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JANUARY 1991 + $4.95

MRS. OHIO
1990

MISS
JANUARY

. 1991

NEW FICTION BY
JOHN UPDIKE
ED MCBAIN

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iBorttord, C1 Modein usa

^" Welcome to blast-off for 1991. At
ictually believe we can end

“TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX.
this time of year, we leel upbeat. We
pollution, feed the children, lower the prime rate, raise hemlines
and even send Senator Jesse Helms to art school! OK, so we felt
that way last year at this time, too. Was our optimism misplaced?
Nelson Mandela got out of jail, democracy took hold all over east-
ern Europe and Hef and Kimberley had a baby! It’s time to give
cynicism a rest. Change is possible, and in this issue, we present
living proof. First, consider our interview subjec .
Twelve years ago, lacocca was forced out of his Ford Motor Com-
pany presidency and took the helm of a very wobbly competitor.
Now, of course, he’s a legend —the man who saved Cl
interviewer is Peter Ross Ronge, who also interrogated Ted Tumer
and lacocca foe Akio Morita.

Another make-over of sorts is that of Penny Marshall, who has
emerged from her past as the lovable dumbhead Li
verne ES Shirley to become Hollywood's most success
director. In Penny from Heaven, Contributing Editor Joe Morgen-
stern reveals just how this eccentric, moody homebody landed a
hot new role.

Of course, not all change is positive, as is illustrated by Tony
Horwitz’ Mein Kuwait, adapted from the book Baghdad Without a
Map. to be published by Dutton. an imprint of New American Li-
brary. Horwitz, who covers the Mideast for The Wall Street Jour-
nal, has for years kept a wary eye on Saddam Hussein and his
megalomania. His perspective will give you a cl

Back on the home front, the best way we know to keep our spir-
its up is to throw a holiday party. And in New Wars Eve Party,
expert party giver—hey, it’s an age of specialization—Keren Mac-
Neil tells you everything you need to know for the bash of a
During her research for this a :, MacNeil's boyfriend.
presented her with a silver caviar le was tired of watching
me spoon it out of the un,” she explains. Tough gig, MacNeil.
And as tough gigs go, how would you like to be a detective who
specializes in spying on lovers? In Love Dicks, Pamela Marin re-
ports on the booming industry of surveillance for the nervous
and lovelorn. For a firsthand look at the tricks and strategies of
the trade, Worren Kalbacker talked with investigator Joe Mullen,
who has plenty to say in Detective D'Amour.

This month, we continue Playboy History of Jazz and Rock with
Part Two: Hot from Storyville, by Contributing Editor Devid
Standish (with an able research assist by John Sinclair). We trace
jazz's journeys from its infancy in New Orleans. Gary Kelley and
Kinuko Y. Craft provided the artwork. January fiction is tops, with
Aperto e Chiuso, by nat l treasure John Updike, illustrated by a
Frank Gallo sculpture; Margaret (The Handmaids Tale) Atwood’s
The Bog Man (illustrated by Ken Warneke); and Ed McBein's The
Promise (excerpted from Widows, due in February from William
Morrow). Accompanying McBain' story is the first illustration by
recent Russian emigré Boris Zherdin to appear in the U.S.

And, of course, there's more. Fashion goes sporty with Great
Gretzky, featuring—you guessed it—hockey great Wayne as pho-
tographed by Mario Casilli. In Kliban, Don Novello, a.k.a. Father
Guido Sarducci, pays tribute to an old friend, the late Playboy car-
whom Cartoon Editor Michelle Urry long ago persuaded to
a book of cat drawings. The rest is history. Heres Looking
at You is photographer Helmut Newton's textbook on voyeurism.
Photography Director and expert sports forecaster Gary Cole pre-
sents Playboys College Basketball Preview. And don't miss Playboys
Playmate Review, in which you get to pick your favorite Miss and.
maybe win a prize. Now turn to Contributing Photographer Arny
Freytag's shots of 1991's lead-off woman, Mrs. Ohio and our Janu-
ary Playmate, Stacy Arthur. Stacy's about to take off for a beauty
contest—in Moscow! How's that for a changing world?

PLAYBILL

Bi 4
MARIN KALBACKER

UPDIKE

MCBAIN

-—
NEWTON

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), January 1991. volume 38, number 1. Published monthly by PI

680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chi Illinois 60611

cond-class postage paid at Chicago, Illinois, and at addi

yboy in national and regi

Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007.

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PLAYBOY

vol. 38, no. 1 —jamuary 1991 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
DEAR a oo n

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS A «caute reir ERR sensed VT Center n US 15

MEN a sata rico ASA BADER: 194)

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ...... sss un 39 P

"THE PUAYBOUFORÜM sis or rere ee oreee Rente den ONU SA di 1
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: LEE IACOCCA—candid conversation... 58 Sek ps Ex

APERTO E CHIUSO—fiction JOHN UPDIKE 82
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU-;
MEIN KUWAIT—article

GREAT GRETZKY—fashion . .

TONY HORWITZ 94
HOLLIS WAYNE 98
. . PAMELA MARIN 102

LOVE DICKS—orticle . .

Mtolion Adventure P 82

Glamourous Gretzky

DETECTIVE D'AMOUR E THREE WARREN KALBACKER 104
THE BOG MAN-—fiction.............. sees MARGARET ATWOOD 106
PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF JAZZ AND ROCK

PART TWO: HOT JAZZ FROM STORYVILLE—article .......... DAVID STANDISH 110
BUCKEYE BEAUTY—playboy's playmate of the month... 118
PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES—humor EAT das SORTE)
THE PROMISE-fiction ........ art eese ED MCBAIN 132
PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW—sports ........... GARY COLE. 135
CALL OF THE OPEN ROAD—article................ coco... KEN GROSS 140
PENNY FROM HEAVEN playboy profile ..........-...... JOE MORGENSTERN 144
PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW pictoricl. ces 146
KLIBAN ATTI eese ss text by DON NOVELLO 158
NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY—modern living. ..... eee: KAREN MACNEIL 163
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ........ POI EN ade ox ec Ia A gren 225
COVER STORY

What better way to ring in 1991 than with January Playmate Stocy Arthur?
We'll be cheering far this years sexiest is when she represents Ohio in the
upcoming Mrs. America pageant in Moscow. Our holiday caver was produced
by West Coost Phota Editor Marilyn Grabowski, styled by Lane Coyle-Dunn
and shot by Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. Thanks to Tracy
Cianflone for Stacys hair and make-up. The Robbit shoots from the hip.

atram orrera: runsor. seo moms tant sone Dawe, CHICAGO, e PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO ESF TO E UNSOUC ITED ENTERAL OR GRAFH MNA. AL GATS LETTERS AMO

LLAVERO 2

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor in chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director

EDITORIAL
ARTICLES: jou REZEK editor; PETER MOORE
senior editor; FICTION: ALICE K. TURNER. editor;
MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS senior edi
lor; ED WALKER associate editor; BETH TOMKUN as-
sistant editor; FORUM: TERESA GKOSCH. asociate
editor; WEST COAST: STEMMEN RANDALL. editor;
STAFF: GREUCHEN FDGREN. senior editor; JAMES R
PETERSEN senior staff writer; BRUCE KLUGER. BAR.
BARA NELLIS. KATE NOLAN assoctale edtlors; JOHN
Lusk traffic coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE
editor; WENDY GRAY assistant editor; CARTOO!
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOLRAS
editor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant editor; MARY ZION
Senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE
JACKIE CAREY. RARI NASH. REMA SMITH researchers;
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: AsA BABER. DENIS
BOYLES, KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES.
LAWRENCE GROBEL, CYNTHIA HEIMEL WILLIAM
I HELMER. WALTER LOWE, JR. D KEITH MANO.
JOE MORGENSTERN, REG FOTTERTON, DAVID KEN
SIN, RICHARD RHODES. DAVID SHEFE DAVID STANDISH.
MORGAN STRONG BRUCE WILLIAMSON mans,
SUSAN MARGOLIS: WINTER

ART
KERIG POPE managing director: CHET SUSKI- LEN
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, ERIC SHROP-
SHIRE associate directors; KRISTIN RORJENER, JOSEPH.
paczek assistant directors; KELLY O'BRIEN Junior di-
vector; ANN stimi. senior heyline and paste-up
artist; BULA. BENWAY. PAUL CHAN art assistants

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coust editor; JEFF COMEN
managing editor; LINDA KENNEN. JAMES LARSON,
MICHAEL AWN SULLIVAN associate editors; varıy
BEAUDET assistant editor/enterlainment; voNrEO
posar senor staff photographer; STEVE CONWAY
assistant photographer; DAVID CHAN. RICHARD FEC-
LEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUL, BYRON Ni
Sternen waypa contributing photographers;
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color lab
supervisor

MICHAEL PERLIS publisher
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
RITA JOHNSON assistant manager; JODY JURGETO,
RICHARD QUARTAROLI, CARRIE HOCKNEY a@sststanls

CIRCULATION
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation direc-
tor; ROBERT ODONNELL retail marketing and sales
director

ADVERTISING
JEFFREY D. MORGAN associate ad director; SALIS
DIRECTORS: ROBERT MCLEAN west coast, STEVE
MEISNER madwest, PAUL TURCOTTE new york

READER SERVICE,

CYNTHIA LACEYSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM.
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE

EILEEN KENT editorial services manager; MARCIA
TERRONES rights ES permissions administrator

PLAYBOY ENTER PRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer

FIT FOR A KI

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The Franklin Mint
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OF TUTANKHAMUN

SHINTARO ISHIHARA

David Shefj’s Playboy Interview with
cantroversial Japanese politician and author
Shintaro Ishihara in the October issue pro-
voked an unprecedented outpouring of letters
to Dear Playboy. We are, unfortunately,
able to publish only a small, but, we hope, rep-
resentative, fraction of them here.

I found David Sheff's October Playboy
Interview with Shintaro Ishihara very il-
luminating and am pleased to learn that
there is at least one Japanese opinion
maker who will acknowledge faults with-
in his society. Still, I'm disappointed that
he alleges that racial views alone led the
U.S. to use atomic weapons on Japan. A
variety of sources indicate that U.S. lead-
ers believed that Japan's use of kamikaze
attacks and its refusal to surrender indi-
cated that the use of atomic bombs was
necessary to end the war.

Germany prosecutes its war criminals
and pays compensation to concentra-
tion-camp survivors. In Japan, Ishihara
is an apologist for a country that still has
not admitted its war crimes.

Japan is the only nation known to
have conducted biological and chemical
warfare experiments on prisoners of
war and other unwilling human “guinea
" The book Unit 731, by Peter
ms and David Wallace, and a
British television documentary (Unit
731—Did the Emperor Know?) show that
the Japanese built a network of secret
bases in Manchuria. A massive complex
was begun at Pingfan in 1938. Prisoners
at those facilities were deliberately in-
fected with cholera, anthrax, plague,
dysentery and other diseases. Thou-
sands died in those experiments and in
attacks on defenseless Chinese villages.

"The "rescarchers" who did this were
never prosecuted by the U.S. Occupa-
tion government nor by the Japanese.
The scientists who performed the exper-
iments moved back to honored positions
within Japan's universities. With few ex-
ceptions, the Japanese government and
press have continued to hide their coun-

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

ue Roc FON CHANGE OF ABRES. Be
Sete Fo PUNDON PO EOK 200) MAN, IOWA B1817.2007 AOVERTIBNG, NEW

try's biological war crimes.

Ishihara says, "Although a part of the
Japanese superiority complex has re-
mained, most of it has disappeared." I
say admit your sins before reminding us
of ours.

Shaun M. Maxey
Moscow, Idaho

Shintaro Ishihara is not the only
Japanese leader trying to bury history.
Japan's ministry of education is also to
blame. A typical Japanese history text-
book summarizes World War Two as
three events: the atom-bombing of Hi-
roshima and Nagasaki and the fire-
bombing of Tokyo. If the Japanese are
willing to bury the crimes of their histo-
ry, what will prevent their repeating
them?

Anthony Yang
Brooklyn, New York

Ishihara's credibility on other issues
suffers when he goes far beyond the
Japanese conservative right in denying
Japan's Rape of Nanking in 1937. The
monthlong massacre, in which more
than 300,000 Chinese were slaughtered
and/or raped, made headlines in major
Western newspapers and was fully ac-
cepted as a war crime in the Allies"
Tokyo trial. There are at least 1000 live
witnesses to the Nanking slaughter,
which is recognized by most scholars as a
genuine historical event.

Tzuping Shao
Bronxville, New York

Kudos to Contributing Editor David
Sheff for his interview with Japan's num-
ber-one America basher.

Rather than quibble with Ishihara
over who's more racist or unreasonable,
I would prefer to hold him (and Japan)
to his own advice. He charges Japan to
stand on its own two feet, to act like a
leader, to act as a co-equal with America.
Ishihara's advice, if taken, would revolu-
tionize Japan. For once, the Japanese

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PLAYBOY

would have to take responsibility fo
their own actions instead of offering ex-
cuses.

Ishihara is capable of being frank and
critical about Japan's closed market
(note his comments on the Motor-
ola/NTT car-phone controversy). As
p Ishihara just might
make an excellent whistle blower, to the
benefit of both countries.

Steven D. Myers
Novi, Michi

me minist

BUSTER AND HISTORY
Like many other boxing fans, I have

come to admire the slugging son of Bill
and Lula Douglas. But in /u This Coruer
(Playboy, October), Tony Fitzpatrick in-
accurately states, “If Holyfield pulls an
upset, he will be only the second light-
heavyweight fighter in boxing history to
move up in weight and capture the
heavyweight title; Michael Spinks was
the first, in a bout with the seemingly
comatose Larry Holmes.” Not so. Gene
Tunney moved up in weight class to de-
feat the Manassa Mauler, Jack Dempsey,
twice in the Twenties for the heavy-
weight championship of the world.

George Sidoti

East Northport, New York

LETTER FROM GLASNOST

For more than 30 years, Playboy has been
banned in Communist countries in eastern
Europe; but since Mikhail Gorbachev initial
ed his policy of glasnost, a few copies have
trickled behind the Iron Curtain, with the
result that, for the first time, we're hearing
from eastern European readers such as the
one below, Welcome to the world of Playboy

1 read your magazine (a present from
Holland) last week and got extremely
pleased and surprised. 1 would never
expect to be a proud owner of an origi-
nal copy of Playboy in English. Now I can
make a comparison between the propa-
ganda of the former ruling crew of pro-
fessional liars in my country and the
ked truth. The former ideological ma-
ne described Playboy as a secret impe-
tic weapon of the West to maybe
threaten the ma
wealthy and foreverlast
society

lous future of our
g Communistic

To my surprise, it turned out to be a
ct-

sophisucated, pleasant and atr
ive magazine! Besides the pretty girls
there is plenty to read. My God, how 1
missed such a ad topics! We
had free elections here, for the first
me in my life, but not much h
nged until now

1 am keen on English, but my only
sources have been the Voice of America
(depending on weather conditions)
some back issues of Time and a diction-
ary from 1968. There is nothing on the
shelves of our bookshops, so Playboy is a
precious source of expressions and

news. Nice to hear that Ray Bradbury is
súll alive!
Bruno Schwarzbach

Ostrava, Czechoslovakia

LACE

When I heard that American Gladiators
Lace (a.k.a. Marisa Parc) was going to be
featured in the October Playboy, I
thought you guys were joking. Then I
saw the pictorial. What a babe! I've been

in love with her since the first Gladiators
show. Excuse me. Im going out to do
some more back flips.

J. P Abplanalp
Elkhart, Indiana

“DOES CENSORSHIP KILL BRAIN CELLS?”

I'd like to comment on a minor pomt
made by Robert Scheer in his hard-hit-
ting essay “Does Censorship Kill Brain
Cells?” (Playboy, October).

Scheer contends that it was Ed Sulli-
van who wouldn't let the TV
view the gyrations of Elvis’ pelvis during
Presley's three appearances in 1956 and
19 As Scheer may recall, The Ed Sulli-
van Show was sponsored by the Lincoln-
Mercury Division of the Ford Motor
Company. At that time, Lincoln-Mer-
cury was run by Benson Ford, who, with
his wife, Edie McNaughton Ford, had
become a great friend of the Sullivans.

The facis are that afier viewing the
first of Presley's performances, Benson
Ford called Sullivan and asked him to
take Elvis off the program for the re-
mainder of his three-appearan
tract; he argued that adults were turned
off by Presley and that teenagers did not
buy Lincolns. It was subsequently dete
mined that neither Sulli nor Ford's
lawyers could break Elvi contract,
which is why we saw all three presenta
tions, albeit minus Presley's lower half.
die Ford later told me that the at-
tempt to censor Presley's perf
wasn't made for moral reasoi
problem was purely

audience

con-

down to the premise (hat when one is
footing the advertising bill, one tries to
get the most bang for one's buck.
However, Scheer's fundamental thesis

is right on. The book burners of this
world always seem to be with us, along
with all zealots who would protect us
from ourselves. Thanks for an articulate
restatement of that menace.

John M. Bulkley, Jr.

Bellevue, Washington.

Robert Scheer maintains that "attacks
on artistic freedom emanate
tightly knit circle of fundamentalist
right-wingers

Sull, the NAACP objected to a local
PBS stations broadcasting D. W.
Griffith's The Birth of a Nation. The Anti-
Defamation League of B'nai B'rith
expressed grave concern about a pr
duction of Shakespeare's The Merchant of
Venice with Laurence Olivier. Other left-
wing groups have advocated censoring
Huckleberry Finn, The Last of the Mohicans,
A Boy and His Dog, Amos 'n’ Andy and
Charlie Chan movies, among other

While it may make Scheer feel good to
think that censorship comes only from
the far right, that p
sense

from a

ise is Schee

non-

Emil M. Murad
Huntington Beach, California

THE LAW AND MALE CONTRACEPTION
While Lam in disagreement with West
Virginia Senator Ch
posed legislation (Playboy Forum
for sterilizing those delinquent in child-
support payments and requiring a
spouses written permission before a
man can obtain a vasectomy, | am
amused by its premise that a man's re-
productive rights should be controlled
by law. Such a juicy topic for debate. 1
wonder how male antichoice activists

ll respond.

arloue Pritt’s pro-
June)

Callie Lasch
Red Bank, New Jersey

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Browsing through my husband's Oc-
tober Playboy, 1 discovered a wonderful
surprise: the 20 Questions interview with
fer Sutherland. I've admired his per-
formances for several years and respect
your magazine for giving him a chance
to prove that he isn't just another hand-
some face but a multitalented and intel-
ligent person with depth and insight. A
lot ol actors and actresses try to be cutesy
or act dumb when interviewed. but this
guy had the guts to show everyone what
ade of. I'm waiting for
him to win his first Oscar in the not-too-
distant future.

true actors are

Phyllis Weatherford
Center, Texas

This is
a smoke stain
from one cigarette.
I you think it
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imagine how it looks
on your teeth.

A single cigarette. That's all it takes. t's a problem you'd be stuck with if you
were using a regular, or even a tartar control toothpaste.

But with Topol smokers toothpaste, not only can you fight
plaque and tartar. You can also brush away the smoking stains.

Which makes Topol a habit every smoker should have. :
Nothing Removes Smoking Stains Better Than Topol. “Ys: f

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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

M
Mr or

SURFIN' TURF

An off-season scoop from a friend on
the left coast

“Yo, dudes, like there's some good news.
The boards of summer have a new place to
hang: The International Surfing Museum
in Huntington Beach, Californta—a.ka
Surf City if youre hip to the scene
Opened last June, the mecca of moon dog-
gies occupies a rehabbed art-deco building
two blocks from the sand

“The totally tubular, totally donated col-
lection is dedicated to the late Duke
Kahanamoku. Don't know who the Duke
is? Uncool! He's the Olympic swimmer
turned actor who also happens to be the
father of American surfing. You can scope
the rad photos of Poppa Duke and other
then

legends riding some tasty waves,
check out the evolution of the surfboard—
from the gnarly twelve-foot, one-hundred-
twenty-pound boards of the ‘Twenties and
Thirties to the sleek fiberglass babies we
use today. III kind of blow your mind
Other cool stuff includes a mahogany pad-
dle board used by underwater demolition
teams during World War Two; a motorized
jet board for the surfing impaired; a Bat
man board with a life-size caped crusader
embossed on it; Dick Dale's very own surf
guitar; and memorabilia from the Beach
Boys, the Surfaris and the Fantastic Bag-
gys. Surfers and other fabulous strangers
from twenty countries have stopped by the
museum. Tò lift a fave phrase from the
guest book, ‘It's awesome?”

THANKS, DAD

Has the video craze hit Cairo, or what?
According to a Cairo newspaper, when
entrepreneur Mohammed el Mahdi Essa
needed cash to buy a VCR, he came up
with a solution that redefines the term
trade-in: He was arrested for selling his
three-year-old son for $700. When con
fronted by the local cops, he explained
he'd made the deal because he was too
honest to steal. Just goes to show that
sometimes, Father doesnt know best

FAKIN’ FOR BACON

OK, we've heard that women have occa
sionally simulated an orgasm or two (no

women we know, of course) but now

they're doing it for money. A few Sarasc
Florida, bar owners, taking their cue from
the counterfeit climax scene in When Har-
ry Met Sally . . . , have be
prizes to winners of their Fake the Big O
Contests. While members of either sex
may step up to moan at the mike, the ladies
have been coming on strongest. Makes
sense. "After all.” noted a female reporter.
"this is definitely a woman's sport”

a offering cash

TRUE WIT

Johnny Carson substitute Jay Leno is one
of the timeliest, oft-quoted wits in the biz
There’ a reason: He pays for a good joke.
For the record, we talked with
just quit his full-time job to write one joke
aweek for Leno, at just under $1,000 a pop.

THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CINEMA

No one defined the genre of suspense
better than Alfred Hitchcock, or Westerns
beuer than John Ford, or epics better than
D. W. Griffith. Will today’s directors leave a
personal stamp on what we watch? We sur-
veyed the oeuvre of the following directors

ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO

and discovered some new film types:
Pedro (Women on the Verge of a Nervous
Breakdown, Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!)
Almodóvar specializes in The ‘Tripped-
Out-Chick Flick: neurotic women doing

the darnedest things

Bernardo (Last Tango in Paris, The Last
Emperor) Bertolucci brings us The Fini
Film: facing the final curtain with the ciao
master.

Tim (Beetlejuice, Batman) Burton is the
Nouveau Keaton. Like Buster, lonely guy
turns into comic strip and vice versa.
Erancis Ford (The Godfather, The Godfather
Part II, The Godfather Part LHI) Coppola is
the master of The Mob Movie: how to suc-
ceed in business the okl-country way.
Akira (Kagemusha, Ran) Kurosawa creates
Cinema Sayonara: hara-kiri scenes from
the cutting edge.

Spike (Do the Right Thing, Mo’ Better Blues)
Lee provides The Singular Sensation, fea-
turing a great comic actor: himself

Barry (Diner, Tin Men, Avalon) Levinson
guides tours in The Baltimore, duckpins

and all

David (Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart) Lynch
concocis The Creep Show: regular folks
getting down in weird ways.

Adrian (92 Weeks, Fatal Attraction, Jacobs
Ladder) Lyne surs up The Sextacular:
strange people having strange sex in
strange places.

Mike (Working Girl, Hearlburn, Postcards
from the Edge) Nichols gives us Ms.-isms, in
which the women always win

Prince (Under the Cherry Moon, Graffiti
Bridge) helms The Short Subject, a low
down look at the life of His Highness that
translates into big bucks.

m (The Evil Dead, Darkman) Raimi
resurrects Lazarus Redux: After life
comes. . . mutation?

Martin (Mean Streets, Raging Bull, Good-
Fellas) Scorsese dishes up The Spaghetti
Eastern, wherein a macho man’s gotta do
what a macho man's gotta do.

Oliver (Platoon, Born on the Fourth of July,
The Doors) Stone directs Post-Viet
Stress Spectacles: tragedy and symbolism
by the numbers, with a dash of slo-mo.
Paul (Turkish Delight, RoboCop, Total

RAW

DATA

[ SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS] INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS

“There's almost a
reverse chauvinism at
work . . . guys get
slammed for telling
blue jokes. Women
get laughs.”—cHRis-
TOPHER ALBRECHT, a
senior programing
executive at HBO

THE BIG GULP

In city driving,
number of miles per
gallon of gasoline
for a Lamborghini
Countach, 6; for a
Rolls-Royce Bentley
Continental and a
Ferrari Testarossa, 10; Percen
for aBMW 750 IL, 12, derg
for a Porsche 928 S4, dont know
13; toran Audi V8and
a Maserati 228, 14

nearly 60.

1n highway dri umber of miles
per gallon of gasoline for a Lambor-
ghini Countach, 10; for a Rolls-Royce
Bentley Continental, 13; for a Ferrari
‘Testarossa, 15; for a BMW 750 IL and
an Audi V8, 18; for a Porsche 928 S1
and a Maserati 298, 19.

ROD AND REAL

Average length of erect penis as esti-
mated by mei a national survey by
the Kinsey Institute and the Roper Or-
ganization: eight to 12 inches

Average length as estimated by wom-

en: less than four inches.
.

Actual average length: five to seven

inches.

HEART SMARTS

Percentage of cardiologists who do
not smoke, 975; who know their own
cholesterol level, 96; who have changed

_ their diet to reduce cholesterol, 72.2;

who limit salt intake, 697; who work
out at least 20 minutes three times per
weck, ; who have taken a tr
test, 61.6; who t:
every other day, 40.
33.8.

who eat oat bran,

FACT OF THE MONTH

DOG'S LIFE

Percentage of
American dogs that
bring the morning
paper to their mas-
ters: L7.
.
Percentage of
American dog owners
who are as attached to
their dog as to their
best friend, 31,6;
their children,
151; their spouse,
104; their neigh-
bors, 6.6; their co-
workers, 54; their
parents, 4.1.

ge of Harvard un- D
uates who believe they
themselves well
enough to choose a carcer:

Percentage of
American dogs whose
best tick is to sit up,
21; to shake hands,
15; to roll over, 114; to
sit, 11; to play dead, 74; 10 beg, 72; to
catch a ball, 4; to catch a Frisbee, 1.9.
.

Percentage of American dogs that do
not do any tricks: 49.9.

VAULTING AMBITION

Percentage ol top managers of major
corporations below the
executive who aspire 10 be CE
own their own firms: in 1980, 33.3; in
1990, 50.

Percentage of executives who would
in 1990, 91.

Percentage who would work as long
as possible: in 1980, 17; in 1990, ten.
.

Percentage who would continue

working if financially independent: in
1980, 68; in 1990, 63.
.

Percentage who would choose the
same career il they were starting over:
in 1980, 60; in 1990, 48.
M
Average number of hours managers
work per week: in 1980, 53; in 1990, 56.

Recall) Verhoeven trashes the screen with
Yuks and Guts, in which disembowelment
and vomiting are funny.

THE ODOR OF MONEY

Weve heard of hidden persuaders— you
know, little-noticed details that suppo
make an ad more effective. Dr
Hirsch, director of the Smell &
ment and Research Foundation Lid.,
found a new one. He's OP ied that
y use "

odor technology"
purchase products they don't need. Just as
the smell of food starts us salivating, says
Hirsch, other odors aflect brain waves.
Lavender relaxes, jasmine excites. Fortu-
nately, hes mum on just exactly which
scent trips the MasterCard reflex.

MAIL-ORDER SHRINK

thing can be ordered
| so why not advice? Psy-

Practically ever
through the ma
chotherapists Muriel Goldfarb and Da
Rubinstein share a mail-order practic
Manhattan. Heres how it should work:
Drop a short letter or tape in the mail with
a check for 40 bucks and you'll receive a
prompt reply. After approximately five let-
ters, bye-bye, blues. Goldfarb and Ru-
binstein see a real advantage, aside from
their own financial gain, to having you
write down or tape your problems. Not
only can you air them out as they arise
(rather than waiting for some couch time),
you can look back and reflect. Ahh. A ven-
ture worthy of the original head-hunter
himself, Herr Doktor Freud, who also par-
pated in mail-order analysis.

MAP MASTER

The Interstate Travelmate from Travel-
ers Checklist (335 Cornwall Bridge Road,
Sharon, Connecticut 06069) is a palm-
ed computer that. provides directions
and information on 30,000 gas stations,
hotels, ants and other services. The
catch? You have to know where you are
and the direction in which you're travel-
ing. If those are chronic problems, stick
with your chauffeur.

THE IDEAL MAN?

ing. Men and

talk-show cameras—so Sally Jessy Raphael
and her cousin Mimi Schachat have decid-
ed to set things straight. Phil Donahues
bespectacled competitor has created her
own toy boy to be sold in department
stores. Dubiously dubbed The Ideal Man,
the revolutionary doll is 22% inch

w
thé di exei
“TII do the dishes
and "You look wonderful."
can he watch football?

I respect your ca
Not bad. But

Raul Garcia has ©
+ dived off the famous La Y
~ Quebrada cliff in Acapulco,
X Mexico 37,348 times. The cliffis ' .
© 87 feet high. The water below is12 (4
= feet deep. The watch that Raul is s
wearing is water-resistant to 82 .,
feet. It's from the Timex men's >
o fashion collection. It ©
"ELS about $40. 4

ES
“aay 6

TIMEX

6100 Tanen Corp, For ta ie hoc 0035-463.

By BRUCEWILLIAMSON

ASA Str iced. Kansas City couple, Paul
Newman and Joanne Woodward in Mr. and.
(Miramax) provide a sympa
ic and fascinating study of American
Gothic mores some decades ago. Directed
impeccably by James Ivory from Ruth
Prawer Jhabvalas adaptation of idi
novels by Evan S. Connell, the film shows
the same tasteful, fastidious touch the Ivo-
ry-Jhabvala team brought to A Room with
a View. Set in the Thirties and Forties, it’s a
movie that brings forth such adjectives a
lovely, sweet and enchanting. It has mor
pizzazz than you might expect. however
in dramatizing the gulf be the
Bridges—both superbly played, with New-
man exceptional as the elder Bridge, carc-
fully suppressing his lewd nature—and
their children, who have grown up in a
somewhat freer social climate. Mrs, Bridge
keeps leaving sex manuals where their
only son (Robert Sean Leonard) will se

them, until he leaves for service in World
Daughter Carolyn. (Margaret
s the wrong guy. while their

wee

be actress, leaves for New York
catches her screwing with a
stranger one night. Otherwise, nothing
much happens, but Mr. and Mrs. Bridge
creates excruciating drama from the
lest moments—such as the boy-scout
celebration where a mother cringes be-
cause her son cant bring himself to kiss
her. In a way, that’s what this deliciously
done movie is about, reminding us that lit-
ue things mean a lot. Yyyy
.

All hell breaks loose in King of New York
(Seven Arts), one more wicked crime di
ma in a season of Mob violence. This one is
directed by Abel F ra, whose first fea-
ture was the striking Ms. 45. The self
styled king, who comes out of prison
determined to take over every existing ill
gal scan
pher Walken. is whole system
the scumbag” is among the unseuling
statements made during an orgy of bloody
bullying, treachery and one se-
about dealing drugs in a children's
lken's weirdly slanted person-
y n almost ma
it work. They push their luck, though. by
sking us to believe that Walken, as a psy
chotic WASP misfit named Frank White

nay be the mug to make Manhattan his
very own. YY

virtual

The controversial Henry & June (Univer-
sal). initially Xd, is now the M.PA,A.s first
-rated —the shift he rat
ings system no doubt hastened by the clout
of a major studio. Director Philip Kauf-
's brainy but decidedly racy account of
between writers. Henry Miller

Woodward, Newman as the Bridges.

The Newmans play K.C.
squares; Paris hosts
a wilder Henry & June.

nd Anais Ni diaries and
Millers autobiographical novels, was
lapted by Kaufman (in collaboration
with his wife, Rose). The movie is at once
outrageous and surprisingly tam
bluenoses will probably quail at the fre
quency of bed scenes, brothel scenes,
lesbian exhibitionism and explicit verbal
references. “Henry writes about fucking,”
someone remarks, introducing. n.
Theyre both married when they meet:
Anais—played with exceptional skill by
Portuguese-born Maria de Medeiros, who
perfect for the part—to an artsy, sensu-

er named Hugo (Richard E

in); Miller to the June of the title (Ui
arresting and beautiful even
role as a Brooklynese sexpot
ms a bit beyond her means). Fred Ward
plays Miller with earthy gusto, but there's
of the ch;
s the classic
ters on the screen,

yet

ssing in the siz
ter. Part of the problem
difficulty of putting w
watching them write and listening to th
sometimes literary dialog. “IE want to vul-
ize vou," groans Ward while he's hi
ing Nin under a bridge in
pleasure," says Nin midway through what
she calls “the process ol becoming a wom
1 dominates the drama, but, in fact.
the movie belongs to Kaufinan—as an
beaut
, much, mu
kers. vue

ul exercise in literate
bral for thrill

nsely

Not nearly as good as it ought to be,
White Palace (Universal) casts James Spader

as the only young Jewish Yuppie in Greater
St. Louis who scems to have been raised as
an upright Presbyterian. Hes a widowel
still grieving and celibate, when he meets
Susan Sarandon, playing a hash-slinging
waitress 16 years his senior. And irs about
here that White Palace becomes interest-
ing, because Sarandon and Spader are su-
perior actors whose sexual chemistry boils
nd bubbles on scre She's a dow
dame who fears shes no more than
good fuck.” To him, she is “magic” in bed,
though her earthy style embarrasses him
elsewhere. Thereby hangs a wonderfully
romantic tale, yet director Luis Mandoki
(he did the sensitive Gaby—A True Story)
overemphasizes both the Jewishness and
the cultural gap that separates the lovers
her awkward screenplay that two
extraordinary performers almost save. vvv.
.

As a storytelling sco
represent bygone ways, Danny Glover
dominates lo Sleep with Anger (Goldwyn).
Writer-director Charles Burnett arrest-
ing, often unrealistic distillation of a black
family’s experience in Los Angeles has
lover playing the mysterious. stranger
whose talk of magic charms disrupts the
household run by Suzie (Mary Alice) and
ideon (Paul Butler). While they struggle
with their children’s desires for a better
life, Glover's troublesome Harry brings
back hall-buried memories of sharecrop-
ping and slavery along with ancient super-
stitions. Strongly ethnic in character, the
movie doesnt always make sense but al-
ways manages to be original and intri-
guing. A

ndrel who seems to

Moviegoers who have seen After Dark,
My Sweet and The Grifters should be at
least partially prepared for The Kill-Off
(Cabriolet), yet another movie adapted
m a novel by the late Jim Thompson.
Writer-director Maggie Greenwald's re-
sults are uneven but have an appropriately
nasty edge. In a beachside American town
that looks as if it would never be in se
rible, bedridden gossip (Loretta
. the local whore, the d the
ler and various other mi
look capable of murder in this dow
B-movi nthesis of sleaze. vv

OI to a fast start, Taxi Blues (MK2) opens
with a carload of drunks scouring Moscow
to buy vodka middle of the night
Pavel Lounguine, named Best Director at
the 1990 Cannes Film Festival, takes a dim

but eye-opening view of lile in the Soviet
Union post-perestroika. His seriocomic
Tom and Jerry are a conservative taxi driv-

er, Schlykov (Piotr. Zaitchenko), who has
been stifled on his fare and a jazz musician
named Lyocha (played by Piotr Mamanov,
a rock superstar in the Soviet Union), who
is free-spirited, impulsive and alcoholic
Booze and women propel them along a

Steve Newman —
walked around the
~ world. Alone. During his
21,000-mile, four-year stroll he
. survived everything from a wild boar
attack to four arrests as a suspected spy. ^
Steve is wearing the Magnum" watch
by Timex. Shock and water-resistant *
10200 meters, it has a second time 4
zone for your world travels.
It costs about $60.—

TIMEX

slippery slice of life that includes sex,
fisticuffs and playing saxophone in the
nude. Hardly an attractive picture, yet
Taxi Blues helps put Moscow on the map
for cinema with social sting. ¥¥¥
.

According to Virginia Madsen, as a

scheming trollop in The Hot Spot (Orion),

A visit with Vilmos.
OFF CAMERA

A man who has seen Citizen Kane
at least thirty times,” Hun
born cinematographer Vilmos Zsig-
mond calls that milestone movie
favorite picture that I go back to for
inspira Zsigmond's own latest.
project is the imminent Bonfire of the
Vanities, directed by Brian De
Palma. “I like working with De Pal-
—he's a great director, but he
gives you total freedom.” Zsigmond,
60, compares Bonfires cinematic
style to the black-and- Kane as

"super-real, which implies low an-
htened,
Thrice nomi-
nated for Academy Awards, Zsig-
mond won an Oscar for Close
Encounters of the Third Kind. He has
also performed his visual razzle-
dazzle on such hits as The Deer
Hunter and Deliverance.“ You have to
do a body of work to get an Oscar,”
he notes. “They always think your
first picture may be just a fluke.”

Zsigmond personally favors
watching small European films.
“Like Cinema Paradiso—such a sim-
ple story, and | loved how beautiful-
ly i next pri a
I'm about to direct a movie of my
own, You get frustrated, otherwise,
because the director is always the
captain of the ship, and I've waited
long enough for this to happen. lts a
love story between a Hungarian ac-
tor and a German woman from Is-
rael. I have Michael York and Liv
Ullmann to play the parıs, and on
my picture, TIL have a Hungarian
cameraman. But lll continue to be a
cinematographer, carning money on
other projects so I can go and play at
directing”

there are only two things to do in the dis-
mal Texas town where her husband runs a
car lot. One is watching TV. Madsen
yearns to do the other thing as often as pos-
sible with Don Johnson, playing a horn
handsome drifter who sells cars while he
works out the details of a planned bank
robbery. Johnson's real interest in his off
hours is Jennifer Connelly, the dazzling
brunette in the office. Directed by Dennis
Hopper, who knows a thing or two about.
trash, Hot Spot delivers exacıly what its title
promises: beautiful people, bad vibes and
body heat. ¥¥¥2

Children vacationing at a French seaside
resort are preoccupied with sex. smoking
bbles in the subtitled C'est la
muel Goldwyn), by director Diane
Kurys Set in the late Fifties, when divorce
was less fashionable, Kurys' sensitive look
at family wreckage winds up a trilogy (be-
gun by Peppermint Soda and Entre Nous)
about youngsters learning to survive the
goofs of grownups. At 13, Frederiqu
(Julie Bataille) is sent off to the beach with
her sister and an unsympathetic maid
while her mother and father arrange to
split. Nathalie Baye and Richard Berry are
well mismatched as the hit-and-run couple
in crisis; Vincent Lindon plays Momm
horny paramour, whose presence merely
adds to the turmoil. Made with a worldly
Gallic shrug and plenty of incidental hu
mor, C'est la Vieisa sad but compassionate
autobiographical comedy that treats the
confusion of being young as a bittersweet
memory. xxx

Some fairly raw and graphic humor sets
the tone of Sibling Rivalry (Columbia), an
unabashed sex comedy directed by Carl
Reiner and written by Martha Goldhirsh.
The heroine is a doctors frustrated Yuppie
wife (Kirstie Alley) who yearns to be a
writer, “like Sylvia Plath, only happier."
The man she picks up foi i
g unexpectedly dies in a hotel room
still wearing a condom after their fifth inti-
macy. Too late, she learns that the deceased
sexual athlete (Sam Elliott) was her hus-
band's brother, whom she had never met.
With Scott Bakula playing cuckoldry just
right as the neglectful spouse, Reiner also
s Carrie Fisher, Bill Pullman and
imi Gertz as various other friends or fam-
ily members. All perform zealously on an
obvious but amusing lark. vvv

His music, his marriages, his kids and
his legendary career are jammed together
in a busy rhythmic format in Listen
Up: The Lives cf Quincy Jones (Warner).
While much of his story is told in Jones's
Playboy Interview in the July 1990 i
Listen Up says it with picture
pace is often as hectic as MTV, seemingly
geared for audiences with a shc i

man is phenomenal. The movi
glory while toasting his hectic private life
with a jigger of wry. vuv

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Avalon (Reviewed 12/90) Barry Levin-
son's immigrant roots revisited. — WW¥¥
Bye Bye Blues (12/90) Making sweet mu-
sic with a Canadian war widow vun
C'est la Vie (Sce review) squab-
bles with a French twist. u
Cyrano de Bergerac (12/90) The classic,
with Depardieu winning by a
nose. wu
Dark Obsession (12/90) Class conflict and
vivid infidelity in England, with Gabriel
Byrne and Amanda Donohoc. Ye
Desperate Hours (12/90) Questionable re-
make, but Rourke is expert. m
GoodFellos (11/90) Gangsterism with
gusto, Scorsese style. va
The Grifters (12/90) Director Stephen
Frears gives con artists a lift. wu
Henry & June (See review) Literate lust
in the first movie rated NC-I7. wy
The Hot Spot (See review) Mash notes
embodied by Madsen and John-

son. we
The WillOff (Sce review) Small-town
smut in a B-movie format, yy

King of New York (See review) Make mine
Manhattan, says Chris Walken. Ww
The Krays (11/90) British mobsters, and
they're a bloodcurdling bunch. — ¥¥¥¥
listen Up: The Lives of Quincy Jones (Sce
review) Th. ic *
Memphis Belle (12/90) Off to aerial war-
lare in the wide blue yonder. wa
Millers Crossing (10/90) The brothers

Coen on a real kick with gang
war. vum
Mr. and Mrs. Bridge (See review) Novel
doings for Paul and Joanne. vu

Narrow Morgin (11/90) Gene Hackman
and Anne Archer on a fast train
vip. wy
The Nasty Girl (Listed only) German
guilt uncovered one more time. WA
Postcards from the Edge (11/90) Sealed,
stamped and delivered, indeed. vs
Quigley Down Under (Listed only) OK

Aussie Western starring Selleck, vv
Reversol of Fortune (12/90) The Von
Bülow case, flashily recapped vv
Sibling Rivelry (See review) Alley on an
ill-fated infidelity binge. wy
Taxi Blues (Sec review) From Moscow
without too much love. Lii
To Sleep with Anger (Sec review) Danny
Glover wakes up L.A Wh

Tune in Tomorrow (12/90) Fairly stale hu-
mor about a May-December affair. ¥
Vincent & Theo (11/90) Robert Altman
takes a look at the Van Goghs. ¥¥¥%
White Palace (See review) Sarandon and
Spader manage to heat it up. Ww

Yy Worth a look
x Forget it

us Don't
vvv Good

THE ART IOS DISCOVERY.

First, one must know
where to look:

Martell XO Supreme,
for example—the

fine old cognac so long
revered in Europe

and The Far East—

is finally available in

America.

MARTELL

SINCE 1715

Cocnac. Lart DE Mie.

VIDEO

FENN AGAIN
a vid peek at Peaks' cherry-chomping lovely
Before her Tuin
Peaks triumph, our
December
knockout
lyn Fenn pulled a

stint as a Playboy pa
Bunny and bared

number of films.
Asa public service, we rate them here (the
r of cherries indicates what vou see

A blonde Sherilyn plays a red-
bathed in blue light. 66
Meridian: Totally nude, totally awe:
co-star Charlie also earns a cherry.
Out of Control: Fenn prudishly clings to her
wet T-shirt, but we dor't mind. $

True Blood: Half-dressed, she fees an
attacker. $

Two Moon Junction: Blonde again, she falls
for a roustabout; midnight-rendezvous
scene tops all others. $466

The Wraith: A pool of water, Charlie Sheen
and a dropped top. 66

($ Temperatures rising; $6 Fires imagina-
tion; $66 Bona fide scorcher; 6666 Fenn
inferno)

BRUCE ON VIDEO
our movie critic goes to the tape

Interesting names and unfamiliar titles,
many of which didn't make it as theatrical
features, keep cropping up in video stores.
Blaze Starr—The Original: Yes, the real Blaze
Starr in a campy blast from the past (1963)

about a burlesque star at rest in a nudist
camp, where frontal i (on camera, at
least) is strictly taboo. Stick with the Paul
Newman-Lolita Davidovich version.

Bad Jim: A horse plays Jim in an unassum-
ing Western, mostly memorable as the
movie debut of John Clark Gable, Clark's
son, in a see-worthy practice swing. With
Richard Roundtree and James Brolin.

R on and ridiculous
flashbacks hamper Jon Voight as a TV
journalist fighting media tyrant Armand
tious drivel
High Stokes: A riveting performance by
Sally Kirkland as a slutty stripper who
survives prostitution, the kidnaping of her
daughter and worse. Ripe melodrama.
Mortal Passions: As a young Hollywood wife
trying to dispose of her husband, Krista
Errickson sizzles in a Yuppie-style Double

Indemnity, but its no match for the
original. — BRUCE WILLIAMSON
VIDEO SIX-PACK

this month: how-to videos

“This New Year, nix those resolutions that
accentuate the negative and learn a thing
or two. For ter
Fundamentols of Squash: The neat thing
about this game is, you have fun no matter
how badly vou p t what the rack-
et's about (Athletic Institute; three tapes,
h).

The Juggling Video: After 25 minutes of
expert tutelage by pro Carlos Dolz, you'll
be able to keep three balls in the air. Don't
have the balls? Thais OK. They come with
19.95).
Casino Gambling: Gambling whiz Peter
Demos demonstrates the basics of black-

WANT A SHOWDOWN

Total Recall (conspirators from Mars play hide-and-seek
with Schwarzenegger's brain; bloodshed ensues), The
Fourth War (twa diehards refuse ta bury the Cald War on
German- Czech border); How the West Wos Won (the Fonda-
Wayne-Peck pioneer mega-epic; remastered on laserdisc).

WANT SOME HEAT

FEELING OFFBEAT

FEELING SENTIMENTAL

Never Lond)

Wild Orchid (Mickey Rourke encourages lawyer Corré Olis
ta loosen up during Rio festival; she does); Night Trips U
(follow-up to the lauded X-rated fantasy; different stors,
same steam); Camille Claudel (affair with Rodin drives
sculptress Isabelle Adjani insane).

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (cult curiasity, finally avail-
able far viewing sans crozed fans); The Wall: Live in Berlin
(Roger [Pink Floyd] Waters‘ ihematically forced but
effective concert spectade); Thelonious Monk: Straight, No
Chaser (cool docu-mix of Mank's life and music).

Lassie Come Home (the 1946 kid-and-canine classic, with
restored color on loser disc); Milo and Otis (cute puppy—
kitty version af The Defiont Ones); Peter Pan (Disney's
animated take on the pirate-fighting hera of Never-

avitate toward
when | rent
says Jackie
Mason, the kvetching
host of the Jackie
Masons Town Meeting
o specials (debuting this
month on HA! The TV

ME ned dmi Ta
a great fan of Woody Allen films, especially Man-
hattan, Broadway Danny Rose and Take the Non-
ey and Run.” Mason's quick to add The Sunshine
Boys and A Night at the Opera to his vid hall of
tame. “The old comedies are still the best,” he
explains. “Fifty years later, the Marx Brothers
are still funny. It's not like a horse compared to
a car" Thats not to say Mason isn't moved by
modern clowns. “I'm a great fan of Eddie Mur-
phy.” he says, citing 48 HRS. and Beverly Hills
Cop. “There is more electricity when he's on the
screen than in all the generators of Con
Edison.” Talk about a plug. — sis umm

jack, craps, roulette and baccarat; David
Brenner provides the laughs (Warner:
$39.05)

Querterbacking to Win: Throwing a perfect
spiral every time is what you're after, so
skip the other drills and EF to ex-pro
Zorn showing you how. Just in time for the
play-offs (Morris Video; $29.95).
Rockelimbing with John Long: Get a leg
sheer cliff with a crash course from an
expert (Gravity $
Attunement for Personal & Planetary Transfor-
mation: A Full-Spectrum Experience: For those
into that sort of thing (Attunement;
$29.95). TERRY CATCHPOLE

THE HARDWARE CORNER

All Wound Up: Save wear and tear on
tapes with Ambico's two-way rewinder. It
moves faster than fast forward, then slows
to prevent stretching ($3:
Zoom Boom: As camcorders shrink, so

accessor The nch variable
microphone from Azden comes with

zoom
a mounting shoe and a Velcro strip.
$100, you won't miss a word of small

talk.

MI TELES

Best Ask-a-Silly-Question Videos: Why'd the
Beetle Cross the Road?, Why Am I Afraid?,
Why Am I Doing This?, Why Am I So Tired?,
Why Me?, Why Is It Always Me?, Why Is This
Happening to Me . . . Again”, Why Can't Fly
Like a Bird?, Why Don't | Fall Up?, Why Do We
Still Have Mountains?, Why Do Animals Look
Like They Do?, Why Work?, Why Calibrate? and
Why Drown?

—MAURY Z LEVY

cAjter all,
if smoking isn't g p

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

VIC GARBARINI

k. Living Colour
Van Halen
ew Hendrix.

GIVE THESE guys a bre
not the African-American
Rush, Metallica or even the
Although they've absorbed and digested
all those influences, Time's Up (Epic) proves
them to be the most original and intelli-
gent hard-rock band on the planet, They
constantly push the envelope without pop-
ping out of it. Vernon Reid's postpunk.
hard-bop guitar screams and soars while
Glove s, fueled by righteous
have the street credibility of rap.
message about pride, race, love, self-
esteem and social dislocation is instructive
without being preachy, so the Guns m Ros-
es/Van Halen crowd can't help but get it.
Many fans—including Jef! Beck—who
found their debut unfocused compared
with their sensat
cover that the musical jigsaw puzzle makes
a coherent and powerful whole this time.

you

mal live shows will d

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Although Neil Young will never have the
iconic clout of Bob Dylan, some citizens
will tell you he has made better music
except for the flannel faithful who con:
er Heart of Gold a pinnacle of Ameri
culture, most of them are mad for rock
and roll. Both singer-songwriters begun as
folkies strumming acoustics in politically
correct cafés. For Dylan, the road from
folk to rock led to that vast kingdom called
pop music. But once Young learned to play
electric guitar, other mortal
moved to the back of the bus.

Since Young's hardest-rocking moments
have come with the galumphing, othe
wise barely working Crazy Horse, his mad-
der fans consider the new Crazy Horse col-
laboration, Ragged Glory (Reprise), eve
bigger news than Freedom, which in 1989
was the first Young album in ten years to
achieve general renown. It certainly ha
more guitar on it—four of its ten cuts solo
for seven, eight, ten minutes, and all are
keyed to riffs that grab and hold. Rock and
roll! Really. But the ly are barely the
and on a disc that’s more than an hour
long, Young's and Crazy Horses endear-
ingly foursquare sense of rhythm gets
pretty—I believe boring is the term.

Over in the kingdom of pop, mean-
while, Bob Dylan has emitted. his latest.
Since the coproducer is Don Was, the man
behind commercial comebacks by Bonnie
Raitt and the B-52's, Under the Red Sky (Co-
lumbia) is said to be fit for an icon, a claim
we've heard frequently over 15 years of du-
bious product. Thing is, Was may have
brought it off —Dylan's music sounds re-
taxed but not lazy, which is always the trick.
And not since Planet Waves have his lyrics
embraced such simplic simplicity

Colour: All the way, live.

Sizzlers from Living Colour
and Dylan, plus hot boxes
of Bo and Robert Johnson.

more beguiling because most of these
laments for a dying world aren't love songs,
'ept in a cosmic sense that's rarely any-
thing but pretentious in the land of pop.

DAVE MARSH

Robert Johnson: The Complete Recordings
(Columbia) is the greatest fruit of the cur-
rent roots-music revival. It collects on two
boxed CDs every take of the 29 songs
Johnson recorded in a recording "
that encompassed two sessions in the seven
months from November 1936 to June 1937
On these 41 tracks, Johnson merely proves
himself one of the greatest blues guitarists,
singers and lyricists who ever lived. Along
the way, he established the fundamentals
of rock and roll and contributed to the
repertoire of Cream, Led Zeppelin, the
Rolling Stones and Eric Clapton. Here,
his music is beautifully mastered and
organized and annotated with the sem
hysterical obsessiveness such a monument
deserves,

Johnson's salty sexuality and sense of
fear and disaster are a crucial part of vocal
black music’s heritage, up to and including
today's rap and hip-hop. The connection
between Johnson and such rappers as
Ice-T and Public Enemy runs straight
through Bo Diddley: The Chess Box (Chess
MCA). which collects the 45 greatest
examples of Bo's dow rty diddy-bop.
Like MCAS other Chess Boxes, this one sac-
fices completeness for coherence, and the
sound quality and annotation are superb.

Bo is as funny as the Coasters, has justified
his braggadocio with sheer musicality as
well as Lite Richard has, and his rum-
bling beat comes closer to primitive blues
than even Chuck Berrys.

NELSON GEORGE

The Time made only three albums, but
as the funky comic counterpart to Princes
more psychedelic Revolution, its sly humor
lefi an enduring impression. And even
though it replaced horns with synthesizers,
on What Time Is It? and lee Cream Castles,
the Time had a refreshing livc-band sound

GUEST SHOT

Tommy Conwell, having
pleted his second major-label album
release, “Guitar Trouble,” chose to re
view the late Stevie Ray Vaughans
final LP, “Family Style" a col-
laboration with his brother Jimmie
Vaughan

"Fm sure | own every single
thing either Stevie Ray or Jimmie
Vaughan has ever released—so, be-
lieve me, Stevies death doesnt
change how | feel about Family Style.
I really love this album even more
than I hoped. It captures the best of
each of them better than their re-
cent individual projects. Family Style
seems to ignore any worries about
whats commercial, yet producer
Nile Rodgers brought out fresh, dif-
ferent guitar sounds. And Jimmie
makes his singing debut here on
White Boots. Sounds great! And,
maybe most important, each one
brings out himself in the other—
Stevies guitar tone gets more inti-
mate and Jimmic’s gets greasier.
The track that really puts me away is
Brothers. ve never heard this on
record before—both guys are play-
ing the same guitar through. the
same amp. You can hear the mo-
ments when they're passing the gui-
tar between them. Its quiet and it
breaks my heart now. In a world of
sameness, these two were such origi-
nals. II tell you this, too—Stevie
Ray and Jimmie Vaughan make all
these heavy-metal gui players
sound like girls."

com-

PANASONIC. .
JUST SLIGHTLY AHEAD OF OUR TIME.
TO KEEP YOU JUST SLIGHTLY AHEAD
OF YOUR TIME.

A video recorder that actually talks. A camcorder so small it fits in the palm of your hand.
Acar radiothat finds your favorite style of music. Automatically.
A cordless phone that folds in half and slips into your shirt pocket.
This is Panasonic. Making your life easier, more comfortable and more exciting.
By offering technology not for its own sake, but for yours. It's called "Human Electronics.”
A philosophy meant to keep you ahead of your time,

PlayPak adapter.

A
A 30T0 1 ZOOM LENS
GETS A CLOSE-UP SHOT
EVENIF YOU'RENOT.
The new full-size
camcorder with 30
to1 digital zoom lens lets
you bring ‘em back alive
without getting right
nextto em. So if
youre locking for a
Camcorder, dont get
lost in the tech-
nological jungle.
Look for the PV-660.

HIS PALMCORDER™
CANHOLD YOUR

PICTURE STEADY

EVEN IF YOUR HAND SHAKES.

The technical term for it is Digital
Electronic Image Stabilization. The human term
for itis "incredible"! We call it the Palmcorder

PV-40 camcorder. And it's VHS compatible so you
can play your videos on any VHS recorder with the included

PANASONIC BRINGS YOU MORE WAYS
TO CREATE, CAPTURE AND ENJOY
THE MAGIC MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE.

ND NOW A FEW WORDS FROM
OUR TALKING VCR.
Our new voice confirmation VCR, with bar

gramming a VCR. The PV-4066 will actually
tell you what you've just programmed so you
can make sure you're not making a mistake.
But don't worry. Even if you do, it won't

yell at you.

code programming, takes the fear out of pro-

Bar code
programming,
As easy as
drawing a line

Picture Simulated

Prism. IT'S TELEVISION AS YOU'VE
NEVER SEEN IT-OR HEARD IT-BEFORE.
The advanced Dome Sound System is
the reason. Four stereo speakers are
concealed within the TV. then ported for
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rounded with a powerful audio/video
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even picture-in-picture capability. Prism
Unlike any TV youve ever experienced

Prism

To be connected directly to the Prism dealer nearest you.
call 1-800-365-1515, Ext. 900.

ISCOVER LASER IMAGES AND DIGITAL SOUNDS AS REAL AS LIFE ITSELF.

The Multi Laser Disc Player is digital technology at its most spectacular. Digital pro-
cessing for both audio and video ensures high-resolution pictures

and the purest of sounds. And it not only plays

five different types of discs, it will also

automatically play both sides of

laser video discs.

Welcome to the

future of audio

and video.

12 laser video disc

HE POCKET-SIZE
CELLULAR PHONE
THAT GOES ANYWHERE YOU GO.
Anywhere you go. it will follow
Because this portable cellu-
lar phone can even work ir
a car with an optional car kit.
So if you want a sophisticated
portable cellular phone
| now you know who to call

Irsenos FAXES TO 120
CITIES. AUTOMATICALLY.

UNATTENDED.

Sure, this fax machine has a built-in phone. Sure, it has a built-in answering
machine. But automatically send faxes to up to 120 locations? When you're.

not around? Sure. It's called broadcasting. And to get it, get the
Panasonic KX-F110.

LAPTOP WORD PROCESSOR
THAT LETS YOU TAKE YOUR WORK WITH YOU.
Now you can take along just about everything ycu used to leave
behind. Thanks to the built-in software of this powerful, portable
word processor. it stores data on standard 3.5" floppy discs.
So spreadsheets, files and documents are ready
10 hit the road when you are.

)

(&O& (008) (5015) (¿no

The SIZE OF
THIS CORDLESS PHONE
WILLAMAZE YOU, THE SOUND

WILL ASTONISH YOU.

This cordless phone features Sound Charger
technology. Its our newest noise reduction
system that helps your calls come through
loud and clear. The KX-T4000 also folds
in half and fits into ycur shirt pocket.
Ard it has two dialing pads-one
onthe base, the otheron the hand-
set. Heard enough? Good!

PANASONIC BRINGS HOME
THE TECHNOLOGY ONCE RESERVED
ONLY FOR BUSINESS.

A WORD processor THAT'S AS EASY TO USE =
ASITIS TO TURN ON.

With our newest desktop word processor.
youll be creating documents.
managing files, working on
spreadsheets and
printing them out in ro
time—even if you
never worked on a
word processor
before. You might say
it's the last word in
word processing.

PANASONIC REDEFINES AUDIO
FOR YOUR CAR, YOUR HOME AND THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Nor JUSTA PERSONAL
STEREO. A FINELY TUNED
INSTRUMENT.

Everything about the
RQ-S5V is extraordinary.
From the precision digital

cassette deck. From the S-XBS
super extra bass system to the one
button, full-function remote. Suddenly,
technology has taken personal stereo to
a higher musical level

"Dolby s a registered trademark
of Dolby Laboratories

tuner to the auto-reverse Dolby*

UT THE SOUND OF A SYMPHONY
IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.
Compact disc technology in mation
Listen to Bach on a hike. Or what-
ever you like. The SL-NP12 portable
CD player is ultra small but still
delivers pure digital heres
even XBS for extra bass sound. Plus,
one-key remote for easy. one-hand
operation. So pop in the Bach. Or
rock. And then roll

[OU'VE HEARD OF FOUR ON THE FLOOR.
NOW LISTEN TO 12 IN THE TRUNK.

With our programmable 12-disc car CD changer-the
CX-DP15. You load 12 discs in the back. but you control
them by remote from up front. For up to 12 hours of non-stop
pure CD sound. Its like driving inside a sound studio.

S | E |mNEv|P.SET [TEA
FOR | ATE | EASY, | TR

HE FIRST CAR RADIO IN HISTORY THAT
TAKES REQUESTS.
The new CQ-ID90 finas your favorte style of
music automatically-no matter where the road
may lead. It has a computer chip that remem-
bers the formats ol over 10.000 stations in over
4.300 cities. Whether you Ike classical. C&W,
rock, jazz. easy-listening or even talk shows.
the radio can find it no matter
where youre driving.

‘OR PEOPLE WHO WANT EVERYTHING <>
BUT HAVE NO PLACE TO PUT IT.
Its a greal-sounding, hifi component stereo system that's small enough to put by
your bed. On your desk. Or in your kitchen. Each component of the SC-CH9 is
perfectly matched and superbly engineered to deliver the musical impact of stereos
twice its size. You get a CD. double auto-reverse tape deck, two speakers. tuner.
amo and lots of room left over.

stop/sewer ott play/psuse.

poe]

oo0=00 00

-—
em

E -"---»
c0==00 ORO Os=000

LET PANASONIC
HOME APPLIANCES DO YOUR
HOME WORK.

EEnciNESRED ro HELP KEEP
THE AIR CLEAN AS WELL
AS YOUR CARPET.
Its powerful, quiet and light-
weight. Even better, llis vac-
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This means collected dust
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exits the vacuum. So
you clean thoroughly.
and help protect the
motor from debris.
as well

A MICROWAVE THAT MIXES, KNEADS AND BAKES BREAD.
AUTOMATICALLY.

With the built-in bread bakery.
Of course, this microwave also
broils and bakes. And with
Auto Sensor, it will even weigh
your favorite foods. figure cut
the precise cook-

ing and defrost-

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then cook. All
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Amazing tech-
nology made
simple

Our NEWEST TECHNOLOGICAL WRINKLE.
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Its light. It's electronic. It's revolutionary.
Its the Optima. With no cord to get

in your way, you'll get your ironing
cut of the way fast and easy.
And the power base has

a built-in 4-bit microcom-
puter that constantly
monitorp your tem
perature setting.
Hot stuff!

Panasonic

just slightly ahead of our time:

back when computerized. rhythm tracks
were starting to overrun pop. And live, the
Time was extraordinary, with leader Mor-
ris Day and valei-percussionist. Jerome
Benton avidly mixing vaudeville overstate-
ment with jive talk. Since the hand broke
up, keyboardist Jimmy "Jam" Harris and
bassist Terry Lewis have become one of the
top production t Jesse John-
made a couple of platinum solo al-

world’s

band the Family and Day ha
career in films and on record,

has
reunited for Pandemonium (Paisley Park), a
lively and occasionally juvenile | Esong col-
lection. Over y as witty as
on earlier efforts, but the Prince-penned
Donald Trump (Black Version) is more than
adequately bizarre. And the brothers do
Kick out the jams. The title track is vintage
Time, with a slick sound and racing tempo.
The songs that come closest to capturing
the hedonistic spirit of the early live shows
are Blondie and Shillet, two funk rockers
that feature Day's inuating vocals and
some blazing guitar solos by Johnson.

CHARLES M. YOUNG

Tiried to listen without prejudice the last
time George Michael put out an album and
I gave a positive review to a record that I
grew to loathe. So now that Michael wants
mc to Listen Without Prejudice (Columbia)
again, I'm going to let fly, be it prejudice or
opinion. Stung by people who found his
but wiggling preposterous, his black-
leather jacket less than dangerous and his
stubble insufficient evidence of tes
terone, this time he's declaring, ^
something deep inside of me/ There's
someone I forgot to be," apparently in the
belief that having failed to convince with
calculated se will now con
with calculated sincerity The problem is,
what [ hear deep inside George Michael is
a glittering but empty vessel. W i 1 hear;
“Lean heal the pain / T
inside,” E think, Bridge over Troubled Mo-
rons, My pain will be heated when he gives
endorsement money back to Pep:
sons loathing for Don Henley
ma) exceeds even my loathing
for George Michael. He wants Henley to
die, and says so in Don Henley Must Die.
I think this goes a bit far. Hen-
money to worthy cat such as
preserving Walden Pond, so 1 say let him

li urrounding himself with a real, com-
plete rock-and-roll band for the first time
on record (including John Doe, Country
Dick Montana. Bill Davis and Eric Roscoe

Ambel), Nixon explodes on such equally
subtle numbers as J Wanna Race Bigfoot
Trucks and Took Qut the Trash and Never
Came Back. Although Mojo has made his
rep on novelty tunes, let us not forget that
he has one powerful thumb and can find
the groove on rhythm guitar as well as
one this side of Keith Richards.

FAST TRACKS

, Was arrested for pla
ing 2 Live Crew in his house.

REELING AND ROCKING: Mickey Rourke
Don Johnson are making a movie called
The Rock "n Roll Grill, about two bud-
dies who save a restaurant thats being
threatened by drug dealers. . . . Cher
and Michelle Pfeiffer are reportedly
teaming up to make Tabloids, a comedy
about a reporter and a celebrity. .... As
of now, Oliver Stone is still trying to
decide who will be ig in his Doors
hlm bio, Jim Morrison or actor Val Kilmer.
You'll know this spring when the movie
is released. . . . Madonna is making a
documentary of her Blond Ambition
tour that will include interviews and
behind-the-scenes footage
executor of the Jimi Hendrix estat
looking for the right script to do him
Justice to the late guitarist. . . hoel
Schiffer, who wrote the movie Lean on
Me, is working on the script for the New
Kids on the Blocks first feature film.
Afier his movie The Five Heartbeats
comes out next month, Robert Townsend
and the four othe tors who make
up the mythical Heartbeats plan to do
concerts.

NEWSEREAKS: Stevie Ray Vaughan fans
who wish to make a contribution in thc
guitarists name may send a check to the
Stevie Ray Vaughan Charitable Funds
f the Com Foundation. of.
as, 4605 Li „Dallas 75204. .
The music from all those old Ed Sullivan
shows that is ci
could ev ally fil
albums. ... Have you heard of the con-
cept album put together by the Alan Par-
sons Project called Freudiuna? Inspired
by guess who, it has already been staged.
. Maurice Starr

The

(creator of ihe New Edition, New Kids,
Perfect Gentlemen, ct al.) wants to make

Boston the Motown of the Nineties. He
plans to call his new record company
i -Dol

A Cappella, Spike Lee's special that aired
n PBS fall, has spun off into a
ideo and a sound-track album. . . .
Now that the Simpsons have an album,
expect to see toons cropping up evel
where Case in point: Paula Abdul's
friend the animated feline Seot Cot is
doing a prime-time network special
with a posse of ch ers. And speak-
ing of Paula, besides her upcoming
album, she is developing a feature:
length musical to be shot this year...
We have Rock & Roll Confidential wo
thank for keeping us focused on cen-
sorship issues as well as an occasional
state or local law that's, well, just plain
nuts. This months e Us a Break
Award goes to the Montgomery, Ala-
bama, city council, which. passed an
ordinance making legal to play
music in a car if it can be heard five feet
away You're going to be in trouble if
your boom box can be heard ten feet
away Weve told you before. but you
need to be reminded: For a vear's sub-
ption to R & R Confidential, send a
check or money order for $24 to Box
1305, Los Angeles 90034. . . . Finally.
this is a good idea: They're rapping at
Rahway—state prison, that is. Inmates
at the New Jersey institution may be
releasing their own rap record, thanks
10 entrepreneur — Fonkenklein, who
helped break such groups as De La Soul,
Run-DMC, Public Enemy and Queen Letifah.
Funkenklein hopes to put the Rehway
Lifers on vinyl [or Hollywood Basic, the
rap label he's starting for E

BARBARA NEL

STYLE

GANGLAND CHIC

How do you dress a gangster? Very carefully, but with plenty of
Hash and dash—just as you would in real life. halian-born cos-
tume designer Milena Canonero, who already has two Oscars un-
der her belt for Barry Lyndon and Chariots of Fire, is an odds-on
n 1990 for her costume work on Dick Tracy and
The Godfather Part HI. In the latter, you'll sec
senior mafioso Al Pacino (pictured here)
dressed in Canon idea of what const
tes classic gangster garb—a dark, trim
fitting easted suit with wide
lapels, n-collared off-white shirt and a
patterned wide tie. “I tried to show how

[ money and lifestyle have af-
fected their choice of clothes,”
Canonero said. Many of the
suits in the movie were made by
and are available in the de-
Ys Beverly Hills and New
York stores. Richard Hornung
created the gangster look
Millers Crossing by dressing
ized coats, gloves
me of the hats were
and others arc by Dobbs, If

double

custom-made by Jay Lord Hatte
fashion designers take their cue from the movies, expect gang-
sterwear to be an off-screen hit—no gun intended.

WHISKY REBELLION

Single malts aren't the only Scotch wh
noisscurs. Super pre ing off
the shelves in top liqu dor airport duty-
free shops almost as fast as they're stocked. The
hallmarks of these new top-dollar whiskies are
elegance and age. Pinch, for
example, is offering Dimple
Royal Sovereign, a 21-year-old

5s being savored by con-

“New Scotch blend priced about
à bottle. From Johnni
blends are Walker comes John

Walker Oldest, an ex:

tional blend of. whiskies

from 15 to 60 years old

that is a replica of the
W:

elegant and

well aged.”

tasted circa 1850. Price
about $110. Bucha
anion
"s about $80 in a ceramic
offering a beautifully bal-
ecial reserve for about $20.

S T Y L

FORMALWEAR

RUNNING HOT AND COLD

ke it hot and oth-
spots to whet either

When it comes to great winter get
ers get a thrill fro
appet

c. + Anguil
favorite among se-
worshipers.
ibbean island
is said to have some
of the worlds best
beaches. Check out
the Cap Juluca re
with is 30 luxury
rooms and suites and
179 acres ol private
beach front. * Cabo
San Lucas: Home of
Van Halen's new club.
Cabo Wabo, this Mex-
ican resort is located
at the southernmost

VIEWPOINT

“1 always wear things that are a

tle different,” says Michael Bendet-
ti, the 23-year-old
actor who plays
officer Tony "Mac"
McCann, the new

face on the force on
TV5 21 Jump Street.
“When | go to a par-
ty, VII put together a

bright rayon shirt, a
mustard jacket, black
pants and suede
boots—always cow-
boy boots.” Bendetti
says he started wear-
ing cowboy boots in high school,
before they were popular. “My
friends asked me, ‘Why the hell are
you wearing those things?” because
no one else did at the time. Now,
five years later, they're in fashion.”

Heli-ski to the Mon-
ashees, Selkirks and
Bugaboos in scarch ol
virgin powder. + Nep-
tune Beach, Flori-
da: Combine sun with pseudo snow fun at Mount Aqua East.
water-sport store with a 15 x 28" revolving ski deck for athlete
who prefer their H.O frozen

PUTTIN’ ON THE HITS

* some clas-

country’s hottest clubs would spin till that
inevitable call... Deejay Keoki of the
New York Limelight’s Disco 2000: French
Kiss, LiL Louis: Situation, Yaz; Heart of Glass,
nd Strangelove, Depeche Mode.

¿hicago's Shelter: Back
lo Life Soul 1 Soul; Flash Light, Parliament
I'm Every Woman, Chaka Khan: and Strings of
Life, Rhythim Is Rhythim De hawn
Willms of Los Angeles’ Bar One: Atomic Dog,
ge Clinton; Play That Funky Music, Wild
ot to Be Real, Cheryl Lynn; and I
Wanna Be Your Lover, Prince. For the over-10
crowd, theres always Sinatra Swings on CD.

