PLAYBOY

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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN FEBRUARY 1991 • $3.95

ERN ү”.

x < | OUR SEXIEST

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PLAYBOY

DAVID LYNCH OUT INTERVIEWS

| HARRY CONNICK, JR., SISKEL &
| MAKING THE WORLD EBERT

| SAFE FOR JAZZ

DEATH STALKS

A CAMPUS:

THE MURDERS IN
| GAINESVILLE

INSIDE LAS VEGAS:
HOW THEY SET
THE POINT
SPREAD

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PLAYBILL

1 Has een sun that everyone has two careers: a regular job
and movie criticism. If you wonder what the towering and ex-
pansive critics of our aye—Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert—do
with lir spare time, the answer is obvious: criticize each oth-
er. In this month's Playboy Interview (two thumbs uj the
combative kings of film crit tec of on bad movies and on each
other, but not in that order Contributing Editor Lawrence
Grobel tossed up the que 1 ducked the cross

While you're hanging out in the lobby of the Playboy multi- Crone ыл
plex. you'll want 10 check out You Are Now Leaving Тот Peaks,
Steve Pond's Playboy Profile of David Lynch, the man who sin
glehandedly pur nightmares back into the American dream.
20 Questions with Lena Olin should also be on your must-see
list. In The Unbearable Lightness of Being, this Swedish be:
did more for bowler hats than anybody since Charlie €

OK. we have critics, a director and a st anybody for a
sound track? Take Harry Connick, Jr., the young (1988 was his
first Presidential election) jazz musician whose sound track
lor When Harry. Met Sally sold 750,000 copies. Stanley Hawany
Booth—who was writing about jazz and blues belore Connick
was horn—jgives perspective to Harry's rise to stardom,

Last May. as Playboy hit the stands with Andrew Beyer’s piece
on horse-race betting. the writer won $110,000 on a double-
(picking the 1-2-3 finishers in two races) at Balti-

hores Pimlico race track. Alter turning in this month's
Anatomy of a Pomt Spread (illustrated by John Howard), Andy
went to Laurel race track in Maryland and hit
ble-triple, this time for $189,000. So pay attention

Every now and then, a crime is committed that is so coon
heinous it makes you wonder at the human capacity for eruel-
ty. Such a crime oceurred last August. when a killer (or killers)
brutally murdered five students near the University of Flori-
da campus. In The Terror in Gainesville (Musi «| by Tim
O'Brien). Michael Reynolds probes a horrifyingly dark psyche.

As befits a February cover date, our lead heion—Zach $
Jill, by Contributing Editor Kevin Cook—deals w
card artists in love. These two stop blowing valentines at
other when she gets a big job and he's left home to mess up
the apartment. Mark Alpert’s story Му Life with Joanne Chris-
tiansen shows the value of a friend who can discern the out-
come of a love relationship that hasn't even begun

TÉ these fictional guys bought better valentine gilts for their
dolls, all their problems might cease. As a public service, we
present Sure-Ene Gifts for Babes, a superior guide by Articles
Editor John Rezek, illustrated by fashion artist René Gruav.
in lor our dear in Sex feat and what a
lusty 12 months it has been: In addition to all the crotch grab-
bing and raunchy rapping, there were repeated cases ol
politicoitus and Constitutionophilia. The section was put to
bed by Senior Editor Gretchen Edgren, Senior Art Di
Bruce Hansen and Assistant Photo Editor Patty Beaudet.

Belore there was the nude photo, there was the da
drawing. and Morgaret Brundage—lamous for her covers ol
Weird Tale among the greatest practitioners of aut.
Longtime Playboy contributor Ray Russell offers up an appre-
ciation, Of Human Brundage, along with lots of visual aids. We
also have photos, ol course: Contributing Photographer
Byron Newman shot th st in lingerie (modeled by,
among others, Playmate of the Year Renee Tenison) and Paul В,
Goode caught the rippling essence of the women’s bodybuild-
ing movement Тех Appeal.

Se x those hot treats, you'll realize the difference be-
tween February, the month, and February, the Playboy issue
Our thermostat is always in the comfort zone, Come on in

triple be

mother dou-

ALERT

It's time once а

g

RUSSELL

NEWMAN ЖҮ

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), Fe
Playboy, 680 North Lake Shi
fices. Subscriptions: in the U.S., S

Published monthly by Playboy и
nd-chiss postage paid at Chicago. Hl
Playboy. PO. Box 2007. На

ary 1991, volume 38. number
© Drive, Chicago. Ilinois 60611. Sec
1.97 for 12 issu

Postmaster: Send address change t

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PLAYBOY.

vol. 38, no. 2—february 1991 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

PLAYBILL . 3

DEAR PLAYBOY 9

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS D 13

MEN ASA BABER 26

WOMEN ..... CYNTHIA HEIMEL 30

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 33

THE PLAYBOY FORUM 37 је alid

REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK: GOING GUSHY ON Oll—opinion ..... ROBERT SCHEER 47

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: SISKEL & EBERI—candid conversation... p Ee ST

HARRY CONNICK, JR, GETS THE BIG BREAK-—erticle STANLEY BOOTH 62

FLEX APPEAL—pictorial 3 LOS 66

THE TERROR IN GAINESVILLE—article MICHAEL REYNOLDS 72

ZACK & JILL—fiction ..... , : ..KEVIN СООК 74

THE YEAR IN SEX—pictorial 76

SURE-FIRE GIFTS FOR BABES—article M Sn „JOHN REZEK 84

THOM'5 CRUISIN'—playboy's playmare of the month... во

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor 98

MY LIFE WITH JOANNE CHRISTIANSEN- fiction. . MARK ALPERT 100

SILK BOXERS!—fashion . HOLLIS WAYNE 102 | і

YOU АВЕ NOW LEAVING TWIN PEAKS—playboy profile STEVE POND 104 Еа >
THE DEMONS OF DAVID LYNCH 3 -. MARCIA FROELKE COBURN 156

OF HUMAN BRUNDAGE- nostalgia ........- > . RAY RUSSELL 106

20 QUESTIONS: LENA OLIN 112

ANATOMY OF A POINT SPREAD—article ANDREW BEYER 114

SHEER MADNESS—pictorial 118

PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 161 Perfect Presents

COVER STORY

Love is in the air and its time for Sheer Madness, our sexiest lingerie pictorial
ever. On our cover, Pamela Anderson, Miss February 1990, reminds us that
beautiful things come in beautiful packages. The cover was praduced by West
Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski, styled by Jennifer Smith-Ashley
and shot by Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. Hair and moke-up
were done by Tracy Cianflone. Our Rabbit always stays abreast of things

PLAYBOY

The plot is simple
and memorable:
the world's most
ravishing women
reveoled in thoi
most intimeto,

luscious laco fill
out the scenario.

Playboy's Book
of Lingerie. And
it's at your news-
stand now.

©1990 Playboy
x

Private Moments

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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing cdilor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director

EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: ону REZEK editor: Pin мони
senior editar; FICTION: Nac. & v ext elion;
MODERN LIVING: payin sitis senor edi-
Шү; DO WALKER asocia editor: BEALL омым ds-
ммаш editor; FORUM: Kir NOLAN алм
editor; WEST COAST: sitis ana editors
STAFF: єткєн ни лик senor айол: руме R
PETERSEN senior staff writers BRUCE КЫ CUR, МАК
BARA NELLIS associale edilors; jons аз эк Maffie
coordinator: FASHION: nouas ware editor
VIVIAN can asistam editor: CARTOONS:
MICHELE URRY editor: COPY: ALENE HOU KAS
editor: UAC RIE ROGERS assistant editors MRY ло
senior researcher; LEE вил ЕМ. EN
үк CAREN, nua vast. REMY SM researchers
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: 451 нук. DENIS
MOVIES, REVIN COOR. JAURENCE GONZALPS:
LAWRENCE GROBEL (УМА HEIMEL WILLIAM |
MELMER. WALTER LOWE, JR. D. RENIE MANO, JOE
MORGENSTERN. REG PODHERION, DAVID RENSIN.
RICHARD RHODES, DAVID SHEFE DAVID STANDISH

MORGAN STRONG, BRUCE WILLIAMSON. орост, St
SAN MAKGOLISAUINTER
ART

kewe oer managing director: WUC MANSEN.
сик seski. LEN WILLIS senior directors; ERMC
SHROPSHIRE associate direcion: KRISTIN KORJENE.
Jost PACZEK assistant director; KELN nihit
jumor director; ans sti. senior Пете and
Paste-up artist; BILL, мемл, FALL CHAN ar ах
иш»

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARIAN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEPE coni
managing editor; LINDA. KENNEN. JAMES LARSON.
MICHAEL ANS. SULLIVAN assaciale editors; ТАГУ
wrxc ner assistant editor/entertamment; vost
rosak senior staff photographer: SNE CONWAY
assistant photographer; WAID CNAN. RICHARD tit:
TEV. лима PREVIAS, RICHARD IZLA, DAVID MECO
пуком NEWMAN, SIEGES wa contributing pho
tographers: suiit. wras МУД: Steve revert
color lah supervisor

MICHAEL PERLIS publisher
JAMES SPANFELLER asociate publisher

PRODUCTION
JOUN MASTRO director: MARIN MANDIS manager:
RITA JOHNSON assistant manager; JOD [UR
RICHARD QUARTAROLL CARRIE HOCKNEY assests

CIRCULATION

magnata GUIMAN subscription ciscultition diretor
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DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBDY
PLAYBDY MAGAZINE
(680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, ILLINDIS 60611

PLAYMATE PEN PALS

I am a commander of an Infantry
company currently deployed im Saudi
Arabia under Operation Desert Shield. I
have read and enjoyed your magazine
for many years.

My purpose in writing is to ask your
assistance in obtaining some corre-
spondence that would greatly boost the
morale of the entire unit. Because of
Saudi Arabia's strict religious laws. sol-
diers are unable to receive Playboy or any
other adult magazine that displays pic-
tures of women that the country deems
unsuitable (i.c., nude). Soldiers are per
mitted letters and often receive some
from ordinary American citizens. They
can be addressed to “Any Soldier,” so
that those who don't normally receive
mail are not forgotten.

A letter from one of your Playmates
would definitely be something for the
soldiers to remember. She need not pro-
vide her return address unless she de-
sires to do so.

Thank you for your kind attention,
and keep up the good work.

Capt. Bobby J. Simmons, Jr.

Commander, HHC 1/502 IN
101st Airborne Division (AASLT)
APO New York, New York 09309

Our morale-boosting Playmates are on the
job, Captain. In Operation Playmate, more
than a dozen, starting with Playmate for a
Lifetime Kimberley Conrad Hefner, have al-
wady dispatched letters to troops in Saudi
Arabia. We'll make sure your own men have
something to cheer about at the next mail call.

BIG BAD JOHN

Michael Kelly's profile of John Su-
nunu, Big Bad John, in your November
issue is most enlightening. Matching ap-
with behavior, one gets a vision
the Pillsbury Doughboy in
hoid rage.” His behavior is
nothing more than a chapter from Re-
venge of the Nerds. Sununu is one of those
intellectually gifted people who use
adult positions of power to exorcise

demons of childhood inadequacy. He is
(to use Dick Cavett's delightfully apt
characterization of Pat Buchanan) an in-
tellectual thug
Finally, I must add a caveat. When
confronted by people such as Sununu,
many might be tempted to exact the
same punishment with which Big Bad
John threatened Dick Lesher; ie., 10
chain-saw their private parts. That
would be impossible: The Sununus of
this world act as they do precisely be-
cause they never had balls to begin with
Joseph Т: Corbett
Norman, Oklahoma

BABER

I read Asa Baber's Men column “The
True Sister Profile” (Playboy, November)
with a mixture of amusement and fasci-
nation. And here I thought that I was
the only feminist who liked men to the
point of siding with them on certain is-
sues (such as joint custody).

I am a NOW member, yet I get very
annoyed at folks such as Molly Yard and
other loudmouths. Why does being a
feminist have to be equated with brassi-
„ rudeness and hatred of men? I'ma
nist mostly because [ agree very
very strongly with the pro-choice stand.
I'm the director of a local pro-choice or-
ganization, in fact. But I fail to under-
stand why a woman cannot be a feminist
and at the same time support men on
their issues when they are right, take a
casual, enjoyable approach to sex and
sexual jokes and truly enjoy men for
who they are. When I realized that 1 was
а feminist, I thought it meant a person
(female or male) who liked both women
and men, and who simply wanted to see
both treated equally and fairly, Was 1
wrong? I hope not!
eue L. Ravinsky
adelphia, Pennsylvania

р!

My compliments to Аза Baber for
“Dealing with Lady Macbeth,” his excel-
lent Men column in the October issue

Join
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CHANTILLY

PLAYBOY

10

about the frustrated visitation rights of
divorced dads. As a licensed clinic
psychologist specializing in such mat-
ters, I have seen the sad results of chil-
dren caught in the cross fire between
ngry ex-sponses
Children need a continuing relation-
ship with their fathers afier divorce, and
the “Lady Macbeths” must understand
that to thwart such contact puts thei
children’s psyches at
Fortunately, our le; system no
longer automatically favors mothers in
custody cases but, rather, considers the
best interests of the children. However,
it is unrealistic to assume that courts can
continuously play a supervisory role bi
tween feuding parents. This is particu-
la and their needs
а

nation rights include the rights of
children of divorcing couples as primary
beneficiaries, and it is high time th
both divorcing spouses got that

Randi Christensen, Ph.D., Director
Institute for Family Reorganization
Los Angeles, Calilornia

QUEEN LEONA

I was fascinated by Glenn Plaskin's
Playboy Interview with Leona Helmsley in
the November issue. Her defense of her
present legal situation is. questionable
because of her lack of credibility. About
Donald Trump, she states. ^I wont
anything bad about him,” then proceeds
to label him a snake, a bastard and a
erable s.o.b.

She demands that she not be psycho-
analyzed by her interviewer yet pro-
nounces judgment on her detractors by
deeming them sick individuals in need
of psychiatric help.

Helmsley portrays herself as a martyr,
a victim of political plots and personal
conspiracies. She blames her accounting
staff for recording $3,000,000 in person-
al purchases to her business accounts,

yet she is quoted as saying, “I'm not
compulsive, but 1 watch details. I'm al-
ways paying attention to them.” It seems
unlikely that а businesswoman who
trusts only her senile husband and a
handful of servants would place such
complete confidence in her accounting

Virginia Norwood
San Diego, California

Congratulations to Glenn Plaskin and
Playboy for the outstanding interview
with Leona Helmsley!

Despite her pleas of ignorance, the ev-
idence indicates that Helmsley knowing-
ly fudged on her income taxes. On her
side, there is validity in her claims that
she was persecuted by ambitious pol
cians and maligned by the media.

Nothing will be gained and much will
be lost by sending Helmsley to prison. lt
would be a crime to let such a dynamo of
talent and energy languish in a jail cell.

Better t0 fine her a few million dol-
lars, which could be applied to the cost
of President Bush's current military
extravaganza. Then put her back in bus-
iness and audit her taxes annually. She
would undoubtedly produce enough
revenue to help balance our ailing na
tional budget,

Frank D. Hammer
Groveland, California

TERI COPLEY

In my wildest dreams, Ud ofte
sioned the bountiful, beautiful Te
ley in the buff, knowing as I watched her

jiggle her way through all the episodes
of We Got ft Made that it could never
happen. Only Playboy (November) could
have pulled this one об. Thank you,
thank you.

Donald J. Bailey
Kimberion, Pennsylvania

MORE ON ISHIHARA

A friend recently alerted me to the in
terview with Shintaro Ishihara in you
October issue. It was shocking to read
the Japanese politician's denial of the
Nanking massacre in December 1937.

Ina recent textbook, The Search for Mod-
em China, Jonathan Spence states that
during the Rape of Nanking,
20.000 Chinese
lugitive

some
women were raped.
soldiers killed and

murdered. While
ans who were interned
location camps during World
War we getting $20,000 per per-
on, neither the governments of Chiang
Kai-shek and Mao Tse-tung nor any of
their citizens received a cent in repara-
tions lor the millions of Chinese who
suffered from Japanese biological expe
iments, tortures and executions between
1931 and 1945, Countless art treasures
looted from Chinese homes are in Japan
today. Now that the North Koreans may
at long last be getting some Japanese
it is not too late for the
claim to some

30,000

12,000

in U

Iwo

Japanese guilt money.

To state as Ishihara does that the mas
sacre ^is a story made up by the Chi-
nese” flies against the testimony given
before the ‘Tokyo War Crimes ‘Tribunal
and the eyewitness accounts of Wester
missionaries. Either the co-author of The
Japan That Can Say No gnorant and

upid, which | doubt, or he is deliber-
tely trying to whitewash Japan's wa
guilt in order to rationalize its ultr
ип and militarism, which I find

Tsing Yuan, Associate Professor
Department of Hi
Wright State Univ
Dayton, Ohio

ory
rsity

SAVING THE PLANET

I was incensed by Peter Sikowttz How
1 Got Religion and Saved the Planet
(Playboy. November). I don't deny that
our garbage dumps are filling
mighty fast, nor do | deny that
warming and ozone dissipation could
cause some serious problems in the next
cent

But we are too obsessed with these i
sues. I am childless and in my 40s—cei

tainly not an unusual situation—so why
should I restrict my enjoyment of con-
venient plastic goods, driving, burning
wood in my fireplace, whatever, for the
sake of younger generations that I didn't
spawn?

Frankly, 1 earn enough money so that
1 don't have to live near dumps or do
without sun screen when I'm boating or
cut back on gasoline il ‹ congress taxes it
As for the next generation's health prob-
lems, quite frankly, those are their prob.
lems.

et Loftu
New York, New Yor
Chet, does the word ostrich mean anything
to you?

THE PRICE OF NOT LEARNING
FROM HISTORY

Robert Schee Reporters Notebook
"Does Censorship Kill Brain Cells?”
(Playboy, October) makes a terrific point
concerning the serious problem America
faces with such people as “Batman”
Thompson and the other mongrels of
morality, Perhaps Dennis Hopper may
not have been far off in the movie Flash-
back when he said, “The Nineties will
make the Sixties look like the Fifties.
Once more, we face efforts to deny our
right to our individual thoughts, feelings
and wants, Our sexual identities are b.
ing repressed and our constitution.
amendments are being distorted. i
grotesque ways. As in the Sixties, we are
also being distorted m grotesque ways
As in the Sixties, we are also facing the
threat of war in the Middle East.

Can anyone see how history is once
more repeating itself? Are we willing to
come out of

ins and
liber-
Perhaps if we make our stand now,

cowardly coce
make a stand for our indivich
ties?

we will not have to relive the socia
rest of the Sixties.
Jon and Jennifer Keeyes
Oak Harbor, Washi

El

Traffic radar doesn’t say which car is being clocked, it merely flashes a number.
The radar operator must then try to determine which vehicle produced the reading.

Why radar makes mistakes.
How to protect yourself.

Although nine different errors have
been documented for traffic radar,
the most common source of wrong-
ful tickets is mistaken identity

It's hard to believe, but traffic
radar does not identify which vehicle
is responsible for the speed being
displayed. It shows a number and
nothing else. The radar operator
must decide who 15 to blame.

Traffic Radar Is Blind

Traffic radar works differently
from military, air-traffic-control, and
weather radars, The others use rotat-
ing dish antennas in order to track
many objects simultaneously

Traffic radar uses a far smaller, far
cheaper, antenna. This requires traffic
radar to ignore all reflections but the
strongest. The number displayed is
the speed calculated from the stron-
gest reflection.

The Best Guess
Remember, these reflections are
invisible. Truck reflections can be ten

times stronger then car reflections.
How can the operator know for sure
which vehicle is responsible for the
number?

The truth is, he can't be sure in
many cases. The result is mistaken
identity. You can be ticketed for
somebody else's reflection

Self Defense
The only way to defend yourself
against these wronpful tickets is to
know when radar is operating near
you. In his verdict upholding a
citizen's right to use a radar detector,
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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

PROFILES IN STUPIDITY

We're indebted to Mother Jones tor

confirming our suspicion that а bureau

crav's chief concern is covering his ass.
How else to explain the Drug Enlorce-
men Administrations — “sciemifically
tested profile” of the average drug
courier, on the basis of which DEA

agents have been searching and seizing

suspects at airports, in bus stations and
on highways?

Based on docui
als, Mother Jones reports, the profile has
wiggered searches based on the follow-
ing types of behavior

ө carrying new suitcases

e carrying old suitcases

e carrying а gym bag

è driving a rental car

ө driving a car that contains air fresh-
ener

mts disclosed in tri

e taking an “evasive and erratic path”
through the airport

e scrupulously observing traffic laws

e wearing a black jump suit

e wearing gold chains

© traveling 10 or fiom a "source city"
such as Miami, Los Angeles or Detroit

e being a member of “ethnic groups
associated with the drug trade

® appearing nervous

e appearing overly calm

e buying one-way tickets

e buying round-trip tickets

w

е traveling alone

о плус

with a companion
e deplaning from the front of the air-

©

© deplaning from the middle of the
airplane

ө deplaning Irom the rear of the air-
plane

Is that clear?

HOT FAX

Let's face it: The average press release
spends abour five seconds on an editors
desk. Thats why newspaper and maga-
vine offices have such large wastebasket,

Bur the мий Harry Allen, who repre-
sents the rap group Public Enemy, sends
out is an exception. Editors, radio and

ГУ personalities, music-industry power
houses, even churches and high school
English departments vie to get on the
fax list for his Public Enemy FadsLine.
That's because Allen has а zest for the
zinger, And he tells it as he sees it. His
take on Black Music Month: "When is
White Music Month? Apartheid isn't
dead in America. It just took singing
lessons,” When school officials їп High-
land Park, Michigan, a suburb of De-
troit, tried to prohibit any speech or
music by Public Enemy at a charity bas-
ketball game, Allen headlined the Fieis-
Line “is akon

rosse irs ммк” The
administration backed down.

Not all of Allen's readers ате hip to his
message, Aller he titled a blurb on a stu-

dent call 10 Washington “ronnie ENEMY
AND 5000 YOUNG LEADERS TO PAINT THE WHITE
HOUSE RED. BLACK & GREEN” event organiz-

ers got a call from nervous bureaucrats
at the National Park Service, the agency
charged with maintaining the Executive
they thought they'd
have to ward off a raid—or lay in a tank-
ful of paint remover

Allen's faxed

Mansion. Guess

releases also contain

ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO

such unconventional material as minicri-
tiques of the media and Chuck D's rec-
ommendations on the best restaurant in
Richmond. To wire in, call Allen's Facts
Number: 516-378-0482

FOREIGN EXCHANGE

We knew Japanese kids studied Eng.
lish in school, but we'd always figured
they practiced standard textbook phras-
es. the kind that would help them wh
they visited the branch
United States. You know, something lik
How much docs Carnegie Hall cost?
or “Which way to Detroit?
But no. A spy slipped us а copy of an
English lesson for Japanese students,
meticulously divided into sections ol
one-, two: and three-word sentences,
presumably for the use of the Nipponese
traveler
The one

n

office in the

word phrases are pungent
enough g them “Oops!” “Shit!”
Idiot!" and “Asshole!” and the two
word ones ("Nice putt!
It’s gorgeous!) intriguing,
but our favorites are the three-worders.
Consider the possibilities suggested by
“Alone ab last," "Wow, she's Телеу,
"My back itches,” "What an ass!” and
“Just keep pushing.”

amor

Great blouse!”

“Open up!

LINKS FOR LUNCH

Long to play a Lew holes but can't
out to the country club in the middle of
the day? Or lust for the chance to tackle
the legendary course at Pebble Beach
but can't swing the vacation time? Be-
fore long, you may be able 10 golf at
your neighborhood sports bar, day or
night, in all kinds of weather

Ihe technology's already in place in
such locales as the Midtown Golf Club in
Manhattan and som 50 other venues
U.S., and the makers of Par T
Golf predict that their apparatus. will
soon show up in hotels and health clubs
around the world.

из all done with mirrors—and com-
puters. The indoor goller, wielding a
full-sized regulation club, swings away
and the ball passes three cameras before

in the

13

14

Hanging with H ENNY

Henny Youngman, 84, first
hit the big time on Kate
Smith's radio show in the
Thirties. Lately, he has re-
ceived a lot of attention both
for his brief аррса
їп Goodlellas d for
athing op-ed piece he
wrote for The New York
Times. It was called
Nem di Gel” (“Take
the Money” in Yid-
dish) and it
about Andrew
Оке Clay. In-
trigued, we
caught up with
the violi
comic at New Yor! s Club,

Hello,” he bar just got back
from a pleasure trip. Took my moth-
in-law to the airport.”

The King of One-Liners is having
lunch. The old marble-and-wood
dining room is showbiz central; it is
also Youngman's second home. То-
day, the atmosphere is that of a Hol-
lywood shmoosefest, Dapper men
wearing pinkie rings greet one an-
other with hugs and back slaps. No
one is under 50 and no one stops
talking.

They call out for jokes like song re-
quests. Jokes they've heard.

“Henny, tell the Sears jok

“A man had nine children and his
wife told him to get a vasectomy. So
he got it done at Sears, Now, whenev-
er he makes love, the garage door
opens.

What's his secret? “Secret? Fm a
joke teller, understand? I have an acı
1 сап take anywhere. I dont need
new jokes; I need a new audience
There's no secret to it.”

Youngman turns to his tableful of
buddies, “I dont need dirty jokes. A
panhandler walked up to me and
said, “I haven't eaten in two days. I
said, ‘Force yourself’ Take my wile
please. | take my wile everywhere.
but she finds her way home. Clean!
Or here: George s is so old,
when he orders a -minute egg,
he pays up front. See, there's no dirt
there.

^I got mad ar that Andrew Dice
Clay. I thought, Maybe I can give this
guy a little advice. He's making a for-
tune, but he'll go down the drain.
People get sick of you. These kids are
funny in their neighborhoods but it
don't go over m Omaha.

Back at his apartment, surrounded
by piles of memorabilia and. books

(his latest, Take My Life, Please,
comes out soon), Henny contin-
ues to Avetch. “That raunch stuff
all hate,” he says. "Here, ГЇЇ
give you a funny joke about
hate: the late Leo
Steiner, who
owned the Car-
negie Deli,
didn't like
Arabs. Put a
sign in the win-
dow: wo ARABS AL
Lowen. Told his
employees to
charge any Arabs
who do come in double.
Arab walks in, orders a sandwich for
six dollars, he charges him twelve.
Next day, the Arab walks in and or
ders ten sandwiches. "Charge him
twenty apiece!’ says Leo. He pays it
Now he has а party for a hundred
people. “Twenty-five dollars per! He
s it. Next day, Leo puts a sign in
the window: No Jews ALLOWED.

A police siren wails outside. "I'll be
right down!” he shouts.
"Look, these guys are doing good,”

says Youngman. “They have no right
to do better than me. These guys get
a job overnight somewhere in a night
club and then everybody bu

The phone rings. “Hello
commercial on the eightec
sixteenth? I'm available. Hey
you seen Good Fellas? Vm i
see it, for Chris:
from the phone, deadpan.
know things are s
off ten percent of their hit men?

Henny plays himself in GoodFellas,
entertaining a roomful of gangsters
at the Copacabana, a gig based on his
past. “I played in front of everybody,”
he says nonchalantly. “I played in
places where the check-out girl's
name was Rocco, and the owner
would stab me good night. I was a big
hit.

“You can talk dirty in comedy," he
reminds us, “but if you don't make
living, you gotta find anot
ness. Roseanne Barr has
raunchy. She'll ruin her career. But
Whoopi Goldberg, she's a clever girl.
When I first saw her, I said, “You're
going to get а carcer in the movies.” 1
also told her, 1 know your cousin.
Whoopi Cushion

But Henny, dont you ever get
bored?

Hc
grins.

“Did you
» bad the Mafia laid

ngers his pinkie ring and
"Not on my salary.
SUSAN KARLIN

striking a large screen on which are su-
sed photos of the actual golf
nd an animated version of
As the real one bounces off the
ses the third camera once
entangle. On the ba-
sis of speed and angles of flight, the
computer decides where your ball has
landed. Cleverly varied artificial carpets
stand in for bunkers and roughs and an
on-screen message tells you how to han-
dle your putt at the finish

So far, Par T has simulated six golf
courses in the U.S., England, Portugal
and Switzerland. While checking out the
layout at Midtown, we picked up some
advice about Pebble Beach's killer 18th
hole: “Hook it over the water to the
ht; try to land it between the house
and the wee.” We tried but failed. Maybe
we'll do better on Spyglass Hill

screen, it
again but at a differ

OPERATION DESERT SHEATH

British sailors in the Persian Gulf are
protecting their artillery with condon
The commander of the auxiliary ship
the H.M.S. Fort Grange reportedly de-
scribed rubbers as having а “perfect fit"
rcrafi guns.
5 ms are common in the arca,
and the prophylactics keep the grit out
of the gun barrels. The tars jolly well
dont її any pregnant pauses in their

AS A RULE OF THUMB. ...

The more money people spend on a
wedding, the fewer years the marriage
will last

It’s better to show up for an appoint-
ment ten minutes early but a day late
than an hour late on the right day

Bet on the horse with the highest butt

On a first d h how your date
treats the waiters or the bartender
That's how she'll treat you after three
month:

Housing subdivisions
they destroyed

The mote people inv
conference, the less important the news.

Women marry thinking their hi
bands will change; men marry thinking
their wives will never change. Both are
wrong.

Adventure
ing.

IVs generally
n permission
If your shit floats, there's too much fat
r diet

wh

while it’s happen-

sier to ask forgiveness

th;

ous drinkers
r end of the
at the far end and the recently divorced
in the middle.

The easiest way 10 quiet a drunk is to
whisper to lum.

All of the above arc gleaned from a
pithy collection of sayings by Tom Pa
er, Never Trust а Calm Dog (Harper
Perennial).

‚ bores

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16

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

камила win John le Carré's. novel
may help a viewer grasp whats going on
in The Russia House (MGM/UA), an up-
to-date, complex tale of espionage that’s
more cerebral than exciting. Adapted by
playwright Tom Stoppard. whose way
with words doesn't especially clarify mat-
ters, the movie is rescued by star quality.
Michelle Pteifler, serenely beautiful with
an impeccable Russian accent; pl
the woman who takes a subversive
manuscript to a British publisher and
jazz enthusiast (Sean Connery, brillian

as usual), who likes to jam in his spare
time. Their slowly evolving love affa
gives Russia Howe a romantic glow, and

know this is a cla
Maria Brandauer plays the Sovie
st whose volatile, unpublished n
script could end the Cold War Roy
Scheide James Fox
plays his В » tries
hard to keep East-West enmity alive
Unfortunately, they spend too much
time listening to the action on headsets
Russia House only really grabs whe
Pfeiffer and Connery are on сат
era. УЗУ:

.
The year is 1955, the place Mont-
gomery, Alabama, where a bus boycott
by blacks finally establishes their right to
sit wherever they choose on public
transportation. The Long Walk Home
(Miramax) tells the story in highly per-
sonal terms, with Sissy Spacek as a nice
Southern matron whose life is devoted
to bridge and Whoopi Goldberg as her
stubborn black housekeeper who de-
k to work on principle. The
white lady's sternly segregationist hu.
band (Dwight Schultz) goes berserk
when he learns that his wife has started
driving over 10 pick up her “uppity”
naid out of simple human considera-
tion—as well as the desire to hold on to
good domestic help. Spacek and Gold
berg play their psychological tug of war
with masterly Know-how. Women first,
spokespersons second, they give Long
Walk Home a lilt despite из ploddin
d d TV-style direction. ЖУУ
.
Big-name actors all bur tr
another rushing to do sı
Woody Allen movies. and his Alice (Or
on) shows you why. This captivating
comedy of infidelity stars Mia ow
with William Hurt as her Yuppie hus-
band and Joe Mantegna as the horny
who lares her into a love all
ling with
le about a bored. housewile’s

cides to

э over onc
all parts

wusicia
In fact, Alice is an old story, ci
a pat fi

MOVIES _

Russia House's Connery, Pfeiffer.

All-star casts grace
Russia House, Alice
but can't save Sky.

road to sell-realization. That doesn't
matter, because nearly everything in be-
tween is enchanting, thanks 10 Alec
Baldwin, Judy Davis. Cybill Shepherd,
Bernadette Peters and Keye Luke—the
last as Dr. Yang, an Asian. mystic who
supplies Батом Alice with m
herbs and opium. At one poi
renders her invisible, the b
aut what's goin
Baldwin is equally good as a есед
lover whi back to remind
what she has been missing, while Pete
scintillates in her brief bit as a muse ung-
g Alice to try a writin Ах usual,
the sound wack sparkles with fiting pr
recorded melodies by everyone from
Bach to Liberace. Marvelously acted by
Farrow, whether she’s delicately smok-
» dope or brazenly seducing Mante-
gna, Allen's Alice is a headlong plunge
into comic fantasy and a feel-good movie
all the way. УУУУ

„ће even

ter to find

on behind he

с

.

The gifted creators of The Sheltering
Sky (Warner) also collaborated on The
Last Emperor, winner of nine 1987 Os-
са Writer-director Bernardo Bert
lucci, cinematographer Vittorio Stor
and adapter Mark Peploe have gone
wildly astray, the with the movie

у on of Sky, a difheult existential nov-
el by Paul Bowles, who also serves as the
films bookish narrator. Lust with a lites

age, and there's
y this endless psychodrama
y Debra Winger, John Malkovich

ary air seem
ple i

1 Campbell Scott as three rootless
Americans at large in the deserts of
North Africa afier World War То
Scene alter scene seems to focus on the
whereabouts of their luggage

they look a bit like refugees from
ingway novel or a vintage movie by An-
x 10 hell with themselves
bat otherwise going nowhere in particu-
Married to Malkovich, who lets a
tive shut press her bare breasts 10 his
open fly, Winger sleeps with Scott and
leaves her husband dead of typhoid
then becomes a desert nomad's harlot as
а means to survive, or maybe to become
aroused. Some of itis sexy, some of it vis-
ually splendid, but most of Sheltering
Sky is merely silly, abstruse and preten
tious. YY

ton

.

Looking more like the pilot for a
com Шап a major feature, Mermaids
(Orion) stars Cher as the wayward moth-
er of two growing girls. She's the kind of
woman who dresses up as a mermaid lor
а costume party; her imaginative first-
born (Winona Ryder, stealing any part
of the movie worth stealing) thinks she
pregnant after a young man kisses her.
This youngster has obviously. skipped
any classes in sex education while mov-
ing from town to town with he
mom. Opposite Bob Hoskins, as the
Massachuse owner
het, Che red. perform
ance, looking like nothing but a movie
маг with make-up untouched
throughout—even by a long soak in her
bathtub, The time ts the early Sixties, be-
lore and alter Kennedy’s assassination, a
trauma that director Richard Benjamin
plays up as if to give Mermaids depth. A
moviegoer is likely to come away with a
sinking fee tead. Y

.

Irish-born writer-director Jim Sheri-
dan, the man who made My Left Foot, is
less successful with The Field (Avenue).
Based on an h si classic about the
blood feud betwee
(Richard Harris) who has nurtured
green parcel of carth for generation
and the Yank businessi (Tom Beren-
ger) who intends to buy it, the movie is
potent. stuff im a theatrically. old-fash.
toned way. Harris, exuding the energy
ol an actor playing King Lear, gets
forceful matching performances. from
Berenger, John Hurt, Scan Bean and
Brenda Fricker (the Oscar-winning
mother in My Lefi Fool). They're so pow-
erful, in fact, that everything about The
Field seems slightly overripe- ¥8'/2

.

Ihe me harshly realistic
Agenda (Henclale) deals with |
the CIA,

who loves

s store

gives a man

eye

an Irish leascholder

Hidden
sh-level
British

involvin;

cover-ups

To experience
Lagerfeld PHOTO,

» open this panel
=<! and stroke your

= C
e ON wrist on fold.
4 I me Lae SS.

KODAK FILM

P ==

en

RA DIRUA HE
FOR THE

Lagerfeld PHOTO is inonaman,
uality

a woman, el
and excitement. it has
je for move. „a flash o

and sensuous leathery accents... from first exp
Lagerfeld PHOTO makes all the right moves-

KODAK FILM

99
ТОТ
а:

intelligence and the British army's quiet-
ly sanctioned outrages in Northern Ir
land. Directed by Ken Loach, Jim Allen's
provocative screenplay names names at
the top—up to and including Margaret

| Corbin: The face is familiar.

FF CAMER

| Everybody knows his lace, not

so many his name, but character
actor Barry Corbin, 7
that bother him. “I've got the
career, because people sec me in
different ways.” He was a sherill
in last year’s The Hot Spot with
Don Johnson, “a simple-minded
deputy” in TV's Lonesome Dove, a
à new movie, Career
Opportunities. He is also frequently
t as а millionaire (with John
ndy in Who's Harry Crumb?) ox
Gn Ch
Which Way You
enewed CBS-TV

n

as “а big Texas vil
Eastwood's Any

Can). In the just
series Northern Exposure, he's an
ex-astronaut who brings a young
doctor (Rob Morrow) to work out
his med school tuition in a remote
Alaskan hamlet. "Fm a kind of
overbearing good guy.” notes
Corbin. "My wile says 1 mostly
seem to play an eccentric authori-
ty figure.” Corbin's steady work as
а charact tor began about 20
movies ago in Urban Cowboy. “I
was John Travola's uncle, who
taught him to ride the mechanical
bull. I died in a petrochemical ex-
plosion—when lightning struck.”
А cheerful native of Lubbock,
Texas, he’s doing exactly what he
has wanted to do since he was
eight. He worked in local th
and attended Texas Tech prior to
а stint on stage in New York. "Now
Fm on Texas Tech's faculty,” says
Corbin. “They call me an adjunct
professor, whatever that is.” He
admits to “a soft spot for West-
ems" and ropes саше in charity
rodeos in his free time
ol typed myself, portraying people
from ту рам of the c
When I try anything else. I get k
ters from all over berating me.

питу

аза
ctionalized thriller about dark deeds
afoot in Bellast. The
proponent
d by Brad Dou:
ices McDormand) together with an
glish investigator (Brian Cox), who
begins to learn things about his country
that he would prefer not to know. The
acting is beautiful, the suspense keen—
until an abrupt, troublesome endin;
that leaves you with frayed nerves
stead of answers. That may be just how it
is over there. уз

murder of
of civil

liber

.

Good intentions collide with a movic-
star cgo in Dances with Wolves (Orion),
starting Kevin Costner, who also со-рго-
duced and directed this vanity outing.
Costner plays a Union Army officer who
sheds his Civil War uniform at a desert-
ed post out West. There he makes
friends with some Sioux and marries a
white woman (Mary McDonnell) who
has lived with the tribe since childhood.
Wolves is as pretty as a picture but at least
an hour too long. Whoa, Costner. YY

e.

Writer-director Alan ker has a
wonderful idea for a movie in Come See
the Poradise (Fox), but he can't quite
make it work. The romance between a
militant union organizer (Dennis Quaid)
and his Japanese-American wile (Tam-
lyn Tomita) gets off to a rousing, colorful
start with charming vignettes of life
in LA's Japanese community before

World War Two. After th ck on
Pearl Harbor, even American-born
Jap: © whisked off to internment

camps—and that's where Paradise begins
to unravel. When the union firebrand,
played very well by Q
form, he turns into an inelle
whose only real struggle
AW.OLL. so he can visit his wife. The real
story of what America's wartime panic
did to loyal nisei has yet to be told. YY
s

Already festival favorite from New
York to Berlin, The Nasty Girl (Miramax)
is a decisive portrait of a young West
German won investigating her
home town's carefully concealed secrets
from the era of the Third Reich. Cover-
ups of community guilt dating back to
the Hitler era are hardly a new subject,
but director Michael Verhoeven revital-
izes a familiar theme with freshness, au-
dacity and a compelling performance (it
а best-actress award at the Chicago
anal Film Festival) by Le
Stolze as the stubborn Sonja. After she
has started it all by entering an essay
contest, Sor s reviled by townsfolk as a
“Jewish slut” and “Commie bitch.” Ver-
hoeven’s stylized way of telling her
story—deliberately мару and unreal—
transmutes one woman's experience in-
toa neo-Nazi nightmare. ¥¥/2

to go

who

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Alice (See review) She's Mia wi

Woody Allen's droll Emtasy. wavy
Avalon (Reviewed 12/90) Barry
Levinson revisits Baltimore. wy

C'est la Ме (1/01) ily affairs and
small fry at a French summer re-
sort. wy
Come See the Paradise (See review)
Racism erodes romance during
World War Two. у»
Cyrano de Bergerac (12/90) The classic
poetic proboscis, grandly played by
Gerard Depardieu. УУУУ
Dances with Wolves (Sec review) Kevin
Costner goes native. sort ol. уу
Dork Obsession (12/90) Gabriel Byrne
and Amanda Donohoe get real in
England. YY
The Field (Sce review) A litle bit o
Ireland causes mighty big iou-
ble. wa
The Grifters (12/90) Above all, Anjelica
Huston makes it scalding hot. УУЧУ
Henry & June (1/01) The first NC-17
movie is a literate, lusty tr wy
Hidden Agenda (Sec review) More
dark conspiracies in Northern Ire-
land wy
The Kill-off (1/91) h recycled
from vet aher novel by Jim
Thompson.
The Krays (11/00) Gangsters in jolly
England: bloody good show. — Уууу
The Long Walk Home (Sce review)
Whoopi and Sissy face life in Ala-
bama. wy
Mermaids (Sce review) Cher sinks, ¥
Mr. and Mrs. Bridge (1/01) Mr. and
Mrs. Newman in fine form as upright
Midwesterners. wy
The Nasty Girl (See review) W did
you do when the Nazis came? Wh
Postcards from the Edge (11/00) Sent
with brio by Meryl Streep and Shirley
MacLaine. way
Reversol of Fortune (12/00) Sunny and
Claus von Bülow revisited. yy
The Russia House (See review)

Michelle, Sean strew star dust on the
steppes. We
The Sheltering Sky (Scc review) Out in
the Sahara, it dries up. уу

Toxi Blues (1/91) Moscow by night,
seen through a glass darkly, ET
Vincent & Theo (11/90) Altman studies
the Van Gogh siblings А
White Palace (1/91) Mismatched
lovers in a medium-warm томе, fre-
quently fired up by Susan Sarandon
and James Spader wy

YYYY Dort miss
YV Good Show

¥¥ Worth a loo!
Y Forget

7

DUST ЈИ

No surprise that when
it comes to renting
home videos, former
New York City mayor

and guts,” he says, át-

ing such favorites us

The Terminator, lethol

Weopon and Die Hard. "They're light, enter-
ing and you don't have to concentrate
too hard.” (Then again, Koch con be selec-
tive: “Rambo was shit.”) About the handful
of movies in Koch actually
appeared—including Woody Allen's seg-
ment of New York Stories and The Muppets
Toke Mankotton—the ex-hizzoner rehashes
the classic actor's lament. “I'm typecast,” he
sighs. "I usually play myself. Now I suppose
111 have to play David Dinkins. Guess I'll
have to buy some classy clothes." —susan KARLIN

VIDEO PIGSKIN

With the Super Bowl approac
may want to check c
vids— perfect for a half-time rewind.
The San Francisco 49ers: Masters of the
Game: This chronicle of the 1989 season
begins. “There are 27 teams in the
league, and then there are the 19ers.”
That about says it: Montana and Rice,
the ing comebacks, the play-off
Best t
g telli
We're doi

you

t a few gridi

moment
ajured teammate
Jett Full it for you.”
МЕ. Super Duper Football Follies: Pretty
standard stul, but nicely interspersed
with archival bloopers from the Filties.
Sixties and Seventies, Two must-catch
bits: the Cardinals’ Dan Dierdort’s
painful explanation. of the seemingly
foolproof center snap and the moon-
walk spike of the Colts’ Clarence Verdin.
The N.EL’S Greatest Hits: Painfully vivid
clips of some of football's all-time bell
ringers. A nice idea, but tape suffers
from a silly script involving a talking
computer and two loafing maintenance
men, Pass.

The N.KL's Hungriest Men: Not “the
Fridge" or “the Kitchen” but the guys
with the most desire and will to win:

Be: Walter Payton, Redskin Charles
Mann, 49er Roger Craig and Sam
Мусе, the never-say-die top dog of the
Bengals.

Super Sunday: From Lombardi's Packers

to Montana's “Niners, a

prehensive
ry ol the Super Bowl, Included:
Namath’s brash Super Bowl HI victory
prediction; the unstoppable Dol-

a
72

and Kansas City’s Super Bowl IV win,
featuring the historic side-line antics of
Chiefs chieftain Hank Stram.

DANCE REY
(АП tapes available fram N.EL. Films Video,
SOO-NFL-TAPE; $19.98 each.)

VIDEO JOURNEYS

ver getaways

Australian Special: Kind of Aussie
Endless Summer, this sports music video
explores the best beaches down under—
focusing more on the surfing scene than
on the sights. Interviews with world-
class boogie boarders aren't eye-open-
ing, but their feats sure are (Video
Releasing Co.)

Antarctic Challenge: Рип of
Plimpton’s The Challenge Series, thi
short, sweet (and proe
son about Ше on the world’s most bar-
ren continent, starring wildlife—from
penguins to sea birds to whales (Select
Video Publishing)

Rand McNally Videotrip: Great Honey-
moons: Alter eight marriages, hostess Zsa
Gabor knows something about new-
her

ronment) les-

lywed getaways. Here are favor

ites—from the Caribbean to the Po-
conos—resplendent with heart-shaped
whirlpool baths and round beds. Hey.
it's a мер пр from the state pen (Best
Film & Video Corp.)
The Orient Express: If you saw Marder on
the Orient Express, you know that every-
on board this stately vain from
Paris to Istanbul (via Vienna and Bu
dapest) is four star—from the food to
the service. But this poorly lit, slow-
video could use a filth star. Maybe
Bacall (Bennu Productions).
— HÀ

SEE TIKES

Best Self-Help-for-the-Defense-Department
Video: Compulsive Shopping; Kinkiest-Sound-
ing Video: Specialty Strokes; Favorite Vid
Couple: The Green Man & the Bearded Lody; Sec-
ond-Favorite Vid Couple: The Grey Lody & the
Strowberty Snotcher, Best Say What? Video:
Ноћ, Jugs ond Cobros, Best Thril
Video: About Follout; Best It's-a-Living Video:
Cut-Pile Rug Weoving.

1 Love You to
Death:
comic spin on
the true tabloid
tale of a woman
{Tracey Ullman)
and her philan-
dering hubby
(Kevin Kline] who live happily ever aft-
er—after, that is, she hires goofy thugs
William Hurt and Keanu Reeves to kill
im [RCA/Calumbia].

Dick Tracy:
Warren Beatty's
cortean copper
has more than
just crime ta
solve. Will he
stick by faithful
СЕ squeeze Glenne
Headly or stray with villainaus vamp
Madonna? A gaod-guys-win love story,
tapped by terrific cinematography and
Pacino at his funniest (Tauchstane).

WITH YOUR SLINKY VALENTINE

The Lady Eve:

Preston Sturges’

1941 screwboll

comedy about a

МА соп artist (Bor-

= bora Stanwyck)

wha zeroes in

ап o doddering

herpetalagist with lots of dough (Henry
Fonda), The l-love-my-snakes nan-

sense is contrived, but the script picks
up speed as it goes (MCA).

WITH YOUR KINKY VALENTINE

House
Dreams:
other

of
An-
X-rated
scorcher fram
L Andrew (Night
Trips, Night Trips
| M) Blake. Zara
Whites sizzles оз
ihe bed-dwelling beauty who conjures
up a host of torrid fantasies. As adult
vids move into the Nineties, Blake's
take the cake (Caballero).

