insane trying to empty 
your house. Your stuff actually tends to 
multiply, At one point, I watched Beth 
open a box that had never been opened 
from the last move. She took out all the 
items one by one and put them into a big- 
ger Бох, which we then moved here, and 
which is probably in our garage right now, 
ig to be thrown av 
PLAYBOY: Or waiting for the next move. 
BARRY: Right. And the thing is, we could 
have bought everything we needed in 


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PLAYBOY 


fifteen minutes at a К mart. But no one 
does that. We would be terrible nomads, 
Beth and I. We would be, like, the only 
nomads to carry around an aquarium on 
our backs. And we've never had fish. 
PLAYBOY: What's the worst thing about 
moving? 

BARRY: You completely lose your moral val- 
ues. You get to the point where you justify 
leaving behind disgusting things for the 
next owner: cans with one inch of petrified 
paint left at the bottom—sure, it was pur- 
chased during the Truman Administra- 
tion, and sure, й was there when you 
moved in, but you leave it, anyway. "In case 
they need it." 

PLAYBOY: Are you doing a lot of work on the 
house? 

BARRY: We're going 
to add on a bed- 
room, which should 
make our lives а liv- 
ing hell. That's what 
the contractor says: 
“A living hell.” Con 
tractors get joy in 
telling you that. Ap 
parently, the мау 
they work is, they 
cut off your water 
and electricity and 


cally and hurl documents into the air 
Then, when we finally bought a build- 
ing, there were only seven apartments, but 
there were, like, seventy toilets, and every 
one of them had had an inappropriate 
object shoved down it by a tenant. You 
know how tenants sit around, tenanting, 
and then, suddenly, one of them will leap 
up and yell, "I've got it! Let's put an accor- 
dion in the toile!" So 1 became the 
plumber, and now I'll pay any price not to 
have to do it in my own house, any price at 
all. IF the guy wants to take my son in ex- 
change for fixing my toilet, then we'll just 
have to have another child 
PLAYBOY: Wouldn't you miss your son? 
BARRY: I'd miss him, but someday Robert 
will have to go out into the world. And I'm 


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which time you 
live in a motel. 
Then, decades later, 
the contractor's de- 
scendants come 
back and finish the 
work in about a day 
PLAYBOY: Could you 
do the work your- 
self? 

BARRY: I could. 1 
used to be sort of a 
landlord. 1 had this 
idea that we 
going to get rich by 
investing in real estate. I read this book 
about leverage and depreciation, which 
were, like, two superheroes who kept ap- 
pearing, like Batman and Robin. The idea 
of the book was, we'd use none of our own 
money and there'd be leverage! And then 
there'd be depreciation! Following which 
we'd be rich. Not one place in this book did 
it mention the word toilet. 

PLAYBOY: So what happened? 

BARRY: First of all, the bankers laughed at 
the concept of our not using any of our 
money. They would have other bankers 
come in from different banks and they'd 
sit them down and have us repeat the part 
about how we werent going to use any of 
our own money. Then they'd laugh hysteri- 


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PLAYBOY: Do you and Beth plan to have any 
more kids? 

BARRY: No. It was really Beth's decision. I 
don't know if you've ever seen a baby being 
born— 

PLAYBOY: Tell us about it. 

BARRY: Well, first of all, there are two sys- 
tems for childbirth. There's the old system, 
under which I was born, where the man 
did not have to watch. That was a good sys- 
tem. The man’s function was to sit in the 
waiting room and read old copies of Field 
& Stream and smoke a lot of Camels. As for 
the woman, she did have to be in the deliv- 
ery room—you understand that part, 
right?—but she was given extensive nar- 


cotics and didn't wake up until the child 
was entering about the third grade. 

So it was really a good system. The only 
people who actually had to watch the baby 
come out were trained medical personnel 
wearing masks and getting paid for it. But 
later, in the mid-Seventies, without any leg- 
islation being passed that 7 know of, the 
man was suddenly required to go and 
watch the baby being born! Not only that but 
there were even classes 
PLAYBOY: You mean Lamaze? 

BARRY: Yeah. My wife and I went to classes 
where we sat around ina room with people 
we didn't know and discussed things like 
the uterus 

PLAYBOY: What was that like? 

BARRY: Well, there was a time in my life 
when I would have 
killed for reliable in- 
formation about the 
uterus. But having 
discussed it in de- 
tail, and having seen 
actual full-color pic- 
tures of it, while I 
respect it a great 
deal as an organ, it’s 
lost a lot of its 
sparkle for me. 

Anyway, in these 
classes, they kept 
talking about "con- 
tractions.” They 
never used the word 
pain 

So when the great 
day came and the 
baby was actually 
coming out, Beth 
was making noises 
like a whale, and she 
tried the breathing 
exercises and they 
were really effective 
for, oh, Га say 
fifteen, possibly 
even twenty sec- 
onds. Then she 
switched to the 
more traditional 


method, which is 
screaming for 
drugs. But they 


didn't give her any- 
thing for the pain—I mean, the contrac- 
tions—because they wanted her to have 
full, complete, natural childbirth, Which is 
why I think we have just the one child. 1 
mean, I've told her I'd be up for another 
child, but her answer is always, “Well, then, 
you have it. 
PLAYBOY: Were you helpful when Robert 
was a baby? 

BARRY: Yeah, I changed diapers, did all 
that stuff. A baby's output is amazing, es- 
pecially when you're toilet training him. 
Its like when you have a dog, you're ready 
to nominate him for the Nobel Prize the 
first time he doesn't pee on the carpet. It's 
the same with kids. You end up calling 
your parents and saying, “Guess what? 


Robby made poo-poo in the potty.” “Oh, 
good, put him on.” 1 have a theory that 
having a child lowers everyone's LO. All 
you ever talk about is poo-poo. А few days 
earlier, you were solving the Middle Fast 
situation. 

PLAYBOY: What happened after Robert was 
toilet trained? 


your Pulitzer Prize-winning columns? 

BARRY: Well, my editor at The Miami Her- 
ald edits me only if he doesn't think its 
funny. Hes the only person who has less 
taste than I do. So if I wrote an entire 
column about eel boogers, he might say, 
“No, you used eel boogers last week.” That 


called the President “sputumhead.” You 
know, George Herbert Walker Armoire 
Vestibule Sputumhead Bush IV. Aristotle 
made exactly the same joke many times. 
But the Bangor Daily News in Maine 
changed it to “I have nothing but the deep- 
est personal respect for President Bush 

and Vice-President 


BARRY: He could go 
all by himself, but 
he would never go 
except in public rest 
rooms. And if it was 
a really disgusting 
rest room, a rest 
room where there 
were skeletons of 
Board of Health 
employees who had 
died trying to in- 
spect it, he would 
have to do number 
two. He'd go into 
the stall, and he was 
so little that you 
couldnt see his feet, 
and I would have to 
stand there, guard- 
ing the door be- 
cause you can't just 
leave a kid in a pub. 
lic rest room, espe 
cally in Florida, 
where they would 
steal him and sell 
him for parts. So I 
would be standing 
there, and inevi- 
tably some stranger 
would walk in, and 
Га feel obligated to 
somehow alert this 
person to the fact 
that Um not а per 
vert lurking but a 
parent guarding his 
child. So I'd say, 
“How's it going in 
there, Robert?” And 
of course, he 
wouldn't answer, so 
Id basically look 
like a person talking 


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Thats my main So when you get a pair, you 
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PLAYBOY: Getting 
back to your work— « 
do you like writing? 
BARRY: Well, it's ter- 
rible doing a weekly | 
column, because it's 
like always having a term paper due. 
Morse than a term paper, really, because if 
you don't do it, they can take away your 
house. Still, the writing part is better than. 
anything that happens after the writing is 
done. 

PLAYBOY: Like what? Like being edited? 
BARRY: Yeah. 

PLAYBOY: Are you saying people change 


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Quayle.” Now, my 
feeling is that if the 
Bangor Daily News 
doesnt think its 
funny or thinks it's 


run it. [certainly 
spect their right to 
drop a column, but 
they don't have the 
rightto change what 
1 said and then leave 
my by-line on it 

PLAYBOY: What hap- 


E wrote this long 
column about how 
really sorry I was, 
but occasionally, in 
an effort to be fun- 
ny I go a little too 
far. And 1 also said 
that 1 have nothing 
but the deepest per- 
sonal respect for 
President Snailsuck- 
€i and Vicc-Prcsi- 
dent Dootbrain. 

PLAYBOY: Doot? 


BARRY: оо. D-O- 
oT: 
PLAYBOY: Docs it 


mean anything? 

BARRY: No, ils kind 
of like a mild, nurs- 
ery school way of 
saying shithead, 1 
guess, You can't rea 
ly write Vice-Pre: 
dent Shithead. We 
havent progressed 
that far in American 
journalism 

PLAYBOY: 
haver 
BARRY: No, 1 cant 
say shit at all. The 
other words I cant 
| use are fuck, piss, 


Ме 


cock, cunt, prick. 
Pretty much the 
same words that 


would be his only criticism. But some 
newspapers edit me for taste, which usual- 
ly means eliminating all the punch lines. 
When they're done, there's this dead car- 
cass of a column, not funny at all, the kind 
of thing you might use to console a widow. 
PLAYBOY: Do you remember any particular- 
ly egregious examples? 

BARRY: Well, 1 wrote one column in which I 


George Carlin said 
you can't use on ТУ And probably for 
good reason, though I'm not sure what 
that reason is. Tò me, you know, words are 
words and nobody gets hurt by them, My 
son is nine years old and I listen to him and 
his friends talk and I know fora fact I have 
never written in any column half the 
words they have used routinely since 
kindergarten. So I have a hard time taking 


65 


PLAYBOY 


it too seriously when newspapers get puri- 
tanical. 

PLAYBOY: Is there anything else you don't 
like about your jol 
BARRY: One big problem 15 being recog- 
nized. In Miami, my picture is in the Her 
ald and when we go out, inevitably, people 
recognize me. Its flattering, but it's not 
what I want. Um a little scared of it, too. If 
I could push a button and never have any- 
опе recognize me in public, I would, 

: You could choose not to have your 
photo in the paper. Or just use a twenty 
year-old picture. Isn't that what Ann Lan- 
ders does? 

BARRY: Maybe I could use Ann Landers’ 
photo. 

PLAYBOY: It looks as much like you as it 
does like her: 

BARRY: Yes, I could use Ann's. She writes all 
my stuff, anyway. 105 time you knew that. 
PLAYBOY: How do you fecl about going out 
1 promoting your books? 

BARI Ps a pain. I was in Spokane, Wash- 
ington, and one of the local TV stations 
said, "OK, were just going to follow you 
around for the day. We want you to do 
whatever it isyou would normally do; dont 
pay any attention to us.” Then everything 1 
did they'd ask me to do again differently. 
They'd say, “Dave, could you come out of 
the building again? But this time, could 
you turn left instead of right?” And they 
would watch that, and then they would say, 
“No, no, it was better when you turned 
right.” If you told them, “John Е Kennedy 
is going to be assassinated in Dallas at ex- 
actly twelve-thirty гм. on November twen- 
second,” they would say, “No, we can't do 
it there. The light is wrong.” And then 
they'd say, “No, no, can you back up the car 
ite? Lee, could you lean out the win- 


e about to begin another 
book tour, arent you? 

BARRY: Yes. The book's called Dave Barry 
Turns 40. 

PLAYBOY: You're forty-two. Isn't that a little 
old to be writing about turning forty? 
BARRY: But, see, | had to turn forty to get 
to forty-two. That's one of the technical 
areas I cover in the book. 

PLAYBOY: Do you enjoy doing talk shows? 
BARRY: Yeah. I especially love shows on FM 
stations in places like Cowpark, Iowa. 
Shows with names like Focus on Talking. 
Except when they're interviewing authors, 
they play music by bands with names like 
Death Penis. You walk in and there's a re- 
ceptionist with a nail through her nose, 
and then you go back into some tiny little 
room and record this half-hour interview 
with some guy who keeps nodding off, and 
his head keeps banging into the table. He 
asks questions like, “Dave, what led you to 
write [name of your book]?" Then he sits 
there without listening. Then he asks, 
“Dave, what do you want us to feel when 
we're donc reading [name of your book]?" 


Then he sits there again without listening, 
and finally he asks, “Dave, what lies ahead 
after you're done with [name of your 
book]?" You know they're going to air it on 
Sunday morning at six am, when all of 
their listeners have no brain-wave activity. 
PLAYBOY: Is every interview that bad? 
BARRY: Some are a lot worse. Like when it's 
a call-in show. I'm not really a topic you can 
call in about. So people call in and say, 
“Dave, 1 love your column.” And I say, 
|, thanks.” “Really love it and just 
wanted to tell you that.” “OK, thanks very 
much.” People in eleven states are driving. 
off the road from boredom. 
PLAYBOY: But you've done Carson and Let- 
terman. 
BARRY: On shows like those, I’m usually the 
guy who follows the singing turtles. I am 
always the last act. I'm what's called an au- 
thor spot, which usually airs after the show 
ends. Sometimes, everybody gocs home 
and the author comes out and sits there. 
When I did Letterman, I assumed he 
wanted meto be funny. But then he started 
asking me questions about Miami and my 
background, like we've got all day. It was 
like listening to two guys talking in a 
1-Eleven. So we chatted for two or three 
minutes about Miami, and then it was time 
for a commercial, and then the show was 
over. And 1 had to fly all the way to New 
York for that. 
PLAYBOY: Normally, do you think Letter- 
man's funny? 
BARRY: Yeah, I've always liked his humor. 
PLAYBOY: He's occasionally accused of be- 
ing mean-spirited. 


BARRY: Really? 
PLAYBOY: Yeah. 

BARRY: Then fuck him. 

PLAYBOY: Have you been on Pat Sajak’s 
show? 


h, sure. I got to sit next to the fa- 
ock star Michael Damian, who 
ars pants made out of, 
molecules and has the entire petrochemi- 
cal output of. Libya in his hair. A lot of 
women in the audience, the girls, really 
liked him. They were getting turned on. 
Then / came out and it was kind of like Sis- 
ter Mary, the nun, had suddenly appeared. 
"That's how I affect them sexually. 

PLAYBOY: You don't think women find you 
sexually attractive? 

BARRY: People don't think of writers as sex 
objects. The women who write to me and 
suggest that we ought to have sex usually 
turn out to be, like, eighty, And their let- 
ters always end with, “Just joking.” Young. 
women never send me naked pictures. If 
there are any young women out there who 
would like to, I'd be grateful, very grate- 
ful. But it’s never happened. I keep check- 
ing my 
PLAYBOY: What do you get? 

BARRY: A lot of pictures of people's dogs. 
PLAYBOY: Naked? 

BARRY: Yeah, st 


kers. But they dont do 


anything for me. Not the way they 
PLAYBOY: Do you enjoy all the 
spend traveli 
BARRY: | basically like any environment 
where you can sit down and have a bloody 
mary brought to you. 

PLAYBOY: Not beer? 

BARRY: No, because after you have a beer, 
you have to pee, you know: I dont want to 
get too detailed here, but—— 

PLAYBOY: This is Playboy. 

BARRY: OK, then. The advantage of bloody 
marys is that you don't have to fight your 
way past morons in thc aisle to get to the 
bathroom. For some reason, when the air- 
lines deregulated, they apparently felt ob- 
ligated to lower the average 1.Q. of the 
passengers. Asa result, there are all these 
people who, if they get up for some rea- 
son—like to find a coloring book сапт 
get back to their seats. I wonder to myself, 
These people got dressed somehow. They 
seem to be capable of speech, but they're 
not capable of finding their seats on an air- 
plane. How could that be? 

PLAYBOY: Does flying scare you? 

BARRY: Yes, but only because in high 
school, when they showed us that little 
demonstration about how airplanes stay 
up, there were all those little arrows mov- 
ing over the wings. That I understood. But 
when I fly, I look out the window and I nev- 
ег see any arrows. And another thing: 
Where do they keep all the fuel? Huh? 
Huh? Thousands of gallons, and you nev- 
ersee it. Where is it, in the beverage cart? 
PLAYBOY: They say flying is the safest way 
to travel. 

BARRY: I know. I know. You're actually safer 
when you're thirty-five thousand fect in 
‚ou are when you're 
‚ And I believe that's true 
up to the point where the plane crashes. 
PLAYBOY: Are you nervous on a plane? 
BARRY: No, though I dont like it when the 
pilot is younger than I am. I think there 
ought to be a rule about that. They ought 
to check, and if Fm on the plane, the pilot 
should be older than 1 am. 100 often, it 
looks like the flight crew is just being a 
flight crew to raise money for their class 
trip. 

PLAYBOY: It's probably because of deregula- 
tion. 

BARRY: Right. Under deregulation, any- 
body who can produce wo forms of iden- 
tification is allowed to own an airline. 
People whose only training is in installi 
aluminum rain gutters are running air- 
lines. The difference is, when rain gutters 
fall down, you can just nail them upa 
PLAYBOY: You could own 
BARRY: Right. Air Dave. The pilots would 
have names that sound good, like First 
Officer LaGrange Weevil or Captain Del- 
toid P. Hamsterlicker. At mealtime, they 
would land, on an interstate if necessary, 
nd take everyone to a decent restaurant. 
Also, anyone who ordered a light beer 


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veste Al ure eaten те пек har Should be fhe ame colo and cines s М other haion your scalp H you star! 
‘ean OST! nat, e new nar sÁou be oi he tame co and mciness as те rest Of your har 
ow eng nnd ta use коол? 

FOCA аи nota 
потопе har gro ус e ot 
jest tur moris or поте your door ray advise you 1o dsconinue using ROGAINE 
What happens step using ROGAINE? Will {keep the mew hair? 

you ten vert ROGANE you sl вау Sed Me пем Ган мапе a Te months апе око treatment 
Nhat da dosage of ROGAINE? 

You Sos ару ML OOS OL FOGANE to es ã Gay. once In е Morning and once at nop. betore bedume Each 
‘te shoud ея about 30 cays one month] The aplicaors п each package of FOGANE are Ceogned 10 ару те carrec! 
amour of ROGAINE wih each аромат. Please er Ih Instction Ir Use 
Met M mis a dase or target to une псалт 

"feu mes ore or two Cay applicators кї ROGAINE. you show restart your ice day appicabon ard return fe your 
аши sche You OL rotate 1 mahe up tor sep appicarans 
Can I ene FOGAME more han tic x dy? MIN И work tatar? 

"о hides by The Upon Company hae ben art conduce 1o detemice the corel aroun of ROGAINE to se te 
on me most ва results More vequent opticos or uae ol urge deses (mare tar one tw day) Aare nal 
been sawn to Speedup the process ot hr фом and may neiese Ме possibuny ol sie elects 
‘What are the must cen эе effects reported ta clinical states with ROGAINE? 

tunes d rans vas ROGAINE тау? shew Ina Ie most comeron adverse els rec айтай te ROGAINE 
торта Solon were aching d oiner Sun entatons 1 Me медед rea ct Ше 5с2р Aout S' d palets had these 

Otter 
What are same ofthe sid atleta рери have reportes? 

Tne Weqiercy of de elects и рео vas st ecap lo dermatiog reactions. in е ROGAINE and phcebe 
fours Retprany (ore upper etspralory недеп seuss). Пет (eta or Alerg сопре! ттан. 
анта, hyperirenoss. loa ну ета. pruntas, Ory sk scalp ang eacerbanon var bss. opa), Gastes) 
(сатти navies, orion) Muteagp(feacache eures, nest ug певача). MurculorhltuVatures Batt 
un Ind) Салдоннсиш edema, chest pain. Босе pressure merase decreases, piano. pulse ale теле 
лее). Айну (rorspece alle wactons ves arg ипе. tea! ло and san) Speco! Sonses 
(tonnacivis, er echos, verto val Asturbances. тибе deceased sul acuity} Миров Nulorel ema 
же gard) Urnary Кас! (unrery tact electors, venal cal. etis) Сема act (нама раста. soe 
Spsturcbon),Psjchatnc unwely depression tags). Wematlogy(ymphadencpany.tembceytepera), Endocrine 

пдд м0 are hyperseranive 1 Panom. eropytee JC, 0¢ aro mus ot use ROGAINE 

ROGAINE Topical Soluta costas alcehoh. whic? сой cause Rum or итап, the еуез. mucous тепате. ог 
этиме shin artes ILROGAWNERCEEENaNy ges names arcs. De Pe arta win are amount ot cool tap war Coniac! 
уши dori raton pereas 
What are o ров side octo that соле afecte heart and culation when uning ROGAIME? 

'Atraugnsencus zd electa haver ben иие ю ROGAINE i ca tods, here а possi al they Eo 
occur becas e achye gredent п ROGAINE TopcalSolutan is Ie same as n ana abis 

"Mirta tais ate used o Wed gn oon pressure Mansi арз ove! ООО pressure ry reting re arteries. ae 
‘eect lied vasediaton Vaso lato eas to relenion а ud andırcrasedhear rte Tnelolowng elects have occurret 
те тое pasen шмг rom late ior Ph DOS press 

Increase hear rate- зате patients Кате reported ale restng heart aereas by more han 20 beats per mee 
Fupd weg gan ol more har 5 pounds or sweling (edema) ol me эсе. lans. ae. or soman aed soul н. 
Белги esproat when yng dene. э es эк es body ads or Вы Pe heart Worsening ot or new 
rael agua peeters 

‘ines ROGAINE Tope Solon «тео с поста! skan. very ae manasa abcerbed ard ha posi dec tes 
"e jnon tablets are nol expected wh me use О ROGAINE IL however you expenence any d he posse ade саз 
ted, Gscomtue use o ROGAINE але consult your doclor Presumably such sets would be most Vk peter 
absorption occured eg because ROGAINE was used оп damaged or untamed зл oi m greater hn recommended 

Inanmralstuces. nor w doses опе an wou be алей fe ogcaluse 1 people. Fas casedimparartear 
ое TNS ne of damage ha nol Deen Jen rant Hen racer ale Ion ticot presureatecint 
eser 
mat Inter may increase the risk el кийаш side elect wth ROGAINE? 

¡nda wit hion suspected unter ng coronary arwry deat ort presence ler predapesiion to heact ta 
would De at parbcua rà И leni: cts (Mat <<. increased heat rate or lac renun] d maras were o occut 
Pryscans and pics wi ese ends тер sense. Sour conseus line patentai dk ol неше d 1ey 
cost 10 use ROGAINE 

'POCANE snou De аррией any ю me scaip and sane mot De used on einer parts of me body. because absorption ol 
Inonu rey bewncteasedand De rsk ot sde elects may become greater Yous od not use ROGAINE you scaip becomes 
"rate? or sunburred. ато you STOO ON use ion wi о торса Petri mecavor on your scaip 
Can mun with nigh Hood pressure ves ОБАМЕ 

пето win Pyperersinn inca ose under atmen wi arlihypertersive agent ca use ROGAINE bul shout 
be тогон сизе бү te decor Patents thang guanethidine tor hgh Bons pressure зом ret vse ROGAN 
‘Saute any precautlens Би followed? 

dws ung ROGAWE steudbe monred by er physician one month at starting ROGAINE and at least every п 
тол, абедня Dacentnue ROGAINE 1 System ейе tecur 

Do rot use 4 n couch wi oiher opa agents such as cerbcosterods,rehncds and pelriatun or agents wat 
sohaneeparcutanousabserpon, ROGAINE lr орал „е ому Each P contains 20 ng non and ccdenblingeetior 
Erd cause adverse systemic elects E 

No tercaogencily wis lou wi topcl icon. ROGAINE зема rat be used by pregrant women or by nin 
тотеп, Te elects an leor and deve are not known. Pafat use Sally and eleciveness has ol been tSlabished 
Grae age © 

Caven Federal и probs dispensing wihouta prescrgtion You must see Cor 10 recewe a presenptan 


Upjohn 


Tre Upjohn Company 


cs, clung Wott teat 


‘дары, and headaches were reported by patenis vong ROGAINE or 


132777 February 1990 


would be ejected over Utah at thirty-five 
thousand feet. 

PLAYBOY: You seem to have a thing about 
light beer. 

BARRY: Yeah, and I got а letter the other 
day from a light beer asking if I would ap- 
pear in their commercial. But that brings 
up the problem of ethics, by which I mean, 
they'd have to pay me a lut of money. Quite 
frankly, all light beers, in my opinion, are 
rat urine. I take beer seriously, I take beer 
probably more seriously than religion. In 
fact, there's no contest. I'm one of those 
people who say if we can land a man on the 
moon, we should be able to make beer at. 
least as good as Paraguay does. 

PLAYBOY: So you're not happy with beer in 
this country? 

BARRY: Well, any beer advertised by sports 
figures, or by sweaty guys doing sweaty- 
guy stuff on television, I can almost guar- 
antee will be bad bee 

PLAYBOY: That's it. Once this interview ap- 
pears, you'll never get a beer commercial. 
BARRY: And Playboy will lose all its beer 
ads. 

PLAYBOY: Hmmm. 

BARRY: Of course, theres a lot of damn 
good heer advertised in Playboy. We have to 
stress that. 

PLAYBOY: So do you drink a particular 
beer? 

BARRY: I drink imported beer mostly, Or 
beer from microbreweries. 

PLAYBOY: Microbreweries? 

BARRY: Yeah, little breweries that no one’s 
ever heard of. Actually, I used to make 
pretty good beer in my basement. The on- 
ly problem was, you'd have to wait six 
weeks before you could drink it. So its 
probably faster to go into a bar, but not 
always. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever thought of doing 
stand-up comedy? 

BARRY: A lot of people have asked me that. 
And I do make speeches. But I think I'm 
funnier in print. Asa writer, [can manip- 
ulate the words until they say exactly what 
Um thin! 
at night. Newton proved that, right? So Fd 
have to perform at prayer breakfasts, 
which are not as good. Take my waffles, 
please. 
PLAYBOY: What 
you give speeches for? 

BARRY: Big Brothers and Big Sisters, and 
an organization that makes products to 
help deaf children hear. I also do a lot of 
work for mental health. 

PLAYBOY: Any special reason? 

BARRY: My sister, Kate, is a schizophrenic. 
We were very close when we were kids, and 
then she got this disease. They tried a lot 
of different treatments, but nothing really 
worked, and she ended up in an institu- 
tion. She has basically made peace with it. 
She's still as charming and intel 
er, but she's in another world. So I call her 
from time to time, but I don't even want to 


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PLAYBOY 


Чо that 100 often, because it just reminds 
her of her other life. Really there's nothing 
I can do, except once in a while send her 
fitiy dollars for cigarettes. So if a mental- 
health organization asks me to talk, 1 usu- 
ally agree, even though: its an obvious 
attempt to deal with my own guilt. 
PLAYBOY: You seem to be very open about 
personal subjects. 

BARRY: Well, l'm not afraid or embarrassed 
to talk about my life. But 1 guess I dont 
quite understand why my life should be 
n anyone else's. It trou- 
bles me that because I write a humor 
column, people would care more about the 
fact that my sister is a schizophrenic than 
the fact that the mailman's sister is a 
schizophrenic, when the problem is essen- 
tially the same. Thats the American 
celebrity obsession. 

PLAYBOY: But don't you enjoy having power 
to influence people? 

BARRY: There are plenty of other colum- 
s who devote their lives to persuading 
readers through logical discourse. Th. 
not what I'm trying to do. 1 just look for 
ways to make people laugh—whether the 
joke makes me seem left wing or whether it 
makes me seem right wing. And I routine- 
ly get accused of being both. 

PLAYBOY: More often than not, the accusa- 
tion is that you're left wing. 

BARRY: Yeah, well, 1 spend a lot of time а 
tacking Republican Presidents, but that’s 
just because the Democrats аге so pro- 
foundly incompetent that we never have a 
Democratic President. Га cheerfully at- 
tack Democrats if they had any talent. 
PLAYBOY: Then if you attack George В 
it's because he is in the White House? 
BARRY: Also, he's kind of a dork; lets face 
it. Nothing personal. I love the guy, I've got 
all his albums, but he is kind of a dork 


PLAYBOY: Do you really think of yourself as 
apolitical? 

BARRY: If anything, I'm an anarchist. Not 
the sense of running around, throwing 


bombs at politicians, which is sort of what 
everybody's perception of anarchy is. I just 
have a very strong antigovernment bias. A 
lot of it comes from journalism. Once you 
see government bodies operate up close, 
you begin to realize that no one connected 
is any better than you are, so 
in to wonder why they're in charge 
life. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you follow politics. 

BARRY: Yes, but I don't—and this is seri 

ous—I don't acknowledge that the Gov- 
rnment has a id moral function in 
people's lives. And 1 don't vote. That's not 
because I'm lazy but because I feel that the 
ess is a fraud, having witnessed up 
close and in person the way candidates are 
chosen in this country. Not voting is a way 
of saying something, and eventually, may. 
be people will recognize it as that kind of 
statement. 

PLAYBOY: How would you reform the sys- 
tem? 


BARRY: ГА stage the entire election as what 
really is, a television show. Do it just like 
the Miss America Pageant. Have the can- 
didates go around wearing sashes and 
stuff. We could use an applause meter 10 
pick the winner, or maybe do it by phone. 
PLAYBOY: With a nine-hundred number? 
BARRY: Yeah. So you'd have to really care— 
you'd have to spend fifty cents to vote. It 
would be like calling a nine-hundred num- 
ber to vote on whether you approve of 
Oprah's weight loss. I mean, what kind of 
moron would call up about Oprah Win- 
frey's weight loss? Why dont they just hook 
those lines up to a generator and jolt every- 
one who calls with sixty thousand volts? 
Then we'd be on our way to beating the 
Japanese. 

PLAYBOY: I gather you don't care about 
Oprah's weight. 

BARRY: I care deeply. The problem is. when 
Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't 
get any smaller. And so she looks kind of 
like a person carrying a balloon. 

PLAYBOY: Are you worried about America's 
place in the world? 

BARRY: No, I think it will stay right where it 
» between the Atlantic and the Pacific. 
But imported foreign humor, thats be- 
coming a big problem. The Japanese are 
sending over these great jokes that really 
work, 

PLAYBOY: Who are your favorite humorisis? 
BARRY: Roy Blount Jr. I think he's a really 
wonderful writer. Calvin Trillin. I think 
he’s very funny. P. |. O'Rourke. PJ. buys me 
bcer, so I have to say Llike him, P. G. Wode- 
house I always liked a lot. Walt Kelly— 
Pogo. | liked Woody Allen when he wrote, 
which I don't think he does anymore. 
PLAYBOY: He still writes screenplay: 
BARRY: Yeah, he became Ingmar Bergman. 
1 wish he would go back to doing yuks. 
Steve Martin, too. liked him when he had 
the arrow through his head. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think certain groups of 
people are funnier than others? 

BARRY: Well, Im a WASP, but I don't think 
WASPS are funny. In this country, anyway, 
its the persecuted minorities who are fun- 
ny, as opposed to your serious powel 
ture-type individuals. 

PLAYBOY: Are you the funniest WASP in 
America? 

BARRY: No, that would be Martin Mull. Im 
probably the funniest son of a Р! 
а ter in America 1 know of li 
the Miami area right now. 
PLAYBOY: Speaking of which, what was 
like being born to a Presbyterian minister? 
BARRY: Smooth transition, Playboy. Is this 
where we start talking about my life? 
PLAYBOY: You got it 

BARRY: Well, I would have preferred being 
born to someone in the Donald Trump cat- 
egory of income. As my mother used to зау, 
“It's better to be rich and happy than poor 
and sick.” Those are words Гуе learned to 
live by. 

PLAYBOY: So it wasn't fun being born to a 
preacher? 


ing in 


BARRY: It worked out all right. Though, as 
a child, 1 had to constantly overcome the 
threat that people would think I was а 
good person. 
PLAYBOY: People thought you were a goody- 
goody? 
BARRY: Yeah, well, they assumed that I 
would be. And so I was a wiseass instead. I 
couldnt resist making a joke. People would 
tell me that if 1 didn't eventually settle 
down, 1 wouldnt get anywhere in life. 
[Laughs] Where are they now? They're 
nothing. And Гуе got my own scum pond 
PLAYBOY: Where do you think your sense of 
humor came from? 
BARRY: My mother was an incredibly funny 
woman, though I didn't realize it until I 
was already grown up and started noticing 
that other peoples mothers were, by com- 
parison, extremely normal. She lived a 
kind of depressing life, though. She grew 
up in Nebraska during the Depression. She 
was born, literally, in a sod hut, and I think 
that made life permanently hard for her. 
But she took absolutely nothing seriously. 
When we went swimming, she'd yell, in 
this perfect June Cleaver voice, “Don't 
drow-w-wn,” and we'd go, “We won't.” 
‘That was our way of relating to each other. 
1 could always make her laugh and she 
could always make me laugh. 
PLAYBOY: Did she make other people laugh 
as well? 
BARRY: Yeah. I remember when we'd go in- 
10 the deli near our house, the guy behind 
the counter would say, “How are you do- 
ing, Marian?” and my mother would say, 
“Just shitty, Bob,” and I would be really 
proud of her. She knew that it was inappro- 
priate, but she also knew that it. was funny. 
PLAYBOY: Did she live long enough to see 
you make a career of being funny? 
BARRY: Yes, she did, and I think there wasa 
certain amount of jealousy on her part, be- 
cause we had essentially the same sense of 
humor. She wrote letters that read а lot like 
my columns, 
PLAYBOY: It seems her humor was an al- 
tempt to deal with her depression. Could 
that be true in your case, too? 
BARRY: That's a probing question. РИ just 
pick my nose while I think about it. 1 don't 
know. No, I don't think I have the kind of 
pain that she had. For most of her life, she 
was а clinically depressed person who 
needed pills just to get out of bed and face 
the day I have never felt any real need to 
do that, and I don’t think 1 have that ex- 
treme edge to my humor that my mother 
did. My father was also funny but in a 
much more conventional, upbeat, happy 
kind of way—a congenitally happy, posi- 
tive person. I'm not sure it always blends 
genetically like that, but I basically came 
out perfect. Also, extremely handsome. 
PLAYBOY: What was your father like? 
BARRY: Well, he wasn't a typical min 
He ran a program for inner-city kids. He 
(continued on page 76) 


seadrams 


WO. 