TUXEDO STYLES

Double breasted, show! or pecked lapels
contrasting dinner jacket, especially whi

Tails (except for weddings ond white
uniform “waiter” looks

SHIRTS

ACCESSORIES

tone-on-tone pattern,
wing collars still strong, French cuffs only;
narrow pleated or Jacquard bib front

Vest (waistcoat) or unmatched cummei
bund; slightly larger, rounder bow ties;
matte-gold Romanesque looks in jewelry

Colored or boldly striped;
ruffled fronts and cuffs; any buttons—
studs and cuff links a must

Clownlike bow-tie-and-cummerbund sets;
ony tie left undone; plastic
“freebie” studs and pink cornations

SOFTWARE

THERE ARE those among us who are mad for
computers: nerds, technoids, techies, tech-
nocrats, byteheads, hackers—people who
refer to foot traffic as “sneakernet.” There

re those among us who are slick with a
mouse or play a mean keyboard but still
look upon the computer as a means not

n end. But unless you're computer phobic
or dead, there's some kind of software d
will satisfy your needs or your whims
We'd like to share with you some ol our fa-
vorite wares—some that have been around
for a while that we're just discovering or
rediscovering and some brand-new elec-
tronic wizardry

Poor Larry Laller. He lives in a tropical
paradise, but his love life is strictly Arct
Circle. His beautiful wife, Kalalau, has
dumped him for an Amazonian Harley-
ng cannibal lesbian slot machine. re-
pairwoman. So begins Leisure Suit Larry and
Possionote Potti in Pursuit of the Pulsoting Pec-
torals (Sierra, $59.95), a game for IBM PCs
and compatibles. In this third Leisure Suit
Larry adventure, our polyester-clad hero is
once again a swinging single in scarch of
companionship. Unfortunately, Larry's not
exactly a hot prospect. He's in the midst of
a messy divorce, he's out of shape and,
whats worse, hes low on funds. You can
help him aut hy finding a hidden credit
card, dressing him up as a native and hav-
ng him hawk sou rs on the beach. The
game is loaded with trashy jokes and pi
up lines, and the scenery is excellent.
There's a casino, a health club.
and, of course, a beach. But don't let Larry
go swimming: He may melt. The water isa
dumping ground for industrial waste.
Midway through the game, theres an in-
teresting twist. Ty meets ji pianist
Patti, and from then on, you can become
Patti and play the game from a females
perspective. Will Larry find the woman of
his dreams? Will he sweat off his mid-life
paunch? And, morc important, will he dis
cover wool blends?

105 Monday mor
going to the office is
going ten rounds with Buster Doug
you have no choice, You have to wor
the Getrich contract. Your ent
hinges on it. If you've invested in two
copies of Carbon Copy Plus (Microcom, $199
cach), you can have another cup of coffee,
leave the car in the garage and the tie in
the closet. Carbon Copy gives you access to
everything in your office machine from
your home keyboard. One copy goes in
your office PC (the “host” computer), the
other in your home PC (the st" com-
puter). The two stations don't have to be
identical—one side can have a Hercules
board and the other a VGA, one can be an
IBM and the other a clone. Both comput-

g and the thought of
about as appealing as
But
on

PGM 06832-5.

MAA

Love at first byte:
computer programs
that do it all.

ers must, of course, have modem hook-
ups. It takes some effort to get the setup
working properly, but it's well worth it.
E

Andrew Tobia$ Managing Your Money
(MECCA Software, $990) will keep track
of your personal finances and remind you
10 buy flowers on your anniversary, to boot.
It calculates neat little permutations in in-
vesiment strategies so you can see what
your options are. For example, a $125,000
mortgage at ten percent interest will cost
you $241,786 il vou make monthly pay-
ments of $1343 over a 15-year period.
Push a key and Tobias will show you that
if you make a payment of $672 ever
two weeks instead, the total comes t
$219,623—a saving of $22,163 over the
lifetime of the loan. Managing Your Money
has been around for a while, but c;
version is a little slicker, a little more com-
prehensive than the last.

All spreadsheets and no joy sticks make
k a dull boy, But if Space Invaders
doesn't do it for you, try the game with a

h new

able for both the PC and the M

As “High Commissioner of the Environ
ment,” you can levy taxes on the bad stuff,
such as pesticides, and subsidize the good
stuff, such as solar research. When your
tactics result in. benefits to the cnviron-
ment, you get points. Tinker around with
no real understanding of the big picture,
however, and before too long, you can
cause glol warming, decimate the

gene pool and put the Statue of Liberty

nder water.

.
For the advanced techy who has a com-
puter with a CD ROM drive, a great selec-
tion of reference CDs is available from
Quanta Press, Inc, 2550 University Av-
enue West, Suite 245N, Saint Paul, Minne-
5114. The CIA World Foct Book ($129) is
the Governments own world almanac
produced annually by the CIA" and it's the
perfect software for salesmen, politicians
and spies. The Sporting News ($129) con-
tains a vast number of baseball statistics
and more than 130 photographs of play
ers. Everything you ever wanted to know
about the Vietnam war is contained on USA
Wars: Vietnam ($129). The name, rank, age
and home town of every soldier on the
Vietnam Memorial wall is included, along
with the location on the wall itself. Wheeler.
Quick Art ($249) contains 2200 pieces of
clip arı that you can electronically cut and
paste into your documents. And, finally,
About Cows ($29.95), bv Sara Rath, cap-
tured our interest vith wonderlully esoter-
ic information. As we browsed through it,
we learned a great slogan written fora con-
densed-milk company to promote the con-
venience of canned milk: “No tits to pull,
no tail to twitch, just punch a hole in the
son of a bitch." All are available in either
Macintosh or DOS format, with the excep-
tion uf AlwutCvan, whichcomesunly in DOS.
.

Jack Nicklaus’ Unlimited Golf & Course De-
sign (Accolade, $59.95) for IBM PC and
compatible computers truly is the next best
thing t0 being there. Designed under the
direction of the Golden Bear himself, this
amazing program blends exceptional
graphics with realistic sound ellects, giv-
ing vou a real feel for the game. Slice the
ball out of the Fairway and hear it shake the
tree branches. Listen as it splashes into
the water. And watch the sand scatter as
your shot lands in the traps. (All of these
shots, by the way, can be viewed in instant
replay) Go a few rounds by yourself, with
friends or create a foursome from the
games list of country-chub members. If
u're feeling especially competitive, you
can even challenge Jack. Unlimited Golf
play includes two courses— The Bears
Track, an ocean-front I8-hole course, and
Muirfield Village, a re-creation of the
Nicklaus-designed course and site of the
nual Memorial Tournament. When you
tire of the built-in courses, you can create
your own. Choose from coastal, suburban

r mountainside land plots and an invento-
ry of background objects, including wate
hills, rocks, houses, trees and, of cours
sand. Feeling artistic? Color the back-
ground, using the sophisticated paint pro-
5 or create your own objects. Ou
Creation was an ice-cold brew after a grudi
18 nine holes, Didit taste great, but it was
less filling.

To experience
Lagerfeld PHOTO,
open this panel
and stroke your
wrist on fold.

KODAK FILM

os in on a man,

new fragranc
sensuality

rfeld PHOTO is the
id a camera.
nt. It has the

Lage
a woman, an'

By DIGBY DIEHL

wuars comc on here? The thinking man:
collec-table book? This year, there is a wel-
come change in the annual outpouring of

those big holiday gift books. Instead of just
presenting striking images in dramatically
designed oversized formats. many of the
best new picture books have genuine
content.

For example, one of the most beautiful
picture books of the season, Angkor
(Houghton Mifflin), by Michael Freeman
and Roger Warner, is also a fascinating re-
port by the first Western photojou
team in almost 20 years to be allowed into
Angkor Wat in the heart of Cambodia,
Freeman and Warner conjure the aesthetic
and spiritual values of the world’s largest
religious monument and place this con-
temporary exploration in a historical con-
text

The stunning photographs of Galen
Rowell are similarly well matched. with a
thoughtful and revealing text by the Mth
a in My Tibet (University of Cali-
His Holiness never wavers from
his principles of peace and compassion as
he recalls the devastation wreaked on his
homeland in 30 years of occupation by the
Chinese. Tom Tur not quite such a
pacifist in Wild by Law (Sierra Club) as he
describes the Sierra Clubs Legal Defense
Fund's 20-year battle with lumber compa-
nies, developers and the US. Department
of the Interior to preserve American
wildlife. The 120 color photographs by
Carr Clifton of places the club has saved
are cloquent testimony to the importance
of this continuing effort

Nature photography is a
ture-book subject, and the d
shots of adventurers rafting on such rive
as the Rio Grande, the Rogue, the Color:
do and the Chattooga make Whitewater Ad-
venture (Thunder Bay), by Richard Bangs,
one of the most exciting books on any-
body's coffee table, wild Ice (Smithsoni-
an), by Ron N; n Monteath, T
De Roy and Mark. Jones, vividly evokes the
uty of Antarctica's icy mounta
otic animal life. The world-wide
crisis of rain-forest destruction has
occasioned two equally compelling photo-
graphic studies: Vanishing Paradise (Over-
look), photography by Stephen Dalton and
George Bernard and text by Andrew
Mitchell, and The Rainforests (Chronicle),
compiled by The
tion

African Ark (Abr:
and Angela Fishe
most gorgeously produced and designed
book of the year. Recording a five-y
journey through Ethiopia and the Horn of
Africa, this is an extraordinary immersion
in ancient cultures and customs, with an
informative text. by aham Hancock.

Books that decorate—and more.

Stumped by holiday
shopping? Try your.
local bookstore.

African Canvas (Rizzoli), photographed by
Margaret Couriney-Clarke, capiures the
brilliant colors of West African wall paint-
ings and artifacts. In another felicitous
pairing of text and pictures, Jan Morris
writes with her customary evocative elo-
quence about the "kingdom of un-
certainty” in accompaniment to Paul
Wakefield's magnificent. photographs in
Ireland (i son N. Potter). Australia: The
Four-Billion-Year Journey of a Continent
(Facts-on-File), by Reg and Maggie Mor-
rison, traces the natural history of this vast
island continent through rem: ble dis-
coveries in geolog cology. A
tasteful and artistic reflection of Mediter-
ranean style in art, di 1 and food is Sara.
Midda's South of France (Worl

Iwo new picture books
Americans are curiously appropı
panion volumes. Native American Portraits
(Chronicle), by Na
historical photographs from Kurt Koeg-
ler’s collection dating from 1862 to 1918.
The grim faces in these duotone prints
contrast strikingly with the colorful pre
sentation of contemporary American Ind:

breed, M
tive Am
ing appr
War bulls have a bonanza in the
joint publication of Memoirs and Selected
Letters, by Ulysses 5. Grant, and Memoirs, by

William Tecumseh Sherman (both pub-
lished by Library of America), as well as an
impressive companion volume to the nine-
part PBS-TV series, The Civil War: An Ius-

ry (Knopf), by Geoffrey C.
ns and Ken Burns.

In keeping with this years victory ol
substance over style, even sports picture
books are filled with ve 1EXL. The
Super Bowl: Celebrating a Quarter-Century of
America's Greatest Game (Simon & Schus-
ter), with a forward by Pete Rozelle, offers
knowledgeable pl
along with complete stats and three-page
foldout illustrations for cach game. Gome
ant), produced by
Rich Clarkson, captures the excitement of
college football weekends across the coun-
h dramatic photos and thc talents of
writers such as David Halberstam, Frank
Conroy Richard Hoffer and Willie Morris.
Ace mystery writer Robert B. Parker has
teamed up y
funny and insightful chronicle of some
race-track expense accounting in A Year at

Wilfrid Sheed lends a touch of class and
intelligence to a rogue’s gallery of close-up
portraits (y g one of Pete Rose)
in The Face of Baseball (Thomasson-Grant),
h photographs by John Weiss. Gene
Schoors The History of the World Series
(Morrow) practically goes pitch by pitch,
anecdote by anecdote through every
championship game from 1903 to 1989.
Schoor re-creates the fervor of the games
and provides a Trivial Pursuit lover's bun-
in the appendix.

y lea of sports has more to do
ith tying feathers and fur to a hook, then
Steven J. Meyers’ Streamside Reflections
(Thunder Bay) is the perfect gift. Mevers
stories about fly-fishing for trout and
salmon in the world's best st id riv-
ers are illustrated with some fine nai
photography. A more ext
of great fishing ph
hing literature
An Angler's Album (Rizzoli), by CI
H. Traub, with an introduction by Cha
Kuralt. The book for sailors 15 Maxi: The UI-
timate Racing Experience (Concepts). Author
Preben Nyeland explores every aspect of
the biggest sailboats that race under the
maximum IOR rule, from hull design to

nsive collection
nd classic

For a book that takes full advantage of
the big coffee. nat, take a look at
Epic! Histery on the Big Screen (Abrams), by
Baird Searles. All your favorite spectacu
lar scenes (Ben Hur's chariot race. the Bat-
tle of Waterloo, Lawrence doing his thing
100, in impressively
sharp production stills. The Look of Horror:
Scary Moments from Scary Movies (Courage),
by Jonathan Sternfield, is perfect for the
Stephen King fans in your family—af only

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because several of the movies included are
based on his novels. Sternheld dutifully
synopsizes 70 horror-movie plots while try-
ing not to snicker, and many of the stills
are wonderfully gruesome. No such prob-
lem with Great Hollywood Westerns
(Abrams), by Ted Sennett. This richly nos.
talgic tribute to America’s love affair with
the Old West is asc and enter
ing as the cowboy films themselves. The ti-
tle-page spread of Duke Wayne from The
Horse Soldiers (1950) is worth the price.
The 35th anniversary of James Dean's
death has occasioned two pictorial biogra-
phies. James Dean: Shooting Star (Double-
day) by Barney Hoskyns, has the
advantage of many remarkable photo-
graphs from the James Dean Museum in
Deans home town, Fairmount, Indiana,
and a solid analytical text by Hoskyns.
However, the photographs, studio memos,
telegrams and letters from the Warner
Bros. archives edited by Leith Adams and
Keith Bı
(Birch Lane) are a fabulous discovery.
What went on around Dean at the studi
during the making of his only thre
films—East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause
and Grant—is revealed in riveting detail.
Anyone who still doesn't believe that
cars are sex objects should get a copy of
Porsche: The Fine Art of the Sports Car (1 hun-
der Bay). by Lucinda Lewis. From that first
Porsche 356 prototype in 1948 to the sleek
911 ot I
automobiles development in. voluptuous
color pictures. Although the pedigree of
the Nissan/Datsun Z car goes back only to
1969, Ben Millspaugh justifies the exuber-
ant title of his new book, Z Car: A Legend in
Its Own Time (TAB), with a fascinating his-
tory. Car enthusiasts will not want to miss
the parade of forgotten. prototypes. and
unused design innovations in Cars Detroit
Never Built: 50 Years of American Experimen-
tal Cars (Sterling), by Edward Janicki.
Some relreshingly original atlases also
grace the holiday shelves. Gearing up for
1he Columbus quincentennial, The Explorer
World Atlas (Rand McNally) documents 500
years of world exploration with 128 pages
of detailed, full-color maps and historica
xt. Professor Pascal Ribercau-Gayon
takes us on the oenologist's dream tour in

ns in James Dean: Behind the Scene

), Lewis lovingly chronicles the

The Wines and Vineyards of France: A Com-
plete Atlas and Guide ( Viking), with a fore-
word by Robert M. Parker. Vietnam: The
Decisive Battles (Macmillan), by John Pim-
fou, as a lucido battle-by-battle military
analysis of the war, with amazing three-
dimensional computer-generated maps of
battle sites and troop movement
ally. just so vou know we're well on
ties, guess what is the
top title from the distinguished interna-
art-book publisher Rizzoli. Its an
gin, all dancin’ pictorial on Ami
ca's favorite new rock group thats so hot
you can feel the beat ol the music: New Kids

on the Block!

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Whitney Houston: lm Faith No More: The Real Neison: After The Rain

Your Baby Tonight Thing (Reprise) 63719 (06C)74078
(Arita) 10063 ‘Travis Tritt: Country Club Keith ; Greatest
Jane's Addiction: Ritual (Warner Bros ) 60194 Hits (RCA) 10726

lo Habit En Vogue: Born To Sing Dionne Warwick Sings
Tros daD, (Atlantic) 14187 Cole Porter Arsia) 53926
Clint Black: Killin’ Time Cher: Heart Of Stone. Kentucky Headhunters:
cay one (Getter) 42874 Pickin On Nashville

(Mercury) 24740

Best of Eric Clapton:

Time Pieces (Polydor) Lita Ford: Stiletto (ACA)
En D
pee pes
Bere Keeper (A&M) Down (RCA) 00531
Eric Clapton:
pM MN LT Ge
Duet ties Esas
porn ee OR. [os iere Hits
Pope i Space ot
(Pace 08392 Norrington: Beethoven,
n Bon lazo Pat Metheny: Question Symphony No. 9 (Choral)
DOCU MEE rr s
Bell Biv De Voe: Poison. Mili m paw eos Cycles.
MON oer Moos Te re) y sob TM
ij E
o O A
one Fiche
Tommy James & The ‘Traveling Wilburys: Vol
re mae Eng Maine) Ro
(Rhino) 44185 Bryan Adams: Reckless Lud FM Non
Ace ehem PRAES M
[rd teen
Huey aws& Thenews: Genre en se)

Don Henley: The End Of
The Innocence (Gellen)
1064

Eagles: Grealest Hits.
Vol. 1 (Asylum) 23481

Sports (Chrysalis) 4
Harper Brothers:
Remembrance (Verve)
14096

Fleetwood Mac: Behind

8 — 0307

ern reads

a T
ThetightOn(RCa)orm — ine Mask (Warner Bios.)
Soul Il Soul: Vol. 11-1990-A. Garth Brooks (Capitol

LED gico

Aliman Bros. Band: Eat A
Peach (Polydor) 63353

Glenn Miller Orch.: In The
Olgital Mood (GAP) 43293

Damn Yankees (Warner =
Bros.) 14852

pec Sawyer Brown: Greatest
SETS cain tapeo NM

a = rin Brooks: No Fences
Kenny G: Live (Aisia) Dino: Swingin’ (Island) (Capitol) 73266
6450: fm The Garin Story
U2: Rattle And Hum Gemet! Dead; Bult To (AICO) 62521
are) 00506 Last (Arista) 72230 ¡a
Barry Manilow: LiveOn Air Supply- Greatest Hits Collection O Hits
Broadway (Arista) 24805 (Arata) 34424. (Mercury) 10791

TWIN Doubio the music

Arne Murray: Greatest
Hits (Capto! 63530.
Vixen: Rev It Up ENT)

‘The Wo: Who's Better,
Who's Best (MCA) 00790
The Beach Boys: Made ln

snwoll: 16 Greatest
Hits (MCA) 13453
‘Suzanne Vega: Oays Ot

U.S.A. (Capitol) 641. TIN Open Hand (A&M)
Simon & Garfunkel: The ro Gyra: Fast Forward Loveless: Honky
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E pom E EAR
mE en Dm
A luere MEME MN
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Poison: Flesh 8 Blood Neil Young: Ragged Heart: Brigade (Capitol)
(Capitol) 50207 Glory (Fepnse) 34621 64305

Boggie Down Pretty Woman; Joe Cocker: Live!
Productions: Soundtrack (EMI) 34631 {Capito} 00529

Edutainment (Jive)63675 pod Stewart's Greatest Tears For Fears: The

Guys Next Door (SBK) Hits (Warner Bros.) 33779 Seeds Ot Love (Fontana)
54272 Tanya Tucker: Tennessee 33653

Kenny Ropes Greatest MMC 20MM Dolar

Fits (er soos Mono Lana. The Great Memories OF Ihe 50s &
me e Coombs Thing. Caruso (RCA) 80259 "605 | en 20773 e
(Repnse) Wir (Atlantic) 00830 Horowitz At Home (OG)
pesce plis 2528

Hits (Warner Bros.) 00796 jenn Hat Staten Fifth Dimension:
Patsy Cine. t2Greest Boa aecargnge retest ANS ÓN Earth
Pats on sodas Birg/Oncinal Recordings — (Arcanos

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Dioso Hua Addictions (island) 10819

Marcus Roberts: Deep In
The Shed (Novus) 73646
Sandi Patti: The Finest
Moments (Viorc) 24761
Atlantic Records Mit

Cronicles (Island) 13450.

pd
Saare oen
Teather fo,
Carly Simon: My album of you on:
‘Romance (Arista) 24824 E + after hai
Freroungcennmats: Y your istyeat o meme n.
Cooked (1..S ) 01068.

the prite of one
Grrty Dancing’ =; Hits for the pr
Soundtrack (ACA) 82522 Enjoy

Bon Jovi: New Jersey
pew arias
mean
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The Best Of Johnny
ala
ene aes
Ss
Technotronic: Pump Up
Ww

«spon nanan tet t e

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Start With Hits Now! Yes, startwithany
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Cinderella: Long Cold
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Raney vis: No Hota Mi YES, please accept my membership in the BMG Musc Service and send my frst four selections as }
Back (ame Bos) Fave indicated hore, under tho terms of this olor | need buy just one more hit at regular Cub prices

curing the next year-alter which I can choose another album FREE! In addition, as a member in good
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price of one...with nothing more to buy, ever! (A shipping handing charge is added to each shipment.)

© SEND MY SELECTIONS ON (check one any): | | COMPACT DISCS** [7 CASSETTES
© lam most interested in the following type of music-but | am always free to choose from any category
neck one on
en EASY LISTENING resumen VosiMocdn) 21] COUNTRY
31) HARD ROCK 4| POP'SOFT ROCK 51) CLASSICAL
© RUSH ME THESE HITS NOW (indicate by number)

bargain prices. In all. you'll have 19 convenient,
shop-al-home opportunities a year. And as a
member in good standing, you need nol send
money when you order. we'll bill you later.

Its Easy To Get Your Favorite Hits! If you want
the Featured Selection, do nothing. ILwili be
sent to you automatically. If you went other hits,
or none at all, just say so on the card always
provided... and mail it back to us by the date

specified. You'll always have at least 10 days to enn - ] "

decide. Bul if you don't. you may return your MS. LII LI [II PLEASE PAT
Featured Selection at our expense. Cancel your Address Apt

membership by Writing to us Whenever you Wish E

upon completing ycur enrollment agreement. LA. SUM Zw —
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Continental USA only Dne membership per family. Local taxes. any. wil De added.

MEN

I hereby declare 1991 the year when
we finally ask women if they are s
ive enough for ust Yes, men, it is now
time to tura the question around. What
follows is a sensitivity quiz for the wom-
an in your lile. See how she scores. If she
chooses anything but the last option in
any of these examples, she is an insensi-
tive broad who owes you a lot of loving.
And she had better start to repay you
right now. Even as you read!

1. You and your wife are at parents’
night at your child's grade school. You
have had a long day at your office and
are not as alert as you might bc. But
your child's home-room teacher is a vi-
vacious blonde woman with Deborah
Norville lips and incredible legs, and
suddenly, you feel an amazing jolt of en-
gy. “Boy.” you say to yourself as you
nd your wile climb into your car
after the meeting, “I wish I'd had a
teacher like that when I was in school
I'd never have gone home." Your wife
overhcars you and she

A. Hits you upside the la
purse.

B. Calls you an insensitive, sexist pig.
gets out of the car and walks home
Rolls down the window and prays
for the Spirit of the Arctic to attack
your groin and testicle

D. Says, "UI get you her phone num-
ber tomorrow, honey, but in the
meantime, how about a blow job?

2. You have identified a perfect flag
formation on the bar chart you are keep-
ing of the Standard & Poor's 500. On
several occasions, you have almost fol-
lowed your convictions, but at the last
moment, your courage has failed you.
Now, convinced that the stock market i
about to make a major move, you invest
your savings in an S&P position that
quickly deteriorates. The margin calls
wipe out your savings. When you tell
your woman, she

A. Hits you upside the head with her
brass knuckles.

B. Answers all phone calls at home
for the next year by saying. “Don-
ald Trump's residence: profit is our
only motive."

C. Has her attorney send you a bill for
ihe money you lost with the
suggestion that the IRS may be
interested in your entertainment
deduci

D. Smiles graciously, rips off your
clothes, makes fierce love 10 you,

ad with her

By ASA BABER

THE FEMALE-
SENSITIVITY QUIZ

then says, “Money doesn't matter,
darling, and | couldn't care less

that you gambled with our savings

and lost, because you're hung like

a horse and that's all that counts.”

3. You and your woman are on a vaca-
tion cruise, traveling first class on an el-
egant luxury liner. The two of you are
attending a formal dinner in honor of
the ship's captain, but you are not at
your best. I has been a long and bor-
ing journey, you are sunburned and
overfed and irritable, you hate dressing
up and, on this particular evening, you
have consumed too many drinks. Sud-
denly, something inside you snaps. You
drunkenly insult the woman sitting next
to you by suggesting that she has great

melons and you'd like to conduct a

ripeness test. Then you tell the captain

that he couldn't navigate his way out of

a bathtub. Finally, you throw up in the

punch bowl, call your steward a terror

ist, then moon the entire dining room as
security drags you away Back in your
eroom, your woman

A. Hits you upside the head with a life
preserve.

B. Informs you that she
sleeping with both the captain and
the steward, that they are great
lovers and that your imbecilic be-
havior has hurt her reputation.

C. Agrees with the ship's physician

sta

has been

that putting you into a strait jacket

and preparing you for a continu-

ous Librium LV. and electroshock

treatments is a fine solution

iles graciously, says. “There,
there, into every life a litle rain
must fall," and climbs into bed to
hold you and rock you to sleep
with your favorite lullaby.

4. Yon and your boss are on the golf
course at his country club. This is a first.
He is a respectable golfer and you are
honored to be invited. Rumor has it ac
the office that if your boss golfs with you.
he promotes you. But, as luck would
have it, this is one of your awkward days.
You slice every drive, you four-putt ev-
ery green, vou hold up play when you
lose sight of your ball, you forget to
laugh at his jokes and you forget to re-
place your divots. Worse, when he asks
your advice about business, he seems
distinctly ur
swers. Then, as the two of you are head-
ing for the clubhouse, you take a turn
too fast and the golf cart tips over. Your
boss is thrown onto the gravel and
breaks his hip. In your haste to make
amends, you start to drag him toward
the putting green. He screams in agony.
You drop him. causing him even greater
pain. You ny to lift the golf cart back in-
to an upright position, but it slips and
falls and breaks your boss's arm. You
“You're
me and tell

mpressed with your an-

finally decipher his screams:
fired!” Forlornly, you go he
your woman the bad news, and she

A. Hits you upside the head with her

three wood.

B. Turns pale, screams, “Oh, no, 1
love him so and I must be with him
in his moment of pain,” and runs
out the door.

Calls in the children and says, “See
Daddy? Do you know what he ist
He's a total failure. Remembi
kids, you don't want to be like Dad:
dy. You don't want to fail. Daddy's
going to be a homeless person now.
Wave goodbye to Daddy, kids."
D. Smiles brightly, fixes you a mint
julep. wipes your brow with her
nties and dives for your fly while
she says. “Honey, it’s tee ume at
the old rancho, so let's get out
your driver and shoot us a round.

Remember—you have feelings and

you're sensitive. But what about herz

È
8
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5
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Don't Be Square.

Buy a round of Chivas for your friends in our complimentary holiday un.
Visit your retailer or call 1-800-238-4373 to send a gift of Chivas anywhere in thc U.S. Void where prohibited.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

True to the spirit of the legendary artist and cowboy Charles M. Russell, the
Mariboro Country Store iS proud to offer.a aumbered, limited edition silver lighter
that is itself a work of art-Inspired by Russell's legendary lithograph “A Bad Hoss;

the sculpture and case have been crafted from solid sterling silver, and the works are —
classic Zippo? A lifetime guarantee and a soft leather carrying case will keep this
legend as timeless as the man who inspired it. One Hundred Dollars.

lf order form is missing, you can stil order your Marlboro Sterling Silver Lighter. To receive an Ofer
address to: Marlboro Sterling Silver Lighter, 2727 O'Neil Avenue, Cheyenne, WY 82001, Offer expires 7/31/91
of age or older. No facsimiles accepted,

Toy wonder Francis Goldwyn
has a new idea that's
150 million years old.

He also prefers
Christian Brothers Brandy.

Founder, The Manhattan Toy Co., Ltd
Prehistoric and modern toys.
Last year’s sales: $5,000,000.

Christian Brothers

When you know better.

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Where was à quiz in a recent USA 1
that was supposed to test sexual lite
One of the questions asked how long it
took for sperm to reach an egg, The cor-

rect answer was five minutes. How can this
bei—W s Angeles, California

A sperm cell can swim about as fast as an
average cross-town bus—it doesnt have all
that far lo go, and it makes no local stops. So,
yes, your little speed freak on steroids can
make it to the egg in about five minutes, Now,
is that really the correct answer? We won-
dered if it look into account the time for din-
ner and a movie. And isn't the politically
correct answer “Never u're all sup-
posed to be wearing condoms? We also started
ed at.
Did some guy in a lab coat have sex by pene-
trating his partner in view of a radar gun?
ds this the start of a new Olympic event, simi-
lar to the one described by Mark Twain in
“The Jumping Frog of Calaveras County."
only smaller? Will there be a distance event?
As far as your own planning, the more mpor-
tant finding is that sperm can live eight days
inside a woman—a window of opportunity
that renders the rhythm method useless.

since

wondering haw this figure was arri

The read that most visitors to a nation
park spend less than three hours there. T
would like to pl ight trips for
How docs onc gu
Eve heard that some parks are
so crowded you have to get reservations.
Whats the scoop?— T. O., Dallas. “Texas.

Would you believe Ticketron? You can ve-
serve campsites for tents, trailers and RVs via
computer starting right weeks in advance of
a visil. So two months before your trip, stand
m line behind the Deadhead with all the ecol-
ogy buttons on his denim jackel and request
a piece of the earth. Tichetron handles the
following parks (Acadia National Park,
Assateague Island National Seashore, Cape
Hatteras National Seashore, Grand Canyon
National Park, Great Smokey Mountains
National Park, Joshua Tree National Monu-
ment, Ozark National Scenic. Riverway,
Rocky Mountam National Park, Sequoia
and Kings Canyon National Parks, Shenan-
doah National Park, Whiskeytown National
Recreation Area, Yellowstme National Parks
and Yosemite National Park). Depending on
the park, the maxımum stay is between seven
and H days. If there is no Ticketron outlet
near yon, you can make reservations by mail
(write to Ticketron, PO. Box 62429, Vir
inia Beach, Virginia 23462) or call the
"icketron Automated Information Number
212-399-4444.

WM, girttriend and 1 like to experiment
with sex aids. I have brought her to orgasm
by touching her clitoris with ice cube:
dles (unlit), feathers, paintbrushes,
of fruit (which I subsequently consumed)
and, most recently, Q- T d with
oil or hand lotion. l've run a silk scart

me ove:

lightly between her legs. A string of beads
works just as well. Have I left anything
oul W A., Portland, Oregon
Yes. The rest of her body. Try a full-body
massage, with hot oil. When she is fully re-
laxed, touch her clitoris with your penis.
You'll be surprised at the sensation. If you
want to explore massage, order “Playboys Art
of Sensual Massage” ($20) or “Secrets of
EuroMassage’ (830) from Playboy Products,
PO. Box 1554, Elk Grove Village, Illinois
60009-1554, or call S00-345-6066.

V just inherited an old Porsche from my
grandfather. It runs great but could usc a
new coat of paint, Eve found places that
charge a few hundred to a few thousand
dollars. Why the discrepancy?— R. R.. Ar-
lanta, Georgi

If vou just want someone lo spray on paint.
leave the car parked in an urban area. The
paint jobs that cost a few hundred dollars are
only slightly better than graffiti. Before you
put down the dough, ask the dealer to go step
by step over the procedure. Cheap outfits will
mask windows and bumpers with tape and
simply spray on synthetic enamel. Better
outfits will take as long as SO hours prepar
ing the car—removing wax, sanding,
pounding out dings and ripples, filling the
more serious flaws. They will sand the old
finish ox, if necessary, take it right down lo
the metal. The craftsmen will apply and wet
sand a primer coat, then attack any imperfec:
tions. It should be as smooth as the proverbial
babys bottom—only then will the top coats
take on that liquid sheen. The final factor
that affects cost: the type of paint. Look for an
acrylic enamel or a catalyzed acrylic enam-
el—worth the cast. Before you spend a dime,
consider a complete restoration, Talk with

ILLUSTRATION BY DENNIS MUKAI

your local Porsche-owners dub about good
mechanics and shops, as well as the sequence
of subprojects. This is an heirloom.

AA tient and recently were discussing
the worldly topic of women, which led to a
debate of who had most innovative
idea for a romantic evening. My friend
won, What he had done involved the cle-
ments of excitement, suspense and sur-
prise. He picked up his girlfriend without
previously discussing what they were go-
ing to do that night Next, he blindfolded
her and said he was going to do something
new. He drove back to his house and
parked the car in the garage, asked her to
wait a minute, gotout of the car and placed
a television set and a VCR (which had been
set up carlier) on the hood. They watched.
à romantic movie, | want to take this
step further Instead. of parking
garage, I'd go to a favorite secluded plac
But to do this, DA need either. battery-
operated equipment or some sort of device
that a TV and a VCR can plug into. Prefer
ably, Pd like a device that can work off my
car battery. Is there such a device or eve
a better way to watch a movie in a car?—
R. W. K., Washington, D.C
Yes, ify called a drive-in movie. We think
you need to go back to the drawing board. (We
assume thal youve thought of a Sony Watch-
man or a gasoline generator and ruled out
doing “Cone with the Wind" with hand pup-
pets) Check out the weekend rates for hotels
in D.C. Rent a room, stock it with cham-
pagne, fruit, presents (a nightgown or lin
gerie) and, if you really are a videophile, your
own VCR, Another idea: Hire a limousine to
drive you lo your secluded spot. In the trunk
will be a fold-out table, chairs, wine, glasses
and a picnic basket, and perhaps a servant.
Do it at the zoo and you can pretend you are
Robert Redford and Meryl Streep in "Oui of
Africa.” Hire a chef ov a catering service to
prepare a special meal for two al your house.
Romance seems to be a combination of spon-
laneity, privacy and class. Somehow, we
doubt that the sight of lawn tools and grease
spots worked jor your friend, but who knows?

Recently, 1 tried a very pleasing vodka
that tasted unmistakably of lemon. 1 be-
lieve ws a Scandinavian item. but don't
know the name. Do you know what it is
and whether it’s generally availablez—1 S.,
Cleveland. Ohio.

The vodka you're referring to sounds like
Absolut Citron, a fairly new import from
Sweden. 165 sold in better liquor shops in the
US. Stolichnaya Limonnaya, from the Soviet
Union, is a similar product. Uf you like, you
can produce a [emon-flavored vodka at home
with very little trouble. With a vegetable peel-
en remove the washed peel of a smooth-
skinned lemon; try to peel an unbroken spiral

PLAYBOY

How TO Tor
HiGH FINANCE.

"The Malcolm.

A unique, lightweight, crushdble
fine fur-felt hat. b.
Exclusively from. . . you know who.

The Wrong Driver Is About to Get a Ticket

(really, it isn't the policeman's fault)

Raaardisplaysa speed, but doesn't say whic
car it is clocking. Who gets the ticket Its a
guess—sometimes the wrong guess.

Our engineers have prepared a full report
on traffic radar, We feel every driver should
have a copy. It's just off the press, written in
plain English. Some of its conclusions may
startle you. If vou want one, it's yours free.

Why You Should Have This Report
Asa motorist, vou should know how radar
works...and why radar operators don't always
guess right Ifthey’re wrong just 1% of the time,
that’s 100,000 undeserved tickets each year

Call or write for your free report today

(At Cincinnati Microwave, we make Escort,
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[7

and take only the zest, or colored part, Pour
off about three ounces from a 750-milliliter
battle of vodka. Slide the peel spiral into the
bottle, replace the vodka and recap tightly
Start tasting after two days, When Ihe flavor
intensity is as you like it, fish out the peel and
enjoy the vodka. Great on the rocks, in punch-
es and with fruit juices.

WI, wife and recently atended a Victo
rian Ball. In order to have the tiny waist of
a Victorian woman, she bought a corset
Surprisingly for both of us, she found the
corset not uncomfortable and very erotic. |
helped her shop for it and insisted on one
that gave her a wasp waist but did not cover
her breasts or hips. She tried the corset be-
fore the ball to make sure she would not be
too uncomfortable, because | had to lace
her in fairly tightly in order for her to fit
into the dress. We had a wonderful time at
the ball. She looked so sexy I could not
keep my hands off her when we got home.
She still had her corset on when we started
to make love. She experienced multiple or-
gasms. which she described as the most in-
tense she had ever had. She explained that
the pressure from the corset increased the
intensity of the orgasms. Since then, we
have made love a number of times while
she wears the corset. Our usual approach
is for me to lace her in as tightly as 1 can
and then for us to go into a social situation
that we cannot casily leave, That allows
both of us to anticipate lovemaking. In ad-
dition, we found that she needs to wear the
corset for several hours in order to experi
ence the really intense orgasms. I have sev
eral questions: Do most women enjoy

wearing corsets? Is there a medical expla-
nation for such intense orgasms? Can the
corset harm her in any way?—L. D,
Boston, Massachusetts.

And we thought Scarlett wore them for the
18-inch waist. We don't know how many
women enjoy wearing corsels, bul we suspect
that the number will increase after they read
this letter. The only explanation we can offer
for the intense orgasms is that the corset is a
form of restraint, adding to the physical ten-
sion of sex (and the subsequent release). The
only harm we sec in this is the quest for social
situations from which you cannot easily leave.
What are those? Bowling? The opera? Din-
ner with your boss? But what the hey

enjoy.

One of my friends tikes io use an equal-
izer when taping old LPs. I've heard of an
equalizers improving playback, but never
recording. What is he up to?—E D,
Nashville, lennessec.

When music is converted to squiggles in the
grooves of an LP, certain sacrifices are made.
The bass is weakened and the treble boosted.
Most amplifiers automatically restore the bal-
ance on playback. Some LPs are beyond a
simple fix. If you think the bass is feeble, run
the signal through an equalizer, boosting the
range between 80 and 160 hertz. The other
ranges will not be affected. If you think the
track is too bright, try reducing the signal in

CRAZED
BRONX MAN
TACKLES TV
DURING
BIG GAME,
MISSES 4TH
QUARTER.

You know how it is. You're sitting there watching the game and you

get a little worked up. No harm done. Except, if you're seated in front a

of a 45'Pioneer Big-Screen. Then, you're faced with the reality of being 3
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glare at you, thanks to a non-reflective screen. It's all part of what

makes Pioneer the standard in the big-screen field.

Imagine, a big-screen television designed to overwhelm you with Q PIONEER’

brilliance, not bulk. What a game plan. Call 1-800-421-1404 for the dealer nearest you.

PLAYBOY

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the 3000-t0-6000-hertz range. You can use
the equalizer to remove some of the back-
ground noise by de-emphasizing the 7000-
hertz band, Experiment: its only tape. You
can dramatically improve the sound of your
LPs on tape—or you can say “What the
fuck!" and buy the CD reissues,

How come guys don't know how to enter
12 My boyfriend and I will be hot
hered with foreplay and when he
goes to put it in, he turns into a bumbling
idiot. We usually get our pace back and
proceed to finer things, but can you give
some helpful hints to the teeming mil-
lionsz—Miss T. $., Detroit, Michigan

The best advice we've heard on this in
volves a little experiment, Take a bowl of food,
Put on a blindfold. Sce how easy il is to feed
yourself The spoon goes right into your
mouth, Now, try to feed your boyfriend. Dues
it end up on his shirt or in his car? The solu.
tion to this problem: Do it yourself,

Do any tutes exisı for ihe wearing ofa
pocket watch?—P S. P, San Diego, Califor-

ntique- and retro-style watches are enjoy-
ing a comeback, and most better department
stores carry a good selection. If you choose a
pocket watch. it should be worn in a west or
trouser pocket designed for that purpose.
When using the latter, wear it with a slim
chain or fob. The chain can then be hooked to
your bell loop or anchored in the pocket by
your key ring, When worn in a vest, the fob
can be tucked through a buttonhole into the
opposite vest pockel. An antique chain will
enhance the look if you wear a vest. The pock-
el on the right side is considered the most ap-
propriate for carrying your watch

Ham a bachelor in a small Midwest town.
Recently, I went out with a girl I had met in
the local coffee shop. We had sex and I con-
med to see her when it was convenient
At one point, she invited me to go to her
place—and we both knew for what. When
I got there, we had a few drinks, fooled
around on the couch and then headed for
the bedroom. Here is whei
ing. Before we dimbed imo bed, she
pulled out a snub-nosed 38 revolver and
ued that she did not like being used.
thermore, she wanted my company
once a week, with no conditions on eithe
party, until she relocated in Atlanta in six
weeks, 1 thought about it—or should 1 say
we thought about it, as [had an erect, blue-
veined throbbing head in my pants at the
time—and accepted the terms, We crawled
into bed and I have been seeing her once a
week like clockwo problem is, I de-
test seeing her on the designated day, even
though it isonly oncea week. I dread going
out with her and the last time we were to-
gether, I couldn't even come. I fear that if 1
go back on our agreement, she will shoot
my ass. You probably think she is blulling,
but I have noticed signs of psychotic behav-
ior and I have always been a good judge of
character. Since 1 run my own business, L

cant leave town. Any ideas would be ap-
preciated.—B. P, Dubuque, lowa.

What is this—creative-writing class? The
sequel lo “Fatal Attraction"? “The Secret
Love Life of Laurie Daun"? If by chance
you are not kidding, then wake up! Five
arms are nol a recognized form of foreplay
Bail out, now.

F had to turn down a last-minute invita
tion to London—my passport was out of
date and I didn't have the six weeks to wait
for a new one by mail. Do you know of any
last-minute solution to the problem?—
R. Q,, New York, New Y

Washington Passport © Visa Service
(800-272-7776) will stand in line for your
passport and visas. The service offers a four
to-six.day turnaround for 830, a 72-hour re-
sponse for $60 and same-day service for $90.
We assume that you have already renewed
your passport; keep the above number on
hand for the unexpected encounter with a
woman you'd like to take to Europe on short
notice.

Sometimes 1 suffer from premature
ejaculation. P've read that you can utilize
something called the squeeze technique to
delay orgasm. Can you describe this? The
information I have says the woman
squeezes the head of the penis. This
sounds OK, but does it mean that I have to
pull out every few seconds so she can grasp
my erection? Are there any secrets |
should know about ;

Sex therapists do recommend the syucese
technique for premature ejaculation. Simply
put, when the woman feels that her partner is
becoming aroused, she puis her first and sec-
ond fingers just above and below the coronal
ridge (imagine holding a cigar) and her
thumb on the underside of the penis. She ap-
plies pressure for about four seconds front to
back, newer side to side. The mistake most
novices make is to wait until the man is expe-
riencing ejaculatory mevitability (pulling
his hair out, bouncing like the springs of a
flat-bed truck, shadow-boxing with the big
one). Rather, you use the squeeze throughout
the foreplay—before insertion. Once you've
mastered this, you can switch to a basilar
squeeze technique, in which either the man or

the woman slows his excitement by squeezing
the base of his penis (again, frout to back) for
about four seconds

AU reasonable. questions—from fashion,
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problems, taste and euquette—will be person-
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self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month

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THE PLAYBOY FORUM

7 AMA Y
ue

s T
VA

Sex is a form of per
sonal expression that can
thrive only inan environ-
ment that affirms sexual-
ity—ıhat grants citizens
the right to know, the
right to see, the right to
find out, the right to play.
Cripple the environment
outside the bedroom and
you cripple the sex that
happens within.

We call it the. Glass-
house Effect. Couples
who have kept warm and
happy performing a
wide assortment of inti-
mate acts together are
ning to feel a chill
wind blowing through
the bedroom window. We
live in a scx-negative en-
vironment: The head-
lines assault our desire
with stories of death, dis-

scx-informa
There are hodines in
some major cities, includ-
ing Los Angeles, New
York and San Francisco,
open without charge to
anyone who wants to
call. They're staffed by
tramed volunteers. How
successful are the hot-
lines? The San Francisco
hotline—now in its 20th
year—gets 100 calls a
night.

If your city doesnt
have a hotline, organize
one. For more informa-
tion, write to San Fran-
isco Sex Information,
Board of Directors, PO.
Box 640054, San Fran-
cisco, California 94164

case, violence, repres-

sion. Organized groups of conserva-
tives actively fight sex education, birth
control, abortion and erotic expression.
You can save the sexual environment,
but you have to act. Here are some
things you can do.

THE FACTS OF LIFE
DID YOU KNOW?

The average age at which Americans
first have sexual intercourse is between
16 and 17 (A recent survey by the Kin-
sey Institute for Research in Sex, Gen-
der and Reproduction found that 76
percentof Americans did not know this
fact.)

* According to The Alan Guttmacher
Institute, the average American teen-
ager has sex for 11 months before using
birth control.

eln 1988 in the US, there were
172,163 out-of-wedlock births to white
teenagers (54 percent) and 139,530 out-

of-wedlock births to black tee:
percent).

SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO

Join syndicated. columnist Carl T.
Rowan in his campaign to make sex
education a national necessity In a
column last fall, he wrote, “I say that we
need sex education desperately in our
schools, even though I know that not all
teachers understand the joys and perils
of sex. I know that schools can never do
it all, but they can do far more than the
parents—more likely, the one parent—
10 whom most youngsters cannot talk
meaningfully about sex.

Call your local board of education.
Find out which facts of life are being in-
troduced into the curriculum and the
grade level at which they are being
taught. Don't get caught in the debate
over "valuc-frec" sex education. The
facts arc valuable.

Join Planned Parenthood Federation
of America, 810 Seventh Avenue, New
York, New York 10019-5818. In the ab-
sence of coherent, in-school sex ed, the
storefront clinics of Planned Parent-
hood are your first line of defense.

PROTECT
THE RIGHT TO
CHOICE

The right to control your body is
where sexual freedom begins. The
right to choose when and with whom to
have sex is closely linked to the right to
choose when and with whom to repro-
duce. Either the Government must rec-
ognize that the right of privacy covers
this most intimate of human activity or
we must recognize the need for a new
Government

DID YOU KNOW?

there were 350 bills intro-

legislation was stopped by one m:
governor exercising his

SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO

Join NARAL (National Abortion
Rights Action League), 1101 14th Street

N.W, Fifth Floor, Washington, D.C.
20005.

Study the voting records and state-
ments of candidates for office. Their
views on abortion may give you an idea
about their views on other sexual issues.
Lawmakers who vote against abortion
rights tend to vote against bills that

would fund sex education in schools,
vote against gay rights, obstruct AIDS-
education programs and try to censor
artistic expression that is erotic. Sup-
porting funds for AIDS research does
not mean you are pro-gay—it simply
means that you can see the effect AIDS.
has had on all sexual beings.

WS CHALLENGESABLUEL AWS as
DID YOU KNOW?

*1n 1986, the Supreme Court re-
fused to overturn a Georgia statute
outlawing oral sex between homosex-
uals. The law also covers heterosexual
behavior.

*In 1988, James Moseley was sen-
tenced to five years in prison for per-
forming oral sex on his wife. (He was
released—after serving 19 months—
on appeal.)

*In 1988, William Fry was sen-
tenced to ten years in prison for ad-
mitting in court that his girlfriend
had performed fellatio on him.

*Sodomy, or the "infamous crime
against nature," is prohibited by state
law in 25 states and the District of
Columbia.

* In 1990, Donna E. Carroll agreed
under a plea bargain to perform 40

service. after
adultery—a
felony—in Wisconsin. In Connec
cut, police charged four people with
adultery—which is against the law in
about half of the states.

Sodomy Laws in the States

(Heterosexual and homosexual sodomy law
i Homosexual sodomy law only
C] Mo sodomy law

SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO

Ask your state legislators to draft
legislation voiding any archaic sex
statutes. In Georgia, state senator
Cynthia McKinney and her father,
state senator Billy McKinney, both in-
troduced bills liberalizing the state
sodomy laws.

Hire a lawyer to challenge these
statutes in court. Under Michigan law,
a first sodomy offense can bring up to
15 years’ imprisonment, a second of-
fense up to life. In 1988, a homosexu-
al-rights group challenged a statute
on behalf of 12 adults, including a
woman who suffered from postpolio
syndrome and who, confined to a
wheelchair, was unable to have sex
without breaking the law. A judge
overturned the statute, saying the
state constitution “embodies a
promise that a certain private sphere
of individual liberty will be kept
largely beyond the reach of the gov-
ernment.”

PRACTICE ETHNO SI
DID YOU KNOW?

Sex researcher Alfred Kinsey found
that virtually all Americans usually
made love in one position—the mission-
ary.

ex researchers Masters and Johnson
invited couples to have sex for science.
They witnessed more than 14,000 or-
gasms in the lab. Almost every hetero-
sexual couple made love in the same
way: “a on the lips, hand on
the breast, dive for the pelvis." When
the man determined the woman wash
bricated, he climbed on top, penetra
ed, set the thrusting pattern until his
partner reached orgasm.

One way to kill sex is to make it bor-
ing. Most of the sex laws and the family-
value rhetoric are attempts to force the
nation into sexual conformity.

According to Indian sexologist
Yashodhara, there are 529 possible po-
sitions for sexual intercourse.

The gecko lizard is what the Marque-
sans call the side-by-side, face-to-face
coital position. It’s preferred in soci
eties where people sleep on a hard
surface, which would scrape men’s
knees in the missionary position.

Chinese erotic art portrays a woman
seated on a swing with her legs spread.
As twoassistants push from behind, she
swings forward onto the exposed erect
penis of her lover, and then back, with-
drawing. This can go on for hours.

SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO

your sexual horizons by ex-
g with the exotic and erotic
A good source for information: Sexual
Practices, by Edgar Gregersen.

You can learn such techniques as
Trukese striking, an Oceanic coital
technique in which the man sits on the
ground with his legs spread open while
the woman faces him, kneeling. The
man places the head of his penis just
inside the opening of the vagina and
moves it up and down without insert-
ing, to stimulate the clitoris. When he
penetrates her and the woman becomes
more excited, she lets him know by
poking a finger into his car.

SPREAD THE NEWS,
NOT THE DISEASE

Several sexually transınitted diseases
are on the rise. You can help reverse the
trend.

DID YOU KNOW?

The estimated cases of S-T.D.s in the
United States, per year:

4,000,000

"Irichomoniasis 3,000,000

Gonorrhea 1,400,000

Nonspecific urethritis — 1,300000
Mucopurulent

cervicitis 1,000,000

Human papillomavirus 1,000,000
Genital herpes 200,000-500,000
Hepatitis B 200.000
Syphilis 100,000

Did you know that doctors now be-
lieve that having a venereal disease, es-
pecially one causing genital ulceration,

significantly increases the likelihood
that you will contract AIDS? The first
line of defense against AIDS is to main-
tain sexual health. If you suspect that
you have an 5.T.D., seek treatment.

SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO

Conduct a genital self-exam. Look
for any bumps, sores, warts or blisters
on the skin. Be alert to any swelling or
soreness in the testicles. If you experi-
ence pain or a burning sensation in
your genitals, call a doctor. If you have
a discharge or drip from the genitals,
call a doctor. For a detailed guide
to a genital self-exam, write to GSE,
PO. Box 4088, Woburn, Massachusetts
(1888-4088.

Take out an ad in your local paper
listing hotlines for S.T.D.s. Or write the
numbers in every telephone booth at
the local school.

National HIV and AIDS Information
Service: 800-342-AIDS.

The National S.TD. Hotline: 800-
227-8922.

Herpes Resource Center Hotline:
919-361-2120.

Order “The Complete Guide to Safe
Sex” from the Institute for Advanced
Study of Human Sexuality; it's an hon-
est, practical and authoritative primer.
Send $6.95, plus $3.50 for shipping
and handling, to Exodus Trust, 1523
Franklin Street, San Francisco, Califor-
nia 94109.

A CUE

We usked several prominent sexologists what
they'd recommend to preserve the sexual environ-
ment. These men and women possess an advanced
curiosity about sexual behavior and a willingness to
share what they've learned.

Michael Castleman, author cf Sexual Solutions: "I
suggest trying it outdoors occasionally, in a sylvan
setting. Not public parks, but remote areas. Or if you
have the privacy to do it, pitch a tent in your back
yard. Also, ! recommend supporting your local legiti-
mate massage studio. Take massage classes together.
Experiment with Swedish and Esalen whole-body
massages. Hot-tub and sauna together. Learn how to
touch each other's feet, hands and head. You can
really experience an altered state of consciousness
through touch. Especially the feet. They're incredibly
sensuous and erogenous areas for many people.

“Other ideas? I like play-off sex. That's when you
and your lover take advantage of the interminable
fime that passes during televised play-offs in any
sport. Make a game of it to alleviate the boredom:
See how sexually playful you can be in the final two
minutes. Then there are lingerie shops. Many now
have dressing rooms large enough for two. It's a
Nineties concept. You get to see her trying on
camisoles and choose your favorites with hei

Lonnie Barbach, editor of Erotic Interludes and
author of For Each Other and other books on height-
ening sensual and sexual enjoyment: "There's a
widespread myth that sex should always be sponta-
neous. In our society, where each member of a couple
can be working 50 or 60 hours a week, that's unrea-
sonable. So pen in sex. Don't pencil it in or use an
erasable ballpoint. Lock the bedroom doors against
children, if you have any; turn off the phone, shut off
the fax and enjoy each other without interruption.
Sex needs to be prioritized. Make a date and keep it.

THINK GLOBALLY

abet C Te

Use your calendar. Or, if yov're both feeling sexy at
dinner, forget the dishes and go make love. Don't put
it off. We're so frenetic and exhausted after a long
workday, one person's almost certainly going to be
too tired later on. Sex isn't a survival need like earn-
ing money. It needs to be nurtured.”

Bernie Zilbergeld, author of Male Sexuality:
"Some parents who came out of the counterculture
Sixties have turned into prudes when it comos to giv-
ing their teenage children the freedom to experi-
ment. We, as adults, need to loosen up, teach our kids
safe, smart sex and not limit their right to sexual
experimentation. And, we need to make ourselves
heard. The other side does, and very well. I read last
week about a committee formed to remove the swim-
suit issue of Sports Illustrated from a high school li-
brary. We need to fight buck. We need to press for
open sex education in schools, where love and sex
get connected. Not simply orgen-recital courses.

Isadora Alman, author of Aural Sex & Verbal Inter-
course: “We might think about changing the social
order to encourage strangers to show photos of them-
selves and their main bounce in their favorite posi-
tions. Like, ‘This is my sweetie, Sue. Doesn't she have
nice breasts? Here we're doing the reverse trapeze!
Or, ‘Let me show you Hank—isn't that some tush?’
These snapshots would be great icebreakers at cock-
tail parties and would liven up boring plane rides.
Another idea: Condoms should be available like
peanuts at bars or toothpicks at restaurants—in
bowls. Free. Paid for by the company that advertises
on the package. With logos like park ır sare from Max's
Downtown Garage. Or a camouflage condom with the
logo, DONT ter men ste vou comino. On a more serious note,
I recommend we teach our kids that self-esteem is the
greatest aphrodisiac, and the brain is the biggest sex
organ.” —STEPHEN YAFA

AUS RAM

According to a Playboy telephone
sex survey, only one out of four
adults has read a sex manual such as
The Joy of Sex. The Kinsey Institute
recently administered an 18-item
questionnaire to 1974 adults thatcon-
cerned basic facts of sexual health:
55 percent failed the test, missing
more than half the questions.

Your library should be an excel-
lent source for information about
sex, so visit it. See if you can find the
answers to the follow-
ing questions. If not,
donate books about sex
to your library.

QUESTIONS

A. Which living crea-
tures have the smallest
and the largest penis,
respectively?

B. Which mammal
has the most unusual
vagina?

C. What is the most.
famous sex aid in Chi-
na, and when was it in-
troduced?

D. Whats a happy
ring? Why do women
love it and goats hate it?

E. Name three of history great
male sexual athletes—not counting
Casanova or Wade Boggs.

ANSWERS

A. The world’s smallest penises, at
1/100 inch or smaller, belong to the

STOCK YOUR
FALLOUT SHELTER

WITH SEX TOYS
DID YOU KNOW

Censorship is as American as apple
pie. More than a century ago, Anthony
Comstock led a erusade to rid the L.S.
of the portrayal of sex in any form, and
he almost succeeded. He lobbied
through Congress the first major ob-
scenity law, which made it a felony to
send birth-control information through
the mails The Post Office seized
200,000 pictures and phou 100,000
and more than 60,000 con
‘The Meese commission—a

DID YOU KNOW?

insect world; the rorqual whale has
the world’s longest, at ten feet. And
you thought John Holmes was well
hung?

B. The female hippo's vagina
comes equipped with a dozen or so
deeply corrugated interlocking
fibrous ridges. What did Harriet
Hippo say to the hubby? “Tighten
your seat belt, dear, its gonna be a
bumpy night”

PENISES OF THE
ANIMAL KINGDOM

From left to right: the male anatomy of the whale, eleph:
raffe, bull, horse, pig, porpoise, ram, goat, hyena, dog and man.

C. The silver clasp was invented in
China. Clamped around the base of
the penis, it prolongs erection by
preventing blood from leaving the
engorged organ. This may also help
explain why the penis is referred to

nation of Comstock's group—ostensi-
estigated pornography. The

tors created to ferret out kiddie porn
and adult pornography—has moved
beyond the scape of its charter, recently
busti wder supply houses that,
in addition to selling videos, offer c
doms and other contraceptives (se
"Project PostPorn," The Playboy Forum,
September 1990)

Seve ites have tried to outlaw the
sale of dildos and vibrators as “obscene
devices.”

SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO

Stock up. How m:
have on that old Orgası

think it will be casy to ge

the Reverend. Donald Wildmons get
their way?

1 BECOME; SEXUALLY TERATE ESAS

in China as the. jade stem: Many

have turned green with gangrene.
D. Ah, such pleasure! Tibetan
lamas in the I3th Century intro-
duced the happy ring to Mongols.
Recipe: Kill a goat; remove eyelid
with eyelashes intact; dry eyelid in
n bamboo basket.

ask, why let the other 99.4 percent of
the goat go to waste?
Heat up coals, barbe-
cue, cut into bite-size
chunks, spear them
with toothpicks, pop a
few beers and have a
happy-ring happy hour.
E. The French writer
Guy de Maupassant
could make love six
times in one hour. The
Arab lover Abul-
Hayjeh deflowered 80
ins in one night.
he Chinese emperor
Yang Ti made love to
3000 palace maidens.
OK. so numbers don't
impres you. — How
about resourcefulness? He would
take ten chariots with him on his
caravans when traveling; in each lay
a naked beauty on heavily padded
red satin, awaiting his favors. We'll
leave the lights on for you, Yang 1

ant, gi-

the technology at the local store
that sells sex Some of the pi
ucts are tacky but may suggest new uses
for items around the house. Check out
the lickable lotions and
silky talcum powders. Splurge r-
ror to go over the bed. Do

make designer sex toys—:
your erection or special
ation may be the

SOURCES

one dollar for a ni

log to
San Francisco, €

Ten dollars to The Pleasure
7733 ta Monica Boulevard, West
Hollywood, California 90046.

Adam & Eve (no charge), PO. Box
800, Carrboro, North Carolin 10.

l-order cat

N E W

S F R

O N T

whats happening in the sexual and social arenas

INTRAUTERINE BUGS

ankara—Kurdish rebels fighting for
their independence from Turkey make
trouble for the Turkish government any
way they can. Their latest method is

spreading the rumor that the free 1.U.D.s
supplied by the population-control agency
are electronic surveillance devices. Ac-
cording to public health officials, women
are having the 1.U.D.s removed because
“they think the government can listen in
on their most intimate conversations.”

THE FRENCH CONNECTION

srockuorm—The French are fuming
about Sweden's use of the Eiffel Tower
made out of condom packages—in a
poster warning travelers to take precau-
tions against AIDS. The French ambas-
sador wrote to the Swedish social minister,
"I leave it to you to judge whether it
15 good manners to link my country with
a plague that unfortunately affects
all mankind." The government-funded
group that made the poster explained that
the tower was “just a symbol of an exciting
international setting.”

FREE THE RU-486

emcaco—Clinical tests of RU-486,
the so-called abortion pill, are currently
frozen, according to doctors writing in the
Journal of the American Medical Asso-
ciation, because the manufacturer has
been threatened by anti-abortion boycotts.

The pill has therapeutic potential for those
who suffer from cancer, Epstein-Barr,
AIDS and osteoporosis, among other dis-
eases. “It is tragic that in this country,
43,000 victims die of breast cancer each
year while abject surrender to abortion
politics delays clinical studies that might
help them,” wrote the doctors. Physicians
should “join the public debate on the ethics
of denying drugs to the living because of
political activism regarding the unborn.”

ANTEABORTION ANTICS

FAIRFAX COUNTY, IRGINIA—AÁN un-
known Right-to-Lifer has spliced anti-
abortion messages on five video lapes
rented by the local library. The graphic in-
formation on how abortions are per-
formed was added to family and childrens
tapes by someone who got around the
videos tamper-proof protection. The li-
brary is investigating the malter.

CORPUS CHRISTI—ZÍN the city whose
name translates as “body of Ci "a
Catholic bishop and a. Lutheran minister
chastised local police for protecting abor-
tion clinics from anti-abortion protesters
and likened police who complied with the
law to Nazis. The police chief, a Lutheran,
said the bishop’ letter was “a personal
opinion” and that he expected his officers
“to enforce the law and keep the peace.”

COLOR ME GAY

FORT woRrH— The Tarrant County
Gay Alliance would like officials at a Fort
Worth jail lo stop designating homosexual
inmates with color-coded wristbands. Un-
der present policy, ved wristbands are for
felons, blue for misdemeanor offenders, or-
ange for prisoners avaiting transfer, yel-
low for prisoners wilh medical. problems
and gray for acknowledged homosexuals.
Although the bands are intended to indi-
cate that the wearer needs protective
custody, the gays are put with olher pris-
oners during meals and exercise periods,
which, the alliance says, is "like throwing.
meat lo the dogs."

DRUG DAZE

WASHINGTON. De —Drug ezar William
Bennett has introduced regulations aimed
at punishing middle-class drug users. He
announced that Federal benefits such as
student aid, small-business loans and

medical, scientific and academic research
grants will be withheld from those convict-
ed of drug use or drug trafficking "We
think this will have an impact on the so-

MINNEAPOLIS—When three Minnesota
roommates started receiving obscene tele-
phone calls, they called the police, who
were puzzled to find that the calls came
from phones all over the city. Then the
callers started complaining. One griped
about the lousy service and wondered
what kind of low-rent operation the wom-
en were running. An investigation uncov-
ered the fact that the roommates’ number
was the same as one advertised for a toll-
free phone-sex service—and some of the
customers were failing to dial 1-800.

DEVIL-MAY-CARE

TOCCOA. GEORGIA— The local recreation
department has canceled its yoga dass aft-
er protests from fundamentalists who say
that yoga is tantamount to Satan worship.

“The people who are signed up for the
class are just walking into it like cattle to
a slaughter,” said a yoga protester, The
program director tried to explain that the
class teaches only simple stretching and re-
laxation techniques, but he finally said to
hell with it and nixed the course.

LICENSE TO KILL
Saddam Hussein mus
started Iraq's war with Ki
get his people's minds off domes-
tic decrees. Not too long before
the invasion, Iraq's ruling Revo-
lutionary Command Council
ruled that an Iraqi man c:
his wife, mother, daughter,
aunt, niece or cousin on his fa-
ther's side if he thinks she has
committed adultery. "Although
spineless Americans probably
couldn't understand the morality
behind this decree, we Iraqis
can," said an Iraqi pardoned for
matriide. "When I killed my
mother, I did so because I knew it
was what God wanted." His wife,
hiding from him, dis-
lam sure he killed her
just because he didn’t like her."
Now, instead of killing their own,
the Iraqis can concentrate on
killing foreigners.
R. Morgan
Montgomery, Alabama

MC MARTIN
The public will find out the
truth of how we were suckered
into financing the $20,000,000

McMartin fiasco only if there is a
third trial (The Playboy Forum,
June). But this time, with an
entirely different guilty-until-
proven-innocent group of de-
fendants. Criminal charges
should be brought against all
those responsible for creating
and aiding the most brutal and
expensive hoax of the century.
The following people should be
tried—with five-year jail sen-
tences (the same amount of time
Ray Buckey spent behind bars)
imposed:

* Detective Jane Hoag of the
Manhattan Beach police depart-
ment, for thinking that Buckey
was guilty on the strength of a
mentally ill woman's accusations
that got wilder with every telling.

*Former district attorney
Robert Philibosian, who appar-
ently saw political advantage in
the Mc Marti se.

* Kee MacFarlane, a self-pro-

claimed child-abuse expert, who led the
children, the media and the public into

*Lael Rubin, chief prosecutor in the

FOR THE RECORD

HOW THEY'D FIGHT
THE WAR ON DRUGS

CALLER: My question is to Mr. Bennett. Why build
prisons? Get tough like Saudi Arabia. Behead the
damned drug dealers. We're just too damn soft.

DRUG POLICY DIRECTOR WILLIAM BENNETT: It’s actu-
ally—theres an interesting point. One of the
things that 1 think is a problem is that we are not
doing enough that is morally proportional to the
nature of the offense. I mean, what the caller sug-
morally plausible. Legally, it’s difficult, but

LARRY KING: Behead?

Bennert: Yeah, Morally, I don't have any problem

with that. —The Larry King Show, June 15, 1989
B

“] guess it gets down to one of my concerns
about, again, that definition of casual user and
what you do with the whole group. The casual
user, if there is such a thing as a casual user, ought
to be taken out and shot, because he or she has no
reason for using drugs, and then we ought to
direct our attention to those who really have an
addiction problem. DARYL E GATES, Los Angeles
police chief, to the Senate Judiciary Committee,
September 1990

McMartin trial. For nearly ten months,
she negligently withheld from the de
fense the information that the original
accusing mother was mentally ill.

It is a shame that the above
people will walk away from ihe
Bi

Jackie pie
Redondo Beach, Califo:

TRIFLING WITH RIGHTS

Totalitarian bluenose Donald
E. Wildmon seems to show up on
the pro side of every censorship
issue. His most recent exercise of
his oun freedom of specch—in
opposition to almost everyone
elses—is an editorial in USA
Today that begins as a maledic-
tion of those "few" of us who
would let a trifle such as the Bill
of Rights deter such important
business as persecuting rappe
2 Live Crew for ohscene lyrics.
Wildmon alerts us to the dangers
of sexual freedom; according to
him, sexual repression is good for
culture.

Steve Williams
Homestead, Florida

I had never heard of thc
Reverend Donald Wildmon until
1 read about him in Playboy. I
wrote to him and began receiv-
ing his AFA Journal. 1 have writ-
ten to many of the companies he
has targeted to boycott, encour-
efforts.
It is disturbing Us Wildmon is
even a little bit successful.
tian fundamentalisis apparently
will not be satisfied until they
replace the Constitution with
their version of the Bible.

Please don't publish my name;
1 dor't want Wildmon to take my

eand address
withheld by request)

KIDS AND GUNS

Jerome Stern could have
added one more sentence 10
"What They Learn in. School
(The Playboy Forum, August): Ed-
ucators want kids to avoid acci-
dents with guns, but they dont
teach them about firearm safety
because they don't want them to
be curious and fool around with
carelessly stored guns

Education—about sex or guns—can
prevent accidents and stupid acts.

George S. Crotts, Jr.
San Ramon, California

GUNNING FOR ANIMALS
One of the complaints of the gun-own-
ing community is that the media are
dominated by an urban intelligentsia
that associates firearms with crime and
violence, and hunting with killing Bam-
bi's mother. The result is that studies and
surveys that are not antigun arc also not
reported. Such selectivity may not be
conscious, but it does reflect a bias.
D. H. Naismith
Chicago, Illinois

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN'

In 1969, California formed a panel to
do a long-term study of its drug policy
and to provide some answers to the prob-
lem of illegal drugs. The panel recently
delivered its recommendations—one of
which was to decriminalize marijuana.
State attorney general John Van De
Kamp immediately squelched the report.
The suppression of the 21-year-ong
study is an outragc.

Clifford A. Schaffer
Canyon Country, California

The California Research Advisory Panel
to which you refer suggested that the Cali-
fornia legislature recognize the failure of its
antidrug policies and experiment with dif-
ferent approaches to the drug problem.

The panel has made proposals
that are, if anything, monuments to cau-
tion. It requires that the reforms be moni-
tored closely and be subject to immediate
legislative reversal at the first sign that they
are leading to increased drug use. It also
cautions that drugs are nol a singular,
massive problem seeking a singular, mas-
sive solution, but a complex of problems,
each requiring a different approach. And
that’s where it gol into trouble.

The panel proposes to remove penalties
for possession of needles and syringes—in
part as a public-health measure to combat
the spread of ALDS and hepatitis—and to
permit cultivation of marijuana for person.
al use, to help separate the pot smoker from
the drug-using community.

It offers other, noncontroversial sugges-
tions, including creating a climate of
disapproval of drug use. The states law-
enforcement agency objected strenuously
and compelled members of the panel to pub-
lish and distribute their recommendations
privately—which shows that the immediate
obstacle to dealing with drug problems
seems to be the resistance to innovation.

HIT THE (PUBLIC) BEACH
The item titled “Florida Follies” in The
Playboy Forum's October "Newsfront"

needs amplification. The ban on thongs,
G strings and other skimpy swimwear ap-
lies only to Florida's state parks. Public
Bettas are still fair game in Florida.
Mike Trent
Atlanta, Georgia
Tt is still a silly law. We ask all of our fe-
male readers to send their old bikinis to
Governor Martinez with a note: "You won't
see this or the person who wears it anywhere
in Florida, I'm taking my tourist dollars to
the Caribbean.”

“DATE RAPE”

The article “Date Rape on Campus,”
by Stephanie Gutmann (The Playboy Fo-
rum, October), distresses me, Although
Gutmann admits that rape is a serious
problem, she asks, “If you have to con-
vince a woman that she was raped, how
meaningful is that conclusion?"

TUFTS- LIFE:

Many years ago, I worked at a restau-
rant as a cocktail waitress. Late one eve-
ning, a man came in who'd just had a
fight with his wife. He was drunk and
angry. He pinned my hands behind my
back, pushed me up against the bar and
slapped me around. I him to stop.

1 was totally shaken and it took me sev-
eral hours to acknowledge that I'd been
beaten. Does that make the beating any
less brutal or valid?

Jill Mollenhauer
San Diego, California

No, of course not—and you should have
called the police. After the shock of your ex-
perience wore off, you knew exactly what the
score was. Gutmann is questioning those
cases in which the sexual experiences of
women are reinterpreled long after the
fact—and often by researchers and not by
the women themselves.