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STYLE

CLOSE TO THE VEST

Reel Fashion: Movies are а great way to get tips on matching
your career to your wardrobe. For Three Men and a Little Lady,
for example, costume designer Louise Frogley chose classical
clothing by Ralph Lauren for the architect, played by Tom
del). Ted
the globe-

jacket
тооп,
Steve С
donned slouch
by Arma
5 If you
Jor fitness
you fitless

passion

le
the
‚ 500

has
in

line оГ sporis
and suits may be
what the fashion
consultant ordered.
Designed with added
room for pumped-up
pecs,
priced
and come in tradition-
al and Eu

the suits
По

styles.
Fashion Arms: We
r that Oliver North has gone imo the military-rag business.
Inder his own kabel, he’s marketing bulletproof vests for police
officers, security guards and anyone else in the |
no arms trades accepted,

Call

to

EUROPE FOR LESS

Flying a country’s airline is a good way to get
nd this winter, sever-
riers offer great
Through March 24, British Airways’ London
on the Town packages start at $485 and lea
ture round-trip air fare from 18 US. cities
nd nights at one of eight hotels.
Through April 30, Austrian А es Vienna
for a Song includes three- and six-night pack-
wes starting at 5199. Both include round
air fare from New York and accommodations at
one of several hotels... . Through March 28
France and Jet Va will take you from New
York or Washington, D.C., to Paris for the weeke:
Prices start at $599 and include air fare, accommo
tions and tour discounts

ТҮ

lives.

p

HOT SHOPPING: CUPID'S ARROWS

Tired of the basic Valentines Day candy-and-flowers rou
These are some unusual ways to say “I love you.” Ehe Grape Es-
cape: Give her a bub-

bly bath of Roederer

Estate California KAMA AZ HE КЕ
sparkling wine. At
$180 a case. it will While others are yanking at their
сом _ у LT ties and throwing their jackets off
$3385 то fill a 43- court, Lute “Cool
gallon tub. An Hand” Olson, coach
equal of basketball power-
nount of house University of
Cristal chi

pagne runs
321,000 strawber-
ries not included.

Romance in Tandem
Pedal through Mi-
amis Coconut. Grove
district on а bicycle
built for two.

ative dresser—sin-

gle-breasted jackets,

trousers and custom-

made shirts—Olson

adds pizzazz to his

ensembles with

hand-painted floral-

or geometric-patterned ties. “And,

of course, for big games, I wear
red and blue—Wildcats colors."

- Lift Your Love Higher: For $250, At
Lanta’s Sundance Balloon will take you on a breath-taking, hour
long aerial excursion. Pick up a picnic lunch from the East 48th
Street Market for about $30. . . . Be Her Centerfold: Chicago
phowgrapher Victor Sk

your best side. Or. for $50, vou can pick up his latest book of
prints, Skrebneski: Blackivhite & Color

KILLER COLOGNES

A recent Gallup Poll found that men are now using
their common scents at work and saving the sexy
stuff for alter sundown. Here's our pick of proven
idy-kallers: Spicy vet subtle, Hugo Boss's new Boss
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alluring Photo combines сигизу notes with a hint of
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of & Arpels, is a blend of herbs and musk
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Shoes that look great but don't support

air inflation systems| your feet or lifestyle

Anything that glows
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Where & How to Buy on page 160.

By DIGBY DIEHL

ost or Un gutsiest moves ever made on a
motion-picture screen is Woody Allen's
use of that final, classic. scene from
Casablanca as a starting point for his own
movie Play И Again. Sam. You feel that
same sense of admiration lor the audaci-
ty of the act when Robert B. Parker
Пу from. Raymond Chan
«егу 1939 hard-boiled detective story
The Big Sleep as a leitmatif to his new
novel, Perchance to Dream (Putnam's).

Parker, of course, invites comparison
by writing this sequel to The Big Sleep in
Chandler's voice. He is. no doubt, em
boldened by reviews of last year's Poodle
Springs. which pronounced that he
sounded more like Chandler than Chan-
dler himself

Chandler fans may recall that when
The Big Sleep ends, Philip Marlowe b
turned down the advances ОГ sexy
heiress Vivian Sternwood but says he'll
keep quiet about a murder if Vivian
agrees to have her homicidal nympho-
Carmen locked up i
As Perchance to Dream opens,
several years later, N the Stern
woods’ butler, reveals that Carmen has
disappeared from the sanitarium. Si
uh of their futher, Nor
been ad foe guardian of the two young
women and wants Marlowe to hind the
psychotic Carmen and lock her up again
belore she can put any more bloodstains
on the Sternwood name. To complicate
matters, Vivian has become готаписи у
linked with Eddie Mars, the wealthy
angster who was blackmailing her in
the earlier book—but she hasn't lost her
yen for Marlowe. (For those who missed
The Big Sleep, Parker fills
the first three chapters.)
This search for Carmen sends Ma
we driving through Forties Los Ange
les neighborhoods and even up into
California's. Central Valley. Eventually,
the trail leads him to Dr. Bonse the
sinister administrator of the sanitarium;
to Randolph Simpson, a multimillion-
aire with a complex real-estate scheme
10 bring water to the arid lands east of
; and to а peculiar partnership
with his enemy Eddie Mars. The ent
story recks with authenticity
istically, Parker nearly has Chan-
dler down pat, has the right cadence,
the right images and the perfect flat,
hard-boiled tone.

1 think Parker

"

n the ste

Pasaden

is the undisputed
champion of American detective novel-
ists right now. But plenty of powerful
contenders are. producing new books.
Three works t0 consi

After Sleep, Perchance to Dream.

Parker's sequel to
Chandler's hard-boiled
detective story.

and Easy Way Down (Fawcett Cohim-
bine), by Irving Wi n. Lescroart's
first novel featuring ancisco bar-
tender and private eye Dismas Hardy,
Dead Irish. displayed his sensitive touch
with psychologically complex characters.
Now The Vig places some of the

e char-

finds a dead body on a housebe
na Basin. Lady Left is the third book in
Wesibrook's wisecracking Lefi-hunded Po-
liceman series, and, once again, the focus
of Beverly Hills police lieutenant Nicky
Rachmaninoll 5 attention. is showbiz.
This time, his sense of humor gets him
through gun fights in Nicaragua and in-
to an Arabian Nights costume party with
а gorgeous Movie-star activist who is try-
ing to raise money for the Sandinistas.
Weinman’s Harvard-grad homicide de
tective, Lenny Schwartz, deserts his f.
miliar N.Y.PD. territory to seek a drug
dealer in Miami. city made of Necco
Wafers.” A lady сор sidetracks
his investigation with some bedroom
bondage games and he comes eyeball to
eyeball with an Everglades alligator. De-
spite all the steamy action, Easy Way
Down turns out to be about his personal
angst

Ed Zuckerman has written a brilliantly
entertaining book about the contempo-
тагу entrepreneurial spirit in Small For-
tunes: Two Guys in Pursuit of the American

The two guys are Pete Binion
Teal, both Texans with big
Pete pursues his high hopes with high
tech, raising a promising new breed of
beef cattle called Senepol. Jim is
ban hustler who made his first million
fast food and is now beting on the
T-shirt business. In the tradition of John
McPhee, Zuckerman chronicles their
separate struggles to strike it rich as a
study m styles. Eventually, sadly, both
guys fail —but not before Zuckerman has
followed them through a series of funny
and exceptionally revealing financia
ploi

ed Wealth (Crown), by P:
subtitled “The T
'onomic Alchemy,

Zane Pilzen,
ory and Practice of
perhaps their busi-
been saved. Pilzer
sts into our recessionary cloud of
gloom with expansionist optimism. He
5 challenging new ideas about how
alize the American educational
system, how to handle our immigration
problems, how to seek individual oppor-
tunities in the market place and how to
Icarn from Japane: takes.
A. M. Wellman uses the F word so
many times in his novel S.EW. (Random
House) that you are not surprised to dis-
cover that the titles initials stand for “So
fucking what?” That's the nihilistic phi-
losophy of life expounded by 19-year-
old high school dropout СИТ Spab, who
has become a weird sort of celebrity in
the Deiroi In this fictional st
СМЕ and four other people
na 7-Eleven for 36 days, dur-
ing which time they are on the news
every night in videos taken by the ter-
rorists. Spab's blanket rej fe is
adopted as gospel by other kids when
they see him on the covers of Tine and
People, Wellman is sure to be compared
to Bret Easton Ellis and Т nowitz
for his porwayal of nchised
youth, but his intentions are different.
This winner of Playboy's 1989 College
Fiction Contest has captured the anger,
hopelessness and frustration of wor
class kids with a tough, funny novel full
of vivid are hard to forget.

BOOK BAG

Take a Good took (Michael di Capua
rrar, Straus & Giroux), by Tor
In this well-crafted, realistic
coming-of-age novel, a screenwriter-
enm-waiter and his restaurant fiends
edge fitfully into adulthood.

Workplace 2000 (Dutton), by Joseph H.
Boyett and Henry P Conn: A scary pre-
diction from two leading. management
consultants who forecast a lean, mean
job environment that gives fewer perks
to execs and. puts the worker teams
control.

host

age

21

CHARLES M. YOUNG

минночок, a good groove and a shot of
testosterone, ZZ Top re-creates the spirit
of the blues more effectively than the
vast majority of purist acts strivir
authenticity. Consisting of equal parts
ss and si Billy Gibb
sound claims a niche in rock that these
пух own as completely as their hillbilly
rds. $o a new ZZ Top album is always
nent. How much ex
ted for Recycler (Warner)?
Well, more excitement than for their last
album. Afterburner, but less than for
Eliminator, which set a career standard
for them. 1 just don't hear the rills that
oing to compel me to play this one
over and over,

The big surprise on the blues front
this month is Hindu Love Gods (Reprise).
nd
sic

te

are

the unlikely combination of R.E.M.
Warren Zevon, singing lead. The
is lively and they cover blues classics
such as Mannish Boy and somewhat ob-
scure rock rave-ups such as Battleship
Chains, V would not have guessed. that
REM. could sound this tough. Zevor
singing strai;
^ Wolf just has t
heaven at this rendition of Wang Dau,

be smiling somewhere

DAVE MARSH

What does Paul Simon's The Rhythm of
the Saints (Warner Bros.) share with
Graveland? Fach trallies in what passes
for Brazilian and West
Mrican resources here, South Afric
and Cajun there. But what really con-
necis these records is that they're so dis-
linctively Simon albums.

Even if Simon ded 10 repeat
Graceland's—- world-music mnick.
уш doesu't have the за npaet
Unlike South African harmonies, Bra
i id West Mrican accents have direct-
iluenced. c тїс and jazz
y singers played t

sical exotica

inte

nce
боксто Mbaqa

strengths; these
troupes reveal his limits.
Paul Simon y be tl
American songwriter since Alec Wilder.
He has adopted for his true subject ma
ter the nagging voices in the back of his

Simon's percussion

most literate

mind. Graceland ended by telling us that
the meaning of lile was to be found in
learning to live without a need for oth-

ers. The Rhythm of the Saints is an essay
the consequences of that decision

Does that mean E
erate for his own

territory on Love in a Small

Z »
Ьл

ZZ Top re-creates the blues.

More musical exotica from
Paul Simon; the best of the
Byrds in four CDs.

Town (RCA/BMG) more compelling and
convincing. Vignettes such as Come Next
Monday. Mary and Willi
cover of Lose fs Strange sp
spunk and u

gency qualities that Si-
mon’s heavenly beats all too ofien o
Oslin’s achievement is modest, but so is
her reach—and in this context, that’s ap-
pealing, too

it.

NELSON GEORGE

hort hasn't bes емей vel,
т! рага

s only a n

ЈИ

but c sexual cli-
mate,
this Oakland-based hip-hopper joins the
censored list. Unlike his Bay Arca
bor M. С. Hammer, Too Short neith
dances nor praises God. His major label
debut, Born to Mack, went platinum by
being as nasty as (in some ways nastier
than) 2 Live Crew. His follow-up. Short
Dog's in the House (Jive), apis to
have more balance. Side one is amore or
less traditional, boastful rap. The Ghetto,
with из catalos ity misadven-
tures over a blend of live and sampled
instrumentation, is as good as апу
byany nstre Е

But side two is jammed with the wit-
less, sadistic material on which Too Short
has built his rep. The
porno is Paula and Janel
Janet Jackson
Abdul in the back of a

our c

r of time before

le

of ver

у about screw

[Р Again (Capitol) is full of songs

Short shouldwt be censored. but. a
rhyme en

Freddie Jackson's approach
is as different from Too Shor's as the
word bitch is from the word lady. In
the hall decade since he debuted with
the soulful Rock Me Tonight, the New
Yorker has been one of pop's
sistent singers. Ме | distinct
breathy high tenor that is well served by
Dereamy mid-tempo love songs. Do Me
this
mode, including АИ Over Yon, Do Me
Igaín and especially Main all

marked by the solid, predictable style c

га is in order

women

st cor

sa

Conse,

GUEST SHOT

сни niman is оше of those rare rock
musicians who are receiving lifetime-
achievement awards and at the same
time making new music. He was iv
ducted mto the Rock and Roll Hall of
Fame as а founding member of the
Byrds while A Dozen Roses: Greatest
Hits” from Chris Hillman and the
Desert Rose Band hit the stores, A
thoughtful songwriter himself, Hill-
man was impressed hy the new album
from Michael Been and his band, the

Call.
“In some ways, I feel that the
Desci Call

ueris
Red Мот is a great album, because
the Call takes chances both musi-
cally and Iyrically. Side one jumps
out with What's Happened to Yon?

disten for U's Bono singing on
the chorus), making it clear that
the Call walks familiar rock-and-

roll ground without so
anyone else. Both A

ling like
Saum in the
Ocean and You Were There use blues
chan: a Delta blues feel in
ways th . Michael Beens
strong, ful
throughout, especially on the title
cut. Гуе come up with my
sure-fire method of deciding if a
record is great by whether or not it
wets played endlessly in my car
Well. Red Mom has been ridi
shor

s and

угу shine

own

n with me'since [ g
Case closed

Ф
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24

FAST TRACKS

es A | 9 a le

Paul Siman | | |
The Rhythm of the

Be 6 10 9 7 5
Too Short | | |
Short Dog’s in the

El 4 5 7 5
Troveling vel | | |
The Troveling

Wilburys Volume 3 8 8 5 8
ZZ Te
Regehr ka| 8 al,
No FREE SPEECH DEPARTMENT: In Berkeley, Volume one of Bill Wymon's autobiog-

California, home to the free-speech
movement of the Sixties, the school
board has considered a measure that
would ban rap music from the aud
im at Berkeley High School, Next
you know, Richard Nixon will be
»unced as this year's com
ment speaker.

ence-

REELING AND ROCKING: Bette is
ing in For the Boys, m which shell
play a U.S.O, performe David

Wes of Was (Not Was) has sold a
screenplay based on a tue story of
two California teens who go on a wild
spending spree with money they have
accidentally gotten f drug deal-
er Madonno's movie plans include
doing something with Woody Allen
(would we lie?) and a lemale-cop.
buddy movie with Demi Moore. . .
Ben E. King, Bo Diddley and rapper
Doug Lazy have teamed up to remake
the tune Book of Love lor a film come-
dy by the same пате. . . . Barrie
Keefe, who wrote the screenplay Гот
The Long Good Friday, is working on a
movie bio of Peter Grant, Led Zep-
pelin's manager. Expect some Led
Zep music on the sound track
Barbara Orbison, Roy's widow. will co-
his movie bio as well as finish
phy (begun with Roy's co-
tion), due in the stores this
John Prine has a rele in John
camp's movie Sonus
County Music. Founda-
tion Records recently released: Rare
Demos: First lo Last, by Hank Williams,
on CD. Irs available by mail for

Cougar Mell

519.95. plus two dollars for postage.
from the foundation, Four Music
Square East, Nashville 37203. .. „Раш!

Simon plans to tour extensively to
back up The Rhythm of the Saints. -

raphy is out and his solo album is due
in March. Aside from Stanley Booth's
wonderful epic The True Adventures of
the Rolling Stones. we expect the
Wyman book to dish the best Stones
info. ..... We want to hip you to a te

rific mail-order catalog, Down Home
Music. It's free if you write t0 6921
Stockton Avenue, El Cerrito, Califor-
94530. You can order folk, blues,
ige jazz and rock and bluegrass
apes and CDs... . The rece
nklin Mint and Dick

LPs,
release by the F
Clark of American Bandstand Presents

the Classics of Rock and Roll on CD «
cassette can be ordered by calling toll-
free SOOTHE MINT, extension rock
and voll Mier the flap about
Sinéad O'Connor and The Star-Span-
gled Banner, there
discussion about |
anthem that’s casier
Land ty Your Land. for
Leventhal, who m
Guthrie's c hates the idea. “Gan
you imagine the Marines invading
Panama singing that song? Woody
would be horrified.” Digital Un-
derground is going back into the stu-
dio to work on a new LP afier a
cameo in Dan Aykroyd's film Valkenva-
nia Finally, the Redondo Beach
Cuy Council, insp
of a Seaule 7-Eleven owner who
drove kids out of his parking lot by
playing classical n

erecting а sound syste

пмапсс. Harold
Woody

ed by a news story

isic, is consid

ng

to blare cla

sical music across the city's pier are
A councilman actually said.

ту
thought would be 10 drive off the

hard-core gangs who prefer тар and
heavy metal.” Would the councilman
approve of bawdy fun-loving
Mozar nw NELLIS

previous chart toppers. The album is
quality Jackson but probably not a col-
lection iharll win him any converts

VIC GARBARINI

Why is The Byrds (Columbia/Legacy), a
CD retrospective, the best vet ol the
group box seis 10 hit the streets? Be-
са n three miraculous years, Re
McGuinn and friends inve d
and blended folk-rock, even Coltrane
ish jazz-rock (Eight Miles High). They be
came the great American hope durin
the first British invasion, bridging the
Beatles’ exhilaration and inventiveness
with Dylan's depth. Thankfully. Colum.
bia has done right by them. The т
previously unissued material is superb
Much of it was unreleased not for artistic
reasons but because of group hassles ог
-cord-biz politics. By the end of the Six-
ties, the Byrds were in free fall. Dylan
was outrocking th id McGuinn was
the only remaining original member.
Bur country-rock guitarist Clarence
White helped them get back on track,
peaking with the underrated Easy Rider
terial. The live cats from last year’s
Roy Orbison tribute are a true rush

The irreplaceable Orbison is really
issed on The Traveling Wilburys Volume 3
(Warner). This is the lackluster superstar
ss-olT vou feared their charming debut
might have been. Byrdsinl (d dev-
ees Dylan, Репу, Harrison and Lynne
е hobbled by flat melodies, hokey
lyrics and а glazed production.

fo

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

With their strange haircuts and hello-
Dali Ivries. the Pixies are deja vn rebels.
college radio's latest great white hopes.
Rosanne Cash is an X factor in the most
conservative of pop subgenres, accepted
in Nashville because. she's Johnny's
even though she has never Bit
ville mold. And on their new
-Bossanova (1AD/Elecra), the
ага, and interiors (Columbia),
h's seventh—these artists test the
faith of (heir followings, w © mutter-
ing about sellout, Don't you believe it
Alternative types love the Pixies for
Black Francis associative verse. but ordi-
y people notice the slashing rills of
Joey Santiago, a guitarist who leans то
ward the punk attack and metal power
Interiors wallics in doomed. romanti-
cism but without the grandeur. Known
is an interpreter. Cash writes every lyric:
liy produced by husband Rodney
Crowell, she takes the veins this time, Ev
g is about marriage trouble
Country music, obsessed. with monog-
ту and is discomems, rarely pro-
duces such unblinking. tu

E

ery se

songs.

It's a great Everybody's dancing. But
does everything stop when the CD ends? Not if
you have the Magnavox Carousel CD Changer.

This innovative CD player plays up to 5
different compact discs. You can even pre-
Program up to 50 songs in aı
Plus, you can change up to 4 discs while the
fifth one is playing.

order you want.

So, the music goes on and on. And this
machine gets the best out of your CDs, thanks
to a 4x oversampling digital filter and dual
16-bit digital-to-analog converters. But that's
not surprising. After all, it’s from the inventors
of S» technology.

спауох was always a
CD be But mai

nart player in the

MAGNAVOX

1990 Philips Corsumer Electronics Company. A Division of North American Philips Corporation.

26

MEN

ho knows? The nose knows
Lers own up to it. men. For us

Nasal Law of Nature. Surely,
you recognize that I am speaki
truha truth that we have been reluc-
tant 10 share with our women

Let meask you a question, men: Have
you ever admitted to any woman how
promiscuous your nose is? And have you
ever volunteered to stop smelling and
that wonderful perfumed air
that sometimes surrounds you, O fellow
odor cater? Nasal chastity. you might
call i crested

there is

alized
how much we are turned on by their |
grances (and how much they reveal to us
about themselves by their scents), they
would probably demand that we imme-
diately cease and desist our пипс,
They might even insist that nose plugs

be installed on all males at birth!
Ladies, we can't help it. We sniff the
atmosphere perpetually like hungry
bloodhounels. night and day. summer
nter, from our crib to our coffin

y of liv

r lives ever r

can try to logisk:
bur you'll never stop us. Who knows?
The
obsession to othe

ose knows. We seldom admit ou
however. We invent
all sorts of excuses and covers for

Take our supposed interest in physical
conditioning. Our steady attendance at
health clubs and acrobies classes can be
seen by some native people as very clean-
cut activities. Thats. bullshit, and we
know it. I's just an act. We work out in

health dubs lor one reason: That is where
the smells are. Heaven, for us. is a sca of
revealing leotards that are bobbin

weaving. dancin
and pulling That scene smells as inter-

esting lo us as a A-acre held of honey
«Ме smells to a hummingbird. 1 you
lies, check it out the
your health club

Watch the who nuously
walks back and. forth behind the St
master machines. See his nose twitch?
You think he's honestly int ted in ex-
erasing? Or how about the guy m your
aerobics class who never seems to do all
the routines? Sec his nostrils Mare? Does
he really want to lose weight? Spy on the
guv on the rowing machine who always
leans outboard and twists. his head
around when a leotard walks by Is he
visking a broken neck for nothing? Or
the und the track in a

doubt my word,

next time you're

guy

By ASA BABER

LEOTARD
SNIFFING

slightly stooped position, his nose
erotch-high and out in front of him like
the propelle plane. You think
he has a sports injury because he bends
over like that when he ru
honey. He's sniffing leotards, like all the
other nose boys. His nose at that mo-
ment is at its maximum effective altitude
for the task, so dont interrupt him.

As а confirmed and addicted leotard
snifler myself, 1 have come to the un
derstanding alter years of practice tha
much can be determined by this habit.

Hist below a few of 1 jor cate
gories of scent thi mly active
in Ame ong with

interpretation of what those fra
rances convey about the personality of
the lady concerned. T submit this list in
rue humility, because E know that there
are even better Канай sniflers out
there, men who have fine-tuned this art
into a science, E salute those men for
their tenacity and their research сара
bilines. Nevertheless. my own modest
definitions follow, lor what they're worth

Strawberry: This is the rarest and finest
fragrance available. Usually offered on-
ly by redheaded women named Sherri,
the Strawberry sceni reveals a fresh and
springlike personality. His owner is
smooth-skinned, secretly sexual and
love and luxury. As т
fresh fruit at Wimble-

very eager le

y as the

don. the Strawberry leotard is the тте
de la creme of leotards, You сап spend
years at a health club without. snilling
An endangered species. Really

Gunpowder: Wasch out! ‘The Gunpow-
der scent predicts possible trouble. lis
sponsor is combative and fierce. and
nine out of ten Gunpowder leotard
wearers have been radical feminists at
ne di their li That's the h
news. The good news is that by wearing
a leotard and joining a health cub, these
women are indicatin y would
like 10 come back into the fold
bility and communication. And let's ad-
mit it, guys: Former feminists make
great lovers!

Hibernating Bear Sweat: \
ally want to save somebody. better stay

onc

less you

'e-

Spice.” Хо, if you smell ОМ Spice on a
leotard, take a pass. But New Spice? Ab-
solutely yummy. Its wearer is perky,
ht and humorous. She likes the
mly
she has an MBA.
md wonders why
in massage the
py instead. Her mother is everbearin
but lithe Ms. New $ breakin:
I that. Believe me, you ca
and spice versa.

idal Bouquet: A very fine ollerin;
first, the Bridal B oma can mes-
merize a man r paralysis if he
hangs around it too long. The Bridal
Bouquet з th, but she
usually mes ngs and mar
riage (as well as diamonds and other
pr as) in the first fiv
Aso, without much warning, the Bridal
Bouquet can quickly carn into the fol-
lowing smell.

Autumn Leaves One: А
tallow sceni, Autumn Leaves One can be
found in leotards of all ages. Stay away
(топи it. But do not confuse it with

Mutumn Lea А fine and richly
texts

highs of life but not the lows. SI
manic-depressive

inutes.

ather dry and

5s Био:

Two mixes as of the carth
into а heady odor of n y and wis-
n. playfulness and ability. 0
Vou want stability and excitement, this
woman

Good luck, men.

ay be lor vou.
And good snilling

EJ

There you are at the library. Or on a “no-radio”
beach. You could slip away for a quick music
break. Or, simply slip a CD into this Magnavox
Personal Portable CD Player.

It's just a little larger than the compact discs it
plays. So lightweight, it's hard to believe the big
CD sound. Not surprising, it’s from the inventors
of CD technology. And wait'll you hear what else

"s got. AM/FM Digital Quartz tuning with memory
presets, 20-track programmability, remote control,
Dynamic Bass Boost and much more.

And when you want to share the sound, simply
plug it into your car stereo* or home equipment.

For Magnavox, making the move into CD
technology was smart. Making CD sound really move

“With adaptor kit

is very smart.

MAGNAVOX
mart.Very smart:

1990 Philips Consumer Elecirorics Company. A Division of North American Philips Corporation.

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RUSH ME THESE 4 CDs NOW (indicate by number)

1 [ EASY LISTENING [Instrumentals / Vocal Moods)
2D)COUNTRY — 3L]HARD ROCK
«0 РОР: БОЕТАОСК 5 CICLASSICAL

Lam most interested in the musica
category checked her pr
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Ome,
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Dms.

me ма.

танћата PLEASE PRINT)

су - Stato 2р
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Telephone ( )

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DISCE = = а ree эу айс (ено rew пето
Ет) Sinnen USA eny. One mentess er ary Loca tates. Way ol зе aet

30

WOMEN

H eres what men are like: Men
make you believe thar if you were
just а lite prettier, a litle thinner, a litle
less mentally ill, maybe not so pushy,
they'd marry you tomorrow, Men make
you feel as if you don't quite measure
is

Men have a good sense of humor but
low self-esteem, Men have horribly com-
plicated relationships with their mothers

te

that they refuse to discuss or under-
stand.
Men are tall, skinny, pale, dark-haired

ind wear goofy Italian loafers.

“You are insane,” said Rita. “Most
re not like that. Only the creeps
ke that.”

men

you date are

Exactly!” I said.
“L don't get it,” she said. We were in a
collec shop, drinking espresso and

avoiding work
“Being a columnist lor a men’s m
zine,” 1 said, “sometimes 1 get these let-
ters. For example: ‘Td like to get
married, but women are more con-
cerned with a man's investment portio-
io and what kind of car he drives. Hf he
doesn't own a condo, forget it!
“Women are not like il "said Rit
“Well, some of them are. But only |.
idiots with too much mascara."
says that all women are

ne

is guy

ike this.
Te must be puttin

ош some weird

vibe:

"Here's another letter: "Women only
want someone they can mother. Theyre
threatened by a man who can stand on
his own two feet. They want a little boy

who rushes to their laps every time he
cuts his knee.”
set outa here.” said Rita. “He clearly

dates only nursery school teache
“But he doesn't think so. He truly be-
ieves he's got a bead on our entire sex
He sees only the women he wants to sec
Ihe rest of them are invisible.
"But why wc

ien if h
“Aha!”
Would you just stop it?

?" she asked.

“Do you know why l'm seeing Neil?
"Because he's big one?
"Because he doesnt ring any bells.

Because I don't feel any deep. subter-
rancan pull toward him. Because he's a
nice, smart, cute guy and 1 Hike him, but
he doesn’t turn my stomach into knots
and make me feel nanseated and like 1
can't breathe.

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

YOU GET WHAT
YOU EXPECT

“Does he have a big one, though?”

“Guys who make me feel nauscated—
and T can recognize them ac зот
crowded with five hundred
mal guys—always turn out

iss

ice, nor
10 be the

same type. Um aware of, 1 sce only guys
who will make me miserable. Five hun-
dred normal guys and TI go [ог Mr

Five Hundred and One, Mr.
Always Keep You on Your
Make You Feel Inadequate.

“So you're saying you've
ally awlul kind of radar?

“All of us do. unless they ve had really
good luck or plenty of shrinkage. We
just keep choosing the same type over
and over again. My personal radar hap-
pens to be particularly noxious. See that
guy over there? The dark-hatred pale
one with the Italian shoes?

“The one talking to the girl who's cry-

1 Plan to
Toes and

э some re-

“Um mad for him. 1 want (о bear his
child. Look, the girl's going to the bath-
room. Follow her in and ask her why
she's crying.

Rita will do anything and she did it
She was back in three minutes.

She says he doesn’t want to live with
her and she's been begging him to go to
a shrink, but he says why should he go
when it’s obvious that she’s the one
who's really neurotic?” she reported
“She says she's always afraid of saying

the wrong thing, she never feels good
enough. So she's breaking up with him."
“L knew it!” said. “The whole time
you were gone, I was restraining myself
n going over there and saying, “Hi,

said Rita, “I always go for
drunks. Sweet, faithful, ¢
ly penniless drunken fuck-ups."
“Kind of like your father,” 1 men-
tioned
“Now that you mention it,” she said.
Ly shrink calls it the repetition com-
I said. “He says we keep dupli-
ng situations that were unresolved
d painful in childhood. We keep try
ing to change the outcome. I, say, you
had an unresponsive, cold, critical La
ther, you keep finding that same kind of
guy and trying to get him to love you.
And, of course, it never works, because
he’s unresponsive, cold and critical”
“Wasn't it your mother who was cold
and unresponsive?” Rita asked
“Doesnt matter,” I said. 7It could be
either parent. Whichever one made you
feel like a piece of shit, somethi
many parents are famous for. I should
be able 10 look at Mr. Nightmare over
there and say, "Oh. please, who are you
kidding?’ But subconsciously, hes ту
mother, I am a sicko,
“A lot of people have healthy relation
ships and don't turn anybody into some-
hody else.”
me two." Т said. Her eyes darted
side for ten mi

lion

trom side nes as she
thought

“My shrink
couples is healthy, 1 have по idea where

I said.

s only twelve

опе i

he gets these statistics,”

“Holy shit, one in twelve. Fm going to
Kill myself. Maybe 1 should just kill vour
shrink, Whats the swer? Whats the
cure?”

“We have to recognize what we're do-
ing and then purge ourselves of all the
anger and pain we felt in childhood and
have been trying to suppress since

Piece of cake.” she said
“Hey, 1 mysell am well on my way
We got up te leave. The crying girl

had disappe red.
Taybe ГЇ just go over to his table
and ask for his phone number,” 1 said
1E you do, ТЇЇ shoot you in the head
Put you out of your misery,” Rita said

a

Rumple Minze:
"n QAAE

{|

if
E À

RUMPLE Mi ALCOHOL BY VOLUME | PROOF) PEPPERMINT ОМ GERMAN.

Ро POSTER OF ТЫ АҢ, BEE ASE SEND SITO RUMPLE MINZE f OP

Coni а

2 17 ma. “tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.
= ыа ы

By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

RE SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

T have been going steady with my cur-
rent girlfriend for about (wo years. We
have a normal sex lile. Hove it when she
gives me head. The only problem is that
she uses her teeth too much. I don't
dare say anything to her, because she
would never do it again. Edo
complain, because getting head is proba-
bly a fringe benefit in a relationship and
I dont want to sound like Pim looking a
gilt horse in the mouth. [s there any-
thing 1 could do or say 10 help her im-
prove?—G. J., Detroit, Michigan.

Oral sex is not a fringe benefit; it is an act
еу. Then: are ways to impro
fellatio without insulting her technique. Take
her fingers into your mouth and show her how
you would like her to perform oral sex. Show
her how much contact with her teeth yon can
tolerate. Then ask her for Пру on improving
cunnilingus. She can use the folds of skin be-
tween your thumb and forefmger to demon-
strate. Do this in a restanrant so the rest of us
can learú something

ММУ wrong with you men? Give vou
what you ask lor and we get hell for it.
Pye been seeing а man for about a
month. He suggested a menage à bois
а friend of his. another guy. The
ought of two hairy, mu

"mean to

central to intimar

ir men at
one time was a turn-on, So we did it. It
great. I won't bore you with the de-
However. it was definitely a one-
и. The other guy just wasn't
The rouble started the next time:
my boyfriend came over. He was bent
out of shape because Ed enjoyed myself
with his friend. What bothered him—
and, believe me, it bothered him a 10—
was that Ud tongued his [riend's feet. 1
heard my boyfriend yell, “You licked his
feet!” until E thought 1 was going 10
scream. The menage a trais was his idea.
not mine or his friend's; Can you ex
plain why my boyfriend is acting this
way Miss B. D., Dallas, Texas.

Fantasy comes from the strong part of your
sexuality, jealousy from the weak. The two
lalis. almost never communicate with each
other until Ws tow late, Ask your boyfriend
what it was about the specije act that bothered
him. Or just say, “Why don't you take your
foot ош of your mouth and let me put it in
mine?” The two of you covered a lot of
ground in а manth—you тау hae just dis-
covered that yon arewt on the same wave
length, after all.

Shopping tor a camera is enough 10
drive even a technophile over the edge
The new autofocus, auto-exposure
aulo-everything cameras now boast
something called automatic exposure
bracketing, You can set the camera to
take a picture at the proper exposure

and then a series of under- and overex-
posed shots. It seems to me that the only
people this will make happy are the film
companies—you eat film at three to
seven times the pace. Do your photog-
raphers use automatic exposure brac!
ng?— D. Q., Atlanta, Georg
Mast Playboy shoots occur in a controlled
roument. Once Ihe lighting is sel up and
the. photographer sets the exposure
and concentrates on composition, communi-
cating with the model, eic. Even in outdoor
settings, most lend lo work the exposure out
for the given shot. When you are paid to pay
altention lo light, this becomes a point of pride
and not an insignificant skill. In shifting con-
ditions—hacklit shots or where the rising or
selling sun is playing havoc with the light—
our photographers will bracket, but usnally by
hand. In our style of photography, the decisive
moment lasts for hours. (We create a mood
and work within that.) Other photographers
don't huve oni leeway. The antomatic bracket-
ing is fast enough to offer insurance to people
who have to catch a shot—the winning goal,
the tossing of the bouquet, baby’s first credit-
card purchase, a speakers finest moment. Be-
Jore you buy, review your own requirements.
If you shoot black-and-white film, u has a lot
ој latitude—you can save the shot m the lab.
Tf you shoot color film, exposure is more erili-
cal. You may welcome the insurance of brack-
ита. One final word: As long as you can
dur the feanre off. it doesn't hurt to have i.

metere

E

F have a question regarding tequila eti-
quette. When doing shots. 1 lick the salt
off my hand, drink a shot of tequila,
then suck а lemon. Now 1 see various
T-shiris touting, Lcx rr SUCK ni SHOOT thy
while others exhort. tick tí snoor n. SUCK
п. What is the correct. way 10 drink

MLUSTRATION ву DENNIS MUKAL

tequilaz—M. S., Berea, Kentucky

Tequila etiquette is a contradiction in
terms. Most of the surviving experts say the
proper sequence is lick, shoot, suck—either a
lemon or a lime.

Wien my boyfriend bund that by c
ressing my clitoris correctly he could
make me giggle as 1 climaxed, he got
hooked on making me laugh in bed
Now he teases me with feathers, We've
tried different types, but the best is a fan
hers that, when kept closed,
maving tickler. My boyfriend
head to toc. Of
t special а

makes an
es it on mc from
se, certain parts
tion. He holds my arms over my head
nd runs the fan from one nipple to the
and back again ший Tm nearly

ss my ribs and belly
is followed by
the hottest boffing session. you could
imagine. If there were anything better
than this, а never live through it. The
onc problem is that the combination of
body oils, perspiration and other natural
juices eventually destroys the feathers.
g the fan suflens them. Do you
have any advice on how to keep my tick-
lers зой and pliable? ding feathers
with the right features—soft edges with
а stiff spine—is difficult
tions?— Miss К. O., Miam
Sure. Use а lice bind: it is self-cleaning.

Just kidding. We've heard good reports about

badminton shuttlecocks (the nonplastie vart-
ely), volley birds and feather boas. When you
find something that works, buy a dozen. Fin
cleaning, take your fan to a professional dry
cleaner and ask him to hand-clean it with per-
chlorocthylene (the recommended solvent for
ostrich feathers).

| recently attended a party where the
host had pre tire eveni
of great dance music. When I went over
to his ente lent ce 1 gor the
shock of my life. The ouly source for the
music was his VCR, He had recorded on
video tape! Have you ever heard ог
this?—B. P. Dallas, Tex:

The first we heard of it was an article on
making esoteric tape anthologies that van in
Stereo Review. Many VCRs have better
sound than a muddle-of-the-road cassette deck.
If you set the VCR at SLP xou can tape up to
six hours of andio—jnst route your signal
through the audio inputs on the back of the
VER.

Му лепа is very ticklish. The
slightest touch makes her move with the
quickness of a cat. She tries to contain
herself but is always unsuccessful When
we are sexually close, the slightest touch
of her stomach, arms. thighs, breasts.

med an ei

PLAYBOY

etc., makes he

scan

move abruptly. T
really ruin the mood. Is she trying 10
pull away? Is it me? Please help us.—
C. T., Little Rock, Arkansas.

Some people embrace ticklishness (and en-
joy the loss of control—sce earlier. letter),
while for others, it reveals a struggle for con-
bol. No one can tickle himself, You might try
something called hand viding. Have her place
her hand an top of yours. She can move your
hand from her shoulder to her breast, across
her belly, down her thighs—at her own pace.
She can convey to you when a light touch is
desired, when а heavy touch is preferred. You
should be able to outwit the flinch mechanism
and move on to full-body contact.

Wan a female with a question thav’s not
1 problem. My partners say they have
ienced а situation like this
When I'm lying on my back hav-
m. I arch strongly—enough
ner for the duration of the
x. Is this common?—Miss J. O.,
Denver, Colorado.

Hs called myotonia, or muscle tension. In
“For Each Other” therapist Lonnie Barbach
describes the range of motion: “As sexual ten-
sion mounis, the body becomes more and more
tense. Some women find that their legs begin
to vibrate, their hands and Jeet may lense up:
im some cases, a woman's back may arch, her
pelvic area or her whole body may begin to
move ир and down, back and forth or in a
circular motion. She might find that she is
тешип heainly or panting. Meanwhile,
мећу ог moans may involuntarily escape her
lips. Sume women misinterpret this tension lo
mean that they are feeling anxious rather
than weognizing il as an appropriate re-
sponse to the build-up of sexual. pleasure.
While these signs of increased sexual tension
are typical, all of them are rarely experienced
ћу опе woman.” Hs nice to know that since
Gilley’s closed down aud relired the mechani-
cal bull, your partners have been lucky to find
a replacement.

А ies months a

response to a vi
detectors were
latest newsletter
Association Del

20, you suggested in a
that racar-derector

from. RADAR. (Radio
ding Airwave Rights,

Inc) telly me that our pa
justified. Th

anc

y are out to get u
newsletter, the Canadians
ed a device called Intercep-
tor VG-2 th: n detect the presence of
operating radar detectors. Yikes! Say it
isn't so.—C. С.. Putnam. Connecticut.

rhe safely Nazis have a new toy. The m-
surance Institute for Highway Safety appar-
ently took an Interceplor VG-2 and turned it
om vehicles. N found that 40 percent of the
trucks tested used detectors, According to
RADAR, the institute found that 30. per-
сеш of detector-equipped tractor trailers were
trazelmg im excess ој 65 mph on 55-uphi m-
tersiate highways, while 16 percent of detec-
torless trucks were exceeding 65 mph. The

have mv

percentages exceeding 70 mph were six per
cent among detector-using trucks and three
percent without.” You can read these statistics
several ways. Having a detector makes il twice
as likely that you will speed. Or that the ma-
jority of truck drivers—awith or without delec-
tors—drive within the limit. The study did not
establish that speed (or the presence of detec-
tors) contributed to accidents, The Interceptor
gives law enforcement а tool to enforce laws
prohibiting detectors. We might suggest it be
used for prostate exams. For more тјота-
tion, subscribe to the “RADAR Reporter"
(write to 4949 South 254, Tipp City. Ohio
45371, or call 513-667-5472). The newslel-
ter casts $20 a year

friend refuses to use a vibr
She said that she tried one once but th
it ruined sex for her,
male equivalent of pi

he abnormal

waukee, Wisconsin.

Tn the second edition of “Human Sexuati-
ty,” sex researchers Masters, Johnson and
Kolodny warn about the down side of vihra-
tow: “The vibrators intensity helps many
women reach orgasm quickly aud easily dur-
ing self-stinudation. For this reason, the ve
brator has become a popular teaching aid for
women who have never experienced orgasm.
Even for women who have no difficulty reach-
ing orgasms on their own, the reliable and
rather effortless use of the vibrator is often a
malter of convenience and satisfaction. How-
ever, the “instant orgasm’ of the vibrator
induced variety may create problems. If a
woman consistently uses intense mechanical
means ta achieve orgasm quickly, she will not
appreciate the various stages of build-up to
her release of sexual tension. Her pleasure
may actually diminish, leaving her with a
sense of restlessness or frustration. A woman
who fails to be orgasmic with a partner the
Jest time she tries, after long and continued
success with a vibrator; could incorrectly inter
pret that failure as evidence of her awn sexual
inadequacy. She may not realize that another
person cannot duplicate the focused physical
stimulalion of the vibrator and she may wer-
look other possible explanations of this situa-
tion—not relating well to her partner (or vice
versa), being self-conscious ar nervous or try-
ing too hard. In addition, some women seem
to feel that orgasms resulting [rom vibrators
are ‘artificial’ and therefore not as good as the
‘authentic’ version.” One out of jour women
prefers vibrators for masturbation; almost
half let their fingers do the walking. Don't try
10 persuade your girlfriend to change or youll
create a problem when there is none.

Hike bot food—the houcr the better. 1
came across а mustard in а Japanese
restaurant that made smoke come out of
my cars. E loved it. How do 1 go about
getting some so | can smoke away at
home?—U S., Boulder, Colorado.

What you've talking about is the Japanese
condiment wasabi. Is not mustard, nor is it
horseradish (which it resembles) but the root of
а riverside plant, Wasabi may be obtained in
specialty food shops and in retail food outlets
catering to Asians. H comes in lo forms: a
thick paste in a jax, fully prepared and ready
lo use, and a powder thal has to be prepared
before use. Directions are given on the pack-
age.

Mos: advice columnists argue
having sex with a co-worker, My compa-
ny does not have an it policy out-
lawing such affairs, but common sense

dictates that spe be taken, I
you ever published guidelines for datin:
within a company?—]. K., Deiroit,
Michig;

We came across some rules in. “Winning
Office Politics," by Andrew DuBrin: 1. Act
very professional with one another. Avoid any
public displays of affection, 2. Don't waste
lime or publicize your relationship by making
frequent calls or sending love notes through
electronic mail lo each other. 3. Maintain a
high level of productivity so that you can't be
accused of having your romance negatively
affect your performance. 4. Don't arrive and
leave with your lover, and don't rave about
your off-work гуму together to co-workers. 3.
Be especially discreet if you're on a business
trip together and there are other company
members present. Take separate roams, prefer-
ably on different floors. 6. Don't have lunch
together too often—eat with other co-workers
more frequently than with each other. 7. Con-
sider keeping your relationship a secret unless
ils a committed one. Don't be the subject of
office gossip for a short-term fling. 8. If you
feel the relationship is a committed one but
don't want to sacrifice your job, transfer to a
different department or division. 9. Remem-
ber that a mediocre relationship is worth less
than one great job. Don't proceed beyond the
first date if you are convinced the relationship
won't last three weeks. Why break an organi-
zutional taboo for a brie] surge of excitement,
followed by а sense of embarrassment and de-
feal? 10. Remember ти a great relationship
as worth more than one mediocre job. For oth-
er guidelines to office sex, see “Sexual Harass-
ment” in this month's “Playboy Forum.”

AIL reasonable questions from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat-
ing problems, taste and etiqueite—will be per-
sonally answered if the writer includes a
stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all let-
ters to The Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Шип
60611. The most provocative, pertinent
queries will be presented on these pages each
month.

Hear Playmates’ dating experiences and
have them answer your dating questions and
more an the Playboy Hotline. Call 1-900-
740-3311 today; only two dollars per minute

Fi

FRIDAY, 7 P.M.

felis WHERE BETWEEN ADOLESCENCE AND RESPONSIBILITY.

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THE PLAYBOY FORUM

||

when does policy become propaganda?

In the beginning was the word, and
the word was the E.E.O.C. In 1980, the
Equal Employment Opportunity Com-
mission issued guidelines on sexual
harassment to help corporations con-
form to the fair employment practices
detailed in Title УП of the Civil Rights
Act of 1964.

The E.E.O.C. distinguishes between
two types of sexual harassment. The
most obvious type of harassment is
called quid pro quo—something for
something. Imagine a scenario in
which a woman is coerced into sex
with an employer in order to
avoid suspension, demotion
or termination. "Meet me
after work in my office
(apartment, — whatev-
ег)," the script runs,

"and youll keep
your job."
asit

ation we
rightly think of as
wrong, ugly an
abuse of power, as
unsubtle as a rapist
wielding a knife or a
teenager threatening
to abandon a date on a
highway unless she puts
ош. From the victim's
standpoint, a supervisor rep-
resents the power structure. She
may have no recourse when conflicts
arise and may rightfully fear reprisal if
she does complain. E.E.O.C. policy and
case law justly make the corporation li-
able for the acts of its supervisors. (For
interesting test cases, see the accompa-
nying article by Robert Giddings.)

The E.E.O.C. also recognizes a sec-
ond, subtler type of harassment called
"environmental." A hostile sexual envi-
ronment occurs, goes a 1988 elabora-
tion, "[when] unwelcome sexual
conduct unreasonably interfer[es] with
an indi iduals job performance or cre-
ates an 5 lating. hostile or offen-
sive working environment'. . . even i
leads to no tangible or economic |
consequences" In the first category,
quid pro quo, sex is the goal of the
harassment; in the second, it is the tool
of the harassment.

The E.E.O.C. felt it crucial to fine-
tune its definition of sexual harass-
ment: "Only unwelcome sexual conduct
that is a term or condition of employ-

ment constitutes a violation.”

“Because sexual attraction may often
play a role in the day-to-day social ex-
change between employees,” wrote the
commission, "ће distinction between
invited, uninvited but welcome, offen-
sive but tolerated and flatly rejected"
sexual advances may well be difficult to
discern . . . but this distinction is essen-
tial, because sexual conduct becomes
unlawful only when it is unwelcome .. .
‘in the sense that the employee did not

solicit or incite it, and in the sense
that the employce regard-
ed the conduct as
undesirable or
offensive."
Emphati-
cally, the

stressed
ihat harass-
ment should be
evaluated from the
standpoint of a reason-
able person: “Title VII does

not serve ‘as a vehicle for vindicating the
petty slights suffered by the hypersensi-
live.”

Pretty strong language—even for the
Feds—but not strong enough. Despite
the E.E.O.C.s stringent efforts to draft
clear guidelines that nearly anybody
could understand and despite из
attempt to deter those who would mis-
usc the guidelines, sexual harassment is
now the latest bogeyman for the hyper-

EEOC.

sensitive elite—antisex feminists and
corporate lawyers who fear lawsuits of
any kind, even the unjustified.

THE NEW SEX POLICE

John Leo, a columnist for U.S. News
& World Report, was one of the first to
call attention to the new Big Brother/
Big Sister sex police: “Driven by femi-
nist ideology we have constantly
extended the definition of what consti-
tutes male behavior. Very am
biguous incidents are now routinely
flattened out into male predation.”

“The code,” Leo explains, “is a rich
compost of antisex messages: Males
are predatory; sex is so dangerous that
chitchat about it can get you brought
up on charges; hormone-driven gazing
at girls will bring the adult world down
оп your neck. The most harmful mes-
sage, perhaps, is that women are vic-
tims, incapable of dismissing creeps
with a simple ‘Buzz off, Bozo.” They
must be encouraged to run to the ad-
ministration and say, ‘Someone was
looking at me.”
Sexual-harassment propagan-
da has created a new class of
“victims and an entirely
{ new class of регреша-

) tors. Consider the fol-
lowing hypothetical
situations, gleaned
from a Working
Woman survey of
some Fortune 500
Companies:

“А manager is
having an affair with
her boss but wants to
break up. He says that
she will not get the pro-
motion she’s been expect-
ing if she does so.” Almost
everyone surveyed—99.5 per-
cent—called the incident sexual har-
assment; 98 percent called it severe.

