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GOOD COP? 


INTERVIEWS 


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ETERNO 
^ FORMEN A 
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PLAYBILL 


TWO VIDEO EVENTS jumped out at Americans this year. The first 
in mid-January, was the image of smart bombs hitting, pi 
pointed targets in Baghdad with startling precision. ‘The sec- 
ond, every bit as powerful, was the beating of suspect Rodney 
King by Los Angeles policemen in March—video-taped by a 
civilian trying out his Camcorder. The high-tech, low-U.s 
casualty war against Iraq inspired pride among many 
cans; the bi аск on King stirred up a profound un 

In this issue, the controversial and outspoken L. 
chief Dery! Getes, the man taking the flak for the 
dent, is grilled by Diane K. Shah in a Playboy Interaew you won't 
want to miss. Half a world away. uccess in that short- 


lived Gulf war was attributed largely to bombs with maps in 
Men 


their nose cones and fighters no one could see. In The 
fiom DARPA, John Sedgwick examines the little-known ci 
think tank credited with much of the sophisticated military 
hardware we watched in awe on CNN. Mike Benny contributes 
the illustration. 

The aftermath of that war has prompted some to ask, Why 
did we encourage rebellion and then abandon the rebels, no- 
tably the Kurds? The answer comes as no surprise to Con- 
tributing Editor Asa Baber. In Jf You Can't Walk the Walk . . . Don 1 
Talk the Talk, he finds plenty of precedent for Uncle Sam's 
spotty loyalty. Another enlightening look at the past is Lenny 
Lives!, a profile of the wild comic genius Lenny Bruce by Joe Mor- 
genstern. Thirty years ago, Lenny was arrested for obscenity— 
a sobering thought in today's climate of censorship. 

Here at Playboy, naturally, we're also mindful that this is 
summer—and time for leis y 
golf? Did someone not say go 
have reached epidemic proportions, so in The Golf Crisis, we 
offer some help to separate the men from the duffers, includ- 
ing The Perfect Lesson, by the pro's pro, Phil Ritson, and Q School 
Confidential, Kevin Cook's unnerving report on golfers who 
struggle to make the big time. In A Conversation with Lee Tevi- 
no, the happy Mexican reveals his partners for an ideal fo 
some: Arnold Palmer, Bob Hope and Jesus Christ. The opening 
and closing illustrations are by John O'Leary. 

Spotting today's trends is child's play: The big bucks await 
those who can psych out tomorrow's marketing bonanzas. In 
Back-to-the-Future Stuff, Melcolm Abrams and Harriet Bernstein do 
just that, keying us into upcoming goodies that range from 
holographic food and liquid sunglasses to self-parking cars. 
It's all from More Future Stuff to be published by Viking Pe 
guin; Georgenne Deen did the artwork. Another man with his 
finger on the pulse is Contributing Editor Ken Gross, who of- 
fers good news and bad in Playboy's Automotive Report. The 
good: When it comes to quality deals, consumers are in the 
driver's seat. The bad: Thanks to a sluggish economy and 
the Gulf war, the car industry is struggling. 

Craig Vetter hits a gusher this month in Boomlown, his grip- 
ping tale of life at a Wyoming oil rig (excerpted from the 
forthcoming book Strike It Rich from William Morrow & Co.). 
Considerably less harrowing is Robert Downey, Jr, who teveals 
how Molly Ringwold beat him to the Maalox in a spirited 20 
Questions fired by David Rensin. 

Just right for this most outdoorsy season is California 
Dreamin’, a batch of the Golden State's stunning sunny best. 
British actress/model Amanda de Cadenet, once celebrated as 
the "Wild Child," shows us a thing or two about growing up, 
with help from photographer Bob Carlos Clarke. Las Vegas 
Playmate Corinna Harney, à n" herself, rolls all sevens as she 
cs tempe res rise, So find yourself some shade and a 
comfortable hammock—it's gonna be a scorcher. 


O'LEARY VETTER 


hu. 


RENSIN 


CLARKE 


Playboy (ISSN 00: 


Subscri the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issu 


39-1478), August 1991, volume 38, number 8. Published monthly by Playboy 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-class postage paid at Chicago, 1 
i . Postmaster: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51 


national and regional editions, Playboy, 
nois, and at additional mailing offices. 


5 


Reet mational Ltd. АП rights reserved, 


Reebok 
the Tazz house last night. 


PLAYBOY 


vol.38 no. 8—august 1991 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL...... Е ade s ROSE RES 5 
DEAR PLAYBOY палете, Pa ee SEP Hoes 13 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS cds UE 19 
STYLE A 3 E و‎ л, E 
MEN С 0... ASABABER 37 
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK: QUEEN NANCY— opinion * ROBERT SCHEER 39 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 3 a а 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM - TE ts n E 45 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DARYL GATES —candid canversation 55 
BOOMTOWN—fiction tee s CRAIG МЕТТЕК 70 
YESTERDAY'S WILD CHILD—pictorial 3 er 74 
LENNY LIVES!—playboy profile ers = 3 JOE MORGENSTERN 82 
PLAYBOY COLLECTION—modern living. . . $ a * 84 


BACK-TO-THE-FUTURE STUFF—article ... < 2 
MALCOLM ABRAMS and HARRIET BERNSTEIN 80 


VEGAS WINNER—playboy's playmate of the month ........... aa 94 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES —humor MARE 106 
THE MEN FROM DARPA—article vto ...... JOHN SEDGWICK 108 
20 QUESTIONS: ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. . . ee seem 110 
THE GOLF CRISIS г Aare Ss E 112 

A CONVERSATION WITH LEE TREVINO .-JOHN ANDRISANI 114 

THE PERFECT LESSON— instruction ...... PHILRITSON 116 

Q SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL—article z > KEVIN COOK 118 
GREAT BOWLS OF FIRE—food CE, TES JOHN OLDCASTLE 120 
PLAYBOY'S AUTOMOTIVE REPORT—arlicle...... ۴0 ..KENGROSS 124 


CALIFORNIA DREAMIN'—pictoriol . 5 Bere 
IF YOU CAN'T WALK THE WALK... DON'T TALK THE TALK 一 memoir . ASA BABER 138 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE я E ius 169 Auto Report 


COVER STORY 

A ton ond lithe Coprice from L.A.'s Flame Models indulges in some Colifornio 
dreamin’—and so do we in o Playboy pictorial dedicoted to the best and the 
blondest girls of summer. Our cover wos produced by West Coost Photo 
Editor Morilyn Grobowski ond shot by Contributing Photographer Stephen 
Wayda. Thonks to Alexis Vogel for styling Coprice's hair ond moke-up ond to 
Optical Outlook of Los Angeles and Beverly Hills for the Corlier sunglosses. 


E WD CET WEEN PAGES 32-33 PHILIP MORRIS SMOKERS SURVEY INSERT BETWEEN PAGES 44-45 IN ALL DOMESTIC COPIES DAKOTA SINOIN CARD BETWEEN PAGES 68-67 


PLAYBOY 


10 


EH 
E 
E 
© 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER ari director 

GARY COLE photography director 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; YETER MOORE 
senior editor; FICTION: auch K TURNER editor 
MODERN LIVIN! DAVID STEVENS senior editor 
ED WALKER associate editor; вети TOMKIW assistant 
edilor; FORUM: mxr mw cun psassistant editor 
WEST COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL edilor; STARE 
GRETEHEN EDGREN senior editor; JAMES R- PETERSEN 
senior stuff writer: BRUCE KUGER. BARBARA NELLIS 
associate editors; CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO SRS- 
ат editor; oux USK traffic coordinator; FASH- 
ION: HOLLIS WAYNE director; VIVIAN COLON 
assistant editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY edi 
for; COPY: SRIENE BOUKAS editor; LAURIE ROGERS 
assistant editor; MARY ZION senior researcher; LEE 
BRAUER, CAROLYN BRONNE JACKIE CAREY, REMA 
SMITH researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: 
ASA BABER, DENIS BOYLES, KEVIN COOK, LAUKENGE 
GONZALES, LAWRENCE CHOREL. KEN CROSS anfom- 
five), CYNTHIA MEISEL, WILLIAM 1. HELMER, WALTER 
LOWE, JR. D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, REG 
POTTERTON, DAVID RENSIN. RICHARD RHODES. DAVID 
SHEFE, DAVID STANDISH. MORGAN STRONG. BRUCE 
WILLIAMSON movies 


ART 
wer managing director: BRUCE MANSEN 
LEN WILLS senor direclors; ERIC 
KRISTIN KORJENER 
lors; RELLY. O'BRIEN 


kerc 
CHET SUSKI 
SHROPSHIRE associate directo 
JOSEPH PACZEK assistant dir 


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© 1991 Playboy Enterprises Inc. 
А producto! PLAYBOY Int., 680 Lakeshore Drive, Chicago. Il. 60611 


junior director; ass semi. senior keyline and 
Paste-up апы: вил. NENAS PAUL CHAN art 
‘assistants 

PHOTOGRAPHY 


MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor: LINDA KENNEY, ИМ LARSON. 
MIGHARL ANN SULLIVAN asociate editors; елт 
newer assistant edilor/enterlainment; STEVE 
CONWAY associate photographer; DAVID CHAN, 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG RICHARD. 1201, 
DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN. POMPEO. POSAR 
STEPHEN waına contributing photographers; 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist 


MICHAEL PERLIS publisher 
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN. MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
RITA JONNSON assistanl manager; JODY JURGETO. 
RICHARD QUARTAROLL CARRIE HOCKNEY assıstanls 


CIRCULATION 
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation director; 
ROBERT ODONNELL general manager; CININ 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JEFFREY D. MORGAN Rational sales director; SALES 
DIRECTORS: WILLIAM M. HILTON, JR. northwest, 
ROBERT MCLEAN west coasl, STEVE MEISNER mid- 
west, PAUL TURCOTTE пеш york 


READERS 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRA’ 
EILEEN KENT editorial services manager; MARCIA 


hts & permissions administrator 


TERRONES 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES. INC. 
CHRISTIE HEENER chairman, chief executive officer 


On the 25th Anniversary of the Greatest Space Saga 
Paramount Pictures Presents the Official 


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PLAYBOY COVERS 


The Early Years 


A SELECTION FROM OUR FIRST DECADE 


These vintage covers per- 


PLAYBOY fectly illustrate the playful PLAYBOY 


sophistication of America's 


favorite men's magazine. 


By combining classic images 


with a modern sensibility, 


Playboy created a look that 


EXT APRIL ISSUE 960 — quickiy established it as  3P-P-109 AUGUST ISSUE 1956 


the leader in men's enter- 


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these four charming covers 


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94" X 18" and are available 


singly, or as a complete set. 
SP-CP-110 JUNE ISSUE 1954 SP.CP111 MAY ISSUE 1955 


BUY ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE VINTAGE COVERS FOR ONLY $15.00 EACH OR BUY ALL FOUR FOR ONLY $49.95. 
If ordering the set please order by item #SP-CP-112. 
Also available beautifully custom framed for an additional $95.00 each. 
To order by phone, cail 1(800) 345-6066 . All major credit cards accepted. 
To order by mail, send check or money order to: PLAYBOY'S COVERS (The early years) 
6B0 N. Lake Shore Drive Suite 1500SE CHICAGO, IL 60611 Allow two weeks for delivery. 


© SPECIAL EDITIONS LIMITED 1991 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBDY 
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE 
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


LETTER FROM THE GENERAL 

Playmate of the Year Lisa Matthews re- 
ceived the following letter: 

You and the wonderful people of Op- 
eration Playmate (Playboy, June) were 
very kind to invite me to attend. your 
1991 Playmate of the Year party. And I 
thank you, too. for your unwavering 
support of Operation Desert Storm. 
Your letters have been a major morale 
boost for our troops. 

I'd certainly enjoy the visit, but I know 
you'll understand that my schedule isn't 
entirely my own these days. We still have 
much work to accomplish in the region, 
not to mention ensuring that the men 
and women of Operation Desert Storm 
are returned home quickly 

Again, thank you for the thoughtful 
invitation and please give a special 
thanks to all those who helped you in 


Operation Playmate. You are all true pa- 
riots. 
H. Norman Schwarzkopf, General 
U.S. Army 


Riyadh, Saudi Arabia 


STEINBRENNER A SOFTY? 

George Steinbrenner (Playboy Inter- 
view, May) has been portrayed by the 
media as a vile ogre, but his benevolent 
treatment of players, co-owners and fans 
does not reflect this 

1 attended two New York Yankees old 
timers’ games in 1987 and 1988, and 
even the most mediocre players were 
Steinbrenner 
ve every former Yankee a color 
how many other owners 


honored and revered 
even g 
portrait, Now 
would do that 


Vance Krites 
Kittanning, Pennsylvani 


A CASE OF LOATHING 

In a publication that caters mainly to 
heterosexual men, it’s enlightening to 
sce such an informative article as A Case 
of Loathing (Playboy, May), which will, 1 
hope, shed some light on an important 
issue, the severity of which some of your 


readers may not be aware 
Prejudice of any kind is wrong. Vio- 
lence against another person simply be- 
cause of his or her color, religion or 
sexual preference is wrong. If our soci- 
ety continues to foster hatred in its chil- 
dren, as we have in the past, no one will 
be sale. Today, it's homosexuals; tomor- 
row (gasp), people who read magazines 
some people find offensive 
Greg Steele 
Hollywood, California 


It is standard practice among sell-ap- 
pointed ethical experts to decry bigotry 
and prejudice, but the question such ex- 
perts have not bothered to examine is, 
Are these things really bad? To begin 
with, the dislike of outsiders—whether 
racial, religious or any other kind—is 


more or less universal: so it seems w 
treading on thin ice to assume that such 
a characteristic, which is apparently a 
product of a long process of social evo- 


are 


lution, is bad. Furthermore, there are 
several obvious advantages to bigotry. 
ge with unproven genes is 
slowed down: the community is less vul- 
nerable to traitors; unknown di 
are less likely to be spread; social institu- 
tions are less readily destabilized. 
John Bryant 
St. Petersburg Beach, Florida 
Repeat afler us: Prejudice and bigotry are 
bad. They may be old, hut they are bad. We 
always appreciate the chance to clarify these 
differences 


Intermar 


ses 


"STIR CRAZY" 

1 agree with Robert Scheer in his 
Reporters. Nolebook “Stir Crazy" (Playboy 
May) that our prison population is ex- 
ploding and the solution must be crime 
prevention; but the adage that what we 
need is job training is an old husbands" 
tale. 

What has allowed criminal behavior to 
expand into such. gigantic proportions 
is cash, pure and simple. Cash, because 
it is anonymous, encourages criminal 


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PLAYBOY 


4 


activity. Instead of using cash, we should 
conduct all transactions with checks and 
credit and debit cards, which leave a 
paper trail easily followed by the police. 
Drug dealers accept only cash, because a 
paper trail would cripple them. There is 
no point in robbing a store if there is no 
cash in the register. No cash, no crime. 
It's that easy. 


Vito Verga, Preside 
Cash Free America 
Deer Park, New York 


L enjoyed Robert Scheer’s “Stir Crazy” 
and hope you will continue to write 
about the alarming and appalling condi- 
tion of prison overcrowdir 

There is a grass-roots movement un- 
der way to put an end to this situation by 
passing what is known as the Fully In- 
formed Jury Act (FIJA). The legislation 
would require judges to inform juries of 
their right to judge not only the facts of 
the case but also the law. Jurors already 
possess this right, but most of them are 
unaware of it and judges are loath to in- 
form them. 

For example, if you as a juror do not 
believe drug users should be prosecuted, 
you have a moral obligation to protect 
their freedom by finding them not 
guilty, regardless of whether or not they 


ak the law by using illegal 
gs. The more FIJA is discussed and 
written about, the closer we are to our 
objective of a sane criminal-justice sys- 
tem. 


Brian C. Setzler 
Portland, Oregon 


FREE AGENT. 

Thanks for bringing us the pictorial 
on ex-IRS agent Liz Pasko (Fee Agent, 
‚Playboy, May). I hope we can see more of 
her as a Playmate. If she still represented 
the IRS, there'd be fewer unpaid taxes. 

Steven Nuppenau 
Mount Carroll, Illinois 


How sad that Liz Pasko is no longer a 
agent for the IRS. Many thousands of 
male Playboy readers might have eventu 
ally made an error or two in their re- 
turns in the hope that they'd be audited 
by Liz—and the resultant penalties im- 
posed by the IRS could have made a sig- 
nificant reduction in our horrendous 
national debt. 

Don J. Owen 
Rolling Hills Estates, California 


п 


The pictorial оп ex-IRS agent Liz 
Pasko brings to mind an old joke: ГА 


FRUITFUL FEUD 

I was delighted to sec how well the 
Playmates did on the television game 
show The New Family Feud, but I was 
even more delighted to receive the 
fruits of their labors—a $12,569 
check! Thank you so much for your 
gencrosity toward the Freedom to 
Read Foundation. 

At its midwinter meeting, our 
board of trustees voted to use thi 
donation toward developing 
promoting the Freedom to Read 
Foundation 
anks again for your support. It 
is greatly appreciated. 


Judith E. Krug, Executive Director 

Freedom to Read Foundation 

Chicago, Ilinois 

You're welcome, Judith. Actually, six 
teams of Playmales—among them this 
quintet of centerfolds from the Eighties 
(below, from lefi), Heidi Sorenson, Devin 
DeVasquez, Lisa Welch, Karen Foster and 
Kimberly McArthur, seen here with host 
Ray Combs—have competed on the show to 
raise funds for such worthy causes as 
yours. Operation USA, Children of the 
Night, the Los Angeles County Museum of 
Art, the City of Hope and the American 
Cinematheque. 


love to do to her what the [RS has been 
doing to me lor years. 
Michael Damato 
New York, New York 


BOSS TWEEDS 

My collection of Pla 
dates back to 1962, but nothing has so 
compelled me to write to you as your 
May pictorial Boss Tureds, starring Shan- 
isterhood 


hoy magazines 


non and Tracy Tweed. While 
has provided special treats for your 


reader: the past (Ann and Janice 
Pennington, Mirjam and Karin van 
Breeschooten come to mind), never be- 
fore has such a stunning opportunity 
presented itself. Shannon is undeniably 
one of Playboy's most enduring and spell- 
binding Playmates; certainly, Tracy, 
who's equally graceful and poised, has 
proved herself worthy of a chance at the 
same honor. I believe 1 speak for many 
of your readers in stating that it would 
be an injustice were this lady not to be 
come a Playmate. 


Tommy Vorst 
Winnipeg, Manitoba 


CARRIE MADE HIS BIRTHDAY 

Recently, rock radio station KOME- 
FM in San Jose held a contest: Call in 
and, in ten Seconds or less, explain why 
you should win a dinner date with May 
centerfold and hometown girl Carrie 
Vazel (along with drooling morning d j s 
Jeff Blazy and Bob Lilley) 

It was unbelievable. | woke up on my 
birthday with no big plans and, айе 
winning the contest, found myself din- 
ing just 12 hours later with one of the 
most beautiful women in the world, dis- 
cussing music, bascball brawls and how a 
Playboy video is made. 

Carrie was funny, down to earth, ex- 
tremely nice and a good dancer. She is 
an excellent representative of Playboy 
and I wish her the be 

Thanks again, Carrie. It was fun! 

Peter Graves 
Los Gatos, Ca 


lifornia 


WHITNEY HOUSTON 

Asa reader of Playboy and a Catholic, I 
must express my disappointment in the 
20 Questions featuring Whitney Houston 
(Playboy, May). It is unfortunate that a 
woman of her talent is bigoted when it 
comes to the Catholic Church. Yes, the 
Church does have its problems; as a hu- 
man institution, that's to be expected. I 
can only hope that someday Playboy will 
look into something favorable that the 
Church has done. The record is there 
(Mother Teresa is only onc of many ex- 
amples). 


Terence J. Smith 
Annandale, Virgi 


El 


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Four rare and exclusive photos of the legendary Marilyn in a beautifully designed portfolio. 


the photos os the bosis for his trademark charcool-ond-postel colendor illustrations. Of Marilyn's ability os o model Moron hos said, "Emotionally, she did ev- 


| hese photos were token by fomed pinup artist Eorl Moran, over o four yeor period beginning in 1946, when Norma Jeon Boker wos 19 yeors old. Moron used 
elything right. Her movements, her honds, her body were just perfect." Ployboy's portfolio shows the beginnings of the legend thot wos to become Morilyn 


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tet Pl ny 
DF NATIVA монас. Au RIGHTS RESERVED: REFRESENTED BY ME ROGER PICHAN AGENCY. FIC j BEVERLY HULS CA 
© SPECIAL EONS LMITEO 1691 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


SLEEP TIGHT 


Maybe we simply spent too much time 
at the beach, but when flying horses and 
red snakes began dominating our 
R.E.M. cycles, we reached for Dreaming: 
4n Illustraled Guide to Remembering and In- 
lerþreting Your Dreams. The 
mixed—red snakes represent an abun- 
dance of sexual energy, but flying horses 
signily a desire to overcome difficulties 
in bed. But the surprising news was the 
number of other dream symbols for sex: 
climbing stairs, playing ball, dancing 


news was 


around a losing your pants, 


Maypole. 


catching and mounting a butierfly, hid- 
the g 


gus or tomatoes, keyin; 


; eatin, 


ng in a cave, playing 


bananas, aspar 


a lock, plowinga held, putting on glove 
lighting fireworks, cracking a jug 
ng; also, the appearance of a train 
in a tunnel, women's shoes, goats, drag 


nd 


swin 


ons, bulls or eggs. Representing the 
penis: hair, cacti, candles, chimneys, 
snakes, hand tools, fingers, guns, hatch 


ets, horns, knives, spears, tails, nails, 
pens, flagpoles, rockets, wooden sticks, 
swords, neckties, towers, worms and 
corks popping from bottles. 

We don't know about you, but we can't 


wait to hit the sack. 


VESTAL VIDEOS 


Not long ago, religious women in 
need of good luck would dance nude at 
the Erawan Hindu shrine in Bangkok 
Not anymore. So many crowds have 
shown up. according to shrine guardian 
Thonglor Markmee, that devotees have 
been reduced to dropping off X-rated 
videos. Now, that's progress. 


TO LIVE AND FLY IN L.A. 


In Los Angeles, spying on celebrities 
has become an art form. You can stand 
in front of Morton's restaurant. You can 
buy a map to the homes of the stars. You 
can crash the Oscars. 

Or you can hire a helicopter and look 
down onto famous back yards and swim- 
ming pools. That's the service offered by 
Heli LA, specializing in copter cruises 
over perfect star-hunting ground—Bev- 


erly Hills, Bel Air, Brentwood or Malibu. 
Feeling voyeuristic, we climbed into a 
limo on a warm summer afternoon, sped 
to Van Nuys Airport and took to the 
skies in a four-seater. At 500 feet, we in- 
spected Sylvester Stallone's rose garden 
(our initial thrill at actually spotting Sly 
turned out to be a bust—it was his gar- 
dener, we think); Steven Spielberg's 
mountaintop escape; Aaron Spelling's 
palace; and a certain mansion with a zoo 
in Holmby Hills (“Hiya, Boss!”). Then 
we thwuck-thwucked downtown be- 
tween a pair of glittering towers (re- 
minding us of the opening credits on 
L.A. Law) and ultimately touched down 
on the helipad atop the TransAmerica 
building As part of the package, we 
dined one story below at the skyscraper's 
Tower Restaurant. Deluxe nighttime 
tours similar to ours cost about $299. 
The boilerplate chopper rides start at 
$80, which is about what a salad costs at 
Morton's. 


VAN HAILIN 


The personal ad read: “wanreo—Fe- 
male, 35-45, must like children, camp- 


ILLUSTRATION BYPATER 5АТО 


ing, quiet times, pets. Hard-working 
man; lots of attention. Call. It don't hurt 
10 talk." Thing was, John Koehler of Up- 
state New York placed the ad on the 
back of his van. Bingo! He received hun- 
dreds of letters and calls from women 
throughout the country and met more 
than 90 before settling on Bobbi Zirbel, a 
divorced mother of two. Said Koehler, 
“It was like winning the New York lot- 
tery of women." 


SHOW US YOUR TATTS 


The last time Cher flaunted a t 
tattoo on her ass, tabloids heralded it as 
a sign of a trend. But this year, the real 
1 Tattoo Associ 
ation’s annual convention. The four-day 
marathon drew thousands of illustrated 
men and women to the beige confines of 
the Hyatt Regency Alicante in Garden 
ove, California (land of the strip mall). 
Even to our jaded eyes, there were some 
notable standouts: 

The Stud: Ron Walker, a 31-year-old 
from Sacramento. 


y new 


action was at the Nation 


restaurant manager 
He cruised the 
thong bikini, revealing a dragon uncoil- 
ing from his knees to his shoulders. 

The Dud: Ashley (Dont use my last 
name”) from Pomona. Inked on his fore- 
arms were Us. SKINHEAD and WHITE POWER, 
an eagle and a hooded Klansman 


Grand Ballroom in a 


ting a smoking pistol. And what did 
the bleached-blond 23-year-old w 
be when he grew up? “A dictator; 
said with a smirk 

The Dish: Iconocast Jill Jordan, caught 
wandering among the more classically 
painted (roses, hearts, wow, chicks with 
big tits, crosses, skulls, dragons and 
snakes). An L.A. tattoo artist etched her 
tight arm with a permanent sleeve af 
fruits and veggies being nibbled by king 
sized rats. 

Next month: We review the Bowling 
Hall of Fame 


to 


he 


RX OF THE MONTH 

It sounds like the plot of a hard-core 
sex vid: At a recent meeting of the 
American Society of Anesthesiologists, 


19 


20 


RAW DATA 


| SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


“The condusion 
somebody is jump- 
g to is that the Aca- 
dia is a love boat, 
and ch 
case.” 
COMMANDER JEFF SMALL- 
WOOD, ON REPORTS THAT 
36 OF THE 300 WOMEN 
SERVING ABOARD THE 
NAVY SUPPLY SHIP ACADIA 
WERE FOUND TO BE PREG- 
NANT DURING DEPLOY- 
MENT IN THE PERSIAN 
GULF 


BATTER UP 


Length of time for 
jor-league fast 
vel from 
to home 
plate: four tenths of 
a second. 
. 

Length of time 
from beginning of 
batter's swing until bat makes contact 
with the ball: less than two tenths of a 
second, 


According 


calls per day. 


. 
Duration of collision between bat 
and ball: one thousandth ofa second 
E 
Number of rotations made by an 
optimal fast ball between pitcher and 
home plate, eight to ten; by the best 
knuckle ball, one half. 


SAVING THE PLANET 


who write 
s on environmental is- 
sues, four; who contribute money to 
environmental groups, eight; who try 
to cut down on car use, eight. 

б 
percentage increase іп 
yearly in the U S. from 
0: eight. 


Per ca 


SIS-BOOM-BAHI 

of N.B.A. teams that h 
cheerleaders on the side lines during 
1990-1991 season, 18; number that 
didn't, 9. 


y phone in the Unit- 
ates is located v 
main Greyhound bus station 
n Chicago. It averages 270 2]. 


Cumulative win- 
g percentage for 
1990-199] season 
for teams with cheer- 
leadeı -455: for 
teams without, ‚589. 


THE BEAT GOES ON 


lished by The New 
England Journal of 
Medicine, the per- 
centage of college 
women surveyed. in 
1975 who said they 
were sexually expe- 
rienced, 88; in 1989, 
87. 


РАСТ OF THE MONTH D 


In 1975, percent- 
age who said they 
had had three or 
more sex partners in 
the previous year, 
;1п 1989, 21.2. 

D 
In 1975, percent- 
age who had performed fellatio, 79.8; 
in 1989, 86.3. 


AT&T, the 


the 


б 

In 1975, percentage who had cun- 
nilingus performed on them, 63.2; in 
1989, 65.2 


E 

In 1975, percentage who had en- 
gaged in tercourse, 10.3; in 
1989, 9.1. 


E 

In 1975, percentage who had used 
condoms regularly during iner- 
course, 12; in 1989, 41. 


THE VIEW FROM THE TOP 


In a survey of 230 C.E.O.s, per- 
centage who are intolerant of dishor 
esty in an employee, 84; of a poor 
titude, 53; of laziness and lack of 
mbition, 39: of unwillingness to he a 
team р 24; of disloyalty, 21. 


Percentage of C.E.O.s who feel they 
get less work fiom their employces 
than they pay for, nine; more wor 
than they pay for, 35; get what they 
pay for, 5 BETTY SCHAAL 


Dr. John W. Dundee of the Queen's Uni- 
versity of Belfast announced that Valium 
and Versed, when combined with other 
common painkillers, induce in some pa- 
tients undergoing minor surgery the dis- 
tinct impression that their genitals are 
being fondled by the surgeons or nurses. 
Another drug, the antidepressant fluox- 
etine, can cause a delayed orgasm in a 
lucky few. (This phenomenon is similar 
to that elicited by clomipramine, which, 
four years ago, was widely reported to 
trigger an orgasm in users every time 
awned.) In the words of one re- 
her, “lts slow-release sex. The gen- 
eral rule of thumb is, ifit has been more 
than twenty-four hours since you took 
fluoxetine, stop waiting.” 


RIPE REFRAIN 
At last—200 years of scholarship have 
paid off with the unearthing of this un- 
published lyric written by Mozart: 


During the summer heat, 
Leal, with pleasure, 
Roots and kraut, 

Also butter and radishes 
Making excellent wind, 
Which cools me off 


Good thing the maestro had the sense 
to leave the Figaro libretto-writing duties 
to Da Ponte. 


JOHNNY LEGS. 


We first heard of John Leguizamo by 
word of Mambo Mouth, the one-man 
show he wrote and now performs off- 
Broadway. A classically trained actor 
with film appearances in Casualties of War 
and Hanging with the Homeboys. the 
Colombian-born comic redefines per 
formance art with a raunchy blend of 
street humor, farce and insight into the 
Hispanic male psyche. 

There's litle staging and few props, 
just seven Latino characters who delight 
and dismay. Agamemnon—a macho talk- 
show host, is a specialist at advising the 
lovelorn. “A beautiful woman,” he notes 
warmly, “is one I notice. A charming 
woman is one who notices me.” The 
Crossover King is a Hispanic man pre- 
tending to be Japanese (“Why bother 
trying to be American when you can go 
ght to the top?”). And the most vivid 
segment is Leguizamo's dark, wrenching 
performance as an Mexican 
caught by U.S. cops. 

You can catch Leguizamo introduce 
some new characters to his repertoire on 
CTV: The Comedy Network, on July 13. 
Offstage and off-screen, he preserves 
his wicked sense of humor. What's the 
worst thing a woman ever did to him? “I 
had messed around on my girl,” 
Leguizamo admits, "so she messed 
around on me—and left the condom in 
our bed. That shit drives you crazy. You 
come home, see those sheets, a new 
stain, you know they're cheating.” 


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22 


VIDEO 


HIGHBROW VIDEO 
Fed up with sitcoms? Had it with Holly- 
wood? Give your brain cells a workout 
with more urbane VCR fare: 
Paul Gauguin, The Savage Dream: In thi: 
National Gallery of Art producti 
Donald Sutherland is the voice of the 
French artist who exiled himself to the 
outh Seas. The paintings: powerk 
The photography: fabulous. The guy: a 


COUCH-POTATO/ 
TOMATO 

VIDEO OF 

THE MONTH: 


Don't let the name 
scere you: Playboy's 
Secrets of Making Love 
to the Same Person 
Forever is no downer. 
Instead, it celebrates 
the joy of getting naked 
with the person you love—as demonstrat- 
ed by attractive couples doing some pretty 
hot stuff, Psychologist Dr. Joy Davidson 
narrates. (Produced in association with 一 
and also available from—the Sharper Im- 


d authenticity 
may want to 
»ur's bullfight. 


Voyage of the Great Southern Ark: The 
of the ute is the continent of Austra 
which was once connected to Tibet. 
stuff on geography, flora 
fauna, but take a popcorn br 
minutes, it’s slooooow. 

Toni Morrison: The author of the Pu 
Prize-winning novel Beloved desi 
with dignity the story behind the book: 
the tale of a black woman who 
attempts to murder her children rather 
than see them returned to slavery. Ех 
traordinari 
Vienna 1900: A visually handsome view of 
the waltz capital in the age of Klimt, 

cud and Mahler. Tape's only dra: 


y moving. 


back: whiny persecuted-youth narration 
based on the memoirs of expatriate An- 
na Rosner. 

Turandot: Andrea Dworl meets the 


Brothers Grimm? Puccini's fir 
pits a man-hating Chinese pri 
tors who must solve three rid- 
cular outdoor pro- 
a di Verona. 

— GRETCHEN EDGREN 
(All tapes available from Home Vision/Public 
Media, 800-262-8600.) 


LET'S GO TO THE TAPE 

allstar break? From the Emmy- 
ning series Greatest Sports Leg- 
ends comes Video Sports Cards—an S9-1ape 
collection crammed with highlights and 
heroics of histo 
The winning | 
GREATEST OFT 


1 opera 


Look Who's Talking Too (Bruce Willis lends voice to tot to sove 
John Travolto's coreer—ogain); Mama, There"s a Man in Your 


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Bed (sweet French force posits an unlikely alliance between 


оп exec ond his cleaning lady); Road to Rio (the Hope, Cros- 


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LIST SIT 


"| don't watch films 
with a lot of tension," 
says Broadway's 
Tony-award-winning 
director-choreogra- 
pher-hoofer Tommy 
Tune. “My life is ten- 
sion-fraught as it is.” 
So Tune tunes out the 
world via a “terribly eclectic list of 
videos"—from environmental mood tapes 
{of the ocean or a field) to "visually splen- 
did foreign films" such as Bertolucci's The 
Conformist or Fellini's And the Ship Sails 
On. “1 like foreign movies because I'm from 
Texas,” cracks Tune, “and that's like a for- 
eign country.” Other top Tuners include 
David Byme’s True Stories, the “incredibly 
truthful” Roger and Me and the sensuous 
Women in Love (“My skin hurts after 
watching that one”). What you won't find 
in Tune's vid collection, however, are 
adaptations of Broadway musicals. “RU.,” 
he says, shuddering. “I haven't seen one | 
liked yet." —HARK HEALY 


sic b&w footage shows 
doubles all over Yankee Stadium, 
ing ear to ear, hustling for 2130 so 
mes and a dozen monster s 
3, 49 H.R.s, 165 R.B.l. 
Lou G 


( 


Dissolve 10: 


19: 
able to walk, 
est man on thi 
nest BACRRIELD: Walter Payton (yards of 
highlights set to snazzy jazz to fit the piz- 
zazz of the ferocious Cl 0 Bear) and 
Jim Brown (the Cleveland Browns legend 
breaks group tackles like no other. Vid- 
bit: Brown turned down a Casey 


ngel 
invite for a Yanks tryout). 

mest тикш: Hugh McElhenny cludes 11 
San Francisco 49ers on eyebrow-raising 
d TD. run for the Minnesota 
ikings in 1961. 

MOST LEGENDARY MOMENT: Jesse Owens wins 
four golds in 1936 Olympics. Hitler 
won't shake hands, but Owens crosses 
1 says. “We'll m. 


inish line 


better w 
west ноор vxcicorr: Bill Russell towers over 
Wile Chamberlain, though Wik the Stilt 
(two championship rings and a tape with 
100 much talk) says Russell (11 rings and 


come 


All tapes $7; for more information, call Rot- 
feld Video, 800-962-2092. 
GARY А WEINSTEIN 


simply ordi ту 
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+ 
Ton Ton the 
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as dark and alluring. 
• 
"Why themonkey?" 
1 asked. 
+ 
"He peels the 
bananas for ту 
daiquiris," said Ton 
Ton. "I pay him 
peanuts." 


Want the recipe? Call 1480022147277 


24 


DAVE MARSH 


“you. va, you shoulda killed me last 
year,” Ice-T says at the beginning and at 
the end of O.G. Original Gangster (Sire). 
The first time, it sounds like an idle 
threat, the kind of nonsense that has 
made him rap's Original Gangster. By 
the end, his words are chilling, a realisti 
possibility—this is one genuinely d. 
gerous dude. He tells the truth. 

Ice-T uses rap basics the way every- 
body from Chuck Berry to Bruce 
Springsteen used rock and roll—as a 
platform for depicting a world. That 
world is seductive, dangerous and 
spelled out here entirely on its own 
terms. O.G. addresses and exemplifies 
the hip-hop sensibility, from its undeni 
able sexism to its mythical racism to its 
replacement of rock as pop music's most 
important vocabulary, not to mention its 
nonstop profanity and unapologetic ac- 
ceptance (sometimes celebration) of the 
hustler lifestyle. The effects can be scary, 
hilarious, instructive or all, as on Straight 
Up Nigga 

Musically, Ice-T’s appr 
he keeps the focus adamantly on verbal 
content, not n al innovation. Bu 
Body Count, recorded with a speed-me 
group. pulls off a rap-rock fusion that, 
lor my money, outstrips even Run 
DMC's Walk This Way. Still, whats most 
important is the story Ice-T has to tell, 
nd as a teller of tales, he’ 
corner genius. Ignore him at your pe 


ach is dated; 


eer street- 


VIC GARBARINI 


With the notable exception of Prince, 
it often seemed that black pop in the 
Fighties had split into two polarized fac 
ons. Melody and crafismansh 
co-opted by the Luther Vandross/Whit- 
ney Houston school of upwardly mobile 
escapism, while the rap camp ruled in 
the rhythm, intensity and street-honest 
department. Fishbone's latest, The Reality 
of My Surroundings (Columbia), is the most 
eflective attempt to put the pieces of the 
black pop tradition back together since 
the Purple One began his reign. Liv 
Colour may be the new face of black 
rock, but Fishbone has tossed jazz ele- 
ments and the missing funk back into 
the mix with an intensity that recalls 
Funkadelic in cosmic overdrive or Sly 
and the Family Stone at their peak. In 
fact, Everday Sunshine is exactly what 
you would hope Sly would sound like to- 
day, including a hook that could be re- 
moved only by major surgery. Sunless 
Saturday is the other side of the emotion- 
al coin, with phased acoustic guitar and 
trumpet framing the chorus rather than 
samples or synths. And Fight the Youth 


р we 


g 


Вар Original Gangster. 


A taste of Fishbone, 
chilling Ice-T and 
soul from the Godfather. 


elds the metal crunch of Living Colour 
h the dense aggressiveness of Public 
Enemy. Lyrically, these guys are beyond 
either inchoate rage or coving escapism. 
Articulate anger, laced with biting hu- 
mor, insight and а merciful lack of 
clichés, info r take on reality, and 
refreshing. So's the fact that you can 
hum the melodies while you dance. 


ms th 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Morrissey is a US. cult hero and 
Robert Forster isn't, but neither of them. 
is as famous as the group he came up 
with: the Smiths and the Go-Betweens 
But chart-topping bands get old just like 
unjustly neglected oni when 
led by egomaniacs like Morrissey. And 
only rarely is the fickle public enrap- 
tured by the self-expression that ensues. 

The Smiths broke up just as adult- 
hood was swallowing their faithful fans, 
who will ive Morrissey for 
ing up with guitarist Johnny Marr 
and wouldn't have forgiven him for trad- 
his self-pity for sarcasm, anyway. As 
an adult who always found the Smiths 
too too, | prefer Morrisey sarcastic—E 
ery Day Is Like Sunday, on the singles col- 
lection Bone Drag (Sire/Reprise), is one of 
the funniest celebrations of teen miser- 
abilism ever recorded, and on Kill Uncle, 
the dish keeps on coming (in fits and 
starts) right up to the crowning There's a 
Place in Hell for Me and My Friends 


never for 


Even though the we-can-work-it-our- 
and-up-plea Baby Siones is his greatest 
song, the title of Forster's more matur 
LP Danger in the Post (Beggar's Ban- 
quet/RCA) sums up his current state. 1 
hope the band retrospective 1978-1990 
(Capitol), half greatest nonhits and half 
outtakes and B sides, isn't roo late to clue 
in the clueless to him and old partner 
ant McLennan, Maybe Forster could 
hook up with Johnny Marr. 


NELSON GEORGE 


Why is James Brown the most impor- 
tant influence on contemporary dance 
music and, with the exception of maybe 
Elvis, the most imitated performer of 
the post-World War Two era? For the 


GU HOT 


FOR 30 YEARS, Walter Williams has been 
singing and writing with the legendary 
O'Jays, contributing to such classic hils 
as “Backstabbers” and “Love Train.” 
Currently, the trio is adding to its hit 
list with songs from the new LP "Emo- 
tionally Yours.” Naturally, Williams 
was curious about the sound track of | 
Robert Townsend's “The Five Heart- 
beats,” the film based loosely on the ca- 
reer of the Dells, friends and stylistic 
brethren to the O'Jays 

“Robert Townsend did a brave 
thing, trying to capture old Mo- 
town and other R&B sounds of the 
ies in this movie, For most of 
the sound track, he succeeds. The 
Dells biggest hit, Stay in My Corner, 
was fabulous in its ox al rendi. 
tion, and this new version is just as. 
good. Other favorites of mine in- 
clude A Heart Is a House for Love, 
Bring Back the Days, In the Middle 
nd the Patti LaBelle cut. A few 
racks—Baby Stop Running Around, 
for example—don't seem to know 
what style they want to be. / Feel 
Like Going On wies to be both tra 
ditional and contemporary Gospel 
nd ends up being neither Over- 
though, The Five Heartbeats 
It's one of those records 
1 bring truly good singing back 
into modern R&B.” 


all, 


wer, slip Star Time (Polydor) into your 
CD player. These 72 selections on four 
dises consutute a mother lode of beats, 
grooves, rhythms, rills, chords, synco- 
pation and percussive shouts without 
which Sly and the Family Stone, Talking 
Heads, Parliament-Funkadelic, George 
Michael, M. C. Hammer, Prince, Michael 
ackson, Sade, Janet Jackson, Terence 
rent D’Arby, Inxs, Bobby Brown, New 
Kids on the Block, Bell Biv DeVoe, Hap- 
py Mondays and Guy, among others, 
wouldn't have a leg to dance on. 

Every funk record, every rap jam and 
a great many rock songs owe a tremen- 
dous debt to the “hardest-working man 
in show business” (a.k.a. “the Godfather 
of Soul,” a.k.a. “the original disco man,” 
a.k.a. “the most sampled man in music") 
But history aside, these tracks are im- 
portant, because after (in some cases) 30 
years, they still possess the drive and vi- 
tality to energize any party. Brown 
records like Give It Up (Turn It Loose), 
Machine, Say It Loud (Pm Black and Pm 
Proud), I Feel Good and The Big Payback 
are internal grooves, records with that 
magical ability to make people move 
decades after their creation. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


So George, the guitar player, says to 


me, “Chuck, you gotta get us on the 
Playboy Rockmeter.” 
And 1 say, “Don't you think this is a 


conflict of interest?” 

And he says, “What's the conflict? You 
didn’t think we asked you to join the 
band because you could actually play the 
bass, did you: 

I had to agree. Thus, I'm reviewing 
Loud, Fast, and Aging Rapidly (Skrcamin 
Skull/Skyclad, PO. Box 666, Middlesex, 
New Jersey 08846), by Iron Prostate, in 
which yours truly plays the bass. I can 
report in complete confidence and ob- 
jectivity that Iron Prostate is no dilet- 
tante effort at punk rock. Four of the five 
of us are unemployed, and we have lots 
of hostility and angst to authenticate our 
guitar snarl. Most of the songs have 
three or four notes, except for Molor- 
woman, which has one note (why change 
when you've found a good one?), and 
Hell Toupee, which has nine notes that we 
invariably screw up when we play live. 
‘Thanks to the miracle of modern mag- 
netic tape, there are only a few audible 
screw-ups on the actual record. And we 
have one perfect song titled Gilligan. 105 
about the sitcom, and every time we play 
CBGB, the crowd storms the stage to 
sing along: “I wear a white hat/l wear a 
red shirt /They all think Fm stupid/One 
day LU kill them.” If Bob Denver reads 
this: We want you bad for our video. For 
the rest of you reading this: Loud, Fast, 
and Aging Rapidly is the greatest album in 
the history of music. 


FAST TRACKS 


Christgau 


James Brown 


Stor Time 10 10 | 10 | 10 

Fishbone 

The Reality of М) 

Enel 6 6 | 6 8 

8 a o | a 

Iron Prostate y 

Loud, Fost, and Аді! 5 5 3 10 
7 olla la 


THANK GOD DEPARTMENT: We turned on 
the radio and heard LeTeur's dance 
single People Are Still Having Sex and it 
gave us a laugh. Not too many laughs 
about sex these days, but lines such 
as "Lust keeps on lurking/Nothing 
makes them stop./This AIDS thing's 
not working./People are still having 
sex” cheered us up. LaTour is a 
Chicago radio guy and his sel£tided 
debut album is in the stores. 

REELING AND RUCKING: Pierre Cosseme, 
producer of the annual Grammy 
has a movie in the works on 
ics songwriting team Jerry 
Leiber and Mike Stoller called Only in 
America. Leiber and Stoller were re- 
sponsible for Leader of the Pack and 
Hound Dog, among others. . . . Mov- 
ing on to Sixties music, another 
movie, Beautiful Noise, is being devel- 
oped about the Brill Bu g in New 
York, home to songwriters Carole King, 
Neil Sedako and Neil Diamond, who is 
involved with the project. . .. And 
though The Doors didn't do хоско 
business, there are lots of rock movies. 
floating around Hollywood that will 
probably make it to the screen be- 
cause so many current film makers 
grew up on rock and roll. The list of 
subjects being considered for film 
bios includes Tina Turner, Phil Spector, 
Sam Cooke and Ray Charles. . . . Harry 
Connick, Jr, is set 10 star in a comedy 
thriller, Scutter, about a country boy 
accused of murder. 

NEWSBREAKS: Spike Lee established his 
own record label with Columbia in 
January and has signed artists Lonene 
McKee (who stars in Lee's film Jungle 
Fever) and State of Art, a funk group. 
Aside from the already ed 
Ringo, Apple Records will be reissu 
ing other former best sellers on CD, 
including Billy Preston, Bodfinger and 


awards, 


James Taylor. Barbra Streisand | plans 
to release a four-CD set for С 
called Just for the Record, which will in- 
clude 70 unreleased songs. . . 

the first time, the National 
tion of Recording Merchandisers has 
established a $500,000 war chest to 
fight lyric legislation in states that arc 
sull considering it. . . . Poul Simon will 
publish his first children’s book thi: 
fall. . . . Do you have everything? 
Well, you don't have this: a CD clock 
for your desk or wall for only $25. 
more information or to order one, 
write to Steve Wallach, 505 Jocelyn 
Hollow Court, Nashville, Tennessee 
37205. - We love Zappa: Frank 
Zoppo and Rhino Records will be 
putting out an “official” bootleg of old 
Mothers of Invention stuff that has been 
around for years, because, says 
Frank, if collectors want the material, 
they shouldn't be squeezed by boor 
leggers, and the artist should benefit, 
тоо... А belated sad note: Songwrit- 
er "Doc" Pomus, who was a friend of 
everyone who writes about music, was. 
a friend of Fast Tracks, too. He died 
last spring, but he will be remem- 
bered every time you play his songs 
This Magic Moment and Save the Last 
Dance for Me. You can say thanks with 
a donation in his name to the Rhythm 
and Blues Foundation, 14th Street 
and Constitution Avenue NW, Room 
4603, Washington, DC 20560. . . . Fi- 
nally, prison rappers the Lifers Group, 
reviewed here last month, have re- 
ceived more recording offers, but they 
can't pursue them because of prison 
rules. That's OK with Lifers rapper 
Maxwell Melvins, wlio says, "We want to 
start a trend out there . . . by showing. 
the harsh realities of prison life." 
Melvins should know: He's serving a 
life sentence. 一 BARIARANELLIS 


осіа- 


25 


26 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


uixety то climb the charts among this 
summers hit comedies, City Slickers 
(Columbia) is a disarming tale about 
three New York buddies who begin to 
grow up—and approach middle age—at 
just about the same time, Comedian 
ly Crystal, who originated the story idea 
and also serves as executive produce 
ngagingly plays Mitch, a wisecracking 
salesman of radio advertising time. 
Mitch’s best friends are a henpecked su- 
permarket manager (Daniel Stern) and 
horny sporting-goods salesman (Bruno 
Kirby), who relieve the tedium of their 
lives with occasional fantasy vacations— 
such as running with the bulls in Pam- 
plona. On this getaway, they head for 
New Mexico to play cowboy by taking. 
part in an actual caule drive. 
Go and find your smile,” says Mitch's 
fe (warmly played by TV's thirtysome- 
thing star Patrica Wettig). The only 
womanly comfort they find out West is 
with another amateur cowhand (Helen 
Slater). But they do find themselves while 
learning to ride, shoot, rope cattle and 
think twice about their attitudes toward 
damned near everything. Spurts of out- 
right senumentality—e.g., Crystal show- 
ing paternal concern for a newborn calf 
he has helped deli alleviated by 
City Slickers” witty overview, traceable to a 
deft screenplay by Lowell Ganz and Ba- 
loo Mandel (also the authors of Splash! 
and Parenthood). Among the movie's ur 
expected pleasures is a stampede set off 
by a portable coffee grinder; another is 
the wry observation that “women need a 
reason to have sex men just need a 
place." Jack Palance is the rugged u 
boss, casually mocking wild Western 
ways, while the urban types try hard 
to master them. The American male's 
midlife crisis has been dealt with on film 
before—but seldom on horseback, with 
such contagious high spirits. ¥¥¥'/2 
О 

When boy (Matthew) meets girl (М. 
ria) in the comedy Trust (Fine Line), 
Maria is already pregnant. Her angry 
mom has disowned her because her fa- 
ther has died of a heart attack after 
learning of her condition. Matthew's f. 
ther is a nasty bully with a passion for 
cleanliness. To continue describing the 
plot of Trust would be unfair to a movie 
Tull of mood, impudence and cryptic di- 
alog. Writer-director Hal Hartley's pre- 
ious feature, ¿he Unbelievable Truth, wa 
nother doggedly upside-down look 
middle-class manners. Starred again 
Adrienne Shelly, an insouciant wail who 
can be unself-consciously sexy; Martin 
Donovan plays her ardent paramour, 
who carries a hand grenade around w 
him and ultimately finds a use for 


Stickers’ Crystal, Palance. 


Amateur cowboys, 
professional firemen and 
a target for Wildmon. 


may leave Trust not quite sure what Hart- 
ley is trying to say but appreciating his 
fair for concocting blithe riddles about 
the meaning of life. УУУ 

. 

Courage under fire is the main con- 
cern of Backdreft (Universal). Director 
Ron Howard's pell-mell action drama 
about the lives of Chicago firemen pits 
two stalwart sibling rivals (Kurt Russell 
and William Baldwin) against fear, 
flames and each other. Amid a veritable 
explosion of special effects, they portray 
brothers whose dad died a fire fighter. 
When Russell and Baldwin pause for 
breath, which isn't often, they get caught 
up in relatively routine problems with 
women—Rebecca De Mornay as Rus- 
sell's ex-wife, Jennifer Jason Leigh in an 
unrewarding role as the girl Baldwin 
had left behind before he came home to 
join the force. The force, represented by 
Robert De Niro and Scott Glenn as vet- 
erans of the department, is definitely 
with them in a cinespectacular that ap- 
pears to ignite by spontaneous combu: 
uon. ¥¥¥ 


. 

Jennifer Rubin steals every scene she 
has as a leggy Las Vegas dancer on the 
road with a hired killer (Kyle Secor) in 
Delusion (1.К.5. Releasing), the first 
feature by Belgian-born writer-director 
Carl Colpaert. Jim Metzler plays the dis- 
gruntled computer genius who foolishly 
picks up the dangerous twosome while 
he's driving West with a stash of stolen 


money in the trunk of his Volvo. Mur- 
der, mayhem and cat-and-mouse treach- 
ery follow, with Jerry Orbach effectively 
checking in—and out—as number one 
on the killers hit list Conventional 
but never dull—and strikingly filmed 
against Southwestern desert back 
grounds— Delusion ends with an amus- 
ing mockery of an old Western 
shoot-out, helped along by Rubin's sly 
characterization as an amoral bimbo 
who takes everything in stride. У 
. 

Thank the Reyerend Donald Wild- 
mon for bringing public attention to 
Poison (Zeitgeist), a not-so-shocking inde- 
pendent film made in 16mm for relative- 
ly small change. When Poison captured 
the grand prize at Park City, Utah's, 
Sundance Film Festival this year, the 
Reverend Wildmon found out that 
writer-director Todd Hayness meager 
financing had included a $25,000 grant 
from the National Endowment for the 
Arts. Visions of Mapplethorpe and im- 
morality dancing in his head, Wildmon 
denounced the movie as a threat to his 
American Family Association. Had he 
cooled his jets or gone to see the movie, 
Wildmon might have discovered that 
Poison—though based on several stories 
by France's Jean Genet, who doted on 
depr ins the gamut from outra- 
geous to downright dull. 

In the trio of tall tales, there's a broad, 
amusing fantasy called Hero, about a 
young boy whose mother insists he flew 
out a window after killing his father. The 
second piece, Horror, is a fairly inept par- 
ody of a B-movie shocker about a lep- 
rous sex maniac whose mottled skin 
keeps changing between attacks—proba- 
bly because film maker Haynes couldn't 
айога better make-up effects. The con- 
troversial best tale is Homo, projecting a 
typically Genet view of sadomasochistic 
sexual obsession in a men's prison. The 
sex acts, though unsettling, are never 
explicit. Even so, Wildmon went public 
with his charges and managed to put the 
movie on the map by opening every- 
one's eyes to Haynes's vices instead of his 
virtues. When the smoke clears, he may 
be seen as a film maker who is exciting, 
original but not yet entirely accom- 
plished. ¥¥ 


. 

Opening back to back this summer are 
two connected French movies, My Fa- 
ther’s Glory and My Mother's Castle (both 
Orion Classics). Directed by Yves Robert 
and adapted from Marcel Pagnol's book 
Memories of Childhood, both are sensitive, 
warm evocations of the author's dreamy 
recollections of childhood vacations with 
his family in Provence. Both are also 
must-see hits in France, but their leisure- 
ly pace and absence of real narrative 


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thrust make them a shade less com- 
pelling over here. The actors—Julien 
jamaca as Pagnol, Victorien Delmare as 
his kid brother, Philippe Caubère as his 
Father the teacher and Nathalie Roussel 
as his beautiful mother—are faultless. 


OFF CAMERA 


Since he scored as a baaad Mob- 
ster in New Jack City, Wesley Snipes, 
29, is fast becoming a household 

ame. He’s now on screen in Spike 

Lee's Jungle Fever, in the role of 
"an architect married to an Alri- 
an-American woman but in love 
with this white girl. 105 not pro- 
gramed as a statement," he notes; 
s about people being influenced 
by stereotype: 

A Florida native who now lives 
in New York, Snipes has beem 
trained as an actor since he was 11 
He portrays a paraplegic undergo- 
ing rehabilitation in the forthcom- 
ing Water Dance, and his next gig is 
a movie called While Men Can't 
Jump, in which he's teamed with 
Woody Harrelson. “I'm a basket- 
ball player, working a scam on the 
street with a white guy. Because 
in my neighborhood, they think 
white guys can't play very well.” 
Although he was the sexy sax man 
in Spike Lee's Mo' Belter Blues, 
Snipes feels that he's been stereo- 
typed as a jock. “I get called whe 
ever they want an athlete, 1 was a 
boxer in Streets of Gold, a football 
player in Goldie Hawn's Wildcats 
and a baseball player in Major 
League.” 

His future plans may include 
more music. “Spike and I had a 
conyersation the other day about 
doing a movie musical. So you 
never know. It all starts with an 
idea.” While enjoying his spot in 
the public eye, Snipes as a private 
person—divorced and the father 
of a young son—has little time left 
for any kind of steady relationship. 
“Man, there's too much work to be 
done. Women are dangerous, very 
dangerous. And I'm busy, doing so 
many things. It’s like jambalay 


28 L 


Father's 
Mathers 
which the most d 


Glory is a worthy introduction to 
Castle, a luminous memoir in 
matic event is the. 
family’s holiday adventure of sneaking 
through locked gates and past imposing 
baronial estates to reach their own sim- 
ple country chateau, These are reward- 
ig. quiet joys—vintage time travel for 
viewers willing to sit back and take it 
easy My ratings: Fathers Glory Wr, 
Mother's Castle ¥¥¥ 


. 