In response to students who make racist and scxist remarks, 137
American universities have recently passed laws restricting free
speech. At Tufts University, the wave of repression was kicked off
when a student distributed T-shirts proclaiming FIFTEEN REASONS WHY
BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN. Some students found the T-shirts offensive
(as though freedom of expression applied only to Have A NICE DAY).
None of the stories I've read about the incident published the 15 rea-
sons. Therefore, for the public’s edification, I present the 15 reasons
that beer is better than women.

1. You can enjoy beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. Beer is never late.

5. Hangovers go away.

6. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

7. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
8. Abeer won't getupset if you come home with beer on your breath.
9. Beer never has a headache.

10. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get a good head.

11. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

12. You can share a beer with your friends.

13. You always know you're the first to pop a beer.

14. A beer is always wet.

15.A beer is a good beer.

R. Ryen
Boston, Massachusetts
Instead of protesting the Tufts T-shirt, the women who were offended
should have come up with their own T-shirt with, maybe, 15 ways a cucum-
ber is better than a man. We'll provide the first five; you fill in the rest.
1. A cucumber is always at least six inches long.
2. You can fondle a cucumber in the store.
3. You can see how hard a cucumber is before you take it home.
4. You have to eat a cucumber only when you want to.
5. With a cucumber, you don’t have to lie on a wet spot afterward.

UAL DRUG TEST

THE THIRD
ANN

FOR MEMBERS OF CONGRES

The Governments so-called war on
drugs suffers from too much posturing
and not enough constructive policy
making. However, through a national
educational effort —evidenced by thor-
ough discussion in The Playboy Fo-
rum—some of us im Congress have
been able to make some measurable
progres:
thc politicians on this issue: It now rec-
ognizes that we will never prosecute
our way out of the drug problem and
that we must treat drug se as a
health problem rather than as merely a
law-enforcement problem.

Congress, however belatedly, has qui-
etly recognized this, too. 1 hope to con-
tinue to rally the troops by inspiring a
healthy dialog and debate. The first
and second drug tests, with Playboy's
help, have been successful vehicles to get
my fellow Congressmen to see through
the posturing and to work toward
implementing constructive policies.

Representative Pete Stark
US. House of Representatives
Washington, D.C.

THE TEST

1. Since 1986, the U.S. Customs Serv-
ice has spent more than $100,000,000
to test, build and deploy seven radar
balloons on the U.S.—Mexican border
How many smugglers have been caught
in this effort?

A. Morc than 5000 C. 949

B. About 2500. D. Few

2. The toral number of musicians in
the US. Army is greater than the total
number of Drug Enforcement Admin-

tion agents. True or false?

A. True B. False

3.1n 1989, sailing for a combined
2347 ship days costing $33,200,000, the
US. Navy and the US. Coast Guai

A.Seized 879 ships and arrested
368 drug smuggler

B. Seized 637 ships and ar
drug smugglers

C. Seized 348 ships and
drug s

D.S.

n 50

led 1472
rested 856

ps and arrested 40
nugglers
4. Which statemei
A. Enough urine
to fill Lake Michig:

s tested each year

Clearly, the public is ahead of

B. Two ounces of a particular diet so-
da held under the arm for one hour will
be accepted as a valid urine sample 98
percent of the time,

C. Adding a cert
drops to a urine
any trace of marijuana in a drug test.

D. Cocaine users avoid detection
by simply adding bleach to urine

brand of eye-
nple camouflages

5. According to the Bush Adminis-
tration, the typical cocaine user is
white, male, a high school graduate,
employed full-time and living in the
suburbs.

A. True B. False
ands has a far lower

United States. Who wrote, “The
ference in Dutch drug

pproach

to the problem as opposed to the sup-
ply-oriented approach favored. by the
n-

A. The Reverend Je

B. The Bush Admin
tment

. Vice-President Dan Quayle

D. Roseanne Bart

7. Instead of expending the time and

effort to catch and prosecute marijuana

e Jackson
tration State

users, "we should concentrate on prosc-
cuting the rapists and burglars who are
a menace to society" Who made this
statement advocating the decriminal-
ization of marijuana?

A. The Reverend Jesse Jackson

B. The Bush Administrations State

ident Dan Quayle
Barr
8. For every dollar we spend on tr
ing hard-core drug users, the US.
payer is saved three dollars in redu
crime and other social costs.
A. True B. False
9. Every 000 hard-core ad-
dicts seek
away becas
A. True
10. Coca is the pri
cocaine. The biggest legal importer of
coca in the United States
A. The Federal Government
B. The makers of nicotine chewing
gum
C. Coca-Cola
D. RJR Tobacco
11. The Bush Administration claims
that the U.S. has 862,000 regular co-
caine users. How was that number de-
termined?
A. By the number of High Times sub-
scribers
B. By a survey of hospital emergency
vernment interviewed.
of whom admitted us-
hber was
xtrapolated to account for the to-
population
D.By a May 1990 Callup Poll of

13. ln the US. last year, th

number of overdose deaths
pirin was virtually the sa
deaths from:

A. Tobacco

B. Heroin.

7. Alcohol

D. Typewriter correction fl
ANSWERS:
DES Di 4. A;

om as
is overdose

5. A; 6. B; 7. C; 8.

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ums. LEE IACOCCA

a candid conversation with the steely industrialist and national icon about
friction with japan, calamity in the gulf and life behind the chrysler wheel

There was a lime in this country, believe il
or nat, when nobody had ever heard of Lee
lacca. Hard to imagine today, when the
name is as recognizable in American house-
holds as McDonald's, Frigidaire and MTV.
Along with the original Henry Ford, he is the
best-known figure in the history of American
car building. From a scrappy car salesman
loting flip charts up and dawn the Eastern
Seaboard, Iacocca has risen to the number-
one chair in the high-pressure chamber atop
the Chrysler Corporation, along the way
raring the status of national icon—a gener-
ic substitute for all that is right, or wrong,
with the American automobile business.

But to millions of his countrymen, Lee la-
cocca is simply the central character of an old-
fashioned success story, a Fourth of July kind
of guy who gives hard work a good name. His
fairy-tale rise from the ashes of defeat—he
was fired by the Ford Motor Company, for
which he had developed the enormously popu-
lar Mustang, then saved Chrysler from bank-
ruptey—made him an almost mythic figure
imbued with supposedly superhuman quali-
lies.

By repaying Chryslers £2-billion-dollar
Gmernment-guarantved bailout loan “the
old-fashioned way"—seven. years early—la-
cocca became, m the eyes of many Americans,
a genuine hero in a world notably lacking in
leaders of stature, I was a role that in 1984

“{The Japanese) ave aggressive. When you
hurt them commercially, they fight back. Is a
war. If we gel too thin-skinned about it, then
this country's got a problem. Pm a red-blooded
American. I fight back.”

made him a widely touted favorite for the
Presidency. Many voters believed that a man
who could save a sick company while making
it look simple could bring the same bromidie
solutions to the baffling problems of madern
life and a Government gone wrong.

lacocca still flirts with a foray into political
life (“I should start a third party just to shake
things up"), but whether he’s on the outside
spitting m or simply raismg hell on the inter-
national leclure circuit, he is a man of uncen-
sored opinions who never shrinks from
sharing then with the world.

Most recently, Iacocca has taken the lead in
criticizing Japanese trade practices and call-
ing for a fundamental rethinking of the
American [we-enterprise ethic, which he feels
is dogmatically tied to old ideas of the Thir-
ties. Japan has publicly winced at facocca's
allegations, singling him out as the most glar-
ing symbol of American mismanagement. The
son of Halian immigrants, he is also a roving
superpatriot who last September helped cut
the ribbon on the Ellis Island Memorial—the
gateway to America through which his parents
passed more than half a century ago. The
ceremony was an ironic honor: Iacocca
had chaired the committee that raised
$35,000,000 to polish the skirts of the Stat-
ue of Liberty and refurbish Ellis Island, but
was fired from the project's advisory board
after a conflict over haw the money was to be

“With all our problems, this is still the kind of
country I want to live in. This past century
was our century totally. How did we do il?
Diversity. Guts. Courage. We stuck with the
program. That's why the world is so great."

spent.

he making of the Iacocca legend began
with a reverse twist. After climbing to the
presidency of Ford, he was unceremoniously
dumped in 1978 by the company's tyrannical
chairman, Henry Ford H, m one of the most
controversial firings in American history.
Meanwhile, the Chrysler Corporation, then
close to breathing its last breath, grabbed up
lacocca as its emergency surgeon. Iacocca
promptly jawboned the Government into
stve loan guarantees, then used a classic
of chuzpah, hucksterism and high-
profile salesmanship to make the Chrysler
comeback one of the great business stories of
the postwar period.

That's when the unbridled public adoration
began. Before long, lacocca's take-no-prisom-
ers pitch was popping up on TV screens
nationwide, projecting the image of the self-
made American who could still do things
right, still punch the clock according to an
older generation's work ethic. By personally
going on air to hawk his wares (“If you can
find a better car, buy it!”), Iacocca gave rise to
a new era of highly visible corporate ped-
dling. The tactic also lent im, the head of a
car company with only an eight percent share
of the U.S. market, visibility and influence
far out of proportion to his actual business
clout.

Within four years, Chrysler was back in the

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN

“We have lo live within our means. . . . Then
we won't be so dependent on Japanese money.
H's one thing to get hooked on a Sony Walk-
man, or on a Toyota. But when you get
hooked on their money, you're hooked.”

PRA TSR OF

ring and competing with the auto industry's
leading heavyweights, while Jacocca contin-
ued his campaign to burnish the industry's
tarnished reputation for cranking out shoddy
workmanship. By persuading the automobile
workers’ union to lake pay culs—and by
putting former United Auto Workers prest-
dent Douglas Fraser on the Chrysler board—
Jacocca ignited a spirit of teamwork not seen
since the Fighting brish had been asked to win
one for the Cipper.

At Chrysler, Iacocca again stunned the
world with a new concept in cars: the mini-
van. A roomy, stylish alternative to the family
station wagon, the minivan has become a cash
cow thal olher car companies, including those
af the Japanese, are still struggling to match
at a competitive price. For such successes, Ia-
cocca has reaped ample personal rewards: His
salary went from a symbolic one dollar in
1980 (a privation certainly eased by the
$1,500,000 Chrysler paid to buy out his sev-
erance contract from Ford) to an estimated
$20,500,000 in 1986—bonuses and stock
sales included.

Then came the book: No shrinking violet,
Tacocca agreed lo write a memoir in 1984 ex-
plaining how he brought Chrysler buck from
the brink of ruination. Like iis author, “lacoc-
ca: An Autobiography” touched a nerve in the
public. This was not just a car book; it was a
combination morality tale and primer of
shrewd business management. Consistent with
Jacocca's now-Midas touch, the book became a
runaway best seller, with sales of 7,000,000
copies world-wide. His second book, “Talking
Straight,” was published in 1988.

Born Lido Anthony Iacocca in Allentown,
Pennsylvania, on October 15, 1924, the fu-
ture business tycoon was one of a handful of
Halian boys in a neighborhood jammed with
Pennsylvania Duich families. “We fought,
but we assimilated,” Iacocca remembers of his
immigrant. upbringing. “Education was Ihe
hey.” Tacocca s father, Nicola, was a successful
businessman who made most of his money in
real estate, though he once oumed part of a
vental-car business. He was also a taskmaster
who rarely allowed young Lido to slip below
the threshold of academic excellence. “(When
1 finished] 12th in a class of 900," Iacocca
wrote in his book, “nry father’s reaction was:
"Why weren't you first?"

The hard studying paid off. Iacocca gradu-
ated with high honors from Lehigh University
and accepted a graduate fellowship to Prince-
ton, where he earned a master's degree in en-
gineering. Beginning his career al Ford with
a rotation through several manufacturing
jobs in Detroit, he realized wilhin nine months
that he was more of a salesman than a drafts-
man. The wal action, he recognized, was in
marketing and management. He promptly got
a transfer.

The radical job switch meant sending ta-
cocca into the boonies of car selling—and in-
to the teeth of an early-Fifties recession. Yet
economic hardship only served to fine-tune
Lee lacacca's sales savvy (he began calling
himself Lee when he grew weary of long-dis-
lance operators laughing al the name Lado),
and he thrived on the day-to-day challenges.

By the varly Sixties, it was obvious to Ford's
top brass that Jacocca was a comer. His suc-
cess in launching the sporty little Mustang
spotlighted him as Henry Ford's chosen pro-
tigi and front runner for the company presi-
dency. Bul then came his monumental falling
out with Ford, his jump to Chrysler and his
subsequent rocket trip to folk-hero status.
Despite lacocea’s success al resuscitating
Chrysler in the early Eighties, today he finds
himself once again facing trouble. After near-
ly a decade of steady profits, the company has
Just announced ils second losing quarter since
1982, with profits down a whopping 65 per-
cent in recession-prone 1990. Iacocca is
fuulted for a series of dubious moves, includ-
mg the acquisition of the problem-ridden
AMC (despite the popularity of the perennial-
ls best-selling Jeep), the production of a
doomed Chrysler-Maserati luxury car and es-
pecially the failure to develop a new mid-sized
car for the lale Eighties—a shortcoming hai-
cocca pledges will be remedied within two
years. There ix also frequent talk of a Chrysler
merger with a European white knight such as
Volvo, Renault or Fiat. Jacocca insists that
his company will remain solvent and that he
faces nothing like the problems he had ten

“I always go afier the leader.
Now Honda’s the leader—
so I look them on. Whal
should 1 compare myself anth,

the Yugo?”

years ago, if only because he is sitting on four
billion dollars in cash reserves that could help
see Chrysler through some lean times.

To explore these and other critical issues
with Jacocea. (most importantly, his. ongoing
battle with the Japanese business. establish-
ment and the recent crisis aver the politics and
oil of the Middle East), Playboy sent veteran
journalist Peter Ross Ronge lo the Chrysler
chieftain's headquarters in Detroit. Range's
previous “Playboy Interview” assignments
have included conversations with Sony Cor-
poration cofounder and chairman Akio Mori-
la and CNN owner Ted Turner. Here is
Ranges report:

"lacocca is at once larger and smaller than
life as personified by the jul-jawed mug seen
in his TV commercials. He's a tall man who,
on our first meeting, rose from behind a
formidable desk covered unth a yard-sale as-
sortment of big black loose-leaf binders—sales
reports from around the nation. He came lo-
ward me with a cigar in his hand and an imp-
ish grin on his face, as though this whole
interview enterprise were a special lark that
only the two of us knew about. "Finally got to
me, he said, chuckling, explaining that he
had held out jor two decades before consent-

ing to the "Playboy Interview.’ He was right
on both counts: We had been dogging him for
quite some time and, yes, now wel finally
nabbed him.

“As we held forth for our first scheduled 90-
minule session—then stole an extra hour—t
was struch by how much sofier an impression
lacocca makes in person than when in public:
The hard-charging, tough-lalking executive
surfaces only occasionally—mest notably,
when he embarks on charged topics such as
Japanese trade barriers.

“But pensive or passionale, lacocca never
runs short of the energy lo engage. He occa-
sionally remembers to light his cigar—a
Cuban-made Montecristo from a mysterious
supplier he refuses to identify—bul then it
promptly goes out as he barrels into yet anoth-
er lane of conversation. "You're messing up my
morning smoke,’ he complained at one
poini—then launched enthusiastically into his
next tirade: on education, Japan, car safety
and Government regulations.

“From the general clutter in lacocca's
office—a football helmet behind his desk, a
three-foot-high stuffed ram on the floor a
gallery of life-encompassimg memorabilia on
his walls—I soon got the impression that selj-
discipline is not Lee Jacocca's middle name.
But, clearly, instinct is. Although he is rigor-
ously implementing a two-and-a-half-billion-
dollar cost-cutting program at Chrysler, I
sensed in Jacocca a businessman of the old
school, a guy who smells the territory and
goes with his gut. True lo his now-familiar
style, lacocca has greeted the problems of
the decade—and various new crises at
Chrysler—with a roar rather than a whimper.
As the Japanese share of the U.S. auto market
has jumped lo nearly 30 percent, he has been
touring the country with a message of warn-
ing about Japanese market vestrictions—a
mission thal has made him the lightning
rod of controversy in the already touchy
U.S.- Japan relationship.

“This seemed a good place to begin our

conversation."

PLAYBOY: You've been storming the
taking shots at Japan
1 television commercials
that Chrysler cars arc better than Hon-
das and Toyotas. Why the sudden com-

. I was just using Honda
ples. If you keep
beating that drum, in the end, the cus-
tomer's got to try your car. And when he
does, he'll decide whether you're bull-
shitting him or delivering. I thi
time to start beating the drums.
PLAYBOY: But why the Japanese cars in
particular? Honda is now considered the
America.

bays go after the leader. All
my life, G.M. was the leader. So when I
Ford, we went after Chevy. Now
a's the leader—the biggest-selling
car—so | took them on. What should 1
compare myself with, the Yugo?

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PLAYBOY: Is Honda your toughest com-
petitor?
IACOCCA: We really don't have any com-
petition in the Jeep and mini
you want to pay forty thoi
But in the basic cars, Ud put Honda
and Toyota second. They are the two
biggies. That's why, when I advertise
our cars, I never denigrate Honda or
Toyota— never denigrate any cai
cause their cars are good. I
cars have gotten a lot better. We shipped
a lot of crap in 1980; by 1985, it was
much better. We think we're really pres-
suring Honda now.
PLAYBOY: How do you try to match your-
self with the leader?
IACOCCA: We get their cars, drive em
and then tear one apart—just rip it
apart. Then we say, "Here's where w
got to improve a Title bit, a
e we've gor Honda by the balls"—
stance, with.
PLAYBOY: We'll talk about the ai
er But lers stick with the
You've been accused of pumpi
that stoke American xenophol
the Japanese, of simply bashing Japan.
Iacocca: I'm not a japan basher!
Newsweek once put out a list of the top-
ten Japan bashers and | didn't even
ll, I'm called a Japan

se I did this TV
commercial saying that Americans are
getting an inferiority complex and our
Japan's, so they call

n any way, tli
racist and everybody backs off. Why?
Because we've got a guilty conscience in
this country, and they know that over in
apan. They're playing back to us what
we don't like to hear. It comes from our
black-white problem. We ‘ying
ind this guilt. We had a civil war
lavery, remember? That's the big
ma on our two-hundred-year record
asa democracy

PLAYBOY: But do you ever
bashing Japan?

1acocca: Well, ely. But Uve never
bashed the Japanese people, and I'm go-
ing to stay clean on that. You don't stoop
to that level—my father told me that. So
1 never take on the Japanese people. If
you look at any
speech or es
you'll noi

st feel like

idividual or taken a shot a
€ or the fact that they're ho-
I've never used bad phras-
es. Yet all of a sudden, I'm the ogre.

PLAYBOY: You use fiery words. In a news-
paper column, you evoked im:

IACOCCA: Onc terview, I was
asked about the on of Chrysler
products in Japan, so 1 said, “Jesus
Christ, they certainly know the Jeep—
they saw enough of them in World War
Two!” You know what I really wanted to

in an

`
= N

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Regular Brand ^ Packs —

L What is your regular brand of cigarettes—that
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ee each column.) Other. * Packs rn
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say? I wanted to say. “But they always
saw the ass end ol the Jeep—rimning
them over.” Now, that would be Japan
shing, right?

The actual wording in your
They might be wiser men
10 look at why Japan is riding so high to
Vhey should remember 1945, when
ica and the world owed Japan
nothing but its comempt. And they
should remember that Japan would be
nowhere today without American gen-
erosity, humanit giveness
and, yes, tolerance,

IACOCCA: You've Lap the
facts! You've got 10 remind them once in
a while ol our heritage—and thes
You've got to remind them to play Lu
Mier all, they m:
warkets. d

1 was,

leit byour o

thats

dont sec. why

1 and hurt them commercially,

sting the
they

nt back. I's a war: IE we get too

ihin-skinned about it, then this country's
gota problen

. Fm a red-blooded Amer
ick.

in was: mio
hook The Japan That
Can Say Na, by Sony Corporation chair

man and cofounder Akio Morita and
Japanese politician Shintaro Ishihara
Ishihara has accused. America of anti-
Japanese racism, and you wrote,

"Their | arrogance pours salt into an a
ready open wound.
IACOCCA: That book is pretty bad. pretty
bad. Morita took a powder and dis-
tanced himself rom the book: he knew
that Ishihara had gone olf the deep end
For awhile, they Vihey didi
would be picked up in Eng
PLAYBOY: Weren't they be
IACOCCA: Now your's
think a high-ranking politici
top industrialist in all of Japan would
write something that vitriolic and nf ex-
pect it to be picked up? This wasirt [oc
Vamimoto working down in the Ginza.
But Edont think they expected such a
violent reaction to their theories that the
Americans are so racist that we dropped
atomie bomb on them. just because
they were. yellow—and that we didit
drop one on the Germans because they
were Ca dims. We dient even have
the atomic be World War
ended in Germany.
PLAYBOY: In his Playboy uteriew [Octo
ber 1900], Ishihara said
IACOCCA: Listen. I knew you were g
this up. so E read the interview.
Let me tell your Ishihara is one of those
revisionist guys who don't want 10 re-
^r what happened, OK? Anybody
who can say the rape ol Nanking [in
1037| was Chinese propaganda —he
probably forget the date of Pearl Har
bor but 1 remember the Jon! Um from
that generation. goddamn it! He's read
ing history and when it doesn't suit his
own bigotry, he changes it. Why should I

€ be

mb betes Iwo

respond to a guy like that? The act that
a thinking, grown adult could. invoke
racism. proves that Ws a racist. 1 put
Ishihara in the class of—to be polite—
reactionaries. Everybody has his st

re ol
non. T
would hope tha become
the leader of the nation. because I dont
think he represents the
Japanese thinking today
PLAYBOY: What about his comments that
American business leaders such as you
are at fault for the dire economic situa-
tion in this country?

IACOCCA: We're all at fault, I guess. for
going astray. You cam point fingers. We
must have dene something wrong—our
industrial poliey is in disarray: The Gov-
ernment, Ihe w

loose cannons and hes a loose cai
he wouldy

stream ol

s and the n

menm give them all one third of the
blame. Thar tucludes me on the n
agement Bur 10 have these
p]apanese] second-guessers pointing
fingers and. saving that because they ve
got their house in order economically,
that makes them a superior race—well, 1
just dont buy that shit I never will.

PLAYBOY: ^ look at Mr. Iacocca,” Ishih;

side.

“The Japanese don't
walk on waler. They re nol
superior. Don't gel an
inferiority complex,
Americans; they've gol a
lol of warts, too.”

said. sponsible, incompetent,
dirty and he says diflerent
things at dilereni times.

1ACOCCA: You will not provoke... 1

hor going to call him names. 1 could call
him better names than that—theyd be
dirty, but more original.

We work hard every «
like bei
Japanese arc feci

iy and we dont
called racists or bashers. The
a little bit arrogai

now. [Their charges] are all smoke
screens—they re red. herrings. because
they havent jomed the free world. yer
when n comes to trade and business.

Moris own son was quoted
gazine | July 24, 1989], say-

in Forbes ma

vg. "My Farher's generation knew. that
they were playing by different rules
from the West when it cime to trade, bur

they pretended they dicht understand
the rules. ‘Thats why they won.” Now,
that’s according to the kid, Pye never
met [Akio Morita]. but, believe me, we
keep a book on the guy

PLAYBOY: lu an article you wrote,
s wrapped sell
Whar docs th
IACOCCA: D habs just an expres

you
n

m used

to talk about peeling back this veil
they've wrapped themselves in. It shows
that they don't walk on water They're
nol superior. Don't get an inferiority
complex, Americans: they've gota lot of
warts, too. Let's look at their weaknesses
and exploit them like they do ours. Let's
et together.

Notice: H E had written a similar arti-
cde about Germans—who are much fair-
er in trade—and E said E wanted to peel
back the Scotchgard Lederhosen, 1
wouldn't have goten one line ol criti-
cism in any press. Why? You tell me.

When 1 wrote that, | never thought
mentioning a kimono would be any dil
ferent Irom people referring to us as the
guys with the three-piece suits the
ray-Hannel syndrome. I would never
feel offended by that, But the Japanese
arc touchy about everything, especially
il you get ro them on any commercial ba
sis. Then they really turn up the hi
PLAYBOY: Is this reverse racism?
IACOCCA: If you want to talk about
racism. talk to a Korean [who lives ii
Or talk 10 the Vietnamese boat
people. Nobody took them in
took them, OK? But the Japanese are
really pure: they dont want any of those
guys contaminating their society. Histor-
ically, the most bigoted countries are the
ones with absolute, pure races. They re
ally get racist, Whether it’s Adolf Hitler
with his supe ace theory or the
Japanese and the way they treat Kore-
ans. We don't go lov that jazz. And vet
they call our country too heterogeneous.
PLAYBOY: You're referring. to the com-
ments made in 1986 by former prin
minister Nakasone, that American edu
cational levels are pulled down by the

presence of blacks and Hispanics
nd. Our di-

lAcOCCA: Phat blows my n
versity makes this country
gue me - more
+ Bur that's our damn strength, Our
creativity comes from me and an Arab
sitting down together. Yes, we ger argu-
mentative, but we're both Americans,
were citizens. Bur now [ve got to hear
this unadulterated crap that if. you're
not homogeneous and pure, somehow
you can't resolve. problems. you cant
compromise, you can never get consen-
sus mien: nit. Bi bothers the hell «
of me that people believe that.
This subject gets me right
groin, When Hhelped open up the €
Tall on Ellis Island in September, it wi
to ho y seventeen. million immi
rant parents and. grandparents—all
diflerent—and a hundred million of us
ollspring. 1 domt think I have an Halian
temper, but this gets me hot. Its sayin
somehow, we did it wrong. The unsung
heroes of our industrial revolution arc
the im ants.
PLAYBOY: But hasnt our diversity con
tributed to some of the country’s current
problems?
IACOCCA: Sure, the

c. west

n the
at

ve conflicts. Bu

PLATYRODY

with all our problems, this is will
the kind of country I want to live
in. This past century was our century
lotally. How did we do it Diversity. Guts
Courage. We stuck with the program

That's why the world is so great
Were the country that won the big
war fair square: the country. that

won the Cold War by h:
with your tix money and mine,
Gorbachev emerged and said, “Tha
what we want, too.” And notice, wh
comes to crunch time in the Persian
Gulf, only the US. can pull it together
We're the only guys who'll play pivot
Who else would have stopped the mad
man, hub? Saddam Hussein, he's like a
Hither, What's Japar
takes over all of Altica—protest?

PLAYBOY: America did play the pivotal
vole in the Gulf crisis, but what about the
cost? Can this country really aflord such
a huge commitment to the Middle East?
IACOCCA: It's expensive. The price ol
lership for sending troops to the Per
1 Gull w onc billion dol-
lars a month by October. [Secretary ol
James] Baker says were there for

ig to do as he

understand, as somebody wrote in one
of the newspapers, the true cost of send-
ing the Navy and the troops back and
forth over there is like paying eighty
dollars a barrel for oil. So we've got to
get some of our friends 10 help pay
Look at this! [Removes newspaper clip
Ping [vom briefcase] 1 cut this out of The
New York Time—the reason I eut it out is
that Lcouldirt believe my eyes. Is a sto-
ry abom ‘Tokyo's response to criticism
that they re not pulling their share in
the Gull. Jesus Christ, that’s the under
statement of the year, But here's the
thing that killed me I says that
Japanese auto makers have agreed to lei
their government use ships taking Hon-
1 Toyotas to the US. 10 pick up
they bou
Arabia.

hi from us and
On the way

to Su
over, they drop their product here. In

other words, we've got to keep the vil
Towing so they can build the cars, ship
them over here and contribute to our
trade in vec of forty-nine billion dol
lars. We spend a billion dollars a month
on troops, supportin ws ability to
keep di y to us for an
other twenty-hve years. And our Treas-
ury borrows from the Japanese at [eight
point eight] percent interest so they can

g the cars and make the im-
Pretty soon D say, “Oh,
my Gul." Ia -blood-
cd American doesn't respond. to that,
it the hell is he going to respond to?
PLAYBOY: So what would you have them
doz Fight im the Middle bast?

IACOCCA; No. They always invoke the
name of Barry Truman, or the fact their
constitu forbids them to send troops.
L say, “You've got it wrong: We don't

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PLAYBOY

want you 16 dl your constitution
and send soldiers. [ust send money. Lots
and lots ol money

PLAYBOY: Whiu does the Gull crisis mean
Tor the car business

IACOCCA: | he industry is on its ass, real-
Iy down. Nobody's buying anything and

people are worried about their jobs. Fm

mge

secing all kinds ol layoffs. Lets hope this
docs last move than a year
PLAYBO!

eil crisis—

The last two times there was an
1 1973 and 1970
cos and switched to four

you down

sized. your

cylinder engines. But. in the

past ten

years, the trend is once again toward

heavier cars with La Can

nes

er eny
you again reverse the tend?
IACOCCA: You can't force people to buy
anything, So Lar there ismt much
change. You cant. downsize anymore
That's like going on a dict and losing
then the
“Lose forty more, then forty more:
With all the technol-
ogy. we might be able 10 get ten percent

forty pounds, doctor. says

Then you're dead.

more [uel ellicieney
But it's true that the American public

still goes lor bigg Is crazy:

er cars you

have a lour-thousand- pound car with a

low-hundred-cubicineh V-cight engine

wound a onc-hundred-fficen-
Phats wasting gas and

pound woman.

putting fossil-fuel emissions into the air
M Chrysler, our biggest monster is a
Vesix three-point-cight-liter engine: but

these Cadillacs and Lincoln Town Cars
with five-liter V-cights are. selling in
at volume. Chrysler is poised to make
lot of lour-eylinder engines. But il I
took the lead in building those cars. my
epitaph would read.
BUE IIE WENT BANK

Hs GLY WAS RIGHT

BECAUSE HE IGNORED

ms ver. Much as I hate to say it. vou
still have to follow the market

PLaYBOY: How does the country avoid
getting itself into another oil crisis?
IACOCCA: We have to get away [rom
these continuous Ineinations in the

price of oil. We'd be in less of a wrench if
we had kept oil at twenty to twenty-five
dollars a barrel instead of lering it Lall 10
twelve dollars a barrel. What causes dis-
locations all over the world are these
sudden, violent swings. 1 could be radi
cal and say I don't think we'd be havi
this crisis if we had an energy policy. lv
been saying lor ten vears that we need to
raise the gas tax. HT were a leader, Fd
give the country a dose of castor oil right

now and say it was due to one guy: Sad-
dam Hussei
PLAYBOY: Do you think President Bush

understands the concept ol an energy
policy and an industrial policy?

1acocca: No. E think Republicans by nit
ture dort want 10 understand it
define it as some bureaucrat sining
around in a room picking winners and
losers. Reagan snookered us by saving
industrial policy was a dirty word be

They

cause it was used by Jimmy Carter and
Walter Mondale

PLAYBOY: So. in at way, the Guill crisis and
the renewed attention to conservation
have vindicated Carter's attempt to get
Americans to save energy?

IACOCCA: Yes, but Carter just client say it
tight. He used the conservation ethic
turned down the thermostat and gor
blasted out of office. Sometimes it takes

twenty or thirty years to prove that a y

was right. But ai the time, it didit se

politically right
PLAYBO'
ism toward. the

jui

back to the question of

a have

Japanese. ye
been accused of fanning those Hanes

1ACOCC, + fucked by juxtaposition. I
was in Monte Carlo a few months ago.
watching Cable News Network in my
hotel. Here comes a story
running rampant in the United States
West Los Angeles: people beating the
shit out of Hispanics. Bensonhurst
white guys beating the hell out of a
black. Somebody else a dla
I's a wild tape Ti shows the Ku
Klan. then Adolf Hitler,
And right im the
Just because | did à

Racism is

is burning
Klux
then some skin

heads. muddle, they

drop me! commer

cial saying were y inleriority

ing

complex and our ca od as the
Japanese.

You journalists do it all the time
can. write somethin

“Oh, by the way

sare as g

You
g real bad and say.
not for attribution, but

pürist. — -

a guy said then yon mention my

name between two paragraphs. Thats
the same as putting me between the
skinheads and the Ku Klux Klan.
PLAYBOY: Oh. Then lets get basic
What's your seal quarrel with the
Japanese?

14COCCA: We don't have Bree trade. We
doni have access 10 their markets

They're beating our brains in! They are
hell

an island. a small enclave

mercamilistio (ill wont have it
out
there at the end. of the Bur
they've gor to open up their thinking

These guys are dragging their leet. I's

Dhey re
world

been forty-live vears since the end of the

Is time for them to join the big

leagues.
The

know

war
free-trade dog
Free trade lorever^—is a cha-
rade. The Bush Administration took
Japan olf the unfai-trade list. but it kept
India on. Can you believe that? What
the hell's going on? They re still playing
Washington. And sure as

great

you

games down
hell. there's going to be a trade war—re-

nil we continue to argue about

aliat.

day, rice another

PLAYBOY: Specifically, how should they
change

tacocca: For starters, they should open
up their markets. open them up fully
Start playing hurly in that regard, OR
guyss Hs a huge market, that whole
Pacihe rim, Were up to a hliy-billion

dollar trade delicit and they won even
buy our world-class F-16 fighter jet,
which has the highest quality at the low
est cost. You just cant go on like that
This Government under Bush, led by
[Trade Representative] Carla Hills, says
"Oh. no. what we have to do is set

economics in order.” which

our nae
means. "Let's get our deheit down. then
everything will be OR

T could change that fifty
thirty

Lec
urs in

I say to her,
billion-dollar
five billion dollars of it is «

trade imbalance

Laicocca, could cur evo billion dol

the morning.”
That's great

you do that?
Honda has agreed to sell up to five

One guy? How would

thousand Jeeps. Give me a commitment
for fiy thousand. I cut a billion oll the
deficit right there.

PLAYBOY: Has Honda agreed to sell up to
five thousand Jeeps in Japan

IACOCCA: Yeah. they ie just now getting
d. They dont have a light iuck. so

apatible with their. product. line
We a to do

it They said

ked our partner, Mitsubish

We already built one, we

don't need you." I said, “Yeah, but guys,

remember, someday. . . J

The U.S. already has nineteen thou-
sand American entrepreneurs and deal-
ers selling Japanese cars. and for a long
time, we didit have one selling our Gus
in dual dealerships in Japan. The Min-

4373 CEPT WHER PIC

istiy of Trade and Industry [METI |—o
someone—had pur out the goddamn

So Morita sand. “Why
doesn't he come to Japan and sell Jeeps

word nor to do it

on his own?”
PLAYBOY: Well. why didni voi
IACOCCA: We tied it three years age. We
did one study of a small dealership in
Tokyo. The

lind would have cost us

twenty-three million dollars: [apa

little island. By the tine I bou
land. and put right-hand drive in the
cars [in Japan. velucles are driven on the left
vide of the mad | with the low sales volum

have

L could have expected, 1 would
gone bust belore E even started
PLAYBOY: But vou solved that problem
with à US. Japan jomt venture that ic
cently opened Chrysler dealerships in
three large Japanese cities. So what's
your problem now?

Iacocca: Well. we also have
plants Japanese and Korean

ten trans-
ar facto-

ries thar have opened in the U.S. and in
Canada. Every one is. loaded like a
Christmas tree with tax benehts Irom

But nobody's invit
in Japan. 1
with Mitsubishi im I

the individual states
ed me to do a transplant ove

have a joint pl
nois. and thats where 1 could get che
other billion. dollars off the trade
deticit.

PLAYBOY: From one plam? How?
lACOCCA: | could national
content of the car we build there—the

one

reverse the

TED, MAJOS
OED Dr MONS

PLAYBOY

Laser, à very good car, by the way. Right
now, ¡Us seventy percent Japanese con
tentand thirty percent Chrysler content
So E just reverse it —put in one of my de
isso that seventy percent of the
content is ours and not coming over in
boxes from Japan. We're going 10 talk
with Mitsubishi about this. We're hope
ful it will work out. Otherwise, we'll have
big, big argument over the thing
PLAYBOY: More than two thirds of the
Laser is Japanese-built?

IACOCCA: Yeah, and that brings up an-
other job 1 think our Government
should do to help us: There should be a
würh-in-local-content law. When you say
content, youre trying to relate it. like
anions do, to how many jobs you have

The Japanese pretty well control all the
sophisticated stuff on these cars. What
they use from us is il ibly labor
and hule automated stamping plam
and they buy the tives and batteries. F
sentially, the vest ol the stull comes Irom
them. And thats the kick in the pants to
me

PLAYBOY: Why?

tacocca: Fake just the car paris. How
many parts do yon think the U.S. car
Irom Japan? We spend
eleven and a half billion dollars a year!
Morita and others ask why we buy so
many paris from them. 1 say, "Well
thats what Iree trade is all about: the
best quality at the lowest price.” How
much do vou think they buy Irom us?
Only five hundred million dollars?
Phats an eleven-billion-dollar imbal-
ance just in parts!

PLAYBOY: Maybe the Japanese feel that
your components aren't up to their
sumelirels.

IACOCCA: Then I say, “Dor
crap that we're not good.” [The Ameri
can parts manalactarers] sell fifteen bil-
lion dollars a year 10 Germany, Europe
and the rest of the world. Hihe US. can
sell parts to Mercedes—like we did at
Ford, with our speed control—that
proves we have quality and competitive
cosi. G.M. and Dare parmers—we build
the best four-wheel-drive equipment in
the world. Truck transmissions. We are
two powerhouses, two of the biggest
companies in the world. And Japan
docsi't buy shit from us, OK?
PLAYBOY: Do you really think th
span fully opened its markets, we could

usse

makers bu

Y give us this

even if

sell them enough product to make a real
dent in the trade deficit?
IACOCCA: We will never sell a million cars

in Japan. Never, But how about other
producis? And how about those F-16
lighter jets?

PLAYBOY: Ihe Reagan Administration
signed a deal to build a joint fighter air-
craft with Japan rather than sell them
our F-16.

IACOCCA: Ihe new

hemed the deal fron
ministration, and. they

snookered. Take as

Administration. in
the Reagan Ad-

know we got
spel, 1 was

down at the White House one day talk-
ing to a high official won't say who-
and said, "Why don't we just renege?
the Japanese change Mei minds.” He
said. “That would be like breaking a
contract” E said, “The Japanese break
them when it suits (her purpose” But
what I really think is that maybe they
had us by the balls.
PLAYBOY: How so? Do yo
thing we dont know?
IACOCCA: | cant prove it, but 1 think
maybe there was some Japanese pres-
sure—=somebody saying, "Hey were

know some-

buying all of these bonds and taking
care ol your debt. We may not come 10
your financial markets for a while. We

could. really put. you in a tail spin, se
you'd better talk turkey with us.” The
U.S. was in a crisis then at the Tuesday
bond auctions,

So what E worry about as an Americ
is our Financial destiny, which E think is
somewhere out in lel held
fcre just too dependent on those
IOUs.

PLAYBOY: Lets get v
the past twenty ye
such as Toyota, S

al fundamental. In
rs, older companies
y and Honda started
à products and goin

for

seas market ——

IACOCCA: And they said. "Screw our own
market, We'll send everything we have
overseas, H we have to dump [sell below
cost] to get our beachhead, we'll dump.”
ad they did.

And look what happened next. In
1985, the dollu-yen exchange rate
changed. Alter that, American products
as. My sales went up.
sin Korea, five tl
in Taiwan; we're up to fifty thousand
a Europe. But how come
only a thousand in Japan? How come
Japan is rhe only country in the world
that didn't respond 10 the reduced costs
of our cars? The Japanese market is
rigged, Em telling you. The son of a
biteli is rigged! Its rigged!
PLAYBOY: OK, so il Japan oper
kets, what's your second wish?
TACOCCA: Simple: Get the cost of capital
down. Do whatever it takes to get my in-
terest rates from ten percent to seven

cost less overse
thousand ur

now

its mar-

percent. I would show you a lot of
Chrysler sales start tomorrow In
Japan, the banks work very closely wi

certain companies and have very low i
terest rates. When [get up in the morn-
ing, P decl like Fm taking on Toyota,
Honda, ihe Bank of Japan and MTEI

PLAYBOY: Bur the US. is depend
relatively high interest
budget delicit, right
IACOCCA: Exactly. We
1OUs, which they take and say. "Hey. as
long as we have them, you'd bener keep
that goddamned interest rate at nine or
ten percent or we may go to Germany
with our. investment capital Or they
say, “We have so many of your LOLs,
wed bener swap some of them in, So

on
ates to finance

give Japan our

well buy Rockeleller Center” And then
everybody goes apeshit. Well, what are
they supposed to do with the money?
They cant put it under à matress.
PLAYBOY: How much trouble isthe Uno
ed States really in with its win deficits
trade and budget
tacocea: INE didiri work at Chrysler. Ud.
tell you how deep. But every now and
then, Ego off the deep end and our deal-
ers say, “Jesus Christ, people weigh your
every word and you're depressing them
You might create asell-lullilling proph
cy and cause a bigger depression.
But I think our politicians are trying
to conceal from us how bad it is. They
said the SEL losses would be three hun-
dred billion dollars; now they're maybe
five hundred bill . They really
cooked the books! even going
to show a filty-billion-dollay profi by hav-
ing this mess. Talk about creative ac
counting. Now they ve decided they re
going to put fifty billion dollars on the
books and the other two hundred fifty
or three hundred billion dollars theyre
hot going to show. I's going off rhe bal-
ance sheer and theyre going to sell
bends. Well, who the hell are they bull-
shittin liability on
books.
PLAYBOY: So what do yon propose?
IACOCCA: The first thing is, we have 10
start living within our means. We should
produce more and consume less. We
should save more and borrow less. Geez,
| sound like Ben Franklin. Anyway, lor
openers, lets em the budget deficit in
hall: interest. rates will come down and
we'll have a boom. Then we can start
ging our w ol this hole and not
be so dependent on Japanese money

Ws a somebody's

Irs one thing to get hooked on a Sony
Walkman, or on a Toyota. But when you
set hooked on their money, youre
looked.

PLAYBOY: Specilically, how do we cut the
budget deficit in halt?

IACOCCA: You go where the money is.
The same as Willie Sutton: Why did he
rob a bank? Because thats where the
money was. [ was on the National Eco-
nomic Commission [rom 1987 to 1988
and we went to the Defense. Depart-
ment—that’s where the money was. This
Gorbachev. We said, “Take
1 eut right oÑ the top dor

live

was pr
perce
inelliciency
PLAYBOY: What about the thorny issue ol
income taxes and President Bush's turn
about on his “No new taxes” promise

IACOCCA: | went to sec George Bush ar
his house before he was elected. I've
known George for a long time, he's a
good guy; P didnt even call him Mi
Vice-President—just George. Anyway. |
remember it well: He was seventeen
points behind Dukakis at the time, and |
said, “George, why would you want to be
President and have the deficit nipping at
you day and night? Kill in quick. Take a
Tr will make the next

good shot at

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Tour years much more pleasant." Then 1
said, "Look, why don't you use the Na
tional Economic Commission as a sheet
to windward? You can say these distin
guished, bipartisan people came up with
a wonderful program that you decided
10 present to the American people.”
PLAYBOY: What was his response?
IACOCCA: I'm not going to tell you every-
thing that was discussed, but basically,
he said, “Eve got to get elected first.” Of
course, I didn't know he'd go way out on
the cliff and say, “Read my lips." That
boxed him in

PLAYBOY: And he won the election
1ACOCCA: Yeah, everybody was spooked
by what happened to Walter Mondale
when he mentioned taxes in 1984. Now
the Republicans can say, “We got clected
by saying no to taxes.”

It reminds me of Ronald Re
You've got to give him credit lor onc
thing—he had a very simple message:
Everybody who wants a strong delense
so that we stand tall in the saddle,
raise your hands.” Everybody shouts,
Yeaaahhh!” "OK, lm going to give you
a defense budget of three hundred bil-
lion dollars, because Carter. screwed. it
up. Now, anybody who wants their taxes
reduced at the same time, raise your
hands.” "Oh, that's my man.” Talk about
unicate
Back in 1984 and 1988, people
were talking about you as a potential

Presidential candidate. In fact, polls
once showed you beating both Bush and
Dukakis. What about it? Would you run?
1ACOCCA: I think I should start a third
party just 10 shake things up. I would
never win, but I would like to get twen-
ty-five percent of the vote and scare the
living shit out of some people, bring
them back to their senses. The probl
is, I don't believe in doing anything you
know you're not going to win.

PLAYBOY: So would you run?

IACOCCA: Not really. Pm not that dumb
that Fd want to get into polit I
wouldn't run for President, simply be-
cause the Lord's. already touched me
and said, "Pm going to give you a taste
You are going to be
d of the commission to restore the
ame of Liberty and Ellis Island.” It
punds innocuous, but it almost drove
me nuts. 1 helped raise three hundred
fifty million dollars, and they end up
firing me.

PLAYBOY: What lor?

IACOCCA: Because the guys down in
Washington didn't realize the American
public was pouring out its heart. When
they saw three hundred fifty million dol-
lars coming in, they couldn't wait to get
their crummy little hands on it. They
put out a new rule: A man who raises
money should have nothing to do with
spending it. | asked myself, If Pm hav-

of how bad it i
he

as beautiful as restoring a symbol—
which should be fun—how would Eh
to live in Washington every day?

So that scared you ofl

IACOCCA:

It taught me a lesson, Bur if 1
d and went to heaven, what Pd like is
: 10 have a President come to me and
“I need a Mr. Inside to be my C.E.O.
rd
like to do that. I'd like to be the inside
man. I'd like to run the economic side ol
the business. People say I'm a crisis man
ager. In a way, | am.

PLAYBOY: Do you have some solid ideas
about what this country's leaders should
do to turn things around?
1ACOCCA: Oh, hell, yes. For
think the President ought to have one
six-y. II he's think
ing about in his first term is how to get
re-elected. II were President, Fd come
in and say, "Here's my plank, elect me
for one term and FII deliver: One, edu-
cate everybody. Tivo, take care of the sick
and the aged." Any society that cant
take care of their aged or their handi-
capped is a sick society. And then Fd
take one third out of the delense budg-
et—despite the Persian Gulf crisis. And
I'd be on TV every thirty days giving
you a synopsis of how we were doin
PLAYBOY: Have these issues been over-
looked by recent Administrations?
tacocea: | once asked President Rew
Whats

say,
while Um chairman of the board.

starters, I

term. Otherwi:

es are ther

PLAYBOY

your moncta
policy, whars your trade policy, what's
your tax policy, what's your energy poli-
cy. whar's your. environmental policy?
Tell me in twenty-five words or less.” Of
course, he didnt know what the shit I
was talking about.

PLAYBOY: How has President Bush re-
sponded to your suggestions?

1ACOCCA: Oh, Bush knows my poems
cold —he's tired of hearing it from me.
He likes me: | a tells his guys, " Lis-
to what hes saying, because he
knows how to say it and sell it”
PLAYBOY: Whitt kinds of policies do you
want to help formulate

IACOCCA: Industrial policy. I hate to use
the words—theyre dirty words in our
system. The Republicans say, "The
no way we're tampering with this won-
destul system of ours”; but this wonder-
a is losing! And when you're

y policy, what's your fiscal

lul. syst

losing. you say, "Hold it! Change your
ways A good manager doesnt sit
around when he's getting his brains

knocked in.

PLAYBOY: Do you think we need a MITI
like Japan's?

IACOCCA: We need something like
here are certain areas where we should
not pick winners and losers but maybe
pick industries that we think are impor-
tam. We thought we ld
leader in microprocessors, but Japan has
caught up us, and now they're
ito pi need a bener or-
anization hest levels of Gov-
ernment to understand what trade and
commerce are all about.

PLAYBOY: The notion of Government di-
recting business sounds like heresy, com-
ing fom a captain of capitalism
IACOCCA: Look, lers be honest. We've
had industries that have always had a lor
ol. subsidi such
aerospace. IF biochemistry or medical
breakthroughs are important, we should
probably do more than just support the

were the we

with

ment should be subsidizing the launch,
How did Japan do it? We taught
them, They had cartels before the war,
and General Douglas MacArthur went
im and broke them up. But now Mit
subishi—well, God, now they're huge.
Mitsubishi has an aerospace company.
they have electronics, they have auta
e the bank. IL one of their peo-
good invention or something.
"s having trouble, they just call ev-
ervbody together as a group. They say,
g to take care of the po
k sheep of the family for a couple of
s and eventually he'll pay it back.
They've got a system of everyone pro-
lecting one another. Why don't we work
out something to help one anothe
PLAYBOY: So you think we should have
zubalsus—he old Japanese cartels?
Chrysler would have a bank a

umer elec

building company and con
tronics and
TACOCCA: I don't think 1 our nature
to do that; that would be like changing
the whole goddamned. system. So Eve
got to watch what I say here.

We don't have to have the zaibaisns or
the interlocking managements. That
would be heresy: ld go agai
country's. hisiory—our laws, the $
1 Act, trust busting, the railroads, the
oil companies and the big robber
barons. They got so much conirol that
they were ruling the whole country and
setting the prices. Sull, our whole system
has got to be redirected a bil to the
stakeholders and not just to the stock-

ist our

holders. Somewhere in the Eighties, we
lost our way. I think it ca from Wall
Sweet and the scramble for the fast

buck. We've got to think about people's
jobs, the people who pay the taxes, and
maybe those who don? pay taxes when
their plant is closed. Then a town like
Detroit only gets seedier because there's
no tax
PLAYBO:

with America's
idition. Why would you even

ey breaks

IACOCCA: Because Tve had experience
with it, When Chrysler almost. went
l
was by having an industrial policy—
Government and management and ki-
bor in the sai saving, "We 1
going to sac s when I said,
“OR, the first year, PIL work for onc
buck."

PLAYBOY: Fine, but you sure made up for
it on the other end when C. ler be-
Came a success: You carned more than
twenty million dollars in 1986.

t was because when 1 came
whole lot o pa-
salary.

to Chrysler, 1 took
per—stock. options—instead ol
ysler stock was then at
nd one eighth dollars] per sl
we decided T shouldn't get it ai
x dollars. I
hed it go up
become worthless
fourteen dollars, 1 kept
. dump it. Take your
dollars—that's à hell of a profit
trom six dollars.” But E didnt sell minc
at fourteen dollars. Each year, E would
just take im slug and cash it in. At
its peak, with splits, it was up to one
hundred dollars.
So I don't apolo
rode with me. I de
body for the fact t
in the company. Everybody who held on
went up with me on that same tide.
PLAYBOY: Not the guy on the assembly
line. Even if he held on to his stock, he
still in a diflerent world, The fact r
mains that, under your contract—with
salary and stock options—you made al-

1, so | got
lot of i. Py
hed it

ze to the banks that
Yt apologize to any-
1 had conlidence

t forty-six million dollars in a four-
period.

IACOCCA: The bx
Act because th

d gave me that con
felt that 1 was a good

they kept a no-hit her. They also
wanted to make sure | didni get rich
a them.

igh to define making money
uy on the line, because there's no
difference to him between one million
dollars and one hundred million de
We've had some profit-sharing
but now he's making thirty-five dollars
an hour with fringes. There aren't many
jobs elsewhere for thirty-hive-dollar-ar
hour workers.

And it is true that we've always paid
executives fairly highly in the auto busi-
ness. But our basic salaries are pretty
nominal by US. standards.

PLAYBOY: What do you call noi al?
IACOCCA: Well, Fm up to eight hundred
thousand dollars a y now. Alter forty
years, tha's the highest l've ever bec
paid in salary. The auto business was al-
ways cyclical, boom or bust, and in the
good years, you got a bonus that could
equal your salary. You could make
other eight hundred thousand dollars.
PLAYBOY: Does making so much money
play a big role in motivating you?
IACOCCA: Not at all. After the first couple
of million. | . . Anybody who is motivated.
by just trying to keep score, to sec who's
the richest guy—well, m just not built
that way. You can't take it w
whats the motivation? I was making
good money when the Ford Mustang
me out, because it scored. | was thirty-
nine. I said, “Geez, 1 don't know wh;
Vm working for, but 1 do know I want to
pay back society.” which Fm doing now
with my left hand. I have the Diabetes
Foundation, our. education. work. with.
Reading Is Fundamental, and I started.
the lacocca Competitiveness m
Lehigh University.
you start out, you're a
ist. There are certain nice little toys yc
want: a vacation house, a home with sev
en bathrooms, 1 of one with two
bathrooms like the one 1 grew up in. We
don't need seven bathrooms, but it
part of the deal, 1 ve a good
standard of living, but I've never had an
airplane or a horse or a boat

PLAYBOY: But you've had some nice cars
the w
Ih. yeah. E just bought à Lan
borghini Countache.

PLAYBOY: Bought? Doesn't Chrysler own
Lambo:
IACOCC. yeah, but
hundred-thousand-dollar car Can you
magine me taking one as a company
ar? They'd be all over

PLAYBOY: You come to vak in a chaul-
feured Chrysler Imperial. Do you ever
have ume to drive your own cars?
IACOCCA: Sure. | like to drive a minivan.
Just the other day, 1 bought a Knock

that's a two-

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PLAYBOY: Where do you do your. driv

where yon have
your vacation villa
and your vineyard
What do
there?

IACOCCA: Read
1 just put up
five hammocks. 1

von do

also have a bore
Borce’s good
exercise "
fisthights, but
Ws good exercise

PLAYBOY: Do

cou
you

vou

imd yoursell re
u 1o vom
habian roots as you
get oklerz

IACOCCA: A bit, yes.
When 1 grew up in
Pennsylvania, my
sister and | were
trying to assimilate
so we didit talk
alan. Bur my

daughter speaks
and writes it flu-
ently. 1 think. we
skipped a genera
tion 10 go hack to
the roots. But ws a
dont
Hal

shame we
have those bi

ian Sunday dinners
anymore, with filty
people around
here c no

neighborhoods

le, so where the

heil are you going
to Imd the people?
Hey re all on a jet
going someplace
Ws a
much of. om

crime so
enl-

ture has been
crushed
PLAYBOY: We're
wld you like to
cook Talian food.
1ACOCCI went to

cooking school in

Modena, Haly, with
my daughter We got pretty
Knock vou dead with some veal dishe
svo mero and saltimbocea. U vou want a
great pasta dish, just n
ma pasta. Then take a couple of loves of
garlic and olive oil
Y

ike some semole

my olive oil, the best
Maybe

teens on in now and then lor favor, or

1 olive oil, throw

some

a hot pepper. You ein eat thar day or

night. Dur Eve got to watch my weight.
Yhars why [try to do the treadmill ev-
ery lunch hour for thirty minutes

PLAYBOY: You vc written that you lived in
the lap ol luxury ar Ford—white-coated
waiters. the works. Whats it like at
Chrysler

1ACOCCA: una fish on rye at my desk

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* Manufacturer's suggested retail price,

PLAYBOY: Mier the boom years of the
mid-Righties. the company now seems
to be on the skids. You've taken losses in
recent quarters, vou ve asked the unions
o accept company stock instead of a pay

Increase, you've lost some ol vour h

est executives in the past year What
happened
1ACOCCA: minute, this ls like

Ws piling-on time. Sure, doing some ex-
tracurricular things like the St
Liberty project took my eve olf the ball.
But il I had thought that one guy had to
watch everything in
a thirty-five-
1 del
wald, who delegated to Hal Sperlich,

uc ol

company this size
on-dollar compa

Listen, ed 10 Jerry Green

who delegated 16

Bob Lutz Then
you say. “Well, youn
guys Gs a team
didnt score as
highly as they
might have.” OK.
what did we learn
from it? Let's

change it

PLAYBOY: OL the
top men whe Ich
you list year, Ger-
ald Greenwald's
departure was Ihe
most devastating
He was your hen
apparent

IACOCCA: Yeah. Jer

ms leaving was

blow. He was mo
than the heir ap
parent, and he was
making plenty of
money, too. But he
gotan oller of nine
million dollars tor
just ninety days ol
trying to put 10-
gether rhe
ing for the union
buy-out of. United
Anlines And then
if that worked, he
was 10 stay on as
C.E.O.

financ

and get
than a mil-
lion dollars a ven
But thats. peanuts

compared with
stock he'd Irom
union, which

would be maybe up
to twenty-five mil-
lion dollars. When
llew over to
Italy and laid the
deal on me. he said

it wasn't the money

eit was the
told
have

ale
challenge. 1
him hed

plenty of challenge
ar Chrysler Bur
nine million dollars
is enough to give any reasonable or sane

man pause—win or lose, you get nine
million dollars. That's a good summers
work, right? [As of mid-October, the at-
tempted union buy-out of United Air
lines had failed. |

do you fault him for lea

ure E fault him. Why noi He

grew up with me. He'd been in the en

business for thirty-two years, sume two
companies as me— Ford and Chrysler
Ist there anything sacred anvmore?
Isi there any loyalty to anythin

L told him, “Jerry. it’s the Nincties
Ihe Eighties were this kind of thing:
you should have done it then, and 1
would have written you olas caught up
in the Yuppie movement. But thats

over. The mere fact that they can pas

nine million dollars for ninety days
shows that its go-go time again. Aier
you've drawn your nine milion dul
lars—and. even if you become CO
voull still look back on all the friends
vou talked. into. coming with you. to
Chrysler, and it’s vill an act ol walking
out on the gang. Easy come, easy go.” 1
even told him, “I you want to climb a
mountain twice, do it with Chrysler”

PLAYBOY: How high is the mountain vou
have to climb right now? Es it 1080 and
possible bankruptcy all over
VACOCC)
turnaround ten years ai
ing up Mount Everest without any tools
That was climbing barchanded. Now 1
can relax at night, because Eve got four
billion dollars in. cash. reserves. 1 can
meet payrolls and pay the suppliers on
time. But Fd like to do more than just

2 No, That last mountain—the
was like

break even, which is all we've done for
the past nine months

PLAYBOY: People have begun Faultir
Chrysler for the gaps in its car linc: You
dont have a small-car successor 10 the
Dodge Omm and. Plymouth. Horizon
vou dont have a mid-size car to compete
against the Ford Taurus and Mercury
Sable; your only real money-makers are
the Jeep and the minivans.

1ACOCCA: What the hell's wrong with our
cars? I ıhink we have a damned. good
product Bine out. The Spirit and the Ac
claim are rated up there with the Hon-
the shit out of them
And even though I cant advertise it,
what gave me a real boost was Consumer
Reports. Out of the filty-nine cars they
recommended in 1990, filieen of then
are Chryslers. OK, two are joint-design
cars with Mitsubishi, and three others
are Colts that we buy Irom Mitsubishi
But ten are Chryslers.

PLAYBOY: What about a small car?
IACOCCA: We can't allord an Omni or a
Horizon—we can't build a small car and
make a dime. We just came out with our

das—we're selli

America series at seven thousand. five
hundred ninety-nine dollars: well get
hall the small
Everybody's chasi

drivers back that way
the law ol ce
tive advantage, Japan wants to buikl its

small cars in Korea now: Korea is prol
bly going to ler some developing nation
like Poland do ìt, if they can ger dire

cheap labor
PLAYBOY: And a mid-r
IACOCCA; b hats coming lor 1902 and-a-
halt. Fin the first to say I wish E had it
today. Bur D made the decision—me
alone—to develop the minivan frst. a

ge car?

ider's. Gaodman, Hudson Gordman, LeRoy's, Osten

Cy ocafion nearest you and our free 46 "s Quality

PLAYBOY

car that had never existed. We decided
to do that as opposed to a new pickup
truck. Each [vehicle] costs a billion dol-
lars to develop, and I couldn't do them
all at once. Alter that, we felt it was im-
portant to take care of the full Jeep line
So what we're missing is what is longing-
ly called the pure middle and upper
middle end of the market—what we call
our LH program.

PLAYBOY: But it's those decisions that left
you with the gaps.

IACOCCA: Look, there's a recession on.
Chrysler is the smallest of the big-three
car companies, and the transplants
are coming on strong. So people say
we have lackluster product. Where's the
ackluster product? 1 go burn myself out
on a six-city promotional trip that costs
four million dollars; the press dogs me,

led by the America bashers, the
Japanese, beating my head in at every
stop, saying, “How dare you?” I s

“Hey, I'm Willy Loman. I've got a smile
on my face and a shine on my shoes. I'm
out there hustling. Um selling what I
got. And what 1 got is prey damned
good! You want me to give up? Drop

dead!”

PLAYBOY: How much is the recession
hurting you?

lacocca: There's no problem that a

three-point drop in interest rates
wouldn't cure. But there are too many
cars being built right now for the Ameri-
can market. You get rebates up to twelve
hundred fifty dollars a car, just when
we're struggling to cut costs by two point
five billion dollars at Chrysler. There's
too much capacity. Ford and G.M. are in
the tank, too—most of their earnings
over the past two years came from over
seas sales. We're expecting to sell fifty
thousand minivans in Europe this y

PLAYBOY: You've extended your contract
to stay on as Chrysler chairman
indefinitely. Is that because youre on a

crisis footing? Arc you girding for war?
IACOCCA: I've got to be honest with you.
Given the voices of my mother my
daughters and my fiancée—all of them
"What the hell are you staying
"—] just want to see our program
for the Nineties unfold right; we've got a
great program and we've got to imple-
ment this baby right. P've said TIl stay as
long as it takes to get this thing back on
the rails.

PLAYBOY: Your planned joint deals wi
Renault and Hyundai fell through this

year, ls it possible that Chrysler won't
survive
tacocca: This company will survive.

PLAYBOY: Without a merger? Will there
be a Chrysler-Fiat, a Chrysler-Hyundai,
a Chrysler-G.M., for that matter?

IACOCCA: We already formed a joint ven-
ture with G.M. on the four-wheel drive,
so T asked them about doing a small car
together. The country needs it. We both
"t make money; we go to Ko-
pan for our small cars, OF

say we ca

PLAYBOY: But what about merging?

tacocca: It’s a matter of time frame—
after the year 9000. We talked with
Renault, we've been talking with Fiat,
and I made big news by talking with Vol-
vo. They called us, by the way. But can
you imagine a merger with Volvo? They
represent eleven percent of the G.N.P. of
Sweden, All these companies recognize
that there's going to be a consolidation
of the world auto industry. They know
that if you want to be a world player, you
must have some presence in each of the
big-three markets—the Pacific rim,
North America and Europe. But you

can't be all things to all people in all
markets,

So we're going to have to form

What about your proposal to
build a joint car with General Motors?

IACOCCA: Well, at first, they didn’t throw
it out. And it may come to pass one day,
because the world is changing. But our
laws are stupid; we're stumbling in our
underwear. G.M. and Toyota can get to-
gether to build joint cars at the NUMMI

"My record on safety is
impeccable. I was gung-ho
into padded dashboards . . .
and, especially, seat belts."

plant in Fremont, California, but I can’t
[legally] do a joint small car with G.M.,
because I'm U.S.-based. You can do a
deal with the enemy, but not with me.
There are only three of us left in the
U.S., so what's the big deal?
1 still dream about my “Global Mo-
tors" concept—say a consortium of
Chrysler, Nissan and Volkswagen where
we pool our efforts on huge capital in-
vestments like engines. But it's hard
enough to slam together two companies
that come from the same culture. A true
shi
even alter holding hands
urs would be real tough

for twenty y

PLAYBOY: Because of exchange rates and
import quotas, Ihe price of Japanese cars
rose dramatically throughout the Eight-

ies. But you and the other American car
makers didnt take advantage of the im-
port protection. You raised. prices, too,
and had a sales boom, but the consumer
suffered.

IACOCCA: Well, as usual, that’s poppy
cock. If you want facts as a journalist,
take the facts. IF you want to twist them
into an opinion, then you got the pen in
hand, not me.

ith all the currency
1 five years, imports—
particularly German and Japanese—
have gone up, on average. thirty-eight
percent. Chrysler has gone up eight pe
cent, which is less than the consu
price index; G.M., because of a richer
mix, probably, has gone up about eight-
ccn percent; and Ford has gone up
about sixteen percent. You can see it on
the sticker prices; but nobody wants to
believe it. So were going head to head
with Honda. We say the Spirit and the
Acclaim have everything a Honda's got,
but for twenty-five hundred dollars le
And I throw in an air bag for free.
PLAYBOY: Lets talk about the air bags
Since late 1989, you've led the industry
toward air-bag installation by putting a
driver'sside air bag in most of your
U.S.-built cars, excluding the minivans.
Why the sudden tur
IACOCCA: I adapt to facts. I try to preach
to kids that when you get additional
facts, you can change your position as
life goes on. Don't feel that vou're a god-
damned hypocrite if you change your
position every few years.

PLAYBOY: Still, you were among those
who practically said that air bags might
cause accidents.

IACOCCA: My record on safety is impec-
ble. 1 was gung-ho into padded dash-
boards, deep-dish steering wheels and,
especially, seat belts with the interlock
system so you couldn't start your car
without being belted.

PLAYBOY: Well, your record also includes
a conversation in 1971 with President
hard Nixon—it's on the famous
White House tapes. You d, "Safety has
really killed all of our business.” You
were fighting air bags tooth and nail
then,

IACOCCA; I dont recall saying that. Hen-
ty Ford and I went to Washington to say
“They're moving too fast on air bag:
PLAYBOY: But it’s on the tapes—
lacocea: 1 didn't know we were being
taped at the time in the Oval Office, but
I do remember that, on the way out, the
President of the United States got up
from behind his desk [stands and waves
his arms, Nixon-style) and said, “Well,
don't want one of those goddamn things
in my car." I kiddingly said to Henry,
“God, somebody should have heard that

The facts are,
changes in the p

I remember that part clearly.
because Nixon leaped to his fect.
But, hey, I'm like a [recovering] alco-

holic. Im a convert now to air bags.
PLAYBOY: What took you so long?

IACOCCA: We kept watching the
Watched them go off, watched them fail
Watched them cost a thousand dol-
lars. Electronic sensors weren't reliable
enough. But in the past few vears, the
air bags were becoming reliable and the
cost was down to about eight hundred
dollars. Meanwhile, Volkswagen invent-
ed the passive seat belt; then the belts
became motorized. They cost only

The following
advertisement
doesnt pop up, hum
carols,wiggle, or
smell like lavender-
scented mountains.

PLAYBOY

about two hundred to three hundred
dollars to install. So my guys are saying,
“We think we can get the price of an air
bag down to where the cost over the
spaghetti and the motorized belts is only
a couple hundred dollars." I said, "OK,
it's time to go with them."

PLAYBOY: Spaghetti? What's that?
1acocca: All the add-ons. So, anyway, I
took a crap shoot on the air bags. But
let's be honest, I had to worry about lia-
bility. Suppose somebody gets killed—
even with the air bag—and we have a
court case. Drivers may get a false sense
of security from the air bag and leave off
their seat belts, which is a big mistake.
Remember: If you're not belted, the air
bag isn't enough. I mean, shit, at sixty
miles an hour, you're in motion, you can
take a second hit!

1 didn't know they would succeed this
well and I didn’t know putting them in
would get to me emotionally. It's incred-
ible, the letters I'm getting. Of the six
thousand air-bag deployments so far, so
many seem to involve young girls.

But now I really feel bad inside. I wish
I could have done them twenty years
ago.

PLAYBOY: Now everyone wants to know
when you'll start installing a passenger-
side air bag.

IACOCCA: 1 know, I know. Once you start
advocating safety and using ads that
show young girls being saved by an air
bag on one side. it begs the question.
“Well, what if 1 had my boyfriend with
me on the right side?” Joan Claybrook
[former head of the National Trans-
portation Safety Board and promoter of
air bags] recently came up to me at a big
awards ceremony. She congratulated me
on finally seeing the light. Then she
said, “What have you done for me late-
ly? Where's the passenger-side air bag?"
PLAYBOY: So, where is it? Honda has
promised them by late 1993.

Iacocca: We hope to have them on our
new LH car in late 1992. First we've got
to redesign the whole instrument panel.
It'll cost about seventy or eighty million
dollars a hit. Passenger-side bags are
harder to design, because there's no
steering column and the seat is farther
away. Knee blockers are the problemi.
You don't want to submarine when that.
bag hits you.

PLAYBOY: The time it took to implement
air bags is just another example of the
American automobile industry's reputa-
tion for foot-dragging, for having to be
dragged kicking and screaming—
IACOCCA: For being monolithic. We were
controlled by General Motors; we've
marched in lock step to the big guy. It
was an oligopoly of four guys—back
when we still had American Motors.
Now we're down to three. But there is
no question that G.M. set the pricing,
they set all the levels. Everybody tried to
imitate G.M., and they were building

lousy quality. They didn't do it on pur-
pose, but we all said, “That's the stand-
ard.” I’m a student of this—I lived
through it. G.M. was so powerful. They
were the biggest bank in the world, the
biggest everything. They had fifty per-
cent of the market. They were so
damned big, they could do anything
they wanted. We were really in the ring
with a thousand-pound gorilla.
PLAYBOY: What changed all that?
1ACOCCA: Looking back on it, foreign
competition spurred on Chrysler and
even big G.M.—starting with the Ger-
man boutique houses of BMW and Mer-
cedes. That began to change a lot of
people's minds. Then the Japanese
came in and started showing quality just
by selling ten or twenty thousand cars.
You'd be a fool not to admit that free
world trade and competition is good.
Otherwise, we'd still be the monolithic
follow-G.M. group, and the cars
wouldn't be as good. G.M. has taken the
biggest hit. Their fifty percent market
penetration is now down to thirty-five
percent.

“I didn't know putting air
bags in would get to me
emotionally. It’s incredible,
the letters I'm getting. I wish
I could have done them

twenty years ago.”

PLAYBOY: Ford has been noted for a
strong turnaround, with radically re-
designed cars in the Eighties. What are
they doing right?

1acocca: Well, developing the Taurus
and the Sable was a fresh, clean-sheet
approach, not the usual Detroit way of
building a car. They didn't committee-
ize it. They put together a team, the
same as we've now done.

PLAYBOY: What was the usual Detroit
way?

lacocca: Sequential design. First the de-
sign guys work. Then they pass it on
down the line to the manufacturing
guys. Then the manufacturing guys say,
“Hold it, we can't build this son of a
bitch. This design has eight different
pieces, it'll kill us.” And so forth.

Now we've reorganized the whole
company. With our new LH car, we have
everybody on one team right from the
beginning: design, manufacturing, engi-
neering, marketing. The car is theirs
from cradle to grave. Even the suppliers
are tied in early enough to give their in-
put on how to save money, or how to do
the vanity mirror for half the price.

We had a mixed-generation team in
here recently, critiquing the minivan.
Litde kids lying all over the floor. One of
them came up with a neat little design
change. He suggested we take out the
springs in the coin holders in the con-
sole and let gravity feed the coins down.
It'll probably save eight cents a car. But
it's so damned simple. One of the other
teams came up with a car phone that is
built into your sun visor, so you don't
have to look down and take your eyes off
the road. It has a little microphone in it.
PLAYBOY: What is going to save the auto
industry?

IACOCCA: Competitiveness. One, get the
action back on the factory floor—make it
a mater of pride to be running a plant
yourself. And two, get good minds com-
ing into industry from the scientific
community. We looked at the farm sys-
tem—the junior high and high
schools—and nobody's taking math or
science. Ask the schools about that and
they say there are no teachers—“The
football coach does that shit.”

