Full text of "PLAYBOY"
à TWIN PEAKS’
nz SHERILYN FENN
JAY LENO | |
INTERVIEW 882 š
The most remarkable people in this world don't appear on movie screens
or in sports arenas or on television tubes. They drive cabs and work in
offices and operate machinery. They’re just ordinary people like us who
happened to have experienced something extraordinary. And survived.
Pilot Hank
Dempsey fell out of an
airplane at 2,500 feet when
a rattling door he was checking
suddenly opened. He hung onto
stairs outside the plane and was
inches from the runway when his co-
pilot landed twenty minutes later.
Hank is wearing our flight watch,
the Timex Zulu Time: It has
three time zones, and
costs about $60.
TIMEX
990 Tne Co orth el rawr a 2038-8403.
William Lamm
was scuba diving when he
was sucked into an offshore
water intake pipe for a nuclear
power plant. He travelled 1,650 feet at
50 miles per hour before he was spat
into a canal at the power station. Bill
is wearing a water-resistant Timex
men’s watch. Appropriately, its
hands glow in the dark. It
costs about $45.
gin Шк
as Rodney Fox &
was attacked Буа 1,200- у
^, pound Great White Shark. He
4s. fought off the shark by gouging ©
its eyes, but not before it tore open ^
Z his entire upper torso, requiring 500 ©
m stitches. He still has a scar the shape X
of the shark's jaws. Rodney is wear- ^
7. ing the water-resistant Timex <
© Ironman" Triathlon’ watch. ©
It costs about $45. ш
+
Tax ©
TIMEX
o uw Tre cor To era o me ea ae
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Keith Morton and two of his greatest pleasures in life.
The water ski he’s basically lived on since he was 15. And comfortable jeans.
PLAYBILL
LAYBOY OrENS the holiday season with a look at what we some-
nes forget is the impetus behind all the baubles and lights in
mber. Garry Wills, our keenest student of Presidential elec
minds us in Under God (also the title of his new book
h this article was adapted) that religion is not only alive
d well but growing in America—and remains a potent force in
s out that in ten Americans have never
doubted the existence of God. Eight in ten believe in a Judgment
Day Seven in ten believe in life after death. This article (illustra
ed by Roger Brown) underscores a notion we don't always recog-
nize: Religion does not waver, only the attention of the observer
does. Or put it another way: As you sit down to watch the Super
Bowl next month, remember that more people go to church on
1 attend all professional sports events combined.
y cheer, we sent Diek Lochte to intervi
Jay leno, a тап who spends more than half his nights“on the
road, making people laugh. ing is just part of the job.”
a but I don't think people want to hear some comedian
ning about how bad lile is. “Hey, you're at the Marriott! You're
getting paid a lot of dough! Shut up, please" " He deserves every
ew
penny. As we were going to press, Jay was planning to do USO.
concerts in the Persian Gulf. Can you imagine Leno of Arabia on
the back of a Vincent Black Shadow, riding across the desert
sands? And you thought Vegas was tough?
E. Jean Carroll's last piece for Playboy was titled In Search of
Primitive Man, about her venture into the jungles ol New
Guinea. She has continued the trek from Stone Age village 10
electronic village with her revealing profile of Peter Jennings in
The Kiss of the Anchor Man. That's righi—we said kiss. Because
behind that trusty, lantern-jawed, silver-voiced
heart of a sexy guy: Just ask the women in his life; our wr
nd came up with some lip-smacking insights. The art
sed un research for a book of imerviews on TV news to be pub-
lished next year. We wonder what the women in Brokaws and
Rather's lives have to say,
The holidays are also an occasion for a triple-bill fiction y
aye. Consider them the ghosts of Christmas past, Christa
present and Christmas future. Stanley Elkin brings us Christe
past with The MacGuffin, an excerpt from his new novel pub-
lished by Simon & Schuster. The story looks at the coming
groanings of courtship inthe Fifties and the h ro expla
he ended up marrying his college sweetheart: “Because he loved
her, because no one could hold his tongue in som
100 nights without developing a ce
id as a whole, the neck and everythi
people look back at the Fifties as a time of
n. Elkins wry story will remind you of
ES best known as th
es us а blackly humor
ion of the present. Gibberich fecu dig ihe col
Ken Phipps. who wakes up to find that he cant understand a
word any nd that the people around him misun-
me else's
vouth for 80 out of the pi
п fondness for the he:
Nowaday
rested on.
od old davs. Thomas
come from the Grimm imagi
Maybe Phipps should
lips” line. Fora
ty tales, provides the
sident Bush's “Read my
spirit, we give voi
ply Orsinian Tales. She uses the lens of fiction to respond to the
events that have swept Europe in the past year. Freedom is
the ultimate Christmas. present. Her mythical Orsini, long
repressed, opens up; its citizens, apprehensive and hopeful.
react, The last scene, of crowds gathered in the square.
WILLS
BROWN
LOCHTE
ODON
Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), December 1990, volume 37 nu
680 North Lake Shor
Subscriptions: in the U.S., $26 for
12 issues. Postma
до, Hlinois 60611. Second-class postage paid
ter: Send address cha
ational and regional editions, Playboy,
chicago, Ilinois, and at additional mailing offices.
gc to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007.
GOLDSTEIN
WIEDER
‘COOK
[2n
HARWOOD
LIYWOOD
AZUMA
HANDELSMAN
keys to create a silvery hymn to freedom, isa vision you will carry
into the future. Mel Odom supplied the visuals.
In Hooked on the Andaman Sea, Al Goldstein, the notorious jour
+ hedonist, boulevardier and weightloss victim, heads off to
Thailand in search of the perfect trophy sailfish. What he catch-
es and what he learns while chasing the big one should inspire
the sportsman in all of us. Now we hear Goldsteins running lor
sherifi—of Втома lorida—on a First Amendment
ticker. You nemh mendment: Is the one that lets
you get Playboy. say what you please and meet with whomever
you like. Robert Scheers Reporters Notebook looks at a potential
ia of the new conservat
al liberty has a blind spot
сез, urging state intrusion into
oncerned that with the defrost
ing of the Cold War, the se for new enemies and new war:
will turn inward. Will gay-bashing replace Red-baiting? Maybe
we should all make a holiday resolution: Until sexual freedom.
ranteed for all, it exists for none.
nough seriousness. Next thing you know, well be asking vou
to give your Christmas bonus to charity. Actually, we talked with
only one—the folks at NASA. If our space cadets had the budget
of. say the SEL bail-out, what would they spend it on? Our spy in
the sky gives us stocking stullers for the high-tech ser. What
about gifts in the less-than-12-figure category? Contributing Edi-
tor Kevin Cook, golf nut. Rotisserie League ut © guy as
sembled a list of the Best Gifts Ever Given. Articles Editor John
Rezek put together a travel feature lor people who are Not Home
for the Holidays, about where to get away from the madding
crowds. Free-lance writer, home owner and stand-up comedian
Robert S. Wieder contributes a nifty feature: Celebrity Christmas
Cards, with holiday wishes from ıl ch and famous. Since
Wieder is neither rich nor famous but would like to be both, he
asked us to tell the world that he is performing comedy at the
Holy City Zoo in San № isco on December 14 and 15, and that
he could use a plug, (Gee, that was easy. Maybe we should audi-
tion lor Jay Leno’ job.) According to Wieder, ihe Chrisumas-card
gig worked out so well he is creating a light opera based on the
suicide notes of historical figures.
Forget what other people want for Christmas. We know what
stocking stuffers we like: Most of them are celebrated in Jim Har-
woods annual Sex Stars feature, for which Assistant Photo Editor
Potty Beaudet collected the pictures. Since you've been very good
this year, we added a 20 Questions with Elizabeth Perkins (Tom
Hanks’s sexy co-star in Big) and a pictorial on Sherilyn Fenn,
Peaks and knotted cherry stems. Barry Hollywood snapped the
shutter gathered the inside information for
Fenn-tastic! Rounding out the visual treats—A Field Guide to the
Birds of Britain, shot by photographer Byron Newman, and a
smashing Playmate, Morgen Fox. Christmas is the time of year
when we yield to the most craven materialistic fantasies. Doing
our part to fuel capitalism and show the spoils of the Cold War
we present our annual Christmas Gift Guide (photographed by
Don Azuma) and something that will really ignite stuff lust, a look
through Contributing Photographer Richard fzui's lens at Million
Dollar Babies. Remember when you had wet dreams over the
1962 F 250 GTO Berlinetta, which at $19,5
a whole years salary? One just sold for almost $11,000,000, Our
поточе expert Ken Gross discusses the phenomenon and
points outa few collectibles worth acquiring now. Face it, the cost
of adrenaline has spiraled over the years. Now a pair of high per
form id for your first car
But they are worth Fashion Editor Hellis Wayne's
Powder Play (a dow nd-ge
perience a white Christmas in style)
Tired of Christmas carolers? Turn to the Playboy Jazz and Rock
Poll, ill it out and put it in the m; Enter the Hall of Fame
sweepstakes for the chance to win a Volkswagen Corrado, Want
lay spirit? Study Glas Act, John Oldcostle's sampling of premi-
um vodkas, pour one, pull up a chair and settle down for 3. B.
Handelsmon’s "lias the Night Before Christmas. We've tried to
make this a holiday issue you'll never forget
Ne
of Tuin
r collection to let you ex-
hol
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PLAYBOY
vol. 37, no. 12—december 1990 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL ——0SXSnnS—SX e 3
DEAR PLAYBOY E E ы 2 Ж 11
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS .. 19
MEN... - ASA BABER 34
SPORIS. .. DAN JENKINS 36
WOMEN. . - CYNTHIA HEIMEL 38
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR . 41
THE PLAYBOY FORUM. ee m Brit Birds
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK: COMING ovr RIGHT—opinion .. ROBERT SCHEER 55
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JAY LENO—condid conversation . 57
GARRY WILLS 78
„text by GLENN O'BRIEN 82
‚ AL GOLDSTEIN 92
UNDER GOD—article
FENN-TASTICI— pictorial
HOOKED ON THE ANDAMAN SEA—article
PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE... . . RENT 94
UNLOCKING THE AIR—fiction deme : URSULA K. LEGUIN 100
NOT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS—travel......................... JOHN REZEK 104
Gorbled Gab
THE KISS OF THE ANCHOR MAN—personolity . E. JEAN CARROLL 106
MILLION-DOLLAR BABIES—modern living . P " -.KEN GROSS 110
GLAS ACT—drink ç —— JOHN OLDCASTLE 116
THE MACGUFFIN—fiction . . STANLEY ELKIN. 118
CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS CARDS... . .. ROBERT S. WIEDER 120
2151 CENTURY FOX—playboy’s playmate of the кой. m 122
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ................... H EXIT
BEST GIFTS EVER GIVEN—humor KEVIN COOK 136
20 QUESTIONS: ELIZABETH PERKINS а 138
GIBBERISH- fiction . .THOMAS BERGER. 140
^ FIELD GUIDE TO THE BIRDS OF BRITAIN pictorial, . 144
WHAT NASA WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS .................. iene 1156
POWDER PLAY fashion. 3 уе... HOLLIS WAYNE 162
SEX STARS OF 1990— pictorial... .. -............. text by JIM HARWOOD 170
‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISIMAS—humor . J. B. HANDELSMAN 181
PLAYBOY JAZZ AND ROCK POLL 1991 182
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ...................... 245
COVER STORY
Meet Sherilyn Fenn, the femme fatale of Twin Peaks wha used her magic
tongue and a cherry stem to create ane of TV's sexiest moments. Our caver
was produced by West Caast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski, styled by L.A.
Reps Denise Steiner and shot by Barry Hollywood. Thanks to Profiles Paul
Starr far Sherilyn's make-up, L.A. Reps Angelo Di Biose for her hair and Butler
8 Wilson, L.A., for her elegant jewelry. Our Robbit adds splash to the sash.
eb EOMOMA AND GAP MATERIAL Wi BE TREATEO AS UNEONDITIONALL ASSIGNED FOR PUBLICATION MO COFYIHENT PURPOSES AND MATENA. Vi GE SURJEET TO РЕМ ОГУ UNESTA TED MONT TO
uoneshe suascau non POL
BETWEEN PAGES BO af їч ANEOWA AND MEW MEXICO NEWSSTAND AND SUBSCRIPTION COMES, PARTED IN USA
PLAYBOY
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PLAYBOY
HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief
ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art direclor
GARY COLE photography director
EDITORIAL
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK rdilor: PETER. MOORE
senior editor; FICTION: ALICE K TURNER editor
MODERN LIVING: bwin STEVENS senior edi
lor; Ер WALKER associate editor: BETH TOMRIW as
sistant edito, TERESA GROSCH associate
editor, WEST COAST: STEMMEN RANDALL editor:
STAFF: GRETCHEN EDGREN senior editor: JAMES н.
PETERSEN senior staf] writer: BRUCE KLUGER, BAR
BARA NELLIS KATE NOLAN associate editors: Юну
LUSK traffic coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE
editor: WENIN GRAY assistant editor; CARTOONS:
MICHELLE URRY editor: COPY: ARLENE восил»
editor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant editor: MARY ZION
senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE
JACKIE CAREY, BARI NASH, REMA SMITH researchers:
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA nant. DENIS
HOMES, KEVIN COOK. LAURENCE GONZALES
LAWRENCE GRONEL CYNTHIA HEIMEL WILLIAM }
HELMER. DAN JENKINS, WALTER LOWE. JR. D. KEITH
MANO. REG FOTLERTON. DAVID RENSIN. RICHARD
RHODES. DAVID SHEFE DAVID. STANDISH, MORGAN
STRONG. BRUCE WILLIAMSON (толем, SUSAN
MARGOLIS WINTER
ART
KERIG POPE managing director: CHET SUSKL LEN
WILLIS senior directors: BRUCE HANSEN. ERIC SNOP:
sure associate directors; KRISTIN KORJENEK. JOSEP!
PACZEK assistant directors; KELAY CURIE junior di
recov; ANN МЕШИ. senior keyline and paste-up
artist; BILL. BENWAY, PAUL CHAN ar assistants
PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coust editor; JEFF COMEN
managing editor: LINDA KENNEY. JAMES LARSON
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; PATTY
BEAUDEL asustan? editor; POMPEO POSAR senior
staff photographer, STEVE CONWAY assistant photog-
raphe: WN CHAN, MENARD FEGIN AEN
FREYTAG. RICHARD IZOL DAWID SIEGEN, BYRON
NEWMAN. STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photogra-
phers; SHELAE WELLS stylist: STEVE LEVITT color
lab supervisor: JONS coss. business manage
PRODUCTION
JOHN. MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
RITA JOHNSON assistant managers JODY JURGELO,
RICHARD QUARTAROLL CARRIE HOCKNEY assistants
CIRCULATION
BARBARA CUTAN subscription circulation diec
Jor; ROMERT ODONNELL retail marketing and sales
director: STEVE M COMEN communications director
JEFFREY D MORGAN associate ad director; SALES
DIRECTORS. ROBERT MCLEAN wed (Odi, STEVE
MEISNER midwest, PAUL VURCOVI E. nean york
READER SERVICE
OSS EACEYSIKICH manager: LINDA STRUM
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents
ADMINISTRATIVE
EILEEN KENT editorial services manager; MARGIN
TERRONES rights G permissions. administrator
PLAVBOY
CHRISTIE HEENER chair
¡TERPRISES, INC.
executive officer
UNICORN
THE MESSENGER OF LOVE
by Dauid Cornell
THE UNICORN. Fabulous creature of
ive soul can only be
magic power.
And whose eternal spirit is now
portrayed—as never before — in a
remarkable sculpture, hand-cast in
fine bisque porcelain and hand-painted
with 24kt. gold accents.
Created by an acclaimed British
sculptor, it is a regal interpretation
of this wondrous, horse-like creature.
Available to.you now — exclusively
from The Franklin Mint. $120.
ORDER FORM
Please mail by December 31, 1990.
Limit: One sculpture per order
The Franklin Mint + Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091
ease accept my order for "Unicorn, The Messenger of Love," to be
crafted for me in fine imported bisque porcelain and hand-painted
with 24ke. gold accents
I need send по money now. I will be billed in 4 equal monthly
installments of $302 each, beginning when my sculptun
be sent ro me Phi
ady to
SIGNATURE
MR/MRS/MISS
ADDRESS
CITY/STATE/ZIP
85150-42
a)
m arproximately actual size of C" in height se
1955.
Tiny Tim Holiday Songs
You always come back to the basics.
í m
DEAR PLAYBOY
ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE
80 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, ILUNDIS 60611
RICKEY HENDERSON
Until I read Lawrence Linderman's
Playboy Interview with Rickey Henderson
in the September issue, 1 had always
thought of Henderson as nothing more
than a talented hot dog without a func-
tional brain cell. I was truly startled to
scover how bright this guy is and how
articulate he can be. His description of a
good lead-off batter's job—trying to get
the opposing pitcher to show every pitch
he has so that he can tell his teammates
what to look for—is classic. I coach a
pony-league baseball team every sum-
mer and from now on, I'm going to give
every kid who leads off for me a copy of
Henderson's description of his job.
Lee Thomas
Los Angeles, California
1 was amazed and touched that a man
with such a gargantuan ego as Rickey
Henderson's could actually break down
in tears when discussing the death of
Billy Martin. However, I wonder if, were
the situation reversed, Martin would
have cried over the loss of Henderson.
Frank Allen
Washington, D.C.
LITTLE TYRANNIES
In his article "Keeping the Sin Out
in the August Forum,
Stephen Chapman states, "This pol
[prosecuting purveyors of ‘objection-
able’ material] gets noticed in the rest of
the country only in exceptionally absurd
cases.”
Long before the Robert Mapple-
thorpe exhibition, local “authorities”
were abridging the rights of artists to ex-
press and create. In 1970, I (then a high
school art teacher in Fulton, New York,
working on my master's at SUNY, Os-
wego) was instructed by a school admin-
istrator to forbid my students to work
with the colors red, white and blue, be-
cause those were the colors of our coun-
try. I was also told to keep a "suspects
list” and that [ must report all student
confidences to him. I was warned that if
1 didn't do those things, he would see
that I never worked again.
The place to look for tyrants in Amer-
ica is not in Washington but in the small
towns across the nation, where “the pol-
icy gets noticed only in exceptionally ab-
surd cases.”
Many good people are silenced and
relegated to obscurity, their credibility
destroyed by the lies and innuendoes of
petty tyrants armed with the authority of
school principal, school superintendent,
county sheriff, town supervisor, highway
superintendent or, perhaps, arts-council
president. Alexis de Tocqueville warned
more than 100 years ago that Amer-
ica might become a nation of petty
tyrants. Forums such as yours provide a
valuable—indeed, precious—vehicle in
which to fight such abuses.
Archie Q. White, President
and Executive Director
County Arts Council
Hebron, New York
CAPTIVE HONOR
The article Captive Honor, by Geoffrey
Norman, in the September issue tells an
incredible story. Unfortunately, the story
continues. On the day that our POWs
were released, the Vietnamese checked
off their names as they went to the table
and the Americans did the same, How
ever, the American team had the names
of more than 70 additional men (the
so-called discrepancy cases) who were
thought to be alive and in the prison sys-
tem. Not one of them has been returned
alive.
Nearly 600 men disappeared in Laos.
The Laotians claimed on many occa-
sions to have American prisoners. To
this day, not one has come home.
A $2,400,000 reward, pledged by 21
Congressmen and a few businessmen,
has been offered to any Asian who re-
turns an American POW.
On October 3, 1988, a reporter and I
were captured in Laos passing out mon-
ey with the reward message stamped on
it. We were held for 41 days and then
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PLAYBOY
expelled from the country.
I am enclosing a copy of a Defense
Intelligence Agency cable dated Novem-
ber 1988, the time of my release. It de-
scribes how a Laotian went to the Joint
Casualty Resolution Center in the U.S.
embassy in Bangkok, told them he had
260 Americans in his camp, provided
photographs of nine of them and asked
how to get the reward. He was told not
to be too quick believe every rumor
one hears.
When 1 asked the agency's Colonel
Joseph Schlauer about the cable, he
claimed that the DIA had never received
any photos and that the information w:
unverifiable. He explained away ev
thing except why an agency of our G
ernment was discouraging the return of
American Servicemen who had been
abandoned long ago by implying to pco-
ple in Asia that the reward was just a
rumor.
The final chapter has yet to be writ
ten.
Jim Copp
Hampstead, North Carolina
Your article on the POWs is incom-
plete in that it makes no mention of the
POWs who are sull held captive in
Southeast Asia.
In my work as a POW activist, 1 have
met many returned POWs and have
scen a common bond among all of them:
their overpowering concern for their
countrymen who have not yet returned.
Many, such as Red McDai
Senator Jeremiah Denton, have devoted
their lives to the frustrating task of ob-
taining the release of our POWs.
Perhaps their plight is a subject for a
other article, but at least they should be
given honorable mention.
Gloria Pollard, Colorado Coordinator
The Release Foundation
Meeker, Colorado
PLAYMATE BETTER THAN COFFEE
We are sure everyone in the U.S. is
aware of the current Persian Gulf crisis
and the American troops in the Middle
East. We, the pilots of the 33rd Tactical
Fighter Squadron, are among those over
here to defend and execute U.S. inter-
ests and policies.
We are not wri „ though, to talk
about the political situation but to thank
Playboy and Miss December 1989, Petra
Verkaik, for helping us make the longest
(16% hours) nonstop flight in history in
single-engine, single-seat fighter
craft. Very few people understand what
it takes to complete a flight like that.
One thing that all pilots are familiar
with is check lists. Well, intermixed
throughout our deployment check lists
that detail air routes, in-flight refueling
points, emergency divert bases and navi-
gation points were pictures of Miss De-
cember. As some of us were about to fall
asleep before our 12th air-to-air refuel-
ing, a glance at the well-proportioned
Playmate gave us the energy and moti-
vation to stay alert! Across the Atlantic,
over the Strait of Gibraltar, over Sar-
dinia, Italy, Greece, Egypt, the Red Sea
and on to our final destination, Petra
traveled with us in the most combat-
capable, sophisticated fighter in the
world—the F- 16.
33rd Tactical Fighter Squadron
APO New York, New York
Always glad to do our part for our men
overseas, guys.
KLIBAN
Shortly after 1 received my September
issue of Playboy, I read about the death
of B. Kliban, the cat creator and fre-
quent contributor to Playboy. Kliban al-
ways made me laugh. I'm sure I echo
the sentiments of many other readers
who enjoyed his cartoons in saying that
Kliban will be missed.
John Shellenberg
Offutt AFB, Nebraska
We, too, regret the loss of such a talented
cartoonist. However, you and other fans
should know that we're planning a Кап
retrospective for our January issue, including
"T
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corer SP vast
SSH RTL
PATERET
Siria MEA
Alien
some of his funniest cartoons published
m Playboy over the past two decades. You
can also be heartened by the knowledge that
Playboy owns a sizable collection of his un-
published cartoons, so we'll be able to keep his
wonderfully mordant vision alive for many is-
sues lo come.
PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST UPDATE
While Gary Cole is proudly cari
the flame lit by the late Anson Mount,
needs to pay a little more attention to
this year's N.EL. play-off changes in for-
mat (Playboy's Pro Football Forecast,
September). Three teams, not two, from
each conference are being included as
wild cards in this season's play-offs. Ac-
cording to Cole, the Redskins, the Lions
and the Packers are slated to go 9-7 in
the N.EC., and the A.EC. has the Bron-
cos and the Oilers 9-7. Who else gets in,
Gary?
Craig A. Gummer
San Francisco, California
Cole's reply: Oops! Of course you're right.
We discussed the change in the wild-card for-
mat in our article but then neglected to in-
clude the additional teams in our winners’
chart.
Something in our nature must have re-
belled at the thought of the N.E.L.'s making its
play-off system similar to the N-H.L.'s, a for-
mat that renders the regular season almost
meaningless.
The omitted wild-card picks: Houston in
the A.EC., Washington in the N.EC.
CHARLIE SHEEN
Laurence Gonzales’ profile of Char-
lie Sheen (Charlie Sheen Goes to War,
Playboy, September) reveals once again
that actors by and large are empty ves-
sels into which someone pours an idea.
Unfortunately, being surrounded by a
coterie of slobbering sycophants and be-
ing paid amounts of money dispropor-
tionate to their value to society, they
develop an unrealistic sense of their own
importance.
While showing these generalities to be
only too true for Charlie Sheen, Gonza-
les gives us insight into not only the son
but his father, Martin Sheen, as well.
With all the senior Sheen's professed
concerns about injustices, he has been
able to do no better than to raise a sadis-
tic monster whose first reaction to the
sight of a microwave oven is, “Lets get a
hamster and a video camera.”
Roger Brincker
. Fort MacLeod, Alberta
RUBBER JUMP
1 just finished reading Craig Vetter's
article Rubber Jump (Playboy, September)
and am disappointed that there is no in-
formation about how to contact Bungee
Adventures. I've been interested in
bungee jumping for some time but have
no idea how to go about it. I would
greatly appreciate any information you
can give me.
Gregory P. Amer
Fort Richardson, Alaska.
Write to Bungee Adventures, 2218 Old
Middlefield Way, Suite G, Mountain View,
California 94043.
AREAL DISH
In the Sixties, you published a recipe
for steak Diane to be prepared entirely
at the table, using a chafing dish.
I have attempted but have been un-
able to locate the issue that contains this
recipe. Any help you can give me would
be greatly appreciated.
Earl S. Tate
Longview, Texas
Glad to help, Earl. That recipe has proba-
bly been used by more bachelors than any oth-
er for a romantic dinner for two. “Table
Steaks” ran in the September 1969 issue of
Playboy.
min
H
Discs themselves.
So why play aroünd with anyone else?
You don't have to be a digital audio expert to step of the way home. So to recapture that same energy and
right CD changer. You just have to know о щы listen to the Sony CDP-C705 Carousel Changer.
Sony. In the studio, Sony digi- “r= Marvel at its 5-disc conven-
tal recorders capture all jence. Thrill to its sound.
the energy and emotion of And discover you get
the music. Then Sony = ____= "X more outof the music
professional expertise SON¥ ~~" de g — __ | from the people who
takes the music every = — > =s — = = | put more into it.
SONY.
буш sommer a ‘THE LEADER IN DIGITAL AUDIO”
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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS
SWINGING TIME
The black swing bands of the Thirties
were the ultimate in rhythm machines,
and now a group of New Yorkers has found
a way to put them into a time machine
Once a week, The New York Swing Dance
Society turns The Cat Club into the Savoy
Ballroom—Harlems Home for Happy
Feet—with a live band and a dance floor
full of lindy hoppers. The scene swings
around Frankie Manning, a member of
the original Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers, who
performed at the Savoy, and winner of a
Tony for his choreography of Black and
Blue on Broadway. Todays bands include
musicians who actually performed at the
Savoy, such as guitarist Al Casey, whose
recording career started with Fats Waller.
But most players, such as the members of
30-year-old saxist and Goodman scholar
Loren Schoenberg's 18-piece band, hadn't
even been born when the Savoy closed
The inspiration for the society came
from Mannings annual monthlong trips
to Scandinavia to teach the jitterbug
hose Swedes are just crazy for black
terbugging,” explains Rebecca Reitz, one
of the society's board members. “Our goal
is to keep the music and the dancing sus-
taining cach other. This isnt nostalgia
night for people to sit around and listen to
medleys of big-band themes.”
Dancers young enough to be his g
children flock to the lessons that Manning
gives. And this time, the time warp has a
real Nineties benefit: For keeping in shape,
it’s a lot more sociable than jogging in the
park,
and.
FAR EAST STOMP
With the possible exception of San Fran.
ciscans, nobody's more conscious of earth-
quakes than residents of Tokyo. Which
plains why hyperkinetic rock-concert
fans are worrying the Japanese construc
tion ministry Seems they've taken to
jumping up and down to express their en-
thusiasm, resulting in one case, on the sec-
ond floor of the 10,000-scat Budokan
arena, of a jolt recorded as equivalent to a
four on the Richter scale, At a private club
in a Tokyo suburb, the practice has created
large cracks in the floor. Ministry officials
are urging music lovers to do a little less
footwork.
EUROPEAN SUITS
In the land that gave the world Perry
Mason and Judge Wapner, its casy to as
sume that America holds permanent title to
the cup in the arena of litigational oddities
But we take some comfort in noting that
aren't without our competitors abroad
Take the lawsuit filed by an Italian man
and woman over an “accidental” pregnan-
су that occurred at a popular parco di
amore in Naples, While they were engaged
in traditional amorous activities in a Fiat
Panda (now, that we'd like to see), the car
was rear-ended by another—inevitably
larger—vehicle. The impact caused a mo-
mentary loss of control, which in turn re-
sulted in unplanned parenthood. The
couple is seeking damages from the in-
surance company to cover the cost of auto
repairs and an unanticipated wedding.
Near Marseilles, another loss of control
we
NLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO
led to a $1,000,000 suit filed by a French
teenager, but in this case, the wedding is
off. An 18-year-old woman is seeking emo-
tional damages inflicted at a swimming
party. Rather than seek out the WC., she
found relief in the pool. Unfortunately,
four smares had thoughtfully laced the
pool with a chemical th:
turns water red
in the presence of urine. The woman
claims the incident caused her fiancé to
break off their engagement and necessit
ed eight months of psychiatric counseling
HOG BUTCHER
The wild West is alive and well, albeit
semimechanized, in Montana
Near the town of Ronan, a 40-year-old
lonesome cowboy donned a full suit of
Western gear, including chaps, mounted
his horse and took off in the direction of
his ex-girlfriend's place. There he discov-
ered a Harley-Davidson parked outside
her mobile home.
According to police reports, the cow-
poke allegedly roped the cycle, dragged it
out onto the lawn, shot it in the cylinder
head with a rifle, remounted his horse and
rode off into the sunrise. He was subse-
quently apprehended and charged with
felony assault and criminal mischief
HEAVY DIETING
According to the Center for Science in
the Public Interest, the regular ‘Taco Bell
taco contains 183 calories; the Taco Light
has 410. At presstime, Taco Bell had just
announced it had phased out the
Light
RABBIT, DO YOUR THING
The rabbit may be the last creature you
expected to see on the Federal endan-
gered-species list, but S;
hefneri, which got its unique name because
the Playboy Foundation funded the work
that led to its scientific description as а
new subspecies about ten years ago, has
made it. The dark-brown bunny. which
now numbers only about 200, resides ex-
dlusively in the marshes of the Florida
Keys. Maybe there were too many bache-
lors among them.
йаки palustris
19
20
TEEN TALK
Nothing is older
than old slang.
sroowy? And nothing
newer or more Cul
ting-edge than teen
ge slang But who
over the age of 21 can
speak it? With that
thought in mind,
we've put торе
this glossary of what's
on the úp of tee
tongues today, li
ically speaking.
Our thanks to Paul
Dickson's Slang! The
Topic-by-Topic Diction-
ary of Contemporary
American Lingoes.
FACT OF THE MONTH
* Seven Amcrican communi-
SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS |
fresh: fine; very
good.
full hank: nerd.
.
gank: irt
` not cool; total.
ly stupid
geed: looking good.
gel: to relax.
gel naked: not what
it seems, but rather a
way lo say “get going."
“Get up!": “Good
job!”
goob/gooker: nerd;
loser. But “to gooker”
is to spit through one’s
two front teeth.
"Good — answer!"
Family Feud television
agro: mad; pissed ies have actually banned show i
off. "repetitive driving,” known to — 80005: girlfriend.
ass out: in trouble. fers CE nU ER E
. Phoenix, Arizona, plans to lim- ° ;
bake: to smoke mar- it its cruisers to a “jam zon hein: person who is
ijuana.
bald: bad; terrible.
beat: terrible.
betty: a hot girl.
biftad: a preppie (as in “Say, Biff!”
“Yes, Tad?" according to the San Fran-
cisco Chronicle).
biscuit: easy.
buff: muscular; tough.
burly: a hard thing to accomplish.
burn: (1) to be put down; (2) a pue
down (as in “What a burn, Dad”).
buzza: Whats up?
.
chuborian: fatty.
cob: not cool; dopey
costing: expensive (as in shoes (hat
look costing).
cozy: dull or lacking in inter
crushin: looking good, especially
clothes.
cujine: cousin;
in an Italian ne
version: cujetle
me as homeboy,
shborhood.
pensive car that. has
ung driver by his or
daddylac: an
been given to à
her parents.
def: outstanding; terrific.
disldiss: to show disrespect; to harass.
dual: good.
duker: massive bowel movement.
.
fat: nice; good.
ugly and/or possessed
of a rotten personality
hittin’: good-tasting.
homeboy: a neighborhood fr
hubba: stupid.
.
jank: all-purpose noun.
Joanin’:
insulting publicly (as in
г me about my car").
.
lampin’: hanging out, as one does
when standing by a lamppost.
load: c
loaf: a far person
.
money: frie
“My bad”:
1.
queef: f:
rack up: kick someone in the re;
end
.
Shot who? : Wh Pardon me
stale: to punch out; to “stole him" isto.
hit him with a knockout punch
.
wocbetide: bad news
woof: to brag.
.
zoiks: what to say when there is
ing else 10 say It ha
HOT ROCK
For years, tourists on the island of
Molokai, Hawaii, have visited
hoa, which “the
hos.” Locals
"the phallic roc
Nanahoa as a
»nfused
led his penis for someone else
nese tourists have
legend reveres
not to
ymbol of sexuality:
Now ar
AR hei
Rock, Cafe logo. The inscription’ res
PHALLIC ROCK CAFÜMOLORAUHANMUBETWEEN
A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE,
This may be hard to believe, but Uncle
Ruck in the new
TV series (“Nowhere is the talk more
foul,
toned-down version of Meaney's st
comedy persona, a guy who likes 10 ser
d the rules
ade spent developing his own
brand of comedic madness, Kevin was no-
ticed by CBS producers who caught his
< Kevin Meaney plays hi
observes Newsweek), is ac
off of la m
an avuncular baby sitter.
E don't think they looked at anyone
else." Me v says modestly, "and if they
did, heads will roll.
How closely does life imitate art? "My
sisters won't let me baby-sit their children;
says the 34-year-old bachelor. “But Гуе al-
ways been good with kids, except when 1
was one myself. Then I'd get everybody in-
to trouble doing things like climbing the
water tower, The police and fire engine
- At least we didnt sign our names ii
nt. We used black masking tape,
which would be a good idea for kids today."
Outside of prime time and club gigs,
Meaney maintains a presence on The
comedy Channel, HBO's 24-hour la
network. “I'm the Charles Kuralt of The
Comedy Channel," he says. “I travel with a
camera crew and talk with people on the
streets of America. They have noidea who
Tam.”
Now they do, Kevi
call you Buck.
But they'll probably
The coins in this collection
will bear the Royal coinage
portrait of Queen Elizabeth Il.
Shown actual size. Diameter:
38mm,
A. extraordinary series
of official legal tender coins—
the first of its kind ever issued
by any government...
A collection of 25 sterling silver Proof co:
issued by the government of the British Virgin Islands,
portraying the most important sunken treasures of the Caribbean—
recovered and unrecovered.
Acailable by subscription only.
Face value: $20 U.S.
Price for Collectors Proofs: $29 U.S.
Price guaranteed for subscriptions
entered by December 31, 1990.
THE CARIBBEAN. Once the crossroads of
empire and wealth...where, today, ad-
venturers explore for treasure ships that
went to the depths laden with riches be-
yond measure
And now, you can acquire a e
ial coinage that embodies the seafaring
lage of the €
sterling silver cc
legendary treasures of the Spani
These large ill be struck.
only in solid s 1 even finer
grade of silver than most of the original
pieces of eight.
The treasure portrayed on each coin has
been selected through a major initiative
involving marine archaeologists, treasure-
offi
h Main.
divers, the British Museum, Lloyds of
id the Archivo General de las
leading authority on Spanish
colonial shipping.
There will be coins showing exquisite
works of silver and gold. Others will de-
pict signifi chaeological finds. And
perhaps most intriguing of all will be the
silver coins portraying treasures still un-
discovered —but whose existence is
kı E n through drawings, ships’ manifests,
an
This isa collection unsurpas
by the coinage of
T
din scope
ny nation in our time
ent of the British » Is
ls has authorized its official minter.
he Franklin Mint, to accept and fulfill
valid applications. Subscriptions entered
by December 31, 1990, llle accepted at
the guaranteed price of $29 for each ster-
ling silver Proof.
Each Proof coin will be accompanied by
fi location map. A
special presentation case for the collection
will be provided at no extra cost
To be sure of the guaranteed price. re-
turn your application by December 31st.
Please mail by
December 31, 1990.
The Franklin Mint
Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091
Please enter my subseription for one
Pr Í “The Treasure Coins of the
Caribbean,” consisting of jus of
the British Virgin Islands with the
Tace value of S20. U.S. each. minted in
Sterling silver und sent to me one per
month.
us my state sales tax
and S153 for shipping and handling.
SIGNATURE
MB/MBSAMISS.
ADDRESS.
сү
A مھ ا کا ые en
STATE/ZIP
STYLE
FORMAL FLANNEL
Thin is in for flannel, lighter-weight fabric thars comfortable
enough to wear around the house but tailored enough to wear
with a tie to the office. Boston Trader
and pleated back to its tr al lumberj
colors with teal, berry and gold. These brushed-cotto
shirts have the look and feel of an old favorite the first time
arms into the sleeves
Grethel offers cot
nel plaids (shown
ecologically
inspired colors such
as vineyard grape
and olive ($46)
These
great with
ӘЗ wool
rugged plaids
d colors
be d
with bright, but not busy,
If you'd prefer to leave the ties on the rack, check out Time
berland's full-cut, foulard-print flannel with leather accents ($80)
or try a lavender, moss and beige plaid shirt from Byblos ($185).
Both of these styles look best on their own. (Where & How to Buy
information on page 240)
GIFTS WITH A CONSCIENCE
If holiday m.
the
your way to
e ng gifts: Environ-
list will love to preserve an acre of a tropi-
For $100. The Childre nforest
(207-784-1069) will do just that and тһе id your
pal a note of thanks. . . . Give the gift of music,
with albums that benefit. causes. ranging
from Romanian orphans to the Special
Olympics. Check out two of the newest,
Knebworth: The Album and Nobodys
Child. . . . Adopt a finback whale for a sea-
faring friend, For only $30, the College of
the Atlantic (207-288-5644) will provide
nd histo-
п pa-
pers and a biannu: For arts
enthusiasts, there's a hundred LEGENDS
($100), a portfolio of art, poetry and other
ed by people with AIDS. LEG-
3 created by DIFFA, th
tries Foundation for ALDS (212
AIDS organiz:
LEATHER JACKETS
HOT SHOPPING
Why spoil your Chri:
when some of the best st
call a
н
in a battle with frer
‘sin catalogs and ju
ied shoppers,
toll-free phone
es (800-421-0911):
book for
connoisseurs of fine 7
* Tweeds (800-
7): Every-
thing you need for
а laid-hack weekend
look. + J. Crew (800-
B) ^ Sporty
hing for the
preppics. =
"s Secret (800-
888-8200): The sc
est collection of mei
VIEWPOINT
ike wearing eight-hole Doc
Martin boots with orange stitching
and big, black, baggy
knee-length shorts,”
says actor Dana Ash-
brook, who currently
plays bad boy Bobby
Briggs on the quirky
TV series Twin Peaks.
When it comes to
clothing, Ashbrook
says the bigger the
better. “I love this
double-breasted bag-
gy suit 1 bought in
Paris last year. It’s
huge and very comfortable. Who
knows? In five years, I may be into
the upwardly mobile look.”
344-4444): The lead-
er in
gadgetry and
high-tech
elec
tics’ Choice
Video (800-367-7765): 2200 video titles and 48-hour turnaround.
LONDON AT CHRISTMAS
ili
For a holiday steeped in t on, there's no better
place than London. . . . Take a nighttime str
Oxford and Regent streets for the spectacular light dis-
pla: Stop hy Trafalgar 5 id see the
World on December 18 at Royal Albert Hall, where
a cast of 700 performers and celebrities tell the sto-
ry of Christmas. You may even catch a glimpse
of royalty in the audience, as this is the season's
biggest and best benefit conc Get to
Hyde Park by nine aon Christmas morn-
к for the Peter Pan Cup Swimming Race,
п annual holiday rite in the park's chilly
Serpentine Lake. Spend Boxing Day.
the day after nas, at the Lygon
llage of Broadway and
€ off on the traditional
fox huni. .. . On New Years Day, catch the
Lord Mayor of Westminster's holiday parade,
which travels from Piccadilly to Hyde Pai 4
And dont miss Harrods famous after-Christ-
ch kicks off on January second.
STYLE
COLORS
Drawstring-waist anorak, hooded parka
and three-quarter-length car coat
SURFACE TREATMENT Nubuck, quilted-pattern suede, sueded,
worn-looking or matte finishes
All shades of spice tones
end multicolored baseball jackets
Shiny, polished or distressed finishes,
nailhead decoration
Any ultrabright color
MOVIES
ByBRUCE WILLIAMSON
CYRANO DE BERGERAC (Orion Classics) boasts
one of the meatiest parts ever written for
anactor. No fewer than four previous cine-
matic Cyranos have been made of the ham-
my hyperbolic hero, not including Steve
Marüns modernized tour de lorce in
the 1987 Roxanne. José won an
Academy Award Гог mediocre
American version. Thi rd De-
pardieu was deservedly named Best Actor
at Cannes for his very French and feeling
performance as Edmond — Rostand's
flamboyant, big-nosed duelist. Enamored
of his beautiful cousin Roxane (played
here with wilting airiness by Anne Bro-
chet, making the most of a part usually lost
in the male stars shadow), Cyrano wastes
his life ghostwriting love letters for Chris-
tian (Vincent Perez), the handsome soldier
she thinks she loves for his poetic soul. It's
a frustrating story, with one of the longest
death scenes on record. In Jean-Paul Rap-
peneaus scenic, shrewdly subtitled (by
author Anthony Burgess), richly atmos-
pheric Cyrano, Depardieu wins by more
than a nose. vvyy
Ferrer
19505
.
Rebecca Jenkins charm
unaflected perlormance in Bye Bye Blues
(Circle Releasing) won her a Genie awari
the Canadian equivalent of an Oscar,
as this years Best Actress. ШЧ
through an identity crisis or simply singing
her heart out, Jenkins is marvelous. She
plays Daisy, a World War ‘Iwo wife and
mother whose husband (Michael Ontkean)
is captured by the Japanese soon alter she
leaves him in India. During the long years
of not knowing whether he's alive or dead,
Daisy goes home to the bleak countryside
of Alberta, hauling along kids and piano,
nd starts getting local gigs as а so-so pi
st and occasional singer. In the band,
she meets a nice guy named Max (Luke
Reilly) and learns tolerance from her row-
in-law (Robyn Stevan, anothe
Genie winner as Best Supporting Actress),
who gets pregnant while her spouse is far
away in unite Sensitively written and
directed by Anne Wheeler against a t
kling medley of old-fashioned tunes, Blues
prods its audience to wonder whether a
woman is better off as a whole person or as
a perfect wife. ¥¥¥
ingly honest,
.
© Of Avalon (Tri-Star) is a w
an-Jewish immigrant who say
“I came to America
п
а рар n Baltimore, Germa
born Armin Mueller-Stahl fills the sere
He's the grandfather of Michael, the boy
epresenting writer-director Barry Levin
son (played in childhood by young
Wood). The Oscar-winning Best Director
Depardieu, Brochet in Cyrano.
A sampling of period
pieces, new takes on
crime and punishment.
of Rain Man, Levinson also made the
pointedly autobiographical Diner and Tin
Men, and now adds Avalon as another lov-
ing valentine to his Baltimore roots. Sp:
ning several generations of the Krich
sky
family, the movie is overlong. crowded
with detail and drenched in nos
also à rewarding American sa
but universal as a panorama depicting how
Old World ties are loosened by prosperity,
me. the advent of television and the ii
able move to suburbia. Aidan Quinn
plays Sams son, Jules,
evocative perform: discount-sales
merchant who goes broke, Equally strong
emotional anchors are provided by Joan
Plowright Mrs. Sam Krichinsky and by
Elizabeth Perkins as Jules’ wife, whose im-
patience with the clan is understandable
when her mother-in-law refuses to ride ina
car with a woman at the wheel. Squabbles,
heartbreaks and humor abound in Avalon,
ighborhood that obvious
inson, His trenchant
the American
in a marvelously
псе as
on Le
comedy leaves
human
dream looking wistful if not altogether
wasted away yvy
.
ickey Row chillingly persuasive
as a raging homicidal psychopath, the best
part he has had in rs Desperate Hours
(MGM/UA). Otherwise, there's no good
reason for director Micha
make of the thriller, ori
the Broadway stage (with Paul Newman
Rourke's role) and in William Wylers
Cimino's re-
nally a wow on
expert 1955 movie version si ng
Humphrey Bogart. Cimino has added
some trashy sex appeal (Kelly Lynch plays
Mickeys lawyer/accomplice), and Mimi
Rogers and Amhony Hopkins turn in nice
work as heads of the broken family Rourke
is holding hostage. Sill, why did he both-
er? Presumably, to please those moviego-
ing masses who are enthralled by blood.
guts and gunfire. ¥¥
.
rime is definitely on the rise in recent
ream movies. the latest of which is
The Grifters (Miramax), directed with
shrewd film noir detachment by Stephen
Frears (who did Dangerous Liaisons) from
а down-and-diriy novel by the late Jim
Thompson. Author Donald E. Westlake
wrote the tough-minded adaptation, and
Frears delivers the goods about some L.A.
grifters who include Anjelica Huston, John
Cusack and Annette Bening. All peroxid.
ed hair and short, tight skirts, Huston is
dynamite as Lilly, a professional grifter
working a race-track scam and double.
crossing her boss (Pat Hingle). Cusack
plays her estranged son, who may have a
thing for his mother but pretends to detest
her, while Mom vents her animosity on his
girlfriend, a trollop named Myra (played
with cuddly lethal zing by Bening).
They're an amoral lot, not a scruple among
them, but you can't tear your eyes away
from the gleaming evil of The Grifters.
This is adult meanness—greed, incest and
skulduggery presented by Frears in an icy
style that makes director David Lı
ebrated movie miscreants look like mere
juvenile offenders. ¥¥¥
.
The saga of Claus von Bulow, the Fu-
ropean aristocrat charged with putting his
wife, Sunny, into a drug-induced com:
might have made a passable TV docudra-
ma, ripped from yesterday's headlines. Re-
versal of Fortune (Warner) treats it as
major feature film, with Jeremy Irons—
looking disconcertingly like a youngish
Boris Karlof —heavily made up as Claus
opposite Glenn Close as the sometimes co-
matose Sunny. possibly the only brain-
dead narrator in cinema history. Ron
Silver plays feisty attorney Alan Dershow-
itz, whose book about his work on the Von
Bulow case inspired the movie. Performed
with zest by stellar talents, director Barbet
Schroeder's Reversal nevertheless comes
up elegant and empty, dwelling on cold,
attractive rich people whose guilt or in-
nocence seems less important than the
decor of their Newport “cottage.” vv
ach's cel
.
England old-boy network of privileged
aristocracy is the real subject of Dark Obses-
sion (Circle), all about a titled landowner
(Gabriel Byrne) who has two pressing
proble s pathologi
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
‘Smooth,
ISA GAS ADVERTISING SUPPLEMENT
FEATURES
We dug out some of
the best fromourfies Д
Joes Smooth Philosophy,
“Travelling first class}’ and other pearls of
wisdom straight from the camel’s mouth.
IN 7
|
E h
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
JOES SMOOTH ee
“The early bird sills fils
er gu the party starts” м“ z
Bw 79.2 € OD ONEY:
“A penny saved is another one you
cant get rid of that hangs around in
‘your pocket gathering lint and eventually -
makes a hole; so. you lose it anyway”
pa ae E
‘When at all possible, travel first = L
| on LAFE: -
class: If no:camels are available,
however, other forms of ` = NPS) on ask for whom...
transportation may be used. 5o MET ANS) the bell tolls-let the <
D a butler. get it”
on TING: 7% w >
“When all else fails, n ues on а ду
i k C “The only difference between:
pi ^" E^. of =" in-laws and outlaws is that `.
- outlaws are wanted,”
MONUMENT,
First of the illustrious
Camel line. “N. C” was
big on the club scene
as the first big rock
promoter. Granite, quartz,
basalt—he worked with
them all. Archaeologists
also believe he invented
© the first wheel, and 15
minutes later, got the
first speeding ticket.
Sk
`]
Every citizen from
Carthage to Gaul was
familiar with Crazy
j Camelius's Used Chariot
Dealership and their
motto, “I came, | saw,
I got the best deal in
town” He posed in front
of the pyramids for the
famous Camel Filters
pack while on a date
with Cleopatra.
The fiercest camel ever
to wear a weird pointy
hat. In 1258, Ghenghis
Khamel set out from
Mongolia with one
purpose in mind—to
get out of Mongolia.
For the heck of it, he
ended up conquering
Europe instead.
There wasn't enough
room for him to sit at
King Arthur’s Round
Table, so Sir Joseph had
to sit at a card table in
the basement. However,
Sir Joseph was renowned
for his bravery, having
once turned a fire-
breathing dragon
into the first
disposable lighter.
Owner of Leonardo's
1-Hour Portraits, he
became the subject of
scandal when it was
revealed that his
masterpiece, the “Mona
Lisa,’ was crafted from a
paint-by-numbers kit. In
his own defense he sai
“Hey, at least | stayer
within the lines!”
The top of his class at
West Point, Stonewall
cut a dashing and
unusual figure as a
camel riding a horse.
Not wishing to offend
either the North or the
South during the Civil
War, he decided to
fight for the West.
He never lost a battle.
idnight
at the Oasis e Odsis
When Joe throws a party Joe throws a party
at his favorite watering hole,
only smooth characters
need apply.
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
© 1990 R.J. REYNOLDS TDBACCO CO.
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
Dear SMOOTH:
A smoking camel?!! Who ever heard of that?!! That's ridiculous!!
Mr. Ed Palomino
Burbank, CA
Dear SMOOTH:
Remember that old Camel motto, “I'd walk a mile for a Camel"? Well, 1 walked a mile
from my house, and all I found was an empty lot. There was a dog there, but there
wasn't any Camel. What's going on? Juacane L. Reynolds
Baton Rouge, LA
Juacane—You walked in the wrong direction. Try going out of your house, making a
right onto Maple Avenue, and walking a mile to the Baton Rouge Convenience
Mart. Walk up to the counter and look to your left—there's a Camel display. Glad
we could help. SMOOTH
Dear SMOOTH:
It’s interesting that on your planet, yon have advertising that features a camel smoking
a cigarette, because on my planet, we have advertising that features a Zwork imploding
a Q-Multiplier. Small universe, eh? BD4+5
Neptune City, Neptune
Dear SMOOTH:
Yesterday, a certain suavely attired character. calling himself the “Ambassador of
Smooth,” dented the fender on my car and claimed diplomatic immunity. Do you
know where I can contact him?
Diana C. Hirsch
St. Louis, MO
Diana- We don't know anything about it. Besides, you didn't signal when you were
makinga4hat left turn onto Pennsylvania Avenue. SMOOTH
Dear SMOOTH:
I suspected someone was stealing my Camels because every day, when I came home
from work, a few more cigarettes would be missing from the carton I keep on my
dresser, Well, yesterday I came home early and discovered our pet German shepherd,
Walter, smoking my Carnels in the garage while wearing my bathrobe and slippers.
Boy, was I relieved! 1 thought things had gotten weird or something.
Craig S. O'Keefe
Trumbull, CT
Dear SMOOTH:
I feel it is my civic duty to inform you of a rumor about your mascot that has been
circulating throughout my community. Apparently, when you turn a picture of Smooth
Character upside-down, his face looks just like ап upside-down camel who's smoking
a cigarette. I know this sounds incredible, but I thought you should know. That is all
Pamela A. Hunt
New York, NY
his working wife (Amanda Donohoe)
he has recently killed a woman in
and-run accident while driving d
Director Nick Broomfield's movie, rated X
bythe М.РА А. will open without a ra
Actually, the X might have added pulling
power to this rather
scious statement, mos
Epper: Stunt woman extraordinaire.
OFF CAMERA
When Kathleen ‘Turner tumbled
down a muddy diff in Romancing
the Stone, the double taking the fall
was Jeannie Epper. lt was also Epper
as Linda Ev in the famous sw
ming-pool scrap with Joan Collins
on TV's Dynasty. She took falls for
Lynda Carters Wonder Woman and
endured Shirley MacLaine's wild car
ride in Terms of. Endearment. At 49
one of movieland's leading stunt
women, Epper is passing on a family
dition: Dad, on horseback, dou-
bled for such movie stalwarts as
Cooper and Ronald Reagan.
ays Epper: "My parents’ six chil-
dren were all stunt people. So are
s, and my only grand-
hristopher, who's now six, did
Ais first movie stunt when he was
king risks runs in the 1
s Epper. “Th
Iywood that every Epper kid is boi
with elbow and knee patches.” She
recalls the days when her dad ran a
local riding stable. “We were just
wild kids. We'd jump off our horses
onto a moving train, or ride `e
der a tree and swing onto one of the
low branches. Of course, our parents
didn't know.” еа bro-
ken a bone but incurs plenty of
bruises on the job. She keeps in
shape with gym woi s lo cam a
stunt Ys pay, which starts at
more than $400 daily. Much higher
rates are negotiable, depending. “A
smart stunt person doesnt lock up
the price,” says Jeannie. “But what
we do is fun, Waaay back, I realized
it was dangerous, but I couldn't be-
lieve they'd pay me for this.”
explicit but not entirely rel nt sex scenes
between Byrne and Donohoe. vv
.
ics are more fun to watch
Memphis Belle
the B-17
famous
The aeroba
than the dramaties in
(Warner) a movie n:
bomber wh w was made
after flying 25 successful mi
France and Gi ny back in 19:
pilot Mauhew Modine, with Eı
his radio operator, most of th
scarcely look old enough to sha
that’s the way it was during World War
lwo. The movie con: mainly of he
alofi—with irrelevant bits of poetry and
fatalism thrown in—during that f
cial bombing run to Bremen, Germany.
Meanwhile, an obnoxious public ons
expert (John Lithgow) waits back in Eng-
land for the chosen crew to land safely,
scoot home and boost flagging US.
morale. There are moments of excitement
as flak hits the fuselage or the fuel runs
IL this Belle doesn't quite ring
ned for
cre
ions over
3. Under
low, but over
true WW
.
The impressive credentials of Tune In
Tomorrow (Cinecom) promise considerabl
more than they deliver. Formerly tit
Aunt Julia and the Scriptwriter, the mo
based on a novel by famed Peruvian au
thor-pol п Mario Vargas Llosa, adapt-
ed by British novelist William Boyd and
directed by Jon Amiel, no less, who did
the same for TV's fabled series The
Singing Detective. The assembled hot com-
pany of performers, unfortunately strug-
gles through a comedy that provokes
mostly strained . Barbara Hershey
nd Keanu Reeves play the dis
and a much younger man whose budding
omance scandalizes their fa jes. Peter
k, meanwhile, keeps popping in as an
ntric radio writer who pens a soap op-
le with incest and shocking sexuality
id period
s in 1951) Worse yet, the
are played on mikes by one set of
racters and simultaneously dramatized
in a lush period style by other good actors
such as Peter Gallagher, beth MeGov-
ern, Buck Henry and John Larroquette. If
Tune In were a TV comedy, you'd abruptly
tune out. Y
:
er
quite out of sync with the place à
(New Orl
.
Banned in Poland in , writer-direc-
tor Richard. Bugajskis harrowing Interro-
gation (Circle) won a best-actress prize for
Krystyna Janda at this years Cannes festi-
val. Janda plays a neurotic blonde in transi-
tion to adult aware unexpectedly
discovering her own strength. As a cabaret
singer railroaded into a jail cell during the
Stalin era, she is tortured, stripped, de-
nounced by her husband, all but drowned
and even impregnated by one troubled
inquisitor before her release. Janda is a
revelation in an angry, unremitting psy
chodrama not intended to show its auc
ence a good time. ¥¥¥
MOVIE SCORE CARD
capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson
Avalon (See review) Back to Baltimore
with director Barry Levinson,
Book of Love (Listed only) leen dr
some wry, soft-centered [lashbacks. vv
war widow beats the
Cyrano de Bergerac (Scc
dieu in top form.
Darkman (Listed 11/90)
Neeson as a Phantomlike avenger. viz
Dark Obsession (See review) Sex and
subterfuge in jolly old England w
Desperate Hours (See review) Rourke
dandy in a dubious remake. эз
Fools of Fortune (Listed only) Juli
ands Liam
storm. yy
ndo, Broderick
yyy
act up
The Freshmen (9/90) Br
and some extracurricular fun.
Ghost (10/90) Demi Moore's love brings
Patrick Swayze back to life. wy
Goodfellas (11/90) Scorsese's sharp take
on being married to the Mob. uw
The Grifters (See review) А bountiful
harvest of bad apples from Frears. ¥¥¥¥
Interrogation — (5i review) Sheer.
hell. wy
King of New York (Listed only) This time,
it's Walken as the gang leader. ГЫ
The Krays (11/90) More crooks—real,
brutal and veddy, veddy British. ¥¥y¥
Memphis Belle (Sec review) High-flying
US. heroes in wartime Europe. эт
Miller's Crossing (10/90) Vintage gang
war according to the Coens. wy
Mo’ Better Blues (Listed 11/90) Denzel
Washington stars in Spike Lees fairly
conventional musical drama, ww
Narrow Margin (11/90) Suspense on a
train, with Hackman and Archer. yvy
The Nasty Girl (Listed only) Subtitled,
German and abitdistubing. ww
Postcards from the Edge (11/90) Seep
and MacLaine will send you. wy
Presumed Innocent (10/90) With Har-
son Ford, fro wu.
Pump Up the Volume (10/90) As a radio
pirate, Christian Slater soars. wy
Reversal of Fortune (Scc review) A major
movie retread of rich bitchery. vv
State of Grace (Listed only) New York,
New York, and the Irish Mafia. wy
Texasville (Listed only) Muddled, boring
sequel to The Last Picture
Tune in Tomorrow (See review) Š
comedy. Try another station.
Vincent & Theo (11/90) The
brothers in Altma
how.
Van Gogh
Is skewed view. УУУ
White Hunter, Black Heart (11/90) Clint
1wood sort of like John Huston, ¥¥¥
Heart David.
(11/90) From
ne moviema
Lynch
Jess than meets the eye.
WIV Ous.
Yvyy Dont miss
¥¥¥ Good show
nding
уз Worth a look
¥ Forget il
VIDEO
VIDEO SLEEPERS
good movies that crept out of town
Heart like a Wheel: Before she got really hot
in Presumed Innocent and Die Hard 2, Bon-
nie Bedelia smash as trail-blazing
driver Shirley Muldowney,
The Last American Here: r racing 3
this time the real-life tale of Junior Jack-
son— played by Jef Bridges—in Lame
Johnson's cynical, tough drama about the
Cost of winning.
The Mighty Quinn: Local color plus a gr
reggae score back up Denzel W:
clearly bound for stardom
police chief on a murder case.
The Ruling Class: Peter O'Toole domina
literate, ingenious comedy about
lish carl who's convinced he's Jesus Chi
The Scalphunters: Droll cowboys-and-Indi
is spoof about a runaway
Davis), a trapper (Burt Li
uollop (Shelley Winters). Circle the wag-
ons and smile. BRUCE WILLIAMSON
race-
BROADWAY ON VIDEO
With Broadway ticket prices at $60, check
out the Great White Way from a good,
cheap scat: the one in front of your VC
Death of a Salesman: Dustin Hoflman rates
astanding O in Arthur Miller's classic por-
trait of a man tormented by his unfulfilled
dreams. Taped for TV in 1986, after its
Successful Broadway revival (Warner
Home Video).
Sunday in the Park with George: Mandy
akin is Impressionist Georges Seurat
in Stephen. Sondh Pulitzer Prize—
winning musical. Despite a beautiful set
and a passionate score, the plot gets as
messy as а painter's palette (Warner Home
Video),
The Best of Broadway: The Philadelphia Story:
à 1958, this
ino ié comedy ie half aseo ala
good; flubbed lines and mi
abound. lapes saving grace
mercials featuring Betty Furness hawking
С.Е.5 1958 Chris e (Video Yes
terycar).
From
her hit
Lena Horne: The Lady and Her Musi
Gershwin to The Wiz, Lena sings
ШИШИ
Fishiest Dance Video: Beluga Ballet. Best Oh-
Shut-Up-and-Pass-the-Butter Video: Lady Fish-
boumes Complete Guide to Better Table
Manners; Best Video Paradox: Brains by Rev-
Jon, Most Confused Vid Superhero: Ossian:
American Boy/Tibetan Monk; Wighest-Anxiety
Video: Conflicts! Conflicts!, Most-Pleased-to-
Meet-You Video: / Am Joes Kidney; Best Its-a-
Living Video: Sanitary Landlill—Youre the
Operator.
songs and
as a be
mu
ment).
Oh! Calcutta!: One of Broadway's longe
running mu loaded with skits on
spouse swapping, bawdy songs and nude
dance numbers. You'll recognize Bill Ma-
суз face (from TV's Maude), but the rest of
him may come as a surprise—not necessar-
ily a big one (Vid America). —DICK SCANLAN
ks about weathering storms
ишш black ın Hollywood. Great
at lady (Turner Home Entertain-
gi
VIDEOSYNCRASIES
The Better Sex Video Series: Vhrce-vid
tour of everyones favorite subject, pro-
duced especially for couples. Hot footage
is maddeningly cooled by sugary commen-
—but th what the re buttons for
(Learning Corp., 800-866-1000).
Lost Man's River: An Everglades Adven-
ture with Peter Matthiessen: A Huck
Finn-style journey through the beauty of
the ‘Ten Thousand Islands with the award-
ng author, who waxes poetic about
'erglades and explains how they in-
spired his novel Killing Mister Watson
(Mystic Fire Video).
The World’s Greatest Stunts! A Tribute to
Hollywood Stuntmen: Car c s, fist fights
ad more in this homage to Hollywood's
atest death defers. Includes behind-
the scenes peeks at 40 action films; hosted
by Christopher Reeve (MPI),
the
THE HARDWARE CORNER
Color Us Blue: And now, every man a Ted
Turner. The rer from Videon-
GUEST SEDI
“Can America stand
more Morton Downey,
Jk?" wonders the big-
mouth of the small
screen, regarding his
latest projects: a TV
special with Mary Tyler
Moore, Predator II and
Down and Dirty, a film
Mort predicts "will go to video six minutes after
it opens.” Ah, video. When he and his companion
curl up at home, they usually watch a movie of
her choice—such as The Unbearable Lightness
of Being or Betty Blue. “But my favorite movie
of all time,” he says, “is Weekend at Bernie’.
Hilarious.” On the other hand, he notes,
“Violence is my life! Give me Rambo or give
me Death Wish.” Then there's his copy of High
on . . . subtitled in French? “Yup. Gary Cooper
says, ‘Howdy, Sheriff,’ and the subtitle reads,
“Bonjour, Monsieur le constable.” | got it for
laughs, you know?" Mais oui, Mort.
—CHRISTOPFER трон
ies lets you do your own home colorization.
Your reds will turn grecn with envy
(8299)
Shake It Up, Baby: Hitachi now offers a
tw d-shoot VHS-C camcorder with a
turning hand grip that activates the cam-
era and opens the lens. It’s called The
Thin Man, weighs just over two pounds
and will fit into your briefcase.
AURY LEVY
FEELING COUPLED
FEELING FEARLESS
The M
FEELING SPIRITED
FEELING CONSCIENTIOUS
Pretty Woman (corporote raider Richard Gere makes call-
girl Julio Roberts his guinea Pygmalion, delightful); Bird
оп a Wire (Mel Gibson bounds back into Goldie Howns
life amid wocky gunfire); Stanley 8 Iris (Fondo's a widow,
Back to the Future Part Ш (Michael Fox and Christopher
Lloyd align history again; Mary Steenburgen makes it
palatable); Mountains of the Moon (bad title, good film: Ex-
plorers hunt for
(mer
Shock to the Sys.
up and turns to murder; actually a comedy); Heaven Can
Wait (Rams Q.B. checks out in cor wreck, gets second
chance, scores; vintage Beatty); Celebrity Guide to Wine
(down-to-earth cork sniffing with the stars; best oeno-
philes: Whoopi Goldberg and Dudley Moore).
Help Save Planet Earth (celebs offer ways 10 protect our
oceans, animals and ozone; Ted Danson hosts); Common
Threads: Stories from the Quilt (moving portraits af five
AIDS victims; 19B9 Oscar winner); Baka: People of the
Forest (lush footage of African rain forest and inhabitants;
from National Geographic)
(weary od exec Michael Caine gets fed
A Piece of American History.
The A-2 Leather Flying Jacket is one of the most famous
pieces of battle gear in history. During World War lI, the
brave pilots of the U.S. Army Air Forces relied on thc A-2 for
protection and comfort. Worn by the daring “Flying Tigers”
who fought over China in their P-40 Warhawks. And Jimmy
Doolittle’ B-25 bomber squadron that hit Tokyo in a
daring carrier launched raid. Lightweight and com-
fortable yet “tough as nails,” the A-2 identified
its wearer as one of an elite, brave breed of
fighting men.
Genuine Military Issue.
Not a Commercial Reproduction.
Cooper Sportswear was an original supplicr
of thc А-25 worn by Amcrica's World War II
flying heroes. Now, after a 45-year retirement
from active duty, the
B US. Air Force has
recommissioned the
A-2 and selected
Cooper as the official
Government contract
manufacturer. Now, you
= can own the very same jacket
issued to U.S. Air Force pilots.
Nota reproduction—this is the genuine article!
Proudly Made in the U.S.A.
The Cooper A-2 is made in the I! S A nsing materials
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Premium hand stitched goatskin ensures MADE_IN
ruggedness and great looks. Knitted cuffs and
waist band and a spun cotton-blend lining
ensure draft-free comfort. Details include :
regulation snap-down collar, shoulder :
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You'll also receive a certificate of authenticity stati
yours is the U.S. Air Force А-2. Battle-proven and b
long life, the Cooper A-2 actually gets better looking
with age.
Payable in Convenient Monthly Installments.
‘The Cooper A-2 Leather Flying Jacket Can be yours for just
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within 30 days for exchange or refund
THE OFFICIAL MILITARY ISSUE
_GENUINE LEATHER A-2 FLYING JACKET
CALL TOLL-FREE: 1-800-331-1858 слома
The actual jacket supplied
to tbe United States Air Force
Order today. Available in even sizes 34-52 regular and
long. Call about larger sizes (to 60) available for $50
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Normal delivery on phone orders 4-8 business days.
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47 Richards Avenue
Norwalk, Conn. 06857
CALL TOLL-FREE: 1-800-331-1858
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D1 prefer not to use a credit card and will pay by check.