Another airy import from France is 
A Tale of Springtime (Orion Classics), by 
writer-director Eric Rohmer, inaugurat- 
ing the new series of movies he calls 
“Tales of the Four Seasons.” Rohmer 
nearly always muses about love in a mi 
nor key; this time. he follows a young 
piano student named Natacha (Florence 
Darel), who meets Jeanne (Anne Teys- 
sedre), an attractive philosophy teacher, 
and decides that her father, Igor (Huges 
Quester), would be better of with 
Jeanne than with the possessive young 
woman he has been seeing. Natacha ar- 
ranges a weekend in the country, where 
everyone—including the jealous mis- 
tress—gets so upset that Jeanne and 
Igor are finally left alone. Nothing much 
happens, just talk, talk and more talk, 
subtitled and mostly sexy. Quester is an 
odd choice for the role of Igor; he seems 
rather hesitant and full of tics for so sea- 
soncd a swinger. But this is France, re- 
member, and Roluncı has a knack fox 
making the most unlikely conversation 
seem cinematic. У/2 

. 
Women who do not devote their 


ves 
to dieting, dishing and freting over 
their problems with men may take ex- 


ception to Eating (Rainbow). Writer-d 
rector Henry Jaglom, a man obsessed ( 
in Always and New Year's Day) with tra 
forming his private experience imo a 
kind of confessional 
cused primarily on dangerously slim to 
anorexic women whose preoccupation 
with youth and beauty somehow coi 
nects them to Hollywood. On her 40th 
birthday, a Southern California wile 
named Helene (Lisa Richards, pulling 
ош all the stops) brings a houscful of 
friends together to drink, celebrate, suf- 
fer and declare their common addiction 
to food. Helene does not learn right 
away that her husband may not be com 
ing home and that he has been seeing 
another woman, perhaps Martine (Nelly 
Allard), who is one of the party guests. 
Seli-revelation and sheer bitchery are on 
the days menu, with Mary Crosby, 
Gwen Welles and Frances Bergen (yes, 
Candys mother) among the actresses 
serving up outsized portions of rue. Al- 
ready attracting an eager audience in 
West Coast venues (L.A. and Seattle, 
any rate), Eating is weirdly fascinat 
but rather special except for passionate 
devotees of Weight Watchers. ¥¥/2 


nema, seems fo- 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson | 


Backdraft (See review) A Chicago fire, 


and that’s just for starters. LLLI 
City Slickers (See review) Some East 
crners go way out West. ww 
Delusion (Sec review) Sun, sand, 


stealth and a moll named Rubin. УУ /2 
Drowning by Numbers (Reviewed 6/91) 
Women send men to watery graves in 
a bizarre comedy. Wh 
Eating (See review) Hollywood-type 
females on a jag with Jaglom. yy 
Europa, Europa (7/91) How a Jewish lad 


survives in a Nazi world. vw 
Everybody's Fine (7/91) Italian family 
members, quite confused, as seen 


through the eyes of Mastroianni. yy 六 
Hangin with the Homeboys (6/91) Bronx 
cheer with a quartet of cruisers. ¥¥¥ 
Journey of Hope (7/91) Oscars Best 
Foreign Film—a harrowing trip. ¥¥¥ 
Love Without Pity (7/91) Another lady- 
killer with lots of French flair v 
Mortal Thoughts (7/01) Hushing up a 
murder, Demi Moore gets hot. ¥¥/2 
My Fathers Glory (See review) Golden 
memories of Marcel Pagnol's boy- 
hood in the south of France. yy 六 
Му Mother's Castle (Scc review) More 
memories, even warmer. vw 
Poison (See review) One man's mea 
but bad medicine for Wildmon. ЭУ 
Prisoners of the Sun (reviewed 7/91 as 
Blood Oath) Bryan. Brown takes Jap- 


anese war crimes to court wy 
A Rage in Harlem (7/91) Givens, Hines 
and Whitaker make crime pay. ¥¥/2 


Slacker (Listed only) Oll-the-wall soci- 
ology in Austin, Texas. u 
Straight Out of Brooklyn (7/91) It's surely 
the wrong side of town, and 
wouldn't want to live there. 

Strangers in Good Company (6/91) Some 
grand old women, stranded on a bus 
tour and well worth your time. ¥¥¥/2 
Sweet Talker (7/91) Bryan Brown re- 
turns as a winning Aussie con man, YY 
A Tale of Springtime (Sec review) It's 


[amour with a sly French twist. УУУ; 
Tatie Danielle (5/91) This Gallic crone 
has more than her share of gall. ¥¥¥ 


Thelma & Louise (5/91) Hitting the road 
with Susan Sarandon and Geena 
Davis, revved up all the way. УУУУ 
Truly, Madly, Deeply (6/91) A deceased 
musician comes back to play wy 
Trust (See review) Something a little 
different in romantic comedies. ¥¥¥ 
Truth or Dare (7/91) Touring with 
Madonna, whose normal travel seems 
close to the speed of sound. ¥¥¥'/2 


¥¥ Worth a look 
y Forget it 


YYYY Don't miss 
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30 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


ONE OF THE tests of manhood in this new 
era of the Nineties is dome: C 
tence. Once you have proved you 
brave, thrifty, clean, reverent and a d 
namite lover, you will inevitably face the 
question: Can I fix и? “It” may be any- 
thing from a burned-out light bulb to an 
ailing Maserati, but few of us like to con- 
cede ineptitude. Guys are supposed to 
know how to fix stuf. Well, next time 
art to roll up your sleeves, consid- 
aving yourself hours, money and hu- 
ha trip to the bookstore 

Although some volumes are now 15 
s old, the Time-Life Home Кер 
and Improvement series is will the 
novice do-it-yourselfer's most faithful 
companion. None of the numerous com- 
peting series provide the detailed in- 


structions, carefully labeled illustrations 
and rea 


suring general commentary 
contained in the 36 books of this home- 
repair encyclopedia. For example, Bosic 
Wiring begins with a quick expl jon of 
how electricity works and the standard 
safeguards built into most home syste 
You learn how to read a blown fuse to 
determine the cause of a circuit failure 
and discover simple tricks to set up track 
lighting. Home Security guides you 
basic locks and bolts to the ii 
sophisticated devices to detecı 

We've avoided expensive visits from 
the plumber by following the directions 
for repair of leaky faucets and gurgling 
toilets in Plumbing. Even the mysteries 
the pop-up sink plug are unraveled with 
diagram Time-Life has also 
created individ volumes on mor 
specific topics such ils Fireplaces and Wood 
Stoves, Weatherproofing, Doors and Windows 
and even Energy Alternatives. 

A more ambitious realm of do-it-your- 
self projects awaits you under the head- 
ing of remodeling. With Gene and Katie 
Hamilton's Fix it Fast, Fix It Right (Rodale) 
in hand, you can try house painting, 
wallpapering or insulation. The authors 
have tested their techniques on 13 hous- 
es, and we found their instructions eas) 
10 follow and alert to amateur mistakes. 
Only veteran homeowners such as the 
Hamiltons will tip you off that a less- 
than-ten-dollar basin wrench is “worth 
its weight in gold” when you crawl un- 
der that kitchen or bathroom sink. 

Once you decide that you are ready to 
take on a major remodeling job, the first 
book you should consult is A Consumer’s 
Guide to Home Improvement, Renovation & 
Repair (John Wiley), by Robert M. San- 
tucci, Brooke C. Stoddard and Peter 
Werwath. This book will give yc idea 
of the size and expense of a job better 
than anything else we've seen. Each 
project is analyzed on a spread sheet, 


Can you fix it? 


The do-it- 
yourself 
eties man. 


ith various options for materials and 
application techniques included; follow- 
ing is a comparison between the fee a 
‘ssional will charge and the cost of 
ing it yourself, Each project is rated 
from one to five for ital of difficulty. 
Don't pick up a hammer without it. 

Anyone who has ever walked up to the 
counter and sheepishly asked for a 
whatchamacallit or a thingamajig will 
mmediately recognize the value of The 
Complete illustrated Guide to Everything Sold 
in Hardwere Stores (Macmillan), by Tom 
Philbin and Steve Ettinger. Armed with 
this reference, you can confidently stride 
up and demand spokeshaves, Forstner 
bits, rifler rasps, ryobas, dozulas, clevis 
hooks, dado heads and closet augers 
with the best of them. 

Eventually, of course, you will want to 
go whole hog into this house thing. Per- 
haps not building it but just imagining it. 
A remarkably helpful nual for com- 
municating with an architect and trans- 
lating designese into English is A House of 
One's Own: An Architect’s Guide to Designing 
the House of Your Dreams (Clarkson Potter), 
by James Stageberg and Susan Allen 
Toth. This book is full of practical advice 
on how to conjure up your dream house 
and how to turn that dream into plans. 

A few years back, every teenager could 
get under the hood of his car and practi- 
cally rebuild the engine. Now that fuel 
injectors have virtually replaced 
tors and every new automo 


degree in electronic engineering just to 
read the Chilton manuals. However, if 
you want to learn the basics, have a few 
laughs and avoid being ripped off by 
your local mechanic, pick up a copy 
of Car Talk (Dell), lom and Ray 
Magliozzi. These guys are Click and 
Clack, whose comic call-in talk show on 
National Public Radio has been a hit 
1976. As they point out 
the introduction, “This book is so 
ple that even an auto mechanic can un- 
derstand it.” 

Every summer, any man worth his salt 
has to toss a few burgers onto the barbe- 
cue. If you would like to add a touch of 
culinary sophistication to your act, try 
The Thrill of the Grill (Morrow), by Chris 
Schlesinger and John Willoughby. ‘These 
chefs give you tips on the dillerent types 
of grills, fuels and cooking tools, as well 
as about 200 recipes with Southern, 
Latin and Caribbean flavorings. Our fa- 
yorite is sull traditional ouri-style 
barbecued ribs. 

So what's left in this litany of do. 
yourself chores? Those weedy patches in 
the lawn, that's what. Suburban life de- 
mands a green thumb, and if you don't 
have one by genetic gilt, we advise you to. 
look at The Gardener’s Home Companion 
(Macmillan). This comprehensive guide 
provides a crash course in botany and 
satisfies the requirements of the flower- 
bed planter and the ambitious home 
vegetable farmer alike. 


BOOK BAG 


Tho Better World Investment Guide (Pren- 
tice Hall), by the Council on Economic 
Priorities: A guide to investing based on 
nd moral values as well as the bot- 
tom line. 

Harvey Kurtzman’s Strange Adventures 
(Epic Comics): A creator of Mad maga- 
zine and Playboy's Liule Am 
laborates with some of Ameri 
cartoonists to produce seven lampoons. 

A Red Death (Norton), by Walter 
aught in a crunch between an 
n search of Reds and an IRS 
agent looking for revenge. the hero of 
this fast-paced sequel to Devil in a Blue 
Dress goes undercover. Mosley delivers a 
first-rate second novel. 

Broken Vessels (David R. Godine), by 
Andre Dubus: In his first book of 
nonfiction, Dubus writes about Robin 
Hood and womanhood, explores 
Catholic boyhood and the complexities 
of human intimacy ys- 

Hummers, Knucklers, and Slow Curves 
(University of Illinois), edited by De 
Johnson: Eighty-four baseball 
written over the past four decades pay 
tribute to the national pastime. 


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INKS:X (Atantic) 84378 
Tomita: Snowflakes Are 
тато ery sores 
Stocthenrt (МСА) 44520 
Engelbert Humperdinck: 
Love le The Reason 
(erue) 94103 


Goodman: 
Yale Univers 
Recordings, Vol. Y 
(Wusicvasiers) 93504 
Kenn Sweat: TI 

Give All Му Love To You 
(Elektro) 51603 

Dave Grusin: Havana! 
Seth. (GHP) 11082 
Dwight Yoakam: 

M There Was A Way 
(Reprise) 64310 

Paul Overstreet: 
Heroes (RCA) 50526 
Diana Ross & The 
Supremes: 20 Greatest 
Hiis (Motown) 63067 


Madonna: The 
Immaculate Collection 
(Sire) 54164 


Marvin Gaye: 15 
Greatest His 
(Motown) S3534 i 
Mamer res) 14052 

ла Classics 
Айу лава 
Kronos Quartet: 
Winter Was Hard 
recien) 00675 
ACIDO: The Razors 
Bie (ATCO) 3379 
George sersor 
Count Basie Orch. 
Big Boss Band 
(lamer Bros) 13519 
Nelson: After The Fain 
(boo 74075 
18 ep Country tte 
VOZ (CA) 30217 
Various Artists: You 
Cant Hurry Love 
Motor] 20583 

G: Live 
ped 


The Best OI Steely Dar: 
Decade (HCA) 54135" 
Mario Lanza: The Great 
Caruso (FCA) 80358 
Gipsy Kings: Alegria 
ie) Не 

Joe Sa 

Aches To Ranes 
(Warner Bros) 3082: 


KT. Oslin: 
Love In A Small Town 
(RCA) 74372 


Alan Jackson: 
Here In The Аеш World 
(Arista) 53833 

Best Of The. 

босые Brothers. 
(Warner Bros.) 43738 


Come Oancing With The 
Kinke (Aricia) 60077 


Barry Manilow: 
Live On Broadway 
(Айша) 24806 


Kathy Matten: А 
Collection Ot Hits 
(Mercury) 10791 

REM.: Eponymous 
(URS) 0O70 

Vory Best Of Cream: 
Strange Brew 

(Polydor, 00468 

ALB. Surel: Private 
Times And The Whole $ 
(Wainer Bros.) 84332 
Highway 301- 

Greatest Hits 

(Warner Bros.) 83480 


King's X: Faith, Hope 
Love By King's X 
(antic) 74229 


Ralph Tresvant 
(MCA) тав 

Tin Peaks/TV зак. 
Warner ron) 63580, 
‘Opera Goes To Hel 
(Angel) 73953 

Tangerine Oren: 
(Private Music) 107245: 
Chicago: Greatest Hite 
1982-68 (Reprise) 63363 


Billy Idol: Charmed Life. 
(Chrysalis) 62264 


Joni Mitchell: Night Ride 
Home (ОСС) 10731 


(Laurie) 20768 


Lorrie Morgan; 
Something in Ree 
(ЯСА) B3648 

Yes: Classic Yes 
(starve) 50226: 

George Thorogood а 
The Destroyers: Live 
ЕМ) sa 

Best Of Robert Palmer: 
Radicons 

(sand 10619 

Faith No Nore: The Real 
"Thing (Reprise) 63719 
Spyro Gym: Fast 
Forward! (GR?) 00620 
Andrew Lloyd Webber: 
Tre premiere Collection. 
(MEA) 53060 

John Coltrane: Giant 
Steps (atts) 84503 +: 
Chuck Berry: The Great 
8 (Chess) 64137 
Engles: Their Greatest 
fits 187175, 

(Asylum) 23061 


Selections From 
"Cats /Original Cast 
(Gotten) 63209 

Gordon Lightioot 
Gord's Gold 

(Repnee ) 24008 

The Best of The. 
Manhattan Transfer 
(Alanic) 30125 

Air Supply: Greatest 
Hits (Arista) 34424 
Bing Crosby's Greatest 
Hits (UCA) 04709 
Carpenters: Lovelines 
(ashy zares 

The Bench Boys: Pet 
Sum (Gaps) 00513 
Take € So Much 2 
Te d 
Pason: Flesh & Blood 
(Capo) 50207 


Whitney Houston: Im 
Your Baby Tonight 
(Ansia) M 

Randy Travis: 

Heroes And Friends 
(Warner Bros) 74597 
Jackson Browne: 
Running On Empty, 
Runing (Elektra) 11056 


Trixtor 
(MecharicMCA) 61594 


Chick Corea Akoustic 
ive 


Marcus Roberts: Alone 
With Thee Giants 
(оуу) 54997 

jane Schuur: 
Collection (GAP) 63591 
Best OF Dire St 
Honey For Nothing 
(Warner Bros) 00713 
Traveling Wilburys, Vol 
3 (Werner Bros | 24817. 
Oon Henley: End Of The 
Innocence (Gellen)01064 
Peggy Lee Si 

The ова 09 
(MuscMasters) 49661 
Hank Wiliams, J: 
America (The Way I See 
1) (Warmer Bros) 20612 
‘Cliburn: My Favorite 
Chopin (ACA) 10986 
The Best Of Bad 
Compary: 10 From6 
Atc] 60321 

19505 Rock & Roll 
Revival (Buddah) 11179 
Grestest Gospel Hits 
(Malaco) 44366 

Cher: Heart OI Stone 
Gefen) 42074 

Debbie Gibson: 
Anything Is Possible 
(Atlantic) 24815 

Best Of The Blues 

Pan 111405: 

Ratti: Evergreen 
Everbiue (NCA) 10092 
Artie Shaw: 1949 
Muscmasters) 79774 
úOldahomal/Original Cast 
MCA) SANS 

The Steve Miller Band: 
Gremesi Hits 1974-1978 
(Сарой) 33199. 

dimi Henri: 

Elecite Lacylard 
(Reprise) 

Jemes Galway & Henry 
Mancini In The Pink 
(АСА) 51758. 

Count Basle: The Stand- 
ards (Verve) 80235 


M.C. Hammer: Please 
Hammer, Dont Hurt 
Em (Capitol) 34791 


Got (Cnrysalls) 33512 


David Lee Roth: 
A Little Aint Enough 
(Werner Bros.) 10551 
Peter Gabriel: so 
(Gelen) 14764 
‘Suzanne Cani: 
Pianissimo 

(Private Music) 11047 ж 
Horowitz At Home 
(DG) 25211 

Dece-Lite: World Clique 
(Elektra) 52090 

Jon Bon devi: Blaze DI 
Glory (Mercury) 44490 
Kentucky Heachunters: 
Pickin" On Nashville 
(Mercury) 24740 

Guns N Roses: 
Appetite For Destruc- 
tion (Gelen) 70348 
The Chat Warrrv Sai. 
(Nonesuch) 14486 


е 


zz Top: Recycler 
(Warrer Eros) 73969 
The Go-Gos : Greatest 
Hite URS) 50915 
Jeffrey Osborne: Оту 
Human (Апа) 00845 
U2: Rattle And Hum 
(land) 00595 

Nell Young: Ragged 
Glory (ние) 94621 
Bon Jovi: New Jersey 
(Mercury) 00516 

Det Leppard: Pyromania 
бее тозо, 

Daryl Hall & John Ostes: 
Change О Season 
(erst) 00541 

Kelth Whitley: Greatest 
Hits (ACA) 10728 

Eton John: Grestest 
Hits, Vol. 1 (NCA) 62322 
Buddy Holly: From The 
Original Master Tapes 
IMCA) 20069 

Michael Feinstei 
"The NGM Album 
(Elektra) 10699 


..The ultimate in savings... 
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Garth Brooks: No. 
Fences (Capitol) 73265 
Dionne Warwick 
Sings Cole Porter 
(Arista) 53326 
Moody Blues: Days Of 
Future Passed. 
(Threshold) 44245 
Irving Berlin: Always. 
(Verve ) 00208 
Bread: Anthology Df 
Bread (Elektra) 63386 
James Taylor: Greatest 
Hits (Reprise) 23790 
Scorplons: Crazy World. 
(Mercury) 14795. 
Johnny Gill 
(Motown) 09738 
Alabama: Pass it On 
Down (RCA) 00531 

ln The 
Heart Or The Young 
(Atlantic) 00570 
‘The Best О! The Jets 
(MCA) 32134 
Зен Lynne: Armchair 
Theatre (Reprise) 00803 


COMPACT 


Chicago Twenty 1 
(Reprse) 10533 

Paula Abdul: Forever 
Your Girl (Veg) 00933 
Guns N Roses: GN'R 
Lies (Gelen) 00805 
The Winans: Return 
(Омен) 00530 

The Unforgettable Glenn 
Miller (Buebird) 60117 + 
Neil Diamond: The Jazz 
Singer (Capiol) 32877 
Vincent Herring: 
American Experience 
(MosicMasters) 83701 
The Robert Cray Band: 
Midnight Stroll 
(Mercury) 73659 

The Jett Healey Band: 
Hell To Pay 

(Arista) 00544 

Najee: Tokyo Blue. 

(EMI) 44482 

The Who: Who's 

Better, Who's Best. 
(NCA) 00790 
Morrissey: Bona Drag 
(Se) 00878 


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Rod Stewart's 
Greatest Hits 

{Warmer Bree) 33779 


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Fine Young Cannibals: 
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Tommy James & The 
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ТАЛП) 44165 

Aliman Bros: Eat A 
Peach (Polydor) 63353 
Pat Benatar: Best Shots 
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Linda Ronstadt: Cry 
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(Elektra) 52221 

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STYLE 


BATTIN’ A THOUSAND 


Once worn just by jocks or by guys who didn’t feel like mess- 
ing with their hair, baseball-style caps are now a key item in 
any man’s wardrobe. More than one and a half billion caps, 
ranging from free promotional incentives to $70 embroidered 
models, are grabbed up each year in the U.S. Wearing a cap, 
of course, is the preferred way to flaunt team loyalty. (These 
days, L.A. Raiders caps, 
such as the $15 one by 
AJD shown here, are the 
most popular.) Then 
again, how you wear it 
can be just as important. 
By turning their hats 
backward, for example, 
rappers turned the 
lowly cap into high 
street fashion. 
Their prefer- 

ence? Logo caps by 
Stussy ($20) or Mer- 
cedes-Benz (about $15). 
Good ol' boys, on the 
other hand, might go for 
75 ($12) or Harley-Davidson ($10). Tim- 


NEM ТЕТЫ hipsters, there's Brooks Brothers logo caps 
($25) and embroidered ones by Clayton Patterson ($70). Or 
check out J. Crew's colorful baseball caps ($16) when you just 
want to stick to the basics. 


STRIPE REVIVAL 


Just when the buuondown types have started sporting floral 
ties, “conversational” prints or other 
outrageous designs, the newest look | ¢ 
out of Europe is that all-American 
WASP relic, the stripe. These new reps 
aren't exactly your old school ties, 
though. Gitman Brothers, for example, — | 
has used jumbled blocks of color to add \ 
dimension to its suiped ties ($55) and 
has taken the starch out of other models 
by setting the stripes on washed silks and 
overdyed iridescent orange grounds 
($45). Sopl ted shading and texture 
add interest to ties by the vedd 
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temporary approach, re-forming stripes in- 
to free m geometrics ($60). Call it 


preppie gone peppy. 


Tih" to 2” widths; braided, nubuck and 
STYLE stomped leather 


Rich, dark browns; whiskey colors; 
biscuit and natural tones 


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1, Oregon's, historic Old Town district is filled with at- 
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side Bridge): Craft "because they look 


and food booths 
peddling everything 


good and are com- 
fortable.” He also 
likes big cotton or 
cashmere sweaters 
and anything by Hugo 
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great raincoat by Robinson that 
looks like a grade school slicker.” 
We give it—and him—an A-plus. 


homemade jams 
* The 24 Hour 
Church of Elvis (219 
Southwest Ankeny) 
For a dollar, you can 
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MEN 


I hree women, all good friends of 


mine, all people I truly respea— 
and each one of them suddenly an- 


e is not something she can easily 
re with her friends. 


that leaves me just a little fatigued. I am 
used to hearing that Playboy is offensive 
to some people; but to these women who 
are also my friends? What is happening 
here? 

To make things worse, these women 
are talking about the April issue of the 
magazine, which happens 10 contain 
both a Men column (“The 1991 Low-Risk 
Dating Kit") and an article by me titled 
Call of the Wild, which 1 hope people will 
read and take seriously. 

My three friends know that Call of the 
Wild is in the April issue. They claim they 
want to read it, but they say that they are 
having problems getting to it. They do 
not like dealing with the nature of Playboy 
itself. To them, for various reasons, it is 
offensive. 

For Jill, the problem is in the pictorial 
Give Us a Break! Playboy went to Daytona 
Beach, South Padre Island and Palm 
Springs and took some pictures of col- 
lege kids on vacation. Not to make the 
pictorial sound artificially innocent, 
there are candid pictures of wet 
contests and topless coeds and beauti 
naked women—you know, all 
things that most of us guys hold near 
dear to our horny little hearts. But, 
offended by the photo spread, and she 
says so in a phone call to me. 

“I open the magazine, and what do I 
see? There is a girl with a sign on her that 
Says, 1 SUCK DICK. I'm telling you, it made 
me sick. I had to close the magazine and 
put it away. I couldn't read your article, 
Ace.” 

Now, when people I know and trust are 
offended by Playboy, I am a little sur- 
prised. It has been published for almost 
40 years, and the legal record is clea 
never once been judged—i 
ion, at any üme—to be ob- 
scene or in violation of any Federal, state 
or local law. As Burton Joseph, special 
counsel to the magazine; wrote not long 
ago, "First Amendment jurisprudence, 
the integrity of the magazine and the 
good judgment of judges and juries have 
always vindicated Playboy.” 

So I have this problem. I want fill to 
read my article, but I also know that by 


al, 
those 
d 


By ASA BABER 


NO MORE 
REPRINTS, LADIES 


her standards of taste and decorum, she 
cannot bring herself to open the maga- 
zine again. 

"Look, I've alrezdy got some reprints 
of the article" I say in my dumb and 
helpful vay. “Text only, no pictures, just 
black print on a white page, OK? You 
want me to send a reprint of Call of the 
Wild to you?” 

“That would be nice,” she says. She is 
pleased. 

"OR," I say. "Consider it done." 

After talking with Jill, I look at Give Us 
a Break! | cannot remember seeing a 
woman with the t suck DICK sign. Finally, I 
spot her. It takes an observant eye to do 
so. She is taking part in a body-painting 
contest. She has painted those supposed- 
ly offensive words on her tan belly. She 
looks cute and feisty and fun-loving. She 
is certainly not offensive to me. What's 
the problem? 

My day is not over. After talking with 
Jill, I have lunch with Dana. She has been. 
able to read my article, but she has an- 
other difficulty. She wants to show the ar- 
ticle to the man in her life. "He should 
read it. He'll get a lot out of it. But I can’t 
show him the magazine, Ace. It's too 
threatening to me. I'm not one of those 
young cuties anymore. The pictures 
threaten me." 

“How could they? You are one of the 


most beautiful women I know, Dana." 

“But I don't measure up to the women 
that magazine,” she says. "And I don't 
want Joe to start looking at younger 
women that way.” 

I don't say, “Dana, he's a man, so he's 
looking at everything all the time, any- 
way.” I don't say, "Dana, you girls look at 
men a lot, too. You're just more hidden 
about it." And I don't say, "Dana, we're 
talking about pictures, not reality, and 
guys understand the difference." Nope. I 
say what I am supposed to say. “OK, I'll 
send you a reprint.” 

"That would be nice,” Dana says. She is 


time's a charm. Lorie hits 
me with her objections to the April issue 
in a phone call later that same day. “It’s 
your Men column, Ace. I hate it. You're 
talking about date rape and you're mak- 
ing a joke out of it. I won't read any mag- 
azine that makes a joke out of rape." 

“I'm writing about how risky it is for 
men to date today, how vulnerable they 
are to phony charges of abuse,” I say. “1 
шу to show to what ridiculous lengths 
men would have to go if we were to be 
completely protected from false allega- 
tions of rape and harassment. You know: 
hire a lawyer, have a dating contract, set 
up surveillance, have your date sign re- 
lease forms. I’m telling the male side of 
the date-rape story." 

“I don't care. Your column is very 
fensive," Lorie says. "Send me a reprint if 
you want” 

And here, I crack. Here, I stop being 
the nice guy and 1 stand up for myself. 
“No way,” I say. “No more reprints.” 

“Well,” Lorie huffs, "you certainly can't 
expect me to read your article in that 
context of boobs and butts.” 

"I don't expect anything from any- 
body,” 1 say, "but I'm not ashamed of 
where I publish or what I publish. Read 
me in the magazine or don't read me at 
all.” 

Later, there is a column by Anna 
Quindlen in The New York Times that basi- 
cally trashes the April issue of Playboy. 
Several of my women friends send me 
copies of the Quindlen column, just to 
make sure I read it, I guess. 

Funny, though, Quindlen never men- 
tions my article in her critique. And, no, 
I won't send her a reprint. 


37 


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Reporter's Notebook 


for all her salacious goss ip. 
first lady was the best thi 


Just my luck to enter popular history 
as an anecdote in a Kitty Kelley biogra- 
phy. It’s only а partially true one, as I 
to reporters from Prople magazine 
who called. 1 was present at the birthday 
party Maureen Reagan threw for her 
dog Barnae. But I did not hear Maureen 
and brother Michael chorus, as Kelley 
reports, that "Nancy is First Dog." Nor 
do I think they would have, since they 
were already sporting buttons that read. 
BARNAE FOR FIRST DOG. Maureen observed 
frequently that they couldn't propose 
Barnae, who is female, for First Lady, be- 
cause Nancy was going for that title. In 
short, the kids were a bit critical of step- 
mother Nancy—but not as crudely as 
Kelley suggests. 

What I find hard to accept in Kelley's 
description of Nancy is the view of our 
former First Lady as a frigid bitch. Frank 
natra excepted, Kelley has her more 
interested in women and homosexual 
men than in heterosexual passion. 

Well, we're getting subjective here, but 
that wasn't the Nancy I observed while 
covering the Reagan act for more than a 
quarter of a century, beginning with his 
first run for governor. Back then, I in- 
terviewed him in a motel room in Lake 
County, California, with Nancy flopped 
down on a couch nearby. She looked 
anything but frigid—and he new 
seemed indifierent to what in his day 
were called her charms. 

Nancy is a turn-on, with her firm butt 
and still-good legs, and she likes men, 
starting with her husband and extend- 
ing to any male in the press corps who 
s half-alive. Three Reagan press 
s advised me to flirt with her if I 
wanted an interview with her husband. 

I have always thought of the Reagans 
as quite randy in an in-the-closet Forties 
way. “I did spend all of those уса 
Hollywood,” he noted with a wink sever- 
al times in my presence. Because of that, 
1 tended to give them the benefit of the 
doubt, even later, when Auorney Gener- 
al Edwin Mcese was going nuts on cen- 
soring sex. remember i 
candidate Rea, 


that anything goes 
long as they don’t practice 
and frighten the horses.” 


in the street 


QUEEN NANCY 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


Let me 


add that I have gone to 
Nancy Reagan's defense. In a Los Angeles 
Times book review about Don Regan's 
hatchet job on her, I wrote that she was 
undoubtedly the best thing about the 
Reagan team. She was the one who or- 
dered the firing of the wild-eyed Alexan- 
der Haig, who almost attempted a coup 
when Ronald was shot, and it was Nancy 
who pushed for the opening to Gor- 
bachev. From the beginning, I was con- 
vinced that the secret to Reagan's success 
was that he was getting good sex from a 
wife who laughed at his jokes and en- 
dorsed his lies. Nota modern role mod- 
el for women, but Nancy, as her hair and 
dress attest, celebrated, rather than de- 
nied, being a creature of her time. 

The Reagans, the Alfred Blooming- 
dales and let's even throw in Sinatra are 
iple of the Forties, a decade in which 
ying about morality was raised to a cine- 
matic art. This was the era of stag movies 
and falsies but no touching nice girls. 
Make money fast, play loose with organ- 
ized crime and as long as you made a 
show of contributing to charity, every- 
thing was fine, Ronald Reagan, remem- 
ber, was the guy who told us he had 
liberated a concentration camp, and 
even though we knew he had fought the 
war from California, we didn’t mind. 

But if we're going to get on a soapbox 
over the Reagans’ mendacity, let's do it 
for a good reason. Elsewhere in the Kel- 
ley book, the Reagans and the Bloom- 
ingdales storm out of а controversial 
play at the Mark Taper Forum in Los 
Angeles. Reagan was then governor of 
California, and Bloomingdale, one of 
the financiers who bought him that posi- 
tion, was one of his closest friends. The 
play was The Devils, by John Whiting, 
and it contained references to a nun's 
erotic fantasies concer 
Gordon Davidson, the r 
director, recalls, “The irony of Alfred 
Bloomingdale’s taking such a high 
moral stand was not fully appreciated 
at the time. Only when you know about 
the sadomasochistic games—riding pig- 
gyback and then whipping Vicki Mor- 
gan, his mistress of so many years—does 
his righteousness scem amusing,” 

But it’s less amusing when one consid- 
ers that the Reagans led this country on 
a merry censorship parade. Thanks to 


kitty kelley missed the point. our vampish 
ng that ever happened to ronald reagan 


them, we had a climate in which a muse- 
um director could be arrested for ex- 
hibiting the photographs of Robert 
Mapplethorpe. 

The Kelley book dredges up salacious 
details, such as Morgan’s deposition that 
Bloomingdale rode her and his other 
mistresses like horses and derived ult 
mate sexual pleasure from drooling on 
them. And Nancy г 
continuing to s д 
ingdales through the years of sordid rev- 
elations, keeping Betsy on the White 
House A list even 
daughter for living with a rock star. 

But it's not Nancy's A list that should 
bother us. It's President Ronald's na- 
tional-security list. Well after the onset of 
his wild sex spree, and after years of in- 
vestigation by the FBI, Bloomingdale 
was appointed by Reagan to th б 
most sensitive and highest r 
rity board—the Foreign Inte 
visory Board—with full clearance to the 
nation’s most guarded secrets. 

In the late Sixties, while Blooming: 
acted as one of Reagan's closest finan 
backers and political advisors, the FBI 
was investigating Bloomingdale 
pecting a connection with the Las 


Vegas 
Mafia. The FBI files further reveal that 


id $5000 in 


in 1969, Bloomingdale p: 
blackmail money 10 safeguard his prac- 
tice of beating up prostitutes. 

Reagan, as President, had accessto FBI 
information; that is presumably why he 
didn't accede to Bloomingdale's desire 
to be named an Ambassador and instead. 
offered him the FIAB post. An Ambas- 
sador must be confirmed by the Senate, 
and ugly details would certainly emerge. 

So let's get huffy about the right per- 
son. It was Ron, not Nancy, who made a 
ional-security lapses, 
s on every Holly- 
ning over names to the 
ng the patriotism of any 
sway. The 
lot more tolerant 


FBI, 
liberal Democrat who got in 


impugn 


same fellow who wa: 
when it came to 


write attacking Ror 
excess of sexual tolerance. But it may 
not be the last time I defend Nancy. As I 
said, 1 think the lady is a vamp. 


"| go roaring into the lot and bang! 


A I get hit with: ‘75 cents for each 20 


minutes: Unfortunately, | was going 


to have to eat it. Showing up late for this job interview 


could blow the whole deal. Solgrabbed the 


ticket and pulled into a space. 


And then I pulled out and 


backed it in. Great. | was starting to 


freak. I checked my hair.'Fine: My teeth.‘Okay. My tie. Тоо 


late now.’ As I looked down I suddenly spotted it. 
NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ARTICLES 


LEFT IN VEHICLE. | laughed"? 


Pioneer Detachable Face Security lets you remove the front panel of your car stereo rendering Q PIONEER’ 
it useless to thieves. Another Pioneer industry first, this convenient form of security is available 
on Pioneer AM/FM/Cassette and CD units. For further information please call 1-800-421-1605. EEE 
:1991 Pioneer Electronics (USA ne. Leng Beach. CA 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


М, husband's 40th birthday is coming 
up, and 1 want to do something special 
for him. He has wanted to try anal inter- 
course for a long time, but I've always 
nixed it. I tried it once, long before I met 
him, and it hurt; hence my reluctance. 
But, with his birthday around the cor- 
ner, I checked a sex manual that stressed 
the need for good lubrication during 
anal intercourse and realized that. my 
evious experience had been complete- 
ly unlubricated. This ume, ГЇ have the 
KY handy. But is there anything else 1 
should know about the anal alternative 
to make it fun for both of us?—Mrs. 
L. M., St. Paul, Minnesota 

Using lubrication definitely puts you on the 
right track. Lack of it was probably the major 
reason. you had difficulty the first time. Bul 
how you use your lubricant is also important. 
Apply it generously around the rectum and in- 
ternally as far as your finger can comfortably 
reach. Also apply some to your husband's pe- 
nis—both head and shaft. Some people believe 
that the penis can be adequately lubricated 
with saliva during oral foreplay, but in our 
experience, saliva won't get the job done. Once 
both of you are ready, try one of two positions: 
you on your hands and knees at the edge of the 
bed with your husband standing behind you or 
you on your stomach with a pillow under your 
"hips and him Ineeling behind you. You should 
control the action from there. Push out with 
your rectal muscles as you take his erection in 
hand and guide it in slowly. As you guide him 
in, breathe deeply to keep yourself relaxed. 
There's no need to take in his entire erection in 
опе molion. Accepl the head of his penis, 
pause, then work his shaft in slowly, a half 
inch or so at a time. You may feel comfortable 
taking it all the way in. Or, beyond a certain 
point, you may begin to experience discomfort 
по matter how well lubricated you both are. 
Lei him know when you've reached your com- 
‘fort limit. Then let go of his penis and invite 
him to move. Al first, he should move very 
slowly, but as you get used to the motion, let 
him know when he can move more freely. As 
vither of you approaches climax, let the other 
know. That’s when he should withdraw part 
way, because orgasmic hip thrusts may push 
him in deeper than your comfort limit. Final- 
ly, be suse that both of you wash thoroughly be- 
fore resuming vaginal contact. 


Lascı-disc players came and went. Now 
they seem to be back again. How do they 
compare with VCRs, and where can 1 
find the discs? They don't scem to be 
readily available. —K. K., Miami, Florida. 

If you're serious about collecting movies, the 
laser disc is the format for you. The 12-inch 
silver disc, which holds a single two-hour 
movie on its two sides, looks like a large com- 
pact disc and, like a CD, is xad by a laser 
beam. H not only offers a far superior pic- 


ıl 1! 


{ште—425 lines of resolution compared with 
330 for broadcast television and fewer Ihan 
250 lines for VHS tape—but also achieves 
sound quality equal to thal of a CD. What's 
more, some of the new equipment enables you 
to play both video dises and compact discs. On 
the doum side, you can't record onto laser disc. 
And, as you mention, the video discs are hard- 


er to find than prerecorded video cassettes. If 


you want to buy the discs, Critics! Choice 
Video is an excellent source, Cail üs toll-free 
number, 800-544-9852, for a free catalog. 


A I coi ig something wrong? I want 
to satisfy my girlfriend. sexually, but 
when Task, “Did you come?" she gets up- 
set—S. T., Norwalk, Connecticut. 

Your heart is in the right place, but this can. 
be a difficult situation. If she did соте and 
you couldn't ell, that’s по! much of а problem. 
But if she didn't come and you ask, "Did you 
come?" she may infer that you expect her to say 
yes. To say no can cause feelings of sexual in- 
adequacy and resentment. In general, saying 
no is no fun. A better way lo approach this del- 
icate issue is to ask, “Is there anything else I 
can do for you?" Then, if your lover has not 
yet climaxed, she can purr a word that's much 
easier Lo say—yes. 


Wis: 


уе money if I buy my new Eu- 


ropean car overseas and pick it up at the 
factory? If so, how much can I expect to 


save and how do I go about 
Louis, Missouri. 

Several European car makers of 
seas-delivery plans, including Mercedes- 
Benz, BMW, Audi, Porsche, Saab and Volvo. 
Generally, the programs work like this: You or- 
der your car froma U.S. dealer, as though it 
were to be delivered here. Then you fly to the 


Zt 


quer 


= 


ILLUSTRATION BY DENNIS MUKAI 


factory or, in some cases, to delivery depots in 
several European cities, where you receive 
your new car. Most auto makers want you to 
visil their planis, but some companies can ac- 
commodate you with another destination. De- 
pending on make and list price, youll save 
from eight to 12 percent. You'll also save what 
you'd pay for a rental car while traveling in 
Europe. When yowre ready to return home, 
just return your new car to the factory or toa 
prearranged location. There, it's inspected, 
then shipped to your U.S. dealer or a port of 
entry. Figure on four to six weeks for transit. 
Once in the States, your car is prepped again 
before delivery lo you. Mercedes-Benz’ pro- 
gram is one of the best—with special airline 
and hotel packages to encourage you to take a 
European vacation in your new purchase. 
Oversens-delivery programs differ by make, so 
consult your dealer for details. If you need a 
new car and want a European vacation, it’s a 
smart way to go. 


What does it mean to haves 
gans? Every now and the 


аррег or- 
my boyfriend 
will tell me that some of his former girl- 
friends had them. Even though I know 
he’s not criticizing me, 1 get the impres- 
sion that he’s missing something —Miss 
R. W, Portland, Oregon. 

The term snapper organs refers to the abili- 
ty of the female's pubococeygeus muscles to 
coniract the outer one third to one half of the 
vagina during intercourse. Developing these 
muscles requires exercise—and not the kind 
you find on the latest Jane Fonda video. Com- 
monly known as Кере, this exercise is pain- 
less and can be done almost anywhere. Simply 
contract your vaginal muscles as if you were 
holding hack your urine. By alternating con- 
tractions and relaxations repeatedly 100 tim 
а day, you can strengthen the muscles. Devel- 
oping them will enable you to grip your 
boyfriend's penis during intercourse (hence 
the term snapper organs) and, in turn, en- 
hance his pleasure. It will probably increase 
the intensily of your own orgasms as well. So 
go ahead, feel the burn! 


Va like to convert my existing stereo 
system into a surround home-theater 
setup. Gan I do that, or do I have to 
throw out my receiver and all my other 
equipment and start from scratchz— 
D. W., Boston, Massachusetts. 

Don't pitch anything—yet. Most of your 
stereo gear probably can be worked into а sur- 
round system that will make your original in- 
vestment look (and sound) better than ever. A 
surround setup can get as comple 
to make it, but you can also achieve terrific re- 
sults fairly simply. For instance, your old re- 
ceiver can continue to serve as the heart of the 
new layout. You will need to add a couple 
of things: a second set of speakers for the rear, 
or ambient, sound and the electronics—a 


41 


| ҮТП LT i mi r ge Pais Ж 


4 dw 


From the Hotsy Totsy Club in Harlem, 
To the Cocoanut Grove in Holly wood, 
The Martini was shaking up the nation. 


"The Twenties may well have been dubbed “The crisp white jacket their costume, a cocktail shaker 


Jazz Age.” Butby the end of the decade a whole new their orchestra. 

name had surfaced: “The Cocktail Age.” Every barkeep had his signature cocktail. But 
Oddly, Prohibition not only had increased it was still the classic Martini that stood head and 

America’ thirst for drink, it turned mixology into a swizzle stick above the rest. No drink, then or now, 

new art form. A new cocktail was welcomed with as was a better test of a quality gin. And today, no 


much enthusiasm as a new dance or jazz number. cocktail is seeing such a great renaissance. 


And from Johnny Solon in New York to the Along with the classic Martini gin: Gilbey’. 


legendary Harry Craddock at Lon- True, Harry Craddock is long 


dons Savoy, the once-lowly retired. And your bartender 


bartender was raised to a may well have replaced his 


level of celebrity pre- crisp white mess jacket 


viously reserved for with a simple shirt 


and tic. 


sports and film stars. 


But in the 19905, we 


these stars performed, assure you, America 


a polished mahogany is heading for another 


counter their stage, a great shake up. 


Gilbey. The Authentic Gin. 


surround processor and a secondary ampli- 
Лет required lo turn mere stereo into a room- 
ful of thrills. To complete the effect, you'll need 
a surround-effects component, preferably a 
digital signal processing (DSP) unit such as 
the Lexicon CP-3 or the Fosgate-Audionics 
Model Two. The processor assigns portions of 
the music signal lo the front and rear 
ers. Your old amp can handle the front signal, 
a second amp the back signal. Both of the 
processors mentioned also offer Dolby Pro 
Logic, which focuses movie dialog through a 
center channel speaker (another purchase). 
Now you're ready to kick back. But don't ex- 

cl to relax. Those roaring (“Top Gun”) jets 
will keep you looking over your shoulder 


PLAYBOY 


Penises can't be permanently en- 
arged, but I've noticed that when mine 
is flaccid, its size changes frequently. 


Sometimes I'm hung like a horse; other 
times, like a flea. Is there any way to 
keep my penis on the large side?—V. J., 


Biloxi, Mississippi. 

How about dating Michelle Pfeiffer? But 
you're right. A penis may sometimes 
look shriveled, while at other times, it appears 
remarkably well hung. Fortunately, once you 
get the hang of penis size, so lo speak, it's fair- 
ly easy to make the most of what the good Lord 
gave you. According lo Michael Castleman, 
author of “Sexual Solutions: For Men and the 
Women Who Love Them,” flaccid size de- 
pends on two factors: relaxation and warmth 
Soft or hard, the organ's blood content deter- 
mines its size. The mor» blood, the longer the 
little fella hangs. When you feel relaxed, blood 
tends lo pool in the center of your body, in- 
duding the penis, and you look well hung. 
But when you're stressed ont or anxious about 
anything—including penis dimensions—you 
may trigger the “fight-or-flight” reflex, which 
sends blood away from the center of your bedy 
(and your friend) out to the limbs for self-de- 
fense or escape. Then there's warmth. Warm 
temperatures are relaxing and encourage 
blood accumulation in the center of your body. 
But warmth is particularly important lo the 
size of the scrotum, which hangs outside the 
body to keep the testicles cool. The best temper- 
ature for sperm production is a few degrees be- 
Tow normal body temperature. When you feel 
cold—remember those horribly Фају high 
school locker rooms? —he scrotum hugs your 
body for warmth and looks small. But when 
you feel warm, it hangs lower to keep the testi- 
des cool, and you look more like a stallion. A 
great way to encourage penile pulchritude is 
10 take a hot bath or shower with your honey. 
In addition to the warmth and relaxation, it 
reveals your lover in all her naked splendor 
апа could work wonders for yours. 


MI, girlfriend has taken to wearing my 
underwear, She owns some very sexy lin- 
ing her red silk 
h-up bras, But late- 
ly, she bas been parading around in my 

briefs, boxers and long johns. Help! My 

supply is running low. What give 
44 C. K. Atlanta, Georgia. 


Talk about looking a gift horse in the. 
mouth. Go with й. Women do wonders for 
men’s underwear: Our guess is that your girl- 
friend likes the comfort of your loose-fitling 
shivvies. We doubt that she has totally given 
up her teddies, but the sight of a woman in 
boxers and a cut-off T-shirt definitely beats the 
sight of one in an old terrycloth robe. And just 
think of the fun you can have trying lo retrieve 
your stuff, 


One evening, my wile and I were fool- 
ing around and she asked if she could 
make up my face. At first, 1 was a bit hes- 
itant, but who was going to see it but 
the two of us? She proceeded to use 
the works: eye liner, mascara, blush, lip- 
stck, eye shadow. The transformation 
was startling. 1 didn't recognize my: 
While | was examining her һап 
my wife reached from behind and began 
fondling my chest through my shirt, 
much the same way I fondle her breasts. 
Sensing my arousal, she turned me 
around and began kissing my rouged 
lips pretty aggressively. From that point 
on, the tables were turned. I have never 
seen my wife act so masculine, and I sur- 
prised myself by enjoying my passive 
role. I have refused to repeat our lit 
tle scenario, because, frankly, my response 
made me a little nervous. Does this have 
anything to do with dormant sexual 
tendeni —5. W., Reno, Nevada 

You mean, are you gay? No, but go easy on 
the Maybelline in public. No man or woman 
is totally one sex or the olher; Ihe female hor- 
mone estrogen and the male hormone testos- 
terone are present in all of us. What you 
experienced was a little role reversal—maling 
contact with these less familiar physiological 
reactions. You've probably felt a surge of them 
before (we all do) but refused lo acknowledge 
the sensations (we all do that, too). 

The responses of you and your wife are per- 
fectly normal and a healthy addition to the 
sexual experiences you share. So relax, sit back 
and pucker up. 


А those duster coats (à la the Marl- 
boro man) really practical, or do they 
just look good?—L. J., Chicago, Illinoi 

The full-length coats you are referring to 
were originally used by sailors in the 1890s 
going from Australia lo England. Using sail- 
cloth, they waterproofed the material with 
animal fat and candle wax. The design even- 
tually evolved to a land coat worn by jacka- 
roos (Australian cowboys). The current duster, 
made of colton treated with linseed oil, is fully 
wealherproofed. The extra-long split in the 
back enables you lo straddle a horse (or a 
Harley) with ease, while the inside leg straps 
keep the coat fastened to your legs. The double 
flap down the front, the removable cape and 
the adjustable cuff closures ave features that 
offer further protection. To clean the coat, all 
you have to do is hese it down with water and 
hang it to dry. You may want to reoil it after 
two or three years with a commercial solution 
of natural oils, sold wherever you buy your 


coal The duster is designed more for rainy- 
wealher protection than for warmih, but the 
full cul leaves you plenty of room for layering 
‘sweaters. Alcala’s Western Wear of Chicago 
(312-226-0152) offers a duster with a re- 
movable fleece lining for around $300; un- 
lined, about $200. Call for a free catalog. 


ІМІ, buddy and I have a $100 bet on 
who invented the dildo. He says they 
first appeared in 13th Century Japan. I 
say they were invented by the ancient 
Egyptians. We've scoured our public li- 
brary but can't find the answer. Do you 
know?—A. B., Massapequa, New York 

Assad commentary on the state of our public 
libraries. Sorry, it wasn't the Egyptians. Your 
friend's guess is a good one. Centuries before 
Hitachi came out with the Magic Wand (one 
of our favorite vibrators), the Land of the 
Rising Sun was getting a major rise out of 
sex loys. Bul, like so many other technologies 
theyve. perfected, the Japanese did not in- 
vent the dildo. The distinction seems to belong 
to the ancient Greeks. While Greek men were 
off inventing geometry, building the Parthe- 
non or playing with young boys, their wives 
were busy back home buying what the Greeks 
called olisbos, imported from the birthplace of 
the dildo, the ancient port of Milelus, on the 
coast of Asia Minor (now Turkey), north of 
the island of Kos, where Hippocrates taught 
medicine. At least that’s what cultural histori- 
an Reay Tannahill asserts in her book “Sex in 
History, an illuminating peek under the cou- 
ers from prehistoric times to our own. 


F know that Spanish fly is not an aphro- 
disiac, but what about yohimbine? A 
friend says it's for real—J. K., Silver 
Spring, Maryland. 

For centuries, the African yohimbé tree has 
enjoyed a тершайт as a powerful male sex 
stimulant. Scientists scoffed at the idea—that 
is, until the Eighties, when studies showed that 
an extrael of the fabled tree's bark stimulated 
erections in a significant proportion of impo- 
tent men, apparently by increasing blood flow 
into the penis. Yohimbine is available as a pre- 
scription treatment for erection problems un- 
der the brand name Yocon, proving that there's 
а measure of fact to the best folklore. 


AU reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette —uill be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to 

The Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month, 


Dial The Playboy Holline today; get closer 
to the Playmates as they reveal secrets about 
dating and women! Call 1-900-740-3311; 
only three dollars per minute. 


E P L A Y B O Y 


| 


is abortion murder? 


FORUM 


is birth control a capital crime? 


There's nothing like a drawn gun 
to clarify a position. 

The gun was drawn last winter 
when the Utah state legislature hasti- 
ly enacted what it hoped would be 
the nation’s most restrictive abortion 
bill. The law outlawed more than 90 
percent of abortions, reducing a 
woman's right to choose to instances 
of rape, incest, grave personal health 
threat or grave fctal deformity. Be- 
cause of an existing law from 
1983 that declared it criminal 
homicide to cause "the death of 
another human being, including 
an unborn child,” women who 
had abortions in Utah (and the 
doctors who performed them) 
faced the death penalty, which 
meant. death by firing squad or 
fatal injection. 

"The A.C.L.U. took out an ad in 
The New York Times, paid in parc 
by a grant from the Playboy 
Foundation: “In Utah, they know 
how to punish a woman who has 
an abortion. Shoot her." The ad 
appealed for funds to fight the 
Utah law. 

Utah legislators began to 
backpedal: "We had no intention 
of holding women liable for abor- 
tion,” said LeRay McAllister, the 
Republican who sponsored the 
bill. "We're being accused of hav- 
ing some hidden agenda, but 
that's just not true. It was an in- 
nocent oversight, and we will cor- 
rect it." Faced with an A.C.L.U. 
challenge, the state rewrote the 
law in April. Women were ex- 
empt from any penalty for seek- 
ing or obtaining an abortion. 

The law rendered women in- 
visible by conferring upon them 
the status of victim. Columnist Anna 
Quindlen called attention to the con- 
tradiction: “If abortion is truly mur- 
der, then women . . . are at the very 
least accessories. If abortion is truly 
murder, then the woman who has 
one has ordered up a contract 
killing. . . . Ordinary people know 
that abortion is something between 
killing and convenience, something 
not commensurate with either the 
shooting of another person or a 


tooth extraction. 

“They know that women who ask 
for, even beg for the procedure are 
usually as much a part of the process 
as the doctors who perform it, and 
that to prosecute one and pardon the 
other reflects confu and calcula- 
tion, not compassio 

In Visalia, California, last March, 
а rancher named Harry Raymond 
Bodine walked into Judge Howard 


TO PUNISH A 
WOMAN WHO HAS 
AN ABORTION. 


SHOOT HER. 


Broadman's courtroom and fired a 
shot at the judge. Broadman—who 
had offered a woman who had crimi- 
nally abused two of her four children 
the choice of three additional years 
in jail or probation and having Nor- 
plant (a contraceptive) implanted in 
her arm—was, according to Bodine, 
guilty of trying to "kill innocent 
babies.” 

One can make much of the central 
ironies of the attempted murder. The 


mother, Darlene Johnson, seems in- 
visible. The Right-to-Life movement 
views her only as the incubator of the 
unborn. It seems unconcerned that 
she whipped her children with belts 
and electric cords to the point of sig- 
nificantly scarring them. It did not 
address the issue of the quality of life 
of Johnson's children. 

The A.C.LU. also challenged 
Broadman, though not with a drawn 

gun. It joined Johnson's defense 
attorney in filing an appeal, argu- 
ing that the judge's order was un- 
constitutional. The state docs not 
have the right to sterilize a wom- 
an, or to order her to take birth 
control pills, any more than it has 
the right to force a woman to car- 
Ty a pregnancy to term. 

The pro-life movement pro- 
fesses a belief in the rights of the 
unborn. It ignores the quality of 
life and the rights of the bom. It 
has no respect for sanctity of life 
of those who disagree wit] 

The battle is not over the un- 
born. The editors of Aperture 
magazine recently characterized 
the tumult that is sweeping 
America: “Today, debates over 
censorship, reproductive rights, 
AIDS and domestic violence are 
growing more and more heated. 
A powerful effort is under way to 
define and control expressions of 
sex and sexuality, and to reinstate 
the traditional family and institu- 
tionalized religious practice as 
ideals. One can recognize the 
support that such families and 
belief systems, at their best, can 
provide and still feel that to im- 
pose any particular way of life as 
the American norm is to indulge 

a repressive impulse. What we ar 
fact, threatened with is a drive to- 
ward a rigid social conformity, with 
the body as the pawn, ог. . . the ‘bat- 
tleground' in struggles between 
fering conceptions of public morality 
and individual freedoms.” 

We used to wonder why Right-to- 
Lifers were so intent on securing an 
endless supply of innocents. 

The answer seems clear: They 
need them for target practice. 


MORE ON DATE RAPE 

1 have been a Playboy reader 
since 1972 and have always 
identified with the magazine's 
mission to expose the beauty 
of women in a tasteful fash- 
ion. However, during recent 
months, I have been shocked, 
dismayed and horrified by the 
editorial slants that Playboy has 
taken on the topic of date rape. 
Stephanie Gutmann (author of 
“Date Rape,” The Playboy Forum, 
October) has done more dam- 
age to women, and specifically 
to sexual-abuse survivors, than 
many of the rapists and sadists 
I have studied. It appears that 
Gutmann set out to write an ex- 
posé on date rape as the new 
Yuppie term used universally 
by young women to relieve 
themselves of the guilt and 
shame associated with sexual 
interactions they did not intend 
to have. Gutmann attempts to 
prove that many women expe- 
rience unwanted sex and try to 
claim that they've been raped 
as a way to manage the emo- 
tional discomfort that accompa- 
nies their actions. This position 
is nearsighted and malicious. 
Date rape is the survivor's ex- 
perience of sexual abuse com- 


FOR THE RECORD 


Americas SEXIEST Номе VIDEOS 


“T think amateur adult videos are very posi- 
tive, because people are taking into their own 
hands the redefinition of sexual conduct. They 
are not letting the priests, the feminists, the 
therapists tell them what sex should be. These 
people are rejecting the moralistic Judaeo- 
Christian attitude toward sex, which is that sex 
is a problem and the more you can wipe it from 


increased reports of rape by women 
who have basically had the classic 
experience of young adulthood: sex 
you just feel bad about for some rea- 
son or another. The most alarming 
thing about all of this is that a cri- 
sis atmosphere is being used as 
justification to install all kinds of 
intrusive policies in students’ per- 
sonal lives—to get college adminis- 
trations mto bedrooms and into 
minds in a way they have never 
been before. 

Mitrani charges that my article 
is ignorant, thal I have apparently 
never spoken to a survivor, I re- 
searched my subject for about three 
months, amassed about 90 pages of 
notes and ended up with a carton of 
source material. And, yes, 1 did the 
obvious: I talked with women who 
identified themselves as victims of 
date rape. 