PLAYBOY: Should the Government be in-
volved in making this country scien-
tifically competitive with countries such
as Germany and Japan?

IACOCCA: Sure. I've suggested a way to
use the peace dividend for that. Look at
the defense and aerospace contractors.
They're going to be laying off some of
the best scientific minds in the country.
These are guys who are used to working
for Government pay. Why not let the
Government pay them to work with us,
for instance, in licking the national
problem of carbon emissions?

PLAYBOY: Is pollution control the great
sleeper issue that will someday under-
mine the car business completely?
IACOCCA: You can play word games all
day long on that. I think the hotheaded
environmentalists have gone overboard.
They say, "We're sure you can find a
technological solution to car emissions.
Afier all, ten years ago, you said you
couldn't make it and you made it." I say,
“Yeah, but all the cars got twelve hun-
dred pounds smaller. If we take another
twelve hundred pounds off, there will
only be little shit boxes running around
the country."

But, yes, we're certainly studying the
pollution problem. Take Los Angeles:
"They've said that by the year 2008, they
will effectively [eliminate the use of
petroleum as fuel]. That means they will
have outlawed the car as we know it, and
we'll have to have a breakthrough in bat-
tery technology for an electric car by
that date. But what they haven't figured
out is where the energy will come from
to power the batteries. Will it be coal or
cil or nuclear? What the hell is it?
PLAYBOY: You've called G.M.'s experi-
mental electric car nothing more than a

E E It simplydirects
you to Arcas
finest bourbon.

PLAYBOY

gussied-up golf cart. Obviously, you're
not optimistic.

IACOCCA: Twenty-five years ago, at Ford,
1 gave the engineering guys in the lab a
million bucks a year to come up with an
electric car that could get me home and
back—say, eighty miles round trip—
without a recherge. "Co invent a battery
and then we'll build all the fancy cars
around it.” And they couldn't do it. So I
said, "Get lost, busters." Twenty-five
years later, 1 don't think there has been
any movement at all. We have to work
on flexible fuels, propane, a methane
mix, plus there are storage problems.
PLAYBOY: Does it burn you up that, while
the U.S. concentrates on solving these
kinds of problems, the Japanese spend
their energy turning out better and
more attractive cars?

IACOCCA: Look, I say, vhy get mad at the
Japanese whem they're just dealing in
their own self-interest? I’ve always said
we can learn from Japan just as they
learn from us. Let's copy them. Lets get
rid of antitrust, certainly. Then we can
all get together in the same room and do
things like pollution control at the lowest.
possible cost. They do it. They think
that's for the common good. To get
cleaner air, they all pool their resources.
They don't make it a competitive, dog-
eat-dog thing.

Of course, I don't want to be like them
in every way. I wouldn't want to live in
one of their tiny houses; I wouldn't like
their standard of living; I wouldn't want
to pay eight dollars for a melon or four
dollars for an orange or never eat steak.
PLAYBOY: What else do you admire about
their society?
lACOCCA; Well, one thing that always
sticks in my mind is that while we have
something like one lawyer for every ten
people in our country, they have one en-
gineer for every ten people in theirs.
And that tells you a lot. There's some-
thing wrong with a country that has so
many lewyers. Chrysler builds a com-
plex product that is sold world-wide, so
we have a lot of liability cases. And sixty
percent of all the money we're spend-
ing—millions and millions of dollars—is
going for lawyers’ fees. There's some-
thing screwy there.

Somebody once said, “The best way to
beat the Japanese would be to send
them all our lawyers.”

PLAYBOY: What's going on with the busi-
ness establishment of this country? The
Donald Trumps, for instance.

IACOCCA: I know Trump fairly well. Now
that’s an cgo that's gone screw-loose,
gone haywire. What the business estab-
lishment of this country has to do is get
away from this new financial-transaction
mentality. It used to be that Wall Street,
the financial markets and the banks
were there to promote and fund the

go companies that produced goods and

created jobs. Now they've taken on a life
of their own: "Whar's the play? Where
can we make a fast buck?” What we real-
ly need to do in this country is get back
to the factory floors. Whether it's
Chrysler or McDonald's or whatever,
you've got to stand for making good
stuff or you're not going to win.
PLAYBOY: Whatever happens, you've
carved out a niche for yourself in histo-
ry What's the secret? What has made
you a national icon?

IACOCCA: It started with being fired at
Ford. When 1 did the Mustang, nobody
really gave a shit. But when 1 was fired
and then rose from the ashes like a
phoenix—ter’s be honest—that kicked it
off. It's the American feeling for under-
dogism. I'm fired [from Ford], Chrysler
is in the toilet and they come to me. 1 go
to work and say, “Jesus, if I had known it
was this bad, 1 wouldn't have taken the
job." Then we get a break—we're not
geniuses, we just worked hard to get it.
We had to go before the Congress and
get abused in public. Then the Reagan

“What we really need to
do in this country is get
back to the factory floors.
You've got to stand for
making good stuff or you're
mot going to win."

years helped us. Let's face it: The indus-

turned around a bit. Otherwise, we
all would have died. Ford was in the toi-
let. G.M. was in the toilet.

Meanwhile, my personal life was mov-
ing very fast. My wife was dying. And
she had always said, "Why don't you
write some of this stuff down? It's a little
fictional and nobody is going to believe
it.” So I wrote my autobiography.
PLAYBOY: How did that come about?
IACOCCA: Well, in 1983, we paid back our
one-billion-dollar loan—the old-fash-
ioned way: seven years early. That hit a
nerve with the American people. They
said, “That's what were made of—or
would like to be made of.” So in 1984, I
wrote Iacocca: An Autobiography. Yt sells
seven million goddamned copies. How
do I know it’s going to push Gene with the
Wind? You think that's why I wrote it?
But it never did pass Jonathan Livingston
Seagull, damn him
PLAYBOY: Why do you think it was so

pular?

IACOCCA: One day, at the Okura Hotel in
Tokyo, all the bus boys and girls were
standing in line for my autograph. They

spoke English, so 1 asked them why
they'd bought my book. They said, "In
our hierarchy, we can never mouth off
the way you do. We can never be vocal to
our superiors or elders. But inside, we'd
like to be like you." Another time in Cal-
ifornia, all these kids from the beach
came up with my book. Said their par-
ents had made them read it, but then
they couldn't put it down. I must have
changed ten or twenty thousand lives. I
get a lot of letters from guys in prison. I
take them home and read them every
night. And I still get more mail for my
first book than for my second. You know
the reason? Because it's an autobiogra-
phy, it’s a life.

PLAYBOY: A lot of people have written
books, but yours hit a national nerve.
Why?

tacocca: If I had to pick one thing, it's
this: If there were a lodge called the
Tve-Been-Fired Club, it would be a big-
ger organization than all the Catholics,
Republicans or Democrats in the coun-
try. Because everybody at one time in his
life has had his feet cut out from under
him.

PLAYBOY: Your television commercials
have also helped your national appeal.
Yon became a superstar on TV.
IACOCCA: Thanks, but they are a pain in
the ass to do. They're not my beg. I've
done my fill and I've destroyed my pri-
vacy. | want ro hide now when 1 go out.
PLAYBOY: People around Detroit and
Chrysler are wondering if you're ever
going to retire.

tacocca: Hell, yeah. 1 had a great plan
to hand Chrysler over to a two-man
management team last November first.
But Greenwald, by leaving, knocked
that on its ass. So I've agreed to stay
awhile. I said to my top guys, "You want.
to do me a favor? In the next twelve
months, make our program fall together
and force me out of this company. I'll be
grateful to you.”

PLAYBOY: Still, you give the appearance
of a guy who doesn't want to let loose.
Are you one of those car men who, as
they say, have gasoline in their veins?
IACOCCA: Yeah, but I want to keep some
blood in my veins, too.

PLAYBOY: When all is said and done, and
you're looking back on all this, what do
you want your legacy to be?

ıacocca: Oh, immigrant kid made
good. Wrote a book. Unabashed patriot.
Fixed up the Statue of Liberty.

After 1 retire, 1 want to devote myself
to the Diabetes Foundation and working
on education for kids. That's certainly a
bigger legacy than building Mustangs or
minivans. Alter all, in the end, who's go-
ing to remember whether we bent the
sheet metal right?

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APERTO

CUS
fiction

By JOHN UPDIKE

IN THESEVERAL years of their secret affair,
Vivian, George Allenson's third wife,
had had ample opportunity to observe
how little, in relation to his second
wife, he was to be trusted; but he had
not expected her, once (hey were mar-
ried, to perceive him as untrustworthy.
He was 20 years older, also, and he had
not imagined that this superiority in
experience, and in the relaxed poise
that proximity to death brings, might
be regarded as a deficit—in eyesight,
in reaction time, in quality of attention.
Throughout their vacation trip to Italy,
Vivian was vocally nervous in the car,
sitting beside him clutching the map
while he, with growing confidence and
verve, steered their rented subcompact
through the Italian traffic, from one
lovely old congested city to another.
He was even mastering the Italian trick
of turning a two-lane highway into a
three-lane by simply passing right into
the teeth of the oncoming traffic.
Whenever he did this, she shrieked,
and now she was worried about their
running out of gas, and kept urging
him into gasoline stations. Far as they
had come, from Venice to Ravenna to
Verona, they had not yet replenished

SCULPTURE BY FRANK GALLO

dd a ua

fasten your seat belts, allenson thought as he drove his
third wife through italy. it's going to be a bumpy ride

PLAYBOY

the tankful that came with the car.

"There's one—it says aperio!”

"Where?" Allenson asked, knowing
perfectly well There was a tense
gullible nerve in his wife that it amused
him to touch.

"Right there! We went right by! Mo-
bil, just like at home! I can't believe you
did that, darling!"

“I didn't like the look of it, Too many
ugly trucks."

Vivian told him, with the complacen-
cy of a knowing child, "You're just
nervous because you don't know how
to say ‘Fill ‘er up.’ But if we don't get
gas soon, we'll be stuck by the side of
the road, and then what'll you say?”

"TII say, “Scusi,” he said. “I'll turn to
you,” he elaborated, in the mellow
baritone that even a smidgeon of Ital-
ian brings out in the male voice, “and
say, ‘Mi scusi, mia cara.’ Actually, we've
got plenty of gas. These little Fiats go
forever on just a liter.”

He was near 60, and she near 40,
and as these irrevocable turning points
approached, both of them, perhaps,
were showing their nerves. They were
headed toward Lake Garda on a day's
trip out of Verona. Their Verona hotel
room was not merely expensive but
exquisite, provided with real antiques
and a balcony view of roof tiles and
campanili whose various bells rang the
hours with a ragged succession of
tollings. The Allensons' daily routine—
two continental breakfasts in the room,
delivered with much waiterly fussing
and musical clatter, followed by a walk-
ing excursion to a church or two, a Ro-
man amphitheater, a castle turned art
museum, and then their return to the
room and a lunch of fresh fruit bought
en route and some thriftily saved
breakfast rolls, the elemental economy
of this lunch suggesting an even less
expensive entertainment, in the lan-
guor of the sunny hour, on one or the
other of their little Empire-style beds—
this routine was intimate and strict, so
it was with trepidation and potential ir-
ritability that they had set out, this
morning, in the neglected car to brave
the narrow unmarked streets and the
helter-skelter of buzzing, thrusting
Italian vehicles.

On their last excursion, which had
brought them from Vicenza to Verona
by way of the Sll—an inescapable
green line on Vivian's map—Allenson
had managed almost immediately to
take a wrong turn that headed them
up into the hills, through pastel flocks
of villagers attending Mass, between
flowering hedgerows and fields dotted
with sheep, on a winding upward road
that offered, it seemed to him, no place
to turn around. Her resentment of his
failure to follow the route so clear and

plain on her lap became shrill, and he
risked their lives by angrily ducking in-
to a dirt lane and backing out into the
road. On their descent back through
the village, which she retrospectively
identified, on the map, as Montecchio
Maggiore, Vivian confessed, by way of
making up, how pretty it all was. And it
was true, his blunder had in a flash un-
covered a crystalline cisalpine charm
bared by none of their map-bound ex-
cursions, even one in the very next
hour, to Soave, at the end of a little
spur that crossed the A4.

Soave, hitherto to them merely a
name on a bottle of cheap white wine,
was an old walled town; they parked
outside the gates and walked along the
main street. Outside the town's main
bar, a crowd of men had gathered after
Mass, and one of them abrupuy pre-
sented Vivian, as she passed, with a red
carnation. Allenson, a step behind her,
was startled to see his wife accept the
gift with an instant broad smile and the
appropriate gracious gesture of bring-
ing the flower to within a few inches
of her chest. “Grazie,” she said,
managing nicely the little flirted tail
of an E that Allenson always had trou-
ble pronouncing.

Perhaps women are biologically con-
ditioned to accept flowers, even from
total strangers on the street. Vivian was
dark-haired and somewhat stately of
figure; but for a spatter of girlish freck-
les, and those dry crinkles that collect
where American women's smiles stress
their faces, she might have been Ital-
ian. Allenson reflexively reached to-
ward his pocket to pay for the flower,
but no charge was exacted. The man,
in a suit but unshaven, matched Viv-
ian’s smile with an equally broad one
of his own and responded, "Prego, si-
gnora,” ignoring her husband.

Allenson quickened his step to place
himself by her side. When they had
put behind them the crowd of loiter-
ing, chattering men, Vivian asked him,
“What did it mean?" For all her criti-
cism of his driving and deportment,
she expected him to know everything,
to be wise.

"Damned if I know. Look—those lit-
tle girls have carnations, too."

“Does it mean I'm a Communist or
something?”

There were election posters all over
Italy, and some of them did show a car-
nation, “Left of center, at the worst, 1
would think. Communism's had it,
even here. Maybe it's just something
they do for tourists.”

"] think we're the only ones in
town." It was true, entering the walled
town at Sunday noon felt as if they
were trespassing in a large living room,
full of families. Allenson’s eyes, moving
on from the little carnation-carrying

girls in the after-church stragglers, had
received the equivalent of a flower:
seen from behind, a father and daugh-
ter walking with their arms about each
other's waists, the gray-haired father,
in his possessive fond grip, apparently
unaware that his long-haired daughter
had grown to be as tall as he and
voluptuous, her mandolin-shaped bot-
tom just barely contained in a leather
miniskirt. These skirts, taut swatches
exposing the full length of thigh, had
been all over Venice, moving up and
down the stepped bridges that crossed
the canals. As a child wants to reach
out and pat balloons, to verify their
substance, Allenson had mentally
reached out. Perhaps Vivian was right,
he was not trustworthy. He wanted
to be forever young. He had left his
antihypertension pills at home, and
she—rather chemically, he thought—
credited to that his rejuvenated sexual
energy. But, broken loose from the
routines of work and old friendships,
one is, as a tourist, immersed in youth,
unable to ignore how the world’s pop-
ulation is renewing itself. Even Vivian
was old, relatively.

Allenson really couldn’t understand
why, after these many kilometers in
which he had not crashed into any-
thing, she seemed still not to like his
driving. The car's five gears (six, with
reverse) did sometimes still jumble un-
der his hand, so that he tried to start in
third or to move straight from first to
fourth, but within a day, he had
satisfied himself that, in Italy as else-
where, a subtle camaraderie of the
road mitigates against collision. Amid
an incessant buzzing of little
motorcycles and onrolling walls of
double-van trucks with the Mercedes
emblem on their grilles, understand-
ings were being reached, tolerances ar-
rived at. Even at the most frantic
mergers, he felt a Latin grace and log-
ic; the drivers of Italy, though pos-
sessed of a gallant desire to maximize
the capacity of their engines, were
more civilized than the brutal com-
muters of Westchester and Long Is-
land. “Relax,” he told Vivian, on the
road to Lake Garda. “Enjoy the
scenery.”

“I can't. You'll take a crazy wrong
turn like you did outside Vicenza."

"What if 1 do? It's all new to us. It's
all Italy."

“That's the problem."

"I thought you loved it here."

“I do, when we stop moving.”

"You know, Vivian, I could start to
Tesent all this criticism. Elderly men
have feelings, too."

"Its not you, you're doing great,
considering."

"Considering what?"
(continued on page 178)

“Myrna hates wild parties, but she tries to be a good sport about it.”

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU

a master turns his eye on voyeurism

HERE ARE THOSE who like

to watch. Photographers do

that for a living. A good one

is happy—sometimes even
eager—to explain what it is that he
does. A great one knows when to shut
up. Helmut Newton is a great pho-
tographer. Even when he was among
the pouts and poses that shooting fash-
jon demands, he elevated the form be-
yond its winsome artifice. He didnt
blink when the careful ironies and sub-
deties reflected through the lens of his
camera back at him. He has always
been receptive to the disturbing, visu-
ally arresting images that insist them-
selves upon us. Helmut Newton is a
man in search of erotic emergencies.
When we asked him if he would like to
explore voyeurism—that most person-
al of photographic tasks—he respond-
ed with the images you find on these
and the following pages. Here you will
see a man whose camera doesn't shud-
der when it encounters a woman with a
proud bosom and impressive thighs as
she exposes herself to her surprised,
cigar-smoking older friend. Join him
as he peeks into a dressing room where
glamourous women talk about the

men in their lives—and underthings.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY HELMUT NEWTON

iscovery is at the heart of all voyeurism. We can watch and watch, waiting for something to happen. He

who watches seizes the initiative to watch. He then turns over that initiative to those he watches. Voyeurs some-
times wait a long time before sparks start flying. Voyeurs wrongly think they can get to know a couple and

can even predict their impetuosity. Sometimes even the couples themselves wait and watch. And watch and wait. 89

ence, it's best every once in a while just to grab a
piece of fabric and pull it aside. To seize the view, so
to speak. Then there are those times when a voyeur
doesn't have to work at all. A woman will just pre-
sent herself full length by an open door. Matter-of-fact style.
Which is not to say it takes the mystery out of anything. Nor
has the portable video camera, as Newton poignantly points
out, spoiled the spontaneity. Some scenes are meant to be played
over and over again, until the electronic information on the

tape fades and crackles, just as the real, human memories do.

JEWELRY COURTESY OF FRED, BEVERLY HILLS,

ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN OLEARY

there’s more to saddam hussein
and his recent blitzkrieg
than today’s headlines.
here’s the real baghdad

ON A mipsummers wicht in Baghdad, soon after the cease-
fire in Iraq's long war with Iran, Mohammed Abid stood
outside his restaurant by the Tigris River, poking a net at
the last fish circling in a tiled tub of water.

"Tonight Iraq celebrates victory and cats a very great
deal," he said. "But in the morning, maybe we find that
peace is like this fish, a slippery thing that swims round
and round and sneaks away.”

Snaring the river fish, Mohammed flopped it onto the
sidewalk to see if it were of suitable size for my dinner.
Then he picked up a rusted monkey wrench.

“We must never forget,” he said, raising the tool in the
air, “that Iraq has enemies everywhere.”

“Persians.” Thuunk.

“Syrians.” Thuaap.

“Zionists.” Thlub.

He gutted the bludgeoned fish with a few deft strokes
and propped it over a wood fire. “No one,” he said, wip-
ing blood on his apron, “makes love to Iraq.”

Mohammed was a man of vision. Just two years after
the guns had fallen silent on Iraq's eastern front, hostili-
ties had flared again. This time, Iraq's enemies were,
indeed, everywhere—aboard battleships, in fighter
bombers, massed in desert trenches near Kuwait. And I'd
been deployed with dozens of other journalists to report
from the besieged Iraqi capital.

Baghdad was a city I'd never dreamed of revisiting,
except in nightmares. Fver since traveling there three
times in 1988, I'd bored my friends and family with
Jeremiahlike tales about Saddam Hussein's lust for
blood and land. Kuwait wasn't the victim I'd imagined
Saddam’s devouring. But I suspected that Mohammed

article By TONY HORWITZ

Mein 3 |
mal E

PLAYBOY

the fishmonger had been bludgeoning
surrogate sheiks for months.

Baghdad once had seemed the most
romantic of Arab capitals. The name
conjured images of a fantasy Arabia, a
land of harems and slave dens, of Sin-
bad the Sailor and Ali Baba. It was the
sort of place to which I'd imagined
traveling aboard a magic carpet.

The actual journey resembled walk-
ing through the gates of a maximum-
security prison. On my first visit, Iraqi
Airways officials in Cairo told me to re-
port four hours before the flight for
security, and I needed every minute.
Guards frisked passengers from toe to
turban while X-raying their bags to the
point of radioactivity Then the sol-
diers lined us up on the burning tar-
mac to identify our luggage while they
shook us down yet again.

Every personal effect was regarded
as a potential weapon. One passenger
had a small bottle of cologne and the
guard uncorked it, passing it beneath
the man's nose, to see if it were chloro-
form or some other substance that
could disable the crew. The guard
asked for my camera, aimed it at me
and dicked—checking, I guess, for a
gun inside the lens. Then he plucked
the penny-sized battery from the cam-
era's light meter: It could be used to
detonate bombs.

"You are lucky," said the Egyptian in
line behind me. "Last time I Hew, you
could not carry on anything, not a
book, not a pen, not even a diaper for
the baby. It was a very boring ride."

At Saddam International Airport in
Baghdad, it was my typewriter that
aroused suspicion. Iraq required the
licensing of typewriters so security
forces could take an imprint of the keys
to trace antigovernment literature. Be-
hind the customs desk rosc a ziggurat
of other forbidden imports: video
tapes, audio cassettes, binoculars—any
instrument for gathering or dissemi-
nating information Even blood
evoked xenophobia. The first sign at
immigration stated that anyone who
failed to present results of an AIDS test
within five days would be fined. There
was a certain irony to the sign, as few
Westerners visited the country. Iraq
didn't issue tourist visas.

The second sign—and the third and
the fourth and the fifth—showed the
jowly, mustachioed face of the Iraqi
president, Saddam Hussein. Big
Brother was watching from portraits
cn every wall surrounding the bag-
gage-claim area. He was watching from
a leviathan billboard outside the air-
port. He was even watching from the
dial of the wrist watch worn by an
official sent to the airport to watch me
as well. "Saddam is like Superman,"
the official said, showing how the

watch hands ticked across the leader's
cheeks and brow.

On the road into town, the president
appeared at regular intervals and in
innumerable guises: military fatigues
festooned with medals; Bedouin garb
atop a charging steed; pilgrim's robes
praying at Mecca; a double-breasted
suit and aviator glasses, looking cool
and sophisticated. The idea seemed to
be that Saddam was all things to all
people: omniscient, all-powerful and
inevitable. Like God.

"There are thirty-two million Ira-
qis,” went a popular Western joke in
Baghdad. "Sixteen million people and
sixteen million pictures of Saddam."

Iraqis didn't tell that joke. Article
225 of Baghdad's penal code stated
baldly that anyone who criticized the
president, his party or government
“for the purpose of raising public opin-
ion against authority” would be put to
death.

My escort from the Ministry of Cul-
ture and Information wasn't taking
any chances.

"Is this near the presidential
palace?" I asked as we passed a heavily
guarded compound.

“Not far,” he said.

"And where is the foreign ministry?"

"Also nearby."

Searching for neutral topics, I com-
mented on the weather. Yes, he said, it
was very hot. How hot he could not
say. The weather in Baghdad was clas-
sified information, "for security."

We pulled up in front of the hotel.
Concrete pylons blocked the driveway,
as they did at every major hotel and
government building in Baghdad: se-
curity against car bombs. As the locks
dicked open, 1 asked my escort if 1
needed to check in at the ministry.

“It has been arranged," he said.

In the hotel room, Big Brother
gazed out from the television screen as
a chorus of voices sang:

"We will challenge them if they cross
the border, O Saddam.
“The victory is for you, O Saddam.
"With our blood and with our soul,
“We sacrifice ourselves for you,
O Saddam.”

Returning two years later, 1 felt as
though I were in a museum where all
the exhibits had been rearranged. The
walls ofthe airport terminal were hung
with abstract murals. The first few Sad-
dam portraits 1 spotted on the drive
into town showed a kinder, gender
leader: cuddling children, cooking his
own food, kicking back with a fat cigar.
And intersections that had displayed
four huge Saddam paintings were now

down to only one.

"It is normal," a Ministry of Culture
and Information official assured me.
“They need to be cleaned."

In fact, many of the portraits had
come down soon after the revolution
in Romania, an event that seems to
have spooked Saddam. The parallels
between his own police state and that
of Nicolae Ceausescu's were discom-
fiting. Saddam had also liberalized
travel, letting ordinary Iraqis go over-
seas for the first time in years. Even the
weather report had been reinstated
after a six-year ban, announcing with
withering regularity that the midday
temperature in Baghdad was 110.

But Iraqi glasnest had its limits
When I asked for a street map at the
desk of the Baghdad Sheraton, the re-
ceptionist looked at me as though I'd
dialed room service and ordered a
gun. “I am so sorry," she said, pointing
me to a Ministry of Culture and Infor-
mation desk in the lobby. "I am sure
they can tell you where to go."

Maps—like typewriters, binoculars
and radios—could be tools of subver-
sion, helping dissidents plot assassina-
tions and coups. There were no maps
in Baghdad.

Paranoia comes with the territory in
Iraq. The blistered Mesopotamian
plain has been overrun repeatedly by
foreign armies: Assyrian, Persian,
Greek, Mongolian, Turkish, Persian
again. There have been 24 coups and
uprisings in Iraq since 1947, including
one that Saddam joined in 1959. Then
aged 22, he stood on a street corner
and emptied his pistol at the car of Abd
Karim Kassim, a military strong man
who had seized power in a bloody coup
that killed Iraq's royal family. Kassim
escaped unscathed and untoppled,
and he later boasted that he'd survived
29 such attempts on his life. His luck
ran out soon after, and he was execut-
ed following a coup that briefly
brought Saddam's Baathist allies to
power.

“Twenty years and two coups later, in
1979, Saddam muscled his way into
the presidency. He celebrated the
event by sentencing 21 of his closest
conspirators to death on charges of
treason. Saddam served as a trigger
man on the firing squad. Ever since,
Amnesty International's annual re-
ports on Iraq have read like transcripts
from the Spanish Inquisition: prison-
ers fed slow-acting poison, children
tortured into informing on parents,
teenagers returned dead to their fami-
lies with fingernails extracted and eyes
gouged out.

Not surprisingly, Iragis don't open
up easily to foreigners. Those who do

(continued on page 183)

't been ihe same since that hole in the ozone opened up!”

“The place hasn’

GREAT
GRETZKY

The winter-weight white tuxedo is the new alternative to
the basic-black penguin look. Stick with a traditional
shawl-collar single- or double-breasted model updated
with a lower button stance—as the great Wayne Gretzky
has done here. Then accessorize with a white or off-white
wing-collar formal shirt and a black bow tie or a jewel-
toned formal vest and a colored bow tie. If you do go back
to black, the brocade dinner jacket—as Gretzky wears
overleaf—is an elegant look that we especially like. Wear it
tieless with a banded-collar shirt and some great studs.

Even off the ice, number 99 is on the cutting edge of fashion in a
white wool-crepe dinner jacket, $1450, wool-blend tuxedo
pants, $650, rayon pocket square, $30, all by Piero Dimitri; silk
Jacquard vest, $275, silk Jacquard $250, bow tie, about
$50, all by Paul Lester for Mark Christopher; and 14-kt.-gold
mother-of-pearl cuff-link/stud set, from Peter Elliot, $130.

PHOTOGRAPHY EY MARIO CASILLA

when if comes
fo winter formal-
wear, hockey's
hottest star
goes the great
white way

foshion

By HOLLIS WAYNE

Halian designer Gianni Versace, Beverly
takes the more troditianal

elegant twist. Here, Gretzky relaxes in
the lopels of luxury—an expensive but
very handsame wool-blend dauble-
breasted brocade dinner jocket ond
black-woal pants, $1835, that ore worn
fieless with a silk-crepe formal shirt
with a double-banded collar, $695,
including cuff links, ond a silk vest, $895.

Here, Gretzky wears a double-breasted
six-button, one-to-button winter-weight
white dinner jacket with black double-
pleated formal pants, $1600, white cotton
formal shirt with wing collar, $250, both
by Bill Koiserman; silk Jocquard self-tie
bow-tie-and-cummerbund set, by Joseph
Abboud, $175; ond 22-kt.-gold round
rope cuff links with rhodolite center stone,
by Temple St. Clair Carr, about $2700.
When going out, skip the hockey stick.

Where & How to Buy on page 221

LOVE
DICKS

there's a new
figure in the shadows of
postmodernist romance:
the gumshoe who
conducts very private
investigation:

T HE case opened like this: A
woman came to the Nick Har-
ris Detective Bureau & Acade-
my in Van Nuys, California, where
Milo Speriglio is director in chief. The
dient was attractive, 30ish, ri i
vorced, childless, worried. “It's about
my boyfriend,” she said. Then she told
what she knew about Salvatore.

Now I'm standing in front of Salva-
tore's apartment with Speriglio. He
knocks on the door. We hear footsteps
inside. He knocks again. “Who's that?"
a female voice asks.

Speriglio whispers to me, "Say some-
thing. À woman usually opens a door
for another woman." So I lean forward
and say my name and, right on cue,
she cracks the door and peers out.

“We're looking for Salvatore,”
Speriglio says. "You're his wife, right?"
he asks.

Tor

*Mona, right?" He has done his
homework.

And we're in. For the next 20 min-
utes, Speriglio does his number and I
listen, fighting the urge to blurt out,
"Your husband's playing hide the pep-
peroni and we know where!" But I
can't, because Speriglio and I are spies
in the house of love.

An estimated 20,000 single people
hired detectives last year to check out
lovers—up from almost none a decade

article by

ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y. CRAFT

ago. Like Salvatore's squeeze, most of
the clients were college graduates,
financially secure women who had tak-
en their share of dead-end rides up
lovers' lane. Each year, it seems, that
road becomes more treacherous.
Where once lovers feared heartache,
they now risk AIDS. Unless you marry.
your high school sweetheart, how
much can you know about your lover's
past? Tiptocing into the Nineties, gray-
img boom babes and their single
brethren are scared—racing the clock,
protecting their loot and perhaps gam-
bling with their lives.

Who ya gonna call?

“People come to my office for the
first time and go, ‘Gee, is this going to
be like Magnum, PL?" says Thomas
Martin, of Martin Investigative Serv-
ices in Orange, California. “I have to

Mullen, Cupid's answer man.

muarsow: We're double-parked out-
side a bar down the strect from the
Federal Reserve Bank. The bond
trader we're tailing is nursing a gin
and tonic; we know because we just
went inside and checked. To pass
the time, titillate us with tales of the
lifestyles of the rich and suspicious.

tell 'em, ‘Sorry, the reality o£ it is a lot
closer to Columbo."

Sam Spade may have chased his
leads up dark alleys and into dingy gin
mills, but the new generation of sleuths
lets its fingers do the walking. Comput-
er networks and acres of microfilmed
files have taken most of the shoe
leather out of the trade, particularly
the new boom business of background
investigations. Beginning with as little
as your paramours name, a desk-
bound Columbo can tap into billions of
bytes of information and produce a re-
port that includes everything from
phone numbers and current and pre-
vious addresses to auto registrations,
marriage licenses, divorce-court depo-
sitions, employment records, tax liens,
credit history and civil and criminal
judgments. All that for as little as $100

SSS SS ee
DETECTIVE D’AMOUR

recognized as one of the top legal and corporate investigators in the world,
joe mullen is also the guy who knows where love has been

MULLEN: My biggest single case ever
is—notice I said "is"—a television
producer who has sunk two hun-
dred and fifty grand into surveil-
lance of a gorgeous young thing.
Wasn't even a divorce. That case
made me the down payment on my
apartment. This producer still has
us tail her several times each year,
always at Christmas and New
Year's. I've found out that she's
fucking the head of a New York
publishing house. Over the years,
the producer has spent so much
money on the tail job that I got real
curious. I asked his secretary what
he wanted out of this surveillance.
She just shrugged and answered,
“That girl makes him hard.”
PLAYBOY: We sat quietly in your office
when the brunette in the mink coat
and black-leather pants hired you
for this job. Did she pick your name
out of the phone book?

MULLEN: She was referred by her
lawyer. The woman wants us to dis-
cover whether her husband's still
making it with this blonde actress.
He and the actress had an affair
during their trial separation and
she thinks he may be seeing her
again. The brunette's going away
on a two-week business trip, so hub-
by will have plenty of opportunity
to make it with the actress if he has
the inclination. If she goes through
with the divorce, we stand a good
shot at financial work on the case.

to $500. Some cases—like Italian stal-
lion Salvatore's—may require the
more costly procedure of surveillance.
But for about 90 percent of all back-
ground checks on lovers, a data
spelunk is all that’s necessary.

A lot of singles want to know if their
partners have AIDS.

“I tell 'em, I have no magic comput-
er that can tell me where your swectie's
been sleeping,” says Martin, who, like
other detectives, ranks medical records
among the toughest to plunder.

Its easy enough to find out if a
boyfriend is unfaithful. A few choice
hours of surveillance vill usually yield
an episode in the Adventures of Mr.
Zipper And it might not take even
that, according to Ed Pankau, head of
the Texas-based Intertect detective

(continued cn page 190)

PLwBOY: We take it that “discover”
understates your ability to probe for
confidential information.

MULLEN: There are certain records
that are not public—bank state-
ments and records of telephone
calls—that nobody gets. But every
private investigator has confidential
sources, like friends at the tele-
phone company.

pLarsor: The brunette wrote you a
check for two grand. What has she
bought?

MULLEN: New York surveillance—
two men and a car—runs about sev-
en hundred dollars a day. I charge a
hundred and fifty dollars an hour
for my own time. Plus expenses. 1£
people are wealthy, you don't ask
for a big retainer. They're not going
to run away. I'll take a retainer of
twenty-five hundred dollars or so.
You ask for an advance because
you're starüng to lay out some cash
yourself. We'll work against the re-
tainer and see if we come up with
anything. You've also got to set
goals in a case and know when
to throw in the towel. You don't
want to lay out thirty-seven grand
in a matrimonial case and win a
couch.

pLaygoy: Just how does the old-fash-
ioned tail job support high-stakes
litigation in a matrimonial case?
MULLEN: Adultery is mental cruelty.
One of my (continued on page 192)

"Sex sells. Year in, year out."

105

106

JULIE BROKE UP with Connor in the
middle of a swamp.

Julie silendy revises: not ex-
actly in the middle, not knee-
ideep in rotting leaves and
idubious brown water. More or
lless on the edge; sort of within

triking distance. Well, in an

linn, to be precise. Or not even
an inn. A room in a pub. What was
available.

And not in a swamp, anyway. In a
bog. Swamp is when the water goes in
one end and out the other; bog is when
it goes in and stays in. How many times
did Connor have to explain the differ-
ence? Quite a few. But Julie prefers the
sound of swamp. lt is mistier, more
haunted. Bog is a slang word for toilet,
and when you hear bog, you know the
toilet will be a battered and smelly one,
and that there will be no toilet paper.

So Julie always says, J broke up with
Connor in the middle of a swamp.

There are other things she revises as
well. She revises Connor. She revises
herself. Connor's wife stays approxi
mately the same, but she was an inven-
tion of Julie’s in the first place, since
Julie never met her.

Connor mentioned the wife, and the
three children and the dog, fairly soon
after he and Julie met. Well, not met.
Slept together. It was almost the same

ing.

“Julie supposes, now, that he didn't
want to scare her off by bringing up
the subject too soon. By the time he
did get around to making a sheepish

avowal or confession, Julie was in no
position to be scared off. She was al-
ready lying in a motel room, wound
loosely in a sheet. She was too tired to
be scared off and also too amazed, and
also too grateful. Connor was not her
first lover, but he was her first grown-
up one, he was the first who did not
treat sex as some kind of panty raid.
He took her body seriously, which im-
pressed her no end.

At the time—what was the time? It
was 20 years ago, or 25. More like 30.
It was the early Sixties; the precise year
had to do with bubble-cut hairdos,
with white lipstick, with dark rings
penciled around the eyes. Also, purple
was big as a color, though Julie herself
favored the more rebellious black. She
thought of herself as a sort of pirate. A
dark-eyed, hawk-faced, shaggy-haired
raider, making daring inroads on the
borders of smug domestic settlements.
Setting fire to the roofs, getting away
with the loot, suiting herself. She stud-
ied modern philosophy, read Sartre on
the side, smoked Gitanes and cultivat-
ed a look of bored contempt. But
inwardly, she was seething with unfo-
cused excitement and locking for
someone to worship.

Connor was it. Julie was in her last
year of university, in Toronto, and
Connor was her professor for archae-
ology—a one-hour-a-week course you
could take instead of religious knowl-
edge. Julie fell in love with his voice,
rich and rough-edged, persuasive and
abraded, rising and falling in the dark-
ness like a stroking, insistent hand

while he showed slides of Celtic tombs.
‘Then she got tangled up with him in
his office, where she'd gone intention-
ally late in the day to discuss her final
term paper. Then they'd ended up in
the motel. In that era, such things hap-
pened more easily between students
and their professors. There was no
such phrase as “sexual harassment,”
even. There was no such thought.

At the time, Julie did not think the
wife and the three kids and the dog
had anything to do with her and Con-
nor. She was too young to make such
connections: The wife was as old as her
own mother, almost. She could not pic-
ture Connor in any context other than
the motel rooms they would sneak in-
to. She did not think of him as having
an existence apart from her: The wife
and kids were just boring subsistence
details, like brushing your teeth. In-
stead, she saw him in glorious and no-
ble isolation, a man singled out, like an
astronaut, like a diver in a bell jar, like
a saint in a medieval painting, sur-
rounded by a golden atmosphere of
his own, a total-body halo. She wanted
to be in there with him, participating
in his radiance, basking in his light.

Because of her original awe of Con-
nor—he was very smart, he knew a lot
about ancient bones, about foreign
travel, about how to mix drinks—she
did not drive nearly as hard a bargain
with him as she could have. But then,
she had not been conscious of driving a
bargain at all. She had been possessed
by some notion of self-sacrifice; she
had asked nothing for herself, except

JUUE SITS AND BROODS—AND WAITS FOR CONNOR

Te hal s

BOGIN AN]

FICTION By MARGARET ATWOOD

PAINTING BY KEN WARNEKE

PLAYBOY

that Connor should continue to be su-
perhuman.

The first motel was two months ago.
Julie feels she has aged a great deal
since then. She sits in the uncomfort-
able maroon plush armchair in her
room in the Scottish pub in the small
town near the bog, beside the window
with its grubby white curtains and the
dear northern light coming in, smok-
ing Gitanes and drinking from a cold
cup oftea she has brought up from her
spectacularly awful breakfast with its
limp underdone bacon and its burnt
grilled tomatoes. She sits and she
smokes, and she knits.

Knitting is something she has just
taken up again, having learned it as a
child from a mother who believed in
the female domestic virtues. She was
also taught to crochet, to set in zippers,
to polish silverware, to produce a
gleaming toilet. This was baggage
she'd discarded as soon as she hit
Spinoza; two years, a year ago, she
would have despised knitting. But
there is not a lot to do in this town
when Connor is not here. Julie has
been up and down the main street sev-
eral times; she has been drizzled on by
the weather, she has been scowled at by
the tweed-covered inhabitants. She has
sat in the one café and drunk vile cof-
fee and eaten bland and lard-flavored
scones. She has inspected the anaent
church: not a lot to see there. The
stained-glass windows must have gone
when the Presbyterians took over.
Dead soldiers' names on the wall, as if
God were interested.

The knitting is a last resort. Whatev-
er else tiny Scottish towns like this one
may lack, they all have wool stores.
Julie went into the wool store, fended
off inquiries as to her marital status
and general mode of existence and
bought a pattern for a sweater
jumper, they call it here—and some big
needles, and a number of skeins of
dark-gray wool. She wound the skeins
into balls, and then she went back to
the wool store and bought an ugly
tapestry bag with wooden handles to
put them in. Knitting is not really very
soothing, but it gives her something to
do with her hands while she broods
and waits for Connor.

What she's knitting is a sweater for
Connor. She's doing the first sleeve.
After a while, she realizes that she has
knitted the sleeve eight inches longer
than it should be. It will make Connor
look like an orangutan. Let him com-
plain, she thinks. She leaves it that way
and begins on the other sleeve. She in-
tends to make it equally long.

While Julie knits, Connor is off in-
specting the bog man. The bog man is

108 why they are here.

When the bog-man find was an-
nounced, they were on the island of
Orkney. Connor was looking at stand-
ing-stone ring sites and Julie was pre-
tending to be his assistant. This was
Connor's bright idea. It has allowed
him to write off Julie as part of the ex-
pense of this particular expedition, but
it has fooled nobody for long; at least
not the barmen, at least not the maids
in the various inns where they've been
staying, who sneer at Julie in a dour,
self-righteous way, despite the fact that
Julie and Connor have taken care to
book separate rooms. Maybe Julie
should look more industrious; maybe
she should carry notebooks and bustle
around more.

Despite the sneers of the maids and
the innuendoes of the barmen, Julie
enjoyed herself quite a lot in Orkney.
Not even the breakfasts dismayed her,
not even the congealed oatmeal and
the dry toast. Not even the dinners. It
would have taken a good many rock-
hard lamb chops, a great deal of over-
fried fish to dampen her spirits. It was
her first trip across the Atlantic Ocean;
she wanted things to be old and pic-
turesque. More importantly, it was the
first time she and Connor had been
alone together for any length of time.
She felt almost marooned with him.
He felt it, too; he was more uninhibit-
ed, less nervous about footsteps out-
side the door; and although he still
had to get up and sneak out in the
middle of the night, it was comforting
to know that he only snuck next door.

It was July, the fields were green, the
sun shone, the stone cirdes were suit-
ably mysterious. If Julie stood in the
centers of them and closed her eyes
and kept still, she thought she could
hear a sort of hum. Connor's theory
was that these rings were not merely
large, harmless primitive calendars,
erected for the purpose of determining
the solstices. He thought they were the
sites of ritual human sacrifices. This
should have made them more sinister
for Julie, but it did not. Instead, she
felt a connection with her ancestors.
Her mother's family had come from
this part of the world, more or less;
from somewhere in the north of Scot-
land. She liked to sit among the stand-
ing stones and picture her ancestors
running around naked and covered
with blue tattoos, offering cups of
blood to the gods, or whatever they
did. Some bloodthirsty, indecipherable
Pictish thing. The blood made them
authentic, as authentic as the Mayans;
or at least more authentic than all that
clan and tartan and bagpipe stuff,
which Julie found tedious and senti-
mental. There had been enough of it at
her university to last her for a while.

But then the bog man had been dis-

covered and they'd had to pack and
take the ferry to the mainland, where it
was rainier Julie would have liked to
stay on Orkney, but Connor was hot on
the trail. He wanted to get there before
the bog man had been completely, as
he said, ruined. He wanted to get there
before everyone else.

This particular bog man was un-
earthed by a peat digger who'd cut in-
to him accidentally with the sharp
blade of his shovel, severing the feet.
He'd thought he was a recent murder
victim. It was hard for him to believe
the bog man was 2000 years old: He
was so perfectly preserved.

Some of the previously uncovered
bog people aren't much to look at,
judging by the pictures of them Con-
nor has shown her. The bog water has
tanned their skins and preserved their
hair, but often their bones have dis-
solved and the weight of the peat has
squashed them flat, so that they resem-
ble extremely sick items of leather
gear. Julie does not feel the same con-
nection with them that she feels with
the standing stones. The idea of hu-
man sacrifice is one thing, but the left-
overs are something else again.

Before this trip, Julie didn't know
very much about bog people, but now
she does. For instance, this bog man
died by being strangled with a twisted
leather noose and sunk in the bog,
probably as a sacrihce to the great god-
dess Nerthus, or someone like her, to
ensure the fertility of the crops. "After
a sexual orgy of some kind," said Con-
nor hopefully. "Those nature goddess-
es were voracious."

He proceeded to give examples of
the things that had been sacrificed to
the nature goddesses. Necklaces were a
feature, and pots. Many pots and cal-
drons had been dug up out of the
bogs, here and there around northern
Europe. Connor has a map, with the
sites marked and a list of what has been
found at each one. He seems to think
Julie ought to have memorized this list,
that she ought to have its details at her
finger tips, and acts surprised when it
turns out she doesn't. Among his other
virtues, or defects—Julie is beginning
to find it hard to tell the difference—
Connor is pedagogical. Julie has start-
ed to suspect him of trying to mold her
mind. Into what, is the question.

As she knits, she makes a mental list.
of other things that get molded.
Steamed Christmas puddings, poured-
concrete lawn dwarfs, gelatin desserts,
wobbly and bright pink and dotted
with baby marshmallows. Thinking of
these reminds Julie of her own mother,
and then of Connor's wife.

It's astounding to her, the way this
invisible wife has put on flesh, has

(continued on page 203)

*[ love the way you make a litile game out of everything!”

PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF
JAZZ AND ROCK

HOT JR EP
TORYVI

the flashy kings from the french quarter carry their syncopation
north and america discovers a sexy new music it can dance to

Part Two

article By DAVID STANDISH

ELECTRIC SHOES: They were called St.
Louis flats and Chicago flats, with
cork soles, no heels, and decorated
with lucky designs. The real sports
implanted tiny light bulbs in the
toes, attached to a battery in their
pockets. When they saw a sweet Jane
coming up the sidewalk along
Liberty Street, or drinking in The Pig
Ankle or 25's or some other Storyville
honky-tonk, they'd blink their shoes to
say, “Hello, I love you, won't you tell me
your name?”

New Orleans around 1900 was a scene.
And Buddy Bolden's band was the hottest
sound in town. He was inspired enough to have
created his own style on the cornet. He was the leader
of what is widely considered the first popular jazz band, and
he finally proved too crazy for his own good.

He did regular gigs at Johnson and Lincoln parks, which
were right next to each other, south of Canal Street on

Carrollton Avenue. Not just a place
for picnics, they were early versions
of amusement parks, as well. There
were balloon ascensions, parachute
jumps, freworks displays and
dance pavilions where vaudeville
acts and bands performed.
The men in Bolden's Fagle Band
played it loud and dirty. They'd
show up at the gig doing the dozens
on one another, so inventively scato-
logical that they had the reputation of
being what jazz historian Martin Williams
has called “the nastiest-talking men in the
history of New Orleans.”
Then Bolden would begin “calling the chil-
dren home,” which was, basically, his method of

New Orleans funeral bands that wailed en route to the ceme-
tery (left) would whoop it up after “cutting the body loose."
Working girls (above) in Storyville courted clients to the rhythms
of ragtime piano men, who, with the brass bands, begot jazz.

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY

advertising. He would blow hard and

loud to let everyone in the general
vicinity know his band had arrived at
next door, less than 100 yards away,

the park especially those in the park
where the Robichaux band was often
playing. John Robichaux was a Creole,
with formal musical training, unlike
the self-taught black Bolden band—a
racial and cultural distinction that ran
through the music of

New Orleans at that
ume.

used to
blow the
smooth-

THE ORIGINAL COVER BAND

Everyone from Elvis Presley and Pat Boone in the Fifties
to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones in the Sixties got rich
and famous recording black music for white audiences. But
the Original Dixieland Jazz Band (above) was the first to do it
with jazz. Jazz legend asserts that black cornettist Freddie Kep-
pard was the first jazzman approached by Victor, but he turned
the label down because he worried that recording the music would

away, and
people
would stream
over to hear the

Bolden band play.
Since no Bolden re-

cording has ever been found, spoil the fun—though experts say he feared that people would “steal his
this is all legend. But everyone who ev- | stuff.” So the white O.D.].B. had the honor of cutting the first jazz record in
er heard him talked about the power | 1917, with Dixieland Jass Band One-step on one side and Livery Stable Blues on
of his playing. Some claimed that when | the other. It sold more than 1,000,000 copics, an amazing number for

he was blowing | them—and for then. Almost overnight, jazz had become America's musical
“Jax, that's a name hard, you could | mania. Pictured ar left is the Victor label for Mournin’ Blues, a follow-up.

hear him clear

the white people across the river
have given to the in Gretna.

Bolden's Ea-

gle Band used

could mean any (0 gig, too, at

Los Qua the Odd Fellows

damn thing: high g. Masonic Hall

times, screwing, on Perdido

Street and at
Ballroom. . . . But the Union Sons

when you say rag- Hall just up the
x " . street. Such so-
time, you're saying cieties were im-
the music."—Reed portant in black
New Orleans
around the turn
of the century.
Many of these societies had an associa-
tion with a nearby funeral parlor and
membership in them provided funeral
insurance. It was at those funeral par-
lors that the famous New Orleans
funeral marches began, with bands
playing dolefully en route to the

cemetery then
= > whooping and
raving all the way
back to a rau-
cous wake. The
halls were busi-

music. . . . Jam

man SIDNEY BECHET

The Original Creole Orchestra (abave), led by Freddie Keppord, third from left, missed
ness and social making the first jazz disc, but the legendary cornettist Buddy Bolden supposedly recorded
centers, and on Edison cylinders (left) around the turn of the century. Nobody has ever found o copy.

New Orleans understands serious portying, with ethnic voriety in both its food ond its mu-

sic, ond from the locks of the 1899 engraving of o Mordi Gras celebrotion (above), it wos
wilder and weirder then than now. The oshtroy (below) is a souvenir ofthe 1913 blowout.

The Pioneer Rock Star

A fashion plate and Romeo, New
Orleans Creole musician Jelly
Roll Morton was the Mick Jagger
of his day. Always modest, he
claimed, "I personally invented
jazz... in 1902.” Nor exactly.
At 15, he was playing “barrel-
house” piano in Storyville joints
with a style so distinct that
passers-by could identify him.
One of his modest songs went,
"Never had no one woman at a
time—I always had six, seven,
eight or nine.”

places to party, where on Samrday
nights, the faithful would dance till
dawn, and where, just a few hours later
on Sunday morning, theyd attend
church services.

Louis Armstrong, who was born in
1900 and grew up in nearby James Al-
ley, remembered pecking through the
cracks of one of these halls when he
was five or six to sec what was going on
inside. “It wasn't no classyfied place,
just a big ol’ room with a bandstand.
And to a tune like The Bucket's Got a
Hole in It, some of them chicks would
get way down, shake everything, slap-
ping themselves on the cheek of their
behind. Yeah!"

The Bolden band gave Union Sons
its more lasting name—Funky Butt
Hall. The story goes that on one Satur-
day night, the air was particularly foul
and a band member came up with
some lyrics to suit the occasion:

I thought I heard Buddy Bolden say,

“Dirty, nasty stinky butt, take it away,
Dirty, nasty stinky butt, take it away,

And let Mr. Bolden play.”

Everybody knew the hall as Funky
Butt after that, and the tune became a
standard of Bolden's repertoire.

Where Bolden got the beat nobody
really knows. Certainly, it started with
the sounds of the city. New Orleans has
always been different from other
American cities. The mix of people and

Born poor in 1900, Louis Armstrong
leoped from bugling reveille at a reform
school to ploying cornet in Kid Ory's
group—the hottest bond in New Orleons
circa 1918. He inspired Bix Beiderbecke
ond leter troded licks with jorz greats.
His memoir, Satchmo, is a grect reod.

Johnny Gott

Thetaternetioncl 5 i
Sovis Gan

Mela Gres

cultures—and their various musical
backgrounds—is what writer after
writer can't resist calling a gumbo.

At first, New Orleans was variously
Spanish and French, more a part of
the French Caribbean than North
America. What-

ever their „

national short- “J” that block . . .
comings, the there were church
French colonial-

ists always were People, gamblers,

more laissez-
faire about mat-
ters of race than

hustlers, pimps,
thieves, prostitutes

m _ British in and lots of children.
their empires

ever were, less There were bars,
oened honky-tonks and
sour dien o, ond tt
duced by inter- of women walk-
racial liaisons. _ z
And that led ing the streets.

to a cultivated
Creole class
schooled in Eu-
ropean musical
traditions, with a piano in the house
and formal music lessons—generally
starting with violin—taken for granted.

American blacks were the city's

— LOUIS “SATCHMO”
ARMSTRONG

113

proletariat, their general economic lot and social status considerably
below that of the Creoles. In fact, the Creoles went to great pains to dis-
tinguish themselves from the blacks.
Charles "Buddy" Bolden came from the other side of the tracks—
or, rather, the canal. He was born in New Orleans in 1877, the
son of a wagon driver, near one of the canals that then cut right
through the city. He was six when his father died, and from then
on, his mother supported the family as well as she could as a
laundress and maid. So he grew up as a poor kid, a little bit wild.
Bolden would
The Victor Talking Machine for 78-rpm discs (orm have heard all
and stylus, above) blew away the earlier and less kinds of music—

uses : ihat famous New
practical cylinders, just as the young hom man Orleans gumbo

Louis "Sotchmo” Armstrong, whose Waifs’ Hame from the marching
bugle and first cornet are shown below, did to older bands to the Baptist
players. Armstrong's move to Chicago in 1922 church choirs and

spurred on the Jazz Age, its floppers and fast times. Spirituals on Sum
day morning. And

it's not hard to see
him looking
through a honky-
tonk window, listen-
ing to some "piano
professor" playing
ragtime or to new-
comers fresh from
Delta country per-
forming the power-
ful, unschooled
music that would
later be called the
blues.

From the first,
Bolden had a repu-
tation for playing
loud, with so much
passion that people
worried that he
might blow out his
brains—which, in a
way, he finally did
They called it his
"trance music,” or
"head music as
opposed to the
more orderly, com-
posed stuff the
other bands were
playing. And while,
strictly speaking, the music he played during his heyday—from about
1895 to 1906—wasn't quite jazz, his was the first band to come close.

Bolden's music had less improvisation than jazz, but Bolden was
good at faking it when he forgot a particular passage, often with off-
the-beat "blue notes." He also put himself into it, making it personal,
giving whatever he played his own style—which is an essential of jazz.

In black New Orleans, Bolden became a star. His occupational listing
in the city directory quickly changed from "plasterer" to "musician."
He soon went from being "Kid" Bolden to "King" Bolden. He had

ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y. CRAFT

PLAYBOY

116

what were probably the first groupies
in New Orleans. Story after story tells
of how women bought him clothes and
jewelry, carried his coat and cornet to
gigs for him, how he lived with three
women at a time (not true, says biogra-
pher Donald M. Marquis) and how he
drank and partied as hard as he
played.

In 1906, at the height of his popular-
ity, he began to suffer from severe
headaches and paranoia. His sudden
dedine has been attributed to alco-
holism, tertiary syphilis or just plain in-
sanity In 1907, his family had him
committed to a state mental institution,
where he remained forgotten until his
death in 1931, his jazz career one of
the first to end in tragedy. And by the
time Bolden died, the Funky Butt had
become a Baptist church.

When his troubled mind forced
Bolden into seclusion in 1906, compe-
tition was already hot—a factor that
may have contributed to his mental
trouble. Bolden's formerly brand-new
sound was becoming widely imitated,
and new players—such as cornettists
Freddie Keppard and Joseph "King"
Oliver—wanted, like up-and-coming
prize fighters, to challenge Bolden for
the title of King. And a lot of them
were playing in Storyville.

Storyville was a unique social experi-
mentin the United States. In 1897, the
city council, led by Alderman Joseph
Story, voted to legalize prostitution
within a several-square-block area east
of Canal Street—on the Downtown
side. It quickly earned the nickname
Storyville—though it was a name used
more by the tourists than by the locals.
The musicians usually just called Sto-
ryville “the District.”

From 1897 until 1917, when the
U.S. Navy had it shut down in order to
keep the sailors more intent on World
War One, Storyville was a mélange of
barrel-house saloons; the "cribs" of the
less expensive independent tarts, who
would stand out front on the sidewalk
in sexy lingerie, singing low blues be-
tween customers; and the fancy man-
sions with chandeliers and marble
foors, champagne in crystal glasses
and, naturally, the prettiest girls.

And all ofthis needed a sound track.

Although jazz didn't strictly begin in
Storyville, it certainly bloomed in the
District. Part of the reason was pure
economics: Playing in the Olympia or
the Excelsior or one of the other
marching bands, a musician might
work only two times a week. In Sto-
ryville, he would get paid every night.

While musicians flocked to Sto-
ryville, the music itself was changing
because of the social realities of the Jim
Crow laws that were enacted early in
the 1890s. Their effect, if not chief pur-

pose, was to remind America's blacks
that they might not be slaves anymore,
but they still weren't white; they were
second-class citizens and had better not
forget it.

To the black laborers in New Or-
leans, and to those country blacks drift-
ing into town from the plantations, this
discrimination wasn't exactly news.
But it came as a great social and
economic blow to the light-skinned
Creoles who were legally reclassified as
black and were newly barred from all
of the jobs and social outlets from
which other blacks had always been
barred.

In music, European-trained Creoles
now were playing beside blues-orient-
ed blacks just in from the country.
And because of popular demand, the
ragtimers were forced to learn the
popular blues riffs of their country
counterparts. It was this reluctant cul-
tural clash that helped create jazz.

Alan Lomax, in Mister Jelly Roll, de-
scribes the components that produced
jazz:

Downtown joined forces with

Uptown

Written Music was compro-
mised by Head Music

Pure Tone sounded beside Dirty
Tone

Urbanity encountered Sorrow

Nice Songs were colored by tlie
Low-down Blues

"Two musical traditions were slam-
ming together in the cheerful nuclear
reaction that became jazz.

It’s significant that the word jazz
wasn't used much until around 1917—
derived from an African word, some
derived from jism said others—
and it was at first variously spelled jas,
jaz, jass, even jascz before jazz won out.

Early clarinetist and sax player Sid-
ney Bechet didn't like the term: "Jazz,
that's a name the white people have
given to the music. . .. When I tell you
ragtime, you can feel it, there's a spirit
right in the word. It comes out of the
Negro spirituals, out of [the slave's]
way of singing, out of his rhythm. But
jazz—jazz could mean any damn thing:
high times, screwing, baliroom."

Until the white people started call-
ing this emerging music jazz, the black
people who played it usually called it
either ragtime or blues—though, in
fact, it grew up through a crack be-
tween the two.

Ragging the music, playing it in
raggedy ume, was an African musical
tradition that had survived slavery.
And in the early 1890s, a tinkly synco-
pated—though composed—piano music
called ragtime began to enjoy huge
popularity in part because partiers
could dance the cakewalk to it.

Ragtime came out of the same social
dass that produced the Creole musi-
Gans—the better-off African Ameri-
cans who had pianos in their homes
and the money to give their kids for-
mal musical training.

Ragüme's main man was Scott
Joplin, who, like Bolden, brought to-
gether various streams into one new
shining river—and did so in the
boonies of Sedalia, Missouri. Joplin
was born in Texarkana in 1868 and
rambled all over the South and Mid-
west, including St. Louis' tenderloin, a
riverside replica of New Orleans’ Dis-
trict, and Sedalia, a railhead that pro-
vided work for plenty of black laborers
who partied on Saturday nights.

A fallacy concerning jazz's origins is
that it somehow sprang to life just in
New Orleans. It was more like light-
ning setting fire to different parts of a
dry prairie, or separate spontaneous
combustions in plantations and cities
across the country. Indeed, ragtime
quickly became such a national phe-
nomenon that Joplin was a popular
performer during the World's Colum-
bian Exposition in Chicago in 1893. By
the time his delicate Maple Leaf Rag
was published in 1899, ragtime had be-
come the next big thing in popular
music.

The blues were becoming a popular
form as well, in part because of W. C.
Handy. Two experiences in particular
inspired the bandleader, who, in 1903,
was touring the Mississippi Delta coun-
try with the Knights of Pythias Band.
One night, he found himself at a small
railroad station in rural Tutwiler, Mis-
sissippi, where he watched a musician
slide a knife along the strings of his
guitar, producing a mournful voicelike
sound that accompanied his lyric
“Goin' where the Southern cross the
Dog. ..." When Handy asked him what
it meant, the guitar player said he was
just singing about his travel plans—he
was on his way farther south to where
two railroad lines intersected.

Somewhat later, in Cleveland, Missis-
sippi, Handy noted a local three-man
"colored" band that performed while
his own band took a break. "Just a bat-
tered guitar, a mandolin and a worn-
out bass," Handy later recalled. "They
struck up one of these over-and-over
strains that seem to have no very clear
beginning and no ending at all. . . . It
was not really annoying or unpleasant.
Perhaps haunting is a better word. But
I commenced to wonder if anybody be-
sides small-town rounders and their
running mates would go for it" He
soon got his answer. At the end of their
short set, people threw more money
onto the stage for those three down-
home players than what Handys

(continued on page 200)

NEL
EE

“When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a little

old man and eight tiny reindeer!

UCKEYE BEAUTY

my-oh, my-oh, my-oh—look who we found in ohio

Tis precisely two em. in the
little township of Sidney,
Ohio, a gingerbread hamlet
30 scenic minutes north of
Dayton's city limits. As the
clock strikes the hour, Beauti-
ful Dreamer chimes from the Shelby
County courthouse bell tower. For
Sidneyite Stacy Leigh Arthur, it is
a fitting song—perfectly fitting, in
fact. For although Stacy is a small-
town girl by day—watching after
the kids, running errands, check-
ing in with the Main Street ceram-
ics studio she and her husband
own—by night, she dreams of hit-
ting the big time. Funny thing is,
Stacy's dreams keep coming true.
Yes, our Miss January is actually a
Mrs.—a double Mrs., to be exact.
First and foremost, she is Mrs.
James Arthur, devoted wife of a lo-
cal businessman who divides his
time between renting out commer-
cial space and being a Stacy fan.
But she is also Mrs. Ohio, a title
that was bestowed upon her last
June at a state-wide competition
held near Columbus. The pag-
eant's youngest contestant and the
only one ever to win the crown on
her first try, Stacy will travel to
Moscow this month. There she'll
represent the Buckeye State in the
Mrs. America pageant, which will
take place concurrently with the
Mrs. U.S.S.R. pageant, both to be
globally televised. Ohio is crossin;
its fingers; Sidney is beside itself.
Talk about your hometown girl
making good. A high school bride, a mother at 19, Stacy settled in Sidney two years ago
after a decidedly nomadic childhood. “We moved from Illinois to Michigan six weeks aft-
er I was born,” explains Stacy, “and then six more times before 1 was fourteen. And it was
always small towns,” she adds, tossing back a thick forest of blonde hair and laughing.
“Small towns with guys who constantly wanted to find out what the new chick looked
like." In 1987, Stacy had a baby, opened her studio and, for a while, all was well. But in

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

Her victory in the Mrs. Ohio
pageant (above) brought Stacy
instant stardom: She rade in Sid-
ney’s Fourth of July parade, gat
kudas fram the gavernar’s af-
fice—ond became a Playmate.

^| had no problem taking my clothes off for the camera,” says Mrs. Ohio, Stacy Arthur. “I just walked into the studio and took off my
120 robe; | had nothing on but my earrings. It was a bit of a turn-on, actually," she adds candidly. "That's why the pictures are so sexy.”

"Sure, l'm a dreamer,” says Stacy. "I've been dreamin’ all my life. And I love storybook endings—I'm always watching Cinderella with the
kids." What are Stacy's yet-to-be-fulfilled dreams? "To make it as a country singer," she says. “It’s a tough field to break into, but the
Playboy experience has renewed my confidence. And, oh, yeah," she adds, "I'd love to be interviewed by Arsenio Hall on his TV show.” — 123

124

one of the few not-so-happily-ever-afters of her life, her first marriage hit the rocks in 1988 ("It was a mutual thing,” she
says. “No hard feelings"). That's when she met Jim Arthur—also newly single, with children—who was buying the building
in which her shop was located. An admirer, Jim proposed to Stacy the day her divorce was final; they were married four
months later. Learning that Stacy had always been a fan of beauty contests, Jim decided to help her enter some and became
her manager. “Without him, 1 wouldn't have been able to make it,” she says now. “He always — (lex concluded on page 199)

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

nes "pir, Le 4 Arthur

sust: «MD WAIST: E HIPS: dog
mom: A Z" wem: ZT
BIRTH in A Naper ville AA

AMBITIONS:

all to become a successfu/ country Singer.
TURN-ONS: eux Live, tell Ë bull IDEN ;

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en E a TORT -
FAVORITE PERFORMERS:.

:Sigourney beaver, Sylvester aller,
Beba Mekntire kori Morgan, Arseni a Hal __

FAVORITE. FOODS:
the Columbus, Ohio, OSU campus! Yum-yum!
SMALL-TOWN LIFE: The goad: : Wo trathe 78 Mav tas,
family dibaces The bad: t secl unde, Ran

7 GA T

NEW YEAR'S vu EU o TR A.

d ex,

My Confirmation Abd | Eg "Really, T am = 5
(Sweet CEnnceexe? at hea vod girl!

ze N
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“u

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

Two friends went off on their
trip to the north woods. /
campfire late one night, a huge animal suddenly
crashed through the underbrush, heading right
for them. One of the men dashed for safety be-
hind a large boulder. but the other began to try
to outrun the growling beast

the sprinting fellow

nual hunting
5 they sat around the

screamed. "A bes
How the hell should I know?" his companion
yelled back. “I'm in textiles, not furs.

Our theological sources tell us the Vatican is
coming out with a Catholic version of Playboy
The centerfold will be the same, but you have to
pull it out at just the right moment.

A customer walked into a neighborhood
on a stool and ordered a whiskey with
chaser. Six silent hours and many whiskeys and
chasers later, he looked up at the bartender and
finally said, “Nice weather were having;

“Hey, pal,” the bartender snarled, “you wanna
drink or you wanna bullshit?"

One food company is considering marketing a
new cereal with a picture of Andrew Dice Clay on
the box. I'll be called Nut in Bitch

According to insiders, the rivalry between Jim-
my Swaggart and Jim Bakker extended even to
their dogs. Witnesses report that Swaggart insist-
ed in their last fac ace meet
smarter.

“Mine can do every trick in the book,"

Let's see,

dead. Roll over. Sit up. Speak
* The animal performed faithfully

" Bakker sneered.

“Oh, yeah? How about this?" Swaggart s
he ordered his dog to jump through a h
on its hind legs and crawl on its belly
big shot.”

“OK. Here, Rover.” Bakker patted his dogs
head, looked heavenward and closed h
“Heel!” he commanded. The dog immediately
jumped onto Swaggarts lap and put his paw on
the stunned minister's forehead.

id, as
op, walk
lop that,

A young man was browsing in a record store
when he spotted two CDs he wanted. With mon-
ey for only onc, he stuck the first CD down the
Iront of his pants and paid for the other
As he walked out the door, the store ma:
stopped him, stared at his crotch and asked,
“Would that be a record in your pants?”
“Nah,” the young man replied, “but it's noth-
ing to be ashamed of, either."

Why did Exxon stop offshore drill
was already on shore

g? All its oil

An elderly couple were Killed in an accident and
soon found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside
condo, over there the tennis courts, swimming
pool and golf course. If you need any refresh-
ments, just push any of the scrvice buttons locat-
ed throughout the area.”

“Jeez, Helen," the old man hissed when S;
Peter walked off, “we could have been here
vears ago if you hadni heard about that god-
damn oat bran.”

Social scientists predict that before long, the
Japanese will own so much of Manhattan that
commuters traveling through the Lincoln Tunnel
will be asked to leave their shoes in New Jersey.

Whe

junctior
steps and.
Momma, we went swimmin' today!
“Th ice, Jethro.”
“And y know what?
“What, Jethro?
“L got me the biggest pecker in the whole
ire third-grade el.
That's nice, Jethro.
Why you think that is, Momma?"
1 rec seventeen, Jethro.”

t the backwoods
down the
iting mother. "Momma,

en-

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy,
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Hlinois
606F. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned,

“Nicole! This is supposed to be a sü-down dinner party!”

131

THERE WERE CHILDREN in swimsuits. The fire hydrant down MIURTRATIO BY SORE THEGDN,

the block was still open, its nozzle pouring a cascade of
water into the street, and whereas not a moment earlier
the kids had been splashing and running through the ar-
tificial waterfall, they had now drifted up the street to
where the real action was. Outside the building where
the blue-and-white Emergency Service truck and motor-
patrol cars were angled into the curb, there were also
men in tank tops and women in halters, most of them
wearing shorts, milling around behind the barricades the
police had set up. It was a hot night at the end of one of
the hottest days of the summer; the temperature at ten
PM. was still hovering in the mid-90s. There would have
been people in the streets even without the promise of
vast and unexpected entertainment.
In this city, during the first six months of
the year, more than 1200 murders had been
committed. Tonight, in a cluttered neigh- C77
borhood once almost exclusively Hispanic y h "

but now a volatile mix of Hispanic, Vict-

namese, Korean, Afghan and lranian, an
84-year-old man from Guayama, Puerto
Rico, sat with his eight-year-old American-
born granddaughter on his knee; a shotgun
was in his right hand and the barrel of the
gun rested on the girl's shoulder, angled toward her ear. the old man wants
Inspector William Cullen Brady had put a Spanish-
speaking member of his team on the door, but so far, the
old man had said only five words, and those in English:
"Co away, DI ill eae 5 a hooker—or else?
It was suffocatingly hot in the hallway where the nego-
tiating team had “contained” the old man and his grand- -—
daughter. The narrow hallway, with its admixture of but, sir, i'm
exotic cooking smells, now contained at least three dozen
police officers, not counting those who had spilled over
onto the fire stairs or those who were massed in the not a hooker
apartment down the hall, which the police had requisi-
tioned as a command post. There were cops all over the
rooftops, too, and cops and firemen spreading safety nets
below, just in case the old man decided to throw his
granddaughter out the window.
The cop working the door was Emilio Carcia, and he
spoke Spanish fluently, but the old man wasn't having
any of it. The old man insisted on speaking English, a
rather limited English at that, litanizing the same five
words over and over again, “Go away, I'll kill her.” This
was a touchy situation here. The apartment was in a
housing project where only last week the Tactical Nar-
cotics Team had blown away four people in a raid, three
of them known drug dealers, but the fourth—unfortu-
nately—a 15-year-old boy who'd been in the apartment
delivering a case of beer from the local supermarket.
The kid had been black.
This meant that one of the city's foremost agitators had
rounded up all the usual yellers and screamers and had
picketed both the project and the local precinct, shouting
police brutality and racism and no justice, no peace and
all the usual slogans designed to create more friction
than already existed in a festering city on the edge of
open warfare. He was here tonight, too, wearing a red
fez and a purple shirt open to the waist, revealing a bold
gold chain with a crucifix dangling from it; the man was
a minister of God, after all.
The guy inside the apartment was a Puerto Rican,
which made him a member of the city's second largest
minority group, and if anything happened to him or that
little girl sitting on his lap, if any of these police-
men exercised the same bad judgment as had their col- fiction

leagues from T.N.T., there would be bloody hell to pay.
132 So anyone even remotely connected with the police By ED MC BAIN

PLAYBOY

department—including the Traffic De-
partment people in their brown uni-
forms—was tiptoeing, especially Emilio
Garcia, who was afraid he might say
something that would cause the little
girl's head to explode into the hallway
in a shower of gristle and blood.

"Oye me,” Garcia said. “Quiero ayu-
darte.”

te.

“Go away,” the old man said, “I'll kill
her.”