Enclosed is my check for $249 plus $7.50 shipping/
handling, a total of $256.50*.
*Any applicable sales tax will be billed with shipment.
606-303
By STEPHEN RANDALL
MEET SQUIRMY, the worlds most famous
gerbil. As you may have noticed, gerbils
keep a low profile. There are no ‘leenage
Mutant Ninja Gerbils on TV toy stores
dont carry cute stuffed gerbils for kids to
play with and there are no known songs—
not even country-and-western songs—
about рег gerbils. And thal makes
Squirmy's notoriety even more impressive.
What did Squirmy do to warrant this
fame? Perhaps you've heard this story:
A friend of mine knows a nurse at Cedars-
Sinai Hospital m Los Angeles. She told him
that [insert name of a handsome male actor
here] visited the emergency room the other
night. The actor confessed that he had been
engaged in a kinky gay sexual game thal in-
volves sticking a live gerbil up your rectum
Only this time, the gerbil got stuck. The nurse
actually saw the X ray. Ix absolutely true.
That gerbil was our friend Squirmy, of
course. In the story, Squirmy di hot
up there and the airs none too good, so we
can assume he expi
ways about the same actor and always at-
tributing it to someone who worked at the
ital. Someone made a mock movie
e-off on the actors current
hit flm, giving Squirmy his name and
making him the films co-star, replacing a
less furry but more attractive actress. That
poster wound up being faxed hundreds,
even thousands of times. With amazing
speed and efficiency, the saga crisscrossed.
the country, until it became a story that was
pointless to tell—everyone, it seemed, had
already heard it
‘There wasone problem. The story wa
true
t
In fact, the real story isn't about
all but about our eagerness to
spread ieve weird misinformation
Atleast one person was not surprised by
how widespread the story became. “I no
longer think it's ri able.” says Jan
Harold Brunvand. ^I see so much of it.
Some people collect baseball cards; Brun-
vand, a professor at the Uni ‘ity of Utah,
collects urban legends, those fables that
travel the country mostly by word of
mouth and get taken as fact by large,
gullible segments of the population. Brun-
vand has amassed enough urban legends
to fill four books, and many of the tales he
repeats sound familiar: You may remem-
ber the one about the married convention-
eer who meets a woman in Las Vegas, takes
her to his room, has sex with her and
awakes to find her gone the next morning.
She has left behind a message, written in
lipstick on the bathroom mirror: “Wel-
come to the AIDS club” Sure enough,
medical tests show that the man has been
infected with AIDS.
That story's not true, either, Brunvand
Squirmy: A star is born.
The gerbil, the
actor and other
urban legends.
has learned to tell the fictional tale from
the errant news story With k (yes,
they travel that quickly), he'll hear reports
of the same incident—such as the AIDS
story—from all over the country, with cach
area claiming it as its own. And most
mportant of all, none of these myths can
be verified—there are never police, medi-
cal or newspaper reports to back them up.
l's no surprise to Brunvand that
Squirmy is currently a star. Urban legends
area form of cheap therapy for the masses,
allowing people to vent their fears and
concerns. Right now, when AIDS has
frightened some people into a frenzied
state of homophobia -bashing
crimes are on the upswing, stories like
Squirmys and the conventioneers are
commonplace. H n the insecure feel
f they can convince themselves that
are somehow peculiar, not like the
rest of us, That's not unusual. In the For-
ties, anti! tic tales accusing Jews of
bizarre rituals were popular; a few years
ago, when every milk carton carried the
picture of a missing child, an myths
reflected the feeling of panic. This story
vas typical: This family was visiting an
amusement park with their small daughter.
The parents lost sight of her for a second and
she was gone. They couldn't find her any-
where, Later, security guards noticed a suspi-
a wı
cious couple carrying a sleeping boy out of
the park. They investigated and discovered
that the sleeping boy was actually the missing
girl. The couple had dragged her into a vest
room, drugged her, cul off her hair and put
her in boys’ clothing.
Not all urban legends are so grim and
Gothic. When microwave ovens were still
a novelty, the big story on the folklore
grapevine was about a woman who shan
poos her cat (or poodle) and then sticks it
into the microwave to dry, causing the ani-
mal to explode. Other times, they're just
funny, like the one about the man who is
driving down a street. A woman passing in
the other direction rolls down her window
and yells “Pig!” at him.
“You're not so hot yourself.” he hollers
back, as he turns the corner and promptly
uns over a pig.
Of course, the more revealing stories be-
tray a darker side. A large percentage of
legends, for instance, blatantly
sexist—it's women who do evil or stupid
things, such as dry the pet in the m
crowave or infect innocent men with
AIDS. Brunvand first started hearing
about the Squirmys of the world in 1984,
nd in his third book, The Mexican Pet, he
gave them their own section, called “The
Colo-Recto Mouse,” about people who had
supposedly rushed to emergency rooms
with this embarrassing symptom. It’s a
persistent story, often aimed at local TV
newsmen who are uncomfortably hand-
some, and Brunvands file of examples
continues to grow
se most urban myths, the one about
Squirmy made its way across the country
without benefit of media assistance. Occa-
nally, professional hysterics such as Ann
Landers and Dear Abby will retell a moral-
ity tale, usually to scare teenagers into
avoiding sex, but most legends don't get
published in the mainstream press. When
they do, they're usually debunked as the
ions they are. But it hardly matters
“Truth never stands in the way of a good
story,” says Brunvand. “1 have four hun-
dred and fifty legends in my files, and only
a minuscule percentage have any factual
basis. Yet people still believe them."
Squirmy was no erent. Journalist
Catherine Seipp dissected the Squirmy
saga for the gay newsweekly The Advocate
She made an impressive case for the un-
likelihood of the story and revealed an
overlooked fact that made the rumor eve
harder to believe: Gerbils are illegal in the
state of California. The actor would hay
had т time buying an assault rifle.
What did he do? Steal Squirmy from a
тоо? Was Squirmy smuggled in from out
of state? Is there a gerbil underground?
Recently, Seipp was having lunch with
her editor, who introduced her to three
friends. “Two of them told me how much
they liked my article,” she reported. But
the third friend was not impressed. “I hap-
n to know that the story about the gerbil
true,” the woman insisted defiantly. “In
fact, I have a friend who knows someone at
CANOE?
EIL Y The cologne classic 7
for men
Caution:
You could be
banished
from Paradise
for using it.
Forbidden
eau de parfum
By DIGBY DIEHL
over THE mst two decades, as his predic-
tions in Future Shock (1970) and The Third
Wave (1980) have been fulfilled, Alvin
Toffler has come to be regarded as one of
the worlds most important
thinkers. This last book in his u
studies of global change, Powershift: Knowl-
edge, Wealth and Violence at the Edge of the
21st Century (Bantam), is so thoroughly re-
searched, so brilliantly reasoned and so lu-
idly presented that soon Toffler may be
hailed as a prophet.
‘There are three basic components of
power in any relationship, according to
“Toffler: muscle, money and know-how.
From the earliest primitive societies right
up through the mid—19th Century, the |
mary mode of power was force (or vio-
lence). During the Industrial Age, it
turned out that money was an even better
motivator for those in power or those who
wanted power. Today we are witnessing the
beginnings of a shift toward power as in-
formation, as knowledge.
Knowledge is becoming more powerful
than an AK-47 or a stack of thousand-dol-
lar bills, says Toffler, who argues that pol
cal strength in the world now relates to
technological dominance: the ability to
control and utilize knowledge. He means
that the most successful corporations are
becoming those with the best research, in-
formation and innovative ideas. He means
that the best-informed individuals will be
the most powerful and that unemployment
is related to lack of education.
This shift of power as we move from
a smokestack economy to a computer econ-
omy will also transform the two other
components of power—money and vio-
lence—into forms of knowledge. Already
we have seen money turned into blips on a
computer screen, as sales and banking op-
erations have abandoned cash for electron-
ic data. ‘Toffler argues that force is being
placed by the threat of force in the
codified form of law. The contemporary
robber baron doesn't use an army; he
sends in his battalion of lawyers.
nthesis of
economics,
ics and sociology) t kes a breath-
taking, encyclopedic look at the future.
‘Toffler teaches us to rethink the present
and to join him in considering a 21st Cen-
tury in which new power struggles will
take place on high-tech battlegrounds.
This is exciting reading—and vitally im.
portant
An aspect of the literary future we are
all going to enjoy is women as hard-boiled
detectives. One of my favorites is Carlotta
Iyle. the 6'1", 30ish redhead who drives
a taxicab through the nights of Boston
listening to Bonnie Raitt tapes when she
Powershift: Muscle, money and know-how.
Toffler on info technology;
topflight nonfiction and the
best films you've never seen.
isn't busy solving crimes, In Coyote (De
corte), by Linda Barnes, Carlota plunge:
Hispanic subculiure of sweat-
shops, dark-windowed neighborhoods and
frightened immigrants. She has a sweet
sensitivity to people and an uncanny knack
for finding connections that make her an
especially fascinating private eye. Aided
by her pal, Lieutenant Joseph Mooney of
the Boston Police Department, she fast-
talked and shot her way out of some tight
spots in two previous books—The Snake
Tattoo and A Trouble of Fools. In Coyote,
Carlotta hits her stride as one of the most
engaging, eccentric heroines who ever
prowled the mean streets.
Three disparate of
nonfiction writing stand out this season:
The Best of Plimpton (Atlantic Monthly), The
Harlan Ellison Hornbook (Penzler) and Hard
to Get (Random House), by Nancy Collins;
portions of the Elli nd Collins works
appeared previously in Playboy. George
Plimpton has cultivated debonair
reputation as The Great Amateur (Ernest
Hemingway referred to his taste for
these exploits as “the dark side of
the moon of Walter Mity
ously that we tend to forget wh:
ad versatile professional writer he is
These 35 profiles, essays, articles and
speeches remind us that Plimpton has
earned his place at the front tables in New
Yorl ering holes. Includ-
ed are his report on going three rounds
with boxer Archie Moore, lirie es-
say on golf caddies, a ion on
talented.
s best-known
fireworks and his well-known hilarious
parody of Truman Capote writing in the
style of. Hemingway. Throughout, Plimp-
tons writing is witty, elegant and enor-
mously entertaining.
At first glance, reading 391 pages of
columns that Harlan Ellison wrote for the
Los Angeles Free Press and the Los Angeles
Weekly News in the carly Seventies might
seem like an exercise in literary history.
But such a quick assessment fails to reckon
with the passion and immediacy of El-
lisons prose—whenever
This intensely personal. jou
months in the life of a writer has a whitc-
heat urgency about it, a stream-of-con-
sciousness honesty that is hypnotic, He
explodes in print about a rip-ofl-artist girl-
friend, about being a hired gun at the age
bout Quentin's death
pout his mother’s funeral, about col-
moncy from A&P heir Huntington
ford, about writing movies and about
the various times he died. He even
includes a notorious column about how
much he bates С nas, which ends with
y Tim!" This Hornbook
id piece of Ellison's
is an exiraoi
dazzling and multifaceted mind.
Nancy Collins’ tale ing people to
talk, and in Hard to Get, she demonstrates
her seductive magic with some amazing
folks. Many of them are, indeed, the “hard
10 get” interviews that journalists lust
after: people such as Elizabeth Taylor,
Sylvester Stallone, Francis Ford Coppola
and Ted Koppel. But the best section of
the book is her behind-the-scenes story
of how she got a prepublication copy of
H. R. Haldeman's The Ends of Power and
scooped Newsweek (they paid $125,000 for
first-serial rights) in The Washington Post
She's a smart, tenacious reporter with the
guts to ask tough questic id the
charm to get answers.
BOOK BAG
Produced and Abandoned: The Best Films
You've Never Seen (Mercury Housc), cdited
by Michael Sragow: The National Society
of Film Critics’ out-on-a-limb video guide
to Westerns, musicals, horror films and
other would-be blockbusters that never
took olf
Magnetic North: A Trek Across Canado (Sier-
ra Club), by David Halsey and Diana
Landau: A gripping account of the first
journey across northern Canada in mod-
ern times by foot, canoe and dog sled.
Iriel by Fire: A Woman Correspondents Jour-
ney to the Frontline (Thunder's Mouth), by
Kathleen Barnes: Originally a small-town
newspaper Barnes embar
courageous fa
her from the violent streets of Belfast to
the Philippines in the midst of a revolu-
tion, Because of her success, she's now a
network correspondent.
VIC GARBARINI
LOOKING FoR the ultimate holiday gifi
that'll delight nostalgic baby boomers and
terminally hip postpunksters alike? Tr
set, on whi
that ground-breaking labels early hits.
The Sixties/Nineties crossbreeding yields
some exotically beautiful fruit. The Cure
sets the pace by drop-kicking the Doors;
rinky-dink Hello 1 Love You back 10 its raw]
rist Bill Frisell
and the Pixies lend a corrosive eloquence
to Dylan and Paul Butterfield, respectively.
asy Kings seduce Hotel California
ng flamenco frenzy, while guitar
sensation Danny Gatton goes ballistic on
the hippie fave Apricot Brandy. Veterans
Phoebe Snow and Jackson Browne offer
their most personal work in years, espe
cially on the latter's deeply moving cover of
First Girl I Love, while 10,000 Mai sre
turn the favor with a dreamy rendition of
Jacksons These Days. And Kronos
Quartets eerily gorgeous strings on the
electrifying Marquee Moon may even get a
rise out of Dad. Another sure bet is The
Bonnie Raitt Collection (Warner Bros.), 20
bluesy, rollicking and compelling classics
m one of rocks living treasures that
prove just how overdue those Grammies
really were.
the
ROBERT CHRISTGAU
sh, which
arhill Records
oldest living rappers are the guys in
Run-DMC, which surfaced in 1984, took a
powder after its fourth album a
ly is working in hiding on
only isn't rap kind to dinosaurs, it b
recognizes the species.
But that doesn't stop a lot of
something hot flashes from m.
reer out of the latest youth fad—and the
dopest subgenre since punk. Checking in
h albums number three are the clipped,
quick Eric B. & Rakim with Let the Rhythm
Hit ‘Em (MCA) and the poppisb girl group
-N-Pepa with Blacks’ Magic (Next
Plateau). The former relies too predictably
on the James Brown beats that got the duo
its major-label advance; the latter aug-
ments spunky girl talk with the Afrocen
tric seriousness now demanded by rap fans
of all races. -N-Pepa deserves better
(check Negro Wit’ an Ego, Independent,
Lets Talk About Sex), but the hard fact is
that neither album has the commercial legs
of a career move. So lets hope neither act
goes into hiding.
“Don't call it a comeback! I been here for
years!" s LL Cool J on the title track.
Christmastime at Elektra:
Gifts of the
Magi: Bonnie,
Prince and Iggy.
of his fourth album, Mama Said Knock You
Out (Del Jam). Upset because 19895 Ма
ing with a Panther never cracked double
he has enlisted demon sam-
aster Melle Mel in wha
to stand as the most powerful and unre-
constructed rap of 1990. Cool J sticks his
car stereo in your car and drinks a 40
while he's at it; he fucks a woman whose la
thers voice sounds like Mike ‘Tyson's; he
leis KRS-One stop the violence. | dont
know whether hell return to his multiplat-
inum ways, but this is ap dinosaur
who deserves major respect
Us sure
NELSON GEORGE
Prince was easily the most important
ппотацуе pop musician of the Eight
ies. Well, at least two thirds ol the Eightie:
After the sprawling masterpiece of Sign o
the Times—which, aside from Purple Rain,
may be his most brilliant recording:
Prince had three basically worthless ef-
forts, Lovesexy, the bootleg Black Album
and the overhyped, underdeveloped Bat-
man sound track.
So it is with great joy and satisfaction
that one savors Graffiti Bridge (Paisley
Park/Warner Bros.), an album that opens
Princes second decade of record making
ir. This sound track to a new
heavily on song forms and
he has explored before, but
it puts forth new energy and a keen focus.
Instead of messing around with funk, as
he has done recently, Prince dives in feet
first. The anthem New Power Generation
has a new jack-swing pulse that pleases,
while Shake! is his darkest straight funk
groove since Housequake. Melody Cool, fea-
turing the Gospel fire of Mavis Staples, is a
tasty blend of Minneapolis and Stax
sounds that could be a pop hit. In fact,
Graffiti Bridge has the passionate precision
of an album that will sound better with
time. Hope the movie's as good.
CHARLES M. YOUNG
motivated male
humor and or gion since the
beginning of time. What distinguishes
2 Live Crew, the notorious Florida rap
group led by Luther Campbell, from all
other men who have ever lived is their ful-
somely scatological approach and their in-
sistence on taking very public a theme that
GUEST SHOT
VIXEN ds the first all-female hard-rock
band to surface in a long time. And
this group can actually play ils in
struments. Bassistisougwriterlvocalist
Share Pedersen even studied jazz
at Boston Berklee College of Music.
For review, she chose Cheap Tricks
“Busted.”
heap Trick has a sound that’s
solely its own; on Busted, the band is
at its best when its members are be-
ing themselves, taking standard riffs
from rocks catalog and putting а
truly new twist on them. And they
couldn't do that unless they were ace
musicians, which they arc. Here, the
rip-it-up rockers fare the best—/
Can't Understand It, Busted, the title
cut, You Drive, РИ Steer, Had to Make
You Mine and Rock ‘n’ Roll Tonight.
For me, the optional cut is Wherever
Would 1 Be. a ballad by Diane War-
ren. It seems like you're not an
American rock band right now un-
less you've got a Warren song on
your album. Even we had to includ
one on Rev H Up. Not that Diane's
song here is a bad piece of writ
but Cheap Trick and Busted didn't
need her to make this record a hit. I
say buy it, warn your neighbors and
c
reat party. Everybody's dancing. But So,the music goes on and on. And this
does everything stop when the CD ends? Not if s the best out of your CDs, thanks
the Magnavox Carousel CD Changer. to a 4x oversampling digital filter and dual
This innovative CD player plays up to 5
different compact discs. You can even pre-
ram up to 50 songs in any order you want. of CD technology.
you can change up to 4 discs while the Magnavox was always a smart player in the
fifth one is playing. CD world. But making it non-stop is even smarter.
MAGNAVOX
1990 Philips Consumer Electronics ү. A Division of North American Philips Corporation.
FAST TRACKS
0 € K
METER
l Free [Бю
Ш Cool J | | |
Momo Said Knock
You Out 9 5 9 7: 8
gQ |. 2 Е. r r
Prince
Graffiti Bridge | 8 | 9. | 8 | 8 | 9
Bonnie Raitt | | | | |
The Bonnie Raitt
Collection 8 9 Т 6 9
2 Live Crew
Bonned in the U.S.A. | 4 | ó | 3 | 5 | 10
AS SILLY AS THEY WANT TO BE DEPARTMENT:
Anyone who missed the debut of 2 Live
Jews' As Kosher As They Wanna Be also
missed the explanation by m.c. Moisha:
“We were rapping when rapping -
was just kibitzing with rhymes." Is 2 Live
Crew's Luther Campbell laughing?
REELING AND ROCKING: Canadi film
maker Bruce MeDonold is using Bob Dy-
lon Highway 61 Revisited album as in-
spiration for a movie about a couple
transporting the corpse of an aspiring
rock star down Highway 61 to New Or-
leans. . . . Rosanna Arquette and Marlee
Motlin will appear with Dovid Bowie in
his next film, The Linguine Incident, a
comedy. . Mariel Hemingway and
Cloude Akins have joined John Cougar
Mellencamp in the movie Souvenirs.
Robert Altman is working on a script
called L.A. Shortculs, a series of v
gnettes similar in style to his Nashville
He hopes to cast Носу Lewis as one of the
actors.
NEWSBREAKS: T'he Grateful Dead have
given permission for an album of cover
versions of their songs to be recorded
Costelle, Dr. John,
nd REM...
by the likes of Elvi
Bruce Hornsby, Los Lobos
The publishers of a loc
ig to erect historical m.
ers at some of the sites, such as the
ice Station in East London,
where the Stones were once arrested for
vall. It “would di
wonders for business,” says the petrol-
stations manager. . . . Look for a Dire
Straits reunion album next spring and
a summer 1991 tour. . . . Mortika's new
album will be out next month
tion to her ongoing role in Weseguy, in
which she plays a Cuban-Ame
singer. . . . Five years later: The second
Rock in Rio concert will take place next
month with an expected audience of
1,000,000 over an eight-day period.
George Michoel has written his autobiog-
raphy, called Bare. . . . When all the
money is coumed, Roger Waters’ staging
of Pink Floyd's The Wall at the Wall may
turn out to be the largest-grossing sin-
Ele concert in history, if you count tick-
ets sold, merchandising, the album and.
the American telecast. . .. Big Bang, an
annual CD compilation featuring some
of Ame best unsigned bands, is
being put together by the Recording
Industry Sourcebook, 8800 Venice
Boulevard, Los Angeles, California
90034. If your band has no record con-
tract, you can submit tapes. . . . Debbie
Allen is working on a midscason re-
placement comedy series for ABC st
ring the Motown group the Boys, who
will have two musical numbers in each
show. .. . Lers try to wrap up the Stones
Steel Wheels tour stats: Six milli
have seen the
cluding thos
lium, London, were filmed for the-
atrical release in 1991. . . . Did you know
that music. videos are increasingly be-
ing closed-captioned for the deaf? New
York producer Ed Stasium got the idea
from his teenaged daughter, who is
deaf; she was attracted to the rapid im-
ages and exciting live performances on
video, even though she was unaware of
the words. Some videos by Living Colour,
Prince, Michoel Jackson and the Stones,
among others, are now captioned. Neat
idea... . Finally, for those of you who
don't listen to metal, you'll have missed
Worrant's Ode to Tipper Gore on its re
cent album Cherry Pie. Ws a one-minute
adio montage of four-letter outtakes
from the band’s 1989 tour. Says Joni
Lone, “IF I, as an artist, feel that to get
my point across | have to use the word
fuck, then I'm gonna use it” Thats
show! — BARBARA NELLIS
has only gradually been leaking out of the
You want me to put my dick
* Intelligent but no psychologist,
mpbell hasnt thought through what
lurking in the male unconscious. Не
porting what's there because he has discox-
ered a market lor it. Campbell should be
on the cover of Fortune; instead, our rulers
want to destroy him. Why? Because with
the collapse of communism, politicians
ced a new whipping boy. Government
persecution seems, nonetheless, not such a
bad thing for an artist creatively. Campbell
esponded to his obscenity bust in Hol-
ооа, Florida, with Banned in the U.S.A.
e Records/Auantic), the best rap al-
bum of the year and maybe of all time. In-
terspersing newscast samples with wholly
unrepentant, obscene defiance, Banned
opens with an inspirational defense of the
First Amendment and then demonstrates
what it's for by chaning
a reference to the governor of Florida
has tried to use the Crew to scare up votes.
Unlike Public Enemy, the Crew doesn't
sleaze around im anti-Semitism
Unlike
ч endorse sneak-
ers. It chants, “Face down, ass up, / That's
the way we like to fuck.” And that’s what
we should all say out loud until the govern-
finds a new scapegoat.
M. €. Hammer, it does
DAVE MARSH
Iggy Pop is one of the most influential
rock-and-rollers of the past 20 years. Even
so, he hasn't made a really great record
nce Iggy and the Stooges Raw Power,
which, in 1973, was ahead of i
somewhere betw
Brick by Brick (Virgin) breaks the pattern.
Producer Don Was (whos becoming the
Jimmy Jam and ‘Terry Lewis of white rock,
reviving all sorts of unlikely careers) set
Pop up with thc best band he has ever
Aronoff gives him his best
straight-ahcad rock-and-roll drumming
nce the original Stooges. Waddy Wachtel
guitar grunge and David Lindley deliv
surprisingly eflective mandolin and bou-
zouki parts.
The records real grea
comes from the song:
engaged and engaging Pop
ve
s. The targets, from ho
edia manipulation, are obvious. But the
angle of Pops attack ismi—and thats
where the furious excellence of the music
counts most.
Long before rock
ts and complacent mainstreamers,
had fused them all into a bizarre but
enduring persona: the heartland punker,
the small-town weirdo-on-the-street. Brick
y Brick brings that guy back, in all his guts
and glory, and nota moment too soon
‘There you are at the library. Or on a “no-radio”
beach. You could slip away for a quick music
break. Or, simply slip a CD into this Magnavox
Personal Portable CD Player.
It’s just a little larger than the compact discs it
plays. So lightweight, it's hard to believe the big
CD sound. Not surprising, it's from the inventors
of CD technology. And wait'll you hear what else
tuning with memory
ity, remote control,
Dynamic Bass Boost and much more.
And when you want to share the sound, simply
plug it into your car stereo* or home equipment.
For Magnavox, making the move into CD
technology was smart. Making CD sound really move
is very smart. "With adaptor kit
MAGNAVOX
Smart Very smart?
©1990 Philips Consumer Electronics Company. A Division of North American Philips Corporation.
34
MEN
y | \ his is a true story about gambling
а ting at cards. This is also
pont my grandmother Daisy. 1
guess you could say in addition that it is
a story about female role models and
what we can learn from them. As voung
boys, we watch the women in ou
very carefully. They teach us things.
Did 1 really have a grandmother
named Daisy? I surely did, She was born
Daisy Lycan and raised in Paris, Iinoi
where she lived lor more than 80 у
story
lives
with h a city boy
nd fascinated by
summer vacation:
y rural Americ:
d had almost no formal edu-
cation. She talked like a character from
The Beverly Hillbillies. Her grammar was
ofien atrociou
guage was exquisite, filled with country
ings and country
Daisy made a good marriage,
seemed at ıl
Fred Baber, in y her and the son
ol Asa J. Baber, my great-grandéather
(and the. president of the local bank)
Daisy and Fred had one child, a son
named Jim (the man who became my fie
ther). Fred, it turned out, liked lique
lor and work norat all. He died at a rela-
tively young
„and yet her use of lan-
soit
up with
ge, leaving Daisy a widow
with some fam land and. other. hold-
ings. She never remarried.
Daisy could swear like a trooper, drink
like a trucker and gamble like a pro. She
aught me about the potential richness
and humor of earthy, bawdy women.
rliest years, Daisy and I
She nomin
1 crime.
эт my e
had a secret life togethe
partner
nd T bet on the horse
ed me as he For ex-
ampl
every day. I knew how to read a racin
form by
“Well, Ace, what do you thi
would
. she
А
۴
the time 1 was six years old
kê” Da
sk me along about noontime as
we studied the racing sheet in the apart-
ment she kept in a downtown hotel.
“I think Portly Prince the third
Aqueduct,” Га say. That was just before
the bookie came up to collect her bets
Daisy would kid him and we would all
Laugh, and I would think that lile was
OK il at least some people had this
much sass and wit
Daisy sun-bathed in the nude on the
hotel roof. This was not a fancy hotel
you understand. There was nothing on
the roof except gravel. Bur we would
sneak up there every afternoon during
y
By ASA BABER
DRIVING
WITH DAISY
my summer visits, and Daisy would strip
and bask in the Hlinois heat. Fam pro:
to say that my grandmother was att
tive, even in her li years, and she
rly that there is no re
son to be ashamed of the human body
Mier we had sun-bathed fora while, 1
would ask her to sing to me. She usually
sang Danny Boy in a liling and gentle
voice that E can still hear today, When
Daisy sang, she looked like a litle girl,
When Vwas about eight years old, we
er of our traditions. We
to Terre Haute, Im
ana, eyery Saturday to see à movie and
then go to The Apple Club. What The
Apple Club had to offer was food—and
poker and slot machines and а bar
What Daisy had to offer was ра
tience and generosity as she fed me
nickels and steak and gambling advice.
1 learned the basic rules of many a
card game there by the Мара
| mes, as we
ac-
taught me e
me
sh, seated
s on dirt roads
in the moonlight, the Plymouth would
skid slightly out of control on a curve
‚ er, Newt. she's h
Daisy would yell
t was very funny.
Daisy showed me a lot of qualities that
I admired. My own home in Chicago
was impoverished and chaotic: hers w
always clean and orderly, Му mothe
ded for the
We thou
was v
Daisy
di
numbers. My neighborhood on
Sure t
trol, but life in a small town such as Paris
had a certain peace and safety, a human
scope and sensible limitai
To top it all off, Daisy
and joke and laugh and swear and trade
verbal punches with anybody who want-
ed to take her on. She was a live wire.
possessive and sentimental:
haninded. as а com-
s trader and just as fast with
17th
nd out of con-
was as тоц
me
t was often violer
crafty fox of a lady who understood the
give-and-take of life, a maverick who
rely went to church in a community
that usually insisted on it.
She was also a hell of a card player
She had to be to survive the killer poker
games that sprang up in Paris and often
went on for days, like the one when 1
was about nine years old. Being a
le punk, I followed the games closely,
even though the players paid по anen-
tion to me. What could a nine-year-old
know about poker, anyw
What 1 knew at one very strategic mo-
lar game was that
Daisy was playing against a che
man who slid an extra card out of his
vest pocket and into his hand when I
happened to be watching him. The pot
was worth several hundred dollars
Daisy had а full house. Humming
Danny Boy to myself, 1 wandered behind
the man and glanced at his hand. He
vy
had four of a kind. Sull humming, 1
went back and sat by my grandmother
“He's got you beat,” I hummed softly
with a sweet smile. voked at me
sharply. She was a very ethical gambler
We had never teamed up ı
fore, She did not like what 1 was doing
“He's pulling cards,” 1 bummed.
Daisy got it. “Say there, mister, what in
the goddamn hell are you doing with
those extra cards?” she said sharply to
the man as she slammed her cards face
down on the table.
is way be-
Daisy won the pot. She gave me half
The other thing she gave me was the
understanding that there are special
women in the world who can be as salty
and funny and lively and wild as men
Now, that’s an education.
El
š
Hi
š
d
E
£
H
H
H
š
i
š
E
3
:
š
{
š
i
š
El
E
š
E
š
5
Don’t Be Square.
Buy a round of Chivas for your friends in our complimentary holiday tin.
Visit your retailer or call 1-800-238-4373 to send a gift of Chivas anywhere in the U.S. Void where prohibited.
36
SPORTS
А football coach сап be re-
vered, beloved, respected. an educa-
tor, a father figure, the kind of man you
would want your son to play for, a credit to
the university, a pillar of the community, a
gentleman who always plays by the rules
and an all-round good old boy, but if he
doesn't win a national championship some-
time during his career, he will never be re-
membered as a great coach—great as in
Bear Bryant or Knute Rockne—and ac-
cording to the alumni, hanging would be
too good for him.
"The press only helped make this world.
It was largely the work of old grads, boost-
ers, boards of regents and chancellors.
The subject arises because another col-
lege football season is well under way and
the hear is on a certain group of head men
to produce момвек охе bumper stickers or
go looking for an assistant's job in Utah, or
Transylvania, or at the local Jiffy Lube.
Of course, it should be pointed out that
the majority of schools that play college
football these days have long since given
up on ever having a number-one team.
They have settled into that rut of plugging
along cheerfully as second-class. citizens
nd hoping to make it to the Peach Bowl
every ten or 12 years.
They are content to get by with what
they consider a “competitive program
which, as it happens, is only competitive
they have Kansas State on the schedule.
But life is easier for coaches at these
schools, generally. They know how to tell
jokes, go to church regularly and blame
their defeats on the big-school “cheaters.”
They also know they have a good chance to
outlast their angriest alums, because the
st alums will eventually go broke
iness or get indicted for fraud.
nous Southern coach once de-
scribed the perfect season for the man who
wanted to keep the alumni reasonably hap-
py without raising anybody's expectations
160 high for the following year
“Go 8-3 and turn down the Bluebonnet
Bowl,” he said, grinning slyly
It is only at those universities that hı
been spoiled by success, lavished with w
ning teams and occasional nation
pions throughout their modern histories.
that (he pressure weighs heavily on the
current head coaches
1 speak of a group 1
Six.
As the 1990 season began, they were
named David. McWilliams (Texas). 1
Smith (USC), Gary Gibbs (Oklahoma),
I the Jilly Lube
By DAN JENKINS
COACHING
John Cooper (Ohio State), Ray Goff (Geor-
gia) and Gene Stallings (Alabama).
Woe is them. The odds on their схе
turning out a number-one team and stay-
g employed are so low they may as well
try to win the Florida lottery.
Roughly 2060 men haye coached major
college teams since 1889, the year that the
mythical national championship was
vented by а sportswriter named Caspar
Whimey, and only 84 coaches—less than
five percent—have presided over a num-
ber-one team in any type of poll that sensi-
ble people would care to fondle. Moreover,
only 33 men have won two or more nation-
titles, and only a precious 18 men have
won three or more.
You may wonder, then, why the Jiffy
Lube Six would take these jobs, Do they
have suicidal tendencies? Have they alway:
longed to move their families to Transylva-
nia or work at a Jilly Lube?
о, they did it for two reasons. One,
money. Two, ego.
Some of the Jilly Lube Six have a better
chance than others of succeeding. Its be-
cause of an old saying in college football:
at coaches don't follow great coaches.
Let me explain. Only 12 times since the
days of Walter Camp—more than 100
years ago—has a school that enjoved a
number-one season under one coach cele-
brated another under the man who imme-
diately followed him.
Benjamin Dibblee followed W. Cameron
Forbes at Harvard, William Roper fol-
lowed A.R Т. Hillebrand at Princeton, Jock
Sutherland followed Pop Warner at Pitt,
Bill Alexander followed John Heisman at
Georgia Tech, Frank Thomas followed
Wallace Wade at Alabama, Duffy Daugher-
ty followed Biggie Munn at Michigan
State, John Robinson followed John Mc-
Kay at USC and Dan Devine followed Ara
Parseghian at Notre Dame.
That makes eight. Then there are the
two schools where historic triples have
been performed. Harry Kipke gota n
ber one for Michigan in 1933, Fritz Crisler
got a number one for Michigan in 1947
and Bennie Oosterbaan got a number one
for Michigan in 1948. And surely you are
aware of what has been going on lately
with Miami, the team of the Eighties
Howard Schnellenberger produced a na-
tional champion in 1983, Jimmy Johnson
did it again in 1987 and Dennis Erickson
did it again last year.
Usually, there is a period of misery be-
tween the departed immortal and the fu-
ture savior. Take Notre Dame, for
example. Between Knute Rockne and
Frank Leahy, the Irish suffered under
Hunk Anderson and Elmer Layden. Be-
tween Leahy and the Parseghian-Devine
eva, the Irish had to put up with Terry
Brennan, Joe Kuharich and Hugh Devore.
And between Devine and Lou Holtz, they
had to endure Gerry Faust.
What does all this mean? It means it
ves a shred of hope to McWilliams at
Texas, who is following Fred Akers and not
Darrell Royal; to Smith at USC, who is fol-
lowing Ted Tollner and not John Rol
son; to Cooper at Ohio State, who is
following Earle Bruce and not Woody
Hayes; and to Stallings at Alabama, whe
following Ray Perkins and Bill Curry and
not Bear Bryant.
It also means there is litle or no hope
for Oklahoma's Gary Gibbs, who is trying
10 follow Barry Switzer, or for Ray Goff at
Georgia, trying to follow Vince Dooley.
1 give Larry Smith at USC the best shot
at the moment—the Trojans always have
talen nd destiny seems to like USC al-
most as much as it likes Notre Dame—but
we'll probably sce all of these guys ata Jiffy
Lube someday.
El
At Braun, we regard
shaving as something you do
for your face, rather than to it.
It is this attitude that
inspired the design of the
Braun three positon switch.
Position One activates the
platinum-coated, micro-thin
foil and cutterblock system,
a combination that assures
perfect smoothness, even in
close contact with sensitive
skin. Anything less compro-
mises comfort
Position Two couples this
cutting action with the trirn-
mer feature for grooming
longer, awkward hairs on the
neck. And Position Three
extends the trimmer head
for precise visual control
when trimming sideburns
‘or mustache. Anything less
compromises closeness.
Braun has become the
number one selling foil
shaver in the world because
every design element has
‘only one purpose: to give
you the excellent shave your
face deserves,
Anything less is a com:
promise, in every respect.
Designed to perform better
38
WOMEN
үү: ага poetry reading, Duane
nd 1, and this wispy, ethereal
girl comes up to us. "Can I sit here?” she
asks.
“Sure,” we say, and move over. So she
sits and kind of spreads herself out in a
way that makes my intuition prickle. 1
watch her and wait.
“How much does beer cost?” she asks
us. We dont know, exactly. She rum-
mages in her bag and pulls out a bottle
and crouches. “I brought my own. Hide
me, OK? Don t let them see me.” Duane,
1 notice, is becoming awash with protec-
tive feeling. I'm not.
Did we know where a phone was? Did
we know of any apariments she could
rent? Could we save her seat? So we save
her seat three times, or at least Duane
does. I'm re
“Let
“We can't go,
watch that gi
back."
“Did she ask us to watch her purse’
“Well, she left it there." He stares fret-
fully at the large tapestry bag. its con-
tents half-spilling onto the floor.
“I hate that girl,” | say:
“Why are you being such a bitch
“How dare she sashay in here and ex
pect us to take care of her?"
“Oh, come on, is it gon»
be nice?”
“Yes, fuck you, it is.”
.
© ‚ why аге you
ng-room table?”
*Sshh, Mommy, I'm
he says. “We've got to
purse until she comes
hurt us to
1 say
ng on the
now White and
“Why, Clarissa?
“So that Prince Charming
on his white horse and wake me with a
1 have to keep very
sa, dear, I don't th
Charming's going to ride his horse into
our dining room.
He might; you never know.
"How about if I wake you with a ki:
"Don't be silly, Mommy, you're not a
You can't rescue me.
mi
“OK, honey, but try not to scratch the
varnish."
.
Sometimes when I go to the deli
there is a won ged. in
front of me, giving the deli guy holy hell.
First she has to taste the corned beef,
She doesn't like it and makes him open a
fresh one, but that one’s too fatty, she
By CYNTHIA HEIMEL
POISON
asked for lean, didn’t she? And what
OK, yes, that's it, no, maybe she
needs some aspirin. And maybe some
corn flakes. And didn't she say half a
pound of Swiss? The deli guy looks be-
wildered as he does her bidding, while
the customers behind her tap their feet
and mutter He asks himself what is
wrong with this woman. What does she
expect from him?
We Jews would call her a kvetch.
me, she seems deeply, profoundly di
appointed, soured, as though she never
got what she wanted.
.
¿very weekday alter five and before
six est, certain car owners on the block
move their cars from one side of the
street to the other. Then they wait nea
their cars until it is legal to leave them.
So I'm standing there with a couple of
women, I think lesbians, talking weath-
erand dogs. A guy pulls into the last va-
cant space, A woman in a straw hat with
à ribbon dangling down ck runs
up to him,
“That's my space! Honestly, 1 was just
about to pull my car in there! 1 always
have that space! You have to let me!"
"Now, that is unmitigated, fucking
ll." 1 say.
“Ten to one he goes for it,” Free уу.
“Come on, nobody's that much of a
uz," says Joan.
The guy shrugs and grins sheepishly.
into gear and pulls out
Чу
puts his c
Straw hat grins and rushes triumpha
to her car.
She'll never get it in there; her
twice the size of his!" I say:
“She'll beg prettily and get everyone
else to move their cars; you just watch,”
said Freda.
And that's exactly what she did.
“Wow!” said Joan. “If they bad ma-
nipulation Olympics, she'd definitely
place.”
.
“But why can't 1 do it my
my?
“Because, dear, it’s not ladylike. If he
does it again, you call your father or
your brother. They can take care of that
bully.”
“But, Mom, it was my bike. It should
be me who punches him in the nose.”
Baby, would Cinderella punch a boy
in the nose?”
elf, Mom-
.
“I just can't cope!” was crying.
"Look, Sara,” said Jill, “you left Mark
because you wanted to be independent.
1 don't mind you sleeping on my couch
for five months. But you have to pay
your own goddamned phone bill.”
But 1 had that big dermatologist's
bill. And then I ruined my only decent
pair of shoes and had to buy another
pai »
“Look, Sara, 1 just can't keep picking
up your slack. Why should I? l've got
enough problems."
“But don't you see? I just сап
“I know, cope, Maybe you'd better go
back to Mark."
б
"Well. | still think you're mean,”
Duane.
“You don't u
said
ler 1” | whined.
“Women like that give wom bad
you guys, you're so stupid,
a big way,
poor, soft, take-care-of-me type, and
then, when she takes you for everything
you're worth, you're shocked, you're
horrified, you blame our entire ses.”
“You're just jealous,” said Duane.
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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR
Fe you ever encountered the se
phrase boxing the compass? What does it
mean? L.. Detroit, Michigan
There is a scene in a Walter Matthau
movie in which he spends the day in bed with
а woman, boxing the compass. He tries to
find a sexual position for each axis of the bed.
H applies to other pieces of furniture as well.
The next time you enter a new selling with a
lover, try to imagine an erotic use for every
йет in view Make а pact nol to leave until
you've done it in the shower, on the dressing
table, in the chair, on the coffee table, hanging
from the chandelier, on the stairs, in the clos-
el, under the bed, in the garage, in the foyer:
You don't have to have an orgasm m each po-
sition or place, just some form of sexual con-
tact. You can do this to tired old settings to
ex life. When you're done, ev-
erything you see will remind you of sex. That
will lead to even more sex. Its a vicious circle.
This may not qualify as a reasonable
question, but here goes: How does the
Playboy Advisor remove price tags from
gifts?—E K., Sacramento, California.
You assume that we buy gifts. Over the
wars, we've developed The Curmudgeon’
Guide to Christmas. Around Thanksgwing,
we alienate all our friends, thus avoiding the
obligation to give gifts. Then, around Feb-
ruary, we make amends, just in time for
our birthday. As for removing stickers, there
are some handy tips: Don't ever scrape or
scratch—cven a fingernail can damage some
surfaces. Lay a strip of cellophane tape on the
label and give a quick tug. That will get most
stickers, The next line of offense is warm wa-
ter (either soak or dab with a wet doth to dis-
solve the adhesive) or hol air (a blow drier
may soften adhesive). Still no luck? Graduate
to prewash laundry sprays, oils or adhesive
remover. Or you can simply be а boor and
leave the price tag on to show her what a gen
erous guy you are.
М, sinn
that she once
gram that suggested sexual
You would answer a questio
computer would come up with an appro-
" fantasy {rom a pamphlet
filled wi arios. For example, the guy
anted to watch, so the prog;
ed several voyeuristic episodes
ever d of such a
Boston, Massachusetts.
We have the pamphlet for a program called
Interlude (from Syntonic Software Corpora-
tion, 10428 Westpark, Houston, Tèxas
77042). We never bothered running the pro-
gram—uwe liked all of the scenarios. For ex-
ample, interlude number 57 was called “Just
Watching Her": “Your man would like to
watch you masturbate, so make it extra erotic
Jor him. Put on a loose. silky robe and get the
sexiest books you have ("Delta of Venus,’ for
md, a computer freak, says
fed a guy who had
example). Sit in a soft armchair opposite him.
Read aloud the erotic passages from the book.
As you read, part your robe to reveal your legs
and pubic area. Throw one leg across the arm
of the chair and touch yourself as the words of
the book arouse you. Pretend that you are
alone or that a stranger is watching you from
across the way. Set your own pace, but let the
words arouse your excitement, Remember
that your voice and your actions ave equally
exciting to him. When you are sufficiently
aroused, give yourself aver’ completely to or-
gasm.” If you wanted lo reverse roles, you
could sit at the breakfast table, read “The Na-
tional" and recite Rotisserie League statistics
as you aroused yourself The point of the pro-
gram is to vary your sexual routine. You can
do the same thing mechanically. Buy a large
glass fish bowl. Have your girlfriend write
out ten or 20 scenarios. Write some yourself.
Tass them into the boul. You can describe
scenes from X-rated flicks, from soap operas,
from fiction, from your own past, Then play
lotto with your love life, pulling out a scene
and acting it out.
W would like to bu
fortunately, either | have obscure taste or
the local stores have no taste at all. Is there
a central clearinghouse for video titles? —
J. P, Evanston, Шпої
‘heck out the C vice Video Search
Line (900-370-6500). Cost of a call is o
dollar for the first minute and 50 cents for
each additional minute. There are more than
35.000 titles available on video cassette. 1f
the title you are looking for is one of them,
VS.L. can tell you where to order and, in
most cases, will place the order for you. Crit-
ies’ Choice handles more than 2200 titles it-
self and can fill most orders within 48 hours.
The tough ones take а little longer The
ILLUSTRATION BY OENNIS MUKAI
search line gets 200 calls a day, many from
people looking for classics: "It was thirty-five
years ago, on our honeymoon. My wife and |
watched a movie with Jimmy Stewart in front
of a fireplace. Can you find it?” We called
and asked for three obscure titles ("Walka-
bout.” "More" and “Leo the Last). The first
was available as a rental, the two others had
never been licensed for wideo release. This
was actually good news: Our name went into
the data base. When those films become avail-
able, we'll be notified.
ІН... come gu
lont appreciate the sub-
tle effect a bedroom has on lovemaking?
You could do your readers a service by
running some hints on improving the
erotic. environment.—Miss T K., New
York, New York.
We just read an interesting book tilled “In-
ner Sex in 30 Days: The Erotic Fulfillment
Program,” by Keith Harary and Pamela
Weintraub, who suggest turning a room of
your house into an erotic refuge. Start by sit-
ting in the middle of your bedroom and tak-
ing a look: “Is your bedroom a sensual
environment especially conducive to the ex-
pression of your inner sexuality? Do the col-
ars and textures work to enhance your
sexuality or to repress u? [s your bedroom a
soft, inviting refuge from the world at large?
Or does the outside world intrude itself into
this private realm in subtle or not so subtle
ways? . . . Your erotic refuge should be a room
in which you can emotionally leave the out-
side world outside.” The authors make some
concrete suggestions: “Begin by clearing the
room of any objects that make it seem cluttered
or that distract you from feeling fully focused
an your sexual partner. Make sure the room is
strictly a bedroom—clear it of any objects that
make the room seem partly living room, say,
or partly bathroom or office or closet. Sel up a
corner chair where you can neatly hang your
clothes after taking them off . . . If your quar-
ters are cramped and you must use your bed.
room for more than one purpose—for
instance, if you must equip it with а desk and
a computer —try to use screens, colorful cloth
hangings ov curtains to divide the distracting
area.” The authors suggest removing any ob-
ject that reminds you of former lovers and
cleaning the room thoroughly, “so that you
feel completely comfortable touching any sur-
Jace—including the floor—with your totally
naked body" Choose art that is sensuous, if
not explicit. Install a full-length mirror some-
where in the room. Place a comfortable throw
rug, big enough for you and your lover to
stretch out on, on the floor Use red or pink
light bulbs to create an ethereal, almost other-
worldly appearance. Don't just think clean
sheets—think of the texture next to naked
skin. Toss an assortment of different-sized pil-
lows on the bed. If there is a telephone, un-
plug it. If there is a television set, cover it or
leave it in the corner. Have a source that can
41
PLAYBOY
provide music for an hour and a half without
interruption, Keep an erotic wardrobe—
doosc-fitting kimonos, robes or pajama tops—
that you can change into. The authors also
suggest making the bathroom part of your
erotic refuge: “The state of your bathroom
environment is an intimate expression of how
you feel about your body. It is the room in
which you clean your body in preparation for
a sexual encounter, and it is often the room
in which you will find yourself—for one rea-
son or another—either during a sexual
experience or shortly afler a sexual encounter
is completed. Ut should therefore be kept
scrupulously clean and inviting, using the
same sorts of general techniques you used in
preparing your erotic bedroom environment.
Place a clean and cozy rug on the bathroom
floor and make sure there are plenty of
clean, large, thick and absorbent cotton tow
els available at all times. It is often not the
most exotic sex aids that make the differ-
ence in our enjoyment of a given sexual
encounter but, rather, the simple niceties of
life." Good advice.
WM iai is the proper amount to tip help
at Christmas?— ]. R., Chicago. Illinois.
The Curmudgeons Guide to Christmas
suggests never lipping during the holidays. It
also suggests moving once a year. Too much
hassle? Then heres a pocket guide: For door-
men and building superintendents, from $20
to $70; for handymen, porters and elevator
operators, $10 to $20 (yan should be tipping
these guys on a per job basis). Cleaning wom-
en deserve one weeks pay at Christmas (more
than we get); your day-care provider deserves
one weeks salary. The final category concerns
deliverymen: Mailmen and deliverymen may
warrant from $10 to $30. Now, if you have
anything lefi, think about tipping your local
advice giver.
s... l years ago, while out of town on
business, I became involved with a man
who turned me on to a level higher than I
could ever remember experiencing, We
forced ourselves to limit our intense se:
encounter
to everything except intei
- Somehow, this has eliminated the
guilt of straying from our re
spouses. Time has passed and our ph
distance has turned the affair into o
ducted over the phone and through the
mail. Part of the excitement is the fact tha
it is illicit —we are even employed by the
ame company, so this is a hot secret! We
haven't seen each other in two years, but
that hasn't stopped our communication.
When we can schedule the time, we ha
the most outrageous phone sex our
offices. Through erotic words and our
hands, we are able to take each other to in
credible orgasmic states. At the end of se
eral of these phone calls, Гус wound up.
partially dressed on my olfice floor with
unately,
bal turn-on, only to have to hang up due to
nal workday imerruptions. We both
see
sion will supersede our
nd well fuck like crazy. Lam
adering if after all of this fantasy build-
up, the relationship will change once we do
ger together. PF
gone, the excitement will dimi
on the chemistry that connected us before
sex for both of us was incredible),
re sure we wont be disappointed.—
Mrs, D. W. Foster City, Califo
Is this what they mean by safe sex? What
you have is creative, clandestine and guilt-
free. Why jeopardize a (relatively) good thing
by consummating this affair? Is this cheal-
ing? Yes. (Have you tried phoning home?)
Are you going to have sex when you see this
man? Probably, (If you don't want that to
happen, stop the phone calls. Or make it clear
that they aren't leading to something as mun-
dane as an extramarital affair) Apply this
energy to your marriage.
In planning to install a stereo system in
convertible. Some ol my friends tell me
in for a very expensive ordeal—
convertibles sound system needs more
power than а hardtop. Whats the
scoop?—W. O., Kansas City, Kansas.
The wind in your hair blows past your
ears, too, creating an ambient noise that can
be as loud as 80 or 90 decibels. That wind
robs a bass of any power and makes serious
demands on midrange and high frequencies.
Most shops insist on installing a subwoofer—
under the rear seat, beneath the ragtop stor
age compartment or in the side panels in
back—with a beefed-up amplifier (at least
100 watts) and a separate power source
(there gues the trunk), Component speakers
with separately mounted midrange and high
frequency tweeters will take care of the rest of
the sound. Experts advise placing them as
high in the car—upper door or dashboard—
as possible. The latest rage is a Uard-channel
dash-mounted center speaker. Now, if you fol-
low this advice, will you promise not to drive
through our neighborhood?
Roni ried seeing a lady who's 3
and a knockout from head to toe.
I am 21 and somewhat educated 9
different aspects of sexual pleasure—ex-
cept one. We've been together for about
four months; one night, she came home
from work in desperate need of a foot m;
sage after being on her feet all day. She lay
on the floor while I Nie P her fee ب
st 10 be different, E started licking the
bottoms of her feet. She loved i
ed sucking on her toes. I couldnt belie ver
was doing that, but I loved having her toes
my mouth. We were lying in opposite di-
rections, so she pulled down my shorts and
started to masturbate me while I sucked
on her toes and licked her leet. We were
going crazy and I had the most intense or-
bated. She loved
anted to do that to her again, I should go
for it. So here's my question: Is there such a
foot sex? Have other people con-
icted you on this topic? We both fo
not weird «
ted to try
1 guess this qualifics, What do
think?—M. J. K., Newark, New Jersey
Yowve gut to take your Air Jordans off
sumetime—this is as good a reason as any.
E2,wvescropping on a couple of guy
drinking at a bar, 1 was perplexed to hear
calls for a Т couldnt make out
what the drink м ind | can't hind a rel
nce to it in any manual. You're my last re-
sort.—G. E., Memphis, Tennessee.
spacer is a nonalcoholic sip sandwiched
between standard alcoholic drinks. Is a way
of lightening up during a session of serious
swilling, without skipping a round. Almost
any nonalcoholic beverage can act as a spac-
er—ginger ale, seltzer, nonalcoholic beer,
ace—you name и.
ІМ, girlfriend claims that we never
nough time for sex. She likes long, lazy
ssions and feels cheated by anything less.
Indeed, she now fails to reach orgasm
without a full production. 1 feel under
pressure to set aside huge chunks of time,
when I could be off playing golf. Is there a
solutionz—M. K., Casper, Wyoming.
Sex, like work, expands to fill the time
allotted. Your girlfriend may have set up a
self fulfilling prophecy (or is that self defeat
ing?). Hf she thinks she needs three hours, then
that will become the standard. Show her that
sex can be just as exciting in small burs
Sometime soon, ask her to time herself —to see
how quickly she can reach orgasm. A sprint
can gel your heart racing just as effectively as
a marathon. When she gels it down to less
than two minutes, you can start doing il in
closets at parties, in telephone booths at the
airport, in hotels after you've called room
service or between the time you hear the
buzzer and your guests climb three flights to
your apartment, Then, when she has learned
to come in a fiw minutes, see how many
orgasms you can fit into three hours, or how
long you can make one session last. As good
as golf gets, it will never be better than sex
you
All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
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ally answered if the wriley includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
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Shore Drive, Chicago, Illmois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.
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LOOK QUT FOR
UMBER ONE.
Beer drinkers are thirsty So much so, that Sharps
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DON WRIGHT. "THE PALM BEACH POST
MUS
АПШ
The day Supreme Court Justice
iam J. Brennan resigned, Bruce
Fein—an astute, conservative analyst of
the Court— predicted gleefully that the
Court would now be transformed into
"a conservative juggernaut.”
Fein based his optimism on the clear
fact that Brennan in recent years had
been able to partially hold back the
evisceration of the Bill of Rights by be-
g the deciding vote in a number of
five—four decisions.
In the Court's—and Brennan’s—last
term, for example, he prevailed in the
flag-burning case, in an affirmative-ac-
tion judgment and in a remarkable de-
cision that allowed a
Federal judge to
compel a school dis-
trict (O raise taxes
ıo pay for ways
to desegregate the
schools. And Bren-
nan saved the
increasingly jeopar-
dized exclusionary
rule (which states
that evidence illegal-
ly obtained by police
cannot be used in
court) by persuad-
ing Byron White to
join him in a
five four ruling.
Brennan was the
1051 effective coali-
tion builder in the
Court's history As
Thurgood Marshall recently said,
"There's nobody here that can per-
le the way Brennan can persuade."
In the Rehnquist years, Brennan lost.
more than he won, but he won enough
10 keep much of the Bill of Rights alive.
vith him gone—and with David
a narrow and passionless jurist.
TEN
nph over individual
rights and liberties in the great majori-
ty of cases to come.
In the current 1990-1991 term, for
example, the Court decide whether
the Reagan Administration violated the
First Amendment by forbidding the
how to para the bill of ri
Mig aga
NE
GRANT INTE
. ee
PASA SA
THE PLAYBOY FORUM
FREEDOM:
TIMES
EIER
hts from bush's supreme couri
By Nat Hentoff
3000 Federally funded family-plan-
ning dinics from even mentioning
abortion to their low-income dients.
There are also crucial school-desegre-
gation, womenis-rights and conditions-
on-death-row cases. Brennan will not
be there to persuade his colleagues on
the right to sec the individual human
beings at the core of these confronta-
tions.
Yet there are ways to preserve the
essence of the Bill of Rights by bypass-
ing this Supreme Court. It was Bren-
nan who showed how it can be done in
an influential 1977 Harvard Law Re-
view article. He reminded lawyers that
1 i SEARCH
EN
nat
state constitutions’ protection of indi-
vidual liberties often extend beyond
those “required by the Supreme Courts
'erpretation of Federal law”
A state constitution or legislature
cannot provide less protection than the
Federal Constitution. (A state, for in-
stance, cannot deny the public and
press access to criminal trials or close
down a newspaper whose editorial has
offended the governor.) But the indi-
vidual states can give its citizens more
as long as no Federally pro-
ht is contravened, than the
United States Constitution.
Following Brennan's lead, an increas-
wea DIES
N
AUS
l Ë
їй
ing number of state-court decisions in
Tecent years have ignored the crabbed
interpretations of individual liberties
by the Warren Burger and William
Rehnquist Courts. And in the years
ahead—with only three liberals (Thur-
good Marshall, Harry Blackmun and
John Paul Stevens) left on the Supreme
Court, two of them over 80—state
courts are the basic shields against
the preference the Rehnquist Court
gives to prosecutors, police and other
agents of the state.
Not all states have relatively liber-
tarian constitutions and courts. But
many—New York, Oregon, Florida,
Texas, — Massachu-
setts, New Jersey
and sometimes Cali-
fornia, among oth-
ers—do.
‘Two years ago, for
instance, the Su-
preme Court, by a
six-two majority—
with Brennan in
vehement dissent—
declared that we
have no expectation
of privacy in our
garbage once we put
it outside our home.
Accordingly, said
the Court, it was
constitutional for
the police to search
through а mans
garbage in Cali-
fornia in order to find some reason that
would allow them to obtain the re-
quired warrant to search his house
Brennan objected that garbage con-
tains evidence of the “intimate acti
associated with the sanctity of a man’s
home and the privacies of life which the
Fourth Amendment is designed to pro-
tect.” Of course, he „there is an ex-
pectation of privacy in ones own
garbage.
‘Two years later, in a similar case in
New Jersey, that state's highest court—
relying entirely on the constitution of
New Jersey—differed with the majority
of the United States Supreme Court:
EN
45
REPRINTED BY PERMSSION OF NEA
Sounding like William Brennan, the
majority decision emphasized that
“clues to people's most private traits
and affairs can be found in their
garbage. . - . There is a difference be-
tween a homeless person scavenging for
food and clothes and an officer of the
state scrutinizing the contents of a gar-
bage bag for incriminating materials."
A state-court decision that particu-
larly pleased Brennan was a landmark
event in the history of free expression.
In January 1987, the Oregon supreme
court said that what the United States
Supreme Court or anybody else charac-
terizes as "obscenity" would henceforth
be protected under the Oregon consti-
tution. Article I, Section Fight of that
constitution states plainly, "No law shall
be passed restraining the free expres-
sion of opinion. or restricting the right
to speak, write or print freely on any
subject whatever."
After all, said the Oregon supreme
court, when the state constitution was
adopted in 1857, most of the members
of the Constitutional Convention “were
rugged and robust individuals dedicat-
ed to founding a free society unfet-
tered by the governmental imposition
of some peoples views of morality on
the free expression of others."
Brennan's delight in Oregon's proof
of his belief that state courts can some-
times provide more freedom than the
Supreme Court was heightened by his
own experience with judging obscenity
cases. After 16 years of being the
Supreme Court's principal writer of de-
cisions on obscenity, he gave up in 1973
because he found it impossible to find
the line that separates speech protected
by the First Amendment and unpro-
tected obscenity. He doubts strongly
that there is such a line,
Indicative of the range and depth of
state courts’ dissents from certain ma-
jority Supreme Court opinions are
these cases:
In 1989, the United States Supreme
Court ruled that executing someone
who is mentally retarded is not “cruel
and unusual punishment” under the
Eighth Amendment of the Constitu-
tion. But later in 1989, the Georgia
supreme court boldly held that “al-
though the rest of the nation may not
agree, under the Georgia constitution,
the execution of the mentally retarded
[does constitute] cruel and unusual
WHAT IF SONEDN
SONEBODY WANTS TO BURN
À FLIS.. OR.. OR TAKE HOMO-
EROTIC PICTURES OR SING
EXPLICIT RAP LYRICS OR
punishment” in violation of the Geor-
gia state constitution, which prohibits
such punishment.
The Fourth Amendment (whìch says
that searches must be conducted with a
warrant and with probable cause) was
clearly and precisely written without ex-
ceptions.
However, in 1984, the Supreme
Court allowed for a damaging excep-
tion. In the Leon case, the Court ruled
that even if a judge's search warrant
were defective, the evidence seized by
the police would still be admitted at tri-
al if the police had a “good faith" belief
that the warrant was OK.
In 1988, the North Carolina supreme
court swept aside the United States
Supreme Courts weakening of the
Fourth Amendment, stating that the
North Carolina constitution adheres
strictly to its state search-and-seizure
guarantees and allows for no excep-
tions that allow the admission of evi-
dence illegally obtained by the police.
The Sup: irt has ruled in a
number of cases—including two dur-
ing the last term—that laws requiring
parental consent before an unmarried
teenager can have an abortion are con-
stitutional. But in 1989, the Florida
supreme court said that such require-
ments are a violation of the right to p:
vacy guaranteed by Article I, Section
23 of the Florida constitution.
Also, with regard to abortion, al-
though the United States Supreme
Court has decided that the Federal
Constitution does not require the
spending of public funds for abortions
for women who cannot afford them, the
California, Massachusetts and New
Jersey courts have ruled that their con-
stitutions do require that women who
Ibortions on their own be
state funds.
Then there is the question of
whether or not the police can set up
roadblocks and randomly test the sobri-
ety of motorists without any particular-
ized suspicion that any one of them
might be under the influence. In its last
term, the Supreme Court said that such
random searches were not in violation
of the Fourth Amendment.
But the state supreme court of Rhode
Island has held that this sort of
search goes against the state constitu-
tion's guarantee against unreasonable
searches and seizure
Ronald K. L. Col ing associ-
ate professor of law at Catholic Univer-
sity of America and an expert on state
courts, reports that there have now
been more than 600 significant state-
court decisions since 1970 that have
given greater protections in civil liber-
ties and civil rights cases than the
Supreme Court
One of the many he cites is a Califor-
nia court of appeals ruling that upheld
a jury award of $485.042 to Barbara
Luck. a computer programmer, fired
for refusing to submit a urine sample in
an unannounced drug test by her rail-
road employer. Although the Supreme
Court has approved random. unan-
nounced drug tests for certain kinds of.
railroad employees, in this instance, the
California court rejected the railroad
companys argument that the right
10 privacy under the California consti-
tution. should be narrowly construed
and should not be applicable against
employers.
A particularly dramatic illustration of
a state judge— relying on a state consti-
tution—going much further than the
Supreme Court was the decision this
year of a Michigan jurist to overturn
the states antisodomy law and three
statutes governing gross indecency. The
Jaw had prohibited oral and anal inter-
course between homosexuals and all
other adults. (concluded on page 52)
savi
N E
W S F R O N T
what's happening in the sexual and social arenas
CHARGE IT
“Even the most overworked corporate
accountant would balk at an expense-
dam voucher that read ‘Blondes,
Blondes, Blondes! or ‘Midnight Dreams; "
says an IRS official, “and no one, but no
one, would dare put il on an income-tax
Jorm as a deductible expense.” As a result,
sex services that advertise as accepting
“all major credit cards” bill under bogus
names, which allows their customers to ex-
pense sex as anything from “conference
catering” to “office supplies.” A recent
sting operation by the Government in-
volved 19 cities in 12 states and netted
more than 25,000 phony credit-card
slips—and the IRS claims that thats the
Lip of the iceberg.
PORN KILLS
rexinc—In its continuing efforts to
stamp out “bourgeois liberalization,” the
Peoples Republic of China has decreed
that possessors of porn get life in prison—
if they're lucky. If they're not, they gel a
bullet in the back of the neck. Pornogra-
phy includes sex cartoons, photos of nudes
and obscene photos or films. In cases where
the offender is executed, the family is billed
Jor the bullet.
MURDER, SHE SAW
SAN FRANCISCO—Citing the First
Amendment, public television station
KQED-TV is suing in Federal court for
permission to record and broadcast a gas-
chamber execution at San Quentin Pris-
on. “Whats interesting,” says the stations
current-affairs director, “is that peoples
positions on our lawsuit don't seem to
have very much to do with their support of
or opposition to the death penalty People
on both sides take both sides.” Some aduo-
cates of capital punishment think televis-
ing it would undermine their position by
grossing out wiewers— which is just what
opponents of the death penalty want. Oth-
ers believe that it would give execution the
proper deterrent effect. The station assures
the public that if it does broadcast the
killing, the event will be preceded by a
viewer-discretion warning.
DEVIL-MAY-CARE
TOPEKA, KANSAS—Fed up with having
loonies link its logo with diabolism, Proc-
ter & Gamble has brought suit against
two Amway distributors who advocated
boycotting PEG. for supporting the
Church of Satan. The suit asks a modest
$50,000 in damages in addition to a
court order restraining the distributors
from further spreading the old rumor,
whose origin is unknown, thal the compa-
nys familiar moon-and-stars trademark is
а satanic symbol.
TURN, TURN, TURN
According to a study in the New Eng-
land Journal of Medicine, male sperm
counts go up in the winter and down in
the summer, which may explain why birth
rates peak in the fall and drop in the
spring. The researchers whó reported the
finding said that the fluctuation actually
seems to be unrelated to temperature and
they speculated that it might be a result of
an internal biological clock.
AIDS SLANDER
SPRINGFIELD, NEBRASKA—IJn what may
be a legal first, the Nebraska supreme
court has upheld an award of $25,350 in
damages to a 30-year-old salesman falsely
rumored to be infected with AIDS. The
court agreed that the woman who started
and spread the gossip is guilty of slander
and owes the man damages. The rumor
resulted in financial loss (the man was
forced to quit his job), injury to his reputa-
tion and mental suffering.
INEXPERIENCED NEED NOT APPLY
JERUSALEM—A young bachelor rabbi,
chosen to be the spiritual leader of a small
Jarming town, has been declared un-
‘qualified for lack of sexual experience. Is-
raels chief Sephardic rabbi noted that one
of a rabbi's duties is to give married cou-
ples sexual advice and "to do this, he has
to know these matters from up close" As
the chief rabbi explained, “A doctor who
hasn't done an internship would never be
allowed to teat any patients.” The young
rabbi has agreed to “wait patiently until
my match comes from heaven.”
DEAD HORSE WON'T FLY
A study published in the Journal of Sex
Research by Dr. Larry Baron of UCLA
refutes the claim by antiporn feminists
that erotic publications promote gender
inequality. Dr. Baron reports that a
higher “sex magazine” circulation in a
state only reflects greater political toler-
ance and a cultural environment that is
more, not less, committed to equal rights.
POOR TASTE
WIESBADEN, GERMANY—Stale food in-
spectors visited a local porno emporium
and declared its edible panties to be unfit
for human consumption. Despite the man-
ufacturers claim that they were 100 per-
cent safe and wholesome, the officials
Sound the shop's cherry-flavored bikini un-
derwear to contain illegal ingredients.
47
KING FEATURES
кл калк
ы эл
emits:
PEN
v
B
They must think that God reads law-
books and that women dont.