Mitrani may be right that under 
California law, you сап commit 
sexual abuse by exerting emotional 
manipulation or coercion to make a 
woman sleep with уон But so 
what? The point is, under today's 
more broadly defined laws, it is 
pretty easy to accuse a man of rape. 
Far loo many women seem far too 
eager to twist the legal definitions to 
fil their sexual experiences. It can 
be done, but why would one want 


mitted against his/her will, and 
it generates feelings of disbelief, 
confusion, fear, anger. sadness 
and disgust. Moreover, state 
legislation suggests that physi- 
cal threat is not a prerequisite 


yourself, the closer to God you are.” 
DR. CAMILLE PAGLIA AUTHOR OF Sexual 
Personae, COMMENTING ON THE EXPLOSION 
OF AMATEUR HOME VIDEOS DEVOTED TO THE 
SEXUAL ESCAPADES OF THE COUPLE NEXT. 
DOOR IN The New York Times. MARCH 22. 1991 


to? It’s important to remember that 
rape is a felony charge, punishable 
by years in jail and a social stigma 
that lasts a lifetime. People who 
surround the sex act with too many 
legal minefields will make il im- 


for the definition of sexual 


possible—or so unerotic il simply 


abuse in any form. More fre- 
quently, survivors experience emotion- 
al manipulation and coercion that far 
exceed the threat of physical violence. 
I can only hope that women and men 
are prepared to fend off the brutalities 
committed by those who have devel- 
oped their views about date rape via 
Gutmann. The kind of damage she has 
done by presenting such biased and ig- 
norant opinions to such a broad forum 
will have tremendous repercussions. 
Yvette D. Mitrani, Ph.D. 
University of California 
at San Diego 
La Jolla, California 
The author responds: 
Mitrani missed the point of my article. If 
she calmed down and read il again, she 
might find that we are in agreement about 


more things than she realizes—ceriainly, 
that rape is a traumatic experience. What 1 
set out to do was to unravel one of the me- 
dia's crises du jour. My main point is thal in 
the past few years, there has been a great 
noise about the growing incidence of ac- 
quaintance rape on campus, but if one asked 
a few questions (which no one in the mass 
media seemed to be doing), one would find 
that what campus administrators, student 
survivors and date-rape-education organiz- 
ers were calling rape was not what most of 
us (or the law) would call rape. The word 
rape has been stretched to accommodate al- 
most any type of male/female interaction— 
hence, the increase in reports; hence, the 
sense of crisis. If you work very hard to in- 
culcate this view of sex with posters, videos, 
handouts and mandatory seminars, you get 


‘won't be worth the trouble. Perhaps 
that's their goal. 


JUSTICE BY THE NUMBERS 

Based on your article on judges act- 
ing as “conscientious objectors” (“The 
‘Judges Just Say No,” The Playboy Forum, 
April), it is apparent that several judges 
have fully succumbed to the fallacious 
belief that they are God. It is too bad 
that judges don't like or agree with 
many of the cases they are hearing. 
Unfortunately, no one has informed 
them that they need not agree with the 
cases they hear in order to do their job. 
Their sole purpose is to supervise court 
proceedings and to ensure that proper 
lawful procedure is being adhered to 
by prosecution and defense. They are 
the custodians of the law, not its 


creators. The passage of Federal man- 
datory-sentencing guidelines is a long- 
awaited relief. No longer do we have to 
worry about bleeding-heart justices, ig- 
norant of what the drug problem is re- 
ally all about, dispensing inadequate 
and indefensibly short sentences to 
drug dealers and high-class drug users. 
I am not suggesting that the current 
state of the judicial system is not with- 
out its problems. But pouting justices, 
sulking in the corner or throwing 
tantrums, is not a way to correct the 
flaws in the legal system. 

Jim Ferris 

Edison, New Jersey 


Can there be victims in a war on 
drugs? Can a guilty drug dealer be a 
victim of the Government's war on 
drugs? My experience and value sys- 
tem say yes. As an attorney, 1 honestly 
believe in shades of criminal activity. I 
represented an 18-year-old suburban 
male with no previous criminal record 
who was guilty of selling drugs to po- 
lice officers. Along with the man who 
set up the transaction, my client was in- 
dicted on drug charges. Under the cur- 
rent mandatory-sentencing law, he had 
no opportunity to demonstrate to a 


Pennsylvania 19064. 


Gauntlet is a feisty, 400-page magazine devoted to censor- 
ship. To celebrate its latest edition, the editors sent out a 
press release with a hit list of the top ten censors in Ameri- 
ca. Heading the list was Donald Wildmon, who “is to free- 
dom of expression what AIDS is to the gay community.” 

The magazine bestowed its first Lifetime Achievement 
Award on the M.E.A.A. and its president, Jack Valenti, for a 
string of X ratings in 1990, and for believing that parents 
“are not capable of distinguishing between the good bestial- 
ity, necrophilia, incest, sadomasochism and the bad.” 

Gauntlet II is available at independent book and comic 
stores, or by direct mail. Send a check for $8.95 to 
Gaunilet, 309 Powell Road, Department PR91, Springfield, 


court that probation was an appropri- 
ate punishment. While awaiting trial, 
my client, out on bond, entered an 
adolescent in-patient drug-rehabilita- 
tion program for six weeks. He swore 
off drugs and attended Narcotics 
Anonymous. He eamed his high 
school-equivalency diploma, attended 
weekly counseling sessions and submit- 
ted to random urinalyses, which were 
drug-free each time. His codefendant, 
a known drug user with a previous 
record, sat in jail and did nothing. 

The dealer split town. My client got 
six years. Codefendant got seven years. 
Dealer got away. The mandatory sen- 
tence's justice by numbers does a seri- 
ous disservice to the integrity of our 
judicial system. 

Kenneth J. Goldberg 
Chicago, Illinois 


AIDS AND HIPPOCRATES 
Regarding The Playboy Forum's “The 
Sexual Time Bomb” (May), let us look 
at it from a slightly different angle in an 
effort to reduce the devastating story 
on AIDS. If we in the medical profes- 
sion do nothing to prolong the life of a 
hopeless case of AIDS, what happens? 


The patient lives a shorter life and 
thereby reduces the number of people 
exposed to his irreversible—and fa- 
tal— disease. These victims, as a gener- 
al rule, do not change their habits and 
expect us to handle them as normal 
human patients. I grew up in the era of 
leprosy colonies, tubcrculosis sanitari- 
ums and isolation hospitals for even 
the common maladies of measles, 
mumps, etc. So how about it—let us 
not treat AIDS until we find it is treat- 
able. You don't have to treat everyone 
to determine that. 
Alfred E. Gras, M.D. 
South Hero, Vermont 
In the decade or so that the AIDS virus 
has been prevalent, treatment has enabled 
many AIDS patients to live more physically 
comfortable lives than was initially thought 
possible. Some patients have been. doctors. 
Some have been children whose only fault. 
was being born to an infected parent. And 
most victims do change their habits. As to 
your approach lo these cases, AIDS victims 
are normal human patients suffering from a 
fatally debilitating disease. You don't refuse 
to treat a cancer patient who continues to 
smoke. The lifestyle of a patient has no bear- 
ing on your responsibility to uphold the Hip- 
pocratic oath. 


47 


mentions police corruption. We have 
figures for lost productivity, for stolen 
goods used 10 support habits, for chil- 


dren cut down by street w 
who keeps a record of cops who betray 
the badge and who become hooked on 
the drug of cash? 

Robert Leuci, the New York detec- 
live whose exposure of corruption in 
his department was chronicled in the 
book and movie Prince of the City, says, 
“You could write this story in any city, 
any town in the country. It used to bea 
story in Eastern urban centers. But 
now it’s true throughout the U.S.” 

We decided to test Leuci's theory by 
doing a Nexis search. Nexis is a data 
base of newspaper and magazine arti- 
cles. We asked the computer to lead us 
to stories that connected p: , drugs 
and corruption. The following are the 
up of the iceberg—notable in that they 
made it to the newspapers, which usu- 
ally means they have landed the of- 
fenders in court. 


THE NASTY BOYS 


In July 1990, former Hialeah, Flori- 
da, police officer Carlos Simon was sen- 
tenced to 30 years in prison for civil 
rights violations in the murder of an al- 
leged drug dealer and his girlfriend. 

Herbert Pacheco, a sheriff's deputy 
in Clark County, Washington, was con- 
victed in July 1990 of conspiracy to 
commit murder, two counts of conspir- 
acy to deliver cocaine and two counts of 
attempted cocaine delivery. 

Four New York City police officers 
were convicted in the beating and stun- 
gun torture ofa drug dealer. In March 
1988, three were sentenced to prison 
and one to probation. It was the second 
time that officers assigned to a unit at 
the 106th Precinct in Queens had been 
tried for torturing drug suspects. 


THE TOUCHABLES 


[At least] 15 Drug Enforcement Ad- 
ministration agents have been convict- 
ed of Federal felonies since 1983. For 
example: 

In March of this year, Edward K. 
O'Brien, a former supervisory special 
agent for the DEA, faced a life sentence 
but was given only years in prison 
for cocaine smuggling and for embez- 
zling about $140,000 of drug money 


from the DEA’s Springfield, Mas- 
sachusetts, office, which he supervised. 
He is the highest-ranking DEA office 
chief ever to be convicted of drug 
trafficking. 

In August 1990, DEA agents John 
Jackson and Wayne Countryman 
pleaded guilty to drug trafficking, then. 
turned state's witnesses on colleague 
Darnell Garcia. 

Garcia, currently on trial for drug 


We have 
figures for 
children cut 
down by 
street war- 
fare. But who 
keeps a 
record of 
cops who 
betray the 
badge? 


trafficking, money laundering and 
leaking DEA intelligence, daimed his 
wealth came from smuggling gold 
chains into the U.S. 

In October 1990, Eddie B. Hill, a 
DEA supervisor in Washington, D.C., 
was indicted for embezzling drug mon- 
ey and filing false vouchers and is cur- 
rently on trial in Los Angeles. 

In May 1989, veteran DEA agents 
Drew Bunnel and Al Iglesias were ar- 


rested on charges of taking bribes from 
adrug suspect. 

In April 1989, DEA agent Jorge Vil- 
lar was indicted in Miami on charges of 
giving confidential case information 
from DEA computers and names of 
confidential informants to drug push- 
ers for cash. When he was arrested by 
undercover agents, he was driving a 
red Corvette and carrying a briefcase 
with $350,000 worth of certificates of 
deposit. 


ROLE MODEL. 


In June 1990, Brockton, Mas- 
sachusetts, police chief Richard 
Sproules was sentenced to seven to ten 
years in state prison for stealing co- 
caine from the department's evidence 
room to support a five-year addiction. 
Three hundred seventy-five drug cases 
were dismissed on account of the miss- 
ing evidence. Sproules told reporters 
that in 1984, carrying a plastic bag of 
cocaine—a prop for his evening's an- 
tidrug speech—he pushed his finger 
into the cocaine, lifted it to his nose and 
snorted. Thus, he said, he became a 
hopeless drug addict, beginning his 
constant five-year quest for his next 
noseful. He snorted cocaine the day he 
was inaugurated as chief in November 
1987. He snorted cocaine the day he 
testified before a U.S. Senate subcom- 
mittee on the need for more law- 
enforcement resources to fight drug 
dealers. He snorted cocaine on the two 
days he was a witness for the prosecu- 
tion in the trial of an officer accused of 
stealing a kilogram of cocaine. 

In October 1988, Sergeant Tommy 
Pruitt, former head of the Rome-Floyd 
County (Georgia) metropolitan drug 
task force, was sentenced to 15 years in 
prison after he pleaded guilty to selling 
protection to a Floyd County drug 
dealer for at least $10,000. Pruitt had 
conducted antidrug campaigns in 
schools. 

In January 1990, a Federal judge 
sentenced four Philadelphia police 
officers—members of the elite antidrug 
“Five Squad"—to a total of 50 years in 
prison for stealing from the drug deal- 
ers they arrested. 

William Kincaid, Jr. a Baltimore 
narcotics detective, was sentenced to 20 
years and eight months for cocaine 
conspiracy, possession, attempted pos- 
session and weapons charges for a se- 


ries of 1989 drug deals. Prosecutors 
appealed the sentence as too lenient, 
since it turned out that. Kincaid was 
distribi cocaine while he was out 
on bail awaiting sentencing in a bank- 
fraud case. 

In Houston, during six weeks in late 
1989, one police officer was arrested 
for heroin possession and two officers" 
houses were searched as part of a drug 
investigation. Police officials describe 
these events (as well as two officers 
shooting motorists to death after traffic 
stops. two officers convicted of rape 
and one officer charged with coercing 
sex from a prostitute) as consequences 
of budget cutbacks and low morale. 
"It's hard to get perfection for twenty- 
Rive thousand dollars a year," assistant 
police chief Thomas G. Koby said. 


THE PRICE IS RIGHT 
In September 1988, parttime in- 
spector for the U.S. Customs Jose An- 


LIN. 


e ep фаал dr PE 


Ee zu INI Ve 


PAG МАЛЛА 


gel Barron, convicted of waving cars 
and trucks loaded with marijuana 
through his border station, was sen- 
tenced i0 17 years in Federal prison 
and fined $1,700,000. He was believed 
to have received more than $1,000,000 
in bribes. He pleaded guilty to official 
Corruption, possession of more than 
1000 kilograms of marijuana and ille- 
gal money laundering. 

A cocaine scandal unfolded in 1988 
in East Chicago, Indiana, beginning 
with the arrest of Sergeant Ronald 
Jackson, a 21-year veteran, who re- 
signed from the force and received a 
pension the day he was indicted by a 
Federal grand jury. He was later con- 
victed on cocaine-trafficking charges. 
At least three other officers resigned. 


MIAMI VICE, 


In the Eighties, at least 40 law 
forcement officials in southern Florida 
were charged with major felonies, 


many involving drugs. Some high- 
lights: 

September 1982: Four metropolitan 
Dade County officers were convicted of 
civil rights violations for arresting drug 
dealers as a favor to rival smugglers. 

December 1987: Five Miami police- 
men (one of whom drove a red Lotus, a 
car that cost four times his annual 
salary) went on trial for drug traffick- 
ing and racketeering (in which nearly 
900 pounds of cocaine were stolen and 
later sold by the officers) that culminat- 
ed in the infamous Miami River inci- 
dent, in which three drug dealers 
drowned after the officers raided their 
boat. 

December 1988: Miami police chief 
Clarence Dickson estimated that as 
many as 100 officers, nearly ten per- 
cent of the force, could be involved in 
some level of corruption. 

July 1988: Two former Miami po- 
lice officers, arrested in a Federal 


Reprinted by permission: Den Weight, The Palm Beach Post, 


49 


undercover operation on charges of 
attempting to steal six kilograms of 
cocaine, were sentenced to 15 years 
in prison. 


DO UNTO OTHERS. 


In May 1988, a 31-уеаг veteran 
New York police officer, Detective 
First Grade Eugene Poulson, was 
suspended from the force and ar- 
raigned for drug possession with 
intent to sell. As an undercover 
internal-affairs officer, his own testi- 
mony had helped obtain indict- 
ments in the 1987 scandal in the 
77th Precinct, in which 13 officers 
were charged with a variety of 
crimes, including selling cocaine 
and accepting bribes from under- 
cover officers posing as drug deal- 
ers. One officer committed suicide. 

In August 1990. Federal agents 
arrested the sheriffs of four Ken- 
tucky counties, as well as a chief of 
police and a deputy sheriff, on 
charges of conspiracy to extort mon- 
ey and protect drug shipments in 
eastern Kentucky and trafficking in 
more than 290 pounds of cocaine. 

In November 1989, former Kan- 
sas City police officer Stacey M. 
"Thomas was convicted of conspiring 
to distribute cocaine. Thomas had 
resigned from the police depart- 
ment the previous year after he was 
accused of taking money from a re- 
puted drug house. 

In May 1988, Salt Lake City police 
officer Cary Dean Coonradt, 35, was 
arrested and fired from the depart- 
ment for allegedly stealing 19 grams 
of cocaine and $375 from a briefcase 
planted by undercover officers. He 
entered a guilty plea for felony theft 
in exchange for dropping the drug 
charge. 


CAREER NOVES 


A three-year drug-corruption in- 
vestigation in Milwaukee had by late 
1988 led to criminal charges against 
94 people, including seven police 
officers. Five officers were convict- 
ed of a series of drug-and-narcot- 
ics-trafficking charges, while three 
other officers resigned to avoid 
prosecution. 

A Riverhead, New York, 16-year 
veteran police officer, Vincent Gian- 
ni, was suspended without pay for 
30 days while facing 14 departmen- 
tal charges accusing him of using il- 
lit drugs while on duty, twice 
tipping off a girlfriend to impending 
drug raids and supplying drugs to 
several people. In June 1989, Gian- 


ni resigned, avoiding a town hear- 
ing and protecting his pension rights. 

The point? The lessons of Prohi- 
bition have been forgotten. When 
you criminalize drugs, you create 
huge profits, and huge amounts of 
ready cash create corruption. Now 
we have two problems—those asso- 
ciated with drug use and those as- 
sociated with the profits of an 
illegal-drug trade. Our policy has 
created a war on two fronts, one 
doomed to failure. 


Opportunity Narcs 
for Others, Too 


Police aren't the only ones who 
seem to benefit from the drug war. 

In February of this year, New Or- 
leans Federal district judge Robert 
E Collins pleaded innocent on 
charges of sharing a $100,000 bribe 
from a drug-trafficking defendant 
working as an FBI informer. The 
case is pending as of presstime. 

In the FBI's Operation Greylord 
of the mid-Fighties, 15 Cook Coun- 
ty, Illinois, judges were convicted 
of similar charges. Judges else- 
where have been convicted of 
fixing drug and other cases for tens 
of thousands of dollars a hit. 

In September 1990, New York 
authorities indicted the “Nasty 
Boys,” a gang of Federal immigra- 
tion guards who posed as agents 
from various agencies to gain ac- 
cess to apartments and homes city- 
wide and then rob them. The gang 
targeted suspected drug dealers 
and illegal aliens, believing them 
unlikely to contact authorities. 

In New Jersey, in March 1990, 
veteran prosecutor's investigators 
"Thomas Gilsenan and Ralph Ci- 
calese were sentenced under RICO 
to prison terms of 15 and 12 years, 
respectively, for protecting a mur- 
derous drug dealer in exchange for 
money, drugs and gifts. Gilsenan 
was also charged with threatening a 
witness and fabricating evidence. 
U.S. attorney Samuel A. Alito, Jr, 
said of the case, “It’s always 
difficult to convict law-enforcement 
officers of corruption.” 

In San Francisco, Esther Allen, 
who had worked as a DEA chemist 
for 15 years, was sentenced in 
November 1986 to two years in 
prison for stealing 35 ounces of co- 
caine from exhibits she was analyz- 
ing in drug cases. 


Y 
We 
all’s fair in the war 
on drugs 


By John Dentinger 


C): 


What are the three 
major plant sources 
of drugs? 


A: 


Biological plants, 
chemical plants and 
police plants. 


The Nexis search documented a 
second form of police corruption— 
one in which police abandon the 
principles of justice not for profit 
but from overzealous pursuit of pol- 
icy. When drugs czars call for be- 
headings, when police chiefs such as 
Daryl Gates call for hanging casual 
drug users from lampposts 
surprising that the foot soldiers in 
the war on drugs start bending the 
rules. 


More than a dozen state and Fed- 
eral drug cases have been tainted by 
Los Angeles sheriff's officers’ plant- 
ing drugs on suspects. according to 
Robert R. Sobel, a former sheriff's 
narcotics sergeant who turned state's 
evidence. Sobel's testimony was 
instrumental in convicting seven 
sheriff's narcotics deputies of cor- 
ruption charges. The seven were 
sentenced this past March to two to 
five years each in prison. Sobel told 
the FBI that cocaine was taken il- 
legally from the trunk of a car. It 
was then planted in a house in 
Hawthorne, California, in February 
1987, with the complicity of four 
L.A.PD. officers, Later, seven kilo- 
grams of cocaine were planted in 
the gym bag of a suspect. Sobel al- 
leged that one L.A.PD. officer 
carried a kilogram of cocaine 
in the wheel well of his squad 
car to plant on a suspect and 
that officers joked about this. 
In all, ten sheriff's narcotics 
officers were indicted and 16 
deputies suspended. And five 
L.A.PD. narcotics officers 
found themselves under inves- 
tigation. Allegations also in- 
duded claims that narcotics 
officers falsificd police reports, 
lied to a grand jury, beat sus- 
pects and stole money (more 
than $100,000), valuables and 
drugs, Five sheriff's officers 
and one L.A.PD. officer were 
indicted on Federal civil rights 
charges. 

Tn May 1990, both the coor- 
dinator of the Toombs, Geor- 
gia, judicial drug task force 
and an investigator on the 
force were fired for planting 
rock cocaine in a suspect's re- 
frigerator during a drug raid. 
No charges were filed 

In December 1989, police in 
Oakland, Califori raided 
the Oakland Housing Authori- 
ty's security office. The 396-page 
court affidavit filed to secure the 
search warrant charged that police 
of the Oakland Housing Authority 
were planting drugs near suspects, 
beating them, stealing their money 
and falsifying arrest reports. as well 
as indulging in sexual assault and 
extortion. Jonathan Allen, a former 
patrol officer for the housing au- 
thority, claims that he was fired be- 
cause he repeatedly complained to 
top officials of widespread corrup- 


tion in the police force. He said that. 
since his first week on the job, he 
had overheard officers talk about 
planting drugs near a suspect to 
make an arrest. 

During a September 1989 sting 
operation, 21-year veteran L.A.PD. 
officer Frederick Charles Fleming 
was video-taped stopping two un- 
dercover officers who were posing 
as a drug dealer and buyer and 
planting cocaine on one of them. 
Fleming resigned from the police 
department after learning of the 
sting operation and later faced 
criminal charges. 

In March 1989, three Niles, 
Michigan, police officers, Lieu- 
tenant Scott Campbell and Officers 
William Veal and Richard Huff, 


were charged with conspiring to 
plant marijuana on a suspect. A 
fourth officer was suspended for in- 
volvement in the alleged scheme but 
was not criminally charged. These 
suspensions, plus a fifth unrelated 
one, reduced the city’s 20-member 
police department by 25 percent. 
In a 1989 plea bargain, Donald 
Ernstmeyer, a reserve deputy with 
the Los Angeles Sheriff's Depart- 
ment originally charged with con- 
spiring to plant heroin on a woman 


to whom he owed money, was al- 
lowed, instead, to plead guilty to 
charges of illegal use of a law-en- 
forcement computer. 

In 1988, Virginia Beach, Virginia, 
deputy sheriff Thomas Priest and 
his brother James, a Norfolk police 
officer, were convicted for their part 
in a conspiracy to plant cocaine on a 
woman so she could be arrested. 

In December, 1987, two New 
York City police officers were sus- 
pended on charges of planting evi- 
dence on a suspect. 

Upton County Texas, sheriff 
Glenn Willeford and three deputies 
were indicted in 1987 for planting 
marijuana in a suspect's home. 
Willeford received a fine of $5000 
and eight years of probation. 

It took. Audrey Lewis and 
Emerson Vereen only 15 
years—and a special act of 
Congress—to receive compen- 
sation for a 1972 incident in 
which a Federal narcotics 
agent and a Baltimore police 
detective planted drugs in 
their apartment and executed 
a false search warrant, result- 
ing in Lewis’ wrongful conv 
tion and loss of employment. 

To show how the climate has 
changed: In 1974, Vermont 
state police undercover nar- 
cotics agent Paul Lawrence 
was arrested for framing sus- 
pects in drug cases. He was 
convicted and sentenced to 
jail. More than 50 people 
convicted because of his un- 
corroborated testimony were 
pardoned in 1977 by then- 
governor Thomas Salmon. 

By the next decade, with the 
war on drugs in full rhetorical 
blitzkrieg, leaders were less i 
clined to take responsibility for 
the actions of corrupt police. 
When an investigation showed 
that some Portland, Oregon, 
officers had planted drugs on sus- 
pects, taken personal property from 
them and lied to obtain search war- 
rants, the district attorney asked 
then-governor Vic Atiych to pardon 
56 people whose records were thus 
tainted. 

The governor declined, telling 
the victims to seek new trials. 

Today, a drug czar would haye 
these innocents taken out and bil 
clubbed on general principle. 


5 


N E W 


5 МЕ ER 


OF ENS SE 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


BONE OF CONTENTION — 


ORLAND FARK, ILLINOI5—School authori- 
ties required a 16-year-old high school jun- 
tor to disrobe to prove that the bulge in his 
crotch was not drugs, which students com- 


monly stash in their pants. The subject was 
found innocent of concealing anything 
other than himself. In trying to explain to 
the student's mother how the mistake had 
been made, a teacher apparently made 
matters worse by saying, "I don't know how 
to put this to you delicately, but have you 
ever heard of John Holmes?” The mother 
has filed a lawsuit seeking $225,000 for 
ап unreasonable search of her son. 


“JUDGEWHO САВЕ == 
NEW YORK crrv— Troubled by New York's 
"revolving -door" approach to prostitution, 
Gustin L. Reichlach, a judge temporarily 
assigned to Manhaltan’s arraignment 
court, has tried an educational approach 
of offering hookers on-the-spol AIDS 
counseling. a blood test and a supply of 
free condoms. Almost half of the women 
accepted the offer. One suspect thanked His 
Honor, saying, “Tue been in and out of 
here seems like a hundred times and this is 
the first lime anyone ever treated me like I 
was a human being.” 


CAMPUS CRIME 


SPRINGFIELD, MISsOURI—A Federal judge 
has ruled that colleges and universities 


cannot use privacy laws to deny access to 
campus crime reports. The ий was 
brought by a college-newspaper editor at 
Southwest Missouri State Uniwersity with 
the assistance of the Student Press Law 
Center in Washington, D.C., and the 
Playboy Foundation. The victory will aid 
student journalists and neuspaper re- 
porters who investigate crime at image- 
conscious schools that have been treating 
such information with the same confiden- 
tiality as they do educational records. 


GEORGIA CRACKERS 


ATLANTA—A $200,000 study will test 
every baby born in the state of Georgia in 
а one-year period to measure drug use 
among pregnant women. Funded largely 
through the March of Dimes and intended 
only to develop reliable statistics, the re- 
search will use the blood samples that are 
routinely taken from newborns to detect 
genetic abnormalities and screen them 
anonymously for the presence of cocaine. 

DENVER—Scholars from The National 
Science Foundation warn that the libel suit 
is becoming an effective tactic for silencing 
the critics of large corporations or organi- 
zations. In a study conducted for the 
NS.E, a Denver law school professor 
found more than 1000 legal actions in the 
past ten years in which protests of one kind 
or another were met with large suits for 
damages, a phenomenon the researchers 
dubbed SLAPP (for Strategic Lawsuits 
Against Public Participation). Although 
most of the cases are eventually throu out 
of court on First Amendment or other legal 
grounds, it seems that corporate attorneys 
have found that the threat of costly litiga- 
tion can serve as a deterrent to trouble- 
makers, 


LONDON —Brilain's Pregnancy Adviso- 
ry Service plans to artificially inseminate a 
woman in her 20s who has no intention of 
ever getting married or having sex. The 
medical, theological and political commu- 
nities have questioned the wisdom of sci- 
ences arranging a virgin birth, but the 
service says il sees no difference between 


helping women who are virgins and others 
who are single, married, heterosexual or 


lesbian who want to get pregnant. Govern- 
ment officials are reluctant to ban concep- 
tions, conventional or otherwise, but one 
Tory legislator grumped that “one virgin 
birth for elernity is enough.” 


PORN TAX 


OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON—Afler a similar 
measure was vetoed by the governor in 
1989, the state legislature is again trying 
to destroy porn by taxing it. Senate Bill 
5845 proposes an 18.5 percent lax on 
each book, magazine or newspaper that is 
“primarily oriented to an interest in sex,” 
in spite of a U.S. Supreme Court ruling 
that expressly forbids special taxes on pub- 
lications. The Media Coalition, which op- 
poses the bill, said that such а law would 
violate First Amendment rights by requir- 
ing creation of a list of taxable books and 
magazines that wholesalers and booksellers 
would shy away from as adult-entertain- 
‘ment materials. 


- BETRUETO YOUR SCHOOL 


FORT WAYNE, INDIANA— With the increas- 
ing emphasis on safe sex, the idea of Tro- 
jans marching onto a playing field can 
conjure up the wrong image. Accordingly, 


some members of Elmhurst High School 
want to trade in their Trojans for a team 
name that isn't synonymous with condoms. 
However, the majority of students consider 
their Trojans too much of a school tradition 
to abandon because of a few snickers. 


Tossing back a little JB. 


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«uis DARYL GATES 


a candid conversation with l.a.’s controversial top cop about police brutality, 
his fight to keep his job and the time tommy lasorda wanted a ticket fixed 


Over the weekend, he had been in Wash- 
ington, altending Attorney General Richard 
Thornburgh’s crime summit, which would 
conclude on Tuesday with a luncheon at the 
White House. But in one of those curious 
quirks of fate, as President George Bush was 
addressing the law-enforcement officials, 
telling them if they wanted lo look at a real 
American hero, they should look at Los Ange- 
les chief of police Daryl Gates, Gates was al- 
ready back in Los Angeles becoming, il 
seemed, an all-American scapegoat. 

Stepping off the plane Monday night in 
L.A., Gates gol the new: st after midnight 
on Sunday, a black motorist, Rodney King, 
had been stopped for speeding and, in an in 
cident that has become infamous, was badly 
beaten by at least four L.A. cops while as 
many as 23 other officers stood nearby. A res- 
ident of a nearby apartment building taped 
the attack with his new video camera, and it 
first aired on TV shortly before Gates landed. 
“Chief, it’s really bad,” his driver said. 

No one could imagine how bad. The Rod- 
ney King meident was to tum Los Angeles m- 
side out and become a nationwide scandal. 
Black activists and civil libertarians held dar 
ly press conferences denouncing Gates, The 
Los Angeles Times attacked ham with un- 
usnally aggressive coverage and editorials. 


“I was probably one of the original ‘Down 
with women in police work." Not that 1 didn’ 
think they had a place; in the right place, they 
were fine. 1 don't feel that way any longer. l'oe. 
‚seen loo many women do an oulstanding job.” 


Gates appointed an independent commission 
to look into police practices, only to be one- 
upped by Mayor Tom Bradley, who appointed 
a commission of his oum. Fram then on, the 
mayor and the police chief, longtime rivals 
who speak to each other only when necessary, 
began plotting their moves like Kasparov and 
Karpou. The mayor publicly suggested that 
Gates resign. From there, the controversy 
mushroomed, splitting the city’s political pow- 
er structure in two. The chief refused lo quit, 
the police commission (chosen by the mayor) 
suspended him and the city council—acting 
out of a combination of support for Gates and 
antipathy toward Bradley—went to court to 
gel Gates his job back. Meanwhile, il seemed 
that the entire city was consumed in the good- 
cop/bad-cop problem. Community groups от- 
ganized recall campaigns—some aimed at 
Gates, others at Bradley. By the time a judge 
ruled that Gates could keep his job, almost ev- 
ery branch of city government had been in- 
volved in the conimuersy. 

Tall, tan and obsessively fit, Gates, who 
turns 62 m August, 15 experienced when и 
comes to being in the center of a storm. From 
the moment he took over as chief of police in 
1978, he repeatedly managed to stun vast 
subgroups of the L.A. population with his 
seemingly thoughtless remarks. 


“What they're implying is that 1 should take 
all the blame and retire. That is not what The 
buch stops here! means. Funll take the flak un- 
til 1 find that somebody else is wrong—and 
then ГЇ go after him, with a vengeance.” 


Latinos, he joked, rose slowly through the 
ranks of the L.A.PD., possibly because they 
were "lazy." Women had their place but nol as 
officers of the L.A.PD. As far as recruiting 
more gays—who'd want to work with one? 
And—worst of all—the reason black suspects 
were dying from vigorous application of the 
choke hold, Gates once volunteered, might be 
thal “veins or arteries of blacks do not open as 
fast as they do in normal people.” 

There was more. Last fall, Gates told a 
Congressional committee, “АЙ casual drug 
users ought to be taken oul and shot." 

Almost always, the chief deflected bl 
his remarks to his nemesis, the L.A 
He claimed he was misquoted, misunderstood, 
bamboozled. 

Whatever Gates really meant by his per- 
ceived slurs, his actions generally spoke loud- 
er than lus words, Following a court dictum, 
he drastically changed the complexion of the 
police department, hiring thousands of wom- 
en, Latinos and blacks—then defending 
them, if need be, т the same paternalistic way 
he defended any of his officers who came un- 
der attack. And he continued to run a depart- 
ment of 8300 that was widely considered the 
finest in the country. His officers adored him, 
L.A. conservatives made him their hero and 
even the police commussion—which haved 


е for 


nes. 


PHOTOGRAPHY EYKERRY MORRIS. 


“Our people are not perfect; we don't sign 
them up on some far-off planet and bring 
them into police service They are products of 
society, and let me tell you, the human product 
today often is pretty weak.” 


55 


PLAYBOY 


56 


Gates and would later try lo suspend him— 
gave him consistently high marks. Popularity 
polls named him the most respected Republi- 
can in Los Angeles. 

Gales's biggest problem, it seemed, was thal 
he had come from a time and place that were 
no longer relevant. Born in 1926, he grew up 
in Highland Park, a blue-collar suburb near 
Los Angeles, where men were while, boys 
would be bays and women had their place. Al- 
though his family was poor, Gates likes to 
point ont, it never occurred to him to steal 
somebody's hotile of milk—so much for the the- 
ory that poverty leads to crime. 

Afier serving two years in the Navy during 
World War Tuo, Gates returned home to be a 
lawyer. Bul after completing three years al 
USC, and needing а job lo support his preg- 
nant wife, he heard that the police academy 
was recruiting officers. Thinking it would be 
easy work for a while, he signed up. 

As a rookie, Gales was noticed right away 
by William Parken; the new, no-nonsense chief 
of police who cleaned up the department's cor- 
rupt ways and sel ils us-againsl-them tone for 
the decades to fallow. Gates became his driver 
and bodyguard and climbed the ranks fast. 

Among law-enforcement professionals, 
Gates is considered an innovator. He devel- 
oped the concept for $ "(Special Weapons 
and Tactics), which is now used around the 
world as an offense against terrorist tactics. In 
1983, he also persuaded the beard of educa- 
tion to devise а drug-education program that 
his police officers could teach т schools 
Called DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Edu- 
cation), thal program is now offered through- 
oul the U.S. 

Despile attempts by Gates and his lieu- 
lenanls to keep pace wilh the rapidly changing 
landscape of Los Angeles, disturbing trends 
continued. The L-A.PD., unlike any other po- 
lice force in America, is accountable to no one. 
The chief of police may serve as long as he 
wishes. He can be removed, according to city 
charter, only if caught committing a crime. 

The department seemed untouchable, as 
well. For decades, district attorneys, liberal- 
minded politicians and even the mayor rately 
spoke above a whisper when outraged by what 
seemed another incident of excessive force by 
the L.A.PD. The L.A.PD. responded to these 
charges, saying they were part of the depart- 
ment’s altempl to altack crime before it hap- 
pened. If, occasionally, they beat up the wrong 
guy, this was the price society had to pay. 

And, in truth, as streel violence and gang 
warfare grew worse, most Angelenos grudg- 
ingly preferred a strong police force. 

And so it wenl—until a plumber with a 
camcorder caught а scene that horrified and 
galvanized Americans more than anything 
they had seen on TV since the Gulf war. 

Months before, hoping to gel some straight 
talk on crime in America, Playboy had sent 
Dione K. Shah lo interview Gates. A journalist 
and novelist, Shah was winding up her exten- 
sive talks with Gales when the Rodney King 
beating stormed the airwaves. Her report: 

"he first time 1 met ‘the chief, as he likes to 
be called, was the morning after the death of 


Tina Kerbrat, 1.A.’s first female police officer 
to be killed im the line of duty. He walked into 
a press conference and angrily attacked the 
man who shot her, calling him, ‘an El Sal- 
vadoran asshole’ and, in true Gates fashion, 
stirred. up a storm of protest. But later that 
morning, as we lalked, he seemed visibly shah- 
en by Kerbrat’s death, and after our three- 
hour interview, he thanked me for taking his 
mind off the tragedy. 

“He was, as always, impeccably turned out. 
His suits are beautifully tailored. Often, he 
wears a pocket kerchief. Always a DARE pin. 
There was no hint that morning, in either his 
appearance or his responses, that he had been 
up all night at the hospital, comforting Ker- 
brat’s husband and her distraught partner. 
Nor did he mention it. 

“The chief has often been called charming, 
even by his enemies. If that is the correct word, 
й і not displayed in a slick, gushing manner. 
Rather, Gates is soft-spoken, somewhat shy, 
self-deprecating and able to poke fun al him- 
self. His manner; though, can belie his words. 
One of the most striking things about him is 
that you can talk with him and find yourself 
appreciating his intelligence, the rationale be- 


“He certainly didn't 
deserve what occurred. On 
Ihe other hand, I 
don’t think he deserves 
this picture of 
a model citizen.” 


hind his thinking —even if you don't necesar- 
ily agree with it—and his deep concerns about 
today's troubled society. But when confronted 
with the transcripts of those conversalions— 
the Mack-and-uhie words stripped of their 
low-key delivery—what you have, at times, 
sounds like the ravings of a narrow-minded, 
stubborn, unenlightened despot. П is those 
words, appearing in print, thal have often 
caused the chief so much grief. 

We spoke three times after the King mci- 
dent. The first time was two days after the 
video tape hit the airwaves. All day, а steady 


stream of officials had paraded in and ош of 


Gates's office, as public outrage over the sadis- 
tic heating began to heat up. И was question- 
able, however, whether Gates fully understood 
the impact the incident would have. Fuen 
when we talked again, he was stubbornly 
blaming his enemies for many of his troubles.” 


PLAYBOY: You looked at the Rodney King 
tapes for the first time yesterday morn- 
ng. What are your thought 
GATES: It’s an example of many things 
that probably should be dealt with. 
Clearly, we have a situation that has 
caused great concern—outrage is the 
word that’s been used most often. And 1 


think the most critical comments have 
come from сї 
the Ame 
statements are alarming to me. Be- 
t they are saying, in effect, is a 
iation of everything I thought the 


sumed innocence and right to a fair trial 
before you're lynched, And what they 
are calling for is a lynching. 
PLAYBOY: You yourself said that you were 
horrified when you saw the tap 
GATES: | was. But 1 said wc ought not 
to make any judgments. Particularly, 7 
ought not to. I tried to explain that by 
saying, “I am the one who will make the 
final decision on these officer: 
Sull, people w 
ified by what they saw 

"m more horrified by some of the 
It's not that 
jolence hap- 
And it's not that we're not used to 
t police officer here and there. 
But I'm horrified by the indictment of 
the good work of more than 
En police officers day in, day out, 


genuinely 


[weeks ago, and one of them losing 
life. All of that’s forgotten. 

PLAYBOY: You're refer 1 
brat, the first female police olficer in L.A. 
to be killed, and the wounding, in sey 
rate dents, of four other officers. 
GATE: 
are outraged. And they have a 
be. But I think a lot of people 
saying, "C'mon. Let's give them the 
benefit of the doubt.” They're saying, 
“You know, this wasn't the nicest guy in 
the world. He's a parole robb 


ng one hundred fifteen 
1 two thousand pounds 
ir every single person 


miles an hour, 
of metal, тепа; 
on the str 


GATES: I know. So can you ir 
one hi 
Mee i cred No vet s n 
h “He had a job. On 
Monday. A prevented him from 
ing to his job. g- And he 
hose things 
d that. people 
in a proper perspective. 

п what was shown on the 
tape, it’s hard to share your perspective. 
GATES: We are a deal of 
sympathy for this guy. And, you know, 
уре we ought to. He certainly didn’t 
at occurred. But on the other 
nd, I don't think he deserves this pic- 
¢ ol a model citizen that is being paint- 
ше little kids, and I'm gon: 


about hii 


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PLAYBOY 


straight.” 
PLAYBOY: Isn't this a justification —— 
GATES: We polled a lot of people, and 
some of the good people are saying- 
shockingly, maybe—' Ah, he probably 
deserved it. I didn't see anything wrong 
with all that." See, there are other peo- 
ple on the other side 

[Three weeks later, as Mayor Tom Bradley 
was preparing lo ask Gates lo resign and the 
police commission was about lo suspend him 
temporarily, Gates was asked if his perceptions 
had changed.) 
PLAYBOY: In hindsight, was your initial 
reaction to the incident appropriate? 
GATES: People continued to harp on the 
fact that my initial reaction was so bland 
I keep trying to point out that 1 had to 
put on my hat as a judge, knowing that 
this thing ultimately would come to me 
for adjudication. But, asa matter of fact. 
a дау or two later, when I went before 
the police commission, I remember say- 
ing it was “shocking.” I worried about 
that, thinking, What will happen if I ad- 
judicate these cases? They will take it to 
court and say, “You made up your mind 
before you had an investigation.” 
PLAYBOY: Do you think that if you had 
This horrifies me; w 
rid of these people,” you would have 


said. "ve got to get 
changed the course of events? 

GATES: Ma 
tainly would have given them less of an 


be; I'm not so sure. It cer- 


opportunity to pick at me. But since 


then, I don't know how many times I've 
declared how bad this thing was. 
PLAYBOY: Did the message come across? 
GATES: By Wednesday, I was able to give 
my full reaction, because Internal Affairs 
had investigated the incident. I had been 
given a report on it and knew the tape 
was valid—in other words, it had not 
been tampered with. And by Thursday, 
on PrimeTime Live, I indicated that I had 
been sickened. 

PLAYBOY: Two of the officers present dur- 
ing the attack allegedly falsified their re- 
ports. How do you feel about that? 
Gates: These are individuals who really 
don't respect department rules, depart- 
ment procedures or the values of this de- 
partment. If they beat somebody, well, 
sure, they're going to falsify the report 
And if they've got that kind of mind-set 
they don't mind making racial remarks 
on a tape. If this thing hadn't been 
video-taped, I can't believe we would not 
have had a complaint and, ultimately, an 
investigation. There were enough wit- 
nesses, and King’s injuries were severe 
enough. to have taken action against the 
officers. I really believe that would have 
taken place had it not been video-taped 
PLAYBOY: Why were you so vehement in 
your defense of the officers? 

Gates: It’s instinctive. I do defend my 
officers until I find out they're wrong 
Somebody once 


aid I was paternalistic 


J was never offended by that. I'm like a 


father, in that initially, my reaction is go- 
ing to be, “Hey, that’s not my kid. My kid 
didn’t do that." That doesn't mean I 
don't follow through. When I find they're 
wrong, I discipline them. Sometimes 1 
shove them from the family. Um a good 
father who makes sure that his kids con- 
duct themselves properly. That's my rep- 
utation, and I'm very, very proud of that 
[After another four weeks, Gates was again 
asked about the King inciden.) 
PLAYBOY: You've had a chance to read 
the report from your internal-affairs de 
partment. Have your feelings changed? 
Gates: No. My feelings are exactly what 
they were in the beginning. They had 
somebody in a postpursuit situation. He 
was acting crazy. He was big, very big 
Very strong. He rushed the officers. He 
was Tasered, which was normal proce- 
dure. He was struck by a baton. He went 
down. He tried to get up. Several times, 
he tried to get up. He was told to stay 
down. And, at that point, the sergeant 
lost it. [Quietly] In my judgment 
PLAYBOY: How should it have been han- 
dled? 
Gates: There were enough officers and 
they should have dealt with it. 1 think it 
the sergeant's responsibility. And the 
one officer, Laurence M. Powell, I think 
Unfortunately, the 
two others kind of followed along. I feel 


reacted excessively 


sorriest for Theodore J. Briseno because 
of that one kick. I'm not sure he really 


meant to do that. He's the one who 
pushed Powell back the first time. 
PLAYBOY: How would vou rate the media 
coverage of the event? 

GATES: I've seen several articles about 
how “the chief doesn't understand that 
the buck stops with him.” How in the 
hel do they believe the buck hasn't 
stopped with me? 1 am the one who's 
taking all the flak and I’m assuming the 
responsibility to go forward and fix 
whats wrong. My life has not been a 
happy one. It would be easy for me to 
walk away and retire. Гуе got a big fat 
retirement, I've got a place at the beach. 
But I'm staying here to fix the problem: 
Time magazine, Newsweek, The Washington 
Post, they all said exactly the same thing: 
that | don't understand that the buck 
stops here. What they're implying is that 
1 should take all the blame and retire. 
That is not, in my judgment, what “The 
buck stops here" means. lt means I take 
the responsibility to бх what's wrong. 
And if | find, in a very careful assess- 
ment, that someone didn't do his job, 
then I will take action. But I don't just do 
it right off the top of my head. I'm fair 
and I'm objective and thoughtful, and I 
will take the flak until I find that some- 
body else is wrong—and then ГЇЇ go afi- 
er him, with a vengeance. 

PLAYBOY: Why did this become a nation- 
wide scandal? 

don't think I have it completely 


analyzed. But some things come to 
mind: One, clearly there was a void in 
the news. The conflict in the Middle East 
had ended and there was nothing there 
to fill the tube. They were looking for 
something startling, and this came 
along. And it was perfect for television, 
because it was visual. 

PLAYBOY: We'll buy that for about a week. 
GATES: New York had a couple of cases 
even more severe than this onc. I'd been 
reading about those and I thought, Gol- 
ly, a murder, five officers indicted. for 
killing somebody; and then another case 
where they pulled a suspect out of a cab 
and pistol-whipped him. I thought, Gee 
whiz, that's pretty bad. Why isn't there a 
focus on New York? 

PLAYBOY: Why do you think there isn't? 
Gates: | really believe everybody 
jumped on me because I said the inci- 
dent was an "aberration." That was a 
bad word. Гуе been meaning to look it 
up in the dictionary to find out why it's 
such a bad word. I still believe it’s an 
aberration. I think the L.A. reputation 
was, and has been for such a long time, 
that of an incorruptible department with 
tremendous honesty and integrity, high 
principles and values. It just couldn't 
happen in Los Angeles—and it did. I 
think that added to the story. It shocked 
people. They felt betrayed 
PLAYBOY: But what about the loc 
tion? 


I reac 
ery group in the city has jumped 


on the police-brutality band wagon. 
GATES: | think you have to look at what 
they're jumping on. 

ou 

GATES: Yeah. I understand that. Well, I 
don't understand some of it, I under- 
stand part of it. I understand the 
A.C.L.U. They don't like me and have 
never liked me. Гуе been critical of 
them, very critical of them, and this gave 
them the opportunity to say, "Boy, we're 
going to get him." 

PLAYBOY: Do you think the L.A. Times is 
out to get you, too? It called for your res- 
ignation only days afier the beating. 
GATES: | think the L.A, Times is up to hi 
with my criticism of it. Гуе never given a 
speech in which I haven't criticized the 
Т.А. Times. Although I've praised it as a 
great newspaper, Гуе always said that a 
great newspaper ought to be more care- 
ful with the truth. I used to send editors 
copies of stories from other newspapers, 
saying, "The problem with your editori 
als is you read and believe your own 
newspaper. This is what somebody else 
aid about the same thing." I think the 
just got fed up, like a lot of other people, 
and said, “Hey, this is the time: Let's go 
get him!” 

PLAYBOY: Is Mayor Bradley getting back 
at you, тоо? 

GATES: 1 think some of the people in his 
office are 

PLAYBOY: Would this have something to 


not watered down, 
To drink light 
yer satisfy 
completely 
For refreshment 


KNOW WHEN TO SAY WHEN ` 


© ә! Anheuser Busch. Ine. S1 Lous. Mo Bud Ory Drait 


PLAYBOY 


do with the fact that your department is 
investigating Bradley for possible finan- 
cial misconduct? 
GATES: Yes, I think that’s another "coinci- 
dence," if you will. The L.A. Times ran a 
series of articles on Bradley and his 
financial dealings, and they accused sev- 
eral people from his administration of 
improper activity. Some of my people 
came to me and s; hese are in vio- 
ation of the law. What do we do?" I said, 
“We do what we always do.” 
PLAYBOY: Is the investigation into possi 
ble wrongdoing still going on? 
GATES: We have been proceeding with a 
complete investigation. We started out 
with two investigators and we've had to 
pur six people on. It’s still ongoing. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think thar's why the 
mayor asked you to resign 
GATES: I hope not, but it’s sure coine 
dental with our investigation. Whether it 
is or it isn't, what i 
control is obtained by the mayor of this 
y, there won't be any 
tions by the Los Angeles Police Depart- 
ment—that's for sure. 
PLAYBOY: The most consistent complaint 
against the department is excessive or 
unreasonable force. It has been a recur- 
ing criticism throughout your tenure as 
chief of police. Not long ago, there wa 
the Thirty-ninth and Dalton en 
which eighty cops looking for dr 


more investiga 


stroyed four apartments in two buildings 
These 


and terrorized fifty-five citize 
incidents of brutality crop up г 
and invariably with blacks. 
GATES: | think that’s your impre; 
know of no proof that this is true. 
PLAYBOY: Is there more fear in the minds 
of police officers concerning blacksz 
GATES: | think there's more fear when 
they arc in an area where the potential is 
greater for some kind of violent activity 
There are many communities—blac! 
communities—where theres not an 
ounce of fear. There's no violence there. 
In some communities that are predomi 
nantly Caucasian, there is a [car, because 
of motorcycle gangs, things of that na 
So it's the apprehension that comes 
the officer's knowledge of wi 
happens there. 

PLAYBOY: Do incidents of brutality hap- 
pen to white people, and we just dont 
read about them? 

GATES: We have complaints from a broad 
cross-section of the public. It isn't just 
one group that complains to us. But it’s 
much more fashionable to say, "Well, it's 
because there's racism”; that's an 
thing to latch on to. And, unlortunately, 
it's latched on to all the time, whether 
there's any truth in it or not. 

PLAYBOY: Recently, Jamaal Wilkes, the 
former L.A. Laker, was hauled out of his 
car and handculled supposedly because 
the light over his license plate was out. 
It's hard to recall a white athlete's being 
removed from his car and handculled. 


GATES: І don't know that a white athlete 
would necessarily complain about it. “I 
was stopped because ] was white," 
Пу said is, “I was stopped be- 
cause I was black," regardless of why 
they're stopped. Or “I was stopped һе. 
a fancy car and I'ma kid. 
‘om white kids all the time. 
We always reach for these excuses, rath- 
er than deal factual way. I wouldn't 
know Jamaal Wilkes if I saw him. 
PLAYBOY: He's tall. 
ates: Yeah, tall. А lot of ta | people out 
there. Some people have such egos. 
They say to themselves. “They should 
have known who I was." Or “Can't they 
tell the difference between a criminal 
and a decent person?" How do I know? 
PLAYBOY: Yes, but if a police officer asked 
us to get out of the car—at gunpoint— 
it's hard to say how decently we would 
feel like behaving. 
GATES: You'd get out of the car. [Snaps his 
fingers] Just like that 
PLAYBOY: But we'd be angry: 
GATES: 175 all right to be angry. That's 
not the point. The point is that people 
believe that an officer ought to be able to 
tell the difference between a good per- 
son and a criminal. We have a policy on. 
the use of force, and our officers are well 
trained in that. They are judged on all 
of th It there's a shooting, they are 
judged. Full and complete reports. This 
is a well-run, well-disciplined depart- 
той (en 


there 
ity. But they're wor d a very difficult 
world. A very violent world. 
PLAYBOY: But officers do exceed their au- 
thority sometimes. 
GATES: Of course. I mean, people make 
mistakes in every walk of life. Our peo- 
ple are not perfect; we dont sign them 
up on some far-off planet and bring them 
nto police service. They are products of 
society, and let me tell you, the human 
product today often is pretty weak. A lot 
of these young people we're bringing on 
today grew up in a troubled society. 
PLAYBOY: Is it a problem finding quali- 
fied ollicers 
GATES: [Sarcastically] 1 he two officers in- 
volved in this [King] incident are long- 
time veterans. One's got four years, and. 
the other's got about nine, ten months, 
you know: 
PLAYBOY: Are vou saying they were not 
ified to be out ther 
s a problem in the de- 
partment. A police officer takes a min 
mum of four to five years before he's 
earning his salary. Belore he knows 
where the bathroom is, really. 
PLAYBOY: lhat makes sense. 


But in the 


meantume— 
GATES: Police olficers make mistakes. 
When you look at the police profession 


and relate it to almost any other proles 
ston, I think you'll hind fewer mistakes. 
We operate in a more complicated 


and difficult arena than almost any other 
profession. Nobody else has to make the 
kinds of decisions that police officers do. 
Nobody else has to get his blood pre: 
sure and his pulse rate up so high, and 
then drop it down and make an immedi- 
ate decision based on a variety of factors. 
And then we expect perfection. 
PLAYBOY: Some people say you're tough- 
er on your own men when discipline or 
honesty breaks down than you are when 
late the rights of others. 

GATES: We do not teach our people to 
steal, or to cheat, or to be dishonest. We 
do teach them to use force. We hope that 
it's been used appropriately and in con- 
cert with our policy. But there's a lot of 
room for discussion in these kinds of 
things. I recognize that. I pay attention 
to that. And I can be very hard if I think 
it'sa very wanton act. I'm very, very hard 
on my people if I think they've just 
abused somebody. If 1 think they were 
doing their very best to deal with a tough 
tuation, and they used some force, and 
perhaps they got the last whack in—they 
didn't mean to, but they did. It's tough 
to distinguish whether the last whack 
was necessary. I give ‘em the benefit of 
the doubt. I think they deserve it 
PLAYBOY: Meanwhile, the city of L. 
paid out twenty-three million dollars in 
damages in the past five years to people 
who brought suit against the L.A.PD. for 
violation of civil rights. 

GATES: Right. And even if we're oper 
ing in complete good faith, and we don't 
recognize Jamaal Wilkes when he gets 
out of his red car, or whatever color car 
he has, we're immediately suspect. And 
we get sued. 

It's suspect why he was stopped 
in the first place. 
GATES: What I understand is that they 
stopped him because [his license plate] 
wasnt illuminated. Belore he left, they 
told him, "By the way, your license is 
about to expire," and then a warrant 
came up and it appeared he fit the de- 
scription on the warrant. And he was in 
a high-crime area 

PLAYBOY: Then they decided, after they 
had handcuffed him, that he didn't fit 
the description on the warrant. 

GATES: In the particular area in which he 
was stopped, there was a series of rob- 
beries going on, and the captain said 
they were using [traffic] violations as a 
way of stopping people. As a captain, I 
used to tell my people, “If you're a good 
police officer, you look at traffic viola: 
uons. You look at equipment violations. 
One, it’s m the best inter оГ wathe 
salety. Two, it gives you an opportunity 
to take a look at this person in a high- 
crime area and make a judgment. You 
may see sometlung m the car that causes 
you to be even more suspicious." If peo- 
ple think we have some 
with which we can suddenly tell who's a 
criminal and who isn't а criminal, they re 


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foolish. We don't 

PLAYBOY: Isn't this kind of à 
ask-questions-later approach? 

GATES: Let me just say this: People have 
to grapple with the fact that they hire the 
police to do what the police do. And then 
they get mad about it 
PLAYBOY: What is the most ou 
sponse you have ever received? 

GATES: Oh, boy. Гус had a lot of them. I 
think, maybe, the sheer numbers of tele- 
phone calls and mail were from Opera 
tion Rescue. 

PLAYBOY: The group that org: 
anti-abortion demonstration? 
Gates: Yeah, when they came here and 
tried to close down a clinic or two, They 
didn't like the way we got them to move. 
How was that? 

irst, we asked them to move— 
we were very nice, actually When they 
didn't, we told them they were under а 
rest and asked them to get up and walk 
over, And when they refused, we used 
basic techniques to get them to respond. 
PLAYBOY: That sounds like police talk. 
GATES: They didn't move, so we used 
a grip. Nothing very harmful. 1 gu 

it was a little painful. In a way, it was 
kind of comical They had designed 
some really fine tactics to thwart law 
enforcement. Squigpling, doing all 
kinds of things. And we had devel- 
oped some tactis, 100. We used our 
horses, we thought, very effectively 
We used them to block off those who 
wanted to come in. And then, horses be- 
ing horses, they have to take care of bod- 
ily functions. So a lot of that was right 
there on the sidewalk. And as we asked 
people to move—as we helped them 
move—many of them would be slid right 
through that stuff. And you'd see them 
calculating, Well, I think LI move. 
[Laughs] V kind of chuckled over that. 
PLAYBOY: How many did you arrest? 
GATES: | think we arrested three hun- 
dred forty the first time and two hun- 
dred fifty the next time. We have since 
convicted almost all of them. 

PLAYBOY: On what charges? 

