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PLAYBOY 


| ENTERTAINMENT FOR APRIL 1993 • $4.95 


SPRING Mis | 
CAMPUS 4 
BASH! 
GREAT COLLEGE 
GIRLS 
ASTONISHING 
CAMPUS FACTS 


PLUS 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEWS 
MUSIC LEGEND 
FRANK ZAPPA 


AT THE FRONT 
WITH THE GREEN 
COMMANDOS 


CONFESSIONS 
OF A PRIVACY THIEF 


YOU PICKED ’EM, 
THE 1993 MUSIC 
POLL WINNERS 


CINDY CRAWFORD 
ANSWERS 20 QUESTIONS 


I 


300955 


o o 


Joel Bizal 


Somewhere along the 
way he lost 


his baseball 
card collection. 


He misplaced his letter sweater. 


And he forgot to pack 
the trophies. 


But he always remembered 
his sneakers. 


Reebok Classic. Ne 
ка 


{ Reebok ES 


HE HAS OUTRAGED more people than probably any other rock 
musician, and his admirers are as diverse as The Simpsons cre- 
ator Matt Groening and Czech President Vaclav Havel: Frank 
Zappa, the subject of this month's Playboy Interview conducted 
by Contributing Editor David Sheff, has lost none of his feisti- 
ness despite his battle with cancer. Zappa is one of rock and 
roll's most experimental figures, and this month he becomes 
the 43rd inductee into the Playboy Music Hall of Fame. 

April also sees PLAYBOY returning to college campuses to 
sample the state of the student union. Not everything's rosy: 
Tuition’s up, the economy's down, the quad's not the paradise 
it once was. But there's plenty to rave about, and Wayne Duvall, 
with help from PLAYBOY’s Mark Healy and Bruce Kluger, com- 
piled some astounding facts and phenomena from The Class of 
93. You will find the astounding coeds in Student Bodies. Con- 
tributing Photographers David Chan and David Mecey under- 
went serious hardship to bring you the feature. Really. 

If there's an enduring figure on campus, it's the hip profes- 
sor who seduces willing coeds. Murtaugh, The Visiting Poet of 
Mark Winegardner’s fiction story, is just such a rogue. 

Far from the madding quiet of the college quad, bands of 
radicals chain themselves to bulldozers, ram tuna ships and 
torch fur farms—all in the name of Mother Nature. It's our 
last chance to save the planet, warn these eco-Cassandras. 
Whether or not you share their grim view or agree with their 
tactics, you'll find Dean Kuipers’ report Eco Warriors a com- 
pelling read. The sculpture is by Parviz Sadighian. 

ОҒ growing alarm these days is the assault on privacy. Al 
Schweitzer, information broker (he’s the guy the National En- 
quirer called to get instant stuff on Jeffrey Dahmer), snoops in- 
to the affairs of public figures and private citizens. What he 
finds, and how easily he finds it, will startle you. His story is 
told іп No Place to Hide, by ex-CIA snoop-turned-journalist 
Frank Snepp, and is illustrated by Andrzej Pagowski (art director 
of PLAYBOY's new Polish edition). 

"There's nothing private about Playboy Music 1993. We asked 
you, our readers, to tell us who knocked you out—and you 
did. Naturally, we added our own two cents. There’s more in- 
teraction in this issue—from the Mantrack Survey Line. In this 
feature, Playmates help you register your views on everything 
from dating feminists to TV anchors to fidelity. Also in 
Mantrack, Pete Hamill has some provocative thoughts about 
that most unprovocative girl, Madonna. 

‘Who says a supermodel can't be super smart? Cindy Crawford 
winged through school with A's, nabbed glamourpuss Richard 
Gere (or he nabbed her) and has her own cable show. She sat 
down with 20 Questions maven David Rensin and told him what 
she will and won't do in front of a camera and what is the 
only way to eat corn on the cob. Ears looking at you, Cindy. 

Meeting Cindy Crawford is one of April Playmate Nicole 
Wood's dreams—she says she wants to know “how the real 
Cindy is inside.” Outside, the rest of us can thank Fashion 
Director Hollis Wayne, whose Spring & Summer Fashion Forecast 
has tons of useful tips, plus a chat with Joseph Abboud on linen. 
Photography is by Gregory Hinsdale. 

If wearing less is more inviting, consider our pictorial Tattoo 
You. It's all about the skin as erotic canvas. Craig Vetter explains 
what the fuss is all about. The photos are by Stephen Wayda. If 
approaching a tattooed lady, or any lady of the Nineties, 
seems daunting, then read Glenn O'Brien's Flirting with Femi- 
nists. It’s the essential manual on how to pick up the enlight- 
ened woman. And don't miss our Automotive Report: sneak 
peeks at tomorrow's cars. Now you know everything. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), . 


‘April 1993, volume 40, number 4. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regi 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-class postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: 
Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. 


PLAYBILL 


DUVALL 


SADIGHIAN 


PAGOWSKI 
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O'BRIEN 


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PLAYBOY. 


vol. 40, no. 4—april 1993 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
РАВ РУТ AP INT А 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY... 2 * D eserine а. 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS.............. pou r ses dB 
IMANTRACK E Hebe MEAN E] 

SEX IN THE AGE OF ILLUSION guest opinion PETE HAMILL 32 
MEN EE cen sce tr ASABABER 34 
WOMEN . .. CYNTHIA HEIMEL — 37 

Student Bodies 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ......................... aoe EEE M39 
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK: 

STARS ARE PEOPLE, TOO—opinion ..... Оро .ROBERTSCHEER 43 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM ..................... be nel BURG CHO ee Mai 45 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: FRANK ZAPPA— candid conversation .... NEN 55 
ECO WARRIORS—article................ ..DEAN KUIPERS 74 
TATTOO YOU—pictoricl . text by CRAIG VETTER 78 
FLIRTING WITH FEMINISTS—orticle |... GLENN O'BRIEN — 86 
THE CLASS OF '93—article Me nec ЖУ Sah geet 90 
THE VISITING POET—fiction .......................... MARK WINEGARDNER 94 
PLAYBOY COLLECTION—modern living. . a 96 
KNOCK WOOD—ployboy’s playmate of the month . 102 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor басабы р LYS 
THE CAR SPY GAME—automotive report. .................. ..KEN GROSS 116 

THE CLINTON IMPACT ON CARS 269 A arte TIER MIR 120 
PLAYBOY'S SPRING & SUMMER FASHION FORECAST . HOLLIS WAYNE 123 

JOSEPH ABBOUD: ALL ABOUT LINEN ........................ О 292, 
NO PLACE TO HIDE—orticle ........ FRANKSNEPP 134 

KEEPING THE PRIVACY PIRATES АТ ВДҮ....................... 164 
PLAYBOY MUSIC 1993—survey ....................... ا‎ 136 
STUDENT BODIES—picloricl DUE en cierto dde E b Deer SO 144 
20 QUESTIONS: CINDY CRAWFORD ... БЕРМЕ OE A ABA 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE _. 177 


COVER STORY 

November 1991 Playmate Tonja Christensen graces our cover, which was 
produced by Senior Photo Editor Michael Ann Sullivon, styled by Lee Ann 
Perry and shot by Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley. Tonjo's hair 
was styled by Vidal Rodriquez for david and lee. Thonks to Kim Montenegro 
for Tonjo's suit, J.J. Hot Center, Inc. for her hot and Pot Tomlinson for her 
makeup. Is Tonjo wearing her hear! on her sleeve or is that our Robbit? 


PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director. 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE 
senior edilor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER editor; 
FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN Senior staff writer; 
MATTHEW CHILDS associate editor; MODERN LIV- 
ING: DAVID STEVENS senior edilor; ED WALKER asso- 
ciate editor; BETH TOMKIW assistant editor; WEST 
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF. BRUCE 
KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS associate edilors; CHRIS- 
TOPHER NAPOLITANO assistant edilor; JOHN LUSK 
traffic coordinator; DOROTHY ATCHESON publish- 
ing liaison; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE director; 
VIVIAN COLON assistant editor; CARTOONS: Mt 
CHELLE URRY editor; COPY: LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 
edilor; ARLAN BUSHMAN assistant edilor; MARY ZION 
lead researcher; CAROLYN BROWNE senior re- 
Searcher; LEE BRAUER, JACKIE CAREY, REMA SMITH 
researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: asa 
BABER, DENIS BOYLES, KEVIN СООК. GRETCHEN 
EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS (aulomo- 
Live), CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WILLIAM ]. HELMER, WARREN 
KALBACKER, WALTER LOWE, JR., D. KEITH MANO, JOE 
MORGENSTERN, REG POTTERTON. DAVID RENSIN, 
DAVID SHEFF. DAVID STANDISH, MORGAN STRONG 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS Senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENER associate director; KELLY KORJENEK assis- 
tant director; ANN SEIDL supervisor, keyline/ 
фаме-ир; PAUL CHAN, JOHN HOCH. RICKIE THOMAS 
ап assistants 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west const editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing edilor; LINDA KENNEY, ИМ LARSON, 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY BEAU- 
DET assistant editor/entertainment; STEVE CONWAY 
associate Photographer; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEG- 
LEX. ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, 
BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA 
contributing photographers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; 
TIM HAWKINS librarian; ROBERT CAIRNS manager, 
studiolab; Lorrie FLORES business manager, 
studio west 


MICHAEL PERLIS publisher 
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI, CARRIE LARUE 
HOCKNEY, TOM SIMONEK associate managers 


‘CIRCULATION 
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation director; 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
PAUL TURCOTTE national sales director; SALES 
DIRECTORS: DON SCHULZ detroit, WENDY LEVY, 
STEVE MEISNER midwest, JAY BECKLEY пеш york, 
WILLIAM M. HILTON, JR. northwest, STEVE THOMP- 
SON southwest 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI Correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
ERIC SHROPSHIRE computer graphics systems direc- 
for; EILEEN KENT edilorial services manager; MAR- 
CIA TERRONES Tights & permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief execulive officer 


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7 he Search for the 


Continues... 


о you know someone who should be Playboy's 40th 
Anniversary Ploymote? She must be bright ond beoutiful 
and at least 18 years of age. If selected, she'll earn a 
modeling fee of $40,000, oppeor as the Ploymote in our 
Jonuory 1994 Anniversary Issue and represent Playboy 
throughout our 40th-yeor celebration. And you con earn 
$2500 for being the lucky reoder who brings her to 
Ployboy’s ottention. 


Togive more women the opportunity to be this speciol 
Playmate, representatives from Playboy mogazine will 

" 1 be interviewing candidates oll across the nation. The cities 
and dotes for these interviews are listed in the box below. 


For the exoct location of the interviews in your town, check 
your local newspoper or call 800-551-4293 ond punch the 
number for your city. To quolify for an interview, a candi- 
date must be at leost 18 yeors of оде ond have the appro- 
priate identificotion to prove it. 


Submissions for the 40th Anniversary Playmate can olso 
be sent directly to Playboy. Simply submit two recent color 
snopshots (one foce and one full-figure) and a short letter 
detoiling vital statistics: name, address, phone number, 
height, weight, measurements, occupation, date of birth 
and any interesting information obout the candidate. 

| Send the letter ond photos (not returnable) fo: 40th 
Anniversory Ploymote Search, Playboy Magazine, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


Ў "ш 


To make your entry a snap, there's still plenty of time to order 
the Official Playmate Camera. Get a Fuji QuickSnap Flash 
Camera, а 40th Anniversary Playmate Entry Form and Photo 
Tips from the pros at Playboy all for $14.95 postpaid (2 cam- 
eras for $26.00). To order, call 800-423-9494 and ask for item 
PA4072 (1 comera) or item PA4077 (2 cameras). ©з». 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE 
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
OR FAX 312-440-5454 


STEVE MARTIN 
Thank you for the January Playboy 
Interview with comedian-actor-singer- 
dancer-magician Steve Martin, one of 
today's truly creative talents. It seems. 
paradoxical that a man who made him- 
self famous by faking an arrow through 
his head comes off in the interview as 
dignified, serious and humble without 
being pretentious or falsely self-effacing. 
‘There is, of course, a long history of 
comics’ being very serious offstage, with 
personalities ranging from tortured to 
just plain jerks. But having already been 
pompous, self-centered, oversensitive, 
falsely modest and obnoxious in his com- 
edy routines, Martin has freed himself to 
be the opposite of all those qualities. 
‘Tom Нома! 
Phoenix, Arizona 


Steve Martin can tap-dance, juggle, 
recite, act and м a movie concurrent- 
ly, which puts him head and shoulders 
above the rest of what passes for talent in 
Hollywood. 

Keep your feet and mind tapping, 
Steve. What you have and where you are 
have been well earned. 

Dorman Nelson 
Granada Hills, California 


NUKE THE PENTAGON 
Га like to see Colonel David Hack- 
worth as our next Secretary of Defense. 
I've read his book About Face and some of 
his reports in Newsweek, but his article 
Nuke the Pentagon (т\лүвоү, January) 
convinced me that he is the best candi- 
date for Defense Secretary. 
William Н. К. Chu 
Lake Orion, Michigan 


I agree wholeheartedly with Colonel 
David Hackworth. The corrupt Penta- 
gon should be blown away. Or, more 
practically, we should run those paper 
renegades out of town into the Virginia 
hills and renovate the building to house 
the area’s homeless. 


During my military career on staffand 
ments, the rule of thumb 
practical, don't do it. Regula- 
„ by and large, are written to create 
jobs and confusion. 
Asan ex-Army aviator (both fixed and 
rotary wing), I wouldn't fly that Osprey 
contraption for a million dollars, In cer- 
tain flight modes it has a “dead man's 
rve,” and, so far, it has been a $2 bil- 
n disaster. The need for the B-1 and 
B-2 bombers is a joke. Viva Hackworth 
for having the guts to tell it like itis. 
Tony Lenic 
Lieutenant Colonel (Ret. 
Stockbridge, Georgia 


As a PLAYBOY subscriber from issue one 
and a Vietnam vet (1964-1966, 173га 
Airborne Brigade), I believe that David 
Hackworth's Nuke the Pentagon is the 
most important writing to appear in 
your magazine since The Playboy Philoso- 
phy. In his book About Face, Hack is very 
critical of my old outfit—and right on 
target. Perhaps the greatest tragedy of 
Vietnam wi nt stupidity of 
our leadershi y composed 
of officers like Hack would have won 
that war; a government led by men like 
him would never have entered it. 

The time has come to make the 
changes to ensure that there will be no 
more senseless sacrifice of American 
lives in poorly led military adventures. 

My brothers on the Wall deserve noth- 
ing less. 


Larry Heer 
Carnelian Bay, California 
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A PROBLEM? 
Although my wife and 1 have always 
encouraged our children (both girls) to 
view all people as individuals rather than 
as stereotypes, | have to admit that it has 
bothered me lately that our oldest (age 
15) has seemed inordinately attracted to 
ic and rappers. Гуе 
ded about it, but I tl 


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PLAYBOY 


10 


my irritation has shone through. 

"Thanks to Trey Ellis’ guest opinion in 
vLAYBOY in the January Mantrack (“How 
Does It Feel to Be a Problem?”), I now 
have a better idea why my daughter is 
drawn to a kind of musical culture that, 
so far as her actual experience goes, is 
totally alien. As Ellis writes, from a black 
man’s perspective, “Finally, and curious- 
ly, some of the stereotypes that make us 
seem the least human—and the most an- 
imalistic—also make us seem the most 
male. We are famous around the world 
for our physical and sexual potency. Al- 
though we hate being America’s villains, 
it’s not all bad. In America, villains have 
always been perversely revered.” 

The implications of that statement stay 
with me as I listen to my daughter's 
stereo blaring Ice Cube. I guess if my 
wife and I actually hung out with people 
like Ice Cube, Ice-T and other seemingly 
dangerous, frozen African-American 
concoctions, they wouldn't seem so dan- 
gerous and thus appealing to girls like 
my daughter. 

Fred Carlisle 
Park Ridge, Illinois 


WOMAN ON THE VERGE 

‘Thanks to Pete Hamill for his thor- 
ough, thought-provoking exposé of 
Catharine MacKinnon and her equally 
wacko friend, Andrea Dworkin (Woman 
on the Verge of a Legal Breakdown, PLAYBOY, 
January). 

These sick individuals should be put 
in their place: an insane asylum. As 
Hamill so eloquently pointed out, we 
don't need another authoritarian gov- 
ernment telling us what we can and can- 
not do. It frightens me to know that peo- 
ple like MacKinnon and Dworkin exist 
in modern civilization. 

Warren H. Radtke 
Bensenville, Illinois 


Pete Hamill’s profile of Catharine 
MacKinnon provides strong argumenis 
against the New Victorians, who include 
feminists and the religious right. They 
espouse legal suppression of all pornog- 
raphy, as defined extensively in a pam- 
phlet written by MacKinnon and Andrea 
Dworkin. 

But while Hamill writes that their 
agenda has several major flaws, from 
this male's perspective, so do Hamill's 
arguments when he seems to overlook 
that women have lacked the power in 
America to determine their rights and 
opportunities in social, economic and 
political spheres. More problems arise 
when Hamill uses phrases such as “com- 
mon sense tells us.” The term common 
sense is no solid ground for an argument 
because all people (especially in Ameri- 
ca) do not share an understanding of it. 
Hamill goes further to refer to a univer- 
sal instinct to dominate, an arguable as- 
sumption at best. 

Although I agree with many of Ham- 


ill's oppositions to First Amendment in- 
fringement, I think he should have used 
fewer assumptions and speculations to 
support his views. 
Gabriel Mendes 
Brooklyn, New York 


АМ ECHO OF BEAUTY 

It's amazing that in the same issue 
of PLAYBOY (January) you have Pete 
Hamill's article about Catharine Mac- 
Kinnon as well as January Playmate 


Echo Leta Johnson (Shout Echo!), with 
her relaxed sexuality. 1 hope that one 
day beautiful women like Echo will find 
the voices to tell MacKinnon and Dwor- 
kin that they are preposterous. 

Rich Weinstein 

Altamonte Springs, Florida 


BARBI TWINS ENCORE 
Your second pictorial of the sensation- 
al Barbi twins (Twice More, with Feeling, 
PLAYBOY, January) is the most sensual 
and erotic feature I've ever seen in your 
magazine. In addition to being incredi- 
bly beautiful, Shane and Sia possess flaw- 
less bodies. It's hard to believe that there 
are two such identically heavenly crea- 
tures on the face of this earth. 
Roger A. Wright 
Annandale, Virginia 


I just finished the January issue and 
am blown away by the beauty of the Bar- 
bi twins. Shane and Sia are gorgeous! 
Theirs is one of the best pictorials I've 
seen in a long time. 

Dan Ingald 
Colorado Springs, Colorado 


When Hugh Hefner started PLAYBOY, 
his idea was to feature women who are 
wholesome, natural and pretty in the 
mode of "the girl next door" Well, 
you've missed that boat badly with the 


Barbi twins, whose claim to fame is over- 
sized, unattractive breasts. They are 
nothing like "the girl next door." 
Howard Stiles 
San Gabriel, California 


BABER'S PRUDES AT SEA 

Contributing Editor Asa Baber is way 
off base with his diatribe “Prudes at Sea” 
(Men, PLAYBOY, January) concerning that 
off-color remark by Howie Mandel in his 
concert at the Naval Academy. 

In inviting female midshipmen оп- 
stage to perform a blow job, Mandel was 
showing contempt for any good man- 
ners midshipmen might have. His rc- 
mark was in bad taste, vulgar, unforgiv- 
able and certainly not funny. 

If Baber thinks the remark is funny, 
he's a throwback to his preschool days. 

Kenneth J. Kehoe 
Chicago, Illinois 


So Asa Baber didn't find anything of- 
fensive in Howie Mandel’s invitation to 
the female midshipmen at Annapolis to 
join him onstage and perform oral sex? 
What if Mandel had made the same sug- 
gestion to the male members of the audi- 
ence? Would that have qualified as “male 
humor”? 

Thinking like this is what made the 
good old boys at the Tailhook Associa- 
tion think it was great fun to grab and 
grope their female counterparts. Yet 
these same guys recoil in horror at the 
thought of gays being allowed in the 
military, perhaps because some “sex- 
crazed” homosexuals might think it was 
OK to grab and grope the men. After all, 
heterosexuals have already set the 
precedent. 

Fantasizing about blow jobs isn't the is- 
sue. The issue is singling out one sex as 
the butt of offensive humor. Baber's 
definition of male humor seems to mean 
it is OK to demean females so the boys 
can have a laugh. That's not just juve- 
nile, it's sick. 

As a former Navy man, I am well 
aware of the kind of juvenile sexist atti- 
tudes prevalent among military men. I 
am surprised to find them so blatantly 
displayed in what is supposed to be an 
urbane men's magazine that professes to 
hold women in high regard. 

Homer T. Meaders 
Palo Alto, California 


BONEHEAD QUOTES 
In Bonehead Quotes of the Year (PLAYBOY, 

January), author Larry Engelmann omits 
the biggest bonehead remark of all, Bill 
"Slick Willie" Clinton's “I didn't inhale.” 
Your magazine rips the hell out of con- 
servatives but lets leftist and radical 
Democrats off scot-free. 

Harry Britt 

San Francisco, California 


El 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


CROSS-YOUR-HEART HOLSTERS 


When she put it in her pants and got 
into her car, it jammed her in the ribs. It 
made her formfitting jacket bulge when 
she put it under her arm. She sought 
professional help, but none was forth- 
coming. Whats a gal to do? Linda 
Mutchnick, a paralegal in Pennsylvania, 
took matters into her own hands and 
founded a line of clothes called Pistol- 
ERA “for the armed woman.” Her aim, 
alliteratively described in her catalog, is 
to provide “firearm-capable women's ap- 
parel that is functional, formfitting and 
fashionable.” The line features clothes 
that accommodate, for example, that 
pesky accessory, the shoulder holster. 

Mutchnick is part of a growing trend 
of gun and equipment manufacturers 
that have taken notice of the more than 
15 million women who own firearms. 
Handguns are now being made with 
smaller grips for feminine hands; hol- 
ster-equipped fanny packs for joggers 
are also fast-selling items. Other innova- 
tions include bra holsters, pelvis hol- 
sters—even spandex holsters that fit in 
the waist of skirts and slacks. 

Mutchnick—who'd rather use а gun 
with a trigger guard large enough to ac- 
commodate her long red fingernails 
than cut them—sees her business as a 
natural extension of women's liberation. 
"Women aren't taken seriously as gun 
owners. We're stereoryped as argumen- 
tative, aggressive and perhaps unfemi- 
nine.” When a photographer sent to 
take her picture suggested she soften 
her expression, she replied, “A woman 
with a gun in her hand shouldn't be 
smiling.” And we, perhaps, shouldn't be 
so quick to point out peculiar bulges in 
her clothing. 


DON'T KID YOURSELF 


A hot book on the self-help shelf these 
days is Your Body Believes Every Word 
You Say (Aslan Publishing), by Barbara 
Levine. Levine contends that phrases 
such as "give me a break" ultimately con- 
tribute to broken bones, and that posi- 
tive clichés—"it does my heart good"— 


should be used instead. In that spirit, 
we've come up with a list of clichés to 
avoid and their appropriate alternatives: 

You're busting my balls: “You're caressing 
my testicles.” 

Im such а dumb shit: "Tm a regular 
guy.” 

Got my head up my ass: “Searching in- 
side for new ideas.” 


You're messing with my head: “Please sit 


on my face.” 


AN EMIR RATES 


The Kuwaiti Olympic Association 
wanted to find a way to honor Sheikh Fa- 
had al-Ahmed al-Sabah—the only mem- 
ber of the Kuwaiti royal family to lose his 
life during the Gulf war. So, as a memo- 
rial, the association painted the sheikh's 
Lincoln Town Car gold, mounted it оп а 
marble stand, installed a sculpted fist 
smashing through its roof and bathed 
the whole thing in floodlights. 


TYRANNOSAURUS R.I.P 


Guess they'll have to wait for Jurassic 


Park to open. The Memphis Zoo opened 


ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO 


“Dinosaurs Live,” featuring 
computerized replicas of our large pre- 
historic friends. At last report, six people 
had asked for refunds of the $2.50 ad- 
mission price when they learned that 
the exhibit did not have actual living 
dinosaurs. 


99 BOTTLES OF BEER 


And now, 99 Ways to Open a Beer Bottle 
Without a Bottle Opener. In a book not des- 
tined to be included in the Modern Li- 
brary series, author Brett Stern uses 
photographs to demonstrate basic thirst- 
relieving maneuvers of opening beer 
bottles on lawn mowers, fire hydrants, 
public phones—even the trunk of a po- 
lice car. Conspicuously absent is the 
method for doing so while handcuffed. 


MAKING MONEY THE 
OLD-FASHIONED WAY 


When J. S. G. Boggs comes up short of 
cash, he simply draws more. Using col- 
ored inks, he renders freehand repro- 
ductions of American currency, then 
barters them—as art, not funny mon- 
ey—for goods and services. However, 
the U.S. Secret Service wants to nail him 
for counterfeiting. It's wasting its time: 
Boggs always embellishes his bills with 
such obvious play-money touches as 
“The Unit of State of Bohemia” and his 
own signature. And finally, unlike U 
currency, Boggs’ money tends to in- 
crease in yalue over time. 


Grunge chic: Rusk, a company based 
in Los Angeles, introduced a product 
that gives clean hair the look and feel 
of hair “that hasn't been washed in 
three days.” 


THE MODEL SOLDIER 


Many of us like to play dress-up, but 
only renegade commando Oliver North 
can build a mail-order business around 
it. North can be seen sporting his new 
line of bulletproof vests on the back 
cover of the 1993 U.S. Cavalry, a catalog 
featuring the “world’s finest military 


14 


RAW 


DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


FACT OF THE 
MONTH 

According to the 
Better Sleep Coun- 
cil, each time a 
member of a couple 
moves in his sleep, 
his sleeping partner 
will also move within 
20 seconds. Couples 
move up to 60 times 
a night. 


QUOTE 

“Most successful 
female candidates 
have been involved 
in politics even while 
they were still menstruating." —srern- 
ANIE RIGER, PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY, 
‘THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT CHICAGO 


BAILED OUT BY THE BANK 
Number of sperm banks in the U.S. 
whose directors belong to the Ameri- 
can Association of Tissue Banks, ac- 
cording to the chairman of its Repro- 
ductive Council: 46, 


Average number of menstrual cy- 
cles it takes for a woman to become 
impregnated artificially: 5; number of 
inseminations per cycle: 2. 


Approximate number of births in 
the U.S. each year that can be attrib- 
uted to artificial inseminations (most- 
ly from frozen semen): 75,000 to 
100,000. 


LEARNING TO CHEAT 


Ina nationwide survey of 6873 stu- 
dents by the Josephson Institute for 
Ethics, percentage of high schoolers 
who admitted to shoplifting within 
12 months of being surveyed: 33. 
Percentage of collegians who shoplift- 
ed: 16. 

P 


Ratio of all students who would lie 
to get a job: 1 in 3. 


Percentage of col- 
lege students who 
said their second 
most important goal 
in life (after getting a 
job they enjoy) is 
teaching firm ethical 
values to their chil- 
dren: 71. 


Percentage of high 
school students who 
admitted to lying on 
the survey: 40; per- 
; centage of college 
students who lied: 30. 


SLINGS AND BANDS OF 
OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE 
Maximum fine at the Pacific Stock 
Exchange for traders who shoot rub- 
ber bands or spitballs: $5000; fine for 
first-time offenders: $1000. 


Fine for throwing a punch on the 
trading floor at the Philadelphia ex- 


change: $1000. 
• 


Fine for first-time practical jokers at 
the New York Stock Exchange: $250. 


SEEDED GRAPES 

According to The Wine Spectator, the 
price of 1992's best wine, Chateau 
Longueville au Baron de Pichon- 
Longueville Pauillac 1989: $45. Price 
of the only U.S. wine in the top ten, 
Washington State’s 1989 Leonetti 
Cabernet Sauvignon: $25. Best deal 
in the top ten, Australia’s 1990 Rose- 
mount Shiraz: $8.50. 


KING OF ALL CAREER MOVES 
Value of Elvis Presley's estate at the 
time of his death in 1974: $8 million. 
Estimated amount his estate has 
earned since his death: $200 million. 


FAXED OUT 
Estimated number of bicycle mes- 


sengers in New York City in 1987: 
5000; in 1992: 1500. —merr SCHAAL 


and adventure equipment.” In the ad's 
accompanying blurb, North—appearing 
as sincere and heartfelt as when he faced 
Congress—says, “I needed to save my 
life. That's why I founded Guardian 
"Technologies International—the life- 
saving company." 


FINANCIALLY GIFTED, 
CLEANING IMPAIRED 


Donna Goldberg of New York City has 
opened Organized Student, a consulting 
service that—for $85 to $125 per hour— 
advises kids on how to clean up their 
rooms. The New York Times quoted a 
ninth-grade patron who confessed, “1 
try to keep going by myself, but I can't 
do it.” Try paying Goldberg's bill on 
your own, kid, and we have a feeling 
your room will clean itsclf. 


C.R.U.D. 


Maintenance workers in Alexandria, 
Indiana solved a street flooding prob- 
lem when they yanked out a 200-pound 
hair ball from a manhole. One of the 
men said, “We thought we had a goat.” 


C.R.U.D.: THE SEQUEL 


Biologi: China found a 77-pound 
slime ball floating on a river in Shansi 
province. The pure-white fungus gained 
22 pounds in the first three days it was 
observed, and scientists were surprised 
to learn that it has the ability to move 
across the ground on its own. 


MUPPET LOVE 


In December 1992, Colorado State 
University student Heath Johnson was 
pressured to remove his painting from 
display at the Lory Student Center. Ti- 
tled Sesame's Treat, Heath's canvas shows 
Muppet characters Bert and Ernie in an 
intimate position while Big Bird peeps in 
through the window. Children’s Televi- 
sion Workshop, crying copyright in- 
fringement, threatened the college with 
legal action unless the painting was de- 
stroyed. To its credit, CSU left the deci- 
sion to display the painting up to John- 
son, who removed it voluntarily. He 
plans to replace it with an enlarged copy 
of the letter censuring the painting. 


e 


Italy's Health Minister, Francesco de 
Lorenzo, recently informed his country 
that the smallest condom sold in Italy 
was larger than thosc available in the rest 
of Europe. “At least Italy is maxi in some- 
thing" proclaimed the newspaper Il 
Giornale. The mouthpiece of the former 
Communist Party, LUnitd, even advised 
foreign tourists to bring condoms from 
home. The enthusiasm was short-lived, 
however, when the claim was proved 
false and De Lorenzo retracted his 
statement. 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


THE BIOGRAPHY of an author who grew up 
angry in the Pacific Northwest is filmed. 
as a jarring family feud in This Boy’s Life 
(Warner). Based on the book by Tobias 
Wolff, with a humane and sympathetic 
screenplay, the movie is heightened by 
several compelling performances. Op- 
posite teenage newcomer Leonardo Di- 
Caprio, who plays young Toby in the 
Fifties as a sullen but feisty rebel, Robert 
De Niro goes for broke as the boy’s abu- 
sive stepfather, a lout named Dwight. 
When he's not being aggressively buoy- 
ant, Dwight beats down Toby both phys- 
ically and emotionally—all justified by 
the bully's usual boast that he will make 
aman of the kid or kill him. Ellen Barkin 
plays the mother, a well-meaning woman 
so bruised by the men she has known 
that she can’t bring herself to referee the 
conflict between her son and a demand- 
ing new husband. Directed by Britain's 
Michael Caton-Jones, This Boy's Life de- 
picts a mean streak all too familiar in 
parent-child relationships. But the film 
manages to keep depression at bay with 
regard for the indomitable spirit of 
youth that survives and even thrives in 
adversity. ¥¥¥/2 


Blood, guts, slime and gaping wounds 
are all over the place in Dead/Alive (Tri- 
mark), a comedy of unspeakable horror 
pieced together by New Zealand direc- 
tor Peter Jackson. The movie's two mon- 
sters ex machina are a loathsome Suma- 
tran rat-monkey and the possessive 
mom of a shy young nerd named Lionel 
(Tim Balmc). About the same time Li- 
onel gets bitten by the love bug, Mom 
(Elizabeth Moody) gets bitten by the 
monkey and is soon transformed into a 
clawing, pop-eyed fiend from hell. Di- 
rector Jackson wallows in gore and goes 
back for more. New Zealanders find all 
this a scream; maybe you will, too, if 
you are hopelessly addicted to wretched 
excess. Take along a barf bag. ¥ 


Something must be said for the visual 
sweep of a romantic drama highlighted 
by a nude couple making out on top of 
an inflated balloon in mid-air. The time 
is World War Two, but Map of the Human 
Heart (Miramax) covers decades of 
chance encounters and roads not taken 
by a Canadian Arctic native named Avik 
(played as an adult by Jason Scott Lee) 
and his beloved Albertine (Anne Paril- 
laud, the charismatic French star of La 
Femme Nikita). She, too, is a native who 
can pass for white, and she has no inten- 


16 tion of settling down with Avik as a half- 


1 | 


Barkin, DiCaprio, De Niro get a Life. 


News from home, 
dispatches from 
other troubled parts. 


breed. They meet first as waifs in the 
children’s wing of a Montreal hospital, 
but she grows up to be a singer, then a 
wartime volunteer, and marries an Air 
Force officer (Patrick Bergin). Avik 
winds up in England as a bombardier. 
The balloon business aside, co-author 
and director Vincent Ward, another 
New Zealander, who previously won 
plaudits for a cultish fantasy called The 
Navigator, has a flair for the unexpected. 
In his hands, even the most traditional 
story of star-crossed love becomes a dis- 
tinctively stylish snow job. YY/ 


The fictionalized Extreme Justice (Iri- 
mark) purports to tell the whole dirty 
truth about a secret Los Angeles Police 
Department death squad, known to in- 
siders as SIS (for Special Investigation 
Section). It tracks down and kills thieves, 
drug dealers and rapists without the for- 
mality of an arrest or jury trial. As de- 
picted here, this is a nasty business, with 
Scott Glenn (as the hardened SIS veter- 
an who'd rather shoot a suspect than 
handcuff him) pitted against Lou Dia- 
mond Phillips (as the seemingly tough 
recruit who quails at such vigilante tac- 
tics). Yaphet Kotto stands out as another 
colleague on the squad, with Chelsea 
Field adding sex appeal in an unlikely 
role as a winsome police reporter who 
lives with Lou. That's a plot point hard 
to swallow, and Extreme Justice often plays 


like a TV crime show, yet the gist of it is 
realistically raw and disturbing. ¥¥ 


Canadian writer-director Jean-Claude 
Lauzon transforms “such stuff as dreams 
are made on” into an earthy, outrageous 
collage of the sexual fantasies exciting 
the senses of a pubescent 12-year-old 
named téofo (Fine Line) The boy 
(played by Maxime Collin) is coming of 
age with a vengeance—masturbating in- 
to fresh meat meant for the family table, 
plotting to kill his grandfather (whose 
vixenish neighbor sucks the naked old 
man's bare toes) and watching in mute 
fascination while one of his chums has 
sex with a declawed cat. Léolo firmly be- 
lieves that he was born to be Italian be- 
cause his mother (Ginette Reno) fell into 
a fruit vendor's bin and was impregnat- 
ed by a sperm-spattered Sicilian tomato. 
In an environment as eccentric as his 
heredity, he somehow flourishes amid a 


- lunatic Quebecois family. Does the movie 


make sense? Yes, in a way—as a vivid, 
freewheeling essay on adolescence that 
intrigued audiences at last year's Cannes 
Festival. Here, it should attract viewers 
seeking the wild and off beat. ¥¥ 


Winner of the Grand Jury Prize at 
Cannes in 1992 and a box-office bonan- 
za showered with awards in its native 
Italy, director Gianni Amelio's Stolen Chil- 
dren (Goldwyn) earns its applause. Re- 
markably well-played by the young ac- 
tors portraying 11-year-old Rosetta 
(Valentina Scalici) and her little brother 
(Giuseppe leracitano)—with a virtuoso 
performance by Enrico Lo Verso as An- 
tonio, the soldier escorting them cross- 
country to a children's home—the movie 
is an emotional trip about love, trust and 
the loss of innocence. The kids have be- 
come public wards after their mother's 
arrest for selling the girl into prostitu- 
tion. They are remote, detached, suspi- 
cious—and the sympathetic officer can't 
bring himself to deliver them over to in- 
different officialdom. Instead, he takes 
them to visit his family, pauses to swim 
and picnic at a beach and picks up a pair 
of pretty French hitchhikers before 
Stolen Children's odyssey is stopped short 
by red tape. Try not to melt in the grip of 
a perceptively understated story, rich in 
compassion and warmth. ¥¥¥/2 


‘The lowlife in and around a high-rise 
construction site is the sole concern of 
Riff-Raff (Fine Line). Set in London and 
directed by Ken Loach, the movie, 
which features some actual construction 
workers in the cast, is so British that it 


= ж 


Howards’ Emma, Unforgiven Clint. 


BRUCE’S 
TEN BEST LIST 


While they count Oscar votes, here 
are our own winners and losers— 
in alphabetical order. 

Brother’s Keeper: Human values re- 
newed їп а rare documentary. 

The Crying Game: An Irish terrorist 
takes time out for love, intrigue 
and a bagful of dandy surprises. 
Damage: A devastating saga of pas- 
sion and betrayal. 


А Few Good Men: Courtroom drama 
with Cruise and Nicholson. 
Howards End: A glorious, literate 
filming of the E. M. Forster novel; 
Emma Thompson is tops. 
Husbands and Wives: Deft comedy 
has Woody Allen in top form. 
Intervista: More magic from Fellini. 
The Player: Hollywood skewed by 
Robert Altman. 

A River Runs Through #t: Fly-fishing in 
Montana from Robert Redford. 
Unforgiven: Eastwood revives the 
Western with style and substance. 


TEN WORST LIST 


Death Becomes Her: Meryl Streep 
and Goldie Hawn make plastic 
surgery as funny as scar tissue. 
1492: Conquest of Paradise: Depar- 
dieu sinks as Columbus. 

Frozen Assets: Infertile comedy has 
Shelley Long in a sperm bank. 
Hoffa: Despite Jack Nicholson, a 
dull ode to disorganized labor. 
Housesitter: Again, Goldie pushes 
too hard to charm Steve Martin. 
Man Trouble: Nicholson and Barkin 
can't curb this dog. 

Mr. Baseball; Selleck strikes out. 
Scent of a Woman: Overwrought and 
recklessly overacted by Al Pacino. 
Shadows and Fog: Woody Allen can't 
win 'em all. 

Toys: Wound too tight, even with 
Robin Williams. 


carries subtides to wanslate the thick 
regional accents. In any language, it's 
fairly rude and raunchy, with a story line 
about a skinny Glasgow guy named Ste- 
vie (Robert Carlyle) and his brief en- 
counters with Susan (Emer McCourt), a 
helpless waif addicted to drugs and pipe 
dreams about a future in showbiz. From. 
the dirty-fingernails school of cinema, 
Loach's gritty slice of life paints a vibrant 
picture of urban angst. ¥¥'/2 


The young black heroine of Just Anoth- 
er Girl on the IRT (Miramax) is fly, flip and 
recking attitude. Writer-producer-direc- 
tor Leslie Harris, an African-American 
woman, has an undeniable soft spot for 
the trendy teenager played to the hilt by 
Ariyan Johnson. In fact, Johnson's sassy 
presence as the titular Chantel almost 
makes up for the film's touches of ear- 
nest amateurism. Still, her charm can't 
salvage a grisly scene in which Chantel 
gives birth to a premature baby and 
wants to get rid of it—after spending the 
abortion money provided by her beau, 
‘Tyrone (Kevin Thigpen). Failing as an 
argument for planned parenthood, just 
Another Girl nevertheless wins points for 
promising efforts by director Harris and 
newcomer Johnson. ¥¥ 


A nine-year-old lad mysteriously уап- 
ishes in a small French town, and six 
years later a teenage delinquent from 
Paris suddenly appears, professing to be 
the lost boy. That's the plot, anyway, of 
writer-director Agnieska Holland’s pro- 
vocative Olivier Olivier (Sony Classics). In- 
spired by a true story, with Grégoire Col- 
in as the older, streetwise Olivier, the 
Movie is open to interpretation. Is it a 
mystery, a con artist's trip, a psychologi- 
cal study of a mother (Brigitte Rouan) or 
merely a comment on French family life? 
Holland’s almost casual approach to 
such topics as voyeurism, incest, child 
abuse and murder make Olivier Olivier a 
cool cinematic riddle. ¥¥¥ 


An inside look at being a New York 
agent in big-time show business is the 
essence of Joey Breaker (Skouras), with 
Richard Edson making the title role a 
believable blend of hustler, homophobe 
and shark. Under it all, he has a heart 
of gold and begins to find out about 
himself through dealing with an AIDS 
victim, a gay black comedian and a 
Jamaican waitress (nicely played by 
Cedella Marley, daughter of Bob Mar- 
ley). Breaker's evolution from macho 
agent to swell guy seems a bit pat, but 
fledgling writer-director Steven Starr, 
himself a former ten-percenter at the 
William Morris Agency, knows what 
makes Joey run—which sharpens his 
view from a room at the top. ¥¥'/2 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Body of Evidence (Reviewed 3/93) And 
the liveliest body is Madonna's. ¥¥¥ 
Chaplin (3/93) Robert Downey, Jr., as 
the Tramp upstages the rest. yy 
The Crying Game (1/93) A blend of ter- 
rorism and sex. Upgraded. — УУУУ 
Damage (1/93) Father, son anda wom- 
an share a dangerous liaison, with 
Irons at his tortured best. WY 
Dead/Alive (See review) Sheer horror, 
with gore and grisliness to spare. Y 
Ethan Frome (12/92) Liam Neeson is 


aces as the downhill seducer. yyy 
Extreme Justice (See review) More on 
authorized violence in L.A. yy 


Falling Down (3/93) That's Michael 
Douglas going quietly berserk. ¥¥¥/2 
А Few Good Men (2/93) Marine Corps 
murder trial played in style. УУЗУ 
Intervista (12/92) Fellini recalls the 
dear old days of La Dolce Vita. УУЗУ 
Joey Breaker (See review) A showbiz 
agent and how he grew. Wh 
dust Another Girl on the IRT (See review) 
"Teenaged angst not to be ignored. УУ 
The Last Days of Chez Nous (3/93) Aus- 


tralian women under stress. yyy 
1éolo (See review) Weird study of a 
boy begot by a tomato. yy 


Like Water for Chocolate (3/93) Food and 
sex in sync down Mexico way. ¥¥¥ 
lorenzo’s Oil (3/93) Sarandon excels 
with Nolte in poignant drama about 
loyal parents and ailing son. wy 
Love Field (3/93) Pfeiffer in top form as 
a Kennedy fan—after Dallas. УУУ 
Mac (2/93) Acting and directing, John 
Turturro dotes on family matters. ¥¥¥ 
Malcolm X (2/93) Way too long—but 
Denzel Washington's ona roll. УУУ 
Map of the Human Heart (Sce review) If. 
this isn’t love, then what is it? — ¥¥/2 
Oli Olivier (Sce review) A French 
take on a real identity crisis. viv 
Passion Fish (3/93) Friendship between 
two women on the bayou. wy 
Riff-Raff (Sce review) A London high 
tise full of lowbrow builders. Wh 
Stolen Children (See review) Abused 
youngsters enjoy a holiday. — ¥¥¥/2 
Strictly Ballroom (2/93) All dancing and 
fine fun in spite of itself. yy 
This Boy’s Life (See review) De Niro 
plays а stepdad to remember. УУУУ: 
Watch It (3/93) Boys meet girls in an 


agreeable romantic comedy. ¥¥'/2 
¥¥¥¥ Don’t miss ¥¥ Worth a look 
YYY Good show ¥ Forget it 


17 


VIDEO 


DUES) STET 


The last thing singer 
Patti LaBelle wants 
from video is more of 
what she does for a 
living. "1 dont like 
comedies,” says the 
star of TV's Out All 
Night, “and | can't 
take most musicals, 
either.” So what's on the VCR? “Tearjerk- 
ers and dramas. Like /mitation of Life with 
Lana Turner. That's my all-time favorite. 
Then comes Cabin in the Sky and Bette 
Davis in Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte and 
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" 
Which brings us to Patti's other passion— 
namely, “suspense and gore and blood. 
Like Silence of the Lambs. | like stuff like 
that. | am the bloody type. Very, very 
bloody.” Yikes. — SUSAN KARLIN 


VIDEO SIX-PACK 
this month: spring fever 


Springtime in the Rockies: Swing into spring 
with this lavish musical romance starring 
Betty Grable, Cesar Romero and Car- 
men Miranda (1942). 

The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone: In her 
penultimate film, ageless beauty Vivian 
Leigh is a 40ish actress romanced by 
young gigolo Warren Beatty. 

Spring Break: Bikinis, wet T-shirts and 
banana-cating contests dominate this 
1983 B flick. Mindless T and A? Sure, 
but great mindless T and A. 

The Virgin Spring: Bergman's 1959 Oscar- 
winning medieval drama—the perfect 
cold-shover antidote to spring fever. 
The Unbearable Lightness of Being: Prague 
Spring blooms in Philip Kaufman's 1988 
erotic spin on the Milan Kundera novel. 
Spring Cleaning the House and Chimney: IF 
you need a how-to video, the place must 
really be a mess. — TERRY CATCHPOLE 


VIDS IN SPACE 


The final frontier is closer than we think, 
Star Tik's Patrick Stewart pilots us 
through Space Age, Public Media's six- 
part documentary on the real stars. 
Quest for Planet Mars: The red planet gets 
a shot at the big time in this tell-all shut- 
tle trip to the 21st century- 

Celestial Sentinels: From Sputnik to Desert 
Storm, satellites link millions of eyes— 
and ears. The kicker: CIA spooks moni- 
tor your calls. 

The Unexpected Universe: Exploding galax- 
ies, the big bang, dying stars—it’s a vio- 
lent place way out there. 

To the Moon and Beyond: Moonburgers? 


18 Kentucky Fried Craters? Space station 


drive-throughs? Near space may be the 
next victim of urban sprawl. 
The series also includes Mission to Plan- 
et Earth and What's a Heaven For? 
— ELIZABETH O'KEEFE 
(All tapes $24.95, $99.95 for the boxed set; 
to order, 800-262-8600.) 


VIDEO WEIRDO 


Cult films live on. From Seattle comes 
Mike Vraney's Something Weird Video, a 
mail-order outfit specializing in the ex- 
ploitation "nudies" and “roughies” that 
flickered across drive-in screens in the 
Fifties and Sixtics. Vrancy's catalog of- 
fers hundreds of them—from trailers to 
loops to features—in all their “un- 
abashed, unaltered, untamed" glory. 

Far from tasteful, the tapes feature 
mild nudity (hard-core fans look else- 
where), occasional violence (usually pun- 
ished) and laughable dialog (in The 
Defilers, two buddies kidnap a country 
girl for “the one thing in this whole 
crummy, square-infested life that counts: 
kicks. You dig me2”). 

Some curious titles: The Spy Who Came, 
Beast of Yucca Flats, Thar She Blows, The 
Long, Swift Sword of Siegfried, Wham, 
Bang, Thank You Spaceman, She Came on 
the Bus and Scarf of Mist, Thigh of Satin. 

For the Something Weird catalog, 
send $3 to Department FUN, PO. Box 
33664, Seattle, Washington 98133. Re- 
quests must include a signed statement 
that you are 18 years of age or older. 

—DAVID LEFKOWITZ 


VIDEO VINE 


‘Tarzan swings—and MGM/UA has him 
in six tapes (three making debuts) star- 
ring tree-hugger Johnny Weissmuller. 

Tarzan, the Ape Man: Maureen O'Sulli- 
van flees urban coop to live like the 
Flintstones 
with her lord 
of the jungle 
and his chimp, 


Cheetah. Sort 
of like Green 
Acres. 


Tarzan and His 
Mate: Me Tar- 
zan, you Jane. 
Jane, you na- 
ked. Yep, vid 
restores Jane’s 
swim in the 
nude, censored when the Production 
Code cracked down. The scene is brief 
but, hey, vital to the plot. 

Tarzan Finds a Son: Tarzan finds Boy. 
‘Tarzan loses Boy. Tarzan and Jane fight 
for custody. A leafy L.A. Law. 

Tarzan's New York Adventure: The big guy 
takes on the Big Apple when a circus 
promoter, in the jungle to search for 
lions, bags Boy instead. 

Tarzan's Secret Treasure: Tarzan gets shot 
when Boy finds gold—and wicked 
prospectors. Boy, is Boy a pain. 

Tarzan Escopes: Tarzan is caged by a 
hunter who wants to exhibit him in 
America. Can T Man's animal buddies 
spring him? Guess. — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


Animal Instincts (horny hausewife screws entire town to get 
cop hubby hot; newcamer Shannon Whirry out-Stones 
Ѕһогоп); Inside Out 4 (ien new vignettes from the fiery fon- 
tasy series; best: couch potato brings porn star to life). 


By KEVIN COOK 


FORGET THE deficit. Forget Somalia, the 
Eurocurrency crisis, Sarajevo, all that 
trivia. We're talking sports. We're talking 
Jordan, Canseco, Montana. Should Mi- 
chael buy the NBA? Can Oakland win 
without Jose? Is Joe washed up, his spine 
like driftwood in San Francisco Bay? 

No way, says Niners fan Ray from San 
Jose. No way—Joe Montana's a real 
man, and real men never quit. 

Ray ought to know. Like thousands of 
other men spending thousands of hours 
on hold in radio limbo waiting to sound 
off on sports, he didn’t quit. Give up? 
Hang up? No way—the man just had to 
jock talk. 

Jock talk! Where opinions matter 
more than wins and losses and every 
sentence ends with an exclamation 
point! The Los Angeles Times calls it ra- 
dio’s “booming cottage industry.” It’s 
bigger than Cecil Fielder or Rush Lim- 
baugh, a gold mine for advertisers, a па- 
tionwide forum for testostoratory. Let 
NPR worry about the deficit; guys just 
want to talk sports. 

After New York's WFAN went all- 
sports in 1987, the trend took off like a 
Fielder upper-decker. There are now 
279 sports shows on American radio. 
Guys routinely wait half an hour—often 
an hour or longer in big cities—for a 
minute or two on the air. There are all- 
sports stations in Los Angeles, Chicago, 
Boston, Philadelphia, Seattle, Tampa, 
Minneapolis, San Diego and even Albu- 
querque, where fans live and die with 
the Dukes, a Los Angeles Dodgers farm 
club. All these outlets plugged in after 
WEAN, brain-sired by media mogul and 
former Seattle Mariners owner Jeff 
Smulyan, proved to advertisers that 
sports radio was an easy way to men's 
hearts. Men don't watch as much TV as 
women do, and music radio is splintered 
among oldies, Metallica and Billy Ray 
Cyrus. If you want to sell beer, cars or 
Gatorade on the radio, sell jock talk. 

Two years ago Smulyan sold WFAN, 
which he had bought for a pocketful of 
marbles, for $70 million. Smulyax's baby 
and its cousins kept growing. They were 
soon joined by outlets in Providence, 
Reno and Oklahoma City and by a new 
all-Spanish all-sports show, southern 
California's Deporte Total. Now there's a 
jock-talk war going on in Los Angeles, 
where KMPC's Jim Lampley, who woos 
callers by saying, "Love you desperate- 
ly" sneers openly at rival XTRA. But 
XTRA has a secret weapon: a powerful 
transmitter based in Mexico. Phone lines 
are “going crazy, jam-packed” at XTRA, 
says producer Joe Tutino, whose station 
intends to win the war. Rumors say 


20 XTRA will double its power to a blaring 


Those who can, do. Those who can't, call. 


How jock-talk radio 
hits home runs 
with fans. 


100,000 watts, overwhelming Lampley 
and filling the skies from Tijuana to 
Alaska. 

Sports radio doesn't just talk anymore. 
It affects sports and sports people. 
Dodgers manager Tom Lasorda called 
St. Louis’ KMOX to gripe about second- 
guessing. Former Cleveland Cavaliers 
owner Ted Stepien threatened to sue 
WWWE, the station that carried his 
team’s games, over negative coverage. 
San Diego Chargers tackle Joe Phillips, 
unhappy with his contract, called Charg- 
ers general manager Bobby Beathard 
on XTRA; Beathard wouldn't take the 
call. Also on XTRA, jock talker Chet 
Forte blasted Magic Johnson for missing 
an interview. Magic, stuck in traffic, 
called from his limo to chat with Chet. 
And when WFAN's Chris "Mad Dog" 
Russo scorned "the nobodies" Jimmy 
Connors beat in the 1991 U.S. Open, in- 
cluding Aaron Krickstein, Krickstein 
phoned in to ask, "Who you calling a 
nobody?" 

"Sports radio is opinions and pursu- 
ing opinions with the public, and you 
don't have time for that in TV," says 
Forte, who came to radio from ABC- 
TV's Olympics coverage and Monday 
Night Football. "And TV can't do real 
opinions. They're worried about their 
big-money contracts, so they butter up 
the NFL, the NBA and major- 
baseball. On radio we tell it like it 

Some pundits say jock talk succeeds 
because society has leit men no common 


language but sports. Humorist Dave 
Barry calls sports radio "bizarre. Guys 
who have never sent get-well cards to 
their own mothers will express heartfelt, 
near-suicidal anguish over the ham- 
string problems of strangers." 

To which any dedicated jock talker 
would respond: Mom got better. And 
that was no stranger whose hamstring 
pained a zillion fans. That was Michael 
Jordan. 

Sports radio succeeds because a lot of 
guys care who wins, who loses, who gets 
hurt and which slugger gets the run 
home from third. On the radio, a guy 
who registers his gripes or sings the 
praises of his heroes becomes part of the 
sporting scene. Unlike TV or live sport- 
ing events, jock-talk radio is interactive. 
You win or lose on the strength of your 
arguments. Argue well and you might 
even hear the words every caller longs 
for: “Good point!” Your name and town 
will be famous, at least for a minute. 

As my buddy Skip says, “By being on 
the radio, you achieve celebrity whether 
you deserve it or not.” As PLAYBOY's base- 
ball vriter, I sometimes achieve celebrity 
by guesting on jock-talk shows. I have 
hazarded opinions on WEAN (with its 
razor-sharp callers, including that genius 
Yankees fan, Vinnie from Queens), XTRA 
(Can you hear me in Indiana, Ma?), 
Pittsburgh's KDKA (football town—they 
ask about the Steelers in April) and oth- 
ers too small to recall. Last spring I was 
on Chicago's WSCR, on a long-distance 
phone line with hosts Dan Jiggetts and 
Mike North. Jiggetts got the jokes. He 
laughed when I said Hector Villanueva, 
a slugger who runs the hundred in 9.7 
days, should be the Cubs’ left fielder. 
The fans would love it, I said, and the 
Cubs would still finish third with Jesus 
Cristo himself in left. But North got in- 
censed. A traditionalist, he spat bubbles 
when I said today's Cleveland Indians 
would whup the fabled 1927 Yankees. 
After he and Jiggetts clicked me off the 
air, North said, “What a goofball!” 

But jock talk is everywhere. Within 
five minutes I'd heard from three listen- 
ers: “He called you a goofball!” 

"That's his opinion. Mine says the 1992 
Indians would whup the 1927 Yanks. 
That's how much the playing of sports 
has advanced since 1927. It's harder to 
say how much jock talk has advanced 
since WFAN fanned the flames in 
1987—maybe it's worse with goofballs 
like North and me in the business—but 
Гт glad to have played a part in its start. 

