Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats

MISS AMERICA ely JORD \
ELIZABETH А A SLAM DUNK

WARD GRACEN » INTERVIEW WITH
E sus = THE GREAT ONE
BASEBALL . . THE WORST
PREVIEW | / SENATOR
| / |. IN AMERICA

F^ Uu 4% pus: Kurt

7 < y \ VONNEGUT

„>= _—I JOSEPH

4 HELLER
\ SPALDING |

2 1992 JOROACHE ENTERPRISES, INC.

Cuy Sa Blended Sects Whisky. 40% Ак. by Vot. Imported by € W.A. Taylor Co. Mami, поба 1991.

If you need to see a picture of a guy in
an Armani suit sitting between two fashion models
drinking it before you know its right for you,

it probably isn't.

SCOTS WHISKY

PLAYBILL

AS THE ELECTION YEAR heats up, America's trade deficit with
Japan continues to be a major issue. So here's a radical sug-
gestion: If we can't sell them cars, why not sell them some-
thing even they'll admit they don't do as well? Like basketball.

= kyo an N.B.A. franchise and soon every Japanese will
be talking about Air Jordan. Once Mike starts selling those
Chevys on Japanese television. . . . At any rate, read Merk Ven-
ars Playboy Interview with Chicago Bulls’ star Michael Jordon,
and think about it. For another strategy—a sexually fulfilled
worker is a productive worker—read E. Jean Corroll's most-
original Viewpoint, “Solving the Japanese Problem." On a
more practical note, if you're in the market for a new car and
have decided to buy American, thi the year to do it, а
cording to Playboy's Automotive Report, by Contributing Editor
Ken Gross.

As we said, it’s an election year, and in his Reporter's Notebook,
“Lust in the White House,” Robert Scheer deals with the pecu-
liar morality that percolates this season—notably the case of
Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton, far from the first American po-
litical leader ever to have strayed from the marital bed. Coin-
cidentally, shortly before Clinton was being skewered by the

Star, we were photographing a beautiful young woman from FEGLEY CONASON, NEWFIELD.
his home state, Elizabeth Ward Gracen. We were interested in her

because she was a former Miss America and were as surpri:
as anyone when her name, too, turned up on a list of Clinton
alleged romances. She'd be hard to resist, as Contributing
Photographer Richard Fegley's photos aptly demonstrate.

Sexual peccadilloes of elected officials are far less worri-
some than other characteristics. Probably no more need be
said about Joe Conason and Jack Newfiele's profile of New York's
Republican Senator Alfonse D'Amate than its title: The Worst
Senator in America. If you're among those who have always
held a jaundiced view of politics, you have probably enjoyed HELLER. MALLORY, VONNEGUT
the work of novelists Kurt Vonnegut and Joseph Heller, whose
sardonic views of mankind's efforts to do the right things for
the wrong reasons have provoked readers for three decades.
Carole Mallory records what happens when these two great
satirists and best chums spend an afternoon together in The
Joe and Kurt Show, illustrated by Joseph Ciordiello.

If there are two subjects that (we hope) transcend politic
they are baseball and sex. Our diamond prognosticator, Con-
tributing Editor Kevin Cook, admits that last year, “I was the
worst predictor in America, along with everybody else. But
the great thing about the game is its unpredictability.” Cook
takes а stab at it anyway in Playboy's 1992 Baseball Preview. As
for sex (we're certainly for it), there are some mystical tradi-
tions that say prolonged sex is a path to enlightenment, a
route Spalding Groy's hero, Brewster, tried to take in Impossible
Vacation, excerpted from his forthcoming book by the same tì-
tle (published by Knopf) and illustrated by Jim Sponfeller—no,
not our Associate Publisher but his artist dad.

Whether you're a wildlife protectionist, a hunter or merely
an armchair adventurer, you'll enjoy In the Company of Coyotes,
illustrated by Broldt Brolds. Author Elizobeth Royte hung out
with a profes l trapper and learned to see predators in a
way that most of us never will.

То top off this issue, Contributing Editor Werren Kalbacker
checks in with an outrageous 20 Questions with the self-de-
scribed “portable” monologist John Leguizamo, creator of the
one-man shows Mambo Mouth and Spic-O-Rama; Contributing
Photographer Stephen Wayde unveils this month's Playmate,
Texas beauty Vickie Smith, and photographer Byron Newman of-
fers a delicious pictorial solution to the problem of dull wed-
dings, A Pride of Brides. Delightful.

ROYTE

NEWMAN

mE.
KALBACKER
Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 1992, volume 39, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy,

680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-class postage paid at Chicago, Illinois, and at additional mailing offices.
Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. З

JOHN GOODMAN

SLT єл rn LIBRE sc TR НОЕ B GB KELLY IUS
ТШЕ ШИ BULA ШШ НТС, Ш ТГ Т
Л ШШ es COMING $0.0 N 777 “ЗАНША ALTER BLESS ie

PLAYBOY.

vol. 39, no. 5—may 1992 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL APA ee ee ; + 3
DEAR PLAYBOY m a 2 AA 9
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS нра Бе Ea 13
STYLE 28
МЕМ... . TI E ASABABER 31
WOMEN. ....... " vius sees CYNTHIA HEIMEL 32

VIEWPOINT: SOLVING THE JAPANESE PROBLEM—opinion Е. JEAN CARROLL 33

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR i as
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK:
LUST IN THE WHITE HOUSE—opinion ROBERT SCHEER 39
THE PLAYBOY FORUM .. Я БАЕ a
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: MICHAEL JORDAN—condid conversation... s1
IN THE COMPANY OF COYOTES—orticle 44.0... ELIZABETH ROYTE 66 Sex Odyssey P78
THERE SHE IS . . .—pictoriol 70
IMPOSSIBLE VACATION—fiction .. . 22... SPALDING GRAY 78 4
PLAYBOY'S AUTOMOTIVE REPORT—article в ses. KEN GROSS 82
THE JOE AND KURT SHOW—conversation Н ^s. CAROLE MALLORY 86
LONE STAR STUNNER—ployboy's playmate of the month 90
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ..... ad croata ció 102
THE WORST SENATOR
IN AMERICA—playboy profile... JOE CONASON and JACK NEWFIELD 104
PLAYBOY COLLECTION—modern living TE ai + 106
PLAYBOY'S 1992 BASEBALL PREVIEW—sports KEVIN COOK 110
A PRIDE OF BRIDES—pictoriol ......... à — ` 114
20 QUESTIONS: JOHN LEGUIZAMO. . E 126
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ..........- 1 Me Sere 165 Auto Report
COVER STORY

There she is, Miss America (and Miss Arkansas) of 1982. Meet Elizabeth Ward
Grocen, a classic beauty with a story everyone's tolking obout. Our cover wos
produced by West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabawski, styled by Lone
Coyle-Dunn and shot by Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. Thanks
to Trocy Cionflone for styling Elizabeth's hair and moke-up ond to John Cron-
ham for the gold-leof background. Our Rabbit is Elizabeth's crowning glory.

PLAYBOY

The Evolution of
Strength Training

NordicFlex Gold " Marks the Ultimate Evolution
of Strength Training Equipment.

Stone Weights

5,000 P. Dumbbells

1894
Advanced Technology

has made NordicFlex Gold”
5 ways better

than Soloflex”.

1. NordicFlex Gold has lincar motion
to better simulate free-weights.

2. NordicFlex Gold has isokinetic resistance ea

to better match your natural strength curve.
3. NordicFlex Gold is faster to use than Soloflex®.
4. NordicFlex Gold has electronics to monitor your performance.

5. And, best ofall, NordicFlox Gold costs ^ less than Soloflex®, — NordicFlex Gold"

one" NORDICFLEX[«72 71
FREE VIDEO "a... 1-800-445-2360 3:

Ог write: NordicTrack, Dept. #Z6KDZ, 141 Jonathan Blvd. N., Chaska, MN 55318

"21991 NordicTrack, Inc. А СМІ. Company. Solofe is reriseredradema of Sale, f: Al res reserved.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief

ARTHUR KKETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER arl director
GARY COLE photography director
EDITORIAL
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER. MOORE
senior editor; FICTION: Аас K. TURNER editor;
AMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer;

DAVID STEVENS senior editor: ED WALKER азхо-
ciate editor; вети vowkiw assistant editor; WEST
COAST: sremen wanna. editor; STAFF: Gurt
CHEN FDGREN senior editor: BRUCK KLUGER BAR.
BARA NELLIS associate editors; CHRISTOPHER
NAPOLITANO assistant editor; JOHN LUSK traffic co-
ordinator; FASHION: MOLLIS WWYNE direclor
VIVIAN COLON assistant editor; CARTOONS: ми.
CHELLE URRY editor; COPY: LEOPOLD FROEHLICH.
editor; ARLAN эзи мА assistant editor; MARY ZION.
senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE
JACKIE CAREY, REMA SMITH researchers; CONTRIB-
UTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. DENIS BOVLES, KEV
IN COOK. LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL
KEN GROSS (antomolive). CYNTHIA HEIMEL. WILLIAM
J HELMER. WARREN KALBACKER, WALTER LOWE, JH
D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, KEG POTTER:
TON, DAVID KENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID SHEFE
DAVID STANDISH, MOKGAN STRONG, BRUCE
WILLIAMSON (movies)

ART
кеки: rore managing director; BRUCE MANSEN:
CHEF SUSKI, LES. WILLIS senior directors; KRISVIN
BORJENEK RELLY O'BRIEN assistant direclors; ANN
siii. supervisor, keyline/paste-up: PAUL CHAN
RICKIE THOMAS al assistants

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COMEN
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, ИМ LARSON.
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY BEAU
ver assistant editar/entertainment; Steve CONWAY
associate photographer; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD TEG
LEV. ARNS FREVTAG, RICHARD LZUL DAVID MECEY
HYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA
contributing photographers; ИЕЛ ЕЕ wenas stylist;
TIM HAWKINS librarian; ROBERT CAIRNS manager
studio/lab

MICHAEL PERLIS publisher
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher

PRODUCTION
MARIA мамы director: MITA JOHNSON manager;
JODY JURGETO. RICHARD QUARTAROLI. CARRIE LARUE
HOCKNEY. TOM SIMONEK associate managers

CIRCULATION
sita GUIMAN subscription circulation director:
JOAN NCINERNY newsstand sales director; CINDY
RAKOWITZ communications director

ADVERTISING
SALES DIRECTORS: WILLIAM. м. HILTON. JR. morth-
шем, KONEKT MCLEAN west спам, STEVE MEISNER
midwest, Patt. TURCOTTE new york

READER SERVICE
LINDA STROM. MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE
mie SHROPSHINE computer graphics systems direc-
for; EILEEN KENT editorial services manager: MAR
CIS TERRONES rights & permissions administrator

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
musa nerne chairman, chief executive officer

PLAYBOY COVERS

The Early Years

A SELECTION FROM OUR FIRST DECADE

PLAYBOY

SP-CP-108

SP-CP-110

APRIL ISSUE 1960

These vintage covers per-

fectly illustrate the piayful

sophistication of America's

favorite men's magazine.

By combining classic images

with a modern sensibility,

Playboy created a look that

quickiy established it as

the leader in men's enter-

tainment magazines. Now,

these four charming covers

are available on museum-

quality stock. The prints are

94" X 18" and are available

singly, or as a complete set.

JUNE ISSUE 1954

PLAYBOY

SP-CP-109 AUGUST ISSUE 1956

PLAYBOY

nme vov ae —

SP-CP-111 MAY ISSUE 1955

BUY ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE VINTAGE COVERS FOR ONLY $15.00 EACH OR BUY ALL FOUR FOR ONLY $49.95.
If ordering the set please order by item #SP-CP-112.
Also available beautifully custom framed for an additional $95.00 each.
To order by phone, cail 1(800) 345-6066 . All major credit cards accepted.
To order by mail, send check or money order to: PLAYBOY'S COVERS (The early years)
680 М. Lake Shore Drive Suite 1500SE CHICAGO, IL 60611 Allow two weeks for delivery.

KRATON THERMOPLAST
COMFORT GRIPS
18:SPEED SHIMANO SIS
COMFORTABLE GEL SAOOLE QUICK-RELEASE SEAT INDEX SHIFTING FOR EASY
POST FOREASY HEIGHT "CLICK" SHIFTING
ADJUSTMENT

FRAME BAG.
LIGHT ALLOY RIMS
QUICK-RELEASE

CANTILEVER BRAKES | : д ‘ FRONT HUB FOR EASY
FOR GREATER STOPPING А WATER BOTTLE WITH WHEEL REMOVAL
y LI ‘OUST COVER AND CAGE z

A
7

THE NEW SABRE.
NOT AVAILABLE AT FINE BIKE SHOPS EVERYWHERE.

This Sabre is one sharp mourtain bike. Just one
in a complete line of state-of-the-art mountain
bikes like Mountain Gear and Montoya by
Murray. Made in the USA. Tough. Loaded with
features. Built around a new frame design with
Murray's Herculite 20" over-sized tubing frame.
Shimano SIS Index system lo provide faster,
тоге accurate shifting. Smooth, steady breking
power with front and rear cantilever brakes.
Durable square shoulder mountain bike tires to
maximize contact with the ground. Added
comfort with a gel saddle, and convenient quick
release seat post clamp. Features that add up
to the mountain bike you want al the price
you want. And only available at America's
leading retailers. For your local retailer, call
1-800-251-8007, then press 9. Murray
The bike shop bike you cant buy at a bike shop.

Always wear a helmet, it could save your lile

THE THINKING MAN'S GUIDE TO
WORKING WITH WOMEN

After reading Contributing Editor
Denis Boyles's February Playboy article,
The Thinking Man's Guide to Working with
Women, Um compelled to express my
anger and disgust. And since Boyles re-
marks that most women nestly
and repeatedly deny that menstrual
stress influences their behavior,” I want
to make it clear that my reaction to
his belittling article has nothing to do
with PMS.

Boyles writes, "When a woman comes
10 work, she brings with her all the mys-
teries of girlhood. The same wild jeal-
ousies, the same suspicion of other wom
en, the same tendency to want to play
the rough games of the boys and the
same urge to cry if the game gets too
rough." What “rough games” is Boyles
referring to? As for wild jealousies and
suspicions, my experience in the work-
place indicates that men far exceed
women in both areas.

A lot of women who hold respectable
positions in the workplace have а caring
attitude and a fair unbiased outlook
with empathy and concern for men and
women alike. Not all women are the
monstrosities he has pictured them to be.
"There are those of us who love our men
and stand beside them—work beside
them—with strong support and pride

Kristine L. Cassan
Spokane, Washington

will ea

Despite its lightheartedness, there is a
great deal of truth in what Denis Boyles
writes about working with women. As a
recent victim of this sexual harassment
hysteria, 1 can attest that when a man is
accused. of this type of misconduct, he
may discover that his male superiors de-
velop an acute case of moral cowardice,
in that they would prefer to appease
than to make sound judgments

G. Gideon Rojas

Reno, Nevada

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE ORIVE
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

“PUTTING SEX IN ITS PLACE”

1 take exception to Robert Scheer's
opinions in his Feporter's Notebook, "Put-
ting Sex in Its Place" (Playboy, February)
With his extensive use of the pronoun

we.” Scheer engages in the same egre-
gious generalizing and stereotyping tha
characterize both extremes in the gen-
der war. Certainly, sexual harassment is
a problem in many places, but can the
quality of the American male population
be so low that males must stoop to taking
advantage of “situations of social in-
equality in which the woman can be se-
duced into losing her bearings”?

While Scheer thinks that “taking ad-
vantage is not only easy, it's a drive that's
on automatic pilot,” I have found the re-
verse to be true. Using social or jab posi-
tion to dominate women is an idea that i»
wholly repugnant to me. The people 1
grew up around would regard a person
who did so as having serious sexual-infe-
rionty problems.

I protest Scheer's assertion that "any
male who claims to have never exploited
[power] for low sexual purpose is proba-
bly lying or ranks at the bouom of the
testosterone. scale." Men and women
alike often do things to augment their
personal attractiveness, such as padding
the prestige of their job, the value of
their personal possessions or the power
of their social and political connections.
But if 1 had to rely on power, prestige or
money to attract a woman, I would have
trouble facing myself in the mirror in the
morning.

Whatever happened to using person-
ality, personal attractiveness and good
humor to gain the attentions of the op-
posite sex?

Jeff Turpin
San Antonio, Texas

“MIXED COMPANY”

Senior Staff Writer James R. Petersen,
in his February Viewpoint, “Mixed Com-
pany,” refers to a New York Times arti-
cle describing how male and female

IMPORTE

FA
pe

IMPORTED

PPaguoray)
fou

ТУУ

Perfect Take.

Tanqueray:
A singular expenence.

rete ire m Bar) So poa

PLAYBOY

students at. Hunter College were given
a scenario in which a male boss asks a
female employee to lunch to discuss her
research and instead questions her
about her personal life, then later escorts
her to other lunches, dinners with
drinks, and finally begins to fondle her.

The conclusion of the survey was that
women perceived that sexual harass-
ment began when the boss first inquired
about her perso: fe. The male 0]
ton was that it began at the point when
he fondled her. What are these women
thinking?

Ifa woman feels so violated by person-
al questions, she should be assertive
enough to tell the man to stick to the
subject of business—and not agree to
meet again outside the office. After sev-
eral lunch dates, dinners and drinks,
a man is rightfully going to feel he has
her approval.

Га further like to suggest that the
“feminists” out there get off their high
horses and stop yelling "sexual harass-
ment" over a man's slightest remark. We
women are becoming our own worst en-
emics. I'd also like to reassure men that
not all women dislike vour compliments.
Please hold the door open for me and
help me carry my packages. Some wom-
en, like myself, realize how many double
standards there are now that men and
women are trying so hard to define their
roles. We still have a long way to go.

Shannon Herndon
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

"NEW RULES FOR HER”

Although a thoroughly nonprudish
woman (as evidenced by the fact that I
read Playboy and enjoy it), 1 am nonethe-
less offended by Contributing Editor /
Baber's tack on sexual harassment in his
February Men column, “New Rules for
Her.” First, it is ludicrous for Baber to
suggest that as men "your behavior will
be placed under a microscope but hers
will not."

What is the very first maneuver a
woman has always faced when she accus-
€» someone of sexual harassment or
rape? The complete dissection and as:
sination of her character. For example,
Judge Thomas’ defenders immediately
went to work to discredit Anita Hill's
character as soon as her charges were
le public.

This kind of antagonistic column sets
us all, men and women, back a few paces
and stirs up more resentment. Would
Playboy take a position that blacks shout-
ing "racism" in the workplace ought to
be dealt with in a hostile and defensive
manner? | doubt it. Open the dialog
with consideration and soul searching,
not macho posturing. Oh, yes, and three
cheers for Robert Scheer's Pulting Sex in

Its Place. V think he gets it.
Sydney Coale Phillips
Los Angeles, Califo

RACHEL, RACHEL
After seeing your pictorial on super-

model Rachel Williams (Rachel, Rachel,

Playboy, February), my life has new

meaning. She's sensuous, eccentric and

has a body to die for. Thank you for cap-

turing the essence of the ideal woman
Michael W. Sikora
Austin, Texas

"Thank you for the wonderfully under-
stated pictorial of Rachel Williams. 1 se-

cretly read my wife's Elle magazine and
have long had an сус on this gorgeous
ойе. Your ability to portray beautiful
women in a tasteful manner is one rea-
son why I continue to be a subscriber.
David D. Johnson
Geneva, Illinois

JFK. CONSPIRACY

I've just finished reading Carl Ogles-
by's article The Conspiracy That Won't С
Away in the February Playboy and, having
seen Oliver Stone's brilliant film JFK, I
can see why the film has received a bar-
rage of enticism. Even former Texas
Governor John Connally said that Stone
"went too far." Still, whatever facts Stone
might have ignored can't be more fright-
ening than those Jim
to light at the trial of C

Two things bother me. One is how cas-
ily 1 bought the lie of the Warren Com-
mission, and the second is why Robert
Kennedy, the most powerful man in the
Justice Department, didn't declare the
Warren Commission's report the fantasy
that it is.

Vincent DePaul Parker
Chester, New Jersey

How much longer are conspiracy
buffs going to try to sell their half-baked
ideas on John Kennedy s assassination to
the public? If The Conspiracy That Won't
Go Away is any indication, they won't quit
soon. The so-called conspiracy experts
intain that the Warren Commi: Y

wvestigation was flawed, but they always
manage to ignore certain perunent facts
in the Warren Commission investigation
that point to Lee Harvey Oswald's and
Jack Ruby's having acted independently.
All of the conspiracy theories I've heard

have holes large enough to drive trucks
through,

George Schiro
Baton Rouge, Lou

ana

performed a public service
ng The Conspiracy That Won't
Go Away. Many of us remember that in
the months alter J.EK.s tragic death,
there were many people who questioned
the governments “lone nut killed by a
lone nut” position. But after the Warren
Commission's report in September 1964,
nyone who persisted in sug; that
it was unlikely that there was only one
marksman was regarded as paranoid.
Oglesby's article cries out for a re-
birth of credibility in government
call to open the files of the Warren Com-
mission and of the House Select Com-
mittee on Ass nations and to declassi-
fy the Lopez report as well as the files of
Operation Mongoose should be heeded
asa first step toward reestablishing trust
in the relationship between Americans
and their government.
Joh
(е

Schultz
ago, Illinois

BUGSY'S DREAM
Pete Hamill's February Playboy article,
Bugsy Siegel's Fabulous Dream. is one of the
best I've read in decades. Perhaps the
good citizens of Las Vegas should erecta
statue of Bugsy in the center of the Strip,
with water flowing from the nose tha
was blown away in his senseless murder.
Robert Hanrahan
Wilmington, N

achu:

PLAYBOY'S WORLD TOUR “92
Thank you for the wonderful smor-
gasbord of beautiful women in Febru-
ary's Playboy's World Tour “92. For years,
I've been pleading to let your readers
sec some of the beautiful women who
appear in your international editions,
nd now that Playboy's World Tour has be-
come (1 hope) a regular feature, I'm the
happiest guy in the world.
Gary Carlson
Chicago, Illinois

TANYA BEYER
ve outdone yourselves once
again! The moment I saw February PL
Tanya Beyer, I fell in love. She
ke the 1993 Playmate of the
Ycar competition a lot more intei

Robert B. Gi

чала I tellh

Белеке,

|
|

SUZUKI.

The ride you've been walling fot

Razor sharp. And smooth as silk.

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

WALL NUTS

Seven years ago, David Letterman
slipped into a suit equipped with Velcro
straps. flung himself against а Velcro
wall—and stuck libe a squashed bug
Many reruns later, beer-guzzling New
Yorkers have transformed this Stupid
Human Trick into an interactive bar
sport. The weekly wall-jumping contest
at Perfect Tommy's—a Manhattan bar
that imported the Velero equipment
from New Zealand where it was devel.
oped—auracıs a large crowd of swingers
and fingers. The barflies fortify them-
selves with a shot (or not), then bound
off a mini-trampoline in Velcro-covered
jumpsuits and attempt a forward half-
somersault ошо a padded Velcro wall. 17
it works, they hang upside down and
their jump is judged by how far their
feet are olf the ground (the U.S. record
is 114”). Spotters are ready to help the
losers crumple to the floor. Stock trader
Madison Gulley offers this analysis of the
sport's allure: “I guess it’s another of
those Yuppie experiences. What else is

there to do after а few cocktails but jump
against a wall?”
switching to seltzer?

In honor of George Bush's perfor-
mance in Tokyo, the White House press
corps presented him with a signed air-
sickness bag that read, "Mr. President,
next time, dinner's on us."

Velcro How about

NAMES OF THE GAME

When we last saw our pal David
Friend, the photography director at Life
magazine, he left us with some thoughts
on the upcoming diamond season:
“Nowadays, ballplayers are named
Darling or Smiley. Strawberry or Good-
en. Gladden or Grace. Baseball players
names are turning soft. Check out the
box scores and see if your heart doesn't
plop like a Charlie Hough knuckleball
“Time was when guys had names that
evoked things’ altogether woolly, Such
unabashedly baseball names as Jack
Crouch, Herb Score, Earl Bauey, Al
McBean and Jim Greengrass. Tough

s: Enos Slaughter, Jim Baule and
Red Ruling. And strange names: Bucky
Guth and Ducky Hemp, Podge Weihe
and Wally Pipp, Rance Pless and Snooks
Dowd, Chicken Wolf and Heinie
Manush.

“Today. when 1 peruse the programs.
1 feel the golden age of names is over
Gone are the lineups strewn with Reds,
Caps, Dizzies, Choo Choos, Chi Chis,
Lefties, Titos, Sparkies, Hacks, Macks,
Tacks, Homers, Panchos, Cookies, Smok-
ies, Caseys, Guses, Rubes, Lukes, Dukes,
Pugs, Tugs, Hoots, Chicks, Kids, Babes
and Peewees. Gone are the teams that
used to field a pride of Pedros or an ex-
altation of Jesuses (say Hey-soos-es).

“But Hold that box score.
Thanks to America’s fascination with all
things retro, my field of dreams may be
newly mowed. A few years ago, an old-
timers’ league was formed for baseball-
ers now past 35. The rosters appeared
positively Proustian—full of athletic
names such as Clete Boyer and Clint
Hurdle; mumbly names such as Jim Bib-
by, Jim Busby and Al Bumbry; mouthful
names such as Manny Sanguillen and Al

ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO

Hrabosky; vowelreverberating names
such as Rennie Stennett and Blue Moon
Odom.

“And now | can spot them plain as day,
Lou Lowdermilk and Kemp Wicker,
throwing smoke in that great bull pen in
the gloaming."

.
Hard-boiled ad of the month: The
Arizona Sew & Vac Center recently

boasted in a sign, IF 17 SUCKS, SEWS OR
BLOWS, WE REPAIR 11, Question: If it sucks,
sews or blows, what needs fixing?

BIG BLUE BALLS

Computer nerds are special, special
people. Here's something—an alert for
IBM field engineers—that appeals to
their special, special kind of humor:
"Mouse balls are now available as
FRUS (field replacement units). There-
fore, if a mouse fails to operate or should
it perform erratically, it may need a ball
replacement. Because of the delicate na-
ture of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should be
properly trained personnel
“Ball-removal procedures diffe
pending

tempted only by

des
thc
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced us-
ing the pop-off method. Domestic balls
are replaced using the twist-off method
Mouse balls are not usually static sensi-
tive. However, excessive handling can
result in sudden discharge.

“It is recommended that each replacer
have a pair of spare balls for maintaini
optimum customer satisfaction, and that
any customer missing his balls should
suspect local personnel of removing

upon manufacturer of

items.”
.

Outside Business reports that the Na-
tional Forest Service plans to bar em-
ployees from wearing neon-colored
clothing in the forest on the grounds
that it is visually polluting.

these necessar

PIXIE POWER

Students at the University of Califor-
nia-Santa Cruz are fighting administra-
tors over a beautiful redwood forest on

RAW DATA

SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS |

QUOTE
“If a woman has
to choose between
catching a Ay ball
and saving an
fant's
choose to save the
infants life without
even considering if
there are men on
base."—coLuMNIST
DAVE BARRY, AS QUOTED
ın The Fourth and By
Far the Most Recent
637 Best Things Any-
body Ever Said

TAX TIME

Joel Slemrod ас
the University of
Michigan's School of
Business Adminis- оГ C;
tration reports that
the average number
of hours Americans
spent working on
taxes in 1989 was

the simplification of
tax laws, 27.4.

SLENDER GENDER GAP

/Goldring
Research, the percentage of women
who said that a co-worker's standing
or sitting too close to them constitutes
sexual harassment, 29; percentage of
men who agrecd, 92
.

Percentage of women who consid-
ered a friendly pat on the shoulder as
harassment, 18; percentage of men
who thought this, 24.

Percentage of women who
telling off-color jokes at work is sexu-
al hara
men, 42.

BATTER ОРІ

According to Team Marketing Report,
number of fans attending spring-
training baseball games in Florida last
season: 1,400,000.
.
Average amount spent per game by
each fan: $17.49.

crashes each y

FACT OF THE MONTH but say

According to the University
ifornia's Wellness Letter,
riding to the airport can be a
lot more dangerous than fly-
ing: The U.S. has just 150,000
registered. taxicabs; however,
after cabs are involved in 100,000

sment, 42; percentage of

GRAY POWER

Number of major-
league baseball play-
ers who were age 35
or older in 1971, 26;
in 1991, 58.

According (0 a
study by Dr. Charles
A. Waehler of the
University of Akron,
percentage of het
erosexual men over
j the age of 40 who

have never married
they're
satisfied with their
lives: 50.

Of those who were
dissatisfied, the per-
centage who feared
losing control
through an emotion-
al connection with
another person, 53:
who feared they
would make a major irreversible
mistake by committing to а relation-
ship, 47.

Percentage of all participants who
were opposed to the idea of getting
married: zero.

DIRTY TALK

In a recent study in the Archives of
Sexual Behavior, the percentage of
heterosexual men who said that the
most arousing term to describe coitus
is "make love,” 60; percentage of het-
erosexual women who said this, 90.
Percentage of men who thought
"fuck" is most arousing, 27; percent-
age of women, 3.

Percentage of men who thought
the most erotic term for female geni-
talia is “pussy,” 30; percentage of
women, 33, Percentage of men who
23; percentage of wom-
en who agreed, 9. ^ —BETTY SCHAAL

campus. Since the sylvan Sixties, stu
dents have called the woods Elfland and
have erected totems, altars and fairy
rings—circles of branches to you—
among the trees, One collegian, a mem-
ber of a group called the Circle of 13
Moons, said, “The forest of Elfland has
become my cathedral.” Appealing to the
laws of nature, this invocation on a scroll
was left the woods: “Lord of the
gnomes and earth clements, let your
Kingdom of lite people surround this
area, forming a cordon to protect and
defend it from interlopers, developers,
realtors, construction, vandalism, ruin
and assassination.” The university—ap-
pealing to the laws of California —dil-
fered, however, and recently felled 150
trees to make way for expansion. We
have messages for both parties involved
here. To the administrators: Stop with
the cutting. To the students: When pick-
ing mushrooms, don't expect to conduct
conversations with the tiny people you
imagine sitting on them.
.

Coldcocked in Australia: Fifteen en-
prising aborigines attacked police
h frozen kangaroo tails and then ate
the evidence.

SEEING DOUBLE

Why, we wondered, is drunk driving
referred to as ОМА. (driving while in-
toxicated) some states and D.U.L
(driving under the miluence) in others?
Turns out many states, such as Illinois,
use the term Ю.О. because it implies
that a driver can be impaired by a sub-
stance other than alcohol—though Wis-
consin defines D,W.L. as driving while
impaired. Some states changed their
statutes’ names during the Seventies
when serious numbers of drug users
were dumb enough to get behind the
wheel. Our source at MADD (Mothers
Against Drunk Driving) confirmed that
D.W.L and D.U.I. are fundamentally in-
terchangeable. We'll drink—but we
won't drive—to that.

Alter the loss in a driving rainstorm to
the eventual Super Bowl winner, the
Redskins, The Atlanta Jowrnal-Constitution
summed up the Falcons’ short-lived
1991 play-off hopes with this equally
short-lived headline: FALCONS LOSE A WET
ONE; THE DREAM'S OVER. [he head ran
once and was changed for later editions.

When a panel of experts in England
was called upon to determine the world's
worst postcards, it chose a dismal view of
high-rise buildings and buses in Red-
ditch, in central England. We are puz-
dled, though, as to how it beat out final.
ists that included “Cassava Bread Baking
on Roof of Amerindian Hut in Rupu-
nuni" and "View of the Gasworks from
Addington Street Toilets in Leeds.

CLEAN, SMOOTH AND UNMISTAKABLY REFRESHING.
SPECIALLY SELECTED RUMS FROM RENOWNED JAMAICAN ESTATES. WAND BLENDED TD A SUPERIDA DRY TASTE IMPORTED BY CARRIAGE HDUSE IMPORTS LID. SPRINGFIELD. N 40% ALC /VOL (BOPRDOF)

VIC GARBARINI

ROCK AND ROLL has always bee
cious mongrel, constandy assimilaung
and recycling its elements. While Eight-
ies groups like Guns n Roses drew on
Seventies bands Led Zep and Aerosmith
for inspiration, those Nineties upstarts,
the La's and Scotland's Teenage Fan-
club, leapfrog back to the Sixties. On
Bandwogonesque (Geflen), Teenage Fan-
club fashions al uni

se where Neil Youn;
it Peter and Gordon?) to ci

(or
melodic, if curdled, valentines. Metal Ba-

by and / Don't Know feature Fanclub's
trademark saccharin, stacked harmonies
and squall guitars. / Dont Know sounds
like Neil's When You Dance You Can Really
Love hijacked by Things We Said Today.
Does it work? Asa Concept (the title of the
band's first song on the album), these
guys click. Melody is making a comeback
to counter the relentless atonal despair
of so much of modern music. Still, Teen-
age Fanclub is most vibrant when drop-
ping cleverness in favor of sincerity, as
on the soon-to-be classic Whai You Do to
Me. Sois pop becoming relevant again as
music instead of product? With Teenage
Fanclub's catchy odes to ambivalence on
one hand and Seattle trash-crazies Nir-
vana topping the charts with an eerily
tuneful update of Louie Louie on the
other, better stay tuned.

Fast curs; Buckwheat Zydeco, On Track
(Charisma): Pungent, bluesy squeeze-
box mania. Antietam Comes Alive (Triple

: Tara Key shreds stereotypes with her
ng brilliance.

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Every history of rock and roll devotes
agraph or two to sexy s R&B,
smirking over Hank Ballard's Work with
Me Annie, Billy Ward's 60 Minute Man
and the back seat of Dad's Ford. But
only collectors own even those two c
sored hit
son's Big Ti
osmith in 1975, or the Bees"
which resurface
Ding-a-Ling. So Rhino's Risque Rhythm,
which compiles 14 blues obscurities (plus.
four bonus tracks on the CD version), is
a revelatio
Since I'ma heterosexual male, I wasn't
surprised at the erotic charge of Dinah
Washington's. Big Long Slidim Thing
(about a trombone player) and Long John
Blues (about a dentist filling her cavity).
I'd expected salac la Julia Lee
and her Boyfriends My Man Stands Out
or Roy Brown and his Mighty M
Men's Butcher Pete (Part 1) (“chopping up

much less Bull Moose Jack-
Inch Record, covered by Aer-
loy Bell,

Fanclub leaptrogs back to the Sixties.

Teenage Fanclub's catchy
odes to ambivalence; a
collection of salacious songs.

all the women’s meat,” students of rap
metaphor will want то know) Rut noth-
ing prepared me for the sensuality of the
Swallows’ deep-swinging H Ain't the Meal
ficiently legendary Wynonie
Harris’ simply titled Wasn't That Good.
{t's about how wonderful good sex is.
And it makes you hear the magic. Risque
Rhythm is more than a great collection of
dirty songs. It’s a great introduction to a
rich music.

FAST CUTS: Let^s Cut It: The Very Best of El-
more James (Flair/Virgin): The man who
perfected electric bottleneck. John Lee
The Ultimate Collection 1948-1990
of forever yo

This is never young

DAVE MARSH

For a lot of his fans, Magic Sam was
the last of the great Chicago bluesmen,
the true king of the West Side scene. And
then, just a few weeks after his tri-
umphant appearance at the 1969 Ann
Arbor Blues Festival—where he was all
anybody in a crowd that saw Muddy

Waters, Howlin’ Wolf, Son House and
Lightnin’ Hopkins wanted to talk
about—Sam, who was all of 32, keeled
over and died.

Sam's best records (recorded for small
Chicago labels and often reissued, main-
ly on Delmark) revealed a good guitarist
and the sweetest voice in town. But Give

Ne Time (Delmark, 4121 North Rockwell,

ings, а doze
holler and romp around the room, pals
kibitz—the absence of formality is akin
to a field recording, but this wasn't Mis-
sissippi, it was Chicago in January 1968,
and Magic Sam was looking for the main
chance. He sings the Falcons’ rock-and-
roll hit You're So Fine and Faye Adams’
old gospel R&B hymn Shake a Hand, as
well as such standard blues as Sweet Little
Angel and I Can't Quit You Baby. Nobody
ever made a more atmospheric record.
And what an atmosphere: both joyous,
as Sam takes delight in the spell his own
voice can cast, and heartbreaking, as you
ealize that thi , there ain't no more
from this beautiful, supremely gifted
artist. If you listen to music for its power
to stir your heart, G Me Time will
shake you to your soul.

rast cuts: Jackie and the Starlites’ Vat-
erie (Relic): Makes Little Richard sound
like the least histrionic man in showbiz
(Box 572, Hackensack, New Jersey
07602). Jim Lauderdale's Planet of Love
(Reprise): Hon th heart. John

Lee Hooker's More Real Folk Blues
(Chess/MCA): Unreleased for a quarter
century, This Land Is Nobody's Land was

written in response to—what? Vietnam,
Selma, the Civil War centenn; It now
sounds like the most somberly propheuc
song of the Sixties: “This land is no-
body's land/1 wonder why they're fight
ing over this land.”

CHARLES M. YOUNG

For all the white people who still turn
on MTV and ask, "Where did this hip-
hop stuff come from?” | recommend
Street Jams (Rhino). a four-CD history of
p music that revives most of the essen-
tial early cuts by such founding fath
(and mothers) as Kurtis Blow, Sugarhill
Gang, Dimples D., Grandmaster Flash &
the Furious Five, The roots that led to
every branch of current dance pop are
evident here in a glorious profusion of
ideas that belie the notion that rap is
somehow “not music.” Since these songs
document the era when i ments
were just giving way to sampling and
scratching, they are much easier on the
unac ated ear than current stars like

Enemy, who have crossed over
y to metalheads who want their

Great social
ics. Is it time

Public

FAST CUTS: Bring the Noise: A Guide to
Rap Music and Hip-Hop Culture (Harmony

FAST TRACKS

BRINGING UP BABY DEPARTMENT: Eddie
Van Halen's instrumental 3/6 was writ-
ten for son Wolfie before he was born.
Says Eddie, "When Valerie was preg-
nant, he was totally nailing her blad-
der. l'd take an acoustic guitar, lay it
on her belly, play the song and it
would chill him out" Eddie says
Wolfic is still a big fan. Sounds like
useful info for Dr. Spock.

REELING AND ROCKING: Maxi Priest,
Branferd Marsalis and actor Alan (New

Jack City) Payne will be featured in

Rhythm, a movie about London's un-
derground-dub music scene.
NEWSBREAKS: Natalie Cole taped a
concen for the PBS series Great Perfor-
mances. . . - Fine Young Cannibals are in
the studio working on an LP for re-
lease late this year. . . . George Michael's.
new album wont be Listen Without
Prejudice, Volume И alter all (look for
that in 1993). Instead, he's about to
release a dance disc called Extended
Play Thing, containing seven original
studio cuts and two live coven
Pete Townshend has agreed, for the first
time, to help a theatrical company
stage Tommy. It's scheduled for a July
run at the La Jolla Playhouse in Cal-
ilornia. The Who does not expect to
perform Tommy in concert anymore,
which is the main reason Townshend
is interested. in adapting it for the
stage... . Don Everly's son Edan has a
band by the same name, and his de-
but LP will include member Frankie
Avalon, Jr, on drums. Guest artists
Avalon senior, uncle Phil Everly and
Dad will be featured on the cut Some-
limes. . .. Some record-company execs
are predicting that these bad econom-
ic times will reduce the number of new
bands getting contracts. Hardest hit?
Rock-and-roll groups. Country music
s meeting with more success. . . . In
spite of lots of whining from the
record companies, which won't make

as much money this wa ma-
jor trend to look for this year is the
used-CD shop. It's a cheaper way to
get the sounds. . . . The new Commit-
ments LP is one of the rare examples
ofa sound track having a sequel even
when the movie hasn't. . . - Just to
keep you on your nostalgia toes: June
1992 will mark the 25th anniversary
of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club
Band. . . Don't expect to see the
Queen boxed set before the end of the
year. . . . Heart's Ann and Nancy Wilson
are wondering why MTV rejected the
band's leo for You're the Vo
They're calling it political censorship
because the video features antiwar
and pro-choice demonstrators. Ai
they right? . . . The Dead's latest LP,
Infrared Roses, is only available
through the band’s mail-order label
(800-225-3323) and is billed as a live
improv. Sound-crew member Bob
Bralove has taken portions of the con-
certs’ free-form improvisations to cre-
ate the album. .. . There seems to be
a new disagreement brewing between
the Parents Music Resource Genter
and the record companies. The rec-
ord companies interpret their agree-
ment with the PMRC as requiring
warning labels to be placed only on
records released after 1985. PMR¢
wants everything labeled, More than
enough, already... . Fender has cre-
atcd an official Stevie Ray Vaughan gui
tar that you, too, can own... . Gon-
certs stil yield the si revenues
of any pay-per-view telecasts. Produc-
ers are trying to figure out answers to
two problems: how to make them
more exciting and how to get them to
more potential subscribers. . . . Final-
ly, Guns n Roses have given up trying.
to start their concerts on time. Tickets
now say, “around eight rw" Isn't it
amazing what the fans will put up
wi BARBARA NELLIS

Books), by Havelock Nelson and Michael
А. Gonzales: Idiosyncratic encyclopedia
that vividly conveys rap's dec

self and howl of outrage at the dominant
culture, Not definitive, but enlightening.
Dance the Devil Away (Hannibal/Rykodisc),
by Outback: Australian band combines
eerie sounds of aboriginal didgeridoo
with guitar, violin and percussion for an
exotic blend of music. Catchy and sur-
prisingly accessible. Heather Mullen (east/
west): Gorgeous voice, believable emo-
Чоп and melodic gifi make for non-
schmaltz pop that is way beyond easy
tening. Rhythmic Essence: The Art of the
Dumbek (Lyrichord), by R. A. Fish: A small,
marvelously expressive Middle Eastern
drum called the dumbek carries the en-
tire CD. In this new age of manly drum-
ming, any musician can learn (steal)
something useful here. Cowbeat of My
Heart (Shiffaroe), by Pal Sha Slow
Children singer goes solo with qu
pop melodies and strange enunciation
that fits her we're-all-drowning-in-dys-
function lyrics. Smart and charming.

NELSON GEORGE

In the annals of hip-hop, few LPs ha
captured the edgy paranoia of thi cet-
level drug dealer as chillingly as Mr.
Se ce's Mr. Scarface ls Back (Rap-a-Lot
Records). Building on his views in the
Geto Boys’ classic Mind Playing Trichs on
Me, this Гам solo LP by Biad J
(а. scarface) contains a series of
raps told in the first person by a self-de-
scribed insane crack dealer. The song ti-
ues (Born Killer, Murder by Reason of In-
sanity, Diary of a Madman) only suggest
ity of the writing. Scar
the Sam Peckinpah of hip-hop vi

maker of The Wild Bunch would have sa-
vored like good tequila. Is Scarface so-
cially redeeming? Let's put it this way: If
you like such Joel Silver movies as The
Last Boy Scout, then Mr: S.
for you, my friend.

FAST CUTS: Those nc
era of streetwise music should |
Pimps, Players and Private Eyes (Sire/Rhyme
Syndi ilation of
tunes from early Seventies blaxploitation
movies. Isaac Hayes's theme from Shaft
well remembered, but the Four Tops
Are You Man Enough? from Shaft in Africa
and Curtis Mayfield's Pusherman d
revival as well. Louis Jordan, a Forties
singer and bandleader, influenced
Chuck Berry and is a link between swing
and R&B. five Guys Nomed Moe on CD
(Relativity) and now on Broadway show-
cases Jordan's songs, standards such as
Caledonia and obscurities such as Messy
Bessy, in wey observations about love
and life. 7 a fine intro to Jordan's
music d a the play.

There are three indispensable items for every Finnish
x, fishing excursi fishing pole, a fishing buddy, and,
d. of course, Finlandia. (As you might guess, one of these

items may be a little more essential than the other two.)

o and an by bode el айын Gm Isar Piae Do Came

в
1
|.

[nr ILANDH

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

A CROWDPLEASING comedy called My
Cousin Vinny (Fox) is carried from fitful
start to hilarious finish by Joe Pesci, in a
total departure from his Oscar perfor-
mance as a psychopathic killer in last
year's GoodFellas. This time, Pesci plays a
seemingly inept New York lawyer who
took six years to pass the bar exam and
has never handled a court case. Vinny
es his Cadillac to rural Al
defend his cousin Bill (Ralph Macchio)
and Bill’s college buddy (Mitchell Whit-
field), who face a murder charge stem-
ming from a convenience-store robbery
they didn't do. From a screenplay by
Dale Launer (who wrote Ruthless People),
director Jonathan Lynn wages a North-
South cultural war with some capable ac
complices—among them Marisa Tomei
as Vinny's quick-witted girlfriend and
Fred Gwynne as the bemused judge.
Cousin Vinny wins the day as pop ente
tainment worth more than its weight in
wisecracks. ¥¥¥

.
Hor men, head-turning women and
atin beat keep everything
on the move in The Mambo Kings (Warner
Bros.) a dramatic and tuneful tale of
brotherly love. As the Castillo brothers,
who emigrate trom Havana to New York
in 1952, Armand Assante and Antonio
Banderas ignite the screen with pas
Although Banderas, the Spanish st
Pedro Almodóvar's major hits, might
steal every scene opposite a lesser actor,
it's Assante who dominates Mambo Kings
with a prodigious outpouring of sex-
ual energy that beats any film work he
has done to date. Cathy Moriarty and
Dutch-born Maruschka Detmers (like
Banderas, scoring high in a first Ameri-
can movie role) warmly play the women
in their lives. On piano, drums and
trumpet, the Castillo boys rise to fame
and fortune when they're booked on the
1 Love Lucy show. Desi Arnaz, Jr. (playing
his own father), bandleader Tito Puente
and Cuban singing star Celia Cruz add
flair to a moving, sentimentalized show
biz saga adapted freely by Cynthia Cidre
from Oscar Hijuelos' Pulitzer Prize nov-
el. Producer-director Arne Glimcher
brings some nice touches to Mambo
Kings. A novice director, he's got heart,
rhythm and some of the good old-fash-
ioned glitz that made Hollywood the
home of movie musicals. ¥¥¥
.

An entirely different sort of film is
The Puerto Ricon Membo (Cabriolet), in
which stand-up comedy sequences alter-
nate with sketches reminiscent of carly
Woody Allen films. Writer, star and mov-
ing spirit of the piece, which is subtided

an insistent

Vinny's Joe Pesci, Marisa Tomei

Pesci's comic side shines
in Vinny; two dissimilar
films move to a mambo beat.

n parentheses "not a musical." is Luis
Cabarello, with helpful input from w
er-director Ben Model. The movie is
made on the cheap and looks it, but a
low budget has not inhibited Cabarcllo's
mbunctious but good-natured sense of
humor. He sharpens his ax on movies—
from West Side Story to La Bamba—that
pointedly find non-Hispanics to play the
big parts. When he puts on a suit for a
job interview, they think he has come to
wash windows. Casual acquaintances as-
sume he's pushing drugs, and in one
droll episode he befuddles a shrink who
suggests that New York's Puerto Rican
Day parade will polish his self-image
with the retort: “What are we celebrat-
ing—sixty years of food coupons?” From
the wrong person, such jokes might be
considered politically incorrect. Making
the most of being “mamboed to death,”
Cabarello turns his jibes into exhilarat-
rp-edged social comment. ¥¥¥
.

Being an acknowledged movie genius
gives Woody Allen plenty of elbow room.
All the same, Allen's obscure Shadows and
Feg (Orion) may be pushing his luck.
Based on his own litle-known pla
called Death, Woody's expanded. film.
version is a philosophi,
that simultaneously looks Chaplinesque,
Felliniesque, Bergmanesque and some-
thing like German expressionism. Allen
plays a kind of Everyman wandering
through murky European streets where

ng, sha

horror show

a crazed killer is at large. En route, he
bumps into circus people (Madonna,
John Malkovich and Mia Farrow), vigi-
lantes and a houscful of whores played
by such illustrious types as Lily Tomlin,
Jodie Foster and Kathy Bates. They ap-
pear to be amusing one another, but
Shadows and Fog isn't much fun for the
rest of us. Allen has been quoted as
saying that his true ambition is to be
somebody else. Please, Woody, just be
yourself. УУ

Set in an urban Everytown in a period
that seems more or less modern, Johnny
Suede (Miramax) is primarily a surreal
tic showcase for Brad Pitt. This lad's fu-
ture as a movie star was pretty well fixed
by his scene stealing as the amoral cow-
boy who seduces Geena Davis in Thelma.
& Louise. Playing the title role, Pitt sports
a mile-high hairdo that seems to be some
sort of homage to Ricky Nelson. John-
пуз a musician with minimal talent,
throwaway sex appeal and a history of
unsuccessful relationships. Не fights
with his young black friend, Deke

(Calvin Levels), loses the girl he wants

(Alison Moir) and m
wants him (Catherine Keener). While
writer-director Tom DiCillo's offbeat
comedy has marginal momentum, it
reathrms Pitt as a screen legend m the
making. YVY

reats the girl who

The movie version of Edward tI (Fine
Line) is an eroticized adaptation, in
modern dress, of a play by Shakespeare
contemporary Christopher Marlowe
Derek Jarman, the English director
whose Hair for outrageous overstate-
ment had free rein in such films as Sebas-
tiane and Caravaggio, swesses the theme
of homosexual politics. His Edward
(Steven Waddington) is a sullen English
monarch who loves his crown less than
he loves his boon companion, Piers Gav-
eston (Andrew Tiernan). As the queen
mother who conspires to unseat her son,
Tilda Swinton is stylishly chic in a movie
so high, wild and handsome that al
anything gocs. Matter of fact, one of
maddest moments is a dance sequence
between Edward and Gaveston, spruced
up with a sudden cameo by the Euryth-
mics’ Annie Lennox in a torchy rendi-
uon of the Cole Porter classic Every Time
We Say Goodbye. Purists beware: Jarman
turns tradition upside down. ¥¥/2

Director Rowdy (Road House) Her-
gion manages to talk out of both sides
of his mouth in a blood-and-guts drama
called Gladiator (Columbia). The familiar
story concerns a tough white high school
kid named Tommie (James Marshall)
whod rather go to college than take up

ost

Le
The Government of the British Virgin Islands announces

Columbus maps out plans
for the voyage he called the
"Enterprise ol the Indies."

On board the "Santa
Maria," Columbus and.
his crew first sight land.

Coins shown actual size.
Diameter 40mm.

25 Official

Legal Tender Coins.
Minted in Solid
Sterling Silver.
Face Value of

Each Coín: U.S. $25
Price for Each Proof:
$29.50 U.S. LIMITED EDITION

In 1492, a bold adventurer named Christopher Columbus set sail оп a
voyage that changed the world forever. And now, 500 years later, you
can acquire an historic collection of solid sterling silver commemo-
ralive Praof coins portraying the great moments of 1492 and beyond.

THE OISCOVERY OF AMERICA 500TH ANNIVERSARY COIN COLLEC-
TION is official legal tender of the British Virgin Islands — which
Columbus discovered and named Las Virgenes. Each coin will be
minted in solid sterling silver with a flawless full Proof finish. Each
will have a face value 01$25, equal to $25 їп U.S. currency.

This is the most comprehensive collection of coins ever to honor
the triumph of Columbus. Issued in /imited edition, it is available
only until the end of the Anniversary Year— Dctober 31, 1993. To guar-
antee your issue price of just $29.50 per coin, please complete and
mail the Official Subscription Application by the date shown thereon.

RETURN ASSURANCE POLICY

If you wish to return any Franklin Mint purchase, you may do so
within 30 days of your receipt of that purchase for replacement, credit
or refund.

ISCOVERY OF AMERICA

On his second voyage, Columbus
discovers “Las Once Mil Virgenes”
—the Virgin Islands.

The Royal Portrait о!
Queen Elizabeth I and
the special anniversary

dating will appear on

each $25 coin,

A handsome presentation
сазе measuring 14° L by

7” W by 1° H will be provided
at no additional charge.

OFFICIAL SUBSCRIPTION APPLICATION

LIMITED EDITION

‘The Franklin Mint Please mail by May 31, 1992.
Franklin Center. Pennsylvania 19091

YES. vish to enter my subscription for one complete Proof Set of THE DISCOVERY OF AMER-
|| ICA SOOTH ANNIVERSARY COIN COLLECTION. consisting of 25 legal tender coins of the British
| Virgin Islands, to be minted in solid sterling silver with a face value of U.S. $25. each.
! need SENO NO MONEY NOW. | will receive two coins every other month, with a final
| shipment of three coins. 1 will be billed for just one coin at a time — $29.50" per mon!
I beginning prior to my first shipment. The presentation case, a Certificate of Auth
|| and specially prepared reference notes discussing the historic events portrayed are mine at

ү каии Plus my state sales tax and $1.50 per coin for shipping and handling
SIGNATURE

ALL SUBSCRIPTIONS ARE SUBJECT To ACCEPTANCE

MRMRS/MISS. =
PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY

ADDRESS —

UTYSINEZIP

| emnt 18815-141

OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT ISSUE

amateur boxing. He decides to fight
when two ruthless promoters. (Brian
Dennehy and Robert Loggia) almost

Kate as waitress, mom.

OFF CAMERA

Rain-soaked and rushed, actress
Kate Nelligon slips into her corner
seat at a New York eatery for a
brief lunch before dashing off to a
famous designer's atelier to bor-
row a gown she'd wear at the
Golden Globe awards in L.A. “I'm
co-presenting something with
John Goodman, who was so mar-
velous in Barton Fink. 1 guess they
choose people who aren't nomi-
nated as presenters, to make them
feel better" Nelligan obviously
feels great, whether or not Oscar

ize her two stunning
formances—as the randy
n Frankie < Johnny and
the vivacious mother in Prince of
Tides, whom she played young and
old with dazzling aplomb.

Nelligan, the former London-
to-Broadway star of Plenty, is an es-
tablished stage luminary with four
Топу nominations behind her, but
her movie career hit a maje "
after Without a Trace and Eler
hardly worked for five years. In
Hollywood, nothing. They thought:
She's 50, she's English and she
does those asexual parts." In fact,
she is 40, Cana born but
wained in London, earthy, cur-
rently pregnant (“I'm having the
baby in July”), married to a song-
writer she met on a project to help
street kids. “Now people who
would not see me six months ago
are calling up. But why should I
be labeled a character act 2
Th the kiss of death. I'm not
ZaSu Pitts.”

Nelligan thanks Frankie & Johuny
director Garry Marshall “for
bringing me out of cold storage.
You have to be a movie star even to
get а play on Broadway now. Peo-
ple expect me to act like a grande
dame, but I'm not abo: aking
movies. I want to win”

force him into the ring. The locale is
Chicago's South Side, where Tommy's
peers are predominantly black youths
trying to slug their way up from poverty
One of them, Lincoln (Cuba Gooding.
Jr), becomes Tommy's best friend after a
stormy start. Thus Gladiator plugs nonvi-
olence and racial unity while virtually
shaking the rafters—and pleasing the
crowd—with knockout punches of sheer
exploitation. The acting is excellent
throughout, but all that talent can't sal-
vage a dubious cause. ¥¥
.

Spain's reigning sex symbol, Victoria
Abril, brings artful seduction to a new
high in the subtitled Lovers (Arics). Abril
plays a wicked widow who rents out the
spare room in her Madrid apartment to
à recently discharged soldier named Pa-
co (Jorge Sanz). While Paco's virtuous,

rginal girlfriend Trini (Maribel Verdu)
awaits his visits in a quiet village, his racy
landlady introduces Paco to sex, lies and
swindling. After deflowering Trini and
talking her out of her life savings, his
next move is to get rid of her. As Lovers
lurches to a tragic ending, it holds inter-
nly because of Abrils sensual
chery, ¥¥/2

The exotic Sea Islands, off the South
Carolina/Georgia саам, provide the
lush background for Doughters of the Dust
(Kino International). Written and direct-
cd by Julie Dash, who hereby stakes h
claim as a young black film maker to
watch, Daughters focuses mostly on the
womenfolk of a Gullah family nal-
ly, slaves from West Africa—facing a
move to the mainland from their idy
isle circa 1902, Like the world-weary Yel-
low Mary (Barbara-O), who has been
there and back, you may wonder why
anyone wants to go. The thick regional
accents can often be impenetrable, but
Dash seldom misses the earthy humor
and home truths of a rich native
culture. УУУ

.
The dark and deadly Docteur Petiot
(Aries), co-authored and directed by
‘hristian de Chalonge, is a frightening
rench thriller about a mass murderer at
during World War Two. Petiot was
a married, fatherly physician who was
1 hobby—

g and killing people, mostly
Jews who believed he was arranging
ir passage to South America ing
the grandest
alt achieves a level
of lip-licking horror seldom scen on the
since Charlie Chaplin played the

Рени might have been little more th
depressing. In Serraull’s brilliantly su
real interpretation, i s а seriocomic
shocker of unnerving impact. Stay away
or brace yourself. VY

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

American Dream (Reviewed 4/92) Strik-
ers’ saga won an Oscar. vuv
Doughters of the Dust (See review) Gul-
lab women in stunning saga. УУУ
Docteur Perior (Scc review) Serial mur-
derer in the Nazi era vw
Edword П (Sec review) Boy meets boy,
and one gets a crown. We
Final Analysis (4/92) Basinger bamboo-
ales Gere in a psycho-shocker without
abr

п in its head. y
Gladiator (< eview) Slugging it out
while preaching against it
Hear My Song (1/92) Ned Beatty's the
rediscovered Irish tenor in a daft, dis-
arming folk comedy vw
Howards End (4/92) Another Forster
triumph on film, from the team that
delivered А Room with a View. — VY
1 Don't Buy Kisses Anymore (1/92) A
chubby salesman in love. Ја
Into the Sun (4/92) Top Gun taken with a

grain of sand. Wh
Johnny Suede (See review) Shining up
a showcase for Brad Pitt. wy
к? (12/91) Stirring adventure for
climbers scaling heights узу
Lovers (Sce review) Abril in Madrid,
naughty as ever Wh
The Mambo Kings (Sce review) Two

Cuban swingers take New York. vuv

A Midnight Clear (2/92) World War Two
Glison a mi n. yyy
Mississippi Masala (3/92) Interracial ro-
mance down South. vvv
My Cousin Vinny (See review) Dixie do-
ings for a New York lawyer yyy

Othello (1/92) Shakespeare's Moor, ас-
cording to Orson Welles. vuv
The Puerto Rican Mombo (Scc review)
Pointedly tongue-in-cha-cha. vix
Raise the Red Lentern (4/92) In China
circa 1920, a beautiful woman learns
marriagc is hell Уууу
Rhapsody in August (1/92) Back to
Japan with Gere and Kurosawa. УУУУ»
Roadside Prophets (Listed only) Not re-
ally worth a side trip. y
Secret Friends (4/92) Alan Bates has a
breakdown in transit. уу
Shadows and Fog (Sec review) On the
dark side with. Woody Allen. y
Spotswood (4/92) As an efficiency man,
Anthony Hopkins is below par. — YY
This Is My Life (Listed only) Nora
Ephron gets into showbiz EA
Toto the Hero (4/92) A brilliantly comic
ode to Everyman УУУУ
Where Angels Fear to Tread (4/92) More
E. М. Forster film fare. yy

YY Worth a look
Y Forget it

YYYY Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

#1
Premium
Beer?

FA Non-Pasteurized
Ш Triple Cold Filtered
Tá All Natural Ingredients

EA Four Centuries of Family *
Brewing Heritage

PREMIUM LAGER

Mi Excellence in Brewing Since 1615

Grolsch importers, Inc., Átlapta, GA 30339

VIDEO

EUST SEDI

"| like experimental
films," squeals Satur-
day Night Live's
creepy androgyne,
Pat, "and romances
because Im a very
~ sexual being" Like
d those before us, we

couldn't nail down
Pat's gender (though, video-wise, we
learned that he/she prefers Beta to VHS: "I
have a Beta machine. It was given to me
by my old flame, Leslie"). Pat's favorite
rentals: Tootsie, Switch, Victor/Victoria, A
Man and a Woman and Some Like lt Hot
("There's a male and female side in every-
one”). Fave directors: the weird Davids—
Lynch and Cronenberg. ("Oh, and John
Waters! I'm mad for Divine!”) Sex symbol:
Rambo or Linda Hamilton? "Neither. | like
David Bowie." One last try: Would Pat
pose for Playboy? “Oh, yes! But you'll have
to wait. | need to lose ten pounds."

—h в ACHESON

VIDEO SLEEPERS
good movies that crept out of town

Defenseless: Murder, pornography and
incest in a tangled tale well-acted by Bar-
bara Hershey, [. T. Walsh, Sam Shepard
and, especially, Mary Beth Hurt.
Drowning by Numbers: Three women rid
the world of their expendable menfolk.
Arguably the funniest, most accessible ef-
fort so far by kinky Peter Greenaway (of
The Cook, the Thief fame).

The Householder: This Anglo-Indian do-
mestic comedy was the beguiling first
feature in what will be a memorable se-
ries of vid releases by the Merchant-
Ivory (A Room with a View) team

Love Hurts: As a habitual rover facing a di-
vorce on the eve of his sister's wedding,
ls has heart, humor and an

Wait Until Spring, Bandini: Homey amuse-
ment in the Rockies—with Joe Mante-
s a bricklayer devoted to his son, his

ly). —BRUCE WILLIAMSON

THE NATIONAL VIDTIME

Don’t wait for the first pitch of the 1
season—catch the

Nolan Ryan unloads a ball to ice his
seventh no-hitter; Joe Carter marvels at
Cal Ripken's All-Star Home-Run Derby
urity guard bumps bellies

rd baseman chasing a fot

out-of this World Series, Final sco

grand slam, thank you, fans
1991 World Series: The Twins-
terpiece through a new le E
field-level camera angles and interviews
help unravel the mysteries of class
baseball drama (e.g, ump reveals why
he called Braves’ Ron Gant out on Ке
Hrbek's tough tag). With five one-run
games, this vid can't miss—and doesn't
This Week in Baseball’s Greatest Plays: Mel
Allen brings you 15 years of the best of
TWIB: Triple plays. amazing throws,
catcher hes and defensive wizardry
from the Oz.

Baseball’s Greatest Moments: Twenty his-
tor relived. The stars glow
and gl shining moments, cap-
val footage. Biggest sur-

t in thei
tured in archi
prise: Willie Mays says, hey, he knew he

would make that over-the-shoulder
catch in the 1954 Series. He was worried
about the throw: —GARY A. WEINSTEIN
(All tapes $19.95; from Major League Base-
ball Productions, 1-800-223-2200.)