ORDER GOLD IN BARS 


e AC MANS GUIDE Т0 
Heaving-Bosom 


WOMEN'S FICTION 


She may sleep with you, but thes гл what she dreams about 


OMEN TALK ABOUTTHEN at parties. The conversation is punctuated by giggles, blushes and descriptive hand move- 


ments and is terminated the instant a man comes within earshot. The subject is books. Trashy books, Romance 
novels. The paperbacks that are advertised on the sides of public-transportation vehicles. Books whose covers are 
emblazoned with bas-relief gold calligraphy or feature a buxom, disheveled heroine draped across her bare-chested mate. 
Romance novels represent megabucks for the book industry. They make up 40 percent of all mass-market paperback 
titles, which are estimated to be а one-billion-dollar-a-year business. Danielle Steel, dubbed America’s number-one best 
seller, boasts more than 130,000,000 copies of her novels in print. When she gets knocked off a best-seller list, it’s often by 
the likes of Judith Krantz, Kathleen E. Woodiwiss, Johanna Lindsey or Jackie Collins. Collins has written 12 novels pub- 


lished in 30 languages, with sales of 


100,000,000 copies world-wide. N es К 

Someones obviously reading these Publishers es reports that 40 percent of all mass-market 

а А А paperbacks published today are romance novels. &. Oi December 
books and she's probably someone you SR 1984, the $8.85 trade edition of Kathleen E. Weodiwiss’ Come | 

ы аш hewa si ~~ Love Stranger was number one on the New York Times paperback 
know. And that affects the way she sees i bestseller list, outselling the far cheaper mass-market editions of 7 


Poland, by James А. Michener, | Pel Sematery, by. Stephen King, 


you. Trash fiction is about fantasy By А and Dune, by Frank Herbert. “8 According. to Kathryn Falk, pub- 


a З = Е е lisher of Romantic Times magazine, there ate.rom 100 to 120 ro- 
the time we reach the happy ending on mance novels published each month. 9 Notincluding Harlequin; 
Р - “which is based'in Canada and cranks out 60 titles a month, almost 
page 472, our lubricious Cinderella gets 2.99 “a third of all mass-market paperback fi books published in the 
" U.S. in 1988 were romances. & Danielle Steel has written 25 nov- 
the prince and the pulsating reader gets “eis that have been translated into’ 19 languages and sold in 42 
- countries. More-than 130.000.000 copies of her books have been 

a vicarious boy friend. sold around the world. Each of Steel's past ten-books has been- 
е number one onthe.New York Times best-seller list, and the Guin- 
Since the genre is aswim with im- , ness Book of World Records reports that for 381 consecutive 
1..." weeks, Steel had at least one book on the ‚Times hardcover or 

portant nuance, we provide here some a Paperback list. ® Jackie Collins has written 12 best-selling nov- , 


els that have been published in 30 languages, with sales of | 
+ 100,000,000.copies world-wide. e Judith Krantz has published В 
- only five novels, buts each one has been made into a network mini- 

series: Her books have sold 1,650,000 in hardcover and more than: * 
uL y © ¿20,000,000 їп paperback. @ “И more men were Willing to:read 
think of the sexual act. We will take you 9. “romances,” says Vivien Lee Jennings, ‘the president of a bookstore 
~ chain, “we'd have a lot fewer «people: in the self-help section.” Ч 


exegeses of the texts. You will read 


examples of how women would like to 


on a tour of what a woman who's addict- 43 


ed to Jackie Collins novels might packin S 


her bag—to your place. We will take you 


through a disrobing drill. In our chart, “Our Bodies, Our Shelves” (see page 178), we describe the myriad variations on the 
basic theme of girl gets guy and they fall down and make the human pretzel. 

Remember that there's more to the world of trash than the stereotypical bodice ripper. Your friend may like her 
erotica served up in a contemporary setting, à la Judith Krantz and Jackie Collins. Or she may prefer the wholesome, 
all-American frontierswomen of LaVyrle Spencer's historical novels. Or the verbal foreplay and double-entendres 
of Regency romances. 

What she'll like most of all is your uncanny ability to read her mind and between the lines, to know instinctively her 


sensitive spots, to conclude an evening with satisfaction and sweet dreams. After all, that’s what happy endings are about. 


ILLUSTRATION BY МАХ GINSBURG 


73 


74 


TERMS OF IMPALEMENT 


how womens fiction views the wild thi 


“Why don’t you stop the horse?” 

“And waste time spreading a blanket? Га have to take my hands 
ff you to do that, and 1 don't think I can. . . . You rode my fingers to 
the rhythm of my horse. I want you riding me to the same rhythm.” 

She was lifiing her leg over the horses neck before he'd even 
finished talking, . . . There was a brief problem with her skirt, but by 
the time she'd solved it, he was also ready, and before she even 


thought to wonder how they were going to do this, he lifted her, im- 
paled her, and then dug his heels into his mount. With a gasp, all 
Jocelyn could do was hold on. 


— Йоп Savage Thunder, by Johanna Lindsey 
= 


e 

He rose. She reached. He poised. She placed. He pressed. She 
parted. He sank. She surrounded. 

To the uncountable and ceaseless rhythms of the universe, they 
added one more. 

Her body opened like an oyster shell, and his silken strokes sought 
and grazed the pearl within, that precious jewel of sensuality whose 
arousal unleashed some magical force that fired Lauras limbs. She 
met each thrust with one of equal might, and together they reached 
for the reward they had earned with the long winter of solitude. 

They were buoyed by love but powered by a lust as rich and de- 
manding as their hale bodies deserved. Laura’ teeth were bared as 
Rye drove into her with a puissance that soon set off the first pulsa- 
tions deep within. 

— from Twice Loved, by VaVyrle Spencer 
€ 

While his lips pressed hot kisses to her belly and thighs, well below 
the shift that was now wrapped around her waist, he stroked ihe 
triangle of mahogany curls at their joining with skillful fingers. 
Soon she'd have her wish. 

But first he had to ease the way for it, and with this thought in 


THE JACKIE COLLINS 
OVERNIGHT BAG 


No self-respecting admirer of Hollywood Wives sim- 
ply throws a fresh pair of underpants into her purse 
when she sallies forth to conquer some portion of the 
world. She takes Chances, after all, and most of her con- 
scious mind crammed into her leather-bound thought 
bible—the professional Filofax (1). In addition to her 
appointment calendar, addresses, financial tracking in- 
formation, jammed in there are her passport, airline- 
ticket stubs, her favorite reading material (Barrons and 
W) and everything else that'll fit. The oversized multi- 
purpose plain white cotton 1 never out of 
place—especially someplace that: y; hence the 
fabulously expensive Chanel bronzing lotion (3). Only a 
tortoise-shell toothbrush and case (4) is fitting, as are an 
air of Levi's 
ilk camisole and тар pants (6), 
iran monster shades (7), simple gold hoop car- 
gs (8), а Walkman loaded with Otis Redding tapes 
(9) and a s ngly curious pair of cowboy boots (10), 
and this ИГИ get Lucky, 


impossibly slim-hipped and long-legged 
501 jeans (5). Add a s 
Doi 


e 
o 

mind, he grazed the swelling bud that throbbed above her nether 

opening . .. With infinite care, he ran a finger downward from the 


bud he'd been stoking, feeling with increased pleasure how slippery 
she'd grown. Then, ever so geutly, he slid И into the aperture. 

A rush of sucked-in breath met his ears, followed by а sound that 
was half plea, half sob. 

And then she felt his mouth join hers in a kiss that was unbeliev 
ably sweet, sucking the honey from her core, devastating her with its 
phant care. His fingers stroked a final heated caress before leaving 
her lower body to come again to her aching breasts. These he teased 
with masterful strokes before sweeping both hands to her waist, and 
then her hips, positioning her for his possession. .. . 

But Brittany felt he must be trying to drive her mad with this 
slowness, and suddenly she knew she couldn't wait a moment longer. 
With a sudden instinctive thrust of her hips, she met his probing 
manhood, felt it begin to enter and pushed it home. 

—from Promise of Fire, by Veronica Sattler 
v 

Dimitri. pressed through the falling water and crushed. her 
against the rough side. With one hand, he tore the bottom of her 
bikini off and thrust himself upon her 

“You sneaky son of а bitch,” she objected, half jokingly, as they 
began to sink beneath the cool green water. 

He didnt relinquish his hold, merely gripped her tighily, his 
thighs like steel as they rocked together beneath the water When they 
surfaced, she was gasping for air, but her legs were wrapped tightly 
around his waist and her face was flushed with pleasure. Silentty 
they finished . . . exploding with satisfaction at the same moment. 
lime for lunch,” he said. 

Food. You certainly believe in 


Dimitri let go of her. "I think it’s 
Lucky exclaimed. 
calering to your appetites.” 


“Jesus! 


—from Lucky, by Jackie Collins 


> 


BRONZAGE 
PROGRESSIF 


Em 


HOW TO RIP A BODICE 
n : 


1 3 


AN ESSENTIAL SKILL Of any hero in women’s fiction is the ability 10 disrobe her skillfully and quickly. Here is a description from 
Promise of Fire, by Veronica Sattler, that explains how it’s done. (1) “Suddenly, he reached out and grabbed hold of the front of her 
shirt as well as the shift she wore beneath it and, (2) with a violent motion, yanked downward. There was a tearing noise, and then 
the sound of Brittany's disbelieving intake of breath as her breasts spilled free, (3) their pale fullness and darker, coral peaks 
ly evident in the generous light coming from a nearby candelabra.” 


PLAYBOY 


DAVE BARRY к fiom page 70) 


“The summer after fifth grade, the girls went away 


to summer bosom camp and came back with tits. 


» 


commuted to work on the train, played 
cards and drank. He was an alcoholic—a 
recovering alcoholic, very involved in 
A.A.— when he died. 

PLAYBOY: What were you like as a child? 
BARRY: A geek with a real high forehead. 
Real high. You could have rented out ad- 
vertising up there. In fact, there are cer- 
tain board games you could have played 
on my forehead, no problem. Basically, 
though, things were pretty much OK un- 
til the summer after the fifth grade. The 
girls all went away to summer bosom 
camp, and they all came back with tits. 
And then the guys started catching up. 
"The other guys. | kept waiting for puber- 
ty Lo strike. One by one, it would strike 
my friends, but not me. They were all 
turning into men and I was sull a little 
boy. I don't even think I've gone all the 
way through puberty yet. I still don't have 
any ha 


оп my arms, and I worry about 


that. 

PLAYBOY: Maybe you went to the wrong 
camp. 

BARRY: Maybe. But I clearly was not going 


to be the kid people liked because he was 
scoring the winning touchdown, so in- 
stead, I became the class clown. I was the 
kid who had а sense of humor so people 
would like him. 

PLAYBOY: Were you a good student? 
BARRY: Well, I was terrible at histor 
could never sce the point of learning 
what people thought back when people 
were a lot stupider, ance, the ai 
-d that the sun 
was carried across the sky on Ше back of 
an enormous snake. So what? So they 


were idiots. 


id you get decent grades? 
I got good grades in high 
school and college. But I'm onc of those 
people who, without actually knowing 
anything, tend to do really well on tests. 
PLAYBOY: In other words, you were a big 
bullshitter? 

BARRY: Yeah, ycah, I think tl 
means. 

PLAYBOY: Did you I 


з wha 


па lot in school? 


BARRY: No, not really. I probably learned 
something; I just cant remember what, I 
read a lot of great works of literature, all 


of which were really boring. I never liked 
The Last of the Mohicans, от even The 
Scarlet Letter. There's a classic for you. 
My question is, How, exactly, did those 
books become big? | mean, they didn't 
have book tours then, did they? What 


talk shows did James Fenimore Cooper 
do? Huh? 


PLAYBOY: Were there any books you 
liked? 

BARRY: No, I was always sort of struck by 
how unrelentingly boring all the 
was. And back then, you weren't permit- 
ted to read good books like Catcher in the 
Rye, which today is probably mandatory 
reading in the second grade. 

PLAYBOY: You һай no idea you were going. 
10 be a writer? 

BARRY: No. I did like to write, though. I 
liked the part of English dass where you 
wrote essays, the part all the other kids 
ed. Е would try to write funny ones. 
Mine would always be singled out to be 
read, which was really embarrassing. My 
friends would punch me in the arm and 
make fun of me and stuff like that. 
PLAYBOY: So your teachers appreciated 
your sense of humor? 

BARRY: Yeah, some of them did. English 
teachers are pretty used to reading es 
that say, “A Tale of Tivo Cities was a v 
important book. The importance of A 
Tale of Two Cities cannot be overestimat- 
ed, in my opinion. The reason 1 feel that 
way, that A Tale of Two Cities was an im- 
portant book, is that I felt there was a 
tremendous amount of importance to 
what the author was saying in the book A 


Tale of Tivo Cities, by Charles Dickens.” 1 
didn’t write like that. 

PLAYBOY: What did you write? 

BARRY: “A Tale of Two Cities is a real 


booger of a book.” 
Did you get dates in high 


BARRY: One. Her me was Heather 
Campbell, and she was a junior at Pleas- 
atville High School. I took her to the 
prom. We had a nice time, but then I had. 
the quintessential guy’s dilemma, which 
is, Now I have to marry her or else never 
see her again, You think you have to 
make some sort of huge commitment. I 
didn't want to marry her, so Г sort of ig- 
nored her for the rest of high school. 
e you an English major 


h. That's because I discovered 
Saat їкї тїй ДИЙ: 
t whatever a book was 
about, it was really about something else. 
1 did real well from then on, without ever 
ng too carefully: 
PLAYBOY: What was your main act 
college? 

BARRY: I smoked a lot of dope, protested 
the war and played in a succession of 
credibly bad rock bands. 

at was the worst band you 


BARRY: God, they were all pretty terrible. 
The worst one was probably the Guides, 
but wc might just as well have called 
ourselves White Gu We had 
real long hair and we sang the blues. The 
worst thing that had ever happened to us 
was when onc of us got a D in poli sci, 
and there we were, singing, "Our baby 
donc left us.” And about how we had our 
mojo working. 

PLAYBOY: What's a mojo? 

BARRY: I have no idea what a mojo is. We 
would sing, “I got my mojo working, but 
it just dont work on you,” whatever that 
means, Also, we would sing about "goin 
down to Louisiana to get a black head 
bone." Again, I have no idea what a he 
bone is, but I have a feeling tha 
cally something not related to suburban 
white culture. 

PLAYBOY: Did you protest the Vietnam 
war? 

BARRY: Yeah, I did. 1 marched and did all 
kinds of futile stuff, 

PLAYBOY: Not necessarily futile, was 
BARRY: Maybe not. I remember my fresh- 
man year, people were supposed to fast 
1o protest the war. I signed up to fast, but 
later, 1 couldn't imagine its having any 
impact. Like somebody's really going to 
burst into Lyndon Johnson's office and 
say, “Uh-oh, Mr. President, they're 
ing at Haverford College.” And he's go- 
ing to say, “Haverford? Well, Га better 
rethink my whole Indo-China policy.” 1 
mean, that kind of stuff was dumb. But 
the marches probably were not dumb. 1 
was at the big civil rights march of 1963 
and heard Martin Luther King give his 
“1 have a dream” speech 

PLAYBOY: Whom do you admire? 

BARRY: Well, back then, | liked Bobby 
Kennedy. I dont think politically Га be 
so crazy about him now. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

BARRY: I now realize that guys who come 
in and think they're really ter than 
‘body else and can change the world 
to make it Бецег almost always end up 
making it worse, and I think the 
Kennedys were like that. I chink I would 
admire people like that a lot more if they 
would come right out and admit that the 
real reason they wanted to be President 
was that they really wanted the plane. It 
nothing to do with your ci 
nt program to create jobs. It has ev- 
hing to do with Air Force One. I 


guess, basically, that has always been my 
problem with Government t They 
dont reve: motives, We're 


supposed to believe that there are ten 

thousand people in Washington who 

genuinely care about Why should 

they? We dont care about them. 

PLAYBOY: Can you think of any excep- 

tions? 

BARRY: George McGovern. He seemed 

а genuinely nice person who wanted 
(concluded on page 86) 


“Tve never had a telephone. What is telephone sex like?” 


77 


[ҮЙ DANGER 


WHEN PATRICK MAGAUD Walked into our offices in Chicago, he appeared to be a very sensible 
рр у 
38-year-old Frenchman. He wore clothes in that relaxed, suave sort of fashion French guys 


PATRICK MAGAUD have. His hair was close-cropped in that style we see so often in contemporary French 


movies. He spoke English in that charming way French people do before they have lunch 


CREATES PRIVATE and drink several glasses of French wine and start finding fault with everything American 


except our women. What was unusual about him, we learned, was his passion for cajoling 
MOMENTS IN women to parade about without their clothes while he photographed them in the midst of 
the world's going about its business. He likes to create a stir. On these and the following 


PUBLIC PLACES pages, you'll see just how great the great outdoors can be when seen through French eyes. 


At left is Kiki, whom Magaud met in the south of France when he was locking for someone who'd 
jet-ski nude. She hed such a good time that she told him, “1 liked very much to be nude, but | would like 
to be naked in front of many more people.” So they went to Paris, where this photo was taken on the 
Seine. He said, “Before making photos, she had never make-up, beautiful underweors or stiletto heels. 
She was completely transformed in a very sexy girl” Above, Zoe bicycles by the Cofé de Flore. 7g 


For Mogoud, a model must be not only beautiful but olso intelligent. “1 dort 
like to work with stupid girls,” he says. Among his selections: с lovely Filipino 
(left) who used to dance at the Crazy Horse Saloon, whom he persuaded 
to balloon over the Périgord region while he dangled from a rope har- 


ness attached to the top of the gasbag. Above left, Nothalie, dressed as а 
bronze sculpture, sips а drink in Montmortre and, obove right, distracts traffic 
in front of Fouquet's on the Chomps-Élysées. Below and at right, she is covort- 
ing with the funereal sculpture of Victor Noir at the Pére Lachoise Cemetery. 
Women who rub themselves ogoinst his groinal area become fertile, leg- 
end goes. “Nothalie was very excited doing this” Mogaud told us. “She 
was, how you say, wet, yes?” Yes, that's what we soy, but only if it’s true. 


‘Magoud met Morie Anne—seen here scaling c mountain in 
the French Alps—near Chamonix. He told us, “She is mad 
cf climbing; she hos а steel cable tight just behind the hotel 
her parents own, where she used to train every day, making 
push-ups with only one finger” Apparently, Marie Anne was 
пої а women prone to wearing fancy underthings. When 
‘Mogoud pointed out ta her that, from underneath, her climb- 
ing gear looked like с garter belt (see the shot above), she 
wos “very surprised.” At right, Marie Anne is getting her 
racks off, but in doing so тоу hove been stretching a good 
thing a little tao far. A few small stones were dislodged and 
fell, frightening а group of Italians. "When they looked 
up and sow Marie Anne, they exclaimed, ‘Mo, che Бейс!" 
1 от sure they climbed three times foster ot least.” 


Above and below, we see Véronique nude in an ultra-light flying machine, That's 
St-Trapez below her. Magaud said af this scene, "At the origine, she was ta 
ploy strip poker with the pilot. When I saw how crazy she was, | told her 
to do what she wanted. We flew down һе beaches. Thausands af people had 
faces raised to the sky.” At right are “twa exhibitionists in Paris.” Zoe, a busi- 
nessmarís daughter, "had never posed far glomour befare and she absolutely 
wanted to do something exciting.” Here she is in the Tuileries an a Ferris wheel 
with another naked girl—and you just car't get more exciting than that. 


PLAYBOY 


DAVE BARRY „л page 76) 


"[ look younger, way younger, than I actually am. 
When I was ten, I looked like a fetus.” 


10 be President for genuine ideological 
reasons, though I think he also probably 
wanted the plane. 
PLAYBOY: Where were you during the 
Vienan А 
BARRY: I was а conscientious objector. Му 
draft board assigned me to the Episcopal 
church. I was in the bookkeeping section. 
PLAYBOY: Bookkeeping? 
BARRY: The draft board had a list of jobs 
that were supposedly in the national in- 
terest, and that was what I did, I did 
bookkeeping for two years, mostly ap- 
proving expense accounts 
PLAYBOY: Has your career taken any oth- 
er strange turns? 
BARRY: In the Seventies, I taught effec- 
tive-writing seminars to business people. 
Га go around to a DuPont plant or a 
Union Carbide plant and they'd bring in 
a bunch of engineers or chemists or ac- 
countants or whatever, and I would teach 
them how to be effective writers. Or try, 
anyway. 
PLAYBOY: What did you learn? 
BARRY: | discovered that corporations 
that seem to be, from the outside, incred- 
ibly logical are not. There are tons of 
screw-ups, and the employees can't be- 
lieve their company makes any money 
because ofall the dorks they have to work 
with. That was very reassuring. Plus, 1 
had the time to write my humor columns. 
PLAYBOY: When the Herald syndicated 
your column, was it an overnight success? 
BARRY: It took a while to catch on. What 
we kept hearing from the other papers 
was, “All the reporters here read it, and 
we think it’s funny, but the readers aren't 
ready for it.” So I was a big underground 
success at the beginning. Then, gradual- 
ly, more and more papers started using 
me and found that although, yeah, some 
readers would write and be really an- 
noyed, generally, the public response was 
fairly positive. Minimal bomb threats, 
you know. More like torches at the castle 
gates. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of people complain 
to newspapers about your column? 
BARRY: Lets just say that when I used to 
answer the phone at my hometown pa- 
per, we could have reported that 
Lebanon was in Connecticut and we 
would not have heard from anyone. But 
when we left Capricorn out of the horo- 
scope, then, wow, did we get phone calls! 
[A banging on pipes is heard.) 
PLAYBOY: lt sounds as if the plumber's 
back. 
BARRY: Yeah. And he's probably going to 
announce that the only way to fix my toi- 


letis to wrap the entire length of the pipe 
in ten-dollar bills. And ГЇЇ go, “OK, well, 
if thats what we've got to do. . .. 
PLAYBOY: You were talking about your re- 
cent success. Has it gained you female 


fans? 

BARRY: Now that I'ma syndicated humor 
columnist, girls finally tell me I'm cute. 
But I'm still waiting for those naked pic- 
tures. I've checked my mail six times to- 
day. Nothing. 

PLAYBOY: What are your distinguishing 
cute characteristics? 

BARRY: The main thing is that I look 
younger, way younger, than I actually 
am. When we moved to Miami, I was 
forty years old, and I got carded in a piz- 
za place buying a beer. 
PLAYBOY: Have you 
younger than you are? 
BARRY: Yeah. When I was ten, I looked 
like a fetus. I think its one of the reasons 
I tend not to be taken seriously. 

PLAYBOY: You look young enough to do. 
one of those books in which the author 
poses as a teenager to find out what's go- 
ing on in American high schools. 

BARRY: I know what's going on in Ameri- 
can high schools. A lot of kids are sitting. 
around, going, "You know, like, you 
You know what 1 mean, like, you 
Another thing Гуе noticed about 
kids: When they talk, it always sounds. 
like they're asking a question, even when 
they're not. They talk like this: "So 1 was 
going downtown? And 1 was driving ту 
brothers car? And all of a sudden, it 
stopped? And it didnt have any gas?" 
That's how they talk. 

PLAYBOY: And it's humor like that that en- 
ables you to live here in the lap of luxury. 
BMW, platinum American Express card. 

You do have a platinum card, don't you? 

BARRY: No, just a matched set of platinum 
y gs. I wish 
that once a American Express 
would send me a check equal to the cost 
of the brochures it sends me trying to get 
[Lean- 
ing into microphone] You American Ex- 
press executives, I know that, basically, 
all you do is sit in your oflices all day and 
read Playboy. And I want you to know, 
I'm never going to own a gold card and 
I'm never going to own a platinum card. 
You can stop getting in touch with me. 
Thank you. 

PLAYBOY: So you're nota Yuppie? 

BARRY: Nah. In the mornings, I'm out 
there in my van on the freeway, singing 
Twist and Shout. Everyone else is on the 
phone, making, like, a hundred thou- 


always looked 


sand dollars on the way to work. 
PLAYBOY: Who handles the money in your 
family? 
BARRY: I do, but not all that well. I mean, 
the worst thing you can do is put your 
money into a passbook savings account, 
so that's what I do. I'm sure the minute I 
leave the bank, they take my money out 
of my account, on which they pay me, 
like, two percent, plus the free toaster, 
and they put the money into а convertible 
bond of debenture, which makes them 
like a hundred and twenty-seven percent. 
So I finally opened an account with an 
investment firm. I give them all my mon- 
ey ага they send me totally incompre- 
hensible statements every month, and 
now I have my own convertible bond of 
debenture, 
PLAYBOY: What's that? 
BARRY: I have no idea. 
PLAYBOY: Would you like to know? 
BARRY: Yeah, but I dont need to. My ac- 
count is with a large, reputable firm rep- 
resented by a bull—a giant dumb animal 
that shits all over the place—so I have 
confidence. 
PLAYBOY: Most days, do vou go to your 
office at The Miami Herald? 
BARRY: Yeah, because I get a lot of mail 
there, and it would be hard to answer 
letters without going into the office. Pd 
have to guess what they wrote, or send 
answers to random people. 
PLAYBOY: How much mail do you answer? 
BARRY: | guess about a hundred, a hun- 
dred and fifty pieces a week. But most of 
105 easy to answer. I usually just write 
something like, “Thanks a lot, and same 
to you, buster.” 
PLAYBOY: Do you get lots of weird mail? 
BARRY: Dumb mail, yeah. I wrote a 
column not too long ago proposing the 
death penalty for anybody who burns the 
flag, and I got mail from people who 
agreed with me. “It’s about time some- 
body in journalism stood up and spoke 
for the real Americans.” That sort of 
thing. They took it seriously, even though 
I wrote that one of the founding fathers 
who would agree with my position was 
Thomas Edison. There were clues the ге- 
ally sharp reader might have picked up 
that I was not actually being serious. 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever worry that you'll 
stop being funny? 
BARRY: Well, a couple of months ago, I 
was with my family on vacation, and 
І was trying to write a column. And I 
couldn't write it and I was telling every- 
body, "I'm not funny anymore; I’m just 
not funny.” Butthen I said to myself, Hey, 
I'm a professional, I can do this, so I real- 
ly concentrated on it and I finished the 
column. 
PLAYBOY: And? 
BARRY: And it sucked. I'm gonna be a 
plumber, 

Ej 


88 


midsummer 


DAYDREAM 


it was a new experience for dortmun- 
der, being wrongly accused. somehow, 
he had to get to the bottom of this 


TT HAVING BECOME advisable to leave New York City for an 
indefinite period, Dortmunder and Kelp found them- 
selves in the countryside, in a barn, watching a lot of 
fairies dance. “I don't know about this,” Dortmunder 
muttered 

“It's perfect cover,” Kelp whispered. “Who'd look for 
us here?” 

"I wouldn't, that’s for sure.” 

The fairies all skipped off stage and some other pco- 
ple came on and went off, and then the audience stood 
up. “That's it?” Dortmunder asked. “We can go now?” 

“First half,” Kelp told him. 

First half. Near the end of the first half, one of the 
players in bib overalls had gone out and come back 
in with a donkeys head on, which about summed 
up Dortmunder’s attitude toward the whole thing. 
Oh, well; when in Rome, do as the Romans, and 
when in West Urbino, New York, go to the Saturday- 
afternoon summer theater. Why not? But he wouldn't 
come back Sunday, 

Outside, the audience stood around in the sunshine 
and talked about everything except A Midsummer 
Nights Dream. The women discussed other women’s 
clothing and the men brought one another up to date on 
sports and the prices of automobiles, all except Kelp's 
cousin, a stout man named Jesse Bohker, who smelled of 
fertilizer because that’s what he sold for a living, and 
who talked about the size of the audience because he was 
the chief investor in this barn converted to an extremely 
barnlike summer theater, (continued on page 136) 


fiction 


by DONALD E WESTLAKE 


PAINTING BY PAT ANDREA 


90 


EASY 


laid-back looks for the warm months ahead 
fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


ICTURE A LOOSE-FITTING floral-print Hawaiian-style shirt tucked beneath 
a drapey sports jacket and worn with a pair of soft-pleated trousers. 
Dress any more laid back, buddy, and you'd probably fall over, but 
thats the fashion look for spring. Casual is the command. Whether 

youre in long-pleated linen walk shorts or an easy-styled blouson jacket, 

the light and airy fabrics add to the relaxed fit of the season's hottest 
fashions. The easygoing fellow at left wears a viscose/wool-knit cardigan, 
by Shamask, $310; long-sleeved linen sport shirt, by Andrew Fezza, $150; 
khaki double-pleated cotton walk shorts, by Lazo, $140; and sunglasses, 
by Persol, $175. (Her shirt by Nicole Farhi, pants by Go Silk.) Right: More 
fashion fun in the sun, including a floral-print shirt, by Andrew Fezza, 
$180; pleated rayon/linen walk shorts, by Sans Tembours Ni Trompettes. 
$150; Island sports watch, from Paul Smith, $235; and tortoise/wire-rim 
sunglasses, by Sanford Hutton for Colors in Optics, $80. (Her top and 
sweater by Go Silk, shorts from Basco Collection by Lance Karesh.) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BETH BISCHOFF 


Below: Аз an alternative to your tried-and-true blues, go for а pair of nat- 
ural-colored cotton-denim jeans, by Calvin Klein Sport for Men, S52 
teamed with a hooded cotton jacket with leather trim, by Charles Chevi- 
gnon, $420; and an easygoing cotton-jersey polo shirt, by Sans Tambours 
Ni Trompettes, $50. Right: Our guy is looking very cool for May in a vis- 
cose/nylon Blouson jacket, S800, worn with a cotton Jacquard-ground 
sport shirt, S260, and box-pleated trousers, $275, ай by Luciano Soprani; 
plus а woven-leather belt, by Trafalgar, $45; and tortoise-frame sunglass- 
es, by Persol, S225. (Her top by Shamask, skirt by Charles Chevignon, belt 
by Johnny Farah at Showroom Seven, earrings by Victoria Ann Varga.) 


Below: Нез coming оп fashionably cool down beside the she side in a 
zip-front cotton baseball jacket with knit collar and button side tabs, by 
Reporter, $650; linen double-pleated walk shorts with a Hollywood 
waistband and besom side pockets, $185, and mustard/gray viscose print 
short-sleeved shirt, $185, both by Lazo; and green-faced Island sports 
watch, from Paul Smith, $235. (Her outfit by Shamask.) Right: The pause 
that refreshes, and this guy's nicely bending to the task in a single-breast- 
ed washed-silk-gabardine sports coat, from Basco by Lance Karesh, 
$335; rayon/linen pants, by Sans Tambours Ni Trompettes, $195; and 
rayon tropical-print shirt, by a.bs MEN, $160. (Her dress by Shamask.} 


PLAYBOY MUSIC 


kiss the 


sharps and flats from the decade 


Who dominated music in 
the Eighties? One-named 
performers: Madonna. Bono. 
Sting and Prince. Tracy 
Chapman led the way hack to 

folk, CD players led the way for- 
ward in technology and Paula Ab- 
dul taught us the new dance steps. 


Eighties were defined by two 
Michaels: this one is known as 

Mick. He made new: 
ing solo, not getting 
and having more babies. When he 
and Keith reconciled, the Stones’ 
North American tour blew out 
1989 with the highest grosses of the 
year. Yes, time was on their side. 


BLASTNOST 


US.S.R. head-banger wanna-bes 
got their just desertsat the Moscow 
Music Peace Festival, with Bon Jovi, 
Ozzy Osbourne and Skid Row. 


TECHNOTALK 


What we изе to listen to music to- 
day is different from what it was ten 
years ago. Been to a record store 
lately? Vinyl 45s and LPs are near 
ing extinction. Prerecorded cassettes, 
long snubbed by audiophiles. have 
found new life, thanks to personal 
stereos and boom boxes—they now 
sound betler, too. Compact discs are 
inspiring people lo buy their favorite 
music again and turn it up. 


eighties goodbye 


PAY TV 


Ног Fun in the Summer: August 
1981 was the birthday of MTV. 
Thus was born the video decade. 


Believe in Yesterday: The Beat- 
les were silenced December 8, 
1980. when John Lennon died 


Warning—This Music May Be 
Dangerous: Parents’ Music Re- 
source Center, headed by political 
wives, pushed for albums to carry 
warning labels and lyric sheets so 
that parents could monitor rock. 


Motown Lives: On Moloun 25. 
Yesterday, Today. Forever. ТУ 
brought Michael's moon walk into 
the home. Fred Astaire was wowed. 