Before long, as Forte says, we may not 
need to watch the games our tightly 
hamstrung heroes play. We'll just talk 
about them. 


ms HARL 
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VIC GARBARINI 


IN 1988 Vernon Reid’s blissfully un- 
hinged fretwork on Cult of Personality 
marked him as the first black guitar hero 
since Hendrix to conquer the main- 
stream. His band, Living Colour, got to 
flex its musical muscles on the 1990 
sophomore effort Time's Up. Reid's gui- 
tar still sounds like a psychotic laser on 
the band's latest album, Stain (Epic). So 
why is the overall effect unsatisfying? Be- 
cause they are four excellent musicians 
who sound out of sync and stiff. Their 
usually excellent rhythm section often 
seems mired in metallic plod and stomp, 
then it lurches into weird time signa- 
tures that sound forced. Vocalist Corey 
Glover is politically correct but not often 
passionate. In short, they don't swing. 
When they sound especially centered, 
as on Never Satisfied and WTFF, Reid's 
guitar pyrotechnics are given a worthy 
context, and Living Colour escapes its 
paint-by-numbers tendencies. Let it rip, 
guys—that roar you hear is Metallica 
and Helmet in the fast lane. 


FAST CUTS: Jack DeJohnette, Music for 
the Fifth World (Manhattan): Vernon 
Reid’s frenzied guitar outbursts accent 
John Scofield’ angular melodicism, 
while jazz drummer DeJohnette and 
Living Colour drummer Will Calhoun 
thunder and roll through Jack’s endear- 
ingly quirky jazz-thrash fusion. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Here's the situation: I listened to Sun- 
rise on the Sufferbus (Chrysalis), by Masters 
of Reality, and thought it one of the best 
CDs I'd heard in a long time. Then I 
went to work, where I was thinking 
about 853 other things, and when I 
phoned in my selection for the PLAYBOY 
Rockmeter, I said, “Circus of Power." I 
meant to say one thing and I said anoth- 
er. I'm an idiot, OK? 

“Let me change my pick,” I groveled 
before my editor. 

“The integrity of the revered PLAYBOY 
Rockmeter must remain inviolate,” she 
said. “We already sent Circus of Power to 
the other guys.” 

So I have to review Magic & Madness 
(Columbia), by Circus of Power. This 
isn't a problem, I just wouldnt have 
picked it for the revered pLayBoy Rock- 
meter. It has some good guitar licks, par- 
ticularly on the slide guitar, but rather 
unoriginal lyrics. 

By contrast, Masters of Reality—con- 
sisting of Chris Goss on vocals and gui- 
tar, Googe on bass and Ginger Baker on 


22 drums—manages to come up with some- 


Living Colour's Stain. 


Guitar pyrotechnics, some 
Magic & Madness and a 
glimpse into The Future. 


thing hugely original and familiar at the 
same time. It's blues-based but not the 
blues. It falls somewhere between Black 
Sabbath and Cream, with Hank Wil- 
liams’ sense of spare-but-beautiful song 
architecture. And it has perfect guitar 
tone and riffs. Its slightly surreal, tall- 
tale lyrics are perfect, too. Just buy it and 
know that we will accept no letters saying 
you already knew I was an idiot. 


FAST CUTS: Rift (Elektra), by Phish: 
There are so many "fish" bands (School 
of Fish, An Emotional Fish, etc.) that it's 
hard to keep all the acoustic creatures 
straight. These particular Phish have 
toured tirelessly and gained a reputation 
on the college circuit for their energetic 
concerts and improvisational skills so 
valued by those who might otherwise be 
chasing the Dead. Does it work on 
record? Yeah. The sound is mostly 
sweet, with little distortion on the guitars 
and greater emphasis on keyboards than 
most rock I've heard lately. They pride 
themselves on musicianship and concen- 
trate on organically intricate ensemble 
playing, which can be heard clearly since 
there's no guitar wash. Every anachro- 
nism that goes around comes around, 
and they're coming around. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Although it's taken too long, Public 
Enemy finally has some ideological com- 


petition. After ruling serious rap for five 
years, its Afrocentric smarts have been 
challenged, first by Arrested Develop- 
ment, whose Revolution is to Malcolm X as 
Fight the Power is to Do the Right Thing, 
and then by the Disposable Heroes of 
Hiphoprisy Now, Philadelphia's Goats 
join in the competition. 

Like the Disposable Heroes, the Goats 
are pointedly interracial, but they're far 
more street, brandishing cop tales that 
have a firsthand ring. Some may find 
Tricks of the Shade (Ruffhouse/Columbia) 
dogmatic—I think “fascist” is too evil a 
name to call Bill Clinton. 

The music of this true hip-hop band 
says something as well. Augmenting the 
three rappers are live guitars, bass, 


Î drums, keyboards and turntables, with 


the rock-simple strength of the bass and 
guitar parts exploiting a sonic potential 
too often ignored by rap. Lots of rappers 
want to keep genre lines sharply drawn, 
but that never works. The Goats have 
the right idea in more ways than one. 


FAST CUTS: Neneh Cherry, Homebrew 
(Virgin): Proof that the line between rap 
and pop isn’t all that distinct, either. 

Hoosier Hot Shots, Rural Rhythm 
(1935-1942) (Columbia): If you can admit 
to yourself that you want to hear four 
novelty-mad stooges from before you 
were born sing I Like Bananas (Because 
They Have No Bones), then you won't be 


sorry. 


DAVE MARSH 


Leonard Cohen is a veteran Canadian 
poet whose métier is romanticism and 
despair. David Baerwald is a journey- 
man songwriter whose home turf is 
Hollywood's fin de siècle demimonde. 
Neneh Cherry is a young record maker 
who mingles dance-club life and melodic 
domesticity. Strangely enough, these 
three have much in common. 

On The Future (Columbia), Cohen in- 
tones some of his more notably pes- 
simistic aphorisms. "I've seen the future, 
brother, and it is murder," he declares, 
and that's no metaphor. He convincingly 
portrays the pursuit of democracy as 
man's most dangerous pastime and signs 
off with Always, in which he treats Irving 
Berlin's sentimental favorite with a blues 
guitar and a voice like Bob Dylan's. He's 
seen the future, all right. It not only 
doesn't work, it gives him a cold chill 
straight up the spine. In Los Angeles, 
Baerwald observes trendies and im- 
postors performing maneuvers of social 
self-destruction that he terms Triage 
(A&M). He's never sounded more like 


91993 BAWT Co 


YOU KNOW IT. 


Kings, 16 mg. "tar", 1.1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette 
hy FTC method 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


24 


FAST TRACKS 


David Baerwald 
т 7 


Circus of Power 
Magic & Madness 


Des'ree 


Mind Adventures 


The Goats 
Tricks of the Shade 


Christgau | Garbarini 
6 6 7 7 
4 7 6 3) 6 
3 8 8 8 8 
E 6 6 8 8 
8 5 8 7 if 


BY THE TIME 1 GET TO WOODSTOCK DE- 
PARTMENT: Mark your calendars, all 
you bell-bottom-wearing, psychedel- 
ic-loving air-guitar players: Officials 
in Bethel, New York have given pre- 
liminary approval for a 1994 celebra- 
tion concert of Woodstock's 25th an- 
niversary. Promoters expect a crowd 
of 100,000. We predict rain. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Rapper Too 
Short makes an appearance on Menace 
10 Society. . . . Phil Collins has joined the 
HBO cast of And the Band Played On, 
the story of how AIDS spread to the 
U.S., starring Richard Gere, Апі 
Huston and Matthew Modine. . . . Whitney 
Houston, Vanessa Williams and Jennifer 
Holliday are among the actress-singers 
being considered for the film version 
of the Broadway hit Dreamgirls to be 
directed by Frank Oz. . . . Sonic Youth's 
documentary 1991: The Year Punk 
Broke also features Nirvana, Ramones, 
Dinosaur Jr. and Babes in Toyland. 

NEWSBREAKS: ABC TV's In Concert 
continues through June but is re- 
duced to a half hour from an hour. 
ABC will continue to air 90-minute 
music specials as well. . . . Vince Neil's 
swimsuit line is called Exposure. 
The Jackson family’s company has 
broken ground оп а Las Vegas enter- 
tainment complex to open in 1995. It 
will include a recording studio, a 
nightclub and a wedding chapel. . . . 
John Fogerty is recording his first LP in 
six years. . . . Malcolm X's daughter 
Gamilah Shabazz is working on an al- 
bum to be called Rated X. . . . Depeche 
Node's LP is scheduled for release any 
day. Violator came out back in 1990. . . . 
Mariah Carey is seriously considering 
her first tour. . . . We usually don't go. 
nuts about pay-per-view, but we liked 
the all-star 30th-anniversary Bob Dylan 
celebration so much that we watched 
parts of it two or three times (Clapton 


and Eddie Vedder come to mind). If 
you missed it, PBS plans to air it dur- 
ing spring pledge weck. Go get a 
blank tape. . . . РМ. Dawn, who have a 
song in Chris Rock's rapumentary Cell 
Block Four, also have an LP coming 
out. . . . Smokey Robinson is introducing 
an interactive computer-based ver- 
sion of the piano-teaching system 
called the Miracle in conjunction with 
Software Toolworks. . . . It's been a 
long time, but Boyz II Men are (at last) 
back in the studio. . . . Marvin Gaye was 
feted at the annual International Mu- 
sic Convention in Cannes. Gaye's 
daughter Nona was among the per- 
formers, and a television special oF 
the concert was produced, we hope, 
for broadcast in the U.S. In another 
Gaye note: Son Marvin Ш and band 
Nubreed have a record contract. Ў 
Randy Newman has written a musical 
based on the legend of Faust and has 
already taped performances by Elton 
John, Bonnie Raitt, Linda Ronstadt and 
James Taylor. Newman is doing some 
of the music on his tour and hopes to 
get it produced off-Broadway... . The 
July release of the Greenpeace LP wil 
include songs by the B-52s, U2, R.E.M., 
Public Enemy and Annie Lennox on the 
first disc to be recorded and mixed 
using solar energy. . . . The Dead's Bob 
Weir and Taj Mahal are developing a 
theater piece about baseball great 
Satchel Paige. . . . When Thelonious Mon- 
ster drummer Pete Weiss married mod- 
el Stacey Lowe, Perry Farrell gave the 
bride away and Flea was the best man. 
And in a lovely but nontraditional 
touch, Flea caught the bridal bou- 
quet. . . . Finally, under the heading 
“Is it only rock and roll?” First 
bro Roger Clinton has signed a contract 
with Atlantic records. Look for his de- 
but LP sometime this spring. 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


the Nineties answer to Steely Dan—ex- 
cept on the final three songs (culminat- 
ing in the desperate Born for Love), which 
render Springsteen's Nebraska as it might 
look while driving by the boutiques on 
Melrose Avenue. Cherry a Swedish 
American singing from London, would 
like to sell herself as an apostle of neo- 
hippie positivity. and sometimes the 
swell of her post-Buffalo Stance dance 
rhythms almost pulls it off. Homebrew 
(Virgin) sounds more convincing when 
her electro-hip-hop beats become wistful 
and evocative, as on Peace in Mind. 
Which goes to show that even though 
trends may come and go, musicians with 
vision find common ground. 


FAST CUTS: Paris, Sleeping with the Enemy 
(Scarface): This LP was rejected by Time 
Warner for threatening George Bush's 
life while using his own sound bites. It'll 
make your average liberal cringe. 


NELSON GEORGE 


My shorthand description of Des'ree 
is Anita Baker meets Tracy Chapman. 
Not that she's the vocal match of the bal- 
ladeer or as intensely personal as the 
folksy songwriter. But this black British 
vocalist manages to suggest the best 
qualities of both on her debut LP, mind 
Adventures (Epic). 

This ten-song collection is marked by 
spirited soul singing and lyrics of quiet 
introspection rarely found in R&B. 
Throughout Mind Adventures, there is a 
desire to communicate real intimacy as 
opposed to romantic clichés, The funky 
title track, the passionate song Mama 
Please Don't Cry and the deceptively hap- 
py Stand on My Own Ground are among 
the gems here. 


FAST CUTS: Chic, The Best of Chic, Volume 2 
(Rhino/Atlantic): This is an unusual col- 
lection in that most of the tracks were 
not hits. The first volume, Dance, Dance, 
Dance, covered major successes such as 
Le Freak and Good Times, though these 
were released after the group’s critical 
peak. Any fan of Chic will be happy to 
have a CD that includes Rebels Are We, At 
Last 1 Am Free and Tavern on the Green. 

Lesette Wilson, Unmasked (Atlantic): 
Mellow is one of the most despised 
words in the lexicon. In a culture ob- 
sessed with the hard, the raw and the 
uncooked, mellow is viewed as some 
kind of disease. It may be a mixed bless- 
ing to describe Lesette Wilson's. Un- 
masked as mellow. But this hardworking 
keyboardist-arranger-producer-song- 
writer has created one of those brunch 
and brie collections that is hard to review 
but pleasant to hear. A title like Spanish 
Daydream gives you a sense of Wilson's 
musical textures. 


STYLE 


FISHY FASHION 


The fishing vest is the fashion catch of the season, so to speak. 
When worn over a light flannel shirt, a T-shirt or alone, it 
looks great and is functional, with plenty of pockets for all 
your stash. Two of our favorite styles, a nylon mesh/cotton vest 
($195) and one made of washed canvas ($185), come from the 
DKNY men's collection by Donna Karan. Willis & Geiger of- 
fers a tan-colored cotton-poplin fly vest ($196). 
Columbia Sportswear's five fishing-vest 
variations (including the one shown 
here) are available in regular and su- 
per sizes ($40 to $100), while Woolrich 
Classics’ 11 styles are made of all cotton 
or cotton and polyester in shades such 
as navy, brick, slate, dark green and 
tan. Polo by Ralph Lauren's bright 
redand blue vests are less tradition- 
alin color but equally practical, as 
they're made of a water-resistant 
coated microfiber. And Wathne, 
an upscale catalog company with 
clothing and gear for the great 
outdoors, offers three fishing vests— 
one in natural sucde ($630), onc in oil- 
cloth ($350) and one made of canvas 
($295). АШ arc keepers. 


JEANS SCENE 


If you think nothing could come between you and your 
five-pocket denim jeans, get this: The popular pant 
style is now available in other fabrics. If you're into 
Sixties chic, for example, the Island Trading Com- 
pany has a great selection of lightweight cot- 
ton-sheeting jeans in bold ethnic prints 
($120). For a refined alternative to khaki, 
the J.0.E. collection by Joseph Abboud 
includes washed-linen jeans in oatmeal, 
green and three shades of blue ($95). 
French Connection offers a more 
rugged take on linen with its washed 
five-pocket hopsack-linen jeans in indi- 
go, sand and black ($85). Hopsack, 
while rough-looking, is actually soft to the 
touch and extremely comfortable. So is 
heather-knit fleece, the fabric that designer 
Michael Kors used in his new five-pocket pants 
($125). Prefer something smooth and sleek? Men 
Go Silk’s luxurious cotton-and-silk jeans ($165) 
come in indigo and antique black. 


HOT SHOPPING: APRIL IN PARIS 


To the French, shopping is practically an art form. They've 
even opened an upscale shopping mall under the Louvre Mu- 
seum. At street level, 
these great places 
are the ones to invest 
in. Jean Paul Gaulti- 
er (6 Rue Vivienne): 
Home base for fash- 
ion's bad boy, this 
place features cloth- 
ing and crowds that 
arc equally hot. e 
Loft (12 Rue du 
Faubourg St. Hon- 
oré) Best place to 
get boxers and ox- 
ford-cloth shirts. e 
Charvet (28 Place 
Vendóme): The most 
prestigious place for 
custom-made shirts. 
e Bastille Optic (38 
Rue de la Roquette): 
The site for trendy 
designer specs. e 
Angelina (296 Rue 
dc Rivoli): Top mod- 
els stop by this tea- 
room for a caffeine- 
and-sugar rush. e 


French army, with hip styles at affordable prices. 


GOOD SCENTS 


look good. You have to smell good, too. That's why 


ounce splash, $46). . 
line, woodsy scent from Ralph Lauren, which 


$48.50). . . . Joop Homme, a sophisticated floral 
(3.4-оцпсе skin scent, $38) and Cool Water (4. 


door types from Aramis and Davidoff. 


E T E R 


SPRING COATS 


DETAILS 


COLORS 


Baseball and booting jackets; cor coats; 
fabrics with waxed or rubberized finishes 


Multichained biker jackets; silk; anything 


acid-washed 


Reversible jackets; hoods; wood toggles 
and heavy metal hardware; big pockets 


Classic shades such as navy, green or red; 
bright ones such os yellow ar safety orange 


Wide-knit woistbands and wrist cuffs; scenic 
screen prints; puffy quilting; contrast stitching 


Easter-egg pastels; acid brights; any calar named 
after с salad fixing 


Where & How lo Buy on page 175. 


Paraboot (9 Rue de Grenelle): Boot supplier to the 


In the game of sexual attraction, it’s not enough to 


we went to those who are in the nose (namely, our 
female staff) to find out what men’s fragrances 

they favor. Here's a whiff: Romeo Gigli per uomo, a 

subtle organic scent that comes in a sleck indus- 
bottle (3.4 ounces, $65). . . . Versus, a cool, 
citrusy spice cologne by Gianni Versace (3.4- 
- Safari for Men, a mascu- 


comes in a cut-glass decanter (4.2-ounce spray. 


from Europe (4.2-ounce spray, $55). . . . New West 


ounce spray, $55), two crisp, clean scents for out- = 


25 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


IN 1983 Robert Mason wrote a powerful 
memoir of the Vietnam war, Chicken- 
hawk, which vividly recalled his combat 
experiences as a helicopter pilot. The 
epilog of that best-seller offered, with no 
explanation, the jarring note that he had 
been arrested for smuggling marijuana. 
Now, in Chickenhawk: Back in the World 
(Viking), Mason tells the story of his 
transition from the jungles of Vietnam to 
civilian life in 1966. His difficulty mak- 
ing that transition landed him in jail. 

At first glance, he had it easier than 
most. Mason returned home to a job in- 
structing new pilots at the U.S. Army 
Primary Helicopter School at Fort 
Wolters, Texas, but nightmares plagued 
his sleep. Dizzy spells, diagnosed as com- 
bat neurosis, forced him into a desk job. 
Discharged from the Army, he went back 

*to school at the University of Florida but 
dropped out. 

Down on his luck—his Vietnam mem- 
oir was rejected by many publishers— 
Mason decided to crew on a boat smug- 
gling marijuana from Colombia. The 
voyage began as sort of an adventurous 
lark. They picked up 3500 pounds of 
marijuana without a hitch but were bust- 
ed by Customs just outside their U.S. 
rendezvous point. Mason was sentenced 
to five years in Eglin Federal Prison at 
Eglin Air Force Base in Florida. 

The second half of the book is a pecu- 
liar kind of prison memoir, peculiar be- 
cause Eglin is the minimum-security 
prison where Bob Haldeman and one of 
Maryland's ex-governors did time and 
because Mason's detailed descriptions of 
prison life and his changing mental 
states during those 20 months in jail are 
fascinating. 

In Eglin he was greeted by the war- 
den аз a "high-profile prisoner" because 
Chickenhawk had finally been published. 
A few months later he was featured in 
People magazine. Within a year he was on 
the New York Times best-seller list and 
pulling in $200,000 in royalty payments. 
But each day his real life consisted of 
running a supply room for the prison 
commissary. 

Once out of prison, Mason wrote a sci- 
ence-fiction novel, Weapon, and this se- 
quel to Chickenhawk. Much more than a 
cautionary tale about marijuana smug- 
gling, Chickenhawk: Back im the World is 
the story of one vet's postwar agony told 
eloquently and unsentimentally. 

In time for opening day comes a first 
novel about baseball, Sometimes You See It 
Coming (Crown), by Kevin Baker, which 
contains some of the best play-by-play 
game descriptions we've ever read. Os- 
tensibly the life of John Barr, a fictional 


26 right fielder and power hitter for the 


Chickenhawk is Back in the World. 


A Vietnam vet's postwar 
agony, а Gulf war 
chronicle and vampire lore. 


New York Mets, this book is an offbeat 
search for the deeper meaning of the 
game. The Old Swizzlehead, a.k.a. 
Rapid Ricky Falls, is the black veteran 
who follows Barr's rise to stardom from 
his first appearance in the locker room 
in Hell's Gate, West Virginia in tlie mi- 
nors. As he tells this tale with innumer- 
able laconic digressions, he offers a short. 
course on baseball lore. 

In addition to its insider baseball an- 
ecdotes, Sometimes You See It Coming i 
filled with zany humor. In one hysteri- 
cally funny chapter, Eileen the Bullpen 
Queen causes such major distractions by 
granting favors to the entire team in the 
bullpen during a game that the bewil- 
dered coach has difficulty keeping nine 
men on the field. 

In Martyrs’ Day: Chronicle of a Small War 
(Random House), Michael Kelly writes: 
“The Gulf war was an experience di 
connected from itself, conducted 
such speed and at such distances and 
with so few witnesses that it was, even for 
many of the people involved, an abstrac- 
tion." But Kelly's riveting eyevitness ac- 
count of this war and its repercussions is 
impressively concrete. He records the 
smell of the streets, the bizarre variety of 
foods, the attitudes of people still work- 
ing in the markets, the look of corpses in 
a Kuwaiti morgue. Traveling without the 
restrictions of the official press corps, 
Kelly courageously drove across the 
desert in a four-wheel-drive Nissan Sa- 
fari, talking with people at the ground 


level of the war, from Tel Aviv to Bagh- 
dad. His dispatches for The New Republic 
and The Boston Globe won awards, and 
this vivid and immediate journal of his 
experiences brings the war and all its 
horrors alive again. 

Finally, it's a long way from Vlad the 
Impaler to Anne Rice's Vampire Le- 
stat—or is it? In The Essential Dracula: The 
Definitive Annotated Edition of Bram Stoker’s 
Classic Novel (Plume), editor Leonard 
Wolf offers the complete 1897 text, plus 
a running commentary on this seminal 
and sanguine literary figure. His schol- 
arship helps illuminate the murkier as- 
pects of Stoker's 19th century prose 
while referring to both the historical 
figure on whom Dracula is based and the 
lore that has grown up around him. 


BOOK BAG 


The Baby Train: And Other Lusty Urban Leg- 
ends (Norton), by Jan Harold Brunvand: 
In his fifth book of urban legends, the 
Utah folklorist once again reveals the 
power of a good story and the network 
that keeps it alive and changing. 

How to Succeed in Business Without Lying, 
Cheating or Stealing (Pocket), by Jack 
Nadel: A handbook of business nuggets 
designed to help you make millions 
without compromising your ideals. 

The Reagan Presidency: An Actor’s Finest 
Performance (Hippocrene), by Wilbur 
Edel: A careful analysis of Reagan's pub- 
lic record leads this author to the conclu- 
sion that America's 40th president was 
"the biggest fraud ever to occupy the 
White House." 

Rooster Crows at Light from the Bombing: 
Echoes from the Gulf War (Inroads), edited 
by Anthony Signorelli and Paul Mac- 
Adam: An intense collection of poems 
and essays that expands our under- 
standing of the war. 

The USA Today Golf Atlas (Simon & 
Schuster), edited by f-stop Fitzgerald 
and Will Balliett: The first geographical 
guide to 50 top public and private cours- 
esacross the country. Maps detail layouts 
of each hole, water hazards, tees and 
greens. 

For Better, for Worse (Doubleday), by Su- 
san Squire: Journalist Squire debunks 
the myth of euphoric parenthood by fol- 
lowing five couples through pregnancy 
and the babies’ first year. A candid take 
on how children change marriage. 

In the Presence of Enemies (St. Martin's), 
by William J. Coughlin: A taut legal 
thriller focused on a billionaire banking 
tycoon's death. The banker leaves con- 
trol of his fortune to his beautiful second 
wife, and her stepchildren contest the 
will. The late Coughlin, a former judge, 
knew his stuff. 

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MANTRACK 


a guy’s guide to changing times 


MALE BASHING FOR FUN AND PROFIT 


‘The geniuses on Madi- 
son Avenue (men, mostly) 
have discovered that to 
sell products to wom- 
en, it helps to attack 
men. Look at the male- 
bashing copy on this 
ad for the Bodyslim- 
mers undergarment: 
"While you don't nec- 
essarily dress for men, 
it doesn’t hurt, on 
occasion, to see one 
drool like the pathet- 
ic dog that he 
Laundry, a line of 
women's clothing, 
has launched a se- 
ries of billboards 
featuring antago- 
nistic quotes from wom- 
en such as Margaret Thatcher: “If you 
want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask 
a woman.” Even Lady Reebok finishes off one of its 
ads with, “Occasionally, I even listen to men. But I trust 
women.” Jack Kliger, the publisher of Glamour, a magazine 
that runs many of these ads, loves male bashing. “Women 
view these ads as representative of a realistic voice,” he 
drooled, perhaps like a pathetic dog. “Response has been 
overwhelmingly positive.” 


THE G SPOT 


Here's today's oddest health fact: Astronauts and Air Force 
"top guns" are far more likely to father girls than boys. 
Researcher Dr. Bert Little at the University of Texas’ South- 
western Medical Center theorizes that exposure to high 
g-force conditions is the cause 


WHERE THE GRRRLS ARE 


Watch out: The Riot Grrrls are 
pissed off—and they have combat 
boots and grunge music to prove 
it. The Grrrls, a growing net- 
work of 14- to 25-year-old 
women, are cultivating an al- 
ternative brand of feminism 
through punk bands, discus- 
sion groups and about 100 
homemade fanzines. Like 
their role models Courtney 
Love (lead singer of the all-girl band 
Hole), who isn't a Riot Grrrl, and Kath- 
leen Hanna (former stripper and mem- 
ber of the band Bikini Kill), who is, the 
Grrrls are brash, sexy and blunt. 
They've appropriated negative stereo- 
types in an effort to turn them into sym- 
bols of power. At their convention last year, 
nubile participants strolled Washington, 
D.C. streets with SLUT, PUSSY, BITCH and 
WHORE written on their bare midriffs, arms 
and ankles. But it's the fanzines, with names 
such as Crumbly Lil Bunny, Plagiarislic Tendencies 
and Satan Wears а Bra, that give the Riot Grrrls 
nationwide appeal. The zines tell Grrrls about 
the latest all-girl bands, serve up typical Grrrl 
think pieces (“Death to All Fucker Punk Boys 
Who Refuse to Acknowledge the Girl Punk 
Revolution’ is our favorite) and promote vege- 
tarianism, kindness to animals and the joys of 
a drug-free life (which gives them something 
in common with Nancy Rrrrgan). A true zine 
passion: disseminating techniques for creating 
mosh pits safe for women. When the pits go 
coed, you'll know the Grrrls have won. 


GUYS AND DOWELS 


We're modern men. We're more open with our emotions, closer to our kids, better educated and more technically so- 
phisticated than our dads, right? Then why do we feel so inferior? 

"The answer: We're incompetent. We have the big skills (we can close escrow) but not the little ones (we can't build a bird- 
house). Dad can; he knows it and we know it. Here are some other differences: 


DAD 

‘Turned garage into meticulous workshop 
Tunes his own car 

Caught fish for every meal during family camping trip 
Built the basement rec room 

Knows how to fix a broken bicycle 
Showed son how to throw a curve 
Carves holiday turkey 

Was thrilled to get Heathkit radio 

Was deacon at church 

Good with hands 


MODERN MAN 

Can find his only screwdriver in less than 30 minutes 

Pumps own gas if pressed for time ` 

Watched Bassmasters once but couldn't follow jargon 

‘Tried to hang fake Tiffany lamps by nailing into acoustical tile 
Knows, in theory, how a dog is fixed 


Still can't beat his son at any Nintendo game except Tetris 


Severed fingertip slicing kohlrabi 


Already bored by limited choices from satellite dish 
Became mail-order minister to beat the draft 


Good with mouth 
29 


30 


MICHAEL EISNER’S SHOPPING LIST 


When Disney chief Michael Fisner became the first top- 
level exec to exercise his stock options and avoid the specter 
of a Clinton tax hike, he made a cool $197.5 million. Since a 
dollar doesn't go as far as it used to, we found five sensible 
ways for Mike to spend his new cash surplus. 

(1) An expansion baseball team (plus stadium and land). 

(2) А copy of every CD ever made (including box sets) and 
a really good sound system. 

(3) 3657 BMW 74015 with extended warranties. 

(4) A 40,000-acre island in the Caribbean. 

(5) 39,898,989 copies of this issue of PLAYBOY (which would 
give us a very good month) or, if he's too busy to hit the news- 
stand, a subscription through the year 6591916, by which 
time we should have finally landed that elusive pictorial of the 
Gore daughters. 


LIP SERVICE 


“There is no more potent weapon in any profession than a 
woman with a feminine exterior and a will of steel, and I defy 
you to find one man who will disagree.” 

—-FEDERAI, JUDGE MARYANNE TRUMP BARRY 


“Homelessness is a women's issue because many women are 
just one man away from being homeless themselves.” 
—FEMINIST LETTY COTTIN POGREBIN 


“A man without things to do is not a man." 
— LUTHER, A NEWSSTAND ATTENDANT IN Slim's Table 


"Marriage is, remember, a male institution. Men created it, 
and men like it. Men need marriage more than women do 
and sufler far more profoundly outside i 

—AUTHOR DALMA HEYN 


“A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get 
down in the dirt and beg for it.” 
—JACK HANDEY IN Deep Thoughts 


“Most men are untidy, sloppy, slouchy, tardy and 
immature.” —SINGER SUZANNE RHATIGAN 


WOULD YOU DATE A FEMINIST? DO YOU LIKE CONNIE CHUNG? ARE YOU FAITHFUL? 
(© CALL THE MANTRACK SURVEY LINE TODAY Z3 


"The PLAYBOY Mantrack Survey Line is your chance to let the 
world know how you fecl about important issues affecting men. 
Every Mantrack feature will have a new group of questions. To 
take part in this month's poll, just call 900-869-8722—the cost is 
only 75 cents per minute—and a PLAYBOY Playmate will tell you 
how to register your opinion. Remember: You must be 18 years or 
older and use a touch-tone phone. The average length of each call 
is three minutes. PLAYBOY operates the Mantrack Survey Line as 
a service to our readers—the price is low to give you an easy, in- 
expensive way to sound off. Be sure to look for poll results in 
forthcoming issues. 

"This month's survey tackles a broad range of subjects. When 
you call the Mantrack Survey Line, you'll get to answer questions 
about feminism and how if affects your life. You'll also be asked to 
rate the TV newspeople and to tell us if you're faithful to your 
loved one (and what happens when you're not). 


~~ FEMINISM 


(1) How does feminism affect your dating habits? Are you more 
or less likely to date a woman who describes herself as a feminist? 

(2) How has feminism affected your personal life? Has its effect 
been positive or negative or somewhere in between? 

(3) Women have many organizations, such as the National Or- 
ganization for Women, that represent their causes. Do men need 
similar organizations? 


(1) Who do you think is the best male TV news anchor? Is it 
Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw or Peter Jennings? Or do you think 
none of them compares with Walter Cronkite? 

(2) Who would be best advised to wear a hat while on the air? 
Ted Koppel, Sam Donaldson, Irving R. Levine or Gene Shalit? 

(3) Who's your choice for the first full-time female anchor of a 
network newscast? Connie Chung, Diane Sawyer, Catherine Crier 
or Jane Pauley? 

(4) Who asks the silliest questions? Barbara Walters, Larry 
King, John McLaughlin or Maria Shriver? 


ARE YOU FAITHFUL? 

(1) Have you ever had an affair while you were involved in a re- 
lationship that was supposed to be monogamous? If you did, why? 
Was it lust, boredom, revenge or simply an error in judgment? 

(2) What happened to your primary relationship as a result of 
your affair? Are you still together? Did you break up because of 
the affair? Did you break up for other reasons? 

(3) What happened to your affair? Is it still going on? Did it end 
while your primary relationship was still going on? After? 

(4) How often do you have affairs? Never? Rarely? Sometimes? 
Frequently? 
A Product of Playboy Enterprises, Inc., Chicago, IL 60611 


“ONE DAY 
MOTHER MADE 
US CHANGE OUR 
SHORTS 
THREE TIMES.” 


—Tim Boyle, President, Columbia Sportswear 


I distinctly remember thinking “Finally, something my 
mother can’t possibly find fault with. A nice, simple pair of 
lightweight shorts. They don't even have a fly, for heaven’s sake.” 

Wrong, First she tore into the waistband. “It needs a dash of 
color-put in a belt,” she barked. Then the inseam. “It’s as obvious 

as the nose on your face. Add 1/4 inch.” Then she had us zip the back 
Mother Gert Boyle, 

Chairman ` pocket. And make the 
shorts bigger and blousier. Use double 
pleats instead of single. She even 
challenged the very fabric of the 
shorts. “We came up with Perfec- 
ta Cloth" to be the most com- 
fortable and durable nylon 
around. Now use it!” 

What can I say? 


My mother's always 
right. Or else. «@ Columbia 


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MANTRACK 


Of this we can be certain: Madonna is the great- 
est artistic force of the AIDS generation. As a sex 
symbol, she is all we have, but she is a lot more 
than that. It doesn't matter that she can't sing very well, that 
she’s an ordinary dancer, that there are many women of more 
refined beauty. She is the triumphant mistress of her medium: 
the sexual imagination. In an age when real sex can lead to 
horror and death, here is Madonna—reckless, bawdy, laugh- 
ing and offering us all the consolation of outrageous illusions. 

Tn almost every version of her public self, Madonna appears 
as a fearless sexual adventurer, sharing sex with strangers, col- 
liding with rough trade, risking pain or humiliation to break 
through to pleasure beyond all conventional frontiers. With 
music, dance and, above all, im- 


GUEST OPINION 
BY PETE HAMILL 


able erogenous zone is the human mind, and the 
libido feeds on images, not ideas. 

Like Michael Jackson, Madonna vaulted to star- 
dom with videos, a form thick with imagery that sometimes tri- 
umphs over the banality of lyrics. Jackson's images were 
charged with rage, Madonna's with frank and open carnality. 
Butas the Eightics went on, as the graves filled with the young 
dead, as AIDS defied a cure, Madonnz's images became more 
obviously infused with a dark comic spirit. It was as if she were 
saying: I know this is a lie and you know thisis a lie, but it's all 
we have. 

"This surrender to illusion is at once daring and sad. Most 
American performers spend their careers trying to convince us 
that their lies are the truth. 


age, she challenges organized 
religion, the middle class that 
spawned her, political hypocri- 
sies and what George Orwell 
called "the smelly little orthodox- 
ies." Follow me, ye weak of heart, 
she says. Up ahead lies the big O! 
Nirvana! Fearless fucking! Just 
roll the dice. 

What saves this performance 
from preposterous narcissism is a 
simple corrective: There's a wink 
in the act. While Madonna pre- 
sents her latest illusion, a hint of 
a smile tells us that we shouldn't 
take any of it too seriously. She 
always hedges her bet with camp, 
elegant caricature and a style ap- 
propriated from the gay under- 
world on the eve of AIDS. 

"That style was part of the exu- 
berant rush that accompanied 
gay liberation, when the doors of 
many closets flew open and out 
came leather and chains and 
whips, every variety of mask, 
anonymous multiple couplings 
and a self-conscious insistence on 
sex as performance. Before she 
became a star, Madonna moved 
through that world in New York. 
"Today she presents it as a glossy nostalgia, tempered with irony 
and served up to everyone from suburban teenagers to aging 
baby boomers. They all seem to love it. 

Without that ironic wink, of course, she would be as square 
as Jesse Helms. But Madonna is hip to something huge: AIDS 
made sexual freedom a ghastly joke. At the point where the 
sexual revolution had triumphed for everyone, the most fero- 
cious sexually transmitted disease of the century arrived, wear- 
ing a death’s-head from some medieval woodcut. Every artist 
was forced to confront it, just as 19th century artists were ham- 
mered into dealing with syphilis. Some artistic responses to 
AIDS were moving and tragic; too many were runny with self- 
pity. But Madonna came roaring into the room in a spirit of 
defiance. She would not go gentle into that good night. 

But she also knew that the only completely safe sex is the sex 
you can imagine—that is, an illusion, If you can’t have some- 
thing you desire with every atom of your flesh and blood, you 
must be content with a gorgeous counterfeit. ‘That insight be- 
came the armature of her work. And she elaborated on it with 
a shrewd understanding of sexual psychology: The most reli- 


32 Pete Hamill is author of “Tokyo Sketches,” a book of short stories. 


SEX IN THE AGE OF ILLUSION 


Madonna is braver than most 
and more original: She says 
openly that her lies are lies. She 
asks you only to admire the form 
of the lies. This was itself a break- 
through for a pop artist. Until 
Madonna, the basic task of any 
performer was to persuade the 
audience to suspend its disbelief. 
Frank Sinatra or Billie Holiday 
wanted us to believe that their 
grieving lyrics and aching tones 
expressed the pain and hurt of 
the performers themselves. A 
millionaire such as Mick Jagger 
wanted us to believe he was a 
working-class hero or a street 
fighting man. But Madonna says 
something else. Don't suspend 
your disbelief, she implies. Dis- 
belief is the basic point. 

I went to the publication party 
for her book, Sex, and, like the 
book, the party was a celebration 
of the counterfeit. Scattered 
around Industria, the city's 
hottest photo studio, were many 
extraliterary diversions: actresses 
dressed as nuns pretending to 
offer blasphemous pleasures; 
peroxide blond androids lan- 
guidly flogging each other with strips of licorice; black dancers 
in chains and leather; writhing gym-toned bodies; many undu- 
lating bellies; much bumping and grinding. Everything, in 
short, except actual fucking. And that, of course, was the point: 
"This wasn't real and the audience knew it wasn't real. 

Madonna's video Erotica was playing continually, shot in the 
grainy black-and-white style of Forties porno films. But it 
wasn't a real porno film. It was fake porno. Ah, у 
ber Paris. The Germans wore gray and you wore nothing. Nos- 
talgia remains the most powerful of all American emotions. 

Sex went on to become the number-one best-seller in the na- 
tion, assisted by the hype but also driven by the genius of 
Madonna. And that might tell us something about America. 

Books have taught us that love is an illusion but sex is real. 
For millions of Americans, that old formulation appears to 
have been reversed. You can experience love, but anything 
more than the illusion of sex is too dangerous. The possibility 
of death is always a marvelous corrective to human behavior. 
But if such an immense change is, in fact, under way, its poster 
girl is Madonna. Sometimes life really does imitate art. 


remem- 


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MEN 


t is the end of a long and busy day, 

but you feel good. You got to the of- 
fice before anybody else, spent another 
day in the professional jungle and sur- 
vived with some grace, came home, fixed 
the leaky faucet, washed dishes and took 
out the garbage. Now it's time for bed. 

You turn on the television set in the 
bedroom, hop under the covers and 
wait. Then you wait some more. Finally, 
you decide that you have waited long 
enough, because Mr. Happy is hungry 
and he could use a midnight snack. 

“Honey,” you call. "Time for bed." 

You hear nothing. 

You know that silence at this strategic 
moment is not a good sign. It usually 
means that there will be no nookie from 
your favorite cookie. 

You get out of bed and shuffle down 
the hall. "Honey?" you call again. 

She is not in the bathroom. She is not 
in the study. She is not in the linen clos- 
et. She is not in the laundry hamper. So 
where is she? 

There she is. In the living room. 
Watching TV. With the lights out. 

"This, too, is not a good sign. 

She is watching one of those daytime 
talk shows that she tapes and reruns late 
at night when she is pissed at you. It's 
called negative reinforcement. 

You know that you will see Oprah or 
Phil or Geraldo or Sally or Jerry or Jen- 
ny or Regis or Kathy or Joan or Faith or 
Sonya on the screen, and that the sub- 
jects they discuss sometimes seem loaded 
against men. 

You sit beside her and try to put your 
arm around her. She moves away from 
you quickly. 

“Honey, what's wrong?" you ask. 

"Don't call me honey,” she says coldly. 
“1 want to watch this.” 

“I thought we” 

“I know what you thought,” she says. 
“Just let me watch this.” 

You know what that means. You are 
about to be told for the 10,000th time 
that men are fuck-ups and women are 
victims. You also know that there will 
be no attention for Mr. Happy. 

The subject on the boob tube this 
evening is called the Chore Wars. It is 
about how useless men are around the 
house. Housewives and career women, 
professors and sociologists and lawyers, 
even the studio audience, lament the 


за worthless American male. 


By ASA BABER 


SEX AND THE 
CHORE WARS 


They use fancy words, but their mes- 
sage is simple. The male is a lazy bum. 
who never does his share of the house- 
work. He ruins relationships through 
slothfulness and lack of concern. 

Clichés dominate the discussion: It is 
claimed that only five to ten percent of 
men do any work at all around the 
house. Domestic labor is still supposedly 
women's work. Guys are described as in- 
credible slobs who never clean a toilet or 
wash a dish. Men, it’s said, don't see dirt. 
Men aren't trained to dean anything. 
Men couldn't fold a sheet if their lives 
depended on it. And it is all supported 
by official-sounding studies and doctoral 
dissertations and government statistics. 

The deadly rhetoric about male inef- 
fectiveness at home pours into your liv- 
ing room like a poisonous gas. 

Your significant other gloats in tri- 
umph while she continues to stew in her 
anger. Once again, the gender gap runs 
like a fault line down the middle of your 
living-room floor. 

At this unsettling moment in time, 
good reader, what can you say to defend 
yourself? As the earthquake rumbles 
and the evening crumbles, is there any 
argument in favor of the poor male in 
his own home? Or are we really as 
thoughtless as the experts portray us? 

You might try making some of the fol- 


lowing observations. I am not saying this 
approach will get you laid. 1 am saying 
that we need antidotes to the poison we 
are all being fed about ourselves: 

Statistics suck. Statistics are no sul 
tute for good judgment. And statistics 
can be easily manipulated to support any 
argument. When you are told, for exam- 
ple, that only five percent of the men in 
America do any significant work around 
the house, remember that most of our 
gender research today is in its infancy. It 
is also often in the hands of propagan- 
dists and intellectual lightweights. Don't 
let the pseudoscientists fool you. Our 
daily lives have not been accurately 
quantified or analyzed. There are lies, 
damned lies and statistics. We are sur- 
rounded by all three. 

Definitions suck. Just listen to the bick- 
ering that goes on about men and wom- 
en and housework. How do we define 
work? How do we define chore? How do 
we define leisure time? You would think 
that domestic life was nothing but a soci- 
ology seminar. So put it like this: If you 
rake leaves and clean gutters and mow 
the lawn and fix the car and order a 
computer for your home, you have done 
some domestic drudgery. You have paid 
some dues. And no Ph.D. or market re- 
searcher can erase that fact. The so-called 
experts will define your life out of exis- 
tence if you let them. Don't let them. 

"Today's most erroneous assumption: 
“I have worked too hard and I am ex- 
hausted. This means that someone else 
in my home has not worked hard 
enough and is taking it easy" As I have 
said many times, we are now a nation of 
workaholics and debtors. We get less 
sleep, less peace and less recovery time 
than any generation in history. So let's 
lighten up and understand that every- 
body has too much to do. 

I need a maid, you need a maid. I 
need a chauffeur and a masseuse and a 
butler and an office manager and a sec- 
retary and a bodyguard and a tax advi- 
sor and a court jester to brighten my day. 
So do you. But if I am living with you, I 
have no right to demand that you be all 
of those things for me. And vice versa. 

Look, we're all fucked. Men and wom- 
en. So let's work together to change 
things. If not for ourselves, then for Mr. 
and Ms. Happy's sake, OK? 


The waking-hours nicotine patch* 
that’s used as part of a comprehensive 
behavioral smoking cessation program 

When you're ready to become a nonsmoker, ask 


doctor about NICOTROL—the waking-hours icd Me patch 
that's used as part of a comprehensive behavioral smok- 


ing cessation program. Available only by prescription, 

NICOTROL is indicated as an aid to smoking cessation for 
the relief of nicotine withdrawal symptoms. But NICOTROL 
Is the only nicotine patch specifically developed to be 


worn during your waking hours and then removed 
bedtime. Plus, only NI 0L الا‎ the additional a aid 
of materials developed by Smoke Sto, HR 

Ask your doctor how NICOTROL can help you achieve 
your goal and more comfortably become a nonsmoker. 
For more information, call: 1-800-227-1616. Please see 
next page for additional important information. 


*NICOTROL was specifically developed to be worn only 
during waking hours and then removed at bedtime. 


From Parke-Davis as part of a comprehersive 
tere seating Cation ppm 


Nicotrot 


= 


di 
condition, you should discuss with 
associated with the use ef this pi 


© 1992 Warrter-Lambert Company 


(NICOTINE TRANSDERMAL SYSTEM) 


Systemic delivery of toma/day over 16 hous 


medi 
risks ef using this product. There may 
is product for more 5 continuous months. 


PD-1123-JAV779:43(122). 


PLAYBOY 


From Parke-Davis as part of a comprehensive 
behiaviorel smoking cessation program 


NICOTROL 
(NICOTINE TRANSDERMAL SYSTEM) 
Systemic deivery of mg/day over 16 hous 


Dosing and administration 


Apply one NICOTROL patch upon awakening and remove at bedtime 


Duration 
Start: NICOTROL™ 15 mg/day 4-12 weeks 
Step-down: 10 mg/day 2-4 weeks 
Step-down: 5 mg/day 2-4 weeks 


*The recommended dosage is 12 weeks (8-2-2). 


For more information, call 1-800-284-8118 


Nicotrot (nicotine transdermal stem) 


Nieotro" (picotine tansdenmal эзеп) 


delivery of 15, 10, or 5 туйгу aver 16 hours. Behore prescribing, please see full prescribing leformation 
A Briel Summary follows. INDICATIONS ANO USAGE hico'ol systems, anced while patients зе awake are indicated as 
агай тюк cessation for the ree di nicotine wihdrawal symptoms Nicolo! therapy & recommended for use as рай а com- 
prehensive behavioral smoking cessation program. The use of Nicdrol systems beyond S martis has not been studied. CONTRA- 
INDICATIONS Use of Nicolial systems s contraindcated in patents wth known hyperseasitiviy or to nicolne or lo any 
component of Nicolra transdermal systems. WARNINGS Nicoline from any source can be toxic and. 
dung cancer hear disease emphysema, and may : afieci the fetus and the pregnant woman. For алу smokes, wth or without 
‘concomitant disease or pregnancy the rs dl meone efmentin a smoking cessation program shoud be weighed against the 
лс ыссы 
Баа ааа ei 
Селије and cabon monxe М№соіле has been shown in anmaistudies to cause fetal harm. R s therekre presumedthal i 
Sytems can casse fetal harm when admnistered toa pregnant woman. The eect of nicotire delivery by Nicolrol systems has not 
been examinedin pregnancy (see PRECAUTIONS) Therelore, pregnant smokers should be encouraged b attempt cessation using 
‘edhcalional ал be^aaora nierentions belare using pharmacological aporazches. И Nica therapy в sad duneg pregnancy, 
‘ori the patient becomes pregrant while using Nicoll systems, the patient should be apprised o! the рага! to the ketus. 
Softy Note Concerning Children The amors of nce ia are oiled by xu smokers an produce pons 
 pasorang and could prove tal Nicolrni гс applied or ingested by children or pets Used 15 molta systems contain about 
АН erg epee be 
‘ou ofthe reacho! chien and pets PRECAUTIONS The patent shouid be urge lo siop smdang compleely when ntiing| 
terapy isee DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION) Paler shoud be normedthal y/contruetn Smoke while usng Nests 
Trey may expenence adversedflects due to peak собу» ves highe than those experienced tram smoking йоге li herek a 
ын EE 
ue are eae e 
г асу 
к ы ote 
252 TRE 
Tele re те Sass oie йш ty nte sey ace rng em anes y 
seen n Ts рае edema was seen in 3Y, and dropouts due lo san 15 were reporiecin 1% Seere san actions. 
wee not obsened in efher d the trials. Patents who exhibit cortad sensiizabon should be cautoned thal a serious rescon could 
‘Occur rom exposure to other nicotine containing products or smoking. Patients should be instructed lo discontinue promptly the 
eee т 
urticaria, hives, or generalized ashes) Skin | е — 


Flared in asmoking cession progam lor bem, Specialy patents tcr ean cease (ery incon 
‘andor агага pecore) serus cardiac, is 0 asospasic diseases (Buse ee | fs variant angina) shouid 
be caeiuly screened and eased belor nicotine reytacemenl & prescribed. осипот assocalion 


smokers should be encouraged In atempl cessation using educational ard behavicralirlenventons before using pharmacological 
prs born ag nts mice ergy sten pe cass пели а cat rg 
ctor camel be eluded Neato syseme shou be used during pregency oriy t e Мейо ol slang cessator sles 
‘the potental rsx of using Nicotra systems by the pregnant Who тиў conlinue lû smoke Teratogeniclty — Anima Sides: 
Nicotne vas shown produce set abromllies n the dfspring ot rice when gren doses os othe (25 ДР o 
Sri esa туа пейт fst азе рее ae apse sey CU E 
за пае Hh premens clesie b hears 
ler acts Anna Sues Acne tos p m lo pepan es née cased adese, E 
hypotension (leal and maternal concentrations were about 20 imes nose achieved al ove ugarelte п 5 minutes) Fetal 
Meng meret veendcsin lel ab du Freres cin А 5 ng nares Еа бис eget boa 
{ati ee 20 seconds kr anus] Um Blood fv vas read ab se ron} omar 
pg srr fea hg dc ae i Forni Cae 
Smoking during pregnancy associated wih an increased risk ol spontaneous aborton, low birth weght infants and perinatal motalty. 
edv calen meronda аа ect rosy medar las о>. Tete cet cay КЫ 
Cardiovascular parameters have been studied near term. Cigarettes increased leal aoric blood fow and heart re and decreased 
uterine blood Пом and tal breathwng movements Nicotol hae not been Iesied п риал! women. Labar and Delivery — 
камка ын ный The elects ol ncoline on a mothe: or theletus during abor. 
Жалаа Nursing Maler Сыл tse vie Nea E SEED INE 
шейн ен ыкта sone Ncaline passes freely into breast milk; the тїк to plesma 
‘ratio averages 29 Мсйте б orally Ал intant has the ability lo cear nicotine by hepatic first pass clearance: however the 
efficiency of removal s probably loves! al bith. Ncoline concentrators in mik can be expected о be lower with Ncolrol sysems. 
‘er celle i Par wh Cree sky asta asa ine CCAS ae pen eed were 
‘replacement. The risk cl exposure o the man to nicotine trom Nicolo! гару shoud be weighed against the rsi associated wath 
‘heinfants exposure to nicotine ОП continued smolang by the mother (passive smole exposure and contamination ol breas! mik 
with olhercompanents of tobacco smoke) and fom Nicotrol ferapy alone or m cambnatron with continued smoking. Pediatric 
‘Use — roto! therapy s nol recommended lor use in chidren because the safely and effectiveness of Nicotrol Derap in chiden 
andadolescents who smoke have nd been evalucied. Geriatric Use — Seventy nine patents over theage 0! 60 paricpatec ın cirical 
‘nals ol Ncotro therapy Nicoll | appeased lo be as efecive in this айе group as in тел. ADVERSE REACTIONS 
sess aie oer hb os secs popped cole nes o E согуу Peace 
лауреа Wa QUU жа a пенса о осии етее 
ay pe: Wes epg arse BNE Pets PE estis arae T case e SN 
No senous adverse events were reported duning the Irais Topical Adverse Events —The most common adverse event assoagled 
‘ipcinaings anardsthedeyfera. pubs ошса egeat тло меса dienen 
AT dl patents on Nicatrol systems n the eficacy tals. Local ета ater system removal was noted al least once 7% of patents. 
Sala erm 3^ Erbena grea ee whe us Rood aes psa Rd eod E 
табл. none had Classical contac! sensfizaton (see PRECAUTIONS, Afere Reactions) In the Cinral bias performed (one Danish 
and one US clinic), fever total patients were used than in tia’ of other nicotine transdermal systems, and fewer adverse reacions. 


peoch i OF insulin 
ко тык сты 
LEGI IA 


rhe bets сир neire cene na sebr0 calor pogran оле lene 


барв since icone causes the release of caléchoamnes, 
hedrg рерк усн sexe, тав, Ncolr елу: 


torsion —Niccine therapy constitutes агау factor for development hypertension patents wihacoderaled hypertension; 
theese Rents beo Sud be eed wt caton tes paberts and onh were bc Оша caine от 
p UT 
Ней) systems dispensat lo the palier. М contansimportantinbrmalion and nstructonson how to use and dispose of Nicolo) 
зэузат propery Pabents should be encouraged to s questions О the phscian and pharmacist. Patients mus! be adsed lo keep. 
Doh usedandunvsedsseter's oul ol the nach ol chidren and pets Drug interactions — Smoking cessalon, wth orwetou nicotine 
о IET 
cope 

emnes ue 
Seat pur ghe m 
= nm 
Адепелус antagonists (eg. prazasin,tabetalot) ‘Decrease п circulating catecrotarunes wih smoking cessation. 


‘May Require an Increase in Dose al 
Cessation of Smoking Possible Mechanism. 
áenergicagosss (eg, iscplerend, pheryiephrine) Decrease orclaeg calecholanines wih smoking cessation 


Eariropeness Mutapenesis, InparmentlFerlty- алге te doe raor abc at 

aris Hover eee В еалт unas neces gees ens ond brad 
"TS ra exec when Qe n anbraten tr Шо atr Ore sut ich d cele ogee al 
‘ans eer reda olcan macase argred sse ete geese eis Nae dace 
ne wee agence Anes Sarna es Note wears perat DN Ga Tape Nan E cole geen Nene 
va sho bbe gro lest sem uso Chesham ry eet газал abs parton canbe deed or 
bled атп a DNA угез anpears be cased by eae Sues hae oun aar e suem as 
teats nth ncn dung esto PREGNANCY- Prete Cay Гуе WARNINGS sector) The humid dcbct 
doctrine mee mora E era ew at atout rea 
"lito rota peanas moray Те speck: des Nec ergy ore оваке aeui Teese peat 


Possible Mechanism 
‘Denducton ol hepaic enzymes on smoking essaton. 


below Тесс snfcance ofthe assocalon between Nicototbealmeni and the oor eet Burke, butte are repre 
гс ering ботап tte he incar. Bodas анов Back arn! par! Doeste system Ата pan? т дата! 
spepsa!falfence! assit omi Меат nous ster: Conorrtoo parent! depressor" 
Deadache" insomma! 9 ferat эзет Coun рыза! eas! Sal улна: se рити pnt 
Sgen бле, n 30 10 9¢ ol pants fepe n Mê lo 36 of patents Сотдал caring m fever han 
fare па sled. DRUG ABUSE AND DEPENDENCE/OVERDOSAGE For frt потта, please se lul prescrbing 


arormalon DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION Patents mst безе o sc Sois and shoud епс bp smotng 
тейин as bey begn usg Neato бру Ging aig hours Theater sui reae paent retclon shee on Na 
ryan beercouaedto aan quens Теле SOC be nts we neca 15 olay sytem Te patents ou 
Conie tte тейлеп ne syster exch day) for 4-12 ees d1 herapy epee shout stop smaking cartes compete бли 
is penod I he pate в гае lo sic cigarete srokung win 4 неве Nicobol they Should be topped, sce ewagdloral 
рель incial tats were able toabstan ater hs Ue. 


Recommended Dosing Schedule. 
Dose Duron 
cohol 15 molar Fist 12 wees 
Neotol 10 mgtlay Ned 2 не 
cords molta Lasl veeks? 
* Panis vto fave sutcessluly abianed tom smoking shouid hae ther dose c ricaine reduced ater each 24 weeks o! 
пеат ur me сого 5 туру dose haste used КГ Z4 weeks. 


"eer course oi rece 
Smet Fas Fol ben sued 
Te Nicom siem side ace road kome pce pouch lo pment kes coe kom estem 
TENEI RENS et beiei aher Epa Ce asthe pot End bart perda Nea ym 
ЖО oe aae oniy occ aa rosary cen O6} Te e etam ote Ra БЕ da alear apen 
opie upan waking andremo al tede Calin брига рери 
Prodan asd Matchs 0. С 
Manutacire by буула repe Sates ы аР атаса Sven Dsirbul by 


PARKE-DAVIS 
Division of Werner Lambert Company. 
Morris Plains, NJ 07950 USA 


and aha wave should е V 20 weeks. The use ol Nenrcineapyteged. 


WOMEN 


I "m thinking about getting myself an 
old guy. An old guy won't be so much 
trouble. He'll lie around on the couch, 
eat, fart, scratch, sleep. Young guys run 
around too much, need too much atten- 
tion and are constantly picking fights. 

Plus, nobody wants old guys. People 
want puppies—cute little bits of fur that 
pee on your bed and eat your sofa. But 
well-mannered old guys, four or five or 
even 12 years old, guys who would nev- 
er lift a leg in the house, guys who find 
shoe chewing boring and passé, are 
passed over. They languish in kennels, 
they are gassed at animal shelters. 

I have a newspaper on my coffee ta- 
ble called Mudtmatchers Messenger—pages 
and pages of pictures of pooches for 
adoption. Most morons who abandon 
their dogs do it when the animals are 
about a year old, vhen they're no longer 
cute little puppies but they're still gnaw- 
ing on table legs because nobody both- 
ered to teach them not to. But in this pa- 
per there is a picture of a ten-year-old 
guy who was abandoned at a market. A 
man drove up to the market, dropped 
off the old dog and drove away. The old 
dog waited for him in front of the mar- 
ket for a week. Some kind woman finally 
rescued him. Now this faithful old guy is 
just waiting in a kennel. I've been look- 
ing at his picture for eight months. 

Too many people are stupid about 
dogs. Too many people want purebreds, 
because purebreds with AKC papers 
supposedly have status. But kennel clubs 
are dog destructive. They hold these 
beauty contests called dog shows. The 
dogs have no job but to look pretty. So ir- 
responsible breeders find one pretty dog 
and breed it over and over to its sisters, 
its daughters. Purebred dogs are now 
tiddled with health problems and are 
incapable of doing the jobs they were 
bred for in the first place. 

And where does your average human 
go for his purebred dog? To the mall, 
where the pet stores sell puppy-mill dogs 
at inflated prices. Puppy-mill dogs are so 
unhealthy that half of them die. Puppy- 
mill owners keep dogs in tiny cages where 
they become deranged and catatonic. 

This morning I couldn't stand it any- 
more and phoned about the old guy. 

"Yes" said the dog-rescue woman, 
“poor old Homer's still here.” 

“Is he doing OK?” 

“Most of our dogs are relatively happy. 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


BELIEVING 
IN DOG 


They'd rather have homes, but they're 
OK. Homer just sits and waits.” 

Oh God, I can't do this. My other dogs 
will kill me. Most of the men I know have 
one dog with whom they bond intensely, 
put red bandannas on and take every- 
where. An us-against-the-world kind of 
thing. Most women I know have two or 
even more dogs with whom they con- 
struct close-knit family units. I have no 
idea what this means. 

But I do know that having a dog 
makes us happier. Dogs and humans are 
symbiotic species. We need cach other. A 
dog is the only animal that has a love of 
humans embedded in its DNA. This has 
been true for thousands of years. 

My dogs protect me from homicidal 
gardeners, from psycho mailmen. They 
really scare the shit out of prowling Je- 
hovah’s Witnesses. They accompany me 
to the bathroom in the middle of the 
night in case something scary is lurking. 

With dogs, you don’t need gurus. 
Dogs are forever in the moment. They 
are always a tidal wave of feelings, and 
every fecling is some variant of love. 
They take us out of our heads and into 
our lives. They remind us of where we 
came from. 

Dogs, the poor slobs, hand over their 
entire lives the way we hand someone a 
tissue. And in turn we kill them. In this 


country, 8 million animals die every year 
atanimal shelters. 

I know I'm a castrating bitch, but, fel- 
lows, you have to cut your dog's balls off. 
Dog and cat overpopulation is at a point 
where we can't let our dogs randomly re- 
produce. Yes, your dog is the cutest, 
smartest dog in the world and you just 
have to have onc of his pups, but I'm 
sorry, you can't. There are just so many 
dog owners to go around, so every time 
you bring a new puppy into the world 
you're sentencing another dog to death. 

I know you're wincing and grabbing 
at your own balls in a frenzy of projec- 
tion, but get over it. I have two neutered 
guys. They are not fat or lazy. They are 
playful guys who don't have to go 
through the frustration of always want- 
ing it and rarely, if ever, getting it. They 
fight less, roam less; they bond better 
and are more protective. Plus, a neu- 
tered dog has a 98 percent reduction in 
cancer and infection and will live an av- 
erage of two years longer than a guy 
with balls. (You also have to spay your fe- 
males. But most men, go figure, have no 
trouble with this concept.) 

I had two neutered guys when I wrote 
that last paragraph. Now I have three 
neutered guys. Homer is right over 
there on the couch. 

He's been in a constant state of amaze- 
ment since I got him. He was, as 
promised, just sitting there in his kennel 
while a bunch of young guys frolicked 
around him. He saw my leash and 
couldn't believe it was for him. He was 
all, “Me? Are you sure? Really? Oh boy!” 
He put his paws around my neck and 
licked my face. In the car he was beside 
himself with wriggles. Then the couch 
situation put him in a state of shock. 

“Are you telling me I'm allowed up 
here? Is this a joke? Can I roll around 
and everything?” 

He is an extremely well-behaved guy. 
Most rescued dogs are. They're so grate- 
ful to have a home. 

Don't buy a dog. Go to the pound. Or 
to a rescue group, which probably runs 
classified ads in your local paper. If 
you're a breed snob, you can find golden 
retrievers, cocker spaniels, anything. 

Or get an old mixed breed like 
Homer, who's now running and yipping 
in his sleep, probably dreaming of run- 
avay mailmcn. 

El 


37 


МАКЕ RESPONSIBILITY PART OF YOUR ENJOYMENT. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


have a problem. My new girlfriend en- 
joys sex but hates to kiss. I've never en- 
countered this before. At first I didn't 
care, but now it really bothers me. Have 
you ever heard ofa woman who doesn’t 
like to kiss?—G. J., Cypress, Florida. 

Look at it this way: The mouth is the first 
organ of intelligence. When we are young, 
we explore our world by mouth to see what 
tastes right. As adults we do the same—only 
instead of searching for food, we look for 
friends. The fact is, kissing is central to inti- 
тасу and often to sexual arousal. If your 
girlfriend dislikes it, we have serious ques- 
tions about her ability to maintain a rela- 
tionship and keep you sexually interested. 
We suggest you ask her if there's any reason 
she dislikes hissing you. Do you have bad 
breath? Do you kiss in a way that puts her 
off? If there's no problem with your breath or 
technique, we'd guess that she has some prob- 
lems with intimacy. Stay with her if you 
want, bul watch out: When you start lo get 
dose, she might end your relationship with 
the big kiss-off. 


How often should I clean the heads of 
my VCR? Should I use a wet or dry 
cleaner?—R. A., Santa Fe, New Mexico. 

In the words of Estragon in Samuel Beck- 
at's “Waiting for Godot”: "Don't let's do 
anything. 105 safer” Theoretically, wet 
cleaners do a better job than dry cleaners, 
but the weave of many cleaning ribbons can 
snag a tape head. Dry cleaners can be abra- 
sive and sometimes just move dirt from one 
section of the tape path to another. Few if any 
cleaners clean all the parts that need it. You 
can reduce the need for cleaning by buying 
brand-name-quality tapes. The tapes that 
might gunk up your VCR are movie rentals, 
which are sometimes recorded on cheap tape. 
This is especially true of kids’ videos. Take 
your VCR to a competent technician at least 
once a year for a professional cleaning. The 
charge is $30 to $40. 


Talk about a Freudian slip: While my 
girlfriend was going down on me, I ас- 
dentally called her by another name. 
She flipped and walked out, and now 
she won't speak to me. What can I 
do?—M. R., Pasadena, California. 

Why do you think the English invented the 
word darling? It’s a good rule to stick to 
nonspecific endearments: honey, lover, god- 
dess. Or just keep your mouth shut. As sex 
therapist Marty Klein says, ‘A closed mouth 
gathers no feet.” 


When 1 went car shopping, a dealer 
tried to sell me a car with an upgraded 
factory-installed sound system. It fea- 


tured brand-name components rather 
than the car company’s house brand. Is 
this a “pack” or is it worth the extra 
bucks?—W. R., Chicago, Illinois. 

If you have to ask how much it costs, you 
obviously can't afford it. Those of us with 
normal hearing would much rather make do 
without the leather seats than without the 
brand-name stereo. The real differences be- 
tween ordinary car stereos and the ones the 
dealer and car company make more profit 
from are the customization and installation. 
Engineers equalize the fancy brand-name 
systems to the interior acoustics of specific 
car models. This requires a lot of measuring 
and computer modeling. Then they fight 
with the mechanical and styling crews to re- 
arrange the door-panel interiors in order to 
place the speakers in exactly the right places 
for the best sound. One company even puts a 
speaker in the rearview mirror. Stereos in- 
stalled after you buy a car may be higher in 
absolute quality, but they can't. match the 
prerogatives of the car company in place- 
ment and equalization. So unless a boom 
box satisfies you at home, a factory-installed 
brand-name system is money well spent. 


After years of suffering from prema- 
ture ejaculation, I finally have learned 
control. Now I can last all night. I'm 
thrilled but, incredibly, my wife isn't. She 
used to complain about my coming too 
soon. Now she complains that I last too 
long. Whats wrong with her?—P Р, 
Boulder, Colorado. 

She's sore. Every man we know who learns 
ejaculatory contral likes to show his new skill 
by going at it all night. That's fine, so long as 
it doesn’t exclude the woman in your life. 


ILLUSTRATION EY PATER SATO 


Whenever you change your sexual script, 
check with your partner. When the old in- 
and-out goes on for hours, it can become un- 
comfortable for the woman. If you don't al- 
ready use a sexual lubricant, try one. Many 
women don’t come during intercourse no 
matter how long it lasts. Caress her clitoris 
with your hand, tongue or penis. When she 
feels fulfilled, she'll probably become more 
kindly disposed to the new long-lasting you. 


‘When you have a tailor hem a pair of 
pants, why does he return the excess 
material in a pants pocket? Growing up 
in the Seventies, I recall Mom patching 
the knees of my Toughskins, but surely 
thi: not the intent. —D. T, St. Louis, 
Missouri. 

The tailor returns the extra fabric in case 
you need it for a repair. If you burn a hole in 
your pants, a good tailor can weave the extra 
material into an invisible patch. Also, when 
you are shopping for coordinating shirts and 
ties you can carry this material with you. 
That’s a lot easier than carrying a closetful 


of pants, 


М, ex used the rhythm method, 
which is how we had our kid. Now my 
new girlfriend says she uses some “im- 
proved” rhythm method and insists she 
сапы get pregnant for a week each 
month. Right. I’ve kept on buying con- 
doms so I don't wind up buying cigars. 
But now she's annoyed, saying I don't 
trust her. What is she doing?—R. T., 
Athens, Ohio. 

It's called fertility awareness, and it is, in- 
deed, an improved form of rhythm. But it 
тау not be improved enough to suit you. Fer- 
tility awareness is typically about 80 percent 
effective, according to “Contraceptive Tech- 
nology,” the last word on birth control. Those 
who use it carefully often enjoy an effective- 
ness rate of more than 90 percent, about the 
same as using condoms. Based on the viabil- 
ity of sperm and egg cells, conception can 
take place from about seven days before a 
woman cvulates until about three days after- 
ward. Fertility awareness allows women to 
predict ovulation more scientifically than by 
traditional calendar rhythm. Traditional 
rhythm assumes that women have clockwork 
menstrual cycles and ovulate at the same 
point during each опе. But many women 
don't, which is why rhythm is unreliable. Fer- 
tility awareness uses more reliable indicators 
of ovulation, namely, basal body temperature 
and cervical mucus texture. Basal tempera- 
ture is body temperature at waking. Using a 
special thermometer that has an expanded 
scale in the normal temperature range, a 
woman can notice the half-degree increase 


in basal temperature at ovulation each cycle. 
Meanwhile, the cervix secretes mucus, which 
changes predictably during the menstrual су- 
cle. It’s slippery, wet and stretchy around 
ovulation but scant, thick and dry during 
safe times. A woman checks her cervical mu- 
cus by slipping a finger inside her vagina or 
by checking outside the vagina. By charting 
basal body temperature and cervical mucus 
for about six months, a woman can learn her 
ovulation pattern and predict ovulation with 
reasonable accuracy. Once she knows when 
she ovulates, she can calculate the week or so 
cach month when she’s safe. The downside of 
fertility awareness? It's not as effective as 
other methods and it’s complicated to learn. 
Most women have to take a class offered 
through family-planning clinics. Couples we 
know who use this method say it also has an 
upside: They look forward to their safe time 
each month and celebrate it enthusiastically 
in a prone position. 


PLAYBOY 


Pease seule an argument. I say that af- 
ter extracting the cork from a wine bot- 
tle, the cork is screwed off the corkscrew. 
My girlfriend insists the corkscrew is 
screwed out of the cork. Who's right?— 
L. G., Wailuku, Hawaii 

This constitutes a major disagreement? A 
spokesman for the Professional Bartending 
School recommends turning the cork and 
corkscrew simultaneously. And they сай 
Clinton the great compromiser 


M, nd is obsessed with her 
xen She looks great the way she is 
and I tell her so repeatedly. The prob- 
lem is that she's become so obsessed that 
it's affecting our sex life. She doesn't 
want to make love to me because she 
really believes she’s fat and unattractive. 
I've heard that having sex is actually a 
good way to lose weight. Is this true and 
could the information possibly lure her 
back to bed?—P. T., Austin, Texas. 

Good thing you checked with us before you 
went at her with this one. Sex is fun, it’s not 
а way to lose weight. A couple of communi- 
cation experts say that when a woman offers 
a complaint like this, the last thing she wants 
is the obvious solution. What she is looking 
for is empathy. Be appreciative of her plight: 
“Hey, hon, a pound or two, maybe, but a 
candidate for liposuction, no way.” Show 
her how sexually attractive you think she is. 
Call her at work and proposition her. Send 
her flowers. Run her a fragrant bubble bath. 
Have respect for her diet. Be nice to her cat. 
In short, be patient and kind. If that doesn’t 
work, buy her a membership to a gym. 


Because of battle scars from my last 
relationship, I haven't had a girlfriend in 
nearly a year, and I’m starting to worry. 
I don't even have that much interest in 
49 sex. Maybe Sinéad O'Connor is right: "I 


do not want what I haven't got." But I've 
heard that it's unhealthy to go without 
sex for more than a year. Should I be out 
there looking for a partner?—E D., New 
York, New York. 

Only if you really want one. Why foist the 
fear that you need to get laid to avoid an 
early death on some unsuspecting female? 
Relax. Physicians have found that feast-or- 
famine patterns of sexual behavior can in- 
crease the likelihood of prostate problems. 
Your doctor may recommend regular ejacu- 
lation for a healthy prostate, but masturba- 
tion will do for that purpose. Don't worry. 
When you are ready to go for it again, 
you'll know. 


ДА асе friend who lives in another 
state recently asked me to be in his wed- 
ding party. Since he is a buddy, 1 was 
happy to accept. However, I didn't real- 
ize that I'd be expected to chip in for 
various gifts and bachelor-party festivi- 
ties. Then there’s the plane ticket, tuxe- 
do rental, hotel room and time lost from 
my job. Rather than being a joyous occa- 
sion, the whole thing is turning into a 
pain in the butt. What is expected of 
ushers in a wedding party nowadays? If 
T shell out for the plane ticket, do 1 still 
have to buy a wedding gif?—E. R., 
Boston, Massachusetts. 

Suck it up, dude. You accepted, you're 
committed. We understand your dilemma. 
We've known guys who had to declare bank- 
rupley after everyone in their fraternity 
chose to get married їп the same summer. You 
are expected to pay for your own tuxedo 
rental and plane ticket. Perhaps you can stay 
with someone in the wedding party instead of 
renting a hotel room. You are also expected to 
chip in Jor the bachelor party. And as far as 
gifts go, a plane ticket should not be substi- 
tuted for a wedding present. Look at the 
bright side: The groom will buy you а nice 
gift for being his usher: 


Wry do we breathe heavily during 
sex? It’s not like мете running a 
marathon. And even the passive partner 
usually gulps for air.—T. S., Tarrytown, 
New York. 

As part of sexual arousal, the blood vessels 
inthe nose expand, which somewhat restricts 
airflow through the nasal passages. That’s 
why people breathe heavily through their 
mouths during sex, particularly as they ap- 
proach orgasm. After orgasm, nasal blood 
vessels return to normal, restoring airflow 
through the nose. 


Fm a golf nut, but my girlfriend loves 
aerobics. Can you suggest some compro- 
mise vacation spots?—L. S., Cincinnati, 
О 


Why not invite her to caddy? Not what she 
had in mind? Oh, well. If you can splurge, 


Hawaii is a natural for sun-starved roman- 
tics. The islands feature some of the world's 
best golf resorts. Check out Mauna Lani Bay 
Hotel on the Big Island, or Stouffer Wailea 
Beach Resort on Maui. Both are luxurious 
beachfront properties offering every imagin- 
able sport, plus fitness equipment and aero- 
bics. If you prefer a mountain retreat, visit 
the Avandaro Golf & Spa Resort in Mexico's 
Sierra Madres, 80 miles west of Mexico City. 
Activities run the gamut from tennis to 
swimming to golf on a championship course. 
Your girlfriend can aerobicize in а fully 
equipped gym, treat herself to a massage, 
then commune with the monarch butterflies 
that migrate to nearby groves. Closer to 
home, the Boca Raton Resort and Club rates 
among America’s top golf resorts. Three 
workout facilities offer acrobics and cardio- 
vascular and weight-training equipment. 
But are you sure you want to try a combined 
vacation? If your golf game is off, you end up 
frustrated and she ends up tan and fit. 


Mr гоо involved in a serious accident in 
my lease car, what would happen with 
my insurance? Would the insurance 
company pay to replace the car?—K. C., 
Chicago, Illinois. 

That depends on how you are insured. In 
order to be covered completely, you may need 
gap insurance. The gap is the extra rider 
necessary to compensate for the difference be- 
tween the lease car's value and the total val- 
ue of the lease payments. Lease car company 
insurance often insures you only for the lease 
payments, not for the full value of the car. 
But while you lease the саз; even if you never 
pay its full value amount, you'll want to in- 
sure for full value. Because if you do have an 
accident and the car is totaled, you are re- 
quired to reimburse the leasing company for 
the balance. Here's why: On a closed-end 
lease, if the lease ends with no damage to the 
car, you simply return it to the lessor. But if 
you have an unrepaired total wreck or even 
а damaged car, you'd then have to pay the 
balance. Gap insurance allows you to reim- 
burse the lessor for the full, agreed value of 
the lease car, no matter what happens. Your 
insurance agent can help you be certain that 
you're adequately covered. Another tip: You 
may find that insuring the lease car yourself 
is a much cheaper alternative than using the 
dealer's program. Be sure to compare. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing problems, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all 
letters to The Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. The most provocative, pertinent 
queries will be presented on these pages 
each month. 

E 


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Reporter's Notebook 


STARS ARE PEOPLE, TOO 


in beverly hills, causes come with the territory, 
but barbra is absolutely serious 


It was a different Barbra Streisand. 
Dressed in sweats, no makeup, hair 
pulled back and reading glasses perched 
on her distinctive nose, she seemed 
more like the rabbinic student in Yentl 
than the star about to sign a $60 million 
contract with Sony. 

Her morning exercises finished, she 
was curled on a couch furiously writing 
notes in the margins of two piles of doc- 
uments stacked three feet high around 
her. She seemed immersed, like a shtetl 
scholar studying the Talmud, except 
that the phone kept ringing. There were 
phone calls from lyricist Marilyn Berg- 
man and playwright Larry Kramer, and 
Bob Hattoy, the man with the AIDS 
who delivered the immensely moving 
address at the Democratic National Con- 
vention. He was one of dozens of inter- 
views Streisand would add to her docu- 
ment piles, 

Streisand was preparing acceptance 
speeches for awards from AIDS Project 
L.A. and the ACLU of Southern Califor- 
nia, two beleaguered causes that needed 
her as their top attraction. (Thanks to 
Streisand, both organizations would 
raise the largest sums in their respective 
histories; the money to fight AIDS to- 
taled almost $4 mi ) 

“I'm a perfectio she said by way 
of explaining her obsessive work habits, 
noting that it took her three years to get 
the Yell script right. “I'm а hairsplit- 
ter—I like to take ideas apart. It’s be- 
cause of my first three years in school, 
starting when I was five at a yeshiva in 
Brooklyn, where I spent half the day in 
Hebrew studies. And besides, my father 
was a professor of English.” 

This was not the scene I had anticipat- 
ed when she had called and said invit- 
ingly, “Come have lunch with me.” 

Damn, it was going to be issues again. 
I should have been forewarned, since 
my last sustained contact with her was in 
1982, after І published a book on 
Ronald Reagan and nuclear war. She 
was alarmed, and then wanted to know 
more. After she had picked my brain 
dean, she went on to exhaust Marvin 
Goldberger, the nuclear physicist who 
had worked on the Manhattan Project 
and was then the president of Cal Tech. 
“She was one of the most eager students 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


I've ever encountered,” Goldberger told 
me recently, as he recalled Streisand's 
voyage through the arcane world of 
throw-weights and megatonnage. 

This time, a copy of a Colorado anti- 
gay amendment was thrust into my 
hands along with a plate of pasta pri- 
mavera. “Have you read that? It’s in- 
credible. If they passed something like 
that against Jews or blacks, would people 
still vacation there?” 

‘Two weeks later, her speech before 
AIDS Project L.A. made news around 
the world when she endorsed a boycott 
of Colorado in response to the passage 
of an amendment that, among other 
things, bans homosexuals from suing in 
discrimination cases. Talk of the boycott 
made some Hollywood types who have 
homes in Aspen, Telluride and there- 
abouts quite upset. A few were quoted аз 
critical of Streisand. 

Although The New York Times ran a lead 
editorial endorsing her “vocal support” 
of a boycott, saying it “would send a po- 
tent warning to other states that may 
soon consider similar measures,” its Hol- 
lywood beat reporter, Bernard Wein- 
raub, sniped: “Why is the ACLU honor- 
ing a movie star?” Most people assume 
that actors are by definition superficial. 
That may have been true of Reagan, 
though this went largely unnoticed until 
it was too late, but it is definitely not 
the case with Streisand. As Ramona Rip- 
ston, executive director of the ACLU 
of Southern California, pointed out, 
Streisand's active support of civil liber- 
ties began two decades ago when she 
raised much of the funds for the defense 
of Daniel Ellsberg in the Pentagon pa- 
pers case. That activity, while unmen- 
tioned by Weinraub, had nonetheless 
earned Streisand a place on the infa- 
mous Nixon enemies list. Ripston added 
that there has hardly been a progressive 
cause that Streisand has not assisted with 
both money and appearances. 

“I am here because the protection of 
free expression is basic to what I do asa 
performer and as a filmmaker" said 
Streisand in her speech to the ACLU. 
“We artists are not strangers to the at- 
tacks of the would-be censors attempting: 
to ban a photo exhibit, movie, book or 


piece of music they find offensive.” 

And then she took a swipe at her col- 
leagues who regard the ACLU as too 
controversial to support: “The enter- 
tainment industry requires the mainte- 
nance of a free marketplace of ideas for 
its very existence. Yet, often when we 
talk about the marketplace of ideas, we 
think mostly of the market and too little 
of the ideas.” 

Streisand is terrified of singing in pub- 
lic and has not done so for decades ex- 
cept in support of a political or charita- 
ble cause she believes in. Yet because she 
isofthe entertainment world, there is of- 
ten the innuendo in media coverage 
questioning the seriousness of purpose 
of any star who steps forward. The me- 
dia reporters who cover Hollywood tend 
to have a depraved relationship with the 
show business community. They are of- 
ten deeply envious of the stars’ money 
and recognition, yet they depend on ac- 
cess to them to earn a g- 

In fact, the motives of entertainers 
should be far less suspect than those of 
others who shift their money and pres- 
tige to the political arena. This is the 
only interest group that jeoparé i 
market by taking controversial stands 
and that has little to gain from rubbing. 
shoulders with the powerful. 

An industrialist or attorney who sup- 
ports a candidate can expect some tangi: 
ble award of a contract or a judgeship. 
What could Michael Dukakis or Bill 
Clinton do for Streisand? Rest assured 
that she would have been invited to sing 
at the inauguration cven if she hadn't 
raised funds for Clinton. What Clinton 
can do for Streisand is make good on his. 
pledge to get serious about AIDS. As she 
told the APLA audience: 

“Many of us in this community 
worked long and hard to get this presi- 
dent and many members of Congress 
elected. We didn’t do so to be invited to 
dinners at the White House. 

“We supported these candidates be- 
cause they promised us profound 
change. And we want them to know we 
will be listening, watching and waiting." 

How much more serious can you get? 


43 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


In Vermont the room where I work 
is not far from the site of an old 
saloon—the historical-society types 
would call it a tavern—where Ethan 
Allen and his Green Mountain Boys 
liked to pause for refreshment. Whip- 
ping up on the Tories was thirsty 
work. Righteous work, too. These 
men were among the first skirmishers 
in what would become the American 
Revolution. 

‘There was a doctor who once gave 

Ethan tight jaws over something. In 
retribution, Allen and 
some ofthe boys tied tte Ø 
doctor into a chair and 
raised him up a signpost 
outside one of their fa- 
vorite . . . ah, lounges. 
They went inside for a 
beverage and lefi the 
doctor dangling there 
for two hours 

He was a great man, 
Ethan. Half crackpot— 
his writings have to be 
read to be believed— 
and half scoundrel, he 
was an American origi- 
nal and hero every bit as 
much as Thomas Jeffer- 
son or John Adams. One 
of the more rernarkable 
things about him is that 
nobody knows for cer- 
tain what he looked like. 
Obviously, he lived long 
before cameras, and no 
artist ever painted his 
portrait during his life- 
time. The world never 
owned Ethan Allen—not even his 
likeness. He belonged to himself. 

I like living in the hills where Ethan 
once lived. These woods aren't too far 
from Walden Pond, where Thoreau 
turned his back on the world, or too 
far from where Melville wrote Moby 
Dick. And these hills are close by 
where Robert Frost wrote his poems. 
New England is a place where people 
do good work in solitude. One of the 
first things a colonist did in the New 
World when he attained a measure of 
prosperity was add a room to his 


an anthem to privacy 
By Geoffrey Norman 


house—a room where he could be 
alone, where he could think or write 
or pray in private. 

"They had it right, those New Eng- 
landers. In solitude you come closest. 
to what is true and eternal. As Ralph 
Waldo Emerson wrote, "You will al- 
ways find those who think they know 
what is your duty better than you 
know it. It is easy in the world to live 
after the world’s opinion; it is easy in 
solitude to live after our own; but the 


a a a ine eB 
great man is he who in the midst of 
the crowd keeps with perfect sweet- 
ness the independence of solitude.” 
This might serve as a suitable 
definition of privacy: solitude in the 
midst of a crowd. Privacy isn't a mat- 
ter of secrecy, it is a question of free- 
dom. Affirming this core concept of 
privacy in 1928 was Supreme Court 
Justice Louis Brandeis’ dissenting 
opinion in the wiretapping case 
Olmstead vs. United States. “The mak- 
ers of our Constitution,” wrote Bran- 


XE! 
Wi 


deis, “recognized the significance of 
man's spiritual nature, of his feelings 
and of his intellect. . . . They con- 
ferred, as against the government, 
the right to be let alone—the most 
comprehensive of rights and the right 
mast valued by civilized men.” 

It would be nice to think that we all 
agree with Justice Brandeis, but the 
American soul is divided. The earliest 
assaults on the privacy of Americans 
in the name of something more 
important also took place in New 

England. Remember, Sa- 
lem, Massachusetts is 
where the village elders 
hanged women who had 
balked at the prescribed 
religion. 

The perennial Ameri- 
can excuse for invading 
the privacy of others is 
not spiritual, though. It 
is sexual. The Puritans 
would not tolerate cer- 
tain kinds of sexuality. 
Nathaniel Hawthorne 
was another author who 
worked in these hills, and 
his most enduring char- 
acter is Hester Prynne of 
The Scarlet Letter. She was 
stigmatized as an adulter- 
ess by the moral gate- 
keepers of her town. 

Nearly all the privacy 
cases heard by the 
Supreme Court have 

§ hinged on sexuality. You 

Ё cannot enforce sexual 

taboos and also respect 

privacy. Just to know ifa citizen is vio- 

lating a law—regarding sodomy, 

birth control or any act that has at 

one time been declared illegal in 

America—requires a complete viola- 

tion of privacy. Ronald Reagan's 

Supreme Court justice nominee, 

Robert Bork, was intellectually hon- 

est enough to concede this, and he 
came down against privacy. 

If it is permissible to snoop into 
someone's bedroom, then, by com- 
parison, checking his mailbox or tap- 
ping his phone seems tame. If you 


45 


cannot expect privacy with your lover, 
why should you expect it in your ac- 
countant's office? And the right to pri- 
vacy is obviously not going to stop an 
FBI agent from finding out who you 
talk to on the phone, or a direct mar- 
keter from knowing how much money 


you make, 
. 


During the recent presidential cam- 
paign, Hillary Clinton refused to re- 
spond to questions about her hus- 
band's alleged infidelity, claiming that 
candidates are entitled to a “zone of 
privacy” upon which the media should 
not intrude. Unfortunately, she assert- 
ed this on a special edition of 60 Min- 
utes that was broadcast on Super Bowl 


More complaints about rights 
violations in the workplace are 
received by the American Civil 
Liberties Union than any other 
kind. In the majority of these cas- 
es, the ACLU can do nothing. 

When Americans report for 
work, most leave their constitu- 
tional rights behind. In the world 
of work, they have no freedom of 
speech, no right to privacy, no 
right to fair treatment and no legal 
protection when their rights are 
denied, Thousands of companies 
listen in on employee telephone 
calls, install hidden video cameras 
and hire undercover agents to 
masquerade as employees and re- 
port back to management. Most 
important of all, perhaps, Ameri- 
can employees have no right to be 
free from arbitrary punishment. 
Many workers still labor under the 
19th century employment-at-will 
doctrine and can be suspended or 
fired at any time for any reason, or 
for no reason at all. They do not 
even have the right to know why 
they are fired. 

Americans believe that the Con- 
stitution protects their rights as cit- 
izens—which it does, but only 
against violations by the govern- 
ment. The Constitution does not 
apply to the relationship between 
private organizations, such as cor- 


Sunday. The choice of venue went a 
long way toward validating the media's 
curiosity. Later in the campaign, she 
even spoke on the record about George 
Bush's alleged infidelity, noting his 
Jennifer problem. 

For a lot of people, privacy is merely 
a flag of convenience. Good for me but 
not for all those other people who 
are hiding awful things. Some who ar- 
gue that people who are HIV-positive 
are entitled to special privacy endorse 
the USA Today story exposing that 
Arthur Ashe is infected, сусп though 
he did not want that fact made public. 
Some of the same gay-rights activists 
who insist that sexual preference is no- 
body's business endorse the outing of 
homosexuals who would rather stay in 


PRIVACY IN THE WORKPLACE 


By Lewis Maltby 


porations, and their employees. 
Legally, a business can do virtually 
anything it wants to its hirelings. 

The vast majority of people 
working in the private sector have 
only those rights that Congress 
or their state legislatures explicitly 
create. These legislative bodies 
have done a fair job of protecting 
people from discrimination be- 
cause of race, sex (in some in- 
stances, sexual orientation), age, 
disability and other factors unrela- 
ted to job performance. Such anti- 
discrimination laws, however, do 
not require employers to live up to. 
any objective standard of fairness: 
A business is free to treat its em- 
ployees poorly so long as it treats 
everyone with equal disrespect. 

The United States has set a stan- 
dard that is a model for the world 
for protecting human rights from 
government abuse. Yet Americans 
have made no attempt to protect 
those same rights from abuse by 
employers. If human rights are be- 
ing violated, does it really matter 
whether the culprit is the Attorney 
General or General Motors? The 
collective failure to protect the in- 
dividual's rights at work is as illog- 
ical as it is tragic. 

The ACLU is calling for a bill of 
rights for all working people. 
American workers deserve a docu- 


the closet. Opponents of Bork's ap- 
pointment to the Supreme Court were 
distressed by his claim that there are no 
guarantees to privacy in the Constitu- 
tion. But then one journalist searched 
the records of the video stores where 
Bork did business and wrote a tonguc- 
in-check psychological profile based on 
Bork's taste in films. (Actually, Bork 
rented John Wayne movies.) 


"Those who invade the privacy of oth- 
ers can almost always make a good ar- 
gument for what they do: The people 
have a right to know and to be protect- 
ed. “The people” is an aggregate that 
somehow claims a higher virtue than 


ment to protect those rights that 
brought the nation together more 
than 200 years ago. The failure to 
protect people's rights аг work 
makes us all less free and makes 
the nation poorer: People work 
harder and smarter in an atmo- 
sphere of trust and dignity Our 
competitors in trade, including the 
Germans and the Japanese, have 
for years had laws that require 
companies to treat their employees 
fairly. Only the United States and 
South Africa cling to a legal system 
that treats employees only slightly 
better than plantation hands. 
While the causes of America's de- 
clining competitiveness are many, 
one key reason is our antiquated 
employment laws. 

When the founding fathers cre- 
ated the Constitution and the Bill 
of Rights, their scope was limited. 
Women had no legal rights. Nei- 
ther did people of color Even 
white males had to own property 
to have full legal rights. Over the 
years, the American vision of liber- 
ty has expanded to include many 
who were originally forgotten. It is 
time to expand our vision again 
and to protect the rights of all 
Americans at work. 


_ Lewis Maltby is director of the Amer- 
ican Civil Liberties Union's Workplace 
Rights Task Force. 


personal privacy. Collectively, we think 
like those infuriating USA Teday-style 
headlines: wE WANT STERNER MEASURES 
TO PROTECT PRIVACY. And, of course, the 
story below the headline is typically ac- 
companied by bar graphs and statistics 
from the latest poll examining what we 
want. Reading one of those stories 
leaves me feeling like a member of 
some herd. Cattle and wildebeests have 
no privacy. Better to be a solitary lion 
or lone wolf. When you give up your 
privacy in the name of a higher good, 
you don't merely reduce your dignity, 
you make yourself vulnerable. 

As I work on this essay, I look across 
my desk at a letter I received from a 
major New York publishing house 
whose books I occasionally review. Be- 
cause Fm on their mailing list, I re- 
ceived a letter informing 
me that government regu- 
lations require the compa- 
ny to ask those it does busi- 
ness with if their businesses 
are woman-owned, minori- 
ty-owned or a disadvan- 
taged business concern. 1 
told them the same thing 1 
told the man from the cen- 
sus who came around and 
sat in my kitchen with his 
dipboard and wanted to 
know the ethnic makeup of 
my family: *None of your 
business." 

Why not tell them? First, 
because it is the govern- 
ment, and they may get it 
wrong. If someone strokes 
the wrong computer key, 
that mistake will remain on 
the record approximately 
forever. Second, because 
the government does not 
use information benignly. 
During World War Two, 
vithout benefit of comput- 
ers, the government rounded up mem- 
bers of one distinct minority of Ameri- 
can citizens, the nisei, and threw them. 
into concentration camps. This is only 
an example of a legal governmental ac- 
tion. Never mind the kind of illegal 
snooping committed by J. Edgar 
Hoover's minions at the FBI. Hoover 
kept hundreds of files on average and 
prominent Americans, detailing their 
sex lives. And one CIA anecdote tells of 
files on a foreign correspondent that 
were detailed enough to note that the 
journalist and Picasso once attended 
the same bullfight. 

Bill Clinton's national health-care 
agenda would require more record- 
keeping and more scrutiny. During the 


campaign, however, Clinton refused to 
release his own medical records, and 
good for him. But his staff will be able 
to look at our records in the name of 
some collective good, such as holding 
down fraud. 

We'll put up with it. Now and then 
somebody will kick up a fuss—about 
the search of Clinton's passport files, 
for instance—but the trend is always 
the same. Toward less privacy. Why? 

Privacy is not measured in degrees— 
you either have it or you don't. The 
history of privacy in America is one of 
confusion. Having surrendered so of- 
ten on sexual matters, Americans find 
it easy to give ground in other areas. 

Obviously, we are numbed to the in- 
trusions. Shopping requires a credit 


card, and a credit card requires a cred- 
it check. The government needs mon- 
ey, which means taxes, which means 
that the IRS is looking over our 
records. Businesses—especially the di- 
rect-marketing sorts—want to know 
more about us. As Oscar Wilde wrote, 
“Private information is practically the 
source of every large modern fortune.” 

Increasingly large parts of our lives 
are conducted electronically, and the 
trail is there for anyone interested in 
following the scent. Some people make 
a living that way. 

Not many people have much prac- 
tice at living and acting alone. It almost 
scares them. So they walk into an emp- 


ty room and turn on the television and 
watch some shameless exhibitionist talk 
to Oprah about his sex life. Or they 
pick up a phone. To lots of people, hell 
is a room with no phone and no televi- 
sion. Noise doesn't bother them; si- 
lence is terrifying. They don't respect 
their neighbors' privacy because they 
don't value their own enough. 

Robert Frost understood that good 
fences make good neighbors. The 
mythic American has always been what 
people like to call a loner, like the John 
‘Wayne characters the Borks enjoy 
watching in the privacy of their home. 
Or Natty Bumppo, the hero of James 
Fenimore Cooper's Leatherstocking 
Tales. Natty would not be owned. He 
was at home in the wilderness. Harm- 
less if you left him alone, Bumppo was 
lethal if you did not. 

His territory is not far 
from where I live. and I 
have walked some of the 
same hills trying to imagine 
the sense of nearly abso- 
lute liberation—the privacy 
that the philosopher Mon- 
taigne described as "our 
real liberty and our princi- 
pal retreat.” To surrender 
that for mere comfort 
seems like a bad trade. Yet 
we make such trades every 
day when we give up an- 
other portion of our priva- 
cy to some higher good. 

Five years ago, I spent 
a week following Natty 
Bumppo's tracks. I was in 
the woods, and, other than 
my hunting companions, I 
did not see another human 
during that time. Once, 
when I climbed to the top 
of a high ridge and stood 
looking out over a valley 
pocked by sparkling beaver 
ponds, I was suddenly aware of the 
silence. No traffic sounds, no television 
sounds. Nothing but the steady moan 
of the wind and the distant honking of 
a flight of high, traveling Canada 
geese. I found out later that the stock 
market was crashing. But just then, 
nothing could touch me. I was Natty 
and Ethan, and nobody owned me. 

T returned to my “real” life with new 
resolve. The next time somebody 
comes around my house with a clip- 
board and a questionnaire even if 
he's ап IRS agent—I will tie him into a 
chair and hoist him up a signpost. My 
flag will be the one with the coiled rat- 
tlesnake and the fundamental Ameri- 
can war cry: "Don't tread on me.” 


47 


48 


YOUR MOTHER'S 
COMBAT BOOTS 

Women in combat? Absolute- 
ly not. Women are not qualified 
for combat. In combat, the abil- 
ity to provide protection for 
women is limited. Imagine the 
atrocities if there had been 
women combat soldiers during 
the Bataan death march or in 
Patton's drive into the Rhine- 
land. Nor can combat condi- 
tions tolerate the possibility of 
sexual harassment. Women 
should certainly have equal op- 
portunity for all jobs in the mil- 
itary—except combat. Combat 
training for women is a waste 
that our country, $4.2 trillion in 

debt, cannot afford. 

George E. Irish 
Melbourne Beach, Florida 


Your response to the com- 
ment by Brian K. Sellnow con- 
cerning homosexuals in the 
military (“Phobias,” Reader Re- 
sponse, The Playboy Forum, De- 


tary publications. These two, as 
well as Navy Times, are from 
Army Times Publishing, a civil- 
ian firm that targets specific 
groups just as a golfing or 
fishing magazine targets its au- [577 
dience. An editorial in any of 
these papers is no more a state- 
ment of official policy than one 
in Newsweek. Army Times Pub- 
lishing should leave this one to. 
the experts. 


Darrel C. Scott. 
USAF (Ret.) 


Bastrop, Texas 


PORN IN THE AFTERNOON 

Since the The Playboy Forum champi- 
ons the rights of citizens to read, view 
and listen to what they will, here's my 
two cents in the debate about pornog- 
raphy. In 1979 there was a story line 
on General Hospital, the popular soap 
opera, in which Laura (the victim and 
heroine) is raped by Luke (the brute 
and hero). Did Laura rally the feminist 
front to her aid? No. Did she file a com- 
plaint against Luke? No, she married 
him. Women fantasized about it. No 
one called it degrading and obscene. 
Where were feminists during that po- 
litically incorrect contretemps? Soaps 


love and 
[share] or higher." 


FOR THE RECORD 


EYEOR- THE A 
SEAT RN Neen FOV АА 


Word from the advertising industry is that 
clients are adjusting their conservative attitudes 
when it comes to buying time on shows with 
controversial subjects. As media buyer Paul 
Schulman puts it: “Sex and violence become 
adventure if a show has a 25 


are full of lust, infidelity, promiscuity, 
illegitimacy, nudity and sexism—the 
same stuf women gripe about in 
pornography—yet no one’s calling for 
а ban on daytime TV. I'll give up my 
right to watch Russ Meyer’s movies 
when a woman gives up her right to 
watch General Hospital. 

Willie Holmes 

Chicago, Illinois 


THE RIGHT TO KNOW 
In recent years, discussions about re- 
vealing an HIV-positive status have fo- 
cused on infected health-care workers 


and the right of their patients 
to know, But a recent case 
points the finger of responsibil- 
ity at the patient. A Los Angeles 
surgical technician filed suit 
against a patient who revealed 
her HIV status only after the 
technician nicked herself with a 
scalpel used to remove the pa- 
tient's sutures. The technician, 
who so far has tested negative 
for the virus, has accused the 
patient of fraud and is suing 
for emotional distress, medical 
treatment and psychological 
care. Maybe now that health 
workers arc in jeopardy, there 
will be a stronger lobby for 
definitive laws on infection 
and disclosure. People's lives 
should not be endangered be- 
cause of a careless few. 
Jill Robinson 
San Francisco, California 
Potential risk is not а justifiable 
reason for privacy violation. In an 
article in “The Wall Street Jour- 
nal,” Nancy Dickey of the Ameri- 
can Medical Association called 
mandatory testing a false measure 
of security given the window of time 
in which an infected person could 
still test negative. Universal pre- 
cautions (proceeding as if every pa- 
tient is potentially infected) are the 
only way to ensure personal safety 
and privacy. 


THE FEMINIST FRONT 

Catharine MacKinnon, An- 
drea Dworkin, Pat Haas and 
now Dalma Heyn (“Infidelity 
Chic," The Playboy Forum, No- 
vember). I am sick to death 
of hearing militant feminist 
views on the male gender. Yes, 
there is still male chauvinism 
in the world. There always will be. Just. 
as there will always be women who 
subscribe to the "all men arc vicious 
evil swine out to degrade women 
through sexual exploitation" philoso- 
phy. According to Heyn's definition, 
if a man cheats on his wife with a 
younger woman, he is a pig; ifa wom- 
an finds a younger man, she is a revo- 
lutionary. This is flawed and preten- 
tious Dworkinian logic if I ever heard 
it. There is nothing glamourous in 
hurting the ones you love. 
D. L. Martinez 
King George, Virginia 


COME TO PAPA. 

I am a regular reader оЁғілувоу and 
am sick of the whining I keep hearing 
from men—most recently and spe- 
cifically from Terrie Burrell ("Whose 
Choice?") in Reader Response, The 
Playboy Forum, December. Men have a 
number of choices when it comes to 
birth control: abstinence, refraining 
from vaginal intercourse, condoms 
coupled with a diaphragm or spermici- 
dal jelly, and vasectomy. The only addi- 
tional choices for women are to have an 
abortion or give birth. So grow up and 
take responsibility for your actions in- 
stead of trying to control ours once the 
deed is done. No man has to be a father 
without his consent. He does have to 
understand that his moment of choice 
comes before the act, not afterward. 

Donna Krooskos 
San Diego, California 


Terrie Burrell, are you a moron? 
Your absolutely irrefutable right to opt 
out of fatherhood can be protected in 
two ways: abstinence and latex. 

Christine Hopkins 
Noblesville, Indiana 

Terrie Burrell responds: "First of all, I'm 
a woman. In my original letter I told the sto- 
ту of a male friend who was casually dating 
a woman who claimed to be on the pill. It 
wasn't until after she found out she was 
pregnant that she admitted she had missed 
laking them a couple of days. I am in no way 
condoning men's lack of responsibility in the 
birth-control process, but in this case, I be- 
lieve the man was victimized. Until men can 
get pregnant, it is up to women to protect 
themselves. There is absolutely no excuse for 


an unwanted pregnancy.” 


TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK 
Tired of the moral right’s objection 
to pornography and other “obscene 
material,” a gay man from Wichita 
Falls, Texas took action. He filed a 
complaint with police charging three 
Christian bookstores with displaying 
obscene material. And what exactly was 
the objectionable matter? Marriage 
manuals within reach of children. The 
man told The Advocate, a gay publica- 
tion, “The Christian right has had a 
heyday censoring books. This is just to 
show them that they have material that 
is objectionable to some. If we're going 
to begin censoring things, [that should 

include] anything objectionable.” 

Anne Stein 
Chicago, Illinois 


LITERATURE 

I find the constant comparisons of 
sexual and violent behavior to be en- 
lightening in showing how the puritan 
mind works. Experts have been quoted 
as saying something like 80 percent of 
serial killers use pornography. For 
what? As a warm-up? Millions of men 
and women have been reading and 
looking at sexually explicit material 
since time immemorial. Psychopaths 
make up a very small percentage of 
that group, and chances are that they 
would cornmit their deviant acts even if 
they never had seen a sexually explicit 
book. Over the years, PLAYBOY has sup- 
ported the cause of freedom in its 
many forms. Please continue to re- 
search the relationship between sexual 

freedom and criminal behavior. 

Terry Dohl 

Lancaster, Pennsylvania 


WE GOT LETTERS. . .. 

Td like to thank you for the mention 
of Sense & Censorship: The Vanity of 
Bonfires (The Playboy Forum, December). 


At the Media Coalition, we have gotten 
quite a few requests for the pamphlet 
since then. However, I would like to 
make an addendum to the ordering in- 
formation you provided: The Sense & 
Censorship pamphlet is actually a two- 
part publication. The first pamphlet is 
a historical overview of censorship as it 
has taken shape in America. The com- 
panion pamphlet, also titled Sense & 
Censorship, is an extensive collection of 
resources on the study of violent and 
sexually explicit material, as well as 
censorship. The two are most useful in 
tandem. The set of censorship pam- 
phlets is available for $1.50 per set, 75 
cents per set for any order of ten or 
more. We request payment in advance, 
with a check or money order sent to 
our new offices at 1221 Avenue of the 
Americas, 24th floor, New York, New 
York 10020. 

Anne Castro 

The Media Coalition 

New York, New York 


A mother of two, searching for Waldo in a puzzle (Where's Waldo on the 
Beach?), spotted a topless sunbather. Mom expressed her indignation, and 
the store where she bought the puzzle pulled it. Censors never rest. 


49 


MADONNA VS. DR. RUTH: 


in two new books, two dynamos of pop 


50 


MADONNA: “This book does not condone unsafe 
sex. These are fantasies | have dreamed up. Like 
most human beings, when | let my mind wander, 
when 1 let myself go, І rarely think of condoms. My 
fantasies take place in a perfect 
world, a place withovt AIDS. Unfor- 
tunately, the world is пої perfect 
and I know that condoms are nec- 
essary and mandatory. Everything 
you are about fo see and read is a 
fantasy, a dream, pretend. But if I 
were їо make my dreams real, I 
would certainly use condoms. Safe 
sex saves lives. Pass it on.” 


DR. RUTH: “Kokopelli is intended to 
provide a form of sex education: What is 
refreshingly honest about Mr. and Mrs. 
Kokopelli is that Mr. has a penis and tes- 
ticles of normal scale, so the Hopi girl 
for whom this doll was intended would 
be prepared for marriage with realistic 
expectations about the male anatomy." 


DR. RUTH: "The penis-like shape near the octo- 
pus's head does not have a condom, even though it 
looks erect. Н is a perfectly proportioned, circum- 
cised penis, but it would be even better if it were 
wearing d condom to make a 
strong statement for the Nineties 
that one cannot be overprepared 
fo thwart sexually transmissible 
diseases in general and the fatal 
AIDS-causing virus in particular 
All this occurs in the woman's 
dream. A dream that includes safe 
sex is certainly the kind of erotic 
fantasy best suited to our age.” 


MADONNA: “I had only one bed. So 
we both got into it and I couldn't sleep, 
so I had sex with him and it was really 
awesome because he was so young and 
so in wonderment of it all. He was fear- 
less. He would do anything. He wasn't 
very big. He was just a baby. See, I'm 
not a size queen.” 


SEA VS. THE ART OF AROUSAL 


culture face off for a battle of erotic advice 


DR. RUTH: “In particular, we have ta 
applaud the acrobatic mon abave, who at 
the mament af bliss dues not forget the 
pleasure af the two wamen who support —— 

the one riding his penis. If yau laak closely, you will see that he is nat steadying himself with 
his hands but rather stroking the wamen’s genitals, Instead af jealausy there ore warm and 
suppartive looks being shared amang the three women. But that wos over nine hundred years 
ода and it wauld be hard and hardly wise to duplicate such a successful faursome in our day.” 


MADONNA: “A picture is worth. . . .” 


MADONNA: "My name is Dita. I'll be 
your mistress tonight. I'll be your loved 
one, darling. Turn out the light. I'll be 
your sorceress, your heart's magician. 
I'm not a witch. I'm a love technician. 
I'll be your guiding light in your dark- 
est hours. I'm gonna change your life." 


DR. RUTH: "After you look at the pic- 
turcs and rcad the texts in this book— 
and maybe make love with your part- 
ner having been stimulated by the 
material between these two covers, you 
will recognize the delights of sexual 
and artistic variety that await your dis- 
covery. Maybe you'll even go out and 
buy your lover not another box of 
chocolates but books on art. And who 
knows—maybe some of you will even 
be inspired to start painting your 
beloved —naked. If that happens, be 
sure to let me know." 


DR. RUTH: “Apparently the Greeks had the good sense ta recognize 
that having intercourse in the same pasitian, same place and at the 
same time af day is boring. Rother than farcefully entering his partner 
from behind, this smiling lover gently grasps his partner’s bock in order 
ta steady himself and ta draw her daser. If he is a considerate lover, af- 
ter his awn ejaculation he will turn her around and bring her ta argasm 


with cunnilingus or by straking her clitoris with his fingers." 


51 


Мы Esp W. 


Sa КЕСИК 


Өл ING T 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


INTHE BUFF 


NEW YORK CITY—¥You thought you'd 


heard of every topless service imaginable? 
Wrong. The proprietor of Manhattan 


Adult Video has introduced topless shoe- 
shines—or reintroduced them. A bare- 
breasted buffer here says her mother told 
her that topless shine girls were an attrac- 
tion at vaudeville shows in the Twenties. 
In the more sedate Nineties, customers at 
this parlor run the gamut from blue-collar 
workers to Wall Street executives, “So far,” 
according to the buffer, “there have been no 
problems with lunging.” 


JUST SAY YES 


CHICAGO—À group has decided to take 
on the abstinence-based sex education pro- 
vided in public schools by offering alterna- 
tive information. The Coalition for Posi- 
tive Sexuality works outside area high 
schools. CPS hands out condoms and a 
safe-sex booklet, “Just Say Yes,” to students 
who request the material. "It's too bad you 
weren't here a couple years ago," said one 
girl to the activists. “I have a nine-month- 
old baby now.” 


ANNALS OF REPRESSION 


WASHINGTON, D.C—A sodomy law that 
prohibits “unnatural sex” between consent- 
ing adults is still on the books. Gay groups 
challenged the statute, but the D.C. coun- 
cil—the district’s governing group—split 


on the issue five to five. However, three 
members were out of town for the vote and 
new members will be joining the board, 
which virtually guarantees another chal- 
lenge this year. 

ONTARIO—A court judge has declared 
unconstitutional a Canadian law that 
makes consensual anal intercourse by or 
with persons aged 14 to 18 punishable by 
up to ten years in prison. Observing that it 
does not involve risk of pregnancy (which 
might otherwise have been a factor), 
Madam Justice Marie Corbett said she saw 
“no evidence indicating any harmful effect 
on the public generally or the individual.” 


RED-LIGHT DISTRICT 


CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS—A con- 
sulting firm, Management Resources, is 
selling a battery-powered red-light pin that 
women can wear on their clothing. The 
company suggests women flash the pin 
whenever they feel subjected to sexual ha- 
Tassment or sexist remarks in the work- 
place. Some critics complained that it 
trivializes the issue, but Management Re- 
sources insists it’s a good training tool. 


FASHION STATEMENT 


ELMIRA, NEW YORK—“There are a lot of 
teenagers out there embarrassed by them,” 
says Thursa Hargrove. The “them” are 
condom packages that adorned her hair 
and clothing as a safe-sex and unwanted- 
pregnancy statement. Hargrove, a 16- 
year-old high school junior with an 18- 
‘month-old child, speaks from authority. 
But so did school officials: They removed 
Hargrove from class afler she refused to 
remove the condoms. According to the 
school principal, “It’s distracting to the 
other students.” 


AS THE WORM TURNS 


BEIJING—The good word: Researchers 
isolated ап as-yet-unnamed compound 
that could ultimately result in a natural, 
homegrown, contraceptive. Chinese scien- 
tists are working on a spermicide made 
from earthworms. “Research has shown 
that an earthworm extract can kill human 
sperm really fast,” reporied the overseas 
edition of People’s Daily. 

Tucson—The bad word, announced in 
the journal Nature, is that producing 
sperm may substantially shorten life spans. 


This came as a shock to a University of 
Arizona researcher and other scientists, 
who say it could indicate that sperm pro- 
duction might divert physiological re- 
sources that otherwise prolong life. 


HERPES AID 


RESEARCH TRIANGLE PARK. NEW JER- 
sev—Burroughs Wellcome said it will 
make its antiherpes drug, Zovirax, avail- 
able (up to 730 grams) at no cost to pa- 
tients who enroll in a special plan. Appli- 
cants must be referred by their doctors and 
need more of the medication than their m- 
surance will cover. Similar programs have 
been set up for HIV patients who cannot 
afford needed drugs. 


AUTOERDTICISM 


Lonpon—The journal of the London 
Institute of Psychiatry offered a case study 
in which a 20-year-old member of а reli- 
gious sect that forbids sexual involvement 
with women before marriage developed a 
relationship with the family car. Reported- 
ly, the man masturbated near the tailpipe 
and also kept photos of the car in his room. 
As а patient, he underwent a program of 
“orgasmic reconditioning” in which he 


started masturbating to pictures of the car 
but finished with pictures of nude females, 
Doctors reported that the treatment was 
only partially successful: He did develop a 
greater interest in women, but his first love 
remains the car. 


1 mg. "tar, 01 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. © 1993 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO, 


There you are. Just you, your thoughts, 

апа а hot cup of joe. You light up a smoke. 

Yeah, man. Smooth. Mild. Flavorful. 

Low tar. Low tar? How can that 

be? Used to be low tar meant 
low expectations. Well, bub, 
that was then. And this is 


NOW 


THE LOW TAR WAY TO SMOKE. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 


Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Welcome to the state of relaxation. Enjoy your stay. 


CHRISTIAN BROTHERS BRANDY. 


nors FRANK ZAPPA 


a candid conversation with the most original mind in rock music about 
world affairs, jewish princesses, fighting cancer and life beyond the fringe 


Few would doubt that Václav Havel, the 
Czech playwright-turned-politician, and Matt 
Groening, creator of “The Simpsons,” make 
an odd pair. Yet in separate interviews, when 
asked which person had the greatest influence 
on their lives, both came up with the same 
name: Frank Zappa. “Who else?” wondered 
Groening. "I listened to the music, I dissected 
the lyrics and it transformed me.” 

Havel and Groening are not alone. In this 
year’s Playboy Music Poll, our readers chose 
Zappa as the 43rd inductee into the Playboy 
Music Hall of Fame, where he joins the likes 
of Frank Sinatra, John Lennon and Bruce 
Springsteen. But even before the votes had 
been counted, PLAYBOY'S editors had Zappa 
on their minds and had invited him to sit for 
the “Playboy Interview.” The result is an un- 
usual coincidence: For the first time in the 
magazine's history, an issue of PLAYBOY both 
announces the Hall of Fame winner and fea- 
tures him in the interview. 

What makes this occurrence even more un- 
usual is that Frank Zappa is no mainstream 
musician. While he is lionized in Europe, his 
avant-garde compositions and pointed, satiri- 
cal lyrics are seldom heard on American radio. 
As ће admits, people are often confused and 
angered by his work. As the leader of the 
Mothers of Invention, one of the weirdest— 


“There's this ludicrous fear of the power of 
music manifesting itself in the corruption of 
the youth of America. There are more love 
songs than anything else. If songs could make 
you do something, we'd all love one another.” 


and most brilliant—experimental bands ever, 
Zappa earned a prominent place in rock lore. 
He didn't do drugs, he fought censorship and 
he distributed a poster of himself seated nude 
on a toilet, calling it “Phi Zappa Krappa." 
It's no wonder that the first chapter of his 
autobiography is titled “How Weird Am 1, 
Anyway?” 

Quer the course of his carcer, few were left 
unscathed by Zappa's wicked satire set to music. 
A Randy Newman with fangs, Zappa went 
after fashion, hypocrisy and stereotypes, man- 
aging to offend an amazing array of people. 
Women were incensed over the song “Titties 
and Beer,” parents were horrified by such lyr- 
ics as “Watch out where the huskies go/and 
don’t you eat that yellow snow” and gays were 
furious over "He's So Gay." The Anti-Defa- 
mation League of the B'nai B'rith denounced 
“Jewish Princess” (“with overworked gums, 
she squeaks when she comes”) and demanded 
an apology. As always, Zappa refused. 

Like his fans, his enemies could take some 
consolation in the fact that they weren't alone. 
Zappa's attacks crossed political and ideologi- 
cal lines; he skewered Jesse Jackson, former 
Surgeon General С. Everett Koop, rednecks 
and televangelists. 

His music confounded his fans, too. His 
range often seemed limitless, as he jumped 


“I went to church regularly until I was eigh- 
teen years old. My parents tried to make me go 
to Catholic school, too. I lasted a very short 
time. When the penguin came after me with a 
ruler, I was out of there.” 


successfully from rock to jazz to classical. He 
has released more than 50 albums, including 
“Freak Out,” “Sheik Yerbouti,” “Apostrophe,” 
“200 Motels” (also the name of a film, now a 
cult classic) and “Jazz from Hell.” His classi- 
cal music has been lauded in stuffy circles, 
and he has released albums of his work per- 
formed by the London Symphony Orchestra. 
In Frankfurt, Germany, his soon-to-be-re- 
leased “The Yellow Shark” was the highlight 
of a festival last fall, and earlier this year the 
Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts in 
New York presented “The Music of Frank 
Zappa” as part of its Great Performers series. 

Zappa was able to make enemies even when 
he wasn't making music. He took on Tipper 
Gore and Susan Baker, wife of former Secre- 
tary of State James Baker, when they demand- 
ed that records be rated according lo content— 
the same way movies are. Zappa testified 
before the Senate Commerce Committee, call- 
ing Gore, Baker and their committee “a group 
of bored Washington housewives” who wanted 
to "housebreak all composers and performers 
because of the lyrics of a feu." He lost the cru- 
sade but remained a vigorous advocate of 
First Amendment rights. 

He has also campaigned to encourage his 
audiences to vote. Voter registration booths 
were set up in the lobbies of the concert halls 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO. 
“The minute somebody tells you you have can- 
cer, your life changes dramatically. I's like 
you have a fucking brand put on you. It com- 
plicates your life because you have to fight for 
your life every single da: 


55 


PLAYBOY 


in which he performed. In his “Video from 
Hell" (the companion to “Jazz from Hell"), 
he included a note that read, “Register to 
vole and read the Constitution before its 
void where prohibited by lax." His frustra- 
tions with government led him to consider be- 
ing part of it: In 1991 he announced that he 
was running for president. 

After some bad experiences in the record 
business (in the song “Brown Shoes Don't 
Make It,” he memorialized the businessmen 
who screwed him), Zappa and his wife (and 
manager), Gail, formed their own record la- 
bels and merchandising operation. (There's 
even a Zappa hotline: 1-818-РОМРКІМ.) His 
broad insight into economics and politics in- 
spired the Financial News Network to ask 
him to guest-host a talk show. That gig took 
him to Czechoslovakia to meet with Havel, 
then the president, before the country split 
into two republics. 

Zappa's music had been smuggled behind 
the iron curtain since the Sixties, and he had 
become a hero to the Czech people. His song 
“Plastic People” was an underground an- 
them. When he visited Prague, students told 
him that he had been considered one of the 
worst enemies of the Communist state. One 
student told of being arrested by the secret po- 
lice, jailed and beaten. “We are going to beat 
the Zappa music out of your head,” the officer 
screamed. Upon meeting Zappa, the boy said, 
“Our dream has come true today.” 

Havel was so enamored of him that he 
made Zappa the country’s special ambassador 
to the West on trade, culture and tourism. 
Zappa had big plans to help bridge cultural 
and economic barriers with the West. The ap- 
pointment, however, was derailed by Secretary 
of State Baker. Columnist Jack Anderson re- 
ported that Baker was “carrying an old 
grudge” from Zappa's dismissal of Susan 
Baker as a “bored housewife.” “When [Bak- 
er] arrived in Prague,” Anderson wrote, “he 
had his surrogates convey his displeasure to 
Havel.” Havel succumbed to the pressure 
and canceled the appointment. 

Zappa came far to have such high-placed 
enemies. A song called “Son of Mr: Green 
Genes” made people think his father was the 
character on “Captain Kangaroo,” but in 
truth, he is the son of a metcorologist who did 
research on poison gases for the military. Gas 
masks hung on a wall of the family’s home in 
case of an accident with the chemical weapons 
his father studied. 

The family moved frequently before ending 
up in Lancaster, California, where Frank 
played drums in the school marching band. 
His musical taste, however, was eclectic; while 
his classmates swooned over Elvis, he listened 
10 composers such as Edgard Varése and 
Anton Webern. 

In Lancaster, Zappa formed his first garage 
band, the Black-Outs (so named after the 
night some of his bandmates drank too much 
peppermint schnapps and blacked out). He 
later joined the Soul Giants, which became the 
Mathers of Invention. With Zappa as their 


56 guitar-wielding leader, the Mothers were 


known for their excellent and innovative 
music—*Uncle Meat,” “Weasels Ripped My 
Flesh” and “The Grand Wazoo” are classic 
albums—and for their antics. One of the 
more colorful rock legends maintains that 
Zappa and Alice Cooper had a gross-oul con- 
lest onstage: After Cooper allegedly squashed 
some live baby chicks, Zappa supposedly 
picked up a plastic spoon and ate a plate of 
steaming feces. Although Zappa denies it, 
he's been haunted by the story for years. 

While his reputation for weirdness is his 
trademark, his private life seems eminently 
sane. Now 52, he has been married to Сай for 
25 years and is a devoted father to his four 
children—Moon Unit, 25 (she was the voice 
of the obnoxious “Valley Girl” in his 1982 hit 
song), Dweezil, 23, Ahmet, 18, and Diva, 
13. It was Moon and Dueezil who shocked 
their father’s fans in November 1991 when 
they announced that he had been diagnosed 
with prostate cancer. The illness forced him to 
drop his planned presidential campaign, 
and both work and iravel have been disrupt- 
ed. His “Playboy Interview” was conducted 
by Contributing Editor Dovid Sheff, who most 
recently chatted with Steve Martin for the 
January 1993 interview. Sheff reports: 


“They wanted to 
convince the world 
that there’s no such 

thing as a Jewish 
princess, but, Гт 
sorry, the facts 
speak for themselves.” 


“The Zappa home is a mock-Tudor Pte- 
wee's Playhouse in fast-forward mode. In one 
тоот, a state-of-the-art recording studio, engi- 
neers work on computers and recording equip- 
ment, and in another room, editors pore over 

frames of videotape. Various assistants dash 
through halls decorated with memorabilia 
such as gold records and zarra license plates. 
On one wall is a poster of Ronald Reagan as 
Adolf Hitler. 

“1 waited for Zappa in a wood-paneled 
room on a comfortable old couch opposite a 
redbrick fireplace. When Frank came in, he 
attempted to sit comfortably in a large purple 
leather chair, But comfort was impossible— 
Zappa explained that the pain had invaded 
his lower back. 

The interview was interrupted briefly by 
assistants bringing coffee or Frank’s dinner, 
a bagel and cream cheese. Gail sleepily 
stopped in to say hello; she was exhausted af- 
ter an all-night flight from Tokyo, where she 
had gone with Diva and Moon Unit to see 
Dweezil play guitar with a Japanese рор 
мах Later, Diva came in, flopped on her 
dad's lap and gave him a big hiss, telling him 
how much she had missed him. 

“Zappa, with his trademark mustache 


and sideburns, chain-smoked while he spoke 
with unmistakable passion, and urgency, 
about his music, his politics, his family and 
his illness. Occasionally, pain overcame him 
and he stopped speaking. 1 asked if he want- 
ed ta take a break and resume later. ‘No,’ he 
said, let's keep going." 

“We finished after seven straight hours, 
and as we wound up, I felt both inspired and 
deeply saddened. I thanked him and told him 
it was a good interview. He said, As long as it 
goes beyond the fringe.” 


PLAYBOY: You once said that your job is 
“extrapolating everything to its most ab- 
surd extreme.” Does that still hold true? 
ZAPPA: It’s one of my jobs. I guess it must 
have been my main job that day. But yes, 
I like carrying things to their most 
idiculous extreme because out there on 
the fringe is where my type of entertain- 
ment lies. 

PLAYBOY: [s it frustrating that more peo- 
ple don't get it? 

ZAPPA: The crux of thc bi Ifit en- 
tertains you, fine. Enjoy it. If it doesn't, 
then blow it out your ass. I do it to amuse 
myself. If I like it, I release it. If some- 


- body else likes it, that's a bonus. 


PLAYBOY: How important is it to offend 
people? 

ZAPPA: You mean, do I wake up and say, 
“1 think I'll go out and offend somebody 
today"? I don't do that. I don't write 
lyrics much anymore, but 1 offend peo- 
ple just as much with the music itself. I 
put chords together that I like, but many 
people want rhythms that they can 
march to or dance to; they get tangled 
up trying to tap their foot to my songs. 
Some people don't like that, which is OK 
with me. 

PLAYBOY: You certainly offended people 
with the Phi Zappa Krappa poster. 
ZAPPA: Probably. But so what? 

PLAYBOY: And some of your antics from 
the Mothers of Invention days, like the 
famed gross-out contest. 

ZAPPA: There never was a gross-out con- 
test. That was a rumor. Somebody's 
imagination ran wild. Chemically bond- 
ed imagination. The rumor was that 1 
went so far as to eat shit onstage. There 
were people who were terribly disap- 
pointed that I never ate shit onstage. But 
no, there never was anything even re- 
sembling a gross-out contest. 

PLAYBOY: Another rumor was that you 
peed on an audience. 

ZAPPA: I never had my dick out onstage 
and neither did anybody else in the 
band. We did have a stuffed giraffe 
rigged with a hose and an industrial- 
strength whipped cream dispenser. Un- 
der it we had a cherry bomb. That's how 
we celebrated the Fourth of July in 1967 
Somebody waved the flag, lit the cherry 
bomb. It blew the ass out of the giraffe. 
Another guy reached behind the giraffe 
and pushed the button and had this 
thing shitting whipped cream all over 


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the stage. That amused people for some 
reason. 

PLAYBOY: So it was simply contained 
outrageousness? 

ZAPPA: Stagecraft. 

PLAYBOY: То entertain or just to alleviate 
boredom? 

ZAPPA: There was a third factor, too. 
There's an art statement in whipped 
cream shooting out the ass of a giraffe, 
isn't there? We were carrying on the for- 
gotten tradition of dada stagecraft. The 
more absurd, the better I liked it. 
PLAYBOY: The titles of your records and 
songs are art statements, too. 

ZAPPA: Well, you have to call them some- 
thing, so why not call them something 
amusing? 

PLAYBOY: For exam- 
ple, Burnt Weeny 
Sandwich? 

ZAPPA: | still cat 
burnt wceny sand- 
wiches. It's one of the 
great things in life. 
At least it's a great 
lunch. You take 
a Hebrew National, 
put it on a fork, burn 
it on the stove, wrap 
two pieces of bread 
around it, squirt 
some mustard on it, 
cat it and you're back 
to work. 

PLAYBOY: You've also 
used your songs to 
level political attacks. 
You wrote Rhymin’ 
Man about Jesse Jack- 
son. What made you 


so angry? 
ZAPPA: An article 
raised some ques- 


tions about. whether 
or not Martin Luther 
King actually died in 
Jesse's arms. There 
were reports that 
Jackson dipped his 
hands into Kings 
blood or even used 
chicken blood and 
rubbed it on his shirt, 
which he wore for a few days afterward 
as he met the media. So 1 did this 
song about the idea of communicating 
through nursery rhymes, as Jackson is 
prone to do. It rubs me the wrong way. 
I'm not saying that all of Jesse's ideas are 
bad; I agree with some of them. But I'm 
not confident that Jesse Jackson would 
be the person I would look to to imple- 
ment any of them. І don't want to see 
any religious people in public office be- 
rking for another boss. 
PLAYBOY: You also assailed former Si 
соп General С. Everett Koop in a song. 
Zappa: НВО ran something like "Dr. 
Koop Answers Your Questions About 
AIDS.” On it, I saw him explain how 
AIDS got from the green monkey to the 


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a native who wanted to eat a green mon- 
key, who skinned it, cut his finger and 
some of the green monkey's blood got 
into his blood. The next thing you know, 
you have this blood-to-blood transmis- 
sion of the disease. I mean, t! 
fucking thin. It’s right up there with 
Grimm's Fairy Tales. And Koop was such 
a cartoon character with that uniform 
and everything. Before Ronald Reagan, 
when did you ever see a surgeon gener- 
al dressed up like the guy in the Katzen- 
jammer Kids? 

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accused of being sexist, misogynistic and 
homophobic. 

ZAPPA: Some people miss the joke. In 
general, I was 2 convenient enemy and 
they could get exposure for their causes 
by coming after me. But I'm not antigay. 
When Ross Perot announced he was 
running for president, I wanted him to 
choose Barney Frank as a vice-presiden- 
tial candidate. He is one of the most im- 
pressive guys in Congress. He is a great 
model for young gay men. 

PLAYBOY: But you were criticized for Bob- 
by Brown Goes Down and He's So Gay. 
Zappa: But see, I'm a journalist of a sort. 
I have a right to say what | want to say 
about any topic. If you don't have a 
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The Innovative Ed 


PLAYBOY: Is that what you said when you 
were attacked by the Anti-Defamation 
League for Jewish Princess? 

ZAPPA: They wanted to convince the 
world that there's no such thing as a Jew- 
ish princess, but, I'm sorry, the facts 
speak for themselves. They asked me to 
apolo; and I refused. I still have their 
letter nailed to the wall. They got a lot of 
mileage out of it, but it was a tempest in 
a teapot. They just wanted to give the 
impression that here, in the world of 
rock, was this rabid anti-Semite who was 
besmirching the fine reputation of 
everybody of the Jewish faith. Well, I 
didn't make up the idea of a Jewish 
princess. They exist, so I wrote a song 
about them. If they don't like it, so what? 
Italians have prin- 
cesses, too. 

PLAYBOY: Is there 
rhyme or reason be- 
hind the subjects you 
choose to attack? 
ZAPPA: Whatever I'm 
mad at at the time. I 
like things that wor 
If something doesn't, 
the first question you 
have to ask is, Why? 
If it's not working 
and you know why, 
then you have to ask, 
“Why isn't somebody 
doing something 
about it?" The gov- 
ernment, for starters. 
Most institution: 
The nation's educ 
tion system is com- 
pletely fucked up. 
PLAYBOY: Fucked up 
how? 

ZAPPA: ‘The schools 
arc worthless because 


Overnight Shipping Available athe books are worth- 
> Department 500743 less. They still are on 
5200 Fields-Ertel Road the level of George 
Cincinnati, Ohio 45249 Washington and the 


cherry tree and “I 
cannot tell a lie." The 
books have all been 
bowdlerized by com- 
mittecs responding to 
pressure from right-wing groups to 
make every aspect of the history books 
consistent with the cryptofas view- 
point. When you send your kids to 
school, that's what they're dealing with. 
Your children are being presented with 
these documents, part of a multibillion- 
dollar industry which are absolutely 
fraudulent. Kids heads are crammed 
with so many nonfacts that when they 
get out of school they're torally unpre- 
pared to do anything. They can't read, 
they can’t write, they can't think. Talk 
about child abuse. The U.S. school sys- 
tem as a whole qualifies, 

PLAYBOY: Did you find alternative 
schools for your kids? 

zappa: in California you can take your 


cmon 


59 


PLAYBOY 


60 


kids out of school at 15 if they can pass 
the equivalency test, so the first three 
have escaped. Diva still has a couple of 
years to go. 

PLAYBOY: Before they escaped, how did 
you deal with it? 

ТАРРА: We had them in public school 
and private school, back 2 
ing to find the best possible education 
that we could get for them. 

PLAYBOY: Regardless of what they learned 
at school, they certainly must get an ed- 
ucation around here. 
zappa: There definitely is a little s 
tion around here. They meet a lot of 
people from all over the world and of all 
different nationalities and races and 
business backgrounds. The kids aren't 
shoveled into a room. 

PLAYBOY: Did the perspective you gave 
them prepare them for those bad 
schools? 

ZAPPA: It caused them trouble, becau: 
when they compared what qualifies as 
the real world here in this house with 
what they experienced as the real world 
in school, it was very different. Some- 
times their friends think they're weird. 
On the other hand, their friends like to 
spend the night over here. 

PLAYBOY: Were the teachers horrified? 
ZAPPA: Some of them. They had a few 
teachers who were great. One could have 
taught a couch to read. She was fired be- 
cause she wasn't Mexican. The school 
had an ethnic quota, and she was out. 
PLAYBOY: If Tipper Gore was right and 
exposure to an uncensored world is bad 
for kids, your kids must be monster: 
ZAPPA: My kids do OK. I like them a lot 
and they seem to like me ard their 
mother. They don't use drugs. The 
don't drink. They don't even eat meat 
PLAYBOY: What have you said to your 
kids about drugs? 

ZAPPA: All I told them was, “You see e: 
amples of drug-crazed people on telev 
sion and all you have to do is look at 
those assholes.” They get the point. The 
biggest thing you can do for kids is give 
them the ability to figure things out. I 
use a risk-reward program. One of my 
kids comes to me and tells me he or she 
wants to do something. I say no if I don't 
think it’s a good idea. If they can con- 
vince me, logically, that I'm wrong, they 
get to do it. 

PLAYBOY: You're creating your worst 
nightmare: a house full of lawyers. 
Zappa: 1 don't think we have to worry 
about any of them becoming lawye: 
But it does help to develop reasoni 
and communication skills—you might 
even call it sales skills—to manage to get 
your way in a fast and efficient manner. I 
don't think it hurts. Look at the altern: 
tive: They could go "Wah-wah-wah" or 
break things, or sneak. We don't have 
very much in the vay of tantrums or 
sneakage problems. 


1 look at kids as little people. The little 
people have certain assets and liabilities. 
"They're born with an unbound imagina- 
tion. They're born without fear and 
prejudice. On the other hand, they don't 
have the mechanical skills to do big-per- 
son stuff. But if you treat them like pco- 
ple, they'll learn. If you think of them as 
your precious little commodities and you 
want to mold them and shape them into 
something that you imagine for them, it 
breeds problem: 

PLAYBOY: You obviously don't buy the ar- 
gument that you have to give your kids 
something to rebel against. 

Zappa: Well, my children certainly have 
decided not to grow up like me. They 
don't smoke, They don't cat hamburgers. 
or bacon. They find their own way. I just 
want to keep them out of trouble and 
make sure that they can get to adulthood 
with some sort of marketable skill and a 
chance for a happy life on their own 
terms. I don’t want them to be like me or 
like Gail. They should be like them. And 
they should be as well equipped to be 
themselves as possible. As parents we 
have to do everything to give them the 
equipment to be themselves, so that 
when they go out into the world they can 
their identity and still su 
PLAYBOY: Would they have been different 
had you named them Sally or John? 
ZAPPA: It’s the last name that gets them 
into trouble 

PLAYBOY: How? 

ZAPPA: lm viewed as being weird. When 
somebody calls you weird, then anything 
you touch becomes weird. On the other 
hand, they like being weird 
PLAYBOY: And their first names 
guish them for anyone unconvinced by 
their last name? 

ZAPPA: 1 want them to be different. I 
know that the people in these schools 
Il never be different because they're 
afraid to be different. But my kids are 
genetically different, so they might as 
vell be different all the way. 

PLAYBOY: Chastity Bono once told a re- 
porter how terrible her name is. She said 
when she complained, Sonny reminded 
her, *Be thankful we didn't name you 
Dweezil.” Have any of your kids threat- 
ened to change their names? 

ZAPPA: No. I think they like them, 
though you'd have to ask them, We all 
get along well. That seems to be a 
thing in a family today. The famil 

is a vanishing artifact. In the Ninet 
you have a family and the people inside 
the family have affection for one anoth- 
er, it's kind of a miracle, It's mutant be- 
havior. I mean, they yell and scream at 
one another like any other kids. But 
most of the time they play together. 
PLAYBOY: How did you meet Gail? 

ZAPPA: She was working at the Whiskey- 
a-Go-Go in L.A. I fell in love with her 
ntly. 


PLAYBOY: Is it true you didn't give her a 
wedding ring? 

ТАРРА: Î didn't have one, so when we got 
married, I pinned a ballpoint pen on her 


dress. It was a maternity dress because 
she was nine months pregnant. 
PLAYBOY: These days, particu in 


your profession, twenty- fiv 
riages are uncommon. Why has yours 
lasted? 

ТАРРА: We both are busy with what we 
care about. She's good at what she does, 
and I leave her alone when it comes to 
that. I spent so much time on the road 
that we were always glad to see each oth- 
er when the tours were over. The other 
thing is I guess we like each other. 
PLAYBOY: Is there a lot of music in 
your house? What music do your kids 
listen to? 

ZAPPA: When Ahmet was in sixth grade, 
he liked Fiddler on the Roof and Oliver! Re- 
cently he discovered Hoagy Carmichael 
and Johnny Mercer. Diva likes rap music 
of all languages. Moon likes dance-ori- 
ented stuff. Dweezil likes anything with a 
guitar in it. 

PLAYBOY: How do you like his music? 
ZAPPA: The best of it, 1 think, is his in- 
strumental music, which is very involved 
technically; the rhythms and. intervals 
are complicated and his execution is 
spotless. 
PLAYBOY: How about you? Have you lost 
interest in rock and roll? 

My main interest composi- 
tion—getting an idea and manifesting it 
in a way that people can listen to 
PLAYBOY: How much has technology 
changed your music? 

ZAPPA: Without the computer 1 would 
still be at the mercy of musicians to play 
my music. I would also be at the mercy 
of governmental and civic entities that 
fund performances. 

PLAYBOY: Alier your last tour, you said 
you wouldn't be: touring again. 

Zappa: Well, I couldn't afford it. I lost 
$400,000 on it and I don't wish to expe- 
rience that again. 

PLAYBOY: Do you сусг miss the—— 
ZAPPA: Rock-and-roll life? No. 

PLAYBOY How about the experience of 


. Every once in a while I 
feel like playing the guitar, but 1 stop 
and think what I'd have to go through in 
order to do it. The urge goes away 
PLAYBOY: 15 it particularly gratifying to 
get commissions such as He ester) 
the Frankfurt Festival last year? 
ТАРРА: That one was really something. It 
was a whole evening of my music, which 
was part of a whole week of my mu 
new pieces and old. It was performed in 
ankfurt, Berlin and Vienna. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have any theori 
why your music has been mor 
in Europe than in America? 
ZAPPA: Germans, ar have a 
istory of supporting new composition. 
ey also have a viable contemporary 


about 
popular 


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PLAYBOY 


tradition of new music that gets funded 
and performed regularly. 

PLAYBOY: Was it always your goal to do 
classical music? 

zappa: Thats where I started. I didn't 
write rock and roll until I | 
twenties, but I started w 
kinds of music. I couldn't play it, I could 
only write it. 

PLAYBOY: Where did the interest come 
from? 

ZAPPA: І liked the way music looked on 
paper. It was fascinating to me that you 
could see the notes and somebody who 
knew what they were doing would look 
at them and music would come out. I 
thought it was a miracle. I was always in- 
terested in graphics, and I spent most of 
my creative time in my early days in 
school drawing pictures. I got a Speed- 
ball pen and a jar of Higgins India ink 
and some music paper and, shit, / could 
draw those. 

PLAYBOY: It was originally about a pic- 
ture, not a sound? 

zappa: Yes. And then I got someone to 
play it. 1 went to my grandmother's fu- 
neral when 1 was little and I sat there 
looking at the candles. The choir was 
singing, and when they would sing a 
note, the candles would respond to it. I 
didn't know why. I was a little kid; what 
the fuck did I know about physics? But it 
was a physical manifestation of a sound. 
I remembered it; I put it in the memory 
bank to see what I could do with it later. 
It shows how bored I was at the funeral. 
PLAYBOY: Did your parents play music? 
ZAPPA: No. We had a very unmusical 
household. 

PLAYBOY: Your father worked with poi- 
son gas for a living. Did you understand 
plications of that? 

Zappa: Yeah. I just took it as a fact of 
life. We lived in a place where we were 
obliged to have gas masks hanging on 
the wall in case the tanks broke, because 
you could die. Thinking back on it, if 
those tanks had broken, those gas masks 
wouldn't have saved us. 

PLAYBOY: How close were the tanks? 
Zappa: There were tanks of mustard gas 
next to the Army housing we lived in. We 
were right down the street from this shit. 
We had a rack in the hall, with Daddy's 
mask, Momma’s mask and Frank's mask 
hanging on it. I used to wear mine all the 
time. It was my space helmet. There was 
a сап at the end of the hose that had the 
filtration unit in it, and I always won- 
dered what was in it. 1 took a can opener 
and unscrewed it to find out how it 
worked. My father got very upset when I 
opened it up because I broke it and he 
would have to get me another one, 
which he never did. I was defenseless. 
PLAYBOY: Were your parents religious? 
ТАРРА: Pretty religious. 

PLAYBOY: Church and confession? 
Zappa: Oh, yeah. They used to make me 


62 Бо. They tried to make me go to Catholic 


school, too. I lasted a very short time. 
When the penguin came after me with a 
ruler, I was out of there. 

PLAYBOY: So you were headstrong. 
ТАРРА: Yeah. I still went to church regu- 
larly, though, until I was eighteen years 
old. Then suddenly, the light bulb went 
on over my head. All the mindless mor- 
bidity and discipline was pretty sick— 
bleeding this, painful that and no meat 
on Friday. What is this shit? 

PLAYBOY: Is the irreverence and outra- 
geousness in your music a reaction to be- 
ing a good Catholic boy? 

Zappa: Well, 1 think it was possible to do 
what I've done only because I escaped 
the bondage of being a devout believer. 
To be a good member of the congrega- 
tion, ultimately you have to stop think- 
ing. The essence of Christianity is told to 
us in the Garden of Eden story. The fruit 
that was forbidden was on the tree of. 
knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffer- 
ing you have is because you wanted to 
find out what was going on. You could 
still be in the Garden of Eden if you had 
just kept your fucking mouth shut and 
hadn't asked any questions. 


“Tm not going to 
be Bill Clinton and 
say I never inhaled. 
I did inhale. I liked 


tobacco a lot better." 


PLAYBOY: Did the end of your religious- 
ness coincide with your step into rock 
and roll? 

ZAPPA: [t was right about the same time. 
I was pretty isolated. There weren't any 
cultural opportunities in Lancaster. You 
couldn't just go to a concert. There was 
nothing. 

PLAYBOY: Were you tempted by drugs? 
ZAPPA: All you'd have to do was look at 
the people who used them and that was 
enough. People would do frightening 
things and think it was fantastic. Then 
they would discuss it endlessly with the 
next guy, who had taken the same drug. 
I tried marijuana and waited for some- 
thing to happen. I got a sore throat and 
it made me sleepy. Га look at them and 
go, "Why?" I'm not going to be Bill Clin- 
ton and say I never inhaled. I did inhale. 
I couldn't understand what the big at- 
traction was. I liked tobacco a lot better, 
PLAYBOY: Were you involved in other as- 
pects of the counterculture? 

ТАРРА: In order to be a part of it, you 
had to buy into the whole drug package. 
You had to have been experienced, in 
the Jimi Hendrix sense of the word. And 


all the people 1 knew who had been ex- 
perienced were on the cusp of being 
zombies. 

PLAYBOY: Was it disconcerting that your 
audiences were high much of the time? 
Zappa: The worst part of it for me was 
that I really didn't like the smell of mari- 
juana. I had to go into a place that had 
the purple haze and work for a couple of 
hours in that. They were entitled to do 
whatever they wanted, so long as they 
didn't drive into me under the influence 
of it. 

PLAYBOY: But you told people drugs 
were stupid, before Nancy Reagan did. 
ZAPPA: One of the reasons we weren't ra- 
bidly popular at that time was that I said 
what was on my mind about drugs. 
PLAYBOY: Did you feel like an outsider? 
lt's safe to say that every other major 
rock star in those days was—— 

ZAPPA: Looped. It wasn't just the other 
musicians but the people in the band. 
The guys in the band who wished they 
could do drugs couldn't because it 
meant unemployment. I was unpopular 
for it. As for the rock stars, if you've met 
them, you know that they generally have 
very little on their minds. I never had 
any great desire to hang out with them. 
PLAYBOY: Did any of the big acts of the 
time interest you? How about Dylan, 
Hendrix, the Stones? 

ZAPPA: Some of the really good things 
that Hendrix did was the earliest stuff, 
when he was just ripping and brutal. 
Manic Depression was my favorite Jimi 
Hendrix song. The more experimental 
it got, the less interesting and the thin- 
ner it got. As for Dylan, Highway 61 Re- 
visited was really good. Then we got 
Blonde on Blonde and it started to sound 
like cowboy music, and you know what 1 
think of cowboy music. I liked the 
Rolling Stones. 

PLAYBOY: Did Mick Jagger once pull a 
splinter out of your toe? 

Zappa: Yeah. He came by my house and 
І was hopping around because of this 
splinter, so he pulled it out. Good story, 
huh? 1 did like his attitude and the 
Stones' attitude. Ultimately, though, the 
music was being done because it was 
product. It was pop music made because 
there was a record company waiting for 
records. 

PLAYBOY: Is that why you founded 
Straight Records? 

ZAPPA: 1 naively thought that if there was 
some venue for nonstandard material, 
the material would find a market. But it 
failed because it was independent and 
had independent distribution. We lost 
our butt on that one. So the only way 
you can really до ап independent label is 
to distribute through a major that has 
some clout to collect from the retailers. 
PLAYBOY: How are your current labels, 
Barking Pumpkin and Zappa Records, 
doing? 

Zappa: We have a very loyal fan base in 
several countries. Although the sales 


SUZ 
SU сок. 
The ride you've been waling for 


PLAYBOY 


64 


figures worldwide aren't anywhere near 
what the big rock stars would do if they 
released an album, the people who like 
what we do are very enthusiastic about 
it. That gives you a certain amount of 
leverage with record companies. You 
hook up with a major distributor but still 
control what you do. Since I have a 
record company of my own that controls 
the masters, the amount I make per 
unit—as the record company as opposed 
to the artist—is substantially more. I can 
sell three units and stay in business. 
PLAYBOY: What inspired you to form 
your first band, the Black-Outs? 

zappa: In Lancaster there wasn't any 
rock and roll, unless you listened to it 
on a record. Most 
of the people who 
liked R&B were not 
the white sons and 
daughters of the al- 
falfa farmers or de- 
fense workers who 
lived there. There 
were a number of 
Mexicans and a lot 
of black kids, and 
they liked that kind 
of stuff. So I put 
together this racial- 
ly mixed ensemble 
that liked to play 
that kind of music 
We banged our 
heads against the 
wall just like every 
other garage band, 
trying to figure out 
how to play it 
There's no guide- 
book. 

PLAYBOY: Were you 
playing high school 
dances? 

ZAPPA: No, they 
wouldnt let us. 1 
had to mount my 
own events. One 
time we rented the 
Lancaster Women's 
Club to put on a 
dance. When the 
authorities heard 
that there was go- 
ing to be this rock-and-roll dance in 
their little cowboy community, they ar- 
rested me at six t g 

grancy. I spent the night in jail. Tt was 
right out of a teenage movie. But the 
dance went off anyway. 

PLAYBOY: Did that group metamorphose 
into the Mothers of Invention? 

ZAPPA: That was just a high school band. 
Alter I got out of high school and moved 
away, I played other kinds of gigs, like a 
short stint with Joe Perrino and the Mel- 
lotones. We were allowed to play one 
twist number per night. The rest was 
Happy Birthday, Anniversary Waltz and all 
the standards. I wore a little tux and 
strummed chords, bored. I got sick of 


#1 


at evening for va- 


that and stuck my guitar in the case and 
put it behind the sofa and left it there for 
eight months. I got a job doing greeting 
card designs, and for fun I wrote cham- 
ber music. I ran into some people who 
knew a guy named Paul Buff, who had a 
studio. I started doing some work over 
there. I met Ray Collins, who was work- 
ing weekend gigs with the Soul Giants. 
He got into a fistfight with the guitar 
player. They needed a substitute guitar 
player in a hurry, so he called me. 1 got 
really involved and learned how hard it 
is to run a band, especially if you are try- 
ing to put together some nonstandard 
musical offering with no money. You try 
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while thing to do, when deep in his heart 
every rock musician thinks that he, too, 
should be the fourth member of C 
or the eighteenth Beatle. That group of 
people became the Mothers, anyway. 
PLAYBOY: So named because? 

ZAPPA: I dont know. We chose the name 
on Mother's Day. 

PLAYBOY: Do you look at those as the 
good old days? 

ZAPPA: 1 look at those as the old days. 
But we did have fun. 

PLAYBOY: What was the music scene like? 
ZAPPA: Pretty bizarre. It was the days of 
all these Sixties bands, including Jeffer- 
son Airplane and Paul Butterfield and 
Johnny Rivers. We opened for Lenny 


ream 


PREMIUM LAGER 


Bruce at the Fillmore West in 1966. I 
asked him to sign my draft card, but he 
said no. 

PLAYBOY: 15 that when you had your run- 
in with John Wayne? 

ZAPPA: Yeah. He came to one show, very 
drunk. He saw me and picked me up 
and said, “I saw you in Egypt and you 
were great . . . and then you blew me!” 
Onstage I said, “Ladies and gentlemen, 
it's Halloween and we were going to 
have some important guests here 
tonight—like George Lincoln Rockwell, 
head of the American Nazi Party—but 
unfortunately all we could get was John 
Wayne" He got up and made some 
drunken speech, and his bodyguards 
told me Га better 
cool it 

PLAYBO There 
were other charac- 
-such as Cyn- 
Plaster-Caster. 
Tell us about her. 
ZAPPA: Eric Clapton 
introduced me to 
the Plaster-Casters. 
They had all these 
statues of the dicks 
of people like Jimi 
Hendrix. One of 
them mixed the 
plaster stuff to 
make a mold, and 
the other gave the 
guy a blow job. She 
took her mouth off 
the guy's dick, and 
then the other one 
slammed the mold 
onto it. We declined 
to be enshrined, so 
to speak. 

PLAYBOY: During 
those years, the 
Mothers were fa- 
mous for being a 
hardworking band. 
You were on the 
road all the time. 
ZAPPA: Wc played 
everywhere. Like 
the time we spent in 
Montreal, when we 
played a club called 
the New Penelope and it was twenty de- 
grees below zero. We walked from our 
hotel to the club, and the snot had liter 
ally frozen in our noses by the time we 
got to work. The wind instruments got 
so cold that if you tried to play them, 
your lips and fingers would freeze to 
them. The instruments couldn't even be 
played until they were warmed up. It 
was pretty primitive. If we hadn't expe- 
rienced that, we probably wouldn't have 
come up with some of the more de- 
ranged types of audience participation 
and audience punishment things that we 
were doing at the time. 

PLAYEOY: Audience punishment things? 
ZAPPA: The question became, How far 


would they go? What could we get an 
audience to do? The answer seemed to 
be anything. We'd bring someone up 
and go, “Take your shoes and socks off, 
put your socks on your hands and lick 
them while we play.” Anything we could 
think of. So long as the person telling 
them to do it was onstage, they would do 
it. The rest of the people in the audience 
were laughing at the person who was do- 
ing the most ridiculous things but saying 
at the same time, “I could do that! That 
could be me!” At a theater in New York, 
which had once been a porno theater or 
something, there was a projection booth 
at the far end of the stage. We ran a wire 
from there to the opposite side of the 
stage. We had pulleys on it. Our drum- 
mer, Motorhead, was instructed to attach 
objects to the line at random times dur- 
ing the show and fly them down. When 
they would land onstage, whatever ar- 
rived, we would improvise on it. Once, 
he sent down a baby doll in a doggie- 
style position with its head removed. It 
flew over the audience, whizzing by like 
an apparition over their heads, and 
crashed into the post over us. It was fol- 
lowed shortly by а three-foot-long 
Genoa salami that sodomized the doll. It 
seemed to me that there was no reason 
to waste this perfectly good salami, so I 
invited this lovely girl with very long 
hair, wearing a kind of Little Miss Muffet 
costume, to come up onstage and eat the 
whole salami. We played and she ate the 
salami. She started to cry because she 
couldn't finish it. I told her it was OK, 
that we would save it for her and she 
could come back and eat the rest of it. 
She did. 

PLAYBOY: Do you keep up with popular 
music now? 

ZAPPA: What's to keep up with? If any- 
thing's sensational, it won't be on MTV, 
it'll be Sister Souljah on Lary King. 
PLAYBOY: You had your own talk show on 
FNN for a short time. What started that 
brief career? 

ТАРРА: 1 was invited to be a guest on Bob 
Berkowitz’ show to talk about business 
opportunities in the Soviet Union, which 
I knew something about from my travels 
there. It was a fairly amusing half hour, 
After that, Bob asked me to guest-host 
his show while he was on vacation. 
PLAYBOY: You tried to book Czechoslova- 
kia’s president Vaclav Havel as a guest, 
right? 

ТАРРА: 1 knew a guy who had been a 
rock-and-roll musician who, after the 
revolution, was a ranking member of the 
Czech parliament. 1 asked him whether 
or not he could arrange for me to meet 
Havel so that ] could interview him 
about the country's economy for FNN. I 
met with Havel and found that the 
minute I started talking with him about 
economics, he turned me over to his ad- 
visors; he didn't know anything about it 
We didn't do the interview, but it was 
great meeting with him. 


PLAYBOY: Why Havel? 

ZAPPA: | happen to think that the Velvet. 
Revolution was a little bit of a miracle. 
Since he was kind of the focal point of 
the whole thing, I thought he'd be a nice 
guy to talk with. He was. In the middle 
of everything, he mentioned that Dan 
Quayle was coming to visit. I expressed 
my condolences. I told him I was sorry 
that he was going to be forced to have 
a conversation with anyone that stupid. 
It eventually must have gotten back to 
the U.S. embassy. Instead of sending 
Quayle, Jim Baker—who was on his way 
to Moscow—rerouted his trip and went 
to Prague. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think of the 
breakup of Czechoslovakia? 

zappa: It's a big mistake. The crash pro- 
gram for economic reform is part of 
what led to the breakup of the country. 
Prime Minister Václav Klaus, who was 
the advocate of the fast economic reform 
а la Poland, is a person who is well re- 
spected by Western financial people be- 
cause he talks their language. This has a 
tendency to assure potential Western 
backers, who are not comfortable with a 
guy who wants to go slowly. But there. 
are factors that make it necessary to go 
slowly. 

Now there is no intellectual core in 
charge of the revolution, and the coun- 
try has divided up, which is a mistake 
Smaller entities tend to be less efficient; 
every small country has to reinvent the 
wheel. They have to set up a new consti- 
tution, a legislature, currency. It's hap- 
pening in every one of the small break- 
away republics. It gives the people 
personal gratification as a nationality, 
but the price is chaos. 

PLAYBOY: But you're all for smaller 
governments and more local control, 
aren't you? 

ZAPPA: No, because that means more 
governments. 

PLAYBOY: But smaller governments 
might better reflect their constituents. 
ZAPPA: That's a reasonable assumption, 
if it were all going to work fairly. But I 
think that behind each breakaway move- 
ment is a breakaway demagogue who 
will set up his breakaway demagogue 
government. In many breakaway coun- 
tries the governments now say, on paper, 
that you are free to be an entrepreneur. 
Well, that’s great if you have cash to 
invest. But who has the cash? The par- 
ty bosses who were there before are 
the new entrepreneurs. Guys who got 
thrown out of office wound up buying 
restaurants, hotels or factories. The 
drones who were wandering around the 
streets are still wandering, even though 
they have the right to be entrepreneurs. 
"That's certainly true in Russia, Hungary 
and Czechoslovakia. I haven't been to 
Poland yet 

PLAYBOY: Was it surprising that you had 
fans behind the iron curtain? 

ТАРРА: Yeah, and lots of people who 


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didn’t like me—like the 
PLAYBOY: What did the 
against you? 

ZAPPA: In Prague, I was told that the 
biggest enemies of the Communist Czech 
state were Jimmy Carter and me. A stu- 
dent I met said that he was arrested by 
the secret police and beaten. They said 
they were going to beat the Zappa music 
out of him. 

PLAYBOY: How did Czechs know about 
your music? 

Zappa: It had been slipping in there 
since 1966 or 1967. The first album that 
was really popular there was Absolutely 
Free, the onc with Plastic People on it. In 
Moscow, I was in the Ministry of Culture 
and met a young guy with a big Commu- 
nist pin on his chest who said that he had 
earned his way through school bootleg- 
ging my tapes in from Yugoslavia. 
PLAYBOY: Were you glued to your TV set 
when the Berlin Wall came down and 
the rest of the U.S.S.R. unraveled? 
Zappa: Yeah, and I was thrilled, even 
though Im pretty disappointed by 
what's happened since then. Sce, in that 
part of the world, the average guy in the 
street is like the average guy in the street 
anyplace else. He has the same desires. 
He wants something to eat, a roof over 
his head. He doesn't want to freeze, he 
wants to get laid, he wants to have a long 
and happy life reasonably free of pain. If 
he has a trade or a craft, he wants to be 
able to do his job. Unfortunately, these 
normal people are represented by bad 
people, just like here. But they want 
what we want. The average guy there is 
just like us, Joe Six-pack, except his beer 
tastes better. 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Ameri- 
ca's reaction to the changes in the for 
mer Soviet Union? 

ТАРРА: It’s underwhelming. | would call 
it reactionary 

PLAYBOY: What would you have the Unit- 
ed States do? 

Zappa: If you really believed that the ma- 
jor threat to the universe was commu- 
nism, the minute you saw it crumbling, 
wouldn't you do everything you could to 
make sure it never came back? To make 
sure that the people in that part of the 
world have a chance to participate in 
something better, so they aren't tempted 
to vote communism back і hat's a 
real danger in these countries. Now that 
they have free elections, so long as there 
is any remnant of a Communist Party, 
even if they call it something else, it 
could easily be voted back in because 
their economy is in such bad shape. 
They don’t need a tank or a gun to re- 
gain control, they just need a ballot box. 
PLAYBOY: You planned to become in- 
volved in Russian businesses. What hap- 
pened to the company you founded to 
do it? 

Zappa: Since | got sick, nothing hap- 
pened. The idea was that there are a lot 


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PLAYBOY 


68 


of small- to medium-sized U.S. compa- 
nies that would like to have access to raw 
materials, patents, processes or other 
things they don’t know about that exist 
in Russia or other countries. A nation 
that plays chess that well, and where you 
can still get 15,000 people to show up to 
hear somebody read poetry, has some- 
thing going for it. There's a brain at 
work there. I suspect that because of 
their economic condition they've found 
ways to use string, chewing gum, re- 
processed turnips—whatever they use 
to do things in a way that we haven't 
thought of. Somebody needs to go 
snooping around to find out what's 
there and try to put those people togeth- 
er with American investors. It would 
help both countries. That's what I was 
going to do. It was a better solution than 
having the Russian scientists flock out of 
there to get jobs making weapons for the 
Arabs or the Indians. 

PLAYBOY: Sometimes you sound like a 
political candidate. How serious was 
your plan to run for president? 

ZAPPA: I wanted to do it. It's a bit hard to 
mount a campaign if you have cancer 
and don't feel well 

PLAYBOY: If you hadn't been ill, would 
you have run? 

Zappa: Yeah. And its a shame. We got 
calls and mail throughout the election. 
Squadrons of volunteers called. 
PLAYBOY: If you had run and won, what 
would President Zappa have done? 
ZAPPA: I would have started by disman- 
Шив the government. At least I would 
have presented the idea to the voters. 
PLAYBOY: Nothing too revolutionary? 
Zappa: In the Beltway and places that 
have large federal payrolls, the idea 
wouldn't be too popular, but in other 
places people would think it's great. One 
strong selling point is that you could do 
away with federal income taxes, or at 
least reduce them to a point that people 
would have something left at the end of 
the week. In the end, I think people, in 
their enlightened self-interest, would 
consider voting for that. 

PLAYBOY: If you dismantled the govern- 
ment, you'd put yourself out of a job. 
ZAPPA: No, because most reasonable 
people would agree that we need roads, 
for instance, and water you can drink 
and breathable air. Most people realize 
that there has to be some coordinated in- 
frastructure and a national offense that 
is commensurate with whatever threat 
you feel from other countries. 

PLAYBOY: National offense? 

ZAPPA: 1 mean—well, what we have now 
is national offense. We should have na- 
tional defense. 

PLAYBOY: You've said that you're not a 
peaceni 
ZAPPA: Human nature and human stu- 
pidity often breed violence. When vio- 
lence escalates to an international con- 


frontation, you should be able to protect 
yourself. On the other hand, to plan for 
it—like we did throughout the Cold 
War—based on badly handled intelli- 
gence estimates of the threat to our п: 
tional security is just stupid. Most intell 
gence estimates indicated that the Soviet 
Union was a crumbling rust heap that 
couldn't do shit to us, but they were ig- 
nored in order to maintain the level of 
employment and financial activity in the 
defense industry. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that our recent 
election was irrelevant? 

ZAPPA: Yes, because America has to be 
completely restructured. We have to 


question every institution in terms of 


efficiency. I'm serious about abandoning 
the federal system. 

PLAYBOY: Is there any way that it's likely 
to happen? 

Zappa: Not this week, but I wish people 
would at least consider it. They think, 
There it is, we're stuck with it, it will go 
on forever. It doesn't have to. The Soviet. 
Union didn't go on forever. If you want 
reform, the people who've been doing a 
bad job have to get fired. They have to 


"Do we need to see 
John Sununu as a 
talk-show guy? Or 
Gordon Liddy or 
Oliver North? Some of 
these people are criminals.” 


go back to the used-car lot from where 
they came. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you've always pushed peo- 
ple to vote. Why bother? 

Zappa: Even if you don't like the candi- 
dates, there are issues that affect your 
life. Bond issues affect your pocketbook. 
"That's the only real reason for voting. As 
lar as the rest of government is con- 
cerned, forget it. The amount of over- 
staffing, overlapping, wasted energy and 
pompous pscudograndeur is science 
fiction. All of it is supported by this uni- 
verse of political talk shows. CNN is one 
of the worst offenders on the planet. It 
maintains the fiction of the theoretical 
value of the thoughts and words of these 
inferior human specimens who manage 
to become Beltway insiders. 

PLAYBOY: Do you want to name names? 
ZAPPA: Do we need to see John Sununu 
as a talk-show guy? Or, on CNBC, Gor- 
don Liddy or Oliver North? Let's face it: 
Some of these people are criminals. Why 
do we need to be presented with them as 
voices of authority whose opinions are 
something we should even waste our 
time with? Why? 


PLAYBOY: What do you think is behind it? 
ZAPPA: It’s a whole program designed to 
modify behavior and modify thinking on 
a national level. They're happy to take 
the slings and arrows of the outraged 
minority in order to keep these voices of 
stupidity in your face all the time. It's all 
propaganda. 

PLAYBOY: How planned is it? 

Zappa: Completely. It is the residue of. 
the domestic-diplomacy department 
that Reagan established during the Ігап- 
contra days. The idea was to control the 
news. From that office, a guy would 
make phone calls and certain journalists 
would get fired and news stories would 
get changed. Then it was the obvious 
control of the media we saw during the 
Gulf war. 

PLAYBOY: So you maintain that the media 
are no more than pawns? 

Zappa: The media are part of the pack- 
age. You think really liberal people own 
those outlets? I don't. Even if they were 
Democrats, it wouldn't mean anything, 
because who can tell the difference be- 
tween those two criminal classes? 


PLAYBOY: It sounds as if you are as cyni- 
cal as ever. 
ZAPPA: It’s hard not to be. 


PLAYBOY: Yet you feel it's worthwhile to 
raise some hell? 

ZAPPA: Pessimism and the natural in- 
stinct to raise hell are not mutually ex- 
clusive. Raising hell comes naturally to 
me. Still, 1 am not optimistic about what 
will happen to this country unless some 
radical change is made. It’s going to take 
more than just firing a few bad guys. 
PLAYBOY: You were involved in politics 
firsthand when you tried to stop record 
companies from being forced to label 
records, much like movies are rated. 
Your opponents got their way. Has it had 
any impact? 

ТАРРА: A chilling impact. 

PLAYBOY: How? Don't you think that the 
warning stickers help sales? Kids want 
stuff with bad words. 

ZAPPA: But groups that are getting 
signed to recording contracts are being 
told what they can and cannot sing. 
PLAYBOY: That doesn't ring true. It seems 
that there is less censorship than ever. 
“Motherfucker” is almost requisite to 
rap songs. In heavy metal, Axl Rose 
screams, "Suck my fucking dick!" What's 
being censored? 

ZAPPA: If it’s some guy selling thirty mil- 
lion records, the record company isnt 
going in with scissors. But the new bands 
just signing up have no leverage. They 
do what they are told. 

PLAYBOY: Many of the rap artists aren't 
selling millions. 

ZAPPA: But they're on shaky ground. 
Time Warner was ready to succumb to 
the protests over Cop Killer before Ice-T 
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responsible if they in any way influence 
someone to commit a crime. The record 
companies are worried 

PLAYBOY: You obviously don't believe 
songs can make people kill or rape or 
commit suicide. 

ZAPPA: There are more love songs than. 
anything else. If songs could make you 
do something, we'd all love one another. 
Violence in songs functions the same 
way violence in movies does. In Lethal 
Weapon, people get blown up, mashed 
and mutilated. The people in the audi- 
ence would never do anything like that. 
PLAYBOY: Have you been censored? 
ZAPPA: No. 1 do what I want to do, 
though there are certain socially retard- 
ed areas where my records are not to be 
seen. That's one of the reasons we have a 
mail-order business. There's this ludi 
crous fear of the power of music ma 
festing itself in the corruption of the 
youth of America. It’s idiotic. But cen- 
sorship, in effect, is turning the United 
States into a police state, as far as ideas 
go. It's not about children learning dirty 
words. It's about putting a lid on ideas. 
Whatever they don't want to confront, 
whether it's about sex or racism or any- 
thing else, is what they want to censo 
One way to shut off the avenues of 
sent isto put a lid on rock and roll. Then 
come books and everything else. But 
censorship is communism. Why are we 
buying into communist suppression at a 


time when everybody else in the world 
has realized that it doesn't work? 

The people who want to censor do not 
care about saving your children. They 
care about one thing—getting reelected 
Let's face it, folks: Politicians in the Unit- 
ed States are the scum of the earth. We 
have to go after them individually be- 
cause they re varmints. The legislation 
they are passing, piece by piece, converts 
America into a police state. The mentali- 
ty that has existed since Reagan and 
Bush is that the population of the Unit- 
ed States has to be subjugated by law. 
PLAYBOY: Did the record industry fight 
the labeling hard enough? 
zappa: The record companies are inter- 
ested in one thing, which is making a 
profit. If Cop Killer sells millions of 
records, they are happy about it. They 
are not happy when police officers’ pen- 
sion funds sell their Time Warner stock 
and people boycott Time magazine. 
PLAYBOY: [t must have been strange for 
you when Al Gore was nominated as vice 
president. 

Zappa: They felt it was a good way to 
counteract the Dan Quayle-family val- 
ues nonsense. But why would anybody 
need to counteract Dan Quayle? 
PLAYBOY: They obviously didn't саге 
about your vote—or the vote of the peo- 
ple concerned about Tipper's ratings 
campaign. 

ZAPPA: Not necessarily. Deep in their 


hearts, those politicos think they're real- 
ly cagey strategists. They figured they'd 
get a certain amount of column inches 
because of Tipper. It was advertising 
they didn’t have to buy 

PLAYBOY: Your song Trouble Coming Every 
Day, about the Watts riots, could have 
been written about the more recent L.A. 
upheaval 

Zappa: The only part that wasn't apro- 
pos was the woman driver getting ma- 
chine-gunned in half because she drove 
through a stop sign. 

PLAYBOY: What were you doing during 
the riots? 

ZAPPA: | taped them from top to bottom 
while flipping through the channels. 1 
got it from every angle that 1 could, 
some amazing stuff, things that weren't 
reported nationally. 

PLAYBOY: For instance? 

Zappa: Shots of a group of soldier: 
barracks in Orange County wearing 
Desert Storm nerve-gas clothing. Now 
either the Crips and Bloods had nerve 
gas or there were some plans of dealing 
sternly with the rioters. 

PLAYBOY; What did you do with the 
recordings? 

ZAPPA: When I performed in Germany, 
we had television sets in the bar during 
intermission showing the finest of Amer- 
ican cultural entertainment. On one set, 
nonstop riot. On another, nonstop 
televangelists, On another, C-SPAN. On 


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71 


PLAYBOY 


72 


another, Desert Storm. You got to have 
your light beer and watch the American 
media at its finest. 

PLAYBOY: You said that you couldn't do 
some things you wanted to—including 
running for president—because of your 


illness. How else has cancer affected 
your life? 
ZAPPA: The minute somebody tells you 


you have cancer, your life changes dra- 
matically, whether you beat it or you 
don't. It’s like you have a fucking brand 
put on you. As far as the American med- 
ical profession goes, you're just meat. It 
complicates your life because you have 
то fight for your life every single day, be- 
sides doing your shit. To do the music is 
complicatcd cnough, but to think of do- 
ing things that involve travel and other 
kinds of physical stress is too much. 
Whatever medication you take fucks you 
up, too. 

PLAYBOY: Are you currently taking any 
medication? 

ТАРРА: I'm forty pounds overweight be- 
cause the stuff that Im taking fills me up 
with water. I’m a walking balloon. You 
can't just take an Advil or a Nuprin and 
forget about it. It's а fucking battle. 
PLAYBOY: Can you travel, or do you have 
to stay close to your doctors? 

Zappa: Well, you do have to be tested pe- 
riodically, every couple of months. You 
want to be close to a doctor you tr 
You wouldn't want to go to a Russian 
hospital. That could put you out of busi- 
ness in a big hurry. A friend of mine was 
in an auto accident there and wound up 
in a Russian hospital. They had no anes- 
thesia and no disposable syringes. As the 
doctor was setting her leg without anes- 
thesia, he said, “Nobody ever died from 
pain." 

PLAYBOY: How long have you known 
about your cancer? 

ZAPPA: | found out about it in the spring 
of 1990. 

PLAYBOY: It hit out of the blue? 

ZAPPA: I'd been feeling sick for a number 
of years, but nobody diagnosed it. Then 
I got really ill and had to go to the hos- 
pital in an emergency. While I was in 
there, they did some tests and found out 
it had been there for anywhere from 
eight to ten years, growing undetected 
by any of my previous doctors. By the 
time they found it, it was inoperable. 
PLAYBOY: How about other treatments? 
ТАРРА: | went through radiation and 
that fucked me up pretty good. They 
were supposed to give me twelve shots of 
that, but I got to number eleven and I 
was so sick that I I couldn't go back. 
PLAYBOY: Was it helping? 

ZAPPA: 1 don't want to dwell on all the 
morbid details of what happened to me, 
but I'll summarize it. When I went into 
the hospital, the cancer had grown to 
where I could no longer take a piss. In 


order for me just to survive, they had to 
poke a hole in my bladder. I spent more 
than a year with a hose coming out of my 
bladder and a bag tied to my leg. That'll 
keep you from traveling. The result of 
the radiation was that the tumor was 
shrunken to the point where I could get 
rid of the bag and could piss again, but 
there were bad side effects. I don't want 
to talk about it. It's not a picnic. 
PLAYBOY: It scems that you can still do a 
lot of the things you care about—com- 
posing, at least. 

Zappa: Some days you can do more of it 
than others. Part of the problem is that it 
hurts to sit some days, and this work is 
done sitting at a computer terminal. 1 
used to be able to work sixteen, eighteen 
hours a day and just get up from my 
chair and go to sleep and go back to 
work, and it was fine. But some days I 
can't work at all. Some days I can work 
two hours. Some days 1 can work ten. 
PLAYBOY: How does it affect your life with 
your family? 

ТАРРА: Well, it’s not a secret around 
here. They're very nice to me. They take 
care of me. 


"What can you do? 
People get sick. 
Sometimes they can 
fix it and sometimes 


they can't." 


PLAYBOY: 15 it an emotional roller coaster 
for you? 

ZAPPA: The emotional aspect is more 
influenced by the drugs than it is by the. 
idea that you're sick. What can you do? 
Feople get sick. Sometimes they can fix it. 
and sometimes they can't. But the chem- 
icals that they give you to treat it take a 
toll. The week before last I found myself 
in the hospital for three days riddled 
with morphine. That was definitely an 
experience I don't want to repeat. When 
I got out, it took almost ten days to get 
the residue of all the drugs they'd given 
me out of my body 

PLAYBOY: At a certain point it must be 
confusing about what's making you sick, 
the drugs or the disease. 

ТАРРА: 1011 really turn you around. It's 
difficult if you are the boss of a company, 
even a little company like mine, and you 
have to make decisions about what's go- 
ing on and you can't trust your own de- 
cisions because you don't know, chemi- 
cally, what's happening. It's also difficult 
not to know how you're going to be one 
day to the next. The only rea 
agreed to do this interview at this 


was I thought I was reasonably clear 
enough to have a conversation. That's 
debilitating. If you can't trust your own 
judgment, thats really hard. When 
you're writing music, every note you put 
down is a judgment call. 

PLAYBOY: We've been talking for hours 
and yet you scem tircless. 

ZAPPA: You got me on a good day. I 
mean, tomorrow 1 could be flat on my 
back in bed. So you get to be very time- 
budget conscious. Certain things are 
time-consuming and the time spent do- 
ing them is productive. Other things are 
time-consuming and it's like being hi- 
jacked. I have a low tolerance for w: 
ing time. I try not to be irritable about it, 
but it’s my main concern. I'm trying to 
live my life the same way that I lived it 
before, without indulging in any of the 
things that would waste ume. 

PLAYBOY: Some people would retire—go 
to live their life out on some beach. 
Zappa: Not me. I'm less inclined to trav- 
el, less inclined to lcave the house for 
any reason, just because I happen to like 
my life in this place, and I like my family 
PLAYBOY: How does it influence the mu- 


` sic you're writing now? 


ZAPPA: I don't think it does now, though 
it did for a while. It's so uncomfortable 
to work, you may be tempted to say that 
done when it's not done. 
ally can't stand to work on it 
anymore. During one period, I was 
working on some pieces that I let go be- 
fore their time. Since they hadn't been 
released yet, as I gradually felt better, I 
went back and worked on them to make 
sure that the level of competence was 
maintained. 

PLAYBOY: But hasn't it affected the mood 
of the music? 

No, I haven't started writing sad 
ime is the thing. Time is every- 
thing. How to spend time. We all want 
something to do with our minds, The 
choices are a major human preoccupa- 
tion. The people who find the easiest 
solutions, like beer and football, might 
be happier if they had just a litle di- 
mension to their lives. But most people, 
once they achieve a certain level of 
gratification for time disposal, don't go 
beyond it. They already know how good 
they're going to feel when a football 
game comes on, and they have their 
beer. They don't want to know beyond 
that. They build a life around it. 

It’s been the same for me since I got 
cancer as it was before. І have to look 
way beyond the football game and the 
can of beer. Once Гуе gone out there 
and dabbled on that fringe, I feel as if 1 
may as well bring some artifacts back, in 
case anybody else is intereste 
what I do. I come back and go, “Here it 
This is what happened after the foot- 


ball game." 


| 


| Relax with the richness of Red. 


eN AE 
SNC И 
aA MSS 9 


FD 


| | Bee 
| Richer intaste \== 
g 


E WERE 200 miles off 
the Pacific coast of 
Mexico, running for 
Acapulco through 
furious 16-foot walls of green 
water, when I first felt the gravit 
of the choice the radical envi- 
ronmentalists have made. It is a 
choice that our nation avoids in a 
kind of paralysis, because its ram- 
ifications are so profound. 
They are trying to force us to de- 
cide whether or not we are honest- 
ly going to allow nonhuman spe- 


cies to thrive on this planet any- 
more. We must choose which real- 
ity to honor: the biological or the 
political. In this country those 
who have chosen the biological re- 


are labeled radicals. 

‘his was February 1992, when 
I was on patrol in the eastern 
tropical Pacific with the Sea 
Shepherd Conservation Society. 
The volunteer pirate crew was 
prowling for tuna seiner boats, 
which use nets that kill dolphins. 
The crew planned to take their 


alit: 


650-ton trawler, the Sea Shepherd 
II, and ram a seiner in hopes of 
crippling the tuna boat's Huge 
winches or cutting its nets. The 
Shepherds and thousands of other 
like-minded Americans are en- 
gaged in a revolution that goes 
аг beyond politics but is not yet 
open civil war. Forget those mis- 
leading owls-versus-jobs features 
you’ve been fed on the evening 
news, that war-in-the-woods crap. 
The conflict spearheaded by 
the eco radicals is a struggle 


ECO WARRIORS 


they venture into the wilderness— 
sometimes beyond the law—to wage 


battle in defense of mother earth 


article 


By DEAN KUIPERS 


SCULPTURE BY PARVIZ SADIGHIAN 


PLAYBOY 


76 


with ourselves, earth's superpredators. 

The Shepherds and their allies 
choose to preserve an ocean, not a fish 
farm scoured of competing predators 
and large mammals. They choose a 
North America that supports living 
terconnected wilderness, not intensive- 
ly managed гоо parks. 

Before the storm I was in the galley 
of the Sea Shepherd II peeling a man- 
go in 100 degree swelter and talking 
with one of the crew about efforts to 
reintroduce the grizzly bear to south- 
ern Colorado. At that moment the Sea 
Shepherd's mission had nothing to do 
with grizzlies—but the bears had every- 
thing to do with the choice. 

We know more now about the biolo- 
gy of wildness than ever before, and 
that makes some people crazy with 
fear. They worry how much we will 
have to lose personally if we commit to 
saving every species. A hobby? A job? 
An industry? 

Everyone seems desperate for a com- 
promise, but only a handful of people 
have the gall to point out that any fur- 
ther compromise means that grizzlies 
and Florida panthers and a raft of oth- 
ill simply be dead, if they 
haven't been killed off already. And so 
we decide like cowards: by default. 

Folks don't like to be told they arc 
in denial, or that they bave to be the 
st generation to sacrifice the Amei 
can dream, and those are two reasoi 
radical environmentalists are so hated. 
"There's also the fact that if you get in 
their way, they'll sink your boator spike 
your woodlot or torch your backhoe. 

I don't know why that hit me so hard 
falling through the spray off the Gulf of. 
Tehuantepec at two A.M. Perhaps it was 
the tooth-grinding speed of the antihi 
tamines I got in Panama, or the yawn- 
ing green face of death trying to swal- 
low the bow every minute or so. Maybe 
it was because the crew of fierce eco- 
teurs had left a photographer and me 
at the helm while they lay on the floor 
trying not to be seasick. At that mo- 
ment it looked as if their hands-on ap- 
proach to environmentalism would kill 
us all. 

I had boarded the Sea Shepherd п 
to dig out what these eco warriors 
mean to our society, in the sense that 
hippies meant something to America in 
the Sixties and punks meant something 
to the suburbs in the Seventies. What I 
found is that these people al: defer 
to what dolphins mean, or what 800- 
year-old redwoods mean. I've ended 
up with a portrait of wilderness as a 
player in a human conflict, a living en- 
tity with real needs, even desires. 
These couple thousand wild men and 
women have just loaned the wilderness 


their voices, their faces. And that 


changes everything. 


When I asked Mike Roselle to tell me 
about his favorite action, or ecode- 
fense, he didn’t hesitate. It was the one 
that earned him the small army of ene- 
mies who now speak of him with homi- 
cide in their voices. 

A band of desert saboteurs from 
Earth First resolved in 1989 to put an 
end to the des motorcycle race 
called the Barstow to Vegas, which ran 
through the East Mojave ic area, a 
prospective national park and habitat 
of the desert tortoise, kangaroo rat and 
other creatures. 

“The night before the race, we took a 
trailerload of railroad ties and four-by- 
eights down to the track,” remembers 
Roselle, a former oil-field roughneck 
and one of the five men who cooked up 
the idea for Earth First on a camping 
trip to Mexico's Sonora Desert in 1980. 
"See, they had to go under Interstate 
Fifteen. There was this tunnel about six 
feet wide, eight feet high and one hun- 
dred fifty feet long that was made for 
water to go through. We built this cube 
to the size of the culvert, and at night 
we set it up in the mi 

“I want you to picture this,” snaps 
Rick Siemans, senior editor of Dirt Bike 
magazine and head of the Sahara Club, 
а race sponsor. “Here are top expert 
riders going a hundred and ten miles 
per hour down a sand wash at eleven 
o'clock, sun directly overhead, coal- 
black shadows, dust on their goggles, 
and they're going to dart through th 
shadow, assumedly, and go to the other 
side. If our people hadn't spotted that, 
they would have killed a half-dozen 
riders.” 

Roselle says there were rules that the 
riders were supposed to walk the 
bikes through that culw 
says there weren't. Whoever is right, 
the conflict born in that moment shows 
why neither the Sierra Club, the 
Wilderness Society nor other desert 
protection leaders can openly cheer for 
Earth First. In this case, though, EF 
won. The next year the government 
closed the course. 

And now there's a grudge. Around 
that time, a Sahara Club member 
called his pals to say someone at a local 
bar had keyed the paint and slashed 
the tires on his $30,000 work tuck, 
which had Sahara Club stickers on it. 

Siemans and his pals went to the bar 
the next week and parked a van in the 
ваше spot, stuck with so many stic 
“looked like a rolling billboard.” ze 

art with relish: “ 
didn't take twenty minutes and m 
came two guys outside. Long hair, 


scraggly-ass beards, the prototype ear- 
rings, the red shirts with the clenched 
fists [EF shirts]. They were geting 
ready to do the job on this van. 

“We have our special division called 
the Sahara Clubbers,” he continues, 
"and I'm the smallest. I'm five-foot- 
nine, two hundred twenty 
Big Terry is our biggest. He's six: 
three sixty-five. We jumped out and 
confronted these two boys. One of 
them was so upset he pissed himself 
right on the spot. We said, ‘We're 
gonna let you boys be a warning. The 
next group we catch, we're gonna 
break fingers and kneecap: 

“We then handcuffed them face-to- 
face around a big tree. We slit their 
clothes off, left them bare-ass naked. 
Spray-painted their asses fluorescent 
orange and then called the cops and 
told them we'd apprehended a couple 
car thieves. 

“That was our message to Earth 
First. If they fucked with us again, Sa- 
hara Clubbers were simply going to 
take baseball bats and do the justice 


+ that the authorities wouldn't do.” 


The EF boys violated rule number 
two of direct action. The first rule—co- 
dified by Edward Abbey, whose novel 
The Monkey Wrench Gang was an inspi 
ration for EF—is to honor all life and 
not hurt anyone. Abbey's second rule: 
Don't get caught. 


The National Wildlife Federation, 
the largest environmental group in the 
U.S., compiles a national directory list- 
ing some 2000 conservation groups. 
But only a couple of these groups are 
radical—eco warriors, green guerrillas, 
biodiversity acti part of the deep 
ecology movement. 

We don't have a tidy name for these 
groups, but I define them this way: 
One, they base campaigns on a no- 
compromise stance that reflects biolog- 
ical necessity. Two, they spend their 
time and money on direct action. That 
means they try to prevent environmen- 
tal degradation by, for instance, locking 
their necks to bulldozers with kryp- 
tonite locks, by occupying trees or by 
freeing fur-farm animals. ‘Three, they 
are grass roots groups with no pay, no 
perks and no corporate flowcharts. 

In the U.S., we're talking about only 
a few major groups. There's Earth 
First, a loose, slowly growing network 
of 1300 to 2000 guerrillas all over 
North America. Anybody who wants to 
can secure a list of EF contacts, com- 
plete with names and phone numbers. 

Then there are the Sea Shepher 
the original no-compromise comman- 
dos launched in 1977 by former 

(continued on page 122 


“Exploration has a measure of romance and adventure, I suppose. I do 
it just to get out of the house.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


TEXT BY 
CRAIG VETTER 


F ALL THE erotic things а 
woman can say to a man, there’s 
hardly a phrase more electric 
than “Would you like to see my 
tattoo?” I stammered the first 
time I heard that question. It 
wasn't that I didn’t know the an- 
swer. It's just that it’s hard to be 
entirely cool when your imagina- 
tion is awash in its own questions: 
A butterfly? A unicorn? A tiger, 
maybe? And was she on her 
stomach when the artist with the 
inky needle went to work? Or on 
her back, watching as a little rose 
bloomed in some secret place, a 
corsage that would last forever, 
that only lucky boys would see? 
And what kind of woman adorns 
herself with emblems that no 
thief can steal? All kinds of 
women, it turns out: lawyers, 
housewives, nurses, teachers. 
Back in the Sixties, when Janis 
Joplin showed the world her tat- 
toos, skin art on women was 
pretty racy stuff. Now, tattooists 
say, half their customers are 
women, and if that's a surprise, it 
probably shouldn't be. Women 
have always been bolder and 
more adventuresome than men 
in their decorations. In fact, the 
oldest known tattoo was found 
on the mummy of an Egyptian 
priestess, who wore it as a badge 


Diamonds are forever—and so are 
tattoos. Los Angeles singer Elisa 
Laub (right) sporis on eagle—a sym- 
bol of pride—on her shoulder. Af 
left, tatioo artist Gill Mantie of Tattoo. 
Mania in L.A. paints o single rose 
опа a Rabbit far madel Julia Tovella. 


attoo Jou 


fine art for the nineties and, oh, what a lovely canvas 79 


or Moy 1991 Playmcte Corrie Yozel 
(above), nude sunbathing lets her flount temporary 
tattoos guaranteed to delight any football fan. Body 
painters Kristine Rose (lef) and February 1993 
Ploymate Jennifer LeRoy (right) flash their flesh. 


of nobility, bravery and beauty 4000 years ago. 
Dermographics have come a long way since 
then, a long way, even, from 30 years ago, 
when sailors and bikers sat to have hearts and 
Harley eagles scratched on their arms and 
backs. These days, tattoo art can be high art. 
Color and technique have evolved to a level 
that has drawn serious artists away from can- 
vas and paper and toward skin. “Your design 
or ours,” say their ads. Anything that can be 
painted can be tattooed, from fierce Oriental 
designs to dreamy fantasy landscapes that 
seem to have been done with an airbrush. 
Over the past few years, tattooists have created 
anew adornment for women. They call it for- 
ever makeup: eyebrows that never need trim- 
ming, eyeliner that never runs, beauty marks 
that nature had no hand in—even the rosy 
blush around the cheekbones can be tattooed 
in, once and for all, instead of brushed on 
every morning. Still, no matter what, it's the 
secret tattoos that mark a woman for who she 
is, or who she wants to be. I'm thinking of a 
particular woman, a particular tattoo, when 
I say this. But I have always taken the little 


82 


symbols that lie just below the bodice or 
just above the hemline to be clues to cer- 
tain mysteries I will never unravel. We 
were on a plane together, just across the 
aisle from each other, on а puddle-jump 
flight from Aspen to Denver. She was 
wearing a cowgirl shirt and jeans, a ring 
on every finger and a smile that could 
have flown me over the mountains with- 
out an airplane. It was a warm spring af- 
ternoon and the sky was bubbling with the 
kind of thunderheads that promise a 
bumpy ride, maybe worse. Just before we 
took off, one of the huge white clouds be- 
gan shedding rain from one of its edges 
“Look,” she said, grabbing my arm, 
pulling me toward the window on her side 
of the plane. “A rainbow, a triple rainbow. 
Do you know what that means?” I had no 
idea what it meant, except that she had 
grabbed my arm and was trying to pull me 
into her lap, or so it seemed. I looked out 
the little window and there it was—a beau- 
tiful three-tiered, full-spectrum arc of 
color floating vividly against the smudgy 
bottom of the thunderhead. “This is 
unbelievable,” she said. “I don’t know 
anybody who's ever seen a triple rainbow 
This is pure magic.” It looked like physics 
to me, but I didn't say that. In fact, I didn't 
say much during the 40 minutes it took us 
to cloud-hop over the mountains to Sta- 
pleton. Mostly, I just smiled and listened 
while she talked about the power of signs 
and omens, the wisdom of astrology and 
the magic of talismans, including every 
ring on her fingers and the birthstone that 
hung around her pretty neck. I was trying 
to keep the skepticism off my face, but she 
must have picked it up, anyway. Just be- 
fore we went our separate ways in the air- 
port, she (text concluded on page 161) 


1 left, o graceful mer- 
maid odarns madel Ѕһопое Rud- 
dell's neck. Vidal's daughter, actress 
Colyo Sassoon (right), and Alina 
Thompson (below) eoch get cheeky 
with their intimate body ort. 


(7 attaas for the indiscreet: Melanie Goad (abave left) and December 
1991 Playmate Wendy Hamilton (above right) spend time shawing aff 
their masterpieces at an L.A. bistra. The couple that tattoos together: 
October 1987 Playmate Brandi Brandt (right ond apposite page) 
enjays same quality time with her hubby, Métley Crüe's Nikki Sixx. 


t У 
һоуу to Make time with H e ft HI enfrar ch sed babe 


86 


FLIRTING 
WITH FEMINISTS 


AM a feminist. 
Honest. 
So why doesn’t she believe me? Because I look 


like a big lug? Because I have a five o'clock shadow 
and hit the golf ball from the back tees? Listen, sis- 
ter, don’t discriminate against me just because I 
have a touch of testosterone running through my 
veins. You don't have to be feminine to be a femi- 
nist—you just have to believe. And deep in my 
heart I do believe she shall overcome some day. 

I believe that women are equal. I believe they 
have equal rights. I believe in equal opportunity. I 
believe in equal pay for equal work. 1 believe 
women should have the right to choose and to ex- 
ercise control over their own bodies and their own 
lives. I believe everybody should wear the pants. I 
believe that the patriarchy should be abolished and 
replaced by a nonsexist sodety. And still I get in 
trouble. 

I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to open that door for 
you. It just happened. Hey, 1 would have opened it 
for your brother, OK? I wasn't singling you out. 
Why am I walking on the curb side of the sidewalk? 
Force of habit, 1 guess. Why am I getting up when 
you come to the table? Just stretching. Why am 1 
lighting your cigarette for you? I give up. Am I try- 


ing to kill you? Let’s face it, you can’t deprogram 
yourself overnight from years of training as a gen- 
Четап. The rise of feminism has created a host of 
challenges, even for the most sympathetic men. 
Take me. Please. 

Women are on the lookout for sexism, and that 
means we had better be, too. We might mean well, 
but as Lou Reed sang, “between thought and ex- 
pression lies а lifetime.” We males have to watch the 
way we talk. It's humankind, not mankind. It's ac- 
tor, not actress. And, of course, it's mailperson, not 
mailman, chairperson, not chairman, spokesper- 
son, not spokesman, etc. That stuff is almost auto- 
matic by now. 

Then there's the case of the pronoun. When we 
have to use a pronoun that has no clear gender 


article by glenn o'brien 


ILLUSTRATION EY VICTOR SADOWSKI 


PLAYBOY 


88 


antecedent, we can always use they or 
them—sure it’s plural, but so what? It's 
not sexist. Even better to use she. I like 
to think of it as an affirmative-action 
pronoun. The masculine gender has 
always been given the nod. Using the 
feminine may help correct some yin- 
yang imbalance out there in the mass 
consciousness. 

Then there are terms of endear- 
ment. When I call a woman darling, 
sweetheart or baby, I guarantee you it’s 
a consensual act. Ї don’t say it unless I 
know it will be accepted in the same af- 
fectionate and egalitarian spirit in 
which it was dispatched. You have to be 
careful about this, though. You don’t 
want honey to be taken as a form of 
verbal abuse. I never address a female 
waitperson as “hon” unless she does it 
first. And just to be on the safe side, I 
call my male buddies honey, darling, 
sweetheart and baby, too. Some women 
may question my manhood, but at least 
they'll know that when "babe" slips out, 
it's an equal-opportunity babe. 

Of course, some wordsare best unut- 
tered. Bitch, for example, has few re- 
deeming uses outside the canine world. 
Chick seems to be a word to avoid, 
though I admit I remember it with 
some affection and use it occasionally 
in certain circles. Generally speaking, 
words that characterize women as ani- 
mals, fruits or vegetables are going to 
be met with consternation by feminists. 
Certainly, foxes and tomatoes have ex- 
cellent qualities, but women prefer 
more original terms of flattery. Genius 
makes a very good substitute for fox, 
and prodigy will never offend anyone 
as a substitute for tomato. 

When it comes to disparaging epi- 
thets, the C word is a must to avoid. For 
some reason it is a lot worse to refer to 
someone as the female sex organ than 
as the male sex organ. I have never 
been taken to task for calling someone 
a dickhead, but now I won't even call 
someone the feline P word when chid- 
ing them for lack of bravery. I've gone 
back to scaredy-cat and, heck, I feel 
like I'm enriching the vernacular. 

Just as we must learn to separate 
men from boys we must distinguish the 
girls from the women. Girls are the 
ones under the age of consent. Some 
women like to be called girls, but this 
must be judged on a case-by-case basis. 
Gal, a term that can be used with true 
warmth, may be taken by a woman in 
the same way that a black man may 
take the term boy. You may get away 
with it in the usage “guys and gals,” but 
otherwise it could be mistaken for a 
term of paternalistic condescension or 
overfamiliarity. A surprising number of 


women call one another guys, but it's 
probably not a good idea for guys to 
call gals guys unless there's an obvious 
level of understanding already at work. 
But maybe if you call the guys gals, oc- 
casionally you can call the gals guys. 

Touching is a touchy area. It can be a 
warm and pleasant social grace and, of 
course, it can fall into the wrong hands. 
Where I come from, we kiss everybody 
we like. On the other hand, we don’t 
pinch butts unless we know for sure— 
and I do mean for sure—that the per- 
son is waiting for it. But I know that in 
other parts of the country, kissing and 
touching are not such casual things 
and can easily be taken for, and in some 
cases be, aggressive behavior. 

That’s why I think our culture has to 
take the fear out of friendly touching. 
If you don't want women to be afraid of 
your touch, don't be afraid to touch 
other gentlemen. 1 think equal oppor- 
tunity, Eurostyle double-cheek kissing. 
is a good thing for the hetero guy. Con- 
sider it a strategy to make kissing 
women’s cheeks politically correct as а 
part of a non-gender-specific cultural 
practice. Or you could consider it sim- 
ply a warm way to express true affec- 
tion. In either case, it's also great fun to 
do in front of, or to, your father-in-law. 

As far as gentlemanly acts toward 
women go, I don't think it’s a good 
idea to dump them altogether. Most of 
these practices are simply courtesies, 
and courtesies are not something the 
world can afford fewer of. Once upon a 
time, a man rose from his chair if a 
woman arrived at his table. He opened 
doors for her, he offered to help if she 
was burdened with packages. Today 
these practices have been abandoned 
by many who consider themselves gen- 
tlemen. Perhaps they consider them- 
selves nonsexist, but many women who 
find a door slamming in their face con- 
sider their behavior inconsiderate. 

‘Today we find nonsexist men keep- 
ing their seats on buses while pregnant 
women with bags of groceries stand 
lurching in the aisles. Courtesy should 
be genderless. Why not stand when a 
man you respect arrives at your table? 
Why not open doors for your friends 
regardless of gender and help anyone 
struggling with a burden? Remember, 
if everyone were truly courteous, there 
would be no need for armies, police or 
Clarence Thomas. 

As to the question of whether a man 
should offer his arm to a woman, a man 
should offer his arm to anyone wearing 
very high heels, platforms or to first- 
time Rollerbiade wearers. 

The biggest problem encountered 
by hetero males in intergender rela- 
tionships isn't so much getting along 
with feminist women friends as it is be- 
ing attracted to еті 


1 am attracted to feminists. 1 am not 
what you would call a breast man or a 
leg man. I am a brain man. That's what 
I find most attractive about a woman. 
And that's not really so wacky, because 
the brain is the most sexual organ. 
And, basically, the women with the 
most desirable brains are feminists. 

A real feminist is the best kind of 
partner a he-man could want. Who's 
going to pull the wool over a guy's 
eyes? Who's going to take him for a 
ride? Who's going to sit around eating 
bonbons all day while he's bringing 
home the bacon? Who's going to take 
him for all he's worth in divorce court? 
Not a {е . Not a real feminist. A 
real feminist is enlightened and inde- 
pendent and the ideal sex partner for 
the ideal hetero man we hetero males 
should strive to be. 

If a heterosexual man is looking for 
a real partner, he is looking for a femi- 
nist woman. Otherwise, he winds up 
unchallenged, unfulfilled and quite 
unhappy come the revolution. 


But dating in the age of feminism 
presents many delicate problems, some 
of which don’t have easy answers. Like, 
who pays? When on a date, should the 
man offer to pay? In my 1928 edition 
of Etiquette, by Emily Post, she writes on 
the “Awkward Questions of Payment”: 
“It is becoming much less customary 
than it used to be for a gentleman to of- 
fer to pay a lady's way.” Well, you've 
come a long way, baby. I don't mind 
paying for a woman once in a while, 
but I think it's good for women to pay, 
too. À woman who gets equal pay 
should get equal tabs. Especially if she 
can put it on her expense account. And 
there's always going dutch. 

However, an avowed feminist friend 
of mine says that men should pay more 
of the cost of dates because women are 
required to spend much more on their 
appearance. I don't know if I go along 
with the high-upkcep theory, but I ad- 
mit that I like manicured, pedicured, 
coiffured, made-up, thoroughly 
waxed, sublimely scented and erotical- 
ly lingeried women. Also, I don't mind 
paying for a female companion's din- 
ner. Does this make me sexist? Only my 
hairdresser knows for sure. When 1 
pay for your dinner, I don't want you 
to think I'm expecting sex. So why am 
I contributing to your beauty endow- 
ment? I’m just trying to help make the 
world a more beautiful place. 

1 do think a man should offer to see 
a woman home after they have spent 
the evening together. This could be in- 
terpreted as seeking an opportunity to 

(continued on page 160) 


“Wow! The Marriott only puts little chocolates on your pillow.” 


89 


THE cLASS OF 
ее. 


TODAY'S COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE HANGING OUT, HANGING IN 
AND CHANGING ALL THE RULES. HERE'S THEIR REPORT CARD 


IN THE NOT so distant past, college was con- 
sidered a haven—an oasis amid parental 
constraints and the demands of an adult 
working world, a precious unreality neither 
here nor there. Campus was a safe, often 
scenic place to learn to distinguish Keats 
from Yeats, brie from camembert, Shaker 
Heights from Brooklyn Heights. It was also 
the perfect place to develop critical thinking, 
to discover alternarive lifestyles and to learn 
how to tap a keg. And all this self-improve- 
ment took place before a permissive jury of 
equally bewildered peers. You learned re- 
sponsibility gently: It was far more difficult 
to get in than it was to get kicked out. 

But colleges ain’t what they used to be. 
Real life has crept onto campuses and it has 
brought its own set of consequences—dis- 
cord, blights and conflicts. Students are 
strained and estranged by real-world 
conflicts that demand real-world solutions. 
Consequently, today's campus dwellers are 
more serious and more competitive and 
have strong beliefs and precise agendas. 

Then there's the economy. The cost of a 
college education is higher than ever: Since 
1981, tuition and fees for a four-year public 
college have increased 144 percent, while 
the average annual student loan has grown 
to $2084. Some haven. Meanwhile, a bleak 
job market constantly reminds students of 
how difficult real life will be. Yet, optimism 
remains. Students are still impassioned, 
reckless and eager. And they haven't forgot- 
ten how to have a good time. 


We assembled a team of correspondents and had 
them touch base with students al campuses 


throughout the country. We knew our work was 
cut cut for us: College students are infurialingly 
unpredictable, constantly evolving, forever rein- 
venting themselves—and one another. But, of 
course, that’s the joy of it all. 


APRICI TO PAY 


In 1962 the average salaried American 
worked 129.5 days to pay for a year's room, 
board and tuition at a private university. In 
1992 that figure was 951.4 days—almost 
double the 129 class days in the 1992-1993 
Yale college calendar. 


THE NEW GREEK ETHOS 


What would Bluto say? According to Sid- 
ney Dunn, president of the Fraternity Insur- 
ance Purchasing Group, premiums for col- 
lege fraternities are beginning to level off 
after having increased in recent years. Dunn 
attributes this to "a new Greek ethos" in 
which students take more responsibility for. 
their actions. As part of a risk-management 
policy, many frats have adopted "dry rush," 
“no hazing” and “no keg” policies to reduce 
their insurance premiums. 


SERVE SOMEBODY 


As job opportunities for college grads de- 
cline, nonprofit organizations such as the 
Peace Corps and Teach for America report 
an upsurge in employment applications. 

In 1989 the Vermont Student Environ- 
mental Program began a source-waste-re- 
duction campaign. One of the program's 
missions is to persuade the student associa- 
tion to supply incoming freshmen with 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY EDWARD BRIANT 


ea. FO SNT 


reusable plastic mugs. (The cups come : between local 


with instructions.) 


STINGIEST SAFE-SEX PLAN 


The University of Illinois’ student 
health center makes condoms available 
to all students but restricts them to a 
monthly allotment. 


BACK TO BASICS 


Berkeley students got an eyeful from 
undergrad Andrew Martinez, who, in а 
gesture of free expression, took to 
strolling on campus in nothing but a 
backpack and sandals. The lesson in 
First Amendment flexibility was a 
tough one: Martinez was expelled. 


MELLOWEST ADMINISTRATOR AWARD 


In his first memo to students after 
taking office, Teikyo Marycrest Univer- 
sity president Joseph Olander wrot 
“Latin, Asian and Mediterranean peo- 
ples have long known what contempo- 
rary medical researchers have just dis- 
covered: Naps are very good for us. 
Therefore, I should like to encourage 
each of you, sometime between one 
and two P.M. every day, to take a ten- to 
fifteen-minute nap.” 


BESTS 


BEST MARCHING BAND 


The marching band at the Universi 
ty of Wisconsin conducts a regular 
“fifth quarter” dance on the field and 
in the stands. The band has also issued 
several tapes and compact discs. 


BEST PROFS 


Kenneth T. Jackson, Columbia Uni 
versity: Prolific author, captivating lec- 
turer and campus favorite. Jackson 
takes students on an all-night bike tour 
through city streets as part of his Histo- 
ry of the City of New York seminar. 

Richard Caldwell, University of Den- 
ver: Along with former Colorado gov- 
ernor Richard Lamm, Caldwell teaches 
Hard Choices, а popular course that 
addresses current social and economic 
policy. Caldwell also has a collection of 
rare guitars. 

Fanny Howe, University of Califor- 
nia, San Diego: A seat in one of Howe's 
classes is a hot ticket. The syllabus for 
her poetry class features works by 
rappers Arrested Development and 
Queen Latifah. 


BEST NEWSPAPERS 


Indiana Daily Student, Indiana Uni 
versity: It's been said that the Daily Stu- 
dent can compete with any of the area 


papers. The reporting is well-balanced + 


and campus 
news, and 
the articles 
feature great 
photography 
and sharp 
layouts. 
University 
Daily Kansan, 
University of 


thorough 
news cover- 
age, the Daily 
Kansan is in- 
dicative of 
the profes- 
‘onalism and 
high stan- 
dards of the 
university's 
school of 
journalism. 
The Daily 
Bruin, Uni- 
versity of Cal- 
ifornia, Los 
Angeles: The 
Bruin is a 
journalism 
machine. The first issue of the school 
year usually exceeds 250 pages, includ- 
inga 40-page sports section. The inter- 
views often rival the Los Angeles Times’. 


BEST RADIO STATIONS 


KSJS, San Jose State Universit 
With no paid staff, this two-time Sta- 
tion of the Year Award winner broad- 
casts well-executed, community-mind- 
ed news programs and is known for its 
sharp interviews. 

KJHK, University of Kansas: Aired 
the popular, volatile call-in talk pro- 
gram The John Boss Show. Boss was con- 
sidered the Rush Limbaugh of the col. 
lege set. 

WXYC, University of North Carol 
na at Chapel Hill: The UNC station ha: 
helped cultivate Chapel Hill's thriving 
music scene by regularly hosting live 
studio performances featuring local 
bands. 


BEST TV STATIONS 


ICTY, Ithaca College: Comedy pro- 
gramming is consistently strong, as ar 
its music performances. The staff also 
writes, produces and edits its own soap 
opera, Semesters. The show's players are 
now local celebrities. 

Cable 8, Washington State Universi- 
ty, Pullman: Strong management, side- 
busting comedy and the best music 
videos in college television make Cable 
8 a campus and community favorite. 

UND-TV 3, University of North 


Dakota: UND's cable station boasts 
utstanding local and campus news 
programs and a weekly morning show 
о rival the networks’. Studio One is 
roadcast opposite Good Morning Amer- 
ica and the Tüday show. 


BEST COMPUTER CENTER 
The University of Texas has 18,500 
Macintosh computers—the largest ar- 


senal at any institution or corporation 
worldwide. 


Our campus scouts searched for informa- 
tion from library reading rooms to counsel- 
ing centers, from deans’ offices to dorm 
rooms. But time and again they found that 
the best place to learn what was on the minds 
of students was wherever the party lamp was 
lii. Party life and the party state of mind re- 
main alive and well, despite the excesses of 
political correctness and the mew puri- 
tanism. Here's what we learned about the 
enduring rascal spirit, why people remember 
ollege fondly and what parents and Rhodes 
interviewers never hear. 


MOST NOTORIOUS MAKE-OUT SPOTS 


(Whatever happened 
to the dorm room?) 


At Arizona State there is a mammoth 
letter A painted on the side of a nearby 
mountain. Adventurous students who 
score there call it “making the A team.” 
Some other hot spots: 

i BOSTON: On the third floor of Mugar 


91 


92 


Memorial Library. 

CALIFORNIA STATE AT CHICO: In the 
rose garden fountain. 

CENTRAL MICHIGAN: In the satellite 
dishes by the football field. 

EASTERN KENTUCKY: At the amphithe- 
ater in the middle of campus. 

GEORGETOWN: On top of Darnell Hall. 

LSU: On the golf course. 

mit: Atop the dome at the campus’ 
main entrance. “We feel that the insti- 
tute is fucking us, so why not fuck on 
the top of the institute?” 

RIT: On top of the bronze tiger. 

SAN DIEGO STATE: On the baseball dia- 
mond, "usually the pitcher's mound.” 

FLORIDA: In the parking area near 
Lake Alice. “It used to be the fifty-yard 
line on the football field, but that 
stopped when we got rid of the Astro- 
turf. The coach is very protective of 
his field.” 

univ: At Hoover Dam. "One couple 
allegedly screwed on both sides of the 
dam so they could say they did it in two 
time zones.” 

WISCONSIN: Next to the statue of Lin- 
coln at the top of Bascom Hill. 


/IRGIN LEGENDS 


“Ifa virgin graduates. . . ." 

BOSTON: “the statue of a flock of birds 
dedicated to Martin Luther King will 
fly away." 

RIT: "the balls of the bronze tiger will 
fall off.” 

FLORIDA: “a brick will fall from Cen- 


“the lights on the Strip will 


the stone lions outside of 


WEST VIRGINIA: “the musket on 
the statue of the Mountaineer mascot 
will fire.” 

Mrr: "We don't have a legend like 
that. Too many virgins actually do 
graduate." 


MOST FUN PROFS 


Arizona State's human sexuality pro- 
fessor Owen Morgan (known affection- 
ately by some students as Owen "the 
Organ" Morgan). “The first day of class 
he asked us to think of all the names we 
knew for vagina. Four hundred fifty 
students began yelling at once.” 

The Boston University prof who 
announces on the first day: "If you 
don't like the word fuck, this class isn't. 
for you." 

The human sexuality prof at Chico 
State who brings in transsexuals and 
transvestites as visual aids. 

The constitutional-law prof at George- 
town who hands out recipes in class. 
Her mission: to teach students to dis- 
tinguish between tort law and choco- 
late tortes. 

The professor at Ohio University 
who is described as "an ultrafreak who 
assigns students strange projects such 
as carrying around a moldy banana for 
days at a time." Apparently, he's also a 
pushover for wild stories. "A student 
once told him he missed doing a proj- 
ect because his dog ate his parakeet, 
and he was so severely depressed about. 
it that it had affected his whole semes- 
ter. The prof changed the student's 
grade from a D to an A." 

"The marriage and family instructor 
at Southern Illinois who asks students 


£ to re-create the way they pick up one i 


another and then critique it. 

The Florida journalism professor 
who throws parties and asks students 
to come dressed as their favorite Bea- 
Чез song. 

The creative process prof at the Uni- 
versity of Missouri who teaches meta- 
physically. “She instructs us to channel 
our energy. One day we balance our 
chakras, another day we find our mag- 
netic fields.” 


FAVORITE COURSES 


Ball State's Health Science 261: 
“This class is raw. We watch films about 
sexual arousal, then have relay races to 
see who can put condoms on a glass pe- 
nis the fastest.” 

Georgetown's American Humor, 
a.k.a. Jokes for Jocks. 

MIT's Social Psych 9.70: “At the end 
of the course, you grade yourself.” 

Ohio University’s Introduction to 
Leisure. 

RIT's Food Preservation and Pack- 
aging: “We brewed beer, packaged it, 
then drank it.” 

Texas History of Rock and Roll: 
"You're guaranteed poor marks if you 
can't distinguish Buddy Holly from 
Chuck Berry." 

Wisconsin's Music in Performance, 
a.k.a. Clap for Credit. 


ODDE: 


PARTIES 


BOSTON: Alpha Epsilon Pi's Welcome 
to the Womb bash boasts "a large vagi- 
nalike structure" at the top of their 
staircase. The stairs are converted to a 
sliding board and coated with peanut 
oil. Everyone who enters the party 
must dive through the vagina and slide 
down the board. 

GEORGETOWN: The Drop Your Pants 
Dance. "No matter where you are dur- 
ing the dance, if you hear certain 
songs—like Garth Brooks’ Гое Got 
Friends in Low Places—you drop your 
pants and let your boxers shine.” 
Spring Fling in the township of 
Henrietta, featuring car-rolling and 
nude mud-sliding. The townsfolk can't 
stand it. 


BEST EXTRACURRICULAR 


Lsu: Nude golf, which is played at 
night with glow-in-the-dark golf balls. 
A Fiji favorite. 


ME PARTY STUNT 

Still the reigning champ: MIT's 
Smoot Marks. In 1958 a Lambda Chi 
Alpha pledge named Smoot was used as 
aruler to measure the bridge that leads 
into campus (he was turned end-over- 
end across the bridge). The structure 
was officially logged at 364.4 smoots— 
plus one ear—and is now a landmark. 


NTIL Now, Murtaugh has lived life 

amassing the sort of history, carriage 

and mystique that makes blooming, 

disaffected women imagine them- 

selves in bed with him. This is no 
easy job. At its expense, checkbooks go unbal- 
anced and student poems go unread. Upkeep 
on his rented lodgings goes unkept. Phone calls 
to his daughters go unmade. Calls from them go 
unreturned. He does mean well. He loves his 
daughters and displays their pictures. When 
‘Tracy and Annie visit, he pulls out all the stops: 
movies, theme parks, concerts, ball games, raft- 
ing, skiing. He is that best and worst of divorced 
fathers: Mr. Entertainment. 

Perhaps—even after the harassment scandal, 
even after his younger daughter stood hatless in 
a spring snowstorm and begged him to grow 
up—he hasn't changed. This year he took his 
usual one-year gig at a small college in а small 
town, where he stars (even at his age) in the usu- 
al lunchtime faculty basketball game and where 
he has the usual classrooms full of Christinas. 

"That's who takes poetry workshops at pricey 
church-run schools. Transpose the eighth and 
ninth letters and what irony! Willowy Christi- 
nas, dressed in black, with too much makeup or 
none at all. Vegetarians. (continued on page 100) 


Ihe 
Visiting 
Poet 


and go from the bed of the visiting poet. 


jill was certain to change ай that 


FICTION BY MARK WINEGARDNER 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRYAN LEISTER. 


85 


PLAYBOY. 


2 


fhings you can live without, but who wants to? 


George Jetson would probably flip spaceburgers on the Thermal Electric Grill, but you'll have to 
settle for more earthly fare cooked on a supercharged grilling surface in a unique vacuum-insu- 
lated dome that seals in heat, a smoky barbecue flavor and moisture, by Thermos, about $300. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES INBROGNO 


Nikon's Nikonos RS is the 
world’s first integral-mo- 
tor 35mm autofocus sin- 
gle-lens reflex camera de- 
signed for underwater use, 
$3486. R-UW AF Nikkor 
28mm f/2.8 lens, $978. 


Ideal for bedroom ог 
office, the Sharp 25-watt 
CD-Q10 mini CD-cas- 
sette-AM/FM system 
measures 15.2" wide, one 
third the size of a standard 
compact stereo, $899. 


The Global Man, a Spe- 
cial Editions Limited 
quartz analog-movement 
travel alarm with a folding 
cover, is from a Keith Har- 
ing illustration that ap- 
peared in piaysoy, $40. 


Canar's 1.5-Ib. UCS3 is 
the first Hi-Band 8mm 
camcorder that combines 
digital signal processing 
(for improved video reso- 
lutian) with a 12X pawer 
zoam lens, about $2800. 


The custam-engineered hy- 
draulic cylinders built into 
ihe 3'x6' Trimax hame 
gym help yau exercise 
every muscle in your body, 
including your heart, in 
just 15 minutes, $1300. 


Where & How ta Buy an page 175. 


Two for the road from 
Harley-Davidson: Extra- 
tall cowhide Tour Glide 
boots that lace up the 
front for a custom fit, 
$230, and lecther goggles 
with antifog lenses, $60. 


PLAYBOY 


Visiting POEL  (continned from tage 95) 


“He beds two or three of them a year. Sometimes one, 
rarely four, never five. So far, never zero.” 


Recyclers. Smokers. A Christina with- 
out the code would be a mere Shannon 
or Julie, those wholesome diarists who 
round out his classes, even the prettiest 
of whom accept their fates as taxpayers 
and yard-tending neighbors. Christi- 
nas are outside time, They exude unin- 
jured, tragic beauty They are the 
hippest young women at the squarest 
old schools, a plight from which Mur- 
taugh offers brief deliverance. 
Responsible people might see Mur- 
taugh's life as a dangerous relic of an- 
other era. But that’s part of it: Christi- 
nas like to shock themselves. He beds 
two or three of them a year. Sometimes 
one, rarely four, never five. So far, nev- 
er zero. The Christinas find Murtaugh 
as tragic as he finds them, though their 
sense of tragic is forged by TV, which 
they claim never to watch. But in bed 
he gets them to sing the theme song to 
The Brady Bunch. Never yet has one 
failed to know the words. A sad thing, 
this, but he and the Christina laugl 
He rests a hand on the lovely dent be- 
low her buttocks. She strokes his chest 
hair, comments on it. He goes down on 
her, When she can take no more, she 
pulls him up by what’s left of his hair, 
handles on each side of his skull. She 
condomizes him; he enters her. After- 
ward, he tells her she has talent. 
Murtaugh and the Christina then 
discuss the frauds they know, both at 
the college and in the world of art. 
Murtaugh drops names of writers and 
actresses he’s met, drunk with, beaten 
and fucked. The Christina summarizes 
her sexual history. They fall asleep. 
The scandal disrupted all this. Ex- 
hibit A: He's been here two months. 
He's had the chance to bed a Christina, 
an unusually busty one named Emma, 
with gray eyes and a knack for vil- 
lanelles. She had her hand on his 
crotch, and he let the moment pass. 
So maybe Murtaugh has changed. 
But into what? If he could answer that, 
he'd have changed a long time ago. 


Last year Murtaugh's gig was at a 
huge research institution out in one of 
those rectangular states, a place where 
people get lost, the last place you'd ex- 
pect people to be in your business. 

Her name was Jill and she was no 
Christina. She was half Cherokee, half 
Irish and six feet tall, two inches taller 
than Murtaugh. They met after a read- 


ing by an old confederate of Mur- 
taugh's who, like most of that circle, 
had quit booze, achieved tenure and 
married a plain-looking lawyer. 

Jill wore go-go boots and earth 
tones, which should have tipped off 
her truc identity. Academics rarely 
dress like grown-ups. It's like the old 
joke: Why do dogs lick their genitals? 
Because they can. Same deal vith aca- 
demics. Few could hold down real-world 
jobs, fewer yet could dress the part. 
People in academe comport themselves 
as they do simply because they can. 

But Murtaugh mistook Jill for a stu- 
dent—she looked young enough. She 
was actually a 32-year-old newly 
tenured associate professor of music. 
He didn't learn this until after they'd 
slept together. Murtaugh had her 
pegged as a closet poet, but she in fact 
hadn't attempted a poem since fifth 
grade. It took him weeks to find out 
she'd grown up in the Ozarks and 
SAT’d her way into Harvard, where, 
presumably, she affected that Brahmin 
accent. He read her superficially, as 
quick to pigeonhole as the lit-crit col- 
leagues he reviled. 

Jill could play the hell out of the pi- 
ano—classical, honky-tonk, anything— 
which she did their first night at his 
place, a sublet from a dean on leave, 
the usual farmhouse with a baby 
grand. Murtaugh had never seen a tall 
nude woman at a piano. She lit a can- 
dle and played, her long hair sweat- 
damp and mussed, back straight, 
breasts cast into relief by the flickering 
light, her deft fingers a metaphor for 
Jill herself. 

The next day Murtaugh wrote a po- 
em about her fingers. He showed it to 
Jill. She found it sexist. Three weeks 
later it was accepted by a national mag- 
azine. He started writing a series of 
poems about her body. Magazines 
snapped them up. He wrote a poem 
about her heart, based on an incident 
in which he and Jill snuck into the med 
school and did it on an examining table 
in a room ringed by chest X rays. 

After Christmas break he invited Jill 
to move in with him. She accepted. 
Meanwhile, he continued to bed the 
occasional off-campus Christina. For a 
while, a good time was had by all. 


This year Murtaugh also has the usu- 
al forlorn Ricks. Here's their Ur-poem: 


A sensilif looks into a hot red car, past 
an unworthy jock to the jock’s stun- 
ning, captive girlfriend. The last lines 
concern walking into the wind on a 
rainy day. Rare is the Christina who 
falls for that. The best a Rick can hope 
for is a one-nighter, and it'll be the Rick 
who gets used and dumped. Ricks 
should find nice Pams or Lisas in the 
business wing, get married and under- 
employed, have kids, purchase a mini- 
yan, a house and a family pass to the 
200, grow miserable, get a paunch and 
2 divorce, lose everything and get on 
with it. Even then they won't be able 
to bed Christinas. They'll be fat, bit- 
ter and desperate. Three strikes, grab 
some bench. 

But, ominously, one of this semes- 
ter's Ricks has talent. Worse, he's thick- 
skinned, athletic and—in that corn-fed 
Midwestern way—confident. One day 
the Rick (whose name is John Kilgore) 
catches Murtaugh after class, and they 
work interminably on a passably adept 
poem. They seem at last to be done, 
but the Rick won't leave. 

“J don't know,” the Rick says, stam- 
mering. “It’s like, I don't know how to 
say it, to ask this, to ask you what I, like, 
need to.” He looks down at his shoes. 
Scuffed black penny loafers. Kid'll go 
far. “But, well, Dr. Murtaugh, have 
you” 

“Mister,” Murtaugh says. “I'm not a 
doctor” Murtaugh hates being called 
doctor. He is a master of fine arts, with 
four well-received books. That, he in- 
tones, is what entitles him to be a pro- 
fessor. He does in fact have a Ph.D., but 
even when he applies for these visiting 
gigs (he is more often invited, as was 
the case here), he conceals this residue 
from his past. 

“Whatever,” says the Rick. “What 
I'm trying to ask is if you were ever 
married.” He points. “No ring. But I 
wondered.” 

Murtaugh frowns. “Why do you 
want to know?” 

The Rick says that he's engaged but 
that he's scared he can't earn a living as 
a writer. Maybe law school? Or is that 
a sellout? His fiancée said she would 
give him the time and space he needs, 
but . . . blah, blah, blah. The Rick 
gets up. “Sorry. Forget it.” He grabs his 
motorcycle jacket and backpack and 
leaves, closing the door purposefully 
behind him. 

Murtaugh sizes up the closed door, 
knocked woozy by the horse hooves of 
one of God's heavy-handed ironies, the 
sort of coincidence even poets dare not 
contriye. And it goes like this: Once 
upon a time, Murtaugh, too, was an 
earnest young man with literary urges 

(continued on page 171) 


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101 


“Watch out for the fourth step.” 


моск Woop 


miss april, nicole wood, 
has luck on her side 


HE MUSCLE BOYS at the East Bank Club, Chicago's premiere health spa, are hunkering down 
under triple-digit poundage when Nicole Wood walks in. All of a sudden they decide to give 
their neck muscles a workout, snapping around for a peek at Miss April. Who can blame 
them? She's a vision in turquoise, a siren in spandex. Sorry, guys, but don't expect Nicole to 
look back. She's way too busy, what with a modeling career, a romance with an anonymous (“Let's 
make 'em guess") pro athlete and her debut as Playmate of the Month. “Everything’s going my way 
lately,” she says, smiling. “I barely have time to work out anymore.” She stoops to conquer, hefting a 
15-pound dumbbell for a few dozen curls. “Usually I do two body parts a day. Today I'll do chest and 
bis. Tomorrow I'll finish my upper body, then legs and abs on Wednesday.” It’s hard to believe this 
voluptuous 23-year-old was once “a skinny little tomboy,” but she swears it's true. “You should have 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


103 


seen me when I was fifteen. I had a mouth full of 
braces. Gross!” Braces and all, she managed to 
impress the judges at a Miss Teen New Jersey 


pageant: They made her a finalist. Modeling 
gigs and more than 70 swimsuit pageants fol- 
lowed. Her sister, Michelle, herself a former 
model, provided moral support back home in 
New Jersey. “Doing pageants is emotionally and 
physically draining,” Nicole says. “Most of the 


girls are friendly, but I've seen some vicious 
stuff. Once, somebody stole my shoes right be- 
fore I had to go on stage. Can you believe it?” 
Eventually the work paid off. Her prize for win- 
ning a centerfold contest was a trip to Chicago 
for a PLAYBOY test shoot. She came, she posed, 


^| really love cowboys and the West," Nicole says. 
But the first time she rode a horse, she ended up on 
her rear—and decided to leave riding 1o cowboys. 


~~ +7, 


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“Ym modest,” Nicole says. “Posing for 
these pictures, | was shy at first, but 
everyone wos so supportive that | re- 
loxed and hod fun. When the magazine 
comes out, | know I’m going to blush." 


As for local reaction to her pictorial, 
Nicole says, "They're going to soy, 
‘That's my neighbor!"” We imagine a 

е of men at her door, feeling a neigh- 
borly need to borrow a cup of sugar. 


108 


she conquered. When it comes to love, Nicole’s an old-fashioned girl: “I don't like promiscuity. It should be one 
person and that's it.” She was briefly engaged to achiropractor, but he didn't want her to model, and “I wouldn't 
let him stand in my way.” Watching her sling another dumbbell, it strikes you that standing between Nicole 
Wood and her goals would not be a good idea. “I'm real eager and ambitious, so whatever 1 can get out of life, 
I'm going to get," she says. “I want to act, and I think being in rı лувоу will open a lot of doors for me. I'm excited; 
J think I have some good years coming up." She's got the plan—and the muscle to back it up. —BOB DAILY 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


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BIRTH DATE: -&/- TO BIRTHPLACE: Cantow b. 000 

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PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


The woman rolled over in bed with a big smile 
on her face. “Oh, Jules,” she sighed, “I just 
dreamed that you bought me a beautiful sa- 
ble coat.” 

Recognizing a trap when he heard onc, 
Jules rolled over, pulled the covers up to his 
chin and grunted, "In your next dream, 
Myrna, wear it in good health." 


Hear about the dyslexic policeman? He spent 
all Saturday night handing out IUDs. 


engagement 
" she asked 


pointing to the bare finger. “ 

“Yeah,” Sonia confirmed. “I saw him in a 
bathing suit last week and he looked so differ- 
ent without his wallet.” 


What did the Indian fakirs do when they re- 
ceived two new sacks of nails? They had a pil- 
low fight. 


In the bottom of the seventh inning, a lazy fly 
ball headed to the outfield. The left fielder 
parked under it, then scrambled frantically as 
it bounced off his glove. When he returned to 
the dugout, the manager decked him. 

“Hey, why'd you do that?" the player asked 

“Because they scored a run, you idiot!” the 
skipper bellowed. 

In the eighth inning, the left fielder repeat- 
ed his error, allowing another run to score. 
The manager decked him again. 

In the bottom of the ninth, the manager 
benched his left fielder, telling him to watch 
how the position is supposed to be played, and 
he trotted out onto the field. With the score 
tied, the manager went back for a long fly ball 
and dropped it. The winning run scored. 

As the manager returned to the dugout, the 
regular left fielder was chuckling to himself. 
‘The manager decked him. 

“Why'd you do that?" the player asked. 

“Because you have left field so screwed up 


nobody can play it!” 


When their favorite waiter died, several regu- 
lars decided to try to contact him through a 
medium. 

“In order to communicate with the dead,” 
the medium advised, “we must all hold hands 
and say his name as one.” 

Sitting at a round table, the group locked 
hands and then reverently muttered “Moe 
Iskowitz" together. Nothing happened, so they 
tried again. Still nothing happened. Finally, on 
the third try, Moe appeared as a spectral image 
floating above them. 

“Moe,” one of the men said, “it’s good to see 
you, but why did we have to call you three 
times?” 

“Schmuck,” Moe said, “this isn't my table!” 


Dia you hear that Oprah Winfrey checked in- 
to a fat farm for two weeks? She lost 14 days. 


We spotted this classified ad in a neighbor- 
hood newspaper: “For sale, cheap: one set of 
Jack Nicklaus golf clubs with bag and cart; one 
right-handed softball mitt; bowling ball and 
bag with assorted trophies. Call 555-1443. If a 


man answers, hang up. 


Дра 


What's the difference between a Yugo and а 
Jehovah's Witness? You can close саты 
Jehovah's Witness. 


A 59-year-old man began to dress after his 
physical. “Doc,” he said, “do you think T'll live 
another forty-one years so that I can reach a 
hundred?" 

“Do you smoke?" the doctor asked. 

"No," the patient replied. 

“Do you drink?" 

“No.” 

“Do you fool around with women?” 

“OF course not!” 

“Well, then,” the physician mused, "why the 
hell would you want to live another forty-one 
years?” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Honey, I've got e 


ti 


twenty minutes to 


fridge until I get 


t to the course. Go sit in 
k.” 


115 


PLAYBOY'S AUTOMOTIVE REPORT 


a long-lens look at what we'll be driving in 1994 and beyond 
article by KEN GROSS 


WHILE AMERICANS SHOP for 1993 automobiles, manufacturers are finishing work on 1994 and 1995 
models. It takes three to five years for a new car design to move from conception to execution, and 
most of the development is shrouded in secrecy. Some photojournalists, how- 

T H E ever, make it their business to find out in advance what tomorrow's machines 
look like. Using hidden cameras, telephoto lenses, secret locations near proving grounds and great 
patience and persistence, these specialists take “preview photographs" of cars to come. Like a fox 
hunt, this game has its own rules. Here’s how it’s played: At some point in every new car’s creation, 
engineers must take the vehicle out on the road for real-world testing. They try to disguise experi- 
mental models any way they can, which makes it tough for the lensmen but far 

CAR from impossible. Two of the world’s best preview photographers are Detroit’s 
Jim Dunne and Germany’s Hans G. Lehmann. GM, in fact, went so far as to plant a row of trees, ir- 
reverently known now as Dunne's Grove, to block its namesake's long lenses. And Lehmann, who has 
fallen out of a tree, been detained and even arrested in pursuit of his prey, has hired a crew of less- 
er-known accomplices to track car testers everywhere from northern Finland to southern Africa. 
They get the shots, he gets the credit. Not every spy, though, is a pro. For ex- 

S PY ample, Ford’s 1995 Mustang won't officially arrive for about a year and a half, 
but Brenda Priddy, a part-time bookkeeper and mother of two from Phoenix, got an early look. “I 
was dropping off my baby-sitter,” she said, “when I spotted some disguised cars stopping every 
three hundred feet for air-conditioning checks.” Priddy dashed home, grabbed her camera and was 
back in time to catch the Mustang testers stopped at her local Safeway. She got her shots and sold 
A M them to Automobile Magazine. One of them appeared on its Novem- 
G E ber 1992 cover. Glenn Paulina of Highland, Michigan photographed 
the 1989 Thunderbird five years ago, a success that inspired bim and his brother to make spy shoot- 
ing an adjunct to their regular jobs. The two Paulinas took a photo of a four-door Porsche being test- 


ed in Detroit. They caught the attention of Lehmann, who retained them in the summer of 1991 to 


search Death Valley for manufacturers' prototypes. After several weeks in the desert, the Paulinas 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE CALVER 


117 


bagged a new Nissan Altima, some Mustangs and two 
pairs of Alfa Romeo 75s. What kind of money do pre- 
view photographers get for their work? Magazines pay 
between $1000 and $5000 depending on the car—which 
may not be top dollar. Before Automobile published her 
shot, Priddy received a call from a Ford employee who 
wanted to know how much she was paid. Priddy asked 


avoid giving the competition any ideas. They're also 


concerned that consumers may delay purchasing exist- 
ing cars in favor of what's coming down the road. But 
thanks to the snooping of spy photographers, it's possi- 
ble to get an early peek and advanced details. Here's the 
scoop on some of the cars they've captured. 


AMERICAN MODELS 


why she cared. The Ford woman answered, *We would 


have paid you more." One obvious reason why car com- After a lackluster 1993 lineup, GM plans to bounce 


back with ambitious (text continued on page 120) 


panies want to keep their new models under cover is to 


HANS б. LEHMANN/HIDDEN IMAGE HANS б. LEHMANN/HIDDEN IMAGE 


1994 
Saab 900 
Saab's connection 
with General Motors 
hos paid off. The 
aerodynamic 1994 
ЅосЬ 900 pocks о 
2.5-liter V6 engine 
(from GM's Opel), all- 
wheel-drive and a 
six-speed gearbox. 
Styling cues resemble 
todoy’s Saab 9000s. 


1994 Audi V8 


Audi’s new sedan with a 276-hp V8 (scheduled 
for a late 1993 debut) is sized between BMW's 7- 
series cars and the shortest Mercedes S-class cars. 
Built with an all-aluminum body, it remains a half 
ton lighter than the Benz—even with all-wheel- 
drive. Plans for an optional 60-valve W12 engine 
from Audi's Avus showcar have been dropped. 


1994 Chrysler Neon 


Designed to replace the Dodge Shadow and the Ply- 
mouth Sundance, Chrysler's 1994 Neon subcompact 
(left) features "cab-forward" styling and a price tag 
that will compete with GM's Saturn as well as with im- 
poris such as the Honda Civic and the Toyota Tercel. 


HANS G. LEHMANN/HIDDEN INAGE. 


1996 Mercedes-Benz E Series 


The E series is Mercedes’ successor to its 300-class sedan. Its trim design 
resembles top-line Benzes yet appeals to those buyers who feel the current 
S class is just too big. This handsome mid-range four-door is just two inch- 


iN longer than the current 300 sedan. Its prime targets: Lexus and BMW. 


HANS G- LEHMANN/HIDDEN IMAGE 


1994 Ford Mustang 


Hot on the wheels of Chevy's re- 
designed Camaro comes the 1994 
Mustang. In addition to a sleek new 
sheet-metal body, it boasts one of three 
different engines: a 3.5-liter V6 (to pla- 
cote nervous insurance companies), а 
classic 5-liter V8 and a high-perfor- 
mance 320-hp four-cam modulor V8. 


1994 BMW 325i Convertible 


Styled ойег BMW's sleek 3-series coupes, the long- 
awaited 1994 3-series convertible (set to arrive this 
summer) looks even better minus the roof. The folding 
top has been substantially improved and there’s pop- 
up rear-seat rollover protection. North American car 
buyers get 8MW's latest small, six-cylinder engine 
оз well as an optional lightweight removable top. 


А JIM DUNNE/POPULAR MECHANICS 


1994 Buick 
Riviera 
The current Buick Riviera is 
a styling disaster, but purists 
needn't worry. The 1994 Riv 
returns fo its roots with a 
longer wheelbase and ап 
overall length of 200-plus 
inches. It may get a smaller 
version of Cadillac's Norih- 
star V8 rated at 250 hp and 
mated to an electronic four- 
speed automatic transaxle. 


1995 Lincoln 
Continental 


Slated to hit dealerships in the spring of 
1994, the redesigned 1995 front-drive, 
faur-daor Lincoln Continental borrows the 
classy Mark VIII's toothy grille and 280-hp 
4.6-liter V8 engine. New upper and lower 
control arms replace the MacPherson strut 
suspensian, permitting a lower cowl and a 
sharply raked hoodline. The result: a much 
more pawerful car with racy good laoks. 


KGP PHOTOGRAPHY 


120 


THE 


CLINTON IMPACT 
ON CARS 

Detroit is back. American car- 
makers are gaining market 
share, and sales of once-invinci- 
ble Japanese nameplates are slip- 
ping. The question is: Will ac- 
tions in Washington put the 
brakes on this long-awaited turn- 
around? We domt think so. 
While President Bill Clinton and 
his environmental champion, Al 
Gore, espouse a 40-miles-per- 
gallon standard, they know that 
American consumers have his- 
torically preferred bigger cars 
and pickup trucks. For classic 
full-sized cars such as Ford's 
Crown Victoria and Chevrolet's 
Caprice (two law enforcement 
and taxicab favorites), the high- 
mileage hurdle is virtually im- 
possible. “If there is evidence the 
forty-miles-per-gallon goal can't 
be achieved," the new president 
said, "I've never said we should 
write it into law." 

We do expect steady pressure 
to increase corporate average fu- 
el economy toward a goal of 37 
miles per gallon by the year 2000 
and suspect that government in- 
centives (as well as stricter state 
legislation) will accelerate that 
trend. Clinton's national eco- 
nomic strategy will include in- 
centives to modernize plants and 
equipment. He knows that the 
German and Japanese govern- 
ments support their automakers. 
He intends to do the same here. 

How will all this affect car buy- 
ers? Don't expect to see the gas- 
guzzler tax repealed. But do ex- 
pect to see more emphasis placed 
on zero-emission vehicles, such 
as electric cars. A repeal of the 
much-maligned luxury tax (ten 
percent added to the cost of a car 
priced over $30,000) is also un- 
likely, since it mainly affects ex- 
pensive European and Japanese 
makes. And don't be surprised to 
see 25 percent tariffs on foreign 
sports utilities, pickups and may- 
be even Japanese minivans. 

In terms of ecology, an auto in- 
dustry insider hinted: “Gore may 
be Clinton's environmental at- 
tack dog, but he'll be on a short 
leash. A lot of people in Michigan 
voted for Clinton. He's not about 
to forget them.” —REN GROSS 


1994-1995 development programs. 
Beleaguered Oldsmobile has already 
shown its bold $34,000 four-cam V8- 
powered 1995 Aurora sport sedan. 
Buick has been much more secretive, 
intending to launch a dramatic 1994 
Riviera coupe that reportedly resem- 
bles the high-styled Bill Mitchell “Rivs” 
of the early Sixties. The 1994 Riviera 
will share the current Park Avenue's 
long wheelbase, as will an all-new four- 
door Oldsmobile Toronado. In 1994 
Cadillac will launch a redesign of its 
Sedan De Ville. Chevy will present its 
new S-10 Blazer and hopes to get back 
in the volume business with its new Lu- 
mina, recently delayed to 1995. Also 
for 1995, the ancient Olds Ciera and 
Buick Century vill finally be updated, 
Pontiac plans to present a new Sun- 
bird, Chevy will revive its hallowed 
Monte Carlo nameplate and unveil 
a new Cavalier, and Saturn's sedans 
and hatchbacks are slated for major 
redesigns. 

At Ford, the 1994 Mustang will ar- 
rive just as Chevrolet's sexy new Ca- 
maro finishes its first sales year. In 
addition to a sleek new skin, the long- 
lived ponycar will have a 205-hp mid- 
line V8 engine and also may get a 
Cobra-inspired version of Lincoln's 
280-hp four-cam V8. Ford will also 
offer two new 1994 convertibles, a 
svelte Mark VIII Lincoln and an Escort 
with a much cheaper ragtop. It will in- 
troduce its new Tempo and Topaz in 
1995. Dramatically restyled Tauruses 
and Sables are also on the way, but 
whether they'll be labeled 1995s ог 
1996s has yet to be determined. 

Chrysler will continue a parade of 
hits with its Saturn fighter, the afford- 
able 1994 Neon subcompact sedan 
(a.k.a. the Sundance-Shadow replace- 
ment). After that comes an exotic-look- 
ing fastback coupe that dramatically 
updates both the Dodge Daytona and 
the Chrysler LeBaron. But the big 
news from Chrysler is its long-wheel- 
base sedans: both the sporty LHS and 
the New Yorker look like sedans Jaguar 
should be introducing. And rounding 
out the 1994 lineup is Dodge's brawny 
V10 Ram pickup. In 1995 Chrysler will 
introduce the [A, a cab-forward design 
set to replace the current Spirit-Ac- 
claim. There will also be an all-new T- 
115 minivan. 


EUROPEAN MODELS 


Mercedes-Benz will get back to basics 
in 1994 with a long-awaited replace- 
ment for its small 190-class sedans, 
called the C series. It's one and a half 
inches wider, one inch longer and 220 
pounds heavier than the current 190. 
A 300-class replacement will follow at 
the end of 1995. Both redesigns will lift 
styling cues from the S class. Reported- 


ly, Mercedes is also working on a new, 
smaller version of its classy 300/ 
500 SL roadster. The car will come on 
an abbreviated sub-190 platform to com- 
bat the proposed 1996 BMW sub-3-se- 
ries two-seaters and hatchbacks, which 
are expected to be built in a new facto- 
ry in Spartanburg, South Carolina. 

In the meantime, BMW's 1994 top- 
line 7-series sedan won't be as large as 
the Benz behemoths, but it will have a 
radically sloped nose and tail, a slightly 
stretched wheelbase, the 850Ci's so- 
phisticated multilink rear suspension, 
several V8 options and a 375-hp V12 
engine. Later this summer, BMW will 
roll out its new-generation 3-series 
convertible, with rakish wedge styling 
to match the current coupes and an 
optional lightweight hardtop. 

Audi has an aluminum-bodied up- 
date of its V8 Quattro on the drawing 
board. Innovations include semiactive 
suspension, four-wheel ride-height ad- 
justment (to better use the car's four- 
wheel-drive system) and a possible 
40-valve 320-hp 4.2-liter V8 engine. 
"There's also a spin-off of Audi's next- 
generation European 80 in the works, 
which is expected to be a half-hatch- 
back semicoupe that's shorter and 
wider than its current sedans. Good 
news: The price may be well below 
$20,000. Bad news: It may not be ex- 
ported to thc States. 

For 1994 Porsche will introduce a re- 
skinned 911 called the 993. Features 
include four-wheel steering and a 280- 
hp six-cylinder engine. A smaller, more 
affordable convertible—based on the 
Boxter showcar—is expected to follow 
in 1995-1996, and a completely new 
911 will bow a year or so later. 

Volkswagen will dramatically restyle 
its Corrado for 1995, offering both 
coupe and convertible versions. The 
car's lusty, narrow-angle VR6 engine 
will probably receive a 24-valve head. 
l's likely to get the all-wheel-drive 
system from Europe’s Golf Syncro, 
electronically controlled shocks and 
four-wheel steering as well. The next- 
generation, Mexico-built Polo also will 
hit the States in 1995. And in addition 
to its tiny coupes and sedans, Volkswa- 
gen will offer an affordable 2013- 
pound spider (203 pounds lighter 
than Mazda’s Miata but with a longer 
wheelbase) packing a 115-hp four- 
cylinder engine. 

With help from Ford, Jaguar will 
soon have an all-new lineup. In late 
1994 it'll update the current XJ6 sedan 
with the X300. The X100, a new sports 
coupe-cabriolet, is set to replace the 
long-in-the-tooth XJS in 1996. Jaguar's 
BMW 5-series fighter, the X200, is be- 
ing referred to as a modern version of 

(concluded on poge 158) 


121 


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122 


ECO WARRIORS (onina fion page 76) 


D 


"What kind of things? 'Yow know, monkey-wrench- 
ing. That's why they call me the Crazy Coyote. 


ورو 


Canadian Coast Guard officer Paul 
Watson, who left Greenpeace after he 
was accused of using methods that 
were too confrontational. His gang has 
sunk eight whaling ships and a drift 
netter, rammed a half-dozen other 
vessels and blockaded the Canadian 
sealing fleet. 

The Animal Liberation Frontalso fits 
the definition. It is an underground 
network whose agents are unknown. It 
has claimed between 70 and 100 “liber- 
ation” actions at fur farms and research 
labs since 1981, occasionally using ar- 
son and explosives. Another group is 
the Hunt Saboteurs, whose members 
disrupt big-game hunts. 

Finally, there are the scores of lone 
monkey-wrenchers who remain unaf- 
filiated. One night at a party in Albion, 
California, I met an 18-year-old half- 
Choctaw man who called himself the 
Crazy Coyote. He was with 15 EFers 
from a group known as the Albion 
Nation. 

“I used to do some things by myself 
when I lived over by Tahoe,” Coyote 
told me, smiling. “I thought I was the 
only one.” When I asked him what 
kind of things, he said simply: “You 
know, monkey-wrenching. That's why 
they call me the Crazy Coyote.” 

This personal approach to environ- 
mental struggle is what Gary Snyder— 
a poet whose book Tiurtle Island won a 
1975 Pulitzer Prize—calls “the real 
work”: fighting for a culture where all 
species have inherent worth and an 
equal right to exist—not for their value 
to humans as commodities or recre- 
ation but simply because they have an 
ecological niche, an evolutionary rea- 
son to be. Or, if you want to give it a 
Judeo-Christian twist, because God put 
them there. 

The real work, according to Snyder 
and others, is to move yourself from an 
anthropocentric, or human-centered, 
universe to a biocentric one. This an- 
cient worldview is no foreign import; it 
has American roots in the work of John 
Muir, Thoreau, the Transcendentalists 
and the 1830s wilderness romantics. In 
1972 а Norwegian philosopher named 
Arne Naess coined the phrase "deep 
ecology," and it stuck. 

The movement now surging around 
these principles is getting a huge push 
from science, particularly rain-forest 
research, which has indicated we are 
now in the middle of a global mass ex- 
tinction. At least five such extinctions 


are known to have happened on this 
planet. The last one was when glaciers 
descended over North America during 
the Ice Age. This one is caused largely 
by human overpopulation. 

I recently saw a roadshow by Aus- 
tralian EFer John Seed, who cofound- 
ed the Rain Forest Information Center 
in 1982, and he told a crowd of about 
150 people in Berkeley that a million 
species of plants, insects, fish and mam- 
mals, most of them unnamed, will dis- 
appear forever by the end of this cen- 
tury. If Seed's addition is right, and a 
lot of biologists seem to agree with his 
figures, we'll lose about 400 species a 
day from now until New Year's Eve in 
1999. Most of what human beings will 
stoop to “save,” such as the California 
condor, will become what Dr. Daniel 
Janzen, professor of biology at the Uni- 
versity of Pennsylvania, calis "the living 
dead”—sull there but not able to sur- 
vive without human intervention. 

Seed and other deep ecology evan- 
gelists get their gospel from conserva- 
tion biology. It is a young science. only 
ten years old, but it is already booming 
at universities worldwide. As scientists 
slowly come to understand habitats, 
the movement adopts their findings as 
the no-compromise position. 

That radical agenda, however, is 
not limited to direct-action groups. A 
strong second tier of radicalism is 
emerging: ecosystem-based wilderness 
groups that EF cofounder Dave Fore- 
man is now championing as the New 
Conservation Movement. They dis- 
tance themselves from what Paul Wat- 
son calls “the compromise environ- 
mental movement"—the so-called 
Group of Ten biggies such as the Envi- 
ronmental Defense Fund, whose opera- 
tives massage the political reality and 
field lobbyists in Washington, D.C 

“Tt would be a big mistake to say that 
it is simply a matter of tactics,” says 
Roselle. While a lot of the loud actions 
by EF or the Sea Shepherds are meant 
to grab media attention and sway the 
American public, Roselle insists that 
the more important goal must be to 
change public policy. He says, “You can 
have radical tactics and not have radi- 
cal politics. But if you have radical pol- 
itics you may not need radical tactics.” 

Erik Ryberg, an EFer from Missoula, 
Montana, made the distinction this 
way: “A difference between [the grass 
roots] and the mainstream groups is 


that just about every small grass roots 
group recognizes that what's happen- 
ing is conflict. And we're hereto be one 
side of that conflict. We're engaged in a 
fight. Right now, there's no avenue for 
compromise. 

“The National Wildlife Federation 
and the Wilderness Society seem to 
think that, ‘Well, there's not really a 
conflict. We just need to work out a few 
bugs in the system. We'll get some 
more wilderness and everybody will be 
happy. And we can still drive our jet 
skis around.’ But you don't find us try- 
ing to work with the Forest Service to 
get some sort of weird power and 
weird compromise situation going. 
Our people say: "The Forest Service is 
operating against the law and it needs 
to stop. We're just going to beat it over 
the head until it realizes that." 


It is May 1992 on California's north 
coast. Stars drop through the night air 
like flaming pins. It's a little past three 
A.M., and I'm crouching in the wet 
grass next to a dying fire, holding a 
squawking FM transceiver in my hand, 
writing down what the woman in the 
tree issinging. The Albion River moves 
past the base of a knoll; six miles down- 
Stream, where the river meets the 
Pacific, a buoy moans weirdly over the 
giant trees. 

A lovely, nervous woman with an ex- 
plosion of wild red hair sits on the near 
bank of the river, listening. Across the 
river on a 4'x8' plywood platform 
rigged 75 feet up a redwood tree on 
the edge of this riparian meadow, an 
18-year-old woman who calls herself 
Little Tree is singing. 

*Why don't you shut up?" yells one 
of the Louisiana Pacific security men 
hired to monitor her vigil, grinding out 
the night shift with an endless cup of 
coffee. They've had this same ex- 
change pretty much every night since 
she first went up the tree seven days 
ago. But Little Tree just seems to get 
more and more powerful. She sings 
louder, anyway. She isn't singing any- 
thing in particular, just singing, some- 
times breaking off into howls or owl 
hoots. Sometimes she sleeps, some- 
times she lies naked in the sun. The 
banner twisting under her platform 
says SAVE THE ENCHANTED MEADOW! EARTH 
FIRST! 

Up the ridge, a couple of men 
named Emerald and Gray Cloud are 
on similar platforms deep in the 
canopy. From time to time we hear the 
three of them talking to one another 
over CB radios. Other men—Little 
Tree's support team—lie sleeping, 
knocked out by fatigue and brandy and 

(continued on page 167) 


PLAYBOY’S 
SPRING & SUMMER 


FASHION 
FORECAST 


what to wear, how to wear it—get the big picture. plus 
some key advice from designer Joseph Abboud 


S OFTEN AS we deny the adage that clothes 


make the man, the fact remains: A 

smart outfit creates a strong first 
impression. When you walk into a room, it's 
the well-dressed guy who stands out in the 
crowd. But being smartly tailored doesn't 
mean you should trade in classic styles for 
trendiness. Changes in men's fashion hap- 
pen gradually, so the wise move is to build a 
basic wardrobe over time and update it sea- 
sonally as needed. This spring and summer 
there are several important looks to consider, 
as pictured on these pages. Our fashion cov- 
erage includes everything from the latest suit 
styles to sports jackets and the trousers and 
accessories that go with them. We've included 
tips from designer Joseph Abboud on how to 
wear one of the season's hottest fabrics, linen, 
and we celebrate the return of an old friend, 
the classic white shirt. In short, the menswear 
of spring and summer 1993 offers head-to- 
toe options to suit your tastes and lifestyle. 
Here are the details. Suits: Styles are less ex- 
treme than they have been in seasons past. 
The dark-on-dark gangster look, for exam- 


ple, has been softened. Tonal dressing is still 


The season's longer, leaner 
fashion silhouette is evi- 
denced in the outfit above, 
which indudes a coton mi- 
crofiber trench coat, by Jo- 
seph Abboud, $785; a light- 
weight wool three-button suit 
with notched lapels and dou- 
ble-pleated trousers, by Cer- 
ruti 1881 Couture, $975; а 
cotton shirt, by Ferrell Reed, 
$90; a woshed-silk polko- 
dot tie, by Canoli USA, $75; 
ond sunglosses, by Calvin 
Klein Eyewear, obout $175. 


important, but colors are lighter and more natural. In 
terms of cut, the suit silhouette is narrower, with softer 


shoulder pads, longer jackets (some designers 


have added as much as two inches to the length) 
and tapered pants. Lapels are holding steady 
at about three and a half inches wide. And 
there’s a perceptible ease to the overall 
look, which makes the suits appear more 
comfortable. The most up-to-the-minute 
style—the three-button single-breasted 
model—features a higher button stance. 
Wear the coat buttoned up, or with either 
the bottom button or the top one undone. 
(We suggest the last if you’re wearing the 
style for the first time—it’s a comfortable way 
to adjust to the three-button stance.) If you 
prefer a double-breasted suit, look for styles 
with four or six buttons. Otherwise, go with 
one of the updated three-piece suits. Unlike 
the stuffy models of old, the latest looks are 
loose and generously cut, with vest stances 
that mirror those of the jackets. Regardless of 
suit cut, trousers should be single- or double- 
pleated or flat in front. Cuffs add a sharp, tai- 
lored look to each of these styles. Just be sure 


they measure between one and one and a half 


fashion by HOLLIS WAYNE 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GREGORY HINSDALE 
ILLUSTRATIONS BY ANGELLA DASKALAKIS. 


123 


Pinstripes have softened. Instead af the stork 


inches wide. When it comes to color, 
think blue, whether it’s a classic shade 
of navy, such as the one Hugo Boss 
uses in the suit pictured on the oppo- 
site page, or a bright, clear blue. Gray, 
a good second choice, is showing up 
with a muted, smoky-blue cast. And 
creams, ranging from ivory to oatmeal, 
are perfect colors to wear on those 
steamy summer afternoons. Light- 
weight fabrics such as crepe and tropi- 
cal wool also help compensate for ris- 
ing temperatures. Although the drape 
of these fabrics is far more flattering 
than it has been in the past, the real 
advantages are their longevity (you 
should be able to wear them at least ten 
months of the year) and their ability to 
travel without getting too wrinkled. 
Textured and patterned fabrics con- 
tribute to this neat look and are as im- 
portant a quality as color. Shirts: Un- 
derscoring spring's polished look is the 
renewed interest in white shirts. This 
year’s version, however, is anything but 
basic. White-on-white tones, textures, 
pocket detailing and French cuffs are 
only a few ways designers and manu- 
facturers are updating this classic style. 
As a result, dress shirts are more 
refined and elegant. While slightly 
more casual, blue shirts (an ode to 
chambray and denim) are hot, and 
they look best when worn tonally with 
the new blue suits or as a color accent 
to neutral ones. A white linen shirt 
would also be a wise buy, but keep in 
mind that it, too, is considered more 
laid-back. Unfortunately, after only a 
few seasons, dark shirts are fading— 
they appear too hard-edged for today’s 
softer styles. And interestingly, the shirt 
pocket has become a focal point, with 
larger flap detailing and besom treat- 


ments. If you opt for a shirt with 
French cuffs, choose one-of-a-kind an- 


tique cuff links or contemporary 


Suits and sports jackets are cut longer and 
narrower yet retain their relaxed drape. Il- 
lustrated here is a lightweight wool mi 
check three-button single-breasted suit, 
$1250, wom with a broadcloth cotton shirt, 
$150, both by Donna Karan; plus a silk tie 
with a pattern by Keith Haring, from Spe- 
cial Editions Lid., $55; and suede cap-toe 
shoes, from Impulse by Steeplegate, $150. 


125 


graphic shapes, such as the donut-type 
ones by Robert Lee Morris pictured on 
the opposite page. Shirt cuts are gener- 
ous, with collars that are either pointed 
(pictured opposite page, upper right) 
or have a modified spread (opposite 
page, center). For something contem- 
porary, check out a blind buttondown 
shirt, in which snaps are on the under- 
side. Traditionally European in style, 
the blind buttondown is featured in the 
collections of Giorgio Armani, Donna 


Karan and Hugo Boss, among other 
top designers. A casual alternative is 
the banded-collar (or peasant) shirt. 
The last time this style was popular, 
men simply took a pair of scissors to 
their dress shirts to achieve the collar- 
less look. Now the style has been given 
the designer touch and is showing up 
under suits, sports jackets, vests and on 
its own. Wear it buttoned up all the way 
or leave the top button undone. Linen: 
Since this fabric is important this sea- 
son, we've included comments on the 
subject from designer Joseph Abboud. 
No, we're not talking about the rum- 
pled-linen looks of the past. The new 
linen suits and sports jackets are made 
with blends of linen and other fabrics 
such as viscose, cotton and rayon. 
These blends, along with new mill 
and finishing technologies, 
create a silklike material 
that is less prone to wrin- 
kle. To camouflage creases 
even better, many of the 
top menswear designers, 
including Abboud, are us- 
ing patterned linens, such 

as the plaid pictured on the 
opposite page. Those of 
you who've worn a linen 
Suit know that comfort is 
one of its attributes. Versa- 
tility is another, particularly 
for guys who need to stretch 


If you find the higher button stance 
of a three-button single-breasted 
suit a bit too Pee-wee Herman, then 
leave the top button undone, as illustrated 
at left. This stellar combination includes 
а linen herringbone three-button single- 
breasted suit with notched lapels, flap pock- 
ets and double-plected trousers, $795, 
a cotton soft-point-collar shirt with on 
open chest pocket, $80, and a silk Јос- 
quard tie with a zigzog geometric pattem, 
about $70, all from Polo by Ralph Lauren. 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


weove dress shi but 
Canali USA, $195. Cotton Jacquat 
straight-point collor, by V2 for Gi Я 
shirt with open chest pocket, by Beene, about $38; shown with 
gold-plated double donut-shaped cuff links, by Robert Lee Morris, $110. 


The new linen suits and sports jackets have 
a less wrinkled lack than their predeces- 
sors, thanks to new fabric blends and mill 
technologies. At right is o linen glen plaid 
single-breasted suit with natched lapels 
and double-plected trousers with on-seam 
packets, $860, worn with с woven rayon 
glen plaid soft-point-collar dress shirt, 
about $235, and a silk watercolor rep tie, 
$68, all from Joseph Abboud Collection. 


their fashion dollar. Dress up a linen 
suit with a shirt and tie or go casual 
with a T-shirt and sneakers. There are 
numerous options. What's more, un- 
like suits made of other fabrics, you can 
break up a linen one, wearing the jack- 
et on its own or the slacks as an alter- 
native to khaki pants. In all cases, 
though, your best bet is to go with a 
tonal look—that is, a light-colored 
cotton or linen shirt with a 
similarly light suit. For 
something relaxed yet 
dressy, try pairing a linen 
suit with a finely knit polo 
shirt or a one-ply cash- 
mere sweater of the same 
shade. Finally, contrary 

to popular opinion, linen 
requires about as much 
care as cotton. You don't 
have to dry-dean your linen 
suit each time you wear it. Just 
hang it up, give it some room 

and let it air out. And yes, you can 
wear it to the office. As Abboud says, 
“Men create their own self-contained 
barriers. There's nothing more beauti- 
ful than a navy linen suit. It looks fresh 
and clean—and professional.” Sports 
jackets: Hesitating to invest in an updat- 
ed three-button single-breasted suit? 
Then consider trying the style in 
sports-jacket form. As you can see on 
the following two pages, the sports 
jacket is probably the most versatile 
item in any man’s wardrobe. When 
worn traditionally with a shirt and tie, 
it's perfect for the office; when paired 
with a banded-collar shirt and vest or a 
knit polo shirt, it can take on a contem- 
porary look. If you prefer a classic cut, 
a one- or two-button single-breasted 


sports jacket is always a safe bet, as is 


a double-breasted navy blue blazer, 
which looks best on taller men. Choose 
colors and fabrics that are similar to 
those of the latest suits. Blue, for exam- 


ple, is one of the top hues, along with 


Texture is an important quality in linen be- 
cause it camouflages creases. Above is a 
high-twist linen six-button double-breasted 
three-piece suit with a vest and double- 
pleated trousers, about $1130, paired with 
а melange saf-point-collar shirt, $250, 
and а silk tie with a diamond patiem, 
about $85, all by Calvin Klein Menswear. 


khaki and brown. There's also a wide 
selection of linen sports jackets (a few 
of our favorites by Canali USA, Michael 


Kors and Hugo Boss are shown here) 


130 


As a dressy alternative to off-white, wear a 
linen sports jacket in navy, such as this 
three-button single-breasted model, $850, 
worn with cotton double-pleated trousers, 
$250, both by Canali USA; a cotton straight- 
point-collor shirt, by Jhane Barnes, $90; 
ord o silk crepe tie, by Vestimento, $75. 


as well as jackets made of lightweight 
tropical wools and crepes. Again, cuts 
are drapey, longer in length and fea- 
ture notched or peaked lapels that 
measure about three and a half inches 
at the widest point. A bit of advice on 
buying sportsjacket ensembles: If 
you're uncomfortable matching sepa- 
rates, check out a split suit—that is, a 
suit in which the jacket and trousers 
are sold individually Several designers, 
induding Michael Kors and Calvin 
Klein, offer split suits. Aside from being 
color and pattern coordinated, they're 
ideal for guys whose jacket and pants 
sizes don't match. Economically, 
they're a great way to get more mileage 


out of your wardrobe. As with the linen 


suit, the split suit is a relaxed style de- 
signed so that the jacket and pants can 
be mixed and matched with other 
items. Vests: The highly versa- 

tile vest is another fashion 
trend that we advocate fol- 
lowing this season. The key is to think 
subtle. Prints and patterns have toned 
down for spring and summer, and sol- 
id colors are equally subdued. When 
paired with a suit or sports coat as 
we've illustrated, a vest should have a 
relaxed fit and a button stance similar 
to that of the jacket. Button it up, leav- 
ing only the bottom button undone, 


and if it has an adjustment strap, leave 
it loose and comfortable. That also 
holds true when you're wearing a vest 
as a casual accent. With a T-shirt, for 
example, you can wear the vest open 
or closed, but it shouldn't be snug. In 
fact, about the only time you'll want to 


wear it fitted is when you're wearing 


3 


h 


l 


^ 

> 

= 
Cosuol ond contemporory, this sports jock- 
et ond vest combinalion includes o linen 
twill one-button jacket, obout $455, o 
linen twill five-button pinstriped vest, obout 
$170, linen twill pinstriped trousers, obout 


$170, ond o striped linen bonded-collor 
shirt, about $170, oll by Michael Kors. 


Where & How to Buy on poge 175. 


As if we haven't given you reason enough 
to try linen this season, here’s another ex- 
ample of the fabric’s versatility. This outfit 
combines a high-twist linen three-button 
single-breasted sports jacket with open 
patch pockets and notched lapels, about 
$550, plus wool double-pleated trousers 
with on-seam pockets, obout $250, both 
by Hugo Boss; with a linen long-sleeved 
polo shirt, by C.P. Company, about $100. 


132 


nothing underneath. Several designers 
have shown their vests this way. Con- 
sider it a sexy late-night look for the 
adventuresome and physically fit. Ac- 
cessories: The season's best-looking ties 
are either textured with small geomet- 
ric shapes that show a lot of ground 
color or have rep stripes with lines that 
are less rigid and appear to blend to- 
gether. Traditional shades, such as 
green, navy and red, have been re- 
placed by watercolors and unexpected 
combinations such as pink and olive 
green. Suspenders are still in the pic 
ture but are following ties in terms of 
subtlety and softer colors. A word to 
the unvise: Don't wear suspenders and 
a belt. One or the other is the way to 
go- Another fashion rule of thumb is to 
select brown and rust-colored acces- 
sories rather than black when wearing 
navy or gray. This applies to belts (the 
top look is thin and braided, with a 
brass buckle and a pebble or suede 
grain), to shoes (match cap-toe or wing- 
tip lace-up shoes with suits, and lower- 
vamped slip-ons with sports jackets 
and other casual attire) and to watches 
(an elegant chronograph watch with a 
brown leather band is a smart choice). 
With the return of the French-cuffed 
dress shirt, cuff links are another im- 
portant accessory. Again, subtlety is im- 
portant. Cuff links should be average 
sized and not draw too much attention 
to the wrist. Stay away from stones and 
instead choose something with an 
antique look or a geometric shape in 
matte gold. Finally, the best way to 
narrow the choices in accessories is 
to follow your instincts. If you think 
a tie or cuff link is too loud, weird or 
just not you, you're probably right. 
Don't buy it. 


JOSEPH ABBOUD: 
ALL ABOUT LINEN 


If you buy one new suit or sports jacket this sea- 

son, let itbe made of linen. A longtime favorite of 

European businessmen, this warm-weather fab- 
ricis making its mark Stateside thanks to new construction techniques 
that make it more polished-looking than the linens of the past. Since 
many American men feel they can't carry off the look, we went to Joseph 
Abboud, one of the top European designers, for some tips. 
PLAYBOY: What makes linen more wearable today than in the past? 
ABbOUD: Technology has made the fabric user-friendly. It's now blended 
with silk, cotton and viscose or, in its pure form, has a washed finish. Ei- 
ther way, it’s more drapey. The lines are rounder, not hard-edged like 
knife blades. You get a more supple roll and the comfort level is great. 
PLAYBOY: What do you say to those men who consider linen unkempt? 
ABBOUD: Both the language and the perception of fashion are changing. 
Whereas we once said things were sloppy, the correct term now is re- 
laxed. There's a difference. The stigma of the wrinkle is changing. It's 
being reinterpreted for the Nineties. We're getting away from the mind- 
set, Oh, I wore my linen suit today, now I have to send it to the cleaner. 
With the new linens, the look appears to be more molded to your body. 
It moves with you while retaining a comfortable, easy drape. 
PLAYBOY: But is the relaxed-style suit appropriate to wear to the office? 
ABBOUD: Absolutely. If a man is wearing a shirt and tie, there's no reason 
he can't wear a linen suit to work. In fact, it's my opinion that there's noth- 
ing more handsome than a navy linen suit. 
PLAYBOY: What accessories do you recommend wearing with linen? 
ABBOUD: Bringing linen into your work wardrobe means that you can't 
get too funky with accessories. Take footwear, for example. Sandals or es- 
padrilles won't work. But I love the look of a linen suit paired with clas- 
sic English cap-toe or wing-tip shoes. A soft sneaker-type shoe is great, 
too, if you're wearing the fabric as sportswear. Beyond that, I believe in 
harmony. I don't want to see a white suit with a red tie. Rather, a beauti- 
ful, subtle blend of colors is preferred, such as a natural-colored suit with 
a soft blue shirt and a quiet tie with a hand-painted look. 


PLAYBOY: Can a linen shirt and a linen suit be worn together? 


ABBOUD: The nice thing about linen suits and sports jackets is that they 
look great with everything from classic cotton dress shirts to denim shirts 
to T-shirts. So yes, it is appropriate to combine linens. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you think the fabric has become so popular? 

ABBOUD: It's part of our being less uptight. Formerly, if you wore а dou- 
ble-breasted suit, you couldn't sit down. It was just for posing. I think 
men have learned to take what they love about their jeans and apply it to 
their dress clothes. Linen does just that. 


“Construction workers are all alike. Thirty years behind 
schedule and they're whistling.” 


133 


134 


no 
place 


IF YOU THINK YOUR SECRETS ARE SAFE, READ ABOUT AL SCHWEITZER, PRIVATE EYE 


WHEN AMERICAS top tabloid, the National 
Enquirer, needed an instant profile on 
Jeffrey Dahmer, the editors’ first call 
was to a 33-year-old private detective 
who plied his spookery in the shadow 
of Washington State's Mount Rainier. 
"Today that source, Al Schweitzer, is fac- 
ing prison for being too good at his 
trade. But in better times he billed 
himself as the nation's foremost infor- 
mation broker, and he still recalls with 
pride how he serviced the Enquirer's re- 
quest for background information on 
the murderer from Milwaukee. 

"They wanted Dahmers phone 
number, tolls and military criminal his- 
tory,” says Schweitzer. “I got it all. 
There were only three numbers on his 
phone bill. Two to gay bars in Chicago 
and one to the manufacturer of those 
fifty-five-gallon barrels he put the body 
parts in.” 

To scam Dahmer's numbers from 
Wisconsin Bell, Schweitzer posed as a 
lineman calling in for instructions. It 
was a favorite ruse, one he's also used 
to help the Enquirer and other clients 
play havoc with the private lives of Hol- 
lywood stars. 

“I should put out a directory,” he 
muses. "One of those star maps with 


to 
hide 


every celebrity's unlisted phone num- 
ber on it, plus a description of how you 
figure out new numbers and addresses 
when they change them." 

Until the government stomped on 
him, Schweitzer was the unchallenged 
impresario of one-stop shopping in the 
underground privacy mart, the guy 
you could rely on to get just about any- 
thing not on the public record. Over 
three years, he earned $2 million by 
filching and fencing everything from 
unlisted phone numbers to confiden- 
tial credit histories. He virtually invent- 
ed the art of conning phone companies 
out of their deepest trade secrets. His 
client list includes 500 private investi- 
gators, as well as hotels, airlines and 
other companies. In fact, many of his 
job orders came from insurance com- 
panies looking for nonpublic Social 
Security information in order to veri- 
fy routine workmen's compensation 
claims. 

Not that people in high places aren't 
catching on. Twice the Justice Depart- 
ment has paid Schweitzer the back- 
handed compliment of making him the 
scapegoat for the U.S.'s privacy crisis. 


article by FRANK SNEPP. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ANDRZEJ PAGOWSKI 


In 1989 he was indicted for allegedly 
trying to subvert an IRS agent. The 
case was dropped, but two years later 
he and 17 others, including his wife, 
were charged with attempting to com- 
promise the Social Security Adminis- 
tration's central computer. All pleaded 
guilty, but only three—one of them 
Schweitzer—received jail sentences. 
The Justice Department called the roll- 
up one of the most important com- 
puter fraud cases in U.S. history. Yet, to 
an outsider, the truly striking thing 
is the case’s selectivity. The govern- 
ment failed to go after the clients 
that Schweitzer serviced—all of whom 
were, in effect, his accomplices. 

When Schweitzer complained that 
he'd been unfairly singled out, an FBI 
agent told him the government's objec- 
tive was to cripple the info-brokerage 
business by “cutting off the legs.” 
Schweitzer says such action will only 
drive up the price of purloined “pri- 
vate facts" as newcomers who have 
learned his tricks step in to take up 
the slack. 

Al Schweitzer didn't exactly step out 
cf a Raymond Chandler novel. OK, 
he once shadowed a woman to a phar- 
macy in the (continued on page 142) 


SEATTLE GRUNGE HITS BIG, RAP RAGES, MADONNA 
IS EVERYBODY’S BUSINESS AND BILLY RAY ACHES 


alb || 


LIKE SAN FRANCISCO in the Sixties, Seattle 
in the Nineties is a state of mind. Seat- 
tle is music: Nirvana, Soundgarden, 
Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Mudhoney, 
Mother Love Bone and Temple of the 
Dog. And as Haight-Ashbury was home 
base to hippies, Seattle is the birthplace 
of grunge. As in the Haight, fashion, 
art, style and a new vocabulary domi- 
nate the scene. What's grunge power? 
Pearl Jam, Nirvana et al. overwhelmed 
the music charts in 1992 and the big 
screen in Singles, a romanticized movie 
about grunge and its followers. Even 
the birth of grunge baby Frances Bean 
Cobain, daughter of Nirvana’s Kurt 
Cobain and his wife, Courtney Love, of 
Hole, was big news. Can this sustain it- 
self? In some other town, in other 
garages and small clubs, we'll be learn- 
ing a new word for it. And just 
as hearing While Rabbit on the radio 
brings to mind the Airplane, Smells Like 
Teen Spirit will be playing on some 
oldies station 25 years from now. 

What else happened in 1999? Sex, 
money, censorship and country. As in 
other years, Madonna and Prince com- 
mandeered the sex and money stories. 
Time Warner coughed up a $60 mil- 
lion package for her and a $108 million 
one for him. But Madonna's book, Sex, 
and the accompanying CD, Erotica, and 
Prince's CD and video, Sexy MF, pushed 
their fans' sexual buttons more tban 
those of cash registers. 

Rap is a big tent now and it covers 
the angriest artists, such as Ice-T and 
Ice Cube, with the same canvas it does 
the newer faces: Arrested Develop- 
ment, Disposable Heroes of Hiphop- 
tisy, PM. Dawn and even Marky Mark. 
If you listen carefully, you'll discover 
similar messages coming from com- 
pletely different Some 
menace, some cajole, but all tell us 


messengers. 


things we need to know. If you had lis- 
tened to West Coast rappers before the 
South Central riots, you would have 
heard the warning shots. At issue again 
is the First Amendment. What can an 
artist say and how free is his speech? 
Ice-T voluntarily took Cop Killer off his 
Body Count CD, but Ice Cube's The 
Predator spared no one and shot to the 
top of the Billboard charts, anyway. 
Don't think we're selling women rap- 
pers short. Salt-N-Pepa, TLC, Monie 
Love and Ya Kid K are making music 
to balance the battle of the sexes. TLC, 
however, had a hard time getting their 
responsible-sex message across on the 
public airwaves 

Don't assume for a second that all 
the energy coming from African-Amer- 
ican artists is coming only from rap- 
pers. The beautiful harmony sung by 
Boyz II Men, especially on End of the 
Road from Boomerang, filled up the 
airwaves and made it the top-selling 
single of the year. More sweet sounds 
came from Jodeci, En Vogue, Vanessa 
Williams, Whitney Houston, Caron 
Wheeler and Mary J. Blige. 

Soundtrack LPs were major sellers, 
thanks to the musicians who were will- 
ing to make a great song and not put it 
on their own albums. End of the Road, 
I'd Die Without You, Forever Love and I 
Wanna Love You come immediately to 
mind. As we go to press, Whitney 
Houston's single / Will Always Love You 
from The Bodyguard has gone triple 
platinum. But the champ on the charts 
and with our readers is Wayne's World, 
which spent 44 weeks on the charts 
in 1992 

Music never just stays in its own 
place. Consider Sinéad O'Connor's vis- 
it to Saturday Night Live in October 
1992. She tore up a picture of the 
Pope, blaming him for the world's 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES CAULFIELD 


Body decoration for the- 
Nineties: nose rings, 
tattoos, multiple ear- 
rings, exotic hair 
Visual grunge. 


Voc Martens were. 
invented in la4to Тһе. 
jeans ef footwear 
are now so pular~ 
nat 160,000 pairs 
are made a week. 


Zn the mosh pits, 7 
bandannas are passé. 
Look for flannels and 
baggy clothes — 
anything from Amvets. 


Some advice: Don't rush 
off to Seattle . You may 
be too late. We hear 
Chapel Hill is next. 
Check ovt Superchunk, 


problems. Two weeks later, after being booed at the 
Bob Dylan tribute concert, she announced her retire- 
ment from music. Maybe it’s just а hiatus. Who knows 
more about taking a break than Elvis. who is still dead but 
is a marketer's dream? In 1992 the postmaster general 
appeared on Larry King’s show to announce that people 
would be able to vote for the Elvis stamp they liked best, 
and they did. (The young, sleek Elvis won.) 

Just as R&B was 
stuck in a musical 
ghetto until Mo- 
town—Marvin, 
Smokey, Stevie and 
Diana—pulled it into 
mainstream Ameri- 
ca, country was stuck 
in a world of cow- 
boys, steel guitars 
and the Grand Ole 
Opry. Not anymore. 
The new kids— 
Garth Brooks, Clint 
Black, George Strait, 
Trisha Yearwood, 
Mary-Chapin Car- 
penter and Vince 
Gill—took tradition- 
al country subjects 
and broadencd and 
modernized them 
The result was an 
explosion їп ticket 
sales and in spots on 
the charts Brooks 
had five LPs on the 
chars at the end 
of 1992 for an in- 
credible combina- 
tion of more than 
350 weeks. Even 
Achy Breaky Billy Ray 
Cyrus had legs. His 
album Some Gave All 
went platinum five 
times over. Further 
proof of country’s 
newfound main- 
stream acceptance 
are its young wom- 
en, who have put the 
wigs and sequins on 
hold to tackle love 
and loss in a more 
contemporary vein. 

Contrary to the 
gloom-and-doom 
crowd, rock isn't 
dead or even bleed- 
ing. Rock is annoy- 
ing, challenging, loud and occasionally boorish, but 
in 1992 it went a long way toward electing a new presi- 
dent. Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop was President Bill Clin- 
ton’s campaign theme (his Elvismania, by the way, is real) 
More important, Clinton took his case to MTV, faced a 
tough audience and prevailed. Is it a coincidence that 
first brother, Roger Clinton, reportedly got a record con- 
tract and sang a Sam Cooke ballad at the MTV Inaugur- 

al Ball? We may not see a White House rap concert, 

but we're not ruling it out. It was also a solid year for 


What a year for Madonna (top left), Prince (top right) and Boyz II 
Men (bottom). Madonna's book, Sex, streaked to number one on 
best-seller lists, while her CD, Erotica, reached number two on the 
charts. Prince had a new LP, a hot video and got ready to open a 
second dance club, this one in L.A. But it's Motown artists Boyz П 
Men who get our loudest applause. Cooleyhighharmony went plat- 
inum times four, and End of the Road had the best harmony. 


the perennials—Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Bruce 
Springsteen and Eric Clapton. In fact, Clapton's Un- 
plugged LP (taken from the MTV series) was a major hit, 
and he earned nine Grammy nominations. R.E.M., U2. 
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Spin Doctors, Genesis and Bon 
Jovi all kept the concert halls and the charts rocking 

If we overpredicted jazz's mainstream success, it's 
because we're wowed by the Marsalis brothers, Wynton 
Е and Branford, and 
we've kept a close 
eye on Harry Con- 
nick, Jr's hold on 
concert audiences 
But the truth seems 
more modest. Sade, 
Kenny G, Tony 
Bennett and Shir- 
ley Horn pushed 
through, but no rev- 
olution is in sight 

Other highlights 
in 1999: no more 
free sampling (rap- 
pers will have to pay 
for what they bor- 
row), no more CD 
long boxes (who 


needed them, any- 
way?), no more 
stiffing Fifties acts 


ош of their original 
royalty payments 
(Frankie Lymon's 
Teen Agers may 
soon get theirs) and 
no more Judds’ fare- 
well concerts. Things 
that music lovers 
ought to own: Mo- 
town's Hitsville 1959- 
1971 CDs; the video 
of Bob Dylan's pay- 
per-view 30th anni- 
versary tribute con- 
cert (a.k.a. Bobfest), 
laced with a few 
gems from old 
friends—Lou Reed, 
Johnny Cash and 
Neil Young—and 
new ones—Eddie 
Vedder, Chrissie 
Hynde and Shawn 
Colvin; kd. lang's 
latest. incarnation, 
Ingenue; anything by 
Stevie Ray Vaughan 
and the memorable 
boxed set by the 
great Bob Marley, Songs of Freedom 

The past year closed the songbook on Roy Acuff, Mary 
Wells, Eddie Kendricks, Jeff Porcaro, Roger Miller and 
the great bluesmen Albert King and Willie Dixon. Death 
took them but not the music. Finally, every year we check 
out where the music has been and where it’s going. Well, 
its going strong. It's slammin’, jammin’, rockin’, rollin’ 
It’s even wearing its clothes backward, like Kris Kross. It’s 
getting older and getting younger. Keith Richards turns 
50, Tevin Campbell is 16. It's only rock and roll, but 
we like it . . . still. 


Ш [ ЖКН ЕГ! 


int (3 9 (8) = [5 5 


| MUSIC VIDEO 


RIGHT NOW 
VAN HALEN 


1 SOUNDTRACK 
WAYNE’S WORLD 


When Wayne’s World went from the 
small screen to a full-length motion 
picture, it bombed big. Not! Super- 
studs Wayne and Garth selected their 
favorite tunes—including Queen's 
Bohemian Rhapsody and Hendrix's Foxy 
Lady—for the 1992 hit movie sound- 
track. So party on, dudes—this one's 
gone platinum-plus and has sold 2 
million copies worldwide. 


CONCERT 
OF THE YEAR 
ERIC CLAPTON 


Performing 37 shows in 30 cities, with 
ticket sales of more than $22 million, 
British rocker Eric “Slowhand” Clap- 
ton awed millions of fans this past 
year with his guitar prowess. Clapton 
wasa favorite on the concert circuit in 
the Seventies and Eighties, and in 
1992, his was one of the top ten tours 
in North America. It was no surprise 
to us that PLAYBOY readers voted Clap- 
ton’s the best concert of the year. In 
the Sixties his fans left graffiti on the 
walls proclaiming him God. Nearly 
30 years later, history repeats itself 
and a new generation confirms Clap- 
ton's stature as a music legend. 


HALL OF FAME • FRANK ZAPPA 


SNDEENASK 


L VJ 


STEVE ISAACS 
MTV 


ALBUMS OF THE 
YEAR 


ROCK 


ACHTUNG BABY 
u2 


COUNTRY 


WYNONNA 
WYNONNA JUDD 


JAZZ 


BLUE LIGHT, RED LIGHT 


HARRY 
CONNICK, JR. 


R&B 


FUNKY DIVAS 
EN VOGUE 


A genius ofavant-garde rock, Frank Zappa has provided fans with a healthy dose of insani- 
ty for the better part of three decades. With his 1966 landmark LP Freak Ош, featuring the 
original Mothers of Invention, Zappa’s general craziness established the group’s reputation 
as America's premiere underground band. Zappa started working on solo projects in 1969, 
but he continued his irreverent commentary, both musically and personally, in his battle 


against censorship of rock lyrics. He's been called a musical charlatan, an impostor and a 
put-on. But Frank Zappa is never boring, How many guys can write a ballet and Call Any Veg- 


etable? pLavwoy honors and applauds our latest inductee into the Playboy Music Hall of Fame. 


1333 PLAYBOY MUSIC Poll WINNERS 


© GENESIS, GROUP/ROCK [2] VANESSA WILLIAMS, FEMALE VOCALIST/R&B 
© KENNY G, INSTRUMENTALIST/JAZZ о MARIAH CAREY, FEMALE VOCALIST/ROCK 
Ө ELTON JOHN, INSTRUMENTALIST/ROCK @ EN VOGUE, GROUP/R&B 
@ GARTH BROOKS, MALE VOCALIST/COUNTRY 


© REBA MCENTIRE, FEMALE VOCALIST/COUNTRY © THE MANHATTAN TRANSFER, 
GROUP/JAZZ @ ERIC CLAPTON, MALE VOCALIST/ROCK @ NATALIE COLE, 
FEMALE VOCALIST/JAZZ (D LUTHER VANDROSS, MALE VOCALIST/R&B 
(B Harry CONNICK, JR., MALE VOCALIST/JAZZ Ф) ALABAMA, GROUP/COUNTRY 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOE FOURNIER 


PLAYBOY 


142 


no place to hide (continued from page 134) 


“Let's say Im out to get your bank account. I'll just 


call up the phone company and be you. 


299 


Seattle area to find out what medica- 
tion she was on (it was for herpes), and 
occasionally he'll rifle a target’s trash 
cans. But fieldwork is not his choice 
and his favorite weapon is not a snub- 
nosed .38. It is a telephone, which he 
uses to seduce potential sources and 
even Ma Bell herself. His rule of 
thumb: Never show your face. 

То reach Schweitzer you call his pri- 
vate 800 number, which is a telling in- 
troduction. Any call to an 800 number 
automatically produces a toll record of 
the caller's location, but competitors 
who try to tease that file out of a phone 
company will discover that 800 records 
are the hardest to find. Right off the 
bat, Schweitzer is a step ahead of his 
competition. 

For his first on-the-record press in- 
terview, Schweitzer shows up in baggy 
purple shorts and a cutoff Hard Rock 
Cafe sweatshirt. His bristling haircut 
and his chain-smoking are holdovers 
from his days as a peacetime U.S. Army 
enlistee, and he speaks with the bluff 
staccato of Claude Akins pitching Aam- 
co auto repairs. On first encounter, this 
premiere information scavenger comes 
across like an aggressively genial repo 
man, the twitching mustache and pi- 
ano-key smile poor camouflage for a 
personality brimming over with yuppie 
acquisitiveness. 

At his home in Sumner, Washington, 
a half hour drive from Seattle, the rav- 
ages of multiple lawsuits have left 
Schweitzer short of furnishings. He has 
managed to hold on to a dachshund 
named Dynamite, as well as a Ranger 
bass boat and an extensive weapons 
collection. The only thing wrong with 
his state-of-the-art stereo is that he 
plays it a little too loud. This, he ex- 
Plains, is to frustrate eavesdroppers. 

Not far away, on Sumner's Main 
Street, Schweitzer’s two-room office sits 
atop a bar named Sharkey’s, within 
earshot of the railroad tracks where the 
freights rumble past five times a day. 
The FBI brought in dollies a year ago 
and cleaned out the place, leaving only 
a few sticks of furniture and a World 
War One helmet. When a visitor ar- 
tives, Petra Schweitzer, a striking baby- 
faced blonde who doubles as her hus- 
band’s secretary, offers coffee and then 
disappears to let the two talk. 

Schweitzer has another rule of 
thumb: Never tell on yourself. 

But like all con men, he is an actor, 
unable to resist a bit of grandstanding. 


He eventually cracks the door on him- 
self, while letting you know that there's 
no place to hide from the likes of him. 

After leaving the Army in 1980, says 
Schweitzer, he worked as a bouncer 
and a pile driver in California. He then 
became an apprentice PI. doing un- 
dercover jobs for the cops in Silicon 
Valley. Both he and his wife posed as 
coke brokers inside some of the Valley's 
toniest firms, hauling down 20 buyers 
in one sting alone. 

In this capacity he honed the acting 
skills that would later serve him well. 
But he also burned out fast and be- 
came disenchanted with the way pri- 
vate investigators operate. Most of 
them, he says, are retired FBI agents 
or cops who don't have the foggiest 
idea how to get information without a 
badge or subpoena power. 

Schweitzer decided to make up for 
that deficiency by cobbling together a 
network of sources whose wisdom he 
could sell back to his gumshoe friends. 
In 1986, with $5000 in his pocket, he 
and his wife hung out a PI. shingle in 
rural Washington. They dubbed them- 
selves the Information Desk and went 
hunting for what they needed. “While 
everybody was chasing clients, I was 
chasing sources,” Schweitzer recalls 
gleefully. “Sources make the world go 
round.” 

‘The search was improvisatory. There 
are no rule books. Schweitzer staked 
out bars and airline terminals, striking 
up conversations with strangers, taking 
names and addresses when he hap- 
pened upon someone who worked for 
a phone company or utilities firm. He 
haunted employee parking lots outside 
banks and credit bureaus and noted 
the license-plate numbers of the shab- 
bier cars. The condition of the vehide, 
says Schweitzer, is a clue to those who 
may be willing to spy for extra cash. 
Meanwhile, he raided the source lists 
of other PLs, slyly inserting himself be- 
tween client and provider, always offer- 
ing the source a little more than he was 
already getting. 

Above all, Schweitzer listened to the 
cupidity in his soul and made it his 
guide. "Everybody has a price," he 
says. "It's just a matter of finding out 
what it is." In two years he paid one 
source $80,000 without tax vouch- 
ers, an oversight that eventually got 
Schweitzer in dutch with the IRS. He 
compromised three or four other 
sources for $15,000 a year, but more 


often the going rate per job was $100 
to $200, depending on what he was 
looking for. Information and instruc- 
tions were invariably traded over the 
phone, and payments were made in 
cash by way of Federal Express 
overnight letters with blind return ad- 
dresses—all in keeping with Schweit- 
zers passion for anonymity. Often, 
he'd have a particularly productive 
source set up a front company and 
receive payments through it so a con- 
tract employee's 1099 form could be 
issued at year’s end to keep the 
IRS happy. 

Schweitzer wasn't above pressuring 
sources into working for him, either. 
When he'd discover, for instance, that a 
customer-service rep or utilities ac- 
count manager at a phone company 
was already servicing another PI., he'd 
cold-call the compromised soul and 
warn that if he or she didn't come to 
work for him, the boss might find out. 

Eventually, though, the reach of 
Schweitzer's expanding business out- 
stripped the reach of his sources. Par- 
ticularly disruptive was the forced 
breakup of the phone companies, 
which immediately multiplied the 
number of targets he had to access for 
unlisted numbers and phone tolls. To 
compensate for the resulting gaps in 
his human circuitry, he began relying 
on his thespian skills to con what he 
couldn't steal. He quickly mastered the 
finer points of the computer-age scam. 

“Its important to remember,” says 
Schweitzer, “that customer-service reps 
are there to be helpful.” Also vital: “By 
claiming to be the person whose 
records you аге requesting, you can get 
ninety percent of what you're after.” 
And finally: "Creditors talk to credi- 
tors, banks talk to banks and phone 
companies talk to phone companies. So 
if you pretend to be a rep from one of 
those outfits and call for information 
from another, you're likely to get it.” 

In the argot of the trade, such scams 
are known as “gags” or “pretexts,” and 
you have to be shameless—with a touch 
of Brando—to pull them off. 

"Let's say I'm out to get your bank 
account and I already know your 
name, address and phone number" 
Schweitzer posits. “I'll just call up the 
phone company and be you. I'll say, 
"You're not going to believe this, Ma 
Bell. I know I paid you last month, but 
I forgot to write it in my check register. 
Can you tell me what day you got that 
and how much it was for? And by the 
way, when is my next bill due and for 
how much?’ The customer-service rep 
will be glad to help. 

“Now I change hats,” Schweitzer 
continues. “With this information, and 
pretending to be the phone company, 

(continued on page 162) 


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оок AROUND. Only three years into the Nineties and already there's an attractive, smart first lady in the White House 
and four new, energetic female senators—as well as a coast-to-coast army of women working daily to change the stub- 


bled face of the nation. Forget the year of the woman—this is shaping up to be the decade of the woman. As we pulled 
together our spring college package, we began to wonder if hope and optimism are as evident on America’s campuses as 
they are on Washington's front lines. The answer, as they say in Congress, is a unanimous aye. PLAYBOY Contributing Pho- 
tographers David Chan and David Mecey visited quads nationwide and discovered that today's female college students are 
feeling good about their futures—and themselves. They can juggle premed studies with a workout at the gym and still have 
time for an all-night bacchanalia. They're looking great and are proud to show it. Have a look. You'll see what we mean 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN AND DAVID MECEY 


Revelers at Southern Illinois University 
wave hello (above), and classmate Tamara 
Unverzagt (right) catches some rays. “I love 
being outdoors,” says Tam, a nursing stu- 
dent who likes to relax on horseback. A yen 
for the equestrian life is shared by Arizona 
State's Marlee Ravenscroft (top right), who 
makes a hobby of showing horses. On 
campus, Marlee’s an accounting major. 


STUDENT BODIES 


higher learning never looked better 


SAN DIEGO si 
UNIVERSITY 


Amanda Roberts (above right) is а senior at 
the University of Georgia. While good looks 
run in her family—Mom was Miss Arkansos 
in the Fifties—Amanda hopes to step to the 
other end of the lens ond create “erotic” 
photography. Doni Thompson (above lefi), o 
psych тојог at Central Michigan University, 
also has a laudable ambition: “to pioneer a 
sex education curriculum far school children.” 
Bravo, we say—as might her classmates (left), 
who unfurled the Rabbit banner in our honor. 


Lisa Parafinowicz (abave) is a model and 
ovid dancer who is studying health fitness 
at Central Michigan University. A Michigan 
native, Lisa hopes a physical therapy co- 
reer will take her out of state. Says San 
Diega State's Shelley Nunn (above right): 
“I like driving fast and listening ta my 
boyfriend play his guitar.” But the junior 
soves her highest praise far Mom—as does 
Georgia's Kelley Collins (right), wha studies 
fomily consumer science ond journalism. 


2 SAN Dieco se 


$ UNIVERSITY 


Moving clockwise from above, meet University of Colorodo's Judy Her- 
nandez, о senior who (sorry, guys) loves “spending time with my hus- 
band.” Freshman Shannon Frontz studies fashion merchandising ot Boll 
Stote University, with time out for gymnastics and cheerleading. Ball State 
classmate Ayano Smith loves watching children learn. Her passion is 
perfectly suited to her mojor: elementary education. San Diego State's 
Sherry Norton is o southem California girl who wos one of those lote 
bloomers. “So to be in PLAYBOY,“ she says, “is just a dream." Catrina Falbo 
(opposite page) is also from San Diego State. The sophomore is a business 
major who's determined to become “a big-time marketer.” We're sold 


Caitlin Bishap (below), an SDSU junior, has a 
taste for the ramantic—the art and language 
of France, where she lived for ten years. 


A tria from the University of Texas: Colleen 
Roberts (left) relaxes by lifting weights. The ra- 
diant junior is а biochem mojor and a future 
neurascientist. Seniar Jennifer Campbell (bot- 
tom left) is a music lover eyeing a doctorate 


in biolagical psych, while Jennifer Dagnan 
(below) would like to become a doctor—or 
a Cawboys cheerleader. Why not both? 


Hotly pursuing titles in fitness competitions is 
Notosho Alberico (below) from California State 
University, Chico. Her credo in life is “to excel.” 


Hitting the showers (right) ore Amanda Stites (at 
lefi) and Toby et from Arizona State Univer- 
sity. Mandy likes “anything adventurous,” while 
Toby hopes to become a news anchorwoman. 
Meet Janice “Jams” Krish (bottom right), a Uni- 
versity of Vermont English mojor and aspiring 
saxophonist. Below, a study-breaking crew from 
Arizono State sets sail under the desert sun. 


San Diego State freshman Sonja Fulton (above left), a model-actress, claims 
half-Russian, half-German roots. She likes to globe-trot, in part “to find my 
true love.” Budding writer Cee Cee Layton (above), from Chico State, canfesses 
ta а certain eccentricity. "My sister calls me a wild lady,” she says, "and 1 have 
to agree.” Straight from the dean's list at Arizona State comes Delisa Deleo 
(left), who's double-barreling her way through biology and chemistry studies. 
Belaw, undergrads from the University of Colorado let aff steam with a 
tug-of-war-of-the-sexes. Chico State's Stacie Smith (opposite page) is o gen- 
vine down-home girl. “You can take the girl out af the country,” she says, 
“but you can't take the country out of the girl.” Stacie, we'd never try. 


CINDY CRAWFORD 


n 1989, New York magazine called 

ee Cindy Crawford, now 27, 
“the Face . . . а model for the Nineties.” But 
even then it was clear that Crawford didn’t 
need anyone to make that pronouncement. 
She had already been on more than 200 
magazine covers and had become part of the 
Revlon pantheon, snaring millions of dol- 
lars for a few days’ work a year. Crawford, 
though, is no rich slouch. She also hosts an 
MTV show, “House of Style,” has put out 
best-selling provocative solo calendars and 
has posed nude for PLAYBOY. She married 
Richard Gere after a four-year courtship 
and has just released her oum exercise video. 
Now when she graces a magazine cover, the 
story is often about her rather than fashion. 
Contributing Editor David Rensin talked 
with Crauford poolside at the home she 
shares with Gere in Los Angeles. Rensin re- 
ports: “Soon after we began, Gere came 
home and ambled over to say hi. An hour 
later, he returned lo say ‘I want my wife. The 
intervieu's over.’ 1 bargained for more time. 
Later, Gere and Crauford. tooled around 
their kitchen discussing schedules. Suddenly, 
Gere said, ‘By the way, I'm going to knock 
up my wife tonight.’ Crawford winced. 
"Richard" she groaned. ‘Now that's going to 
be in the interview.’ She was wrong. It’s on- 
by in the introduction.” 


PLAYBOY: Do women know what they're 
showing every moment they're show- 
ing it? 

CRAWFORD: Models learn early that the 
camera could be shooting at any sec- 
ond. So even if I drop an earring or 


кк. Im fixing my 
america’s shoe, I do it in a 
e way that I think 
favorite would be aesthet- 
^ ically pleasing. 
working However, when 
models become 
model on actresses, we are 
stalkers, NOW теоре cam. 
and fi t 
tocookand ous 
eat corn and 2. 
the day she зушы, 
got her life herself whether 
or not she will 


pose nude. What 
are the best and 
worst reasons— 
including your 


in gere 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY LANCE STAEOLER 


own—for posing in the nude? 
CRAWFORD: Women аге particularly 
hard on themselves and their bodies, 
so if you trust the photographer, to 
capture a beautiful moment is great. 1 
the mirror, you mostly see whats 
wrong. Seeing yourself through anoth- 
er person's eyes helps you appreciate 
yourself, Then you can say, “God, all 
that working out is paying off,” or “I'm 
going to save this until I'm fifty, when 
everything's down to my knees.” The 
worst reason to do nudity is for money. 
You live to regret exploiting yourself. 
When I did praysoy, I got letters from 
women who didn't consider it feminist 
to do nude photographs. I thought the 
whole point of being a feminist was that 
you got to make your own choices. 


ab 


PLAYBOY: Where do you draw the line? 
What wouldn't you do in front of a 
camera? 

CRAWFORD: For one photo, I was asked 
to carry a gun. They thought it would 
look cool. I disagreed. It added noth- 
ing. They said, "You're a model and 
that's what you do." So I said, "Listen, 
I'm for gun control. I don't want to 
promote people running around with 
guns just because you think it's chic." 


4. 


rLAYBOY: When you find a guy staring, 
how do you interrupt his reverie? 
CRAWFORD: Usually it's easy to ignore. 
But today I was on the freeway and a 
good-looking guy in a Miata was driv- 
ing next to me. He kept looking over, 
speeding up, slowing down. | hate 
that! I kept looking over to see if he was 
gone, and he probably thought I was 
looking at him. I don't think it regis- 
tered who I was. He probably thought 
I was just some cute girl. Most people 
don’t flirt with me now because they 
know I'm married and to whom. So, 
message to the guy in the Miata: You're 
cute, but I'm married. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: When you married Richard 
Gere, you chose a quickie Vegas wed- 
ding. Was it everything you imagined? 
CRAWFORD: A major delight was the ab- 
sence of paparazzi hovering in heli- 
copters. Also, since I had only a couple 
hours’ notice, there was no planning, 
no figuring out who to invite. I didn't 
have to worry about a wedding dress, 
either, I've worn so many wedding 


dresses for Brides magazine that the 
thrill was gone, anyway. The rest was 
just like a traditional wedding. We were 
both laughing and smiling and looking 
at each other. And it was serious. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: What domesuc behavior in 
men drives you crazy? 

CRAWFORD: When they offer to help and 
then they don't. Like, "Can I do any- 
thing?" and you say, "Yeah," and then 
they stand there looking lost. 


7. 


PLAYBOY: What tells you a photograph- 
er doesn't know what he's doing? 
CRAWFORD: | look at the lighting. 1 
know what good lighting is. ] know 
what makes me look good. So if the 
light is going to make me look like 
Frankenstein's bride, I don't trust the 
photographer. It's not good for me to 
have bad pictures out. No one says the 
photographer is terrible—they say 
Cindy looks terrible. They forget 
don't control the light. I don't care how 
good the makeup is, how beautiful the 
hair is, in bad light you look like shit. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Complete the sentence: Fash- 
ion photographers are frustrated. . . . 
crawrorb: When they work past five. 
And so is Cindy. 


9; 


PLAYBOY: You're a corn-fed Illinois girl. 
"Tell us the best way to prepare and to 
саг corn. 

CRAWFORD: I usually throw it into boil- 
ing water for eight to ten minutes. 1 eat 
it typewriter style, with butter and pep- 
per but no salt. And no corn holders. 
I'm too lazy to stick them in. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: David Letterman once did a 
top-ten list of models’ complaints. One 
was that Paulina Porizkova's husband, 
Ric Ocasek, gave geeky guys the im- 
pression that models really could be in- 
terested in them. Is that just a funny 
line, or do average guys really have a 
shot at a beautiful woman? What's your 
advice for men who find themselves 
in love with an impossibly beautiful 
woman? Are there typical mistakes to 
avoid? 

CRAWFORD: Ric i: ge-looking guy. 
But he's nice, and if a guy is nice, why 
not? There are two reasons so many 


PLAYBOY 


156 


models are with famous people: One, 
they happen to be the people they meet, 
and two, famous people can understand 
each other's lifestyle, the pressures of be- 
ing a celebrity, of just walking through 
an airport. If my husband were Mr. Wall 
Street, don’t you think it would be hard 
for him to see me doing nude pictures or 
running all over the world? But if you're 
with someone who has to go off to make 
movies and who does love scenes with 
other women, it creates a certain kind of 
understanding. 

Every woman wants to feel beautiful. 
Sometimes when a guy is with a beautiful 
woman, he doesn’t compliment her be- 
cause he thinks, Oh, she knows already. 
Not true. I have fat days, ugly days, 
blimp days, days that 1 just feel terrible 
about myself. And then there are guys 
who make you feel that all they care 
about is how you look. I don't want to 
have to be beautiful all the time. I want 
to be able to look cruddy in my weekend 
sweats, with a pimple on my face and 
pimple cream on top of the pimple. The 
expectation to always be beautiful both- 
ers me. 


11. 


PLAYBOY: What kinds of things don't look 
good on you? 

CRAWFORD: Hats, except for baseball caps. 
And bicyde shorts. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: What is the toughest topic you 
have covered on MTV's House of Style? 

crawrorb: They wanted me to interview 
Madonna, but I was too scared. Гуе seen 
interviews she’s done with women, and 1 


didn't want her to be mean to me. I don't. 
think she wanted to be interviewed by 
me, either, so my producer did it. 1 
wasn’t ready for that kind of humilia- 
tion. Thats probably something I 
should work on. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: What is the most interesting 
conversation you have had with a 
designer? 

CRAWFORD: 1 asked Jean-Paul Gaultier 
how he got started in designing. He said 
he used to have a teddy bear when he 
was seven years old, and he would make 
cone bras for it—like he does now for 
Madonna. Apparently, he was intrigued 
by what he found in his grandmother's 
lingerie drawer. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: On House of Style you did a show 
about breast implants. All the models 
you interviewed said, “Not me, mine are 
real.” What do you know that we don't? 
CRAWFORD: [Laughs] We had a little trou- 
ble with that. I thought it would be cool 
for these women to talk about implants, 
that it might be helpful to others who 
had them or were considering them, But 
no one wanted to get personal. They 
wouldn't answer the questions. And be- 
cause they're friends, and since I don't 
believe in negative gossip, I didn't fecl it 
was my business to tell vhose were real 
and whose weren't. [Smiles] Of course, 
is easy to say because I have real 
and I'm not that attached to their 
size. Maybe I can't relate to their prob- 
lem. But the idea of putting something 
fake into my body scares me. Women say 


C? таш To ski — 


“Single male seeks single female of any age with 
compulsive cleaning idis ? 


they do it for their boyfriends or for 
modeling. Well, Linda Evangelista is a 
top model and she's very small, It's an 
interesting women's issue, especially 
since lots of eighteen-year-old girls are 
running out to get implants. We also had 
guys talking about the implants. I want- 
ed to know if they liked them, and most 
didn't. Most of my guy friends hate the 
way artificial breasts feel. So why do it? 


Aog 


PLAYBOY: When isn't a model beautiful? 
CRAWFORD: Ugly behavior makes every- 
one ugly. Temper tantrums. Acting like a 
slut. If we're shooting bikini bottoms at a 
hotel, you don’t walk topless through the 
lobby. You cover up until you get to your 
little area. I'm not an exhibitionist, but 
some models are, and I get embarrassed 
around them because I think people 
then think all models are that way. Also, 
showing up late. Tardiness is the biggest 
disrespect. It’s saying that your time is 
more important than everyone else's. 
Unfortunately, my husband is always 
fifteen minutes late, but I forgive him be- 
cause at least he is dependably fifteen 
minutes late. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: Should kids model? 

CRAWFORD: No. A set is not a healthy en- 
vironment for a kid. I've seen five-year- 
old girls putting on mascara, and it 
makes me sick. And they won't sharc 
their hair ribbons with other five-year- 
old models because they want to look 
better. It's: “Those are my hair ribbons!" 
When puberty hits, you're already so 
self-conscious of the way you look. It 
shouldn't happen any faster. So when 
people ask me about this, Ї say, yeah, 
your kid’s cute, but a kid’s not really go- 
ing to make that much money modeling. 
There are hundreds of kids on every go- 
see. Maybe you get one big commercial, 
but some parent has to schlepp these 
kids around. And if they're in a bad 
mood the day the director’s looking at 
them, you're out of luck. When I have 
kids, they won't model unless they get 
the idea on their own. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: Have you experienced celebrity 
stalking firsthand? 

CRAWFORD: When I was modeling in New 
York, a guy started following me. He 
found out my address and phone num- 
ber. When he saw me leaving my apart- 
ment with a suitcase, he broke in. Once 
in, he had my keys reproduced. He was 
a professional burglar. Then he slept in 
my bed every night. He would call be- 
fore he came over, and if no one an- 
swered, he figured the coast was clear. 
One night he called when I had just got- 
ten back from China. I picked up the 
id hello, and he said, “Is this 
and I said yes. He said, “You 


know the top lefi-hand drawer of your 
dresser, where you keep the two-dollar 
bill that your grandmother gave you for 
your sixteenth birthday?" I got very 
scared, but 1 pushed the record button 
оп my answering machine and taped the 
conversation. He wanted to meet right 
then. He said he was coming over—it 
was two o'clock in the morning. I said, 
“I'm out of here, but ГЇЇ meet you for 
lunch tomorrow.” I told him I was bring- 
ing someone because ] wouldn't meet 
him alone. He said, “Yeah, but you bet- 
ter not bring any cops.” We made 
arrangements. Then І called the police. 
The next day I didn't have time to get 
wired, so the police told me to get a con- 
fession from him in front of my friend 
and then get back the keys to my apart- 
ment as evidence. "They said I should 
take my sunglasses off the table and put 
them on my head, and that would be 
their signal to arrest him. So I was drink- 
ing iced cappuccino, waiting, trying to 
keep it together, and the guy walked up. 
He looked around to find out where the 
exits were, then just came over and 
threw the keys down. He said, “Here are 
your keys back, I'm sorry.” And my 
friend just lost it. 1 asked, "Are you on 
drugs? Arc you out of your mind? What 
do you mean, you're sorry? You don't 
live in someone else's apartment. Exact- 
ly how did you get in?" And the guy 
started to tell us. Then I put my sun- 
glasses on and the undercover cops ar- 
rested him. He plea-bargained and went 


Moby ас rue meto y that | TENNESSEE MORNING is a fine time co 
18. catch up on things with your neighbors. 


M you haven't visited Jack Daniels country, we hope you do soon. The fills are particularly nice about now. 


PLAYBOY: What’s the deal with bikini 
waxing? Р The talk may be of crops, government or the 


CRAWFORD: I know. It's weird, is But 


ifyou want to wear those litle things, i's | Value of a good bird dog. But sooner or later it’s 

necessary. bound to get around to whiskey. You see, we 
19. 2 ‚р 

san se to ner | began rng ck Daniel's Tennessee 

Se oe ке о Whiskey in these hills in 1866, so 

клитор: I bet my dad wo hundred | the subject is always top of mind. 

dollars in sixth grade that I would get 


straight As all through junior high | Especially when the day rolls around 


school. And high school, also. And I did. H H 
Toccasionally gota Bona paper, burno | ТО а Tennessee evening. A time 


on my report cards. I was afraid 1 was | hep you'll heap БОДЛЕР people 


going to lose my bet. I realize now what 


a fool I was. Seven years of straight A's is talking about our whiskey. And 


worth a lot more than two hundred MES 
bucks! more of them enjoying it. 
20. 
PLAYBOY: Of what animal noises do you SMOOTH SIPPIN’ 
have a virtuosic command? TENNESSEE WHISKEY 


CRAWFORD: None. I have a stupid human 
trick, though. [Demonstrates] 1 can touch 
my nose with my tongue. 


Tennessee Whiskey + 40-43% alcohol by volume (80-86 proof) = Distilled and Bottled by 
Jack Daniel Distillery, Lem Моон. Proprietor, Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop 361), Tennessee 37352 
El  Placedin the National Register of Historic Places bythe United States Government. 


PLAYBOY 


158 


CAR 5 РҮ (continued from page 120) 


“It’s rumored that Lexus will be offering convertible 
versions of the sexy SC 300 and SC 400 coupes.” 


the Sixties’ 3.8 Mark II compact sedan. 
Contrary to rumors that the badly need- 
ed affordable four-door will share a 
"Iopaz-Iempo platform, we're certain it 
will be rear-drive, all-Jaguar and not 
available here until 1998. By 1996 
Jaguar will have its own modular engi 
family, which will include everything 
from 2.5-liter V6s to 6-liter V12s. 

Saab's 1994 900 successor will be seen 


later this year in Frankfurt. Top-of-the- 
line versions join a 2.5-liter GM V6 en- 
gine with components from the Opel 
Vectra (GM Europe owns Opel and 50 
percent of Saab). Rumors persist that all- 
wheel-drive and a six-speed gearbox are 
part of the update. 

It’s still unclear whether we will see 
combination models from recent part- 
ners Volvo and Renault. But imagine an 


“Well! And what's a nice girl like you doing in 
a clichéd situation like this?” 


extremely safe car with French flair. 
Formidable! 


JAPANESE MODELS 


In addition to unveiling a Lexus 
coupe-inspired Celica complete with 
dual air bags, an improved engine and 
more, Toyota will introduce a Camry 
coupe in 1994 that has been designed to 
challenge the Honda Accord. United 
States vendors have leaked Toyota's 
plans for a full-sized, six-passenger, 
America-only sedan, which may be built 
at its Camry plant in Georgetown, Ken- 
tucky. Despite a lackluster initial recep- 
tion for its V6 T100 pickup, Toyota de- 
nies it is considering a V8 version, 
reportedly with a GM-supplied engine, 
but it'll eventually have to have a V8 to 
be competitive here. Unfortunately, ru- 
mors persist that production of the nim- 
ble but slow-selling МА? may be discon- 
tinued at the end of the 1993 model 
year. We hope not. 

Toyota's Lexus division has been ex- 
tremely secretive about its plans for the 
upcoming model years; however, it's 
been rumored that it will be offering 
convertible versions of the sexy SC 300 
and SC 400 coupes. Sorry, V12 engines 
aren't in the picture. 

Honda's hot-selling Accord sedan will 
be all-new for 1994. Expect conservative 
styling changes and an optional V6 en- 
gine at last. Honda's long-awaited mini- 
van is a distinct possibility for 1995. 

Acura will introduce a much sportier, 
wedge-shaped Integra by this summer, 
reportedly with a 175-hp full-time all- 
wheel-drive in top versions. Look for an 
even hotter 2-liter Integra variant, code- 
named ZR-X, to appear later. And for 
1995, the slow-selling Acura Vigor will 
get a major overhaul. 

Nissan will update both its 240 SX and 
Maxima for 1994, but with limited me- 
chanical changes. And its Infiniti divi- 
sion plans variants ofits Jaguaresque J30 
sedan, but not until 1995. 

Mitsubishi will present a totally re- 
designed Galant in June 1993 and a 
completely changed Eclipse will bow the 
following spring. Its 3000 GT flagship 
will be redesigned in 1996. 

Coming off a major new-product pro- 
gram, Mazda will have few all-new mod- 
els for 1994 and 1995. The long-ru- 
mored “stealth” MX-5 Miata may be a 
no-show, but we can expect a mild fresh- 
ening of the Explorer-based Navajo 
sports utility, followed by an all-new MPV. 

Subaru’s first new subcompact in eight 
years, the Impreza sedan and sports 
wagon, will hit the streets shortly. 

Finally, Isuzu has pulled its cars out of 
the U.S. market to focus solely on trucks 
and sports utilities. It is even building a 
version of their Rodeo sports utility for 
Honda. This will stall the redesign of the 
Impulse-based Geo Storm until 1995. 


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159 


PLAYBOY 


FLIRTING „о 


“There’s nothing wrong with the woman making the 


first move. Matter of fact, it’s an act of charity.” 


make sexual advances, because it could 
be seeking an opportunity to make sexu- 
al advances. On the other hand, a man 
should help ensure that his companion 
gets home safely, and that may mean see- 
ing her home. There is no crime in seek- 
ing a goodnight kiss or more. There is a 
crime in not knowing the meaning of the 
word no. A feminist man knows that no 
is not maybe. In fact, a feminist man 
knows that playing hard to get works for 
men just as well as it does for women, so 
Jong as you make it clear that you are an 
enlightened, sexually interested he-man 
and not a friendly, platonically inclined 
nancy boy. A man can always say: “You 
may kiss me now.” 

OK, we love you women for your 
brains, but Ict’s face it, those secondary 
sexual characteristics are also quite com- 
pelling. So what is the politically correct 
position on the thong? (Part of me is 
tempted to answer “on top,” but that 
is the old me talking.) As feminist sympa- 
thizers, how are men to react to clothing 
that is erotically stimulating? I'm not 
quite sure. I guess with careful enthusi- 
asm and guarded ardor. 1 don't believe 


that low-cut dresses and high-heeled 
shoes are wrong. But I am definitely op- 
posed to foot binding in any form and 
you can take that to the bank. 

In any sexual relationship, or poten- 
tial sexual relationship, there is an elab- 
orate courting behavior, and that code is 
being changed by feminism. Not only is 
it OK for a woman to ask a man for a 
date, I think it's necessary. Not all the 
time, but some of the time. If women can 
fly military aircraft, they can also call me 
up for a date. (Not that I'd go out with a 
combat pilot, that was just an example.) 
The same is true when it comes to 
making a relationship more intimate. 
There's nothing wrong with the woman 
making the first move. In fact, with the. 
burden of political original sin carried by 
males, it's an act of charity for the 
woman to make the first move. Perhaps 
our restraint is borne out of respect for a 
woman's right to choose and to control 
her own body. So hurry up already. 
We're waiting by the phone. We're wait- 
ing for a kiss. 

When it comes to actual seduction, 
feminism hasaltered the rules a bir. Flat- 


“In what other ways have the new tax laws affected you?" 


tery is still OK, but it had better be real- 
istic. Promises arc still OK, so long as 
you keep them. But remember, surveys 
have shown that many women consider 
verbal coercion a form of date rape. This 
would seem to make pleading an obso- 
lete strategy. I find the most modern sc- 
duction line to be the simple, elegant 
and touching "I just want to be held." 

Has your girlfriend referred to your 
relationship as sleeping with the enemy? 
You could be on the verge of serious 
trouble. She could be making a general 
observation about the war between men 
and women, but she may be dropping a 
hint about the specific location of your 
differences. One of the best ways to pro- 
mote peace, love and harmony with a 
feminist lover is to make sure she comes 
and comcs again. There arc few morc lc- 
gitimate gripes a hetero woman can 
make about a hetero man than that his 
interests in bed are selfish. When in bed 
with a feminist, use your head 

"The thing we must always remember 
in our dealings with feminists is that 
things can only get better. In the short 
term we may have to accept blame and 
anger that we feel we don't deserve. It 
may be caused by the actions of other 
men. But, as in the case of race relations, 
we must be understanding and tolerant. 
Women have reason to be pissed. As our 
culture straightens out, things will get 
better on a personal level. We must be 
prepared to question our own behavior, 
but we must always remember that we 
are men, and that is OK. But if we aren't 
part of the solution, yo, we're part of the 
problem. 

The point at which we should get wor- 
ried is when we start wondering if het 
erosexuality is sexist. At this point we 
can only hope that it is not too late for 
us. On an episode of Seinfeld, Elaine car- 
ries a gift on the subway on her way to a 
lesbian wedding, a fact that she lets slip 
to an older woman who reacts with hor- 
ror. “Oh, no,” Elaine says. “I'm not a les- 
bian! I hate men but I'm not a lesbian.” 

Let's face it: We live in a world where 
there are many heterosexual men and 
women whose attraction for the other 
gender is proportional to their dislike 
for that gender. But if things are ever go- 
ing to improve, if men and women are 
ever going to find love, they had better 
find like first. Think of the thousands of 
songs, poems and films devoted to the 
subject of love between man and woman. 
And think how few are devoted to the 
subject of like. 

If you are a man who is interested in 
women sexually but has no women 
friends, then you are a dinosaur. You 
may as well turn yourself over to the au- 
thorities right now, darling. Maybe you'll 
receive some consideration as an endan- 
gered species. Either that or take a 


course in feminism. The more you learn 
about women, the more you'll learn 
about yourself. And maybe you'll meet 
some informative and educated females 
in the process. Male chauvinism is a 
dead end. Male feminism is the only way 
10 achieve the desired bonding (or what 
you might call "getting laid") in today's 
political climate. So you'd better support 
the feminist agenda before it sends you 
reeling into the past with a historical 
sucker punch. 

One way to support the feminist agen- 
da and bring joy into your life is through 
affirmative action. Hire more women 
and pay them more than you would men 
in a similar position. ‘To hell with equal 
pay. Give them more. I’m paying war 
reparations, And I hire women every 
chance I get. Every person I have em- 
ployed in recent years has been a 
woman. You may question my motives 
here. I know I have. But I am comfort- 
able working with women—and besides, 
the last male assistant I had would rou- 
tinely apologize for mistakes by saying, 
"Sorry, I must have spaced on it." My fe- 
male assistants have generally not apolo- 
gized at all, and they have never spaced. 

But as men dealing with feminists, we 
must always be prepared to apologize, 
and when it comes to our behavior to- 
ward our beloved, esteemed and desired 
sisters, we must never, ever space on it. 
We must examine our lives, our words 
and our ways of thinking and behaving. 
In a way, men and women grow up in 
quite different cultures, and what we say 
and what they hear us say, and what they 
say and what we hear them say are some- 
times radically different. Above all, we 
must learn to speak the same language. 

How do we do that? The simple truth 
is that honesty is the best policy. It’s more 
attractive than a Macho-vellian bed: 
manner based on cornball seduction 
rhetoric. If you don't want your love life 
to be a war, stop seeing women as con- 
quests. Because if it comes to a war, you'll 
be the loser. History is not on your side. 
Women will not be denied. And women's 
equality is the cause of every man who 
truly loves women. Don Juan was just 
another bimbo. In the future, heterosex- 
ual bliss will be known only by the femi- 
nist male, dudes. Surrender. It’s the on- 
ly way you'll win this onc. 

On the other hand, there are many 
ways we can help the women we love 
achieve freedom. If you want to know 
the tune I'm singing as ] bop around the 
house dusting and vacuuming, it’s Rah- 
saan Roland Kirk's Volunteered Slavery. 
It goes something like this: 

If you want to know how it is to be 
free, woman, 

If you want to know how it is to be 
free, 

You've got to spend all day in bed 


with me. 
El 


7E 
Jattoo ou 
(continued from page 82) 


hugged me, kissed me and said, "Its 
probably all bullshit, but I believe it, 
anyway. You have no idea what that rain- 
bow meant." 

Which was true. The rainbow was 
beautiful, maybe even spectacular, but it 
was nothing compared to her, as far as I 
was concerned. 

I didn't see her again until the middle 
of that winter. She saw me first, coming 
off Ajax with my skis over my shoulder, 
light snow falling. 

“Hey Gemini,” she yelled. She didn't 
remember my name, but somehow, my 
birthday was burned into her memory. 
She was wearing a pink jumpsuit that 


melted the snowflakes the instant they 
hit it. "I knew I'd see you again,” she 
said. “The triple rainbow.” 

“1 remember,” I said, not meaning the 
rainbow. 

“When I got to Denver,” she said, “I 
told my girlfriends about it and they 
couldn't believe it, either. I mean, that's a 
once-in-a-lifetime thing, and they all said 
I should get a ring or a necklace with 
a rainbow on it, but even if I had, it 
wouldn't have been a triple rainbow. So 
guess what? I got a tattoo.” 

Then she smiled and whispered some- 
thing that made me believe in magic, as- 
trology, talismans and every other mysti- 
cal thing you can think of: “Do you want 
to see it?” 

El 


"I'd like to, but I'm allergic to seafood." 


161 


Pee, ЖУЛ АПОУ. 


162 


no place to hide (continued from page 142) 


“T could have your phone bill within the hour. Your 
credit-card charges, I'd have in minutes.’” 


I'll call you and say, ‘Sorry to trouble 
you, sir, but we haven't received May's 
payment of $109.32. Is there a prob- 
Jem?” You protest and pull out your 
checkbook to prove you've paid. I then 
say, ‘What account was that drawn on so 
we can run a trace?’ Even for the guy 
who pays his bill regularly, this is a 
chance to poke corporate America in the 
eye. He'll tell you the account number 
and the bank.” 

Another example: “I know that you're 
trying to buy a car from Sunset Chevro- 
let. I call up Sunset and pretend to be 
another creditor looking for you, com- 
plaining that you've been with us for six- 
ty days and we're getting returned mail 
already. Sunset's credit department is 
going to be more than willing to pull the 
application you just filed and give me 
the address and phone numbers you 
provided, plus your references and bank 
account number. 

“Or maybe I pretend to be from the 
jury commissioner's office and call you 
and say, ‘You've failed to respond to our 
summons for jury duty, so a warrant has 
been issued for your arrest.’ In this sce- 
nario, 1 would then offer to straighten 
out everything and at the end nail you 
by saying, ‘You know, you're entitled to а 
per diem sent directly to the bank of 
your choice. Where would you like that 
deposited?" 

“Once I find out that information,” 
Schweitzer continues, "I can then attach 
your account, if I'm into a credit action, 
or I can call up your bank, pretending to 
be from another bank or credit-card 
company and scam your average 
monthly balance right over the phone. 
I'd say, 'Hi, this is Al Smith over at 
Citibank. We have a cardholder who's 
asked for a major increase in his credit 


i 


line. Could you rate his account for me?” 
Most banks will give you round figures 
over the phone, plus the date the ac- 
count was opened and the number of re- 
turned checks within given periods." 

As Schweitzer describes his gigs, his 
face flushes, and you can tell that this 
is where he lives. He tells you other war 
stories, about how, posing as a hapless 
traveler who has just lost his credit cards 
or checkbook, he can trick account num- 
bers out of the bank or credit-card com- 
pany. Or how, in the guise of an op- 
pressed husband whose wife has heisted 
his Visa card and gone on a shopping 
spree, he can persuade the credit-card 
company to give him the real husband's 
account number and the latest charges 
against it. Or how Petra Schweitzer, pos- 
ing as a doctor's aide, can cajole your 


doctor's secretary into giving up your, 


latest prescriptions. 

“Banks, credit-card activity, phone 
numbers, long-distance tolls, nonpub- 
lished addresses all can be done by pre- 
text," Schweitzer explains. He then 
dares you to test him. For argument's 
sake, you tell him you want something 
simple, like an address. He smiles pa- 
tronizingly, as if this is child's play. 

1 can pose as the local radio station 
offering you prize tickets. Where do we 
send them?" he says. "Or, I'm the wel- 
coming committee in your town. Or the 
squinty-eyed UPS dispatcher who can't 
read the address on a package for deliv- 
ery. So I call you to check it. That's won- 
derful at Christmastime. 

“There are a thousand variations. And 
the more stupid I sound, the more infor- 
mation I get. It's almost a double joke 
because the guy at the other end of the 
line hangs up and says, ‘God, what an id- 
iot!’ And I hang up and say, ‘What an 


“When did the mice get Patriot missiles?” 


idiot!’ since I got exactly what I wanted.” 

Actually, it isn’t always that easy. F 
ing through his own advertising bro- 
chure, Schweitzer points to certain offer- 
ings that can be had only through an 
inside source. The Internal Revenue 
Service is a tough target, he explains. So 
is American Express, because it has a 
tule against sharing information on the 
phone with representatives, genuine or 
otherwise, of other credit-card com- 
panies. Nor is it simple to trick Swiss 
bankers out of client information, or 
to dupe the FBI or local police depart- 
ments into giving you data from the 
National Crime Information Center, a 
computerized data bank that links all 
police blotters in the country. In these 
instances, says Schweitzer, you have to 
know somebody on the inside. 

Still, the expanding links among in- 
formation systems, the pooling of infor- 
mation in the NCIC, the lack of ade- 
quate policing mechanisms within credit 
bureaus—all these factors have helped 
ease the poacher's burden. Even the for- 
midable IRS, Schweitzer found, will 
share information if the seeker, posing as 
a state official, can claim that the hand- 
out is to be used to track a parent who's 
defaulted on child support. 

Such hard-earned lessons quickly 
boosted Schweitzer’s income. By keep- 
ing his overhead low and by billing 
clients at least double the price of each 
piece of information he filched, Schweit- 
zer banked $287,000 in his first 15 
months on the job and four times that 
amount in 1988. 

Soon everybody he'd ever worked for 
was a client. He picked up the National 
Enquirer by apprenticing with, and then 
replacing, a senior PI. who had long 
serviced the tabloid. He saved a merce- 
nary from prosecution by linking him 
through phone records to a top-secret 
U.S. spy agency. When major-league 
baseball asked an investigative firm to 
profile prospective Texas Rangers own- 
er George Bush, Jr., Schweitzer supplied 
the information. He also assisted a Texas 
group that specializes in locating abduct- 
ed children. 

In the process, he helped transform 
the bootleg information industry. "When 
I started doing this business," he says, 
"there was maybe the guy who could get 
you a phone number, or the guy who 
could get you a federal form. But no 
one had one-stop shopping, and that was 
the key." 

Schweitzer earned a reputation for 
working fast and selling cheap. “1 could 
have your phone number in three min- 
utes and sell it for fifty dollars," he 
boasts. “I could have your phone bill 
within the hour and sell it for a hundred 
and a half, no matter how big it was. 
Your credit-card charges, I'd have in 
minutes.” 

If imitation is the sincerest form of 
flattery, Schweitzer quickly qualified as 


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the odds-on favorite of his peers. Within 
a year of his professional debut, P.Ls 
around the country began peddling the 
same services he did and then sub- 
contracting their work to him. Ronald 
Saranow, once the IRS's chief investiga- 
tor for Los Angeles, bought information 
from him. Business Risks International, 
a company later acquired by the Pinker- 
ton Detective Agency, paid Schweitzer 
more than $80,000 for a variety of ser- 
vices. Star gumshoe Vincent Parco of 
New York, Nicholas Beltrante, the dean 
of Virginia’s Pl.s, and Bill Roemer, the 
ex-FBI agent who wrote Man Against the 
Mob, all turned to him for help. And 
when “Gentleman PI.” Bill Dear ap- 
peared on The Pat Sajak Show and of- 
fered to demonstrate how a small piece 
of information like a license plate could 
be turned into a full personality profile, 
it was Schweitzer who performed the 
magic. 

Particularly gratifying for Schweitzer 
is the number of ex-law enforcement 
officers who flocked to him. By his own 
estimate, 90 percent of his clients once 
carried a badge, and nearly half were 
formerly with the FBI. It is a source of 
dark amusement for him that the P.I. 
who bought the Social Security informa- 
tion that got him indicted a second time 
had worked for the bureau. 

There is a sobering lesson in that, 
Schweitzer says. "It means that whenev- 
er a former cop begins looking for a sec- 
ond career, he's going to gravitate to 
what he knows best—the information 
business. And that means the business 
will just keep on growing." 


In early 1988, to keep up with his 
mounting work load, Schweitzer hired a 
bag girl from a grocery store, a waiter 
from a four-star restaurant and a repo 
agent. He trained them, wrote scripts for 
them so they could imitate his methods 
and turned them into a crack office staff. 
He soon discovered, however, that they 
preferred tapping his sources to playing 
their parts, so a year later he dismissed 
them all. He watched as they hustled off 
to New York and Los Angeles to spread 
their knowledge viruslike among other 
Р1.з. Meanwhile, by his own account, he 
developed a bad attitude and got overly 
greedy. Above all, he wanted to pene- 
trate the IRS. So when a girlfriend—his 
marriage was on a brief hiatus—oflered 
to introduce him to a potential IRS in- 
formant, he bit. It was a setup: The IRS 
man coaxed him into offering a bribe. 
An indictment, the first one against him, 
came down in March 1989. 

Afterward, Petra persuaded him to sell 
Information Desk to a friend, who, he 
says, reneged on the deal. That, plus le- 
gal costs, forced Schweitzer back into 
brokering. But no sooner had he activat- 
ed a dormant company known as Securi- 


ty Group and got the phones humming 
again than he was lured into another 
trap. This one was set up by a pal, an 
ex-FBI man turned РЇ. who was coop- 
erating with the Justice Department. 
When Schweitzer dutifully tried to fill 
his friend's request for Social Security 
data by approaching a middleman with 
an inside source, the trap was sprung. A 
second indictment, in December 1991, 
gave Schweitzer second thoughts about 
staying in the business. 

How a man of his wiliness could have 
been twice duped is a question even 
Schweitzer can't answer. Perhaps greed 
explains it. 

But the most sobering part of his story 
is what it tells us about our own vulnera- 
bility. Schweitzer argues that privacy is 
dead, though he’s not ready to lay the 
blame principally on people such as him- 
self, The real culprit, he maintains, is the 
consumer, who, in the name of conve- 
nience, routinely trades away the keys to 
his private kingdom. 

“As part of daily life, we file for a driv- 
er’s license and register our cars,” he 
says. “Do you know how much that com- 
promises us? If I run your plate through 
DMV [Department of Motor Vehicles} 
files, which are completely open, I'm go- 
ing to get the name and address of the 
registered owner and of the legal owner, 
your bank or finance company. To track 
down a driver's license, you have to have 
a source in law enforcement. But driving 
records can be bought legally from any 
PI. dealing in public documents—for 
about eleven dollars. 

“Ditto boat or aircraft registration 


files, which can also be purchased direct- 
ly from the county registrar or the F/ 
All this can be a big start in undressing 
somebody.” 

Another lucrative public source, says 
Schweitzer, is the property registry in 
the local tax-assessor's office. He once 
found singer Janet Jackson's address in 
California through such records. Any- 
body could have unearthe 

"And what about voter registration?" 
he continues. "I don't vote because my 
name, Social Security number, date of 
birth, occupation, address and phone 
number all go into the registrar's file, 
which is totally public. One phone call 
could get it. You don't even have to use 
a scam." 

Schweitzer also places great stock in 
trash receptacles, which he characteristi- 
cally compares to mirrors under a dress. 
He also relishes going through open 
court files, which, he claims, can be 
equally revealing. "In the muni [munici- 
pal] courts," he says, "speeding-ticket 
files may show a home phone number, 
occupation and whether or not you own 
another vehicle. A small-claims action 
may tell us if you pay your bills and if 
youre pursuing a second occupation 
under a DBA [doing business as] filing. 
In the past 1 have found cops on the 
take through DBA records because they 
often try to hide the bribes as additional 
income.” 

Along with criminal and civil records 
in the superior courts, Schweitzer looks 
hard at county files for background on 
divorces or inheritances. “If I uncover 
a divorce file,” he says, “I’ve struck it 


“You don’t trust me, do you, Maxine?” 


163 


PLAYBOY 


164 


rich, because often a financial account- 
ing has to be made so the judge can 
divide property. I'm apt to find bank- 
account balances and numbers.” 

Of all the personal indexes generously 
given away by the unsuspecting, the 
most potentially damaging, says Schweit- 
zer, is the Social Security number. It is, in 
his view, the "ultimate identifier, the key 
that unlocks most doors." With it, a deft 
РІ. posing as a creditor or a Social Secu- 
rity Administration official can lever pri- 
vate information out of the credit bu- 
reaus or even the administration itself. 


The nation's three major credit bu- 
reaus—TRW, Trans Union and Equi- 
fax—arc legally barred from giving full 
reports to anyone who doesn't meet the 
criteria laid out in the Fair Credit Re- 
porting Act. But every creditor—from 
jewelry stores to finance companies— 
can qualify for access under these stan- 
dards. All the con artist needs to do to 
get a corrupt one to run a check is slip 
about $100 under the table, along with 
the target's Social Security number. 
Anyone armed with a Social Security 
number, moreover, can legally purchase 


Keeping the privacy 
pirates at bay 


So you want privacy? Then forget 
everything your parents told you 
about being courteous to strangers. 
Private detectives are notorious for 
their smooth telephone manner, and 
they prey on people who volunteer 
information in the name of helpful- 
ness. Says New York private investi- 
gator Terry Lasky, “You call up be- 
cause maybe you'll get a friendly 
person. It happens all the time.” Col- 
lege alumni offices pass on an ad- 
dress. Hospitals detail visits. There's a 
lesson there: Never, ever, conduct 
business with a caller. 

The dark side of the information 
age demands we develop a keen sense 
of when to say, "That's none of your 
business.” And resign yourself to the 
fact that in the privacy war, a delaying 
action is the best you can hope for. 

"You're stuck in a system with 
records that reflect your life and your. 
being,” says Lasky. “You have a histo- 
ry that can be pieced together.” Lasky, 
who specializes in locating witnesses 
and financial assets for law firms and 
insurance companies, makes a strong 
case that he can so easily put together 
a bio from publicly available data that 
he doesn't have to pass cash under 
the table. He says, “I’ve never paid a 
bribe. Гуе never paid an illegitimate 
source." 

Lasky and other РІ. do pay for lots 
of computer time, though. Theyre 
on-line with state motor-vehicle de- 
partments, tax assessors property 
valuations, address info services de- 
rived from postal records, among 


other data bases. What's not available - 


on-screen may enter a case file via a 
phone call or a visit to a town clerk's 
office or a vital-statistics registry. Even. 
the Freedom of Information Act has 
been a boon to investigators. 


Like every EL, Lasky covets a legal 
look at the personal credit data col- 
lected by the nation's three big re- 
porüng outfits. When he has been 
able to subpoena the information for 
a case under litigation, he can probe a 
subject’s finances all the way down 
through bank accounts and credit- 
card activity to checks and deposit 
slips. He warns individuals not to be 
sanguine about their financial priva- 
cy. When a person signs an applica- 
tion for a mortgage, credit card, auto 
or personal loan, he or she allows 
lenders’ employees to tap into the 
financial data Ном. All those taps 
make for leaks. 

Novelist and privacy seeker An- 
drew Vachss claims an unpublished 
phone number isn’t worth the trou- 
ble. Numbers are readily available for 
a price, he contends. Vachss advises 
getting a phone installed under an 
alias—and not revealing that name to 
anyone. 

Vachss also suggests an extreme 
measure: Wangle plastic in an as- 
sumed name and pay the bill (the in- 
strument is photographed by card 
companies) with a money order. The 
card's billing address will be a post- 
office box. What you gain in privacy 
you lose in airline miles. 

There are other obsessive privacy 
seekers, and Lasky ticks off the price 
of the truly low profile: no credit 
cards, no telephone number, no reg- 
istered ownership of a car or real es- 
tate. Earn and disburse only cash. 
Forget mail delivery or forwarding. 
Don't bother to vote, of course. Try to 
stay out of hospitals. Use only a nick- 
name. Do not get into the newspa- 
pers. Finally, avoid dying. Death cer- 
tificates are public records. 

— WARREN KALBACKER. 


the “top” of a credit report from the bu- 
reaus without meeting the criteria. The 
top has enough information to jump 
start an investigation, including the 
name, address and date of birth of the 
number holder, plus similar background 
on five of his or her closest neighbors. 

From his own business brochure, 
Schweitzer ticks off the offerings that are 
particularly Social Security sensitive. 

* Credit history. “То get it legitimate- 
ly," he says, "you go through a credit bu- 
reau and meet the legal requirements. 1 
would call a friend at a repo or finance 
company and have him run the request.” 

* Social Security records for six years. 
“This would be had through a source at 
the federal Social Security office, or by 
pretexting a Social Security office in the 
guise of someone calling from another 
office where ‘the computer is down." 

e Wages for one year. "Nearly every 
state has an employee development 
office that keeps track of everybody's 
earnings for a year. I'd pretext these 
documents by calling, for instance, the 
California interstate unit and pretend- 
ing to be from the Arizona office.” 

e Credit-card information. “I can 
identify your account at most credit-card 
companies simply by putting in your So- 
cial Security number. The data base will 
run a search and produce your name 
and address. 1 could then use that to set 
up a credit check." 

е FBI criminal histories. "Given a tar- 
get’s name, birth date and preferably a 
Social Security number," says Schweitzer, 
“I can break out every charge and petty 
complaint ever lodged against that indi- 
vidual, whether he's guilty or not. If 1 
was looking for files out of the NCIC, I'd 
need a source in law enforcement." 

© Military criminal records. “For these 
files, you have to have a Social Security 
number, since that’s how the military 
does business. The files are maintained 
in D.C. and aren't computerized. I'd call 
a source at the file center, and all he'd 
have to do is give his badge number and 
code and he can get whatever he wants." 

Given the many ways a Social Security 
number can be exploited, it ought to be 
the best-kept secret. But as Schweitzer. 
points out, it is offered freely to banks, 
phone companies, voter registrars and, 
in some states, to the DMV as a driver's 
license number. When spouses break up, 
it's left i orce files, and when arrests 
are made, it winds up on the police blot- 
ter. No one would be so forthcoming 
with personal banking information. And 
yet, Schweitzer reminds us, anyone can 
access the automated phone teller at 
your bank simply by punching in your 
Social Security and account numbers. 
It's a trick he's used himself. 


A few years back, someone slipped 
Schweitzer salacious Polaroids of the 


main squeeze of a famous American en- 
trepreneur. He resisted the temptation 
to sell the pictures to a tabloid. “I have a 
certain set of morals,” he explains. But 
he didn't rush to dispose of the photos, 
either. “I think I just liked having the 
pictures in my drawer for a while,” he 
says. 

Schweitzer likes to speak of knowledge 
as power, and that’s what the Polaroids 
symbolized for him: the power to muscle 
others. 

Questioned about this, Schweitzer i: 
quick to deny ever having used the pow- 
er he's acquired for anything but profes- 
sional ends. He's never dipped into his 
bag of tricks to settle a personal vendet- 
ta, he says. His work has been solely for 
his own financial gain, in keeping with 
his "moral values." 


At the time of arrest, Schweitzer was 
making his big money from the tabloids, 
helping them expose celebrities. In this 
connection, he is pretty upfront about. 
lacking scruples. But he is a little defen- 
sive, too. “I didn't write those stories,” he 
says. "All I did was track down particular 
pieces of information that they asked me 
to get.” 

Since a celebrity's privacy usually be- 
gins with an unlisted phone number and 
address, that's the kind of information 
Schweitzer specialized in. And despite 
his experience with Janet Jackson, he 
discovered that most high-profile types 
don't give themselves away in public 
property records or voter registration 
files. Instead, they have an accountant or 
business manager to front for them. To 
Schweitzer, though, such camouflage 
was barely an inconvenience, He simply 
worked around it by hustling the phone 
or utility company that serviced the 
celebrity or his or her next of ki 

To get an address out of a utility com- 
pany, says Schweitzer, he would typically 
pose as a credit representative from an 
out-of-state utility firm. "If you call 
Southern California Edison and say 
you're from Puget Power in Washington 
looking fora skip who beat you for mon- 
ey, chances are they're going to come up. 
with an addre: 

Another way he scored was by mas- 
querading as the celebrity himself and 
querying a utility or phone company for 
the location of property purchased in 
the star's name. He once pulled this off 
by posing as singer Harry Connick, Jr. "I 
called the utility company and claimed 
to be him," Schweitzer recalls. “The gir 
on the other end gets all excited. I say, 
"Listen, I don't mean to sound like an 
imbecile, but I have several homes. I've 
never been to this one.’ She was more 
than helpful. I even offered to send her 
something for her trouble.” 

In duping the phone companies, says 
Schweitzer, the key was always knowing 


which department to contact and what 
slang to use. Over the years he has 
filched employee handbooks from scores 
of phone companies around the country, 
so he knew the names of many depart- 
ment heads and operators, as well as the 
designations and extensions of countless 
internal offices that never deal with the 
public. He also compiled a catalog of in- 
ternal codes and colloquialisms that he 
used to gain the confidence of unsus- 
pecting operators. 

Posingas a repairman, for instance, he 
would typically call “Assignments,” one 
of the most secret internal offices in any 
phone company, and ask for “cable and. 
pair” information (if he was dealing with 
the Bells nationally) or “blocking” infor- 
mation (if he was targeting California 
GTE). These disparate code words 
would elicit the same data: unlisted ad- 
dresses and phone numbers. 

“Assuming I already knew the star's 
address and needed his phone number,” 
says Schweitzer, "my basic repairman's 
pretext would run something like this: 1 
would call up Assignments and say ‘Hi, 
Mabel, because I know her name, 'I'm 
out here chasing trouble on Main Street. 
Could you check for me and see if 
there's working service?’ She would say, 
“Yeah, I see two lines there.’ Now, Га 
come back (I don’t hesitate, that’s fatal) 
and say, ‘What are they?’ and she would 
give them to me.” 

Schweitzer says that working such 
cons is now getting harder because Ma 
Bell is getting wiser. Some phone compa- 
nies, for example, now require repair- 
men to repeat a code when calling in, or 
insist on hearing a special tone or 
recorded music before parting with in- 
side information. In cach instance, 
Schweitzer claims, he's defeated the safe- 
ty mechanism. 

"And when all else fails," he adds, 
“there's always Mama. If any family 
members have called the star, that u 
ed number is going to be on their bill, 
and I'm going to get it. Maybe I call Ma- 
ma's phone company, pretending to be a 
phone rep from out of state looking to 
verify charges on an account. Or maybe 
I just call Mama herself and claim to be 
the local phone company chasing down 
false charges to her number. Either way, 
I'm going to get it. 

Before the FBI shut him down, 
Schweitzer had compiled a virtual who's 
who in Hollywood for the National En- 
quier. When Julia Roberts split from 
Kiefer Sutherland, Schweitzer used her 
phone bill to track him to. ranch in 
Whitefish, Montana. He copped Bran- 
do's tolls to locate his daughter in Tahiti. 
He discovered that Whoopi Goldberg's 
real name is Karen Johnson and that 
Ted Turner and Jane Fonda often hole 
up at their Montana ranch. 

When Oprah Winfrey went on a diet, 
Schweitzer located her cook in Chicago. 
He also identified the lesbian lover of a 


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21993 Playboy. 


rity files is through further access res 
tions, he says. But the trend is actual 
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are far less sensitive than media stars to 
their vulnerabilities. 

Despite the recent Justice Department 
crackdown, Schweitzer thinks the law 
has pulled its punches. "If the govern- 


? Americon ment actually wanted to put a stop to my 
Especial oy metn industry," p says, "it ТОЛЫ Tae to in- 
renders, PY been brought 1o- dict every client who bought information 
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fons. Don’t miss eu cular panies. I am no more guilty than any 

the world’s, most spec one of them.” 
women. It only takes oie E The spectacle of Al Schweitzer coming 
favorite newssta! TE on like a law-and-order Reaganite is per- 
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ыи nd seal en РАВ Og Joined personal data, would that really 

Tay ma other ewe de make a difference? й 

side fo, 0, Bor ê0, Dep. 19500, Schweitzer again flashes a wry smile 
бозго, linois 60143-0809- and shakes his head. "Anybody who 
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You're not going to escape from some- 

body like me." 

1993, Playboy E 


ECO WARRIORS 


(continued from page 122) 


a few fatties of Mendocino County's 
finest weed, wrapped in makeshift 
bedding of coats, sheets of plastic, one 
blanket 

“When I come down,” she says into 
the quiet night, “they are going to kill 
my tree right away. Just because I was in 
it. I really want to come down. But I can 
stay here a іше longer.” 

Little Tree has been trespassing in cor- 
porate timber owned by Louisiana 
Pacific. Because it is illegal for LP's fall- 
ers to risk harming the tree sitters, the 
three of them are slowing efforts to slash 
the trees off this ridge. Big wilderness is 
not at stake here. But a few people in the 
local community are working to restore 
the Pacific salmon run in this river, 
wiped out decades ago by logging, and 
they want community control of this 
meadow as a start. 

“ tell the security people who are 
creeping around below me that this is 
my future that they are destroying," she 
said. "I have to watch what's going to 
happen to this planet in the next thirty 
ycars. It's going to be my fate. 

“Pye always worshipped differently 
from mainstream Christian values, bur 
at this point I worship the earth as a liv- 
ing being, just like you and I are living 
beings. What's happening is absolutely a 
sacrilege. We're killing ourselves." 

EF started the campaign to slow the 
cut on this coast back in 1983, to р 
serve the last five percent of the ancient 
forests left here. That campaign grew in- 
to the Redwood Summer of 1990, when 
thousands of activists occupied the forest. 
for four months. I camped with the 
EFers on and off in 1990, and it was a 
weird and ominous summer kicked off 
by horrifying violence as two organizers 
were car-bombed. 

"The bomb's targets were Judi Bari, an 
articulate and tenacious union organizer 
living in Willits and single mother of two 
daughters, and Darryl Cherney, an EF 
organizer and songwriter. In May 1990, 
before the Redwood Summer campaigns 
had begun, Bari and Cherney met in 
Berkeley with a movement-support col- 
lective called Seeds of Peace, nailing 
down the Seeds’ commitment to build 
Kitchens and shitters and such at Red- 
wood Summer camps. This meeting was 
private but not secret. 

The next morning they jumped into 
Bari's car, and as they drove across Oak- 
land, a motion-activated pipe bomb un- 
der her seat blew the car into twisted 
chunks of metal. Nails wrapped around 
the bomb were driven into her body. 
Both Bari and Cherney survived the e 
plosion, but Bari needed more than a 
year to learn how to walk again. 

[he suspects are legion, from loggers 
to timber company operatives to person- 
al enemies. In fall 1992 a federal circuit 


court judge ruled that the two can sue 
the FBI and Oakland police depart 
ment for allegedly engaging in conspir- 
acy, false arrest, illegal searches and 
falsely portraying Bari and Cherney as 
responsible for the explosion. Mean- 
while, both continue their mission, 
working with the Albion Nation. 

Deep ecological consciousness stuns 
people slowly, one at a time. But once 
they convert, they rarely go back. Thi 
could probably never be 2 mass mov 
ment or a political party. The movement 
is about personal radicalization, and 
these people carry the oral history of 
the dirt under our feet and the battles 
fought over it. 

The ten-year saga is already loaded 
with tactical lessons and legends—how 
Dave Foreman got dragged under a 
truck fighting logging roads in southern 
Oregon, or how Jumping James Jackson 
had two trees cut out from under him on 
a tree sit in Texas. Place names are now 
symbols: Cache Creck, Wyoming, site of 
the first EF resistance in 1981; Glen 
Canyon Dam, mythically targeted at the 
start of The Monkey Wrench Gang; the ten- 
year battle to halt a new observatory оп 
Mount Graham, Arizona; the battle to 
halt logging in Illinois’ tiny Shawnee Na- 
tional Forest. 

Add Albion to the list. Little Tree 
stayed up in her tree wo more days. 
Crazy Coyote mysteriously replaced her 
and held the tree another week, A man 
calling himself Dark Moon replaced 
Emerald and stayed in his tree for 
days, an EF record. Meanwhile, a lot of 
other people raised hell by blockading 
roads and cat-and-mousing with the fall- 
ers in the woods. The lumber company 
reciprocated by suing more than 100 
protesters, seeking damages for lost tim- 
venues. Later in 1992, however, a 
junction stopped the logging. 


Of course, not all of the eco radicals" 
actions are as bemgn as tree sits. The 
Earth First Journal, a fat volume issued 
cight times а year, features a column 
called “Dear Ned Ludd,” which offers 
field-tested revisions on the book that 
started it all, Dave Foreman's Ecodefense: 
A Field Guide to Monkey-wrenching. 

It costs thousands of dollars to flush 
the engine ofan earth mover after some- 
body dumps grinding compound into 
the oil, and hundreds of thousands to re- 
hab a timber feller-buncher that mysteri- 
ously burns in the woods. A couple years 
back, published estimates of the cost of 
so-called ecotage in the U.S. reached up 
to $25 million a year 

Rod Coronado knows ecotage. In 
1986 he and fellow Sea Shepherd David 
Howitt (chief engineer on the stormy 
mission I was on) sank two whaling ships 
at anchor in Reykjavik harbor. Iceland 


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was then whaling in defiance of an Inter- 
national Whaling Commission ban. 

Coronado and Howitt got jobs at 
Reykjavík's meat-processing plant. After 
casing the operation for a month, the 
two trashed a computer room that facili- 
tated whale processing. They drove 
down to the docks, searched the ships, 
then pulled the sea cocks on two ships 
while a guard slept on a third. The boats 
sank while the two men drove to the air- 
port and left the country. Coronado was 
then 19, Howitt in his mid-20s. 

Coronado is underground as I write 
this, saying he's afraid of being killed by 
the FBI. A spokesman for the Bureau of 
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms calls him 
a "person of interest,” wanted in connec- 
tion with a 1991-1992 Animal Liberation 
Front campaign in which five fur ranch- 
es, processors, feed co-ops and research 
offices set on fire, resulting in more 
than a ion dollars in damage. 

1 interviewed him in Venice Beach, 
California just before he submerged last 
April, and he gave one of the most elo- 
quent defenses of wrecking shit I've ever 
heard. “We consider any action that pri- 
oritizes life over property to be nonvio- 
lent,” Coronado said. “And any action 
where property that is used to destroy 
life is destroyed, we consider to be the 
highest degree of nonviolence, because 
it prevents a greater degree of violence. 

“With the level of global awareness 
that's been raised toward the destruction 
of the earth,” he continued, “we feel that 
people should be connected with direct 
action. The Native Americans were so 
spiritually connected to the earth. They 
defended it and they died for it. 

“When people identify the type of di- 
rect action that’s necessary, it’s scary. 
That means we are going to lose people. 
And people are going to start dying, on 
both sides of the camp.” 

I asked Coronado if he was afraid of 
that. "I'm not. I'm waiting for it to hap- 
pen. Because it's the only thing that's go- 
ing to do it." 

Many people in the movement would 


disagree with Coronado's philosophy of 
monkey-wrenching, which includes ar- 
son, explosives or any tactic that works 
(so long as it doesn't hurt anyone). One 
who disagrees is Judi Bari, who has al- 
ready survived two attempts on her life. 

“All this male bullshit got saddled onto 
the idea of deep ecology,” she says with 
her usual candor, “I think monkey- 
wrenching has been developed to the 
limit of its possibilities. The culmination 
of it was the jailing of the Arizona Fi 

Bari is referring to the monkey- 
wrenchers caught by an FBI undercover 
operation in 1989. An agent named 
Mike Fain spent a year working his way 
into a small EF action group in Prescott 
and helped them try to cut an electrical 
tower that was part of a huge irrigation 
project. EFer Mark Davis got six years in 
prison and Peg Millett got three. 

The morning after the desert bust, 
Dave Foreman was dragged from his 
bed by agents with drawn .357 mag- 
nums. He later chose to plea-bargain in 
order to reduce the others’ sentences. 
Foreman resigned from Earth First 
shortly thereafter. 

“They failed to learn any lessons from 
the American Indian Movement or the 
Black Panthers,” says Bari, referring to 
the way both were crushed by the FBI. 
After a moment, she laughs, "I'm includ- 
ing myself in that, by the way." 


Whether or not eco warriors agree 
with Coronado's all-or-nothing tactics, 
they have, by definition, experienced a 
similar spiritual transformation. 

In Bill Devall and George Sessions’ 
book Deep Ecology: Living as if Nature 
Mattered, that transformation is one in 
which the personal self becomes the 
much broader Self, which includes the 


biological community: 


This process of the full unfolding 
of the Self can also be summarized 
by the phrase, “No one is saved until 
we are all saved,’ where the ‘one’ 


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indudes not only me, an individ- 
ual human, but all humans, whales, 
grizzly bears, whole rain-forest eco- 
systems, mountains and rivers, the 
microbes in the soil, and so on. 


We're wading into spiritual waters 
here, and all eco warriors are baptized in 
them to some degree. When the Self-re- 
alization manifests itself in ritual, EFers 
jokingly call it “woo-woo.” The woo-woo 
tends to get deep at the Round River 
Rendezvous, their yearly national meet- 
ing in the wilderness, at workshops such 
as John Seeds’ Council of All Being and 
in the heat of raging eco defense. 

During an October action at the Neva- 
da nuclear testing site in the desert 
about 65 miles northwest of Las Vegas, I 
decided to plunge into those spiritual 
waters in a sweat bath led by a Native 
American. As the temperature rose in 
the dense little skin hut, men offered 
prayers in turn. 

In the midst of all this, I realized that 
the kid sitting next to me was whispering 
“fucking faggots” over and over. Then 
the man currently praying was rattling 
off statistics on global warming that were 
undoubtedly part of his canvassing rap, 
and I just broke. I heard “fucking fag- 
gots” again and I plowed my way out the 
door into the cold night air. 

The women in their hut were singing 
in unison, chanting, laughing. Somehow 
I was sure their Self-realization was go- 
ing better than my own. It's no one's 
fault, really. We've just forgotten the lan- 
guage for this kind of thing. 


Mike Roselle, current editor of the 
Earth First Journal in Missoula, Montana, 
is hardly an archetype among EFers, es 
pecially since about half of them are 
women. But when I think about them as 
a species, I always come up with him as a 
model. He's beery, unkempt, larger than 
life, just plain large, red-bearded and 
rednecked. But it’s mostly his feral eyes, 
which say “Fuck the rules. I might just 
decide to go off. Nobody is safe.” 

He was looking a bit lost at the new 
high-rise offices of the Rain Forest Ac- 
tion Network in San Francisco, of which 
he is a cofounder and board member, 
pacing the foyer in a smelly Malcolm X 
‘T-shirt and blown-out high tops. 

We talked about big wilderness in the 
northern Rockies, an area encompassing 
northern Utah and Wyoming, western 
Montana, all of Idaho and eastern Wash- 
ington. In 1992 EF began a campaign 
against road-building in Idaho's Nez 
Perce National Forest. At the same time, 
the Alliance for the Wild Rockies un- 
corked a wilderness bill titled the North- 
ern Rockies Ecosystem Protection Act, or 
NREPA, to preserve 6 million acres of 
wilderness in Montana and more in ad- 
joining states. It was one of three big 
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House of Representatives in 1992. 

“Many of the people who are in the Al- 
liance [for the Wild Rockies] started out 
as EF activists,” says Roselle. “They no 
longer say: ‘I'm an Earth First activist.’ 
"They got short hair. They wear ties. But 
they have taken the campaign to a whole 
new level. They're talking about the 
same things we [EF] are talking about— 
big wilderness, wildlife corridors, an 
ecosystem approach, no compromises, 
big visionary stuff—and making it real.” 

The more moderate politicos in Mon- 
tana are sure the Alliance will get its ass 
beat like a gong, but that doesn’t worry 
Alliance members. 

“We don't think that it’s extreme at 
all,” says Dan Funsch, program director 
for the Alliance, representing about 
2900 individuals and 300 businesses and 
groups. “This region is the place where 
we have the potential to preserve intact 
ecosystems 

“That's the problem with our existing 
system of protected lands. They're based 
on a human construct: that we want to 
preserve samples of these areas. They 
are relics, museum pieces. That's totally 
different from trying to preserve a func- 
tioning ecosystem 

NREPA is a piece of a new wilderness 
atlas not many people are aware of yet. 
But they will be. There isa plan that may 
define wilderness advocacy in the U.S. 
for the next century. 

Spearheaded by Dave Foreman, the 
staff of the deep ecology journal Wild 
rth and conservation biologists Reed 
Noss and Michael Soulé, the Wildlands 
Project is a master plan that would 
define a y reserve system. 
across North America. Within the next. 
few years it will include a series of maps 
and conservation projects that identify 
core wilderness reserves, multiple-use 
buffers around the reserves and wildlife 
corridors connecting the reserves. 

Noss has already laid out the criteria 
by which local groups can identify candi- 
date areas and begin the long-term work 
of preserving their piece of the system 
That might mean legislation or lawsui 
or direct action. 

“What we're trying to do is marry con- 
servation biology with grass roots con- 
servation activists," says Foreman, a fu 
squinty ex-Marine known for his 
rousing lecture-circuit orations in de- 
fense of wilderness in America and wild- 
ness in people. 

“Being a conservationist, you are 
forced to react to brush fire after brush 
fire,” says Foreman. “Now we're tying 
to step back and chart where we're go- 
ing. If we had it our way, what is our 
vision? How would we make the future? 
I think that we put an agenda on the 
table that nobody else ever has. That 
suddenly becomes the new agenda that 
the conservation groups, government 
and industry have to respond to. It’s 
redefining the terms of the debate.” 


When Foreman and his comrades talk 
about big wilderness, they mean big. In 
his The Wildlands Project: Land Conserva- 
tion Strategy, Noss writes: “At least half of 
the land area of the 48 conterminous 
states should be encompassed in core re- 
serves and inner corridor zones (essen- 
tially extensions of core reserves) within 
the next few decades. I also believe that 
this could be done without great eco- 
nomic hardship.” 

The wise-use people—the anti-envi- 
ronmentalist, pro-development back- 
lash—puke when they read that stuff. 
But Foreman and Noss are thinking in 
terms of centuries, or, as Native Ameri- 
cans say, in terms of the next seven gen- 
erations. That might mean that a ranch- 
er with a particularly big spread is 
encouraged to keep ranching but to will 
the land to the wildlands system after he 
and his children That way, it doesn’t 
become a subdivision. Presumably the 
grandkids can find another line of work. 


In the summer of 1992, a dozen EFers 
from Montana and Oregon set up an ac- 
tion camp around a kitchen bus run by 
the Ancient Forest Bus Brigade, a beach- 
head for the eco defense of a roadless 
area in the Nez Perce National Forest 
near Dixie, Idaho. 1 was there for the 
first few days, and it was a frightening 
prospect. There had never been an EF 
campaign in the state, so there was little 
community support. During a first meet- 
ing with the U.S. Forest Services Red 
River District, the rangers were clearly 
nervous about the ten well-informed 
hippies in their office. 

I eft the office with Phil Knight, of the 
Predator Project in Bozeman, Montana 
I said 10 him, “That was a really great 
meeting.” 

“Those lying bastards,” he replied 

The Red River District had just re- 
leased the two largest timber sales in re- 
cent U.S. history, a total of 76,000 acres, 
and had begun punching in 145 miles of 
logging roads. These are areas the Alli- 
ance wants to protect, smack in the mid- 
dle of the largest contiguous chunk of 
roadless wilderness in the lower 48, be- 
tween three federal wilderness areas: the 
Frank Church/River of No Return, the 
Gospel Hump and the Selway-Bitterroot 
areas. 

‘The sales are in some of the northern 
Rockies’ finest recovery habitat for gray 
wolves, pine martens, lynxes, fishers, 
wolverines, bighorn sheep, mount 
goats and, of course, grizzlies. Grizzlies 
are the lower 48's biggest, deadliest 
predators, and they pose the true test of 
our commitment: Saving them means 
honoring home ranges of several hun- 
dred square miles per bear. And saving 
those bears could also guarantee the sur- 
vival of all the other animals with which 
they share the range. 


1 talked about the grizzly bears 
with wildlife biologist Derek Craighead 
last November outside his converted log- 
cabin office in Missoula, “The American 
people haven't faced up to the fact that 
we're at that critical point where we 
need to decide: Do we want bears or 
don't we? If we don't, fine. Let's proceed 
as if we're not going to try to save them. 
If we do want them, then we have to stop 
the continued release of national forest 
lands for logging and increased use of 
bear habitat by recreationists.” 

Craighead is an NREPA backer, and 
he knew about the resistance actions in 
Idaho's Red River District. Without that 
tiny, almost unnoticed EF resistance, an- 
other piece of griz habitat would be dis- 
rupted for a decade or two. Asit was, the 
EF campaign in Idaho got heavy. As 
many as 60 armed, camouflaged USES 
special agents, the “pot commandos,” 
tracked and videotaped the EFers in the 
woods. (“We always knew roughly how 
many USFS law enforcement there 
were,” said Erik Ryberg, “because the 
café in Dixie had been hired out to feed 
them and we'd count the lunch bags 
every morning.”) 

They stayed for only eight weeks, and 
there were fewer than ten arrests, as 
EFers pulled offa tree-sit blockade of the 
new road, locked themselves to front- 
end loaders and made a habit of violat- 
ing Forest Service orders for them to 
stay off the land. But they cost the USFS 
$260,000 in additional law-enforcement 
expenses. More important, the EF cam- 
paign put Idaho on the action map, 
where it never had been before. 


I asked Derek Craighead for his as- 
sessment on the state of the bear. 

“I think it’s doomed,” he said quietly. 
"Itll survive for maybe four decades, 
maybe ten decades, but ав а permanent, 
viable population in the lower forty- 
eight—no, I don't see enough change in 
people's attitudes about putting a real 
value on grizzly bears.” 

Phil Knight had his own, more hope- 
ful griz story to tell: “On my first back- 
pack trip in the West I saw two grizzly 
bears and walked in their fresh tracks in 
the spring snow, and it made my hair 
stand up on end. I got a taste of what it's 
like to be around something that I don't 
control, and that really keeps the edge 
on life. As [ex-Green Beret and griz 
lover] Doug Peacock is fond of saying: ‘If 
there isn't something big enough and 
mean enough out there to eat you, then 
it's not really big wilderness.’ That's at- 
tractive to me. And it reflects something. 
I think the human race needs a lot more 
of: humility.” 

El 


Visiting Poet 

(continued from page 100) 
and a fiancée, a redhead who is now a 
buyer for a chain of discount bookstores 
that do not stock poetry. At the time, he 
and the woman were in the hormonal 
bliss that the young mistake for love. Yet 
Murtaugh took seriously the job of artist 
and feared how marriage would change 
him. So, suffused with the zealotry of a 
good student, the pretense of an over- 
praised boy and the panic of a prospec- 
tive groom, Murtaugh had asked the 
young professor of his undergraduate 
fiction workshop the same thing. more 
or less, that the Rick had just inflicted on 
Murtaugh. 

Looking back, the professor was a 
cliché of academe: aging golden boy who 
had never published anything beyond 
his lone, sweet book of early promise. 
“You poor bastard,” he'd said, leaning 
back in his squeaky chair, chuckling, 
twisting his wedding band. “The old life- 
versus-art question." 

Murtaugh, choosing art over love, 
broke the engagement. Then, alone, he 
lost his nerve, became a hobby writer, at- 
tended a top-drawer grad school for his 


doctorate. His dissertation was so te- 
diously clever, he's forgotten what it 
was about. 

б 


Murtaugh is such an ugly name that 
he threw up his hands and ceded his 
daughters’ christenings to his wives. 
(Murtaugh so rarely uses his first and 
middle names that he wouldn't react to 
them; his byline involves initials.) The 
wives, in his opinion, chose good names 
and raised the girls to be the canny, 
street-smart beauties you'd expect from 
mothers burned by having once been 
reckless enough to marry Murtaugh. 

His older daughter, Tracy, is 17 and 
lost to him. She saw too much: broken 
plates, ruined holidays, bad arguments 
in the dark. Murtaugh thought he loved 
Tracy's mother. They were grad students 
together, had hoped to get tenure to- 
gether. Except that she never published 
word one. Murtaugh, on the other hand, 
carved his dissertation into six chunks 
and published them all. It was too easy. 
He started having affairs, which, in 
memory if not in truth, was tied to his 
decision to become a poet. 

Murtaugh and Tracy's mother took 


Kl й. 


“Would you like to see something with more headroom?” 


171 


PLAYBOY 


172 


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jobs at different schools, he in Boston, 
she in Cleveland: a commuter marriage. 
Meanwhile, Murtaugh snuck off to get 
an M.EA. at Columbia, where he started 
writing poems, partly because they were 
short and could be written on the train, 
partly because he'd started a novel he 
couldn't finish (he still has it, filed under 
"Buick Title”). Back in Ohio, Tracy's 
mother volunteered for committees, 
kept office hours, graded papers and 
tried to raise a child more or less alone. 
The last nail in the marital coffin was a 
vacation at her parents’ lake cottage in 
Michigan. Murtaugh stashed his teach- 
ing assistant from Tufts at a motel two 
towns away. Tracy's mother found out. 
‘Tracy witnessed her mother's attempt to 
drown her father underneath an alu- 
num dock, which can't be a good 
thing to sce. 

When Tracy came to visit last year, she 
took a quick liking to Jill, who gave Tra- 
cy piano lessons and taught her to drive. 
After the harassment charges hit, Jill 
called Tracy to explain. Tracy congratu- 
lated her. “I’m with her, Daddy,” Tracy 
said. “She had to tell. 1 mean, that's dis- 
gusting. Gross. At my last school they 
fired the band director for that.” 

Murtaugh started to point out that he 
had slept with young women who were 
of age. Then he remembered he was 
speaking to his daughter, a girl less than 
one year from being lawful prey for men 
like her father. He stopped explaining 
and tried to apologize. 

Apology. He had, with Tracy, gone to 
that well too many times. She hung up. 

His daughter Annie is 14 and another 
story. Murtaugh was in one place for the 
first three years of her life, during which 
time he changed diapers, mowed grass 
and gave pony rides. That marriage 
ended well, brought about not by 
infidelity (Annie's mother, Karen, never 
knew) but by the strains of their diver- 
gent careers. You'd think no one could 
wind up in two commuter marriages in a 
lifetime, but a human life tends to be an 
exercise in what you wouldn't think pos- 
sible. It was, he and Karen agreed, no- 
body's fault. 

Karen was and is smart (Phi Beta Kap- 
pa, 16th in her med-school class at Duke 
and now a surgeon and professor in 
Phoenix), athletic (varsity swimmer in 
college, triathlete now) and too wonder- 
ful for words (patron of the arts, 
gourmet cook, careful gardener, unas- 
sailably terrific mother). This wonderful- 
ness was the problem. Men think women 
like Karen are overcompensating, re- 
pressing or in some way inferior to their 
beer-swilling selves. Maybe someday 
men will catch up. Studies suggest not. 

When Karen reproduced, did she 
ever. Annie is Karen, only more so, 
which makes Murtaugh fear for her. At 
14 she is gorgeous in a coltish way that 
boys her age are—thank God—too thick 


to see. She's read Anna Karenina and can 
discuss it more sensitively than any un- 
dergraduate that Murtaugh ever had. 


Taught. 
б 


Murtaugh, the oldest тап оп the 
court, takes the ball at the top of the key, 
holds it in front of him, taunting the 
taller, younger history prof assigned to 
guard him. Murtaugh isn't fast, but at 
this level, competing against the bitter, 
myopic Caucasians who staff schools like 
this, it's enough to be quick. He head- 
feints one way and goes the other, slicing 
across the lane past the other defenders 
and in for a lay-up. "Game," he says. 

“Jesus pleezus," says the professor of 
history. 

“Muy bad," says the dean of humani- 
ties, a blond priest named Frank. 
"Should have helped on D." He's 35, too 
young to be a Frank, too young to be a 
dean, too hunky to be a priest. He's 
clearly being groomed for bigger things; 
priests who are capable of making it in 
the real world blast through the ranks. 
“Good takı 

Murtaugh accepts Frank's casual side 
five. “Thanks.” 

“No one with a shot like that,” Frank 
says, “should be on a one-year contract.” 

Murtaugh laughs—not that this is fun- 
ny, just that he figures that’s how Frank 
means it, as a joke. 

Murtaugh spreads the scoring around. 
But whenever a game gets tight, he cans 
one from outside. His team cannot lose. 

Afterward, he and Frank hit the 
weight room and wind up on adjacent 
treadmills. “Seriously,” Frank says. "We 
need someone with a vita like yours. 
Good for our image.” Frank is going 
twice as fast and is half as winded as 
Murtaugh. “How does tenured full pro- 
fessor sound? We can talk money in my 
office.” 

Murtaugh shrugs, using his winded- 
ness to dodge this bullet. 

Frank finishes, steps off and admires 
himself in the mirrored wall. “I know,” 
he whispers, “about the incident with the 
woman.” He mops his brow with a red 
towel. “Come see me. We'll talk.” 


Last year, on a humid March after- 
noon, Murtaugh lay sprawled and sated 
on his living-room floor alongside a 
Christina. Her name, as fate would have 
it, was Chi na. е had a fiancé and 
wouldn't do the actual act, not even oral 
sex. They'd kissed and dry-humped апа 
masturbated each other; then, at her 
suggestion, taken turns masturbating 
themselves while the other held on. This 
was a new one on Murtaugh. He'd 
found it surprisingly sexy. The Christi- 
na's orgasm was a bucking and won- 
drous thing. 

Murtaugh hadn't expected Jill for 
hours. "Hello," was all she said at first. 


She stood for a while in the doorway to 
the kitchen. The Christina covered her- 
self with an afghan. “Have we been 
troduced? I'm Jill.” She shook the young 
woman's hand. “I live here.” 

“Pm Chri: ." She was ash-white. 
EU 

Murtaugh rose, hands fig-leafed over 
his genital He nearly claimed this 
wasn't what it looked like. Instead, he 
took the offensive. “You and 1 are 
through, Jill. I found someone else.” 

He felt like a small, mean animal. 

Jill went to pack a suitcase. On her way 
out, she paused to say a civil goodbye. 
Dressed now, the Christina sat shivering 
in a wing chair, her head in her hands. 
Jill pointed at her. “I know you. You 
were in my music-ap survey. And I've 
seen you at readings." She turned to 
Murtaugh and smiled. 

Another thing about Jill that Mur- 
taugh was slow to learn: She was vice- 
chair of the campus committee on sex- 
ual harassment. 


Fiction teaches you that people 
change. History, experience and poetry 
all teach you this is a lie. Murtaugh, 
who'd fancied himself a novelist, who'd 
n fine places, grew to 
be exclusively a poet, reversing the usual 
pattern. 

"This did not go uncommented upon. 


He was working that year at a Lutheran 
college in Minnesota. A colleague, a mar- 
ried woman named Jane, sold her first 
novel for $40,000. Half drunk at some- 
one's retirement party, Jane announced 
that she would never write another po- 
em. "The money’s on the right margin, 
Murtaugh." 

"But the truth," said Murtaugh, "is on 
the left.” He stood ramrod straight, a 
parody of rectitude. 

“Fine,” she said. “Go left, young man." 

He and Jane had an affair. They met 
at rustic inns, where they spent Jane's 
money on sex toys and the repair of an- 
tique canopy beds. They went skydiving 
and had the needy sex couples have af- 
ter tempting death together. 

Are there male Christinas? Murtaugh 
doubts it. Too bad; name an earnest 
young man who wouldn't benefit from a 
fing with an older, smarter woman. 
Women would have fun in Murtaugh's 
usual position. They'd handle it better. 
Murtaugh would encourage women to 
try, but who'd want to bed a Rick? 

Speaking of Ricks: John Kilgore got a 
poem accepted in a journal that paid 
him. Murtaugh was ten years older than 
the kid before he'd published a poem in 
as good a place. He'd encouraged the 
kid to submit, mostly to get rid of him, 
and now the Rick is awash in gratitude. 
"To celebrate, he throws a party, which 
Murtaugh is begged to auend. The Rick 


lives in a townie neighborhood, in a ram- 
shackle group house. A sign outside 
reads LA CASA DE PEPE. 

Murtaugh arrives just late enough. 
Many, many pretty young women are 
drinking and dancing. A motorcycle is 
parked in the living room. The Rick 
rushes to the door to take Murtaugh's 
leather duster and Brooklyn Dodgers 
cap. Murtaugh keeps them on, claiming 
he can't stay. But the costume is part of 
the persona. 

He spots two women he presumes he 
can have, a Christina from his Tuesday 
workshop and some psych major whom 
he’s never seen before. She eyes him but 
good. That he and the psych major 
eventually leave together, can you call 
that change? 


Jill had discounted the rumors about 
Murtaugh and students until she'd seen 
a smoking gun. After that, she hunted 
down leads like a good scholar, finding 
all three Christinas he'd bedded that 
year. One he'd been with only twice. She 
was unstable, and Murtaugh tried not to 
sleep with anyone crazier than he was. 
"The woman had subsequently convinced 
herself she'd slept with Murtaugh to 
raise her grade. That was all Jill needed. 
But, citing her conflict of interest, she 
didn't participate in the hearing. 

The truth was, Murtaugh slept with 


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PLAYBOY 


the Christinas because they were going 
to get A's, not the other way around. But 
he gave the committee what it wanted: 
the facts, not the truth. Yes, he had slept 
with the women in question. No, it had 
not affected anyone's grade. Yes, he 
knew he had shown poor judgment. 
“But with all due respect,” he said, as 
decorously as he was able, “could some- 
one show me what policy I violated?” 

He had them dead to rights. The poli- 
су was а morass of committee-encoded 
doubletalk that could mean anything, 
but, in fact, meant nothing. Had the 
school possessed the guts to adopt a di- 
rect policy (say: Amorous activity between 
faculty members and enrolled students is un- 
ethical; unethical faculty members will be 
fired), the committee would have had 
him. But no institution in academe is 
that direct. Rarely is anyone in Mur- 
taugh’s position in any real danger of 
getting in any real danger. 


Last year Annie came to visit him dur- 
ing her Easter break, as she always does. 
He had not told her about the harass- 
ment thing; he was using her as an es- 
cape from all that. 

He picked her up at the town's airport 
and they embarked on the usual fusil- 
lade of fun: college baseball, the Cowboy 
Hall of Fame, a rib burn-off, a rock con- 
cert by musicians Murtaugh’s age in an 
arena 215 miles away. On the drive back 
from that, Annie stared out the window 
of his old station wagon, a souvenir T- 
shirt and program in her lap. "I want to 
know,” she said after a hundred miles of 
empty chatting, “who you are.” 

The rain had turned to spring snow. 

Murtaugh pretended to be confused 
by the question. 

“1 come all the way out here,” she said, 
“and all I get is a tour guide. Let me 
guess what's next. The zoo?” 

Lucky guess. “I don’t get to see you 
that much, honey. I want us to have fun 
together, sweetie.” 

“I want you to be a dad,” Annie said. 
She turned in her seat to face him, a 
lawyer pleading her case. “Why don't we 
ever rake leaves or go grocery shopping. 
or, like, wallpaper the half-bath?” 

“It's not my house. I can't very well 
wallpaper the halfbath in somebody 
else's house." 

Annie swore at him and went into the 
kind of adolescent funk Tracy used to af- 
fect. They rode the rest of the way home 
in silence, through wet snow that piled 
up before you knew it. Murtaugh won- 
dered if classes would be canceled. They 
were, for only the third time in the 
school’s history. 

In the morning Murtaugh made pan- 


174 cakes. If domestic was what Annie want- 


ed, that's what she'd get. She still wasn't 
talking. She sat at an oak dinette, 
hunched over Murtaugh’s copy of Death 
in Venice, handling her silverware with 
the efficiency of a surgeon's daughter. 
“Why don’t you get a newspaper?” she 
said. 

"They don't deliver the Times. And the 
local rag's a rag." 

“I need a sports section. Box scores.” 
Another flash of Karen, who is a walking 
encyclopedia of baseball. 

Murtaugh drove Annie to the Safevay 
at the edge of town and handed her 50 
cents. She rolled her eyes. “I got it.” She 
returned with copies of USA Today and 
the local daily. 

Theirs was the only car on the road 
‘The snow was coming down in flakes the 
size of dimes. He let her out by the front 
steps and parked the car in the barn. He 
sat listening to the ticking of cooling 
metal and the rustle of barn sparrows. 
Annie was right: He'd gotten into the 
habit of being a certain way, so much so 
that he couldn't think how to turn things 
around. But if he lost her, what then? 
How low can you go? 

As he walked to the house, he saw her. 
She'd just come outside, without a hat or 
a coat, a section of the local paper held 
before her like a torch to ward off beasts. 
She was crying. 

“I can't believe you,” she said, as men- 
acing as a 14-year-old can be. “I cannot 
fucking believe you.” 

He stopped in his tracks. He nearly 
told her to watch her mouth, as if he 
were the one with the upper hand. But 
he knew what had happened, what she 
had read. 

"I don't know you,” Annie said. Snow 
had already covered her head. From 
where Murtaugh stood, it looked as if 
the news had shocked her hair white. “I 
don't want to know you. It’s like you're 
this person, this terrible person, who 
doesn't believe the rules apply to you. 
Jesus, Murtaugh, would you please, 
please, please just grow the fuck up?" 


Jill had goaded the unstable Christina 
into going to the school paper, which 
had, thus prompted, done a series of 
articles on sexual harassment in which it. 
named names. Other papers and TV sta- 
tions picked it up. In the middle of all 
that, when Murtaugh feared he might 
never live things down, might never es- 
cape from himself, he'd been invited to 
this sad little school back East. It felt, at 
first, like a pardon from the governor. 
And he was off. 

Once, Murtaugh would have argued 
that people never truly change. Perhaps 
it’s just wishful thinking, but now he'd 
argue otherwise. This, ipso facto, repre- 
sents change, doesn't it? Maybe Mur- 


taugh has been too long in academe, 
home of the split hair. 

If change is possible, Murtaugh is cer- 
tain it's not linear. He's had moments of 
progress and regress. He's tried mend- 
ing fences. Tracy was warmer to his over- 
tures than he'd expected. He calls her 
every Wednesday night, and he's only 
forgotten twice all year. She goes to a 
third-rate nonresident coed prep school 
and thinks she might major in accoun- 
tancy. Seventeen years old and that's 
what she says: accountancy. 

Annie went back to Phoenix and did 
not speak to him for months. He'd call 
and she'd hang up. He asked Karen for 
advice. "Give it time," Karen said. "She's 
as angry as they come right now, and 
part of it might be her age." He detected 
a sad smile in Karen's voice. "But most of 
it's just you." 

Murtaugh gave up on the telephone 
and began mailing Annie a letter every 
Monday He vowed to keep it up, 
whether or not she ever replied, for the 
rest of his life, if need be. After a few 
weeks he stopped getting around to it. 
In November Annie sent him a birthday 
card. "I wouldn't have minded it if you'd 
have begged a little more,” she'd writ- 
ten. "But I'm ready to be your daughter 
again, which must mean I'm even cra- 
zier than you are, especially since I 
doubt you'll ever be ready to be my 
dad." The letter included six lines from 
a Stevie Smith poem. 


Frank closes his office door, presses a 
slip of paper into Murtaugh's palm and 
motions for him to sit. On the paper is a 
number, half again what Murtaugh now 
earns. “Have a Frangelica," the dean 
says. Two cordials are already poured. 
It's noon. “It’s a new thing I've started 
doing when I have visitors.” 

“ГЇЇ pass.” Murtaugh points to his ten- 
nis clothes in demurral. He has a court 
date with Annie, who isin town and wait- 
ing outside, “I warn you,” he says. “I'm 
on leave all the time. I don't serve on 
committees. I don't counsel students. I 
don't respect authority. And if you're not 
careful, I might take you up on your 
hastily tendered offer." 

Frank laughs. "Writers," he says. "You 
creative writers." Priests go on retreats 
to learn fake badinage. He downs his 
drink and picks up the other glass. "Be- 
tween men now: This sexual harassment 
madness these days is really something, 
isn't it?" 

What do you say to that? Murtaugh 
nods. “Something.” 

“Women can say anything. People find 
scandal inherently believable. What de- 
fense do you have?” 

“None,” Murtaugh says. He has be- 
come the world’s foremost authority on 


delivering the right answer. 

“This used to be an all-boys college. 
Once, half the faculty were Franciscans. 
Now, five percent. I often feel I was born 
too late.” He gets up, walks to the win- 
dow, as dreamy as an old dog. "I'd have 
been more at home in another era,” 
Frank says. “The Forties, let's say. Don't 
you decry the demise of the men’s hat?” 

Murtaugh smiles. T! the first time 
he has heard anyone utter the word de- 
cry. Despite himself, he does like Frank. 

Frank picks up the faculty newsletter, 
in which Murtaugh mentions his collec- 
tion, Nude Pianist: New and Selected Poems, 
coming from Knopf. “We don't get peo- 
ple publishing like this, That must 
change. You can help pave the way.” 

“Ah,” Murtaugh says. 

“I've seen everything,” Frank says. 
“The newspaper accounts of every- 
thing.” He turns and sighs, exasperated. 
“I know how women can be." 

Murtaugh is so close to laughter that 
he bites his check. But because Annie's 
on his mind, the mention of the newspa- 
pers stings. "I don't want to know if 
those allegations are true," Frank says. "I 
don't want to know anything you don't 
want to tell me. Except this. This and on- 
ly this." He refills his glass to the brim. 
"Why on God's green earth have you 
moved around so much?" 

Murtaugh is caught short. This should 
have been a question he had been asked 
before, a question he had asked of him- 
self, but it's neither. Moving around is 
who he is, a force of his nature. His cir- 
cumstances have allowed it, and when 
they haven't, he's altered his circum- 
stances. At first he affects a bad-boy grin. 
Then he lets it fade, dropping the role 
and telling the truth: "I don't know." 

He accepts tenure. 


Murtaugh bounds down the steps of 
the administration building, past a rust- 
ing sculpture of Saint Joseph. 

Annie will be happy to hear this news, 
he's sure of that. 

When he catches sight of her, she's sit- 
ting on the tailgate of his beat-up old sta- 
tion wagon, dressed in a blue Phoenix 
Firebirds hat and a plain black T-shirt. 
She's smoking a cigarette. Beside her, 
holding what are undoubtedly some new 
poems Murtaugh will be asked to read. is 
John Kilgore, also smoking. His motor- 
cycle is parked beside the wagon. Annie 
and Kilgore have their legs crossed to- 
ward each other. She is holding his hel- 
met, rubbing it, and they're laughing. 
Murtaugh stays in stride, making his way 
toward his daughter, moving through 
the sunlight as if it were water, overcom- 
ing the urge to run—to her or away, he's 
not sure which impulse is stronger. 


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1166. “Jeans Scene”: Jeans: 
By Island Trading Company, at Cuoco, 1601 
W. Passyunk Ave., Philadelphia, 215-468- 
4081. By J.O.E. by Joseph Abboud, at select 1. 
Magnin stores. By French Connection, at Bar- 
neys New York, Seventh Ave. at 17th St, 
N.Y.C., 212-929-9000; Cignal stores, for 
store locations, 800-888-4422, ext. 2723. 
By Michael Kors, at select Bloomingdales 
stores. By Men Go Silk, at Go Silk, 424 Sut- 
ter St., San Francisco, 415-391-2474. By 
Barnestorm, at Saks Fifth Avenue stores. 
“Hot Shopping: April In Paris": Jean Paul 
Gaultier, (42 86 05 05). Loft, (42 65 59 65). 
Charvet, (42 60 30 70). Bastille Optic, (48 
06 87 00). Angelina, (42 60 82 00). Pa 
boot, (45 49 24 26). “Clothes Lint 
By Giorgio Armani, at Giorgio Armani, 815 
Madison Ave. N.Y.C. 212-988-9191. Ву 
Hugo Boss, at fine department stores. Shoes 
by Fratelli Rossetti, at 601 Madison Ave., 
N.YC. 212-888-5107. "Good Scents": 
Romeo Gigli per uomo, at fine department 
stores. Versus by Gianni Versace, at fine de- 
partment stores. Safari For Men by Ralph 
Lauren, at Polo Ralph Lauren shops. Joop! 
Homme, at fine department stores. New 
West by Aramis, at fine department stores. 
Cool Water by Davidoff, at fine department 
stores. 


PLAYBOY COLLECTION 

Page 96: Thermal electric grill by The Ther- 
mos Company, for store locations, 800-435- 
5194. Page 97: Camera and lens by Nikon, 
for information, 800-NIKON-US. Mini-stereo 
by Sharp, for information, 800-BE-SHARP. 
Travel alarm by SEL, to order, 800-258- 
1995. (This travel alarm was created with- 
ош the participation or approval of Keith 
Haring or his estate.) Page 98: Camcorder 
by Canon U.S.A., Inc., for information, 800- 
898-4040. Home gym by Trimax, for infor- 
mation, 800-866-5676. Page 99: Boots and 
goggles by Harley-Davidson, Inc., for store 
locations, 800-143-2153. 


PLAYBOY'S SPRING & SUMMER 
FASHION FORECAST 

Page 123: Suit by Cerruti 1881 Collection, at 
Barneys New York and Chicago. Shirt by 
Ferrell Reed, at Saks Fifth Avenue, 611 Fifth 
Ave., N.Y.C., 212-753-4000. Trench coat by 
Joseph Abboud, at the Joseph Abboud Store, 


2299. Tie by Joseph Abboud, 
at the Joseph Abboud Store, 37 Newbury St., 
Boston, 617-266-4200. Watch by Bulova, 
for store locations, 800-A-BULOVA. Fage 125: 
Suit by Donna Karan, at Louis, Boston, 234 
Berkeley St., Boston, 800-225-5135, Shirt 
by Donna Karan, at select Bloomingdales 
stores. Tie by SEL, at Knot Shops, 845 
N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 312-944-7121. 
(This tie was created without the participa- 
tion or approval of Keith Haring or his es- 
tate.) Shoes by Impulse by Steeplegate, for 
store locations, 800-645-8305. Page 126: 
Suit by Polo by Ralph Lauren, at Polo Ralph 
Lauren, 44 N. Rodeo Dr., Beverly Hills, 
310-281-7200. Shirt and tie by Polo by Ralph 
Lauren, at Polo Ralph Lauren, 199 Boylston 
St., Chestnut Hill, MA, 617-964-0600. Page 
127: Shirts: By Geoffrey Beene, for informa- 
tion, 212-541-5200. By JA II by Joseph Ab- 
boud, at Saks Fifth Avenue, 611 Fifth Ave., 
N.Y.C., 212-753-4000. By Canali USA, at 
Boyd's, 1818 Chestnut St, Philadelphia, 
215-564-9000. By V2 for Gianni Versace, at 
Dino's, 601 Race St., Cincinnati, 513-421- 
5692. Cuff links by Robert Lee Morris, at 
Robert Lee Morris, 456 W. Broadway, 
N.Y.C., 219-503-3388. Page 128: Suit, shirt 
and tie by Joseph Abboud, at the Joseph Ab- 
boud Store, 325 Greenwich Ауе., Green- 
wich, CT, 203-869-2212. Page 129: Suit, 
shirt and tie by Calvin Klein, at Calvin Klein 
stores. Barneys New York, Seventh Ave. at 
17th St, N.Y.C., 212-929-9000. Page 130: 
Sports jacket by Canali USA, at Syd Jerome, 
2 N. La Salle St., Chicago, 312-346-0333. 
"Irousers by Canali USA, at Sam Cavato, 
965 Plaza Frontenac, St. Louis, 314-997- 
1100. Shirt by Jhane Barnes, to order, 212- 
382-0961. Tie by Vestimenta, at Louis, 
Boston, 234 Berkeley St., Boston, 800-225- 
5135. Sports jacket, Vest, trousers and shirt 
by Michael Kors, at Silhouette/Hugo Boss, 
1517 Wisconsin Ave. NW, Washington, 
D.C., 202-838-0120. Page 131: Sports jack- 
et and trousers by Hugo Boss, at Louis, 
Boston, 234 Berkeley St., Boston, 800-225- 
5135. Polo shirt by C. P Company, at C. P. 
Retail Shops, 175 Fifth Ave., N.¥.C., 212- 
260-1990. 


PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 
Page 177: SporTrax, for information, 800- 
776-7846. 


175 


WE HEAT UP WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN. 


NS qe ® ng arose ril on P rto ordet: 
a gat TUS Fy Мет M 0 

Get wild, 9 MU \ ple 

we paei Ше y your P 


© 1959 Playboy Entertainment Group Inc. All Rights Reserved 


STEVE CONWAY 


ant to know if Nolan Ryan’s fastball is still hummin’? 
Then get your mitts on a new portable information 
receiver called SporTrax. Available from The Sporting 
News, this device offers up-to-the-minute reports via 
satellite and FM sideband on all major professional sports, as well 
as college football and basketball. All you do is choose a category 


——BIG LEAGUE ELECTRONICS —— 


from the index, say American League baseball, and in seconds 
you'll receive a grandstand's worth of information on recent games 
and those in progress. Player and team statistics, scores, odds, 
injury reports and weather conditions are available, and are re- 
vised on a 24-hour-a-day basis. You can even program SporTrax to 
provide routine updates on a hot list of your favorite teams. 


Hitting All 
the Right Notes 
Both TLC and KRIS KROSS 
celebrate platinum debut 
LPs—Oooov00hhh . . . 
On the TLC Tip and Total- 
ly Krossed Out—and 
new albums this year. 
With touring, TV, even a 
movie in the works, 
they're really jammin’, 


H The Sweet 
i Smell of 
Success 
Actress and mod- 
el DENISE AMES 
worked in At 
Point Blank and 
The Last Boy 
Scout, appeared 
on TV in Bay- 
watch and The 
Ben Stiller Show 
and was featured 
in a poster for 
Coors and in nu- 
merous calen- 
dars. Send 
flowers. 


The New 

World Order 

NATASHA ALEXANDROVNA has an 

American record deal. Check out her 

LP Russian Revolution, then keep an 

eye out for her Western film debut, Suzanne 
Taxi Dancer. Na zdoróvie. Gets a Leg Up 

on the Competition 
SUZANNE SKY SOLARI has feature credits in Murder, She 
Wrote, Night Court and Columbo and in the movie Mr. 
Baseball. She's also modeled lingerie for Frederick's of 
Hollywood. For Suzanne, the sky is limitless. 


Campbell’s 


A Bunch of Cutups 
British rockers DAISY CHAINSAW’s first full-length LP, Supermodel 
Eleventeen, is a play on numerology. Eleven stands for NAOMI CAMP- 
peace and creativity, eleventeen for confusion. For a lit- BELL is gorgeous 


tle creative confusion, check them out. and has all the 
right moves. Did 


you see her i 
Michael Jackson's 
video In the Clos- 
et? We hear a 
record deal is) 
the works. 


Monique's Unique 

B-movie actress MONIQUE GABRIELLE 
inspires her fair share of attention— 
from TV tabloids to the Movie Channel. 
In her latest movie, Fear of a Black 
Hat, a rap spoof of This Is Spinal 
Tap, Monique plays a nun. Our 
advice: Get thee to 
a nunnery. 


POTPOURRI 


SEAGRAM AND THE COCKTAIL 


"The Seagram Museum, 57 Erb Street 
West, Waterloo, Ontario, has begun an 
extended exhibit dedicated to the Art of 
the Cocktail. Along with a display of 100 
cocktail shakers, visitors will view Prohibi- 
tion memorabilia, a party scene from the 
movie The Thin Man, a replica of a Sixties 
rec-room bar and more. Call 519-885- 
1857 for the hours and days the exhibit 
is open. Admission is free. 


FULL OF BEANS 


Want to spend the night with something soft and cuddly that's about 
5'6”? Sorry, Meg Ryan is already spoken for. As your second choice, 
consider the Sleeping Bean, a hot-dog-shaped down-filled pillow that 
cushions your contours where a mattress can't. It also provides relief 
for sacroiliac dysfunctions and tight hamstrings—in case you've just. 
run in a marathon. Beans come in three sizes: 5/ ($79), 4%’ ($65) and 
3% (859); all prices are postpaid. A call to the Chicago manufacturer, 
Human Bean, at 800-342-BrAN will get you the particulars on prices 
and colors for Bean slipcovers. Hypoallergenic Beans are available, too. 


THE WHORING TWENTIES 


Back in the Twenties, whorehouse piano 
music was something of an art form. If 
you'd like to hear Sweet Georgia Brown 
and other ditties played by vintage pi- 
anists Ralph Sutton and Jay McShann in 
whorchouse style, order Last of the Whore- 
house Piano Players on compact disc. The 
price: $19.95, postpaid, by calling 800- 
528-2582. In France, the album won the 
Grand Prix du Disque de Jazz. 


FINDING THE LOST CITY 


Travelers are rediscovering southern Africa now that apartheid is on 
the way out, and one of the newest destinations via South African Air- Eu 
ways is the Palace of the Lost City at Sun City in Bophuthatswana. The 2 
creation of resort mogul Sol Kerzner, the Lost City is a fantasy water (o Beavers 
park and luxury hotel that resembles something Walt Disney might RALPH SUTTON 
have created if he had had a great white hunter for a brother. The ex- N 
terior of the Palace is dominated by soaring towers decorated with 
wildlife carvings, And there's a nightly "volcanic eruption" when a 
bridge leading to the water park shakes, rattles and gushes steam. 
Kerzner is noted for his attention to detail, and that tradition isn't lost 
on the Lost City’s rooms and restaurants. For more info, have your 

180 travel agent contact the South African Tourism Board at 212-838-8841. 


RISING BOND MARKET 


Forty years ago, the first James 
Bond novel, Casino Royale, was 
published, and the author, 
lan Fleming, went on to write 
many other Bond novels and 
eight short stories before his 
death in 1964. Now, a non- 
profit foundation has been 
formed that's dedicated to 
archiving the works of Flem- 
ing. Its first project is a maga- 
zine, Goldeneye, published 
three times annually, and you 
can subscribe for $15 a year 
sent to the Ian Fleming Foun- 
dation, PO. Box 6897, Santa 
Barbara, California 91360. 


THE ONLY BASEBALL JACKET YOU'LL EVER NEED 


Weatherwise, April is the cruelest month for going to the ball- 
park, but Columbia Sportswear has created the Base-A-Boo par- 
ka with a wind- and water-resistant outer shell and a zip-out 
fleece lining that doubles as a lightweight jacket. To date, only the 
New York Yankees, Chicago White Sox, Colorado Rockies, At- 
lanta Braves and Minnesota Twins are represented. The price: 
$155. Call 503-MA-BOYLE for store locations. 


CLIFFHANGER NOTES 


In the Fifties, Republic Pic- 
tures released black-and- 
white serials for theaters with 
such heart-stopping titles as 
Panther Girl of the Kongo. 
"These and other 12- to 15- 
episode nail-biters—includ- 
ing Clyde Beatty's Darkest 
Africa—are available on laser 
disc from video stores in a 
Cliffhanger Serials series for 
about $39 to $59. (Videocas- 
settes are priced at $30.) 
Most include the original the- 
atrical trailer, and some laser 
discs also feature a special 
narration audio track. 


TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW 


To raise your consciousness, a company called 
Vanishing Acts has created a line of ceramic 
coffee mugs emblazoned with the name and. 
image of the gray whale, the giant panda or 
other endangered species. When the cup is 
filled with a hot beverage, thc image of the 
species gradually disappears, only to reappear 
as you empty the mug. Notes on the cup's op- 
posite side tell about the species. The price: $10. 
each, postpaid, by calling 404-394-8963. 


fe, 
аа vasta) 


HOP TO SCOTCH 


Single-malt Scotches continue to grow in 
popularity, and to help you tell the difference 
between Glenlivet and Glenmorangie there's 
Single-Malt Whiskies of Scotland: For the Discrimi- 
naling Imbiber. James F. Harris and Mark H. 
Waymack, two professors of philosophy who 
have spent as much time with Laphroaig 

as they have with logic, are the authors. 

Price: $26.95 hardcover; $12.95 paperback. 


181 


NEXT MONTH 


KILLER KELLER 


DIAN'S ENCORE 


KELLER'S THERAPY—J. P KELLER, HIT MAN EXTRAORDI- CHARLES BARKLEY, THE MOST NOTORIOUS REBOUND- 
NAIRE, GOES TO A SHRINK WHO HAS HIS OWN PROB- ER IN THE WEST, TALKS TO WASHINGTON POST SPORTS- 
LEMS: A TROUBLESOME EX-WIFE, TO NAME ONE. BUT WRITER TOM BOSWELL ABOUT FAME, THE MEDIA AND 
KELLER IS LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, NOT WORK. OR IS HIS NEVER-BEEN-MR-NICE-GUY REPUTATION IN A RAU- 
HE?—FICTION BY LAWRENCE BLOCK (ESSAY MERE 

GIORGIO ARMANI, THE PICTURE OF ELEGANCE, DROPS 
HIS RESERVE TO TALK WITH WARREN KALBACKER 
ABOUT HIS FASHION PASSION IN A FINELY TAILORED 20 
QUESTIONS 


ADRIAN LYNE—A PLAYBOY PROFILE OF THE DIRECTOR 
OF 9% WEEKS AND FATAL ATTRACTION, WHO DISCUSSES. 
THE FILMS' MEMORABLE EROTIC SCENES AND PREVIEWS. 


HIS UPCOMING INDECENT EXPOSURE—BY MICHAEL 

ANGELI MANLY PURSUITS—THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO FAKING 
CONVERSATION ABOUT THE CHEST-THUMPING SPORTS 

CHARLES CERAMI, RENOWNED ECONOMIST, DELIVERS OF THE NINETIES, FROM ROCK-CLIMBING TO MOUNTAIN 

THE WORD ON UNEMPLOYMENT: THERE'S A JOB CRISIS, BIKING TO CAVING—ADVICE FROM DENIS BOYLES 


ANI IWNSIZING WILL INTINUE. BUT CERAMI PRO- 

ki SA a E ena um A We ponr P'AN PARKINSON—COME ON DOWN AND GET AN EN- 
GES AGA UST = CORE EYEFUL OF THE PRICE IS RIGHT STUNNER. HER 
OO ONG. SECOND SIZZLING PICTORIAL HITS THE JACKPOT 


THE 1993 BASEBALL PREVIEW—OUR TENACIOUS PLUS: PLAYMATE ELKE JEINSEN; VERY UNUSUAL VIN- 
SOOTHSAYER CUTS THROUGH THE GLOOM AND DOOM TAGE TIES; THOSE POPULAR SMALL-BATCH BOURBONS; 
TO PICK THIS SEASON'S WINNERS—THAT IS, IF THERE IS A ^ ELECTRONIC MESSAGE PADS; AND A NEW FEATURE ON 
SEASON—BY KEVIN COOK THE BEST PLUG-IN TOYS 


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