VIDBITS

With the publication of The X-Rated Video-
tape Guide Il (Prometheus), Robert Rim-
mer's two-volume set now boasts more
than 3000 minireviews of adult films
leased through September 1991. The
books go for about 18 bucks each; call
800-421-0351. .. . Get out your dumb-
bells and fire up the VCR. In Keys to
Weight Training for Men and Women, livc-
time Mr. Universe winner Bill Pearl
takes you through three free-weight rou-

>signed to get your bod back in
in time for the beach. Tape
h 20-page handbook and exer-
cise log; call Critics’ Choice, 800-
7765. .. . Actor-singer Hoyt Axton is the
sharpshooting host of Guns of the Old West
sel, a video browse through the
world’s vaunted firearms collections, su-
pervised by noted Smith & Wesson histo-
rian Roy Jinks.

GLOBAL VIDEO

New Yorker Video has a new world order
of its own. From Germany, China and
Japan comes a triple-header release of:
The Marriage of Maria Braun: Rainer Wer-
ssbinder's quirky romance about a
World War Two ivor (Hanna Schy-
gulla) whose sexy wiles see her through
Germany's postwar reconstruction.

The Girl from Hunan: A landmark of new
Chinese cinema, this is the story of a 12-
year-old girl's arranged marriage to a
toddler. Healthy doses of so
mentary, stunning cinematography; di-
rected by Xie Fe
The Idiot: Akira Kurosawa's 1951 saga
transposes Dostoiewsky's classic novel

comes w

il com-

(All lapes $79.95; from New Vorher. Video,
800-447-0196.)

VIDEO STIMULI

Step away from your couch and onto
the fringe. From Mystic Fire Video

Barton Fink (playwright goes to hell via Hollywood; surreol
thriller from the brothers Coen); Dead Again (serious déjà

MYSTERY

vu flummoxes private dick Kenneth Branogh, who clso ci-

rected); Fatal Attraction (director Adrion Lyne's original cut—
whole new ending).

Boyz n the Hood (teens hang tough in violence-crippled
South Central L.A.; director John Singleton's gritty debut);
Little Man Tate (seven-year-old genius learns that being
smart smorts; Jodie Foster directs/stars); The Doctor (de-
tached surgeon Bill Hurt gets sick—then sweet).

Three from PBS: LB: A Biography (four hours on the men |

DOCUMENTARY

who inherited the Presidency—then Vietnom); A. Erste
How See the World (diaries and home movies drive:

of the eggheod's egghead); The Second American d |
(documeister Bill Moyers on the civil rights.

comes the ultimate in sight-and-sound
stimulation:

Visual interpretation of the
opus by Benjamin Britten
explores the horrors of war. The only di-
alog is Wilfred Owen's poetry read by Sir
Laurence Olivier. Directed by Derek Jar-
man; music by the London Symphony
Orchestra and Chorus.

Dance of the Warriors: From the PBS docu-
y Ring of Fire, this vid tracks the
ind Lawrence
Blair through the volcanic isles of the
South Pacific. With beautiful landscapes
as background, the brothers trail giant
lizards, watch a sacrificial ceremony and
sit down to supper with cannibals.
Cyberpunk: The title is a term coined by
] Gibson his science-fiction
fe cyberpunks
computer whiz kids who fancy them-
selves high-tech outlaws of the future.
This so-called video edutainment: uses
animation and live action to explore the
underground worlds of artificial reality,
computer hacking and industrial musi
Heaven and Eorth Magic: Horry Smith: Take
an hour of Monty Pythonesque ai
tion and set it to a sound track th:

HOLY VIDEO.

In observance of Easter and Passover,
FoxVideo is serving up its Films of Faith
collection featuring 13 classics at $19.95
each. The lineup, which ranges from Bibli-
cal to biographical to pure Hollywood piety,
includes The Robe (1953), The Agony and
the Ecstasy (1965), Moses (1976), The
Song of Bemadette (1943), The Bible
(1966) and Cleopatra (1963).

of rush-hour traffic in Manhattan—and
that’s what you get here: a noisy, cosmic
collage from the late film maker once
called “an alchemist.” Truly weird stuff.

RICK SABATINI
(AIL films available from Mystic Fire Video,
800-727-8433.)

LASER ALERT

Pioneer Laser Entertainment has re-
leased a new batch of karaoke discs—
those sing-along specials with bac
ground voices and subtitled lyrics.
Included in the eclectic lineup: Sou! Man
(Sam and Dave), / Go to Extremes (Billy
Joel), Nick of Time (Bonnie Raitt) and
Witcherafi (Frank Sinatra).

EO
BRIT

WITS

WEIRD BRITISH COMEDY INVADES THE VCR

In the be-
ginning,
there was Mon-
ty Python's Flying Circus. Actually,
there was radio's Goon Show, with Pe-
ter Sellers and Tony Hancock; then,
in 1969, six university-bred loonies
Taunched Python mania and forever
changed the face of British humor.
Before long, Americans were cheer-
ing for Monty—and more. H
then, is a Yankee’s sampling of U
yuks, many of them new to video:
Fowlty Towers: Pure farce, with Fly-
ing Circus alumnus John Cleese
peak form as Basil Fawlty, harried
manager of a grungy seaside hotel.
The episode in which Basil unvi
tingly insults a group of German
tourists is nothing short of genius
and only one reason why Towers is of-
ten considered the greatest sitcom
ever (CBS/Fox, 12 episodes on four
volumes).
Ripping Yarns: Fellow Pythoneer
Michael Palin has a gentler touch
but equally askew comic style. In
each of his Yarns, Palin appears as a
lucky hero who, by sheer stick-to-
ess, becomes a school bully.
robs a train, breaks an ancient cur:
and crosses the Andes—by frog
(CBS/Fox, nine episodes on three
volu;
ma Yeon Ones: That would be Vyv-
yan (Ade Edmondson), the homici-
da] punk; Neil (Nigel Planer), the
suicidal hippie; and Rik (Rik May-
all, the anarchist and selfpro-
claimed people's poet—all sharing a
ramshackle house in London. Popu-
lar U.K. comedian Alexei Sayle got
his start here, playing a deranged
landlord (CBS/Fox, three episodes
оп one volume).
Kevin Turvey: Rik Mayall goes solo as
a demented researcher serving up
minimonologs about “work, media,
sex, leisure, sex again, death, de-
pression and nasty іше sticky

things."
Fun—in small doses (BFS,
one volume).
Black Adder Ш: Edmund Blackadder,
18th Century butler to a submoron-
ic prince, connives his way in and
out of calamities, backed by a stellar
supporting cast of fools and fops.
Acid-tongued Rowan Atkinson is the
perfect match for the gloriously wit-
ty scripts of Richard Curtis and Ben
Elton. (CBS/Fox, six episodes on two
volumes).

Three of a Kind: This Laugh-In-in-
spired comedy hour stars Trac

Ullman and Lenny Henry deliver
ing lines such as: (Preacher) *
gathered here today for p
quiet. I've had a little piece
hope she keeps quiet.” Definitely a
mixed bag (CBS/Fox, one volume).

The Best of the Two Ronnies: Barker's
the big one, Corbett's the short one
with the huge glasses—and this
greatest-hits collection culled from
their TV variety show is surpri:
weak. (Still, our favorite lin The
Stack Breeder’s Gazette and Playboy
magazine are merging to produce
the Farma Sutra") Instead, stick with
the Ronnies’ By the Seo and The Picnic,
two “silent” film farces with slapsi
as belly-laughable as Benny Hill's
best (Ronnies, CBS/Fox, one volume;
By the Sea/Pienic, BFS, one volume
Scotch & Wry: Scottish comic Rikl
Fulton headlines sketches st
from the old school. Funni
little old lady and her petrified driv-
ing instructor. But be warned—
these accents should come with sub-
titles (BES, one volume).

Cool H—With Phil Cool: Cool's remark-
able for his amazing physical mim-
icrics. Victims include Mick Jagger,
Bryan Ferry, Pope John Pa

that? line:
someone who crawled out

der a Stone.

Funny stuff (BES, one
volume).

—DAVID LEFKOWITZ,

МАКЕ RESPONSIBILITY PART OF YOUR ENJOYMENT.

By DIGBY DIEHL

DESPITE DECADES ОЁ excessive press given
10 the business of moviemaking, only a
handful of book-length reports from
inside Hollywood have captured the
essence of the beast—such books as
William Goldman's Adventures in the
Seen Trade, John Gregory Dunne's The
Studio, David McClintick's Indecent Expo-
swe and Julia Phillips’ Youll Never Eat
Lunch in This Town Again. Now add to
that select library Paul Rosenfield's catty,
chatty, deliciously telling The Club Rule:
Power, Money, Sex, and Fear—How It Works
Hollywood (Warner). The list of 400 pro-
ducers, actors, agents and
the true Hollywood insidi
makes up the annotation lor this boo!
a devastatingly accurate directory of the
Hollywood power structure,

This is, however, much more than a
Who's Who of the rich and famous. Ro-
senfield understands the importance in
Hollywood (as elsewhere) of personal
ory, old connections, nepotism, fam-
ily secrets, past marriages, forgouei
sts, ancient business favors and bur-
ied bodies, With breezy (and occasional-
ly bitchy) enthusiasm, he traces the li
ваце of club members through revealing
anecdotes, like some racetrack tout run-
ning down Thoroughbreds:

“Mike Nichols got in because of Neil
Simon and Elizabeth Taylor and Richard
Burton. Neil Simon got in because of
Robert Redford. Robert Redford got in
because of Sydney Pollack. Robert Red-
ford stayed in because of William Gold-
man (and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance
Kid) and Natalie Wood. Natalie Wood

got in as an adult, because of Elia Kazan
and Warren Beatty," and so on.
A star-struck kid from Ohio, Ro-

senfield started in Hollywood as legman
lor the last real gossip queen. Joyce
Haber. He absorbed a lot of club lore
and club secrets in 20 years as a showbiz

st and he pours it all into thi
insightful book. Savor it, because
betrayal, they'll cancel his club-

house press pass.
Large chunks of nostalgic Califo

history, a bizarre cast of low-life charac-

ters (hat only Elmore Leonard fans

could love and a knockout prose style
are among the good news in Kem
Nunn's most recent novel, Pomona Queen
(Pocket). This witty roller-coaster trip

rough a part of suburban Los Angeles
s when a vacuum-cleaner salesman
named Earl Dean knocks on the door of
Т Brow house in the run-down
part of town. Dan is a drunken, mean
biker whose brother, Buddy, has just
been killed in a knife fight and is laid out
naked in the living room on top of a
freezer. Much against his better judg-

Inside Hollywood,

Catty, chatty, delicious
tell-all books;
memories of the Chicago Mob.

ment, Earl is drawn into Dan's plans for
revenge and burial [rs 2 wild and funny
ride into the night.

Studs Terkel, who turns 80 this
month, celebrates with what is perhaps
the most important book in his scries
that probes the collective national con-
science on important issues: Race: How
Blacks and Whites Think and Feel About the
American Obsession (New Press). Again us-
ing his extraordinary interviewing tal-
ents, Terkel explores attitudes about
race expressed by people from all walks
of life—some of whom have appeared in
his earlier books. No consensus emerges
from the 80 voices in this book, but his

survey clearly documents that we are a
nation still divided by mistrust and mis-
understanding.

The first interview in Race is with
Mamie Mobley, whose 14-year-old son
Emmew Till was brutally murdered by
two white men in Mississippi in 1955. In-
stead of hating the killers or hating white
people in general, Mobley dedicated
herself to helping other black children as
a teacher and аз a worker for the
NAACP. Terkel's most moving inte
views, however, are with C. P. Ellis, a fo
mer Ku Klux Klan leader in Durham,
North Carolina, who became a labor
leader, and with Ann Atwater, a black
woman who fought against him until
they discovered that, as poor people,
they had a lot in common.

In the summer of 1969, Mary Jo
Kopechne died beneath the Dike Bridge

on Chapp: Нех Man-
son went on his killing spree in Bel Air
In that same month in Vietnam, the case
of eight Green Berets charged with mur-
dering a Vietnamese civilian generated
smaller headlines but eventually had a
stunning impact on the Vietnam war
and on American politics. Jeff Stein's A
Murder in Wartime (St tin's) is a fasci-
nating, detailed study of how General
Creighton Abrams’ determined prosecu-
tion of the Berets unraveled a vast CIA
secret assassination program called Proj-
ect Phoenix. Eventually, President Rich-
ard Nixon was forced to abort the trial in
an attempt to prevent further revela-
tions of illegal CIA activities, but he was
too late. This trial persuaded Daniel Ells-
berg to send the top-secret Pentagon pa
pers (which were a record of govern
ment deceit in Vietnam) to The New York
Times. Additional revelations about Proj-
ect Phoenix and other CIA operations
hastened the end of the war. Stein brings
a sensitivity to the human side of these
individual stories, as well as a strong
sense of history to his narration of a piv-
otal event in our recent past

Barry Cifford, author of Wild at Heart,
continues to be one of America's most
original writers. His latest book, A Good
Man to Know (Clark City), is the story ofa
small-timer named Kudy Winston im the
Mob world of Chicago's South Side, pre-
sented as a semiautobiographical fiction-
al memoir. Most of the book consists of
the poignant childhood memories of
Winston's son, supplemented by pho-
tographs, obituaries, newspaper clips
andan FBI file on “The Gulf Coast Bank
Sneak." There are touches of Nelson Al-
gren, E. L. Doctorow and Bugsy Siegel
in this evocation of America in the Foi
ties and Fifties; mostly, though, this is
top-notch Gifford. It hardly matters how
much of it may be truc.

BOOK BAG

Roadfood (HarperCollins), by Jane and
Michael Stern: A brand-new version of
the highway bible is a flavorful guide for
hungry travelers on a tight budget.

One of a Kind: A Compendium of Unique
People, Places and Things (William Mor-
by Bruce Felton: More than 500
entries, including the only ambidextrou
President, the only U.S. state that was
once a kingdom and the only breakfast
cereal ever marketed as a sex-drive
suppressant.

Elevating the Game: Block Men and Basket-
ball (HarperCollins). by Nelson George:
In a lively and compelling narrative,
Playboy music critic George traces the
evolution, triumphs and trials of black
on-court performance.

STYLE

PRINTS CHARMING

If last summer's burst of wildly colored prints made you run
lor your sunglasses, be warned: Prints are going to stay hot.
"This summer's styles will fall into two categories: ethnic pat-
terns and op-art effects. Fortunately, ethnic prints come in
earthy colors such as olive, gold
and brown, so theyre much
easier on the eyeballs than last
year's creations. Among our
favorites are the African tribal
designs that have the look of
batik—an Indonesian meth-
od of hand-printing fabric
to give it the same rough-
hewn style of woodcut art.
The shirt-and-shorts com-
bination by Island Trad-
ing Company shown here
is a good example ($65
and $60, respectively), as
are shirts by Terranova
($60). On the other end of
the print meter—straight out of the
Seventies black-light era—are op-art (line illusion) designs.
Versace sent bold op-art shirts and jeans, primarily in black
and white, down the fashion runway, and now other compa-
nies are following suit. Check out shirts by Aqualung ($44 to
$60) and Autograph ($55), jeans by Gurilla Biscuit ($65) and
op-art bicycle shorts by Nit; Wit ($30). One thing to
count on—no one will miss you coming.

DARE TO BARE IT

Taking a cue from the wilder frontiers of club-
land, many designers are literally taking a
stripped-down approach to spring by featur-
ing sleeveless shirts and vests worn with noth-
ing underneath. Other spring styles also play
peckaboo. See-through-eyelet shiring and
sheer fabrics are one option; Joseph Abboud,
considered one of the most refined men's de-
signers, offers another with his open-weave-
cotton hsherman sweaters ($685). There's al-
so mesh, which turns up in back-baring

vests, and even eye-catching all-mesh
hooded jackets by Gianmarco Venturi
($605). Of course, the spring's ultimate
mesh-master is Jean Paul Gaultier (the

man who created those cone bras for
Madonnz's male dancers). His fishnet-
and-Lycra tops ($460) come embla-

zoned with muscleman appliqués—not

too subtle reminders of the shape you have

to be in to wear them.

Subtle mm and silver; brushed silver;
thong necklaces and bracelets

HOT SHOPPING: VANCOUVER

A collection of hip new shops in Vancouver, British Columbia,
suggests that the city's sleepy, laid-back style is getung a wake-
up call from the steady stream of Hollywood moviemakers

passing through.
VIEWPOINT

Mark James (2941

West Broadway):

High fashion amid “if | like something, | buy twenty of

an interior complete them,” says Tony-winning actor and

with carved totems. o singer Mandy Patinkin, It’s no sur-

Boys Co. (1080 Rob- поса Е

son); Young.desi owns more than 25
pairs of New Balance
M997s, which were

er duds ranging

from daring denims
recommended to
him by his doctor.

to the latest club
It's all about com-

clothes. e Bench

Sports (1331 Rob-
fort, he says. “I don't
own a tie and | hate

son): The place for

funky Hawaiian surf
tuxedos—they're so
restricting." That ex-

jems and collectible
plains the title of his

embroidered sweats.
e The Syndicate (438
West Pender): Catch

= latest album, Mandy
up on your kitsch Patinkin: Dress Cası
here with items such al. It also explains
as vintage lighters why his performance
i3 N "e wardrobe consists of "lucky red

T-shirts and baggy cotton trousers
from Marithé & Francois Girbaud.”
To what lengths will Patinkin go to
maintain this laid-back look? When
Banana Republic redesigned his fa-
vorite T-shirts, he bought some and
had the new necklines lowered to
match the older, looser style.

(2776 Granville):
Shop here for the
most exclusive
clothes in
town. e Mes-
саГеко
(1215 Bid-
well): A
bordello-
turned-eatery with tasty tapas and lots of celebs.

MOONLIGHTING STARS

Even the biggest names in Hollywood can't
bank on the box office these days, so many of
them are amusing themselves in the resiaurant
business. Dudley Moore and Tony Bill got the
ball rolling with 72 Market Street in Los Ange-
les. Since then, everyone from Robert De Niro

(Tribeca Grill, New York) to Johnny Carson (Gra-
nita, Malibu) has gotten the action. Arnold
Schwarzenegger even boasts ownership in two eater-
ies: New York's Planet Hollywood and Scha
Santa Monica. However, marquee menus аге
ways hits. Steven Seagal's short-lived Cl
rant was Marked for Death from the start.

Multiple necklace:
oversized cuff li

Heavy silver, gold or platinum; pewter;
plastic fakes

Onyx; mather-af-pearl; semiprecious

stones; stone mosaics

Lorge, flashy gemstanes; rhinestones;
star sapphires; aversized turquoises

Where 8. How to Buy on роде 163.

\
ү
IN

AMY FANATICALLYN READS: MY

en Ys
DAILY HOROSCOPE
BUT SHE NEVER PREDIÓTED

SUCH AN AWESOME DIAMOND.

og
for something that lasts forever?
A diamondis forever.

GILBEY S? LONDON РЕМ, 40% ALC/VOL DISTILLED FROM 00% С
OTTLED BY WEA CILI 1

P It appeared around
the same time knees did.

Gilbeys.The Authentic Gin.

MAKE RESPONSIBILITY PART OF YOUR ENJOYMENT.

MEN

im Allen, star of the TV show
I Home Improvement, is right on ta
get. For most guys, life is filled with va
ous home-repair projects that run amok.
IF FF AUNT BROKE, FIX IT is their motto.

My father planted the demon seed of
home improvements in my mind at a rel-
atively early age. It all began when we
left our rented apartment in the city and
moved to a Chicago suburb. We were
overmortgaged and overwrought
The house on Oak Street drove my fa-
ther crazy. In his opinion, everything
was wrong with it. You name it, he had
to repair it. From inefficient plumbing to
rotting eaves to a lawn that he saw as
overrun with crabgrass and dandelions,
nothing pleased the restless Jim Baber.
He would walk into the house after a
day's wor the office, and within min-
utes, he would be dressed in his work
clothes and strapped into his tool belt.

My father carried a hammer the way a
grunt carries an M-16. He infected me
with the paranoia that only a homeown-
er can know and turned me into a regu-
lar Mr. F When it rains, you do not
see April showers; instead, you check for
leaks in the roof and buy a new sump
pump for the basement. When it snows,
you do not see nature's glory; instead,
you feel every cold draftas a personal at-
tack on the insulation you installed the
previous summer.

There is no peace in the world of
home improvements. It is like life on the
West Bank. The best you can hope for is
a temporary accommodation with the
place in which you live, and disaster is al-
ways lurking out there like a terrorist.

Do not misunderstand me: Tam very
proud of all the projects my dad and I

undertook. Only our special awkw.
ness could have made them the
screwups they truly were. The lawn

d, the eaves crumbled, the plumbing
backed up, the fuse box exploded. In ev-
ery case, my dad and I snatched defeat
from the jaws of victory. That is home-
improvement talent.

What E did not realize until later was
that the instinct to be a Mr. Fix-it is like a
computer virus. ‘The Mi
starts in one sector of the male bi
soon it takes over the entire system, ev-
ery synapse, every neural impulse. It is
addictive in the extreme and there is no
12-step program to help you through it.

1 found out that I was doomed with
the virus with the first car I ever owned.

By ASA BABER

THE MR.
FIX-IT VIRUS

It was а 1967 Plymouth Barracuda. I
bought it used, and if I'd left that car
alone, it would still be running today.
But what is the point of buying a car
nd never fixing it? Where's the fun?
n more important, how do I put my
mark on it if I don't fix it when it doesn't.
ed fixing?

M ng is what the Mr. Fix-it virus is
all about, of course, whether it's home
improvements or car improvements. Its
territorial and it's male. We spray our
personal property like tomcats do be-
cause we need to mark it to prove it is
ours. Thus the first and only rule of the
Mr. Fix-it virus: If I have not fucked with й,
it is not mine.

My Plymouth Barracuda was bright
yellow. To my mind, it needed racing
Stripes, so I painted some on. They
might have looked more like drips than
pes, but so what?

Tires? No Mr. Fix-it stays with factory
tires. Get wider tires, better tires, racing
су ог die a cuckold and a putz.

New tires require new wheels. Alloy
wheels. Racing wheels. Shock absorbers?
How can you call yourself a man if you
don’t get new shocks? And of course you
new steering wheel that is cov-
leather and easy to grip. A real
man’s steering wheel, that is.

(It is at this point that the woman in

your life will ask, “Honey, isn't all thi:
Stuff costing too much?" When this hap-
pens, do not argue with her. Just smirk
once, grunt and go back to the garage.
Remember: She does not have the Mr.
Fix-it virus, so she cannot understand
your addiction.)

What else did I do to my Barracuda?
You name it, I tried it: new suspension,
new battery, new sunroof and a lot of
fucking with the engine. OK, I admit it.
A new engine, the special Chrysler Hemi
with an air intake in the hood and a
great sound composed of many dBs—
the sound of pow.

Throw in a B-pillar and an antisway
bar, change the camber, replace the
slushbox, add a limited- ferential,
adjust for wheel hop and tuck in a
jounce bumper, monitor the fuel injec
tion and chop the body and channel it,
and you'll have some sense of how 1
messed with my Barracuda.

1 loved that car and it loved me back.
It understood me. It went where I told it
to go and it never argued.

I loved that car so much that when I
gota job in Hawaii, I drove my Barracu-
da from Iowa to California and had it
shipped by ocean freight to Honolulu
would have been cheaper to sell
it, But this car was mine.

I treated it like a baby. I washed it and
waxed it and serviced it. I adjusted the
rpm and corrected the oversteer and re-
lined the brakes. I upgraded the tape
deck and installed four speakers in the
doors and two on the back shelf.

Then I rewired it.

To this day, I think I did it right. And
if 1 had it to do over again, 1 would do
what I did. But something happened.
Tl never know what it was. I just hope
that my Barracuda is up in car heaven
and that it forgives me for killing it.

I remember the moment cle; 1
turned the key in the ignition and poof,
like that, there was a big billow of smoke,
then flames. I watched my beautiful car
burn like a magnesium flare and 1 felt
great sadness. I was losing a friend

But I am a man with the Mr.
virus, so I also felt great pride and
complishment. Al all, | had created
that car. It had my stamp, my mark, my
signature. And now no other man in the
world would ever be able to fuck with it.

Like I said: vict Sort of.

WOMEN

A bunch of us went to the theat
the other night. We saw a o
woman show starring a performance
artist named Carrie, a woman who is
funny, moving. attractive and brilliant.
During the show, she talked about being
a lesbian, and every time she did, some
and work bc

women in
stood up and cheered.

“Those lesbians make me sick," said
Carrie later. “I wish they would stop fol-
lowing me around."

“But why?” I asked nervously. With
lesbians, I'm always afraid ГЇ say some-
thing politically incorrect
“They're so damned politically cor-
rect." Carn id. “They reduce me to a
stereotype, they're not responding to me
but just to my sexual preference, so fuck
them." She took another swig of tequila.
She was getting very drunk.

My friends were giving a party for her
and she loved it. Her eyes were bright,
she hugged anyone she could reach. 1
was fascinated. ГА never met anyone so
honest, so warm, so sweet and smart

Why can't I meet a man like this? I
thought as she hugged me. She hugged
me again. "You smell so good,” she whis-
регеа. “Gee, thanks.” I whispered back
She kissed me. On the lips. She tried to
put her tongue into my mouth.

Oh, my God! She tied to put her
tongue into my mouth!

I know what guys think, they tell me
often enough. They think that if they
were women, they would definitely be
lesbians. They also think of male homo-
sexuality as a scary perversion, but of
female homosexuality as, I don't know,
Kind of wholesome. Hardly anything ex-
cites them as much as the idea of two
women doing it. (1 would like to say for
the record that the reverse is not true:
The thought of two men doing it turns
women off in a New York second.)

So then what did you do?” asked my
friend Brendan.

“I just kept my mouth closed and re-
fused tongue penetration.” I said. “I was
Nauered, but nervous.

“You gotta let her go down on you,"
he said. ^Tt would be just too cool.”

I wish I could.

It was at least a year ago when I had
a small epiphany. 1 was working out at
the gym and I saw two women spotting
each other while doing bench presses.
There was something about them. They
seemed so confident, so strong, so self-

crewcuts

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

1 WISH I WERE
A LESBIAN

nt. I couldn't understand it. Most
women are tentative and conciliatory.
They have an underlying urge to please.
Most women seem like they're just about
to apologize. Not these babes.

They're lesbians! | realized.
don't care if men like them!

1 was jealous. 1 remember only once in
my life feeling as content and confident
as these women: It was 1979 and I was
out of my mind on a combination of
Quaaludes and cocaine. This method no
longer strikes me as practical

Oh, to be a lesbian! Not to care if my
butt. is too big, if my legs are smooth,
what my hair looks like! Never again to
become tongue-tied and stupid and self-
deprecating and laugh too much! lo
wear sweat pants my whole life long!

If 1 could be a lesbian, I could have
chocolate cake for dinner every night,
blow up like a balloon and still have sex
frequently. Women do not have sex
glands in their eyeballs. They do not be
come excited looking at centerfolds.
Even fat, homely lesbians have mates.

Also, I'd probably drive beuer. I notice
a lot of bad women drivers and I think,
It she were a lesbian, she wouldn't be go-
ing 25 in the passing lane, Because wom-
en are taught that to please men, we
should be incompetent and fluttery
about certain things. We've learned to

sul

They

get hives at the sight of a lug wrench, to
famt when a fuse blows. We've been
taught that men like us to act as if we
can't take care of ourselves. It supposed-
ly makes them feel big and stro

“I would adore being a lesbian,” 1 told
Brendan. “Mentally, I can picture it, but
physically, get the fuck out of here

“Come on, just be bisexual,” he said.
“Women have such beautiful bodies.
Wouldn't you like to londle a nice
breast? Stroke a warm vulva?”

“Now I'm nauseous,” I said.

What would I say to a lesbian? Men
mazed at how easily women fall into
deep conversation. the moment they
meet. lUs because we have a universal
icebreaker: men. How annoying they
are, how they never listen to us, how we
can never figure out what they want,
how cute that tall one in the corner

are

of heterosexual women's conversations.
When I mecit a lesbian, I find
stopping my sentences in the middle.

But if I were a lesbian, Ud never have
to wear one of those newfangled female
condoms Гуе been reading about. Kind
of like a diaphragm, only with a tail. A
diaphragm with a tail! What fresh hell is
this? I read in the paper that the device
will “empower” women, that they'll no
longer have to “negotiate with a mai
Bullshit! The female condom me:
women will again be entirely respon:
for birth control.

There's that Texas saying, "Ihe trou-
ble with women ts they have all the
pussy.” And the trouble with men is they
have all the dicks. (And don't anyone
write to tell me that lesbians strap on dil-
dos, because that’s the most disgusting
thing I've ever heard, if it's even true,
which I doubt.)

Tama slave to my hormones. 1 сап put
up with a lot of disrespect if a man has
nice enough biceps. If he tells me that I
should stop being so goddamned sue
cessful, that I should wear much shorter
skirts and learn how to cook, I whine. I
wheedle. I cajole. I try to argue him into
having more respect, into being more
sensitive—instead of simply telling him
to go fuck himself.

mai 1 would. Well,
maybe. Maybe Га be just as wimpy with
women. OK, never mind

‚self

were a lesbi

Viewpoint

SOLVING THE JAPANESE PROBLEM

how do we invigorate american industry? with a
healthy dose of rodeo sex in the office, that's how

Is there a restaurant in Chicago calle
the Water Tower something? Then that's
the place. Lots of glass, remember.
We were in a booth. I had on my fake
hair. A big, long nylon sort of blondish-
red chignon that 1 would sometimes pin
on top of my head and other times on
the back of my head—I don't remember
where the chignon was that particular
night. 1 remember my dress. I had only
опе. And I always wore a pair of panties,
a panty girdle, a bra, stockings, a full slip
and dress shields.

He was 37 or 38, dark-haired, hand-
some, with a good shape, which he told
mc he got by working out in a gym.

A gym!

I had dated only athletes in college,
Olympic gold medalists, covers of Sports
Illustrated, immortals of the Big Ten,
gods of Indiana Un y. Tom Van
Arsdale, for instance, the basketball star
worshiped as a major deity throughout
the Hoosier Hemisphere, and so on and
so forth. It never occurred to me that
grown men went to a gym. "What for?" I
asked. He placed my hand on his biceps.
I was 21, had been voted the most beau-
tiful girl on campus and had come by
train to the big Hog Butcher to make my
fame and fortune.

The man holding his breath and go-
ing red and white in the face was my new
boss. He had invited me "for a bite" the
day I started work, vowing we would
"discuss my future.

I told him it was a big muscle and that
was when the trouble started. He had to
fecl my biceps. Then he had to put down
his glass of Bordeaux and feel my leg to
sec if my cheerleading muscles were sull
in shape. They were. Then he had to feel
up and down both my legs, including my
calves and ankles, up and down, squeez-
ing and considering, until the waiter
came with the menus, which I was glad
about, even though 1 figured this was
pretty much the way things went in the
exciting world of business.

By the time the steaks were served, my
employer's ex-wife had mysteriously ap-

red with another man and took the
table diagonally across from our booth.
This sent my leader into a frenzy of ten-
derness, cutting up my meat, feeding me
like a baby, brushing off my lips with his
napkin, picking with his fingertips the

opinion By E. JEAN CARROLL

crumbs from my dress bosom, promis-
ing me a vice presidency within two
years, etc., until he had worked himself
into such a pitch of love that he seized
his water glass, took a mouthful of ice
and, with his eyes pinned on his ex-
spouse, glued his frozen lips to my neck.

My scream seemed to calm him.

"You're so bourgeois!" he said.

By the time we left the booth, he had
had his tongue in my ear and had told
me that with my personality, the sky was
the limit. I had never before had a man's
tongue in my ear, but my philosophy of
life was to live dangerously. It was г
ing. He offered to drive me home. He
had a large black sedan. We drove about
blocks and then he pulled in under a
marquee. “What's this?” I asked. “A mo-
tel,” he said. "Drive on!” ] said. "You're
so hourgenis," he «aid. Another four or
five blocks. Another portico. "Whar's
this?" I asked. “A motel,” he said. 1
looked him full in the face and shrieked
my address. “Bourgeois! Bourgeois!” he
said. We arrived at my cheap establish-
ment. He followed me up to my room
and tried to wedge his knee inside the
door. I s med it. He stood a long time
on the other side of the door saying,
“Jeannie! Jeannie! Open up, for God's
sake.” Then there was a long silence.
Then again, a low, soft whisper, as if he
had dropped to his knees and was whis-
pering through the keyhole: “Jeannie.
Jeannie. Open the door.” Then long si-
lence. I was in my nightgown and in bed
reading Jane Austen when I heard him
at last walk down the hall.

E never went back to that office. 1 got
a job the next day as hostess at a pizze-
ria, where | met a big, jolly mafioso
who weighed 400 pounds. He saw me
hostessing and fell head over heels on
the spot and asked me to be his mistress,
saying he would give me $30,000 a year
for clothes alone. Chicago is an interest-
g place.

My first boss, by the way, who had
promised me a vice presidency, went on
to become one of the wealthiest men in
the Midwest. That's how life is. The
mafioso died in prison, I think.

I have been yakking away about the
good old days because I want to make

the point that my calves have worke
a lot of places and though that evening
was certainly fascinating, it was the only
lent of the kind to happen to me.
The fact is, sexual harassment in the
American office is uncommon.
Executive Huns by the hundreds are

“not humping unwilling receptionists

and attempting orgasm in every orifice.
The New York Times, citing Dr. Barbara
Gutek, a psychologist at the University
of Arizona business school, says that the
best guess is that fewer than one percent
of men are chronic harassers.

So why are we all foaming at the
brain? Why are we continually pestered
with images of nasty louts running loose
and hung on the hoof, stampeding
the top-floor executive women's room
screaming for ginch? Not because it is
a normal occurrence, but on the con-
trary, because it traordinar;

Men and women being friendly to one
another in the ofhce, coexisting on cor-
dial terms, cultivating intellectual affini-
ty secking happiness and pleasure in
one another's company and occasionally
poking like blazes on the conference
table among the skidding coffee cups are
occurrences so conventional, so hack-
neyed, so dull, so almost banal, we hard-
ly notice them. But our pulse quickens
when we hear that a woman's breast was
tweaked in the company parking lot
Sexual harassment is glaring: getting
along gracefully isn't. We think nothing
unusual ofa man and a woman working
together amiably, but we are astonished
ata man sexually badgering a woman.
Outrageous behavior excites us into for-
getting that men and women successful-
ly negotiate their relationships far more
often than not.

.
It is perhaps just dawning on four or
five minds that if sex harassment occurs
so seldom, the real difficulty could be
that there is not enough sex in the office.
I have worked in a dozen places and,
with the single exception already men-
tioned, | personally have never had
enough sex in the office. Indeed, I have
never had any sex in the office. In point
of fact, I have never even had the po:
bility of having any sex in the office.
Once, when I was writing for Saturday
(concluded on page 163)

You always come back to the basics: mw

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

How dare you
engage in fel
way! Th
in the September Advisor is unsafe sex.
That attentive wife and her husband
could kill someone.—D. S., Los Angeles,
California.
Lighten up. The freeway fellatio the woman

writer described seemed pretty safe—unless
she was driving. People do all sorts of things
in cars: A recent George Will column said
that the California Office of Traffic Safety re-
ports that “commuters are not just telephoning
(ћете are 6.4 million cellular phones, up from
half a million in 1986), they—drivers—are
brushing (and flossing) their teeth, diapering
and nursing babies, mending clothes, eating
baked potatoes and bowls of cereal.” Some of
them may even be reading George Will,
though it’s hard lo imagine that they would be
the ones getting fellated. The question is, how
much attention does a blow job require? The
brain processes about 126 bits of information
per second. It takes about 40 bits of informa-
tion per second to understand a simple con-
versation in English. (A neat experiment
found that if you try to follow three conversa-
lions, you can—bul you won't remember what
the people were wearing, what they looked like,
whatever) Now, we don't know how many bits
of information a blow job requires that de

pends on the skill of the fellatrice—but we
doubt if is equivalent to trying to follow three
conversations. Unless maybe you are talking
to your other girlfriend on the cellular phone.
Do you black out after a blow job al home? Do
you have to watch the action to believe it’s hap-
pening to you? Then why do you think you
would on the highway?

Do: crease the effects of al-
cohol? One of my co-workers says he
read something about not mixing the
two, but I rely on a
my hangover cure. (
a good bloody mary)—].
Spring, Maryland.

It depends. Drinking on an empty stomach
is а sure route lo inebriation. Aspirin doesn't
seem to affect blood-alcohol concentrations
when it’s a straight shot. However, if you com-
bine aspirin with food, then you do gel a reac-
tion with your after-dinner drinks, Doctors al
the Veterans Administration Medical Center
report that if you eat a meal and take aspirin
an hour before drinking, there will be a sig-
nificant increase in blood-alcohol concentra-
tion, enough that the combination “can be of
clinical significance for individuals driving
cars or operating other machinery that re-
quires a high degree of mental and motor co-
ordination.” The aspirin. apparenily slows
down the enzyme in the stomach that breaks
down alcohol. Our advice: Besides taking as-
pirin, drink plenty of water. Much of a hang-
over comes from dehydration.

uggest that someone
ng ona f

atio while

he other part is
R., Silver

n as part of

Ок 1 know masturbation is not harm-
ful, but is it possible to get too involved
in solo sex? 1 sometimes act out fan-
—by myself. Is this weird?—F. D.,
Francisco, California.

We've read about guys who masturbate be-
tween mirrors so that when they come, a thou-
sand images of themselves climax at the same
time. Wow. Cosmic. Sex therapist Marty Klein
suggests in his new book ‘Ask Me Anything”
thal “moaning and other expressions of pas-
sion are normal during sex; since masturba-
tion is sex, those expressions are appropriate
during self-pleusure." Klein then quotes a po-
em by Ron Koertge: “This is for every man
who licks his shoulder during solitary sex/rubs
his beard against the stripy deltoid muscle or
bites himself hard. / This is for the woman uho
at the body's buffet touches her breasts/one at
a time/then reaches [or the place she has made
clean as mothers hitchen./ And. please don't
jump up afterward and rush for the wash-
cloth/like all the relatives were on the porch
Knocking/ their hands hot fiom casseroles and
а cake with God's name on ü./Rather lie
there, catch your breath, turn to yoursel{/and
kiss all the nimble fingers, especially the one
that has been you-hnow-where, kiss the palms
with their mortal etchings and finally kiss the
back of each hand /as if the Pope had just said
that you are particularly blessed." Are we
reassured yel?

М, opromevris tells me that my eyes
are less than perfect. Since 1 don't want
to deal with the hassles of contact lenses,
I was wondering if there are certain eye-
glass frames that look better on different
ге shapes?—B. T., Chicago, Illinois.
You're lucky. Glasses are a lot better-looking
these day —some people even wear them who

ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO

don't have to. The important thing is not to let.
the frames overpower your face. According to
eyewear experts, if you have an oval-shaped
face, you can wear virtually any style. Other-
wise, here are some general rules of thumb:
Completely round frames help de-emphasize
the angles of а triangularshaped face.
Semiround, almost rimless frames minimize
the heavyset jawlines of a square face. Rectan-
gular frames look the best on oblong and
round faces. And large, thick, square frames
complement a heart-shaped Jace by giving the
illusion of a broadened jawline. Just take a
look in the mirror and figure ош which cate-
gory you fall into. Then try on the best-shaped
pairs in a variety of colors. And if you're look-
ing for hot brands, check out L.A. Eyeworks,
Alain Mikli and Oliver Peoples.

LEE

and Гуе bei

fter my divorce
spending recent weekends
with a lovely woman whose company.
sense of humor and body 1 enjoy a great
deal. The problem is that 1 spend every
other weekend with someone else as
well, my three-year-old daughter. I'm
devoted to my daughter and I try to fill
our weekends торе tivities
she enjoys: outings to
grounds, the 200, movies and the ben
My girlfriend, who has no
winds up coming along for the ride
says she likes to see me caring for my
daughter, but l'm concerned that as time
passes, she'll become jealous of all the
time I spend climbing play structures in-
ad of focusing on her. —K. K., Port
Jefferson, New York.

Ah, courtship in the Nineties. Sure, there's
a risk thal your girlfriend might feel neglected
оп Ihe weekends you haze your daughter. But
your little girl is a permanent part of your li
If your girlfriend has any inclination to join
your family, she needs to feel comfortable be-
ing involved with а man who places a high
priority on spending time with his child. The
important thing here is to include your girl-
friend as much as possible in your father-
daughter activities. She can climb play struc-
tures, too. She might also have ideas for family
Jun that have not occurred to you—baking
cookies, making doll clothes or taking your
daughter to the ballet. At the same time, you
need to keep the lines of communication open
and check in regularly with your girlfriend
about any resentments she might feel as the
third wheel on what was, until recently, a bi-
ce {лий for two. Reassure her that you un-
derstand how difficult it must be for her to be
involved with both you and your daughter—
two new relationships instead of just the one
she might have [те}еттей. Bul we think she'll
value your relationship all the more becau
you're so attentive lo your daughter. As for the
inevitable rough spots that are bound to crop
up when your daughter is less than an angel,

ЭЕ

PLAYBOY

you two have а safety value—two weekends а
‘month when your daughter is with your ex.
Make those weekends special. Take your girl-
friend on some romantic gelaways. Spend
some time with her friends. Do things she likes
to do. In general, be as attentive to your girl-
(friend's needs as you are lo your daughter s.

W know it isn't kosher among some fem-
inists to admit this, but 1 love guys with
big cocks. Old boyfriends have always
told me ad nauseam about their love of
women with long legs or big breasts—
neither of which I have—but | never had
the courage to tell them I wished their
belt bottles had better standing in the
long-neck club. Don't get me wrong; the
physical pleasure I receive during inter-
course has never been affected by size,
but something about stroking and suck-
ing a huge cock during foreplay really
gets me hot. That said, how can | meet
guys vith long dongs? Would it be impo-
lite to reach under the table during din-
er to feel them up?—L. B., Minneapo-
lis, Minnesota.

Well, you could check them aut over (un-
der?) dinner, but use your foot so you don't
bump your head. Actually, there's no need to
risk a Scene in your favorite bistro. The Hung
Jury, a national dating service based in Los
Angeles, caters to women who "want the big-
ger things in life"—namely, experienced
lovers with al least “eight erect inches.”
Founded in 1977, the Hung Jury offers a
quarterly newsletier of personal ads and pho-
los with. such classic lines as “The pen is
mightier than the sword, but my 9% inches is a
lot more fun,” and "Photo essential (face, not
phallus).” For $20 you can get the latest copy
Stuffed into your mailbox. Publisher Jim Boyd,
who's al work on a book entitled “The Last
Sexual Taboo: Women and Fens Size," de-
cries the “sexual double standard where men
can express their preferences for big boobs or
long legs, but women who like big cocks are
considered sluts and whores.” So far. he's
found about 1000 people who agree. For
membership details, send a self-addressed,
stamped envelope and one dollar for handling
to the Hung Jury, PO. Box 417, Los Angeles
90078.

The only time 1 can fit a workout into
my schedule these days is late at night.
"That means about 11 рм. After a work-
out, when I should be going to sleep, Um
wired. I need some rest, but I don't want
to give up my exercise routine. Any ad-
vice? —T. B., Berkeley, California.
Provided you've married or living with
someone, Ше best way to cool down for the
evening is lo move the activily into the bed-
тоот. Yes, sex will get your blood pumping in
tially, but the aftereffects are actually calming.
(Plus, if it’s late enough, she won't complain
that you fall asleep afterward.) If a sexual
nightcap is oul of the question, Sharon Stoub,
a personal trainer at the Sporting Club in
Chicago, has these suggestions: End your
workout with yoga stretches, take a hot bath or

drink a cup of herbal tea. Foods high in tryp-
tophan, such as bananas, figs, yogurt and tu-
na, also help promote sleep. And ıf all else
fails, read. There's nothing like 1500 pages of
quantum physics to bring on a good snooze.

WI, husband and I have tried several
times to have sex in the bathtub. All
these attempts failed, however, because
of lack of lubrication. My husband is well
endowed, while 1
have tried to use K-Y jelly,
in water. I hate the feel of petroleum jel-
ly. Recently, while relaxing with some
scented bath oils in the tub, my husband
joined me. To my utter astonishment, we
proceeded to have great sex, with rela-
tively easy penetration and litle pain.
The bath oil acted lubricant and it
was wonderful. My question
the bath oil do to my ii
Miami, Florida.

Make them feel squeaky clean. Some people
report a sensitivity to scented oils. If you expe-
rience a burning sensation, switch lo а mild or
unscented product. The vagina is self-clean-
ing. The occasional slip and slide may tem-
рогаті alter pH levels, but theyll quickly re-
turn to normal. Enjoy.

А friend recently told me that darker
coffee beans have less caffeine than
lighter ones. | hate decaffeinated collee,
so perhaps going with a darker bean is
one way to meet my doctor's demand to
cut back. Whats the story?—B. Е,
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

All coffee beans start out green. The longer
they're roasted, the more caffeine they lose and
the darkey they gel in the process. But make no
mistake: Darker beans are no substitute for de-
caffeinated beans. A cup of coffee made with
the former contains between 70 and 155 mil-
ligrams of caffeine compared to less than five
milligrams when made with the latier. If you
can't give up the wal thing, try mixing the two
for a happy medium.

The other day, 1 met a new co-worker
who is absolutely gorgeous. 1 couldn't
take my eyes off he figure as she
walked toward my desk with my boss.
But when we were introduced and she
reached to shake my hand, my palms
were slippery with sweat. Frantic, I put
my hands in my pockets and watched in
horror as she awkwardly withdrew. This
has never happened before, not even
when I've greeted my boss before a big
presentation. What made my hand
glands suddenly go crazy when I saw this
woman approaching, and what should 1
have done:—]. L., Helena, Montana.

Tt must be love. Your hands and armpits
work the same way: When you're nervous, ex-
cited or overheated, sweat emerges from the
millions of glands concentrated m your palms,
armpits, soles and forehead. It may be that you
suffer from a mild case of hyperhidrosis, or ex-
cessive sweating, which usually occurs in these

areas and is often treated with antiperspi-
rants, (Almost makes you wish you'd mastur-
bated more as a teen, so you'd have more hair
on your palms to keep them dry.) Try this: As
you rise from your chair, place your palms on
your pant legs al your thighs as if you were
pushing yourself up. As you do, discreetly wipe
your palms, then offer а dry hand. If there's a
moment before you're introduced, slip your
hands into your pockets and rub your palms
against the insides when you withdraw to
shake. Better yel, excuse yourself from contact
because of a recent, nasty bout with a cold or
the flu. Maybe she'll check in later to see how
you're feeling.

las year, my wife and 1 installed a hot
tub on our deck and we've been having a
great time making love in it under the
stars. But a few times, a day or so alter
tubbing, we've developed this weird itch
we jokingly call hot-tub rash. Each time,
it went away after a week or so and we
didn't think much abou Friends have
soaked in our tub without getting the
rash, but so far as we know, they d
e love in it. Recently, we hosted a
«ekend party for four couples. We all
enjoyed some nonsexual group soaks,
but we also had sign-ups for private cou-
ple time in the tub. Our guests agreed
that their tub trysts were the high point
of the weekend, but since then, all four
have called to say they've developed the
itchy rash. What is this thing? And does
spa sex cause it?—K. T., Ross, California.

Spa sex has nothing to do wilh il, bul your
term for it, һо1- rash, is right on the mark.
In tubs with chlorine levels of less than one
part per million, bacteria can grow and, up to
48 hours after exposure, cause an itchy but
otherwise harmless rash that lasts about a
werk and then goes away by itself. The warmer
you heep your tub, the greater the risk of bac-
terial growth and rash. Risk also rises with use
of Jacuzzi jets and a sudden increase in the
number of bathers, which probably explains
the outbreak among your weekend guests.
Showering before entering the tub does not
prevent the rash. The National Spa and Pool
Institute urges hot-tub owners to keep them
adequately chlorinated. Add extra chemicals
before tubbing parties. Anything else would
be, well, rash.

All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, laste and etiquet
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to
The Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680 North
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

Dial The Playboy Holline today; get closer
to the Playmates as they reveal secrets about
dating and women! Call 1-900-740-3311;
only three dollars per minute.

Be Wicked
For a Week.

Sleep in.
Stay up late.
Give up counting calories.
1 Have a drink before noon.
| Give up mineral water.
Dine in shorts.
Talk to strangers.
Don't make your bed.
Go skinny dipping.
Don't call your mother.
Let your hair down.
Don't pay for anything.
= Don't leave a tip.

2 Be your beautiful self
in spectacular Negril,
2 Jamaica. Call your travel
= agent or SuperClubs at
1-800-858-8009 ext. 405
(US) or 1-800-553-4320
(Canada).

HEDONISM II

A SuperClubs AlHnclusive Resort.

This 3 cutting edge video authology features nine erotic

vignettes full of drama, fantasy, humor and intrigue — over 90

minutes of sensual adventures for those brave enough to explore

а new dimension in fantasy. Ui ined by Hollywood's :

conventional boundaries, Inside Out’ allows some of today's

hottest young writers and directors to share their most private,

unique visions in haunting stories of and obsession.
M imagination

PLAYBOY VIDEO ENTERPRISES, INC. rus A PROPAGANDA FILMS мны "INSIDE OUT" ЕТМ CLAWSON . MATT LOZE. STEVE RECHTSCHAFFNER

"TALAN POUL LARRY GOLIN & ROBERT KARSTADT, DAVID RUPEL, ALLISON ADLER, PETER ATKINS & TONY RANDEL, ALEXANDER PAYNE & [IM TAYLOR, KENNETH DEIFIK, LIZZIE BORDEN,
MARK HASKELL SMITH, TEMPLE MATHEWS *“ ЛЕ BORDEN, ADAM FRIEDMAN, LINDA HASSANI, ALEXANDER PAYNE, TONY RANDEL, JEFF REINER, RICHARD SHEPARD

Reporter's Notebook

LUST IN THE WHITE HOUSE

our grealest presidents enjoyed a virile sex drive.
so far, it hasn't hurt the country

Let me confess that I probably have
done as much as anyone else to intro-
duce sex into Presidential politics. I'm
not referring to my endless flirtations
with the locals to relieve the boredom of
crisscrossing the country while cove
candidates who were outstanding only in
their ability to avoid saying anything of
substance. No, I refer to that moment
back in the 1976 campaign when Jimmy
Carter confessed to me in the soon-to-
be-fabled Playboy Interview that he had
lusted in his heart for women other than
his Rosalynn

His admission to normal male fantasy
was relevant in suggesting that he

not so different from the rest of us and
elected President, he might not

that,
impose his strict born-again Baptist
creed on others. It was an honest mo-
ment and 1 truly expected he would be
rewarded for exhibiting that trait.
Boy, was I wrong. Later, when the
terview ran, reporters jumped up and
down in the plane, unable to control
their glee that the man had committed
such a gaffe. The admission of a sex
drive, even a profoundly latent one, al-
most derailed his campaign
Which brings me to Bill

nton,

whose sex drive is obviously anything
but

latent. When old friends of the
asas governor first told me he w
thinking of running, they raised the
“problem” of his well-known sexual pec-
cadilloes and wondered if he could sur-
vive the exposure. At the time of this
writing he has, but we are not yet into
the season of the general election, when
the Republicans will e at him in
earnest
The problem is, he gave up the ghost
to the puritans by “acknowledging
wrongdoing” while turning on a woman
he obviously knew intimately and calling
her a liar. Gennifer Flowers deserved
beuer, and so did he. Will the d
come when someone in his position
states that he did what he had to do and
it's no onc else's business because all par-
ties concerned, wife and mistress includ-
ed, were consenting adults?

This republic would be a lot healthier
f Clinton had openly acknowledged his
randy sell, and Т, if asked, would have
written him quite a speech.

First off, 1 would have established the

lay ever

opinion By ROBERT SCHEER

august precedent for hormonal beha

Virtually all of our great Presidents
ve strayed from the marital sack. The
founding fathers were
practice, led by Thomas Jeflerson, who
А on sex outside the confines of
age, caste, class and race. That our
greatest. President, Franklin Delano
Roosevelt, had an active life with hi i
tres
maybe because of that, he
world fascism while saving American
capitalism from itself. Nor did his sexual
activity indicate any disrespect for hi
wife, the even-greater Eleanor Roo-
sevelt, who overlooked all that and vig-
orously inspired the nation to be hu-
mane and just.

And what about the great military
leader Dwight David Eisenhower, who
had his mistress right there with him i
the tents of war on those cold nights of
the European campaign? Ike, as op-
posed to that uptight maniac George
Patton, was a man of broad vision and
humane sensibility who nurtured hi
troops and grasped the nuances of
diplomacy. My own hunch is that Gene
al Eisenhower was also a terrific peace-

er precisely because he made love as
well as war.

Too simple a prescription, 1 know;

Lyndon Baines Johnson did a lot of love-
making and hé proved to be a zealous
hawk despite strong dissent from his
lover. As Robert s out in his
definitive biography, Alice Glass, Lyn-
don's mistress of almost 30 years, was a
regular Lysistrata who denied him sex
because of her opposition to the Viet-
nam war. That obviously fabulous lady
told her friends that she burned John-
son's love letters lor fear that her grand-
daughter might discover that she had
been intimate with the man she held re-
sponsible for the mad escalation of the
war in Southeast Asia. But still, Johnson.
in his domestic policy, was а well-inten
tioned and tolerant individual who initi
ated the war on poverty and did much
for civil rights, so perhaps the influence
of Glass was beneficial after all

The most obvious example of sa
cious behavior in high places th
proved helpful to the exercise of power
is John Е Kennedy’s, Clinton's role mod-
el. Kennedy seems to have made it with

everyone everywhere who wore a
and crossed his path. Which Jacqueline.
evidently understood perfectly as a nec-
essary means of casing the pressures c
life in the Oval Office.

So in this sense, following in the foot-
steps of J.F.K., Bill Clinton and his loyal
and understanding wife are poised for
greatness. Maybe it will be Camelot all
over again with a President still young
enough to be energized by raging hor-
How could this be bad for the
country? In the old days, the media dis
creetly avoided such personal matters,
and the public was content to look the
other way. But these days, even the re-
spectable media plays the circulation-
building game, bemoaning the intrus
of this irrelevant issue while managing to
report it in great detail. A candidate
must then dissemble, lying or pussyloot-
ing, as Clinton did, about whether or not
he did

He let himself be thrown on the de-
fensive. probably forever, a sad sap gaz-

ng pathetically into his wife's eyes while
fumbling apologies about his imperfcc-
tions. But this is not some prissy guy
whose friends got him drunk on a stag
night and left him bedded with a hooker.
Whatever Clinton did over the years in
response to his libido—and | gather
from some of his intimates it was quite a
bit—helped make him what he is. Any
modern politician who is not vulnerable
to scandal has led just too cloistered a life
10 be trusted to assess the national inter-
est accurately. And why disparage the re-
Jationships formed and the women loved
just to appeal to the uptight 13 percent
of voters who the polls tell us can't bring
themselves to vote fora player

What Clinton should have said is,
“Гуе lived a full-blooded life. So far as I
Know, no one got hurt aud I was always
careful to use a condom, and 1 urge oth-
ers, when the need calls, to do the same.”
And when any reporter persisted in ask-
ing if such behavior did not disqualify
him for the Presidency. Clinton should
have replied, “Hell, no, just look at my
predeces їз a qualification fo

greatne:
El

mones

ilo. eos
бере da. Tx.

Whenever Jose Cuervo makes an appearance, you know the party's
going to take off. Just mix a few pitchers of margaritas* with a few
of your favorite people, and look out—this party's ready to get real

In case you've been in the desert too long, here's how: Start with Cuervo Gold,
add Jose Cuervo Margarita Mix, mucho ice, shake wildly and go for it.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

YSTERIA-

the feminist resurrection of victorian morals

PRINCETON, NEW JERSEY—In class-
rooms and journals, in lectures and
coffee shops, academics are talking
about rape. Although it wears a fash-
ionable leftist mask, this is a neopuri-
tan preoccupation. While real women
get battered, while real mothers need
day care, certain feminists are busy
turning rape into fiction. Every time
one Henry James character seizes the
hand of another character, someone
calls it rape.

At a certain point, the
metapbor gets paranoid.

An overused word, like
an overpainted sunset,
becomes a cliché, drained
of specificity and mean-
ing. With every new ar
de on rape imagery, we
threaten to confirm the
vision of that 18th Cen-
tury patriarch, Henry
Fielding, when he wrote,
"These words of excla-
mation (murder! rob-
! rape!) are used by
ladies in a fright, as fa la
la ...arein music, only as
vehides of sound and
without any fixed idea."

Only now, the cry
across campuses is "date
rape." Those involved
frame it as a liberal con-
cern, cut and dried, be-
yond debate. But they
don't stop to consider the
fundamentally sexist im-
ages lurking beneath
their rhetoric. The term
date rape itself hints at its conser-
vative bent. More than just a polem-
ic against rape, it reveals a desire
for dates.

Although not an explicit part of
their movement, these feminists are
responding, in this time of sexual sus-
picion, to the need for a more rigid
courtship structure. The message
represents, in part, a nostalgia for
Fifties-style dating. For Johnny pick-
ing up Susie for a movie and a Coke.

And the embedded assumption is
our grandmother's assumption: Men

By Katie Roiphe

want sex, women don't. In emphasiz-
ing this struggle—him pushing, her
resisting—the movement against date
rape recydes and promotes an old
model of sexuality.

One book, Avoiding Rape On and Off

Campus, by Carol Pritchard, warns
young women to “think carefully be-
fore you go to a male friend's apart-
ment or dorm. . . . Do not expose
yourself to any unnecessary risk.”
When did the possibility of sex be-

come an unnecessary risk? Are we
such fragile creatures that we need
such an extreme definition of safety?
Should we subject our male friends to
scrutiny because, after all, men want
one thing and one thing only?

The definition of date rape stretch-
es beyond acts of physical force. Ac-
cording to pamphlets widely dis-
tributed on college campuses, even
verbal coercion constitutes date rape
With this expansive version of rape,
then, these feminists invent a kinder,
genter sexuality. These pamphlets

are clearly intended to protect inno-
cent college women from the insa-
able force of male desire. We have
been hearing about this for centuries.
He is still nearly uncontrollable; she is
still the one drawing lines. This so-
called feminist movement peddles an
image of gender relations that denies
female desire and infantilizes women.
Once again, our bodies seem to be sa-
cred vessels. We've come a long way,
and now, it seems, we are going back.

The date-rape pam-
phlets begin to sound like
Victorian guides to con-
duct. The most common
date-rape guide, pub-
lished by the American
College Health Associa-
tion, advises its delicate
readers to "communicate
your limits clearly If
someone starts to offend
you, tell him firmly and
carly.”

Sharing these assump-
tions about female sensi-
bilities, a manners guide
from 1853 advises young
women, “Do not suffer
your hand to be held or
squeezed without show-
ing that it displeases you
by instantly withdrawing
it... These and many
other little points of
refinement will operate
as an almost invisible
though a very impenetra-
ble fence, keeping off vul-
gar familiarity, and that

desecration of the person which has
so often led to vice.” And so ideals of
female virtue and repression resonate
through time.

Let's not chase the same stereotypes
our mothers have spent so much en-
ergy running away from. Let's not re-
inforce the images that oppress us,
that label us victims, and deny our
own agency and intelligence as strong
and sensual, as autonomous, plea-
sure-seeking, sexual beings.

—Reprinted with permission from
The New York Times

THE NAKED TRUTH

The letter from Joani
Haboush and friends in Febru-
ary's Playboy Forum was correct
in observing that neither male
nor female bodies are more
perverse or beautiful than the
other. However, their assertion
that “naked is naked” is incor-
rect. Male frontal nudity ful-
ly exposes а man's genitals,
whereas full female frontal nu-
dity does not similarly expose a
woman. A man standing na-
ked is as exposed as a woman
lying with her legs open. To
equate penis exposure with
breast exposure is incorrect as
well. In current standards, fair
is fair since in an R-rated
movie, the genitals of neither
sex are exposed. Prudish, per-
haps, but fair. Maybe Haboush
and her friends should check
out an X-rated movie. I'm sure
theyd find more of what

they're looking for.

Donald Р. Talenti

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

MAGIC NUMBERS

In response to your piece on
Magic Johnson (*Magic.” The
Playboy Forum, March), 1 submit
the following statistics: The
odds of contracting AIDS from
an infected woman in a single
unprotected encounter is, at
the very most, one tenth of one
percent. This is equivalent to a
probability of 0.999 of remain-
ing uninfected in a single en-
counter. Then the odds of
emerging from 1000 such en-
counters with her unscathed
are 0.999'^* = 0.368; in other
words, a 63.2 percent chance of

“Is it really fair to say "AIDS is an equal op-
portunity destroyer' and "We're all at risk' and
‘AIDS doesn't discriminate’? Or is it more accu-
rate to say that while AIDS should be the con-
cern of all, in the same sense that [male] breast
cancer is, it is nonetheless nonsense to maintain
that we are all at equal risk of getting [AIDS]?"

—MICHAEL FUMENTO, AUTHOR Or The Myth of

Heterosexual AIDS, ON THE STATISTICAL DIS-
TORTION OF THE PROPORTIONS OF AIDS CASES

AMONG THE HETEROSEXUAL POPULATION

Playboy Forum, December). He
laments the dehumanization
that is suffered by condemned
prisoners but doesn’t realize
that these individuals dehu-
manized themselves by the acts
they committed. He bemoans
the helplessness known only to
the prisoners, but why does he
ignore the helplessness of their
victims? He concludes his criti-
cism of executions by stating
that he can't imagine a more
profound violation of a human
being. How about the pro-
found violation that each of
these murderers coldly perpe-
trated on their victims?
Gregory J. Wahl
Kula, Hawaii

MIXED MESSAGES

Last winter, a man walked
into a Springfeld, Missouri,
abortion clinic, demanded to
see the doctor on duty and then
opened fire with a sawed-off
shotgun, wounding two people.
Police declined to suggest a mo-
tive, but it seems painfully evi-
dent: The abortion debate has
taken on such distorted pro-
portions that some factions are
willing to go to any length to

promote their position.

Jamie North
Kansas City, Missouri

FREE FOR ALL

The Playboy Forum has always
championed the A.C.L.U. and
its mission of promoting free
speech. Perhaps then, you can
explain the actions ofa Milwau-
kee A.C.L.U. leader during a
recent attack on conservative

becoming infected. Promiscuity
doesn't kill, but unprotected sex in a
monogamous relationship with an
HIV-positive person sure can.

John Dentinger

Los Angeles, California

DEATH PENALTY

I read the letter in The Playboy Forum
from J. R. Deans of the Virginia Coali-
tion on Jails and Prisons ("Reader Re-
sponse," February). Deans would have
us believe that the commission of homi-
cide is not the fault of the criminal, but
of society. My question is, once the op-

ponents of the death penalty have
freed these prisoners, will they guaran-
tee their confinement to the basements
or cellars of their own homes? Probably
not. With a conservative lock on the
Supreme Court, those who would abol-
ish the death penalty will remain a piti-
ful minority.