Papa's Got a Brand-New Bag: 
In December 1988. James Brown 
was sent to jail for failure to stop 
for the police and aggravated as- 
saul. He's still there, doing time. 


GODFATHER OF SOUL 


AD ROCK 


When Bette Midler refused to let 
Ford use Do You Want to Dance? in 
an ad, they hired a sound-alike 
and used it anyway. She sued and 
won. Now other rockers are trying 
to protect themselves. This turn of 
events is no skin off the Raisins 


TINA'S TURN 


Private Dancer: The lady whose 
spectacular voice, pistol-hot looks 
and sexy legs wowed us in the Six- 
ties came back full force. Lucky us 


PEDAL TO THE METAL 


Heavy metal hit the pop charts big time. Van Halen was 
the carly Eighties’ success story, pioneering guitar tech- 
niques destined to be copied by most of the young bands 
making big noises. The biggest and baddest of all is Guns 
n Roses; they're crass, say "fuck" on live TV and sell 
millions of records. Other bands with names to frighten 
parents: Mötley Crüe, Skid Row, Warrant and Poison. 


COOL AID 


The Decade of Aid: The Eighties 
were a lime of renewed social con- 
sciousness for rock-and-rollers. From 
Live Aid to Band. Aid to Farm Aid, 
benefit concerts were a way perform- 
ers from U2 lo Stevie Wonder to 
Willie Nelson could give something 
back. We salute all the famous voices 
that inspired. the spirit of giving— 
and a special bow to the man who 
pulled it all together, Bob Geldof 


This Моге for You: А high five 
to Neil Young for his refusal to be 
seduced by corporate pockets. 
These days. beer and credit cards 
like to rock along with the fans. 


RAP AND ROLL 


The Name Game: Theres Run- 
DMC, М.С. Hammer, Tone-Làc. 
Ice T, Queen Latifah and the 
Beastie Boys, Rap is the voice of 
urban America. Drugs, sex, 
violence, hanging out and 
hanging in are being taught 
to cily kids by the professors 
of hip-hop, Public Enemy says 
fight the power. Kool Moe Dee 
says knowledge is king. 


Gimme Some of That 
White Soul Music: From 
Hall & Oates to George 
Michael to New Kids on 

the Block. white musi- 
cians crossed over 
to the black-music 

chars. The New 
Kids concert 
in 1989 er 

$23,900,000. 

John sang 

Aretha. Mick Hucknall 

could be a Temptation. White 
soul is hangin’ tough 


DANCING DIRTY 


The first dirty dance of the decade 
was 19835 Flashdance. Jennifer 
Beals posters were the pinnacle 
until 1987 when Patrick Swavze 
pulled Jennifer Grey into his arms. 


The Man in the Mirror: The 
decades other Michael did it all in 
the Eighties and held our attention 
with one gloved hand. Thriller was 
released in 1982 and be- 

came the best-selling 
LP ever. After the 
1983 video, every 
tour, TV 
ance, dance 
fashion acces- 
sory and di- 
etary habit 
was obsessive- 
ly examined 
by press and 
fans alike. 


It's only 
rock and 


roll. but 
we still 
like it 


(9 90 
TOP PERFORMERS 


^ lay 4 oy music p oll winners 


ROLLING STONES ALABAMA 
Group / Rock Group / Country 
FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS AL JARREAU 
Group / R&B Male Vocalist / Jazz 
JEFF HEALY REBA McENTIRE 


Instrumentalist / Rock Female Vocalist / Country 


ANITA BAKER RANDY TRAVIS SPYRO GYRA 


Female Vocalist / R&B Male Vocalist / Country Group / Jazz 
PAULA ABDUL JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP 
Female Vocalist / Rock Male Vocalist / Rock 

BOBBY BROWN SADE KENNY G 


Male Vocalist / R&B Female Vocalist / Jazz Instrumentalist / Jazz 


100 


{990 


POLL RESULIS 


our readers vote for their favorites 


MOVIE SOUND 
TRACK 


Batman 


Holy Fat City Batman! Batmania, 
which reached a frenzy in the summer 
of 1989, is expected to haul in two bil- 
lion dollars in movie, video, licensing, 
souvenirs, TV and sound-track rev- 
enues. The album, our readers’ top 


pick, was composed, arranged, pro- 
duced and performed by Prince. Bat- 
man went double platinum on the 
charts by the end of 1989, confirming 
again the range and versatility of the 
Purple One. How versatile? Prince 
came out of the bat cave with a lot more 
than a terrific LP and a couple of music 
videos. He did the Batdance with Vicki 
Vale (a.k.a. Kim Basinger) for a while. 


ALBUMS of the YEAR 


Rock 


STEEL WHEELS 
Rolling Stones 


Jazz 


POINT OFVIEW 
Spyro Суга 


RER 


THERAWAND 
THECOOKED 
Fine Young Cannibals 


Country 


SOUTHERNSTAR 
Alabama 


MUSICVIDEO 


STRAIGHT UP 
Paula Abdul 


CONCERT g/ the YEAR 


STEELWHEELS TOUR 
Rolling Stones 


Just consider these numbers for a sec- 
ond: The Steel Wheels Tour accounted 
for about one tenth of every dollar 
spent on concert admissions in 1989 
The Stones’ gross ticket sales for the 
North American leg of their tour was a 
whopping $98,000,000. That doesn't 
include sales from the souvenir stands 
or cable-concert revenues. People can 
talk about that golden-oldies stuff all 
they want, but Mick, Keith, Charlie, 
Ronnie and Bill pulled it off. Way to go! 


VEEJAY 
МТУ» 


“Downtown” Julie Brown 


HALL pf FAME 


ROY ORBISON 


He had a high, quavering tenor voice, dark sunglasses, a slicked-back pompadour 
and he dressed in black. From his early classic hits in the Sixties—Only the Lonely, 
Crying and Oh, Pretty Woman—to 1989% Mystery Girl, Roy “The Voice” Orbison 
was a prominent influence in rock and country music. Following the deaths of his 
wife and two sons in tragic accidents, Orbison went for more than ten years 
without a new recording. But the Eighties were his decade—again. He returned 
to reclaim his success—in his collaboration with the Traveling Wilburys and 
оп his own, We mourn his untimely death in 1988 and pay tribute to a legend. 


The YEAR гг MUSIC 


the pats, the slaps and the jabs, as we hit the rewind on 1989 


The Old Gray Mares Are What They 
Used to Be: Some called it the Year of 
the Geezer: we prefer the more dig- 
nified Rock of Ages. Nineteen cighty- 
nine gave fans a chance to get a look at 
the Rolling Stones, the Who, the All- 
man Brothers, Jefferson Airplane, 
Ten Years After, Раш and Ringo 
(separately) and George, who played 
guitar on the Traveling Wilburys 
video, which also included Roy Or- 
bison and Bob Dylan. And guess 
what? The Stones and the Who 
dominated the summer in top- 
grossing tours. 


What flopped in 1989? Al- 
bums by Cyndi Lauper, Tin 
Machine with David Bowie, 
Simple Minds and Olivia New- 
ton-John. Sophomore slump 
attacked LPs Бу Terence 
Trent D’Arby and Charlie 
Sexton. Even getting the 
Killer to sing his own songs 
for the movie Great Balls of 
Fire! couldn't save it. 


The laugh of the ycar is on 
those folks who thought the 
B-52’s would be forever stuck in 
Yoko Ono's remainder bins. They got 
Nile Rodgers and Don Was and Lowe 
Shack; now they're fit for mainstream 
consumption. 


Comebacks of 1989: Donna Summer 
scored a top-ten tune, Alice Cooper 
hit pay dirt after a hitless decade and 
the Doobie Brothers, Donny Os- 
mond, Boy George, Dion, Poco, the 
Wailers, Rickie Lee Jones and Tears 
for Fears showed up to party again. 


New Faces on the Block: Milli Vanilli, 
Lenny Kravitz, Daniel Lanois, Skid 
Row, Roxette, Clint Black, Neneh 
Cherry, De La Soul, Living Colour, 
Cowboy Junkies, Harry Connick, 
Js, and Soul II Soul are some names 
to watch for on next year's lists. 


A tip of our baseball cap to the women 
of 1989: Bonnie Raitt, Paula Ab- 
dul, Melissa Etheridge, Michelle 
Shocked, Tracy Chapman, Janet 
Jackson, Gloria Estefan, Natalie 
Merchant and Edie Brickell. These 


аге not 
just chick 
singers front- 
ing the band. 


Our Way to Go Award to Madonna for 
taking the moncy and running and 
leaving Pepsi holding the can. 


On the technical front, "sampling" was 
a big issue. How much can and should 
onc artist take from another without 
paying or giving credit? This is espe- 
cially common in rap. 


The cassette single has become the 45 
of the year. Now you can buy We Didn't 
Start the Fire and forget the ballads. 


Nineteen eighty-nine was the year baby 
boomers faced some facts: playing air 
guitar wasn't going to get them an audi- 
the Coral Reefer Band. 


tion to play 


А vacuum always gets filled and Rock 
and Roll Fantasy Camp debuted in San 
Francisco. For some real Yuppie bucks 
and a little real talent, your rock 
dreams could be more than a wish 


It wasnt all flash іп 1989; there was 

trash, too. Racism, anti-Semitism and 

homophobia reared their heads in 
controversics that touched Public 

Enemy and Guns n’ Roses and 

clouded the We Are the World 

image of music as a force 
for progressive ideas. 


Nineteen eighty-nine wasnt 
just the year in which you 

could use your credit card to 
buy boxed sets of the complete 
oeuvre of an artists work remixed; 
you could also use your card to pick 
up a leather Steel Wheels jacket at the 
Stones concert souvenir stand. The biz 
of show. 


The way we look at it, there was some- 
thing for everyone in 1989, from the 
dance divas to the metalheads to the 
boomers and the consumers. Hail, hail, 
tock and roll! 


QUOTES of the YEAR 


Eric Clapton introducing Keith 
Richards at the International Rock 
Awards (before Bud sponsored the Steel 
Wheels tour): “Unlike me, he never sold 
himself down the riyer, he never did 
any beer commercials.” 


Joan Baez on Vice-President Dan 
Quayle’s understanding of the abor- 
tion issue: “He thinks Roe vs. Wade is 
something George Washington had to 
decide before he crossed the Delaware.” 


Ron Wood, when asked if the Stones 
were touring because they needed the 
money: "Thats the Who.” 


а screen queen in the making, miss may wouldn't 
mind stepping into you-know-who’s shoes 


ACCORDING TO Tina Bockrath, Texas 
bcauty and rising star, the move into 
the Nineties means one thing: the re- 
turn of the sex goddess. And that, 
Tina predicts, means one other thing: 
the rebirth of Marilyn Monroc. “She 
was (he ultimate,” insists Tina, her 
soft brown eyes widening, “with all 


that glamour, energy, beauty and in- 
nocence. That's what attracted people 
to Marilyn. And that’s why my favor- 
ite compliment is when people tell me 
I remind them of her.” 

Tina's fascination with Monroe isn't 
ine stuff (though 


your ordinary fa 
she does confess that her apartment 
walls are papered with likenesses of 
the screen legend). “It goes further 
than that,” she says. “I'd give any- 
thing to carry out what Marilyn start- 
ed doing—to have that image, that 
vulnerability, that magic that made 
men fall all over her. I'm not sure 
that I could pull it off. Madonna has tried—so have Cher and Michelle Pfeiffer— 
but no one has really captured the goddess end of it. Still, I will certainly 
uy,” she adds. “Marilyn and I may not have had similar lives, but I do have the same 
dream she had, the same driven desire to succeed.” 

Both the dream and the drive began bubbling to the surface about five years ago, 


“As a theater major in callege, | learned both sides cf show business,” says Tina (taking five 
fram a Playboy shaat outside the Globe Playhause in West Hallywaad, top), 
unglamauraus siufi—like building sets and getting paint in my hair” Her fantasy acting 
assignment: “I'd love ta be an a soap. My Gad, I've been watching them since | was 
in elementary schoal. I can tell усш anything yau want ta know about АЙ My Children.” 


"including the 


103 


PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ ARNY FREYTAG 
CENTERFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR 


when Tina left her native Day- 
ton, Ohio, to attend college at 
St. Edward's University, a Cath 
olic school in Austin, Texas. 
She'd selected St. Ed's mainly 
for its solid theater program, 
but 10 her surprise, Tina took 
to the Texas capital like a lost 
cowgirl gone home—especially 
its heart-pumping night life on 
downtowns Sixth Street, a 
boulevard crammed with a va- 
riety of rock clubs. “Imagine 


suddenly having all these places 


to go.” she remembers, “without 
having a mother there to tell 
you when to be home. I was in 
heaven” Her first taste of star- 
dom came when Tina was cast 
їп a university production of 
Bus Stop. A theater-arts major 
who'd never actually been in a 


play before, Tina landed the 


part of Cherie, coincidentally 
the same role portrayed by 
Monroe in the movie version. 
“Getting cast as Cherie was the 
biggest thing for me, but it also 
caused some problems. Here 1 
was, a sophomore, and 1 beat 
out the seniors for the big part. 
A lot of those other girls were 
piiissed'” Despite a successful 
stage debut, life in the spotlight 
came to a brief halt that sum- 
mer when Tina moved to Man- 


һапап to work as a flight 


attendant for a major airl 
temporarily. “The job itself isn't 
as glamourous as people think. 


In reality, it was an overrated, 


underpaid job that gave me 
some serious jet lag. 1 was back 
in school by the following fall.” That was fortunate for us, because that’s how we 


met Tina. “When I heard that Playboy was going to conduct а search for Girls of 


The mony faces cf Tina: Before she begon climbing the showbiz lodder, Tina put in 
two yeors ot Taca Bell ("coshiering to cooking"), had o gig with the IRS as а mail clerk 
104 ond o stint of the local Wal-Mart and worked a few months os o flight cttendont. 


7 


“All these guys who didn't wont to go out with me in high school,” says Tina, “I would 
just faint when they passed me in the hall, but they wouldn't give me the time of doy. 
They're доппо flip when they see me in Playboy. | con't wait!” Whor's Tina's ultimote 
dreom? “To be a star with at leost one movie c year to keep me in the bucks, living in 
a beautiful ronch-style home in Austin with lotsa animals. One kid, but lofso animals!” 


107 


108 


“1 would love for little girls to see 
my pictures and want to grow up 
to be Же me—just like I did with 
pictures of Marilyn Monroe.” 


the Southwest Conference [Oc- 
tober 1988], I enrolled in 
courses at the University of 
Texas so I'd be eligible. 1 
didn’t tell anyone about it so 
I wouldnt be embarrassed if 1 
didn't make it." But, of course, 
Tina did make it, her 
magazine appearance im- 
pressing not only Texas locals 
(‘I was actually recognized on 
Sixth Street”) but, more im- 
portantly, Playboy phow cdi- 
tors, who flew Tina to 
Chicago for a test shoot. That 
photo session yielded more 
than anyone had bargained 
for: an appearance їп the 
magazines Great 35th An- 
niversary Playmate Hunt ( Jan- 
uary 1989) and the feature 
you see before you. 

So, for the time being, 
Tina's coasting and thanking 
her lucky stars. “I don't want 
to be somewhere down the 


line saying, ‘I shoulda, coulda, 


woulda,'” she admits. “When 
Hook back on my life, I'm go- 
ing to know I did what I want- 
ed to do: 1 wanted to live in 
New York and I did. 1 wanted 
10 be a stewardess and 1 was. 
My junior high school friend 


and I fantasized about bein; 


Playboy Playmates and going 
to the Mansion, and all that 
has happened to me. More 
people should try to live their 
dreams: 

Marilyn mighta liked that 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


un: ГАД 867/717 a _ 
BUST: NA EM as 728 
LTE 


HEIGHT: WEIGHT: 


BIRTH DATE: 10) BIRTHPLACE: Dayron ТОМ vo 
AMBITIONS: ID Фе an Actress ex A ap and TD. 


Даут 


prenet Maybe) as lorg as possible. — 
mm ООД Ul Tejas Sunset, areas _ 
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TURN-OFFS: Bush -hour i ele, pushy people 


ги pee what tt have instead a fer 


FANTASY VACATION: J А Cau gt, See th 
ADA parties А in Иджра! diga 


MOST ADMIRED WOMAN: ГАЙ er, rA LING Tu 
САЛАТА м Bee: — Special) wher the 


que get рд. лм: Char! 


PERFECT DATE: 


blæs tivb дай big en die the ahe. 


rade fearbe Aroun 
ТА Т. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


‚After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting 
to make ends meet, a woman begged her tigh 
fisted husband to give her more money. "Can't 
you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy 
а roast?" she asked. 

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his 
pocket and held it up to the mirror. “See the 
money in the mirror? That's yours. And this,” he 
said, putting the ten-spot back in his pocket, 
mine. 

The next evening, he went home to find the 
table filled with steak, ham and Cornish hens. 
“Where did you get the money for all of this?” he 
barked. 
wife took him to the mirror. "Sce this body 
in the mirror? Thats yours. And this one,” she 
said, pulling off her dress, “is the butcher's.” 


A weekend duller teed off and sliced his shot be- 
hind a tree. The second shot ricocheted off the 
tree, hit him in the head and killed him. 

The shaken and dazed fellow suddenly found 
himself standing before the pearly gates. Saint 
Peter, scanning а clipboard, asked, “How did you 
get here?" 

“In two." 


While relaxing during a break in joint war ma- 
neuvers, an Air Force general, an Army general 
and a Navy admiral were arguing about which 
branch of Service had the bravest men. 

“Its no contest. Just watch this,” the admiral 
exclaimed as he turned to shout to a nearby 
sailor. “Seaman! Catch that anchor before it hits 
the ground. 

“Aye, aye sir!” the seaman 
ly before being smashed beneath the weight of 
the anchor. 

“Gentlemen,” the admiral said, drawing a pull 
on his cigar, “that took guts.” 

Undaunted, the Army gen: 
vate. "Son, go stop that tank. 

“Yes, sir!" the GI replied as he ran in front of 

ег did not stop 


turned to a pre 


an oncoming machine. The d 
and the soldier 
“Gentlemen, 


as crushed. 
the general boasted, “that took 


real guts. 

The Air Force general called to one of his men, 
"Airman, catch that F-16 as it lands. 

The young recruit immediately snapped, 
"Fuck you! You crazy?” 

Smiling with pride, the officer tu 
ind said, “Now, gentlemen 


ned to his 
, that took. 


and-run victim was just getting to his 
feet when a policeman ran up to help, “My moth- 
er-in-law just tried to run me over," the shaken 
man told the cop. 
“The car hit you from behind," the officer said. 
“How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?” 
“I recognized the laugh." 


IL took dinner, a show, a couple of nightcaps and 
hours of conversation for the fellow to get the re- 
luctant young woman into bed with him. After a 
night of lovemaking, the smitten woman looked 
into her satisfied lovers eyes and asked, “Am I 
the first girl you ever made love to?” 

“Hmmm, could be,” he replied. “Were you at 
the nineteen eighty-one world series?” 


Why don't women have brains? Because they 
don't have a dick to put them 


As she neared her 40th birthday, the unmar- 
ried bank executive decided that if she ever 
wanted children, she would have to take matters 
into her own hands by arranging for artificial 
semination. 
Оп the day of her appointment, she was led in- 
to a room and told by the technician to step be- 
hind the screen and disrobe. The woman did as 
she was told but was shocked to все the fellow 
pulling down his pants as she nervously 
emerged. “Hey, I thought the stuff came in bot- 
Чез,” she said. 
Well, Im out of bottles right now,” he replied. 
“So I thought I'd give it to you straight from the 
tap.” 


Sandy Schwartz was giving her French husband, 
Pierre, a blow job when the phone rang, Pierre 
answered it and chatted with his mother-in-law 
for about five minutes. When she finally asked to 
talk with Sandy, Pierre said, “Je m'excuse, but 
Sandy cannot speak at ze moment because she 
has a frog in ze throat.” 


9 


During a diplomatic reception at the White 
House, a Third World ambassador was making 
small talk with President Bush. “I understand, 
Mr. President, that Americans enjoy naming 
their automobiles after former Presidents." 

“Why, yes,” Bush replied. "We do have Lin. 
colns and Fords.” 

"Then, turning to the Vice-President, the à 
bassador added, "And stuffed animals, as well? 

Quayle looked puzzled for a moment, then 
brightening, exclaimed, "Ah, yes! Garfield." 


Heard a funny one lately? Send й on a post- 
card, please, lo Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


Laugh along with Playboy Playmates on The Party 
Joke Line, 1-900-740-3311. Or tell a joke of your 
own! The charge is two dollars per minute. 


JUNG SEX 


“Its about time they made some right-wing porn flicks.” 


115 


116 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


ЕЕ 
RT 
AN 
KOVI 


А 
М А 1 


E, 
| 


ea 


what's reality and what's performance? sometimes 
the actor is the last to know 


WHEN JOHN MALKOVICH went to London last 
year to do publicity for the opening of 
Dangerous Liaisons, he tried to keep a civil tongue in his 
head while interviewers treated him like an amusing rus- 
tic—clever enough, in an untutored Yankee way, though 
lacking the refined technique that a first-rate British thespi- 
an might have brought to his role of the Vicomte de Valmont. 
But Malkovich, one of the most powerful, original Ameri- 
can actors since Brando, finally lost his cool when a reporter 
from The Independent asked, with exquisite condescension, if 
he hadn't felt awfully threatened by the demands of the part. 

“Hey, fuckface,” the actor exploded, “why do you think 
the works of an elevator are on top of the building and notin 
the elevator? Why do you think a car engine is under the 
fucking hood? So we don't have to look at и. 1 don't want to 
look at all that ‘Here I am, watch me strut, hear my stutter, 
see my my my my my my 

Had Malkovich's publicist been on the case, he might have 
counseled his client to be more temperate. But Malkovich 
doesn’t have a publicist, or need one. At a time when so 
many show-business careers are manufactured out of recy- 
cled plastic, polished with bogus charm, stretched thin by 
shameless repetition and pumped up by unearned praise, 
John Malkovich has become a star on the strength of one riv- 
eting performance after another: on stage in such plays as 
True West, Burn This and Death of a Salesman and on screen 
in Places in the Heart, The Killing Fields, Empire of the Sun 
and, most memorably so far, Dangerous Liaisons. 

Some people find his work unsettling; maybe it's the disso- 
nance between his voice, which is often mild and occasional- 
ly sweet, and the violence that seems to lurk behind the 
big-domed balding head and the deep-set eyes that are 
slightly askew. Some of his peers find him hard to pin down. 
When Paul Newman was directing him in a 1987 film ver- 
sion of Tennessee Williams’ The Glass Menagerie, Newman 
gave his friend Stewart Stern this assessment of Malkovich's 


By JOE MORGENSTERN 


gifts: “The volatility, the sudden depar- 
tures and bewildering, funny shifts trip off 
inventions that are brilliant beyond the normal mind to 
comprehend but also breed great danger for the person act- 
ing with him, You cant really hold on to him. You try to seta 
course and it’s like spider webs." 

Newman didnt hold on to him, or set much of a course, 
for that matter; the entire production turned out to be 
bland. And his accusation of reckless endangerment was 
needlessly negative; Malkovich can and often does bring out 
the best in those he plays with. Yet Newman certainly got it 
right on the twin counts of volatility and brilliant inventions. 
"That helps describe the mysteries of Malkovich's Valmont, 
a sexual predator who is calculating and miscalculating, 
loathsome and alluring. 


б 

Malkovich has had other prickly dealings with the press. 
When the New York newspaper Newsday ran a piece that 
dwelled on his recent and anguishing marital difficult 
the actor called the writer and read him the riot act. “I've 
done some research here,” he said. “You're separated from 
your wife, too, but you wouldn't want that talked about in 
public print. So how do you think you made me fe 

Without dwelling on chem, Malkovich's difficulties grew 
out of his affair with Michelle Pfeiffer, who co-starred with 
him in Dangerous Liaisons. After separating from his wife, 
the actress Glenne Headly, Malkovich, who is 36 years old, 
went through a yearlong depression that prompted him to 
withdraw from a Hollywood comedy called Crazy People, 
briefly threatened his insurability in the movie business and 
had only begun 10 lift by last fall, when he went to Morocco 
to co-star, with Debra Winger, in Bernardo Bertolucci's 
movie version of the Paul Bowles novel The Sheltering Shy. 
"There were times before Morocco when Malkovich didn't 
think he would make it, and lonely moments after he ar- 
rived. One night in Tangier, I (continued on page 169) 


PAINTING ВУ DUARDO/EVANS. 


PLAYBOY 


pes ЕЕЕ 


things you can live without, but who wants to? 


Fire up your cherished cheroot the way smokers did around the turn of the century with o battery- 
powered solid-oak-and-antique-brass reproduction of o cigor lighter that provides thousands 
of lights, from Indian Head Sales, Mound, Minnesota, $295, including o year's guarantee. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGHO 


The Gillette Sensor razor 
features a pair of blades 
mounied on highly re- 
sponsive springs that al- 
low the blades to odjust to 
the contour of each mans 
face, $3.75. Smooth move! 


This replica 32” speaker, 
once designed for use 
with Wurlitzer jukeboxes, 
has bubble tubes, mirrors 
and a center that changes 
colors, from Corousel, 
San Francisco, $1675. 


The TT-500 Insta-Phrase 
tronslator converts travel- 
related phroses into five 
languages ond also acts 
as о calculator, a currency 
converter and a clock, by 
Rand McNally, $119.95. 


Speedtrak is а hand-held 
fiming device for the rac- 
ing spectator. lt measures 
lap speed, time, and func- 
fions as a stop watch, by 
Timex Corporation, Wa- 
terbury, Connecticut, $45. 


Jacopo Poli, one of Italy's 
top grappa distilleries 
(grappa is the native white 
lightning), offers a hand- 
some set of five superb 
grappas, from Sam's Wine 
& Liquors, Chicago, $150. 


With its unique double- 
lever action, the high-tech 
Tuffnut nutcracker, de- 
signed and made in Great 
Britain, is all it's cracked 
up to be, from Grantz 
U.S.A, New York, $24.95. 


The KI is BMW's idea of 
the motorcycle of the 
future, right now. A hefty 
four-cylinder, fuel-injected 
engine powers the pack- 
age, electronic ontilock 
braking stops it, $12,990. 


122 


SEX IS BACK! 


a field report on the end 
(at last) of the ice age 


article By MICHAEL KELLY 


REMEMBER THE FIRST CLUE that sex was back. It came a few months ago, when I was eating lunch in Washington, D.C. 
ith my friend Frank. He was telling me about a date with the daughter of the ambassador of some small, exotic 
land. He said, “She had on some kind of perfume they wear only in, like, Angkor Wat, and she had a pretty good- 
sized mustache, which depressed me, but she took off her clothes in the ki itchen, which made me feel better.” Sudden- 
ly I thought: What in the world is Frank, of all people, doing having ses 
Then it came to me with another start that he wasn't the only one. Not only Frank but Mike and Tom, too. 
Washington lobbyist Frank was involved in two meaningless affairs: a weekends-only fling with a beautiful young 


matron from New York who was thinking about leaving her invesunent-banker husband, on the grounds that he was 

bad in bed, even by the standards of investment bankers, and a weekday-afternoon thing with a 23-year-old secretary who 
had at first hewed to a rule of oral sex only, on the grounds that putting another persons penis in your mouth does not 
constitute cheating on one’s live-in boyfriend, but wl ho ended up doing all sorts of things, on the grounds of what the hell. 
Mike, a New York mergers-and-acquisitions lawyer, had j just gone on a series of dates that ate up many billable hours 

ion for which he was in no way financially recompensed. 

necticut writer whose last prolonged romantic engagement occurred during the Whip Inflation Now cam- 

paign, had acquired a girlfriend at the beach and spent the entire summer in embrace, including one night during which 


FOR 6000 OLD HANKY-PANKY 


PLAYBOY 


124 


there were five separate occasions when 
at least one of the parties claimed to be 
having an org; 
1 figured right aw 
at atrend. Frank. Mi 
ple like me. 
class, hetero and roughly 28 to 40 years 
old—are Americas official sexual-trend 
group. Our sex life has been the subject 
of two decades of intense theorizing. 
People like me may not necessarily 
have had more real sex than our parents. 
but we have had more theoretical sex 
than any group Sex аз а State- 


y that I was looking 
ke and Tom are peo- 


Group End x as a Performing 
Art, Sex as Oppression, Sex as Libera- 
tion, Sex as Violence Against Woman- 
nd (or at against 

Dworkin). Sex as Therapy, Sex аз 
Sex as Addiction, Sex as the Enemy 


of the People (or at least the Meese com- 
a 


mission) and, finally, with AIDS. Sex as 
Fatal Auraction, 

In this last trend, people like me 
portedly have been, for the past few 
years, very depressed and staying at 
home and having hardly any sex because 
AIDS is going to Kill us all. 

When, against our beuer judgment, we 
succumbed to sex, we used condoms with 
virus-killing chemicals. We used de 
dams, thin sheets of latex kept between 
tongue and thing to be tongued. We 
quired partners to divulge their sexual 
histories and 10 have tests for AIDS 
fore we slept with them, and we carried 
cards in our wallets and purses to show 
we had tested clean. If we got ALDS-free 
lovers, we cleaved only unto them, in 


what was grandly called The New 
Monogamy. Some of us gave up on sex 


The New Chastity, and re- 
placed it with eating a lot (The New Eat- 
ing) or running triathlons (The New 
Throwing Up) or curling up in a fetal 
position and crying until medical author- 
ics took из away (The New Jim Bakker). 
I should mention that none of my 
friends is—not to put too fine a point оп 
it—Mel Gibson. Neither am I. Sometimes 
we have dates on Saturday night; some- 
times we have the bulldog edition of The 
New York Times. 


like The New Chastity sets in, we are 
among the first to feel the pinch. 

So when I was confronted by the evi- 
dence of Frank. Mike and Tom. I won- 
dered, What is going on here? Il even my 
friends аге having sex again, does that 


mean what 1 think it does? Can sex be 
back? Why? Where has it been? If sex is 
back. is it the same sex that went away? 


n our ways and 
Live have to go 


Will people like me, set 
all. be able to do it? Or w 
10 re-education camps? 

T started looking for wers by inter- 
viewing 94.000 men and women between 


the ages of 18 and 50. using a detailed 
questionnaire that covered 137 cate- 
gol of sexual behavior and attitude. 
Not really: thats just a gag | borrowed 
from Shere Hite. Really, I started looking 
for answers Бу hanging around in places 
where people who are interested in com- 
mitting sex tend to congregate, such as 
singles bar 

Is sex back? 

This is my main 
back. 

The stuff i tically ev- 
eryone 1 know is having sex and the ones 
who arent say they do not wish to be New 
Celibates but are just, at this ume, ın a 
dry spell. 

1 base my finding on the following: (1) 
I called a lot of friends up on the tele- 
phone and asked them, “Is there sex 
there?” They all said yes, there was. “In 
Boston, we are screwing with abandon,” 
said my corporate-lawyer friend Kate, 
neatly summing up the common view- 
point. (2) I went to several crowded 
gles bars in Washington, D.C.. and 
York and 1 asked a number of boys 


and Congressmeris offices. 


ding: Sex is, in fact, 


liked being shoved around in a hot. 
smoky haze while strangers poured bee: 
on them or (B) they wanted to meet 
someone of the opposite sex wi 
toward a sexual relationship. My notes 
from that evening, which are on napki 
hule splotchy, but it appears that 75 


һ апе, 


e 


swers that 1 chose to ignore and an 
10 Senator Robert C. Byrd called me a 
k 
Why is sex back? 
The short reason sex is back, of course, 
is that an ever-growing number of peo- 
ple no longer believe they are going to 
yet AIDS from doing it. (There is a 
longer, more complex reason, too, but 
ЇЇ get to that later.) 
ome samplings of opinion: 

41, a San Fr 


"When the AIDS s 
picked the best sex 
and said, "Lets get 

nous for ov 


partner 1 could find 
marri T was 


became a $200-an-hour New Age 
girl. Business is so good she takes only re- 
als. She has sex with, on the ave 
x men a week. In her off hours, she has 


one primary lover. a middle-aged man, 
but is also sleeping regularly with а wom- 


an about he 
other people eve 


own age and half a dozen 
y month. “It is my per- 


sonal belief that the AIDS scare was 
greatly exaggerated, 
+ Bradley Jay is 32. a Bostonian and the 
host of a popular nighttime radio talk 
show called Rock & Romance that is 
devoted to sex. love and courtship. [ have 
known Brad since college and I always 
have thought of him as America’s sexual 
bellwether, the equivalent of one of those 
little East Oatmeal, Maine, kind of towns 
you read about every four years that have 
voted for the winner of every Presiden- 
tial election since Polk. Sexually speak- 
ing, as goes Brad. so goes the nation 
Some of the things Brad introduced 
me to were so far ahead of their time that 
nothing like them happened to me 
since. Once, on a summery day in 1978. 
he talked me and two girls we knew into 
taking off our clothes and driving with 
him in his Volkswagen down Interstate 
95 from Durham, New Hampshire, to 
Boston. Another time, he got me in- 
volved in a "sensory experiment" 
which we rubbed watermelon on a girl 
we knew who was of an amiable nature. 
Brad was the first guy I knew who had 
sex with two women at the same He 
was the first guy I knew who had an open 
relationship and—this is the important 
part—the first guy I knew who practiced 
safe se 
1 believe. in fact. that Brad invented 
safe sex way back in 1980. He limited 
e than a year to one p: 


he say 


himselt tor moi 
ner (considered a shocker in those days) 
and he talked about safe sex all the time. 
Except in those days, we called it "not 
fucking." which had a double disadvan- 
tage: You couldn't talk about it in polite 
society and it hardly sounded like an ac- 
complishment. 