“A female worker repeatedly is pat-
ted on the behind by a male co-worker.”
One hundred percent of the people
who responded to the survey thought
this was sexual harassment; 87 percent
called it severe.

“Two men and a woman enter an ele-
vator. The men make comments about
the woman's anatomy." Again, 99.5 per-
cent called it sexual harassment; almost.

| WGlXEXXN] —

half—46.5 percent—called it severe.

“A male supervisor asks a female staff
member out on a date. Although she re-
fuses, he continues to ask her” Ninety-
seven percent said it was harassment, 23
percent thought it severe.

The lynch-mob mentality evident in
the survey seems to suggest that all sex is
unwanted. There are scenarios that fit
the last two incidents, for example, that
could be intended not as harassment—
complimenting a woman returning from
the gym on her abs or a woman return-
ing from the hair salon on her new style;
or repeating an offer for dinner to a co-
worker who said she was busy the first
time.

SURVEY SILLINESS

The lazy, all-inclusive definition of sex-
ual harassment makes most surveys vir-
tually useless. They make for great
headlines; they contribute to the appear-
ance of an epidemic, but they are also
hopelessly skewed.

For example, a survey of women em-
ployees of the city of Los Angeles found
that 31 percent had been victims of
sexual harassment during one year.
Mayor ‘Tom Bradley called in the cavalry:
He hired outside specialists to draw up a
harassment program.

Did the survey indicate that all of those
women had been coerced into having sex
by a supervisor? Hardly—seven percent
had experienced “propositions,” seven
percent “physical contact,” 15 percent
sexual references, 14 percent “profane
language” and nine percent “offensive
visual material.” Furthermore, not all of
the harassment came from co-workers—
some was from the public (do meter
maids view the motorist who gives them
the finger as a sexual harasser?).

A study by the Project on the Status
and Education of Women of the Associa-
tion of American Colleges found that 20
to 30 percent of undergraduate women
claim to have been victims of sexual har-
assment; the figure rises to 30 to 40 per-
cent for graduate students. And only two
percent of undergraduate women had
ever experienced direct threats or bribes
for sexual favors.

The Working Woman study, for all its
hoopla, reported that 90 percent of the
companies had received one complaint in
1988. Overall, the complaints averaged
14 per 1000 working women.

In the decade since the category was
created, 38,500 cases have been filed
with the E.E.O.C. It does not break that
figure down into quid pro quo versus hos-
tile-environment cases. It does not keep a
win/lose record, so we have no way of
knowing how many complaints are valid.

SEX ED: 1990

A well-intentioned policy has been sub-
verted by propagandists. As Leo pointed
out, this stern new “femino-puritanism
seems to be reaching down into the high
schools.” If you are a student at Amherst-
Pelham Regional School District in Mas-
sachusetts, you live under the protective
umbrella of a school policy that states:
“Sexual harassment is unwanted sexual
attention from peers, teachers, staff or
anyone the victim may interact with in
order to fulfill school duties where the
victim's responses may be restrained for
fear of reprisals.”

Good enough so far. But then the

Saw
HARASSMENT
IN TE FORTUNE 500

Ном op poigmaers и Americi кит aoe
рост or eefe ro athe harassment
A doean re N S

rounding nos sue.

policy lists the following prohibited
behaviors: “Staring or leering with
sexual overtones. Spreading sexual gos-
sip. Unwanted sexual comments. Pres-
sure for sexual activity. Any unwanted
contact of a sexual nature.” The code
makes being a teenager against the law.

Leo phoned the superintendent. “How
much gazing or leering would it take to
be brought up on sexual-harassment
charges? There is no time limit, he said.
A single stare might do it.

“And what if a student told a friend, ‘I
think Marcie and Allen have something
going’? "That would qualify as sexual har-
assment, the superintendent replied.”

So for staring at the object of his de-
sire, a student faces the dreaded parent
conference, the prospect of apologizing
to his heartihrob or detention, suspen-
sion or expulsion or referred to the po-
lice. This is sex education in the

Nineties—the message is that all sexual
yearning is criminal. It creates a network
of snitches and sex police. The final ar-

biter of your freedom is someone who
runs to the principal's office to squeal.

COLLEGE DAZE

It doesnt get any better in college.
During opening week at Yale, incoming
students receive a brochure explaining
the existence of the Yale College
Grievance Board for Student Complaints
of Sexual Harassment. It says, “Sexual
harassment is antithetical to academic
values and to a work environment free
from the fact or appearance of coer-
cion. . . . Sexual harassment consists of
nonconsensual sexual advances, requests
for sexual favors or other verbal or physi-
cal conduct on or off campus. . . . Sexual
harassment may be found in a single
episode as well as in persistent behavior.”
Need more? The brochure goes on. “It
would be difficult to describe the many
and varied circumstances that constitute
sexual harassment. In some instances,
sexual harassment is obvious and may in-
volve an overt action, a threat or a
reprisal, In other instances, sexual har-
assment is subtle and indirect, possibly
even unintentional with a coercive aspect
that is unstated. . . . [If they are con-
fused,] students are encouraged to dis-
cuss their concerns with a member of the
grievance board.”

Last year, three women students in a
French class watched a video tape of
a Parisian pick-up artist Hirting with a
beautiful girl sitting on a park bench.
Later, the teacher asked members of the
class to pretend they were picking up a
pretty woman in the park. The three stu-
dents fileda sexual-harassment grievance
with the university. They charged that
the course was so sexist it interfered with
their ability to learn the language.
“You're seeing the video tape through a
male gaze,” harrumphed a female teach-
ing assistant to The New York Times. Sup-
porters say that the camera “lingers on
the actress’ chest and bare legs.”

NINE TO FIVE

The so-called real world isn’t much
better. In reaction to a few well-publi-
cized lawsuits, corporations have rushed
through sexual-harassment policies and
guidelines—designed to cover the corpo-
ration's ass, not yours. An entire industry
of specialists has arisen to conduct train-
ing programs. The new etiquette culled
from one seminar outlaws “sexual teas-
ing, jokes, remarks or gestures, pressure
for dates, letters, phone calls or material
of a sexual nature, sexually suggestive
looks or gestures, deliberate touching,
leaning over, cornering or pinching,
pressure for sexual favors, actual or
attempted rape or sexual assault.” Notice

how the list of what could be normal
courtship behavior is lashed to the an-
chor of actual abuse, If you can't court in
school or at work, what's left?

Zealots have turned sexual-harass-
ment guidelines into weapons of censor-
ship. The San Diego Fire Department,
for example, told its personnel that “no
person shall knowingly place, maintain
or display or allow or cause to be placed,
maintained or displayed in any fire-
department work site . . . any pictorial
material which exposes to the view of
unwilling fellow employees: any state-
ment or words describing sexual con-
duct, sex organs or excrement where
such statements or words have as their
purpose or effect sexual arousal,
gratification or affront, or which create
or tend to create a hostile work environ-
ment, or any picture or illustration
depicting nudity or sexual conduct where
such picture or illustration has as its pur-
pose or effect sexual arousal, gratifica-
tion or affront or which creates or tends
to create a hostile work environment.”

MIXED MESSAGE

Enough is enough. An aggressively
vehement sexual-harassment policy,
whether in the workplace, on campus or
in high school, spreads a message that
there is something intrinsically evil
about male sexuality. It preaches that
men must keep their reactions (and their
erections) bottled up tightly, that any
remnant of that sexuality (in the form of
a look, a comment, a gesture, even a
declaration of interest) is potentially dan-
gerous, hurtful and, now, criminal.

Think about the potential effect on
women. Instead of empowering them,
such codes seem to send an almost Victo-
rian message—that women are weak,
frail, neurasthenic creatures who could
be ırreparably traumatized by a stray
comment. Yes, workplace sexual harass-
ment exists—and it can be a problem. It
appears most often as a sustained cam-
paign (often in a newly integrated yet
still mostly male workplace such as a con-
struction site). There, the perpetrators
know they are making a woman's work
highly unpleasant but persist, often with
the goal of driving her from her job. Still,
these situations can be handled just as
well by the existing laws and workplace
codes designed to ensure civility and to
punish the abuse of power in coercive
sex. There will always be rude individu-
als and downright assholes, Must we all
be bound by their restraining rope?

The coed workplace is here to stay. Let
it be one where men and women feel free
to be themselves, a place where a full hu-
man spectrum (masculinity, femininity,
humor and affection) is expressed.

—STEPHANIE GUTMANN, author of “Date

Rape,” Playboy Forum, October 1990

YOU BE THE JUDGE

How much do you really know
about sexual harassment? What fol-
Jows are actual case scenarios. Did
sexual harassment occur? If so, what
relief did the court order?

YOU DECIDE

1. A male supervisor sat on his fe-
male subordinates’ laps, made lewd
comments and touched their knees.
He licked one woman's glasses and

suggested what else he could do with
his tongue. He told other women that
he hadn't had any sex lately and made
jokes about the length of his penis.

He teased one subordinate about
the size of her breasts and remarked
in the presence of others that women
“have shit for brains” and “should be
barefoot and pregnant.”

Other employees told dirty stories
and jokes at each others offices.
There, some of the women would roll
up a male supervisor's pants legs, roll
down his socks, untie his shoes and
snap his waistband and belt. The su-
pervisor had sex on the premises with
one of his female subordinates and
had sex with a second on a business
trip.

The plaintiff took no part in this
activity but was exposed to it. She
sued. Did she win?

ANSWER: Yes. Witnesses testified that
the sexual activities were unwelcome.

However, because the plaintiff did not
demonstrate any tangible loss as a re-
sult of her supervisor's conduct, the
court awarded her only one dollar in
damages.

2. A male company president
touched the plaintiffs shoulder and
rubbed her arm and back, hugged
her and, on one occasion, put his
hand under her coat and fondled her

breast—behavior that the plaintiff did
not welcome. Beyond that, he made
no sexual overtures. "This world
needs a lot more touching, the
supervisor explained. "[It] is a friend-
ly thing, a way of saying I like you."
Some female employees found his
touching offensive; others thought it
indicated a warm family atmosphere.
"The plaintiff complained and was told
to either be silent or be fired. She re-
signed and sued.

Did she win?

ANSwER: Yes. The plaintiff estab-
lished a quid pro quo claim, because
the company conditioned her employ-
ment on her tolerating the conduct.
Also, the number of incidents was
sufficient to create an intimidating
and hostile work environment. The
court awarded damages of more than
$33,000.

3. The plaintiff worked for a chain
of fashion stores. She voluntarily

engaged in sexual relations with the
president of the company at least once
before she left in 1978. She was rehired
again in 1982, having since married, and
this time refused his overtures. Later, she
found a sealed envelope on her desk
marked PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL; it
contained a newspaper report on a semi-
nar about “extramarital affairs without
guilt” and $7.50 in cash. During her busi
ness trips with the president, he often en-
tered her hotel room wearing a bathrobe
and attempted to climb into her bed or
asked her to shower with him. Once,
wearing a bathrobe, he attempted to
massage her neck and body and get her
to lie down with him. Another time, he
gave her a pornographic magazine.

When the plaintiff balked at accompa-
nying him on any more trips, the presi
dent threatened to fire her. Her health
deteriorated, She resigned and sued.

Did the plaintiff win?

ANSWER: Yes. She proved sexual harass-
ment by showing that her employer's con-
duct created a hostile environment.

4. The plaintiff was a 33-year-old si
gle woman employed by a large metro-
politan housing authority, During her
probation, her supervisor touched her

again kissed her on the neck and she
protested. He threatened to fail her on
her probation report. The following d
the supervisor suggested they meet out-
side the office and again tried to kiss her.
This time, she hit him with a ruler and
knocked his glasses off. On a later review,
the supervisor gave her an unsatisfactory
performance rating. She sued.

Did the plaintiff win?

answer: Yes, The court found a hostile
environment. But it awarded only autor
ney's fees and not damages. because the
plaintiff failed to prove pain and suffer-
ing or any wage loss. The court did order
the housing authority to reassign the
plaintiff to a new supervisor and to en-
sure that she would not be harassed
again. This case illustrates that a “tough”
victim, who is not overtly harmed by se:
ual harassment, may not collect much.

5. The plaintiff lost out on a promotion
to supervisory nurse when the position
was awarded t0 another woman who was
having an affair with the chief medical
officer. The plaintiff proved that her
work surpassed that of the other woman,
who had a record of unprofessional and
dishonest conduct. She could not directly
prove that the two had had sex. How-
ever, witnesses supported her story
She sued, claiming (hat having sex
with a supervisor constituted a term or

condition of promotion.

Did the plaintiff win?

answer: Yes. The court held that a
woman could prove sexual harassment
by showing that an atmosphere of sexual
conduct so permeated the workplace that
promotion was based on dispensing sex-
ual favors rather than on merit. It was
ry Lo prove that actual sexual
d taken plac.
that the two held hands and kissed
sufficed. The court awarded the plaintiff
her promotion, back pay and consider-
ation of other relief. In similar cases,
other courts have disagreed.

6. A fellow supervisor customarily
made obscene comments about women
and directed some of them to the

“The
United States
Supreme
Court
ruled that
‘voluntary’ sex is
not necessarily
‘welcome’

sex.”

plaintiff, Management was aware ol his
vulgarity but chose not to interfere. Oth-
er male employees displayed nude or
seminude posters of women in their
offices. One desk plaque read, Even мл.
CHAUVINIST PICS NEED Love. This superv
sor regularly referred to women as
whores,” “cunt,” “pussy” and “tits.” He
id, referring to the plaintiff, “All that
bitch needs is a good lay” and called her
а “fat ass.” She was terminated.

Did the plaintiff win?

answer: No. The court found that the
obscenities, though annoying, did not se
riously affect the plaintilf or other female
employees. The posters, the court ruled,
were not outrageous in the context of a
society that condones erotica in movies

the newsstands. One judge dis-
part, arguing that the obscei
ties did create an antifemale and hostile
environment.
7. The plaintiff, an employee at a min-
ig camp, charged her supervisor with
the following acts of sexual harassment:
(1) He invited her to an out-of-state foot-
ball game; she declined; (2) he invited
her to the company cabin for a drink; she
declined: (3) he appeared in her office to.
take a telephone call with only a towel
wrapped around his wa
that she scrub his back; she declined; (4)
he persistently told explicit and sugges-
live jokes and stories in front of her, even
though she requested that he not do so;
and (5) he told her that he dreamed of
being with or married to a dark-haired,
slender woman like the plaintiff. She
went on maternity leave, and when she
nformed the company of her return
date, was told that no position was avail-
able. The plaintiff was then discharged.

Did she win?

Answer: No. The alleged acts of sexual
harassment were not intended as acts of
harassment, and there was no connection
between them and her termination.

B. The plaintiff started as a bank teller
nd eventually rose to assistant branch
manager solely оп шеги. She then al-
leged that her branch manager took her
to dinner and invited her to a motel for
sex. She resisted, but he told her she
'owed" him. because he had originally
hired her. They had sex at the motel, and
then 40 or 50 times over the next two
years in the bank vault and other rooms,
during and after business hours. She
testified that the branch manager also
fondled her breasts and buttocks, some-
times in public, and exposed himself in
the ladies’ room. He promised her a pro-
motion. The plaintiff never complained
about his conduct to anyone at the bank,
claiming that she was afraid of him. The
branch manager denied any sexual rela-
tionship, claiming that the plainúll had
fabricated the story because of a job-re-
ted argument between the two. He dis
charged the plaintiff when she f

ist and suggested

return from indefinite sick leave. The
intilf sued
Did she win:
answer: Yes. The United State

me Court ruled that "voluntary
not necessarily "welcome" sex:
woman can have sex ag
mple, out of fear. The Court left open
the possibility that the bank might be
held liable, even if its officers had по
knowledge of the incidents.
— ROBERT GIDDING, ап е
lawyer in Philadelph

upre
sex is

st her will, for

ployment
à

THE LADY

On September 17, 1990, several
New England Patriots football players
allegedly hung their genitals out to
dry in front of Boston Herald jock
scribe Lisa Olson in the Patriots’ lock-
er room. One of the players may or
may not have said, “Is this what you
want? Is this what you're looking for?”

Olson averted her eyes, staring at
the carpet. “Several of them ap-
proached me, positioned themselves
inches away from my face and dared
me to touch their private parts. 1 re-
fused to give them the satisfaction of
looking up, though 1 can positively
say one of them was Zeke Mowatt.”
Mowatt passed a lie-detector test but
was fined $2000, anyway.

Olson took to the warpat
and on television, гере
litany: “I felt humi
jated, degraded. I've
called it mind rape. I
felt violated, disgusted;
I was ready to scream,
tocry or throw up." She
threatened, and later
filed, a lawsuit charging
sexual harassment.

Olson, who says she
never wanted to be the
story, became the story
and a feminist cause
célebre. The National
Organization for Wom-
en declared her victim
of the moment and an-
nounced a boycott
against Patriots owner
Victor Kiam’s Reming-
ton shavers.

The press had a field day у
Garber, the first woman reporter al-
Towed іп a men's locker room, sniffed,
“There is no reason why women can't
be in the dressing room without any
embarrassment to themselves or the
athletes. Why саш athletes put towels
around their waists or wear bath-
robes?”

Sports Hlustrated reporter Ron Fim-
rite was vehement: Locker rooms
should be off limits to writers, forcing
journalists to bring the game alive
through the power of their prose (of
course, he works on a weekly dead-
line).

n print

icago Tribune columnis Bob
Greene checked in with a solution:
Have both the reporters and the sub-
jects disrobe. Why stop with sports-

welcome to the club

writers? Imagine the trend—Debo-
rah Norville doing celebrity puff
pieces au naturel. On the other hand,
the vision of Ted Koppel and Jesse
Helms debating in the raw indicates
that this is not a soluti
"Ihe point that is being missed is
that the locker room is players’ tur!
anybody from the outside is consid-
ered an intruder and treated like one.
It is a justifiably hostile environment.
Can you think of any other profession
where, as you dress or undress for
work, you are surrounded by scores of
people, many of whom уо
met, asking you sometimes inane or
pointed questions you don't want to
wer, particularly if you or the tcan
is in a slump? Confession may be
good for the soul; the locker-room

aterview is demonstrably not. If you
up. you're called surly. If you
shoot your mouth off, you may say
something the cold reality of print
wont let you forget.

Everyone wants to feel special, but,
Lisa, what happened to you was, I'm

fraid, just routine, and any reporter
who has been around knows it. Oak-
land columnist Dave Newhouse tells
of an incident a few years back involv-
ing an Oakland Raiders star who was
peeved about an item the reporter
had penned the previous day. After
dogging, Newhouse mercilessly
locker room, the player kept at it on
the plane heading home. In front of
his teammates and the rest of the pas-
sengers, the player yelled at the top of
his lungs, "Newhouse, you want 10

N THE LOCKER ROOM

! You want to suck 'em!”
“Hey,

suck my gi

Deadpanned Newhouse,
man, I would never stoop so low.

1 remember a moment from my
early years when I was interviewing
then—Detroit Tigers superstar Ron
LeFlore. I was the first long-haired,
non-leisure-suited reporter on the
beat and took some heat. One of their
so-called relief pitchers daintily prof-
fered on his index finger a pair of
pink scented women's pantics. “Ar
these yours?” he asked. "Someone
told me they belonged to you.”

In an inspired moment, one of
those in which God watches out for
madmen and litle children, 1
grabbed the panties from his finge
sniffed them inside and out and
handed them back h,” 1 said.
“These belong to your
momma. 1 remember
the perfume from last
night.”

‘To say that Olson
was singled out ђе
cause she was a wom-
an is а phony
notion—she was get-
ting equal treatment.
As Robert Lipsyte
said in The New York
Times, “Most athletes
think all reporters are
girls, anyway"

Gene Upshaw, exec-
director of the

ation, focused on the
real issuc—the rights
of players. Owners
them like plantation slaves; re-
piranha
treat pigs that fall into the Amazon.
“People deserve to be treated with
respect and dignity whether they
male or female, pro football players or
members of the media,” said Upshaw.

~ players should be afforded ab-
solute privacy in their locker rooms.
They should not be expect
quired to participate in media
views unless fully clothed. The most
reasonable accommodation of the
needs of the media and the needs of
the players is to provide a separate
arca, removed from the locker room,
where all players would be available
on an equal basis to all аса
members of the media, male or fe
male.” —KEN KELLEY

KING FEATURES,

41

DOUBLE STANDARD
OR MACHO MYOPIA?

While it was flattering to find
the Sarah Murnen, Annette Pe-
rot and Donn Byrne survey dis-
cussed in the November Playboy
Forum (“Date Rape: Part 11”),
our enthusiasm was somewhat
diminished by the presence of
such pejorative terms as double
standard and bias. Although our
investigation dealt only with fe-
males, that limitation does not in
any way imply that males cannot
also be victims. In general, there
has been greater interest in fe-
male victims of rape, sexual ha-
Tassment, incest and various
other sexual crimes because
(whatever the explanation) the
perpetrators of such acts are pre-
ponderantly male, whereas the
targets are preponderantly fe-
male. This fact represents not an
instance of double standards but

NI Voice

ARE M

ERIK
PEGO
ra

RS

harmful to women (because it trau-
matizes them, spoils their virtue,
reduces their self-esteem—if self-
esteem can be measured only by ab-
stinence or virginity—whatever
the jargon of the times). There are
ways of looking at college courtship
rituals—as opposed to coercive
sex—that do not use the words per
Petrator or viclim, that do not in-
voke the old patriarchal need to
punish sexual experimentation,
that are balanced and objective

The revolution that allowed such a
view is neither sophomoric nor
mere machismo myth (your bias is
showing). What you've produced is
great political science, not social
Science. It fits the prevailing propa-
gonda—which you call education.
We are not callous about rape—ue
think it such a serious offense that
we don't want to see the term trivi-
alized by applying it to all forms of
sexual negotiation.

of gender differences. More dis-
turbing is the apparent bias of
your writer in describing our
work as well as that of Mary Р.
Koss, Christine A. Gidycz and
Nadine Wisniewski. He (or possi-
bly she) clearly assumes that date
rape is a misnomer unless the in-
teraction includes the use of
physical force or the threat of
such force. It is further suggest-
ed that in order to qualify as a
criminal act rather than merely

“WEA ete RUM eni]
others: You will either listen to me or you will listen
to Luther and Sinéad and Axl and Frank, as in
Zappa. Government is listening to the parents I
have listened to, and you need to know that these
parents will use government, through law enforce-
ment and civil litigation, to hit you upside the head
unless you use your head.

“All your clever lawyers cannot erase the con-
Sequences of distributing obscenity to children
whose parents are appropriately armed for
revenge.”

—JACK THOMPSON, Florida-based attorney
and instigator of the 2 Live Crew

TAKING ON TANNER

I truly enjoyed your article
“What Kind of Man Hates Sex?”
(The Playboy Forum, November).
I can tell you that state's attorney
John Tanner has bitten off more
than he can chew. Video dealers
and concerned citizens across
central Florida have organized
Friends of the First Amendment
10 oppose censorship The
amount of negative publicity

unwanted sex, the experience
must be described as a rape by
the target person. Playboy's cov-
erage of this topic does more
harm than good when it serves to perpet-
uate the sophomoric machismo myth that
no great harm is done unless unwilling
sexual partners are coerced by physical
means. Acquaintance rape (and, more
generally, sexual harassment) seldom fits
that description. The basic point of most
educational campaigns designed to dis-
courage coercive sexuality is to convince
both the perpetrators and the victims
that employing emotional, economic or
psychological pressure, making false
professions of love, using alcohol to re-
duce resistance and other sexually cal-
lous techniques are as unacceptable as
any of the more primitive, coercive acts.
If ethical and moral concerns fail to per-
suade the instigator to stop when the oth-
er person says no, legal remedies are now
available to punish the offender. Our civ-

obscenity investigation, іп a

commentary for Billboard magazine

ilization has gradually reached the con-
clusion that all is not fair in either love or

war.

Donn Byrne, Ph.D., President-Elect

Society for the Scientific Study of Sex

University at Albany

Albany, New York

You missed the point. If you expand the

term rape to include all unwanted sex
(which you apparently do), then you must
recognize the Muehlenhard-Cook study that
shows that both sexes experience roughly
equal amounts of unwanted sex. So much
Sor your theory of a preponderance of male
perpetrators and female targets. We suspect
that you are more interested in female vic-
tims because it plays to all of the old
ethics—that females need protection, that
unwanted Sex is really wanted by males, that
male sexuality is predatory and that sex is

‘Tanner has attracted in his an-
tiporn crusade has been directly
responsible for the thrashing of
fundamentalist candidates at the
polls. Video dealers have conducted
voter-registration drives and are fighting
back.

David Wasserman, Executive Director

Friends of the First Amendment

Altamonte Springs, Florida

NC-17 NIXED

I see that only days after the Motion
Picture Association of America approved
the NC-17 rating, a movie theater in Ded-
ham, Massachusetts, was forced to cancel
a showing of Henry & June, the first
movie to receive the new NC-17 stamp.
Dedham selecuman Frank Geishecker
told the press that he would consider re-
voking the theaters license if it showed
the sexually explicit film but added, “We
are not censors. All we care is that we
preserve the community standards of

the town of Dedham.” I disagree heartily
with Geishecker's statement. By any
definition, he and his fellow assembly-
men are censors. The act of preventing a
movie from being shown simply because
the board is offended by its content seems
to me to be a crowning act of censorshi
1 feel sorry for the townspeople of Ded-
ham. Are they so ignorant that they need
politicians to tell them what movies they
can watch?

Donald Vaughan
Greenacres, Florida

2 LIVE CREW UNSHACKLED
I'm sure that Playboy readers will re-
joice at the not-guilty verdict turned in
by a jury of old ladies and young whi
males in the 2 Live Crew trial. The prose-
cution was a waste of taxpayers’ money, a
comedy of errors from the start. I was
encouraged when the jury asked the
court for permission to laugh at the Key-
stone capers. I was offended when the
prosecutor admitted that he was worried
by one of the jurors, a 76-year-old sociol-
ogist. He told The New York Times, "She
hated me, I could just feel it. She was ex-
tremely liberal. She was a sociologist and
I don't like sociologists. They try to rea-
son things out too much.”
Barry Talcott
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Yeah, if you let sociologists reason things
out, soon every American will want to. The
Florida obscenity cases sent a mixed mes-
sage: On the one hand, it appears that
Luther Campbell and the boys will be able to
exercise their freedom of expression. But
Charles Freeman, the shopkeeper who sold
their album, was found guilty. It raises the
question, If a tree falls in the middle of the
forest, and the record company can't get lo-
cal stores to sell a CD of the event, does it
make a sound? The labeling controversy
has taken the pressure off the artist and put
й on the middleman. The result? A loss of
access to free expression.

“COPS AND ARTISTS”

1 have been following the National
Endowment of the Arts funding contro-
versy and your own anticensorship
campaign for some time. It appears to
me that you and all the other self-
righteous defenders of freedom of ex-
pression may have missed a salient point.
Don't get me wrong—I love pictures of
well-developed naked women, and I ad-
mire pictures of well-developed naked
men and I enjoy pictures of well-devel-
oped naked men and women engaged in

sexual activity. I wish you would publish
more of the last. But pictures of naked
five-year-old girls and boys? You seem to
think that any photograph taken by a
professional photographer is art. Wrong.
Professionals can take photographs that
are obscene by any standards. Maybe you
First Amendment ics should con:
er the possibility that Robert Map-
plethorpe and Jock Sturges (see "Cops
and Artists,” The Playboy Forum, Novem-
ber) did take some obscene pictures that
don't deserve to see the light of day.
Jon K. Evans
Sherman Oaks, California
It is often said that obscenity is in the eye
of the beholder Both Mapplethorpe and

Sturges saw innocence in the nakedness of
children. Any reasonable person looking at
their pictures would see the same thing—
the jury in Cincinnati found the Map-
plethorpe photos to be morally innocent. But
your letter shows the same primitive, but no
less legitimate, fear as the censors’: You
have a sexual response to pictures of naked
well-developed men and women. The ques-
tion is, Are you reacting to the nakedness or
to the development? Obviously, most of us
have a different sexual response to adults
than to children. If you don't respond sexu-
ally to children, don't expect to respond to
pictures of children. To label photos of chil
dren obscene simply because the subjects are
naked is dangerous and destructive,

Lared
Riding Ih:

A.C.L.U. poster presents a new endangered-species
roster of books, magazines, cartoons, albums and artwork.

‘Reprinted with permission of the American СМІ Liberties Union. © Al rights reserved.

44

N E W S ERON T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

CONDOM CAPERS

noscow—Protesting the Soviet Union's
shortage of birth-control devices, members
of the country’s newly formed Libertarian
Party gathered outside Moscow's Intourist

Hotel and tossed hundreds of American-
made condoms into the air. As scores uf
rubberstarved onlookers went into a feed-
ing frenzy, the group unfurled a banner
reading ONE NUCLEAR SUBMARINE EQUALS
FIVE BILLION CONDOMS, suggesting that
rubbers are worth big rubles in the

U.S.S.R. and that nuclear subs aren't.

NEW YORK CrrY—Reversing. previous
school-board policy, and with the support
of Mayor David Dinkins, Chancellor
Joseph A. Fernandez is planning to dis-
tribute condoms to students in New York
City’s junior and senior high schools as a
means of combating teenage pregnancies
and the rapid spread of AIDS.

MONTGOMERY, MARYLAND—A dozen
residents are opposing Montgomery's
school-board policy allowing the display of
contraceplives in sexeducation classes,
calling this the equivalent of handing out
how-to manuals.

ATTENTION, SHOPPERS

WASHINGTON. De — The use of pot and
coke by teenagers is down 27 percent and
44 percent, respectively, according lo a
poll conducted in 1990. A national mar-
ket-rescarch firm invited teens in shop-
bing malls to drop responses into locked
boxes. Only 21 percent of teens surveyed
said they had smoked marijuana in 1990

(down from 29 percent in 1989). Only 5.9
percent of the teens said they had tried
cocaine (down from 106 percent in
1989). Half of the teens surveyed agreed
that “people on drugs act stupidly and
foolishly.” Of course, people not on drugs

ROAD WARRIORS

SANTA CLARITA, CALIFORNIA—Authori-
ties have charged an irate van driver with
violating obscenity laws by displaying a
sign that offended the deputy sheriff who
issued him a ticket. The misdemeanor
charges include one of advertising ob-
scene matter and another of disturbing
the peace by offensive language. The dis-
trict attorney canceled a third charge of
soliciting a person to engage in lewd con-
duct, The defendant claims that the police
Photograph of his sign was misleading,
and that the offending sign read suck MY
DUCK.

Meanwhile, a poll of Southern Califor-
nia drivers by the Los Angeles Times
found that 38 percent had made indecent
gestures loward other motorists, 11 per-
cent had gotten into disputes (one percent,
physically) and five percent had carried
guns in their cars. The Sacred Heart Auto
League is trying to combat such belliger-
ence with TV ads that say things such as
“Drive with peace—use your driving
time to show Christ love.”

THEY LIKE TO WATCH

ммсоє, ONTAKIO—A Canadian judge
Jined a young couple 8600 for having sex
ona Lake Erie public beach, then ordered
the two to take out a classified ad in
the local paper apologizing to both the
police and the citizens of the community.
The cops were called by a woman who saw
the couple in action. When the police ar-
rived, they had to run off several young
spectators. The couple declared themselves
“totally embarrassed.”

TEEN-SEX BAILOUT

WASHINGTON. DGA study by the Cen-
ter for Population Options has calculated
that teenage pregnancies cost US. tax-
payers 21.6 billion dollars annually. The
study covered Federal expenses in 1989
Jor all families that started with a birth to
a teenage mother within the past several
years and included the cost of food stamps,
Aid to Families with Dependent Children

and Medicaid. Not included were Federal
outlays for housing subsidies, special edu
cation, foster care and day care or money
spent by the states. The center reports that
as of 1988, the birth rate for girls ages 15
to 19 had climbed to 53.6 per 1000.

SIN TAX

AUSTIN. TEXAS—Several states impose a
tax on illegal drugs, mostly to give drug
dealers additional charges to worry about.
Apparently, Texas is making a serious
effort to collect, Since the tax was passed
in 1989, the state comptrollers office
has billed 397 people for more than
$180,000,000 in unpaid drug taxes—
and has actually collected nearly $40,000
of it from people arrested for possession of
drugs without tax stamps on their con-
tainers. Incidentally, the state has also
collected $10,614 for tax stamps pre-
sumably purchased by collectors,

EMASCULATED ART

BALTIMORE— [he BAUhouse Gallery
recently held an exhibition of art that had
been censored at some time. The show in-
cluded "before" and "after" photos of an
outdoor sculpture of a reclining male that
Arlington County officials had decided

was (oo anatomically explicit. To make
them happy, the director of the sculpture
project had taken a knife and whacked off
ап inch of the offending penis. Said a
county official at the time, “It was a very
well-endowed male. No doubt about it.”

Hübeso King Mike Burcz
turns chrome into gold. He also prefers
я Christian Brothers Brandy.

Mike Burcz, former hot dog vendor.
Owner, Hubcap Heaven,
Philadelphia, PA

Ohristian Brothers. 6

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Reporter's Notebook

GOING GUSHY ON OIL

fear of an energy ‹

1515 fuels myth and turns sane minds soft. here are the

hard facts on what we need, and what we don't, from the arabs

The subject of oil is like а |
genic drug, making people с
paranoiae, apocalyptic and self
eous visions. Mention oil problems and
otherwise sober people predict disaster
with a zeal that. decade alter decade
undiminished by the fact that their dire
predictions of blackmail prices and eco-
попис collapse are never borne out.

The energy crises of 1973 and 1979
have one thing in common: They had
no lasting elect on the world econo

Each time, the price increase was short-
ed and was followed by a lengthy peri
od of cheap oil. In both extreme cases
(а boycott in 1973 and the collapse of
Iranian production in 1979), world oil
supplies dropped by only three 10
four percent, because other exporters
stepped in to boost production—jast as
they did in 1990 The Iraqi i
Kuwait prompted a startling rise in oil
prices but, in баст, merely brought oil
back to the price, in real dollar terms
after discounting for inflation, that it
had been back in 1973

Another way to look at it is that most
of the time, oil has been cheap, and it is
only when that is the case for some years
that a brief eruption of high prices oc
curs. Low prices are the norm and high
prices the aberration. OPEC, for all из
scary press, has never been able to get its
act together and hold prices at a markup
comparable 10 what the member coun-
tries have to pay for the computers, au-
tos and other finished goods that the
import with their oil revenue

We assume that bec
of the ground, there is something inhei
ently wicked about charging as much
can be got for the мий. OPEC.
ample, was thought to be an enemy of
the free market, when what its members
were auempting to do—rather patheti-
cally, it turns out—was play in the ma
ket the way other oligopolistic producers
do. Except they weren't as consistently
good at it as the people who manipulate
the prices of gold, diamonds, medical
lasers and top-of-the-line computers.
Anti-Arab chauvinism makes the evil
sheiks an easy target, but if OPEC is a
conspiracy, it dient begin with Arabs
Ihe pro-Western
ment of Venezu in
1960 as part of an effort to enhance the

vasion of

for ex-

democ

opinion By ROBERT SCHEER

revenue of iis dwindling oil reserves.

The next big push in oil pricing came
in the late Sixties from another strong
U.S. ally, the shah of Ivan, who had been
put in power by the СТА alter it ove
threw Mohammad Mossadeq, an Irani-
an nationalist who had dared to move to

nationalize his country’s oil in 1951
Iran and another former Western
ad, Iraq, with a substantial number

of mouths and soldiers to leed and
smaller long-term reserves, have consist-
ently supported higher prices, while the
Gulf Arabs, led by Saudi Arabia, have
sought to push the price down, There is
no conspiracy here but, rather, a long-
running civil war within the cartel tha
erupted so dramatically with Iraq's inva
sion of Kuwait
Iraq's power grab was driven not by
grand global designs, as President Rush
insisted, but by а more mundane con-
cern about the price of oil. Oil, which is
Iraq's sole revenue earner, and which is
particularly crucial alter its costly war
with Tran, had been on a slide for five
years, when Kuwait started dumping it
to drive down the price. Saddam Hu:
sein, meanwhile, was leading the effort
to raise oil to $20 a rel, still well be-
low what the price would have been if it
had followed the inflationary trend of
the past two decades. Kuwait added in-
sult to injury by dumping oil that, in
part, was siphoned from contested fields
on its Iraqi border
Kuwaits motives rem,
ome view the dumping as consistent
a long-standing policy of
the West of a stable and low-priced e
gy source, while othe aimed at

т obscure.

with

weakening Kuwait's former ally Iraq
once Iran was по longer a threat
Not to go casy on Saddam, who seems

despicable enough, but his motives
seemed clear—certainly more straight-
forward and market-oriented than tn
Hiderian overtones President Bush has
given them. Villainy and oil are histori-
cally interwoven, and whether it's John
D. Rockefeller or Saddam Hussein, any
one near oil becomes the center of
maddening fantasies. In the end, the
competition of the oil barons sets limits

to their greed, and in the larger world
economy, they are not the only strong
players. Trust that Mitsubishi and Nis-

one to sell them oil at a
onable price or they will simply in-
per substitute.
search for alternatives stagnated
preasely because oil was so cheap. Presi-
dent Nixon declared Operation Inde-
pendence in the wake of the 1973 crisis,
when the U.S. was importing 30 percent
of its oil, and by the time the 1979 crisis
occurred, we were importing 40 per
This was no conspiracy; because
the price of oil had been low in the inte:
vening six years, the bucks just weren't
there for investment in U.S. production.
Increasing domestic production and
alternative fuels are dependent
upon maintaining a high price for oil for
to warrant the investment.

Another hoax concerns the purported
need for energy independence. Sudden-
ly. in is wrong to key commodi-
у. as il we are not already dependent for
our survival on access to an
al market. The L nous ener
gy resources—coal, oil, natural
geothermal steam—that we don fully
tap into, because they're cheaper to buy
abroad. When cosis abroad run high,
new production clicks in in this country.
When oil costs ten dollars a barr
Texas oil fields are not viable; but at $25
a barrel, they become important. It was
a rundown of oil prices, nor any conspir
acy, that caused American domestic pro-
duction to sag to а 29-year low. The
gloom-and-doom people ignore this ob-
us [act of the market, I we ever do
get into a sustained energy crunch, such
ac ormous boost
s. The U.S. has a
virtually inexhaustible supply, and natu-
ral gas can take over n of the fune
tions of petroleum, includi
automobile engines:

Energy independence is the odd cry
and conservative like,
though neither can agree on whether
that means more nuclear power plant
offshore drilling or suip mining. to

ame just a few of the more controver-
sial means that may lead to independ-
ence. и would be stupid to sponse
that sort of crash program when oil,
even at $40 a barrel, remains cheaper
and Kur less dis for the environ.
Some other alternatives, such as

сасе

san will find so:

cent.

gas,

to a switch to n

rou
mei

morc nd—heaven

autos

47

QUALITY ABOVE ALL.

„Жу он
“Winsiohy +.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

odays Winston
means an open
dialogue with our
smokers.

To assure your
complete
satisfaction, we
have a special

on every pack.

Its all part of our
commitment to be
the best.

Today.
And tomorrow.

forbid—mass transit, should be pursued
anyway. If thinking crisis helps. fine. But
» oil prices will
sin, we will be left with

the crisis of relatively h

pass, and once

the Notsam of all those schemes for ener
gy independence, such as the thousands
of rusting windmills on the hills of Alta-
mont Pass of California.

Of course, the entire problem of oil
insecurity can be solved by declaring
Saudi Arabia the 51st state. But that's
not necessary. The interests of Saudi
Arabia and the U.S. are so tightly inter-
that the Saudis’ despotic theac
су would never do anything to disturb
the U.S. markets, Their portfolio is too
heavily invested here.

As Sheik Ahmed Zaki Yamani put it,

We had money to invest. so we invested
it heavily in the West. It stands to reason
that when you invest in a country, the
way we did in the United States, then
the prosperity of that country becomes
your concern.” To which he added accu-
rately enough. “The theme for const
ity of

wove

ing countries has always been sec

supplies and cheaper prices, Our theme
ha

never been dissimilar

Which is why Bush sent troops to
protect Saudi Arabia. Ever since the
mid-Thirties, when Standard Oil of Cali-
fornia discovered the Saudi oil reserves,
the symbiotic relation with the House of
Saudi has been as clear as it is tight. The
Western consortium of Arabian Ameri-
can Oil Company (ARAMCO) provided
the experts who did everything but wipe

noses of the royal family, and maybe
These camel-herding

the

they did that, too,
Bedouins have been provided with all
they need, from
change for cheap oil. And they have con-
ммешіу kept up their end of the
bargain, Indeed, now that Saudi Arabia
not only owns ARAMGO but is involved
in the “downstream” refining and sales
part of the oil business—it owns half in-
terest in three Texaco refineries and
11,450 U.S, service stations—its interests
and those of Western oil companies are
truly identical,
Which raises
those concerned about high-pr
In their new situation as sellers of the

irms to airports, in ex

troubling point for
ed oil

finished product, the Saudis may aban-
don their traditional obligation 10 pro
vide the West with cheap oil, Now they
аге on the opposite side and their part-
ners. the Western oil companies, benefit
enormously from higher oil prices. For
ARCO, which is a big oil producer, it is
estimated that а one-dollar rise m the
price of crude adds 5140,000,000 to the
company’s after-tax. profits. For Exxon.
i's $272,000,000 in additional profit for
each new dollar on crude, These profits,
along with direct investment by the oil-
exporting countries, boost the Western
omies dramatically

So why the hysteria? Из а palliative
for other economic wounds. The deba

de of the budget summit occurred in the

midst of the Iraqi invasion, demonstrat-
ing that our economic problems are far
more basic and intractable than can be
ed by the determinisi

expla
pric
hysteria works splendidly as a way to

y. But for demagogic purposes, oil

divert attention from more. profound
issues.

Lets take up just one: the more pru-
dent use of all of the world’s nonrenew-
able resources, including oil, by the
nations that аге the major users. Obvi-

ously, no progress will be made in this

area without some dramatic cl
m
oil, even children know by now that re-
liance on the private auto must give way
to more ellicient forms of mass trans-
portation. In Japan and western Eu-
rope, there is evidence of a serious
commitment to just that. But in the U.S.,
forget it, In 1973. transportation ac
counted for 53 percent of oil use, and by
1990, it had grown to 63 percent.

The solution most often advanced, as

the consu

m pattern. In the ca

it was in the Bush budget. is to increase
is pump. The New York
Times went so far as to suggest that we
add 795 to 50 cents to the price of a gal-
lon of gasoline." Fine, if you're going to
work in Manhattan, where the auto is al-
ready useless and mass-transit. alterna-
tive:
But for the rest of the country. we'd be

the tax au the

not to mention walking. abound

g a regressive tax on people who
have no other way to go to their job sites.

In the midst of this latest energy crisis.
when the U.S. Government was grandly
forgiving billions of dollars in debt and
throwing around military aid and troop-
deployment costs, money for Amtrak
was threatened by the budget impasse
For me, the biggest surprise in reading
about that was to discover that the entire
Federal subsidy for developing a nation-
al rail system comes to $632,000,000 а

year, By the standards of the billions that

imposin

we throw at Egypt alone to ensure the
Mideast. politics and oil
es, that’s not even carfare.

Let's be serious. Hf dependency on
n oil is a concern, there аге obvi-
ctical solutions to the problem
They are not followed because the pol-
iticians who wail so balelully during an
energy crisis are not serious about pro-
viding long-run alternatives. They fear
high prices and an oil shortage less than
they welcome it

stability of
pr

foren,

ous pr

sa specter to explain
away larger failures in the U.S. economy

The fact that Japan and Germany. the

two cou
eign oil, have also been the most success-
ful economically during the рам 20
years of oil-price Huctuations gives the
ће to energy-crisis hysterii. Why don't
we just get off this scapegoating kick and
get on with doing what the other West-
em economic powers do right—produce
stuff the world market wants to buy?

El

ics том dependent on for

49

From the Preducer of THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER.

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10:13 roman = RODENT DLON ue DANNO ИЕН = STEPHEN COUNTS "= MACE МН = JONN MITOS sn PAINT PURE
tke OPENS FRIDAY JANUARY 18

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW:

a candid

conversation

SISKEL & EBERT

with films cattiest

critics as they take

on the siars, the studios, the ratings and—mosi of all—each other

W's Wednesday morning and Roger Ebert
is running lale. Wednesday is the day he and
Gene Siskel tape “Siskel & Ebert,” their syn-
dicated mavie-resiea show, and movies are on
his mind when he arrives at executive produc-
er Larry Dieckhaus’ office, Ebert mumbles
something about Spike Lee's "Мо Belle
HBlues"— "It could lose the ending. Spike
caveless"—and glances at the Holly
trade papers. “See. Im late, but Gene isnt
even ћете vet." he says triumphantly. ИХ up to
Dieckhaus to break the bad news. “Genes
been here.” he calmly tells him. “He's т make-
up now.” Ebert seems slightly disappointed—
т the never-ending competition that is the
trademark of their partnership. Siskel has
won a small victory simply by getting to the
studio first.

Later, Siskel—the tall, balding one—and
Ebert—the о m one with glasses—
walk into a studio where they sit in mock the-
ater seals and gel wady to challenge each
other's opinions of several current films. They
are both wearing sweaters under their sports
jackets, something they've done for the 15
years they ve been doing this show in ils vari-
ous incarnations. Sometimes they release their
ташу (aud hostilities) by playing Pease

Porridge Hot, clapping their hands and malt
ing contact with each other just befor they're
ready to roll.

The show's first mistake comes early and it's
Siskel who has the honor of making it. He
mistakenly reads one of Eberts lines off the
TelePromp Ver. Ebert is disgusted. “See the line

above that?” he asks. “H says kocer. Doesn't
that mean youre поп supposed to read it?”

Is Ebert begins his thumbs-up review: of
“The Unbelievable Truth.” one of the staff
comments, “Now I understand why Roger
liked it—it veminded him of Dawid Lynch
Talk about a major waste of time. Talk about
amateurish acting

So even here, where Siskel and Ebert do the
show that has made them the most powerful
and famous movie critics in the county,
they've being contradicted by their own ај].
Bul, of course, in America, everyone is а
movie critic, which makes the million-dollar
success of a pair of Chicago-based newspaper
journalists all the move remarkable.

И takes less than an hour to tape the show,
which is carried on a staggering 200 stations
But for Siskel and Ebert, the show lives au.
They're invited to speak at various functions;
they ave frequent guests on “The Tonight
Show,” “Late Night with David Letterman”
aud “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Today,
theyll хихи Northwestern” University, just
north of Chicago, lo talk lo 60 media-wise
students about journalism.

Ay мит ах they arrive, they're informed that
the students aren't journalism majors; they're
simply interested in working in TV. “If you
sant to gel into TU” Ebert advises the galher-
ing, “begin with print. Or youll become the

langhingstock of whatever small station you
wind up m."

Siskel арте heartily. "Everything I want 1
gel by writing. I wrote a wme-sentence job ap-

plication. 1 wrote ту marnage proposal.”

Having heard the stories af each others
lives so often, they decide to change roles.
Ebert will tell Siskel’s life story: Siskel,
Ebert's. Of course, Ebert is only two sentences
into his tale of Siskel’s life when Siskel inter-
тири to protest Ebert's hyperbole, Ebert calls
his partner “RoboCrilic,” because Siskel often
paces and points his finger as if he were a
lawyer trying а case, though Ebert volunteers
that he'd hire Siskel to defend him if Siskel
were a lawyer: That causes Siskel lo wonder
aloud what crime Ebert might сотти.