Allan B. Jones

Chatham, Virginia

Robert Johnson expresses a dis-
turbingly myopic concern for death-
row prisoners ("Reader Response," The

Mark Belling at the University
of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Belling, who
was invited to address the student
body, was driven from the stage by ob-
jects being thrown at him by protesters.
The A.C.L.U. spokesperson criticized
the attack but rationalized the mob's vi-
olation of Belling's First Amendment
rights as justifiable frustration. Maybe
it's time for the A.C.L.U, to reacquaint
staffers with its mission statement.
They are obviously not all on the
same page.

Kurt Harrison
Appleton, Wisconsin

R E

Р О

М S E

ABORTED RESEARCH
The refusal of our government to al-
low use of the French abortion drug
RU-480 is just another example of the
abusive measures women have to face
in an effort to control their reproduc-
live choices. Numerous groups have
mounted campaigns in an effort to get
FDA approval for the drug here in the
United States—not only as an abortifa-
cient but because of indications that it
might prove effective in treating nu-
merous other medical conditions. The
statistics from France prove that under
closely monitored conditions, RU-486
is no more hazardous than current
methods of pregnancy termination. 1,
for one, would like to have every op-
tion available to me. Abortion, like
birth control, is a personal choice, and
the government is definitely not wel-
come in my bedroom.
Linda Jay
Sarasota, Florida
Debate соет the efficacy and approval of
RU-486 has, to date, been stymied more by
politics than by any medical rationale. Al-
though administration of the drug as an
abortifacient 15 more complicated than sim-
ply popping a pill in the privacy of your
home, both The New England Journal of
Medicine and the American Medical Asso-
ciation have declared it as safe as a surgi-
cal abortion. Unfortunately, the FDA and
major pharmaceutical manufacturers are
cowed by the thought of anti-abortionisis"
boycotts. Restricted access limits the ability of
American researchers to experiment with the
drug on a large scale as an effective treat-
ment for brain and breast cancer, en-
dometriosis and Cushing’s syndrome—dis-
cases that have real effects now.

BASE-RATE CRIME

Playboy Forum readers should know
that information springs eternal in the
debate on the link between pornogra-
phy and sex crimes. A study done by
sociologists Michael Kimmel and An-
nulla Linders of the State University of
New York at Stony Brook suggests
there is no connection. The findings,
gathered in six U.S.
ycar period, examined crime statistics
and sales of eight popular men's maga-
zines that feature nudity. The data re-
vealed that rape rates did not dedine
proportionate to the decrease in single-
Copy sales. At the same time, rape rates
in four of the cities—including Jaci
sonville, Florida, and Cincinnati, Ohio,
which both enforce antipornography

laws—showed an increase. The re-
searchers conclude that banning por-
nography vill not lead to a reduction
in rape.
Jim Sellars
Buffalo, New York

GOYA GOING, GONE
Sexual harassment charges have tak-
en an interesting twist of late. Some re-
cent cases have focused not on ex]
behavior but on harassment perceived
to be inherent in photographs and oth-
cr works of art. Take the latest example,
from Penn State: A professor called for
the removal of a Goya nude from a
classroom, claiming the painting was
sexually harassing her. The (female) di-
rector of Penn State's affirmative-action
office supported the woman's claims
on the basis of the Florida shipyard
pinup case. University officials evident-
ly agreed and had the Coya removed
from the classroom. When the defini-
tion of sexual harassment can be dis-
torted to embrace such a wumped-up
accusation, the issue has gone beyond
the questionable to the ridiculous. The
situation has taken on the tone ot a
Jesse Helms censorship festival.
Maria Collins
Concord, New Hampshire
The judge in the shipyard case decided
that pinups create a hostile environment of.
"visual assault on the sensibilities of female
workers.” It is a short slippery slope
from repressing tool-and-die calen-
dars lo going after Coya. As we com-
mented in “The War on Nudity”
(“The Playboy Forum,” July), it's
open season for prudes [the A.C.L.U.
agrees—they've appealed the ruling].
Penn State professor Nancy Stum-
hofer was never abused, propositioned
or forced to trade sexual favors for
pay or position. Stumhofer has her
‘own definition of hostility: “Whether
it was a Playboy centerfold or a
Goya,” she told National Public Ra-
dio, “it’s a nude picture of a woman
that encourages males to make re~
marks about body parts. . . . The pic-
lure creates comments in students."
God (and the EEOC) forbid that a
19th Century painting should create com-
ments in students. Next thing you know,
they'll be thinking for themselves.

READ-IN
1 just finished reading the February
issue and was appalled by the reaction
of the women who came to the Berke-

ley read-in ("The Playboy Read-In."
The Playboy Forum). | subscribe to
Playboy for the articles and, yes, 1 like
the cartoons and jokes. 1 am a house-
wife with three children and I have no
problem with leaving your magazine
on my coffee table. Posing nude does
not make you a whore. Looking at the
same photos does not make you a per-
vert. It's time for women to wake up.
This is the Nineties.

Lisa Smith

Dunkirk, Indiana

Your article “The Playboy Read-In"
was an absolute masterpiece. It is unbe-
lievable how much can be accom-
plished when nearly an entire commu-
nity defies the rules of an establishment
that can't even distinguish pornogra-
phy from Better Homes and Gardens.
What compels these misguided interest
groups to oppose an organized reading
is clearly contempt for the First
Amendment. No matter how intent
they are in tampering with the rights of
the individual, they will never be as
powerful as those who stand up for
what should be called a democracy.

John Steinke
Oak Park, Illinois

Nat Hentoff, whose “Playboy Forum” ar-
ticle started the flap, also covered the sit-in at
Bette's Ocean View Diner for The Village
Voice. In that piece, Hentoff mentions

guerrilla feminist Andrea Dworkin at an-
other Bay-area location reading excerpts
from her novel "Mercy." When she read ап
alternate ending in which her feminist hero-
ine starts lo murder men randomly, the au-
dience cheered. Bette's was nol an isolated
incident. Hostility toward men—not con-
cern for women—fueled the protesters’ fury.

DAMNED IN THE U.S.A.

The Reverend Donald Wildmon is
far and away our favorite censor. The
president of the American Family Asso-
ciation is against everything—Dr. Ruth,
The Golden Girls, The Last Temptation
of Christ, Madonna, Robert Mapple-
thorpe and Mighty Mouse. And now, it
seems, he is censoring himself:

То prevent an interview he

gave to a BBC film crew

from being shown in the
U.S., he has filed a $2,000,000
lawsuit

The story begins innocently
enough. On November 23,
1990, an American agent for
British film maker Paul Yule
wrote Wildmon about the BBC's
plan to produce a documentary
on the censorship debate in the
U.S. "[Paul] wants to represent the
A.FA. not just as a campaigning orga-
nization but within an understanding
of its larger Judeo-Christian moral
foundation, and would like to film a
sequence that reflects this. The Chris-
Чап background is obviously central
to the film and, therefore, as well as
the interview with you and the scenes
of the А.ЕА. working (compute:
mailings, etc.), we would also be very
pleased to film perhaps a sermon in
church, or you visiting a church and/
or you driving through town to make
convincing the moral background for
the association."

Wildmon agreed. Yule and his crew
from Berwick Universal Films arrived
in Tupelo, Mississippi, on December 3,
1990, set up their gear and waited.

Then the weirdness began. Wildmon
refused to participate unless Yule
signed a contract stipulating that he
would not release the interview or any
part of it to magazines. Yule agreed. It
wasnt enough. Wildmon came back
with another quasi-legal onslaught.
The new contract bristled with vague
clauses, Under duress to finish filming,
they had to agree that “any material
obtained from this interview or derived
from this interview shall not form the
basis of any other media presentation

reverend donald wildmon's movie debut—

now you see him, now you don’t

By James R. Petersen

in England, the United States or any
other country without the written per-
missioin [sic] from American Family
Association” or they would have to pay
“five hundred "thousand dollars

RE
SS
p zz 2

SNS LL
««

УУУУ
UU ZZ,
SSS ws SS

in liquidated damages.

As legal bluster, Wildmon’s Faustian
contract was not completely ош of
character. Wildmon has spent the past
decade trying to persuade advertisers
and networks that they do not have the
right to screen anything without A.FA.
permi: ion. This is just the first time
we've seen it in writing.

The producers screened Damned in
the U.S.A. in England, Sweden and
Spain—with Wildmon's approval.
"Then, without his OK, in September
1991, they allowed the film to be shown
at that hotbed of decadence, the Mar-
garet Mead Film Festival at the Ameri-
can Museum of Natural History in
New York. To top that off, a т in
Variety announced that the film would
be distributed in the U.S. Wildmon
sued for breach of contract, stating he
and the А.ЕА. had "suffered damages
and face a loss of goodwill.

Wildmon’s lawsuit claims that if the
documentary Damned in the U.S.A. is
ever shown in the U.S., he and his
cronies would face “a continued and
unquantifiable injury.” Ifthe film mak-
ers insist on showing the film to, let's
say, college students or to the advertis-
ers who normally fall all over them-
selves trying to s he Tupelo aya-
tollah, the suit alleges "no amount of
money would provide the plaintiffs ad-
equate relief."

б
Makes you just а little curious,
doesn't it? What did the BBC film
crew uncover? Does Wildmon
dress as Madonna and do his
own version of Like a Prayer?
Did they catch Don and his
brother Tim jerking off in the
outhouse to a back issue of
Hustler? Use your imagina-
tion. What could strike fear
into the heart of a censor?
If Wildmon wins his
lawsuit, you will never see
Damned in the U.S.A. There is,
alas, nothing new—no smoking
gun, no wet condom, no Nazi rcgalia:
Senators Jesse Helms and Alphonse
D'Amato denounce art they consider
obscene; there's seedy Times Square
set to Cole Porters Anything Goes;
scenes from the trials of 2 Live Crew
and museum director Dennis Barrie;
and even the photographs by Map-
plethorpe and Andres Serrano that
launched the censorship debate. You
hear friends of Mapplethorpe explain
his life and his art. You see Madonna's

Like a Prayer—in a clip from the Pepsi
commercial that Wildmon effectively
squashed. You see a penis, painted to
resemble Jesse Helms, urging, “Just
make good art, OK?" You see Boston
comedian Jimmy gle working a
crowd in a smoke-filled comedy club
taking shots at Helms, Wildmon and
the forces of censorship (see box). You
hear Tingle's audience laughing at
would-be censors.

What will you miss of Donald Wild-
mon if the film is banned in the U.S.?
Not much. You see Wildmon describ-
ing the work of the AFA. You watch
his staff opening envelopes and stack-
ing the contributions. You witness a
volunteer “media monitor” running to
Wildmon, tail wagging, with a fresh
kill: another example of indecency on
television. You see Don and brother
Tim hunker down in the two-room ra-
dio station and listen as Don intones,
“Hello, Americans. I'm your host, Don
Wildmon.”

Variety called the film a “refreshingly
evenhanded look at a highly con-
tentious issue.” So why the lawsui
Is Wildmon afraid that
fortunate resemblance to Elmer Fudd
will undercut the moral weight of his
message? America has a tendency to
want its heroes to be square-jawed, not
double-chinned. Donald doesn't fit the
picture of a typical reformer, moral
champion or superhero, He wouldn't
look good in ughts and cape.

Or is it that another film comes to
mind? In The Wizard of Oz, Toto pulls
the coattails of the little impostor from
behind the curtain. Is the case of Wild-
mon us. Berwick Universal Films based on
the legal precedent of The Wizard of Oz
ws. Toto?

In June 1991, Wildmon wrote to di-
rector Yule, trying to prevent the
screening at the Margaret Mead Film
Festival. “Because of the graphic con-
tent of Damned in the U.S.A., 1 cannot
grant my permission for the film to be
shown in the United States. I regret
that this is the case, but this is precisely
the reason for the contract.”

Does Wildmon have a double stan-
dard? Why did he approve the film for
Spain, Sweden and England, but not
the U.S.? Does he know that a censor is
credible only as long as the people he
wants to shield remain in the dark? He
cannot afford to have you see the con-
troversial works, to have you decide for
yourself.

We think he is afraid of laughter—
the most honest response to this man
who would say, “America, this is your
protector.”

LU
EE

Jimmy Tingle provides a run-
ning commentary on the censor-
ship debate.

On Mapplethorpe:
“Where are these Mapplethorpe

pictures? Have you seen them?
Has the news media seen them?
Have they printed them in the
newspapers?

“Nah. We can't read about that.
We're not ready. National debate,
yes. But we can't see 'em. Why
not? Who says we can't?

"They contradict. our family
values.

"Whose family? My family? Your
family? Whose family? The Ad-
dams Family? The Kennedys? The
Rockefellers? The royal family?
The Flintstones? Who exactly are
they talking about?

"One of these photographs was
a man with his fist in the anus of
another man. Now, to me it might.
not be art. To you it might not
be art. But maybe to the artist it
represents struggle? I don't know,
folks. But just because I don't
know doesn't mean it's not art.
I saw another photo of Mapple-
thorpe, a self-photograph, I guess,
with a bullwhip up his rectum

"Now, to me that's hilarious.

"A lot of couples are going,
‘Honey, thats something we
haven't tried."

THE ҮШ AND WISDOM

AEE А
KSS KKK SS

“les a photograph. It's a pic-
ture. It's not like artists are going
around the country inserting bull-
whips into unsuspecting people's
rectums. I would oppose such а

move.”

On 7-Elevens:

“Three years ago, I was down in
Florida and I went to a 7-Eleven to
get a Playboy, for the other comedi-
ans. 1 said, ‘Excuse me, mister,
where are the Playboys?’ He said,
‘Sorry, sir, we no longer carry the
Playboy magazine. We don't feel
that the Playboy magazine is an ac-
curate reflection of the values and
the morals of the 7-Eleven chain."

“Excuse me! What can I possi-
bly get to read in this great temple
of learning? O enlightened one, I,
this ignorant castaway on a sea of
darkness, have drifted by God's
grace into the aura of your great
moral light."

“Our magazines are over there,
sir!

“Ah, Guns and Ammo, Gung-Ho,
Soldier of Fortune: different ways to
kill people you haven't met yet.

That's a real nice message to kids.
To say if you take your clothes off
voluntarily in front of a camera,
that’s immoral. Shame. Shame.
Shame. However, if a perfect
stranger were to blow them olf
with a rocket launcher, well

When the founding fathers drafted
the Bill of Rights, they sought to pro-
tect certain values: freedom of speech,
of the press, of the right of the people
to assemble peaceably. Their under-
standing of freedom and liberty came
from events in the real world. People
have the right to assemble in a church
or town square, the right to be secure
in their homes and the right to speak
freely in any and all of those places:
solid, tangible stuff. Rights made ma
fest through the morning paper, the
church pew, the Miranda card read by
the cop after breaking
down the door.

Twenty years ago,
Silicon Valley's com-
puter magicians
brought forth on this
continent a new na-
tion, conceived in mi-
crochips and dedicat-
ed to the proposi
that anything is possi-
ble. The nation is
called cyberspace; its
citizens, hackers. This
isa nation constructed
entirely of clectromag-
netic pulses, of com-
ршег languages and
TV screens. This na-
tion is not real, not
tangible. As with any
newly opened territo-
ry the property lines
between public and
private are in a state of flux. The out-
laws prowl the telephone lines, hacking
their way into private computer net-
works and bulletin boards. As one
hacker sums it up, “You have the right
to access any information that can be
accessed. . . . If they're not smart
enough to stop us, we have the right to
keep doing anything.” These are the
gunslingers of the Western frontier—
half spirit of freedom, half criminal.

Computer trespass seemed a harm-
less prank—until Hollywood took over.
Celluloid hackers nearly started World
War Three in War Games and became
international terrorists in Die Hard 2.
Washington, which takes its movies
seriously, may have overreacted. Fron-

tier justice prevails these days, with not
much regard for the principles and val-
ues inherent in the Bill of Rights.
When did the government begin
meting out its fronticr justice? In 1984,
a report by the House Judiciary Com-
mittee noted the “activities of so-called
hackers, who have been able to access
both private and public computer sys-
tems.” The 1986 Electronic Communi-
cations Privacy Act made unauthorized
access to private computer messages a
federal crime. The law theoretically
limited government eavesdropping by

narrowing the scope of government in-
terest—except for its unofficial posse.
Agents still have the necessity of war-
rant, court order or subpoena, but the
law excused “inadvertent” cavesdrop-
ping by the posse. The 1986 Meese
commission report, for instance, in-
cluded testimony in which postal in-
spector Paul M. Hartman admitted
that he had "accessed a computerized
bulletin board and found a message
rather casually displayed proclaiming
another subscriber's interest in pho-
tographs of teen and preteen chil-
dren." But hacking really lost its inno-
cence in 1988 with the arrest of Kevin
Mitnik for breaking into, among other
things, the North American Defense

free speech on the electronic

Command computer. Digital Equip-
ment Company's user network claimed
that Mitnik's hacking cost them more
than $4,000,000. The government
convicted Mitnik using the Counterfeit
Access Device and Computer Fraud
and Abuse Act, which was established
in 1984 to authorize Secret Service in-
vestigation into any real or imagined
computer offenses. Reputedly, up to
one out of four Treasury agents is now
a computer cop.

The Secret Service has targeted not
just the vandals of cyberspace but all
unauthorized users.
"fake Operation Sun
Devil in May 1990.
When the Secret Ser-
vice concluded its two-
year investigation into
the Legion of Doom,
a group of self-pro-
claimed hackers. more
than 150 agents head-
ed up a posse of per-
sonnel from AT&T,
American Express,
U.S. Sprint, plus a few
regional Bell tele-
phone companies, and
went hunting. They
seized 42 computers
and 23,000 floppy
disks in 14 cities from
New York to Texas.
The equipment is be-
ing held while they
pursue the investiga-
tion. As Mitch Kapor, co-inventor of
Lotus 1-2-3 and one of the founders of
the Electronic Frontier Foundation, an
organization to protect computer users,
puts it, “The law has only sledgeham-
mers, when what is needed are parking
tickets and speeding tickets.” In the
electronic nation, computer hackers are
out of business until proven innocent

Some instances:

In March 1990, the Secret Service
staged a raid on Steve Jackson Games
and seized a laser printer, computers
and many floppy disks, calling the
companys yet unpublished fantasy
role-playing game, Gurps Cyberpunk, a
"handbook for computer crime.” In the
game, players break into computers by

i
i

frontier

rolling computer dice, not by guessing
passwords—the most common com-
puter security system. The raid cost the
company, which had been publishing
fantasy role-playing games for ten
years, more than $125,000 and forced
it to lay off eight of 17 employees. As
Steve Jackson points out, some of the
property still hasn't been returned,
though no charges were ever filed. It's
as if the Secret Service targeted Parker
Brothers for marketing Clue because
it's a handbook for murder.

In July 1990, 19-year-old University
of Missouri student Craig Neidorf was
brought up on charges of wire fraud
and interstate transportation of stolen
property. Neidorfis the publisher of an
electronic magazine, Phrak, and in that
capacity, he received a copy of a tele-
phone-company document that de-
scribed the administrative structure of
an office in charge of a special 911 ser-
vice. He was indicted for, among other
things, receiving stolen goods. Most
view the computer as an electronic
printing press; the feds treated Nei-
dorf's computer as a van used to haul
off stolen merchandise and Neidorf as
a microchip fence. Charges were even-
tually dropped when it was learned
that the document was actually avail-
able to the public. “It’s our con-
tention," said Kapor, "that if Neidorf
did what he had done in a printed pub-
lication, either he wouldn't have been
charged at all or you would have heard
the screams from coast to coast.” You
bet. Imagine the ramifications if The
New York Times had been indicted for
receiving the Pentagon papers.

Of course, the First Amendment
docsn't—and shouldn't—protect all
computer speech. There are acts that
convert a computer into a burglar's
tool or a vandal's rock. The case of
Robert Tappan Morris, a Cornell Uni-
versity graduate student, was a situa-
tion that required government inter-
vention. Morris developed a rogue
program, a virus, which inadvertently
caused computers around the country
to shut down. Because he deliberately
designed the program to invade other
computers, he was convicted of com-
puter trespass and sentenced to three

By MATTHEW CHILDS

years probation and 400 hours of com-
munity service and fined $10,000. In
this case, the First Amendment didn't
protect the speech. The virus, since it
caused actual harm in much the same
way as yelling fire in a crowded theater,
could be penalized.

The chameleon nature of cyberspace
invites confusion. In the Phrak case, the
electronic space was a magazine; Nei-
dorf, a publisher. In the Morris case,
the speech became harmful, creating
electronic vandalism, and as such was
censored. While the First Amendment
protects a publisher, it still holds him or
her accountable for harmful speech.

Take, for example, the case of Prodi-
gy. a computer information service
owned jointly by IBM and Sears.
Someone posted a message proclaim-
ing "Hitler had some valid points,
too. . . . Remove the Jews and we will
gv a long ways toward avoiding much
trouble." The Anti-Defamation League
complained. Prodigy's corporate policy
sounds like the First Amendment ("We
Choose to permit the maximum
amount [of free expression] possible"),
whereas, in reality, the bulletin board
automatically censors certain offensive
words. The question becomes, Who
does the First Amendment protect—
anti-Semitic user or Corporate owner?

Does the First Amendment guaran-
tee the right of the user to create hate-
ful speech? The answer is no. The First
Amendment restricts government ас-
tión against the individual—in this
case, Prodigy, not the individual user.

Does it then hold Prodigy liable?
The answer is no again. In a court case
involving another computer network,
federal Judge Peter Leisure held that a
bulletin board is more like a "public li-
brary, bookstore or newsstand” than a
publisher. A bookstore owner is unable
to examine every publication for po-
tentally defamatory statements. The
government cannot dictate the con-
tents of books to their owners, but
neither can an author force a book-
store to carry a book.

The industry is not insensitive
to user needs and wishes. Indeed,
it appears to be much more liber-
tarian than the computer cops.

Lotus Development, along with
Equifax (one of the nation's largest
credit-rating bureaus), decided in 1991
to sell a database called Marketplace:
Household. It consisted of a list of
120,000,000 consumers complete with
their addresses, marital status, gender.
average neighborhood income and
spending information. Lotus received
30,000 calls and letters from people
asking to have their names deleted. Al-
though the company maintained that
the product was misunderstood, Jim
Manzi, Lotus’ chief executive, acknowl-
edged that it came at "the apex of an
emotional firestorm of public concern
about consumer privacy.” The compa-
ny quietly pulled the product.

At a conference utled Computers,
Freedom and Privacy, constitutional
scholar Laurence Tribe argued that the
Bill of Rights can seem quaint or even
archaic when reconstituted hy the mi-
crochip. But this shouldn't be the cas
The great rights were designed to tran-
scend technological innovation by pro-
tecting innately human values. Tribe
proposed a 27th Amendment to pro-
tect privacy in this increasingly techno-
logical land. It rcads: "This Constitu-
tion’s protections for the freedoms of
speech, press, petition and assembly,
and its protections against unreason-
able searches and seizures and the dep-
rivation of life, liberty or property
without due process of law, shall be
construed as fully applicable without
regard to the technological method or
medium through which information
content is generated, stored, altered,
transmit-
ted or con-
trolled,” 4 I

М E W

S F R

O N T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

SKIN GAMES

DALLAS—AL a meeting of the American
Academy of Dermatology, Professor Alex-
ander Fisher of New York University Med-
ical School reported that increased condom

usage has produced a predictable increase
in instances of the latex allergy commonly
known as condom dermatitis. While lamb-
skim condoms avoid this problem, they
don't protect sufficiently against AIDS. Dr.
Fishers solution? Wear a latex condom
over the skin condom. A female allergy
sufferer would still be exposed to the la-
tex—unless her partner covered his outside
rubber with another skin condom, afford-
ing both parties triple protection and a
new party game.

PARIS—A French entrepreneur has
launched a condom delivery service. Tak-
ing orders via portable phone, he promises
delivery within 30 minutes (shades of
Dominos) The 26-year-old originally
planned to ride shotgun on pizza deliver-
ies, but local restaurateurs declined. the
joint venture. For now, the limited menu
includes fruit-flavored condoms. Hold the
anchovies, please.

PUBLISH AND PERISH

CAIRO—A stale security court has im-
posed eight-year prison sentences on an
Egyptian novelist, his publisher and the
oumer of the press that printed his book,
“The Distance ina Man's Mind.” The sto-
ту, by Alaa Hamid, includes dream se-

quences in which Ihe main character meets
prophets from the Koran in comic situa-
tions. Islamic leaders declared the plot
heretical and blasphemous and the writer
an apostate—which, under Islamic law,
could earn him a death sentence. Egypt's
President Hosni Mubarak refused to in-
tercede, saying, “You cannot come and
harm religion and then say, ‘Never mind.”

NOT FADE AWAY

ToRONTO—Afler 45 years, Baton
Broadcasting, which owns the Miss Cana-
da pageant, has pulled the plug on the fes-
tivities. Baton blamed ‘changing tines
and escalating costs” for the closing. The
independently owned Miss Toronto pag-
eant folded the same day. Spokeswomen for
a number of Canadian feminist groups
applauded the competitions’ demise as a
victory in the battle against portraying
women as sex objects.

QUITTING THE LIFE

LOS ANGELES—Prostitutes, pimps, porn
stars and others who have made their liv-
ings off sex now haue their own support
group. Called Prostitutes Anonymous and
styled after AA, it offers members a 12-step
rehabilitation program devised by its
founder, Jodi Williams, a former madam
Williams explains that the addiction they
are dealing with is not to sex but lo the
“sex industry.” The recovering hookers and
workers often find adjusting to a conven-
tional lifestyle isn't easy. PA is expanding
to other states and has its own hotline:
818-905-2188.

HARASSMENT DIVIDEND

WASHINGTON. D.C. —Euen if the charges
didn't stick, a lot of women's groups are
benefiting. from the Anita Hill-Clarence
Thomas follies. Harriet Woods, president
of the National Women's Political Caucus,
described a "phenomenal response of wom-
en giving money because of their anger
and frustration over the hearings." Sharp
increases in membership, support or dona-
lions were also reported by the National
Organization for Women, the Fund for the
Feminist Majority, the Women's Campaign
Fund, Planned Parenthood and several
women political candidates.

CRACK SHERIFF

WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA—Celebrity
sheriff Nick Navarro (who busted 2 Live
Crew) is again pushing the envelope of
law enforcement. There is such a shortage
of crack cocaine in Florida that Sheriff
Nick is making his oum—for his narcs to
use in stings, of course. The Fourth Dis-
trict Court ordered the practice stopped.

NEW IMPOTENCE FINDING

LOS ANGELES—Researchers at UCLA
report that up to 80 percent of male impo-
tence may be rooted in a biological—not
psychological —cause, a result of the body's
failure to produce enough nitric oxide. The
chemical (not to be confused with your
dentist's nitrous oxide) triggers a series of
events that cause the penis to become en-
gorged with blood and remain erect, too lit-
ile and it’s limp. Urologists hope the dis-
covery will lead to new treatments

BIKER’S LAMENT

LOS ANGELES—A 48-year-old motorcy-
clist protested California’s new mandatory
helmet law by putting on his helmet and

shooting himself in the head. His grieving
widow explained that long rides on the bike
helped him escape his everyday problems
and that a helmet took away his sense of
freedom. He left a suicide note that said,
“Now I can't even ride.”

BEWARE SC

Why would a man rise before
dawn to fish for salmon on Scotland's
River Tweed? Why indeed.
Taste the true flavor of Scotland,
Dewar's “White Label"

As compelling as the land that inspired it. As natural as the man who wears it.

ASPEN

Cologne for men.

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: MICHAEL JORDAN

a candid conversation with the n.b.a
magic, basketball's ego war

At the age of 29, Michael Jeffrey Jordan is
almost certainly more popular than Jesus
What's more, he has better endorsement deals.
Of course, Jordan, unlike John Lennon,
would never say anything so imprudent. Is
not in his nature. Then, too, the estimated
$21,000,000 hell earn in 1992 from prod-
uct endorsements is dependent on his mage
as the quintessential gentleman, consummate
sportsman, clean-living family man and mod-
est, doum-lo-varth levilating demigod. He
maintains that image effortlessly, perhaps be-
cause Us nol an image.

Ws hard to resist calling Jordan the greatest
basketball player the world has ever seen, but
he does have his detractors. Over the past year,
his greatest achievements—leading the Chica-
go Bulls to their first NBA. championship
and being named to the United States’ first
pro Olympic basketball team—were connter-
balanced by the first widely publicized criti-
cisms of Jondan, superstar and citizen.

They began when Jordan waffled over
whether or not he would play in the 1992
summer Olympics. First he said he didu't think
he coded because he needed to rest in the off-
season; then he said he hadw't made up his
mind. A rumor began to circulate that the
real reason for his indecision was his likely
Olympic teammate, Detroit Pistons guard
Isiah Thomas, who is probably the nearest

“Here we are striving for equality and yet
people are going to say Fm not black enough?

M а Line when actually | thought Iwas trying
to be equal? Don't knock we off the pedestal
thal you wanted me to get onto.”

thing to an enemy Jordan has in the N.B.A.

though Jordan denied wielding the power
of his immense popularity io blackball
Thomas, not everyone believed. him. In Ihe
end, and for whatever reasons, Thomas was
not initially extended an invitation to be a
member of the team and Jordan, of course,
was. He accepted graciously. Bul it was about
that time that he began to sense, as sportswrit-
er Jack McCallum pul it, “a backlash against
his fame, a subtle dissatisfaction with the
whole idea of Michael Jordan.”

H didn't help that Jordan elected not to join
the rest of the Bulls at the White House to meet
President Bush (for which he received a mild
rebuke from Bulls teammate Horace Grant),
or that NEL. Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown
slammed him for not domg enough to help
black youth. But the unkindest cut of all came
from “the best-selling book “The Jordan
Rules," in which Chicago Tribune sports-
writer Sam Smith depicted Jordan as a some-
times tyrannical and fractious presence
among his teammates as they made their
championship drive.

Despite these cracks in his image, Jordan's
mystique and popularity have wmained in-
tact. The pleasure, delight and sheer wouder-
ment he has brought to millions of basketball
Jans (as well as to patrons of all the products
he so engagingly endorses) far outweigh any

“The Pistons were throwing punches, throw-
ing guys at you, talking shut. So Fm saying,
Well, these guys talk trash all the damn time to
everybody. Lets see if they can handle some
trash-talking back to them.”

<s in-flight demigod on life after
and his guarantee for olympic gold

criticisms thus far leveled against him. Most
of us would rather remember the thrills (and
cool sneakers) he's given их

1 collection of great Jordan moments would
have to begin with the 1982 N.C.A.A, cham-
piowhip game, when his jump shot at the
buzzer lifted the North Carolina Tar Heels to
a one-point wielory over the Georgelown
Hoyas. Then came his stellar performance al
the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles. Aud since
being drafted by the Bulls after his junior year
(he later went back to earn his degree), Jar-
dan’s career has been one long highlight film.
Most fans will never forget the 1986 play-ojfs
in which he utterly befuddled the Boston
Celtics with 49- and 63-point games; or the
1986-87 season, when he led the league in
scoring with 37.1 points per game, had more
50-port games than any olher player except
Wilt Chamberlain and became the second
player in NBA. histon—after Chamber-
lain—to score 3000 pomis in a season. In the
process, he was transforming а franchise
worth less than $20,000,000 in his rookie
season into one with a current estimated worth
of $150,000,000.

That estimate, of course, factors in last sea-
son's drive to the championship, in which Jor-
dan proved once aud for all that, conirary
to his image as a selfish shooter, he's probably
the most complete player in the game today,

PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARC HAUSER

Magic has never played in an Olympic
game. Never had that gold medal. He proba-
ly would take that risk knowing that he might
give up a day or two of his life. If I were in his
position, 1 probably would do it, too,

PLAYBOY

capable of providing his team with the best
shooting, passing and defense in the league,
as well as those intangibles of leadership and
inspiration. And it is from last year that we n
tain perhaps the most unforgettable moment:
Jordan on the floor of the Bulls’ locker room,
tears streaming from his eyes, as he pressed
the N.B.A. championship trophy against his
cheek. As long as videotape continues to spin
in VCRs, Jordan will have a lasting memori-
al to his play.

_Jordan's private side, of course, is not usu-
айу that accessible. After nearly being tram-
pled by 5000 autograph seekers, Jordan has
become cautious about being seen anywhere
but on the basketball court. He lives his off
days by special appointment: eating at restau-
rants after they ve closed, getting what's left of
his hair cut after the barbershop has locked up
for the evening, shopping in stores after usual
business hours. It is ironic that 30 years after
the end of segregation in public places, one of
the most famous black Americans often has to
use the back entrance.

Even if Ihe private Mike has been fast-
breaking out of the public eye, the public Jor-
dan plays a commanding in-your-face game.
He once told NBC's Maria Shriver, "Even my
mistakes have been perfect,” and that seems to
be the case. Take the Jordan backlash, for in-
stance. Nearly all the newspaper columnists
who questioned his hesitation to go to the
Olympics also mentioned how Isiah Thomas
led his humiliated Detroit Pistons teammates
off the floor in last year's Eastern Conference
play-offs without shaking hands with the vic-
torious Bulls. For many sports fans, such un-
sportsmanlike conduct was reason enough for
Thomas to be excluded from the Olympic team,
whether or not Jordan liked him. When fim
Brown accused Jordan of not doing enough
for black youth, the press came to Jordan's de-
Jense, emphasizing the work of the Michael
Jordan Foundation (which raises money for
25 youth-oriented charities) along with his ef-
Joris to fulfill the 75 requests per week he re-
ceives from sick children who want to sit beside
him on the Bulls bench. (Some children re-
ceive the shoes Jordan wore during the game;
one boy who died of leukemia was buried
in his.)

Although his White House no-show wasn't
popular in the major media, it veceived plan-
dits in the black press, which interpreted it as
Jordan's way of protesting Bush's stands on
civil rights issues. Then, finally, there was
“The Jordan Rules,” which was supposed to
play havoc with the Bulls’ team chemistry this
season. On the contrary, it seemed to make the
team tougher and more cohesive. Meanwhile,
America continues to admire Michael Jordan.

“Going to a Bulls game is like going to a
temple,” says Arthur Droge, associate profes-
sor of New Testament at the University of
Chicago's Divinity School. "There's definitely
a religious component about it and Jordan is
the demigod of the moment.”

Or, as Larry Bird put it in 1986,
God disguised as Michael Jordan.”

To track down Jordan, we enlisted

"He is

sportswriter Mork Мотей, whose rookie season
covering the Bulls for the Chicago Sun-
Times coincided with Michael Jordan's first
year in the N.B.A. As a press-section veteran
of innumerable games and championship sea-
sons, Vancil has seen a lot of winners. None,
in his opinion, matches Michael Jordan.

“Faster than most of us, Michael seems to
have realized that money buys things, but it
can't buy time. The Bulls public-relations de-
partment usually dismisses interview requests
out of hand. Although Jordan will answer
anything inside the walls of a locker room be-
fore or afier а game, his time, particularly in
Chicago, is generally off-limits to everyone but
family, friends and contractual obligations.

“With that im mind, I suggested we talk on
the road. He agreed and we arranged to meet
during an extended early-season road trip
that started in Oakland and moved through
Seatile, Denver, Los Angeles, Portland and
Sacramento. The first session was on Thanks-
giving in Portland.

“He talked for almost 90 minutes, and an-
other session was scheduled for game day the
following afternoon. The Bulls had won three
straight on the trip and ten in a row overall,
but Portland would be a test. With the game

“Magic wasn’t
the only
promiscuous
athlete. I'm.
preity sure he
won't be the last.”

less than six hours away, Jordan seemed anx-
ious. He talked about the Smith book, citing
specifics that other writers had asked him
about. I should go to Sacramento, he said. ‘I
don't know anybody there. We'll be able to
finish up in my room."

"After a grueling double-overtime victory
over Portland, Jordan didn't appear capable
of getting to his room. Back spasms left him
sprawled on a table, the pain so intense that
Jordan, still in uniform more than 40 minutes
after the game, had to be helped to the team
bus while his clothes were packed.

“He called al four вм. the next day. Come
оп up," he said. Pue got about thirty minutes."
Once 1 reached his suite, a huge pregame meal
arrived: a steak, potato skins, a pitcher of or-
ange juice, water and a salad. Jordan was
moving without hesitation. As evidenced by
his appearance in 234 straight games, he has
always been able to fight through pain. A full
day of therapy had eliminated the back
spusms, and in an apparently effortless perfor-
mance that night, Jordan scored 30 points.
The Bulls coasted through the final paces of a
perfect road trip. An hour after the game, Jor-
dan called and agreed lo one last session.

"We began our conversation with a topic

much on the minds of the basketball world.
Magic Johnson.”

PLAYBOY: How
about Ma;
JORDAN: His agent, Lon Rosen, lefi me a
message at practice and he said it's an
emergency, he's got to talk 10 me. When
I called him back, he told me, *Magic's
having a press conference today. He's
going to retire. He tested positive for
HIV”

PLAYBOY: Where were you when he told
you?

JORDAN: | was driving home. | almost
drove off the road. I said, “This has to be
some kind of sick joke." He said, "Well,
Earvin wants to talk to you." So he gave
me Earvin's number and I called him at
home. He was as calm as you and 1. I
said to him, "Damn, you're calmer than
Гат. I'm about to drive off the road.”
He said, “I just want you to continue on
with your life. I'm going to be fine, my
baby's going to be fine, my wife is fine.”
Before Magic's announcement,
s ever talk about AIDS?
JORDAN: We were aware of it, but most
guys never thought of it happening to
heterosexuals. It was always gays, drug
users and people who got it from trans-
fusions. But it slapped me right in the
face. From all angles, it slapped me.
PLAYBOY: Have you been tested?
JORDAN: I've been tested for the last two
years.
PLAYBOY: Wh:
JORDAN: Because I've
policies that demanded it.

you get the news

had insurance

PLAYBOY: Would it have surprised you
before Magic's announcemer
JORDAN: One of your prime personalities
has gone public and said he got it
uity. He wasn't the only
promiscuous athlete. I'm pretty sure he
won't be the last.

PLAYBOY: Tell us about life on the road in
the N.B.A.

JORDAN: There are a lot of things being
said about the opportunities you have on
the road. Sure, you have opportunities,
you have opportunities everywhere. Af-
ter the game, you see different women.
Players have always been knowledgeable
about that, to say who's who and what's
what. If you don't listen, then you're
ig yourself at ris
nd there are guys who don't
think or lister

said it himself: You never
think it can happen to you. Next thing
you know, you're stung by a bee.

PLAYBOY: Are guys really going to learn
this lesson, or is it just a passing concern?
JORDAN: It’s going to cut down some of
the playing around. But | also thin!

There's a place where the rain
never dampens a man's spirit, only his boots,

Lita
“a
oo
м
y
JU Т
e T

Where a man's as tough as the chaps he wears,

Where you have to win your spurs every day,

nd tells you everything you neéd to know.

A special place in Marlboro Country.

MEINUM

The low tar cigarette
when you want more flavor.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking

Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

12 mg "tar; 0.8 mg nicotine
av. per cigarette by FTC method.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking

Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

12 mg "'tar;' 0.8 mg nicotine
av. per cigarette by FTC method.

going to allow for both men and women
to be more open-minded about safe sex
I think Magic is going to make players
say, Hey, don't be afraid to ask this per-
son. Now it's a given: You have to talk
about
PLAYBOY: It used to be that a player's pri-
mary concern was not getting someone
pregnant —
JORDAN: Or gel
you pray for that
PLAYBOY: What was your relationship
with Magic early on in your carcer?
JORDAN: I likcd him when I was in high
school. They used to call me Magic Jor-
dan. My first car had a license plate with
Magic Jordan on it. It was a 1976 Grand
Prix.

PLAYBOY: Things were pretty strained
between you when you first got into the
league, weren't they?

JORDAN: There was a little bit of envy be-
cause of the way I came into the league.
Magic came in with even more flair and
even more success. And he should have
been even bigger than I was in terms of
endorsements and business opportuni-
ties. But he wasn't marketed that way.
And І was fortunate to have good peo-
ple. So there was some envy.

PLAYBOY: How did the two of you get
over it?

JORDAN: During my third ycar, he invit-
ed me out to play in his summer charity
game. We ironed out our differences in
private in the locker room and we began
a relationship.

PLAYBOY: There are some differences
you haven't ironed out. What's the story
with you and Isiah Thomas and the al-
leged Jordan freeze-out at the 1985
N.B.A/ All-Star game? Do you think they
were really denying you the ball?
JORDAN: If you go back and look at the
film, you can scc that Isiah was actually
doing that Once it started. geuing
around that he was freezing me out,
that's when the ill feelings started to
grow between us.

PLAYBOY: There were some problems
even before the game, weren't there?
JORDAN: That was my first All-Star game.
1 stayed in my room most of the time be-
cause I didn't know what to do. None of
my teammates were there, I didn't want
to be out in a situation that I wasn't com-
fortable with. The one time I did go out,
1 got on an elevator with Isiah Thomas
10 go downstairs for a league meeting.
That was the first time I met him. And.
I said, "Hello, how ya doin" That's all I
said. I was really intimidated because 1
didn't know him and I didn't want to get
on his nerves. I didn't want to seem like
a rookie. You know, to just be so stupid.
So I was quiet. I stayed in the corner
When I went down in the room for the
1 still didn’t say anything. After
the weckend was over, it got back to me
that 1 arrogant and cocky and I
wouldn't even speak to Isiah on the ele-

g V.D. or herpes. Now

meetir

vator, that I gave him the cold shoul-
der. And I'm saying Isiah Thomas initi-
ated it all.

PLAYBOY: How did that make you feel?
JORDAN: I was really disappointed and
upset because I never wanted to step on
anybody's toes. When I came into the
league, 1 considered myself the lowest
on the totem pole. Im a rookie, now let
me work my way up. When I started
with the Bulls, they wanted me to be a
vocal leader, but I told coach Kevin
Loughery that I didn't feel comfortable
doing that. We had all these guys with
six or seven years in the league and I was
in my first year. How could I tell these
guys this and that? The best way I could
do it was just to go out and play hard.
And that's the way I've always treated it.
"They took that as disrespect and misin-
terpreted that whole weekend.

PLAYBOY: The next game after the All-
Star break was at home against Detroit.
How did you react?

JORDAN; Normally, 1 would smile and
enjoy myself, but I was serious the whole
game. It was a grudge game from my
standpoint. And the next day, the head-
lines read JORDAN GETS HIS REVENGE,
SCORES 49. That's all Isiah needed to sec.
It was a competition from that point. I
always tried to respect him and be kind,
but I always would hcar talk that he vas
saying things about me behind my back.
1 just said, Well, I'm gonna stop trying to
be nice. Screw it. [ust play basketball. We
don't have to be best of friends.
PLAYBOY: Was that experience ultimately
good for you?

JORDAN: Well, it taught me about the
jealousy that you deal with on this level.
But at the same time, this is a business.
I'm going to take advantage ofall the op-
portunities. If they were in my shoes,
they would do the exact same thing.
PLAYBOY: Other players were jealous of
your success in endorsements and busi-
ness dealings?

JORDAN: Right. But why must I squan-
der my opportunities because those guys
never got that opportunity? They don't
want me to have it and they're going to
be pissed at me if | do it? Screw that. And
some people may view that as wrong. I
see people writing letters to the editor:
“Tm tired of seeing Michael Jordan's
face everywhere.” Who are you? Be-
cause if you were where Lam, you'd be
doing the same thing. I'm not go
let that bother me. This is a business.
want to take advantage of my opportuni-
Чез and walk away from the game finan-
cially set. I'm not doing anything that
anybody else in my position wouldn't do.
PLAYBOY: When did you adjust to being a

PLAYBOY: Not until then
JORDAN: | was really liking it up until
about my fourth year, But that's when

you start getting tired. Your moods start

to change. People start taking advantage
of your niceness. And you want more
time for yourself. You change your
whole attitude. I'm starting to be more
open about everything. Before 1 was
hesitant about saying how I feel.
PLAYBOY: What do you mear
JORDAN: I'll tell you if I don't like some-
thing. Before I would just keep it to my-
self. Now I'm becoming a little more
opinionated because people have be-
come more opinionated about me.
PLAYBOY: Let's talk a little about your
public image. Why didn't vou go to the
White House when President Bush invit-
ed the team?

JORDAN: I didn't want to go. 1 had somc-
thing else to do. Before 1 would have
said, “Well, I had my reasons." Га do it
in a very respectful way. But that's none
of your business. The Bulls knew 1
wasn't going, so why must I tell you? Go
ask them why 1 didn't go. They knew. I
make my stand now because it's easy for
people to take advantage of me and be-
come more opinionated about things
that I choose to do. I may not be in
agreement with what pcople want me to
do. Who gives a damn? They don’t live
the life that 1 try to live. Do I ask them
why they go to the bathroom?

PLAYBOY: They don't have to deal with
what you deal with.

JORDAN: Right, they don't. People say
they wish they were Michael Jordan.
OK, do it for a year. Do it for two years.
Do it for five years. When you get past
the fun part, then go do the part where
you get into cities at three AM. and you
have fiftcen people waiting for auto-
graphs when you're as tired as hell. Your
knees are sore, back's sore, your body's
sore, and yet you have to sign fifteen au-
tographs at three in the morning.

What happens if you don't?
JORDAN: Somebody will take a shot, say-
ing, "Oh, look at him." On one road trip,
we got into Denver at three in the morn-
ing and there were people s in the
hotel lobby. I м В , “Pin sor-
ry, please, I'm tired." Then I heard, “I
s that's the Jordan rules.” 1 just kept
ing. One of these days I'm going
y, "Go screw yourself.” Maybe when
I'm walking out of the league.

PLAYBOY: lel us about your champi-
onship season. Was it as turbulent as it
was described in The Jordan Rules?
JORDAN: I haven't read it.

PLAYBOY: In the book, Sam Smith re-
marked on all the tickets you got to a
sold-out game in last year's finals. The
implication was that you were being af-
forded preferential treatment. Are your
Bulls tickets free?

JORDAN: | buy every damn ticket. Ain't
nobody giving me tickets. I pay for all
those fifty-dollar box-seat tickets I give to
liue all the loose tickets that I
may have alter a game that I do not use
and I give to [Bulls forward] 5соше Pip-
pen, give to [Bulls forward] Horace

PLAYBOY

Grant, give to people, I pay for them all
I don't ask them to pay me back. I spent
one hundred thousand dollars on tickets
last year that I didn't get back. That's
money that I paid the Bulls and other
teams. So don't bitch at me about all the
tickets I spread around.

PLAYBOY: Another anecdote, which pre-
sumably shows you as a selfish scorer,
had Bulls center Bill Cartwright talking
about a game against New Jersey. Ac-
cording to Cartwright, vou were com-
plaining that coach Phil Jackson took
you out of the game to keep you from
scoring more.

JORDAN: Sam Smith says Cartwright said
I was bitching about not getting fifty
points and that everyone could have

scored twenty instead. That's the biggest
lic in America
for Cartwright to score as many points as
he can. If he can't score, that’s his damn
problem. All 1 can do is throw him the
ball. I can't make him move.

PLAYBOY: What about the charge that
you want only to score?

JORDAN: I don't go out and just try to
score. | score because there is an oppor-
tunity to score. It doesn't matter. who
scores. 1f you have an opportunity to
score, you score. And we win. Smith
made it seem like I was selfish in that
sense, that all I thought about was get

The whole offense is set

ting my points when actually 1 wasnt

worried about that. 1 was worried about

winning. Who cares what happens with
the points?

PLAYBOY: The scoring title doesn't mean
anything to you?

JORDAN: lt doesn't even faze me any-
more. If I win the scoring title this year,
I win it. If I don't, I don't. I know I could
win it if I wanted to. But I just don't ry
10 chase it anymore. I let whatever hap-
pens happen

PLAYBOY: What was your contact with the
author?

JORDAN: [Bulls vice president of opera-
tions Jerry] Krause and I are the most
criticized people in the book, but we're
the only two that didn't go to lunch with
this dude. It's like he was planning to kill
us anyway, so why take us to lunch?
PLAYBOY: Did you expect that this sort of
thing would happen to you onc day?
JORDAN: | knew people were going 10
start taking shots at me. You get to a
point where people are going to get
tired of seeing you on a pedestal, all
clean and polished. They say, Let's see if
there's any dirt around this person. But
I never expected it to come from inside.
Sam tried to make it seem like he was a
friend of the family for eight months
But the family talked about all this
tred they have for me. I mean, if they
had so much hatred for me, how could
they play with me? Why didn't they go to
[Bulls owner] Jerry Reinsdorf and ask
him to trade me? 1 don't know how we

won if there was so much hatred among
all of us. It looked like we all got along
so well.

PLAYBOY: Do you look at your teammates
and wonder to yourself if they really said
that stuff?

JORDAN: imagine some of the
things being said from anger or jealousy
or disappointment. But 1 could see Sam
Smith actually manipulaung, putting
words in their mouths, to get his mean-
ing from the situation. Let's say Horace
Grant was upset for one game about not
getting enough shots and maybe 1 had a
lot more shots than anybody else m
can sense that anger, get over there and
ask him all kinds of questions. In the
book, Sam makes it appear to be a prob
lem all season long. Actually, it's just onc
game

PLAYBOY: Anything else bug you about it?
JORDAN: He really exploits
things. I've heard there was a story
about how Pippen, Grant and I were
talking about our sons’ penises. He said
we spent thirty minutes debating whose
son had the biggest penis. What's the
purpose of that being in the book? You
know it's kidding, so what?

PLAYBOY: Let's get back to the champi-
onship drive. You seem to feel that it
wasn't enough to win the N.B.A. title,
you had to do it the right way

JORDAN: When we were beating Philly in
the play-offs last ycar and Detroit was

I can

certain

going against Boston, everyone was say-
ing, “I hope Boston wins.” I said, No
way. If we're going to go, we have to go
the hardest route, or else as a team,
we're going to get criticized for it. First
of all, Scottie Pippen would never re
deem himself from having those three
headaches, or whatever he had, in the
final 1990 conference championship
game against the Pistons. As a team we
would never live it down because we al-
ways faltered under Detroit's pressure
No one really gained respect from De-
troit players,

PLAYBOY: It would have reflected badly
on you, 100.

JORDAN: All of that would have been
right on my shoulders. Yeah, you won a
championship, people would have said,
but you didn't go through Detroit to do
it. I didn't want that crap to happen. 1
wanted to go the hardest route.
PLAYBOY: There was also the matter of
how you compared to Magic and Larry
Bird.

JORDAN: When it came to comparisons,
this is what always knocked me out of the
top two players: People would always
say, “All these great plays and he's never
taken his team to a championship.” So 1
wanted to go through one of those two.
It worked out perfect.

PLAYBOY: Magic made his teammates bet-
ter. That's something you've been ac-
cused of failing to do.

JORDAN: The championship was my op-
portunity to show I'm not just a scorer
That was the challenge when everyone
tried to make it a one-on-one situation,
Magic versus Michael. I realized that.
But you know, I told people that if we
got to the Finals, we were going to win, if
I have anything to do with it. I might
never get this opportunity again. And
when I got to the Finals, all I tried to do
was plug holes—scoring. passing. re-
bounding, whatever—just as they had
portrayed Magic as doing

PLAYBOY: Was there a particular moment
in the year when you thought, Maybe we
can go all the way?

JORDAN: When we beat Detroit before
the All-Star game.

PLAYBOY: | hat early?

JORDAN: We beat them in Detroit. We
hadn't beaten them in Detroit for about
ten games, and once we did, it gave us
confidence. We needed to know that we
could beat them on their court. In the
conference championship series the year
before, we had defended our home
court well. But we went up there and got
stomped in game seven.

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the Detroit se-
ries in last year's play-offs, You blew
through New York and Philadelphia,
and then came the Pistons

JORDAN: We were waiting for this. We
had the home-court advantage. And we
defended our home court the last six or

seven times. The first game was a key

because you knew they were going to
throw shit at us. Pippen knew what Den-
nis Rodman going to do. He
couldn't let him get into his head. Just
play, turn your face and keep going. We
won both games in Chicago, so we went
up to Detroit and said, Lets sweep them
PLAYBOY: Could you see the fear in their
eyes?

JORDAN: Yeah. They couldn't rattle us.

They tried everything to rattle our
conhdence.

PLAYBOY: Such as?

JORDAN: Throwing punches, throwing
guys at you, talking shit. So I'm saying
Well, these guys talk trash all the damn
time to everybody. Let's see if they can
handle some trash-talking back to them.
So I started talking it to 'em. With Mark
Aguirre, I said, “This is not your home.
You're not in Chicago anymore. You live
in Detroit. This is our home." Rodman, I

was

said, "Rodman, best defensive player?
Jump your ass over here if you think
you're the best defensive player in the

Icague.” And that irritated the hell out of
him. Every time he'd go past me, boom,
knee me їп the corner, knee me in the
back. He was trying to frustrate me. And
I was trying to do exactly what he would
do. I'm trying to knock the hell out of
Rodman. I'm telling Scottie to bring him
off the screen—boom, I knock him. Rod-
man got pissed off because we were

lnot- watered down.

To drink light:
yet sahsty

Complete ln
t For refreshment

PLAYBOY

doing the same shit that he would do. I
knew I was getting to him.

PLAYBOY: How about Isiah?

JORDAN: He was really passive. 1 think
that he was so confident thar they had
something on us that, in a sense, he
wasn't needed to win. He was just going
to be the director instead of being the
aggressor. Once he tried to be aggres-
sive, as too late.

PLAYBOY: Have Pistons players tried to
hurt you?

JORDAN: Laimbeer has. The first time it
cd, I thought it was just an initia-
to the league. And then the crap
started happening every time on the
break, he and I angling off at the break.
He doesn't even try
to block the shot.
His whole body is
coming at me. Ànd
I'm going up in the

happen.
ed by it but I handle
it. Fm waiting for
my last year.
PLAYBOY: 15 Laim-
beer worse than the
rest of them, even
Rodman?

JORDAN: No, I think
Rodman and Laim-
beer are just alike.
They try to live up
to their image of bc-
ing assholes.
PLAYBOY: The De-
troit series was a re-
markably thorough
beating.

JORDAN: That's why
they walked off the

image and win. They didn't win just off
brute force, They had talent enough to
win. But they could still have that talent
without the brutality.

PLAYBOY: Did it surprise you during the
last game when they walked off the floor
before time had expired?

JORDAN: Yeah, it really did. Isiah
Thomas is the president of our players
association and yet he is going to or-
chestrate that unsportsmanlike conduct?
Three years in a row, I pushed myself to
shake their hands and wish them luck
and told them to bring the champi-
onship back to the Eastern Conference.
PLAYS: hat had to be hard to swallow.
JORDAN: Hard to swallow, but out of

Check with the Guinness Book Of Records* The new RICOH PF-1 weighs
just 5% pounds, and faxes 8% x 11 documents. So call 1-800-63-RICOH ext. 243

JORDAN: Yeah, but
changed. It's not
hands, we grabbed it
PLAYB: What were the emotions like
before game five against the Lakers?
JORDAN: We were just determined.
PLAYBOY: Were you scared?
JORDAN: Nope, I wasn't scared. We had
three chances to win one, right? I wasn't
nervous. We went in there relaxed.
PLAYBOY: When did it hit you that the
championship was yours?
JORDAN: When [guard] John Paxson
started knocking down shots. He was
measuring them, boom, he was just
knocking them down. I missed some of
the excitement by not doing it in Chica-
go. If we had done
it in Chicago, we
probably wouldn't
have lived, because
the fans would have
killed us. But it was
nearly as bad in
LA

the momentum
ke it just changed

pened in the locker
room after the fi-
nal game? It looked
like you were
overwhelmed with
emotion.

JORDAN: | tried to
fight it, but I
couldn't. I sup
pressed a lot of dis-
appuinunent uver
the years. When we
won it all, I became
more emotional
than 1 have ever
been. I don't regret
it. It was something
I had to let out.

court. We embar- and put the smallest fax in the world in your briefcase. PLAYBOY: Is there
rassed them. To going to be any
sweep them four- = challenge to the
zip. it was embar- е prope Olympic:

rassing. Defending m JORDAN: You know,
champions, embar- it’s one of tho

rassing. It was like
good overriding
evil.

PLAYBOY: What do

JORDAN: It was their style of basketball. 1f

you knock a person down on a hard foul,
you pick th up and say, "Are you
all right?” Pistons will knock you
down, then, if possible, k They
try to use that crap as an intimidator
out of th titude, the
e actions, That bad-boy
ight them some gold, but it al-
ht them a lot. of sl shame.
PLAYBOY: li drives De nuts to hear
you say things like that. They feel you
don't give them any respect.

JORDAN: Respect for whatz

JORDAN: и» true. Everybody knows it
They were smart enough to utilize their

Where Imagination Becomes Reality

* AscerfiedbytheGuinnessBook O Records

sportsmanship, this is what you're sup-
posed to do.

ze that the

JORDAN: In the first game against the
Lakers. They played their asses oll.
we played terrible, but we still had a
chance to win down the stretch. That's

all we needed from that point on. That
gave us our confidence. It was a moral
victory for us in the first gamc. Then in

the second game, we went right back
and pounded them. Gave us that
confidence back that we lost.

PLAYBOY: Most people looked at it from
the standpoint that the Lakers got a
game in Chicago.

it-
the

uations where

challenge is going
10 be playing to-
gether as a team.
Ww hen you look at

the talent a
10 play against,
never be close. We taught them the
game of basketball. We've got people
who have the ability and the height
We're talking about the greatest players
that play the game now and the team is
the best team that's ever been put to-
gether. Who's going to beat us? The Jap-
anese? The Chinese? They can't match
up to the athleticism we're going to have
on this te Not to mention the mental

advantage we're going 10 have here with
Magic, or whoevers gonna play the
point. You have Stockton, Barkley, me,

Robinson, Bird . . . come on. These are
the people that the Europeans look up

10, so how can they beat us? If any game
is cven close, it will bc a moral victory for
Europe

PLAYBOY: What will you do if Bill Laim-
beer or Isiah Thomas makes the
Olympic team?

JORDAN: 1 would respect them as team-
mates and we would play as a team.
PLAYBOY: You still would do it?

JORDAN: If I walk off now, you think
there’

not going to be a controversy? 1
would do it to avoid all the publicity
and feelings between us. Americans
shouldn't be that way when they re rep-
resenting the country. You just have to
do it

PLAYBOY: Why do you think Magic wants
to play in the Olympics? What does it
matter, given what he's accomplished?
JORDAN: Hc has accomplished. every-
thing possible in terms of basketball ex-
cept for one thing: He's never played in
an Olympic game. Never had that gold
medal. And that can be eating at him. He
probably would take that risk knowing
that he might give up a day or two of his
life. You know what? If I were in his po-
sition, I probably would do it, too. I'm
going to be in his corner all the way. It
adds something to your life when you
win a gold medal. You hear the whole
world cheering for you. That's far
greater than any other cheering you're
going to hear in basketball.

PLAYBOY: Even greater than the N.B.
title?

JORDAN: Yeah. The title is for Chicago
and the Bulls fans around the United
States, but the Olympics are for every-
body in the United States and then
some.

PLAYBOY: For all the credit, respect,
celebrity and money that have come to
you in your career, you remain a black
man in a country dominated by white
corporate structures. Recently, you have
even taken shots from black writers who
suggest you're not black enough.
JORDAN: | realize that I'm black, but I
like to be viewed as a person, and that's
everybody's wish. That's what Martin
Luther King fought for, that everybody
could be treated equal and be viewed as
a person. In some ways I can't under-
stand it, because here we are striving for
equality and yet people are going to say
I'm not black enough? At a time when
actually I thought | was trying to be
equal? I try to be a role model for black
kids, white kids, yellow kids, green kids.
This is what I felt was good about my
personality. Don't knock me off the
pedestal that you wanted me to get onto.
I get criticized about not giving back to
the community—well, that's not true. I
do. I just don't go out and try to seek
publicity from it. I could hold a press
conference on everything that I do for
the black community. But I don't choose
to do that, so people are not aware of it
PLAYBOY: Docs the accusation sting:
JORDAN: Ycah, it's rcally unfair. Because

they ask for more black role models, yet
they're stabbing me when I'm up here
trying to be a very positive blac
model.

PLAYBOY: You don't seem like a very po-
litical person.

JORDAN: I always keep my political views
to myself

PLAYBOY: But there are others who want
you to be more up-front

JORDAN: Look at what happened in
North Carolina. I got criticized for not
endorsing Harvey Gantt, the black guy

role

who was running for the Senate against
Jesse Helms in North Carolina. I chose
not to because I didn't know of his
achievement, I didn’t know if he had
some negative things against him. Be-
fore I put myself on the line, at least 1
wanted to know who this guy was. And 1
didn't, but 1 knew of Jesse Helms and
1 wasn't in favor of him. So I sent Gantt
some money as a contribution. But that
was never publicized. It was just that
I didn't come out publicly and do an
endorsement

PLAYBOY: How do you handle pressure
from Jesse Jackson and other activists?
JORDAN: I never bow to that pressure be-
cause I always keep my opinions to my-
self. I avoid those types of endorsements
from a political standpoint. That's just
me. That's my prerogative to do so. If
you don't like it, lump it

PLAYBOY: How did you react when Oper-
ation PUSH called for a boycott of Nike?
JORDAN: It was a valid point. But if
you're going to take that stand about
having blacks in more controlling or ex-
ecutive positions, do it with every shoe
company. Don't pick the one on top and
say, Hey, there aren't enough blacks in-
volved. Because you're targeting Nike
while Reebok and all these others are go-
ing to gain from us being attacked.
That's not fair. Say the whole shoe in-
dustry does not have enough blacks in
powerful executive positions. OK, I'm
with уоп. Maybe we have to change that
I'm saying, come to the black people in-
volved and ask us, Well, are blacks being
promoted in higher positions? We could
have said yes. John Thompson is on the
Nike board of directors. 1 hope I can be
put on the advisory board, and we're
starting to move up. Naturally, you still
want to have more. 1 think PUSH
helped get more blacks involved in the
business side. But they approached it
from a bad angle.

PLAYBOY: You like to play golf, but there's
no sport with a richer history of exclu-
sion. Do you think that has irritated
some in the black community, that you
play at exclusive clubs in spite of their
policies?

JORDAN: | think l'm opening the door
for blacks to be involved. I was getting
more opportunities to go to these clubs.
Sam Smith wrote in his book that I
would have been declined membership
at a Jewish golf course, but that's not

Without Black,
it would all be flat.

Ultimately theres Black:

PLAYBOY

true. | never applied. The only golf
courses tl pplied to, 1 got accepted
He had me saying that if I won the lot-
tery, I'd go out and buy a golf course and
keep out all the Jews. Well, why would I
have to win the louery? I could go buy
one now.