GATES: In most cases, it was trespassing. 
Or resisting arrest. All of the Christia 
[radio] stations were down on me for do- 
ing that. I had Gongressmen and state 
legislators writing to me, telling me what 
a horrible person I was. They would ex- 
tol the virtues of these people, saying 
that they were all good Christians and all 
good folks, and 1 ought to recognize 
that. And, I suppose, 1 could have done 
that personally, but I couldn't do that as 
chief of police. There is something in the 
Consutution of the United States called 
equal protection. So if 1 go out and treat 
a demonstration by the revolutionary 
Communist Party, which can get pretty 
violent, differently, then I would be 
treating them in a preferential way. | 
would be saying, “Well, this is a nice 
group, and this is a bad group, so we'll 


shoot-first, 


ged re- 


nized the 


3 


treat the bad group differently from the 
way we treat the nice group.” Гуе never 
been able to get that point across. 
PLAYBOY: Still, it seems you're always 
backtracking. Ata press conference, alt- 
er Tina Kerbrat was killed, you referred 
to the man who shot her as "an El Sal- 
vadoran asshole.” 

GATES: Oh—did 1 say that? 

PLAYBOY: That and more. You said, “This 
isan asshole. An absolute no-good son of 
a bitch asshole." 

GATES: Did | say that? [Laughs] Hmmm 
PLAYBOY: It seems that you have a pat- 
tern of saying something inflammatory, 
then, when everybody comes after you, 
it’s the media's fault 

GATES: What I criticize people for is the 
misinterpretation of some of the things I 
say. And it bothers me, because I'm pret- 
ty direct. I think people object to that di- 
rectness. They want you to be bland 
And when you're not bland, they won't 
make the second inquiry of, “What did 
you mean by that, Chief?” When I called 
this m Salvadoran asshole, why 
didn't they ask, “Do you mean that for 
all El Salvadorans?” They don't ask that 
They make the interpretation them- 
selves. Pd be very happy to explain what 
I said. And this is a good example. I 
didn't criticize all El Salvadorans. Others 
are even suggesting 1 was criticizing all 
Hispanics. Tina's maiden name was Za- 
pata. She was a Hispanic. You think I 
would criticize all Hispanics? I was criti- 
cizing one individual. 

PLAYBOY: Another statement you made 
resulted in a one-hundred-seventy- 
thousand-dollar judgment against you 
personally. A man sued the police for 
breaking his nose when they searched 
his home. During the trial. you said, 
"[He's] lucky that’s all he had broken. 
How much is a broken nose worth? I 
dont think it’s worth anything.” 

GATES: My statement was totally accu- 
rate. Anyway, the statement had nothing 
10 do with the lawsu 
PLAYBOY: Weren't you sued for making 


nan 


GATES: The suit was taking place and I 
was asked to testify. Which I did. 1 came 
out of court. And 1 was attacked by the 
media. [Laughs] No 一 1 was interviewed 
I simply wanted to bring to the public's 
attention facts that were not brought to 
the jurys attention. 1 told the media 
what [ thought of this case—that the 
award was wrong. The plaintiff's attor- 
ney went back into court and read new 
paper accounts of what I was alleged 10 
have said to the media. And vou know— 
you're in the media—that it's not always 
accurate reporting. 

PLAYBOY: But you did say it. 

GATES: Some of it I may have said, some 
1 didn't say, But they should've gotten 
me back in there, on the witness stand, 
under oath, and said, “Chief—what did 
you say? What did you mean when you 


said these things?” Never once. I was 
simply voicing my opinion. And those 
newspaper clippings, that hearsay evi- 
dence, was what the ju to award a 
huge amount of damages against me. 
PLAYBOY: In California, hasn't the law 
been changed so that the city will pay, 
even though the suit is against you? 
GATES: The can pick up the damages; 
it doesn't have to. Think about the chill- 
ing factor in that. I don't have one hun- 
ed seventy thousand dollars. I'd have 
to sell everything I own. Forty years in 
law enforcement, I'd be ruined. Then 
Гус got to go beg some politicians who 
don't like me—this is a great opportuni- 
ty for them to say, “Hey, Chief, you're on 
your own. We're not gonna pay any- 
thing.” Think what that does. It says, 
“Hey, Chief, don't open your mouth— 
don't tell the public anything. Don't let 
them know what the rcal facts ar 
case. Don't tell the truth.” And what does 
it tell the police officers? Don't do your 
work, because you re liable to wind up in 
court, being sued. That, to me, is proba- 
bly the most frightening thing thats 
happening in the United States today 
PLAYBOY: It might be more frightening it 
police thought they could get away with 
excessive force. 

GATES: Wc really need some cool heads, 
and we don't have any. Attorneys are go- 
ing more and more for punitive dam- 
ages against police officers. We had a 
Cast ера player, Joe Morgan- 
PLAYBOY: Police mistook him for a drug 
courier at the airport, right 

GATES: A jury decided that because of his 
illegal detention—and it probably didn't 
take more than five minutes—to award 
punitive damages of more than five hu 
dred thousand dollars against that police 
officer. How can they do that? 

Morgan doesn't have a legiti- 
mplaint? 
‘or five hundred thousand dol- 


equate it by saying, 
gal detent 
a baseball pl 


embarrassed. He's 
Is that worth the en- 
tire existence of a police ollicer. ем 


thing he's accumulated? What if the city 
council hadn't picked up that tab? 
PLAYBOY: But how do we protect citizens 
from that kind of treatment? 

GATES: Look, you have to ask why the 
officer did this. We have to say. “He 
made a mistake. But 1 can und: ad. 
Given the narcotic trafficking at the air- 
port, I want the police out there, doing 
that kind of work. If that mistake is 
made, then maybe it's worth a few bucks 
injured or embarrassed. 
it’s worth a tremendous apolo- 
ve hundred thousand dollars 
out of the officer’s pocket? Baloney. 
PLAYBOY: It is difficult, but- 
GATES: Lets turn it around. You don't 
say a word when you go though airport 
security and they look at your luggage, 


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63 


PLAYBOY 


they pat you down. Have you ever had 
them open up your bag? 

PLAYBOY: They do that to everybody. 
GATES: How many terrorists have you 
seen on airplanes? How many times in 
terms of the number of passenger miles? 
Very few. How many times have the nar- 
cotics been coming through airports? All 
the time. 

PLAYBOY: Getting back to the suit against 
you, the city council did vote to pay the 
one-hundred-seventy-thousand-dollar 
ment, correct? 

Yeah. But it won't be the last time 
[that FIL have to ask]. There must be 
against me right now well over a billion 
dollars’ worth of suits. 


PLAYBOY: A billion? 
GATES: Oh, yeah. At any one time. 
PLAYBOY: Well, the city has paid out 


twenty-three million dollars in five years, 
which supposedly is the highest record 
in the nation. 

GATES: [Reading from a sheaf of papers on 
his desk] These are the facts. This comes 
right out of the city attorney's office. 
This is what was settled in 1990; these 
are the actual cases, This is a shooting 
case, a shooting case, pursuit, traflic, 
pursuit, traffic, pursuit, traffic—an awful 
lot of them are trafic accidents. We 
bump into somebody and they file a 
traffic complaint. And here's one exces- 
sive force. This is the big one: the Thirty- 
ninth and Dalton Street case. This is the 


one in which we said mea culpa, we did it, 
we are wrong. Three million. This pay- 
out is about two point five million dollars 
more than any possible damage, but the 
city was trying to do its very be: 
PLAYBOY: Four apartments were 
stroyed, weren't they? 

GATES: Yeah, but you could have re- 
paired them all and they could have all 
bought brand-new cars for five hundred 
grand and then some. 

PLAYBOY: None of the eighty offic 
participated in the raid were fire 
GATES: We're still awaiting boards of 
rights. So far, thirty-eight officers have 
been disciplined. 

PLAYBOY: And four are going to trial? 
GATES: Three are in criminal trials. One 
has pled nolo contendere, so there are 
three more. But I'd like to point out, the 
number of uses of force came down in 
1990; so did the ratio of uses of force to 
arrests. And in the number of cases 
where the suspect was injured—only 
one thousand, eight hundred forty-one 
out of more than three hundred nine 
thousand arrests in 1990. What it really 
means is that for almost two hundred 
arrests, you get one injury. 
PLAYBOY: What criticism has most an- 
gered you? 

GATES: I think the view that somehow 
I'm a bigot, a racist or prejudiced against 
gays or against this group or that group. 
Because I'm not bigoted, I'm not preju- 


de- 


who. 


diced. I say what I think sometimes. 
PLAYBOY: We've noticed 

GATES: Yeah. [Laughs] Sometimes people 
get a hule perturbed at that, but I think 
there're too many people who don't say 
what they think. 

PLAYBOY: Your most controversial state- 
ment was your explanation. of why 
blacks were dying when officers applied 
something called the "carotid hold"—a 
type of choke hold. “It’s possible the 
veins and arteries of blacks’ necks don't 
open as fast as they do in normal peo- 
ple" You said that in 1982 and have 
been backpedaling on that one ever since. 
GATES: | haven't backpedaled on it at all, 
I have said that the Times did a lousy 
job—the Times reporter knew exactly 
what I was talking about. 1 will admit, 1 
used some very poor language. 

PLAYBOY: But you meant it, all the same? 
GATES: We were applying the modified 
carotid, where we place pressure on the 
carotid arteries that supply blood to the 
brain, and we had some individuals who 
were dying. Most of those individuals 
were black. So there was a strong feeling 
that there might be something in some 
blacks that we didn't know about. Like 
sickle-cell anemia, which visits blacks al- 
most exclusively, and their very high in- 
cidence of heart disease—those kinds of 
things. And it might have been that we 
were overlooking something 

PLAYBOY: Or maybe you applied the 


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carotid hold 
blacks, E 


a higher number of 


That's exactly what everyone 
d. But wed been applying that 
otid as long as I can remember and 
d no problems with it. Suddenly, it 
ged. Since then, l've had. doctors 
write to me and say, "Chief, you are ab- 
solutely right. There's a sudden-death 
syndrome in blacks that no one under- 
stands.” There's still research being con- 
ducted in that arca by the military. No 
one wants to talk about it. 

PLAYBOY: How is the carotid applied? 
You push on both sides of the neck? 
ght. With the forearm and the 
biceps, You bring them together and it 
cuts oll the blood supply to the brai: 
PLAYBOY: When did you get the douo! 
research that backed up your stateme: 
GATES: Some of it came in at that 
d some of it's been going on. 1 
ticles not too long ago—[Suddeul) 
lights go out in Gates's office. Unperturbed, he 
continues talking until the lights just as mys- 
teriousty go back on]—articles about the 
military finding this sudden-death syn- 
drome among blacks. That Мае 


was not speal 
nothing more than gr 
our not knowing something that might 
be creating a hazard to a group. 1 was 
talking about a normally functioning 
hody. The reporter knew exactly what T 
meant. And he turned it into a racist 
statement. I underwent a hell of a bar- 
rage over that, and I will never forget 
some of the people who barraged me. 
Pm serious. I will never, ever forget 
PLAYBOY: Do you hold grudges? 

GATES: For that one, I will always hold a 
grudge. Always. TH always hold a grudge 
inst the Time reporter. 1 
will always hold against many 
people who spoke at a police-commi 
sion hearing. I will hold grudges aga 
all of them I think they were 
way outa line. Way оша line. 

PLAYBOY: | fall, you made headlines 


ought to be taken out and shot." 

GATES: 1 wanted to make a point. And I 
knew if ld said, "Oh, casual drug 
users—we oughta put those people їп 
[laughs] no one would've ever 
heard that statement. 

PLAYBOY: So what were you trying to say? 
GATES: | was trying to say, Га take them 
out and shoot ‘em. [Laughs] The more I 
say it, the more I like it. 

PLAYBOY: What about the drug pushers, 
aren't they the real problem? 

GATES: Do you really believe we have 
people pushing drugs? No way. You don't 
have to push something when you've got 
a willing market, when you've got peo- 
ple out there looking for them, grasping 
for them, paying whatever the price is. 


. We do 


We don't have to have pusher 
have some sellers. 
PLAYBOY: The point being, what? 
GATES: The pushers in America have be- 
come the casual drug users who are say- 
ing, "No big deal. You can use drugs and 
get by" Thars the casual drug user. 
And that’s the real pusher in America, 
and has been for a long time. These ca 
ual drug users use for only one purpose: 
They want to party. And most of them don't 
stay casual, because they can't. 
PLAYBOY: You believe all drug users are 
addicts? 
GATES: I'm not sure there is such a thing 
аз а casual drug user. 1 really believe that 
anyone who's involved in drugs has 
some fundamental ad 
PLAYBOY: What kind of 
get to your statement? 
GATES: All the marijuana users were mad 
at me. And the parents whose kids use 
arijuana. “Gonna take my kid out and 
shoot him? That's terrible.” I got some 
of the worst letters Ive ever gouen 
from—obviously—pot smokers. 
PLAYBOY: Your son has been ar 
drug charges, hasn't he? 
GATES: Yes. When he was arrested, there 
was a great deal of publicity. Of course, it 
as a big story, because I was chief of po- 
I don't blame anyone for it, Except 
my son 
PLAYBOY: How did you find out that he 
had a drug problem? 
GATES: It’s a long, sad story. 
involved in narcoties а! 
long üme. 
PLAYBOY: He started as a casual user? 


ion. 
action did you 


sted on 


a 


PLAYBOY: In high school? 

GATES: Oh, probably before high school. 
And I was in a state of denial for years. 
I knew better, but there was no way 1 
could admit it. And when I did, when I 
took him for treatment, I got the same 
bs. that so many got in the late Sixties 
and early Seventies, Sheer, unadulterat- 
ed b.s. from psychologists and psychia- 
trists. "Oh, there's nothing to it. He'll 
grow out of it.” He managed to com- 
pletely spellbind every psychologist and 
psychiatrist that he talked to, to the 
point where he just wrapped them right 
around his litle old drug-using finge 
So, as a result, while I knew better, and 
while 1 pride myself in probably know 
ing more about drugs and drug addicıs 
than most who are in the business, by 
that time, it was too late. 

PLAYBOY: Too late fo 
GATES: I don’t want to say too late. Tha 
a note of finality. Pm forever hopeful. 
Bur I think that with any addict, if you're 
ble to get at it in the early stages, your 
ng the problem are much 
greater than if you let it go on. You ei 
ther have to let it go on—run its cou 
until they burn themselves out or die— 
or face an almost insurmountable task of 
curing. 


PLAYBOY: How has it affected you 
GATES: One of the things people don't 
understand about using drugs: It 
doesn't just hurt the person who's ad- 
dicted. Thats the most asinine view Гуе 
ever heard. It hurts the people around 
them who are sober far more, in my 
judgment, than it hurts the individual 
who's running around happy, using the 
damned drug 
families. It's wo 
death ends. Tapeten die you havea 
service and the memories are there 
ways. Usually, the memories are the 
good things. Not so with drugs. The tur 
moil is as great. The loss is as gr 
the person died, except he I 
And this goes on and on and o 
person continues to hurt you. The per- 


son will continue to steal from you, to lie 
to you, to harm you, to harm others. 
“They're always there, doing those kinds 
of things. 


ve in rehabilita- 


tion, then? 
Gates: Oh, I believe in rehabilitation. 1 
believe in it passionately. But what peo- 
ple don’t understand is that it ts an 
credibly difficult thing to do. The loss 
rate of those in programs is enormous. 
Most people in rehabilitation won't tell 
you that, because it’s bad for business. 
The good ones will tell you th 
PLAYBOY: You've often said that drugs 
the biggest threat America has faced. 
carts: 105 the tragedy of the с 
And I'm talking about World W: 
World War Two, the Great Depre 
and all the other terrible disasters that 
nation. I think drug use I 
done more to this nation, to its young 
people, to its psyche and to its soul—i 
has a soul—than any of the other crises 
ve ever had. That's why it’s been p: 
agenda, to sec if we can't change 
ind the change is so simple. 


t 


es! [Laughs] 1 mei 
1t really is. 

PLAYBOY: Is there any hope? 
GATES: We're secin i 


largely say no to drugs. 1 see that as t 
first shining ray of hope. It's one of the 
I'm so abusive about casual 
drug users. I see them as the people who 
are undermining the whole effort. 
PLAYBOY: Assuming drugs are the num- 
ber-one problem you face, what is num- 
ber two? 

GATES: Violence. That's what people f 
the most. This is a very violent society. 
And we seem to, in many respects, look 
at violence as a wonderful thing. 
PLAYBOY: Wonde: 
GATES: Well, we do. We go to a Dirty Har- 
ту movie, and everybody jumps up and 
daps. The Stallone movies are very vio- 
lent. We seem 10 eat that stuff up. It 


65 


PLAYBOY 


66 


seems we need to take a look at that 
PLAYBOY: Have you raised these issues in 
iaimment industry? 
on the drug issue and they 
responded well. But they really flinch 
y bout violence. And I un 
derstand. That's where they make their 
money. What they're saying is, "We're 
giving the public what they have an ap- 
petite fox" Which is true. I just think 
somewhere along the line, the country 
has to recognize that movies contribute 
10 the amount of violence we have. 
PLAYBOY: One of the things you did th 
surprised and enraged a lot of people 
s to advocate banning the sale of as- 
sault weapons in Califo How do you 
feel about banning handguns as well? 
GATES: What we have done 
in terms of placing a restriction on buy- 
ndguns, as well as any gi 
ve a hfieen-day waiting ре 
allows us to look at those who have 
sme mental problem or suspected men- 
tal problem; we were never able to do 
that in the past. 1 would add something 
else: I believe that carrying a concealed 
weapon ought to be a felony. It’s not. It's 
a misdemeanor, and it's treated very 
lightly by the courts of this state. Having 
said that, I would not impose any addi- 
tional restrictions on handguns. I think 
you have a right to own one. 
PLAYBOY: In the press conference con- 
cerning Officer Kerbrat’s death, you 
id, “Is this a civilized society any 
longer? We beginning to question 
that.” Were you referring to all of Los 
Angeles or to a c nt within it? 
GATES: An cli Unfortunately, the 
element is much larger than it ought to 
be. And we're not doing what we need to 
do to control it. We can't even define that. 
element. We as a nation can't even go 
out and tell you wh: group consists 
of. We don't know. 
PLAYBOY: What can you do 
GATES: 1 think a lot of thi 
done, in terms of being h 


gs coi 


And we have not de 
adequate controls on the 
PLAYBOY: What would be adequate? 
GATES: | think we have to completely 
shift our system and our thinking 
it. Because, right now, criminals own the 
whole system. A crime is committed. We 
go out, we investigate the crime, we pick 
up the suspect, we build а case, we pros- 
ecute that individual, jury he udge 
ion, some action is taken 
action has never been ade- 
ate, Hit were, we would be slowly get- 
g ourselves out of this; instead. the 
problem is getting worse. 
PLAYBOY: W else is wrong wil 
syste 
GATES: The whole parole system. 
PLAYBO! convicts breaking parole or 
are they just not being rehabi 


kes a de 


h the 


habilitated. Well, I 
m die. 


Gates: Nobody gets 
shouldn't say no one; some of th 
[Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Ouch. 

GATES: Look, very little gets done in the 
way of rehabilitation, When I came on 
the department, there was a study on 
probation and | 
working; all we were doing was recydl 
them. The study showed, I think, that in 
twenty-four months, sixty-six percent, 
two thirds, of the people violated the 
parole, committed crimes. All these i 
tervening years, we didn’t learn from 
that. Not long ago, there was another 
study. What did they find out? Precisely 
the same thing. 

PLAYBOY: So what's the answer 
Gates: I would do away with proba 
and parole. When you're convicted of a 
crime, you would be a prisoner. You 
would be an in-prisoner or an out-pri: 
oner. Until they complete their sentence, 
they ought to be a prisoner. They would. 
have conditions placed on that statu 
PLAYBOY: What would be an example? 
GATES: OK, you are now convicted and 


"Pm paid to produce 


peace on the streets 


I'm very aggressive at 
that. Then people 
often are upset wilh 


my aggressiveness.” 


we're gonna let you go home. 

PLAYBOY: Is this after serving time in jail? 
GATES: | think, yeah. I think you have to 
give almost anybody—even a first of- 
lender—you' ve got to whack "em. That 
means some time in prison. And then 
you say, "OK, now, part of the sentence 


сап outpatient. You're an out- 
And these are the conditions: 
You will be in your home from nine 
o'clock in the evening till seven in the 
morning. You will be out of your home 
only to go to work, to school, to the mar- 
ket and to do just what is essential to 
your survival. And if you do anything 
other than that, you will go back to 
prison and you will serve the entire 
m. There will be no second chance. 
Then what happens? 
GATES: Ud eliminate all the probation 
Totally out. Through my out- 
prisoner status, the conditions aren't tai- 
lored to the individual. That me 
police officer who finds you in viola 
of the conditions of out-prisoner st 


can take you right back to court—any 
court—and you will go back to prison. 
You're back to an in-prison status. So 
what you have, in effect, is that eve: 
lice ollicer is a prison guard 
PLAYBOY: Have you discussed these 
with other law-enforcement people? 
GATES: All the time. 

PLAYBOY: How do they respond to them? 
Gates: Kind of like you. Glassy-cyed. 
{Laughs} But they've done that before on 
things I've recommended. I can remem 
ber one—we were putting SWAT togeth- 
ex. I got the same glassy-eyed look from 
a lot of people who said, "What's he talk- 
ing about? I mean, that's crazy." 
PLAYBOY: Much of your time and money 
have bee 
you making any progre: 
GATES: We did this cul-de-sac thing and 
we got two hundred kids to go back to 
school. 

PLAYBOY: They were afraid th 
be hurt going to school? 
GATES: 
a dangerous, dangerous thing to 
verse from the homes to the school. So 
the principal said, “Funny thing is hap- 
pening. We've got two hundred more 
people in school today than we had be- 
lore you started this project" That's 
been rather consistent. And we're find- 
ing, as we've gone 10 other schools and 
tried to establish some safe zones— 
very intensive policing in those zones 一 
that in every case, the truancy has 
dropped off. It really wasn't truancy; it 
kids staying out of school because 
they were afraid. 

PLAYBOY: How does the cul-de-sac wo! 
Gates: This area happened to be very 
flat and had a lot of drive-by shooting: 
We made a cul-de-sac by putting up 
some t that. they couldn't 
drive through. They would have to turn 
around and go E 
PLAYBOY: So you're not concerned only 
with punishment? 
GATES: No, no, no. Though every 
thinks Lam. And that's all right. I'm paid 
10 produce peace on the streets. l'm very 
aggressive at that. Then people often are 
upset with my aggressiveness. Ме? 
gressive because the rest of the system is 
not. It does not do what it ought to do. 
Because the rest of the system d- 
equate, we have turned to what in our 
free society? The police. And what do 
people want? They want more police. 1 
mean, everyone wants a police officer on 
his block. 

PLAYBOY: Maybe two. 
GATES: Isn't that an anathema to a free 
society? To have a police officer looking 
over your shoulder at everything you 
do? | mean, we send troops to the Mid- 


hey were sca 


w 


ades, s 


die East to keep Kuwait free from 
ageression and oppression. And some- 
times, 1 think we in this country are 


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PLAYBOY 


68 


probably the most oppressed people in 
the world. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you become a cop? 
GATES: | really didn't want to be a police 
officer. I didn't have a real high opinion 
of them. I had a friend who said, "Why 
don't you become a police officer? They 
are encouraging new olficers to go 10 
school.” And they paid the lofiy sum of 
two hundred ninety dollars a month— 
which was an incredible amount of mon- 
ey in those days. I looked at it and I said, 
“Hey, that looks like easy work.” 
PLAYBOY: Did you have any run-ins with 
the police as a kid? 

GATES: Sure. The usual kid things. Fight- 
ing, things of that nature. And lots of 
tickets; lots of citations. So I didn’t have a 
real high regard for police officers. And 
le EDITT EET being one 
PLAYBOY: Your lather had a drinking 


problem, which he did overcome at 
some point. 
GATES: He did it cold turkey. Lots of will 


power, And candy bars. 
PLAYBOY: Did life change alter that ii 
your home? 
GATES: To some degree, it did. 
were deep scars on all sides. 
PLAYBOY: Was he abusive? 
GATE Not in the least bit, A 
very friendly guy, a very funny guy. Not 
the least bit abusive to any of us, includ- 
ing my mother. I mean, he was tough. 
Wher was tough 
PLAYBOY: Did your father's 
influence your own attitudes? You don't 
drink, do you 
GATES: | have a drink. I can't remember 
getting drunk in my life, but | suppose I 
have. I don't drink during the week at 
all. On Friday night, usually, ГЇ go home 
1 have a drink before dinner, and 
there'll be one with dinner. And I might 
do that on Saturday night, and then 
that's it. That's my total consumption. 1 
enjoy it. 1 even enjoy a martini. 
PLAYBOY: How do you normally spend 
your evenings 
GATES: There are so many dinners that 1 
have to go to as part of the job. So what I 
enjoy most is x home and cooki 
I'm a good cook. It’s a tremendous di 
version for me. Cooking is a way of get- 
ng rid of stress. I do a barbecued 
almon that is —I mean, it is the best Гу 
tasted. Anyone who's ever tasted m 
barbecued salmon says it's the best. 
PLAYBOY: How long is you workday 
GATES: Depends on what's in store for 
me. I've cut back considerably, For sev- 
eral years, if I d nything else 
to do, I'd spend Iv hours in the 
office, at least. And then, if I had a din- 
ner to go to, I'd do that. Гуе cut back on 
the dinners and the speeches. I li o 
speak, but Гус gotten a little tired of 
hearing my own voice. 

PLAYBOY: Your first marriage ended in 
di Could you say you had the po- 
ice-marriage syndrome? 


There 


he was sober, he 


blei 


goi 


ev 


'orce. 


GATES: Oh, I don't think so. There were 
just some basic underlying. differences 
between us. I think I worked my f 
off for most of the time we wi ma 
and she had to put up with, as did my 
children, an awful lot of eflort on my part 
in my job, time taken away from them. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't that the usual cause of 
problems in police marriages? 

GATES: If I had been in y other field, I 
would've approached it with the same 
vigor. 

PLAYBOY: What was your relationship 
with your three children? 

GATES: When we split up, my olde: 
daughter came to live with me. And I 
think my youngest daughter wanted to 
live with me, too, but she—she's so nice, 
she didit want to let her mother down. 
PLAYBOY: So you were Mr. Mom. 

GATES: I'm always Dad. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think about whether 
you were a good dad? 

GATES: | was a very good dad. I don't 
think there's any question about that; I 
was a good dad. You always think back, 


“I didn't have a place to 
live, so I went back. 
to Mom. I think she 
began to worry 
about me. She gol me a 
subscription to "Playboy. " 


you could have done a lot better. You 
think of all the things you should ve said, 
the things 1 should've done, and all th 
times I should've been more patient. 
And that’s all true. I could have been 
more patient, 1 could've said different 
things, 1 could've, perhaps, influenced 
nt ways. But that’s all 
hi. I was always there when they 
needed me and I never shunned the re- 
sponsibility of my children, at any time, 
ever. I loved them dearly, And 1 think 
they love me 
PLAYBOY: The word is that after your 
iage broke up, you were quite the 
/ man in town. 
GATES: People thought that. But for a 
long time, 1 didn't go out. 1 wanted to 
intain m ge within the de 
ment. I ended up spending a lot of time 
by myself. So I don't think I was a ladîı 
all. Irs kind of a myth. 
single, and you're fairly successful in the 
department. I had more hair. I was, I 
think, reasonably dece So 
people just made that a 
didn't have 
split up, so I went back to Mom, lived 


with her. I think she began to worry 
bout me. [Laughs] She got me а sub- 
scription to Playboy. I guess she figured 1 
could at least look at the pictures 
PLAYBOY: Speaking of women: 
GATES: Women? Ohhh, I love women 
PLAYBOY: A long time ago 一 一 

GATES: Oh, God. 
PLAYBOY: You 


were bier about the 
cou order to increase the number of 
women on the force. You said that no 
cop should be under five foot eight, and 
there would never be enough qualified 
women to fill the slots. 
GATES: Yes. It was my very strong belief 
that height was an important asset to be- 
ing a police officer. We did many, many 
studies on height being a factor whenev- 
er you use physical force to t 
»mebody into custody. There's no ques- 
tion that it is And I used 
to tell women's groups, “It’s not that I 
don't want women. I don't want little 
men.” [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: The height requirement was 
lowered? 
GATES: | lowered it myself. 1 lowered it to 
five feet. Which leads me to a funny sto- 
гу. There's a film of me at a graduation, 
doing an inspection. It showed me going 
down the front line, checking a gun here 
and moving along. I got down to the end 
of the line and, for some reason, when I 
made the turn to go back up the other 
row, I totally excluded one poor litile fe- 
male, Who 1 didn't see! She hort 
d she just didn't come into my line of 
vision. So everybody kidded me that lit- 
ile people w into the depart- 
ment, and they so small you 
couldn't even see them. [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: Did the department have to 
adjust? You now have more than eleven 
hundred female officers. 
GATES: We did modify some of the phys 
caLagility aspects of the entr 
nation. I don't think changing those was 
any more harmful, if it was harmful 
all, than lowering the height limit. You 
have to be able to handle yourself, 
whether you're a woman or a man. 
PLAYBOY: How hard was it for you, per- 
sonally, to adjust? 
GATES: I was probably one of the original 
“Down with women in police work.” 
that I didn’t think they had a plac 
the right place, they were fine. 1 don't 
feel that way any longer. Гуе seen too 
many women c ment 
and do an ou 
PLAYBOY: In your first years as chief, you 
Iso had some words about gays. You 
d, supposedly, “Who'd want to wor 
with onez" 
GATES: I know Гуе been quoted 
that. But for the life of me, I dont re- 
member having said that. And if I did, I 
think it’s been taken out of context 
PLAYBOY: Do you believe 
GATES: As long 
we have never inquired into anyone 


а 


nce ex 


cami 


з saying 


as 1 с remembe 


sexual habits or orientation. There may 
have been something in the psychiatric 
exams, there may have been something 
in the processing for the job—but I'm 
not aware of that. We have said that, as a 
police officer, you must act with a certain 
degree of propriety, on and off the job. 
We still require that. And as a police 
officer, whether you're heterosexual or 
homosexual, you can't display that sexu- 
ality without getting yourself in trouble. 
If a heterosexual is so overheterosexual 
that every time he writes a citation to a 
woman, he hits on her, we've got a prob- 
lem, and we're gonna discipline him for 
it. But our position on your sexual ori- 
entation is one of strict neutrality. We 
don't care as long as you can do the job. 
PLAYBOY: You've made at least one run 
for public office. Are you still interested 
in politics? 

GATES: [Laughs] You mean, “God, is he 
gonna do something?" 

PLAYBOY: Is that still on your mind? 
GATES: I don't know how much it's ever 
been on my mind. The first time I even 
thought about it was a pure, unadulter- 
ated lark. I was angry with the mayor 
and I wanted to give him a bad time. So 
I said I'm gonna run for mayor. 
PLAYBOY: Was it more of a trial balloon? 
Gates: Not even that. Another time, T 
thought about it and did some polling. 1 
was much more serious about it. I decid- 
ed I could beat everybody else, but I 
couldn't beat Tom Bradley. He had that 
pure image. He no longer has that pure 
image; he is beatable, in my judgment. 
PLAYBOY: Needless to say, you would 
have run as a Republican. 

GATES: I’m not a dyed-in-the-wool Re- 
publican. I'm a maverick. I thought I 
had a lot to say. Then, of course, I got 
into the great dispute with the arch- 
conservatives who were probably my 
best supporters—the Right-to-Lifers— 
because I arrested them, and the N.R.A. 
people didn't like my interference with 
their right to have assault weapons. So it 
was obvious that I'd lost a big part of my 
constituency. I haven’t given any thought 
to politics since. 

PLAYBOY: What is the funniest request 
anybody has ever made of you? 

GATES: Well, Tommy Lasorda called me 
one time. And you know Tommy. We go 
through our pleasantries. He knows my 
son-in-law, and my son-in-law’s Italian, 
so you go through all that. And then he 
tells me about a game that he lost some- 
place. And how horrible the pitching 
was, and the officiating, and the whole 
inning-by-inning account. Then he told 
me about a terrible airplane ride back. 
Delayed by the weather, and when they 
got to LAX, they were late, and his 
wife was going to pick him up. And 
because they were delayed, she had to 
drive around LAX two or three times. 
She parked and they went to get the bag- 
gage, and when they came out, they'd 


gotten a parking citation. So he finally 
got to it. 

PLAYBOY: Aha. 

GATES: And Tommy said, “You know, 
Daryl, I've been so supportive of you 
Buys over the years." He says, "Every 
time you've ever needed me for any- 
thing, I've been there. Golly—to have 
one of your guys give me a parking cita- 
tion. And I didn’t deserve it. I tried to 
talk to him, but he wouldn't even talk to 
me.” And I said, “Tommy, that’s not our 
people. That’s airport police.” 

PLAYBOY: He wasted this all on you? 
Gates: Wasted this whole thing. He said, 
"It's not?" And I said, “No, Tommy, it's 
not us. That's airport police. And they 
give me a ticket out there. It’s terrible.” 
PLAYBOY: Do they really? 

GATES: No. But they write those parking 
citations by the carload. I said, “Tommy, 
send it to me. I'll see what I can do." So 
he said, “Well, only one thing. Y' know, 
my wife—she's Italian, too. And she's 
very excitable. So the ticket's not in great 
shape.” And I said, “Tommy, just send it 
to me." So, a couple of days later, I get 


"After all these 
investigations, that's 
exactly what they're 

going to find out: 
This is a great department." 


this envelope and the ticket is in a thou- 
sand pieces. [Laughs] We had people sit- 
ting there, putting this jigsaw puzzle 
together. We finally got the number. I 
senta check and paid Tommy's ticket. 
PLAYBOY: What is your proudest accom- 
plishment? 

GATES: My proudest accomplishment is 
that I've gotten through thirteen years 
[as chief] in the Los Angeles Police De- 
partment. That in itself is a real achieve- 
ment. Through some of the most 
tumultuous times in our history. I think, 
also, having been a person who's been 
out front, said a lot of controversial 
things and run a very aggressive police 
department, to still have a very high 
popularity rating among people within 
this community. 

PLAYBOY: That's interesting, because 
you're putting acceptance as one of your 
top accomplishments. There are other 
things that one might think of —SWAT, 
for instance, which you invented, or the 
DARE program. 

GATES: My whole life has been serving. 
the people. So when I say acceptance, 
I'm saying that they give me high marks 


for doing what my whole life has been 
about. Also, to have the vast majority of 
my police officers totally behind me— 
that probably means more to me than 
almost anything else. And maintaining a 
department free of corruption, with, per- 
haps, an errant officer here and there. 
But thirteen years of no corruption. 
PLAYBOY: Some days, it must be tough to 
go to work, particularly lately. 

GATES: Ah, I love the job. [Laughs] And I 
love combat. I have to admit. 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about becom- 
ing the most famous police chief in 
America for all the wrong reasons? 
GATES: The frustrating part of it is to 
read so many things that I think are so 
unfair The easiest thing in the world 
would be to just duck it, and I could 
duck it easily. You can't believe how easy 
it would be for me to just say, "Hey, take 
this badge and shave it.” 

PLAYBOY: You've thought about it? 
Gates: The picture High Noon comes in- 
to focus all the time. I remember Gary 
Cooper, after the big gunfight where he 
got no help whatsoever, and he took his 
badge and threw it down in the dirt. I've 
gone to sleep at night saying to myself, 
"I'm going to take that badge and just 
shove it." Thirteen years of working my 
fanny off in this department. A super de- 
partment. After all these investigations, 
that's exactly what they're going to find 
out: This is a great department, working 
harder than any other department in 
the country, doing more with less, better 
morale, more enthusiasm. A department 
I built with racial equality throughout. 
PLAYBOY: How has the recent controver- 
sy been affecting you personally? 

GATES: 1 don't even know how to answer 
that. [Pauses] I really don't. It's certainly 
no fun. I would much rather be back 
where I was just prior to this thing hap- 
pening, and that was being in a position 
where the majority of people said | was 
more believable than any other public 
official in this city. The police depart- 
ment was held in high esteem through- 
out the world. The President was saying 
nice things about me. That's a pretty 
long way to fall in a couple of days, it re- 
ally is. All of the hysteria that's connected 
with this, particularly connected with the 
hope that somehow I will end it all, has 
to have some significant impact on me. 
PLAYBOY: Can you envision something 
that would make you voluntarily resign 
or retire? 

GATES: Yeah, I can. If the majority of the 
officers in the department came to me 
and said, "Chief, we think it would be to 
our benefit for you to leave." I'd say, 
“Fine, I'm gone." 

PLAYBOY: Throw down your badge, like 
Gary Cooper? 

GATES: I would even be gracious. Hurt, 
but gracious. I would do it, for them. 


BOOM Î 


cone on, sucker, 
ou want some of this... 
you want to dence? 


By GRAIG VETTER 


THE MESA INN in Westin was braced for 
the evening by the time I got there, A 
sign at the door set the dress code: no 
TORN T-SHIRTS, NO WORK CLOTHES, NO GREASY 
Boots. The bouncer next to it looked 
like he might be working the job so that 
he could buy more weights; enough 
maybe to make the distinction between 
his neck and his head disappear com- 
pletely. 

About half the saloon-style tables 
were four and five around with big 
young men in clean hats and shirts for 
the evening. 

1 ordered a double Scotch. 

“You new in town?” said a voice next 
to me. There was a sharp Southern ac- 
cent to it, and when I turned, I was 
looking at a round, boyish face under a 
cap that said мир on it. 

“Came in this afternoon,” 1 told him. 

“You looking for work?" 

“Yup. Like everybody else in this 
town, I guess." 

“Ever work derrick hand?” 

“No,” I said. “Never worked any- 
thing. This is my first oil ficld.” 

“You ain't never been in the patch 
before? And you come here? Shec-it." 
He pulled back a bit to get a better look 
at me. “Tell you what. You could not 
have picked a worse field to break 


ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y. CRAFT 


7 


PLAYBOY 


72 


into. This is the wormiest operation I 
ever saw, and 1 seen 'em all over the 
world since I was thirteen years old, 
and I'm thirty-five next month." 

"The bartender asked us if we wanted 
another drink, and when I said yes, 
мир said he'd have another Budweiser 
and to take mine out of the $20 bill on 
the bar in front of him. Then he lit a 
cigarette, looked at me again and 
shook his head. 

“How old are ya?" he said. I told him 
33. "What the hell are you doing trying 
to come into the patch at thirty-three?” 

1 told him I needed the money. I 
didn’t tell him I was a writer, that I was 
2 mechanical moron, in over my head 
just sitting at a bar in an oil boomtown. 

“Well, you might make some money, 
all right, if these wormy sombitches 
don't kill you first." He looked at his 
beer and dusted an ash off his white 
jeans. “Course, if somebody broke you 
in good, you might be all right. I could 
do that . . . if I wanted . . . if you was 
worth a shit. I'm a pusher over at D 
and J.” When I asked him what a push- 
er was, he said, "Boy, you really don't 
know nothing whatsoever, do ya?” 

“Nothing whatsoever,” I said. 

“Normal thing is for a rig to carry 
five men,” he said. “Worm, motor 
hand, chain hand, derrick hand and 
the driller. That's a full crew. Tool 
pusher's the guy that hires ‘em all, then 
makes sure they stay sober and have 
everything they need in the way of 
equipment to keep the rig running. Al- 
so sees they don't get lazy or stupid, 
which they mostly are, anyways.” He 
smoked. “Where'd you come here 
from?" 

"San Francisco." 

"Frisco?" he said. "Nothing out there 
but queers and spears, what I heard.” 

Which turned out to be about the 
end of my patience for the nasty string 
of dirt eaters I'd met that first long day 
in nowhere Wyoming. 

"Tell you what," 1 said, using his ac- 
cent. “Why don't you just drink your 
beer and pick this evening's fight with 
somebody else.” There was a pause 
while I looked him straight in the face 
and thought, Oh, shit, here we go. 

“Now, don't get all pissed on,” he 
said. "I didn't mean nothing by that. I 
ain't never been to Frisco. I was just 
talking. You got a temper, though, 
don't ya?” 

“Its been a bad day," I told him. 

“This is a bad place if you ain't got a 
job. Course, I could line that out for ya 
Tight here, if I wanted.” 

He looked at his beer as if it were my 
turn to say something. I didn't. 

“How much school you got?” 

“Too much, probably.” 

“You got college?” 

1 nodded. 


"How many years?" 

"All four," I told him. 

“Shit,” he said. “And you out of 
work. Don't make sense. 1 barely got 
through ninth grade and I never been 
оша work except when I wanted to be. 
My daddy put me in the patch when 1 
was thirteen, me and my brothers. He 
used to say, ‘I could send you to college 
for ten ycars and you'd just come out 
queer.” 

I had my second big Scotch all the 
way in me when he said that, and I was 
beginning to see the humor of the en- 
tire exchange. There was something 
about mun that didn't mean to be hos- 
Ше, no matter what he said. He was 
trying to be cocky, but it wasn't quite 
working. He just wanted to talk to 
somebody and anybody would have 
done that night. It occurred to me that 
his daddy had probably also told him 
that anybody who drank alone was an 
alcoholic. 

“College boy" he said. “I'll be 
damned. This place is so full of trash 
you just don't expect it.” 

"Strange times," I said. 

"You queer?" 

"Not yet," I said. 

The pretty little bar waitress pulled 
into the station next to me and ran off 
alist of drinks that sounded like a take- 
out order for the James gang. Then 
she asked the bartender to tell the 
bouncer that there was a woman at a 
table in the far corner with a gun in her 

urse. 

“I could hire ya right here and now,” 
said мир, squinting sideways at me. 

“What kind of work?” 

“Put you in the yard, break you in 
right, then get you out worming on 
one of the rigs. 1 got a couple of worms 
I'm gonna be running off in the morn- 
ing . . . so I got room for ya. I'm just 
afraid you'll get one pay check and take 
off. Depends if you're worth a shit.” 

“I have to check on another job in 
the morning . . ." I bluffed. 

“The hell with that," he said. “You 
just show up tomorrow morning at 
eight o'dock in the yard and I'll put 
you on. You're hired." 

"How much does it pay?" 

“Eight dollars and twenty-five cents 
an hour,” he said. “1 know that don't 
sound like much, but that's for the first. 
forty hours a week. I'll get you sixty or 
seventy hours and it's time and a half. 
after forty, so's you'll do all right. Plus, 
there’s other side lights in the patch. 
You'll make some money, don't worry. 
If you's worth a shit.” 

I asked him where the yard was. 
“You just walk out this door and look 
west" he said, pointing toward the 
bandstand. “The tallest derrick you 
see, right next to the highway, is the 
one we're rigging right now. Biggest 


rig in Wyoming— Cooper 750.” 

He slurred the word biggest. 

"I'll be there," I said. "Whar's your 
name?" 

“Sonny,” he said, shaking my hand. 
"You be there." Then he looked at me 
sideways. "College boy," he said. "Ain't 
that a thii 

At first light, I drove to the Outpost 
for a Styrofoam cup of coffee, then 
across town to D and J, as Sonny had 
said I would, by using the huge derrick 
as a guide, It stood along the highway 
edge of the yard, and when I drew it 
into my notebook map, 1 estimated 
that it was 100 feet tall. It soared up off 
the rear of a huge truck like the ex- 
tended ladder ofa fire engine. 

Around 7:30, a white pickup with a 
D and J sticker on the doors pulled in- 
to the dirt drive. One of the five men in 
the crew cab got out and opened the 
gate. As the truck rolled through, he 
hopped onto the big steel bumper un- 
der the tail gate. When the driver saw 
him there, he punched it, and a geyser 
of dust enveloped the rear of the truck, 
which took off in a series of skidding 
figure eights that finally spit the cling- 
ing man ten feet out of the dirty cloud 
and rolled him another ten across the 
hard ground. He got up holding his el- 
bow, and while he walked to retrieve 
his hard-hat, the fat man who'd 
stepped from the driver’s seat yelled, 
“You gotta ride to the buzzer or you 
don't get no points, cowboy." Then he 
laughed as if it were the little moments 
like this that made getting up in the 
morning worth the trouble. 

Over the next ten minutes, two bob- 
tail welding trucks drove into the yard, 
an old Plymouth dropped three hands 
at the gate and a kid on a motorcyde 
cruised in. He was followed by a cater- 
ing truck that blew a couple of bars of 
Dixie on its horn, then parked in the 
long morning shadow of the derrick. 
The driver got out, threw open the 
quilted chrome panels on the sides and 
shouted, "Java, it's java." 

As 1 started toward the catering 
truck, another D and J truck came out 
into the yard as if it were being chased. 
I got out of its way and saw Sonny be- 
hind the wheel as it went by. He didn't 
look happy. He skidded the truck next 
to the gathered hands and yelled out 
the window at the fat man. 

"You got nothing to do around here, 
is that it? Nobody works unless I’m 
here. 1 swear to God I'll run you and 
your whole damn crew off if you don't 
find things to do around here." 

"The fat man was looking straight at 
Sonny, and what he wasn't saying was 
all over his face: Don't push too far. 
You're not big enough for the job. His 
crew was looking away and at the 

(continued on page 80) 


"What a coincidence. And Гое always admired your yard and pool—and everything.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BOB CARLOS CLARKE 


RDAT $ 
WILD CHi 


beautiful brit amanda de cadenet grows up 


Amanda de Cadenet has long been the darling of Britain's corps of paparazzi, wha have caught her 
(obave, fram left) with ex-boyfriend Nathan Moore of the rack group Brother Beyond; leaving an exhibit at 
London’s Hamiltan Gallery last summer; hand in hand with her fiancé, Duran Duran’s John Taylor. 


T THETENDER AGE of 14, Amanda de Cadenet already had a reputation among Britain's scandal- 

happy tabloid journalists: They labeled the night-club-hopping teeny-bopper the Wild Child. 

It's a rap that Amanda, now 19, feels was somewhat exaggerated. “They had to find some- 

thing to write about, but it got to be a pain in the butt, frankly. But now that I’m working all 
the time, people take me more seriously.” Since last August, she has been the copresenter on The 
Word, a hip television show aimed at younger audiences by Britain's Channel Four; the job fol- 
lowed a similar assignment on satellite TV's Power Station. For the past 18 months, she has also 
been the significant other for Duran Duran's John Taylor, a relationship she describes as “bril- 
liant, going from strength to strength. We've just sold our house in London and we're getting a 
bigger one, a family house where there'd be room for a nanny.” That does sound serious. When 
she’s not working or cooking dinner for John (specialty: “a good Sunday lunch of roast chicken, 
potatoes and vegetables”), she studies acting. She had a small role in 1989's The Rachel Papers but 
turned down a chance to play Mandy Rice-Davies in Scandal. She was only 14 at the time and 
balked at the nude scenes the character (eventually portrayed by Bridget Fonda) would have to 
do. “1 felt that I was too young then,” Amanda explains. “Now I'd do it if the part called for it.” 


75 


76 


These photos ore the first nudes Amando has ever done. "Bob Corlos Clorke is my favorite photogropher,” 
she soys. "I've worked with him since | wos fourteen, so if | were going to toke my clothes off for onyone be- 
sides John, it would be Bob. And 1 was glad to do it for Ployboy, becouse editoriolly, it's o reolly wonderful 
magazine.” What's Ihe significonce of this pose? Amando loughs. "I was octuolly hoving o lunch breok.” 


Who Asa child, Amanda traveled the warld with her dad, Grand Prix driver Alain de Cadenet. When she wos 15, 
k she become a madel, a career for which she now says, "I'm too apinionated. Ta be a model, you really have 

to play dumb.” She hos been both sweetheart and target af Britain's lively press: A generally positive piece 
in Hella! (apposite) contrasts with that at near left, which she irately describes as “a complete fabricatian.” 77 


PLAYBOY 


80 


BOOMTOWN „свео 


‘All right, you fat bastard, I thought, watch this: If 
there's one thing I can do, it's climb.” 


ground, as were the rest of the hands. 

“I want you rigging the brake today,” 
Sonny told the fat man. “And I want 
your crew to wash the rig real good all 
the way up.” 

The fat man nodded slowly, then 
sent two of his hands for buckets, 
brushes, soap and rags. When Sonny 
spotted me, he drove ten feet to where 
I was standing and said, “Well, College, 
you made it. Thats good. You go 
ahead and start swabbing the rig with 
Tom's crew. Be smart up there. Watch 
where you put your feet. I got to run 
that other worm off.” 

1 watched him drive another ten feet 
to a young hand who listened for a 
minute, then did a little pleading. Fi- 
nally, Sonny told him, “You was miss- 
ing two days, and you wasn't worth that 
much while you was here. Just stop 
over to the office, get a check and go on 
down the road." He left the kid stand- 
ing there and drove out of the yard. 

1 walked over to the group with the 
buckets. The fat man was saying sorne- 
thing angry about Sonny that he inter- 
rupted in midsentence when he saw 
me. “What are you looking for?" he 
said. 

"Sonny told me to work with your 
crew today." 

^My ass," he said. "I don't need no 
more crew. You tell Sonny find you 
something else." He turned to walk 
away. 

“You tell him,” I said. He stopped 
the way a batter stops when he's a few 
steps toward first base on ball four, 
then hears the umpire call strike three. 
He looked at meas if I were the second 
person he wanted to kill that morning 
but couldn't; as if I'd be a lot easier to 
kill than Sonny if it came down to that. 

“All right,” he said. “You want to 
wash, you can wash. You can start in 
the crown.” He pointed to the top of 
the rig. “You get you a bucket and a 
brush and you climb till you're looking 
at the sheaves. Then you start wash- 
ing.” 

“What are the sheaves?” I asked him. 

“Shit,” he said. “You ain't too wormy, 
are you? You ever been on any kind of 
rig at all? No, you haven't, have you? 
Well, then, this ought to be real fun for 
you. If you don't fall down and get 
yourself dead.” He smiled and put his 
hand on my shoulder. “You go ahead 
and get on that thing over there with 
the rungs in it—that's called a ladder— 
and you keep climbing till you run out 


of rig and you'll be looking right at the 
sheaves.” Then, without taking his eyes 
off me, he said, “Get him a bucket, 
Marlin, and get one for yourself.” 

Marlin was a big kid with a quiet 
face, the one who'd been thrown from 
the bumper of the truck. “Marlin don't. 
much like heights,” said the fat man, 
“but we're going to cure him. He's go- 
ing to follow you up, then the two of 
you work your way down.” 

It seemed as though Marlin might 
say something, but he didn't. Instead, 
he looked at me as if the whole thing 
were my fault, as if I'd somehow drawn 
the meanness out of the fat man and 
he'd been splashed by accident. 

L took onc of the large plastic buckets 
from him, dropped a stiff brush into 
the soapy water and carried it to the 
base of the rig. The bucket was a little 
over half full and weighed about 15 
pounds. The fat man and his crew 
watched me as I set it down and 
relaced my boots. All right, you fat bas- 
tard, I thought, watch this: І don’t 
know a sheave from a drill bit and Гуе 
maybe held a pipe wrench twice in my 
life, but today's the day I get on this 
derrick and make you look the fool you 
are, because if there's one thing I can 
do, it's climb, and 1 mean buildings or 
trees or rocks. And if you think the per- 
fect steel geometry of this stubbly little 
oil rig holds even small fright for a guy 
who has dung from a dirty little one- 
finger crack 15 times as high as your 
goddamn sheaves, then just watch this. 

I swung into it and got about ten 
rungs up before I had to stop and 
make some adjustments. The heavy 
bucket was putting a serious limp in my 
moves. My rubber-soled boots didn't 
feel very good on the steel rungs, ei- 
ther. 

“You only got a hundred feet to go,” 
said the fat man. "Don't get tired, 
now.” 

That pretty much did it. I let the 
bucket slide into the crook of my right 
arm so that I could get both hands on 
the ladder and I started climbing as if 
anger were muscle. Which it was for a 
while but not for long on the vertical, 
and 30 feet up, I felt myself moving in- 
to the zone where the bill comes due on 
what you've spent. 


. 

The balcony at the top of the rig 
looked like a work station, probably for 
the derrick hand, I thought. I wasn’t 
sure what he did, but he had a great 


view of Westin from up there: the hills, 
the sawmill, the river and the railroad 
tracks that cut through town along its 
banks. The sun was warm, the breeze 
light, and for the first time, I noticed a 
beautiful old roundhouse on the west- 
ern edge of town. It looked to be 100 
years old and the railroad was still us- 
ing it. There were bays for a dozen en- 
gines arranged in a circle around the 
short stretch of track that rotated them 
in and out of the freight yards. While 
I watched an engine turn, a lovely, 
throaty whistle came up and the Am- 
trak passenger liner from Oakland 
came out of the hills and slid through 
the valley, then disappeared through a 
rocky notch in the east. 

I heard the fat man shouting and 
when I looked down, I saw Marlin 
standing at the base of the rig with his 
bucket. Christ, I thought. Hauling a 
pail of water and a fear of heights up 
this ladder was going to be an awful 
piece of work. He stood on the bottom 
rung anyway, which made me guess 
that he was more afraid of the fat man 
than he was of altitude; then he 
stepped back down and I wondered 
The fat man yelled again, and this 
time, Marlin got onto the ladder and 
ted slowly up. He must need this 
job worse than Гуе ever needed one, I 
thought. The morning was less than an 
hour old, he had already been thrown 
from the back of a truck, and now he 
was making his way up toward what 
would surely be panic when he passed 
the point at which the body knows by 
insünct that a fall could mean death. 
About ten feet up, he stopped and 
hugged the ladder. He didn't look up 
or down. He stayed where he was, 
breathing badly, till the fat man shout 
ed again, then he began moving, paus- 
ing on every rung as if it might be his 
limit. He stopped again just over 30 
feet up, and this time, he almost lost 
the bucket when he tried to get a full 
body grip on the ladder. He managed 
to hang on, but I heard him whimper 
in a way Га whimpered myself just be- 
fore I took a 60-foot screamer off a 
rock called Royal Arches. It's a pathetic 
sound that comes up from a place in- 
side that has accepted the inevitability 
of what's about to happen. The differ- 
ence was that on Royal Arches, I'd 
been on a rope that had saved me. 

Marlin was clamped to the ladder 
like a mollusk, which was good, be- 
cause panic was all over him. If he tried 
1o move, he was going to fall. 

"Pour the water out," I shouted. 

“I can't," he said without looking up. 

"Drop the bucket." 

When he didn't answer, 1 started 
down. I stopped two rungs above him. 
“Don't move. Try to relax,” I said, even 

(continued on page 136) 


“My husband's just come home unexpectedly; he's gonna beat the 
hell out of us—Bachelor Number One, what do we do?” 


81 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


LENNY LIVES ¿ 


IT'S BEEN 30 YEARS SINCE HIS FIRST OBSCENITY ARREST. TODAY, LENNY BRUCE IS STILL THE FUNNIEST DEAD MAN IN AMERICA 


SITTING ON A poufstrewn sofa in the pink living room of her 
modest Hollywood apartment, Sally Marr, the 84-year-old 
former dancer and comedian, writes a check for $350, paus- 
es, sighs and tears it out of her checkbook. She hands it to 
her neighbor, a skinny young man who has recently emi- 
grated from Miami in a black pickup truck with a $1200 
paint job to make it as a rock musician in L.A. 

The check is to cover what happened when Sally gave the 
gardener who takes care of the building a couple of dollars 
to back her 1977 Ford Granada out of the carport so she 
wouldn't scratch the musician's truck parked alongside. 
Wouldn't you know, the gardener did the scratching himself 
and the musician was half-crazed with grief until Sally 
silenced him by commanding, "Stop it! You're talking to a 
real person here!” Then she calmed him down, agreed 
on a settlement and wrote the check, which she can ill 
afford, except that, as she explains, money doesnt mean 
anything to her and it shouldn't mean anything to him, 
because we all come into this world without it and we all 
leave the same way. 

The musician is quick to agree, even though the check, 
rather than the philosophy, would seem to be the source of 
his newly regained calm. But he gets excited once again 
when Sally starts telling him about her son, the legendary 
comic Lenny Bruce. 


“You're his mother?” the musician asks. “That's fantastic! 
I love comics. Where can I see him work?" 

“You can't,” Sally says. “He hasn't worked since 1966.” 

“How come?” 

She gestures aloft. “Because he's up there fucking around 
with Marilyn Monroe.” 

The musician glances upward, too, as if hoping to catch 
Marilyn dancing on the ceiling. “I don't get it,” he says. “I 
don't understand what you're saying.” 

“He died, schmuck. You can't see him because he's dead." 


P 
Thirty years ago this fall, on the evening of October 4, 
1961, two cops sauntered into a small San Francisco club 
called the Jazz Workshop. They approached the comic who 
had just finished performing and asked him to step outside. 
"Then they arrested him for having violated section 311.6 of 
California's penal code, which provided, "Every person who 
knowingly sings or speaks any obscene song, ballad or other 
words in any public place is guilty of a misdemeanor." 

The comic was Lenny Bruce and one of the alleged ob- 
scenities was a ten-letter word that, by virtue of his incredu- 
lous, then outraged, eventually obsessive but always 
principled responses to his persecution, found its own spe- 
cial place in the annals of free speech. 