Following the Supreme Court de
on abortion in 1989—a ruling that un-
dermined a woman's right to a safe, med-
ical abortion—Right-to-Lifers around
the country fell over themselves in a rush
to win the anti-abortion sweepstakes.
Who could be the cleverest and cruelest?
Who could draft a law that would go all
the way to the Supreme Court, where it
would force the final undoing of Roe vs.
Wade? By one count, 40 states considered.
350 abortion-relat-
ed bills in the
space of a year.
Each of the follow-
ing was—for a
week or two—the
“toughest or most
restrictive abor-
tion bill in the na-
tion.”
PENNSYLVANIA—
The state legisla-
tors approved a
bill that would re-
quire women to
notify their hus-
bands if they
planned to get an
abortion, establish
a mandatory 24-hour waiting period,
prohibit abortion because of the fetus’
sex and outlaw abortions after the 24th
week except in cases where the mother
faced irreversible harm or death. Doc-
tors would have to inform women of the
age of the fetus before performing an
abortion and would have to discuss alter-
natives and risks with them.
Outcome: A Federal judge struck
down several restrictions.
A state-senate committee
ion drafted by the Nation-
al Right to Life Committee that would
allow abortions only in these cases: “rape
reported to the police within 48 hours of
the attack; incest reported to the author-
ities before the abortion; pregnancy that
threatens the woman's life or endangers
her health; and pregnancy that would re-
z ABORTION:
TOUGH GUYS
PONDER TOUGH LAWS
sult in a child born with profound and
irremediable physical or mental disabili-
ties incompatible with sustained sur-
vival.”
Outcome: The bill was rejected.
олно: The Idaho house approved a
bill that would outlaw abortion as a
method of birth control, allowing it only
in cases of rape, mcest, profound and
irremediable fetal disabilities or to save
the life of or to prevent severe and long-
lasting physical health damage to the
mother.
Outcome: The bill was vetoed by the
governor.
Guam: The outside contender for the
most restrictive legislation, the tiny is-
land of Guam, a US. territory, passed a
measure that outlawed most abortions,
including cases involving rape, incest or
fetal abnormality, and made performing
an abortion a felony for doctors, a misde-
meanor for women. It allowed abortion
only if the pregnancy endangered the
life of the mother or gravely impaired
her health.
Outcome: The governor accepted the
bill; it was overturned by a Federal judge.
LOUISIANA: The legislature passed a bill
that banned abortion even in the case of.
rape or incest (one lawmaker said that
"inbreeding is how we get our champi-
onship horses”). The measure was vetoed
by the governor. The lawmakers came
back with a number of amendments
tacked to a flag-burning bill: Abortion
would be prohibited except when neces-
sary to save the life of the mother or in
cases of aggravated rape or incest report-
ed to police and a physician no more
than a week alter it took place. The bill
prohibited abortions for victims of sim-
ple rape (defined as when a woman is in-
capable of resisting, such as when she is
drunk, unconscious or afraid of the
rapist).
Outcome: The
governor vetoed
the second bill
The range of
legislation was im-
pressive: Some
States tried to dust
off 19th Century
laws that sen-
tenced anyone who
performed an
abortion to ten
years of hard
labor. Others tried
to penalize abor-
tion used as birth
control or for sex
selection
Although the litany of repressive legis-
ation has a grim ring, there are some
mphs: When Florida governor Bob
Martinez called a special session to intro-
duce a package of abortion restrictions,
lawmakers just said no. Governors i
Michigan, Mississippi and Idaho vetoed
bills limiting abortion.
Connecticut passed a broad abortion-
rights bill; Ohio tried, introducing a bill
that would forbid any restrictions on
abortion and would require the state to
pay for abortions for poor women, The
town of Ann Arbor, Michigan, declared
itself a “free reproductive zone." Locals
passed a bill—in the event that the state
or country ever passed a law prohibiting
abortion—making women who had an
abortion subject to a five-dollar fine.
[сл
уз
Sinon par
If you cant pick on someone your own
Size, pick on someone hall your age.
The Supreme Court reviewed a Min-
nesota state law that requires an unwed
teenager to notify both parents before
obtaining an abortion—even if the girl
livesina single-parent household and has
not had contact with the other parent for
years. If a teenager is afraid or unable to
consult both parents, she has to persuade
a judge to grant an exemption. A lower
court found the law to be unconstitution-
al, saying that notifying two parents
could produce harmful effects on both
the minor and the custodial parent when
the parents were divorced or separated.
As for forcing a teenage girl to face a
Judge: “The court experience produced
fear, tension, anxiety and shame among
minors, causing some who were mature
and some whose best interests would
*
p mam
Rue
test,
“FO. E305
have been served by an abortion to forgo
the bypass option and either notily their
parents or carry to term.”
The Supreme Court reversed the low-
er-court ruling by a five-four vote in a
bizarre two-wrongs-make-a-right form of
reasoning, ‘The Supreme Court held that
as long as the state offered the teenager
the choice of either of these two evils, the
law could stand.
An ABC News/Washington Post poll
found that while a majority of Americans
support a woman right to have an abor-
tion for any reason, 79 percent of those
polled said minors should be required by
law to notify a parent before undergoing
n abortion.
That sounds good in principle; but if
years of parenting haven't established.
trust, no law will. And who can say that a
LES
2,22
judge will act in the best interests of the
minor? One judge in Michigan delayed a
consent hearing, forcing an I1-year-old
girl (made pregnant by her mothers
boyfriend) to carry the pregnancy to
term. The next year, he stripped her of
custody of the child, claiming she was
glectful and too immature to care for
Bill and Karen Bell from Indiana, a
state with parental-consent laws, have
toured the country talking with state leg-
islators intent on passing similar laws.
‘Their daughter Becky became pregnant.
Afraid to tell her parents and afraid to
go to a judge for an exemption, she
sought an illegal abortion, She contract-
ed an infection and died.
A Massachusetts judge who has had to
deal with parental consent for nine years
said, “All the law does is harass kids.
Sometimes it kills them.
49
BOOM BOX
As a member of and principal
songwriter for the now-defunct
trio Uncle Bonsai, 1 enjoyed the
"Boom-Box Diplomacy" (The
Playboy Forum, May) rock-and-
roll lists that include our song
Penis Envy under antiporn zealot
Andrea Dworkir's name. In fact,
years after Penis Envy was re-
leased, we performed a song,
Women with a “Y” (Womyn), writ-
ten with Dworkin in mind.
Andrew Ratshin
Uncle Bonsai tackled such topics
as Madison Avenue, liposuction,
surrogate mothers, shopping malls,
Disney World and antisex zealots.
Trony you can dance to.
An excerpt of the lyrics from
“Women with a Y” (Womyn)":
“Adam was an asshole
Adam must have been an asshole
"Cause he couldn't satisfy
The only woman in the place
Eve was certainly devoted
As he plundered and persisted
Never thought if she resisted
She could save the women's face
And as Adam demonstrated
As he blindly penetrated
Eve would simply have to take it
bing down
She just couldn't see the trap-
pings
That the men had under wrap-
pings
Still they blamed her dnd they
ran her out of town
Get the man out of the woman
Get the man out of mankind
Take the man down from the
mantel
Leave the manful talk behind
While the men are on maneuvers
Let the mantras full the sky
Make the world a place for
women
Women with a 'Y'"
Uncle Bonsais recordings are
available from Ebb Productions,
FOR THE RECORD
ROOM Reet
The American Fibn and Video Association recently
issued the following statement on censorship:
“The freedom to view, along with the freedom to
speak, to hear and to read, is protected by the First
Amendment to the Constitution of the United
States. In a free society, there is no place for cen-
sorship of any medium of expression. Therefore,
these principles are affirmed:
1. To provide the broadest possible access to film,
video and other audio-visual materials, because
they are a means for the communication of ideas,
Liberty of circulation is essential to ensure the con-
stitutional guarantee of freedom of expression.
2. Т protect the confidentiality of all individuals
and institutions using film, video and other audio-
visual materials.
3. То provide film, video and other audio-visual
materials that represent a diversity of views and
expression. Selection of a work does not consti-
tute or imply agreement with or approval of the
content.
4. To provide a diversity of viewpoints without
the constraint of labeling or prejudging film, video
and other audio-visual materials on the basis of
the moral, religious or political beliefs of the pro-
ducer or film maker or on the basis of contro-
versial content.
5. To contest vigorously, by all lawful means,
every encroachment upon the publics free-
dom to view.
taxes, would be able to use the
medicinal properties of marijua-
na appropriately and would be
able to keep it from children.
One hundred years ago, farm-
ers in the U.S. produced all of the
fiber, medicine and food that
Americans consumed. Farming
was their heritage and was the
backbone of our economy, as well
as the basis of our morality and
the foundation of our expecta-
tions. Instead, we increasingly
rely on synthetic products—even
in our food—that create toxic
wastes.
The evolution from natural
products to synthetic ones was
planned and implemented by
several corporations, including
Hearst Paper Manufacturing,
Kimberly-Clark and DuPont.
“Those three companies, among
others, stood to lose billions of
dollars if the hemp from mari-
juana could successfully be made
into paper products. In the Thir-
ties, when machinery to make
the conversion was refined, the
companies maneuvered to make
marijuana illegal. William R;
dolph Hearst used his consid-
erable newspaper power to
sensationalize the evils of mari-
juana. In 1937, their efforts paid
off with the prohibition of mari-
Juana through taxation law.
Had marijuana been kept le-
gal, the use of the sulphuric-acid
process for wood-pulp paper
that DuPont had patented would
have all but disappeared—thus
eliminating most of the pollution
in the rivers of our Northwest
and Southeast.
It is time for the marijuana
activist to merge with environ-
mental groups, individual-rights
groups and fair-minded indi-
viduals of all races, creeds, colors
and political affiliations, to de-
mand a right to make individual
choices about marijuana. Manu-
facturers of synthetic products
resist that concept. They do not
want farmers to compete with
9102 17th Avenue NE, Seattle, Washington
98115-3212.
MARIJUANA HISTORY LESSON
In my campaign for the Democratic
nomination for governor, I have been ad-
vocating taxing and regulating of mari-
juana as a cash crop in order to allow
farmers to gross the hundreds of m
lions of dollars currently sent to the inter-
national crime syndicates in South
America and Mexico. In addition to the
benefit to farmers, the United States
would garner billions of dollars in new
them in the multibillion-dollar markets
of fiber and medicine.
Gatewood Galbraith
Lexington, Kentucky
Galbraith is a candidate for the Demo-
cratic nomination for governor of Ken-
tucky. The primary will be in May 1991.
VIOLENCE RE-VIEW
Ina leuer to The Playboy Forum (Au-
gust), Douglas F. Mould, Ph.D., refers to
Wichita's domestic violence policy and
implies that it benefits abused women but
not abused men. I am a veteran officer of
the police department and would like to
clarify Mould's statements.
Domestic violence is defined as any
threat, intimidation or overt act of vi
lence by one person against another with
whom he has or has had an intimate re-
lationship. The relationship can be be-
tween spouses, siblings or lovers.
The officers of the Wichita Police De-
partment have a responsibility to enforce
the law and to keep peace, which means
that we must sometimes intervene in the
violence that affects so many families.
Contrary to Mould's belief, many females
have spent a night in the county jail as
the result of an officer's intervening in a
domestic fight.
William A. Riddle
Patrol East Bureau
Wichita Police Department
Wichita, Kansas
ROCK LABELING
In “The Great Rock Labeling War”
(The Playboy Forum, August), you report
on Jean Dixon, the Missouri state repre-
sentative, who introduced legislation
“making labeling mandatory for records
that contain ‘unsuitable’ lyrics.” A point
of interest is that Dixon admitted during
a radio interview that neither she nor her
children listen to rock music. When
queried about several songs and groups,
she said that she knew nothing about
them. She was able to quote rap lyrics on-
ly because she read them from a lyric
sheet—and she probably got that from the
Parents’ Music Resource Center.
Jean Dixon doesnt speak for all Mis-
sourians.
Anthony Capuano, Jr.
Overland, Missouri
‘CENSORSHIP
Apparently, the definition of censor-
ship is to make a mountain out of a mole-
hill. Donald J. Kainrad makes me proud
to be an atheist (The Playboy Forum, Sep-
tember).
Steve Lederman
Princeton, New Jersey
In the spring of 1989, a vocal minority
in the Farmington, New Mexico, area
resurrected a 1976 city ordinance regu-
lating dissemination of pornography.
They pressured the city council into ex-
panding the law to include video tapes.
The city government asked arca resi-
dents to rent or buy tapes they found ob-
jectionable and then file a complaint with
the city The cases were brought before
Judge Johnnie Byrd, who is strongly an-
üpornography Not surprisingly, there
were a number of convictions.
Т have conversed with the leaders of
the antipornography movement and it is
clear that their goal is not just to control
hard-core pornography but to ban all
materials and activities that they consider
indecent.
John Duelge, M.D.
Farmington, New Mexico
BIBLE BATTLE
I am a churchgoing Methodist, but it
irks me when I find a Bible in a hotel
“Enough searching
for intelligent
life in space.
Let’s find some
on this planet.”
room (The Playboy Forum, September). 1
resent paying for my lodging and then
getting a dose of religion. 1 recommend
doing one of the following: Throw the
book out the door, throw it into the
wastebasket or throw it at the manager.
Walt Windsor
Baltimore, Maryland
WE WILL
Regarding Playboy and others suit
against the American Family Association
chapter in Florida: Go for it!
Dan McGraw
Rochester, New York
GOOD LUCK
You know the joke about "military i
telligence" being a contradiction in
terms? Here's proof that it is: Six U.S sol-
diers deserted their Army Intelligence
duties in Germany and headed for a cer-
tain beach in Florida to meet an alien
spacecraft heralding the Rapture, which
supposedly precedes the Second Coming
of Christ. Enough searching for intelli-
gent life in space. Lets find some on
this planet.
T. Martin
Miami, Florida
YOUNG ENTREPRENEURS
Historian Daniel Bell called crime the
“queer ladder of social mobility” because
it gives the uneducated and the impover-
ished the means of escaping the slum. He
was referring to crimes such as bootleg-
ging that afforded some of the brighter
street-gang members a route to promi-
nence and prosperity during Prohibition.
However, the phrase can easily apply to-
day. A Washington, D.C., study found
thata large number of drug pushers hold
regular jobs and deal drugs to supple-
ment their legitimate income. Although
about three quarters of the 24,000 deal-
ers use drugs themselves and sell them
partly to support their own habits, maybe
the rest will build up job skills from their
work experience and savings accounts
from the drug profits, invest wisely and
end up prominent and prosperous—not
unlike Joseph P Kennedy did during
Prohibition.
R. Field
Chicago, Illinois
CHILD PORN
A former North Carolina County dis-
trict attorney was convicted of receiving
child pornography through the mail. He
had ordered video tapes through an ad
in AGB Video magazine. Unbeknown to
the man, postal inspector Perry LePere
had placed the ad as bait in a postal sting.
Ever since reading “The Child-Pornog-
raphy Myth” (The Playboy Forum, Sep-
tember 1988), I've been alert to the
number of times the Postal Service sets
up people to entice them to order videos
that are, in many cases, ambiguously de-
scribed; there is plenty of room for the
defendant to believe that he is ordering
legal tapes. It is outrageous that not only
is the Postal Service spending money and
time to entrap people, it is also virtually
the only peddler of child pornography
in this country.
(Name and address
withheld by request)
CRACK BABIES
According to the Bureau of Labor
Statistics, Americans pay child-care
workers $183 per week and parking-lot
attendants $240 per week. Obviously, we
51
FREEDOM
(continued)
The United States Supreme Court, in
the 1986 Bowers us. Hardwick case, had
declared that consensual sodomy in-
volving homosexuals isa crime.
However, Judge John Murphy ruled
that the state constitution “embodies a
proi that a certain private sphere of
individual liberty will be kept largely
beyond the reach of government.
This is not a case involving sexual
activity with children or persons
who are coerced."
Until this decision, conviction on
a first offense of the sodomy and
gross-indecency laws in Michigan
could result in, respectively, up to
15 years and five years in prison.
Justice Brennan, in urging more
action by state courts based on
state constitutions, makes a point
of warning state judges and
lawyers that if they're not careful,
state constitutional rulings can be
overturned by the Supreme Court.
In decisions reached by state
judges, it must always be made
clear that the ruling is based en-
tirely on state constitutional law.
It's wise to leave out any reference
to Federal law or the Federal Con-
stitution,
Chief Justice William Rehn-
quist, in particular, has a sharp eye
for state decisions that make the
Supreme Court look miserly; and
if he finds references to Federal
law intertwined with references to
te constitutional law in a deci-
sion, he may try to persuade a ma-
jority of his colleagues to first
review and then reverse many of.
those decisions affirming rights.
if they come up for review (that is,
if a state prosecutor. angered at a
liberal expansion of the Fourth
Amendment by a state court, asks
the High Court to review it).
However, as William Brennan
says, "If a state court plainly states
that its judgment rests on its analy-
sis of state law, the United States
Supreme Court will honor that
statement and will not review the
state-court decision."
Thomas Jefferson would have
agreed with Brennan on the need
to safeguard individual liberties by
not leaving their care to a single
body. In an 1816 letter, Jefferson
wrote: "No, my friend, the way
to have a good and safe govern-
ment is not to trust it all to one, but
to divide it among the many. . . .
What has destroyed liberty and
the rights of man in every government
which has ever existed under the sun?
The generalizing and concentrating
[of] all cares and powers into one body”
Now, with the prospect of a Bush
Supreme Court extending its bleak
influence well into the 21st Century, it
will be the state courts and consti
tions that preserve at least some of the
ge of Jefferson, James Madison,
William O. Douglas,
Earl Warren and William Brennan.
IO L:
‘Ode to
CENSORSHIP
By =
ÉL Jerome Stern STENENE
Please, oh, please, oh, censor me,
Please, someone, outlaw my poetry.
I tried lyricism and profundity,
But I got ignored complete-elly.
Ineed а Senotor, | need a judge,
ll take a governor. 1 don't need much.
I just need someone to make me famous
By arresting me and calling me nomous.
I need o minister to write a big sermon
Saying I'm Satan, worse than vermin.
Inced politicians to make their spec‘
Saying I'll corrupt their Georgia peaches,
To claim I'm a threat to civilizotion
A malignant blemish on our fair nation.
Teli the world, oh, tell it, please,
That my kind of art'll bring the notion to
its knees.
Hospitals will close, children will wail,
Bridges will collapse, banks will fail.
Sodom, Gomorrah and even worse,
That's what'll happen if you read my verse.
Oh, please, oh, media, attack my squ
The righteous love outrage, ond they like
to holler,
He's awful, he's sinful, his mind's in the
gutter,
Slice him to pieces, fry him in butter.
Churches'll get filled, candidotes get votes,
Artists can make statements, critics give
quotes,
Records'll sell more, art prices rise,
The courts will be busy, the lawyers thrive.
Censorship's good for all concerned, ~
ts only a few who really get burned.
So please, oh, someone, censor my rhyme
And we both con be on the cover of Time.
тет ا چا
Jerome Stern is a professor of English at
Florida Stote University in Tallahassee. This
originally aired as a monolog on National
Public Radio's “All Things Considered.”
READER RESPONSE
(continued)
consider cars more important than
children. Ivs no surprise, then, that we
are willing to jail mothers who have
taken crack (The Playboy Forum, May)
rather than give them proper prenatal
care and drug treatment. We dont real-
ly care about the health of the baby, we
care about the punishment of a drug
taker. Lets get our priorities
straight.
E Gilbert
San Francisco, California
OUTING
At what point is a gay individ-
ual's right of privacy superceded
by long-term social and political
objectives that will benefit the
gay community as a whole? This
is the question raised by the prac-
tice of "outing"—revealing some-
ones homosexuality against his
wishes. I can see reason and justice
in outing public figures such as the
late Roy Cohn, who hypocritically
allied himself with politicians who
condemned and persecuted homo-
Sexi But | have friends who
privately acknowledge their homo-
sexuality without practicing it and
without considering themselves
part of any homosexual “commu-
nity” In fact, one, a conscientious,
practicing Catholic, forgoes homo-
sexual activity for the same reli-
gious reasons that his Catholic
heterosexual counterpart would
(or should) forgo intercourse out-
side marriage. Here the question is
whether a person should be forced
ош of a larger community that is
heterosexual but does not make
sex a qualification for member-
ship. If I were a member of a
heterosexual minority in a pre-
dominantly homosexual culture, I
would certainly resent being la-
beled and treated as an outsider
when I would consider my sexual
n to be nobody else's
(Name and address
withheld by request)
WAR ON DRUGS
Sixteen years of harassment, ar-
rests and the crosion of civil rights
have not solved the so-called drug
problem. In those years, we've seen
constitutio rights stomped to
dust. Maybe it's time to stop.
Dana A. Netz
Jemez Springs, New Mexico
CANADA DAM ТЕТ S. BESS
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Reporter’s Notebook
COMING OUT RIGHT
conservative homosexuals find themselves in a double bind: other gays
reluctantly embrace them, bul their right-wing allies wish they'd just go away
Marvin Liebman is worried, and when
he's worried, you should be.
Who is Marvin Liebman? He is one of
the major architects of the conservati
revolution that has dominated the
American agenda for the past decade
Liebman, 67, helped found the Ameri-
can Conservative Union back in the Six-
s and pushed Ronald Reagan for
President as early as the 1968 Miami
convention. He was the toughest of Cold
Warriors, fighting to save China, Katan-
ga and Vietnam from the Communist
enemy. But now that the Cold War is
over and conservative wrath has
switched from Red baiting to gay bi
ing, he has a problem, He is the enemy
Liebman, who had been one of a consid-
erable number of Washington-based
dosergay conservatives, decided то
come out” because of his horror over
the runaway bigotry in conservative
As he recently told readers of the Na-
tional Review, the conservative bible, “1
worry that the right wing, having won
the Cold War and, for all intents and
purposes, the batile over economic pol
cy will return to the fever swamps. Í sce
evidence of this. It disturbs me greatly.”
He sounded this alarm in an open letter
to “my best friend" of almost ?
5 years,
Buckley, Jr,
all the time I labored in
ive vineyard, 1 was gay.”
gest shocker, perhaps, but
remember, this guy cofounded, with
Buckley, the Young Americans for Er
dom, whose current chant, according to
Liebman, is “No rights for sodomites.
As to why he
ment to go pub t part of my
life that had been so private for all these
years,” Licbman wrote to Buckley that it
was "because I fear that our cause might
sink back into the ooze in which so much
of it rested in pre-N.R. days. In that
dark age. the American right was heavi-
ly, perhaps dominantly, made up of
bigots: anti-Semites, anti-Catholies, the
K.K.K., rednecks, Know-Nothi
sorry lot of public hucksters
s medicine men.”
canse to be concerned
Gay bashing, long an American blood
sport, has now become the mainstay of
Not the
opinion By ROBERT SCHEER
right wing. fund ra
generated hysteria, The bullying appro-
priation of у values,” while о
focusing on women’s rights to abor
and other manifestations of sex outside
of procreation, is never quite satiated
until a homosexual connection is estab-
lished, Witness Senator Jesse Helms's
obsession with the
Robert Mapplethorpe, which led to the
exclusion of homoerotic art from NEA
grants.
Homophobia has clearly emenged as
the last refuge of American scoundrels
And wha is involved here is nothing less
than a fundamental split in conservative
ideology that was papered over during
the Cold War years but can no longer be
concealed. There are wo kinds of con-
servatives and they cannot sleep com-
fortably in the same bed.
Some conservatives аге liberi ns
who simply want to cut back on Govern-
mental intrusion into our economic and
social lives, Theoretically, they should be
strong supporters of civil liberties, in-
cluding those of gays. As Liebman puts
it, “The conservative view, based as it is
on the inherent rights of the individual
over the state, is the logical political
home of gay men and women.”
But the other kind of conservative de-
sires precisely the opposite. In the name
of “traditional values,” this group seeks
a great deal of Government intrusion in-
to private lives and would trample on
the nally ed sep
tion of church and s well as on
freedom of specch. Freedom is to be
permitted in the arts and in the market
place only as long as minority taste does
not offend the sacred mores of the ma
jority. As Buckley put it, i sponse
to Liebman, “But you, too, must realize
what are the implications of what you
ask. Namely, that the Judaeo Christian
tradition, which is allied with, no less,
. become indifferent to an-
other way of life.”
Buckley is being slippery here, for the
issue is not that of homosexuality, or
pro-choice birth control or the right of
artists to tender their own moral values.
Let Buckley believe as fervently as he
might in his and his Church's notion of
heaven and hell and let him espouse
such notions vigorously; they should,
ing and publicly
photographs of
however, not be backed by Govern
power
It was one thing for Buckley to call
Gore Vidal a "queer" on national tele:
sion, as he did once when he found him-
self on the losing side of a debate. Vidal
had called Buckley a Nazi and Buckley
responded with the epithet, implying
that one who practices homosexuality is
on a moral plane with the murderers of
tens of millions. No matter: Buckley's
bigotry should be constitutionally pro-
tected as long as it is an idea and doesn't
have the power of a mob or the law
backing it up. But to call, as Buckley did
subsequently, for all HIV-positive males
to have their status tattooed on their
buttocks—a suggestion for public poli-
cy—is to cross the line from individual
bigotry into, yes, statist fascism.
Buckley must decide, as a point of log-
ic that he so ardently espouses, whether
he is in the camp of the libertarians or of
the Helmses. The attempt to find a mid-
dle ground involves one inescapably in
hopeless contradiction. For libertar-
jan conservatives—and as a matter of
self-preservation, that category should
include the large number of gay
conservatives in the higher reaches of
Washington power—the continued ac
commodation of the traditionalists is a
death knell. They will rdate
their own demise.
Recall the sad case of former Con-
gressman Robert E. Bauman, who pre-
ceded Liebman out of the closet. With
Liebman, he founded the American
Conservative Union and at the time the
FBI charged him with soliciting for sex
in a gay bar was its national chairman.
Congressman Bauman had survived
as a conservative leader by endorsing
without embarrassment all kinds ol gay.
bashing positions while he remained in
the closet. He began public service as a
Maryland legislator who picked up
sailors on the qu but nonetheless
worked to kill legislation preventing dis-
crimination against homosexuals in
housing. In 1977, Bauma
tinuing a 17-year pai
his wife in random homosexual encoun-
ters, cosponsored the Family Protection
Act. He would later admi that he had
not bothered to read the fine print on
this radical (concluded on page 192)
accom
n, while con-
ern of cheatin:
on
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m SAY LENO
a candid conversation with america's hardest-working comic about
tough audience:
, andrew dice clay and who's going to follow johnny
“the
hottest stand-up comedian in America" once
described himself in a high school classmates
yearbook as a “future retired millionaire.” Jay
Leno was half right about his prospects. Al the
age of 40, the “Bruce Springsteen of comedy”
is earning upwasds—and some would suggest
far upward—of 53,000,000 a yeas. What he
was wrong abont was the retirement.
Leno may newer retire. In a world secnm,
ly obsessed with the pursuit of leisure time, he
shies [rom il as if il were death itself. He tite
ally loves to wark. During the next year, he
will sit in for Johnny Carson as guest host of
“The Tonight Show" on roughly 77 nights.
He will perform at Harrah's in Lake Tahoe,
at The Sands т Atlantic City and at Caesars
Palace in Las Vegas, He will hopscotch across
the conntry from state fairs lo college concerts
to conventions to clubs for more than 240
nightly stands. Somehow. he will squeeze in
the filming of a commercial or ta an behalf
of Doritos corn chips. And, just to insure
against the odd empty evening, there ave fre
quent visits to The Comedy & Magic Club in
Hermosa Beach, California, where Leno laps
aff his set hy testing jokes for his “Tonight
Show” monologs.
The man Time magazine has calle
Ws the ideal situation, Lena lives to enter-
tain and audiences can't get enough. Like an
“Comedy is like lifting weights: If you don't do
il every day, everything begins to atrophy and
you sind np a bie fat pug. 1 can Мау home
and watch Jake and the Fatman, or 1 can
make twenty-five thousand dollars”
Everyman turned cantankerous by the insani-
ty of contemporary life, he тарх out an almost
poetically humorous repart on his generation's
life and times. His “Tonight Shaw" openers
are peppered with wisecracks so memorable
that he is rapidly becoming the most widely
quoted comic since Will Rogers.
“Sa this is National Condom Week," he ob-
served. “Boy, there's a parade you don't want
to miss.” Or; “Well, Nancy Reagan just won a
humanitarian award. Em so glad she beat out
that scheming lille Mother Teresa. ver
look at the expiration date on a bag of Won-
der Bread? It says right there m tiny letters,
HEX PAL YOU SHOULD LIVE SO LONG.”
When MTV bestowed a “lifetime-achieve-
ment" trophy on Madonna, he opined, “That
should give Ella Fitzgerald and Lena Horne
something to shool for.” He once summed up
the basic difference between the sexes ах, АШ
men laugh at the Thiee Stooges and all wom-
en think they're shitheads.” And, lest we for-
gel, it was Leno who delivered one of the more
memorable quips on Quayle: "He's making: his
oum Vietnam movie, "Full Dinner Jacket.
He cuts claser lo his own sensibilities in his
discussion of European cuisine. “I hate it.
They nse all the parts of the animal we throw
away. They're saving the lungs and pancreas
to make some kind of colon tartare, Ги hope
“(Sam Kunson] puts his material together the
way а comedian does. There's a joke there.
People way go, “That's awful. But, you know,
i is funy.” With Andrew Dice Clay, 1 cant
find the joke. 1 can't find the yoke!”
lesly American. If it doesn't come in a Styro-
foam box with a lid on it, 1 don't enjoy it.”
The “hopelessly American” comedian, born
James Douglas Muir Leno in New Rochelle,
New York, spent most of his formative years in
the pleasant town of Andover. Massachusetts,
where his father Angelo, was an insurance
executive. Jay, or “Jamie,” as his Scots-horn
mother, Catherine, still calls him, was the sec-
оп of two sons, an outgoing boy who liked to
make people laugh. But his family life, and
the town, were entirely loo conventional for
him to have dreamed he'd grow up to be a
stand-up comic.
Still, from classmates lo teachers, he always
left them laughing. And while earning а de-
gree in communications at Emerson College
in Boston. he decided to moonlight as a
monologist. A cycle and car buff since child-
hood. he'd managed to talk himself into an
ideal day job, ckaning and prepping luxury
cars at a local. Rolls-Royce/Mercedes dealer-
ship. He filled his nights with his other avoca-
tion, comedy
H wasn't easy. He worked strip joinis, jazz
clubs, carnival midways and even retirement
homes. He was heckled. cursed aud punched.
Sometimes, he was paid; other times, he lost
money on the deal. Oddly enough, he thrived
and began to realize that a stand-up life was
PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIO MECEY
“I taught Arsenio la ride а moloyeycle. We
used lo hang out every might. We were both
sort of misfits at that point. There were only
сенат opportunities available to a black co-
median. 1 was sort of—whal am 1, Haban?”
57
PLAYBOY
58
precisely what he wanted, To that end. he
started commuting to New York, where he
spent hours auditioning for the chance to ap-
pear without pay at comedy clubs.
At 25, after watching a singularly unim-
pressive young comic guest оп Ihe Los
Angeles-based "Tonight Show,” he decided to
go West. He flew to Southern California,
varying a few dollars, а small suitcase and
an act forged by hard-earned experience.
Humor enclaves such as The Comedy Store
and the LA. branch of The Improv were
starting to expand into the showbiz main-
stream, and Leno, а ‚berforme
among fresh-ont-of-college comedy hapefuls,
гама his way into the prime slots on their
schedules. But while contemporaries such as
Jimmie Walker and Freddie Prinze used
stand-up to leap to Tlsitcom fame, Leno
didn't seem to fit the weekly series mold. An
1BC-TV executive. once explained to him,
“We feel your face will frighten little chil-
dren,” Another suggested that he treat his hair
lo a blond tint. МШ another gave him the
name of a doctor who might straighten his
Jaw, a process that would have rendered hin
speechless for “about а year or so."
Instead. Leno continued to tour the coun-
try—Councail Bluffs, lowa: Hanover, New
Hampshire; Utica, New York; Grand Forks,
North Dakota. He was earning the sobriquet
“the hardest-working comedian in show busi-
ness,” and flourishing in the process. As the
number of one-nighlers iucieased. so did
Lenos talk-show guest spots wih Merv
Griffin and Mike Douglas. He opened in Las
Vegas for such disparate performers as Perry
Como and Tom Jones, bul his act was so nni-
versal that it worked with any audience,
In 1977, he appeared with Johnny Carson
on “The Tonight Show,” the venue that, since
1987, when he became ils exclusive guest
hast, has brought him his widest fami
These days, Leno and has writer wife,
Maris, share a two-story, 12-room home in
Beverly Hills that has been described as half
library (her books) and hal] garage this dlas-
мс cars and motorcycles).
Recently, during one of the comedian s pro-
tracted periods as "Tonight Show™ guest host,
we dispatched journalist Dick Lochte to
МВСУ Burbank Studios to find out what
makes Leno tick. Lochte, who had met and in-
terviewed Leno in the mid-Seventies, reports:
The first day, 1 arrived to find a glistening
black Bentley Turbo R parked m the space
nearest the sound-stage door. 1 would discover.
every day thereafter, a different dieam car
resting there. A Jaguar NK-L20. Any af sew-
eral Lamborghinis. Leno isn't sure how many
ears he has, but there are probably enough to
carry him through a te pest-host tin.
If not, he can always motor in ou ane of hix
cyeles—the Harley, maybe, or oue of the Vin-
cent Black Shadows. The last time we'd
talked, he'd been driving a 1955 Bruck Road-
master that he'd also slept m [vom time to time.
“Inside the haugastike building, in a dress-
ing room that, even with a TV monitor hooked
to the wall, would qualify as Spartan, Lene
told me that he still had the Burch. Lounging
on a couch, dressed in workaday denim, he
seasoue
didn't seem to have undergone much physical
change since we'd last met 15 years earlier. At
180 pounds spread mow or less evenly aver a
six-fool frame, he is slightly stockien, perhaps.
His hair is shorter, with move than a touch of
gray. But the famous jaw is as firm as always,
housing the same infections crooked grin.
“Md he seemed to be as calm a performer
as ever Then he could break off a sentence to
hop onto the stage, do à quick set and return,
picking up the conversation where he'd ended
it. Now dies relaxation seemed la increase as
showtime approached. "Yon. have to under-
he said, Mus is the easiest thing ГИ do
мапі.
today.”
“Throughout our. several meetings, every
hour or so, the executive producer of “The
Tonight Show. Fred de Cordova, would enter
with notes for Leno to stud —information
about the show's guests, questions suggested by
the staff and ideas for various comedy bits. AL
though the two men seemed to have a mutual
respect, they would engage in a continuing
game of playful banter, much of it based on
Leno's rather wlaxed approach to his guest-
hosting chos. “These should. be interesting
even do a jaded character such as you,
De Cordova would say, handing the notes to
People don't want
lo hear some comedian
whining about how bad
life is. “Hey, you're
gelling paid a lol of
dough! Shut up, please!”
Leno, who would reply. with mock earnest-
ness, TH give then my immediate attention.”
“De Cordova seemed amused that [ay was
going lo be the subject of a Playboy Inter-
vies." "Do you know thal Lonce directed Hugh
Hefner in an episode of "Burke's Law"?
mentioned. But as the days
perplexed. “Still here, eh? What are we €
ing today?”
eno replied quickly, seas discussing the
finest producer in the history of television.
“De Cordova chuckled. "This might be in-
teresting after all.
“On the last day, he asked, “My God! Are
you still here? This interview should be long
mongh to fill an entire issue of Playboy."
“He may eventually gel a book ош of ite 1
told him.
‘he producer, who not long ago published
his autobiography, ‘Johnny Came Lately.
raised an eyebrow and asked. A book
“Yeah, we're calling it "Johnny, We Hard-
dy Knew de, Leno said. “What was the name
of yous?”
“De Cordova smiled,
guod-naturedly,
Jays проме was immediate. T
“Fuck you! hr said
didu't ask
what it should haw been called.”
“The producer paused. Then, in spite of
himself, he laughed. He'd been in show busi-
ness long enough to realize thal you сан? ex-
реа to ontheckle a сопіс who spends upwards
af 240 nights a year on the топа,
PLAYBOY: Ye ich, youre successful.
Why do vou keep working so hard?
LENO: Well, vou take one dav oll and
you're thinking. Boy this is y Then
you take two days off, and then three, To
me. comedy is like weights: Once
you start. if vou don’t doit every day, ev-
ervthing begins te atrophy and vou
wind up a big fat pig. And it's not exact
ly unr g work, You say to your-
sell. 71 can stay home and watch Jake and
the Fatman make twenty
thousand d
PLAYBOY: llow
road e,
"
каган
or l ca ive
any days are vou on the
h month
LENO: Twenty, twenty-two. Pin in every
Tuesday, when I do The Tonight Show. A
lor of es, ТИ go ош and come back
the same day.
PLAYBOY: How can you stay happily mar-
ried when you're constantly awa
LENO: It’s no different than if vou
salesman or in the Service. A
friend of пе. who's nor married any-
more, used to complain that his wile
didni understand his getting drunk and
getting laid when he was on the road. 1
told him. “Gee, she's so demanding. Be-
sides the fact that she could die hom
whatever disea:
the road
wile from the
* vou pick up." I go on
nd 1 come home. I call my
port before | leave and
we talk that night belore we go to bed.
And if Fm heading anyplace the least bit
interesting, she goes with m
PLAYBOY: Wouldnt you
more normal schedule
LENO: First. I love the work. I just show
up and tell my jokes. Irs very relaxing,
Second, when Um traveling, 1 get the
chance to read. A week on the road and
ather have a
Газ up to date on every world event. m
home for a week and suddenly irs,
happened in Lithuania? When
Third. whats
and mumbling. “Geez, il the boss doesnt
like repo ease have any of
those problems. great peace of
»wn boss.
" the job.
nes it gets kind of strange bei
oad, but people don't w
"Hey, vow re at the Marriott?
paid a lot of dough! Shut
You're
up, please
PLAYBOY: Was bein
vour own boss onc
LENO: Nor consciously. | was never
porate kind of person, But 1 was
counterculture type. either, L find it
1 my fiends who once were blow
of America are worki
PLAYBOY
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there now. And I have all the freedom
that they thought they were gonna get. 1
come and go as | please. I don't take jobs
that I don't want. I have friends who
work for a chemical company and irs, “I
didn't poison those kids in Africa. Um
justin sales." They wake up with chills. I
don't have any of that. The worst that
happens in my line of work is you dort
augh. You don't get cancer of the
n ten years.
PLAYBOY: What made you think you
could earn a living this way
LENO: | didn't think I could. I just liked
was great starting out, 1
worked at a Rolls-Royce dealership in
Boston and I used to bank the money 1
made there and spend my comedy mon-
ey, which was, like, frez. lly, one
ed to overtake the other TI
figured 1 would more or less ride this
y train until it crashed. Today, I live
money I make at comedy clubs
ything else goes in the bank
PLAYBOY: Literally in the b
stocks, no bonds, no income
n the bank. | don't want to invest
k bonds or be a landlord. My
htmare is that 1 buy rental property
and suddenly, the morning paper ar-
rives with the headline “every woman
EVICTED FROM BULDING.” T] 5
moth
cles. I can afford to buy my dad а Lin-
coln Continental for Father's Day. But
still tively simple life.
Beverly Hills?
LENO: You make it simple. Shortly after
we moved in, we went next door to drop
olla bottle of champagne and introduce
ourselves to our neighbor
The d tells us. “Mr and Mrs.
So aren't in right now.” So I hand her
the champagne and she asks, “Are you
keeping a full stall or a Г stall?” 1
didn’t know what she m My wile
ids, butlers
don't know.
“re gonna have a staff.
Iways have such good
luck with т
LENO: Alwi so stupid when we
moved into our first house, Back East,
people would show up at your house. So
I went out and bought a cake. And we
walked over
мете you
The g
‚ We've got
you.” I must have looked like
guys closing
ms like he doesn't
on. l'm thinking 1
gota robe
What could be
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sipping that macho drink...
уои think you're so superior”
“Be nice.”
Aghten up with the
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mported from Colombia.
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and obvioush bigger than I am?"
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you can beg to get it back.
HUN FI. VODKA
ngary by Kajar Imports, Lid.
white and there are thousand-watt klieg
rolled
lights and two women on the floc
guess you're just moving in, too?”
Who is this guy
man in bikini briefs
in the robe says,
the two girls go,
Then 1 see another
witha
Uh, great.” Out-
side, after he shut the door, you could
I Some jerk who
"Think he knew what
7 “Naw, he looked too
bought a hou
was going or
stupid."
PLAYBOY: OK, so you have weird n
bors and no maids or butlers. What
about life on the Do you travel
with an entourage, like Eddie Murphy?
LENO: No entourage. I c
р I don't like E
[Affected voice] "Would you get
please, like a good
PLAYBOY: No little luxuries—expensive
meals at fancy restaurants, for instance
LENO: 1 usually pick ts not for
the food but because I can keep an eye
on my car and make sure the valet stays
away from it. But not long ago, in At-
lantic City, my wife
ever go out?” So we wind up at tl
in one of the hotels. Its a fancy
place, but it's staffed by guys from Je
sey, you know, “Bone-joor, Meester Leenos."
So Um sitting there and about six feet
away isa guy doing a thing with a flanbe
He looks at me and he yells, “Hey!
You're da fuckin’ guy, right?” Now ev-
erybody turns. Thats what I like. Fm ın
an expensive French restaurant with my
wile. It's two hu red bucks for this
Hey! You're
“ve got the
slicked down, oves, but sudde:
ly, Гап in the middle of My Fair Lady.
PLAYBOY: Maybe you're “da fuckin’ guy”
in New Jersey, but Vanity Fair calls you
“the Mr. Clean of contemporary come-
dy.” Whats wrong with blue humor?
LENO: Гуе never been offended when
arlin or [Richard] Pryor uses
a ^ word. It's not that. But I was
watching some comic on one of the cable
shows and he said something like, “If
you're ош with u rl and the date’s
not going well, just reach over and rip
her left üt off." That was the punch lir
Where's the joke? Let's beat up а wom-
? These days. you сап make jokes
about our role in Central America, for-
cign policy, how we treat blacks and
Indians and the CIA, and you're consi
cred a plain old mainstream comedian.
But if you go out and say “Women are
bitches” and “Lets Kill gay people,
you're considered controversial, on the
edge. I don't hear those comics really
being on the edge about anything. All
they're doing is saying something to a
group of people who agree with them.
It's just baiting a crowd.
PLAYBOY: Yi alking about Andrew
Dice €
LENO:
iet Andrew a few times. I
don’t know whether he's a good guy or a
bad guy, but 1 don't buy his defense that
he's just playing a characte about
[former Ku Klux Klan leader turned
state legislator] Dav id Duke? Was he just
s another person
ize black people were get-
1 don't buy it. This is the
lives now, isn't it? Mayor
didn't do coke, his sich
ybody has an excuse.
But either you're responsible for your
tions or you're not
lay seems to be softening his
the way you become legiti
3 ng drugs and
then, when you get enough money, you
buy an honest bu:
ness and eventually
people say, “He's OK: he did that other
stuff years ago.” Or you get famous by
making fun of women or blacks or
s. You just pound on them, Then
you say, “I've made my money. I'm co
fortable. I'm not doing that anymore.
ison seems to pound
lay. Do you find
him offensive, too?
LENO: Whether you Sam Kinison or
not, he puts his material together the
a comedian does. There's a joke
. 1 thi
ch Sam
ther
w
ful.
n
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PLAYBOY
comedian. Irs like you're a doctor and
you see another doctor who's screwing
off and killing patients. “Do something
else, will ya? Become an actor.”
PLAYBOY: What about good old-fash-
ioned sex jokes?
LENO: There's nothing wr with a se
joke, as long as it’s about sex—and it's
fu I'm not starting Comedians for
Deceney or anything like that
PLAYBOY: Do you ever use blue material?
LENO: I used to work a little looser than 1
. But I believe in my thirt ne-
When you're a twent
five-year-old guy and you're weari
leather pants and a silk shirt and you
p there doing comedy and you're talk
ing about having sex, girls in the audi
ence giggle. They go, “Í can't believe he
1 that." Then, you hit about thirty-
nine and a half, and you're balding and
you've got a paunch. The silk shirt with
the big collar from ten years ago is kind
of silly-looking and the pants have a lit-
ile too much flare. If you're doing the
same act with the sex jokes, those same
“Ooh, that old guy, he’s
do no
and-a-hal rule.
girls are going,
50 gross Talking al about sex. He's proba-
bly never had sex.
1 like an act you can grow into. T
older I get, the more appropriate my
aterial seems to be. I find it more in-
teresting and more challenging to try to
write something that’s clean and funny
and appeals to everybod
PLAYBOY: Do celebrities complain about
being picked on
LENO: I ran into Roseanne Barr one day
‘ov and she said, “Why ya al-
ways makin’ fun o me for? You're always
callin’ me fat on the show.” And 1 told
HBO special, she said
“We fat people have to stick
together.” She said, “Well, Um married
w.” So I told her I wouldn't do any
more of those jokes. And I haven't. I like
Roseanne.
А similar thing happened when I wa
on The Barbara Walters Special. Ther
showed a Tonight Show clip, a bit called
“Pin the Tail on the Oprah.” There are a
buneh of pictur she
things like,
loses weight, the game gets harder to
The
play because her ass gets smaller.
original sketch included the
Home Game,” with a six-foot cutout of
Geraldo that you wy to hit in the face
with chair, and a “Phil Donahue
‘Transvestite Game” that had to do with
wearing dresses. All the Walters show
picked up was the Oprah section. I was
told she saw it and was very upset. I
d to call her and apologize, but 1
couldn't get through. It wasn't meant to
single her out. I was trying to insult all
the talk-show hosts equally. 1 thought it
was fairly good-natured.
PLAYBOY: What rules do you pla
when you're kidding with the audier
LENO: If a guy is a doctor or a lawyer, 1
knock him down a few pegs. If he's a
I tell him, “Here's somebody
who works for a living, We can see the
fruits of your labor, whereas with this
lawyer...” W the guy is fat, you pick on
his tie. If he's bald, you make fun of his
shoes. Hf the girl's got big boobs, you
make fun of her husband
PLAYBOY: You do a lot of gags about
drunken pilots, Yugos, oil spills. Any
other pet topics?
LENO: I usually just go with what's in the
paper. But you don't want to get
of the audience. A while joke
bout John Poindex „"Record-
ing star James Brown served only six
months of hi sentence, and
now I understand John Poindexter is
taking singing and dancing lessons.
And T looked in their eyes and it was I
ng into the eyes of a chicken. They
who
didn't know Poindexter was or
what 1 was talking about. Maybe they
didn't know who James Brown was. You
have to find subjects that people know
and also subjects where the good guys
ıd the bad guys are evident. Drunken
pilots are ideal. You won't hear from
Mothers for Misunderstood Drunken
Pilots. Or the Friends of the Oil Spill
bu can talk about the Yugo be
cheap. Thar’s its whole claim to fame.
McDonald's is a good subject. It’s some-
thing that everyone knows. They always
get mad, but I never denigrate the food
The jokes are usually about inexperi
enced kids at work there or the fact that
the company i to buy the world
or something. And finally, if all else fails,
you do a condom joke.
Do you write the monolog?
I usually start fooling with the
jokes and putting them together. I try to
have fifty by midnight. Then a bunch of
guys get together at my house. Jimmy
. Ron Richards. Jim Edwards
s Jerry Seinfeld. Any com
around might stop by. We eat hamburg-
ers or chicken or something, sit till five
or five-fifieen and just keep narrowing
the jokes down to about twenty-six.
The monolog generally runs seven or
eight minutes. I like to compare ii to the
way you go through a newspaper. You
open with the big joke of the day, the big
story. and then you work your way
through, ending with jokes about ent
tainment or com;
Show writers?
LENO: They're Johnny's. If 1 were a writ
er on the show, I wouldn't want to be in
the position of writing for Jay on Tues-
day and for Johnny on Wednesday. Who
would get which joke? Plus, | like bring-
g my own thing into it.
PLAYBOY: Does it bother you that the
monolog material is so dated you can't
use it again?
some people probably get their news
from the Tonight Show monolog.
PLAYBOY: You seem to enjoy being the
show's temporary host. Would you want
But nobody's said any-
ng to me about that. Um signed to be
the substitute host for the next (wo
years. with an option. That's about it
PLAYBOY: Your pal David Letterman
keeps telling interviewers that he'd like
the Carson steps down, Has
this put a strain on your friendship:
LENO: I don't think so. I hope not. I wa
how whe
watching the Tyson-Tillman fight the
other nighe and Tyson said, ^| love
Henry Tillman; he’s a good friend of
mine. We went out, we had dinner, we
do this. Fm sorry I knocked him out,
but that’s the fight
myself the Tyson in this situation, but
the attitude is the same. Whatever hap-
pens happens. If Dave were to get the
job, 1 wouldn't stop talking to hi
PLAYBOY: Sull, you haven't been on Lel-
terman lately,
LENO: No. Only because I'm here every
week. I just dom get to New York. And
Letterman takes a different sort of prepa
ration than The Tonight Show. When I do
the monolog, | have to make the audi-
ence laugh. When I sit down, I've got to
make Dave laugh. Instead of joke, joke,
joke, 1 tell Dave stories. Its fu
he will not carr! j
you see th
say, “No,
I don't consider
g last might
1 didn't.” Hell deny every-
thing. “Dave, have you ever eaten at this
place?” “No, Eve never been to McDon-
ald's and Гуе never heard of it.” Which
makes everything funnier, Still. you have
10 prepare for it, put the stories togeth-
er, get them to work. I don't want to be
the kind of comic who sits down and
talks about his trip to Ri and how
the people there are just like us, and if
we all learn to live together, the world
will be a beuer place. You want to have
something really funny to say
PLAYBOY: So you wouldn't be disappoint-
ed if Letterman got The Tonight Sha
LENO: People probably aren't going to
believe me if I say that it wouldn't be
problem. But 1 approach this as а bus
ness. | go on the road
money; thats the principal. The Tonight
Show is all interest. I've got enough mon-
ey in the bank so that I don’t have to
y about this sort of thing, | do TV
ke it, but sometimes it gets
too complicated. Once a network that
wanted to put me under contract told
me, “OF course, you can't ride
cles." 1 explained, “1 always ride my mo-
torcycles. I work them. This is what 1
do.” gn the contract. E lost
g that was all
al I could always go to Des
nd try to make it up there.
PLAYBOY: What if another. network of
fered you your own talk show?
wor
because I
motorcy-
TACKLES TV
DURING
BIG GAME,
MISSES 4TH
QUARTER.
You know how it is. You're sitting there watching the game and you
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REAK THE MOLD
LENO: They have! But 1 wouldn't do that. “Whatever you
want,” they say. “Ten times the dough,” Not interested.
PLAYBOY: Why not?
LENO: I've been very fortunate, I stepped into this job with no
hype. I felt sorry for Pat Sajak. He's a nice guy and generally
funny, but I remember that first week of publicity last
чагу. “It’s the funniest hour and a half... * "Its ninety min-
utes of rollicking fun. . . .” And then you're thrown
Johnny Carson, who's been doing it for twenty-eight ye:
and you get slaughtered
You don't see any ads in the paper when I host, I just come
in and I do it. Audiences make their own decision. They still
treat me like the underdog. “Hey, you're doing a good job
and you're gonna make it.” 1 like that
PLAYBOY: Arsenio Hall seems to have lived up to his hype. Any
thoughts on the competition?
LENO: | genuinely like Arsenio. He and I started together. 1
taught him to ride a motorcycle. We used to hang out every
night. We were both sort of misfits at that point. There were
only certain opportunities available to a black comedian back
then, And I was not bad-looking enough to be bad-looking,
nor good-looking enough to be good-looking. 1 was sort of
what am I, Italian? Something there in the middle? Anyway,
we'd write bits together and come up with things. And he is a
funny guy, I'm very happy he’s done so well. People think of
us as being in competition. I suppose, to a certain extent, we
are, but the shows are so different. He doesn't do a lot of po-
litical things, and 1 don't get in there and mix it up with the
band.
PLAYBOY: Would you consider guesting on his show
LENO: My NBC contract wouldn't let me, but it would be too
weird, anyway. People would wonder, "What's this all about?”
1 don't think it would work. I wouldn't go on Nightline, either
PLAYBOY: Do you think your comedy has changed much over
the years?
LENO: The big change took place about 1976 or 1977. A
bunch of us used to hang our at a deli. There'd be me and oc-
casionally Letterman, Johnny Dark, Tom Dreeson, Elayne
Boosler, Richard Lewis, Everybody would tell stories—about
working a read gig, hotel problems, whatever. We all had
these stories. Funny stories. l'd leave there and go on stage
and do my act, which consisted of a lot of unrelated jokes.
Then, one night at The Improv, I suddenly decided to tell a
story that I'd just told at the deli about staying at an old old-
men's hotel in Cincinnati. "I woke up in the middle of the
night and somebody was peeing on my door. I , ‘Hey,
what are you doing? Don't pee on my door! The guy said.
"But | always pee on this door! I looked down and the door
was all rotted. So he was right: lt was his door." People
laughed and I thought, Gee, this is much better than telling
jokes.
PLAYBOY: What kind of jokes had you been telling?
LENO: Like: “I went to the 7-Eleven. I bought a Celeste pizza.
Т don't know how long it had been sitting there, but in the
picture on the box, Mama Celeste was eighteen.” Rat-a-tat-tat
Jokety-jokes. But no stories. Nothing that anybody might
think of as "a Jay Leno story." So I got pretty excited abo
this and I started thinking of stories that I could tell. And
's where all my material about my parents and growing
me from
+ You talk about your parents a lot in your act. What
kind of family lile did vou have?
LENO: Fairly typical, I guess. 1 had a real nice childhood. I
never saw my parents fight or argue. A lot of comics talk
about drunken parents, the father hiting the mother. Mine
were nothing like that. They were older than my friends par-
ents; my mom was forty when I was born. That's probably
why my point of view sometimes tends to be that of someone
a little older
PLAYBOY: How big was the generation gap in the Leno hou
hold?
LENO: Other people would use terms such as hippies or
Whose Underwear
Is Under There?
PLAYBOY
68
long-hairs. My dad would say, "You
know these bomb throwers you see on
IV Bomb throwers! My cheap
stereo was a new Victrola. The food was
kept refrigerated in the icebox. Every-
thing was from the previous generation.
It was so different at my friends! house
Their parents would try to integ
themselves into the conversation and
say. "Hey, I saw that Mick Jagger last
night. He was something.” It made me
very uncomfortable. Or Vd be at a
friend's house and his mom would be in
the pool and—whoa'—vou're looking
somebody's mom in a bikini! "What is
s get out of here
PLAYBOY: Did you leam abo
life from your dad?
LENO: When 1 was eleven, my father se
my mother out of the house. He said,
Sit down, son. Do you know about the
birds and the bees?” I said, 71 guess I
tiule bit about it, Dad.” “Good.
ad. Now, how do the Yankees look
this year? Think they're
that pennant?” Th
Teven used to do a joke al
the classic dirty book in-the-schooly
find-out-Irei friends, — learn-the
wrong-thing sex educati
PLAYBOY: Ha
now that you're ai
LENO: Not really. I was watching TV the
other day with my dad. Some game or
the facts of
go
vou
com improved
something. I went, “Oh, Jesus Christ.
look at this.” Suddenly, I hear him in th
whground. "Watch your mouth while
youre in the house.” I thoy
g 10 hit me on the head with a pan
or something. Or I'll say, “Mom, did you
d Dad. ever do anything before you
were married?” “Oh, stop. Where c
you hear that kind of senses”
they told me the truth, Ud run «¢
leave my wile because of it
PLAYBOY: How well did the Scot
Tali ily get along?
They got along, but they were as
1
we'd go to a wedding, for exam-
ple, Italian side would always be
singing and dancing and eating. And the
Scouish side would say [Seolfisl accent],
“Oh, look at them, Jamie. the way they
carry on.” And when Pd visit the Scot-
lish side Геша accent): “Would ya
warm Coca-Cola, Jamie?” PO aly
azed me that they would keep Coke
d soli drinks in the cuphoard.
The Scottish side was so stoic, the Liab
ian so outgoing. It Iways funny
around the house
PLAYBOY: Were your par
tive? Would you hug one her?
LENO: No, we were never one of those
kinds of families. But we were close. Ir
member when I was sixteen, I had
Ford truck. E had just had the uphol-
stery all done and 1 slammed the door
one day and broke the window. Didi
have any money to get the window
fixed. | drove the truck to school one
ult he was
goin
sides of your I;
s vou could possibly imagine.
the
&
Awas a
s demons
day and it was sitting out in the parking
lot when it started to rain. I figured my
new upholstery was going to ved.
Bur Pm looking out the window and I
sce my mom and dad pull up. and my
dad's got a big sheet of plastic and my
mom's putting it over the truck. I start-
ed to ery. My dad lelt the office becau:
he knew how much the truck meant to
me. We were always close that way.
PLAYBOY: Did vou know early on that
you wanted to be a comic?
LENO: No. Where I grew up in New Eng-
and was as far phically and in ev-
ry other possible way as you could be
from show business. 1 always assumed 1
5 i 79)
would Бе a salesman, like my dad
PLAYBOY: When did that change
LENO: А! Emerson College, when 1 starı-
ed writing sketches with my roomm
Gene Braunstein—he's now an execu-
live script consultant on Who the Bass?
We'd perform the ses in
e
colleel
Boston where the entertainment was
usually ninetcen-year-old kids from
Island singing “1 hate my par-
is^ We thou arious, but
in retrospect, we were just horrible, One
Se icd lor an
ght we were hi
With his blessin g l
oup. We worked a bunch of
Playboy Clubs. One guy wanted 10 re-
hearse. One guy didnt. One guy
thought fart jokes were funny. f liked
the Bob and Ray kind of thing. which
they thought was too subtle. We dis-
banded alter six month:
PLAYBOY: And you decided to go sole
LENO: Yeah. Ud drive to New York and
try to get on stage. One d
The Biter End said 1 could co
on Tuesday and work for free. Naturally,
I told my parents. Now, The Bitter End
at that time was like herbal tea, guys
with long hair, people smoking je
There wouldn't be any more than twelve
customers in the audience. So right be-
lore I go on, I hear this loud voice: “Hey!
Jay Leno here tonight, hey?" My uncle Lou
e with the big hat, my gr
uminum walker. She's about
ninety, clapping and shou
nts.
dama
all my uncles and aunts arrive
Lou is yelling for beer in a place that
serves only herbal tea. acts
singing songs like, “Nixon's a j
ay family is shouting. “That's a ter
to say about our President
Tn thinking, Gee, this is u
i wand irs, Y
ч,
and
э: So I hem.
afew minutes. And Um off
e the bes “Hey. he was the
best опе... 1 And they all leave. maybe
seven minutes after getting there, emp-
tying the place lor the next act
PLAYBOY: Who wes
s you
mired back thanz
LENO: George Carlin was a big influence,
ol course, and Robert Klein. because he
was the guy most like me, I thought
white, middle-class, college student, sort
of the same interests in terms of the
things we liked to talk about. At tha
time, most comedians were men ove
forty, very Jewish, very East Side of New
York—"We were poor but we didnt
know we were poor,” that sort of thing. 1
don't come from any of that, s
related to any of those guys. Kle
did that kind of comedy. He'd be talki
I neve
about some obscure cut on a Beatles
bum. suddenly ma fun ol rock
groups from within rather than from
above And he w ta clown. I always
hated that kind of dopey, clown-falling:
down type of humo
PLAYBOY: What about Lenny Bruce:
LENO: I admired him, nly, but
never had his kind of anger: I never felt
the need to confront an audience that
> On the other hand, Mort Sahl, an-
big influence, would guest on The
Ed Sullivan Show and talk about Joe Me-
thy or Eisenhower or Kennedy and
suddenly, here'sa guy making fun of the
status quo fo the status quo, not pre
ing to the conve:
ver than be `
a jazz joint, filled with people who al-
rcady agreed with what you were saying.
That's not to put down Lenny. 1 liked
him, I thought he was funny; but he was
never as close 10 me as, say, Bob and
Ray.
PLAYBOY: You played a few of those d
ly lit jazz joints yourself, didn't you?
LENO; One day in 1970, 1 went to a place
called Lennic's on the Turnpike. Lennie
Sogoloff—we're still good friends—used
to br
a comedi
tened to my stuff and made me house
comic. It was the first place I ever went
on stage where the audience quicted
down to listen to you. If 1
thing funny, it would get a gre
And I got to know all these jazz people
and tour with them—Stan Getz, Mose
Allison, Ahmad Jamal, Buddy Rich.
I did а bunch of dates with Rah:
certa
x in all the big names. I said I was
an and he sat down and
Rokind Kirk, a blind musician, a very
funny. nice man. He would play through
his nose and all that kind of stall. And
he used to do this black-nationalist rap
all the time. Once, at the Main Point
in Philadelphia, he started in on, "The
white devils and the white oppres
sor And there were these Muslim-
looking guys in shades saying. “Right
y “Then Ra
"Right now, Um going to
.yess Lo.
on. right on
1 says.
bring out a brother who's gonna tell vou
all about it! Come on out .. - brother Jay
Leno!” And Pd walk out to—silence!
crowd over
PLAYBOY: How do yc
w
vent no-
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man wound up laughing.
PLAYBOY: Are most audiences that easy to
win over?
LENO: No. | remember a night at the
Cellar Door in Washington. I was ready
to go on with Muddy Waters. Im not on
stage a minute when, from the corner of
my eye, I see a guy behind me with a cat-
sup bottle. Bop! He hits me on the head
and knocks me out cold. 1 needed nine
stitches. And I was docked a day's pay,
because as a professional, I should have
seen this thing coming.
There are some awful stories
ioi
1 got
punched once working with Buddy
Rich. At another place, this guy said to
me [lough-guy voice], "Look, if you're
gonna work here, don't wear nice
clothes.” 1 asked him why and he said,
“Just don't" So you'd be on stage and
you'd see these wise guys who smoke
their cigareues down to their fingers
and they'd flick them at you. Just awful
stuff like that
PLAYBOY: How about younger audi-
ences? Were they nicer?
LENO: Not much. I opened for R.
Earth, remember them? I drove all the
way down to George Washington Uni-
versity from Boston, about cight hours,
and I get there and there're no chairs
The stage is in the gym. The audience is
mostly teenage boys, standing. The mu-
sicians tell me, “We've got lots of expen-
sive equipment, buddy. You can't use
our stage. You're gonna have to stand
on the floor.” So I wind up facing the au-
dience eye to eye. I'm handed a mike
and I see that the wire on it is going
along the floor into the crowd. 1 say.
“Anybody here from Boston?” And
someone jerks the wire and the mike
flies away. Now I'm bent over, chasing
the mike through their legs, and I hear
stuff coming over the speakers like,
“Hey, Billy, you suck.” Somebody's got
the mike and he's screaming obscenities.
Finally, I find the wire and I follow it to
the end and, of course, the mike is gone
Now there's no show. I'm informed,
“The mike is your responsibility.” Not
only was 1 not paid, 1 had to pay them
seventy-five bucks.
PLAYBOY: You may be the only comic
who has opened for Muddy Waters,
Rare Earth and Perry Como. Isa Como
audience a bit square by comparison?
LENO: Well, I tried not to be a snob. I re-
member when I went out with Como for
the first year, people said, “It’s going to
be awful. Don't take that gig. It's going
to be old people.” But Comos audience
was fine. He was always a good singer
and a stylist, so his fans were people who
enjoyed good music who just happened
to be older, They got all the political
stuff. They were fine.
PLAYBOY: When did you begi
at the comedy clubs?
to wy out
LENO: That was back when 1 was still liv-
ing in Boston. I'd “borrow” a Rolls from
the dealership where 1 worked and
drive to New York after school, four and
a half hours each way. I was at The Im-
prov so often that Budd Friedman, the
owner, assumed I lived in New York
PLAYBOY: Did you hang out with other
young comics?
LENO: Since I was the only comic who
lived in Boston, everybody who came
through would stay at my place. Billy
Crystal, Freddie Prinze, Richard Lewis
Jimmie Walker—everybody. One day,
Freddie bought a gun and shot about
three hundred rounds of ammunition in
my living room. Sat there and fired
shots to blow a hole between the living
room and the bedroom.
PLAYBOY: So you gave up the apartment?
LENO: Yeah, but not because of that. One
night, I was watching The Tonight Show
which had moved to L.A. by then. I saw
this comic who was not very good and
he'd made the show, so I decided on the
spot to go out there. 1 did it right away. I
walked out of the apartment and went to
the airport. 1 left everything behind, the
furniture, belongings. I didn't take any-
thing except cash and a small
PLAYBOY: Why so drastic a break?
LENO: 1 have always painted myself into
а corner so I could never, ever make a
living doing anything else. 1 never let
myself take a regular job. I wanted to be
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SURGEON GEN
: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
in а position where I would have to do
anything to get on stage. Beg, if that was
what it took. Comedy was the only op-
tion. Strip joints. Places where you
worked for à sandwich. Pd go to audi-
tions where you'd line up at two in the
afternoon and stay in line until nine
o'clock at night. People in front of me
would grumble and leave. And 1 would
move up and feel great. It never oc
curred to me to quit or be depressed
This was the only job I ever really liked
PLAYBOY: What was it about being a co-
median that was so important?
LENO: The work—coming up with jokes
and telling them, Гуе always liked that
more than 1 liked any of the trappings. 1
liked it more than | liked the girls who
came around. I liked it more than 1
liked meeting celebrities. I still do.
PLAYBOY: What about the girls who come
around? What sort of groupies do come-
dians attract?
LENO: We don't usually get the rock-and-
roll Daryl Hannah type. More often, it’s
the sort of fatherless.
paired type. It's strange. Comics are odd
emotionally im-
with women. Very rarely are they the
and wom
ad decide whether
they like your face, whether
pursuers. You stand on sta
en can look at you
you have
eyes or a nice ass—whatever
that they want. [fthey like wh
when you go off stage, they'll approach
you. And you play the sort of hurt-fawn-
it is
they see
lost-in-the-forest act
PLAYBOY: Mosi male comics range from
being chauvinistic to being flagrantly an-
tileminist. You're not. Why?
LENO: Well, first off, I like women. My
mom, my aunts were all nice people.
sponsible people. My wife and I get
along fine. She's very sensible and
smart. Гуе never had a big problem with
personal relationships. 1 still see almost
every woman | ever went out with.
We're friends. Some are married, some
аге not. I don't think there are any who
hate me. I don't hate any of them.
PLAYBOY: Where did you and your wife,
Mavis, meet?
LENO: At The Comedy Store. She was in
the audience. 1 thought she was attrac-
tive. 1 didn't wait for her to come to me.
We met halfway. We got along right
from the start
PLAYBOY: Do you remember the moment
when you decided to get married?