PLAYBOY: Where are you a member?
JORDAN: l'm a member in Chicago at
Wynstone, at Wexford in Hilton Head,
and in Rancho Sante Fe at a place called
I'm a member at the Gover-
nor's Club in Chapel Hill

PLAYBOY: Do you pay the regular mem-
/ dues and fees?

һ, I pay. I went through the
normal procedures of getting in. I never
want it to be a privilege. I don't want to
be a token.

PLAYBOY: When was the
er had to deal with racism?

JORDAN: When I threw a soda at a girl
for calling mea nigger. It was when Roots
was on television

PLAYBOY: How old were you?

JORDAN: | was fifteen. It was a very
tough year. I was really rebelling. I con-
sidered myself a racist at that time, Basi
cally, I was against all white people.
PLAYBOY: Why?

JORDAN: It was hundreds of years of pain.
that they put us through, and for the
first time, Í saw it from watching Roots. 1
was very ignorant about it initially, but I
really opened my eyes about my ances-
tors and the things that they had to
deal with.

PLAYBOY: How long did it take you to get.
over that?

JORDAN: A whole year. The education
came from my parents. You have to be
able to say, OK, that happened back
then. Now let's take it from here and see
what happens. It would be very easy to
hate people for the rest of your life, and
some people have done that. You've got
to deal with whats happening now and
try to make things better.

PLAYBOY: What did you think you'd be
when you grew up?

JORDAN: A professional athlete.

PLAYBOY: How early did you begin think-
ing that?

JORDAN: 1 always thought 1 would be a
professional athlete. 1 always loved
sports. I knew one thing I didn’t want
was a job. Me and working were never
best friends. I enjoyed playing.
PLAYBOY: Your dad once said that you
were the laziest kid he had.

JORDAN: He doesnt lie. He tried to
change me, but it never worked. He
couldn't keep me from playing sports. 1
think my first job was in the eleventh
grade and [ quit after a week.
PLAYBOY: What was it?
JORDAN: | was a hotel maintena
1 was cleaning out pools, painting
changing air-conditioner filters
sweeping out the back room. I said, nev-
er again. I may be a wino first, but I will
not have a nine-to-five job.

t time you ev-

PLAYBOY: You had a bad experience with
swimming when you were a kid, didn't
you?

JORDAN: | went swimming with a close
friend one day, and we were out wading
and riding the waves coming in. The
current was so strong it took him under
and he locked up on me. It’s called the
death lock, when they know they're in
trouble and about to die. | almost had to
break his hand. He was gonna take me
with him.

PLAYBOY: Did you save him?
JORDAN: No, he died. I don't go into the
water anymore.

PLAYBOY: Ном old were you?

JORDAN: | was really young. About seven
or eight years old. Now 1 aint g
near the water. I can't swim and I
messing with the water.

PLAYBOY: Even when you go on a boat?
JORDAN: Not without a life jacket, I
won't. Not a little boat, either. It has to be
a big boat for me.

PLAYBOY: It doesn't bother you to say
that, does
JORDAN: No. I dont give a damn. Every-
body's got a phobia for something. I do
not mess with water.

PLAYBOY: Were you always a star in
sport
JORDAN: No, but 1 had ambitions of be-
ing one. All I wanted to do was play all
the time. I used to give up whatever al-
lowance I had to my brothers, for them
to wash dishes for me and clean the
hou
PLAYBOY: Did it bother your father?
JORDAN: My father is a mechanical per
son. He always tried to save money by
working on everybody's cars. And my
older brothers would go out and work
with him. He would tell them to hand
him a nine-sixteenths wrench and they'd
do it, Fd get out there and he'd say give
me a nine-sixteenths wrench and I
didn't know what the hell he was talking
about. He used to get irritated with me
and say, “You don't know what the hell
you're doing, go on in there with the
women."

PLAYBOY: Were you popular with girls in
high school?

JORDAN: | always thought 1 would be a
bachelor. I couldn't get a date.

PLAYBOY; Come on.

JORDAN: | kidded around too much. 1 al-
ways used to play around with women. 1
was a clown. I picked at people a lot.
That was my way of breaking the ice with
people who were very serious. | was
good in school. I'd get A's and B's in my
classes but I'd get N's and U's in conduct
because I was kidding around, talking all
the time.

PLAYBOY: We've heard you did some seri-
ous preparation for bachelor life.
JORDAN: | (оок home economics from
seventh through ninth grade. They were
easy classes, we got to cat and I was al-
ways a grecdy person with food. And
you got to do things. I always thought

ain't

I'd be doing my own еміп,
and cleaning

PLAYBOY: What can you do?

JORDAN: Oh, | can sew shirts, I can make
clothes.

PLAYBOY: Still?

JORDAN: I could hem pants right now. 1
can cook and clean and all that stuff. But
do 1 do it? No. I t want to. But 1
could if I had to.

Did you watch basketball much

and cooking

as a kid?
JORDAN: | used to watch a little А.С.

college basketball because we never got
professional basketball on TV where 1
lived. I didn't know anybody in the
N.B.A. I only knew David Thompson,
ter Davis, guys from my
PLAYBOY: When you were a high school
senior, did North Carolina recrui you:
They were recruiting me when
I was in the eleventh grade. My high
school coach wrote to them, so they sent
a scout down. I went to North Carolina
with the Five-Star camp, even though
Dean Smith didn’t want me to go.
PLAYBOY: Why not?

JORDAN: He tried to keep me hidden. If
1 was at Five-Star, they would open up
the doors of the schools and everybody
would notice. 1 won about ten trophies
in two weeks. I was an all-star and the
M.V.P for two weeks in a row and my
team won the championship both weeks.
I was racking it up. Then everybody
started recruiting me.

PLAYBOY: Was North Carolina your first
choicc?

JORDAN: I always wanted to go to UCLA.
That was my dream school,

PLAYBOY: Why?

JORDAN: Because when 1 was growing
up, they were a great team. Kareem Ab-
dul-Jabbar, Bill Walton, John Wooden.
But I never got recruited by UCLA.
PLAYBOY: Even after your success in the
Five-Star camp?

JORDAN: By the time they wanted to re-
cruit me, they had heard that I go-
y close to home, which was not
necessarily true. I also wanted to go to
Virginia because 1 wanted to play with
Ralph Sampson for his last two years
there. He was going into his junior year.
I wrote to Virginia, but they just sent me
back an adn эп form. No one came
and watched me. Then 1 visited North
Carolina and 1 was happy with the atmo-
sphere, so I committed early.

PLAYBOY: Weren't you planning to play
baseball in college, too?

JORDAN: I wanted to, but I got talked out
of it. I still want to play basel
play Triple-A ball this summer
trying to talk to the people in Charlone
You know George Shinn, the guy who
owns the Charlotte Hornets? [Hornets
rs] Muggsy Bogues and Dell С
played for his minor-league basebail
ast summer. I told them I want to
y baseball. They don't believe me.
I'm serious. L may think about football,

Medical studies reveal...

The earlier you use Rogaine,
the better your _
chances of growing hair.

Rogaine is the only product ever
proven to grow hair, And studies
show that using it at the first signs
of hair loss gives you the best
chance that it will grow hair for you.

What are the early warning
signs of losing hair?

Everyone loses a little hair. Fifty to 80 hairs a day is
normal. If you're losing more than 100 hairs a day without
normal replacement, the first sign
will often be thinning of the
"crown" at the top of your scalp.
Scc your doctor when you first
notice it, because this small bald
spot can grow larger over time.

Two million men worldwide
have tried Rogaine. In yearlong
clinical tests conducted by derma-
tologists at 27 medical centers
nationwide, virtually half (48%)
ofthe men who tried Rogaine saw
at least moderate hair regrowth.
Thirty-six percent had minimal
regrowth and only 16% had no
regrowth.

Doctors also found that it usu-
ally takes 4 months or more
before you can begin to evaluate
your use of Rogaine. Side effects
were minimal: only 5% of the men
tested had itching of the scalp.

"I may not have grown any hair
after 6 months, but most of my
hair's stopped falling out. l'r
lad I got to the doctor fast.”
—Luis Silva, 20

"The first time I saw hair growing
was at about 8 months. 1 hadn't
Jost much.. bur [m not taking any
chances." — Tony Vila

TOPICAL
SOLUTION

“My hair's completely filled in. ft started growing inunder 2 months.
емак amazing! Early treament....it works!" —Jim Wilets, 30

Will Rogaine work for you?

Only a dermatologist or another
doctor who treats hair loss can tell
you, so see one soon. The sooner
you get your prescription for
Rogaine (which is now available in
an economical 3-pack), the sooner
you could be growing hair.

For an informative brochure and videotape, a list of
doctors in your area who can help you, and a certificate
worth $10 as an incentive to visit your doctor, call the
toll-free number below:

Send in the coupon or call
1800 753-5559 ext 674
for your $10 certificate. Soon.

[ru thisi
| Mr. Keith Barton, The Upjobn Company
PO Box 9040, Opa Locka, Florida 33054-9944

Dcar Mr. Barton: |
Please send me a free brochure and videotape, full of information on
how to treat my hair loss with Rogaine. And just to make sure don't |
forget to go to my doctor about my hair loss, please send me а list of
doctors who can help me and a certificate worth $10 as an incentive to |
эсе my doctor.

Name.

Addres:

City/State/Zip.

aine

minoxidil 2%

The only product proven to grow hair.

PLAYBOY

minoxidil 2%
The only product
ever proven to grow hair.

‘Wat la ROGAINE?
ROGAINE Topal Solution. discovered nd made by The Upjohn Company isa standardized topical (lor use опу on the
hr) pscnplion medication prove elecuv or ne lon term weatment ol mae palier balress ofthe crown эла т.
erstes or дие hat iss or inno o Ме renal areas ol he scaip.

"ROGAINE s Ir опу topical solution of mano! Minox! т fable! опт has been ist snce 1980 10 aver bloc
pressure. The use ol runoni abide i med t Valent сї pabent: wa severe high blood pressum: When a bigh
enough cose m abe orm s used o ewer blood pressure, certam eects that mera your atento may occut These
eects appear to De созе eate

Persons vàn use ROGAINE Topical Sobor have iw et ol absorption oi minoxidil. much owertanihatof persons
being rated wih mind fas or ig bod pressure Therefore. e ekhoog al а person using ROGAINE Topical
Swan ve develop һе slot: associated with immo авінх very Ella lad, поле о Реко elects have ben
Фу stile to ROGAINE in circa shes.

How scon can! expectresults trom using ROGAINE?

"Sues have showr tha Ihe response to reatnent with ROGAINE may vay wide,

Some patents receving ROGAINE may se laser results han mers. ers may respond with a slower ate ol har
(Growth ou should nal expect ibe growth n ss han 4 mer.

Mi respond to ROGAINE, what wilthe hair lock iibe?

Myou nave very litle атап respond o eatment yout rs Тан growth may beso dow, colorless har that sbarey
tle Hier urter treatment Ве new ha shout be he same color and Iuciness as he oer har on your scalp N yeu
lr with sarah Ihe new Har shoul! Бе сї De came olor and tucanes as Ie rest et your Nar
How long co i need to use ROGAINE?

ROGAINE в a beaten nota cur И you respond ctreamert, you wii need to continue ing ROGAINE to maman or
increase hau growin 1 yo do not begin stow a response to Weatinent wih ROGAINE эи a eascnablepenad l hen
(t least 4 mari or more}, your doclor may advise you b scontroevsirg ROGAINE
What happens iti stop using FOGAINE? Will! keep the new hair?

you stop using ROGAINE, you mil probably shed the new har nha а ew rios ae тордо veatment
What Is the dosage of ROGAINE?

You shout apply a ml dose of ROGAINE two limes a day once in the morning and once at night, betore became
Each botte shoul last tuu 20 days (1 month) Thr appicalrs ie cach package of ROGAINE are desinet о El yeu
эрру the comect amount d ROGAINE wih each application Резе refer fo Me Instructor fo Use
What fl miss e dore or forget io use ROGAINE?

Myou miss nor тип day aupiczbors I ROGAINE. yo sua restar your tce-tahappicavon ага retur 1o your
азый schedule. You should nol йет o make up for missed appicatons
Cant use ROGAINE more than twice a day? Мі it work faster?

Ао Studies by Ine Upotn Company have een Carly conducted to determine те correct anourt ol ROGAINE to use
to abtan the most satisfactory results: More frequent agcícabors or vse et larger doses (mee ran! mL twice aday) rave
Tol been shawn I speed up the preces ot аҥ growth ard may reae It posibity el side eects
What are the most common side electa reported п Clinical studies with ROGAINE?

‘Suis ої patenis veing ROGAINE have houen that не most common adverse tics urctyatebutabi е ROGAINE
торса Бойлоп were iching and oer skin mation ot Ре Veale area alte scalp Aboul 7 ol patenis had These
complaints

her эбе tic, асіп Sght-headedness dizziness, and headaches, were reported by pais vsng ROGAINE or
placebo ja sima sötion лод те ace medication)

Wet are some ui үе siue effects peuple have repur teu?

Tie frequency o! side ect sted below was эт excep for ermaolop reactions. 1 the groups using ROGAINE
am Respabry опи. upper respiratory nlecton sinusitis, Darmatilogr. tari or allergic coach
erratis, verema. hypermchess loca erytem, prunis dry skn/sraip aking. eraceibabon of hau lac акраса.
Gastrointestinal. durrhea. rausea. vomiting. Neurologic headache, tizzmess lampes liN-nesdedness.
Musculoskeletal aches back paa, tendis, Cardiovascular edema ches pam, Bec pressure ncreses/derrase,
atan, pulse at increases/ðecreases, Arge. nanspeil all eacions. hives, erg (hans acl swelug,
елуму: Special Senses COMUNES, tr CIA, vero, sua Cisturanes noun decreased sua! acu
Metbote Nutno! edema. wer бап Urinary Tract. шту act lectors seral calcul, reins. Genta Trac
rosa, endidys, sexual dystuncion. Psj-hahic any, depressor, інше Hematologic. nphadercpalby
romberytopera £rdocnolege

асуга who are ypersessitne to minadi. propylene gycol or tino! must not ise ROGAINE

FFOGAINE Topical Энди comans dto. wich could cause bung or tato lees. mous membranes or
sensitive she мез И ROGAINE accidentally gets inte hese amas, bathe the area wih large amounts of coc lap water
Contact your босо ı inanon persists.

What are the posible side eflecta that could aHect the hear! and circulation when using ROGAINE?

Als запа sie elects have nd been atibued to ROGAINE ir cucal sudes. Mere a possibilty na they.
сои occur because ге acie ingredient im ROGAINE Topical SOR s Ihe Запе s i ramon abies

noma ble re used o мед туп оой pressure Mns tablets ow bao pressure by ннер the eres a
efect савд vasca. Vascólaton leads fo тепп ol ud and creased hear rale Tre fotowng elects have
cre v some patents tahing плом tablets tor high blood pressure

creased hear alt Some parts have reported - a resting hear rate creased ву more than 20 beats per mute
тара март gam ot more an з peuncs or sweting (edema) o ne face, ranas ames, or stomach aea, бду т
мей; esoecally when ying down. a resul lan increase un ody lle or around e heart: worsening ol. or new
onset of angna petons

her ROGAINE Topera Soltion к sed on normal san. мну lie mingeid absorbed. and the porsia ecc
tritt mum labets are nd expected wi Ie ust ol ROGAINE W however. you experence any o the possible
‘Soe efte Iso disco vse of ROGAINE ага consul you doctor Presumably such els would be mus net
‘reer sbsompwon ocrured, ер. because ROGAINE was used on tamiget от elfamed sun г i realer Wan recon
Menec amounts

ln animal иб пипай in deses ihe than wei be obtained hom Юр vse n pogle has caused ungoriant
heart suche damage Ts knd ot garage has rot ben seen п humans gen nos 200 10 Pagh blood pressure
зі есм doses
‘What factors may increase the risk of serious side affects wilh ROGAINE?

TrOvidils wth known or Suspeced ucdelyin coronary arery disease or Ihe presence o or predspositon le heart
иис would beat ритсиш nk й syalanc effect (ha c. nereaed fea ae or ud rtenton) of rox wore o
occur. Prysians and pañerás wih hese nds of underlying diseases, shouldbe conscious of he polertal ns at
чеатен ley chocse w ust ROGAINE

ROGAINE shout be apple only lo ге сар and shouid not be used on otter parts ol Ie boy because absorguon ol
miran may be creased anc the nskol se ейес may become enter. You should nal use ROGAINE V your сар
Becomes ted си sunbured. and you should nol use t aleng win ether topea! rent medialon onyou sca
Can individuais with high blood pressure use ROGAINE?

Irdvétale wi hypertension, inching those under talent wih antihypertensive agents. can use ROGAINE bat
should зе rendered closely by Ier cotter Parte Long guanethidine for Mgh blend pressure sheud mol use
ROGAINE
‘Should any precautions be tolowed

‘Individuais usang ROGAINE should bemontored by thei ginsician mort alter starling ROGAINE 200 at ast every
monis eeaer Oscontnue ROGAINE 1 systern effects occur

Do net use 1 п conjunction wir ofher topical agents such as career, retos. pratum or agents tat
enhancepercutaneousabserlar. ROGAINE в forlopical use ону Each lie: cota 20 тутин. ancaccderal
жеен с) cause adverse systemic efect

No carcinogenicity was lund wi lopcal appication ROGAINE should nol be used by pregnant women or by nursing
mothers. The elects on labor and delnery re rol known Eficac] n postmenopausal women has nel been Studd

(disc use Sal and ellecnueness Pave па beta established under ag 1b

Gruter Federal law prtibis dispensing mihou а prescpion You must see а doctor o receve a prescriphon

| Upjohn | DERMATOLOGY
DIVISION
The Upjohn Company

01992 The Upichn Company Kalamazoo, МІ 49001 USA — USI-5497.00 January1992

too. I ain't going across the middle,
though. ГЇЇ do down and out.

PLAYBOY: If you made а run at baseball,
what position would you play?

JORDAN: Well, I used to be a pitcher. But
Га probably throw my arm out just
learning all the different things. I'd
much rather пу to start out in the
outfield or first base. I'm going to do it.
But I would never want just to step right
into the majors. Players would get pissed
ar me. І don't want that animosity. I want
10 start off low and work my way up.
PLAYBOY: You have had four pro coaches
you like to play for the most?
Who was best for me? Kevin
Loughery

PLAYBOY: Why?

JORDAN: He gave me the confidence to
play on his level. My first year, he threw
me the ball and said, “Hey, kid, I know
you can play. Go play” I don't think that
would have been the case going through
another coach's system. Look what
Loughery's doing right now with Miami
He's doing exactly what he did to me.
He's giving those guys so much con-
fidence, he's giving them an opportunity
10 create their own identity as players.
With other coaches, you have to fit into
their systems.

PLAYBOY: Even Doug Collins?

JORDAN: No, I just felt Doug would have
tried to manipulate me. For that sense of
control, power. ] saw that with the way
he dealt with Pippen and Grant. I would
have been able to deal with it because I
respect all my coaches. But Loughery
never tried to do that. 1 could relate with
him as a friend.

PLAYBOY: What about Phil Jackson as a
coach?

JORDAN: Phil's a good coach. He has
some Dean Smith credentials out there.
He's relaxed, he's knowledgeable. He's a
philosopher about everything. He be-
lleves in sharing the wealth among ev-
eryone, yet he believes in not trying to
overshadow his team.

PLAYBOY: The Portland Trail Blazers had
a shot at drafüng you. How would that
have changed your life?

I wouldn't have had all this op-
y from a business and financial

PLAYBOY: Would your life have been any
easier?

JORDAN: No, this has gone exactly the
y I wanted it to. Portland already had
Clyde Drexler, so it would have been
dumb for me to go there.

PLAYBOY: Did your succ:
prise you?

JORDAN: Yeah, that was something. First
I thought it was a fad. But it's far greater
now than it used to be. The numbers are
just outrageous.

PLAYBOY: When did you real
ting into the business end of it?
JORDAN: Four у;
PLAYBOY: Not until then?
JORDAN: In my first four y

with Nike sur-

start get-

s, 1 just

For Serious Drivers Only

The professional choice in radar detection
is now available to you.

As a driving enthus

you need Passport Classic 2700 is a com

a radar detector that can go the
distance. And Passport Classic 2700
does just that.

Passport Classic 2700 was origi-
nally designed for professional driv-
ers — people who need 2 detector
tough enough to handle long hours
of use and constant road vibration.
Plus powerful enough to provide
unbeatable detection performance.

We took the performance of our
award-winning Passport (rated +1 by
five leading automotive magazines)
and combined it with the most strin-
gent quality standards available. It
now meets or exceeds military specs
on such performance variables as
vibration, humidity, temperature
extremes...even a four foot drop
onto concrete. And an independent
laboratory verifies that Passport
Classic 2700 can take the punishment.

We guarantee your satisfaction.
Each Passport Classic 2700 sold from.
the factory comes with a 30-day
money back guarantee so you can
test it where performance counts the
most — in your own car.

plete radar protection package:
+ Long range detection

+ Instant-on radar detection
Anti-falsing circuitry
Complete mounting system
Audible and visual alerts
Dark mode for discreet use at
night

Pocket-size convenience
Built to military specifications
Independent lab-tested

For the professional choice їп
radar protection, call us today.

To order, call toll-free7 days a week:
1-800-433-3487
Fax: 513-247-4820 Customer Service: 1-800-543-1608

Passport” Classic 2700 $169
Adi $495 for shipping, Ohio residents add 5.5% sales tax

For discounts, full product support and more,

ask about our new ЕзсогїРГи Club.

ESCORT
> Department 200752
5200 Fields-Ertel Road
Cincinnati, Ohio 45249

ESCORT.

The world's most advanced radar detectors.

SOLD DIRECT FROM OUR FACTORY TO YOU

PLAYBOY

I May Be The One.

i, Im Vickie
Smith, PLAYBOY s Miss
May, and I'm waiting to
hear from you right
now on your personal

HOTLINE to me. MISS MAY, VICKIE SMITH
Call the PLAYBOY HOTLINE today!

1:9007403311

53.00 per mite 18 yeas rd er
Special Features for this month:

PLAYMATES ON-THE-AIR
Marvelous Miss May and her special guest Playmates can't wait to connect with
you!

ALL NEW! PLAYMATE PERSONALS
Be the first to hear the Playmates’ very own “personal ad” for their perfect man!
Plus, get their tips on how to write your own perfect personal.

PLAYBOY ADVISOR CALL-IN & DATING SECRETS
Playmates field your questions with humorous advice and let you in on the
secrets that get results.

GIFT WRAP A PLAYMATE
FOR YOURSELF OR A FRIEND!

A Paymat you choose wil call vith her personal
WAKE-UP, BIRTHDAY, CONGRATULATIONS, or
BACHELOR PARTY greeting. . ‚interested?
Call Playboy's Playmate Wake-up Greeting Service?"
for an appointment!

Call 1-900-820-WAKE Today!

Only 52.00 а minute. 18 years and older.

11992 Playboy А prodct ol Playboy, 680 Norn Lake Shore Drive, Cncago, IL 60611. Serves not available o resdeis ol LA OR.

loved playing basketball and didn't wor-
ry about the money part of it. But I was

JORDAN: Tutored about financial things,
you know, monthly ledgers, where your
money comes from and where it goes.
My parents did a good job, too. Thi
well as ProServ, helped educate me
when I really didn't have the interest in
it. But it’s getting closer to the point
where I will step away from the game, so
I beter have a good handle on it
PLAYBOY: Do you want to have a certain
numb
you retire

JORDAN; Гуе provided for when I walk
away from the game, from Nike and all
the other outlets.

PLAYBOY: I heard about a Canadian com-
pany that wanted to pay you a ridiculous
amount of money to fly up for one day
JORDAN: Yeah, they wanted me to sign
autographs for a quarter of a million
dollars. The autograph stulf drives me
People are dangerou:
PLAYBOY: Didn't you almost get stam-
peded in Houston once?

JORDAN: There were four or five security
guards, five thousand. people had me
ärcled, and I was only supposed to be
signing for one hour. We got to ten min-
utes before I had to leave, and people
re wanting more autographs, so they
ted closing in on me. The tables were
ing and little kids were geting
pressed up front because the bigger peo-
ple were pushing from behind. The sc-
curity guards couldn't do anything. 1
finally got the security guards around
me and started pushing my way through
the crowd. I almost got killed getting out
of there. 1 haven't done any autograph
sessions since. Never again

PLAYBOY: Do you have other limits about
what you will and won't do for money?
JORDAN: My time is very important to
me. as well as being credible about what
I endorse. ТЕТ endorse McDonald's, I go
to McDonald's. If I endorse Wheaties,
1 eat Wheaties. If I endorse Gatorade,
I drink Gatorade. 1 have cases of
Gatorade, I love drinking Gatorade. I
inything that 1 don't actu-

r of millions in the bank when

don't endorse
ally use.
PLAYBOY: What have you turned down?
JORDAN: Iwo or three years ago Quaker
Oats came to me to endorse Van Kamp's
pork and beans—Beanee Weences, |
think it was called. You ever heard ol

in front of a camera and say I'll eat Bean-
ee Weenees? If I wanted to be a hard-
nosed busi I could have been in
a lot of deals, like the one with Johnson
Products. I had a deal with them for
their hair-care products. I had two or
three more years on that deal when 1
started losing my hair. So 1 forfeited the
deal. But if I had wanted to be greedy, 1

¡ess

Let me show you the excit

for “high rollers”
It's an exciting 3
day, 2 night VIP
vacation at the worldfamous Vegas World
Hotel and Casino on the fabulous “Strip.”

You will receive
over $1200 in cash
end casino action
upon arrival.

* A deluxe room for two for 3 days and 2 nights at Vegas
World Hotel and Casino, which offers every emenity you
would expect in a luxurious resort including cable TV.

INCASH

$1200.00

(as follows]

+ $200 CASH! Real U.S. currency to do with as you
wish.

* $200 TABLE ACTION — 200 one dollar chips to
gamble with as you wish. Each chip is good for
ONE PLAY, (win or lose), on all even money bets
for any table game (craps, blackjack, roulette,
etc.). That's 200 chances to win, and you may
wager from one to as many chips as you like on
each wager.

» $400 IN DOLLAR SLOT MACHINE ACTION good
оп all of our Jumbo. EU machines. Win up
to $12,500.00 on every pul

* FOUR $100 ENTRIES IN: бон MILLION DOLLAR
SLOT TOURNAMENT played every day. Maggie
Smith of Chesteriand, Ohio, was our last million
dollar winner!

+ FREE FINE GIFT from among those shown here.

* FOUR KENO PLAYS. Win up to $12,500.00 each.

+ SHOW TICKETS for two to TWO fabulous Las Vegas
‚shows to make your stay truly exciting.

+ SHOW RESERVATION SERVICE to all Las Vegas shows
— even the hard-to-get ones.

+ UNLIMITED DRINKS of your choice (valid In all casino
bars and lounges).

+ Two chances to win ONE MILLION DOLLARS
instantly—one of the world's largest jackpota.

= FREE GAMBLING GUIDE to assist you in playing the
various table games.

= A pair of genuine Vegas World dice.

= A deck of casino quality playing cards.

+ All winnings paid in CASH. Keep what you win.

+ You receive all of the above with no obligation to gam-
ble with any of your own money.

= No additional charges of any kind.

Fora limited, 7
you will p eus E e vd
below—guaranteed. Sel.

drawing upon arrival D сай
ping included.)

Sony Mnatran 13" calor TV;
Remote соты, on-acrean

display, pop-out speaker
2i

Tos патанае and sight

"mones. 14K еше pole

filed 18° chain. Total gem.
camis.

You'll stay at the famous
Vegas World Hotel-Casino
on Ше fabulous “Strip.”

SPECIAL MID-WEEK BONUS:

If you arrive on Sunday or Tuesday to avoid weekend
crowds, we'll give you a choice of an extra $100.00 In
Slot Action OR, if available, an extra night's accom-
modations absolutely free. Total 4 days and 3 nights.

EHE ar only ne
national press for building
America's tallsat (119 story)

tower that wil dominate the

Las Vegas Skylne forever.

Enjoy action, ertersinment,
exclement and

тшк еу, as oe ar В
of this VIP package.

tonsfor ты боон Ss
ton are extremely limited.

- 5

Offer Expires May 9, 1992

Accept your invitation now
by calling our toll tree number or fill out
and mail the coupon. A redeemable reser-
vation fee of $189 per person isrequired
For this fee, you will receive chips, scrip
and one of the valuable gifts shown
making your vacation virtually free.

WIN BIG. Jumbo Jackpot machines exclusively for
this VIP vacation peckege. JACKPOTS up to $12,500.

PRIVILEGES AND PROVISIONS
MONEY BACK GUARANTEE ~Hifor any reason you decide not

Sos Iit canno be шей on okay and пакт Fly

RESERVATIONS -Roschoduling of reservations must bo ro-
CaiedinoucfosFareuspdor орле тас n tma or his
‘offer and your reservation fee will Бе!

also completely transferable to anyone e a on

You may exchange any ewardectrea git for a subsiua gitas

Fiona ала any cre mutua expenses are not in-

Same and conditions may in по way be alar. So we may
adequately plan room and free gift avallabilty, you must act
before May 9, 1992.

FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO ORDER BY PHONE
2: 1-800-634-6301

| susce VEGAS OWORUD
| YES wish to take advantage of your Las Vegas VIP Vacation/Gift

opportunity. I have enclosed my reservation fee (check or
money order) for $398 for two pocplo, | understand ! have
unti January 15, 1994 to tako my vacation. and that during my stay, 1 will
receive all of the benefits listed. Limit one gift per couple. (Please make
check payable to: Vegas World Vacation Club)
Nail to: VEGAS WORLD Hotel-Casino
Dept. VC, 2000 Lao Vegas Alva. South, Las Vegas, NV 89104
Floaso read the "Prwvilegesand Provisions" ol your invitation thoroughly o make
the most of your vacation andto know exactly what you're entiledto receive.
Charge my [Visa [MasterCard []Diacover Cl American Express

дес. No.

Exp. Date,
Name

Address _— —

Cy _ ¿E

hone___ == A
wish io make my reservation for the following arrival date:

[t witi make my reservation at a later date,

Signature —
1030

| OFFER EXPIRES MIDNIGHT MAY 9, 1992 PB

PLAYBOY

could've said, Screw you, you didnt
know my hair was falling out so you owe
me money. But I didn't.
Your Gatorade ad raises a
hat do you like to be called?
They used to call me Mike in
ponds school, in high school. When
zot to college, everyone called me
Michael It was like a maturity thing.
When youre a little kid, they call you
Mike. Mike quit this, Mike quit that. As
you get older, Michael this and
Michael that. Now in the pros, it’s Air
this, Air that. Things change.
PLAYBOY: Once and for all, which is it:
Mike or Michael?
JORDAN: Mike.
PLAYBOY: Which individual games stand
out in your memory?
JORDAN: he sixty-nine-point game
against Cleveland stands out. The sixty-
three-point game at Boston stands out.
PLAYBOY: Do you ever watch any of them
on tape?
JORDAN: Not anymore. I used to. I really
don't watch myself play as much. I used
to about three or four ycars ago, just for
motivation. When I'd get home and I
didn’t have anything to do, I'd watch a
game, get myself ready and sometimes
even watch one before a game. If we're
gonna play Detroit, ГЇ watch a Detroit
game. One we won. 1 don't want to
watch a game we lost.
PLAYBOY: Did you watch that Boston
game a lot?
JORDAN: The sixty-three-point game?
No, I didn't. Because I always knew we'd
lose. Every time I'd watch it, we'd lose.
We should win. 1 don't watch that one.
PLAYBOY: When you get in the zone, like
you do in those games where you get
fifty or sixty, do you feel it coming on
that day, in the locker room, on the
bench?
JORDAN: No, | feel it when the game
starts. You just start getting on a roll. Ev-
erything that you do is working. You get
steals, your offensive game is working.
You just take control of it. You're in tune
with everything that’s going on. You
control the tempo, you control every-
thing. It's like you can do anything, you
can take your time, you say anything to
people, you seem to be just like you're
on a playground all by yourself.
PLAYBOY: Can you dictate it now? Can
you get yourself in the zone?
JORDAN: 1 get into it in pressure situa-
tions. Somehow you feel the pressure.
Either you do it now or you don't do it at
all and it starts to kick in. But to explain
it you'd have to be a psychologist.
PLAYBOY: Is basketball a refuge for you?
JORDAN: When I step onto the court, I
don't have to think about anything. If I
have a problem off the court, 1 find that
afier I play, my mind is clearer and Lean
come up with a better solution. It's like
therapy. It relaxcs mc and allows me to
solve problems
PLAYBOY: One constant in your carcer is

that when you are sick or hurt, you often
unload on somebody. Why?

JORDAN: | have an uncanny way of focus-
ing when I get hurt. I concentrate on
playing and not worrying about the in-
jury. I don't try to be aggressive or to let
the injury take me out of my game. I re-
lax and let the game come to me.
PLAYBOY: Do you have any superstitions?
JORDAN: | go through the same routine
before every game. I lace up my shoes in
a certain way. I wear my Carolina shorts
all the time. I wear new socks every
game, new shoes every game. And I al-
ways notice where my wife or my parents
are so I don't have to worry if they got in
an accident or didn't get the tickets or
whatever.

PLAYBOY: Where do you think you fit in
the game? Are you the best?

JORDAN: | can't ever say that I'm the
best. I think 1 play both ends and do
more than people perceive. I'm not just
an offensive player. I play both ends. 1
can pass, I think I can play defensively as
well as offensively. I don't think most
stars can say that they try to do that. You
can't say that I'm a one-dimensional

“How can I get a
new deal? Do I start
bitching? If it
happens, great. If
it doesn't, I was
screwed again."

player or a two-dimensional player.
PLAYBOY: If you had to put a team
around you, what's the one quality you'd
want?

JORDAN: Heart. That would be the
biggest thing. I think heart means a lot.
It separates the great from the good
players.

PLAYBOY: Aside from the shots, what else
do the great players have?

JORDAN: Mental toughness. When you
need a basket, you have to have the
confidence in yourself to go out there
and hit three great shots. You know you
have to do it. That drives me.

PLAYBOY: What's your all-time starting
Буе?

JORDAN: Ме and Magic, Віга, Worthy,
McHale or Malone, David Robinson or
Abdul-Jabbar.

PLAYBOY: And you can beat anyone ever?
JORDAN: 1 did this with Jerry Krause
once. He chose Oscar Robertson, Bill
Russell, Jerry West. At small forward he
had Dr. ]. The power forward was Gus
Johnson. I told him I'd kill hir. Of all
players, the all-time greats, he left off
Magic and he lefi off Bird, He was ex-

cluding me. He put West at two [shoot-
ing] guard
PLAYBOY: What if you couldn't pick your-
self?
JORDAN: I would put West at two, too.
PLAYBOY: You've never been the highest-
paid basketball player and probably nev-
er will be. Do you resent that?
JORDAN: Since I came into the league,
I've never griped about my contracts.
I've signed them and Гуе honored them
every year. If anybody stepped up and
wanted to give me a raise, I'd accept it.
But I'm not going to bitch about it, be-
cause I signed the contract. When
Patrick Ewing renegotiated his contract
last year, he had leverage. He had an op-
tion to get out of his contract. And he
was going to get the money no matter
what. If 1 play out my contract, I won't
be able to get another contract until five
years down the road. Who knew this was
going to happen three years ago when
we did my deal? No one could tell that
salaries were going to jump out of the
deck. Hot Rod Williams created a whole
salary outburst. When I signed my deal
for three-and-a-quarter million or what-
ever I make this year, I was in the top
three. Now three years later, you have
rookies coming out making two-and-a-
half or three million, so they're pushing
the salaries up. How can 1 get a new
deal? Do I start bitching? Do I go and
gripe to the press saying I deserve more?
Everybody knows I deserve more mon-
су, but I actually signed the contract. If
my boss decides to give me a raise, great.
But bitching is not fair. I've always con-
sidered myself a fair person. You guys in
the press can put the pressure on him.
1 won't 1 hope Reinsdorf is thinking
about it. If it happens, great. If it doesn't,
then I was screwed again. Am I upset
about it? No.
PLAYBOY: Is there anything you do on
the basketball court that still surprises
you?
JORDAN: | basically expect. anything.
Isn't that wild? I used to surprise myself
a lot: certain moves, how Га get out of
trouble. But at some point, you accept
the talent that you have, you accept your
creativi
PLAYBOY: Are you going to need some
other creative outlet when you retire?
JORDAN: Golf could do that for me. Be-
cause you've got to create shots in cer-
tain situations. And the competition is al-
ways going to be there. I think it's even
greater in golf because you know your
opponent is always consistent: You know
the course is going to shoot par every
day. You always wonder, espe
profession, what it would be like if T had
to play against myself in a one-on-one
game. Well, golf is that way because you
compete against yourself in a mental
way. That's the challenge.
PLAYBOY: How close are you to the end of
your basketball career?

(concluded on page 164)

LOOK FOR A WEDGE AND A SPLASH,
AND FIND THE HIDDEN PLEASURE
IN REFRESHING SEAGRAM'S GIN.

Got it?
Now head for .
the 19th hole.

о 19) знае gm ST Sun o Rez Srt Fer Ak т үнө (Pad)

article by ELIZABETH ROYTE

A MORALITY PLAY IN WHICH | \ Tt Ё
ONE OF THE BEST GUYS

ma COMPANY
Of
EEE

N A SUNNY spring morning in central

Utah, Peter Stamatakis sits astride his

roan gelding and fumes. “Did you

get that cat yet?” the rancher shouts
at Don McNulty, who has four-wheeled to the top
of this mountain range to find and kill a mountain
lion. "I lost another two last night."

"That brings to 31 the number of lambs Sta-
matakis has lost in two weeks. McNulty, the gov-
ernment's hired gun, is waiting with a walkie-
talkie while a friend and his four hounds track
the predator over ridges, across bottoms and up
thickly wooded slopes. Stamatakis wants all wild-
life off his land. He's trying to make a living here,
he barks, and the government, the coyotes and
the environmentalists are urying to ruin him.
"How would you like it if we let loose lions in New
York City?” he roars in my direction, emotion
contorting his face.

McNulty, like everyone else hereabouts, has
had his differences with Stamatakis. To the ranch-
er, predator control is a black-and-white issue:
Anyone who admits shades of gray is plain wrong.
But McNulty, who works for the Animal Dam-
age Control program of the Department of
Agriculture, views predators with a mix of rever-
ence and realism. He has no problem with preda-
tors that prey only on other wild animals. 105

ILLUSTRATION BY BRALDT BRALDS

PLAYBOY

when predators invade man's turf,
when they leave their natural order to
prey on domesticated animals, that he
becomes far less civil. Then he turns
predator himself.

A voice crackles over the walkie-
talkie: “We're on a hot track down in
Fork Canyon," it says, and five minutes
later, "We got her" McNulty grabs
his rifle and we start down the steep
mountainside, tumbling over sage-
brush, rocks, through prickly oakbrush
and down to the shady bottom. Two
hours and several mountain ridges
ago, the furiously sniffing strike dogs,
Maggie and Jake. had picked up the
scent. Then Lefty and Rowdy, faster
animals, were unleashed. As the scent
became hotter, they lifted their noses
and ran, lined out, till the lion was
spotted and treed.

McNulty and 1 arrive to find the
hounds circled around a pine and bay-
ing loudly. Twenty feet up, a tawny-
brown cat stretches languidly between
two branches. She seems unconcerned;
after all, her stealth and speed have
served her well in every situation be-
fore this one. McNulty, too, is calm. He
kneels on the hillside, aims and fires.
"The cat springs from the tree, bounds
ten feet and drops to the ground, dead.
A lithe-looking six-footer, she weighs
about 90 pounds.

McNulty spends all of a minute con-
templating the mountain lion’s splen-
dor, then gets to work with his knife.
He finds sheep wool in her stomach
and intestines. He makes long slices
down each of her limbs and down her
stomach, snaps each leg bone near the
ankle and pulls the entire pelt neatly
over the animal's head, as if it were a
turtleneck. With his rifle slung over his
arm and the bloody fur draped over
his shoulders, he gives the muscled car-
cass one final glance. "That won't be
here for long,” he says and starts up-
hill. It's an hour's steep hike in the sun
to carry the heavy, blood-soaked load
back to the truck.

McNulty's life is nomadic, his work
all-consuming. His pick-up truck re-
veals more about his life than any job
description ever could. The rig con-
tains a stall for his horse, boxes for his
hunting dogs, penicillin for when they
get bitten by coyotes, hemostats for
when they run into porcupines, lockers
containing 30 offset leg-hold traps, a
dozen cyanide capsules, wire snares
and bottles of potions he hopes will at-
tract varmints to his sets. Inside the
cab, a 6mm high-powered Ackley im-
proved rifle, with a 6x24 target scope
and a custom-built walnut stock, hangs
in a sling over his head. A Ruger
.22/250 is stowed behind the seat and a
Browning Auto Five 12-gauge shotgun

rides under the seat. A pair of spurs
dangles from the gear shift. Within
reach are a two-way radio, a coyote-
howling siren, binoculars, a large ther-
mos of coffee, two storage cases filled
with rimfire cartridges, several open-
reed calling devices, one Patsy Cline
tape and the usual mess of chewing
gum that accompanies long-distance
travel.

McNulty spends long days on the
road and short nights in a portable
trailer, which he calls a camp. Viewed
from its flat back, the trailer's rounded
dome and squarish platform resemble
a cross section of a muffin. It contains a
small propane heater, two burners, a
few cupboards and a shelf. A four-foot-
tall calendar with a pinup girl is stuck
to the curved ceiling over McNulty's
bed. He uses the camp when he has
several days’ work far from a town or
during the summer season in the
mountains. Otherwise, McNulty is a
fixture at such truck-stop palaces as the
Rodeway Inn in Green River, Utah.

The Rodeway and its female support
staff are to McNulty what a steady
drinking buddy is to the rest of us. In
Donna and Fay and Claire, McNulty
has found a constituency for his half-
assed jokes, his self-deprecating macho
swagger. Although they've seen him do
it a dozen times before, they pretend
disgust when he dumps salt and Tabas-
co into his Budweiser. On a typical
night, Donna, a sweet-voiced woman
with long, permed hair, invites him
over to her place after her shift. "My
husband and the boys are pouring ce-
ment tonight," she tells him, hopefully.
“We could get some beers and watch.”

McNulty is something of a hero to
any rancher within 30,000 square miles
who's ever had a problem with a coy-
ote—in other words, to just about all
of them. Ranchers are notorious for
poor-mouthing the state of their oper-
ations, but to hear them tell it, Don
McNulty is just about the only thing
that stands between them and the un-
employment line. The cowboys wave
to McNulty on the highway and make
room for him in their booths at the
greasy spoon, where they shovel eggs
with catsup and talk about tight-
bagged cows, stillborn lambs and
trucks that get stuck in the mud.

The ranchers trust McNulty. They
give him the combinations to their
gates, the keys to Quonset huts. The
trapper tells me, with evident pride,
that Donna's mother, Fay, who works at
the Rodeway's front desk, offered to
lend him $20 his first week on the job.
She trusted him, he says, because he
works for the government and, like
a rainmaker in a drought or a lawman
in a wild town, he came to help the
people.

At a few minutes past five on a still-
black morning, McNulty exits the
Rodeway Inn, throws his coat in the
truck and samples the 38-degree air.
He has it in mind to shoot coyotes to-
day and things don't look good:
There's too much wind. If the varmints
catch his scent, he doesn't have a
chance.

McNulty is an affable mustachioed
man with forearms the size of hams.
He looks considerably younger than
his 41 years, most of them spent in the
trapping and hunting business.

He grew up on a caule ranch in Ne-
braska, dreaming of becoming a state
trooper, ofthe day he could "drive fast
and carry a gun." As a teenager, he be-
gan setting his grandfather's steel traps
around the ranch, not to stop preda-
tion or to sell pelts as he would in later
years, but simply for the challenge. He
mostly caught birds. At the age of 15,
he set six traps around a dead hog and
caught one magpie. He left five of the
traps set and placed the magpie on top
of the hog. When he returned the next
day, he found a coyote hopping in one
trap, the magpie reduced to a pile of
feathers. “That was my first coyote,"
McNulty says, grinning at the memory.
“1 thought this was primo. I really
started going crazy then, setting traps
everywhere.”

After high school, McNulty pulled a
stint in the Marines, enrolled in college
and worked as a ranch foreman. Seven
years ago, he applied for a position
with ADC in Utah and beat out 47 ap-
plicants. He believes it was his coyote
howl, which echoed through the Agri-
culture building and startled secre-
taries, that clinched the job.

On this morning, he sets off across
the flat highways of eastern Utah's
Book Cliffs region. Yesterday, a ranch-
er named Butch Jensen discovered two
calves with chewed-up tails—a possible
sign of coyote predation—and a third
one is missing and presumed dead. In
response, McNulty rose before dawn
and pointed his truck east.

As the sun rises behind the La Sal
Mountains, the desert slowly takes on
depth and color. Rocky benches rise
like craggy sand castles, reddish and
dusty. On either side of the highway,
the desert floor rolls endlessly away to
the horizon, broken only by grease-
wood, sage and innumerable dry wash-
es. Eighty miles of this and we arrive
at Jensen's calving pasture, where
McNulty switches his white cowboy hat
for a camouflage cap and takes the
Ackley from its sling. As we walk along,
McNulty examines the red soil, dried
into hexagonal shapes like terra-cotta

(continued on page 155)

“A man gets tired of rats!”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

ITH THE POISE befitting a former Miss America,
Elizabeth Ward Gracen sits patiently in her chair, wait-
ing good-naturedly for the Big Question. She has been
asked the Big Question a lot recently —hundreds of
times, according to her manager's rough estimate—and
so far she's avoided giving an answer. But that never
stops anyone from asking. “It’s been an interesting two
or three weeks for me,” she admits, showing a gift for
understatement. Three weeks earlier, Elizabeth awoke to
find herself the subject of a banner headline in a tabloid.
DEMS" FRONT-RUNNER BILL CLINTON CHEATED WITH MISS AMER-
Ica, announced the Star, quoting from a lawsuit against
Clinton filed by a disgruntled state employee. The law-
suit, which alleged that Clinton spent state funds to wine
and dine five extramarital partners, was dropped only
days after the Star appeared, but Elizabeth's life has
been a maelstrom ever since. "It's not just the tabloids
approaching me, it's everyone: friends, family. Pve had
to deal with all these people and that's been difficult,"
says Elizabeth, who was Miss Arkansas and Miss America
in 1982. "What's unfortunate is that a lot of my friends
have been put in awkward positions to try to find out
information. All the tabloids are in Arkansas waving
money in everybody's face. Ten thousand dollars for a
phone number, sixty thousand for an address. I told my
friends, ‘Look, give them my number for ten thousand

НЕКЕ SHE 15...

elizabeth мага gracen, miss america 1982, moves back into the spotlight

dollars—I can always change it." The tabloids may have
her phone number, but they've yet to get anything else,
despite cash offers as high as $500,000. “I know Bill
Clinton,” she admits. “I haven't seen him in years. I
know his wife, Hillary. I’ve met their daughter. I don't

“Who is that fat-faced girl in the pictures?” jokes Elizabeth, as
she looks at photos taken during her reign as Miss America
1982. “I'm so distanced from it. It seems like a blur. It's such an
adrenaline rush to have your name announced in front of
twelve thousand people, and then you realize everyone is
watching on television. 1 had no idea what was in store for me.
It was very exciling but very frightening at the same time.”

Elizabeth hos соте а lang way fram
her days as a squeaky-clean beauty
queen. "| usually don't tell anyone
1 wos Miss America,” she admits.
"People have such preconceived no-

tions.” But with these pictures, she F

says, "I want to make а splash.”

know them very well. Arkansas is a
small place, and any celebrities from
there are going to meet one another
at various celebrations and festivals.

“I feel the way Bill Clinton does —
it's his personal life. He and Hillary
are on the right track. 1 honestly
think there are a lot more important
issues in a Presidential campaign
than a man's fidelity,” she says firmly.
And as for the Big Question, this is
all she'll say for the moment: “Basi-
cally, what the tabloids are asking
is, Have I slept with this person? I
don't believe that’s anyone's busi-
ness. I have certain boundaries about
what I choose to reveal about myself,
and I respect other people's boun
aries as well.”

ennifer Flowers, one of the other
women named in the lawsuit, appar-
ently did not feel similar constraints.
She sold the story of her purported
affair with Clinton to the Star and
even played tapes of conversations
with the governor. “I feel sorry for
Gennifer Flowers,” says Elizabeth. “I
don’t know her from Adam, She
could be a bad person, 11 know,
but from what I saw, she handled
that press conference very well. She's
in an awkward position.”

As Elizabeth would be the first to
tell you, just being in the Star is awk-
ward. Since she gave the tabloid no
real information, it was forced to rely
on its creativity, telling readers that
Elizabeth—back in her days as Miss
America—had four hobbies: hog call-
ing, woodchopping, auto mechanics

and lifting weights. While she'll let
the Star say what it wishes about her
sex life, Elizabeth wants to set the
record straight about those hobbies:
“Гуе never had hogs, I've never
chopped wood, I've never fixed a car
and I didn't lift weights then, but I
do now." That has not stopped her
friends from giving her grief. "One
brought me a clipping that says,
DEMOCRATIC HOPEFUL HAD AFFAIR WITH
HOG-CALLING BEAUTY QUEEN. All my
friends were yelling ‘Sooie! Sooie!"
for days on end.”

Elizabeth can laugh about hog call-
ing, but she turns serious when talk-
ing about the people who attempt to
manipulate her into saying things
she doesn't want to say. And she's
worried that the Clinton rumors will
cause her Playboy pictorial to be mis-
interpreted.

“1 agreed to do Playboy last year,

but now it looks as if I’m trying to
exploit something that did or didn’t
happen," she says. It's true—her pic-
torial was shot well before the Clin-
ton scandal broke. "Here I am, the
girl they are talking about, and I
could say until I’m blue in the face
that this isn't the way I planned it,
but people are going to believe what
they want to believe."

What Elizabeth hoped to accom-
plish by posing for Playboy was to
give her acting career a boost. “I'm
usually very busy,” she says. “I'm
what they call castable—I'm a good
type.” Since moving to Los Angeles
in 1987, she has landed roles in
Steven Seagal’s movie Marked for
Death and the recent video release
Lower Level, as well as in TV's
Matlock, The Flash, The Death of the
Hulk with Bill Bixby and a mov-
ie of (text continued on page 147)

fiction

i was in an almost impossible state of lust.

all i wanted, the only thing that could

cure me, was to get laid over and over again

HERESAN OLD tantric idea that.
excessive indulgence in sex
can take you to the other side
and free you of a need for it.
Ithought I was going to have
a chance to test that theory. I
could see opportunity loom-
ing on the horizon in India,
of all places. Yes, I was off to holi-
day in India, the place where
tantric sex began.

Meg had a great idea to import
Kashmiri rugs and sell them at
one ofthe New York City flea mar-
kets. She had borrowed enough
money from her father to pay for
two round-trip tickets and to buy
the rugs. I had saved money from
unemployment and my furniture-
moving job. So we were off.

I had heard there was a new
guru in India with a huge follow-
ing of Westerners. His name was
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh and
word had it that he advocated you
could get over your constant need
for sex and move on to greater
spiritual realms only by having so
much sex that you got sick of it.
His theory, or at least the way it
came down to me, was that be-
cause sex had been forbidden by

Our puritanical parents, we all
thought—as I did—that sex was
what we wanted more than any-
thing else in the world. Until we
got past that, we would never
grow up; we would never pass on
to larger issues of commitment
and meaningful labor. And best of
all, what the Bhagwan prescribed
for getting through these sexual
hang-ups was doing it. Doing a lot
ofit. He preached a kind of home-
opathic sex cure, fucking your way
to rhe other side. And if there was
anything I needed a cure from,
it was from those compulsive
thoughts about sex. All I wanted
was to get laid over and over again
with a stranger. 1 had the notion
that pure, isolated, uncomplicat-
ed, nonintegrated sex could cure
me. Sex with Meg was best for me
when I could manage to turn her
into a stranger through fantasy,
and that was getting more and
more difficult. So I wanted to keep
Meg as a comfortable friend and
explore the rivers of anonymous
Dionysian sex; that was my idea.
I had to go to that island of li-
centiousness, that bastion of free
love right in the middle of the

ILLUSTRATION BY JIM SPANFELLER.

PLAYBOY

town in India, Poona. 1 was sure the
Bhagwan had a great sense of humor
and had decided to locate his free-love
ashram there just for the turn-on of
that name: Poona. Can you imagine
pooning in Poona? Just saying it gave
me an erection.

In the States, one would be put
down for an interest in tantric sex
practices by being called a swinger. But.
in India, you could get away with what
would be considered crass swapping
back home. In India, you could in-
dulge your wildest needs with the fan-
tasy that you were a tantric monk in
search of a female surrogate with
whom to unite your cosmic polar oppo-
sites. I admit, this vague tantric idea
was perhaps just an excuse for me to
become a rhythm pig, a naked animal
coupled with another naked animal,
with some faint notion that we could in
the end return to being our respectful,
independent human selves. I'm sure
this was the concept of most swingers”
clubs, and Rajneesh's ashram in Poona
appeared to be a swingers' dub for the
spiritually minded. It attracted a cer-
tain class of people who felt it was too
tacky to swing in New Jersey. They had
to go to India for spiritual validation.
"That was my cynical view of it at the
time, anyway. Nevertheless, I was grav-
itating toward Poona. If I lived only
once (not an Indian concept), I had to
try it. Meg just said, "Do what you have
to, Brewster. I'm going to Bombay and
then I'm going to Kashmir to buy
rugs." Then she added with a smirk,
"Something disease-free and lasting."

It was hot, very hot, when I arrived.
"There was no more room for people to
stay in the ashram, so I checked into
the first hotel 1 could find. It was a
humble little place called the Ritz and it
served mainly vegetarian food. Some
of Rajneesh's followers, or sannyasis,
were also staying there. You could im-
mediately tell who they were by their
long, flowing orange robes and the
mala with the black-and-white photo of
Rajneesh hanging around their necks.

I was told by one of them, a German,
that there were about 4000 people
spread out all over Poona who'd come
to be with the Bhagwan. I was a little
taken aback. Not only did I hate or-
ange but I also hated crowds. I got lost
in them and always felt like a statistic
rather than a person.

I went to bed early and I got up ear-
ly and headed down to the ashram
while it was still dark. It was a short
walk from my hotel and easy to find.
Over a large ornate wooden gate was a
big sign that read SHREE RAJNEESH
ASHRAM. There was an Indian gate-
keeper who looked like he'd been up
all night. He was stretched out in his

chair, half asleep, with an empty boule
of wine beside him and a copy of People
magazine open on his lap. He directed
me to the dynamic meditation pavilion
with a loose hand gesture. “Oh, yes,
you will go just so straight ahead and
then when the sun rises, you will hear
the music,” he said with a thick Indian
accent, his head bobbing back and
forth as if he were actually telling me,
"No, don't go.”

I walked until I found the cement
pavilion. It was a large green area with
a stone floor and a green opaque plas-
tic roof covering it. 1 squatted with my
back against the cool cement wall and
waited. Then the sun slowly began to
come up and the music began. It was
emanating from huge rock-concert
speakers and sounded like a combina-
tion of Indian spiritual ragas and disco.
It was almost too sexy for that hour of
the day.

As the music got louder, the pavilion
began to fill up with lithe young peo-
ple, all dressed in orange robes, com-
ing from every direction. As they en-
tered, they would immediately wrap
orange bandannas around their eyes
or put on orange sleep masks like the
black ones you get in first class on the
airlines. Then they'd begin to swing
and sway. Soon the pavilion was packed
with these beautiful lithe men and
women all swaying in the most lan-
T Reid sexy way. No one had any un-

lerwear on. I could see hints of every-
thing through their orange robes. I
could see pubic hair and breasts and
the way the men were hung. And there
T was, trying to dance in beige pajamas
with underwear on. I was the only one
without an orange robe and a blindfold
and I couldn't stop looking. I'd never
seen such a collection of beautiful peo-
ple in one place before.

It was the most sensual dancing I'd
ever seen and I felt completely under-
mined by it. I think I would have felt
better if I had been in a room filled
with people in wheelchairs. I was too
much in my eyes and head again and I
felt awful. Í longed for the safety of my
familiar relationship with Meg.

After the dynamic meditation dance
was over, people filed out for breakfast
at the cafeteria and I followed along,
feeling even more alienated because no
one around me was speaking English,
only German. Also, it was starting to
get really hot.

After breakfast, there was a brief
break where people hung out and
spoke German and then it was time to
line up to go hear the Bhagwan speak.
I got swept into the crowd, but I didn't
panic at the thought of disappearing. I
was able to remember who I was
cause 1 was the only one not dressed in
orange.

We were ushered down a narrow
passageway into a large open tent that
faced an empty stage. After everyone
got settled (I'd say there must have
been close to 2000 people, all orange as
far as the eye could see), there was a
long silence followed by a small com-
motion of whispering, which was fol-
lowed by an announcement over the
PA. system. The voice that came out
over the system was smooth and hyp-
notic and had an Australian accent:
“Would whoever is wearing the per-
fume or scented soap please remove
themselves from the gathering.” There
was a silence and no one moved. Then
everyone started looking around and
whispering again. Soon five or six
young men, all with beards, started up
the aisles, bending over now and then
to do what I can describe only as
sniffing. They would lower their faces
close to people's heads, take a sniff and
then move on.

I could not contain my curiosity any
longer, so I asked the young blonde
woman next to me what was going on.
She told me, in a thick Dutch accent,
that the Bhagwan is very sensitive to all
smells and that the strong smell of any
perfume could cause him to leave his
body. I was not sure what she meant by
“leave his body." I wasn't sure if she
meant die or astral project or what, but
betore 1 could ask, 1 saw one ot the lan-
guid sniffers discover the scented cul-
prit and lead her out of the tent. As this
happened, the whole atmosphere got
very concentrated and charged. The
focus of energy was enormous as two
bearded orange men brought out a
great white V.I.P. executive's chair. АЁ
ter the chair was set and the two men
were standing on either side of it, the
Bhagwan swept out in his white robes,
the only one besides me not dressed in
orange, and sat. As soon as he was in
his chair, I thought, Yes, the perfect gu-
ru. He was like Kennedy, the perfect
President. He had the charisma. He
had the aura. He had the look. He was
a tall man with a balding head, long
hair on the sides and a flowing white
beard. His face was open and expres-
sive, but his eyes were the thing. 1 had
never seen eyes like them. His eyes
were anything and everything you
wanted to read into them.

He was silent for a while, sitting
there, taking in his devoted audience.
Then, placing his hands in prayer posi-
tion under his chin, he began to speak.
And what he said was even more
threatening to me than watching all
those orange people do their sexy
dance.

“You are not asleep. You have chosen

(continued on page 148)

РРР
"Don't let й get away!”

HRUGGING OFF the worst sales year in decades, two au-
tomakers have come out swinging with a pair of de-
cidedly different sports cars. Mazda's new RX-7 sports
coupe is like a scalpel, while Dodge's Viper RT/10
roadster closely resembles a sledgehammer. Each is artfully
styled, blindingly fast and a kick to drive. The aerodynamic
$32,000 Mazda sports coupe appears more contemporary,
with a high-revving, sequential-twin turbocharged engine.
In contrast, the no-frills Viper (at nearly twice the RX-7's
price) seems a retro-tech effort: an unabashed reincarnation
of the Shelby Cobra. But don't be fooled. Mazda's RX-7 has
the latest version of a rotary engine that’s been around for
decades and the Viper is not as retro as it looks—its swoop-
ing body (pictured overleaf) is made of composite materials
that are 40 percent lighter than comparable sheet-metal
panels. The new RX-7 is 200 pounds lighter and substantial-
ly more powerful than its predecessors. It's also nearly 700
pounds lighter than the Nissan 300ZX and about 1000
pounds less than the Mitsubishi 3000GT VRA4. A lightweight
sports car, of course. rewards its driver with quick steering
and nimble handling. Even better, it requires less horsepow-
er and, consequently, less fuel. Although the RX-7's 255-hp
rating is hardly shabby, it's well below that of most of its com-
petitors. Yet the 2800-pound RX-7 will surge from zero to 60
miles per hour in just 4.9 seconds, topping out at 156 mph.
Dodge's 165-mph Viper weighs about 3400 pounds. Its mas-
sive alloy V-10 engine, which develops 400 hp, compensates
very nicely for the heft. In the Viper, you can accelerate from
zero to 100, slam on the brakes and return to zero in just
14.5 seconds. That's faster than any car currently in produc-
tion, even the legendary 427 Cobra. No large, multilayered
automaker could effectively build a limited-volume car like
the Viper. So Chrysler established a small team, really a com-
pany within a company, to do the job. Team Viper's philoso-
phy is “minimum frills, maximum thrills.” The Viper is a
modern interpretation of a bare-bones, long-hood/short-
deck roadster, complete with raucous side exhaust pipes.
Cat's-eye ellipsoidal headlamps and an integrated roll bar
are modern concessions. (Air conditioning is a dealer-in-
stalled option. And, yes, the Viper comes with a top and side
curtains.)
Behind the wheel, the two cars are dramatically different.
You wear the RX-7 the way you would an Italian suit. The
cockpit is snug, the steering wheel is artfully positioned and

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD ZUI

PLAYBOY'S
AUTOMOTIVE
REPORT 2227

sports cars. plus
a look at the top
automakers—
who's on track
and who's not

article by

KENGROSS

Mazda's $32,000 RX-7 resembles a stiletto on wheels.
Thanks to its powerful rotary engine, the 156-mph sports
car comes within a whisker of the Viper's performance—
and needs just 255 horsepower to do it. The secret: Mazda's
engineers sliced off every ounce of unnecessary weight
and wrapped the car in a sleek, aerodynamic skin. High
Performance and Touring versions are available; the later
boasts an impressive Bose acoustic-wave music system.

the bucket seats are supportive. There's a stubby, race-in-
spired short-throw gear lever close at hand. You'll need it.
You have to flick the crisp five-speed shifter a lot to get the
best out of this car. Its rotary engine redlines at 7500 rpm.
With the sequential-twin turbos, there's almost no turbo lag.
The first turbocharger is engaged at low speeds. The second
turbocharger also begins to spin and then cuts in smoothly at

higher speeds when maximum (tex! continued on page 136)

Dodge's brutish, six-speed, 400-horsepower Viper will humble
even mighty Corvettes ond Ferraris. The 488-cubic-inch, V-10
roadster wos modeled after a 1989 Chrysler show car, which, in
turn, was inspired by the Shelby 427 Cobro. Priced ot about
$60,000, this two-seater ignores most of the current automotive
necessi There's no air bog or ontilock brakes and oir condi-
tioning is optional. What it does offer is rapid acceleration. It will
do the quorter mile in just 12.9 seconds, topping out in that stretch
at 114 mph. According to Bob Lutz, president of Chrysler Corpo-
rotion, "The Viper is not for everyone. It’s an auto for the enthu-
p guy who wants a great driving car ond nothing more.”