The word was cocksucker. You (continued on page 88) 


By JOE MORGENSTERN 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVIO LEVINE 


3 opr B Etro 
rt E ЙУ m ауте 


= = : e л chem sent 
А een Fon lo 
IR: 224 А کک‎ a 


een EL ET, 


Over 


К со ی‎ 


PLAYBOY 


seele 


things you can live without, but who wants io? 


Shower yourself in luxury with Kallista's Magnum Spraydome, a dramatic 10"-diameter ceiling- 


mounted shower fixture that comes in a variety of spiffy metal finishes. The silver-and-gold 
model shown here, about $4000, is also available in a smaller Semi-Magnum version for $675. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROCNO. 


RHC for Mails uses more 
than 100 different post- 
age stamps from around 
the world to create its first- 
class collection of hand- 
made resin-coated metol 
cuff links, $30 a pair. 


Harmon Kardon’s striking 
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Changer features the 
company’s exclusive 3D 
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about $600, including a 
27-key remote control. 


These silver-plated busi- 
ness-card cases, with 
hand-opplied decoupage, 
$228, say olmost os much 
about you as the cards 
they carry, from Butler & 
Wilson, West Hollywood. 


Franklin's electronic Con- 
cise Columbia Encyclope- 
dia features split-second 
seorch and cross-refer- 
encing copobilities, plus a 
built-in spell checker and 
thesaurus, about $400. 


Explore the deep and get 
a great aerobic workout to 
boot with a pair of high- 
performonce Farce Fins, 
about $80, and a U.S. 
Divers’ Calypso Mask and 
Snorkel set, about $30. 


If yau're an ace ot darts, 
try Moeller's hand-crafted 
Viper throwing knives that 
are made of tempered 
stainless surgical steel, 
$70 ta $100, depending 
an the size and finish. 


Where & How to Buy on page 168. 


fen 


/ 


Whether fastened to а 
wall or placed on a table, x 
Savinelli’s handsome burl- 
veneer pipe cabinet, with 
brass ventilation holes, is 
a great way to display up 
to 18 pipes, about $500. 


PLAYBOY 


LENNY LIVES! ionica pron peee s23 


“There is no such thing as a dirty word, he liked to 
say, only scummy thoughts in the listener's mind.” 


can say it in a public place now without 
fear of having to endure anything like 
the two trials, spanning a period of five 
months, that Lenny went through in 
San Francisco. 1 can say it in public 
print. I can write it twice in the same 
paragraph, just for the h-—- of it. 
Cocksucker. 

Ме use many words more freely than 
we did when Lenny was alive. As Sally 
says, "Lenny lived so that old ladies to- 
day can talk like he talked." We will in- 
dulge, up to a point, the erratic rants 
of Andrew Dice Clay. We tune our car 
radios, with eager anticipation, to the 
drive-time insults of such shock jocks as 
Howard Stern and Jay Thomas and 
their clones across the country. Recent- 
ly, an FM station in Los Angeles plas- 
tered the town with billboards that 
stated, in a jagged crimson scrawl, 
SCREW THE RULES. In Lenny’s day, the 
billboards themselves would have been 
beyond the pale, never mind the sta- 
tion’s Arbitron-sanctified loudmouths 
who do the screwing. 

Looking back on the accounts of 
Lenny Bruce's obscenity trials in San 
Francisco, which were followed by 
much lengthier ones in Los Angeles 
and New York, it's tempting to see 
them as ancient history, perhaps trans- 
lated from the original cuneiform char- 
acters: the judge in the first San 
Francisco trial, who found Lenny 
guilty, declaring with indignant irrele- 
vance that he wouldn't let his grand- 
children hear one of Lenny's shows; 
the jury and spectators in the second 
trial, which acquitted him, roaring with 
laughter as the plodding prosecutor 
asked a witness whether he saw any- 
thing funny in the word cocksucker, 
and the witness replying wryly that, no, 
he didn't, at least not as the prosecutor 
had just presented it. 

Only last year, though, prosecutors 
played out an equally ludicrous scene 
in a Fort Lauderdale, Florida, court- 
room, when they put three members of 
the rap group 2 Live Crew on trial for 
having sung allegedly obscene lyrics. 
Here again, the culture gap proved un- 
bridgeable, as a white vice-squad detec- 
tive took the witness stand and became 
hopelessly flustered as she tried to 
translate a scratchy tape of black music 
that she had recorded on the sly but 
couldn't begin to comprehend. 

This time the jurors asked the judge 
for permission to laugh, and the judge 
had the good grace to grant their re- 


quest, noting that “some of them are 
having physical pain” from holding 
their laughter in. This time, as might 
have been predicted from such a re- 
quest, the jury laughed the prosecu- 
tion's ill-conceived, ill-prepared case 
out of court. 

Yet the last laugh doesn't always go 
to the defendants. Even now, three 
decades after Lenny's first bust for ob- 
scenity, squads of thought police still 
prowl the land, wrapping themselves 
in clerical status, political power or sim- 
ply the flag. They are still trying to 
peddle their pinched notions of clean 
and dirty, nasty and nice, and to prose- 
cute fellow citizens who believe, as 
Lenny did, that the First Amendment 
means exactly what it says. 

. 

“Lenny never cared about show business,” 
Sally says. “People would say to us, 'Gee, 
you're the most unusual thing Гое ever seen, 
a mother comic and а son comic. How come 
you went into that business?" I'd say, ‘We 
don't even like it. We're not in show busi- 
ness. We have no other skills.’" 

е 

This is а good time to rediscover 
Lenny Bruce, assuming that you’re old 
enough to have been aware, as well as 
alive, when he was in full cry; or to dis 
cover him, if you were just checking in 
as he was checking out. Of course, any 
time is a good time to connect with 
Lenny, for his was a wild life—some- 
times joyous, often harrowing but, 
above all, instructive to anyone who 
cares about what happens when come- 
dy spirals up into the perilous realms 
of social criticism. 

If that sounds like the beginning of 
a prospectus for an extension school 
course, why not? “Lenny Bruce: The 
Seminal Comic,” though one cringes at 
the thought of academics’ doing their 
own stuffy versions of his shtick. 
(Lenny himself cringed, during his in- 
famous 1964 trial in New York, when 
Inspector Herbert Ruhe, who had 
been sent by the city's Department of 
Licenses to monitor his performance, 
mimicked his routine in front of three 
stone-faced judges. "This guy is bomb- 
ing," Lenny whispered to his attorney, 
"and I'm going to jaill") The course 
could be taught late at night, say from 
midnight to two am, and broken down. 
into snappy subtopics such as the fol- 
lowing: 

Semantics! Lenny was an impassioned 
believer in language’s power to clarify, 


as well as to offend. There is no such 
thing as a dirty word, he liked to say, 
only scummy thoughts in the listener's 
mind. 

Jurisprudence! In the five years be- 
tween his San Francisco obscenity trials 
and his death, as the result of a drug 
overdose, in 1966, Lenny was hounded 
by the police of other cities, including 
but not confined to Chicago, Los Ange- 
les and New York, to the point where 
he'd been stripped of his cabaret li- 
cense in New York, could no longer 
work, was almost broke and became 
possessed, like the most desperate jail- 
house lawyer, by a naive conviction that 
he could turn the law to his own pur- 
poses and set himself free 

Logic! Lenny, born Leonard Schnei- 
der, started out as a hugely gifted but 
convenüonal Jewish performer (Jew- 
ishness and show business having been 
the mulch in which his genius sprout- 
ed) who found that he could make peo- 
ple laugh by telling the truth about 
such things as religion, sex and politics. 
Then he pursued the logic of those 
truths to astonishing, sometimes shock- 
ing extremes. 

Psychodyuamics! As his career caught 
fire in the late Fifties, a time of social 
conformity and political narcolepsy, 
Bruce sought to shock audiences into 
an awareness of their follies and hypoc- 
risies. The more he succeeded in this, 
the more he ran afoul of public fears 
and hostilities, puritanical cops and 
self-righteous judges. But high on his 
enemies list was the enemy within. His 
gifis for self-destruction were epic, and 
his weapons of choice were drugs; 
grass, speed, coke, heroin—you name 
it and he abused it. 

As required reading for such a 
course, there would be Lenny's autobi- 
ography, How to Talk Dirty and Influence 
People, and Albert Goldman's engross- 
ing biography, Ladies and Gentlemen— 
Lenny Bruce! As optional listening for 
extra credit, Lenny Bruce Remembered, 
Larry Josephson's excellent four-hour 
documentary that was broadcast on 
public radio, and which is available for 
purchase. As optional viewing, the 
movie Lenny, a disjointed, distanced, 
oddly dispirited affair directed by Bob 
Fosse in which Dustin Hoffman plays 
our hero as a wisecracking Christ. 

Yet there's a much more immediate 
way to appreciate Lenny Bruce, for his 
greatest legacy—more precious than 
the ghastly details of his persecution, 
more compelling than the sentimental- 
ized myths of his martyrdom—lies in 
his humor, in the pieces of the act that 
put him on the map. Like his soulmate 
Billie Holiday, who sang so sweetly be- 
fore drugs, booze and grief ravaged 
her voice and addled her brain, Lenny 

(continued on page 165) 


“I was just cruising along and you suddenly came to mind... .” 


89 


90 


more gadgetry for a turn-of-the-century shopping spree 


BACK 


TO- 
THE-FUTURE STUFF 


article By MALCOLM ABRAMS and HARRIET BERNSTEIN 


Five vens aco, who could have predict- 
ed that in 1991, we'd be dependent on 
fax machines, ultra-high-S.PF. suntan 
lotion and roller blades? Nobody, not 
even the people who are getting rich 
off them right now. Forecasting toys is 
2 tricky business. Two years 
ago, we gave you a peck ata 
dozen nifty inventions (Future 
Stuff, Playboy, September 
1989), many of them set to 
rock the world by 1991. The 
list was as odd as it was imagi- 
native: cars that fly; stereos 
with concert-hall acoustics; 
surgically implanted “eye 
rings” that flatten the cornea 
and eliminate the need for 
corrective lenses; toilets that 
wash, dry and perfume you 
without toilet paper; soaring 
sailboards; gyrating exercise 
machines; and mood bathing 
suits that change colors with 
body temperature. While 
none of these contraptions 
has yet made its anticipated 
splash in the marker place 
(have you seen a mood-suited, 
eyeringed babe zipping by 
in a flying Corvette lately?), 
busy scientific minds continue 
to forge ahead, undeterred, 
blueprinting another batch of 
gadgets for tomorrow. 

Featured below is their A 
list—from boots that put 
bounce into aerobics to self- 
parking cars. But before you 
start snickering, remember 
how you laughed at your 
neighbor when he got a CD 
player and a car phone. Fu- 
ture stuff has a way of sneak- 
ing up on you, and before 
you know it, you're desperate 
for the next trendy whar- 
chamacallit. This is the new 
hardware for the soft life. The 
inventors swear that their innovations 
will be for sale as early as next year, but 
we choose to be a little more realistic: 
Allow four to six years for delivery. But 
order now. 


EXERLOPERS 


Odds: $0 percent 
ETA: 1993 (available now by mail order) 
Price: $199 per poir 


Last year, the people of Pittsburgh 
got a preview of what will likely be the 
next physical-fitness craze to hit Amer- 
ica. And in the true spi of the 
Nineties internationalism, its inventor 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY GEORGANNE OFEN 


is a Canadian who emigrated from 
Russia. 

The demonstration occurred at the 
city’s Invention/New Product Exposi- 
tion, as a zany fellow bounded around 
the convention hall wearing strange 
skatelike boots. But instead of 
wheels or blades, the boots 
had elliptical soles made of 
two surfaces bowed in oppo- 
site directions. Constructed of 
flexible plastic, the soles were 
held together by a central bar 
that acted as a spring. 

The weird runner bounced 
high and far as he cruised up 
and down the rows of the in- 
yentors’ convention. Itlooked 
easy, it looked like fun and the 
guy covered a lot of ground 
with each bound. 

Gregory Lekhtman, of 
Montreal, is the creator of the 
revolutionary running boot, 
which he gave the decidedly 
‘American-sounding name the 
Exerloper. 

The inventor of a heart 
monitor and other health 
accessories, Lekhtman feels 
that regular running is too 
jarring on the joints and 
skeletal system. “We're run- 
ning to destroy ourselves!” he 
says in a thick Russian accent. 
“Bang your hand on the 
table! That's not exercise, 
thar's destroying! 

“If you are standing in 
a pair of these," Lekhtman 
continues, "the elliptical sole 
won't collapse. lt will stay 
curved. Then, when you start. 
running, the sole flattens 
and bounces, giving your feet. 
a cushioned landing and 
send-off.” 

According to Lekhtman, 
Exerlopers also provide the 
wearer with quite a workout. 
“They are four times more cardiovas- 
cular than running,” he says, because 
the amount of energy absorbed in the 
shock of hitting the surface is recycled 
back into your routine. 


PERSONAL 
SUBMARINE 


Odds: 75 percent 


E.TA: 1993 
Price: $100,000, until mass produced; 
then $35,000 


Like every other boy who followed 
the exploits of Jacques Cousteau, Tom- 
my Fury fantasized about going on 
great underwater adventures. He even 
imagined building his own submarine. 

For some boys, dreams die hard. 
Fury never let go of his, and now, at 
the age of 48, the former farmer has 
U.S. patent number 4,841,896—for 
the SSSV personal submarine. 

SSSV stands for Shallow Sight-see- 
ing Submerging Vehicle. “The main 
complaint with other small subs,” says 
Fury, “has always been the six-inch 
porthole. So my SSSV has a transpar- 
ent top and bottom, giving fall visibili- 
ty above and below. It's unique.” 

Also unlike other minisubs, the 
SSSV has its own air supply—just like 
the big boys—so operators needn't 
wear an oxygen mask inside the cabin. 
According to Fury, the sub will carry 
enough air to last for two days. 

The egg-shaped craft is 15 feet long 
and weighs 8000 pounds. It's easy to 
operate and can be transported on a 
regular boat trailer. Tracks on its bot- 
tom make it possible to drive the sub 
off the trailer right into the water 

Designed for two to four, the SSSV 


can dive to 100 
feet, making it the 
perfect vehicle for 
fish and flora 
sight-seeing in 
clear waters, The 
vehicle's six bat- 
tery-powered 
electric engines, 
similar to those 
used on small 
fishing boats, will 
keep it moving for. 
eight hours. Buoy- 
ancy bags are de- 
signed to inflate 
automatically if the 
craft goes too deep 
or an emergency 
develops. 

Fury has also 
patented a novel 
ballast system for 
the sub that uses 
tanks mounted on 
winglike struts that 
swing about and 
push the SSSV 
wherever the pilot wants it to go. 

The craft is steered by a joy stick, 
which directs the engines. Although 
the sub is easier to drive than a car 
with a manual transmission, operators 
will have to qualify for a license. 


SCRAP-HEAP 
HOMES 


Odds: 90 percent 
ETA: 1993 
Price: $40,000 to 
$1,000,000 


A house built of old 
tires, earth and alu- 
minum cans isn't ex- 
actly where you would 
expect to find a fa- 
mous actor making 
his home. Unless, of 
course, that actor is 
an ecological advocate 
who wants to show the 
world that we can save 
what we throw away— 
and then live in it. 

The actor is Dennis 
(Gunsmoke, McCloud) 
Weaver, and his home 
is a 9000-square-foot, 
$1,000,000 structure 
built into a hill near 
Telluride, Colorado. 
The house was constructed using 3000 
old tires and 200,000 aluminum cans, 
and everything inside is run by the 
sun—including the hot tub and the 


pump that operates the foyer waterfall. 

The house was created by 45-year- 
old visionary architect Michael Reyn- 
olds of Taos, New Mexico, who has 
built more than 50 of these energy-sav- 
ing structures, which he calls Earth- 
Ships. 

Nearly 20 years ago, two environ- 
mental reports by Walter Cronkite and 
Charles Kuralt inspired the young 
Reynolds to create ecologically sound 
homes. After experimentation, he 
found that a combination of old tires, 
cans and earth formed ideal building 
blocks for his self sufficient homes. 

“The house is like a battery,” says 
Reynolds. “The dense mass of materi- 
als—three feet thick—captures and 
stores energy from either the sun or 
conventional heat sources.” 

After a усаг of warming, Weaver's 
home holds a constant temperature of 
68 to 72 degrees Fahrenheit. The 
house is not even hooked up to a pow- 
er line; photovoltaic cells provide the 
juice for lights. 

In the living room, Weaver has a 
300-square-foot planter for vegetables 
and fruit that is irrigated by a system 
that filers runoff water from five 
baths and a laundry. “This is a house 
you don’t have to take care of,” says 
Weaver. “It takes care of jou.” 

If you don't have $1,000,000 to 
spend on a scrap-heap home, you can 
build one of your own using Reynolds‘ 
step-by-step guidebook, EarthShip. The 
book teaches the ambitious do-it-your- 
selfer how to build a 2500-square-foot 
EarthShip for about $40,000, saving 


as much as 75 percent on the cost 
of materials. Reynolds expects entire 
EarthShip communities to spring up 
around America in the next six years. 


92 


HOLOGRAPHIC 
FOOD 


Imagine seeing a cartoon character 
dancing inside a giant lollipop or 
watching little canoes race through 
your corn flakes every morning. Sure, 
it sounds more exciting than reading 
the back of a cereal box, but is the 
world ready for digestive entertain- 
ment? 

The folks at the Dimensional Foods 
Corporation in Boston think so. 
They're busy developing holograms 
(those wonderful three-dimensional 
Pictures such as the one on your Mas- 
terCard) то be embedded into edi- 
bles—everything from standard fare to 
candy bars to pills. And there will be no 
harmful additives, the company says. 

The actual incorporation of the 
holograms into the food is simple. 
Workers at Dimensional mold micro- 
scopic ridges onto the surface of foods. 
or, in the case of lollipops, the ridges 
are molded into edible film that is 
then embedded into the candy. Light 
bouncing off these microscopic ridges 
behaves the same way as light pass- 
ing through a prism—it hends, then 
breaks into patterns of different colors. 

The specific process being used by 
Dimensional Foods was developed by 
the company’s president, Eric Begleit- 
er. The difference between his method 


and the one used by the credit-card 
companies is that the ridges of the 
holograms are cast onto the foods 
themselves, rather than onto Mylar film. 


THE 
SELF-PARKING CAR 


Odds: 75 percent ^ 
E.TA.: 1999 
Price: N/A 


Volkswagen made a big 
hit at this year's auto show 
in New York—but not only 
with its 1991 models. Spec- 
tators watched pop-eyed as 
VW unveiled technology it 
plans to implement some- 
time in the next decade: a 
car that will park itself. Now, 
this is what the future is sup- 
posed to be about. 

The technology for auto- 
matic parking has already 
been incorporated into a 
research vehicle called the 
Futura, a bubble car with 
two-plus-two seating, gull- 
wing doors, electronic four- 
wheel steering and a 
1.7-liter, 82-horsepower en- 
gine with direct fuel injec- 
tion. Operation of the 
self-parking mechanism will 
be as easy as flicking on the 
radio. The driver will simply press a 
button to confirm the maneuver, then 
sit back while the 
computerized, 
sensor-equipped 
car slips perfectly 
into the tightest of 
spaces. 

“It was impres- 
to watch the 
technology in ac- 
tion,” said a re- 
porter who was 
covering the auto 
show for a nation- 
al magazine. “But 
even more inter- 
esting was seeing 
the satisfied smiles 
in the crowd. You 
could tell that this 
was one invention 
that would really 
take off. After all, 
everyone hates 
Parking.” 

The nuts and 
bolts of the tech- 
nology are fasci- 
nating. As the car 
approaches the 


space, sensors determine whether or 
not it's adequate. A display panel then 
indicates a choice of five maneuvers 
(forward, back. parallel. straight and 
tail-wagging). The driver confirms the 
selection by pushing a button and the 
automatic parking pilot goes into ac- 
tion. 

During the actual parking, the space 
is constantly scanned by the sensors to 
register any obstacle fore or aft, as well 
as proximity to the curb. All the ma- 
neuvers have been designed to mini- 
mize interference with traffic. 


The automatic system also leaves the 
car in the best possible position for a 
quick, one-move exit, which is also au- 
tomatic. However, the driver can inter- 
rupt the automatic process and resume 
control of the car at any time during 
the maneuver. 

The sensors that regulate self-park- 
ing can also be used during normal 
driving to measure distances to cars in 
front and behind, as well as the prox- 
imity to other road obstacles. After de- 
termining and evaluating the distances 
and speed, the electronic system issues 
a visual warning on the dashboard if 
trouble is imminent. Volkswagen engi- 
neers believe this system may help 
avert “pile-up” accidents. 

More than anything else, it is the ad- 
vances in four-wheel-steering technol- 
ogy that have enabled VW researchers 
in Germany to develop the ingenious 
self-parking system. They aggressively 
pursued this innovation, because the 
wedge shape on most new cars, while 
aerodynamically advantageous, was 
making it more difficult for drivers to 
see the extremities of the car while try- 
ing to park. 

Now, if only someone would come 
up with the removable fire hydrant 


AIRPLANE 
MODULES 


Odds: 50 percent 
E.TA.: 2000 
Price: N/A 


Ever missed a connecting flight or 
had your luggage end up in Montser- 
rat instead of Montreal? Take heart. 
There may soon be a 
hetter way. 

“All ofthe troubles of 
air travel can be traced 
to one root cause," says 
Albert A. Lupinetti, the 
chief scientist at the 
Federal Aviation Ad- 
ministration's Techni- 
cal Center in Atlantic 
City “Airports аге 
overloaded." 

Lupinetti's solu- 
tion—which will elim- 
inate delays, air 
congestion and sched- 
uling hasses—is the 
“self-contained travel 
module.” Each unit 
will hold between ten 
and 20 passengers and 
will be outfitted with its 
own kitchen, bathroom 
and luggage space. 
Passengers will board 
the modules at outposts miles from 
the airport. 

Imagine: You live in Connecticut 
and plan to fly to Seaule. Your flight 
leaves from New York's JFK. Airport 
with a change-over in Chicago. Under 
Lupinetii's plan, you board the “Seattle 
module" at your local train station. As 
you sit back and enjoy a drink, the 
module is transported by train to J.F.K. 
Airport, loaded onto a conveyor track 


and then moved directly to 
the Chicago-bound plane— 
where it is snapped into 
place with other modules 
arriving from New Jersey, 
Westchester County, Long 
Island and Upstate New 
York. When all the modules 
are fitted snugly to the air- 
craft, the plane takes off. 

In Chicago, your module 
is disconnected and trans- 
ported to the Seattle-bound 
plane, while the other mod- 
ules are dispersed to their 
connecting flights. When 
you arrive in Seattle, you 
deboard your module with 
your luggage—which has 
never left your side. 

“The whole objective is 
to make the system more 
efficient,” says Lupinetti, adding that 
half-full planes could be fitted with car- 
go modules. “With a one hundred per- 
cent load factor, the system would be 
more profitable and practical for the 
airlines. For instance, one airplane 
could hold modules from many travel 
companies as well as modules from 
different airlines. This would enable 
several companies to make money 
on one flight.” 


Lupinetti even envisions a day when 
specialized modules could be designed 
to accommodate the traveler's every 
whim. “You could have a module with 


a sauna, modules that serve Italian 
food or modules that are decorated in 
Early American," he suggests. The one 
drawback of the system is the cost of 
initial implementation. Lupinetti won't 
even hazard a guess. 


LIQUID 
SUNGLASSES 


Odds: 95 percent 


Forget the shades. Lose the visor. 
Special eyedrops will soon be the best 
way to keep the sun out of your eyes. 

Dr. Neville A. Baron, a New Jersey 
ophthalmologist, has developed drops 
that screen out most ultraviolet light. 
Sounds simple, but with the depletion 
of the ozone layer and the increasing 
amount of ultraviolet light passing 
through it, this is no small invention. 

Ordinary sunglasses block out 60 to 
95 percent of ultraviolet-A rays, which 
some doctors believe cause blindness 
by destroying retinal cells, and 60 to 95 
percent of ultraviole-B rays, which 
contribute to the formation of cat- 
aracıs. Dr. Baron's drops, which are 
chemical compounds also used in the 
treatment of eye disorders, will knock 
out 98 percent of the ultraviolet rays. 

Another advantage of eyedrops over 
dark glasses is that you'll be able to see 
better indoors. Since 40 percent of our 
exposure to ultraviolet rays occurs 


inside—from television sets, computer 
screens and fluorescent lighting —some 
people will use the drops even when 
they aren't in the sun. 

Clear, colorless and nonirritating, 
the drops will be effective for as long as 
four hours. As soon as FDA approval is 
obtained, Baron's brain child is likely 
to become as available as suntan lotion. 


93 


rROLUNG the Strip in her 

glitzed-out home town, Corin- 

na Harney looks positively 

tame. A jaunty chapeau atop 

her gold tresses. a low-cut black 

blouse under a fish-net sweater 
that matches her candy-pink lip- 
stick—well, che look is practically 
prosaic next to the checkered 
polyesters and wild midnight styles 
of other Las Vegas Strip walkers. 
The same can't be said for Corinna 
herself. She is as surprising as the 
cactus flowers that sprang from the 
Nevada desert the week we met her. 
She's a poet in a town full of dice 
players, a Vegas lover who has nev- 
er gambled, a blónde whose hair 
should have been either black or 
red (her heritage is Cherokee-Irish, 
on both sides of the family). In a 
desert of neon, Corinna is a placid 
casis. "I was never quite in sync with 
society” she says. Growing up in 
Nevada teaches a girl to make her 
own way One way was poetry. 
When words failed her, she just 
goofed off: Too young to hang out 
in the casinos, Corinna and her 
school pals used to hit the Strip and 
act silly. “It was great. Everything 
was open late. We'd watch the peo- 
ple, pretending we were tourists." 
Sometimes, they were tourist ter- 
rorists, using squirt guns or water 
balloons to startle out-of-towners. 
The cops put a stop to that; Vegas 
caters to visitors and expects young 
locals to find their own fun until 
they turn 21. On weekends, the kids 
trucked to the desert. Garage bands 
plugged in portable generators and 
bounced thrash rock off the night 
sky; Corinna and friends danced. 
They also watched shooting stars. 
"In the desert, you'll see four or five 
in a few hours," she says. "I'd make 
a wish on every one." One of her 
wishes, way back then, was to 
be a Playmate of the Month. "And 
now I am,” says Miss August. 
"Maybe shooting stars do work." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


meet corinna harney, the biggest surprise in town 


VEGAS WINNER 


Corinne is equelly at home an the Vegas Strip (top) and in the sands northeast of town, 
near Nellis Air Force Base (above), where she decamps for a day cf four-wheeling with 
her blond brother John and friends. John, 16, hopes to heodline os а comic one doy. His 
now-fomous sis, 19, hos no bright-lights ombitions. "I just wont to stay hoppy," she soys. 


85 


Miss August's many moods start obove and proceed clockwise across the next 
page to the photo below. Corinno is an animol lover, a suliry desert siren, great 
at dancing "do butt,” the perfect picnic companion, a siren, a shy model for 
cowboy boots and a bowler, a siren and, well, you ought to know by now. 


WY 


7 


nn < a 


100 


Don't think Corinna misses out on physical pleasures. Like many a Nevadan, she has jet-skied nude 
on Lake Mead. And one of her love poems reads as follows: *Flowing through your arms, drinking from 
your streams/Fantasizing you as a mountain of pleasure/Seeing your skin, I feel the need to find your 
treasures./ If you can't tell, the fairy tale is true./Lying side by side, this adventureland for me and you." 


“I've wanted ta be a Playmate far years,” soys Corinna. "Now | feel so lucky!” Perhaps you naticed the playing cards 
embossed on the boots she wears on the previous pages. All aces. As with Corinne, the secret isn't luck; it’s design. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


a CORINNA HARNEY 

muss. 34 msn 22 ums: 3 Y 

mom D d^ werowr: _/OS | 

BIRTH DATE: Leu au E EE 


AMBITIONS: 

interested ѓа йа аад excited about lite l 
TURN-ONS: r Dou a 
a sky Af of Bae Jav lale 

TURN-OFFS: ZA A4 VE Lh 7 ; 


+ la 


FAVORITE PEOPLE: 


or „Кес i 4 
sene АЕ ой fog ef m 
h£ 各 


MY HEALTH FOODS: Chocel, -Chi a, y beer 
CORINNA'S NIGHT SE УЗЕ TEA 


vd / ad UE 
/f] 1 ш 


515 DORINDA + ME 65521 fe 
FUTURE PLAYMATES? ey, о ars Cookies, anyone ? 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Back in 1350 вс, the teacher at the Pharaoh’ 
best school for scribes announced a hiero- 
glyphics dictation test. Scrolls and drawing 
reeds were produced and the instructor be- 
gal Praise be to our great king Tut 
ankhamen. . . ." The students began drawing. 
"The most noble of kings. . . .” The students 
continued, “The best loved of leaders. 


They still drew. “The most virile of kings. . . ." 
Suddenly, a student in the back of the тоо 
turned to the apprentice scribe next to hi 


and asked, "How do you spell v 
testicle or two?” 


le, with one 


What's the difference between a lawyer and a 
catfish? One's a scum-sucking scavenger and 
the other is just a fish. 


nto a saloon and bellied 
т. “What'll you have?” the bar- 


ed. 

“ГЇЇ have a glass of blood," the first repl ied 

“Pl have a glass of blood. ton, please.” 
the second. 

“II have a glass of plasma,” said the third. 
OK, let me get this straight,” the bartender 
said. “That'll be two bloods En a blood light? 


What's the wo 
turn the page. 


t part of safe sex? Stopping to 


A woman with 14 children, aged one to 14, 
decided to sue her husband for divorce on the 
rounds of desertion. 
“When did he desert you?” the judge 
“Thirteen years ago,” she replied. 
“If he left thirteen years ago, where did all 
the children come from?” 
"Well," explained the woman, “he kept com- 
ing back to say he was sorry." 


ked. 


А; the Rolls-Royce idled at a stop light, a Mer- 
cedes-Benz pulled up beside it. “Hey, 1 have 
not only a phone in my car," the Rolls dr 
said, "but a fax machine as well. 

"Big deal" the Mercedes driver repli 

"I've got a water bed in the back 

"rhe Rolls driver was furious as he watched 
the Mercedes take off. He drove directly to an 
auto-specialty shop and had а $5000 water bed 
installed in the back of his car. 

A few weeks later, the Rolls pulled up to the 
same Mercedes at a stop light. ‘The driver 
honked, then honked again. Finally, the Mer- 
cedes window rolled down. "You have nothing 
on me,” the driver boasted. “1 have a heated, 
five-thousand-dollar water bed in back.” 

"The Mercedes driver poked his head out the 
dow and shouted, “You mean you got me 
out of the shower to tell me th 


ed. 


М. Spencer,” the banker said to the oilman, 
we lent you a million dollars to revive your 
old wells and they went dry.” 

“Coulda been wi „7 the oilman гер! 

“Then we lent you a million more to drill 
new wells,” the banker continued, “and they 
re dry. 
"Coulda been worse." 

And then we lent you another million for 
new drilling equipment and it broke down." 

“Coulda been worse.” 

“I'm getting a little tired ofh 
Spencer,” the banker snapped. 
how could it have been worse?” 

“Coulda been my money. 


aring that, Mx. 
Tell me, just 


Hello, Mom. How's Dad 
He got struck by lightning on the golf 
course and died.” 
“What hole was he оп?” 
he seventeenth.” 
“Well, how was he doing 


ntil then?” 


In the first few minutes of the ground war, a 
defiant Saddam Hussein looked into a mirror 
and bellowed, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, 
who's the toughest son of a bitch of them all?” 

“All right,” he growled, turning from the 
mirror toward his military advisors, “who the 
hell is Bobby Knight2” 


Grafito spotted in a singles-bar men's room: 
SE YOU CAN T GIVE UP SEX, GET MARRIED AND TAPER OFF 


When the man first noticed that his penis was 
growing longer, he was delighted. But several 
weeks and several inches later, he became con- 
cerned and went to see a urologist. 

While his wife waited outside, the physician 
examined him and explained that, though 
rare, his condition could be correcied by mi 
nor surgery. 

The patients wife anxiously rushed up to 
the doctor after the examination and was told 
of the diagnosis and the need for surgery. 
“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked 

arches?” the doctor asked. 

“Well, yes,” the woman said. * 
to lengthen his legs, aren't yc 


"You ar going 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


"Are you trying to tell me you can make me come by just 
gazing ilo my i-yi-yi-yi-yieees!?” 


108 


in a nondescript office near the pen- 
tagon, the scientists who broke irag’s 
back are already fighting the next war 


article By JOHN SEDGWICK rr was a war full 


of stunning images: the view from the "smart" bombs' nose- 
cone cameras; the sight of anti-aircraft fire spraying into the 
night skies over Baghdad, as the Iraqi gunners shot in vain 
at Stealth bombers they couldn't see, much less hit; the re- 
ports of the Cruise missile that made its way down a street in 
Baghdad, paused at the corner and took a left, like a com- 
muter going to work. 

These were the visions of the Nintendo war, a conflict so 
antiseptically high-tech that American soldiers weren't ma- 
jor players until the very end, and then only to round up the 
enemy like so many thousands of lost sheep. This war wasn't 
won by men but by machines—Stealth aircraft, smart 
weapons—that pounded the Iraqis into submission before 
they even had a chance to fight. These machines didn't come 
from the Army, Navy, Air Force or the Marines (though they 
happily took credit for them). They came from a little- 
known band of technological Green Berets called DARPA, 
or, to give it the full name no one ever uses, the Defense Ad- 
vanced Research Projects Agency. 

DARPA is a dust mite by Pentagon standards—just 160 
civilian employees operating out of a single, nondescript 
office building in Rosslyn, Virginia, on a measly annual 
budget of a billion and change. But DARPA is the place 
where, as John Pike of the Federation of American Scientists 
puts it, "the toys come from." Since its creation in 1958, 
DARPX's job has been to investigate military technologies 
that are so far out (or "high-risk, high-payoff,” in DARPA 
parlance) that they can take 20 years to turn into usable mil- 
itary hardware—if they ever make it at all. 

The agency, of course, doesn't think of itself as chief toy- 
maker to the American military. In DARPA lingo, it simply 
does "interesting work." The only frustrating part of the 
process is waiting for God and man to produce a war in 
which all this technology can actually be useful. One after 
another, highly promising (from DARPA's standpoint, at 
least) American military conflicts pooped out into limited- 
scale, low-tech no-shows. Grenada, Libya and Panama were 
over before the DARPA guys warmed up their computers. 

But then, finally, Saddam Hussein showed up with a war 
so perfectly suited to DARPA's needs and interests that it 
might actually have been set up as a monthlong DARPA 
technology demo. It was fought out in the open, with almost. 
six months’ notice, against an enemy competent enough to 
justify bringing out all our best weaponry but not so compe- 
tent that we had to worry about losing much of it. And the 
result was—well, you know what the result was. 

None of the 


equipment in the 
ued on page 122) 


DARPA 


ILLUSTRATION EY MIKE BENNY 


po 


2 


U ti S 


ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. 


р“: Downey, Jr, the 26-year-old star 
“Less than Zero," “The Pick-up 
Ry * "Chances Are," “1969,” “True Be- 
lieve" “Air America” and, most recently, 
“Soapdish,” lives in a Los Angeles ginger- 
bread house he shares with actress Sarah Jes- 
sica Parker. When Contributing Editor 
David Rensin met the energetic young actor 
there, Downey immediately led him to an up- 
stairs office, where he wanted to video-tape 
the interview. He quickly abandoned that to 
show off his electronic keyboards, Macintosh 
computer, fax machine, stereo setup, video 
and television equipment. “About the only 
things that weren't plugged into the wall,” 
Rensin told us, “were the Abdomenizer, the 
Lifecycle and Downey himself.” 


Ts 


тілувоу: What was the biggest risk you 
ever took as an actor, and did you pull 
it off? 
DOWNEY: It was in Less than Zero, playing 
a guy who's bisexual, doing a scene 
with my underwear down and my head 
between some guy's legs. If 1 was con- 
vınang—and 1 think 1 was—it was be- 
cause 1 was in the moment. I was 
paying attention. 1 was also thinking 
that there's nothing worse than seeing 
holl d an actor not com- 
mit to sometbing 

falls that’s uncomfort- 


most self- able. As Kevin 

Kline once said to 

propelled me, "Actors today 

refuse to ever re- 

OUI actor ally jump into 

y 

comedy roles, be- 

revs up on cause they are 

B trying to let you 

american know that they 

are much smarter 

psycho, re- than the person 

" they're playing. 

grets his en- They want to in- 

- j little 

counter with — 227 of how 

i wonderfully bril- 

a rottweiler fene and intel 

т gent and ahead of 

and explains 5” incu em 

why he comedically" I'd 

d give you exam- 

ples of who he 

reads meant but 1 

letterman might have to 

work with one of 

E 
weeks. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CATANZARO/MAHOESSIAN 


PLAYBOY: peiras actor peers with 
whom you can be honest when it comes 
to their work? 

powney: It’s hard for me to imagine 
that I’m the one who should bring bad 
news to somebody 1 consider a worth- 
less dog-fucker of an actor. Besides, it's 
important to have a couple of clowns 
around, isn't it? Of course, if you're re- 
ally good in something, everybody is 
very eager to share that with you. Even 
if you're just OK, they're likely to say 
something positive. But when you suck 
and they don’t say anything, it says vol- 
umes. There are definitely people who 
are very honest with me about certain 
things. They'll say, "You were just lazy 
there. You could have done. . . .” I go, 
“I know.” I take criticism well. I just 
want to know the fucking truth. I don’t 
need to be babied anymore, I’m twen- 
tycsix years old. 


E 


кїлүвоу: What matters tremendously 
now that never used to, aud what 
doesn't mauer that once did? 

DowNEY: What matters a lot to me now 
is longevity. I always had a Dionysian 
approach to things that I thought real- 
ly worked for me. But now I have be- 
come a litle bit more of a grandpa. It’s 
time to build a nest egg. Not just mon- 
стагйу but emotionally. What's so fun- 
ny is that ultimately, being in the public 
eye, you are setting yourself up for a 
vast and incomprehensible depression 
when it’s over. So what's really impor- 
tant to me that didn’t used to be is 
thinking about my future. 

And what isn't important now is leav- 
ing a room having convinced everyone 
that I'm the funniest, most original 
person they've ever met. I used to have 
this feeling that unless I had gone nine 
steps further than was necessary to 
convince everyone of my comedic gen- 
ius and spiritual insight, I was invalid. 
And now I'm just a lot more interested 
in being OK with myself. 


4. 


тлувоу: Having helped bring Less than 
Zero to the world, where do you stand 
on Bret Easton Ellis’ latest contribu- 
tion, American Psycho? 

owner: Here's how J see it: Anything 
thatis provocative is worth while. Amer- 
ican Psycho might not be appealing, it 
might not be interesting, even, butlook 


what it's created. 4 brought out a 
bunch of people who say, “Oh, you 
can't do that." Whether it’s positive ог 
negative, as long as something breaks 
through all those subtle areas of your 
own filtering system and gets you right 
at the core and gets some sort of re- 
sponse, it has validity. Look, if you 
asked me if I'd defend someone's right 
10 take a dump on the sidewalk, I'd say 
yeah. 1 think “offensive” is definitely in 
the eye of the beholder, There are a lot 
of things I’m interested in that every- 
one else considers offensive. 


LM 


PLAYBOY: What's the most regrettable 
thing you've ever done? 

powney: I was in Amsterdam a while 
ago. 1 went to the red-light district and 
I vas really, really perturbed by what I 
saw. 1 thought it was going to be like lit- 
tle treasurers from Helsinki, but, in 
fact, it was vile. Strange even to the 
strange. I went into a bookstore and I 
opened a book. I should have known. 
It was like Kindersex and Habensex. 
Child sex, dark sex. And then I saw 
this animal thing, and the minute I 
opened it, I thought, Oh, fuck, it's too 
late. I've already seen it; now its 
logged in there forever. Hundsex. Dog. 
sex. That was the most regrettable 
thing that I've done. I can see it right. 
now. There it is, that jazzed-up chick 
right on this Rottweiler's schnitzel. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: What are your rules for sus- 
taining a relationship with that most 
impulsive of creatures, the actress? 
powney: [Laughs] Be brutally honest. 
Do whatever it takes to sustain humor. 
And spontaneity. It sounds so cheesy, 
but I guess that’s what it is. Sometimes 
ir's hard to really draw the line between 
when you're being honest in order 10 
dump your shit on someone else and 
when you're being honest to express 
something that actually is important 
for you to address. Ir's really nice how 
some humans are capable of putting 
their frustration on hold until some- 
one clears out of a lengthy period 
of denial, self-destruction, whatever. 
That's amazing to me. 


7. 


pLaveoy: When is sex overrated? 

powney: Before it happens. I hear if 
you jerk off first thing in the morning, 
no woman (continued on page 143) 


ni 


two years ago, we told you golf would take over the nineties. 


now we're telling you it's even more serious than that. 
these days, if you don't play golf, you can't talk to the guys, 
you can't conduct your business, you can't learn life's important lessons. 


because of golf, we're neglecting the s&l scandal 


and we're not meeting any women. it’s driving us crazy. it's... 


The Gol/ Crisis 


irs raue. Golf has taken over everything. It has 
insinuated itself into the otherwise tight twill of 

our everyday lives. For it, we abjure those things 
that are responsible, honorable and for which we en- 
dured years of arduous training. Golf has become a 
nonnegotiable demand on our time. And what do we 
get in return? Golf's current abuse. It used to be im- 
mensely rewarding. Here was a relationship we could 
understand. But lately, golf has been tarted up. Its 
once wholesome, animal allure is now in danger of los- 
ing its soul. 

During the Seventies, it was trendy for golf archi- 
tects to build new 7000-yard-long "backbreaker" 
courses. Existing country clubs joined the band wag- 
on, stretching out their courses by building new tees 
farther back into the woods. 

Equipment companies assisted golfers desperate for 


distance by designing the perfect distance com- 
bination for long tee shots: metal woods, 
graphite shafts and solid balls. Business boomed 
Golfers, frustrated for years, now lived for the power- 
ful clicking sound a metal head makes when a 
graphite shaft whips it into the ball at high club-head 
speed. Then a new architectural trend took place in 
the Eighties: shorter, narrower courses that were lit- 
tered with more sand and deeper bunkers. Equi 
ment companies came to the rescue again, only this 
time, the focus was on the manufacture of “game-im- 
provement” recovery clubs. An array of high-lofted 
six, seven and eight woods with unique cambered 


soles gave the golfer ripping power in the rough. 

More technologically advanced investment cast 
irons, featuring perimeter weighting, were designed 
to launch the ball high into (concluded on page 149) 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN O'LEARY 


113 


114 


crisis? what crisis? meet the happy 
mexican, who has never met a golf course he didr't like 


A Conversation 
wit 


Lee Trevino 


PLAYBOY: In 1990, you earned one point two million dollars 
on the Senior Tour, more than Greg Norman made on the 
regular PG.A. Tour. The Senior Tour seems to be getting 
more popular, Why? 

‘Trevino: The majority of the fans now supporting the Senior 
‘Tour watched us play all those years. They ve told their kids 
and the grandkids all about us. That's why our galleries are 
actually getting younger and younger all the time. Plus, 
we've always had an identity. Arnold Palmer, the Happy 
Mex, Chi Chi Rodriguez. We had names and we had people, 
the little man from South Africa, Gary Player; left-hander 
Bob Charles; Arnie's Army; the Sergeant, Orville Moody. We 
were almost like TV characters. The only player on the reg- 
ular tour galleries identify with and recognize everywhere is 
Payne Stewart. And thar's only because he wears different 
clothes than everyone else. When he takes those plus fours 
and those long Argyle socks off, no one knows him. In his 
private life, he walks around and nobody recognizes him. 
He's almost like the rock band Kiss. 

PLAYBOY: It's no secret that the regular PG.A. Tour needs a 
superstar. Candidates include Nick Faldo and Mark Cal- 


cavecchia. Can one player dominate? 
Trevino: There аге too many tournaments, and the prize 
money is so big now. No player is going to compete enough 
to have a chance of dominating. A decent finish in only a 
couple of events gives him a decent living. 
PLAYBOY: Is that the only reason? Isn't it also that today's play- 
ers lack character? 
TREVINO: We're in a different generation. When we came up, 
in the Fifties and Sixties, we didn't just play golf. We worked 
in the pro shop. We sold people shoes. We'd sell a golfer a 
pair of ten-Ds when he wore eleven-C and he liked them. We 
sold large-size shirts to guys who wore extra-large. We were 
salesmen. We went out at night, we drank, we played cards. 
The new generation of golfers coming up today is very tal- 
ented but strietly business. They're not actors—entertain- 
ers—end they should be. Regardless of what you think, 
people still love to be stroked a little bit. They don't care if 
its a lie, they just say, "Hey, the guy talked to me.” “He 
slapped me on the back." “We laughed together." "We had a 
beer." Because of our backgrounds, and because the Senior 
Tour is like a second childhood, we (continued on page 144) 


PAINTING BY HERB DAVIDSON 


who did seve ballesteros turn to when he 
needed to improve his swing? the same man we did 


The 
erfect Lesson 


instruction By PHIL RITSON 


NOST GOLF INSTRUCTORS believe they have given the perfect les- 
son. Unfortunately, the result is not always perfect. As Red 
Auerbach reminds us, it’s not what you teach, it’s what they 
learn. We teachers of this wonderful game need to pay more 
attention to what the pupil understands of the lesson and 
how he can feel and practice the motions that work for him. 

The essence of the perfect swing starts with the elimina- 
tion of unnecessary movements. 

In the early stages of learning the golf swing, do not use a 
golf ball. This “dry swinging” allows you to focus on the cor- 
rect swing motion, creating a “feel pattern.” The ball is an 
intimidating factor that takes away the ability to achieve that 
pattern. Consequently, I teach my pupils to dry swing at 
least four or five times for every ball they hit. The conscious 
thought in the dry swing is to feel the mechanics and learn 
to hit the ball instinctively. 

The setup, which consists of grip, stance, posture and 
alignment, is fundamental in creating the swing that's right 
for you. Anyone can have a perfect setup. It doesn’t matter 
what your body type is; the fundamentals of the setup re- 
main the same—but more on that later. 


The controlled power swing is achieved by a few major 
body moves; i.e., use of the big muscles, centrifugal power 
and balance. To master these key body moves, you must first 
understand them. Let’s begin with the essentials. 

GRIP 

It is very important to have a grip that will reduce the 
movement of the hands as much as possible. The hands 
transmit the speed and power through your body to the club 
head, and the less they move, the better they transmit. You 
must never “roll” your hands. 

I teach the two conventional grips—interlock and over- 
lap—because they allow the hands to work as one unit, while 
the ten-finger grip does not. Normally, a person with 
smaller hands prefers the interlock grip, and a person with 
bigger hands, the overlap grip. Also, if you have small 
hands, the handle of your club should be thinner, and if you 
have big hands, slightly thicker. In taking up your grip, the 
club should run diagonally across your upturned left hand, 
from the pad near the base of the palm to the bottom of the 
index finger. Hold the grip mainly in the palm of the left 
hand, making sure the last three (continued on page 150) 


ILLUSTRATION BY WILL NELSON 


17 


18 


you may think you know from pressure: 
the bonked drive, the sculled pitch, the missed putt. 
but for the young men who enter p.g.a. qualifying school, 
the chance at a career is a stroke of luck 


chool Confidential 


article By KEVIN COOK 


MICKEY YOKOI was in jail. Golf jail, the kind with bark on the 
bars. The green was just 60 yards off, but a stand of pines 
blocked the way. A small, wiry man dressed in Gary Player 
black, Yokoi choked a sand wedge and took a practice swing, 
wishing the wedge were a chain saw. Then he hit a shot you 
and I dream of—it hooked a bit, hopped twice and rolled 
tight to the flag. His birdie got him within sniffing distance 
of the leader board at the Shreveport Open. 

After dinner that night, Yokoi grinned at a fortune cookie 
that read, vou ARE THE MASTER OF EVERY SITUATION. His wife, Car- 
ole, laughed at her fortune: YOU WILL ATTRACT CULTURED AND. 
ARTISTIC PEOPLE To YOUR HOME. “No, to our van,” she said. The 
homeless Yokois live in a Mazda MPV. Carole recently start- 
ed lugging her husband's clubs during tournaments, saving 
$200 a week in caddie fees, and although he was 35th on the 
money list in March, Mickey had earned only $2886. He can 
drive the ball 300 yards and hook a hooded sand wedge 
around a tree, but he'll be lucky to make $20,000 in 1991. 

He plays the Ben Hogan Tour, golf's minor league. 
Hogan Tourists call it “the little tour" to distinguish it from 
“the big tour” of PG.A. stars Greg Norman, Curtis Strange 


and Corey Pavin. And Mickey Yokoi, for those of you who 
remember Kevin Costner in Bull Durham, is Crash Davis. At 
32, he's still shooting for the Show. A second-team all-Amer- 
ican ten years ago, he was number-two man on a UCLA 
squad that included Pavin, Steve Pate and Jay Delsing. Pavin 
made $468,830 on the big tour last year, Pate $334,505 and 
Delsing $207,740. Yokoi, playing minitour events in Cana- 
da, made just over $10,000. Which doesn't make him a los- 
er, just a guy with a devil of a job. In the rarefied air of pro 
golf, where .04 strokes per round separated Strange and 
Bob Estes in 1990, many men spend years looking for the 
magic that erases that 4: of a stroke. 

In March, at Shreveport, Yokoi shot 76 in the second 
round and missed the cut. Packing his van with putters, 
countless packs of microwave rice and the reel of fishing line 
he uses to measure yardages, he drove to Gulfport, Missis- 
sippi, the little tour’s next stop. Beyond Gulfport loomed a 
nightmare—another trial at Tour Qualifying School, boot 
camp for golfers. 

The PG.A.s annual Tour Qualifying School—“Tour 
School” or “Q School” for short— (continued on page 152) 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN O'LEARY 


from manhattan 
to santa fe. spicy foods are hot, hot, hot 


F YOU want to make a Texan see red, try the approach 

Barry Goldwater of Arizona used to tick off the late John 

Tower of Texas on the floor of the Senate back in 1974: 

"Senator," said Goldwater, “a Texan does not know chili 

from the leavings in a corral" and, with thar, challenged 
Tower to a chili cook-off. As it turned out, the judges gave 
the nod to the Arizonan's mix of ground beef, chili powder 
and pinto beans—three ingredients Texans wouldn't allow 
in the same room with what they have come to regard as 
their state food. 

That's the funny thing about hot, spicy food. Grown men 
who wouldn't know a roast beef from a rump steak work up 
an amazing sweat debating the perfect way to make chili, the 
most potent brand of Caribbean bottled hot sauce or where 
to find the Bangkok curry that will cauterize your lips. 

Why? Because an appetite for foods that sear the tongue, 
make the eyes water and scem to levitate the top of one's 
head is undeniably macho. Hot food has become the culinary 
equivalent of walking on coals and seems to involve just as 
much braggadocio. Ernest Hemingway even went so far as 
to proclaim that his pungent bloody-mary recipe, which he 
introduced to Hong Kong society in 1941, “did more than 
any other single factor except the Japanese army to precipi- 
tate the fall of that crown colony.” And Zubin Mehta, the 
music director of the New York Philharmonic, totes his 
own dried home-grown chilies, which he uses to perk up 
dull food. 

The increase in the number of spicy food products attests 
to this growing obsession. More (continued on page 157) 


food By JOHN OLOCASTLE 


PHOTOGRAPHED EY RICHARD IZUI AT THE ECCENTRIC, CHICAGO 


121 


PLAYBOY 


122 


MEN FROM DARPA continued from page 108) 


“The missiles used sensors to home in on Iraqi tanks 
and then explode, shooting a jet of molten metal.” 


Gulf war had the DARPA logo on it, be- 
cause DARPA is not in the business of 
actually manufacturing aircraft, land 
vchicles, communications networks or 
weapons systems. Its role is to devise 
the supersophisticated “enabling tech- 
nology’—the raw technological ingre- 
dients—for the Army, Air Force and 
Navy to work up into usable military 
equipment. The Services themselves 
may come up with a pipe dream for 
DARPA to try to realize; sometimes a 
military contractor will pitch DARPA 
on a promising innovation which it re- 
quires money to research. Primarily, 
though, DARPA concocts its own proj- 
ects. However the ideas come along, it 
usually tests out the technology by de- 
veloping a cheap, small-scale version of 
the project, then stages a demonstra- 
tion for whichever Service is interested. 
If a Service is sold on the idea, it takes 
over the D side of the R&D and then 
stamps its name on the final product. 

With so many secret activities, or 
“black projects,” as they are known 
in the defense-procurement trade, 
DARPA generally preters to operate by 
cover of darkness. And in the war's 
warm afterglow, it knows better than to 
steal the spotlight from its big-shot pa- 
trons at the Army, Navy and Air Force. 
Probably for these reasons, no current 
DARPA officials chose to cooperate in 
the preparation of this story. But just 
because DARPA won't talk about the 
Persian Gulf war doesn’t mean DARPA 
wasn't there. 

Let's start with the Stealth technolo- 
gy that allowed the F-117A to succeed 
so well against Iraq. According to Air 
Force statistics, the plane accounted for 
three percent of the allied aircraft used 
in the Persian Gulf but destroyed 43 
percent of all targets. Stealth was con- 
ceived in the late Seventies, and the fu- 
turistic styling is pure DARPA. With all 
its bizarre radar-deflecting angles, ће 
F-117A looks more like the world’s 
largest origami project than the most so- 
phisticated airplane on earth. The Air 
Force may be bursting with pride over 
the F-117A now, but when DARPA first 
laid out the idea of an airplane that 
would be invisible to radar, the Air 
Force was entirely able to contain its 
enthusiasm. “They didn't think it 
would work,” says Jim Tegnelia, a for- 
mer DARPA deputy director now with 
Martin Marietta. So DARPA had to 
come up with a functioning prototype. 
The Air Force is now so protective of 


the technology that Licutenant Cener- 
al Thomas R. Ferguson, Jr., the Air 
Force's chief of aircraft development, 
speculated that if any of the planes had 
gone down in Iraq, our military com- 
manders would have obliterated the 
remains before the Iraqis could take a 
close look. 

DARPA also developed the STARS 
(that's the Joint Surveillance Target At- 
tack Radar System) surveillance planes 
that supervised the battlefields much as 
the better known AWACS (Airborne 
Warning and Control System) planes 
monitored the skies. An AWACS plane, 
however, is little more than a flying air- 
port control tower. J-STARS is some- 
thing else again. From a height of 
35,000 feet, its radar gives a full, de- 
tailed, computer-enhanced video im- 
age of all ground activity as far as 90 
miles away, day or night, regardless of 
doud cover. Developed by DARPA in 
the mid-Seventies, J-STARS had nearly 
been axed in 1990 by Congress as a 
needless extravagance. It was not 
scheduled to be deployed in the Gulf, 
but General Norman Schwarzkopt was 
so impressed with its capabilities dur- 
ing a demonstration flight in Europe 
last October that he immediately or- 
dered two, forcing Grumman Corp. 
and other military contractors to work 
around the clock through the Christ- 
mas holidays to ready them in time for 
the war. 

It’s not hard to see why Schwarzkopf 
was so keen to get hold of J-STARS. Ev- 
er since men first banded together to 
attack their enemies in an organized 
fashion, battle commanders have been 
desperate to know how things are go- 
ing once the killing starts. Karl von 
Clausewitz, the grand old man of mili- 
tary strategists, called this ignorance 
“the fog of war.” By generating nearly 
photographic-quality, real-time images 
of the ground action on video screens 
at allied headquarters, the J-STARS 
went a long way toward dispersing that 
fog, and it proved especially invaluable 
in the Gulf after the Iraqis set fire to 
the oil fields to try to conceal their 
troop movements. “You could argue 
that Iraq lost because it didn’t know 
what was going om," says John 
Mansfield, a former DARPA director of 
strategic technologies. 

DARPA also helped develop the pre- 
cision-guided smart bombs that flew 
down air shafts to destroy military tar- 
gets from the inside out, leaving neigh- 


boring buildings untouched. Smart 
bombs evolved out of a long-standing 
DARPA interest in what it termed 
“stand-off weapons,” so named because 
they could reach their targets on their 
own. The weapons have transformed 
military strategy. "We've always looked 
at warfare as being speed, mass and 
surprise,” said Air Force Brigadier 
General Buster C. Glosson. “We've 
changed that forever to speed, preci- 
sion and surprise.” 

DARPA did early work on the Patriot 
missile, too, though nobody connected 
to DARPA is particularly pumped up 
about it. Jack Ruina, DARPA's director 
from 1961 to 1968, points out that the 
Scud is the Model T of ballistic mis- 
siles—"an old clunker,” he calls it—that 
was launched one at a time and was 
much slower than the ICBMs that 
DARPA had been concentrating on. 
And the Patriot was unable to distin- 
guish the warhead from other innocu- 
ous parts of the Scud missile. “It went 
after the biggest thing it saw,” says Ru- 
ina. As a result, it let a number of the 
warheads through. “Just think if the 
Scuds had been carrying nuclear war- 
heads,” he says. “There would be no 
Haifa, Riyadh or ‘Tel Aviv today.” 