‘Probably murder" Ebert answers. “Un-
fortunately, after ГЇ committed it, you
wouldn't be around to defend те.“

Siskel starts in on Ebert's
Roger was а smart child, and hur
vas in his view of the world. “As an only
child, he was paid altention to,” says Siskel.
When Ebert mterjects that he was also editar
of the school paper and president of his senior
class, Siskel expresses. surprise that Ebert
might have been popular as well as over-
weight,

“7 wasn't that fat when I was in high
school.” Ebert fares back. “T was on the swim-
ming team.”

17У an opening too wide for Siskel to ig-
"Well. we knw vou could float.”

The andience langhs. After all, if you come
lo hear Siskel and Ebert, you expect arguing,
humor and a few well-placed barbs. Their
contentious relationship i а large part of
their appeal, and their competitive nature is

могут

ету secure

nom

“Roger has а weed lo prose to
himself that he is better than me,
not only as а [ilm critic but as а
human being. He's lile à dog will
а bone, and Tm the bone."

“What Gene can't figure ош is
thal, despite all his efforts, 1 al-
ways wind up on top. Гт smarter
funnier, Гт а better writes, a bel-
ter talker, Em better оп TV.

“Roger's a tyrant all the time,

with everybody. Pim one of the
people in this world who cam
sand up to him, and that must
frustrate him terribly. Terribly.”

r

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE CONWAY

“He prides himself on being in-
competent. The story of Gene's life
is а constant trad of computers
that (ом his file, malfunctioni
machines, late flights, delays.”

PLAYBOY

genuine and intense.

After a couple of hours of advice, stories
and insults, Ebert calls Jor an audience vote.
“Who likes me more than Gene?” A few hands
go up. "Who likes Gene more?” A few other
hands are raised. “A lot of yon dit vate," he
complains. "1 really want you lo like me.”
Vho do yon think
you know better?” he asks, and this time, the
vole is more in his favor, which surprises—
and pleases—him.

What few people know is that Siskel and
Ebert were locked in serious competition for
years before they did their fost TV show. As
journalists for competing Chicago newspa-
pers, Ebert (Sun-Times) and Siskel (Vrib-
unc) spent six years trying to onlscoopr.
отћете and outelass each other before they
became a team. They are highly intelligent, al
times quich-wilted, yet they squawk and bic
over the most pelly matters, Only to them,
nothing is репу. They are men obsessed: with
movies, with themselves, with how they are.
perceived by others, with who is better, smarter,
funnier. And they are forever reviewing their
own performances.

When the meeting with the students con-
cludes, Siskel tells them, ГИ never have an-
other forum like [our show] m my life. I
fabulous.” And he positively glows when one
ember comes up to him afterward
re can you sland working with
Roger? Hex so opinionated.”

Irs jit that season, of course, that makes

“Siskel & Ebert” so watchable. While Siskel
will often try to explain himself, Ebert feels
there is nothing lo explain. He comes across as
sur and all-kuowing—an arogance that
can annoy some and be pure enjoyment to oth-
ers. When the two disagwe—which iswt as of-
len as most people think—it can make for
greal television.

Ebert was born in 1942 in Urbana, Illi-
uois. Siskel was born m 1946 in Chicago.
Ebert was a precocious only child: Siskel had
tivo older siblings and, after both parents died
as ten, the Ihrer Siskel children
ith ат aunt, an uncle and three
cousins. Ebert filled his imagination with
books: Siskel filled his with numbers, having
the ability to multiply at [our and to double
numbers up to 1,000,000 soon after Ву 15.
Ebert was a sportswriter for а local paper and
published a science-fiction magazine called
Stymie. Siskel attended military school and
was so juelgmental he was constanily grading
his own signature.

Ebert went to the Unrersity of Hinos,
where he edited јом an alternative paper and
then the college newspaper. He also jomed the
Campus Film Society, when he hegan his veri-
ous involvement with film. He went to gradu-
ate school at the University of Capetown in
South Africa for a year and at the University
of Chicago, but he never passed French or
Jinished his doctoral dissertation ou стих
Dwight MacDonald, Edmund Wilson aud
Paul Goodman. In 1966, at 24, he became à
general-assigument reporter at the Chica
Sui res and later ity movie critic. He also
reviews movies for Chicagos local ABC-TI
affiliate and teaches а film class at the Uni-

versity of Chicago's extension division

Siskel attended Yule, where he majored in
philosophy and planned to become a trial
lawyer: He won a public-affairs fellowship
and went to California to work on a political
campaign, then jomed the Army Reserve,
where he got into journalism. He was 25 in
1969 when he jomed the Chicago Tribune
as a neighborhood ness reporter, He was pr-
motel to reviewing films for the paper and
hired by Chicago's CBS-TV affiliate as the
movie critic on the local news.

ћи 1975, the local puhlie-TV station
teamed them for a show about movies, called
“Opening Soon at a Theater Near You.” That
died into “Sneak Previews,” which was
shown nationwide on PBS. The duo went
commercial in 1982 ith “At the Movies" and
followed that with “Siskel E Ebert & the
Movies,” which is now simply known us
“Siskel E Ebert.” The show is popular
enough to have spawned several anemic imi-
tators and influential enongh lo give the pair
real clout. Their thumbs up are worth more
than their combined body weight in gold, and
their thumbs dawn are feared and respected.

Both men still write for thew respective
newspapers and thei work is syndicated wide-

“They are men obsessed:

with movies, with them-

selves, with how they
are perceived by others,
with who is belter,

smarter, funnier.”

rho won a Pulitzer Prize in 1973,
“Roger Ebert's Move Home Com-
panion” each year and has also published a
collection of Ли movie-related essays CA Kiss
Is Still a Kiss”) and а journal ој the Cannes
Film Festival (Tivo Weeks m the Midday
Sun”). Siskel reports on the mone industry
for “CBS This Morning.”

Ebert is single and has homes in Chicago
and Michigan. Siskel is married and has twa
daughters, ages four and seven, and lives in
Chicago. To find ont whats on the winds of
America’s two mont popular fil critics and to
see if they like or hate each other, Playboy sent
Contributing Editor Lawrence Grobel
Gehose last interview was with Robert De
Niro) lo talk with them in Los Angeles and
Chicago. His report

“Each one warned me about the other
Roger saul Gene would never sit sill, would.
pace, make phone calls, shake his finger al me
every lime he made a point, tale fJonver to
make thal point ан be unable to tell a joke
without Mowing the punch line, Gene said
Roger would never ask me anything about
myself and would answer every question as if
he were the absolute authority, even though the
majority of his stories would. ‘he embellished.

“Sure enough, both men proved right. Gene
never did sit still—he would pare around the
room as he pointed his finger and took two
sentences where one would do. He tried to tell
one joke and, yes, ће blew the punch line
Roger did speak with a sureness of his own
convictions and he never did ask me about
myself. though m Chicago, he did get points by
asking те to autograph а copy ој ту book
“The Hustons."

“Of course, given the competitereness be-
tween the tivo. i wouldn't surprise me al all if
Gene, after reading this, picks up a copy ој
the book and sends it to me with an apology
for his oversight. Hell probably send a second
copy for me to sign for his wife. Roger and
Genes relationship is truly that competi
And that шау well ће the secret to their ex-
tranrdinary success.”

PLAYBOY: Do vou think a lot of people
who watch you think, These guys have
10 be an act: in real life, they're probably
best ||
EBERT:
show
transpl
PLAYBOY: You mean you really dislike
cach
EBERT: Sometimes we do really dislike
each other.

SISKEL: And sometimes we don't.

EBERT: And it differs Irom show to show,
and sometimes duri the show, С
most shows, we like each other. Some-
times during a show s will he
said that will make the h:
of the neck ci And
when that happens and wher
happen. Ir tured.
SISKEL: I don't think we would have bee
on the aii
ple we
some sort. When people ask m
is your relationship like?” the best а
swer ] can give what you sec. И
you see a little bit of dislike, there's prob-
ably a lot going on.

EBERT: In other words. it's probably more
intense.

irs on the back.

not manu

am act

Til tell you honestly d
like that is conscio
EBERT: My nature
times, especially
out the antagonistic in me,
PLAYBOY: What about when you're not
n TV, when vou're just hanging out al
er the shor
EBERT: We have decided that for the
good of the show, it's better for us to be
apart except when we're doing the show.
T dow еле discuss movies with Gene ex-
cept on ou
SISKEL: lh

nothing

stic a
^, who brings

show.
^s а very practical reason. |

was told t y newspaper a long

ume Il we
good

as it is or г

PLAYBOY: Doesnt everyone have iwo

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PLATERO Y

54

jobs—his own and criticizing movi
SISKEL: 1175 also said about sportswriters.
Were talking about popular culture,
and people feel free enough to comment.
EBERT: Everyone who goes to see a movie
certainly has an opinion about the
movie. H's esting: 1 would never
think to question our music critics re-
view. But he мош ил hesitate to come
and say, ^H think you were wrong about
the new Woody Allen picture” And why
ne as you're talking about your

as lo

own reaction? Which is all a critic really
does.
PLAYBOY: What qualities should a great

critic have?
SISKEL: In criticism. there is à €
or implied: having principles, holding to
them, measuring what you're. saying.
trying to be ге.
EBERT: A critic should be
pressing his own feelings, have a good
background in his subject matter, have
passion and love for the movies, be able
to write clearly and entertainingly and
have a great deal of stamina
PLAYBOY: How do vou stack up to such
criteria, Gene
SISKEL: As a critic, | try very h
exactly what 1 think. And in
which we are well-known for the bin:
ry thumbs up and thumbs down, I try to
be able 10 give the mixed review. But
mos pierres. fall imo that middle
ground, so I wrestle over which way my
thumb is going to turn. Is not flip.
EBERT: 1 actually respect Gene—he
extremely good, highly competent
skilled journalist. He's always on the
phone and he usually knows things, like.
Who's in town? When can I get to them
this without his finding out?
а praise his reporting, but
the question was about Gene as a critic
EBERT: To my way of thinking, he's la
ing in епи just a little bit
standoffish cold about the
novies, He thinks the movie is going
be shit, and if it is, that just confirms his
suspicions. 1 go to the movies anticipar
ing a good time. Gene goes fearing a bad
time. My glass is hall |
empty. These are two fundamentally dif-
ferent personalities at work, and they
reflect themselves in our reviewing,
SISKEL: Рус heard Roger say that before
and 1 don't believe it’s true. D want
movies to be good. Fd have to be a
masochist to want them to be bad. But il
> qo stop me any day and say,
"Gene, do you expect to see a good
ovie or a bad томе today?" I would
tell you Um expecting to sce a bad
movie. The reason is that most of the
movies I see are bad. Pm being practic
in telling you that most of the things tli
people create arent all th
and that’s too bad. What keeps me going
is that 1 have a strong desire to sec some-
thing great. And when | see
а long time.

EBERT: One ol the big diflerci

ceu

honest in ex-

d to say
medium

too

you wi

tween. Gene and me is in the arca ol
competence. Gene prides himsell on be-
ing incompetent when it comes 10 any-
thing technical, He actually becomes
retrograde, No human being alive has
1 more trouble with computers than
Gene Siskel has.
PLAYBOY: Is it as bad
sisket: 10% bad. Г памет
cessfully programed my УСК
EBERT: ПУ never successfully installed
swering m either.

SISKEL: Vhiu’s correct And I still write
with the same little computer that 1
learned on. In addition to not h
ural facility for it. 1 think 1 have a dis-

s he says?

ver suc-

achine

EBERT: What frustrates me is that Gene
could make life so much easier for I
self and save himself so much trouble il
he would get himself a Macintosh com
puter. But he doesn't want to make the
efor to save himself dhe effort,
PLAYBOY: Why dowi you buy him one?
EBERT: I'm not going to give him по Mac-
intosh as a present!
SISKEL: Beautifully elegant sentence.
EBERT: | think there's a streak of
masochism in it. IF vou look at Gene real
carefully, vowll find that he almost al-
ways finds a way to make things harder
for himself while saying that it makes it
casier, The story of Gene's life is just
stant Wail of computers that lost h
rclioning machi
in. clocks, I.
bad communica

а
file, та

For some reason, Roger has
need to prove to himself, and maybe to
the rest of the world, that he is better
than me in every single lacet of
not only as a film critic but аза h
being. He's like a dog with а bone
Tm the bone. The person he just 4
scribed sounds like a totally incompet
boob who would be lucky to be ci
ployed by anyone. The contrary
are that Гле been employed by th
Chicago Tribune Vor twenty-one years, by
WBBM-LY., which he refers to as Char
nel Two, for sixteen years and 1 have just
been hired fora job with CBS This Morn-
ing. Vve received offers from other peo-
ple of significant stature recently, And
Гуе done the show with Roger for
fifteen years. Um sure everybody has his
method, but 1 think Um a pretty good

m

acts

what

MI righi, С
Roger's strengths and weaknesses?
SISKEL: Roger is very good on story con-
struction, He can break the story down
with the genre. His other strength isal
he’s a beautiful writer, He writes
draft and its readable. printable. You
have to rework my copy: Em not a natu-
val that way.

A weakness of his is that somet
goes with the first draft too easily
thinking is a little glib, a little sloppy
EBERT: | produce twice as much work as

imes he

His

c thinks of me

he does. з lazy because
I make it easy for myself. He thinks of
himsell as a workaholic, but most of his
workaholism consists ӨГ spinning his
wheels. 1 review every major movi
the Sun-Times, and 1 have a piece in the
newspaper every Sunday. He does little
one-paragraph minireviews lor the Jih-
xd he has a piece in about once
month. ten four books. E teach
film class at the University of Chica
And yet he thinks that he works ha
than | do. Somehow, Gene th
means you're working harder if you ar-
range to work all night long. The ques-
tion ts not how hard vou work but how
much you produce, and Vin much more
productive than he is.

SISKEL: Rogers a furious worker. He's ап
elegant worker: But compulsive. 1 do not
view myself as a workaholic bur as I
cally lazy. 1 don't have the greatest work
ota natural, like him; Um
ger I have а set of re-

lor

une

Гуе wr

habits. Um
more of a рі

sponsibilities that Roger doesn't have,
and that's my family. IVs the sustaining

pleasure of my Ше. And il that means
that I can't work as much as he, СИ take
that deal any time.

PLAYBOY: Who's smarter?

SISKEL: Lihink Vm a little bit more intel-
lectually rigorous and a litle bit move
circumspect b, as he can be
Which is why. maybe, Um the better crit-
ic. 1 dort think Em any smarter about
movies. About oneself? E would say yes.
and 1 dont say that with bravado or par-
ticular pleasure, About Jile? Probably
not appreciably. And D suspect. that
Roger will say that he is smarter than I
am about every one of those things.
EBERT: People ask which one is the intel-
lectual and which one is the populist. My
answer is, Гуе got him surrounded. 1
am both more intellectual and more pop
ulist than he is. He is Mr. Middle of the

I'm not y

Road
SISKEL: Roger, lighten up. You've got a
eat mind—ean back, enjoy it. Pm no

threat 10 you, big guy. You know, if it
were true that 1 was as incompetent,
malfunctioning, as pedestrian as youre
claiming I am. I should be basically shot
PLAYBOY: Before this turns into a duel.
lers focus for a while on the movies
Why should we care about them?
SISKEL: For all kinds of reasons. They
have the potential to be one of the most
visceral art fi And the том d.
ic, not having a pretense around
that pushes people away. I think
sily
with your

then
that everybody can
them. Even i
you can have a private experience with a
film. 1 feel that Fm covering the nation-
al dream beat.

EBERT: Theyre the only art form th
records the way people look, move
speak in what approaches lifelike accu
racy. Imagine what it would be like il we
had movies from the Elizabethan peri-
od. Wouldn't you like t0 sec a British

н<!

уо! ише,

ilm from the Crimean War? Or an ad- his arm around me. You feel debonair, once down from his office in
venture set in India during the Raj? Fire You feel witty. Or you hear the piano LAL A woman gor on and saw who it
hundred years from non. the fact that and Cole Porter is playing. WS too лах, and she couldn't look at him a
these movies exist is going to be ineredi- much; John Wayne also had that effect She just stared at his tie. When we g
bly interesting 10 people on me. It has to do in part with what he the ground floor. as the door was с
SISKEL: Also, evervone that I talk to in represented, which was a hig movie star ing. Mitcham: said 10 her, “Thunder
all helds music, TV. wri they all when I was a little boy struck, or just like the ti
to make it in the movies, Writers EBERT: John Wayne was the first big star I PLAYBOY: What about younger stm
ger all gooey when their work is g interviewed. И was in Fort Ben- they have any effect on you.
be made into a movie. I learned that y Georgia, on the ser of The Green EBERT: I have also gone on record
liom Paul MeCartney when 1 was the Beris. Wayne came walking toward me this is > point berween us—as hav-
fist to tell him that Give My Regards o in full battle gear in Ihe hot. blazing great admiration for Katherine Her-
Broad Sheet was an awlul picture. He Georgia sun. stuck our his hand and rol And once when we were doing our
asked me. "What did vou think?” Meet said, "John Wayne"—the two. most su- show and we were reviewing a horror
ing MeCarmey was very exciting for me, — perfluous words in the English language film hat. she starred. in. in which 1
bur E said. “Well. vou never lied to us. Tat that point. He was a very funny thought she was very effective. Gene
can't lie to you. T ihoughi it was terrible. master. of the put-on. There was a said. “Instead of reviewing her movi
thing about it.” He was shocked. British journalist there whe was trving — why don't vou ask her to dinner?” Later.
T received а letter

w > По

OW,

eve
He
he almost

]
from Katherine

CONTROVERSY | Herrold saying that
she һай seen the

show and was very

BREWINGOVER GS
next time 1 was in

TOP DRAFT CHDICE ©

should have dinner

а
lass of orange juice
in my face. 1 said.
715 и true that the
movies are the
bigges thing, even
lor you?” He said,
Yeah.”

PLAYBOY: Why are
we all so star- n i
жуй? m „|| ] A
EBERT: Robert =. У

Mitchum was being
hounded by auto-
graph hunters and
he said to his wile,
“Why do they think
Fm such a big
deal?” And she an-

swered. “Because
they're smaller than | Fought got a big boost at the Budwei

your nostril.” And | Football League draft. |

that’. a We ‘have Their top draft choice: quarterback
this very lifelike. | Sensation Bud Drya, an All-Natural ath-
voyeuristic, escapist | lete who lettered in football, baseball,
experience involv- | track, swimming and golf at Yeast Texas
these da | State.

than-life — Beautiful Bud Dry could be the most refreshing
People who have | new player in the league. But signing him
been made up, cos- | may not be easy. His agent was heard to swered her lener
tumed. scripted comment, “If they want their beer, they're Because Siskel told
directed and pho- | gonna have to pay for it." Bud Bowl. 3 a — — me that it was from
ıphed to look | airs January 27 on ABC. Bud Light fans thirsty for a Bud Bowl victory | — him.

as attractive and | have chanted,“Why ask why? Sign Bud Dry. PLAYBOY: Would vou

“Testing as possi- have gone out with
Sale ———————— |

they carry some of that aura are gle thar Wayne was this SISKEL: Ol course he would have!
with them in everyday Ше. who was in ог of the ЕВЕВТ: Sure.
PLAYBOY: Which siars d, "What do you PLAYBOY: Who has been the easiest st
larger than lile by just being with them conduct ol the or flm maker to talk with?
SISKEL: ( лу thirterh birthday, in ne looked at him and said, “I EBERT: nis one of the casiest
1976, Cary € hi think that Nixon has conducted the war Tor me because he's so smart. Another
in Palm Spri He didwi know it was with honor, and there's only one thing
my birthday. I had done an interview beit 1 honor: inner,” vou tall with Mel Brooks for thirty min-
with him for the paper over two days. Robert Mitchum has also always — utes, you have thirty-five minutes of ma-
And it was fabulous. Лари ои. That was seemed bigger than lile te me, Once we terial as conversation and good
probably as much fun as Гуе ever һай и lost driving to a movie location in hui best in the business is
on an interview. We talked about LSD Penasvivania— Mitch was smoking Michael Caine. He is a true raconteur.
and other still. When и really хі pot the whole time—and we went back He is Jos of fun to be around. In terms
like that. vou believe vou re in the movie and Torth across the river several times. ol positive vibes and good feeling. Dolly
with them, He had а оте Mexican seeking help from people like snow- Panon actually has the
1 у plow ape roerybly knew ld associate: with
sand we went back and he pur Mitch. 1 was in an elevator. with. him

ether, 1 asked
il he had sc
me this letter as а
joke. and he said
ves. It was only two.
years baer thar 1
found out he had
nol sent me the le
[They laugh)
SISKEL You believed
me?

EBERT: Oh, ves. of
course I did.

SISKEL: | was very
clever. I guess.
EBERT: li turns out
that Katherine He
rold thinks Um
lyr

ide be-

extrem

cause | never an

am war, So he ~
E Nixon's

de von feel

ant invited me to j

e is Mel Brooks, whe is always on. И

теман id ће had a few too ma

PLAYBOY

56

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feeling beter. 1 dont know how she
does it, but 1 just walked out and it was
like Га been strapped to an ozone ma-
chine. Oddly enough. Gene has said the
same thi
SISKEL:

ah, she's a delightful person
Another interview that 1 liked was Meryl
Streep. 1 asked her on camera in a live-
television vil she could teach me
T said, Vll s;

hing abou

ind vou criti
love vou, Meryl,” and she said,
wrong.” | said. "Why?" She said. "Be-
cause when you said ‘I love yow to me
you were thinking
saying ‘love you.’ You were presenting
it to me. In a real acting situation, and in
il you re saving “I love you to
you're not thinking about how
youre saying 7T love you. In that mo-
ment, you're thinking about one thin

Do they love you s where the cen-
ter of your energy should be.” That is a

about how vou were

tors and.

10 get bet-

they've said you
ter advice than
ing the truth «

€ not
—thi
the moment

ve to understand that onc

ail strengths as an interview-
s telling people what h ks. Us
g When he had Tom Cruise
thannel Iwo, he told Cruise all
about how he, Gene Siskel, felt the hrst
time he met John Wayne. 1 congratuku-
ed him, I said, that was a fabu-
lous interview Tom Cruise had with you,
in which he got you to talk about your
relationship with John Wayı
PLAYBOY: Speaking of Cruise—is he the
biggest star today?
SISKEL: Ri
about as hot as a

Tom Cruise is just
ybody in the movie

business. 1 saw it at the Oscars Last ye
With fifteen minutes t y hig st
ni

was in, and no on

one

маг hadni arrived
fans, the press, everyone
Jor Cruise. It was Гама
When 1 did that TV interview, there
were a hundred fifty people standing
around, watching him. I hadnt seen
anything like it in along, long time.
EBERT: lom Cruise is the biggest star in
America today, but we seem to inllale
him into the greatest actor m history m
order to get him onto the covers ol mag-
rly bored. by celebrity
а celebrities are devoid of
ost. Who wants to read a [lengthy]
iew with Tom Cruise? 1 dow t—
Lite is too short to
want to know about Bruce Willis.
PLAYBOY: So besides yourselves, who has
the business?

SISKEL: Гин sure Из a sixtyway tie
EBERT: When you хау, “Who has the
hi there's an implicit criti-

AVS,

tually asking who's the
1 would say that the

but I would want that to be heard as
praise. He has а very highly developed
sense of sell, of who he is; what he thinks
and what he cires about. Hes one of the
most impressive people Гуе ever met
Woody Allen has an extremely well-de-
veloped and healthy ego. That does not
it doesn't D
he

hes conceited:
he's insullerable. t just means th
takes himself seriously, and he should

In terms of dynamic energy and infec
tious enthusiasm. very Tew people are
the match of Martin Scorsese. | gave
him his first print review. Iwas his first
film. Who's That Knocking at My Don? 1
said. “In ten years, hel be the American
Fellini” Well, of course. that was wrong,
because there's nothing similar between
Scorsese and Felli

mean

PLAYBOY: You'd recommend an actress
permanently alter her face so certain
critics might like her better?

SISKEL: 1 believe that somebody can be
cast wrong physically. Thats really the
nut of what Simon's saying. and that's
what I subscribe to: that somebody can

be physically wrong for a part.
EBERT: His contention is that if we are be-
ing asked 10 pay money to look at some
one, we have the right то say why we
dort want to look at him. A certain
mount ol tact is necessary. 1 dont think
1 would mention Streisand’s nose i
print any more than I would mention it
to her in person. | generally feel thi
what makes people interesting is the
spirit that shines through

bei adless. Anybody who's engaged
in negotiations with him finally tells him
things like, “TI do anything vou want if
you'll just stop calling me.” It must be
said that Gene lobbied furiously to win
and that I would have placed first if i

легі been for Gene's telephone calls to

ication

Now I think Гус figured out
what the trigger may have been for
Rogers wild overstatemens of every-

thing about me, Whats been bothe:
him is that Spy magazine thi
EBERT: What Gene can't figure out is
that, despite all of his ellorts, 1 always
n to wind up on top. Fm smarter,
т. Um a better wri Vm a better

fun
talker, Pim better on television. Its just
ng. For all

astonish

ni. But he called me
up and said. “Geez,
think ds
take that

do you
gonna
long?

PLAYBOY: The critic
John Simon savs,
“Without criticism.
the artist receives
no serious answer
Di
а serious answer?

EBERT: Some do,
some don't 1 still
believe that the crit-
ic primarily writes
Tor other people in-
terested in the same
art form. The proof
of that is that much

s an artist ne

of the great criti-
cism has been writ-
ten about people
who are dead

field.

Samuel Johnson

was certainly nor
hoping to help st
Shakespeare when | the BIEL. “Devel
he did his edition ze yea

of — Shakespeare's | Stein said.

plays. But what he
was Irving to do was
bring Shakespeare's
plays to his contem-

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Now.
Газ sure that Gene
would be happy 10
sell you that he's
smarter, that he's a
better crite, that
he's better on tele-
vision

PLAYBO
much power

think

of his efforts.

Gene,

how
do you
wield?
SISKEL:
the Spy zine
thing and because
people are now
brmging it up to
me, Fm a little bit
more aware of it
than 1 have been in
the past. I live in
Chicago. 1 work
in Chicago. I don't
travel that much, so
Um not in the
dia

you

Because of

me-
centers of the
where I
would hi more
about my power. So
Г havent been all
that aware of in. E
guess that we can
sell a considerable
number of tickets

country

poraries and t0
reimterpret him.
Thats what a critic cam do,

SISKEL: I think that it can be healthy.
PLAYBOY: Simon often takes ollt
what looks like, He |
known to criticize Streisand because of
her nose, Es that healthy criticism?
SISKEL: Fin one ol hi
Here's why
ies. They'll always tell you that's their in-
strument. OR. IF that instrument is
distracting to you, 1 think you do have
an obligation to report it

PLAYBOY: But Barbra Streisand can't do
nvihing about her nose

SISKEL: We all know that they can do
nything they want these days. You can
cut down a nose.

в act s been

few defenders.

These actors use their bos

PLAYBOY: Spy magazine recently said t
you were the two most powerful movi
crities in the country, and that Siskel was

the powerhouse of the two of you. Did
that bother you, Reger?
EBERT: That was all tongue in check

their criteria for judgment were con
pletely silly and gooly—which everyone
will agree to. In other words, the artide
is completely meaningless. Besides,
Gene wanted to win. I don't care, really,
except 1 do care, because he always
manages to manipulate these guys. He
gets some writer from Spy magazine and
talks to him until the guy will do any-
thing to make him stop talking. Gene's
telephone conver

ions are famous for

= and possibly pre-
vent as many peo-
ple from going to see a film. When I go
out 10 LA. I get treated preny well by
these people, and that’s why E should
get home quick. I don't need any more
power, and I don't need

ay more mon-
ey I don't need any more fame. And 1
know who's really big, and Fm not.
PLAYBOY: You two have been parodied in
movies such as Hollywood Shuffle, Summer
School and Back to the Beach. Whats in like
being the brunt of the joke?

EBERT: Well. the most amazing parody,
the one that had Gene and myself pick-
ing our jaws up off the floor, was Danny
Thomas and Bob Hope doin
ofthe Bob Hope specials. Eme:
you graw up with Bob Hope, it’s like if

is on one

n, when

57

PLAYBOY

58

we were 10 look up at Mount Rush-
more and there were two more guys
up there, and it was Siskel and Ebert.
Bob Hope and Danny Thomas! It was

EBERT: It was stupendous! It was amaz
g So that was a | ini. Anoth
T i
rized in Mad magazine, because we g
up with й. You know you've arrived
Май magazine does a parody of

How much ef a landmark was
it to ir on The Tonight Show
EBERT: | would have to be on The Tonight
many times before I would
y interviewed

Show a gre
get ever the shock of bei
by Johnny Carson

SISKEL: When were behind the с
for one of these things. partical
the €

ly with
son show. we will often say we
should be watching the show. When 1 saw

Johnny walk through the door—it was a
jaw drop for me
EBERT: Belore 1 saw Johnny, I saw Ed
McMahon and Doc Severinson and my
knees were already jelly. Then the band
started to play. I was thinking. Gel me
оша here! We were so frightened. There's
even a picture of us holding о h
other. 1 was saying, “Gene, we're a cou-
ple of Midwestern boys who belong back
in the Midwest.” There was no way that
we belonged on the Johnny Carson
show, We were way out of our depth,
SISKEL: 1 did all of the hick things in con-
nection with that show. I took a picture
sitting in Johnny's chair after the show
1 took a picture with my
and

we

was
‹
my wile

over

tighter sitting in Johnny's chai
id 1
a cue card Tor one of Carson
PLAYBOY: Since cveryili
is so overly analyzed, how are you feel-
ing right now about cach other?

EBERT: 115 just maddening sometimes to
work with € Ht think that ће
probably is kind of tired of working with
ME on occasion, too.

SISKEL: I've felt estranged from Roger in
the past month or two. On our scale of
geting along or not getting along. I feel
we've been drifting apart a bit.

PLAYBOY: like ir or not
ked like Siamese twins. What are your
being known as

the guests. Look hi
jokes.

ag between vou

von two are

about

very proud ol 1 TI

Ebert, 1 really, really, really
es that seem to link us to-
Ives of onc opinion. Aud
Tam at pains to suggest that the Siskel &
Ebert program is something that | do
once a week with Gene, and 1 come to
the show a
act with him for half an hoy
two of us are not in any w
form a critical team.

The othe

a complete entity and inter-
- But the

thi ple seem to th
Siskel, and Siskel c

ms that nobody ever

thinks that he's Eben. I think he's lying:
L think he does it to push my buttons. 1
think he must occasionally be called
Ebert by somebody. People call me Siskel
atleast hall of the time. Ws the deal with
the Devik "The
to make you famous, The bad news is,
nobody will know who you are.”
sISKEL: [doesn't bother

ic il somebody

is that that would mean somethin
Тат. That a perfect stranger didnt
know his name? Or got conlused? These
are not issues to be annoyed over. 1 feel
Vm secure in my own identity as a critic
and. T don't try to reach middle posi-
tien with Rc t any time, At the same
time, [ ze that the power Гуе
been give dependently and
have a resonance, and to be sought out
for opinion, is due not e y—and not
even Пау, if you will—to the fact that
we work together.

PLAYBOY: But together. youre much
vore. powerful. Do you think that we
would be sitting here talking with yon if
you were not a team?

SISKEL: Хо, you wouldn't be.
al good fix on what the situa
tion is. It doesn't in any way diminish me
if people view me as part of a program.
les enhanced me. And every week, I sep-
arate myself from him: 1 have no prob-
lem with that.

One of the things that get me is
usually quoted as “lwo
unbs up!" I liked it better before we
had the thumbs. Then. at least. vou w
llowed to have an opinie
р a hilari
Its almost as if the two of
jack

reco;

to act

have a re

were

are little

the-bowes and all we can say is
“Two thumbs upt—

5 Do vou pay much atte
your reviews being quoted in ads?

1 don't care whether Um quoted
lo sec ib I

ion to

SISKEL: | doni have to ever sec my name
n an ad again. Is embarrassing. When
T saw the size of type that they used in
Die Hard 2. Uthought. Gulp!

low often do you feel ambiv
giving a film a thumbs up or a
thumbs downz

EBERT: We have plenty of reviews that
round the middle. You just
have 10 jump one way or the other be-
сайм of this idiotic business of bein
able to vote only thumbs up or thumbs
down. Ed like to give a sideways thumb

somewhe

most influenced you?
SISKEL: Hin of the age that Pauline Kael
and Andrew Sarris had a big influence
y file, Kael with her enthusiasm
ion to detail and finding the

y derail по illustrate the point
is for his Americanization of
the andere theory and. giving these film

ic

directors their due as artists and as au-
thors. Of the people who are working
now, theyre the ones who have to get

the lion's share of the credit
Гуе always be

big fan of
Kaulman

her. 1 don 1 other critics
is; E read them for their

lor their opi
style and for what they sec in a movie. 1

dont read Genes reviews, because I
don’t want to know anything about his
opinion of a томе belore we tape the
show. I don't want to know what he's
said before.
PLAYBOY: H:

© studios or directors ever

given you scripts to read?
EBERT: 1 won't read them. I have a form
lener, A film critic is the last predator

the food chain. He should review the
ovie after its made; ће shouldirt be
rewriting it before it's been sold

PLAYBOY: Roger, you spent your time far-
ther down the food chain when vou
wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls tor di-
rector Russ Meyer in 1969. And you've

been very critical of Twentieth Century

Fox for the way it handled the film.
right?
EBERT: Fos just wants to dissociate insel!

from that film. 1 mean, any studio th.
would make The Adventures of Fond Fair-
dane and docsit want to acknowledge
Beyond the Valley of ihe Dolls is badly con-
fused. Ford Kurlane is а tailed attempt to
deal with some of the same material
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. which
camp rock-and-roll horror exploitati
musical. Still. из the movie that wor
die. Ir could be as successful as The Rocky
Horror Picture Show it Fox got behind it
and showed it at midnight

PLAYBOY: How much did you get paid?
EBERT: Filicen thousand doll, Preity
good in 1969. Pye written about five or
six sereenplays for Russ. Beneath the Val
ley of the Ultravisens was the only other
one produced. He's got a screenplay
that he's irving to sell right now that I
wrote in 1976 called Up the Valley of the
Beyond. Only now there's a conflict issuc
involved. The way I handled it was to
never review any other. Russ Meyer
movie alter лед. Ns 1 became a nati
al ilm eritie, 1 u of the sereenplay
{don't believe that a

film critic has any business having his
screen] the desks ar the studios.
PLAYBOY: Well. Gene, here's your

ice: Want to review Rogers movi
SISKEL | haven't seen Beyond the Valley of
the Dolls in twenty years. Lthought it was
gratunously violent, And it didn't make
me laugh. Somebody sticks a gun i
somebody's Lol linked
sex and vi articular dy
healthy way. I thought i was distasteful,
That was my reaction te it. I gave it a

Hy sensational.

Even today
PLAYBOY: Dwight Масу
a filin critic when he feli that

stop beir

«lv re:
most ev-
of vou

as the vears go by. one has
viewed. under another ttle,
ery new [ilm one sees.” Has
gotten dose to that point ve
EBERT: Гус never been bored with the
job. but Eve always feli there has to be a
finite length of time that I want tà
и ту buy

he

ess 10 process every m
commercial movie in the world,
SISKEL: Din sull as enthusiastic
mo S 1 лах twenty-one years al
Ihe Lones will ler you run throu
bad ones lor a long time. When 1 saw a
picture like Do the Right Thing, V was sull
going to sce it a year later, That picture
had about five months of active Ме in
ad. Die Hard 2 was another. | sat
Het

PLAYBOY: You ofien

about

Journalists will стар on cach other in
bars. in restaurants, 10 their col-
leagues—but they won't lace their com-
petition in any real way. We do, and
you've got to learn from that

PLAYBOY: Did you know cach other be-
Tore von started doing a show togetherz
EBERT: We had had по meaninghul con-
versation on any subject.

SISKEL: We had just sort of glancingly ob.
served cach other The fact is chat there
was only one guy who could really hurt
me professionally other than myself, and
that was Roger, because he could beat
me on a story. Or write a bener review.

Roger is the guy I feared the most
PLAYBOY: Have you ever critiqued your
show?

movie. Think we should do that 1
would like to sec a show devoted to one
film. We did ita

mld
1 detailed
on a hule
not make it so snappy. Let it get
uncomfortable
ometrimes we're criticized for not
high-level. in-depth film criti-
sm. And that’s ruc, we are nota high-
level, in-depth filim-criticisin show. This
is two people talking about the movies
But we have a lot of younger viewers
who watch the show. and it seems to me
that what we're telling them every week
is that there are standards and th

bring ad Do the
Right Thing, Gene.
What is i about
that film that so
aptivated your

SISKEL: | partic
Iv мау impressed

with it in the year
ihat Drreing
Daisy, а
legedly abc
s, was the most
fim of
1 wanted
10 му но, по,
no; look over here —
and youll а p р
beautitully ade U
film that’ uch
more те
magazine a

cover story called
"Race: the Issue.” It
was referring to the
mayoral cam]
ob David Dinkins
id Ed Koch. But 1
that
ment—"Race is the

Du

believe state

in Bud Bowl 3."

issue—applies to
all of America at all
times. Race is really
the issue, and we

on ABC.

will be judged on
how we handle the

He was once the toast of the town. But
Bud Lights signal caller Budway Joe may
have thrown his last spiral.

g practice for Bud Bowl: 3,
Budway Joe limped off the field. Team
doctor Bud Sidemanner issued this
statement: “Budway Joe has injured his
glassius maximus. He will not see action

“Maybe ГЇЇ become an announcer,”
said Budway Joe. “They can always use
another pretty face in the broadcast
booth." Watch Bud Bowl 3, January 27

ATE

BUDWAY JOE TO
HANG UP LABEL?

When injury struck, Budway Joe was leading |
the league 11105, completions and: coolness. |

vour job to make up your own
abom what you
think of a movie

У ОК to have ап
opinion: из OK to

disagree with some-
one.

PLAYBOY: Do you
think most people
are watching vou
because of your
opinions or because

of the potential for
watching two pe
ple argue with each
other on television
EBERT: We cdi
gue that much

‘SISKEL: And we
dont disagree 10 be
disagreeable. We
probably agree sev-

саму percent of the
ime,

EBERT: 111 tell vou
where 1 think p

tion on
In the early «

of television. there
were. open-ended
talk shows with

people like David

тиса issue in this

country, To me, Do the Right Thing is the
picture that best reflects and illuminates
the i

PLAYBOY: Lers talk Ebert
Whar bas kept it fresh over the years?
EBERT: 1 1 gonen
bored with doing it and that we are still
highly attuned 10 cach other's opinions.
IE Gene disagrees with me, Drake it per-
sonally, and vice versa. We are still very
competitive. We know how to push cach
hers buttons in such a wav that there
a real feeling of risk when we're tap-
ing. For both of us.

SISKEL: We're in a profession where a lot
of people donit confront. competition.

fact that we have

EBERT: Today, if 1 look back on tapes of
the early shows, I find in starthng that
Gene and T agreed. to work with a
tained dos. And 1 find it even me
that we Later agreed 10 substi-

ed skunk

1 decl that some
d in such a way that I could
work on TV with а dog E
skunk. And even at ihe time, Ge !
used to ask each other. “Do you think
line Kael would appear on television
with a trained animal?

Eve asked Warren Beatty and
Steven Spielberg what they would do to
improve our show. Both of them said
that they would spend more time on a

Sy

—) Suskind, liv Kup-
== inet and others on
which people who disagreed with each
other came on the air and fought. Then,
for a long time, that disappeared. and
there way all this blandness. Now yon
have some confrontational stull on TV
especially on some of the cable stations.
Bur still, bi

onc on a po
agreer
PLAYBOY: [s a movie on TV silla movi
seeing. televisie
when vou watch a movie on TV. not a
movie. The thing that is so wonderful
about film and made such a big i
sion on те as a kid is the scale. You
Know all the theories: You стег the
dreamlike state: the light comes Trom

pres-

(©1990 Volkswagen

O AB Ah, the stuff that dreams are made ol.

Tight curves, steep hills and endless winding raads.
In some cars this would be a nightmare.

But in а Vakswogen Jetta you'll feel what it's like

O ta be in control. Because the Jetta has 4-wheel

independent suspension to help smooth out the

roughest гаса. And a track-correcting reor axle

thot will help hold onto even unruly curves. It
ako comes equipped with power rack
and-pinion steering and power front
disc brokes because every road
comes equipped with surprises.

And af course, every Jetta, like every
Volkswagen, has Fahrvergnügen” (Which loosely

translated meons: "it's my turn to drivel") And

what mare could you >
ТНЕ 1991 ЈЕТТА
FAHRVERGNÜGEN. IT'S WHAT MAKES A CAR A VOLKSWAGEN

For details, coll 1-800-444-VWUS. [Seatbelts save lives. Don't dank and drive:

behind your head; you surrender to the
image; you're pulled around like in a
dream. It’s just the opposite of home
video, where you're, in effect, the pro-
jectionist. You run the movie, you con-
trol the lights.

EBERT: The bigger the screen, the better
the sound, the better the experience.
SISKEL: The shoe-box theaters really hurt
the movies. Younger audiences see
movies as enlarged TV, so they won't de-
mand that the movies be that much dif-
ferent from TV. They won't know the
difference and it will all fall into the
main slop bucket of entertainment.
PLAYBOY: Roger, you won a Pulitzer
Prize. Whar did that mean to you?
EBERT: It relieved me a great deal, be-
cause two years carlier, Ron Powers, the
Sun-Times TV critic, won the Pulitzer. So
I spent twenty-four months in suicidal
depression before I won it myself. I
don't bring up my Pulitzer on the show
very often, because I'm sure it's con-
stantly on Gene's mind.

PLAYBOY: Cene, are you envious?

SISKEL: Of course. I would have loved to
win one. My editors entered me a num-
ber of times and I didn’t win. At the time
Roger won his, we were in such a binary
competition that it hurt.

PLAYBOY: We know that your competi-
tion is intense. How do you handle it?
SISKEL: Once, we were doing Saturday
Night Live for the first time. We were
both pretty scared. It was live television.
The rehearsal had gone badly. We had
never worked off cue cards. We were
blowing it left and right. It was just hu-
miliating. Then it came time to cut lines.
We got into a situation where Roger was
counting lines and saying, "You have
mote lines than I do.” I began belching
nervously. We were hostile and felt we
were both going to go down in flames.
We did the show, and we did OK.

EBERT: The key thing you have to re-
member about Gene is that in situations
involving fear, his defense mechanism
involves anger. Before live audiences, he
becomes extremely rigid and abrupt.
We were in a room with a typewriter,
and Gene grew concerned that the cuts
would diminish his role. I started count-
ing words to prove to him that that was
not the case. He went ballistic. So by the
time we went on the air, we were both
complete basket cases.

SISKEL: What about your behavior dur-
ing this? You described my behavior, but
what about your own?

EBERT: ] was the one with the typewriter
who was writing the script. Gene was
stalking around dictating. I just couldn't
reason with him. It happened most re-
cently the last time we were on the
Arsenio Hall Show. Gene was told by some
functionary what we were supposed to
do. Later, the executive producer gave

us different instructions. When I tried to
inform Gene, he said that he already
knew exactly what he was supposed to
do. Then, when I tried to say “No,
Gene, it's been changed,” he said, “Very
well, do whatever you want,” and he
clammed up. That is what he often does.
There’s enormous tension before we go
out, which leaves me uptight, and once
we get on the air, he's relaxed. My way to
deal with this is to have no contact with
him whatsoever until we go out to do
such a show. I absolutely don't want to
see him or talk to him, because then I
won't get any of the bad vibes.

PLAYBOY: What was the all-time low in
your relationship for each of you?
SISKEL: Roger taught me a rummy game
on an airplane once. It involved a dis-
card pile and a meld pile. As soon as he
taught me the game, I began beating
him regularly. At one point, he thought
that I had discarded something when I
had just conveniently put something
down on the little plastic tables they
have on airplanes. It became such a big
deal with him. He starts raising his
voice: "Im never playing with you
again!” and he throws the table up. I was
in shock. The stakes we were playing for
were pennies. That was an all-time low,
because it was so trivial.

EBERT: I'll give you one of my examples:
We were once on the Letterman show.
Letterman said, “We'll give you а limou-
sine and we'll bring you from the airport
to the studio. We'll tape the show and
we'll take you back to the airport.” This
is fine with me. Gene is immediately
thinking, Maybe I could go to this art
gallery while I'm here. So he goes up-
stairs at Letterman and says, “Can you ar-
range another limousine?” They say yes.
We go back downstairs. The origina
limousine is still waiting. The second
limousine has not arrived. Gene gets in-
to it and tells the driver to take him to
the art gallery. I'm standing in the mid-
dle of the street, trying to block the
limousine and saying, “Look, 1 didn't
change any plans. I want to goto the air-
port. You're the guy who changed your
plans, wait for your limousine.” Gene's
response to that was to roll up the elec-
tric windows and tell the guy to drive
off. The second limousine never arrived
and I took a taxi to the airport.
PLAYBOY: Did you confront Gene about it?
EBERT: Oh, God, I'm still talking about it
now, and that was eight years ago! Oh, I
talk to him. He will not respond. He just
goes into the stone-faced routine. Gene's
response to criticism is silence and deaf-
ness. He has often said that when we get
mad, I explode and he implodes. The
madder I am, the louder | get: the mad-
der he is, the quieter he gets.

sisket: [Laughs] Jesus Christ! My recol-
lection is that I had a limited amount of

time to get where I was going. I had
been told to take that limousine, and
they were ordering another limousine
for Roger. There was time for him to
make it to the airport. I think that’s a
fact he left out. I felt under duress, be-
cause he was getting angry, When he
gets angry, it can be very unpleasant. It's
easier to cave in when he throws a
tantrum. I guess that day I felt I'd had
enough of being bullied. I just didn’t
feel like caving in. I wasn't gleeful when
1 did it. 1 felt bad doing it. Roger's had
people give in to him all his life. He's a
tyrant all the time, with everybody. I’m
one of the few people in this world who
can stand up to him, and that must frus-
trate him terribly. Terribly. The story is
interesting in that you're dealing with
someone who always got his way, as op-
posed to me, who grew up ina big fami-
ly and didn't always get his way. 1 think
I'm the sibling he never had. The best
definition I've seen of our relationship is
that it's a sibling rivalry and we both
think we’re the smarter older brother.
EBERT: You've talked with both of us for
hours. Which of us do you think has a
greater need to always be right?
PLAYBOY: To be diplomatic about this, we
would say that perhaps Gene wants to be
right more but that you think you are
right more. You don't have the need to be.
EBERT; I have more innate confidence in
the fact that 1 am right. I just assume I'm
right, partially out of conviction and
Partially as a pose, because it drives
Gene up the wall.
PLAYBOY: After all these years, Roger,
have you changed to outmaneuver Gene?
EBERT: Yeah. I think I was a sweeter and
more trusting guy earlier on. I always
feel that Gene is thinking of the angle, so
1 have to think of the angle, too. And I
always feel like 1 lose. He always gets the
angle on me. He gets the limousine.
PLAYBOY: But you got the Pulitzer Prize.
EBERT: Yeah. That's my only consolation.
PLAYBOY: And he gets Spy magazine.
EBERT: He manipulated Spy magazine.
PLAYBOY: Before we start ¿hat again, let's
go back to your childhoods and see if we
can get to the bottom of this bickering.
EBERT: Maybe in Gene's life, he had too
many people telling him when to shut
up. A lot of his behavior may come out
of military school.
PLAYBOY: Let's go back even further,
Gene. You were probably too young to
have many memories of your father, but
do you remember being told of your
mother's death?
SISKEL: I was told, apparently, while I
was watching a baseball game—and I
denied it. It didn't register. I thought
she was still alive for a significant time
after she was dead. I couldn’t handle it,
obviously. I used to pray for her to get
(continued on page 70)

61

Harry (anniek, >
Gets the

IG BREA

is the funky white boy from new orleans going to save
jazz, or is jazz going to save him?