THE JOE AND KURT SHOW

they debate

love! movies!

war! art!

best friends joe heller

and kurt vonnegut just love to talk

conversation

BY CAROLE

MALLORY

We are settled on the patio outside Joe's
house in Amagansett on Long Island. Kurt
sits in the shade, Joe nearer the lawn and
in the sun. Both men wear khaki shorts.

PLAYBOY: You said last night that Joe
was older.

HELLER: It depends on how we feel at
the time.

VONNEGUT: Based on the thickness of
his books, he’s senior.

HELLER: You probably worked it out to
the number of pages. You have twenty-
seven books. They're all short. 1 have
five books. They're all long.

PLAYBOY: How long have you been
friends?

HELLER: 1 don't think were friends
now. I see him maybe twice a year.
VONNEGUT: We're associates We're
colleagues.

HELLER: We call each other when one of

us needs something.
VONNEGUT: I don't know. We were both
sort of PR people and promotional
people at one time. I used to work for
GE and 1 had ambitions to be a writer
and Га go to New York. I'd say we
probably met about 1955 or so.
HELLER: No, no, 1 didn't meet you then.
I met you at Notre Dame.

VONNEGUT: When was that?

HELLER: It was 1968, when Martin

Luther King was shot. He was shot
the night we were there. 1 remem-
ber flying back from South Bend
to Chicago with Ralph Ellison and
reading the papers. They were worry-
ing that Chicago was on fire. I think
he was supposed to stop there and
decided not to. So that would be the
time I met you. And that turned
out to be a cataclysmic year. Bobby
Kennedy was shot in 1968. Martin

PLAYBOY

Luther King. The Soviets invaded
Czechoslovakia.

vONNEGUT: Can I tell the story about
you and the shooting of Martin Luther
King?

HELLER: No. Of course you can.
VONNEGUT: It was a literary festival at
Notre Dame and it went on for about
three or four days and we took turns
going on stage. It was Heller's turn to
be screamingly funny and he got up
there and he was just about to speak,
no doubt with prepared material, and
some sort of academic, a professor,
came up over the footlights to the
lectern and shouldered Joe aside po-
litely and said, "I just want to announce.
that Martin Luther King has been
shot" And then this guy went back
over the footlights and took his seat,
and Heller said, “Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. I wish I were with Shirley now.
She's crying her eyes out."

HELLER: Shirley was my first wife. And
then I went into my prepared speech.
It was a tough beginning. That's how
we met. Kurt Vonnegut gave a speech
that was probably the best speech Гуе
ever heard. I think I haven't heard a
better one since. He was so casual and
so funny and it all seemed extempora-
ncous and when I came up afterward
to shake his hand, I noticed he was
drenched with sweat. I asked him a few
years later it he had written the speech
or was speaking off the cuff.
VONNEGUT: Every writer has to write
his speech.

HELLER: I don't do that.

VONNEGUT: You don't?

HELLER: Nope. I have only one speech I
give depending on whether or not
Marün Luther King has been shot
that day.

PLAYBOY: Would you like to give a
speech now?

HELLER: Nope. I get paid for the
speeches. And it's still nothing com-
pared to what Ollie North gets when
he's in his prime. Or Leona Helms-
ley—she can get more than that. Usual-
ly there is a year when certain people
are very hot. Angela Davis was. Abbie
Hoffman was.

VONNEGUT: Bork had about six months.
But that was a scandal.

HELLER: I don't think it's a scandal.
VONNEGUT: The students come only to
see reputed pinwheels and freaks. If
you get an enormously dignified, intel-
ligent, experienced man like Harrison
Salisbury, nobody comes.

HELLER: You have a small audience and
a few people walking out.

VONNEGUT: The best audience in the
world is the 92nd Street Y. Those peo-
ple know everything and they are wide
awake and responsive.

HELLER: I was part of a panel there on
December seventh. The fiftieth anni-
versary of Pearl Harbor.

VONNEGUT: Were you bombed at Pearl
Harbor, Joe?

HELLER: No.

VONNEGUT: Of course, James Jones was.
I was saying this would be sort of a
valedictory interview because our gen-
eration is taking its leave now. James
Jones is gone. Irwin Shaw is gone. Tru-
man Capote is gone.

HELLER: Yeah, but nobody's replaced
us.

VONNEGUT: No. [Laughter]

HELLER: By the way, that's the subject of
a novel I'm doing now to be called Clos-
ing Time. It has to do with a person
about my age realizing not only that
he's way past his prime but also that life
is nearing its end. The aptness of the
invitation from the Y fits in because
this movel begins with these lines,
“When people my age speak of the war,
it’s not of Vietnam, but the one that
broke out a half a century ago."
PLAYBOY: What are you working on,
Kurt?

vONNEGUT: On a divorce. Which is a
full-time job. Didn't you find it a full-
time job?

HELLER: Oh, it's more than a full-time
job. You ought to go back and read that
section in No Laughing Matter on the di-
vorce. 1 went through all the lawyers.
But yours is going to be a tranquil one,
you told me.

VONNEGUT: It seems to me divorce is so
common now. It ought to be more in-
stitutionalized. It's like a head-on colli-
sion every time. It's supposed to be a
surprise but it’s commonplace. Deliver
your line about never having dreamed
of being married.

HELLER: It's in Something Happened: “1
want a divorce; I dream of a divorce. I
was never sure 1 wanted to get mar-
ried. But I always knew I wanted a
divorce.”

VONNEGUT: Norman Mailer has what—
five divorces now?

HELLER: One of my idols used to be
Artie Shaw. He used to marry these
beautiful women who were very fa-
mous and be able to afford to divorce
them. At that time, divorces were hard
to get. You had to go to Nevada. The
second thing, you needed a great deal
of alimony because the women were al-
ways getting it. And I was wondering
how a clarinet player could afford—
was it Ava Gardner? Lana Turner?
Kathleen Winsor? Oh, Гус forgotten
the others. He had about eight wives.
All glamourous.

VONNEGUT: I used to play the clarinet
and I thought he was the greatest clar-
inet player ever.

HELLER: You thought he was a better
clarinetist than Benny Goodman or
Pee Wee Russell?
VONNEGUT: It was explained to me by
some musicologist. I said to him, “Гуе
got these vaudeville turns and the clar-
inet thing is one of them,” and he said,
“Shaw used a special reed that nobody
else used and a special mouthpiece that
allowed him to get a full octave above
what other people were playing.” And
that's what I kept hearing him do.
Christ, he was getting way up there
where nobody else vas getting. But no,
I think probably the greatest clarinet
player in history was Benny Goodman.
HELLER: I would think so.
VONNEGUT: I wound up going home
from Mailer's one time in a limo with
Goodman and I said to him, “I used to
play a little licorice stick myself.”
PLAYBOY: Why are men more readily
able than women to distinguish the dif-
ference between sex and love?
HELLER: Your question implies that
when a woman engages in sex, she
does so only when she's in love. Or she
thinks of it as an act of love. Our vocab-
ulary has become corrupt in a way
that’s embarrassing to me. Have you
ever heard a man use the word "lov-
er” about a woman? Have you ever
heard a man say, “This gal, she's my
lover?”
VONNEGUT: I'll say it of a woman. To
close friends.
HELLER: I used the word only once in a
book, when the character Gold is react-
ing exactly the way I am and the wom-
an says, "You are my lover.” He never
thought of himself as a lover. He says
he always thought of himself as a fuck-
er, not a lover.
VONNEGUT: Well, this is Joe. Joe doesn't
vote either. Is that right, Joe?
HELLER: I will say—— [Sound of a lawn
mower] Oh, shit! Is he coming to do the
lawn now? He is.
PLAYBOY: Shall we stop him? Or shall we
go inside?
HELLER: We can go over there. No, we
can't stop him. You're lucky to get him.
We move inside Heller's modern country
home. Kurt sits on a hassock between two so-
fas. Joe reclines on the middle of a sofa per-
pendicular lo the hassock. They begin talk-
img about the war.
vONNEGUT: Only one person came
home from World War Two who was
treated like a hero and that was Audie
Murphy. Everybody knew he was the
only hero.
HELLER: I felt like a hero when I came
home. And 1 still feel like a hero when
people interview me. People think it
quite remarkable that I was in combat
in an airplane and I flew sixty missions
(continued on page 130)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

LONE STAR
STUNNER

meet the best thing
ever to come out
of mexia, texas:
miss may, vickie smith

rs COMMON for small-town girls to
deploy a fiotilla of feminine wiles
and guile designed to get them-
selves out of Nowheresville to Any-
where, but Vickie Smith has always
played it straight. As earthy and wide
open as the North Texas spaces she
hails from (she grew up in Mexia—
Pronounced Ma-HEY-ya—pop. 6933),
Vickie tells the ruth no matter how
uncool it may sound. Her biggest fear,
for instance: “Water! I feel foolish ad-
mitting this, but it scares me when
there's any more of it than you can fit
into a bathtub,” She doesn't like show-
ers, either—maybe because Vickie,
who devours horror films like so much
buttered popcorn, has seen Psycho one
time too many. How about a secret
fetish? “Well,” she admits sheepishly, “1
don't know why, but there's something
about men in braces—the kind you
wear on your teeth—that drives me
crazy.” Two things she's not crazy
about, she volunteers, revealing her
old-fashioned sensibilities, are men
who do drugs and men with long hair.
She saw a lot of both on the streets of
Los Angeles during her recent visit
there. Otherwise, the California trip,
taken at Playboy's behest, was, in a
word, "fantastic! I stayed at Playboy
Mansion West, which was incredible.
I still can't get over being able to order On her first trip outside Texas, Playmate Vickie Smith
whatever I wanted from a menu and pays homage to a flack af screen idols (here, Liz
being served by uniformed waiters." As and Dick) immortalized on o Hollywood mural. a

a former Red Lobster wait-
ress who sometimes got
stiffed on tips, this turn-
about was even sweeter than
the Mansion's desserts. But.
Vickie's favorite meal had
less to do with food than
with the company “Tony
Curtis was visiting the Hef-
ners one evening
calls, sitting cross-legged on
the black-leather sofa in her
Houston apartment, "end
he sketched a little picture
for me.” Grabbing a black-
leather datebook from a
black-lacquered coffee table
(“Black is my favorite col-
or”), she proudly shows off
Curtis’ autographed sketch,
a whimsical pen-and-ink
drawing of a cat atop a pi-
ano, eyeing a goldfish whose
days seem numbered in sec-
onds. As Vickie recounts her
LA. wip—her first foray
outside Texas in her 24-
year-old life—we are sitting
in the tidy studio apartment
she has shared for the past
five years with her six-year-
old pixie-faced son Daniel.
Living-room апа stairwell
walls are adorned with some
20 framed photographs
of Vickie's idol, Marilyn
Monroe

Another woman that she
greatly admires is Christie
Brinkley. “Not only is she in-
credibly beautiful but she is
where I would like to be.”
Does that include having
Billy Joel for a husband?
“Naw,” Vickie replies, laugh-
ing. “He's way too short for
me. Besides, he’s taken.” The
trip to LA. having whetted
her wanderlust, she's itching.
to escape "to Paris for the
fashions and to the Cayman
Islands for the sun. Actually,
I'm eager to go anywhere
that isn’t Texas!" Being cho-
sen as a Playmate, says Vick-
ie, is “a dream come true,
and it makes me feel that my
other dreams are possible,
too.” Like what? “Oh, like
breaking into movies or

appearing in an MTV video.” She would al-
so like to do some video modeling to up-
grade her far-from-steady income doing
newspaper ads and promo work for Hous-
ton businesses—including an upcoming
stint for Costa Spa, the health club she fre-
quents to keep her astounding figure in
fighting trim.

"The people in Mexia won't believe it
when these pictures of me hit the news-
stands," she predicts, "because, believe it or
not, I was considered a goody-two-shoes
nerd back in high school" (Mexians will
have had some warning, however: Vickie
appeared on the cover of our March issue.)
When pressed, Vickie concedes that her
naturally pretty face—stunning even with-
out a lick of make-up—may have made the
other girls jealous. As for the boys, they had
to feel overwhelmed by her then-gawky,
5'11” frame, unbalanced by the ample bust
she developed much later ("sometime after
the junior prom," she recalls).

Shortly after that pleasing anatomical de-
velopment occurred, Vickie married her
high school sweetheart. A year later, they
had a baby, and while the marriage didn't
last, her love affair with her son continues
unabated.

"My mother wasa career cop and she was
pretty rough (text concluded on page 136)

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

МАМЕ: ' Sm п i

pust: „(РОГ varsr: -Alo nrs: З.

mrm: S 11% wrom: 19O _

BIRTH DATE: Л-2% - lo sma: XO OUS tO n

AMBITIONS: —E want io be the беш Marilyn Manco
Rind Cw my own Chark bable — —
Turn-ons: Men who wear braces , amd Combos s
ж also ger off bn Stary wabuilS -

TURN-OFFS: -timine obse e -
buláccs , dis loyal Sriends and slpbs

woes: SOller-bladime , Covch potato-iwe /

FAVORITE AUTHORS: The people who write my-
+e s

A A ay S

FAVORITE MUSICIANS: Gar +h Brooks lee on At.
Were Sine/e_),

FAVORITE TV SHOWS: The. Simpsons, The Young ond

The Aesfitss, E Sia, im ghe La

FAVORITE CENTURY, AND WHY? 7

Wort hosp skirts Gad men were men.

Не. с The as na € £x,
UTIMUR ERES i $ in 1985, befor cK

in Wie dece dus. y chest arve lope

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

Апет making love, the man excused himself
and went into the bathroom. When he re-
turned, the woman sat up in bed and re-
marked, "I can tell you're a doctor by the way
you washed your hands before and alter."
“Well, that's right," the fellow said with a
self-satisfied grin. "Do you know what kind?"
Га say an anesthesiologist,”
How did you know?" the M.D. asked.
“Because throughout the entire procedure,
1 didn't feel a thing.”

Two accountants stopped for a drink after
work and began to discuss one of their col-
leagues' interest in the firm's new secretary. "
just don't get it," one said. "She's an airhead.
"There's nothing going on upstairs."

“That may be true,” replied the other, "but I
don't think that's the Hoor he's getting off on."

A jogger was running through Central Park

one afternoon when he passed a little green

man reading a newspaper. That guy must be a

Martian, the jogger thought, and if 1 de

to him, ГЇЇ regret it the rest of my life. So the

runner circled back and stopped in front of the

green man. “Excuse me, are you a Martian?

Yes, Lam.”

“Are all Martians green?”

“Yes, we are.”

And do you all have just the one eye in the

middle of your forehead?
5."

And the two antennae

Yes.”

And do all of you wear that little round

hat
"No, Earthling. Only the Orthodox."

А man telephoned a law firm and asked to
speak to a lawyer. “I'm really in trouble and
need some advice fast," he said. "I've saved five
hundred dollars. If pay you that amount, will
you answer two questions?”

the lawyer replied. “What's your sec-

‚Alter announcing to his bar buddies that his
wife was expecting their tenth child, Zeke
mournfully declared, “If she gets pregnant
again, I swear ГЇЇ hang myself.”

A year later, Zeke had to confess that his wife
was in the family way again, One of his pals re-
minded him: “You said you'd hang yourself if
she got knocked up again

“I almost did,” Zeke said. “I threw a rope
over a tree limb, stood on a chair and slipped
my head into the noose.”

What happened?”
Well, I got to thinking—maybe I was hang-
ing the wrong man.”

Why do men always give their peni
name? Because they don't want a stranger
making 95 percent of their decisions for them.

Staggering in from their tenth-anniversary
dinner, the besotted husband collapsed in a
chair and let out a stentorian belch. “That's it,
George!" his wife ser I'm cutting you
off forever

“That's i
know where I'm getting it.”

eplied. “You don't

п an apparent response to a recent Red Cross
plea. we spotted this bumper sticker in LA.
GIVE BLOOD—PLAY HOCKEY

The patient sat on the examining table and
complained of stomach pains. “Those ovsters I
е are not sitting well," he said.
“Were they fresh?" the doctor asked.
"I'm not really sure."

Well, how did they look when you opened
the shells?”

“Opened the shells?

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy,
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, tllinois
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

“What's this blonde hair doing on your beeper?”

103

104

PLAYBOY PROFILE

THE
VY O Fe ST

SENATOR
IN AMERICA

Most or the prosecutors
from the Organized
Crime Strike Force
were sitting in the
back of Judge Joseph
McLaughlin's federal
courtroom in Brooklyn
on December 20, 1983. They wanted to see this
event with their own eyes: A United States Sena-
tor was about to testify as a character witness for
a Mobster.

In the case at hand, the Department of Justice
showed that Philip Basile became a multimillion-
aire by fronting for the Mob in discos, clubs and
concert promotions, many of them on the Long
Island turf of his supporter, Alfonse M. D'Amato,
Republican Senator from New York.

D'Amato raised his right hand, swore to tell
the truth. before God and law, and then in-
formed the jury that Philip Basile "is an honest,
wuthful, hardworking man, a man of integrity."

When the Senator completed his testimony, he
walked to the prosecution table as if he were
campaigning for reelection on the Coney Island
boardwalk. He tried to kiss young prosecutor
Laura Ward on the check, but Ward recoiled
from his attempted embrace and sat down. The

even in the shabby club that is
the us. senate, al d'omato stands

out among his craven peers

Senator. seemingly im-
mune to embarrass-
ment, marched over
to the defense table
where, in front of
the wide-eyed jury, he
kissed Philip Basile on
each cheek and then embraced him.

The day before, the jury had listened to the
testimony of Henry Hill, who a few years later
would become a minor celebrity as the subject of
Nicholas Pileggi's book Wiseguy and of the re-
sulting movie Good Fellas. Hill had told the jury
how Basile, acting on the orders of Lucchese
family capo and drug dealer Paul Vario, had giv-
en him a no-show job (complete with fake pay
stubs) at Basile's Breakout Management. This
was done so Hill could get early release from
prison and return to work for Vario, who had al-
ready been convicted of rape, loan-sharking, tax
evasion, bribery, contempt and bookmaki

Philip Basile was the man Senator D'Amato
called, with unassailable accuracy, "a hardwork-
ing man." D'Amato was the only witness who
was called by the defense.

Now it was up to the jury to decide whom to
believe: the sleazebag, ^ (continued on page 124)

Bw
JOE CONASON and JACK NEWFIELD

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LEVINE

ШЕКЕ

PLAYBOY

| |

things you can live without, but who wants to?

Sony's new wireless ICF-IR7 digital AM/FM sterea clock-radio uses infrared technalagy to trans-
mit signals fram the cantrol module to twa 184"-tall remote speakers. And since the unit is com-

patible with most partable Sony Discman CD players, you can wake up to recardings, $200.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO

After being off the mass
market for years, the
Bulova Accutron is back.
Shown here is the Chron-
ograph model featuring
a quartz movement in a
stainless-steel cose, $995.

Your teeth may be germ-
free but what about your
toothbrush? Now there's
Purebrush, an ultraviolet
machine that rids up to
four toothbrushes of bac-
teria in an hour, $80.

David Letterman owns a
handmade pine rubber-
band Gotling gun. And
when you see the Devas-
tator fire 100 "shots," you'll
want one, too, by Earth
Products, about $600.

Zymól's ABS polyurethane
car-care kit comes with all
the cleaners, conditioners,
waxes, brushes, applica-
tors, etc., yau'll need to
keep your cherished chari-
ot beautiful, about $300.

The TriEdge, а three-inch
"ultimate gentleman's
knife," is crafted of stain-
less steel and black Micar-
ta, It holds a pen blade,
nail clipper/file and scis-
sors, by Sarco, about $50.

Cobra has introduced the
Trapshooter Solar Stealth,
a solar-powered cordless
radar detector that oper-
ates up ta 30 haurs with-
out daylight and sniffs out
both X and K bands, $200.

Where & How ta Buy on poge 163

Go from the oirpott to the
first tee with a set of 11
regulation-length Voyager

MC golf clubs that feature
the unique Shaft-Lock sys-

tem, all fitted in a special
travel bag, by ATI, $770.

„LAYBOy%
1992
BASEBALL

PREVIEW

enjoy the pastime’s golden days before they're going, going, gone

sports by kevin cook

HAVE SEEN the future and it sucks. Recession, re-

pression, sexism, racism, ozone depletion, diet

beer. Even worse, baseball. The irrational pas-

time simply can't top the show it staged last year,

when a couple of 100-1 shots played a one-in-a-
million World Series. Next year brings expansion: two
terrible new teams to lower the level of play. Then the
game's sweetheart deals with CBS and ESPN run out;
new deals will favor TV at baseball's expense. In 1994
comes the end of the basic agreement between players
and owners, followed by your basic strike or lockout,
possibly followed by a summer with no big-league
baseball—a joyless Mudville year in which the game
itself strikes out.

So forget the future. Join me in toasting the game be-
fore it goes flat (“Carpe gusto,” Roman bleacher bums used
to say). This year, we will watch the Twins unravel as two
stripes of Sox chase the A's, Jays and remade Royals in the
American League, while the Pirates and Padres shock the
National, all in the last great season ofa golden age.

In 1991, 57,000,000 fans went to major-league ball
games, the sixth attendance record in seven years. About
55,000,000 of them bitched about players’ salaries, as
though Will Clark's swing or Roger Clemens' cojones
could be measured in dollars. The fact is, fans get more
for their money now than ever before. Last year, we had

Jose Canseco doing the late-night with Madonna in the
New York Post and outstarring her on the field, at least un-
til her baseball movie comes out. We had Iron Man Rip-
ken playing а tougher position than Iron Horse Gehrig
for the 1573rd-straight game and swinging a molten bat,
too. The Tigers invented the shut-your-eyes-and-swing
offense. Lou Brock's speed record fell to Rickey Hender-
son on the same day that Nolan Ryan tossed his absurdly
grand seventh no-hitter. We had a Series in which five of
seven games were decided by one run; four games
turned on the final pitch, including a seventh game to tell
the grandkids about—a thriller decided by Lonnie
Smith, a man who could homer but could not run home.

In these great days, the debate isn't about whether or
not there are great players, it's about who is the greatest.
For instance, the Ryne Sandberg-Roberto Alomar ques-
tion: 2b or not 2b the best 2b ever? And there's no ques-
tioning this list of future Hall of Famers: Brett, Puckett,
Fisk, Thomas, Ryan, Sierra, Palmeiro, Franco, Griffey Jr.
Eckersley, Henderson and Canseco. Here's another thing
to remember: They're all in the A.L. West.

This is the year to wake up and smell the hot dogs. We
are sccing a game at the top of its form. The Age of Ryan,
we could call it. Or is it the Age of Clemens? It would be
Oakland's age if not for two October miracles and 16
injuries last year. Or Pittsburglrs if not for the Pirates

It's twilight-of-the-gods time for future Hall of Famers Roger Clemens, Cal Ripken, Nolan Ryan and Borry Bonds,
who face their final supreme season before the expansion teams stumble and bumble an baseball's elysion fields.

ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN O'LEARY

annual Cheshire сагаа in the play-off.

So maybe it is the Age of Parity.
That's a football word, but what passes
for parity in the N.EL. would be domi-

nance in baseball, where the gap be-
tween worst and best is far narrower. If
the 1991 Twins and Braves didn't
prove that to your satisfaction, take a

C00K'S

N.L. EAST
1. Pirates
2. Mets

3. Cubs

4. Cardinals
5. Phillies
6. Expos
A.L. EAST
1. Blue Jays
2. Red Sox
3. Orioles
Tigers
Yankees
Brewers

4.
Bi
6.
7. Indians

N.L. WEST
1. Padres
2. Braves
3. Dodgers
4. Reds

5. Glants
6. Astros

A.L. WEST
1. White Sox
2. Athleties
3. Royals

4. Twins

5. Rangers
6. Angels

1. Mariners

A.L. CHAMPS: WHITE SOX -
N.L. CHAMPS: PADRES
WORLD CHAMPS:

WHITE SOX

look at John Smoltz. Last year, he was
2-11 at the All-Star break. Then he met
with a sports shrink, began mumbling
"I think I can, I think I can throw 95,"
went 12-2 in the second half and
matched zeroes with Jack Morris in the
Series. That kind of reversal makes
drama.

So does a colorful supporting cast.
Bo knows the rigors of rehab, sweating.
his way back, becoming the story of
1992 as the key to the Sox’ ascendance.
Tom Lasorda invents new profanities.
Lenny Dykstra slides and drives head-
first. The Reds’ Glenn Braggs rips a
steel clubhouse door off its hinges.
Cubs phenom Turk Wendell, who
brushes his teeth between innings and
leaps six feet over chalk lines, refuses to
catch any ball thrown by an ump. And
Darryl Strawberry, the most dramatic
of athletes: After his separated shoul-
der was “healed by the Lord” in 1991,
poor Straw was surprised when he hurt
it again. Moral: Last year, at least, the
Lord liked Atlanta.

There were other miracles as well.
Gene Larkin, who broke Lou Gehrig's
Columbia University hitting records,
became driftwood in the Twins’ bat
rack, had 19 R.B.Is all year, never
played a post-season inning in the field
and came to bat in game seven after
Kirby Puckett, Kent Hrbek, David Jus-
tice, Ron Gantand 20 others had failed
to get a run home. He won the World
Series with one swing.

Credit Jack Morris for giving Larkin
his at bat in the bottom of the tenth. In
the top of the inning, before a single
pitch was thrown, Twins manager Tom
Kelly wants relief. Morris, working on
a nine-inning shutout in the most im-
portant game of his life, has the mad
thought that he could pitch ten, 11, 50
innings, whatever it takes. The whole
world is waiting, Morris is growling, so
Kelly nods and says, “What the heck,
it's justa game.”

°
We tend to romanticize the past be-
cause we were younger and sweeter
back then. Since baseball is part of the
national dreamscape, we gild its history
even more than the pasts of other
sports. But the vast majority of baseball
history is fat, slow, white guys being vi-
ciously exploited by fat. rich. white
guys. That history pales before the
modern game and its players. A game
between last year's 57-105 Indians and
1954's Tribe, who went 111-43, would
be no contest. The old-timers would be
begging for a slaughter rule to stop the

modern Indians from scalping them.
Today's game is the best it has ever
been. And with talent as plentiful as
it is now, the game cannot be bought.
The rich Yankees stink, while the
(continued on page 140)

“In light of these later developments, Agnes, I find I can
m the fact that you don't do windows."

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BYRON NEWMAN

A PRIDE
of

отеп grow up to be brides. Men grow up to
be bewildered by brides. Women sometimes
flower at their weddings. Men can wilt at
theirs. A woman often thinks of her wedding
as the first day of the rest of her life. A man
can regard it as the day after the last great fling in recorded

history. What happens when a woman becomes a bride?

What specific biochemical transformation takes place? Why all the organdy, crepe de Chine, raw silk and
veiled intentions? We thought we'd best investigate this whole bride thing to see if we could make sense of it.

First, we assembled a group of brides and potential brides and photographed them in their natural habi-
rat. In doing so, we had to dispel our notion that in some ways all brides are alike. We noticed immediately
that they do not all dress in the same fashion. Some dress in as many layers as a chrysanthemum has petals.
One woman told us that when she was shopping for a wedding dress, she found herself standing on a raised
platform in a large room dressed only in her underpants, while ladies ushered in a steady stream of dresses.

aving the gowns
coaxed over her head
was, she said, an eerie
sort of pampering.
There she was, one

moment swathed in this exquisitely

crafted garment that made her look terrific, and the next moment she was like a naked Barbie doll wait-
ing for another outfit to come out of the chute. We see on these pages that bridal outfits can be abbrevi-
ated to great effect. Brides and bridesmaids tend naturally to cluster around one another even before the
ceremony. This is when certain behaviors are learned, whatever the stated purpose of the gathering.

120

hat may be to fine-tune a guest list, to mull over flower arrangements and caterers and to

wonder how to tell the dozen or so men still calling up why you are no longer in circula-
tion, but what takes place is the assimilation of feminine protocols that distinguish married

women from party babes. Brides are full of secrets, which they share with other brides.

hese secrets include practical advice on mauers of decorum and how to lay out per-
fect place settings with all that silver, china and crystal that pours in around this time.
When a bride walks down the aisle with stars in her eyes, confident that she is the most
beautiful woman in the room, she strides purposefully toward the man of her dreams

122

he knows, however, from talking with other brides, that someday in the future this may
all change. And change, after all, is what a bride is trained to effect. When asked who

makes most of the changes in the people around her, the bride answers, "I do."

HATS AND VEILS BY PHLIF SOMERVILLE AND STEPHEN JONES, LINGERIE BY JANET REGER AND BRADLEYS OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE,
JEWELRY BY BUTLER AND WILSON, BALL GOWNS BY JACQUES AZAGURY. CORSET BY TABBY, GLOVES BY CORNELIA JAMES

PLAYBOY

124

WORST SENATOR

(continued from page 104)

“D'Amato has been the Zelig who materializes at
virtually every white-collar crime scene."

Hill, or the Senator, D'Amato. In less
than three hours, the jury voted to con-
vict Basile of conspiracy to defraud and
lying to the federal government. Vario
was convicted of the same charges a few
months later.

Basile got five years’ probation and
Vario went to jail. Senator D'Amato re-
turned to Washington.

As this election year rolls оп, the
members of America's most exclusive
club have special reason to worry: In
1992, the Senate is held in singularly
low regard by the people who elected
it There are good reasons for this
opprobrium. The Clarence Thomas
confirmation hearings, for instance,
spotlighted both the Republicans' par-
tisan sexism and the Democrats’ flaccid
incompetence and turned the entire af-
fair into a telethon for term limitation.
There has also been an unseemly pa-
rade of lawmakers into the closed hear-
ing rooms of the Senate Ethics Com-
mittee, where they plea-bargain and
return to the cloakroom in the Capitol
version of turnsule justice. For these
reasons and others, there is a growing
sense that this is a club of pompous,
self-serving windbags who do not even
try to solve our problems.

Such a generalization is, of course,
unfair to at least a handful of intelli-
gent and diligent lawmakers, including
Democrats Patrick Leahy of Vermont
and Carl Levin of Michigan and Re-
publicans James Jeffords of Vermont
and John Danforth of Missouri. But
the talents of these men bring the de-
cline of the rest into bas-relief. Even as
the standard sinks, it helps to remem-
ber that there have always been some
Senators who come up shy of the pre-
vailing threshold (however low) of in-
tegrity, seriousness and principle. In
the Forties, a segregationist named
Theodore Bilbo pronounced the term
"burr-headed nigras" on the Senate
floor. In the Fifties, Joe McCarthy
trampled the Bill of Rights while purg-
ing the country of imagined Commu-
nists. And in the Eighties, Harrison
Williams gained infamy as a New Jer-
sey crook with the perfect liberal voting
record.

There is always one Senator who
stands out as the worst, usually in a way
that exemplifies the problems of the
Senate as a whole—the rotten apple
that typifies a rotting barrel. In this
era, the worst of our 100 senators is the

man who embraced a hoodlum in front
of an honest jury.

What gives D'Amato that distinction
when there is so much competition? In
an era of greed and government scan-
dal, D'Amato has been the governmen-
tal Zelig who, like Woody Allen's
chameleon hero, magically materializes
at virtually every white-collar crime
scene. The savings-and-loan collapse?
D'Amato was there. Trouble at HUD?
The Senator was in the thick of it.
Junk-bond apocalypse? Look for Al-
fonse. Wedtech? Pentagon shenani-
gans? Nice to see you again, Senator.
After a numbing succession of these af-
fronts, even the one-eyed, toothless
watchdog that is the Senate Ethics
Committee was forced, last summer, to
bark feebly at the Senator from New
York. D'Amato interpreted the com-
mittee’s mild reproach—based on a
timid inquiry and scant testimony (of
56 witnesses, 25 took the Fifth Amend-
ment rather than testify)—as exonera-
tion. None of the committee's cringing
members mustered so much as a peep
ot protest.

In his 11 years in the nation’s most
notorious club, Senator D'Amato has
passed no serious legislation, though
he constantly grandstands on such is-
sues as gun control, drug abuse and
the death penalty. He makes no at-
tempt to contribute to the intellectual
life of the Senate, such as it is, unlike
conservative colleagues Robert Dole,
Warren Rudman or Daniel Patrick
Moynihan, His efforts to influence pol-
icy have ranged from the comical—as
when he took a busload of reporters to
the border of Lithuania and demanded
to be let in—to the zany, as in his In-
spector Clouseaulike sleuthing of the
alleged Soviet plot against Pope John
Paul II. Sometimes he's outright dan-
gerous, as in last autumn's credit-card
caper, which threatened to pitch the al-
ready-teetering banking establishment
over the edge into full-scale collapse.
Few single acts of pseudopopulist dem-
agoguery have come as close to launch-
ing a depression as D'Amato's pro-
posed limits on credit-card interest.
Lemminglike, 73 of D'Amato's col-
leagues, along with President Bush,
were ready to follow him over the dift.
Senator Al led the way.

Perhaps the only good to come out of
that adventure was that former chief of
staff John Sununu begged off of the
Presidents backing of the plan and

then was forced to resign. D'Amato, on
the other hand, held fast. But he is up
for reelection this year, so the people of
New York have a choice about whether
or not to terminate his career and re-
turn him to the company of his Nassau
County friends, to whom he has shown
such devotion,

.
In 1984 and 1985, Senator D'Amato
did a couple of favors for two Mobsters
even more extraordinary than serving
as a character witness for Philip Basile.
On two occasions, D'Amato urged
United States Attorney Rudolph Giu-
liani to show leniency toward notorious
organized-crime figures.

In the fall of 1984, D'Amato tele-
phoned Giuliani to suggest that the
eight-year prison term given to Mario
Gigante, a capo in the Genovese crime
family and brother of boss Vincent
“The Chin” Gigante, was too severe.

“The sentence was really heavy,” the
Senator told the prosecutor, whose ap-
pointment he had recommended. “Just
look into it. His brother is a priest." Al-
though he does have a brother who isa
priest, Mario was no choirboy. Accord-
ing to Giuliani's presentencing memo-
randum, Mario Cigante bad threat-
ened a debtor so viciously that the
victim urinated in his pants. He told
the man, “I'd like to take your fucking
skull and just open it up.”

Gigante's attorney was the reptilian
Roy Cohn, who, before his death in
1986, had represented many top
mafiosi. Cohn and his law partner Tom
Bolan controlled the Conservative Par-
ty of New York, and with it much of the
Reaganite apparatus in the state. In
1980, they endorsed D'Amato almost
as soon as he had announced for the
Senate, giving him political credibility
and fund-raising clout. Full of grati-
tude, the Senator appointed Bolan to
his judicial committee, which screened
nominees for appointment as federal
judges and prosecutors.

His gratitude did not stop there.

D'Amato intervened on behalf of an-
other of Cohn’s gangster clients: Paul
Castellano, the notorious boss of the
Gambino family.

As Giuliani recalls it, D'Amato took
him aside at a 1985 law-enforcement
conference for a private conversation
that lasted “four or five minutes.”

“The lawyers tell me you have a big
RICO case where the murder counts
are shitty,” said D'Amato. “You should
review the facts so that you don’t get
embarrassed at the trial.” He made it
sound like he was protecting Giuliani.

The big RICO case with murder
counts pending at the time was against

(continued on page 158)

“Do you mind pennies?”

JOHN ‘LEGUIZAMO

A“ and monologist John Leguizamo's

A show "Mambo Mouth" intro-
duced New Yorkers and, later, cable and
video audiences to a collection of uildly en-
tertaming but disturbed Hispanic street
characters recalled from his youth in New
York City's borough of Queens. For his per-
formance in “Hangin’ with the Homeboys,”
‘Leguizamo was described by one critic as a
“Latino version of Brando.”

Born in Bogolá, Colombia, Leguizamo
moved to New York al the age of five. He ad-
mits to hanging oul with tough kids but
claims that he was actually the goofy type.
His leachers insisted on counseling and en-
couraged drama studies. He took the advice
and got hooked on the stage, studying with
Lee Strasberg, among others, and at New
York University. His performance in a prize-
winning student film attracted the attention
of the casting director of "Miami Vice.”
Movie roles followed and “Mambo Mouth”
premiered at the end of 1990. He recently
finished filming a thriller with Annabella
Sciorra and Alan Alda, and his second one-
man show, “Spic-O-Rama,” debuted in Chi-
cago earlier this year.

10's one-man shows are hardly
examples of an actor mouthing off: he's a
stickler for careful writing and reuriting.
Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker met
with him during rehearsals for "Spic-O-

Rama." Kalbacher

ina" calls, "He had just

amencas шры

leading view with an Eng-

lish tutor One of

latino his characters, Ra-

foel Gigante, firmly

scholar tlie at hes the

k ild of Lau-

explains the e

has the diction, at

Challenge of с о prove а.

pae

tall women, Rue

the legend of fas pare in perfect
desidia British English."

and why PLAYBOY: You are

pretty adamant

anglos look about including

funny ina Spanish in your
sh Mamb

: PEDE

conga line going to insist we

speak Spanish
now?
LEGUIZAMO: It

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GWENDOLEN CATES

should be your duty to learn Spanish.
It's not arrogance. It's just that Spanish
is so prevalent in countries neighbor-
ing the United States. It’s a beautiful,
poetic language. There's much more
rhythm to it than English.

Besides, we actually outnumber
white people, but we're not going to let
them know that. A lot of us are illegals.

PLAYBOY: How come your name is John,
not Juan?

LEGUIZAMO: My mom named me after
her favorite movie actor, John Saxon.
She thought he was a handsome man.
He had black hair and dark features. I
was very hurt when she told me. John
Saxon? I've seen his movies. Couldn't
you have made up a better story,
Ma? Like you named me for John
Kennedy?

PLAYBOY: A Latin homeboy, an illegal
immigrant and a transvestite, among
others, populate Mambo Mouth.
Haven't some Hispanics grumbled that
you weren't doing much for the ethnic
image?

LEGUIZAMO: The way the Latin people
responded, 1 knew they were proud of
what I had done. Some people ran up
and hugged me. But there were pseu-
do-intellectuals who felt that 1 wasn’t
uplifting—how could I have been por-
traying all these street types when
Latin people are so many other things?
They don't want that image because
they're huppies—Hispanic urban pro-
fessionals. I can’t write for all Hispan-
ics. 1 just write from my experience. If
huppies dislike Mambo Mouth, they'll
come down on me with a vengeance for
Spic-O-Rama. І perpetuate agonizing
pain for them. Spic-O-Rama is about the
discount dream you get when you
come to this country. You wanted to be
corporate but instead you run some-
thing. You run your mouth. You get
the laundromat instead of IBM.

PLAYBOY: You grew up in New York
City—and sound like it. Do you have to
work on Latin accents when preparing
your monologs?

LEGUIZAMO: It's always work. I have to
listen to my family. 1 have to listen to
whomever I'm trying to do. Spanish is
like English in the United States, where
almost every state has a different ac-

cent. Spaniards to us have all the class,
all that European finesse. We respect
them and love their sound. I have this
facility with accents because I grew up
with Cubans, Puerto Ricans, Colom-
bians, Ecuadoreans, Salvadorans and
Argentines.

PLAYBOY: What are the secrets ofa Latin
lover?

LECUIZAMO: Latin lovers are really sen-
sual and physical. Latin people are
much more sensitive to all kinds of
touching. We're not so conscious of the
germ thing. WASP people always seem
so sanitary to me. You feel like you're
with doctors and nurses. When we go
out to eat, everybody's digging at one
another's plate. It's no problem to put
your spoon into somebody's glass. You
hug and kiss all the time. You hug and
kiss members of your family. You hug
and kiss your father. Lovemaking is
much wilder and freer. Not that Гус
been in every Latin bedroom. I'm
speaking hypothetically.

PLAYBOY: Doesn't your blonde Anglo
Birlfriend stand about a head taller
than you?

LEGUIZAVO: She's my Amazon love.
She's six-foot-one. I met her when she
was sitting down so I didn't know how
tall she was. Then I realized. When I
look at pictures, I go, Oh, my God, 1
look like a dwarf. Carolyn is more Irish
than WASPy. The cross-cultural thing
is nice. 1 find that Latin people and
Irish people often mix. The Irish crave
that dark meat. Martin Sheen is half
Irish, half Spanish. My cousin is mar-
ried to an Irishman. My aunt is mar-
ried to an Irishman. My girlfriend's
brother is engaged to a Dominican girl.
I think it must be the Catholic thing
and there's a sameness in tempera-
ment. Carolyn's changed so much.
She's Hispanicized. She's much more
physically expressive than she used to
be. She's much more huggy-kissy. She
also dances better.

тлүвоү: Didn't you debut on the
Queensborough subway line—over the
conductor's PA?

LEGUIZAMO: 1 got booked for that, but it
didn't count because I was sixteen. Sev-
enteen is the cutoff point. That was my
first performance. We got busted and

PLAYBOY

handcuffed before 1 got to cracking the
big jokes. They said 1 had to go to family
court. This teacher-counselor recom-
mended that I try acting. I looked in the
Yellow Pages and found an acting school.
I took three hundred dollars I earned at
Kentucky Fried Chicken and went there
for three semesters.

PLAYBOY: You've studied drama for years.
What are the benefits of rigorous thespi-
an training?

LECUIZAMO: I was in Lee Strasberg's class
when he got ill and had to leave. He died
the next дау. Wow, 1 thought, was my
acting that bad? Studying with Strasberg
was the most exciting training 1 had. 1
understood the Method. You live it. You
become it. You experience the moment
instead of being some clever actor who
thinks and plans everything and knows
how to show himself off.

I got a kick out of the sense-memory
cup. You hold a real cup of hot coffee
and feel it and drink it and try to re-
member all the details; then you take
away the cup and try to create the sensa-
tion again from your imagination. My
roommate thought I was a nut.

PLAYBOY: Did you recommend the

Method to Sean Penn and Michael J. Fox

while filming Casualties of War in the
Thai jungle?

LEGUIZAMO: They already had their sys-
tems worked out. Michael J. Fox is the
friendliest, most pleasant person I ever
worked with. Maybe because he's short,
I don't know. The Thai people can't pro-
nounce "x" so they called him Michael J.
Fuck. It vas a joke to all of us.

Sean Репп a different story. At that
time, he was my idol. He was the young
actor who was most daring and provoca-
tive. The rest were brat-pack pussy ac-
tors who were really Milquetoast cream
puff white bread. If you meet somebody
you admire and you see how many flaws
they have, then they're not so admirable
anymore. 1 admire him, but he re-
mained in character and made me do
twenty-five push-ups every time I said
something wrong.

10.

PLAYBOY: Did phone calls from agents
and casting directors come in after your
appearance in Casualties of War?

LEGUIZAMO: People said it was going to be
my big break. I got good reviews, but it
didn't do much for my career. I played a
terrorist in Die Hard 2. My part was so
small there could be a trivia question:
How many times did Leguizamo flash
across the screen in Die Hard 2? It’s sev-
en times. It's hard to say whether I'm on

the verge of a break. I really do believe
that things would be different if I were a
white guy or a black guy. The roles of-
fered to me are always drug dealers,
gang members, thieves, crooks, all this
underbelly stuff. I'm not a Latin person
who's trying to pass. I don’t expect to be
playing a WASP executive. But I should
be able to play any character who has
some of my mannerisms but who isn't re-
ally Hispanic or white or anything. Why
can'ta Latin person be Peter Pan? Or be
їп Slar Trek? Why couldn'ta Latin person
be the character in a Tom Hanks movie?
There are so many roles. There are so
many of us. I have to create my own op-
portunities. The only way is for me to
write my own stuff.

п.

PLAYBOY: Could you use your Method
training to pass if you wanted to?

LEGUIZAMO: | want to play Robert Red-
ford's son. That's my goal. Pm going to
bleach my hair blond, wear really pale
make-up and put in blue contact lenses.
Then ГЇЇ sit around and stare at myself.
in the mirror: Г am white. I am white bread.
J enjoy mayonnaise and bland foods. Nothing
‘upsets me. I'll put on light FM and mellow
ош and read a Hemingway novel. I'll be
ready. In the Method kind of way.

12.

PLAYBOY: Is Latin culture mankind's last
best hope?

LEGUIZAMO: Latin people have a lot of old
values that Americans have lost. Ameri-
cans get rid of their grandparents and
put them in nursing homes and their
kids are put into camps and boarding
schools. But Latin people bring all the
relatives together. The grandmother has
to be at every function, every party. You
get that sense of family and community.
Pride is our flaw. We're easily insulted
and that's why we fight a lot. If you at-
tack the family, that could be dangerous
to your life.

13.

PLAYBOY: Can Anglos ever look good in a
conga line?

LECUIZAMO: It’s a kick for us to watch
white people try to dance to Latin music.
They're not hiting the rhythm right,
they don't know the right moves.
They're trying really hard to be loose
and free and trying to have a good time.
But they're so awkward. They're like
those gooney birds that try to walk afier
flying for a long time: They crash-land
and they're all rubbery. They don't cross
over enough so they don't have the ex-
perience. If they crossed over more of-
ten, they would know what to do.

14.

PLAYBOY: Do you have plastic slipcovers
on your furniture?

LEGUIZAMO: I left the plastic on my mat-
tress. My girlfriend said to take it off. I
go, No baby, what if I have to move? I
want my mattress to be intact and brand-
new. When I was young, furniture was
supposed to last your whole life. I wasn't
allowed to sit on it or breathe on it. 1 had
to stay away from the living room. I
wasn't even supposed to turn on the TV
because it would waste it. Not waste elec-
tricity. Waste the television.

15.

PLAYBOY: You made several арреаг-
ances—as drug kingpin Calderone's
son—on Miami Vice. What do you think
of that show's depiction of Hispanics?
LEGUIZAMO: Miami
Vice gave so much
work to Latin actors.
And every Latin ac-
tor wanted to be on
it because it was ex-
citing. It was filling
our pockets and de-
stroying us at the
same time. It perpet-
uated so many nega-
tive stereotypes. Un-
believable. Every
Latin man was a drug
dealer. Every woman
was a prostitute and
Junkie. But it's better
to be seen than not to
be seen. I'd rather be
a gangster than a no-
body.

16.

PLayBoy: Just how do
starving actors spend
those days waiting
for the big break?

LEGUIZAMO: I was eat-
ing a lot of rice and
sardines and pasta
with butter. I con-
vinced myself that I
loved those foods. I
didn't have enough money to pay rent. I
was staying with anyone who'd have me.
I was the king of the busboys at the Black
Rock Cafe, a Mexican joint on Eighth
Street. And I was a salesman at Angel's
apparel store. І read law books to this
guy who was legally blind. I would try to
act it and he'd say to just read it plain
and fast. I fell asleep reading the books a
couple times. I cleaned apartments for
three years. I scrubbed people's toilets. I
did all the nasty things in those apart-
ments. Га lock the doors and eat their
food. Take a shower. Watch TV. Use all
their Clinique stuff, all these fancy funky
lotions. People had sexual gadgets in
their bedrooms. 1 was cleaning, but it
was an excuse to pry. I'm certainly eating

a lot more than I used to. But you never
know. Knock on wood.

17.

pLavBoY: Tattoo parlors are illegal in
New York. Where did you acquire the
artwork on your shoulder? Why did you
choose a heart in such distress?

LEGUIZAMO: I got the tattoo on Sunset
Strip with my friend Darren Burrows.
He's in Northern Exposure. It doesn't say
“Born to Lose," but it has the same ef-
fect. I wanted a tattoo and searched to
find a symbol that motivated me. It's a
heart being stabbed and set on fire—and
sull living. No matter what, I'll survive.
The tattoo reminds me to dare. To risk.

If it isnt a tradition,
its a very, very,
very long fad.

WILD
TURKEY

101 proof, real Kentucky

KENTUCKY STRAGHT BOURBON WHISKEY S05% ALC NOL AUSTIN. NCHOLS DISTLLING CO. LAWRENCEBURG, KY 1991.

18.

PLAYBOY: Are you going to celebrate the
five-hundredth anniversary of Colum-
bus' arrival in the New World in a big
way?

LEGUIZAMO: Columbus Day is the big Ital-
ian holiday, but who gave Columbus the
money to come? A Spanish lady. The dif-
ference between the conquistadores and
Pilgrims is that the Pilgrims came here
with their women. They weren't horny
so they didn't mix with the Indians.
"They killed them. The Spaniards came
here in ships and they had been at sea a
long time and they'd been eating fish
and they were horny and when they saw.
these Indian women, they mixed with
them. They had all that sex and all those

bastard children and that's why Latins
are such a funky mix of European, Indi-
an and African. The Pilgrims came to
conquer and everything had to fit their
structure. The Spaniards were a little
wilder and looser. They had less control.
They care, had sex, took the gold and
left. It was like a big Las Vegas. You came
to gamble with a lot of nice naked ladies
all around. But the Anglos came here
and they settled.

19.

PLAYBOY: Don't you have some ‘splaining
to do about why Desi Arnaz is your hero?
LEGUIZAMO: He was a role model for me.
He fought hard to be on television. He
was one of the few Latin persons on TV
for the longest time.
He tried to find what
was funny about
Latin people: the
temper, rambling in
Spanish—a passion-
ate, jealous man, lov-
ing his music, loving
to dance. They didn't
want the Ricky Ricar-
do character in the
show. They said you
can't have an inter-
racial marriage. Lucy
said she wouldn't do
the show if he wasn't
in it and it ended up
that Desi produced
it. He's the one who
first used three cam-
eras in a comedy
show and it still looks
good today. He really
changed comedy in
many ways.

20.

PLAYBOY: One of your
Characters enjoys
making love to
"mountains of mo-
cha." Is that a due
to one Leguizamo kink?
LEGUIZAMO: My fantasy is Roseanne Barr
Arnold. If I could make love to her, my
life would be complete. Chubby women.
Carolyn was chubby when I met her, but.
she's skinny now. I didn't put her on a
regimen. I'm real active and I didn't
have much money and we didn't eat, so
it made her lose weight. She is tall.
When we kiss, she bends over a little, I
lean up a little and it’s OK. I dip her as
often as I can. When we dance Spanish
or when were goofing around and I kiss
her, I dip her. And in bed it makes no
difference whatsoever. I'm right there at
all the important parts. I'm closer to the
important parts than a regular guy.

129

PLAYBOY

130

JOE AND KURT

(continued from page 88)

"Imagine somebody coming back from the Gulf say-
ing, ‘Gee, Гт lucky. I didn't have to kill anybody."

even though I tell them that the missions.
were largely milk runs.

VONNECUT: And what kind of medals did
you get?

HELLER: Í got the conventional medals,
which came automatically. Air Medal
with five or six clusters. You know,
уоште in my new book. Unless you
object

VONNEGUT; Good. Good.

HELLER: In that sense it's not a sequel.
One of the characters does end up in
Dresden and he's talking to a guy named
Vonnegut. You're not in Catch-22, so it's
not properly a sequel

VONNEGUT: Joe, when he was working on
this book earlier, wanted to get an officer
or a high-ranking noncom into Dres-
den. You know, the guy who had done
bombing. Then, finally, he's bombed,

and this is technically impossible. Non-
coms and officers were not allowed to
work. They were kept in big stalags out
in the countryside.

PLAYBOY: How did you feel when Iraq
was bombed?

HELLER: I felt awful about the whole Gulf
war. My feeling is that at that time Bush
still hadn't figured out why he had in-
vaded Panama, and he didn't know why
he was making war in Iraq. And he still
doesn't. I think it was an atrocity.
VONNEGUT: 1 can see where you might
catch a whole lot of people and have
to kill them that way, particularly from
the air. But people in our war, the good
war, were sickened by it afterward and
would not talk about it. When we went to
war, we had two fears. One was that we'd
get killed. The other was that we might

"They don't look like senate aides to me, either.”

have to kill someone. Imagine somebody
coming back from the Gulf, particularly
a pilot, saying, "Gee, I'm lucky. I didn't
have to kill anybody." TV has dehuman-
ized us to the point where this is accept-
able. It was like shooting up a crowd go-
ing home from a football game on a
Saturday afternoon. Shoot the front ve-
hicle and the back vehicle and then go
up and down and kill everybody dead. A.
disgraceful way to act. In the SS—proba-
bly a tough branch of the SS and maybe
just officers—they had to strangle a cat
during their training. With their hands.
And I think TV has done this to a whole
lot of people without anybody's having
to strangle a cat.

HELLER: I would guess that after one
strangled the first cat, the rest are easier.
The next five or six are pure fun. Then
it becomes a kind of pastime. A careless
hobby. Like lighting a cigarette.

pLayBoy: Why do we celebrate war with a
parade?

HELLER: 1 think it’s dangerous to use the
expression “we” in dealing with war.
One of the fallacies has to do with
democracy. 1 don't think we've had a
President in my lifetime who came to the
White House with a significant propor-
tion of the eligible voters voting.
VONNEGUT: Yeah, but you got at least one
great President, didn't you?

HELLER: Which one?

VONNEGUT: Roosevelt.

HELLER: I Often wonder, if I were an
adult in Roosevelt's time, whether 1
would have revered him and loved him
the way 1 do in retrospect.

VONNEGUT: The Russians loved the czar
as long as they could. Right up until the
last minute, because he was the father.
HELLER: Once the war broke out, 1 think
everyone wanted it over quickly and did
not want to see a U.S. defeat. There was
so much bunkum and deception.
PLAYBOY: Instead of killing several hun-
dred thousand lragis, why wasn't Sad-
dam Hussein "disappeared"?

HELLER: It’s not that easy. I think they
were bombing places selectively in the
hope of geting him. The way they
missed Qaddafi and got his daughter.
VONNEGUT: There's a wonderful docu-
mentary Canadians made when people
were really sick of the war—World War
Two, that is. People were dying in indus-
trial quantities. Fifty thousand nameless
guys going over the top and they fo-
cused on these romantic figures up there
in the airplanes and revived interest in
the war.

HELLER: Is this in the U.S. or France?
VONNEGUT: All fighter pilots. Everybody
loved Von Richthofen as much as any-
body else. It was, Who was going to get
him? My agent, incidentally, Ken Lit-
tauer, who is dead now, was Lieutenant
Colonel Littauer, who in military history
was the first man to strafe a trench. He

was a full colonel at the age of twenty-
two and he and Rickenbacker and Nord-
off and Hall were all in the Lafayeue
Flying Corps. They were the only guys
in the American Air Force who really
knew how to fly and fight. Littauer was
supposed to be just an observation guy,
out for artillery. He decided, “What the
hel! The object is to kill people.”
And he peeled off and I guess he had a
machine gun.

HELLER: It was fun in the beginning. We
were kids, nineteen, twenty years old,
and had real machine guns in our
hands. Not those things at the penny ar-
cades at Coney Island. You got the feel-
ing that there was something glorious
about it. Glorious excitement. The first
time 1 saw a plane on fire and para-
chutes coming down, I looked at it witha
big grin on my face. I was disappointed
in those early missions of mine where
nobody shot at us.

VONNEGUT: Morley Safer wrote about go-
ing in after B-52s dropped these enor-
mous bombs on an area suspected of
sheltering Viet Cong. He said the smell
was terrible, there were parts of human
bodies hanging in treetops. The poor pi-
lots don't usually see that.

HELLER: Air Force people don't see it. 1
didn’t realize until 1 read Paul Fussell’s
book on World War One that almost ev-
erybody who took my artillery shell or
bombing grenade was going to be dis-
membered, mutilated. Not the way it is
in the movies where somebody gets hit,
clutches his chest and falls down dead.
They are blown apart. Blown into pieces.
PLAYBOY: Is there a hidden agenda be-
hind our romance with war?

HELLER: American rulers are discovering
that the way to get instant popularity is
to go to war. I think if the Viemam war
had been over in a month or two, John-
son might still be President—and might
still be alive.

PLAYBOY: Do you think there's a relation-
ship between the CIA and the war?
VONNEGUT: I know Allen Ginsberg made
a bet with Richard Helms, who was the
head of the CIA. When the Vietnam war
was going on, Allen bet him his little
bronze dumbbell or some sacred object
that the CIA was in the drug business
and it would come out sooner or later.
Flying drugs in and out of East Asia. 1
don't know whether Allen won the bet or
what Helms was supposed to have given
him, but I’m sure it's true.

HELLER: There's one thing about being
involved in a drug trade. There's anoth-
er thing about being the drug trade.
PLAYBOY: Were we in Iraq and concen-
trating on foreign affairs to cover up
problems at home?

HELLER: Doing this last novel of mine, I
find that Thucydides filed the same
charge against Pericles in the war against
Sparta—to divert attention from allega-

tions of personal scandal. It's so much
casier than administering your country.
It’s also extremely dangerous because of
the temptation in a democracy.
VONNEGUT: It's also very bad ifthe enemy
shoots back.

HELLER: Well, you have to pick enemies
that won't. During the Spanish-Ameri-
can War, American casualties at Manila
Bay were four or seven. Panama was in-
structive to me because such a high per-
centage of the number of people who
went were either killed or wounded.
VONNEGUT: What was that island we at-
tacked before, with that long runway?
HELLER: Grenada.

VONNEGUT: Some of the first guys we
lost were SEALs. Because they were
dropped into the ocean and never heard
of again. Nobody knows what the hell
happened to them.

PLAYBOY: Let's switch to censorship. Are
you at all concerned about the govern-
ment's intrusion into our privacy?
HELLER: Do | think, for example, this guy
Pee-wee Herman should be arrested for
playing with himself in an adult theater?
vonnecur: Did he play to climax? I real-
ly haven't kept up with the news as I
should.

HELLER: But is that a crime? I would
say no.

VONNEGUT: 1 agree with Joe.

HELLER: We may have an aversion to the
idea of somebody's masturbating in a
theater or in a bathroom but so long as
he didn't call attention to himself—thar's
what we call exhibitionism.

VONNECUT: Thisis a huge country. There
are primitive tribes here and there who
have customs and moral standards of
their own. It's the way I feel about
religious fundamentalists. They really
ought to have a reservation. They have a
right to their culture and I can see where
the First Amendment would be very
painful for them. The First Amendment
is a tragic amendment because everyone
is going to have his or her feelings hurt
and your government is not here to pro-
tect you from having your feelings hurt.
PLAYBOY: What about the hurt being
done to women deprived of the freedom
of choice?

VONNEGUT: I think Bush is utterly insin-
cere on the abortion issue. He probably
feels about it the way most Yale gradu-
ates do. There's just political capital in
pretending to be concerned about abor-
tion. He doesn’t want to push it any
harder than he has to because he'd lose a
big part of the electorate.

HELLER: Even if he's pretending. I'm go-
ing to quote from the introduction of
Mother Night, "We are what we pretend
to be." If those people in government
arc only pretending to object to sex dis-
plays or abortion, the effect is the same
asif they were sincere.

PLAYBOY: Do you think Senator Helms is
pretending?

WS a 7 ав,

2
AN

VER

y OR
ID
COLLECTION

f you've been reluctant to purchase

sensual products through the mail,
we would like to offer you three

things that might change your mind.

1. We guarantee your privacy.

Everything weshipisplainly and securely

wrapped, with no cluetoits contents from

the outside. АШ transactions are strictly

confidential, and we never sell, rent or

trade any names.

2. We guarantee your satisfaction.

Ifa product is unsatisfactory simply re-

tum it for replacement or refund.

3. We guarantee that the product you

choose will keep giving you pleasure...

Should it malfunction, simply return it to

us for a replacement.

What is the Xandria Collection?

Tris a very special collection of sensual
products, including the finest and most
effective products fromaround the world.
It is designed for both the timid and the
bold. For anyone whose ever wished
there could be something more to their
sensual pleasures.

"The Xandria Gold Collection...
atributetoclosenessand communication.
Celebrate the possibilities for pleasure we
each have within us. Send for the Xandria
Collection Gold Edition Catalogue. It is
priced atjust$4.00, which isapplied in full
to your first order.

Witte today. You have absolutely noth-

ing to lose. Andan entirely new world of
enjoyment to gain.

me Xandria Collection, Dept. PB0592 ml
| Р.О. Box31039, San Francisco, CA 94131

Please send me, by fist dass mail the Xandria Collec- |
tion Gold Edition Catalogue. Enclosed is my check or
money order for $4.00 which will be applied towards
my first purchase. ($4US, CAN, £3 U.K)

Xandria, 874 Dubuque Ave, South San Francisco 94080
AAA er =

PLAYBOY

132

VONNEGUT: Yes. There are several famous
hypocrites in the South and he's surely
one of them. Like the Bible thumpers.
To айтас! a crowd.

PLAYBOY: Do you see him as a real threat?
VONNEGUT: He has a good many Chris-
Чап fundamentalist followers. So he is,
in fact, serving his constituents—and
they are not hypocrites, 1 would say. But
in that little railroad car that runs under
Congress, 1 rode with a guy who worked
for Helms, one of his assistants. This guy
was as hip and sane and liberal as any-
one. He simply had a job to do.

PLAYBOY: Let's turn to books. Are you
alarmed about the corporate role in
publishing?

HELLER: “Alarmed” is a strong word. I'm
aware of it and I don't think the effects
will be beneficial toward literature. As I
get older, I begin thinking that not only
are certain things inevitable, everything is
inevitable.

PLNBOY: How about censorship in pub-
lishing? What about when Simon and
Schuster decided not to publish a book
it had contracted for—Bret Easton El-
lis American Psycho—because of pressure?
HELLER: The allegation was made that
the decision came from the head of

Paramount [which owns Simon and
Schuster]. But the book was published. 1
don't think censorship is a widespread
threat in this country.

VONNEGUT: You can publish yourself.
During the McCarthy era, Howard Fast
published Spartacus. Sold it to the mov-
ies. Nobody would publish him because
he was a Communist.

PLAYBOY: Are writers supportive of one
another or resentful?

VONNEGUT: Writers aren't envious of one
another.

HELLER: We may be envious of the suc-
cess but not of one another.

VONNEGUT: Painters and poets can be
deeply upset by the good luck of a col-
league. Writers and novelists really don't
seem to give a damn

PLAYBOY: Are nonfiction writers more
jealous and envious of one another than
novelists?

VONNEGUT: I know one very close friend-
ship that ended when one guy was work-
ing on a book ard his best friend came in
right behind him.

PLAYBOY: Is it more difficult to get blurbs
for nonfiction than fiction because of
jealousy?

VONNEGUT: Blurbs are baloney. Anybody

У С оа

"You were right. It does make a nice change
to eat out occasionally... ."

who reads a blurb is crazy. Calvin Trillin
said that "anybody who gives a blurb
should be required right on the jacket
to reveal his relationship to the author."
It’s a good way to advertise. Keep your
name around.