DARPA made other contributions to 
the war effort—less publicized, per- 
haps, but just as crucial. Soldiers, pilots 
and sailors carried wallet-sized Global 
Positioning System (G.PS.) monitors 
that, by receiving signals from a cluster 
of overhead satellites, allowed them to 
figure out exactly where they were in 
the featureless desert, in the air or out 
at sea. DARPA devised the technology 
for ATACMS (Army Tactical Missile 
Systems) long-range surface-to-surface 
missiles that used sensors to home in 
on the tops of Iraqi tanks and then ex- 
Plode over them, shooting a jet of 
molten metal through the tank. The 
agency came up with the remote-con- 
tolled, pilotless planes that circled a 
battlefield, sending back television pic- 
tures to headquarters. DARPA also 
produced the unmanned undersea ve- 
hicles, or U.U.V.s, that were used in the 
Gulf for classified missions believed to 
involve mine detection and general re- 
connaissance. 

Based on what we now know about 
the Iraqi military, the war would most 
likely have been won without DARPA's 
contributions. But, as Martin Mariet- 
ta's Tegnelia puts it, “DARPA certainly 
helped it go a lot quicker." 

е 


Like so much of the American mili- 
tary, DARPA owes its creation to the 
Soviets; specifically, to the 1957 Sput- 
nik rocket that raised the shocking 
prospect of the Communists’ conquer- 
ing outer space. 

(continued on page 154) 


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PLAYBOY'S 
AUTOMOTIVE REPORT 


the current sales crisis, the book that rocked 
the industry, class wheels and a look at who's 
building the safest cars 


article By KEN GROSS 


му STATED, the automobile industry is in chaos. Manufacturers who expected to sell 
S 14,000,000 cars and trucks in 1991 (compared with the 16,000,000 sold in 1986) will be 
lucky to top 13,000,000. They not only overestimated demand but introduced an abundance of 
new makes and models at a time when consumers just verer't buying. And they're paying dear- 
ly for the miscalculation: Temporary plant closings are increasing. Layoffs and other cost- 
cutting measures have gone into effect. 
Detroit's Big Three have even reduced 
first-quarter dividends in an effort to free 
operating cash. 

Blame it on economic uncertainty, grow- 
ing unemployment or the dreaded R 
word. Whatever the case, the surge in con- 
sumer confidence that was expected after 
the Gulf war has yet to materialize. Ameri- 
cans apparently are still apprehensive 
about making major purchases, and nerv- 
ous bankers, who are tightening consumer 
credit, aren't helping. 

Compounding their own problems, do- 
mestic auto makers are selling “program 


cars"—clean, low-mileage former fleet or 


Mercedes-Benz’ $150,000 600SEL took opproximotely nine yeors short-term rental vehicles that are avail- 
апа more thon one billion dollors to develop. While the biggest able at very competitive prices. Given a 
Benz is surprisingly nimble ond looded with high-tech feotures, 


its 408-hp V12 controdicts new trends toword fuel efficiency. Gua Epa o BO спара 


ping up these hardly tarnished former 

Hertz and Avis wheels—slicing deeply into 
new-car sales and reducing used-car values dramatically. In 1990, nearly 30 percent of Lin- 
coln's sales volume came from program cars. 

As we go to press, there seems to be no relief in sight. Undercapitalized dealers who can't 
ride out declining sales are slowly sinking. One dismayed participant at the sparsely attended 
National Automotive Dealers Association convention said, "Selling cars today is like dying the 
ancient Chinese ‘death of a thousand cuts." 

Ironically, as domestic sales plunged. Mercedes-Benz launched its new S-Class, which re- 
quired nearly a decade and one and a half billion dollars to develop. The top-of-the-line 
600SEL sedan pictured on this page boasts an electronically controlled, 408-hp, 48-valve V12 
engine, optional hydropneumatic adjustable suspension, power door closers and even double- 
glazed side windows (to prevent fogging). Its price tag: about $150,000 after taxes. 

The S-Class was an overnight hit in Germany, where Daimler-Benz claims two years of ad- 
vance orders. Dr. Wolfgang Peter, chief of passenger-car development, (continued on page 159) 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE CALVER. 


SS ast COAST emis are hip. Southern ones have knockout accents and Northern girls keep. 
Ж... their boyfriends warm at night. But West Coast dudes, from the Beach Boys to David 
=" Lee Roth, agree: Wish they all could be California girls. The West Coast has the top 
== H PH. (hardbodies per horizon) factor in the land, according to Overheated Hardbody 
Research and Development (OHRAD), a private watchdog group commissioned especially 
for this pictorial. Once OHRAD reported scenes such as the ones you see here and on the 
next eight pages, we dispatched five photographers to capture the best and blondest of Cali- 
fornia's girls, to bring them back alive for your required beach reading this summer. If there's 
no sand in your neighborhood, turn on all of your lamps, find a big towel to lie on and choose 
a tall, cool one—first from the refrigerator, then from the 28 beauties we introduce here. 


es 


M 
e 


И 


Nichole Connery, Sondra 
Wild, Berbie Ford, Anna 
Keller (left to right, front 
row), Beckie Mullen, Mi- 
chelle lynn ond Lori Јо 
Hendrix (back row) stoke 
surfers’ passions ot LA's 
Dockweiler State Beach. 
The bulging hunks аге here 
to show how you should feel 
when you turn the page. 


Meeting golden girls on the 
strand makes even Son Diego 
beach boys yell the name of 
a Northern California town: 
Eureka. On the opposite 
page, San Fernando Valley 
girl Heother Parkhurst spurs 
Los Angeles men to look 
north past the Hollywood 
hills. Swimmers hoping for 
help from lifeguard station 19 
may have to weit: Their life- 
guard's ottention is riveted on 
LA. model Michele Smith 
(left) and her ingeniously de- 
signed striped suit. Below, 
Modesto medicol technician 
Tiffany Bradford-Loya courts 
danger. Even with shades, 
looking directly at the sun is 
not healthy. But Tiffany is. 


At Manhattan Beach (left), Stacy Trager spikes the hopes 
of valleyboll opponents end lifts spectators’ spirits. 
Clothing designer Shannon Hill (right) proves that while 
East Coast girls are hip, Califamians aren't hippy; and 
Colette Wadarz of Torrance (below right) and Barbie 
Ford af Stu (below left) show both sides of the 
beach lack. Barbie lost her bikini at Dackweiler Beach. Is 
chivalry dead? Not one beach boy went looking for it. 


‚Anything is possible in Colifornio. Last spring, o doredevil decided to jet-ski 32 miles from Catolino Islond 
to the coost, and he olmost made it. Fishermen, hoisting him out of the Pocific, wished the daredevil hod 
looked like blue-woter ongel Christy Corlson (right). Christy is number one on our list of hot-dog jet skiers. 

5 (top left, below), whose Sociol Security cord feo- 
tures the scory number 666 but who sings os angelically os Christy skis. Actress Sara Limo (below right) 
ond camera buff Amondo Bertino (bottom left) —Amanda seems well equipped to double as o Ployboy 
model and photographer—prove there's nothing wrong with ton lines. After all, if Californio girls olwoys 
sun-bothed nude, everyone would move to the beach, ond the 31st stote would tip into the seo. 


The state of California's public-relations people in Sacramento cite many reasans for their state's role as capital of U.S. tourism: the 
weather, Hollywaad, Big Sur, Disneyland, 14 big-league sports teams and even the LaBrea Tar Pits, where saber-taothed tigers rest un- 
der tans af bubbling crude. But Sacramenta is miles from the beach; caastal folk know better. They know that no trip West is complete 
without a tour of Aptos ta look for Rachel Spletzer (above), and a visit to Anaheim, where kids hit Disneyland while girl watchers search 
for the copper-toned (never snaw-white) Nichole Cannery, below, who may hurt California's rep. She makes other states jealous. 


Son Diegan Wendy Welch (above) is odds-on to 
join Fountain Valley's Coraline Gardner (right) os 
a Playboy favorite. Chotswarth's Tiffany Rief (be- 
law right, ct left) prizes "beauty and nice views," 
which both she and her sister Tommy exemplify. 


ww 


"eer 


A wise dude once said thot 
California is a state of mind. 
If you can picture sun, surf, 
rayal polms and beautiful 
blondes, wherever you are, 
you're there. Sa think of 
beautiful downtown Bur- 
bank's Kristine Rose, whose 
hot-off-the-shoulder fashion 
statement (lef) makes folks 
happy from Malibu ta Venice, 
ar af Ojai hair stylist Lori Jo 
Hendrix (below), whose plans 
for the night include 

dancing and dipping into a 
hot tub. Finally, picture a late 
date with the wonderfully 
named Sandra Wild (right). 
The sun sets on a summer 
day; she’s ready to let dawn 
her hair. We leave further de- 
tails to a Wild imagination. 


136 


BOOMTOWN continue fon page 80) 


“Try not to do just any dumb-ass thing these jag- 


offs tell you to do. Else you'll go out in a bag. 


> 


though I knew that nothing sounds 
more ridiculous when you are where 
he was. "Focus on your breathing," I 
said. I sat into the rung I was on, 
locked my feet around the sides of the 
ladder and leaned out backward and 
downward. 

"Let me have the bucket," I said. 
Nothing. “All right, hold on with your 
left arm and just let go with your right. 
long enough for me to get the bucket. 
off.” Still nothing. I reached down and 
got the handle of the bucket and lifted 
the weight of it off his arm. "Now, just 
let loose long enough for me to get it 
out of here." He looked up at me. All 
the fear in the world was on his face. 
“We're all right,” I said. “Just let me 
take the bucket.” He let go, I lifted it 
free and he dived back into his cling. 

I looked down and saw the fat man 
and his crew watching us. Just fora sec- 
ond, I thought of dropping the whole 
goddamn bucket on them. Instead, I 
poured it out and watched them scatter 
as the soapy foam broke into a shower 
and sprayed them. 

“Got "ет," I said. 

“Oh, man, don't fuck with Tom," 
Marlin said without looking down. "He 
came back from "Nam real violent." 

Great, I thought. One of the unex- 
ploded bombs from the war. Probably 
ambushed in the jungle and can't talk 
about it. Probably all right as long as 
the death anger doesn’t build up, as 
long as he can throw somebody from a 
moving truck once a day. 

“Do you want to climb down?” 

“I can't go down,” he said. 

"Then lets go up to the platform. 
Take it slow, rest as often as you want, 
one step at a time, nothing to it.” 

1 did five rungs, then saw Marlin be- 
gin to dimb slowly, putting a careful 
pause between cach move. About a 
minute after I reached the platform, he 
pulled himself up next to me and sat 
on the grating, breathing hard. 

Isaw the fat man walking off toward 
the shed with one of his crew. The oth- 
er two were climbing with their buckets 
onto the wide lower beams of the rig. 
The only man on the ground still 
watching us was a guy wearing a red 
bandanna. 

"Who's that?" I said. 

"Reno," said Marlin. "The yard 

“Just the man 1 want to talk to," I 
said. I grabbed the empty bucket, 


climbed down the ladder and walked 
over to where Reno was standing. 

"Wonder if there's a way I can fill 
this, then haul it up on a rope. Trying 
to climb with it is nuts." 

“Then why'd you do it?" he said. 

“1 didn't know any better.” 

He looked at me as if that were the 
right answer, then he said, "We can 
pull it up there on the cat line." 

“What's that?" 

"That little cable," he said, pointing. 
“You go on back, I'll run it up for you.” 

“All right,” I said. "And how 'bout a 
safety line?” 

“We ain't got any," he said. "We're 
supposed to have 'em ordered, but 
they ain't here yet." 

^How 'bout a hard-hat?" 

"Ain't got those, neither, but 1 think 
they's coming this afternoon." 

When I was a few steps away, he said, 
"Try not to do just any fucking dumb- 
ass thing one of these jag-ofis tells you 
to do. Ele you'll go outa here in a 
bag.” 


. 

Back on the platform, Marlin asked 
me my name and I told him. 

“Well, thanks,” he said. “I just kinda 
choked out there." 

“1 know the feeling,” I told him. “In 
fact, I had a pretty bad moment of my 
own with that bucket. I think the fat 
man was trying to kill me." 

"Don't go calling him the fat man so's 
he can hear it. He just might kill you.” 

Reno whistled from the rig floor. He 
had a bucket on the cat line and he'd 
started one of the engines. I told Mar- 
lin to go ahead and start washing from 
where we were, that I'd climb the last 
80 feet to the crown and start there. I 
scrambled up to the little crow’s-nest 
and waved at Reno. He pulled the 
lever and ran the bucket all the way ир. 

I started washing the sheaves, and at 
first, the job seemed as if it were going 
to be purely absurd. It was a brand- 
new rig and there wasn't a spot of oil or 
grease on it, just a thin coat of prairie 
dust. But as I worked down out of the 
basket on top into the Xs and Vs of the 
widening beams, it became clear that 
the climbing wasn't quite as simple as it 
looked, that I'd better learn exactly 
what you could grab and what you 
couldn't. At one point, I tried to use a 
wiring conduit for a hold. It was paint- 
ed the same white as the half-inch pipe 
Id been hanging onto and it looked 


just as rigid; but when I grabbed it, it 
moved, which put a shot of adrenaline 
into my empty stomach. 


. 

Things in the yard were slow for the 
next two days. There were about 15 of 
us and there wasn't much for us to do. 
The big rig sat quietly waiting for parts 
while the hands loitered about at look- 
busy make-work. 

Marlin and I spent most of those two 
days in the derrick using a case and a 
half of Turtle Wax to polish all 115 feet 
ofthe damn thing. We worked our way 
from the crown to the base, and when 
Sonny could find nothing else for us to 
do, we started up again. I reshined 
Marlin's work, he reshined mine. I told 
him that it felt stupid to be rubbing on 
a vehicle that we weren't going to be 
able to use to pick up girls. 

“Don't complain, we got the good 
Job,” he said, pointing with his rag to a 
couple of hands below us in the yard. 
who all morning long had been polish- 
ing a chromed set of socket wrenches 
as if it were their grandmothers’ ster- 
ling. 

"And when we strike oil,” I said, 
"we're going to put it in wine bottles, 
right?” 

“Aw, hell,” he said. “This rig might 
never even go drilling . . . if you want to 
know what I think. Been four weeks 
since Sonny hired our crew and started 
promising that I'd go out on the next 
hole. They can’t find an oil company 
wants to hire ‘em is what's wrong. They 
been putting bids in, all right, but they 
can't find no takers, probably ‘cause 
the two rigs they got working is broke 
down half the time, one thing and 
another. Oil companies don't like to 
see that two-thousand-dollar-an-hour 
down time. Word gets around. We 
could be dicking around here a long 
time before this outfit gets another bit 
in the dirt.” 

"I wouldn't mind if we dicked 
around long enough for me to learn 
what's what on this machine. At least 
enough to keep myself safe," I said. 

“You'll be OK,” he said, "long as you 
know which way you're gonna jump if 
things cut loose. Long as you never put. 
your feet between two pieces of metal." 

Both admonitions had the ring of 
good working advice, till early the next 
afternoon, that is, when I found myself 
crowded onto the rig floor with a 
dozen other hands in the punishing 
roar and nasty stink of the big diesel 
engines, on the end of a guy rope that 
was апасһей to five swinging tons of 
steel called the traveling block. For 
some reason, it wasn't hoisting into 
place the way it was supposed to. Son- 
ny was at the motor controls yelling at 

(continued on page 161) 


REFRESHING SEAGRAM’S GIN HAS HIDDEN PLEASURE. 
WELCOME INTO THE FOLD. 


van SO “A” MEETS "B") 
٤ 


a E 
Pac 


EID pt Sayan t Sera NT, NY Sayani e IS Re она Оазе нт A ыы ee 


138 


IF YOU CAN'T WALK THE WALK . . . DON'T TALK THE TALK 


memoir 
By Asa Baber 


HOSE WHO cannot remember 
the past are condemned to repeat it,” wrote George San- 
tayana. The war in the Persian Gulf brought my past back 
with a vengeance. Don't get me wrong: I was a hawk in a 
time of hawks. I supported our troops in the Gulf 110 per- 
cent. But that is not the point. 

My past has been sitting like a specter in my living room 
for the past few months, reminding me with a cynical smile 
that something is happening here that I have seen before: In 
the Persian Gulf war, and particularly in Kurdistan, our 
Government has repeated its long-standing pattern of aban- 
doning certain people after it has secretly motivated them 
into revolt and revolution—and death and destruction. 

This is definitely bad news. It is an irresponsible policy, 
applied covertly at the time ofits execution, administered by 
a foreign-policy bureaucracy that sits far outside the reach of 
American public opinion. It brings up serious questions 
about our Government's accountability, both to us and to the 


people it manipulates and then abandons 
overseas. Most troubling, this is not a new issue 
in our nation's history. 

Let me start with a personal remembrance. It is a story of 
how I was conned into risking my life at the instigation of 
some very persuasive individuals who later abandoned me. 
It is the story of how a naive young man with stars in his eyes 
was wooed into political action—and was then left totally 
vulnerable to the forces of chance and circumstance, 

Cut to a forest of pine trees in West Germany. It is the 
night before I am to cross the border into Communist East 
Germany, officially known as the German Democratic Re- 
public. Tam somewhere north of the city of Bad Hersfeld, ly- 
ing on a bed of pine needles and soft earth. It is raining 
lighdy. The year is 1956. The month is August. I have just 
celebrated my 20th birthday. 

І consider myself on a mission from God. The east Euro- 
pean refugees whom I met earlier that summer in Paris have 
given me money, maps, lists of specific targets and an East 
German Exakta camera with a telephoto lens and a lot of 
35mm film. 

‘The refugees want me to do some amateur spying for 
them in East Germany. They report rumors of a potential 
revolution. They say that East Germany is a Communist 
country seething with discontent. 

I am to go into East Germany, sneak off the autobahn in 
my Simca, snoop around in various places, then drive back 
out and tell them what is happening in their native country. 

To recruit me for this task, the refugees say that they need 
me. They say that my American passport will allow me to go 
through East German customs more easily. According to 
them, the spirit of democracy needs me, America herself 
needs me, all the freedom-loving peoples of the world need 
me. Am I available? 

I am available. For one thing, I love being needed. For 


the kurds shouldn’t be surprised. 


uncle sam has a long 


history of urging revolt and then leaving 
his friends high and dry 


ILLUSTRATION BYDAVO WILCOX 


POL TARTE BO Y: 


; L enjoy the sense of danger 

the assignment. And, finally 
want very much to see what I can see in 
East Germany. 

My curiosity about the. Communist 
world is natural. 1 attended both high 
school and college in the Fifties and am a 
young man who has been indoctrinated 
by his own Government in certain be- 
liels; among them, that communism is 
the root of all evil in the universe. A 
mere college student, I suddenly have a 
chance to check that story out. Such a 
deal! How can I resist? 

To put it bluntly, I am a fool on 
errand. Whatever happens to me will be 
insignificant to the people in Paris, who 
have smiled and toasted me with cham- 
pagne. Those charming refugees who 
sending me into Fast Germany 10 
check on the Russian bear will continue 
their comfortable lives in exile, whether 
I go back to them or not. 

I do not think about thar side of it 
once through customs, the chase is on. I 
turn off the autobahn illegally and head 
for Fisenach and points east. As 1 do so, 
I feel a rush of incredible joy. This is life 
on the edge. 

1 scout and scour the landscape, count 
convoys of Russian troops, chart tank 
parks, map army Ё dodge the 
police, get to know a few people in what 
remains of the underground, take pho- 
tographs and collect information. 

1 find a coun ide filled with the 
uncleared rubble of World War Two, an 


fool's 


But 


oppressed people much more impover 
ished than them West German counter- 
parts, a client state of the U.S.S.R. 
occupied by numerous Russi 

and an efficient and ruthless po- 
lice. I understand that the prospects for 
open political rebellion are very slim. 

With the luck of the shanty Irish, 
complete my wip successfully. On the 
last day, I take some pictures of the i 
dustries, as instructed, and slip through 
customs. My fling at amateur espionage 
is finished. 

When I show up at the front door of 
the people who sent me, they seem 
slightly surprised. They are happy to get 
the film, but after some intense de- 
briefing, they are far less sociable than 
they were before. A coldness creeps into 
their manner. It is clear that they want to 
be rid of me. I have served my purpose, 
and that is that. | am deeply hurt and 
angry, but Гат also too proud to ar 
1 go back to the United States, a sadder 
and wiser young man 

And so, in 1956, I learn the hard 
way—and not for the last ime—that cer- 
tain sponsors can abandon anybody they 
choose. Is it such a leap, then. to under- 
stand that our Government can abandon. 
the very people it incites to rebellion? 
Some Hungarians I know would say it is 
no leap at all. 

A revolt against the Russian occupa- 


140 tion of eastern Europe occurred in Hun- 


ga the fall oF 1956. As it began, the 
U.S. propaganda machine turned its at- 
tack to full blast. Promises were made, all 
sorts of incitements created. “They we 
telling us to cut the Ru up and 
throw them into the rivers,” a Hungari- 
an friend of ported to me. “We 
were fighting in the streets, we were 
throwing Molotov cocktails at their 
tanks, and for a few days, we thought the 
ians were running away from us.” 
But then, something happened: The 
ans decided to play hardball. They 
d their tanks and troops back into 
Budapest with a fury. There was blood in 
the streets, most of it Hungarian, The 
promises of direct aid and intervention 
that the 0.5. had been covertly broad- 
casting to the Hungarians disappeared 
from the airwaves like smoke from a gun 
barrel. Our cou ged out and left 
the Hungarian freedom fighters holding 
the bag. It was no contest. Brave as they 
e, they were still annihilated by Rus- 
an firepower 
I was back in college 
ine and later interviewed scores of 
Hungarian refugees. | did not feel 
proud of our country for abandoning 
the people I was talking with. It was a 
bitter lesson in the world of Realpolitik, 
on that would be repeated through- 


America by 


When secret policy makers in high 
places in America abandon our friends 
in other countries afier urging them to 
revolt, and when people die for us in 
combat while we sit on our hands, I have 
a problem. If you can't walk the walk, I 
say, don't talk the talk. 

I submit that our foreign-policy estab- 
lishment's recent behavior in the Persian 
Gulf particularly our use of psycholog- 
ical warfare to incite the Kurds and oth- 
ers to open rebellion in Irag—deserves 
rigorous exa 

Ironically, I have had a peripheral but 
personal connection on several occasion: 
with the hidden improvisations of Amer- 
ica’s shadow masters. For example, 
knew some of the Cubans who were 
trapped at the Bay of Pigs when Presi- 
dent Kennedy withheld si 
cover di 


Gover nst Cuba in 
1961. W the publi 
knowledge, Ameri ed ar 
trained a brigade of exiled Cuban war- 


or: 
EN Castro. We sheltered them in special 
camps in Florida and Ce 
we pumped them up with fat promi 
and inflated rhetoric and we delivered 
them to the beaches of Cul 
fight and conquer communism. 

But Castro’s troops did not wilt and 
run. With our Cuban recruits pleading 
from the beaches of the Bay of Pigs for 
close air support, and with Castro's mili- 
putting up stiller resistance than pre- 
dicted, the President suddenly withheld 
our planes, canceled the air strikes and 


looked the other way. Men to whom we 
had pledged our allegiance died in bru- 

The invasion failed. 

у reas t was a 
major abandonment of good and brave 
1 happened to know one of the 
ican intelligence officials who were 
responsible for the investigation of tha 
abortive action after the fact, and while 
J. EK. tried to soften our perception of 
the failure with patriotic speeches, and 
while the real story of the reasons for the 
ter took a long time to surface, 
America still looked very incompetent 
and irresponsible, Who was to blame for 
the Bay of Pigs failure? Ultimately. J.EK. 
took the burden on himself, but he was 
и Operating in a political vacuum. It 
would not be the last time we had en- 
couraged, then abandoned insurg, 

I served in the Marine Corps with 
ne of the Southeast Asians (and Amer 
icans) who died in Laos when Ameri 
abruptly absented itself from the secret 
it had been fighting there—a covert 
that began in earnest in the ше 
fies. Our country had equipped, 
tained and commanded many of the 
Hmong tribe of Laos, used them to har- 
and obstruct those using the Ho Chi 
Minh Trail (among other missions), con- 
vinced them that Am fight 
communism would continue until 
were victorious, 
placement 
ders decided to cut and run. 

I doubt that we have сусг had a more 
sequestered and unacknowledged war 
than the war in Laos. To give you some 
sense of its scope, the United States 
dropped 1,600,000 fons of bombs on 
Laos—more than the 1,360,000 tons 
dropped on Germany in all of World 
War Two. Today, more than 50.000 of 
the Hmong live in refugee camps in 
Thailand (another 50,000 live in the 
United States—many of them brought 
te efforts, 


we 
then. left them to dis 
ind death when our political 


here through priv not 
through Government accountability). 
ertain operations in Laos will never be 


aled. The names of some of the 


en 


е secret w 
ample of undeclared 
policy. A vital questio 
truncated nmitment to 14 
trated by a series of Amer 
dents, Democratic and Republican, 
ng on the lere we victimized 
by the folly of a few шии 
als who happened to hold the highest 
office in the land? Or did our foreign- 
policy experts advise our President 
continue their long-term and eventu 
istrous efforts in Laos? 

Guess what. good reader. We will ne 
er really know. The information to make 
those judgments will never be made 
available to us. It never i 

Ttoured Central America as a journal- 
ist in 1987 ed Nicaragua (as well as 
EI Salvador and Honduras), went north 


ign 


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141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


from Managua into the territories of 
Jinotega and Matagalpa to see the war 
firsthand. I met some of the Contras who 
later died under our coyert sponsorship 
in the hills of Nicaragua; and while I was 
opposed to that American-financed in- 
surgency, 1 still understood the tragedy 
of is situation, 
We funded the Contras, trained. 
tien gave them aid and advice, provid- 
ed them with a 

forms and rations, and then left them 
to twist not so gently in the wind when 
it became impoliic to continue our 
clumsy and not-so-secret war against 
the Sandinistas. 

Finally, and most personally of all, I 
ed in the Middle East for three years 
in the mid-Sixties. My older son was 
born in Istanbul, and my first serious 
tempts at writing began іп a house on a 
hill overlooking the Bosporus. Because 
of these deep, personal roots in the ve- 
1 Gulf 


the senseless waste of. 


the fate of some of my lifelong friends. 

The Turks and the Kurds (and the Ar- 
menians, and all the other people in that 
complex and conflicted region) are not 
vague, impersonal abstractions to me. 
They are flesh-and-blood human beings. 
They are colorful, energetic, imaginative 
a биз people with a great deal to 
the world. They have faces, names, 
1, histories, children, songs and 
ions. 

People from Turkey and Kurdistan 
and other areas of the Middle East are 
not always well understood or well re- 
ported here in America, but that does 
not make them any less valuable to the 
world. When we abandon people like 
the Kurds after we've coaxed them into 
combat, I think we give up our exem- 
plary-nation statu 
During the recent action in the Pe 
in Gulf, America did not have to delib- 
erately incite a tribal population to rise 
up and confront the Republican Guard 
and Saddam Hussein—and be slaugh- 


MA gen 
25 = er 


“Someday, my boy, all this will be polluted.” 


tered. We had all the firepower, preci- 
sion weapons, troop strength and intelli- 
gence capabilities we needed. Yet ou 
shadow masters gambled again with im- 
poverished lives. They did mol need to 
promise a people heaven and then leave them 
in hell, but that is exactly what they did. 
Who among us voted on that decision? 
Who is accountable? No one has stepped 
forward. The stage is suddenly dark, the 
unoccupied. Isn't it mysterious? 
esident denies any involvement 
in the matter. He says he never incited 
0 who is to blame? To whom 
do we complain? Is 


Guess what again, good reader. We 
will never know the answers. The infor- 
mation will not be there. The invisible 


hand of ble component of the 
American shadow Government reached 
out and stroked the Kurdish psyche and 
said in seductive tones, "Rise up, revolt, 
Saddam must go, we are with you, your 
freedom is at hand, take arms against 
this evil man and overthrow him." 

The architects of this secret foreign 
policy drive to work every day, like most 
civil servants. They are irritated by 
traffic jams, burdened by creditcard 
debt, as concerned about their child: 
as the rest of us. Yet they are also at play 

n the fields of their agencies, think tanks 
and bureaucracies, and they have no 
direct accountability to the American 
electorate. Not all of those experts sup- 
ported the cynical manipulation of the 
Kurds in Iraq. But the right ones, the 
powerful ones, the winners for the mo- 
ment did. 

The cost of these surreptitious policy 
decisions is incalculable. There are men 
and women overseas who believe our 
Government's enticing words of encou 
agemeni and who will, in the final des- 
peration of the last hours of their live: 
attack enemy tanks, planes and artill 
with only rocks and rifles in their hands. 
"These people waited for the support 
our Government had confidentially 
pledged, and when that support did not 
come, they died trying to fulfill the 
dream our propaganda gurus had hand- 
ed them. 

Let's cut the rhetoric, the false promis- 
es, the gamesmanship- and save some 
lives. True, we may miss a few opportu- 
nities to trouble in certain societies 
our analysts distrust, but those missed 
RUE tunities are small potatoes com- 
red with the damage we do when we 
Ds psychological war games with di 
dent populations in times of crisis. Its 
very simple: As a nation and as a people, 
we can do better than that. One day, 
maybe, we can even haye a foreign poli- 
су that is open to public accountability 
on all levels. 

Inshaalah, as they say in a certa 
of the world; God willing. 


part 


ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. (continued from page 111) 


"I don't think Letterman really wants to hurt anyone, 
but his attitude is, ‘OK, what are you made of?” 


has the edge on you for the rest of the 
day 


[Smiles] Pm not a really sexually 
en guy I wasn't the first one to get 
However, I was probably the first 
one to talk abou 


8. 


viso: What phras 
that you know is going to lead to an ar- 
gument with your girlfriend? 

pownew: "You make me. . . ." I don't care 
if it's “happy,” “angry.” “irritated.” Peo- 
ple are instantly presuming that I've got 
ome fucking hairy voodoo dolll of them 
nd I'm controlling their actions. It im- 
plies that they are disempowering them- 
selves. And, of course, I just want to be 
so benevolent about my relationships. 
[Laughs] 


opens the sentence 


тлувоу: Can you г the question of 
the ages: Do women know what they're 
showing at every moment that they're 


showing 
pownev: It depends. If you really know a 
woman well, then it's almost like watch- 
ing a documentary on schizophrenia. "I 
love you so mucli—Daddy's a son of a 
bitch—take me down to the—spank me 
all over—because you know 1 control 
you.” It doesn't matter what they're say- 
ing, you can sce those neurotic shifts in 
any woman. [Pauses] If you're talking 
about what parts of their body might be 
exposed—of cou a my 
case, no. A friend of mine was telling me 
that he went over to this famous old ac- 
tor's house recently, and all this actor 
wanted to talk about was the “dripping 
hot pussy” going on at a local club. The 
thing that really had him in tatters was 
that the club had s dance floc 
This is a man who's done two of the 
twenty great films of the past few 
decades, and all he wanted to talk about 
was the drop shot on the hot pussy. 


10. 


млувоу: In your darkest moment, when 
you thought that you would never again 
be emploved, which TV advertisement 
got your attention? 

nowxey: There was this great noose by 
Ronco. And I've got beamed ceilings 
Ah, it just really brought me around. 
[Laughs] Also, one for vacuum haircut- 
sounds kind of interest- 
. for a fucking Midwestern 
pagan who'd probably get a better cut 
from 
the local places. You hook this thing up 
to your vacuum—I'm actually rather ex- 
cited about it u put in the shear 


vacuum than he would at any of 


length. and then you just whoosh! No 
mess. And, of course, I have the knives. 


п. 


praynoy: Tell us about your fan mail. 
Downey: [Takes а framed letter off the wall) 
Here it is. From Kashiwara, Osaka, 
Japan. "Dear Robert: Hello. I'm Jap- 
anese girl. My name is Madoka. Î be- 
came your fan when I watched Less than 
Zero and Pick-up Artist. 1 have never seen 
look you. L have loved you. I have want- 
ed to mail you, but I didn't know your 
address. 1 find your address with dif- 
ficulty. At last I сап write letter, but 1 
can't tell you my felling [sic], because I 
can't speak, write English well. Why are 
you American? Why do you live in 
America? Why am I Japanese? I want to 
talk you. I love you so much. Could you 
give me some more information about 
you? Coodbye. Sincerely yours, Mado- 
ka.” [Pauses] "I have never seen look you. 
1 have loved you. I have wanted to mail 
you.” This is hot to me. I like this, too: “I 
love you so much. Could you give me 
some more information about you? 
Goodbye." It's like suddenly, in the mid- 
die of writing this letter, someone came 
into her room and said, "Your father just 
bought Manhattan. Would you like to 
see it?” Anyway I wrote her back. 1 
asked her why she was Japanese, and she 
wrote me back asking me if that was a 
joke. 

1 get a lot of this stuff. Either that or 

me join your place in the 

fire,” from Abilene, Texas. Fuck, man, 
that keeps Magnum in hand. 


12. 


тлувоу: Explain the Cannes Film Festi- 
val to your generation. 

powxey: It's the only place where you'll 
see a Kurosawa ad right next to Evil 
Maiden Pussy 5. It is wenty-dollar cap- 
puceinos, wrinkly nipples, free hotel 
rooms, selfish action gods, charging for 
sun block. [Pauses] Something й 

ing happened to me at Canne 
threw а mega, spoil-the-shit-out-of-us 
dinner for a bunch of directors working 
with the company At one table sat 
Schwarzenegger and Stallone. I was at 
another with a couple of friends. I'm 
feeling like it's really funny that I'm here 
with these action guys. You know, 
“What's wrong with this picture?” But 1 
was really enjoying myself. It was like an 
old Hollywood party. I had this vague 
feeling that Pd st to be there. 
the diplomat, 
ind goes, 


ing of 


a good time?" "Yeah." "Got a little sun- 
burn there. You need a better S.PE” I 
say, “This is my friend Sam." He says, 
“Hello, how are you?" And then he turns 
to his wife and says, "Maria, this is Rob 
Lowe," and then just floats away from 
the table. [t was some lesson: Never get 
too comfortable with your supposed 
stature. Later on, in the bathroom, he 
walked in and I wanted to introduce him 
to someone as Mr. Brandauer, but I 
thought he might not quite get it and 
snap my spine like an oblong aspirin. 


13. 


avrov: What talk-show host fills you 
th dread? 

DOWNEY: Letterman. He decimates peo- 
ple. ['ve been on his show, bur I got 
lucky. It’s the scariest thing I've ever 
done, because, іп a sense, I was raised on 
it. I always said, “God, he's funny, but he 
can be really mean.” If you don't score 
the second you get out there, by either 
saying something or doing somet! 
it's over. I said something funny within 
the first sixty seconds, and I saw imme- 
diately that he decided not to hurt me. I 
was so thankful. I don't think he really 
wants to hurt anyone, but especially with 
young actors, his attitude is, “OK, what 
are you made of? All right, so everyone 
loves you if the lines are written funny. 
But here's you. What are you about? Are 
you worth four minutes on my show or 
should we bring the guy out who's going 
to fuck something up with the blender, 
or should I put on some Velcro and go 
jump on something? This is an enter- 
tainment show.” On the other hand, 
there’s something about Johnny Carson 
that's so endearing that I feel like if 
I started fucking up, he'd help me 
through it. 


14, 


riaynoy: As a former bus boy, give us the 
dos and don'ts of proper table etiquette. 
powney: You want to bus men before 
women, And always pour women before 
men. But the most important is never 
judge when anyone is done with a meal. 
Thad that done to me recently and I al- 
most wanted to take this young gentle- 
man aside and give him a learnin’. I had 
the bread out to go for the sauce that was 
left, and the plate was gone. He'd left me 
there like an idiot. Then again, I used to 
say, "May I take that for you, sir?” and 
they'd go, “No, I ain't done yet! 


and the 
plate would be empty. So I'd have to 
moke in his sundae or something, be- 
cause he had shamed me in front of his 
attractive teenage daughter. 


15. 


PLAVBOY: What was the most inventive 
compliment ever paid to you? 

DOWNEY: Someone visiting me on the set 
said, "You know what we were all im- 
pressed with? You did all those takes ex- 
ашу the same way." It was like someone 


143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


saying to me, “I was really blown away by 
your lack of spontan The only thing 
Î strive for is to find nuance and make it 
different. 


16. 


riavsov: She was once the teen goddess 
of the screen, the girl who might say yes 
but didn't. Can you help us understand 
Molly Ringwald? 

vowsiy: She was the Gidget of the Eight- 
ies. She's very intelligent. Sh 
ger I was surprised at the energy she 
in educating herself. She's always 


з very са 


reading. And she’s a smart business- 
woman. In The Pick-up Artist, we were 


doing a scene where she's walking away 
pm me and she drops a bottle ol 
Maalox. 1 have to pick it up before she 
n get it and say, "God, is there some- 
g wrong with your stomach?" 
has ulcers because of all the stuff going 
on with gambling [in the movie]. There's 
usually this understood. thing between 
actors that if something has to happen in 
a scene, we help each other make it hap- 
pen. But while we were doing it, she 
dropped the Maalox and I went to pick 
it up. But she picked it up before I did, 
and rhe scene was over. What she was 
saying was, “Listen, if you're really going 
to be in the moment, you've got to get it 
before I can." It was just a really ballsy 
thing to do. It was probably one of the 
more important lessons I learned, espe- 
cially because it's so easy to be desens 
ed and wish to be in the station wagon 
going home. 


17. 


mavsov: What did you learn from your 
dad that you'll always remember? 
nowsey: There are phrases in movies 
that he did that go through my head: 
nothing left but originality, who! A 
be boredz" "The best thing to learn is 
how to make new mistakes.” 


there’ 


18. 


praynoy: What's the most pathetic thing a 
woman has ever said to you? 

powsey: “Tm saving my ass for when I 
get married.” I said, "Come on, 
whore, aren't you?” Actually, a fi 


mine said that. 


you 


rea 


nd of 


19. 


луку: Why do you suppose 


were invented? 
Actuall 
ts like that. Like how the handshake 


DOWNEY: terested in 
Е 
was started—to show that you didn't 
have a weapon i hand. Or that 
clinking glasses means that if I have poi- 
son in my glass, it will get into yor 
When I was filming Air America in Thai- 
nd, there were these Karen tribes who 
have these silver things on their head. 
The older people have more. I's like 
they have their fucking banks on their 
head. Withdrawal is made with relative 
ease. At this point, though, I'd probably 
have to reconstruct my spine to be able 
to keep my wealth on my head. 


Im very 


you 


20. 


илувоу: When are you at a loss for 
words? 
DOWNEY: Probably when trying to talk 


about how I really feel about the valid 
things in life. A lot of people are interest- 
ed in hearing what I have to say. [Smiles] 
1 have a completely original point of 
view. But there are just a couple of sa- 
cred things leave me almost 
speechless. For 
think you are where you are?” “Why do 
things seem to come to you?” “Do you 
believe in God?" “How have you been 
able to sustain a relationship for so 
long?" It seems to me that being able to 
explain those things is almost like saying 
that there's a trick to it, as opposed to. 
just being in this state of grace that 
you're born into. 


nce, "Why do you 


Lee Trevino 
(contmued from page 114) 
enjoy ourselves. We love 10 win, but we 
have fun doing it. We're entertainers— 
and people love us more for it. 
maysov: Your first wife called you 
bum. Is that still an apt description? 
reviso: I'm still a golf bum, except the 
income is a little better. I love to play the 
game. Nothing pleases me more. When 
T take off to relax, I play golf or hit golf 
balls. When I sleep at night, I dream 
about golf. When l'm awake during the 
middle of the night, I think about the 
golf swing. It's on my mind all the time. 
Im just in love with the damn gam 
puavnoy: In the early days, you used to 
bet with no money in your pocket. You 
must have been seared. Once you started 
ing big bucks on tour, were you e 
truly scared during a tournament? 
mevino: Well, yes. Most players fi 
win a golf tournament, or leading a golf 
tournament, are scared 
pravsov: Is there one incident you can 
think of when you were very scared? 
meviso: In 1974, when I won the PG.A. 
at Tanglewood, in North Carolina. I re- 
member playing with Hubert Green and 
Jack Nicklaus in the last round, and 1 
had what you call the putting yips. 1 
couldn't take the puter back, and I was 
ing a tough time making any putts in 
that round. But I hit the ball so well 
i о green and was so close to the 
I the time that a blind man could 
have made the putts. On the seventy-sec- 
ond hole, I knew that if I two-putted 
from twenty-five feet, the tournament 
was mine. But, coming off a three-putt 
on the seventy-first hole, 1 was nervous. 
1 putted the ball down about a foot 
and a half from the hole. It is customary 
to mark your ball and let the other play 
ers finish, so you can take all the glory 
when you make yours. But I looked ov 
at Jack and I said, “Jack, do you mind if 
1 putt out, because if I don't, I'm going 
to pass out right in the middle of this 
green.” Jack looked at me with that little 
grin of his and said, “Go ahead,” and I 
tapped the ball in. Hell, I had such a case 
of the yips that if my ball had been two 
feet away, there was no way I'd have 
made the putt. 
asoy: Is the pressure-choke factor 
overrated among golf pros? Have you 
ever choked? 
TREVINO: I don't think it's overrated. You 
choke when your confidence level is less 
than one hundred percent, usually due 
to hitting the ball poorly. You 
you're “leaking oil” and it’s a matter of 
time before you break down. 
so many elements to good play 
much pressure on tour, choking is com- 
mon. 
At Houston one year, 1 was leading 
David Graham by one stroke after three 
rounds, but 1 was playing poorly. It was 


golf 


ng to 


so bad on ıhe final day ıhat when I 
1 to the first tee, I had enc 
mouth to knit a sweat 


al 
to my lips, there was no water in it 
That's how bad I was shaking. I was so 
nervous that I was duck hookin; 
I wasn't striking the ball well enough to 
win. So I choked. Graham, on the other 
hand, was pl 


g so well he was choke- 
xty-lour and won. 

Many pr ou are the best 
shotmaker of all time. Is there a shot that 
you can't hit? 
Trevino: Yeah, there 
can't hit. One tha 


re a lot of shots I 
's 10 mind real 


on 


isa high-draw one iron. In his hey- 
id wa: 


good a hitting 
is very good. 
The reason: nd a naturally 
more upright swinger. The size of 
golfer has a lot to do with his versati 
as а shotmaker I'm short, five foot se 
en. I can hit a low shot probably easi 
than a tall player. That's bec: 
swing is more rounded, flatten 
hold the 
hitting area. Therefore, I hit the ball 
more on the through-swing than on the 
upswing- 

The other shot that givi 
the fairway- errien shot. 
of the best at e: 
the best. 


shot 


me trouble is 
is one 
f not 
rway 


the ground, so he feels comfort- 
able in sand, where Rules of Golf 
you to ground the club. Also. he 
ural picker of the ball. I'm more ol 
e divots. And diggers make 
unker players. 

mavnov: Is not being able to hit the high 
shot what hurts you most at Augusta— 
where the greens are fast-running—and 
is being able to hit the low shot what 
helps you during the British Open when 
the wind how 
TREVINO: 


have won the British Open twice. / 

ta is like teen ut of a hole all the time. 
Every tee ball in Augusta is almost going 
uphill. Then it gets out there, about two 
hundred fifty, two hundred sixty yards, 
and then it go: k downhill, I'm not 
long enough to get over the up, so I'm 
usually left with a long iron off a hilly lie. 
The big hitter is strong enough to get 
over the up. He gets roll and leaves him- 
self a short iron to the green; that's a big 
advantage, because those clubs are ea 
er to hit with backspin. Augi just 
not a very good golf course for me. Be- 
sides, most of the greens at Augusta lean 
from left to right, which means sa 
ДЕ to-left draw Als to stop the ball 
qui Augusta gi 
MURS the ball pon left to right, as I 
do, the damn thing rolls off the green. 
rt nov: Handicap your game. 

rutvixo: Driving, probably the top three 
in the world. So I'm definitely scratch 


‘We hope you? visit our oldtime distilery one of these days and say hello to the folks who make Jack Daniel's. 


ON PHOTO DAY ar Jack Daniel Distillery we like 
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From the look of things, someone sneaked some 
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Jack Daniel’s. So is making whiskey 
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matter what day it is. 


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145 


PLAYBOY 


146 


with the driver. 
PLAYBOY: Putting: 
TREVINO: Uh, two. 
мло: Sand play? 
TREVINO: About a one 
тлүвоу: Chipping? 
TREVINO: Probably sci 
тлүвоу: Long 
TREVINO: Probably a six. 

PLAYBOV: Short irons? 

TREVINO: ich. 

PLAYBOV: Medium irons? 

TREVINO: One. 

LAyBoY: What would you be doing now if 
you hadn't become a golf pre 
rrevino: Га probably be making license 
plates—preuy license plates, too. Golf 
nd the Marine Corps have been my 
vation. 
PLAYBOY: What will you do when you're 
too old to compete? 

rrevino: IFI don't die before I retire, Im 
going to teach my craft of shot making to 
others. Somebody's got to teach younger 
people how to execute these shots, and. 
Га like that somebody to be me. I don't 
> with the knowledge I have of 
ng different golf shots. 

pravsov: That's the sad thing about Ben 
Hogan. He was a shot-making wizard, 
but, unlike the great Bobby Jones, who 
made a series of instruction films, Hogan 
has lelt golfers very little. 


‚ Mi 


Treviso: Exactly! If Hogan were to do a 
nic on the day of a senior tournament, 
Га withdraw from it. 

Its tragic: He's going to leave us 
someday without at least recording his 
swing secrets. He was a human shot- 
making machine and gollers should be 
treated to more than the one excellent. 
book he wrote, Ben Hogan's Five Lessons 
in Golf. 

He does make a beautiful golf club, but 
that doesn’t mean anything. He needs to 
relate his knowledge of shot making to 
golfers so they can enjoy using his great 
clubs. But maybe he did do something 
like Jones, and he has it locked up in a 
safe, and when he passes away, they'll 
bring 'em out. I certainly hope so. 
maysoy: You've been accused of using 
gamesmanship on opponents. Tell us 
about playing against former British 
Open and U.S. Open winner Tony Jack- 
lin in England. 
rkevino: The English thought 1 was 
crazy because I talked and played golf at 
the same time. Everything is hush-hush 
over there. I remember Jacklin saying, 
“Now, listen, Lee, let's play golf today, I 
don't want to talk.” And I said, “Tony, 
you don't t have to talk, all you have to do 
listen." 
тлувоу: Didn't you throw a fake snake at 
Nicklaus before the start of the play-off 


Gibson was a little nervous about interviews in 


the locker room, but now she’s right at home.” 


for the 1971 U.S. Open—which you 
ended up winning? 

TREVINO: Oh, that was just a joke. Golf's 
supposed to be fun, People have said 
that I do these things to disturb people, 
but I never tried to do anything like that. 
Besides, if you're not capable of beating 
that other guy, whatever the hell you say 
to him—with the exception of screaming 
on his backswing—you're not going to 
beat him. 

praysov: People must have tried to play 
tricks on you. What are a couple of those 
tricks? 

reevino: Talking during my backswing 
and purposely casting a shadow on my 
putting line are two favorites. Or a play- 
er who is away and putting on your 
pulls the ball left of the hole and tr 
put you off by saying, “God, I couldn't 
believe that goes left!" Or a player mi: 
hits, say, a seven iron, the ball falls short 
of the green and he says to his caddie, 
“Boy, I killed that.” What usually hap- 
pens is, an opponent with rabbit e: 
hears this, chooses a stronger dub and 
hits the ball way over the green. There 


are a hundred tricks. 
тлувоу: What was your greatest golf 
hustle? 


Trevino: God, you know, I never hustled 
anybody. I was a good player. If I ever 
hustled anyone, it was merely because I 
told everybody that I was a scratch play- 
er when, truthfully, I beat par by four 
strokes on my course, Tenison Park, al- 
most every time. So, to tell you the truth, 
I should have given my opponents more 
shots on my course . . . because of “local 
knowledge." 

playboy: Have you ever played with any- 
body who was truly a born cheat? 
reevixo: Jesus, I played with guys at 
Tenison Park who did things like put 
petroleum jelly on the face of the club to 
make the ball go straight. Oh, hell, these 
guys were such cheats that we had a rule: 
You could tee it up everywhere—the 
rough, bunkers—so you never had to 
watch the other guy Let everybody 
cheat. That way, nobody could outcheat 
anybody else. 

riaveoy: Pros shoot in the sixties all the 
. Why can't most amateurs break 
ninety? 

rrevino: Well, rank beginners have no 
business playing a golf course. I mean, 
would a guy who just learned to drive a 
car enter the Indianapolis 500? People 
buy a set of clubs, shoes, pay a greens 
fee, and then go play on a golf course. 
They're wasting time. You've got to get 
on the practice tee and take lessons, If 
you're a total beginner, you should prac- 
tice a year before you ever get on a golf 
course. You should go to a driving range 
religiously, three or four times a week, at 
night, whatever. All weekends should be 
spent hitting golf balls. Learn how to get 
the ball in the learn how to chip it; 
get out of bunkers; then you'll enjoy the 
game. How in the hell are you going to 


GETTING A GRIP ON CLUBS 


JEFF 
BRUCKNER 


LAURA "Best over-all club on 
NELSON the market today.” 


DENNIS R. een 
CALLAGHAN 


BRUCKNER “Excellent club for be- 
ginners and intermedi- 

NELSON 1 ate players.” 

CALLAGHAN EN 


TITLEIST DCI 5600 


BRUCKNER 
“Good club for players 
NELSON at all levels.” 


CALLAGHAN 


RAPHITE) 5800 


— BRUCKNER 


BRUCKNER “Good for older players 
who need extra dis- 
NELSON tance." 


CALLAGHAN 


CACTUS GOLF TRIPLE THREATS (MATCHFLEX) $560 


BRUCKNER "Excellent club for all 


players, especially be- 
NELSON ginners.” 


CALLAGHAN EOS 


BRUCKNER “Average club: Better 


players should enjoy 
NELSON feat success With then” 


CALLAGHAN on 


BOB TOSKI TARGET 3780 
BRUCKNER 
“Not a bad dub, but 
NELSON 7 5 6 there are better ones." 
BRUCKNER 
CALLAGHAN 


Many of us believe that clubs make the golfer. Ж Onc of the reasons we elcave to this belicf is its utility when we wish to 
blame the clubs for our own shortcomings. Ж While not wanting to dismiss this handy bit of superstition, we thought 
we'd ask for some professional advice on the subject. Ж We collected a bunch of perimeter-weighted clubs—all made 
for the average, higher-handicap player—and asked the handiest golf pros we could find to evaluate their playability. 
Ж Dennis R. Callaghan is a PG.A. member and the first assistant golf pro at the Wilmette (Illinois) Golf Club. A Lau- 
ra Nelson and Jett Bruckner are both teaching professionals there. 


PLAYBOY 


enjoy the game rolling it around? It’s 
not bowling, you know. 

PIAYBOY: In France, players must pass 
written and performance tests, and if 
they fail, they can't play on a regulation 
Should we do the same thing 


No. I can understand France. 
golf has gone berserk. I can re- 
member ten years ago, they had forty 
thousand golfers registered with the 
French Federation of Golf. Now they 
two hundred thousand. They 
haven't been able to increase the num- 
ber of golf courses that much. But I 
think golfers here should work at their 
е more. That's why golf is so slow to- 
day, because we have so many players 


TREVINO: 
Franc 


who are shooting such high scores 
mavnov: You've played with Prince 
Rainier, President Ford, Bob Hope, 


Sean Connery, the king of Morocco—the 
list goes on. Who would be in your ideal 
foursome: 
Treviso: Jesus Chi 
and Bob Hope. 
rraysov: In 1969, at the Hartford Open, 
you met an cleven-ycar-old lemonade- 
Stand girl, never dreaming you would 
marry her in 1953. Assuming that was 
your greatest golf moment, was your sec- 
ond your Skins Game hole in one—the 
stroke that earned you one hundred sev- 
enty-five thousand dollars and a car? 
TREVINO: No, it was when I beat Nicklaus 
in a play-off to win the 1971 U.S. Open. 
1 shot sixty-eight. He shot seventy-one. 
svmov: Your favorite golf course, Cy- 
press Point, withdrew from the PG.A. 
Tour tournament roster because it didn’t 
want to be told whom to let into its 
club—such as black members. How do 
you react to that? 

Trevino: Гуе always had mixed emotions 
about it. They have two hundred and 
fifty members. That's why it’s so private. 
Players were never allowed in their club- 
house when we played the Crosby. We 
usually changed our shoes in the park- 
ing lot, But we understood that. We 
were just appreciative and thankful that 
we could play a golf course like that. 
They could have closed the doors on 
a long time ago. They kept them open 
because of Crosby. ГЇЇ tell you how ex- 
clusive this club is. The parking lot holds 
about twenty cars. It’s a an place. 
It's always been my favorite, but I never 
got into this other business. It's a private 
club, and that's why they call it a private 


‚ Arnold Palmer 


club. So 1 don't have anything against 
their saying it’s a private club. 
PLAYBOY 


Describe your prejudices on 
hitecture. 

Unlike Nicklaus, who builds 
difficult courses, I believe in building 
golf courses like the old architects built. 1 
like flat greens and shallow bunkers; I 
like to leave at least two thirds of the 
green open in front where you can 


148 bump and run—naturally, because 1 hit 


low. Llike to put water on a golf course, 
but I want it to be seen; I don't want it to 
be in your way. If you hit a real poor 
shot, there should be a chance of going 
into the water, But I don't think that you 
should hit a marginal shot that looks like 
it's going to go onto the green, and all of 
asudden—boop!—it goes into the water. 
Basically, I build player-friendly courses. 
Architects today forget that the majo 
ity of golfers are eighteen to twenty-four 
handicaps. That's one of the reasons that 
most of the new clubs around the coun- 
try are going broke—they're too difficult 
to play. Why should a member and his 
wife buy a house on a golf course they 
can't play? 
pıaysov: The National Golf Foundation 
projects that about four hundred golf 
courses a year will have to be built before 
the year 2000 to accommodate the forty 
million golfers who will be playing the 
game. Environmentalists are blocking a 
lot of new projects. 
reevino: Sure. They'll kill you in a 
minute. I wanted to invest in one in 
lorida, but they had a little mouse or 
something running around by the 
beach, and it killed us. But we've got 
some courses going in Taiwan, one in 
Japan, fixin’ to open one up in Wiscon- 
Sin, so we're geuing into a Ише more all 
the time. 
PLAYBOY: What's the state of golf jokes 
these days? 
TREVINO: 1 heard one about a guy who 
had a dilerentcolor golt ball that he 
couldn't lose. I say, "How come you can't 
lose it?" "Because if you hit it down the 
fairway, it beeps. You hit it in the rough 
and a little sickle comes out of it and 
mows the grass down, where you can see 
it. If you put it in the water, pontoons 
come out of it, the wind blows it over and 
you can retrieve it.” I say, “Where in the 
hell did you buy this thing?" He says, * 
don't know. I found this one." 
Because most golfers dont 
t seems new clubs will not 
help Mr. Average a great deal. If you 
agree, don't you feel sort of guilty spon- 
soring or endorsing Spalding clubs? 
rrevino: 1 don't think that I should feel 
guilty about taking money for endorsing 
a golf club. What Spalding is trying to do 
is to sell a product that it thinks ts better 
than anyone else's. Everyone else is do- 
ing the same thing. That's business. Be- 
ides, golfers want to play with what the 
pros play with. 
млувоу: What's in your golf bag? 
Trevino: Listen, my caddie Herman 
Mitchell knows if my golf bag has an ex- 
tra golf ball in there; he can tell by the 
weight of it. There ain't much in there. I 
carry my rain suit, three gloves and six 
balls. 
PLAYBOY: Are you superstition 
thing? 
rrevino: I don't use а yellow tee. Yellow 
is the color of weakness, cowardice. I'd 


bout any- 


hit a ball off the ground with a three 
wood before I'd use a yellow tee. 
тлувоу: When it comes to golf clubs, are 
you fickle? 

treviso: Yes. I'm always looking. My 
caddie gets mad at me because even 
when I have a driver that I hit extreme- 
ly well, I take a strange driver out ther 
to try it. Tm always looking for that one 
jewel 

mavnoy: Whats the most important part 
of a golf club? 

rrevino: The shaft, no question. It's the 
hardest to replace. So if you break the 
head ofa wooden club, keep the shaft 
mavsov: Have you made any changes i 
your game since joining the Senior 
Tour? 

TREVINO: Yes, I cut most of the forward 
press out of my putting stroke. | set my 
hands ahead of the ball and swing the 
putter back simultaneously, with my 
hands and the handle. I get a much bet- 
ter roll of the ball. 