Now Brad says. “I wouldn't say I am 
monogamous. ГА say—whars three?— 
1 Although he says he still 
Мг Margin of Safety,” 
he doesn't use condoms. His safety pre- 
I go out with young 
girls who have had. like, only one 
boyfriend. 

The people calling into his radio show 
dont seem very concerned about AIDS, 
either. “People are getting used to 
AIDS,” he says. “It’s, like, no big problem. 
It's just another dis wont even 
look that bad compared with the plague. 
Irll just be a question on a quiz one day." 

*Rebecca is 30. an emergency-room 
nurse in Baltimore. She has been dat 
a doctor for several months. She doesnt 
use condoms. “I don't think I'm going to 
sleep with anybody who AIDS. 
think my chances are very low, 
"b see three or four people a day in 
the ЕВ. with AIDS. In Wa gton, 
they were all gay In Baltimore, they 
are all LV-drug users. 1 have never 

(continued on page 162) 


"I've owned one for years and just realized why they're called pickup trucks!” 


125 


15 


PAPAS COIR 


hemingwoy would be proud of this rare granddaughter: shes vintage margaux 


text by MARGAUX HEMINGWAY 


IGH ADVENTURE, that’s what ex- 
cites me. But sometimes, the 
road has a few bumps. If you 
survive them, they make you 
tougher. Rolling with the 
punches, as my grandfather would 
зау. When Playboy approached me 
about doing a pictorial, 1 was 
amused. I never thought of myself 


as the Playboy ypc—lung, shinny 
legs, big boobs, perfect ass. But 1 
took it as a compliment, a perfect 
launch for my new Ше. After all, | 
had been out of the public eye for a 
while. It had been a long way from 
Ketchum, Idaho. When I arrived in 
New York i 
at 1 had a certain lanky openness—Lord, 1 could 


п 1974, my grandfather's 


name got me started. But I guess the fact ti 


get enthusiastic! — got me the rest. In a fairly short time, I was on the fast track with every 


Beautiful Person you could shake a stick at and had become a big-time model with a 
$1,000,000 contract as Fabergé's Babe. Then 


the movie Lipstick, which didn't do well—and starting right about then, neither did L 


Mariel, and I starred in 


1976, my little sister, 


But I didn’t know that. I kept going to Studio 54 (those of you too young to remember 
should know it was the place to drink, play and be seen) and enjoyed myself in a Seventies sort 
of life 


But | watched two marriages fail; 1 watched my younger sister become a star in Manhat- 


of way It was glamourous and it was fun. Champagne and limousines became a wa 


tan while my own career grew erratic. Among other things. 1 found myself drinking too much 


and I checked in for a 28-day stay a 


the Betty Ford Center. My fast g had caught up. 


me at last. Two years earlier, during Christmas, Га had a terrible ski accident while testing the 


deep powder on an unskied slope in Gerlos, Austria. It wasn't the 40-foot drop that hurt; it 


wasthe boulder hidden under the powder that broke my first, third, fourth and fifth lower left 


lumbar vertebrae and shauered my pelvis. Recover from that fall took alinost six months. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


128 


in bed in London. Reading. Watch- 


ing videos and drinking to ease the 


1 was determined not 


pain, becaus 


to become addicted to pain pills. 1 


put on about 75 pounds, and with 
the loss of my looks, 1 lost my 
confidence. It didn’t help when some 
Italian paparazzi caught me swim- 
ming half-naked in Sardinia, when I 
was at ту heaviest. 

In the fall of 1987, I moved to New 
York, where 1 finally bottomed out 
and made that important telephone 
call myself, My first goal after “grad- 
uating” from Betty Ford was to get 
back in shape. I have always been an 
athlete, so I went right into training. 
I worked out almost every day with 
aerobics, bicycles. StairMasters and 
light weights. I also spent some time 
up in Sun Valley, where 1 had grown 
up. hiking and fishing in the sum- 
mer and skiing in the winter. 1 
changed my diet. eating only vegeta: 
bles and fish, and began to drink al- 
most a gallon of water a day ... a 
natural for an Aquarian 

After getting “the machine" in 
shape, it was time 10 get my career in 
shape, too. I acted in my first play 
The Women, and had the vixen role 


of Crystal, which Joan Crawford 


played in the movie. 1 loved being a 
clever bitch, 


I have always loved France and in 


the fall of 1988, 1 went to Paris for 
the Fashion collections and landed a 
starring role in a French movie, 
Mass т С Minor, with Stéphane 
Audran. It was great to be back in 


front of the camera 


Twas in Paris for nine months but 
missed home. So in September, 
moved to Los Angeles. My con- 
fidence was back and it was time to 
work on what I like doing best—act- 
ing—where I like doing it, in the old 
US. of A. 

Гуе started acting classes again 
and I have just signed to write a 
book about my journeys, including 
my most challenging one—taking 
control of my life. 

Back to me and Playboy. 1 told the 
editors that if they wanted me to 
take my clothes off, they would have 
to take me somewhere special. 1 


wa 


ed to go on an adventure; ad- 
venture is my middle name. A 
friend recommended Belize and 
Guatemala. Belize is a new country, 
formerly British Honduras, east of 
Guatemala. It has some of the best 
scuba diving in the world because of 
the reefs offshore [Playboy's James 
В. Petersen wrote about his adven- 


tures there in the Februa 


y issue]. 
Belize is entirely natural—the 
people and the place. Almost no 


tourists, but lots of fishermen and 


131 


132 


deserted beaches. We took litle 
fishing boats to islands off the coast, 
where we felt as if we had gone back 
in time. Although we stayed in a 
charming hotel. The Belizean near 
San Pedro, we roughed it for the rest 
of our trip. No porters or room serv- 


ice. You'd better be able to 


your bags and catch your fish. 

We took 17 planes in 13 days 
searching for perfect locations and 
adventures... and we found them. I 
felt so peaceful on the beaches and 
in the water of Belize. I hope it 
shows. Across the border in 
Guatemala, we visited the Mayan 
ruins of Tikal, on the Temples of 
the Giant Jaguar overlooking the 
‘Temple of the Masks. The ruins 
have so much spiritual power. I 
meditated every day and I could feel 
their energy 

I canit tell you how good it feels to 
want to show offa little again, We all 


have periods in our life when we 


want to go public and want to stay 
private. I know I've juggled both of 
those impulses. Right now, with all 
thats happened recently, I'm ready 
to be seen again. And this trip to Be- 
lize and Guatemala was the perfect 


opportunity. It was the beginning of 


the next round. Rolling with the 
punches pays off only if you get a 


second chance. Thanks, Playboy 


zeus 


CREATIVE CONSULTANT ZA 


PLAYBOY 


136 


MIDSUMMER DAYDREAM couet om nee 


“How does an innocent person act? He could 
barely stand up, he was concentrating so hard.” 


with splintery bleachers and non 
actors up from New York. "Good 
Bohker said. nodding at the crowd in s 
isfaction, showbiz jargon as comfortable 


brings ‘em in everytime. They dont wa 
ybody to think they dont have cul- 


Isnt that great.” Kelp said, working 
on his enthusiasm because 
Bohker was putting them up until New 
York became a little less fraught. “Only 
eighty miles from the city, and you've got 
live theater” 

“Cable kills us at night," cousin Bohker 
said, sharing more of his entertainment- 
world expert but in the daytime, we 
do fine.” 

They rang a cowbell to announce the 
second half, and the audience obediently 
shuffled back in, as though they had bells 
round their own necks. All except Dort- 
munder, who said. “I dont think I can do 
i” 

"Come on, John." Kelp said. not want- 
ing to be rude to the cousin. “Don't you 
wanna know how it comes out?” 

“I know how it comes out.” Dortmun- 
der said, “The guy with the donkey head 
turns into Pinocchio.” 
"hats OK, Andy" со 
said. He was а magnanimous host. “Some 
people just don go for it,” he went on, 
with the fat chuckle that served him so 
well in fertilizer sale Tell the truth. 
football season, I wouldnt go for it my- 
self. 

ГИ be out here,” 
“In the air 

So everybody else shuffled back into 
the barn and Dortmunder stayed out- 
side, like the last smoker in the world. He 
walked around a bit. looking at how 
dusty his shoes were getting, and thought 
about New York. It was justa little misun- 
derstanding down there, thats all, a little 
question about the value of the contents 
of trucks that had been taken from 
Greenwich Street out to Long Island. 
one night when their regular driv 
were asleep in bed. It would straighten it- 
self out eventually, but a couple of the 
people involved were a little jumpy and 
emotional in their responses, and Dori- 
munder didn't want to be the cause of 
their having performed actions the 
would later regret. So it was better 
morc healthful, in fact—to spend a little 
time in the country, with the air and the 
trees and the sui fairies in the 
bottom of the bars 

Laughter inside the barn. Dortmunder 


in Bohker 


Dortmunder said. 


wandered over to the 
which now stood ung: 
ushers and cashier all away being fa 
and beyond the bleacher 
in the donkey head and the girl dr 
in curtains carrying on as before. No 
change. Dortmunder turned away and 
made а long. slow circuit of the barn, just 
for something to do. 

This used to be a real farm a long ime 
ago, but most of the land was sold off and 
а couple of outbuildings underwent in- 
surance fires, so now the property was 
pretty much just the old white farm- 
house, the red bi ıd the gravel par 
ing lot in between, The summer-theater 
people were living in the farmhouse. 
which meant that out back, it had the 
n the county 


econd half took a long time, al- 
most as long as if Dortmunder had been 
inside watching it, He walked around 
awhile, and then he chose a comfortable- 
looking car in the parking lot and sat in 
it—people didn't lock their cars or thei 
houses or anything around here—and 
then he strolled around some more, and 
that’s when the actor with the donkeys 
head and the bib overalls went by, maybe 
10 make an entrance from the front of 
the theater. Dortmunder nodded his 
head at the guy. and the actor nodded his 
donkey head back. 

Dortmunder strolled through the 
parked cars, wondering if there were 
time Lo take one for a little spi nd then. 
Mr. Donkey came back again and they 
both did their head nod, and the donkey 
walked on, and that was it for excitement. 
Dortmunder figured he probably didnt 
have time to take a little drive around the 
countryside, particularly because, dollars 
to doughnuts, he'd get lost. 

And it was a good thing he'd decided 
not to leave. because only about те 
utes later, a whole lot of applause sound- 
ed ide the barn and a couple of 
ex-lairies came trotting out to be traffic 
control in the parking lot. Dortmunder 
swam upstream through the sated cul- 
ture lovers and found Kelp to one side of 
makeshift 
n Bohker to quit 
№ was a lot of 


fu 
46 
“And it come out completely different 
from what you said.” 
Cousin Bohker emerged from the 


t office with a brand-new expression on 
his face. all pinched-in and pruny as 
though he'd been cating his fertilizer. He 
said, "Andy. I guess your friend doesnt 
understand much about country hospi- 
tality” 

This made very 


litle sense at all; in 
fact. none. Kelp said, “Come again, cuz 
о you talk to him, Andy,” cousin 
Bohker said. He wasn't looking at Dort- 
munder, but his head seemed to incline 
slightly in Dortmunders direction, He 
seemed like a man torn between anger 
and fear, anger forbidding him to show 
the fear, fear holding the anger in check; 
constipated, in other words. "You talk to 
your friend,” run Bohker said ın a 
gled way, “you explain about hospi- 
tality in the country, and you tell 
li forget” 

“If you mean John,” Kelp said, "hes 
right here. This is him here.” 
hats OK." the cousin said. " 
tell him well forget all about it this once 
id all he has to do is give it back, and 


we'll never say another word about 
ET shook his head. 


“1 dont get what 
е what back? 
yelled. 
Two 


ing madly at his ticket office 
hundred twenty-seven paid admission 
not counting freebies and house seas 
like you fellas had, at twelve bucks a head: 
that’s two thousand, seven hundred 
twenty-four dollars, and I want it back!” 


Kelp stared at his cousin. “The box- 
office receipts? You cant " His stare, 
disbelieving, doubtful. wondering, 
turned toward Dortmunder. “John? You 


Фати" Кар? eyes looked like hubcaps. 
“Did you? You didnt! Naturally, you 
didn’t. Did you? 
he experience of being unjustly ac- 
cused was so novel and bewildering to 
Dorumunder that he was almost drunk 
from it. He had so little expe 
nocence! How does an innocent person 
act. react, respond to the base accusa- 
tion? He could barely stand up. he was 
concentrating so hard on this sudden in- 
rush of guilllessness. His knees were 
wobbling. He stared at Andy Kelp and 
couldn't think of one solitary thing vo sax 

“Who else was out here?” the cousin 
demanded. "АП alone out here while ev- 
erybody else was inside with the play. 
“Couldn't stand Shakespeare. was that it? 
Saw his opportunity, by God, and (oak it, 
and the hell with his host!” 

Kelp was beginning to look desperate. 
“John.” he said. like a lawyer leading a 
particularly stupid witness, 


€ of in- 


having a Ише fun, didn't me: 
serious, was that it?” 
Maybe innocent people are dignified, 


Dortmunder thought. He tried it: “I did 
not take the money” he said, as dignified 
(comtinued on page 154) 


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{ЕЛ КИНЕ ER 


т old Jennifer Tilly is by 
nature distracting. It's more than her per- 
Sect figure and the squeaky voice and ditz 
character she trolled out for us т “The Fab- 
ulous Baker Boys” playing a tone-deaf as- 
piring singer Its not even the striking 
resemblance to her sister, actress Meg Tilly 
According to Contributing Editor Dawid 
Rensin, who interviewed Jennifer in Los 
Angeles, “It has to do with the way she 
couldn't sit still on the couch while we 
talked. That same refreshing energy has 
made her one of the towns hardest workers, 
completing eleven films in only three years.” 
They include “Rented Lips," “Let It Ride,” 
“High Spirits" and “Hes My Girl.” Tilly 
also created Henry Goldblumes unforget- 
table Mafia-widow girlfriend for six epi- 
sodes of “Hill Street Blues.” In fact, she is 
so devoted to work that she said if she 
died and, as in the movies, could still 
walk the earth, “Td probably just hang 
around movie sets, сай the bagels and watch 


people film.” 


1. 


rtarpoy: You have defined on screen to- 
day's version of the adorably sexy, good- 
hearted love toy—a sort of Judy Holliday 
in a skintight miniskirt. Describe the 
ditzy babe. 
тилу: Somebody who doesn't have an 
idea of the big picture. She just sort of 
rushes into things, not aware of the con- 
sequences. She speaks before she thinks, 
but even if she thought before she spoke, 
she probably wouldn't come up with any- 
thing better. A lot of things strike her 
funny. Everything is always happy, and 
its hard for her to comprehend that real- 
ly awful things can happen. Often, she 
doesnt even get it when people are mean 
10 her, because she doesn't comprehend 
that people can be mean. I like these 
characters a lot. 


meg’s sister 2 


" c PLAYBOY: What's 
enjoys putting ышы: 
on the ditz but 

dumber than you? 

тшу: Dumber is 

H laxing. You dont 
rehearsing the rave to do whole 

Tec lot of research, be- 
kissing scenes т 

limited vision of 
the world. You just 


characters smarter 
draws the 

really, really easy 

cause the charac- 


than you or 
line at over- ene Irs very re 

ter a very 
Сл 


react to people like you're а step or two 
behind. You have to get back into that 
childlike place, where everything is sort 
of amazing. But 1 also love playing char- 
acters who are smarter, because it's nice 
to play someone I'd like to be [laughs] 
The parts that are really hard for me are 
people who have gone through a whole 
lot of trauma—like, their mothers been 
murdered, When I'm doing comedy, I 
can sit around on the set, make jokes and 
go right into the scene. But when I'm do- 
ing tragedy or drama, I really have to 
concentrate. My head gets really com- 
pressed, like I have a headache. Pin on an 
emotional edge. 1 think thats why dra 

matic actresses get reputations as being 
divas. They have all these emotions about 
an inch away from the surface. Then 
suddenly the wardrobe girl can't find one 
of the actress’ earrings, and she gets all 
this emotion that’s meant for the part. 


E 


м.лувоу: What could you have done with 
the role of Scarlett O'Hara? 

пах: IÊ I were playing Scarlett, I would. 
play her with a lot more grit. You never 
stopped being aware that Vivien Leigh 
was а movie star. If they redid Gone with 
the Wind today, maybe it wouldn't be so 
pretty, Maybe it would be a little more 
grounded. Even when Scarlett is digging 
the dirt for the turnips and starving, 
there are too many shots where she looks 
up with this radiant face, the tears glis- 
tening in her eyes. But you never really 
feel like she has callused hands or dirt 
under her fingernails. 


4. 


mavnov: Would you have been as candid 
and as comfortable with the nude scenes 
sister Meg was in The Girl in a 


as yo 
Swing? 

тилу: I never saw that film. Meg asked 
me not to. And I have no idea if I would 
have been as comfortable, because Гуе 
never done a nude scene. But I imagine 
that I would have been. Nudity frightens 
me a little. When you're an actress, you 
get into another person's skin and are ca- 
pable of doing anything. You just have to 
trust the director and the material. 
There's a difference between doing a 
nude scene for Martin Scorsese, where 
I'm naked and а fellow actor is touching 
me all over, and doing the same scene for 
Hardbodies 2. Suddenly, it's not art. Sud- 
denly, it's soft porn or exploitation. I've 
worn really skimpy outfits in movies and 
not even noticed it. In Let It Ride, my 


outfit was very skimpy and it was always 
sliding down and coming up and whatev- 
er, and I couldnit wear any underwear— 
excepi when I did the somersault 
[Smiles] 1 want to set that straight. For the 
record: I was wearing black underwear. 


5. 


и лувоу: How far will you go to get into a 
character? 

тилу: 1 know I've already used Scorsese 
as an example, but when they slapped 
around Cathy Moriarty in Raging Bull, it 
took four takes to make her cry, and she 
got an Oscar nomination, 1 was so of- 
fended when I heard that and I thought, 
How dare they? Don't they have any trust 
in this woman as an actress? That's not 
acting; that’s psychodrama. But now, 
sometimes when I'm on a set, I would ap- 
preciate somebody slapping my face to 
get me going. 


6. 


nov: As an actress, how important is 
ryone to really like you? 

тилу: One of my main problems is that I 
c mc. And it doesnt 
they're really creepy and they 
wouldn't even like their own grandmoth- 
er. That Sally Field thing [when she won 
the Best Actress Oscar] was awful. 1 was 
watching and was very embarrassed for 
her. But the reason it was awful was that I 
thought, Geez, that could be me. What if 
I won an Oscar and I blurted out, "You 
like me! You like me!"? Later, I read a 
critic who wrote—and I thought this was 
really telling—that that was the differ- 
ence between someone like Sally Field 
and Vanessa Redgrave. Sally Field is 
actress because she wants people 
to like her; Vanessa Redgrave is an 
actress because she has to express the 


art in herself. 


А 


TLAYROY: You come from a big family. 
Were you popular or did you have to 
amuse yourself as a child? 

тилу: I was the most popular person in 
my family. I was like a celebrity. All my 
sisters would fight over who got to sleep 
with me. I was always thinking up all the 
games, telling all the stories and had 
the best clothes. 1 was the entertainment. 
We didnt have television and we didnt 
have movies, and 1 was always the boss. 
I'd write these plays and I'd make every 
body be in them. Once, I had this idea 
that wed put all the beds on top of one 
another so (continued on page 158) 


139 


140 


sports By KEVIN COOK 


big bucks, surprise swings 
and a season on the brink 


PLAYBOY’S 
1990 
BASEBALL 
PREVIEW 


IN THE MORTAL WORDS of Billy Martin, “If there's such a thing as 
a good loser, the game's crooked.” 
ineteen eighty-nine was the year of good losers. Dodger 
raviolo Tommy Lasorda lost half a dozen chins and 14 games 
in the standings and became more famous as a diet shill than 
he was when his team won. Uncle Fester look-alike Don Zim- 
mer lost 30 pounds and the National League pennant by 
swearing off the hook as well as the fork—only a man reeling 
from hunger would have let Greg Maddux pitch to Will Clark 
Zimmer's Cubs, the most expert losers of all, starved for the 
8lst year in a row. Clark and Carney Lanslord lost batting ti- 
tles like real men, taking their cuts on the seasons final day, 
then upping their caps to the victors. The city of Oakland lost 
its balance during the Jerry Lee Lewis World Series—a whole 
lotta shakin; followed by great balls of fire—then rebounded 
with grace under pressure. Oakland’s team lost its superman 
for three months and still ruled the series, whereupon Roger 
Craig, in the agony of desweep, praised his Giants’ slayers 
Wade lost Margo and still got his 200 hits. 

And Billy was right. After a scason so full of good losers, 


baseball proved itself crooked. Not in the way the bilious Mar- 
tin, who lost his life in a pickup truck last Christmas, had env 
sioned. Not because wienies now profane the game by trading 
high fives instead of punches. But still crooked. There's some- 
thing foully skewed about a game that leads its lovers on and 
then plays hard to get 

The game was never hotter. Major-league baseball sets a 
new attendance record every summer. Even the minors, bles 
“em (they play every April even if the big leagues dont), draw 
23,000,000 fans a year. TV rewards baseball with a 146-bil- 
lion-dollar jackpot—enough dollars to circle the globe five 
times—and what happens? The game turns around and jilts 
Joe Fan. The players threaten a walkout. The owners—a priv- 
ileged caste featuring a cowboy tycoon, a Kennebunkport oil- 
man’s son, a burger queen, а pizza baron, a shipbuilding felon 
and assorted liquor salesmen—plan a lockout In January, 
word went out to 24 towns in Florida and Arizona—don't hold 
your breath waiting for spring training, 

Theres a long-term solution to the mess. Kids call it half- 
sies. The owners have offered the players union 48 percent of 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BOSWICK 


PLAYBOY 


м2 


selected revenues. If they bump the ante a 
Че and compromise on the meaning of 
selected,” the players will pla . Man- 
agement has no other choic г cheat 
ing the players in the collusion debacles of 
1985 and 1986—then throwing zillions at 
free-agent stars in last winters suddenly 
free market—owners couldn't claim to be 
the poverty-stricken good guys in this 
year’s labor battle. They'll cave in sooner 
or later. If it's sooner, new commissioner 
Fay Vincent, the ex-chief of Columbia Pic 
tures, won't have to open his reign with an 
empty marquee, and the fans won't spend 
the cruelest month asking directions to 
Hagerstown, Waterloo and San Jose. 

There will be big-league ball this year. 
Spring may leave a bad taste in the fans’ 
mouths—the taste of a four-dollar beer— 
but this, too, will pass. By summer, the 
course of Ball "90 will be as delectably 
crooked as every season since 1871 —when. 
the young Pete Rose got Cap Anson's auto- 
graph and charged Anson only a dollar. 

Nineteen eighty-nine began with a 
standing ovation for Rose. The scene: 
incinnati’s Riverfront Stadium, right 
next to Pete Rose Way. Rose's Reds beat the 
defending-champ Dodgers that day in a 
game that was supposed to presage a tight 
Reds-Dodgers pennant race (they would 
finish a combined 31 games out of first). 
And when Pete lightly doffed his hat, re- 
sponding to the cheers, each fan on hand 
could safely bet the game was getting 
weird. ‘Two days later, Orel Hershiser took 
his 59-inning 
the Dodgers’ championship season, to the 
mound at Riverfront. Five minutes alter 
that, the streak was shot, and the season 
stopped making sense. 

A year ago, Kevin Mitchell and Mickey 
‘Tettleton were supporting players. In 1989, 
the Giants’ left fielder and the Orioles’ 
catcher took center stage. Coming off sea- 
sons in which they'd hit 19 and И home 
runs, respectively, they homered compul- 
slugging 47 and 26. Mitchells 
secret? When the chill winds at Candle- 
k gave him the sniflles, he ate 
apoRub. ‘Tettleton stoked up on 
box after box of Froot Loops. Mets farm 
hand Julio Machado fueled his fastball by 
munching lizards. 

Mitchell, hitting with the top of his 
jersey unbuttoned to make room for his 
huge VapoPecs, led the Giants to a pen- 
nant. Лешеюп, hurt in the second half, 
still might have done the same for the 
Оз had he picked a more fitting cereal, 
Cheerios. The Mets lost out to the lizard- 
less Cubs in the N.L. Е aps is 
they brought “Igual г Machado to 
the majors too late. Judging by 1989, basc- 
ball is mostly diet. 

The picture of the year was Mitchell, his 
back 10 the plate, reaching up to snag an 
Ozzie $ hand. “He 
ould hae | the cover off thi 
ball with his teeth,” said a teammate. And 
caten it 

Dodgers manager Lasorda, the dict 


out streak, a remnant of 


hman who now looks less like a bowling: 
pin, is hungry. Ditto his Dodgers. They 
have the best pitching in the game. 
season, they led the big leagues in prevent- 
ing runs but trailed in scoring. Thi 
ack that 
The Dodgers 
are going to score 75 to 100 more runs, win 
25 more games and hold off the Padres, 
the Giants and the Reds in the West. 

Dave Johnson, yet another slimmed- 
down skipper, needs a doctor. Luckily for 
him, he has one of the best. Johnson will be 
fired if he doesn't win this year, but with 
Doc Gooden, Frank Viola, Sid Fernandez 


OCTOBER 


N.L. EAST N.L. WEST 
1. METS 1. DODGERS 
2. CARDINALS 2. PADRES 
3. CUBS 3. GIANTS 
4, PIRATES 4. REDS 
5. PHILLIES 5. ASTROS 
6. EXPOS 6. BRAVES 
A.L. EAST A.L. WEST 
1. BLUE JAYS LAS 
2. BREWERS 2. ROYALS 
3, RED SOX 3. ANGELS 
4. ORIOLES 4. MARINERS 
5. YANKEES 5. RANGERS 
6. INDIANS 6. TWINS 
7 TIGERS 7. WHITE SOX 
A.L. CHAMPS 
NS 
N.L. CHAMPS 
METS 
WORLD CHAMPS 
METS 


and John Franco, Johnson's Mets are heavi- 
ly armed. Last season, they lost Gooden 
early. Nominal superstar Darryl Strawber- 
ту hit .225 and stranded too many base 
runners in the second half as the Mets 
bitched their to second place. Lumber- 
ing left fielder Kevin “Mac the Butter 
McReynolds blamed the media. Su- 
permodel Ron Darling blamed the fans. 
“We've spoiled them,” he said of the Mets’ 
faithful, who must have a low spoilage 
threshold. The Mets have won one World 
Series and two division titles in the past 


image. Second bas 
ic minor-l 


and 1989 rookie dud of the y 
Viola will be the 


soph. 


on stint. an 
5 ready to be the 


Suawberr 
alcohol-rehab clinic, 


youngest, most talented Comeback Pla 
of the Year ever. The Straw, no longer s 
ring drinks, will stop trying to hit 62 
homers and settle for 40. (Is Darryl con- 
cerned about his stats? Does he press a little 
when his home-run count approaches a 
nice round number? Here are his homer 
totals for the past three years: 39, 39, 29.) 
The Mets will win the East and make 
shortcake of L.A. in the play-offs. 

In the American League East, the Blue 
J ould fend off the bruised Brewers 
and rebuilt Red Sox. Ninety wins ought to 
be enough to crown the champs of the 
games crummiest division, and the Jays 
have the right mix of veterans and tykes to 
win 95, plus a manager, stoic Cito Gaston, 
with sense enough 10 get out of the way 
and let them play. The Jays would not have 
won last year under the flappable Jimy 
Williams; they were 12-24 when Gaston 
took over for Williams in May. Under Gas- 
ton, they played ‚611 ball, same as the As. 
SkyDome—a fern bar with 
an awful place for а ball 
game. Fenway Park or County Stadium 
would be a better setting for a late date 
with the A's. But the Jays have more pitch- 


derson win pennants. Last July second, 
Henderson led off a game witha home run 
for the 37th time. He has hit more lead-off 
homers than any other player. On July 29, 
newly reacquired by the A5, he stole five 
bases and scored four runs. Nothing spe- 
for Henderson, except that he did it 
without an at-bat; he cadged four walks. 
When he went to Oakland, the Аз were 
clinging to a slim lead on the Royals and 
the Angels. They won by seven. Without 
him, there would have been three teams 
shaken up by the quake: the 
ALL. champ Royals and, watching at ho 
the Аз. Henderson is better than Ty Cobb 
he's the finest player 
With him, a healthy Jose Canseco, С 
Lansford (who lost the batting title to Ki 
by Puckett by two hits), bashers Mark Mc- 
Gwire and Dave Henderson, shortstop 
Walt Weiss and a pitching staff second only 
to the Dodgers’ Oakland will three-peat as 
A.L. kings. 


in the N.L. East last y 
happened to them. 
team that ha 


1, hamsterish Chicago manager 
ball, said Zimmer 


Hardgrove hitting а 414- 
ve through a basketball hoop. 
ad hung the hoop 
eld fence at O'Brien 
Tennes 6 


ано. 
when Hai 


grove hit the shot heard round 


© 1990 Warrer-Lambert Co 


‘THREE POINTS. 


He does it with the Schick Slim Twift 
Disposable razor. Slim Twin has a slim head 
to shave hard-to-reach places. 

In fact, it works so well, men like Jim 
Paxson prefer it over Gillette Good News 
regular. 

Slim Twin even has 
aone-push cleaning bar to 
remove soap and stubble 

So get with the 
program. And get to the 
tough spots with Schick's 
Slim Twin Disposable. 

It reaches every 
place on every face. 


E LIA Y вот 


ма gered a 


the rin 


left the park, it w 


got five surprises in a midsea- 
son start against Cleveland. He 
allowed just six hits in seven 
and two thirds innings. Too bad 
for Hough that five of the hits 
were homers. The Indians 
scored seven times in the game 
but never had a runner in scor- 
ing position. 

When Bad Things Happen to 
Good Pitchers II—Die Harder 
In August, the Astros Jim 
Clancy got blasted without real- 
ly pitching. Clancy failed to re- 
tire a single batter in a start 
against the Reds and had this 
to think about on his way to the 
showers: zero innings pitched, 
SIX „ seven runs and an 
infinite carned-run average. 
His replacement, Bob Forsch, 
took the ball and promptly sur- 
rendered nine hits in a row 
Then Forsch found his groove 
and held the Reds to ten more 
ru 


Milwaukee's Robin Yount 


(318, 21 homers, 103 R.B.l.s) 
won the American League 


МУР award over the Rang 
Ruben Sierra (.306, 29 hon 

119 R.B.Ls), illustra 
written rule of the Baseball 
Writers’ Association of Ameri- 
ca: When it's close, give it to the 
white guy Two years ago, 
Anglo-American Kirk Gibson 
(.290, 25 homers, 76 R.B.L.s) 
beat out African-American 
Strawberry (269, 39 homers, 
101 R.B.l.s) for the N.L. M.VP 

stuff: Yankees outheld- 
is Polonia got caught with 
his pants down in Minnesota. 
Convicted of illicit sex with a 
15-year-old girl, Polonia said, 
“Anybody can make the m 
take I made,” as though he'd 
overrun third base. Which, й 
way, he had. Boston batsman 
Wade Boggs had swingus inter 
ruptus with Margo Adam: 
ex-shoplifier who event 
lified his wallet For 
Dodger and Padre Steve G: 
vey, who once specialized in 
grounding into double plays, 
doubled up in a new way. As the 
dreaded Impregnator y 
stalked women Schwarzeneg- 


ger style until they either married him or 
bore his seed, or both. And some joker сусп 
scrawled ruck race on the handle of Orioles 5 
second sacker Billy Ripken's bat before he 
is baseball card. The card trig- 
un on “Fuck Face” futures and 


posed for 


After the fans settled down, the 
Appalachian Leagues home-run king got 
а $1000 reward and a bit of bad news. 
Since his 10,000,000-to-one shot had not 
ruled a double. 
Rangers knuckle baller Charlie Hough 


nd up selling for $ 
пе California Angels handcuffed their 
ace, Bert Blyleven, to a post in the dugout. 
aid Blyleve 


which 


SCOUTING 
Your favarite team brings its rookie stor up from the minars. 
The kid lacks lost. Ta the casual eye, ils a mystery how he ever 
made his high schaal team. The scouts eye is sharper. 
"Не may not lack like much ot first. Kids press themselves, 
and its a game of relaxation. You can't hit or pitch if you're 


tense,” says Dick Bagard, scouting director for the world-cham- 


pion As. "But о good prospect always shows you something. 
Fit ard 50ish, with the coreer scouts year-round tan, Bogard 
knaws what to look for. 

He laoks first at physique. A big, quick Jose Canseco-style 
frame is the obvious ideal, but Bogard doesr't ignore smaller 
players. Nat if they have what every scout calls baseball in- 
stinct. “Is his initial reaction ta go to the ball, or does he let the 
ball play him?” Beyand these basics, scauts evaluate hearts. 
"Does а kid work hard, or just da enough to get by? Does he 
slide hard? Does he bust his butt running to first base?” After 
recording his first impressions, the scaut lacks closer. Check that 
raokie hitter. Are his hands motionless оз the pitcher delivers 
the boll? That's a “still bat,” says Bogard. "Hes a defensive hit- 
ter. All he соп do is fight the boll off” The scout looks for 
rhythm—a short, quick stroke that begins with a rocking mo- 
tion ond gets the bat moving fast. 