Down the hall, Dr. Michael Good-
man was talking to the man's daugh-
ter-in-law, an attractive woman in her
mid-40s, wearing sandals, a blue mini
and a red tube top, and speaking
rapid, accent-free English. She had in-
sisted that the old man speak English
now that he was here in America and
living in her home. Eileen Burke, the
female trainee with the negotiating
team, wondered if this was why he re-
fused to speak Spanish with their talk-
er at the door.

She was standing with the other
trainees in a rough circle around the
woman and Dr. Goodman, just outside
the open door to the command-post
apartment, where Inspector Brady was
in heavy discussion with Deputy In-
spector Di Santis of the Emergency
Service. Nobody wanted this one to
flare out of control. They were debat-
ing whether they should pull Garcia off
the door. They had thought thar a
Spanish-speaking negotiator would be
their best bet, but now. . . .

"Any reason why he's doing this?"
Goodman asked the woman.

"Because he's crazy," she said.

Her name was Gerry Valdez. She
had already told Goodman that her
husband's name was Joey and the old
man's name was Armando. Valdez, of
course. All of them Valdez, including
the litle girl on the old man's lap,
Pamela Valdez. And when were they
going to go in there and get her?

“Were trying to talk to your father-
in-law right this minute,” Goodman as-
sured her.

“Never mind talking to him, why
don't you just shoot him? Before he
hurts my daughter."

"Thar's what we're trying to make
sure of," Goodman said. "That nobody
gets hurt.”

He was translating the jargon they'd
had drummed into them for 12 hours
a day for the past month or more, time
and a half for sure. Never mind con-
tainment, never mind establishing
lines of communication or giving as-
surances of nonviolence, just cut to the
chase, dish it out clean and fast, we're
trying to talk to him, we're trying to
make sure nobody gets hurt here.

“Not him, not anybody,” Goodman
said, just in case the woman didn't yet

134 Understand that nobody was going in

there with guns blazing like Rambo.

From down the hall, Garcia was sig-
naling. Hand kept low at his side so
thar the old man in the apartment
wouldn't see it, wouldn't spook and
Pull the shotgun trigger. But signaling
distinctly and urgently, somebody get
over here, will you, please?

Gerry Valdez was telling Goodman
and the assembled trainees that her fa-
ther-in-law was a sex maniac. She'd
caught him several umes fondling her
daughters, or at least trying to fondle
them. That was what had started it all
today. She had caught him at it again,
and she had threatened to ship him
back to the goddamn island if he didn’t
quit, and the old man had got the shor-
gun out of where Joey kept it in the
closet and had grabbed Pamela, the
youngest one, the eight-year-old, and
had yelled he was going to kill her un-
less everybody lefi them alone.

Goodman was thinking they had a
serious problem here.

Brady was coming back up the hall
with Garcia. There was no one at the
door now. Just a lot of uniformed cops
milling around down the hall, waiting
for God only knew what.

“Mike?” Brady said. “Talk to you a
minute?”

The three went inside the com-
mand-post apartment. Brady closed
the door behind them.

Gerry Valdez began telling the
trainees that she didn’t really think the
old man was a sex maniac, it was just
that he was getting senile, you know?
He was 84 years old, he sometimes for-
got himself, forgot he wasn't still a little
boy chasing little girls along the beach,
you know? It was really a pity and a
shame, but at the same time, she didn't.
want him fooling around with her kids,
that was child abuse, wasn't it?

Eileen guessed it was.

She wondered what they were talk-
ing about inside that apartment.

Were it not for the shotgun, it would
have been comical.

The old man wanted a girl.

"What do you mean, a girl?" Good-
man said.

"He told me he'd trade his grand-
daughter for a girl," Garcia said.

“A girl?”

"He said if we send in a girl, he'll
give us his granddaughter."

"A girl?" Goodman said again.

This was unheard of. In all his years
of hostage negotiation, Goodman had
never had anyone request a girl. He'd
had takers who'd asked for cigarettes
or beer or a jet plane to Miami or, in
one instance, spaghetti vith red clam
sauce, but he had never had anyone
ask for a girl. This was something new
in the annals of hostage negotiation.

An 84-year-old man asking for a girl.

"You mean he wants a girl?" he said,
shaking his head, unvilling to believe
it.

“A girl,” Garcia said.

“Did he tell you this in Spanish or in
English?” Brady asked

“In Spanish.”

“Then there was no mistake.”

“No mistake, ‘Una chiquita, he said.
I'm sure he meant a hooker.”

“He wants a hooker.”

“The old goat wants a hooker,”
Brady said.

"Yes."

"Mike?" Brady said.

Goodman looked amused. Bur ir
wasn't funny.

"Can we send out for a hooker?"
Brady said.

"And a dozen red roses," Goodman
said, sull looking amused.

“Mike,” Brady said warningly.

“Irs just I never heard of such a re-
quest,” Goodman said.

“Can we get him a goddamn hooker
or not?” Brady said. “Swap him a
hooker for the little girl?"

"Absolutely not" Goodman said.
"We never give them another hostage,
that's a hard-and-fast rule. If we sent a
hooker in there and she got blown
away, you know what the media would
do with that, don't you?”

“Yeah,” Brady said glumly.

Garcia had been the talker on the
door so far, and he didn't want any-
thing to go wrong here. Garcia was on-
ly a detective/second, he didn't want
any heavy stuff coming down on him.
Brady was the boss. Goodman was a
civilian shrink who didn't matter, but
Brady was rank. So Garcia waited for
whatever he might decree.

“We've got a girl right here,” Brady
said.

He was referring to the woman po-
lice officer in his waining program.

"So what do you say, Burke?" he
asked.

"Sir?"

"You want to go in there or not?"

“If the shotgun comes out, I go in,"
Eileen said.

“That’s not the deal we made with
him,” Brady said.

“What was the deal?”

“He sends out his granddaughter,
we send in a girl”

“Then what?”

"Then the kid is safe," Brady said.

“How about me? Am 1 safe?”

Brady looked at her. "We can't send
in a real hooker,” he said.

“I realize that. I'm asking if you're

swapping my life for the kid's, sir.
That's what I'm asking."
(continued on page 207)

P L AY B 0 Y I N our comprehensive pre-season guide to the nation's top teams and players

COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW

sports By GARY COLE

with research by Nancy Mount
THE soUNDs of practice at Thomas &
Mack Center, Las Vegas, Nevada, seem
much the same as any other season.
Sneakers squealing on hardwood, the
grunts of young men as they push, piv-
ot and soar, the sharp sting of the prac-
tice whistle. To many, though, the
bounce ofthe ball is hollow this fall, be-
cause the best team in college basket-
ball, the reigning national champion,
has been dethroned before the sea-
son's first jump ball.

"This past July, the N.C.A.A. banned
the University of Nevada-Las Vegas
from post-season play for violations
that occurred in 1977. The long delay
grew out of a legal dispute between
UNLY coach Jerry Tarkanian and the
N.C.A.A., which ultimately dropped its
injunction of Tarkanian in favor of a
ban on post-season play. An appeal,
filed by the university with the
N.C.A.A. as we go to press, seems to
have little chance of success.

It may have been the right punish-
ment for the university and its ram-
bunctious coach, but it cheated
millions of basketball fans out of the
excitement of watching the Runnin’
Rebels’ bid to defend their national
championship. And for Larry John-
son—last season's brightest star and a
Playboy All-America this year—who
passed up at least $1,000,000 by elect-
ing to remain in school rather than de-
dare himself for the N.B.A. draft, the
punishment seemed especially severe.

While Nevada-Las Vegas won't
make it to Indianapolis and the Final
Four, its run-and-gun style, which has
become the sine qua non of college play,
most certainly will. From Loyola Mary-
mount to Memphis State to Georgia
Tech, it's shoot first and ask questions
later. And who's to complain? Last sea-
son featured more end-to-end thrills
and last-second heart-pounding finish-
es than any in memory.

So lets run our own fast break
through college basketball. by the way,
we've still given UNLV the number-
one ranking, because we think they're
still the best team in the nation.

AMERICAN SOUTH

Louisiana red sauce is hot, and so is
competition in the American South, an

Playboy All-Americo Larry Johnson ployed
like a man among boys for notional chomp
Nevoda-Los Vegos. The N.C.A.A. has
mode spectators of Johnson ond his teom-
mates for this season's March Madness.

aT
PLAYBOY’S

1. Nevada-Los Vegas 14, Konsos

2. Arkansas 16. Louisiana State

3. Arizona 16. Texas

4, Duke 17. St. John's

5, UCLA 18, Southern

6. Michigan State Mississippl

7. Georgetown 18. Georgia

8. Temple 20. Virglnlo

9. Georgia Tech 21. New Mexico

10. Syracuse 22. Alabamo

11. North Carolino 23. Oklahoma

12. Ohlo State 24. Missouri

13, Indlona 25. Louisville
POSSIBLE BREAKTHROUGHS

Pittsburgh, Connecticut, Xavier, Crelghton,

Murray State, Stanford, North Carolina

‘State, Memphis State, De Paul, Auburn, Ten-
nessee, Princeton, Eost Tennessee State.
[AAA A |

Fora complete conference-by-conference listing of the final.
standings, see page 216.

increasingly tough small conference
that gets its first automatic N.C.A.A.
tournament bid this year. Southwest-
ern Louisiana, New Orleans and
Louisiana Tech, all winners of 20 or
more games last season, are tightly
matched. Southwestern Louisiana's
Kevin Brooks is the conference's most
prolific scorer (20.1 points per game)
and Aaron Mitchell was the second
leading assist man in the nation last
season. The Rajin’ Cajuns shot third
best in the nation (8.7 average per
game) from the three-point line.
Louisiana Tech, which started 16-3
last season only to finish 20-8, will
again rely on 66" forward Anthony
Dade (18.1 p.p.g.). Coach Jerry Loyd
will count on junior college transfers
Eric Brown and Ron Ellis to help di-
versify the Bulldogs' attack. New Or-
leans, which signed 68" forward
Melvin Simon, Louisiana's most highly
recruited high school player, consist-
endy overachieves under third-ycar
coach Tim Floyd.

ATLANTIC COAST

You'd think making your third
straight trip to the Final Four and four
in the past five years would spell satis-
faction for coach Mike Krzyzewski and
his Duke Blue Devils. Duke's success
gave Coach K. about as much satisfac-
tion as Denver Broncos coach Dan
Reeves got from three frustrating trips
to the Super Bowl: none. Getting
blown out 103-73 by UNLV's Runnin’
Rebels, the most lopsided loss in
N.C.AA. title-game history, didn't ex-
actly promote a sense of accomplish-
ment.

But Coach K. is a product of the
Midwest (Chicago) a hard-working
guy who did his apprenticeship under
the other Coach K. (Bob Knight) when
the two were at Army. If four trips
didn't get the job done, perhaps the
fifth vill.

The Blue Devils vill miss center Alaa
Abdelnaby and three-point shooting
guard Phil Henderson, both of whom
have graduated to the N.B.A. Instead,
they'll rely on 6'11" Christian Laettner,
who averaged 16.3 p.p.g., and point
guard Bobby Hurley. Guard Bill Mc-
Caffrey is an excellent three-point
shooter. Grant Hill, a 67" freshman,

135

left to right

STEVE SMITH
GUARD
MICHIGAN STATE

MIKE IUZZOLINO

ANSON MOUNT SCHOLAR/ATHLETE
SAINT FRANCIS (PENNSYLVANIA)

LARRY JOHNSON

FORWARD
NEVADA-LAS VEGAS |

BILLY OWENS |

& a FORWARDS
SYRACUSE Y,

I
DON MACLEAN |

FORWARD
UCLA

DIKEMBE MUTOMBO

FORWARD
GEORGETOWN

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
CENTER
LOUISIANA STATE

^ KENNY ANDERSON
= GUARD
} GEORGIA TECH

STAGEY AUGMON

GUARD
NEVADA-LAS VEGAS

ALONZO MOURNING

CENTER
GEORGETOWN
TODD DAY
: GUARD
ES sa, u 3 co Ae ARKANSAS
m < O £ lox -
- E = re = D^ : i 5 =

3 x PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD ızu1
SPECIAL THANKS TO SHERATON WÜRLD-RESORT AND UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, ORLANDO, FLORIOA

138

THE PLAYBOY
ALL-AMERICAS

STEVE SMITH—Guard, 6'6", senior, Michigan State. Led Spartans in
scoring (20.2 points per game) and rebounding (7 rebounds per game).
TODD DAY—Guard, 6'8", junior, Arkansas. Averaged 19.5 points per
game. Had 71 three-pointers ond 82 steals last seasan.

STACEY AUGMON—Guard, 6'8", senior, Nevada-Los Vegos. Had .553
shooting percentage last season. Averaged 14.2 points and 6.9 rebounds
per game. Had 143 assists.

KENNY ANDERSON—Guard, 6'2", sophomore, Georgia Tech. Nation's
top freshman player last season. Averaged 20.6 points, 8.1 assists, 5.5
rebounds per game.

BILLY OWENS—Forward, 6'9", junior, Syracuse. Averaged 18.2 points
and 8.4 rebounds. Starred in Goodwill Games.

DON MACLEAN—Forward, 6'10", junior, UCLA. Third best sophomore
scorer in UCLA history {behind Jabbar and Walton). Averaged 19.9
points, 8.7 rebounds per game.

ALONZO MOURNING—Forward, 6'10”, junior, Georgetown. Two-time
Playboy All-America and Big East Co-Defensive Player of the Year. Aver-
aged 16.5 paints and 8.5 rebounds per game.

LARRY JOHNSON—Forward, 6'7", senior, Nevada-Las Vegas. Big West
Conference Player of the Year. Averaged 20.6 points and 11.4 rebounds
per game.

SHAQUILLE O^NEAL—Center, 7'1”, sophomore, Louisiana State. Aver-
oged 13.9 points and 12 rebounds per game in freshman season.
DIKEMBE MUTOMBO—Center, 7'2", senior, Georgetown. Field-gool
percentage of .709 last year. Big East Co-Defensive Player of the Year,
along with teammate Mourning. Had 128 blocked shots last season.
JUD HEATHCOTE—Playboy's Coach of the Year, Michigan State. Heoth-
cote has 242-170 record in 14 years as head coach of the Spartans, in-
cluding a national championship in 1978-1979.

REST OF THE BEST

GUARDS: Terrell Brandon (Oregon), John Crotty (Virginio), Alphonso
Ford (Mississippi Volley State), Litterial Green (Georgia), Allan Houston
(Tennessee), Kevin Lynch (Minnesota), Mark Macon (Temple), Lee Moyber-
ry (Arkansas), Doug Overton (La Salle), Elliot Perry (Memphis State), Chris
Smith (Connecticut), Henry Williams (North Corolina-Charlotte), Walt
Williams (Maryland), Joey Wright (Texas).

FORWARDS: Victor Alexander (lowa State), Eric Anderson, Calbert
Cheaney (Indiana), Anthony Dade (Louisiana Tech), Dale Davis (Clem-
son), LaPhonso Ellis (Notre Dame), Rick Fox (North Carolina), Brian Hen-
drick (California), Keith Hughes (Rutgers), Jim Jackson (Ohio State),
Ronald “Popeye” Jones (Murray State), Chris King (Wake Forest), Mark
Randall (Kansas), Malik Sealy (St. John’s), Brion Shorter (Pittsburgh),
Doug Smith (Missouri), Bryant Stith (Virginia), Clarence Weatherspoon
(Southern Mississippi).

CENTERS: Chod Gallagher (Creighton), Chris Gatling (Old Dominion),
Donald Hodge (Temple), Adam Keefe (Stanford), Rich King (Nebraska),
Christian Laettner (Duke), Luc Longley (New Mexico), Oliver Miller
(Arkansas), Sean Rooks (Arizona), Shaun Vandiver (Colorado), Robert
Werdann (St. John's).

Michigan State's Jud Heathcote, unable to
attend the Basketball All-America Week-
end, accepted his Playboy 1991 Coach of
the Year Award in Eost Lansing, Michigan.

will contribute immediately.

Georgia Tech, the other A.C.C. team
to reach last season's Final Four, will
lack two thirds of Lethal Weapon 3,
Dennis Scott and Brian Oliver, both
lost to the N.B.A. But Playboy All-
America guard Kenny Anderson, a
superstar looking for a nickname, de-
cided to stick around for at least one
more year, giving coach Bobby
Cremins dreams ofanother Final Four.
Without Scott, who never met a three-
point shot he didn't like, Tech will be
more inside oriented. Matt Geiger, a
seven-foot transfer from Auburn, and
6'10" Ivano Newbill will join 610" Mal-
colm Mackey under the boards. If An-
derson stays around until these guys
develop, they could make Cremins’
dream come true.

North Carolina's Dean Smith would
like to have Coach K.'s Final Four
problem. The Tar Heels haven't made
the quartet since 1982, when Michael
Jordan was still considered an ordi-
nary human. Smith, in his 30th year of
coaching, calls last season's team good
but inconsistent. This year, he'll rely on
three returning seniors, Rick Fox (16.9
p-p-g). 6'10" Pete Chilcutt and point
guard King Rice, to provide stability
while younger players develop. Seven-
foot Eric Montross is the Tar Heels"
most heralded recruit since J. R. Reid.

New Virginia coach Jeff jones won't
agonize over selecting his starting five,
since all return from last year. The 30-
year-old Jones, who played for the
Cavaliers only eight years ago, re-
placed Terry Holland, who became
athletic director at Davidson College.
Forward Bryant Stith (20.8 p.p.g.) and
guard John Crotty (16 p.p) are
Jones's two best players.

Jim Valvano, North Carolina State's
version of (continued on page 212)

140

PLAYBOY S CARS FOR 1991

UROPEAN AND JAPANESE manufacturers will

continue to be locked in a no-holds-

barred sales battle in 1991, and they're

going to offer performance at every
price level. But don't count American makes out yet. Last
year, Buick outscored every other U.S. marque in the re-
spected J. D. Powers car-quality survey. Lincoln seriously
challenged Cadillac for the domestic-luxury crown. Ford
purchased Jaguar, and tiat means che big cat is sure to ex-
tend its claws even further into the luxury-car market.
Chrysler brilliantly redesigned its line of hot-selling mini-
vans, introduced the powerful Jeep Renegade and the
Dodge Stealth, a sleek, sexy machine at a remarkably af-
fordable price—about $30,000. With more than 50 com-
peting makes and 500 overlapping models to choose from,
Playboy has once again assembled a panel of six automotive
experts (their bios and photos are on page 195) to evaluate
1991 cars in a variety of categories. And we've introduced
a new feature to cur annual roundup: Playboy's Car of the
Year award. The winner, Acura's revolutionary all-alu-
minum two-seater, the $60,000 NSX, is pictured overleaf.
Panelists, start your opinions. Hottest Sports GT Under
$20,000: Last year's winner in this category, the spunky,
supercharged Volkswagen Corrado, once more leads the
pack. "The Corrado has that slight element of difference
that can only come from being conceived in a vacuum
like Wolfsburg," said Len Frank. "I like the harsh sus-
pension and the tight—for (continued on page 195)

HLUSTRATION BY DAVE CALVER

CALL OF THE
OPEN ROAD

five top automotive
journalists join

race-car driver

lyn st. james to pick

this year's hottest
wheels; plus our choice
for a new award—
playboy's car of the year

article

By KEN GROSS

our choice for the
most outstanding
automobile of 1991:

the acura nsx

THIS MONTH, we debut an annual feature: the Playboy Car of the Year award. The bronze statuette (pictured above left) will be giv-
ento the automobile company thot we feel has created a truly exceptional vehicle for the coming model year. Our choice for 1991
is the Acura NSX. With a body design inspired by the aggressive F-16 Falcon fighter jet, the two-seater, mid-engine NSX is the
world's first all-aluminum production car. Underneath its lightweight aerodynamic skin is a powerful four-cam 270-hp V6 engine
that delivers a top speed over 165 miles per hour, along with 0-to-60 times under six secands. And, yes, the NSX' interior is as

PLAYBOY'S
CAR OF
THE YEAR

comfortable as the exterior is sleek. Furthermore, there's trunk space for a pair of golf bogs or enough geor for a long weekend
getaway for two. Playboy's Automotive Editor, Ken Gross, called the NSX “the best-handling sports car I've ever driven —and that
includes all those badges from Italy with names ending in 1.” In a market where there's no such thing as sticker shock when you're
shopping for exotic wheels, the NSX’ $60,000 price for a five-speed model (564,000 for the outomatic-transmission version] is
Practicolly a steal. Congrotulotions to the Acura Division of American Honda for a world-class machine second lo none.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI.

NN AZ

FROM HEAVEN

SHE'S INSECURE AND LETHARGIC—SHE’S ALMOST DYSPEPTIC. SO HOW DID PENNY

MARSHALL BECOME THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WOMAN DIRECTOR IN HOLLY WOOD?

ALOSTSOUL, a newly divorced soul, turns up
on her big brother's doorstep in Holly-
wood in the spring of 1967. She doesn't
know what she wants to do with her life,
doesn’t think she's pretty enough to be an actress, doesn't
feel she's smart enough to be much else. A decade later,
she's a television star of the first magnitude, the Laverne of
Laverne & Shirley. A decade after that, she forges a bright
new career by directing the hit comedy Pig; then she directs
the upcoming movie Auakenings, which is based on an eru-
dite book by the neurologist Oliver Sacks.

And does all this success and acclaim turbocharge her
cgo? Docs it convince her that she's hot stuff? Not quite.
Penny Marshall has been putting herself down too long to
quit cold turkey. She still shrugs her self-deprecating shrug,
süll whines her self-doubting whine. Nevertheless, she has
started sifting through evidence that she may actually be
good at her new career. Audiences loved the way Big tran-
scended a gimmicky premise with honesty, humanity and
wit. They loved it so much that they made Marshall the first
woman director in Hollywood history to break the
$100,000,000 mark in gross receipts. That is not to say that
she has embraced her new success with a whole heart. She
has retained, with a sometimes palpitating heart, what

PLAYBOY P

Anton Furst, her production designer on
Awakenings, calls the “wonderful insecurity
of a truly creative person."

The time is early 1990, on the 81st day of an unusually
long and intense 83-day shooting schedule. The location is
an old psychiatric hospital in Brooklyn. Marshall is bone-
weary, like everyone else, but alert. Speaking the local lan-
guage like the native she is, the former Penny Marscharelli
of the Bronx turns to an assistant and asks, "Couldja get me
some maw cigarettes? And maybe a Yoo-Hoo. Health nut
that I am."

Awakenings is the story of a man named Leonard Lowe,
played by Robert De Niro, who has spent 30 years in a cata-
tonic state, and a neurologist, played by Robin Williams,
who, in the late Sixties, brings him almost miraculously back
to life. The miracle is worked with L-dopa, a drug of im-
mense, unpredictable power. At first, Leonard seems to
have emerged from the long sleep with his intelligence and
personality intact; soon, the drug that awakened him threat-
ens the very core of his being.

In the scene being shot this morning, Williams tries
to interpret some of his patients’ drawings. Williams and
Marshall have been friends since (continued on page 162)

By JOE MORGENSTERN

ILLUSTRATION EY DAVID LEMNE

==,

ji cx

REVIEW

| E

a roundup off the past delightful dogen

WHO SHOULD BE

PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR?

NOW is THE TIME for all good men
to come to the aid of their
Playmates. In past ycars, readers
have helped us choose the
Playmate of the Year—who
reigns for a year as the most
beautiful woman on earth and
gets a fast car and $100,000, to
boot—by taking part in a nation-
wide telephone referendum.
Now you get to do that and
more. In addition to putting in
your 200 cents’ worth (calls cost
two dollars per minute; regular
long-distance rates apply in the
U.S. Virgin Islands and Puerto
Rico), your call to the 1991
Playmate of the Year hotline will
open a world of Playmate possi-
bilities. Don't turn to the pictures
yet, because this is news—this
year, as in the past, callers can go
on record by nominating their

Playmate of the Yeor 1990 Reneé Tenison
appreciated every coller who loved her a
year ago. Her successor for 1991 moy be
waiting for you by the phone right now.

HELP US CHOOSE!

choices for P.M.O.Y., but they
can also hear messages from
their favorites and leave mes-
sages for the ladies. Playmates
will answer some calls personally
(if it happens to you, remember
your manners—its fine to ask
her out, just don't pant). You
can play Playmate trivia games
and win prizes, including a trip
to the Playmate of the Year party
at Playboy Mansion West. In the
unlikely event that you don't yet
have a favorite Playmate of 1990,
we present a refresher course to
help you make up your mind.
Our Playmate Review features
12 of the world's irreplaceable
resources, so take your time de-
ciding. Phone lines are open
The number is 1-900-420-3900.
Pick a favorite. She just may win.

CALL THE PLAYMATE HOTLINE, 1-900-420-3900

Many callers will speak with their favorite Playmates
personally—and tell their buddies about it for
weeks— but that's not all. Drum roll, please. This year,
through the miracle of AT&T technology, one lucky

entrant will be selected at random to join our
Playmate of the Year at Playboy Mansion West, in
April, at a party honoring her. Whether you win or
lose, the Playmates thank you for your support

MISS DECEMBER—12 MISS FEBRUARY—02 MISS MARCH—03
x - =

y? EEN

>
~ N
MISS APRIL—04

Ye
N Ss
Uy, TONS

y Hu Y e
MISS SEPTEMBER—09 MISS OCTOBER—10 MISS JULY—07 MISS JUNE—06

Miss June
BONNIE MARINO

Centerfold stardom hasn't
changed the quiet home
life that Bonnie (left)

leads in Stockton,
California. After charming
the press and wowing the
masses during a summer
storm of public appear-
ances, Miss June returned
to herjob as a medical as-
sistant and her role as wife
of the West's luckiest con-
struction worker,

Miss September
KERRI KENDALL

Kerri (right) used her
Playmate pay check
wisely. “I had my wisdom
teeth removed,” reports
the sultry San Diegan. She
also bought a sensible car,
a 1990 Toyota Corolla.
“My first car—when I
drove it off the lot, I got
chills.” Money matters lit-
tle to Kerri, who values
something more vital:
“Tve had fun,” she says.

Miss February
PAMELA ANDERSON

Pamela (left) jump-started
her acting career by grac-
ing our centerfold. Since
then, she has been seen on
TV's Charles in Charge
and Married . . . with
Children; her movie debut
isin a new film starring
Wiseguy's Ken Wahl.
“These are the things I al-
ways hoped for,” says
Canada's Valentine deliv-
ery to the U.S. male.

Miss July
JACQUELINE SHEEN

When we caught up with
her, Jacqueline (right)
was house hunting in
Malibu—from the driver's
scat uf her BMW. “I kuew
Playboy was going to
change my life," she re-
ported via car phone.
Since posing for us,
Jacqueline has visited
France, Mexico and
Japan, planned a safari
and become engaged.

Miss May
TINA BOCKRATH

“People really read
Playboy. They don't just
look,” says Texan Tina
(left). Want proof? On
her Playmate Data Sheet,
Tina wrote of her wish to
see Egypt; a travel firm
soon offered a free trip.
Tina hasn't gone yet—
she's busy signing auto-
graphs all over the U.S.
and delivering news on
Playboy at Night.

Miss January
PEGGY MCINTAGGART

Peggy (left) is talented—
catch her in the new film
Millennium Countdown—
and funny. When actor
Gary Busey introduced his
handsome son Jake, who's
younger than the 29-year-
old Peggy, she asked
Gary, “Want a baby sit-
ter?” Jake and Peggy are
now a hot item—anyone
who comes near Peggy
naturally heats up.

Miss April
LISA MATTHEWS

Where has Lisa (right)
been? “Illinois, New
Jersey, Michigan,
Tennessee, Las Vegas,
Hawaii, Italy.” Whom
does she play in the movie
Hudson Hawk? “Pretty
girl in the car.” Is there
more to life than film ve-
hicles? “I want to be a col-
lege professor, but by the
time I get out of school,
TII be forty!” she says.

MEQ NE)

M S

Miss March
DEBORAH DRIGGS

When Oprah Winfrey's
TV show tackled the topic
of “Mail-in Seduction,”
special guest Deborah
(top left) represented
both sides. Deborah now
stars on Playboy at Nights
music-video show
Playboy's Hot Rocks, se-
ducing the camera in
videos. She also studies
acting. ^I know I can play
sexy, but I want to act."

Miss November i
EZ
LORRAINE OLIVIA O

Lorraine (right) was
cheering her team at an
arena football game when
Playboy spotted her. "I le
never dreamed of being a y
Playmate," she says, “but || G le
opportunity knocked.” i $
Playmatehood hasn't | [~ as
changed the Chicago!
Bruisers’ loveliest fan: “I
still want to be a third-
grade teacher. That was

my favorite grade.” TE

Miss August
MELISSA EVRIDGE

“I was nervous at first,”
says Melissa of her
Playmate photo session,
“but I got over it.” Before
long, Miss August, a jun-
jor at the University of 1
Kentucky, was enjoying

her sudden celebrity.

“Yesterday, the mailman

brought me this big bag of

fan mail,” she says with a

grin. “Ir was so heavy I I
could barely lift it."

Miss October
BRITTANY YORK

The philosophy of
London-born, Hong
Kong-raised Brittany
(left) is simple: *Let's go!"
Not long ago. she went
bungee jumping in
California. Bungecing the
normal way, from a
bridge, would be scary
enough for most of us;
Brittany jumped from a
hot-air balloon. “I love
challenges,” she says.

Miss December

MORGAN FOX

Morgan (right) is the best
ad her Vancouver health
club will ever have. She'll
also appear in a rodeo
scene in a new cable se-
ries, The Adventures of the
Black Stallion, and plays a
go-go dancer in the up-
coming film K2. Morgan
occasionally sits in as a

ice of the Vancouver ra-
dio station CFOX; sadly,
those fans can’t see her.

KLIBAN

goodbye to our dear friend hap. .
long live his ingenious cartoon art

HA? KLIBAN, who died this past summer, was known to most people as the cartoonist who became a one-man industry by
drawing striped cats. Naturally, most people thought he loved cats, and he did love his own cat, Cow. What he hated were
letters from car lovers telling him "something really funny" that their cat had done. He hated cute cat letters and he hated
lawyers. Way more than car mechanics, agents, art schools, the East Coast, snow, bamboo musical instruments, ancient ru-
ins and anyplace with pine trees. He also hated almost every restaurant he ever entered, but when he found one he liked,
he stayed. He loved Big Sur, Hawaii, the sun, the beach, chess, books and guns. Yes, guns. He loved to shoot mud, not de-
coys. He liked the way it splattered. He also loved sleeping late, hanging out with his wife and friends, painting water colors
and drawing cartoons. He sold his first cartoon to Playboy for $35 when he was justa beatnik with a drawing board. Cartoon
Editor Michelle Urry was leafing through his notebooks, came across his cat sketches and persuaded him to do a book. At
present, four books of his cartoons are in print. Explaining his work is like trying to answer the Japanese journalist who
asked, "Explain to me, strange humor." What can you say about "Turkish Vibrating Soup" or "Better Living Through Ply-
wood”—Kliban captions? The cartoons on these pages all appeared in Playboy and give some taste of his work. But just a
taste. Hap had a vision beyond imagining. He did better than march to a different drum, he walked to it. | —DoN NovELLO

"How do you spell Martian?" "Christianity? I thought you said to teach
them choreography!”

"Room service? This is 407. We'd like orange juice,
coffee, toast and honey . . . lots and lots of honey!”

“I know! Let's wreak vengeance on the
forces of evil!”

“It's not easy, Martha, being married to a
nymphomaniac!”

160

"You know, Ed, we really should walk to work
more often!"

"Please don't stop! I love a good tune on
the kazoo!”

“All I sell is cheeseburgers, but I sell a lot of cheeseburgers.”

161

PLAYBOY

162

PENNY FROM HEAVEN

(continued from page 144)

“She plays the perfect urchin. They say, We better
do it, because Penny looks very unhappy."

the late Seventies, when they were
both working at Paramount—he as the
extraterrestrial Mork of Mork & Mindy,
she as the earthy Laverne. During the
long, tedious setup for the scene,
Williams points to one of several draw-
ings tacked up on an office wall, a geo-
metric design that has been angrily
scratched out, and says, in a Freudian
accent, “Is that the Manson boy? The
one who hates tests? Or is that the
Hinckley boy?" Marshall registers
the stand-up turn appreciatively but
doesn’t compete; she stands off on the
side lines in a sweat shirt, blue jeans
and sneakers, slightly stooped’ and
smoking like a Romanian factory.

That afternoon, she rehearses a deli-
cate scene involving a movie within the
movie. Williams and his nurse, played
by Julie Kavner, watch a 16-millimeter
interview in which De Niro, wrench-
ingly plain and vulnerable in a
wheelchair, recalls his awakening: “It
was like a dream at first. .. .” Then, aft-
er viewing the film, the doctor ponders
the wisdom of what he has done. But
the ancient Bell & Howell projector
breaks down, and tedium reigns anew.
While a couple of electricians perform
emergency repairs, Marshall smokes
some more, chews some gum, then
pops a few vitamin pills with a Yoo-
Hoo chaser.

‘Twenty minutes later, the projector,
cast and crew are back in action. Mar-
shall's main concern seems to be letting
the scene breathe; she wants to give
Williams whatever time he needs to
find the essence of the drama while
playing it.

She calls “Action!” The take runs ex-
tremely long and goes extremely well.
"Cur" she calls gratefully.

“Done!” Williams declares trium-
phantly. “Only twenty more scenes in
two days! A million takes served!”

Later, Williams talks of Marshall's
style as a director. “She just lets it hap-
pen in some ways. She sets the envi-
ronment, talks it through with a kind
of primal instinct about what works in
a scene and what doesn’t. I think her
instincts are dead-on powerful.” And
what of her verbal style—the pitiful
whimper, the patented whine? Here he
leaps back into manic action, doing
three or four characters in the same
bit, including an impassioned alter ego
whose voice explodes in staccato bursts
and dyspeptic Marshall, whose voice—
limps—along—haltingly.

“She's a brilliant woman, but maybe
you don't want to scare people, because
some people can be afraid of a brilliant
woman. One way it's ‘Wait a minute!
Watch out! There's a brilliant woman here!”
Her way it's "Well—all—right—let's—
Heer uo
“Its a great smoke screen! Great
camouflage! That way she gets things done
and you don't even know they've been
done! Like, ‘So—it’s—done—and—
its —a—nice—picture—about—two—
friends. ..."

“And what about all these deep psycho-
logical insights?"

""They're—there. .. ."

""And what about the incredibly detailed
background of a unique chapter in the an-
nals of modern medicine

""That's—there—too.'"

It’s hard to tell what any director ac-
tually does from watching him or her
on the set. In the fragmented process
of making feature films, the director's
most meaningful contributions are
usually made before production starts,
in casting and working with writers;
then again before shooting each new
scene, in private discussions and re-
hearsals; and after production ends,
during editing. In Marshall's case, it's
extremely hard to tell, because she re-
sists, at least at first, discussing her
craft (Q: "Why are you directing?" A:
“Nobody's asked me to act”) and be-
cause her working method cn the set is
so collegial: Ask this one, So whaddya
think?, ask that one, So whaddya
think?, then shoot the scene every
which way.

She admits to taking pleasure from
the success of Big—“I really do like it
that my stuff is entertaining”—but
quickly adds, lest that make her sound
like a boastful auteur, “What I deal with
when I'm directing is just ordinary
stuff like, ‘Go from here to there and
and then that while you're do-

Penny's brother, Garry, who directed
the enormously successful Pretty Wom-
an, talks of a similarity in their ap-
proach. "Some directors work with
fear, others with intellect and analyza-
tion. Begging is our approach. We beg,
and it works for us. It’s not manipula-
tive or anything, it's just, "Please, I've
got a headache, I want to go home, Pm
tired, just say the words, come on,
don't make me crazy here.’ And they
sometimes rally They rally for her

even more than for me, because she
plays the perfect urchin. They say, "We
better do it, because Penny looks like
she's very unhappy."

Yet there are gaps in Garry's set
piece on his sister. When Penny directs
De Niro, an actor of formidable talent
and vast experience, she tells him firm-
ly, before one scene, "You can't do it
without your head, you know. You
can't do it if you don't focus." That
doesn't sound like begging. When An-
ton Furst, the production designer
(who won an Oscar for his stunning
work on Batman), speaks of Penny's dı-
rection of Awakenings, he describes an
artist who “works on a very large
palette of the human condition; she
models and remodels, takes advantage
of any malleable situation” That
doesn't sound like much of an urchin.
Under cover of the beggar and the
urchin, beneath the camouflage of the
lovable kvetch, Marshall has been going
through her own dramatic awakening
to her gifts.

.
She was born in 1943, the younger
daughter of Tony Marscharelli, an ad-
vertising man and an industrial film
maker, and his wife, Marjorie, who ran
a tap-dancing school and was an eccen-
tric of epic proportions. The block she
grew up on in the Bronx—Grand Con-
course and Mosholu Parkway—was a
cradle of celebrities to come (including
Neil Simon, Paddy Chayefsky, Robert
Klein, Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren)
but chez Marscharelli—last house on
the Concourse on the left—was less of
a cradle than a crucible, with her
mother as keeper of a high flame.

"She was a funny lady," Penny says.
"She was way ahead of her time. She
was the only mother who wore slacks,
the only mother who worked, and she
had this sort of Harpo Marx style of
humor. We all got our sense of humor
from her" Yet that humor had a sar-
castic edge that could cut deeply. "I
mean, when it wasn't pointed at you, it
was very funny but, in retrospect,
when it was comin' at you, it was hurt-
ful"

Very hurtful?

"Yeah, I'd say that. Very."

Life with Mother was many things,
but it was never dull. "She talked so
fast it was almost like she was on speed.
She did take Anacin most of her life,
because all the noise from sixty kids
tap dancing all day gave her head-
aches, but she was just like on speed,
and the only way us kids could get to
talk was if we sort of talked under
her—at—a—slower— pace."

Marjorie Marscharelli had what she
Called a suicide jar, in which she depos-
ited one pill from every prescription

(continued on page 170)

Ske

how to get the ball rolling on your holiday bash

Send out invitations. Do it any earlier
and you'll look desperate. Do it any lat-
er and come midnight on the 31st,
you'll be drinking alone.

December?

Hire a bartender. The going hourly
rate in Manhattan on New Year's Eve
doubles to about $40. When booking,
be sure to ask about minimum hours.

December}

Order champagne. Caterers estimate a
bottle per person when it comes to the
bubbly. It's also a good time to order

164 Caviar if you plan to have it delivered.

í Deeembeo9

Decombeus

Have tuxedo pressed. Renters, be warned:

By the 20th, what's left will be size 48
jackets and tux shirts with lavender
ruffles. Fashion note: As an alter-
native to the traditional black-
tie ensemble, check out
the latest winter-weight
white tuxedos or rich
brocade dinner jack-
ets that can be worn
tieless with a formal dou-
ble-banded shirt and vest.

Decembar

Decide what to cook and
what to buy from a catering
service. Also reserve dinner-
ware and silverware with a
rental company.

Order liquor and arrange to
have it delivered. For a party of
25, figure two fifths of vodka,
two fifths of Scotch and one
fifth each of gin, bourbon and
light rum—plus whatever liq-
uors you know the gang likes to
drink. Ako three or four six-
packs of premium beer and
plenty of club soda, tonic and
soft drinks.

Deeember 14

Time to update your music li-
brary. Check out our “Style”
page in Afler Hours for ideas.
Don't forget Auld Lang Syne. Al-
so buy noisemakers, streamers,
confetti and aspirin.

December 17

Plead with cleaning lady to come Sun-
day the 30th. You did remember her
Christmas bonus, didn't you?

Deeembee 18

Count R.S.V.Ps. Add in all the people
spontaneously invited. Add in all the
people you forgot to invite. Add in
friends of friends who'll get brought
along. And add in all your procrasti-
nating friends who will R.S.V.P. late.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEPHEN TURK

Decembrz4

Wish neighbors season's grectings.
Casually mention that 25 friends will
be dropping over on New Year's Eve.
Noise? Make no promises.

December 26

Order oysters and shrimps. Make sure
you ask for the former shucked and on
the half shell and the latter cooked,
peeled and chilled.

Decemburr

If you haven't ordered caviar by air ex-
press, now's the time to go shopping.
Storage tip: Keep it cold but not frozen.

December 2s

Take off from work ear-
ly Shop for remaining
food. Check liquor supply
again. Call the employ-
ment agency or catering
service to double-check the
time your bartender will
be arriving for the evening.

Decembeed0

Rearrange furniture. Lock
up expensive wines, well-
aged single malts, rare
liqueurs and any other liq-
uid assets you don't want
consumed. Buy ice cream,
sauces and plenty of top-
pings. Resist the tempta-
tion to sample each flavor.

Decembeudt

Buy Danish for the follow-
ing morning and hide two
clean coffee cups. Buy
plenty of ice. Pick up oys-
ters, shrimps, crudités,
dressings and other last-
minute fixings. Set table
and spread out food. (If
you plan to offer a New

Year's toast, now's the time to give it
some consideration—not 30 seconds
before midnight, when the crowd is
chanting the seconds away.) Pop a
cork. Pour yourself some champagne,
get dressed and let the party begin.

Move out.

165

She

an eat-drink-and-be-merry
guide to an elegant
year-end gala

modem living
By Karen MacNeil

ew vers eve, the biggest party night

of the year, offers numerous opportu-

nities for celebration. You can catch the

midnight mob scene and surround yourself with

strangers in silly hats tooting horns in your face; or

you can skip the impersonal mayhem and host your
own year-end gala.

We're not talking about cocktail wienies, cole slaw
and Cold Duck. Your New Year's Eve party will be
one that auld acquaintances won't forget. And, yes,
you'll be a guest at your own party. Our countdown
calendar on the previous pages outlines a day-by-
day strategy for the month of December. Follow it
and you won't find yourself with four hours to spare,
still attempting to rent extra wine goblets while the
champagne is getting warm.

Year-end blowouts come in all sizes, but when a
bash becomes bedlam, what's the point? That's why
20 to 25 revelers seems to be a manageable number.
A group that size is large enough to encourage min-
gling but small enough to preserve intimacy. What's
more, you won't have to continuously circulate from
group to group to ensure thar the level of frivolity
stays at Mach one.

On New Year's Eve, black tie is traditionally the
stylish way to step out (or, in your case, stay home),
but because your party will be an open-end buffet,
with guests who may have other commitments drop-
ping by and possibly moving on, you may wish to
make black tie optional.

Since you've hired a bartender early in December
(as we suggest in our countdown), he or she will mix
the drinks with flair and keep the champagne well
iced and flowing into the wee hours of the morning,
so you don't have to lift a (continued on page 188)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMESIMEROGNO

167

. Happy Mew Yea

> ý cU

* id

MEN'S FURNISHINGS FROM STUART, CHICAGO

PLAYROY

170

PENNY FROM HEAVEN

(continued from page 162)

“Penny didn't have a position, which is why she kind.
of took Rebel. She should’ve taken Bright."

written for her over the years, because
she was afraid of being an invalid like
her mother, who became blind and lived
with them for most of Penny's child-
hood. The most bitter pill was that she
contracted Alzheimer's disease four
years before she died in 1985. "The last
two years of her life," Penny says, "she
was just sort of lying there, she wasn't
anything. But the women in the family
have very strong hearts. They last a long
time. They simply go slightly mad, 1 be-
lieve. My grandmother was ninety-two

E
a
Al
Y
Jue
Bi

when she died, and sort of insane.”

Penny's older sister, Ronny Hallin,
who produces the television series The
Hogan Family, remembers Penny as "a lit-
tle devil kind of a kid, always getting in-
to trouble. She was a real good athlete, a
tomboy. She rode a two-wheeler really
young, and fast, always very fast, zip zip
zip. testing people all the time. If some-
one told her, ‘Don’t go in the gutter,’
she'd go in the gutter."

Testing people meant testing herself,
as she tried to find a tenable position in

“I liked it better when it was just ‘Bah, humbug!”

the family. Ronny was the pretty and
sweet one, a delightful child whom ev-
eryone loved, while Garry was the sick
and hurt one. "T filled the slot of the
sickly child to get attention,” he says. “I
was so sick nobody else had a chance to
be sick in my family So Penny didn't
have a position, which is why she kind of
took Rebel. She should've taken Bright,
but she didn’t.”

She didn't take it because she didn't
believe it. Garry was the big brother with
the photographic memory, and Ronny
was the big sister who skipped a year
and a half in school, so Penny became
the rebel who liked to have a good time.
When Garry got out of high school, he
went to the college of his choice, North-
western, in Chicago; Ronny earned a de-
gree there, too. When Penny went off to
college, she went to the college of her
mother's choice, the University of New
Mexico, in Albuquerque, because it was
closer to New York.

Closer? New Mexico?

“Uh-huh,” she explains. “My mother
thought it was closer than Ohio. Because
New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire,
New Mexico—she figured all the News
were together. I wanted to go to Ohio
State because there was a guy there, but
my mother said New Mexico. It didn't
matter. I just wanted to get away."

During her first two years, she studied
psychology, with minors in business and
anthropology. She also married a foot-
ball player named Michael Henry and
got pregnant. "He was on football schol-
arship, and one of us had to work, so 1
worked. A man was supposed to finish
college, a girl didn't have to. And I
wasn't really dedicated, anyway; 1 felt it
was no big sacrifice. I think I was just
killing time."

After the birth of her daughter, Tracy,
who is now 26 and an actress in her own
right, Marshall did secretarial work; she
typed 70 words a minute and knew her
way around a calculator Then she
taught dancing, because it paid better
and didn't require getting up early,
which she has never been great at. She
also got a chance to do some choreogra-
phy at the Albuquerque Light Opera
and to appear in a production of Okla-
homa! But her marriage came apart, and
she found herself alone, with a baby and
nothing on earth she really wanted to
do. By that time, her brother was a suc-
cessful writer on The Dick Van Dyke Show,
so Penny stuffed her worldly goods into
a suitcase and headed farther west, to
Los Angeles.

That marked the beginning of a long
Hollywood appendageship; first she was
known mainly as Garry's sister, then, aft-
er marrying Rob Reiner in 1971, as
Rob's wife (and Garry's sister). As Garry
tells it, this period began with the ca-
reer-counseling equivalent of C.PR.

“When she came out with her suitcase

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PLAYBOY

from college, she said, ‘I’m not finishing
school, so what should 1 do? 1 said, ‘I
don't know; what is it you want to do?
She didn’t know, and I was in my preoc-
cupied, busy mode, so I said, “Well, we
could have dinner and we could talk,
but we're already talking in circles here,
so go away. I said, ‘Look, I can't do any-
thing until you come and tell me that
there’s something you like. I give up on
something you love. You're not a person
who loves something at this point, but
you must tell me something you like or
I'm not talking to you anymore."

“So she went away, and then came
back two days later. ‘One time in Albu-
querque, I was in a show, Oklahoma! . . ."

“And I said, sounding like my mother,
“But you don't sing so good.’ Our moth-
er always told her she never sang very
well. She said, ‘No, that was the thing; I
was petrified, but I sang Ado Annie,
which is not so much singing as acting. I
did Ado Annie, and they laughed, and
they applauded, and 1 felt good."

“And 1 said, ‘That was it?

“That was it. When I felt good. That
was it."

"And I said, 'Actress"

Easier said than done. She couldn't
turn on the charm in interviews, because
she didn't feel pretty enough. She
couldn't get auditions, because she
wasn't perky enough. In what became a

painfully funny milestone in her life, she
finally did get hired for a shampoo com-
mercial, but as the girl with stringy hair;
the girl with beautiful hair was Farrah
Fawcett Worse yet, when they were
lighting the set, Fawcett's stand-in was
identified by a card hung around her
neck that read prerry cir, while the card
on Marshall's stand-in read HOMELY GIRL
(In one of those small but sincere ges-
tures that can change a life, Fawcett had
someone cross out HOMELY and put PLAIN;
they have been friends ever since.)

These days, Garry gives a lot of lec-
tures, His billing is Garry Marshall: di-
rector, producer and Penny's brother. In
those days, when he was coming on
strong as a writer-producer, he was his
sister's best hope for regular work, and
he did the brotherly thing, even though
it meant opening himself—and, more
hurtfully, her—to charges of nepotism.
As coproducer of the television series
The Odd Couple, Garry cast Penny, in
1971, as Jack Klugman's secretary.

It wasn't much of a part, and she
didn't do much with it. For three years
in a row, every member of the support-
ing cast except Penny got a $100-a-week
raise. But her other role, as Reiner's
wife, was richer for her, and for their
friends. She had met Reiner when she
was auditioning for the part of Gloria,
Archie Bunker’s daughter on All in the
Family, and he was auditioning for

Archie's Meathead son-in-law, Mike
Stivic. He got the part, they got each
other. They were the first of their circle
to marry, and to have a house, which be-
came the group's gathering spot, salon,
saloon and home away from home.

What a group it was—a budding tele-
vision aristocracy of talented, audacious
and insecure young people that includ-
ed writer-producer James L. Brooks,
who'd recently started The Mary Tjler
Moore Show, writer Jerry Belson and ac-
tors Albert Brooks, Paul Sills and Ted
Bessell. Jim Brooks remembers Penny
and Rob’s house, with great nostalgia, as
an emotional haven. "It was a house
where those of us passing through had
great anxiety; that was what we had in
Common."

Brooks also remembers Marshall as a
loving, endlessly caring friend. “This
was a time when all her strengths and all
her intelligence had no practical utiliza-
tion in the world. She was sort of a
housevife, and it was great for all of us
who knew her then, because all her mar-
velous talents were available for your
life. Any problems you had, you got this
great force of energy from her. I enjoyed
it while I had it, but I saw it slipping
away, because she had to go out and be a
whole person.”

.
Brooks helped her go out by giving
her a substantial part in a shortlived

TE
BENSON & HEDGES)
1005

INSON £ HEDGES
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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
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INTRODUC

series, Friends and Lovers. A year after
that came Laverne & Shirley, which was
created and produced by her brother
and coproduced by her father. From the
beginning of its phenomenal run in
1976, Laverne E? Shirley, a spin-off from
Garry's series Happy Days, was one of
those blue-collar sitcoms that only the
public loved. (In a capsule review drip-
ping vith condescension, Time magazine
derided the show's "sheer witlessness"
and said Penny had "chosen not to char-
acterize her role but to do an imitation
of the inimitable Judy Holliday.”)

Most of all, the public loved Penny's
Laverne De Fazio, one of the two young
women working in a Milwaukee brewery
in the late Fifües. Laverne was homely
but lovable, gloomy about being a virgin
but devilish in ways that Penny had been
developing since her girlhood.

Laverne & Shirley brought happy days
for her. Suddenly, Garry's sister and
Rob's wife was a star in her own right, a
heroine of working-class America, and
also a bright light on the Hollywood par-
ty circuit, when she wasn't too zonked
from the merciless shooting schedule.

"She was amazing," says Jack Winter,
who directed some of those episodes
and who has been friendly with Garry
and Penny for decades. "She used to cut
film in her head while she was acting.
When I directed, I'd go, ‘Oh, God, we've

got twelve new pages out of twenty-six
and they'll never learn it, they'll never
learn it!’ And Penny was out there, and
not only had she learned her lines and
was doing something new to get a laugh
but she was already going, 'OK, we've
got C camera on this, so we can cut that
and go to the close-up and then cut to
the master.’ She knew everything that
was going on: every line, every joke, ev-
ery cut.”

According to Penny, her virtuosity was
only an unconscious survival response.
“In television, especially in proscenium
three-camera television, you tend to
stage yourself. That's how I would mem-
orize my lines. My body would tell me
what lines I had. If I was here, I'd be
saying this, and going over there would
mean I'd be saying that. As long as it
made sense to me, I could act it.”

But it was more than mere survival.
There's a special kind of intelligence
that thrives on the complexities of TV-
sitcom production. (She is also a whiz at

jigsaw puzzles.) “Her thing,” says Win-

ter, "vas, ‘OK, Im in a corner; how do I
paint myself out?"

When someone once asked Mack Sen-
nett for the governing principle of his
comedy, he thought for a moment and
said, "One thing leads to another"
When Marshall played Laverne (she also
directed four episodes), she used to in-

sist, with a rigor that could drive writers
mad, on the need for the writing to
make sense.

"Sometimes they'd write these big
physical scenes and all these jokes, but
you couldn't get from here to there, be-
cause it was just not logical. There was
one scene like that where I had to make
a bed with a fat guy in it, asleep. I said,
"Let me just literally try to do it, and
then you'll see what'll come out. As long
as you approach it logically, you want to
take the first blanket off, pull the pillow
out, then get that bottom sheet out.
Now, that bottom sheet will lead to
something, and then you want to lift the
legs up. OK, you want the legs of the pa-
jamas to rip, but let me just do it in a log-
ical order instead of jumping around
from joke to joke.’ You've got to be true
to the premise.”

If life were a sitcom, Marshall's mari-
tal problems might have had solutions,
too. In the best of times, the relationship
was grounded in friendship; in the
worst, with his All zn the Family stint atan
end and her series running out of steam,
they became so distant that, afier ten
years, they decided to divorce. For Mar-
shall, who had never been a fighter, it
was the beginning of what she calls her
"door-mat years.” "You could walk all
over me and it was OK, ‘cause that's
what I thought of myself.” She revisited

Also available in MENTHOL and MENTHOL LIGHTS

ING NEW STERLING

PLAYBOY

174

the party scene, but it wasn't much fun.
She rented houses for a while, because
she didn't feel she deserved to own one.
When she finally did buy, it was only be-
cause her accountant had urged her to
do so for tax purposes. The sprawling
hillside house, which she still lives in,
would have been huge for a large family.
For a single woman, it seemed an un-
thinkable, unfillable void.

Yet she filled it—with friends who be-
came house guests, then boarders, and
who coalesced into a surrogate, if fluid,
family When friends came to stay at
Marshall's house, they came for stretch-
es of time that made The Man Who Came
to Dinner seem like a guy who had to eat
and run. Jim Belushi stayed for two
years. Joe Pesci stayed for three years
(moving in at the same time Marshall
was using his apartment in New York,
during her run in an off-Broadway
play). Marshall's daughter had one level
of the house as her own domain. Mar-
shall's niece asked if she could have a
room for a couple of months; she stayed
six years.

Part of the time, Marshall wasn't
home; there were relationships, in New
York as well as L.A., with actor David
Dukes and singer Art Garfunkel, among.
others, and a trip to Europe—her first—
after Laverne € Shirley ended. When she
was home, she insisted that her boarders
live by a few simple house rules: "Pay for
your own phone bills, and I don't want
your girlfriends sleeping over, because I
end up having to talk to them and I
don't want to, because I don't have any-

thing to say."

Marshall herself lived a strange, in-
creasingly isolated life. In part, that
grew out of her problems of finding pri-
vacy as a celebrity. But mostly, it was an
expression of her tastes and needs. "I'm
basically just someone who loves to stay
in bed," she says. "I'm very happy there.
I have clickers and cigarettes, and ma-
chines I don't know how to work. One
friend always says, Are you in The
Cave?' He calls it The Cave, because I
have blackout curtains."

Her friends have always understood.
They know her as a woman who doesn't
go out, so they come to her. They also
know her as a woman of extraordinary
energy and stamina, when she isn't wal-
lowing in lethargy, and a woman of ex-
traordinary competence, when she isn't
whining or playing helpless.

"That's the essential contradiction. of
Marshall's life: She's a can-do person
who often behaves as if she can't. The
pattern may have deepened during her
door-mat years, but it grew out of her
own family life. “If you play helpless,
people respond," her sister says. "My
brother does it, too. Garry goes, 'Am 1
cold? Am 1 hot?’ You have to tell him.
"Do 1 have my glasses?" Think for a
minute! you tell him. He says, ‘I have
these people to think for me, 1 can't be
bothered thinking about these things."
Penny saw that that worked, too."

In 1985, Marshall got a call from a
producer friend, Lawrence Cordon,
who had a desperate problem. His

“Don't worry, dear, I’ve already made a New Year's
resolution to stop doing this.”

movie, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, had just start-
ed shooting, but his star, Whoopi Gold-
berg, and his director, Howard Zieff,
were at each other's throats; Gordon
wanted to know if Marshall could take
over from Zieff right away.

From Gordon's perspective, the re-
quest made sense. The picture was a
comedy, or aspired to be; she had direct-
ed comedy, both on Laverne & Shirley
and in Working Stiffs, a TV pilot with Jim
Belushi and Michael Keaton. Most im-
portant, perhaps, she and Whoopi Gold-
berg knew each other socially and
seemed to get along. From Marshall's
perspective, the prospect of plunging in-
to someone else's movie after ten days of
shooting was fearsome. The script was
an amateurish, unpleasant mess, while
the production was awash in panic and
anger.

The shoot was rough, in more ways
than one. "It had shoot-em-up stuff,
and such cursing! I'd go, ‘No, no, just
put one “Asshole” or “Motherfucker”
there!’ I mean, this girl cursed through
the whole thing." But Marshall got
through it and emerged with a feature
film. Not a good film, or even a particu-
larly coherent one, but a completed film,
a releasable film, a generally acceptable
film. And that, given the grisly circum-
stances, constituted a promising debut
as a feature director.

Big was Marshall's project from the
start. One day, while she was still em-
broiled in Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Jim Brooks
came into her office at Twentieth Centu-
ry Fox, put a manila envelope with a
script in it on her desk and said, "This is
your next movie."

“Huh?” Marshall replied.

“This is the movie you're doing next."

A charming fable of a 12-year-old boy
who finds himself in a 35-year-old body,
Big is one of those seemingly effortless
movies in which a comic style is sus-
tained from beginning to end, and every
detail along the way rings true. Just how
far from effortless it actually was sug-
gests some of the pitfalls of making
movies, and of being a woman in what is
still a man’s profession.

Unlike the script for Jumpin’ Jack
Flash, the script for Big was appealing
from the start. When Marshall began
casting the lead, however, she got turn-
downs from such actors as Kevin Cost-
ner, Dennis Quaid and Tom Hanks.
(Hanks ended up playing the part bril-
liantly, of course, but he wasn't available
the first time around.) And the delays in-
volved in casting took their toll, for
three other movies with the same plot
premise—starring Dudley Moore, Judge
Reinhold and George Burns—were also
gearing up to go into production.

In an effort to move her project away
from these competitors, Marshall tried
to rethink the hero as an older man, or a
stronger man, someone who'd never be

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175

PLAYBOY

expected to dance on a piano. Her no-
tions roamed in the direction of Clint
Eastwood and Robert De Niro. When
De Niro read the script, he said yes.

By now, it's almost impossible to imag-
ine De Niro in the part. “It would've
been a whole different movie,” Marshall
admits, “a street kid versus establish-
ment. It would've been tougher. Not a
bad kid, but a street kid who left the
Bronx instead of the suburbs.” But De
Niro withdrew before shooting started—
“It had to do with studio-agent prob-
lems and deals,” Marshall says, “nothing
to do with Bobby and me, or else we
wouldn't have been working on Awaken-
ings"—and half a year later, in the sum-
mer of 1987, Tom Hanks, newly
available, claimed the role.

By the time Big was ready to start
shooting, however, its three competitors
were either on the way or in the can and
2 discouraged Marshall found herself
wondering, Why bother? Her brother
had a simple answer: "You're going to
do it better. Thar's your shot. You took
the job, you're obligated to try to do it
better; there's nothing else to say."

Penny took a lot of time and shot huge
amounts of film. For the actors, who un-
derstood what she was doing, her work-
ing method was an invitation to shine,
even if it drove them crazy now and
then. But some key members of
the crew neither understood how she
worked nor wanted to. "One time on the
set,” Garry says, "she literally cried on
my shoulder. "They don't like me,
they're pickin’ on me all the time.’ She
knew why. She knew it was because she
was a woman, and I said, "You're right,
and there's nothing to do about it. Let's
just find out who they are and have
them killed."

“I couldn't believe it,” says Jim
Brooks, who, with Robert Greenhut, was
the movie's coproducer. "I couldn't be-
lieve what was happening, because even
on Big, even in 1986, Marshall really
had to live with shit because she was a
woman.

“TIl give you an example. There's a
cut in the picture 1 just love, when Tom
Hanks and Elizabeth Perkins are bounc-
ing on the trampoline and you cut out-
side and see them from across the street.
It’s a beautiful cut that rewards you for
your intimate knowledge of the film; the
moment the shot goes outside, you have
a sense of being in on some secret. Yet
Marshall had to resist a crew who said it
was stupid, we've finished shooting the
scene, now why do you have to go out
there across the street? But she was com-
pelled to go across the street and get
that shot. She wasn't going to let them
go until that happened."

This illustrates another point, that the
same woman who can admit to not
knowing what works best—at least not
until she reviews her options in the edit-

176 ing room—has wonderful instincts, and

the tenacity to follow them. Like every
good movie, Big was the product of an
intricate collaboration: actors and tech-
nicians, writers and producers and di-
rector. But, like every good movie, it was
director.

y at work in
comic moments, such as the lovely bit
where Hanks, at a cocktail party, tries to
figure out what to do with an ear of baby
corn; in showstoppers, such as the one
with the giant piano, which starts tenta-
tively, then develops gradually, organi-
cally, into a jubilant dance; and, most of
all, in a succession of calm, sweetly
human scenes such as the one where
Hanks and Perkins undress to make
love, and he caresses her breasts with
such tenderness and wonderment that
we really believe he's seeing a grown
woman's breast for the first time. That's
an example of Marshall's insistence on
being true to the premise, and one rea-
son why Big, of all those movies with the
same plot, was the only hit.

Directing is not something Marshall
loves to do. She may never love it, given
the staggering detail, the stupefying te-
dium, the crushing fatigue and the
prodigious investment of time that each
feature film involves. She'd much rather
be home in bed, with the TV on and the
curtains drawn.

After Big, however, she found it hard
to keep daylight out of her life; every
studio courted her, every producer
sought her magic touch. “Since Big was a
high-concept movie, 1 got every high-
concept script going: A horse is your
next-door neighbor, a dog turns into I
don't know what Then the script for
Awakenings came across my desk. I had
no idea who sent it. It didn't come with a
cover letter. But when I'm not working,
I read everything myself, so I read this
and it was just a fascinating story."

No one can call Awakenings high con-
cept; there's little likelihood that three
or four other pictures will turn up with
the same plot premise of a posten-
cephalitis patient coming out of catato-
nia. Indeed, Awakenings would seem to
be a wildly improbable stretch for the
woman who directed Big, were it not for
the woman's love of logic and her habit
of hewing faithfully to a subjects
premise. “I've been so impressed by
Penny's seriousness as a researcher,"
says Oliver Sachs, the author of the orig-
inal book. "She's extremely bright, with
huge energy and enthusiasm. 1 think
that woman works harder than anyone
I've ever seen."

There are animal trainers, and there
are cats, but there is no such thing as a
trained cat. Marshall may not have real-
ized this before Auakenmgs; neither of
her previous films has any noticeable fe-
line content. Here she is, though, on the
next-to-last day of the Awakenings shoot-

ing schedule, waiting anxiously on the
set in Brooklyn while a handler tries to
persuade his insouciant tabby to stay put
in a garbage-strewn kitchen sink. (In the
scene, a character's elderly sister is
found dead in her apartment.)
portant to keep the cat in position,"
Marshall urges in a doom-struck voice.
“In the last take, its head was cut off so it
looked like a big fur ball."

This is the problem of directing in a
nutshell, or a fur ball. Awakenings is a
story of singular depth and mysterious
beauty. But before Marshall can get to
the beauty part, before she can put the
filming behind her and begin shaping
the human drama in the editing room,
she must solve the immediate problem
of the goddamned cat.

"Tell me when we're ready," she calls
to no one in particular, as she stands out-
side the narrow confines of the kitchen
set. She's keeping her distance because
she's allergic to cats. Already, in fact, she
is scratching her scalp with a vengeance.

“Still placing the cat,” the unseen han-
dler responds grimly.

Still placing the cat on this, the 82nd
of 83 shooting days during which
750,000 feet of film have been shot. Still
placing the cat on this, the morning aft-
er an intense night of shooting; most of
the crew is nearly comatose, too. Even-
tually, the cat is placed, and the scene is
shot again, with a Steadicam rig that the
camera operator wears like a robotic
suit. But just before the operator sashays
past the sink, the cat high-tails it onto
the floor and out of sight. The crew pre-
pares fora third take.

Maybe the scene was written as a se-
cret test of character. If so, Marshall
passes with flying colors, both as director
and as unit mother. “Did you get
enough sleep?” she asks a grip, putting
her arm around his shoulder. (He
didn't.) “Want your chair, hon?” she asks
her cinematographer. (He doesn't.)

And what of the cat?

The director checks her little TV
monitor, but the picture is too blurry to
make out. “Is the cat just hanging over
the sink?" she asks edgily. ""Cause it just
looks like a big lump on the monitor.
Like a big rat.”

No response. The cinematographer
goes to investigate. A moment later he
comes back, looking forlorn. “The cat,”
he announces to Penny, “is wrecking the
kitchen.”

“Oh, dear,” she replies, whining her
whine. "Oh, dear... .” Suddenly, her face
brightens; she has had a revelation.
"But, listen, it's OK! The cat can wreck
the kitchen!”

She's right, of course. The animal is
free to do whatever it wants, and so is
she. Soon the lights are relighted, the
cues are recued and the director gets the
shot that she's been itching for.

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178

E CHIUSO | continued from page 84)

“How nice it is here,’ he said. And what a dreamboat
you are.’ ‘Why do you lie?” she asked.”

"Considering," she said, "you're driv-
ing on an empty gas tank.”
.

Sirmione, even in early May, was full
of other tourists. “The kids are here,”
they said, continuing a joke that had de-
veloped in Venice and continued into
Ravenna, where every basilica and bap-
tistry seemed crammed, beneath the
palely shimmering Byzantine mosaics,
with packs of sight-sated, noisily inter-
acting school children. Even the vast pi-
azza of San Marco wasn't big enough to
hold the boisterous offspring of an ever

more mobile and prosperous Europe.
"The small fortress at Sirmione offered
views of the lake and, most fascinatingly,
of the process of laying roof tiles. Three
men labored gingerly on a roofed pitch
beneath the fort’s parapets. The oldest
stood on a dizzying scaffold and guided
onto his platform each wheelbarrowload
of tiles and cement hoisted by a crane in
the courtyard; the youngest slapped
mortar along the edge where roof met
parapet; the middle-aged man crouched
lovingly to the main task of seating each
row of tiles on gobs of mortar and tap-

“Let’s go home and get a few hours of sex before
the Rose Bowl starts.”

ping them, by eye, into regularity.
“Doesn't that seem,” Allenson asked his
wife, “a tedious way to make a roof?
What's wrong with good old American
asphalt shingles?”

“They're ugly,” Vivian said, "and
these roofs are beautiful.”

"Yeah, but acres of them, everywhere
you look. How much beauty do you
need? The cement must dry up and
then everything slip and slide and have
to be done all over.”

Catullus had summered here, a mon-
ument down by the dock informed
them, and a hydrofoil from Riva hove
splashily into view, and they ate two
toasted panini con salami at an outdoor
café. When Allenson closed his eyes and
lifted his face to the sun, he had a dizzy-
ing sensation of being on the old work-
man's scaffold, suspended at a killing
height, thousands of miles from home,
on a small blue planet, and soon to be
dead, as dead as Catullus, his conscious-
ness ceasing, his awareness of sun and of
shade, of the voices of the kids around
them. His brief life was quite pointless
and his companion no comfort. She was
a kid herself. He opened his eyes and
the tidily trashy, overused beauty of the
lakeside washed in, displacing his dread.

“What are you thinking?” Vivian
asked him, her voice on edge, as if they
were already back in the car.

“How nice it is here," he answered.
"And what a dreamboat you are."

"Why do you lie?" she asked.

He felt no need to answer. People lie
to spare each other.

They drove west to Desenzano, then
north to Saló and along a road that
twisted high above the lake. "Why do
you have to accelerate around the cor-
ners?" she asked

“There's a guy pushing me behind."

"Let him pass."

"There's no place to pass."

"Then let him go a little slower. He
can see you're not Italian.”

"How?"

"From the haircut. Why do you feel
you have to pretend you're an Italian
driver?"

“No comprendo," he said. "Sono Italiano.
Sono umo ragazzo In a lavatory in
Venice, he had studied a graffito that
read, HO FATTO LAMORE CON UN RAGAZZO
VENEZIANO ED È STATO BELLISIMO. “Con mia
cara,” he added. Con, with its coarse
meanings in other languages, turned
out to be an indispensable Italian word.
Cappuccino con latte. Acqua minerale con
gas. Panini con salami. The Fiat emitted a
tiny satisfying squeal of tires as Allenson
surged around a hairpin curve. His eyes
held in his rearview mirror the grilled
face of a tail-gating vehicle, switching
back and forth in the mirror like an ex-
asperated beast in a cage.

"I'm getting sick to my stomach,”
Vivian said.

“Stop looking at the map. Look out

the window. Enjoy the beauty you
Crazy about.

The most beautiful moment, for him,
had occurred in Venice, while they were
walking back to the hotel, up over a little

eso

bridge, past a place where the long black
collinlike gondolas waited in the canal
while their drivers gloomily played

cards. The dollar had become so weak
Americans were timid of gondola rides,
I the Allensons had contented them
selves with hearing, as they walked
around alter dinner, the astounding
male singing ofa gondolicr, as open and
plaintive as that of a woman but enor-
mous: It would swell from a distance
to an operatic moment only a few yards
way as the gondolas slid and tapped
t and then slowly would subside, still

pa
audible after the gondolas, with their

burden of swaddled passengers, had
vanished beiween the call angled house
fagades and the water in the canal had

gers were usually
the Allensons

gone still. The passe
Japanese. This evening,
crossed a little piazza and approached
the passageway to their hotel. a tall
Japanese girl cried out, “No! Wait!” The
bles of English, somehow like a
guage Allenson did not u
ied with a sweet anguish
d the and arrested all
motion but hers. Tall for her race, glim-
a white dress, the young wom-
an, her straight sleek hair utterly black
in the half-light—the stagy indoors-out-
doors atmosphere of Venice—raced
across the flat stones at the canal’s edge
while the gondoliers called to one anoth-

er like awakened birds. She lost
something. Vivian speculated at Allen-
son's side, and, indeed, the contralto cry
had been as of someone violated, Fatally

penetrated. Bur no, she wanted to giv
something t a mustachioed young gon
dolier who, to receive it, gallantly made
his way back across the narrow canal by
stepping on other gondolas. The wo of
them each reached out an arm to touch
hands, while ima swelled,
and in her strangely clectrilying, pas-
sion-hilled voice, the Japanese girl said,
in this language that belonged to neither

her nor him, “Your mon A dip.
Some ven turned into lire panese
Hooding the world with money. as once

Americans d

The Japanese had be-
come rich and, with it, sexy. So beaut
ful, so far from home, her voice visi
like a Madame Butterfly’s in this echo
ny stage-set of a city. Her ¢

vibrated in

Allenson’s bones until he ar last fell
sleep in the hotel bed.
“Darling. you must stop the car” Viv-

ian said, in a voice drained of all fir
tion, of wilely importuning. “Em about
to throw up

He looked over. She did look pale, un
der the tiule tan she had acquired drink-
ing cappuccini in sunny piazzas. Within
a few hundred yards, he found a sp:
by the side of the road, beside a steeply

descending woods, and pulled over
Other cars whizzed by. A few wrappe
and empty plastic bottles testified to pre-
vious visitors. The lake showed its
sparkling green-blue through the quiv-
ering tops of poplars. On the other side
of the road, a high ocher wall restrained
the hillside, Vivian sat still, e

s shut,

like a child trying to hold down a
tano um, Feeling unappreciated, Alle
son got out of the car, slammed the door

and inspected this unscenic piece of
Iraly—1the litter, the link fence, the flow-
ering weeds. Such unpampered road-
side nature reminded him of America;
his used old heart popped open and
e entered, and with it, for the ten
usandth time, a desire to reconcile
with his wife, whoever she was. She had
opened the car window a crack, to per-

10 come out

it communications. ^W
?" he asked.
y shook her head curtly. "I want
to go back. I want to get off this fucking

What about Riva?” They'd intended
to drive to Riva at the head of the lake.
Riva

language" he said.
along the lines of the
Japanese exclam in Venice.
He loved it when women del it ont.
“Would you like to drive?”
“You know I'm scared of the ge:
“Then just relax and let me drive.”
"OK. but dont be so macho. Het
voice soltened on “macho.” “1 beg you.”
she added. “Prego.
“Smooth as silk.” he promised. ^
had conferred youthful

on him; he got back into the car bounci-
ly. “Stop looking at the map.” he told
her “That's what gets you sick

.
On the way back toward Saló, Vivian

lovely litle church!

ied out, "What
ling, could you please stop?”