N THE рамат that nobody goes there anymore, it's too
crowded, Harry Connick, Jr, the rear-guard jazz pianist and—le mot
јиче—сгоопет, has become so celebrated that some people have started
w resent Шш. He is, to be эше, young (29), white, talented and suc-
cessful—all offensive qualities. He also comes from New Orleans, a city
with many musical heroes, most of whom suffered from lack of world-
ly acclaim. But he can't help where he's from or what he is, and al-
though he may seem to have come a long way in a short time, all he has
gained is a chance at life in the music business, which is no assurance of
anything. Clearly, Connick knows how to wear a suit and tie a necktie;
he has the right heroes—Eubie Blake, Errol Garner, Thelonious
Monk, James Booker, Ellis Marsalis; he can sing in tune; and he pos-
sesses considerable piano technique. He comes on the scene at a time
when the accepted convention is for young middle-class white men to
mimic performers who are poor, old and black. It may seem odd that
someone devotes himself to a kind of music—stride piano—supposed-
ly dead before he was born, but it is, in fact, a lot less strange for Con-
nick to emulate Hoagy Carmichael than for Eric Clapton to emulate
Robert Johnson. It’s just that, in the current cultural context, when
someone behaves as if Bob Dylan had never existed, people wonder
what it means.

One thing it means is that because of Connick, people who might
not otherwise will hear songs that employ more than three chords,
with lyrics in Standard English, songs by men such as Cole Porter and
the Gershwins. It is true that Connick as a singer may not be the equal
of Frank Sinatra or Tony Bennett, but he plays piano better than ei-
ther. If he suffers by comparison with Nat Cole, so does everybody else.

The question is not whether Connick can make the world safe for

article By Stanley Booth

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY

63

PLAYBOY

64

jazz but whether jazz can make the
world safe for Connick. Looking at
him, it’s hard not to recall the lost
promise of performers such as Johnny
Mathis and Barbra Streisand, who
seemed in their early careers to possess
the individuality of jazz artists but
whose music became less interesting as
it became more popular. The time to
dislike Connick will be when he sells
his talent short. It seems likely chat he
will have the popular support to do
original work if he has it in him. For
now, he is, as music writer Chris Al-
bertson called him, “an artist of im-
mense promise.”

Anyone wondering what it would be
like if H. С. Wells's ime machine actu-
ally existed had but to buy a ticket last
fall to Connick's big-band concert tour.
From Connick’s opening notes—
“Shoo, fly, don't bother me"—to his
final scat-singing solo, he taxed listen-
ers’ ears with nothing more modern
than mid-Fifties Monk. At times, the
Harry Connick, Jr, Orchestra—a
dozen horns, plus rhythm section—
sounded like Duke Ellington's Wash-
ingtonians of the Twenties. Connick
performed songs associated with Frank
Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Nat Cole, Fred
Astaire—all of whom had done them
better, but not lately.

Connick's audiences, contrary to the
tradition of the past 20-odd years, are
not redolent of marijuana. They dress
Republican and consist of older people
grateful for a chance to hear their kind
of music and young folk who, having
never heard or seen anything like it,
respond to itas a novelty.

At a Connick concert, the lights go
up to reveal the band, all in dark suits,
neckties and short haircuts, playing a
brief fanfare. Then the clean-cut Con-
nick, in blue blazer (belted back), gray
slacks, black loafers and white open-
collar shirt, snaps his fingers, ex-
changes musical jokes with black
drummer Shannon Powell, his friend
of 16 years, and has a fine time doing
such songs as the 66-year-old lt Had to
Be You, the mainstay tune of his score
for When Harry Met Sally... , which has
spent more than a year on the charts.

“I had never heard anything as orig-
inal and inventive,” said Rob Reiner,
the film's director, of Connick's music.
“The fact that he was only twenty-one
was astounding.”

Success seems to have brought Con-
nick a rare degree of artistic freedom.
Columbia Records spokesman Arthur
Levy said, “We don't have much to say
about what he does. When an artist
sells seven hundred fifty thousand
units, thank God, especially a jazz

artist, he attains a stature over which
the record company has very little
influence.” So enthusiastic is Columbia
about Connick that it has taken to re-
leasing albums by him two at a time,
most recently a big-band vocal album
and a piano-jazz-trio record that, with
the movie sound track, bring his cata-
log total to five unusually popular col-
lections.

Jazz has suffered so much abuse in
the past 50 years the miracle is that it
exists at all. Once, listening to Billie
Holiday sing with a small Teddy Wil-
son group of the Thirties, Jim Dickin-
son, the Memphis record producer
and pianist who has recorded with ev-
eryone from Sam Phillips to the
Rolling Stones to the Replacements,
said, “They had music so nice—why'd
they have to go and change it?”

Someone once said that New Or-
leans was not one of the southernmost
cities in the United States but one of
the northernmost cities of Guatemala.
A New Orleans man was shot recently
over a plate of macaroni. It is, whatev-
er else, a city, as the travelog cliché
goes, of contrasts: political conserv-
atism, music, parades. Connick is the
product of a prominent Irish Catholic
family, his mother a judge who died
when he was 13, his father a music
lover who last October was re-elected
city D.A, a post he has held for 15
years. Connick’s background is the
stuff of romance: His parents met in
Casablanca, where she was taking the
grand tour and he, a journalist, was
studying bullfighting. Later, the music-
loving Connicks sent themselves to law
school with the proceeds from a couple
of record stores they owned in New
Orleans. There are home movies of
nine-year-old Junior playing with 93-
year-old Eubie Blake.

From the time he was 13 until he
graduated from high school and went
to New York City, Connick studied
with pianist Ellis Marsalis, father of
musical progeny Wynton, Branford
and Delfeayo. Branford, seven years
Connick's senior, says that “Harry
Connick can go in any direction he
feels like. That's how good he is. It's
not technique. Technique is bullshit.
It's half the battle. He's one of those
rare people who can hear music and
internalize it, whatever it is. Harry has
it all. He's genuinely funny, six fect two
and handsome as hell. The two things
that most of his audience will never
know about him is how funny he really
is and how great a musician he is. Be-
cause the thing that has made him suc-
cessful doesn't really highlight his
musical ability. Pick any style—stride,

modern—he can play all of them. I
can't say enough about him as a musi-
cian. He doesn't know himself how
good a musician he is.”

Legendary New Orleans pianist Mac
Rebennack, alias Dr. John, who record-
ed a track and a video with Connick,
says he “got to hear him play in a cou-
ple of settin's, and I was real im-
pressed. 1 liked that he was takin’ stuff
his own way—he’d play some real New
Orleans stuff, some Monk stuff, some
Ellington stuff, and he does ‘em good.
He tickled me, ‘cause on the tune we
did together, he snuck in some James
Booker stuff with his left hand. I think
that’s beautiful that he can mix in some
stuff from Monk or Booker, different
cats that's unrelatable, in a way, but he
can draw ‘em together.

“TI tell you something James Book-
er told me, and that is, you draw offa
all the guys you can and you put ‘em
together and that's how you find your-
self. I really believe that's what Harry's
doin’. And I think he finds hisself here
and there, ‘cause every now and then,
I hear somethin’ come out of him that
ain’t from them other cats, and maybe
it's from some cat I ain't heard, but I
got a feelin’ that’s just Harry's stuff."

Connick, like the members of his
band, seems to have grown up in a
refined environment where babies are
taught to love Lester Young. It does
seem odd, though, that except for a
few recent compositions—"Here's a
song I wrote with my uncle when I was
fourteen"—the whole big-band set
could have been done by Bobby Darin
25 years ago. No shadow of Ornette
Coleman, John Coltrane or—God for-
bid—Jimi Hendrix penetrates this
blue-blazered realm. “I like a Zeppelin
tune,” Connick sang in How About You,
and for a moment, one could see the
similarity between him and Zeppelin-
era Jimmy Page, both young players
incapable of reaching the depths of the
music that fascinated them. It was rev-
elatory of a couple of things, one being
the goodness of Connick’s heart, that
the high point of his concert in Hous-
ton was two songs performed by the
venerable blues singer Sam McClean, a
New Orleansian transplanted to Texas.
McClean, a Bobby Bland sound-alike
(who better?), received a standing ova-
tion. At the concert's end, Connick and
the band got another standing ovation,
did one encore with Connick on drums
and Fowell on piano—this band may
have profound historical roots, but it
also has a lot of fun—and called it a
night.

Backstage, seated at a folding table
in Tshirt and jeans, Connick was the

(concluded on page 134)

Jonn
Dempsey

“Winter has come, babe. Time to cover it all up ита next summer”

65

PLE AEE

A PUMPED-UP PORTFOLIO OF BEAUTIFUL BODYBUILDERS

х His KIPrLING, sinewy new novel Body, Harry Crews describes his protagonist, Sheree
Dupont, as “a single shining muscle of a girl.” He sees the women's bodybuilding commu-
nity this way: "All around them, in the pool, in chaise longues, were . . . women without

body fat, their skin diaphanous, their movements languid and deliberate, abdominal walls

ridged with rows of muscle so sharply defined as to seem unreal, the mad imaginings of a

mad artist.” Crews obviously sees eye to eye with photographer Paul B. Goode, who since

the early Eighties has focused on the exquisitely developed forms of female bodybuilders.

Goode likes women who enhance—not distort—the feminine shape through weight training,
These beautifully wrought women—Monica Mercedes (left) of Venice. California, and L. Toni
Dee (above) of Vallejo, California, among them—know that the curve of muscle packs a pow-

erful sensuous appeal, and that a well-tuned body responds most generously to stimulation

PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAUL B. GOODE

Having a ball below is April Johnson of
Mansfield, Ohio. April enjoys body mas-
sages, if you have the hands to manage it.
Monica Mercedes (right), featured on the
opening spread, tells us, “My father is о for-
mer dictator, my mother a former spy.”
Lynn, Massachusetts’, own Carla Dunlap
(bottom) rejoices that “finally Playboy is
recognizing different shapes of women.”

Playing Atlas at the far left is 1. Toni Dee,
also pictured on the opener. Toni practices
weight, persanal and dog training. Give the
word, Tani: We'll sit up and beg. Brooklyn
girl Julia Kover (lefi) was born in Budapest
(glad she didn't stay Hungary) and traveled
the world with her dad, an economics
advisor to the Soviets. Obviously, she
learned how to handle heavy situations.

PLAYBOY

70

SISKEL & EBERT сое fiom page 61)

“Today, you couldn't get ‘2001’ made; you couldn't
get Taxi Driver’ made—it's not violent enough.”

better, after she was dead.

PLAYBOY: Since this interview is mainly
concentrating on the relationship be-
tween you and Roger and your rela-
tionship to the movies, let's focus on
how the movies influenced your child-
hood.

SISKEL: I would walk eight blocks to the
theater every Saturday with my
friends. A big theater. A Mediter-
ranean-themed palace with lighthous-
es and twinkling stars on the ceiling.
Red velvet all over the joint. One pic-
ture that made an impression on me
was A Star Is Born with Judy Garland, I
remember the colors were richer than
I had seen before. 1 remember being
taken to a drive-in to see A Streetcar
Named Desire. 1 remember being in the
back seat and hearing people on the
screen yell and scream. I grew up in a
very happy home and didn't hear that.
The movies, there was something po-
tent there. It was adult. That's what
movies meant to me, plus one other
thing: Admission was a quarter and I
was given two quarters so 1 could buy
my refreshments. That was the first
time in my life [ was really turned
loose. I could choose my food. I wasn't
served by my parents, the selection was
mine.

The movie with the strongest emo-
tional pull of my youth—and it has to
do with my psychological history—was
Dumbo. The separation from the moth-
er was terrifying to me. And also Dum-
bo's flying. It was like my whole ego
was riding right on his trunk when he
had to fly and believe in that mouse. I
felt that I had big ears and I think most
people feel that they have big cars
stashed somewhere in their life.

EBERT: With me, my life centered on
the Princess Theater on Main Street in
Urbana. For nine cents, you got a dou-
ble feature, color cartoons, a newsreel,
a serial, the coming attractions, the ad-
vertisements and, twice a year, Dan
Dan the Yo-Yo Man came and had a yo-
yo contest. You could win a Schwinn
bicycle. I wanted to be a yo-yo profes-
sional.

PLAYBOY: Your father also died when
you were young, didn't he?

EBERT: He died of lung cancer in 1960,
when I was a freshman in college. He
had been an electrician at the Universi-
ty of Illinois and my mother, who died
three years ago, was a bookkeeper. Two

weeks before my father died, I won the
Associated Press sportswriting contest
for the state of Illinois. Because he
knew that I won that, that award is re-
ally more important to me than the
Pulitzer Prize.

PLAYBOY: How different are movies to-
day from when you were kids?

EBERT: When I went to movies as a
teenager, we went to see what adults
did. Now adults go to the movies to see
what teenagers do. People over the age
of twenty-one hardly ever make love in
the movies anymore. They sit around
and tell the kids they shouldn't be do-
ing it. It's amazing. And today, the best
American directors are not trying to
make great movies, they're trying to
make successful movies. Today, you
couldn't get 200] made; you couldn't
get Taxi Driver made—it doesn't have
enough violence, and it has the wrong
kind of violence. It’s not escapist vio-
lence, it's introspective, meaningful vi-
olence. Even Raging Bull—it’s the best
film of the Eighties, but you couldn't
get it made today. It didn't make much
money and it never gets good ratings
on TV.

PLAYBOY: Gene, you get personally in-
volved with the movies, by collecting
movie memorabilia, don't you?

SISKEL; I've got the white suit Travolta
wore in Saturday Night Fever. 1 loved
that picture and have seen it ten times.
PLAYBOY: What did it cost you at auc-
tion?

SISKEL: Two thousand dollars. In terms
of what I was prepared to pay, it was a
bargain. Now it’s probably worth twen-
ty times that. Sylvester Stallone says it's
the most famous suit in the world. I've
never put it on, but I don't have to
worry about its being destroyed, it's
polyester. It will outlive the plastic bag
it's in. I'm also the proud owner of the
boom box, the baseball bat and the piz-
za-delivery shirt from Do the Right
Thing. And 1 have an early script of
Scorsese’s Mean Streets. That was an im-
portant film for me, just as the Nichol-
son pictures from Five Easy Pieces and
The King of Marvin Gardens through
The Last Detail were. But now, when
you ask people who starred in those,
nobody says Jack Nicholson. The dom-
inant image of Nicholson for many
people is the Joker and the Laker
games. Smilin’ Jack. Here is a man
who, to his everlasting credit, gave us a

portrayal of a modern American man
that was unique. He made these pic-
tures that really show an alienated
modern guy in an exciting way. And
the kids don't know it.
PLAYBOY: Gene, you've told us about
some of your favorite movies. Roger,
what are yours?
EBERT: The Third Man, La Dolce Vita. No-
torious, Citizen Kane, Taxi Driver and
Gates of Heaven, a documentary about a
pet cemetery.
PLAYBOY: And who are your three fa-
vorite actors and actresses?
SISKEL: I hate that shit. God, do I hate
that stuff!
PLAYBOY: All right, Gene, we'll note
that you won't play. How about you,
Roger?
EBERT; Robert Mitchum, because he
embodies the soul of film noir. Robert
De Niro, because he takes more
chances than anybody else. Jack
Nicholson, because he has a gift for
making the audience into accomplices.
Ingrid Bergman, because of the
ethereal quality of her persona. Mari-
lyn Monroe, because there was never,
ever anybody else like her; because she
was able to convey carnality through
innocence in a way that still remains a
complete mystery. Meryl Streep, just
because she tries so many kinds of
dings, so she never dues the same
thing twice,
PLAYBOY: What genre of film is the
Most review-proof?
SISKEL: It may be the comedy. It is very,
very hard to argue someone out of a
laugh, or into one.
EBERT: The sex film.
SISKEL: That, too.
EBERT: If people think it will turn them
on, they don't care what anybody says
about it. In fact, most sex films are nev-
er reviewed.
PLAYBOY: Are porno films healthy?
SISKEL: I know that they can be degrad-
ing, but I think that they possibly can
have a therapeutic value, as well. I
once interviewed a sex therapist who
said that porno films were healthy for
the reason that they show people who
have never seen the anatomy, the or-
gans, up close. Supposedly, a common
fear is that the vagina has teeth, And
someone could say, “No, it doesn't.
Look!”
PLAYBOY: Are orgasms usually por-
trayed from the male or the female
point of view in the movies?
SISKEL: 1 did a story on the visual gram-
mar of sex scenes in American movies,
and the orgasm is always from the
point of view of the woman. Richard
Gere is one of the few actors who has
(concluded on page 153)

re you sure its ninety-nine percent safe with a diagram,
. - Suppose it’s the wrong diagram. . . . Is it the right way up?"

“A
Eddie? .

72

THE TERROR
IN GAINESVILLE

in the modern
history of serial
murders,

the evil that
struck the
university of
florida campus
was almost beyond

imagining

article by

MICHAEL REYNOLDS

HE REAL FEAR— the one that trans-
forms the ordinary and imbues every-
day objects with palpable mortal
threat—kicked in late Tuesday night
while a bunch of cops and reporters
stood outside apartment 113 of the
Williamsburg complex, where the bod-
ies of two University of Florida fresh-
men had been found two days earlier.
Both girls had been butchered, muti-
lad with harrowing calculation,
washed clean of their blood and left
posed in an eerie Grand Guignol
tableau sometime in the humid August
night. A night not unlike this one.
Now, as the cops made small talk, a Mi-
ami reporter pointed and said, “Look
up there.” Against the Venetian blinds
in the upstairs apartment, two shadows
moved in an odd angular pantomime.
All eyes locked on the window until the
reporter, with a nervous laugh, tried to
make a joke of it. “Sinister, isn’t it?"

Gainesville, Florida, had reason to
be nervous. That morning, the fourth
and fifth victims had been found in an-
other off-campus apartment. Both
were college students, both were mur-
dered by multiple blade wounds, both
were left in a pose to chill the onlooker.
In normal times, Gainesville is home to
onc of the nation's most laid-back cam-
puses, a sunny Eden where students
stroll from class to dass in tank
tops and shorts and casually share
coed apartments. Saturday Gator
games and Daytona Beach, just two
hours away, are the prime outdoor ac-
tivities. The city itself invariably makes
those lists of the most livable places in

the United States, imbued as it is with
youthful optimism and blissful self-ab-
sorption. But in the abrupt span of 72
hours at summer’s end, this sprawl of
lightly undulating greenery dashed by
sylvan lakes and inviting residential
parks had become the hunting ground
of a demented killer, its 185,000 souls
uprooted from all tethers to the good
life and tossed into a twister of horror
and fear. By Labor Day weekend, the
streets were deserted, the students had
fled. The only sign of life was the police
cars sweeping the tree-lined blocks

The university briefly threatened to
close. Its president, John Lombardi, a
man brought in to revamp a school be-
set with sports and money troubles and
now sandbagged by a chain of student
murders, likened the grisly events to “a
natural disaster." Only Saddam Hus-
sein and possible Armageddon in the
Persian Gulf kept the Gainesville serial
killings from the covers of Time and
Newsweek. Though for those familiar
with the killings, the brutal horror in
Florida was every bit as chilling as the
worst excesses halfway around the
world. The details, as they emerged,
sickened all who heard them.

Sonja Larson and Christina Powell
had begun moving into their Williams-
burg apartment the week of August 20.
Another roommate was expected to
join them soon. Later, friends would
use adjectives such as exuberant,
bright and excited to describe the girls.
The two spoke with their parents for
the last time on Thursday, August 23.
‘The last sound heard from their apart-
ment was on Friday, the 24th—a new
occupant in an adjacent apartment
heard George Michael's Faith and “a
kind of pounding or hammering or
something.” Then, only silence until
Sunday afternoon around three
o'clock, when Powell's parents, con-
cerned that no one answered the
phone, called police, who accompa-
nied them to the girl's aparıment.

The Williamsburgs maintenance
man fingered his keys as he led the
parents and a Gainesville cop up the
short flight of stairs to their daughter's
apartment. The door was locked. He
unlocked it and stepped inside with
the officer. In a glance that seemed to
swell beyond the proportions of the
stifling room, now hung with an odor
not unlike soured milk, they wheeled
about and blocked the couple from en:
tering, then jerked the door shut on
the fetid outrage within.

Lieutenant Sadie Darnell, a 12-year
veteran of the Gainesville Police De-
partment and its public-information
officer, a dark brunette with wide-set
eyes given to reading Faulkner and
Joseph (continued on page 130)

ILLUSTRATION BY TIM O'BRIEN

1

|

c CL

honk if you love me. oh, i do, i do

fiction By KEVIN COOK schreiber Cards

wanted Jill. Not Zack. Zack smiled and said he was happy for
her, and maybe he was, but his beer just went flat.

The pisser was not that Schreiber hated him. Zack knew that.
With the help of three or four or six beers, he could live with it.
What bugged him was that Schreiber liked Jill. Ifshe was going
to be a winner, Zack wasn't sure he could live with her.

Sitting with her at their usual table at the Clammer, hearing
her tell all about her meeting with Schreiber, he had to smile.
Worse, he had to thank her.

“Bo offered me this fab, fab job,” Jill said, “but I stood up for
my man.”

“Thanks,” Zack said

“I talked about you."

"I said thanks.”

Waving her chowder spoon, Jill told him how she had
fought. How she had told Schreiber they were a team, Zack
and Jill, like love and marriage, soup and sandwich. How she
had said there was no deal without Zack. Schreiber had said... .

.

“No, no, по, no. I got thirteen scribes, treize. They do good
work, too. Fast, lyrical work. Four cards a day and four times
treize, 1 don't have to tell you, love, is fifty-two.”

Bo Schreiber sat in his office at Erie and State, twisting a pa-
per clip straight. He had a big corner office with a curved win-
dow. Behind him, the city curved out in the snow. He was
average-sized and average-faced and, as if to compensate for
his indistinction, too groomed. He (continued on page 148)

ILLUSTRATION BY GUY BILLOUT

75

The gesture of the
year: crotch grab-
bing, demonstrat-
ed here by a an
ballistically bras- |

siered Madonna
during her inter-
national Blond
Ambition tour.

"1 could take
this home, Marilyn.
This is something
teenage boys
might find of
interest.”

ADOLESCENT DICKHEAD
The pubescent male is Vice-
President Dan Quayle; the
well-hung doll, just like one
he bought in Chile, is cour-
tesy of The Quayle Quarterly;
the condom cap's from
the Funny Side Up catalog

THE AXING OF X

After a summer of discon-
tent in which movie after
movie received the dread-
ed X rating from the Motion
Picture Association of Amer-
ica's ratings board, the
M.PA.A. bowed to protests
and gave Universal's pic-
ture Henry & June its first
ever NC-17 classification.

THE TRUMP SHUFFLE
Let's face it: Gossip columnists ATE CL
would have had pretty slim pick- ADVENTURE More Вит:
ings in 1990 without the Trump tri- THAN ANT FANTAST,
angle: Donald, Ivana and model
Marla Maples. The Donald
claimed that the

y/ publicity had
BE $ been good
for the ca-

reers of both

SEY ladies, but the
commercial

loids to the trash

duly disparaging”

that Marla made

for No Excuses

LVER jeans, in which
can, was nixed by

and “airing of private disputes.”

nis of — A Lousy Mother

= Аі a Bitch ©

she consigned
the offending tab

AD some television
See networks as "un-

76

IN SA

what to whom in 1990

MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR
Попа "Cicciolina" Staller, Italy's porn
star/parliament deputy, wants to
make a swap with Iraq's Saddam
Hussein. The deal: “1 am willing to
let him have his way with me if, in
exchange, he frees the hostages.”

CRIMES OF THE ARTS
As the art-vs.-bluenoses battle continued, anticensorship activists
demonstrated in Boston, a Cincinnati gallery director beat obscenity
charges after exhibiting the same controversial photos by the late
Robert Mapplethorpe, Senator Jesse Helms
and other conservatives threatened to cut fund-
ing of the National Endowment for the Arts and,
in Fort Lauderdale, business improved when
the Apropos gallery began specializing exclu-
sively in erotic art. In its windows (right). nudes
pose for artist/photographer Tom Kulagowski

"NOTANOMER LIRA, MICHELANGELO, UNTIL YOU CLOTHE:

«Esc nad BODIES!"

DING DONG

Is that,
phallic symbol hid-
den in the castle on
Disney's The Little
Mermaid video? You
judge.

THAT'S WHAT WE CALL A STACKED DECK

Special-interest voyages being a hot item in seagoing travel, the liner
Ocean Spirit set sail from St. Petersburg on a nude cruise. Here, Cap-
tain C. Lucas Master demonstrates the use of navigational devices.

Padres fans took offense when Roseanne
Barr squawked the national anthem, then
4 clutched her crotch in alleged imitation

of practitioners of the national pastime.

WHY WE Y NEW YORK
Mooned by a topless
blonde in an East River
speedboat, Gov. Mario
Cuomo noted, “In Queens,
that never would've hap-
` pened. For 50 years,
е ADM we've been com-

SN ing to Manhattan
for excitement."

BIRDS OF

А FEATHER,
ALMOST

Tne plumaged per-
formers at right are
in the cast of Skin
Tight, which its pub-

“It's been an
unexciting and
dull campaign.

- A

licist bills, breath- With me in it, е

lessly, as “а lavish it's no longer

revue baring both dull.” POLITICAL
the soul and the DICKHEAD

breasts of Manhat-
tan's glittering night
life,” at The Blue An-
gel, New York's an-
swer to Paris' Crazy
Horse Saloon. By
the way, the woman
in the middle isn't.

Despite a conviction
for having sex with a
minor, Representative
Donald E. Lukens an-
nounced he'd run
again. After new
morals charges sur-
faced. he resigned.

WANTED: ONE VERY LARGE TOWEL
To celebrate its ninth birthday, Florida's Paradise
Lakes Nudist Resort packed 307 folks into a hot tub in
a bid for a Guinness Book of World Records mention.

GET A GRIP
ON YOURSELF!
Win a few, lose a few: One Florida jury found a 2 Live
Crew album obscene; another jury found Crew mem-

bers, including ball-bearing Luther Campbell, left,
blameless for performing the same songs on stage.

DEVASTATING BACKHAND

Model Nicole Meissner (in a shot from a German
Playboy pictorial, below) has a baby whose father may
or may not be—she named him twice, recanted
once—Peter Graf, tennis star Steffi’s father. The scan-
dal, during which Nicole was briefly jailed on charges
of having extorted $424,000 from Graf pere, put Steffi
(with dad, inset) off her usual championship game.

SEX DRIVE
Multiple-exposure photography of a golf ball created
this possibly unintended effect in an advertisement
for the telecast of a Ladies’ Professional Golf Associa-
tion tournament, which appeared in USA Today in July.

Here’s a little something
for Jesse Helms's Christ-
mas stocking: the Annie
Sprinkle Flashing Finger
Puppet, souvenir of an-
other Smut Fest.

digits and
Annie
flashes.

Wiggle your 7 С

DIRTY DITTY

This is a song-and-

dance act? That's
how it was billed
in, Smut Fest: The
Terror, presented at
the DNA Lounge
іп \San Francisco.

WHY WE
DON'T Y NEW YORK
Respondents in a poll conducted
by the weekly newspaper The
New York Observer preferred din-
ner (57 percent of the men, 85
percent of the women) and the
theater (men, 51 percent; wom-
en, 84 percent) to having sex.
But sex did beat out baseball.

LOVE IS А
TENDER TRAP
Washington, D.C.,
mayor Marion Barry
was sentenced to
serve six months in
jail on misdemean-
or charges but beat
a felony rap despite
a tape showing him
smoking coke with
Rasheeda

Moore, a Di
former
flame who
N had been ©
( recruited
by the FBI

OFF-COLLAR STORY
The nation’s first black archbish-
op, Atlanta’s Eugene A. Marino,
resigned after revelations of an
affair with Vicki Long—who also
claimed involvement with two
other Catholic priests and a nun.

ROAD
HOGS:
HANDLE
WITH CARE
Truckers may
boost their spir-
its—and their buns
into the semi—with
the Cab Companion
handle from Joe Palm-
quist Enterprises of
South Gate, California.

SEXIST DICKHEAD
Louisiana legislator
Carl N. Gunter, Јг,
rationalizes why he
opposes abortions
for incest victims.

“Inbreeding
is how we get
championship
horses.”

"ae 7570.

Don't look for this mural, commis-
sioned by rocker Roth, on your next
trip to Vancouver. Despite pleas to save
it, city fathers ordered the work white-
washed from a recording-studio wall.

When Roseanne Barr
grabbed herself in San ARACY DAY
Diego, she said she was AT EPSOM DOWNS

just doing what ball- A mischievous breeze on Derby
players do. Kansas City Day made Victoria Tucker's en-
Royals’ left fielder Bo trance at the race track grander,
Jackson proves her point.

perhaps, than she had intended.

S’AZZ SINGS THE ST. LOUIS BLUES
Executives at S’azz, a new-magazine aimed at the upscale black wom-
an, claim that St. Louis supermarkets refused to display their launch
issue because of this photo—but kept Cosmo's nudes on the racks.

8

KISSING DOESN'T KILL: GREED

AND INDIFFERENCE DO.

2 FUSS ON THE BUS
Anti-AIDS campaigns took
тт public transportation in
Chicago (above) and Mas-
sachusetts (left) and hit
2 some potholes. Illinois
КООШО politicos tried to out-
кошын law the kissing
posters, many of which were
vandalized; Massachusetts’ Catholic bishops said abstinence, not
condoms, should be endorsed as the best method of disease prevention.

acre Ofen lara Sai

GET A GRIP
ON YOURSELF!
Next to the ball park, the rock concert is the
GRAND OL’ SOAP OPRY | best venue for crotch-clutcher sightings. Here,
The tale of the romance between Nashville's mayor the Devil makes work for Billy's Idol hands.
and a country-music singer who bragged to the

tocal press about his sexual stamina (he's good
for seven consecutive hours of passion, she said)

would have been funny enough, even if their
names hadn't been Bill Boner and Traci Peel. Now
that hizzoner has belatedly shed his third wife
and wed the all-too-talkative thrush, we suppose
she'd be correctly addressed as Traci Peel Boner.

TEDDY BARE PUTS OUT AT SEA
After examining a photo of nautical naughtiness off St.-Tropez
that accompanied a startlingly unflattering GO magazine
profile of Massachusetts Senator
Edward M. Kennedy, fellow solon
Howell Heflin of Alabama observed,
“Well, Teddy, | see you've changed
your position on offshore drilling.”

DOWN ON

THE LEVY
Contemporary Ladies Godiva, like their leg-
endary predecessor, strip to save the citizenry
from taxes. The equestrienne rode in Winston-
Salem; the banner bearer chained herself to a
railing at the House of Lords car park, London.

NOTHING UP A/S SLEEVE!

Paul Matthews claims he's Britain's first naked magician;
sounds OK to us. Here he introduces his sleight-of-hand
routine to some sun

bathers on the nudist

beach at Brighton.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR
BEACH BUMS
When thong bathing suits were
banned from some beaches in
Florida, a veteran Loxahatchee
activist, Toni Anne Wyner J
(above), was arrested for AN
wrapping herself in the Con- FL
stitution; cheeky West Palm

Beach hot-dog vendor Glo- ~
па Gonzalez, whose barely

bikinied buns help sell her “= $

PEPSI DEGENERATION wieners, marketed her
Pop-company execs insist it was ап likeness on a
accident that their summer Cool T-shirt supporting
Cans could be stacked to spell SEX. the bans re-

peal; and car-

toonists had

a field day.

WARNING!
ANE
CONNECTING THE DOTSIS

GERSIDERED)

AND CAN RESULT IN ARREST

TRETEN CC WERN TE
TECE FLORIDA.

[-

"They can wiggle
their waggles in front
of her face as
far as I'm
concerned.”

ENTREPRENEURIAL
DICKHEAD

New England Patriots owner
Victor Kiam is the target of fem-
inist ire for his take on proper
locker-room behavior toward
Boston Herald writer Lisa Olson.

article By JOHN REZEK

URE-FIRE GIFTS
FOR BABES

HE Says she needs a new answering machine. You've heard her
say it several times. So why, when you show up with onc on her birthday, docs she give you one of those not-so-brave little
looks that indicate intimate relations are out of the question for the time being?

She may also need a vacuum cleaner. And, as someone who actually gave a nifty one to an overly emotional woman in my
youth, let me tell you the result was not pretty. What she needs—no matter how many times she may say it—and what she
wants are two very different things. Women take things, particularly presents, personally. What you give her tells her what
you think of her in some profound and—if you screw up—disturbing way. Gifts become talismans, rather than tokens, of af-
fection. That's not to say that women can’t be forgiving in the face of gifts. It's just that they have expectations—think of them
as untamed and camouflaged, roaming about in some feminine game preserve. What I'll try to do here is study the lessons

of presents past and sort out the possibilities with which to gift the woman in your life.

IF YOU LISTEN, SHE WILL TELL YOU

There are occasions when you are expected to give a gift of some thoughtfulness. These include—but are not limited to—
her birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas (or a facsimile thereof), the anniversary of your first date or of the first consumma-
tion of your connubial bliss. These are dates you should be able to remember. Not remembering them works against you.
Plan to spend time thinking about what you're going to do for her. Nothing is more transparent than, on February 12th,
asking your true love, “So, little lotus sweetmeat of the people's struggle, which kind of chocolates do you like, hmmmm?”

Women give off hints as easily as they change outfits. They know exactly what they want. First, there are those things that
they have been told they want: diamonds, furs, children, equity positions in major corporations. (continued on page 142)

IT’S JUST AS EASY TO GET HER THE RIGHT PRESENT. HERE’S HOW

ILLUSTRATION BY RENÉ GRUAU

WHEN THE WAITER comes to take her order, Cristy
Thom is ready. “Warm goat-cheese salad and iced
tea,” she says. The waiter scribbles on his pad, then
looks at the black-eyed beauty sitting before him
with one foot hiked up on a chair and an elbow
hooked around her bare knee. He is clearly smitten.

He leans in to light her

cigareue. “Could you bring us

y y some matches?" she asks,
playing along. "And be nice
to us—we're good tippers!”
Cristy grins as the waiter hus-
des back into the kitchen. “I

have an incredible effect on
men,” she says with a giggle.

revving her engines on the road to stardom, Cristy iS “God, does that sound stuck-

in no mood to slow down

up? I don't want to sound like

Im in love with myself.”

That's a job for others—the
waiter, for example, or the two guys in suits at the
next table who aren't even pretending to do business
anymore, they're so captivated by Cristy. Eavesdrop
on the exuberant Miss Thom—an L.A. native who's
bound and determined to get her slice of
movieland's pie—and listen to the exclamation
points. “1 have to be an actress! It’s what 1 was put
on the earth to do!” “I have to meet Sylvester Stal-
lone! He's my total idol!” “I'm the all-time Scrabble
champion of the earth!” “I'm the worst dancer in the
world!” In a world of absolutes, Cristy Thom would
rule absolutely. The woman knows her own mind.
And she has the guts to gamble when her heart tells
her to. Raised from the age of four by a mother
thrown into the work force after a divorce, Cristy
found out early that the world was a place for sur-
vivors, a place where you get what you can and move
on. School wasn't for her. “I was a monster,” she says.
“I was a wild child." At the age of 15, she dropped
‘cout and went to work for her boyfriend, who owned
an auto-parts business in the San Fernando Valley.
‘Tripping from garage to garage with a headful of
engine data and a handful of price sheets, Cristy was
a welcome visitor. “I wore tight jeans and a little top.
Those guys were hound dogs,” she says with a lusty
laugh. A quick study, Cristy soon outgrew sales, and
that’s when she came to Playboy. “As soon as I turned

As a kid, Cristy had a wild streak. "My best friend, Rachel,
моз my partner in crime.” They cut clesses together ond
pulled the usual teenage pronks—but Cristy has out-
grown her youthful indulgences. "I want to be an actress
ond I know it's hard work," she soys. “I'm ready for that.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

eighteen, I set up my camera, took some pictures and sent them in.” Although a modeling career is hers for the taking,
Cristy declines. "That's not for me,” she says. “I need something more challenging.” Miss February dreams of nothing less

than movie stardom. “Like Jack Nicholson.” she says, flaunting her own killer grin. “One of these days you're going to go to
вв Jack Nicholson movie and I'll be up there on the screen right next to him—even weirder than he is!" Believe her.

"1 believe in like at first sight," says Cristy, who's still waiting for true love ta came her way. “I con tell by the way a man looks and how
92 Һе carries himself if | can rolote ta him. The men I'm attracted to are extremely intelligent and very masculine—smart, tough guys.”

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

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laa cnt даљи iden Дыш La GAGES!

IN MY FUTURE:

MASA sis PY
(бо mae- ES) Wy Sid).

If Cristy could knock you over with о feother, you're not her type. "I hote being kissed up to,” she soys. “Sometimes | need to
be put in my ploce. | need someone who con push bock ond tell me, "Thor's bull!’ | like the sort of mon who will take control.”

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

The network executive impatiently tapped a pen-
cil as the producer tried to sell him the idea for
TV special

“I got Sondheim to compose the music," the
producer said

"Stephen?"

“No, Maury Sondheim. Bright kid from
UCLA. He's written a couple of jingles. And I got
Coppola for director.

“Francis Ford?

No, Ernie Coppola. He's young, but you'll like
him. And for the singer, I got Goulet.”

“Robert?”

“Yeah.

‘Oh, shit.”

Three friends out for a night on the town lurched
nto their favorite saloon after many hours of bat
hopping. After downing several more nightcaps,
one suggested they tell one another something
they'd never told anyone else. "OK," said one of
his friends, “you first.”

“All right,” he said, clea

"ve

ing his throat

second
“Tm having а steamy affair with

fellow confessed,
my boss's wife.”
“Well,” th
this.
“Oh, go on,” his pals chorused. “Don't be
barrassed.”
“Well... | can't keep a secret.”

third began, “I don't know how to

n-

The automotive scuttlebutt is that G.M. is plan-
ning to build a new model made from all its pre-
vious engineering errors and call it Total Recall

A Gern

ап shepherd went into a Western
Union office, took out a blank form and wrote,
“Wool . .. wool wool .. . woof wool
woof ., . woof woof woof.

The clerk examined the paper. “There are on-
ly nine words here," he said. “You could send an-
other ‘woof" for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would be silly.”

We know a local cemetery whose custom is to
bury lawyers 12 feet under, because deep down,
they're good people

The proprietor of a Chinese restaurant left the
store early to attend an employees bachelor
party

Many hours later, he returned home, crawled
into bed and, feeling horny, woke his wife and
asked for a little 69. “Irs three o'dock in the
morning,” she hissed, “and you want chicken and
broccoli?"

How do WASPS wean their young? By firing the
maid.

m, son," the cowboy answered. “See
When Um out on the range, it protects
me from the sun and rain. The kerchief keeps
the dust out of my nose. And the chaps protect
my legs from the sagebrush.”

"he young maris eyes slowly dropped to the
cowboy's feet. "My tennis shoes,” he explained,
“are to prove that | aint no damn California
truck driver.”

What's the difference between Saddam Hussei
and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the
lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

Mfg Heimen

Graffito spotted on a rest-room wall: pystextes

UNTIE

A young second lieutenant walked into the с

listed mens game room, where two privates
were shooting pool. He asked onc if he had
change for the soda machine. “Sure, pal,” the
private replied, pulling a fistful of coins from his

pocket
“You have a clear disregard for military proto-
col, Private,” the officer bellowed. "Now, let's try

nd address me as ‘sir’ this

jalure

this again.
time.”

“No, sir,” the enlisted n
salute, “I don’t have any change”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy,
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

WT

SS

MA

A

“We've got to lighten up those fortune cookies!”

Y LIFE
WITH
JOANNE

I

“you'll walk in and
he'll be bouncing
on top of her, and
she'll be screaming,
'oh, honey, you're so
much more of a
ma-yun than
my husband"

By MARK ALPERT

"HER NAME will be Joanne
Christiansen, You'll meet her
while you’re driving your
Trans Am through New
Hampshire or Pennsylvania or
Idaho, someplace rural. She'll
be the type of girl who's im-
pressed by a Trans Am. She'll
walk over to you while you're
stopped at a traffic light and
she'll say, ‘Hey, there, I like
your car.’ You'll try to strike a
mache pose behind the steering
wheel. Then she'll say, “Yeah, it
looks like a fast piece of equip-
ment” You'll say, 1 got some
other equipment that's fast,
too," and she'll say, ‘Oh, really?"
But (continued on page 145)

PAINTING EY PAT ANDREA

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PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO

Silk

Boxers |

sexy, colorful underwear that
vies for the title in
comfort and style

fashion
By HOLLIS WAYN

FOR YEARS, cotton briefs were tops when
it came to bottoms. Now they're going
round for round with sensuous silk
boxer shorts that come in a variety of
knockout colors and styles, from quiet,
traditional tie-pattern looks to wild
and crazy collage prints. Some call it
secret dressing. But you can bet that
anything that feels that good next to
your skin won't be a secret for long.
Silk, by the way, is a natural fabric that
helps keep you cool in the summer and
warm in the winter. Just in case you

5 for sissies, historians tell us
that Scarface himself, Al Capone, had
his silk boxer shorts custom-made. And
nobody laughed at Big Al's boxers.

The boxer rebellion: Pictured clockwise
from top are six shorts that pack a vis-
uol wallop: Psychedelic-patterned silk
boxer, from Paul Smith, $75; foulard-print
silk-charmeuse boxer, from Joe Boxer
Couture? Silk Collection, about $30;
Saturn-print sand-washed-silk boxer, by
More & More, $3B; sand-washed

charmeuse boxer with postage-stamp
print, by Nicole Miller, $75; neomodern-
patterned washed-silk boxer, designed by
Poul Lester for Mark Christopher of Wall
Street, $90; and black-silk-charmeuse box-
er, for Kirtos by Moriner de France, $55.
(Where & How to Buy on page 160.)

104

ә

YOU ARE
NOW LEAVING
TWIN PEAKS

ә

david lynch redefined weirdness on tv and in movies. what's next for hollywood's avant nerd?

Anythin’ intarestin’ in tha world соте out of somebody's weird
thoughts.
іла, in Barry Gifford’s Wild at Heart

WELL start with the kind of scene people expect from
David Lynch. We're sitting in a vinyl booth in the corner of
a little diner. The Studio Coffee Shop it's called, on a Hol-
lywood side street. While he's editing Wild at Heart, he eats
here almost every day. He is, after all, a creature of habit.

We've just finished lunch. He had a tuna-fish sandwich
with Swiss cheese on whole-wheat bread, a side of French
fries and a diet Coke with lemon. He's wearing a black
shirt—buttoned, of course, all the way up—and a black
blazer. His voice is soft, with a touch of a Virginia twang.
His manner is gee-whiz ingenuous, mildly evasive and a
little off. It's that David Lynch thing: Beaver Cleaver meets
Ted Bundy.

And he's talking Log Ladies.

“When I was growing up,” he is saying, “I didn’t see апу
Log Ladies. But I would see plenty of people who were
just as far out in left ficld as the Log Lady, and maybe a lot
farther. And, you know, they weren't bothering anybody,
and people let them be whatever they wanted to be. They
became characters in town, and that’s fine.”

The waitress walks up. She could be from Central Cast-
ing: gray-haired, matronly, a little hard of hearing. “We
have good blueberry pie,” she says.

“Really?” says Lynch excitedly.

“Would you like a slice?” she asks.

“Yeah,” he says. “With a cup of coffee.”

She leaves, and he continues. “Catherine Coulson, who
plays the Log Lady, worked on Eraserhead for six years.
And I always wanted to do a whole show about this woman
and her log. It was gonna be called I'll Test My Log with Ev-
ery Branch of Knowledge. And somchow, the Log Lady
sneaked into the Twin Peaks pilot.”

His pie and coffee arrive. “Thank you,” he says, dump-
ing several packets of sugar into his cup. “That looks great.
Man, oh, man! I don’t normally have pie, but it just struck
me when you mentioned it like that. You really got me.”

He picks up his fork, looks down and frowns. “May I use
your napkin, Steve?”

Yeah, it all fits. Pie. Coffee. A little diner. A shirt but-
toned all the way up. Man, oh, man! Pleased to meet you,
Mr. Lynch.

.

And now everybody has met Mr. Lynch. If you're a di-
rector and you make a couple of modestly successful
movies—say, The Elephant Man and Blue Veluet—you can
become respected, you can continue to get work and you
can make a decent amount of money. But if you're a direc-
tor and you make a modestly successful television series—
say, Twin Peaks—you can become an icon. A rich icon. And
that's the way it worked for David Lynch.

Sure, we knew him before he and his partner Mark
Frost cooked up Tuin Peaks. He was a guy who made
creepy movies. A guy who seemed intent on uncovering
the terrible secrets and the (continued on page 110)

PLAYBOY PROFIL

By STEVE POND

ILLUSTRATION BY DAMO LEVINE

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106

HUMAN

BRUN

DAGE

a heartfelt valentine to illustrator margaret brundage, whose
sumptuous writhing cover girl quickened many a young man’s pulse

nostalgia By Ray RUSSELL

орлу, of course, and for a fistful of decades, there
has been the Playboy Playmate. Before her, in my
childhood and adolescence, there was Esquire's
Varga Girl, preceded by the Petty Girl, from the
suave airbrushes of Alberto Vargas and George Petty, re-
spectively. The Petty Girl, who seemed enormously daring
to me whenever I was able to sneak a barbershop peek at
her when I was a boy, now looks like tame stuff, indeed.

But she had a full-bodied, pink-skinned contemporary,
invariably nude, who sizzled on the covers of Weird Tales
and who looks far from tame, even today.

Striding glossily naked from head to foot, with a pack of
faithful wolves as her companions, standing birth-bare and
terrified among deadly cobras, lying stripped on a marble
slab under the sacrificial knife of a half-naked priestess,
standing nude before pagan idols and hostile hooded
figures, she was that epitome of menaced maiden, the
Brundage Girl.

Margaret Brundage began working for Weird Tales with
the September 1932 issue. She was not the first or the last
of its cover artists to feature the undraped female form,
but the crude nudes of the early С. Parker Petrie and С. С.
Senf, or the painstakingly representational, anatomically
accurate figures of Virgil Finlay, pale beside hers, and only
the strange, imaginative—if almost abstracı—art-deco
work of Hugh Rankin offers any worthy competition to
the Brundage Girl.

Vivid, stylized, idiosyncratic, the naked lady of Margaret

Brundage doubled as victim and villainess, by turns cower-
ing or glowering, either cringing under or brandishing a
whip that was by no means always figurative. This cover
girl's flesh tones were sensuous and mouth-watering, her
eyes large and imploring (if a victim), narrow and leering
(if a vixen).

Her legs were long and tapering, the thighs generously
full. Her hands and feet were delicately modeled and al-
ways balletically poised. Her buttocks were rounded and
womanly, her belly gently convex, her breasts perfectly
formed and not too large. On some occasions, her nipples
were unveiled, and when they were, they were revealed to
be the delicate color of strawberry Necco wafers, a popular
pastel candy of my youth. It was probably the waxing and
waning of censorship and acceptability, and what the edi-
tors thought they could get away with, that determined
whether or not those tempting confections could be seen.
When they were covered, they were barely covered—by a
wisp of hair, a shred of chiffon, a tendril of smoke, the
strategic placement of which seemed to be Brundage's lit-
Че nose-thumbing joke at the bluenoses.

Unlike, say, Finlay's placid figures, which often seemed
to be just planted there, immobile as potted plants, the
Brundage Girl was always caught at a moment of ultimate
drama and trauma, extreme stress and distress, intolerable
persecution, raging displeasure; with wet lips parted, eyes
rolling, flashing; her splendid body recoiling or looming
with magniloquently theatrical outflinging of limbs. To this

eird

Tales

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already-pungent sauce was added, more often than not,
the patented Brundage sado-maso-lesbian spice that
was essential to the psychodynamics of her unique aes-
thetic. It made her work steam and bubble and erupt
from the cover, and still does, even half a century after Fr
es

publication.

'АМАСА?1ЧЕ OF EIZARREJANDKUNUSUAB STORIES

Brundage was excellent at composition and if she
had flaws—of draftsmanship or detail—they were irrel-
evant. For her flaws were her virtues. She usually gave
backgrounds short shrift or ignored them completely;
her figures often appeared to be floating in space,
standing on nothing—even the chains to which the fair
captive was often manacled rarely were riveted to a
wall. Thats because Brundage was impatient with a

nonessentials, had no love for walls or floors but felt a Fonde kinder
limonád Ната

burning love for her girls (and, possibly, their chains). _ = a

Was Brundage a shrewd professional who exploited Cark Astron Senih
her readers' obsessions, fixations and fetishes, cynically
tailoring her work to fit their tastes? Or did she share
those tastes, and was it precisely that facet of her per-
sonality that energized and vitalized her art? ИЛЕ ШО DEATHS

With the stuffiness typical of our tender years, we weird tortures in a ghastly
preteen fans of Weird Tales and other fantasy or science-
fiction magazines were vociferous in our praise of Fin-
lay, who impressed us with his meticulous care and
academic correctness, and whom we looked upon as a
Fine Artist. We were ashamed to admire Brundage; we
didn’t even admit to ourselves that we enjoyed the way
her pictures made our young cheeks glow a little pinker
and our young hearts pump a little faster.