Lack at the hitter's front elbow. As he starts his swing, does 
he straighten the elbow? Bad move; И wastes time. A good hit- 
ter keeps that elbow bent—the V of his forward arm leads the 
bat straight to the ball. Good hitters use the off field, too. 
Many young sluggers spend brief big-league careers trying to 
pull pitches they can't reach. “Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire 
still get into that rut, pulling off the bell. But when they're going 
good, yav'll see them hit bolls ta the opposite field,” Bogord 
says. He remembers falling in love with a high school hitter in 
1972: “Robin Yount could drive thot outside pit 

What the scaut prizes in young hurlers is flui 
one-piece motion, eoch part of the pitchers body mov- 
ing straight at the catcher’s mitt. Two other clues sound like 
civil-defense terms: command and control. Control is 
imply throwing strikes. Command is the ability to 
pitch to spats, dissecting hitters by explaiting their 
weaknesses. The rare kid pitcher with both 
command and 


—a smooth, 


control —like. 
the Orioles’ Ben 
McDonold—is a potential 
rookie of the yeor. 
Bogard sees 1200 ta 1500 
scouting reports a year. He trusts 
only his awn eyes and the views 
of his 20-mon staff. Any youngster 
of serious interest ta the As will see 
Bogard himself behind the backstap at a high school 
or college game. “I wish they'd all come play in my living 


room.” says Oakland's top scout, who spends his summers criss- 
crossing the cauntry loaking at prospects. Still, the job has its 
perks: “I've got a lot of frequent-flier miles.” 


Orwellian (Jesse Helmsish?) nonword 
ted the World Series, where 
Bleep bleep 
of eloquence. Fe 
copy It 
ns of the 


bleep bleep,” he sa 
What Canseco does, oth 
was a bleeping bad moment f 


secede from the 
teams they can beat. Russi 


games four most respecied words, two of 
e combi 

You want kink 
trayed every kid who ever 
the night he was banned from the 
game—Pete Rose hawked $40 baseballs оп 


ations of the other two. 
On the night he be- 
id head first— 


the Cable Value Network. 

It was a shaky fall for Giants 
hurler Don Robinson. He was 
11-8 going into September, 
then limped home 1—3 on a 
dead knee. Robinson, called 
Caveman for his 240-pound 
frame and Cro-Magnon looks, 
gutted out the pennant drive 
оп cortisone shots and a knee 
brace that made his right leg 
look like a grain silo. He was in 
the bull pen at Candlestick, 
warming up for his first World 
Series appearance, when the 
earth moved. The Sony-made 
scoreboard blinked, then dis- 
played a series of Japanese 
characters. Was the message wE 
жи. воку vou? Was it we WILL 


mov you? Robinson didn't wait 
for a translation. He hustled to 
his cave and iced his knee. 
Eleven days later, on October 
28, he made his series debut. 


finally brought some sense to 
1989, beating the Caveman 9-6 
10 sweep the series. Alter the 
longest on ever, the best 
team won 

Oakland is still the best team. 
Thats why I'm picking the 
Mets. The best team wins the 
series twice in a row about as 
oft 5 the series features а 
ake delay I think the A's will 
ar themselves out wearing 
down the Royals and the An- 
gels in the games best division 
Oakland will rebeat the Jays in 
the A.L. play-olls, then lose to 
Doc, Darryl, Frank and Franco 
another crooked classic. 

It might go like this. 

Late in the season, Oakland 
phenom Felix Jose goes 0—4, 
distracted by As fans either 
name or mourning 


Lamborghini 
in a school zone—inside the 
school). The Royals keep расе 
in Baltimore as Во Jackson 
steals home in the 12th, knock- 
ing O's backstop Teuleton into 
the upper deck. “What is tl 
diddley?" says Bo, bru 


Froot Loops off his shoulder. 
The Jays, leading Milw 
by ten, win their tenth str 


akee in the East 
ht on a Junior 


cleveland and Detroit 
ast and go looking for 
5, maybe. 


Yankee owner George Steinbrenner over- 
rules his cronies. He gives manager Bucky 
Dent а new title, Special Advisor in Charge 
of Deli Sandwiches, and brings Billy Mar- 
tin back to run the team. “The team looks 
dead,” says Steinbrenner. “I say it's time to 
put the fear of God in these million-dollar 
crybabies" He hires a trance channeler 
who relays Martin's signals via the club- 
house I V—a SportsChanneler. Ihe new 
managersfirstdirective: “Steal, youbleeps.” 
Canseco escapes and returns in time to 
make the 40-40-44 club. He hits 40 home 
runs, steals 40 bases and carries a 44 Mag- 
Oakland wins the A.L. 
jes when he shoots his 
way out of a rundown between home and 
third. “Made their day, didn't we?” he says, 
trading bashes with McGwire. In the 
play-offs, Strawberry hits а pennant- 
ning 500-footer off Dodger reliever Jay 
Howell. Lasorda, down to 110 pounds after 
a grueling seven games, goes on a linguine 
bender that doubles his weight in a week. 
New York wins the first three games of 
the Redeye Classic on shutouts by Gooden, 
Viola and Fernandez. Oakland t the 
next three as manager Tony LaRussa goes 
to a one-man rotation (“All Stewart, all the 
time”). In game seven, Dave Stewart duels 
Gooden, Darling, Franco and Iguana Man 
Machado into the 15th. Pitching left-hand- 
ed since the ninth, when his right arm fe 
off, Stewart walks pinch hitter Tim Teufel 
He goes 3—2 on Machado, batting for him- 
self because Johnson is out of hitters. 
Machado shuts his eyes and slaps a one- 
hopper past Lansford into the left-field 
corner. Weiss’s relay to the plate is inches 
off line and Teufel slides around the tag. 
In the locker room, Machado sprays re- 
porters with champagne. “I see the ball 
good, I feel good and T hit the bleep out of 
it,” says the winning pitcher and series 
МУР “Hey, any of you guys got a lizard?” 


AMERICAN 


LEAGUE 


The Blue Jays fussed and feuded for 
three years under jittery Jimy Williams, 
then replaced him with Clark Kent. The 
mild-mannered Kent ducked into one of 
the SkyDome' luxury phone booths and 
became Cito Gaston, super manager. The 
Jays went 77-49 for Gaston and won the 
East on the season's final weekend. This 
year, they should be in full Might by 


“GOLD 


/ The taste breaks through. 


THESYMBOLOF 
"QUALITY. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


PLAYBOY 


146 


August, as the rest of the division self-de- 
structs. If healthy, Toronto is the only East 
team with any resemblance to the domi- 
nant clubs in the West. The Jays have the 
best offense in the East; they trailed 
Boston in bauing average in 1989 bur 
clubbed 34 more homers and swiped 88 
more bases. Mookie Wilson, 
who sparked them through last 
seasons pennant drive after 
coming over from the Mets, will 
be on board from the start 
in 1990. The only ballplayer 
def enough to get a Spike Lee 
character named after him 
(Do the Right Thing might have 
flopped Mets style with a hero 
named, Howard), Mookie 
spurs a line-up that features 

ge Bell, Fred 
ruber, plus 
Velcro-gloved shortstop Tony 
Fernandez and маг child 
Junior Felix. The speedy Felix 


had an inside-the-park grand 
slam last year. Rookies Glenal- 
len Hill and John Olerud will 


push for 


а Maserati, leads the 
mound corps in the East. 
Jays are ten games better than 
the Brewers and the Bosox, 
15 better than the Orioles and 
the Yanks and 20 better than 
the Indians; their wives are bet- 
ter than the Tigers. Citos men 
by ten. 

If healthy. St 
Key and Al Leiter spent the 
winter with their arms on ice. 
Gruber has a bad right hand: 
he cant sign an autograph 
without wincing. If the Jay: 
out of the hospital for once, 
Toronto may be spared another 
play-off loss to the Bashers 
from the Bay. 

Milwaukee's bruise: crew lost 
its pit bull, second baseman Jim 
Gantner, when Yankee scrub 
Marcus Lawton clipped Dog 

irty slide last August. 
ntner was out for the season 
and may never be the same. 


oldy bei 


ers Jimmy 


Lati 


with 


for the 


Dito the Brewers, who Cath 
hed a buterfingered and batty 
boring 81-81. Their defense pu 


respec: 


would have emba 


softball teams. Starter Teddy 


Higuera struggled with а bad 
back and got no help from an 
inheld that made 96 errors. 
The attack, starring Robin Yount, third 
baseman 


Paul Molitor, septuageı n 
e Parker and rookie outfielder 
ughn, will be potent enough. 
strung shortstop Gary Sheffield, 
Dwight Gooden's nephew, may live up to 
his bloodlines with help from ex-slugger/ 


nouncer.” 


ager Don B. whom the 
Brewers hired 10 serve as Sheffield’s role 
model. But the suddenly lite Brews need 


premium performa 


Nick Esasky took his 30 home runs to 


FACTOIDS 


Mickey Hatcher, the Dodgers’ square peg, got hurt twice last 
year. Early in the summer, he hurt his hamstring chasing a cou- 
ple of rock-throwing kids away from his house. Also in 1989, 
Hotcher pulled a groin muscle moving furniture in his house. 

Last fall, а team of Eastern Leogue players went on с 
minaret-storming tour of the Soviet Union. The American 
nor-leaguers, accompanied by a K.G.8. agent, 
fy Lenin's land. In a game against the Soviet national team at 
Kievs Olympic Stadium capacity 100,000—they drew 200 
fans. Our boys set détente back a bit by beating the Borscht 
Belters 13—0 and 22- O in their first two games, but all was for- 
given when the U.S. squad made its most historic contribution 
to the international pastime— introducing the Russian players 
to chewing tobacco. 

Nobody noticed, but in the final game of the World Series, 
the Giants pulled off an unusucl stunt. In the seventh 
game four, they hit for the cycle in reverse. Greg Litton hom- 
ered, Candy Maldonado tripled, Brett Butler doubled and Rob- 
by Thompson singled. 

Will “the Thrill” Clark's answering machine played a golden 


fore the beep: The Thrill Is Gone. 


Cardinals rookie Tim Jones played one gome at catcher in 
1989 So what? He was the first player named Jones to catch in 
a big-league game in 105 years. 

Don Sutton, who won 324 games for the Dodgers, the As- 
tras, the Brewers and the Angels, is now a color man for the 
Braves’ broadcasts on TBS—hes the next “thinking-manis on- 
Sutton hes a colorful insiders lexicon. He calls a 
brush-bock pitch а “foceball,” a slider a “slide piece" and a 


еге curve "el cambio grande.” 


Last March, first baseperson Julie Crateau of St. Mary's Col- 
lege become the first woman to play college baseball. She had 
no hits but fielded flawlessly. 

in October, Baseball Chapel—ihe Christian organization 
thet provides Sunday church services for major-league ploy- 
ers—launched its “Ной of Faith.” The Chopel’s first inductee 
was not Preacher Roe or Angel Salazar but Baseboll Chapel’s 
own president Bobby Richardson, wha coaches Jerry Falwell’s 
teom at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. 

Right-handed pitcher Greg A. Harris—not to be confused 
the 
Greg W. Harris — 
was only 4-4 


Padres’ 


Phillies 
Red Sox 


last year, but he's 


in one 
t. Harris 


can also pitch left- 
handed. 


The Red Sox think they can re- 
os Quintana, who hit 
ШЕП nty times last year, 
the Sox we nd after eight inn 
they came back to win zero times. 
thought they'd re-signed long reliever 
Mike Smithson. But no! А front-office 


Atlanta. 
place him with С 


ight invalidated his contract and 
ithson went to the Angels. Future 
operstowners Roger Clemens and Jeff 
Reardon cement a passable pitching staff, 
but catcher Tony Pena—drooling at the 
Green Monster alter three years of uying 


at ALL. breaking stuff. Rookie 
Mickey Pina will help in the 
outheld, but this doomed fran- 
chise is epitomized by pitcher 
John Dopson. Never heard of 
Dopson? He led the majors 
with an astounding 15 balks, 
seven more than his closest 
competitor. 

“Iwo years ago, they spent ev- 
ery single day of the scason in 
last place. Last season, they 
hung tough until their Rookie 
of the Year Gregg Olson, 
bounced an eighth-inning 
curve on the final weekend. It 
could have happened only in 
baseball's weakest div but 
give the Orioles credit. They 
pulled off the turnaround of 
the decade with defense, young 
pitching and mirrors. The best- 
fielding team in big-league his- 
tory, they made just 87 errors, 
fewer than the Brewers’ infield. 
With Olson, Bob Milacki and 
Pete Harnisch. plus the com- 
manding arm of rookie Ben 
MeDonald, they have the pitch- 
ing staff of the Nineties—the 


ng of 


late Nineties. This year, the 
mirrors crack. A club that 
yains 33 games in one season is 


bound to give some of them 
back. Juan Bell, kid brother of 
Toronto's George Bell, is a nat- 
ural short tstop who won't play 


Jr. has played 1250 games іп а 
row Bell will unseat his kid 
brother, obscene-baseball-card 
star Billy Ripken, at second. 
Dont you feel soi 
Steinbrenner? Me el- 
atting on his over- 
stuffed duff in the owner's box 
at Yankee Stadium, he msists 
that this is the year hell turn 
the Yankees around. He tops 
other teams’ offers for primo 
free agents—$3,500,000 more 
for Mark Davis than Davis got 
from the Royals—and burns 
when they take less to play for human 
beings. Burn on, George. You deserve 
these candy stripers. The Bronx bomb 
shelter hasn't seen a full-season pennant 
since 1978, because the owner, like a kid 
s, thinks ball clubs are built 
s and 20 or 21 


collecting 


with three or four s 


©1990 Bud Dry Beer, Anheuser-Busch, INC., 


SMOOTH TASTE 
NO AFTERTASTE 


St Louis, мо. 


DRVTHERERESHNG TURN TASTE 


PLAYBOY 


148 


interchangeable parts. He has the stars in 
s Don Mauingly and Steve Sax and 
pitcher Dave Righetti. The rest is conf 
sion. After dealing off quick young arms 
for a decade, Steinbrenner suddenly real- 
Hawkins was no Whitey 
Ford. He sent Rickey Henderson, the best 
player in the game, ю Oakland for hurlers 
Land Eric Plunk and sex of- 
Luis Polonia. Spurned by free 
s Davis and Mark Langston, he 
igned flying squirrel Pascual Perez (9—13 
п 1989) and got Tim Leary (8—14) for m 
nor-league batting champ Hal Morr 
Mattingly, Sax and Righetti deserve better, 
but you know what they say about pearls 
and porkers. 

“Lis a weird зат 


said catcher Sandy 
Alomar, Jr., two-time triple-A M.VP In the 
1988 and 1989 seasons, he hit over 300 
with 172 R.B.Ls for the Las Vegas Stars 
and was rewarded with 20 big-league at- 
bats. All-star to Santiago blocked his 
path to the plate in San Diego, so he asked 
to be traded. Alomar wanted to play in the 
majors. He got his wish—in weird, mon- 
key’s-paw fashion, He's with the Indians. 
With Alomar and rookie outhelders 
‚Joey Belle and Beau Allred, Cleveland has 
à decent nucleus to go with its strong start- 
ing pitching Greg Swindell, Bud Black 
and Tom Candiotti totaled 38 wins last se: 
son; bull-pen stopper Doug Jones saved 3 
But by the time the young hitters are ready 
to help, the rest of the | team will be old. 


ing of the Trib 
nandez and Tom Brookens, both 36 
"libe has also picked up 
failed National Leaguers—Chris 
Mitch Webster and Candy Maldor 
stand in the way of Belle and 


The 
whole outheld of 


єз, 
ido—to. 


Allred. 


looking 
d to 1990, Tigers manager Sparky 
on nodded sagely The man does 
everything sagely, including pulling your 
leg. “Sure am," he said, pausing for effect. 
“Not necessarily to the season, though. 
Andersons team toothless bunch. Last 
year, supposed slugger Alan Trammell hit 
five home runs in 449 at-bats. Jack Mor 
who won more games in the Eighties than 
ny other pitcher, won six. And while for- 
mer Tiger Howard Johnson hit 36 homers 
and stole 41 bases for the Mets to rejoin the 
30-30 club, Detroit has only one member 
of the seven=seven club. Is the manage 
dreading the West Coast road trips? “Га. 
like to bypass California and Oakland,” he 
said, “and just slip up there to Seattle. 
б 

Are the Athletics tough enough? The 
only pennant winners to repeat since 1978, 
the only series sweepers since 1976, they 
ruled the game in what should have bee 
down усаг, Jose Canseco went dow 
three months, Closer Dennis Eckersle 
starter Bob Welch, shortstop Walt We 
and corner п Carney Lansford and 
Mark McGwire all spent time on the D.L. 
In mid-June, the As were one game ahead 


for 


ss 


of the Angels. Then came Rickey. He hit 
“just” .294 for Oakland during the regula 

season but left cleat marks all over Octo- 
ber. His post-season stats: a 441 batting 


average, three homers, eight. R.B.l.s in 
ames, П steals. Henderson stole so 
the play-offs he might as well have 


had Jays catcher Ernie Whitts scalp in his 
pocket. He led the 
Is. This ye 
Brock all-time stolen-base record. М, 
шег Tony LaRussa, who saw Cansecos 
famous 40-40 season up close, calls Hen- 
derson baseball's most dangerous pl. 

And thats just the lead-off man. 
Canseco, whose million-Ioot blast in game 
four of the play-ofis left a dent in the Sky- 
Domes roof, wont miss the first three 


AMERICAN 


FAGUE 


months this year. He played just 65 games 
last year but plated 57 runs, a pace that 
projects to 142 R.B.Ls over 162 games. 
Lansford (.336), McGwire (33 dings), 
steady shortstop Weiss, rock-solid Dave 
Henderson and D.H. Ken Phelps complete 
the attack 

And that’s just the oflense. Dave Stewart 
may have Snow White's voice, but his fork- 
ball is a wicked witch. His past may be 
marred by a stint as Steve Howes body- 
guard (he used to block the fans’ view 
while coke hend Howe tooted in the 
Dodgers bull pen), а scary run-in with a 
hooker who had a secret (“Lucille” was a 
man) and the pitchers worst indignity (he 
was cut by the Phillies), but the Аз ace has 
now won 62 games in three years. Welch, 
Moore and Scott Sanderson should 
each win 15 10 20 in 1990. And Eckersley, 
the control freak who walked three men all 
year, is the games best closer. 
nough? 

Not this time, say the Royals. John 
Wathan’s club has improved its stellar 
stal—led by A.L. Cy Young winner Bret 
Saberh; by paying $13,000,000 on a 
contract for N.L. Cy Young man 
Davis is the games best lefty 
Kansas City lefties had 
Real stat: The Royals 
ghues Jolf Montgomery 


Mark Dav 
closer. Royals stat 


э saves li 
didn’t ne 
and Steve 


1 yc 
any; 


arr had 18 apiece, Still, signing 
1 ca 


one Davis makes sense— Wath: 
Montgomery 
ng two doesn't. Kansas Ci 


now 
n. 
other 


und Far 


new Davis, Storm, w 
) but had а 4.3 


A. ans 
with а lesser team. | have nothing 
against a club that puts George Brett and 
jim enreich on the field every day, and 
Bo Jackson is already one of the 20 best 
players in history. National League refugee 
Gerald Perry will hit 300 if his shoulder 
doesn't separate every time he brushes his 
tecth. But there are two things 10 hate 
about the. Royals. Рог one, Jackson de 
manded a $1,900,001 salary—a dollar 
more than Ruben Sierra wanted from Tex- 
ly need a bucks worth of 
ego boost? ГЇ also have trouble rooting for 
а team that wants Storm Davis. After the 
ten-day quake delay in last year's series, he 
bitched because ussa started Stewart 
instead of him. Whiners finish second. 

Cowboy zillionaire Gene Autry will pay 
Mark Langston $16,000,000 over five 
уе Langston will be 34 ın 1994. Maybe 
no one told the owner that 34-year-old 
arms—Nolan Ryan's excepted—are a mila 
dozen. But the 82-year-old Autry wants to 
see his Angels in the series before he see: 
y real angels. He's paying Li 
$100,000 per start to help make it happ 
There's no reason to think that the team's 
other starters can match their celestial 
1989, or that the Angels will again lead the 
league in homers, or that the right fielder 
will ever stop hearing the heckl audell, 
have you stopped beating your wife?" Still 
Doug Rader is a players manager—he 
gave up his number so Langston could 
wear number Hell keep the halos 
loose. They can stick with the As if the 
pitching holds up; Autry might ride into 
the sunset a winner 

I used to hate the Mariners because 
fungal skinflint George Argyros owned 


HOW TO SEE A 
BREAKING BALL 
Folk wisdom Каз it 
that a slider oppears 
to have a red dot on 
it Meybe Ted Wil- 
liams, with his 20-10 
vision, saw a dat. Other 
hitters just see red. Since 
(qo breaking balls spin quick- 
Y ly, the red seams on the 
| ball seem to redden 
them. A fastball “looks 
whiter” 
There's another way 
to tell breaking stuff 
zs from gos. Watch the 
pitcher wrist. IF his wrist is facing you, 
its a fastball. If his wrist is sideways, ex- 
pect something bent. 
Now all you have to do is hit it. 


¢ he sold the 
» Indianapolis, 
oder 


them. Now I like then 
club to a couple of gu 
the best town that neve 
n ue Ms, 


“I knew I'd found the right woman. 
Her face showed I'd also found the ш wi. 


Designs CY ciel) S 
near you, and for our | weed 


PLAYBOY 


you. Last year, you drew only 1,300,000 
ns—maybe the fans stayed away because 
you finished 26 games out of first. Maybe 
they'd pay to see real ball and keep you in 
Seattle, If so, its too bad you're getting bct- 
ter. You have а good young pitching staff, 
and new first baseman Pete O'Brien is go- 
ing to love hitting Domers in that comfy. 
park of yours. Kid hitters Ken Griffey, Jra 
and Greg Briley will be all-stars soon. Ditto 
bull-pen stopper Mike Schooler. Theres 
help on the farm, all the way from Calgary 
to Wausau. But go ahead, Seattle fans. Stay 
away. Make Indy's day: 

Nolan Ryan's Rangers started fast last 
April, then limped all the way home. It 
wasnt К) ult He was better than ev- 
er. Не won 16 and led the league with 301 
Ks, exactly 100 more than N.L. str 
king José DeLeon. At 42, Ryan was the 
most effective pitcher in the big leagues. It 
wasnt Sierras fault either. The shoulda- 
been M. ruled the A.L. in most offen- 
sive categories (but not most-offensive, 
Canseco's domain). The culprit wasnt all- 
second baseman Julio Franco (.316), 
rookie starter Kevin Brown (3.35) or closer 
Jeff Russell, It was Лот Grieves karma. 
‘The aptly named general manager traded 
wild man Mitch Williams for sweet-swing- 
ing Rafael Palmeiro, who hit a silent 275 
as Williams led the Cubs to the play-offs. 
Grieve counted on a big year from starter 
Bobby Witt; Witt went 12—13 and walked 
people who weren't even in the ball park. 
By July, the pitching plan was “Ryan and 
and pray we dont drown, 
ry Petüs, who 
ve т runners from third with fewer 
than two out (he was 0 for April, 
June, July and August in that stat). Ре! 
the glove the Rangers need in center but 
has hit just five homers in three years. Tex 
as has three promising rookies who will 
play a lot when the team drops out of the 
race; Grieve hopes it won't be in June. 

For ateam that play home game: 
closet, Minnesota doesn't hit many homers. 
First baseman Kent Hrbek led the Hump- 
domers with 25. No one else hit 20, They 
don't have many good pitchers. Allan 


derson won 17, nobody else more than u 
They don't have Frank Viola and Jeff Rear- 


don, series heroes from way back in 1987. 
The Twins wont win many games, but 
they do have the funnest player in base 


ball. Now that Eric Clapt 
man, Kirby Puckett is God. 

Last May, Tom “Vander” Drees of the 
acouyer Canadians—Chicago’s triple-A 
affiliate—threw two no-hitters in a row He 
tossed another in August. Drees was the 
first guy in 37 years to rack up three no- 
hitters in a season. The White Sox never 
brought him up. 


is a beer 


. 

The Flushing Mets started their spin 
down the toilet in the pre-season, when 
rap master Darryl Strawberry rapped 
Keith Hernandez on the noggin during 
team photo shoot. Then Dwight Gooden’s 
shoulder went south. Second baseman 


Gregg Jefferies devolved from teenage 
ninja to major-league Нор. Front-oflice 
suits banished center fielder Len Dykstra 


NATIONAL 
LEAGUE 


and stopper Roger McDowell to Philly and 

el He hit .228 and 
ce of the Ener- 
gizer bunny. Then, ignoring the lesson of 
Do the Right Thing (Mookie wins), they 
shipped Wilson to Canada. They did man- 
age to swipe Frank Viola from the Twins, 
and 30—30 third sacker Howard Johnson 
made a run at М.УР, but 1989 was lost 
ndez finished with 19 R.B.Ls. Stra 
y played the field like the Mighty 
pproaching fly balls that landed at 
feet with a look that said, “That aint 
my style” 

Still, winning baseball is all about pitch- 
ing ("Without the pitcher, you throw the 
ball around the horn, and then it just sits 
there on the mound,” Casey Stengel would 
have said). The Mets have a royal flush in 
Gooden, Viola, Sid Fernandez, D: 
and John Franco. They will rule the wilt- 
ing Fast. Jefferies will play in the All-Star 
Game if the Cubs’ Ryne Sandberg o 
Padres’ Roberto Alomar falters. The suits 
will find the center fielder to replace Sam- 
uel, bat lead-off and save manager Dave 
s job. Kevin McReynolds, Hojo 
and Strawberry will combine for 100 home 
wberty stat: After seven big- 
league seasons, he has 215 homers; in his 
first seven years, Willie Mays hit 216. The 
spoiled fans who dissed hin last fall 
will spend September chanting “Darryl! 

Whitey Herzogs view of 1990 
dipped as his crewcut: “We can compete.” 
Herzog's Cardinals will try to match New 
York's Gooden and Viola with José DeLcon 
and Bryn Smith. Bull-pen ace Todd Wor- 
rell is out until July, at least, First baseman 
Pedro Guerrero, who carried the offense 
last year, hasn't been healthy two years in a 
row since the 1985 season. Tony Pena now 
swings for the fences in Boston. The out 
look isn't brilliant for the Redbird nine, but 
looks can deceive, Take Whiteys һа! 
Please. On TV, it looks white; up close, it’s 
more of a uric yellow, Take Репа delec- 
tion. 1 looks like a debit, but rookie 
catcher Todd Zeile (who must be resilient; 
he’s married to Olympic gymnast Jul 
McNamara) is better than Репа. Pitchers 


DeLeon and Smith secretly pitched their 
back pockets off last year. Ozzie Smith 
longer backflips on opening day, but hi 


MONEY 

In 1949, Joe DiMag- 
gio became the first 
player to тске 
$100,000 a year. 

In 1989, 4 
major-leaguers 
made at least 
$1,000,000. 
Dan Mat- 
tingly will 
make more 
this seasan 
than DiMaggio 

made in his entire career Why the sud- 
den jackpot far ballplayers? The owners 
asked for it. 

By conspiring ta hald salaries down in 
1985 and again in 1986, the chiefs of the 
baseball industry saved millions. They 
got caught in 1987 and ore naw reaping 
the whirlwind. Far the first time in 119 
years, the players are earning their fair 
market value, and the owners don't like 
it one bit. Like the rabber barons of an 
earlier age, they dort think fair is fair. 

Three million dallars sounds like a lot 
for hitting а ball with а stick, but the 
Knicks’ Patrick Ewing makes four mil for 
tossing one through a hoop. Baxer Mike 
Tyson makes a million a minute. Joker 
Jack Nicholson gat $11,000,000 for 
dancing around in purple tie and tails. 
Michael Milken mode billions milking 
corporations. These ore all worthy pur- 
suits. Whining when your pocket’ full of 
money is nat, ond make no mistake— 
the owners’ ore full of it. Baseball broke 
its all-time attendance record lost seo- 
son. The previaus record hod been set in 
1988. The recard before thot had been 
set in 1987. Tickets naw cost more than 
ever, further lining the teams’ pockets. 
The same goes for parking, peanuts and 
Crocker Jacks. And then theres TV. The 
‘owners’ new network cantracts meon 
$14,420,000 per team per yeor—thot 
alane is enough to pay many big-league 
payralls. And that's not caunting lacal 
TV rights, which odd fram $5,000,000 
ta $42,000,000 per team. Sa the next 
time you hear an awner тооп, “These 
salaries are going to ruin me,” you 
shauld boo. 

In the meantime, lift а light beer ta 
the best buys in the game, the 1989 
Econa All-Stars: pitcher Gregg Olson 
($70,000), catcher Mickey Tettleton 
($290,000), first baseman Mark Grace 
($140,000), second baseman Roberta 
Alomar ($150,000), shortstop Jeff 
Blauser ($82,000), shortstop Barry Lar- 
kin ($302,500) and outfielders Ken 
Griffey, Jr. ($68,000), Jerome Walton 
($68,000) and Roberto Kelly ($80,000). 


n pl i 


$4250 And Youre In. 


Some people will do just about anything to get but thought it was too expensive to get into. ЇЇ you've been 
their hands on a Harley-Davidson: Others don't have what sitting on the fence, take a look at the Sportster” 883. Even 
it takes to be a Harley" owner. Still others are somewhere at $42507 it's 883cc5 of genuine Harley-Davidson. In other 
inthemiddle. Maybe they've always wanted a new Harley, words, you're probably out of excuses. Are you in? 


151 


PLAYBOY 


152 


uniform number still matches his all-time 
rank among shortstops. Take the odds; put 
a few dollars on the grand master of man- 
agers, who always finds a way to compete 
One day, the Cubs will be 162-0 going 
into the play-offs. In the ninth ng of 
game seven—after Greg Maddux walks 
е Giants to erase a 6-0 lead— Don Zim- 
ner will let Maddux face Will C 
will bunt. The lights at М 
and go out. Clark will find his way home 
for a 15-foot slam and the Cubs will lose. 
"That's what makes them the Cubs. They'll 
have the best outfield in the N.L. this yea 
if Andre Dawson's knee is healed. And 
when young third baseman Лу Griff 
m lowa to join shortstop 


5 saves while spraying the 
seats with 0-2 fastballs. Still, for 18 more 
years, the Cubs will lose. They аге waiting 
the centennial ol my favorite T- 
AGO CUBS, WORLD CHAMPIONS. And. 
n smaller print, 1908 
Nine times last summer, Montre 
Wallach hit the ball at Pirates thi 
Bobby Bonilla. Six times, 
dh. 
defense “adequate” bu ving 
him from the hot plate at third to. 
the outfield, where center fielder Andy 
Van Slyke's Gold Glove skills might r 
Van Slyke and Bonilla, who com 
200 B.B.Ls a couple of years ago, are the 
girders of Sieeltown's order. Leyland has 
the foundations of a pitch i 
st 
not much else. In pr 
Walt Terrell and Ted Power, the 
called them “tough people, simple people.” 
Condemned by faint praise, Pittsburgh has 
a right be depressed 
In 1989, there were five horrend 
pitching staffs in the 19-team N.L. The P 
rates, the Astros, the Braves and the Reds, 
blast victims eight through 11, allowed 
from 595 to 607 earned runs. The 
Phillies gave up 644. two extra weeks? 
worth. Aside from Ken Howell, who was 
12-12, no Phillies starter won more than 
six. Rookie left-hander Combs will win 
the Cy Young before the millennium. Late- 
aning specialist. Roger McDowell, а 
quired from the Mets, was a and the 
offense isn't bad, but you wonder whether 
second-year manager Nick Leyva has a 
plan. Last September, trailing by four runs 
in the eighth inning, the Phils had no ou 
and a 3—0 count on first baseman Ricky 
Jordan. Leyva let Jordan swing 
When you call the Expos’ front office, a 
woman with a voice like Grand Marnier 
says, “Allo, les Expos.” She puts you on 
hold and the tape al 
that except for left fielder 
who will finish 1990 elsewhere 
man Andrés Galarraga and young hitte: 
Marquis Grissom and Larry Walker, Mon- 
treal may as well be Asheville, Sacre 
merde—les Expos could lose 100 games. 


shirt: с 


Is Tim 
d base- 
Bonilla 


NATIONAL 
LEAGUE 


lost weight and his 

The 1989 Dodgers 
they just crashed, scos 
g 74 fewer runs than they did in 1988. 
They led the big leagues in pitching, as 

sual—due partly to the thick air at low- 

lying Dodger Stadium and partly to its 
notoriously high mound—but terrain can't 
explain the hitters’ 74-run shortfall. One 
reason for that w: ham- 
string. Torn in the championship post-sea 
son of 1988, it never healed. Gibson played 
half a season at half speed. Next up: firs 
baseman Fddie Murray. After 12 years in 
Baltimore, Murray was slow to adjust to 
N.L. smoke. He still led the team with 20 
homers (another department in which they 
trailed the world). All the Т.А. hitters 
seemed to be on low-stat diets. Center 
der John Shelby, who hit 31 homers in 
the pre y ted one. He hit 
183 with 12 К.В. Without his horses, all 
of Tommy's hugs and all of hi 
couldn't put the Dodgers togetl 
Hershiser pitched nearly as well asin 198: 
when he won 23, and had to go 11 innings 
on the season's last day to finish 15—15. 