HELLER: Thats one reason, but they
don't advertise as voluminously as they
used to do.

vonnecuT: When Alger Hiss wrote a
book—his most recent, his side of the
story—I wrote a blurb for it and I was
the only blurb on the book, Startling! I
thought other people would be on there
with me. Howard Fast or somebody. .. .
PLAYBOY: Did you ever review each oth-
er's books?

HELLER: No.

VONNEGUT: Yes. We hadn't known each
other very well. And then we were
neighbors out here and Joe had finally
written another book.

HELLER: That was 1974.

VONNEGUT: Since Something Happened was
only his second book, he was rather anx-
ious to find out who was reviewing it for
the Times.

HELLER: Im going to correct this impres-
sion when you finish.

VONNEGUT: It wasn't unethical at the be-
ginning of the summer because I really
didn't know him that well. But 1 spent
most of the summer writing the review
and I got to see more and more of Joc.
Who did they tell you was reviewing it
for the Times? You change the story.
HELLER: I knew fairly early you were do-
ing it because Irwin Shaw brought it out.
And I said, *You never should have told
me that." I knew enough about you to
know that you would not undertake it
unless you were going to write favorably
about it. Then I began to get anxious
about you and myself. Each time they
got word of a good review from some-
where else, I made it a point to tell you.
VONNEGUT: Talk about disinformation.
HELLER: I didn't want you to feel inhibit-
ed in your praise.

VONNEGUT: Was there anyone who really
tied a can to your tail? Anybody who re-
ally hated the book?

HELLER: There were reviewers who were
disappointed, because it was not another
Caich-22 and they expected it to be.
VONNEGUT: Well, Catch-22 was sort of a
fizzle when it first came out, wasn't it?
HELLER: Despite an advertising campaign
that has never been equaled or sur-
passed in terms of the number of ads.
VONNEGUT: Did Bertrand Russell praise
the book?

HELLER: He not only praised the book, he
had his secretary call me up and arrange
for us to meet. It was one of the few
thrilling encounters I've had in my life-
time. It's a long drive to Wales from
London. Russell was already ninety. And
he looked exactly like his photographs. 1
had that experience vith Venice the first

time I went to Venice. It looks exactly
like Venice. Paris doesn’t. London
doesn't. New York doesn’t. Venice looks
exactly like Venice and Bertrand Russell
looked exactly like Bertrand Russell.
VONNEGUT: I suppose it was the first un-
romantic book about the Air Force.
HELLER: I don't know about first. It's mot
a romantic book. It is romantic. 1 know
the underlying sentimental Phillip
Toynbee began a review of it with a para-
graph that embarrasses me still. He be-
gins listing the great works of satire in
the English language and he puts this
among them. I think he was the one who
said it was the first war book in which
fear and cowardice become a virtue.
PLAYBOY: So, who are the new Kurt Von-
neguts or Joe Hellers?

HELLER: Oh, I don't think there has been
anybody after us.

VONNEG Well, we haven't seen
Schwarzkopf's memoirs yet. [Laughs]
HELLER: You've got the name wrong.
Scheisskopf.

VONNEGUT: I remember Schwarzkopf's
father, a police commissioner in New
Jersey. Then he was the host on a radio
show called Gangbusters.

HELLER: Somebody told me his father
was also the head of the regional Selec-
tive Service department in New Jersey
and New York.

VONNEGUT: Four stars is a lot of stars.
That's all Pershing had was four stars.
HELLER: They didn't have five stars then.
Five stars was a rank in World War Two.
Boy: I had a little trouble when he
said that being under a missile attack was
mo more dangerous than being in a
thunderstorm.

VONNEGUT: His comment on the Scud, I
think, was that shooting down a Scud
was like shooting down a Goodyear
blimp, because these things are not very
fast or hard to hit. There was a story
in World War Two about a Dutch cruis-
er that escaped from the Nazis just as
they were occupying Holland. The ship
pulled into a fiord somewhere and put
on war paint, purple and green stripes,
and sailed into the Firth of Clyde, where
the British navy was anchored in Scot-
land, and the skipper of the
called to the flagship and asked, "How
like our new camouflage?" And
er that came back was "Where

are you
PLAYBOY: Is that true?

HE Гоша Vonnegut joke?

ылувоу: Do either of you read any con-
temporary writers?

Well, it's not like the medical
n where you have to find out
the latest treatments. I've been reading
Nietzsche.

HELLER: And I've been reading Thomas
Mann, I hesitate because maybe I'm
reading more difficult books to grasp
than nonfiction. Scientific books. Philos-

ophy, 1 would not be able to read rapid-
ly. I have a definite impression that I'm
reading more slowly than I used to.
VONNEGUT: There's no urgency about
reading anymore. We're not trying to
keep up. I have that big book by Mark
Helprin and I don't think I'm going to
read it because I'm too lazy.

PrAYBOY: What about Norman Mailer's?
vo That's none of your business.
Norman's a friend of mine.

HELLER: I intend to read it at one sitting.
I read contemporary writers.

PLAYBOY: Such as whom?

HELLER: It wouldn't be whom. It would
be a particular work. If the work is de-
scribed in a way I feel would be interest-
ing to me. Not enjoyable. Interesting. I
look into every galley I'm sent. I don't
have time to read them. Just the way I
don't get as many invitations to parties as
Kurt Vonnegut does.

Vonxectt: They've stopped coming.
Well, I'm reading Martin Amis.

HELLER: The last bool
VONNEGUT: It's a new one. The whole
thing runs backward. Time runs back-
It's very hard to follow.

I will read Julian Barnes's new
1 like Julian Barnes for reasons I
can't explain.

PLAYBOY: Any women?

HELLER: You have to name some.

PLAYBOY: Ann Beattie.

I've read Ann Beattie,

VONNEGUT: | read Margaret Atwood's
The Handmaid's Tale and thought it was
terrific. I wrote her a fan letter. Joe said
one time in an interview or somewhere
that people in advertising are better
read and wittier than most novelists.
HELLER: Ànd most academics. That was
my experience when Catch-22 came out.
PLAYBOY: What is your favorite book of

He hasn't written enough to
choose from.

HELLER: There's no answer that would be
convincing and satisfying.

voxxeeur: You know about the frog-
and-peach restaurant? Well, there are
four things on the menu. You can have a
frog. You can have a peach. You can
have a frog stuffed with a peach or a
peach stuffed with a frog. When you ask
what is my favorite of Heller's, you don't
have a very long menu. [ have gone
the extra mile with Joe. I have seen We
Bombed in New Haven performed at Yale.
Not many people can say that.

HELLER: More at Yale than on Broadway.
I used to think Catch-22 was my best nov-
el until I read Kurt's review of Something
Happened. Now I think Something Hap-
pened is.

PLAYBOY: What is your favorite book of

Oh, I don't like any of his works.
I just give blurbs to his books so we can
remain friends.

voxxEGUr: I'm sure Joe doesn’t mind
this being discussed. It takes him a while
to write a book. He might be a difierent
author in each case because he's a de-
cade older. Nietzsche says the philoso-
pher's view of the world makes his rep-
utation and he doesn't change it. It
reflects how old he was then. Plato's phi-
losophy is the philosophy of a man
thirty-five.

PLAYBOY: You're writing a movie, we
hear.

VONNEGUT: Yes, with Steven Wright.
HELLER: Boy, I'd love to write a movie
script.

rLavsov: Why don't you collaborate?
HELLER: Take me as a secret collaborator?
Pay me just enough to qualify for the
medical plan of the Writers' Guild.
VONNEGUT: It’s hack work. I just got in-
terested in Steven Wright. He was out
here and stayed with me for a couple of
days. You know who he
jot really.

от: He has sort of the build of a

VONNES
Woody Allen and that melancholy and
he doesn't know what the hell he's going
to say next. And so you're listening and

finally he says it, but he never says where
he is from, what he is. He is in fact a Ro-
man Catholic. Most people assume he's
Jewish. But he's very smart not to say,
"I'm from Boston." He's very hot on the
college circuit. He gets fifteen thousand
dollars an appearance and he does fifty
a year.

HELLER: Are you being paid for the
screenplay?

VONNEGUT: I'm doing it on spec. But I
won't show it to them until they pay me.
»Lavnov: What about Hollywood?
HELLER: I love it. I don't work that much
and I will accept every offer I get. I love
going to Hollywood because I know peo-
ple there. When 1 go there, somebody
else is always paying the expenses.
VONNEGUT: How do you know people
there?

HELLER: Almost every friend I had on the
Island moved out there after the war.
Then my nephew was out there working
for Paramount TV.

PLAYBOY: Kurt, we gather you're less en-
thralled in dealing with Hollywood.
VONNEGLT: No. There are two novelists
who should be very grateful to Holly-
wood. Margaret Mitchell is one and I'm
the other one.

HELLER: Thelma & Louise is the first mo
I've seen in years. I liked it. Well, a year
ago 1 saw that Italian film Cinema Par-
adiso. 1 usually don't like the movies.
PLAYBOY: Did it bother you that in Thelma
€ Louise the heroines killed a man?
HELLER: No. It doesn't bother me when
they kill cowboys or Indians. It's only the
movies. There are so many movies
where the woman turns out to be the
murderess. I didn't see it as a movie with
any kind of morality. It was a movie

133

PLAYBOY

about two women who get into trouble.
PLAYBOY: Does a movie like Thelma &
Louise indicate a change in the culture?
VONNEGUT: You have forgotten that we
are so old we are contemporaries of
Bonnie and Clyde and of Ma Barker.
She was the head of the family. We know
about some really rough women.
PLAYBOv: Bonnie still followed Clyde,
didn't she?

HELLER: You're not asking us about wom-
en. You're asking us about characters in
motion pictures.

PLAYBOY: At the recent St. John's [rape]
trial in New York, one of the jurors wore
a T-shirt that read, UNZIP MY FLY. What is
that all about?

VONNECUT: I don't know, but it's a very
popular T-shirt.

PLAYBOY: Where is that coming from?
VONNEGUT: A T-shirt factory, obviously.
PLAYBOY: Why would someone want to
wear that?

VONNEGUT: Joe and I had a publisher in
England for a while and his fly was al-
ways unzipped.

pıAysoY: Does sex get better when
you're older?

HELLER: Does what?

PLAYBOY: Does it get better when you're
older or not?

HELLER: I don't know. I haven't had it
since I was young.

voNNEGUT: I don't know if he's kidding
or not.

HELLER: Oh, I've had no sex as an adult.
VONNEGUT: He's a comedian.

PLAYBOY: Well, what about you, Kurt?
Does sex get better when you get older?
VONNEGUT: You get to be a better lover.
HELLER: I find I’m much more virile now
than I was.

PLAYBOY: More what?

HELLER: More potent. I want to do it
more often than when 1 was seventeen
or eighteen.

PLAYBOY: Why don't you guys write more
explicitly about sex and its emotional
trappings?

HELLER: More explicitly than what? You
keep projecting. You keep attaching
emotional reactions to sexual reactions.
Earlier you used the words "love" and
"sex" and now you're suggesting emo-
tional reactions to sex. By emotional I'm
sure you mean something different from
the sensory responses.

PLAYBOY: Well, emotions are different
from senses.

HELLER: I don't think there is a necessary
correlation between emotional respons-
es and sex.

PLAYBOY: Didn't D. Н. Lawrence write
about emotions?

HELLER: That was the content of his ar-
ustic or literary consciousness. I don't
think writers have a choice, by the way. I
think we discover a field in which we can
be proficient and that's our imagination.
My imagination cannot work like Kurt's

"He thinks he's God's gift to women!"

and I don't think his can work like mine.
Neither of us could write like Philip
Roth or Norman Mailer. 1 know John
Updike has a lot of tales ofthe sexual en-
counter. And I suppose there are writers
who can do it and will do it and want to
do it.

rLAvBov: Henry Miller?

HELLER: What you get there is the raw
activity.

PLAYBOY: Anais Nin?

VONNEGUT: I haven't read the porn she
wrote. If you have an attractive man and
woman coming together, the reader is
going to want to see them do it or find
out why they didn't do it. And so you
can't talk about anything else. The ex-
ample 1 use is Ralph Ellison's Invisible
Man. It’s about this black guy who is
looking for comfort and enlightenment
somewhere in American society. It's a pi-
caresque novel. If he ever ran into a
woman who really loved him and he
loved her, that would be the end of the
book. It would be as short as my books.
And Ellison has to keep him away from
women.

HELLER: I must say, for me, it doesn't nor-
mally make good literature. Fiction
ingextensive detail about the gymnastics
of copulation or sexual congress—or
even the alleged responses to it—does
not make interesting reading to me. It's
like trying to describe the noise of a sub-
way train. There are people who can do
it. Young writers go in for that type of
description. But when they're finished,
all they've done is described the noise of
a subway train coming into a station or
pulling out of a station. Is that the no-
blest objective of a work of fiction? To
convince the reader that what you're
writing about is really happening? 1
don't think so.

PLAYBOY: Isaac Bashevis Singer said, "In
sex and love, human character is re-
vealed more than anywhere else."
VONNECUT: He is liable to say anything to
be interesting. He entertains in that way.
Do you know what he said about free
will? "We have no choice."

HELLER: Thar's not been proved. I would
not agree with that. The same two peo-
ple could have come together sexually
numerous times and it could be a differ-
ent experience and the person's charac-
ter doesn't change from copulation to
copulation.

PLAYBOY: But one gets to know the other
better with increased copulation.
HELLER: I don't think so.

VONNEGUT: Well, this is the French theo-
ry of the golden key.

HELLER: You learn more at lunch than
you do in the meeting before. In phone
conversations.

VONNEGUT: Nietzsche had a little one-lin-
er on how to choose a wife. He said,
you willing to have a conversation with
this woman for the next forty years?"
"That's how to pick a wife.

meten If people were more widely
read, th marriages.
VONNEGUT © you all the money
thats left after the divorce if you can get
me a film clip of Frank Sinatra making it
with Nancy Reagan. I think that is the
funniest damn thing.

Praynoy: In the White House?
VONNEGUT: 1 don't care where. Those
two scrawny people.

тлдүвоү: Have you read Kitty Kelley?
VONNEGUT: Sure. Parts of it. Joe gets all
those books. And I just leaf through
them. About the Kennedys or about any
scandal.

HELLER: | didn't look at it.

тлүвоу: Why do you think we're so in-
terested in scandal?

VONNEGUT: Just because it's in the pa-
pers. The same way we pretend to be in-
terested in sports, a way to say hello toa
stranger. "What did you think of the sec-
ond game of the World Series? What did
you think of this? What do you think of
the Super Bowl?” lts a way of saying
hello.
ШҮ

1 agree with him. I have a slight,
diminishing taste for gossip and for
scandal. If you're talking about the most
teresting things in the newspapers, 1
think our news reporting is abominable.
There shouldn't be daily papers. Maybe
once a week they ought to publish.
vonxecur: John E. Kennedy was off the
scale. He was a freak! I mean, he was in
the Guinness Book of Records for the num-
ber of women he screwed, apparently.
HELLER: I would have liked him a lot
more if I had known at the time what
was going on
PLAYBOY: Why is a man respected for
having many sexual relationships and a
woman disrespected or scorned?
meten: The explanation would be the
terrible fears of impotency men have
and the jealousy that's concomitant with
that. Mark Twain says that the only rea-
son the Bible was against adultery was to
keep the woman from screwing someone
else. His explanation is that a man is like
acandle and he’s going to burn out, and
the woman is like a candlestick and she
can hold a million candles.
rLavñov: But women also scorn women
who have had many sexual experiences.
Heiter: Women with bad reputations
can be attractive to a man. They are to
me. But a wife or a daughter like that
would be a terrible embarrassment to me.
VONNEGUT: Joe's got the Freudian expla-
nation. | think that men can't help sus-
pecting that women are stronger and
better people than they are and they
learn that from their mother. I would
agree with that
Do you think younger women
r than older women?
VONNEGUT: No.
HELLER: T agree with Kurt.
VONNEGUT: 1 taught at lowa for a year

and there were a whole lot of blondes
because of our Scandinavian pop-
n. I was not interested in these un-
dergraduate girls at all

HELLER: Even when I was young, 1 found
older women more attractive than
young girls.

PLAYBOY: Is there anyone for whom you
lust in your heart?

voxxEGUT: My goodness!

HELLER: Madonna. Madonna.
VONNEGUT: Joe mentioned one of Artie
Shaw's wives. Seemed to me the sexiest

woman I ever saw was Ava Gardner.
HELLER: Kathleen Winsor was pretty hot.
VONNEGUT: Rita Hayworth. I took it hard
when she came down with Alzheimer's.
pLayuoy: Joe, were you serious about
Madonna?

HELLER: No.

"Lor: Who's going to win the Demo-
cratic nomination?

HELLER: I have a feeling it might be me.
PLAYBOY: You? Are you going to vote for
yoursel!
Vonnecur: He will have to register first.
neuer: I'd register and I'd pose. I
would if I ran.

pLavsor: Kurt, would you vote for Joc?
VONNEGUI: Certainly. It’s a figurehead
job in any case.

HELLER: I'd run on two issues. And I be-
lieve Га win. The first would be, as Pres-
ident of the federal government, I would
take no steps whatsoever to interfere
with a woman's right to terminate a
pregnancy. The second is I would And
some way to institute a national health
program in this country. Don't ask me
where the money s going to come from,
I will find a way to do it.

vr: The big difference between
ives and liberals is that killing
doesn't seem to bother the conservatives
at all. The liberals are chickenhearted
about people dying. Conservatives
thought that the massacre, the killing, of
so many people in Panama was OK. I
think they're really Darwinians. 105 all
right that people are starving to death
on the streets because that's the nature
of work.

HELLER: Western civilization has made a

pact with the Devil. I think the story of
Faust has to do with Western ci ion.
You might say white civilization. The

Devil or God said, “I'll give you knowl-
edge to do great things. But you're go-
ing to use that Knowledge to destroy the
environment and to destroy yoursel
You mentioned Darwin. I think what
we're experiencing now is the natural
state of evolution. Half the society is un-
derprivileged and maybe a third of the
rest is barely ng. The trouble with
the Administration is that it doesn't want
to deal with the problem. It doesn't want
10 define it as a problem because then it
will have to deal with it.

E
Н

Disposables, Soft Contacts,

Gas Permeable Lenses, elc.

CALL TOLL FREE FOR
AMERICA'S BEST PRICES!

1/800-2 VISION
1-800/284-7466

| 100% Guaranteed „шт CHARGE I
20 Years of Service шшш

| Orders Shipped within 6 Hours

1 Call today for our free color brochure with all the details! гг

1 1009 E. 40th Street #301 Austin, Texas 78751

- = arms m d

STOP SWEAT
6 WEEKS /

DRIONIC* — the heavy sweater's UNDERARMS
answer to costly, embarrassing — — — 4
Sweat. Electronic treatment gives y
Ө weeks dryness. Reusable, eco- $
nomical & dependable. Safe & ef- £
fective say 10 medical books. Try =
doctor recommended Drionic for *
sweat control unequaled by any (a
other method. To order, specify
underarms, hands or feet and send
$125. ea. pair. CA res. + 71% tax.
45 DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
GENERAL MEDICAL CO., Dept. PB-43
1935 Armacost Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90025
Phone orders — MC/Visa — 1-800 HEAL DOC

HANDS

FEET

CABLE TV CONVERTERS
How You Can Save Money
on Cable Rental Fees

„ы —
Jerrold, Pioneer, Scientific Atlanta
FREE 20 page Catalog/Best Prices

30 Day Money Back Guarantee
Сай Toll Free Mon-Fri: 9-6 est
1-800-772-6244 Ext.5335
US Cable TV Ine. Dept. 5335
AY00N. Powerline Rd., FS Beach, FL 33073

135

PLAYS OY

136

LONE STAR STUNNER

(continued from page 96)
on me,” Vickie admits, “so I've leaned
in the other direction, almost never say-
ing no to Daniel and spoiling him a lot.
Still, he doesn't take too much advantage

Other people, she says. sometimes
have. “I'm such a soft touch and so trust-
ing that people—not just men—tend to
use me.” That worries some people, no
tably David, the brother to whom she's
closest. "He's always been my protector,
and now he's an FBI agent!” She consid-
ered getting a watchdog but figures her
cat, Booger, her cockatoo, Gizmo, and
her Vietnamese potbellied pig, a female
inexplicably named Madison, are about
all the wildlife she can handle in addition
to her rambunctious little boy

Ivs an unusually cold day for Texas,
but the sunshine blasting through the
windows is too compelling to resist, espe-
cially after wecks of rain that have
turned this area of Houston into a bog

"s go roller-blading,” Vickie sug-
gi I'm a good skater, but this is sup-
posed to be a lot harder,” she warns.
Pulling off her black cowboy boots, she
straps on brand-new Flash Gordonesque
bluc-and-whi In ght blue
jeans and a denim jacker, she's ready to
brave the cold and the conci

At first, this long, tall Texan is as wob-
bly as a newborn colt. Twenty feet from
her doorstep, her feet fly out from un-
der her and Vickie's trimly upholstered
behind hits the pavement with a re-
sounding whump! But seconds later, grin-
ning. she pulls herself up by her skate
straps and glides gracefully down the
street and right onto a broad boulevard.
blonde ponytail billowing behind her
Traffic slows down noticeably as a succes-
sion of rubbernecking good old boys
hoot and holler at the sight of this Ama-
zonian urban cowgirl whizzing past like
a fantasy on fast forward. Clearly, this
girl is on a roll.

te.

“Oh, he knows he lost. He's just reminding a few staunch

supporters that he's had a vasectomy.

AUTOMOTIVE REPORT

(continued from page 84)
power is needed.

In contrast, the brawny Viper RT/10
hasso much low-end torque that you can
comfortably steer it with the throttle in
third and fourth gears. Barely turn the
wheel, case down on the gas and the
Viper readily changes direction, provid-
ed you've done everything very care!
ly. Although the Viper has six forward
gears, you'll find the top two aren't real-
ly necessary. At 2000 rpm in sixth, you'll
be doing an effortless, but impractical,
100 mph.

Both the RX-7 and the Viper are
in their clement on winding roads. We
tested the Mazda in North Carolina's
Blue Ridge Mountains; the Viper on the
Los Angeles Crest Highway. The Maz-
da's crisp steering, with its relatively
light but firm feel, needs close attention.
Skilled drivers will appreciate the new-
ly redesigned wishbone suspension. Al-
though the RX-7 is stiffly sprung, the
ride is supple. Toss the RX-7 into a tight
turn; the suspension takes a firm set and
the little coupe tracks neatly At the
Charloue Motor Speedway, coming off
the high bank at 135 mph, the Mazda
was surefooted and predictable.

"The Viper, on the other hand, should
be stecred as if one were aboard a fast
motorcycle, using soft pressure on the
wheel, letting the V-10's awesome torque
power you through all but the tightest
turns. Do anything quickly in this car
and you'll lose it, as we found out in a
decreasing-radius turn at the Willow
Springs Raceway.

If you're looking for a great all-
around sports car at a fairly reasonable
price, the new RX-7 merits strong con-
sideration. The Viper, of course, is any-
thing but an all-around car. If you live
up North, you wouldn't drive it in the
winter and you probably wouldn't drive
it to work, either. But on a sunny day
vith the top down and an open road
zad, few cars can match the rush that
comes from goosing this snake. Remem-
ber, you only go around once.

In addition to testing the RX-7 and
the Viper, Playboy has been talking to
car-company executives, checking out
show cars and driving other new model
Beginning with U.S. automakers, here's
a rundown on the companies that we
think are on track—and off.

GENERAL MOTORS

Off Track: Despite personnel cuts and
plant closings, GM remains too bloated
and carries too many dealerships. Losses
last year averaged a half billion dollars
per month in North America, produc-
tion stood at around 60 percent of ca-
pacity and major opportunities continue
to be missed. For example, the company
recently presented several key new mod-
els—the Buick Skylark, Pontiac Grand

Am and Olds Achieva—without air bags.
1t also belatedly responded to Chrysler's
best-in-class minivans by introducing
what auto experts have coined "the dust-
busters" because of their shape: Chevy's
Lumina, Pontiacs Trans Sport and
Oldsmobile's Silhouette, all of which are
selling poorly.

Chevrolet had inexplicably restyled
the LT1 Corvette to look much like the
limited-production ZRI, a move that
threatened the ZRI with extinction and
infuriated Corvette loyalists who paid a
hefty premium for the exclusive model.

While some Pontiac models, such as
the new Bonneville, are externally at-
tractive, their dashboard controls ap-
pear 10 have been designed by GM em-
ployees who never talked to one another.
T's time for a cleaner, less cluttered look

The $3 billion Saturn project was
GM's response to the imports—particu-
larly the Honda Ci Unfortunately,
start-up delays and production bottle-
necks resulted in dated styling. When
Saturn finally hit the market, its actual
foe was the significantly improved 1
Civic. Consequently, instead of luring
Honda buyers it ended up Gk
some sales away from Chevy's Geo. The
latest prediction is that Saturn will never
break even.

Oldsmobile is foundering, too. When
Cutlass became the country's best seller
(with as many as 13 different Cutlass var-
iations in one year), Olds went for the
numbers, losing its idenuty—and the
sales crown—to Honda. On the plus side,
the division's Eighty Eight Royale LS is
selling well and the new Achieva is ar-
guably GM's best-looking new small car.

Lastly, GM's position as the forerun-
ner in the development of electric cars is
under fire. While industry insiders de-
scribe the company's commitment to en-
ergy-saving electrics as "lukewarm," CM
brass argues that even if it does build
electri owered, zero-emission vehicles,
no one will buy them. After all, they say,
takers for Geo Metro's 50-miles-per-gal-
lon coupes are few.

On Track: Buick was the only American
make to register a sales increase last year.
This success began three years ago,
when Buick redefined itself as a builder
of mature, powerful American са
J. D. Power quality ratings followed.
did a new selection of desirable wheels,
such as the classy Park Avenue Ultra, the
reborn (and affordable) Roadmaster, the
peppy new Regal and the neatly re-
shaped LeSabre.

Cadillac's 1992 Sevilles and Eldorados
are sparking a turnaround. Drivers who
wouldn't have considered owning a Cad-
illac a few years ago are now checking
out Sevilles, While not yet autonomous,
direction from
zation a few
years back. It’s pushing models upmar-
ket and we think it finally has what it
takes to go head-to-head with Japanese

luxury cars. Worth waiting for: the 1993
Seville, which will come equipped with
the highly touted 32-valve Northstar УВ
and upgraded suspension.

FORD

Off Track: Ford's multimillion-dollar
Taurus restyling is so conservative, you
have to look closely to tell a 1992 model
from one made in 1991. Reportedly,
Ford's top management pressured de-
signers to keep it “safe.” They're paying
the price in reduced sales, which may
only get worse when Chrysler's dramatic
1993 LH sedans hit the streets this fall,

Other Ford mistakes: The newest Es-
cort engineered in conjunction with
Mazda, needs an update. Sales of the
new Crown Vi

nt have lu-
crative police and t kages ready in
1991, as Chevrolet did with the Caprice.

Lincolns are so decply discounted for
fleet and rental programs that they're
losing prestige. Ford's Crown Victoria,
built on the same platform as Lincoln's

Jar, is a remarkable value and
are choosing it instead.
It's rumored that Lincoln's 1993 Mark 8
will be an exceptional car.

On Track: Ford sold 250,000. Explorer
sports utilities, clobbering Jeep's aging
Cherokee. Offroad motoring isn't the
Explorer's real forte (because of its long
wheelbase), but people who never ven-
ture far from the highw ke the stat
ment this handsome ti kes. Ford
will also be back on track with its great-
looking, totally restyled 1993 Probe.

Lastly, Mercury is holding its own,
thanks to the Grand Marquis and the
Capri convertible—which, surprisingly,
has been outselling Mazda's Miata

CHRYSLER

On Track: Capitalizing on its stream-
lined product-development teams,
Chrysler has proudly unveiled its st
ning new LH sedan series. The Chrysler
Concorde, Dodge Intrepid and Eagle
Vision all share the shorter of two wheel-
ses (comparable to Buick's LeSabre
and the Olds Eighty Eight). But the ex-
citing entry is the bigger New Yorker, a
sleekly chiseled sedan with a road pres-
ence that even Jaguar would be proud to
offer. Over and above the dramatic, cab-
forward styling and roomy interiors,
LHs boast dual air bags and spirited
200-hp. 3.5-liter V6 engines.

There's also good news for sports-
ity fans. Jeep is challenging the Ford E:
plorer with the all-new я
This bigger, more luxu
first in its class to off г
bag and four-wheel ABS brakes as stan-
dard. Coming soon: a reborn Grand
Wagoneer with a powerful V8 engine.

AMERICAN AUTOMC

On Track: Goody
world's brands. Whil

E EXCELLENCE

tires top the
le vou'd expect to

Panty of tbe

Montb.
I- 71 8-P-A-N-T-I-E-S

118-726-8437 or 212-606-3780

Searching for
Hard-To-Find Videos

Critics’ Choice
Video Search Line”

1-900-370-6500

($1.95 for the first minute,
$.95 each additional minute)

There are more than 35,000 titles available
on video cassette! We can find almost any
title you want if it's out on video.

You can request specific tiles, stars, or sub-
ject matter. We will research your request and
call you back (this call is on us!) within 1-2
weeks. The decision to buy—or not to
buy—is yours. There's no obligation.

Call our Video Search Professionals, Mon.-
Fri. 8:00-5:00 CT. Cost of the call is $1.95 for
the first minute and 5.95 each additional
minute. And when you order a video through
the Video Search Line, you get а $500 dis-
count coupon good for your next order from
Crities' Choice Video catalog, featuring
2,000-plus titles.

Dont forget to ask fora free catalog.

ө (Source Cole 29105)

PLAYBOY

138

best U.S. rubber on a Corvette,
original equipment on
Por eie, Mercedes, Lotus, Toyota and
Lexus. (Playboy's Car of the Year, the

find thig

gle GS-Ds.) The
ity any tire. The fact that they choose
Goodyear tells you something.

Several other U.S. firms also produce
world-class products. General Motors’
smooth Hydra-matic transmissions are
used by Rolls-Royce, Mercedes, Jaguar
and BMW. AC-Delco's climate-control
systems, considered by many to be the
best in the world, are popular with
importers.

EUROPEAN MAKES

Every European automaker lost sales
here in 1991. For Porsche and Jaguar,
whose sales dropped nearly 50 percent.
it was disastrous. Obviously. the reces-
sion was partly responsible. So were lu
ury taxes.

Off Track: Rolls-Royce and Bentley,
two big-ticket cars that were hit especial-
ly hard by luxury taxes, are attempting
to fight back. Bentley is offering its new
$260,000 Conunental К, and Rolls is fol-
vith a $310,000 Silver Spur IL
Touring Limousine. Lotsa luck.

Volkswagen, currently Europe's most
successful car company, remains stalled
in the States, Its new EuroVan fails to
match Chrysler and Japanese competi-
tors in styling and refinements and, at
525,000, the V6 Corrado SLC is over

priced. One model that could make a big
mpact, though, is the redesigned 1993
Golf.

On Track: Audi's restyled, sporty 172-
hp 100 CS is a spirited performer that
holds its own against the Acura Legend
and Mazda's 929. It also unveiled its
new Quattro Spyder, a mid-engined con-
cept car th ald Porsche. And
Audi's all-aluminum experimental са
the Avus Quattro W-12 (a 12.
ine with three banks of four
ders each) foretells future lightwe
all-alloy sedans from Ingolstadt.

Responding to increased pressure
from the Japanese, BMW was smart to
offer its hot new 3-Series coupes and
seda the mid-$20,000s. The compa-
ny is also showing a battery-powered
commuter car, the El, which has a 150-
mile range and a 75-mph top speed.
And overseas, BMW offers a bounty to
German customers who return high-
mileage conventional cars to the factor
for disposal. More than 75 percent ofa
BMW's parts are recyclable. Look for
other makers to adopt this responsible
trend soon,

Ford Motor Company paid $2.5 bil-
lion for Jaguar. Although profits are not
expected for some time, Ford's brass
knows that Jaguar has the name, cachet
and staying power needed for a luxury
nameplate. Look for a mid-Nineties ge
eration of well-built, elegant and innova-
tive Jaguars. Meanwhile, Ford rushed an
Dag into production for Jag's vencra-

209

"Let's just say you're the wrong man at the right time."

ble XJ6. Subtle updates on the XJS
coupe may help hold the line, too.

With the exception of the poorly
timed and pricey S-Class sedan and
6OOSEC (from $69,000 to $127,000, and
$150,000, respectively), Mercedes-Benz
is reacting wisely to market pressures by
lowering overall costs, decentralizing
sales operations and offering enticing
lease plans. It has also rushed its own
Lexus-hghter, the V8-powered 400E, in-
10 production.

Known for matching cach drop in the
deutsche mark with an upward price ad-
justment, Porsche dramatically lowered
prices on its new 968 to below the c
cal $40,000 level. Its offering financ-
ing, and talking about a new entry-level
Porsche in two years.

Troubled by U.S. economic woes, up-
scale Range Rover is planning to boost
sales by importing 500 Land Rover De-
fender 110%. First introduced in 1983,
the updated version boasts a V8 engine.
a full roll cage and everything you need
to go on а safari. At under $40,000,

Range Rover claims most of the models
are already spoken for.

Volvo has returned to its basic val-
ues—reliability and safety. Its newest

900-Series cars are unlikely to win styl-
‘ds, but they're built like battle
th improved side-impact protec-
tion system and reinforced frontand-
rear crumple zones. Traditionally es-
pousing rear-wheel drive, Volvo will
soon offer the 850 GLT: a mid-luxury
front-wheel-drive model.

On Track, But at What Cost? Saab's 1991
sales dropped less than any other Euro-
pean carmaker's here, largely because of
aggressive discounting. Now half owned
by GM, Saabs in the future will likely in-
corporate some Opel components. But
GM's planners say they won't mess with
the rambunctious spirit that makes a
Saab a Saab.

JAPANESE MODELS

Off Track: A current U.S. government
investigation is lool ato allegations
that Toyota and la have bees
dumping minivans—selling them here
for less than they sell comparable units
in Japan. European carmakers are now
advocating a dumping investigation of
the burgeoning Japanese luxury-car
business in the States.

In a separate legal matier, Honda has
been accused of misrepresenting the
percentage of North Ames contents
in its Canadian-built cars. That inves-
tigation is still pending.

Meanwhile, Honda's Acura
may have stubbed its toc on the Vigor.
The car has a generic Honda shape and
i's negatively affecting the sales of the
Integra and the now-more-expensive
Legend. Sales of the $60,000 NSX sports
car have also tapered off.

Nissan makes some great cars—
the 300ZX, the 2408X (soon to be

sion

convertibles), the Ma a, and a great
new minivan, the Quest, to name a few.
In addition, its FEV experimental elec-
tric car probes the limits of battery tech-
nology, offering a 40 percent recharge in
six minutes and a full charge in 15 mii
utes. Still, the auton т remains a y
kept secret, Analysts claim the corporate
name change from Datsun blurred Nis-
m's image. In the war for market share,
you can't just build and race great cars,
people have to know you're doing it.
That's Nissan's challenge.

Daihatsu has become the first Japa-

It of competi

The Honda Accord i:
the top-selling nameplate in Amer
and a target for every mass competitor.
Whats new, then? Honda has greatly
improved the Civic, and the res g
gressively powered Prelude may finally
Shed its Quaalude nickname.

Isuzu's 1991 sales nearly tripled from
the previous year. Credit for this success
goes to the Stylus, a hot performer with
ined suspension. The newest

and a fashionable, rounder lool

Lexus’ : SC 400 handily out-
sold all competing luxury coupes in its
first abbreviated year. The Lexus divi-
sion continues on track with the attrac-
B е ES 300 sport sedan. And likel

As the world's first digital cordless phone, the Tropez 900 DX can
lengthen any conversation. Because the 900 DX lets you roam

farther than any cordless phone. And you get noise-free, digital

Lexus sedan that's slightly smaller than
an LS 400 yet has all the snap of a big
German sporting four-door.

Mazda looks s
its sexy V6-engined M
updated 626s. Sportiness, innovation
and individuality help Mazda stand out.
The company's philosophy—There's a
bit of the Miata in every Mazda —helps,
too. In the near future, look for Mazda
to move into luxury markets with
Amati division à promises a pair of
luxury sedans that push enthusiasts"
hot button:

Mitsubishi recently sold its one mil-
lionth U.S. vehicle, bought a car-rental
company and established its own finance
arm. In addition, Mitsubishi's newest
Montero is a handsome reincarnation of
a sport utility that's found many friends.
ide from an understated engine (151
horsepower is barely enough for a two-
ton truck), the nicely appointed Mon-
tero is a winner.

Nissans luxury division, Infiniti, is
finally on track. Its new J30 sport sedan
is the latest entry in a rapidly expanding
class of mid-luxury contenders battling
in the under-$35,000 bracket. The sty
ing of Infiniti cars, says designer Gerry
Hirshberg, “fights the tyranny of the
wedge.” Infiniti leans more toward Eu-
ropean makes in its positioning and road
feel than Lexus does. We like Subaru's

Spey Dightal The uat ТН in Сиа Phones

reception every step of the way. You also get a speakerphone, 2-way
intercom, and a 20- channel auto-select. To shut out unwanted

interference, the 900 DX randomly selects one of 65,000 security
codes each time you pick up the phone. And for ultimate privacy, the

900 DX features voice encryption. These are just a few of the features
that make the 900 DX the ultimate conversation piece. No matter
where the conversation happens to take you.

SOM

VTECH Communications, Beaverton, OR 1-800-624-5688

nal windo
should set a new styling

Hurt by the Samu
are down. But the Side!
vader (available now), and the
a compact passenger car, comes
and four-door versions.

Toyota's lavish new Camry threatens
Honda's Accord in the top-selling indi-
vidual nameplate competition.

Korea's Hyundai, the company that
brought us the hot little Scoupe and the
well-made Elantra, unveiled a sizzling
HCD-1 prototype two-seater that stole
the a
this 150-hp. twin AB:
roadster for less than $15,000 in two
Hyundai will be headed in a new
direction.

This year will be a critical one for the
automotive industry. So far, the light at
the end of the recessionary tunnel is dim
at best. While we wait for signs of eco-
nomic recovery, Japanese automakers
are likely to experience further poli
pressures as "Buy American" sentiment
spreads. But their U.S. counterparts
the real challenge: to prove to the
ican people that they are building cars
that are as good —if not better—than the

imports.

PLAYBOY

140

(continued from page 112)

“This game has spent 147 years scratching the surface
of its surprises. No one sees its future.”

small-market Twins follow the small-
ket Reds to the top of the world.

When a complex, lucky game is played
as exper gue baseball is now
played, g can happen. A vital

game can turn, as one did at Dodger Sta-
dium last fall, on a snapped bat that
s toward the shortstop and slaps the
ball away from him.

That’s why wonders nev
why we have had three stunning, unpre-
dictable World Series in foi rk
Gibson's Dodgers over the unbeatable
As in 1088. The Reds in a sweep over
the unbeatable As in 1990. The Cinder-
ella Twins and Cinderella Braves fighting
over the glass slipper last year. The lone
recent exception, 1989's sweep of the Gi-
ants by the unbeatable АУ, was perfectly
predictable. Except for the earthquake.

The Reds and Mets will probably go to
the post as N.L. favorites. I picked them
last year, along with probable 1992 A.L.
favor and and Toronto. (1 have
the gift of pre-prescience: calling pen-
nant races a year early. Who else forecast
the Reds-A’s 1990 World Series in
19897) Doing so would presume that
baseball makes sense, so 1 won't,

Cincinnati has moved Eric Davis, re-
placing him with center fielder Dave
Martinez and the team has added two
fine pitchers, Tim Belcher and Greg

Swindell. The Reds rotation is now the
envy of the league. What those who love
them forget is that they have no cleanup
hitter and no bull-pen smoker if Rob
Dibble (a) is as hittable as last year's sec-
ond half suggests, or (b) goes berserk,
kills a few fans and joins Pete Rose on
Fay Vincent's enemies list. Bumping the
Reds aside in the West, I am out on a
limb with San Diego, looking for help
from three potentially superb Padres
starters, Andy Benes, Bruce Hurst and
Greg Harris.

The Mets signed Bobby Bonilla to play
left field. They got Bret Saberhagen and
an infielder for two good hitters, Gregg
jelleries and Kevin McReynolds. They
may be surprised 10 see Saberhagen
pitch Elliot Ness-style—untouchably—
while Bonilla, Vince Coleman and
Howard Johnson play the outfield soc-
cer-style. The better-balanced Pirates,
who can pick up the ball and throw it,
deserve to win.

The Yankees kept Danny Tartabull,
the hot stove league's top free agent,
from making a difference. They signed
him to hit 35 homers for a fifth-place
club. The Blue Jays addressed an impor-
tant s hero
new number-one arm.
Morris’ 13th-straight inau-
gural start, a record. Last year, he

redefined the concept of starter by start-
ing opening day, the All-Star game. the
play-offs and World Series. The Jays also
got Dave Winfield, the die-harder D.H.

Boston fell short in the bidding for
Morris and settled for Frank Viola, the
poster boy for elbow trouble. Once un-
able, Viola may spend 1992 watching
change-ups bounce off the Green
Monster at Fenway. Baltimore unveils
Camden Yards, the best new ballpark
since the one Ruth built, plus a healthy
Glenn Davis, but the O's have only one
reliable pitcher: closer Gregg Olson. De-
troit hasn't had a reliable pitcher since
Jack Mi The A.L. East, as usual, is
the Jays’ to choke on.

In the A.L. West, the White Sox ride a
young-gunning rotation, a Radinskı
Thigpen bull pen and a batting order
that begins Raines, Sax, Ventura, Thom-
as, Jackson to their first world title in
75 years.

б
Maybe. This is a game that has spent
147 years scratching the surface of its

surprises. “A game,” as Stephen Jay
Gould notes, “whose inventor's middle
name was Joy.” No one sees its future

Sox over Padres in October is plausi-
ble, but who knows? Baseball is nothing
like football or hoops. It is more like the
weather. The weather defeats supercom-
puters because small things can have
profound effects. A hummingbird over
Kansas changes an air current that
changes another that leads to a typhoon
in China. In the same way, Braves lead
off man Otis Nixon gets caught with co-
caine in his system, is suspended and is
replaced by Lonnie S
World Series record, hiuing hon
three straight games. He then
locks at second base as the ball that
should have won the World Series rattles
around in left-center field. Smith is fro-
zen in goofball history as the Braves
chance dies.

We like to call it destiny, but it is
chance. It is the weather of baseball, the
element that rains down on the best
game Joy ever made.

Happy opening day.

Since 1985, the East's dominant club,
the Blue Jays, has won the division three
times and lost it two other times on the
regular season's last day; still, Toronto
has yet to play in a World Series. After
last year's A.L.C.S. flop, general manag-
er Pat Gillick didn't let it bug him that
folks called the Jays chokers. He went
ош and assembled what could easil
the best team in the game. Knucklel
Tom Candiotti
ment is Series idol Jack M
opening day, the reliable Mor
his 466th consecu start.

He heads
a rotation that also features Jimmy

Key, Juan Guzman and Todd Stotile-
myre, with Tom Henke and Duane Ward
splitting saves in the bull pen. Dave

SURPRISING
FLRUDR ағ
GALY IMG TAR.

c 4
Discover anew way to
Ф

Sp GELS 2229s
; of tar aud nicotine New
E = BL... Merit Ultima” Only 1 mg far.

à 4 RE But with asmooth,easyatraw

andasupes light dasteyowUdike

THE UtTiMATE LOWEST FROM MERIT

EREE UTMA:

SURPRISING FLAVOR AT d-MGeINOT SURPRISING, FROM MERIT

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

Amt mica рат cigarette by FTC method

FL ADE Y

Winfield, with 406 home runs and al-
most as many candles on his birthday
cake, loves hitting in the SkyDome. He
solidifies the D.H., a trouble spot in
Toronto since Cecil Fielder left. Right
fielder Derek Bell hit .346 at Syracuse
and is capable of .290 as a rookie; Eddie
Zosky won't hit much, but watch him
play shortstop. If Morris’ grit rubs offon
his new team, you'll see that Jumbotron
scoreboard light up in late October.

Last year, Roger Clemens was 18-10.
Without that, the Red Sox were 66-68.
Over six years, he is 118-52. Without
that, they are 399-402. As of this writing,
they still haven't traded Mike Greenwell
or Ellis Burks, but whatever they get
won't be enough to make up for the fact
that this is two teams. The one with
Clemens never quite makes up for the
one without, His 1991 numbers were
more daunting than they looked; ex-

THE CASEY AWARDS

He was a World Series hero.

He managed the worst modern
team as well as some of the
best. He was the wise man who |
once said, “I had many years
that I was not so successful as a
ballplayer, as it is a game of
skill.” He was Charles Dillon
Stengel, and these awards

n who keep his
mighty spirit alive.

Sportsman of the Year: Lon-
nie Smith would soon be the
World Series’ goat, but be-
fore freezing in history's
headlights, Smith did some-
thing perfect. As game seven be-
gan, he stepped into the batter's
box and offered a handshake to
Twins catcher Rrian Harpe
That shake should become a
Series tradition.

Hardnose Award: Rodney McCray of
the Pacific Coast. League Vancouver
Canadians chased a fly ball through
the center-field fence at Civic Stadi-
um in Portland, Oregon. The wood-
en fence split on impact and McCray
vanished into the night as the ball fell
for a triple. He bloodied his nose but
stayed in the game.

Rookie Quote Award: On a Montreal
trip, Reds rookie Steve Foster was
asked by a customs official whether he
had anything to declare. “I'm proud
to be an American," he said.

Survivor of the Year; Ten years ago,
catcher Jeff Banister learned he had
bone cancer. He wouldn't let doctors
amputatc his lcg; he said he'd rather
die than not play baseball. Aftcr seven
rounds of surgery, he returned to the
game, only to break his neck in a col-
lision at home plate. But last July,
Banister was called up to replace the
Pirates. Don Slaught, who was hurt.
He singled in his first at-bat. When
Slaught recovered, Banister, whose
desire surpasses his talent, took his
1.000 batting average back to Buffalo.

Special Citation for Fuel Efficiency
The Blue Jays’ Roberto Alomar lived
in the SkyDome Hotel. He went to
home games by elevator.

Bat Out of Hell Award: At Sum-
ter, South Carolina, Al Bennett
of the Spartanburg Phillies
swung and lost his grip on the

bat, which sailed into foul terri-

tory, over the field boxes,

lover the Uecker seats and

UM completely out of the ball-
) р

Freudian Flip Award: Padres

catcher Benito Santiago, no

f darling of management, got

uly. After grounding

j out, Santiago threw his batting

helmet, which Frisbeed into the

dugout and beaned pitching

| cheted off manager Greg Rid-
N doch's head, giving him a
A concussion

Stat of the Year: Twins lefty David
West gave up four World Series runs,
got no outs and entered Series record
books with a e» by his name—hideous
symbol of his infinite carned-run
average.

Pussy of the Year: In an exhibition
game between Detroit and Cincin-
nati, Reds reliever Tim Layana faced
a surprise pinch hitter, Tigers fan
Tom Selleck. Major-league macho
called for fastballs from Layana—a
pro hurler facing a movie hunk. But
when the actor manfully fouled off a
couple, Layana meowed. He fanned
Selleck with a tricky knuckle curve.

Best Headline: The Village Voice on
the Yankees and Mets: THEYRE HERE,
THEY SUCK, D TO IT.

Best New Pitch: The six-fngered
fastball of Expos farmhand Tony Al-
fonseca, who has an extra digiton his
right hand. Alfonseca needs 478 wins
to double the output of Mordecai
“Three-Finger” Brown.

Tough as Nails Award: After cracking
up his new Benz, himself and team-
mate Darren Daulton, the Phillies"
Lenny Dykstra was stumbling around
the wreckage, refusing offe
ical attention: No way, dudes. I'm fine.
He had a crushed collarbone, broken
ribs and a punctured lung, but was
still on his feet.

clude one awful outing and his E.R.A.
dips to 2.37. Young slugger Phil Plantier
will help Clemens е this time
around. Last spring, Pl vas the on-
ly man to strike out against Jim Palmer
during the Famer's brief comeback at-
tempt. But Plantier batted over .341 af-
ter a late-season call-up from Pawtucket
Hitting out of a low crouch that lets him
spring at the pitch, Plantier had 27
homers between Triple-A and the ma-
jors. Mark him down for more in a full
year at Fenway New manager Butch
Hobson will get the Sox to the Series
soon, but his pitching staff is suspect af-
ter Clemens. mk Viola was
10-5 with a 2.80 E.R.A. for the Mets at
the 1991 All-Star break. Then—presto
change-up—he couldn't get anyone out
and wound up 13-15, 3.97. The Sox
wanted Morris instead, but had to settle
for second best.

After a Murphy's Law season last year,
the Orioles expect things to go right
this time. First baseman Glenn Davis,
healthy again, should be worth 35 home

AMERICAN

LEAGUE

runs at beautiful new Camden Yards.
Kid pitchers Mike Mussina, Jim Poole
and Arthur Lee Rhodes swoop in to save
a staff that may not need much from
veterans Storm Davis (whose parents
took teammate Glenn, an abused child,
into their home) and Rick Sutcliffe. C
to Martinez and Sam Horn, if both ar
aboard to aim at the new parks cozy
right-field porch, help Davis and M.
Cal Ripken, Jr, in the middle of the
order. Then there is Ben McDonald, the
longtime "next Cl s" who keeps
hurting his arm. Suppose McDonald
stays off the D.L. and wins 15. Suppose
four other pitchers from a pool of six or
seven good candidates join him in get-
ting games to closer Gregg Olson, while
outfield hopeful Luis Mercedes tames
his talent and gets on base ahead of Rip-
ken-Davis-Horn-Martinez. Do you sup-
pose Camden Yards is ready for a World
Series?

Sparky and Cecil's
precisely, s H
felt in the Mid:
record 1185 st

igers hit. Or more
d. That breeze you
was Detroit's leaguc-
outs, But in breaking

the 1986 Mariners! whiff mark, the Ti
gers contrived to finish tied for second.
They connected often enough to lead
the majors in homers (they would have
even without Mickey Tettleton's 31) and
to finish second to Texas in runs, while
wailing the AL. in batüng average.
Fielder, who has 95 homers in two years,
is the best fat hitter since Ruth. Only 28
ycars old, he should last long enough to
see Detroit win the East again. It can't be
this year, though. For pitching, manager
Sparky Anderson needs miracles; his
nilaceted club's best arm belongs to
ravis Fryman, a third baseman.
He's back! Hide the silverware! And
the rookies! George Steinbrenner may
havi ly broken
"lifetime" suspension by allegedly OK-
ing the signings of Danny Tartabull and
Mike Gallego as well as a trade with the
White Sox. This summer, Steinbrenner
makes his unofficial return to fight with
his Yankees. Tartabull will help them
fight back. Young hurlers Scott Kamie-
nieckiand Wade Taylor and second base-
man Pat Kelly have bright futures; Don
Mattingly has a new haircut but the same
old sore back. Designated hitter Kevin
Maas hits only fastballs. Mel Hall some-
times has trouble off the field. Last year
the sharp-dressing outfielder was nabbed
by Boston DEA agents who thought he
looked like a drug lord (something that
never happens to Mattingly). A club with
all that plus two members of the wacky
Perez pitching family begs to be hidden
away in fifih place

The Brewers were favored to win the
East three years ago. Then they crum-
pled under an avalanche of arth
scopes. Their only respite from injuries
was when ace Teddy Higuera's shoulder
healed long enough for him to lift a pen
and sign a lucrative long-term contract.
Then his arm blew out again. They were
17 games under .500 last August but
stuck with manager Tom Trebelho:
they went 40-19 to finish a strong fourth,
one game behind Boston and Detroit.
For taking the trouble to turn things
around, Trebelhorn was then fired. New
skipper Phil Garner will nced the iron
will he is known for. Higuera is still winc-
ing, shortstop Bill Spiers is recovering
from back surgery and the Brews’ only
established stars, Robin Yount and Paul
Molitor, are a combined 71 years old

Carlos Baerga, Albert Belle, Ке
Lofion, Jim Thome and Reggie Jeff
re future All-Stars, and they'll all
bor for the last-place Indians this year.
Sure, Cleveland still stinks, but at least
now they stink in the right way. Rather
than shoveling money at old stars—the
plan until last year—general manager
John Hart has dumped old talent, stock-
piled kids and shown how quickly a bad
team can get exciting.

alr

In 1990, the White Sox chased the
seemingly dynastic As all summer but

lost by nine games. Last year, they chris-
tened the new Comiskey Park with a
16-0 loss, then climbed to within a game
of first before losing to the eventual
world champs by eight games. Still, the
second-place finishes put them 38 games
over .500 for 1990 and 1991. This is a
young club, except for its 88-ycar-old
Charlie Hough-Carlton Fisk battery. It
should be a beuer club than the world
champ Twins or A's in 1992. Better than.
any other club at all, even. Rookie man-
ager Gene Lamont comes from Pitts-
burgh's third-base coaching box to bring
and-style fire to Chicago's
was once the baddest
part of town is now the best, in baseball
at least. Tim Raines and Steve Sax will
around the bases ahcad of the rib-
sticking meat of the order: Robin Ventu-
ra, who hit .284 with 25 home runs and
100 R.B.1.s in a sophomore year that re-
deemed him; Frank Thomas, the smart-
est great hitter in years; Bo Jackson, a
lesser player now but still better. than
most D.H.s; and Fisk, who can still hit 20
homers as a sideline to his real job—
mentor to the young pitching staff. The
Chicago rotation, starring Jack McDow-
ell, with Kirk McCaskill aboard to make
30 starts, can average 15 wins. Bobby
Thigpen, brilliandy supported by Scott
Radinsky, anchors a flawless bull pen.
Sax's arrival turns second baseman
Craig Grebeck from a good everyday
player to a stellar utility man. All of it
means that the Sox' only weakness may
be shortstop Ozzie Guillen's attention
span. According to The National Sports Re-
view, Guillen has fallen asleep on the bas-
es—and been bushwhacked by the hid-
den-ball trick—four times in two years.

Manager Tony LaRussa can barely
hide his pleasure when asked if his Ath-
letics can win again. After his team spent
half a decade as baseball's overdog, he
loves the thought of sneaking up on oth-
er teams. He knows everyone was hurt
last season. The pitching collapsed. Fi
baseman Mark McGwire batted :
Rickey Henderson complained that he
was underpaid, then crassly sold out to
a mirrored-visor maker. He wore the
hideous things as he stole number 930,
pissed off the world with an inadvert
ly surly speech and sulked to a year un-
worthy of him. Even so, the A's won $4
games. Oakland was the only team in
baseball that never fell below .500 in
1991. Don't worry about Tony's team.
Jose is to slugging what Madonn
hype. Second-year starter Kirk Dressen-
dorler and late-season arrival Todd Van
Poppel will soon be winning big. The
Athletics will be back because they never
went away.

With his team going nowhere with
Bret Saberhagen. general manager Herk
Robinson seems to have asked himself,
“Why not shake things up?” By send
his ace (plus Bill Pecota) to New Yo:
three hitters, Robinson has rescu

m —

Term Paper Assistance
Catalog of 19,278 research papers
Order Catalog Today with Visa/ MC or COO.

Eas 1-800-351-0222

California & Canada (310) 477-8226
Monday - Friday 10am -5pm Pacific time)
Or send $2.00 with coupon below

Our 306page catalog contans detaled cescripions of 19278
research papers. 4 утый Wery d wiormabon at your
ласер fonna and blog pages are free Ordering
5 easy as picking up you phone Let this valuable
‘educaporal ad serve you throughout you college years
EXAMPLES OF CATALOG TOPICS.
15759-WORK RELATED STRESS Ways to mnmze
and manage Stress. emphasizing human relahons
ano environmental approaches 8 споса 7
bbicoraphes, E pages
15642 -GROUNDWATER CONTAMINATION Ongi
WS. ecoramec. рика пеат aspects Praposeo
Solon based on cost/tenelt analysis ol ‘socal
aptal 12 lonas, B biographies. B pages
starch Assistance also provide custom research and thesis
assistance Dur stal ol 20 prolessona инета. each wrting
in hs Wd of experise can assist you wih al your research
тез

QUALITY GUARANTEEO!

“RESEARCH ASSISTANCE
11322 Idaho Ave. Sue 206-КР

Мез Los Argeles. Caliorria 90025
Pease rush ny catio Ercloret в 57001 cover postage

MAKES YOU ALMOST
2" TALLER
WIDTHS: e се

FINE MEN'S
SHOES

Looks just like ordinary shoes except hidden
inside is n height incressing innermold. Choose
from a wide selection of Elevators, including dress
shoes, boots and casuals. Satisfaction guaranteed,
Exce tionally comfortable. Call or write today for
our FREE. color catalog so you can look 2" taller
in almost no time. TOLL FREE 1-800-343-3810.
ELEVATORS” [|
RICHLEE SHOE COMPANY, DEPT. Pb25
P.O. Box 3566, Frederick. MD 21701

CABLE TV CONVERTERS

Pioneer, Zenith, Oak,
Jerrold*, Scientific Atlanta
& MANY OTHERS!

All-in-one Remotes! « Wireless Speakers!
Radar Detectors!

CALL TOLL FREE
1-800-826-7623

B& B INCORPORATED
4030 Beau D-Fue Dr.
Eagan, MN 55122

BEST PRICES ¿+ BEST PRICES

сор.

143

PLAYBOY

144

Royals. Troubled ex-Mets Gregg Jeller-
ies and Kevin McReynolds, plus untrou-
bled but less talented ex-Met Keith
Miller, bring the extra lumber Kansas
City lacked. Free-agent first baseman
Wally Joyner completes the revamp.
Joyner hits like a demon on plastic grass.
Batting title for Wally? Bet on it. Night-
mares on Royal Way for a bad-to-mid-
dling mound ғай? Maybe, but Robin-
son's gambles give the Royals a shot at
first place.

Jack Morris, who started every vital
game, is gone. Dan Gladden, who scored
the run that won itall, is gone. The calm
center of the Twins, manager Tom Kelly,
returns to try to prevent a first-to-worst
rebound. Kelly was almost gone when
the Twins lost nine of 11 to start last sea-
son. The rest is fable. Minnesota still has
Kirby and Herbie, the Tweedledum and

AMERICAN

LEAGUE

Tweedledee defensive whizzes who hit a
bit, too. Scott “Superman” Erickson, a
Christopher Reeve look-alike, and Kevin
Tapani, formerly a mild-mannered UPS
deliveryman, head a rotation bolstered
by lefty Mark Guthrie. Relief stopper
Rick Aguilera’s fastball shears off the cor-
ners and his splitter sends hitters to the
dugout. Outfielder Pedro Muñoz can
step in for Gladden, and two kid pitch-
ers, Willie Banks and Pat Mahomes, will
help soon. But Kelly, who joked that
N.L.style pinch-hitting strategy wasn't
“up there with rocket science”—then
screwed it up in the Series—will need to
be Robert Goddard to make the Twins
take off again.

I have a stack of Nolan Ryan stats. You
have seen most of them already. They
add up to one thing: He is the most
markable athlete of this or quite possibly
any other era. Last year, at the age of 45,
he was baseball's stingiest hurler. Future
fans will talk about Ruth and Ryan. His
Rangers hit а lot and have a Kid catcher
for the ages in Ivan Rodriguez. Ruben
Sierra is a great player, Juan Gonzalez
will be and third basi
may become an All
contend in any other divis
have everything go right to stay close in
the West.

The Angels have a fine new manager,
Buck Rodgers. and a famous new G.M.,
Whitey Herzog. Whitey got a late start
and flunked the off-season. Joyner and

THE ECONO
ALL-STARS

Uncork some Cooks cham-
pagne—a clubhouse favorite for its
fast fizz and beery price—and toast
the game's best bu

‘Twins A.L. Rookie of the Year
Chuck Knoblauch (281, 25 steals,
heady D) leads off and plays
second basc. Knol ch made
$100,000 in 1991. WI Sox third
baseman Robin Ventura (23 home
runs, 100 R.B.Ls, $150,000) bats
second. Seattle's Ken Griffey, Jr,
(.327, 22 homers, 100 R.B.Ls, 18
steals, $560,000) plays center field.
Chi Sox Frank Thomas (.318, 32
homers, 109 R.B.Ls, $120,000)
plays first base and bats cleanup.
Next come Rangers left fielder
Juan Gonzalez (97 dingers, 102
R.B.L.s, $127,500), Cardinals right
fielder Felix Jose (.305, 20 steals, 15
outfield assists 4000) and
Brewers shortstop Bill Spiers (.283,
14 steals, $250,000). Texas’ Ivan
Rodriguez (.264. $100.000) catches
Allanta's Steve Avery. Avery, who
cost Ted Turner $110,000, was
18-8 with a 3.38 ERA. during the
regular season, 2-0 with a 1.53 in
the post-season.

The top-price nine, with a dead
battery of Mark Davis and Lance
Parrish, cost $27,000,000 in 1991.
The Econo All-Stars collected a
total of $1,737,500—less than
the Brewers paid Franklin
Stubbs to hit .213.

McCaskill got away. Every important
free agent went elsewhere. The relief in
Anaheim when reliever Bryan Harvey
signed a four-year deal was sad. More
troubling was Herzogs weakness for
guys he liked in his National League
days. He gave up a good young arm for
Von Hayes and real money for Hubie
Brooks. They were good players in the
mid-Eighties. Remember: Mario Men-
doza is in their organization. In his hon-
or, the .200 batting average is called the
Mendoza Line.

Seattle's Mariners want a fat, injury-
prone 30-year-old to lead them toward
the millennium? Opponents won't pitch
around Ken Griffey, Jr, with Kevin
Mitchell lurking on deck (a Mitchell line
drive grazing Mets pitcher Wally White-
hurst's leg "felt like a gunshot wound,"
said Whitehurst), but Seattle gave up too
much for Mitchell. Bad teams that trade
good, young pitchers stay bad. If they
ever trade Roger Salkeld, best arm in the
minor leagues, let's trade the whole
team to Japan for the Seibu Lions.

Barry Bonds, the league's top all-
around player for the past two years,
vanishes every October. He is seven for
45 (.156) with one R.B.1. in two play-off
series. Short series magnify the game's
random elements; Bonds may finally cut
loose one of his power binges this post-
season as the Pirates banish the boos
from Three Rivers Stadium. Why not?
Even without Bon: Killer B hivemate
Bobby Bonilla, thc bats arc bullish. Left
ficlder Bonds and center fielder Andy
Van Slyke are the cannons, but all eight
everyday slots feature above-average hit-
ters. Bonilla's departure improves what
was already a transcendent defense. Or-
lando Merced and Jefi King can now
play their natural positions—right field
and first base, respectively. In addition
to Gold Glove outfielders Bonds and
e, Pittsburgh has potential Gold
t second base with Jose Lind and
at third with Steve Buechele. Shortstop
Jay Bell was a substandard fielder when
he came from Cleveland in 1989, but
he now is almost as slick as the rest.
Buechele was perhaps last winter's best
free-agent signing. Suangely shunned
by the Yankees, Cubs, Dodgers and
Padres—wealt! n dire need of
help at third base—he was re-signed for
half of what the Mets paid the ultimately
Jess important Bonilla. The Bucs have a

“Hump” runs
ру. respect fo
sniff . . . yes, love. It all brings tears to
d's eyes. This year, they should be
of joy.