ТЕТ seem to be persecuting Finlay, let me add that he
was a legitimate illustrator of great skill who did honor-
able work that was an asset to the pulpwood magazines
of the day. Brundage, on the other hand, was a wash
artist. Bur she was a top trash artist of her time, and she
may have been a kind of genius. Her work had zip, zest,
pizzazz; it had luster and lust; it zoomed straight past
the intellect and homed in on the viscera.

Critics of Charles Dickens have said that his stagy, ex-
aggerated characters aren’t lifelike. More perceptive
critics have said in rebuttal, Maybe not, but they're
something much more important: They're alive.

The same may be said of the Brundage Girl.

Domsel in distress: The Brundage Girl spiced up many а cov-
er af Weird Tales, which between 1923 and 1954 published
108 fiction from the likes of H. Р Lovecraft and Roy Bradbury.

PLAYBOY

110

TWIN PEAKS continued fron page 104)

“Lynch is not Norman Rockwell—but, still, he’s
like Norman Rockwell, you know what I mean?”

unspeakable rituals that lay beneath
the surface of bucolic suburbia. A guy
whose girlfriend was Isabella Rosselli-
ni, in spite of the fact that in Blue Velvet,
he photographed her naked, bruised
and in the least flattering light possi-
ble. A guy who acted a little too normal
ever to be normal, who obviously had
enough mental skeletons to fill that en-
tire floor of closets that Candy Spelling
(TV producer Aaron Spelling's wife)
put in her new house.

And then, last spring, he turned into
a guy who came into your living room
every week—and suddenly, things
were different. Even an unsuccessful
show reaches so many more people
than a blockbuster movie or a hit
record that the slightest provocation
becomes revolutionary, the mildest de-
parture from the norm becomes sub-
versive. And Тит Peaks was neither
slight nor mild. It stood the TV soap
opera on its head, it threw out the idea
that television has to be fast-paced and
simple, it said that if you want to puta
lady talking to her log in the picture
every now and then, then, damn it,
you could do just that. TV had rarely
seen a piece of film making as simulta-
neously creepy, languid, disturbing
and funny as the Тит Peaks pilot. Be-
fore you could say, "Who killed Laura
Palmer?" Lynch's obsessions were our
obsessions: doughnuts, coffee, pie and
an FBI agent who dictated his every
thought into a micro-cassette recorder.

Then came the blitz. Twin Peaks view-
ing parties; endless arguments about
whether Laura was still alive and pos-
ing as her cousin Maddie, or what Josie
was up to, or the identity of that long-
haired guy Bob; reams of print; and,
just in time for the second season, a
batch of merchandising goodies that
included The Secret Diary of Laura
Palmer, written by Lynch's daughter,
Jennifer, a cassette of Agent Dale
Cooper's dictation to his assistant
Diane and an album of Angelo Ba-
dalamenti's — stupendously moody
sound-track music. And in the midst of
it all came Wild at Heart, Lynch's road
movie about the road to Oz via hell.
Even before Time magazine bestowed
on him its October 1, 1990, cover and
officially dubbed Lynch a genius, the
mild-mannered director had seized
1990's pop-culture Zeitgeist and re-

made it in his own disquieting, loopy
image.

Just ask the Log Lady. "1 was driving
to work the other day,” says Coulson,
“and a whole carful of teenagers start-
ed honking. And I thought, Oh, dear,
T've pulled into the wrong lane. But I
looked over and they yelled, 15 the Log
Lady! We love you!” It's kind of an amaz-
ing experience, being a cult figure.”

It didn’t seem possible that Lynch's
reach would be so broad back when he
was making Eraserhead and Blue Velvet;
his idyllic daydreams and horrific
nightmares seemed poor bets to rever-
berate beyond the art-house crowd,
much less make it in prime time. But,
in a way, it now seems as if putting
David Lynch on TV forced him not to
sell out but to grow up.

To grow up part way, at least. “He's а
mature artist, but he’s a kid in a sand-
box at the same time,” says Michael
Ontkean, who plays Sheriff Harry 5.
Truman in Twin Peaks. “To me, that's
the greatest combination. He’s a ma-
ture enough creator to be organized
and not to waste his energy on tan-
gents that are not productive, and he's
highly responsible to all the elements
of film making. But, at the same time,
he can just work with abandon, and
throw things out the window, and com-
pletely reverse himself and change his
mind in midstream.”

Jack Nance, who played the title role
in Eraserhead and has worked with
Lynch ever since (he’s Pete Martell in
Twin Peaks), explains Lynch's appeal
another way. “Lynch is an American,
you know what I mean?” he says. “He’s
that real small-town boy who makes
good. He's not a big flag waver, you
know, but he's a real apple-pie Ameri-
can. Of course, he likes to dig into all
this subterfuge, all this secret stuff,
people's secrets and all that, and he
gets pretty perverse sometimes. He's
not Norman Rockwell—but, still, he's
like Norman Rockwell, you know what
I mean?”

The New York Times also compared
Lynch to Rockwell: “a psychopathic
Norman Rockwell” it called him. But,
however graphic and brutal and
spooky Lynch's images can be, and
however much he delights in parading
deformity and aberration in front of
the viewer, there's something too wide-

eyed about his stance to call him psy-
chopathic. He's drawn to these charac-
ters, perhaps, because part of him is
still a curious suburban kid who thinks
strange things are sort of neat, who
saved his cereal-box tops for months
and is now ready to use his mail-order
X-Ray Spex and secret decoder ring to
root out our dirty little secrets.

Here is one more measure of the fas-
cination we have for Lynch: Hill Street
Blues will probably have a far bigger ef-
fect on the history of television than
Tuin Peaks will, but nobody cares what
Steven Bochco has for lunch.

.

David Lynch once said that people
tell you only ten percent of what they
know and it's up to you to discover the
other 90 percent. Here are some of the
things we know about him:

He was born in Missoula, Montana,
in 1946. His parents had met while on
a nature hike.

His father was a Government re-
search scientist who often dropped his
son offin the woods, where David saw
strange things. Sections of the forest
where everything was labeled. Nicely
furnished offices in the middle of the
woods where every drawer and wall
was covered with bugs that had been
mounted and cataloged. A guy who
carried an ax everywhere he went.

His mother wouldn't give him color-
ing books, because she didn't want him
to feel that he had to stay within the
lines.

He was embarrassed because he
thought his parents were too normal.

His family lived in Washington, then
Idaho, then Alexandria, Virginia,
where he went to high school.

He ran an unsuccessful race for class
treasurer in high school, using the slo-
gan “Save with Dave.” He and his girl-
friend were named Cutest Couple in
the senior yearbook.

He became an eagle scout and seat-
ed VIPs at John Е Kennedy’s Inaugu-
ral Parade

He didn't really think, he says, until
he was in his 20s.

He went to art school in Boston but
dropped out. He went to Europe but
came home after ten days. He re-
turned to Virginia and got hired and
fired from several jobs. Then he
moved to Philadelphia, enrolled in the
Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts,
visited the morgue for fun, got mar-
ried, fathered a daughter and had his
first “thrilling thoughts" “Philadel-
phia," he said, “is the sickest city I've
ever been in in my life.”

He made a ten-second animated

(continued en page 154)

“Are you sure this is the only way to pump up your new sneakers?”

m

Тї i ANS

LENA Се

Ez Olin is complicated and erotic. As

E a concentration-camp survivor
in "Enemies, a Love Story" she portrays
neurotic love. Earlier, as Sabina in “The
Unbearable Lightness of Being,” she spent
several memorable moments wearing mainly
a hat. In “Havana,” with Robert Redford,
she melts through her co-star's famous cool
persona. Contributing Editor David Rensin
met with Olin, who lives in Sweden, during
one of her тате visits io Los Angeles. She
greeted him at her hotel-room door. “Al-
though her English was excellent,” he says,
“she easily resorted to sign language or
French to find the proper word. She was as
free with her opinions as she was with her
cigarettes.”

1.

гадувоу: Many of your films seem to
take place during times of political up-
heaval. Is that coincidental?

oun; I'm not going for the political
thing by itself. I'm interested in films
about human changes. My most recent
films take place in very politically
strained times. It’s not like in Sweden,
where things have been the same for
years. In these films, people’s emotions
are more flagrante and things happen
that wouldn't have happened had the
political situation been different.

2

riavpoy: You've worked with directors

such as Ingmar Bergman, Sydney

Pollack, Philip Kaufman and Paul

Mazursky. What makes a good director
good?

Uu ошм: Ап intelli-
sweden $ gent director waits
huil to see what's go-
hest built inte pen
'ometrmes irec-

export since tors think that
the saab they know what
Я type of character

sheds light fuere TE
Tector in Sweden

on the meat- ска cast nie i
one type of char-

hall, had acter, which irri-
^ = tates me. This
choices in especially hap-
love and the Phere we tend w

work with the
same directors,
because the coun-
try is so small and
there are so few

endless night
7

PHOTOSRAPHY BY RICHARD CORNAN

directors. In ıhis country, it seems like
actors work wich a director once, then
never again. Sometimes you see won-
derful relationships, like Scorsese and
De Niro’s, but they are rare.

3.

riavsoy: What do you like most
about the American film business?
ouin: People are so capable. And com-
pared with Swedish conditions, where
we make so few films, your capacity is
amazing. Also, there is not so much
humbug about acting. In America, it’s
like, “Action!” In Sweden, it’s more
like, “Do you think we can do this
now?” We sometimes make it heavier
than it has to be. It frustrates me. Swe-
den is rigid. Nobody can yawn or make
small talk fifteen minutes before a dif-
ficult take or a rehearsal. People here
are serious, yet they have a looseness.

4.

талувоу: Does the perfect role exist?
oun: It might, I don't know. But I
know actors who fight to do a character.
They say that this is the character they
want, and it doesn’t matter who the di-
rector is. To me, it's always a combina-
tion of who is directing, who is acting,
what the script is like. In America, they
say, “Who is starring?” before they
even mention the director. I've been
lucky with all my directors. And there
are those, like Bergman or Pollack or
Scorsese, who could call me and say,
“Here's a bunch of toilet paper that's
going to be shot in six months. Would
you do it?” Definitely. I wouldn't care
about the script, because I'd know it
was safe.

5.

PLAYBOY: Do you trust people easily?
OLIN: In my work, it's easy; but I don't
trust people easily in my private life. I
look for security all the time, though
I wry to force myself not to, because I
think it's false: There is no security. Yet
there seem to be some people who
have within themselves some kind of
security that I envy. I have a room of
my own, in myself, that I can walk into,
and that's one kind of security for me.
But I'm a very insecure person in
many ways. I'm a worrier; therefore,
everything is a challenge to me. I could
end upsitting in a room just locking all
the doors.

pLaveoy: Acting is ads one of the
least secure professions. Why do it?
oun: 1 feel the illusion of security when
I act. All the inhibition, all the limits,
everything disappears. Everything is
possible. It's an urge, a need. And I
like to do things that are hard. If it
were easy to act, it wouldn’t be fun or
interesting anymore. It’s so much joy.
And it's so much pain. I act because
that's my only way of really communi-
cating with people.

de

pLavnoy: Do you believe in love?

ou: Yes and no. 1 don’t really believe
in friendship, either. But I believe that
you connect with certain people, and
that’s very important. 1 believe in the
chemistry of sexual attraction. It can
be something we will throw everything
away for. But what we call love, what
we do movies about, what we do plays
about, what we read books about—love
in the commercial sense—l don't
know. To me, ultimately, love is a way
of living. It's not something you need
another person for.

8.

тлүвоү: You're probably one of film's
best examples of organic chemistry. Yet
you've said that you don't really feel
like an object of desire off camera. Is
that professional humility?

orin: [Laughs] I always like it when peo-
ple don't believe what I say. [Smiles] No-
body thinks of himself as an object of
desire. In a relationship, if you want to
be desired, then you feel like you're
desired. You know what that’s like: You
wake up in the morning and you know
that he wants you and you want him.
But to walk around and have that sense?
My private life is still so far away from
those things.

9.

ravpoy: Part of that private life is your
four-year-old son, August, named after
the playwright Strindberg. What does
your son add to your life that wasn't
there before?

OLIN: As children, we are so vulnerable
to everything. Everything gets to us. If
we see a movie about a puppy that gets
hurt, we can cry all night. But then
we grow up, and we can see somebody
get run over on the street and we get
sick for five (continued on poge 134)

113

| Anatomy
ofa

in the
trenches with
the master

bookies
of las vegas

article By ANDREW BEYER

THE WEEK BEFORE the Super Bowl, the
National Football League will cite
some staggering statistics to demon-
strate the sport's popularity: The game
will be seen on television by three
quarters of a billion people, including
almost half of the population of the
United States. Not everyone will be
watching for the sheer enjoyment, of
course: The day's wagering, legal and
illegal, should reach about three billion
dollars. And at the heart of it all will lie
the numerical Holy Grail of sports: the
point spread between the Super Bow!
combatants.

Conceived by a Midwestern book-
maker in the Forties, the point spread
transformed even the worst athletic
mismatches into intriguing, bettable
contests. If the 49ers, say, were playing
the Broncos, few might bet Denver to
win. But a point spread favoring the
49ers by eight and a half would stimu-
late action on both sides. People who
bet on the ‘Niners would win only if
the favorite won by nine points or
more; those who bet on the underdog
would collect only if Denver lost by
eight points or fewer or won the game
outright. Bettors lay odds of 11 to 10,
the difference being called the juice, or
vigorish, or “vig"—the margin of profit
that enables bookmakers to drive
Cadillacs

As the money flows in the week be-
fore a game, Las Vegas becomes the
nerve center for the entire nation. Al-
though odds in Las Vegas influence
the nation, ultimately, it's a case of the
tail wagging the dog. The magazine
Gaming ES Wagering Business reported
that in 1989, legal wagering in Nevada
on sports totaled 1.4 billion dollars
Americans’ illegal beting on the same
events was estimated at 29.5 billion
dollars.

The surging popularity of sports bet-
ting isn't hard to understand. It's a fair
gamble: Those 11-to-10 odds (bet $110
to win $100) calculate to a 4.5-percent
edge for the bookie, a reasonable
figure compared with horse races, in
which the tracks take 17 percent or
more, or lotteries, in which the state
confiscates 50 percent. Betting on
sports can reward skill—as opposed to,
say, craps or roulette. And it makes 2
perfect marriage with television. Bet
on a game that might otherwise put
you to sleep and you have three hours
of riveting excitement.

.

A good example of how the system
works—and its crucial place in the
sports culture—is the September 23,
1990, game between Tampa Bay and
Detroit. Even in the third week of
the N.EL. season, this is considered a

HLUSTRATION BY JOHN HOWARO

115

PLAYBOY

116

low-intensity conflict between two
chronic losers with little charisma. Yet
on this evening, 3,200,000 households
and virtually all of the barrooms in
America will tune in to see the Bucca-
neers face the Lions. Even in cities with
no allegiance to either team, those bar-
rooms will erupt in cheers when a
score is threatened.

This is no surprise. In Nevada, more
than $3,000,000 will be legally wa-
gered on the Bucs and the Lions—the
largest amount on any game this day.
Nationally, illegal wagers on the game
will probably exceed $100,000,000.

Although this is the season when the
N.EL. forbade its television announc-
ers from mentioning the point spread
during pregame and game broadcasts,
most of America is aware that Tampa
Bay is favored by three points. The
number has appeared in hundreds of
newspapers and is routinely cited by
local sportscasters. Anyone who has
taken part in an office pool, made a
friendly bet or telephoned his local
bookie has had to decide whether or
not the home team can win by more
than a field goal. However, not many
of them have an answer to the pivotal
question: Why three points?

The process to determine that
figure—indeed, all of that week’s point
spreads—begins the previous Sunday
in a cluttered office just off the Las
Vegas Strip. There, Michael "Roxy"
Roxborough and his staff spend the
afternoon watching all the games on
television while referring to teletype
and computers for reports on the rest
of the day’s action. Almost as soon as
the afternoon games are finished, Rox-
borough's company, Las Vegas Sports
Consultants, will have to release open-
ing point spreads for the next week’s
schedule to clients that include most of
the major bookmaking establishments
in Nevada.

Roxborough went to Las Vegas like
so many young new arrivals: as a
scuffler who dreamed of making his
living as a gambler. In 1975, he was
able to parlay an only-in-Vegas skill—
success betting on the total number of
runs that would be scored in a baseball
game—into a career. A bookmaker in
Reno took note of Roxborough's as-
tuteness and asked him to help set bet-
ting lines on the games, then gave him
other sports. In 1982, with fortuitous
timing, Roxborough formed his own
company. Betting on sports was boom-
ing, and the industry had no central
source of point spreads.

At the time, the gathering of data
and the creation of point spreads were
crude processes. Information—espe-
cially on college teams—was so hard to
come by that odds makers would pay
the clean-up crews at the Las Vegas air-

port to bring them newspapers left on
incoming planes.

The betting industry then was pro-
pelled by rumor as much as by fact. On
one Sunday morning in ıhe Seventies,
a gambler named Jolly Joe Sarno re-
ceived a phone call from a well-in-
formed source who told him that there
was a blinding snowstorm in Denver.
Sarno immediately began placing bets
that the total points scored in the
Broncos game would be fewer than
37—the prevailing line. As the money
poured in, bookmakers lowered the
over-and-under line to 36, to 34, and
then to 32 before they finally stopped
taking bets altogether. When the Las
‘Vegas wise guys turned on their televi-
sion sets that afternoon, they saw a
crowd of Denver fans in shirt sleeves
enjoying a balmy fall afiernoon. The
score was 21-17 before half time.

It was a time of opportunity for so-
phisticated, informed gamblers to beat
the point spreads, especially in college
games. And in the early Eighties, a
team of bettors—ied by a moonlighting
orthopedic surgeon—did just that.
Employing computer analysis while
odds makers were still using antiquat-
ed techniques, this so-called Computer
Group bet and made millions.

Roxborough, for his part, brought
computers onto the side of the odds
makers, enlisting Mike Orkin, a profes-
sor at California State University at
Hayward, who still teaches Statistics
2088, Games of Chance. Orkin helped
Roxborough devise a method of cal-
culating numerical measurements of
teams’ strength, known in the gam-
bling world as power ratings.

Each team goes into a game with an
assigned rating; the difference between
those ratings, adjusted by a home-field
advantage calculated by the computer,
is a raw version of the point spread.
When the game is played, one team
will cover the spread (and the other
team will fall short of it) by a certain
number of points. That's the “error.”
The error is multiplied by .093 and the
resultant figure is added to or subtract-
ed from each team's power rating for
the next week.

Suppose the Rams and the Giants
start the season with power ratings of
100 each, and they are playing in Los
Angeles, where the home-field advan-
tage makes the Rams a three-point fa-
vorite. The Giants win, 21-0. That's an
error of 24, which, multiplied by .093,
equals 2.23 points. This number is
added to the Giants’ power rating,
which now becomes 102.23, and sub-
tracted from the Rams’, which drops to
97.77. “It may be simple,” Orkin said,
“but it’s not naive. That constant of
-093 is based on simulations of how the
error should be factored in. Other

people who make power ratings use
passing yardage, rushing yardage and
a variety of variables, but from the per-
spective of the odds maker, they're just
muddying the waters.”

In the system that Roxborough de-
vised, the maximum error recognized
by the computer on any game is 24
points, and the maximum adjustment
that can be made to any team’s rating
in a single week is 2.23. There is a
reason that number seems so small: It
recognizes the way that professional
gamblers—as opposed to the general
betting public—look at the results of
N.EL. games. The average fan watch-
ing a 40-0 blowout on ABC's Monday
Night Football will conclude that the
winner is the team of the decade and
that the loser will never win another
game. And he will bet accordingly the
next week. But neither the computer
nor the professionals go overboard on
the basis of one game. So even after
‘Tampa Bay dominated Detroit 38-21
in their first meeting, the power rat-
ings still had the Lions a better team.
Give the Bucs points for the home-
field advantage and they figured to be
a slim favorite.

What complicates the line maker's
task—especially in pro football—is that
he must do more than decide who is
better than whom. He must gauge the
inclinations and biases of bettors. In
the September 23rd Chicago—Min-
nesota game, Roxborough believes
that the Vikings are superior, But he
also knows that there is huge popular
sentiment on behalf of the Bears, and
his point spread will have to favor the
Bears more heavily to entice people to
bet against their hearts. The Tampa
Bay-Detroit game is even trickier.
Making the home team a three-point
favorite would be safe and predictable.
But, Roxborough says, "Tampa Bay
went to Detroit and clobbered the Li-
ons; now Detroit is going to Tampa.
The public says, ‘They'll kill them
again, but the wise guys love these re-
verses. If 1 were a bookmaker out of
town, I'd probably open this game at
three. But I'm going to try to rob the
wise guys and make it two and a half.
That's a big half point, two and a half
versus three."

Roxborough has calculated his ten-
tative point spreads for the upcoming
games. Now he consults two other ex-
perts before deciding on which num-
bers to release. He telephones Eugene
Buonantony, another Las Vegas line
maker, and admits that he is still uncer-
tain about the Bears-Vikings game. He
is inclined to make the game even;
because Chicago has the home-field
advantage, that line would reflect
Minnesota's superior manpower.

(continued on page 140)

“Wow—that was some video!”

Шо КЕ.

the allure of filmy underthings proves once again that less is more

E CONTEMPLATE the delicate and sometimes diaphanous
things that a woman wears closest to her body and var-
ious wise sayings come to mind: Getting there is half
the fun. Some things are better left undone. Beautiful
things come in beautiful packages. For there is, per-
haps, no more arousing interlude during the wooing of a love-
ly woman than that moment when, having discarded the armor
of her street dothes, she stands before us in her undergar-
ments, so vulnerable but not quite naked. And if a man is one
to savor each moment, he will not hurry to remove those scent-
ed bits of silk, satin and lace but will prefer, instead, to allow
them to heat his imagination awhile, all the better to relish the
undoing of each button, the disengagement of each tiny hook
and the subtle whisper of fabric slipping away from soft skin.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BYRON NEWMAN

119

hen there are some women and
some lingerie that when com-
bined create so powerful an
aphrodisiac that we prefer not
to separate them but, rather, to
immerse ourselves in the delicious
exploration of secret places half-
concealed by cloth so thin and flimsy
that we become acutely aware of the
power in our hands and the strength
in our fingers. And, with such a wom-
an, we know better than before why
some things are better left undone.

oa

hould a man be lucky enough to find a woman who not only shares his enjoyment of
the gauze that refreshes but understands completely why watching her wearing it
drives him absolutely mad, then he can, with her permission, share in her search for
feminine underclothing. If their tastes are similar, she will not only trust him to buy
lingerie for her but reward him by putting it on for him. And letting him take it off.

127

PLAYBOY

130

TERROR IN GAINESVILLE „а fom page 72)

ссе

There was an aura there that started before I ever
looked in. I was prepared to a degree, but... .

2»

Campbell, recalls that Sunday after-
noon when the nightmare sprang from
the stifling apartment. “It was right at
dusk. I didn't really have an idea of
what had happened yet. I went inside
the crime scene, which I usually do to
get an idea of what I'm working with
and to beable to ansiver questions. . ..”

She gathers her hands in her lap be-
fore continuing. "I went in and came
back out. I was in there for ten or
fifteen minutes.” She sits silent for
some moments as Mozart plays softly
from her radio. "I've been on homicide
scenes. I've seen shotgunnings, several
times. I've seen extremely violent
scenes. I've seen murdered children,
even a three-year-old. -” Mozart
plays and Lieutenant Darnell listens. “I
was ill. A lot had to do with the odor.
There was some decomposition and
the apartment was warm, musty. And
there was the 3-D of it . . . not just a
picture kind of thing. A lot of sen-
sory things were occurring at once. ш
was an unusual death situation.

That was Sunday. That same night,
Christa Hoyt was an hour late for her
midnight shift at the Alachua County
sheriff’s-office dispatch desk. Hoyt was
an extremely responsible 18-year-old,
well-liked, given to quick smiles and an
upbeat manner. Her friends called her
Glowworm, She was to begin classes on
a scholarship at Gainesville's Santa Fe
Community College that week. Satur-
day afternoon, she played racquetball
with friends and returned to her mod-
est apartment in a slightly downscale
duplex park at the end of 24th Av-
enue, a seldom-traveled street. When
Hoyt didn't show up for her shift, a
deputy was sent to her apartment. It
was just after one o'dock when the
deputy's cramped voice called Юг
backup.

Lieutenant Spencer Mann is a for-
mer reporter, He has been with the
Alachua County sheriff's office for
eight years. He spent six hours in the
apartment on. 24th Avenue. “There
was something about the crime scene
where Christa was found that was dif-
ferent from any other homicide scene
I've ever been a part of, and I can't tell
you tangibly why. There was an aura
there and that feeling started before I
ever looked in. I was prepared to a de-
gree, but..."

The killer who took apart Sonja Lar-
son and Christina Powell on Friday
night forced his way into Christa

Hoyts apartment late Saturday night.
He menaced her with a heavy blade,
stripped her and bound her with tape.
In some sequence, he stabbed her
many times, slit her from pubic bone
to breastbone, cut off her nipples and
cut off her head, which was then
placed on a shelf some distance from
the ruin he had created. He then went
about cleaning the body, washing the
numerous wounds with a germicide or
a caustic solution. This both removed
any possible trace of his own fluids and
heightened the grotesque effect when
the scene was discovered—the extreme
violence coupled with the startling lack
of blood. To avoid other traces of
blood, the killer may have used a “col-
lector,” possibly a rubber sheet or a
shower curtain. Before leaving, he used
several mirrors to heighten the horror.
One, located behind the severed head,
was tilted to catch the shocked expres-
sion of a person entering the apart-
ment. Another was canted to reflect
the grisly scene to anyone who might
pass by Hoyt's front window.

Like Powell and Larson, Hoyt was
posed in such a way that—though all
three victims were naked or nearly
so—the sexual element was slightly
askew, not overt but implied with a cu-
rious ambivalence. There was no indi-
cation that the killer had had any kind
of sex with his victims. And, like the
scenes in apartment ll3—one up-
stairs, one downstairs—the tableau on
24th Avenue included seemingly banal
objects, everyday items placed within
the obscured context of these homici-
dal set pieces.

Investigators will not reveal the pre-
cise details of the poses or other
specifics, in order not to jeopardize
prosecution when and if a killer is
caught. Regarding the poses, Lieu-
tenant Darnell was asked how she
would rate their intricacy on a scale of
one to ten, one representing simple
standing or sitting. She replied,
"Four" Captain R. B. Ward, asked if
the killer, who had taken pieces of his
victims’ flesh, might have left remains
from one crime scene at another, said
he could not comment.

“I knew about Williamsburg,” says
Lieutenant Mann, “but all I knew was
there were similarities. I didn't know
how bad it was.” He swivels in his chair
and lightly runs his fingers along the
edge of his desk. “It wasn't like I stood
there and gazed at it for an hour.” He

stops talking and swiveling and slowly
rocks, looking at his fingers. “That im-
age. Incredible is the word that comes
to mind. And when I say incredible, I
mean far different from and exceeding
anything I've ever been exposed to in
my life, And I've been exposed to a lot
of violent deaths. It's just incredible
that a person or persons—people—
might do something like this.”

The man responsible for bringing
the person or persons to justice is
Ward, a 48-year-old detective who has
no small reputation in Florida law en-
forcement. In 24 years, primarily as an
investigator with the Gainesville Police
Department, Captain Ward has solved
more than his share of homicide cases.
And homicide can get quite strange in
these parts of north Florida. In addi-
tion to Ted Bundy’s deadly visitation
less than 30 miles north of Gainesville,
the neighborhood has witnessed sever-
al other twisted killings in the past
decade. There was the murder-mutila-
tion of a college professor whose body
was found two months later in an
abandoned refrigerator; there was the
ritualistic slaying of Howard Apple-
dorf, 2 high-profile “junk-food diet”
promoter and University of Florida
professor, who was bound, gagged,
blindfolded, burned with cigarettes
and slowly suffocated by a bag of ice
placed over his head. His body was
found propped up on his living-room
couch with an empty plate and glass
placed at his feet. Ward solved the lat-
ter crime, as well as a nasty double
homicide at the local Steak ‘п’ Shake,
in relatively short order, but the
discoveries in Williamsburg almost
immediately threatened to eclipse the
previous horrors he had witnessed, if
not in number, certainly in style. “I
was out of town and came straight to
the scene about seven-thirty, quarter to
eight.” Ward speaks in that distinctive-
ly clipped drawl endemic to this part
of Florida. He says he's averaging
three hours’ sleep a night, and he
looks it. He says his wife has a chair
propped up under the doorknob and
is sleeping with his service revolver.
“On Sunday, I knew I had a very un-
usual situation and was very concerned
that there was no reason for it to stop.
But we didn't know it would hit us as
fast as it did.”

On Tuesday morning, at 8:35,
Ward's worst suspicions were con-
firmed when another maintenance
man opened another apartment door
located midway between the first two
homicide scenes, in Gatorwood, and
found two more bodies. Both victims
were 23 years old. Both had died of
multiple stab wounds. As in the two
other homicides, enn had been

(continued on page 137)

+ IN THE EVER CONSTANT QUEST FOR PHYSICAL PERFECTION, RARELY HAS A SINGLE DEVELOPMENT HAD SUCH AN IMMEDIATE
AND SIGNIFICANT IMPACT AS HAS THE INTERNATIONALLY HERALDED CYBERGENICS TOTAL BODYBUILDING
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PLAYBOY

134

Harry Conr ck, Jr.

(continued from page 64)
gentleman, signing
autographs, posing for pictures, stand-
ing up without even thinking about
it when an older couple approached
The woman gave hi
you a note on the back. H vou ever need
nything in Houston, anything at all,

essential Souther

a card; “1 wrote

e

That's very sweet of you, thanks."

lOs as if Connick lives in a realm
where bands don't do tape-recorded
shows, drummers have Social Security
numbers, men wear cuff links, not ear-
rings. Of drug clinics, endless solos, elec
tronic instruments, girl singers in their
underwear. as Randy Newman ob-
served:

Maybe they heard about it
And maybe wot

Probably they heard about it
And just Jorgol

At this point, there's no telling what
Connick can't do, A piano player with a
sly grin and a certain resemblance to
Montgomery Clift could go a long way
He has already made his film debut in
Memphis Belle. What if. ће became a
movie star—moved to California and
ran for governor—then, once he was
over 35 and eligible to run for President
and people had forgotten Lee Atwater
and were a bit more tolerant of people
from the South ... To the m
‹ nick is better than anyi
MTV

“There are some things money can't buy. Pm nol
interesled in them.”

LAE NA OX ET IN

(continued from page 113)

minutes and then we go on. But when
you havea child, you identify with some-
one who has no protection. You go back
to the state of being a kid. August has al-
so added п aing to my work, Now
s a point to being here: there's a
to stay alive and sane, Is impor-
now. He has to have his mother.

10.

rio: Do you need a husband?
you looking to settle down?

oun: Vd like to find one guy, but “settle
down” sounds like the wrong direction
Га like ло find one guy and go on
Maybe there is such a thing as a good
m Yt seen it. Not with my
parents nor amor

ther

ге
1

Are

the people I know
But I believe it is possible.

Having a good marriage me
you've met someone who sees the whole
of you, who s you emotionally. He
doesn’t have a fixed picture of “this is
you and this is the way you have to st
honey. or else I won't love you tome
if vou turn oi
vou have t
ings for |

10 be someone else
have the sa ort of feel-
n. That would be wonderful

толум: For every troubled man who
has ever loved a woman who keeps
falling for jerks instead, explain the al-
lure of making bad choices in love

oux: Asking about the allure makes
these things sound like some superficial
auraction, There is a way of not being
afraid of saying yes to things that we
normally don't do because were seared
We all want to be happy. We ouly want to
say everything is good and fine, and
that’s dangerous. We are scared of so
many sides of ourselves. We deny them
and people can take advantage of this.
So irs dangerous. Therefore, it becomes
an allure, because we don't allow a re:
sense of the dark side of life, which we
have. 1 dowi mean 10 look for the dark
things; we don't weed to. But we need to
watch out and see when it's dark. And let
it be dark.

12.
тулт: What makes a Swedish meatball
Swedish?

oux: [Long fungi] 1 don't know wh
makes them Swedish! 1 haven't seen any

meatballs other than Swedish ones. We
have something called mother’s meat-
balls, We put in celery and onion and
ground meat—no bread crumbs. You
can fry the onion with a little sugar and
you can put some bubbling water in
They're delicious. We dont serve the
in sauce, We eat them with toothpicks

13.

туш: For a long time, Scandinavian
design was popular in America, What

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135

PLAYBOY

Americ

1 custom has Sweden imported
to heart?

xced by Ameri-
now, since we
have this parabolic thing for our televi-
sion sets so we c see MTV and all the
American films. In 1968, Sweden was
sull very anti-Amenic but by 1973,
we'd begun to loosen up. To some ex-
tent, the American influence is positive.
though when we get bad films, the vio-
lent ones, Swedish kids are fascinated by
them. They become popular and | don't
like th

14.

mayson: Are there disadvantages to
ine?
ous: No. [Us wonderful. Of course, we
pay those high taxes that make Ameri-

cans faint. H you have a large income.

youre taxed eighty percent

IK about private hospita
id t0 me, that is danger
everyone gets taken
c of in the best way. Day са
alized, and tha
N kids go to ilu
But now people are s

medical care,
In Sweden

s wonderful, because
best day-care ce
rüng private
tthe best teachers, be-
I dont like
r day-care centers, |

cause they pay them more
ate medicine

creates a class society

Kd someone your age
d how did you learn

ому: One should never say 1
But my idea is that you
experience out ol every-

"I see the breeze is picking up."

thing that is happening to vou. Erland
Josephson, the Swedish actor, апа 1
have quarrels about trave 1 don't
like to travel. He says traveling is the on-
ly way to learn. Econtend that you could

goto T d, to China and to Califor-
hia and still learn nothing. But you can
go imo your own bedroom and learn a

lot about Ше. It depends on how you
take things that are happening to you

16.

an gave us death and
strawberries and de Woody Alle
laugh. What did he give you?
ошм: He taught me thar it’s
ere be mystery about acting
e should be unpredictability. One
shouldn't look at it too closely. You
should care only about how to use vour
body, your voice. He's very pr:
he tan ar am early a
17.

плу: How does a good Swedish girl
survive the cold?

ous: Not easily. In the winter, it gets
dark at three o'clock in the alternoon
and doesnt get light until ten o'clock in
the morning. You go to work, из dark,
and when you go back home, it’s dark
However. E don't think that's the
essed in Sweden
We ger depressed when the light comes
back. It becomes so beauriful. We're so
aware that tts for such a short moment.
So in hurts. In America, you take it for
granted that the sun is gomg to shine to-
morrow, But in acountry where it’s dark
and cold and there's snow, and sudden-
ly. there's light—thal’s the moment when
you get depressed. The ni
when it doesn't get dark, are very sensu
ous. There's a mystery in the air and it’s

mon: Berga

mportant

met

zc

why people are so de

ighis in June.

afi

18.

тушп: Your performance in The Un-
hearable Lightness of Being probably did
more for the women’s hat industry than
any other single factor. Under what cir-
cumstances do you wear a hat
us Only when it’s cold. [Sales]

19.

тлувоу: How intimate is your rclation-
ship with the cimera?

on: Ws like throwing yourself naked
into cold pure water. The camera is com-
pletely unprejudiced. It has never seen
you before. И just r
pening and you can't hide anvihing. It's
an ideal situation.

sisters what's hap

20.

wsoy: Should wome:

pu

meresting

[y]

TERROR IN GAINESVILLE

(continued from page 130)

forced. There was one big difference
in the two-bedroom Gatorwood apart
ment, One of the victims was Tracey
Paules. The other was Manuel Tabo
an athletic 200-pound ex-bouncer
The possibility of more than one killer
had worked its hydra head into the pic
ture almost immediately. The logistics of
double homicides, in which an inti-
mate weapon—a blade—was used,
were daunting. The lone Killer would
have had 10 gag and restrain one victim
while immobilizing the other. In the с
of Taboda, the problem became even
more daunting—though the knife attack
had appare un while Taboda was
still in bed, most likely asleep. Whatever
the number of killers, with the discovery
of victims four and five, it became vivid-
ly clear that this quintet of murder and
mutilation in three acts required an ex-
penditure of thought far beyond com-
mon homicides and even the most
heinous serial murders. These were not
spontaneous acts of raging lust, Despite
the almost unimaginably gruesome may-
hem. these were not crimes of violence
st people as such; the dead. rather
were truly accident victims. There were
no indications that the victims were
linked, except by their manner of death
and the fact that they were all young,
white college students in Gainesville.

Out of those acts that are known, a
mind begins 10 emerge, though its shape
is somewhat

int and shiliing. On those
И. most likely, successive—
nights of Friday the 24th, Saturday the
th and Sunday the 26th, something
that should be called evil moved
through the rooms of Sonja and Christi-
Christa, and Tracey and Manny: It
moved with a purpose not yet fully un-
It

derstood, but it moved with force.

moved with sharpened steel

terror

ad pain and death. On those
oak-shrouded nights in Gainesville, a
kind of macabre history was being writ-
ten upon flesh. Even led Bundy, no-
table lor the sheer number and duration
of his crim as well as lor his mild
mannered disguise. could not
these depraved acis of violence, The
Gainesville killings were beyond imagin-
like encounters with a terrible alien
form. Yet the true horror and fear
from knowing that another |
and had done these things with a
ene sense of accomplishment
and a brazen showmanship. From this

sequence of fiendish carnage came the
aura Lieutenant Mann detected as ће
approached Hoyts front door, an aur
that spread like a contagion when the
communications satellites triggered
their signals from Gainesville. The m

plicable ecriness sheathing these crimes
was italicized just a few days after the

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137

PLAYBOY

138 FBI agent as well as the E

bodies of Paules and Taboda were dis-
covered, when Captain Ward said softly,
“The primary purpose is not the deaths.”

Mann shared this chilling sense of un-
сазе. He, too, understood that these
acts, seemingly without motive, went fai
beyond mere psychosis or sociopathy o
corrupted sexual drive. "I was ong
ized violence," said Mann. "This whole
thing was packaged in such a way as to
make some sort of масти The st
ment doesn't have to be verbal or writ-
ten, And when Fm talking about
packaging, Em talking about the view of
the entire crime scene. Puting the prod-
uct into a context people might try to
perceive. The person doesn’t necessarily
t vou to say Why? as much as ће
wants you to be shocked by the way he
committed the crime.”

The notion of performance
springs to mind, the sense that a ce
kind of aesthetic was at work, or being
fashioned, those hot. humid August
nights. “There was a consistency in the
posturing,” muses Lieutenant Darnell
“There was the removal of blood. The

art

objects placed within the scene were
they

were banal
nemberments
Darnell stands by the
to her office, her head cocked.
€ were gender-specific mutila-
tions, and if you had a check list and sex.
tar was one of the items on the list, you
would mark и. But there was other dis-
memberment. Ht was strange, very quiet
nd very different. And it meant some-
thing.”

Compounding this di
dient, the killer—or

strange, because
The mut

were not

doo:
p:

iurbing ingre
killersleft the

crime scenes shockingly devoid of foren-
sic links, despite те exiraord
amount of violence at each. At

Ward said, "We are very
cerned that the individual concealed
himself very well in the acts and we are

very thin threads and

shoest

Dr. Michael West, a с

ime-sc

lyst, sic odontologist and deputy
medi nine у
Mississippi, combed the three apart-

ments with atsu intensified ul-

es beyond
capacity of the naked eye. “This is
the most dilficult crime scene Tve eve
seen,” said the expert belore p

i Alle arene the alle

manipulated were free ol pri
Eve abo never seen so many

incidems of violence at a crime же

without leaving any evidence.

The situation was stupefying, and
within a half hour of the discovery of
Hoyts body, a task force began to take
shape. Along with Captain Andy Hamil-
ton of the Alachua County. sherill”s
office. in whose jurisdiction the last
three victims fell, they called the local
nida Depart-

ment of Law Enforcement’s |. O. Jack-
son, who had worked on the Bundy case
а decade earlier. They were joined by
the states attorney for the eighth circu
in Gainesville, Lennard Register HI.
and the university police. The multi-
agency force would soon swell to 178
members, including two FBI psychole
ical profilers Quantico, Virgini.

ad 40 Florida Highway Patrol officers
to beet up patrols on Gainsvilles fear-
ridden strects—making the force kug
than either the Hillside st
Green River task forces. Governor Bob
Martinez requested financial assistance
om Attorney General Richard Thoi
burgh and received nearly 51,000,000
within two weeks. The cost of t
tion would easily exceed tha
less than a month:

Not that the pi
n reassured the citizens of Gaines
ville—or kept them from taking up
arms. Floridiai
predominantly rural
ave particularly liberal views on gi
They like them and they have them.
They are a way of fife and death, But the
weapons purchases in and around

opera-
amount

esence of so many бам

Gainesville became so bullish during the
first week i ber that U.PS. was
delivering ст pres that had

sold ош their stocks of preferred cal-
ibers. Students atiended their first days
of classes carrying guns. The N.R.A. or-
ganized emergency handgun seminars.
Residents greeted pizza-delivery men
nd patrol ollicers with pistols and shot-
guns in hand. In the first two weeks of
September. 142 concealed-weapon per-
mits were issued in Alachua County, 25
percent of the total permitted in all of
1959. One official said. that figure ac-
counted for only one percent ol all the
handguns thar were out th
ville suddenly had the highest ratio of
cops om the streets to citizens of any city
in the United States and the highest pe
centage of personal weaponry. The city
was armed to the teeth—with knives.
baseball hats. numchucks, dogs and
crossbows.
The media, too, went armed to do bat-
No fewer than 30 video cameras and
a posse ol eporters turned Darnell
nd Mann's twice-caily press brich

s. Given the compellin
of the «
the media's ravenous appetite—though

ers, һай

actics. He h

ture

yes, no one questioned

reason
d lef work
one g for his 20-mile
drive home for a quick shower and
shave, only to find himself tailed by a
white Lincoln. The car followed his e
ery urn, off the interstate, onto smaller
ads, umil he finally called for backup
units, “We pinned the car in. Ein out
with my pistol, yelling, ‘Everybody out
with their hands up!” says Mann.
“We've got them down on the pavement
and we've all gor our guns on them.

among ol

their

mor

Turns out it was a Miami TV crew in a
rented Lincoln. They said, We thought
you were gomg somewhere important”

Lo be sure, TV coverage was a chal-
lenge. Just how many spms can be pui
on the grim handling of body bags or
the picture of cops sweating their shilis

front of an apartment complex?

Which is why the bottom fishers were so
cestantic wl ic depres-
sive y Ys house
in Indialantic, 200 miles southeast of
Gainesville, sobbing and yelling. “Cm

sorry. Em sorry.” TV had its picture.

.

Edward Lewis Humphrey was 1
when the Brevard County authorities
charged hin with aggravated battery on
his grandmother, 79-year-old Elna
Mlavaty. He turned 19 the Friday before
а jury found him guilty of the lesser
charge of simple battery in the second
week of October, For more than а
month. Humphrey's sad history of psy-
chological trouble was plastered: across
TV screens and front pages throughout
the nation and Europe. A UF freshman
given to surfing, skate-boarding, wear
ing camoull r, carrying knives
nd behaving erratically, Humphrey w
on a high dosage of 1
to combat his psychol

n prescribed

gical instabil
He had once thrown himsel! from his
brother's car as il was going 70 miles per
hour, leaving him with metal pins and
screws in his legs and а sad ruin of a lace
that only months before could have
been described as cherubic. Humphrey
was a damaged teen in need of serious
therapy—what he got, instead. was а
month-long hell ride in the national
press

Many people the
Gainesville killer had been caught when
they watched the heavy-lidded boy on
their TVs. shuffling in shackles with a
demented smirk on his scarred face
Students began walking alone ar night.
leaving their windows open to the cool
night breeze. But one close look at
Humphrey and his pathetic record
showed a kid incapable of making
sandwich without attracting a crowd.

Yer Humphrey was nevertheless
Пон а prime suspect” —by: both
media and cops, To obtain search wa
rants for Eddie's Gainesville apartment
his old. Cadillac and his grandmother's
house, the police developed a 75-

actually believed

had

list of items based on what they
found at the e
FBI prolilers spe
night have in his |
cluded hum, flesh, video and audio
tapes, а black hood and gloves, phe
tographs of the victims and knives with
blades more than four inches long. The
sensational list got big play in the press
and prompted wide speculation. The
Lact that this list was based not only on
specifies of the Gainesville killings but al
so on items a serial killer matching the

FBI profile might have in his possession
was obscured by the fact that Humphrey
looked guilty as hell—of something.
Humphrey, meanwhile, was held on
51,000,000 bond while everyone await-
ed test results from the Florida Depart-
ment of Law Enforcement lab in
Jacksonville

Release of the list | became sor
When the document
hit the streets, state's attorney. Register
phoned the Florida Department of Law
Enforcement in Tallahassee and request-
ed an investigation of the task force for
leaks. As soon as the two inspectors ar-
rived from the capital, a blanket was
thrown over the investigation. Darnell
and Mann returned to their regular du-
ties and only the most cursory informa-
tion emanated from the task force.
Interviews suddenly ceased, no one re-
turned phone calls. Curiously, just as
paranoia zipped the mouths of investi-
gators, Register, who had pushed the
wure button with his investigation, now
began handing out interviews right and
left. Four in one week. It appeared that
the prosecutor was taking over the in-
vestigation of the murders. Apropos of
nothing. Register informed the press
that Ward | ancer, was about 10 un-
ad would soon be le

thing of a scand

force. He did this nearly a weck before
Ward himself released the news through
official ch: Register, who had con-
templated another high-profile prosecu-
tion, of 2 Live Crew, had plenty to say
about the murders and his role, includ-
ing the news that he had had to enter
personal counseling after viewing one of
the crime scenes. During October, the
Gainesville investigation seemed 10 be
turning into The Len Register Shaw.

As weeks turned into months and win-
ter approached, the task force ground
ahead more slowly and began to lose
Although the forensics lab
ssed on with its high-tech sleuthing,
solid evidence leading to an arrest re-
mained elusive. Numerous searches
through the woods in and around
Gainesville delivered little. more than
wasp stings and blisters, Hair and blood
samples from Humphrey came back
from the FBI's Jacksonville lab, "appar-
ently negative.” according to Darnell.
The task force retreated to possible leads
it had either dismissed or put on hold
earlier in its investigation. Links 10
homicides in San Diego, Shreveport and
South С n consid-
ered, and detectives flew off in hope of
finding clues or connections.

Early in the investigation, Ward had
|. “Although we didn't realize it at
first, this person is leaving us messages
or signals, He is saying, “You're not stop-
ping me. Catch me if you think you car
He enjoys the control he is exercising
and the confrontation with authority.

H so, the killer must have delighted in

momentum.

the spectacle of so much manpower and
so much money expended with so few
results. Months had now passed since
the maintenance man opened the door
to apartment 113 in the Williamsbu
complex, and by homecoming weekend,
late in October, that grim spectacle
seemed little more than a memory. The
University of Florida campus was more
concerned about its football team than
serial murder. Although two professors
had received a substantial Federal gram
to study the psychological effects on the
community m the aftermath of the
killings, the campus had largely г
turned to normal. The usual neo-hippie
crowd gathered at Kesl's Coney Island
for plates of tempeh and rice and beans.
Down the street, the Hippodrome The
ater was opening its second play of the
season, Evita. Vin Steel
Magnolias, had been knocked off sched-
ule by a more riveting performance in
three acts, one that kept theatergoers be-
hind locked doors. But now they were
back, people were actually walking the
streets alter. sundown, enjoying the
balmy night air as they headed from bar
to dance club. Most of the young people
still moved in packs, but occasionally,
there could be seen a lone young lady
briskly stepping campus along
13th Street. Such a sight brought chills
to passing officers in the sull-watchlul
patrols

The white ribbons that had
the day alter the campus me
ice for the five slam students in
September were now ¢
The ads for Mace, burglar and perso
alarms and high-security locks no longer
choked the pages of the Alligator, the
campus newspaper. But if one listened

closely to the breakfast talk in the morn-
ing or through the kue-evening clatter
of wineglasses at. Emiliano's, mevitably,
the dark subject would surface, bringing
with it unanswered questions and a cool
breath of fear.