So general manager Fred Claire got La- 
sorda some bats. New to the blue are Juan 
amuel and Hubie Brooks, proven right- 
handed hitters who will balance the 
league's most improved line-up. Neither is 
much of a glove, but then, neither аге 
cumbent outfielders Gibson and 
Daniels, Brooks may wind up at third or 
nuel may play second. Even so, the L.A. 
outfield won't win any Gold Gloves—may- 
be a tumbling award or two or three. At 
least newcomers Brooks and Samuel can 
say, “I lost it in the smog.” But if Lasorda 
can find room for everyone, his club will 
provide the firepower that blanked out la 
year. Hershiser, Tim Belcher, sca 
Ramon Martinez, off-season shark hunter 
John Wetteland and bull-pen ace Jay How- 
ell are a cut fastball above the competition. 
Peering down off their lofty perch, they'll 
njoy protecting a few leads, / 
and famine run in cycles, L. 
match 1988 with New York in the № 

The Padres got southpaw 
"Leflty" Lefferts to take over for depa 
reliever Mark Davis. Big deal. They got Joe 
Carter to play center and drive in 190 
runs. Big deal. Last year, they picked up a 


“Tommy Lasorda 
team turned anemic 
n't crash-diet; 


lefty (Bruce Hurst) and a clean-up hitter 
(Jack Clark), took four months to learn one 
another's names and finished second. Now 
they say they're ten games better. It’s a 
Kroc. This is a fine team—I love second 
baseman Roberto Alomar, utility-bip Bip 
Roberts and, most of all, right fielder Tony 
Gwynn, who went to the final day last sea- 
son trailing Will Clark by 0006, got three 
hits and won his third straight batting 
crown, But teams that revamp themselves 
every year seldom get around to winning. 
Their roster looks better than that of the 
more moderately retooled Dodgers, but 
theyre no cinch, and by August, they will 
wish they hadn't let Davis get away. 

Roger Craig swears he never fretted 
over the drubbing his team took in the 
World Series. “We lost four straight to a 
great ball club” How did he spend the off 
season? “Worked my ranch, drank whis- 
key, got in my whirlpool and relaxed.” he 
says. A sensible man, Graig knows that his 
Giants were not a great ball club. They 
rode Kevin Mitchell's great first half (31 
homers at the break, 16 after) and first 
baseman Clark's greatness (.333, 23 
homers, Ш R.B.Ls) to their best camp: 
since 1966. They won't repeat in the West— 
r pitching is nothing special and the 
six 10 eight slots in their batting order add 
nil to the attack. “We got a pretty good top 
hve,” says Craig, underselling Brett Butler, 
Kevin Bass, Clark, Mitchell and Matt 
Williams, “but this isn't basketball 

The Reds can win the West. If starters 
Danny Jackson and Jose Rijo stay strong, 
Lou Piniella’s clean-shaven crew can boast 
ten solid all-star candidates. Screwballer 
m Browning and fastballers Scott Scud- 
der and Jack Armstrong round out a 
promising rotation. Young guns Rob Dib- 
ble and Randy Myers rule the eighth and 
the ninth. Right fielder Paul O'N might 
Г Davis in the 30-30 «lub. And 
shortstop Barry Larkin deserves better 
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PLAYBOY 


154 


MIDSUMMER DAYDREAM рые oo 


“I did not take the money, Dortmunder said, as 
dignified as a turkey on Thanksgiving eve.” 


asa turkey on Thanksgiving eve. 
Kelp turned to his cousin: “Are you sure 
's gone?” 
Andy," said the cousin, drawing him- 
self up—or in—becoming even more 
dignified than Dortmunder, topping Dort- 
munder's king of dignity with his own ace, 
“this fellow is what he is, but you're my 
wife's blood relative.” 

"Aw, cuz,” Kelp protested. 
think E was an it with him, do you 

And that was the unkindest cut of all. 
Forgetting dignity, Dortmunder gazed on 
his former friend like a betrayed beagle. 
You, too, Andy?" 

“Gee whiz, John,” Kelp said, twisting 
back and forth to show how conflicted all 
this made him, “what're we supposed to 
think? | mean, maybe it just happened ac 
dental-like; you were bored, you know, 
walking around, you just picked up this 
cash without even thinking about it, you 
could. . 

Wordlessly, Dor nder frisked hi 
self, patting his pockets and chest, then 
spreading his arms wide, offering himself. 
for Kelp to seat 

Which Kelp didn't want to do. “OK, 
John,” he said, “the stuff isn't on you. But 
there wasn't anybody else аш here, just 
you, and you know your own rep—" 

“The donkey" Dortmunder said. 

Kelp blinked at him. “The what?” 

“The guy in the donkey head. He 
walked around from the back to the front, 
and then he walked around again from 
the front to the back. We nodded at each 
other.” 

Kelp turned his hopeful hubcaps in his 
cousins direction. 

“The guy with the donkey head, that’s 
who you—— 

“What, Kelly?” demanded the cousin. 
“Kellys my junior partner in this opera- 
tion! Нез n in it with me from the be- 
the director, he takes 
roles, he loves this theater! 
g at Dortmunder, exuding more 


vou don't 


this. “Is that your idea? Cover up your own 
ime by smearing an innocent mai 

“Maybe he did it for a joke,” Dortmunder 

id vengefully "Or maybe hes absent- 


s 
minded." 
Kelp, it 


as clear, was prepared to be- 
lieve absolutely anything, just so they 
сош all get past this social pothole. 
Cuz,” he said, "maybe so, maybe that’s it. 
Kelly's your partner; maybe he took the 
money legit, spare you the trouble, put itin 
the bank himself." 

But Bohker wouldn't buy it. "Kelly never 


touches the money” he insisted. “I’m the 
businessman, hes the artiste, he’s — Kel- 
ly!” he shouted through the entranceway, 
toward the stage, and vigorously waved his 
fat arm. 

Kelp and Dortmunder exchanged а 
glance. Kelp’s look was filled with a wild 


surmise; Dortmunder’s belonged under a 
halo. 
Kelly came out to join them, wiping his 


neck with a paper towel, saying, “Whats 
up?" He was a short and skinny man who 
could have been any age from nine to 14 or 
from 53 to 80, but nothing in between. 
The donkey head was gone, but that didn't 
make for much of an improvement. H 
real face wasn't so much lined as pleated, 
with deep crevices you could hide a nickel 
in. His eyes were eggy, with blue yolks, and 
his thi was unnaturally black, like 
xcept for the head, he was 
in the same dumb costume, the idea 
having been that the actors in bib over: 
nd black Eshirts were supposed to be 
some kind of workmen, like plumbers or 
whatever, and the actors dressed in cw 
tains and beach towels were aristocrats. 
Kelly had been the leader of the bunch of 
workmen who were going to put on the 
play within the play—oh, it was grim, it 
was grim—so here he was, still in his over- 
alls and Tshirt. And black work boots, so 
that he looked the same on the top and the 
bottom. "What's up?” he said. 
“ГИ tell you whats up” 
promised him and pointed at Kelp. 
troduced you to my wife's cousin from the 


ав, you did already.” Kelly, an impa- 
tient man probably wanting to get out ol 
his work clothes and into something a little 
more actorly, nodded briskly at Kelp and 
said, " How's it goin?” 

“Not so good,” Kelp said. 

“And (us, Bohker went on, pointing 
without pleasure at Dortmunder, “is my 
wife's cousins pal, also from the city, a fel 
with a reputation for being just а little 
light-fingered 
w, well," Dortmunder said. 

Kelly was still impatient: “Апа?” 

“And he lifted the gate!” 

This slice of jargon was just a 
showbizzy for Kelly 10 grab on the fly 
that; he looked around for a lifted g: 
acial pleats increasing so much he looked 
as though his nose might fall into one of 
the excavations. “He did what? 

Bohker exasperated at having to use lay 
terminology, snapped, “He stole the money 
out of the box office. 

“I did not," Dortmunder said. 

Kelly looked at Dortmunder as though 
hed never expected such treatment. "Gee, 


man,” he said, “thats our eating money” 

“1 didn't take it,” Dortmunder said. He 
was going for another run at dignity 

"Hes got the gall, this fella,” Bohker 
went on, braver about Dorununder now 
that he had an ally with him, “to claim you 
100k 

Kelly wrinkled up like a multicar colli- 
sion: “Me? 

“AI I said," Dortmunder told him, feel- 
ig his dignity begin to tatter, “was that 
you went around to the front of the 
theater. 

1 did not,” Kelly said. Being an actor, he 
had no trouble with dignity at all. 

So he did do it, Dortmunder thought, 
and pressed what he thought of as his ad- 
vantage ‚ you did. We nodded to 
each other. You were wearing your donkey 
head. It was about ten minutes before the 
show was over.” 

“Pal,” Kelly said, “ten minutes before the 
show was over, I was on stage, asleep in 
front of everybody, including your buddy 
here. And without my donkey head.” 
пас true, John,” Kelp said he 
fairies took the donkey head away just 
around then.” 

“In that case,” Dortmunder said, imme- 
diately grasping the situa had to be 
one of the other guys in bib overalls. They 
weren't all on stage then, were they?” 

But Bohker already had his mind made 
up. "Thats right,” he said. “That's what 
you saw, the big-town sharpie, when you 
came out of this box office right here, with 
the cash receipts in your pocket, and 
looked through that door right there in at 
that stage way back there, and saw Kelly 
was the only rustic on stage, and the don- 
ind — 
Dortmunder had missed 


something there. 
The donkey prop!” Bohker cried, get- 


ling angrier, pointing at his own head. 
“The head! Its a prop!” 
“Well, you know, Jesse,” Kelly said 


thoughtfully “in 
you know, they'd call it a costume." 

"Whatever it is,” Bohker snapped, wav- 
ing the gnats of showbiz cant away as 
though he hadn't summoned them up 
himself, then turning back to Dortmun- 
der: “Whatever it is, you saw it, or didn't see 
it, when you looked right through there 
nd saw Kelly asleep without his head, and 
none of the other rustics around, and right 
then you decided how you were gonna 
blame somebody else. And п here to tell 
you, it won't work!” 

Well, innocence wasnt апу help—over- 
rated, as Dorumunder. had long suspect- 
ed—and dignity had proved to be a 
washout, so what was lef? Dortmunder 
was considering violence, which usually 
tended at least to clear the air, when Kelp 
said, "Cuz, let me have a word in private 
with John, ОК? 

“That's all I ever asked," Bohker said, 
with false reasonableness. "Just talk to 
your friend here, explain to him how we 
do things different in the country, how we 


ome union productions, 


don't take advantage of the kindness of 
people who take us in when were on the 
run, how when we're away from the cily, we 


Dortmunder by the elbow, drawing him 
у from the ongoing flow, nodding and 
nodding as though Bohkers claptrap 
made any sense at all, turning Dortmun- 
der away, walking him back out toward the 
now nearly empty parking lot and across it. 
to a big old tree standing there with leaves 
all over it, and Dortmunder promised him- 
self, If Andy asks me even once did I do it, 
I'm gonna pop him. 

Instead of which, once they'd ге: 
the leafy pr 
and murmured, “John, ме 
here.” 

Dortmunder sighed, relieved and yet 
annoyed, “That's right.” 

"I dunno, the only thing I can think — 
How much did he say it was?" 

“Iwo something Something under 
three grand.” And that got Dortmunder 
steamed in an entirely different way. “lo 
think ГА stoop to grab such a measly 
amount of ^ 

‘Sure you would, John, if the circum- 
stances were different," Kelp said, cutting 
through the crap. “The question is, Can we 
cover it? 
“What do you mean, cover it? 

“Well, Jesse said if we give it back, hell 
forget the whole thing, no questions 
asked.” 

Now Dortmunder was really outraged. 
ean, let the son of a bitch go on 
g I'm a thief? 

Kelp leaned closer, dropping 
“John, you are a t 

“Not this t 

“What does er, John? You 
gonna convince him, so forget it. 

Dortmunder glared at the farmhouse, 
full now of actors, one of them with nearly 
three grand extra in his pocket. Probably 
looking ow indow right now, grinning 
at him. “It’s one of those guys,” he said. “I 
can't let him get away with it 

“Why not? And what are you gor 
play detective? John, we're not cops! 

“We watched cops work often enough.” 

“That isn't the same. John, how much 
money you got?” 

“On me?” Dortmunder gr 
tant even to discuss this 
the corner of his eye, he saw Kelly heading 
briskly toward the farmhou Why. 
couldn't it be him?” he demanded. “Part- 
ners steal [rom partners all the time. 

“He was on stage, John. How much mon- 
ey you ро?” 

"On me, a couple hundred. In the suit- 
case, back at your goddamn cousin's house, 
maybe a grand.” 

“I could come up with eight, nine hun- 
dred,” Kelp said. “Lets go see if we can cut 
a deal. 

“I don't like this,” Dortmunder said. “I 
don't go along with making restitution to 
begin with, and this is even worse: 


ched 


у of the tree, Kelp turned 


in a bind 


voice. 


never 


oused, reluc- 


idea, while out of 


Running out of patience, Kelp said, 
“What else are we gonna do, John?” 

“Search that farmhouse there. Search 
the theater. You think some amateur can 
hide a stash so we can't find 

“They wouldn't let us search,” Kelp 
pointed ош. “Ме aren't cops, we don't have 
any authority, we cant throw any weight 
around. That's what cops do; they don't 
detect, you know that. They throw their 
weight around, and when you say ‘Oof, 
you get five to ten in Green Haven. Come 
on, John, swallow your pride. 

"Im not gonna say I did it,” Dortmun- 
der insisted. “You wanna pay him off, we'll 
pay him off. But I'm not gonna say I did it." 

"Fine. Let's go talk to the man." 

They walked back to where cousin 
Bohker waited in the narrow trapezoid of 
shade beside the barn. “С said Kelp, 
“we'd like to offer a deal." 

"Admitting nothing," Dortmunder said 

“Two thousand, seven hundred twenty- 
four dollars," the cousin said. “That’s the 
only deal I know. 
"We cant quite come up with that 
nuch,” Kelp said, “on accounta John here 
didn't actually take your money. But we 
know how things look and we know what 
John’s reputation is — 


“Hey” Dortmunder said. “What about 

“ОК, fine. The reputations we both 
have. So we feel we'll try to make good on 
what you lost as best we can, even though 
we didn't do it, and we could probably 
come up with two thousand. In and 
around two thousand.” 
[wo thousand, seven hundred twenty- 
dollars,” said the cousin, “or I call the 


fou 
troopers. 

“Troopers?” Dortmunde 
“He's gonna call in the Army? 
te troopers, he means.” Kelp ex- 
and turned back to his cousin to 
“That wouldn't be a nice thing to do, 
cuz. Turn us over to the law and мете real- 
ly in trouble. Can't you take the two—”" 

“Two thousand, seven hundred twenty- 
four dollars.” said the co 

“Oh, the hell with this guy” Dortmun- 
der abruptly said. “Why don't we just go 
take a hike?” 

“I thought you might com h that 
next" the cousin answered. He was 
neared all over with smugness. "So that's 
why I sent Kelly for reinforcements.” 

Dortmunder turned, and there was Kel- 
ly back from the farmhouse, and with him 
Ill the other rustics. Five of them, still 
nd T-shirts, standing 


tared at Kelp. 


155 


there looking at Dortmunder and Kelp, getting а kick out of be- 
ing the audience fora change. 

Its one of them, Dortmunder thought. Нез standing there 
and Pm standing here, and it’s one of them. And Гиз stuck. 

Kelp said something, and then the cousin said something, 
and then Kelp said something else, and then Kelly said some- 
thing; and Dortmunder tuned out. It’s one of these five guys, he 
thought, One of these guys is a little scared to be out here, he 
doesn't know if he's gonna get a it or not, he's looking at 
me and he doesn't know if he's in trouble or not. 

Their eyes? No, they're all actors; the guys gotta know 
enough to behave like everybody else. But it's one of them. 

Well, not the fat one. You look at skinny Kelly there, and you 
see this fat one, and even with the donkey head on, you'd know 
it wasn't Kelly, having already seen Kelly in the If, wear- 
ing the donkey head, and knowing what he looked like. 

Hey, wait a minute, Same with the tall one. Kelly's maybe 5'5 
or 5'6", and here's a drink of water must be 6'4”, and he stands 
all stooped, so if he had the donkey head on, the donkey's 
would be on his belt buckle. Not him. 

Son of a gun. Two down. Three to go. 

Conversation went on, quite animated at times, and Dort- 
munder continued to study the rustics. That one with the 
beard, well, the beard wouldn't show inside the donkey head, 
but look how hairy he is anyway; lots of bushy black hair on his 
head and very hairy arms below the Tshirt sleeves, all that 
black hair with the pale skin showing through, With the donkey 
head on, he'd look maybe le too realistic. Would 1 have no- 
ticed? Would I have said, “Wow, up dose, that’s some hairy don- 
key?” Maybe, maybe. 

Shoes? Black work boots, black shoes; some differences, but 
not enough, not so you'd notice. 

Wait a minute. That guy, the one with the very graceful neck, 
the one who would be kept in the special block for his own pro- 
tection if he were ever given five to ten at Green Haven, the one 


who moves like a ballet dancer; his bib overalls have a crease. Not 
him. He could cover himself in an entire donkey and Га know. 
Number Guy in 04-205. average height, average 
weight. nothing in particular about him except the watch. He's the 
guy, during the first half, while I'm waiting for-it to be over, trying 
to find something to think about, he’s the guy with the pale mark 
around his wrist where he usually wears a watch, so it isn't tanned. 
And now he's wearing the watch. Did the guy who walked by me 
have a pale mark on his wrist? Would I have noticed? 
ohn? John!” 
nder looked around, s 


led out of his reverie. “Yeah? 


?" Kelp was lool ly wanted to 

know why Dortmunder wasn't frantic as well. “Do you think she 

could or not?” he demanded 
“I'm sorry,” Dortmunder said 


“1 didnt hear the question. Who 
ing, It’s either the hairy arms or 


hairy arms or watch. 

> Kelp said, elaborately patient. “Do you think 
phoned May, she could send us a grand to pay off my cousin 
arms or watch. Nothing shows on either face, nothing in 


‚you 


“Joh: 2 What's the matter with you?” 


Dortmunder said, and put a big smile on his face, and 


you got us, cuz. 
Kelp stared. “What?” 

h, we took the money” Dortmunder said, shrugging. "But it 

u know; we never meant to keep it” 


stood as er О lero ige len 
Kelly, cold and brisk, said, “Where is it?” 


Vell, I dont know exactly” Dortmunder said. “I gave it to my 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


neighbor of Bohker's kept in his back yard. He squawked, and 
then he cried, “John! You never did! 

“Not you," Dortmunder told him, “My other partner, the actor 
in the cast here that's an old pal of mine. I slipped him the money 
and he went and hid it in the house.” Hairy arms or watch; hairy 
arms or watch. Dortmunder turned and grinned easily at the kid 
with the pale band under his watch. “Didn't 12" he said. 

The kid blinked. “I don't get you,” he said. 

"Aw, come on; the gag's over,” Dortmunder told him. “If Boh- 
ker here calls his state troopers, ГЇ just tell them I gave you the 
money to hide and they'll go look in the house there and find it, 
and everybody knows 1 wa: 
now the gag is over, right? 

The kid thought about it. Everybody standing there watched 
the kid thinking about it, and everybody knew what it meant that 
the kid had something to think about. The kid looked around 
nd saw what it was that everybody knew, and then he laughed 
and clapped his hands together and said, “Well, we sure 
had them going there for a while, didn't we?” 

“We sure did." Dortmunder said. “Why don't you and me go in 
the house now and get the cousin his топе: ken 

Bohker, sounding tough, said, "Why don't we all go in and get 
the goddamn money?" 

“Now, now,” Dortmunder said, mild as could be, “why dont you 
let us have our little secrets? We'll go in and we'll come out with 
the money. You'll get your money back, cousin, don't worry.” 

Dortmunder and the kid walked across the parking lotand up 
the stoop and across the porch full of gaping actors and went into 
the house. The kid led the way upstairs and down the hall and 
into the third room on the left, which contained two narrow beds 
and two small dressers and two wooden chairs. “Hold it а sec- 
ond,” Dortmunder said, and looked around, and saw the one 
dresser drawer open about three inches. “Taped it to the back of 
the dresser drawer,” he said. 

“OK, OR, you herlock Holmes,” the kid said, sounding bit- 


never in that house, so it was you. So. 


ter. He went over and pulled the drawer out and put it on the 
bed. Masking tape held a bulky white envelope to the back of 
the drawer. The kid peeled it off and handed it 10 Dortmunder, 
who saw that it had a printed return address on the upper left 
согпет: ВОНКЕК & BOHKER. FERTILIZER & FEED. 

“How'd you figure it out?" the kid asked. 

“Your shoes,” Dortmunder said. Which was a variant on the 
old untied-shoelace gap, because when the kid looked down at 
his shoes, what he saw was Dortmunder' fist coming up. 

Outside again, Dortmunder crossed to the waiting rustics 
and held the envelope out in front of himself, flap open, so ev- 
erybody could see the money wadded inside. “ОК?” 

Kelly said, “Wheres Chuck 

“Resting,” 

Bohker reached for the envelope, but Dortmunder said, “Not 
yet, cuz,” and tucked the envelope inside his shirt 

Bohker glowered. “Not yet? What are you playing at, fella?” 
ou're gonna drive Andy and me to your house,” Dortmun- 
der told him, “and were gonna pack, and then you're gonna 
drive us to the bus depot, and when the bus comes in, ГЇЇ hand 
you this envelope. Play around, ГИ make it disappear again.” 

“Tm nota vengeful fella,” Bohker said. “AIL | care about is I 
get my money back.” 

“Well, that's one difference between us,” Dortmunder said, 
which Bohker maybe didnt listen to hard enough. 

Bohker's station wagon was one of the few cars left in the 
parking lot. Bohker got behind the wheel, his cousin Kelp be- 
side him, and Dorununder got in back with the old newspapers 
and cardboard cartons and fertilizer brochures and all the 
junk, and they drove off toward town. Along the way, Bohker 
looked in the rearview mirror and said, “I been thinking 
about what happened back there. You didn’t take the money at 
all, did you?” 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


PLAYBOY 


158 


"Thats right.” 
Kelp twisted around to look over the 


back of the seat and say, 
you figure out it was һ 
damn genius.” 

If Kelp wanted to think what had hap- 
pened was genius, it would be better for 
Dortmunder to keep his thought processes 
to himself, so he said, “It just come to me.” 

Bohker said, “You had to mousetrap 
Chuck like you did or he'd have just denied 
it forever.’ 

“Uh-huh.” 

“Well, I owe you an apology,” Bohker 
said, being gruff and man to man about it. 

“That's OK," Dortmunder told 

“And theres no reason you fellas have to 
move out.” 

“Oh, 1 think we're ready to go, anyway,” 
Dortmunder said. “Aren't we, Andy?" 

“Yeah, I think so,” Kelp said. 

As Bohker turned the station wagon in 
to the driveway at his house, Dortmunder 
said, “Does that glove com 

“Yeah, it does,” Bohker 

“I tell you what we'll do,” Dort munder 
told him. “We'll lock this envelope in there 
for safekeeping, and you give me the key 
off the ring, and when we get on our bus, 
TII give it back to you. On account of 1 
know you don't trust me.” 


“John, how did 
? That was god- 


“Now, that’s not fair,” Bohker said defen- 
sively, parking beside his house. “1 apolo- 
gized, didn't 1?” 

“Still,” Dortmunder said, “we'll both be 
happier if we do it this way. Which key is 


So Bohker took the little key off his key 
ring, and he and Kelp watched Dortmun- 
der solemnly lock the envelope away in the 
crowded, messy glove compartment, and 
an hour and 45 minutes later, on the bus to 
Buffalo, Kelp turned in his seat and said, 
“You did, didnt you?” 

“Sure, I did," Dortmunder agreed, tak- 
ing wads of Bohker’s money out of his 
pants pockets. “Treat me like that, threat- 
en me with troopers.” 

“Whats i cousin Bohker looking at in that 
envelope?" 

“Fertilizer brochures.” 

Kelp sighed, probably thi 
family complications. "Still, Joh 
“you can hardly blame the guy for jump- 
ing to conclusions.” 
can if I want,” Dortmunder said. “Ве- 
sides, 1 figured 1 earned this, with what he 
put me through. That stuff, what’s-it. An- 
guish, you know the kind. Mental, that's it. 
Mental anguish, that's what I got,” Dort- 
munder sa 4 stuffed the money back 
into his pockets. 


“TU talk to you later. I have someone on hold.” 


JENNIFER TILLY 


(continued from page 139) 
there would be only one bed, but it would 
be a really big, tall bed. Then we'd take 
turns sleeping on that bed while every- 
body else slept on the floor. Like, for a 
month. Everyone thought that w great 
idea. І don't know why. I guess because we 
grew up мау, way ош in the country and 
we never had any neighbors. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: If you could be a cartoon charac- 
ter for a day, who would that be? 

тшу: I always liked Mary Jane in the Spi- 
der-Man comic books. She's a party kind of 
girl. She has red hair, wears miniskirts and 
ло heels and says, “Let the good times 
roll.” She has a really good ume, and she's 
a model and a jet setter. She's married to 
Peter [Spider-Man] Parker. Actually, 1 
liked her better before she got married. 
[Pauses] See, she was always a peripheral 
character. Gwen was Peter Parker's girl- 
friend and she was always really boring. 
Then Gwen got killed. Mary Jane w: 
the girl who was out partying, having a 
good ume and hitting on Peter. She was 
very liberated. And she sort of rattled 
because she always called him Tiger. And 
then, when [the writers] decided to have 
them married—I don't want it to sound 
like I read Spider-Man comic books con- 
stantly, but my brother gave те а subscrip- 
tion last year—they decided she had to be 
more of a person, or else why would he 
marry her? So all of a sudd 
out that she'd had this terril 
and had been an orphan, and that's why 
she's a party girl. She's really quite vulner- 
able and insecure. And that kind of 
spoiled it for me, because I liked it better 
when she was just going out. 


9. 


pravsov: Describe your courtship and the 
final straw that made you say yes to 
marriage. 

тшу: It was very short. Sam [Simon] made 
up his mind that 1 was the person for 
him, and I made up my mind that he was 
the person for me, and we just sort of fell 
into each other's arms. It was, like, “Move 
in with me.” Oh, OK. “Hey, let’s get mar- 
ried.” All right. [Pauses] I don't know why 
this happened, because I never wanted to 
get married. 

We did it on the spur of the moment. We 
went off to Hawaii thinking, Well, maybe 
well get married in Hawaii, so 1 took a 
white dress just in case. We'd wake up ev- 
ery morning and say, “Well, should we get 
married today? Nah, let's go snorkeling in- 
stead.” Then we moved to a hotel on Маш, 
and one day, we woke up and said, “Hey, to- 
days a good day to get married.” So we 
found a priest through the Yellow Pages. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: What are the toughest words to 
believe from a man? 


TILLY: When they say that they love you or 
that you're special. I used to date this guy 
and I knew where he was coming from— 
this was before AIDS and he was dating 
everybody and their dog. But I didnt 
mind, because he was lots of fun to be 
around. Га go over to his house. He had 
this roommate. He told me it was like 
Three's Company: “She's my Platonic room- 
mate.” And my sister and I thought she 
was such а bitch, because whenever she'd 
come out to dinner, she would just glare at 
me and be really sullen and nasty. She'd 
slam the doors. My boyfriend would say, 
“Ooo, what's gotten into her?” One day, he 
called up the theater where I was rehears- 
ing and he said, “This casting director 
wanted me to go away with her for the 
weekend, but I thought of you.” I laughed, 
because he was acting like we had this 
s he was 
just a casual date, Another day, he came to 
the theater and wanted me to move in with 
him—his roommate had moved out—be- 
cause I was “so special.” But I said, “No, 
no, по. I'm very happy living with my sis- 
ter.” The next day, 1 found out he had got- 
ten married. 1 thought it was a joke. 


rLAYBOY: He married the ex-roommate? 
тилу: No. And the ex-roommate was actu- 
ally his girlfriend. Hed been taking me 
over to his girlfriend's house to spend the 
night and stuff, which was why girl- 
friend was slamming doors. This guy was 
the biggest liar 1 ever met. 

Men are powered by their libido a lot 
more than women are. Women sleep with 
somebody, and then they have to make this. 
big case, like, “Oh, I'm in love; that's why I 
slept with this person." They create ro- 
mantic relationships in their head, whei 
as men are like, "Well, that was fun." It's 
like going to a hockey game. Men say, “Oh, 
you're so special to me; ооо, I've never felt. 
this way before; mmm, I think I'm in 
love.” Women believe it, but for men, I 
think it's like part of the hockey game: It's 
one of the things you say before you score. 
When guys act like I'm really special, 1 
think, Well, maybe I'm really special at 
nine on a Saturday night, but the next day, 
it was last night. 


12. 


bravo: While we're on the subject, 
his kiss? 

тилу: Yes, it is. That's one of my favorite 
things to do. You can tell а lot about a per- 
son by the way he kisses. A lot of people 
think of sex as a destination, not as a jour- 
ney. Their object is to get off, right? So the 
sooner you do it, the sooner you've done it. 
But people who kiss for a really long time, 
or who are really good, are probably going 
10 be really good lovers, too. 


13. 


rLavsoy: Have you ever practiced ki 
with yc 


ing 
co-star before a kissing scene? 


No. No. You're not in character. I 
опей with a well-known actor, 
who was sort of repulsive. He wanted to sit. 
in his car to rehearse this sex scene. He 
said, “This is supposed to be a sexy scene. 
You seem very tense.” Well, I was tense sit- 
ting in this car with this stranger. The win- 
dows were all steamed up and wed just 
met. He said, "We should make the direc- 
tor really hot,” and I'm like, “I don’t think 
so.” He said, “Kiss me” and I said, “What?” 
And he said, “Kiss me” and I went [puch- 
ers, tight-lipped]. He said, “No, no, no. You 
weren't relaxed. Kiss me again. Just give 
me a really long, sexy kiss.” I said, “Excuse 
me. When we get in there and were doing 
it, Pil be relaxed. But I don't think that thi: 
is something that we need to rehearse. 1 
think we should work on the lines.” 


14. 


You've done love scenes with 
iffer- 


PLAYBOY: 
younger and older men. What's the 
ence? 

тшу: I play younger than myself a lot of 
times, so I've done lot of movies with guys 
who have never acted before. Usually, l'a 
more comfortable with the older men. The 
young guys are very nervous. If they have 
to kiss you, they dont know how they 
should. 1 did a scene with one guy and we 
were supposed to be kissing and falling on 
the ground and rolling all around à la 
From Here to Eternity. You know how when 
a horse is really it shows its teeth? 
His teeth were like that. It wasn’t because 
he thought I was repulsive, because 1 knew 
from the wardrobe people that he had this 
really big crush on me. He was just so 
scared. I couldn't get in—not that I want- 
ed to—because there was this wall of 
teeth. We fell down and rolled around and 
his teeth went right through my lip. 

When older men do a sex scene. they 
channel their sexuality through the scene, 
whereas younger men are sort of fighting 
it. Older men have been around a lot and 
they know that it’s just a scene and that you 
may be attracted in the scene, but that 
doesn't mean that you're attracted in real 
life. So they channel it. 


15. 


vtov: Define your style. 

I approach life with a lot of gusto. 
Life is very short. People shouldn't look 
like everybody else; they shouldn't talk like 
everybody else. And whatever you do, you 
should do from the heart. Sometimes 1 
dress very oddly; sometimes | dress to 
blend in. I used to wear whatever I wanted 
to when I went to auditions, but I found out 
that people thought the way I dressed was 
distracting. Once, а ector got the cos- 
tume designer and said, "Look how Jen- 
nifers dressed. That is how the character 
should dress." I didn't get the part. 


16. 


rLAYBOY: What item of clothing do you 
your sister Meg share the most? 
тилу: People must think we borrow each 


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something and she'll buy the 
p. because she doesnt like to shop. 
Then we'll have to call each other 
"Are you wearing your black c 
dress today? Oh, good; ГИ wear it." 
have very different styles of 
es to wear long, loose 
things and I like to wear tight, short 
things. I lent her an outfit for a press jun- 
ket in Furope, but I told her I didit want 
her to wear it on TV in America, because I 
was going to be on TV and people would 
say, “Oh, look, she's wearing her sisters 
outfit. 


17. 


т.лувоу: What would you do if you could 
become 
гилу: A magazine did a survey that asked 
men and women which they would prefer 
to be invisible or to Йу. The men wanted to 
Hy and the women wanted to become invis- 
ible. 1 don't think Га really like that, be- 
cause Im al I'm going to 
eavesdrop on people and they'll be saying 
bad things about me. I never go into my 
husband's office and pull out the little 
drawers and look through things, because 
what if I find something I don 


18. 


rLaypoy: What did you want for Christmas 
that you never got? 
тшу: When | wasliule, I always wanted an 


Easy Bake oven. We were very poor and we 
were really hungry. I thought if I had it, 
there would be this stream of cakes com- 
ing out. It never occurred to me that you 
1 to go out and buy the real expensiv 
Tittle ake mixes. But now that 


19. 


viaynoy: When is shopping the best 
remedy? 
tiiv: After L have a really bad audition, I 


shop. But I also shop when I have a really 
good audition. 1 d myself. I usually 
buy underwear when I'm depressed, be- 
cause from the inside out, you can have 
new things. I usually buy black underwe 
because Г wear a lot of black. That way, if 
your bra strap shows, its black. 