There was a space of cobblestones be-
side an array of white metal tables, and
he pulled in. “See,” she said, in a placat-
ing tone meant to match his new doality.
“H you go slow, we can see thing:
The ancient litile church had a patch-
ily Romanesque facade. The rounded
front portal was open, and to enter, they
parted a thick red curtain. Within, they
iced by the watery cool of vil-
ge Catholicism—the stony deep sce
ofa well, a few guttering candles, some
unfathomably murky Irescoe The
rd-pressed. tourist couple welcomed
emptine led silence be-
tween them and the pale Virgin making
a gentle disclaiming gesture beside the
al Vivian was so moved she fed a
1000-lira bill into one of the offering
boxes. From the church, they went next
door to sit at one g Hie whi

the y

the first
Allenson or-

an. limonata

for himself. Both were good, as Hen
way might have said. Dear old Heming-
way, Allenson thought, hoping to find
the good lile in hotels and calés, ro;
ing Europe like a bison on a tenderly
grassy plain, nibbling. defecating. prais-
ing headwaiters and contessas. From the
white tables, one looked level across the
i the m: 19 boats
and at the glittering turquoise water
backed by il y mountains of
the far shore. Once again, the best had
proved to he the unforescen. On her
map. Vivian discovered that they were
in Maderno. She found the church in
her guidebook, in the smallest of types.
“Sant! Andrea,” she read. “Shows re-
mains of Roman and Byzunline architecture.
especially in the pillas capitals, door and
A yet older church, it says, ‘seems
to be incorporated in the building.”

“Yet older" Readi
der, Allenson said,
D'An
road.”

She looked at him distrusuully,
was D'Annunzio?

“You dear child,
was just about the
since Byron. I mean famous-famous, not
lit ellence-famons. Fm a hule
xactly why. Fond of big
cs. and a great womanizer Didn't
you see the article on his house a Hule
while back in 421 and Antiques? t looked
like a Turkish harem.”

That would appeal 10 you
id.

And there are gardens." he dimly re-
membered. “We passed the sign to it just
here"—he. stabbed the map—in Gar-
done R a. We'll nip in to look
and then drive straight back, and be
back in the hotel in time to have tea
the bar. Maybe he'll
glish biscuits again

" Vivian said.

road sts of some lish

windows.

aver her shoul-
We should go to see
nzio’s house. ls just down the

“Who

ve us those I

“We must

ell be a station on the way to
D'Annunzio,” he promised.

But there wasnt. The distance was so
short he shot past the turnolf and had to
back around, awkwardly and danger-
ously, while Vivian shrieked and
mped her eyes shut. Once safely
parked, they walked uphill, following
signs to M Villonale degli Haliani. Wt was
two o'clock, and the sun had become
hor. “What's a auttariale?” she ask d him.

"E don't know. Some kind of vi y?

“1 thought the Italians never had that
That was part of their

of victory.

7 he promised.
the entrance, with its ticket
booth and desultory souvenir stands, the
guard was explaining something to à
Bulky, displeased Italian fan
chiusi, Allenson heard him say
ending was feminine.

“La casa?” he asked, at a venture.

“La casa, il museo,” the guard said, and

Bur at

The

179

PLAYBOY

180

a torrent more, of which Allenson took
the drift to be that the grounds and ga
dens were, however, open, The day was
Monday, which presumably explained

the split. Aperto. chiuso: Italy was a
checkerbo:
“You're in luck,” Allenson told his

wile.“
Only the outdoors is op

“Is it worth secing?

"It must be, or they would shut ev
thing up at once. Do you want to go
or now”

Even this early, she showed signs of a
is D’Annunzio-induced panic. Her
brown eyes. with their dry smile crinkles
at the corners, tried 10 read his face
she said. "You think it'll

"he house full of pillows is closed.
n.

mia cara wants," Al-
lenson said. He pointed out, "We won't
be here soon again, Maybe never.
Wednesday. they were flying home

“How much is it?”

Allenson glanced at the bigletleria and
said. "Five thousand a head. A cappucci-
no in Venice cost nine. Its only mone
we're making memories Your mon-ey:
passed through the reaching hands, the
coffinlike gondolas bumping

"Let's sce what the other people do."

The Italian family, with abundant dis-
grunded exchange between tl
band and the wife, while their two fat
children reddened in the si decided
to enter; but inside the gates, on th
long paved walks and surreal stark stair-
ways. where the Allensons kept encoun-
tering them, the man was heard more
than once exclaiming. as he surveyed
the sun-struck zuttoriale. “Cingne mila!”
To Allenson, it was worth it
the lake, of the forest plungi
into the lake, were worth The ea

nodern grandiosity was worth it.
ce had the fecling of an Ame
place—the home of

Chester French, for instance, or
sevel's Hyde Park—in which history
had scarcely had time to cool. One's par-
ents, in boaters and white linen, migh
have been guests here, filling the ter-
races with the sound of their youthlul
volity. An old red roadster was d
played behind glass—/wulomobile dell'im-
presa di Fiume. “The empress of Fiume?”

“I want to do w

hus-

The views

ng down

sacred.

Roo-

nk so. Something that hap-
ved at Fiume?” Stairways led upward,
closed house and museum doors,
into the surrounding woodland, wherc a
untain stream had been tricked
forming a goldfish pond. The
phere was pampered, enchanted, si

nos-

ter, They came to à structure, ope
wherein a large old-fashioned. motor
boat was suspended in memorial dry

dock; around the walls of the boathouse,
maps and photographs tried 10 explain
the great impresa of Fiume, but only in
Italian. Tt was a secret the Italians had
among themselves: it involved a n

of men, centered on short, bald, goat-
ced, baggy-eved D'Annunzio, wearin
the clothes of an aviator. Maps showed
dotted lines heading across the Adriatic
ind back. "What happened?” Vivian de-
nded in her sharp. car-riding voice.

“| don't know. It was a heroic exploit

in the car and then the boat.”

“It feels evil.”

"Don't be silly. In the World War,
the Italians were on the Allied side, re
member? Read Hemingway. They were
fighting the Austrians.”
they doing in Yu-

t the time. maybe.

gile knowledge of it. was

der him
.

From the boathouse,
led upward still. to a biz
structure, a two-story m. T
lower portion, entered. through. open
arches, had the same watery smell as the
little Romanesque church, but the only
holy objects were graven names, name
obi Tiedici—the Thi i—and more in-
scrutable printed on concern-
ing Fiume. Upstairs, a circle of blazing
white sarcophagi thrust pointed corne
like little marble cars, against the blank
blue Mediterranean sky. In the center of
the circle, on square columns twice a
tall as the others, the largest sarcopha-
gus flamboyantly loomed. Vivian seemed
quite bewildered, dazed and lost in the
white brilliance, in the angles of unre-
lieved marble. “He's in there.” Allenson
explained to her, pointing to the central
lowe:

“Your hero?”
all these other

“His companions
ume. The Thirteen,

“You mean men are in all these boxes?
Where are their wives? Why aren't they
buried with their families?

Allenson shrugged. Her insatiable
questions, like a child's, were wearing
him down. numbing his bras

She announced, “This is the
hateful place I've ever be
stand it. Its cist. ls Hitl
thinking of all the dead Jews.”

he said. “And who's in

the thing of

most

says right here. The grande
I don't know—n
who fi

1 on time. Not that even I was alive
n."

“I can't stand it,” Vivian said. “IE h
to stand a minute longer here
blinding sun listening to you dele
Nazi, Vll scream. Fd like to blow it
wish I'd brought a can of spray pai
1 could write graffiti all over it. Pm sur-
prised nobody has."

“Vivian, dear. you're being quite
stupid. He w Nazi. he was a poet,
a fin-de-sieele dandy. You don't know the

details of it, and 1 don't either. Whi
get home, I'll do some research.”
You ever mention this hideous man
to me again, TIl ask for a divorce.

He winced a smile, here in the sun
“Yon think the judge will find it
insufficient ground

She would not smile ba
real men in those boxe
le bond

Think of
bones.

the afterlife.
71 don't Know, isn’t there a kind of

innocent pomp to u? 1 find it rather

touching."

As touching as what vou did to

Claire."

laire had been his second wife. Al

lenson blinked and said, "What we did to

Claire, vou could
“Men, I me

Vivian pleaded, des-
ately gesturing upward, out of the
depths of a oppression.
Putting themselves in pompous marble
boxes, ruining all this woodland. the
lovely view. Oh, E hate it. 1 can’t stand
you standing there smirking and loving
at

“T don't exactly love-
with an
rs were trying to escap

" But his wile,
from which
dodged past
him and through the shadows of the
motionless memorials, the Thirteen.
basking in their glory, as if through a
maze, and ran down the stairs, where
the portly family was with difficulty
cending to get their cinque mla's worth.
avbe a baby Allenson thought,
would calm her down. She wis ap-
proaching the age of now or never, as lar
as pregnancy was concerned. But the
thought of one more dependent, its little

ily shut face.

life sticking out past his into the future
like a diving board, made him dizzy
Vivian was waiting for him at a landing
lower down, leaning against a stone
balustrade. “Sorry” she said. lost it.
In the cooling sunlight, he saw that she,
like a real Italian beauty, had a few fine
dark hairs on her upper lip.

This vulnerable touch softened him.
“You're night, of course. There is some.
thing creepy about this place.”
There's still more. There's
navy down there, the sign says.

Nave.” Allenson read. “A ship. How
can there be a ship?

Bur there was, with a mast and cabin
and funnels, breast

a whole

g the treetops, be

low them. A kind of g
back half a deck imitated in stone, the
foredeck apparently. real, and all the

tons of it heroically dragged up the hill-
side to rest incongruously among the
poplars and the ink-dark eypresses. It
would have helped his marriage, he
knew, to forgo this wonder, but the boy
in him couldn't resist heading down the

steps, and setting foot on the marble
deck, then the wooden deck. and look-
ing over the rail at the ocean of trees, the

poplar leaves fl
caps. It was very

ng like tiny white-
Italian like, on a

"iU

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17 mg. “tar”, 1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette hy FTE method.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking

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PLAT! OF

182

grander scale, those pieces of Venetian
glass that ingeniously imitate candy. Re-
turning up the stairs, he was short of
breath, and his legs felt heavy. “Its a
toy," he told Vivian. "It's all tovs."
ust like war,” she said.
Jh, come on,” he begged. "I didnt
I'm just a tourist like vou." Imi-
a dutiful husband, he escorted her
down, past the closed mansion with its
art-deco doors, past the red roadster
used in the mysterious impresa, out of
this maze with its dead Minotaur. Yet at
the entrance. he couldn't resist asking,
“Want to buy any souvenirs?
"Drop dead. she suggested, and
walked away from him toward the car.
He bought five postcards. including one
showing D'Annunzio nel sui studio (dans
son buivan, in his study, in sein er Biblio-
thek) gazing intently at what appeared to
be comic-strip-shaped proofs. wearing a
three-piece fuzzy gray suit, a handker-
chief in his pocket, a stickpin in his cra-
vat, the veins in his very bald head
bulging with concentration, his little lips
pursed. He looked sickly, a rich lile
catching up to him. Now his body was
back there, pressed against the sky, dry

as a flattened lizard.

Vivian was far down the narrow side-
walk toward the parking lot. No, wait
That thrilling contralto. Ignominious in
her sulk, she had to wait beside the little
Fiat, since he had the keys. “That was
fun,” he told her, “Just as well the house
nd museum were closed, they might
have been too much."

“Td rather have fun at Auschwitz,"
she said.

“Cut it out. OR, the guy had a good
sellimage. That's no crime. That
doesn't mean Auschwitz. The trouble
with your generation. al you know
about history is Auschwitz and the
A-bomb, and all you know about politics
is you don’t want them to happen again.
I keep telling you, he was on our side.
You've got the wrong guy."

“Maybe you've got the wrong girl. You
had a wife just like you, why didn't you
stick with her? Claire would have loved
going to Navi shrines.”

She might have.” he admitted.

Vivian persisted, her dark eyes flash-
ing. “You want a new woman. Claire and
I were a set. we went together. | bet
you've already got her picked out. It was

somebody you saw in Venice. You began
to act funny in Venice.” Female intu-
ition, Allenson thought, what a nuisance
it is. Her basic thrust secretly thrilled
him, but the practicalities of it were
overwhelming.

“Vivian, please. I'm nearly sixty. Im
ready for my sarcophagus. As my
prospective widow, | hope you paid
close attention up there. Its just what 1
want. Only, you can leave out those thir-
teen other guys.”

She grudgingly laughed, beginning to
let him back in. He knew what would
please her. Back on the main road, she
said, “Look, George, there's an aperto."

He slowed and pulled into the gas st
tion.

“How did you say we say, “Fill ‘er

I pieno, per favore. That's what the
guidebook says."

But no one came out of the liule
olfice, and no other cars were at the
pumps. Allenson got out into the sun
and shrugged at Vivian through her
window. "Chiuso," he said.

Another car pulled in, and a small
Italian woman in black got out and
looked around. Allenson caught her eye.
“Chiuso?” he said again, with a more ten-
tative intonation. She favored him with a
stream of Italian and did not seem dis
appointed when his face showed total in-
comprehension

Allenson had noticed, beyond the
empty office. a boy in gray jeans and a
Shell T-shirt washing a car, with an air of
independence of this establishment. Bur
now he came over and spoke to the
woman and showed her something

bout the pump. She smiled in sudden

ger understanding, performed some
action Allenson could not sec, seized the
handle of the gasoline pump. pumped
and drove away.

The boy approached Allenson. “Ls au-
tomatique,” he said. " Ten-thousand-lira
note, then pump.”

“Ah. comprendo, comprendo, Molle grua-
iv" He explained to Vivian, "You de:
with the pump directly. You feed it lir
He found the right denomination of bill
in his wallet, and with a curt mechanical
purr, the slot sucked it in. Gasoline then
flowed from the nozzle into his tank.
rather briefly. Ten thousand lire—nine

eager

dollars—bought just a few liters.

“More!” Vivian shouted from within
the car. "Here's some more money.” She
pushed ten-thousand-lira notes out

through her half-open window. and the
pump sucked them up, turning money
into movement, into married romance

When he got back behind the whee
Vivian

momentarily satished, said, “Its

strange he had to explain it to the won

an. too, She was Talian.
“Ws a tough country,

nounced, from his height of experience.
Even the natives cant figure it out

[y]

Allenson pro-

Mein Kuwait

(continued from page 96)

TS the

» be questioned. by
regime's five security Torces, which spy
not only on the people but on one an-
her

On my first visit in 1988, E had ap-
proached a man on the street to ask thi
time. He held np his arm as if warding
oll demons and scurried oll. More olien.
pkeepers responded
English. or

pedestrians or sh

by stating, politely that th
my Arabic. was not so good.
ple just don't talk to ye

much.

particularly about. polities.” shid a Unit-
ed Nations worker named Thomas
Kamps. “They Know that’s the Last la

to the electrodes and the dungeon.

There were genies inside every tele
phone and telex. One of Kampss col-
leagues, an Ethiopian. told of phoning :
worker in New York and switchin
id-sentence. Irom English to his native
Amharic A voice d Aly cut in, instruct-
him « pue in a lan-

"please cor
a understand.”

Censorship of the media and the ban
on overseas travel ensured. that. Iraq
stayed aurtight, hermetically sealed
inst the outside world. During Iraq
war with Iran. a typical copy of the Bagh
dud Observer devoted the upper hall ob its
front passe to at picture ol the president
as it did every day, apropos of nothing
Alongside the picture was an Orwellian
news Harsh—War € qué Number
291—u yg that Lagi troops had
“liberated 15 strategic mountain: peaks
atthe northern sector” and bad inflicted
“thousands of. enemy. casualies.” The
enemy's original taking of the now-libe
ated peaks had never been reported. In
eight years of war, no Iraqi defeats and
no Iraqi casualties were ever reported.

Only the tiny minority of Iraqis lis-
tening 10 the BBC or Voice ol Amer-
ici—when their frequencies: weren't
janmmed—could have had any notion of
just about liy. Saleh was
one ol them him ina
any first visit to Irag,
he chatted politely over tea until his col
leagues filed € lunch, Then he
ned up a radio and leaned across his
desk. speakin 1 hoarse whispe

My phone is tapped. this office is
bugged and. for all 1 know, my grimd-
mother is wired for sound, he said.
“But sometimes a man must speak his
minc. Saddam Hussein, he is the worst
dictator ever in rhe history of man,

Saleh said this with the grim but

inci

y external re
Whe:

downtown office oi

1 den

iddy

urgency ol a parachutist leaping from an
airplane. 71 could be shot.” he added.
"lor what Exe just told you.”

Saleh liked to write and had applied
n Arabic typewriter:
Each request had heen denied, so he'd
reapplied For a machine with Ex
characters. Hed been waiting
“What an E going to do with an Er

several times. for

Iypewriter” he wondered, |
cite tourists to rior?

Like mosi Iraqi
bur his

he'd stopped sc
Tamils closest
friends. "Who else can. I prus Can l
even trust them?” And he limited him-
sell 10 acts of defiance that would have
seemed peny in any other place. Most
Iraqi shops and homes displayed several
pictures of Saddam: Saleh hung nothing
more than a calendar adorned with the
presidents fice, But he kept à carpet
with Saddanr's lace woven at the cer
rolled up in ihe ront closer of his bome,
sc. 7M there is a knock in the
«Lean roll it out belore answer
the door? he l "A man must be
brave, but he must not be reckless.”
.

Two years larer, Saleh was sull there m
his dusty office, though he looked grav-
er and kept popping pills for what he
called “hean sickness.” A lew months be-
fore. the army had furloughed his son
lier ci the Iranian fi
only to call him back again to Kuwait

7M America kills Saddam. he said.

up the air conditioner, “mam
people will think the Prophet Mobam-
med is alive and well in Washington
in the vea, when the travel
had been lifted, Saleh visited ku-
rope for the first time in ten years, What
struck him mest was the hotel. news-
stand. stalled each day with a dozen
newspapers. “Hall of them were in kn-
guages E could barely read, but E bought
them all, just the same.” he said

Sighing wistfully, he unfurled an Iraqi
paper to show me the thi
which hed retried. Gone were
communiqués about victories on some

anvone md

dto

the

distant [rc

ol a never-ending war But
ecner echo ol 7984, history
istily rewritten. Eran. the mil
Internal

in an eve
had been li
lennial loe. had become a
alls. and the sheikdonis that had bank-
tolled haq were now the “backward
suis” of America, A front-page story
reported that the Kuwait loreigu minis-
ter was riddled with syphilis. On the in-
side pages. readers learned that. rabbis
were ministering 10 US. troops inside
the holy Moslem shrines of Mecca and
Medii

Sale
inte the trash

chuckled and tossed the paper
Opening bis desk, he
drew our smuggled copies of Newsnet

and. Tine, wrapped. in brown bags as
though they were pornography. “With-
out this,” he said, ^I would be a sheep
like everyone else.

Gening information from private or
public sources has never been easy in
Baghdad. In 1088 In ay pil-
: ust all visiting journalists,
to the Ministey of Culture and Informe
tion. Mr. Mahn. director of protocol lor
the foreign press. sat behind his desk.
with a red flvswatter in one hand and
my requested “program” in the other.
Ihe fat, bug-squashing official remind-
ed me at first of Sydney Greenstreet in
Casablanca. Wut then 1 realized that he
bore an even closer resemblance to Sad-
dam. I was an unspoken rule that
ollieials not only draped their walls with
Sade s and were a Saddam

ade

porte
watch but also mimicked the president's
squarish haircut and. thick. well-mani-
aned mustache. Unfortunately dor Mr

Mahn. Saddam had recemly decided t
lose weight. and ollicials across Baghdad

183

PLAYBOY

184

were now on what was known as the
Idam dict; their weights and ta
its were published in the press
those who filed 10 lose the de
mt lost their jobs. By my thi
to Iraq, Mr: Malin had shed 50 pour

Ud been warned of the dilheulty ol
Iraqi off 1 had listed every
person E could think of on my program.
beginning with Saddam Hussein. Mr-
Malin took out a red. pen and crossed
out the presidents name. “His Excellen-
ey, of course. is too busy to sec you.” he
said, Saddam's lace was everywhere, but
the man himself was elusive.

“This is no.” Mr Mah
out the next official l'd requested.

said. crossing

“This is also no.” Hc cont 1 down
the list, alterna strokes ol the red.
pen with slaps of the red Hyswattet.

This is no.” Thwap.
"Never mind.”

Th
“Never mind
Alter five minutes. Mi. Mahn had fla

tened

epieler

One of them was to “see current lighting

on the southern battle front.

“This maybe you can see,” Me Mahn
said, "On video.” He stalled the list into
his breast pocket. "Now you
to the hotel it. We will sce wh
we can do with your pr

Now inch. as it
plenty of rime tor wandering th
and “sight-seeing.” Playing tourist in
Baghdad wasn't easy. Un hirsi ol
all. ihe matter of maps. There was also
the problem that broad areas of the city

ind w

were sealed oll. for security.
Driving in the vicinity ol Saddanrs
riverside palace was a bad idea. Soldiers

Mes Ltd

had been knew
than motored past too slowly or. thi
made a suspicious U-turn, Even visiti
Baghdad's premiere tourist site, a strike
morial to the war dead. could be
One Japanese visitor ai
night and. alarmed d
clash o
led. with
y hi
his ear with buller holes.
1 vistied, without camera, a museum
ol Saddam's lile, which included. his
binh certificate, his flthegrade rey
"m ad an NO in history. his best
subject) and a Emily tre g his an
cestry to the family of Mohammed. Sad
4 ed in the Euphrates town of
likrit by nele Khairallah Tula
who once wrote a leallet titled “Tiree
Whom God Should Not Have Cre:
ms. Jews and Flies.” His foster son
what he could to finish Allah's
least two of those care

open fire a

tempted it
guards with
They

his camera
burst of ma-
1 but ricldlir

his

was doin
work ii
Downtown

there was a stan

ing the site where Saddam

ed to assassinate Abd. Kar
Nearby sprawled the centuries-old cop-
per bazar where hammer-wiekdii

cratismen tapped om
ashirays and wall hangit
dants face adorning thei

the rest ol the capi

am urns, plate
s—with. Sad-

center:

seemed drah.,

As Far back as the 12th Century. an Arab
twaveler lamented of Baghdad, “There is
no beauty in her that arrests the eve, u

mons the busy passer-by to I
his business and gaze.” The Mat, sun
baked plain surrounding the city oflered
tiale with which 10 build. execpt mud
Invaders had periodically leveled most
of the great buildings that once existed.
And Tag's vast oil wealth had finished
the job, with swathes of the old city

ripped d ice for towering
hotels and housing blocks. Or lor statues
ol Saddam

Wandering the streets once again on
my return visit last year: it became obvi-
eus that Saddam personality cul

Daci really waned, despite my first im-
pression, ft was true thar there were
lewer portraits of the presiden Bur,

hewing to the architectural axiom “Less
i new likenesses of Saddam were
grotesquely bloated, as though some pi-
tuitary disorder had infected the paint
and clay.

One desh sculpt

vol Saddam vi-

valed the Colossus of Rhodes: I was
four stories bigh, with Saddam's out-
stretched arm ca a shadow the

length of a tooth ld. Even Iraqis
seemed stunned. mally, vou must
be dead belore they put up something
a cabby confided, stalled i
trate beneath the state's Promethean
A much smaller statue. titled Arab
Horsem;

saze

1. that had once graced an à
glo. nen
to obstruct the view of so much as the
shins of the new Saddam.

Nearby, new yontument called.
Hands of Victory soared [50 feet into
the air. Ihe hands—modeled in
Pharaonie scale on those of Saddam—
clutched enormous crossed sabers. their
bilis draped with nets of Iranian. hel-
In the same complex. an Eiffel
Tower-like going up.
topped with a giant clock. Hs base was to
be decorated with scenes from the presi-
dent's lile. This was Baghdad's answer
to Big Ben. though it wasn't destined to
become a tourist attraction. The clock
lay inside a restricted area, where cars
© forbidden to stop and pedestrians
to enter

Ed also hoped to visit Babylon
105
es south of Baghdad along a
dull road bordered by date palms, mud
brick villages and 50-loot-high pla
of Saddam. Just outside Babylon. I had

structure was

which
The ancient city

Vd fast seen in

ards

come upon the biggest portrait Fd vet
seen. Ir showed the president rec

inscribed tablets Hom a skirted Baby-
Jomin King, beneath the words mos
SPRUGHADNIZZAR 10 sinit li seris. Neb-
uchadnezzan ol course; was the ruler
ried

who had defeated the Jews and e
thes

back to Babylon as slaves.
heir has inserted. seve
ale Babylon inscribed

1 they were
n the era of the leader Sadda
sein.”

But when 1 asked a Ministry ol Cul-
ture and Information official il a das trip
10 Babylon were OR. his face cinled into
a chilli le. “To follow the line ol
Bazoliz" he asked. "Von are fre
Farzad Bazoli. an Iranian-born London-
based. journalist. had been hanged by

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PLATE OF

186

the I Jew months belore, accused

of spying during a drive south from the

capital. T decided 1 could five without
secing Babylon again
.

But there was one spor | made sure to

revisit. Down by the river, I found Mc

i ied the fishmonger where Ed left
him two years before. in a blood-stained
smock, clubbing lish and propping hem

inst an open wood hire. Thrashing
around in their tiled tub of water, thc
unsuspecting fish looked lat and happy
Mohammed didit. “Business no good.”
he said, waving hi key wrench at
the sole customer in his restaurant. "No
onc have money anymore

He seemed pleased 10 sec me. tho
his long list of Iraq's enemies now
cluded America. “And Egypt and Sa
^d England and France

Russia," he said. nicking them off on
fingers. 1 pointed out that Ban. at least.

was off Iraq's hit list.

“Persians be enemies again someda
he said. shaking his head. "No one
makes love 10 Iraq.

Although strait-jacketed in most re-
spects, Iraq was remarkably unbutoned

when i came to drink and. entertain-
ment. Mohammed's restaurant sat be-
side Abu Nawas Street, a neon-lit stretch

of clubs and bars named for a medieval
Arab poer famed dor his sugg
Moh

ve Two s before,

"ned

yea

had taken me to one of the clubs and
we'd sat in a dark booth upholstered

with red. velver and vi [EN
mins by fantastically fat bar g
“Pretty boy wa lickew heke the
first one had cooed, holding me in a
amer lock
mmed had leaned across the

Irom the woman's nose. revealing a hag-
gard. heavily made-up fice and the
shoulders of a longshoreman. “By AL
ing her away. “WI
Mier hall an hour. he'd
ad the supply of

women in the bar:

Recalling the incident now, I suggest-
ed to Mohammed that we make a renum
vip and 1 ollered to pay for the beer.
For the first time, Mohammed's mood
brightened. E only go out with Allah
now,” he said, He pointed 10 a picture of
Mecca that now hung above his fish
tank, beside a dusty picture of Saddi
Mohammed had found religion

“For years, L ihrow my dinars away at
ugly women and bad beet.” he said.

Why E do this?” Clutching his monkey

wrench, he smiled and nodded su:
tively at the fish tank. “Stay here. Mr
Tony. I make vou nice dinner”

1 declined the offer and ducked across
the street to visit the night club with
y. for Tack of cus-
van, a gham Egy

Ti was closin;
tomers, but the door

“We've done Eastern, Central and
Mountain lime. If we hurry, we can still celebrate
New Years Pacific time!”

tim named Omar, said 1 could poke my
head in for a quick look. The scene in-
side was even n
pressing than Lie
hunched over a
whiskey as a lon
lessiv across the stage

vo tattered: and. de-

membered, Two Iraqis
haltempiy boule ol
dancer shuttled list-
Months-old tinsel
hung from the rafters, cigarette burns
covered. the tablecloths. One amplifier
id blown out. be ling hall the
club with deaten rbles and feed
back

Omar said the club would probably
close lor good now that the Kuwaitis no
longer came 10 town, Although Kuwait
was now, allicially, Iraq's 19th provin
most of its inhabitants had fled. i
exile.

“Kuwaitis paid, got drunk
some more,” he said. Ex
the club's other kuge dientele—were
Hecing Irag in the mass exodus ol Tor-
cign workers. “I think the happy days
are all done in Baghdad.” he said.

I walked back past the
stores on Sadoun Street, Baghdad's
main shopping drag. Earlier that week
the government had dosed ice-cream
parlors to conserve milk, and pastry and
chocolate shops to nurse Iraq's dwi
dling store of sugar. Restaurants were
dose on the weekend, as meat
other staples could be purchased. only
with vation cards. At one sar. the only
other person on the street was a soldier,
snoozing over his submachine gun.

Cutting back to the Tigris, T found a
bench and gazed out at the anti-iicraft
emplacements on the river's other bank.
Ihe guns had been taken down aler
with bran—and resu
ed now that enemy bombs thr

nd. paid
[m

shutiered

rice a

the cease-fire rec

iim. A small boat with an un
ne purtered toward. me and id
warned around. I. was forbidden 1
tinue downriver, past the preside
palace

A night out in Baghdad had never
been my idea of a good ume. Bur it de-
pressed me that what litte vitality the
city had once possessed was now dr
y away so fast. War or no war fr
seemed destined to become a desert Al-
bania: destitute and lifeless, forever ar
mored against the outside world.

But then, anything was possible. Ten

months before, on a raw Christmas
nigh im the Romanian town ol
Timisoara. Ed seen ill.clad and cr
toothed mobs rush imo the str
ebrate the news tunu the
Ceausescu was dead.

Walkin; kto my rooni
dad Sheraton, with its dim high and

tapped phone, T wondered il 1 would re-

turn here again some starry Arabian

night, to waich Baghdad dance on the
F the: Tigris.

banks
Fi

1976 Warner Bio!

' qa
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188

He ty
(continued from page 167)
linger Nothing can put a damper on
lun. more quickly t Irazaled host
madly dashing about in an attempt to
keep everyone happy
How much amd what kind of cham:
pagne vou serve depends on your buc
et amd your friends! palates. Catei
estimate abour a bottle per person. I
and the trend

with designated drivers

toward drinking less but better. you may
wish te adjust your order accordingly
And because the French bubbly that

you'll be pouring will cost at least $20 a
boule, we suggest that you stick 19 good
nonvinage cu. such as Moët & Chan-
don White Stax.

California sparkling wine, which costs
about 30 10 50 percent less than cham-
pagne, is no longer considered the bub:
blys homely stepsister. H you opt for
serving a West Coast sparkler ruhe
than champagne. look for wine from
such top vineyards as Gloria Ferrer. Iron
Horse. Schramsbeng and Minim. Napa
Valley. and. pay particolar attention 10
the labels. Most sparklers will be labeled

“hane de blanes” ov "hauc de nars” Ihe
Former usually means the wine was
made Bom all white grapes, primarily

ehundonnay. The latter means it
made with red pinot grapes. Blanc de
Manes sparklers tend 10 be lighted

was

blane

de noirs ave Fuller. Take your pick
A good red wine, such as American
pinot noir, should also be added 10 your
list of spirits. Why? Because it’s an excel
lent red wine to serve when you're olle:
both sealood and meat—as you'll be
doing at your party. Pinal noir is volup-
tous and smooth with relatively littl
tannic bite, so il vou drink it directly afi-
er popping an oyster into your mouth.
your taste buds wont kick back wi
am unpleasant metallic taste. California
wineries to look for include Sainisbury
Robert Mondavi, Sterling. Carneros
Creck, Sanford and Calera.
hile veu re still thinking about bev-
ges. you also might plan to serve a
New Year's Eve punch. When the linc
starts forming at ihe bar, thirsty
can help themselves. The following
punch, which serves 20, is €
amd delicious.

MEM VEMOS EME PUNCH

16-07. cans chilled apricot nectar

6^7: cups chilled ginger ale

1 cups chilled Grand Marni

2 bottles ch
wine

L lemon,

L can pineapple we
chilled

Mix a 6-07. can apricor nectar with 6
ons v ale and freeze im icecube
tray. Pat cubes in chilled bowl or pitcher.

s. drained and

Daniels..

remaining nectar, gi le
Grand Marnier over them. Stir. well

Add sparkling wine and float. lemon
slices and pineapple wedges on top.

With all the merriment going
youll want to provide the ging with
some serious sustenance to Keep them
straightened up and thing right. But
with 20 people Moating through: vour
abode laughing. drinking and having a
good Time Ws no occasion Lo serve ves
nedallions with wild mushrooms in
Met t
should be e

cam sauce. AN ats laid out lora

lai a her NV de eut

to have

and. unless you're lucky enou
a stall of ten, simple to prepare. The
most practical solution when planmin;

such a spread is to rely on mail-order
services, local specialty stores and cater
ers. That way. von can order everything
over the phone and just arrange a deliv
ery or pickup time.

Our recommende menu
pheasant pili, a side of smoked salmon,
Southern country ham, freshly shucked
oysters, chilled shrimps. eradiles and sal-
ad dressing. a wheel of stilion or brie
F The l;
ate at least half an ounce

includes

1. of course, caviar Eis a must

Caterers es

There are many
Ameri-

+ but the best caviars are er

ol caviar per
kinds to ch
an sturge
ther Russi ha
one sed.
Serving Russian Belu

person

ase from, includi

n. Guess which

caviar to vout

20 closest Friends is ul gesture. bu

il vou re nor in the mood to Gash in a six-
month CD to de it. you might consider
considerably less expensive Sevruga ats
an alternative, Ws sull the real McCoy
nid the Mayor is only slightly dillerent
But is less rare and, henee, less costly. H
von cant Bind caviar in vour area. place
a call te Zabas (212-787-2000) or Ma-
Store (212-695-4400,
extension 2617) in New York no kuer
than the 1 December, Each
holiday season. those iwo rivals declare a

es Department

st week

serious caviar price wit
Expect to spend at least $200 for 20
Sevruga and $675 lor the

same amount of Beluga. Schedule your
caviar delivery to arrive no more than a
week before your party, because that's

ounces. ol

boni how loi
Irigermed. Store it unopened in the
coldest part of your fridge. usually ihe
back of the lowest shell. (Dow freeze it
or youll have expensive trash ou your
hands.)

When serving caviar, avoid hissy ac-
companiments, Some toasted brioche
and a glass bowl billed with crême fraiche
(available in specially stores) are all
voll need. The caviar should also be
served in a glass bowl resting on a bed

g caviar keeps when re

of cracked tee with a mother-of-pearl
Av

acts badly with caviar, Giusi

spoon. for scoopin d metal; in re-

in to taste

To the
drinkers of
Jack Daniels

Our special recipe
for sippin Jack Daniels

in the wintertime.

Nothing is easier 10 buy than smoked
salmon. Order a side of a good Scottish.
Trish or Norwegian brand that has been
cut on the diagonal imo paper-thin
slices. Lay the side out on a silver platter
ind. place a serving fork nearby, along
with a basket of lemon wedges and plen-
1y of slices of buttered pumpernickel
the hall shell are a New
Year's rite of p Order them at
"your party from a lo

Oysters i

least a week befo
cal fish market and be sure to have them
shucked just before you pick them up.
Don't forger to ask for the shells. Ciner-
ers estimate about sis per guest. but, be
cause oysters aren't to everyone's liking
vou may wish to order fewer, Belore
your guests arrive. lay out a selection in
three or four big glass bowls filled with
cracked ice

Chilled shrimps are a near-perlec
party food. Any fish market that e
oysters also will stock jumbo shrimps
that have already been cooked, peeled
and chilled. Order about five pounds
early, along with the oysters, bu pick
them up atthe last minute for maximum
freshness

Preparing the shrimps is simple, Cut a
tiny notch in the belly of cach one and
hang it on the lip of a big glass bowl
filled with crushed ice Make a dippi
by combining equal amounts ol

vries

ucc

yonnaise and sonr cream spiced with

a bit of minced garlic and ginger, a dash

ol
and a teaspoon or two of tomato. paste
for color

The centerpiece of your table should
be a whole country ham, Not the proc-
essed excuse lor ham that’s too often
served at Easter, but a truc, lean South:
ern ham that has been smoked and
cured naturally, Order it from. your
bincher well in advance of the party
Serve it on a pkuter and slice about hall
oF it before ye Slice the
rest halfway through the party. IE you
simply lay out a knife and leave the cut
ting to your guests, youll end up with a
mess on your hands.
Pheasant or duck pile is a wonderlully
easy party food—and an ideal comple
ment to the ham. Order it ar least one
week in advance Irom your favorite food
emporium. You can pick it up the week
end before the party and. keep it re

Worcestershire and 1 sco sauce

1 guests arrive

frigerated. Bur. remove it an hour or
so before your guests arrive so that
t warms 10 room temperature. Serve

partially. sliced—in one-half-inch-thick
pieces—on a platter, with nuts or dried
Iruits for garnish. And be sure to lav ont
páté knile for serving (vou. know. the
kind with the rounded end)

A brimming bowl of crudis will round
out rhe appetizer/entree section ol vous
bullet. But instead of wasting time chop-

ping veggies in your kitchen. simply

drop by a local full-service supermarket

or upscale deli that has an
ad bar and buy al
Favorite fixings. Then choose a v

on rhe side. Bu
mushrooms, etc,
chopped. will save vou
kitchen and will look smart, to hoot.

Lastly, desse

y carrots, broccoli
already cu

PEA TPO

in the New Year with hats. noisemakers
serpentines, contenti and the like belor
you get around 1o it. so no one will be

astully
a huge frosty bowl heapin
of dilereni flavors of ice cream. Al
side it, ser out a dozen «
clear. glass bow
conato chocolate chips. roasted. nuts

ood. Our su

estion is to sei

so toppings in
maybe shredded co-

chopped. beri vd bananas. gr
nola. raisins, whipped cream and b
ken pieces of peanut brittle, plus

pitchers of hot fudge sauce. Kahlü
Then w
with the

ch everyone gleelully dive

nbirious sal-
ih of your
icty of
bottled dressings 10 serve in glass bowls

and
e in the

. ds likely that you'll
have sung Auld Lang Syne and welcomed

e
g with scoops

kind of dimn-the-cilories, full

speed-ahead: ariude rhat helits New
Year's Eve, For those guests who avoid
m. place a selection of mullles.

ice cr

the table sc
Vtech left out ol the caloric ac-

pastries and other swec
they de
hen.
A some point in the evening. vou—or
someone else—shonlel ofler a toast to
the New Year. I you're up to it. line: but
enherwis sk to vour wittiest
st Stopping the party as one, mo or
rrymakers pay sentimen-
to the New

sign the

even three

tal or outrageous he
Year "
lire and gives evervor
Onward, into the night!

As the evening winds down. strong
black collec. will be in order, and. ol
course, you'll want to have plenty of soft
drinks and plain and flavored bouled
hand for the

nage

ls psycholog

waters on designated

drivers
Have fun and a happy New Yes

“Much as

^d like to help
public television, Em afraid we

v a lille

overextended al the moment, whal with having to bail
190 oul Ihe savings-and-loan industry."

LOVE DICES

(continued from page 104)
ney. "I you w know ifa man is
having an allair you just wait until he
goes om of town and stays in a henel
TIE eat in the restaurant. have à couple
ol drinks, then go back t0 his room and
make tivo phone cállscone to the honey
amd one to the wile. The next dan. vou
call the hotel and say. This is Miss Smith
with the ABC Company. I want to verily
the charges on our employee's: phone
bill. Simple.” Pankin says. “Chey
give von thi

rs and vou see who

Martin handled. about 300 love spy
cases liist vear—ten times Ihe number he
ated in 1985—md it gave him a

"Ol the women who ask us to do a Dack-
md check just to make sure every-
ys OR. usually they walk away ve
happy: very satisfied, no problems.” he
says. “OF The women who want us to find
out il their partner is fooling around.
nineiyseren percent are, and the oth
three percent are, 100: we just d
cach "em. Is uncanny. Momen knor
AIDS has raised. the stakes in the
dating game, it has also changed. the
rules. Nick Belirante, ol D.C -based Bel-
trane & Associates. says almost all of his
clients requesting background. checks
want to know if their lovers are sleeping

el. Same old story with w dle

am
noucment. “Phey say they suspect their
boyfriend. is sc me ebe, Dui

they're not dl d unless he's
having casın says Beltane,

They want to know. is he going to bars
and picking up anyone he mects? The
subject is health. not sex.”

Sometimes the subject is money.

k S-year-old ollice manager. is
a petite br e with sky-blue eye:
musical kigh and a biological clock tick-
She met Steve

friends home. He was

y
yk and “gorgeous.” she says. She tell
in love

Steven told Joan he worked in PR f
local hotels, When they started dating.
he had plenty of spending money. Grad-
walls, as the weeks piled imo months, he
up short. “H was little things
ar histo Joan says. “He needed some
new shirts lor a business trip. or he'd
want to take some clients to dinner at a

wits e

real nice place and could 1 pay? He'd
say. “Mv money will be coming through
soon. That kind of thing.” So she paid
She paid for shirts and dinners. Then

she paid for suits and rental cus. Phen
airline tickets. And then, or
gone

When [oan met the man she now lives
with, she was still working oll $50,000 in
debis from. her two-year. binge with
Steven. Once burned, she shied imo de-
leclive David. Mollison’s office to get a

alay, he was

new sul

background check on I n

“I was so suspicious at that point, 1
figured the detective w: ng me off,
100," Joan says, laughing. "I was like, oh,
this guy just comes right out front with
it. Gimme a hundred buc

Mollison, founder of Coastal Oper
ns Group in Casselberry. Florid
gave Joan a clean report card on her
new lover. He also tapped his computer
keyboard until he found a paper trail to
con m Steven. “He said we could
probably find him and press some kind
of charges," Joan says, "but I don't know.
that's over and done. In a way,
1 guess I must have known what was go-
ing on. but I just wanted to believe in
him.

We've all spied in the name of love.
Not the 70 d-
dagger kind of spying—not the stuff

Irom the movies. Even the pros seldom
ever resort to that. But how about glanc-
ing in snookums Week at a Glance to
see what's booked for Saturday night?
Hasn't your hand ever dipped into a
coat pocket lor an address book? Or
rifled the receipts on a desktop? What
about the medicine chest at hot cakes?
place—you checked for an extra tooth-
brush, didn't you? And you would have
noted if he had a diaphragm case next
to the Q-Tips, or if she kept a bottle of
Brut with her Lady Bics. That's only
natural. After the first few mindless mat-
ress shes, we're all looking for
clues.

"What I tell people is, Come to me be-
lore you get in deep in the relationship,”
says Martin. "It'll save you a lot of grief,
a lot of time and a lot of money. It's so
much casie

Consider the case of Ralph. an insur-
ance adju in Boston, 45 years old,
married for the second time. He hired a
detective to check the probate records
be he married his second wife, “but
1 wasnt going to admit that," Ralph
says. "I mean, she wasn't the problem.

The problem was Ralph's first. wife
They had met on a blind date and mar-
ried within months. He was 25 years old,
she was 20.

“L loved her,” Ralph says. Then he
amends quietly, "I thought I loved her.”

One night, à couple of years after they
wedded, Ralph and his wife went to an
awards banquet. During cocktail hour,
as he introduced her to his colleagues,
he noticed something odd.

This one guy from the office seemed
to be really staring at my wife—E could
just kind of feel it—and when he came
up and I introduced them, she became

ncomfortable. She went through a little
change. I could sce it in her eyes.”

At work the next day, Ralph confront-
ed the He said he didn't want to
accuse wife of anything, but he
thought he knew her from Montreal. He
said he used to go to this place

treal where they had exotic dancers.

When hc cooled. down, Ralph called
detective Robert Simmons. Three weeks
and $3500 later, Ralph had the skin
on the missus.

“The report said she was a dancer in
the club, and she was helping herself to
liquor between shows, and she'd been a
prostitute up there, too. The whole deal.
Her hair was a different color, but she
used her own name, and her own Social
ty number, so that proved it. That
Social Security number proved it."

Ralph says it took him a week to get
up the nerve to confront his wife. When
he did, “she admitted. everything. She
said times had been rough. She said she
started dancing when she was
and the money was good, but she stay
longer than she'd wanted to. She said
she wanted 10 tell me about it bur just
never did."

Ralph moved out, filed for divorce,
quit his job. "I didn't think I'd ever get
married again,” he says. “I didn't want
children, so what was the point? L's
not that 1 don't trust people because of
what happened, but I didn't want to go
through all that again and find out my
s somebody | didn't even know."

e you my phone
number, because I'm working undercov-
er for the DEA.”

She says, “You're the only one.”

He says, “I'm with the CIA and I
move w a different sale house every
week.

She say

You'd be hard put to devise a picku
the love spies havent
ays he or one of the 65
for him hears the DEA
"at least once a week.

agents who worl
and CIA lines

Those are real popular."

Speriglio heard the virgin line recent-
ly from a single guy who ordered a
ground check on his fiancée. “Sh
him she was a virgin, and she's twenty-
eight years old. Then they had sex and
she said she was pregnant." Speriglio
“That's pushing it, don't you

ally was a DEA

nt
before he hung his s
to this. This happen: an
comes in here and says, I'm in love with
this guy. We've been dating for two
years. He's always over at my house. I've
never been to his house. Does he have
an address?" Martin slaps a meaty fist
against his forehead for emphasis. "I go,
"Look, lady, I'll give you this for free
The guy's married. OK? You don't even
need me. Get outa here. Goodbye"

, how stupid can you be?”

Another line tossed around liberally is
an old standard: “Will you marry me?”
That's what Salvatore said to the wealthy
divorcee who hired Speriglio. Here's
what happened: Barbie from Brent
wood, as we'll call her, met Sal at a party.
He spoke broken English and she spoke
phrase-book n. They talked. and
shortly thereafter made an international
love connection. Sal had the kind of
body vou see in museums cast in

bronz e—the kind of body they build at
old's Venice, Cali ia, where
he worked out daily, or out on the

where be played paddle te
swooned. They began to d

ar phone or his pager.

When Sal wanted money for “invest
ments,” Barbie paid. She didnt have his
home number and had never been to his
apartment, but that didn't bother her

“Most men wear a condom for safe sex—l wear one so
my schlong of steel won't rust!”

191

PLAYBOY

192

much until Sal proposed. Then she went
to the Nick Harris Detective Bureau &
Academy for a background check.

In a photograph Barbie gave the de-
tectives, Salvatore sits on the edge of a
bed wearing pink boxer shorts and a
Cheshire-cat smile. The calf muscles and
biceps bulge. His hennaed hair flows on-
to his bronze shoulders. One hand dis-
appears in the folds of the rumpled bed
sheets.

.
We don't know if Sal is home the day
we cruise his neighborhood, past his
apartment house, up the alley, around
the block again. Speriglio parks on a
cross street, where his car can't be seen
from Sal's front porch. Since the day
Barbie came to Speriglio's office, a
staffer has run a data search that came
up with the address. A little legwork on
the part of another agent established
that Sal lived with an attractive woman
named Mona. We don't know if she is his
sister, girlfriend, wife or accomplic
It's Sunday afternoon and the streets
are quiet. After a few minutes, Speriglio
looks up and smiles. "Lets be re-
porters," he says. He points at the pad
and pen in my lap. “You've got the
props."
He tells me how we'll play it—we're
with such-and-such news agency, work-
ng on a story about paddle tennis. We
have a tip that Salvatore is an interna-
tional paddle-tennis star and we want to
sk a few questions. What does Salvatore
make of the competition in California?
Is the paddle-tennis scene here the same
asin Italy? Does he like the beaches? Is it
ke home?
“Hot story, Milo
“L know, I know. Who cares about
n playing paddle tennis at
ch? But just watch,” he says.

“Tcl fly,
And it does—on the wings of
Speriglio's jackpot guess that sleepy-
eyed Mona, who answers the door, i:
fact, Salvatore's wife. Once we're in,
we're home.
As for our "interview," it couldn't have
been easier. "Do you play paddle tennis,
too?” Speriglio begins, as all good re-
porters do, giving the subject a chance
to talk about herself. Mona is groggy
nd she doesn’t know much English, but
Speriglio is as cool as a sea breeze. He
uses his real name and tosses in a couple
of Italian words, for good measure. He
compliments her on how fit she looks
and her lovely tan. Ever so slowly, the
talk turns to Salvatore. How long has he
been in the U.S.? When did she arrive:
How long have they been married? Did
they have any bambi? Mona's eyes shift
from Speriglio to me and back a few
times. She seems to understand less and
less English the longer we stay. At one
point, she leans back against the couch
and crosses her arms over her stomach.

“Why you come here?" she asks.

A few minutes later, we're back on the

street. We now know that Salvatore I
been in the U.S. fora year and Mona ar-
rived three months ago—about the time
her husband met Barbie. They have
been married for three years. They have
no children. Mona is headed home with-
in weeks and Sal is leaving a few months
later. For the record, Mona savs there
was no such thing as paddle tennis in
Italy. but Sal was a squash champion.
As we turn the corner and walk to the
ur, out of sight of Salvatore and Mona's
front door, Speriglio plugs a cigarette in-
to his mouth.

"Case closed," he says.

“Um—what colors do the air bags come in?”

DETECTIVE D’AMOL

(continued from page 104)

clients named her husband's brokerage
firm in divorce papers. We'd found out
that the guy was leading a double life
with another woman and the firm knew
all about the arrangement. His office

»utinely referred business calls 10 the
apartment he kept for the woman. The
wife's lawyer claimed the firm “entered

into a conspiracy of mental cruelty"
against the wife. The firm folded on the
case, t00.
aynoy; You let us eavesdrop when you
phoned the Wall Streeters actress
friend. When she answered, vou faked
some conversation, then claimed thc
telephone company had crossed lines. Is
the ruse a way of life for private eyes:
senex: Sure. A private eye may tele-
phone you to confirm that you live at a
certain address; he'll make some small
talk and then say that he's got a wrong
number. He may call on the pretext of a
character reference for a new employee,
then claim he made a mistake. But any
private investigator who says he's a cop
is a jerk. He taints his case.
: You have an eight-by-ten glossy
shot of the actress. Did you pose as
a theatrical agent to get it?
mueres: T lucked out with a talent book
for an ad agency and got a photograph
of the actress. But you always want to
row things down, do a profile before
you go out on the tail job. When the wife
ılled for an appointment, I asked her
to bring a picture of her husband to help
with the LD. She brought notes on the
guy's routine; he stops for drinks every
day in a place near a bank alter the stock
market closes. Which is why were
parked out here. She even brou
an Express charge receipt she
rom her husband's pocket so I
could have a look at
charged drinks at a ba :
friend works as a cocktail waitress be-
tween acting jobs.
mario: We see a forty-dollar tip on a
ten-buck tab. He's a big tipper and he's
leaving a paper trail for you, right?
MULLEN: She's giving him free drinks.
But with plastic, we can bring up your
life story. You're a stranger throwing
down a piece of plastic and walking out
with the merchandise. You pay a price
for the convenience. But what are you
going to do, pay cash for everything:
‘Technically, we can't get credit reports
It's an invasion of privacy. I have a girl
friend who owns a business and 1 use
her shop's credit-reporting service. We
can pull a motor vehicle up on the office
computer. We're licensed private eyes.
so we can subscribe to that service. We'll
enter the plate number of a car and get a
name, date of birth, height, color of
s, driving record, impaired-driving
lents. We can write for an accident
d get an address. We can write

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for the title and get the name of the in-

ance company. People don't have just
their cars with the insurance c

They ma sure their house

shows the bank that gave them
gage. You have a Social Security num-

ber, which can be your identification
number if you're an investor.
mownov: So much for privacy. What

about civil right
wenn: Maybe a guy has registered to
vote. 1 can get a copy of your voting card
for three bucks. Find out how long
you've lived in your building. Call the
town clerk, get a lot number, find out
when you bought the property how
much you paid for it. Sometimes public
officials balk at coming across with pub-
lic records. Bruce Springsteen is like a
god in Jersey, but we pried loose infor-
mation. about him. Ju he Spring-
steen's attorneys. retained. me to help
make their case that Springsteen spends
most of his time in € Julianne
had to counter his claim that Jersey was
his home. That was and still is important
for her divorce. The property's all split
New Jersey maintains
equi bution law. So her attor-
neys wanted to start the case in Califor-
ngsteen of
Rumson
District Five, had failed to vote in the
past four years and, ling to law, his
records were removed from the active
file. We got copies of the deed for
Springsteen’s Jersey house registered
under the name of his manager in Cali
fornia; we found New Jersey regist
tions for his ^ evy and 769 pickup
His driver's license, his motorcycle regis-
tration and his current voting registra-
tion are not in New Jersey. Hard to get
that kind of stulf in California. They
protect constitutional rights out there.
riwtoy: We had an idea this might be a
dirty business, bur your son confirmed
our suspicions when he dropped a bag
of trash onto your desk.

seuss: The guy picking up your
garbage may not be the garbage man
Garbage tells a lot about a person. In
certain cases, you can't use the garbage
criminal actions, because there's no
proof it hasn't been diluted with some-
one else's. Private eyes working a mat
monial case search garbage for notes
enclosed with bouquets or gifts, condom
wrappers, empty champagne bottle
riwnoy: That's quite a telephoto lens on
your Ni y ny
pointers on getting good candid shots?
menes: You have to line up a shot, be
the director. TI follow a couple to a
ant, At first, there
allection. IVs like a business meeting.
But it's a different temperature outside.
With food in his stomach, everyone gets
tired. Two drinks. The mind slows
down. The guy's out of a controlled en-
vironment. He wants to show some al-

no signs of

fection. I's human nature. The private
eye is anticipating that. He's stand
across the street with a thirty-five
limeter with a zoom lens. He gets the
picture. Places a fallen tree branch on
the hood of the guy's car so he has to
walk around and lace you so you get a
good picture. The PL can drop some
coins on the ground to slow him down,
et him in the frame, Or you could give
im a flat tire. But I would never, never
do that. [Laughs] I don't want to be sub-
poenaed for anything 1 say to you
maysoy: We LDed the bond trader
when he left his office and followed him
into that bar. Can he shake a Mullen tail?
wtLLEN: No one has time to look over his
shoulder. New York's crowded. streets.
and subways provide good cover for pri-
vate eyes on tail jobs. On the other hand.
a guy can get away with leading a double
life—I followed a guy who was married
but had a series ol flight attendants on
the side. We photographed him and
them in restaurants just a couple of
blocks from his own home. By the way,
Hight attendants are still very big as the
other woman in a case; these Wall Street
types travel first class on long trips and
the Night attendant is the one who's
g them the attention

You have a pistol strapped to
your leg. Do things ever get violent?
snes: The big difference between real
life and television private eyes is a lack of
violence. I try to control a situation; if
I'm working a criminal case, I'm not go-
ing to tell someone to meet me at ele
rv. in an empty lot. Even in a matrimo-
nial, you want to be in control; you dont
go into the guy s office and serve papers
He'll hardball you and shout that his
lling. You serve him
the morning alter he's spent the ni
with the girl and told his wife he was on
a business trip to Tueson

riiv: Whats the worst nightmare of
a guy getting something on the side?
wtites: The girlfriend starts putting on
the. pressure. She's hoping to break up
the marriage—especially when the mar-
ried man earns a lot of money. I showed
you that letter the bond traders wife
had given me, the one that described
how her husband and the actress we
recently spotted together on a plane

lawyers will be

from LaGuardia to O'Hare, date and
Might number included. The writer
commiserates. Sure, And the letters

signed "One who pities you.” But you
n bet the actress wrote it, The girl-
Iriends write ninety percent of those let-
ters. Sometimes the girlfriends have
hunches of their own. We were hired by
a woman who wanted us to check out
her boyfriend's wife. Hed kept stalling
her on a divorce. He claimed his wife
was sick, near death. We found her run-
ing a ten-K race up in Westchester
INTERVIEWED

AY WARREN KALINCKER

OPEN ROAD «iud from page 140)

"Aside from lighting up a top fuel dragster, the Dia-

blo is an all-time killer with aging prom queens.

»»"

me—seats. My second choice? The
Suzuki Swift CTi, because it's great fun,
offers tremendous gas mileage and
embarrassingly good performance. It's
kind of a born-again Mini-Cooper."
David Stevens also opted for the Corra-
do, commenting favorably on its "stubby
boy-racer bravado and kiss-my-accelera-
tion rising spoiler. What's more,” he
said, “it feels European, and that's kind
of nice for a change.” Brock Yates cast
his vote for the MR2, observing, “To-
yota's reliability replaces traditional
Continental under-hood zaniness with
mid-engine madness—a feature form
ly reserved for the gold-plated crow
Ken Gross chose the Isuzu Impulse:
"With its Lotus-tuned suspension,
Isuzu's flashy—and — aflordable—

pulse makes a good driver out of a tyr
Lyn St. James favored the Mustang CT:
“It's a real kick to drive. Macho, but so

subile anyone can drive it—even my
mom." John Lamm called Mazda's Mia-
ta "the Sweetheart of the pack," praising
its quick-folding top and "the best
sports-car shifter ever. I recently drove a
Miata back from the desert on a warm
summer night. Top down, gomg like
hell on a twisty road. . .. Take me back; I
loved it."

Coolest Wheels for a High School
Reunion: "Show up in a Lamborghini
Diablo," said Gross, "and they'll think
you're a vice cop or a drug dealer. Either
way, everybody will know you made it
big time." Yates agreed: "Aside from
lighüng up a top fuel dragster in the
parking lot, this thing is an all-time killer
with aging prom queens." Lamm: "If
you take the Diablo, you'll impress the
hell out of everybody, but you'll intimi-
date them and no one will talk to you.
Take a '57 Chevy ragtop and you'll have

the time of your life.” St. James said
everybody should return in “the car he
drove in high school [she drove a Ponti-
ac Catalina 242), but if that’s not avail-
able, go for a Ferrari F40. It's a race car
in disguise. No one would dare sit in it,
let alone ask you for a ride." Stevens
would drive a Porsche Carrera 2: "So
what if you blow into the old high school
parking lot backward?" he said. “Isn't
that how you drove in those days, any-
way?" Frank: "Even if I owned a 500E or
an NSX, I wouldn't take it. I'm from
Youngstown, Ohio, so maybe a clapped-
out Studebaker Avanti might be appro-
priate."

Smartest Four-Door Sedan Over
$20,000: Last year, in this category, the
car our panelists liked best was the
Lexus LS 400 and this time around, not
many opinions had changed. Lamm felt
that “while there are other luxury cars
that may perform better, none of them is
as good a package as the Lexus." Gross:
"European car makers sneered at the
notion of a Japanese luxury car before
they saw the quick, silent and affordable
LS 400. You can bet they're not sneering
now." Vates: "A Stepford sedan; perfect
in rnost respects, but is there a passion

PLAYBOY'S PANEL OF JUDGES

FRANK

Len Frank: Host of the nationally syndi-
cated radio program The Car Show,
Fronk has been rocing, buying, selling

and writing about autamabiles far many
yeors. Although the cars he roces lean
taword the unusual (a Cheetoh, a Scag-
lietti-Corvette ond a souped-up Volvo
station wagon, to name a few), he has
eagerly tested nearly every conventional
make ond model around.

Ken Gross: As Playboy's Automotive Ed-
itor, Gross keeps track of the latest new
cors and trends for Ployboy’s Automotive
Reports and recently shed light an the
collectible market in Million-Dollor Babies
(Playboy, December]. He test-drives more
thon 100 cars a year, is the editor of
"Vintage Stuff,” a manthly feature in Au-
tomobile Magazine, and a columnist for
Automotive Industries.

Ei
LAMM ST. JAMES
John Lamm: As editor at large for Road
8 Track mogazine and Road & Track spe-
cial publications, Lamm is in the enviable
position of traveling the world to wri
about and photograph the latest dream
mochines. Also a frequent contributor ta
six averseas cor magazines, Lamm re-
cently returned from the Paris auto shaw,
only to be whisked off to Japan to check
‘out the latest Mitsubishis.

Lyn St. James: The mast successful fe-
mole roce-cor driver in North America,
St. James has set 31 speed records os a
Ford Motor Company driver. In 1985, she
became the first and only waman to win
a race in the Internctionol Motor Sports
Associotion's Camel GTO series, a feat
she has repeated four times since. Off
the track, she is a commentator for ESPN
and a columnist for Cosmopolitan.

STEVENS

David Stevens: Street driving may seem
tome compared with racing a dune bug-
gy in the Mexican 1000 dawn Boja or
crossing the Sahara in a Land Rover, but
to Stevens, wha has braved these and
other adventures during his 25 years with
Playboy, the wheels are as thrilling as the
terrain. Our Senior Editor is in chorge of
the moterial stuff men love—and that in-
cludes the warld's best cars.

Brock Yates: Ca-hast of the Nashville
Network's award-winning American
Sports Cavalcade, Yates also is an editor
at large for Cor and Driver and awner of
the Cannonball Run Pub in Wyoming,
New York. In his spare time—there's little
af it these days—Yates organizes the on-
nual 8000-mile One Lap of America en-
durance rally and recently completed a
biography of Enza Ferrari, due aut soon.

PLAYBOY'S PICK OF THE PACK

VOLKSWAGEN CORRADO LAMBORGHINI DIABLO
Hottest Sports GT Under $20,000 Coolest Wheels for a High School

LEXUS LS 400 VOLKSWAGEN PASSAT GL

Smartest Four-Door Sedan Over Sharpest Four-Door Sedan Under
$20,000

CHRYSLER MINIVANS MAZDA MX-5 MIATA
Most Improved Old Model Sexiest Cor for Your Girlfriend

PORSCHE 911 TURBO PORSCHE TIPTRONIC
Most Fun to Drive Niftiest New Feature

DODGE STEALTH MITSUBISHI 3000GT
Top All-Wheel-Drive Wheels

em
Bi u)

LOTUS ELAN CITROEN XM
Ultimate Convertible Most Anticipated Futuristic Wheels

gap?” Stevens: “I almost voted for the
Infiniti Q45, because 1 like its quick ac-
celeration and snazzy exterior door han-
dles, but I've got to go with the LS 400.
It's just so damn competent.” St. James
preferred the Lincoln Continental for its
comfort, roominess and reliability of
service. Frank chose the Ford Taurus
SHO, “because when you compare its
twenty-two-thousand-dollar price with
the forty-something-and-up competi-
tion, the SHO seems like a winner.”

Sharpest Four-Door Sedan Under
$20,000: The aerodynamic Volkswagen
Passat won top marks from Lamm, who
felt that “there's something special about
this sedan that separates it from the rest,
and it's a difference I like—a bit tighter
and more tightly sprung than the
Japanese or American cars without be-
ing hard or rough. And the pricing
[about $15,000 base] makes the Passat a
relative bargain.” Stevens agreed, com-
menting on its quick acceleration, taut
steering and the fact that “you dont
have to be a relative of Billy Barty to be
comfortable in the back seat." Yates and
St. James praised the Ford Escort GT.
Yates: "So it ain't American; the Escort
[designed by Mazda for Ford] is a plucky
litle chugger for the low-rent crowd.
Just stay off Park Place and Broadway."
Tell that to St. James, who feels that “the
Escort is a first-class compact I'd go any-
where in. I like the straightforward, pre-
cise way it gets around." Gross's vote
went to the new Saturn, because he felt
“GM has taken a clean sheet of paper
and come up with a stylish, twin-cam
small sedan packed with high-tech fea-
tures." Although he hadn't driven the
Saturn, Frank liked the concept: "The
Saturn's from by-Gawd Tennessee," he
observed. "Why not a little chauvinism, a
little jingoism, for a change?"

Most Improved Old Model: Half our
panel came through loud and dear for
Chrysler's minivan make-over. Stevens
called it “a great redo. Even the direc-
tional signal feels right. Go for a black
short-wheel based Dodge with all-wheel
drive, ABS brakes and dark windows
and be somcbody." Lamm also opted for
the minivan, saying, "Chrysler has
owned this market segment and will
keep its share. As technically interesüng
as the Toyota Previa may be, all family
vans should be as simple and logical as
the Chryslers.” Yates concurred: “The
Chrysler vans are radically refined, and
they don't look like monorail locomo-
tives, either." St. James touted the Lin-
coln Town Car. "The old Town Car was
pretty heavy and antiquated. Now it's
got a stronger V8 and improved han-
dling. The boat no more!" Gross chose
the Porsche 911 Turbo: "Since they've
been working on the 911 for twenty-sev-
en years, you can bet they've got it
right." "Quielly American," said Frank
about the 5.0 Mustang, pointing out that.
"it has evolved from the most lackluster,

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

PLAYBOY

198

mont-
car of the
for
ing torque

the buck and great for sa
hunger.”

Sexiest Car for Your Girlfriend
(Boyfriend): In this category, last year's
Most Fun to Drive winner, the. Mazd:
a, pulled slightly ahead of the pa
“If you've got a
10 buy a Jaguar X
Otherwise, s still the sexiest
skircover-the-knees car going. Just
make sure your girl looks good in the
wind." Frank agreed, saying, "My girl
bought a Miata,” but he also liked Buick's
Reatta. “It's what all those blue-haired
ladies in Beverly Hills who own 5605Ls

mine likes sports cars and she cz
a stick shift. The quick, slick MR? is an
obvious choice for a lead-foot lady.”
Lamm said his girlfriend “is a tall, leggy
blonde whose hair looks terrific in the
wind. The Mercu wouldn't be
fast enough lor her, and she'll never be
old enough for a Reatta, no matter how
old she is. She also has a practical streak,

Toyota Celica convertible—
ation of open-air fun and
long-term. re Yates liked the
Capri, saying, Mricnd is half
as cute as this liule nugget, you're a real
winner." Si plit her vote between
the Jaguar Vanden Plas sedan and the
Lincoln Continental. “Since I will proba-
bly be riding in his car," she points out,
“both my choices are elegant, and each
offers a very comfortable ride.

Most Fun to Drive: Porsche's born-
n, superquick 911 Turbo was the
Says Lamm, "If you like your
n fast and dramatic, the Porsche is the
only answer, provided you know how to
control it.” Yates agreed: “Is there any-
thing to replace sudden, terminal un-
dersteer as the ultimate thrill behind the
wheel?” Stevens hadn't driven the 911
Turbo yet but said he'd have to vote for
ome lunatic tried to buy a
I was testing at seventy-
a hour, heading north from
"How much? TI buy it" he
ming through the open win-
dow of his Chevy Suburban. 1f I'd been
driving a 911 Turbo, he probably would.
have run me off the road and included
his wife in the deal." St. James voted for

so I'd pick
a great combi

Chicago.
kept sere:

“We keep coming back to leather lingerie, don't we?”

the Escort GT, calling i
weekend warrior lor autocrossing.”
praised Alfa-Romeo's new 164: “A
Italian confection th turns
nd handles like a spo
k chose the Acu
adding that the Toyota MR2
nice enough car, but rumor has
final suspension tuning was done by
Toyota's legal department
Niftiest New Feature: Ihe majority
our panel's votes went to Porsche
Tiptronic automatic transmission. S;
Yates, "Very clever, those Germans. Un-
like dozens of pretenders of yore, this
one wo You can actually shift the
Tiptronic manually or let it ride
T oss called it "the fin
n ever devi a
sports c : "You've got
to drive Tiptronic to believe it. Porsche
has made the clutch pedal the necker
knob of the Nineties.” Frank: “Tiptronic
is the first automatic transmission that
doesn't trade the virtues of a manual for
pure sloth and an atrophied left leg."
Lamm and St. James were impres:
with the NSX's all-aluminu
chassis. Lam: Honda has tal
minum out of the doors-deck.
only category. Some Ferra
hand-bu luminum bodies, b
Acura ha inum construc-
tion a realit
Top All-Wheel-Drive Wheels: Those
two sexy, not-quite-identical twins, the
Dodge Stealth and ihe Mitsubishi
3000GT, drove away with top honors 1
fates: “If Porsche or Fer-
le these things, we'd all be
state of rapture. All they lack is a
name plate for the status slaves.
"The Stealth design is a bit simpl
prefer the speed
on the 3000GT
ceous coupes claw the road like a pair of
cheetahs.” Stevens also cast his vote lor
the Stealth and the 3000GT but liked
the Ford Explorer, too, calling it
good-old-boy-mobile—big, — fast and
looking for a good The Ed

a great little

between H
Ryan." St. James also picked the
Explorer: “It’s a classy work horse that
can handle all kinds of terrain." Frank
voted for the Range Rov he only
car in the sort-ol-macho four-wheel-drive
group thats good to drive and good t

ride in.” Lamm, however, preferred the
Toyota Land Cruiser, saying that "a
number of other machines ne so-

phisticated, but il you want to bounce off
a canyon wall, go skiing in Colorado
or—sorry, Range Rover—even go to the
opera, this is the one in which to do it”

Ultimate Convertible: Half our panel
picked the new Lotus Elan roadster, de-
spite its relatively high price (about
$39,000) and limited lability. Lamn
said, "You can't really appreciate the
Elan until you've driven it. Not only

does it handle like a Lotus, with no
Iront-wheel-drive ill cffecis, but the car
is sooo smooth.” Gross observed that the
nistic British car magazines “did
backilips over the Elan despite its Isuz
based engine.” Stevens thought “it took
guts to bring out a small convertibl
"s more than twice the price of a M
arself coming and

fates and St. James
y Yates: “It's

s kind of nerdy under the hood,

but so was last year’s cuddliest ragtop.

ames found the Capris
and there's room 10
transport small friends legally in its back
seat.” Frank couldn't decide between the
Geo Metro ("it's a better. highway
than I expected”) and the Buick Re a
(“Not good enough for all those bucks,
but still preity nice"). He still longs fc
1948 Buick Roadmaster,

Most Anticipated Futuristic Wheels:
Ihe Citroen XM tied with the new Mer-
cedes-Benz 500 E in this category. but
¡ce Stevens, the editor in charge of this
feature, owns a 1970 DS 21 Pallas C
troén, guess which one is pictured on
page 196. Stevens’ comment: “I like C
troéns. They're so outré. But then, I like
the New York Yankees and burning the
roof of my mouth. It will be good to see
the old double chevron back on Ameri-
ames gave Citroen a
aded compliment, saying, “The
were so ugly I cant wait to see
what they'll come up with next.” The
rest of our panel opted for Mercedes-

old one:

Benzes to come. “I've driven the 500 E,

said Lamm, "and i's a rocket. I'd actual-
ly like two—one for
keep in Ge
runs.” Frank s

here and one to
lor those autobahn
The 500 E has every-
thing I want in a sedan except its Beck
dio. 1 wonder if installing the Bose
from the NSX would cause the Mer-
cedes’ Bosch electrics to hemorrhage.”
Gross and Yates look foi Lto the new
Mercedes S-Class. “It's going to be the
baddest Benz ever,” said Gross. "Twelve
cylinders and four hundred horsepow-
ers worth of German engineering.
finished in leather and walnut. Definite-
tyles of the Rich and Famous con-
Is. wondering.
ng the ante by
the day, can the Germans call their blulf
in this high-stakes >
here you auto panelists’
picks for 1991. They don't always agree
on individual models, but they do agree
on this much: Despite uncertainty over
fuel prices, competition among the
world's auto makers has never been
Americ
urers are responding to the €
lengers from Japan with dozens of
interesting new models. And th
antees some bargains in

ket place. Happy hu

ly a L

BUCKEYE BEAUTY

(continued from page 124)

told me that if I had pati
what 1 was dreaming about.