PLAYBOY: Are you having the most fun 
you've ever had in your life? 

TREVINO: This is heaven. There's nothing 
better than this. If Thad it to do all over, 
I wish I had been born fifty years old 
and come right onto the Senior Tour. 
Defend the proposition that 
while Nicklaus is probably the greatest 
golfer of all time, you are the most pop- 
ular. 

vkevino; Well, I think that I'm one of the 
most popular. Fuzzy Zoeller is very pop- 
ular. С Rodriguez is very popular. 
No player who's ever played the game 
has been more popular than the king, 
Arnold Palmer. I have seen more people 
watch Palmer pack the trunk of his car in 
a tournament than watch another play- 
er, who is leading, putt out on eighteen. 
‘That's the truth! The man has charisma! 
He's got the people; they love him; I 
love him; I don't know any professional 
golfer who doesn't love him 

PLAYBOY: Are you uneasy about the num- 
ber of Japanese take-overs of American 
courses? 

TREVINO: As long as there's a stipulation 
that says a golf course must stay a golf 
course, I don't have a problem with it 
Don't be afraid in selling to the 
Japanese. They can't cut it out of the 
ground and take it home to Tokyo; they 
gotta leave it here. 

тлувоу: What will golf be like in 2001? 
reevino: Bigger and better. Golf is a 
sport that everyone is going to be play- 
ing. We'll have probably fifty or sixty 
million players. We'll have to go way out 
into the sticks to play. I predict we're go- 
ing to build golf courses in areas where 
grows, where the property has 
no value whatsoever. That's where you 
are going to have to play. 

—JOMN ANDRISANI 


PLAYBOY: 


not 


Golf Crisis (continua from page 113) 


"At the St. Andrews Old Course, they play the game as 
am exercise in serial crisis management." 


the air and correct a bad shot hit off the 
club. "s heel or toe. 

To solve the problem of saving par 
from treacherous lies around the green, 
50-degree wedge (which looks more 

a shovel than a golf club) was mar- 
keted. Any shot a golfer couldn't hit with 
a pitching wedge or a sand wedge the 
“third wedge” would now play for him. 

In 1990, the trend was lightning-fast 
greens. Putting a ball to a hole on an un- 
dulated, slow green is tough enough, but 
shave a green down so low that the ball 
ke it's on a billiard table and the 
golfer's nerves become frazzled. Say hel- 
то the long ришет. Almost a foot and a 
half longer, this pole-vault-stick-like dub 

player employ a perfect, pendu- 
ms-shoulders type of stroke, 
her than a hand-wrist action that's 
t to break down under pressure. 

The newly designed game-improve- 
ment clubs essentially put the golfer's 
wood and iron game on automatic pilot. 
High-lofied utility woods slice through 
heavy grass with the ease of a sickle. The 
60-degree wedge is so lofted it can scoop 
a ball from hell into heaven: The long 
putter makes a golfer *yip"-proof on the 
greens. Perfectly mowed fairways allow 
to pick the ball cleanly off 
s se of a hockey player 
hitting a puck off ice, thereby axing the 
challenge of playing a shot out of a divot, 
depr rufly lie—killing off the 
art of shotmaking. The men who intro- 
duced golf in had an entirely 
different game 

The historic s is that golf 
was first played оп а cow pas- 
ture in Yonkers, New York, in 1888. 
Soon after, John. Reid and his cronies 
built a six-hole course—called St. An- 
drew’s after the hallowed home of golf in. 
Scotland—and later bought 160 acres of 
Tand in nearby Hastings on Hudson and 
sed the building of an 18-hole 
and clubhouse. 
inal St. And E 
but because of the expensive. 
was given by Jack Nicklaus, the evolu- 
tion of golf clubs and the other gazillion 
changes in the ind Reid would 
hardly recognize the old course or the 
game played on it, Which is a shame, be- 
cause Reid had v 
serving the Scottish golf tradition. 

In its birthplace, everyone lov 
only a It is not a ric 
ounny. The 
he cradle of 
oll, is open to the public for $60. In 
1, Pebble Beach, while open to 
the public, costs $150 for 18 holes. 


Part of the raison dête of golf lor the 
s is the walk. St. Andrews prohibits 
ig else. For some American 
„the electric cart is one of nature's 
ct forms of locomotion. 

he typical р 


ten law at the Old Cour around 
in less than three and 

To the modern-day Ame 
every shot is a matter of life 
He dawdles over the ball, exar 
lie, paces off the fr 
three marker plates to his ball, throws 
grass up to test which way the one-mile- 
an-hour wind is blowing, faithfully takes 
three practice swings to rehearse the 
perfect swing, waves the club he: 
and forth a few times, 5 
swears. Then he plops down into the 
cart, tells his buddy it's time to buy a new 
set of clubs 


voller, 
nd de: 


“vs styled lo convey an eve 
ful Mob chieft 


hint that you're a иссе 


ing down the fairway. 
he St. Andrew 
igned by a gol 
links land crafted by God. Ir ju: 
pened as golfers played among the rab- 
bit warrens on the lip of the seashore. 
The Old Course is 
nd, therefore, the golfer 
ise shots off tricky lies. When the wind 
blows off the North Sea, the game is even 
more challenging. But locals, who de- 
spise American. target golf, are happy to 
play “wind cheaters,” “pitch-and-runs” 
and the entire range of contrived shots. 
They play the game as an exercise in se- 
rial crisis management. 

"The most adventurous thing an Amer- 
ican golfer could do, to revise his per- 
spective and help diffuse the golf erisis, 
would be to go out alone and play a 
round with one club—say a five iron 一 im 
the quiet of the early morning or late aft- 
ernoon. Just to reacquaint himself with 
the rigor of improvisation. Just to regain 
the fecl of what real golf i 
posing your will upon a sn 
smack it around nature. At its best and at 
its purest, ins the closest we ever get to 

aving God. 


so-faint 
lain who has 


"moved into legitimate business." 


149 


PLAYBOY 


The Perfect Lesson (continued from page 117) 


“To keep from leaning too far forward in the setup, 
always make sure you can wiggle your toes.” 


fingers firmly clamp the handle of the 
club and squeeze it against the heel pad. 

Always place the little finger of the left 
hand an inch and a half from the butt 
end of the club, for better balance and 
control. The index finger and thumb 
create a slight trigger effect, and this V 
should point between the right eye and 
the right shoulder. Looking down, you 
should see the top two knuckles on the 
back of your left hand. An eight-degree 
angle is created by the back of your left 
wrist. You should always set both wrists 
on that angle and never change the wrist 
angles during the swing. 

Grip the club firmly with the last three 
fingers of your left hand without creat- 
ing any tension in your arm and shoul- 
der. The left thumb is just right of center, 
and the right thumb is just left of center. 
These are The One Positions (left thumb. 
at one o'clock, right thumb at eleven). 
‘The right hand holds the club with the 
handle lying diagonally along the base of 
the fingers. Grip it firmly with the last 
three fingers of the right hand and 
squeeze the life line of the right hand on 
top of the left thumb. The two hands are 
joined with equal pressure. 

Many players lose the right hand at 
the top of the backswing. This is invaria- 
bly caused by letting the right life line 
leave the left thumb. To properly learn to 


keep the two hands joined, place a coin 
on top of your left thumb and squeeze 
the life line of your right hand а; 
your left thumb. Then’ practice hitting 
balls with the coin in posi Ifthe coin 
falls out at the top of the backswing, the 
hands are not joined properly. 


STANCE, 


Balance is the essence of a good swing 
For all shots, the ball position should al- 
ways be in line with the inside of your 
left foot, unless you are playing wind or 
trouble shots. To achieve this position, 
stand with your feet together and place 
the ball opposite the middle of your feet, 
then move your right foot to the right to 
fit the dub you are using. Always point 
your feet out 20 to 30 degrees in what I 
call The Duck Stance. This will promote 
an easier hip rotation, both back and 
through the swing. The stance should be 
no wider than the shoulders. The stance 
narrows slightly with the shorter clubs 
and more weight moves to the left foot. 
For example, with the driver, I recom- 
mend 60 percent of the weight on the 
ight foot and 40 percent on the left. 
allows you to hit the ball more on 
the upswing and get the ball into the air 
a lot easier. With the midirons and short- 
er irons, 60 percent of the weight is on 
the left foot and 40 percent on the right 


“Hey, God bless America. Right, Mac?” 


Place your weight lightly over the balls of 
the feet but nor too far forward. (Lean- 
ing over your toes is a deadly sin of 
weekend golfers.) To keep from leaning 
too far forward in the setup, always 
make sure you can wiggle your toes. 
The left arm and club shaft should be 
in a straight line from the shoulder to 
the ball. To achieve this, make sure your 
head is behind the ball and slide your 
hips laterally to the left approximate 
two inches. That move will automatically 
drop your right shoulder below your left 
and allow the right elbow to soften and 
turn slightly outward. The distance be- 
tween the elbows at address should be 
approximately the width of a clenched 
fist (the elbows should feel equidistant 
throughout the swing). The knees 
should be slightly flexed and directly 
over your shoes. Don't cock the right 
knee toward the left- knee, because it 
causes an unnecessary motion, one of 
the many that we are trying to eliminate- 


POSTURE 


To achieve the correct posture, stand 
upright, hold the club directly in front of 
you, with your feet apart. Flex your 
knees gently, bend from the waist and 
push your butt out. Place the dub be- 
hind the ball, always feathering the 
grass. Never bend your knees too much, 
Always stay soft and relaxed in the setup. 
Ло prevent your knecs from coming too 
close together, keep them over your 
shoes. To confirm that your hands are 
the correct distance from the body, take 
your right hand off the club and place 
your clenched fist, with your thumb pro- 
truding, on your left thigh. The thumb. 
should touch the top of the handle. 
The proper way to keep the elbows 
under control is to feel the right elbow 
being pushed gendy toward the left in 
the stance and throughout. the back- 
sving and downswing. (I do not recom- 
mend the gimmick of placing a strap 
around the elbows to achieve this feel- 
ing.) The opposite applies to the follow- 
through, left elbow toward right elbow. 


ALIGNMENT 


Use The Straight Method in th 
ng that you are uying to 


cctly behind the bail, f 
the target. Now find a spot between the 
ball and the target and visualize a 
straight ag through the ball to 


sure that the grip is correct and 
that the leading edge (bottom line) of the 
dub is plumb to the ground, at a 12- 
o'clock position, or a 90-degree angle, to 
the target. To check this angle, hold the 
club in front of you at eye level 

Aim at the target spot. To check your 


line, rotate your head to the left with the 
feeling of laying your right car on a pil- 
low, rather than lifting your head up and 
turning your shoulders to the left. This 
will allow you to look underncath and 
down the line. To help align your knees 
and shoulders, hold your club in the 
fingers of both hands across the knees, 
pointing the handle toward the target. 
Now bring your club up against your 
shoulders to check their alignment. 


START OF THE BACKSWING 


With a perfect setup, your task of 

achieving the key swing clements is a lot. 
easier. One of the main problems in 
starting the swing is tension. Io help 
eliminate tension and to make your posi- 
tion less rigid, waggle the club head 
and/or your feet. The waggle and the 
start of the backswing should be almost a 
continuous movement. 
"fake the club back in one movement, 
a pulling force, initiating the motion 
with the entire right side—not just with 
your hands or arms. Using the big mus- 
des (hips and shoulders) eliminates the 
problem of swinging too fast. The big 
muscles are the slow-moving parts of the 
body, and the hands and arms are 
the fast-moving ones. As you wind up on 
the backswing, you are applving cen- 
trifugal power by rotating your hips and 
shoulders around the axis of vour right 
side. This will automatically transfer 
your weight to the right heel. Make sure 
that your right knee has stayed in the 
same fixed position. At the top of your 
backswing, you are too busy to feel any- 
thing, but when you dry swing, you 
should try to feel that you are sitting in- 
to the right knee and right heel. 

Now we come to a key point about 
the backswing: The power source is in 
the turning motion of your body, not 
in the motion of your arms. By dividing 
the swing into two parts, right side and 
left side, we create rotation both on the 
backswing and in the follow-through. 
Because of the good posture you have 
developed, along with rotating around 
the right knee, you will feel coiled ten- 
sion. By controlling your backswing with 
your right side, you will find it a lot eası- 
er to coil efficiently to the maximum of 
your physical abilities. Obviously, flexi- 
bility plays an important part in the 
windup motion. 

I recommend setting the wrists gently 
on the backswing, because centrifuga 
force has a tendency to overset your 
arms and wrists. To control your arm ac- 
tion, you should feel that your arms are 
not swinging past shoulder level. You 
should fold your right elbow down at 
waist level on the backswing, maintain- 
ing an equal distance between both el- 
bows. The right elbow should be well 
away from the body but down. At the top. 
of the backswing, your right elbow 
should be positioned as though you were 
carrying a tray on the palm of your right. 


hand. Swinging back with your right el- 
bow close to your body will cause a flat 
and narrow backswing. 

When you practice swinging, you'll 
see that the arm action is a lot shorter 
than you imagined. Centrifugal force 
makes you feel as though you have to 
swing a lot farther back than necessary. 
Too many people are told to finish their 
backswing with an arm-and-wrist action 
rather than with the body action. To con- 
trol excessive wrist action, imagine that 
at the top of the backswing, your right 
thumb is pointing to the sky. Remember, 
when you overset your wrists, the eight- 
degree wrist angle is increased, causing 
the left wrist to cup inward and the club 
face to open. The proper hinging of the 
left wrist is vital for control and power. 
Centrifugal force on the downswing cre- 
ates the proper wrist set automatically 
and leads to what we are looking for—a 
late wrist action, or late hit. 

Control of the back of the left wrist ts, 
without question, one of the key prob- 
lems in most golf swings. Throughout 
the golf swing, both the left-wrist angle 
and the right-wrist angle should never 
change. In a perfect swing, the club 
face never opens or closes but remains 
straight. The rotation of the right shoul- 
der and the right hip creates one of 
the key elements in power and timing, 
allowing both shoulders maximum 
windup. Visualize creating a pulling 
force stronger than a pushing force. 


THESTARI OF THE DOWASWING 


You have wound up the right side with 
perfect coil tension. You are sitting into 
the right knee and right heel, and now 
you are in the transitional stage of 
change in direction, The Pendulum 
Feel. As you are completing your shoul- 
der turn with the right side and sitting 
into the right knee and heel, you should 
initiate the lefi-side pulling force, with 
the left knee moving down the toc line, 
allowing the left foot to roll over, your 
weight moving to the lelt heel. As your 
hips clear, you should feel as though you 
are sitting down. Your right heel is held 
to the ground and your legs are spread. 
Think of keeping your back to the hole 
as long as possible before you start your 
change in direction. The movement has 
to be smooth. The hands and arms are 
changing direction softly. Most golfers’ 
swings break down at this point. The 
natural tendency is to try to get the club 
head back to the ball too quickly. Here’s 
a thought that may puzzle you, but it 
could turn your golf game around faster 
than any other: Try to keep the club 
head away from the ball as long as possi- 
ble. Because of the nature of the setup, 
ih the hips slightly forward, the hips 
will open and clear naturally. The 
pulling force of your left knee and left 
side will allow the shoulders to work in 
their correct plane. Keep this in mind: 
The backswing plane is wide and the 


downswing plane is more narrow. The 
centrifugal force of the hips’ clearing 
should encourage a slight reversed ac- 
tion of the wrists, setting you up in the 
late-hit position. As your body unwinds, 
your right knee naturally drives inward 
toward the left knee, At impact, allow 
your head to rotate slighdy toward the 
target. Again, I call this “laying your 
right ear on a pillow.” This also forces 
your right shoulder under your chin. 
Remember, the proper swing is under- 
arm, not roundhouse. 


THE FOLLOWTHROUG 


The start of the downswing is always 
initiated with the lower part of your 
body, with the arms following. You must 
feel your left arm close to your chest on 
the downswing. Thinking of the right el- 
bow coming into your body on the 
downswing has caused the demise of 
many a good player. The result is nor- 
mally a block-out to the right or an over- 
compensation of hands, creating a pull 
to the left 

Maximum acceleration of the club 
head through the ball is a result of the 
coordination of motion in the correct se- 
quence. One of the key problems in the 
follow-through is the straightening of 
the lefi arm, which causes the club head 
to slow down. The golf swing is a game 
of opposites. The right elbow folds down 
on the backswing, the left elbow folds 
down on the follow-through. It is the 
left-arm rotation and folding down to- 
ward the right elbow that keep the ac- 
celeration working through the ball. 
Practice with a short club with half a 
backswing and halfa follow-through, us- 
ing the big muscles, folding your right 
elbow down gently on the backswing and 
your left elbow down on the follow- 
through. This will give you the sensation 
of acceleration. 

Your wrist angles control an impor- 
tant leverage in power and release, and 


the release through the ball is a continu- | 


ous movement. As the arms catch up to 
your hips at impact, you should release 
your left elbow as hard as possible. If you 
do not change your wrist angles, you will 
never hook the ball. Io have a sound 
swing, you need to develop the ability to 
release as hard as possible without hit- 
ting the ball to the left. 

After each swing, you should learn 
to show off by posing in the follow- 
through. If you are posing correctly, 
your balance is good, and you have 
made the perfect swing for you. 


PRACTICE ROUTINE 


Obviously, perfect practice develops 
the perfect swing. Be patient. Remem- 
ber, you must think of only one element 
at a time, and you should practice that 
partof the swing without a ball. To check 
if the move is correct, look in the mirror. 
or ask a friend to watch you 

The first key to perfect practice is 


151 


PLAYBOY 


repetition 12 to 24 times of a particular 
movement. The second is to make half of 
those repetitions in slow motion. To do 
so, count to eight before you've complet- 
ed the move of any part of your swing. 

Never practice with one particular 
club. Use all of your clubs when you are 
learning your swing. 

When you are on the practice tee, de- 
velop the same preshot routine that you 
would use on the golf course, Be met 
lous with your target and alignment, Use 
different targets every half-dozen shots. 


SUMMATION 


“To master the 
swing, remember 

e The Perfect Setup. Check your grip, 
stance, posture and alignment. 

e Ground Control. Check your balance. 
Weight should transfer to the right heel 
on the backswing and to the outside of 
the left heel and foot in the follow- 
through. 

e The Take-away. Be relaxed. Stay in 
motion for a smooth, continuous take- 
away. Pulling force: Use the big mus- 
cles—right hip and right shoulder. Do 
not take the club back with hands and 
arms. 

e Rotation Power. Pivot around a flexed 
right knee. Bounce into the right knee at 
the top of the backswing. 

e The Straight Method. Wrist control: 
The angles of the back of the left and 
right wrists never change throughout 


ey moves fora perfect 


the swing. 

e Elbou Control. Elbows remain equi- 
distant. The right elbow should be kept 
down but away from the body during 
the backswing. The left elbow should be 
down but away from the body on the 
follow-through 

e Big-Musche ‘Turn. Right shoulder, 
right hip; less arm action and wrist set on 
the backswing. 

e The Pendulum Feel. Keep your back to 
the hole as long as possible, with the 
hands and arms changing direction soft- 
ly. The arms are always followers, not 
leaders, in the swing 

e Start of the Downswing. Keep the club 

head away from the ball as long as possi- 
ble on the downswing. 
The Follow-through and Balance. Yo 
maintain maximum acceleration, keep 
the lefi knee flexed in the follow- 
through. 

e "Lay Your Right Ear on a Pillow.” This 
will allow the swing to work underarm 
rather than roundhouse. 

e “Pose for the Camera.” Obviously, if 
you are posing correctly, your balance is 
good. Practice swinging the club with 
your feet six to 12 inches apart, posing 
each time in the follow-through. 

e Your Practice Rouline. Dry swing at 
least four or five times for every ball you 
hit. Learn to hit the ball instinctively. 
Take the time to practice slowly. 

Good golfing! 


"It wasn't easy in New York, but here Pue got 
them where I want them!” 


Q School 


(continued from page 118) 
makes December golf’s cruelest month 
Fach year, hundreds of pro golfers apply 
for their P a ree passes to the 
golden circuit where the 100th-best 
player makes almost $200,000. After two. 
brutal regional tourneys, the best and 
luckiest report to the finals, where six 
rounds divide survivors and chaff. And 
each year, on the sweaty, cruel final day 
of Q School, one putt on the 18th green 
is the difference between a courtesy car 
anda full of rice. 

Robert Gamez, 23, won twice in the 
Show last year. More than the $461,407 
he earned, more than the glory of holing 
out a seven iron to bite the Shark at Ba 
Hill, Gamez said. winning meant “I 
don't have to go back to Tour School. Га 
hate to do that ag 

Hundreds of ter 
heroes all—practice all y 
lions of balls off a thousa 
ranges. Then comes that 
ing week in December, One veteran calls 
it a bar e; ned school final and crash. 
diet rolled into one. “You lose lots of 
weight," he says. Most of the weight loss 
is flop sweat and tears. After 72 holes at 
the six-day finals, 80 players are axed; 
the rest duel for two more days, the most 
pressurized 48 hours of their lives. Final- 
ly, 45 men сат PG.A. cards. Losers go 
to the Hogan Tour or to hard-scrabble 
and wait a year to run the 


Вс golfers—local 


h 


says Hogan 
pro Bobby Schaeffer. “I was really, really 
close last year. Four under makes your 
card and 1 was four under. Then I miss a 
three-foot puu.” Schaeffers is not the 
saddest Q School tale. This is 

The top five Hogan Tourists win big- 
tour cards. In. 1990, Ric ‘carson was. 
safe until Mike Springer shot 65 on the 
season's last day, knocking him to sixth 
оп the money list. Pearson returned to 
school and shot 429 over six days. The 
golden mean was 498. One putt. 

"Tour School sucks souls. By the back 
nine on the last day, every putt is sud- 
den death. Dozens of cclestially skilled 
golfers know that their work on the final 
hole will dictate their lives for a year. Or 
forever; many who fail quit th 
Eyen worse, they often go to the 108th 
knowing whether they need 
birdie or par. Play sale? Shoot for the 
flag? Many players make par at 108 only 
to ponder suicide as bolder men finish 
with birdies. In 1989, Gamez sneaked 
home by a stroke at Q School; out on the 
xed, he speared the Shark 
en iron and wi 


tee not 


mous se 
s work. Game: 
у ‚choolers will w 
y plumb-bob putts. 

“My wife knows not to talk to me 
in November says Yokoi, who hates 
December. Like most PG.A. prospects, 


he becomes Norman Bates, jumping at 
shadows, as Q School approaches. At last 
ycar's finals, he made 19 birdies in 72 
holes. Brilliant, but not good enough. 
There were also an out-of-bounds ball 


and half a dozen in the water “One 
О.В., six H,O.” He fell short again. 
To feel thc weight of that week, spend 


25 years in Mickey Yokor's Etonic: 

His parents were first-generation 
Japanese Americans who ran à Los An- 
geles flower shop. They wanted a golfer 
in the family 1 the mantle fell to scc- 
ond son Victor. He became Mickey when 
a boyhood scrape left a whisker-shaped 
scar beside his nose and his sister said he 
looked like Mickey Mouse. Yokoi grew 
up playing Rancho Park, the busiest 
public course in tlie continental U.S. By 
1981, he was a star at top-ranked UCLA. 
He turned pro in 1983. 

In 1984, his Bruins teammate Pavin 
set a rookie record on the big tour, v 
ning $260,536. Yokoi lost money playing 
the Golden State minitour His short 
game was flawless, but he was shorter off 
the tee than most of the rangy pipettes 
on the tour, and when he tried to belt the 
ball, his driver betrayed him. Brief stints 
on the Asian and Australian circuits 
proved even tougher and cost more. 
American РС.А. qualifiers—the dreaded 
"four spots" in which 100 or more men 
compete on Monday for four places in a 
big-tour field—led to 12 PG.A. events 
n which he never cracked the leader 
board, and every December, he Hunked 
Q School. There was always one bad 
round, one heartache that lasted a year. 
One bent shot or, worse, a bad decision. 

At La Manga in Cartagena, Spain, for 
the finals of the European Tour School, 
which is less deadly than the U.S. school 
but malo enough—Yokoi was safe. He 
was sure that a par on the final hole was 
his ticket to the rich Faldo-Langer- 
Ballesteros circuit. “Stupidest thing I ev- 
er thought,” he says, He made his par; a 
flurry of late birdies left him out in the 
cold by one stroke. 

He might have been smarter to take 
an assistant’s job at a muni or a backwa- 
ter golf club. There were offers—steady 
pay in exchange for a life of selling Izod 
shirts and teaching beginners not to shut 
their eyes on the downswing, but that 
was surrender. As a teaching pro, he 
would have spent the rest of his life won- 
dering, Did I give up too soon? 

He refuses to hang up his spikes 
"There's this dream guys like me hav 
he says. He sees himsell “playing the big 
tour every week, how much fun that 
would be. Those guys must be happy 
just waking up in the morning 

A psychology major at UCLA, Yokoi 
knows that dreams can be delusive. He 
has scen scores of talented players beat- 
en by the game's incessant demand for a 
rare mix of skill, luck and ego, and now 
believes in mind over matter. While 
praising Pavin's shill, he credits his for- 


mer teammate's success on the big tour 
to something nearly mystic: “Corey goes 
out there and knows he can win, Most of 
us hope we can win.” Yokoi knows a lot 
of guys who hit the ball pretty much the 
way Pavin does; he's one of them. He al- 
so knows that only a few will ever rub el. 
bows with Pavin, Strange and the Shark 
in the Show, and almost all of them are 
younger than he. 

“I can't do this forever. Carole and I 
want to have a home. We want to have a 
baby, but right now, we can't afford it, we 
can't afford anything. So we're t 
if this year doesn't work out, РШ quit," he 
says. “OF course, I say that every year” 

Аза Q School finalist, Yokoi plays the 
Triple-A tour. Created in 1990 as a prov 
ing ground for the PG.A’s best 
prospects, the Hogan Tour features 
groomed courses and gleaming leader 
boards, plus marshals and scorekecpers 
armed with walkie-talkies, just like the 
big tour. Players get free equipment and 
don’t pay greens fees for practice 
rounds, as minitour players often do. 
“You feel you have a kind of validity,” 
says Yokoi. Showing off his PG.A. of 
America card, number 0003612684, he 
grins. He carries a more important talis- 
man, as well—the thing players mean 
when they refer to their “cards,” the 
charm that gets them into clubhouses on 
the Hogan Tour. It is a gold money clip, 
emblazoned with the tour emblem. 
Yokoi loves the feel of his money clip, 
tangible validity. He only wishes there 
were more Grants and fewer Washing- 
tons between its tongs. Hogan golf “is no 
picnic,” he says. Expenses run about 
$700 a week and that’s if your wife cad- 
dies for you; miss a few cuts and the 
money clip that proves you're a pro 
golfer holds too few bills to buy dinner. 

Yokoi hits hundreds of balls a day on 
driving ranges from Bakersfield to Yu- 
ma to Macon to New Haven and he sel- 
dom makes expenses. Endlessly fiddling 
with his swing, he watches himself and 
tour eponym Ben Hogan on video tape 
(Yok video camera and VCR are his 
only pricey possessions.) One win, he 
thinks as he compares Hogan's swing 
with his own, always falling short. He 
opens his hips an instant too soon, the 
ball hooks directly to jail. Fix that for 
one weck, he thinks (though by doing so, 
he may delay his hip turn and push the 
ball to the right), Fix that for a week and 
make a few putts; one win in 1991 and I 
can afford to give my wife a week off 
from caddying. And one win could lead to 
two. Two wins make me a probable top- 
five finisher on the Hogan Tour, and the 
top five go directly to the big tour, by- 
passing Q School 

On a windy Saturday 
Shreveport's Southern Т 
Club, Yokoi neyer once hit driver less 
than 280 yards. When one of his Shreve- 
port thumpers rolled to a stop 310 yards 
from the tee, a local fan drawled, “Was 


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153 


PLAYBOY 


154 


that his drahhve?" 

Carole, toting Yokoi's golf bag, stayed 
a discrect and very Asian ten yards be- 
hind her man as he strode through a 
dispiriting round. His gallery numbered 
two—Alan and Ilene Murakami had 
driven over from Texas to support their 
old friends. “A few ycars ago, Mickey and 
Carole had a chance to seule down. 
Mickey could have been an assistant 
pro,” said Alan, a comfy suburbanite 
who is an account manager with a com- 
puter firm, "but they wanted to keep the 
dream alive." Waiching one of Yokoi's 
three-foot putts lip out and return to 
sender, Alan Murakami shook his head. 
“Mickey always misses out, just by a 
hair.” Then Alan, who carries а 16 hand- 
icap as a weekend golfer, said, "I still en- 
vy him. He gets to live the fantasy all of 
us golfers have." 

At the 18th hole, a 527-yard par five, 


Yokoi hit a jumbo drive and a six iron 
that landed ten feet from the flag. Too 
bad it hit hot; the ball skipped into a trap 
behind the green. His bunker shot and 
Pyrrhic birdie putt drew applause but 
still meant 73-76. Yokoi didn’t need to 
check the scoreboard to know he had 
missed the cit. He went straight to the 
sun deck at Southern Trace, where he 
and Carole and the Murakamis ordered 
gumbo, sandwiches and lemonade. Sit- 
ting in the sun with his wife/caddie and 
his friends/gallery, enjoying his view of 
the 18th green, he made a fist and hit 
himself on the head. “I hate it,” Yokoi 
said. “I hate missing cuts at a place like 
this. It’s so nice being out here, then you 
have to leave so soon.” 

His eighth Q School was eight months 


away. 


“We were made for 
each other, I like fast cars and sex outdoors 
and he has a Porsche with a sun roof.” 


MEN FROM DARPA 


(continued from page 122) 

The idea of establishing a far-out re- 
search group to work on military space 
technology (and, later, on other kinds of 


from President Secretary 
of Defense, Neil McElroy, who in civilian 
life had set up a kind of department of 
creativity at Proctor and Gamble. The 
three military Services balked, but their 
very opposition clinched the deal, for 
Eisenhower had begun to weary of all 
the ridiculous competition among the 
Services. On February 7, 1958, he signed 
the bill authorizing ARPA, as it was ini- 
tially called. (The word Defense was 
added later by Congress to underscore 
the primacy of its military mission.) 

Defense Secretary McElroy also estab- 
lished the essential organizational prin- 
ciples of DARPA that have made it so 
effective. First, he decided that it should 
operate as a kind of venture-capital firm, 
funneling seed money to promising 
projects being developed at outside lab- 
oratories and relying on its program 
managers to take full command of their 
projects, paying for whatever research is 
needed without bureaucratic interfer- 
ence. “There were very few echelons at 
DARPA," Ruina recalls. "Everybody in 
the agency had easy and direct access to 
me and | reported directly to the De- 
partment of Defense's Undersecretary 
for Research and Engineering.” 

‘That freedom from bureaucratic en- 
cumbrance is the major lure to get hot- 
shot scientists to work round-the-clock 
jobs for $50,000 a year As former 
DARPA scientist Mansfield says, “If you 
can come up with the right project, 
DARPA gives you the money and gets 
out of the way. It’s a wonderful atmos- 
phere for a scientist.” 

Because the military's logistical prob- 
lems aren't all that different from those 
of, say, Federal Express, DARPA has also, 
almost inadvertently, come up with a few 
innovations that have improved life in 
the private sector. In this country, it 
developed the computer before civilians 
saw its significance, leading MIT's pro- 
fessor John Deutch to assert that “the 
computer strength of the United States 
came out of DARPA.” The agency's com- 
puter research has led to such fixtures of 
modern life as bank cash machines, com- 
puter graphics. work stations and the 
computer mouse. DARPA has, also 
worked on such emerging hot technolo- 
gies as superconductivity, artificial intcl- 
ligence and neural networks. 


. 

In its carly days, DARPA concentrated 
on developing satellites, antiballistic mis- 
sile systems and nuclear-test detection 
technology. But it branched into ground 
warfare during the carly days of Viet- 
nam. “Ofall the things we did,” says Ru- 
ina, who was director at the time, "that's 


the program I am least fond of." 

Vietnam just wasnt DARPA's kind 
of war. Its most original, not to say out 
landish, solutions never quite fit, such as 
its plans for a four-legged robot to carry 
heavy loads along jungle trails. A later 
director, Eberhardt Rechtin, killed the 
ject as a “damn-fool” idea; he was 
afraid Congress would get wind of it and 
question the entire DARPA endeavor. 

The one worthwhile contribution 
DARPA made to the Vietnam war was to 
encourage the adoption of the AR-15 as 
the Army's standard-issue rifle. Tragical- 
ly, later modifications by the Army ru- 
ined most of the gun's good points. It 
was not uncommon to find American 
soldiers dead, bent over a jammed M-16. 
The rifle acquired such a reputation that 
the Viet Cong, who routinely scavenged 
the equipment of dead Gls, left the M- 
16s right where they were. It took three 
years, but the Army eventually demod- 
ified the gun. 


. 
In the Seventies, DARPA developed 
the Stealth technology that would maki 
such a difference in the Persian Gulf. 
though the Republicans are taking full 
credit for the victory that Stealth helped 
win, it was entirely a Democratic enter- 
prise. Indeed, Stealth might never have 
made it onto an airplane if it hadn't been 
for William Perry, who served as Under- 
secretary of Defense for Research and 
Engineering during the Carter Adminis- 
tration. Perry was so captivated by the 
idea of an "invisible" plane that he once 
walked into a Stealth briefing with an 
empty model-airplane stand and de- 
clared, "Here's the Stealth bomber." 
Still, it wasn't an easy sale. DARPA of- 
ten has trouble with whats known as 
“technology t the process of 
marketing its inventions to the Services. 
A large part of the problem is cultural. 
Whenever people start talking about 
DARPA, the word nerd, or even dweeb, 
is bound to come up. Academically 
trained DARPA scientists u 
proach military problems a 
ently from career soldiers. 
dreams about particle beams; the mili- 
lary wants a reliable peashooter 
Then, too, the DARPA wizards have 
had their setbacks. For instance, they en- 
listed Gerald Bull, famed for the Super- 
gun he was supposedly developing for 
the Iraqis before he was assassinated, 10 
develop similar technology for the Unit 
ed States back in the early ties. Bull 
happily took the money but never pro- 
duccd, and DARPA *cut him off pretty 
quickly,” recalls George Rathjens, a 
DARPA chief scientist in the early years. 
“With all of DARPNs assignment: 
there is a high probability for failu 
says military observer Richard Field- 
house. "That's why they're DARPA proj- 
ects. People come up with some far-out 
idea and say, ‘It would be great if thi 
works, but for lots of reasons, it probably. 


won't, so you take it.” 

And then, lots of times, DARPA's blue- 
sky research generates technology that 
does work, but it’s so kookie that no one 
can figure out what to do with it. Such as 
the Talking Heads project 

The Talking Heads project was devel- 
oped for DARPA by a freewheeling MIT 
computer-science laboratory tapped to 
address the question of how top Gov- 
ernment and military officials could 
communicate during a nuclear attack. 
Clearly, the key people in the Govern- 
ment couldn't hole up in the same nucle- 
ar shelter; but if they were dispersed, 
how could they effectively communi 
cate? This got the MIT researchers 
thinking about the broader questions of 

"thc transmission of presence.” 

So the group came up with a truly 
wild idea: Lo create sets of plastic masks 
of the faces of the President, Vicc-Presi- 
dent, Secretary of State, and so on, one 
set for cach participant to array around 
him, re-creating (albeit eerily) the expe- 
rience of being in a regular meeting with 
these dignitaries. The TV image of the 
actual person would be projected inside 
each mask, lighting up the George Bush 
mask, for instance, with George Bush’s 
televised face. Each mask would be 
mounted on gimbals, so that as the 
officials sadly shook their heads in re- 
sponse to Dan Quayle's latest suggestion, 
the masks would twist back and forth. 

. 

1f you thought the Persian Gulf war 
was an astonishingly bloodless affair (for 
the Allies, anyway), wait till you see the 
next one. At least there were living, 
breathing American soldiers in the Gulf. 
If DARPA has its way, during the next 
war, we'll be tying yellow ribbons for the 
safe return of our robots. 

“The whole idea is to get the human 
being out of harm's way,” says Roger 
Schappell, the director of Martin Mariet- 
ta's advanced automation technology 
group in Denver, Colorado, which is do- 
ing much of the military robotics work 
for DARPA. Technicians have completed 
the Autonomous Land Vehicle, which 
looks like a small, free-ranging locomo- 
tive. It can chug along a road at about 
ten miles an hour and can cut cross- 
country at about three and a half. By 
1997, the A.L.V. should be available to 
scout deep behind enemy lines, take 
over for American soldiers in war zones 
that have been subjected to nuclear, bio- 
st tanks 


Some critics are leery of robots’ mak- 
ing war. “You have cnough problems 
with friendly fire on the battlefield as it 
is,” says John Pike of the Federation of 
American Scientists. “From what I hear, 
the A.L.V. is still having a hard time stay 
ing on the road. If the robot isn't smart 
enough to stay on the road, I'm not sure 
I want to give it a shotgun. 

Unmanned technology is 


further 


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along in its air and undersea versions, 
largely because they operate in environ- 
ments that are far less complex than 
open countryside. Besides the un- 
anned undersea vehicle that has al- 
ady been put to succes the 
Persian Gulf, Martin. Marietta is com- 
pleting an unmanned plane that makes 
the current ger iles 
look really dumb. 

In the Persian Gulf, human beings still 
had to tell those bombs where to Hy and 
what to hit. The next generation of 
smart bombs will do much of that on 
their own. They will consult a list of tar- 
gets and then decide for themselves 
what to go for and how to approach it, 


depending on local weather conditions, 
enemy defenses, ete. 
For plancs that still require human pi- 


lots, DARPA has also been developing a 
sophisticated on-board computer system 
called the Pilots Associate, which helps 
sort out the bewildering array of infor- 
mation ıhat inundates a pilot. It keeps 
tabs on everything and alerts the pilot to 
a near-empty fuel tank, say, or an incom- 
ing SAM missile. "I call it God-is-my- 
copilot," says Pike. 

“There will be a copilot for generals 
back at command headquarters, too, in 
the form of a computerized “battle man- 
ager” that will speedily test-run alterna- 
tive scenarios and analyze statistical 
probabilities to help commanders devel- 
op their battle strategies. 

lo the extent that American soldi 
will still be required to fight a war, com- 
puters are now helping them train for 
At Fort Knox, Kentucky, the Army has 
installed what amounts to the world’s 
largest interactive video game. It’s called 
Simulator Networking, or SIMNET, and 
it features 60 ersatz M-1 tanks, Bradley 
fighting vehicles and other Army vehi- 
cles inside a hangar the size of a football 


field. Video screens provide computer- 
generated images of what the soldiers 
would be seeing through their viewers, 
plus a kind of Sensurround impression 
of war—blasts of artillery shells, the 
chugging of machine-gun fire over loud- 
speakers, the frantic shouts of com- 
manders coming over the squawk box 
and the shaking and rumbling of vehi- 
des whenever a shell hits too close. 

SIMNET can also add 
the mix with SIMNET- 
copters and fighter planes, 
full-scale air-land battle. The tanks can 
split up to fight battles; in the future, 
they may even hook up to fight long di 
tance with Fort Stewart or Fort Benning, 
or even with the Army base at Grafen- 
wöhr in Germany. SIMNET also helped 
the 24th Infantry Division—some of the 
troops who sprinted across the desert to 
encircle the Iraqis 一 to quickly get famil- 
iarized with its equipment and fight a re- 
alistic war before it faced real bullets. 

“SIMNET seems like a game at first, 
because the images are cartoonish,” says 
Colonel Larry Mengel, the Army’s sys- 
manager for SIMNET. “But your 
1 accepts them after a while, and aft- 
er two hours, they seem so real that if an 
nemy tank comes up out of the woods, 
it sends a chill down your spine." 


. 
DARPA is making some of its heaviest 
investment in experimental planes 


Some of them seem to reflect nothi 
more than an urge to show off: The X-29 
is a normal plane in most respects, ex 

cept that the wings are on backward, 
sweeping forward into the line of flight 

Thats a bit like Mozart playing the pi 
ano upside down. The plane is suppos- 
edly much more maneuverable, but it is 
also so hard to fly that if the computers 
ever fail, the pilot is on orders to eject 
immediately. DARPA also came up with 


the needle-nosed X-31, capable of awe- 
some vertical climbs. And it is working: 
up an odd cargo plane that looks like a 
flying trimaran, with two sets of unusual- 
ly long wings that are joined by two 
tubular “pods” on either side of the fuse- 
lage. The ticktacktoe-board configui 
tion helps the plane lift off from 
extremely short runway 

But thc most ambitious plane in 
DARPA' experimental ficet is surely the 
X-30, the National Acro-Space Plane 
(NASP) that is intended to take off from 
a runway like a regular plane, then hit 
Mach 25 speeds on its way into or 
(The supersonic Concorde flies at a slug- 
gish Mach 2.) The plane would essential- 
ly be one long jet engine, with a wind 
tunnel running through the center of 
the fuselage. The air rushing into the 
nose would be mixed with liquid hydro- 
gen, be ignited and then blown out the 
back as thrust. It remains to be seen 
whether combustion can occur with air 
shooting through the fuselage so fast. 
Said Robert R. Barthelemy, director of 
the National Aero-Space Plane Joint 
Program Office at Wright Patterson Air 
Force Base, “It’s like lighting a match in 
a hurricane.” 


б 

For DARPA, the Persian Gulf war 
could not have come at a better time, Its 
director Craig Fields was assigned to the 
Pentagon last year; he had been accused 
he fine linc that 


of suaying too far over 
separates mi from civilian interests. 
He had ventured into such projects 
as high-definition TY, gallium-arsenide 
computer chips (which can handle as 
many as 1000 more functions than cur- 
rent silicon chips) and lithium polym 
batteries (more durable, powerful and 
versatile than. conventional. nickel-cad- 
mium ones), and into programs such as 
the SEMATECH semiconductor consor- 
mall of which were not strictly m 
tary ventures but certainly provided 
military spin-ofls. This technological ad- 
venturism did not please such free-mar- 
ket theologians as Budget Director 
Richard Darman and Chief of Staff John 
Sununu; Fields left the Government in 
May 1990. 

For a while, there was some anxiety in 
Washington over the fate ol DARPA 
self. But after its performance in the Per- 
sian Gulf, it can breathe a lot easier. Few 
other 160-man Government agencies 
can claim to have made the Bush White 
House look so good, let alone to have 
changed something so fundamental as 
the nature of warfare. And we can ex- 
pect that, in the next war, its latest gadg- 
ets will be there once more to clobber 
our foes, protect our soldiers and dazzle 
the folks back home. That is, if there's 
another enemy out there who's dumb 
enough to take on DARPA. 


BOWS IT Fre 


(continued from page 121) 
than 100 new sauces and scasonings, 
cluding Jamaica Hell Fire, Crazy Cajun, 
Jamaican Jerk and Inner Beauty, will ap- 
pear on specialty-store shelves this year 
(see Playboy's Guide to the Hot Stuff over- 
), along with chili-laced peanut but- 
chocolate pepper cookies and 
piked caviar. In fact, the hot-food 
market is now estimated to rake in two 
billion dollars a year. 

‘Yo top it off, hot-food fanatics have 
their own bimonthly, glossy magazine 
called Chile Pepper, which reviews hot 
products on the market and explores 
such topics as the religious rituals of 
South American Indians who believed 
the chili had mystic healing powers. 

Much of the current interest in spicy 
foods has come out of the immigrant en- 
сауса in cities such as New York, 
Miami, Houston, Los Angeles, Minne- 
apis and San Francisco. The food 
cultures of the Thais, Indians, Cubans, 
Jamaicans and Haitians, among others. 
ich in hot foods. To maintain their 
traditions, these new Americans have 
opened an amazing range of restaurants 
specializing in spicy native foods, as well 
as grocery stores offering a wide array of 
hot sauces, marinades, chili peppers and. 


other incendiary exotica. 
‘The extraordinary success of Cajun 
chef Paul Prudhomme and of Cajun 


food in general—also helped raise the 

а nce of Americans. 
me's New Orleans restaurant, 
ned many customers to con- 
verts with the wham-bam seasonings in 
signature dishes such as blackened sea- 
food and prime rib. 

Other American chefs have picked up 
the crusade for spicy, hot foods. At his 
namesake restaurant in Phoenix, chef 
Vincent Guerithault prepares shrimp 
and-corn fritters with chipotle-chili may- 
onnaise and duck tamales with green 
Anaheim chilie: 
Mille 
range of 
dishes such as rack of lamb with rose- 
mary and serrano-chili aioli, red chili and 
honey salmon fillet with black-bean-and- 
roasted-corn salsa and grilled-cheese 
dwiches with poblano chi 

The so-called new Texas cuisine has 
been defined by and built upon cre- 
tudded 


many 


oyote С. 


ations such chowde 
with poblano and serrano chilies from 
Dean Fearing at the Mansion on Turtle 
Greek in Dallas and mussel soup with 
serranos served by Robert DelGrande а 
Cafe Annie in Houston. Even in the Mid- 
west and on the East are de- 
vising ays to satisfy customers’ 
cravings for hotter, spicier foods. At 
Chicago's trend-setting Topolol 

chef Rick Bayless stuffs a corn cre; 
ham, crab and poblano peppers. The 


co 


new 


eclectic menu at Biba in Boston features 
chef-owner Lydia Shire’s lobster in a 
green-curry broth. And Bobby Fl 
grilled-quail salad with poblano vin 
grette and loin-of-lamb chops with 
jalapeño preserves has made New York's 
Mesa Grill literally one of the hottest 
restaurants in town 


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What really fascinates these chef 
and their customers—are the degrees of 
hotness and the levels of flavor from dif- 
ferent peppers and spices. Hotness for 
its own sake is never a virtue, because 
you blow the roof off your mouth, you 
not going to taste much of anything 
afterward. The wallop packed into 
Japanese wasabi, American horseradish 
and German mustard may have the 
me effect on one’s physiognomy as do 
smelling salts, but their inclusion in a 

i not meant to send the cons! 

reeling. 
When it comes to chili peppers, the 
most common means of spicing up 
foods, individual responses vary widely. 
Some people are fairly immune to the 
power of the diabolically hot habanero 
pepper, while others wilt under the as- 
sault of a much milder jalapeno. Most 
people will build up a tolerance to 
chilies’ heat, but it can take a while. 

The good news for hot-food lovers, 
though, is that scientists have deter 
mincd that chili peppers do a lot more 
good than harm to the digestive system. 
There's even evidence that cating chilics 
may be quite beneficial. For one thing, 
they stimulate the gastric juices, which 
spur the appetite and make digestion 
easier, And there seems to be evidence 
that they can help thin the blood and 
prevent undesirable dotting. 

If you do indulge in hot, spicy food, 
there are sensible rules to follow. Re- 
member to wash your hands thoroughly 
ndling a chili pepper. If you 


don't, the chili oil left on your fingers 
can badly sting your eyes or nos 
To temper the heat of the chilies, re- 


move the houest parts—the seeds and 
int membranes—and to diminish 
their incendiary effects, cook them slow- 
ly with other foods. If you're preparing 
or eating a quick, stir-fried dish, pick out 
the chilies or risk mistaking a whole on 
for a string bean or carrot 

And lastly, when sampling hot food at 
a tasting, take your time and clear your 
palate frequently. “If you already have a 
high tolerance,” says Dave DeWitt, edi- 
tor of Chile Pepper, “take sips of beer be- 
tween tastes. Starches like potatoes and 
rice work pretty well, too. If you really 
want to reduce the heat on your tongue, 
eat vanilla ice cream while you taste.” 

‘To get you started, here are a few 
great recipes. 


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PLAYBOY 


S GUIDE 


TI THE Hot MIU 


Americans’ obsession with hot 
foods has led to an extraordinary 
range of hot sauces, salsas, pastes, 
etc. To help you choose, we taste- 
tested some of the best brands from 
around the world and rated them 
(with chili peppers, of course) ac- 
cording to over-all flavor. The re- 
sults: Some were just OK (one 
pepper) and others were excellent 
(five peppers). Fire when ready! 


DBP Berrak Hot Pepper Paste 
(Turkey) 

Ferociously hot paste to spread onto 

meats or to use as a condiment. 


JÌ Bulliard's Louisiana Hot Sauce 
Pinkish, medium-hot sauce with a 
nice balance of tang and heat. 


JJ) Cajun Chef Louisiana Green 
Hot Sauce 

A khaki-colored sauce with a strong 

vinegar-vegetable flavor. 


I) Cajun Power Garlic Sauce 
(Louisiana) 

With pronounced tomato and garlic 

flavors, this is excellent foi barbecu- 

ing. 

DI) Clive Duval's Salsa Roja 
(Maryland) 

Great for dipping, this contains lots 

of fresh vegetables and spices. 

I) Crazy Cajun the Original 
Heavenly Hash Chile Sauce 
(Louisiana) 

Delicious tomato-based sauce with 

ample heat. Great with chips. 

J Crystal Louisiana's Pure Hot 

Sauce 

Mildly hot, this blood-red sauce has 

rusy, vinegar-and-salt flavor. 

JJ) D & Н Trade Winds Jamaican 

Jerk Seasoning 

Labeled a barbecue sauce, this 

product is equally good as a 

DD Evadney's Medium All-Pur- 

pose Jamaican Hot Sauce 

This powerful hot sauce has a ma- 

hogany-brown color and а sweet, 

well-seasoned, cinnamonlike taste. 


JJJ} Goya Hot Sauce (Costa Rica) 
Goya offers good color, layers of 
flavors and a real wallop. 

JJ) Hatch Select Green Chile Pi- 
cante Sauce (New Mexico) 
"This pleasantly hot, chunky sauce 

has a nice tomato-cilantro flavor. 


DDI House Rayu Hot Sesame Oil 
(Japan) 

A small drop of this adds immeasur- 

ably to stir-fried Oriental dishes. 


DID Inner Beauty Real Hot 
Sauce (Costa Rica) 

"rhe label on this very hor, chunky 

sauce waıns KEEP AWAY FROM PETS, OPEN 

FLAMES AND CHILDREN. THIS IS NOTA TOY. 


J) Jamaica Hell Fire Hot Pepper 
Concentrate 4 in 1 Triple Red 
Hot 

With fiery red pimiento flakes and 

seeds, this sauce also is quite salty 

and has a flavor of allspice. 

Louisiana Gem Hot Sauce 

A fairly mild, somewhat sweet sauce 

with a vinegar-and-orange flavor. 

DIP Matouk’s Hot Sauce (Trini- 

dad-Tobago) 

A thick, pungent sauce with an in- 

teresting mix of peppers, onions, 

garlic and mustard. 


JÌ Melinda's Original Habanero 
XXXtra Hot Sauce (Belize) 

Don't let its thin consistency and 
translucence fool you. It's potent 

J Montezuma Mexican Recipe 

Salsa Picante de Chile Chipotle 

This sauce is dark brown and has a 
mild, coffeelike flavor. 


DI) San Angel Autentica Salsa 
Chipotle (Mexico) 

This hot, smoky-fiavored sauce is 

thick, with lots of tomato bits, 

onions and pepper seeds. 


J Santa Fe Exotix Cactus Relish 
(New Mexico) 

A very salty condiment with a mild 

vegetable taste. 

DIDI Scotch Bonnet Jamaican Hot 

Sauce 

A classic Caribbean, no-holds- 

barred, brown-green sauce 

great heat and seasonings. 


JJJ} Tabasco (Louisiana) 

The granddaddy of hot sauces still 

offers a good fiery punch with an 

aged vinegar-based tang. 

JJ} Vernon’s Jamaican All Natural 
Jerk Sauce Hot & Spicy 

A dark-brown sauce with a very 

salty, caramelized sweet flavor that 

hints of vanilla. 


DI Westlow's Bonney Pepper 
Sauce (Barbados) 

This mild, chunky, mustard-yellow 

sauce pleasanily mixes onions, sug- 

ar and vinegar. _—IONNOLDCASTLE 


Ice (preferably a single large block) 

1 pint Russian vodka 

1 pint chilled tomato juice 

1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce 

1 jigger fresh-squeezed lime juice 

Celery salt, cayenne pepper and 

black pepper to taste 

Esta Si Pican (Mexican hot sauce) 

Put a big lump of ice in pitcher (“this 
10 prevent too-rapid melting and water- 
ing of our product”). Mix in vodka, 
tomato juice and Worcestershire sauce. 
Stin adding lime juice, celery salt, 
cayenne pepper and black pepper to 
taste, as well аз а few drops of Esta Si Pi- 
can (Tabasco may be substituted). Keep 
stirring and tasting to see how it's doing. 
Drink up. 


BARRY GOLDWATER'S ARIZONA CHILI 


1 Ib. ground beef 
4 tablespoons peanut cil or corn oil 
1 Ib. canned pinto beans 
1 6-02. can tomato purée 
9 cups chopped onion 
3 tablespoons chili powder 
1 tablespoon cumin 
teaspoon salt 
cup water 

In large skillet, brown beef in oil. Re- 
move meat and drain off excess grease. 
Add pinto beans, tomato purée and 
onion and sauté for about two minutes. 
Mix chili powder, cumin and salt into 
water and pour into skillet. Bring to a 
boil, add meat, lower to a simmer and 
cook for about 20 minutes. Serves six. 


GRILLED-TUNA TOSTADA WITH BLACK-BFAN 
MANGO SALSA AND AVOCADO VINAIGRETTE 
(from the Mesa Grill, New York) 


6 4-07. slices fresh tuna 
6 fried flour tortillas 
Black-Bean Mango Salsa: 
1 cup cooked black beans 
1 cup diced mango 
1 red onion, diced 
1 fresh jalapeno, diced 
% cup chopped cilantro 

% cup lime juice 

2 ozs. olive oil 

Salt and pepper to taste 

Avocado Vinaigrette: 

% avocado 

% fresh jalapeno 

2 tablespoons chopped red onion 

4 tablespoons lime juice 

1 tablespoon sugar 

1 cup olive oil 

Salt and pepper to taste 

Grill or sauté tuna until seared and 
still rare inside. In bowl, combine all sal- 
5a ingredients and mix well. In blender, 
mix all vinaigrette ingredients except 
olive oil, then slowly pour in olive oil to 
emulsify. On a plate, layer a flour tortilla 
salsa, then tuna, then vinaigrette 
Serves six. 

Hotsa plenty! 


AUTOMOTIVE REPORT 
(continued from page 124) 

is justifiably proud of the vehicle but ac- 
knowledges that people today are more 
concerned with fucl efficiency than when 
the monumental project began. Realisti- 
cally, the GOOSEL will account for only 
one percent of Mercedes’ sales volume. 
And most of the S-Class cars sold here 
will be the less expensive, more fue 
‚eihcient 300SEs, 400SEs and 5005E 

On the home front, Chevrolet's portly 
new Caprice continues to challenge 
Ford's fashionably slender Crown Victo- 
ria. Chevrolet jumped off to a big lead 
while it pumped units into police 
and taxi sales. With “real” consumers 
voting, the more contemporary-looking 
Crown Vic is battling back 

Full-size pickup trucks are an ex- 
tremely profitable category in the Unit- 
ed States, and one of the few that have 
yet to be penetrated by the Japan 
Detroit auto executives aren't holding 
their breath. Toyota is planning to intro- 
duce its own full-size pickup soon, a fact 
that particularly worries Ford and 
Chevrolet, the two top sellers 

Cadillacs Furo-styled 1999 Seville 
won early rave reviews, despite the fact 


that the long-awaited 32-valve North 
Star VS-equipped version won't be off 
the assembly line until 1993. Cadillac 
still concentrates its volume in the lower 
tier of the luxury price range, generat- 

x nearly 30 percent of its sales with 
program cars. Furthermore, the Seville 
is cheap to rent, which tends to diminish 
the car's prestige 

Even with the launch of its new Sat- 
urn, GM's real success story is Buick 
Four years ago, general manager Ed 
Mertz, along with marketing boss I 
win Clark, decided to return the division 
to the values that made Buick’s reputa- 
tion: “powerful, mature cars with mus- 
cular grace.” The philosophy holds true 
with the recently revived Roadmaster 
and the new-for-1992, supercharged 
Park Avenue Uhra. 

Aided by two back-to-back years of fa- 
vorable J. D. Power and Associates Initial 
ity Survey, Buick (the only Ameri- 
can make in the top ten) has staged a 
comeback. Its market share is up, and 
carlier this year, it briefly outsold Honda 
and nearly did the same to Toyota. Now, 
if Cadillac would push its model and 
price mix upward, instead of encroach- 
ing on Buick with cheap | 
could make some real progr 


THE BOOK THAT BLEW THE LIDOFF 


Japanese car makers have come a long 
way since their awkward first efforts 
in the Fifties. In addition to leading in 
new-car quality, they have a decided 
advantage: They know how to build cars 
at substantially lower prices than their 
competitors 


-R 


For example, Nissan's Sentra 5 


PLAYBOY'S 
WHEELS TO WATCH 


BONNEVILLE SSEi 


Pontiac continues to introduce Euro-look 
sedans. The $21,500 SSEi's twin air bogs, 
fraction control ond supercharged Vé 
engine marry safety ond performonce. 