In the last interview Ward gave ах
mander of the task force, before the
cancer and chemotherapy pulled him
way, he spoke with unusual. intensity
about how he saw his investigation

“Most people. the public, will never
really understand how difficult this case
is. Most people still identify with TV
shows, things they see in the movies.
That's not wh
nal investigation is something like
alive. You let it live, let it mov

Ward raised his hands, extending his
fingers. “With an investigation that is
strictly bang-bang-bang, you lose too
much. You don't say fluid enough in
thought and motion to move. Your com-
manders must realize that, that the in-
vestigation"—he dropped his hands.
then raised them again, shaping the air
before him— moves. It flows. It hunts
lor its information, You allow it to
breathe and to move as you're living
through it. It... becomes an entity. And
they, the investigative team, become a
part of something living—almost sculp
tural—bur breathing.”

While Ward's investi
breathing and moving, flowing and
hunung, so is another entry. The dark
mind dancing with bright blades and
strange pictures, hungering to show it-
self. Time and place of performance re-
main unknown to all but the evil itself,
somewhere out there, watching.

[у]

co

at it's about at all. A crimi-

vi

ation may yet be

139

PLAYBOY

140

Anatomy of a Point Spread continued jron page 116)

“Where the point spreads will be posted, rows of men
sit like schoolboys waiting for the bell to ring.”

Buonantony dissents vigorously. “I have
the Bears one and a half.” he says. "Last
year, you had the same match-up and
the Bears crushed them, 35-7. And the
bottom line is that Minnesota doesn't
win on the road. They've won two out of
last ten.” The men compare notes
ne. On Tampa Bay as. De-
n, Bue
half or

antony is neutral. “Two anc
three. Either way.”

Now Roxborough calls Chris
drews, director of the Club Cal-Ne
Reno, and Andrews is in a funk
squares have been beating me all day,”
he laments. The te public
likes to bet (such rs and the
Giants) have been covering the spreads.

Roxborough — commiser then

quickly gets down to business: “Eugene
had the Bears one and a half and I had
it even,” he says.

“L had it one,”

That figur
“That's what ГИ use,” Roxborough s;
He tells Andrews he and Buonantony
are le

point spı
I knew you
it less than me

g 1o make
" Andrews says. ^I had и
three. Tampa Bay's not all that bad.”
“All the guys in М ving to
ourthink all the other sharpies,” Roxbor-
ough replies. “We're going to use th
two and a half
When all of the numbers аге finalized,
they are sent via teletype 10 Roxbor

ough’s clients throughout the state. In

guys were goii

little more than an hour, they will be
subjected to their first test. At precisely
six rw. Las Vegas time, betting on the
next week's games |
Hotel, the pl
lines origi

te. Из competitors along the
happy to concede this distinc
use if the linc is off the mark.
Hust will take the initial hits and.
allow everybody else to make the neces-
sary adjustments,

In front of the board where the point
spreads will be posted, rows of men sit in
desk chairs, like schoolboys waiting for
the bell to ring. Would-be bettors have
r names. which will be
g each to а posi-
tion at one of four wagering windows. A

pant in this lottery has to bet at
10; the maximum is 510,000 on a
me. Beuors can bet ах m
games as they please, and the Stardust is
10 change the line in response.

“Allen ].. window one, number one!
Rich S., window one, number two! Dave
Z., window two, number on The gam-
take and start

blers their positions

“On your lunch break, would you pick up a Valentine card that
doesn't commil me to anything, lovewise?”

betting, and changes in the
spreads are announced in rapid-hre s
cession. “Fresno State thirty-two! Bears
two!” Someone has immediately con-
cluded that the one-point spread is too.
low and has wagered the maximu
$10,000 on Chicago. "Texas Tech. nine!
Akron six! Rams five and a half!”

At the top of the town’s sports-bet
hierarchy, sports-book managers say, are
five or six men whose opi and
money command a degree of respect
that borders on reve You look at
the print-outs of their records,” says one
manager, "and it’s unbelievable, astro-
nomical.” When members of this small
elite make a serious bet on a game,
bookmakers may re-evaluate the point
ad.

H is the flow of money that ultimately
determines the point. spread, causing
frequent ripples and occasional tidal
waves. The aim of sports
in Las Vegas is to make sure they have
roughly the same amount ol money on
each side of a game. They want to avoid
taking risky positions on any game. So,
as the bets come in, they adjust thei
point spread, trying to balance the ac-
поп

Оп
nil

point

ng

sp

Mond some of the first
ni movement of money comes at
the Mirage Hotel. The Raiders open as a
four-point favorite over the Steelers,
and when sporis-book director Jimmy
Vaccaro taps his computer, he sees these
totals Hash on the screen: KMDERS saos.
srerters o. He will raise the line to five

d a half points and knows he may
have to go as high as six to attract Pitts-
burgh money. The one | that m
constrain bookmakers from moving а
line too much is the fear of be
dled"—losing both to the be
take the Raiders at minus four and to
those who may jump in with the Steelers
at plus sis—which is what will happen to
Vaccaro if the Raiders win by five.

The most memorable middle in
ry occurred in the 1979 Super Bowl,
which opened with Piusburgh a thre
and-a-half-point favorite over Dallas and
closed at four and a hall When the
Steelers won, 35-31, virtually all of the
bettors won and all of the bookies lost
“That was like the day Kennedy got
shot. Everybody remembers where he
ма aid Vic Salerno, owner of Lerov's
Horse and Sports Place. "I was getting
ready to get on a plane when that s.o.b.
caught the pass and made it four”

The Tampa Bay-Detroit spread lies

sig-

ors who

о-

ns
defensive starters jured and. will
miss the game. None is a stat, and the
news will not necessarily prompt an a
tomatic change in the point spread. Bi
on Tuesday morning, two sports book
at the Riviera Hotel and at Little Cae-
sar's, take substantial wagers on Tampa
Bay. Both establishments promptly raise

the line on the game to three, seeking to
attract counterbalancing action on De-
шой. Having monitored this action,
Roxborough’s company advises his od
who still have the
wo and a half, that Tam-
pa Bay should now be favored by three.
As Vegas goes about making its small
adjustments to the line, the nation fol-
lows suit—though most of the action is
outside the gambling capital. In fact,
with a huge illegal market absorbing 25
times as much money as the legal mar-
ket, gamblers betting large sums ma
prefer to do so anywhere but Las Vegas
If, for example, a syndicate wants to bet
$200,000 on Arkansas minus 12 versus

t do so in Las Vegas
the point spread to sky-
rocket. And the change in the Las Vegas

number will trigger changes from cc
to coast. But the syndicate can lay its
money down illegally before the ill
bookmaking network has had a chance
to react and. say, raise the line to 14
When that happens, gamblers will se
potential for a middle by ben
Arkansas minus 12 in Las Vegas а
Texas Tech plus 14 elsewhere. Such ar-
bitrage can account for millions of dol-
lars in wagers.

While the flow of money and inlorma-
tion may be orderly before game day, it
will be frenetic in the final hours before
kickoff. At every sports book in Las Ve-
, there will be crowds and long lines
the betting windows. There will even
be a li
Caesars Palace.
e frenzy, book
lines r;
books.

On September 23, the Chicago-Min-
nesota game attracts the most intere:
and a surge of Bears money. The
Mirage's Vaccaro has seen it coming,
“The Bears are back in the driver's seat
as America’s team.” he said earlier in the
week. “You won't stop the average guy
from betting on the Bears. But the wis
guys will never let the line go to three
points, because they know the game
should be even.” He's right. Public mon-
ey drives the line up, but when Vaccaro
adjusts it to two and a half, the wise guys
jump in on the Vikings. Vaccaro winds
up with a perfectly balanced book—
about $60,000 on Some of
his counterpart n't nearly so luck
The Stardust is overloaded with Be:
money. and loud cheers erupt whenever
the Bears score: Vikings successes br
boos or silence. Wh the Vikings”
punter fumbles a snap in the last 90 sec-
onds and the Bears’ Kevin Butler kicks
field goal that enables his team 10 win
19-16, covering the spread by half a
point. the bettors erupt in cheers. Scott
Schetter, ger of the Stardusts
sports book, is shaking his head. and he
is still shaking it at the end of the

the siooo-misine ser window
Darin the last-
akers y be ad-
pidly in an effort to

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141

PLAYBOY

afternoon. “This was a players’ day,” he
says. "I
a hundred twenty-eight thousand dol-
Lars for the afternoon.”

But the day, of course, is not over. For
the same reason that the Monday-night
game is the biggest beuing event of the
week in pro football, the Sunday-night
game is becoming the second biggest
I's the chance for winners to press thei
winnings, for losers to bail out. Unlike
the Chic

got to tell my boss that we lost

sota game, however,
the point spread for Tampa Bay and D
troit remains as solid as a rock. Not a sin-
gle establishment has moved the line
from three points. The action is evenly
split, with the public favoring the Bucs
and the wise guys the Lions

The two teams slog through three dull
periods, managing to score only one
touchdown between them, with Detroit
leading 13-9. But the final quarter
demonstrates why betting on football
can be so riveting—and so excruciating.
Tampa takes advantage of a fumble т
covery to score and go in front, 16-13

annie & albert

Y'ENOW- WE'RE
LUCKY, ANNIE...
WEVE KEPT OUR
RELATIONSHIP
FRESH...

Detroit counters by driving for a touch-
down to regain the lead, 20-16. With
less than five minutes to go, quarterback
Vinny Testaverde engineers the drive
that gives the Bucs the winning touch-
down. The extra-point attempt is irrele-
vant to the outcome of the game, but it
will have a $100,000,000 impact on the
nation’s economy. When kicker Steve
Christie converts, the final score is
23-20, and bening on the game is a
push, a chop. no decision. The only peo-
ple who will cash a bet are the few
sharpies who took Tampa Bay minus
two or two and in the week,
Bookmakers

refund everybody
else's wagers. But if this is an
tic conclusion to a day of football, no-
body will have to wait long for more

action. The point spreads for the next

will

weekend's games h ready been
posted on the big board at the Stardust,
Roxy Roxborough and his cronies are
glued to their phones and computers

and the money is starting to flow.

хе

by J. Michael Leonard

OUR LIFE PAS
BEEN EXCITING
PASNT IT P

SURE-FIRE GIFTS
(continued from page 84)
But then they tell you what they
want—but in ways that may not always
be apparent to them. These moments
occur when the two of you are passing a
jewelry store and she says, “Oh, that’s
pretty.” Happily, they also occur when
you are passing a resale shop and shi
cks up at the leather leuer sweater
from Larchmont High circa 1963. The
point is to listen to how she talks about
the things she notices. She may com-
plain about her watch, for example—
how it doesn’t keep time, how it doesn’t
quite go with her officewear or how it
doesn’t quite go with her eveningwear
Now, as it happens, a watch is a terrific
present to give а woman. 15 personal.
She wears it. Tt rests upon one of her im
portant pulse points. And every time she
looks at it, she'll think of vou. Even
after you break up and she's with some-
one else, she'll think of you when she
glances at it, wondering when this bozo
is going to take her home. But listen
carefully. Does she want a watch that is
elegant, whose cant is decidedly toward
evening? If so, you're kind of in troubl
You'll be obliged to shop at Cartier,
Tiffany or someplace else where the
wrapping looks beuer than your
ment. However, if she wants something
that'll go with everything, something
that's elegant but simple, that keeps ume
perfectly and quietly, you have some
leeway. Well-designed women's watches
come in all price ranges and in shapes
that are acceptable on а wrist that is oth-
erwise occupied with the sleeve of a
blouse or an evening dress. The sly-

boots message is always there: She wants
you to give her something that means
you're thinking of her—but also some-
thing that she knows means shell have
to think of you.

Allow time for the occasioned
Don't wait ull the last minute
brings out the worst in men. We settle
for anything. The analogy is last call at
the bar, when you mistakenly decide not
going home alone is better than goin:
home alone. Quiz her friends. But dont
accept a suggestion that smacks of the
ordinary

Among the gifts that l've heard given
that fit the premeditated category
airline ticket (pick up one for yourself,
too); a framed menu of the restaurant
where they first dined; a cluster of pine
cones they discovered together when
walking through the woods that he had
cast in Lucite: a pair of earrings she
tried on and walked around the store in
and then decided not to buy; a limou-
sine hired to take her anywhere she
wanted to go; a gilt found at the begin-
ning of a long trip that he had to carry
carefully with him for months before
giving ло her: an education about fow-
One extravagant gesture involved

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PLAYBOY

144

she ordered at her
on her birthday
he knew she'd с

one of the oysters
favor restaurant
(what worked was th:
der them).
Store-bought pieces of es

ave useful when you're just getting to
know d ad among the things

ing sizes. Scarves (from Chanel or Her-
1 classic designs) are bewilderingly
welcome wardrobe addi
ple can help here. Н:
nd favorite colors

look that seemed to say,
Well, it meant

shot me
what's it t0 you

lor to

me. and so did she, so 1 persuaded her
to try something 1 liked to smell on
her—which she “still wears, 1 believe.

Buy perfume (the fuleswength parfum)
in amounts no greater than one quarter
of an ounce, because it sours and loses
s strength. Besides, if her birthday and
Christmas are equidistant on the calen-
„she will come to expect and be com-
lorted by such yy present.

теси

THE GIFTS THAT HAVE NO REASON,

їз impossible to overestimate the i
pact of the pre-emptive gift, the gilt giv
en lor the sheer hell of it. Nothing plays

beuer than handing a startled woman
something and saving, “Here, this is lor
you. I wrapped it mysell.” These sorts of
gills tend to be more personal. An exam-
ple: A friend of mine was shopping with
his girlfriend, something he normally
loathes. She tried on an evening dress
and asked his opinion. He liked и. As a
matter of fact, he liked it a lor. So did
she, but she thought it was too expensive
па handed it back to the saleslady. Seiz-
ing an opportunity—a character
eign to this guy under
circumstances—he bought the dress. ex-
plaining to his stunned gal pal. “You
look too good in this not to have и. АПТ
ask is: Let e you someplace so vou
an show it off.
Personal items—things she might tike
h her all the time—are excellent Гог
this type of gifting. [Us surprising how
many women consider a beautiful pen,
lor example, 100 ex! int to buy lor
themselves. Likewise, a leather business
card holder is a good accompanying ges-
ture (check out the usual leather-goods
suspects: Louis Vuitton, Cartier, et al.).
Or let's say she gets headaches or is a
hypochondriac. Have a small silver pill-
box engraved for her. I she stays over at
your place а lot and finds your under
wear and T-shirts comfortable: sleep-
wear leave а wrapped box containi
pair of silk boxers (in your size) for her
lo wear. Also, there's a recycling sense to

wi

“Heaven can wail, right?”

personal items—the
is to give her somet
that been in your

ost usual example
ш (such as a ring)
amily. Ht needn't
imense a gesture. A friend of
ne found his boy-scout merit Ьай
and, as a token of his appreciation Гог
his ми леп аг ог, had the one Гог
fire-Duilding sewn on her denim jacket
You get the idea

What follows is a collection of gift
strategies that may ft into апу of the
categories mentioned above.

е Tickets to
to att
slipped into the €
flowers.

e A day at Elizabeth Arden (or
other health or beauty spa). Wh
volves is being pamp
à pedicure. a massage
ap and a facial. Any portion of these
arments would do, of course, but the
entire sidered fabulously ex-
iravagant. There is a down side: The
woman who brought this to my аце
tion did mention that every woman she
knows who has been treated to this pres-
ent has later roped the guy into marıy-
g her
е An Elsa Peretti heart (available at

second one

med
ad (а concert, opera, theater)

n event she has w

rd that companies

Jac

day is

welry or havent
vet figured. out her taste, scout out an-
tique jewelry. boses in secondhand
stores.

e Videos: An Affair lo Remember, Rebec-
ca, The Ghost and Mis. Muir, etc. The
weepier, the better

e А black-cashmere
heard about this from a
looks particularly opulent
cashmere turtleneck.

@ A cautionary word about flowers.
They are not the end-all and be-all of
gilis. Especially carnations, which no-
body in her right mind likes. Flowers are

turtleneck. E
we who

n a black-

nice, but they don't make up for an
митет, Гуе heard too often à won
compl м really mad at

other list night, and so he sends me
flowers tod Big deal. That doesn't set
tle anyt Especially iP the argument

bout something you've argued over
before. In that case, the only acceptable
message that should come with the flow-
You're right. Fm secking proles-
help.”

To sum up. the more thought, energy,
eflort and time put into the gift, the
more meaningful and appreciated it will
be. Don't rely on expense. In fact, often
times, the more expens ili is. the
more uncomfortable she is in accepting
in And when you give her son
tell her why you chose it and why vou
want her to have it

And. most importa

«ар
[y]

sion

keep the re-

JOANNE CHRISTIANSEN

(continued fram page 100)

hone of your other equipment will ever

impress her as much as your car did.”
Will she be good-looking
“Oh, yeah, in a cheap. sort of way
She'll have a body to die for, but she'll
have no taste in clothing at all. She'll be
wearing denim and polyester when you
meet her. Shell have one of those jea
jackets with the fake-looking silver stars
embroidered on them and a patch that
says HOP MOMMA OF 1 LIRE шкен. Sh
have blonde hair—dyed blonde, of
course—and ill either be all frizzed out
or done up in the Farrah Fawcett cut,
the one that went out of style ten years
age
“But her body will be ni
“Oh, yeah, shell have a body to die
but by the time you meet her, she'll
y who's driven

Lo
have doi
through her town in a T
she was twelve years old. Bur with you,
she'll act a liie different. You'll brag to
her about living in New York and work-
ing on Wall Street. and pretty soon.
she'll realize that уоште her ticket out of
New Hampshire or Pennsylvania or Ida-
ho or wherever the hell she’s from. So
alter you've done it in the back s
your Trans Am a few times, she’
you if she can live with you in New York.
No, let me change that. Shell ask you
the question right before you do it in the
back scat of your car. Shell ask you die
question just as you're about to stick
your dick into her. And you'll be so crazy
With horniness, you'll agree to take her
to New York. But you'll regret n.”
“Why will I regret it il she has a nice
body
“Well, you'll regret it every minute
that уоште not fucking her. And you'll
be fucking her a lot on the trip back to
New York. You'll stop at every I
vest stop and tell her to
back seat again. And she'll go through
the motions, because she knows that
you're her ticket to New York. She'll
moan, ‘Oh, Mark, as you climb on top
of her Shell moan, “Ob, Mark, youre
such a ma-yun. You're such a ma-yun.
Mark. Make me feel like a wo-uh-man,
Mark. Come on, Mark, make me feel
like a wo-uh-man. You're such а ma-
yun. But she wont feel anything ar all."
"But at least Pl be enjoying
“Oh, yeah, vow IL get your hori
pleasure out of it, but after the first ten
times, youll want her to enjoy it, 100, so
you can feel like a та-упп. And so you'll
hall and you'll puft
you'll pull and von
rocking up and dows

t with су

ns Am since

nd you'll push and
Ir

as Am will be
the parking lot
highway rest stop. The other
will get and peck
h your car windows to sec whats
going on. But you won't notice them,
youll be so busy huffing and pulling
and pushing and pulling. But finally,

ol the
drivers
throug

curious

"t be able 10 take it anymore а

you wo
you'll let out a groan and collapse."

“You mean, ll prematurely ejacu-
ше?”

"Yeah, thats it, you'll prematurely
ejaculate and Joanne won't be satisfied."

“Wow,”

“Yeah. and she'll say
didn't make me feel like a wo-uhanan,
you didn’t make me feel like a wo-uh-
man. Maybe you're not such a ma-yun
after all.” But then she'll remember that
you're her ticket to New York, so she'll
forgive you. You'll promise 10 do bener
the next time. Then shell ask you for
twenty dollars so she can buy cigarettes
at the track-stop diner. You'll follow her
into the diner, because you're alraid to
let Joanne out of your sight for even a
second. All the truck drivers in the diner
will st her as she walks through the
"M walk a couple of steps be-
1 her, smiling and [eel l proud

Oh, Mark, you

door. You

1

of yourself, because you think the truck

drivers are jealous, But the real reason
the truck drivers are staring at Joanne is
because they saw her underneath you in
the back seat of your Trans Am and she
winked at them while you were hulling
and pulling and pushing and pulling."

“But 1 won't be able to tell the diller-
ence, right?"

No, you'll just think that they re jeal-
ous, And when you finally ive in New
York and you're dragging Joanne'
case into your apartment building
doormen and the other people on the
street will stare at Joanne, гоо, but
for the same reason that the t
drivers stared at her. They'll stare
because they'll be horrified by her lack
of taste. They'll whisper under their
breath, “God, what a slutty outfit!’ and
they'll stare at her. But you won't be able
to tell the difference, and neither will
Joanne. She'll see the people staring at
her and she'll think that everyone in
New York wants her just as much as the
truek drivers wanted her.”

“But we'll have a lot of sex while we're
together, right
h, but sometimes you'll 1
ud then, one night, she
announce that she’s ge
back to New Hampshire or Pennsylvania
or Idaho unless yon marry her. And
you'll be so crazy with hornness, you'll
ree to marry her

“What will my parents say?”

“Well, they won't say anything bad
about Joanne to your face. They'll just
nod their heads every time you ask them
what they think of her. Maybe, if you
press them, they'll ау, “We like anyone
you ‚ Mark? Deep down, they'll de-
spise [сайте but they ll be too afraid to
say anything about it. So your dad will
go ahead and plan
have to pay lor the whole thing, be
Joannes. family doesn't have а «
HEN even have to pay the airt
Joannes parents and cousi

ус

i big wedding. He'll
m

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145

PLAYBOY

146

bridesmaids. Your mom will take Joanne
to Bloomingdale's to give her some taste
iu clothing. bur itl be а lost cause.
Joanne will just return the Liz Claiborne
is your mom buys lor her and use

on
the refimd money to buy more jean
jackets. The only pa who will i

Lo warn von not Lo n

ic will be те.

well war
yeah. FI come 10 your apan-
ment while Joanne is shopping with
your mom. СИ say. Mark. vou d have
be an idiot to marry that woman. That
woman is а complete bubblehead. She
just wants you for von IF vou
were smart. you'd put her on
send her right back to New Ha
or Pennsylvania ov Idaho or whe

the hell she came from. Гуе been your
friend since seventh grade. so yon can
trust me. She's a complete bubblehead.
Тип you'll get mad at me like vou always
do when P try to give you sensible
vice, You'll say. ‘What the hell do you
know about Joanne: You don't know the
first thing about her” And FI say. Y
dont have to know her very well to see
that she‘ Look at the
clothes sl them
nd ridicu-
You'll say.
with de
jeans, thar’s

money.

bus and

the whole thing,
nothing wio
she just likes to w
And Fil get tired ol arguing with
Listen, you're making a
few years. youll see
that I was right” You'll just glare at me
when E say that, You'll glare at me and
say. Yeah, we'll see.
Will we be friends alier the weddi
“Oh, yeah, we'll sull be f
though it won't be easy. Joanne will fi
at somehow that roll vou
md shell give me
1 visit your apartment. Shell
Sarcastic ments like “Look
"s here, irs ine Peter? aud she'll be
1 proud of her wit. And whenever I
come to visit, she'll ach nice 10 you. ex-
cessively nice. Shell sir on vour lap and
kiss yon on the cheek. She'll go our ol
her way to prove that your marti
doing fine and that I was totally wrong
abour haw it wonkd tum out. But as s
as Leave, she'll start velling ai vou a:
xd asking von for money.”
и well be having lois of sex, right?"
No. vell be hav
и. Alter
ENT

all
you, so ГЇЇ say.

big mistake. In

ot to mar
ку

ever

ny less and less vol

'r do amu

while, she we н

her flowers or
a vacation. Shell
10 go to Europe. bur alter spending
auch money on jean jackets and VE
Sassoon conditioning shampoo, vou
монт have enough cash to go to Europe
So, им
Alex will go to Disney World fora week.”
Yowl be married to Mex by ther

“Oh, veah, Mex and I will have a very
nice wedding aid we'll be happily mar-
ried, Out of pity for your situation, we'll

less vou buy

take her on

y World with von
'ooms in the Polvne
Village Horel and FI make а sched-
ule of things for us te do. But vou and
Joanne will never be able to stick to the
schedule, We'll have breakfast scheduled
for nine e'cdock and FIL knock on vour
door at eight o'clock to make sure vow re
up. but, of course, it takes Joanne at least
two hours to do her nails and her make
up and her hair. ГИ have to knock e
your door again at ten minutes 10 nine
and say, "Listen, arc you coming or not?
Mex and E can't wait all day, vou know. |
told vou about our schedule when we
started this nip. You should've woken
up that bubblehead at seven il it takes
her this long 10 get ready” Then you'll

try to make excuses for Joanne, but ГЇ
say. ‘Listen, there's no excuse. You
should've woken her up earlier Mex
d L are going to breakfast. Meet us ai
the restaurant when voire ready.
But we wont make it to breakfast,

will we?
"No, you wort. You'll miss breaklast
d a whole morning's worth of vides
and activities. You'll barely: manage to
meet us for lunch. Joanne won't even irs
10 apologize, she'll just sit down at the

table and say. "Wouldirt vou know it, 1
гип ont of ruby-red nail polish th
morning and the hotel gifi shop did

have anvthing even elow to that cole
We had to drive all over Orlando to find
another bottle. And instead ol being an
gry at her for making vou drive all over
Orlando. you'll just sit there like an id-
iot, grinning your head off, because she
ually agreed to have sex with you the
night before. Then Joanne will try to
aw Alex into a conversation about mal
Alex doesit have to use

shes. |

aturally beau-

il polish, her nails а
шш. So Alex will just sit there and nod
at everyt ys. Alter lunch
Мех will ta ide and say. "God. I
dont know how Mark сан мапа that
woman

ht before,

we had sex the nig
ши? We did have sex. right?

"Oh, yeah, you had sex, Me and Alex
bad to listen to the whole thing through
the walls of the hotel room. vou hulli
and pulling away and Joanne sere

‘Oh, Mark. you're such a таун
| mácyan. make me feel like
„come on ; Mark, make me
uh and you finally
big groan м

mi-

murely cjaculating.
Right, and then Joanne sobl "Oh.
аара акеле eal liba
ета, vou never make me feel like a
wo-uh-man ИЛ be the low point ol a
us vacation.”

c and you will still be friends,

“Oh, veah, well sull be
though FH sometimes wonder al i
worth the trouble. ГЇЇ come ove
apartment one t and we'll

ls.
s

frien

to your
vc 10

» out to dinner, just the nwo of us, bur
Joanne will overhear what we're saving
and she'll insist on coming with us. She'll
say. 1 want to go out, Mark, I just did
my hai d shell flip her dved-
blonde hair behind her shoulders with
the back of her hand, rhe same way Far-
rah Faweett used to flip her hair in the
shampoo comi
But for once in your Ме. you'll show
some backbone; You'll say, "Хо, Joanne.
Peter and 1 agreed to have dinner alone
hi. You cani come with us

vdal ten years

. But 1 just did
my hai-ver! г once, she wont ger
her way. Then we'll go out to dinner and.
vowll confide in me. Youll tell me that
айай with a woman at
work because you're not genting enough
But youll also tell me chat
you can't leave Joanne because vou still
love her, and on top ofall that, vou think
she mig
“How could she get pregnant il were
ing sex?
“he must ve been that night ar Disney
World. Anyway. alter vou finish vour
sob story, Ell advise vou to do the
le thing. whi » divorce

уоште started an

home.

sex d

eis am abor-
g stubborn

sain anne is
the girl of my dreams, 1 know we can
work this thing out” And ГИ say, Listen.
you're making а big mistake. In a lew
years. youll sce that 1 was right.” But it
wont even take a few years. Youll sce
that I was right a couple of weeks later:
“Why? Wharll happen?
“Well, on the very same night that we
go out to dinner together, Joanne will
decide to go out by herscil. She'll be
mad at you for showing some backbone
and she'll also want to show oll her hai-

yer, so shell in Queens or
Brooklyn, somewhere near a major
highway. Aud while she's si atthe
counter by herself, a truck driver will
come up to her and start talking to her.
is name will be, uh, Travis. that's it.
Travis the tuck driver. He'll be а big
bury guy with tattoos on his forearms.
He'll come up to Joanne and say. “Hey.
there, you've got nice hai-ver. and. of
course. she'll be very pleased to la
thar. Then heil say, ‘Yeah. and 1 like
your јели jacket, 100. Then the two ol
them will climb i
truck and theyll de
will

athe cab of Travis’
t then a

re

more оба mayun than
You really make me feel like
And he will, too, His dick will be a

а wo-uh

"Yeah,
with |

and Joanne will want to de it
п every day alter that, Shell in-
vite Travis to vour apariment while
you're at work and they И do it on your
bed and on your dining-room table and

on all your other furniture. You'll start

10 wonder why your whole apartment
smells like. diesel fuel. bin oher dun
that, you won't suspect a thing. Then,

one alternoon, you ЇЇ come home early
Irom work and youll walk right in on
them. You'll walk into the bedroom and
Tavis will be bouncing on top of Joanne

and Joanne will be screaming. “Oh,
Travis, you're making me feel like a wo-
ah-man, you're me feel like a
могу етан

"And they won't ev nice

You'll have to эстеши, ‘What the
i on here to get their an
Travis will look over his shoulder, but he
won't stop bouncing on top of Joanne,
“Joanne will say. "Oh, Mark, vou never
made me feel like a wo-nh-man. But
Travis here, he’s making me feel like а
h-man right this very minute. He's

w

such a ma-yu
“And

then youll ture all red. and
, Joanne, you Title sh

“That'll make Travis
and down, He'll look over his shoulder
at you again and say, What did I hear
you call the little lady

“Youll be so red-faced and angry,
you'll say, "1 called her a little shut. be-
cause that’s what she is. a litle slut. And
who the hell are you, anyway? You have
ho right to be in this apartment. Joanne
tell this hairy Neanderthal to get out of
our apartment!” Tharll make Travis real
mad. He'll get off of Joanne and befor
you can do anything. heil siam. you
against the wall. He'll just Маш you
against the wall. He'll slam you against
the wall so hard your body will make an
imprint on the plaster. Then, while
you're sliding to the floor like a wet rag,
Travis will get back on top of Joanne and
start bouncing up and down ag
Youll just lie there on the Hoor. in a
daze, watching them, Then something
You'll jump up in a

aside ye

will snap

blind fury and rush toward the bed
You'll stretch out your arms to put a
choke hold on Travis, but you won't

a close to him. Hell swat you
away like a fly, Hel hir you with the
back of hiis hand and seud you flying in-
to the wall again. He won't even bothe
10 look over his shoulder this time. He'll
just keep bouncing up and down on top
of Joanne. And then youll realize that
its а lost cause. You'll ger пр from the
Moor and walk out of the apartment
Where will Ego?

“You'll come to me, of course. And
you'll finally admin thar 1 was right
Youll admit that 1 was right when I told
vou not to marry Je nd that 1 wi
to divorce her.
And in between sobs, youll say, "Oh, Pe
Чөл E listen to you?

“And FIL say. Mark, that’s a question
youre gonna be asking vourself for а
Jon ae”

So will Joanne and I get divorced?"

“Oh, yeah, you'll get divorced. Your

even

inne
T told yon

abo right whe

ter why d

dad will arrange all the legal work. He'll
say, “Don't worry. Mark, she won
penny.” Your mom and dad will f
tell you all their true feelings. about
Joanne, all the bad things that they
stopped themselves from saying before.
Your mom will go to your apartment to
reclaim the Liz Chuborne outfits, but
Joanne will be long gone. Shell have
loaded all her jean jackets into the cab of
Travis truck, And she'll spend the next
s riding the imterstates with
Travis, stopping 10 fuck him at every
highway rest stop. She'll do that for wo
years and then she'll leave Travis lor an-
other truck driver, with an even bigger
dick. And shell eventually wind up back
in New Hampshire or Pennsylvania or
Idaho or wherever the hell she came

two уса

least keep in touch with

How could you keep in touch with
2 She won't leave a forwarding ad-
s or anything. You'll have по id
where she disappeared to. Yon won't

even know if she got an abortion or if
she had vour baby. And she’s such a bul
blehead shell immer
address. Alter a while, she wont even re-
member your name. Bur voull keep
about her for the rest of your
You'll go to bars and truck-stop din-
ers, searching for another woman who
looks like Joanne Christiansen or talks
like nne Christiansen. But by that
time, yowll be just another potbellied
middle-aged man who hangs out at bars
and truck-stop diners. All the women
who look or talk like Joanne Chris-
Hansen wont even give you a second
nee, Youll never have another rel
tionship, You'll just rent а lot ol porno
movies amd buy a blow-up doll with
three vibrating orifices. And you'll have
to be content with that until vou die.”

ely forget vour

God, what a depressing prospect.

“Its only
should've taken my advice.”

“So TI never хее Joanne Christiansen
in? Never agam in my whole life
Well, about twenty years alter she

what you deserve. You

“No, I didn't discover clothes. I discovered nudity."

147

PLAYBOY

148

leaves you, you'll see a woman who you
ht be Joanne Christiansen.
Out of pity for your situation, me and
Alex and our two children will agree to
go to Disney World with you, We'll stay
at the Polynesian Village Hotel again,
we'll be riding the monorail to the Mag-
ie Kingdom and when we stop at the
main transfer station, a mother and
daughter will get in the car and sit in the
seats across from us. The mother will be
wearing a denim jacket and denim
jeans, and she'll have a ten-pound hel-

met of completely white һай on top of

her head. Her daughter will be a cute
little teenager with dyed-blonde
Shell have a red-white-and-blue
across her chest that says wiss New Hax-
SHIRE OF MISS PENNSYLVANIA OF MISS IDAHO.
While we're riding toward the Magic
Kingdom, the mother will spend the
whole time nagging her daughter in
loud, obnoxious voice about how she
looks and how she does her hair and
how shell never win the Junior Miss
pageant if she doesn’t use Vidal Sassoon
conditioning shampoo. The daughter
will just sit there and sulk. But as мете
about to pull into the Magic Kingdom
station, the daughter will suddenly say
"Mom. why are you always pushing me
nto these contests?”
"And the mother wi
your father would've wanted it that w:
“And then the daughter will say, ‘But
you've never told me anything about my
father, I don't even know how he died.”
“Then the mother will put her arm
around her daughter and say, “Jennifer,
I wanted to wait until you were old
enough to understand. Your father wa
a great ma-yun. He helped President
Bush bring peace with honor to Central

say, "Because

America before they killed hi
а great ma-yun.”

And then what'll happen? Will 1 get
up and hug my daughter and be reunit-
ed with Joanne?”

“Oh, no. We'll get off the monora
when we pull into the Magic Kingdom
station, You'll want to stay on the mono-
ail, of course, to find out for sure if th
lly is Joanne Christian
But that would ruin our schedule, so ГИ
talk you ош of it.”

“But that woman really is Joanne
Christiansen, isn't she?”

“Well, you'll never know for sure."

“But lers say she is Joanne Chris-
tiansen. If that’s the case. then my future
doesn’t seem so bad after all. Joanne will
remember great m My
ighter will grow up thinking of me as
a great man.”

“No, you've got it all wrong. The truth
is that Joanne won't remember you al
all. She'll completely obliterate her
memory of you and put this war-hero
story in its place.”

“Oh

“So you should've taken my advice.
You should always take my advice.”

But I won't, huh:

“No, you won't. You're too stupid and
stubbori
You said you ll have two children?”
‘Oh, yeah, a boy and a girl. The boy
will be captain of his high school football
team and a Rhodes scholar. The girl will
graduate summa cum laude from Harvard
and become the

“And you'll all live happily ever aften
righ

“Oh, yeah.”

m. He was

мота

me as а

rst woman President

El

“Do I have any influence with Congres.

? Are you kidding?”

ZACK & JILL

(continued from page 75)

had a pencil mustache and а 5100 hair-
cut. His belt, suspenders and tie
matched his lavender pants. His shirt
was as white as the headlights in his win-
dow

"I know Zack," Schreiber said ack
worked here, mber? It was like
pulling gold from a tooth. Old One-a-
Day we called him. He did one card a
day and that was a good day.”

L know,” Jill said

“One times one, love.”

“I know,

“Say it was a good one.”

"OK."

Super. Let us say it was a super one.
ve still talking a super one."
Right,” fill said.

“You can give him the
Schreiber rocked forward in his swivel
chair, “If you're worried about his reac-
tion, you can do that,” he said. He rum-
maged in a desk drawer, found a gold
lighter and lit a cigarette. He smoked
the kind with the little anus in the filter.
“What you do at home is not my métier.
You're a team: give him the money.”

“You get the inventory,” Jill said
Oui. Sure. We buy Silly Gander, we
get the inventory. And we put you in
charge of the line. Same geese,
great look. My scribes.”

‘ack wrote the inventory.”
ve him the money.
•

Jill told Zack how the smoke from
Schreiber’s cigarette had crawled up his
window. How the greeting cards, mem-
os, pens, pencils and paper clips were
aged on hi
and sharp corners. Schreiber's tie
vender vith gold stripes. His offic
bigger than Zack and Jill's living room.
In his window were headlights, and cars
of all colors, traffic cops in blue parkas
pedestrians in red and green and yellow
scarves and stocking caps, how preuy
the town was in the snow.

She had a fab memory. Jill could tell
you what you wore and what you drank
the night she met she remembered
the colors of college friends’ eyes. Her
memory had been nothing to hate when
| their last year at
If it made her а four-
1 student who was unbeatable in
ed then? Zack had

rem

We

mone

same

desk, all straight lines
was

the Clammer ten years later, under а
sign that r
ted to remember one.

Pac-Man. He used to be gr
M

Jin

ad MUSSEL MEN Last LONGER, he

at at Pac-

her spoon and said
Schreiber's fingernails were manicured.
Not a nick on them, and his thumbnails,
were maybe a quarter inch longer than
the rest. How anyone remembered a de-
tail like that Zack would never know.

Sch

iber's eyes were fucking hazel.

“He really called you low?"

"Oui." Jill giggled

She was pudgy, 53° and about 130
when she kept her weight down. Red
curls down her forehead. She wore

jeans, a plain white blouse and purple
lipstick. Her blouse was open down to
the fourth button. where freckles dotted
the tops of her breasts

Zack wore sweat pants and a Bears

jersey. He was 6'1", 160. He was going
bald. Every morning, he counted the

strands i
Bo was nervous,” she said.
one cigarette right off the other.
“They called me One-a-Day
"Oni.
"Will you stop saying thar?”
“Nope.” That was another thing about
You could only get a straight answer
of her, “Bo says you could still be
əd,” she said, “but you try to make ev-
ry word the best word ‘In the be-

He lit

ncc

ginning was the Word
Nice. Нез read a book.” Zack
watched foam flecks in his beer. They

made clouds and spirals, microgalawes
of goose shit, "He wants to give vou five
K now and six hundred dollars a week,
ће suid.

Oni”

You have to do it.”

Yes.”

“When are you going to tell hint

1 did,” she said

“You told him?"

"Yes. I said ves.

.

That night, she had to shop. Got to
look smart on my first day. she said. She
needed shoes. five blouses, maybe three
skirts, a purse and a jug of Compulsion.
A smart person would wear what she al-
ready had, Zack said. “A smart person
would bank her first month as profit
You don't know how long a job is going
he said. “But it's your money
mey,” Jill said.

“Well, you're spending it.”

She skipped down the front steps ol
their lithe Bucktown apariment. Zack
followed. Jill got imo her purple and
rust Corolla, buckled up. blew him a kiss
and motored up Buck Street, 15 miles
an hour Не waved. First with five
lingers, then three, then the middle one

He went to her workroom and
touched the button under her light
table. Light filled the room. He looked
at the card she had been working on the
day before. It was a picture of a goose
He stood in her workroom looking at
the goose and wondered how he'd got
stuck in a Bucktown apartment with
girl and a goose.

Jill had an MEA. from NU that
meant “shit,” she always said. “Any doo-
fus can read up on Monet and Manet

Man Ray and pass tests. It doesn't
mean you can make pictures
She could. Zack used to like to watch

her scratch dots. and dashes at this
cramped light table in this closet of a
workroom. Her scribbles made no sense
until she was almost done with a card.
then in three or four strokes, a picture
popped out. It was like watching a Pe
laroid develop

Her specialty was geese. She drew fat
artoon geese with huge eyes and stupid
grins. Her ganders had thick necks,
hairy chests and lewd bulges in their
swim trunks. They smoked cigars and
chased Jill's girl е, Who wore petti-
coats, had absurdly long eyelashes and
drank parasol drinks.

Zack and Jill launched Silly Gande
Cards in their second year together, She
drew her ge he wrote the words.
HONK IE YOU LOVE МЕ. HOLD. ME, LOVE МЕ.
сосе ме. He and. Jill sold their cards a
dozen at a time to shops in the Loop and
New Town and on Rush Street, Most
months, they sold enough cards to pay
etimes, there was money
for movies, or for clothes and ar sup-
plies for her or a case of beer for him.
Zack and Jill spent long mornings in bed
telling themselves how happy they were
Even when rhe cards didnt sell and din-

ner was popcorn and Bake,
they said they were lucky. They stayed
up late, slept late, never punched a clock

rd, they
line:

and if they never sold another ea
had h other. She was a cle
godliness freak who would not cat in
bed without putting a towel down first,
and he was а slob who coulkdirt re
magazine without getting peanut butter
on it, but they seldom argued, and when
they did, they sexed it out.

One summer, when the cards didnt
sell, Zack got a day job at Schreiber
Cards. He wrote 29 cards in eight weeks,
D il you count. Now THAT OUR DIVORCE 15

FINAL ruck you, which Bo Schreiber
laughed olf as “too true” 10 sell. When
Schreiber took him to lunch, Zack

thought he might be getting a ra
“IES not that it sucks,” Schreiber said
alter two drinks. “Some of your stull is

funny. GOOSE MELE YOU WANT TO GEL DOWN—
Hove it. This is not about quality. This is
about economies of scale, Zack. But, Do
1 throw you to the wolves? No, I want to
give you forty a card.”

“Forty more.”

Forty per. Free-lance, The best thing
about it for you is, you get to make your
own schedule.

“You're frin
“No. Well. yes. H you w 10 be liter-
al about it. Гат firing you, but one sec-
ond alter that, Pm hiring you
“Fuck you, Bo.”
1 can be bet

er this way, Zack. Ten

a week at forty per is what? Sixteen hun-
dred a month.”
“Filly,” Zack sai

“E cart pay filty. E never pay fifty."
“Filty.”

You win,” Schreiber said.

In the next three years, Zack did not

| су

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149

PLAT 2 OF

150

sell Schreiber Cards one word.

Old women who ran card shops told
Jill she was gr You have such a talent,
dear. You have such а talent, but yo
have 10 remember is a seasonal busi-
ness. You can sell cards a dozen at a time
sometimes, but v a
those months vou doi
wary, March, August, September. Do you
dear? Do you know how much
ag people get for one picture?
$ nder stayed ahead of the mar-
ket for a while. Zack and Jill had the
usual holiday and birthday cards, but
they also sold happy-divorce cards. немк
пе you Love YOUR FREEDOM. They had a
cosmetic-surgery card. тозе YOUR NEW
похкке. They had happy-opening-da
cards baseball fans, terrible-twos
cards for young parents, salvation an-
nouncements for born-agains and uae
pez cards for lapsed Christians. Their
tppy4Oth-birthday card showed a
goose in a hospital bed and read vorm
NOUGEF LING OLDER, YOURE DYING.

The market caught up. First the New
fown and Rush Street shops and later
the shops in the Loop and on Michigan

Avenue began selling offbeat cards from
k and Schreiber. Zack knew he
1d fill were in trouble when he saw Bo

Schreiber's seer у, Пећ
blonde in a bl ather sl
sweater, buying every Silly Gander card
in a Loop shop. Two months Later, he

saw a window full of Schreiber opening-
day cards in a shop on Michigan

.
me.” Jill said. She woke up all
She woke, got lonely, woke him.

the tim

“W time

“Late,” she said. "Kiss me.”

Zack remembered. She had gone
shopping. he had gotten tired of w

and crawled into bed. Now her grand
ma's quill bunched under his bui and
bound his (eet. Zack kicked and the knor
lightened. He kissed Jill's arm and
rolled toward sleep. but she was quick.
she kissed him hard on the mouth. “I
love vou,” she said.

Me. too, you.”

Do yous
“Sure. What ti
"I hope you do.
He covered her left hand with his and.
"x ам her

tapped his wedding i

y. "Click," he said.
lick,” she said

.

Trussed for success in a white blouse,
bolo tie, black skirt and No Nonsense
conivol-top panty. hose, she twirled а
shoe on her finger. “Without heels, 1
look squatty." she said

"Good morn

“Do you think T need the heels? 1 do.
she said. Zack handed her a Pop-Ta
She stuck it into her mouth, leaned on
the fridge and «d her foot into the

“My doubts are of a theological nature, Orville. Pm

not sure God intended bicycles to fly.”

shoe, “No wy wum wer eel?" she said
"Say ШЕЕ
She extracted the PopLart, “Do you
know why women wear heels?”
“To be taller
“No. They make our butts stick out
Long. long ago. when we were cave
women, we used to stick out our butts
n hear. Men still like it.”
u hear tha

when we were
Where did y

"On МРК.

7] guess i s true”

Wish me luck.” she said

“Ido.

“Ilove von.”
“Don't be late”
ШЕ to Sel
the front steps and w
he went inside and t

He paced the ap:
pencil and a legal pad.

T think that 1 will never see, he wrote.

“A what?”

1 valentine so good to те. A Tine so

Sweet. kind, gentle? Plump?“

fine that she, like thee,

"Mister Interior Rhyme,” he said.

Can

“Do what? She, like thee, can skin her
knee. She can see. She can pee.”

Outhourgeors the bon

“Senor Socialist.” He tor
the pad. wadded the verse
kicked it inte the kitch
Milkioast, a fat orange
most of its life hiding, zipped ош of
nowhere to bat the wad under the stove.
The cat looked at Zack as il its toy had
vanished into thin air
“Idiot”

Zack had his legal pad in his right
hand and a Blackwing .602 in his left
The Blackwing had an ink-black lead. [i
was sharp enough to make an
the paper if he pushed too hard

т. Zack stood on
ed to her. Then
1 t0 work

iment, lugging a

ind drop-
s cat, МИ.
abby that spent

sion in
Ac-
the bookworm in the
Steinbeck wrote with
a Blackwing. Ditto Thomas Wolfe and
Archie MacLeish. Zack paid а doll
apiece, money he had ло bum front Jill,
lor Blackwings.

Lowe, he wrote.

Is what?” He crossed it out

If vou lave somebody,

He tore the page off the pad. He
wadded it, kicked ad followed it to
the fridge. He got a cold beer, took it to
the living room and sat on fill’s black-
leather sofa, He put his beer on the cok
fee table. The table was black teak and
like everything else in the place, it was
Jits. When he and Jil consolidated
apartments and moved here eight ye
ag is Elvis records, or
crates, stereo, softball trophies, bowling
ball and becr-can collection and kept her
sul She said men have no style sense

He should have argued. He should
have said yes we do, it's just inexact. but
he was weakened by twice-a-day sex,
back rubs and her constant harping
about what a fine man he was. He

othe

she tossed

carried his stulto the Dumpster for her
Her walls were white as Schreiber's

shirt. Her baseboards and ceiling were
black. ‘There was a white rug under the
coffee table and three pictures

chrome frames on the wall, One was a
copy of Dali's Toreador. The oth
painting of a cigarette butt and one of
cube on horseback. The magazines on
the coffee table—Grajix, Lineart and
Greetings World—were hers. He was sup-
posed to use them as coasters for his
beers. He lefi this beer on the wood,
where it was sure to leave a mark.
Yo. Valentine, he wrote.
Too street.” He crossed it out

s were

You make a world of beauty with your
warm and loving way.