When Frank Robinson heard the Mets
had landed Bret Saberhagen, he said,
“Who finishes second?" The rest of the
East has decided to play the season

s men as adults and

anyway. After all, the pitching was sup-
posed to be great last season and the
Mets finished 20% games out. In came
new manager Jeff Torborg, along with
Saberhagen and Bonilla. New Yorkers
expect the trio of newcomers to mean in-
stant pennant, but it is no cinch. For all
his millions, Bonilla had fewer homers
than Kevin Reimer or Robby Thomp-
son. The Mets' ballyhooed 3-4-5 men Bo-
nilla, Howard Johnson and signee Eddie
Murray аге all switch-hitters. The trou-
ble is, they don't bit left-handed pitch-
ing, which is Pittsburgh’s strong suit.
These guys have averaged .294 against
right-handers since 1989, .251 against
lefties. Shortstop Kevin Elster and catch-
er Todd Hundley don't hit anyone. The
Mets do have a catcher who hits, Mackey

NATIONAL

LEAGUE

Sasser, but he has a mental block about
throwing the ball back to the pitcher.
The outfield has iron gloves all around.
Flushing team has enough talent to
win. Still, my guess is that Torborg left a
World Series team to run a runner-up.
The good news about Cubs pitching is
that last year's bad news can't get worse.
Danny Jackson, Mike Harkey and Dave
Smith cannot do worse than 1-13 with a
cumulative 6.33 E.R.A. Greg Maddux,
possibly the game's least-known great
pitcher, will get some backup from
signee Mike Morgan. Morgan owes some
of his fine N.L. stats to pitching off the
mountain at Dodger Stadium, but his
ERA. ar Wrigley able 1.23
and he's a reliable sinkcrballer—cxactly
what the staff needs, Curveballer Lance
Dickson is a rookie-of-the-year candi-
date. Turk Wendell will still set Chicago
ear when he arrives. The Cub.
is not the juggernaut Wrigleyvillers
want, though George Bell should im-
prove on last year's numbers and 1989
rookie hero Jerome Walton deserves a
chance to play full-time. The wonderful
Hector Villanueva has a career homer-
per-atbat ratio better than Jose Can-
seco's. Nothing but a little luck stands
between the Cubs and a pennant.
Manager Joe Torre on Pedro Guer-
rero, whom he planned to start in the

Cardinals outfield: “His only limitation
is his ability to move around." Guerrero
was one of the better hitters ofthe Eight-
ies. He spent the winter grinning at the
thought of the new, more inviting fences
at Busch Stadium. If George Bell can
play the outfield, I can, he figures. Trou-
ble is, neither man can. The Cardinals
are dreaming. Their limitation is the ex-
pectation spurred by last year’s second-
place finish. They're a bad team. If gen-
eral manager Dal Maxvill doesn't trade
Ozzie Smith and Lee Smith for pros-
pects soon, he will squander his chance
to build a good team quickly. He has
some solid young pitchers, four good kid
Jose, Ray Lankford, Todd
Zcile and Geronimo Peña and trade bai
But without prompt action, the Cards
1991 highlight could well be their revo-
lutionary signing of pitcher Rene
Arocha, a delector from the Cuban na-
tional team.

Jim Fregosi's Phillies have high-speed
center fielder Lenny Dykstra, capable
first baseman John Kruk, apprentice
slugger Wes Chamberlain and role mod-
el Dale Murphy їп a lineup as bad as the
Phils pitching used to be. Their im-
proved rotation may feature Terry Mu
holland, Tommy Greene, scatter-arın
smoker Jose Dejesus and ex-Angel Kyle
Abbott. Not enough to make up for a
suddenly puny attack. Setup man Barry
Jones and closer Mitch Williams are a

bull-pen tandem. On the whole,
pennant has no plans to he in
Philadelphia.

In September, a 110,000-pound hunk
of concrete fell off Olympic Stadium in
Montreal, forcing the Expos to finish
horrible season on the road. Mon-
's Calderon—Grissom—Walker oui
field is the league's fastest, if Calderon
doesn't switch to first. Last year, center
fielder Grissom threw to second, saw the
ball get away, raced to the bag and made
the tag, registering an assist and a put-
out on the same play. Les Expos have a fu-
ture dominator in reliever John Wette-
land, but the only reason to think they

an contend now is that the Twins and
Braves did last year.

B
Not even the Padres think they are
the team to beat. Manager Greg Rid-
doch says he would like to stay close to
the top. Most San Diegans hope their
Pads can avoid the bottom of the fierce
N.L. West. Adanta looks like a worthy
defending champ, Cincinnati has pitch-
ing and an All-Star infield, L.A. has az
lion-dollar outfield. Even the soon-to-be
San Jose Giants could win. Even so, we
San Diego. The pitching staff was a
-Gay ad in the first half of 1991 as

the Padres reached the All break
4043. Then, even with Tony Gwynn
hurt, they went 4- to finish with the

third-best record in club history. Re:
son? The mound crew of Bruce Hurst,
Andy Benes

How To Talk
To Women!

Do you get tongue-tied
around attractive women?

World famous author Eric
Weber, is here to help with
an amazing 90 minute cas-
sette of his highly acclaimed
New York City course "HOW
TO MEET NEW WOMEN”
You will learn e How to
"break the ice" with women.
* How to make a woman
feel loving e Why the most
Beautiful Women are the
easiest to meet + Conversation openers that don't
Sound corny » Places where women always out:
number men e Апа зо much more! To order" HOW
TO TALK TO WOMEN" send $1995 plus $4.00
(Ist Class Shipping)

WIN WITH WOMEN!

Most men think theyll have to
undergo a major personality
overhaul to be successful
with women. Yet all it takes
isa 5% increase in guts. And
this extraordinary new book
will show you exactly how

TOWIN THE
| WOMAN

to unleash your natural

Confidence Soon youllbe: ө || ‘Dat YOUR
Transtorming platonic rete- || КЕ. AMS,
tionships into sizzling || ssia news

romances e Dressing with ==
Sex appeal e Standing out from the crowd сї
ordinary men e And much, much more.

To order "HOW TO WIN THE WOMAN OF YOUR
DREAMS" send $18.95 plus $4 00 (1st Class Shipping) to!
‘SYMPHONY PRESS, INC., Dept. Vs-92

РО. Box 700, Brick, NJ 08723. Canadians add 20%

MC/VISA/AMEX phone 1-800-631-2560
Allow 1-3 weeks lor delivery. Money back guarantee.

T Oder our classic HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS only |
516.95 plus $4 00 (15! Class Shipping)

wwprousg,

To introduce you
to the finest quality condoms from
Federal, well send you 20 FREE!
Send for yours today! For over 40
years, Federal has offered the world's
largest selection of condoms at dis-
count prices direct to you through
the privacy of mail.

Condoms, when properly used, are highly effective
against STD's (Sexually Trarsmitcd Diseases)
Send $2.00 handling (cash, check or money order)
to receive your sampler of 20 FREE CONDOMS lo:
Federal Pharmacol Ine., 28835-218 N. Herky Dr.
Dept. PB592, Lake Blut, IL 60044

папе
Address
у

‘State

145

PLAYBOY

146 knocked a branch offa di

three were 14-15 with a cumulative 3.60
E. R.A. before the break, 25-9 with a 2.42
after. Old Ed Whitson and young Ricky
Bones fill out what could be a scary 1992
Randy Myers, acquired in a
ade for Bip Roberts, growls in the sun-
drenched pen at Jack Murphy Stadium,
dying to prove that the Reds gave up on
him too soon. The Padres’ offense head-
who batted .358 going into
start last season. He got hurt
and limped (slowly—the man is starting
to make Kirby Puckett look svelte) home
at 317. A healthy Gwynn now teams
with shortstop Tony Fernandez, under-
praised catcher Benito Santiago and first
baseman Fred McGriff in a bauing order
that can keep up with the West's best
Like any team in the West except Hous-
ton, the Padres can finish anywhere
from first to fifth. They have a mound
corps to build a championship on.

FOCUS ON A DREAM. That's what a ban-
ner at Three Rivers Stadium read in the
last game of the N.L. play-offs. The sign
meant to inspire the home-team Pi-
rates, but Braves starter John Smoltz,
who turned his season around by focus-
ing on a psychiatrist's happy-think,
mumbled that mantra and shut out the
Bucs. Funny year, funny team. Only At-
lanta could find rookie B
the first good player in 15 years to bat
right handed and throw left-handed. Or
turn a 10-12 pitcher in 1990,
Glavine, into 199I's Cy Young winne:

NATIONAL

ion

LEAGUE

or a 230 hitter who clouted six home
1990, Terry Pendleton, into
19915 Most Valuable Player; or an im-
possibly overmatched rookie named
Steve into “Poison” Avery, Ihe sharpest
kid pitcher of all. Only problem is, it can-
not happen again, even with a strong ro-
nd a matchless bull-pen commit-
, even with outfielders Ron Gant and
David Justice, the best third and cleanup
hitters in anyone’s lineup. There is no
margin for error in this division, and few
dreams come true twice.

Last year, when the Dodgers held
their first spring workout, Darryl Straw-
berry hit five huge homers, one of which
False

runs

m—what began so boomingly ended

with a whimper as L.A. fell short by one

game.
season for the С
last weekend for

opponents ch

They singlehandedly saved the
ts, who ruined that
Tommy's boys. Fact is,

STAR-
GAZING

san DiEGO, July 14—The 1992
All-Star Game, which began with
tom-toms tonight, ended with
Bells. Pinch hitter Jay Bell dou
bled home George Bell lor a 3-2
National League win. Bo ]
and Rickey Henderson hit solo
homers for the Ameri
Starting
and Roger Cle:
three perfect innings, while the
winner, Atlanta's Mark Wohlers,
struck out six A.L. batters. The
game lasted only two hours, as
umpires used the new, larger 1992
suike zone. There were a record
four All-Stars named Martinez,
plus two Bells and one Belle. In
pregame ceremonies, Atlanta
Americans owner Ted Turner and
the Cleveland Bums Richard |
cobs shared a peace pipe with Ка
tive American groups to celebrate

new names. The mo-

rred when firemen,
citing this year's ban of all smoking
in outdoor Jack Murphy Stadium,
doused Turne

Alter the , the Bums’ Al-
bert Belle, who Mache AL. ve
ter but did not play, changed hi

me to Martinez.

sh beating the Dodgers,
y since Srawberrys prima-
гу ийе was added to a team that
ady arrogant. Now toss
"s boyhood pal E

big talent with similar head-case creden-
tials. Manager Tom Lasorda loves h
pitching stafl—Ramon Martinez. knuck-
leballer Tom Candiotti, Orel Hershiser
(whose recuperating fastball was so slow
Lonnie Smith caught one as he was hit by
it), Bob Ojeda and Ramon's terrif kid
brother Pedro Martinez. Enough? Not if
defense matters. The Dodgers must ei-
ther trade for shortstop Ozzie Smith or
try to win with the league's woi field.

The Reds have everything a team
needs to win. Jose Rijo, Greg Swindell,
Tim Belcher and ‘Tom Browning
up a murderer’s-row rotation. The line-
up features Bip Roberts’ leadoff speed,
moves to Barry Larkin, Paul O'Neill,
Chris Sabo and Hal Morris in the middle
and dribbles down to Joe Oliver's occa-
sional power in the eighth slot. It all
looks just dandy until you figure that the
Padres, Dodgers and Braves have start-
ers who are every bit as good, and Cin-
cy's superstopper Rob Dibble had just
eight saves in the second half of 1991
The lincup may have holes, too: Roberts
and Larkin get hurt a lot, O'Neill and
Morris don't hit left-handers and Oliver
seldom hits anyone. And whoever bats
fourth is merely a pretender to deanup
manhood. Meanwhile, Lou Ma, the
ingriest of managers, cusses out players
and umps till his face is the color of his
cap. If anything goes wrong, will their
psycho manager lead them down the
drain?

The Giants" radio theme last year was
Good Vibrations, an airhead southern Cal-
ifornia tune unsuited to a tough-minded
franchise. General manager Al Rosen—
the 1953 A.L. M.V.P now dueling the
Dodgers’ Fred Claire, Oakland's Sandy

Alderson, Toronto's Pat Gillick and At-
lanta's John Schuerholz for M.V.G.M.—

has solved his club's mound problems by
landing Seaule's Billy Swift and relievers
Dave Burba and Mike Jackson. A strong
lineup surrounds Will Clark’s perfect
swing and Gold Glove third baseman
Matt Williams’ pure power. The Gian
might be favored in the N.L. East
Like Cleveland's Indians, the Astros
used to be stinking in the right way:
trading pricey
bies. Then they t
Lofton to the Ind

led phenom Kenny
ns for a little boost
this year. Why? Maybe because the As-
tros, who will slog through a road
trip so owner John McMullen can r
out their home park, are an experi
in stinking for profu. McMullen
only about the price he gets for selling
them. On the field, Craig Biggio moves
from catcher to second base to save his
legs. First baseman Jeff Bagwell—stolen
from Boston—and lett helder Luis Ge
z e two of the sweeter swings in
t. Kichere Pete E nisch; р,

nt
ares

SCORESBY SCOTCH

+
e
Few THINGS IN Lire А. Faas
ARE As TEMPTING As THE x * 1

Very Rare Taste Or Scorrspy Scotch. NE es == i =>
TASTE THE TEMPTATION WE |

DRINK RIGHT DRINK SMART. BE RESPONSIBLE.
by and Borled lor Foreign Vintages, Lake Success, NYG1992

ІВ Marilyn

NOW COLLECTORS CAN OWN A PIECE OF HISTORY
SIGNED AND NUMBERED BY HUGH M. HEFNER

n December 1953, the manifesto. She an-

Marilyn Monroe waved nounced that here

hello on the first cover would be a showcase

for beautiful women,

of the magazine that

would change all of us. top notch authors and

She had already cap- sophisticated ideas.

tured the hearts of Now you can own this

American men and now magnificent technologi-

she was inviting them to cally enhanced repro-

a place where they could enjoy being themselves. Marilyn duction of Playboy's historical first cover, signed and

symbolized the sexual revolution for which Playboy became numbered by Hugh M. Hefner in a limited edition of 950.

GIANT (35" X 26 1/4") FIRST EDITION PLAYBOY COVER
is a continuous-tone lithograph with silk screen printed on archival paper for $700.
Also available in a beautiful gold frame for $950. To order by phone call 1-800-258-1995;
ask for operator #10 and order #ABMM-010.

Shipping and handling is $25. All major credit cards accepted.

To order by mail, send check or money order to PO. Box 632, Elk Grove Village, IL 60009
Minois residents, add 7% sales tax. Allow three to four weeks for delivery.

Due to the collectibility of this print, we can guarantee the price for only 30 days.

Bf Paw

THERE SHE 1... conne fiom page 76)

“Elizabeth's devotion and telegenic smile quickly
made her a rising star in Pat Robertson's TV empire.”

the week, 83 Hours 11 Dawn, with Pel
Strauss. “That's the most intere:
part Гуе done because 1 played a hal
Honduran, half-German sociopathic
nymphomaniac who wanted to do it in
a coffin,” she jokes. But it has been
difficult to move up to the next level in
her career, and that’s why she contacted

y. “It's a way of getting auentioi
lains. “I know lm a good actress,
ta matter of name recogni:
a good business

move.

Between the incessant tabloid cover-
ase and her pictorial, Elizabeth is
med for her second shot at the spot-
fight," “I haven't been in the public eye
for a long time, ten years or so," she con-
fesses. But she remembers her first
encounter with fame vividly. “When 1
became Miss America, everyone in Аг-
kansas went wild. I have photographs of
the basketball auditorium back in Rus-
sellville, where I grew up, overflowing
with people. The high school band, the
college band, the junior high school
band, all playing. The red carpet. It was

She was known as Elizabeth Ward
then, just a small-town р
Booneville, Arkansas—with small-town
values. (Gracen is a name she і
because there was another
Ward in the Sc
mom was a nurse; her dad worked at a
füctory that made bowling balls and
combs. "We had bowling-ball doorstops
in our house," she recalls, "and a lot of
combs." Her parents divorced when she
was young. "It wasn't an ideal childhood.
There was lots of drama," she says,
luctant to divulge too many deta
of money was one of the problems,
Elizabeth entered the Miss Amer
pageant to try t0 win
"They don't call it à beauty page
They call it a scholarship pageant.” she
points out. ^I don't understand why
nient on stuffing you into a

nd matching high heels if it
ship pageant, but that's th

t itself, of course,
itution. Elizabeth bought
the Judy at Carnegie Hall album and
memorized After You've Gone lor her mu-
sical number. Bert Parks had been fired
two years befor > Ron Ely, who had
V and to whom
elers as "Mr. Dimples

y
was the host.

“1 guess I was brainwashed to a certain
extent to give the right kind of answers,”

self."

Elizabeth says. “It’s very much like being
a politician. You say the right thin;
don't offend anyone and you're
and it paid off. I got scholarship money
and the chance to travel a lot. 1 think Га
been on an airplane only twice before
then."

Her travel schedule was a killer. "I was
on a plane every other day going some-
place, with no rhyme or reason. You
have no home. You live out of a
Maybe I'm а
princess, but it was grueling.”

Her tour of duty as Miss America did
more than show her the world. It also
gave her a unique insight into her own
psyche. “You start to lose your identity
afier a while—just being ch
charming, charming all day long.
me years to realize that I didn't have to
be perfect, that I didn’t have to make ev-
eryone in the room feel comfortable with
me. I had no separation between my pri-
vate self and my public sell, and it took
me a long time—and a lot of therapy—10
learn that 1 don't have to cater to other
people.

“Ar that time, I was very, very reli-

gious—a born-again Christian. When I
look back at everything ten years ago,
I'm just a different person now, because
1 don't really believe anything I bel
at that time."

Afer her reign was over, Elizabeth's
religious devotion and telegenic smile
quickly made her a rin evange-
list Pat Robertson's TV empire. "I did a
lot of work for Pat Robertson and the
700 Club," she remembers. "The:
grooming me for a co-host po
one point. 1 did this telethon for the 700
Club. It's a fund drive, but you also an-
swer prayer requests over the phone. 1
was so unqualified—really distraught in-
dividuals would call, people who were
getting ready to kill themselves, people
who were financially ruined. Twenty-two
years old —what am I doing with people
with real problems?"

Elizabeth took the calls, turned to a
special book she had been given that was
indexed according to pre oblems and read
aloud from the specific Bible verses list-
ed. She followed that with her best sales
pitch. "At the end of the conversation,
you would have to get them to join the
700 Club for ten dollars a month or
whatever."

It was during the last few minutes of.
the telethon that Elizabeth had what she
calls her revelation. As time ran out,
Robertson frantically urged the phone
workers to keep the prayer requests

"Here's a play about a man who suddenly
discovers that he is homosexual. Later, he suddenly
discovers Ihat he isn't. Finally, he suddenly discovers
that it doesn't matter whether he is or not.”

147

Sid BS OT

148

short and get as much money as quickly
as possible so he could show a big tally
on the tore board. “A chill just went up
my spine,” recalls Elizabeth. “I was so
freaked out having to do this anyway. All
of a sudden I saw what it was. It had
nothing to do with God or spirituality. 1
just realized organized religion was big
business. | had been very naive. But
when you're a small-town girl, you really
don't know."

After that, Elizabeth began to make a
series of changes in her Ше. She di-
vorced her first husband, a born-again
Christian who didn’t share her new-
found skepticism, and began taking act-
ing classes in New York. She returned
for a while to Arkansas, where she made
a few commercials. Crews for two films
came to Arkansas on location, and she
got a bit part in each movie. Both direc-
tors were encouraging. "What are you
doing here?" they asked her. "Why don't
you come to Los Angeles:

Once she made the move to L.A., she
found more than acting roles. On loca-
tion in Utah, she met Brendan Hughes,
an actor-writer and, in Elizabeth's
words, "a gorgeous Welshr They

fell in love and married shortly there-
after in 1989. "We're both kind of
gourmet chefs," she says. "We just spent
five hundred dollars on a set of pans."

Now 31, she happily admits she's not
the same obedient little girl who served
as M America and impressed Pat
Robertson. "I used to be very trusting of
people,” she says. "Now I'm not. You get
hurt along the way. You reveal too much
about yourself and you become very vul-
nerable. Гуе had to work on protecting
myself from being exposed to the public
again. I think a lot of it comes from be-
ing Miss America—l was everybody's
Miss Perfect for so long. What people say
about you and what people think about
you isn't necessarily how you feel about
yourself. That's what's most important:
how you feel about yourself."

And how does Elizabeth Ward Gracen
feel about herself?
'etty good. ['m on a journey. It's a
big journey and 1 don't pretend to know
any answers, but I feel better about my-
self. 1 feel happier now than I have in a
long time.”

7
24
H

a
|

биске brown

“Nobody drinks my whiskey, thumps my woman and then brags
about bein! a scratch golfer—go get your sticks!”

IMPOSSIBLE VACATION

(continued from page 80)
to do whatever you are d.
you are in agony and anxiety and pain, 1
want you to realize that it is because you
have chosen it. Then you have to ask
why? Why would you choose a life of
pain and suffering? There are reasons
for it. You have to realize that only in
sorrow can you be. When you are in ec-
stas), you disappear. Suffering gives you
a definition. It makes you feel solid."

He went on talking about how we are
divided by our pain, how misery sepa-
rates and separation makes us more mis-
erable. He told us that when we become
happy, the ego cannot exist. He asked us
to take a look and see how when we are
suddenly happy, the ego disappears.

By now, the man had really terrified
me. I could not remember the last time I
was suddenly happy. The most 1 ever got
was a mild sense of wellbeing and 1
wondered if I even had an ego to lose
about ecstasy and ego
is ours whether to go
deeper into pain or let it go and cry and
laugh together so thz last become
one, he started explaining his initiation
process. “All you have to do is tell me
when you're ready and 1 will be ready to
receive you. When you do this, it is not
throwing away your responsibility, it is
giving up your resistance. If you cannot
trust yourself, trust me. Pass through the
Маме: in пих, in love, surrender,
and things will start happening."

God, this was tempting stuff. If he
didn't mean it, he sure knew how to
say it well. Of course, I felt everything
he said applied to me. I was the ultimate
self-help-book sucker, | was unhappy,
and to some extent, I suspected that I
was engineering my misery. But I had no
idea how to stop. It had become such an
ingrained habit. To take it away would
be to take away me.

Yes, many things the Bhagwan said
made seductive sense, but I was not yet
sure if I trusted him. I had to get closer
to him physically to find out.

When the Bhagwan finished speaking.
he placed his hands in prayer position,
bowed to hisaudience and, gathering his
white robes around him, strolled regally
off the stage. oon as he was out of
sight, the two tall bearded assistants re-
moved his great white chair. Instantly,
about 15 or 20 women rushed onto the
stage, threw themselves down and kissed
the floor where the chair had been.
"What are they doing?" I asked a person
next to me.

"That" she re
the yoga of worship.

1 filed out with 2000 people dressed in
orange and retreated to thc Ritz to recu-
perate. 1 had to be alone. It was too con-
fusing. 1 had lost my sex drive. lt was too
hot. I missed Meg a lot. The whole place
suddenly reminded me of one big

z now, and if.

lied, “is bhakti yoga,

ience camp, except every-
one was dressed in orange and making
love. Nothing made sense. | wanted a
Scotch very badly. It was too hot to drink
in my sweatbox of a hotel, so I walked
down to the Blue Dramond, the only
five-star hotel in town. 1 had Scotch and
asteak and ev
The Blue
conditioned and I got
out. The booze worked as it always does:
It slowed down my head. I felt like Dad.
.

The following day, I went down to the
ashram to sign up for an audience with
the Bhagwan. After putting my name on
the list, I retreated to my hotel. By four
o'clock, the day had cooled down
enough to be bearable and I took a slow
walk down to the ashram. Eight of us
lined up at the gate and again I was the
only one not dressed in orange. The oth-
ers were dressed in fowing robes, but
because they had not been initiated yet,
they did not have the mala with the lit-
tle black-and-white picture of Rajneesh
around their necks. 1 assumed they were
going in to be initiated. This made me
think about why I was there, outside of
curiosity, 1 remembered something Raj-
neesh had said in talk, about not
coming to him out of curiosity but rather
with a sincere and open heart.

While I stood there, I did my best to
open my heart, but I had no idea what
or whom I was opening up to. Just to be

was looking to be C

We were all led around to a litde gar-
den behind the ashram and told to sit.
We sat cross-legged on the grass and
stared with great anticipation at the big
empty white chair on the porch. A young
woman of about 19 or 20 came out
dressed in orange and sat cross-legged
just to the left of the chair. I think she
was one of the Bhagwan's consorts.
"Then he appeared and moved in a very
direct and focused way to sit. He lifted
his hands into prayer position, closed his
eyes and breathed.

Opening his eyes, he said, in a most
sensual and hypnotic voice, "Now | am
here to receive you." One at a time, pco-
ple were singled out by one of the beard-
ed ushers to go up and kneel. As they
did, the Bhagwan would look at them
with this great open smile and study
them for a bit unül he intuited the right
Sanskrit name to give them. When he
got the name, he would write it on a
piece of paper and hand it to the initiates
while he spoke it to them and told them
what it meant, After he put the mala,
with his little black-and-white glossy pic-
ture on it, around their necks, he got out
a little pen flashlight and shined it onto
their third eye and dismissed them. Most
of the people were joyful and ecstatic. It
was a big event for them, I could sce;
but, much to my surprise, I could also
see that each initiaion was being video-

taped by two of the ushers off to the side
and there were two small microphones
on the edge of the porch right at the foot
of the Bhagwan's chair. It was all being
recorded.

When my time cam usher ap-
proached me and whispered, "Go up

nd kneel but not too close or you may
cause him to leave his body.” At that
point, | had a great temptation to get in
very close, but I could also see that one
of the ushers standing just behind Raj-
neesh was really a big bodyguard.

When I kneeled, he smiled and, see-
ing I was not in orange, said, “What can
І do for you?” At that point, I felt very
lost. Nothing came to mind, not even
that I wanted to get laid. I just felt lost
and empty and J told him I was confused
and didn't know what to do. He told me
to take a workshop and he listed some of
them. “You can take the enlightenment
intensive, the centering group or inter-
personal confrontation. Or you could try
primal scream, let go or art therapy. You
choose one, do one and then come back
to me and wc shall talk some morc."

When I left, 1 saw a little counter
where they were selling audiocassettes
and videotapes of the entire event.

Back at the Ritz that night, I got angry,
thinking, What does Rajneesh mean by
live in the moment, forget the past, and
then he goes and sells you videotapes to
remember your moments with him. All
moments are not equal. The Bhagwan
driving mc mu y
lost my sex drive. And besides, I think all
the people here have money. 1 don't
have enough money to take a lor of
workshops that won't do me any good
once 1 get back to the real world. I wish
Meg would come save me.

Meg did come the following day. She
came to take me away to Kashmir where
it would be cool and real and just us. But
first 1 dragged her to see one of Raj-
neesh's talks. It was about the same old
stuff, liberation from personal pain. Meg
was not impressed. I was impressed hy
her lack of impression.

Meg and I rented a houseboat on Dal

Lake. It was beautiful, but it n't
enough, just sitting there on the boat
looking at those mountains. So one day
not long after our arrival, we rented a
gondola for a tour of the lake. The boat-
man put flowers around our necks and
sat us up in the bow. Meg looked great
with the wreath of jasmine around her
neck. The lake was very still as the boat-
man poled us across. This was so much
the Ganges, only we couldn't
get the Ganges out of our minds because
of the smell. Even the jasmine didn't
overpower it. We couldnt figure out
why the boatman didn't notice. We
thought he must have grown used to it,
or had just learned, like any good tour
guide, how to ignore it. Às we were
passing through the mouth of a shallow

0% OFF

CONDOMS BY MAIL

Imagine getting 100 condoms in a single
package by mail! Adam & Eve, one of the
most respected retailers in birth control
products, offers you a large selection of
men's contraceptives. Including TRO-
JANS, RAMSES, LIFESTYLES, SKINLESS
SKINS, plus PRIME with nonoxynol-9
spermicidal lubrication and TEXTURE
PLUS, featuring hundreds of “pleasure
dots." We also offer your choice of the
best Japanese brands — the most finely
engineered condoms in the world! Our
famous condom sampler packages let you
try top quality brands and choose for
yourself. Or for fantastic savings why not
try the new “Super 100" sampler of 100
leading condoms — 16 brands (a $50
value). Here is our guarantee: If you do
not agree that Adam & Eve's sampler
packages and overall service are the best
available anywhere, we will refund your
money in full, no questions asked.

Send check or money order to:

dp FO Box 90,
Adam & Куе (Ок 90 De von

Please rush in plain package under your money:
back guarantee:

DO #1232 21 Condom Sampler
О #6623 38 Condom Sampler
D 46403 Super 100 Sampler.

AL $5.00

Nane
Address E A
Cy h

VISA or MasterCard orders
CALL 18003345474

149

PLAYBOY

inlet, I bent over the bow of the gondola
and saw a bloated, decaying baby calf
stuck on the bow like some big, stupid
death bumper.

When we got tired of the view, we
would go to the rug Ё Although
the rugs Meg was looking at were beauti-
ful, I was bored. Meg could see into the
patterns and workmanship in those
Tugs. She could see the entire могу of
how the rug was made and it mattered to
her. Meg wanted a rug to live with. She
wanted to grow old with a rug. Things
mattered to Meg but not to me. I didn't
want a rug. 1 didn't want to grow old,
with a rug or anyone. I wanted an orgy.
I wanted an endless orgy now

Now that the weather was cooler, ту
sex drive was coming back, but we were
having problems with our sex life. Prob-
lems in the sense that the drive for each
other was absent. It was there before we
came to India, and then it just went away
like the windy mystery it is. Maybe all the
sights of death had helped blow it away.

So the more Meg looked at rugs, the
more I stood beside her and fantasized
that I was back in Poona. Only in my fan-

tasy, the weather was cooler and I had at
last decided to take one of the so-called

gestalt encounter groups. In this fantasy,
there were 20 of us: ten very good-look-
ing young women and ten real hand-
some men—me included. We were all
tan, lithe and languid. And the group
leader was a German gestalt therapist
who had given up her few belongings in
Frankfurt and had come to Poona to
live. And she comes into the room where
we are and says, “Just do what tell you
to do and trust me because what I'm go-
ing to tell you to do is going to feel real
good. 1 want you to take a risk to feel
pleasure. I want all of us to pretend that
we are here today just 10 experience
pleasure.”

We're all standing on these mattresses
as she’s telling us this. The mattresses
are covered with clean white cotton
sheets that have just been hand-washed
by a bunch of local Poona women. And
the gestalt therapist, who I am now call-
ing Hilda in my mind, says to us to
please disrobe and hang our orange gar-
ments—raiments, I think she was calling
them—on hooks that are all along the
white wall to one side of the room. And
as we all slowly slip out of our raiments,
all kind of languid and humid, our mus-
cles now completely relaxed by the
warmth of the place, we look across the
room and see that the wall is one big
mirtor. And Hilda hands us all some al-
mond oil and asks us to begin rubbing
one another's bodies in front of the mii
ror. 1 can feel hands going down be-
tween my crack and around the back of
my balls, and my oily fingers go down
between other cracks and everything's
all slippery and fluid, and as we stand
there looking at ourselves naked in the

150 mirror, Hilda adjusts the lights to a low

amber and relaxing Indian music begins
to play.

Hilda says in her German accent,
“Come people. Make a sitting circle in
the center.” We do as we are told, no

roblem, and it feels right. It feels good
to do this. It feels all so perfectly right z
if there is no other place in the world to
be. And then we sit there, just gazing at
one another's eyes because we are still a
little inhibited about looking at one an-
other's body parts even though we just
rubbed them all with almond oil. Now
Hilda pulls out a long wooden hash pipe
and says, “Before we go any further, I

ist want everyone to take a big hit of my
herbal medicine here. I promise it w
help you relax even more.” And she
lights this pipe and passes it around the
circle, filling the room with the sweet
smell of hash. The pipe keeps going
around and we all get high, real mellow
and real relaxed. I can feel the hash
smoke go all the way down into my belly
and fill my balls. I can feel my balls begin
to swell and roll. 1 can feel my lazy dick
hegin to sprout and peek out to see
whats going on. And it's like Hilda is a
great snake charmer who is gently bring
ing all the snakes out of their holes in
search of new warm ones.

And then Hilda gets up and says,
“Now I'm going to turn the lights out,
and I'm going out and I'm going to lock
the door from the outside, and I'll be
back in two hours. 1 want you all to go to
town—to do crazy things you've never
done before. See if you can feel where
heaven is. 1 want you to go to the Gar-
den of Eden before you knew there was
an apple tree. I want you to go to the
Garden of Eden when the garden was
only flesh, not flowers, when the land-
scape was you and not the carth, when
your bodies were all the earth and the
earth was your bodies and there was no
separation. Please go there. Please,
please take the courage to go there just.
this once, so you will know pure pleasure
before there was time and history, pure,
pure, historyless pleasure.” And she's
saying all this wonderful stuff with a Ger-
man accent as she turns out the lights
and leaves us.

And what happens when she goes out
of the room is so delicious that it stops
time and wipes out death. Death
nowhere in the room. The room turns
into a pure impenetrable fortress against
death as we slowly begin to pant and
touch. And Hilda has even turned off
the music so the room is completely dark
and without sound, except for the sound
of all 20 of us turning into pure animal
heat. All the body parts begin to feel like
parts of one body as we link and couple
in that room. Some gentle hand has
found my cock and is guiding it into a
warm. wet hole, while 1 have found an-
other kind of tighter hole with my finger,
as all the oily bodies fit together. Some-
one wraps a thumb and finger around

my balls and squeezes just so and, ooh,

who's that, is that a tongue and, ooh. it's
in my ass and, oh, we lie there humping
and heaving until no body and no hole is
unstopped. The holes and all the parts
get miraculously connected like a great
flesh puzzle linked up at last and it’s all
done by sheer animal intuition. And ev-
erything gets filled up and satisfied, all
the empty places get filled. My ass is
filled up solid with à cock and my cock is
filled up solid with my blood and it fills
upa waiting hole or mouth that a warm
hand guides it to. And the whole room
seethes and heaves and begins to fill with
blue sparks that arc and jump around
the giant united body pile as everyone
swells into a giant moan and watches the
blue sparks fly in the mirror, and we all
come in our various ways, in our various
holes together, We come together, we all
come as one big panting river of flesh.
And for just one glorious timeless ume,
it's all one sound and one body. It is the
Garden of Eden before the voice of God
spoke to Adam. It is exactly that for all of
us. A total union. And we know it, all at
once as we all come together and slowly
collapse into a mindless limp slumber, a
slight river of drool and joy juice trick-
ling from all the slack, satisfied cracks.
And we just lie there in that timeless, ab-
solutely satisfied body heap until at last
Hilda opens the door and turns the
lights up slightly so we can all look into
one another's eyes again. And we do it.
As brightly and innocently as a team of
Fifties cheerleaders at a high school in
the middle of America. “Hi, guys!” our
eyes say. “Hi, gang!” our mouths say:
“Wasn't that great?
Yeah, that was far out!"

“That was great! Lets do it again
tomorrow!"

And we don't even feel a t of
shame. Shame and guilt never enter that
room. Of course, we knew they were
right outside the door. But we also knew
we had consecrated a sacred place. We
had created the Garden of Eden before
the knowledge of good and evil. And
we'd do it again next Wednesday. And
the knowledge that we had the power to
create that place, that it would be there
for us again on Wednesday, made us able
to live with the guilt and shame of the
outside world. It purified us. And Hilda
turned up the music rcal loud this time
and it was reggac, and we all danced
naked, real happy, as we rubbed what
was left of one another's juices onto our
bodies to show we had been ated
to the brotherhood and sisterhood of
pleasure: the Garden of Eden Club. Or
the Eden Garden Club.

played like a movie loop in my h
And the more 1 played it, the
wanted to return to Poona. In fact, I was
lyzed by not know-
ing what was real and what was fantasy. 1
raid that if | went back, ГА run

into all the same barriers again. And 1
tried to calm myself by telling myself that
Га do it one day. I knew I loved Meg,
but I also knew that I needed to get back
to a place like the Garden of Eden Club.
I had to get through the fantasy or it
would turn on me and Pd go crazy.

You see, I was beginning to realize the
mistake I made when I had my meeting
with Rajneesh. 1 had been false. 1 had
played some sacred and holy game with
him instead of just coming out and
telling him that all I really wanted was to
get laid over and over again. 1 wanted to
fuck, and for some reason, perhaps be-
use of the guilt I felt toward Meg, I
nceded his permission to do it. And here
is the sad part: My fantasy workshop
didn't even come into my mind until I
was all the way up in Kashmir with Meg,
I began to feel tortured. I could not ac-
cept the fact that I was torturing myself,
so | began to blame it on the guru. I
mean, I began to blame it on Rajneesh! I
began to think he had power over me
and was torturing me for not accepting
him. And this began to frighten me and
make me nuts. “Unfinished business,
unfinished business!” was the phrase
that kept running through my mind. I
was playing around with madness when
1 could have taken a risk and gone mad
in a safe way in Poona. I was about to
poison myself with regret. 1 was begin-
ning to torture myself with the idea that

1 had to go back to Poona to do it right,
to go to him and say, "I want to get laid
I need to get laid." Meg was not enough
for me. I needed to lose myself and
meld. I wanted to
morning and every evening in glorious,
boundaryless sex.

lose myself every

Actually, I first decided to go back to
New York City. Meg wanted to stay fora
while in Delhi and take a yoga dass. 1
was incredulous. I couldn't imagine how
Meg could do yoga in that heat, but she
was disappointed that she'd come all this
way to India and never once got to take
any lessons in yoga. All she had done was
buy rugs. Unul then, 1 had been think-
ing of myself as the spiritual quester and
Meg as the merchant, but that was
changing.

1 flew Air India to Amsterdam, where
I was supposed to change planes for
New York. 1 didn't want the flight to be
over. Six hours had gone by like six min-
utes. As soon as the plane had landed,
the dizzy feeling of too much freedom
came over me again, the feeling that 1
was no one and everyone everywhere,
and that I could do anything 1 wanted
except there was hardly any “I” left 10
operate out of. Then, pulling away from
the window, 1 realized that my head was
locked to the right from having stared
out the window for six hours

Hello! My name

magazine, and the

I strolled into the almost-empty air-
port with my head locked to the right,
walked past the Duich immigration
officials, who all looked like stoned-out
hippies in uniform, and it occurred to
me that I could have been bringing in
pounds of hashish and opium and it
wouldn't have mattered to them.

Yes, Amsterdam felt like a litle par-
adise of freedom and all my plans to get
on the next flight to New York City be-
gan to dissolve and crumble. "Why not
spend one night in Amsterdam?" the lit-
¡le gremlin voice was saying in my car
Just one night." After all, I had an open
ticket and what was the rush to get back
to New York City in the summer?

So I called Hans and Sonia, my only
friends in Amsterdam, and said, “Hi, its
Brewster. I'm just in from India and Га
love to come over and see you.” It felt so
exciting to be able to say “just in from
India.” Never in my life did I think Га
be able to utter a phrase quite as jet-setty
as that.

"But of course," Sonia crackled in her
thick Dutch accent. "What a surprise

1 caught a cab and was off, sitting in
the back trying to force my head to the
left, overwhelmed by the large, hyper-
trophic prosperity of all 1 saw out the
window. The wealth of that city! Never
did | think. Amsterdam. would look so
luxurious. The people in the streets
were like great blown-up sex giants,

Jeffery Jullan DeMarco, president & founder of
Pyraponic Industries, Inc
company in the United States of America

ranked the 56th fastest growing
as named by Inc.
and I DO

DOUBLE the growth rate of any plant (as least);

the

sites of any plant;

DOUE the 11201 of fruits and vegetable:

the

of herbs and spices;

DOUBLE the harvest of any plant material;

the

of flowers. | personally guarantee it!

Raw Power - The Phototron has been awarded 17 patents in 9
different countries. In addition, a newly designed automatic
watering system accessory, developed by Pyraponic Laboratories
and explained below, completely services the absolute optimum
water and nutrient requirements for each individual Phototron
needs. It contains the most powerful power supply in the worid; It
produces 30% more lumen output, yet runs 30% cooler.

and nutrient mix prescription for

each individual Phototron for optimum growth of all plant
parameters based upon 100,000 completed soil samples. User-
friendly instructions and follow-up reminders every 15 days that
guarantees your success in growing any plant. So easy that the
National Science Teachers Association (NSTA) uses the Phototron to
teach photosynthesis to kindergarten through 12th grade

students.

* 650 school, laboratories, and universities worldwide are using the
Phototron, including Harvard, Oxford, USDA and NASA, - 90 days
payment plan, $39.95 down + The Phototron is being used in NASA
test beds for future space exploration » Purifies 1,000 cubic feet 33
times every 24 hours + Over 150,000 sold, with never a single one
returned!

1-619-451-2837

PLAYBOY

152

strapping male towheads and butter-
d-peach-cream-skinned women, com-
g and going on black Mary Poppins bi-
cycles, their spines gloriously erect, their
eyes straight ahead with the great pur-
pose of life.

As my Mercedes cab wound through
the narrow Dutch streets, 1 could see
flashes of bright-colored, overflowing
vegetable stands. After India, all the veg-
etables in Holland looked as if they had
been blown up by bicycle-tire air pumps.
"That's about the time the fever came on
mc, just as I was looking at some partic-
ularly plump cauliflower. It was а cool,
wet, beautiful Nordic day in June and
everything was so fresh, but all at once, 1
felt a chill creeping into my bones. I saw
all the people again, all those Dutch peo-
ple, and the realization crept into me
like a chill that all of this had been going
on without me; Amsterdam had been
going on all the time that I was in India,
or all my life, for that matter, and now I
was just peeking in on it. Yes, all of Am-
sterdam, not to mention Frankfurt,
Paris, Brussels or London, had been go-
ing on without me. And no one cared
whether | came or went; no one cared
what I did or felt; so my newfound free-
dom was turning into a horror. No one
even knew I was in that cab or who I was,
much less how I perceived the cauliflo
eror the upright Dutch women on thei
black Mary Poppins bikes. No wonder so
many people craved fame, I thought. It
allowed you the grand illusion that you
were someone. No wonder people need
to pretend that God is watching them all
the time. Any illusion would be better

than this loneliness, this awareness of
infinitesimal existence, this awful free-
dom. Thank God for Hans and Sonia, 1
thought. At least they'll recognize me.

By thc time I got to Hans and Sonia's
apartment, I was shaking and sweating
with a fever and sure that I'd come down
with some exotic Indian disease. 1
couldn't believe how fast it had come
over me.

Gradually 1 got better. I drank the
mugs of homemade vegetable soup that
Sonia brought up to me. I began to miss
Mega whole lot and I tried to figure out
when it was that she had planned to be
passing through Amsterdam on her way
to New York. I was sort of sure that she
had planned to spend 12 or 14 days at
that yoga school in Delhi, so I figured, in
12 days’ time I would try to have all the
incoming flights from India paged at the
airport.

On thethird day of my recuperation, I
began to get curious about the books on
the shelf in my little room. I pulled out a
small paperback called The Grammar of
Living, having no idea what a vulnerable
state I was in and how careful I should
have been about what I filled my empty
head with. The Grammar of Living was
filled with all these lusty, sexy Sixties sto-
rics, told under the guise of teaching the
reader how the nuclear family, with its
accompanying Oedipal problems, had to
be broken down and destroyed immedi-
ately, so we could all become free of guilt.
and experience liberating good sex,
pure sex with no words, no conditions,
no apparent historical consequences. I

"Mind if we sit in?"

lay there and swallowed it whole.

This guy Cooper would tell about how
he was just hanging out at the local an-
tifamily commune in London, hanging
out tipping on pure Sandoz LSD, and
happy just to be there with no longings
or desire, and then came a knock on the
door. I mean, it wasn't even his door. It
was just the door, because he was in-
volved in this communal-non-ego-non-
family-door situation. So there was this
knock and there she was, this leg-
gy Suzette, a long-torsoed, beautiful
Frenchwoman from across the Channel.
Without a word, the next thing Cooper
knew, he was locked into some Kama Su-
tra tantric pose with her. Cooper, deep
and hard into Suzette, and she with her
long legs wrapped around him, swoon-
ing like a swan in blind lust. They were
in the doorway just doing it in front of
the whole commune, if they even cared,
just doing it so the whole commune
could observe and celebrate the end of
the nuclear family. They were in what he
called a deep sexual meditation, the
unification of opposite poles, sex as a big
France-and-England-joy-juice spiritual
thing. Those stories put me in an almost
unnatural state of desire and lust. I was
so taken in by this damn book that 1 for-
got to realize that this guy, this Cooper,
had to have taken the time to write it all
down, to get it edited and to get it pub-
lished, which most likely meant that he
must have rewritten it a number of
times, but all of this didn't enter into my
head then. I just kept seeing him as com-
pletely ecstatic in this state of ideal, pure,
sanctioned, antifamily sex. I wanted
some for myself right a

As 1 lay there in bed, I began to have a
big, stirring notion that 1 could find
what I needed down at the Dam, the
main square in Amsterdam where all the
hippies hung out. And to make it even
more perfect, Hans and Sonia were go-
ing away to the country for the whole
month of July and they offered me their
apartment for free! I could have it, 1
could stay there and do anything I want-
ed. 1 could smoke hash all day, or drink,
or take LSD, or read whatever books 1
wanted, or indulge in tantric sex.

1 put down that damn provocative
book and lay there in bed having elabo-
rate fantasies of what I was going to do. 1
was going to pick up a young, dark, for-
eign woman—an Italian hippie who
spoke no English, just enough for her to
understand what I needed. Га bring her
back to my little cozy Dutch apartment
and get her in tantric poses. It was about
to become my new Garden of Eden. We
would do it in the window. on the table
or while sliding down the banister. This
was like a new fever, a fever in my brain.

I told Hans that I'd like to go down to
just sort of look at the Dam, you know,
from a distance. “You know," I said, "I'll

take a nice little walk through Vondel
Park and then head on down to the
Dam.”

Hans said, “Well, please take my bike."

And I did. I took Hans's big black
Mary Poppins bike and 1 had that sick-
ening, dizzy freedom feeling yet again. I
was wobbling all over on that bike, the
wind blowing in my hair. 1 felt free and
alive and, God, what a scary place it was,
what a wobbly, scary place. It was as
though I suddenly found myself on a
high wire doing a tightrope act without
having had any practice, without any
idea how I had gotten out there. 1 was in
this scary, risky place and 1 knew that 1
could fall at any moment into the dark,
soft, destructive side of pleasure—the
pain that feels so good, the masochism—
or I could opt for the joyous, humorous
side, which I really knew nothing about
and had a feeling Mr. Tantric Cooper
didnt either.

The Dam was jammed with all sorts of
hippies, hanging out, playing wooden
flutes, dealing dope. selling their used
VW buses. Everyone looked so fucking
great, so beautiful, in their shaggy
confidence, and so together, stoned and
part of something that was beyond me.
What was worse, no one even noticed
me. No one noticed my incredible new
skinny fresh-out-of-India body. No onc
noticed me in my raw silk Nehru jacket
riding high on my magic Mary Poppi
bike. No one noticed me as I got off my
bike and stood at the edge of it all, likc a
lame, excluded boy longingly looking
in on some glorious schoolyard play-
ground at recess.

1 thought maybe I should just go and
have a beer and think all this over some
more, go and make a few notes on the
back of a napkin about what I just saw
and try to put the puzzle together again.
I could always come back to the Dam
and pick someone up in a few hours.

I was tortured by this new gnawing
dark thought that this had been the his-
tory of my life: retreat. I'd never gone af-
ter what I wanted because Га never
trusted that what 1 wanted was what I
wanted. Everything always seemed like
an illusion covering over another illu-
sion, layers and layers of it

I went to a bar for a beer, anyway. At
last, back to the hops! The river of for-
getfulness, I thought as 1 took my first
slow sip. I knew I liked hops better than
hash, because hops were grown in cooler
climates and helped diffuse the flames of
lust that. were so often brought on by
marijuana or hashish, Oh, God, that
wonderful Dutch beer was so smooth
and relaxing. But as soon as I'd get re-
laxed, all the ten thousand things would
start entering my head again, the temp-
tations that came like those wild and
crazy birds flying at me, all those shoulds
and woulds and coulds, which started

now like an infernal engine in my head.
Maybe I should go to Bali, I thought, or
maybe I would or could take a train
down to Greece. Maybe I should go to
Ireland. Then Га order another beer to
try to quench what now seemed like end-
less desire spinning in my head like a gi-
ant wheel of fortune. I sat there in that
overripe place of desire and expectation,
poised and teetering on the edge ofa life
not yet lived

I ordered another big pint of slow
thick beer as Bali came back to my mind
and then passed like those ever
ing June clouds of Amsterdam. I didn't
even know what day it was now and 1
didn't care. 1 loved the lostness.

Eventually, 1 developed a new plan—
that I would get work in one of those live
sex shows in the red-light district of Am-
sterdam and thus have a sort of guaran-
teed, sanctioned and remunerative sex-
ual activity. Then, once again, after
Dutch coffee and sweet rolls, I'd get on
Hans's big black Mary Poppins bike and,
now with great purpose and direction,
not once weaving or wobbling, I would
ride down into the red-light district at
midday before the sex shows were open
to the public and make my rounds. I'd
go to each sex show and make a rather
formal request to the manager. To my
amazement, they all treated me with re-
spect and credulity. They told me that I
would have to do three shows a night
with a female partner and the shows
would consist of some dancing, a lot of
stripping and, then, public sexual inter-
course. They said I didn't have to come
three times a night, but I should be able
to get erect and make a full-blown, obvi-
ous vaginal penetration in public. It
struck me as a wonderful way to make
money and have a good time. Like the
New Leftists say, it would be true eroge-
nous work; all the senses would be in-
volved, and furthermore, the porn-show
managers said they were open to me cre-
ating my own show. But (and here was
the big show-stopping but) I had to have
ale partner. They did not supply

came to mind w:
flight information and r
woman, Somehow I knew that wa
4 out of the question.
Now I had а reason to go down to the
Dam again. I would go to the Dam and
wy to find a pai Т was sure I could,
but first 1 needed my lunchtime beers,
and after two of them, | was thinking of
Bali again. | no longer had a will. 1 was
being swept away by an endless succes-
sion of fantasy whims. My will had been
eaten away and I was blowing around
like some weird wind.
.
Then, one day in the middle of all my
confusion, Meg arrived in Amsterdam.
She arrived to stay a few nights with

MASTERS &
JOHNSON

INSTITUTE
ANSWERS THE QUESTIONS

EVERYONE WAS AFRAID
TO ASK ABOUT SEX.

Now you can hear straight
talk and advice from the
EXPERTS on such topics as:

SEXUAL MYTHS AND
MISCONCEPTIONS...
aging, how to maintain

a healthy sex life...
condoms, do they really
work?...fears and reality...
COMMON SEXUAL
PROBLEMS...how to work
them through with
exploration and
communication...learning
more about you and your
partner's body...
performance anxieties...
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED
DISEASES...

the truth about transmission.
warning signs...
preventative measures...

TO LEARN MORE...

CALL
1 900 646-INFO

$1.95 a minute

1Bys ole
C'982Maders & Jchnson

Aglengh9 mn
Product ol: New Wave
Communications, ис.
1661 E. Camelback Fd.
Phoenix, AZ 85016

‘Service not avaitzble to residents of Oregon or Louisiana.

PLAYBOY

154

Hans and Sonia. She showed up wi
even having been paged at the
She just decided to come in to /
dam as I did, to break up her flig
tween India and New York. At first, | was
as surprised to see her as she was to see
me. Then I was sort of happy and re-
lieved, and then, j all
that occurred, I didn't want her to be
there because I saw clearly how over the
years I had made Meg into my con-
science, my guide to a controlled and
meaningful life. As I said before, things
seemed to mater to Meg.

Meg arrived in a bustle of purpose
and direction, with all her customs pa-
pers for her Kashmiri rugs in order, and
all her energy focused on getting back to
New York to sell rugs and get on w
her life. The yoga retreat she sta
Delhi had not been a successful event,
but she didn't dwell on it and, more im-
portantly, didn't have any regrets.

Meg perceived that something had
gone wrong in me, that | was more trou-
bled than usual. and perhaps she made a
mistake when she said, “I think you had
better come home with me to New
York.” That little statement put me
mild panic because I be
that she thought there was something
wrong with me, and that if she did, then
there must be. After all, she knew me so
well and if she thought it was important
for me to go home with her, then most
likely it was. At the same time, 1 kept
ranting and raving to her about how I
should really take the time to go to Bali.

When I'd spin out too far in too many

TPE AVERAGE NUMPER OF TIMES PER DAY VARIOUS
PEOPLE SAY THE DREADED Е WORD

directions, Meg would always rein me in,
pull me back with questions like, “Do
you think you'll find yourself in Bali,
Brewster? Come back with me to New
York, come back and find your roots
there. We'll celebrate the Fourth of July
in America.

So there I was in Amsterdam, packing
my bags like some sort of lost robot. 1
didn't have any joy about the return trip.
I was without joy and without satisfac-
tion. 1 couldn't find the real world I was
supposed to live in. It just didn't seem to
exist out there for me and I seemed un-
able to make it up inside me. I was in
limbo.

1 felt like a lite boy standing next to
Meg saying goodbye to Hans and Sonia
and Baby Willie, suddenly feeling re-
morse because I'd not really spent any
quality time with them. God, I hadn't
even gone to the Van Gogh museum. I
had just run all around Amsterdam like
а crazy, obsessed chicken. 1 knew it was
because 1 had read the wrong book
when I was sick. Hans and Sonia said
they were sorry that I didn't want to use
their place for July. I told them the
thought of being alone at this point was
just too much, it was out of the question.
We left and headed for the airport.

It was at the airport that it happened.
Thats where I think I finally snapped
altogether

Meg and I had checked in our bags for
the KLM Royal Dutch flight to New York
and we were wandering around the du-

ty-free shops, or rather Meg was wan-
dering in her purposeful way and I was
like this robot dog-boy behind her. 1

couldn't help noticing that I didn’t have
feeling I had in airports, I
us about the
flight and I didn't want to buy any duty
free booze, which is really weird, I di
feel anything until we got close to the
boarding gate, and then 1 had one very
strong feeling, kind of an impulse: 1
didn't want to go. I did not want to get
on that plane. 1 did not want to go back
to New York. This feeling turned into a
kind of nervous, neurotic twitch. As wc
stood there in the boarding line, 1 began
to groan, and when Meg asked me what
was wrong, I simply told her I needed to
get my bags off the plane. Worst of all.
she didn't disagree with me. She didn't
try to talk me out of it or stop me.

By now, the flight attendant had no-
ticed my distress and came over to ask
what was wrong, and I said, “Please,
please, I can't fly today. Get my bags off
the plan

Then to my s

prise, the flight atten
dant paid attention to what I was saying.
She stopped and picked up her walkic-
talkic and began acting like she was real-
ly going to do something about my de-
mand, and I began to think that maybe
she was the same lady 1 had been calling
on the phone each morning to reserve
and cancel my reservation to New York
I said again, "Yes, please, please get
my bags off. Get my bags off the planc."
And chen as quickly as I said that, I
changed my mind. “No, no, Im on
leave them on. I mean yes, I mean no,
yes, no, I mean no." And then I just fell
into a short circuit: “Yes, no, yes, No, yes,
no." and 1 groaned, almost barking like
a dog, between noes and yeses and noes,
and Meg, who was in front of me, slowly
turned and looked at me as though 1
were going completely mad. Then she
began to move forward toward the plane
without me, and when I saw that, I just
said to the flight attendant, "No, leave

sta
better or for worse, I'm stay

And she said, still very politely, a
though she were dealing with a com-
pletely sane and responsible adult п
“But Mr. North, Pm afraid that you can't
do that. You must accompany your bags
to New York. That's policy.” By this ume,
Meg had already boarded without me
id 1 stood there sweating and shaking
in my self-created hell of confusion, then
I took one giant step and I was on. I got
on the plane to accompany my bags to
New York City. 1 was surprised to find
that I was nor afraid. 1 was without fear.
In fact, 1 was without almost any feeling
all in that completely mad summer of
1976, the year of the great American bi-
centennial, the year of the tall ships, the
strangest year of my life.

COVOTES trimaa

“Rrr-awwww-ers,

› he calls. The sound starts with a

low growl and rises to a thin, hair-raising cry."

tiles.

“These tracks are too old for us," he
ys, examining several sets. He points
out the best places to leave traps, usually
and breaks coyote
Their gray color, he
notes, indicates a meaty diet.

‚Alter a mile or so with no sign of the
calf, we head back to the truck. McNulty
won't hunt for a predator whose handi-
work he hasn't witnessed. But suddenly
he stops. “Bingo,” he whispers, pointing
toa disturbed patch of ground. Obvious-
ly, something of considerable size has
been dragged through here. We follow
the fresh prints back through the sage-
brush and discover 12 inches of gnawed
backbone. McNulty wants to sce more;
we keep looking but find only a few

clumps of muddied red hair. “Here-
ford,” he says.
Squinting into the sun, his back

against a rocky bute, McNulty places his
ands to his mouth and begins to howl.
wwww-err,” he calls. The sound
low growl and rises to a thin,
“Coyotes territori-

and there's always a
a given area. If you
theyll think there's a new coyote
»und here and they'll come out to
vesugate the new Kid on the block.”
howls again and sits back to wait.

The Animal Damage Control pro-
gram began in 1931 when Congress
sed legislation authorizing the De-
rument of the Interior to control
wildlife deemed injurious to agriculture,
forests, range and other wild
a national budget of just
$29,000,000, half of which comes from
you and me in the form of federal
monics, the rest from countics and indi-
vidual ranchers. In the 17 Western states

1990, McNulty and his colleagues
lled 91,219 coyotes, 207 mountain li-
ons and 247 bears—an obscene number
s, one would think. Unless one
made a living raising sheep or caule,

McNulty isn't the only one killing coy-
otes hereabouts. Utah officially classifies
coyotes as varmints, and as such they can
be killed at any time, in unlimited num-
bers, by anyone. And they are. “Every-
body and his dog kills coyotes,” MeNulty
says. “That's just how people grow up
around here. Coyotes kill "dn
Utah, where sheep ranching brings in
$15,600,000 annually, coyotes killed
26,000 sheep and lambs worth about
52,180,000 in 1990. That same year,
ADC's Utah branch spent 80 percent of
its $1,700,000. budget on poisoning,

pping, snaring, gassing and shooting

howl,

vestocl

some 4600 coyotes, lions and bears. The
figure pleases sheep ranchers—though
they'd prefer the number were even
higher. But it horrifies

vocal contingent of cons
vironmentalists and advocates of an
rights, who sum up the agency's mi
deeds as follows: Not only does ADC kill
100 many animals, it Kills the wrong
ones, brutally, too expensively, with
payer money, on public land and to little
real effect.

Fifty years ago, another dea
mount: lion or bear wouldn't set off
any alarms. But in the last half century,
attitudes about. predators have changed
as scientists learn more about their role
in ecosystems. At the same time, large
numbers of people have moved from ru-
ral areas—where predators are an evil of
agricultural life—to cities and suburbs,
where wolves and mountain lions are
poster stars for burgeoning nature
groups. These days, it could be said
predators not only play a recognized bi.
ological role but also a cultural role, em-
bodying the values of wilderness and
wide-open spaces

Ivs no surprise, then, that McNulty
and ADC itself share a tarnished image.
According to the agency's 1990 figures,
ADC killed more than 142,000 mammals
(to coyotes, mountain lions and black
bears, add foxes, bobcats, lynx, skunks,
badgers, porcupines and de:
most a million birds. The
probably low, considering the number of
nontarget animals the agency takes by
mistake and doesn't record. One former
ADC trapper estimates that the number
of nontarget kills may be а
thirds of all animals taken.

As high as those numbers are, they
used to be much worse. Mindful of the
agency's public image, ADC officials are
quick to proclaim the old days of reckless
killing, the so-called numbers game that
gave the agency its poor reputation,
over. But if the numbers game is truly
over, one wonders, why were 91,000 coy-
otes taken in 1990, compared with
36,000 in 1989 and 76,000 in 19887

Vern Wilson's family has been in the
sheep business for more than 100 years,
rotating thousands of animals in a time-
less pattern between the desert, his
lambing grounds and high mountain
pastures in the Manti-La Sal National
Forest їп central Utah. On the range on
a snowy spring day, Wilson bemoans the
state of the sheep industry while his son
ies to warm a couple of lambs just two
hours outside the womb. The shivering

coyote,

s high as two

y small, the size of toy
n a wooden crate
atop a wood-burning stove. “If they
t warm up soon, they're going 10
the younger man.
а fast-talking septuagenarian
gray hair and weather-beaten
features, speaks with the forcefulness of
one under siege. “The sheep indu
being threatened by environme:
he says. eyes flashing. “They wa
the numbers of sheep we can puton the
ге damaging it.
fixed overhead is way up. We have a
tremendous elk problem—they re cat-
ing our forage. And we're not getting
enough for our finished product." Wil-
son gets 48 cents a pound for his lambs
where he once got upwards of 60. "And
then you ve got people eating less lamb
these days, down from four pounds per
capita to a pound and a half”

Because of this small margin of profit,
Wilson worrics even more about preda-
tor control. “Coyotes could put us out of
business," he says. “The only thing lefi
by the time we pay our herders, our

azing fees and fees to the ADC is
in the bottom line, and the coy-
otes are taking it” So are lions and
bears. Wilson lost 21 sheep to one bear
п а killing spree last summer. Each у
he loses between five percent and 9
percent of his sheep to predation.

Wilson relies heavily on ADC's most
controv
gunning. Each winter, wl
kets the. mountains, Wilson and other
ranchers rent a helicopter, at $260 an
hour, and call McNulty. Strapped into an
inertial reel harness, he leans out the
Plexiglas window of a Bell 47, follows
fresh tracks and fires his shotgun at tar-
gets 60 to 70 yards away. The work is
cold, noisy and, with the chopper's fre-
quent dips and climbs off mountain
faces, sickei It's also highly success-
ful: McNulty has killed as many s
coyotes in three hours, though lately
he's down to about ten a day. |

MeNulty flies cach moun arca in
his district three times a wint AL
though it will be months before sheep
arrive on these ranges, and many of
these upland coyotes are, so far, inno-
cent, the law states any animal “about to
do damage” is fair game. “Without con-
trol in the winter,” says Wilson, “we
couldn't live in the summer.