LENO: We'd been living together for a
while. She didn't particularly want to get
married. Then, one day, I realized that I
had a bunch of insurance policies that
covered me for everything, but unless
Mavis were my wife—if she got sick or
was in an automobile accident—she
wouldn't be covered. So 1 told her I
thought we should get married. And she
а. When my mother heard about
ance, she thought it was the
agre
the insu
funniest thing in the world. She still
talks about it
cause he had some policy. Mr. Skinflint
Mr. Cheap Skate.” She goes on and on.
PLAYBOY: What were some of the com-
promises you had to make when you
and Mavis moved in together?
LEN didn't make any. None. When 1
was dating, a lot of women got annoyed
with the fact that comedy came first. So
many comics get married “and their
wives ask them to work less, My wile
knows not to ask that. I'm not talking
about emergencies. When her father was
ill and in the hospital, 1 didn’t work. We
spent every day taking care of him—and
that went on for a year. But it's like—
Mavis reads voraciously, sometimes
fifteen books a week. 1 wouldn't think of
asking her. “Honey, could you just stop
reading so much?” 1 don't understand
people who try to change their spouse
once they're married.
PLAYBOY: Arc your tastes similar?
LENO: Opposite, But I like opposite. 1
learn things. Mavis collects Dickens and
all sorts of literature and my world is
limited. to
mans. Being with her forces me to see
things and talk about things and
places I would nor normally go. I've
about twelve cars, classics. She has this
Japanese thi She
a be a little grouchier than I am. Im
pretty even-tempered She
bothered by people who ask me for an
Oh, they got married be-
cars, motorcycles and hu-
a Honda Prelude.
gets more
REFRESH FOR LESS
autograph. If she were the one who w
famous, I think she would avoid it much
more than I do.
PLAYBOY: Everyone in show business has
a strange story about someone seeking
an autograph. What's yours?
LENO: | have a great one. A while ago, |
was riding my motorcycle with a friend
high up im the Hollywood Hills. We
stopped to look down across the city and
Vm thinking, This is beautiful. And all of
а sudden: "click-click." This guy puts a
thirty-eight against the side of my head
and cocks it. "Where's my мш?” he
shouts. “You're the bikers who broke in-
to my house and stole all of my stuff
His wile, waiting in the car, says, "Hon-
ey, maybe these aren't the guys.” “No, I
know they're the guys!” V show him my wal-
let: “I'm no robber. My names Jay
Leno; Um a comedian. I've been on
TV.” He asks, “What are you doing
here?” “Riding our bikes.” He gives me
back the wallet, uncocks the gun and
“Get out of here and don't come
Says,
back.
So a few years lat
; Im in a conven-
the same area. 1 go
around the corner and this guy says,
“Jay?” I look at him. “Remember me? I
was the guy who pulled the gun on you
that time, Geez, we're so proud of you.”
The wife comes up and says, "Oh. we tell
everyone that story, Would you give us
an autograph for our daughter?” That
ience моге near
was one of the stupidest and strangest
things that has happened to me
PLAYBOY: Back before anybody wanted
your autograph, did it discourage you
when contemporaries such as Jimmie
Walker and Freddie Prinze clicked on
TV quickly, while you didn't?
LENO: A lot of people passed me like a
shot. Jimmie, Freddie, Robin Williams,
Letterman, Elayne Boosler. I was the last
one to do The Tonight Show. But it never
bothered me. I was never, ever jealous of
anybody I thought was good. I was mi
ing a living and that was fine with me.
PLAYBOY: Did any established comics
help you?
LENO: A lot of them. You tend to get
more work from other comics than you
will ever get from any agent. 1 had al-
ready auditioned for Johnny, and he
hadn't liked it. He thought 1 had too
much attitude and not enough material.
And he was right. But Steve Martin saw
me a few times at The Improv and he
kept telling the Tonight Show people they
should bring me on. I'm very grateful to
him. I appeared on the show thanks to
him, and he didn’t know me from a hole
in the wall
PLAYBOY: Do you help the new comics?
LENO: | do whatever I can. When I first
saw Dennis Miller on Saturday Night Live,
I thought he was great. And I spread his
name around wherever I could. There's
Kevin Rooney, a very funny comedian,
who coproduced a special I did a few
years back. Another comedian, Jimmy
Brogan. Very funny guy, Carol Leifer
You take care of one another
PLAYBOY: Do they ask for career advice?
LENO: 105 not some sort of council of eld-
ers. It's more like, "You've been there,
what do I have to do?" I probably give
more advice than is necessary [laughs].
But I like talking with new comics.
PLAYBOY: Do you ever worry that your
style of humor might go out of vogue?
LENO: It’s like being an athlete. For five
or ten years, you hit home runs, and
then you spend the rest of your life
shagging balls. When I first gained a lit-
de popularity, Id play one-hundred.
fifty-seat night clubs, and they would be
filled. Then I moved to a thirty-five-
hundred-seat place—and that's full.
Now I don't care what size the room is,
as long as it’s full. Every weekend, I go
хо The Comedy & Magic Club in Her-
mosa Beach. It seats only two hundred
twenty, but I walk in and it’s full, and it’s
the same feeling that 1 would get
Carnegie Hall—probably better, because
it's more intimate.
PLAYBOY: What's the story on your going
into a trance while you perform
LENO: I probably should never have
mentioned it, because it sounds like psy-
cho comic or something. But when I do
two two-hour shows, which is fairly of-
ten, I get into the rhythm of the thing
73
PLAYBOY
74
and I fall asleep on stage, 1 just plain go
out for about forty minutes and then
come back in again and drift m and out.
My wile knows when Em asleep. But 1
don't think anybody else does.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever had any rude
awakenings?
LENO: Occasionally. there's a heckler or à
fight breaks out
and | wake up. On-
ly once or twice
have 1 come back
and not known
where 1 was. I
stumbled a Tile
and sot it back
Once, | repeated a
joke. God, 1 was
out like a light that
time. H sounds re-
ally stupid, but oth-
er comics know
what m talking
about. You get on a
roll with an audi-
ence. A friend of
mine put one of
those pulse things
on me and. boy, my
pulse drops wann
down when Fm on
stage. I's the easi-
est part of the day
for me.
PLAYBOY: What
were your carly
forays into TV like?
LENO: Well. the first
ones were around
New York, Boston.
all the 4. M. shows
Just alter my
Tonight Show debut
I was back in New
York. in Bulkalo
1.M. Buffalo. Vm in
ıhe greenroom.
and I'm siting
there with seven
authentic Pygmy ¿
dancers, Just me
and е Pygmy
dancers. They've
got the bones in
the nese and the
spears and he
grass skirts. They
don't speak Eng-
lish. They're all
grunting and
they're about three
feet tall And the
talent coordinator
walks in. looks
around and calls out, "Mr Leionoo?
Which one іх Me Lencovo?” And Vin
thinking, Oh, arent I Kumous now!
PLAYBOY: Tell us about that first Tonight
Show appearance
LENO: March the second, 1977. Is
something you remember, Is like your
first girl. I's not very
vod, Is over real
quick. But you remember it the rest of
your life. Actually, it went pretty well.
Not long alter that, I was listening to my
mom talking to my a
was on the Johnny Carson program. He
has a litte skit that he does. He goes to a
town and they have а show and he does
his skit.” “Ma, it’s not a skit.” “Well, it’s
Mast Flared,
Wath k
pe
co
(Ша)
like a skit and your aunt Nettie doesn’t
know what it is.” Back to the phone:
“And he tells litle stories. They're
jokes, Ma. They're not little stories.”
PLAYBOY: And you continued to do your
lile skit on The Tonight Show?
LENO: I did the show probably seven or
ight times and cach time was less good
=r
Gots )
than the fist time. Until they decided
they'd had enough. And I didn't do it
again for eight years
PLAYBOY: Fight year
blow to your career?
LENO: | do sort of have my own lule
world here. I went back on the road. I
never really got in anyplace through the
front door. any-
way, Freddie Prinze
would walk out on
stage and say, “It's
not my yob,” And
the minute he said
that—hoom!—he
was on his way. He
Wasn't that a killer
had instant
munication
the audience. I was
different. After peo-
ple saw me seven
m" E or eight times, they
said, "He's not
bad. 1 kind of like
him." I built slowly:
PLAYBOY: How did
you go from being
out as a Tonight
guest to being in as
a guest host?
LENO: 11 was that
ne sort of build.
They saw me a
bunch of times on
Letlerman, where 1
was getting good
rea and
asked if Vd be in-
d in guest
hosting the show
worked out
prisingly well.
so T continued to
do it. Finally. there
was a point when
they decided (har
Garry Shandling.
who had also been
hosting fairly of
ten, and I should
split the job. Garry
quit to do his s
nd here Lam.
PLAYBOY: Why did
you do so much
better on Lellerman
than in your early
appearances with
Carson?
LENO: It was kids
talking with kids.
When you're on
with Johnny, he's
Johnny Carson
and you're a new kid. I had never even
been able 10 bring myself to call him
Johnny. 1 would say, “Oh, thank you,
Mr. Carson,” like some little weenie guy,
but 1 didn't want to say “Johnny.” I just
felt awkward. But Dave and I knew each
other, and I could walk out eating a piz-
za and make a mess of his desk. Dave
ction,
Wake
terest
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Or For Play?
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PLAYBOY
76
would get all flustered.
PLAYBOY: How did yon meet Letterman
LENO: At an audition mght at Ihe Com-
edy Store. Auditions are usually guys
doing mate “Habib at the
7-Eleven... or “My marriage is...”
or “My girlfriend is. ` Over and over.
And suddenly, here's this guy doi
and Fin not sure this is the exact line,
but it was an edi thi
thing like (his—“We are diametric
opposed to the use of orphans as
vardage markers on driving ranges."
Dave's stuff was so much cleverer than
the usual. And he had great phrasing. 1
went up and introduced myself and we
became friend:
PLAYBOY: Considering the lun you've
had on the Letterman show, would you
preter it if The Tonight Show were wilder?
LENO: The difference doesnt have that
much to do with the show itself. It has to
do with what my position is on the show.
When Um on with Dave for ten minutes,
he is more or less the calming
He's on for an hour. I come out with ten
minutes of “Nice tie, Dave.” bing, bing.
bing, bit hard. eat sandwiches, stull your
face. make а mess, knock something
over, tell a joke, screw around—boom!—
and leave. You come out like a toi
wreck everything and leave. You cant
wreck everything five days a week for an
hour: it just gets frantic. This is the m
take networks make when they hire dee-
jays as hosts. “Irs gonna be the wackiest
hour!” Alter about twenty
this frantic energy, you've had it. So
when you host The Tonight Show, you do
your monolog—boom!—slow the whole
thing vight down, let the guests be lun-
ny, let them be ent ng. back off.
PLAYBOY: Are you and Ca friendly?
LENO: It's not a case of, “Hey, Johnny,
what we doing today?” Í mean,
al and economic barrier
п age dillerence. But
we've had dinner together, my wile and
Гапа Johnny and his wife Unlike a lot
of famous. comedians who've
wound awhile. he really seems like a
porary. 1 hate to sound like a
sort of guy. but I enjoy his com-
profes-
sional fri ang out with
him. He's not a car guy: he's
player. Our interests are not all that sim-
ilar. If he were into cars, Pd be over
there every day.
PLAYBOY: What started you colles
cars and motorcycles?
LENO: Гуе always loved them, I'm not
really a collector. I drive what 1 like.
Most of the stuff I bought when it was
veal cheap and nobody else wanted it.
Now, within the past ten years, its got-
ten really expensive. But l'm not a col-
lector. I don’t register them as antiques,
just as cars. 1 drive them and when they
blow up. I fix them. | dont baby them,
but I don't beat them, either.
PLAYBOY: What do you get out of work-
nado,
are
sex
been
tennis
ing on engines and tinkering with ears?
LENO: lo me, it's the only real work,
making things with your hands, fixing
things, My dad was always good with his
hands He was going to be a mechanic.
but instead, he went to work for the
nce company. 1 grew up in a neigh-
borhood where you did things and fixed
things. [U's so different in Hollywood. A
while ago, I told a neighbor that 1 was
going to go mow the lawn, And he said,
“You know how to mow the lawn?” As il
it were some sort of great skill.
PLAYBOY: A lot of your contemporaries
have gone on to be major film stars.
What happened to your movie carce!
LENO: | never had one. I made a few
movies that didn’t do very well. The last
one was for Dino de Laure and he
went bankrupt.
PLAYBOY: Your films American Hol Wax
and Silver Bears got good reviews.
LENO: Good reviews її enough. Fi-
ther a movie makes money or it does:
It's like a joke. Fither it's funny or irs
not. If people like it, it's a good movie. If
they don't like it. then you get into that
gray area. They didn’t understand
Yeah, fine, Comedy clubs are filled with
comics who are misunderstood.
PLAYBOY: So movies are not an option?
LENO: 1 don't know. If Sidney Lumet or
one of those terrific directors said, “Gee,
1 think you'd be good lor this,” I guess I
would do it. Its not like people are of-
fering me Godfather HT. What they come
to me with is more like Hamburger the
Movie, Pan H.
PLAYBOY: Getting back to Tonight, you're
looking considerably more d:
in years gone by. What h
LENO: So many people wrote in, “Get rid
“You look stupid in that
suit.” Never mind the jokes. Never mind
the monolog, Is the clothes that count
So now it’s Perry Ellis stulf. When vow
g every day, I think people like to
certain middle-of-the-road quality
* Would you rather be wearing
of that de.”
d
er. lo me, clothes
ic necessity. You really shouldn't
show your genitals in public Arsenio
knows all about the clothes thing. E look
suit on the dummy and I say. “Well,
s what it looks like on the dum-
my. it will look exactly the same on me.”
And, of course. it never does.
PLAYBOY: What about physical fitness
Do you do anything to keep in shape?
LENO: No. I come from the school that
says if you have time to exercise
end of the day, you re not worki
enough
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your vices.
you smoke or drinkz
LENO: | smoke a pipe once in a while, but
I never drink. In high school. I remen
ber taking a couple of sips. | never liked
the taste of it. Plus, I was always desig-
nated driver. And being into cars and
motorcycles, I never wanted to lose my
Do
idiotic as drinking. I never quite
stood the premise that if 1 grabbed а
s ass when I was drunk, E could be
If I want to grab her ass. FII
just grab her “Jay was a little over
the top, Betty, sorry.” Oh, please!
PLAYBOY: What about re
LENO: Never discuss it. No manae
you say, someone will want to kill va
t, so I don't even discuss it or ge
PLAYBOY: Politics?
LENO: No ай 1 used to enjoy
Dick Cavett’s talk show until he began to
make his political bent pretty obvious. H
you do that, hall the audience loves you
and half hates you. My job is not to pro-
mote one cause or the other but to hu-
miliate i Il politicians. Iry
to keep it fairly light. Tiene joke about
Bush going to a baseball game, then go.
ing to Bermuda to fly a kite, then say-
ing he won't eat broccoli, Hey, maybe
Quayle can handle the job alter all.
amoy: Why do you suppose the Frito-
Lay people thought you could handle
the job of selling Doritos?
LENO: | don't know. I started out as sort
of a bit player in those commercials and
w from there.
igion?
what
for
cd cle
PLAYBOY: Any other products in the
we
LENO: Not at present. | have no interest
in selling products that aren't American-
made. Г don't perform in other coun-
ties, why should I sell their products? I
to be very nationalistic when it
s to industrial America. Actually,
os are about the only thing
manulachne in this country any more.
And ir's a harmless product. 1 mean, ob-
viou s not an apple. But, like I a
ways say, you don't see dead teenagers
on the highway with bags of Doritos all
around them
tend
ly,
Рідүвоү: Much of your popularity
comes from your being a man of the
people. Is this likely to change when
your audi is thinki
multimillionair
LENO: | don't think so. I was driving
Lamborghini a couple of mo
This guy i “Hey, go get
“em, Jay, hey. glad to see you're doing
ving me a hig
псе s
g ol you asa
T
hs agp.
a truck shouts,
оой...
and way
to mc.
1 work hard for my money I don't
take money from ather than
my telling the jokes. I à it known
that Pm not out there doing commer-
cials for every product that comes alo
Im not chasing the buck. 1 try to keep
my ticket price on the low side. 1 don't
try to pretend Im anything but what 1
1 gh. Ws a
at life. ICS a lot like winning the lot-
‚1 don't think people resent it. But if
do, there's nothing I can do about
m not going to give it back.
El
Youre
awanted man.
1990 Schiellelin 8 Somerset Со. NY. NY. Cognac Hennessy 40% Alc Vol (80°)
Cognac
ae
The Worlds Most Civilized Spirit.
article By GARRY WILLS
THE LEARNED have their superstitions, prominent
among them a belief that superstition is evaporating.
Since science has explained the world in secular
terms, there is no more need for religion, which will
wither away. Granted, it has been slow to die in Amer-
ica. Even Marx noticed that, in the 1850s. But he ex-
plamed it by the raw state of this country: “The
feverish, youthful movement of material production,
which has to make a new world its own, has left nei-
ther time nor opportunity for abolishing the old spirit
world.” The funeral, he was sure, had been delayed,
not canceled. Yet when Communist regimes were giv-
en their own sudden funeral in 1989, an American
preacher (Andrew Young) remarked, “When they
come out from behind the iron curtain, they are
singing We Shall Overcome, a Georgia Baptist hymn.”
And he did not mean the Soviet Georgia
In a time of reviving fundamentalisms around the
world, some Americans have rediscovered our native
fundamentalists (a recurring, rather than cumulative,
experience for the learned). It seems careless for
scholars to keep misplacing such a large body of peo-
ple. Nonetheless, every time religiosity catches the at-
tention of intellectuals, it is as if a shooting star
appears in the sky. One could hardly guess that noth-
ing has been more stable in our history, nothing less
budgeable, than religious belief and practice. Religion
does not shift or waver; the attention of its observers
does. Public notice, like a restless spotlight, returns at
intervals to believers’ goings on, finds them still going
on and, with expressions of
astonishment or dread, de-
clares that religion is under- AMERICA TAKES
going a boom or revival, But
as Seymour Martin Lipset ob-
served, available statistics tell Н RELIGION
the et. ^
story a continuous
‘boom’ in American religious
o cec:
vivalism does not need to be
Waco das e ИШҮ
UNDER s
GOD
PAINTING BY ROGER BROWN
PLAYBOY
life. Apparent fluctuations in the 19th
Century had more to do with inchoate
reporting methods than with oscilla-
tions in things reported on.
Technology, urbanization, social mo-
bility, universal education, high living
ndards—all were supposed to cat
away at religion, in a wash of overlap-
ping acids. But each has crested over
America, prov self a solvent or a
catalyst in other areas but showing li
tle power to diminish. religion. The
figures are staggering. Survey alter
survey confirms them, including the
following results of a Gallup Poll:
* Nine Americans in ten say they
have never doubted the existence of
God.
+ Eight Americans inten
lieve they will be called before God on
Judgment Day to answer for thei
* Fight Americans in ten believe
sod sull works mi
* Seven Ameri
life after death.
When Cardi
ew York me
diocese, he w
ns in ten believe in
1 John O'Connor of
ned exorcisms in his
widely ridiculed in the
ent of Americans be-
eve
lieve
in angels—as opposed to the 15 pe
cent who believe in astrology. Cardi
O'Connor is joined in his views by well
s that join Nan-
ulting astral charts
confor
over twice the numbe:
cy Re
Practice
About 40 percent of the American
population attends church in a typ
week (as opposed to 14 percent
| Great Britain and 12 percent in
More people go to church,
y week, than to all professional
sports events combined. More than 90
percent of Americans say they pray. 1
ternationally, “Americans rank at the
top in rating the importance of God
their lives. On a seale of one to ten,
with ten the highest, Americans aver-
aged a rating of 8.21, behind only tiny
ta (0.58).
One would expect that something so
port Americans would affect
their behavior as voters. And, as
ter of fact, no ne
been elected Pre
States. No non-Protest
until 1960, when some took the accept-
ance of John E Kennedy to mean that
religion would thenceforth matter less
s. But if t s true, why did a
ity of Ame s say in 1987 that
they would not vote for an atheist as
President? Some may have ехарр
ed their own tolerance when a majority
said they would vote for a Jew; but ed-
ucated people probably underreported
their resistance to an atheist. What
emerges from this and similar ques-
tions is that the clectorate wants a Pres-
ident who observes his (or, evei
Yin cor
s to
profession.
nt to
of the United
was elected
her) religion. President Dwight Eisen-
hower was, as usual, close to his con-
stituents’ instinct when he said that
people should pract their faith,
"and I don't care what it i
Candidates have intuited enough of
these truths to put in church time dur-
ing their campaigns; even the secular
Michael Dukakis resumed his exiguous
ties to the Greek Orthodox cl h. Yet
his coolness in this area was in striking
to the easy religiosity of
Ronald Reagan—a contrast that no
doubt had something to do with their
differing successes at election time.
People seem to trust the person who
In fact, Paul
ed study of
jous styles
polling data, found rel
more indicative of voting p
the por a than wer
data studied (e ass, regional,
etc) George Gallup, Jr, and Jim
Castelli claim that thé same thing
would prove true today if analysts
framed the right hypotheses: "Reli-
gious affiliation remains one of the
most accurate, and least appreciated,
political indicators available.”
But political comment
show acute discomfort when faced with
the expression of religious values in
the polit s demon-
strated when G vs. adultery
became an issue during the 1988 cam-
paign. It > that religio
influences one's view of adultery—77
percent of Protestants th xtra
marital sex is always wrong,” as op-
posed to 71 percent of Catholics and
46 percent of Jews. But when there
was a reaction against Hart,
had to legitimate this hostility
thing but the obvious grou
New Republic editorialist put it,
revelation of salaciou ls [was]
justified on the basis of news value or
competitive pressures [among net
d publications] or insight into
—in short, on any remotely
cept «карр
adultery itself (which viola
social taboo against mor
e now allowed to like à
didate for the way he looks or for hi
television skills but not for his
tion of the dominant mc
society.
terns in
he normal
onomic, el
mos
s obvio
de
constantly
agan was
communicator with-
g enough emphasis to what he
was communicating. He communicated
from church on Sunday); he communi-
cated appreciation of the conventional
family (despite his own family’s messy
interrelationships). He would pr
the drop of a hat—as when he pi
for a soap-opera characters del
ance from the indignities imposed on
her by the show's wri
‘The right wing regularly deplores
liberal bias in the media, trying to
count how many Democrats there are
in the working press as opposed to the
percentage in the electorate at kage.
They could make a more interesting
case on the ratio of churchgoers in the
national press compared with those in
the general public or on the uneasy
way journalists talk about religion
opposed to the frequency of reference
among ordinary people. Some of the
glibbest persons in the nation are odd-
ly tongue-tied when the Bible is
brought up. And editors seem to pr
fer inarticulacy on the subject. Major
papers and networks encourage re-
porters to acquire expertise in the law
or economics, but I have not heard of
an editor asking reporters to br
on their theology. Religious wr
most papers ате kept in their Satur-
day-edition ghettos. 1 do not v
ber seeing a single religious writer on
any campaign plane of the six Pres
dential campaigns I have covered—not
even on Pat Robertson's in 1988, and
certainly not on Jesse Jackson's in 1984
or 1988. ( James M Wall, the editor of
The Christan Century, was on Jimmy
1976, but
е, nor
mem-
asses the commenta-
It is out of bounds. An cditor of
tors.
the old Life magazine once assigned
me a book on rel h the remark
that I was the only ^
term for a believe
regular reviewers. At
Rescue rally. а jo
group of other ers with the
breathless announcement. that anti
abortionist Randall Terry was telling
bloodthirsty stories about murder and
dismemberment to avenge a rape. She
did not know, though Terry had
med the passage (Judges 19), that he
wg a Bible story—the tale of
le's concubin
stable of
з Operation
nalist joined a
геро
litical coverage of rel
that this will somehow breach the w
of separation between church
Since the Constitution m:
division, jour nd
nk voters should.
their own hermetic seal betwee:
gion and polities—and if they do not, it
is better not t0 know about something
so shameful. Because schools are not
lowed to sponsor prayers, it is some-
how an enlightened act to turn the oth-
er way when candidates pray aloud (as
they always do).
If religion intrudes too obviously, as
in the case of Robertson's campaign, it
is treated as an anomaly. It is given
(continued on page 198)
state.
this
seem to t
эту азы RR
`= эрес ярь
jannaa
F nas
“I believe in Christmas. I believe in peace on earth so much 1 can taste it.”
ENN-TASTIC!
s Audrey Horne,
precocious teen-
aged troublemak-
er on Twin Feoks, Sherilyn
Fenn exudes an overpow-
ering sexuolity. The twist
her tongue put into a
cherry stem won her o job
in a brothel—and an en-
during place in TY lore.
PHOTOGRAPHY
BY BARRY HOLLYWOOD
meet twin peaks’ mysterious siren sherilyn fenn
———
` ر A
text by GLENN O'BRIEN — cravskveveo, porcelain-skinned, svelte
Sherilyn Fenn is a true beauty. She has the mark of beauty right there
on her face, like a point of exclamation under her boomerang brow.
Her voice has a kind of Zen drawl to it. You know right off she's
from the southern part of wherever it is she comes from. Petite,
sweet, stunning Sherilyn (rhymes with Marilyn) Fenn is, among
other things, Audrey Horne, the coy, kookie, existential teen
coquette of David Lynch's wacky meta-soap opera Twin Peaks.
Together, they form the best reason to stay home on Saturday night.
83
addle-shod, ^ bobby-soxed, white-
bloused, cardigan-sweatered, pleat-
skirted, with a face that could launch a
thousand limos, Audrey Horne is the
definitive high school femme fatale.
She's a sort of combination of Dobie
Gillis’ Thalia Menninger and Ava Gardner in Pandora
and the Flying Dutchman, maybe a little Morticia Ad-
dams, too.
Deluxe, deliberate, delovely Audrey Horne moves
like cool jazz. When she appears on the screen, there's
that Audrey theme again, lounge bop with 2 swivel in
its hips. She's a daddy's girl, but only when she wants
something, and anyway, all her daddy really has is
power, So sinuous, sweet and sour, Audrey Horne is
an interesting role model for today's upwardly mobile
power teens. She wafis through Twin Peaks saying
things like, “In real life, there is no algebra.”
Power could have something to do with her charac-
ter's motivating desire for FBI special agent Cooper,
who has recently arrived in Twin Peaks to investigate
the interstate demise of her high school classmate
Laura Palmer. To please the handsome agent, she has
forsaken her life of sassy leisure for the dangerous and
complex task of aiding him in his investigations.
When we left Audrey Horne cliff-hanging last sca-
son, she had infiltrated a lavish bordello to acquire ev-
idence. When her interview for a tart position turned
sour, Audrey popped a maraschino-cherry stem into
her mouth; and aftcr looking, perhaps, like a cat dis-
| creetly swallowing a canary, she placed the stem tied
| ina knot on a napkin. Blackie, the madam, had to
hire her on the spot. And as the last episode of the sea-
son reached its very brink, as fate would have it, Au-
drey was about to accidentally receive Daddy as her
first John. The “Will they or won't they?" is the post-
modern “Who shot J.R.?"
There is plenty of Audrey in Sherilyn Fenn. She
identifies with her character extensively. In fact, being
Audrey has brought out the best in Sherilyn. Audrey
uses her charms to manipulate men, to get what she
wants. And she has taught Sherilyn that it’s a power
that women have and that they don't have to be
ashamed of it.
Mysterious, evocative, evanescent Sherilyn Fenn
wears Chanel No. 5. Archetypal, hip and universal
Sherilyn Fenn thinks Audrey wears Chanel No. 5, too.
Demure, reserved, tantalizing Sherilyn Fenn says
she is a shy person. Too shy to try out for cheerleader
in high school. Funny, considering the fact that her
mom, Arlene Quatro, was keyboard player in the Suzi
Quatro band, back in the (text continued on page 213)
seems to be hatching yet another scheme to dis-
comfit the home folks. Director David Lynch, who
brought the skewed sensibilities of his films Blue Velvet and
Wild at Heart to Twin Peaks, describes Sherilyn, his choice
for the coveted role, as "five feet of heaven in a ponytail.”
| | er mind obvicusly not оп her studies, Audrey (left)
MAKEUP BY PAUL STARR FOR PROFILE HAIR BY DANIEL HOWELL FOR CELESTINE,LA. STYLING BY DENISE STEINER FOR LA. REP
lives? For the past eight years, making movies—not c few of which have never been released
theatrically. Those days, we predict, are gone forever. Besides her continuing role on Twin
Peaks, she's already working on Hit Man, a film in which she co-stars with Morgen (Driving Miss
Daisy) Freeman and Valerie Perrine—herself the subject of three memorable Playboy pictorials.
S о where has Sherilyn Fenn, this oh-so-Nineties reincarnation of Аус Gardner, been all our
HAVING GIVEN хаар
š PE
UP SEX AND FOOD, OUR ie
INTREPID ANGLER GOES
FOR THE BIG ONE IN
THAILAND
HOOKED
ON THE
ANDAMAN
SEA
TOP PREC RIA eR E CTP:
¿MSC 9169 (73) (ED) (é
D
article By AL GOLDSTEIN
THE ANDAMAN SEA Shines as blue and clear
as the eyeball of the Buddha, east of
the wider face of the Bay of Bengal. It
is a rare hybrid of open ocean and vast
circumscribed loch, stippled on its
western extreme by a fringe of epony-
mous islands and blocked to the east by
the long, bony sweep of the Malay
Peninsula.
The Andaman Islanders speak a lan-
guage proved unrelated to any other
on the globe, as if they were bent on
keeping a tribal secret. Among other
things, they hold sacred the sailfish.
They have kept their secret well, be-
cause until recently, few in the West
and not many in the East knew thatthe
Andaman Sea gives up some of the best
sport fishing in the world.
Up north, near what we used to call
Burma but now have been sweetly
redirected to call Myanmar, the
mouths of the Irrawaddy muddy up EN 15)
the eyeball a bit, but here in the pupil, NIC: ЖМ) OS
it is blue, blue as an egg, blue as a E š
Buick, and in the dog days of August, — ES i š E hecer esteit
at the edge of the monsoon, її becomes
g2 mirror flat. 1 (continued on page 205)
ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y. CRAFT
А2454 obio
pl A
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MESS
PLAY
CHRIST
G U
AS GIFT
I D
exceptional goodies that make giving and getting a yule delight
BOY'S
M
E
Top left: Canon’s Photuro fully automotic 35mm camera feotures a built-in outomotic zoom flosh and a power-zoom lens that ex-
tends the focal length from 35 to 105mm, $500. Center: If they were good enough for Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder, they're
good enough for us. Hand-tooled leother belt, $110, and custom-mode deerskin El Maido cowboy boots with sterling-silver wing
tips, $1400, both from Falconhead Boots, Belts, Buckles, Los Angeles, Colifornia. Bottom right: Only a diamond can scratch this
space-age Swiss quortz wotch made of fine ceramics and sapphire crystal, by Rado Watch Company, New York, $1000.
Top left: Perfect for the art
collectors on your list, this
81/0 х 81/4" sterling-silver puz-
де, $1500, was created спа
signed by renowned sculptor
Richard Hunt, whose work is
exhibited in major museums
throughout the world. The
puzzle, titled Landscape Vari-
ations, sits on a walnut base
and also comes in bronze,
$150, silver-plated bronze,
$250, and 24-k1.-gold-plated
bronze, $350. It's available
with a certificate of authentic-
ity exclusively from SEL/Hunt.
To order, call 800-345-6066,
left: This Damascus-steel
knife with mother-of-pearl
handle has a lock-back fold-
er, push-button release and
measures abaut 6'/2 inches
open, from Borreti-Smythe,
Ltd, New York, $1400.
Above: These new Studio 01 rhodium-ond-gold sun-
glasses feature unique adjustable spring-loaded nase
bridges covered in soft European leather, by Carrera
for Parsche Design, Costa Mesa, California, about $350.
Above: Honda calls its new Cub aff-road cycle fun. We agree. With the
simple push of a button ond twist of a throttle, the variable-ratio auto-
matic transmission sends this racy machine up the hills ond through
the straightaways at up to 40 mph, from Chicago Honda, about $1500.
Left: Pro-tour veteran Roy-
mond Floyd sweors by his
new J's Professional Driv-
ers, and the media have
hailed the clubs as “mysti-
cal, magical high-tech
weapons.” Designed by
Bridgestone engineers and
Japan's leading golfer,
Jumbo Ozaki, J's опе,
three and five woods com-
bine standard stainless-
steel club heads, mid- and
low-flex graphite-fiber
shafts and unique design
and weighting characteris-
tics that'll allegedly add
distance to your drive, by
Bridgestone Sports U.S.A.,
about $400 per club.
Above: Stargazers will love
the Meade bross-plated
telescope, Model 2045, with
оп oak-veneer optical tube.
This sophisticated instru-
ment features 4" aperture,
1000mm focal length, dual
fork-tine mount, buil
pulse motor, automatic
tracking device cnd legs
that adjust in the center.
Sold with battery pack, dust
covers, case end limited
lifetime warranty, $2500.
Left: Rosewood side panels on the Elite
10-52 LaserDise player give it a rich ap-
pearance and its fully digital processing
system delivers 425 lines of resolution,
eliminates distortion and produces a
crisp video signal-to-noise ratio of 52
decibels, by Pioneer Electronics, $3500.
Where & How to Buy on page 240.
100
МОС
NG
fiction By URSULA K. LEGUIN
HIS IS А FAIRY TALE. People
stand in the lightly falling
snow. Something is shining,
trembling, making a silvery
sound. Eyes are shining.
Voices sing. People laugh
and weep, clasp one another's hands,
embrace. Something shines and trem-
bles. They live happily ever after. The
snow falls on the roofs and blows across
the parks, the squares, the river.
.
This is history. Once upon a time,
a good king lived in his palace in a
kingdom far away. But an evil en-
chantment fell upon that land. The
wheat withered in the ear, the
leaves dropped from the trees of the
forest and nothing thrived.
.
This is a stone. Its a paving stone of
a square that slants downhill in front of
an old, reddish, almost windowless
fortress called the Roukh Palace. The
square was paved nearly 300 years ago,
so a lot of feet have walked on this
stone, bare feet and shod, children's
little pads, horses’ iron shoes, soldiers’
boots; and wheels have gone over and
over it, cart wheels, carriage wheels,
car tires, tank treads. Dogs’ paws every
now and then, There has been dogshit
on it, there has been blood, both soon
washed away by water sloshed from
buckets or run from hoses or dropped
from the clouds.
You can't get blood from a stone,
they say, nor can you give it to a stone;
it takes no stain. Some of the pave-
ment, down near that street that leads
out of Roukh Square through the old
Jewish quarter to the river, got dug up,
once or twice, and piled into a barn-
cade, and some of the stones even
found themselves flying through the
air, but not for long. They were soon
put back in their place, or replaced by
others. It made no difference to them.
The man hit by the flying stone
dropped down like a stone beside the
stone that had killed him. The man
shot through the brain fell down and
his blood ran out on this stone, or an-
other one maybe; it makes no differ-
ence to them. The soldiers washed his
blood away with water sloshed from
buckets, the buckets their horses drank
from. The rain fell after a while. The
snow fell. Bells rang the hours, the
Christmases, the New Years. A tank
stopped with its treads on this stone.
You'd think that that would leave a
mark, a huge heavy thing like a tank,
but the stone shows not Only all
the feet bare and shod over the cen-
turies have worn a quality into it, not
a smoothness, exactly, but a kind of
softness, like leather or like skin. Un-
stained, unmarked, indifferent, it does
have that quality of having been worn
for a long time by life. So it is a stone of
power, and who sets foot on it may be
transformed.
.
This is a story. She let herself in with
her key and called, "Mama? Its me,
Fana!”
And her mother, in the kitchen of
the apartment, called, "Im in here,”
ILLUSTRATION BY MEL ODOM
this is history.
soldiers stond
in a row before
the palace,
their muskets
ready. stefana
is ready, too
and they met and hugged in the door-
way of the kitchen.
“Come on, come on!”
“Come where?”
“It's Thursday, Mama!"
“Oh,” said Bruna Fabbre, retreating
toward the stove, making vague pro-
tective gestures at the saucepans, the
dishcloths, the spoons.
“You said.”
“But it's nearly four alread:
“We can be back by six-thi
“1 have all the papers to read for the
advancement tests.”
“You have to come, Mama. You do.
You'll see!”
A heart of stone might resist the
shining eyes, the coaxing, the bossi-
ness. “Come on!” she said, and the
mother came.
But grumbling. “This is for you,” she
said on the stairs.
On the bus, she said it again. “This is
for you. Not me.”
“What makes you think that?”
Bruna did not reply for a while,
looking out the bus window at the gray
city lurching by, the dead November
sky behind the roofs,
“Well, you see,” she said, “before
Kasi, my brother Kasimir, before he
was killed, that was the time that would
have been for me. But I was too young.
Too stupid. And then they killed Kasi
“By mistake.”
"It wasn't a mistake. They were
hunting for a man who'd been getting
people out across the border, and
they'd missed him. So it was to... ."
“To have something to report to the
PLAYBOY
102
Central Office.”
Bruna nodded. “He was about the
age you are now,” she said. The bus
stopped, people climbed on, crowding
the aisle. “Since then, twenty-seven
years, always since then, it's been too
late. For me. First too stupid, then too
late. This time is for you. I missed
mine.”
“You'll see,” Stefana said. “There’s
enough time to go round.”
.
This is history. Soldiers stand in a
row before the reddish, almost win-
dowless palace; their muskets are at
the ready. Young men walk across the
stones toward them, singing, “Beyond
this darkness is the light, O Liberty, of
thine eternal day!”
The soldiers fire their guns. The
young men live happily ever after.
.
This is biology.
"Where the hell is everybody?"
“It’s Thursday,” Stefan Fabbre said,
adding, “Damn!” as the figures on the
computer screen jumped and flick-
cred. He was wearing his topcoat over
sweater and scarf, since the biology lab-
oratory was heated only by a space
heater that shorted out the computer
circuit if they were on at the same time.
“There are programs that could do
this in two seconds,” he said, jabbing
morosely at the keyboard.
Avelin came up and glanced at the
screen. “What is it?”
“The RNA comparison count. I
could do it faster on my fingers.”
Avelin, a bald, spruce, pale, dark-
eyed man of 40, roamed the laborato-
ry, looked restlessly through a folder of
reports. “Can't run a university with
this going on,” he said. “I'd have
thought you'd be down there.”
Fabbre entered a new set of figures
and said, “Why?”
“You're an idealist.”
“Am I?" Fabbre leaned back, rolled
his head to get the cricks out. “I try
hard not to be,” he said.
“Realists are born, not made.” The
younger man sat down on a lab stool
and stared at the scarred, stained
counter. “It's coming apart,” he said.
“You think so? Seriously?”
Avelin nodded. “You heard that re-
port from Prague.”
Fabbre nodded.
“Last week . . . this week... next
year—yes. An earthquake. The stones
соте apart—it falls apart—there was a
building, now there's not. History is
made. So I don't understand why
you're here, not there.”
“Seriously, you don't understand?”
Avelin smiled and said, “Seriously.
“All right.” Fabbre stood up ande
gan walking up and down the long
room as he spoke. He was a slight gray-
haired man with youthfully intense,
controlled movements. "Science or po-
litical activity, either/or: Choose. Right?
Choice is responsibility, right? So I
chose my responsibility responsibly. I
chose science and abjured all action
but the acts of science. The acts of a re-
sponsible science. Out there, they can
change the rules; in here, they cant
change the rules; when they try to, I
resist. This is my resistance.” He
slapped the laboratory bench as he
turned round. "I'm lecturing. I walk
up and down like this when I lecture.
So. Background of the choice. I'm
from the northeast. Fifty-six, in the
northeast, do you remember? My
grandfather, my father—reprisals. So,
in Sixty, I come here, to the university.
Sixty-two, my best friend, my wife's
brother. We were walking through a
village market, talking, then he
stopped, he stopped talking, they had
shot him. A kind of mistake. Right? He
was a musician. A realist. I felt that [
owed it to him, that I owed it to them,
you see, to live carefully, with responsi-
bility, to do the best I could do. The
best I could do was this,” and he ges-
tured around the laboratory. “I'm
good at it. So I go on trying to be a re-
alist. As far as possible, under the cir-
cumstances, which have less and less to
do with reality. But they are only cir-
cumstances. Circumstances in which I
do my work as carefully as 1 can.”
Avelin sat on the lab stool, his head
bowed. When Fabbre was done, he
nodded. After a while, he said, “But I
have to ask you if it's realistic to sepa-
rate the circumstances, as you put it,
from the work.”
“About as realistic as separating the
body from the mind,” Fabbre said. He
stretched again and rescated himself at
the computer. “I want to get this series
in,” he said, and his hands went to the
keyboard and his gaze to the notes he
was copying. After five or six minutes,
he started the printer and spoke with-
out turning. “You're serious, Givan?
You think it's coming apart?"
“Yes. I think the experimentis over.”
‘The printer scraped and screeched,
and they raised their voices to be heard.
“Here, you mean.”
“Here and everywhere. They know
it, down at Roukh Square. Go down
there. You'll see. There could be such
jubilation only at the death of a tyrant
or the failure of a great hope.”
“Or both.”
“Or both,” Avelin agreed.
The paper jammed in the printer,
and Fabbre opened the machine to
free it. His hand was shaking. Avelin,
spruce and cool, hands behind his
back, strolled over, looked, reached in,
disengaged the corner that was jam-
ming the feed.
“Soon,” he said, "we'll have an IBM.
A Mactoshin. Our hearts’ desire.”
“Macintosh,” Fabbre said.
“Everything can be done in two sec-
onds."
Fabbre restarted the printer and
looked around. "Listen, the princi-
ple”
Avelin's eyes shone strangely, as if
full of tears; he shook his head. “So
much depends on the circumstances,”
he said.
.
This is a key. It locks and unlocks a
door, the door to apartment 2-1 of the
building at 43 Pradinestrade in the
Old North Quarter of the city of Kras-
noy. The apartment is enviable, having
a kitchen with saucepans, dishcloths,
spoons and all that is necessary, and
two bedrooms, one of which is now
used as a sitting room, with chairs,
books, papers and all that is necessary,
as well as a view from the window
between other buildings of a short sec-
tion of the Molsen River. The river
at this moment is lead-colored and the
trees above it are bare and black. The
apartment is unlighted and empty.
When they left, Bruna Fabbre locked
the door and dropped the key, which is
on a steel ring along with the key to
her desk at the lyceum and the key to
her sister Bendika’s apartment in the
Trasfiuve, into her small imitation-
leather handbag, which is getting shab-
by at the corners, and snapped the
handbag shut. Bruna's daughter Ste-
fana has a copy of the key in her jeans
pocket, tied on a bit of braided cord
along with the key to the closet in her
room in dormitory G of the University
of Krasnoy, where she is a graduate
student in the department of Orsinian
and Slavic Literature, working for a
degree in the field of early romantic
poetry. She never locks the closet. The
two women walk down Pradinestrade
three blocks and wait a few minutes at
the corner for the number 18 bus,
which runs on Bulvard Settentre from
North Krasnoy to the center of the city.
Pressed in the crowded interior of
the handbag and the tight warmth of
the jeans pocket, the key and its copy
are inert, silent, forgotten. All a key
can do is lock and unlock its door;
that's all the function it has, all the
meaning; it has a responsibility but no
rights. It can lock or unlock. It can be
found or thrown away.
.
This is history Once upon a time,
in 1830, in 1848, in 1866, in 1918, in
1947, in 1956, stones flew. Stones flew
through the air like pigeons, and
hearts, too; hearts had wings. Those
were the years when the stones flew,
the hearts took wing, the young voices
(continued on page 203)
“Just what I wanted—a "laptop."
Nor HOME
FOR THE
HOLIDAYS
travel By JOHN REZEK
New Year's—have traditionally been a time of spiky emotional
behavior, high cash outlays and siege-mentality gift-giving and
partygoing. Instead of summoning our charity and doling it out in an
orderly fashion throughout the year, we are asked to give, receive, pow-
er-eat, power-drink and—as if that weren't enough—send a gazillion
Christmas cards and thank-you notes. Which SOMETIMES IT’S BEST ТО
does not mean, of course, that the season—
or, rather, how you choose to endure the sea- GET OUT OF TOWN TO HAVE
son—should be devoid of tradition. I make a
point of watching Brian De Palma’s Scarface YOURSELF A MERRY
every December 25th, and that leaves me
with a very warm feeling inside. What I'm MUHUP CTA NS)
suggesting is that there are holiday traditions of which you may not be
aware, that are not your own and that may help ease you through this
difficult period. It is also possible to escape Christmas entirely, to simply
flee. Here are some suggestions as to where to go, singularly or in tan-
dem, to make the most of what is sometimes a bad situation.
T HE HOLIDAYS—roughly that period between Thanksgiving and
CAP JULUCA
The Caribbean remains the epitome of everyone's getaway destina-
tion. And when it comes to the Antilles, lesser is more. On Anguilla, the
northernmost dot of the British Lesser Antilles, is a cluster of five villas
ES with 30 rooms called Cap Juluca. Owners Sue and Robin Ricketts have
= created a Moroccanlike resort on one of the most subdued and remote
\ = of the islands There are no TVs, radios or clocks. Newspapers ате avail-
Ñ able by special arrangement only. Yow're there to cool out in sumptuous
comfort in a surrounding you've had tucked away on a mental postcard.
The most rigorous activity you'll endure is rising late, having break-
fast on the terrace, then wandering off to the beach. Guests congregate
at the restaurant for lunch and dinner. Those who dive, snorkel, fish or
windsail do so without making a big deal of it. First-time visitors take lots
of luggage. Second-time visitors take only carry-on bags. Although the
resort has first-class facilities and a top-rate restaurant, the guests mean-
der about in shorts, T-shirts and sarongs. (continued on page 168)
106
ALERIE GODSOE was a deb. Нег
mother was president of the
Junior League in Toronto. Her
father was a Canadian oil man.
"Valerie was a top athlete and
had a well-put-together little body,
dark hair and large green eyes. She
looked a bit like Natalie Wood. Right
out of college in the early Sixties, Val-
erie got a super job researching and
booking talent on Close-Up, a docu-
mentary television show for the Cana-
dian Broadcasting Corporation. She
even tried out to be the hostess of a talk
show and almost got it. One day, a pro-
ducer showed Valerie a picture of a
blond Dr. Kildare type in a suit, with a
pipe and posing by a ladder. He asked
her, “What do you think of this guy?”
Valerie realized it was a friend of her
brother's. She had never met the boy,
but their families knew each other. His
father was Charles Jennings, The Voice
of Canada, a vice-president of the
CBC. Everyone loved his father. He was
a country gentleman, warm, hand-
some, a big Teddy bear of a man,
tweed jackets, lots of dogs, beautiful so-
cialite wife, money. Peter Jennings was
his mother's darling. His father called
him Golden Boy. Peter even had his
own radio show—Peter's Place—when
he was nine years old. He wrote it with
the family maid and played theme mu-
sic from Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf
and talked with kids. Then he was dee-
jay PJ. with a hit teen-dance-party pro-
gram on TV. So the first thing Peter
did when they were introduced was to
take Valerie down and show her his
Mercedes convertible.
.
When Kati Marton met Peter Jen-
nings 13 years ago, she thought it was
funny: They were both ABC bureau
chiefs (he was London, she was Bonn),
they were both children of journalists
(her mother was О.РІ., her father was
AP), they were both born outside
America (he in Canada, she in Bu-
dapest), they both had had earlier
marriages, they had the same aspira-
tions and values and they had similar
father fixations.
Peter was 40 when they married.
Miss Marton was 30. Success came very
early to Peter. Much, much too early to
Peter, and Miss Marton and the chil-
dren came very late. She does not
think Peter was anchored in his per-
sonal life until he was 40. He was mar-
ried twice before and, you know, lots of
relationships. Some he can't even re-
member, there were so many.
They remember. The ladies remem-
ber!
.
Valerie was amazed at how proud
Peter was of that Mercedes convertible.
Peter always had to have the biggest
peter jennings had the voice. the frame. the ladies.
and my, how those ladies remember
personality
By E. JEAN CARROLL
THE KISS OF THE ANCHOR MAN
toys. And he went after only the top
girls. And Peter wooed Valerie. Wooed
her royally. Called her princess, sent
her love letters, phoned all the time.
Valerie had waited a long time and had
never fallen in love before. But when
she met Peter, she fell out of the tree on
her head. Boom!
Then Peter was hired to be half of
the new anchor team of Canadian tele-
vision. He was 23 years old! Co-anchor
of a national network newscast! When
he and Valerie got engaged, the paper
said, “OTTAWA'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR TO
WED.”
.
Of course, Peter gets short-tem-
pered. So does Miss Marton. They
fight like mad. But God! Miss Marton
finds Peter irresistible! She thinks he is
immensely grateful that he has this
family life. Now Peter's very responsi-
ble in his private life. Very settled. And
Miss Marton thinks that she and the
children, Elizabeth and Christopher, as
a unit, make the rest of his life possible.
And they have a good time. And,
frankly, Miss Marton feels she is up to
the task! Peter can't mess around too
much with Miss Marton! He and Miss
Marton started out as equals, though he
had ten years on her. So it has always
been—intellectually and emotionally—
a totally equal relationship. Miss Mar-
ton thinks Peter was ready for it, but
not a minute before he met her. He
was not ready for a relationship with a
strong, willful woman. Nor was he
ready to be a father. So he got rid of a
lot of bad stuff by the time Miss Marton
and the children came along.
.
Valerie did not have a great honey-
moon. It was only two days, because
Peter begged to be sent away on an as-
signment. They moved to Ottawa and
mostly saw his parents. That year was
nice. They had a boat and a summer
cottage. In the winter, they'd ski. Of
course, Peter was vain. He would
preen. He was a bit of a peacock. He
was a show-off. He was a Leo! He was
the king of the jungle. But it was fun.
Peter even was part of the Miss Canada
Pageant. He was the Bert Parks of the
Far North. He even sang. Deep down
inside Peter, there is a showbiz soul. He
came home with 200 matchboxes with
a beauty queen's photograph on them.
They were everywhere: in his car, in
his drawers...
.
‘To Miss Marton, Peter is a person of
tremendous ego. He has the world at his
feet. Literally. The world. But he
doesn’t want Miss Marton at his feet.
He wants somebody who is going to
give it to him straight and tell him
when his head gets too big, as Miss
Marton does, and keep him honest.
Somebody who essentially has his very
best interests at heart, as Miss Marton
does, and who does not just want to
flatter him, as Miss Marton doesn't. Be-
cause, God, Peter’s flattered! He has so
much flattery!
.
Valerie thinks Peter was quite
confident in those days, except with his
ILLUSTRATION BY WILSON MCLEAN
FEZ TR Oo F
108
father. It always ran through Valerie's
head that Peter was still trying to prove
himself to his father. Honest to God.
Charles Jennings was loving, but he
treated Peter kind of lightly. Today, if
Charles Jennings were alive, he would
be so bloody proud of Peter. But he
wouldn't let him know it. That's the
way Canadians are. Peters father
would no! give him a compliment. It
really is the crux of Peter.
.
In Miss Marton's opinion, the key to
Peter's life is that he dropped out of
high school, and he has spent the rest
of his life compensating for it.
Instead of skiing with Valerie or
driving up to their little cottage, Peter
always wanted to be away on assign-
ment. Going here. Going there. Beg-
ging for assignments on the weekends.
And then he got the offer to go to ABC
in New York. ABC put them in a seedy
little hotel room and Valerie's whole
trousseau was stolen. Peter said to Val-
erie, “Find an apartment! Don't go on
the West Side!” and disappeared. So
Valerie rushed out to look for an apart-
ment and was alone for a week in tears.
She knew New York was going to be
awful. But Peter was so excited, be-
cause they were going to send him all
across the country!
.
Miss Marton thinks that if she were
to go to the telephone right this
minute and say, “Darling, enough! Do
something else. Anchoring World News
Tonight is not good for me, not good for
the kids,” Peter wouldn't for a second
deny her that request. But Peter would
be too intelligent to ask Miss Marton
not to write her books. He'd be bored
with her. He'd hate it if she just looked
after the house and the kids, He loves
hearing about her research. He loves to
hear about the people she has met. He
loves to see her get excited. And that
excitement is a vital part of them. Be-
cause Peter is easily bored. On the other
hand, he has this incredible capacity to
block out everything but the subject in
front of him and just zero in. He loves
meeting new people. Loves to learn
from people. He's an extremely extro-
verted human being. He and Miss
Marton don't walk down the street
without Peter's talking to four or five
people. He's terrifically open to peo-
ple. He has not an ounce of snobbism.
.
Valerie thinks part of the problem
might have been that Peter realized he
was too young to be married. He al-
ways wanted to be away. He was very
ambitious and he wanted to prove
himself. When he went to ABC, the
other reporters thought he was a pret-
ty boy. So one of the first things he
went after was Vietnam. Valerie re-
members seeing a picture in a maga-
zine of him bending over a body.
e
Miss Marton's idea of a blissful
evening is to read a good book with
Mozart playing in the background. Pe-
ter likes to watch hockey, baseball, foot-
ball. Occasionally, he will pick up a
book.
Have you seen Miss Marton’s latest
book, darling? Miss Marton can give
you a copy.
.
Valerie and Peter would be intro-
duced at parties, and that's when she
first thought, Uh-oh! She would just go
to the other side of the room and
wouldn't watch. Because American
women! She couldn't believe it! Cana-
dian women weren't aggressive. But
here! The women took one look at Pe-
ter and that was it! Peter had the
frame. He had the whatever it was.
They gobbled it up. Older women!
Mothers! Bananas for him. Grand-
mothers! Wives! Daughters! He had a
secretary who'd do his shirts. Iron his
shirts! Valerie was flabbergasted. Flab-
bergasted! At the nerve. Barracudas.
Unbelievable! Wife or not, it didn't
matter. “Here's my phone number!”
Ah. And Peter loved it, of course.
That's when he really began to look in
the mirror. And then, of course, she
would read in the paper that Peter was
having a romantic rendezvous with
some blonde TV newswoman. And a
blonde movie star would call: “Is Peter
there?” Wheeeew. And then Valerie
would read that Peter Jennings, the hand-
some ABC correspondent, was a bachelor.
That is when the marriage started to
get a little shaky.
.
When he's on a case, like the house
Miss Marton and he were building in
Bridgehampton, Long Island, he was
on the phone to Miss Marton every
hour. Peter is not the kind of man who
says, “Darling, surprise mel” When
Miss Marton pops into his ABC office
unannounced and he's up to his eye-
balls, he jumps up from his computer,
gives her a big hug, says he’s gotta go
to make-up, and while he’s in the ch:
they fight happily about whether it's
going to be brick or blue stone around
the pool. He was involved in every
bathroom tile. They fight about every-
thing. The chintz. They fight about the
chintz. He is deeply absorbed in the
kids’ schools. He is on every commit-
tee. He is the auctioneer for the school
benefits. Peter has enough energy, in
Miss Marton's opinion, to kill them all.
On vacations, he wants to sail, hike, ski,
scale mountains, and he never sleeps.
At home, the kids like to get into their
bed; they almost always wake up with
four of them in bed.
.
Not even the first year was up and
ABC made him anchor man. It was
1965. He was 26 years old. It was just
after Christmas. He and Valerie dis-
cussed it. He was a bit distraught. He
said, “I'm not ready! It’s ridiculous! 1
want to prove myself first. I don’t want
to just go on the air!” He wasn't pre-
pared. He was insecure. There was
agony. But anyway, he had no choice.
He knew the snide remarks. Cronkite
made a joke about Peter's putting dark
circles under his eyes. And Frank
Reynolds was quite angry about this
hid. And there was all the publicity. He
became an 8"x10" Hollywood glossy.
But he did very well, considering!
P
Miss Marton must say that she is
much thinner now than she was be-
fore. She had always considered her-
self a rather zaftig person. She's 57"
and used to weigh 195 pounds, and if
now she registers 110, that's heavy. She
doesn't want the children to suffer
from having a larger-than-life father,
so she makes a point of keeping her
idenüty very much alive. She wants
them to know that Mom and Dad both
work equally hard and that part of.
Daddy's job is being well known. She
gets a little impatient with the amount
of time that is expended getting atten-
tion. That is not Miss Marton's favorite
thing about this life. The attention!
The sort of artificial attention.
.
Yes, Valerie thinks Peter carried it off
very well. But she was always solidly be-
hind him. They had sort of a buddy
marriage, until she started to get a lit-
de jealous and insecure.
Valerie would just have Peter back
from a trip and all to herself and then a
woman would call in the middle of the
night. “Is Peter there?” Oh, please! So
the marriage had to be uncomfortable
for him. And he'd withdraw into a
mood. So she couldn't communicate.
He was very private. Wouldn't talk
about his emotions. Wouldn't show
them. She threw an ashtray at him
once. Thar's about it, really.
.
Miss Marton was very ambitious in
her 90s. She had one broken marriage
as a result. She had been married to
a perfectly nice Philadelphian with
whom she had gone to graduate
school, and he became an international
banker and she became a hot-shot TV
reporter. and he was the casualty. She
didn’t want that to happen with Peter.
.
Valerie has heard people say that
Kati doesn't give Peter permission to
walk around the block. He seems a bit
(continued on page 114)
“This year 1 became a ueggie.”
109
110
|
BABIES
forget about
fabergé eggs, renaissance
furniture and fine art—big-
buck wheels are the
way to roll
LAST SPRING, at a preview of a Christie's
auction held at New York City’s
Guggenheim Museum, the elegant
crowd of collectors sipped cham-
pagne and buzzed excitedly about
the 1957 Ferrari 315S, showcased like
a prized metal sculpture. A few weeks
later, the gleaming roadster attracted
a bid, which was rejected, of
$8,400,000, at an auction in Monaco.
At a Sotheby's sale held there the
same week, another Ferrari, a 1962
250 GTO Berlinetta, brought in al-
most $11,000,000, including commis-
sion—setting a record price for any
automobile to hit the auction block.
And you thought diamonds were a
good investment.
Valuable cars are hardly a new
phenomenon. From the Twenties on-
ward, wealthy patrons waved blank
modern living
By KEN GROSS
Mercedes-Benz's clossic
540K Cabriolet A is pow
ered by a siroight-eight
engine. With the aid of a
superchorger that blows
through twin corburetors,
this bold machine devel-
ops 180 b.h.p. and, un-
der full occeleration,
emits o piercing bon-
sheelike woil thot quickly
dears the highwoy of
timid drivers. Depending
оп coachbuilder, a Cab-
riolet is worth as much as
$2,500,000; the 540K
Speciol Roadster version
is worth twice that. Own-
er: Thomos W. Barrett Ill,
Barreit-lackson Auction,
Scottsdale, Arizona
A sexy roadster closely
based on Jaguar's le
Mons-winning D-Type
rocers, the 1956 250-
bh. XK-SS was the
hottest street Jaguar of its
time. A trogic fire in
1957 at the Coventry
plont in Englond de-
strayed most af the early
production and tooling,
so only 16 cors were re-
leased. Each sold for
cbaut $10,000. (The
lote ocior Steve Mc-
Queen was on owner) If
you con find on XK-SS,
ifll set you back about
$2,000,000. Owner:
Richard Freshmon of
Chatsworth, Colifarnia.
PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IU
112
checks at an elite cadre ofauto makers who de-
lightedly catered to their whims. The prospec-
tive owner would meet with a coachbuilder,
select a semicustom body from a catalog or
specify a completely original creation, which
was then built to order. Like the lavish estates
and fine jewelry of the art-deco era, flamboy-
ant cars were another way to show off enor-
mous wealth. And, oh, those names; how they
rolled off the tongue, imports such as Rolls-
Royce, Mercedes-Benz, Hispano-Suiza, Alfa
Romeo, Isotta Fraschini, Delahaye and Bugat-
ti. Almost as enthralling were top-of-the-line
domestic models by Packard, Peerless and
Pierce-Arrow, along with the Cords, Marmons,
select Cadillacs, Lincolns and legendary Due-
senbergs. During the Thirties and Forties,
prices of these cars declined.
Until the Fifties, the best cars were usually
traded privately. Prices escalated, but specula-
tion hadn't begun. Buyers were still car collec-
tors, albeit savvy, wealthy ones. Nevada casino
owner Bill Harrah employed agents to bid on
his behalf so car owners would not flagrantly
raise prices. Even when France’s eccentric
Schlumpf brothers came here in 1962 to buy
John Shakespeare's Bugatti collection, which
included a super-rare Type 41 La Royale (one
of six built), prices remained reasonable.
Today, private deals continue to flourish,
but most top sales take place at increasingly
glitzy auctions, where wealthy collectors such
as Domino's Pizza magnate Tom Monaghan
have often bid astronomical sums to the cheers
of astonished onlookers. Overseas, British
firms Christie's, Sotheby's, Coy's, newcomer
Robert Brooks and Geneva's Eric Traber com-
pete fiercely for top cars and the biggest audi-
ences, seeking ever more spectacular venues
and erecting giant TV screens so crowds can
follow the action.
Stateside, one of the biggest names in the
auction scene is the Kruse family of Auburn,
Indiana, whose circuslike tent shows first held
in the early Seventies featured black-tie bark-
ers and pitmen. Like other auctioneers, the
Kruses liked to showcase the classics, but they
also anticipated the demand for Detroit iron of
the Fifties and Sixties. Although not worth mil-
lions, these cars promise tidy sums to be made
from resale, as baby boomers try to recapture
their youth with the wheels from their high
school and college days. The market attracted
its own celebrities, such as Los Angeles Times
owner Otis Chandler, who switched his spe-
cialty to limited-production American muscle
cars, such as the ground-pounding Plymouth
Hemi 'Cudas, (continued on page 210)
Built in а limited edition
for Group B racing and
named after Ferrari's
fomed 250 GTO racer of
the Sixties, Ferrori's 28B
GTO features a 400-
bh.p., twin-turbo VB en-
gine. Only 272 of the
original 288 GTOs were
created for street use.
The original sticker price
in 1984 was $83,400,
plus $1800 for air ond
a radio. When Ferrari
stopped the limited pro-
осоп of the GTO
models, prices skyrocket-
ed. Taday, they trade for
as much as $1,000,000.
Owner: Cris Vandagriff,
Hollywoad Sports Cors,
Hollywood, — Califarnio.
Ford adapted a mid-en-
gined chassis design
from Britain’s Lolo to cre-
сіе the oll-conquering
GT-40 sports coupe. GT-
40s soon beat Ferroris
regularly in roces around
the warld. The high paint
was the GTO-40's 1967
Le Mans win, a feat re-
peated in 1968 and
1969. A street GT-40
went for $16,500 new.
This GT-40 team racing
cor is one cf three
made. Another recently
sold privately for about
$10,000,000. Owners:
Marin Yacaobian ond
Martin Yocoobion, Jr.,
Los Angeles, California.
PLAYBOY
114
THE ANCHOR MAN (continued from page 108)
“Valerie has gone out with tons of men, but nobody
was like Peter. Women threw themselves at him.”
terrified of her. It's amazing! It's unbe-
lievable! Valerie has never heard any-
thing like it! But what's good for the
goose is the gander—maybe Kati went
ош on Peter first (that's what some peo-
ple say) and had the affair with the
Washington Post writer Richard Cohen.
Have you seen that guy? Short and ug-
ly. And it got in all the papers. Then
Peter and Kati had the big separation.
And that got in all the papers. Then
they had the big reconciliation. Well,
maybe they boh had affairs, who
knows? Anyway, they are back togeth-
er, and in Valerie's opinion, Peter
seems to have a pretty great marriage.
Anyhoo, Kati's intelligent. Kept her
maiden name. The whole bit. And she
has his kids, and that is what Peter real-
ly wanted. He was very careful not to
have kids with the first two wives.
That's all Valerie is going to say. (Peter
met Annie, the second wife, the pho-
tographer, the brunette, Lebanese, in
the Middle East. No one knows much
about her.) Peter has affairs with
blondes but marries brunettes. But
Kati’s tough. Peter respects her. Kati
has written a couple of books. She was
ABC's Bonn bureau chief. And she's
dynamite-looking! Young! She certainly
is doing a lot more than Valerie. Val-
erie is only writing her little newspaper
column now, but she used to book tal-
ent for Skitch Henderson, then be-
came a producer at Metromedia, then
did publicity at Revlon, so she isr't to-
tally chopped liver. But how can Peter
be so afraid of Kati that he won't have
even one drink with his old friend?
.
Peter will often shour at Miss Marton
across a dinner party, “Darling!"—you
know, sort of showing off—“who com-
posed opus blah blah blah?” And Miss
Marton will shout back, “Blah blah
blah.” Peter likes to parade Miss Mar-
ton's intelligence and worldliness. All
of that is very important to him. He
loves the fact that Miss Marton is an
author,
.
Valerie broke up with Peter while
she was in love with him. Peter knows
that. Anyway, they separated. Valerie
paid half the bills and got the apart-
ment and the sandbox cofice table. Pe-
ter wanted the sandbox coffee table.
Valerie said, “I did the PR for it! I got it
on Carson! It’s mine! It’s mine!” Then
Peter wanted the apartment. Valerie
said, “I found it, I decorated it, I
knocked the walls down, I paid the
rent; two days later, you went off for
three weeks!”
Since then, Valerie has gone out with
tons of Hollywood actors and lots of
handsome men, but really, nobody ev-
er was like Peter. Nobody. Women just
came up and threw themselves at him.
He didn't even have to make love to
them. He just sort of teased them into
falling in love with him. And once he
got a little acclaim and with his voice
being so magical, he didn’t have to do
anything. Just walk into a room. just
walk into a room!
He used to pull his ear for Valerie
when he was on the air live. He'd send
her a love message. But then he started
going on trips, and when he'd come
back from a trip and pull his ear, Val-
erie knew it was for somebody in At-
lanta or Indianapolis or wherever he'd
just been. Valerie thought, This ear
thing is getting to be a bit of a fetish!
.
But Peter is by no means perfect in
Miss Marton's eyes. He's on overload
all the time. He can be very absent-
minded. Miss Marton gets annoyed
with him for that. Yes, of course, Pe-
ter's a vain person. Yes, and, well, Miss
Marton is vain, too! She doesn't trust
anybody who's not vain. And Peter has
Plenty to be vain about. He's a very
good-looking man, with a very healthy
appetite for life. And he's giving this
job everything he has. But there's a
whole other life seething beneath the
surface. And Miss Marton hopes he
gets on with that life, too. Naturally, he
is vain about his professional abilities.