You make me happy, Valentine, with all
the things you say.

“That's nice.”

1 feel sa lucky, every day,

To think that you are mine.

And that’s why 1 am proud to say
That you're my valentine.

Jackshit. Bo will love it. Let us go for

Roses are red, darling,
Violence blue,

Tam me and you are you
If die before Fake

“Ache, bake, cake, quak

Thanks for ull that Shake ‘n Bake.

He spent the rest of the day watching
aps on her TV. What he liked about
aps was that each character had а
meaning. The people on them were
hunks or Heathers, priests or drunks,
sluts or corrupt politicians, nice or
sty—always one or the other. Nobody
d to put out
and nobody just sat around
watching soaps. Between Light and Rest-
Tess, he went to the medicine cabinet in
the john and got Jill's ranks. They were
„а quarter inch across, with a mi-
in the middle, He ate one and
his pocket.
.

Alter work, she dropped her keys in
the soup bowl on the kitchen counter,
where they kept keys. coins, postage
stamps, paper clips. pens, pencils and
X-Acto knives. She hiked her skirt
stripped off her panty hose and stull
the wad into the
she sa

p

wite and still w

hid three

ash. “Never again
1.71 have creases in my delta."
nt at Pop?

oes to
„so their feet

ago, they used to tic up little girls
keep them from gi
would be petite for the

“Everyone knows that,” Zack said.

“didn't. [think its awful."

She went to the john and showered
the workday out of her hair. He could
hear her singing. Jill always sang in the
ower. Tonight the tune was Sillin’ on

the Dock of the Bay.

Zack sat at the kitchen table with the
sports page and a beer. He tried to read
but couldn't help hearing her sing. 71
can't do what ten people tell me to do,
she sang. Then the water stopped. He
heard the shower curtain snap open as
she stepped out of the tub.

“Zachary!”

She called him 1 then came
words he couldn't quite make out. This
was her wheedling voice. She pitched it
just low enough to make it impossible to
decipher at this distance, to make him
get up to see what she wanted. He went.

"Oui?"

She was naked except for

h-towel turban on her head. Po
ban at th
she an

white

her
head,

was
suller
" she said.
s the toilet, honey."

“On the seat. What is that on the
seat?"

He slipped past her for a closer look
and saw yellow drips on the seat. "Is it
beer?" he said.

“No.”

“Is it Mountain Dew

“No,” Jill said. “It's w

He nodded. “Mi

Yes

He wiped the seat with toilet paper
He wadded the paper. dropped it in the
bowl and. flushed pping past her
on his way out, he felt Jill's stare on the
back of his neck. Don't turn around, he
thought; if you mrn a ay as
well piss on the sez

“You don't do d
dont cook. You dont make tli
You never do laundry and 1 dor
you to, You drink out of the milk

c, 100,

pund, you

What do Esay when you do that?
You say use a glass.”
"Wrong. I don
the

Most of

say anything.
ime, 1 don't say anyth
Гарртес

te it, too.”

You don't know how many times,”
a

You don't notice how many times 1

put the toilet seat up.”

How many?”

1 don't know. One in three.”

That means one in six.”

“Don't go away, fans—this is still
anybody's hockey game!”

151

PLAYBOY

152

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nae кул

“Probably.

“Maybe ws a boy thing.” she said.
“You want to mark your territory, so you
spray it around. But you know I hate i
D sit on that. Here Lam. sitting in urine,
and E don't know, but maybe you could
give this one thing up."

“You win.”

1 don't want to w
10 put the scat up."
Eat these.” he said. Не gave her the
pills.

What arc they

| just want you to

"Calcium. Thi > One-A-Day Plus
Calcium. Working women need it.” he
said. “T saw п on Oprah.

e" she said.

One-A-Days are ora
Not these.”
he ate them.

А

“Tm going to read
She had а Grafix under her arm and a
toothbrush in her hand.

“It's seven o'clock.

“Bed, bed.”

“Til be in.”

He took his time doing the dishe:
When they were Zack clean, he stowed
them in the cupboard the usual way,
der the perfectly clean dishes she |
done, to delay discovery. He tightened
the faucets on the sink and made sure
the fridge door was shut. He locked the
front door, killed the lamp in the living
room, filled the cats bowl with brown
and yellow pellets and stood outside the
john door, listening, fill was brushing
her teeth. She rinsed. gargled and spat
He waited. She always brushed twice.
Brusha brusha, rinse, gargle, spit

He picked the sports page out of the
» He checked the м
Bulls were in first by a ңа

xo. By the time they lost to Detroit in
June, as they always did. n would
go for 60, the I would win by
two Zack could be three months gone.
He mashed the paper and killed the
kitchen light. The bedroom was dark.

Lin the dark?
"Jill said.

“How can your
“Want to cuddle,

He stripped and joined her in bed.
ove

him and
and. thighs

She threw the quilt
spooned him. H
pressed his back and his butt

“Kitchen light

The lamp in the living
"Oui."
"Love vou," she said.
wanted to sleep, but it was weird,
she said. She could hardly keep her eyes
open, she said, bur even more than
sleep, she wanted t0 talk, to tell him cv-
erything, because he was part ol it. They
were still a team. “Do you know what Bo
did? When I showed up

"E dont know.

"He Kissed my hand. I get off the ele-
vator and there he is and he bows, says

welcome aboard, and he Kisses my hand.

Schreiber kissed her hand and walked
her around the office. He showed her to
his secretary, Debi, the blonde pirate
Zack saw buying up Silly Gander cards
in the Loop, and to Kate and Gina
“these slutty-looking typeserters," and to
Joey Horton, а smi 1 who
shook her hand as if it wei ty. Bill
wondered why Joey hated her. Two rea-
sons, Schreiber said when Joey was out
of earshot, One, he likes gents and, deux,
you're getting his office.

How fab her office y
see it, Zack.

Tell me.

“Earth tones. All decp-brown carpet
and cork walls, Well, from the ceiling to
the middle, cork. пи the middle to
the floor, they're this deep forest green.”

“Sounds deep.”

“This big window. It looks out at a
hedge and the parking lot. Cars, cars
Ihe sun on the cars and, oh, I forgot.
forgot the best. The best, and it's mine,
this huge light table, 175 pir
chrome all around the edge
lights. Three lights!
cents and this one on a long arm you can
mes up like this and vou ¢
bend it up here, or there, you can put it
right down on the work and yo
the ink on the paper.”

Beuer than your table here.”
1 never got up! Bo asked me
nch, but I didit go. 1 just stayed and

ky ca

"You have to

Two long fluores

п see

drew and drew. 1 did three.”

“Three geese,” Zack said.
“Cards,” she whispered. “I did.” She
zoing and he hated her lor it, for
“Kiss.” she said. He

kissed her

You're not my trouble, he thought
You are not my trouble, but you're close
You smile in your sleep. You go to sleep
thinking how lucky you are, with you
home and job and love all in place. 1

wake up sweating and there's the moon
in your window, There goes another
night's sleep. Mv eyes adjust to the dark
and I sec your smile, One night. I hated
it so much F tried to shake you awake. Т
shook you and you opened your eyes
You were asleep, but your eyes were
open and you said, “I love you.” I got
out of bed and got my sweats on and ran
around rhe block 20 times.

“Three lights." Jill said.

Zack kissed the gulley
sts, the thin hairs on her belly and
the red neules below. He waited. He
she tried to talk, but

between he

bre:

waited in

she w
He got out of bed and felt his way to
the closer. He dressed in his Bears jer-
pants, Nikes and а windbreak-
er. Wait, he thought, E need pockets, He
peeled off the sweats and got а pair ol
jeans [rom the hamper. Pulling the jeans
over one leg, he hopped to the kitchen
nd got his wallet from the soup bowl.
He had $30. He was proud of himself.

because he didn't raid her purse. Не
stufled the wallet into his pocket, got an
X-Acto knife from the bowl, slipped the
plastic shield off the blade and sneaked
to her workroom.

Her light table here wasn't much. |
was plywood with one fluorescent. and
no chrome, He touched the button un-
der its wooden gutter, There were three
spits of light as the bulb switched on. It
shaded the pencils and erasers in the
gu Light fell from there to her chair
The chair was br tin with а red-vinyl
which was dented by the imprint of
her butt. Light fell to Zack's shoes to
bookcase behind him and, between dl
bookcase and the wall, cat eye:

“What are you looking at?
Milktoast.

Zack sat in Jill's chair On the table was
no longer in progress, the card
she had drawn vesterday. It was a goose
with lampblack under its ey
b 1 bar slung over its wing
Cubs cap on its head, an opening-day
card. Zack took one of her pencils and
wrote on the goose.

he asked

her we

TII root for the home team

If she don't win, ИУ a shame,
Bul it’s one, two, ten years no
And this is how I end the game.

He used the X-Acto to cut Silly С
егу last card out of the onionskin
per on the table. He took the card to Jill.

Her fingers were asleep, He had to
pry the thumb and first finger of her left
hand apart, then close them on the pa
per. She stirred and tried to talk. “Not
tonight,” he said, kissing her mouth shut.

Zack walked. He went into the john,
felt for the toilet h his shin,
found the seat pissed im tl
dark, aimless.

On his way out, he left the front doc
open. If the world wanted in to watch
her smile in her sleep, let it. He took the
front steps two at a time

The sky was all stars and the stars
buzzed. The buzz could have been the

scat w
and

phone lines running up and down Buck
Street, but Zack liked thinking it was the
stars, hot things in a sky so cold he could

see his first free breath.

He sprinted four blocks the first
nute, two the next, then one. Stop-
ping to catch his breath, he heard his
theat in his

One of these days, you'll get in
ape." he said.
He ^d another mile before ће

turned back

Going up, he took the steps one at a
time. He locked the front door, went 10
bed and spooned her. Jill was long
but when he touched her, she smiled
а said, "Mmm." Zack took Silly Gan-
der's last card from her hand, rolled it
into a ball and kicked it at the window.

El

SISKEL & EBERT

(continued [rom page 70)
consistently dared to be photographed
rol. Lappkiud him.
1 want films to open up in the bedroom.
lOs an area that obviously a lot of people
are conflicted about.

PLAYBOY: Pornography and sex in the
s lead to the problems with rat-
s. For a long time. you two lobbied
a new rat so that movies such as
Henry & June and Wild at Heart wouldn't
be stigmatized by an X rating. What
wok the Motion Picture Association of
America so long to adopt the NC-17?
sisket: The real test is whether studios
ke NC-17 films, whether theater
s will play them and whether th
will advertise them. If not, then
NC-17 will be as restrictivo as the N.
PLAYBOY: Along with your crusade
against the rating system, уоште con
cerned with the change in value systems
in film schools, aren't you?

orgasmic, out of con

EBERT: | feel 1 the film schools are
more commercially oriented than ever
They used to have the values of the lib-

eral arts schools; now they are more al-
lied with business schools in terms of
their values: success, money. achieve-
ment and power rather than vision,
imagination, truth and social chan;
PLAYBOY: юнг value systems sometimes
comes to tear

go awry whe ws cach

says yo
can't wear а brown on cam
because you look like a mud slide.

A's one of Gene's feeble at-
tempts at humor. Gene also says 1
there's a dollar bonus for any came:

WE buio

“Marry me, Francine. Run with the bulls.”

man who can not take a close-up of me.
One of the liule-known things about
Gene is that [rom the height of an astro-
ng the earth, the only objects
ble are the at Wall of China and
his forehead. He has the only receding
hairline so spacious that it has applied
for its own Zip Code.

PLAYBOY: You guys əy taking shots at
ach other, but can we cut to the bottom
ine?

EBERT: In the context of an interview li
Um almost being prompt
ћу. 1 do admire him
t deal more that
. Esee more of Gel
e in the world. except

it circ

this. lito al

m a gr you
ight think. As it
than anybody els
for my girlfriend.
SISKEL: He knows me better than any-
body out ny family and, in cer-
er than anybody else ii
the world. Whatever else I may think of

very good pe

on

an exceedingly good friend,
though.

PLAYBOY: There. See, we knew it.

SISKEL: Sometimes I feel | am trying cas-
es every week with Roger as Hamilton
Burger and me as Perry Mason.

EBERT: He would choose Mason, because
that’s probably the extent of his interest

1 fictional detectives, Gene has always
wanted to be a trial lawyer and has real-
ly felt he was wasted on film criticism. 1
would not have even thought of choosing
Perry Mason. Now, what does that mean
in terms of his rigorous thinking?
SISKEL: What it means Is —
zentlemen. Enough

153

PLAYBOY

154

TWIN PEAKS са from page 110)

“Mel Brooks described him as
Mars.’ Lynch didn’t mind:

Jimmy Stewart from

‘Mel isn’t Mr. Normal.’”

short in which a group of heads vo
and then burst into flame, then a fou:
minute — live-action/animation blend
called The Alphabet.

His marriage on the rocks, he went to
Los Angeles when the American Film
Institute gave him money to make an-
other film, a live-action short in which
an abused child grows himself a new
grandmother, Watching The Grandmoth-
ays Nance, is "like sitting for hall an
n the electric chai

He also lived in the American Film 1
мише, having a friend lock him in a
dark room each night to elude the secu-
rity guard.

He made Eraserhead, a nightmarish
movie in which a couple gives birth to a
monstrous child in a claustrophobic ur-
ban setting. He began work on the film
in 1971 and planned to shoot it in s
weeks. Instead, it took more than fi
years and wasn't released until 1977. On
that project, everybody pitched in: Coul-

er,
hour

son, who was hired по play a nurse,
wound up playing several other parts, as
well as doing Nance's hair

He borrowed the money to finish
old

Eraserhead From his parents, his
friend Jack Fisk and Fisk's wife, Sissy
Spacek, among others. The cast and
crew began by making $25 a week, then
took a voluntary cut to $12.50, then to

nothing. “We all helped raise money,”
remembers Coulson. “I had a waitress
job, and David had a paper route, and
we'd buy a roll of raw stock a week."
Lynch looked at Coulson one day on
the set and got an idea. “He said, “When
you put on your glasses, Catherine, 1
just saw а log in your arms.” she says
“And we talked about doing a TV series
one day.”
He sa

A Eraserhead was inspired by
Philadelphia. Others suggested that it
was also inspired by his own terror after
the birth of his daughter. “I guess it's ac-
curate to ‚” he says.

He started meditating

He got married a;
sister, They had a son fiv

lor seven ye
shake and several cups of coflec, s
bling ideas on пары
He collected chunks of wood that he
found on the street while delivering The
Wall Street Journal. He used them to
build a series of elaborate additions to
is garage.
His r was revived in 1089, when
Mel Brooks saw Eraserhead and asked
n to direct The Elephant Man. “Some
days,” he says of his big break, “the pres-
sure

"That's Sue-Ann Wells, one of our new pledge:

She's presumed innocent.”

natory terror of Eraserhead’s urban land-
scape and imbued other moments—lor
instance, a procession of circu
through the woods at night—with an as-
tonishing poignancy. Afterward, Brooks
described him as “Jimmy Stewart from
M Lynch didn't mind, he says, Бе
cause "Mel isn't exactly Mr: Nor

He won an Academy Award
tion for The Elephant Man, and a deal
with Dino De Laurentiis to direct Frank
Dune. He
did so with a fetishist’s delight in gadg-
etry and goop but without much sense
of how to deal with the near-con:
planation and expositi
the labyrinthine story. He also chafed
under the size and pressure of the pro-
duction, which took place in Mexico
City. Dune was a flop and Lynch swore
never again to direct a movie unless he
had final cut

He got another divorce.

He made Blue Velvet for De Laurentiis
in 1986. About an aflable young man
who becomes obsessed with uncovering
the violent, erotic underbelly of a small
town—"I don't know if you're a detec-
tive or a pervert,” his girlfriend tells
him—it was based on ideas Lynch had
wled on the napkins at Bob's Big
Boy. While he was shooting the scene in
which Dennis Hopper successively wor-
ships, abuses and rapes Rossellini, Lynch
laughed uncontrollably. It was a shock-
ing, startling, original movie that may
have saved the life of Nance, who'd been
row and was “dyin
mil Lynch rescued him
in the movie. It also did won-
ders for the careers of Roy Orbison,
Dean Stockwell, Kyle MacLachlan and—
not nually—Lynch himself.

of projects for De Laurentiis. He w:
weeks from rolling the cameras or
Saliva Bubble, with Steve Mart
Martin Short, when the De L;
studio went bankrupt.

He was fr a Hill Street
Blues writer and story editor. They wrote
One Saliva Bubble together and collabo-
rated on Goddess, from а book about the
death of Marilyn Monroe. Their agent
told them they should do TV. They
pitched NBC on a show called The
Lamurians, about aliens. The network
passed. Then they came up with the idea
for a small Northwest town and the
murder that exposes the town's dir
crets. They wrote it in nine days and
shot it in 2: ed it

Lynch made Wild at Heart. ТЕ Blue Vel-
vet and Twin Peaks showed the placid sur-
face of a small town and then delved into
the sickness that lay beneath, this movie
was a road trip through a landscape
where the sickness was all on the sur-
face, garishly lit and inescapable. Unfo-
cused, sprawling and messy the film

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PLAYBOY

156

won the grand prize at the Cannes Film
Festival. That announcement was greet-
ed by a chorus of hecklers, led by Roger
Ebert

Roin Peaks was nominated for 14
mys. Because of Academy rules, only
half of the two-hour pilot was shown
the Emmy judges. It won only two mi-
nor awards.
ynch put on a tuxedo, went to the
mony and had fun. Back-

dingy room where they'd eaten most of
meals during the making of Eraser-
head; the Food Room they called it.
"Look, Cath!" he exclaimed. “From the
Food Room, here we are at the Emmys!
Isn't it a wonderful world?”

LI

David Lynch and I are talking on the
phone. It's the morning after the second
episode of Ruin Praks, which is ge
ratings far higher than anybody had ех
pected. The previous night's installment
ended with a dream sequence that in-
cluded Agent Cooper, ars in the f
lure; a one-armed man who says he cut
off his arm because of an evil tattoo on
his shoulder, and who then identifies
Laura Palmer's killer; a Laura Palmer
look-alike; and a dancing midget who
speaks garbled English. It may well have
been the most surreal five minutes in the
history of network television. And even
Lynch, who used to claim that Tivin Peaks
was just a regular show. knows it.

So. lask Lynch, do you still think Zaun
Peaks is a normal TV show?

Yeah,” he says. "In a w 1 do. AL
though when little Mike [Anderson] was
dancing last night, 1 thought to my-
self, This is something, you know, per-

haps... unusual for television.”
Suddenly, I have trouble hearing him,
because a workman is drilling holes in

my office wall to install a security syste

1 apologize and explain to Lynch what's
going on
^] thought someone was being tor-

tured back there,” he says mildly.

No, L assure him, that’s not it
he says, “thats good.” But
s a trace of disappointment in his

voice.

.

Here are some other things we know
about David Lynch:

He says he drinks 20 cups of coffee a
day.

His favorite doughnuts are chocolate.
"Man," he says, "they are so good." He's
also partial to jelly ones, and “sometimes
а very superfresh glazed.”
He uses words such as ne:
nd cool and peachy k
He tries to get eight hours sleep a
night

He likes order. “He с
clothes now, 5 Coulson. “But he still
has ten shirts that are the same and just
wears a clean one every day.”

He doesn't like to analyze himself, or

and golly

afford nicer

his movies, very much, He once went to
an analyst to look into a particular “habit
pattern” that was troubling him, but he
stopped when the shrink warned him
that figuring it out might affect his ere-
ativity

He plays things close to the vest.
When a reporter asked him if he were

secretive, he said, "Uh, that’s a po
bility, yeah.” When he was shooting
Eraserhead, under the auspices ol
the American Film Institute and on the
grounds of the L, the head ol
the - film school took several пи
bers of the board of directors to meet
Lynch. He chatted with them amiably

THE

bo you get the feeling that something is
bothering David Lynch? While a lot of
Kein Peaks is good loopy fun, some
parts of the show are downright dis-
turbing. Which can also be said about
the entire body of Lynch's film work,
from Eraserhead to Wild at Heart. We
ted some themes and images
throughout
sked our experts to

have isol
that resonate
оғите and then
lift the lids.

Lynch's

OEDIPUS VEN.

In Wild at Heart, Marietta—Lula's

mother—confronts Lula's boyfriend in
the men’s room and there, over the
toilet, makes a play for him. The moth-
er characters of Fivin Peaks ате either
sexless ciphers or flawed by paralysis,
Icoholism or psychic visions.
Dr Harvey Greenberg (a New
York-based psychoanalyst and author
of The Movies on Your Mind):
a powerfully strong vision of woman as
destroyer, as death goddess, of moth-
п some monstrous way ruling the
earth, There seems to be a lot of anger
and violence around sex and he gets
sex confused with birth in some way.
Along with this vision of the monstrous
ne, there is an idea of the weak
or passive male who is trying to discov-
certain things. Now, clearly, there
a lot of Freudian fandangos going
on here.”

Dr. William Cheshier (a Chicago-
based psychotherapist): “Why does he
portray the mother [making a pass]
that way? It's an extremely ridiculing
and humiliating position to put her in
From the man's perspective, it's a fan-
tasy of having the mother as thc young
girl and the mother as his mothe
100."

Lynch has

WE LIKE TO WATCH

ng something that was al-
ways hidden,” Kyle MacLachlan says
in Blue Velvel, after he has hidden in
closet and watched kinky sex between
two strangers who call themselves
Mommy and Daddy. Lynch's charac-
ters love to go into the closet, or into a
secret passageway with a peephole.

Dr. Justin Frank (а Washington.
DC-based media psycho;

“He's tapping into the mind of every-
one who watches television and who
goes to the movies. We are all looking
without being seen. And Lynch is mak-
ing a play on our own interest in things
prurient and juicy without our having
to take any ibility.”

Dr. Gi ing that
Lynch keeps choosing Kyle MacLach-
lan as his main character. He plays the
all-American guy who is a pervert. And
he has to be looked at as Lynch's alter
ego.

Dr. Carole Lieberman (a Los Ange-
ased psychiatrist and script con-

ce

nt): “Voyeurism relates to the
Oedipal conflict. A child can see his
parents having sex and be both

aroused and frightened by

DYSFUNCTION JUNCTION,

From Lynch's point of view, the
ing place
h is a poisonous

world i

а wholesome-appe:
to live, But underne
center: People and nature are corrupt
violent and lustful. Both Twin Peaks
and Lumberton, the town in Blue Vel-
vel, ave squeaky clean on the surface
yet rank with squalor and deceit be-
hind the facade.

Dr. Cheshier: "Lynch is dealing with
the hypocrisy that exists in society: the
way things are versus the way things
appear, that which happens versus th
which we want to think happens. We
repress stulT. we experience things un-
iously. We don't want to have

experiences directly, because
they are too terrifying. But Lynch
wants to delve into that contrast.”

Greenberg: "Lynch is like Hitchcock
pushed to the nth degree. Hitchcock
was another guy who was deeply р
occupied with things’ not being as they
appear. And with Lynch, menacing,
disgusting things absolutely explode
out of the seamless face of
therefore, you can never be truly sale.
However, Lynch's vision 15 very com-
plex. Those opening sequences in Blue
Velvet where you see the perlect house,
the perfect lawn, the perfect fireman,
and then there's the severed with
the flies eating it—well, there's. no
doubt that he feels that behind that
facade of perfection is a trip to hell.”

cons

some

He said to Rossellini, the first ime
they met, “You could be Ingrid Berg-
man’s daughter.”

The friend who introduced them said.
“You idiot, she is Ingrid Bergmans
daughter.”

He persuaded his friend and cine-
matographer Frederick Elmes to let him

He once said his life was divided into
innocence and naiveté and sickness and
horroi

He lives in the Hollywood. Hills in a
house without much niture. He
doesn't allow cooking in the house, be-
cause he doesn't like the smell. Oc
sionally, though, he sends out for pizza.

side the stables where he had been
shooting for so long. Then they looked
at the padlocked door to the set and po-
ely asked if they could look ins
he said.

He has a rem;
son. кее

ка

Iso we

#22

БА,

Dr. Lieberman: “This isa symbol f which Marietta. coats her entire face in The Elephant Man, My =
quently of a dysfunctional family, espe- with lipstick—giving the impression atomically grotesque.” 7 NS
lly where children are being abused. — that her whole visage is aflame with биб

Part of the rage of children who ha blood. HASTE OB VOU ENT TO ЮИ

ized is that their family
al to the rest of.
behind the white
as all this evil and

been traum;
appeared so пог
the world, while
picket fence, there w
п going oi

LIGHT MY FIRE

Talk
yearnin’. Both Blue Velvel and Wild at

about bur chur and

Heart feature close-ups of flames or
matches being struck. At times, the fire
appears before the last burning stretch
before sexual fulfillment. Then again,
it is sometimes murderous: In Wild al
Heart, Marietta has hei

torched by her gangster lov

Тит Peaks, the note—written in

blood—at the site of Laura Palmer

murder reads, Ik with me.”
Greenberg: “He's got a hellish imag-

ination. There is a red thread of the
nlernal that runs through his work—
including all that steam hissing in the
beginning of The Elephant Man and the
charnel-house imagery in Eraserhead.”
Frank: "It can be а religious sym-
id it can also stand for , love-
making and home. But mainly, it has to

ion. When people dream
es, they talk about devouring,
Fires are very oriented with the
mouth, and so is Lynch.”

Dr. David Turkat (an Atlanta-based
media psychologist): "The classic signs
of a disturbed psyche in a male child
imals, bed wetting and
fire setting. Fire images tap into anger
and a feeling of powerlessness.”

Dr
bol

ASANGUINE SMILE

Se

w of Lynch's women
strange brand of lipsi
blood. When Hank cuts Je
finger with a knife in Tien Peaks, sh
as the cut over her month as if it
were a brand-new tube of lipstick. And
when Sherilyn Fenn cident vie~
um in Wild at Heart, dies, the blood
flows out of her mouth to outline her
re are many oth ex-
cluding a psychoanalytically
ble scene from Wild at Heart in

wear a
own

memor

Greenberg: "Along with the mon-
suous feminine, there's an odd feeling
of female victimization in Lynch

work. With both of these images ol
women, Lynch is looking at sexuality
as extremely sadistic, repellent and
confuse M with birth image:
Dı kar “Where there
wur a maine Fea da aggression tend
to meld together. Cer
relationships between men and wom-
en, men feel more insecure; there are
more demands and expectations being
put on them, they feel. And so they
tend to strike back with whatever pow-
er they have—that is, physical force.
Lieberman: "It is an image that rep-
resents the combi эп ef sex and vio-
lence, showing not only that a kiss is
passion but that violence is connected
to it. With the blood being worn as lip-
stick, it tui
mother figure.

sa

s the character

lo a

WHY NOT TAKE ALL OF ME

You can't go far into Lynch's oeuvre
without tripping over some severed
body part: In Eraserhead, a little boy
picks up a man's decapitated head and
carries it into a factory. In Wild at Heart,
clerk. searches frantically through a
sea of blood for his severed hand; the
next shot shows a scruffy dog trotting
out the back door with the hand in its
mouth.

k: "Imo psychoanalytic terms,
severed body parts are about castra-
», symbolically for Lynch,
it may have to do with a kind of impo-
tence and a form ol fragmentation in
that people are not relating to one an-
other. There is an absence of knowl-
edge of one part of the body—the
head, the hand, the ear is separated
from the whole—so there is an absence
of connection. 1 think he's talking
about those kinds of issues in American
culture: that we are essentially denying
to ourselves our own destructiveness.”
berg: “This ties into his vision
of weak, passive men: It’s always the
men who a maimed. €

A SECRET?

In the world as Lynch sees it, every-
body is concealing something. except
maybe Agent Cooper. Still, Cooper
does tell Audrey, “Se are danger-
ous things.” Certainly, that’s true in
Lynch’s sphere: Secrets killed Laura
Palmer in Tinin Peaks and sent Lula and
Sailor on the road in Wild at Heari. Bur
what can you expect when we know
only a fraction of wh ally going
on? And what is hidden or unex-
plained threatens us in what we can
only imagine.

Greenberg:

tis r

"His i

a paranoid eine-

а.

Cheshier: *

эт a metaphysical lev-
el, it has to do with al ness or laneli-
ness. When we experience trauma or
terror, we experience it alone. Aln
by definition, one cannot have group
And when that is experienced
and we lose our connect with oth-
ers, itis a terrifying experience. To ad-
mit that is to bring it back again. So wi
keep it a secret.”

Lieberman: "There are several kinds
of secrets he could be dealing with: the
secret Oedipal desire of wanting 10
e sex with your mother and the se-
стег of abuse or trauma.”

st

AND IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS

Lieberman: “My opinion is that
David Lynch is struggling not only
with his Oedipal conflicts. 17 he were
my patient and he presented me with
the same stories and images that ће
presents in his work, 1 would pursue a
line of inquiry destined to try to reveal
pressed. memories of possible

and physical abuse.”
"Lave to wonder if Lynch
trauma—possibly in a
very violent way—as a child.”
enberg: “His overwhelming con-
re where we come from and
where we're going and how that hap-
pens. And his creativity is shot through
with all kinds of hellish, violent and
ery.”

MARCIA FROELKE COBURN

some

cerns

157

PLAYBOY

158

direct a short scene when Elmes was
asked to test two tape stocks for the
МЕЛ. The scene, titled “The Amputee,
featured Coulson as a double amputee
The A.EI. bigwigs went to see the test.
expecting to see two static shots of a gray
scale; when they saw Coulson sitting in a
chai aps, writing a let
ter, one of them said, “Lynch had some-
thing to do with this, didn't he?

He's tough on actors. “He's a killer to
work with, in a lot of ways,” says Nance.
“If theres something about you thats
bad, he's gonna focus on it and blow it
way up, until it's awful. He sees some
kind of, I don't know, aesthetic quality in
these flaws and defects."

He's loyal. He uses the same actors
over and over. When Eraserhead finally
secured a distributor and seemed likely
to make some money, he called his cast
and crew together and ме the con-
tract to give them all a substantial share
of those profits. To this day, they get
check;

He wrote a performance-art piece ti-
ted Zudustrial Symphony No. 1 with
adalameni for the Brooklyn Academy
of Music. While working on it, he told a
saxophone player he wanted him to play
"big chunks of plastic." The scary thing,
says Badalamenti, is that the guy knew
exactly what to play.

He paints. His latest show was pre-
sented by the Leo Castelli Gallery, one of
New York's most prestigi The re
views, however, were terrible.

He has shot television commercials for
sion perfume.

He's preparing a book of his pho-
tographs. H is devoted entirely to photos
of dental equipment

He writes a weekly comic strip called
The Апртем Dog in the World. Wt was in-
spired, he says, by а time when he was
filled with rage. The strip is exactly the
same every week: four near-identical
panels showing a stylized dog, rigid with
anger. chained in a back yard. ‘The only
thing that changes is one panel of dialog
coming fiom inside the house. Example

with her two stu

n't il wonderful the way nature provide

“In this world, there seem to be several
theories which differ from one another
to a considerable extent,”

He is obsessed with his work. “He
cares an awful lot about working,” says
Nance. "That's all he does. He's a real
dull guy.”

He once diss
sides.

He has a uterus boule in his
house. He didn’t ask for it. It was a gift
from a friend who'd had a hysterectomy.

He says that ideas are “the most im-
portant things,” but he doesn't under-
stand where they come from. He has
figured out, though, that he gets more
ideas if he drinks lots of coffee and in-
gests lots of sugar.

ted a cat to study its in-

б

So пом David Lynch is firmly estab-
lished as the eccentric artist du jour, plac-
ing him alongside such avant nerds as
David Byrne and Elvis Costello, ungain-
ly outsiders who have managed to deliv-
er their seemingly threatening, rarefied
taste in a form to which the masses
respond, Or it can be put in simpler
terms: He made a TV show, it did a lot
beuer th ost people thought it
would and now he’s famous and making
a lot of money.

He likes the money, but he’s not so
sure about the famous part; sometimes,
he thinks, it gets in the way of the work.
But for now, Lynch is facing a more seri-
ous probl
recognized in a restaurant: Where de
he go from here?

15 not like his future is assured, by
any means. Certainly, he’s more bank-
able than he was after he made Eraser-
head от Dune ог Blue Velvet. Lots of
studios would like to have him aboard in
order to boast about landing David
Lynch. Bur at the same time, Hollywood
is hardly willing to throw unlimited
amounts of money at a man simply be-
cause he made the cover of Time. For all
its impact, Fein Peaks has never been a
top-rated show: Alter a terrific debut last
spting, it quickly fell in the ratings, and

than what to do when he

for

us—whenever we get hungry, all we have to do is reach into
one of these things and—voila!—food!”

this season's numbers have been consist-
ently lackluster. And Wild at Heart, de-
spite winning the big award at Cannes,
was an outright flop at the box office.
Meanwhile, the backlash started. Wild
al Heart was widely attacked, even by
some who loved Blue Velvet and Foin
Peaks. Other fans of the series were fru:
trated by the way Lynch and Frost toyed
with the audience in dragging out the
search for Laura Palme killer, sull
others by how, afier its remarkable d
but, the show lapsed too easily into the
trap of mocking its characters, play
Lynch's gallery of misfits: strictly
laughs. And yet, at the hi
Peaks, there's a darkness that
there's something disturbing, ugly
brutal, something that can't be shrugged
off with jokes. In his best moments,
Lynch is unafraid to make the show not
only amusing but fright
those moments, one с:

re.

The trouble is, it’s hard to tell e
what form that future will take. Since be-
ginning work on Лот Peaks and finish-
ing Wild at Heart, he has collaborated
with Frost on American Chronicles, a doc-
umentary series for Fox t offers im-
pressionistic, often wordless views of
ies and people; despite
slightly offbeat approach, it’s one of the
Teast bizarre projects he has ever worked
on. And beyond that, he has kept quiet
about his plans. “I think he would пке to
have a sustaining power,” says Coulson.
He would like this not to be a brief flash
of fame but to continue working. I think
he really wants Fin Peaks to continue.
He loves the long format of the televi-
sion series, and he likes getting to know
these characters really well. And I think
he would like to continue to explore fe
ture films,

Lynch himsell thinks back to some of
the projects he worked on but aban
doned over the past years. “Ud still real-
ly like to make Ronnie Rocket,” he says of
one of the film projects he recently got
back from the ruins of the De La
Entertainment Group. “It’s been
mind for so many years now that i'd be
hard to do, but I do want to make it
some day.”

Chances are, though, that hell come
up with something else, obsess over it,
bble notes and then do what he does
when it’s time to make a movie: come up
with 70 scenes and write them down on
3"x 5" cards.

When he gets on to something. you
know that he's hot for it,” says Nance. "1
mean, Blue Velvet was going on years and
years before he made п. When we were
doing Eraserhead, 1 was over at this little
shack where he was living, and he had
done this litle pen-and-ink drawing of
this rustie roadside tavern with antlers
over the door, and this big neon мл

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160

Playboy increases your pur-
chasing power by providing
а list of retailers and manu-
_facturers you can contact di-
rectly for information on
where to find this month's
merchandise in your area. To
buy the apparel and acces-
sories shown on pages 20,
102, 103 and 161, check
listings below to locate the
store neavest you
Killer Colognes
Page 20: Hugo Boss

feld photo at Macy's,
shall Field's, 111 State
60602, 312-781-1000; Fole

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Pages 102-103: Silk boxers, clockwise
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is. 1030. Westwood
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sau Street, Suite 405, М.С. 10038,
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By Manmer de France, 219-714-9590.
Under Wares Inc., 1098 Third
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Page 161: Umbrellas,
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hicago 60611, 64-3290; 108
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415-081-1700; 457 North Rodeo
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3

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10118, 212-714-9590. Mark Christopher
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10010,

verver sign. He
that one of thes
Velvet. I's gonn
gonna do it one of th

Now, says Na

we, he doesn't know of

any similar passions in Lynch’s Ше. Be-
sides, he adds, “What do you do after
the cover of Time magazine? That's like

the of death or something.

Ontkean remembers one idea of
Lynch's that just might blossom at some
future у

we were havi . You know, it
would be a
abus with ami

you know,

at idea if we could just get
mal, skeleton crew—
ik-

like the Merry Pr
the bu: id head
op and do a few se
id then see something on the other
side of the road and do something with
that. Just completely wing it, film the
whole journey. and then, at the end of it.
we'd see what we ы der-
fully childlike ad great
way to work id I bet he does it one
1 bet he just says, “Now's the time to
o matter how complex
come on him, he has it

And now we'll end w

scene people
He has finished his tun
and his French frie

‚spec fr

keep saying funny things about
^ he explains, “what I feel
t everybody has obsessions

ns and desire:
и different. And if we
1d more al
he
pict

And if
sci stuff
, then they see that
youre different from the nd then
they call you different things.
He goes to the counter to pay. He
bums ani so that he'll have
tc though they v
here often enough that they'd. let
slide on the nickel.
He walks outside. I tell him PH let him
back to work.
'Okey-dok
V thank hi
“You betc
And then, in
a the di

mor
you"

seen

ew of the нопухооп
avid Lynch shoves

sign

wislied grin on his face:
slice of blueberry pie and
a few cups of coffee bubbling through
his system, the good ideas ought to be
any minut

it

.

— UP WITH THE UMBRELLA — —

he Pharaohs sat under umbrellas to protect themselves
from the searing rays of the Egyptian sun. Romans found
that the device could keep them dry, too. Today, a hand-
some cab hailer should be part of your urban wardrobe
For maximum protection and sturdiness, look for models with at
least a 40-inch span when open that have a minimum of eight

ling-silver handle
brella, by Burberrys of London, $17

steel ribs and a steel shaft (other metals tend to bend ог break),
plus an automatic opener for easy action on blustery days and a
sheath for strolling when the sun comes out. While a black cover
remains the classic look, there are also some great plaid styles. But
what really distinguishes one umbrella irom another is the handle.
To get a grip on the right brolly for you, check out the ones below

Clockwise from 12: Italian-made polyester-resin alligator-head umbrella, from Comoy's of London, about $50. English-made umbrella with a ster-
‚ from Marshall Field & Co., Chicago, $700. Golf umbrella, from Alfred Dunhill of London, Beverly Hills, $110. Seat-type um-
|. The Prince of Wales umbrella featuring a Malacca handle, silver collar and a warranty stamp, from Geoffrey

5 Parker, Beverly Hills, $258. Italian-made green-and-blue-striped umbrella with a lambskin handle, from Bottega Veneta, Beverly Hills, 5165.

Where & How to Buy on page 160.

GRAPEVINE- м

Idol Chatter

dent in style with a
hot tour (with guitar-
ist Mark Younger-
Smith), a platinum LP,
Charmed Life, and a
role in Oliver Stone’s
film bio of the Doors.
As you can see, his lat-
est love is bigger than
life, Much bigger.

PAUL NATKIN PHOTO RESERVE INC

A
Family That
Plays Together
Have you checked out the FAM-
ILY STAND? The debut album,
Chain, had a hot black-chart sin-
gle, Ghetto Heaven. The band
toured with Ziggy Marley and is
collaborating musically with Paula
Abdul and Chaka Khan. Not shab-
by company to keep.

Apparently Transparent

Starlet BRITTANY is so cute she
needs to go by only one name.
Maybe you caught her in Road-
house at the movies or in a na-
tional Toyota ad or on video in the
Girls of Rock N’ Roll calendar.

If you missed her in any of those
places, don't sweat it. Here she

is now, in much of her glory.

KEN S

Main Squeeze

Musician BRUCE HORNSBY and
his band the Range have a gold
album, A Night on the Town, have
toured extensively and are work-
ing on a contribution to the Rain-
forest Benefit LP. Look for Bruce to
play keyboards on some upcom-
ing Grateful Dead dates and per-
form the national anthem with
Branford Marsalis at the N.B.A.
All-Star game this month.

ооу MARK LENDAL

61990 MARK LEIVDAL

le d

Feathering Her Nest

When we asked actress KIRSTEN ASHLEY to get comfortable, she
took us literally. You saw her in The Fabulous Baker Boys and Fear
No Evil and on TV in Get Smart Again and the Laker Girls movie, But
you didn't see her like this, did you?

Depp Perception

Yes, that's actor JOHNNY DEPP sending photog-
raphers the universal hand signal, followed by his
honey, actress WINONA RYDER. Look for both
in the new film Edward
Scissorhands
and for Wino-
na in Mer-
maids with
Cher.

KEVIN WINTER/DM

Dr. Feelgood

Actress LISA GIBSON caused heart palpitations on TV's old Baywatch
series and at the movies in The Coven. She can check our pulse
any time. She has already massaged our heart.

WERNER W. POLLEINER

164

LOVE FOR SALE

Want to wish someone special
a happy Valentine's Day in a
very special way? Contact
Love Letters Ink, a ghost-let-
ter-writing service in Beverly
Hills that specializes in beau-
tifully crafted letters on a va-
riety of subjects —and that
includes serious sentiment.
Personalized versions of let-
ters contained in Ink's cata-
log are priced from $17 to
$20 and are written in callig-
raphy on exotic Japanese
floral papers that are then
rolled, tied with a satin ri
bon and sealed in a color-co-
ordinated tube. (Our favorite
is number 57, which begins,
"I woke up this morning with
a smile on my face. Just the
thought of your kiss, the re-
membrance of your touch,
the echo of your voice makes
it easier to face every da
Custom letters created from
scratch are $55 a page. Mas
terCard and Visa accepted
Call 800-448-WORD for all
the intimate details, you ro-
mantic devil, you.

CHILLS AND THRILLS

Actors who'd like to improve their action skills, wanna-bes who hope to
t into the movies via stuntwork or free spirits who just enjoy a rough
id-tumble good time should check out MDEG Stunts & Special Ef-
fects’ 15-day South Texas Stunt Tour Camp. For about $2500, stunt
arranger, fight choreographer and actor C. H. Morris will lead you
through on-location workshops that include aerial stunts at the Texas
Air Museum, scuba diving off Padre Island, bar fights and horse stunts
at the Alamo Village, plus body burns, bullet hits, high falls, car crash-
effects and more. The price includes

єз, speci fare wit
lodging, one m id a personalized jacket. For more
tion, write to MDFC at 1506 East Austin, Harlingen, Texas 7

a day

POTPOURRI

MAKING BOOK ON
FIRST EDITIONS

Since a jacketed genuine first edition of
The Great Gatsby in mint condition would
cost upwa ds of $10,000, you'll be
sed to learn that The First Edition
PO. Box 654, Holmes, Pennsyl
5 offering reproductions
of the first-edition copies of such classic
American literature as Gatsby, A Farewell
to Arms and Tender Is the Night for only
$39.95 each, postpaid, including a slip-
case. (The 17-volume series goes for a
price Gatsby could afford—
more information, call 800-

WILD BUT NOT WOOLLY

For the tossers and turners of the
world, there's Count Sheep, a five-dollar
audio cassette containing 30 minutes of
slow, methodical sheep counting from
“One sheep” to... We never did finish
the cassette. Or, if you like to read in

bed, browse through a copy of the
Count Sheep pocketbook, a 250-page
softcover with 65,000 images of sheep
organized into rows for easy counting in
any language. The price: seven dollars
For where to baaa, call 212-696-1926.

HOWDY BOOTY

In 1967, a Monkee-Mobile
that played а portion of
(Theme from) The Monkees A
was just one more TV-in- 4
spired toy. Today, is /
worth about $600.
You'll find this and

other video ephem- f4
era in Hahe's Guide to | [

TV Collectibles, by Ted
Hake, which lists the
market price of boob-
tube-inspired goodies,
including the Milton %
Berle Make-up Club Pin at
right ($50). The book is $18
sent to Hakes, PO. Box
14447, York, Pennsylvania
17405. Tune in

THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC

Ifthe custom love letters included in this month's Potpourri

don't win your ladylove's heart, there's always the New Orleans
Historic Voodoo Museum, 724 Dumaine Street, New Orleans

70016. Its stock in trade is sexual talisman:
goofer dust, penis dolls and even Marie Lav
# Nine. A six-page catalog costs a buck. No guarantees

is-gris bags.
u's Love Potion

SIGN OF THE PHARAOH

You'll just have to take our
word for it that the Egyptian
cartouche shown here depicts
Playboy in hieroglyphics. And
if you'd like a sterling-silver
or solid-gold cartouche pen
dant or ys personalize
with the name of your fa-
vorite Nefertiti, then give
Cartouche Lid. а call at 800-
AT-EGYPT. Prices range from
about $30 to $200. (They sell
gold and silver chains, too.)
Allow eight weeks for deliv-
ery. Of course, the cartouches
are handmade in Egypt

very s-bo-w-by.

BACK

ЈАС

То commemorate the th anniversary of the
Jack Daniel Distillery, the good old boy:
Lynchburg, Tennessee, have commissioned a
one-liter lead-glass decanter in a limited num-
ber and filled it with their famous Black Label
whiskey, Best of all, the bottle is priced at only
$30; a booklet that recounts some of the dis-
tillery's history is induded. Pour yourself a
glass and read tonight by the fire. There'll be
questions in the morning.

TOP TIPS

The debut copy of “The Best of the Best Travel
Newsletter” is stuffed with such getaway savvy
as "The Best City Ethnic Neighborhoods” (De-
troit’s Greektown, South Philly, the French
Quarter in New Orleans. etc.). à street-smart
guide to Chicago, tips on the nation's best luxu-
ry lodgings and more. The price for a year's
subscription is $39 sent to “The Best of the
Best, 0 North Michigan Avent ite 2100,
Chicago 60601. Hot tip: New Y смем
Hotel Gem” is the Macklowe on 44th Street,
with doubles starüng at $199.

165

NEXT MONTH

SMART HOME

“MADONNA-RAMA”—FIND OUT HOW THE BLONDE
PLAYGIRL OF THE WESTERN WORLD MADE UNTOLD
MILLIONS SELLING ONE PRODUCT: HERSELF—A RE-
PORT BY MICHAEL KELLY, ILLUSTRATED BY OLIVIA
DE BERARDINIS

“CUBA LIBRE”—WHILE YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM
HERE, YOU CAN FLY THERE VIA OUR EXCLUSIVE PIC-
TORIAL. CLIMB ABOARD AS COMMUNISM'S LAST CAR-
!ВВЕАМ OUTPOST GEARS UP FOR TOURISM

“IN THE CLONE ZONE”—WHAT BETTER WAY TO RUN
A MILITARY DICTATORSHIP THAN THROUGH DOUBLES
(UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE COPIES PLAN A COUP OF
THEIR OWN)?—FICTION BY ROBERT SILVERBERG

“SHOWDOWN IN CINCINNATI"—MEET THE REAL HE-
ROES IN THE OBSCENITY TRIAL OF MUSEUM DIREC-
TOR DENNIS BARRIE, WHO DARED TO SHOW ART
BY PHOTOGRAPHER ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE—BY
JAMES R. PETERSEN

"DEATH COMES TO BEVERLY HILLS"—THE REAL
STORY BEHIND THE BRUTAL SHOTGUN SLAYING OF
HOME-VIDEO CZAR JOSE MENENDEZ AND WIFE KIT-

CU SM IR

MYSTERY CELEBRITY

TY, WHOSE SONS WERE ARRESTED FOR THE BIZARRE
MURDERS—A REPORT BY ROBERT RAND

M. SCOTT PECK, THE AUTHOR/PSYCHIATRIST WHOSE
BEST SELLER THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED JUST ACED
OUT THE JOY OF SEX IN ALL-TIME SALES, SPEAKS HIS
MIND ON SPIRITUALITY, EROTICA AND POP PSYCHOL-
OGY IN AN ENLIGHTENING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

“GANGSTER CHIC"—CAN YOU TELL MA BARKER
FROM BONNIE PARKER OR MACHINE GUN KELLY
FROM MACHINE GUN JACK MCGURN? TEST YOUR
KNOWLEDGE OF AMERICA'S MOST LEGENDARY CRIMI-
NALS IN A QUIZ YOU JUST CAN'T REFUSE TO TAKE—BY
WILLIAM J. HELMER

PLUS: JUST FFFOOOOOORRRE YOU: PERFECT YOUR
SWING AND LOOK GREAT ON THE GREENS—FASHION
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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking |
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury. Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.