After breezing successfully through
the s Sunburst contests, a series of
privately sponsored pageants in which
Stacy got to the national finals and
bbed first-runner-up honors in both
the beauty and the talent categori
country music is her thing—the Arthurs
set their sights on the big show: the Mis.
Ohio pageant. She easily bested 28 other
contestants in the finals and was instante
ly catapulted to local stardom. Sidney
even declared a Stacy Arthur D;

Which is where we came in. “Jim and 1
went to Chicago on this little modeling
job I'd booked, and while I was there, I
id, "We can't waste this trip. Let's call
Playboy. So 1 made the call and said,
"Look, I don’t want a lot of time, I just
want to do test shots, OR? They said,
“All right, come on in. What was sup-
posed to be a fifteen-minute test lasted
almost an hour

"| couldn't believe it when I was
accepted as Playmate of the Month, Ever

ce, Vd get

fanery €

MURPHY

h school, 1 had fantas
being in the magazine. Even my first
boylriend, Todd Becktal, predicted Ud
be a Playmate one day—and I was only
thirteen! But I never thought it would
actu

ed about

lly happen. This is another lifelong
dream come true.”

So today, the Arthur houschold has
become Stacy Central. In the foyer are
32 trophies, one crown and a scept
Stacy's. spoils from just over a year
of pageantry competition; unopened
mail and magazines (Popular Ceramics,
Pageantry and Playboy. to name three)
pile up on the kitchen

; videos of

ormances sing from
the TV, And manning the phones is Jim,
handling an endless stream of calls in
which he hopes to persuade local spon
sors to ride tlie wave of Stacymania all
the way to Moscow.

“We're asking everyone to pitch in,”
says Stacy, beaming. "After all, this could
be the first time anyone brings the Mrs.
America title to Ohio."

You have our vote, Stacy We'll be
watching,

"Season s greetings, Ed... . Management has
asked me to tell you that due to a drop in corporale

earnings this year there won't be any Christmas bonus.

Season's

greetings, Jim. . . . Management has asked me. . . ."

198

PLAYBOY

200

US, Postal Service statement of ownership, management and
circalation. 1. Tile of putlicatior: Playboy, Publication no:

22008 2. Dato of Bling: Octdber 1. 1990. 3 Frequency of
issue: Monthly. A. No. of issues published annually: 12: B.
Annual subscription price: $26, 4. Complete mailing address
of known ofice of publication: 680 N. Lake Share Dr, Chicago,
Conk County, M. 6061-4402. § Completo mailing ndáreus of
the besdquarters of general business offices of the publisher:
640 N. Lake Shore Dr, Chicago, Cook County. IIL 60611-4402.
6. Namen and complete addresses of publisber, editor and man-
ning editor: Publisher, Michael S. Perla, 747 Third Ave, New
York, NY. 10017. Editor in-Chiel, Hugh M. Hefner, 8560 Sunset.
Blvd. Los Angeles, Calif. 90069; Editorial Director. Artbur
Kretchmer.680N Lake Shore Dr. Chicago, I. 6061. 7 Owner:
Playboy Enterprisen, Inc. 680 N. Lake Shore Dr. Chiengo, IIl

061. Stockholders owning or holding one percent or more of
total amount of stock: Hugh M. Hefner, 8560 Sunset Blvd., Los
Angeles, Calif. 90068; Playboy Enterprises, In. Office of the
renoncer, 680 N. Lake Shore Dr, Chicego, M. GI: Industrie
Equity (Pacific) Ld. 7825 Fay Ave. Suite 380, La Jolla, Calf
92037: Connor Clark & Co, Lid, Scotia Plaza, 40 King St W.,

Suite IIO, Box 125, Toronto, Ontario MSHAY2, Canada; Di-
mensional Fund Advisors, Inc, 1299 Ocenn Ave, Suite 650,
Santa Monica. C

‘904018. Known bondholders. mortgages
and other security holders owning or holding one percent or
more of tot amount of bonds, mortgages or other securities:
‘None. 9. For completion by nonprofit organizations authorized
to mall at special ratem Not applicable 10 Extent and nature
of circulation: Average no. copien each im during preceding
12 months: A. Total no. copien, 4764325; B. Paid circulation. (1)
Sales through dealers and carniers, treet vendor» and counter.
soles, 815,550, 2) Mail mubscripticn, 2,591,092; C. Total paid
circulation, 2,442,651; D. Free distribution by mail, carrier or
other means, samples, complimentary and other free copies,
211460, E. Total distritution, A660111; F: Copies not dintribut-
04.1 Office uae, beft over, unaccounted, spoiled after printing.
12:300, (2) Returns from news agenta. 1,091,514; G. Total
4764.325. Actual no. copies of single issue published nearest
ling date: A. Total no. copies, 4,554,103; B. Paid circulation, (1)
‘Seles through dealers and carriers, street vendors and counter
sales, 821,000, 2) Mail subscriptions, 2,614,000: C. Total paid
circulation, 2425,000 D. Free distribution by mail, carrier ar
‘other means. samples, complimentary and other free copien,
181,040, E. Total distribution, 4616040; F Copies mot distribu
ed. 1) Office use. left over. unaccounted. spoiled after printing,
13.485, (2) Returns from news agents, 924571; G. Total,
4,584,105, I. I certify (hat the statements made by tre above
mre correct and complete. Jemen P Eadihe, Senior Viee-Preat
dent ard General Manager,

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JAZZ AND ROCK

(continued fram page 116)

sophisticated nine-piece band had been
paid for the entire night. “They had the
stuff the people wanted.” said Handy
“T touched the spot.” Possibly the one in
s wallet.

In 1912. Handy wrote and published
The Memphis Blues, one ol the first pieces
of sheet music with “Blues” in the title.
This was followed in 1914 by the
Louis Blues, which became a huge n
tionwide hit. To achieve this success,
Handy, a black man himself, made the
blues “whi '—since wh the
main paying audience for this sheet mu
sic and since true “blue notes" could not
be reproduced on the piano, which was
too orderly and European an instru-
ment. Handy was more ola popularizer
of the music, but he
helped put the blues into the musical
mainstream.

The blues came from the sticks. Be-
tween 1890 and 1910, there was a sig-
niheant migration to the Mississippi
countryside by Southern blacks who
went to the logging and turpentine
camps, and to plantations such as the
Dockery Farms in the Mississippi Delta.
looking for wor
t among the many major
league bluesmen associated with. Dock-
ery's was Charley Patton. Like so many
other musicians from poor back-
grounds, he had figured out early that
singing and playing guitar, drinking a
little whiskey and having the girls chase
after him—and getting paid fc sure
beat sweating in the fields all day picking
cotton. By all accounts, he liked to party.
100 much for his own good—just like
Buddy Bolden. But also like Bolden, he
pur his own mark on the music

Patton influenced a string of younge
players, including Roebuck Staples, fa
ther of the Gospel group the Staple
Singers; growlin' Howlin’ Wolf; “Bukka”
Wh ce on the young Bob
"Son" House; Robert John-
son—whose records had a big impact
on the Rolling Stones and Eric Clap-
ton—and "Blind Lemon” Jefferson,
born in Texas in 1897, who passed
through. Dockery's and eventually land-
ed in Chicago, dying there at the age of
33, another heavy drinker gone carly,
leaving behind 81 sides he recorded in
just four y Jefferson, in turn.
influenced Leadbelly Lighmin"
Hopkins

They all learned from Charley Patton
on or near the Dockery Farms—though
Johnson sometimes claimed he got his
licks from the Devil. The Dockerys, how-
ever kind as employers, were not par
ticularly affected. by the powerful,
poignant music around them. Rober
Palmer, in Deep Blues, quotes Keith Som-
merville Dockery, who was married to
Joe, son of Will Dockery, the original

than a creator

Promin

"None of us really gave much
shi to this blues thing. ... We never
heard these people sing. We were never
the type of plantation owners who invit-
ed their help to come in and sing for
parties. | wish we had realized that these
people were so important.

Palmer quotes Joe Dockery, speaking
in the insensitive diction of the time
“Now, the blues was a Saturday-night
deal. The crap games started about
noon Saturday, and then the niggers
would start getting drunk. I've seen n
gers stumbling around all over this place
on a Saturday afternoon, And then
they'd have fretin and fightin’ scrapes
that night and all the next day. They
made their own moonshine and all that
kind of stuff. And. of course, some of
them would end up in jail.
Dockery added: “Now, Charley Patton
as around playing on Saturday nig!
or going from plantation to plantation, a

new woman here, a new woman there,

just having a party, Daddy could have

told you more about that, because he

closer to it. 1 think they had to get

Charley Patton out of jail half the time.”
.

“L personally invented jazz in
1902." Jelly Roll Morton told Lomax.
He irked people with his bragging
though even his enemies admitted that
he could gene whether
at the pool table or on the p

Jelly Roll's was a New Orleans Creole

family. As a schoolboy, he spoke French
and was given music lessons—starting
with jews-harp and guitar—and played

in string bands by the time hie was seven
A about the age of ten, he started play-
g piano, which he had avoided at first
because it was thought of as a ladies?
strument. He said he was inspired to
play it by attending a recital at a French
opera house

By the time he was 15, he was playing
el-house piano at various joints
‘ound town. When his grandmothe:
found out that he was working as a
piano professor in a whorehouse, she
threw him out. Barely a teenager, Jelly
Roll was on his own, leading the sport-
ing life.

He also used to play in parades that
were literally baules of the bands. The
“second line” marched in the parade,
“armed with sticks and bottles and base
ball bats ready to fight the foe when
they reached the dividing line [between
two wards],” he told Lomax, “There was
so many jobs for musicians in these pa-
rades that mu ans didn't ever like to
leave New Orleans."

But Jelly Roll did. He was a ramblin?
man, one of the first New Orleans mu
cians to begin spreading this new music
around the country.

He was a ladies” m;
ticular favorite among the red-light
women of New Orleans. One of his
songs goes: "Never had no one woman

too, and a par-

PLAYBOY

202

at a time
or nine.”

For a while, Morton's primary profes-
sion was as a pool hustler. He would get
himself into some new joint as the piano
player, lay back as the local sharps tried
to cut one another at the pool table, then
go in when the bening got good and
take all their money—at least thats the
way he told it, as proud of his pool hus-
ling as of his piano playing.

He traveled all over—passing through
Chicago in 1912, playing clubs in “the
Section” around 35th and State—and.
going as far as California, where in 1917,
with a woman “friend” (who probably
gave him the famous diamond that went
back and forth from his front tooth to
the pawnshop), he set modest little
hotel/club/brothel i nd did busi-
ness there until 1922.

If this was the jazz he personally in-
vented, he was not the first to record it.
That honor ironically went, in 1917, toa
white group called the Original Dix-
ieland Jazz Band
On Febru: 26, 1917," notes jazz
historian James Lincoln Colli
white New Orleans musicians went into
the Victor studios in New York City and
made the first jazz record. It was the sin-
gle most sign nt in the history
of jazz. Before this record was issued,
jazz was an obscure folk music played
mainly by a few hundred blacks and a
ndiul of whites in New Orleans, and
d elsewhere. Within weeks alt
er this record was issued, jazz was a na-

ional craze and the five white musicians
were famous. . . . The first record sold
more than a million copies, an extraor-
dinary accomplishment for those days.

By 1917, when the Navy shut down
Storyville and the so-called Diaspora
from New Orleans had begun, a new
generation of players was coming along.
Ihe most prominent among them.
Freddie Keppard. Sidney Bechet and
Louis Armstrong, were barely born
when Bolden, Jelly Roll Mc
other older “heads” were first cooking
up jazz.

Keppard was a teenaged phe-
nomenon. He formed his Olympia Or-
chestra in 1905—at the age of 16—and
quickly assumed the cornet throne aft-
er Bolden blew his brains away. He took
the first New Orleans band on the road,
heading west in 1913 and putting to-
gether the Original Creole R:
Band with the help of bassist Bill John-

on, who had left New Orleans f
four years earlier, The band
with the Orpheum Theater vaude
circuit and played up and dow

Lalways had six, seven, eight

“five

rar

ton and

the
West Coast umil 1915, when Keppard
took the outfit, by then known as the

Original Creole Orchestra, to Chicago—
which, thanks to the migration of South-
em blacks, had become a magnet for
this music from down the

On the circuit, Keppard played New
York City, where the Victor label offered.
him the chance to become the first
recorded. jazz artist. He turned. down
the opportunity for artistic reasons,
finding the Victor reps “too busi-
nesslike” and fearing, according to
Bechet, that if he accepted the contract,
“the music wouldn't be for pleasure
more.” A more likely version has

that
he thought making records would make

it too easy for people to steal his music
Whatever the r „the white Original
land Jazz Band made the first jazz
record shortly afterward.

Becher also ded in New York
around that time. A child prodigy, he
was born in 1897, and Keppar
m playing clarinet at a party when
Bechet was six years old. Before long,
Becher was playing occasionally with
Frankie Dusen’s Eagle band—Dusen
1 taken it over al Bolden went
crazy—and by 1917 was a regular at
Guidrey and Allen's Cabaret on Perdido
Street

“He was widely known for his beau
ful tone and brilliant ideas,” says Samuel
B. Charters in Jazz: New Orleans,
1585-1963. “He would usually show up
for the job drunk, and without his horn.
Somebody would go out and borrow
one for him, and one night, they came
back with an E-Hat clarinet [instead of
the standard B-flat]. He played the
whole night with it, transpe
thing as he went along.”

Bechet went to Chicago in the sum
mer of 1917 and was discovered there
by the bandleader Will Marion Cook
He moved to New York with Cook's
Southern Syncopated Orchestra in 1919
and then toured Europe, where he in-
troduced jazz improvisation to audi
ences amazed at the music that had
sprung up in the US. In the years just
after World War One. there was hardly a
major U.S. city—or a minor one—that
didn’t have a jazz band.

The shutting down of Storyville in
1917 was onc n the
spread of jazz. It. put batches of musi-
cans out of regular jobs and forced
them to seek work elsewhere—in many
cases, outside New Orleans. Simultane-

y every-

relevant. factor

ously, a general migration north was tak-
ing place among Southern blacks
imulated by World War One, new big

ctories promised work and freedom
from discrimination in Northern cities
such as Chicago, which was pretty much
straight up the river by railroad. from
New Orleans, an easy ticket.

So, out of need and a natural desire
for a bener social deal, black jazz musi-
cians began leaving town around the
time that Storyville was shut down.

The case of young Louis Armstrong
was typical. Born in 1900, he grew up in
a rough, uncertain environment, His fa-
ther drifted away and his mother lived

with a succession of "stepfathers"—some
kind, some not. Young Armstrong was a
goodhearted, likable guy. In the autobi-
ography of his early New Orleans years
Satchmo, he finds something good to sav
about practically everyone and every-
thing he did—even reminiscing, fondly
about picking thre nt gar-
ba

gh restau

cans.

He even got something out of reform
school. On New Year's Day, 1913, 13-
year-old strong celebrated by bor-
rowing his current stepfather's 38 pistol
and firing it into the air in the street, For
this relatively mild infraction, he was put
into the Colored. Wails’ Home—some-
thing James Collier suggests may have
been an act of kindness on the judge's
part to get Armstrong away [rom his
rugged home life and the poverty and
| around him
later the home,
s more like a health center
or a boarding school than a boys’ jail."

While at the Waifs’ Home, an instrue-
tor took a liking to him and soon he was
made a bugler. quickly moving from that
instrument to the cornet, until he traded.
it in the ‘Twenties for the brighter-
sounding trumpet. He was sprung from
the home by his father when he was
16—largely, it seems, to become a baby
sitter for his father's current house-
hold—and fell into the usual musician's
lor: working varions day jobs as a labo
er, most often coal hauler, and at
night playing gigs in Storyville joints
and elsewhere

A some point, he began hanging out
where the Kid Ory band, regarded as
tops in town, was playing, with King
Oliver on cornet. Oliver took a liking to
the younger Armstrong, and that friend-
ship was 10 change forever the history of
jazz. In 1918, Armstrong was in pianist
Fate Marable's band, playing the excur-
sion boats on the Mississippi—where
g Bix Beiderbecke met him while
the boat was tied up in Davenport,
lowa—and getung an occasional chance
to stretch out on a jazz number or two.
But in that same year, King Oliver took
off for Chicago and Armstrong was
hired by Ory as his replacement. 1
very few years, rong had become
the first virtuoso jazz soloist, rising out
of the largely ensemble improvising of
the time,

When Oliver got on the train for
Chicago, Armstrong was at the station to
say so long. They didn't see cach other
again for four y But when Oliver
called in 1922 and urged Armstrong to
join him in what had become Chicago's
houest ensemble, it signaled the begin-
g of something new—the ascendancy
of the virtuoso soloist and a decade that
would be known as the Jazz Age.

said of

youi

nid

THE BOGIMAN

(continued from page 108)

gradually acquired solidity and pr
nce, Ar the beginning of her two
nonths with Connor, the wife was a neg-
gible shadow. Julie wasn't even that
interested in going through Connor's
waller to look for family photos while he
was out of the way in the shower.

She didn't bother then, but she has

bothered since. Tucked behind the driv-
ers nse there's the whole family
group, in color, taken on the lawn in
summer: the wife, huge in a flowered
dress and squinting; the three boys, with
Connor's red hair, squinting also; the
dog, a black Labrador that knew betrer
than to look at the sun, its tongue out
and drooling, The ordinariness, the
plainness of this picture offends Julie
deeply. It interferes with he
Connor, with his status as romantic iso-
late; it diminishes him, and it has made
Julie feel, for the first time, cheap and
furtive. Extraneous, auxiliary. IF they
were all on a troika and the wolves were
gaining, she has no doubt—looking at
the dog. the redheaded kids, the subur-
ban lawn—that she herself would be the
irst to be hurled off. pared with
those upper arms emerging from the
short sleeves of the wile’ d dress—
those laundry-toting, | child-whacking
ns— Julie, with her long dark pirate's
and her 24-inch waist, is a frill.
I very well lor Connor to say that
his wife doesn't understand him. This
hefty, squinting woman looks as if she al-
ready understands a great deal too
much. If she and Julie were to meet, she
would not take Julie seriously. She
would glance at julie. merely glance.
and then she would chuckle, and Julie
would shrivel away to nothing

Homely is the word. That is the wile's
ace up the sleeve, her insurance policy.
Even though she looks like a truck tire,
she has the territory staked out. She has
the home. She has the house, she has the
garage, she has the doghouse and the
dog to put mto it, She has Connor's chil-
dren, forming together with them a sin-
gle invincible monster with four heads
and 16 arms and legs, She has the cup-
board where Connor hangs his clothes

nd the washing machine where his
socks whirl on washdays. ridding them-
selves of the lint they've picked up from
the bath mats in the motel rooms he ha
shared with Julie. Motels are a no-man's
d: They are not a territory, they can-
not be defended. Julic has Connor's sex-
ual attention, but the wife has €

Julie has knitted enough for one day:
she rolls the newly begun second sleeve
around the needles and tucks it into her
tapestry bag. She decides to walk out to
the bog to find Connor. She has not seen
the bog before; she has not seen the bog
man. She has picked up the impression

idea of

from Connor that she would be in the
way. Even he has dropped the pretense
that she is an assistant in any real sense.
She runs the risk of being treated as an
interruption, but it’s a risk she is now
willing to take. Boredom is the mother
of invention

She picks up her shoulder bag from
the chipped dressing table, peers at her-
self in the decaying mirror, pushing her
hair back off her face. She is getting that
less look. She ferrets in the closet for
incoar, stufls her Gitanes into her
pocket, closes and locks the door and
descends the stairs, skirting the cleaning
woman, who gives her a baleful gla
and heads out into the mist

She knows where the bog is: everyone
knows. It takes her half an hour to walk
there, along the road that is so old it has
cut itself into the land like a rut. Connor
goes there in a car that has been rented
in Edinburgh by one of the other ar-
chacologisis. No hope renting a car in
this town.

The bog does not look much like a
bog. It looks more like a damp field; tall
grasses grow on it, small shrubs. The
chocolate-brown scars of the peat cut-
tings open into it here and there. [t
would have been more watery in the
days of the bog man; more like a lake.
More convenient for drowning,

Connor is over by a roughly con-
structed tarpaulin sheher. There's an-
other man with him, and several othe
out on the bog surface, fooling around
in the peat cutting, Julie supposes, to sec
what other buried treasures may come
to light. Julie says hello but does not oth-
erwise account for her presence. Let
Connor explain it. Connor gives her a
quick annoyed glance

How did you get here?" he says,
she has dropped from the sky.

“Walked,” says Juli

“Ab, the vigor of youth,” says the oth-
with a smile, He's fairly young
himself, or anyway, younger than Con-
nor, a tall blond Norwegian, Another ar-
chacologist. He looks like something out
of a viking movie. The metallic scent of
rivalry is in the air.

“Julie is my assistant,” Connor says.
The Norwegian knows better.

“Ah, yes,” he says mockingly. He gives
Julie a bone-crushing handshake, gazing
into her eyes while she flinches. "Did I
hurt you?" he asks tenderly
lan I see the bog man?" |
The Norwegian expresses mock sur-
prise that she has not done so already,
a assistant like her. With a proprietary
he was in the arca, he got there
right after che Scots, he beat Connor to
it—he ushers Julie into the tent.

The bog man is lying on a piece of
anvas, curled on his side. His hands
have deli, slender fingers, each finger-

s if

print intact. His face is a little sunken in
but perfectly preserved; vou can see ev-
ery pore. His skin is dark brown. The

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203

204

bristles of his beard and the wisps of hair
that escape from under his leather hel-
met are an alarming bright red. The col-
ors are the effects of the tannic acid in
the bog, Julie knows that. But still. it is
hard to picture h color
His eyes are closed.

lcep. however: I

m as any orh

He does

dead or even a

he seems to be med
ing: His lips slightly pursed. a furrow ol
deep thought runs between his eves.
Wound his neck is the twisted. double
cord used t mgle him. His two cutoll
feet have been placed alv beside him.
like slippers waiting to be put on

For à moment, Julie leeks this digging
up. this unearthing ol him, as a desecra-
tion. Surely, there should be bound.
pon the wish to know, on. knowl-
edge merely for its own sake. This m
is being invaded. Bur the moment
es, and Julie goes ou of the Maybe
she looks a hule green in the fice: Alter
all. she has just seen a dead body. When
she lights a cigarette, her hands are
shaky, The Norwegian gives her a solici-
tous look and places a hand beneath her
elbow. Connor does like this.

The three men who have been out at
the pe » one Scottish
physical anthropologist and wo. work-
men with peat-cuning spades. Lunch is
proposed. The workmen have brought
Their own and stay to guard the tent.
The archacologists and Julie get imo the
Norwegian's remedo car There's no
place to cat except the pub. so that
where they go.

ies

cuni

vet

For lunch. Julie has br

which is the sa

the flabby Scotch e
el. fat-s:

Land cheese.
alot safer than

question is. to which goddess? And at
which solstice? Was he bumped off ai the
winter solstice, to make rhe sun return,
ov at the summer solstice, to make the
crops prosper? Or perhaps in spring or
fall? An examination of the stomach—
which they intend to remove, not here
nd now but kuer in Edinburgh—will
reveal clues. Seeds, grains and the like.
This has been done with all the other
bog people who have been found. those
who still had stomachs. Julie is just as
glad she has stuck to the bread and
cheese

"some have said
talk.” says the Ne
Julie. Many of his remarks have been
delrcssed to Connor but aimed ar her.
Under the table, he lays a hand, briefly.
pon her knee. “But these bog men
have many wonderlul secrets to tell us.
However they are shy, like other men.
They don't know how to convey their
message. They must have a liile help.

the dead cannot

im. twinkl

we;

Some encouragement, Dont vou
agree?
Julie doesn't answer. There's no way

she can answer without. participating
beneath Connors very nos 1 what
amounts to a Magrant proposition. Its a
possibility: or would be, if she weren't in
love with Connor

“Perhaps such things as sion
ist vou?" says the Norwegian
ol the flesh,
either” He

Julie smiles and lights a Gitane. “Oh,
do you have a wile?” she says brightly
780 does Connor, Maybe the two of vou
can discuss vour wives.”

She doesnt know why she has just
said this. She doesut look at Connor. but
she can [eel his anger coming at her like
heat from a stove. She gathers up her
purse and coat, still smiling, and walks

ichs dis-
Things
ot like them,

My wile does ı

wives her a hye

out of the room. Whars running
through her head is one of the first ax
ioms Brom logic: A dug cannot be both self

and nonself at the same time, She has never
been convinced by this, and now she is
even less so.

Connor does not follow her to her
room. He doesnt reappear all afier-
noon. Julie knits and reads, knits and
smokes. She's waiting. Something has
changed. she has changed something
but she doesnt yet know what

When C
down, he's morose. He says nothing
about her piece of rudeness. He says
nothing much at all. They have dinner
with the Norwegian and the Scot, and
the three ol them talk about the bog
man's leet. In some of these cases, the
feet have been tied together, to keep
the dead from walking. returning to the
land of the living. fo s
other reason, But nor in this instance: or
they think not. The cutting of of the
iy di fered with some
thing, of course. Ropes, thongs.

The Norwegi r firing
the looks he gives her are speculative, as
il ihere is more to her than he thoug
and hed like to know what, Julie doesn't
care, She cats her ossified lamb. chop
and says nothing. She thinks of the bog
man, under his tarpaulin, Of all ol them
ar this moment, she would rather. be
with him. He is of more interest.

She excuses. herself before dessert
Connor, she thinks, will stay down there,

mor does show up. afier

fee

ve inte

n is no lc

drinking beer in the pub. and he does
.
bound 10:30, he knocks on Julie's

door as usual, then cc lie is al-

mes in. J
ready in bed, propped up on the pil-
lows, knitting. She has been sure he will
come. but also not sure, She shoves the
wool and needles ino her tapestry bag
and waits to see what he will do.

Connor does not say anytl
takes olf his sweater, drapes it over the
back ol the chair, undoes deliberately
the buttons of his shirt. He is not looking
at Julie bur into the wavering. patchy
ass of the dressing-table mirror. His
reflection there has a watery look. as if a
lake bonom with decaying leaves on it is

visible in glimpses beneath him, beneath
his face and the whiter skin of his torso.
In this light. his red hair has faded. “Um
getting love handles,” he says. slapping
his belly. This room flattens his beautiful
voice. mullles it. "The curse ol the mid-
dle-aged I he's angry with
he's not going to mention it. They
go on as if nothing has happened.
Maybe nothing has

That's tine with her. She smiles. “No,
you arent” she says. She doesn’t like
him doing this, Hes not supposed to
examine hinisell mirrors or think
about his appearance. Men are not sup-
posed to.

Connor gives her a reproachtul
glance. “One of these days.”
oll

he says.

youre going to rum off with some
young stud."

He has said such things before, about
Julie's future lovers. Julie has not paid
much attention. Now she does. Is
about the Norwegian, is he lookin
reassurance? Does he want to hear from
her that he is still voung? Or is he telling
her something real? Julie has never be-
fore thought of him as middle-aged. but
now she can see that there might be a

diflerence between her idea of him and

his own idea of himself.

He climbs into the sagging bed with
something like a sigh of resignation, He
smells of beer and pub smoke. "You're
wearing me out.” he says. He has said
this before, also. and Julie has taken it as
a sexual compliment: But he means it

Julie turns. out the bedside lamp.
Once she wouldn't have bothered: once
she wouldn't have had time. Once Con-
nor would have turned it back on. Now
he does nor. He does not need to sec
her, she has been seen enough

Mediratively and without ardor, he be
gins to run his hand along her: knee to
thigh to hip, hip to knee. Julie lies sullly,
eyes wide open. The wind gusts through
the cracks around the window, handfuls
ot ram are thrown mst the gla
Light seeps in from under the door, and
from the few street lamps outside: In it,
the dressing-table mirror. gleams like
Connor is a bulk beside her. His
stroking does not excite her. It irritates
her. like sandpaper. like the kncadir
paws ofa
demoted, against her will. What 1
has been sell-abandonm.

She feels that she has been

her
nt. to him has

been merely sin, Grubby sin, sin of a
small order. Cheating. Now he leels
pped by it, She is no longer a desire
for him, she is a duty

"E think we should ger married,” says
Julie. She has no idea where these words
have come Irom. But ves, this is what she
thinks

Connor's hand stops. Then it's with-
drawn suddenly. as if Julie's body is hot,
hot as coals, or else cold; as if Connor
has found himself in bed with a mer-
maid, all scales and fishy slime from the
waist down.

"What" he says, in a shocked voic
An offended voice. as if she has insulted
him.

Forget it,” says Julie. But Connor will
not be able to forget it. She has said the
unlorgenable thing, and [rom now on, it
will be hopeless. But it has been hop
less, anyway. Connor's unseen wile is in
the bed with them, where she has been
all along. Now she is materializing, tak-
ing on flesh. The springs creak with her
added weight
vers talk

hout it tomorrow,” says
Connor, He has recovered himself, he's
plotting, “I love you." he adds, He kisses
her. His mouth feels separate from hir
soft. moist, coolish. It feels like u
cooked bacon.

could use a drink." Julie says. Con-
nor keeps a flask of Scotch in his room
Grateful that she has given hi
thing to do, some small thing he can
oler her instead of what she really
wants, he clambers out of. bed, pulls
on his sweater and cords and goes in
search of i

As soon as he's our of the room, Julie
locks the door. Connor comes back. He
shakes the doorknob; he whispers and
taps, but she does not answer. She lies in
her bed, shivering with grief and ange
waiting to see whether Connor loves her
enough to kick ar the door, to shout.
Whether she’s important enough. He
does not. She is not. Alter a while, he
goes away

Julie hunches up under the mound of
«imp coverings and tries without suc-
cess to go to sleep. When at last she man-
ages it. she dreams of the bog man.
climbing im through her window, a
k. tender shape, a shape of baffled
longing. slippery with rain.

In the morning. Connor makes anoth-
er attempt. “If vou don't answer me,” he
says through the keyhole, "Ell get them
to break down the door. Ell tell
ve committed suicide.”

ate

1 some-

Di yourself”

"er

says Jul

“Julie, what did 1 do?” says Connor.
thought we were getting along so well”
He sounds truly perplexed

“We were,” says Julie. "Go away.”

She knows he will try to ambush her
in the breakfast room. She waits him
out, her stomach growling. Instead. ol
she packs her bag. glaneing from
time to time out the window, At last, she
sees him leaving for the bog in the Nor-
wegian's car, There's a noon bus that will
get her to another bus that will ger her
To a train for Edinburgh. She leaves
behind the tapestry bag and the
unfinished sweater. Is as good as a
note.

Back in Toronto, Julie pins her hair
into a brisk but demure French roll. She
buys herself a bi cotton-twill suit and

a whit and deludes the Bell
Telephone Company into hiring her as a
personnel trainee, She's supposed to
ain other women in the
job ol complaint management, She
doesn't intend to stay with this for long,
but it's good money. She rents herself a
large, empry apartment on the top floor
of a house. She has no long-term plans
Although she was the one who left Con
nor, she feels deserted by him. At night,
she lisiens 10 the radio and cooks subsist-
ence meals and cries onto her plate

Alter a while, she resumes her black
clothes, at night, and goes to folk clubs.
She no longer smokes Gitanes, because
they frighten men. She picks up with a
boy she knew slightly from her Spinoza
course. He makes a crack about window-
less monads and buys her a beer and
tells her he used to be terrified of her.
They end up in bed.

For Julie, this is like a romp with an
entire hitter of puppies. There's the same
elect of gangly enthusiasm, of wrig-
gling, of uncontrolled tongues. I's not
passionate or even sensuous, but it’s in
vigorating. Julie tells herself she's enjoy-
ing it, and she is. Or she would be
except for Connor, She wants him to
know about it, Then she would really
enjoy it. Even better would be the Nor-
wegian. She should've taken advantage
of that while she had the chance.

Connor returns at the end of August
It doesn't take long for him to track her
down

“Ive missed you.” he says. “I think we
should talk.”

“What abou
thought she w
true,

says Julie warily. She
s over him, but it isn't

“Why can't we go back to the way we
were?" he says

"Where were we?

Connor sighs. “M

says Julie.

iybe we should get

ied, after all. II divorce her.” He
ays this as if it’s being torn out of him.

Julie starts to cry. She's erying because
she no longer wants 10 marry Connor
She no longer wants him. The divinity is
going out of him, like ai. He is no
longer a glorious blimp, larger than life
and free in the heavens. Soon he will be
justa damp piece of flabby rubber. She is
mourning his collapse

"TI come right over.” says Connor, in
a pleased, consoling voice. Tears mean
he has made headway

“Na,” says Julie, and hangs up.

She puis on her black clothes, eats
quickly, finds her cigarettes, She phones
her boyish lover. She wants to pull him
over her like a blanket, hug him to her
like a stuffed animal. She wants comfort,

She goes out the door of her building
and there is Connor, waiting for her. She
has imagined him so much that she has
e. He's short-
er than she thought. he's saggier. His
eyes look sunken and also too bright, a
little wild. Is this what she has changed.
him into, or was he always like that?

” he says.

says Julie. The knees of his
brown cords are baggy. This is the only
detail Julie finds actually repulsive. The
rest just leaves her cold.

He reaches out a hand toward her
need you,” he says. It's a trite line, a line
from a mushy song, but he does need
her. Bs in his eyes. This is the worst
thing yet. It was always suppos

ed to be

CIGARET Try
Tono

hres

"Hurry it up! Do you realize how many lotteries
there are in this country?!”

PLAYBOY

206

eded him: he was supposed
to be well above such a weak thing as
need.

1 cant help it,” says Julie, She means
she cart help it that things are the way
they are, that she hersell is without fe
ing for him: but it comes eut more Iip-
pant, more pitiless, an she intended.
Jesus Christ.” says Connor. He moves
as il to grab her She ducks around him

nd begins to run down the street. She
h; k pants on and her flat black
shoes. Now that she has eut €

her who

her bi

wn on her

she's a decent runner,
at docs she expect, now that she's

smoki
Ww

in Full Hight? That he will go away. final-
ly that hell never be able to cadh po
Bur he hasi gone away. he is catching
up. She can hear ihe thudding of his
feet. the gasping of his breath. Her own
breath is raspinz in her throat: she's los-

She has come to a cross street, there's
a phone booth, She
the folding glass door shut. pushes
against ii with both of her lect, leaning
her back against the phonebook shelf far
leverage. The smell of ancient pee sur-
rounds her Then Connor is right there,
outside, pushing at the door, pounding
atit

"Let me in!” he says.

Her heart pounds in panic. "No! No”
she vells. Her voice is tiny, as if she's in a

spi

acks into it. slams

ale
wraps his

soundproof booth. He presses his w
body against the

En as dar
they will go

“Hove yon!” he shouts. “Goddamn it,
cant you hear mez E said I love you
Julie covers her ears. She is truly Bright
cned by him now, she's whimper
fight, Hes no longer anyone

ah as

knows: he's the universal child’s night
mare. the evil violent thing
monstrous, ivi

Langed and
y to ger in ar the door
He mashes his (ace Momways into the
glass. in a gesture of desperation or à
parody ol "a kiss. She can see the
squashed tip of his nose, his mouth de-
formed. ihe lips shoved back from the
teeth.

Julie remembers that she's in a phone
booth. Without taking her eves off him
she fumbles in her purse lor change
“VU call the police him.
And she docs

she sercams

It took them some time to come. By
the time they did. Connor was gone,
Whatever else he wanted. he did not
want to be caught in the aet ol sexually
attacking a phone booth. Or this is how
Julie puts it. when she tells the story
these days

At first, she did not tell it at all. D was
too painful lor her, in too complicated a
way. Also, she did not ki
about. Was it about ch
been taken advantage ol. by someone
older and more experienced and supe
orto her in power? Or was it about how
she had saved herself Irom an ogre in
the nick ol time? But Connor was not
ogre. She had loved him. uselessly. Fhis
ful thi

she was married, alter she
to tell the story
ol Connor once in a while. She told it
Lane u night. after the Kids were in bed
and after a few drinks. always to women
1t became part of an exchange, the price
she was willing to pay for hearing other
similar stories, These were mystery ste
nes The mysterious objects in them
were the men, they and their obscure

was divorced, she begi

“Pm spending at least two thousand
dollars on Christmas presents for people I wouldn't gi

the right time of day to!”

behavior. Clues were discovered i
a d. mts ol view exclu
definite solutions were lound.
Now that she has married a
tells it more frequently. By this time. she
concentrates. on. the atmosphere—the
Scottish rain. the awful food in the pub.
the scowling inhabitants ol tl the
bog itself. She purs in the more comic
knitting.
sleeves, the lumpiness

lowi

elemens: her own obsessive
the long dangling
of the bed.

As for Connor, how can she explain

him. him and his once-golden aura? She

no longer tries. She skims over the wor-

shiping love she once fel for him. which

would be mawkish out loud. She skims

er the wile, wh

rival of the piece
> hersell

been
sympathy
She skims over the
She leaves out entirely any damage
she may have caused to Connor, She
s done, was severe

knows the dar
at least, at the time, bi
knowledged without: sounding lik
form of h was unimentional
on her part: more or less, Atany rate, it
does not really fit mto the story.
.

Julie cases forward in her chain; leans

her arms on the i ene

how can it be ac

loatin

ighis a cigar
She still smokes, though
Over the ye:

not as much
s, she
Vibe face.
ified. Also, she has cur her hair: irs no
longer a mane, irs fashionably short at
the back and sides. with a wispy. puckish
mop on top. She weary silver carrings in
the shape of starlish. an eccentric touch
the last vestige of her days of piracy. Ex-
cept for the earrings. she looks like any
woman ol that age vou might see. walk-
ing a dog or shopping. in one of the
newly renovated neighborhoods.

God knows she says, “whan d
though I was doing.” She kaughs. a ruc-
Tul. puzzled laugh that is also indulgent.

Ihe story has now become a story
about her own stupidity, or call it inno-
cence, which shines at this distance with
a soli and mellowing light. The story is
now like an artifact f y
lizmion, the customs of which have be-

as pur on wei
V lier waist Ins solid-

ished civi-

And vet every one ol its
ls is clear to her: She can
ruined iniri
slabs of dry toast at be
moving on the surface of the bog. For all
of this. she has total recall. With cach
retelling, she feels hersell more present
init.

Connor. however

come obsenr

in the room. the
akfaist. the grasses

1 substance
ys him in words.
leathery,
> becomes

loses
every she lor
He becomes Haner and ma
es out of him, H

time

more life
more dead. By this time, he
anecdote, and Julie is almost old.

The Promise

(continued from page 154)

“Poe gol a lilile girl in there with a crazy old man

who wants a hooker. Do 1 give him one or nol?

“EVs up to you to calm him down, get

that shotgun away from him

“How de E calm him dawn Eileen
asked

Weve had. run-throughs on situa

is like this one.” Brady said
"Not exactly, sir. no. sir. We didnt do
any rum hs on à man expecting a
hooker citi talker instead.”
“This is only a 1 a classic

"E don't think so, sir: 1 think he may
1 very upset when he finds out Fm
really a cop. D think he may decide to

usc that gun when he—

"There's no reason for him to know
voire à cop; Brady said.

“Olé Do I hie to him, sh? E thought
once we established communication, we
told the trath all the way down the lin

In this instance; we can bend
ruth a lile

Goodman looked at him.

“Inspect "Lihi
be confu

"m Son not nying to conluse
her
old gul in there with a crazy old

who wants a hooker or he's
T away Now. do d ve in E

the

k we

to blow 1

nent question at this i

"Em not a hooker, sit;
e thar, The point is. Detective
e yon will

lo impersonate a
prostitute. in order to that lile
ls hilos
How about my lile? Eileen thoug
Sir she said, “how do ve
ger that shotgun away from I
Um inside,
negoti.
get him to give up tha show
Now, I understand the
you think I understand dl,
been inthis game a
Game, Eileen tho:
“And when I

save

ice
police

. dont
risks? I've
long timc now
ahi.
y E deir want anyone
hurt, E mean amane. lm not asking vou
to do anything Éwouldirt do myself
Then go do it vourself. Eileen the
m" on has reached this
gor o make a
either satisly the

i in time wl

“eve
decision. We've got n
old mars desire or risk his Killing that
little girl. He's given us ten mimites and
eight of these minutes arc gone, So what
would vou like us 10 do, Detective?
Su, youre asking me to go in there
unanmned, .L
Thar’s what we promised. No guns.
no one gets hurt”
“But he does have a gun, sir. ^
They always have guns.” Br

ly said.

“Or knives. They always have weapons
ol some ser
A double-barreled shoty
“Yes, that’s the situation”
"Ed have to be crazy. ri;
said.

“Well, thats lor von
the nature of the work.” Brady looked at
his waich. "What do you sty, Burke
we're almost out of time here. Yes or no?
Believe me, there are plenty of female
police ollicers in this city who'd be hap-
py to work with this team

Female police ollicers, she thought.

Are vou a inan or a m

Bullshit, she thought
nime before 1 g
idy looked at her

“Ework the door. The old man can be-
lieve what he wants. but nobody's
inside that apariment until he
over the hule girland the shots

yes.”

Brady said.

hi^ Eileen

to decide, th

rim. she said

hands
1 Take

iv or leave it”
He kept lookin:
She figured whichever way this went,
she'd be off the team tomorrow morn-
et rid of her
Take thor leave it^ Brady said.
Or maybe get rid of her right this

minute

Ves. si” she said. “Take it or leave
[m

Both vou and the old man. she
thought

[Panvthing happens to that Su

Brady said, and let the sent
.

The old man liked the redhead. ty was
a pity she couldn't speak Spanish, but
his aye. he couldn't expect perfectie
Enough that she had eves as green as
the sea and breasts as softly rolling as the
hilly of his native land. Freckles sprin-
kled like gold dust on her cheeks and
across the bridge of her nose. A beauty
He was a very lucky man.

“We have to talk.” she said. “My name
is Eileen."
The door to apartment 2L was open

just a crack. the ni
He could see her lac
the narrow opening. H
sce the shotgun aginst hi
i ger was beide the (

and her body in
knew she could
hr

There were iwo shells m
n. His son always kept the
led in the closet
is there to talk

“What
asked
“About my coming m there

about?” hc

she said.

She had been taught not to lie to
them. She would try not to lie to him
How She would not say she was a hook-
ex. Bur neither would she say she wasnt.

"E cart come in there as long as you
have that gun in your hands,” she said.

In the crack between door and door-
b. she could see him smiling wisely. A
wrinkled old man with a grav-white
beard stubble, a terrilied lile dark-cved
1 on his lap. the double barrel of a
Shotgun against her head. H anything
ppened to that little
raid to come
T
d man said

AE does that mean:

in while you have

les

ny uls,” Eileen said
the
Wiha the h
wondered
"Bur that is precisely why they've seni
vou to me, endal?” he asked. “Becunse |
have this gun in my bands.”
Heavily accented English, but cl

understandable: And perfectly log

she

100. The only reason they were subi
to the old man’s wishes was that he
had a gun. Give up the gun, he'd give

wer 0 negoriace-
adelausshter must be Ir
she said

vddlanghier"

up his
You
ened, tpe
“Hove my y

he said

“Yes. but Tm sure she’s terrified ol
that gun.”
"No. she's all right. You're all righi.

t vou. querida" he said to the ginl
al chucked her under the chin with his

lee “Besides. 1 will det her ;
when you come in here,” he said. "hat
is ow understanding. ch You come in.

Het her go. Everybody's happy.”
Except me,” she said, and smiled
She knew she had a good smile

“Well, E will ecrtainly do my best to
make vou happy.” the old man said Nir
tatiouslv.

"Nat il vou have a gun in your bands.
Vm afraid of guns.”

"Once voire in here.” he said. "ll lec
the little » Then we can lock the
door, and VIL put down the g

Oh, sure, she thought, Chance

ke vou very happy.” he sad.

Oh, ves. she thought, Pm sure
Listen to me,” she said, her voice low
ering conspiratorially. “Why dont you

send out the little girl?
Hostage livst, weapon later
All according to the book
“When vou come in. the little girl

out." he said. “Thar was the deal
“Yes. but when they made the deal
with we. | didit know about the sun

ide Mirta-
alle gun

iPS temple
The

oll, Eileen i

That's
an ralk

Y veally am ale.” she said.
why, if von send ont the girl, we
about the gun. Privately. Just tw

“Tell me what ehe we do private

"First send eut the little girl.” Eileen
said.

“No. You come in here and then vou

207

PLAYBOY

208

can tell me what we'll do privately:
Why doit vou take the chain off the
door?" she said
Why should 17
“So T can see you better.
“Why do you want to see me?
“kes just difficult to talk this way.”
"find it easy to talk this way.” he said.
You stubborn bastard, she thought,

“Don't you want 10 see me better?” she
asked.

“Yes, that would be nice.”

"So take off the chain she said.
"Open the door a little wider.”

“Are you a policeman?” he asked.

Flat out

o what now?

No, Um nota policeman,” she said

The absolute: truth

A. policewoma
V policeperson. yes. But
policeman, She guessed. she could live
with that

"Because il youre a policeman. he
said, ^ VIE Kill the lithe girl.”

Which she could not live with.

“No.” she said again, “I'm not a po-
liceman. You wanted a woman %

“Yes.”

“Well, Fm a woman.”

In the wedge between door and jamb,
she saw him smile again.

"Come in here and show me what
kind of woman you are.” he said.

EN come in if you take the chain off

the door.
She hesita
Br
Silence.

Then VI come in.
Another silence.
"You want a lot,” he said.

UH give vou a lon? he said. and
winked.

“L hope so” she said, a
back.

Double meanings flying like spears in
the sultry ni

“Open your blouse

“Let me see your breasts.”

“No,” she said. “Take off the chain.”

yes, not a

d pur down the gun."

she said.

ad winked

he said.

ghi he said

She waited. He leaned forward. Did
nat get out of the chair, The lide girl
still on his lap. The shotgun still to her
head. His finger still inside the tigger
guard. Leaned forward, reached out
with his left hand and slid the chain
along its track until it fell free. She won-
dered if she should shove the door in-
ward, try knocking him off the chair. He
was so old. so tral, Bur the shot
young, the shotgun was a leveler of age.

Gently, with the toe of her foot, she
cased the door open just a trifle wider
She could see the old man more conr
pletely now, a blue wall behind him deep
inside the apartment, blue wall and blu
eyes and gray hair and grizzled gray

um was

beard. He was looking directly into her
eyes, an anticipatory smile on his lace.
Mello,” she said.

“You're even prettier than Ethought
he said.

“Thank you. Do you remember our
deal?”
Yes, vow re coming in here.
Only after you let the litle girl go
nd put down the gun”

Ves, I’ know

“So do vou want to let her go now?

“How do I know you'll come in here
10 mer"

1 said 1 would. 1 gave you my word.
“And are you a woman of vour word?
"buy to be”

Which meant she would break her
word if he made a move to harm her or
the little girl. She was unarmed... .

That's what we promise. No guns, no one
gets hunt. .

But there were backup cops to her
ght, and all she had to do was signal
for them to storm the door, She hoped
the old man wouldirt do anything fool-
hi.

“So let her come out now. OR she
said
“Pamela?” he said. And then, in Span-

ish.
querida? Do vou w

Do you want to go outside now.
mi to leave Grandpa
Aye

here with the nice I;

Pamela nodded gravely, too tervilied
to ery or to show reliel. She knew this
was her grandfather, but she also knew
this was a gun. She nodded. Yes, 1 want
to go outside. Please ler me go outside,
Grandpa.

“Go on, then,” he said in English. and
looked 10 Eileen for approval

Eileen nodded.
"Come on, sweeth she said. and
{ended hi ms to the lle girl.
Come on out here belore your grandfa-
ther changes his mind.”

Pamela scrambled off his lap 2
into the hall. Eileen clisped her ime her
d and planted
her securely in the arms of an E

arms, swung her à

m
ey Service cop. who swooped her up and
hurried off down the hall with her

Now there was only the old man and
his gun.

No bargaining power anymore, I
they wanted to blow him away, they
could do so without any fear that a

hostage was at risk. But that wasnt the
name of the game. And she had given
him her word.
“Now put down the gun.” she said
He had swung the shorgun toward the

opening in the door. It satin his lap, his
Imger still inside the tigger guard, the
barrels angled up toward Kileen’s head.
He could not see the policemen in the
hallway to her right But he knew she
had passed the girl on 10 someone, he
knew she was nor alone.

“Who's out there with yon?” he asked.

“Policemen,” she said. “Do vou want
10 put down the gun, Mr. Valdez?

"Do
mer

Aus

Che woth, Tell him the ruth

"WEE pur down the gun, how de l
know they wor shoot me

7I promise vou we won't hun vou.”

A slip.

We. Identifying hersell as à cop.

But he hadn't caught it. Or had he

“I promise you none ol the police

they hi

ve guns, these pe

out here will hurt you.”

Correcting it, Or compounding it
Which? How smart was he? Blue eyes
studying her now, searching her face.

Could he trust herz

“How do I know they wor
1 made—

"Because I

7A Tot of trouble lor everybody.” he
said

“Yes, But E pre
won't shoot vou. No one will hurt you il

t shoot me?

you did se they

you pur down the
ve vou my word.
Will they for
lor everybody z

She could not promise him this.
There'd be the weapons charge: and
God knew what other charges there'd be
on top of that, He wouldni walk away
from this clean. thar wasn't the way it
worked, the promises didn’t extend th
{i
who thought he was si

un. 1 promise vou. I

tthe trouble 1 made

1 He was only a senile old man, true

1 si vens old

id playing doctor under the coconut
palms—bur he'd broken the law. broken
several laws, in faci, and these were po-
licemen here, sworn to uphold those
laws.
They'll help you.” she said
ny to help you.”
Which was true. Psychiatrie observa
1. therapy, whatever seemed indicat

Thevll

t
ed.

Bur the shot
ied up at her
"Come on

was still in his la

she said. “le

s pur down

Tell them I want to see them. The
police the hall.”
7L doni have an
licemen what to do.”
Ask them.” he said.
thority to ask them?
The smile on his lace
Was he toving with her
“He wants to sec who's out here.” she
showed down the hall to Brady. who
was standing behind four Emergency
Service cops with riot guns in then

eni
thority to rell po-

Do vou have au

sain.

hands and sidearms strapped to the

waists. The ES. cops were all wearing
ceramic vests, So what do vou sav. In-
spector? she thought. Want to come in

the water?

That's what we promise
gets luni.

Except that now it was showtime.

Let him see vou." Brady sad to the
ES. men.

They lumbered down the hall in their

No guns, no one

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210

heavy vests. toting their heavy guns, lin-
ing up against the wall behind Eileen,
where the old man could see them.

"Are there any others?” he asked.

“Yes, but not right here,” she said. “All
the way down the hall."

“Tell them to put down their guns

“L can't give them orders,” Eileen said
ell the other onc. The one you were
talking to.

Eileen nodded, turned

way from the

door and shouted, “Inspector Brady!”
Yes?”
"He wants them to put down ther
guns.
Silence.

“Or Ti shoot you,” the old man said.
"Or hell shoot me." she called to
Brady, and then smiled and said to the

old man, "You wouldn't do that, would
you?"

Yes. I would,” he said, returning the
smile

“He means it,” she shouted.

Behind her, the E.S. cops were bei

ning to fidget. Any one of them had a
dear shot at the old bastard sitting there
in full view with the shotgun in his lap. I
they put down their guns, there was no
hat he wouldn't start blast

couldn't pull a ceramic vest over your

head. The E.S. cops were hoping this
dizzy redhead and her boss knew what
the hell they were doing

"Put down your guns, men!” Br
called.

Now, just a second,
voice shouted

Bill!” another

Deputy Inspector Di Samis,

1 com-
ad of the Emergency Service, came
y 1 beside him
in the hallway. Eileen could hear them
arguing. She hoped the old man's cars
weren't as good as hers. Di Santis was
saying he wa:
this negot
but that point did not include stand
four of his men against a wall for a fir
d. Brady answered him in a ve
cen could not hear. Di
Eileen could not hear
wl of them was saying now. In-
side the apartment, the old
watching her, She suddenly knew that
he would, m fact, shoot her if the men
behind her didn't put down their guns.

"What do vow say, Inspector?” she
called. “The man here's getting itchy.

Valdez smiled.

He knew what itchy mi

She smiled back.

Little joke they were sharing here.
The man's getting itchy, he's going to
blow my goddamn head off, aren't you,
arling? Smiling

Inspector?
The whispers stopped. Eileen waited.
Somebody—perhaps her or the old man
or one or more of the cops standing be-

hind her—was going to get hurt in the
next few seconds, unless. . .

“All right, men, do what Inspector
Brady says.”

Di Santis.

Behind her, one of the E.S. cops mut-
tered something. a word in Spanish that
made the old man's smile widen. She
heard the heavy weapons being placed
on the floor. .
The other guns, too,”
said.

“He wants the sidearms, too!”
yelled down the hall.

“All your weapons,
shouted.

More muttering behind her, in Eng-
lish this time, sofi grumbles of protes
She had been dealt a completely new
hand, but the old man was still holding
all the cards,

“Now you." Eileen told him.

“No,” he said. “Come inside here.

“You promised me.” she said.

“No,” he said, smiling. "You're the
one who made all the promises."

Which was true.

T promise they won't shoot you.

No one will hurt you.

Il you put down the gun,"
ded him.
No”
Shaking his head.
I promised that no one would hurt
you if you put down the gun." she sa
“No one c: he s;
ing. "No one has a gun now but me."

Which was also true.

“Well, I thought I could trust you
she said, “but I see I can't."

“You can trust me," he said.
your blouse."

“No,” she said.

“Open your goddamn blouse,” one ol
the E.S. cops whispered urgently.

She ignored him. “I'm going to leave
now,” she told the old man, “You broke
your word. so Fm leaving. | cant
promise what these men will do when
I'm gone."

“They'll do nothing," he said.
ihe gun.

There are others down the hall," she
said. “I can't promise you anything any-
more. Im going now."

No!” he said

She hesitated.

“Please,” he said.

Their eyes met.

“You promised,” he said.

She knew what she'd promised. She'd
promised she would go in to him if he
put down the gun. She had given him
her word. She was a woman of he

“Put down the gun,” she said.
FH Kill vou if you don't come in
e,” he said.

Put down the gt
Vll Kill you.”

"Then how will 1 be

she

the old n

n
she

men!” Di Santis

she re-

“Open

“1 have

able to come in?
sked, and the old man burst out

laughi
tion

because the logic of the situa-
had suddenly become absurdly
clear to him. IF he killed her, she could
not go in to him; it was as simple as that
She burst out laughing, too. Surprised.
some of the E.S. cops behind her began
ighing, tentatively at first,
bit more boldly. Down the hall,
kcen heard someone whisper, “They're
laugh Someone else whispered,
“What?” This seemed funny, too. Ihe
cops in their ceramic vests were laugh-
ing harder, like armored knights who'd
been told their powerful king wa

t, impotent. Defenseless, their weap-
ons and holsters and cartridge belts on
the floor at their feet, contained here in
this stifling hot hallway, they quaked
with laughter thinki how silly it
would be if the old man actually did kill
the redhead, thereby making it imposs
ble for her to go in to him. The old man
was thinking the same thing. how silly all
of this had suddenly become, thinking.
too, that maybe he should just put down
the gun and get it over with, all the tro
ble he'd caused here, his blue eyes
squinched up, tears of laughter running

gray beard. Down the hall, there were
puzzled whispers again

“¡Dios mio!” the old man said,

ng.

Any one of the E.S. cops could have

picked up a gun and shot him in that

moment. He had lowered the shotgun,
it sat across his lap like a walking stick.

Eileen took a tentative step into the

room, reaching for it.

“No!” the old man snapped. and the
gun came up, pointing at her head.

“Aw. come on,” she said, and grimaced
ment like a little girl.

He looked at her. The tears were still
su g down his face. He could still
remember how funny this had seemed a
moment ag

"Mr. Valdez?" she said.

He kept looking at her.

“Please let me have the gun.”

g at her. Weeping now.

all the La canes that was gone. Fe

e days on the beach long ago.

2" she said
For all the pretty litle girls, gone now
He nodded.

She held out her hands, palms up

He put the gun into her hands

Their eyes locked.

She went into the apartment, the gun
hanging loose at her side, the barrels
pointing toward the floor, and she
1 into the old man where he sat
E the hard-backed
and she kissed him on his grizzled
check and whispered, “Thank you,” and
wondered if she'd kept her promise to

him after all.

augh-

and weep

Another beautiful year.

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PLAYBOY

212

COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW continued from page 138)

“Five of the conference’s nine teams look like solid

contender:

for the crown and top-25 rankings.”

“The Mouth of the South,” has taken his
routine to the broadeast booth, leaving
the coaching chores to replacement Les
Robinson. An ardent advocate of the
three-point shot, Robinson's East Ten-
nessee State team finished second in the
nation in three-point shooting last sea-
son. Robinson says only that hell favor a
“winning style” at State. But with players
as talented from the outside as guards
Rodney Monroe (23.2 p.p.g.) and €)
Corchiani (13.1 p.p-g), expect the Wolf-
pack to launch frequently from the
bonuspherc.

While everyone else in the league was
reading his press clippings last season,
Clemson won the conference title. Cen-
ter Elden Campbell is gone, leaving the
paint patrol to 611" Dale Davis (13
points and 11.3 rebounds per ga
The Tige

)
are a little too kittenish to
play with the big cats.

The success of Wake Forest's se
may be determined by how well guard
Robert Siler can recover from his second
major knee injury. The undersized Dea-

cason

cons, who led the A.C.C. in rebounding

get strong forward play from

ng (16.1 p-p-g-) and Antho-

ny Tucker. Two freshmen, Randolph

Childress and Rodney Rogers, should
both see action early.

Maryland’s basketball program con-
tinues under a dark cloud. Coach Lefty
ell departed in the wake of Len
' cocaine-induced death. Coach Bob
e, left in the
tion. Now

Dries

Driesell’s successor
ofan NJ
the basketball p
two years of NCAA. probation.
Terps will forget their woes by playing
fast-break, run-till-you-drop basket

ATLANTIC TEN

Coach John Chaney has had a great
run at Temple, leading the Owls to a
192-61 record since he took over the
program in 1982. With last season's At-
lante Ten championship in his pocket
and all five starters returning, Chaney is
likely to add another pearl of a season to
his string of successes. Guard Mark Ma
Temple's mainstay, retu

ns for his

or year, and Chaney has enough
othe t 10 take the load off his star.
*[Macon] will move into a comfort area
where there will not be so much de-
manded of him," says the coach. His op
timism is based on the expected
emergence of Vic Carstarphen at point
guard. Seven-footer Donald Hodge
should improve on his 15.1-p.p.g. aver-
age. And when all el Macon, al-
ready with 1926 career points. stands

ready to take control. Rutgers, an 18-
game winner last season under coach
Bob Wenzel, returns four starter
cluding 6'8" Keith Hughes (18.8 p.p-g..
82 rp). Wenzel has added two 69"
Brent Dabbs and Andre

Massachusetts pushed
mple to the limit in the conference-

lost is last season's leading scorer, 6'9" Ed
Fogell (15.3 p.p.g.).

BIC EAST

A beuer name for the Big East might
be the Conference of the Unexpected
s ago, Seton Hall, not expected
ish in the top half of the confer-
ence, came within two Rumeal Robinson
free throws of the NCAA. champi-
onship against Michigan. Last season,
Connecticut, a team picked to finish in
the bouom half of the cont
Seton Hall, Georgetown and Syracuse
on consecutive days to win the Big East
tournament and just missed the Final

in palitical scionce.

Daly (Bastan University), Matt Si

Rae (Maryland).

ampionship game before falling
53-51. The Minutemen, under coach
John Calipari, had their first winning
season (17-14) since 19 8. Guard
jim McCoy (20.7 p.p.g.) is Calipari's
main man. West Virginia returns every-

one from last season's squad except
point guard Steve Berger. Coach Gale
Catlett has a major talent waiting in the
wings. freshman Mike Boyd, who aver-
aged more than 23 p.p.g. in high school
‘Iwo guard Tracy Shelton (17.8 p.p.g.) is
the Mountaineers’ top returning scorer
Rhode Island will miss Kenny (
the middle, Green led the nat last
season with 4.69 blocks per game.
Guard Eric Leslie (23 p.p.g.) will have to
excel from the outside, Penn State had a
very successful season last year under
Bruce Parkhill. The Nittany Lions won
25 games and finished third in the

N.LT. tourney. Four starters return, but

een in

PRESENTS THE
ANSON MOUNT SCHOLAR/ATHLETE

The Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award recognizes achievement both in the class-
room and on the basketball court. Nominated by their Universi
judged by the editors of Playbay on their scholostic ond athletic accamplishments. The
award winner attends Playboy's pre-seasan All-America Weekend—this year held at
the Sherotan Warid Resort in Orlanda, Flarido—receives a branzed commemorative
medallion and is included in the team photagraph published in the magazine. In ad-
ition, Playboy awards $5000 to the general scholarship fund of the winner's school.

This year's Ansan Mount Schalor/Athlele Award in basketball goes to senior
Michael luzzolino from St. Francis College of Pennsylva!
led his team in scoring (21.3 points per game), field-goal percentage (55.2), three-
paint percentage (51 6), free-thraw percentage (87.1) and assists (4.8 per game). The
only underclassman ta be named ta the GTE/CoSida (College Sports Infarmatian
rectars) Academic All-American first team, luzzolina carries a 3.7 grade-paint average

Hanarable mentians: David Midlick (Mississippi), Matt Muchlebach (Arizona), Mark
enga (Michigan State), Christopher “Kit” Mueller
(Princeton), Teo Alibegavic (Oregon State), Stephen Howard (DePaul), Dove Barrett
(Purdue), Rob Mizera (Loyala-Chicago), Chris Hickman (New Mexico State), Benny
Moss (North Caralina-Charlatte), Jack Hurd (La Salle), Pat Manar (New Hampshire),
Dell Demps (Pacific), Radenko Dabros (South Florida), Aaran Benson (Air Force), Mike
Sterner (U.S. International), Bobby Phills II (Southern), Darren Brown (Niagara), Matt

, the candidates are

. luzzalino, a 510" guard,

Four a last-second ove shot
against Duke. This season, five of the
conferences nine teams (Connecticut,
Syracuse, Get own. St. John’s and
Pittsburgh) look like solid contenders for
the crown and top-25 rankings. That
leaves Villanova, Providenc ion Hall
nd Boston College with the chance to
take a run at a national championship
I's unlikely that Connecticut will be
able to repeat iis awesome 31-win total
of last season and take another Big East
championship. Point g rge
is now a New Jersey Net and Nadav
Henefeld, number two in the nation last
season as a freshman in sicals, is playing
pro ball in Israel, The Huski
play the same version of coach Jim Cal
houn's swarming defense, which cov-
ered for some surprisingly weak
offensive numbers last season (4.9 per-
cent from the floor and 664 percent

Mr. Sensitivity

Even rough faces like Bill Laimbeer's
need to be treated gently.

Schick* introduces che Slim Twin” Plus.

lt has a comfort strip with aloe that

lubricates ro reduce
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narrow head

shaves even hard-

to-reach places
The new Slim

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every place

on every

sensitive face. Y

PLAYBOY

214

Wom the free-throw line)
Syracuse, 26-7 last season and a
third-round tournament victim of Min-

nesota. loses some great players and re-
turns others, NBA, number-one dalt
pick Derrick Coleman and the flashy
Stephen Thompson are gone, However,
ivbor All-America Billy Owens and
610" LeRon Ellis are back to lead coach
Jim Bocheim’s trusted pursuit ol a
national championship, Ellis. hidden in
Coleman's shadow last season, must up
his scoring and. rebound. production.
Ihe Or ien had better talent than
chemistry list season

M Georgetown, Monzo Mourning
and coach John Thompson beth tak a
pass on a chance 10 play in the NBA,
ng. a mwo-time Playboy AlLAme:
gern

pro.

ve befor Thompso

was. ollered a generous hnancial
to take the Deme
els. wasit ready to give up the col-
lege game. The combination of Mout
ing and Dikembe Mutombo, also
Playboy All-America, gives the Hovas
two of the best defensive big men in the
history of college basketball. Togethe
w Tihe nation
n 010,8) while hold
7 percem shooting
A Villon and

Thompson's

Hovas Hoor

over

town de;

they helped €

"ar
ing opponents to
average. Wili guards M,
Dwayne Bryant gone,
biggest concerns are the
game and outside shooting

St. John’s Malik Sealy. a 68 jumor
forward. has scored mere than 1000
points in just neo seasons. putting hin
the company of foi

in rebouncin

Mullin and Walter B.
Carneses

who confused oppor
wea of garish
sweaters, also rect ouisand-
ing players to join Sealy and the rest of
his veterans. Shawnelle Scott; a 611 for-
ward out of New York City, should see
plenty of action, Continued improve-
ment from 610" center Robert Werdann
could make the Redmen very tough
With four seniors in the line-up. this is
the year lor coach Paul Evans! Pitts-
burgh team 10 take its shot at a Big East

crown and post-season success. The Pan-
thers to watch are forward Brian Short-
d Jason
Sean

er (20.5
Matthews:

pps) and
09 ppg) Guard
Miller, who sar out last season as
cal redshirt, and Chris McNeal
ically ineligible, should give the Panthers
the depth they missed.

I you're looking for a Big East dark
horse, Providence fis the bill. Coach
Rick Barnes lost four starters [rom last
season's squad. including guard Carlton
Screen, However, Barnes had a banner
recruiting year, picking up Ken McDon-
ald, a first-team junior college All-Amer-
ici amd outstanding high schoolers Troy
Brown, Dickie Simpkins, Robert Phelps
and Michi

mith.

BIG

One of the big stories in college b;
kethall last season was the play of coach
Roy Williams Kansas team. Without a
superstn—or. lor that matter, any play-
er averaging even 15 p.p.g—the Jay-
hawks won 30 games. They did it with

“Oh, 1 dowt work here. Fm from Party Temps

led the nation in field
unselfish team offense (four play
D than LOO assists) and ene
defense, Among four starters not re-
turning. one surprise loss is 610" Pekka
Markkanen, who returned to his native
Finland. However, Kansas’ best player.
6'9" Mark Randall. is back, and Williams
has already proved he can put toga
a winning team that is better than it
dividual parts

Usually domi Oklahoma has lost
several key players to academic inc
bility. Jackie Jones, last season's Biz
Eight Newcomer of the Year (umed pro
in Spain), and guard Smokey McCovers
are gone. Forward Damon Patterson will
sit out at least the first semester. Coach
Billy Tubbs will look to Brent Price—

who Tubbs says plays like brother Mark

an Sallier to fill the holes.
NGAA
s» as we go to pres:

With
progr

ion in
Missouri will
likely face some scholarship and post-

an investig:

season play restrictions this season. To
ters worse lor coach Norm.
Stewart. star guard Anthony Peeler (16.8
p.p.g.) is academically ineligible lor at
least the first semester, Doug Smith, last
season's Big Eight Player of the Year, re-
turns for his final college season

Winner of only two games during the
regu ue schedule, Colorado up-
ser Missouri and Oklahoma State before

wo Oklahoma in he conference
ev championship. Four ters
from that team return, including intim-
idator Shaun Vandiver, who led the Big
Eight in scoring (22.3 p.p.g.) and re
bounding (11.2 1.p.g.).

Eddie Sutton, former coach ol
Creighton, Arkansas and. Kentucky, has
taken the reins at Oklahoma State. The
strength of his Cowboys team is 67 cen-
ter Byron Houston, whe averaged mo
than [8 ppg. and ten npg. Suton
needs strong p
Williams and D;
inside del

ay from guards Corey
wyn Alexander to take
sive pressure off Houston

BIG SKY

Idaho, last season's conference champ
and winner ol 25 games, has lost three
starters, including center Riley Smith.
Coach Larry. Eustachy hopes that Otis
Mixon. a 21-p.p.g, scorer m junior col-
lege, can take up the slack. Montana cx
pects to improve with the rerum ot 610"
Daren Engellint at center and. coach
Stew Morrill counts on two players from
junior college for immediate: produc-
1 Coach Bobby Dve's Boise State
squad is built around 69% Fanoka Beard.
s Big Sky Freshman of the Year

last ye

BIG SOUTH

Coastal Carolina, which had ihe
unenviable distinction of having Ihe
best record (236) of any Division Hicam
not invited to a post-season tournament

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PLAYBOY'S 1991 COLLEGE

AMERICAN SOUTH
"1 SOUTHWESTERN — 5. LAMAR
LOUISIANA 6. TEXAS-
2. LOUISIANA TECH PAN AMERICAN
3. NEW ORLEANS 7. CENTRAL FLORIDA

4, ARKANSAS STATE
‘STANDOUTS: Kevin Brooks, Aaron Mitchell, Marcus Stokes
(Southwestern Louisiana), Anthony Dade, Ron Ellis
(Louisiana Tech): Tank Collins (New Orleans): Bobby
Gross, Tyrore Hall (Arkansas St); Daryl Reed (Lamar):
Gabriel Valdez (Texas-Pan American).