20. 
Whats always in your medicine 


cw. 


PLAYBOY: 
cabinet? 


xcedrin addict. Sam thinks 
manufactures a headache so 
some more of that good Ex- 
cedrin. When I'm at neighbors’ houses and 
they offer me Tylenol or Advil or som 
thing like that, I won't take it, because 
doesnt do anything for me. ] 
[Smiles] After this, Ге on stage and peo- 
ple will be throwing bottles of Excedrin in 

stead of underwe: 


“No, CJ., I don’t think you'd really like to 
be a dog Why, dogs can't make jokes, or go to the 
movies, or play center field, or do any of those things you 
and I can do. On the other hand, they can lick their 
balls, and that’s nothing 10 sneeze at.” 


Where and How to Buy 


To buy the cpporel and accessories shown on 
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the store nearest you. You may also contact 
the manufacturers for information on where to 
purchase the merchandise in your oreo. 


Page 90: Cordigon by Shamask, 212- 
398-1210. Charivari, NYC; Fred Segal, Los 
Angeles; Ariston, San Francisco. Shirt by 
Andrew Fezza, 212-695-6800. Frederick & 
Nelson, Seattle; Stenley Korshak, Delos; 
Lord John, Providence, Rhode Island. Shorts 
by Lazo, 212-371-2040. Sunglasses by Per- 
sol, 212-772-3544. Au Courant, Miami; 
Georgetown Optician, Washington, D.C.; 
fine deportment stores. Her shirt by Nicole 
Farhi, 212-221-7568. Her pants by Go Silk, 
212-382-3303. 


Page 91: Shirt by Andrew Fezza, 212-695- 
6800. Macy's, NYC; Sebostianos for Men, 
Noshville. Shorts by Sans Tambours ni Trom- 
pettes, 212-362-1212. Choriveri, NYC; Toot- 
sie's, Houston; The Hitching Post, Omcho. 
Watch from Paul Smith, NYC, 212-627-9770. 
Sunglasses by Sanford Hutton for Colors in 
Optics, 212-889-0500, Macy's, NYC. Her 
top and sweater by Go Silk, 212-382-3303. 
Her shorts from Basco Collection by Lance 
Karesh, 212-764-1730. 


Page 92: Jacket ky Charles Chevignon, 212- 
764-1336. Wilkes Beshford, San Francisco. 
Polo shirt by Sans Tembours ni Trompettes, 
212-362-1212. Charivari, NYC; Camou- 
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Calvin Klein Sport for Men, 212-719-2600. 
Saks Fifth Avenue, NYC; Calvin Klein Stare, 
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Page 93: Jacket, shirt and trousers by 
Luciano Soproni, 212-765-5211. Luciono 
Sopreni Boutique, Beverly Hills; Jerez, Chi- 
cago; Allure, Philedelphio. Belt by Trafalgor, 
212-223-2511. Saks Fifth Avenue, NYC. 
Sunglosses by Persol, 212-772-3544. 
Au Couront, Miami; Georgetown Optician, 
Washington, D.C.; fine men's stores. Her top 
by Shamask, 212-398-1210. Her skirt by 
Charles Chevignon, 212-764-1336. Her belt 
by Johnny Farah at Shewroam Seven, 212- 
947-4791. Her earrings by Victoria Ann 
Vargo, 718-287-4950. 


Page 94: Baseball jacket by Reporter, 212- 
371-2040. Reporter Boutique, NYC; Gerard 
Soulcine Paris, Dallas; Tonina, Redonda 
Beach, California. Shirt by Lazo, 212-371- 
2040. Mario's, Portland, Oregon, and 
Seattle; Ron Ross, Tarzana, California; 
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212-398-1210. 


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Keresh, 212-764-1730. Macy's select stores; 
Chanins, Los Angeles; Barneys New York, 
NYC. Shirt by a.b.s Men, 212-398-0330. 
Macy's, NYC; Rich's, Atlanta; o.b.s Men's 
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ni Trompettes, 212-362-1212. Chorivori, 
NYC; Comouflage, NYC; Ultimo, Chicogo. 
Belt by Trafalgar, 212-223-2511. Soks Fifth 
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162 


SEX IS BACK! 


(continued from page 124) 


“Two gals hustle by me. Says one to the other, Т 
don't care what they look like. Go for anything.” 


seen а heterosexual with AIDS, except 
for one woman who was married to a 
hemophiliac.” 

+ Mark Shaffer is а 30ish New York ad- 
vertising executive. He has lived in Mar 
hautan since 1982. "When AIDS first came 
out, of course you were going to believe it, 
he says. "But then you think: I havent 
heard of anyone I know getting it. How 
long can you run around scared? At some 
point, you realize it's a bunch of crap. And 
you get back to normal business. The scare 
is off. 

Are these people nuts? 

No. They have merely come to terms 


with AIDS and risk assessment. They ar 
think, representative of most heterosexual 
America 


Clinicians whose work involves both 
AIDS patients and sexually active hetero- 
sexuals say—disapprovingly—that they 
have seen a marked change in attitude in 
the past year. “People just arent paying at- 
tention anymore,” says Dr. Robert Murphy, 
director of the Biopsychosocial Center of 
Northwestern Memorial Hospital. “They 


perceive И as a drug addict's and gay's dis- 
ease. Its not hitting me that the straights 
see they are very much at - They're 


tired of AIDS. They've heard about it so 
many times and it just isn't sinking in. 

Dr. Joyce Wallace, president of the Fou 
dation for Research on Sexually Transmit- 
ted Discases, says that a year ago, her 
Manhattan clinic routinely saw middle- 
class heterosexual couples coming in for 
testing belore beginning sexual relation- 
couples 
she says. “I do see that. 
nore worry about it a 


ships. Not anymore. Heterosext 


"are now relaxin, 
I think there was 
year ago.” 

Michael Applebaum knows too well 
whereof these doctors speak. In 1987, Ap- 
plebaum, himself a doctor and lawyer, co- 
founded a company called Care Card that 
offered to provide fee-paying clients with 
cards attesting to the fact that they had 
tested AIDS-free. Three years later, Care 
Card is essentially out of business, a flop 
because there was almost no demand for 
its service. Applebaum says only a few hun- 
dred customers signed up. “Its very tough 
to change a populations thinking,” he 
says. "You can scare ‘em for a week. You 
can scare 'em for a month. After that, it's a 
problem. You just can't keep the necessary 
pressure on people.” 

There was, and is, of course, good rea- 
son to treat AIDS with fear or at least re- 
spect. Heterosexuals do get AIDS. Most of 
them get it from tainted needles used to 
inject illegal drugs, but a small number of 
AIDS cases have been traced to boy-meets- 


girl sexual contact. The majority of these 
cases involve inner- nd Hispanic 
people who have slept with I V-drug users 
but people like me—white middle-class 
types who sleep with white middle-class 
types—do rarely get AIDS. 

"That said, most AIDS experts 
come to believe that the risk posed to most 
heterosexuals, at least in this country, has 
so far proved to be extremely low. Drs. 
Norman Hearst and Stephen Hully, in a. 
icle in the Journal of the American. 
Medical. Association, concluded that for a 
person who engages in heterosexual inter- 
course with someone who is not in a high- 
sk group and has tested negative for HIV. 
the risk of infection per act is only about 
one in 5,000,000. Condom usage increases 
that to one in five billion. 

Sex is back because a lot of people 
figured that that was the kind of risk they 
were prepared to take. 

What kind of sex is back? 

Gosh. Where do I begin? All kinds of 
sex are back, including some stuff 1 wasn't 
expecting at all. 1 found out all about it in 
an exhaustive personal survey conducted. 
in the pure light of science. In this survey, 1 
spent two months talking about sex, a week 
‚ four evenings in singles 
gs in an SIM club, one 
ng in a swingers’ club, a day in a sex 
institute, three hours on the telephone lis- 
tening to pay-per-call sex talk and a night 
with my girlfriend in a sex motel. All in all, 
Thad a very nice time. 

Here are some of the highlights of my 
eh: 

* Looking for Mr: Goodbar—The Sequel, 
ene One. Friday evening. July 1989, in 
Fair Harbor, Fire Island, a pleasant little 
town on the Atlantic. Some towns on Fire 
Island are almost exclusively gay in the 
amer months, but Fair Harbor atu 
ight crowd. Most evenings, everyone 
congregates, drink in hand, on the town 


res 


a su 


ever really looks at the sky. They are all too 
busy mingling, and those among them 
coupled are desperately, 


across the space-time continuum and 
plopped out here, ten years later and 50 
miles away, on the Fair Harbor dock. The 
h women outnumber the 30ish men 
maybe three to one, and they're hungry. 
‘Two gals hustle by me on their way to 
swoop down on a cluster of men. Says one 
to the other, “I don't care what they look 
like. Its already Friday. Go for anything,” 
OF all the sex that was supposed to be 
ош, casual sex was the biggest out of all. In 


1985, Surgeon General С. Everett Koop is- 
sued a stern order: “If you have a monoga- 
mous relationship, keep it. If you dont 
Soon enough, the media 
were telling us that we were, indeed, fol- 
lowing doctors’ orders. 

“America's affair with casual sex . . . is 
ng way to a time of caution and com- 
mitment. . . . Casual sex and one-night 
stands are now for daredevils," said Geral- 
do Rivera; and if you can't believe Geral- 
do, who can vou believe? 

There was some evidence that young 
single heterosexuals did cut back on casual 
or one-time sex during the AIDS years. A 
1988 survey for Time magazine found that 
29 percent of New York City singles aged 
18 to 34 claimed to have given up sex en- 
tirely A 1986 Masters and Johnson survey 
of 425 heterosexual adults, most of whom 
were middle-class whites, found that 72 
percent of the women and 63 percent of 
the men said they had become more cau- 
tious about sex because of AIDS. 

But frankly, I always had my suspicions. 
How come the singles bars didn't go out of 
business? What reporters and pollsters 
overlooked, I think, is that people tend to 
give the expected answers to questions of 
ап emotionally charged nature. If you are 
standing in a singles bar at a time when ev- 
erybody in America, especially your moth- 
er, is warning you about AIDS and a 
reporter asks you if you are being more 
careful now, the expected answer is yes 

Tom W. Smith, director of the National 
jon Research Center's General Social 
Survey, says that his analysis of poll results 
suggests that single heterosexuals did 
modify behavior because of AIDS but that 
the change was nowhere nearly as dramat- 
ic as some press accounts reported. "The 
New Chastity seems to be one of the most 
unsubsiantiated trends Гуе ever heard of.” 
he says. "It was based on three anecdotes 
in a New York bar, as far as I can tell. 

At any rate, to the degree that singles- 
bar sex ever vanished, it is surely back now, 
as I found in visits to the standing-room- 
only singles-bar districts in New York, 

ashington, Chicago, San Francisco and 
nore. “It’s wide open,” says Dave, a 
32-vear-old Washington lawyer. “There 
are as many as a dozen bars where you can 
go and pick up girls. . . . Women make it 
are interested. Sleeping. 
with them on the first date is frequently 
not a problem. If it is, by the second or 
third date, you are in there. . . . There is 
absolutely no problem getting laid in this 
town if you are halfway respectable-look- 
ing and coherent.” 

My friend Sally is 31 and not at all in- 
clined to take silly risks. She does use con- 
doms and she doesn't do one-night stands. 
But last year, she found herself in bed on 
the third date with an attractive fellow she 
had met in a bar only a couple of weeks be- 
fore. “I know that I shouldn't have done it,” 
she says. “I should have asked all those 
questions about past sexual history—1 
mean, | think it's crazy not to—but I don't 


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have time to wade through all that." 
winging Sex. 1 thought swinging had 
gone the way of all flesh, so to speak—an- 
other victim of AIDS. “Barring the devel- 
opment of a vaccine, swingers of all 
persuasions may sooner or later be faced 
with the reality of a new era of sexual cau- 
tion and restraint,” dedared Time. 

But you can't keep a sex trend down, as I 
found out when I went with my friend Hol- 
ly to Le Trapeze, which Screw magazine 
says has “inherited the status once held 
by Plato's Retreat as the primary ver 
for old-line, couples-only swinging.” 
‘Trapeze is a discreet little place on Man- 
hattan's East Side that would be indistin- 
guishable from your average New Jersey 
supper club except for the sign that says NO 
ORAL AND ANAL SEX and the fact that all the 
customers are more or less naked. 

1 learned a lot at Le Trapeze. One thing 
I learned was that it is embarrassing for a 
couple to be the only people in a place with 
clothes оп. I did try to take my clothes off 
so 1 could be one of the fellows, and that 
was when I learned what real embarrass- 
ment is: when you are the only man wear- 
ing clothes surrounded by about 100 
naked people and you try to take your 
clothes off and the attendant makes you 
put them back on. In front of everybody. 

“Sir, the club rules are that couples may 
disrobe only as couples. You may not dis- 
robe unless your partner disrobes at the 


les?” 


walk with an insouciance that suggested 1 
had just whimsically changed my mind 
about being naked 

The way Le Trapeze works, you and 
your date may pop into one of four small, 
lockable rooms on the first floor and do it 
in private (which seems to be missing the 
point) or you may do it in the open party 
room on wall-to-wall industrial mattresses 
with other couples doing it and/or watch- 
ing you. Another option is to make friends 
with one or more couples and go upstairs 
10 а semiprivate room to do it en semi- 
masse. The kinky variant 1 explored was to 
go around like Sergeant Joe Friday, asking 
people for just the facts on swinging 

А уму nice man named Judd (who 
looked as though he probably used to. 
know Jimmy Hoffa) and his date, Lorraine 
(a pretty, slightly hippicish woman in her 
30s), told us a lot. Judd said we wouldn't be 
50 nervous once we got naked. “It’s just like 
dancing. First time, you go out there on 
the floor and you think everybody is 
watching every move you make; but after 
you do it for a while, you realize nobody is 
paying attention to you. Nobody is looking 
at you and saying, ‘What a schmuck.” 

Easy for him to say. Nobody made him 
put his clothes back on 

Аз the scene at Le Trapeze suggests, 
swinging has swung back, after a ter 
rific AIDS-related downturn in 1986 and 
1987. Robert “King of Swing” McGinley, 


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for what married-people sex was like. 
Among other things, it turned out to be 
very wet. Our cottage had a steam bath 
and a whirlpool, and a big swimming pool 
off the bedroom. 

The most ambitious thing about mar- 
ried-people sex is the Taiwan Basket, 
which is a sort of sling made out of nylon 
and suspended by ropes from a big hook 
right over the middle of the bed. The sling 
hasa pretty big hole in the seat. The idea is 
that the man lies on his back on the fake- 
fur-covered water bed under the mirrored 
ceiling while his lady friend sits in the sling 
and—well, I hope you get the idea. In my 
opinion, the Taiwan Basket is not for peo- 
ple with a keen sense of the ridiculous. 

+ Меш Age Sex. Ws easy to make fun of 
New Age thinking, what with Shirley 
MacLaine's announcing that she was Dad- 
dy Warbucks in a previous life and all. But 
have you thought about New Age sex? 

Like a lot of other New Age phenomena, 
New Age sex is a direct descendant of Six- 
ties hippie philosophy, 25 years older, a bit 
grayer, the VW bug traded in lor a Mer- 
cedes, the mantra for a tantra. It is the free 
love (remember free love?) of the Nineties, 
and it seems to be flourishing in (where 
else?) California. Theresa, the call 1 
mentioned earlier, is а devotee of New Age 
sex, and so are a growing number of her 
friends. They are nice, gentle people, if 
perhaps a bit—well, you remember the 
Sixties. So much talk and such serious talk. 
People are getting together in a multi- 
dimensional way,” explains Paul, a 52-year- 
old veteran of California living who is 
Theresa's main lover. “You reach out with 
friend and you start lining up the vibra 
tions and putting them in alignment and 


then putting them in different parts of 
your bodies and doing it in a very delici 
It’s the new free love and it's definitely 
happening again.” 

Theresa, Paul and all the other New 
Agers are graduates of Sex, Love & Inti- 
macy workshops held by San Carlos, Cali- 
fornia, sexologist Stan Dale. As members 
with whom I talked explained it, there are 
thousands of recent Stan Dale graduates 
practicing a New Age philosophy that in- 
volves sharing, spiritualism and group to- 
getherness—and lots of sex. Theresa 
recently attended а party where she was 
“sexed,” as she says, by eight men, though 
she actually made love to only three of 
them. That distinction is less than clear to 
me, but apparendy, all comers were sat- 
isfied. There are many such parties. 

Stephanie, a 43-year-old, thrice-di- 
vorced real-estate agent whose New Age 
name is something like Moonbeam, spends 
much of her time on the phone, organizing 
the monthly parties with the group of 25 to 
30 people of which she, Theresa and Paul 
are part. Parties begin with everyone sit- 
ting around in a circle and, as Stephanie 
says, "sharing what we need from the 
group, be it one-on-one talking or 1 want 
five people fucking me at one time, or 1 
don't want any fucking. 1 just want а mas- 
sage. Whatever you need, you gel.” 

The group members say there is a dif- 
ference between swinging and New Аре 
sex. “The heart space created by this 
group is the number-one thing,” says 
Stephanie. “We love being close to one an- 
other and being physical and sexing one 
another. There isn't anyone in the group 
who is just in it because he wants to fuck a 
lot. We wouldnt let someone like that in. 


“Heather, this 15 
my attorney, Mr. Zimmer. He'll be 
handling all the negotiating concerning my gelling into 
your pants and how soon.” 


This is all very interesting but—let’s face 
u—a little esoteric. What kind of sex is back 


wer that, you have to look at why 
sex went away. Or, rather, why we pretended 
и went away. 

lo a large degree, the easing of fear over 
AIDS is merely an excuse for sex to be 
back, as the growth of that fear was an ex- 
сизе for it to go away. It went away, really, 
because we were tired and confused. And 
it is back because we have had a little rest 
and we feel better now, thank you. 

People like me have gone through a lot 
of theoretical sex. In three decades, we've 
gone through free love, open marriage, ex- 
perimental sex, swinging, swapping, zip- 
less fucking, serial monogamy, celibacy 
and sex addiction. Along the way, we dis- 
covered the clitoris, the © spot, foreplay, 
afterplay, the Venus butterfly flick, deep 
throat, the hum job, the Binaca blast, 
whipped cream, multispeed vibrators, 
electric ben-wa balls, emotion lotion, amyl 
bondage, discipline, telephone sex, 
computer sex, vidco sex and fax sex. Not to 
mention the multiple orgasm, the simulta- 
neous orgasm, the clitoral vs the vaginal 
orgasm, the four-hour orgasm, the total 
orgasm, the big orgasm and the meaning- 
ful orgasm. Also, the importance of fanta- 
sy, the need for sexual self-fulfillment, the 
art of sensuous massage, the gratification 
of self, the joy of sex and the 12 steps to 
end sexual addiction. And astral sex. 

We have suffered through far too many 
sex experts. There were the scientists of 
sex, the quantifiers in white coats, who, 
beginning with Freud and Krafli-Ebing 
and continuing through Pomeroy and 
Kinsey to Masters and Johnson, defined 
sex as a pathology and a discipline, a thing 
apart from life and love that could be cali- 
brated and predicted. 

After the quantifiers came the advo- 
cates, a second wave of sex experts who 
told us exactly how to do it (Sex as a Per- 
forming Art) and why we must do it exact- 
ly as they said (Sex asa Religion and Sex as 
a Way of Life). 

With all this professional attention, it got 
so that a lot of people thought they just 
couldn't doit right anymore. Asa frail waif 
expresses it in Woody Allen's Manhattan, 
“L finally had an orgasm and my doctor 
told me it was the wrong kind.” Speaking 
for all the rest of us, Woody replies, “I've 
never had the wrong kind. My worst one 
was right on the money. 

By the time the Eighties rolled around, 
we were wondering if we really needed all 
that theoretical sex, the kind that could 
give us the wrong kind of orgasm. It had 
become such a burden that there grew, 1 
think, a collective urge to ignore the whole 
business to put it back in its place. 

Thus was the 1982 scare of herpes 
simplex, type two, greeted with hosannas 
and headlines, and thus was the over- 
blown threat of AIDS accepted and even 


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relished. The idea of Sex as a Fatal Апгас- 
tion had a perfect inevitability to it, follow- 
ing as it did all the other “Sex аз...” 
pronouncements of our lives, and perfect 
timing as well: It was time for a nap. 

Now the rest is over. And wc go back to 
sex. But not, happily enough, the sex we 
left behind. 

In San Francisco, there is a Methodist 
minister named ‘led Mcllvenna, а self- 
trained sexologist for 25 years and the 
president and founder of the Institute Юг 
Advanced Study of Human Sexuality 
Mellvenna is all the "Sex as . . ." theoreti- 
cians rolled into one. He's Sex as Politics: 
“If you can control peoples sexuality, you 
can control them absolutely.” Нез Sex as a 
Performing Art: “Performance is the fu- 
ture of sex.” Нез Sex as Science: “We hook 
you up to these electrical gadgets to moni 
tor your pulse, temperature. . . . We catch it 
al 03 on a one to ten scale of what turns 


you on." He's Sex as Mechanics: “We have 
gotten interested in ing cock rings. 
je find that if a woman can control the 
rheostat of a cock ring, she can get ой 
whenever she wants to.” He's Sex as Reli- 
gion: “There are many ways to find God. 
One of the ways . .. is through the glorious 
gift of sexu e is, in the end, Sex as a 


Way of Life; it is, after all, his life. 
Леп years ago, people flocked to Mell 
venn: itute to spend days waiching 


films, talking, touching, groping in the hot 
tubs and on the psychedelic pillow: 
on the carpeted floor of the pr 
room. When I visited Mellven 
stitute last December, he was practically all 
alone, in a small cluttered office in the 
institutes cold and quiet storefront head- 
quarters, surrounded by the sex of yes- 
terycar. Near his desk sat an overflowing 
box of old vibrators and dildos. Outside 
the door were thousands of sexually ex- 


“Pardon me, six, but what exactly is a ‘Basinger’?” 


plicit movies, books and magazines dating 
back to the turn of the century. 

Rambling on about sex, Mellvenna hit 
upon a thought. “When I started,” he said, 
belonged to somebody сїзє. "The 
church. The state, The courts. The police. 
All of these others. And suddenly, all of 
those institutions realized that sex 
belong to them Sex belonged to 
the individual. biggest revolu- 
tion of all and that's not going to go away.” 

Нех right, of course. Sex does belong to 
the individual, not to anyone else, mclud- 
ing all the experts and ideologues, includ- 
ing the Reverend ‘Ted Mellvenna. What 
happens in bed between lovers is not a so- 
cietal statement to be wrangled over in the 
editorial pages. It is not a pathology to be 
dissected in the laboratory. It is not reli- 
gion; God is not an orgasm. It is not a 
sport, spectator or otherwise. It is not poli- 
tics; there is a world of difference between 
making love to the body politic and mak- 
ing love to the body and soul next to you. It 
is not mechanical: Lovemaking 
vibrators Muzak. Above all, it 
way of life. Life is a x is part 
of life. Ar ‚ива fleeting ple: 
At its best—and left to itself, apa 
the g and politi- 
cians—it is a great and crucial part of the 
most important thing in life, the love that 
makes between a man and a woman some- 
thing of lasting and transcendent value 
‘The thing of not the sex itself but 
all that sex carri the companii 
the defeat of the loneli- 


not a 


"That old-fashioned kind of sex, the kind 
te and mostly wonder- 
what 


that is part ofa р 
ful thing between two people, 
everyone [talked to—even the more ses 
ally adventurous souls such as Frank and 
Theresa—seems desperately to want these 
days. Boyfriends are back. Girlfriends are 
back. Marriage is back. Even babies—na- 
ture's intended result of all this sex—are 
most emphatically back. 

Remember my friend Brad, the sexual 
bellwether of America? If you recall, Brad 
is dating impressionable young ladies on a 
fairly casual basis. But that is not what he 
wants. “I want to settle down,” he says. "1 
tried to have open relationships, but 1 
found all that was bullshit. It was painful 
to all involved. It was hurtful. . . . Even if 
there weren't a disease like AIDS, the cycle 
would be in this position, because there 
was a kind of empty feeling there all along, 
like, Geez, this is fun, but what am I going 
to do when I'm forty-five with no family 
and Im just a lecherous old asshole: 

sex is back, for most people in the way it 
was before all the “Sex as. ..” trends. Left 
to ourselves, what we are looking lor 15 not 
al statement, not a social experi- 
ment, not an endless pursuit of grati- 
fication. What we are looking for is love. 

In the meanume, a little han! anky 
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(continued from page 116) 
found him wandering through the dark 
streets after work, listening to George 
Winston on his Walkman. 

One consequence of all this pain was a 
number of visits to Morocco by his worried 
friends, some of whom went back to his 
acting and directing days at Chicago's ad- 
venturous Steppenwolf Theater. Once, 
when Malkovich told Bertolucci of yet an- 
other impending arrival from Chicago, 
the director asked blithely, “Is he coming 
over on the Steppenwolf Learjet?” Debra 
Winger, who was living a comparatively 
solitary life during production with her 
two-year-old son, Noah, said with uncon 
cealed envy that Malkovich seemed to have 
some sort of pipeline rigged up between 
the United States and Morocco; as soon as 
it was empty, someone refilled it with more 
of his friends. 

Both Malkovich and Winger got terribly 
sick in Tangier, with recurrent high fe 
ind horrible, shivering sweats, She was out 
of action for almost a week, while he man- 
aged to keep going, but sometimes 
rely, with an all-too-vivid foreshadowing 
of work to come; in The Shellering Sky, a 
period piece that takes place in 1947, 
Malkovich plays Port, Winger's husband, 
who contracts typhoid fever and dies, 

. 

Оп a day when he is more than ambula- 
tory though Jess than healthy, Malkovich 
must do a scene in the old part of Tanga 
near the waterfront. Theres no dialog, 
so the shot should be fairly easy 10 get 
through; Port simply takes a stroll along 
the promenade after an argument with his 
wife, Kit, who remains upstairs in their ho- 
tel room. But it could also be fairly deadly, 
at least as Bowles had written it in the поу- 
el—two profoundly alienated Americans 
working out their destinies in а succession 
of empty, actively hostile or, at best, de- 
pressing Arab landscapes 

As it happens, a paperback copy of The 
Sheltering Sky sits in a place of honor on top. 
of the little video monitor that Bertolucci 
always watches during filming Even 
though the basic text for this production is 
not the book but a screen adaptation by 
Mark Peploe, who co-wrote The Last Em 
rtolucci hands the paperback to 
ncourages him to savor the 
pertinem passage before they shoot 
Malkovich turns to page 24: “He aban 
doned himself to the perverse pleasure 
he found in continuing mechanically to. 
put one foot in front of the other, even 
though he was quite clearly aware of 
his fatigue. . .." 

Such respect for the printed word is 
oddly touching, and hardly what you'd 
nd on most Hollywood sets. It has its lim- 
its, though. T а movie, not an existen- 
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1900, Bertolucci is no stranger to alic 
ation, but as an exuberant, life-affirn 
Italian, he wants no truck with depressing 
locales—at least not in these early scenes, 
when you still have to keep the customers 
inside the tent 

So the movie version of Bowless city 
turns out to be steeped in the sweetness of 
life. The sidewalk is chockablock with 161 
extras dressed in romantic yet marvelously 
specific cost slem women in their 


French with their red 
pompons, garcons de café, shepherds, pied 
noir businessmen, mule drivers, strect 


urchins. As Bertolucci calls “Motore!” to 
his Italian crew, the camera rolls, and 
Malkovich's Port strolls down the sidewalk 
through the crow 
Thats all he does, in the most literal 
sense—strolls along slowly in his tan suit 
th a Norfolk-style jacket, green shirt and 
piece, which becomes him and is 
done up in a small, casual pompadour of 
the period. But with his hesitant gait, his 
ambiguous body language and his calm, 
almost blank expression, he bespeaks a 
melancholy as deep as anything in the pas: 
sage Bowles wrote, It's an example of how 
a director can capture the essence of a 
scene by going against its gra 
around him seems to intensi y Port's spirit- 
ual isolation—a а fine actor can 
speak volumes without uttering a word. 
After the first take, Bertolucci says, “It 
vas a little тоо fa and Malkovich 
During 
the crowd ebbs 
should flow, or flows when it should 
lly, Bertolucci gets what he wants, 
but Malkovich isnt sure. “I hate questi 
like this,” he says, “but did that one 
pass in front of me as l turned? 
“You're absolutely right to ask, 
Bertolucci replies, "but no, its OK; he 
passed through the shot before you 


agrees: “I got lost in the crowd.” 
the next several takes, 
when 


turned.” Sul shaky from whats left of his 
fever, Malkovich makes tracks for his trail- 
er. There other cameras to be faced, 


though; scores of Moroccan extras ask him 
to pose for their Instamatics. He does so 
with good humor and great patience. 

. 

Ostensibly, the relationship between 
husband and wife in The Sheltering Shy is 
50 perverse as to preclude love; Port and 
Kit, at a sexual and emotional impasse, 
embark on perverse exploits with other 
partners. But alienation, disaffection and 
detachment are not what Malkovich is try- 
ing to play. “Because you can't do very 
much with that. You have to play what any 
marriage aspires to. To be close. To live 
truthfully, or live honestly, and yet well. 
These are ult things to do, and very 
few people succeed” 

In saying this, he's expressing a cardinal 
rule of acting: Thou shalt not judge thy 
character. But he also seems to be speak 
ing from his heart, and his recent history; 
all the more so when he discusses the rela- 
tionship between Paul Bowles, who is now 
78, and his wife, the writer Jane Bowles, 
who died in 1973. “I personally wouldn't 
want to be married to a lesbian who was a 
raging neurotic and was in and out of 
stitutions most of her adult life, but appar- 
ently, he didn't feel that way. That may not 
have been one of his important things. It 
wasnt the nature of the attachment. And 
seeing how wrong sex can go, is that so 
tupid? 1 don't know 
One night, Malkovich had dinner with 
Bowles, who lives in Tangier. “1 dont think 
he's big on discussing his feelings, but 1 
asked him what he felt when Jane died, 
and he said, ‘What do you mean, what did 
1 feel? That's when I lost interest in every- 
thing: 1 asked him how long that went on, 
and he said, "What do you mean? Its going 


“Its for you." 


оп now. It goes on forever” So its hard for 
not to call that love. 

Bowles, a vigorous, quietly humorous 
пап with the clarity of someone half his 
we, recalled the dinner with a different 
We talked, and he told me the story 
ifc, more or less. I havent seen a film 
се 1972, so I don't know anything about 
his work, except that everyone says ha 
very good. After telling me all about him, 
Bertolucci said very proudly “And hes 
neurotic! And I said, “Thank God 

. 

Heres another example of how com- 
pelling—and perplexing— Malkovich can 
be, Although the scene took place in Tat 
gier, Bertolucci didn't direct it. He simply 
listened, rapt, as Malkovich, sitting across 
the table at a Sunday brunch, told a tale of 
terror on the streets of New York. 

He began in a beguilingly mild yoice, a 
voice that scemed to say, “It 
worry, l'm not a violent guy” One day, a 
few years ago, Malkovich said, during the 
time he was appearing on Broadway in 
Burn This, he took his dogs out for a walk 
on the Upper West Side, near the Museum 
of Natural History Suddenly, a young 
punk walked up alongside him and mut- 
tered menacingly, “Get off me.” 

Whether the kid was white, black, brown 
or green with six eyes wasn't the point; 
anyone who knows Malkovich even slightly 
knows he’s no bigot. The point was thatthe 
actor felt endangered once again in a city 
where law-abiding people live in constant 
fear of their lives, and he couldn't take it 
anymore. 

“What do you mean, “Get off те" 
Malkovich replied furiously, “What if I 
want to get on you? What if I want to get in 
you?” With that, he hustled his dogs bas 
to his apartment, took a Bowie knife from 
a drawer, went back out to track the kid 
down and found him sitting on a bench 
near the museum. “I put the knife to his 
throat and told him, ‘One more word from 
you, motherfucker, and youre dead. And 
then, since he had the good sense to keep 
his mouth shut, I turned around and went 
back home.” 

Silence seized all of us around the table. 
moment, it had been a cheerful 
ng at the charming home of an es 

American schoolteacher. What 
ng on here, though? Had Malko- 
vich revealed himself as a cryptofascist 
the dubious tradition of Ber 
hard Goetz, driven to the point of murder 
by the madness of modern life? No one 
knew what to say No one knew what to 
think. Bertolucci broke the silence with an 
infectious grin and an uneasy laugh: “I 
dont believe you, John! Its all part of what 
you were playing in Burn This 

He was probably right. Actors, with 
their intense emotional responses, often 
take on the coloration of their characters, 
and the colors in this case were close 
ostensible psychopath named Pale in Burn 
This, Malkovich was a volcano of psychic 
violence. He made one of the most fright- 


patriate 


ening entrances in the history of the the- 
ater, all but beating down the door of a 
New York apartment, then launched 
what one critic called a supersonic di 
on the problems of parking, living 
the end, surviving in the chaos of the city. 