He should be. Proud is what Miss Mar-
ton means. He can go on the air with
five seconds’ notice and make sense
out of nonsense. He doesn't speak
down and he doesn’t put on airs. He
was young enough at 25 10 start from
scratch when he quit as anchor the first
time. And he was old enough to realize
that he didn’t want to make it on his
pretty face, like all those blow-dried
jobs—and maybe this comes from his
father, or maybe it just comes from
him, Miss Marton doesn't know—he
wanted to make it as a really good re-
porter. His career was made in Saudi
Arabia and Jerusalem. That's what he
wants to be known as: a reporter. He
never identifies himself as an anchor
man. The bottom line on Peter, in Miss
Marton's opinion, is that he is a very
decent man. He has a very nice attitude
about his fellow man. He has a great
sense of public service, which he got
from his mother. He comes from a very
old, solid, affluent family. He believes
that if you are lucky, you make sure
you give part of it back. Miss Marton
thinks Peter is one of the great men. He
is one of the most uncynical persons
Miss Marton has ever met. Alan Paku-
la, the director, calls Peter an “inno-
cent.”
.
Anyhoo, Valeric wants to get mar-
ried again. Oh, well, she hopes! If any
woman is created to live with a man, it's
Valerie Jennings! She's made the old-
fashioned way. She loves cooking. She
loves to look after a man and pack his
clothes. And she's more secure now.
Valerie doesn’t think Kati knows
this, but after Peter and Kati had their
first baby, Elizabeth, Peter took her
over. In the pram! To show her to Val-
erie! And Elizabeth was so beautiful!
But Valerie had mixed feelings. Peter
cared enough to show Elizabeth to her,
yet it broke her heart, of course.
е
It's odd, but to Valerie, Peter wasn't
sexy. See, to Valerie, Peter wasn't
earthy. Peter was pristine. Really. Pris-
tine. Shy. Very virginal. Peter was a
more pristine kisser than anybody else
Valerie has ever been out with. He was
kind of old fashioned. He was a bit
pristine back then. She means kissing.
He didn't kiss Valerie with the earthy
lust that everyone else did.
.
Once upon a time, Peter Jennings
was wealthy, handsome and raking like
the blazes.
“I was born,” says Jennings, “and
raised in sort of a partly urban but also
semirural Canada, where the Scots-
Irish work ethic was very strong. І am
the son of a very accomplished broad-
casting father, whom I admired im-
mensely and probably to this day think I
haven't passed, though in some ways,
Гуе clearly passed. That is not an ad-
mission I am quite comfortable in mak-
ing to myself. . . . My mother is a
woman of immense charm and from a
much better family, socially, than my fa-
ther was. Scottish. But she felt much
more comfortable in my father's milieu
than she did in her father's milieu. I in-
herited from her a tiny measure of so-
cial grace that 1 might not have got
otherwise. .. . I have a very limited edu-
cation, so at the age of, I don't know,
nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, some-
where in there, 1 decided, Holy Jesus! 1
better get going here, or Im going to
be digging ditches. When I was grow-
ing up, digging ditches was regarded
as the worst possible thing you could
do. It’s interesting that Dan Rather's
(continued on page 226)
РА
“Соте јот Christmas brunch, Uncle Scrooge! Нош does а glass
of bubbly and a flaming raspberry tart sound?”
115
116
in the spirit
of glasnost,
raise a toast
to premium
vodka
GLAS
ACT
drink By JOHN OLDCASTLE
IMPROVED RELATIONS between the Soviets
and the Americans give George Bush
and Mikhail Gorbachev ample reason
to toast peace and good will this holi-
day season. And what better spirit for
such a toast than vodka? Its origin is in
eastern Europe, but its popularity is
now global. In fact, the thirst for and
production of vodka have become so
widespread that many world leaders
can salute their counterparts with vod-
kas made in their own countries. Pre-
mium imported and domestic vodkas
are more varied in their types, styles
and tastes than ever before and have
replaced vodka's image as merely the
alcohol in a screwdriver or a bloody
mary.
Packaged in stunning molded-glass
bottles and backed by advertising cam-
paigns that emphasize the glorious tra-
ditions of fine vodka making, these top
vodkas (some of which didn't even
exist until the (continued on page 220)
118
RUFF HAD BEEN married to
Rose Helen 36 years. What
was he, 22 when he mar-
ried her? Just a kid. And
Rose Helen, 60 now—60, Jesus!—had
been 24. Jesus! too, as far as that was
concerned. Because hadn't a deep part
of her attraction been, as, God help
him, it was something of an aversion
now, those two extra years she had on
him, as if she lived in a distant, telling
time zone, coming to him, it could be,
from alien geography, bringing alien
geography, the covered flesh she'd not
permitted him to see
until their wedding
night and teased him
with—only it was noth-
ing nearly so playful as
teasing—denying him
its light even then,
granting him access to
her only beneath the sheet and thin
cover in the darkened room. The mys-
terious functions of her moving parts
as much mysterious. Allowed to bring
away with his eyes, like some impinged
victor of guarded rewards, only what
he could make out in that hobbled,
weiglued light. Only what lie felt on his
lips, the moistened tips of her pow-
dered, perfumed nipples in licked con-
junction with his moving, frantic
tongue, a thick, yielded chemistry of a
clayey, bridal milk. The source of her
sweet and sour odors protected as the
upper reaches of some under Nile.
And what Druff was able to take away
with him on his fingers, lifted like
fingerprints from that dark and
solemn scene.
he cajoled, wheedled,
fawned and flattered,
argued, pleaded and
begged. but rose
helen always said no
Things were different then. At least
for Druff. Well, give him credit, for
others, too. This was the early Fifties.
A time of girdled sexuality. If you
knocked someone up, you married her
as much to make an honest man of
yourself as an honest woman of the
girl. Guil was champ. He hadn't
thought the belt would ever change
hands, though now he knew it had all
been so much magic, the superstitious
flimflam of conspired fears; he'd been
squeezed through the cracks by his
times, assigned, like others of his gen-
eration, high-flown at-
tributes to what was
mere rumor, the prose
of innocence, the hype
of “upbringing.”
And now recalled
how he'd met her,
how it had been on
just such an almanac occasion as those
he'd lived by for years. On a pseudo
holiday, Sadic Hawkins Day, named
from a comic strip, a day of suspended
decorums, when the girls “chased” the
boys, were permitted to ask them on
dates, make first moves. Only even that
didn't happen, or happened timidly,
some mistletoe indulgence that would
never stand up in court, all of them
playing a Mardi Gras in the head.
In some gymnasium now forgotten.
But, though this may only have been
his politicals speaking, instincts of the
retrograde enhanced, he seemed to re-
member bunting. (Perhaps it was a
function where Republicans asked
Democrats to dance.) Well, it was gone.
But in a gym (continued on page 160)
fiction By STANLEY ELKIN
THE
MACGUFFIN
ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY
CELEBRITY
c А ROD S
HOLIDAY GREETINGS
FROM THE GREAT AND
THE GRIEVOUS Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost ripping off your nose.
Although we could die any time, шапу ways,
By ROBERT S. WIEDER Merry Chris—— What's that noise?
— STEPHEN KING
Openly displaying the
To strangers in ret
ing in a stable with E
Sounds perverted to me
But t rd wa
I guess we've got to go
SENATOR JESSE HELMS
ON THE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEYS,
I WILL NOT BE ISSUING ANY GREETINGS
OR OTHER COMMENTS
REGARDING THESE
OR ANY OTHER HOLIDAYS THAT INVOLVE influenced by Mr. Keating’s card.)
THE EXCHANGE OF GIFTS OR REMUNERATIONS.
— CHARLES H. KEATING, JR.
That goes for me, too.
(Though I was in no way
— SENATOR ALAN CRANSTON
In the spirit of these cherished holidays,
It’s my wish that the coming year brings you love
(Until your wife finds out about your girlfriend),
And joy
(Until the media turn on you),
And prosperity
(Until the banks break your balls).
Season’s greetings to you and yours
(I lost most of mine).
— DONALD TRUMP
Ws time for some greetings,
So Jef’s get busy.
May your holidays all
Be bright and fizzy.
May they not go flat
Like the haircuts I wear
Or like some of the interviews
1 do on the air.
May they bring you much joy,
May they bring you the best.
May your happiness grow
Like La Toya’s chest.
May your Christmas get ratings
That go through the roof.
And as for your New Year's:
Woof! Woof! Woof!
——ARSENIO HALL
We could make a Christmas album,
But it wouldn't sound right
When we work two “motherfuckers”
Into O Holy Night.
Still, we got some Christmas thoughts
We'd like to lay upside your head,
Like “Jesus was a righteous act,
But, shit, the dude be dead.”
Yeah, we got some Christmas thoughts,
And home boy, they ain’t frail.
But the Man says we'll get busted
If we send them through the mail.
—2 LIVE CREW
PEACE ON EARTH
(BUT NOT TO THE EXTENT OF MAKING RASH,
PRECIPITOUS CUTS IN MILITARY SPENDING.)
— SECRETARY OF DEFENSE RICHARD CHENEY
ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVE BRODNER.
122
21st CENTURY
morgan has the body beautiful
for the nineties and beyond
N THE not-so-distant future, when genetic
engineers begin designing a human chassis,
Morgan Fox may find work as the blueprint.
Miss December's nearly six-foot frame is cra-
dled by toned muscle groups she tends daily
in the British Columbia gym where she works
as a personal trainer. When this energetic
sportswoman says, “I love cardio,” she’s not
talking of some lost Italian love but of her pas-
sion for cardiovascular exercise. She also skis
(‘I taught myself,” she says of her latest kick,
slalom racing. “It’s pretty easy”). As a youngster
in Kamloops, B.C., she was a rodeo contestant
(steer roping, barrel racing) and she still rides
Scooter, a quarter horse/Thoroughbred cross-
breed, regularly. And every day, without fail,
she goes through her paces at the gym: warm-
up stretches, stationary biking, weight training,
making the machine circuit, sit-ups, leg
lifts—you name it. “I like to push myself to the
limit,” she says, “just to see what I can do.”
At 18, Morgan ware the crown of Miss World Canada and traveled to London and Spain ta represent her homeland. She took her beau-
ty queendom lightly—it hadn't been a lifelang goal—and enjoyed her royal romp. "I was lying on a beach in Malaga with eighty-seven
gorgeous women from around ће world,” she says. “It was wonderful. | learned o lot just by talking with them about their countries.” 125
126
PHOTOGRAPHY BY
STEPHEN WAYDA
“Physical fitness and exercise have been
my life since | was a little girl,” says Mor-
gon. "I can't imagine nat caring about my
body and net caring for my body. If 1 don't
exercise, | find | get totally stressed."
“When I was fifteen, all my little girlfriends were like, "Oh, Morgan! You're still a virgin! You can't be like this!’ All thot tee-heeing and
carrying on seemed so silly to me. | thought, Forget it. I'm waiting for somebody speciol.” Her king-sized prince—a former Mr. Canodo
bodybuilder—hos orrived at last and duly swept her off her feet (one-honded, no doubt). They plon to wed on Volentine's Doy 1991
1838W3930 SSIW
PLAYMATE DATA SHEET
NAME: AOTAN FOX
BUST: © msr: OU ums: 34.
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BIRTE DATE: ru 2€, 1970 smrt TACE: PENCE _ GEORGE, Bl. _
AMBITIONS: 15 become a successful artvess and
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PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES
After having a few too many and staying out a
little too late, the man headed home, trying des-
perately to come up with a plausible to tell
he had not recently used.
Still groping for an explanation as he ap-
proached his house, the fellow hoped that his
wife was asleep, Just as he turned the doorknob,
however, she yanked the door open, causing him
to fall at her feet. "What do you have to say for
yourself?" she bellowed.
At this point,” he said, “I would like to
pense with my previously prepared ksa
simply addr
tera
vigorous bout of lovemaking,
“Well, ahem, I'm not sur
emotional commitment—thou
noting her d
the greatest seven seconds of my life.
Im ready for an
he continued,
nywhere
We hear that when you buy a toaster
in Texas, you get a free savings and loan.
While leading a flock of his parishioners on a
trip to Hawaii, a minister began to irritate some
of the travelers with his overbearing and patron-
izing manner. In the midst of his hundredth lec-
ture on the flora and fauna of the Big Island, one
vacationer finally interrupted him. “Pastor,” he
said, “you keep referring to the island as Ha-
wai. Isn't the correct pronunciation Ha-vai-i?"
The minister insisted his pronunciation w
correct and the argument went back and forth
for an hour. Finally, the group stopped for lunch.
Dur waitress is a native.” the minister said
mugly “Lets ask Aer" In his usual deliberate
manner and in exaggerated clarity, he asked the
waitress to slowly pronounce the name of wh
they wer
Very slowly and equally distinctly, she
swered, “Tac-oh-bell.*
n walked up to the counter of an auto-parts
сизе me,” he said, “Td like to get a n
r my Yugo.”
the clerk replied
sounds like a f
Classified ad spotted in a local newspaper: "For
sale; Complete set of Encyclopaedia. Britannica.
Never been used. Wife knows everything."
White applying her make-up at a vanity table
woman caught the reflection of her husband in
bed with an enormous erection. Quickly throw-
ing off her robe, she jumped into bed and nuz-
Шей up.
1 thought you were going to church," he said.
“The Catholic Church will be there forev
she purred, "but you can never tell about a
Protestant prick.”
Oh, now we get it. George Bush was saying,
Read my lips: Know new taxes!"
The town curmudgeon was bitten by a dog and
consulted his attorney. “Harvey, the dog's a stray,
so we dont have a lawsuit,” the lawyer said. "But
in case of rabies, I would suggest that you make
outa will.
The crusty old man took pen and paper and
scratched away for hours. Finally, the atiorne
commented, “Thats an awfully long will for
man of few assets.”
“Damn, | havent even started the will yet,
Harvey snorted. “This is a list of the people 1
plan to bite
very
hand-polished glass and
erything looks fuzzy
served in
finished, ev
The bell sounded at the end of the fourth round
and the fighter returned to his corner dazed and
weary. "He's barely laid a glove on you!” his man-
ager hollered
“Yeah? Well, you better watch the ref, then,”
the boxer replied, “cause somebody's beating
the hell out of me.”
Thirty seconds into the next round, the out-
classed fellow was knocked down. "Dont get up
till eight!" his corner man yelled.
The boxer slowly lifted his head off the canvas.
"OK," he said. “What time is it now?
Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy,
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Што
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.
“1 heard the whole Christmas concept was put together years
ago in somebody’s garage in Bethlehem.”
135
BEST
GIFTS
EVER
GIVEN
got the
shopping jitters?
here are some great ideas
from the folks who
wouldnt have
Leen caught dead giving a
tie and sweater
humor
зе By KEVIN COOK
H WAD SOME POWER the giftie gie
us,” Robert Burns wrote two
centuries ago, “to see oursels as
others see us!” More important
in these fey Nineties is making others
see us the way we fancy ourselves.
Damn the self-scrutiny; we want shiny
stuff—Maserati, Tiffany, Rolex and
Ping. But Burns, who in 1792 gave his
wife a poem, knew something we've
forgotten. The best gifts are personal—
they assert the uniqueness of giftie and
giftee alike. See for yourself.
EVE
To: Adam
From: God
Date: January 8, 1,000,000 в.с.
Value: Infinite
After He made the heavens, earth,
whales and creeping things, God made
little green apples and—in His own im-
age—man. Then, thinking that unless
His image were woolly, He didn’t want
man lying down with any lambs, He
slipped Adam a mickey. The Lord God
caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam .
took one of his ribs... made He a woman
and brought her unto the man. This was
His best creation. Still, although the
match was made in heaven, there was
friction from day one. On Monday
nights, Adam wanted to sit around the
garden drinking beer, watching the fal-
cons and the bears. Eve wanted to try a
new place to eat. She won. A & E's taste
test got them kicked out of Eden, but
the Lord went down in prehistory as
the first great gift giver.
HAGAR
To: Abraham
From: Sarah
Date: 1913 вс.
Value: Мапу goats
Childless at 85, Abram was starting
to wonder about God's promise to
make his heirs as numerous as the
stars. His wife, Sarah, assuming in
those days before sperm counts that
the fault was hers, offered her hand-
maid Hagar, a ripe young Egyptian.
“Go in unto my maid. Go on. Am I
stopping you?" said Sarah. Hagar's not
horrible, thought Abram as her pyra-
mids beckoned. And Sarah gave her to
her husband, Abram, to be his wife. And he
went in unto Hagar, and she conceived.
Hagar's child Ishmael would go on to
star in Moby Dick. As for Abram, his
seed populated the world and eventu-
ally produced Sandy Koufax. Hagar
made a run to the border of Canaan,
but the one-night stand was so good
for Abram that he got an extra “ha” in
his name.
ILLUSTRATION BY MALCOLM TARLOFSIY
THE HANGING GARDENS OF
BABYLON
To: Amytis
From: Nebuchadnezzar
Date: 600 вс.
Value: Slaves’ lives
Nebuchadnezzar was supposedly
nuttier than date cake, as you might be
if your name meant "Oh, Nabu, pro-
tect my boundary stone," but the war-
rior king of Babylon outsmarted the
Egyptians, the Elamites and the steel-
belted Tyres in battle, and he knew
how to treat a lady. Queen Amytis
came from the rival kingdom of Media.
Pining for her homeland's green hills,
she drove Nebuchadnezzar crazy
(“That's no drive, it's a putt,” Babylo-
nian wags said) until he built her a vast.
network of terraced gardens. The
queen's memento verde, irrigated by wa-
ter pumped from the Euphrates
through stone pipes, became one of
the Seven Wonders of the World. If
1000 slaves died building it, there were
always more. There were only seven
wonders, and Amytis’ gardens put
Egypt's dumb Sphinx to shame. The
Babylonian royal couple's back yard
would not be topped until French
show-off Louis XIV built Versailles 22
centuries later.
ANEW WORLD
To: Ferdinand and Isabella
From: Columbus
Date: April 1493
Value: 1,500,000 maravedis
King Ferdinand was busy creating
modern Spain. Queen Isabella, who
bore an uncanny resemblance to Al-
fred Hitchcock, needed her beauty
sleep. So when ex-pirate Christopher
Columbus presented his plan to con-
vert and subdue distant lands, they
kicked him out on his tricorn hat
“Then they changed their minds. Co-
lumbus got his maravedis—copper
coins similar to pennies but with Ferd
as the head—and sailed the ocean
blue. Two months later, he claimed the
New World for Spain's first family. He
totaled the Santa Maria off Haiti but on
April 4, 1493, made it back to Barce-
lona for a hero's welcome. Columbus’
later expeditions were pocked by dis-
ease, mutinies and lost chances. Oth-
er explorers would plant the Spanish
flag on the American mainland. “All
made fun of my plan then,” Columbus
grumbled in his old age. “Now even
tailors wish to discover.”
(continued on page 224)
ELIZABETH PERKINS
lizabeth Perkins is all mouth and mis-
chief. For fun, she scares the hell out of
her cats and records the terror on home
videos. When David Letterman caught her
wiping her nose on camera, she beamed and
suppressed the urge to transfer the bounty of
her sinuses onto his sleeve. “It would have
been a riot,” she says. She has even suggest-
ed on network interviews that the Bible may
haue been writen by early derelicts with
drool problems. Playfulness suits her. As a
film actress, she is equally a caution: Her
looks smolde her sensibility froths. In
“Big,” as a corporate harpy with soul, she
bounced on Tom Hanks's trampoline and
later sweetly corrupted his virginity. Besides
Hanks, she has played the girl to other over-
grown boys, such as Jeff (“Sweethearts
Dance”) Daniels and Judge (the upcoming
“Enid Is Sleeping”) Reinhold. She is gal to
the galoots, which should encourage much
of mankind. Currently, she appears in Bar-
ту Levinson's “Avalon” as a first-generation
American Jew, even though she is Greek.
She recalls, "I said to Barry, ‘Why didn't
ou cast a Jew?" He said, ‘Because you look
like a Jew. I said, ОК"
Her house looks like her: bright, elegant,
saucy (on display are many antique toys, in-
cluding her prized set of vintage Old Maid
playing cards). We visited the Perkins domicile,
fucked into the leafy Los Angeles neighborhood
of Hancock Park, where we discovered her
amid two cats; her boyfriend, Maurice
Phillips, who wrote and directed “Enid Is
Sleeping”; pols of coffee; and the haze of her
cigarette smoke, which envelops her always, as
though she were a
7, Forties
hollywood's а which so could
newest steam- — Jew been and Des
stress explains Grauer she says,
nakî сој a bit. “Not a
her fascination EU e у,
with psycho 1 ar = ы
reach for a light, No-
murderers, Why огу could touch her
women look for “2°
the soft spot in ES А
тлүвсү: Your fam-
hard men, and iy name is actually
Pisperikos. What
shares her braga eier ithe
stupid human — Greek in you? _
PERKINS: [Smiles]
tricks
PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK HANAUER
Sex. When I think
Greek, 1 think of
passion and tem-
per. I'm not quick
toanger. I'ma builder. But when I final-
ly cross over that line, um, I yell at my
boyfriend. I throw and break things. I've
picked up a forty-five-pound chair and
hurled it across the room. If there’s one
thing human beings are put on this earth
to do, it's to have their egos defiated. And
throw chairs.
2
pLavsow: You grew up on a farm in Ver-
mont. Can girls enjoy milking cows as
much as men? Give us the udder truth.
rerxins: Well, an udder is just a large
breast. Our farm didn't have milk cows.
But I worked on a dairy farm and milked
a cow there. I found it to be extremely
wonderful and therapeutic. There's this
symbiosis between the milker and the
milkee: Cows have to be milked. And
they know that. You're not going against
their will—you're helping them. So they
see you coming. When the milking's over,
they're very happy, because they are un-
comfortable when they need to be
milked. It’s comical, because people in
America don’t know how to deal with a
tit. Atıt's kind of like a big thing in Amer-
ica. A cow teat is just a little bigger.
3.
PLAYBOY: What do your cats know about
you that no one else knows?
PERKINS: What I’m like when I cry. My cat
Ann responds quicker to my crying than
anybody. Cats are people in little fur
suits. Ann is sort of confident and sleek
and well traveled. Nothing bothers her
and she’s there for people. Olive is a bit
sickly, strikes out when she’s mad, kind of
aloof and not particularly affectionate.
She doesn't do anything well. Sometimes
I feel like Ann's my up days and Olive's
my down days. Most impressive of all,
whenever I start whisding the theme to
The Andy Griffith Show, Ann'll come over.
[Whistles slowly; Ann slinks over, mewing and
nipping at her owner’s ankles.) It only works
with Mayberry. Sec, I get these little sali-
va bites, I think she was Goober in anoth-
er life.
4
PtAYsov: With which of Mayberry's citi-
zenry do you most closcly identify, and
why?
perkins: Opie. Because it wasn't Opie's
fault that he was in Mayberry. Everybody
else chose to be there, but Opie's fate was
predestined. And Opie always kind of
had a wide-eyed vision of life and his in-
посепсе was always under siege. Aunt
Bee could have left if she wanted. So
could Goober. So could Andy Only
Gomer and Barney ever got out.
5.
рілувоу: You were once expelled from
boarding school. What were your great
moments in teen insubordination?
PERKINS: It’s not hard to get expelled
from most Eastern boarding schools, es-
pecially if you're born an artist. 1 was a
rebel. I did not attend class regularly.
‘Teachers would ask me questions and I
would say, "I'm sorry, I don't want to an-
swer” They'd say, “Do you know the an-
swer?” and I'd say, "Yes, but I don't fecl
like sharing.” I would do anything for at-
tention, because 1 was born an actress. I
used to hop trains, smoke marijuana in
the bathroom, steal English muffins from
the dining hall—for which I was sus-
pended. The Northfield Mount Hermon
School was a six-thousand-dollar-a-year
prep school and they suspended me for
stealing English muffins! The only rea-
son I was stealing them was that I wanted
to have food in my room so I could study
for an exam. Even though I was kicked
out, I am now one of the distinguished
alumnae. But the big clincher—and my
reason for getting kicked out—was a
phone call three other girls and I made
tothe infirmary. We were in the third day
of final exams and strung out on coffee
and cigarettes. We hated the nurse at the
infirmary, because she was this big fat
woman, with a Lina Wertmüller look on
her face. And she hated all of us. You'd
go in with bad period cramps and she'd
say [nastilj], "Go to gym anyway.” So we
called her at three in the morning and I
said, “I took this great peyote. The colors
are brilliant. I'm so high right now I can't.
even see straight. And I love ya! I'd love
to look at your fat, smug face.” So we
hang up. This woman calls the president
of the school at three o'clock in the morn-
ing and says, “I think you should have an
all-school search. There's a kid tripping
ош on drugs and we've got to find her."
So everybody's room is scarched—vhich
resulted in about four or five people be-
ing busted for having sex, smoking
cigarettes, drinking beer. The next day,
one of the girls in our foursome felt so
guilty that she turned me in. She didn't
turn herself in; she turned me in. And I
got blamed for the whole thing. Then I
sealed my fate when I was called in to
face a dean who had the worst body
odor of any man I've ever smelled in
my life. He (continued on page 193)
133
GIBBERISH
PHIPPS TOLD HIS BOSS
EXACTLY WHAT HE
THOUGHT—AND IT DID HIM
NOTHING BUT GOOD
NLESS HE SPENT the night with a
woman and thus was obliged to
make small talk in the morning,
Ken Phipps's breakfast companion
was the radio, tuned to an all-news
station, but it was routine for him
(unless some major catastrophe
was being reported for the first time) to
ignore the meaning of what was said while
taking comfort from the sound of the hu-
man voice. He had usually caught the 11-
o'clock TV news the night before. It was
rare that anything happened overnight.
This phase of his existence had contin-
ued to be orderly even when others went
awry. Recently, he had been having trou-
ble with the super of his apartment; he
had had a falling out with his only broth-
er, had broken up with still another girl-
friend. But the breakfast-time ritual of
playing the radio while not listening to it
ad been reassuringly maintained .. . un-
ul the morning at hand, when for what
seemed no reason at all, Phipps suddenly
took interest, or tried to, in a news report
about an occurrence in—that was just the
problem. He could make no sense of it.
“Tenig pobed decisionally volatilitude,
dowd happnil, be sprang. Than Merton-
why Funchin, Rupeeble Don Grodwin.”
The last few sounds were given the tone
and rhythm of a geographical name—
perhaps. Beyond that suggestion Phipps
could not go. He thumped his temple
with the heel of his hand. Maybe water
from the shower was still in his ear.
He twisted the dial to another station
and there found an improvement that, ac-
cording to the angle of interpretation,
could be either significant or slight. He
could at least assume that a sportscaster
was reporting the results of the baseball
games of the day before. A desultory fan
except when his favorite team was in a
pennant race, Phipps usually heard the
fiction
so BY THOMAS BERGER
ILLUSTRATION BY CHARLES BRAGG
PLAYBOY
142
scores in a distracted state that permit-
ted him only occasionally to note a
strenuous effort to avoid repeating the
obvious verbs. Thus if the Yankees beat
the Red Sox, and the Mets lost to the
Cards, the Cubs must win over the
Reds, while the Twins bested the A's. Be-
yond that point, the terms grew more
rarefied. One team might, were the
score sufficiently unbalanced, devastate
or hand a shellacking to another. When
one team had chalked up no runs what-
ever, never having even gotten on the
board, it could be said to have been
skunked, with a score of zip.
But what he was hearing at this mo-
ment were the results of games be-
tween teams the names of which were
unprecedented as designations for ma-
jorleague clubs. The “Spawn” had
“emballoted” the "Hings." The “Jillies”
were “oxwalled” by the “Bidwangers.”
Who had won in a contest between the
“Dunktoms” and the “Kalikinlogs” he
had no means of knowing, not being
able to identify the verb, in pronounc-
ing which the commentator had used
guttural effects forcign to English.
Had the material world not been al-
together in order, Phipps might have
been in panic at this point But the
toast, made from a high-nutrient
mulügrained loaf, was nevertheless
delicious for a change; the honey
exquisite, though coming not from the
thyme-soued bees of Provence or an=
other exotic meadow but being, rather,
the familiar old supermarket brand;
the mocha-Java a first-rate brew as al-
ways; and suddenly, even the sun did
the cheery thing and broke through
the overcast.
The obvious solution to the problem
of the radio was to switch it off. Phipps
had long since learned that there were
only the tiniest handful of true emer-
gencies about which something must
promptly be done: fire, choking, gush-
ing blood and a few others. Beyond
those obvious and, if allowed to persist,
irreversible situations were the partial
or limited crises, those inflated by per-
sons with axes to grind, or the down-
right pseudo problems so convenient
for the use of TV newscasters: the
probability of flooding if enough rain
fell, the alarming rise in the price of
prunes and, of course, the wind-chill
factor.
On the bus ride to work, Phipps typ-
ically exchanged conversation with no
one. A mutually maintained silence
was nowadays the most civilized ar-
rangement one could expect in public.
In the same spirit, he usually managed
even to avoid overhearing the conver-
sations of other passengers, if such
there were in his vicinity. But on the
morning at hand, he was not so fortu-
nate—or deft. The two persons in the
seat just ahead of him were arguing.
He could hear them very clearly, yet
what they said had no meaning for
him. If they were speaking in a foreign
language, he could not identify it even
by family: Latin, Slavic, Oriental. . . .
“Bet hunan vilmin hupergong bub-
file,” said the woman, whose hair was
short and cut smartly above small but
assertive earrings.
“Bay” answered the man, “dinsel
topjaw pinjatorial, humper, pinjam
pinjallow, kipness." He had projecting
ears. He seemed to have the calmer
side of the dispute, but perhaps Phipps
made that assumption only because
this male voice was richer and much
deeper than that of this woman—not
always necessarily the case: His own
had a nasal quality (starding to himself
when he heard it on tape).
He decided that for his peace of
mind, he would not listen to anything
anyone said on the elevator ride to his
office, and this proved more or less
possible, except for the times he was
asked to give way to permit the exit of
certain fellow passengers deboarding
on lower floors. Undoubtedly, the
terms they used were those routine to
civilized social intercourse— "please,"
"excuse me" and the like—but the
words he actually heard were unfamil-
iar: "binkho," for example, "ranchly"
and "veemhard."
Therefore, he felt fortunate that the
young woman at the reception desk of
the firm for which he worked was dis-
tracted by a phone call just as he ap-
peared, and he gained entrance to the
office with no more than an exchange
of loose-wristed waves.
He was less lucky in the case of his
colleague Burt Wyman, just back from
a midseason vacation, sporting high fa-
cial color, a belt that had gained a
notch and a pair of shoes made from a
hide of unusual grain, perhaps reptil-
ian, but if so, from a serpent unfamiliar
to Phipps, and given the incomprehen-
sible identification made by Wyman, he
might never know the name, unless
there were a lizard called “feemjohn.”
But that was only one of the words
employed by Wyman, who spoke in the
rapid rhythm of high spirits, and
Phipps, understanding none, found
that it was, however, not unbearable to
listen to an account he knew by prece-
dent would have bored him terribly
had he been able to understand the
language in which it was spoken,
Wyman being notorious for telling,
with great energy, stories that had no
point unless one was a member of his
family: Kids lost expensive sunglasses,
picnics on the edge of disaster were
saved when a nearby group had mayo
to lend, distant acquaintances were en-
countered by chance in souvenir shops
far from home.
Having only just reached his cubicle
and hung the jacket of his suit on the
coat-tree, Phipps heard a sharp rap on
the clear glass wall to his left. It was his
immediate superior, Mel Fallon, in a
suit that, as usual, fit much better than
sandy toupee. Fallon was giving
him the thumb and wore an expres-
sion from which it could be inferred
that an unpleasant interview was immi-
nent, one that might well be nightmar-
ish if Fallon's side of it was couched in
more of the gibberish Phipps had
heard since breakfast.
Although having summoned him
not 20 seconds earlier, Fallon, now be-
hind his desk, first pretended he had
not noticed Phipps's arrival. Then,
when eventually he lifted his head
from the papers before him, he began
what Phipps, not able to understand a
word of it, could only assume was a fu-
rious complaint, punctuated occasion-
ally by violent stabs with a rigid
forefinger into the air between them.
Phipps could not imagine what he
had done or failed to do that called for
such an outburst. His own anger began
to grow. He was not a criminal. And
Fallon was not judge or jury, nor, for
that matter, was he in a position of
supreme power. In their division alone
were several men and one woman who
outranked him. Furthermore, he was
not that good at his job, his successful
ideas generally having been provided
by Phipps (without credit), whereas
those exclusively his own were wont to
fail. Actually, the guy was a jerk, a fake,
a clown, and though he might have the
power to arrange for Phipps's dis-
charge, it would provide great satisfac-
tion to return his attack.
“All right, that's enough! Now it's my
turn, you bastard.” This was what
Phipps intended to say. What emerged,
however, was something else, a series
of words quite as incomprehensible as
those that had been addressed to him.
But Fallon suddenly stopped scowl-
ing, looked pensive for a moment, nar-
rowing his eyes and holding his head
at the angle of a curious dog. then
cleared his throat and said something a
good deal more gentle than his previ-
Ous rant.
For his own part, having got the
feeling toward Fallon off his chest and
survived, Phipps became more diplo-
matic. He was trying to craft a state-
ment that would combine a kind of
apology with a sort of sense of pride
when Fallon rose, came around the
desk and indicated that Phipps should
follow him.
Down the hall they went and turned
(continued on page 154)
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“We've never regretted relocating to California!”
A FIELD GUIDE TO THE
BIRDS OF
celebrating the
creqtures
who make the
sceptered isle
sizzle
PHOTOGRAPHY BY BYRON NEWMAN
HE BRITISH are known for
many things: their rainy climate,
their excellent butlers, their be-
sieged but enduring monarchy,
the quirky personal habits their
gentlemen acquire at those so-
called public schools, the bland-
ness of their cuisine and the
warmth of their beer. What they
have not previously been known
for in the Colonies is the beauty
of their women. Face it; while
Prime Minister Thatcher is an
able statesperson, she could walk
down the street without causing
the casual passer-by to suffer
whiplash. But Byron Newman,
noted London photographer
and bird watcher extraordinaire,
Knows where to find beauty in
Britain. Here he has assembled
examples of pulchritudinous
plumage in their natural habitat:
at work and play, going about
their business. You will see the
fruits of a proud history of em-
pire. Here are women with
whom we, as Americans, share
common goals, if not always a
common language. Our fathers
and grandfathers fought side by
side so that we might have the
freedom to get to know one an-
other. Let's not disappoint them.
Patriotism comes in many forms and
is expressed both solemnly and with
exuberance. Here, the Union Jack,
that curiously pleasing geometry of
right angles split in twa, is being
hoisted ta catch the stiff and salty
breeze of North Atlontic freedoms.
145
One of the most closely guarded se-
crets of the British Empire is that no
one, in fact, knows how to play
cricket. Batsmen merely acknowl-
edge thot it is an activity during
which one’s wicket becomes sticky
{far left). Sheepherding (near left)
has olways been an important activ-
ity in Britain. From those lambs are
woven those intricately distracting
sweaters. And everybody knows
croquet (belaw) is the entire point of
ever bothering to mow your lawn.
The British go bonkers over horse
rocing (overleaf)—for no logicol
reason. On Derby day, they dress up
in their Wednesday best, get
swacked on premium champagne,
drive their fonciest cars, pork on the
sod, pop open the trunk—sorry,
boot—munch on those teensy little
sandwiches with the crusts cut off
and watch very carefully where they
place their well-polished shoes. It's
a question of breeding, of form over
function, Plus, there's that betting.
147
Winston Churchill ushered the Em-
pire through some of its darkest
hours while providing some of the
best catch phrases and even fully
formed sentences in the language.
One can still soak in his aura amid
the fumes of expensive Cuban
cigars (left). At right, when the rest
of the world believed that plaid
didn’t really go well with anything,
the British made the discovery that
it goes quite nicely with some-
thing shining and neutral: armor.
London is especiolly known for the conviviolity of its pubs. There (ot top), the British con forget about their closs differences and get into
their cups while talking about something really importont, like soccer. London taxis (above) ore still the most d in the world. At
right, the anglais version of the Arch of Triumph: One fine example of British birdhood lets her knickers but not her guardsman down.
PLAYBOY
154
GIBBERISH шты from page 142)
“She rose from her desk and, right there in the mid-
dle of the office, kissed him warmly.”
the corner into the west wing, lair of
the big boss, John C. Nebling, an exec-
utive whose ascetic appearance was at
odds with his reputation for debauch-
ery, though it was always possible that
the latter was a fiction, for nobody
Phipps knew had ever seen Nebling in
a moment of hanky-panky; and Bar-
bara Clark-Johansen, his assistant, held
him in the highest regard and was hu-
morlessly indignant as to the rumors of
his sexual depravity, which, to be sure,
some thought had been cut from the
whole cloth by Nebling himself to give
color to his image.
Phipps was always embarrassed
nowadays when crossing paths with
Barbara, which, fortunately, he was not
often obliged to do, for they used dif-
ferent banks of elevators and he had
no regular business in the west wing.
He and Barbara had had a little thing
together, not really long enough to be
called an affair, not sufficiently passion-
ate to have been a romance: On the
other hand, it was more than a series of
one-night stands. Neither really knew
what it had been, but both agreed,
about the same time, that it was over.
For no discernible reason, it had not
been replaced, as it should properly
have been, by friendship. This was cs-
pecially true on Barbara's side. Al-
though their parting had been
amicable, she had on chance encoun-
ters since been barely civil to him. He
could not decide whether this coldness
was typical of her attitude to any man
for whom she no longer had personal
use or was reserved for himself
after second thoughts had brought by-
gone injustices to mind. The fact was,
despite having spent a half-dozen
nights in her close company, he knew
very little about Barbara’s approach to
much other than sex, medium-priced
wine and Thai food—and her reten-
tion of the “Johansen,” though the hus-
band who went with it was no longer in
residence.
On seeing her now in the office that
was an anteroom to Nebling's, Phipps
let Fallon, whose idea this was, do the
talking. Although he had got away with
the earlier nonsense, he did not wish to
try it on Barbara, whose opinion of
hím was low enough as it vas.
But after speaking a few incompre-
hensible words to her, Fallon treacher-
ously abandoned him.
As expected, Barbara was very chilly
in her introductory and, of course,
meaningless remarks. But because
they had once been intimate, and since
he had begun to worry that his failure
to make any sense of spoken language,
including his own, might have brought
him to the threshold of insanity,
Phipps threw himself on her mercy.
His intention was to say, “Look, Bar-
bara, I wish we could be friends at least
and talk to each other as friends do.
I've got a problem at the moment: Ev-
erything 1 hear people say sounds non-
sensical to me, and the same thing is
true even when I say something my-
self. Frankly, I’m on the edge of panic.”
He paused a moment, then asked, “Do
you understand anything I'm saying?”
Barbara's reactions were not really
appropriate to what he had tried to
Say, but they were very pleasant to ex-
perience, nonetheless. Her brown eyes
suddenly became again as they were
when he and she had been on intimate
terms. She rose from her desk and,
right there in the middle of the office,
with the door open, kissed him warm-
ly. He was much moved by this and
oddly reassured, though it had noth-
ing to do with his basic predicament
except, perhaps, in the sense that it is
generally better to attract kisses than
Kicks.
Before he had an opportunity to
show a visible reaction, however, Bar-
bara ushered him into the presence of
John C. Nebling, who for a few mo-
ments was invisible behind the back of
his chair, which was turned so that its
occupant could contemplate a view of
the glassy facades of other buildings
similar to the one in which he found
himself.
But eventually, the executive re-
volved slowly to face Phipps. Today,
Nebling looked even more desiccated
than usual. Every time he saw the man,
Phipps decided anew that the rumors
of satyriasis must be the fictions of ma-
licious wits. It was hard to believe that
Nebling had ever felt a sexual urge
and impossible to think any woman
would have been willing to gratify it.
Nebling now extended the sharp
points of his nose and chin toward
Phipps, as if to impale him. Evidently
he, like Fallon, had a complaint to
bring, but Nebling did not raise his
voice or show anger. His style was sub-
dued in volume but penetrating in ef-
fect. Even though Phipps could not
understand what the man was saying,
he could detect, with his nerves, as it
were, the corrosive sarcasm that char-
acterized every element of the state-
ment, and he could only assume that
what Fallon had started Nebling would
accomplish: namely, his firing.
And once again, he could not sup-
press his anger. “You should talk! Ev-
erybody thinks you're a joke. No
wonder our competitors are walking
all over us. You are as stupid as you are
ugly. Keep the job, you ridiculous old
man!”
But before Phipps could turn and
make an indignant exit, Nebling put
out a hand and said something in a
speculative tone. This could hardly be
a response to what Phipps had just
said.
Nebling next picked up a fat file of
documents and presumably began to
speak about them. Eventually, he low-
ered the file, turned it to face Phipps
and pushed it across the desk.
Phipps put on his glasses and began
quickly to examine the papers. Until
this moment, he had assumed that he
retained the power to understand writ-
ten language. But apparently, such was
not the case: He could not make out
more than a word here and there—a
"so" or an "as" or a "than"—but sus-
pected some of what he thought to be
vaguely familiar were perhaps only
cases of coincidental resemblance: e.g.,
"beyonding," "distribukor" and "crip-
ple flypass."
He could easily have surrendered to
panic at this point but by now was
something of a veteran at gibberish,
having survived the earlier experi-
ences. So he nodded and plunged in.
“What we have here is a bold and in-
ventive plan that if instituted is guar-
anteed to smoke our competition in
the Southwest, and not only that. As
you have better reason than most to
know, in recent years, we have more or
less slunk out of New England with our
tail between our legs. 1 anki, believe
this state of affairs could be altered to
our advantage as soon as the first quar-
ter of next year. But don't take my
word for it. Look at the graphs!” He
turned the file toward Nebling and
pushed it back.
Even had his speech been compre-
hensible—which it had certainly not
been to his own ear—the content of it
was spur-ofthe-moment invention.
The company was already in the proc-
ess of closing the Northeastern divi-
sion: No “new plan,” even if potentially
wonder-working, could be put into ef-
fect quickly enough to change that sit-
uation. Not to mention that he knew
nothing of such a plan. He had no idea
of what was really in these papers.
But Nebling received the bogus in-
formation soberly. He studied the first
(continued on page 218)
WHAT NASA
WANTS FOR
CHRISTMAS
just what the rest
of us want: a lot of money
and a little luck
E DONT
we're kind of worried about
NASA. You remember NASA:
big agency, lots of gizmos,
nifty logo, rocket jockeys with names
like Deke and Gus and Gordo who
wore silver suits and said “A-OK” and
“Can do.” Today's team is full of folks
named Frederick and Brewster who
dress up in powder-blue jump suits
and click off terms such as “nominal”
and “on-line.” The old NASA had
ships dubbed Eagle and Saturn that
carried men to the moon; this NASA
used something called STS-41C to
haul tomato seeds into orbit.
Most important, the old NASA built
things that actually worked. When it
put together a spaceship that was sup-
posed to go to Mars, by golly, it went to
Mars. Today's NASA finally got the
Hubble Space Telescope into orbit, on-
ly to discover that the damned thing
was too myopic to read the top line of
the eye chart. Then the space shuttles
started leaking hydrogen, and engi-
neers predicted that the front end of
the planned space station would fall off
before the far end was even built.
But, hey, it’s Christmas, and even a
Federal agency can dream. If the brass
at NASA could sit on the lap of the
great celestial Santa for five minutes,
here’s what they'd ask for. Let's hope
they've been good little boys and girls.
NASA wants 30 billion-plus dollars to b
Freedom, o 508-foot space station that
could serve as a pit stop for interplanetary
crafts. Engineers condemn the orbiting be-
hemoth as too big and too expensive. So
NASA's back at the drawing boards.
ILLUSTRATION BY MYLES PINKNEY
158
OK, here's the plan: We send a seven-legged robot to Mars to walk all over the Slated for launch in late 1990, Ulysses will
planet, collect rocks and load them into a mother ship. After a few months, Momma orbit the sun in 1994, studying its winds and
blasts off and flies back to earth. Price tag: about ten billion dollars. Launch date: corona. If the date is missed, the $169,200,000
21st Century—if NASA can convince budget makers it's not a horebrained ideo. ship will get moth-balled for twa years.
Think it's tough for one space agency to get things straight? How
about two? NASA and its European counterpart, ESA, hope to send
the Cassini probe to Saturn in 1996—if they raise 1.6 billion dollars.
After floating free of the shuttle's cargo bay, Galileo, NASA's
1.14-billion-dollar slow boat to Jupiter, began the risky six-year
journey. For frequent fliers, the trip counts far 872,000,000 miles.
Washington has coughed up two billion dollars-plus for a
space jet to go from runway to orbit without boosters. So far,
NASA has turned out nado and Congress smells an Edsel.
Coy Venus hides her face behind a thick atmosphere, but
the $750,000,000 Magellan is lifting the veil. Radio contact
with the ship has been spotty and NASA's holding its breath.
For real anglers: a
$150,000,000 гой
and reel with a line
up to 78 miles long
to be used to troll a
satellite through the
upper atmosphere.
The first flight is set
for 1991; if the cable
becomes unstable,
it cauld be the last.
Here's Galileo again, sofe at Jupiter after a perilous trip through the heavy traffic of the asteroid belt. The plucky ship's first job will be
to fire on atmospheric sensor into Jupiter's cloudtops. Clipping along at more than 100,000 miles per hour, the little suicide probe will
open its parachutes, slow to a crow and begin to sink lazily through the peo-soup air. For an hour or so, it will radio back information
on whotever goses it sniffs; then the pressure of the atmosphere will pulverize it. Back in space, the Galileo mother ship—which got
the sweeter deol—will settle in for two years of orbiting the grand planet and taking its picture. NASA's keeping its fingers crossed.
159
PLAYBOY
160
THE MAC GUFFIN
(continued from page 118)
pP
To hear my mother tell it, you'd. think clear skin
was a secondary sex characteristic.
2»
at the state university. Апа Rose Helen,
already 22, already at her roots’ roots
the melanin fading, a chromosome
snapping in her aging hair. The only
Sadie Hawkins part to it—for them,
he meant; it really had been Sadie
Hawkins Day—was that both of them
had agreed to be there. A friend of his
from her graduating class in high
school had given him her name, had
given her his, who'd never mentioned
either to the other before, was not
fixing them up but only supplying on
some mutual demand (though he
couldn't, in truth, conceive of Rose
Helen's ever having asked for it) this
unwritten letter of introduction, the
names like a sort of reference—"To
whom it may concern,” say.
His friend had told him Rose Helen
was a cripple.
“She's crippled?”
“What are you, Druff, planning to
enter her in a foot race? She has this
minor deformity. Some hip thing you
can't even notice. It's no big deal, don't
be so narrow. She's very insecure. 1
think she has an inferiority complex.
My mother plays cards with her moth-
er. She's very self-conscious; that's why
she started college late. Га call her,
Druff. It's the crippled-up girls with
the inferiority complexes who are hot
to trot.”
"How come you never took her out?"
“Hey, don't you listen? Our mothers
are friends. Though, personally, my
mom would love it. She keeps giving
me this shit about her beautiful skin.
Druff, I don’t know how we ever got
born. To hear my mother tell it, you'd
think clear skin was a secondary sex
characteristic.”
And, really, you didn’t notice it and,
after he met her, the notion of her in-
visible physical deformity was vaguely
exciting. It was a mild scoliosis, the
slight curvature of her spine lifting her
left hip and thrusting it faintly for-
ward, providing a small shelf where
she characteristically rested the palm
of her hand and lending her the some-
what hard look of a dance-hall girl in
Westerns.
But on the Sadie Hawkins Day in
question, they almost missed each oth-
er. He looked for a girl with a deformi-
ty. He looked for a girl with clear skin.
And, although he found no cripples,
two or three clear-skinned girls agreed
to dance with him when he went up to
them. He said his name, they told him
theirs. Then he bowed out.
And found her, of course, where he
should have looked first, along that
wall of wallflowers, which isn't always a
wall, or even a partially occupied row
of chairs, but often as not just an area,
some dead space in the room that, oc-
cupied or not, is something set off, a
kind of sanctuary, as necessary to the
practice of civilized life as flatware or
toilets. Asking as soon as he saw her,
“Are you Rose Helen Magnesson?"
"Yes, I am. Are you Robert Druff?”
"Yes. Happy Sadie Hawkins Day.
Would you care to dance?"
Dancing wasn't his specialty, even a
simple box step, though now he
thought that if it had only been a few
years later, when people first began to
dance to rhythm-and-blues, it might
have been a different story. He could
have handled the fast stuff, accommo-
dated to the large motor movements of
funk. It was going in close that clum-
sied him, moved him, that is, toward
unearned intimacy, pulled him, he
meant, toward love. Dancing with Rose
Helen that evening, moving his hand
tO rest casually on her left hip when
she suddenly started, bolted, pushed it
away, as if he'd grabbed her haunch.
(Druff assuming he'd found her invisi-
ble deformity, believing in some com-
pensating synergistic justice, the up
side of eye-for-eye that, wounding her
in one place fixed her someplace else,
cleared her skin, say, which was beauti-
ful, radiant in fact, incandescent, burn-
ing with the pearly collagens and
organic steams, all the natural cosmet-
ics of, at once, a shining virginity and a
devastating pregnancy.)
Druff blurting, “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” she said, “I'm not a
dance partner. I think Га like to sit
down now.”
“Oh, sure,” he said, “but I'm the
lousy dancer. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me," Rose Helen
said, "I'm not hurt. My dancing's OK,
I'm nota good partner."
.
They were having coffee in the
Union. Rose Helen guessed that their
friend had told Druff all about her. “All
there is to tell,” she said. “I'm not a
good partner, because, well, 1 don't like
it when a boy touches me there.”
“I wasn't trying anything. I mean, all
he said was it was some hip thing, thar
it isn't even noticeable. It really isn't.”
“A full skirt covers a multitude of
sins.”
He thought it a wonderful sentence.
He believed she was clever. The syner-
gistics again, the very thing that had
driven her underground and caused
her shyness had given her wit.
“Look, I'm sorry if 1 loused up your
Sadie Hawkins, OK?" Then she
laughed.
“What?”
“Well, look at me. Sadie Hawkins! 1
mean, did you pick the right girl, or
what? I guess I'm just not the type.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well, I'm too nervous to dance,
aren't I?" She looked at him. "I'm two
years older than you.” Sure, he
thought, his deformity. Their friend
was a good reporter. He'd spilled the
beans about both their deformities.
They discussed their majors. Rose
Helen said she enjoyed being around
kids and thought she would become a
teacher, possibly declare a minor in
English, since, counting this semester,
she would already have six hours of
credit in that subject. Druff confessed
he was still undecided, that he hadn't
realized how important it was to have a
plan since you'd probably be stuck for
life with whatever you chose, adding
that it wasn't quite fair to expect some-
one only 19 or 20—not, he amended in
deference to that two-year difference
in their ages, that being 19 or 20 was
anything of a handicap (that was the
word he used, handicap)—to lock in
on what he wanted to be doing 15 or so
years later. It was a serious business,
and sad, really, when you thought
about it, that you had to start your life
off on the right foot, or otherwise, you
could wake up when you were 35 and
find out that you weren't where you
thought you belonged. Because how
many times were you alive? Once,
right? He thought that to waste your
life was the worst thing you could do
with it. It was like self-murder, suicide.
“This is very depressing,” Rose Hel-
en said.
“Well, itis,” Druff said. “That's why I
don't think that just because someone
has six hours of credit in a subject
that’s a good enough reason to say,
"Yes, 1 have six hours of credit in this
subject, I might as well make it my mi-
nor.’ You have to be interested for its
own sake.”
“Yes, but did it ever occur to you that
the reason a party already has six
hours in a particular subject just might
be that the person is already interested
in it?"
Then she said she thought he was
being pretty sarcastic for someone who
didn't seem to know what he vas going
to do with his life and talked about self-
murdera fev years down the line. And
(continued cn page 230)
“T think we'll ship Beirut next year, Petal.”
161
WIEN
AY
high-tech skiwear
that won't leave you
out in the cold
fashion
BY HOLLIS WAYNE
ROM THE black diamonds
in Colorado to the bun-
ny hills of the Midwest,
this season’s hottest ski-
wear is as practical as it is
sharp. Look for longer jack-
ets, pullovers and one-piece
suits in dark, rich colors.
Muted neon accents, bright
slashes of color and metallic
trim give outfits a high-tech
look to match the latest skis
and boots. And revolutionary
fabrics such as waterproof
leather and Thinsulate ce-
ramic will keep you as warm
Above: Chinella/nylon pullover, $268, acrylic
zip turtleneck, about $36, stretch ponts with
padded knees, $234, and headband, $21, all
by Obermeyer; gloves, by Descente, $69;
boot gaiters, by SCI, $17; sunglasses, by
Oakley, $110; Incline Series 3 poles, by
Scott, $48; Free Flex FX-Two skis, by Volant,
and dry on the slopes as you
are by the fireside sipping a
mug of steaming cider—or SW $460; Racing Free Flex bindings, by Tyrolia,
12 Д perhaps something stronger. WDR? $265; and Flexon Pro boots, by Raichle, $300.
This skier hits the slopes in a polyamide jacket
with zip/snap front and drawstring waistband,
$658, nylon pants, $244, both by Bogner; cot-
ton turtleneck, by Skyr, $22.50; wool knit ski
cap, by Descente, $25; sunglasses, by Cébe,
$100; goggles, by Bolle, $80; waterproof
leather gloves, by Gordini, $87; Pro Scott
poles, by Scott, $48; Megacomp SLX skis, by
Tyrolia, $460; and R 900 ST boots, by Ros-
signol, $410. (Her suit and gloves, by Ober-
meyer; turtleneck, by Skyr; goggles, by
Carrero; headband, by Smiley; World Cup
Racer poles, by Scott; TNS boots, by Tecnica.)
PHOTOGRAPHY BY GORDON MUNRO
163
Below: Snow-boording is the lotest craze among doredevil skiers. This one's hotdoggin' it in Cartouche Leather Skiwear's woter-resist-
ont pullover jacket with drawstring waist, from Howord Imports, $875; acrylic turtleneck, about $21, nylon pants with elastic waist,
obout $80, ond nylon gloves with Velcro wristband, $65, all by Obermeyer; sport-style sunglasses with impoct-resistant lenses, by Uvex,
$50; TX Snowboard, about $300, and Gyrator bindings, from MC Mages, $149, both by K2; plus Snowboard boots, by Raichle, $350.
Opposite page: Looking for new skis? Hot ones to consider include, left to right: 45 Kevlar racing skis, by Rossignol, $445; 59000 Equipe
25 racing skis, by Salomon, $595; M-500 performance skis, by Tyrolio, $500; Synergy S classic giant-slalom skis, by Kástle, $395;
V20 Absorber R40 all-mountain extreme skis, by Blizzard, $475; Gyrotor skis, by K2, $375; M5 slalom skis, by PRE, $475; Super Soft
powder skis, by Miller, $440; VR 17 Kevlar recreationol sport skis, by Dynamic, $360; GS Super racing skis, by Fischer, $485; Course
Equipe Notionale SL rocing giant-slalom skis, by Dynastar, $450; Zero Gravity competition mogul skis, by Olin, $385; TRB classic
giant-slolom skis, by Head, $550; MBX 16 all-mountoin skis, by Elan, $550; and ARC Tricomp 533 CE performance skis, by Atomic, $400.
Eus
SISA NS
Nylon one-piece suit with belted waist, zip/snap
front cnd elastic bottoms, $390, and solar alpha
gloves, $60, both by Descente; acrylic/wool neck
goiter, by Skyr, $18; ski goggles with iridium lenses,
by Ookley, $90; 982 boots, by Nordica, about $300;
and Pro Scott poles, by Scott, about $50. (Her one-
piece suit, mitlens and neck gaiter, by Obermeyer;
sunglasses, by R&vo; Nordica №607 boots, from
MC Moges; and Incline Series 3 poles, by Scott.)
Nylon/spandex Entrant jacket with zip/snop front
and drawstring waist, $339, nylon Entrant pants,
$199, both by Spyder; cotton turtleneck, by Bogner,
$45; ski gloves, by Solomon, $30; ski goggles, by
Smith Sport Optics, $30; Pro Scott poles, by Scott,
$48; ond 470 boots, by Roichle, $275. (Her jocket
ond stretch ponts, by Bogner; turtleneck, by Skyr;
gloves, by Obermeyer; sunglosses, by Uvex; In-
dine Series 3 poles, by Scott; TXI boots, by Lange.)
Where & How to Buy on page 240. 167
PLAYBOY
168
THE HOLIDAYS (continued from page 105)
“The English didn’t invent Christmas, but they cer-
tainly put a spit shine on it.”
Cap Juluca does not fuss over its luxu-
ry. People go there because they want
to escape the lives they live the rest of
the time. The only task one sets for
oneself is to notice how, in the presence
of the warm ocean and the flawless
skies, the world reachieves an unequiv-
ocal balance.
OAXACA
Mexico to most of us means beaches,
ocean sports, very hot sun and concern
about drinking the water. In its resort
communities, Mexico has decided to
go the route of expansive, inclusive re-
sort-style hotels that have a homogene-
ity that is, on one hand, reassuringly
familiar and, on the other, inconsistent
with the character of the country in
which they find themselves.
Oaxaca City is a place where a num-
ber of cultures butt heads, brush them-
selves off and decide to have a beer
together. It is a 17th Century colonial
town that has retained its strong Za-
potec, Mixtec and Spanish Catholic
character. It is a gourmet's field trip:
Sample each of the seven molés—
though you may want to forgo the
shredded-grasshopper appetizer. It is
the region that invented that most sav-
age of beverages: mescal. The worm at
the bottom of the botde shouldn't
frighten you. In fact, it improves the
flavor.
The Stouffer El Presidente hotel is a
converted convent with a series of
courtyards and fountains and is one of
those environments that are stunning
in their historicity. It is located in the
center of town, making it a good place
from which to begin your sight-seeing.
Nico Gormsen, a local translator, can
take you around to the local sites and
explain as much as is explainable.
Mexican Catholicism—unashamed of
its fascination with death, oppression,
pain and the simple necessities—is on
view in several churches. You'll want to
visit Mitla and Monte Alban, two beau-
tifully complex ruins. You'll also want
to visit Teotitlán del Valle, a town that
has given birth to hundreds of
weavers. The Zapotec patterns loomed
there are made vibrantly red by their
harvest of the increasingly rare
cochineal bug that infests the cactus.
When squished, it yields a magnificent
range of reds and purples.
Two days before Christmas, Oaxaca
hosts a celebration known as Radish
Night. The local vendors dangle giant
radishes sculpted into animal and hu-
man shapes to lure you into their stalls.
It all adds to the ambient surreality of
the place.
THE POINT
Between 1870 and 1930, a group of
industrialists, financiers and railroad
magnates invaded the Adirondack
Mountains in northern New York State
to build vacation retreats for their fam-
ilies. The resultant “camps” and their
rustic furnishings, made from logs and
native stone to blend with the natural
beauty of the locale, became extremely
fashionable—and the size of the build-
ings, if not their style, rivaled the re-
treats the rich had built for themselves
in Newport and Saratoga Springs. The
Whitneys, Vanderbilts and Rocke-
fellers, among others, soon had grand
estates collectively called the Great
Camps.
One of those, Camp Wonundra, was
built by William Avery Rockefeller in
the early Thirties and is now open to
the public as an 11-guest-room resort
called The Point. Picture a Ralph Lau-
ren sportswear ad—only with people
who aren't into vogueing. It runs year-
round, but the winter—and particular-
ly around the holidays—is a terrific
time to visit. There is cross-country ski-
ing, snowshoeing and snow barbecues
accompanied by a bonfire. Lake Placid,
site of the 1980 winter Olympics, is
nearby for adventurous souls who
want to watch some ski jumping or try
the luge.
Indoors, you lounge on one of the
many oversized couches in the 30'x50'
Great Hall and become gently toasted
by a fire roaring in one of the enor-
mous stone fireplaces. You mix your
own drinks, as you might at a friend's
house. You dress for dinner (Wednes-
days and Saturdays are optionally for-
mal). The Points dining room is
supervised by Bill McNamee, a Miche-
lin-approved three-star chef.
The spirit at Christmas is that of a
genial house party; there is a common
tree under which guests are encour-
aged to place their presents. The ele-
gant, baronial coziness of the place,
plus the attentiveness of McNamee and
his wife, Claudia, who manage the
property, ensure that even if you
choose to go alone, you will be well
looked after.
LUCKNAM PARK
The English didn’t invent Christ-
mas, but they certainly put a spit shine
on it. And as much as London still can
have a Dickensian glint to it (see
“Style” on page 22), the countryside is
where you'll most likely find those
mythically familiar rituals of Christmas
past. Six miles northeast of Bath, in
Wiltshire, is Lucknam Park—a mag-
nificent Georgian manor house built in
1720 that has been converted into 39
rooms and suites. It is nestled on 270
acres of parkland. The approach to the
house is a magnificent mile-long allée—
a grassy pathway for horsemen with
double stands of vaulting 100-year-old
beech trees.
Inside, there is a series of public
rooms, including a library and a huge
living room where, each afternoon,
aperitifs and tea are served. Behind
the manor house—in a walled garden
that was once the stable—is a spa with a
pool, a gym, a whirlpool bath, a steam
room, a sauna, massage showers and a
solarium. There is also a full-size
snooker table. For the woman who
may accompany you, there is also a
beauty salon with a full array of treat-
ments whose effects you will appreciate
but the details of which you really
don't want to know.
She, and you, may also want to visit
nearby Bath. The city is still a favorite
for the shopping sprees of the contem-
porary royals—whose family homes
dot, rather grandly, the surrounding
shires. Antiquarian bookshops, antique
stores, jewelers and silversmiths, coun-
try-sport shops and gunsmiths shoe-
horn themselves into this most
comprehensive and beautiful of cities.
Lucknam Park plans a four-night
Christmas program that includes car-
oling, midnight services at the village
church in Colerne, followed by mince
pies and hot toddies by the library's
fireplace. On Christmas Day, you can
watch other people’s children greet Fa-
ther Christmas, who shows up in a car-
riage, then watch them run around the
estate hunting for treasure. Boxing
Day, the day after Christmas, is tradi-
tionally the time to visit friends, and
Lucknam Park organizes a trip to the
National Trust village of Lacock to see
the Avon Vale Hunt. That evening, the
hotel hosts a gala dinner and dance.
Frivolity aside, it is the ideal refuge for
the holidays, a place to relax and soak
up an atmosphere that has been percó-
lating for centuries.
SANTA FE
There's a saying that Santa Fe is the
only place where you can leave the
(concluded on bage 216)
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“Its funny, but when I was a little girl, I thought you ш man."
169
WARREN BEATTY
Legendary dick
MADONNA
She leaves us Breathless
Ë
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SHARON STONE
Spaced in
TOM CRUISE
Race warrior
AL While Hollywood he-men
racked up a their female ers displeyed abundant assets. Mel Gib-
son, who hit a cinematic double with Bird on a Wire and Air Americe, is due next
in the title role of Shakespeere's Hamlet. Sharon Stone is an interplenetary
knockout in Total Recell and in a Playboy pictorial. People dubbed Tom Cruise, a
race-car driver in Days of Thurider, its "Sexiest Man Alive" for 1990. Television's
Teri Copley, We Got It Made's maid, and Erika Eleniak, the Playmate who made
Baywatch watchable, also graced our pages during the year. Patrick Swayze is a
sexy spirit in Ghost, his most successful cinematic outing since Dirty Dancing;
and Kim Basinger, christened by Venity Feir the “Blonde of Blondes,” tore herself
away from the Georgia town she bought last year long enough to film The Marry-
ing Man, with up-and-coming Alec Baldwin, powerful as a psychopath in
Miemi Blues and as a hero in The Hunt for Red October, as her love interest.
өм, N
( E 1 D.
TERI COPLEY PATRICK SWAYZE ERIKA ELENAK
Maid in America Sexiest spook Salt-water sweetheart |
er
VANE
KIM BASINGER
Media royalty and
| renegades abound this year, with print and elec-
j tronic outlets vying for celebrity coverage. Rob
w" Lowe survived the inevitable comparisons of his
М role in Bad Influence to his 1989 misadventures
on video tape. Foulmouthed comic Andrew Dice
Clay, a hit on records and in personal appear-
{ ances, bombed in The Adventures of Ford Feir-
a = lane and became a feminist target for his
misogynistic patter. Sandra Bemhard's one-wom-
an show Without You l'm Nothing made it to the
screen, but not without rating-board difficulties
and rumors about wild premiere parties. Denzel
4 Washington, idolized as Best Supporting Actor
Oscar winner for last year's Glory, plays a sexier
role {lip-syncing convincingly to Branford
Marsalis’ trumpet) in Spike Lee's Mo’ Better
Blues. Paula Abdul is everywhere, having won
Rock Female Vocalist honors in the Playboy Mu-
sic Poll, an Emmy for choreography, a Grammy
nomination and other honors; now she has two
hot commercials, a pair of top-selling albums and
a sizzling video, Knocked Out. Papa's grandkid
Margaux Hemingway's once-faltering career got
a boost from a Playboy pictorial and memoir,
which drew widespread acclaim for its candor.
№ n
ANDREW DICE CLAY š SANORA BERNHARD s
Gross prophet Star of stage and scream и
PAULA ABDUL
Knocked Out knockout
DENZEL WASHINGTON
Hottest hornblower
| MAREAUX HEMINGWAY |
| Blue-blooded genes
-
CLAUDIA SCHIFFER
Buess?'s who
VE
Here they are, the
supermodels. “Everyone wants to eye
Claudia,” said Rolling Stone of Miss Schiffer,
the Guess? jeans gir. Revion's Cindy
Crawford has a reserved seat on hunky actor
Richard Gere's motorcycle, while File
Macpherson, long a favorite in Sports
Illustrated's annual swimsuit issues, is now
on screen in Woody Allen's new movie, Alice.
.
А t
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S | |
= ELLE MACPHERSON / CINDY CRAWFORD {
m Best suited High Gere .
за i f
ف ;
LAURA SAN GIACOMO
Lusty lady
There's e whiff of something wild
about these women's screen personae. Laura San Giacomo, now appear-
ing with Tom Selleck in Quigley Down Under, is memorable as a hooker in
Pretty Woman. Sea of Love's Ellen Barkin, dubbed “Hollywood's sultriest
blonde” by Vanity Fair, is the reincarnation of Perry King in the upcoming
Switch. Pom queen Tori Welles has erotic dreame in the prize-winning ELLEN BARKIN
‚Night Trips. Traci Lords, jailbait no more, stars in Cry-Baby and in her own Sulti 5
calendar, and Delia Sheppard, leading lady of Witchereft Il: The Temptress, ultriest siren
was hailed by Variety as “the Nineties’ answer to Mamie Van Doren.”
TRACI LORDS
Date bait
TORI WELLES
Wet-dream girl ` | DELIA SHEPPARD
dream gi
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Cherry with a twist |
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LAURA DERN, NICOLAS CAGE $
Love on the lam
KYLE MAC LACHLAN
He-man Û man
All four performers on the left are becoming inextricably
linked with maverick director David Lynch. Sherilyn Fenn, seen to greater advantage
elsewhere in this issue, works wonders with a maraschino-cherry stem in Lynch's TV
sensation Twin Peeks; Laura Dem and Nicolas Cage get it on in the offbeat road movie
Wild at Heart, top prize winner at the Cannes Intemational Film Festival; and Kyle
MacLachlan is magnetic as a pie-and-coffee-loving Federal agent investigating a murder
in the fictional Washington State town of Twin Peaks, brought to life in the TV series.
Both Dem and MacLachlan are also in Lynch's unsettling 1986 shocker, Blue Velvet.
JULIA ROBERTS
Prettiest Woman
Julia (Pretty Women) Roberts, Eric's prettier
sister, was hailed as one of today's ten most beautiful women by Harper's Bazaer and
has been romantically linked to Flatliners co-star Kiefer Sutherland. Michelle Pfeiffer, “the
movies’ prettiest face,” per Premiere, will brighten screens soon in The Russia House.
Daryl Hannah, a mental patient in Crazy People, will appear next as a missionary wife in
At Pley in the Fields of the Lord. Botticelli beauty Uma Thurman, among 15 gorgeous
women celebrated by Italian Vogue, is currently on view as Henry Miller's spouse in Hen-
ту and June; and Jennifer Jason Leigh, terrific as play-for-pay blondes in both Miemi
Blues and Last Exit to Brooklyn, has no fewer than three films in the works.
f MICHELLE PFEIFFER ”
DARYL НАННАН 88
Classiest classic =
Crazy woman
/ Af JENNIFER JASDH LEIGH UMA THURMAN |
aS Hardest-working girl The Miller's wife Ё
PLAYBOY
180
would like to be reincarnated as War-
ren Beatty’s finger tips, he never ex-
pected that line to be quoted as much
as it was to promote Dick Tracy. Writers
were reduced to citing Woody because
Warren said little of interest after
agreeing to come out of his lair to pub-
licize the picture, likening interviews to
prostate examinations. Everybody, of
course, wanted to know about his affair
with his leading lady, Madonne. But he
would only say she's *more fun than a
barrel of monkeys." That could be a
cliché or, given Beatty's extensive ro-
mantic résumé, a genuine revelation
about Madonna and/or monkeys and
barrels. We can orly guess.
She, at least, was more candid, con-
fessing to Vanity Fair that she was some-
times intimidated by the possibility
that 75 percent of the country wants
Beatty's approval and 75 percent have
had his body. "Sometimes I think, He's
been with the world's most beautiful,
most glamourous, talented women. I
go, ‘Oh, my God!" That's one part of
me. I mean, how can I ever be as fabu-
lous as Brigitte Bardot when she was
twenty-five? Or Natalie Wood? Or any
of those people? Then there is the oth-
er side of me that says I'm better than
all of them."
Away from Warren, Madonna
donned an armored brassiere and
thrust her hand between her legs for
her controversial Blond Ambition con-
cert tour When Toronto police
protested that she was "lewd and ob-
scene, Madonna insisted, "I ain't
changing my fucking act" and her
manager told the cops they would face
30,000 angry fans if they canceled her
show. So they didn't.
Such attention. was no surprise to
Madonna's pal Sandra Bernhard after
their mock-lesbian antics became
tabloid fodder. "It was just the press
picking up on something, because ev-
ery time Madonna farts, they pick up
on it. They want to see how it smells. I
hate to break the news, but it smells
like everybody else's farts. It’s all so
geeky, it's embarrassing. She likes it be-
cause she loves to cause controversy.”
Under a test-case auack in Federal
court for raunchy rap lyrics, 2 Live
Grew was greeted on the road by
teenage concert fans chanting, “We
want some pussy! We want some
pussy!” a wish the all-male group was
presumably unable to fulfill. But 2, too,
confounded censorious forces by paus-
ing in its raps to allow the audience to
supply the dirty words, daring watch-
ing gendarmes to jail the entire crowd.
Not every celebrity rates instant
recognition from the cops. After giving
a speeding ticket to gorgeous Michelle
Pfeiffer, a North Carolina highway-pa-
trol trooper said he'd never seen The
Fabulous Baker Boys or any of her other
films that would inspire most males to
rush forward with her $100 bail in
hand. “We come into contact with all
types of people,” the officer explained.
Mao West would have sighed that any
bulge in his pants was most likely a
gun.
Actually, were Mae alive today, she
might have been more graphic.
Celebrities are getting so matter-of-fact
about their genitalia that they're in
danger of losing their mystery, not to
mention their fun, Discussing her
AIDS-education efforts, the oft-quoted
Madonna casually remarked to her
Vanity Fair interviewer, "I have a pussy
and I'm dealing with my sexuality and
you can deal with yours if you want.
I'm encouraging that. But I'm not say-
ing go out and fuck randomly. You can
have sex, but you have to practice safe
sex. ... Use your imagination. Be cre-
ative.”
Less nobly, feisty Susan Tyrrell put
forth her privates as analogy for her
one-woman show, My Rotten Life: A Bit-
ter Operetta. “If I'm gonna throw my
legs open to the public, I want them to
be so in love with what they see. I do
have the pussy of a ten-year-old—so
I'm not too worried.”
With some justification, women in-
sist such candor only claims a right
long enjoyed by men. Speaking of the
graphic temale views of sex in her new
novel, Surrender the Pink, Corrie Fisher
protested, “Why is it men can write
that they drag their cock out of their
pants and they jack off and it hits the
ceiling?” Because men lie, Carrie, be-
cause they lie.
But maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger,
now the head of the Presidents Coun-
cil on Physical Fitness and Sports, told
the truth when he explained (also to
Vanity Fair) why he took up bodybuild-
ing. “] was always interested in propor-
tion and perfection. When 1 was
fifteen, I took off my clothes and
looked in the mirror. When 1 stared at
myself naked, I realized that to be per-
fecly proportioned, I would need
bwenty-three-inch arms to match the
rest of me.”
It all comes down to that “dick
thing” Denzel Woshington and Spike
Lee kept talking about in Mo’ Better
Blues. Or, as Richard Gere put it, "It's
basically a psychoanalytical problem
that America has. America's got this
dick problem.” His career healthy again
with the success of Internal Affairs and
Pretty Woman—and another very pretty
woman, Revlon model Cindy Crawford,
on his arm.
Given all the gutter talk, it was re-
freshing to see Sharon Stone (it's al-
ways refreshing to see Sharon) fall back
on an old-fashioned word for the male
member in the July Playboy. “I like a
man whose brain is more expansive
than his penis,” she avowed. “Lips real-
ly do it for me: big, full lips. When I
was fourteen, this boy told me he'd
teach me how to kiss, how to feel it, how
to give someone room to kiss you
back. . . . I was always a great student.”
Sharon obviously should get togeth-
er with Tom Cruise, who told Playboy in
January how, in third grade, he was
trained to kiss by his sister’s pals. “I
would literally sprint home, because
her friends were just starting to go out
with boys and they would practice on
me—put me on top of the sink and,
you know, teach me how to kiss. And
we'd spend hours after school. I knew
when the girls were going to come by
and I'd sprint home.”
Critics have accused her of chewing
the lips off her leading men, but beau-
úful Ellen Barkin likes the sexually ag-
gressive women she plays in such films
as Sea of Love. “It's kind of a nice thing
for women to see a movie where the
woman just likes to fuck and she’s nota
bad girl.”
Some parents obviously believe it
would be better if their celebrity off-
spring kept their lips zipped. After
reading Kim Basinger's revelations
about how she learned about oral sex,
her father sent her a tennis ball and a
roll of adhesive tape, suggesting,
“When you give an interview and the
feeling of being outrageous is present,
please place this ball in your mouth
and then tape your mouth shut. If you
are still able to say ‘oral sex’ after doing
this, then you are hopeless.” Or much
in demand.
Auditioning for a job in a brothel,
Sherilyn Fenn opened her lips on TV's
Twin Peaks and out popped a knotted
cherry stem. She was instantly hired
and women went into tongue training
all over the country. The scene elevat-
ed Sherilyn to stardom in director
David Lynch's well-attended, offbeat
TV series. Happily, however, we can
lay claim to having spotted Fenn's fine
features two years ago, when she bare-
backed through several scorching
scenes in Two Moon Junction, though a
lot of people still haven't made the con-
nection between the ravishing blonde
in that picture and the ravishing
brunette in Twin Peaks. (For more of
Sherilyn, see Fenn-tastic! elsewhere in
this issue.)
Another veteran of Lynch's films,
Kyle MacLachlan, also hit it big on
Peaks, playing a very odd FBI agent
who's supposedly about as strange as
the actor is off stage (“dedicated and
dirty-minded," American Film declared
in an unusually lusty judgment).
Meanwhile, Lynch continued to push
(continued on page 197)
WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
humor by ym»
when all through the dwelling,
The adults were unconscious,
the brats had stopped yelling;
The stockings were hung
with a je ne sais quoi
In hopes we'd get presents (especially moi)
he kids had exhausted themselves
with their play,
Had wrecked the house
and were through for the day;
And my lady and 1, having earned our repose,
Were contentedly snoring (or so I suppose),
is eyes—how they twinkled!
His nose—how it glowed!
His teeth were enormous,
and all of them showed!
He carried no bundle,
a briefcase was all;
The stockings hung empty, forlorn on the wall.
nd where were the reindeer?
Had all of them died?
There was only a limousine
waiting outside
I reproached him: “Kris Kringle,
you've grown very lax!"
“I don't know any Kringle: I've come for your tax”
I crept to the scene and discovered my error.
or this was no burglar I'd entered to watch:
It was only Saint Nicholas
drinking my Scotch.
“Help yourself, Father Christmas!”
and “Welcome!” I cried;
"So I have, and ‘tis very good stuff,” he replied.
hen soon from the living room, somebody gurgled,
And I quaked with alarm,
for I thought we'd been burgled;
And armed with a baseball bat,
heart filled with terror,
new law,” he explained with a comical dance,
"Says you've got to pay next April's
sum in advance.”
“But this,” 1 exclaimed,
“is the worst of all рур!”
And he chuckled and winked
and rejoined, "Read my lips."
hen you've come,” I inquired,
“from the dread IRS?”
"In a word," answered he
with a pirouette, "yes."
And ere felled by my bat,
he appended (quite loud),
"And Christmas and New Year's are now disallowed."
нє вк music story in 1990 was freedom of speech. Record labeling, Govem-
ment meddling and a slow response from the music industry made 2 Live
. Crew the primary target, while all rap music took the rap. If censorship
was a low point, Bonnie Raitt's recognition by her peers and fans was a
high, proving that hanging tough works. The big guns hit the road—Paul
А. McCartney, Billy Joel, Janet Jackson and David Bowie—and Madonna
blitzed the world, on film and on tour. Sinéad O'Connor, last year's weird chick
with no hair, is this year's top pop singer. It was a good year for crossing over—
making it big on both the black and the pop charts— just ask Lisa Stansfield, New
Kids on the Block, Technotronic, Mariah Carey and M. C. Harnmer. So-called fringe
acts such as Depeche Mode and the B-52's went mainstream, Harry Connick, Jr.,
had three jazz albums on the charts at once, country singer Clint Black wowed
women of all musical persuasions and world music intemationalized our taste.
From TV to advertising to movies, music was the back beat to our daily lives.
THE BALLOT
Sharpen your pencils—it's time to fill aut the 1991 Playboy Music Ballot. Check
off the box next to your favorite performer or alburn in each category (or use the
write-in line if you have a better idea). This year, there is a bonus, The Volkswagen
25th Anniversary Hall of Fame Sweepstakes. You could win a new car! Tear off the
ballot and use the attached envelope (don't forget to add your sweepstakes
entry). Send in your vate no later than midnight, December 15, 1990. Don't forget
to put a stamp on it. We can't count it if the Postal Service doesn't deliver it.
Male Vocalist Female Vocalist
— Michael Bolton — Mariah Carey
2 David Bowie J Cher
J Phil Collins — Taylor Dayne
— Don Henley J Gloria Estefan
2 Billy Idol J Janet Jackson
H — Paul McCartney — Madonna
i 2 Michael Penn Y Alannah Myles
г J Iggy Pop J Sinéad O'Connor
Y Prince - Bonnie Raitt
| A J Linda Ronstadt
! 4
I Instrumentalist Group
Y Eric Clapton J Aerosmith f ч
i J lita Bal 118-575 Ма!е Vocalist Female Vocalist
J Jeff Healey — Depeche Mode Ра - Š
J John Hiatt Fleetwood Mac = Tony Bennett - Patti Austin
El Ere isk Y George Benson О Basia
кү pns Char Regina Bell
I Elton John 3 Bruce Homsby & the Range Q Ray Charles. Regina Belle
C] Harry Connick, Jr. Q Betty Carter
J Joe Satnanı Midnight Oil =
Y Chris T ” А Michael Franks Q Randy Crawford
ris Thomas Red Hot Chili Peppers
3 St h О Al Jarreau Gloria Lynne
eve Vai 3 Wilson Phillips
I Buckwheat Zydeco 3 World Party мааи ET Cermen Miena
& a J Frank Sinatra Û Dianne Reeves
о Mel Tormé l Dionne Warwick
Q Joe Williams a
Album a
Y Alannah Myles— "
Alannah Myles Instrumentalist Group
' Blue Sky Mining—
Е Midnight q a? U Stanley Clarke О Art Blakey and the Jazz
U Goodbye Jumbo— Û Miles Oavis Messengers
Q Elaine Elias Q Billy Childs
World Party =
7 Do Not Want О Kenny б Q Dirty Dozen Brass Band
^ Branford Marsalis Q John McLaughlin Trio
What | Haven't Got—
ad 0" C] Wynton Marsalis D Pat Metheny
Sinéad O'Connor
e û Frank Morgan J Modern Jazz Quartet
J l'm Breathless—Madonna > +
Y Ma J Najee С Rippingtons featuring Russ
lanic Nirvana—
(7) Marcus Roberts Freeman
Robert Plant ribose perc UNS "
J А Night on the Town— Bruce n ane Schuur a sad уга featuring Jay
Hornsby & the Range — dl en Ы
2 Step by Step—New Kids ~
on the Block Dr Tuck & Patti
Y Violator—Depeche Mode Album
C1 Wilson Phillips — Wilson Phillips
س ل 0 Deep in the Shed—
Marcus Roberts
Û Fast Forward—
Spyro Gyra featuring Jay
Beckenstein
О Lady with a Song—
Nancy Wilson
О Live—Kenny б
О London Warsaw
New York—Basia
Û Love Is Gonna Getcha—
Patti Austin
О Question and Answer—
Pat Metheny
U Standard Time Vol. 3—
The Resolution of Romance—
Wynton Marsalis
J Tokyo Blue—Najee
Ц We Are in Love—
Harry Conrick, Jr.
detach here
О James Brown
ЇЗ Sammy Davis Jr.
J Aretha Franklin
Q Jerry Garcia
Q Dizzy Gillespie
3 Quincy Jones
Q B. E. King
Y Bob Marley
C Buck Owens
Q Charlie Parker
Ч Prince
U Keith Richards
J Smokey Robinson
8 O Hank Williams. Jr.
Š U Frank Zappa
3 а
>
2
e See page 187 for
Sweepstakes details.
3
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2
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————Ó—————————Á—Á———— —————Ó—ÉÉPI EE EET
Male Vocalist Female Vocalist Male Vocalist Female Vocalist
о Babyface О Paula Abdul Q Clint Black A Carlene Carter
О Bobby Brown I Anita Baker I Garth Brooks I Lacy J, Dalton
T Luther Campbell 2 Ruth Brown Vince Gill О Holly Dunn
Û Johnny Gill T Whitney Houston Lyle Lovett Gk. d lang
О M. C. Hammer I Miki Howard О Eddie Rabbitt Patty Loveless
2 Howard Hewett T Michelle О Randy Travis U Kathy Mattea
О Keith Sweat Y Lisa Stansfield О Ricky Van Shelton iJ Reba McEntire
I Luther Vandross Y Caron Wheeler О Hank Williams, Jr. DK. T. Oslin
О Barry White J Angela Winbush Q Dwight Yoakam Q Dolly Parton
د ü a U Tanya Tucker
ü
Grou Albu ri
р т бгоир Album
Bell Biv Devoe Q Affection—Lisa Stansfield Û Alabama
ÛJ Digital Underground T Back on the Block Û Baillie & the Boys У Lacy J—Laey J. Dalton
T En Vogue Quincy Jones [J Desert Rose Band 3 livin’ Up—George Strait
О Eric B. & Rakim Cl Born to Sing —En Vogue О Foster and Lloyd 3 Lone Well —
T Public Enemy 1 Fear of a Black Planet — О Judds Hank Williams, Jr.
Y Salt-n-Pepa Public Enemy Û Kentucky Headhunters © On Down the Line—
T Soul II Soul J Pandemonium—Time О Nitty Gritty Dirt Band Patty Loveless
Q Technotronic J Please Hammer Dont Hurt J Restless Heart Û Pass It on Down—
О Time Em—M. C. Hammer Shenandoah Alabama
I Was (Not Was) J Po'son—Bell Biv Devoe О Southem Pacific Pickin’ on Nashville—
a — Pump Up the Jam—The a Kentucky Headhunters
Album—Technotronic Q RVS MI
ü Ricky Van Shelton
QI Version of the Truth —
Foster and Lloyd
T When | Cell Your Name—
Vince Gill
T Willie, Waylon, Johnny &
Kris—Highwayman 2
e. Ul >=
2 Julie Brown U Black Velvet —Alannah Myles
2 Adam Curry О Blaze of Glory—Jon Bon Jovi
Û Daisy Fuentes О Cradle of Love—Billy Idol
ÛJ Alvin Jones C1 Janie's Got a Gun—Aerosmith
U Shelley Mangrum (No Myth—Michael Penn
lJ Cathy Martindale J Nothing Compares 2 U—
— Martha Quinn Sinéad O'Connor
J Pauly Shore 0 On the Greener Side—
Y Donnie Simpson Michelle Shocked
Y Al Wyntor J Opposites Atiract —Paula Abdul
پا Û U Can't Touch This—
M. C. Hammer
Û Vogue —Madonna
a
Ц Aerosmith
0 David Bowie
Q Depeche Mode
C1 Janet Jackson
О Rickie Lee Jones/Lyle Lovett
1 Madonna
C) Paul McCartney
Bonnie Raitt
U Тот Tom Club/Ramones/
Debbie Harry
2 UB40
E
detach here
Y Adventures of Ford Fairlane
Days of Thunder
Dick Тасу
I Graffiti Bridge
House Party
J Mo’ Better Blues
J Pretty Woman
The Return of Superfly
I Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Q rbung Guns il
a
detach here
PLAYBOY JAZZ AND ROCK POLL
P.O. BOX 11233
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611
680 NORTE LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, IL 60611
Y PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
VOLKSWAGEN
PR E S. ENTS
HALL OF FAME
B.. orex the champagne, light the
candles and join us for the 25th-anniversary celebration of the Playboy Hall of
Fame. To get you into the mood, Volkswagen is sponsoring a sweepstakes with
an enticing prize—a new Volkswagen Corrado. And if you'd like to participate in
the Hall of Fame “Dream Album” Contest, look for details in the box on page
189. A Playboy toast to artist Jack Gregory for his clay sculptures that have im-
mortalized all our previous winners, such as music legend John Lennon (below).
7
FRANK SINATRA, 1966
A
š
LOUIS ARMSTRONG, 1966
Pipe.
DUKE ELLINGTON, 1967
f.
COUNT BASIE, 1967
RAY CHARLES, 1968
JOHN COLTRANE, 1968
EN
BENNY GOODMAN, 1968
WES MONTGOMERY, 1969 MILES DAVIS, 1969 BOB DYLAN, 1970 PAUL MCCARTNEY, 1970
E v
; А
/
b s|
MICK JAGGER, 1972 JIM MORRISON, 1972 GEORGE HARRISON, 1972
=) Tay
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EE
ELTON JOHN, 1975
LINDA RONSTADT, 1978.
KEITH MOON, 1979
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, 1980.
JOHN BONHAM, 1981
PETER TOWNSHEND, 1982
WILLIE NELSON, 1983
DAVID BOWIE, 1984
MICHAEL JACKSON, 1985
TINA TURNER, 1987
‘MADONNA, 1988
ROY ORBISON, 1990
PHIL COLLINS, 1986.
VOLKSWAGEN'S
25TH ANNIVERSARY
HALL OF FAME
SWEEPSTAKES
OFFICIAL RULES
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY
To enter, prin! your nome and address
in ploin block letters on cn Oficial
Sweepstakes Enny Form/“Dreom Al-
bum” Водо! (1's по! necessory lo indi.
cole your choce of ће fen cuis for he
“Dream Album" to be eligible to win) or
опо 3757 cord. Мой your entry with
first-class postoge olfxed in the Ploy-
boy Music Poll Ballot envelope or in ony
envelope no lorger thon o number ken
1o: Ployboy, P O. Box 11233, Chicogo,
IL 60611. For eligibitty, entries mus! be
received no Ioter thon December 15,
1990. No responsibilty is assumed for
lost, lote or misdirected entries. A new
VW Corrodo (monufacturer’s suggest
‘ed retol price, 517,900) will be oword.
ed. The winner will be selected in o
random drawing to be conducted no
loter thon Morch 15, 1991, Irom
omong all eligible entries received.
Winner selecion is under the superi-
sion of the D. L. Bloir Corporation, an
independent judging orgonizalion,
whose decisions on oll matters reloted
do this sweepsiokes ore linol. No substi-
{ution will be mode for the prize, Taxes,
licensing ond registration fees ore the
sole responsibilty of the winner
Chonces of winning cre dependent up.
on the number of eligible entries те.
ceived. Winner wil be notified by mail
ond wil be obligated lo sgn ond return
оп Affdovit of Eligibiity ond Releose of
Пойду within 30 doys of not fication.
In the event of roncomplionce within
this time period, prize will be oworded
lo on olternole winner. By accaplarce
of he prize, winner consents to fhe use
of his name, pholograph or other like-
ness for the purposes of advertising,
trode ond promotion on behalf ol Ploy-
boy Enterprises, Ine, without further
Compensoion Sweepsickes open lo
тездет ol Ihe United Sloles (except
Puerto Rico) who ore licensed drivers,
oged 1B or over as of December 15,
1990, excep! employees of Ployboy En-
terprises, Inc., D. L. Bloit Corporation
‘ond members of heir immediate fomi-
lies. Offer void wherever prohibied by
lov. All Federol, stole and locol laws,
regulolions ond restrctions opply. For
the поте of the winner (ovoloble oh-
er April 1, 1991), send o seporcie
stomped, selfoddressed envelope to
Volkswogen’s 25th Anniversory Holl of
Fame Sweepsiokes Winner, P.O. Box
4457, Bloir, NE 68009.
ENTER
VOL KSWAGE N’S
2547. Anniversary
HALL OF FAME SWEEPSTAKES
ye \ >
WIN A NEW VOLKSWAGEN CORRADO
SEND YOUR ENTRY IN WITH YOUR 1991 MUSIC POLL BALLOT
VOLKSWAGEN’S
25TH ANNIVERSARY HALL OF FAME
OFFICIAL SWEEPSTAKES ENTRY FORM/
“DREAM ALBUM” BALLOT
ZIP CODE
TO CREATE YOUR OWN
El 5 ”
pick your favorite cuts from among the Hall of Fame win-
ners and make up your own compilation album. It can be
heavy on Mick and light on Ella, or the other way around.
You're in the sweepstakes, even without picking the cuts.
1.
M
ese |
SIDE TWO
p»
= pee IN
ə |? |? |:
See the Moy 1991 Playboy issue for the winner of the Corrado and for the Readers’ Choice
"Dream Album.” Sweepstakes entries must be received no lotor thon December 15, 1990, Мой
your entry in the Playboy Music Poll Ballot envelope or in any envelope no lorger than с number
ten to: Playboy, PO. Box 11233, Chicago, IL 60611. No purchase necessory lo anter.
—
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VOLKSWAGEN GTI.
IT JUST MIGHT BE THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE.
Here's the ticket. The 1991 GTI. Take a seat, buckle up and get ready to ride. A
gutsy 1.8 liter fuel-injected engine provides the punch. And a fully-synchronized,
five-speed transmission delivers it smoothly.
Head into a turn and GTI feels like it's riding on rails—thanks to power-assisted
rack-and-pinion steering, a special sport-tuned suspension and low-profile steel
belted radials.
The new GTI. We also gave it hatchback practicality. And a long list of standard
features like teardrop alloy wheels, form-fitting sport seats and more—all for a
surprisingly affordable price.
But it's the ride that'll grab you. A ride we call Fahrvergnúgen.
Want to go again?
чы)
The line forms at your local Volkswagen dealer. =} ;
FAHRVERGNUGEN. ITS WHAT MAKES A CAR A VOLKSWAGEN.
PLAYBOY
192
jobs by other
COMING OUT RIGHT
(eontiuned from page 55)
"Hi
commanding officer read a letter he had written
home and thundered, Are you a Jew faggot?”
which he now concedes
allowed overt discrimi
ys and lesbians based on
c
лу pe
legislation.
would have
against ys
sexuality, ж:
ment-protected exclusion ol
from employment, housing and other
areas.” Although he has since modified
his position and favors a broad view of
civil liberties, while in the closet. he was,
ng, a self-h cen-
wrote to one constituent, “1
tio
the
He
certainly share your support for civil
sor
2s AL the same time, 1 cannot
ion that would gu
who were denied these
citizens believing that
his.
support legisl;
jobs to citizer
ntec
homosexuality is à perversion of nature.
I subscribe to this view. I would not want
my children taught or influenced by gay
people il this could be avoided.
Two months belore FBI agents visited
his Capitol Hill office to inform him that
they suspected him of committing
felonies by transporting men within the
District of Columbia for. homosex
sex, Bauman had nominated no less i
homophobe than Jesse Helms to be
e-President of the United States.
Yet in his book, The Gentleman from
Maryland, subtitled “The Conscience
Gay Conservative,” Bauman, like
he had no choi
coming a homosexual and does not
suggest that any other homosexu
teacher or casual acquaintance, ever
1 into this practice
Indeed, the cases of Bauman and
Liebman, along with those of thousands
of other conservative gays in the Feder
Govern gest th i
o indicator of perlo
the Government goes poking
where it has no bu: Bau-
man was considered one of the hardes
working, brightest and most. effective
conservative Congressmen until caught
in that sleazy Washington bar. Liebman
was serving faithfully in the U.S. Army
til his con ling officer read a let-
ter he had written home that included
Га
[К
cinbe-
an, argues th
homo-
sexual is nce H
Jife—un
is m
ness.
Some
ndered,
ampy relerences and th
Are vou a Jew faggot?” Liebman said. “I
guess Гапу and received a general dis-
charge
Ba an and. Liebman were
as
ays advancing a conservative move-
ment that seemed 10 delight in maki:
life miserable for homosexuals. In his
book, Bauman states, “The closets of
Washington I of gay Republicans
and gay conservatives. Many of then
serve in high Reagan Adm
n the White House `
agress and populare the
circles of power that exist in
public-relations firms, lobbying groups.
political-action. comminees, even con-
servative organizations and the Republi-
can Party structure as well.”
One such powerful. conservative was
Terry Dolan, the colounder of NCPAC,
the leading conservative fund-raising oi
ganizatio o died of AIDS in 195
While known to many of his
be gay, he never publicly acknowledged
this. Upon his death, his brother Antho-
ny, Reagan's chief speechwriter, wrote a
tortured two-page ad that he placed in
^ Washington Times, insisting that Ter-
s personal life be deemed private and
left alone by the media. A fine position.
except that what makes the plight of
conservative gays so awful is that their
clon
brook leaving the
private lives alone.
In an imerview with the
The Advocate, Liebman exhoris other
s to join him in the tand of the con-
servatives: “Give the Republican Party a
chance. Move in on them. Shake them
up. If they won't be shaken, leave them.
But don't leave the field to the enemy.
With the De ic Party the liberals,
you've [already] got a home. You should
are lu
posts. some
serve in the Cc
iw firms,
m
QW
isociates to
inant conservative gy will not
yone else's—
ty magazine
go where they dont want you.”
Not ble call to arma.
Where is it written thar only liberal
Democrats can champion civil liberty? I
there is any validity lel to the conserva
tive claim of championing the sanctity of
individual, it will mean that civilized
conservatives—led by none other than
William Buckley—need to break with
the zea
on the right, Re
challenging the
uve m Ca
famous Briggs
amia, whieh would
ichers from the sel
steney's sake, now is the
«men t0 come to il
of their party and shape the consery
tive bent as pro-choice—or give up the
ghost of being the defenders of individ-
ual liberty.
banned
“
ELIZABETH PERKINS
(continued from page 139)
“Well, you
ls so bad
was yelling at me and 1 s
know what?
from your body odor 1 сап even sit in
here, 1 don't think you should ler me
stay in this school. 1 think you should
boot me out on my ass, Û think we ought
to just call it a day” It wasnt until I be-
This ollicc
came successful in acting that my Father
forgave me for that
Та Reinhold, Jel Daniels. Al
attracted to awkwardness in mei
gooly be sexy?
poro: 1 don't know if 1 would call them
gooly. Most of the men I've worked with
are vulnerable, They've childlike, awk-
ward, human. They are not tough guys.
They're not slick like, say, Alec Baldwin
Not that Alec doesn't have vulnerability.
but he projects something a hule
more macho. And 1 tend to ly an-
tacted to el edge
but underneath, there's a real runny
yolk
Awkwardness is attractive to any wom-
an. Women's biggest problem is they
desperately try to find the vulnerable
side of hard men.
A woman finally gets to an age where
Can
ters who
she s screw that, [i to
spend the rest of my I
something out ol a tough
there or it's not. They bec
ogisis. Klutziness is much more endear
not
ing. And more real.
T
erayson: Who's your dream lead
roses—well,
ion. He once
hy is it when
vou fall in love. vou lose your sense of
humor?” PH always remember that as
Fhe Thing Albert Said. I understood it
without his having to explain it to me
Like Shakespeare, Albert has the ability
te turn the corner when you don't think
further when you doni think
em possibly keep tiking
yet he does, with such
alism. He doesn't let si He
wants to explore then to the utmost
He's sexy because noihi
ations dic.
on the sur-
sd to the
h the blood
face to
stream, I
bone.
completely intravenous
round ihe bush in
1 look Tike
There's no be
his style. He de
Kevin
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193
PLAYBOY
194
er. but that’s why I worship him
ner-up: Cha 1 love
wet that the stonishes
artes. He's a complete victim all the
time. Everything's going on all around
him and he astonishing
through the paces of everything thats
being asked of hi
just
8.
rismen: You drew attention by turn
down the role Made played on
Broadway in David Mamet's Specd-the-
Plow, What offended you about it that
didn't offend N
resins: Pt didit offe
bout it is | got an
of publicity for not doi
because Madonna did
ado!
а>
do me. Whats fun-
D
ig the role—oi
. Pm not a rav-
of David Mamet, simply because
he doesn't write roles for women. The
role in question—that of trust
secretary to а sleazy Hollywood produc-
er—was underwritten, The producer
characters abused and tricked her and
made fun of her desire to find truth in
the movie industry and to get back 10
the basics in film. maki It was ex-
tremely cynical. didn’t want to put my-
self in that position. Ironically, h
character is supposedly the symbolism ot
purity of the art of moviemaking. The
men are symbols of commercial shallow-
ness. So for the casting to include, as the
two Hollywood producers, two of Amer-
ica's foremost stage actors, who are ded-
icated to their craft, and then Madonna
as the symbol of purity was for me a typ-
ical David Mamet move, Darkly, darkly
cynical, So sue me
8.
mayo: AS one so accused, explode the
myth of the difficult actress. once and
for all
perkins: Oh, please. ls amazing to me
that each actress Гуе ever heard was
difficult is one ef my idols. Like Debra
Winger. She's called dificult. Bette
Davis was called dificult. The problem
is that women are labeled “difficult” for
the same n are called
knowing "d can guar-
antee you that if De Niro walks onto the
set and takes charge of certain things, he
is heralded for it. He is a man who
knows what he's talking about, because
he's been around lor twenty years: he
knows what works, and we should re-
spect his opinion. But I think a lot of di-
rectors are threaicned by a woman who
has an opinion. Unfortunately, a lot of
crresses. push their weight around in
terms of "My tr eno
nid that gives everybody a bad name.
10.
morros: Name your favorite um
yaris Oh, God. 1 have a hundred. 1
don’t want to sound like have a favorite.
But I will say the murderer Ed Ge
cinates me the most. TI
derer.
roskms
Moreover. all ol
| wore h
house
people alive
his
re was made from. human
an skin. He had hule
drawers of body parts. He had hun
around
his fur
bones
des, se:
covers, piano benches.
had completely lost touch with
human
ng like that. Vm fascinated with peo
ple who kill. What pushes them to that
point te
ke somebody else's life? To be
so out of touch with reality that that hor-
ror becomes your reality? I don't believe
that it has anything to do with sociology
or upbringing or child abuse, because
there are many people who are abused
who don't turn around and make lamp
shades out of other people
nm.
mayso: Is there a
would have loved to attend
verkans: Ted Bundy’s. One, because, un
til the very end, he relused to admit he
killed anybody. Tivo, because he was
law student and through much ol his
early trials insisted. on defending him-
sell Three, because he described the
murders in precise detail as if he were
the killer—hike, “If 1 were the killer,
would have stabbed her in the uppe
right forearm and left a two-inch inci-
sion’—never admitting that he killed
anyone. He's also a man who, during
one of his trials, jumped out of a third-
story window and escaped. How a hu-
man being could commit murders like
that, deny it. go so far as to describe the
murders and then defend himself in
court is absolutely fascinating. Where
does that power come from? How do
they view the world? When they ar
„ What do they
What do they leel
murder trial you
walking down the stree
see that we dont see
that we don't feel?
12.
тлум: Whats the most fu
h cemetery?
Well, I can't really
growing up
there were not a lot of places where you
could be alone with a boy Neck in a
graveyard? Hs great! There's something
Sexy about being there, Most people are
afraid of a vevard ar night. But it's
very peaceful and quiet. Nobody's goin
10 bug you. Actually, on my honevmoor
1 took. my then-husband on a picnic i
my favorite cemetery in Vermont, He
thought it was really weird
you can
13
луму: Where would
dead?
ї you be caught
Block con-
14.
1 исе nevers in Holly-
rivo: Li
wood,
ачыкы: That's a h:
so many
rd request. There
Never become involved with an
tor. [Laughs] And I have to say that 1
divorced one [Terry Kinney}, Never say
aybody that you would
in print. Never insult your
¿Never go to the 7-Eleven without
lipstick somebody will recognize. vou.
then say, “I saw her: And she didn't look
ood. She was
so y 1t the 7-Eleve:
a pack of cigarettes at three in the morn-
Looked had.” The d about
buying
your
ir i Hollywood
the apers. Never
screen your movie before it's linished
Never assume that people have taste.
Never spend all of your time with pe
ple in the movie industry. That will
screw you up more than anything. And
never let the fuckers bring vou down
15.
ad of yours.
m during his
rasos: Rob Lowe is a fri
What advice did vou give hi
girl trouble?
PERKINS: People always go [socked |, "Rob
Lowe is a friend of yours?” You mean
the video problem? I offered no advice.
I don't base my friendships on moral
judgments. Fm not saying that my
Iriends are allowed to do whatever they
want, but 1 dont think that what he did
was so god-awful that he can no longer
be my friend. What happened 10 him
was unfortunate. But what he did, mil-
lions of people do: he just got caught
and he's a celebrity, ГА like to know how
the tape got out in the first. place. lı
seems to me that somebody was count-
ing on an enormous amount of money
and publicity. Whoever it was should be
slapped on the hand for allowing the
tape to be circulated to even one news
That is a bigger crime th.
what Rob did, not that what he did was
crime
16.
riñon: You played a private dick on the
trail of indiscretion in the Alan Rudolph
movie Live al Large. Have you ever par-
ticipated in love espionage as а civilian?
rennin: Oh, sure. Lets lace it, everybody
has spied lor love at one time or another.
Nobody just falls into relationships. No-
body ever just lets things happen in love.
Theres always a certam amount of ma-
nipulation and searching and waiting.
You could call it espionage. There's call-
and hanging up when they answer
the phone to sce if they're there, There's
driving by their house il you have
heard from them. There’s se
to see if they respond. Even Hirtim
manipulation. There's a certain атой
of underhandedness that goes with the
establishment ol any love, And that’s not
meant ive connotation at all.
les just a love dance.
17.
men: What would be your tips for the
Under-Fhiny Divorce Survival Guide
ding cards
is
presen: Гуе been divorced about a year
and a half and single for three years. It’s
not easy. 1 didn't date for the first full
year of separation. And he did. within
the first month. So it's just the way two
people react. I spent an enormous
amount of time alone. Moved up to
house in the hills and never went out or
accepted a dinner invitation with any-
one, Couldn't handle it
The best thing you can do for yourself
if you are going through a divorce is to
always remember that you loved tha
person. If you deny that you ever loved
the person you are divorcing, vou will
send yourself into a frenzy and hurt
yourself more. Irs almost like saying it
never happened, and that’s bad. You
ied to that person for a r
u loved him n time
were ma
son, Y
Ac-
cept that you loved him and that you
certa
do
probably < It doesn't mean that
you can talk on the phone. It doesn't
mean you can have dinner with him
Something dies and you go through a
mourning. Except the weird thing is
that he's still alive, and thats what
you've got to accept. He's still alive, he's
ill part of your life, and you will alwa
have that. You can't deny that it was
there. Thars dangerous. It's unfair to
xh of you
үз
18.
maysoy: Lets reflect on the classic scene
in Rig where Tom Hanks, ax a trans-
formed adolescent, feels up your breast
for the first time. OF camera, who took
hold of the situation, as it were
PERKINS: Tom, the director, Penny Mar-
shall. and I spent the afternoon on that
one. 1 don't think there are 100 many
other directors who would have handled
it as wonderfully as Penny did.
The first thing we decided on was that
you would not see the breast. because
then people would have been looking
only at the breast, not at the scene. Sec-
ond, she decided to play it as a wide two-
shot instead of focusing on Tom or on
me—or focusing on the breast with a
close-up shot of his hand in actic
Tom—and I have to hand it to hin
made the decision not to play it lasc
ously. He sat down and sud. “OK, how
does my hand actually touch the breast?
Does it bang it back and forth?” And we
all decided that he would display almost
an extreme admiration and awe for her
body, versus а wourer! kind of respons
which would involve exaggerated
squeezing and bobbing, And he kept the
light on. That's what made ñ work as
tastefully and as poignantly as it did.
And then hi ide the choice to kiss me,
instead of feeling my buttocks or some-
thing stupid.
manov: You've been making a movie
called He Said, She Said, which deals with
the disparate ways men and women view
the world. So tell us: What do wome
see in everyday life that men de
merkis: Women are quick to notice
smaller things, whereas men focus on
the bigger picture. You don't see a lot of
men who sit around and do jigsaw puz-
zles. Men will look a puzzle when
it's finished and paint the back and ha
it. But women will be the ones who sit at
the table and put it together. In il
movie, scenes are told from the two
points of view. And sometimes, the
scenes are completely different, which is
so true. Same place, same time, same
clothing—totally different scenes where
ch of us hears completely different di-
alog. It's like going back and rehashing a
fight with a friend: “But you said you
never wanted to see me ар
didn't.” M
the
“We're decorating . .
and women can, blow by blow. Men see
the over-all picture. Women can remem-
ber every safety pin that was on their
skirt hem.
20.
Asoy: What can you do well that few
people suspect you can do at all?
PERKINS: I can move my right pinkie toe
independently—to the side, forward
nd back—without moving any of my
other toes. It doesn't come in handy, but
very few people actually know this about
me. It’s very hard to do. Also, I can play
the piano without reading music. Pretty
well, if I may add. Never had a lesson in
my life. Pm id to have п. Fm
icd EIE lose whatever talent I have.
Oh, and 1 can blow smoke rings out
my ass. Just kidding.
less
-aah . . . the tree.”
195
The beer for those
‚7 who drink to the beat
“ of a different drummer.
RETTET ua u A taste of another culture.
SEN STARS
for new heights of the sexually bizarre
with his Wild at Heart, siarring Laura
Dern and Nicolas Cage, who sizzle on
the big screen while Lynch's TV cre-
ations can only simmer. Gage, who has
his own reputation. for weirdness—
“Normalcy, to me, is a fantasy” he
likens women to old car
There are a lot of problematic 7075 out
there. . .. They're beautiful to look at
but not meant to be driven. You drive
them once and they break down. Then
you have to strip the car down. sell it or
plant a Molotov cocktail in the gas pipe
and see what happens. Otherwise, you
have alot ol car payments, and you even
have a total overhaul, which could in-
volve a lobotomy.”
Dern, Cage's co-star, found some Wild
scene: the one in which she gets
г knees to lick the crotch of
pants, “emt: sing." But, in a
way, the sexpot she plays is completely
in control .. . Not only do I get sexually
satisfied but I never give myself away.
There are all kinds of control. Pretty
Virginia Madsen, in Hol Spot, warns her
partner, “I'm fucking you to death."
That gives us pause. Virginia, could we
just do it till we get sick?
Jennifer Jason Leigh, who plays pre
titutes in Miami Blues and Last Exit to
Brooklyn, says she found her characters”
feelings “complicated. You're getting
paid to be humiliated, so you feel this
amazing power that you have, but at the
same ume, you know you're the one
crawling on your hands and knees, be-
ing fucked up the ass.”
Hookers are definitely hot in Holly-
wood this year. Take Pretty Woman, which
features Julia Roberts as the titular call-
Belore shooting started, Julia as-
d her mom that the film was a
“Disney movie"—overlooking the fact
that Pretly Woman was being made for
Touchstone, Disneys adult division,
Playing her best friend in the busines:
Laura San Giacomo, whose perform-
ance in last year's sex, lies, and videotape
inspired People’s Ralph Novak to observe
that “her sweaty grapplings with Peter
Gallagher are enough to give meaning-
less lust back its good name.”
Speaking of lust, an on-set spy reports
in the June Playboy that Mickey Rourke
and Carré Otis kept at each other long
after the cameras ran out of film w
shooting the climactic love scene of Wild
Orchid. What were they really up to? The
question remains unanswered, except
for the smile on Carré's face.
Cindy Crawford, incidentally, was set
for the Otis part but withdrew because
she was shy about the amount of nudity
required. Seems to be an issue with se
cral actors these days. Daryl Hannah
says there are few films in which nudity
important. “I mean, I don't make
(continued from page 180)
ropean films with atmosphere.” Well,
not since her bow in 1982's Summer
Lovers, filmed lording
generous helpings of Hannah.
After appearing naked in The Hunt for
Red October, Alec Baldwin protested to
Premiere, “It: ble for me.
Women think that guys are like, Here,
babe. Get à naked girl on top of me and
have some fun. It's not. It’s very uncom-
fortable. There's always people around.”
Family man Mel Gibson has shown his
rear in three of his past four films, but
that’s as far as hell go. Steamy love
scenes, he says, “are a lot of times unnec-
essary. Bird on a Wire originally had one
of those scenes, but it wasn't really need-
ed, so I didn't do it.”
Fortunately for us, Margaux Heming-
way opted to put some fire under her
career with a pictorial in the May
Playboy, though 71 never thought of my-
self as the Playboy type—long, skinny
legs, big boobs, perfect ass.” She needn't
have worried and we're happy she ulti-
mately concluded, “I can't tell you how
good it feels to want to show off a little
again.”
Two porn superstars who have gone
into mainstream films, on the other
hand, have found themselves blushing.
Of trying to play a brazen m ger in
Cry-Baby, Traci Lords said, Was so
embarrassing doing that—s icing my
boobs out, licking my lips." Ginger Lynn
Allen interrupted shooting on Hollywood
Boulevard Part П to wonder, "Why
my nipples hard in the jungle?” Ginger
co-star Ken Wright expressed to Premiere
a cautious reason for keeping his clothes
on in her presence. “I had it written into
my contract that I never take my pants
off,” Wright explained, outlining his
of catching something. “I almost
didn’t do this hlm.” Somehow seems less
than gallant, when you think about it.
Kevin Costner wanted to change pants
for his role as Robin Hood in Prince of
Thieves. “IF I end up in tights, you'll
know there was one hell of a battle,” he
announced prior to production. “I'm
only trying them on in the security of my
own home, so I can be the judge.
Rob Lowe raised eyebrows again this
year with his role in Bad Influence, in
which he video-tapes people having se
His character has Mephistophelean
overtones, as sweet Lisa Zane observes
when she “Sleep with the Devil and
sooner or later, you have to fuck.” These
1 seen jogging around
UCLA, in a brazen wardrobe consisting
of a pair of bright-pink running shorts
and a shirt decorated with suggestively
undraped women. Whether because of
the outfit or because of his reputation,
Lowe attracts a lot of attention from fc
male admirers. But, he avowed to Inter-
he never takes advantage
of them, “In no way would I ever as-
sume when I meet some girl that sl
wants to sleep with me; that doesn't
n Greece and
view magarin
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LOGNE FOR MEN
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PLAYBOY
198
my mind. 1 think somebody who
ПЕТЕ
you
enter
did assume that would be such i
ferably arrogant person that
couldn't be around him.”
Andrew Dice Clay does assume that
nts him, at least in Hol-
Iywood. “I come out to L.A. and it's, like,
any girl y
why don't you come ov
h “1 just couldn't beli
wer than the guys.
guns pulled on me by chicks— woke up
another time handcuffed to my window.
And she's laughi
Does this make € an insuflerably ar-
rogam person whom others do
Well, several
"he told Ln.
ve it. They
Td have
abandoned plans
film.
Speaking of arrowance—insullei
to some, admirable to others--Donold
Trump took an imperial pose as his wile.
Ivana, lought for possession with model
Marla Maples. Ihe light, which hit the
headlines alter a scrap in Aspen, contin-
ued in court, where Ivana is seeking to
undo a prenuptial agreement. Trump
characteristically looked upon both of
his blondes m planetary fashion—with.
himself as the sun, of course. “Гуе made
a lot of satellites,” The Donald boasted,
“Hey, whether it's Marla or Ivan,
can do any movie she wants to now.
а do WIE she want
rs she will new
How" as а
may not
not money.” Marla sw
sign
prenup
have to worry. As the fi
of his empire p was
showing no rush to fill Maples’ No Ex-
cuses jeans with wedded assets.
When his own short mar
Sarah Owen ended. James Woods pro-
claimed lasting gratitude to his lawyer
for a prenuptial agreement with the
Mrs., noting, “My lile would have been a
without it” A
gazine piece on prenups quoted the
ing his attorney had warned
age wouldn't dust six
ad, sure enough. trouble start-
Ming coordinator intro-
duced aher n
A ten-ye rder on the divorce of
David and Angela Bowie ran out this
year, freeing her to go on IV to claim
she'd once caught her husband in bed
with Mick Jagger. “ls no bis deal.” she
id. “I didnt say 1 saw them on the
job.” Jagger called the alleg: com-
plete rubbish” and David responded via
something so
al agreeme
worse
sheer and utter di
mi
ster
the
months
ed alter
mar
the w
li to.
r gag
gela has to say.
Lighten up. L
saying thi
about you, you woi
mor
vid. When people stop
ridiculous or oth
tbe a Sex Star any-
wise.
his next song, ladies and gentlemen, is
dedicated to all of Y you oul there who are in loi
who were in love... or
wailing lo be in love. . . .
AR
who are
(coutinned [rom page SO)
Call
^s easiest re-
al coverage by an outsider.
Marty” is the edite
course lor the special case. (Where nar-
тому Catholic or Jewish views are
he call o Marty may be alteri
h cally 10 Richard McBrie
Arthur Hertzberg.)
ed w
‘The severest test 10 this хе restraint
in the coverage of religion at camp
time was Jimmy Carter s candidacy. He
was the nominee of
in 1976, the wi
disconceried m
"backward" ku
ender. Yet he
ls by
“born
Christi:
ns are, in
Some sense,
be born of water and
of the Spirit. he c 1 enter into
kingdom of God. . .. Marvel not
(E said unto thee. Ye must be
эпи ag;
HN is true that evangelicals stress the
concept of rebirth, using it to describe
the psychological experience of being
saved—and that, 160. was considered an
oddity in Cart gelicals
ake up the largest number ol Chris-
tians in America, and 40 percent of the
population called itself born again in re-
sponse to a 1989 survey,
How did such a sizable part of the
population escape for so long the notice
of journalists and political analysts? P:
ly. this was the result of elitism. Eva
gelical believers ave less
educated and allluent than members
of the signiheantly named “mainlin
churches. Many people accepted ma
line as а term indicating the predomi-
nant, if nor quie (he mainstream.
churches. But the word was appropri-
ately borrowed Irom Philadelphia s term
for the artery extending into the city’s
established suburbs, The mainstream of
American religion has always been evan-
gelical. George Marsden, the best siu-
dent of the subject. says that evangelical
Protestantism was “the dominant force
in American life” during the 19th С
tury, when it made up the "unofficial re-
sus establishment” of our politics.
Nathan O. Hatch has traced the role
experiential m played in the de-
mocratization of America. The revival
has been the distinctively American re
Lo the extent that oth-
er religions take on an American
character. they tend toward. revivalist
That explains why a Онам ily such
as the Nix uld attend one of the
st Paul Rad als, where
ikin
gious experience
FOR MEN WHOSE EMOTIONS RUN DEEP
MEMBERS ONLY.
ALL ABOUT MEN
of Billy Graham than of George Fox.
Ihe Catholic scholar Jay P Dolan. has
ticed the way his Church acquired re-
alistic touches in the Pre ng ol
parish “missions.” leading up by way of
hell-live sermons (often delivered hy the
Passionist Fathers, a r tic reli
order) to long lines at the confessionals.
replicating the files of sinners making
their “deci is” at the end of
a Billy G
The evangelical Graham has been,
over the years. the и admired man in
America. He is always high on the list of
people that title in surveys, and h
stays there as other leaders come and
0. He has been in the top ten unimer-
iptedly for 35 years. During the Eight
+ he averaged third on the list, flanked
by Pope John Paul [Land Jesse Jackson.
sus leaders made up a ma-
y of the top ten, since the two Amer
Presidents named (Reagan and
Carter) were known for their religiosity.
as was the Catholic leader in Poland.
Lech Walesa
Although Graham represents the.
broad stream of religious experience in
America—something politicians have
recognized and tried to use over the
ham rally.
years—commentators continue to neg-
lector dismiss the elements of that expe-
rience: revivalism, Biblical literalism,
millennial hope (ior the Second Coming
of Christ). Yet these have profoundly
fluenced our polities, right down to
shape given to political rallies and
ional conventions. Whe
illen
me
з always
new
ıl sects proclaim
end of near, these
* not
ilestations ol à cen-
the apocalyp-
n settlers to
seen as the latest m
tral theme in our histoi
rit that drove 2
pple w Is instrument in
the wilderness. The religious rhetoric of
the miller was more useful to ora-
tors of the American Revolution than
were maxims of the Enlightenment. The
millennium proved just as services
the Civil War. whether to fill with apoc
Iyptic smoke Julia Ward Howe's The Bat-
He Hymn of the Republic ov to steer war
toward a “peaceable kingdom” in Abra-
ham Lincoln's writings. So, when the
followers of Elizabeth Clare Prophet
gathered in 1990 10 go underground
the world's rending, they were as Amer:
ican as apple pie—or violence.
Yet there is a reluctance 10
America that can produce
Prophet as frequently as a Dr.
member when, in the Sixties, Jou
were trying to report on black milita
In attempts to understand the move
ment from the inside, works supposed
to be revelatory were studied with imen-
siiy—Prantz Fanons Black Skin, White
Masks өг The Autobiography of Malcolm N.
With Fanon, people were willing to lol
low recondite musings on negritude,
and with Malcolm, 10 juggle complex
Arican and lies. But it
plor t the
seems too much to ask journalists 10
read the Bible (of all things) in order to
understand a Pat Robertson or a Jesse
ackson—or ever Dr. King. I know
from experience that it is considered a
Title kookie for a journalist to know
w premillennial dispensationalism
is—though that is the most important
concept in fundamentalism.
Fundamentalists are not so numerous as
evangelicals, but they ar
of the larger evangelical md have
папу ties to other members of that Eum
ily. And no group making up a fifth of
the population can safely be ignored by
anyone trying to understand America.
People who knew nothing of the int
gelical eschatology were
reporting, in the Sisties, on the
ot God”
schools. That notion acuually led some to
think there was a falling off f
gion in the Sixtics, though religious pro-
ion and observance generally held
steady. There has been a decline in
religions over the past three
decades or so—but that affected the less
populous denominations (e.g., Episco-
рабап», who make up only two percent
of the nation, or Presbyterians. three
percent), The big evangelical churches
s the Baptists, 20 percent of the
growing.
An evaporation of belief toward the
lop of the socioeconomic scale occurs
regularly in America. Doctrine thins out
the: mong Un s early in the
19th Century or theological liberals ear
ly in the 20th, This is seen as a betrayal
of belief by those lower in the seale, who
often compensate with a renewal of their
own fervor—as the fundamentalists did
in responding to theological liberals.
Part of the evangelical “resurgence” of
the Seventies was a matter ol new voices
being heard as the elite denominations
fell silent on religion, learning to speak
in more secular terms. The religious
vote has been, increasingly, an evangeli
cal vote, which helps c
that recent Pre:
Reagan, Bush
selves born
The need to know something about
American religion—if only 10 under-
stand one’s enemies—will be especially
pressing as the 20th Century comes to
an end. The num of such a hinge in
the world’s history always prompts
alyptic dreams of fiery conclusion
rosc-tinted beginnings. The end of the
millennium reminds millennialists of
what their own name me
Cults of all sorts will make this a time
ol ecumenical forebodings; the deepest
musings will be Ch л. since the end
of time is a concept so deep and om-
nipresent in Christian theology, Just as
orthodox s consider them-
selves born again. so all believers profess
to be living, in some measure, through
cacies ol evi
n reli-
fe:
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Shorelines during the 1989
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a difference.
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Center for
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PLAYBOY
the “end time.” At a minimu the
Christian Scriptures say that Jesus
brought the final dispensation to history.
There will come no later prophet or law-
giver to establish a different relationship
between God and man. The final
covenant was sealed in Christ's blood.
Religious history has, in that sense,
nowhere to go beyond the New Testa-
ment. As far as Christians are con-
cerned, Cardinal Newman described the
orthodox view:
But when once the Christ had
come, as the son over his own
house, and with his perfect Gospel,
nothing remained but to gather in
his saints. No higher priest could
come, no truer doctrine. The light
and life of men had appeared, and
had suffered, and risen again: and
nothing more was left to do. Earth
had had its most solemn event,
and scen its most august sight; and
therefore it was the last time. And
hence, though time intervene be-
tween Christs first and Second
Coming, it is nor recognized (as one
may say) in the Gospel scheme, but
$, as it were, an accident. For so it
was, that up to Christ's coming in
the flesh, the course of things
ght toward that end, nearing it
by every step; but now, under the
Gospel, that course has (if I may so
speak) altered its direction, as re-
gards his Second Coming, and
runs, not toward the end, but along
it, and on the brink of it; and is at all
times equally near that great event,
which, did it run toward, it would at
an
once run into. Christ, the
at our doors; as near 1800 ye
as now, and not neare
then; and not nearer
comes than now. When he sa
he will come soon, "soon"
word of time, but of natural order
This present. state of things, "the
present distress" as Saint Paul calls
it, is ever close upon the next world,
and resolves itself into it. As when a
man is given over, he may die any
moment, yet lingers, as an imple-
ment of war may any moment ex-
ever
sago
now than
when he
that
nora
plode, and must at some time: as we
listen for a clock to strike, and at
length it surprises us; as a crum
bling arch hangs, we know not how,
and is not safe to pass under, so
creeps on this feeble weary world,
and one day, before we know where
we are, it will end.
All Christian theology has been p
meated by this theological version of
“the end of history.” The Lord's Prayer
is an eschatological prayer. Early Chr
tians thought not only that they were liv-
ing in the last age but that this age would
end soon. Much of the fear and exalta-
tion of the earliest Christian letters cen
tered on this expecta
wrote about it in a kind of frantic code;
from that language, some of the most
bizarre aspects of American religion
have taken their rise. It is a forbidding
subject in a secular age; yet no one can
understand evangelicals’ emotional tem-
perature without addressing it. When
the Quayle family's interest in a funda-
mentalist preacher (Colonel Robert
“Гое got the toys—Donner's got all the batteries
and instructions for assembly!"
Thieme) came into the news during the
1988 campaign, odds and ends of his
preaching were printed, with no real at-
tempt to see how they were structured
or how closely they were related to the
whole fundamentalist endea
The hope of new life i
will almost certainly stimulate mystical
pirations of the sort now fostered by
New Age mov Some evangelic
see in this “false religion" itself a sign ol
the apocalypse. History will culminate in
the forging of a “world rule” under a di-
abolic “angel of light.” In any chain
bookstore, one can find dozens of titles
in the New Age section—and, sure
enough, there are three dozen or so ti
iles to be found now in evan
stores exposing the dangers of New Age
igion. Even the threat of peace break-
ing out after the Cold War tends to
frighten millennialists, who denounce
one-worldism, whether it is represented
by the “godless” UN or the “apostate”
World Council of Churches. A European
community ining ex-Soviet ele-
ments is the kind of “false peace” against
which the religious right is always well
armed. Indeed, New Age eschatology
unit number of the fundamentalists
old villains—evolution, through the al-
leged influence of Teilhard de Chardi
New Age thought: the “mind control
ry and “Deweyite” education;
| Rome, through the ecumeni-
cal work of Catholics with Easternes
But the century's end may be more
marked by domestic than by intern
t t. The makings of a cultural
war are present in religious attacks on
pornography, homosexuality, abortion
and the eroticism of rock music and tele-
again the myth that the
Empire was sluiced to its ruin
a slither of lubricity—as opposed 10 the
economic conditions mode:
ship finds underlying ú
cline.
The dying of an era promotes an ob-
session with decadence—with ideas of
decline, decay and the feeble stylish
called dandyism. When these are not de:
nounced, they are celebrated, as in
mille Paglia's giant new celebration of
the decadent, Sexual Personae. The mil-
lennial malaise of the 1890s/1980s, the
fin-de-sieele failure of nerve, will intensify
specul
or.
new century
nts.
lical book-
coni
п scholar-
Roman de-
55
own ends—end of
‚end of the Cold
nsi the rec
expectation of the world’s end.
The Bible will not be at the center of all
these developments, it will be of
more importance th: n Fano
wor to the modern role of blacks.
We neglect it at our own peril.
Ei
on about ou
rent
agi
but
As enjoyable as your flakiest friend.
As satisfying as getting the drift.
As easy as hanging out with a cool crowd
That's a taste of what
Windsor is all about.
Windsor.
One taste and you're there.
Windsor Canadian Supreme Whisky, 40°U Alc. by Vol. (80 proof). Imported and bottled by the Windsor Distillery Co. Deerfield, IL. © 1900.
Windsor and Soda.
So you think you're gonna
2] try and keep this shot of
3) Mezcal dry with that little
3 pink umbrella.'Fraid not.
-'Cause you don't mess with Monte.
So you say you've had a wild run-in with Monte?
Let's hear about it. To send letters or to join The Monte Alban Golden Worm Club,
write: Golden Worm Club, PO. Box 3994 PL-3, Chicago, IL 60690
©1990 Monte Alban Mezcal 80 Proof. Imported by Barton Brands, Ltd. Chicago, IL
UNLOCKING TELE ALR continued from page 102)
“It has been authoritatively demonstrated that there
are not enough people to stop a tank.”
sang. The soldiers raised their muskets
to the ready, the soldiers aimed their
Iles, the soldiers poised their machine
s They were young, the soldie
hey fired. The stones lay down, the pi
geons fell. There's a kind of red stone
called pigeon blood, a ruby The red
stones of Roukh Square were nev
bies; slosh a bucket of water over them
or let the rain fall and they're gray
again, lead-gray, common stones, Only
now and then, in certain years, they
have flown, and turned to rubies.
.
This is a bus. Nothing to do with fairy
tales and not romantic; certainly realis-
though, in a way, in principle, in fact,
is highly idealistic. A city bus, crowded
with people, in a city street in central
Europe on a November afternoon and
it's stalled. What else? Oh, dear Oh,
damn. But no, it hasn't stalled; the en-
е, for a wonder, hasn't broken down;
it's just that it can't go any farther. Why
not? Because there's a bus stopped in
‘ont of it, and another one stopped in
front of that one at the cross street, and
it looks like everything has stopped. No-
body on this bu as heard the word
gridlock, the name of an exotic disease
of the mysterious West. There arent
enough private cars in Krasnoy to bring
about a gridlock even if they knew what
it was. There are cars, and a lot of
wheezing, idealistic buses, but all there is
enough of to stop the Row of traffic in
Crasnoy is people. It is a kind of equa-
proved by experiments conducted
over many years, perhaps not in a whol-
ly scientific or objective spirit but
nonetheless presenting a well-docu-
mented result confirmed by repetition
There are not enough people in this city
to stop a tank. Even in much larger
cities, it has been authoritatively demon-
strated as recently as last spring that
there are not enough people to stop a
tank. But there are enough people in
this city to stop a bus, and they are doing
so. Not by throwing themselves in front
of it, waving banners or singing songs
about Liberty's eternal day, but merely
by being in the street, getting in the way
of the bus, on the supposition that the
bus driver has not been trained in either
homicide or suicide, and on the same
supposition ich all cities stand
or fall—that they are also getting in the
way of all the other buses and all the car
and in one another's way, too, so U
nobody is going much of anywhere, in a
physical sense.
“We're going to have to walk from
here,” Stefana said, and her mother
clutched her imitation-leather handbag.
‘Oh, but we сапт, Капа. Look at that
crowd! What are they Are the 3i
It's Thursday, ma'am,” said a large,
red-faced, smiling man just behind them
in the aisle. Everybody was getting off
the bus, pushing and talki
Yesterday, I got four blocks closer
than this,” a woman said crossly.
And the red-faced man said, “Ah, but
is Thursd:
Fifieen thousand
somebody
And somebody else said,
thousand today!”
“We can never get near the Square. 1
don't think we should try,” Bruna told
her daughter as they squeezed into the
crowd outside the bus door.
“You stay with me, don't let go and
don't worry.” said the student of Early
Romantic Poetry, a tall, resolute young
woman, and she took her mother's hand
in а firm grasp. “It doesn't really matter
where we get, but it would be fan if you
could see the Square. Let's try Let's go
round behind the post office.”
verybody was trying to go in the
same direction. Stefana and Bruna got
across one street by dodging and stop-
ping and pushing gently, then turning
inst the flow, they troued down a
nearly empty alley, cut across the cob-
bled court in back of the Central Post
Office and rejoined an even thicker
crowd moving slowly down a wide street
and out from between the buildings
“There, there's the palace, see!" said Ste-
fana, who could see it, being taller. “This
is as far as we'll get except by osmosis.
They practiced osmosis, which necessi-
tated letting go of each other's hands
and made Bruna unhappy.
This is far enough, this is fine here.”
Bruna kept saying. “I can see every
thing. There's the roof of the palace.
Nothing's going to happen, is i? |
mean, will anybody speak?” It was not
what she meant, but she did not want to
shame her daughter with her fear, her
daughter who had not been alive when
the stones turned to rubies. And she
spoke quietly because although there
were so many people pressed and press-
ш into Roukh Square, they were not
noisy. They talked to one another in or
dinary, quiet voices. Only now and then,
somebody down nearer the palace
shouted out a name, and then many oth-
er voices would repeat it with a roll and
crash like a wave breaking. Then they
would be quiet again, murmuring vastly,
like the sea between big waves.
The streetlights had come on. Roukh
ам time," said
"ty, fifty
Square was sparsely li
cast-iron standards with double
that shed a soft light high in the air.
Through that serene light, which
seemed to darken the sky, came drift
small, dry flecks of snow.
The flecks meled to droplets. on
Stelana's dark short hair and on the
scarf Bruna had tied over her fair short
hair to keep her ears warm
When Stefana stopped at last, Brana
stood up as tall as she could, and be:
cause they were standing on the
edge of the Sq . in [ront of the old
dispensary, by craning, she could see the
great crowd, the faces like snowflakes,
countless. She saw the evening darken-
ing, the snow falling, and no way out,
and no way home. She was lost in the
forest. The palace, whose few lighted
windows shone dully above the crowd,
was silent. No one came out, no one
went in. It was the seat of government; it
held the power. It was the powerhouse,
the powder magazine, the bomb. Power
had been compre: ammed into
those old reddish walls, packed and
forced into them over years. over cen-
turies, till if it exploded, it would burst
with horrible violence, hurling pointed
shards of stone. And out here in the twi-
light, in the open. there was nothing but
soft faces with shining eyes, solt little
breasts and stomachs and thighs protect-
ed only by bits of cloth.
She looked down at her feet on the
pavement. They were cold, She would
have worn her boots if she had thought
it was going to snow, if Fana hadn't hur-
ried her so. She felt cold, lost, lonely to
the point of tears. She set her jaw and set
her lips and stood firm on her cold feet
on the cold stone.
There was a sound, sparse, sparkling,
faint, like the snow crystals. Ehe crowd
had gone quite silent, swept by low
laughing murmurs, and through the si-
lence ran that small, discontinuous sil-
very sound.
What is that?” asked Bruna, begin-
ning to smile. “Why are they doing
that?”
g
.
This is a committee meeting. Surely
you don't want me to describe a commit-
tee meeting? It meets as usual on Friday
at II in the morning in the basement of
the Economics Building. At 11 on Friday
sht, however, it is still meeting, and
there are a good many onlookers, sever-
al million, in fact, thanks to the foreign-
er with the camera, a television camera
with a long snout, a one-eyed snout that
peers and sucks up what it sees The
cameraman focuses for a long time on
the tall dark-haired girl who speaks so
eloquently in favor of a certain decision
concerning bringing a certain man back
to the capital. But the millions of on-
lookers will not understand her argu-
ment, which is spoken in her obscure 203
PLAYBOY
204
age and is not translated for them.
All they will know is how the eye snout of
the camera lingered on her young face,
sucking il.
.
This is a love story. Two hours later
the cameraman was long gone, but the
committee was still meeting,
No, listen." she said, "sei
the moment when the betrayal is always
made, Free elections, yes; but if we don't
look past that now, when will we? And
who'll do it? Are we a country or a client
state changing patrons?”
“You have lo go one step at a time,
consolidating
When the da
usly, thus is
n breaks? You have to
shoot the rapids! All at once!”
ls a matter of choosing direc-
поп: Б
“Exactly, direction. Not being carried
senselessly by events.”
“But all the events are sweeping in
one direction.”
They always do. Back! You'll see
“Sweeping to what, to dependence on
the West instead of the East, like Fima
said?