ATLANTIC COAST

"1. DUKE 75. NORTH CAROLINA

72. GEORGIA TECH. STATE

"3. NORTH CAROLINA — 6. CLEMSON

*4, VIRGINIA 7. WAKE FOREST
8. MARYLAND

STANDOUTS: Christian Laeitner, Bobby Hurley (Duke);
Kenny Anderson, Matt Geiger. Malcolm Mackey (Georgia
Tech); Rick Fox, King Rice (North Carolina). Bryan! Stith,
John Crotty (Virginia), Rodney Monroe, Chris Corchiani
(North Carolina St); Dale Davis, Sean Tyson (Clemson);
Chris King, Anthony Tucker (Wake Forest); Walt Williams,
Matt Roe (Maryland)

ATLANTIC TEN
"1. TEMPLE 7. ST. JOSEPH'S
*2. RUTGERS B. GEORGE
3. MASSACHUSETTS WASHINGTON
4. WEST VIRGINIA 9. ST. BONAVENTURE
5. RHODEISLAND 10. DUQUESNE
6. PENNSTATE

STANDOUTS: Mak Macon, Donald Hodge Vic
Carstarphen (Temple); Keilh Hughes. Earl Duncan, Mike
‚Jones (Rutgers); Jim McCoy, William Herndon, Tony Bar-
bee (Massachusetts); Tracy Shelton, Chris Brooks, Charles
Becton (West Virginia); James Barnes, Eric Leslie, Mike
Biown (Rhode island), Freddie Barmes (Penn St), Craig
Amos, Richard Stewart (St. Joseph's); Ellis McKennie,
Sonn Holland (George Washington): Michael Burnett
(St. Bonaverture); Clayton Adams (Duquesne).

BIG EAST
71. GEORGETOWN "B. PROVIDENCE
72. SYRACUSE 7. VILLANOVA
"3. ST. JOHN'S B. SETON HALL
74. CONNECTICUT 9. BOSTDN CDLLEGE
*5. PITTSBURGH

STANDOUTS: Alonzo Mouming, Dikembe Mutombo
(Georgetowr); Billy Owens, LeRon Ellis (Syracuse), Malik
Sealy, Robert Wertann (SI. John's), Chris Smith, Scott
Barrel (Cormeclicul); Brian Shorter, Jason Matthews, Bob-
by Martin (Pittsburgh); Chris Watts, Eric Murdock (Provi-
dence); Chris Walker Lance Miller (Villanova): Terry
Dehere, Anthony Avent (Seton Hall); David Hirlon, Doug
Able (Boston College).

BIG EIGHT
*1. KANSAS. 5. OKLAHOMA STATE
*2. OKLAHOMA 6. IOWA STATE
3. MISSOURI 7. KANSAS STATE
4. COLORADO. 8. NEBRASKA

‘STANDOUTS: Mark Randall, Terry Brown, Mike Maddox
(Kansas), Brent Price (Oklahoma), Doug Smith (Missouri;
Shaun Vandiver, Stevie Wise (Colorado): Byron Houston
Darwyn Alexander (Oklahoma St); Vitor Alexander, Doug
Collins (lowa SL): Jean Derouillere, Askia Jones (Kansas
St): Rich King. Clifford Scales (Nebraska)

BIG SKY
*1. MONTANA 6. MONTANA STATE
2. IDAHO 7. IDAHO STATE
3. BOISE STATE 8. EASTERN
4. NEVADA WASHINGTON
5. WEBER STATE 9. NORTHERN ARIZONA

STANDOUTS: Daren Engella!, Kevin Kearney (Montana):
Ricardo Boyd, Cliford Martin (Idaho); Tanoka Beard, Jeli
Sanor (Boise SL) Walt Hankinson, Bryan Thomasson
(Nevada), Aaron Bell, Anthony McGowan (Weber SL)

‚Johnny Mack, Todd Dickson (Montana St); Steven Garrity,
Alex Kreps (Idaho St); Brian Sullivan (Eastem Washing-
ton); Steve Williams (Northern Arizona).

BIG SOUTH
*1. COASTAL CAROLINA 5. DAVIDSON
2. NORTHCAROLINA- 6 AUGUSTA
ASHEVILLE 7. RADFORD
3. BAPTIST 8. WINTHROP
4. CAMPBELL:
STANDOUTS: Tony Dunkin, Robert Dowdell (Coastal Car-
olina): Brent Keck, Darryl Sanders (North Carcline—
Asheville); Anthony Houston, Darryl Hall (Baptist); Red
Gourdine, Mark Mocnik (Campbell); Detlef Musch (David-
son); Keenan Mann, Derek Stewart (Augusta): Doug Day.
Ron Shelbourne (Radlorc); George Henson (Winthrop).

BIG TEN
7i. MICHIGANSTATE — "6. PURDUE
72. OHIO STATE 7. WISCONSIN
78. INDIANA 8, MICHIGAN
74. MINNESOTA 9, IDWA
*5. ILLINOIS 10. NDRTHWESTERN

STANODUTS: Steve Smith, all Steigenga (Michigan St):
‚Jim Jackson, Perry Carter, Mark Baker (Ohio St.) Eric An-
Gerson. Calbert Cheaney (Indiana); Kevin Lynch, Walter
Bond (Minnesota); Larry Smith (Mincis); Woody Austin,
Chuckie White (Purdue); Wilie Simms (Wisconsin);
Demetius Calip (Michigan); James Moses (long).

BIG WEST

NEVADA-LAS VEGAS 6 PACIFIC
NEW MEXICO STATE 7. SAN JOSE STATE
LONG BEACH STATE 8 FRESNO STATE
CAUFORNA-SANTA 9. CALIFORNIA-IRVINE
BARBARA 10 CAL STATE-

UTAH STATE FULLERTON
SOUS Lary ton Stacy Agron, Greg Aio
my. Arderson Hunt (Nevada Las Vegas); Randy Brown,
Tracey War, Terry Buller (New Mexico SL), Lucious Harris
Kevin Cutler (Long Beach SL); Gary Gray, Paul Johnson
(Califoria-Santa Barbara); Kendall Youngblocd (Utah St):
Don Lyttle, Dell Demps (Pacific); Troy Batiste (San Jose
St.) Wilbert Hooter (Fresno St), Ricky Buller(Cal-Inine).

COLONIAL
*1. JAMES MADISON — 5, NORTH CAROLINA-
2. RICHMOND WILMINGTON
3. GEORGE MASON 6. AMERICAN

4. EAST CAROLINA — 7 NAW
8. WILLAN 8 MARY

‘STANDOUTS: Steve Hood, Fess livin (James Madison):
Curtis Blair, Kenny Wood (Ri ; Robert Dykes, Mike
Hargett (George Mason): Ike Copeland, Tim Brown (East
Carolira). Brannon Lancaster (North Carolina-Wilming-
ton); Brian Gilgeous, Brock Wortman (American); Eddie
Reddick (Navy); Scoti Smith (William & Mary)

EAST COAST
"1. DELAWARE 6. MARYLAND-
2. HOFSTRA BALTIMORE COUNTY
3. TOWSON STATE 7. CENTRAL
4. RIDER CONNECTICUT STATE
5. DREXEL

STANDOUTS: Alex Coles, Ma Murray, Denard Mont-
gomery (Delaware); Derrick Flowers, Anthony Knight (Hol-
sta); Devin Boyd, Chuck Lightening (Towson St.); Darrick
Suber, William Kinsel (Rider); Michael Thompson, Arthur
Clark (Drexel); Jim Frantz, Derrick Reid (Maryland -Balti-
ine Sun Scott Weeden, Kevin Swann (Central Con-
necticul

IVY LEAGUE
*1. PRINCETON 5. BROWN
2. YALE 6. CORNELL
3. HARVARD 7. DARTMOUTH
4. PENNSYLVANIA 8. COLUMBIA

STANDOUTS: Kit Mueller, Sean Jackson, Natt Eastwick
(Princeton): Dean Campbell, Ed Petersen (Yale): Ralph
James, Ron Michell (Panard), Vince “Curran

(Pennsylvania); Rick Lloyd, Carlos Williams (Brown)
Bernard Jackson, Shawn Marara] (Cornell; James Black-
well (Dartmouth): Eric Speaker (Columba).

METRO
*1, SOUTHERN 5. CINCINNATI
MISSISSIPPI 6. SOUTH CAROLINA
*2 LOUISVILLE 7. VIRGINA TECH
*3. MENPHIS STATE 8. TULANE
4. FLORIDA STATE

STANDOUTS: Clarence Weatherspoon, Darrin Chancellor
(Southern Mississippi): LaBradford Smith, Everick Sullivan
(Louisville); Elliot Perry, Todd Mund! (Memphis St)
Michael Polite, Douglas Edwards (Florida SL). Louis
Banks, Levertis Robinson (Cincinnati): Jo Jo English. Barry
Manning (South Carolina); Dirk Williams (Virginia Tech);
Anthony Reed, David Whitmore (Tulane).

METRO ATLANTIC
"1, JONA 6. CANISIUS
2. SIENA 7. FAIRFIELD
3. LASALLE 8. NIAGARA
4. MANHATTAN 9. LOYOLA-MARYLAND

5. SL PETER'S

STANDOUTS: Sean Green, Shawn Worthy (long Marc
Brown, Steve Downey (Siena): Doug Overton, Randy
‘Woods (La Salle); Keith Bullock (Manhattan), Tony Walker
(GL Peters), Ed Book (Canisius); Harold Brantley
(Faitield); Darren Brown (Niagara); Kevin Greer, Tracy
Bergan (Loyola Maryland).

MID-AMERICAN
"1, BOWLING GREEN — 5. WESTERN MICHIGAN
STATE 6. BALL STATE

2 MIAMI UNIVERSITY 7. KENT STATE

3 CENTRAL MICHGAN 8 TOLEDO

4. EASTERN MICHIGAN 9. OHIO UNIVERSITY
STANDOUTS: Clinton Venable. Joe Moore (Bowling Green
St); Craig Michaelis, Jim Paul (Miami); Darian McKinney,
Jett Majerle (Central Michigan). Lorenzo Neely, Marcus
Kennedy (Eastern Michigan); Jim Havrilla (Western Michi-
gan); Chandler Thompson (Ball St.); Harold Walton (Kent
SL); Craig Sutters (Toledo); Dan Aloi (Ohio).

MID-CONTINENT
71. WISCONSIN- 5. ILUNOIS-CHICAGO
GREEN BAY 6. AKRON

2. NORTHERN ILLINOIS 7. WESTERN ILLINOIS

3 NORTHERNIOWA 8. EASTERN ILLINOIS

4 CLEVELAND STATE 9. VALPARAISO
‘STANDOUTS: Tony Bennett. Dean Vander Plas (Wiscon:
sin-Green Bay): Donnell Thomas, Donald Whiteside
(Northem Illinois); Dale Turner, Cedrick McCul-
lough (Northern lowa): Steve Givens, Michael Wawrzyniak
(Cleveland St.). Brian Hill, Tony Freeman (Illinois-Chica-
Go); Mark Alberts, Pete Freeman (Akron); Ron Ateman,
Reggie Warren (Western illinois); Gerald Jones, Barry
Johnson (Eastern Ilinois): Tracy Gipson (Valparaiso)

MID-EASTERN
1. COPPINSTATE 6. BETHUNE-
2. SOUTH CAROLINA. COOKMAN
STATE 7. HOWARD
3. DELAWARESTATE — 8. MARYLAND-
4. NORTH CAROLINA EASTERN SHORE
ART 9. MORGAN STATE
5. FLORIDA ABM

STANDOUTS: Reggie Isaac, Lamy Stewart (Coppin St.);
Tavis Williams, Eric Sanders (South Carolina St); Tom
Davis, Emanual Davis (Delaware St.), Glenn Taggart (North
Carolina A&T), Reginald Firney (Florida A&M); Clifford
Reed, Reggie Cunningham (Bethune-Cookman): Tyrone
Powell (Howard); Keith Williams, Robert Spear (Mary-
tand-ES), James McCoy (Morgan SU).

BASKETBALL PREDICTIONS

MIDWESTERN
+1 XAVIER 5. DAYTON
*2. MARQUETTE 6. ST LOUIS
3. DETROIT 7. EVANSVILLE
4. LOYOLA-CHICAGO 8. BUTLER.

STANDOUTS: Jamal Walker, Aaron Williams (Xavier);
Trevor Powell, Keith Stewart (Marquette); Dwayne Kelley.
‚John Beaulord (Detroit): Keith Gailes, Keir Rogers (Loyola-
Chicago); Norm Grevey (Dayton); Kevin Footes (St Louis);
Scott Shrettler (Evansville); Darin Archbold (Butler).

MISSOURI VALLEY
"1 EN 5. BRADLEY
2 6. WICHITA STATE
3 Southern nunas 7. ILLINOIS STATE
4. SOUTHWEST 8. INDIANA STATE
MISSOURI STATE — 9. DRAKE

STANDOUTS: Bob Harstad, Chad Gallagher, Duane Cole
(Creighton); Marcell Gordon, Wade Jenkins, Michael Scolt
(Tulsa): Sterling Manan, Ashraf Amaya (Southern Illinois].
Danyi Reid (Southwest Missouri SL), Curtis Stuckey
(Bradley); John Cooper, Paul Guffrovich (Wichita St);
Richard Thomas (Illinois St); Eddie Bird (Indiana St.)

NORTH AO

“1, NORTHEASTERN — 5. M

2. BOSTON UNVERSITY 6 NEN aire

3. VERMONT

4. HARTFORD
STANDOUTS: Steve Carney, arront Hough (Nertheastern);
Mark Daly, Reggie Stewart (Boston University); Kevin
Roterson, Matt Johnson (Vermont). Ron Moye, Lamy
Gris (Hartford); Derrick Fodoe, Marty Higgins (Maine);
Pat Manor, Eric Thielen (New Hampshire), Darren Brown
(Niagara).

NORTHEAST
1. FARLEIGH 5. MARIST
DICKINSON 6. WAGNER
2. MONMOUTH 7. ST FRANCIS-
3. ‚ROBERT MORRIS NEW YORK
4. ST. FRANCIS- 8. LONG ISLAND
PENNSYLVANIA

STANDOUTS: Desi Wilson, Clive Arderson (Fairleigh Dick-
inson); Alex Blackwell, William Lewis (Monmouth); Andre
Boyd, Joe Falletta (Robert Morris); Mike luzzolino, Joe An-
derson (St. Francis-Penn.); Steve Paterno, Reggie Gaul
(Marist); Billy Kurisko, Dean Borges (Wagner); Nerim
Gjondalaj (SI. Francis-N Y) Brent McCollin (Long Island).

OHIO VALLEY

"1 MURRAYSTATE 4. AUSTIN PEAY
2. MIDDLE TENNESSEE 5. MOREHEAD STATE
STATE 6. TENNESSEE TECH.

3. EASTERN KENTUCKY 7. TENNESSEE STATE
STANDOUTS: Ronald "Fopeye" Jones, Frank Allen, Greg
Coble (Murray St); Quincy Vance (Middle Tennessee St).
Aric Sinclair, Jamie Ross (Eastern Kentucky); Tommy
Brown, Donald Tis (Austin Peay); Breit Roberts, Rod
Mitchell (Morehead St); Jerome Rodgers (Tennessee
Tech); Robert Neely (Tennessee St).

PACIFIC TEN
“1. ARIZONA. 76. CALIFORNIA
*2. UCLA 7. OREGON
i ae 8. OREGON STATE

4. USC 9. WASHINGTON

"5. ARIZONA STATE 10. WASHINGTON STATE
STANDOUTS: Chris Mills, Sean Rooks, Malt Muehlebach,
Brian Williams, Ed Stokes (Arizona); Don Mactean, Tracy
Murray (UCLA): Adam Keefe, Andrew Vlahov, Deshon
Wingate (Stanford): Harold Miner, Ronnie Coleman, Robert
Pack (USC): Isaac Austin, Tarence Wheeler (Arizona St):
Brian Hendrick, Roy Fisher (California): Terrell Brandon.
Kevin Mixon (Oregon); Will Brantley, Teo Alibegovic (Ore-
gon SL; Dion Brown (Washington); Bennie Seltzer (Wash-
ington St.

PATRIOT
*1. FORDHAM. 5. LAFAYETTE
2. HOLYCROSS 6. CDLGATE
3. LEHIGH T. ARNY

4, BUCKNELL

STANDOUTS: Damen Lopez, Jean Prioleau (Fordham): Jim
Nairus, Earl Weedon (Holy Cross); Bob Krizansky, Dozie
Mbonu (Lehigh): Mike Bright, Bill Courtney (Bucknell)
Bruce Stenkavage (Lafayette); Darren Brown, Devin Hughes
(Colgate); James Collins (Army)

SOUTHEASTERN
“1, LOUISIANA STATE — 6. KENTUCKY
72. GEORGIA 7. MISSISSIPPI STATE
"3. ALABAMA 8. VANDERBILT
74. AUBURN 9. FLORIDA

*5. TENNESSEE 10. MISSISSIPPI
STANDOUTS: Shaquille O'Neal (Louisiana St); Litterial
Green, Marshall Wilson (Georgia); Melvin Cheatum, Robert
Horry (Alabama); Ronnie Battle, Chris Brandt, Regge Gal-
lon tum) Allan Houston, Greg Bell (Tennessee); Reg-
gie Hanson, Jamal Mashburn (Kentucky); Cameron Bums,
Greg Carter (Mississippi St}; Scott Draud (Vanderbilt);

Livingston Chatman, Dwayne Davis (Florida); Joe Harell
(Mississippi).
SOUTHERN
+1. EASTTENNESSEE — 5. FURMAN
STATE 6. WESTERN CAROLINA
2. TENNESSEE- 7. THE CITADEL
CHATTANOOGA 8. VIRGINA MILITARY
3. MARSHALL INSTITUTE

4. APPALACHIAN STATE

STANDOUTS: Greg Dennis, Keith Jennings. Calvin Tallord
(East Tennessee St.); Derrick Kirce, Eric Spivey (Ten-
nessee-Chaltanooga): John Talt, Andre Cunringham (Mar-
shall); Rodney Peel, Steve Spurlock, Broderick Parker
(Appalachian SL); Bruce Evans, Derek Waugh (Furman);
Eic Dailey, Teny Boyd (Western Carolina); Aaron Nichols
(The Citadel): Percy Covington (VMI).

SOUTHLAND
1. NORTHEAST 4. SOUTHWEST TEXAS
LOUISIANA. STATE
2. NORTHWESTERN: 5. NORTH TEXAS.
STATE-LOUISIANA — 6. TEXAS-ARLINGTON
3. SAM HOUSTON 7. MCNEESE STATE
STATE 8. STEPHENF AUSTIN

STANDOUTS: Anthony Jones. Carlos Funchess (Northeast
Louisiana); Roman Banks, Dexter Grimsley (Northwestern
St.-Louisiara); Gibbiarra Oulten, Erik Hammock (Sam
Houston St); Rodney Hill, Morris Farr (Southwest Texas
St): Donnell Hayden, Thomas Gipson (North Texas); Willie
Brand (Texas-Arlingtor); Derrick Turner, Larone Ford (Mc-
Neese SL); Avery Helms (Stephen F. Austin)

SOUTHWEST
“1. ARKANSAS 6. BAYLOR
*2 TEXAS. 7. SOUTHERN METHODIST
"3 HOUSTON 8. TEXAS CHRISTIAN
4 EER 9. TEXAS TECH
5, RCE

STANDOUTS: Todd Day, Lee Mayberry. Oliver Mille, Ron
Huery (Arkansas); Joey Wright, Dexter Cambridge (Texas).
Craig Upchurch, Byron Smith (Houston); Brooks Thomp-
son, Lynn Suber (Texas A & M); Brent Scoll, Dana Hardy
(Rice); Kelvin Chalmers, David Wesley (Baylor); Gerald
Lewis (Soulhern Methodist): Reggie Smith (Texas Chris-
tian); Will Flerrons, Barron Brown (Texas Tech)

SOUTHWESTERN

1. SOUTHERN 5. JACKSON STATE
2. TEXAS SOUTHERN 6. GRAMBLING STATE
3. ALABAMA STATE 7. ALCORN STATE
4. MISSISSIPPI VALLEY

STATE

"Our predictions to make the N.C.A.A. post-season tournament.

STANDOUTS: Bobby Pills I, obert Youngblood (Soulh-
em); Ray Younger, David Arcenenux (Texas Southern):
‘Steve Rogers. Martin Hogan (Alabama St.); Alphonso Ford,
William Townsend (Mississippi Valley St.): Eric Strolhers,
Craig Charles (Jackson St: Darell Haris (Grambling St)

SUN BELT
71. SOUTH FLORIDA 5. OLD DOMINDN
"2. ALABAMA- 6. WESTERN
BIRMINGHAM

KENTUCKY
3. NORTHCAROLINA- 7. SOUTH ALABAMA
CHARLOTTE 8. JACKSONVILLE
4. VIRGINIA
COMMONWEALTH

STANDOUTS: Raderko Dobras, Gary Alexander, Marvin
Taylor, Fred Lewis (South Florida): Andy Kennedy, Elbert
Rogers, Stan Rose (Alabama-Birmingham). Henry

liliams, Dan Banister, Dery! DeVaull (North Carolina-
Chariote); Eric Atkins, Kendrick Waren (Virginia Com-
‘monwealth); Chris Gatling (Old Dominion); Jerry Anderson
(Western Kentucky); Cesar Portillo (South Alabama): Reg-
gie Law, Tim Burroughs (Jacksonville).

TRANS AMERICA

*1. STETSON 5. TEXAS-SAN ANTONIO
2. ARKANSAS- 6. GEORGIA STATE
LITTLEROCK 7. MERCER

3. EAS 8. SAMFORD

4. CENTENAI
STANDOUTS: Derrall Dumas, Frank Ireland, Lorenzo
Williams (Stetson); James Scott, Rod Wade (Arkansas-Lit-
Me Rock); Charlton Young, Tony Windless (Georgia South-
er), Patrick Greer, Byron Steward (Centenary); Daryl
Eaton, Keith Home (Texas-San Antonio): Chris Collier,
Matt O'Brien (Georgia St); John Thomas (Samford).

WEST COAST
*1. LOYOLA 5. SANTA CLARA
MARYMOUNT €. GONZAGA
2. SAN DIEGO 7. SANFRANCISCO
3. PEPPERDINE 8. ST. MARY'S
4. PORTLAND

STANDOUTS: Terrell Lowery. Brian McCloskey (Loyola
Marymount); Pat Holbert, Wayman Strickland (San Diego):
Geoff Lear, Doug Christie (Pepperdine); Ron Deaton. Erik
Spoelstra (Portland); Ron Reis, Rhea Taylor (Sarta Clara):
Eric Brady (Gonzaga: Dany! Johnson, Orlando Smart (San
Francisco); Fic Bamberger. John Levit (SI. Mary)

WESTERN ATHLETIC
*1. NEW MEXICO 6. WYOMING
"2. BRIGHAM YOUNG 7. AIR FORCE

3. TEXAS-ELPASO 8. KAWAI
4. UTAH 9. SANDIEGO STATE
5. COLORADO STATE
STANDOUTS: Luc Longley, Pob Robbins, Ike Williams
(New Mexico): Shawn Bradley, Steve Schreiner (Brigham
Young); Marlon Maxey, Henry Hall (Texas-El Paso): Josh
Grant (Utah); Lynn Tyon, Mark Meredith (Colorado SL).
Reginald Slater, Tim Breaux (Wyoming); Chris Lowry (Air
Force); Toy Bowe (Hawaii); Marty Dow (San Diego St.)

INDEPENDENTS

*1. DEPAUL 7. BROOKLYN COLLEGE
*2. NOTRE DAME 8. NICHOLLS STATE
3. MIAMI 9. CHICAGO STATE
4. U.S. INTERNATIONAL 10. YOUNGSTOWN
5. WRIGHT STATE STATE
6. MISSOURI— 11. SOUTHEASTERN:

KANSAS CITY LOUISIANA

STANDOUTS: David Booth, Stephen Howard, Terry Davis
(DePaul); LaPhorso Ellis, Elmer Bennett (Notie Dame); Joe
Wylie, Samar Logan (Miami); Kevin Bradshaw (U.S. Inter-
ndioral); Bill Edwards, Marcus Mumphrey (Wright St):
Ronnie Schmitz, David Robinson (Missouri-Kansas City);
Ralph Solis (Brooklyn College); Tharon Lewis, Paul Beier
(Nicholls St.) Rod Parker (Chicago St): Reggie Kemp, Tim
Jackson (Youngstown SL.)

217

PLAYBOY

218

return
starters, including 67" forwa
Dunkin (18.1 p.p.g.). the conference's
Player of the Year, making them the
odds-on favorite to repeat as champs.
“The Big South winner will then play the
champion of the Southwestern Conler-
ence for an automatic N.C.A.A. berth.

BIG TEN

Graduation, early. di res to the.
or the specter of impending
ions have shuffled ba
ket all fortunes in the Big Ten. And
dealt three teams—Michigan State, Ohio
State and. India chance to domi-
nate this usually balanced conference.
Michigan State, which won the Big
Ten wn last season and advanced all
the way to the N
16 before a cc
Tech, returns cight lettermen, i
Playboy All-America guard Steve Smith.
ach Jud Heathcote, Playboy C
the Year, will emphasize the same tough.
n-to-man defense that allowed oppo-
nents just 68.2 p.p.g. The Spartans need
to cut their turnovers (an average of 14
per game) and p
league free-throw shoot
Second-year Ohio State coach Randy
Ayers has all 12 players back from last

hof

seaso

s 17-13 squad. The Buckeyes, led
by sophomore forward Jim Jackson
(16.1 p.p.g.) and center Perry
Carter (15.2 p.p-g.), finished strong last
season, ning eight of their last 11
games, Jamie Skelton, a 63” freshman
guard, was regarded as Ohio's best high
school player last season.

Down in Indiana, Bob Knight has Da-
nd all's right the
world. Of Bailey, the fi
state player in Indiana
state's all-time leading high piens
ight says, "Only I know how good
Bailey really is." It's a good bet that Ba
ley is good enough to break into the
Hoosi starting line-up, despite the
fact that all five ers from last season
return. Calbert Cheaney (17.1 p.p-g.)
and Fric Anderson (16.3 p.p.g)) at the
forward spots are assured their starting

Everyone else, g Knights
son Pat, will have to fight for playing
i g but talented team.

m Hi re-
rd Kevin Lynch (13.4
-) from last season's 23-9 squad,

which advanced to the regional finals
before falling to Georgia Tech 93-91.
However, redshirt freshman Arriel Mec-
Donald should be able to handle the
point-guard spot vacated by Mel
Newbern.

"Whataya mean

you remembered everyone but me?"

As we go to pres inoi
ing for the results of an N.C.
gation into alleged recru
concerning Deon Thomas, a 68" center
who was redshirted last season pending
the outcome of the investigation. Coach
Lou Henson' problems dont stop
there. The | who lost Nick Ande:
son to an early N.B.A. exit before las
season, said goodbye to Marcus Liberty
for the same reason this season.
wach Gene Keady and his Purdue
team overachieved their way
mark last season. The
made up for their lack of big
ent with wonderfully executed
play. Keady will have another chance to
overachieve, since Stephen Scheltler, his
best player last season, graduated.
Wisconsin returns four starters but
l-time leading scorer Danny Jones.
dersized Badgers need big point
tion from guard/forward Willie
Simms (13.3 p.p.s.).
Michigan said a sad goodbye to
Rumeal Robinson, Terry Mills and Loy
Vaught, some of the last of its 1989
tional-championship team. Coach Steve
sher's job was made even more chal-
lenging when 6'9" Sean Hi took an
early leave for the N.B.A.
Towa, just 4-14 in the Big Ten last sea-
son, will continue to struggle. Seven-
footer Les Jepsen has graduated and the
Iowa talent cupboard is b;
Northwestern coach
be happy with any bona fide L
college basketball talent. The Wildcats,
who won only two conference games for
the sixth year in a row, lost their three
best underclassmen to transfers. This
will be a brutal season for the °C:

team

Foster would

BIG WEST

N.C.A.A. ban on post-season play
strike one for Nevada-Las Vegas.
When Ed O'Bannon and Shon T

perhaps the two best
prospects in the nation, elected to
UCLA after the ban w:

it was strike two. Strike three for

the Rebels will probably come wh
N.C.A.A. finishes its investigation of the
circumstances surrounding the recruit-
ment of Lloyd Daniels. In the meantime,
Playboy AllAmericas 1 Johnson
and Stacey Augmon form the nucleus of
the best team in the conference and
probably in the nation. How the ban on
post-season play will affect the team's
motivation and play is anyone's guess.
New Mexico State, which hnished

ng team on the
Coach Neil Mc-
college p

" forward 7

Carthy has added ju
Tracey Ware and 65
Butler to complement three. returning
starters. New Long Beach State coach
Seth Greenberg plans to play cight or
play nce the 49ers have lots
of experience returning this season.

Lucious Ha
of the Yea
leader.

COLONIAL

Coach Lefty Driesell has been teach-
ing a short course in successful basket-
ball at James Madison. Two se io.
Driesell took over the Dukes’ uninspired
program and promptly led them to a
16-14 winning season. Last season,
Driesell coaxed 20 wins out of JMU
was conference Coach of the Ye
honor he had previously won
South d At 1 confer-
ences. This season, Lefty's lads, led by
67" guard Steve Hood (22 p.p.g.) and
four other returning starters, should
win the Colonial with ease. Richmond,
which won the conference tournament
and lost to Duke in the N. A. tourna-
ment last season, has plenty of size up
front but will be forced to start a fresh-
at point guard. George Mason, a
ame winner under coach Ernie
jor last season, has forward Robe:

year. Dykes,
s in the Navy before
averaged 17.1

who spent five y
auending George M
p-p-g- and 8.5 npg

EAST COAST

Delaware appears to be the most tal-
ented team this season in the ECC
Coach Steve Steinwedel has four startei
back from ason's 16-13 squad, i
cluding 66" forward Alex Coles, who
cleared 732" in a track meet last spring,
Che Fightin' Blue Hens will be pushed
hard bv Hofstra’s Flying Dutchmen
Coached by the venerable Butch van
Breda Kolli, whose credits range from
the L.A. Lakers to Mississippi's Picayune
High School, Hofstra will rely on the
scoring of forward Derrick Flowers.

IVY LEAGUE

The Princeton Tigers are in a rut. For
the past two years, they've won the Ivy
mpionship and taken a ma
to the wire
before losing in a first-round N.C.A.A.

ment game. Two y
vil's charges put John Thomp-
son and Georgetown in a sweat before
losing 50-49: last year, it was the
Arkansas Razorbacks who bit thei
before finally prevailing 68-64. With
four starters back, including Ivy League
Player of the
Tigers should thr
19-7 last season, its best fu
1948-1949. Since every player liom th
is back, the F
1, have
Harvard returns its two top scor-
Ralph James (20.3 p.p.g.) and Ron
Mitchell (154 p.p.g.). The up-tempo
Crimson must cut its turnovi which
ged 17.9 per game, and
its defense in order to challenge.

METRO

Southern Mississippi, which enjoyed
its finest season ever (20-12), looks even
stronger this year. Coach M. K. Turk re-
turns lour starters, including forward
Clarence Weatherspoon and guard Dar-
rin Chancellor, both of whom averaged
17.8 p.par. last season. Mississippi high
school scoring champ Bernard Ha
will add scoring punch and transfer Joe
Courtney sirength on the boards.

Louisville faces a major challenge,
since seven-foot center Felton Spencer
has gone to the pros and Jerome Har-
ion has been declared academically in-
eligible. The Cardin who have
missed the N.C.A.
twice in 14 yeu
when Anthony Cade and Dwayne Mor-
ton failed to qualify under Propos
48. However, guard LaBradford S
and Denny Crum's cagey coa
should keep the Cardinals in contention

The Memphis State Tigers are more
like greyhounds this season. Guard El-
lior Perry, who has led the Metro in
stcals for the past three seasons, will be
joined by Billy Smith. The Tigers got a
blow when 67" freshman. guard Anfer-
nec Hardaway was ruled academically
ineligible. Hardaway was supposed to be
the second coming of Magic Johnson.

Florida State is looking lor a big year
from 69" forward Douglas Edwards,
who was held out last season because of
Proposition 48. Edwards was rated as
the second best player coming out of
high school (Georgia Tech's Kenny An-
derson was first). Cincinnati and South
Carolina should both beter the 500
mark this se
player is fore
Pp) while the Figh
will put even. more on coach
George Felton's defense,
enough to hold conference opponents
10 a 40.5 shooting percentage last
season.

Bearcats best

METRO ATLANTIC

While no one is likely 10 confuse
Tona’s starting line-up with the Lakers’,
the Gaels are one of the favorites of the
Metro Atlantic. Shawn Worthy, Kev
Cooper and Sean Green (19.8 p.p.
e all starters for fifth-year
coach Gary Brokaw. Siena will also be
the hunt for the M.A.A.C. title this sea-
son. Guard Marc Brown (16.9 p.p.g.) is
probably the best player in the league
La Salle, 30-2 last season, loses only one
player, but he happens to be Lionel Sim-
nons, pick mi
national player of the year. The Explor-
ers will miss the L train.

MID-AMERICAN

With the graduation of Paris McCur-
dy, Curtis Kidd and two other starters,
Ball State’s two-year domination of the
Mid-American nded. The Cardi-

nals made last season's Final 16 and gave
UNLV its one tough tournament game
(69-67). The new kids on the M.A.C.
block are Bowling Green, Miami of Ohio
chigan. Bowling
ns all five starters from last season's
18-11 squad and pi
ump, a former member of England's
national team. Miami, under new coach
Joby Wright, is big, experienced
well balanced. Sophomore for
Craig Michaeli:

Central Michigan adds D;
ney and Calvin Winfield, both
from Detroit. The Chippewas also re-
turn Jeff Majerle (12.9 p.p.g), whose
brother Dan is now in the pros.

MID-CONTINENT

Northern Iowa was one of college bas-
ketball's Ci
The Panthers defeated the
Hawkeyes (77-74) for the first time since
1913. Then, after an undistinguished
league mark of 6-6, UNI proceeded to
win the Mid-Continent post-season tour-
nament, thus earning the chance to pull
off an incredible 74—71 first-round upset
of Missouri. With the graduation of 6'8"
center Jason Reese, UNF's all-time lead-
ing scorer, the Panthers will be a more
perimeter-oriented team this season.
Wisconsin-Green Bay, led by junior
Tony Bennett (the guard, not the
singer), is one of the best delensive
teams in the nation, allowing opponents
ge of only 50.8 p-p.g. Northern
Illinois, formerly an independent, joins
The
Donnell
Thomas (17.8 p.p.g.), are coached by
former DePaul assistant Jim Molinari
Cleveland State coach Revin Mackey
was fired after being arrested on drunk-
driving and cocaine-abuse charges. He
has been replaced by former Michigan
assistant Mike Boyd.

an av

MID-EASTERN

Coppin State, which won both the
regular schedule (15-1) and the league’
post-season tournament, is a strong fa-
vorite to repeat the feat. Reggie Isaac
(212 pp.) and Larry Stewart (1
p.p.) are coach Ron “Fang” Mitchell's
best producers. South Carolina State,
which won 25 games two years ago,
dropped to 13-16 last season. Eric
Sanders, a 610" transfer from Virgi
ild help the Bulldogs solve the
problems that plagued
them last season. Delaware State returns
d Tom Davis (23.9 p.p.g.), the

nce’s scoring champ for the past

MIDWESTERN

r has had a great five-year run
under coach Pete Gillen, making the
NCAA. 101 M last

every year

219

FLA TED

the graduation of
6'10" stars Tyrone Hill and Derek Strong
leaves the Musketeers without an inside
scoring-and-rebounding punch. Guard
Jamel Walker (15.1 p.p.) will carry the
len until sophomore center
on Williams and freshman forward
k Edwards find their touch. Mar-
quette will challenge the Musketeers de-
spite losing high-scoring guar
Smith (23.8 p.p.g.) to graduation.

coach Kevin O'Neill will rely

rd Trevor Powell (16.8 p.p.
and three-point sharpshooter Mark
Anglavar until seven new players (thre

transfers and four Ireshmen considered
top-100 recruits). become acclimated.
Detroit, 10-18 last season, is the conte:
ences most improved team. Coach
Ricky Byrdsong. who turned down an
oller to take over
Rock, will count on returning
starters and 71" transfer John Beauford
to make the Titans contenders. Loyola-
Chicago has big-time scorers Keith
Gailes (26.3 p.p.g.) and Keir Rogers
(16.6 p.p.g.) back, but the Ramblers lack
size and depth. Dayton’s up-tempo
game will be slowed with the graduation
of Negele Knight and Anthony Cort
St. Louis will have a tough time eq
ing its 21-win total with the loss ol
thony Bonner, the leading
38 rpg).

MISSOURI VALLEY

four

bounder in

Ce
is the c
season. The Bluejays a

h Tony Barone's Creighton crew
lass of the Missouri Valley this
led by confer-
ence Player of the Year Bob Harstad
(222 pp), a 06" lorward, and 610"
center Chad Gallagher (17.7 p.p.g.).
Creighton is likely 10 get its third consec-
utive 20-win season and could make
some noise at post-seuson time. Tulsa

and Southern Illinois will give
Creighton its stiflest competition. Tulsa
is well balanced, quick, but undersized.
Southern Illinois, which won 26 ga
Last good talent r
but will miss leading
Jones, who has gi
straight years as Mid-Continent Confer-
ence champion, Southwest Missouri
State moves over to the Missouri Valley
Coach Charlie Spoonhour's job is com-
plicated by the graduation of Mid-
nent Player of the Year Lee Campbell,
top ficld-goal percentage shooter in
iion ] last season.

ebounde

'onti-

NORTH ATLANTIC

Last season, Northeastern. won the

regular North Atlantic conference
schedule and Boston University took the
league tou thereby ear

the
the first round of
tournament, Despite some
ation losses, both teams again ap-
to be the favorites in the N.A.C.
Northeastern returns Steve Carney, a

677" forward who holds every individual
conference rebounding record. Boston
University has a new coach, Bob Brown,
ad 610" Russell Jarvis, who sat out last
season. Vermont showed marked im-
provement toward the end of last season
nd, with all five starters. returning,
could be a factor.

NORTHEAST

Expect a tight three-way race
Northeast Conference among Fai
Dickinson, Monmouth and last se:
champ, Robert Morris. Fairleigh Dick-
inson is led by center Desi Wilson (22.3
p.p). last season's. conference Player
of the Year. Monmouth’s Alex Black-
well (19.7 pp), a 67" jun

w power

I" Steve

forward, will ger help from 6
a transfer La Salle
? excellent returning squ
in relative obscurity because of an
A. prob that prohibits it
from post-season play or TV exposure.

OHIO VALLEY

Last season, Murray State won the
Ohio Valley regular-season and post-
season tournaments and then almost
knocked off Michigan State in the first
round of the N.CAA. tournament
(75-71 in overtime). The primary rea-
son for the Racers’ success is Ri
“Popeye” Jones, a 6'8" junior cei
lost 55 pounds on a medically super-
vised diet and went on to win O.V.C
Player of the Year honors. The Racers?
strongest competition this season will
come from Middle Tennessee and East-
ern Kentucky.

PACIFIC TEN

Arizona is the top team in the Pac 10
and, with UNLV's problems, the best
team in the West eligible for N.C
tournament play. Coach Lute Olson,
who has guided the Wildcats to a 162-4
record in seven years, continues to lure
some of the best basketball talent in the
nation. He persuaded 66" guard/for-
ward Chris Mills to transfer to Arizona
after Kentucky was placed on NCAA
ner Playboy Coach of
the Year also recruited Khalid Reeves, a
flashy 6'3" guard from Queens, New
York, who averaged more than 2
last season. The Wildcats retu
key players, induding guard
Muehlebach and 611 forwards Sean
Rooks and Brian Williams, the latier ol
whom transferred two years ago from
Maryland and has yet to consistently
meet expectations. The Wildcats have a
47-home-game winning streak.

UCLA advanced to the N.C.A.A. Final
16 last season for the first time since
1980 and coach Jim Harrick ip
going even fin despite the
graduation of three-time Pac 10 forward
Trevor Wilson. Playboy All-Amer
ward Don MacLean is the Bruins’ mar-
quee star, but Tracy Murray at €
and guards Darrick Martin and G
Madkins are all solid returning starters.
Of course, UCLA has profited [rom
UNLV's problems, picking up outstand-
ing prospects Ed O'Bannon and Shon
Tarver. The Bruins also added 7'6", 290-
pound center Mike Lanier, a transfer
from Hardin-Simmons. Lanier, whose
twin brother plays for the University ol
Denver, wants to sit ont a year to lift
weights. Yikes!

Stanford center Adam Keele has our
vote this season as the best play
probably never heard of. The 6'9" junior
averaged 20 p.p.g. and 9.1 rpg. last

probation. The fe

es
her this vea

r you've

season. With all starters returning. the
Cardinals will make the 64-team cut.
Southern Cal, Arizona State and

California will duke it out for probable
fourth and filth N.C.A.A. ment
slots for the Pac 10. Coach George Rav-
eling has his best team in five seasons à
Southern Cal. Guard Harold Miner
(20.6 p.p.g.) was the Pac 10 F an of
the Year last season.
cessful year lor the Trojans will be
proved delense. Arizona State
Frieder will y as three new-
comers around 6 10" ce c Austin.
s hoop ex-
nly one season,

of the

The key to a suc-
n im-

hopes 10 capi eren qu
best recruiting classes in the
ifornia coach Lou Campanelli is com-
mitted to the fast-tempo perimetet
that netted his team 22 wins last se
Forwards Bri
er are the best of the G

PATRIOT

iot Leagu
». Made up of
merly in the Metro Atlantic,
and North Atlantic conferences, th
ner of the Patriot League tourna
will play the winner of the Northeast
Jonlerence for an automatic N.C.AA
nt berth. The strongest teams
he new league are Fordham, 20-13
last season, and Holy Cross, which
Imished 24-6. Damon Lopez, a 69" for-
Weemer who grabbed age of
rpg. and guard | leau
Fordham's best players. Holy Cross's
Iris 610° center Jim Nairus.

SOUTHEASTERN

1t was a frustrating ye
State coach Dale Bi
picked to f

ar for Louisiana
n. The Tigers,
h in the top three natior

ally in son polls, never
gelled, playing alternately brilliantly and
dismally, finishing 12-6 in the confer-

ence, 23-9 overall, and advancing to
only the second round of the N.C.A.A.
tournament. Then Chris
ready the si
history after just two y
in Brown's dream of a natie
onship crown, announced |
ble lor the pro draft. To top things off,
scven-h ley Roberts was de-

. Brown,

the

All-America Shaquille
"j, whom he affectionately
as “a warrior.” With exper
such as Vernel Singleton
ng, the question

for Tigers lans
vacated pe

sfer from Tennessee-Martin, is

HOW TO BUY

Playboy increases your purchas-
ing power by providing a list of
relailers and manufacturers you
can contact directly for informa-
tion on where to find this month's
merchandise in your area. To buy
the apparel and accessories shown
on pages 98-101 and 225, check
listings below to locate the store
nearest you.

Great Gretzky

Pages 98 and 99: Jacket, pants and pocket
square by Piero Dimitri of Italy (by appoi
ment only), 212-431-1090, 110
Sixth Floor, NY.C. 10012; Dimitri Stud
8981 Sunset Blvd., L-A. 90069, 213
3700. Vest, formal shirt and bow tie by Mark
Christopher of Wall Street, 212-608-0921, 87
Nassau St, Suite 405, N Y.C. 10038, Stud and
cuff link set from Peter Elliot, 212-570-2300,
1383 Third Ave., N.C. 10021. Socks by Peter
Elliot. Shoes by Bruno Maglı, 535 Madison
Ave., NY.C, 10022, 212-752-7900; 285 Geary
St, San Francisco 94108, 415-421-0336
Hanig s Footwear, 660 North Michigan Ave.,
Chicago 60611, 312-642-5330.

Page 100: Suit, vest and shirt by Gianni
Versace, at Gianni Versace boutiques, 816
Madison Ave., NY.C. 10021, 212-744-5572;
101 East Oak St., Chicago 60625, 312-463-
7010; 5015 Westheimer. Suite 2300, Houston
777056, 713-693-8290; 437 North Rodeo Dr,
Beverly Hills 90210, 213-276-6799.

Page 101: Suit and shirt by Bill Kaiserman, at
Allure, 1309 Walnut St., Philadelphia 19102,
215-561-4242; Martin Freedman, 1372

Broadway, NYC. 10018, 212-921-1030; Ron
Tarzana, Cal.

Ross, 18332 Ventura Bly
91 A
Chicago 60611, 312-266-7300. Bow tie and
cummerbund set by Joseph Abboud, at
Bergdorf Goodman, 754 NY
10019, 212-753-730
Newbury St, Boston 02116, 6I
John's & Co., 2501 East C;
Phoenix 85 955-1700. Cuff links by
Temple
106 Seventh Ave., NY.C. 10011, 2
9000; Stanley Korshak, 500 Cre:
Dallas 75201, 214-871-3600; Fred SegalG
for Men (by special order), 500 Broadway,
Santa Monica 90041, 213-451-9168.

On the Scene
Page 225: Belts from left to
right by: Ender Murat, at Cha-
rivari, 18 West 57th S
10019, 212-333-4040; Allure,
Philadelphia; Fred Segal, 8116
Melrose Ave., L.A.90046, 213-
651-4129. Cole Haan Accesso-
ries, 800-633-0000. Cole H
Stores, 620 Rockefeller Cen-
ter, N.Y.C. 10022, 212-
9747; 645 North
Ave., Chicago 60611, 312
Nicollet Mall, Suite 105, Minneapolis 55402,
612-339-4662; 260 North Rodeo Dr.,
Beverly Hills 9 285-0811; Marshall
ield's, 111 North State St, Chicago 60602,
312-781-1000; Dayion-Hudson, 700 On the
Mall, Minneapolis 55402, 61 0.

896-8300; Mark Shale, 919
i chicago 60611, 312-
9677 Brighton Wav.
3-275-2044. Peter

Beverly Hills 90210,
Barton, 212-683-5968. AKM, at Saks Fifth

Avenue, 611 Fifth Ave., NY.C. 10022, 212-
753-4000; Marshall Field's, Chicago: |.
Magnin, 1356 Stockton, San Francisco
94108, 415-3 100.

You may also contact the manufacturers directly for
information on where to purchase merchandise in
your area using the telephone numbers or
addresses provided.

Playboy Manufacturers A-Z
ARM, 90 Park Ave., N 10016, 2
2600. Bill Kaiserman cio Haas Le Pack &
Title, 47 West 37th St, NY.C. 10019, 212-371-
1850. Bruno Magli by UMA Shoe Co.
Triangle Blvd., C;
MAGLI-22. Cole Haan Accessories, 44 North
Elm St., Yarmouth, Me. 04096, 800-633-
9000, Dimitri of Italy, 110 Greene St, Sixth
Floor, N.Y.C. 10012, 212-431-1090. Ender
Murat distributed by Cornes, 350 Fifth Ave.,
Suite 4221, N Y.C. 10118, 212-239-6111.
Gianni Versace, 2012 Milan, via S. Primo 2A,
(011)(392)76013871. Joseph Abboud/].A.
arel Corp., 650 Filth Ave., 24th Floor,
NY 10019, 212-586-9140. Mark Christopher
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968. Peter Elliot Direct, 1383 Third Ave.,
d 212-570-6444. Temple St. Clair
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645-3828. Trafalgar, 60 East 56th Si

221

PLAYBOY

222

ham's biggest challenge
filling the gaping hole left by the grad-
uation of Alec Kessler, last year's Anson
Mount Scholar/Athlete and one of the

the nation. C o
season is guard
Green (17.5 p.pg.). Alabama showed

what taking care of the ball and good
defense can do against Loyola Mary-
wway-wain offense, nearly
Kimble

mount's
upset
69-60.

and company
n will field an-
other solidly ad, led by 68"
Melvin Cheatum (15.7 ppg) and
Robert Horry (13.1 p.p.g.)-

There's liule drop-offin quality as you
travel down the list of S.E.C. teams.
Auburn returns four starters in coach
Tommy Joe Eagles' second season. The
Tigers are still very young. Leading
scorer Ronnie Baule (17 p.p.g.) and
Chris Brandt (11.7 p.p.g.) are ret
Watch out for 6'4" freshman guard Wes-
ley Person, who averaged 33.6 p.p.g. as
a high school senior. His brother is
Tigers alum and two-time All-America
Chuck. Tennessee is another team that
will rely on youth. Allan Houston, the
S.E.C/s leading returning scorer, is a
66° sophomore whose father, W
happens to be the Vols’ head coach.
sreg Bell (16.6 p.p.g.) is another
ble point produce
ast season, coach Rick Pitino earned
his reported $850,000 salary by breath-
ing lile into a Kentucky basketball pro-
gram devastated by an NCAA
probation and the defection of several
Wildcats players. Playing with eight
scholarship players and four walk-ons,

g Bo

She wanted to
Spend New Years Eve ^
a httle cube m Eno
mountains and
party my ass off.
Gee ya la ev, babe.
ge

I wanted +
Sa 1 Said,
^ What did

none over 67", the Cats clawed their way
toa 14-14 overall and a 10-8 conference

ish. Pitino has lost only guard Derrick
ler while adding 6'8" Jamal Mash-
burn, a 26.3-p.p.g. performer in New
York City as a high schooler, and 6

meron Burns (18.2 p.p.g.) and Greg
p-p-g-) are one of the better
n the nation.
Vanderbilt, despite winning 21 games
last season, couldn't fight its way to an
N. A. bid. So the Commodores
tiled the N.I.T. championship instead,
king St. Louis in the title game 74
The Commodores will miss the leader-
ship of point guard Derrick Wilcox, but.
coach Eddie Fogler, who played nine
people in most games, has lots of depth
and experience returning elsewhere.
Florida entered last season as the de-
fending conference champion and a
top-25 pick by most pollsters. But the
Gators came apart under interim coach
Don Devoe, who had ta from
Norm Sloan before the s
Forward Livingston Chatn
team on January 14, then a week later,
Dwayne Schintzius, the talented 71"
center, also quit. The Gators lost 14 ina
row and disappeared from national con-
tention. Devoe, who gamely stuck it out
until season's end, was replaced by Lon
Kruger, the feisty former player and
coach at Kansas State. Krug
never missed an N.C.A.A. tourn:
in his four years at Kansas State—l

I Spent
iam r ntle
Cabin in the
Imoun Tai ns,

Sorry.

players back with lots
ligal son Chatma
his senior season.

Eddie-Murphy is playing at Mississip-
pi this season—Pawick Eddie and Sean
Murphy, that is, two 611" sei who
averaged 12 rpg. between them last
season. Joe Harvell (13.2 p.p.g.) and
Tim Jumper (11.8 p.p.g.) have the un-
enviable job of trying to replace the
24.1-p.p.g. production of Gerald Glass,
now producing in the N.B.A.

of experience, and
s returned for

SOUTHERN

East Tennessee State has lost only one
man from last season's team that won 27
games and the Southern Conference
tle—coach Les Robinson, who replaced
Jim Valvano at North Carolina State.
Robinson's assistant Alan LeForce has
taken over the program and the Bucca-
neers are nor likely to miss a step. Greg
Dennis (19.7 p.p-g.), at 6'11", will domi
nee at center and 57
guard Keith “Mister” Jennings is one of
the best small players in the nation. ETS
could well surprise a major power or
two come tournament time. Tennessee-
Chattanooga also returns all starters
from last season's .500 team. However,
ins, whose best player is for-
k Kirce (20.1 p.p.g.), don't
ave the size to challenge East Ten-
nessee State. Marshall has one superb
player, guard John Taft (93.4. p.p.g.),
and an N.C.AA. probation that pro
hibits the Thundering Herd from pre-
or post-season tournaments.

the Mocc

SOUTHLAND

Northeast L« iana should domi-
nate the Southland thi son. The In-
dians have two all-conference players
returning: Anthony Jones and Carlos
Funchess. Funchess led the conference
in three-point shooting (468 p
and Jones wasn't far behind (
cent). Both are also great leaps
taled 59 slam dunks betwee:
son. The addition of 610" JcfT M
ster from. Hardin-5immons,
won't hurt either. Northwestern State-
Louisiana may be the best of the rest of
a conference that, with the exception of
Northeast Louisiana, is evenly balanced

them last

SOUTHWEST

h Arkansas headed for an S.E.C
1 Conference
petitor in both
football and basketball. However, as long
as Nolan Richardsows crew still hangs
with Texans, they m well gr
other S.W.C. crown and take a serious
swipe at the national championship.
Arkansas is headed by Playboy All-Amer-
Todd Day, the eighth defensive won-
der of the world, and Lee Mayberry
Genter Oliver Miller, a junior, will get
help from 69" junior college transfer

We're looking for a
few good women.

She hos a special quality, a blend of beauty, poise
ond personality that says she's something special.
She's ambitious but hasn't surrendered her femininity
or her sensuousness. Independent and high-spirited,
she loves being a woman.

If you know someone who should be a Playmate,
ask her to submit one or more photographs (trams-
parencies, print or Polaroids are acceptable) of her-
self that show both face and figure, along with her
name, address, phone number, age and other perti-
nent biographical information to:

Playboy

Attention: Playmate Editor
680 North Lake Shore Drive
Chicago, Illinois 60611

For additional information, call 312-751- 5015.

Applicants must be 18 years of age or older. Playboy will
return submissions provided they are accomponied with o
self-addressed, stamped envelope. Playboy will make no
use of them except for consideration for Playmate potential.

PLAYBOY

224

Isiah "Butch" Morris. The Razorbacks
are Final Four material ag

Despite the loss of gi
and Lance Blanks, coach Tom Penders
will have Texas n nipping at
Arkar heels for the conference
championship. Joey Wright (19.5 p-p-g.)
will handle the point and may be jomed

by Maryland transfer Teyon McCoy, eli-
gible immediately because of the ferps
prot ermo Myers, a 68° cen-

ter, will get help from junior college
scoring champ Dexter Cambridge (33.4
ppg). Cambridge had 46 “threes” last
year and averaged three dunks per
game

Houston will be good but proba
not good enough to challenge Arkan:
or Texas, Forward Crai
back, but All-5. W.C. center Carl Herra
opted to pass up his last year of eligibil
ty to play pro ball in Spain.

Inconsistent play cost coach Shelby
Metealf his job in the middle of his 27th
season ats coach of Texas A&M. The Ag
gies have replaced him with Kermit
Davis, Jr, the 30-year-old former Idaho
coach. Davis has already brought cight
new players into the program,

bly

SOUTHWESTERN

The two best teams in the Southw
ern Conference last season, Southern
and Texas Southern, are likely to repeat
their one-two act. However, both lost key
players to graduation, offering hope to
up-and-comers Alabama State and Mi
sissippi Valley State. Alabama State is led
by guard Steve Rogers (29.7 p.p.g.), the
fifth leading scorer in Division I, and
Mississippi Valley State by Alphonso
Ford (29.9 p.p.g.), who finished fourth.

SUN BELT

South Florida, 7-21 in
had the nation’s best
finishing 20-11
Sun Belt tournament. V
returning,
Dobras (16.8 p.p.g.), and the addition of
junior college transfer Scott. Roczey, a
69" forward, the Bulls are the team to

1988-1989,

r starters
nduding guard Radenko

starters
However,

rom last season's 22-9 squad
coach Gene Bartow's best
guard Andy Kennedy (16.9
), is back for his ior year. The
Blazers have added 6'7" Stan Rose, a

i allege player, and V
'8" sophomore who sat out
1 season because of Proposition 48.
UAB's success hinges on
three-point shooting, a conference ca
gory it has led the past two seasons.
North Carolina-Charlotte could also
challenge dor the conference crown.
Guard Henry Williams (21 p.p.g.) is the
team leader. Coach Jeff Mullins recruits
include Jarvis Lang, a 66" leaper who
tered a backboard earlier this year
in an AAU. slam-dunk compet

lie

successful

Coach Sonny Smith, formerly with
Auburn, thinks his Virginia Common-
wealth recruiting class is good enough
to cost three returning Starters their
in the line-up. Kendrick Warren,
garded as the best high school player
in Virginia, heads Smith's list of talent

TRANS AMERICA

Last season was only Stetson coach
Glenn Wilkes's seventh losing camp:
(15-17) in 33 years. One of 11 active
coaches with more than 500 victories,
Wilkes will not likely allow the Hatters to
slip below .500 this season. In fact, with
two ol the dominant big men in the con-
ference, Derrall Dumas and Lorenzo
Williams (both 6'9"), Stetson is the odds-
on favorite to come out on top of the
conference race. Arkansas-Little Rock,
under new coach Jim Plau, will chase
the Hatters, led by guard James Scot
nd junior college tra
Caldwell, Georgia Southern, Centenary,
‘egular-conference champs last season,
and Texas-San Antonio could all chal-

lenge. Texas-S.A. first-year coach Stu
Starner successfully recruited Troy
House, the Texas high school all-time

leading scorer with 4529 points.

WEST COAST

While Paul Westhead, basketball guru
and Shakespearean scholar, has
his coaching act to the N.B.A. Denver
Nuggets, he leaves Loyola Marymount
to five-year assistant Jay Hillock, who
promises to change nothing in the hy-
perollensive style that netted the E ions
an N.C.AA record 122.4 p.p.

Bo Kimbl T Fryer
mer h

open for names such as
and Tony Walker
transfer Brian Me
»key. The Lions will get heat from
both San Diego and perennial confer-
ence rival Pepperdine. San Diego rc

rell Lowe:

and

turns 12 players from last year’s squad
and adds Reed Watson and Michael
Brown, both transfers from Mesa Com

munity College, the number-onc junior
college in the nation. Pepperdine,
coached by Tom Asbury, features Geoff
Lear, the conference's top. rebounder
and the only underclassman to make the
1990 AILAN.C.C. team

WESTERN ATHLETIC

One of the more interesting match-
ups of this season will come when Luc
Longley, New Mexico's 7'2" senior ci
ter, faces Shawn Bradley, Brigham
Young's 7'6" freshman. Longley, a Perth,
Australia, native who passed up the
chance to be a probable lottery pick in
this year's N.B.A. draft, has steadily im
proved his game under coach Dave
Bliss. Bradley, who has already enjoyed
the notoriety of a Sports Mlustrated story,
is the most heralded incoming. pl
in BYU's history. New Mexico, which

junior college tr.

has played in seven straight’ NLT
tournaments, returns three starters in
addition to Longley. Look for guard Ike
Williams, held out by Proposition 48 last
season, to make an impact. The Lobos
e a good shot at playing in a four-let-
ter tournament at the end of this season.
ng four starters from last
ham Young should again con-
tend for the W.A.C., provided that sec-
ond-ycar coach Roger Reid can meld
Bradley and six other new players into a
cohesive ui
It was laryngitis, not the play of his
team, that left Texas-El Paso coach Don
Haskins speechless and off the bench fc
ames last season. The Miners didnt
eem to mind, finishing 21-11 and de-
feaing Hawaii for the WAC.
ment championship. Haskins, who has
voice and three starters back, is clos-
ng in on the 600-win club (563-243)
Utah's Rick Mais jer was another

n pe Ss surgery after the
sixth game of the season. A wimmed-
down Majerus and the Utes should both
be quicker this yea

INDEPENDENTS

DePaul, which settled for
post-season berth after finishing 20-
returns all starters from a team that
played good defense and rcbounded
well but was weak offe ely. The Blue
Demons averaged just 66.5 p.p.g. and
had more turnovers (511) than
(496). Coach Joey Meyer is hoping that
sfer Joe Daughrity at
ward and redshirt forward Curtis
Price will complement the talents. of
David Booth (16.9 p.p.g.) and Stephen
Howard (144 p.p.g.), the Blue Demons’
best producers last scasc

While Digger Phelps begins his 20th
son as Notre Dame's winningest
coach (381-177), the criticism. from
some alumni grows louder. The Irish
finished a disappointing 16-13 and
didn't deserve the N.C.A.A. tournament
bid that resulted in a first-round loss to
"s success in foot-
only emphasized its under-
achievement in hoops. The situation is
not likely to improve for the Ir
son.

Miami coach Bill Foster has re
and been replaced by Leonard Hamil-
ton, formerly ar Oklahoma State. The
undersized Hurricanes return all but
one from last season's 13-15 squad. U.S.
International’s Kevin Bradshaw, the na
tion's number-two scorer (31.3 p.p.g.).
as for ason. Wright
State, which had the best record among
the nation’s independents (21-7), and
Missouri-Kansas City both look like 20-
game winners this season.

Here's hoping your team wins.

point

ret his senior s

STEVE CONWAY

ON: THE: SCENE

-A NEW YEAR'S BELT

f all the resolutions that you've made for 1991, stay-
ingin shape probablytops the list. To keep that new
shape sharp, and to get you motivated, here's a
selection of the latest looks in belts— rugged woven
and braided styles that are a cinch to win you compliments as
well as support your pants. Styles as wide as one and a half

inches are hot right now. That's slightly wider than last year's
beltof choice, the Western conch. Pants/belt combinations to
try include a narrow braided belt with rustic corduroy slacks
or with a cashmere sweater tucked into tweed trousers. Also
check out woven nubuck, a skin with a velvety, suedelike te

ture that will give your suit or sports jacket a casual feel.

Left to right: Leather hand-braided belt with color cords, smooth leather ends and brass buckle, by AKM, $90. Triple-braided leather belt
with reptile-printed ends and brass buckle, by Peter Barton, about $230. Leather woven herringbone-design belt with smooth ends and silver
buckle, by Trafalgar, $110. Nubuck hand-braided belt with etched brass buckle, by Cole Haan, about $60. Leather hand-woven belt with braided
leather cords, smooth leather strips and brass buckle, by Ender Murat, about $135. (Where & How to Buy on page 221.) Take a belt!

226

Sneak Peak

HEATHER HAASE
appeared in
both The ‘Burbs
and Gremlins 2.
She played

the young
Goldie Hawn
in Private
Benjamin,

too. We'd

be available

to play with
Heather

any time.

Mighty Marlon
The great MARLON BRANDO had
a delicious hit movie last summer,
The Freshman, in which he showed
off yet another talent—for ice skat-
ing. You'll see this face again in The
Godfather HI, but only as a portrait on
the wall. Brando's picture perfect.

GR APEVINE

Bustin' Out

Actress SHERYL LEE RALPH has grabbed hold of
aTVsitcom, New Attitude, in which she co-owns a
beauty salon. Rock musician/actor Morris Day
plays one of her employees. Ralph also beat the
Broadway boards in Dreamgirls and appeared on
Falcon Crest. Rare hair,

BUCKMASTER RETNA LTD.

Covering the Basics

Look who we discovered in paradise! College student TONI CALVERT
was hiding out among the orchids and the ocean when the producers of
TV's Jake and the Fat Man spotted her. Will the rest be history? Until that
mystery is solved, you'll have to be content with Grapevine. We travel all
50 states, just for you.

ALAN HOUGHTON

SUA 3
Bales or Tails
Hanging out in the hayloft with starlet
NICOLE MALCÉ would be a treat for any
cowpoke. For more, get Nicole's poster or
a copy of the Scorpions’ music video, while
you brush up on your campfire etiquette.

PAUL NATHN PHOTO RESERVE INC

Yup, that's TED NUGENT (left)
in a guitar roll with his new su-
pergroup Damn Yankees and
TAIME DOWNE, lead vocalist

from Faster Pussycat. Ted
and Taime help dispel the
lie that not all music is

canned. It can still be pret-
ty electrifying-

KEN SETTLE

POTPOURRI

VIDEO HOLE IN ON!

Phil Ritson gets our vote as the dean of golf in
structors, and now his golfing knowledge has
been captured in The Phil Ritson Video Encyclope-
dia of Golf, 11 VHS video cassettes that cover ev-
erything from Grip, Posture, Atm and Stance (tape
one) to How to Use the Wind to Win (tape 11).
There are also tapes on sand and chip shots.
attitude, how to hit the ball
crooked shots and much more.
1 be ordered for $17.95, postpaid, by
-6830. Play through!

Each tape c
calling 800

Ml utet nun

FOR OPEN-MINDED ADULTS ONLY

What is a four-lener word that ends in U-N-T and is a name fora
woman? Think carefully! If your answer is aunt, then Dirty Minds,
“The ¿huy Clues,” is for vou. In Dirty Minds. vou win
by guessing the correct clean answers to the dirty clues provided.
The nasty-game maven UDC Games in Wood Dale, Hlinois. are
responsible for Dirty Minds—which can be purchased at game, nov
ely and department stores for about $20. OK. what assists an ei
tion, sometimes has big balls hanging from it and is a big swinger?
Buy the game and find out, because well never tell

GENTLEMEN, YOU MAY SMOKE

For those of you who enjoy a fine cigar or a favor- 3
briar. theres The Compleat Smoker. a new 36- PT d : LOST WORLDS
page quarterly magazine devoted to the pleasures : TO CONQUER
Nicotiana tabacum. The first issue has articles
and the Tsai
more, and there'll be upcon
lore and
subsc

“Lost Worlds Inc. was cs-
tablished 10 satisfy the
sportswear requirements
of adventurous men and
women who demand the
highest quality" says
company president Stu-
art Clurman, a man who

fobace wrappers and

g stories on cig
ter views with pipe collectors. A years

50, sent to The Compleat Smok
ion, Dlinois 60204.

SMOKER ures success by the

Volume 1 ] Number 1

quality and authenticity

ol his classic military

yardstick, Lost Worlds is
successful. indeed. The
Army Air Forces horse-
hide flight jacket depict-
ed here is à reissue of

the original World War
Tivo model, Price: $500.
The Barnstormer. a full-
length belted shearling
coat. resembles the coats
worn by os while

fying open-cock

planes. Price:
call to 919.023.3. will
ell you how to order.

AS CRIME GOES BY

On June 4, 1949, “Dick Tracy married his
one true love, Tess Trueheart,” after an 18-
year engagement, and on March 6, 1831,
Edgar Allan Poe was expelled from West
Point for "disobedience of ord

ss neglect of duty” These
odds and ends of myster id mayhem
trivia be found in The Mystery Book of
Days, a $15.95 Mysterious Press hardcover
by editor-in-chief William Malloy thats a
day-to-day calendar of crimes and eve
both real and fictional. A bloody good
nightcap right belore bed

aces, In
andria, Virginia 22310-8010, spec
essed it—spectacul
g from dressi
des to some of the world’s is
such as Hot as Hell chili
sauce, Dat] Do-It Hot Sauce and 7
B-Q Sauce—is lis
log. You can even join the com-
uce-of-the-Month Club for $130

SAME TO YOU, FELLA

flipping somebody the bird
next time you're cut of
traffic. Les The Final Word, a
A" x 2 battery-powered black
box that, at the push of a but-
chin’ asshole!
uckin jerk!” and
n a loud, electron-
ic voice. No, we're not
ding—and don't you wish
you'd thought of it fi
Final Word sells in
department stores for $15. And

if you're the sensitive type,
eres also a G-rated versio
Somehow “Youre a dope!

“You're an idiot!” "Drop dead!”
and "You stupid jerk!” just
don't cut it for us.

SOMETHING TO TOY WITH

Back in June 1989, Potpourri featured Mint & Boxed, a British-based
n that issues a semiannual catalog cra

with vintage playthings. Mint & Boxed has recently opened a Man-

hattan gallery at 1124 Madison A New York 10028, so tovland

isiting it. Mi 2-794-4000. lts the ultimate
old-fashioned Christmas at anything but old-fashioned prices.

SUPERCHARGED

th, the world's fii

t car-
s just hit

on—of bathing
cr. And when
juve
your soothing bath, there
on your bubble
y. ActiBath’s manu-
turer, The Andrew Jergens
Company in Cincinnati, cur-

isculine scent)
Floral Spring. Five tablets cost.
about ten go for about
Look for them in department
and drug stores. Bubble your
trouble and stress aw;

NEXT MONTH

WAGER WIZARDS

“MY LIFE WITH JOANNE CHRISTIANSEN"—A DE-
TAILED PREDICTION OF THE FUTURE WITH THE WOM-
AN OF HIS DREAMS (OR, AS IT TURNS OUT, THE
WOMAN OF HIS NIGHTMARES) DISCOMFITS OUR HERO
IN A WRY TALE BY MARK ALPERT

LENA OLIN REVEALS UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES
SHE REALLY WEARS HATS, TELLS US WHAT MAKES A
GOOD DIRECTOR AND HOW A NICE SWEDISH GIRL
SURVIVES THE COLD IN A STEAMY “20 QUESTIONS"

“SURE-FIRE GIFTS FOR BABES"—PRESENTS THAT
WILL TICKLE YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FANCY

"THE YEAR IN SEX 1990"—CELEBRITIES, POLITI-
CIANS, EVEN CLERGYMEN GOT IN ON THE ACT AND
OUR MADCAP FEATURE UNCOVERS IT ALL

"ANATOMY OF A POINT SPREAD'"—BEFORE YOU
PLACE YOUR SUPER BOWL BETS, MEET THE GUYS
WHO PICK THE NUMBERS YOU MUST BEAT—BY AN-
DREW BEYER

GENE SISKEL AND ROGER EBERT SHARE THEIR BEST
AND WORST CELEBRITY STORIES AND REVEAL WHY
THEY NEVER SHARE MOVIE REVIEWS BEFORE THEIR
‘SHOW IN A SLUGFEST PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

NAUGHTY NIGHTIES

"LINGERIE"—A PLAYBOY PICTORIAL EXPLORES THE
TIMELESS APPEAL OF THAT PERFECT COMBINATION:
SEXY UNDERGARMENTS AND GORGEOUS WOMEN

“ZACK AND JILL"—THIS COUPLE'S IN LOVE, BUT
JILL'S SUCCESS CAUSES ZACK ANXIETY—FICTION BY
CONTRIBUTING EDITOR KEVIN COOK

"MURDER MOST FOUL"—THE HUNT FOR THE KILLER
OF FIVE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA STUDENTS HAS BE-
COME A GRUESOME LOOK AT MALIGNANT INTELLI-
GENCE—BY MIKE REYNOLDS

“HARRY CONNICK, JR.'S, BIG BREAK"—NO. HE'S
NOT FRANK SINATRA, HE'S NOT TONY BENNETT,
BUT THIS WHITE BOY FROM LOUISIANA IS ON HIS WAY
TO BECOMING THE WORLD'S NEWEST JAZZ-SINGING
SENSATION—BY STANLEY BOOTH

PLUS: A PEEK AT WHAT MEN ARE WEARING UNDER
THEIR SUITS IN “A SEXY SHORT STORY,” BY HOLLIS
WAYNE; “HOME, SMART HOME,” A GLIMPSE AT
STATE-OF-THE-ART ELECTRONIC GADGETS TO BRING
YOUR DIGS UP TO DATE, BY JONATHAN TAKIFF; AND
MUCH, MUCH MORE

aa:
KENT

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

TE
Light. — Lighter. Lightest.

Kent: 12 mg. “tar; .9 mg. nicotine; Kent Golden Lights: 8 mg. "tar; .7 mg. nicotine; Kent Ill: 3 mg. "tar; . mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC Method.

ingle ells,
ingle ells.

The holidays arent the same without.

J&B Scotch Whisky. Blended and bottled in Scotland by Justerini & Brooks, fine wine and spirit merchants since 1749.
To send a gilt of J&B anywhere in the US., call 1-800-528-6148. Void where prohibited.

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