MAZDA MX-3 


Under the hood of Mozdo's $13,000 MX- 
3 is the world's smallest У6—а 130-hp, 
24-volve engine. No wonder the MX-3 
outperforms the Poseo ond the NX 2000. 


BENTLEY CONTINENTAL R 


Bentley's 1952 Continental wos the 
Grond Tourer. Forty yeors loter, the Con- 
tinentol returns for $249,B00, powered 
by a 6.7-liter VB. Top speed: 145 mph. 


LEXUS SC 400 


Just as BMW discontinues ils classy 
6-Series coupes, Lexus debuts o US.- 
designed 242. The $38,000 SC's re- 
worked chossis ensures sporty hondling 


NISSAN NX 2000 


A stubby 300ZX, the $13,795 NX’ attrac- 
tive styling is the work af Nissan's Cal 
nia-based design studio. The lightweight 
NX 2000 boosts two liters and 140 hp. 


ACURA VIGOR 


The $23,000 Vigor bridges the gop be- 
tween the Integra ond the Legend. It's a 
five-cylinder mochine that's bigger ond 
more powerful than the Honda Accord. 


TOYOTA PASEO 


Perched on с Теге! plotform and 
equipped with a 100-hp, twin-cam en- 
gine, Toyota's $10,000 Poseo is one of 
severol new stylish mini sports coupes. 


CADILLAC SEVILLE 

Cadilloc must move upmorket to win 
bock Lexus ond luxury buyers. Even with- 
out the 32-valve VB coming in 1993, 
Seville is a step in the right direction. 


159 


PLAYBOY 


160 


offers a 16-valve, 140-hp engine and 
ABS brakes in an $11,370 sporty coupe 
thats lighter, more powerful and much 
less expensive than BMW's $28,000 
3181. 

What's more, the successful sales of 
Lexus and Infiniti have confirmed that 
Americans will switch from expensive 
European luxury sedans to new Jap- 
anese name plates if prices are right 
Competitors accused the Japanese of 
"dumping? these cars. A fascinating new 
book, The Machine That Changed the 
World, reveals just how they 

The book is the culmination of a fiv 
year, world-wide MIT study of the auto 
industry. Secrets of Japan's clever "lean 
production" show why the nese 
methodology Н endered traditional 
American mass production and Euro- 

afi" (largely hand-built) produc- 
sive and obsolete. Here's a 
shock: Toyota can build the Lexus LS 
4100 for one sixth the labor cost of a com- 
aropean luxury car. 
authors, James P Womack, 
„Jones and Daniel Roos, believe 
that American and European auto mak- 
ers will remain at a tremendous dis- 
advantage if they don't adopt lean 
production methodology, They make a 
convincing case that pursuing cheap la- 
bor (building cars in Brazil, Mexico, 
Spain, Korea, even eastern Europe) only 
With their pres- 


cant manulacture 
the Japanese can. 


CLASS OF THE FIELD 


With their competitive. price 
Lexus and Infiniti lured luxury-c 
ers away from virtually all other manu- 
facturers, including BMW, Mercedes, 


Volvo, even Cadillac and Lin- 
coln. Wrapping up its first full sales yea 
Lexus came within 112 units of BMW 
al sales. Infiniti moved about one 
i any cars as Lexus, but it's 


Jaguar, 


ume G20 domi sedan. - 
ularly impressed with the 
Lexus SC 400 coupe. Its svelte, aerody- 
namic shape was designed in Newport 
Beach, California, at Toyota's new Сану 
Design studios. The SC 400 employs a 
reworked LS 400 platform (but adds 
stiffer suspension, quicker steering, big- 
ger brakes and more aggressive 
and carries over the sedan's powerful 
Ор, four-cam V8 engine and smooth 
electronic automatic transmission. 
When BMW dropped its classy 6- 
Series and moved up to the larger, mor 
expensive ($77,700) 850i, it left a gaping 
hole. “Don't think we're not grateful,” 
d Lexus group vice-president Dave 
Illingworth. In contrast to European 
to makers, who charge a healthy premi- 
um for 2+2 coupes, Lexus priced its SC 
400 at $38,000—$1000 less than the LS 
400. A six-cylinder version, the SC 300, 
also will be available this fall. 


SAFETY: A GROWING PRIORITY 


After a cold reception a decade ago, 
when Lee Iacocca unsuccessfully pushed 
seat belts, padded dashes and deep-dish 
steering wheels, safety has once again 
become fashionable. A growing number 
of consumers are convinced that the ex- 
tra cost of a safe, well-engincered car is 
antamount to a surance policy 
European auto makers lead the pack 
when it comes to safety, but competition 
heating up. Volvo's long-term adver- 
tising focus is being challenged by Mer- 
cedes-Benz, which for decades quietly 


pioneered most safety advances, includ- 
ing air bags. Audi, Saab and lately even 
Subaru have developed safety pitche: 
And led by Honda, the Japanese are 
rushing to catch up. 

Back in the States, lacocca, once an 
air-bag foe, has now become the device's 
biggest advocate. And why not? Chry- 
sler's ads, which focus on inexpensive air 
bags and antilock brake systems, have 


helped stretch the appeal of its aging 
product line and are likely to continue 
di 


ng so until the highly touted mid- 
ed LH platform 

To 
makes, Germany's highly Sen ашо 
Motor und Sport magazine conducted а 
series of government-supervised crash 
tests—an expensive, politically sensitive 
proposition no car magazine in America 
would dare under 

Instead of running its eight 
head-on into a barrier, as most tests do, 
Auto Motor und Sport staged devastating 
55-mph offset crashes. In such crashes, 
one third of the auto hits an immovable 
object (in this case, a 100-ton concrete 
block), resulting in an impact in which 
all the damage forces are concentrated 
on the front (driver's side) corner rather 
than distributed across the car's width. 
The logic behind offset-crash tests is th: 
in a real accident, a driver will generally 
swerve to avoid head-on impact 

When the dust—and metal—settled, 
there were some big surprises. Although 
none ol the cars were equipped with am 
bags, the BMW 5-Series and the Mer- 
cedes-Benz 200 were closely matched in 
terms of minimizing injury. Keys to safe- 
ty here are a rigid cabin and well-built 
deformation area, or crush zone, which 
protect the driver. Volvo's 740 and Ni: 
san's Maxima were third and fourth, re 
spectively. In comparing the latter two, 
the study showed that the head of ше 
driver of the Volvo 740 was more li 
to strike the steering wheel, while the 
driver of the Maxima was likely to re- 
ceive severe leg injuries due to the 
downward movement of the steering 
column. 

The Acura Legend was among the 
extremely poor performers, “Occupy 
лісту could scarcely have been the deci- 
e factor behind [the Acura's] success,” 
said the magazine's testers. Others that 
proved even more hazardous included. 
the Renault 25, the Opel Omega (built 
by Germany's GM subsidiary) and the 
Fiat Croma. 


victims" 


Little is known about how American 
models would fare in offset crashes, 
which arent yet a part of the Depa 


ment of Transportation's test proce- 
dures. (The Germans are lobbying for 
them to be included, though.) We pr 
dict that safety concerns will continue to 
be a priorit 
are, you'll be hearing and re 


[v] 


ading more, 


BOOMTOWN 


(continued from page 136) 


the fat man, who was standing two fect 
from him, pointing into an open binder 
at a page with some sort of diagram on 
it. While the two of them went around 
оп the subject, 1 looked at my feet. They 
were planted not between (wo pieces of 
metal but in the center of a taut pattern. 
of moving cable and chain that would 
have easily delivered me every imagi- 
nable injury in a single stroke if some- 
thing had snapped. And if | had to 
jump, it was going to be straight back- 
ward off the rig floor and 20 feet to the 
ground, which was littered with angle 
iron and pipe collars 
It was the sort of moment I would 
have expected to deepen my general 
fright, but it didn't. True helplessness is 
relaxing in a strange way. Standing there 
with that many ways to die under my 
feet and over my head, I remember 
thinking there was absolutely nothing to 
do but trust that the motley collection of 
roughnecks and oil tramps on the floor 
ound me knew what they were doing 
id that in keeping themselves safe 
would accidentally keep me safe, too. 
And, little by little, I was learning. For 
instance, that a “cunt hair" is a specific 
unit of measure. Fits somewhere in the 
metric system between zero and a mil- 
limeter, as in “Bring it this way a cunt 
hair.” Goes with a gei l attitude that 
all this machinery to be fe- 
baby, turn, be a 
it sticks, “You 


sweetheart.” And whe 
whore, you bitch, you т 
. 

Two weeks into the job, shit rain began 
то fall one afternoon. The company man 
from Puma Oil showed up in the yard 
ready to yank the one field contract D 
and ] had working if Sonny didn't fire 
the entire evening crew. Sonny said he 
couldn't blame him for being mad: 
catching the whole crew passed out the 
way he had, around midnight, with 
the rig drilling on its own at about half 
the rate it should have been. The Puma 
man had waked them by throwing pipe 
collars against the steel walls of the dog- 
house, then told them to trip the string 
ош of the hole and put a new drill bit on 
the end. They told him to fuck off, which 
is not something you tell the man from 
Puma Oil unless—as Sonny put it 
sady to twist off and go see 
a. Which is exactly what Sonny 
had told them to do when he caught up 
with them. In their place, he had sent 
the fat man and a small crew into the 
hills to work evening tour, which was go- 
ing to amount to a double shift for them. 
alter their day in the yard 

1t was three in the morning when the 
phone “Listen,” Sonny said, “get 
your pants on. 1 need you to drive into 
the yard, get that Mex, Ramone. . . . Call 
Reno—his numbers by the time cards— 


tell him to bring his truck, then I want all 
three of you out at number sixteen as 
fast as you can get there. Tell Reno we 
probably got burned-up bearings.” 

Reno, Ramone and I drove through 
dark prairic till the topmost derrick light 
jumped into view, then all the derrick 
li; and the flat pad that had been cut 
from the hillside to accommodate the 
lonely opera тее pickups sat at 
the base of the rig, their headlights 
aimed at its huge motor. Two men were 
on the machine, using a small sledge on 
the handle of a long wrench. Five others 
stood in a tight semicircle below them, 
breathing steam into the cold air. 
ombitch is fused on there, said 
Sonny as the three of us joined the f 
man’s crew to watch. 

“Let me try it,” said the 

“Just stay right where you 
Sonny. “You done enough for tonight.” 

“She burned up?” said Reno. 

“I don't think so,” said Sonny. “Don't 
smell like it, anyways. 

“It just locked up 


man 


all," said the fat 
m: 


That's 'cause you tri 
the botiom without 

"The hell I did,” said the fat n 
1 done wa" 

“All you done was drive it like a fool,” 
Sonny. "And I ought to run your ass 
оша here for it." The fat man started to 
say something but swallowed it. His crew 
stood with their hand 
looking at the ground. 

Reno and Ramone got onto the cat- 

k and looked into the naked works. 
They talked, then Sonny sent Ramone to 
our truck for sort of hydraulic 
jacking device that they attached to the 
nub of what looked like le among 
the gears. Reno pumped the jack handle 
till he could barely move it. Sonny took 
over and put another ten strokes on it, 
then stopped and shook his head. “Fuck- 
s deep froze in there,” he said. 

Ramone pointed to the biggest of the 
gear wheels and pantomimed half a 
turn. “Might work,” said Sonny, then he 
climbed a ladder onto the floor, to the 
controls. 

1 put at least 15 feet between myself 
and the rig as the huge engine fired, and 
even so, Ї wanted to plug my cars. I 
because nobody else did. Not that 
it would have done any good against the 
awful roar, which came after my whole 
body, tu 
bones and my blood. 

Marlin walked over to me and said 
something. I pointed to my ears and 
made a signal that meant kablooic. He 
leaned closer and shouted, “Don't think 
anybody knows what the hell they re do- 
g around here. 
Reno came down off the catwalk and 
told the fat man and the rest of his crew 
хо stand aside. Marlin and I were far 
enough out that he didn't say anything 


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to us, and we stood where we were. Ra- 
mone left the ў 
stepped out of the face of the machine 
Sonny waved, then dropped the engine 
into gear. The motor su 
shuddered, the pipe stands hangi 
the derrick rattled, something snapped 
and the steel bar they had been working 
to free exploded out of the guts of the 
machine and harpooned 15 fect straight 
into Marlin’s chest. He went onto his 
back without a sound, arms spread, 
fingers stiff, eyes wide open and fixed 
desperately on me. I got onto my knees 
next to him and almost immediately felt 
hands on the seruff of my jacket as some- 
one threw me out of the м When I got 
a look, the fat man was kneeling where I 
had knelt, breathing steam into Marlin's 
eerie st 
The engine noise died into a terrible 
quiet as Marlin's crewmates scrambled 
to him, Reno arrived just behind 
them, shouldered in, got io one knee, 
then said, “АШ right, all right . . . 
alive. . . . Don't touch him уе 
fat man rocked back on his haunch- 
es, picked the steel bar out of the mud, 
looked at it, then stood and screamed, 
“Sons of bitches... motherfucking sons 
of motherfucking bitches. . . ." 
Sonny stopped halfway down the rig 
steps when he saw the lat man turn and 
cock his arm, then whip the heavy bar 
through the straight at him. The 
strength of the throw was unbelievable. 
"The bar missed Sonny but ricocheted off 
the steel stairs behind him and into his 


ned, the rig 


gin 


p. He hugged the handrail to keep his 
footing, and when he looked, the fat 
man was moving toward him, Sonny 
pulled his sheath knife. "Come on, 
cocksucker,” he said, as if things were 
just ge 


him. Sonny was smiling. "Thats it, ass- 
hole,” he said. “You're run off, you hear? 
This whole motherfucking mess is your 
fault and I want you the fuck outa here. 
You go ahead and get that man to the 
hospital, then drop that truck off in the 


“I mean it, now,” said Sonny. “I ain't 
gonna fuck with you no more. Just get 
on down the road.” 

All of us had frozen when the fat man 
threw the steel, and all of us were still 
frozen as the two of them stood there, 
one with a knile and one in a rage. 

"For Chrissakes, this man's hurt bad!” 
Reno shouted. 

The fat man looked at the group hud- 
dled over Marlin, then turned back 
pointed at Sonny. “You and I 
finished,” he said. 

“Unless you want this up your 
said Sonny, shaking his knife, but the far. 
man had already started for the truck. 

Marlin had begun to shiver badly, and 
his eyes had closed. I stood and felt my 
own shakes, felt the blood rush to my 
head and had to sit again. I crawled back 
into the group about the time Ramone 


"Hope I haven't kept you waiting loo long, dear!" 


g good. "You want some of 


came fr 
kets. Then all of us 
wrapped him and set him ge 
to the mud. 

"The fat man backed the pickup to us. 
"There was a discussion as to whether 
Mailin would be betier off in the front 
seat or stretched out in the cargo bed, in 
the cold. 

^His chest 
Reno. “I doi 
up. 

“Just get our the way,” said the fat 
man, then he lifted M. as if he were 
a sleeping child, carried him to the cab 
and slumped him onto the seat. The rest 
of his crew were barely into the bed of 
the tuck by the time the fat man 
gunned the engine. threw two muddy 
rooster tails, gained the road and disap- 
peared around the hillside. 

He gonna be all right? 
Reno when he reached us. 


m the doghouse with two blan- 
lifted. Marlin, 
ly back in- 


s probably caved,” said 
її know about sitting him 


Sonny asked 


“I don't know, said Reno. “Pretty 
bad." 
“Damn,” said Sonny. “I waved every- 


body out of the way." 

As Reno walked toward the rig, Sonny 
took my arm and walked me toward the 
trucks. “Listen,” he said. “I want you to. 
know 1 was watching you. I knew that 
thing was maybe gonna let go, but I 
thought you was far enough back, 1 
swear I did. [Us the kind of thing you 
can't always tell. This ain't tiddlywinks.” 

1 didn't say anything. 

“You ain't gonna quit on me, 


re you?" 


zy for me. I 


don't belong here." 
“Nobody belongs here,” he said. “It: 
just a place you end up at. And as long as 


п sorry, | can't do this,” I told him. 

“What I need you to do is drive into 
the yard and make some calls is all. Want 
you to phone the hospital, see how that. 
boy's doing, then call up the boss and tell 
him what happened. You can do that, 
can't you?" I nodded. 1 tell the boss 
well have this thing up and drilling by 
the time the morning tour gets here. 
"Then you wait in the yard till the other 
hands get in, tell епа just sit ight.” 

. 

I killed three rabbits on my long wa 
back over the ragged dirt track toward 
town. | told myselfit couldn't be helped. 
1 was working against the kind of fatigue 
that follows a deep scare, using wh: 
small focus I 1 left to hold the т 
and to remind myself that I w i 
yet; that the awful worst u: 
away from the crux; that 
ou never hear the shot th 
y time I'd braced my- 
self against the promise of violenee— 
whether it was hanging by chains and 
cables over my head or getting m 


ad 


drunk on the stool next to me—nothir 
had happened. 

First light was turning to pale halo 
over rhe eastern hills by the time I pulled 
through the open yard gate. I used the 
kcys Sonny had given me to let myself 
into the big shed, found the boss's num- 
ber and dialed it. While it rang, 1 re- 
hearsed a short version of the evening 
We had a man hurt out on number 16 
tonight. Sonny thinks you ought to go by 
the hospital, but he says don't worry, 
they'll have the tig fixed by the time the 
day crew comes on. 

When there was no answer, I called in- 
formation, then the hospital. I asked the 
woman who answered if they'd admitted 
oil-rig injury. 

“Name?” she said. 

“I only know his first name, Marlin," 1 
told her. There was along pause. 


“You have no last name at all?” she 
said 
“Мо, I don't," I said. "But come on. 


How many rig casualties can there have 
been tonightz 
Three," she said in an almost bored 
tone 

Chest injury, I told her Probably 
brought in within the past hour: She put 
me on hold again. “Who are you?” she 
said when she came back on the line 

“A friend. I'm with the same company 
I was there when it happened.” 

“Well,” she said. “The doctor's with 
him, but it looks like a crushed sternum, 
maybe a collapsed lung. We're trying to 
ange a life flight for him to Salt Lake." 
Is he going to make it?” I asked 
Critical but stable,” she said. 

“What about the men who brought 
him in?" I asked her. 

‘They left when I called the police 
The big one threatened the doctor. He 
seems to have a mental problem.” 

1 tried the boss again, and when there 
was still no answer, I walked back to the 
truck, started the engine for heat, lay 
at and slept 
I woke to a noise at the driv 
It was B.J., a driller from the 
other crew. 

“How'd you get promoted into a 
truck? 

Llooked at my watch. It was a little afi- 
er seven. Lrolled the window down and 
told him the story. 

Other bands arrived, drifted over: 
‘They listened as if they'd heard it before: 
Rig down, man hurt, a face-off with 
knives, a whole crew sent packing —just 
another day at the office, just another 
violent night in the middle of nowhere 
drilling for oil 

The catering truck arrived and most 


across the s 


side 


window. 


he said 


of us walked over for coffee. 
"Where's Tom now?" 
hands. 
“1 don't know,” I said. "Last report, 
from the nurse at the hospital, he was 
still ina rage. Sonny told him to drop the 


said one of the 


truck off or he'd have him arrested. I 
don't know if he'll show or not.” 

"The boss's truck came into the yard. 
When he saw the bunch of us idling at 
the lunch truck, he drove over and 
barked out the window at us, "Having à 
tea party, are we?” He looked as if he 
hadn't slept, as if sleep wouldn't have 
done him any good, anyway. 

"The I said. 

“There's gonna be trouble, all right. 
Where the hell's Reno? Where's Sonny?” 

“Out on number sixteen,” I said. “We 
had a man hurt last night. Pretty bad, 1 
think. The rig went down. We went out. 
to fix" 

“What the hell you mean, the rig went 
down?” he said. 

I was about to answer when a compa- 
ny truck splashed into the yard with 
Sonny and Reno in the front. Ramone 
was in the back. They parked next to the 
shed, then walked to the boss's truck. 

For the next five minutes, we watched 
as Sonny stood by the boss's window, 
making large gestures, appealing to 
Reno for witness, yelling sometimes, lis- 
tening while the boss yelled at him. 

1 was getting a second cup of coffee 
when a small plane lified out from be 
hind the northern hills, banked west and 
climbed into the bright sky. I thought it 
might be Marlin, hoped it was. 

The boss finished whatever he was 
saying to Sonny, then spun his truck into 
a wide U-turn He came ont of it near 
the gate, then stood hard on the brakes 
just in time to make a skidding nose-to- 
nose stop with the last of the company 
pickups 

The fat man sat motionless behind the 
wheel, staring at the boss through the 
muc-splattered windshield. What was 
left of his crew piled out of the truck and 
backed away as if it were ticking. The 
boss waved his arm, meaning Back it 
out, then he honked his horn, which 
made me think he didn't quite under- 
stand the awful promise of the moment 
1 did, and found myself looking around 
for cover, something to duck under or 
behind if the y 
into the O.K. Corral. 

The boss threw his gear shift into 
k, flung open his door, then walked 
the fat passenger window, 
where he made another angry move-it 
gesture and started to yell something 
Whatever it was, he didn't get to finish it, 
because the fat man hit the gas, blew the 
boss off the door, smashed lor ward into 
the empty truck in front of him, then 
shuddered it straight back аст the 
yard till steam burst from his radiator 
and the engine died. 

"There was a stunned silence. Sonny 
broke it by yelling at Reno to call the 
cops. The fat man 
restart the stalled pickup, then climbed 
out, glanced slowly around the yard a 
all of us, then faced Sonny with a look 


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that was beyond anger, beyond fear, full 
of the kind of insanity that has no heat, 
that seems to be coming up out of the 
t eye of a terrible storm that's about 
10 break. 

Sonny pulled his knife, but he didn’t 
look like he wanted this round. 

“You might as well just back off fore it 
gets any worse," he said, but there was 
no authority to it, none of the hot blood 
that had seen him through the first 
standoff. Then, as if his knife had begun 
to feel small under the circumstances, he 
added, “The cops is on their way.” 

The fat man got a small tight smile 
around his mouth, This is it, I thought, 
The streets of Laredo. But it wasn't. In- 
credibly, he turned quietly and walked 
for the gate, almost sauntering. 1 
couldn't believe it. 1 don't think anybody 
else believed it, either, because no one 
moved a step. Except the boss, who gave 
the fat man wide berth as he strolled 
calmly through the gate and out of the 
yard. 

Maybe he’s going to get a gun, I 
thought as we watched him disappear 
among the heavy equipment that was 


parked in the yard next to ours 
“Did 1 miss something? Is it over?" 
said BJ. 


“Looks like it,” I said. 

"Don't feel like it,” he said. 

A relieved sort of milling took up 
among the hands around the coffee 
on. Ramone walked past on his way to 
his camper, shaking his head. Sonny hol- 
stered his knife, then met the boss at the. 
crumpled trucks. 

“Least now you see what Im d. 
with," Sonny said. 

‘The boss gave him a disgusted look. 
“Just get one of these trucks running so I 


aling 


an up your 


About the time Sonny got the hood 
up, a police cruiser rolled into the yard 
without lights or siren, The boss waved it 
over, then squatted at the driver's door 
and spoke to the young cop behind the 
wheel. Sonny bent into the conversation 
with his two cents; then, as the two of 
them stood to point to the yard next 
door, a diesel revved somewhere among 
the parked earth movers and the biggest 


of the yellow bulldozers backed, turned 
and began a heavy crawl for the fence. 
There were shouts of “Holy shit!” and 


“Oh, my fucking God!” as the huge cat 
folded the chain link like chicken wire 
under its treads, then took an angle for 
Ramone's camper. Ramone had one foot 
on the rear step and the other in the 
amper before he realized the full lum- 
bering truth ofthe moment. He jumped 
free just as the teeth of the bucket 
pierced the tinny shell, then smeared it 
sideways off the bed ofthe truck. 

The cop used his radio, then unracked 
the gun on his dashboard and stood out 
of the car to watch with the rest of us as 
the fat man lifted the dozer's shovel and 
dropped it onto the cab of Ramone's 
truck. 

"Shoot the fucker!” yelled Sonny. The 
cop took a step out from behind h 
cruiser, then stepped back as the big ma 
chine swung in our direction, snorted 
black smoke and rolled straight at us. 

We scattered like rats. I ran a wide 
to the rig and scrambled up onto the 
floor with Ramone. Others made for the 
gate, where the catering truck 
ran them down on its panicked 
of the yard. Reno and the boss headed 
for the shed, along with B,J. and the fat 
man’s orphaned crew. 


“Up until now, the hunters have enjoyed a distinct 
advantage in firepower!” 


Sonny was the last to move. The cop 
peeled out in reverse, which left Sonny 
between the dozer and the dead compa- 
ny trucks, where, for one dumb mo- 
ment, he stood like a rodeo clown ove 
downed cowboy, waiting for the big ye 
low bull to veer. Finally, he ran and a sec- 
ond later the fat man slammed the 
dozer full-on into both trucks, shauering 
the windshields, blowing the front tires, 
crushing the hoods. Then he backed up, 
raised the bucket and began a brutal sort 
of detail work on the boss's truc 

There were sirens from two directions 
as three more police cars converged on 
the gate and skidded in next to the cop 
who had answered the first call. They 
talked while the fat man destroyed the 
second pickup. 

When the police had a plan, six of 
them walked through the gate in a loose 
phalanx, riot helmets on, visors down, 
shotguns pointed into the air. They 
stopped when the fat man disengaged 
from the ruined trucks and headed for a 
fresh one, the last of the company pick- 
ups, the one I had driven into the yard 
and parked next to the shed. As he went 
to work on it, the nervous police formed 
a wide horseshoe around the machine, 
and one of them used a bullhorn. What- 
ever he said was lost in the noise of the 
last truck's slaughter and the ripping of 
the aluminum shed wall. Finally, at a sig- 
nal from the cop with the bullhorn, one 
of the officers got to one knee and low- 
ered the barrel of his gu 

It was a strange moment, because, in a 
way, from the time Ud gained my safety 
on the rig floor, I'd felt myself rooting 
for the fat man, liking him, admiring the 
justice of his rampage, hoping that be- 
fore they figured out how to stop him, 
he'd pound every vehicle to scrap and 
leave the whole dangerous, drunken, 
sloppy operation out of business, 

Now it looked like they were going to 
shoot him. Not that he seemed to care. 
The sight of the police and their guns 
hadn't broken his workmanlike concen- 
‘ation at all. He finished the third com- 
pany truck while the cop with the 
bullhorn issued a last warning, then 
turned his cool fury to the demolition of 
the shed itself. 

1 winced as the shot went off, saw the 
shooter duck ward out of the hail of 
pellets that ricocheted over him off the 
engine block. And whatever he hit, it was 
a kill shot: one diesel cough and the doz- 
er went dead—bucket frozen in the à 
angling an unfinished mouthful of 
aluminum paneling. 

The fat man was the first to move: 
Slowly, carefully, he took off his hard- 
„ hung it on a gear lever, leaned back 
in his seat, looked at the guns, then 
around the yard at ruins of the company 
fleet. Then he smiled. Miller time. 


LENNY LIVES! „ал pase 88 


«e 


The wife is a schlub, wearing this short-sleeved dress 


and a vaccination mark as big as a basketball." 


speaks to us most clearly from the period 
of his halcyon days in the late Fifties, be- 
fore his struggles with the law, and with 
himself, took their deadly toll; in incom- 
“Religions, Inc.,” 


parable bits such а 
“Thank You, Masked Man, та, 
Ohio" and "Comic at the Palladium," all 
of which can still be found at record 
stores throughout the country. Hear the 
is, laugh at the bits, and the rest of 
Lenny' life comes into focus. 
. 

1 wanted him to play Berkeley. 1 said, 
Your problem is you're working with the par 
ents. They're the assholes and the hypocrites. 
The children coming up think like you think, 
but you're not catering to them. I want you to 
go and play the colleges, Lenny.’ He said, "No, 
I'm too old, I'm thirty-nine years old, I'm 
much too old to be working in front of those 
people." E said, "You know who you're working 
1o? You're working to the enemy, aud you're 
not going ta change them. But you go with the 
kids, you'll be a hero.” And 1 was right. He 
went to Berkeley and he was such a hit he was 
in shock. They tore up all the test papers, the 
little books, and threw the pieces in the air 


He thought you had to be nineteen years old 
lo convince the kids that what you're saying 
is right.” 

. 

On the simplest level, "Lima, Ohio" 
details the rigors of the road—a comic 
schlepping and spritzing his way through 
Middle America. Audiences are a drag, 
and the worst part is that some of the 
dullest customers want to make friends 
(Instead of going the obvious route with 
cartoon rednecks, Lenny saddles himself 
with provincial Jews—“the wife is a 
schlub, she's wearing this short-sleeved 
dress and she's gota vaccination mark as 
big as a basketball”—who wake him up 
at his motel at the crack of dawn, invite 
him to their home and show him their 
closets so he can sce how well all their 
towels arc folded.) 

Back in those days, most of American 
cultural life was the big snooze. The 


straight face—told school kids to crouch 
beneath their desks in the event of nu- 
clear attack. To understand what an elec- 
trifying figure Lenny became, one must 
realize just how sheltered his audience 
was. Ten-letter words? Hey, a movie 
called The Moon Is Blue shook the nation 
by retaining, in the face of implacable 
opposition from Hollywood's Produc- 
tion Code and the Roman Catholic Le- 
gion of Decency, a six-letter word in its 
frothy dialog. The word was virgin 
. 

“The teacher called me one time and ] went 
to meet her in the principal's office. She said, 
"Your child is very vulgar’ 1 said, ‘What did 
he say?’ He said а four-letier word.’ 1 said, 
"Really? I talk that way, too. Is there some- 
thing wrong in that? I never killed anybody 
with it.’ Then I got mad. ‘By the way,’ 1 said, 
how much money do you make?’ Who knows 
what they made back then—a couple of thou 
sand а year, maybe—but 1 said, ‘Why are you 
wasting lime worrying about a kid who said a 
four-letter word? You're teaching the next gen- 
eration that’s going to be here, and they're 
learning that some four-letter word is dirty? 
Why don't you get other teachers together from 
а couple of schools and go to Washington and 
see if you can get more money?” 


were the Eisenhower years of . 
y values, steady striving, 
dedicated consumerism and bland pa- Lone Ranger as an insufferable Jewish 
ternalism, when Father knew best and moralizer who's too haughty or re- 
Commission—with a pressed to wait around for so much as a 


By the time Lenny portrayed the 


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PLAYBOY 


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thank you from people he has helped, 
the masked man of radio fame had al- 
ready become a semicamp icon, except 
that camp, in the lexicon of the Fifties, 
still meant a place where kids went in the 
to swim. What made “Thank 
so perfect was the 
surrcal unfolding of the parody, though 
many people at the time found it as 
difficult to follow as the shorthand film 
guage of Jean-Luc Godard's Breath- 
less, which did away with most conven- 


ппу begins laconical 
ly, "about a man who's better than Christ 
nd Moses—the Lone Ranger Who 
nts Tonto so he can perform an un- 


E 
natural act with him. Who never waits 


for a thank you, because he cant dea 
with intimacy. He also wants to do it with 
that white horse. . . .” 

To many writers and critics of the day, 
such gags were more than startling, they 
were sick. Sick was the fourth estate’s fa- 
vorite sobriquet for Lenny. though Herb 
Caen, a San Francisco columnist, w 
one of the first to rise to Lenny's defense 
(other eloquent defenses came later 
m such writers as Ralph Gleason and 
Nat Hentoff) with a column that began. 
"They call Lenny Bruce a sick comic— 
and sick he is. Sick of the pretentious 
phoniness of a generation that makes his 
ious humor meaningful." 

As for Lenny himself, he knew exactly 
is att 


ks on 


he was doing, even if 
tension and hypocrisy were swirled 
together in a shaman's brew of sexuality 
and flipped-out invective- In one of his 
many recorded versions of the Lone 
Ranger bit, he adds a self-serving, self- 
revealing coda: 

"One day someone will 
Thank You, Masked Mans. 


s There a 


no mor 
The Messiah has returned. You sce, men 
like yourself and Lenny Bruce, you 


thrive on the continuance of segre 

tion, violence and dise 

pure, you re in the shithou 
Not to worry about pu 


in the recent tradition of gs 
Bruce were to reappear with his psyche 
as well as his physique intact, he would 


find the comic's trade more challenging 
than ever. 

Not because of outright censors 
though he would doubtless incu 
fundamentalist wrath of the Rever 
. Wildmon and his Ameri 

iation, along with that of the 
sorted know-nothings who go i 
rock lyrics, the National Endowment for 
the Arts and such dens of cultural iniqui 
ty as the Cincinnati museum that dis- 
played Robert Mapplethorpe’s photos. 

Rather, Lenny would come back to a 
future weirder than the landscape of h 
most surreal bits, Who knows how he 
would address himself to the ee 
blandness of poll-driven politics, the 
amoral horror of the homeless sprawled 


on our sidewalks, the dumbing down of 
TV news, the sanctimonies of George 
Bush and Spike Lee, the earnestness of 


Dances with Wolves, the loony lexicons of 


"collateral damag 
against the handicapped as “ableism, 
which was recently defined by a Smith 
College handout as “oppression of the 
differently abled by the temporarily 
able”? Lenny himself was differently 
abled, God knows, though far from lec 5 
ing handicapped, he pat 
ences into his strength, hi: 
е 

“Lenny was insecure, He went to six differ- 
ent. public schools before he graduated from 
the eighth grade. Six. He really had more ex- 


weapon. 


What's the Difference 
Between Lenny Bruce 
and Andrew Dice Clay? 
By Paul Krassner 


enny Bruce 
Andrew Dice Clay has an atı 
tude. Lenny's persona was gen- 
de, Clay's is harsh. Lenny's act 
exuded сопу Clay's reeks 
of hostility. Lenny was humble. 
Clay is smug. d to lib- 
crate taboos. Clay exploits them. 
Lenny challenged stercotypes. 
Clay perpetuates ‘em. Lenny was 
complex. Clay is onc-dimension- 
al. Lenny was poignant. Clay is 
pathetic. Lenny tried to unite 
people. Clay seems to divide 
them. Lenny loved subtlety. [t 
seated. Lenny 
aimed for the highest common 
denominator. Clay aims for the 
lowest. Lenny wi 
lent. Clay is a flash in the pan. 
Lenny fought for freedom of ex- 
the ultimate ris 


of that freedom. 


perience than the average child. He kept it all 
inside, bul he had all the facts down. Lenny 
was also very shy. He didn't have what 1 had. 
What 1 had came from necessity. My mother 
wasn't а well woman. She was a child abuser. 
F always had to run away and hide. And my 
father used to say, ‘If the neighbors ash what's 
happening, you tell them nothing, your moth- 
er just got mad." Everything was a secret, a 
disgrace. It was a disgrace to be mentally ill. 
And probably with a Valium, she wouldn't 
have been mentally ill, but I was ashamed of 
my background and J thought the whole world 
knew my mother was crazy. That's why 1 be- 
came the eccentric that 1 was; I went my oun 
way just lo break ош of it, you know, and for 
no reason at all, I would make everyone 
laugh. You can understand thal, can't you? 


And Lenny went his own way because he 
found three impressions that he could do." 
. 

That last remark needs transliteration, 
from the Oedipal into the literal. (Not to 
lean too heavily on a mother's devotion 
to her son, but Sally, who started doing 
comedy three before Lenny did 
and shared some of his early material, 
still says things like, “It was a very un- 
usual relationship that I had with my 
kid; we were like one person.”) The 
three impressions—of James Cagney, 
Edward G. Robinson and Humphrey 
Bogari—were the ones that Lenny dic 

st radio appearance, in 1948, on 
Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts. 

Listening to a tape of that ancient de- 
but—Larry Josephson used an excerpt 
rom the Godfrey show in his documen- 
tary for public radio—you' re struck at 
first by the humble beginnings of 
Lenny's humor: Those impressions of 
Cagney, Robinson and Bogart hardly 
hinted at his eventual emergence as a 
unique force in contemporary comed 
By the same token, the impressions 
charmingly warped: They're all filtered 
through the persona of a Bavarian com- 
ic with a quasi-Hitlerian accent. While it 
took the studio audience a few moments 
to catch on. they ended up laughing up- 
roariously. Lenny had, indeed, gone hi 
own way. 

But what road did he think he was on? 
Young comies don't set out to be unique 
forces, they simply do whatever it takes 
to be funny and to make people laugh. 
That's what Lenny did, too. Like all of 
his contemporaries in the funnyman 
business, he tinkered with ordinary 
jokes in routinely mechanical way: 
What's the setup? What's the payoff? 
Polish the delivery. Adjust the timing. 


The first joke he ever did on religion 


dan odd, I, it was 
only a joke 

“1 wied to find a statue of Christ today, 
and I tried to talk to priests, and no one 
would talk to me, but I finally got a 
chance 10 talk to one, and he sold me a 
chance on a Plymouth 

But Lenny soon improved on his 
mundane notion of a priest peddling 
Me tickets, clevating a gag into the 
ıd of abstract fantasy that became his 
hallmark: 

"The Dodge-Plymouth dealers had a 
convention, and they raffled off a 1958 
Catholic church.” 

That was something new. That was an 
audacious idea with a twist that made 
you gasp before you laughed. And that, 
as he explained in his autobiograph 
was the beginning of “Religions, Inc. 

. 

It’s hard to believe that "Religio 
Inc.” is more than three decades old; the 
bit still sounds like a contemporary rc- 
sponse to the TV pitchmen, such as Jim 
Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart, who kept 


onoclastic edge; sti 


insisting, until their recent comeup- 
pance, that their shows were sponsored 
by God. But “Religions, Inc." did, i 
deed, burst upon the scene in the late 
Fifties, and it was more than a piece of 
prophecy; the routine posed grave dan- 
gers to Lenny's caree 

That was a time, after all, when most 
Americans sull went to church on Sun- 
day, Billy Graham ruled the pop-prayer 
roost, evangelists such as Oral Roberts 
were revered by their radio flocks and. 
four or five years before John E Ken- 
nedy, prejudices ran so high that few 
people thought a Roman Catholic could 
ever be President. 

Along came Lenny Bruce, an outspo- 
ken Jew with yet another of his la- 
conic/anarchic fantasies, this one about 
a merchandising operation, called Re- 
ligions, Inc., that resembled, in some 
versions of the routine, a national corpo- 
ration's sales conference and, in oth 
an ad agency on. Madison Avenue or a 
theatrical booking agency on Broadway. 
Whatever the referents may have beeı 
the picture of organized religion as big 
business was abundantly clear, and some 
of the dialog seemed diabolically 
spired, as when Oral Roberts ta 
lect call from his boss in Rome, the newly 
clected Pope John: 

“Hello, Johnny, what's shakin', baby? 
Yeah, the. puff of smoke knocked me 
Out. . .. Got an eight-page layout with 
Viceroy: "Ihe New Pope Is a Thinking 
Man.’ .. . Hey, listen, Billy wants to know 
if you can get him a deal on one of them. 
Dago sports cars. . . . When you comin’ 
to the Coast? I can get you the Steve 
Allen show the nineteenth. . . . Wear the 
big ring. . . . Yeah, sweetie, vou cool it, 
too. ... No, nobody knows you're Jew- 
ish! 

When Lenny t unleashed “Reli- 
gions, Inc.” upon a devout world, he 
had his own flock, a small if devoted 
group that loved it. But larger, immeas- 
urably more powerful groups were 
deeply offended by it and despised 
One of those groups was the police, who 
re still predominantly Roman Cath- 
ncisco, Chicago and New 
York. While Lenny's use of drugs made 
him vulnerable to harassment, and his 
use of dulcet endearments such as cock- 
sucker set him up as a favored target for 
bluenoses, his broadsides against orga 
ized religion made it certain that the au- 
thorities would seek him out, knock him 
down and try to crush him. That's w 
happened, with increasing frequency, 
after narcotics arrests in Los Angeles. 
idelphia and obscenity busts in 
ncisco and Chicago. The climax. 
ame in New York, in 1964, at a time 
when the city, and its district attorney, 
Frank Hogan, happened to be under 


es a col- 


siege from Operation Yorkville, an ant 
smut crusade organized by a local rabbi 
a Luthe minister and a holic 
priest. 


E 

“When Lenny was younger, ГА say, ‘You 
think you'd like to be a lawyer? You think 
you'd like to be this or that?’ I was trying to 
fish out of him what he liked, so he could do it. 
He'd say, 1 don't know what I want to be. 
Maybe Fl be a fireman; what do 1 know? Why 
are you asking me now?” See, he ad-libbed his 
whole life away.” 

. 

Lenny did become a lawyer, in his 
fashion. By the time his New York trial 
began, he was physically ill, irreversibly 
drugged, getting obese and starting to 
talk of suicide. (Although he was found 
guilty in that tri 4 others, all of hi 
‘obscenity convictions were reversed ай- 
er his death.) During the proceedings, 
which lasted almost six months, and 
which Albert Goldman called “the great- 
est obsce: in history" Lenny 
received passionate support from an il- 
lu: succession of defense witnesses 
represented by a team of top- 
notch attorneys. 

Yet he drove his own lawyers half-mad 
ith his muddled interpretations of the 
law; and at the end of the trial, just be- 
fore his sentencing, he made a frantic, 
barely coherent appeal to the court. “Let 
me testify, please, Your Honor, don’ 
shi mc ull i ss," Lei 
said. "I have no job. I got out of the hos- 
pital to come here. . .." But it was too 


slow busin 


Men are yust 
immature and 
pleasure-seeking. 


life 


late. The trial was over and Lenny 
was drawing to its tortured end 
б 

omic at the Palladium," that was him, 
that was really Lenny. He kept doing all those 
dumb jokes al first and 1 said to myself, He's 
not gonna make it, he'll get out of the busi- 
ness. And, sure enough, after the Arthur God- 
frey show and his first appearance on 
Broadway, at the Strand, he came home very 
depressed and he was looking out the window 
and 1 said, I know what's the matter, Lenny. Т 
knou what you're thinking.’ He said, What? 
1 said, "You're thinking about the next boat 
that’s goin’ out.” He said, “Ma, how did you 
know? 1 said, ‘I lived with you long enough to 
know who you are." And that’s what he did, he 
joined the merchant seamen for a while 


in, there's a 
who bombs. 


Frank Dell, isn't a comic at all; 
he's a compost heap of bad 
should have been buried with the 
wheezy jokesmiths who churned them 
out. But Frank doesn't know he isn't fu 
ny, which is why we find him hil. 
and a bizarre object of pity and comp: 
sion. This unquenchable twerp from 
Sherman Oaks, in the San Fernando Val- 
ley, this blank slate unsullied by the 
slightest seratchings of self-knowledge, 
thinks he has been a failure all these 
years because his agent has gotten him 
the wrong bookings 

By common agreement, “Comic at the 
Palladium” is Lenny's best work, a 


Versus what? 
Mature and 
Seeking misery? 


167 


168 


WHERE 


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dense, complex piece whose sleazy hero 
yearns to graduate from the same low- 
night clubs and strip joints 

Lenny started out. One reason i 
so well is its dramatic structure. 
the first moment the comi 


ге 


From 
confronts the 
s not just a better booking he 


wants but the very best, London's Palla- 
m theater—we know he's going to 
bomb; the only question is how horribly. 

Frank gets to the Palladium, of course, 
then waits in the wings, listening to one 
sensational act after another, When he 
finally goes out on stage, he gives them 
the best he's got, which is not merely in- 
sufficient but, in the eyes of the English 
audience, the next worst thing to noth- 
ing: The deadly gags about Las Veg 
the motel jokes, the Army jokes, the Al 
Jolson impression, the dying jo 


s, no one comes to 
k Dell's funeral, 
death of a comic, and Lenny Bruce's 
most masochistic fantasy, with an an- 
guishingly funny climax that he might 
have dictated during the darkest night 
of his soul. 


. 

“We had a conversation two days before he 
died. I'll never forget, he wore a gray-and- 
white shirt and he was in such pain, they'd 
taken away his cabaret license m New York 
and everyone knew he was losing the Holly- 
wood hause. He said, `I really think 1 failed at 
what 1 tried.' 1 said, "Don't say that; 1 think 
you're a big success, because you stuck to what 
You believed in? He said, 1 don't know, 1 


don't know what the fuck 1 was thinking 
about. I thought 1 could show them a way to 
care; instead of feeling hatred, I wanted to 
wipe out all the hypocrisy, bul it's like opera, 
nol everyone loves opera, only a handful of 


people would go along with me on that. . . 
P 


is written. 
into their contr tumultuous: 
world that has more pressing things to 
do than laugh. And the stronger the 
comic's moral or ethical tives, the 
more indined he'll be to conclude that 
was for nought, that jokes don't 
change the course of his T 
a blue moon, о 


Con 


once 
com 
ema percep! 
That's what Lenny did wi 
funny fantasies. In his 
cans liked to snooze, 
crazed best to wake them up. In о 
the culture suffers (rom snooze depriva- 
tion. People that chaos threatens to 
engulf them, so they stay anxiously 
awake, but switch off, veg out, gaze 
pretend that all is well when its 
patently not. And the: no L 
Bruce to sound the alarm. 


El 


so he 


STEVE CONWAY 


ON- THE 


SCENE 


—— WHOLE LOT OF SHAKIN’ GOING ON 一 一 一 


ocktails are back in style, and to make them correctly, 
you need the appropriate glassware and, of course, a 
cocktail shaker, But forget the kind of choreographed 
moves that Tom Cruise and Bryan Brown used in the 
movie Cocktail. A strong over-the-shoulder rock with the shaker 
to the count of ten will do just fine. And remember, ice goes into 


the shaker first, alcohol last. That way, all the ingredients are 
properly cooled. Also, use new cubes for each drink; shaken ice 
has already begun to melt. “Never point the shaker at anyone or 
use club soda in it,” says Ray Foley, the publisher of Bartender 
Magazine, "unless your girlfriend is wearing a T-shirt and wants to 
have whatever you're mixing on the knocks.” We'll drink to that. 


For all you movers and shakers, here are five reasons to start the cocktail hour early. From left to right: Antique Manhattan Skyscraper shaker 
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Boston shaker, by Alessi, $125. Stainless-steel art-deco-style Bullet shaker, from Metrokane, 535. (Gold-plated version also available, $55.) 


Where & How to Buy on page 168. 


GR AFP ENV NE 


Taking 
Her 
Best 
Shot 
Knots Land- 
ing's NI- 
CHOLLETTE 
SHERIDAN 
finds a new 
way to keep 
photogra- 
phers at bay 
on a night. 
out with 
main 
squeeze 
HARRY 
HAMLIN, 
late of LA. 
Law. 


» TUN 
1951 SEAL GAL 


2 


ua 


Thanks a Runch 


MTV vj. KARI WUHRER can also be found on the big, 
screen in Beastmaster II, on the cable series Swamp 
Thing and soon on vinyl, having signed her first 
record deal. For now, Kari settles for some petals. 


Nichole 
Bottoms 
Out 
Check your lo- 
cal video slore 
this fall for 
NICHOLE MAX- 
WELI's video on 


the making of 
calendar-girl 
art. Until then, 
she’s the 1991 


cover girl of the 
Goldwing cata- 
log and hot stuff 
in Grapevine. 


SUNNY BAK/SHOCTING STAR 


© MARK LEIVDAL 


Star Safire, 
No Flaws 

Singer SAFIRE’s single 
Made Up My Mind from 
her latest album I Wasn't 
Born Yesterday is moving 
up the dance charts into 
the top ten. Safire's on 
the road, bringing her 
hits into your neighbor- 
hood. Maybe all that glit- 


ters will go gold. 


PAULNATKINIPHOTO RESERVE INC 


Colour 

Them 

Hot 

I's a great story: Dis- 
covered by Mick Jag- 


ger, toured the 
Stones; album Time's 
Up goes gold, wins a 
Grammy; and now 
LIVING COLOUR has 
found the main- 
stream without mak- 
ing any artistic 
compromises. Bravo! 


ES 


Making Whoopi 

In the months since former Oscar winner DENZEL WASHING- 
TON gave current Oscar winner WHOOPI GOLDBERG his best 
shot, they've both been working—Denzel on Mississippi 
Masala and Malcolm X, Whoopi on Soapdish and TV's Star Trek. 


f PATTY BEALOET 


ADL NATA PHOTO RESERVE INC. 


WERNER W.POLLEINER 


Benson Needs No Hedges 

In a cool summer move, starlet BARBARA BENSON lost the 
top of her bathing suit. Lucky us. Barbara's just getting started 
in showbiz with a Budweiser poster and a Toronto Sunshine 
Girl calendar. We can say we knew her when. 


172 


WET DREAM 


Ever have a great idea in 
the shower and by the 
time you've dried yourself. 
off, your brilliant thought. 
for the day has gone down 
the drain? The next time 
this happens, jot it down 
on Wet Memo, an 84"x 11” 
slate that attaches to your 
shower stall via a suction- 
cup hook. (А .5mm me- 
chanical pencil is held to 
Wet Memo by Velcro, 

ready for your smartest, 
most imaginative 
thoughts.) Of course, Wet. 
Memo is washable (you 
can dean it with any liquid 
soap) and, yes, you can 
write on both sides of it. 
The price: just $21, post 
paid, sent to Acme Inter 
national Co., PO. Box 
72663, Roselle, Illinois 
60172. Acme includes an 
extra suction-cup hook 
with each Wet Memo or- 
der so that your significant 
other can keep tabs on 
you. How thoughtful. 


MEALS ON KEELS 


The Odyssey, the largest gourmet dining yacht on the Great Lakes, 
makes its nautical debut this summer in Chicago, and if all goes well, 
the parent company, Premier Yachts, will float similar ships in New 
York, Los Angeles and other ports of call. Elegant sit-down meals, not 
buffets, are served on the 175-foot-long Odyssey, which can carry as 
many as 800 passengers. During the cruise, on separate decks, gu. 
can dance to cither rock and roll or more romantic music. The pr 
for a three-hour dinner cruise is $62 per person on a weekend (slightly 
less on weck nights). A two-hour lunch cruise is $23 per person. The 
Odyssey will operate year round and 312-321-7600 is the number to 
call for reservations and information. Bon voyage. 


ts 


POTPOURRI 


IN THE GROOVE 


Old LPs never die, they just end up at 
Record Surplus, a warehouse store at 
11609 West Pico Boulevard, Los Ange- 
les 90064, whose primary stock in trade 
is vintage (and contemporary) vinyl at 
yesteryear prices. Albums in excellent 
condition are $1.88 to $3.88. (Rare col- 
lector's items are somewhat higher.) 
And if you can't make it to the mother 
lode on West Pico, Record Surplus has 
three stores in the L.A. area and one in 
Las Vegas. Call 213-478-4217 for more 
information on locations. 


CALL OF THE OPEN ROAD 


On the road to Yazoo City and have a 
hankering to hear the Judds? Turn 
your dial to WBKJ, the nearest country- 
and-western station in Mississippi. This 
and just about every other fact you'd 
want to know about audio on the go, 
from Key West to Tacoma, are listed in 
Berkley Publishing's $8.95 paperback 
Radio on Wheels (“A Traveler's Guide to 
Radio Stations Across the Nation"). Two 
editions are available, East and West, 
and the pages lie flat for easy reading. 


MR. RIGHT, 
> 
МЕ PRESUME? YOUR 
Ladies, we have some CAREER. 


good news and some bad 
news. The good news is 
that there i an Ideal Man 
who says all the right 
things, such as "Let me 
hold you. I need your 
mih." The bad news is, 
just two feet tall, 
wears doll clothes and. 
knows only seven sen- 
tences. tomical Chart 
Co., 822] Kimball Avenue, 
Skokie, Illinois 60076, sells 
the Ideal Man for 


plus shipping. H 
at small talk. 


DEM BONES, DEM BONES 


Prehistoric Journeys is not just another junk-to-go mail-order 
business. The owners, Barry James and April Rhodes-James, 
specialize in dinosaur skulls and skeletons, rare fossils and other 
ancient natural exotica exhumed from the earth. Prices range 
from five dollars for a dinosaur eggshell to $50,000 for the 
skeleton of a prehistoric cave bear; Prehistoric's address is PO. 
Box 3376, Santa Barbara, California 93130. Phone: 805-685-7825. 


1 
RESPECT 


WOW! IT’S 
WARD'S WORLD 


Anyone familiar with pin- 
ups knows the name Bill 
Ward, an artist who began 
ladies in the 
ies and Fifties. Now 
some of Ward's early pin 


comic by Allied Am 
Artists that sells for foi 


sent to A. 
npire State В 
04, New York 
10118. Also in the 
is the pinup work of 
Jack Cole, a pioneering 
Playhoy 


HERE COMES THE GROOM 


Just in time for all those long, hot summer 
wedding nights comes The Groom's Survival 
Manual, by Michael R. Perry. a hip and inform- 


g out the right ring to m 
on from groom to husband. The latter chap- 
ter answers that key question on young men's 
minds: "Will my wife becc 
housekeeper and social mav 
married? Ans! No” 


ACE OF VINTAGE CLUBS 


1f you're the kind of golfer who'd select a clas- 
sic MacGregor/Tommy Armour 693 driver over 
lor Metalwood when teeing off, 
olf Classics © Heritage Hichories 

ar for your course. A 

30, and the 12 monthly 
n more than 1000 clubs for sale. 
(There are also “Clubs Wanted" and Q. & A 
sections.) U.S. Golf Classics’ addres 


173 


174 


NEXT MONTH 


JUNGLE FEVER 


SOFTWARE WHIZ 


“THE SAFARI"—A SUBURBAN COUPLE SIGNS UP FOR A 
JUNGLE EXPEDITION IN ECUADOR AND HAS AN EN- 
COUNTER OF THE TERRIFYING KIND—FICTION BY MAL- 
COLM BOSSE 


“JUST LOOKING"—A LOVING TRIBUTE TO THE FINE ART 
OF OGLING— BY DAVID HUDDLE 


DANNY GLOVER REVEALS ONE OF CO-STAR MEL GIB- 
SON'S MOST INTIMATE LOVE SECRETS AND GIVES US 
THE RAP ON RAP MUSIC IN A LIVELY “20 QUESTIONS” 


THEY'RE WHAT MAKES THIS COUNTRY GREAT—A TRIO OF 
GORGEOUS WOMEN WITH THEIR MINDS ON THEIR JOBS. 
WELL, MOSTLY. OUR PICTORIAL SALUTE TO AMERICA'S 
“WORKING GIRLS” 


HE'S ONE PART ALBERT EINSTEIN AND ONE PART GEN- 
ERAL PATTON. MEET BILL GATES, THE SOFTWARE WHIZ 
WHOSE MICROSOFT CORPORATION HAS COMPETITORS 
QUAKING WITH FEAR. A PLAYBOY PROFILE OF THE MOST 
POWERFUL NERD IN AMERICA—BY CONTRIBUTING EDI- 
TOR DAVID RENSIN 


SEEING DOUBLE 


“SEEING DOUBLE" THEY'RE BLONDE, THEY'RE SEXY 
AND THEY'RE AN L.A. STORY WE'VE UNCOVERED JUST 
FOR YOU. MEET THE BARBI TWINS—SHANE AND SIA— 
IN A SIZZLING PLAYBOY PICTORIAL 


DOUGLAS WILDER, THE NATION'S FIRST ELECTED 
BLACK GOVERNOR, TALKS ABOUT RACISM, WHAT NEEDS 
FIXING IN THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION AND HIS BID FOR 
THE PRESIDENCY IN A TIMELY PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“QUAYLE  HUNTING"—LIKE WILLIAM RANDOLPH 
HEARST, EUGENE C. PULLIAM USED HIS NEWSPAPERS 
TO LAUNCH CRUSADES, SETTLE VENDETTAS AND BUILD 
A DYNASTY, AND NONE OF IT HURT GRANDSON J. DAN- 
FORTH QUAYLE’S POLITICAL CAREER. A HEART-STOP- 
PING LOOK AT THE VEEP'S LEGACY—BY PAMELA MARIN 


PLUS: “PLAYBOY’S PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST,” OUR 
ANNUAL PREVIEW OF THIS SEASON'S PRO GRIDIRON 
PROSPECTS, BY GARY COLE; TOP DESIGNERS SHOW US 
WHAT'S NEW IN “FALL AND WINTER FASHION FORE- 
CAST," BY HOLLIS WAYNE; AND MUCH MORE 


PERHAPS THE 
MOST REFRESHING 
/ THING ABOUT SUMMER 
IS THE RENEWED 


REALIZATION THAT 


| SOMETIMES THE BEST 


THING YOU CAN 


DO IS NOTHING 


AT ALL. 


m 
ü 
GIN: 


EMELE 


MMER 


DRYGIN 


SUMMER GIN. 


Klum 
-Ab 
ES 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. E 


17 mg. "tar", 1.1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


© 9918.) REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


AN INSTINCT FOR QUALITY 


AS