Yet Bertolucci himself wasn't quite sure 
what was going on, for actors, especially 
fine ones such as Malkovich, are ineflably 
complex creatures who draw nourishment 
from their characters, yes, but who also 
draw on who they really arc; maybe 
Malkovich played Pale so well because he 
was, in fact, capable of holding a knife toa 
young punks throat. And even if the story 
were fiction, an actor's reworking of his ex- 
perience in a memorable play, there re- 
mained the question of how much was 
storytelling for its own sake and how much 
Malkovich's need to take an emotional 


wa 
reality—his own ample, sometimes scary 
psychic violence—and transform it into а 


piece of performance art? 

No one pressed him for answers; nor did 
he volunteer any. Soon the talk at the table 
turned to safer subjects, such as the host's 
reassuringly solid, old-fashioned furni- 
ture, which had just arrived by boat from 
Alabama. 


б 
know that not only is John a good ас- 
tor, he’s a good storyteller,” says Spalding 
Gray in his one-man show Swimming to 
Cambodia, Gray, who worked with Malko- 
vich in The Killing Fields, cites as evidence 
a story about a mouse trying to make love 
ng 
rty-joke contest on the set. But a single 
le of mismatched sexual pariners—or 
overstressed urban dwellers—barely hints 
at Malkovich's gift for the well-spoken 
word. He tells me а story from his child- 
hood, or maybe from a re-examined, ге- 
worked and restaged version of his 
childhood: 

“1 quit school in first grade. At least fora 
short time, until my dad found out. Be- 
cause we'd had an Easter-egg contest, to 
decorate Easter eggs and stuff, and in my 
mind, Га clearly won, but first prize went 
to Debby Wymer. Victimized once again. 
So I jumped up, called the teacher a chick- 
enshit or motherfucker or whatever, and 
then I left. I got my school supplies togeth- 
er and left. I said, “That's it, I dont need 
this at all’ 

“Now, the school was very close to the 
town newspaper, where my father worked 
before he started his own magazine. But I 
knew better than to go to his office, b. 
cause he wouldn't have accepted the ter 
of my dropping out of school; I knew that 
even then. Instead, I went up to Ingerts, 
this place where my grandfather liked to 
hang out with his mates. I went in all sob- 
bing and upset, and I explained that Pd 
been fucked over and lost the contest and I 
couldnt go on like that in school 

“My grandfather asked what the basis of 
the decision was, and I told him th: 


to an elephant that Malkovich told du 
ac 


‚ ap- 
parently, it was a ck situation. You 
know, rickrack is that thing that people use 


in sewing, that s ig thing. Well, 
Debby Wymer’s Easter egg had had rick- 
rack and mine hadni, and that seemed to 
be the deciding factor. She'd been a real 
trendsetter. She must have known some- 
thing. Shes married to a chiropractor now. 
But anyway, my grandfather was really 
pissed off. He pulled a hundred dollars out 


of his pocket and said, ‘You go buy yourself 


Chat was his idea 


some fucking rickrack 
of how to handle it.” 
lts а sad story w 


h what seems to be a 
sadder subtext: victimization. Malkovich 
agrees. "Someone once said,” he adds with 
carefully titrated self-irony, “that they 
should put on my tombstone Dr SOMEONE 
SAY VICTIM?" 

The Easter egg may have been his Rose- 
bud, I suggest, trying to get with the spirit 
of the moment; Malkovich's self-irony can 
be very funny, as well as revealing 
faybe so,” he replies, deadpan. 
factis, my egg really was the best.” 

What was so good abou 

“Iu was delicate. АШ the others just had 
tons of shit on them. I'm still quite bitter 
about it” 


he 


. 

Malkovich grew up in Benton, Illinois, 
in a family of strong-willed men: his 
grandfather, who drove a pink Cadillac 


and owned the local new 
turned it over t 


aper until he 
his wife so he could have 


environmen 
-mining town, and who dicd more 
than а decade ago of a heart attack at the 
age of 53. As а precocious, overweight 
Malkovich conformed to the 
lc model, which was nonco: 
1 was so outspoken when I was li 
ue, and so fierce.” He hated to lose, had a 
terrible temper and would fight at the 
drop of atoy whenever his brother or 
tried to set him off, (His sister, a journalist 
in New York, still has fun setting him off by 
sending him negative reviews of his work.) 
As Malkovich tells it, his family life was 
dy chaos, with daily food fighis along 
with the fistfights, an endless stream of 
visitors and an absence of anything resem- 
bling conventional discipline. And Malko- 
vich tells it i least two vocal registers, 
reflecting at least two minds about the en- 
tire thing. There were the fun parts and 
the gentle parts, he says, but there was also. 
the volatility, which he didnt like much. 
“There have probably always been two 
paris to me. You know, one part my fa- 
ther and one part my mother. My father 
was somewhere between Bobby Knight 
and Mark Twain, kind of. He could be 


171 


PLAYBOY 


172 


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incredibly gentle and extremely funny but 
hc had a bad temper, and I still have a hor- 
rible one, too. My mother is more in the 
Will Rogers mode, sort of sweet and gentle 
and likes everyone, you know, and I think 
probably since my father died, that part of 
me has taken over more. Probably. And 1 
dont think for the good, really.” 
. 

arlier in his career, even belore Burn 
This, Malkovichs dark, angry side was 
clearly dominant. People who saw him in 
True West sull talk of how terrifying he was 
in the role of Lee, a high-desert drifter 
with a half-cracked voice and a fully 
cracked . In the video version of thi 
Sam Shephard play, he slices the air with 
his hands—Lee is driven wild by the sound 
s lips like а chim- 
rubs his forehead against his 
brother's with such ferocity that he almost 
scalps him and, in what must be a first for 
contempora male the 
fluttering of his eyelids as a threat of dead- 
ly force. 

But the actor’s power goes beyond his 
gular gift for inspiring fear. In a revival 
of Death of a Salesman starring Dustin 
Hoffman as Willy Loman, Malkovich 
played Biff, Willys wayward son, as the 
failed poet Arthur Miller actually wrote. 
And beyond poetry—his performances 
rarely being one-dimensional—he made 
Biff an impassioned, dangerous innocent, 
and did it all without a trace of pathos. 
When Miller gave the cast his notes after 
opening night, he had only one comment 
for Malkovich: “You're a thoroughbred.” 

. 

Malkovich has strong convictions about 
drama, and most of all, live dr 
he loves. “You have to betray an audience 
or nothing really happens. All of Harold 
Pinter' plays are about betrayed emotions. 
All good writing is, in a way. You have to 
convince people they're watching a certain 
thing that’s y identified—everything’s 
fine, dont worry—and then you turn on 
them, betray them with something com- 
pletely different. Because if you dont be- 
tray them, you cant surprise them; you 
can never get past what they think they 


as gotten to the audi- 
ence, as a director, with his work on Lan- 
ford Wilson's Balm in Gilead; that 
production was notable for an astonishing 
performance by Lauric Metcalf, whom he 
calls the best theater actress in the world. 
He's also proud of his controversi 
duction of George Berr 
aud the Man, which Brendan Gill, in the 
New Yorker, called “so radically imperfect 
as to give us almost по hint of its authors 
purpose,” and Jack Kroll, in Newsweek, 
found steeped in Shaw's “sunny moral pas 
sion” and “immensely ple 

He certainly got to the audience, as an 
actor, with his incendiary performance in 
Burn This, though some people who saw it 
felt that he tore the play's fabric to tatters. 
His own feelings about that work are deep- 


ly conflicted. “As an actor, I dont know 
that ] could have done it differently: As a 
director, I could sce it quite differently. It 
appeared to me, and 1 didnt read the re 
views, that whatever I did or didn't do—I 
think what I did—distracted from the 
quality of the play. It’s sort of like they were 
waiting for the bullfighter to come on and 
enough with the picadors, whercas the play 
has a good beginning, middle and end, 
and four finely drawn characters, even 
though the woman isn’t fully solved at all.” 

Conflict may be the chronic condition of 
actors who also direct—even more con- 
flict, that is, than ordinary actors wrestle 
h. Malkovich the actor fought with so 

папу of his own directors over the years 
that he grew battle-weary. “I didiri want to 
be involved in combat anymore. There 
comes a time, I finally decided, when there 
is a director, and hes running the show, 
and right or wrong, ГЇЇ just do what I'm 
told” Then he met Stephen Frears, the 
man who would direct him in Dangerous 
Liaisons, and believed from almost the fi 
moment that Frears had it all, knew it all, 
was on top of it all. 


D 

Frears, who is British, felt the same way 
about Malkovich at first. "When I was 
hired, 1 was told that John wanted to play 
the part, and that was OK with me. There 
was no obligation to cast him, but person- 
ally, 1 couldnt think of anyone better. Hav- 
ing decided to use American instead of 
English actors, I knew Valmont shouldnt 
be played by someone who looked like 
Robert Redford, and I was quite mesme: 
ized by Johns face, with those soft, femi- 
nine features.” 

There was only one problem: The dire 
tor had expected his leading man to come 
equipped with certain skills, and Malko- 
vich didn’t haye ther 

“It was really very odd,” Frears recalls, 
with a fondness that has replaced his con- 
sternation. “I sort of knew that West Coast 
actors came from somewhere else, but I as- 
sumed that because John was from the the- 
ater, he'd be trained. Then he told me, T 
don't know how to speak properly?” 

Malkovich confirms this, and then som 
“Stephen hated my voice. I spoke too slow- 
ly for him; he wanted me to be as spont 
neous as Lam in person, which I couldn 
do. He challenged my natural inclinations 
very much. He wouldnt let me walk down 
the stairs a certain way: ‘If you walk down 
the stairs that way, are an asshole and I 
won't have it” I learned a lot from 
him, but he’s tough, Stephen, very tough. 

"The trouble was, we had only nine 
weeks to shoot it. Stephen thought if I 
could just do the basics quickly, we could 
get on to more serious work, but that wasn't 
the case, It may have taken me twenty takes 
just to talk quickly. This was very hard on 
him, Um sure. 

“Sometimes he would say to me, ‘Why 
n't you just be as good as Peter Capaldi 
Wall, first of all, Peter Capaldi, who played 
my manservant, is а very good actor. But 


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173 


PLAYBOY 


174 


Fd tell Stephen that I wasn't sure why I had 
to be as good as Peter Capaldi. Га try to 
explain to him that Peter Capaldi would be 
as good as he is acting with a stone. Hes 
just good. He doesn't need a lot of help, 
ther. But why do you think I'm like that? 
“Stephen resented the fact that I had to 
work to be good. That really bothered the 
ass off him. Because he'd seen me in the 
theater, think he expected me to be more 
of a Hank Aaron figure somehow, and l'm 
not. I'm not. I work, Really hard. I plod 
and plod and plod. I know what he meant 
when he said I should walk through knee- 
high grass without seeming to move, and 1 
should say the lines effortlessly But it 
doesn't mean I could. Fuck, I'm not like 
that at all.” 
Does this mean, then, that those British 
reporters had a point about Malkovich's 
being threatened by the demands of the 
part? In one sense, yes, of course they did 
His first few minutes of dialog in Danger 


ous Liaisons make you wonder how you're 
going to sit still for his locuti 
neither piss-elegant nor flat-out American 
but some peculiar, slightly halting mélange 
of both. But the Brits missed the point, 
which is that technical prowess, however 
admirable—when its invisi 
part of what great acting i: 
few minutes into the film, youre entirely 
the thrall of this Valmont, with. 
mor, feral malevolence, provocative pouts 
and dazzling, scheming mind. What Mal- 
kovich achieved, and Frears ulti 
cherished, was a triumph of i 
vocal mu: 

“That's the thing about John,” Frears 
уз. "He may not know how to speak 
properly, or even stand quite properly One 
day, we had a man on the set teaching him 
how to bow properly: But his independent. 
spirit is wonderful. 1 came to so adore his 
iriities and his passion. He is the 


ns, which are 


Ww 
^ Ok. 
DEN 


most wonderful man and the most wonder 
ful actor, and 1 love him very much.” 
. 

y, Malkovich inhales countless 
unfiltered Camels, the brand his grand- 
father taught him to smoke. Although the 
prettified desert landscapes on the wrap- 
pers look funny in Morocco, his friends 
arent amused, They worry about his 
moking and tell him to stop. He knows he 
ought to but doesn't seem ready. 

He also exhales clouds of profanity, 
more as a calming mantra than а state 
mentof rage. His driver, Abdesalam, a hip, 
trilingual Moroccan, understands and ci 
joys this; the two men have а buddy-bond- 
ing ritual that consists mainly of calling 
each other motherfuckers—each other, 
plus pedestrians who cross their path. One 
day, as they're driving through the medi- 
na, their path is crossed by a water seller. 
The man is all dolled up, for the sake of 
tourists, in his colorful robe, pointed san- 
dals, wide-brimmed hat, goatskin bag and 
copper cups. 

“Who's that motherfucker?” Malkovich 
asks. “What's he up to?” 

Abdesalam replies that hes a water sell- 
er, though he doesnt sell water anymore; 
you pay him to take pictures of him. "Hes 
the driver adds helpfully, with a 
straight face. 

“Right, 
motherfucker. 


In spite of hi 
chills, Malkovich goes around town in e: 
ойс outfits on his days off. One day, it’s cut- 
offs with a silk bandanna on his head 
pirate style. Another day, its an elegant 
black Edwardian suit with a paisley waist- 
band, which he calls his antivomit cum- 


merbund. He tells me proudly that 
ci values him for his "aesthetic 
He 


in life is to be a runway model, In fact, he 
took a brief fling in Paris not long ago, 
Japanese compa- 


ny Comme des Garcons. 

His friends consider that one of Johns 
endearing eccentricities. It amuses Berto- 
Tucci, too, but the director finds it interest- 
ng enough to take seriously 

"John has this whole game he plays a lot, 
pretending that frivolity, dandyism, snob- 
bism and fashion are the most important 
things in life. And its very much | 
screen of something that I 
know yet, but may 
the movie. It makes his natu 
even more romantic. He's not ex- 
ng his despair, you understand. But 


ng betwee 
the Comme des Garcons trousers, I sce the 
solitude of this man 

“The other thing about the fa 
modeling is that is a challenge for some- 
with a quite heavy, solid body. Yet 
there’s a contradiction between that cer- 
tain weight and the lightness when he 
moves. The moment I say ‘Action,’ he has 


the lightness of a ballerina, of an acrobat 
оп а rope. It's like an enchantment. 
. 

Sitting ata small table in an old Tangier 
café, Malkovich gets ready for a scene with 
Debra Winger and Campbell Scott, who 
plays Tunner, the young man traveling 
with the couple on their Moroccan journey 
Bertolucci has already shot pieces of the 
scene, in which Malkovich's characu 
Port, relates the details of a sexually 
charged dream. Today's piece is Malko- 
vich's close-up, so Winger and Scott will be 
olf camera. As Winger arrives, she tells me 
that she feels "way out ahead" in working 
with her co-star. “Гуе been let down a lot of 
times, but I feel really good about it this 
time. John is rich. He's very, very rich." 

Malkovich, Winger and Scott run 
through their lines quietly, as technicians 
work around them. “I was on a train that 
kept putting on speed ovich be- 
gins. Atone point, Winger delivers a line I 
can't hear, and Malkovich, out of character, 
remarks w Phat ought to be on my 
tombstone. 

А wardrobe person smooths his lapel 
while a hair stylist teases his blond hair 
and recements his hairpiece to his pate. 
Malkovich remains semi-oblivious; as a 
movie actor, he's accustomed to all sorts of 
technical adjustments. But he watches with 
a gimlet eye while the cmematographer, 
Vittorio Storaro, shifts his lights, checks 
meter and murmurs sweet Italian 


somethings about foot candles and f-stops 
into his walkie-talkie. 

Storaro is the cinematographer respon- 
sible for the visual glories of The Last Em 
peror, 1900 and The Conformist. "There's 
him and then there's the rest of us,” one of 
the finest shooters in the United States 


once told me. At the same time, Storaro is 


the Dr. Strangelove of light—intense, ob- 
sessive, fast when the occasion demands it 
but focused on photons to the exclusion of 
everything else, including humor. 

Malkovich supplies the humor, He loves 
10 tease Storaro and to imitate his walkie- 
talkie style. Most of all, he respects him as 
a perfectionist who delivers the goods. 
That must be why the actor follows two di- 
rectors in this scene: Bertolucci, in his cus- 
tomary place behind the camera, and 
Storaro, who crouches down in front of the 
camera and, as the lights blaze and the film 
rolls, raises his index finger in a manner 
that resembles nothing so much as an ani- 
mal trainer cuing а dog. 

Its absolutely bizarre. Here is LB sn 
acting away with темпе! g concen 
tion—^l was on a train that kept putting 
оп speed —and, at the same time, fol- 
lowing Storaro' finger with his eyes. After 
the take, I confess my Ба етет and ask 
him what the ritual is all about 

“Well, Vittorio has this theory. He likes 
me always to be half in shadow. But to do 
that right, you have to see one eye fully lit 
and the other eye partly lit. Нез insistent 


on that. He says the whole face goes dead if 
the dark eye doesn't have a tiny bit of light 
пи. But he can't do it alone and 1 can't do 
it alone, so he guides my eyes with his 
finger. It doesn't bother me. Is a very tech- 
nical medium, and I'm just starting to 
learn it. The first time I saw in the rushes 
what he was getting at, I was amazed. That 
one little bit of light made all the difference 
in the way I looked. I mean, fuck, it w 
much more important than the acting.” 
б 

As Ше afternoon winds down, Berto- 
lucci pronounces himself pleased with 
what he has but goes for one last take. "If 
you can be a bit more evocative, John, to. 
make me see the dream .. . the most evoca- 


Malkovich delivers superbly. In his mild- 
ild voices, he recounts the dream 
he’s still dreaming it: "I was on a train 
that kept putting on speed. I thought to 
myself, We're going to plow into a big bed 
with the sheets all in mountains. . . ." 

“Cut!” Bertolucci calls. “Bella!” He's de- 
lighted, which makes everyone else de- 
lighted. As the lights go out and Malkovich 
leaves the set, Га was he'd picked 
10 go on his tombstone this time. 

He looks blank for a second, then grins, 
“It’s a line of Debra's: ‘Why do you go 


what 


Adda few drops of Tabasco sauce. The lively Louisiana accent that 
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175 


PLAYBOY 


176 


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(continued from page 59) 
plan sabotage operations in Nicaragua. 
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claims to have resisted Noriega's offer to 
do away with the Nicaragua problem һу 
sending in goons to assassinate that coun- 


пуз leaders. 

Maybe Noriega was getting a bit wild. 
He started flaunting his excesses and 
raising the decibel level on nationalist 
noise. Who was he working for, anyw: 
And did we need him when the Cold War 
was coming to a halt? Worse, the man had. 
the irritating habit of implying that be- 
cause of past collaborations, he had our 
President by the balls. 

George Bush solved this problem the 
way he does all others—by turning 100: 
the drug police. Remember those pictur 
agents handcuffing a defeated 
in Panama and taking him to face 
justice in Miami? How pleased the agents 
looked, how proud the DEA must have 
been. But how are we, then, to explain the 
As having repeatedly congratulated 
iega on his work against drugs from 
1978 to 1987? For example, on March 16, 
1984, then—DEA Administrator Francis М. 
Mullen thanked Noriega for an auto- 
phed picture, telling the dictator that 
he t framed, and it is proudly dis 
played in my office. 

John Lawn, the man who now heads the 
DEA and ordered those handcuffs, wrote 
to Noriega three years ago, praising his 
“personal commitment” to solving a drug- 
money case, Lawn added, "Drug traf- 
fickers are now on notice that the procceds 
and profits of their illegal ventures are not 
welcome in Pan: a 

Well, so, the DEA had it wrong. Every- 
body makes mistakes. How was the top 
US. agency charged with monitoring in 
ternational drug traffic to know what was 
going on in Р. 

Noriega is now in jail because he got 
caught in a time warp. What he once did so 
well—a vast assortment. of dirty tricks— 
was in the post-Iran/Gontra world а 
enormous embarrassment to his forme: 
employers in the U.S. Government. It was 
time to kill him off before his big mouth 
got them allin trouble. 

Only, the invasion went wrong. Again, 
one of our friends didn't die when he was 
supposed to. 

We're talking major scandal if Noriega is 
not dealt out or bumped off in prison. The 
guy’s stink, spread over months of trials, 
will stick to the top officials of five Adm 
istrations. They cant walk away from i 
We made him what he is; he will cry, echo- 
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د و ر ا ب ا ر ا ل ا ا 


VISIONARY. 


It leaves an indelible 
impression оп your 
senses even before 
you turn it on. 

Its sleek. Stylish. 
Contemporary Its 
sculpted brilliance. 

Its the Elite? Pro-92 
Projection Monitor. 

This is no mere 
television. It's a theatre- 
like experience so ahead 
ofits timc, it docsn't invite 
comparison. The picture? 
Ina word, perfect. 
Images are amazingly 
bright and sharp. The 
secret is an advanced 
lens system that 
dramatically enhances 
color reproduction, 
clarity and detail. 

The Elite Projection 
Monitor. The future 
never looked so good. 

For your nearest 
Elite dealer, call 
1-800-421-1404. 


‘©1989 Ploocer Becironis (USA) Inc. LongBesch,CA 


2 
8 
2 


IT = 


< | 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE i1’S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


————RETURN OF 


he British have exported many things, but none 
(excluding the Beatles, of course) has endured as well 
as that veddy stylish cravat, the ascot. Named after 
the Ascot Heath race course, it has a peculiar design 
with an Edwardian flair; the tie is narrow at the neck, to fit 
comfortably under a shirt collar, with wider blades down the 


THE АЗСОТ —— 


front, to fill in the neckline of a shirt or a sweater. Today's 
ascots are available in the same fabrics, exciting paisleys, 
colorful floral prints and sensational patterns as neckties. To 
tie one, you just make a simple knot in the front of your neck, 
pass one blade under and over the knot, making a flap, and 
the job is done. Pip, pip, cheerio! And away you go, old chap. 


As Rhett Butler might have said to Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, when it comes to wearing an ascot, | do give a 
damn." Pictured here, top to bottom: Silk ascot with ribbon-belt print, by Mark Christopher of Wall Street, $65. Navy-and-white-silk ascot with 
geometric print, from Polo by Ralph Lauren, $85. Celadon-silk paisley ascot, by Reporter, $95. Burgundy-silk paisley ascot, from Peter Elliot, 
$90. Green-silk spaced-paisley ascot, by XMI, $65. Taupe-silk abstract-floral-print ascot, by Ermenegildo Zegna, about $80. Tie one on! 


— GRAPEVINE 


There Is Nothing 
Like a Dayne 

Singer TAYLOR DAYNE is ап 
irresistible combination of 
talent and sex appeal. For 
talent, check out her LP Can't 
Fight Fate or the hot single 
Tell It to My Heart. For 
sex appeal, check out 
Grapevine. We 
rest our case. 


(© 1989 EBET ROBERTS 


Lying Down on a Job 

Actress KIM ANDERSON is cooling her heels. 
You've seen her in Married with Children and 
music videos such as Guns п’ Roses’ Patience 
and Poison's I Want Action. She needs a rest. 


€ ROBERT MATHEU 


Critical 
Reaction 
Does ROSEANNE 
BARR look like she 
cart give back as 
good as she gets? 
We doubt it. So 
She Devil got so-so 
reviews. So her 
personal life is all 
over the tabloids. 
So what? 


and All of 
the Night 


The Kinks’ RAY DAV- 
JES 15 on a new roll. 
The Kinks were in- 
ducted into the Rock 
and Roll Hall of Fame 
this past winter and 
their latest album, 
U.K.-Jive, is making 
its move on the charts. 


€ NICK CHARLES 


The Break of Dawn 


Actress CYNTHIA DAWN MARGOLIS is busy enough 10 have 
two first names. Maybe you saw her in Road House with Patrick 
Swayze or in a Dangerous Toys music video or 

: the 1990 swimsuit issue of Inside 
Sports. But you did not see her 
between lingerie changes. For 
that—admit it— 
you need us. 
Just another 
service to 
our readers. 


Pat's Woman 

of Washington 

Although we don't take credit for it, we 

were pretty amused that after Playboy's Wom- 

en of Washington feature, Pat Sajak learned to spell love 

‘with LESLY BROWN, one of our favorite women from that pic- 
torial We spell Pat very lucky. 


Oh, 

Danny Boy s 
DANIEL LANOIS, high- f 
ly respected as а pro- 
ducer, is now making 
his own kind of music. 
Lanois, who finished 
producing an album for 
Peter Gabriel, is about 
to appear at the New 
Orleans Jazz & Herit- 
age Festival with his 


O WERNER w. POLLEINER 


y 
E 


THE CANNONBALL GOES HOME 


The Cannonball Run was the famous cross- 
country race that Brock Yates cooked up some 
years ago. To commemorate the defunct event 
(and the movie, which he wrote), Yates has 
opened the Cannonball Run Pub in his home 
town, Wyoming, New York. And if you'd like to 
down some veddy British beers and tasty food 
surrounded by such racing memorabilia as 
the nose off a Dan Gurney Eagle Indy car, the 
pub in the Gaslight Village is the place to 

kick back and cool out. If you're lucky, Yates 
will buy you a drink. Sure he will 


чочу W WN 


LIGHTS! GLAMOUR! ACTION! 


Агпу Freytag has been a 


As regular readers of Playboy know; 
Contributing Photographer about 13 years, shooting dozens of 
centerfolds, plus numerous covers and celebrity layouts, including 
those with Mariel and Margaux Hemingway: Now Freytag takes 
you on location in Glamour Through Your Lens, an hourlong VHS 
video on outdoor glamour photography techniques featuring 
three hot centerfolds Terri Lynn Doss, Dona Speir and Brandi 
Brandt. Glamour Through Your Lens is available in photogra 

phy stores for $19.95, or call 800-249-1482 and order a copy 

for $25, postpaid. Sorr the girls’ phone numbers 

aren't included, and neither arc their home addresses. 


Buy: 


HORSING AROUND ON DER BY DAY 


The Kentucky Derby will once again be off and 
running on May fifth. But if you can't make it to 
Churchill Downs, let Party Kits Unlimited, a com- 
pany at 3730 Lexington Road, Louisville, Ken- 
tucky 40207, bring the festivities to you. Party 
Kits’ catalog contains everything you need lor 

a derby party (excluding the liquor) —mint julep 
cups, jockey coasters, invitations, swizzle sticks, 
napkins, you name it. We're off and running 


HATS OFF 
TO ROY 


Resistol is one of those 
companies that have 
been around forever, 
g out 
about 


60 styles so far. 
models, such as The 
Dealer, look as though 
they came right off a 
rerun of Have Gun 
Will Travel. But the 
good-guy hat we like 
is the Roy Rogers 
(pictured here), which 
is available in white 
5X felt for $150 or 
silver-belly 4X felt for 
$130. They're so 
popular your ncigh- 
borhood Western store 
may have to special- 
order them. If Roy 
Rogers isn't your cow- 
boy legend of choice, 
Resistol also makes a 
Gene Autry look, 

also for $130, that's 
nifty, тоо. Yahoo! 


MAMA МИА, THAT’S А PASTA! 


Since 1981, John Rossi has been cranking 
ош handmade gourmet pastas created 
from the same ingredients he serves his 
family at home—fresh garlic, parsley, 
beets, jalapenos and the “highest-gluten 
unbleached spring wheat on the market.” 
The result is a tasty selection of 25 ma 
order pastas, ranging from Very Ch 
Linguini to Lobster or Calamari Fettuc- 
A catalog is available from Re 
asta, РО. Box 759, Mari ю 45750. 
Or call 800-227-6774 for instant info. Yes, 
they sell great sauces, too. 


CALL OF THE WILD 


1 to play great white hunter without 

ig to shoot anything? Humane 
Trophies, 19 Cedar Street, Brattleboro, 
Vermont 05301, sells a variety of soft- 
sculpture animal heads—and tails—that 
range from a phony black bear head ($52) 
and rear end ($76) to the same parts of an 
elephant ($160 and $150). Other species 
include hippos, jaguars, lions, rhinos and 
even pink рї "hree dollars sent to the 
above address gets you a catalog. 


ве 


CURLING UP WITH 
LADY LUCK 


n: 
asino, that the definition 
of a "pleasure establishment 
where games played for money 
are allowed" came into being. 
Since then, casinos have spread 
world-wide, and now the lore 
and lure of the green-felt 
world of gambling is captured 
in pictures and prose in Marc 
Walter and Ralph Tegtmeier's 
$65 collee-table book Casinos. 
And if the у 
enough to woo you to the ta- 
bles, the rules fora variety of 
games -luded, too. 


090.000 | 


Rx 


THE VIPER—COILED AND READY TO STRIKE 


Whats higher than a seven-story building, has 3830 feet of 
coiled-stecl track, three vertical loops, a classic corkscrew and а 
kiss-your-lunch-goodbye, head-over-heels double loop called a 
boomerang? No, it's not the train that takes you to the entrance of 
hell, its the Viper—a new roller coaster that's debuting th 
spring at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. Billed 
as the tallest, fastest looping steel roller coaster in the world, the 
Viper reaches speeds of 70 miles per hour and takes riders 171 
fect down a 55-degree drop, Wave as you go by. 


CAPITAL IDEA, 
COMRADES 


Talk about timing! A company 
in New York named Russian 
Dressing has come out with a 
log of Soviet (and Soviet- 


from Aeroflot flight jackets to a 
Russian Monopoly game and 
even a Glass-Nost marti 

with Lenin, St. Ba 
and other Soviet imagery on 
the pitcher and four glasses. 
(Now, that’s what we call prog- 
comrades.) Write to Rus- 


Russian Dressings pr 
groups working to improve 
L.S. Soviet relations. 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


TOP PLAYMATE 


HORSE МАУ 


SEX CONTROL 


“ANSWERS TO SOLDIER"—A DEADLY MISSION 
BRINGS А HIT MAN TO A SLEEPY TOWN—FICTION BY 
LAWRENCE BLOCK 


MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO'S THE FAIREST 
OF THEM ALL? OUR SPECIAL PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 
PICTORIAL REVEALS THE ANSWER. 


“WILD ORCHID"—PLAYBOY'S EXCLUSIVE PIGTORIAL 
FROM THIS YEAR'S MOST EROTIC FILM, STARRING 
JACQUELINE BISSET, CARRÉ OTIS, MICKEY ROURKE 


WILL MICHAEL BETRAY ELLIOT? WILL MELISSA FIND 
TRUE HAPPINESS? FOR THE ANSWERS TO THESE AND 
MORE WEIGHTY QUESTIONS, DON'T MISS OUR IN- 
TERVIEW WITH THE TWO CREATORS AND SEVEN 
CAST MEMBERS OF THIRTYSOMETHING 


“ТНЕ CONTROL OF SEX"—A SCARY LOOK AT THE 
ANTFABORTION, ANTIGAY, ANTIPORN AND ANTI-SEX-ED 
GROUPS THAT WANT TO SWEEP THE NATION IN A PRO- 
CELIBACY BLITZKRIEG—BY MOLLY IVINS 


“MEXICO FOR LOVERS”—FIVE EASY PLACES—FROM 
CANCUN TO PUERTA VALLARTA—THAT CAN PUT THE 
SPICE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP 


SLEEK CYCLES. 


“А DAY AT THE RACES”—ALL THE INSIDE TIPS ON 
HANDICAPPING, WAGERING AND THE RULES OF ROOT- 
ING—BY THE HORSEFLESH MAVEN OF THE WASHING- 
TON POST, ANDREW BEYER 


PRO RACE-CAR DRIVER WILLY Т. RIBBS DISCLOSES 
THE REAL STORY OF HIS FIGHT WITH SCOTT PRUETT, 
EXPLAINS THE HARROWING PLEASURES OF THE 
BREAKING CONTEST AND GIVES US HIS TIPS FOR BUY- 
ING A USED CAR IN A HIGH-OCTANE “20 QUESTIONS” 


“PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF JAZZ AND ROCK"—IN PART 
ONE OF AN IMPORTANT NEW SERIES, WE TRACE THE 
JOURNEY OF “THE DEVIL'S MUSIC" FROM WEST AFRI- 
СА TO NEW ORLEANS, WHERE IT BECAME KNOWN AS 
JAZZ—BY JOHN SINCLAIR 


“STYLE”—DONT MISS OUR NEW MONTHLY FEATURE 
ON ALL THE LATEST LOOKS AND TRENDS IN FASHION 


PLUS: "A BICYCLE BUILT FOR YOU"—PLAYBOY 
BRINGS YOU SIX PAGES OF THE SLEEKEST NEW BIKES 
ON THE MARKET; A TRIP TO MUSCLE BEACH WITH 
BODYBUILOER CORY EVERSON TO HELP PUMP YOU 
UP FOR A SUPERCHARGED SWIMWEAR PICTORIAL; 
AND MUCH, MUCH MORE 


ТНЕ 
РКОРЕК 
WAY 
TO TIE 
A 
TIE. 


Y 


THE 
PROPER 


Canadian Gb 
I HWE BYES: Ti IN TAHTE Се FE SE IN 87 LAN DS 


40% эк мө Blended Caracas Whisky imported Ese by Hram Walker and Suns, ne Farmington His. M © 1990 


Nobody 
has the Carlton 
combination. 


: З 
ww Car, 2. 
1 mg.) А97 Поп Á | Lowest 
J nicotine. 


(0.1 mg.) 


B 
"Thetaste 
that's right 
or me?’ 


King Sue Soft Pack. 1 mg. "rar", 0.1 mg. ncotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 
© The American Tobacco Co. 1989.