“Dependence is inevitable—realign-
ment. but not occupation
“The hell it won't be occupation! Oc-
cupation by money, materialism, thi
markets, their values. You dont think
we can hold nsi them, do yo
What's social justice to a color-TV se
That battle’s lost belore irs fought.
wi
ere do we stane
"Where we always stood. In an abso-
lately untenable position.”
He's right. Seriously, we are exactly
where we always we body else is.
They have caught up with us.
ment, for this moment. and so
mienable position is the
center of power. Now. We can act now.
lo prevent сою ГА zation? How?
The dam's broken! The goodies come
flooding in. And we drown in them."
Not if we establish the direction, the
true direction, right now y
ge listen 10 us? Why are
we turning back when we should be go-
forward? I wes
We have to establish:
“No! We have to act! Freedom can be
established only in the moment of fi
dom——
They were all shouting at once in their
hoarse, worn-out voices. They had all
been talking and listening and drinking
bad coffee and living for days. for weeks,
on love. Yes, on love; these are lovers?
quarrels. I is for love that he pleads, it is
for love that she rages, It was always for
love. That's why the camera snout came
poking and sucking into this dirty base
ment room where the lovers meet. It
craves love, the sight of love; for il you
can't have the real thing, you can watch
it on TV, and soon you don't know the
real thing from the images on the little
sercen where everything, as he said, can
we can act The
ep
be done in two seconds, But the lovers
know the difference,
E
літу tale, and you know that
y tale, alter it says that they
lived happily ever after. there is no alter
The evil enchantment was broken: the
good servant received hall the kingdom
as his reward; the king ruled long and
well. Remember the moment when the
betrayal is made, and ask no questions
Do not ask if the poisoned fields grew
white again with grain. Do not ask if the
leaves of the forests grew green dha
spring. Do not ask what the maiden
ceived as her reward. Remember
le of Koshchey the Deathles
This i
in the
the
whose
life was in a needle, and the needle was
in an egg, and the egg was in a swan,
nd the swan was in an eagle, and the
eagle was in a woll, and the wolf was in
the palace whose walls were built of the
stones of power, Enchantment within
enchantment! We are a long way from
the egg that holds the needle thar must
be broken so Koshchey the Deathless
1 die. And so the tale ends. Thousands
nd thousands of people stood on the
slanting pavement before the palace
Snow sparkled in the ait, and the people
sang. You know the song. that old song
with words like land, love. free, in the l;
ge you have known the longest. His
words make stone part from stone, ils
words prevent tanks. its words trans-
form the world. when it is sung at the
right time by the righi people afi
nough people have died tor singing it
A thousand doors opened in the walls
of the palace. The soldiers ud down
their arms a hant-
ment was broken. The good king
turned to his kingdom. and the people
danced for joy on the stones of the city
streets.
id sang. The evil c
D
And we do not ask what happened aft-
ex But we can tell the story over, we can
tell the story till we get it right
“My daughter's on the Committee of
the Student Action Council,” said Stefan
Fabbre to his neighbor Florens Aske
they stood in a line outside the bakery
on Pradinestrade. His tone of voice was
complicated
"I know. Erreskar saw her on the tele-
vision,” Aske said.
“She says they've decided that bring-
ing Rege here is the only way to provide
n immediate, credible transition, They
think the army will accept him.
They shullled forward a step.
Aske, an old man with a hard brown
face and narrow eyes, stuck his lips out,
thinking it over.
“You were in the Rege g
Fabbre said.
Aske nodded. Minister of education
for a week," he said, and gave a bark like
a sea lion —owp!—a cough or a laugh.
“Do you think he can pull it off?
Aske pulled his grubby muffler closer
wernment,”
round his neck and said, “Well, Rege is
nor stupid. But he's old. What about that
scientist, that physicist fellow?
Rochoy. She says their idea is that
Rege’s brought in first, for the transi-
tion. Jor the symbolism, the link 10 Filo
six. And il he survives, Rochoy would be
the one they d vun in an election
“The dream of the election,
They shullled forward again. They
were now in Irom ol the bakery window
only eight or ten people from the door
“Why do they put up the old man?
asked the old man. “These boys and
girls, these young people, What the dev-
il do they want us for again?
“L don't know,” Fabbre said. ^I keep
thinking they know what they're doing
She had me down there, you. know
made me come to one of their meetings.
She ci to the lab—Come on, leave
that, follow me! T did. No questions
She's in charge All of them, twenty-two,
twenty-three, they're in ch In paw-
er. Seeking structure, order, but very
definite: Violence is deleat, to them, vio-
lence is the loss of opt
lutely certain
ons. They're abse
ind completely ignorant
Like spring—like the lambs in spring
They have never done anything. and
they know exactly what to do.”
“Stefan,
had been standing at his elbow f
said his wile, Bruna, who
seve
al sentences, “you're lecturing. Hello,
dear. Hello, Florens, I just saw Margarita
at the market, we were queuing for cab-
n my way downtown, ейп,
FW be back, 1 doni know, sometime
alter seven, maybe.”
he said
And Aske said. “Downtown?
“IS Thursday,” Bruna sud. and
ing up the keys from her handbag
the two apartment keys and the desk
key, she shook them in the air before the
men’s faces, making а silvery jingle: and
she smiled.
“Pl come,” said Stefan Fabbre
Owp! Owp!” went Aske. “Oh, hell
UI come, too. Does man live by bread
alone?”
WII Margarita worry where you
Bruna asked as they left the bak-
ery line and set off toward the bus stop.
“Thats the problem with the women
you said the old man. “They worry
that shell worry. Yes. She will. And you
worry about your daughter. ch?
“Yes.” Stefan said, “I do.
“No.” Bruna said, ^1 dont, I fear he
1 fear for her. E honor her. She gave m
the keys.” She clutched her imitation
leather handbag tight between her arm
are
This is the truth, They stood on the
stones in the lightly falling: snow and lis-
tened to the silvery, trembling sound of
thousands of keys being shaken, unlock-
ing the air, once upon a timc.
THE ANDAMAN SEA
(continued from page 92)
“I watched a sailfish tail-walk across the surface and
concluded I didn't have to die to go to heaven.”
watched a 120-pound sailfish tail-walk
100 meters across the surface. of that
mirror. and the fisherman ins ë
concluded that he didn’t have to die to
go to heaven.
OL course. il the hsh had been on the
other end of my line instead of my
wifes, I probably would have tried «
death after all, just from the pure jolt of
adrenali I have felt the surge and
buck ofan ra moment) the
lilt and pull ofa s nd the two are
about even in my book. Be, and the
beast. I know they both have their cham-
pions, but the Andaman Sea made a
sailfish believer of me, because it is the
most beautiful fish running. Blue. green
and silver blend furiously in the web-
work of its sail
Now. watching it on the end of Pays
line. 400 meters away, I realized this was
what I had come lor. 1 needed that real-
ization, had been a long
strange trip to the Andaman Sea. The
because it
ods ol the islanders cons]
me. World politics threw its wrench
100. But Т was on a charter boat named
Ocean Bird out of Phuket (the resort
town on the southwest coast ol. Thai-
land). snug in the piscatorial arena of
what I was already beginning to think ol
as “my lake.” Paradise is always a pain in
ass Lo get u
sir. we don't do those kinds ol
id the inst travel agent Г called.
1 called him because his name was Ken
Fish and he was listed
firm nia
1 had in mind. But with the first words
out of his mouth, 1 hit a brick wall. OR.
so my reputation as a—how can 1 put
this gracelully?—a boulecardier had pre-
ceded me. 1 was a married man now
and of my three obsessions—sex. food
and fishing—only the last was left
“Those kinds of tours” were, obvious-
ly enough, sex tours, hedonistic excur-
sions into the Beshpots of Patpong Road,
the Cowboy District, Bangkok, Thai
and. The Thai sex indusiry got its kick.
t from the U.S. military
g the Viemam war (al
nents ol imperialism).
presence
du
dish
jor source of foreis
towism—apparently abeued Dv the
popularity of the sex sallies—is the m;
exchange for the
Thai economy, ahead of vice
So 1 had a tile trouble convincing
Fish about the purity of my motives. He
actually was one of the lew State-
side travel agents who had caught on to
the real draw of the Andaman Sea. As
the Caribbean gets too familiar and even
Australia gets crowded. Thailand looks
more and morc tive to the loose
coterie ol. fishing tourists. trophymen
and Hemingway clones who travel the
international game circuit. Five or even
three years ago, Phuket simply did not
have the facilities to support serious
game fishing. Bur just recently, the char-
ter business has boomed, and fairly well-
equipped boats can be had for about SSO
per person or $480 а day.
The Andaman Sea trip was to be my
dry run. my first tourist excursion 10
Thailand since my marriage. Fish, the
man, set me up to go alter fish, the ani
mal. A man, a plan, a fish—Andaman
He chartered me on the Ocean Bird out
of Chalong Bay. Phuket, for a day excur-
sion to Chicken Island for sailfish, stop-
overnight stay on Phi Phi
all through the next day
y to Chalong the next
lso booked me on a shark
fishing trip alon;
Mer
the coastal shelf of
go. but Û told him thar
with a Tall One!
Tt may seem very
adventurous to
enjoy the premium
VSOP Napoleon.
French Brandy in
any way other than
in a snifter . . . but
RAYNAL devotees
in 129 countries
nt be wrong
mixing it in almost
as many ways!
RAYNAL.
Aged & bottled
in France.
205
PLAYBOY
206
ted with a one-day excursion
are precincis of Burma—ex-
1 was disappointed.
since shark fishing has the faint tang of
danger to it: IS done at night, with the
great white as its ultimate prev.
Like all lucky fishing trips, this one
ted out badly. We few into Bangkok
from Hong Kong, had time for an idle
tour of a few nearby wats, then tried to
check into the Grace, The Grace Hotel is
a little downscale for most people's
tastes, but I remembered it fondly—too
fondly. “Ah, Mr, Goldstein,” the pleas-
antly happy-faced manager greeted me,
ind before 1 could warn him off, he
went on: “You want two-girl suite? Air
mattress lotsa soap suds,” laughing like a
maniac. We stayed at the Hilton.
The community of sport fishermen
forms a loose-knit private cabal, like that
of golf, say, or surfing, though its mem-
bers would shudder at the comparison.
Its top echelon are the trophy hunters,
the men who enter tournaments and
hire themselves out as guides, | was a
parvenu compared with some of those
pros, and even the avidity of some ama-
teurs made me look like a mere worm
fisher. Melanoma candidates all, par-
broiled and wizened as old men, they
haunt the shores of Bimi nd Perth,
making side trips to the Baja, maybe, or
Newfoundland
I traveled to Th
Penn International reels couched in a
traveling case lined with black velvet,
and a smaller case with two lighter SI
manos. The Penns are the Rolls-Royce
of salt-fishing reels (a bad metaphor,
since I once owned a Rolls, and it caused
me more grief than pleasure). They are
beautiful objects, for starters, and re
semble nothing in their smooth ellicie:
су more than Swiss-clock escapements. 1
listed sex, food and fishing as my three
obsessions, but I actually have another
one, which also survived the matrimon
al cut: gadgets. H is wrong to love ob-
jects, the philosophers will tell you, but
then, no philosopher has ever reeled in
i trophy-sized marlin for me.
The Ocean Bird, a rather dump
looking — white-and-blue — 50-footer,
chugged out of Chalong Вау, on the
stern side of the finger of land occu-
pied by the paradise known as Phuke
Island. Unfortunately, we weren't on
H chugged back in, picked us up and
chugged out again. By nine o'clock,
Thai time, we were trolling for tuna,
Kingfish and sailfish, on our way to
Chicken Island, Jonas, our Thai captain
and guide, assured me that Chicken Is-
land was the finest sailfish ground in
Asia, 1 had my Penns rigged to 80-
pound rods and my Shimanos to 50-
pound, and | was all set. Jonas used Jet
Plug lures for tuna and knifelike Rapa
for the larger fish, baited with live sar.
dines from the bait tank on board.
On the way out, I began to taste wh
wip conlli
into the
сизе me, Myanm
land with a set of two
an amazing fish tank the Andaman is. 1
was fooling with a smaller rod when Par-
ty pulled in the fattest skipjack tu 1
had ever seen. It was barrel-chested, if
fish do, indeed, have chests (this one
did), and it reminded me of those little
сй dogs elderly people are prone
to herd along the sidewalks of New
York. Fat tuna meant a happy. healthy
tood chain: If they were this big this far
down in the pecking order, 1 salivated
about what the really big fish were like.
I found my answer when what turned
out to be a [our-foot. wahoo suddenly
slammed my line. The Shimano whined
like a denuüst's drill. Thinking I had a
trophy-sized sailfish, 1 immediately
asked for the fighting chair when it hit,
but the crew just laughed and fitted me
with a stand-up harness. Sailfish or no,
the
making ragged plunges against the arc
ol the line, working itself back and forth,
testing the limits of its doom. It was fine,
high action, and when they galled him, I
felt a bit of the same thrill I had when I
nabbed my first bluefish off the coast of
Long Island, lo, these many years ago.
The wahoo's colors fade upon cap-
ture, like a street gang member's colors.
d he becomes indistinguishable from
his less feisty cousin, the king mackerel
If you can't tell from the fight, you can
see what you have as they bring it along-
side: The wahoo, what the locals call Pla
Insi, has distinetive vertical stripes on a
wahoo fought like a divorce lawyer,
silvery body, while the dorsal of the
mackerel is the emerald of a dragonfly
But they both turn gray and flat in the
ir, and Patty and I couldn't tell which
was which after she pulled in a ma 1
and it was stored next to my wahoo.
But fish 1 was after I had
never caught a big one, a keeper, a den
ornament. My father had one on the
wall of our apartment when | was grow-
ing up. and I remember fetishizing it,
both as evidence of my father’s prowess
(t meant, to my young mind, that he
would always be there to bring home the
kill) and as a harbinger of the wider
world of nature, miraculously present in
the claustrophobic confines of Brooklyn
The sail fascinated me, even garishly
painted as it was. The sail looked unreal.
alien, female, I used to pet the fish ar
pretend to be swimming alongside it.
Among the inevitable blows of adoles-
cence was the realization that my father
had not, alter all, caught the damn thing
but had it palmed off on him by the dis-
gusted wile of a divorced. fisherman
(sooner or later, all fishermen divorce).
Later, | accidentally punched a hole in it
with a baseball bat, but of course Freud
will tell us that there are no accidents.
Now I was in the home court of the
sailfish, ready to play H-O-R-S-E for
keeps. 1 fought and caught à wonderful
black marlin on the way to Chicken Is-
land, but it was on the small side, even
though it took me 30 minutes to land. I
er
was
was going from one exhilaration to the
next, but always in the back of my mind,
1 thought of the sailfish. I barely glanced
at the marlin, thou
it and it had snapped back my wrists un-
ul they ached. E broke open а beer and
looked out over the turquoise Andaman
where, | was convinced, lay my greater
wiumphs. We had a lunch ol fresh-
broiled wahoo drenched in lime: Food.
fishing and gadgetry had combined in a
vortex. of bliss. To paraphrase Dorothy
Parker, what fresh heaven is this?
In the afternoon, the clouds broke
open and the sun dazzled us. beating
down on my skull, enervating me, 1
tried to stay up for the strike I knew was
to come, but I confess I dozed a bit in
the full lull of the water. Patty and I were
both on the big rods with live bait, and
when the strike came, they hit both of
our rods at once—the worst possible sit-
uation, since the lines can slice each oth-
er off. We immediately did as we were
trained and set our reels in free position,
with just enough drag to prevent back-
lash. Patty's fish was off port and mine
was running away from the stern.
"Steady." said Jonas, unexpectedly
close to my ear. My universe had closed
down into a tiny window at the end of
0-pound 1 nd his voice made
me jump. “Get ready . - set 'em—now
nd E both bucked back 10 set our
hooks, and I had the most n
feeling in the world as
the water. He was be:
iful.
meless trophy
ger than my father's sh
He slapped the Water
back up:
nd then went
Newton was wrong, he said
the bunk
still not
Patty and I were both shout
ing, acting like kids, as we were getting
settled into the fighting chairs. The two
fish came perilously close to tingling
once or twice, while the mate dug the
motors into the foam and tied to get
ahead of them. Finally, both fish were
going in the same direction. For the
of the woods
1g. scream-
next 40 minutes, time and space tele-
scoped down to me and the fish and the
thin filament connecting us. I felt like a
kid with a play phone: 1 had a can with a
string, the sailfish had a can with a string
and we were holding a dialog. Mostly.
what it said was, “Not today. AL” Ds air
borne flashes never ceased to surprise
5 the line would slack mot
alter the fish had alrea
She is a beauty.” Jonas said, coaching
“Maybe one fifty, one sev-
Get her close so we can see
her" Him, her, it. The saillish had em-
braced all permutations of gender:
«айу brought up be-
hind the transom, a very respectable
fish. As Пе mate grabbed the leader, she
said something that clutched al my
throat, “Let it go,” she told the mare.
Its too beautiful to Kill." Jonas said kat-
that it was a 120-pounder, easy, "a
17 mg. "tar", 11 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by ETC method.
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.
(©1990 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO.
PLAYBOY
208
keeper.” In a way, the release of Patty's
fish made my battle more desper
worked my fish back to gain some line.
Ten minutes later, he cleared again,
and the whole crew ooh'd and арта, 1
could hear the camera shutters going oll
as though I were at a film opening. | be-
gan to get cocky. The fish made a bi
jd came to the surface, 1
his dorsal fin raked back, pur-
blazing sunlight. Then he
ple i
heaved himself up and rolled onto |
the hook out of his
bac
appir
back through the air like a
1 was crushed. Zen Buddhism, 1
thought. Maybe PI take up Zen Bud-
dhism. The agony of the loss upset me
all the more because Pany had given her
fish back to the sea, Had 1 been too
greedy? H I had offered to cut mine
loose, would it have offered to come will-
ingly into the boat? A pall settled over
the whole afternoon. | was baiting hooks
und sending out lines, but I was just go-
g through the motions. We gave up
arly and headed back to Phi Phi Island.
where we were to stay for the night. I re-
solved to get off the boat and stay off it,
finished with fishing for the trip.
Phi Phi is almost pornograpl
beautiful, huge chil fo
humpbacked hills rising d
the sea. below
beaches off a tremendous lagoon, there
e a few bu
ally
mations and
tly from
r-white
which, on su
lows, E saw none of this,
still stewing in my funk.
nd headed for the crude bar
of course. | wa
I left Patty
soon as we docked.
Al, old buddy!” an ugly
greeted me. A
American
in, he said. I was in no
mood. but | got into a conversation, any-
way. “No girls here” was his opening
gambit, “so what
Ab-ha-harha
I came here to fish,” I said.
Sure. sure.” he said. and winked. He
wouldn't believe me. wanted to know if 1
had discovered some sort. of ultimate
whorehouse tu
© you doing here?”
ked away in the forest
“Fishing is lousy.” I told him. "I'm go-
ing to Burma
“Burma? 1 wouldn't go there.” he re-
itical situation w
sponded. The |
dicier by the day. И was getting so
bad that pretty soon, P. J. O'Rourke was
going to show up. "I wouldn't go there
he repeated, trying to sound like an old
hand. I had a beer and formulated а
rule of thumb for international travel
Never schedule a visit t0 a country that
has recently undergone a name change
And an addendum: Never enter a coun-
try whose government is promising free
elections sometime soon.
Patty came and soothed me. Cancel-
ing the Burmese trip would mean we
could stay and go shark fishing the next
night. The word fishing still grated a bit,
but I could feel my resistance lessening.
So it was that I found myself leavin:
tong Beach in the late afternoon, а,
aboard the Ocean Bird. whieh this t
out was a little smellier. I found out why
later. when an hour past dark, we ar-
ion: a reef that held
Japanese war boat. We
ed toward it and the mate tossed
out buckets of
the water l us to
that would attract the sha
anchored above the wreck.
Watch this,” Jonas said, hooking i
buoy with his gaffe. He connected a line
to the boat and (кеда switch. Nin
fect below, klieg lights went on and lit up
rived at our destin:
the wreck of a
cr
nk smelling chum into
¡tract the fish
ks. Then we
behin
ly
THE
| jure
the shell of a sunken torpedo boat. lt
was ghostly, chilling, utterly beautiful. 1
fell T was looking down into someone's
secrets, Fish attracted by the light came
in whole schools. It was touristy, but it
brilliant
esident
wa
Kennedy sank this boat
PT 109,” Jonas told me with a straight
face. Uh-huh, I thought. Wasn a bit
to the east during the big one? I imag-
ined hulk айс
Pacific, each €
he
hulk scattered across the
ned to be a Kenncdy
kill, like relies of the cross. We un-
plugged our lile Disney World and
cruised back in a wide circle, picking up
the wake where we had dropped the
chum, You could still see the dim trail of
phosphorus in the water. Now and then,
Ú swirled as it was cut with a dorsal fin
Secing a lot of sharks in one place has
the same effect as seeing a lot of death-
row murderers gathered together, or
politicians or airline ticket agents—it
raises the hackles on the back of your
neck. E had a strike as soon as my line
went out, before I even decided whether
I wanted a strike or not. If having a
sailfish on you like going to a bal-
let, hooking a shark is like a heavy-metal
concert. You can feel the steady power as
the fish churns remorselessly
No real thrash in the fight, just a drain
ing pull.
“1 go. Big AL" Jonas said. We
had pulled out of the chum linc and he
had rained his lights on my prey, an
cvillooking, blank-eyed thug. "She is
100 small.
“No! I said. “No more giving |
wanted this sea, so rich in everything, to
give me something from its treasure
chest, even if the jewel were cursed. The
shark was half dead when we pulled it
alongside and all dead when the mate
put a bullet into it with his 38
“Congratulations,” Jonas told me.
"You just caught а great white.” Thal was
a great white Jesus, I thought, Spiel-
berg must really be a genius if he can
make something so small look so big. “A
baby one,” Jonas added, and I under-
stood, T had caught one of the smallest
great whites Phuket had ever n. OF,
rather, had ever not seen, since I slipped
it into the harbor without fanfare, |
didit care if I had to hide it. 1 felt pro-
prietary toward it by then. He may be a
bastard, I paraphrased Nixon voters,
but he’s my bastard.
A cobbler in Hong Kong has the
of him ı d 1 hope he is in the
process of turning it into a pair of size
115 for me. 5 nations more
miraculous than that have been known
to occur: The shark's grin is replacing a
woman's smile as the symbol of Thailand
for me, and the flash of sail fin is holding
more attraction than a whole street ol
night clubs.
line
forw
he
ck.” 1
Available at chain storcs cverywherc.
PLAYBOY
210
Il contin pron page 112)
“Ferrari price advances have been phenomenal. A
1967 275 GTB/4 is now more than $1,000,000.”
and baseballs Re
amassed several
maros, LS6 Chevel
Prices, not surprisingly, soared
FERRARI MADNESS
Over the years, the values of Ferraris
have skyrocketed, taking over as the
ie Jackson, who
of old ZL-1 Ca
nd carly ‘Vettes.
make most coveted by collectors, The
tributed то de-
keep a low profile, he used Ferrari ex-
pert Stan Nowak to make his purchases
Ferrari price advances have been phe-
nomenal. А 1967 model 275 GEBA that
cost $14,000 new climbed to 545.000
in 1986, $75,000 in 1985 and then—fu
eled by a speculative frenzy—shot up to
more than $1,000,000 by mid-1080.
Other Ferrari models followed suit pro-
portonally. With the dollars plunge
against the yen and the Deutsche mark,
Asian and European speculators drove
prices even higher.
For a while, it seemed as though there
were nol As Ferraris established a
steadily incre bench m Iset
the pace for wire collector-ca
ket—lrenzied collectors began snapping
up Shelby Cobras, C- and D-Type
MILLION-DOLLAR BABIES
x
ene $4500* | $10,000 | $75,000 | $350,000 | $2,800,000 |$4,500,000**
man $14,000 | $75,000 | $400,000 | $1,000,000 | $2,000,000 |$3,500,000
1937 MERCEDES BENZ | $0500" | $45,000 | $75,000 | $450,000 [54,500,000 [56,500,000
1955 AMEI $6200 | $10,000 | $35,000 | $75,000 [$375,000 500,000
Konq r E $5000 | $45,000 | $200,000 |$500,000 [$1,000,000
prend $19,500* | $15,000 | $150,000 | $650,000 |$10,800,000 $90,000,000
a $7000 $19,000 | $35,000 $75,000 | $300,000 [500,000
per $16,500 | $15,000 | $40,000 | %400,000 |$1,500,000 [$2,500,000
TU ORA IRA ail $49,500 $190,000 | $145,000 $900,000 [$1,500,000
“Estimated original cost.
**Estimated prices for the year 2000 are based on projected trends and the current value of the dollar. (The other prices are repre-
sentative of approximate market values and moy vary according to condition of car.)
ёл
ice-cold.
Maybe with
a favorite
м я
PLAYBOY
212
guar
Jaguars (and the extremely rare |
Lam-
XK-SS), Aston Martins, early
borghinis, Maseratis and Mercedes-Benz
3008L Gullwings.
OVERNIGHT CLASSICS,
Recognizing a limit to the number of
older classic cars on the market, manu-
facturers found ways to create new col
lectibles. Porsche took the first
when it built a few hundred copies of its
all-wheel-d super-high-tech 959
in 1986. The 959 was built for European
Group B racing, but when the formula
was canceled, the auto maker was stuck
with a group of unraccable supercars—
that is, until someone in Stuttgart decid-
ed to build them for the street. For
Porsche president
Peter Schutz wasn't
expecting to sell the
companys 200 or
so supply of (he
$250.000 cars, but
collectors and spec-
ulators soon
step
proved him wrong
Ferrari
pulled
272
built,
soon soared past
the
prices
$1,000,000
This encour-
aged Ferrari m:
agement to build a
second limited-edi-
tion model, the
F40, which cur-
rently lists about
$400,000. It is trad-
ing for twice that
sum and should
top the $1,500,000
mark within five
home.
years. Deli
Alfa Romeo and
Aston Martin also
built their own lim-
ited editions.
of England found a
way 10 move mo
of its obsolete (but
still wickedly quick) 5200 all-wheel-
drive rally cars. And the parade of in-
stant collectibles is expected to continue
Jaguar racer Tom Walkinshaw plans to
release a limited series of 40 thinly dis-
guised Jaguar VI2-powered race cars
for the street. Jaguar s twin-turbo V6 su-
percar, now the XJ220, is already sold
out. Mercedes-Benz is toying with a lim-
ited-edition street version of its Group €
endurance racers, And in Italy,
planned with the revered Bugatti name
WHEELS ON DISPLAY
For those of us who will never own a
million-dollar car, much less a collection,
there are at least places to see them. Top
museums such as The National Automo-
bile Museum in Reno, the Henry Ford
Muscum in Dearborn, Michigan, and
the Behring Museum outside San Fran-
cisco are three of the best. Car shows are
held from coast to coast, including the
giant Antique Automobile Club of Amer-
ica fall meet in Hershey, Pennsylvania;
Rochester, Michigan's, elegant Meadow-
brook Concours d'Elegance; and Mon-
terey, California's, Pebble Beach
ext za
va;
FORECASTING FUTURE HOT WHEELS
In addition to blue-chip classics of the
Twenties and Thirties, pre- and postwar
You'll ride a lot safer with non-alcoholic
Moussy. Because Santa knows the first rule
ig is “Stay alive, don't
So make Moussy your designated
drink for safe driving this Holiday Season
and you won't need the elves to drive vou
ious, non-alcoholic Moussy, a
partner to your Holiday lifestyle becau:
It's Your LifeTo
ЕВЕЕ 2.22 né to sheath, ctv ten, nodo nese
'slechriques, gull tee srack deas and SOC Motssy coupon, senda S1 90 check Tor
postage and handing payabie to STB rc. Malt STB lnc /1. Moissy. PO Box 1700, Jackson. NJ
08527 inporte ty Stra Products rc. Greenwich, CT Corians less than 0.5% alcohol by volume.
Style.
s, stress reduction
racing cars as well as several limited-edi-
tion modi s remain high on top
collectors’ acquisition lists. Savvy in-
vestors might also think about salting a
newer car ¢
n «а
two away. Limited-produc-
tion models such as today's Porsche 911
AR-1
Elan are all candidates for fu
Speedster, Corvette 1 the Lotus
ure fame
That old Corvette bought 30 years ago is
than ten times its origi
nal price. The same thing may be true
someday for your Mazda Mia
When asked to pick the cars most lil
now worth mo
over the. ne
peer Rick €
ly to increase in value
decade, Califor
че
who specializes in contemporary sports
cars, put Japan's first supercar, the To-
yota 2000GT, on the top of his “Plat
inum List.” “They're approaching one
hundred thousand dollars now,” he says.
"and are likely to double in price in t
ars.” Cole also believes that buyers
who ante up $500,000 for 1954-1957
Mercedes 300 SL Gullwings today will
soon see a 50 percent increase in their
investment.
Cole's eclectic tastes also run from
early-Vhirties Packard roadsters and
phaetons to Porsche speedsters of the
Fift He's bullish on obsolete
particularly Can-Am, Formula 5000 and
Indy cars, as well as BMW's limited-
edition MI sports
coupes, the big,
brutal 427 Shelby
Cobras of 1906-
1967 and the Fer-
i F40.
If you're interest-
ed in checking out
models currently
on the market, pick
up a copy of the du
Pont Registry. Thi
glossy monthly
magazine offers the
most comprehen-
sive photographic
listing of classic,
luxury and exotic
wheels for sale.
acers,
Regardless of
which car you
choose, wy to buy
what you like and
be prepared to
keep it for a while
Convertibles (with
30051. Gullwings an
exception) are usu-
Шу worth more
than closed models
of the same type.
Clean, low-mileage
unrestored cars are
more desirable than
nileage restored models.
Pedigree also counts, as does competi-
tion record. Finally, a famous-owner or
one-owner history is a plus. But be care-
ful. If every Caddy convertible allegedly
owned by Elvis really did belong to the
King. he'd have had more cars than
Hertz
Guidelines for collecting classic and
exotic automobiles are the same as those
used by connoisseurs of fine art, rare
books, coins or other objects of great v
ue, The difference?
you can drive your investment home
carefully. Happy bunting
El
As а car collector
SHERILYN FENN
(continued from page 84)
days of gliuer rock. Sherilyn wasn't ex-
actly born in a trunk, Maybe a Marshall
amp case
Her mother’s sisters, one of whom was
Suzi Quatro, had an all-girl band. At one
point, they lost their keyboard player
and Sherilyn's mom joined up. Sheri-
lyn's father managed the band. Mom
served a two-year hitch until Suzi moved
to England.
Sherilyn never considered following
in her mother's platformed footsteps:
“My mother was a product of the time
she grew up in. You were supposed to
get married, have children and that was
it. She married right out of high school
She was a virgin and so was my father
They had three kids by the time they
were twenty-three and twenty-five. They
had no idea who they were; consequent
ly, they spent the rest of their lives trying
to find themselves.”
Along that road, Mom and company
moved to Beverly Hills when Sherilyn
was 17. She said she wanted to be an ac-
tress, so instead of attending Beverly
Hills High School, she enrolled at Lee
berg's Actor's Studio, then prompt
ropped out. She has since worked
but back
then, she says, “I didn't have any disci
pline. I didn't want to have to hold a cof
fee cup that wasn't there for half an
hour. I wanted to go out to clubs. I want-
with other respected coaches
ed to be seventeen in Beverly Hills.
“I met an agent and he was a jerk.
Then I met another agent, Cynthia
Campos-Greenberg, who is still my
agent, and she really inspired me. She
taught me things. She lita fire in me that
I didn't know existed. I started to want
to act for reasons other than wanting to
be a movie star, 1 realized that being
emotional is great; it doesn't mean
something is wrong with you. I realized
that you could grow from acting."
Lucid, sculptural, unpresumptuous
Sherilyn Fenn made her movie debut
at 17. In Yugoslavia. Playing a shy rich
girl in a sort of Yugoslavian coed Lord of
the Flies. “1 remember blowing my first
scene. I said, "Cut" I didn't know the di-
rector was supposed to say that."
The film was not a hit. Nor were the
13 or so other films she was in over the
nest seven years. Some weren't released.
Some went straight to video. But she got
a lot of on-the-set experience in teen-ex-
ploitation movies playing "the pretty
one who likes the guy" or "the cute and
spunky one,” but her repertoire grew up
fast with Neo Moon Junction, a sort of
combination Gone with the Wind and Em-
manuelle directed by Zalman King, the
screenwriter and producer of 9/2 Weeks
Sherilyn got the starring role shortly
after dyeing her beautiful long brown
hair platinum blonde. "I was searching
for things and 1 wasn't looking within
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PLAYBOY
214
myself; I was looking on the outside, as
we maybe do at twenty years old. Two
days somebody called me a dumb
blonde when I made a turn without sig-
naling. It really stunned. me. Then it
ank in. Oh, yeah, Tm a blonde.”
Thats nor why she went back to
brown. But n
away from th;
ybe she wanted to get
Two Moon Junction look,
ws tended to concentrate on
sexual aspects of her performance.
“The nudity in Zo Moon Junction was
really scary, but that’s one of the reasons
I did it. I didnt want to make choices
that would always put me in a place that
was comfortable and secure. I had never
done nudity. I'm not the kind of person
who runs down the beach in a G string,
so I thought, God, how would I respond
1 thought interesting
things would happen and I would grow.
Interesting things did happen. I cried at
d ofall my love scenes.
When David Lynch and his collaborat-
ing writer-producer Mark Frost called,
Sherilyn went to see them, even though
she didn't have much interest in TV and
wasn't crazy about the script lor the Fein
Peaks Y V-movie pilot. She had seen Blue
Velvet ued. Lynch doesn't
have actors read, he just meets with
them: and during the course of She
Iyn’s meeting with him, she let it out that
sinee revi
in these situatio
nd was int
dirt like the script very much. “Ev-
erybody’s sleeping with everybody. Why
don't they solve the murder? Why drag
this murder out over seven episodes? 1
dont think they liked me very much at
first, but somehow, I was in the running
I did a reading lor the network and be
fore E knew
But once candid, able and collected
Sherilyn E the re epi-
sode, she realized that she was part of
something important, that she was do-
ing the first work that she really hked in
her whole life, And it wasn't hard, Sheri-
lyn says, “Sometimes alter an episode,
David will call and say, ‘Sixty million
people just watched you. Sixty million.”
we were doing the show."
nn saw
pren
Mer. unblinking, pacific Sherilyn, for
her part, now loves Fein Peaks and its
Horne, She's
as brought out
citi,
pretty y Audrey
been great for me. She
aside of me that’s more mischievous and
fun that I had suppressed, trying t0 be
an adult. She has made it OK to use the
power one has as à woman to be manip-
ulative at mes, to be precocious, She
goes after what she wants vehemently
and she takes it. I think that’s really ad-
mirable. E love that about her”
Do you think she'll end up with agent
Cooper?
“Hell, y
ing on it
ah. She'd better, Pm com
“This is the first job youve had in
six months! I want a divorce!"
Maybe she will, if she gets her diplo-
ma. Does she find her director a strange
bird. a “Jimmy Stewart from Mans.” as
Mel Brooks has described him? Not at
L He's a hard-working. caring director
A pal
“David asked me if Thad seen Eraser
head. V vold him 1 hadn't. He said. ‘Sher
ilyn Fenn, do you want children? 1 said
yes. He said, "Then you have t0 sec
‘raserhead. You have to watch it at eleven
o'clock at night in a darkened room on a
IV set with good volume. But if he in-
tended to discourage me from wanting
10 have children, it didnt work.
Tranquil, fluid, wavy Sherilyn is an
Aquarius. She has psychic abilities: she
can tell when people are lying. She
doesn't like parties, she doesnt like
clubs, she likes restaurants, especially
ones with great Italian food and good
chianti. She is part Nalian (Qu
short for Quatrocchio) pan
Fenn), part Hungarian (rebel) а
ch (Chanel). She hast had a tan in
years and. on reflection. never. really
liked having one. She likes cold, rainy
weather,
One of young, crystalline. modulated
Sherilyn's ambitions is to be cast in the
title role in The Clara Bow Story. a project
thar’s ongoing in Hollywood. She was
turned c
id Prince,
The Clava Bow Story as told by Sherilyn
Fenn: "She grew up in
ued to be a movie star when she was
sixteen and she had ideas about living а
wild, exciting. crazy life and meeting all
these people and having people putting
on her make-up and touching her up all
the time. So she moved to Hollywood
and did it, but by the time she was twen-
lysis, she had completely outgrown
Hollywood. She retired. she gor married
and lived out on a ranch. People said she
had quit because she couldn't make it in
talkies. so she went back to Hollywood
lor a year and made it successfully in
talkies. Then she went back to the ranch
She had outgrown the lifestyle
“Dean relate to that Pm twenty-five
I don't think Pil w
year, but the a lot of things I want
to do in my life besides a
the world. I wa
dren. Pd like to write.
tiable town
Concis
tro is
Irish
1 pant
1 to the silent-
en star by her
w Jersey. She
w
now ito retire ina
are
1 want to see
nt chil-
This is an insa-
ly Iw
nest. bloom-
ing Sherilyn Fenn does not appear in-
satiable, Her appetites seem quite
reasonable, her desires on the moderate
side. Some good challenging roles. A
od man. Some kids, Maybe an early
retirement. A ranch. Maybe а brief
comeback. Nothing outlandish. Just the
stuff of which normal legends are made.
v]
EXPOSE A DUNE WITH A VIEW WITH
OUR NEW PROCES METERING SYSTEM.
It bad been 115° since 9a.m.
And as a wind began its ascent
from the west something jolted the
horizon. А red adirondack chair
that seemed to smell of pine. The
| rest is photography. The Pentax
art of photography.
Perhaps a moment like this
doesn’t occur often, but when
it does there's an urgency, a
quickness of breath that
demands a camera that can
capture that mood. That
camera is the Pentax SFIO with
its PROCES Metering System.
Imagine a bright subject
against severe backlighting. To
avoid under or overexposure
our PROCES Metering System
automatically compensates by
taking separate readings from
the background as well as the
center of the frame resulting
ina crisp, sharp image. And
when combined with the
CENTIC panel which relays
all relevant information, you
can see
why this
camera is
considered user friendly.
The SF10 is geared to those
whose aspirations have no
limitations. And it comes
equipped with Auto Focusing,
` Auto Exposure, and a Built-in
Retractable TTL Auto Flash.
And for more information, see
your local Pentax dealer.
PLAYBOY
216
THE HOLIDAYS | (continued fron page 168)
“Santa Fe is good news for the world-weary holiday
escapee who's looking for a forgiving, healing sky
> © © x
country without leaving the United
States. It's true that the city of Santa Fe
and the state of New Mexico have had
settlers for as long as any
But that doesn’t stop
where they can change dollars for pesos
nor asking their travel agen
they need a passport to travel there.
All this is good news for the world-
y holiday escapee who is looking for
a forgiving, healing sky. Santa Fe was
founded by Franciscan Fathers in the
early 1600s as a writers’ and artists’ cen-
ter. The setting couldn't have been bet
ter, situated as it is on a 7000-foot-high
plateau in the middle of the sagebrush-
strewn Southwestern desert. To the east
are twin-peaked mountains that some
Indians believed were the breasts of the
god from whose white-capped peaks
we wed. The Spanish would
have none of that and renamed them for
the blood of Christ, or Sangre de Cristo.
To the west, the Jemez Mountains swell
up like a geological crescendo. The sky i
the color of polished turquoise and the
air is dry and clear. For some reason, the
high desert terrain seems to put nature
on alert and makes it stand at attention
In the Twenties, D. H. Lawrence and
Georgia O Keefe were lured to the Santa
Fe area. Nowadays, Gene Hackman,
Robert Redford and James Taylor are
whether
were cr
some of the people who may be buying
their newspaper next to you in town.
Santa Fe is still known for its arts com-
munity. It has the highest per-capita
percentage of galleries and artists in the
world. You can stay in town at La Posada
de Santa Fe, a 108-year-old Victorian
mansion with both guest rooms and с
sitas with fireplaces arranged on a six-
nd-a-hall-acre site. Fight miles north of
town, in Tesuque, is the Rancho Encan-
tado—a resort nestled in the hills whose
adobe buildings oller some of the most
gracious accommodations in the area
Either way, you will want to rummage
around, as Santa Fe has a wide variety of
contempor a in
which n art: jewelry, pottery,
weavings, paintings, kachina dolls and
baskets,
During the holidays, Santa Fe puts on
its Christmas costume. That includ
farolitos—candles anchored with sand in
paper sacks—which outline houses and
businesses. During the nine nights be-
fore Christmas, special bonfires called
luminarias blaze for Las Posadas
pageants, which are re-enactments of
Joseph and Mar ch for shelter
s
there are parishes in Santa Fe,
s infused with Spanish and
but each
folkloric touches. The atmosphere that
seems to walt from this simple pageantry
can pierce the most cynical of spirits.
"They're for all my old girlfriends. I like to think of
myself as the Ghost of Christmas Past."
TALL TIM
If you're in the mood for total seclu-
sion during the holidays, there's a resort
high in the Colorado mountains—inac-
cessible and the only privately owned
land in the San Juan Forest. During
most seasons, Tall Timber accepts
guests, as well as provisions and sup-
plies, via the famous 100-year-old nar-
row-gauge Silverton train that meanders
through canyons and rocky cliffs for two
hours from Durango.
In winter, however, the only way to get
there is by helicopter. There are no
phones, just a two-way radio linkup with
the с de world. The resort is de-
signed not to distract you from the spec-
acular scenery. And at Christmas, Tall
Timber makes special use of its remote-
ness. All of its buildings are outlined in
lights. There are ten two-story chalets,
each outfitted with a fireplace, several
bedrooms and its own Christmas tree.
Santa shows up on Christmas Eve and
distributes gifis to the guests. And when
you're not being pampered with sensa-
tional food, you can cross-country ski or
relax in outdoor hot tubs surrounded by
helicoptered to
nearby slopes. imber, a snowy
silence takes over and you won't hi
peep—or a beeper—from the world
from which you came.
a
HOTEL BELAIR
Although the best strategy for endu
ing the holidays may be to hide out,
"s no reason to skimp on accommo-
ns. Los Angeles’ Hotel Bel-Air is on
just about everyone's best-hotels list as a
refuge of an extremely high order; and
it has undergone a renovation that rated
a ten-page Architectural Digest salute.
This is a hotel without lobbies, eleva
tors or hallways. Its 11 and a half flow-
ered acres are home to 92 rooms and
suites, each individually designed and
outfitted to meet the standards of a
clientele among the most powerful in
the world. It’s an environment in wh
guests know they will not be disturbed—
by paparazzi, by a mediocre meal or by a
room appointment out of place.
A Los Angeles Christmas can seem al-
most a contradiction in cultural terms,
but that will fade with pampering of the
kind the Bel-Air routinely offers.
We've grown up with the idea that the
holidays are a special time—overflowing
with good cheer and love for our
man. Nothing's worse, however, than
finding ourselves in an environment
whose psychological ecosystem presents
us with expectations we're not ready to
fulfill. The good news is that we can just
say no. And then go off and have our
selves a merry litle Christmas of our
own design.
fellow
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PLAYBOY
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GIBBERISH
few pages in the sheal, nodding delib
ately, and then picked up the pace with
his sharp chin. Finally, he shut the fold-
er, raised it and, walking around the
desk, presented it to Phipps with a crisp
and positive gesture, like a drill sergeant
returning a rifle to a recruit alter find-
ing it suitably clean. He clapped Phipps
on the shoulder and uttered what, by its
tone, could only be an affirmative senti-
m
(continued [rom page 154)
t.
Folder under his arm, Phipps left. He
now felt so confident that he was able to
pass Barbara with a smile and a wink. As
to Fallon, however, he could not be so
easygoing. Now was the time if there ev-
er was one when, backed up by his new
support trom Nebling. he could try to
even the score with his superior
Fallon was on the telephone when he
1 but soon hung up and. babbling
Му. indicated that Phipps should
take one of the chairs that faced him.
Phipps, however, thrust the folder
across the desk. “You fool,” he tried to
say. “John Nebling and I agree that this
plan of yours is disastrous. John was so
furious about it that he even began to
consider whether you might be an agent
proswcateay planted on us by one of our
competitors. But 1 saved your job. I as-
sured him you were too dumb to play
such a role" With a cruel grin, he
dropped the folder
blotter in its rosewood fr;
AIL of what Phipps had wanted to say
in the now-usual nonsense
sounds, and he could not imagine wh
interpretation Fallon could
make of it, but the man was smiling as he
opened the folder and be
ine its contents,
Mier a moment, Phipps sat down. He
experienced some failure of nerve. B
was all very well to pretend to be h
fun, making the best of a bad job, but if
looked at clearly, his predicament was
disastrous. Thus far today. he had
proved absolutely incapable of commu-
nicating with his fellow human bei
How could any good come of tha
Fallon looked up from the papers.
smiling more broadly th tapped
them with his forefinger and said some-
thing obviously approving. Then he put
his hands behind his head and leaned
back. He gave every appearance of be-
ing expansive, gestured benevolently
and spoke at length, with genial simpers
here and there and even, in conclusion,
a wink. Finally, he stood up and put his
outstretched hand across the desk.
Phipps really had no option but to ac-
cept ñ and. return the warmth of the
grasp. He was willing to consider that he
id misjudged Fallon in the past: Alier
all, the man was always under unbear-
able pressure from his own superiors.
Although Nebling had been a nice guy
on the royal blue
E
possibly
an 10 exam-
today, it was unrealistic to assume he
had gor where he was by kindness. Sure
ly, he had been at least as rough on Fal
lon as the latter had been on Phipps
Maybe Fallon was a better fellow than
could be expected. Phipps found that
his own apparent success, in a situation
[ could have been calamitous, made
him more generous to his Iellow man.
He returned to his own desk, where a
stulled ix basket awaited him. One by
one, he found the documents therein to
be as undecipherable as the oral lan
guage that he had been hearing all day
and saw that he had no choice but to dis-
pose of them in the same cavalier fash
ion as he had dealt with the spoken
word. Some papers he initialed forth-
with and tossed into the огт basket, Oth-
ers that bore densely printed texts he
simply slipped into the waste can, but
anything showing a graph was first de-
faced with a felt-tipped pen.
Occasionally, such work was inter-
rupted by the buzzing of the telephone
As he had no idea of what the caller said.
Phipps showed ever less patience with
cach. until finally, his response was sim-
ply to lift the receiver, say, “You re talk-
ing absolute crap.” and hang up.
The strain of so perlorming, however.
had begun to tell on him by lunchtime,
and although John C. Nebling had sent
for him to eat in the corporate dining
room—an invitation he understood only
after Barbara had Jed him there—he
had no ai
ipatory appe
His mood changed when he rece
nized other guests who had a
rived belore him: à them, the
governor of the state, the mayor of the
city and a number of the best-known lo-
cal businessmen. including several who
had attained celebrity across the nation,
if not the world. Phipps was no longer
depressed. He was now terrihed
But the governor, a kage silver
maned man with an outsized ser ol
sparkling teeth. seized. Phippss hand
with his own and pumped it. then acted
as his ambassador to the others. each of
whom naturally addressed him in gib-
berish, but it was obviously benign.
he dining room, which he had never
seen before except in photographs, was
quite a splendid, chandeliered place and
large enough to seat several hundred
people. He found himself at the long
head table, on a dais at a right angle to
the tables of the other guests. He was
flanked by the governor and the mayor.
Across the wall behind hi was
stretched a huge white banner display-
ing a legend in blue letters. He could
make no sense of the words thereby
formed, but in a moment, he had re-
membered seeing a recent report on TV
s 10 the effect that as one phase of
enuous effort currently. being
made to dissuade businesses from leav-
ing city and state, an Outstanding Exec-
utive of the Month would be chosen
from among the local firms for public
commendation. The reporter did not
fail wryly to note that the meal served at
ies would be paid for by
company receiving the reflected
d not the taxpayer
Phipps's inclusion in the event was
nexpected benefit of the new esteem
which he was held by John C. Nebling,
who until a few hours before would
barely have recognized his name. It was
fying to be in the company of
ind power were
such ceremo
the
hone
u
very sat
those to whom succe:
routine, even if nothing
them was comprehensible to him. Hi
began lo ebb. He chuckled ai
what were surely supposed to be the w
licisms of the mayor, who was noted for
his puckish humor, and murmured in
response to the paternal-sounding re-
marks made to him by the governor. He
even swallowed a few bites of his chick-
en, which turned out to be better than
he expected, having heard such fodde
routinely disparaged by those who ate it
regularly. By the end of the meal, he felt
so at ease, in fact, that he was about to
try a little joke of his own on the mayor
when John C. Nebling stood up behind
the lectern at the middle of the table.
Phipps, of course, understood. noth-
ing of what the big boss was saying, but
he nodded here and there as it he did
and joined heartily in the applause that
came when Nebling finished. But then,
in horror, he saw Nebling beckoning to
him. By the ume he had at last struggled
to his feet, hindered rather than aided
by the governors powerful pats on the
back, Phipps was so desperate he might
have bolted from the room had Nebling,
blocking the route of escape, not thrust
a varnished plaque into his hands.
He could not read the words that
were incised into the bronze tablet
affixed to its face but eventually realized
that he had been chosen as the Out
standing Executive of the Month—and
obviously was obliged to say a few audi-
ble words of thanks, . .
lio
terror
1 that he could
1 now
sufficient precedent to suppose
ed by the
audience as at least meaningful enough
But when a simple “I had not expect-
ed this, b
followed by deafening applause, and a
reference to Nebling's leadership as hav-
ing been “an inspiration to himself and
all his colleagues” evoked an explosion
of laughter, he grew bold. “And, hey, you
understand lm speaking not of business
that his words would be rece
са”
was
Em pleased to recei
but of sex!” He looked at the boss and
said, “You randy old bastard, you." To
his cars, this was gibberish, and it could
hardly have been unde
to whom it was addressed, fo
self was still smiling benevol
Feeling his oats
to the mayor. “You
stood by those
Nebling
Honor—I use the t
aid by any of
tle loosely, for you've proved in the past
three years that whatever you hav
certainly not honor!" The mayor partici
pated energetically in the general roar
of laughter. Phipps went on, “But you're
not quite the number-one erook in thi:
state. That designation has to go to this
big smiling fraud on my right, our saint-
ed governor, who spends more on hair
spray than on our schools.”
Phipps gestured at the official so
named and got a standing ovation. Then
he proceeded to deride those who were
celebrating him. “As for you idiots, you
haven't the dimmest underst
wh ?
that the same
only can't 1 «
n
thing is true of me: N
prehend anything
by you, but 1 can't make sense of a word
I myself unter aloud, thou
thoughts are as evel
explain this bizarre state of affair:
1 have been much
c successful at work than I ever was
before, and 1 suspect the same will be
true of my love life, which hitherto has
n lackluster at best; at worst, hum
ing. 1 don't mind boasting that since I
accepted a world in which words
make no sense, 1 have prospered, and
sure that if 1 go beyond that and em-
brace it, I shall be invincible!”
Again the audience rose to its feet,
and now it remained so, the applause re
verberating from floor to chandelier
‘The mayor put Phipps in a bear
and the governor placed a hand on e
of his shoulders and, looking down, irra-
diated him with the grandest smile of all.
After each of the officials had said a few
(incomprehensible) words from the
lectern, gesturing lavishly at Phipps,
they took their leave, followed by TV
cameramen, and Nebling linked arms
with Phipps and led him back ıo the west
wing, trailed at a respeciful distance by
a group of obsequious subordinates,
png whom were Fallon and the oth-
ers who had once lorded it over him.
Nebling spoke in a tone of lively allec-
tion, and Phipps was sure he was being
promoted, with a substantial raise in
pay. By now, he could feel such messages
and with a certainty he had never been
able to associate with words, which by
their nature were so ambiguous—think,
for example, of all the possible connota-
prestige,” or, for
since it's come about,
mo
h his new-found sense of power,
Phipps decided, after leaving Nebling in
the latter's office—and speaking some
rubbish to Barbara that obviously left
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PLAYBOY
220
could say anything at all to other people,
and they would inevitably interpret it to
his advantage. He might well go on to
become mayor or governor, and more.
At his current elevation, he did not be-
long on a bus. He therefore walked
around the corner to the one-way cross
street that went in the direction of his
apartment and looked for a taxi. A
young man in business attire, including
a gray felt hat, approached him, smiling.
When he was near Phipps, he opened
his soft-sided briefcase and displayed the
revolver within. "Look at thi:
"and give me your money."
can understand you!" Phipps shouted.
“You're the first person I can under-
stand since I got up this morning!” The
man scowled and reached into the brief-
case. "God!" Phipps cried. "What a re-
lief! I thought I was crazy.
"Stop that noise," said the man.
“Only.” Phipps said, the implication
having struck him now. “what's that go-
ing to mean to my career, my life? How
can I return to being what I was?”
“You're one of those jerks who read
that if you and babble ay
you'll scare a robber off,” the man said
7 he said,
t craz
scornfully. “I'm telling you for the la
time to knock off that gibberish and give
me your money, or I'll kill you.”
“You dont understand,” Phipps
shouted. Desperate to get his meaning
across, he clutched at the man’s lapels.
“Suddenly, I had it all because of this
weird thing that came over me—oddly
enough, not the magical power to do
something but rather the lack of d
The holdup man twisted away, took
the gun from the bricfcase and shot him
and, as Phipps was falling, said with con-
tempt, “Either you don't speak English
or you want to be a hero. So where did it
get you?”
Lying on his side on the pavemer
Phipps watched the man walk rapidly
away and be replaced by a crowd of oth-
er people, some of whom knelt near him
and asked questions that he was in no
condition to answer, for now he could
not speak at all. But there would have
been little point in trying to inform them
he was dying: That was surely self-e
dent and, like all the essential matters,
beyond words
El
CLAS ACT
(continued fiom page 116)
American market opened up) have
made enormous headway in the United
States. Although over-all liquor sales
here have declined about 24 percent
since 1979, sales of imported vodkas
have shot up significantly.
The origin of vodka is still a matter of
ispute between Russians and Poles,
gued heatedly for centuries
which of their countries deserves
The word itself comes from a
n diminutive for voda, which
means water. But voda has been applied
to a whole range of spirits, including
those made from wine grapes, since the
14th Century.
| the word woda first ap
peared in print in the 16th Century, but
many believe it originated much сані
What Americans know as vodka is what
the Poles call “clear vodka which
makes up 40 percent of that country’s
production, Clear vodka seems to have
been derived from experiments con-
ducted in 1810 by a St Petersburg
chemist named Andrey Albanov, who
discovered that charcoal absorbs impu
ties. Pétr Smirnoff applied Albano
technique to vodka making some ci
years later, and ultimately. the Smirnoll
formula was brought to this country in
1934.
Today, only the nest vodkas from
around the world are exported to the
United States. The variety, however, can
be staggering. The Russian Tea Room in
New York City stocks more than 30 im-
ported vodkas to go with its eastern Eu-
ropean Cuisine. With perestroika a fact of
economic life, an even greater number
of interesting vodkas should be arriving
from Eastern Bloc countries
Just what is it that makes one premi-
um yodka different from another? To
begin with, vodka is made from a wide
ariety of distillates, including potatoes,
wheat, corn, rye and other grains. Like
any oth pirit, vodka is made from a
fermented mash that is distilled into al-
cohol. To drive out most of the impu
ties (and much of the flavor), it is
distilled at a very high proof and is
further purified by filtration, usually
through charcoal. The result is a color-
less spirit that’s 80 to 100 proof
Like gin, which gets its name and dis-
tinct flavor from juniper berries, vodka
can be flavored by the addition of aro-
matics such as citrus peels, peppercorns
and sweeteners. While inexpensive vod-
kas taste bland, premium. brands have
velvety textures that send bursts of glow-
ing heat down the throat. Some are cle-
gant and quite subtle; others have power
and a range of flavors.
Other elements that distinguish one
vodka from another include the quality
of the ingredients used, the purity of the
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PLAYBOY
222
water and the distinctive properties ol
the rocks used in the filiration process
Whatever the production method, pre-
mium vodkas have three important
things in common—they are pure, crisp
and consiste
In 1972, PepsiCo opened the market
lor imported premium vodkas by strik-
ing a trade agreement with the Soviet
Union to exchange Pepsi lor the excl
sive rights to import and distribute Rus-
sian vodka in the U.S. Consequently, the
only spirits exported from Russia per
mitted 10 carry the vodka label are
lichnaya and Риме.
“Soli” is made from wheat and the
unpolluted glacial waters of Lake La
doga, Alter distillation, filtered
through quartz and activated charcoal
itis
giving it a classic vodka taste. Stolich
naya's premium brand. Cristall, is made
from an even higher grade of wheat and
is produced via a more complicated
process. As a result, it is available only
limited quantities in the U.S.
Stolichnaya also makes several Па
vored vodkas. Pertsovka. flavored. with
chili peppers. goes nicely with a bowl of
borscht. The lemon-flavored Limonnay
is delicious with delicate dishes such
And Okhotnichya,
in grass and wild-
her honey, is excellent as an alter-
ver drink.
Priviet, the t premium
п Russia, currently is sold
US. markets. Made from wine
sali
smoked
flavored with moi
brand
"west
т
wheat
and purified glacial waters, WS a great
ixer and is tasty straight up.
Another sting oflerin
Russia, Tarkh y only be labeled
a grain spirit in America because of Pep-
siCo's agreement with (he Russians.
This premium brand is Navored with
turkhuna grass, which gives the spirit
a slightly grassy flavor and a brilliant
emerald color
Poland recently opened its famous
Wyborowa (Vee-ba-ro-va) distilleries to
the public. There. an extraordinary
ange of spi all Labeled vodka, а
made Irom a variety of distillates, includ-
ing potatoes . rye, pes and
cane.
lis Wybo
“the choicest,
select rye gra
wh
iva brand. which means
is made from 100 percent
and water from artesian
wells and is triple-distilled to remove all
ities. It has a warm, exquisite and
ed flavor that. ripples across
ıhe pa id down the throat. a true
connoisseur's vodka.
Another Eastern Bloc entry in the
premium-vodka market is Hungaria Di-
mond. Made [rom the “centuries-old
nily recipe” of the Kajari family o
Lake Balaton. this new brand is tripl
filtered through diamonds, which
said to give ving purity
The vodka that has to be credited with
Kicking off the thirst for imported pr
ШШ а is Sweden's Absolut
ani
sin Amer
Through a series of clever advertise
ments including an Absolut Playboy
“I think we're on to something.
centerfold complete with Data Sheet),
Absolut established itself as the vodka of
choice for tendies and traditionalists
alike. Sold in both S0- and 100-prool va:
rieties, Absolut is a mellow vodka with
an enticing aroma. Is perfect in a dry
martini or served ice cold. (Delicious,
lemon-flavored Absolut Citron vodka
and spicy. pepper-Havored Absolut Pep-
par are also available.)
Iceland's Elduris, meaning “fire and
Absolut. in its lush.
nd Нако it a superb match
€ r on butt Another
indic vodka, ICY, owes ity purity to
crystal-clear glacial warers of Reyk-
javik, reputed to be among the cleanest
inthe world
his triangular bottle makes Denaka,
from Denmark. easy to spot. Aside from
having a clean taste, Denaka leaves a
lovely balance of heat and sweet linger-
vr on vour palate
No one need re Finlandia
hails from. but this is a distinctive, beau-
tifully balanced vodka. p:
suited to s
ice,” is similar to
makin
ed toast.
ress whi
icularly well
afood and caviar, with its
acute dryness and lier
ng. linge
taste reminiscent of the ЇЇ,
Other non- Nordic Slavic nations
have hopped aboard the vodka band
wagon with some excellent new brands.
Possibly the finest of them is Tanqueray
Sterling fom Great Britain. This grain
vodka is distilled twice over granite
chips. Alter the second distillation, it is
filtered on a third bed of granite chips
before artesian well water is added.
The American-made Smirnoff Silver
Private Reserve also is a good choice. H
is Smirnofl’s top-of-the-line vodk:
made according to the company’s or
nal formula.
Even the Japanese аге wi
share of the
beth 80-
smooth, clean and re
ina di
ssardless of brand. any vodka of this
or of ani
g fora
arket. Suntory produces
id 100-proof vodkas that are
А packaged
med ar
ctive square bottle.
iber is best appreciated in its most
pristine form. Trac olds that it be
chilled and served neat in smal
that resemble shooters.
Another way to serve vodka is to place
а boule or decanter of the spirit in a
bucket of water and then [reeze the wa-
ter around it. Remove the bucket from
the freezer and warm the sides to release
the ice-bound decanter. Then pour with
flaiv into chilled vodka glasses
In eastern Europe, vodka is tradition-
ally downed in a single gulp: but here in
the United States, premium vodka has
become a drink to savor and sip by the
fireplace over verses by Pushkin: “How
hotly burnsa kiss in frosty weather! How
fresh a Russian girl is in the powder of
the snow!” Read on! Drink up!
glasses
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sterlin; ту he'd tied to refuse
when nsylvania's governe
to be equally divided among Boston,
Philadelphia and their respective states
There were kite strings attached: The
his
the sal
e was Pe
principal was to be invested and not
touched for 200 years; some could be
used for loans to apprentices, but the
rest could not be spent until 1990. "Con-
sidering the accidents to which all hu-
man Projects are subject in such a length
of Time,” he wrote in his will, 71 have
perhaps too much flattered myself with
а vain Fancy that these Dispositions will
be continued.” In that, at least, rhe great
gimp was wrong. His bequest has tund-
ed hundreds ol loans for young trades-
men and is still worth $6,500,000.
ALICE IN WONDERLAND
: Mice Liddell
Fran: Charles Dod,
Date: November 26, 1864
Value: Sentimental
Dodgson was an Oxford don. A math
ph pher
a writer, he was
also a confirmed bachelor. who
ferred the company of. prepubescent
girls to that of adults. He took nude
photos of his young girlfriends: one Alice
expert has written duu Dod
normal devotion to litle girls? may have
made Victorians “shudder as they read.
In any case, Dodgson was 30 and Alice
his boss's daughter, was ten when he
took her boating on the Thames in the
summer of 1562. On that “golden after-
noon,” he spun the tale of an Alice who
chased a white rabbit down a hole. That
story became one of the most popular
books ever: two years later, Dodgson
dumped Alice, then 12. in favor of a
younger girl.
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY
To: America
From: France
Date: October 28, 1886
Kalne: $250,000
ematiciai
cur
ad—as Lewis Carroll
pre-
son's "ab-
To mark America’s centennial and cel-
ebrate their love lor all Americans ex-
cept those who wanted prompt service
y restaurants. the French people passed
the hat. They collected 5250.000 and in
1875 hired Frédéric Bartholdi to sculpt
а vast monument symbolizing what
America meant to the world. Today. the
icon might be а quarter-ton-pounder
with cheese or a colossal handgun: in
those days. she was Liberty. Bartholdi
built a copper-and-steel lady who stood
151 feet tall. tipped the scales at 450,000
pounds and held the torch of frcedom.
Shipped in crates to New Yoik harbor
she was formally accepted by President
Grover Cleveland and took her place on
Bedloe Island, wh her torch was the
first glimpse ol America seen by thou-
sands) of immigrants, The Emma
Lazarus sonnet at her feet, a call io 7 The
wretched refuse of your teeming
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PLAYBOY
226
shore /Send these, the homeless, tem-
sin these days of immi-
quotas and border patrols
Eugely ironic. But in 1886, the. divin
Miss L. ennobled two countries.
THE NOBEL PRIZE
To: Humankind
From: Alfred Nobel
Date: December 10, 1896
Value: 59,000,000
When he was 31, chemist Alfred No-
bel literally launched. a nit
factory—the place exploded. killi
brother Emil. The Swedish
told Nobel to find a calmer line of work
tead, he invented dynamite. Busi
ned. A pacifist who just happened to
love demolition, Nobel worried. about
lycerine
his
overnment
the arms and legs his creation soon blew
from pillar to post. When he died, he
idowed а fund 10 reward humanitari-
ans. The recipients of his largess have
been generally well chosen by the secre-
tive Nobel committees, except for peace
prizes w war lovers Teddy Roosevelt
and Henry Kissinger. Nobel laureates
include Martin Luther King, Jr.. Mother
Amnesty International and the
Lama lor peace; T. S. Eliot,
al
and
тип
; Ма
comedi;
electrody
Albert Einstei
mer/qu:
Richard Feynman tor science.
ner now gets 519
hteous bucks
ооо
but not
ıd change—
enough 10
THE LIZ DIAMOND
To: Elizabeth Taylor
From: hard Burton
Date: 1964
Value: 51.500.000
We loved h
en larynx. She w
woman on earth; he was the sexiest man
alive. They were the wonders of the Six-
ties world. They collided in Cleopatra
and threw sparks th
couple look like Ma and Pa Кеше. Liz
and Dick were magic: their ch
was so potent they could be typecast as
Renaissance sex warriors in The Taming
of the Shrew and as spent symbols of
Western torpor in Who's Afraid of Vir-
ginia Woolf? Liz was late to their wed-
ding in 1964, the story goes (they would
divorce in 1974, remarry in 1975 and
redivorce in 1976). Dick, the Mod Pe
chio, checked his watch and grumbled
А lew days later, he sprang a surprise—a
pear-shaped) 6942-carat sparkler that
outweighed the Hope diamond by 25
carats. More romantic than this it
doesn’t get: Dick had bid against Cartier
for the gem but dropped out of the bid-
ding when the price hit $1,000,000. The
next day, he thought better of his parsi-
mony, bought it from
500.000 and gave it to Liz on thei
an honeymoon. In 1979, citing the
hefi
g ir. sh
ned 40 pounds
mistry
rocks diseances
she had insuri
мапу
“We figure the public is ready for an updating of
“Miracle on 34th Street.’
THE ANCHOR MAN
Continued from page 114)
father dug ditches. And Dan lies ex-
tolling those virtues now. [Smiling] 1
think there is по virtue whatsoever in
digging ditches. Whatsoever, Not to
ме his or anybody else's father who
digs ditches. But it is not a life ambition
10 dig ditche
ngs’ conversation sounds
ith Wharton novel when the
scene shifts 10 the country house and
there is some snooty chap at the card
table, but he is really an extremely
handsome and gregarious fellow. in
pink-and-white tattersall. like a bunch of
mixed chrysanthemums, with his sleeves
rolled up and the top bution undor
a reddish-pink paisley tie. and the
trousers of a dark-blue suit and black
loafers. He is siting in a tweed easy
rin his office just off the ABC news-
room. Anyone else with his looks we
- high-tailed it to
mly resolved never to work agi
Not Jennings
He strove
his face. Ob, not completels—he w
clever for that. A smart man in television
news can go further on his looks than he
can on anything else.
“1 meet a lot of young people who are
boring." says Jennings, leaning over and
up his socks. the right, the left,
a the right, leaving the lefi but going
ck to it alter a moment, then drawing
leg. His office is a pe
rectangle of Eskimo prints, Eskimo
eskimo statues and a Persian car
pet. Everything cozy. Tom, the male sec
mio what extent
victory lor Miss Marton every wife must
decide for herself
way
Now, Id
Jennings. “but some
somehow, apparently, Pm told, go
through this... this ching by which they
ally date rwenty-one-year-old
Г just can't im
twenty-one-year-old gir
one who's interesting in
Hollywood
nd. sweated to overcome
down his irous
fee
gods,
he signals a
brings collec on a
t face this prospect.” says
men who turn fifty
gine dating а
ld you say to one
He draws back his head and shuts his
eves. “Owwweeee
He opens them.
1 don't know.” he says. “I don’t think
we
he says.
women begin (o get ting till
they're thirty. My wile is forty and 1
k she's really interesting!
Then, in a sort of tender. reverie,
scratching his elbow. he bethinks himsell
of Miss Marton. It is impossible to know
what he thinks exactly, but the day I met
Miss Marton, she was haberdashed in a
still straw hat with a low crown and had
pink polish on her toes and was sitting
by the pool in the sun in her garden in
Bridgehampton. Her glistening blue-
and-white bathing suit was cut upon her
shapely figure with such candor that she
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PLAYS OT
228
may as well have been stark naked. In
short, one could see they have а mar-
riage of the purest possible kind
.
Yes, women are fond of Jennings. He
has one of the great reputations in world
journalism. Jennings reconnoiterings
are so celebrated that he has begun, in
his monogamous state, to be venerated.
His opportunities alone would have
driven a man of more ellrontery to the
atthe latest
was eleven” savs
Jennings. “Her 1 dra Du-
She lived in Ihe first
woman | wits really in love with lived
little town. Her
ter. Her name was Jeannette Staples. 1
remember competing with a va! num-
ber of people for her favors and loving. 1
harbored for many
years. I have not seen her since. h would
probably not be ood thing for cithe:
one of us. Were probably a bit long in
the tooth.”
He shakes his head fondly
"I mean, I havent seen her in Murty
warst In fact.” says Jennings. "I haven't
seen her in more than thirty years. T un-
derstand she has four children. The last
time d checked. she was living in
Kingston. Ontario. 1 have no idea il she
knows what Edo. She may think I run a
hardware store. I have no idea
But what's going on now is a good
deal more interesting than what was go-
ing on then. | would be nervous to go to
my high school reunion. Eu most of
us wouldnt recognize one another 1
would forget people's names or some-
thing and they wonld be offended. and
then | would really be ups
In fact, all my life, part of me wished
to be excruciatingly norm And. obvi-
ol me wanted to be different
led up somewhat
ı normal. Or more
ge. I guess. And that
Sits pluses and is minuses. 1 e
ple who grew up in my he
ight friends
grave by 1076, or 197
1 started when 1
ne was S;
biner. loronto.
ra
father was а schoolmas-
ibiions for 1
ously, par
And T supl
more dierent h:
different than aver
1
pe
and kept their same set of
we Гуе
ху
“town
ALLA RANE p Do
пу years. They are very
limited in some ways, but in other ways.
they are very secure and tied to the
ground and have something that is es-
sential to them. They've never had w go
off exploring Saudi Arabia or Java.”
.
Jennings appears thinner, darker.
more expensively dressed and thicker-
haired on television. H is no accident
tha nd Rather and Brokaw
are me as William Hurt, the
actor who plaved an anchor man in the
And Jennings is better than any-
body at anchoring. because he is the cas-
iest 10 watch, which is what yeu are
supposed to do with television. He turns
slightly and, hing thoughtfully,
looks at his right loafer, a very
tasseled affair with sides rising up like
nnels and the shine of à Nau-
gahyde dashboard.
Exploration!” he says cheerlully
“Thats the Every time 1 tum
around, the best thing that can happen
to me is to explore. When I come in
here in the morning lull of piss and
Vinegar because Eve been out and met
somebody interesting or seen something
interesting, And
for lo these v
movies.
cou
und
I come in off the Moor.
the people with whom I work that I re-
sent most are the ones who don't come
in having explored something the night
before. T mean. they've all got access.
they've all got derivative power here.
And they should be on! using that power
nd exploring! Everything! Art. boxing.
veterinary medicine, bowlin 1
mean, you choose
“TI even stand
ay vile calls me a
street-corner talker. 1 will talk and want
10 talk 10 anybody at great length, go to
the movies and miss the movie because
Vm talking to some homeless guy on the
and she doesn't appr
I do it. | worry about the
Think mi me
neless than about ar
ve of it to
the degre
hi e worried
bout the | thing
else, And 1 am quite engaged with the
homeless. Yes. Um a Christian. Yeah. Im
Saim Ann's in Bridge-
less a lot
ALI ще © P
SEX =
p
hampton. Anglican. as T call it.”
Jennings says he likes compet
but he doesn't think he’s particularly ag-
gressive. He doesn't think he has
“clubbed his way to the top.” and his de.
sire lor fame is getting "smaller all the
time. . . . When people used 10 write,
some years ago, if people wrote some-
thing horrible about me. Pd really get
desperately upset. Desperately upset! Be
cause one does nor think of oneself as
being bad. Bad! And, therefore, should
nol be torn apart. Now if they do ü—
and. fortunately, they don't do it тоо of-
Well. OK. You can't. have
everybody love you. But I don have a
particularly thick skin. But I dont want
10 be loved by everybody. No. No. That
would be bland, 1 (hink (har
would presume I was rather bland.” he
says, smiling. He has the kind of vanity
that is like a boutonniere in the lapel. He
is really such a lovely, graceful flower of
а fellow. The perfect combination of
on pictures, Edward R. Murrow and
teatime at the Stanhope. And switching
legs. dropping one to the floor and pick-
ing up the other, plucking at his trousers
and dropping and pulling in his chin, he
sighs happily
But 1 lie in bed and worry,” says Jen
nings. “Why I didi do a better job yes-
terday. How Ell do a better job today. Is
always been v useful to me to think
that Ewas going to be fired tomorrow. It
made me work harder. One of my bosses
once said to me, "Why do you hate man
Z And 1 said. “It keeps me
len—l say
rather
agement so?
sharp" Му wife says Fm not happy il
she’s not criticizing something. I call her
up and ask her every day. “How was the
program? When she says, ‘Fine. 1 say
“What do you mean, it was fine? Wasn't thal
terrible? Wasn't this awful?
“Novel things! I like novel things. I
like novel ideas. When I watch our own
broadcast every day. 1 squirm when it's
been predictable, 1 don't watch inel].
watch the pieces in the broadcast. And
when we've done something thats un
predictable or novel, whether it’s light
or soli or intense, Pm very pleased.”
.
Around lunchtime in the fall of the
year, Jennings is spotted on a side street.
about five blocks from the office, in the
embrace of a small dark-haired young
lady. She must have just fallen on the
rb and Jennings is brushing her off
Later, he is seen t cab with a
blonde. Observed from the back. the
woman looks old enough 10 be and
probably is his mother: In the winter, he
is observed on West $ Tst, across from the
Museum of Natural History, very early
in the morning, walking down the
street, laughing and hugging a thin
dark-haired young lady. They look very
happy. This, however, turns out to be his
wile.
El
Another beautifulyear.
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PLAYBOY
THE MAC GUFFIN uns jon page 160)
"Druff
remembered what an attractive, tragic, brood-
ing figure she had made him feel at the time.”
now Drufl remembered exactly what an
attractive, tragic. brooding figure she
had made him leet at the time, recalling
who hadn't forgotten so much afier all,
though they were seated inside the Stu
dent Union—L Mer was playing on the
jukebox—how he had had this vagrant
image of himsell, how he must
looked in her this. wind-blown.
tempesttossed guy, colku turned up
against the elements, cigarette smoke
rolling like fog up the side—it wasn't
that many years since the war had end-
ed—ol his doomed Resistance fighters
sharp le
"Um imerested— he said
tent thar Pm interested in anything
have
eyes.
tures
to the ex-
n
polities.” To fulfill his social-science
quirement. he was taking a course in
civis. Monday there might be a snap
quiz on the bicameral legislature
Really? In polities
Vm like you.” the future city coi
mis-
ıdedly
sioner of streets confided off
1 want to help make sure that future
ions of children will have, well
They met for collec, they went to the
They'd
ain of
movies, they went to concerts
emhusiastic
their professors and from time to time
They
were the only couple they knew who did
this on a date. Though they really didn't
know all that many couples. Rose Helen
was а sorority girl. (Yes. it surprised
Drulf, too.) There was this rule that
sorority girls сошкі date independ-
ems. Well. it wasan unwritten rule, actu-
ally. enlorceable only while the girls
were still pledging. Though even after
they were initiated, it was strongly dis-
wed. “They wouldnt want to be
hypocrites.” Rose Helen told him
“That's what they say. that they wouldn't
want to be hypocrites. the hypocrites
That it would ser a bad example for the
pledges, thar what would ive think il we
were still pledging and found out one of
become about cer
would sit in on cach other's classes.
cot
our sisters was dating someone who
wasn't a Greek?”
That's why they didn't know too many
couples. That's why they met for colfec
in va
ous calés on campus, that’s why
they met in front of certain movie the
aters, and managed to be in line when
the tickets to particular concerts--Odet
ta, Pete Seeger, Theodore Bikel—went
on sale. That's why they sat in on each
other's classes.
Because the pressure was on her noi
to date an independent, because she
couldn't bring him to her sorority house
(and because the kindlady in Drull’s
boardinghouse was as strict about men
socializing with women in their rooms as
the sisters were about fraternizing with
independents), couldn't and wouldirt
she said. even if she could. Because she
didit want any brooding, tempest
tossed. La Mer-whistlin agic and sar
castic Friend of hers subjected to the silly
remarks of a bunch of spoiled, mali
cious, superficial girls. Though Drull
felt he could have held his own with the
best of them and wouldn't have minded
He told Rose Helen as much
No." she saîd “Why stoop to their
level?
Well, why did you?” he asked in nim
Which was just exactly the wrong
question. Drull^s litle poster girl dis
solved in tears, and nor because she
couldn't answer his oblique reference to
her hypocrisy but because she could. Ве
cause she knew hersell that well
Vm two years behind my year” she
sobbed. “I should be aduatir
June, Instead. I'm only this sophomore
Don't you know anything? Because why
did they rush me if it wasn’t to show oll
how liberal they were? Not only a erip
ple but a relatively presentable cripple
and not only a relatively presentable
cripple with this almost sanitary deform-
someone than they. and
arent they sisters, and don’t sisters have
dig sisters So what does that make me il
hot ап inter somewhere be-
tween an older and theit
mother? Someone who not only can do
for them—make adjust-
ments on their ha then
lists of French and Spanish vocabulary
with them. help with their mending.
ve them a hip to cry on—but who
looks good on their record, too. Dont
you know anything? I wasn't here three
days before they spotted me and rushed
me. They didn’t even give me a hard
time. I wasn’t even hazed.”
She telling him—though, of
course is for all this hadn't been
was their first
tive action, token project
He persisted. "You didit answer my
question. Why? Well, why did you?
You don't
пу but older
nec
sister house:
last-minute
rdos,
go over
was
the te
invented yer—that she
allir
Don't you know anythir
know anything, do you? E told you, they
MIL E ever had to do
front
was taken. 1
made it casy for me.
was pose with them in dhe row
when the group picture
wasn't even hazed.”
I she was their first affirmative action,
Drull was their second
Rose Helen said she'd told them about
him and that they couldit wait to meet
He was invited to come to dinner
him
Tuesday night
“Well, yes,” he said. “Um an ‘inde-
pendent.” This was in the living room
(He supposed ú was a living room,
though it might. have been a drawing
па library,
knew, the board room ol
тоот or EVE
room or a music
even. for all he
some fabulous, oak-paneled. corporate
headquarters. He'd never seen anything
like it. It could have been à manor house
in the family for generations.)
Rosie tells us that you intend to be a
politician,” said one of his hostesses
Well,” he said. “Um not running for
anything, if that’s what you mean. My
eye isn't our for any particular “office
That's how he spoke to them all
evening, in the living. room—il that's
what it was—and, later, at the head table
at dinner, shooting. for aphorisms by
stressing individual
them off in what he hoped would be un-
derstood as quotation marks, sometimes
punching up everything. addressing
them in a Kind of oral Braille. When
they were informed that they would be
taking their coffee and dessert by the pi-
гий wiped at
ner of his lips with his napkin and
words or
setting.
ano that evening rose
thec
thanked the president of the sorority for
having him over for dinner. “Really,” he
said, “though Fm this, quote, bred in
the bone, unquote, quote, independent
unquote, E have to admit that the dinner
was excellent. and the evening was fase;
naling. and | underscore lascinating
You're very kind, all of you. As à would
be, quote, public man, unquote, 1 have
to confess to a certain. quote, interest
unquote, in the dynamics of your organ
ization. 1 find it’s all rather like some loy
al politician's allegi party
Quote, party, unquote, underscored
well
we to
In that living room again, Rose Helen
and he were directed to se
the leather solas and offered collec and
cake by a waiter. (Drull recognized him
They lived in the same boardinghouse.)
There was some general conversation
Then the waiter went around the room
taking up their cups and saucers, their
cake plates, their forks and spoons and
paper napkins. One of the sorority sis-
ters walked over to the piano and sat
down on the pimo bench. She
joined by the rest of the girls, who
ranked themselves about her in what
cven Drull recognized as a formation, a
kind of musical battle stations.
ts on one ol
was
Оһ, no," Rose Helen groaned.
What?
Oh, no.
Some of the waiters had come in from
the dining room and were leanin
A
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PLAYBOY
232
against a wall in the entrance hall
"he president of the sorority was
speaking dir d Rose Hel-
en on the sola. “Robert.” s “ihe
women of Chi Phi Kappa are proud of
all their Rose Helen, however.
whose maturity and unselfish generosity
sisters.
have been an inspiration 10 all of us,
holds a special place in our hearts, and
we do not wonder that she should have
s. Now, Rose
п honor of you
new friend, the ladies of Chi Phi Kapp:
pleased to honor you t
evening with a serenade, one of the most
cherished of our traditions.
“Your sisters smile on you tonight,
Rose, and wish you all the happiness you
could wish for yoursell. We delight in
your delight. We support you, we love
you, we bless you
They sang the Chi Phi
They sang the school fi
sang love songs. They sa
My Posy. They sang La Mer
OF course they w
course they were
tion, it was like hi ion of a
firing squad, a line like taking, at close
nge and at full force, a blast from a fire
hose. OF course he felt patronized, of
course he did. Nevertheless, he felt he
had made a good impression.
.
He had. Rose Helen told him, he'd
confirmed all their misgivings, was е
erything they thought an mdepende
would be
“Didn't you feel it?” she said. “Didn't
you feel any of it? Didn't you? Dort you
know what that was?” They were in one
of the small study rooms—two small typ-
ing tables, a comple of desk lamps, two
ow cot—at the back of the
sorority house. The door to the study
room was open. Rose Helen was stand-
ing with her hand on the little shelf
above her damaged left hip, the akin
bod arm and forward thrust of her
body giving her her familiar, faintly bold
air, and a suggestion about her mouth
(though if this was there at all, it was
something Druff had penciled in him-
self) of the pout of some saloon cupid.
you are my розу" Drull said,
for her hand and lifting it from
her hip to pull her gently toward the cot
he held her ground.
they'll come running.
“Why would you scream
i
have to be on
Why would you scream?
“We came in here to study. We
posed to be studying
Isn't this the passion pit? Isn't that
what they call it?
He stood up and kissed he
“The dows open.”
ГИ close it.”
Is supposed 10 be open. Yo!
ye
in your
interesti
house a
Kappa sc
hi song. They
y Rosie, You Ave
ten-
“HL seres
ten, its almost ten-thirty. Males
є sup-
© not
allowed to close it.”
is closed
“The door across the
ver there is.”
That one
those
"she said. Then she went
to the door and dosed it herself
ove т
Druff stood waiting 10 embrace her
They are.” she said, “but even if they're
not. even if they're in there with boys,
even if they're slow dancing with the
each others behinds,
even if they're French kissi Even if
they're, quote, doing it. unquote, I
wouldn't let you touch me, 1 wouldn't
even let you hold my hand.”
“Why? My God, Rose Hele
They're your sisters. They sere
Isn't that like piping us abe
they just, like, marry us at sea
“Don't you know what that was? Dor
They as good as made you il
mascot, They brought the waiters up
from downstairs as witnesses.
"Come on,” Drull sai
about them.”
She was crying again, and Druif sud-
denly understood that that was why
she'd closed the door, because she knew
they were going to have this conversa-
tion. And why she'd extended their invi-
tation in the first place, because it w
exactly the conversation she'd wanted to
have with him from the beginning. L
derstood she was permitting him some-
thing far more intimate than just the
groping he had anticipated, showing
Tim a glimpse ol her turt, an unrestrici-
ed view ol her cards on the table.
He tried to comfort her. “Oh, Rose
Helen. Rose Helen, oh.”
“Don't you
Dont I what?”
That was it. That's what they were
saving. That's what they were waiting
for all along,
“What are you talking about,
What were they waiting for, wh
they saving:
That was my hazing
“No,” he said, “youve got it wrong.
Rose. Theyre your sisters. they're. on
our side, Really. AU the happiness we
could. wish for ourselves, remember?
(Druff taki his arms—maybe he
way political, maybe he wes—and work-
wondering, mar-
hands all over
you
wi care
Rose
were
Doi know? Don't they
know its alla line? Dont they scc how it
is with us? Don't they know what we
want to do to them, what we want th
to us? Are they fools, or what?)
And astonished to be stroking her
breasts beneath her swe: › slip his
hand up beneath her skirt, 10 nc
the rind of st ad feel the di
silk of he
They were seated о
He tried to di
get her to lie beside hi
ed. She struggled to a sitting position
d started to rise, “ML right.” 1
cot now. to
п she resist-
“all right” and she sat back down a
(OF conse, political. Polit inlv
Bargaining actual territory. dividing
physical spoils, making these Val
rangemel (hat it was son
agreed without one word passin
tween them that he could do this bur not
that, that but not this. Although he was
not. for example. permitted to blow in
her ear. he was allowed to lick her nip
ples. Alt would never hold his
erection shit touch a
NT
chow
IS. so
be-
here and there through his trousers.)
Dralf, astonished led. amazed
now by her bizarre terms, terms, he real
ized. roughly equivalent to the restric:
tions imposed by the Hays Office in
-gard to the
(One foot had to be on the floor
times. They c
open. bar only one of
could be moving, and if ñ was his, he
could touch her breasts but was not per-
mined to go under her dress.) D was to
sexual conduct in. films.
t all
ihs
ld Kiss with iheir nu
become the source of what weren't so
much arguments as vaguely legalistic
quickly abandoned disagreements, like
appealed line calls in tennis, say. or
batter's brief, abrupt flash of tempera:
ment about an umpires questionable
called strike.
And touching her hip. of course, was
out of the question.
As out of the question as the flesh and
hair beneath that chartered, licensed.
two-or-three-inch strip of damp silk or
cotton underwear, the tolerated. noil ob-
stat clastic piping that edged her draw-
ers and that he worried with his finger
like a lock of hair.
So maybe she was political, tao. A
born legislator, some negotiator of the
physical being, Because she was right, it
was almost 10:30, almost t for him to
leave, gratefully disappear with the oth-
er males—she was right about that, too:
his presence in that house of females
had altered him; he was “male” now, his
sex у some new state of chemical ex-
citation. d d. changed,
like the cooked properties of solids me
ing to vape wd she'd somehow man-
aged to arrange all this in the las"
quarter hour of that first night
(But why was he grateful: He w
grateful for the same reasons hed been
relieved. the shit-scared avoider, 10 learn
that the dear-skinned beauties of the
Sadie Hawkins Day Dance had been the
wrong clear-skinned bea He was
pped in a cocoon of stupidity, inno-
inexperience. Not virtue, but its
simulacrum, what virtue did while it bid-
ic, until it sloughed fear and
п the cosmetic f
- He was grateful because he was а
virgen and he didn't have to fuck her aud get
it all uws whey!)
.
Now at least they had a place to go.
Though they still dich that
many couples, didit double-date, were
s—
wr
cence
on;
know
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there—at least. her legacy. Druff
was—on sullerance. like guests of an as-
sociate member of a country club, say
And if, collectively, they were novelties
to the girls of Chi Phi Kappa. the girls of
Chi Phi Kappa were even greater novel-
s 10 Drull Rose Helen was a novelty
Druff. Indeed, Draff was a novelty to
ги. (It was st е и simmering
maleness, his ballsy, new- d exhibi-
»nisUs swagger, his vai ard, his
simmering chemical privilege and lib
ties— hut these days, he went about feel-
ing as if he had on br
On weekdays, he went there to si
with Rose Helen
сирей, they would go into one of
the tiny study rooms. (Since the night of
the serenade, when she had gone to the
door and closed it herself and then ne
gotiated with him the ünspoken rules of
their relationship, the study was never
closed when they were in it) At 10:30,
however, he was the first n [the
house. Even on weeke: the
curlew was extended un ight, he
was always the first to 1
Tt was as il he understood their suffer-
ance (he did), their combined weight on
the thin social ice that supported them
And it he was political, he thought, it was
a strange way to practice his politics, ly-
ing low, muting, as it were, his own
horn, making himself scarce on the very
dot of the curfew hour like Cinderella
He could not keep his hands off he
them almost surgical, circumscripted
реши as complicated as the careful,
delicately drawn lines of a contended ge-
ography, treatied borders; obsessed (not
just Отит, Rose Helen, too) with the
endless diversity, variations, interpre
ions and line distinctions available to
them within compliance. So that he be-
came, fey became, respective Casano-
vas. very Venuses, geniuses of loreplay
He was tidious, meticulous with
their curfews, and lived like some fabu-
lous criminal, by the lener of the Гал, as
sought to keep his nose clean by
xes, or cach day dropping
by the library to show the libr 1 the
due date on his stillanot-overduc book:
Yet it was no game he was playi
neither with Rose Helen nor with her
sisters. He was not seeking to test the
limits of their patience. He kuew ti La
Hs of their patience
their c
ad-new clothes.)
ad if they were unoc
ale out
He didnt observe
ews out of any of the old olly-
olly-oxer
but bec
pulses of his childhood,
: he was quite te
d of havi
ified of
privi-
hin
se privileges were large,
new, rare, immense. It wasn’t just wha
happened between the two of them i
the study (and much, despite the unim-
peded view they allorded anyone who
happened 10 be passing that open door
of the
compulso
strange love gymnastics, the
Olympic figures they cut.
did happen) but the incredible fee
he somchow fed by the curfew he was
forced to observe, by his knowledge that
the door was op
dangerous gyrations were almost adul-
terous, anyway, risky
On weekends, they
close to one of those studies. (It was un-
derstood that o
were reserved f
never even gi
weekends, these rooms
pperelassmen and
their dates.) Then they went out inte the
drawing
enm-library, w
chitectural equivalent was for that com-
big living
nusic
room. ever the ar
the house's
al passion pi. he supposed. And
in that crowded spac
t be upwards of 100 people in it,
eturned with their
campus beer
[rom parties,
basketball
strange thing happened. He melded in
with them, felt that he had somehow be
come invisible, though the others were
plainly visible to him, what they did—he
heard swe up over соп
modious, luxurious cent
there
girls dates Пош
he brandished his
own, less self-conscious. finally, than he
might have been in a communal shower,
a public bath. All about him, he
hear girls groaning, boys co
comings and groanings,”
flesh, erections
he joked to
Rose Helen.) Not a voyeur. In the scene
Of it. Could feel, hear, see, taste the mass
dishevelment. some sense of the undone
and awry, of smeared lipstick and
smudged face powder, of colognes gone
off and all the fired chemistry of naked
pheromones. À passion pit, indeed, a
steamy, cumulative sense of the ми
growing, of love cells dividing, multiply-
ing, building in the room like weather,
ram cloud, say, eleciric storm, thunder
clap. passionate waves sweeping over
them, a kind of heavy sexual traflic, his
hip at their haunches on the long.
crowded window seats, so that what he
fel was not just his own passion but his
passion added to the passion of every-
one cle, passion compounding,
carning interest on the passion of both
sexes. A great joy in this, like the joy
marvelous parade
He was in his element. He loved Friday
and Saturday nights, he loved e pluribus
unum and would willingly have ı
four weeknights alone with Rose Helen
in a study room for just one additional
half hour of extended curfew on the
cushioned window seats, long leather
chairs, or
a
aded
s upholstered wing
stretched. out with her in the
traffic on the fine Oriental ru
ad-floor room
.
just where Mrs. Post, the
sol
sexual
the big
Which i
housemothe
night out of the 80 or so
found them on the one
nce Drull had
been going to the Chi Phi Kappa house,
on the single occasion when he was not
e first one out the door. A fixture, in-
deed. And not only a fixture but some-
one whose habits were so well known by
now i was sad that you could ser your
watch by him. He had simply lost track
of the time. Or no, that wasn't quite
true, As a matter of fact, it was time he
was thinking of at the time, how this was
only a Friday, how they still had all Sat-
urday together. (Because he loved her
now, had discovered in just the past
month, the past few weeks, that the
was something there beyond the simple
fact of her availability, the damaged-
goods advantage he thought he had
over her because of her two-year senior-
ity and scarcely legible limp, which, if it
was nor completely put on, she had at
least to take the trouble to memorize,
little studied, like a dance step or a
swimmer's kick turn. Because he loved
her. because no one could. hold his
tongue in someone else's mouth for 80
out ol the past 100 nights without devel-
oping a certain fondness for the head as
a whole, the neck and everything it rest-
ed on. Because he loved her. because he
had come to appreciate her savage т
sentiment, enjoy her outcast representa-
tions of herself, his own acereditation in
the drama, appreci Helen's
marvelous mimicry of the sisters and frat
boys, even of the waiter from. Drudf s
boardinghouse She had qualities. Also.
head.)
Friday, there's
c Rose
n put his tongue i
Thinking. ‘This is only
still Saturday
“Wh: Draf said, started, “What
Mrs. Post laid one finger across the
face of her wrist watch
“Ts it curfew? Газ sorry, 1 wa
ing attention. [s it curfew already?
Mthough here and there, there were
people about, the room had begun to
thin out. The bays and window seats
were cleared. the piano bench. No one
cuddled in the wing ch
were all but vacant
Rose Helen sat up
grin, immediately be
housemother.
"How daw you?” she de
not the only one lefi.” Poi
med names, not only indica
few ol her sorority sisters still lingerie
with their dates but ticketing indiscr
tions, citing violations of dress codes, di-
shevelment of human decency
"Em sorry Drull mumbled, *
1 must have lost track of the time.
Rose Helen interrupted him. “You've
nothing 10 apologize for, why are you
apologizing? Is not your job to be sor-
гу. US not your job to listen for the bell
It isn’t your job to have people set the
watches by you.” She was [urious with
them both, Rose Helen. And although it
was Rose Helen who did the shouting, it
was Drull and Mrs. Post who got all the
attention. The girls, their dates, looked
from one to the other of them following
their Mabbergast silence. Druff felt an
odd connivance with and sympathy for
s. the sofas
nd. to Олай s cha-
n to lay into her
anced
edly,
inga
guess
лку. almost powerful hair, its
immaculate sheen, so at odds with her
wan, brittle features, must have been a
wig. "Well, c
“lets just see wl
study rooms!
“Most оГ those people are pinned,”
Mrs. Post. defended. “Many are er
d.
So,” said Rose Helen.
there. They havent lefi!
there, all right.
se,” Drull said.
“No,” snapped Rose Helen. but not at
Drull. at Mrs. Post, at her sorority sis-
at the fraternity boys, “1 wont
ease. Rules are rules. Pm going to
empty out those study halls for you!
And then began exaggeratedly to |
about the now silent, curiously
less passion pit, circling the bi
and gathering, it seemed. a sort
mentum, and went out into the hall, go-
ing past the big staircase and continuing
on toward th at the back of the
sorority house.
He heard her roughly openi
heard her shout “Curfew, curfew
hysterical town crier
“I'm going.” Drull c
now, Rose Helen”
“Curfew in there! Curfew
“PU phone you tomorrow,” he called.
“Would you tell her UH call her tomor
ppealed to Mrs. Post
he called him. It
They're
They're in
of mo-
g doors,
like
lled. “Em leaving
row?” he
But
was
in the mor
from Drull’s boarding!
to fetch him to the phone
r shrugged. “They ask for
catsup when it’s right out there on the
table in front of them.”
“I hope nothing's wre
18," he told the
er
“Some if it's chicken cacciatore,
or meat in a heavy y. they ask us 1o
cut it up far them in the kitchen so they
don't dirty their hands or get grease on
their clot
“Rose Helen? Are yo
Helen?” He expected he
She wasn't. though he could tell she
seemed excited. even pleased Sh
dicht scold him. didnt mention that
he'd lefi without saving good night
"1 threatened to resign.” she said. He
didit understand. “From the sorority. I
threatened to resign from the sorority.”
“But why?” Drull said.
"Mrs. Post was there when 1 told
them. Though you know,” she said. “I
don't blame Mrs. Post. She doesn't make
policy. she takes her signals from the
girls.” Drafl was uncomfortable. I any
of this was on his behalf...
“Eve only just left them,” Rose Helen
went on. “H could have been, E dont
know, à beauty parlor in there. You
should have seen them. All those girls in
mes
all right, Rose
to be crying
m f
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236
and face goo. . He
thought ol her own soft, beautiful skin,
oddly back-lighted, pearly from suffer-
ing, maybe from grudge. “Except for the
few of us who were still in our clothes, it
could have been a giant slumber party
| those girls in their shorty paj
some still clutching their Teddies, the
goofy, outsize turtles, froggies
stuffed kitty-cats they take to bed wi
them. It was really rather touching.”
“You woke them? Got them out of
bed?"
I called a special meeting,” Rose Hel-
en said. “1 had charges, I had witnesses.
You can call a special meeting when you
have charges and witnesses.
ges against who? Mrs. Post
t make policy. She takes her sig-
js from the girls, you said.”
1. I told them, ‘your room
s up. You've lost Jan and
Eileen this semester. Rachel's on aca-
demic probation and may flunk out. ^
Drull thought of the furniture, of the
and board ga
no, the Oriental
couldn't imagine that whi
lars Rose Helens leaving might cost
them could make a difference. He
thought them rich enough to take up
the slack by themselves. He didn’t want
her to resign. He'd grown too accus-
tomed to the furniture:
“Charges?” Druff sai
this anything to do w
grand p rugs. He
ever few dol-
“Witnesses?
h me? Am Lat.
H
fault here?”
“Why, again
silly.
st the girls in the stud
And my witnesses against them
those boys I rousted,
Now she was more interesting than
She was political, certainly. It was
those two years of seniority she had on
him, had on most of them, plus all those
other years of pure physical outrage
years she'd worn successively la
braces to correct her spine, plus thi
he could only have a guesswork knowl-
edge of—prosthetic bathing suits, per-
haps, prosthetic evening gow
“Rap carols! Is nothing sacred?!”
There were more meetings. Nothing,
of course, was done to the girls Rose
Helen had brought her charges against.
She was political; perhaps she didn't in-
tend any more to come of them than the
apologies—which she got—and pleas to
stay with the sorority, which she got.
.
In the end, however, she determi
10 resign from the sorority.
She told him she didn't even want to
ve in a dorm, the women's residence
hall the university had put up, that she'd
prefer a room in a boardinghouse.
^ boardinghouse,” Druf said.
at about a boarding-
boardinghousc, you
ave a landlady. I've told you what mine
‚ Rose Helen. They're all like that.
It just seems,” she said. 71 dont
know. romantic. You know what I really
think? I think they won't be around
much longer. Those big old wood hous-
es. They're a piece of Americana. All
those old landladi nd landlords will
die out one day. Their kids won't take
them over. One by one, theyll burn
down, or the university will buy them
nd turn them into queer little depart
menis—meteorology, Asian studies. Or
raze them altogether and put up big
new buildi a lucky. Ye
one. You know what 1
to live somewhere where they put
pur supper down on the table in big
serving dishes and you have to a
hed pot
ed
live
w.
someone 10 pass the ma
pass the st
the rolls and bread. Irs like missing out
on vaudeville. Al Jolso ппу Brice,
Burns and Allen. All those people I
know ing to on the radio
who rdinghouses and used
to be on the "circu she said.
“when I resign from Chi Um
definitely going into one.”
Because she was delu
esting than Druff, falling for her now at
second-per-second rates, as stones fall
But who tried still to talk her out of the
boardinghouse. Uncertain whether he'd
be welcome once she moved. Knowing
there'd be no more study rooms, no p:
sion pit worthy of the name (not, as it
were, alter you'd seen Paree), forced
in to think of those long lines at the
g beans, the water pitcher,
itely more inter-
movies, big public rooms in the Student
ms and lec-
at the early
Union, even of the c
ture halls where they'd sp
weeks of their courtship.
Meanwhile, she denied him access to
the sorority house, insisting it would be
too humiliating for them (who, for his
part, was hard to humiliate, who was
perfectly content to accept serenades at
face value, to have watches set by him, to
be the first out the door, content to eat
shit, to be seen there together).
He asked the waiter from his board-
inghouse to keep his eyes open, to tell
him if anything was going on.
“You want me to spy on her?
Toy wonder Francis Goldwyn
has a new idea that’s
150 million years old. He also prefers
Christian Brothers Brandy.
- A
Founder, The Manhattan Toy Co., Ltd. y
Prehistoric and modem toys. =
Last years sales: $5,000,000.
Christian Brothers.
— When you know better.
PLAYBOY
238
“No, of course not. Look, Edward.” he
said. and took the waiter imo his
contidence, told him the story till now.
m nor asking you to spy. Fm not ask-
ing vou to do anything you're not al-
ready doing. Just keep an eye out." He
revealed intimate details of the compli-
cated, astonishing. foreplay they prac-
ticed. He made mention of her hip
Drul didit regard any ol this as pav-
ment lor information, or even as brag-
ging. but as simple, heartlelt confidence,
one heartfelt gay in a boardinghouse to
another. All that detsil—are you kid-
ding?—il anything, il was as if he were
the waiters spy and not the other way
around
Rose Helen called on him at the
house, She was standing outside. Ht was
Edward who came to his room 10 tell
him she was there. (If we ever get mar
ied. Pm going ro have to ask him to be
my best man, Druff thought)
Rose Helen was wailing for
the ramp that, in lieu of steps, led up to
the porch. Druff looked at his escort and
opened the door I1 hadn't closed be-
hind him before Rose Helen spoke
“What's different about me? Can you
him on
say. can you tell? No. don't look at my
baix, it isn't my hair. Why do boys always
look at your hair when a girl asks that
question? Come on, ГИ give you a hint
ICs something vou wear but it isn't
clothes." He ex:
“Oh, Robert,
“ся
your sorority pin
“Who's tha
ined her serupulously.
she said, “you're so dense!
You're not
dward said.
«dward? Good for you.
your pir wear
se
Edward. You've absolutely ri; She
suddenly sounded to Druff like the
schoolteacher she would one day be.
“Well, Pye done it,” she saiel
“They make you turn these things
back in il you resign?” Edward asked
Drull said, “we're having a
private conversation.
“Please,
“Sorry” the waiter said, injured,
"sometimes it’s hard to know what's pri-
vate and what isn” Drull remembered
he'd once tried to describe to Edward
the taste of her breasts, the smell ol her
damp pants on his fingers. the odd lecl
of a particular soliness here, the com-
pensatory muscularity somewhere else
from the exercises she pertormed for
her hip. her spine, stretching and bend-
ing hersell, he supposed. like one doing
farm work, forking hay, maybe.
“So.” she said, “Eve voluntarily decon-
secraied. mysel. Гуе lel the Chi Plis.
Vm an independent now, too.”
Now they were sunk. he thought. She
didit sound sunk, but now they were
sunk. He wouldn't taste those breasts
again until they were married,
She started to come the rest of the way
up the ramp. but Drull went to meet
her. He began to walk with her toward
the Student Union. “Here,” she said,
when they had gone about a block, “you
wear this.” She took her sorority pin
from her purse and pinned it to his
shirt
“So.” Drulf said. “they dont
give them back
"Nope. that one’s bought and paid lor
Its free and dear I burned the mori-
ic on that when [quit the Chi Phis.”
ally.” Drull said, “when pins are
exchanged. it ly"
“It means you're engaged to be mar-
aid. "Ir means you have chil-
aber B means forsaking all
ans till death us do part."
ny pin." he said
il. “youre this quote,
You've prob:
got your own weird customs.” He ¢
her the waiter, he gave her Edward, as
he'd given parts of Rose Helen to the
waiter. They still didn’t kı пу other
couples, they still didn't double-date, but
they had a side-kick now. a retainer. this
best-man-in-waiting, this М
witness, their sworn fifth wheel and ir
m
ke you
ys you're goi
n tog
others. It r
Т doit have
dependent, unquote
terested second party, someone to le
mate their dove, make it interesting
enough, dramatic enough
.
She'd taken a room off campus. in
in enemy territory. behind the
“Down the hall.”
lines. near the railroad station, not far
from that diner where they'd gone the
time Rose Helen had sobbed to him,
conlessing her suspicion that shed
made Chi Phi Kappa because of what
she called her “sanitary deformity.”
Strictly speaking, H was an
unauthorized, nonuniversity
housing. nor the apartment that under-
graduate girls werent permitted to
Tease, and not the boarding-
house—no meals were served—about
which she entertained so many fancy, го:
mantic notions, but a furnished room in
what wasit even a rooming house for
female clientele. The
re Rose Helen stayed had as
address:
even
an exclusively
house wh
many n
T employe
drivers. switchmen and gandy ¢
"
students at
conductors and engine
in the house were n
wome
1 local college for be
dans; some were wives [rom the nearby
air base whose enlisted-men husbands,
could leave
st
I receiving their trainin
nds
zed from. the
food handlers,
think?” Rose
Iwo or three
Student
the base only on we
Drull reco;
Union—cashic
What
asked him
How did you y
not allowed to live here
withhold your credits.”
“L never gave the university a change
ol address.
"Suppose they have to get in touch
with you?”
“Why would they have to get in touch
with me? I lived at the Chi Phi Kap]
house almost two years: they never had
10 get in touch with me.”
“What about m:
Edward's there for
do vo Helen
1 this place? Youre
They could
lunch, he
bring it to me.”
“Is beautiful” Drull said. “Re:
nice.”
H really was, His standard was the
rooms at Mrs. Reese's, his own. Ed-
ward's, the three or four others he'd vis-
ited since coming to the university, His
standard was the small study rooms with
their typing tables and desk lamps. their
wooden chairs and narrow cots
There was a double bed with a pale
flowered spread ac ill sofa,
ladder-back rocker. a stripped dresser
with a pitcher and washbowl on it.
There was a closet. Phere was a paint-
s. а pleasant landscapee not a repro-
duction but an actual oil. There were
lamps. plants, hooked rugs. lace curtains
on Rose Helens two big, southern-
posed windows.
He heard someone on the stairs,
“Am 1 supposed to be in here?”
I's Edward,” Edward called. “with
the rest of your things.
“The landlady never said anvthing
about visitors" Rose Helen told him
“MI she ever said was that the railroad
workers come in at all hours. that they
vss H.
su
x-
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.
240
HOW TO BUY
Style
Page 22: Jacket, shirt and tie
shown by Henry Grethel, 212-
237-1555. A&S, NY.C.; Day-
ton Hudson, Midwest; The
Harris Co. San Bernardino.
Christmas Gift Guide
Pages 94-95: Camera by
Canon, 800-892-0020. A
able at authorized Canon
dealers near you, Belt and
specialty ski shops nationwide.
Page 164: Jacket by Cartouche
Leather Skiwear from Howard
D Imports, 708-965-3500, x41.
Northern Lights Leather,
Provincetown; Frivolous Sal's,
Vail, Co. Turtleneck, pants
and gloves by Obermeyer, 800-
222-3031. Sunglasses by Uvex,
800-343-3411, x215. Big 5
Sporting Goods, nationwide.
boots by Falconhead, 213-471-
7075. Falconhead, L.A. Watch by Rado, 800-
283-RADO. Available ar fine jewelry stores
and select department stores nationwide.
Page 96: Puzzle from SEL/Hunt, call 800-
345-6006 to order. Knife by Barrett-Smythe,
Lid., 212-249-5500. Barret-Smythe, Lu
NY.C.
Sunglasses by Porsche Design, 714-
Motorcycle by Honda. Available at
authorized Honda dealers near you.
Pages 98-99; J's Professional Driver from
Bridgestone Sports, 800-358-6319. Call for
dealer locations near you. LaserDisc player by
Pioneer Electronics, 800-421-1404. Call for the
Elite dealer near you. Telescope by Mende
Instruments, 714-556-2291. Shutan Camera &
Video, Chicago; National Camera Exchange,
Inc, Golden Valley, Minn.; Oceanside Photo
& Telescope, Oceanside, Cal.
Powder Play
Page 162: Pullover, turtleneck, pants and
headband by Obermeyer, 800-222-3031.
Gloves by Descente, 800-999-0475. Ski Cha-
let, Arlington, Va; Cole Sport, Park City,
Utah. Boot gaiters by S.C.1., 800-666-6
Breeze Ski & Sport, Tahoe City, Cal, Sun-
glasses by Oakley, 714-951-0991. Poles by
Scott. Skis by Volant, 303-443-3378. Bi
by Troha. Bootsby Raichle. Equipment avai
able at leading ski shops nationwide.
Page 163: Jacket and pants by Bogner, 212-
752-2282. Bogner, NX.C., Boston, Chicago
and San Francisco. Turtleneck by Sy, 800-
225-1906. Ski Market, Boston;
Shop, Chicago; Breckenridge Nordic,
Breckenridge, Co. Ski cap by Descente, 800-
999-0475. Ski Chalet, Arlington, Va.: Cole
Sport, Park City, Utah. Sunglasses by Севе.
208-263-7113. Scandinavian Ski & Sport
Shop, NY.C. Goggles by Bolle. Ski Market,
New England and New York; Gart Bros.
Sports Castle, Denver; Big 5 Stores, West
Coast. Gloves by Gordini, 802-655-1189.
Available at fine specialty ski shops. Skis and
bindings by Tyrolia. Ski boots by Rossignol.
Poles by Scott. Her suit and gloves by Ober-
meyer, 800-222-3031. Her turtleneck by Skyr-
Her goggles by Carrera, 800-631-1580. Her
headband by Smiley Hat Co. 702-358-6235.
Her poles by Scoti. Her boots by Técnica,
800-258-3897. Equipment available at
Snowboard and bindings by
206-463-3631. Boots by Raichle. Equip-
lable at leading specialty ski shops
654-6185 by K2, "200. 403- 3631; by Pre
801-225-1100, by Dynamic, 603-298-
6845; by Fischer, fax 800-343-6550; by Dynas-
tar, 802-655-2400; by Olin, 800-955-SKIS;
by Head, 800-874-HEAD, x745; by Ela
by Atomic. All skis available at factory-
authorized ski shops nationwide.
Page 166: Ski suit and gloves by Descente,
800-999-0473. i Chalet, Arlington,
Cole Sport, Park City, Uta
951-0991. Ski boots by Nordica. Poles by Scott.
Her suit, mittens and neck gaiter by Ober-
meyer, 800-222-3031. Her goggles by Revo,
800-843 in California, 800-367-7386.
Her boots by Nordica. Her poles by Scott.
Equipment ах: y ski shops
nationwide.
Page 167: Jacket
333-0302. Scandinavian Ski & Sport Shop,
NXC.; Christy Sports, Vail, Co.; (Pants only)
Sport Chalet, La Canada, Cal. Turtleneck by
Bogner, 212-752-2282. Bogner, NY.C., Bos-
ton, Chicago and San Francisco. SI
by Salomon, 508-352-7600. Goggles by Smith
Sport Optics, 208-726-4477, Scandinavian Ski
& Sport Shop, NY.C.; Sports Stalker, at
major resorts in Colorado and Utah; Breeze
Ski & Sport, Tahoe City, Cal. Poles by Scott.
Boots by Raichle Her jacket and pants by
Bogner. Her turtleneck by Sky». Her gloves
by Obermeyer, 800-292-3051. Her sunglasses
by Uvex, 401 y Scott.
Her boots by Lange, Equipment ay
specialty ski shops nationwide.
On the Scene
Page 245: Christmas pipe by Asc
9440. Nightcap pipe from Dunhill, 213-
274-5351. Dunhill, N.Y.G., Chicago,
Beverly Hills, All other pipes and accesso-
ries from Davidoff s International, 800-548-
4623. Davidoff's of Geneva, New York and
Beverly Hills (opening soon); Iwan Ries,
cago; Up Down Tobacco Shop,
hicago.
c
sleep when they can. All she said was
ihat 1 have to be considerate of my
neighbors, to play my radio low even
during the day.
ly was.
he felt a thousand miles from a
iano, big stately furniture, Ori-
civilization
The room was beautiful, it re:
Sull,
°
It was like being married. It was and it
wasn't. They studied there, necked
there, did all their heavy petting there.
Because despite the sofa (to say nothing
of the double bed), they still played for
the same relatively low table stakes that
they had played for in the study rooms
and in the big, crowded, lı jous cen-
tral passion pit at the sorority house on
those Friday
secr:
told e: was a game, or a sort
of game, but something loftier, higher,
more important. Maybe they weren't yet
ng to become the re-
ad Venus of fore-
ation savants. Maybe
foreplay was their e
consummated courtship. Because these
were the days of magnificent Foreplay, the
student prince, his educatie
sort. He could remember p:
balls like kidney stones. Other
Rose Helen, who often se
before it r
“times,
ed his pain
She brought hi
off. But alw
off, he brought her
in the dark because
few, 100; Rose
to sit
for the last light to quit the two big win-
dows with their southern exposure—
and always between the
prophylactic cloth of each oth
ing—beneath coats, towels, laundry,
bbed out of the closet, on the
ade double bed.
.
They grew closer Not just he
Rose Helen but he and Rose Helen
Edward, as Who br
bread with il
things gr
alway
and
well
their d ecu suppers,
and whom, and not as founder of the
feast, they regarded as their invited
guest, despite the fact that he was the
one who always served them whatever
happened to be reheating itself inside
whichever pot or pan he had placed
there for them on the hot plate. Not just
med-over supper together
¢ shared sense, too, of roughing
remark after Edw: ‘ed away
their dishes, “how's your life?” This was
the signal for him to start his strange
y, as if it were nol enough
that he had just brought them their sup-
per and prepared and even served it but
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SR о
must now sing lor it, too. (And now it
was exaclly as Il (hey were outdoors. m
dark woods, say, beneath the stars like
tramps im hobo camps alongside rail-
road tracks, Edward's voice Ballina. his
gossip like some post-prandial accompa-
10 their digestion.)
rt know how any of them ex-
pects 10 make it in the real world,” he
might begin, “Do you know what Anita
Carlin had the nerve to ask me to do for
her tonight? Her soup was too hot. In-
stead of waiting for it to cool, she told
me to take it back to the kitchen and
bring it to her again when it was sale
enough for her to eat without scalding
herself. [ust who does she think she is,
Goldilocks? When I asked how I was
supposed to know when it was the right
temperature, you. know what she said?
‘Edward, do I have to do your thinking
for you? Just pour oll a little in a cup
and sip it” Now, how will someone with
attitude like that ever raise children?
Or Jean Allmann whi. she com-
plained that the milk was sour. H came
from the same pitcher everyone else's
came from it her table. No on
thought it was sour. but she made me
back and open up a bottle just for her
use. “Where's the catsup, where's. the
he grumbled. "Is there ercam on
the table? When it’s right there in front
ol them. “Edward, my napkins disap-
peared. Would you be a darling and get
me another one? "Edward, there are too
many bones in my fish, See
find a piece thar doesn't have so n
1 me ye Chi
Phi expects there's always going to be
und to wan on her hand
up her meat for her, blow
on her soup. recommend her dessert
Which is better. tonight, Edward, the
German black forest or
me ‘Then li;
il we were waiters in some
Star restaurant instead of just students
trying to ger an education like anyone
else. How will they? E mean. really. how
will they? Make it in lile; in the world?
"Oh. he said. "and Rachel?”
She never studies.” Rose Hel
“The one who may funk out”
said.
Well траг the thing.” the waiter
said. “But yon know, the last few weeks,
she’s been eating like a horse, She asks
for second helpings. Seconds on soup.
the main course, seconds on salad.”
Rachel doesnt even like salad.”
Helen said.
She never particularly liked soup.
She never particularly liked. anything.
Now she cats—pardon my French—like
she's got wo behinds.”
else
1 can
ay
it, the aver
bones
someone
d foot, cu
the chocol
isse » her cigarette as
теу four-
se
s she liz"
She's pregnant.
She isn’t” Rose Helen said
She is.” the waiter said. "she's preg-
nant, all right. She's had the tests.”
АШ Drul could. think was, Wher
How? She was an underclassman her
sell. On weekend nights. she hadit any
more access to those study rooms than
they had—he, Rose Helen. She
pregnant? She'd done it? She wasn't a
virgin? And if she weren't a virgin, he
wondered, then whe was the guy? Not
the mouse. the little Gamma Beta Si
shrimp she dated, it couldnt be him,
And if it were him, then how many times
did the runt get to poke her belore he
knocked her np? And who. finally, were
Miss and Mr. Foreplay on this campus.
anyway, and what was the point of hav-
ing a girlliend with her own private
room in her own unauthorized, nonuni-
versity housing with a landlady who ap-
parently not only lived and ler live but
was this high-rolling high liver hersell, if
all he ever got to show for it was—pin-
don my French—the goddamn blue
balls he went around with all bent over
so he was never any higher than the lit-
de runt Gamma. Beta Sigma son of a
bitch himself:
was
.
The curfew, because of what the wait-
er had told them, had suddenly h
a question between them
though it was true. it no long
to him that she was the mo
He had begun to discount her seniority
the damaged her recov-
етей cripple’s way ol walking. her
and resentmen and pride,
goods. [ac
defiance
even the outlaw housing, where. ta the
dark, in the nest there on the double
bed. be
hall the queer hodgepodge
nid laundry. all
motley « m
might
use painter's
ol their coats and towels
the odd. invisible wh
жаган and тели
just as well have been a la
dropcloth even n
than he was. He had even begun to dis-
count the fact that he loved her. Because
лихе not only
furious
poor, pr
and style
she wa pre inv
tive
he was jealous now
was he jealous now, he w
Furious Gand not just о
nant Rachels behalf. eher). and
just al the mouse. the little runt shrimp
Gamma Bera Sigma son ol a bitch, but at
all single men and women everywhere,
particularly at every unmarried under
aduate or graduate student, coed or
otherwise, who was getting it, regularly
or otherwise. anywhere in the jivi
shucking, civilized world.
And not only Furious. either. Regreilul
as well. For all his bent-over trials by
erection, his exeruciting stalled blood
and siopped-up sperm
They quarreled. Or Drull did. Rose
Helen just said no, He quarreled. Or ca-
joled and wheedled, rather: Bawned and
llanered. sofi-soaped and begged
He argued.
"There аге less attractive guys than
me, The Gamma Beta.
She didit want to know
And now they really q
went at it,
We never do this, he told her. we nev-
not
really
arreles
er do that, naming acts for her, citing
specifically denied sexual frictions, in-
g the five-or-so months they had
n each other now, almost, as
Lawyers do, fixing dollar amounts to his
pain and suflering (so much for each
blue ball, so much for going around all
bent over) and assessing his mental an-
guish (so much for f эп, so much
for the personal humiliation he felt
when he'd learned that even a little
runty Gamma Beta Sigma mouse had
knocked someone up).
“Don't I let you touch me down
there?" Rose Helen said. She might have
been close to tears. It sounded that way,
but he couldn't tell. They were on Rose
Helen's made bed. It was too dark to
see. “Don't I?" she repeated. “Let you
touch me down there?
Sure, through layers of underwear."
Haven't you kissed my nipples?"
"Oh, come on, Rose Helen, you prac-
tically make me brush my teeth first," h
said irritably. “And when did you let me
even touch them with your brassiere of
“Don't you get to hold my behind?’
"With. gloves on, mittens, through
goddamn snowsuits.”
"Don't you go under my dres:
"I have to get past all the dry cleaning
first, all the clothes and shower curtains
on the damn bed, I have to prick my
fingers on the pins in your Ship `n Shore
blouses. It's a regular obstacle course!
“All right,” she said, “haven't I ki
you down ther
“Through my trousers!” Druff yelled.
“Don't raise your voice to me!” she said,
raising her voice to him. “Aud if this bed's
such an obstacle course, why don't 1 just get
out of it and remove one of the obstacles?”
She got out of bed, smoothed down
г clothing, turned on the light
"Fine," Druff shouted in the now
bright room, “and why don't f just re-
move the rest of them!" He ripped the
bedspread off the bed, scattering it
across the floor along with all his and
Rose Helen's intervening protections,
the various towels, washcloths, throw
ags and cloth
Pick all that up!" Rose Helen
"I won't do it,” Druff said
That was when Edward came up with
their dinni
y" the waiter said, “w
on here? It looks like a cyclone hit the
What happene
“A cyclone hit the place,” Druf said.
Ч d said, “let me help you
uff up," and started to
h
id.
get some of this
bend down.
“Leave il alone!" Rose Helen shouted.
“Don't touch a thing!"
Which was when Mrs. Green, startling
them all, came into the room.
What's this shouung?” she demand-
ed. “Didn't I tell you about the railroad
workers,” she said, “the irregular hou
they keep? How are they supposed to
get the rest they need if you people are
so inconsiderate?”
She looked from one to the other, tak-
ing in the mess on the floor, taking in
Rose Helen's Butler's Principles of Basic
Education, Foerster's American Poetry and
Prose, Druff’s Civics, taking in the big
cellophane-wrapped dinner plate with
Rose Helen's supper on it.
“You kids aren't students, are you?
That one, he isn't a waiter sneaking food
i sorority he just stole it
from where he sets table and serves the
sisters their lunches and dinners, is he?
Because I run a respectable house with
beauticians, cashiers,
Air Force wives and food handlers. This
n't any authorized university housing I
do here to baby-sit a bunch of all-grown-
up kids on the excuse that they're here
for an education, while the wuth is that
the male grown-up kid is mostly just in-
terested in finding some agrecable fe-
male grown-up kid who's willing to take
his pecker and hold it inside her for a
while,
“I don't steal it," Edward said.
"What's that?" Mrs. Green said
“The food," he said. “1 don't steal it.
“Well, all right," Mrs. Green said, “so
you don't steal it, That's still no call to go
shouting at each other at all hours of the
day and night and make the kind of
mess I sec here on the A"
“They give it to me themselves. Im no
thiet. I don't steal it. They make up the
plates themselves. For her Rose Hcl
they tell m "re friends
m, you know where she’s living,
why don't you go on and take these
scraps to her? We won't miss them, we'd
only have to throw them out. Why
should they go to waste? This way, we'll
know that at least she's eating well. She
was one of us, after all. We took her in
once and made her feel welcome. What
difference does it make that just because
she thinks she had a falling out with us
that she should go hungry? She's had a
hard enough life as it is.' So I didn't steal
it. The Chi Phi Kappas give it to me for
her themselve:
"The hypocrites," Rose Helen shouted,
"the hypocrites!" She started to cry.
Druff wouldn't leave, Rose Helen said
no, he had to. She said that once he'd
picked everything up he'd tossed on the
floor, he could stay but that she expected
him to observe the usual curfew.
That night she tried to kill herself
Mrs. Green and one of the railroad
workers saved her life. They called the
authori d, afterward, Mrs. Green
had the decency to call Drulf at Mrs.
Reese's to tell him what had happened.
She was still being held for observa-
tion when he proposed. Both of them
understood that his proposal of mar-
riage and her acceptance had nothing at
all to do with forgiveness, or mercy, or
either of their sorrows.
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SIX PIPES A-SMOKING — —
ing Crosby had it all together in the movie Holiday Inn.
There he was with luscious Marjorie Reynolds, a roar-
ing fireplace and his trademark pipe. What better way
to enjoy Christmas than with a blonde, a blazing hearth
anda briar? No wonder more pipes are sold during the month
of December than at any other time of the year. Forget the
snowstorm outside; the warmth of a pipe helps keep spirits
bright. And as Hef discovered, a pipe definitely adds to your
image. For relaxing after all the gifts have been opened or for
a late-night smoke with that special someone while waiting
for the jolly old fat man to appear, here are six great pipes—
and some nifty accessories—perfect for yuletide puffing.
Below: Antique brass pipe rack, from Kentshire Galleries, New York, $900. Pipes on the rack, left to right: Walnut-finished Charatan Peri
$270. Ferndown Canadian with a silver band, $215. Comoy Bulldog with a silver band, $125. Аѕсогі
500, $125. In front of the rack, left to right: Titanium-and-gold pipe companion, from Davidoff, New York, $80. Nightcap pipe, from Dunhill,
Beverly Hills, $1050. Nording straight-grain Aristocrat, $165. Napa-leather tobacco pouch spring-seal closure, $190, leather matchbox
sleeve and smoker's matches, $90, and Oriental tobacco, $9, all from Davidoff. (For information on Where & How to Buy, see page 240.)
GRAPEVINE
No Lure in Fur
Singers BJORK of the Sugarcubes (left) and
NATALIE MERCHANT of 10,000 Maniacs aren't
usually so closemouthed about their opposition
to wearing fur. At Rock Against Fur, they mimed
the antifur poster for the camera.
1990 EBET ROBERTS
IGGY POP”s pants maybe fall-
ing, but his careeris looking
up. An acting debut
Baby, a new LP,
Brick, and college lec-
ture dates all add up
toa postpunk life.
But not a
dull one.
Ambition
Actress BECKY MUL
LEN can be seen in a
variety of places, from
cable's Gorgeous La-
dies of Wrestling to
music videos to com-
merdals to TV's We
Got It Made. Becky's
up for a spot on Star
Search, but our search
already is over!
ROBERT MATHEU
Fringe Benefit
DEBBIE HARRY has been on the Ë
road for months, first with Tears for
Fears, more recently with the Tom
Tom Club and the Ramones. She Û f
sang her Blondie chestnuts, re- £
galed the crowd with cheese-
cake and had a few laughs.
+ 1990 ANDY PEARLMAN
Motorcycle
Momma
Long, tall SALLIEMCLAUGH-
LIN is, as the song says, built sweet. A
former Page 3 Girl in London, Sallie graced the movie
The Princess Bride and raised the hormone level in а Guns n*
Roses video. Our hormone level shot up after Sallie started basic
bike maintenance.
No Burn Marks
BILLY JOEL may be looking skeptical, but his wife, CHRISTIE
BRINKLEY, knows better. By midyear, Billy's concert tour was break-
ing North American box-office records and his album Storm Front
had gone triple platinum. Christie's chart-topping herself. Looks like
he did start the fire.
Rule, Brittania
The citizens of Alberta weren't whistling O Canada when
they voted BRITTANIA 1990’s Best Chest. We second that
emotion. For more, look for a poster and see her in the
movie The Hitcher. We wouldn't tell her to take a hike.
WERNER W. POLLEINER
248
GOLDILOCKS AND THE SYNTHETIC BEARSKIN
There's nothing like a bearskin rug to bring out the animal in a guy And
now you dont have to go hunting to adorn the hearth with a fuzzy trophy
agAI's Inc., at 4821 Burris Drive, Louisville. Kentucky 40291, manufac
tures synthetic grizzly and polar bears that are about as close as you can get
to the real McCoy. Two sizes are available: a six-foot rug for $399 and an
eight-foot model for $449. Wag АТУ offers more than 100 border colors to
choose from. Delivery time is about six to eight weeks. That should give
you enough time to clean out the library and order more firewood.
THE SAN FRANCISCO WHISKY TRAIL
San Francisco is the third-largest Scotch market in the United States, its
consumption being nearly 9,000,000 bottles a year, To make it even easier
to find your favorite blend or single malt. The Scotch Whisky Information
Center, 1675 Broadway, New York 10019, is offering an oversized San Fran-
cisco Scotch Whisky Trail map that includes a guide to the city’s 100 best
bars and restaurants for sipping the nectar of the clans, (Of course, Edin-
burgh Castle restaurant is on the map.) There's plenty of lore on San Fra
cisco’s Scottish sites and history 100 (the San Andr Fault was discovered
by a Scot). The cost of the map is only two dollars—half of which will go
toward the preservation of Muir Woods, the redwood forest that is a
national monument just north of San Francisco, We'll drink to that
POTPOURRI
PUT ON A HAPPY MOUTH
If your morning-after mouth sends your
significant other running for cover, maybe
it’s time you tried IntiMint, new sugar
free mints that adhere to your gums and
freshen your breath for about two hours.
A boule of 200 IntiMints costs $34.95
provides some 400 hours of refreshing
protection— provided. of course, you
not one of those nervous gnawers. To
order, phone 800-695-MINT. But no
heavy breathing, ple
GO SOUTHWEST, YOUNG MAN
Hankering to tour the Arizona desert
near Scousdale with such legendary local
guides as Maddog and Sex Machine?
Then give Cowboy Desert Tours. at
a call. They offer a four-
hour scenic tour in an open or enclosed
jeep for $55 per person. including six-gun
shooting, a great nature walk and sodas
And if there are ten or more in your par
ty, they throw in a water-balloon ambush
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Ñ
HARLEY HOLIDAY
If you're as tired as Santa is of
bauling old man winters icy
breath, check out Harley-
Davidsons newest line of wind-
cutting outerwear. No, it
doesnt just include variations
of the classic Hells-Angels:
bent-for-leather jacket
Leather, ves; but the designs
are contemporary and func-
tional, with deep pockets and
reinforced nylon thread. One
style we particularly like is the
black Harley trench coat for
about $500, featuring a short
stand-up collar and a full lin-
ing. The line also includes
hats, boots and medium and
short jackets. All are available
at Harley-Davidson stores.
MORE GHOSTS OF
CHRISTMAS PAST
That “squeezing, grasping,
covetous old sinner” Ebenezer
Scrooge is back in a new hard-
cover edition of A Christmas
Carol, published by Stewart,
labori & Chang. The text, of
course, is the same classic holi-
day tale that Charles Dickens
wrote 147 years But the il-
is are by Roberto
Innocenti. a self-taught
illustrator from Florence, Healy,
who does
wonderful job of
capturing the haunting details
of the world’s most famous
ghost story in 24 full-color
justrations. The price: just
Even poor old Bob Cratchit
could afford that.
OH, YOU
BEAUTIFUL DOLL
his is a collector's item, not
a toy for children,” reads the
box in which Mdvanii (pro-
nounced med-vah-nee) is pack
ed. Mdvanii is the love child
of BillyBoy. the owner of Sur
real Productions in Paris. She's
a Mall doll that collectors
the world over are clamoring
to own. Why? Under her de-
signer dresses. Mdvanii is
anatomically correct. and her
make-up is by artist Mel Odom
a Playboy regular. Mdvamii
costs $195 sent to Collector's
United. PO. Box 1160.
Chatsworth, Georgia 30705
PIN ONE ON
The late, great Patrick Nagel has left a legacy ol
terrific art. And now his widow, Jenmler Dumas,
is making one of his images available as a 94
limited-edition brooch, handmade in cloisonné
(shown here). One thousand editions are being
sold by Acme Studios, at 800-447-ACME, for
$95.35 apiece, postpaid, Each. packaged in a vel-
vet pouch, comes with a numbered certificate:
^
- y
ONE FOR THE MONEY
lay time of the year. before vou dole
At this hol
out your hard-earned shekels 10 the nest extend.
ed palm, take a look at The Givers Guide. by
Philip English Mackey Irs a resource book on the
s that will help you evaluate ory
world of char
izations (including information on top executives
stand the ways to give and the
ving. No. The €
price of 814.05 isn't tax deductible:
«Пее of vour vy Guides
Wy
249
NEXT MONTH
ШЕР. =
DESIGNATED DRINKS PLAYMATE REVIEW
“SPIES IN THE HOUSE OF LOVE"—HANG OUT AT “APERTO E CHIUSO"—ALLENSON'S MUCH YOUNGER
TODAY'S MEET MART AND YOU'RE MORE LIKELY TO THIRD WIFE HAS JITTERS ABOUT HIS DRIVING—AND
SNARE A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR THAN A DATE A RE- HIS FIDELITY. A STORY BY JOHN UPDIKE
PORT FROM THE FRONT BY PAMELA MARIN
"THE PROMISE"—POLICE TRAINEE EILEEN. BURKE
SHE'S THE HOTTEST FEMALE DIRECTOR IN HOLLY- POSES AS A HOOKER FOR A LUNATIC HOLDING HIS
WOOD. PENNY MARSHALL IS ALSO BASHFUL, QUIRKY, GRANDDAUGHTER HOSTAGE—FICTION BY ED MCBAIN
DRIVEN, HILARIOUS AND THE SUBJECT OF AN IM-
PROBABLE PLAYBOY PROFILE—BY JOE MORGENSTERN “PLAYBOY'S ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF JAZZ AND
ROCK"—PART TWO: MUSIC WITH ATTITUDE—WILD
TIMES AS JAZZ SWEEPS NEW ORLEANS AND GETS THE
“DRINKS FOR DESIGNATED DRIVERS"—BOOZE-FREE REST OF THE COUNTRY SWINGING
OPTIONS FOR HIGH-SPIRITED HOLIDAY REVELERS—
BY RICHARD LALICH PLUS: SIZZLING LENA (ENEMIES, A LOVE STORY) OLIN
ANSWERS *20 QUESTIONS"; HELMUT NEWTON VEN-
"THE MALE WARRIOR"—GET SET FOR THE NEXT REV- TURES INTO VOYEURISM; GARY COLE PICKS THE WIN-
OLUTION. IT'S ALL ABOUT HANGING TOUGH AND TAK- NERS IN OUR ANNUAL COLLEGE BASKETBALL
ING HEART. AN IMPORTANT VIEW OF MEN IN THE PREVIEW; "PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW" AND A
NINETIES—BY ASA BABER NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY TO END ALL PARTIES
COMING IN THE MONTHS AHEAD: AN INSIDE LOOK AT SADDAM HUSSEIN AND THE CRISIS WITH IRAQ; THE SE-
CRET TO BETTING POINT SPREADS, ROBERT DOWNEY, JR., VENTS HIS SPLEEN; MADONNA VENTS EVERYTHING
ELSE, REAL ESTATE FOR THE APOCALYPSE; THE MURDERS THAT SHOCKED HOLLYWOOD; REEL RIBALDRY FROM
SISKEL AND EBERT; AN INTERVIEW WITH GEORGE STEINBRENNER; PLUS MUCH, MUCH MORE
JAB Berded Scotch Vray, 43% Ak by V. ined by The Poddegon Сорос, H lee. NJ O 198.
ingle ells,
ingle ells.
The holidays aren't the same without
J&B Scotch Whisky. Blended and bottled in Scotland by Justerini & Brooks, fine wine and spirit merchants since 1749,
To send a gift of J&B anywhere in the U.S., call 1-800-528-6148. Void where prohibited.
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