Wilson bristles at the charge that with-
out ADC help he couldn't make a living
at all. “You ve to consider that were
harvesting a renewable natural resource,
the forage,” he says. “We have a right to
protect our private property from public

The tional person can
mobile trailer when he gocs
est, and we have a right to

protect our sheep."

The figures may tell the story. When
McNulty first started in his district,
which had been neglected since 1976,”

155

PLAYBOY

156

he averaged between 200 and 300 coy-
ote kills a year. The numbers gradually
decreased as the district came back “un-
der control.” McNulty believed then, as
he does now, that without his assistance,
inches would fail.

man
•

McNulty visits a rancher named

Randy Campbell who has had some

trouble. We easily find the evidence.
Ravens have made a meal of the dead
lamb's eyes and part of its rectum, but
otherwise the woolly creature shows lit-
de damage, just a small round hole un-
der the neck, indicating a fox or coyote
attack. A bite mark on the top of the
head would point to a bobcat. From its
tiny hoofs, slightly worn, we can tell the
animal had walked, and so was born
alive. With his knife; McNulty makes an
incision in the lamb's scalp. Defily, he
pulls back the gray skin to reveal a
matching tooth puncture on the skull's
other side. "A rule of thumb with little
lambs,” he says as he cuts, "is that for ev-
ery one you find killed, there are three
you don't find."

McNulty may sound a little casual,
prone to guesswork that justifies his ef-
forts, but a couple days with the trapper
reveal he's as much a forensic investiga-
tor as he is an expert marksman. He
walks carefully, noting animal tracks and
picking up scats. Their shape and size
tell him what animals produced them
and what they ate. Ranchers are quick to
blame coyotes for depredation among
if McNulty sees a lot of

bitten and hamstrung lambs, he might
ask a rancher if he's seen his dog late!
"Domestic dogs start out playing a
chasing,” he says. `
the kill.”

When McNulty kills a coyote, he
checks its digestive track for lamb's wool
and its teeth to determine its age. If the
animal's bladder is full, he might careful-
ly cut out the organ and pour its urine
into a jar for later use around traps.

Sometimes McNulty finds buried kills.
Bears kill sloppily, he explains. They
tear off the hide and bury the carcass in
the sun to eat later. They re interested in
rotting flesh, in maggots. Lions kill more
neatly, If the heart and lungs have been
eaten, the lion probably won't return for
more meat; if it does plan to return, it
will bury the carcass in the shade.

A bear hunt, seemingly a grand affair,
holds lile appeal for McNulty. “The
first one of the ycar, you're excited, but
after that it’s no fun." On bear days, Mc-
Nulty rises by three am, loads up his
dogs and prepares himself for a ten- to
15-mile run through rough country.
Once he shoots the bear, he has to skin it
and hike out the pelt, a rifle over one
shoulder, 40 pounds of ripe-smelling fur
strapped to his back. If he has his horse
along. there's an additional problem. Af-
ter a bear hunt a couple seasons ago, M
Nulty says, “I tied that son of a bitch in a
bundle and dragged him back to the
horse. The horse must have brought his
hind leg up to his ear before he let go,
because all that was left of me in that

id
Coyotes go right for

“Do you think we've agreed on enough movies to
consider going to bed together?"

spot was my hat. I couldn't walk straight
for a month." It's no wonder that Mc-
Nulty sometimes opts to destroy the
animal's pelt, bury its gall bladder—
lucrative item on the Asian black mar-
kets—and leave the entire mess in the
forest.

Walking up a wide wash, we discover
another dead lamb, this one without
any gore. Finding a body excites little
emotion, for the bleached skeletons of
cows, lambs, decr, bird: bits, lizards
and coyotes litter these rangelands, The
bones add perspective 10 MeNulty’s
work, not validating it, but somehow
placing man himself in nature's scheme
in the struggle for surv in the wild

Moving through bands of sheep, we
are chased by Great Pyrenees and Al
bash guard dogs. "The dogs are great.
says McNulty, "but I can't use traps,
snares or poisoned bait if they're
around.” Some operators sec guard
dogs as the great barking hope of the in-
dusiry, but their success depends on the
type of terrain they patrol, the size of the.
coyote population and the amount of
land they guard. On many ranches,
guard dogs are next to useless.

McNulty climbs a high, rocky ber
and proceeds to call for coyotes. This a
ternoon's performance is а rep
terday's: The coyotes are igno
“You sce?" he says. "It's not like I'm out
here day gunning down coyotes."

When we get back to the truck, Mc-
Nul ps coffee, eats a Snickers and
plows through three-foot ditches with
one hand on the wheel while | look
through his log book. Yesterday he
killed no animals and today is shaping
up similarly. 1 see days where he took
three coyotes and days where he took 20.

"In a helicopter? . unable to
imagine that much successful ca

“Yew betcher,” he wers. Then he
explains, “You have to keep predators at
a manageable level. The coyote has no
natural predator." He pauses, then adds,
as if the thought had just occurred to
him, "In forty years of hunting and trap-
ping, | have never come across a dead
coyote. Never" What he means, of
course, is that he's never come across a
dead coyote that wasn't killed by the coy-
ote's number-one predator: man.

Later in the day, McNulty revisits the
Jensen calving pasture and successfully
calls up a coyote. But there's a problem:
The sun is rapidly setting, the wind is
picking up, the coyote is 700 yards away
and, as Lam quick to point out, the cattle
were moved from the area this morning,
not to return for an entire

McNulty looks through his scope.
“That beggar's got blood on his face all
the way back to his shoulder,” he says. If
the coyote were a bitch, he would be less
ed to shoot it. He says males, being
larger, are more aggressive about killing
livestock. Females eat more rodents,

more pocket gophers and rabbits.

[still don't understand why he'd want
to take a coyote that w estock
for a full year, even if it has just been
chowing down on a calf. One doesn't
often ask if killing a coyote is right or
wrong in this business: Most ranchers
believe any coyote is a bad coyote.
Whether not it has killed livestock,
the potential to do so is there. In fact,
not all coyotes prey on sheep, and re-
moving a resident coyote that's never
tasted lamb opens up territory for coy-
otes that could potentially make lamb a
regular meal.

Sitting out here in the vast Utah
desert, as the stars begin to appear and
the craggy rocks assume ominous shapes
in the fading light, McNulty and 1 play
out a new chapter in a story with ancient
roots. From the beginning of Western
man's contact with coyotes, that animal
has played a part in legend. To Native
Americans, the coyote was the Trickster,
a con artist, an amusing clown-devil
figure. In other myths, the coyote was
God's Dog, sent by its master into the
world to observe and report back. Mc-
Nulty, while no scholar of history, ad-
mires coyotes purely on their own merit.
He respects them for their beauty and
cunning. “I don't get excitement from
lling them but from luring them," he
says. “There is something about out-
smarting a coyote that gets my heart
thumping.”

T's been estimated that more than
20,000,000 coyotes have been killed in
this century—by ADC, by private citizens
and by local agencies. But the slaughter
scems hardly to have made a dent in
coyote populations, which have swelled
and spread across the country. Today,
nearly 1,500,000 coyotes live in the 17
Western states alone. Hundreds of years
ago, Canis latrans lived only between cen-
tral Mexico and southern Canada, west
of the Mississippi. At the beginning of
this century. however, they began to mi
ica, north
through Alaska, and to the east. Coyotes
can now be found in every continental
state except Delaware; they are expected
there soon.

Man has only himself to blame for the
coyote's proliferation. Biologists call the
species "invigorated" because of the way
it has prospered at the hands of humans.
Man has not only increased the coyote's
range and prey base by clearing forest
nd, he's also virtually eliminated the
coyote's natural competitor, the wolf,
and increased its numbers through con-
stant control. When threatened with ex-
termination, coyotes, like most animals,
respond by breeding at an earlier age
and raising larger litters. In coyote pop-
ulations not undergoing control, says
research ecologist Robert Crabtree. of
Montana State University, between one

and two pups per litter survive. In con-
trolled populations, the coyote's social
system falls apart and. natural
factors are overruled. In these arcas, as
many as six pups per litter survive.

Control has also made coyotes harder
to catch: By killing so many and upping
reproduction rates, says Crabtree, "nat-
ural selection is probably happening at a
ter rate. We're creating more younger
coyotes, coyotes who are warier, more
nocturnal, who kill sheep and avoid
traps, snares and dead meat that may be
poisoned. We've created a coyote night-
mare, a super predator.”

McNulty knows the type, and catching
a super predator only fuels his ego.
"There's a real challenge factor to killing
the older ones because they're so smart,”
he says. “You've got recreational hunters
out there calling coyotes and so they've
wised up by the time I get there. I take a
lot of pride in geuing one that's already
been to grad school

.
he fac that reports of losses to
predators remain consistently high, re-
gardless of how many coyotes are taken,
begs the question: Is ADC effective?

Economically, ADC's cost-benefit ratio
is a bust. In some areas of the West, ADC
spends more than $100 per predator
killed. A lamb, if it outlives disease, harsh
weather, abandonment or predation,
will bring about $60 at market. National-
ly, ADC spends nearly $30,000,000 a
year while losses to the sheep industry
average about $18,000,000

The inequity has prompted considera-
tion of nonlethal control methods or of
dropping ADC in favor of a compensa-
tion program, where livestock operators
would simply be paid for their losses.
(Utah's Division of Wildlife Resources al-
ready pays ranchers 50 percent of an an-
imal's market value for kills attributed to
mountain lions and bears.) But ranchers
aren't interested. “A compensation pro-
gram wouldn't work because eventually
there would be no more sheep left,”
Utah rancher Paul Frischknecht says.
“We'd go out of business.”

Harsh though it may sound, the loss of
some public-lands ranchers would not
plunge the economy into despair nor
would it significantly pinch the nation's
food supply. Publiclands ranchers con-
tribute only two percent to the nation's
red-meat production. "Studies show that
very few Western towns derive more
than five percent of their income from
ranching,” says Lynn Jacobs of the con-
servation group Free Our Public Lands.
"They produce the lowest-quality wool
in the world, and we wind up paying be-
tween eight and ten dollars a pound for
meat once the grazing and predator-
control subsidies arc figured in."

Other critics suggest that ranchers
ought to handle and pay for their own
predator-control work, with an agency

such as Fish and Wildlife enforcing the
McNulty, for one, believes ranchers
left to their own devices would kill more
predators and more nontarget animals,
with crueler and probably illegal meth-
ods, than ADC ever has. The trade in
homemade toxicants would boom.

From his small corner of the West, Mc-
Nulty looks out on an ADC program
that, to his way of thinking, works well.

“I was at one ranch where there had
never been any control," he says. "They
lost thirteen hundred out of four thou-
sand sheep in one summer. I took twen-
ty-six coyotes over the season, and the
next year there were only thirty kills.”
To McNulty, this story spells success. To
others, 26 covotes is a lot of animals to
kill and still have 30 losses.

McNulty finds himself wedged un-
comfortably between hardheaded envi-
ronmentalists and hardheaded ranch-
ers. "No one sees the total picture,” he
says defensively, “but 1 do. You can't tell
a livestock operator that not all coyotes
eat lamb. And you can't tell an environ-
mentalist that coyotes don't eat just the
lame and the sick.

For McNulty, the situation is clear:
There's no way to protect flocks without
Killing predators. He rarely kills an inno-
cent bear or lion, and if he takes out in-
nocent coyotes in the course of eliminat-
ing the guilty he can live with it.
“There's no way to sugarcoat what I do,"
he says. “The bullet, the steel trap, that's
the real world. This is not National Geo-
graphic. My job is to stop depredation
and I do."

As the stock of ranchers, environmen-
talists, federal trappers and predators
rises and falls with political debate, the
only clear winner may be the coyote it-
self. Ranchers continue to lose animals,
perhaps im sustainable numbers, per-
haps not. Environmentalists deplore the
loss of wildlife. Trappers play catch-up—
with state regulauons, an increasingly
critical public, continuing depredation.
Lions, bears and other wildlife continue
to fall to guns, traps and poisons. But the
coyote, wily beast, carries on—in greater
numbers, to farther reaches, stronger,
smarter and better at what it already
does best.

In the springtime, McNulty is busier
than ever, working seven days a week to
keep up with coyotes nov intent on feed-
ing their pups. Usually, he can dispatch
the male of a resident pair and stop pre-
dation, but recently this technique f.
him and lambs continued to disappear
from a ranch near the town of Wai
McNulty returns on an overcast morn-
ing to call for the bitch and gets no re-
sponse. But luck visits him in the form of
a sudden rainstorm and he begins to
walk a large circle through a muddy
canyon, steadily cutting in until he lo-
cates a set of tracks that leads him to the

157

FLATS OT

158

animal's den. Inside, he discovers three
lamb legs, with hooves intact, and cight
small pups-

Of all the killing McNulty does—
whether shooting, poisoning, trapping,
snaring or running lions up trees—the
only dirty job, he says, is denning, the
practice of dropping CO; canisters into
dens to suffocate the pups within. “The
pups arc innocent, they're not the cause
of predation but the reason the parents
kill, to bring them food," he says. “I'm
saddened by killing pups, but I'm also
saddened that hule lambs are being
killed.” Does he ever get used to it? "You
dowt get hardened, you just learn to

turn your head. | don't feel guilt. If

there was another way, Fd try it."

Working quickly, MeNulty punches
hole in one end of a CO» canister and
lights the fuse. He drops it inside the
den, blocks the opening with shovelfuls
of dirt and within three minutes, counts
his morning a success

He ends his day at the Allred ranch.
Coyote tracks wander all over this place,
and just this morning Jim Allred had
watched as one hungry specimen, bold
as brass, sprinted across his front yard.
MeNulty and I set out with the gun; as
we walk, he points out the tracks of deer,
coyote and rabbit, the trees that po
pines have rubbed up against.

After several miles, we climb a bench
and McNulty calls into the canyon below.
A herd of deer trots by, a hawk circles.
Another five minutes and McNulty gets
an answer from the opposite direction
“The howling, a chilling sound, never
quits as we crawl on our stomachs to the
diff's edge. “Boy, is he pissed off," Mc-
Nulty whispers, impressed.

Raising the rifle, he scans the deep,
sandy bowl. Then I take a turn at the
scope. The dog is large, white-chested
nd he pivots his head neatly to the side

as he howls. I
thrilled by the fact of his presence—this
{op predator in his natural habitat, do-
ng what he has evolved over the m
ia to do. But at the same time,
angely enough, 1 can easily imagine
shooting the coyote, not so much out of
atavism as out of a desire to play a role in
this classic Western confrontation. We
had stalked the animal, lured him to-
ward us and will now finish him off. Mc-
Nulty invites me to pull the trigger, test-
ing me. Although it isn’t absolute, I no
longer hold a blanket prejudice against
killing coyotes that prey on sheep. Н
helps that there's no shortage of coyot
but Га have fewer qualms if we needed
to eat this animal. I hand the rifle back.
McNulty wants the coyote to move in
nd begins his ion of an injured
abbit. Next he fits an elk diaphragm, a
latex-and-rubber halk-circle, into the
roof of his mouth and makes the sound
of a distressed. fawn. But the coyote
doesn't move. It just sits atop its knoll.

"Adios, big stud," McNulty then whis-
pers, his finger near the trigger. But he
doesn't fire, perhaps giving the animal
one final chance to advance. A moment
passes and the coyote backs off. Now he
gone and will not return. Our disap-
pointment is acute, though di
ment for what is difficult to
wanted the coyote for a multitude of rea-
sons; I was aching for
nouement after several hours’ work and
several days imagining the finality of
this moment.

In a while, snow starts to fall and we
begin our long hike back to the ranch.
We take a different route now, looking
for sev coyotes MeNulty had killed
about this time last year, but the carcass-
es are nowhere to be found.

ome sort of de

“Sunday is са

-appreciation day.”

WORST SENATOR

(continued from page 124)
Castellano. Giuliani had indicted him in
March 1984, along with 20 other racke-
teers, on charges that included 25 mur
ders, Giuliani understood the Senators
reference perfectly He immediately
summoned his top aide, Dennison
Young, to his side as a witness
"You shouldn't talk to me about pend-
g cases.” he then told D'Amato. “Roy
Cohn shouldn't try to communicate with
me through you. Don't talk to me about
this. This should be done lawyer to
lawyer There are proper ways to do
this."

Giuliani says he once believed that
D'Amato carried these messages “be-
cause he was naive." Now he believe:
that the Senator “may have done this
out of arrogance

Looking back on his increasingly
difficult relationship with the Senator,
Giuliani says, think the Castellano
conversation was a turning point in my
relauonship with AL Maybe he was test-
ing to see how far he could go with пи

When Alfonse D'Amato walked into
the Capitol in January 1981, he did so as
the product of the most s
corrupt Republican machine
tion. What the freshman Senator
New York found in Washington—with
its corporate lobbyists, its cash-bloated
political-acuon committees, its patron-
age-ridden bureaucracy and its “ethics
committees- a way of doing bu:
ness altogether familiar to any true son
of the Long Island G.O.P.

And a true son he is. Twenty years be-
fore he reached the Senate, D'Amato was
inducted into the Republican Party of
Nassau County as a young law graduate
who'd failed to find a position in the pri-
vate sector. He was taken care of by a
powerful family £ d who secured for
Al the rather lowly position of law clerk
in the county government. Paying just
over $100 a week, the job didn't portend
à great future, but it introduced him to
the vast empire controlled by the Nassau
Republican organization.

The riotous growth of America's
largest. bedroom community offered
many ways for politicians to enrich
themselves: an ever-growing list of jobs
to be filled, thousands of acres of land to
be developed (with the attendant zoning
nd subsidies, as well
as legal, architectural and engineering
fees) and hundreds of fat contracts to be
let for garbage collection, road mainte-
nance, sewer construction and insur-
ance. In later years, there were franchi:
lor services such as cable television
nd waste recycling. IF your party ran
the government, you could help yourself
tô a little, and often a lot, ol every as-
pect of Long Island's multibillion-dolla
boom. With the proceeds, you could

from

variances, permits

OPPORTUNITY TO enjoy the kind of sexual
relationship that most people only dream about.
Until now, sexual education in
America has been pitiful. Trial
and error learning has led many
couples to “satisfaction,” but not
1o total, joyous, uninhibited sexual
liberation. Many men and women
won't even admit to themselves
(and certainly not to their
partners) that their sex life is not
what they once hoped it would be.
The Better Sex Videotapes
were designed to meet this need,
and to give men and women the
confidence to seek, and achieve,
a higher level of sexual ecstasy.
They are respectable, presented
with moderation and sensitivity
so even the shyest partner can
watch without embarrassment.
They are effective, as each and
every sexual act and variation
is not just talked

Re HERE. RIGHT NOW. THIS IS YOUR

sex life
can start

INTRODUCTORY
OFFER

310 OFF

ORIGINAL PRICE Cd
OF 3905 : Y

Series, Dept. ZPB16, P.O. Box 53
Please send me, in a discreet package, the 90-minute
educational videocassete indicated below.

O VHS O Beta
Ù Better Sex Basics (BSV#1
* Shipping and Handling (Per Order)...

.$32.95

Due to its explicit nature we cannot ship the BSV
Series to Utah, or to anyone under the age of 18.

TOTAL.

SERIES"

For Fastest Service
Credit Card Customers Call.

Your richer

right here.

10, Lighthouse Point, FL 33074

about but demonstrated explicitly by couples willing to
share their love-making skills with viewers.
They are authoritative, written by nationally-famous sex

educator Dr. Judy Seifer. (You
may have seen them featured on
The Joan Rivers Show, Donahue,
and on Hard Copy.)

Send today for Better Sex
Basics. The first tape in the
series, it reintroduces sex not as
our parents saw it but as it can
be today. Not as a subject of
guilt or embarrassment, but as a
potentially unlimited source of
mutual pleasure. Not as a series
of actions and techniques, but as
a shared discovery of our senses
and sensitivities, our feelings
and our fantasies.

Your dreams of a richer sex
life can start becoming reality
right here, right now. Just call or
E send the coupon. Or you
can turn the page, and
look forward only to

your dreams.

OS ===:
Address

City State Zip
Optional: Phone __ Аве

I Money order Check О МЅА Cà MasterCard
Card No. Exp. date
Signature

1-800-232-6612

Tcerify Tam over 18 year of ge.

Seven days à week,
QAM to OPM EST

PLAYBOY

160

build yourself a political juggernaut.

That's exactly what the Nassau Republi-
cans did.
Al D'Amato probably got his first les-

son about the machi mcthods the
day he showed up for work in the coun-
ty ofice. Like every other public employ-
ee in Nassau County, the young attorney
was expected to kick back one percent of
his salary for the Republican organiza-
tion's upkeep. No matter how little you
made, if you wanted a raise, a promo-
tion, some overtime or just not to be laid
off, you paid.

As all machine pols must, D'Amato
waited his turn and paid his one percent.
For this he was regularly promoted to
better county and party jobs. In 1969, he
was put on the G.O.P ticket as Hemp-
stead, New York, tax assessor and, a few
years later, moved up to supervisor and
presiding supervisor:

From the beginning, he instinctively
understood the Nassau County system
of favors. In 1964, D'Amato became the
Island Park G.O.P leader. The following
year, his father nd M. D'Amato, an
surance broker with an office in a
nearby town, began to handle the vil-
ze's insurance needs. According to the
village clerk's office, Island Park's insur-
nce ran to around $20,000 in annual
premiums from 1965 through the carly
Seventies. The contract was awarded on
no-bid basis and Pops D'Amato's take
ncreased as his son moved up. When Al-
fonse became town supervisor, a larger
firm handled Island К insurance

but still handed over all its commissions

to the supervisor's fathe:
This insurance patronage was derived
from a countywide Republican scam. Le-
gitimate brokers seeking town or county
nsurance business had to agree to kick
back part of their commissions to other,
G.O.P-connected agents, who did litle
or no work. As a state investigation later
revealed, at least $400,000 in taxpayers”
money was squandered this way. A fed-
eral probe of the insurance conspiracy in
the early Eighties finally put D'Amato's
mentor, county boss Joseph Margiotta,
in prison.

D'Amato survived the scandals of the
machine while others were
shed, in part by lying to a 1075

nd jury about his personal knowl-
edge of the one-percent system. But he
was sull almost unknown to the rest of
New York when he decided in 1980 to
challenge the state's distinguished but
aging Republican senior Senator, Jacob
Javits. D'Amato mounted a series of bru-
tal televised attacks on Javits suggesting
he was too old, too infirm and too liberal

never ide al

had
conserval
servative abc
sau machine. But ever alert to shi

There was nothing con-

winds, he learned to speak the language
of the rising Reaganites

Political insiders in New York and
Washington were stunned when these
tactics won the Republic imary for
D'Amato. They wei ken when
the nasal-voiced, cheap-suited local pol
went on to win the general election in a
three-way race against Javits and the
Democratic nominee, Elizabeth Holtz-
man. What was scarcely noticed amid
the wailing over the defeat of an elder
statesman was how much D'Amato spent
to win, and where he got the money

Nobody who owed anything to the
Nassau machine went unsqueezed after
its favorite son announced his cani y.
Everyone on a public payroll—even
Comprehensive Education and Training
Act county workers, poor trainees who
made subsistence salaries—was expected
to ante up. So did professors at the com-
munity college who, like all other county
workers, owed their jobs to political
connections.

The big money came not from these
little people but from high rollers whose
fortunes had been made in D'Amato's
town hall. Companies that leased trucks
to the town of Hempstead gave. Conces-
sionaires who ran restaurants and golf
courses on public property gave. Devel-
opers who had received tax breaks or
zoning changes gave, sometimes within
days of winning the favors they'd sought.
Executives of the cable TV company that
had just been awarded the county fran-
chise, without so much as a public hear-
ng, also gave. And so did the builders of
a controversial $135.000,000. recycling.
plant that had been brought into Hemp-
stead on unusually favorable terms by
D'Amato himself. In 1977, the same de-
velopers had handed him a blank check
in front of a campaign aide.

Such gifis in the primary amounted to
well over $100,000, a figure quickly
dwarfed when money poured in for the
general election. And that early estimate
didn’t include an unsecured campaign
loan of $80,000 from the Bank of New
York, which gave borrower D'Amato a
bargain interest rate eight points below
prime. He insisted this had nothing to
do with his longtime practice of deposi
ng millions of the town's tax revenues in
the same understandably grateful bank
without getting a penny of interest for
the taxpayers,

Most of this went. unnoticed in the
mainstream media, which gave D'Amato
the free pass he continued to enjoy for
years after he entered the Senate. New
York magazine noted, without irony, that
D'Amato seemed “intent on retai
down-home ways.” Occasional profiles
n The New York Times referred admiring-
ly to his “hard-won st the Sen-
ate and praised him for "sticking to local
interests.” Critics were given short shrifi,
and the good gray New York Times even

found the words to endorse for reclec-
tion the Senator who'd testified on be-
half of a Mafia associate.

Thus guarded against re-
proach, D'Amato went about being a
Senator—his way. His offices won
renown for constituent service, offering
cheerful help to every caller with a Soc
Security or Veterans. Administration
problem. On the Hill, where D'Amato
was awarded a valuable seat on the
Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs
Committee, he became known as an ab-
normally unscrupulous expert in back-
scratching, favor-tading and contribu-
tion-grabbing.

D'Amatos abrasive style has won few
admirers among his clubbish, slightly
snobby colleagues. It also hasn't met
with much success in the White House,
where he has regularly twisted arms
The Senate Ethics Committee whitewash
last summer was done not out of allec-
n but expediency—though the Sena-
tor does enjoy the friendship of the com-
mittee's ranking Republican, Warren
Rudman. The Fonz, as D'Amato is
known, habitually throws his arms
around old pals and new acquaintances.
pinches their cheeks, and addresses e
eryone as "babes."

Although he is physically unimpres-
sive, the former high school hurdler
considers himself a tough guy and
prone to violent gestures. During the
1980 election, he went to Grand Central
Station looking for the husb:
loyal campaign staffer, and whe
man appeared, D'Amato cursed

pub

and

der in
nd, is another casu-
айу. “It was the Sunday before the 1989
election,” he recalls, “and all of the
politicians on Long Island were at a
breakfast sponsored by an Ialian-Ai
ican group. It was really a sort of cam-
paign rally for the Republicans, but 1
was invited, so 1 went anyway, just to
show my face. So Im walking in front of
the dais, shaking hands and greeting
people. and I see D'Amato. He stands up
nd starts screaming at me: “You fucking
scumbag! Who the hell do you think you
are? You fucking cunt! You fucking bas-
tard! I'm gc you.’

“Then he lui across the dais,
swinging his arm, and falls on the table;
Korn says. “The guy next to him
grabbed him, and I just said, "Nice to see
you, Se nd kept walking. |
should ve let him hit me.”

The reason D'Amato was so furious at
Korn was that the gadfly Democrat had
threatened to subpoena him in a citizen
lawsuit charging misuse of taxpayer
funds in one of the old land-develop-
ment schemes of the Nassau machine. It
was a curious rcaction, because when the
incident occurred, D'Amato already had
much bigger problems. In the middle of

suburban Long Isl

his second term, the Senator's ethical
lapses were finally auracting notice
among his collcagues and in the press.

‘The process began on the front page
of The Wall Street Journal, of all place:
which published path-breaking stories
about D'Amato's favoritism toward in-
vestment-banking contributors in th
ing of Banking Subcommittee legis-
lation, and about his high-pressure
fund-raising tactics in the financial com-
munity. Then The New Republic pub-
ished a cover story by Murr
that portrayed D'Amato as
Shakedown."

By the time Mark Green, D'Amato's
1986 election opponent, lodged an
official complaint with the Senate Ethics
Committee in 1989, he could credibly al-
lege that D'Amato in more
than a dozen ethic: As men-
tioned above, the result was a timid slap
оп the wrist from Senate colleagues who

‘Senator

scemed more interested in their public
images than in seeing justice done.
ctments came down ag;

When indi
Wedtech, the pseudominority Bronx
firm that used bribery and fraud to win
big defense contracts, there was D'Ama-

The Senator had strong-armed the
Pentagon into helping Wedtech, and his
campaign had, according to the testimo-
ny of a former Wedtech official, received
about $30,000 in illegal cash Б ntribu

nobody could prove that D'Amato knew
about these funds, and he eventually
ended up as a prosecution witness
against one of his closest friends, Mario
Biaggi, the Bronx Congressman who
was convicted along with several other
politicians in the case.

But that debacle was nothing com-
pared to the savings-and-loan scandal
nd the related collapse of the junk bond
market and Drexel Burnham Lambert
At their nexus on Capitol Hill stood Al
D'Amato, palm outstretched.

By almost every measure, D'Amato
was the favorite Senator of the high
flying financial crowd that. dominated
the Eighties. He received $88,000 in
ampaign donations from the savings-
nd-loan industry, ranking fifth in this
egard in the Senate, just below Senator
Alan Cranston (D-Cal.). He was the
third-ranking recipient of honorari
from the financial industry, raking
000 over a four-year period. The
only Senators who got more in com-
bined donations and honoraria were
Donald Riegle (D-Mich.) of the Keating
Five and Jake Garn (R-Utah).

A large chunk of D'Amato's money
came direaly from the doomed direc
tors of Drexel Burnham Lambert, which
did big business selling soon-to-be
worthless junk bonds to the soon-to-be
insolvent S&Ls. The Wall Street Journal
reported that in 1985, "just one week be-

fore holding a hea

ing on a proposal to
limit purchases of junk bonds by federal-
ly regulated thrift institutions,” D'Amato
was treated by Michael Milken and other
Drexel executives 10 a $1000-a-plate
dinner at Chasen's restaurant in Beverly
Hills. They wanted D'Amato to kill the
legislation that would have restricted
their scheme, and he did. Five days later,
he got another $18.000 from Drexel.
nd within a year, his total take from
Milken and company topped $70,000

Lacking any evidence that D'Amato
had promised to do specific favors for
specific donations, no one could prove
that his relationship with Drexel was ille-
gal. It was simply the way D'Amato had
done politics ever since his apprenuce-
ship with the Republican machine in
Island Park. But he slid much closer to
the edge in two other national disgraces
of the Reagan етае blatant influ-
ence-peddling uncovered at both Hou:
ing and Urban Development and the
Pentagon.

The HUD scandal is the centerpiece of
D'Amato's current table of woes. Not on-
ly were his dealings at HUD the main
subject of the Senate ethics investigation,
they are also currently attracüng the
scrutiny of a special prosecutor in Wash-
ington and a separate federal grand jur
on Long Island. A major D'Amato fünd-
raiser who received HUD favors has al-
ready been indicted in Puerto Rico, but

PLAYBOY

162

he was only a minor player. The inquiry
being pursued by the teams of lawyers,
accountants and FBI agents is a long and
complex one, though the basic question
simple: Did an inside group of devel-
opers and consultants illicitly obtain
millions of federal dollars because of
D'Amato's intercession, and if so, how?

Thanks to his seat on the Senate sub-
committee that controlled HUD appro-
priations, D'Amato eventually amassed
so much power at the department that
officials there jokingly referred to him as
their boss. D'Amato controlled the ap-
pointments of the regional directors who
ran HUD's billion-dollar subsidy pro-
grams covering New York, New Jersey
and Puerto Rico. So tight was his grip
p he forced the White House to ap-
t Geraldine McGann, a neighbor
Кот back home оп Long Island, as di-
rector of the agency's New York office.
Friends, former staffers and even a girl-
friend of D'Amato's (he is separated
from his wife) showed up in high posi-
tions on the HUD organization chart.
And again, his campaign coffers were
generously replenished, this time by
contractors and developers whose inter-
ests he pursued through the HUD ap-
pointees loyal to him.

There was something strange and ulti-
mately ironic about the way D'Amato
threw his weight around at HUD. He
pressed the concerns of contributors and
he sought funding for projects in his
home state, the way many Senators
might have done. But when a House
committee investigated HUD in 1989
and the deals involving D'Amato were
added up, he appeared to have a pecu-
liar interest in Puerto Rico. In percent-
age terms, the little island had received a
far larger share of HUD monies than
New York. The Senator, who has never
demonstrated the slightest solicitude for
poor people in general or Hispanics in
particular, received contributions—some
so large as to be illegal—from certain
builders and consultants on the island
who had reaped millions in HUD grants
pushed by D'Amato's office. One of
D'Amato's top fund-raiscrs on the is-
land, a Cuban American named Eduar-
do Lopez Ballori, has already been
indicted for concealing $32,200 in con-
tributions to D'Amato under false
names. (D'Amato has since announced
he will donate the illegal funds to chari-
ty.) There was nothing new or surprising
about the favors for Puerto Rican con-
tributors, except that they belied D'Ama-
to’s boast about delivering for his state
above all.

Even as the HUD scandal broke
around him, D'Amato was in the process
of securing government money for a big
development in Sackets Harbor, New
York, for a company named Jobco. The
pattern was the same. The executives of
Jobco, which received HUD grants and
loans for work in Sackets Harbor total-

ing $6,500,000, had raised more than
$25,000 for D'Amato's campaign trea-
sury. And on November 3, 1986, while
Scnator D'Amato was aggressively lobby-
g HUD on its behalf, Jobco received а
bill of $150,000 from its attorney, who
happened to be the Senator's brother,
Armand P. D'Amato. In the midst of all
this, the Senator was vociferously pro-
testing his innocence, even as the docu-
mentary evidence piled up around him

About the same time the Senator was
fighting for his brother's client at HUD,
both D'Amatos were neck-decp in an-
other national disgrace across the Po-
tomac. In April 1988, FBI agents were
listening to a phone conversation be-
tween Charles Gardner and Dennis
Mitchell, two Unisys executives whose
chatter had already provided evidence
of a $5,000,000 slush fund used to steer
Pentagon contracts to the giant Long
Island defense contractor. These wire-
taps were part of an investigation code-
named Ill Wind, which would eventually
lead to more than two dozen convic-
tions, including guilty pleas by Gardner

and Mitchell.

Sitting with headsets and notebooks as
the tape ran, the agents heard a Unisys
official asking, "How to handle the rest
Then,

of [Armand] D'Amato's pay?”
three days later, the agents heard
mer say that Armand D'Amato had
turned in “the nicest reports.” and ask
Mitchell, “Who wrote them?” He replied
that he had written them for D'Amato.
sardner then warned Mitchell to make
sure he carried out his ghostwriting on
Senator D'Amato's office stationery.
These two snippets sparked a federal
investigation into the role played by the
D'Amato brothers in hundreds of mil-
lions of dollars’ worth of Navy contracts
awarded to Unisys. The FBI found that
between 1986 and 1988, Unisys paid Ar-
mand D'Amato's law firm $188,000. But
the payments weren't for legal services,
because the firm wasn't doing normal le-
gal work. Labeled “consultant” or “lob-
bying" fees and laundered through dum-
my corporations, these were thought to
be payments for Armand's sway over Al-
fonse. On two occasions, Armand ghost-
wrote letters on the Senators’ stationery,
urging that Unisys be awarded lucrative
contracts, and sent them to the Secretary
of the Nav
The first leuer appeared on the desk
of Secretary John Lehman in July 1986.
D'Amato wanted Lehman to pure
Unisys missile-firing kits that the Navy
Secretary had previously rejected as ob-
solete. It was a classic Washington
squeeze. As a member of both the Armed
Services Committee and the Appropria-
tions Committee's powerful subcommit-
їсс on defense, D'Amato was a Senator
with power over Lehman’s entire bud-

get. The Secretary ordered almost
$100,000,000 worth of the obsolete
firing kits

On December 1, 1987, Armand again
used the Senator's letterhead to write to
Lehman's successor, James Webb, seek-
ing a role for Unisys in building a new
warship radar system. The letter con-
cluded quite bluntly: “As a member of

the Appropriations Committee, | would

appreciate being advised of your plans
in this regard.” Unisys was given what
it wanted.

Drafts of these same letters were dis-
covered by FBI agents when they
searched Armand D'Amato's law offices
The originals had been written by
Unisys employees, then taken to the
Senator's office by Armand to be placed
on Senate letterhead and sent out over
Alfonse D'Amato's signature.

Again, there were legal fees as well as
campaign contributions—in this case,
$10,000 to the Friends of Al D'Amato
in illegal, laundered gifts from Unisys
executives. The donors had been or-
dered by their superiors to make dona-
tions to D'Amato and to get reimbursed
by lalsifying their expense accounts. Ul-
timately, these costs were borne by the
taxpayer: In July 1991, the prosecutors
asked that D'Amato return this money,
which he did.

By the fall of 1990, Gardner (then
serving a 32-month sentence for bribery)
and Mitchell were cooperating with fed-
eral prosecutors against Armand D'Ama-
10. Those prosecutors felt they had
enough by March 1991 to request per-
mission from the Justice Department to
indict Armand for fraud and unregis-
tered lobbying. At presstime, they were
still awaiting that permission.

As these baying hounds gain ground
on him, Senator D'Amato is running fu-
riously for his third term. Joining the
chase is an cager group of contenders
who sense that if the feds don't bring
D'Amato down first, the voters will sure-
ly do so in November.

There seems to be an inevitability to
the arc of Al D'Amato's career. As the
first US. Senator produced by one of
the Republicans’ most corrupt suburban
machines, it was possibly his fate to be-
come a one-man employment program
for FBI agents, special investigators and
aking reporters. His carcer was
n the ooze of one-percent. kick-
backs for patronage jobs and it grew
in the slime of Mob friends and favors,
of campaign contributions and quid
pro quo.

The after D'Amato won the Re-
publican primary in 1980, one of the
most powerful о York
State, who had
many years, said pri
will serve two terms in the Senate
one term in Allenwood.”

He was referring to

penitentiary.

the federal

JAPANESE PROBLEM

(continued from page 33)

Night Live, 1 did have William Shatner in
my office in his boxer shorts. I instruct-
ed him to grab his own backside and
"Look at this buu! Is that a beau-
iful butt?” And when he grabbed his
own backside, gentlemen, and shouted,
"Look at this butt!" I had the distaste to
realize this was the highlight of my sex
life at the office.

Yes.

Auractive persons of all ages and both
sexes are thrown together in offices
eight hours a day in seductive struggles
for money and power, and the wretched
creatures are being driven almost witless
from lack of sex. Is this healthy? The
American office is the single best place
invented for sex. Where else furnishes a
finer excuse for encountering women,
provides a smoother playing field for
meeting as equals and supplies such glo-
rious opportunities 2000 hours a year?
What other locale possesses hot pools of
young buds—the typing pool, the steno
pool? What exotic land has
so voluptuous, e.g., “You tell vice presi-
dent Dunbar she can go fuck herself"?
And best of all, where else do you have
the daily, repeated, incessant, perpetual
chance to fall in love?

The office is the place, and we should
have more sex there, not less.

Given these facts, as good business-
people, we must demand that our corpo-
rate directors immediately take action
and guarantee more sex in the office. As
interested citizens, we must flood Wash-
ington with telegrams demanding that
the Senate stop having sex in its own
offices and hold hearings at once. These
hearings should be televised and 150 shy
but shapely women wearing see-through
blouses should go before the cameras
and tell terrifying and disgusting stories
about their frightful reactions to not
having enough sex in the office. People
in wheelchairs who have not had enough
sex in the office should be photographed
being carried up the Senate steps. Seven
women from the House of Representa-
tives should storm the Senate foo:
burst into tears because they are
ing enough sex in the office.

Yes, gentlemen, the American work-
place is dull and stupid enough. Would
it not be more interesting to go to the
office if we knew we were going there to
have sex? Would we not think more
, behave more alertly, look more
е and toil more competitively if
we could step off the elevator, open the

How much
firm, for
bungalow

y would it cost you
stance, to build a cinder-block
ke they have at Attica? What

STYLE

Page 28: "Prints Charm-
ing”: Shorts by Island
Trading Company, at
Fashion Channel, Ltd.,
510 Brighton Beach
Avc., Brooklyn, 718-648-
1254; Island Trading

Company, 15 Е, Fourth
: oe

va, at J.M.R. Chalk Ga
den, West Coast, to
order, 805-494-9395; Cignal, for store
locations, 410-538-1000; Oak Tree,
for store locations, 800-325-3523. By
Aqualung, a Merry Go Round, for
store locations, 410-538-1000. By Au-
tograph, at International Male, 619-
544-9900 ext. 7559; Boogie's Diner,
for store locations, 800-888-4422.
Jeans by Gurilla Biscuit, at Macy's
Herald Square, N.Y.C., to order, 212-
560-4696; select Dayton's, Hudson's,
Marshall Field's; Fred Segal Melrose,
8100 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, 213-
651-4129. Shorts by Nit; Wii, for store
locations, 213 687 0434. "Dare to
Bare И”: Sweater by Joseph Abboud, at
Bloomingdale's, 1000 Third Ave.,
N.Y. 212-705-3030; Joseph Ab-
boud, 37 Newbury St., Boston, 617-
266-4200; Jay Wolf/Los Angeles, 517
N. Robertson Blvd., West Hollywood,
310-273-9893. Jacket by Cianmarco
Venturi, at Gianmarco Venturi, 820
Madison Ave., N.Y.C., 212-472-5083;
StuaryChicago, 102 E. Oak St., Chica-
go, 800-428-1990; Lenzo, 131 N. La
Cienega Blvd., Los Angeles, 213-651-
1272. Tops by Jean Paul Gaultier, at
Marshall Field's Water Tower store,

ы;

HOW TO BUY

Chicago, 312-781-1234;
Macys, San Francisco;
select Bullock's stores.
*Hot Shopping: Vancou-
ver": Mark. James, 604-
734-2381; Boys Co,
604-684-5656; Bench
Sports, 604-685-1111;
The Syndicate, 604-688-
5552; Boboli, 604-736-
3458; Mescalero, 604-
669-2399.

PLAYBOY COLLECTION

Pages 106-109: Clock radio by Sony,
for store locations, 800-222-sowv.
Watch by Bulova, at Smart Jewelers, to
order, 800-422-6999; Feldmar Watch
& Clock Center, 9000 W. Pico Blvd.,
Los Angeles, 213-272-1196. Tooth-
brush sanitizer by Purebrush, to order
or for store locations, 407-834-8020.
Rubber-band gun by Gatlin, to order,
800-683-Guns. Car-care kit by Zymöl,
to order or for store locations, 800-
999-5563; Via Moto, Water Tower
Place, 875 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
312-943-1700. Knife by TriEdge, to or-
der, 800-421-6787. Radar detector by
Cobra, for store locations or product
information, 800-cosRa-22. Golf clubs
by ATI, to order or for store locations,
800-477-2007.

PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE

Page 165: Fax machines: By Ricoh
Corporation, for store locations, 800-
603-rıcon. By АТӘТ, for store lo-
cations, 800-225-5627. By Murata/Mu-
ratec, to order or for store locations,
800-543-4636.

trouble could it be for your union to ne-
gotiate a contract that guarantees healthy
sexual relations along with healthy work
conditions?

Here, gentlemen, is the satisfying so-
lution to the Japanese Problem. Ameri-
can rodeo sex will in: jur workers
five times nese morn-
ing exerc ns would
soon ошип the Japanese and the Ger-
mans, and neck their way back to world
preeminence. And with overflowing
profits, U.S. companies would create
more jobs to provide the opportunity
for more sex in the office and thus solve
our horrible unemployment. problems.
ime figures will drop, Barbara Bu
will lose 20 pounds, and with the n

ive

bags of greenbacks from a bursting econ-
omy, America will build palaces for the
homeless, gorge the hungry and educate
the ignorant all round God's green globe.

Gentlemen. readers of Playboy: The
office should be a sexy place! And if it
is not, you must tender your resigna-
tion immediately. If you find quitting to
be absolutely impossible for career or
monetary reasons, I have the followi
recommendations:

(1) Do not be timid because feminists
are beating on you like a gong.
(2) Ai not be id to be a man. Take
" with grace, and take

163

PLAYBOY

MICHAEL JORDAN continua pan page 6

"I don't need the cheers. Рт not going to wake up in
the night and say, Why did the screaming stop?'^

JORDAN: I'd say four years. If E make it, I
make it. If I get tired of basketball soon-
er, I won't make it, All this negative crap
that has happened. Who needs it?
PLAYBOY: What if Reinsdorf wanted to
make it worth your while to play longer,
to keep the stadium full?

JORDAN: | would never play an extra
year for money. I play the game because
IL love it. I just so happen to get paid. If 1
don't feel 1 still enjoy the game, I can
care less what a year is worth. I'm not
going to play the game just because
of money.

PLAYBOY: Somehow, it’s hard to imagi
you just walking away.

JORDAN: People keep saying, Well,
're never going to be able to walk
you're always going to want that
ht. All these old boxers come
back, but not me. Once I walk ам Im
walking away. I'm not going to embar-
rass myself coming back, like 1 really
need that roar of the crowd to live. It was
good while it lasted. Pve got memories of
it. 1 don't need it again to continue to
live. That's what my family is for.

т Whats it like to be a married
Docs it take pressure off, or
put more on?

JORDAN: It's great.

PLAYBOY: Why?

JORDAN: It was а well-timed decision to
settle down and get married. And it's
been a more laid-back environment for
me with a wife and two kids. If I were
seeing a person, I might be more ner-
vous about infection than 1 am -now. It
would have been magnified even more
for me if I were single. But I made a
Choice to get married and to have kids
and to seule down with the family, and
I'm glad 1 made it.
PLAYBOY: You grew up.
family environment. Di
to get married?
JORDAN: It wa

n a pretty stable
it seem natural

like walking into another
unknown situation. But I was ready to
learn what marriage was all about. Every
day you learn something. To live with
another person for the rest of your life,
that’s something you have to work at.
You're going to have some good times,
some bad times. As a couple, asa u
a family you gota fight your way
through it. But having kids always over-
rides any problems. And you know, it's
sad to say but especially considering
Magic Johnson's situation, I look at my
d think, I'm very fortunate.

do you want a bunch more
JORDAN: Not a bunch more. Maybe a

164 couple more

PLAYBOY: How does Juanita feel about
1

JORDAN: She's with me. But she wants all
boys; I want two girls. | had two brothers
and two sisters, so I want a combination
of both.

PLAYBOY: Are you worried about your
boys, in terms of being Michael Jordan's
sons?

JORDAN: No. I just want them to have
their own lives. Im not going to try to
guide them anywhere. I just want to
teach them оп ng, then let
them make their own decisions. 1 know
Jefliey loves basketball. He has a basket-
ball hoop in every room.

PLAYBOY: Does he understand the game?
JORDAN: Yeah. He travels a lot. He
knows how to shoot a free throw. I tell
him to shoot a free throw, and he backs
up, dribbles, concentrates, boom. When
he goes in for a dunk, he holds his form.
And when he's really excited about
things, he starts shooting and saying Ks’
He's a show-off, man.

PLAYBOY: Whom do you look to for
guidance?

JORDAN: Most of my guidance has come
from my parents. My mom told me to
deal with life as it comes. enjoy it as it
comes, and that’s what Гуе been doing
Good, bad or ugly. Whatever good that
happens, I'm grateful. 1 give all my re-
spect and tribute to whoever has a hi
in it. But when all the bad stuff comes
try to deal with it in a positive manner.
PLAYBOY: Are you looking at other р
ers to see how they handled the tra
tion from the N.B.A. back to private life?
JORDAN: Julius Erving is doing exactly
what | want to do. Do you ever sec
Julius? Do you ever hear from Julius?
But I know Julius is doing something he
wants to do, and he's kind of taken a step.
back from public life. That's exactly what
1 want to do. When his time was up and
he walked away from the game, hc
walked away proud, respected. Exacıly
what L want to do. When I feel that I've
reached my peak and 1 can feel my skills
diminishing, or 1f other players that I
used to dominate have caught up with
me and are on the same level, | want to
step away.
PLAYBOY: You know there's going to be a
long line of guys cager to take you apa
100.

JORDAN: And there'd be a long line of
articles saying so-and-so killed Jordan
tonight. l'd rather step away from the
game before I subject myself 10 that,
without a doubt.

PLAYBOY: Very few people have ever

been able to walk away.
JORDAN: You know what | think? Very
few people play because they love the
game. Most of them play because they
make good money. They keep playing
because of the money. I could care less
about it. In five years, 1 would probably
stand to make six to seven million dol-
lars, maybe even more than that. But if I
don't love the game, no check is going to
keep me playing.

PLAYBOY: Would you ever consider going
to play in Europe after you retire from
the N.B.A.?

JORDAN: Ycah, Гуе thought about it. 1
would love to go to Europe to play for
one year. I could play once a week. It
would be like a field trip.

PLAYBOY: What won't you miss when you
quit the game?

JORDAN: | won't miss the glare, I won't
miss the aggravations of people waiting
for autographs at all times of the night
The hotels, I won't miss all that.
PLAYBOY: What about the screams?
JORDAN: | won't miss that, either. Scream-
ing for another human being is sort of a
waste. What's the purpose of screaming?
You're not hurt. are you? I don't need
the screams and the cheers and I'm not
going to wake up in the middle of the
night and say, "Why did the screaming
stop?” Because I really didn’t nced it to
keep me going, anyway. It was that inner
determination to prove to people that,
hey, whatever you think I cant do, I can
do. Even last year after we won it all—
and I showed people that I could pass, 1
showed people | can play defense, 1
showed people I could shoot—they said,
Let's see him do it a whole ye:

PLAYBOY: Whats left? What's the chal-
lenge now?
JORDAN: The challenge is to keep win-

and get more rings. People don't
ider you great until you have three,
four, maybe five rings. They consider
you the greatest if your team is winning.
I want to continue to win and make sure
Im an important factor in winning
PLAYBOY: What do you think you'll m
the most about basketball when you
retire?

JORDAN: The competition, the pre-sea-
son. I get a kick out of that, comi k
for the next year and going through
training camp and secing all the new
players. You go at them and challenge
them every day, When someone asks,
“What's Michael Jordan like to play
with?" E want them to say he busts his ass
at practice. He plays at practice like he
plays in the game. When 1 play against
someone that’s new in the league, I
make him respect me. They may have
heard about me, but now you get to see
me actually in front of you. That drives
me. Like playing out West, They dont
get to see us that much, I want to come
їп and say, This is what you're missing.

STEVE CONWAY

>>> THE FAX OF LIFE

ax facts: Although the process was invented about 1850, it
wasn't until the past decade, when transmission time shrank
and quality improved, that the iax boom began. Today,
there are over 6,000,000 {ах machines installed in business
and home offices. But the big news is that portable fax machines
have become almost as hot as cellular phones. Pictured below are

three: AT&T's Salari NSX/20 notebook computer offers two-way
fax transmission, while Ricoh's 11"x7"x2" PF-1 is recognized by the
Guinness Book of World Records as the world's smallest facsimile
machine capable of sending and receiving letter-sized documents.
And the last model, the Murata/Muratec M750, even incorporates
a full-function telephone and а photocopier. And that’s a fax.

Below, left to right: Ricoh’s PF-1 portable fax machine, which weighs only 5.5 pounds, can be used with three power sources: by an adapter
from a car's cigarette lighter, a rechargeable battery pack or an A.C. adapter, $1495. The Safari NSX/20 notebook computer, by AT&T, weighs
only 7.3 pounds. It has many features, including the ability to send and receive faxes, about $4200. Murata/Muratec's compact M750 fax ma-
chine/telephone/copier features 15-second document-transmission speed, an answering-device connection and a voice/lax switch, about $600.

GRAPEVINE

Getting Both Legs Up on Spring
Italian model NELLA PASSARELLA shed her clothes for the sleeve art of Liverpool rock group Rain's single
by having her photograph covered in peel-off-sticker raindrops. We call that pretty clever promotion.

How would you say Nella in Italian? Bella, of cour:

What Becomes a
Legend Host?

и may not be politically correct in the
Nineties, but comedian SINBAD donned
floor-length white ermine for a comedy
sketch. He had a starring role in Necessary
Roughness, was a series regular on TV's A
Different World and a comedy-special host.
Look for his comedy LP Brain Damaged and
have a good laugh.

Creating a Buzz

Haye you heard VOICE OF THE BEEHIVE? Check out the LP Hone
andilhe Monsters and Angels, and then save a few ЫЙ
U.Sigoncert four early іп the summer. The sweet т of sud

All That Glitters
Is Metal
Hot Seattle metalheads
SOUNDGARDEN have
toured with both Skid Row
and Guns n' Roses, playing
their hit single Outshined
from the LP Badmotorfinger.
They'll stay on the road until
Washington State is famous
for more than apples.

Brian's
Vibrations
Are Getting
Better

With his problems
behind him, Beach
Boy BRIAN WIL-
SON can get back
to making music.
He told all in his
autobiography,
Wouldn't It Be
Nice. He's look-
ing for Rhon-
da to be his
muse, again.

Who Wears
Short Shorts?
Actress SAZZY LEE, that's
who. She's had a regular
role on TV's Baywatch and
graces the movie Angel
Eyes with Erik Estrada.
Sazzy's snazzy.

Melinda’s
Back
and We

Have It
Starlet MELINDA.
ARMSTRONG is
seriously cute.
She's appeared in
national ads for
Sears and Toyota,
had a guest shot
on TV's Growing
Pains and played
the lead in Bikini
Summer. What
more could we
wish for?

чу T M

POTPOURRI

WATCH WORDS TO THE WISE

1f you have time on your mind and bucks in
your wallet, then the International Collectors of
Time Association may be just your club. For
$100 a year, you get six issues of the club's slick
magazine, Timetalk, that’s crammed full of pho-
tos and articles on rare or antique wristwatches,
pocket watches and cigarette lighters. Plus,
there are meetings in New York, Hong Kong
and London, and more. Drop a line 10 1 Old
Country Road, Suite 330, Carle Place, New
York 11514 or call 212-838-45

ACTING UP

Think of Caught in the
Actas a Nineties ver-
sion of the game Clue.
Only the act that occurs
i idinous rather
urderous, and
is a bachelor
apartment complete
with great room and
whirlpool rather than a
creepy old mansion.
Like Clue, the winner is
the Sherlock who iden-
tifies the missing
cards—and the couple
engaged in sex. (A
cheerleader. a jock, a
nurse. a banker, a
playboy, a detective, a
doctor and other char-
acters have replaced
Miss Scarlet, Coloncl
Mustard, Mr. Green
and the rest of the Clue
gang.) To order a game
for $29.95, call the cre-
ator, TNT Games in
Columbus, Ohio, at
800-284-7529.

GIVE YOURSELF A HAND

Blame it on the movie The Addams Family, in

which a disembodied hand named Thing ran
away with the film. Now battery-powered life-
sized squirming hands are selling hand over

Fist, and the Hands On Distributing C
number-one distributor of the produc
down. Two styles are available: a hand w
self-contained battery pack for $17.50, and one
with an external battery pack for y
postpaid. To order, let your fingers do the walk-
ing: 212-496-5150. Thing's been thumbed out.

A WATERY GROOVE

No, the boat illustrated above isn't a science-fiction artist's notion
of what a 21st Century passenger craft would be like. It's the
$125,000,000 SSC Radisson Diamond, the largest twin-hull cruisc
ship ever constructed, which will soon be cruising the Caribbean
out of San Juan, Ports of call will include St. Kitts-Nevi:

St. Thomas and St, John. What really separ

t that 123
five- and

STICK IT!

Looking for a different way to commemo-
rate all those great moments in your life,
such as your ex-wife getting remarried?
ontact Hal Yoak, a gentleman at 11382
Paloma Avenue, Garden Grove, California
92643, whose specialty is custom-carved
walking sticks. All you do is supply Yoak

with a history of your life and photos of
mementos and he'll do the rest. Prices
range from $69 to $100. Call him at
714-638-4485 for more information.

NOSHING ON CLOUD NINE

Chocoholics will be in heaven after they've
tasted Cloud Nine, a new line of chocolate
bars that are available in five never-before-

offered delicious flavors: double nut brittle,

alted т inch, whole sun-dried cher-
spresso bean crunch and pure vanilla
dark. The candy bars sell for about two
dollars cach. Call 201-216-0382 to learn
who sells them in your area.

PG.A. ALL THE WAY

The official player cards of the
1992 РС.А. Tour will be out
soon from Pro Set Inc. in Dallas,
and if you're a golfer who's as
confused as we are as to who

is in competition, this is ап easy
way Lo separate the men from
the boys. For $40 you get a
boxed set of 300 cards that have
a picture and statistics on all
PGA. Tour, Senior PGA. Tour
and 20 European P.
players—plus a nifty binder with
protector pages to hold them in.
Golf and collecuble-card stores
will sell the set, or you can
phone 214-407-2850 for the
nearest dealer. Play through!

THE SOUND OF EAGLES

t to know what it was like to be aboard an F-16 fighter or a
bomber during the height of the 40 days of battle in
Kuwait? Pick up Eagles Over Ihe Gulf, subtided "Desert Storm

‘The Pilots’ Stories,” an audio double-

Cassette Productions Unlimited in Irwindale, Californ
ws, coupled with combat cockpit

from interviews with а

зене documentary by
, drawn

recordings. Eagles is available at book and record shops for
$11.95. A percentage of the sales is donated to the U.S.O.

PAPER DOLLS

Serious pop-culture bufls know
that Dave Stev was the cre-
ator of the classic adventure
book series The Rocketeer, which
was made into a Disney fi

year. But Stev
for his pinup art; his latest col-
lection, Just Teasing, is an over-
sized softcover book featu
16 full-color prints of luse
ladies such as the one titled
Wanted pictured here. (Others
include a pirate, Betty Page,
space vixens and more.) Just
Teasing is available for $17.95
postpaid, from Ursus Imprints,
5539 Jackson Avenue, Kansas
City, Missouri 64130. Yes, the
15"x 11” prints are detachable.

"
8
o
о
Ч
E
5

NEXT MONTH

LOVERS’ TIPS.

TOP PLAYMATE

RALPH NADER, ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL AS A WRITE-IN
CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT, CALLS FOR A CITIZENS
CRUSADE TO TAKE THIS COUNTRY BACK FROM ITS RUL-
ING ELITE IN A SCATHING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

"AN ELEGY FOR SEPTEMBER"—A LIBIDINOUS COED
TURNS A NOVELIST'S VACATION INTO A MID-LIFE CRISIS—
FICTION BY JOHN NICHOLS, AUTHOR OF THE MILAGRO
BEANFIELD WAR.

HOW DID BOB COSTAS, ANCHOR FOR THE SUMMER
OLYMPICS AND HIGHBROW CHAT-SHOW MUNCHKIN, GET
TO BE KING OF THE HEAP? THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY. A
PLAYBOY PROFILE BY LEE GREEN

LYNN MUSCARELLA, THE HOSTESS OF VOYEURVISION,
CABLE TV'S RACY PHONE-SEX SHOW IN NEW YORK,
GOES NATIONAL IN A HOTWIRED PLAYBOY PICTORIAL

"THE HONG KONG MOB"—AS THE BRITS RETREAT
FROM THEIR CHINESE OUTPOST. THE MOST RUTHLESS
GANGSTERS ON THE PLANET ARE PACKING UP SHOP—
AND MOVING TO THE U.S.—BY Т. J. ENGLISH

SEXY SILK

“TEN THINGS NEVER TO TELL YOUR LOVER" ADD
YEARS TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS OUR IN-HOUSE
ROMANCE EXPERT REVEALS WHAT YOUR SWEETHEART
WANTS TO HEAR—AND WHAT SHE DOESNT WANT TO
HEAR—BY DENIS BOYLES

"PRESUMED GUILTY"—WHEN DIVORCE AND CUSTODY
BATTLES TURN UGLY. A GROWING NUMBER OF WOMEN
ARE RESORTING TO ONE OF THE DIRTIEST TRICKS IN THE
BOOK: CALLING THE FATHER A: CHILD MOLESTER—
BY HARRY STEIN

PATRICK SWAYZE, THE GUY WHO DIRTY-DANCED HIS
BUNS OFF TO BECOME HOLLYWOOD'S FIRST MALE BIM-
BO, SHOWS US HIS OTHER, MORE SENSITIVE SIDE AND
EXPLAINS HOW HE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD IN A
SNAPPY *20 QUESTIONS"

PLUS: AT LAST, WE REVEAL THE IDENTITY OF 1992'S
PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR AND SHOW YOU WHY SHE
WON; FASHION DIRECTOR HOLLIS WAYNE DEMON-
STRATES THE VERSATILITY OF THAT MOST PRIZED FIBER,
SILK; ON THE SCENE WITH AUDIO-TO-GO; AND MUCH,
MUCH MORE

The legend of Bull Durham began
during the Civil War in Durham,
North Carolina. In a tiny factory,
James Green was making smoking
tobacco from flue-cured Virginia _
Bright. A lull in hos
ities gave soldiers an
opportunity to sample |
Green’s tobacco,
The Genuine Article.
After the war, Green
flooded with letters
questing his * Durham"
tobacco. Business pros
and by 1866 Green had regis-
© tered the Bull trade-
mark, which was
actually inspired by
the label on a jar
of mustard from
Durham. England.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking

By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight

Soon, a barnful of imitators
sprang up. There w;
sey Bull." “Black
Bull? “Old Bull,” **Bull's Head,”
and many others.

Genuine “Bull” Durham was
registered on January 3, 1871.

A Token of Friendship.

Bull Durham, which had @
become a favorite in the
East, followed the settlers coe ^

the West. A Bull Durham 1f 9, BB
La

Durham,” “J

cigarette shared with a
stranger on a lonely trail
y, became a token of friendship.
a “Bull” was akin
It. It was even
asa land m
Buyer and seller would
light up a “Bull”
The end of their
smoke marked the length
of land in the transaction:

A Part of America.

By the early 1900s Bull Durham
had become as American as

baseball. Pitchers went through

their warm-ups under the Bull

“Sitting Bull

Durham billboards. Hence, the
rerm “Bull Pen.”

A Tradition of Good Value.

The taste that has made Bull
Durham a legend is still there. It is
now being reintroduced (and is
available) as a Filter cigarette in
both full flavor and lights.

When it comes to good value
the legend of Bull Durham lives on.

asure

Filters 14 mg. “tar”, 1.1 mg.
nicotine, Lights: 10 mg. “tar”
0.9 mg. nicotine av. per
cigarette by FTC method.

A PREMIUM WHISKY, UNRIVALED IN QUALITY AND SMOOTHNESS SINCE 1858.

«ә к Blended Canadian Whisky kmpertedin Bote by Hram Waker E Sens le Farmington Hi M € 1991.

Internet Archive Audio

Featured

Top

Images

Featured

Top

Software

Featured

Top

Texts

Featured

Top

Video

Featured

Top

Mobile Apps

Browser Extensions

Archive-It Subscription

Save Page Now

Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats