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PLAYBOY 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN MAY 1993 e 54.95 


273009550 


05 - 
| GIORGIO ARMANI: 20 ELEGANT QUESTIONS 
SUSIE OWENS: FROM PLAYMATE TO SUPERHERO 


Ta a ter ego ty 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Lights: Menthol 10 mg "tar; 0.8 mg nicotine; 10058 Kings 
11 mg "tar; 0.9 mg nicotine—Medium: Kings 12 mg "tar; 
0.8 mg nicotine; 100's 13 mg "tar; 1.0 mg nicotine-Regular: 
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COLOGNE 


ТО MAINTAIN the momentum of the year of the woman, we 
thought we'd get our May issue rolling by revisiting a trio of 
gorgeous females who have made their marks in the world. 
The first, March 1988 Playmate Susie Owens, is the superhero 
of her own comic book, Flaxen. The photos accompanying 
Susie's story are by Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley. 
Dian Parkinson, who graced our December 1991 cover, is a 
stunning hostess of TV’s The Price Is Right. The pictorial by 
Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda shows us why Di- 
an's Back. Lastly, there's international model Elke Jeinsen, a fa- 
miliar face to fans of Playboy Germany and anyone in her home- 
town of Hanover, Germany. She's our Playmate of the Month. 

That's the good news. The bad news is that more than 9 
million Americans are currently out of work. Our biggest cor- 
porations, from General Motors to IBM to Sears, are elimi- 
nating jobs by the thousands. No one's immune. And what's 
worse, according to political analyst Charles A. Cerami, is that 
this is not a cyclical problem. Read No Help Wanted for the de- 
tails as well as Cerami's dramatic solutions. 

News isn't a lot better on the baseball diamond. Game at- 
tendance is down, the sport's lucrative TV contract will soon 
be history and—egad—foreigners are the champions. Fortu- 
nately, there is hope, says Contributing Editor Kevin Cook, who 
picks the top teams in Playboy’s 1993 Baseball Preview. (Hint: 
An American ball club will win the Series, but it won’t be the 
Rockies.) 

Charles Barkley, the NBA superstar referees love to hate, has 
given fans of the Phoenix Suns reason to rise this season. In 
our Playboy Interview, Sir Charles talks candidly with The Wash- 
ington Post sports columnist Tom Boswell about life after the 
‘76ers, the impact of AIDS and how he really feels about 
women, refs and obnoxious fans. 

Director Adrian tyne has the most carnal mind in Holly- 
wood. Just about every one of his films, from Flashdance to 
9% Weeks to Fatal Attraction, gets our hormones pumping. In 
this month’s profile, Director Strangelove, Michael Angeli provides 
the scoop on cinema's sexiest auteur and on his new flick, In- 
decent Proposal, starring Robert Redford and Demi Moore. 

We admire guys who ride mountain bikes down extreme ski 
trails or who trek through the remote recesses of Bhutan. We 
also like men who prefer to experience hair-raising sports 
from their living rooms. For those, Manly Pursuits by Contrib- 
uting Editor Denis Boyles and Associate Editor Matthew Childs 
{illustrated by Steve Brodner) is a guide to help navigate any 
cocktail party with your macho buddies. 

We've covered a slew of manly pleasures, too: Italian de- 
signer Giorgio Armani, the man who put us all at ease with the 
sports jacket, talks about fashion, sensuality and his infat- 
uation with Forties films with Contributing Editor Warren 
Kelbacker in 20 Questions. David Elrich evaluates the latest pen- 
based computers in The Write Stuff. And Lawrence Block sup- 
plies a fascinating piece of fiction, Keller's Therapy (illustrated 
by Kent Williams), which pits a hit man against his shrink. 

Can gays and straights be friends? Paul Monette, the ac- 
claimed author of Becoming a Man, considers the timely topic 
in this month’s Mantrack guest opinion. 

“Deep Thoughts,” by Saturday Night Live's postmodern Pas- 
cal, Jack Handey, cracks us up—or leaves us totally confused. 
His new book, Deeper Thoughts (Hyperion), carries on this tra- 
dition and we've excerpted it here. We've also given Daniel 
Nussbaum (a guy who spends far too much time on the Los An- 
geles freeways) Literary License to string together a series of 
California vanity plates, Ah, the tales they tell. 


PLAYBILL 


AST 
FEGLEY 


BOYLES 


KALBACKER 


NUSSBAUM 


MONETTE HANDEY 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 1993, volume 40, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-dass postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: 
Send address change to Playboy, RO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. 


WE'VE SURVIVED FOUR WARS 
A DEPRESSION. A FEW 
RECESSIONS, SIXTEEN U.S. 
PRESIDENTS, FOREIGN AND 
DOMESTIC COMPETITION, 
RACETRACK COMPETITION, AND 
ONE MARLON BRANDO MOVIE. 


1993 for a huge bash with live music, food, fun, and acres of 
soul-satisf ying machinery. Tickets to the reunion are limited 
ilable only at your Harley-Davidson dealer. Call 
3-2153 for the location of the dealer nearest you. 


And Harley-Davidson: Thats why were celebrating 
Harley-Davidson’ 90th Anniversary with a family reunion | 
in Milwaukee. It starts with a cross-country Reunion | 


We care about you. Sign up for a Motorcycle Safety Foundation rider course today. Ride with your headlight on and watch out for the other person. Always woar в helmet, proper 
eyewear and appropriate clothing, and Inels your passenger dows too. Protect your privilege to ride by Joining the American Molorcyciiat Association. © 1992 Harley-Davidson, nc. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 40, no. 5—may 1993 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAY DIL LES RR КС ОУ ООЛО SIRS 3 

DEAR PLAYBOY RSS O ee T 

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 15 

MANTRACK T Aes ED 

CAN GAYS AND STRAIGHTS BE FRIENDS?—guest о) ..PAULMONETTE 40 

MEN ........ Vo eerie rr ee ASA BABER Жа? 

WOMEN CYNTHIA HEIMEL 45 ES 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR SDT re Sí 

THE PLAYBOY FORUM................... nora aS 

REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK: 

GREED ALONG THE POTOMAC—opinion ...................ВОВЕВТ SCHEER 59 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CHARLES BARKLEY—candid conversation ............ 61 

NO HELP WANTED—article....... ..... CHARLES A. CERAMI 78 

SUPER PLAYMATE—pictoriol ЖОЛДУУ text by CHUCK DEAN 82 

MANLY PURSUITS ..................... DENIS BOYLES and MATTHEW CHILDS 88 

ТОР HAT—foshion HOLLIS WAYNE 92 

KELLER’S THERAPY—fiction ............................. LAWRENCE BLOCK 94 

THE WRITE STUFF—article...............................-.... DAVID ELRICH 98 

DEEPER THOUGHTS—humor JACK HANDEY 100 

ELKE, ELKE UBER ALLES—playboy’s playmate of the month ................ 102 

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor К Осо сыз egos aL Т 114 

20 QUESTIONS: GIORGIO ARMANI. grauer 2 5 116 Deutsch Treat 
VINTAGE TIES—foshion |... sse ақы ЕНЕ 118 

PLAYBOY'S 1993 BASEBALL PREVIEW—sports. ..... ..KEVINCOOK 120 

LITERARY LICENSE—humor ....... ms .DANIELNUSSBAUM 124 

DIRECTOR STRANGELOVE-— playboy profile ............ MICHAEL ANGELI 126 

THE ARMY GAME—humor JULES FEIFFER 129 

DIAN'S BACK!—pictorial...... ES „text by JIM MCKAIRNES 130 


PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ...... 


COVER STORY 

Dian Parkinson, the pride of The Price Is Right game show, returns to PLAYEOY 
for a jockpot encore, and we're tickled pink. So, come on down and get a sec- 
ond look. West Coast Photo Editor Morilyn Grobowski produced this month's 
cover featuring TV's sexy hostess, styled by Jennifer Smith-Ashley and shot by 
Contributing Photographer Stephen Woyda. Dion's hair ond makeup were 
done by Clint Wheat. We think you would ogree that our Rabbit is a handful. 


Pll APY) 8 007 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE 
senior editor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER editor; 
FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior slaf] writer; 
MATTHEW CHILDS associate editor; MODERN LIV- 


Warning: Handle with care. When ING: DAVID STEVENS senior editor; ED WALKER asso- 
erg ciate editor: BETH TONKIW assistant editor; WEST 
оге E] with sun, sea and sand, COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: BRUCE 


the results ure explosive, and 

"s. Beauties has the 
potential of a ton of TNT. On sale 
now. 


OR, ORDER TOLL-FREE 1-200-423-9694: 


KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS associate edilors; CHRIS- 
TOPHER NAPOLITANO assistant editor; JOHN LUSK 
traffic coordinator; рокстну arcueson publish- 
ing liaison; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE director; 
VIVIAN COLON assistant editor; CARTOONS: Mi- 
CHELLE URRY edilor; COPY: LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


Garg ar Ask for item | | editor; artan возимлк assistant editor; MARY zion 
30 баша ode 858) | lead researcher; CAROLYN BROWNE senior те- 
ORDER RAR каналдар не ‘searcher; LEE BRAUER, JACKIE CAREY, REMA SMITH 
researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: Asa 


‘Masco, Minois 60143-01 


МЕК БЕ 
due 


БЕШ the 40th ANNIVERSARY 


PLAYMATE Continues... 


We're on the road traveling the country in search of a special 
Ploymate for our Jonuory 1994, 40th Anniversary Issue. She must 
be bright ond beautiful and at least 18 years ol age. If selected, 
she'll earn a modeling fee of $40,000 and you can earn $2500. 


J| for being the lucky reader who brings her to Playboy's attention, 


Check the box below for the city nearest you then call 800-551- 


4293 and punch the number for information on the exact location 


of the interviews. 


Submissions can also be sent directly to Playboy. Simply submit 
two recent color snapshots (one face and one full-figure) and a 
short letter detailing vital statistics: name, address, phone num- 
ber, height, weight, measurements, occupation, date of birth 

‘and any interesting informotion about the candidate. Send the 
letter and photos (not returnable) to: 40th Anniversary Playmate 
Search, Playboy Magazine, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, IL 60811. 


BABER, DENIS BOYLES, KEVIN COOK. GRETCHEN 
EDGREN, LAWRENCE CRODEL, KEN GROSS (Qulomo- 
live). CYNTHIA HEIMEL. WILLIAM J. HELMER. WARREN 
KALBACKER, WALTER LOWE, JR. D. KEITH MANO, JOE 
MORGENSTERN, REG POTTERTON, DAVID RENSIN, 
DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, MOKGAN STKONG, 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHETSUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENEK associate director; KELLY KORJENEK Assis- 
tant director; ANN SEIDL supervisor keyline/ 
‚baste-up; PAUL CHAN, JOHN HOCH, RICKIE THOMAS 
ап assistants 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI шебі Coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, ИМ LARSON, 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY BEAU- 
DET assistant editor/enteriainment; STEVE CONWAY 
associate photographer; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEG- 
LEX, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, 
BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA 
contributing photographers; SAELLEE weres stylist; 
TIM HAWKINS librarian; ROBERT CAIRNS Manager, 
studio/lab 


MICHAEL PERLIS publisher 
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher 
PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 


JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI, CARRIE LARUE 
HOCKNEY, TOM SIMONEK «sociale managers 


‘CIRCULATION 
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation director; 
LARRY А. DJERF newsstand sales director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 


PAUL TURCOTTE national sales director; SALES 
DIRECTORS: DON SCHULZ detroit, WENDY LEVY mid- 
west, JAY BECKLEY new york, WILLIAM M. HILTON. JR 
northwest, STEVE THOMPSON soulhwest 


Morch 10-12 
March 17-19 
March 22-74 
March 24-16 
March 29-31 
March 31-April 2 
April 24 
April 5-7 
April 12-14 
April 12-14 
April 16-18 
April 19-21 
April 23-25 


. Atlanta, GA 
. NewYork, NY Moy35 
. St.Louis, MO May 3-5 
. Kansas City, KS May 7-9 
j. Dayton, OH May 10-12 
Des Meines 1A May 12-14 
. Cleveland, ОН Moy 14-16 
Chicago, IL Moy 17-19 
Washington, DC May 24-26 
Denver, CO May 24-26 
Philadelphio, PA June 1-3 
Toronto, ON June 7-9 
51663. Ployboy 


40TH 
ANNIVERSARY 
PLAYMATE 
INTERVIEWS 


Los Angeles, CA 
Phoenis, AZ 

Los Vegas, NV 
San Francisco, (A 
Miami, FL 
Houston, TX 
Orlando, FL 
Dallas, TX 

New Orleans, LA 
Seotile, WA 
Vancouver, BC 
Memphis, IN 
Nashville, TN 


April 28-30 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STRON, MIKE OSTROWSKI Correspondents 


City Location and 
Date Information 


CALL 800-551-4293 


‘ond punch the number 
next to your city. 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
ERIC SHROPSHIRE Computer graphics systems direc- 
tor; EILEEN KENT editorial services manager; MAR: 
CIA TERRONES rights & permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


RULE #27 


WHEN YOUR | 
ҒАСЕ 
COMES OFF, | 
PEOPLE CAN 
SEE YOU'VE 
GOT BRAINS. | 


ft 


() PIONEER 
The Art of Entertainment 


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Y PART OF YOUR ENJOYMENT еура“ Hi D: 


wa Oman 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE 
(680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
OR FAX 312-440-5454. 


DANNY DEVITO 
Thank you PLAYBOY and Lawrence 

Linderman for a fascinating Playboy In- 
terview with Danny DeVito (February). 
DeVito may be physically small, but he is 
one of the largest talents in movies. 1 
would never have thought that the guy 
who played Louie on Taxi had the direct- 
ing genius to give us War of (he Roses and 
the incredible Hoffa. When it comes to 
comparing actor-directors, ГЇЇ take De- 
Vito over Woody Allen any day. 

Neil Franklin 

Camden, New Jersey 


I've always admired Danny DeVito as 
an actor and director, but after reading 
his statement in the Playboy Interview that 
he thought Jimmy Hoffa would have 
made a good president, my estimation of 
him has sunk. Could you have imagined 
James Hoffa in the Oval Office? His sec- 
retary of state would have been John 
Gotti, and somebody like Lucky Luciano 
would have headed the FBI. 

Fred Tubin 

West Palm Beach, Florida 


Maybe I'm cynical, but I felt there was 
something contrived about Danny DeVi- 
to's sudden lapse into depression over 
the situation in Bosnia. It seemed like an 
effort to look like a caring, compassion- 
ate person rather than an egomaniac. 
On the other hand, if he uses his money 
and his clout to help ease the suffering 
over there, I'll gladly change my mind. 

Vernon Maddux 
Little Rock, Arkansas 


I really like Danny DeVito. He's so full 
of shit. 

Carl L. Haeberle 

Surfside, Florida 


МО JUSTICE, NO PEACE 

Vincent Bugliosi's article No Justice, No 
Peace (riy ov, February) should be read 
by every citizen and every mayor of our 
big cities. Bugliosi is absolutely correct: 


Tf the district attorneys’ offices were will- 
ing to prosecute policemen who use ex- 
cessive force on private citizens, there 
would be more respect for the law in mi- 
nority communities. Bugliosi's argument 
is rational and fair (1 appreciate his 
poinung out up front that 95 percent of 
police officers have respect for people 
and the law), but ГЇЇ bet it will generate 
a lot of negative reaction from police 
officials and D.A.s who are so accus- 
tomed to scratching one another's backs 
that they have lost sight of justice. 

Paul Nordstrom 

Buffalo, New York 


Contrary to Vincent Bugliosi's argu- 
ment, the problem is not that the cops in 
the Los Angeles beating of Rodney King 
did not face the same justice as everyone 
else. The problem is that they did. 

For decades, police and citizens have 
watched as felons are released back onto 
the streets. We have seen crime lords, 
drug dealers, armed robbers, thieves, 

ists, murderers and every variety of 
ial go free for one perfectly legal 
reason or another. 

Why, then, is суегуопс upset when the 
same thing happens to hoods who are 
cops? They were just another bunch of 
thugs who beat the system, just as other 
thugs beat the system every day in every 
city m the United States. 

Richard Walter 
Columbia, Maryland 


WOMEN IN THE MILITARY 

As a retired federal law-enforcement 
agent with 23 years’ experience and as a 
retired Marine with 31 years’ service, I 
hope I am qualified to comment on for- 
mer LAPD police chief Daryl Gates’ 
guest opinion, “Lets Give Women Sol- 
diers a Chance,” in the February Man- 
track section. | have enormous respect 
for Chief Gates, but his analogies be- 
tween women in law enforcement and 
women in military combat are flawed. 
First of all, police organizations are 


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HANGING OUT 
AT YOUR HOUSE? 


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TV's sexiest spokeswoman has her own poster 
available exclusively through Playboy, the 
24" x 36" full-color portrait shown above. 
The price is right: only $9.95 plus shipping. 


Order Toll Free: 
800-423-9494 


Ask for item #PN3398 and charge it to your 
Visa, Master Card, Optima, American Express 
or Discover card. Most orders shipped within 
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Order By Mail: 
Use your credit card and be sure to include 
your account number and expiration date. Or 
send a check or money order payable to 
Playboy. Mail to Playboy, PO. Box 809, Dept. 
39537, Itasca, Illinois 60143-0809. 


There is a $2 shipping charge per total order. Illinois 
residents add 6.75% sales tax. Canadian residents 
please add $3 additional per poster. Sorry, no other 
foreign orders or currency accepted. 


PHOTO BY STEPHEN WAYDA / ©1993 BY PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY 


quasimilitary organizations. To suggest 
that police work is just like being in mili- 
tary ground combat is totally wrong. 

Оп its worst days (the Los Angeles ri- 
ots of 1965 and 1992), the Los Angeles 
Police Department. never. encountered 
the rigors of the battlefield. There were 
no rockets and artillery rounds coming 
down on the LAPD, no concentrations 
of machine-gun fire, no tanks bearing 
down. nor many of the other horrors of 
modern warfare. 

After an average of 19 to 14 hours on 
the job, most police officers in the riots 
had an opportunity to go to their homes 
for a few hours of rest before returning 
to the fray. The battlefield, on the other 
hand, is a 24-hour-a-day, noisy, stressful 
environment, with body parts ofien fly- 
ing in all directions. The Yom Kippur 
War of 1973 and, more recently, Opera 
tion Desert Storm are prime examples of 
the chaos and violence of the modern 
battlefield. 

To suggest that a woman police officer 
operating successfully in even the worst 
of police situations equates to participat- 
ing in ground combat units on a bat- 
tlefield shows a lack of understanding of 
what warfare today is all about. 

Bob McDaniels 
La Conner, Washington 


I fail to understand how Chief Gates 
can compare the LAPD with the Armed 
Services, especially the combat arms. 
The organizations are quite different іп 
their respective missions. 

Police officers maintain peace and de- 
fend the lives and properties of their 
communities. Combat units seek and 
the enemy. There is a great difference in 
purpose here 

The American public, not the gener- 
als, has excluded women from combat 
units, realizing the biological and cultur- 
al differences. As a retired infantry and 
medical first sergeant, I see these differ- 
ences. The ability to perform these mis- 
sions (to intentionally seck and kill), not 
gender, should be the deciding factor in 
filling our combat ranks. 

Feliciano Т. Alacar, Jr. 
Lancaster, California 


What a surprise it was to sce Daryl 
Gates siding with feminists іп regard to 
the issue of women serving in the mili- 
tary. Nonetheless, I'm concerned about 
a deeper issue. Of what value isit to have 
an even larger portion of our population 
trained and ready to kill people? Apart 
from the logistical problems of having 
women and men fighting side by side on 
the battlefield, maybe we should ask our- 
selves; Even if women can be just as 
deadly as men, is it admirable? 

Lee Cohen 
Denver, Colorado 


A guest column by Daryl Gates? Isn't 


12 he the asshole who advocated executing 


16-year-olds who smoke pot? With opin- 
ions like that, who cares what he thinks 
about anything? 

Dana A. Netz 

Jemez Springs, New Mexico 


JENNIFER LEROY 

It seems that every month in Dear 
Playboy there's a letter praising a Play- 
mate as the most beautiful woman in the 
world, and I say to myself, “Well, she’s 
very attractive,” because m frugal when 


it comes to such superlatives. Now 
my turn. February Playmate (еп 
LeRoy (Peak Performer) is unbelievable, 
absolutely gorgeous—clearly the most 
beautiful Playmate since Brandi Brandt. 

David McDermitt 

Ithaca, New York 


Jennifer LeRoy is definitely the best- 
looking woman you have ever featured. 
She's from Colorado to boot. 1 have just 
four words for you: Playmate of the Year. 
Tom Petersen 
Highlands Ranch, Colorado 


CLINTON AT THE BARRICADES 

Robert Scheer's analysis of our coun- 
туз impending job-creation crisis (Re- 
porters Notebook: "Clinton at the Barri- 
cades") in the February issue was 
insightful. As a human-services profes- 
sional, Гуе seen the folly of the retrain- 
ing approach to welfare and the reha- 
bilitation of workmen's compensati 
clients as well. Clearly, the answer isn't 
sending people to college so they can 
then obtain high-wage jobs. If all we do 
is saturate the high-wage job market 
with highly educated people, the results 
will be predictable. Those lower on the 
torem pole will be turned away, and 
those more gifted or fortunate will, by 
virtue of supply and demand, receive 
low wages. 


Too much education and training is 
not necessarily good or humane. I voted 
for Clinton, but unless he brings in a 
grass-roots economic plan—raismg the 
minimum wage substantially, for start- 
ers—I won't do so again. After all, mini- 
mum-wage laws were created precisely 
for people who want work but are either 
unable or disinclined to go to college or 
to seek professional carcers. 

Robert DePaolo 
Hooksett, New Hampshire 


BOP TILL YOU DROP 

What a timely delight to see Con- 
tributing Editor David Standish's fifth 
installment of Playboy's History of Jazz © 
Rock: Bop Till You Drop in the February i 
sue, which featured John Birks "Dizzy 
Gillespie and Miles Davis 

On January 19, 1993, 8000 people— 
myself induded—attended a service in 
celebration of Dizzy Gillespie at the Ca- 
thedral of St. John the Divine in New 
York. More than 30 jazz legends played 
a tribute and told stories about Dizzy. It 
was a great five hours of jazz, finishing 
with an ensemble Night in Tunisia. 

Dizzy would have been proud of 
Standish’s article and his portrait by Ki- 
nuko Y. Craft. 


Philip I. Heuisler Ш 
Baltimore, Maryland 


THE LAST GOOD MAN 
As a regular РГАҮВОҮ reader for the 
past 20 years, 1 am aware that you guys 
have some sort of sixth sense about the 
impending deaths of great American he- 
roes. The coincidences escaped me for 
a while, but eventually [ caught on, 
though I can't say when. It may have 
been your Playboy Interview with John 
Lennon just before he was assassinated. 
Maybe it was your 20 Questions with 
Chicago mayor Harold Washington be- 
fore he died оҒа sudden heart attack. At 
any rate, I don’t question it anymore. 
гілувоу has an uncanny skill of doing 
interviews and profiles of significant 
men and women shortly before those 
people depart this world. And now I 
read my February issue with the mar- 
velous profile of former Supreme Court 
Justice Thurgood Marshall (The Last 
Good Man) by Carl Rowan on the same 
day that my newspaper tells me that | 
tice Marshall has died 
І never paid much attention to Mar- 
shall while he was alive. But now, read- 
ing Rowan's account of his life, his opin- 
ions and his salty wisdom, I find that 1 
respect him all too late. He stood for 
everything I believe in, but like most 
Americans my age, I suspect, I didn't re- 
ally begin paying attention to the charac- 
ter of Supreme Court justices until the 
Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings. 
Randy Thorogood 
Atlanta, Georgia 


HALSTON 


Fragrance on a man’s terms 


ТРД 
Л me 
4 Р 
ead aceti Halston for Men 


© 1993 Holston Frograrces 


DOGS MUST 
BE CARRIED 


WINDSOR 
CANADIAN 


ӘУ 77 


MAKE RESPONSIBILITY PART © 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


MR. GREEN JEANS 


Sure, denim’s comfortable to wear, 
but did you know you can write on it? 
Stefan Watson—owner of a specially 
paper company and neighbor to the 
Levi Strauss factory in Albuquerque, 
New Mexico-—found the plant was dis- 
carding a million pounds of cotton scrap 
a year. He bought the remnants and last 
year produced 100,000 pounds of quali- 
ty Denim Paper. Now Levi Strauss uses 
paper made from the seat of its pants for 
letterhead stationery and memos. The 
jean giant no longer discards any denim 
and ıts wasteline has been trimmed by 
a third. 


MALCOLM X'ED 


Claiming that the civil rights leader 
was treated too glibly in the script, the 
all-African-American cast of an adult 
film walked off the set, demanding a 
rewrite. The feature was tentatively 
titled—what else?—Malcolm XXX. 


WONK IF YOU VOTED FOR BILL 


With the arrival of the Clinton-Gore 
administration, wonk—particularly the 
policy wonk—is the Nineties’ new term 
to describe a humorless politician. We 
soon expect to see the phrase applicd to 
those outside the Beltway, as in: 
Wink wonk: expert firter. 
Wank wonk: serious masturbator: 
Monk wonk: student of monasticism. 
Honk wonk: traffic engineer. 
Bonk wonk: sexologist. 
Blanc wonk: oenophile 
Thonk wonk: sound-effects guru. 
 Bronc wonk: rodeo star. 
Franc wonk: arbitrage whiz. 
Zonk wonk: Doonesbury addict 


PUFF PIECE OF THE MONTH 


‘Two Florida men have announced that 
they're setting up an airline specifically 
for smokers. Once they get off the 
ground, Smokers Express flight atten- 
dants will offer free cigarettes along with 
free burgers and free movies. The pair 
hopes to circumyent federal antismok- 
ing laws by structuring the company аза 


club, with a $25 annual fee, rather than 
as a commercial airline. Their strategy 
also includes a plan to sell advertising 
space on the planes’ exteriors. While to- 
bacco companies still can't advertise on 
the air, they may soon be able to adver- 
tise in it. 


HOOVER VAN 


Nature abhors a vacuum. A Colorado 
inventor has created a machine that 
sucks up pesky prairie dogs from their 
burrows and transfers them to a truck 
for release elsewhere. The animals are 
apparently unharmed by the process but 
are described as “somewhat confused.” 
The business, called Dog-Gone, is going 
full blast. 


OVERNIGHT POLES 


Poland's current best-selling book, 
Erotic Immunity: The Memoirs of Anastazja 
P, was written by a woman who claims 
to have taken several Polish lawmakers 
as lovers while posing as a foreign cor- 
respondent for a French newspaper. 
The scandalous diary details her under- 
cover liaisons with various members of 


parliament, induding a politician who 
espouses Catholic values. When 200,000 
copies were sold in two days, embar- 
rassed pols asked for an investigation 
into the writer's identity and veracity. 
Anastazja P. allegedly joined the press 
corps wearing black stilettos, sheer black 
stockings and a smartly cut suit. Her 
alias may have been aristocratic, but one 
journalist claimed he knew she wasn't a 
countess when she applied her makeup 
in public. 


AREAL MONKEY SUIT 


The last nail in French imperialism: 
A large orangutan in a Borneo park 
grabbed a French tourist, pulled off his 
pants, shirt and underwear and ran into 
the woods with the clothes. 


BEDTIME READING 


Wearing rubber gloves, we recently 
thumbed through the Encyclopedia of Un- 
usual Sex Practices, by Brenda Love. 
Among the more spirited entries: pecat- 
tiphilia—sexual arousal one gets from 
sinning, harpaxophilia—arousal from 
being robbed, and nasophilia—arousal 
from the sight, touch or act of licking 
your partner's nose. The book also de 
tails various forms of mutilation, dys- 
functions and awesome sex devices. The 
encyclopedia was reviewed by an editor- 
ial board of 15 internationally known 
sexologists—so everyone can confidently 
identify secret passions with words that 
sound great in the dark 


IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD 
ART WORLD 


Cleaning house became a profitable 
gesture at Mad magazine recently. More 
than 300 pieces of art, including favo- 
rites such as Fantastecch Voyage, The Odd- 
father and Star Blecch, were sold at a 
Christie's auction and attracted more 
than $600,000. Mad editor Nick Meglin 
said that the sale not only raised money 
so that Mad could remain advertise- 
ment-free but also improved the level of 
acceptance of Christie's in the art world. 
“They have an auction for Van Gogh one 


RAW 


DATA 


FACT OF THE 
MONTH 

Hot fun in the 
summertime: Al- 
most 30 percent of 
American teenagers 
lose them virginity 
soon after the end of 
the school year in 
June or July. 


QUOTE 
Ve finally have a 
president our own 
age we can imagine 
having sex with.” — 
CHERYL RUSSELL, EDF 
TOR OF THE Boomer 
Report, ON THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD 


HOME SWEET CAR 
According to a Gallup Poll, per- 
centage of Americans who give their 
cars pet names: 15. 


Percentage of people who have 
sung in their cars: 81; who have made 
obscene gestures at or remarks to 
other drivers: 67; eaten a meal while 
driving: 42; slept overnight in their 
cars: 36; read while driving: 8; fallen 
asleep at the wheel: 7; have a televi- 
sion іп their cars: 3. 


АТ THE TROUGH 
Number of federal employees who 
earn more than $100,000 annually: 
11,000; who earn more than $75,000: 
65,000. Percentage of those earning 
more than $100,000 who don't work 
in Congress or the White House: 92. 


TAXING TRIVIA 
According to a study by the Gener- 
al Accounting Office, percentage of 
callers to IRS assistance lines last year 
who heard а busy signal or were put 
on hold and hung up: 70. 


Percentage of tax forms requested 
last year that took longer than two 
weeks to arrive: 67; in 1991: 96. 


Percentage in- 
crease last year in 
number of taxpayers 
who filed returns 
electronically: 45. 


NICE HOBBY 

Percentage of his 
annual income that 
Arnold Palmer carns 
playing golf: 1; that 
Michael Jordan 
earns playing basket- 
ball: 11; that Andre 
Agassi earns playing 
tennis: 18; that Evan- 
der Holyfield earns 
boxing: 96. 


CHINA SYNDROME 
According to a recent study of sex- 
ual habits in China, percentage of 
couples who have made loye only 
while wearing clothes: 87; who соп- 
sider masturbation immoral: 80; who 

have had premarital sex: 23. 


THAT'S FINE 
Size of fine levied by the FCC on 
Howard Stern's employer for Stern's 
discussion of erections, masturbation 
and homosexual sex during his 
morning radio show: $600,000; by 


the NBA on Charles Barkley for - 


accidentally spitting on an eight-year- 
old girl: $10,000; by French Open 
offidals on John McEnroe for swear- 
ing during his loss in the tourna- 
ment's first round, $7500; by the state 
of Texas on a man arrested for pos- 
session of four automatic weapons 
and five silencers: $1000. 


Amount the federal government 
fined Michael Milken: $600 million; 
Exxon, for environmental crimes: 
$125 million; Rockwell International, 
for safety violations at a plutonium 
plant in Colorado: $18.5 million. 


Amount of Exxon's fine that was 
described as tax-deductible in a plea 
agreement: $100 million —CHIP ROWE 


week, then Degas, then Giorgione, and 
we felt these people were not at the level 
of Mad art. Now Christie's 1s considered 
legitimate.” 


FINGERING THE MOB 


Japanese mobsters are sometimes 
identifiable by missing pinkies—digits 
chopped off as punishment or in rituals 
to exhibit loyalty. The Washington Post 
now reports that there is an orthopedic 
surgeon who, for $6000, will take a toe 
from an ex-gangster's foot and graft it 
onto his hand. Again, Japan leads the 
way in digital research. 


In an unrelated story, rumor has it 
that a godfather of the Colombo crime 
family was infected with HIV after re- 
ceiving a blood transfusion from a mem- 
ber of his own gang. This has caused 
great concern among the membership, 
since during the initiation rites of the 
family, gang members ritually mingle 
their blood. Warns a medical consultant 
to Interpol, “Unless the Mafia immedi- 
ately begins to practice safe omeria, the 
crime movement will be as extinct as the 
dinosaur inside of 20 years 


THE NEXT BABERAHAM LINCOLN? 


A Yorba Linda, California city council 
candidate thought he was running an 
excellent campaign last November. 
However, he hadn't counted on the pop- 
ularity of the Wayne’s World movie, whose 
admirers apparently were responsible 
for swiping more than 300 cardboard 
campaign signs. It should have come as 
no surprise to the candidate, since his 
name is Mark Schwing. 


CYBERSEX KITTEN 


If not for a loving ex-boyfriend, writer 
Lisa Palac could be another Gloria 
Steinem. It seems that one minute for- 
mer antiporn activist Palac was giving 
her college boyfriend an ultimatum to 
get rid of his stash of adult videos and 
the next minute he’d aded her to 
watch one with him. "When I could 
finally watch a movie and get so turned 
on that I could masturbate and have an 
orgasm, it was like a revelation," says 
Palac. She then decided that rather than 
revile erotica, she'd try to improve it. 
Palac switched to film school and wrote, 
directed and starred in a sex film for her 
senior thesis. "My parents just flipped 
out when they came up for the gradua- 
tion ceremony," she says. Today, she's 29 
and editor of the new San Francisco- 
based erotica-meets-technology maga- 
zine Future Sex. Some of the best stuff is 
in the editorials written by Palac, who re- 
cently professed in print, “The last sexu- 
al frontier isn't some intergalactic tactile 
data fuck: It's your ass.” 


A First from the Western Heritage Museum 


SPIRIT 
ОҒ THE 
West WIND 


LiMiTED EDITION 


Individually numbered 
by hand with 24 karar gold. 


A Limited Edition Collector Plate. 
Hand-Numbered and Bordered in 24 Karat Gold. 
The Franklin Mint Please mail by May 31, 1993. 
Franklin Center, PA 19091-0001 
Please enter my order for Spirit of the West Wind by Hermon Adams. 
I need SEND NO MONEY NOW. I will be billed 829.50" when my 


plate is ready to be sent. Limit: one plate per collector. 
"Plus my state sales tax and 82.95 fer shipping and handling 


SIGNATURE —— 


MRIMRS/MISS = 
PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY 


ADDRESS — — art 
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TELEPHONE # ( 2 
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Satisfaction Guaranteed. If you wish to return any Franklin Mint purchase, уо 
зо within 30 days of you of that purchase for replacement, credit or refund. 


MUSIC 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


IF YOU LIKE techno, you probably know 
more about it than I do, because if you 
like it, you dance to it, which 1 haven't 
enjoyed enough lately to stay up past my 
bedtime. More than house, disco or 
mashed potato, techno is dance-specific. 
Designed for the humongous sound sy 
tems of clubs permanent and floating, it 
isn't live music, album music or even sin- 
gles music. It's DJ music, intended to be 
segued, cut up and otherwise fucked 
with by someone whose job and art in- 
volves exciting а roomful of dancers by 
any means necessary. And since techno 
tends to consist of beats rendered in tim- 
bres and registers associated with me- 
chanical or electronic agents rather than 
human ones, it’s not exactly engaging 
for the uninitiated. But I never let that 
sort of thing stop the fan in me. 

Dance musics exemplary recorded 
long form has always been the compila- 

ion, but most early techno comps lefi 
me cold. The icebreaker was Only for the 
Headstrong: The Ultimate Rave Compilation 
(Ffrreedom), followed by Rave ‘til Dawn 
(SBK). The distinction between rave and 
techno seems mostly semanuc, but the 
collections’ grand climaxes, soul sam- 
ples, organlike textures апа chorale- 
style chants and cheers (“So what do you 
say to the DJ?" “Fuck you") provide a 
rush in my living room. 

The same rocklike surges make Utah 
Saints (London) the first single-artist 
techno album an outsid n take home 
to his or her stereo. Typically enough, 
the band is composed of two weedy- 
looking Briüsh lads who sometimes 
sound weedy as well (as on their slightly 
earlier Something od EP). But from 
their Kate Bush and Annie Lennox sam- 
ples to their Philip Glass-like gift for 
high-energy trance, their techno pro- 
jects something nearly full-blooded. 
‘These songs are aural mach 
to get your adr е pumping. If you 


still request free Bird, forget 'em. But if 


you learned to love Boy George and 
Pump Up the Jam, take the next step. 


FAST CUTS: MTV Party to Go, Volume 2 
(Tommy Boy) For the old-fashioned 
dancers in the crowd—you know, rap 
fans and such. 


Welchen] they're 


mos they can still walk 


CHARLES YOUNG 


Following up last years debut, Play 
with Toys, Basehead shows no evidence 


18 of sophomore slump on Not in Kansas 


The Utah Saints: full-blooded techno. 


Music from the Utah Saints, 
the Butthole Surfers 
and a king of boogie. 


Anymore (Imago). Leader Michael Ivey 
shuns the shouting and table thumping 
of today's predominant rappers, choos- 
g to lie back and let the listener relax. 
The music slouches toward mellowdom, 
until you tune in on the lyrics, which add 
considerable flavor: sour, bittersweet, 
sardonic, hilarious. In a relaxed, nonad- 
renalized state, the listener eases into 
Ivey's sharp commentary on race, sex, 
drugs, politics and showbiz. The be- 
tween-song skits remind me of Firesign 
Theater in their precise timing, hitting a 
balance between self- and other-depre- 
cation. You'll probably have to buy it to 
h nce Ivey doesn’t shirk on words 
censored by the FCC: Do You Wanna Fuck 
(or What)? takes a cynical look at male li- 
bido on the prowl, then dissolves into an 
argument as the desired female de- 
mands respect for her favors and the 
male is forced to retreat in sullen humil- 
iaüon. Compared with the relentless 
put-downs of traditional rap, it achieves 
à new understanding of the misunder- 
standing between the sexes. 


rasr cuts: Butthole Surfers, Indepen- 
dent Worm Saloon (Capitol): The leg- 
endary Buttholes hereby release th 
a major label, and if that 
k in musical history, ГЇЇ 
eat the entire print run of this magazine. 
Produced by John Paul Jones of Led 
, the music has tremendous, 
groin-bending power that is reminiscent 
of Hendrix at his most psychedelic. 


Despite their forays into whimsy, these 
guys aren't a joke. 

The Fire/Fury Records Story (Capricorn): 
These CDs tell the story of 2n indepen- 
dent, black-owned record company that 
thrived in the Fifties and Sixties with 
a product line of blues and R&B that 
ranged from Lightnin’ Hopkins to 
Gladys Knight and the Pips. Fifty-one 
cuts on two CDs should inspire and 
invigorate anyone who hasn't grown 
too lar from the roots of rock and roll. 
Vocals and guitar lines make a beautiful 
lesson in soul technique, even if the 
recording technology is a bit primitive. 

Ciro Hurtado, Tales from Home (ROM): 
Nylon-string acoustic guitar in which the 
most obvious influence is contemporary 
Latin. Less obvious influences include 
jazz, classical and blues. Playing in a 
small ensemble with a lot of percussion 
and occasional Peruvian flute, Hurtado 
prides himself on his storytelling. and 
he's entitled. Тһе melody lines transport 
you to a different world. Fasy to listen to 
but beyond easy listening. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Now that alternative music has be- 
come mainstream, many pop tastemak- 
ers don't know whether to celebrate or 
panic. Does a movement automatically 
losc its integrity with mass acceptance? 
Of course not. The post-Nirvana world 
is full of good, bad and ugly bands that 
have to be judged on their own merits 
Many that previously would have come 
up through the indie farm system are 
being signed early by major labels. Are 
they ready for prime time? New York's 
Cell is опе of the more promising bands 
of the post-postpunk generation. On 
Slo-Blo (Geffen), their modal guitar ex- 
cursions and chordal crunch conjure up 
images of Tom Verlaine and Television 
reincarnated as grungem: 
vana's exhilarating melo 
with Pearl Jam's percussive riffs. 
James and Jerry DiRienzo both have the 
requisite adencidal-yowl delivery down. 
They plow through their pain and angst 
with insight and irony rather than bang 


lan 


their heads against walls of denial. This 
Cell is not one of a gloomy sense of 


confinement or isolation but one that 
ies new beginnings and growth. 


FAST curs: Jeff Beck, Frankie's House 
If you've written off post-Yard- 
birds Beck as a lot of sonic sound and 
fury signifying not a hell of a lot, you're 
in for a treat. This soundtrack has a 
vitality and emotional resonance that 
takes Beck's aural pyrotechnics to new 
dimensions. Imagine Freeway Jam by 
way of Pink Floyd making the leap 


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Imagine the cars you ж 1 Or at the controls of 
see here are not cars at f a stealth jet fighter? 
all, but rather an air-traffic E “ Е " We already know 
controllers nightma 1 > 2 ane № your answer. 
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cs BNA саш daran" Cub Benes Gi ^ 


күна TRAFFIG 


As evidence, we submit exhibits A,B and C from the 
full BMW lineup of 11 pulse-stirring models. 

The К110011 is the ultimate touring machine, deriving 
100HP from an 1100cc, inline-4 engine. Its sport suspen- 
Sion and ABS make awe-inspiring riding seem effortless 

Or discover the adventures awaiting you beyond the 
next cloverleaf on the K1100RS. An aggressively restyled 
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y Cross County Melo Out ЕТТІ 


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city life altogether, these motorcycles will rocket you free 
in a blaze of torque. Accompanied by our 3-year, unlimited 
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For the name of the authorized BMW motorcycle dealer 
nearest you, call 800-345-4BMW. Then е M 
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с ER 199. 


by Cos C Boson, Massænusens 021 


22 


FAST TRACKS 


оск 


М 


ЕТЕК 


Christgau Garbarini 
70 6 5 8 
3 6 "n 
Utah Saints. % ГА 6 
Сагоп Wheeler 
Beach ofthe 
War Goddess 6 6 7 7 


THE LORD AND THE LEWD DEPARTMENT: 
Jodeci hope they don’t have a sopho- 
more slump. First, they will release 
the follow-up album to Forever My 
Lady, described as more hip-hop, 
more underground. After that, they'll 
put out a gospel LP. But expect a de- 
lay between the two, because the fel- 
lows say they don't want “one album 
out there talking about sex while 
there is a gospel album out there.” 
Amazed by their success, they say 
their original purpose was to make 
“songs that would help ns get girls.” 

REELING AND ROCKING: Phil Collins is 
working on two comedies, A Proper 
Education and Goldilocks and the Three 
Bears (with Danny DeVito and Bob Hos- 
kins). . , . Niki Harris, former backup 
singer to Madonna, has landed the 
starring role in Billie's Song, based оп 
the Ше of Billie Holiday. . . . Billy Ray 
Cyrus has a ТУ movie on his schedule 
and he's recording his Achy Breaky fol- 
low-up LP. . . . There will be a Tina 
Turner movie bio and Tina has signed 
а new record contract. 

NEWSBREAKS: LPs due any time: Pere 
Ubu, Boy George, a Muddy Waters trib- 
ute, Karen Russell (lately of Grapevine) 
and Depeche Mode. Sting will be 
оп tour in the US. this month and 
next. . .. A New York vintage clothing 
store, the Antique Boutique, is selling 
authentic unsold tickets and posters 
from the Woodstock Festival. Buyers 
ll receive а notarized letter of 
authenticity with the limited-edition 
purchase. Call 219-460-8830 for 
more info. We're excited about 
the collaboration between VH-1 and 
WTTW, a public-television station in 
Chicago, called Center Stage. Pertorm- 
ers including Keith Richards, k.d. lang, 
Neil Young, Lindsey Buckingham and 
Sade went to the WTTW studios to do 
hour-long concerts that will be broad- 
cast nationally this summer. While 


there, the artists were interviewed by. 
VH-1, which in February began air- 
ing a shorter show interspersing mu- 
sic from the concerts through inter- 
views. Watch VH-1 to whet your 
appetite for PBS. . . . Van Morrison has 
recut his classic Gloria as a duet with 
John Lee Hooker for a blues LP Van is 
planning. . . . Elvis’ old band— Scotty 
Moore, D. A Fontana and Jemy Lec 
Smith calling themselves the Sun 
Rhythm Section, have reunited to cut 
a record with an array of mu: 
that may include Rah Dylan, Bruce 
Springsteen, Keith Richards, Marshall 
Crenshaw and Carl Perkins (Mr. Blue 
Suede Shoes)... . In June a booklet of 
stamps will feature Buddy Holly, Bill Ha- 
ley, Ritchie Valens, Otis Redding, Dinch 
Washington and Clyde McPhatter. Then 
in September, the Postal Service hon- 
ors Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, Bob Wills 
and the Carter Family. . . . The Beatles’ 
Long and Winding Road documentary, 
a ten-part anthology for TV, is now in 
active development. This fuels stories 
that Paul, George and Ringo may work 
together again. In another Beatles 
note, discussions are underway to re- 
lease the complete American versions 
albums on сар After a 


ians 


include: Paul MeCartney, 
the Dead, Bon Jovi, Lolla- 
and Jimmy Buffett, of course. 
t of maybes is pretty exciting, 
100: Madonna, Prince, the Stones, Pink 
Floyd and even Mariah Carey. . . . The 
National Music Foundation has cho- 
sen Lennox, Massachusetts a: site 
for a National Music Center, which 
will include a retirement home for 
professionals, a library, a 
mance center and the only in- 
teractive, hands-on museum devoted 
to American music. . . . Finally, Dave 
Marsh will return to these pages next 
month — BARBARA NELLIS 


And check out the 
rockabilly-from-Pluto take оп Hi-Heel 
Sneakers to hear a great guitarist who is 
simultaneously reconnecting with and 
transcending his roots. 


into hyperspace 


NELSON GEORGE 


Caron Wheeler was the voice on Keep 
on Movin’, one of the late Eighties’ most 
influential dance records. As Soul 11 
Soul's lead diva, Wheeler's sultry, in-the- 
pocket delivery had many touting this 
black Brit as an emerging star. But it 
hasn't quite worked out that way. After 
splitting with Soul II Soul and releasing 
a so-so debut solo album, Wheeler tries 
to fulfill her promise on her second г 
bum, Beach of the War Goddess (ЕМІ), an 
eclectic 14-song collection that essays а 
number of styles in an ambitious, though 
not always coherent, manner. 

I Adore You successfully captures a New 
York new-jack funk groove in a manner 
even Mary J. Blige would admire. 
There's a cleverly arranged version of 
Wind Cries Mary that includes several 
well-selected Jimi Hendrix samples. Fa- 
ther, which attempts to depict the long- 
term effects of the slave trade on black 
families, is a noble effort to discuss a 
complex subject within the framework 
of a pop song, 

As the Ше song and Father suggest, 
Wheeler and her many collaborators 
toiled mightily to make the album mo 
diverse and lyrically challenging than 
your average female R&B effort. For the 
most part, they succeeded. The problem 
is that the music isn't always as arresting 
as the sentiments it explores. Moreow 
the record sometimes seems scattershot 
precisely because Wheeler is stretching 
so hard to be unpredictable, There's 
real intelligence behind Beach of the W 
Goddess. Unfortunately, іс seems to miss 
as often as it hits the mark. 


Fast cuts: Dr. Dre's The Chronic (Death 
Row/Interscope) doesn't suffer from a 
lack of focus. The record is marked by 
d gangsta rhymes, memorable hooks 
nd state-of-the-art hip-hop production 
As the musical architect behind NWA, 
Dre revolu «тар records by inject- 
ing powerful funk-based grooves back 
into the music. Since Dre isa musi 
well as a rapper, his productions make 
extensive use of live, as opposed to sam- 
pled, ir ives his work 
is matched in hip-hop history 
only by Rick Rubin's productions of the 
mid-Fight 

Although Dr. Dre's lyrics are in the 
well-established traditions of L.A. gang- 
sta rap, the musical invention behind 
A Nigga Witta Gun, Ral-Tat-Tat-Tat and 
Deeez Nuuuls is just about as good as 
this genre gets. 


First house. First party. 


SMIRNOFF® VODKA 40, 45.2 & 50% Alc. by Vel. distilled from premium grain. © 1993 Ste. Pierre Smimott FLS (Division of Heublein, Inc.) Hartlord, CT—Made in U.S.A. 


24 


By NEIL TESSER 


IN THE EARLY Eighties, pianist Oscar Pe- 
terson played on an LP titled Ain't But a 
Few of Us Lefi—a phrase that resonates 
more clearly in the Nineties. In fact, 
ter the recent death of bebop's co- 
founder Dizzy Gillespie, there are only 
two left: Oscar and Ella Fitzgerald. АП 
the other jazz stars who enjoyed first- 
name-only recognition from even casual 
Jazz fans are gone, from Louis to Sarah, 
Dexter to the Count, Duke to Miles. For 
a variety of reasons, it will take at least 
another decade before their successors, 
Ше whiz kids of the Eighties, attain that 
stature. 

For nearly six decades, Ella has essen- 
tially defined the art of jazz singing. Ella 
turns diamond in April, an event com- 
memorated by the double CD Ella Fitzger- 
ald: A 75th Birthdoy Salute (GRP). Drawn 
from the mountain of recordings Ella 
did for the Decca label between 1935 
and 1955, this collection paints an ace 
rate picture of those years. As such, it 
includes several of the treacly vehicles 
she was asked to ride in the name of 
pop stardom. But much of Ella's magic 
lies in her ability to transcend her mate- 

Even the few clinkers boast her 
mix of girlish simpli 
sophisticated virtuosity. And there's 
cnough of her exubcrant, 
scat work to please the pur 

"The first 75th-birthday CD tribute ар- 
9 as Dizzy/s Diamonds 
a three-disc set that antholo- 
lespie's work for several labels 
n the years 1950 and 1964. Ву 
g one disc each to Dizzy s small- 
band and Afro: 
cordings, this collection adm 
points the trumpet genius' three spheres 
of musical influence. But by not 
ing any of Diz's рге-1950 big. band dates, 
or the records Бу his fine early-Seventies 
quintet, the folks at Verve missed the 
chance to tell the whole story. 

A different approach ennobles The His- 
fory of Art Blokey ond the Jazz Messengers, а 
three-CD set on Blue Note. Although 
that label served as home for the late 
drummer during most of his career, the 
producers have included several record- 
ings from other labels to represent 
Blakey's life after Blue Note. (Among 


peared in late 199 
(Verve), 


those heard are Freddie Hubbard, Hor- 
ace Silver, Cedar Walton and Wynton 
Marsalis.) 


Still, a reissue need not boast so epic a 
sweep to have great impact: Consider Ex- 
clusively for My Friends (Verve), from the 
other remaining legend, Oscar Peterson. 
Between 1963 and 1968, Oscar recorded 
six LPS worth of private concerts in the 
home of a German producer, concerts 
which now constitute this four-CD box. 


Ella, Dizzy, Oscar: not just for purists. 


Ella's gems, 
Dizzy's Diamonds and 
Oscar's piano. 


Oscar has long deserved his reputation 
as a master of piano technique. He's also 
deserved the complaint that one ofien 
can't hear the mu through all the 
notes. But here, the medium matches his 
inspired messages—which is why many 
people consider these tracks his single 
greatest body of work. 

One more multidisc box encapsulates 
20 years in the development of what's 
now known as contemporary jazz, as 
filtered through one band's experience. 
The Crusaders: The Golden Years (GRP) 
starts with the Crusaders Blake: 
enced sound of the early Sixties 2 
traces their evolution into a less capti: 
E crossover outfit An unexpected 
bonus lies in hearing how the individual 
craltsmanship of pianist Joc Sample and 
trombonist Wayne Henderson has re- 
mained consistent. despite the deterio- 
rating surroundings. 

Similarly, saxophonist Wayne Shorter 
manages to maintain his musical identity 
оп a dreary, spaceball production called 
The Goloctic Age (Manhattan). Guesting 
with guitarist Haruhiko Takauchi's 
fusion band, Haru, Shorter has lent hi 
surgical imprimatur to such futile tunes 
as lo (New Age Groove) and Odyssey Epi- 
sode. Ws an ersatz Weather Report with 
a poor forecast—though on one track, 
Shorter does get to solo behind the 
recorded “voice” of physicist Stephen 
Hawking. Better to spend your time 
with an exhilarating electric romp led by 
saxist Bill Evans on Petite Blonde (Lip- 


stick), which also drummer Denni 
Chambers and guitarist Chuck Loeb. 
Both Shorter and Evans spent extend- 
ed formative periods with Miles Davi: 
Joe Henderson did not, but on his spec- 
tacular new album So Near, So For 
(Verve)—subtitled Musings for Miles—the 
tenor giant dips deep into Davis’ legacy. 
This one offers greater challenges than 
Henderson's 1992 hit Lush Life, with 
unique shadings of the Davis repertoire 
and indelible sax solos. With a band of 
notable ex-Milesians in guitarist John 
Scofield, Dave Holland (the finest bassist 
jazz) and the versatile drummer Al 
Foster, Henderson has crafted an album 
ely to make this year's top-ten 


One more alumnus of Davis U., gui- 
tarist Mike Stern, opts to reinvestigate 
several classic jazz tunes on Stendords 
(And Other Songs) (Atlantic Jazz), joined by 
such similarly schooled heavyweights as 
trumpeter Randy Brecker and tenor 
player Bob Berg. And on Portrait of a Play- 
er (Windham Hill Jazz), pianist Billy 
Childs takes the same tack, wiumphing 
with such works as John Coltrane's Satel- 
lite and Cedar Walton's Bolivia. Both 
men have made their names with high- 
energy, take-no-prisoners modernism; 
by containing and re that ener- 
gy. Stern and, especially, С 
the more traditional material with laser- 
like intensity. 

Finally, the short list comprises names 
either new or until now unfamiliar. On 
Postiche (Novus), vocalist Vanessa Rubin 
displays a wonderfully complex timbre 
and salty inflection, heard to best advan- 
tage on soulful (and rarely sung) lines by 
contemporary jazz composers. Introduc- 
ig Tom Williams (Criss Cross) spotlights a 
trumpeter who plays in the U.S. Army 
Band but whose heart belongs to Kenny 
Dorham (the nuanced hard-bopper of 
the Fifties and Sixties). With buttery 
command and crisp ideas, Williams 
bears watching. Another trumpeter, Roy 
Campbell, stretches the envelope on New 
Kingdom (Delmark), deftly incorporating: 
free-jazz technique and spirited group 
improvising. Multi-instirumentalist. Hal 
Russell, whose Chicago-based NRG En- 
semble combined dadaist wit and sear- 
icianship, died in September 
He leaves us Hal's Bells (ECM), ten 
g, uncompromised musical poems 
in free verse from a one-man band of 
overdubbed percussion, vibes, sax and 
trumpet. And trombonist Steve Turre in- 
dulges his passion for conch shells— 
which he plays as miniature, organic, 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


DEFINING NORMAL seems to be the main i: 
sue of Benny & Joon (МСМ), a fresh come- 
dy about a worried big brother named 
Benny (Aidan Quinn) and his winsome, 
addled sister Joon Pearl (Mary Stuart 
Masterson), a young woman whose ele- 
vator doesn't go all the way to the top. 
Her erratic behavior puts a crimp in 
off-and-on relationship with a 
ess (Julianne Moore). Enter 
Sam, played with brio by Johnny Depp, 
here adding another dimension to his 
Edward Scissorhands stint. Sam is a true 
eccentric with a fondness for old movies 
and an uncanny ability to perform some 
comic stunts that he learned by studying: 
Buster Kcaton. Sam and Joon are in- 
stantly drawn to cach other, and thereby 
hangs a tale that gradually becomes wag- 
gish, farfetched and quite appealing. Di- 
rector Jeremiah Chechik maintains а 
light touch that skips right over a few 
semiprecious plot points while Master- 
son and Quinn do their sister-brother 
act with an unforced charm. УУУ 


Chinese director Zhang Yimou (see 
Off Camera, March) follows up his previ- 
ous films (Ju Dou and Raise the Red Lan- 
tern) with an equally brilliant modern 
folktale called The Story of Qiu Ju (Sony Pic- 
tures Classics). Zhang's star, for the 
fourth time, is gorgeous Gong Li, play- 
ing down her beauty but playing up her 
talent in the title role as a pregnant peas- 
ant woman who treks through town and 
country in a quest for justice. A village 
chief has kicked her husband in the 
groin, mocking him for being the father 
of four girls. Qiu Ju demands an apolo- 
gy. Saving face is the real issue in a 
screenplay based on a popular C 
novel, which Zhang transforms into a 
documentary-like study of peasant life, 
city morals, bureaucracy and the stay- 
ing power of a determined woman. 
"Throughout, he fills the screen with 
striking visual contrasts between dusty, 
crowded urban scenes and the country 
landscape, where bright red chili рер- 
pers are raised, harvested and strung 
everywhere. Тһе red peppers clearly 
represent the spice of life in a Story that’s 
both enchanting and stirring. УУЗУ 


Identical twins separated at birth 
come together in Equinox (1.R.S. Releas- 
ing), a cerebral if somewhat pretentious 
psychodrama by writer-director Alan 
Rudolph. Matthew Modine portrays 
both Henry, an insecure garage mechan- 


Quinn, Masterson in sibling standotf. 


Women with minds of their 
own make waves. Men and 
boys make serious mischief. 


ibly, with able backing by Lara Flynn 
Boyle, Marisa Tomei, Lori Singer and 
Fred Ward. Set in a fictional metropolis 
called Empire (though largely filmed in 
Minneapolis Paul), the movie is at- 
mospheric, 
to say, not especially involving. ¥¥ 


Growing up in Liverpool, England in 
, the 11-year-old hero of The 
Long Day Closes (Sony Pictures Classics) is 
a boy named Bud (Leigh McCormack) 
in an autobiographical film written and 
directed by Terence Davies. His 1988 
Distant Voices, Still Lives collected scads 
of movie prizes as a kind of blue-collar 
sing-along with its heart and soul in 
English pubs. This time—with songs, 
soundtrack excerpts and film clips from 
records and movies he remembers— 
Davies brings back the formative years 
of a film nut who's loved by his family, 
hated at school. “Nasty little creatures, 
you little boys are," snarls one unhelpful 
teacher, while Bud survives by romanti- 
dizing the working-class world around 
him. While Long Day Closes is hardly a 
match for the airy, irresistible charm of 
Cinema Paradiso, Davies makes restrained 
h moves in the same direction. YV/z 


Any thought that skinhead violence 


Germany or the meanest streets in the 


US. should be dispelled by Romper 
Stomper (Academy), writer-director Geof- 
frey Wright's chilling portrait of bigotry 
on the rampage in Melbourne, Australia 

Russell Crowe as Hando, with Daniel 
Pollock as Davey, heads a skinhead wolf 
pack of white supremacists who beat the 
hell out of Asians presumptuous enough 
to go into business on their turf. Both 
are perfect as urban savages whose social 
standing and self-esteem have hit bot- 
tom, and they hit back blindly—abeued, 
in various ways, by a blonde waif named 
Gabe (Jacqueline McKenzie) who has 
probably been molested by her well- 
heeled dad. Few American action movies 
are more energetic, timely or meaning- 
ful—which makes Romper Stomper a reve- 
lation in its own wicked way. ¥¥¥ 


That once and former Monty Python, 
Michael Palin, plays it completely 
straight in American Friends (Castle Hill). 
Star and co-author (with director Tris- 
tram Powell) of a fine vintage romance 
inspired by diaries his great-grandfather 
left behind, Palin is a starchy Oxford don 
named Francis Ashby who stumbles on- 
to happiness during a Swiss holiday. An 
American s ler and her ward (Connie 
Booth and Trini Alvarado) first beguile 
Ashby, then track him down again in Ox- 
ford. Before he realizes that irs the 
young ward and not her guardian who 
excites him, one of Ashby’s horny col- 
leagues (Alfred Molina) has seduced the 
girl. American Friends is simultaneously 
scenic, ironic and soft-spoken as a book- 
ish pleasure in a minor key. ¥¥¥ 


A director who made some good 
movies before turning out a trashy sci- 
ence-fiction epic is the antihero of The 
Pickle (Columbia). The godawful and 
eponymously titled movie-within-the- 
movie so embarrasses the director (Dan- 
ny Aiello) that he contemplates suicide. 
Before the premiere of his fiasco—about 
farmers whose crops yield one huge 
cuke that becomes a spaceship—the di- 
rector also tries coming to terms with his 
wayward son (Chris Penn) and two for- 
mer wives (Dyan Cannon overworks her 
wiles as the sexier ex). Of course, the 
film turns ош to be a hit, which is more 
than сап be said for the Pickle that wri- 
ter-director Paul Mazursky finds himself 
a sour comedy burdened by flash- 
Шу fantasies and all the earmarks 
ofa flop. Y 


Voted an audience favorite at this 
year’s Sundance Festival, El Mariachi 
(Columbia) proves that money isnt 
everything for a moviemaker rich in 


№ 


Lynch: ош on a limb. 


FF CAMERA 


She's her father's daughter, all 
right. Jennifer Lynch, whose dad is 
David—creator of Tivin Peaks and 
other offbeat TV and film fare— 
was 22 when she wrote The Secret 
Diary of Laura Palmer, a best-seller. 
Just 25, perhaps the youngest 
woman ever to write and direct a 
major feature, she takes full cred- 
it—or blame—for Boxing Helena. 
This erotic black comedy is the 
film both Madonna and Kim 
Basinger were scheduled to play. 
^] can't talk about that because the 
case is going to court,” says Jen- 
nifer. Sherilyn Fenn took the 
role—a sexpot whose legs and 
arms are amputated by а love- 
crazed surgeon (Jul ands) who 
wants to keep her to himself. At 
L.A. screenings and Sundance Fes- 
tival previews, Helena has been a 
hot ticket as well as a conversa 
piece. "One L.A. critic asked if I 
was trying to say that all men ejac- 
ulate prematurely," says Lynch. “I 
told him, Jesus Christ, no.” She 
also can't quite believe it when 
anyone calls the humor in her film 
unintentional. “1 wanted to be 
lighthearted about love, and how 
we all make fools of ourselves." 

Close to both her divorced par- 
ents, Jennifer has been hanging 
around her dad's movie sets since 
childhood. “Eraserhead was a 
nightmare he had about my con- 
ception.” By the time he made 
Dune, she was 12 or 13 and getting 
ideas of her own. “I’ve pretty 
much watched and learned,” she 
adds. An unabashed original who 
calls herself “a coffee lunatic,” her 
left arm bears a tattoo of a steam- 
ing coffee cup and the words 
HOLLYWOOD ALTERNATIVE. "Kinky 
humor is one of my father’s best 
attributes, too. Pcople have a hard. 
time with what they think is 
voyeurism. But going to the mov- 
is one of the most voycuristic 
you can do." 


imagination and zeal. Co-author and di- 
rector Robert Rodriquez, 24 years old, 
spent $7000 on a tragicomedy about 
mistaken identity in a desolate Mexican 
town. His hero (Carlos Gallardo) is a 
mariachi player, carrying a guitar ca: 
and being shot at when hoods mistake 
him for a hit man with a guitar case 
loaded with lethal weapons. There's lit- 
tle more to it than that. But Rodriquez 
parlays his assets—a fetching heroine 
(Consuela Gómez), plus, іп his own 
words, “a school bus, a pit bull, a motor- 
cycle, two bars and a ranch"—into a 
crude but spirited, spontaneous feature 
debut that won him a two-year contract 
in Hollywood. ¥¥¥ 


А small, stifling Arizona town figures 
in Bodies, Rest £ Motion (Fine Line), which 
covers about two days in the lives of four 
indecisive singles in their 20s. Bridget 
Fonda plays Beth, who is living with 
Nick (Tim Roth) when he decides, for no 
particular reason, to move to Montana. 
Not sure he wants a real commitment, 
Nick impulsively drives away on his own, 
leaving Beth and her best friend Carol 
(Phoebe Cates) to cope as best they can. 
A pot-smoking young handyman named 
Sid (Егіс Stoltz) comes to repaint the 
house for the next tenants. Beth not on- 
ly copes but copulates with Si 
rected by Michael Steinberg, w 
Roger Hedden and played by Roth, 
Nick is such an insensitive dolt that any 
would be glad to color him 
g s the low man in a f 
foursome. Although the perf 
adequate, viewers pondering th 
moves are apt to respond to this one 
with a big yawn. ¥¥ 


Episodes dealing with virtual reality 
and computer-constructed images tend 
to make House of Cards (Miramax) more 
cerebral than emotional. Kathleen Tur- 
ner plays a wife and mother who comes 
home to the U.S. with her two young 
children after her husband's accidental 
death on an archaeological mission. 
Daughter Sally (Asha Menina), though, 
refuses to speak, displaying symptoms 
of autism. In writer-director Michael 
Lessac’s ambitious but somewhat leaden 
first feature, Tommy Lee Jones portrays 
the doctor called in to help after Sally 
starts sleepwalking across the roof, then 
constructs a towering house of cards. Af- 
ter hours at the computer, her mother 
finally figures out that the way to bring 
her troubled daughter back into the real 
world is to counter with an impressive 
superstructure out in the nearby woods. 
See? The going gets pretty thick at this 
juncture, although Turner, Lee and 
company seem to take il quite s 
ously. Getting into the spirit of the thing 
isn't easy. ¥/2 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


American Friends (See review) A shy 
Oxford don goes courting. wy 
Amos & Andrew (Listed only) Samuel L. 
Jackson and Nicolas Cage joke about 
black neighbors in a white hood. YY 
Benny & Joon (See review) Screwed-up 
siblings maintain high spirits. УУУ 
Bodies, Rest & Motion (See review) To be 
young, restless and forgettable. ¥¥ 
The Crying Game (1/93) Irish terrorism. 
and gender-crossing sex games will 
keep you guessing. ЕА 
Dead Alive (4/93) Gore, then more. Y 
El Mariachi (See review) A new talent 
gets Hollywood's green light. УУУ 
Equinox (See review) Dual role for Mo- 


dine in the Twin Cities. YY 
Extreme Justice (4/93) Police brutality 
on the go again in L.A. » 


Falling Down (3/93) Michael Douglas 
gives the City of Angels hell. ¥¥¥/2 
A Few Good Men (2/93) Leathernecks 
charged with murder in a slick but 
stirring courtroom drama. wy 
House of Cards (See review) In the end, 
it all comes tumbling down. Ye 
Joey Breaker (4/93) A showbiz agent on 
the run. We 
Just Another Girl on the IRT (4/03) She's 
bad, young and watchable. К 
Léolo (4/93) Boy begot by tomato. YY 
The Long Day Closes (See review) And a 
British lad stuck on old movies. УУУ; 
Mad Dog & Glory (Listed only) Gangster 
Bill Murray lends Uma Thurman for 
a week to police photog Robert De 
Niro in a droll romantic comedy. УУ 
Мар of the Human Heart (4/93) Some- 
time lovers who meet but somehow 
also keep missing. EA 
Olivier Olivier (4/93) A lost French boy 
comes home—or does he? wy 
Passion Fish (3/93) Crippled soap star 
meets her match, indeed. wy 
The Pickle (See review) It grows into a 
spaceship and gets nowhere. Y 
Riff-Raff (4/03) The lowlife hard at 
work on a London high-rise. LU 
Romper Stomper (See review) Way down 
under with skinheads in action. УУУ 
Stolen Children (4/03) Kids and a cop in 
a heartfelt Italian drama. УУУУ; 
The Story of Qiu Ju (See review) She's a 
Chinese wife with a mission, УУУУ 
This Boy’s Life (4/93) As а stepfather 
from hell, De Niro scores a hit. ¥¥¥/2 
Watch it (3/93) Boys will be boys, but 
girls help them grow out of it. ¥¥Y2 


YY Worth a look 
¥ Forget it 


YYYY Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


NOW DIGITAL SOUND FITS ІМ А CASSETTE BOX. 


Presenting the Digital Compact Cassette. a 


breakthrough in both digital and cassette 
technology. Brought to you by Philips, the same 
people who invented the compact disc. 


Pre-recorded DCC cassettes give you precise, crystal 
clear reproduction of every kind of music with zero 
noise and zero hiss. That's because the tape inside is all 
digital. Outside, DCC cassettes are sleek, streamlined 
and come complete with their own lyric booklet. 


In addition, DCC decks are specially designed to play 
analog tapes as well as digital. That means you can keep 
the cassettes you have now, and keep listening to them. 
So whether it's a favorite old tape from years ago, or your 
favorite new DCC cassette, you can have it both ways. 


What's more, you'll be able to enjoy DCC cassettes at 
home or on the go. Look for portable DCC players at 
your local retailer soon. 


The incredible sound quality of digital audio combined 
with the unsurpassed convenience ofa EJ 
cassette. That's what DCC stands for. 

All of these artists and hundreds more are now available 
on DCC: Bon Jovi + Boyz Il Men + Jose Carreras 
Cathy Dennis * Placido Domingo * Extreme 
Shirley Horn * | Musici * Herbert von Karajan 
Yevgeny Kissin * Bob Marley * Luciano Pavarotti 


Lionel Richie * Shakespear's Sister * U2 
Suzanne Vega + Vanessa Williams 


Your music will never be the same. 


DCC. HOW TO HEAR THE FUTURE WITHOUT GIVING UP THE PAST. 


VIDEO 


ШӘЛІ 


"| suppose the great- 
est film of all time is 
Citizen Kane,” says 
Charlton Heston. 
While the actor's ac- 
tor deems the Orson 
Welles classic a must 
for the VCR, he be- 
comes modest when 
it comes to home-viewing his own body of 
work. “I'm never content with any of my 
films,” he says. “I always feel | could do it 
better if | could do it again." To what does 
the star of Ben-Hur and Planet of the Apes 
give his blessings? Laurence Olivier's Hen- 
ry V and Merchant-lvory's Howards End. 
“But basically" he says, "I recommend 
whatever good film I've just finished 
watching." — SUSAR KARLIN 


VIDEO PRISONER 


As it celebrates its 25-year anniversary, 
TV's The Prisoner т ns a cult hit—on 
tape. Futuristic, allegorical and often just 
weird, the series starred. Patrick. Mc- 
Goohan (a creator of the show) as Num- 
ber Six, retired spy and um 
dent of a place called the Village. As 
various Number Twos pursue Six, the 
question remains: What does it all 
mean? Some landmark chapters are: 
Arrival: First episode. Number Two wants 
conformity from Number Six—who re- 
fuses. Required viewing if only to appre- 
ciate other episodes. 

Chimes cf Big Ben: New babe moves in next. 
door to Six. Ingenious, taut spy yarn co- 
starring Leo McKern, the best Number 
"Iwo. (Also on vid: the “lost episode" of 
Chimes, with 30 differences.) 

Many Happy Returns: finally escapes. 
Almost. Double-surprise-twist at end. 

Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling: Six's 
mind is stolen and put into a new body. 
Naturally, he's bummed. 

Checkmote: Village courtyard is a chess- 
board, Villagers are the pieces. Six leads 
revolt but gets cornered in own game. 
Fallout: Features bizarre images, fine dia- 
log and the identity of the elusive Num- 
ber One. —REED KIRK RAHLMANN 
(Tapes from МР1 Home Video, $29.98 each.) 


VIDEO GRAB BAG 


Mahalia Jackson: CBS News’ 1974 tribute 
to the gospel great. Also features fellow 
legend abeth Cotten delivering 
Freight Train. 

Tchaikovsky Competition: Violin & Piano: 
Keys and strings duel in Moscow at 1982 
contest, Onstage, the pla: 
backstage, the pressure is 


gg Thornton Wilder's Our Town: Handsome 


1977 version of stage classic about turn- 
of-century town's simpler way of life 
Solid cast includes Hal Holbrook, Ned 
Beatty and Robby Benson. 

Origin of Life: Crash course in evoluti 
from sex in the primordial ooze to rare 
footage of the Scopes trial. —CHRISBALL 
(Tapes from Master Vision, 800-846-0123.) 


LASER FARE 


From the Mansion to your 1 
"This month Image Enterta 
spice to its laser library with Hugh Hefner: 
Once Upon a Time, Lynch and Frost's vid 
bio of our main man. Program tracks 
Hef's fantastic journey from kitchen- 
table dreamer to king of the hutcl 
available on tape from Uni). . .. MGM/ 
UA's The Compleat Tex Avery offers every 
cartoon directed by the master of the 
surreal during his 13-ycar MGM stint. 
i с platters, 100 bucks. . . 
should be pleased: Voy- 
ager's CAV transfer of his Adventures of 
Baron Munchausen is ultracrisp, letter- 
boxed and features tons of extras. De- 
cent disc—but we still want Brazil. 
— GREGORY P FAGAN 


HOME MOVIES 


We've seen a boom in homemade porn 
and homemade videos. Now here come 
homemade features—tossed together by 
vanguard auteurs Matt Mitler, Jennifer 
and Robert Prichard and a wild cast of 


New York performance artists. Di 
шесі under the banner “the Movie-of- 
the-Month Club,” the low-budget vids 
(lowest: $200, highest: $2500) are shot іп 
sequence—often in one day—with all di- 
alog improvised by the actors. 
1 Was a Teenage Bride of Christ: Three 
women are desperate to marry, and 
guess who's their savior. A costume farce 
for lapsed Catholics, with twisted script 
by Ted LoRusso. 

Manic а Go-Go: Male exotic dancer dreams 
of peace and quiet with his girl, but an 
obsessed male fan is dreaming of a piece 
of him. Laugh riot a-go-go. 

Kid Scarface: Everything Joey the thug 
does is dumb. Stupid, too: trouble with 
the mob, nose candy and a tall moll 
named Sandy. Best of the lot. 

Les Enfants Miserables: То inherit Daddy's 
millions, siblings-in-love Jewel and Jim 
have to stay married to others for one 
year. Warped Truffaut, with denoue- 
ment delivered by talking dog. 

Dick and Jane Drop Acid and Die: High 
school sweethearts discover Romeo, Juli- 
et and little colored pills. Out there—but 
not entirely a bad trip. 

Also available: Macbeth, King of Scoutland 
(deranged Boy Scouts, Shakespearcan 
plot, Pythonesque camp) and the up- 
coming Alien Sex-Phone Psycho, written Бу 
Jennifer Prichard, who, by the way, is a 
former Playboy Bunny. —JULIE BESONEN 
(All tapes $14.95 from Surf Reality, Lid. 
Call 212-673-4182.) 


The Last of the Mohicans (Daniel Doy-Lewis is Cooper's 
French and Indion War hero; uneven script, pretty pictures); 
Sneakers (Redford ond РсіНег lead all-star good guys іп 
search of super camputer-cracker); A Day in October (1943 


Denmark: D. B. Sweeney hatches onti-Nazi plan; с sleeper). 


TIMELESS 
SIMPLICITY 
AND 
ULTRA-SOFT 
VINTAGE 
LEATHER. 
FOR THE 
COMFORT OF 
А BYGONE 


ERA. 


Жон YOUR NEAREST L.A. GEAR DEALER CARRYING THE VINTAGE SERIES CALL 1-800-786-7810. 
PICTURED FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: VINTAGE MATCHFOINT, RACER & COURT PLAYER 


GEAR’ 


WIRED 


THE SKIES GET FRIENDLIER 


Press “1” for cocktails, “2” for entree se- 
lection, "3" to choose a movie, "4" to 
send a fax and “57 to call the blonde in 
the row-five window seat. Welcome to 


21st century air travel, arriving ahead of 


schedule at an airport ncar you. Using 
an individual touch-sensitive LCD 
screen mounted at each scat, passengers 
will soon be able to select from these 
and other in-flight services, play video 


games or shop 
from a vast sky catalog. All this could 
turn a 747 into the highest singles bar 
around. United, Northwest and Conti- 
nental will be first out of the gate with 
these new systems. By 1995 it's possible 
you'll be playing video poker over inter- 
national waters, using your credit card 
for instant cash. 


MD VERSUS DCC 


Compact discs suffer motion sickness 
and you can't record on them. Cassettes 


MINIDISCS | эсс; 

Aiwa Bbupunkt 
Alpine Caner 
Clarion Harmon Kardon 
Denon. Marantz 
Hitachi PonasonicfTecnics 
Onkyo Philips 
Pioneer Tondy/Rodio Shack 
КОСЕ 

Sony 
Yamaha 


sound like losers when compared with 
CDs. Now the electronics industry is of- 


go fering the best of both worlds with two 


Where & How 10 Buy on page 171 


recordable digital formats: the digital 
compact cassette from Philips Electron- 
ics and the mini from Sony. DCCs 
sound comparable to CDs, and all play- 
er-recorders will play back analog cas- 
settes. The 24” MDs also sound great, 
are highly portable and offer much 
quicker access to a specific track. Want to 
ay who has confidence in which for- 
mat? Check out in the accompanying 
box who's backing Sony (MD) and who's 
backing Philips Electronics (DCC). 


HIGH ON SIERRA 


If you have a modem and ап IBM- 
compatible computer that's at least 286/ 
16MHz, check out The Sierra Network. 
An all-graphics, on-line entertainment 
service, TSN looks like an electronic 

neighborhood with a variety of 

buildings and “lands” where you 
can play games or chat with other 
subscribers. In the adults-only Larry 
Land, for example, you can chal- 
lenge someone to a round of black- 
jack, try the Super Sex Machine 


iti: test your 
crease the fu 
toonlike char; 


you can also create car- 
ters to represent you on 


the network. Want to be a handsome 
muscle-bound hunk named Leroy? It'll 
cost you $12.95 monthly for a subscrip- 
tion, which includes 30 hours of on-line 
time. Larry Land will set you back ап 
additional $4 per month. 


Looking for a camcorder that doesn't have a viewfinder about the size of a keyhole? 
Then track down Sharp's 1.9-pound Мем Cam—the Hi-8mm model is shown here— 


which features а four-inch LCD monitor for on-the-spot viewing and playback. Other 
highlights include a rotating arm-lens for high- and low-angle shots, a wireless remote 
and image stabilization technology (about $2200). e Virtual Vision Sport, a pair of 
black wraparound eyeglasses that look like something the Terminator would wear, has 
а one-inch video display and a reflective lens that create the effect of a 60-inch televi- 
sion screen floating in spoce. Each pair comes with a TV tuner and is a wireless receiv- 
er for VCR, camcorder and cable hookups ($900). e Carver has just introduced the 
SD/A-390t, the first five-disc CD carousel changer with a vacuum tube (about $650). 
e Terk Technologies’ Leapfrog Wireless remote-control range extension system attach- 
es to your remote and allows you to use it up to 150 feet from the source (570). e Back 
Talk from Directed Electronics, a module ihat connects to your auto security 

system, enables you to program your own voice to sound off when 


someone's tampering with your vehicle: $209 uninstalled. 


MELT THE ICE. 


ИЛ О. dt y to Poo 
ONLY 66 CALORIES” 


асат» rum. Made in Puerto] Rico. PACIEN TE BAI DEVE ESTEIED TADA OSCAR! A COMPANY LIMITED 3 BICATOI CRI ae 
VOL “Gil Cole and Ihe дугат ict ae eisered рабата ol The Coca-Cola Company. "One ounce ol Bacardi ght rum ad Seven tunes Of diet Coke 


32 


STYLE 


SQUARE'S BACK 


In keeping with fashion's recent love affair with the Sixt 
the men's square-cut bathing suit is this summer's hottest 
style. Shorter and more fitted than swim trunks of the past 
few years, the square-cut suit is made with a blend ofspande 

(for improved 


some s| 
сыз. e 


She 


stretch) and cot- 
ton (so it dries 
fas). One com- 


with another ver- 
sion that features 
banded side pan- 
els ($24, shown 
hei The first 
swimsuit in de- 
signer Michael 
Kors’ collection 
is also a belted 
style, which 
.M.L.A. makes bai 
h are shown here bottles. e 
ith Fi 


gom. 


product 


available in both solids 
and gangster both of wl 
($29), and Gianni Versace offers daring spandex models w 
Miami-inspired prints (yikes! $450). Even Speedo, the bast 
of the lifeguard brief, makes square-cut cotton-lycra swim 
trunks that come in four patterns ($34). These styles provide 
nice alternatives to surfer jams, and they're flattering, too. 


from the 


ber 
SOLE SEARCHING 


Another fashion trend that smacks of a Sixues revival is the 
sandal. Recently worn primarily by beach bums and aging 
flower children, this simple slip-on style has suddenty be- 
come the latest status shoe. Clunky, square-toed Birken- 
stocks ($55 to $130) have been spotted on Madonna, Har- 
rison Ford and first daughter Chelsea Clinton. Buftalino 
makes updated huarache-style sandals that are ac- 
cented with bright, multicolored braiding, as well 
as fisherman-strap models with both open and 
closed toes ($35 to $40). Kenneth Cole has giv- 
en the sandal trend a spin by adding a struc- 
tured heel to his version ($129), as has French 
cobbler J. Fenestrier with his wide-strap, open- 
back mule ($255). Sandals have also become 
the new frontier in athletic shoes. Instead of 
pumping up their sneakers, keen competitors 
аге now strapping on sport sandals for river raft- 
ing, rock-climbing and even running. Nike's Air 
Deschiitz ($60) is one best-selling style, and check 
out Teva's comfortable new nonskid sailing sport san 
dal ($65). It has a kind of topless Topsider look 


Inc. (216-475-2515): 
Designer suits and 


(800-846-1600): 
High fashion for big 
and tall guys. e Sev- 
(suspen 


range of recycled 


including 
comforters filled with 
shredded plastic pop. 


ield Flannels (800- 
377-0777): Authentic 
vintage team jerseys 


leagues. e Used Rub- 
USA (415-626- 
7855): No, not what 

re thinking; 
catalog oflers an array of vallets, date books and oth- 
er items made from 100 percent recycled rubber tires. e 


HOT SHOPPING: BUYING BY THE BOOK 


Home shopping has changed considerably since the days when 
Scars Roebuck had something for everyone. Here, for exam- 
ple. is a roundup of 
catalogs that cater to 
ial 


CLOTHES LINE 


Мо one telis menswear designer An- 
drew Fezza what to wear. He relies 
on instinct and experience. "The ab- 


ter- 
rt Sizes 


d-name sports- solute first thing 1 ask 
ed for men myself when deciding 
The is, ‘How will it feel?" 

mpany Keeping function and 


wearability in mind, he 
often dons something 
from—surprise—his 
own collection, An- 
drew Fezza Sports- 


wear, but he also gives 

the nod to a few 

competitors, including 

Dolce & Gabbana and 

Gianni Versace. When 

flying on business, Fez- 
za wears knit pull-on pants and 
T-shirts (because they travel well and 
remain relatively free of wrinkles) and 
carries on a sports jacket and other 
essentials (socks, underwear, etc.). “I 
guess my luggage has been lost too 
many times." We hear you. 


Ebbets 


minor 


ndom Catalog (800-221-7402): Just what you're 
ig. More than 100 brands of safety 


STAR STORES 


No longer content to feed us in their restaurants, 
celebrities are now attempting to dress and 
groom us as well. Yes, retail stores are one of the 
latest investment trends among the rich and fa- 
mous. Spike Lee got a head start in 1991 when 
he opened the first Spike's Joint in Brooklyn. 
An outlet for fashions ral accessories tied to his 
movies, the store was such a hit that the acto 
director recently opened a second on Melrose 
Avenue in Los Angeles. Nearby in Hollywood is 


the X-Large Store, a hip-hop clothing shop partly 
owned by Be 


ic Boy Mike D. And in New York, 
lavor Flay of Public Enemy has let 4 
ad: He own 


S T Y L Em 


T E 


T-SHIRTS | IN OUT 
ЕТ Comfortoble, worn either slightly oversized or | Bulky two-color reversibles; extra-large sizes 
tight for a sleeker look worn down to the knee 
arms Crew necks; button henleys; shorter, mid- Rolled sleeves; homemade, rogged, sleeveless 
bicep-length sleeves: worn outside ponts T-shirts; elbow-length sleeves 
DETAILING | Bold stripes; Seventies-inspired brights mixed Pastel colors and neons such as chartreuse 


with preppy tones; bosic neutrols 


and hot pink 


Where & How to Buy on page 171 


A diamond is forever. 


Бу DIGBY DIEHL 


The Road to Wellville (Viking) is a comic 
tour de force by T. Coraghessan Boyle 
that establishes him at the top of his lit- 
erary game. In his fifth novel, Boyle 
takes us back to 1007-1908 to explore 
John Harvey Kellogg's world-famous 
Battle Creek Sanitarium—"bastion. of 
right thinking, vegetarianism and self- 
improvement, citadel oftemperance and 
dress reform and, not coincidentally, the 
single healthiest spot on the planet.” As 
an offshoot of his health spa, Kellogg 
also became “the inyentor of the corn 
flake and peanut butter, not to mention 
caramel-cereal coffee, Bromose, Nuto- 
lene and some 75 other gastrically cor- 
rect foods.” Thus, he turned Battle 
Creek, Michigan into the breakfast-food 
capital of the world. 

The spa and its wealthy, health-crazed 
devotees are ripe targets for satire, and 
Boyle doesn't miss a single hilarious 
shot, including the hucksterism of Dr. 
Kellogg. The doctor's lectures on the 
evils of red meat, refined sugar and sex- 
ual indulgence are capped with demon- 
strations such as trying to feed a steak to 
Lillian the chimpanzee or revealing that, 
under a microscope, aged beef has more 
bacteria than horse manure. 

Boyle focuses on Will and Eleanor 
Lightbody from Peterskill, New York, 
who come to the spa for Will's nervous 
stomach and Eleanor's boredom, In the 
parallel crackpot world of Battle Creek, 
small-time hustler Charlie Ossining has 
teamed up with big-time hustler Good- 
loe Bender to establish the Per-Fo: “The 
‘Perfect Food,’ Pre-Digested, Peptonized 
and Celery Impregnated. Perks Up 
Tired Blood and Exonerates the Bow- 
els.” Charlie and Goodloe find competi- 
tion tough in the cereal business, but, 
with the help of Dr. Kellogg's ne'er-do- 
well son, they progress to blackmail. 

In the hands of a lesser writer, this sto- 
ry might be a charming, mildly humor- 
ous bit of Americana. Boyle, however, 
has a genius for envisioning his scenes 
in such delicious detail and for present- 
ing his characters with such subtle in- 
sight that The Road to Wellville is rich and 


wn), by Clark How- 
ard, is a compelling, true crime story. In 
1977, 19-year-old Patricia Ann Columbo 
was found guilty of murdering her en- 
tire family in conspiracy with her 39- 
year-old boyfriend. For 15 years in max- 
imum secu. Patricia remained silent. 
The story she now tells Howard is a 
shocker, as she admits to trading sexual 
favors with alleged hit men in exchange 
for the murder of her parents. But Patri- 
cia claims that her domineering, para- 


34 noiac boyfriend ultimately did the shoot- 


Road to Wellvile: gastrically correct. 


Two winners from 
Т. Coraghessan Boyle 
and Donald E. Westlake. 


ing. Although Howard sorts through a 
tangle of sordid evidence without reach 
ing any conclusion, his rep trou- 
bling look at the frailty of the justice 
system. 

This month a disparate trio of novels 
also arrives on the shelves: a caper novel 
spun from the headlines, a posthumous 
gift from one of science fiction's deans 
and a zany coming-of-age saga. Since 
The Hot Rock and Bank Shot, we've 
thought of John Archibald Dortmunder 
as the funniest criminal in the literary 
docket. In his eighth outing, Don't Ask 
(Mysterious Press), by Donald E. West- 
lake, Dortmunder proves that there is 
no caper too bizarre for him and his 
gang of bunglers. This ume he tries to 
heist the bone of a saint who died 800 
years ago, a religious relic that becomes 
the point of contention between two 
small eastern European countries—Ser- 
govia and Votskojek. This is Dor 
munder at the height of his feloni 
incompetence in one of Westlake’s most 
ingenious capers. 

Shortly before his death last year, 
Isaac Asimov completed the seventh and 
final volume in his Foundation Series, 
which he began in 195] when he was 31 
years old. Forward the Foundation (Double- 
day) brings to a climax his epic about the 
fall of the Galactic Empire and the ori- 
gins of a new political and social order 
known as the Foundation. Inspired by 
Gibbons’ The Decline and Fall of the Roman. 
Empire, it evolves out of Asimov's pas- 


sionate concern for the preservation of 
human achievements in the face of chaos 
and barbarism. It is a touching and 
fitting final statement. 

In Robert Ward's The King of Cords 
(Pocket Books), Thomas Fallon, a suc- 
cessful middle-aged writer, goes back to 
his alma mater in Maryland to receive an 
honorary doctorate and finds himself 
lost in memories of a madcap youth 
spent on Baltimore’s Chateau Avenue 
under the spell of a con man named Je- 
remy Raines. With a cast of Sixties free 
spirits romping through wild adven- 
tures, young Tom learns about sex, liter- 
ature and living on the edge in a sweet, 
deftly written novel that reminds you of 
Сопгоу, Kesey and Salinger all at once. 


BOOK BAG 


Among the Dead (Morrow), by Michael 
Tolkin: Another winner from the author 
of The Player and cult film The Rapture. 
This one’s a black comedy of love and 
loss in L.A. 

Thing of Beauty: The Tragedy of Supermod- 
el Gia (Pocket), by Stephen Fried: This 
bleak biography of a beautiful young 
woman turned drug addict and AIDS 
victim is a chilling parable for our times. 

Approaching Zero: The Extraordinary Un- 
derworld of Hackers, Phreakers, Virus Writers 
and Keyboard Criminals (Random House), 
by Paul Mungo and Bryan Clough: 
Here's a report on the dark side of 
computer wizardry and cyberculture 
outlaws, 

The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said (Dou- 
bleday), by Ross and Kathryn Petras: 
1. Danforth Quayle is featured promi- 
nently in this cruel but funny Bartlett's 
Hall of Shame. 

Man Bites Town (St. Martin's Press), by 
Harry Shearer: From the best of his Los 
Angeles Times Magazine columns, the 
provocative satirist takes on network 
news anchors, the Material Girl and 
celebrity confessions. 

les Paul (Morrow), by Mary Alice 
Shaughnessy: The rags-to-riches story of 
the guitarist known as the Thomas Fdi- 
son of rock and roll. 

The Great American Idea Book (W. W. 
Norton), by Bob Coleman and Deborah 
Neville: How to turn a great idea into 
profitable success. 

The Lip (Morrow), by Gerald Eskenazi: 
The first major biography of Leo Du- 
rocher, the brash baseball legend whose 
2010 wins influenced a generation of 
fans and managers. 

The Weekend Athlete’s Injury Guide 
(Berkley), by Mitch Kaplan: The empha- 
sis in this handy reference book is on 
basic first-aid techniques—rest, ісе, com- 
pression, elevation—to ease the pain. 


m 
am E 
+ 


Аз compelling as the land that inspired it. As natural as the man who wears it. 


qlo Cologne for men. 


Де at chain stores = | 


Introducing New Right Guard” Sport Stick. 
A time-release formula for longer lasting odor protection. 
Two new defenses: Spice and Unscented. 

In bold new Wide Sticks. Your move. 


Anything less would be uncivilized. 


51993 The Gillette Company 


MANTRACK 


a guy's guide to changing times 


WHEN WOMEN CRY 


When women turn on the waterwork: 
most formidable self-defense. Men are trained to assume that 
they and they alone are responsible for this breaking of the 
feminine spirit. And sometimes it's true. So how do we deal 
with all the emotional moisture? Most women will agree that 
the worst thing you can do is to "shhhh" them when they're 
- The advice 

heard is to 
hold the gushing 
woman in your arms 
and let her have a 
good cry, murmur- 
ing periodically that 
no matter what hap- 
pens, this will pass, 
she is safe and ev- 
erything's all right. 
It makes sense to 
us—most of the 
time. But when a 
woman chooses the 
middle of an ar- 
gument to weep 
unconuollably, it's 
hard not to suspect a bit of conscious or unconscious manipu- 
lation. What to do then? Simple. Look her straight in her 
pufly, bleary, blubbery eyes and say in a calm but firm voice, 
“Please don't change the subject. 


they present their 


NEW BREWS 


Is the last bastion of manliness finally crumbling? The num- 
ber of beer-drinking women is climbing—it's now about 20 per- 
cent of total beer drinkers—and brewers see the chance to tap 
into a new market. First, they're altering their commercials to 
target women. Television advertisements with young men 
ogling attractive young women are already disappearing from 
the airwaves. Next, the brewers plan to unleash “beer cool- 
fruit-flavored beers meant to win over сусп hard-core 
becraphobic women. It won't be long before you'll hear your 
girlfriend ordering a papaya-Havored pilsener—on the rocks. 


MADE MEMBERS 


thing a man will tolerate 


THE COMPETITION HEATS UP 


Did the so-called backlash that Susan 
Faludi wrote about really hinder women's 
ascent in the workplace? Not if you look 
at the figures. Economists report that 
women actually made substantial finan- 
cial gains during the Eighties. In fact, 
women now make 70 cents for each 
dollar that men make, up from 
around 60 cents іп 1980. That's a 
phenomenal jump, roughly equal 
to the increase between 1890 and 


1 
1980. Younger women, aged 25 to Ж 
34, do even better. They make 84 % |, 
cenis for every dollar а man does. 
Although women still face problems 
in the work force, rescarchers say 92% 


they'll continue to gain as the есопо- 
my improves. Women today are ca- 
reer-conscious and better educated, en- 
abling them to leave behind the jobs 
that historically attracted them—teach- 
ing, nursing, etc—and enter the high- 
paying fields once dominated by men. 


( 


YOUNGER THAN SPRINGTIME, 
OLDER THAN CLINTON 


Fourteen of the following people 
older than the president of the Uni 
Can you guess who they are? 

(1) Neil Young, (2) Farrah Fawcett, (8) O. J. 
Simpson. (4) Cher, (5) Sylvester Stallone, (6) 
David Letterman, (7) Steven Spielberg, (8) 
Nolan Ryan, (9) Tom Brokaw, (10) Goldie A 
Hawn, (11) Mia Farrow, (12) Lorne 
Michaels, (13) Pete Townshend, (14) Connie Chung, 
(15) Tom Seaver, (16) Linda Ronstadt, (17) Susan Saran- 
don, (18) David Bowie, (19) Geraldo Rivera, (20) Stephen 
King, (21) Jane Pauley, (22) Candice Bergen, (23) John Den- 
ver, (24) Arnold Schwarzenegger, (25) Whoopi Goldberg 

ANSWERS: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17, 19, 22, 23 


re now 
'd States 


THE ONE-MINUTE BOOK EXCERPT 


But that may 
ic surgery for th 


there are two experimental opcrations for 
g the penis: One adds length; the other, thickness. 
In one operation, a plastic surgeon or urologist re- 
move: 
jects it underneath the skin on the shaft of the pei 
Since the head cannot be enlarged, the maximum 
boost nch to one inch in 
additional circumference. Increasing length is a bit 
kn g the suspensory ligament allows the 
penis to fall away from the body, revealing thr 
ighths of an inch to two inches of muscle that fo 
merly resided inside the body. However, the angle of 

rection is reduc rizontal. 

Dr. F. Douglas Whitehead, the director of the As- 
sociation for Male | Dysfunction, criticizes the 
operations. “The risks of bleeding or of cutting the 
nerves in the area that have to do with penile sensa- 
tion,” he says, "are too big for a cosmetic surg 


“The women's movement has effectively encouraged women to 
contact and express rage. Men, on the other hand, are often told 
their anger is dangerous. We are encouraged by spiritual teachers 
and women to repress, give up or somehow transform it, without 
expressing it. 

“We are angry: some at our fathers, some at our mothers, some 
at others, both close and distant. Mostly we are pissed off about the 
double standards our society holds for men. When unexpressed, 
this feeling gets internalized, and repetitive patterns of self-abuse 
emerge. 

“Men's anger, when it finally does emerge, is often expressed vi- 
olently. This has given anger a bad name. Another way it develops 
is in the self-destructive, self-hating behaviors. When a system 
doesn't have a means for ridding itself of stresses a little at a time, 
they build up to the point of blowing it apart. So we have a fear of 
our anger. This fear is exacerbated in feminized males, who often 
repress anger out of deference to women, who they believe are 
more entitled to be enraged.” 

—Fkom Knights Without Armor, BY AARON KIP 


15, PH.D. 


37 


38 


FREAK CHIC 


Freaks. Not since the old circus-geek acts has the average 
unmutilated guy been so obsessed with the bizarre: Howard 
Stern’s Fartman, bald women, nipple rings and, of course, the 


Jim Rose Circus Sideshow, which was the hottest live act on 


the Lollapalooza 790 
tour. Who cared about 
the Red Hot Chili Pep- 
pers when you could 
watch Amazing Mr. 
Lifto hoist cinder blocks 
attached to rings in his 
ples? Hollywood cer- 
tainly knows a solid 
trend when it secs onc. 
That's why this year 
we'll have Randy Quaid 
in Hideous Mutant Fr 
Uma Thurman sporting 
a pair of giant thumbs in 
Even Ce ds Get the 
Blues and Sherilyn Fenn 
playing a human torso 
cared lor by her boy- 
friend іп Boxing Helena. 
Why freaks and why 
now? Katherine Dunn, 
author of the best-sell- 
ing novel Geek Love, 
connects freakophiles to 
the booms 
jumping, 
tattooing. * 


that secks to give you a vi 
fear, revulsion or d 
ative side we have family values and religion, and on the lib- 
eral side we have political correctness. Where do people who 


just want to be tree fit in?” 


LIP SERVICE 


"There's no such thing asa man . . 
a man's body.” 


justa little boy wearing 
ELVIS PRESLEY 


“Now that women can support themselves, we don't have to 
care about the size ofa man’s wallet. We care about the size of 
— DR JOYCE BROTHERS 


“Never forget that Los Angeles is where Cher and Madon- 
na can't find a boyfriend." — PRODUCER LYNDA OBST 


“I will not bond. I will not share, I refuse to nurture.” 
— COMEDIAN DENIS LEARY 


"гуе been very reluctant to domesucate myself. I don't 
know И it’s a man's real nature. I think once we move into а 
houschold, we enter a female universe. There are people who 
simply must protect themselves from the implications of do- 
mestic merging.” —LEONARD GOHEN 


WHERE DO YOU STAND ON RACE RELATIONS, BASEBALL AND PRESIDENT CLINTON? 
CALL THE MANTRACK SURVEY LINE TODAY “Er 


‘This month, the PLAYBOY Mantrack Survey Line wants to know 
what you think about race relations, baseball and Bill Clinton. То 
take part in the Mantrack poll, call 900-896-8722—the cost is only 
75 cents per minute—and rLarsor Playmates will tell you how to 
register your opinion. Remember: You must be 18 years old or 
older and use a touch-tone phone. The average length of each call 
is three minutes. рілувоу operates the Mantrack Survey Line as a 
service to our readers—the price is low to give you an easy, inex- 
pensive way to sound off. Look for poll results in upcoming issues. 

Here are some of the questions that you'll be answering when 
you call: 


“BASEBALL | 


(1) Who is the best manager in baseball? The Blue Jays’ Cito 
Gaston, the Braves' Bobby Cox, the Athletics’ Tony La Russa or 
the Pirates’ Jim Leyland? 

(2) Who is the biggest ballpark hot dog? Is it Barry Bonds 
standing at the plate admiring one of his homers? Or Dennis Eck- 
ersley “shooting” his strikeout victims with his finger? How about 
Rickey Henderson saying, "Lam the greatest"? Or is it Deion San- 
ders flying by helicopter from a football game to a Braves play-off? 

(3) Who is baseball's best talking head? Joe Morgan, Peter Gam- 
mons or Tim McCarver? Or could it be someone named Сағау- 
asin Harry, Skip or € 


(4) What's the best baseball movie? Bang the Drum Slowly, Bull 
Durham, A League of Their Own or Pride of the Yankees? 


RACE RELATIONS 


nbers of another 


(1) Do you have any close friends who are m 
race? 

(2) How would you describe the state of race relations in the 
United States? Is it worse than it used to be? Better? Or is it pret- 
ty much the same as always? 

(8) Have you ever been discriminated against because of your 
race? 

(4) Do you fear being the victim of violence from a member of 
another race? 

(5) Who do you think speaks for the majority of African Ameri- 
cans in 1993? Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell, Maxine Waters or Al 
Sharpton? 


PRESIDENT CLINTON | 


(1) The pundits arc doi 's your turn to give Bill CI 
ton a report card. How would you grade his performance as pres- 
ident so far? 


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MANTRACK 


Radio call-ins are the worst, especi 
drive time. Commuters sit gridlocked in traffic, 
their only way out by cellular phone to the local 
radio show. Some callers practically foam at the mouth, saying 
I deserve to die and my kind makes them want to puke. Us 
ally, Гуе been talking about the skyrocketing rates of teen su 
cide, a third of which involve gays and lesbians. Or I'm de- 
scribing the tyranny of the closet, the stunting of the heart by 
cruel stereotypes. " Excuse me," I said to the caller in Houston, 
“Do I make you want to puke because I'm gay or because I 
have AIDS?" 

It's not a meaningful distinction to your weed-variety homo- 
phobe. Over my desk hangs а 
picture ofa young woman whose 
wet T-shirt reads: THANK GOD FOR 
atbs. Such hatred pours across 
the airwaves daily from preach- 
ers wringing their hands over 
the sins of Sodom, Their dia- 
tribes rarely mention lesbians. To 
them it is a fight unto death 
between two breeds of men—the 
“real” ones and the “sick” ones. 

Where do they come by this 
virulence? Is it an inherent code 
of pumped-up self-regard passed 
from dugout and locker room to 
cover a straight man's fear of be- 
ing misperceived as queer? Is ita 
primal fear of being penetrated? 
A Seattle boy called in once, so 
cocksure at the age of 11, and 
asked with disdain, “Why would 
anyone want to be gay?” All he 
thought he needed was to score 
with a girl and his sexual issues 
would be eternally resolved. “In 
ten or fifteen years,” I promised 
him, “you will grapple as hard as 
anyone, gay or straight, with 
problems of intimacy”—the life- 
long struggle to somehow inte- 
grate fuck and love. 

As for wanting to be gay, every 
young man who knows that he's “different” has already inter- 
nalized society's ugly message, Gay kids become locked in a 
self-hatred that renders them meek, apologetic and invisible— 
their only safety the prison walls of their secret. 

115 crucial to understand the difference between homopho- 
bia and what I call homo-ignorance. There's much more of the 
latter, especially as gay and lesbian issues have surfaced more 
prominently in the news. Instinctively, people of goodwill re- 
jected the paranoid philippic delivered in Houston by Pat 
Buchanan—a walking hate crime all by himself. 

A straight friend of mine considers himself completely un- 
homophobic, he's that secure in his own manhood. Yet, when 
pinned down, he'll admit that the tactics of Queer Nation and 
Act Up make him, well, uncomfortable. 
how the ts want him to feel. Even 
ing feelings about the guerril- 


1ness, labeled an enemy of my own peo- 
. prosperous and published. But I also 
feel juiced to have been part of the FDA takeover action in 


ly during GUEST OPINION 
BY PAUL MONETTE 


CAN GAYS AND STRAIGHTS BE FRIENDS? 


Paul Monette, author of “Becoming a Man: Half a Life Story, 
40 the National Book Award іп 1992. 


won 


1988 demanding the release of AIDS drugs. Our 
movement is only a generation old, and we've 
done it almost entirely without role models. Har- 
vey Milk was our Martin Luther King, but history texts have 
erased him. I studied Whitman at Yale for two years without 
hearing a mention of his homosexuality. Let alone Eleanor 
Roosevelt’s. Or J. Edgar Hoover's. 

It’s easy to stay ignorant if gay never speaks its name. We 
need our straight to understand the nature of our strug- 
gle. It used to be said that a faggot was a homosexual gentle- 
man who had just left the room. That can cease if enough het- 
eros speak up and say “That’s not funny” to fag jokes. Our 
families raise us the best they 
can, but it’s a rare man who 
reaches adulthood without some 
legacy of racism, sexism and 
homophobia. We must confront 
these demons in ourselves, toler- 
ance being the minimum goal of 
self-examination. 

There's this thing that many 
straight men have about being 
on the team, one of the guys. 
This is the argument of the mili- 
tary brass who want to keep us 
out. What they really want is for 
us to continue hiding and lying. 
While the Joint Chiefs of Staff 
deliberate the earth-shattering 
problem of queers taking show- 
ers with straight men, the Armed 
Forces drown in sexual-harass- 
ment cover-ups. And the only 
thing they can offer by way of 
sensitivity training is "Don't bend 
over to pick up the soap.” 

I don't want to do it with a 
straight man any more than I 
want to “indoctrinate” his sons. 1 
have no problem with straight 
men's sexuality, unless it harms 
or belittles women. I experience 
none of the homophobe's obses- 
sion with what others do in bed. 
That's a sexual compulsion all its own, as if gay or lesbian had 
only carnal meaning. I think what disorients straight men to- 
day is how happy and fulfilled many gay lives are. We're sup- 
posed to be miserable, after all. 

We all have closets to come out of. Gay isn't the enemy of 
straight. Heterosexual men have told me for years that, since 
college, they have no male friends to talk with. The emotional 
isolation caused by fear of intimacy is indifferent to sexual ori- 
entation. We're not boys anymore, trapped in the insecurities 
of the schoolyard. Our common enemy is ignorance, a sex- 
phobic bitterness and name-calling purveyed by those who 
are jealous of the joy of others because they have none of 
their own. 

Nothing is more important to me than the freedom of being 
“out.” I won't live to see 50, yet not even that can take away the 
happiness of having lived my life for real. Of course, you must 
realize you are in a closet before you can open the door. As gay 
and straight men, we can help one another over the great di- 
vide. We make terrific friends, we queers, perhaps because we 
have traveled so far to reach the free country of the heart. 
All men deserve to live there. 


Photos depict the replica— 
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‚Shawn smaller than actual size. 
Replica measures 9" in length. 


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1993 MEL 
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Please accept my Reservation Application for the 
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42 


МЕМ 


І "m not sure that we ever grow up, 
any of us, men or women. It seems to 
me that boys will always be boys and girls 
will always be girls—and never the twain 
shall meet 

It also seems to me that adult behavior 
s often nothing more than childlike be- 
havior performed on a larger scale. For 
example, here is a partial transcript of a 
conversation 1 had a few weeks ago with 
a woman who called me after we had ap- 
peared together on a TV show: 


SHE: That's OK 


ме: 1 was going to call you 
SHE: Oh, sure. 

ме: No, really, was. 

she: I'm so sure. 

ME: I promise. Swear to God. 
suis: 1 don't believe you. 


That brilliant dialog went on for sever- 
al minutes. Lam surprised that one of us 
didn't say “Nanny nanny boo-boo" or 
something of similar eloquence. As is so 
frequently the case, we teased each other 
like children, grown-ups in chronology 
but kids in speech. And I think that is. 
how our so-called adult relationships of- 
ten work. 

As I look back on my life, I see pat- 
terns of male-female behavior that were 
established early and did not change. 

For example, I was a precocious little 
fucker as a child, and by the time I was 
six, I had met my first true love. Her 
name was Cindy. She was a year or two 
older than I, and she had beautiful red 
hair and a libertine sense of sexual play. 
indy taught me much about the fc. 
male body, a lifetime’s worth of lessons in 
less than a year: She displayed herself for 
me, made certain requests of me, and I 
am here to tell you that I fulfilled all 
those requests as best I could 

Cindy was also interested in my body 
and I hope that wherever she is now she 
remembers me with pleasure. But much 
of what we said and did in our harmless 
childish explorations has been reflected 
in my later life, dialog included. 

Given the increased conflict between 
men and women over the past few dec- 
ades, I am also here to report that Cindy 
prepared me for my role as PLAYBOY's 
Men columnist. Because Cindy taught 
me—and since then, hundreds of 
women have reinforced this lesson with 
vigor and dispatch—that girls believe 


By ASA BABER 


LIFEIS A 
SANDBOX 


without question that they should make 
all the rules. 

Come on, admit it, That is what has 
been going on in these discussions about 
sexual politics. Girls believe they should. 
make the rules and, out of fear of rejec- 
tion, we usually let them. 

I learned that powerful social dynam- 
ic many ycars ago in a sandbo: 

There was a park on Chicago's South 
Side called Farmer's Field. That may 
sound bucolic and gentle, but it was a 
city park, not well-tended, mostly cin- 
t. Butit was where we young- 
sters sometimes gathered, so yours truly, 
Ace the Base, took his toy soldiers down. 
с one day to pla 

"That was my first mistake. 

According to Cindy and her girl- 
friends, soldiers were not allowed in the 
sandbox. Dolls were OK, and kitchen 
utensils and buckets and shovels and pie 
pans. But not soldiers. 

“You can't use those,” Cindy said. 

“Yeah, you can’t use those,” her 
friends said, nodding. 

“Really?” I asked, much in the same 
quizzical tone of voice that I use now 
when one woman or another tells me 
that I'm wrong. 

"If you're going to use those, you have 
to go over there,” Cindy said, pointing to 
the far corner of the sandbox, making it 


dear that her order was akin to being 
banished to Siberia. 

“Really?” I asked again. 

“Really,” all the girls said. They looked 
quite self-assured and self-satisfied, and 
they went back to their pie baking and 
bucket filling as if the issue were closed 

1 stood there and thought about it 
(which shows how dumb I was and how 
dumb I am, because I am still standing 
around thinking about it), I was con- 
fused because I saw nothing wrong with 
my toys and I saw no reason why I 
should not be allowed to play in the 
space where I was standing. At the same 
time, I wanted Cindy’s approval and 1 
didn’t want to look like a fool in front of 
her girlfriends. 

But something more primitive was go- 
ing on in my mind. Even at that early 
age, I had one hell ofa time obeying ran- 
dom and unexplained orders. 

Call it my wild Irish heritage, call it a 
form of madness. The fact is that I react- 
ed then as I react now to arbitrary exclu- 
siveness. The maverick in me took over, 
and I sat down right where I was. 

“I already told you that you can't do 
that here,” Cindy said. 

“I'm doing it," 1 said. I was building a 
dune for my toy soldiers to die on. 

“Go over there!” Cindy ordered. 

“No!” I said. 

There was a great cluttering among 
the girls. Then T lost my first true love. 

"You're a poopy-ass doo-doo shit- 
bird!" Cindy shouted. 

“No, you're a poopy-ass doo-doo shit- 
bird!” I shouted back. 

We exchanged that sentiment in ex- 
actly those words several times. 

Such a moment! There was a sharp 
intake of feminine breath, a collective 
turning of backs, an ice-cold rejection of 
a miserable boy-creature who probably 
did not deserve to live, let alone be spo- 
ken to or smiled at ever again. 

I stayed and played, but it was not an 
easy choice. Because I understood that I 
had lost Cindy in the bargain. 

Little did I know that I was in training. 
for the big leagues—the gender wars— 
and that the sandbox was just the first of 
many combat zones in which 1 would 
find myself as an adult. 

Азап adult? I'm not sure that we ever 
grow up, any of us, men or women. 


You should stop Smoking completely before 
using NICOTROL. Do not smoke or use other. 
nicotine-containing products while under 


product, like cigarettes, contains nicotine, 
you should discuss with your doctor other 
Ways to quit smoking if you are pregnant or. 
nursing (nicotine can harm your baby) or if 
уои have cardiovascular disease.. If you are 
taking ann een Ho medications or are 
under а doctor's care for any condition, you 
should discuss with yaur doctor the potential 
risks of using this product. - There тау be 
other risks associated with the use of this 
product, Do not use this product for more 
йлап 5 continuous months. 


If you’ve fallen behind 
on your resolution to quit... 
po c 


1| INFORMATION HOTLINE: 1-800-284:8118. N 
treatment with NICOTROL. Because this. |. Aly 
` From Parke-Davis 


ЭЭУ NICOTROL 
(NICOTINE TRANSDERMAL SYSTEM) 


ahead with 
не help of 


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NICOTROL is part of a comprehensive 
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developed to be worn only during waking hours 
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Available by prescription only, NICOTROL is indicated 
as an aid to smoking cessation for the relief of nicotine. 
withdrawal symptoms \ 


ЕВЕЕ 


A complimentary 


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available with every new. 

NICOTROL prescription. : 

Ask your doctor if NICOTROL N 

is right for you. VAN 


| 
” A Systemic delivery.of 1ma/day over 16 пош 


Please see adjacbnt page for additional 
important information. 
1993 Warnar-Lambart Company 


PD-113-JA-8483,A1(013). 
310035 


From Parke-Davis as part ola comprehensive 
behavioral smoking cessation program 


NICOTROL 


(NICOTINE TRANSDERMAL SYSTEM) 
Systemic delivery of 15mg/day over 16 hours 


Dosing and administration 
Apply one NICOTROL patch upon awakening and remove at bedtime 


Start: NICOTROL* 15 mg/day 
Step-down: 10 ma/day 
Step-down: 5 mg/day 


*The recommended dosage is 12 weeks (8-2-2). 


For more information, call 1-800-284-8118 


Nicolo" (nconetarstermá system) 


itor (core transdermal system) 


of 15, 10, ori over 16 hours. Before ribing. please see full prescribing inturmalion. 
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апак ty smoking cessabor forthe rele of nicotine wîra: 75 Nicolo! heapy is recommended ler useas pat ol a com- 
pretense Dehanora тото cessation program The use 01! i Sys beyord 5 months nas ral been studed. CONTRA- 
INDICATIONS Use of Nicotrol systems is contrandicaed in patients wth known fypersensibty or allergy to nicole orto any. 
‚component c! соно rarsdermal systems WARNINGS Nicotine rom any source can de toxic and addicive Smokng causes. 
lungcance: heart dezase, emphysema andmay aec the fetusand ће pregrant woman, For any smokes with or witout 
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May Require a Deereat in Doseat 

Cessation ot Smoking 

Aceuerineghen clone, торага, oxazepam, 
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коен subcutarenusinsun abeopten wi smoking cessator. 
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Recommended Desing Schedule. A 
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Manulacured ty Cygnus Therapeutic Syste lor Rab Pharmacia Sweden Ded ty 
PARKE-DAVIS 


Division of Warrer-Lambert Company 
Morris Plains, NJ 07950 USA 


WOMEN 


don't pretend to be a soothsayer, but 
1 know what the big self-help wave of 
Nineties will be about. 

We are all suddenly going to remem- 
ber that we, too, are animals. That we 
used to have these wild instincts that had. 
nothing to do with television or Stair 
Masters. That these instincts still lie dor- 
mant within us, and if we want to lead 
lives that have meaning, we must find 
our animal selves, the part of us still con- 
nected to the earth. 

How do I know this? Because it’s true 
and because it's already starting. 

Haven't most of us become tree-hug- 
gers? Hasn't the idea that the earth is оп 
a straight sure path to destruction trav- 
eled deep into our mass consciousness? 
Don't we all have towers of old news- 
papers in our hallways that we will take 
to the recycling center someday really 
soon? Have we not gone back to cloth 
diapers, or do we not feel guilty every 
time we buy Huggies? Have we not elect- 
ed Al Gore? 

And hasn't the animal hts move- 
ment become so big that it scares the old 
establishment to the point where that 
dowager duchess of a TV show, 60 Min- 
ules, feels compelled to take a stand? 
(There was a militar і who, if I 
have it right, was cutting up cats to study 
head wounds. Many animal lovers were 
rather upset. And 60 Minutes implied 
they had no right to be. I hope its ratings 
plunge into hell.) 

A major player in this back-to-nature 
motifis the wolf. He used tobea big, bad 
guy. Now he wears a white hat. Now we 
decry ranchers who shoot wolves. The 
wolf is a symbol of freedom, instinct, 
wildness. The wolf is cur new superstar. 
We had Dances with Wolves, now we һауе 
Women Who Run with the Wolves, a book by 
Clarissa Pinkola Estés, which has been at 
the top of the best-seller lists for weeks. 

Every woman 1 know has bought this 
book. The title cried out to our secret 
longing: ү secretary, every waitress, 
every dry-cleaning clerk in the world is 
dying to chew up her steno pad or re- 
ceipt book, grow a tail and fangs, and 
make a run for it. We want to go wild, 
have fantastic adventures, lick our geni- 
tals and howl. When the boss asks us to 
bring him coffee, we want to snarl and 
go for his throat. 

Unfortunately, it’s kind of a lame 
book. An Iron John for women—a hodge- 


th 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


NETWORKING 
WITH WOLVES 


podge of myths, symbolism and preach- 
ing. You 
break out of your stultifying Ше, and the 
author tells you to stop whining and 
break out of your stultifying life. Just do 
it, she says. And when „How? 
How? Oh, please, how?" she trots out a 
pretty tale about Jungian archetypes. 
Her only tangible advice is to get your 
hands muddy wheneyer possible. 

I was so disappointed. I wanted blood, 
guts, sex. I wanted to scramble around 
at the bottom of my reptilian brain. I got 
clichéd poetry and prissiness. The chap- 
ter on sex was the worst. It was the short- 


est chapter in the book and was entirely 
about how a dirty joke, when told by a 
politically correct mythological goddess, 
can have healing powers. There was one 
about a runaway penis. Don't ask. 

Come on, Clarissa 


nkola Estés. 
iest chapter? 
Isn't the biggest problem facing men 
and women the fact that our instincts are 


buried under centuries of civilized 
morality, under a crushing weight of 
neurosis and guilt? We have no idea how 


we feel about one another, or even how 
to speak to one another without growing 
hostile. Don't we need to bring those 
buried instincts into the light? Wolves 
are monogamous and mutually support- 
ive—tell us about that. 


OK, maybe disappointment has made 
me harsh. There are some good mo- 
ments. Her words are moving when it 
comes to bodies. “We tend to think of 
body as this “other” Many people treat 
their bodies as if the body were a slave. 


Perhaps they even treat it well but de- 
mand it follow their wishes and whims as 
though it were a slave nonetheless," she 


says. “Do we wish to spend a lifetime al- 
lowing others to detract from our bod- 
ies, judge them, find them wanting?” 

No, we don't! Throughout their lives, 
women try to pummel their bodies into 
some phantom ideal shape that exists 
only with a lot of shing. If we 
could just exhale, let ourselves be fat or 
thin and stop implanting and liposuck- 
g, we'd begin to feel free, sexy, alive. (1 
don't blame men for this. Men seem to 
go for us no matter what size and shape 
we are. I blame capitalism. No, reall 
The consumer must constantly be in a 
state of anxious low self-esteem so that 
she will constantly buy lipsticks and gir- 
dies to make her feel cuter.) 

I also learned something about rela- 
tionships. Estés says that when you start 
notiing imperfections im your mate, 
when every cell in your body tells you to 
run away, that's when you should stay. I 
like this. She also talks about how many 
men are wounded, hate themselves for it 
and deny that it is true. Such a man 
looks outside himself for something to 
heal him, but nothing ever does. The 
only things that will save him are admi 
ting and having compassion for his 
wounded state. 

"This sounds right to me. If men could 
stop hating themselves and holding in 
their pain, maybe they would stop being 
so rigid and judgmental and unhappy. 
Maybe they would like women better. 

But these insights are not enough for 
more than 400 pages of rambling, Wom- 
en Who Run with the Wolves is a best- 
seller only because of its killer title. 

Uve learned a hell ofa lot more about 
why we do what we do by reading dog 
books: Dominant and submissive behav- 
iors, pack psychology, eye contact, te 

sm, sexual jealousy, it's all there. 

Last night I dreamed that 1 was chas- 
ing a pack of wolves, trying to belong. 
They looked back at me and asked, 
"Who is that and why is she wearing. 


panty hose? 


45 


THE STOLAR SYSTEM. 


пш) EL 
‘FD HNO BOTTLED INTHEUSS FCR V: 
SIERT MOSCOW ШУ 00% ERAN METI. 


S r co LC I 


THE RUSSIAN PHENOMENON. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Orc of my lovers has introduced me to 
edible technique—we call it 


a 
echoes. He strokes шу clitoris with a cer- 


tain rhythm while fondling some other 
part of my body with the same rhythm. 
Whatever area he touches becomes as 
sensitive as my clitoris. It’s like having 
two erogenous zones singing harmony. 
Have you heard of this technique?—]. P, 
Chicago. Illinois. 

Dr Bob Schwartz mentions something 
called "connections" in "The One-Hour Or- 
gasm: A New Approach to Achieving Maxi- 
mum Sexual Pleasure.” You can practice the 
technique during masturbation: “At зоте 
point, apply Vaseline to another place on 
‘your body, such as your breast. Begin lo lease 
this part of your body by stroking the oulside 
edge of the area using wide circles. Move 
slowly toward the nipple or center. Once you 
reach the center, the nipple should be very 
excited and turned оп. Rub that area with 
similar pressure and movement as you are 
rubbing on your clitoris. Try to set up some 
hind of intercommunication between the two 
arcas. Take your hand off one place and sce 
if you can feel an echo in the other. [Ed. note: 
Perhaps your lover read this passage.] Keep 
switching back and forth. It is possible to 
connect any two areas of your body using this 
technique. Once you get an area turned on 
and connected, sce if you can bring yourself 
to the edge of an orgasm using only the sec- 
ondary area. Do this connecting exercise us- 
ing as many parts of your body as is pleasur- 
able for you. You might try the middle toc of 
your lefi or right foot, your upper lip, your 
earlobe, the inside of your elbow or thigh and 
also the arch of your foot.” Try working 
yourself to a series of peaks—stopping just 
this side of orgasm. When you finally let 
yourself go, you should experience a more 
intense rush. Then try the same technique on 
your lover: 


Were taking our camcorder with us 
on a trip around the world. Will it s 
е dozens of airport X-ray scanne: 
Do you have any recommendations to 
ensure that we will return home with a 
working camcorder? В. W., St. Louis, 
Missouri. 

Your camcorder will survive X-ray scan- 
ners better than the see-through brains who 
operate the scanners. X rays cause no dam- 
age lo camcorders or tapes. For maximum 
safety, be sure to turn off the camcorder's 
power. Tapes are susceptible to strong mag- 
netic fields, but it’s unlikely you'll experience 
a harmfully powerful field while traveling. 
Also, keep the batteries charged. The airport 
security agent may ask you to turn on the 
camcorder to prove that’s what it is. If no 
picture appears in the viewfinder, the agent 
has the right to disassemble your toy or refuse 
passage. If you want to return home with 


your camcorder, always keep it on your per- 
son while on the go. Never pack it in luggage 
or set it down in public. Permanently attach 
your name, address and phone number to it. 

If it gets lost, an honest person can turn it 
over to the authorities. Consider placing the 
camcorder in the hotel safe when you're not 
using it. Before traveling overseas, register 
your camcorder with U.S. Customs at your 
departure airport. This records the serial 
number and offers some proof of ownership. 


My husband and 1 enjoy a very good 
sex life with one exception. During oral 
sex he comes too much. He ejaculates in 
such large quantities that 1 can't swallow 
without choking. I feel like I'm cheating 
him of the pleasure he desires. We've 
tried many things, but nothing seems to 
work. Any suggestions?—]. B., Charles- 
ton, South Carolina. 

Make fellatio the second act of the 
evening. Few men can ejaculate copiously 
during their second climax of а sexual en- 
counter. If this is impractical, just be honest 
with your husband. Let him know that you 
want to please him but you can’t handle the 
volume. The solution may be as simple as 
keeping tissues near the bed to accommodate 
what you cannot. 


Жі the birth books say it's fine to have 
sex throughout pregnancy, but they d 
agree on when it's OK to resume it after 
the birth, We've seen everything from 
one week to three months. What do you 
say2—D. Е, New Hyde Park, New York. 
We say you must be expecting your first 
child. Couples with children know that get- 
ting back to regular sex can take quite a 
while—and not because of medical consider- 
ations. Until the baby sleeps through the 


ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO 


night, most new parents feel 50 exhausted 
that when they see а bed (or sofa or chair), 
all they can think of is sleep. Most infants 
sleep through the night, more or less, by 12 
weeks, which is probably where your three- 

month figure comes from. Medically speak- 
ing, Creighton University obstetrician-gyne- 
cologist Richard Perkins says sex can resume 
two to three weeks after an uncomplicated 
vaginal birth. If the woman has an episioto- 
my—surgical enlargement of the vagina— 
she may need additional time to heal. And if 
the birth is a cesarean section—major abdom- 
inal surgery—you may have to wait longer 
But in our experience, sex resumes as soon as 
the new parents can muster the energy. 


Can 1 negotiate for a new car at an 
auto dealership, get the lowest price pos- 
le and then turn that contract into a 
lease?—E. G., Atlanta, Georgia. 

Basically, any auto lease price is nego- 
tiable. You are simply paying for the amount 
of time you use the lease car, not for the car 
itself. Once the value of the transaction (the 
price of the car, dealer profit, interest, etc.) is 
computed and the residual (the amount the 
car is worth at the end of lhe lcase) is decid- 
ed, any car dealer can write you a lease. But 
be advised: If you do plan lo lease the car af- 
ter negotiating а low price as though you 
were planning to buy it outright, the deal 
may change somewhat. That’s because the 
dealer must now factor in such considera- 
lions as interest, down payment, residual 
value and his or her profil over a longer pe- 
riod of time. Lower monthly payments de- 
pend on whether or not you pay any money 
down (that's called a capital cost reduction 
payment), how much you actually deposit on 
the car and the length of time you plan to 
lease it. All these factors affect the cars val- 
we at lease end, Remember: Before you strike 
your oum deal, be sure to check if there's cur- 
rently a factory-authorized lease program 
that would be less expensive than anything 
you can negotiate. 


Pye seen photos of nipple jewel 
women wearing chains from breast to 
breast, or rings through cach nipple— 
that are a major turn-on. 1 
likes the look but doesn't want to do 
anything as permanent or as painful as 
piercing. Is there a safe alternativer— 
D. Е., Dallas, Texas. 

Check your local erotic boutique. There 
are several creations that use adjustable 
loops. A woman can tighten an elastic band 
around an erect nipple and then suspend 
something eye-calching—feathers, tassels, 
chains, or silver balls that knock against 
each other, sending constant stimulation 
back to the breast. Erotic jewelry is closing 
the gap on lingerie. We've even seen elegant 
clitoral clips—they look like paper clips but 


47 


surround the hood of the clitoris. Just the 
thing for those lazy days around the house. 


М, EM radio reception has the timbre 
of a chain saw. Local stations sound dis- 
torted. There'sa distant station I like but 
have difficulty receiving. Any help in 
stopping this massacre would Бе appre- 
ciated.—R. W., Springfield, Illinois. 

ЕМ distortion is the audio equivalent of 
TV ghosts. Assuming your radio or receiver 
is working properly, you can bust these FM 
ghosts using an amazing invention: an an- 
tenna. Am inadequate or poorly aimed 
antenna causes most FM reception problems. 
The North American method of stereo broad- 
casting leaves the FM signal notoriously vul- 
nerable to poor reception. Unless you liue in 
an ideal location, the piece of spaghetti that 
came with your radio works as well as а wet 
noodle. Install an outdoor antenna. A direc- 
tional model with a rotor that can be aimed. 
at the desired station (such as that distant 
jazz station) works wonders. Many TV an- 
tennas work for FM, and they will also im- 
prove your local TV reception. If an outdoor 
antenna is impossible, get a decent set of 
rabbit сат» and experiment with placement. 
In a steel-and-concrete building, try locating 
it near a window, but not more than a few 
Тегі from your radio. Extend the cars about 
31 to 33 inches. Don't fall for those fancy 
stylish indoor antennas promising miracles, 
or those tiny frauds that nestle out of sight 
behinl your receiver. Calling а séance would 
subdue more ghosts than these pseudo-high- 
tech mediums. 


PLAYBOY 


Have you ever heard of a ball stretch- 
er? A guy at work says that itis like a cock 
ring, except that it's worn around the 
testicles.—F. W., New York, New York. 

Uptown Toys and Treasures, the catalog 
for Romantasy (199 Moulton Street, San 
Francisco, California 94123), lists a combi- 
nation cock ring aud ball stretcher (it looks 
like two leather bracelets connected) with this 
explanation: “While many people are famil- 
iar with the benefits of a cock ring (men may 
experience sustained erections once the ring 
is snugly applied), the effects of a ball stretch- 
er are less well-known. This combination in 
black leather snaps first against the base of 
the body with the cock and balls pushed for- 
ward. The testicles then are pulled down- 
ward while the stretcher is snapped around 
that skin area, The stretcher does not allow 
the balls to elevate, thus creating a delicious 
pressure or tension during sexual play.” If 
you want to duplicate the sensation, have 
your lover tug on your testicles as she would 
the strap оп a subway. Or you сап use one 
half of a pair of handcuffs. Eat your heart 
out, Madonna. 


F recently started dating someone from 
work and we made love for the first time 
ав а few days ago. During foreplay, short- 


ly after I slid my finger into her, she 
touched my hand and said it wasn't very 
stimulating because I was just going back 
and forth. I tried to move around ran- 
domly, but it was hard to concentrate 
and I again found myself going to and 
fro, Can you suggest an uncomplicated 
way to keep my lover well-stirred2— 
1. K., Miami, Florida. 

Try lightly tracing the alphabet. Then do 
it backward. 


Recently my wife asked me to fuck her 
while she was blindiolded. I did, and she 
said it was lantastic. Now she wants me 
to make a special request, but I'm reluc- 
tant. Can't we do it the regular way?— 
H. С., Bonnie Doone, North Carolina. 

Sure, and you can also eat vanilla ice 
cream for the rest of your life. Many a sexu- 
al sage has remarked that lovemaking in- 
volves two elements, friction and fantasy. 
Friction has physical limits, but fantasy is 
limitless. Your wife sounds like a lot of fun. 
Loosen up. Using a blindfold deprives your 
wife of her visual sense, thereby accentuating 
touch and sound. It allows tension to build 
between touches—she won't know where the 
next sensation will come from. You can 
watch a ball game with the sound turned 
down, and she'll never know. 


Is it correct to measure your erection 
from where the penis connects to the 
body or where the balls attach, which 
seems to be longer? My girlfriend asked 
to measure mine during foreplay the 
other night, but without a ruler she had 
to use the hand-over-hand method. She 
said she was joking, but I'm curious — 
Т. У, Lexington, Kentucky. 

Measure from the top. That way you can 
see the ruler. If you suspect it really does mat- 
ter to her, measure from the bottom. 


The airline regulations for changing 
tickets and/or flights are more Byzantine 
than the IRS's rules. How can I get 
around all the restrictions?—T. P, New 
York, New York. 

As of this writing, the airlines remain 
slightly more compassionate than the IRS, 
but they are concerned about goodwill and 
public relations. If the telephone reservations 
agent stonewalls you, ask for a supervisor: 
If that leads nowhere, ask for the customer- 
service telephone number at corporate head- 
quarters. After ten minutes on hold, you 
often can speak with someone who performs 
miracles. You had better have a good story. If 
you're a member of the airline's frequent- 
flier program, all the better. When all else 
fails, gate agents at ihe airport have a sur- 
ng amount of discretion. Bone up on 
your Method acting. A good story, such as 
your kid having chicken pox or your lover 
just being released from the penitentiary, 
might persuade the agent to bend the rules. 


Most airlines would rather have you fly than 
switch. If all efforts result in unbending hos- 
choose a different airline the next time 
you travel. 


For years I have had a great erotic fan- 
tasy about fabulous threesomes with the 
two stepsisters who used to live across 
the street from me when | was growing 
up. But the fantasy just docsn't do it for 
me anymore. I read somewhere that as 
men age, they lose their ability to get 
hard from fantasy alone. But I'm only 
31. Am I over the —Р. A., Omaha, 
Nebraska. 

No, but it sounds like that fantasy is. It's 
possible that at 31 you're losing some of the 
physiological ability to raise an erection by 
fantasy alone. But that usually happens an- 
other decade ог so down the road. It's more 
likely that you've simply worn out the fanta- 
sy possibilities with your two former neigh- 
bors. Use some imagination. Who lives 
across the street now? Fantasize about her. 
Вейет yet—ask her oul. Have you seen any 
MTV lately? Or checked out Greta Scacchi 
in Robert Altman’s film “The Player”? The 
world abounds with fabulous women who 
could fill your fantasies—and raise your 
flag. Out with the old. In with the new. 


During a recent date, it became clear 
that the evening would end in bed. This 
was nota problem. However, finding out 
where my date had been was. It’s not 
that I want to know who my potential 
lover has slept with or any of the gory 
details, but with AIDS, it seems neces- 
sary to know whether or not that person 
has engaged in sexual behavior of Wilt 
Chamberlain-like proportions. Is there 
an appropriate time to ask a date about 
her sexual history?—D. S., Nashville, 
Tennessee. 

Yes—before you become part of it. Recog- 
тіге the true issue: What do you really learn 
by crass-examining someone about his or her 
sex life? Are you looking for assurance that 
you won't get a disease? The only way to 
know that is through testing. Are you trying 
to depict yourself as being responsible simply 
by expressing your concern? From what we 
hear, this moment has become part of a new 
courtship vitual—like observing someone's 
table manners or how they handle their 
liquor—1hat passes for sophistication or dis- 
crimination. All it really shows is how to 
handle anxiety. Conversation won't cut й. 
Use a condom. 


All reasonable questions—fiom fashion, 
food and drink, метео and sports cars to dat- 
ing problems, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all 
letters to The Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. The most provocative, pertinent. 
queries will be presented on these. pages 
each month. 

El 


TH E P L A Y B O Y 


FORUM 


E — -— EU E 


о 


JUSTICE 


who altered john rabun's letter to judith reisman? 


Dr. Judith Reisman is the ultimate 
renaissance woman: a former song- 
writer for Captain Kangaroo turned 
antiporn propagandist, a gay-bashing 
agent provocateur turned art critic. 
What a piece of work is Judith. Just 
when we thought we knew every- 
thing about her, a Freedom of Infor- 
mation Act inquiry turned up a gem 

Remember that Dr. Reisman came 

to fame as the researcher most be- 
loved by the religious right. During 
the Reagan era she received a grant 
to study images of children 
in PLAYBOY, Penthouse and Hus- 
Ше. The Justice Department 
shelved the results (you can 
view the final draft in a seclud- 
ed reading room). The study 
became the laughingstock of 
Washington. Not surprisingly, 
an Execulive Summary was most 
readily available from the 
American Family Association 
for $2. Reisman, you may re- 
call, reported that PLAYBoy 
used cut-and-paste photo- 
montage techniques to attach 
the heads of 20-year-olds to 
the bodies of 16-year-olds, and 
vice versa. Someone was famil- 
iar with cut-and-paste forgery: 
It wasn't PLAYBOY. The Summa- 
ту included a copy of a letter 
praising Reisman from John 
Rabun, Jr, deputy director of 
the National Center for Miss- 
ing & Exploited Children. 
(The Center, identified as a 
group that “could almost be a 
parody of a public interest 
group” by The New Republic in 
1988, is the source of the myth 
that a million kids disappear 
every year.) 

It seems that someone had tried to 
prop up the credibility of Reisman's 
report by doctoring the Center's let- 
terhead to imply endorsement by the 
Justice Department. PLAYBOY law- 
yers noticed the falsification, and in 
1992 we notified the Justice Depart- 
ment. PLAyBoy’s Freedom of Informa- 
tion Act request uncovered the Jus- 
tice Department's response. On July 
14, 1999, Walter W. Barbee, general 
attorney of the office of general coun- 


sel of the Justice Department, wrote 
Reisman: 

“It has come to our attention that 
two documents are apparently being 
circulated that indicate your study, as 
discussed іп a document entitled Im- 
ages of Children, Crime and Violence in 
Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler Maga- 
zines, has been endorsed by the De- 
partment of Justice. However, as you 
know, the Department of Justice has 
not endorsed these studies. 

“Given this fact, these two docu- 


NATIONAL 
CENTER FOR 


U.S. Department of Justice 


Judith A. Reisman, Ph.D., President 
Тһе Institute for Media Education 
Р.0. Box 7404 

Arlington, VA 22207 


Dear Dr. Reisman: 


ments clearly 

distort the depart- 

ment's position and ap- 

pear to constitute an active misrepre- 
sentation of fact. 

"The first document is a copy of. 
a letter dated March 24, 1988, ad- 
dressed to you from the deputy direc- 
tor of the National Center for Missing 
& Exploited Children. The letter ap- 
pears to be written on the Center's 
letterhead. However, the letterhead 
has been altered by inserting beneath 
the organization's name the term U.S. 
Department of Justice. As you can see 


from a copy of the original letter, 
attached hereto, the Center's letter- 
head does not contain the term U.S. 
Department of Justice. In fact, from 
examining the original leer, it ap- 
pears as though this letter had been 
retyped. Clearly, the change to the 
Center's letterhead implies that the 
National Center for Missing & Ех- 
ploited Childrenis a component ofthe 
U.S. Department of Justice. It is not. 
“Moreover, on or about May 24, 
1988, you were notified by the Cen- 
ter's [name deleted] that he 
considered this alteration to 
the Center's letter to Бе in- 
accurate, inappropriate and 
misleading, as well as a gross 
misrepresentation of the facts. 
We understand further that 
he requested that you delete 
any reference to the U.S. Dc- 
partment of Justice and rc- 
frain from publishing the let- 

ter as a whole. 

“Additionally, a second doc- 
ument, the Executive Summary 
of Images of Children, Crime and 
Violence in Playboy, Penthouse 
and Hustler Magazines, is also 
misleading. The Executive 
Summary contains a reproduc- 
tion of the letter referred to 
above. In the contents, this 
document lists a ‘Letter from 
John В. Rabun, Jr, deputy di- 
rector, National Center for 

Missing & Exploited Children, 
U.S. Department of Justice.’ 
Again, this represents the Center as 
being a part of the Department of Jus- 
tice, when, in fact, itis not.” 
Reisman's attorney responded on 
August 4, 1992: “Unfortunately, your 
office has been misled, perhaps by 
those eager to see Dr. Reisman and 
her work discredited, and I would 
like to clarify the points raised in your 
letter. The Executive Summary you re- 
fer to was not published by Dr. Reis- 
man but by the American Family 
Association. That organization be- 
lieved that the National Center for 
Missing & Exploited Children was 
affiliated with the Department of 
Justice and altered the March 24, 
1988, letter (concluded on page 56) 


50 


BUFF BLUFF 

Currently only two states 
have laws against nudity in 
public places: New York and 
Indiana. Bill Skaggs, a legisla- 
tor from Northland, Missouri, 
would add Missouri to the list, 
with an unusually draconian 
penalty: up to ten years in jail. 
‘The usual suspects are behind 
the bill: the religious right and 
naysaying neo-feminists. They 
have combined their prurient 
interests to form an orga- 
nization called the Coalition 
Against Pornography. 

You've done some fine pieces 
on the insidious effects of cen- 
sorship, particularly “Catha- 
rine MacKinnon: Again” (The 
Playboy Forum, August). Many of 
the points in that article apply 
to the lunacy of criminalizing 
public nudity. My days of fre- 
quenting striptease joints are 
long past, but I continue to be 
fascinated by the nudity taboo 
and its influence on American 
sodiery. Plainly, the Missouri ini- 
Чайус amounts 10 censorship. 

David L. Bitters 
Shawnee Mission, Kansas 


INTERNAL REPAIRS. 
Many thanks for your artide 
on mandatory sentencing ("A 
Criminal System of Justice,” 


FOR THE RECORD 


WALL SALE 


(The Playboy Forum, December). 
For more than 50 years I plead- 
ей with Catholic authorities 
for compassion, understanding 
and help in dealing with prob- 
lems caused by physical and 
sexual abuse at the hands of 
priests, brothers and пип. 
Wherever I turned for help, I 
found the church was not re- 
sponsible or accountable to the 
victims of such molestation. 
"Things are changing now, but 
for all Catholics 
admitüng that 
sins against children happened, 
and may happen again, under 
the blanket of secrecy and cler- 
gy privilege. My only fear is 
that, lacking the courage, the 
church and shocked Catholics 
will once again sweep the prob- 
lem under the rug. 

Lou Torok 

West Liberty, Kentucky 


PERSPECTIVE 

As your magazine has point- 
ed c in the = not Ale 
nists oppose female eroticism. 
At the 1992 conference for the 
New York State chapter of 
the National Organization for 
Women, member Karen Weis- 
berg stormed out of a work- 
shop on pornography. She 
accused the presenters of dan- 


The Playboy Forum, September). Artist Mike McNeilly, who likes to dramatize is- | gerous behavior in their sup- 
As many voices as possible | Sues big, hung this 50-foor-high banner on the | port for government censor- 
should protest such a judicial side of the PLAYBOY building in West Hollywood, ship of publications such as 
travesty. To that end, the most California to symbolize art attacking AIDS. 


PLAYBOY. Weisberg stressed that 


important criminal-justice bill 
of the year vas introduced in 
Congress the day before it adjourned. 
In October of last year, representatives 
Don Edwards (D-Cal.) and Ed Jenkins 
(D-Ga.) introduced а bill to abolish all 
mandatory minimum sentences. Ed- 
wards and Jenkins summed up their 
argument against mandatory mini- 
mums by stating that the policy is cre- 
ating huge numbers of new prisoners 
that an already overburdened system 
cannot accommodate. The introduc- 
tion of a bill is a giant step toward vic- 
tory. It is the first time in five years that 
any member of Congress has dared to 
state that mandatory minimums aren't 
working and called for an end to them 
There is no guarantee that the bill will 
pass, so we must keep up the pressure 
at each step of the legislative process. 


Write to your legislators about manda- 
tory sentencing and let them know that 
you expect them to pay attention to the 
bill. We need everybody 's help to make 
this law. It is the most direct route to 
freedom available to people serving 


Families Against 
Mandatory Minimums 


AGENDAS 
Тһе Catholic Church has survived 
nearly 2000 years of reformations and 
inquisitions, covert sinfulness and 
overt piety. Similarly, it will survive the 
current sexual-abuse crisis noted in 
your article “When the Church Sins” 


eventually the same federal 
watchdog may be just as eager 
to turn on feminist and homosexual 
groups. Why hasn't this dawned оп 
the Dworkin-MacKinnon guerrilla bri- 
gade? On the basis of Weisberg's en- 
lightened outrage, there's hope for 
feminists. 

Joel Howard Roth 
Yonkers, New York 


BAD CONNECTION 

Since Magic Johnson announced his 
HIV infection in 1991, calls to AIDS 
hotlines have increased tenfold. More 
than 450 regional and national hotlines 
field thousands of inquiries. But a 
recent study conducted by Dr. John 
Baxter and Dr. Steven Gluckman of 
New Jersey's Cooper Hospital revealed 
alarming rates of misinformation 


and inconsistent responses to basic 
queries. There are no standardized re- 
sponses among the various agencies 
dispensing information, and the guide- 
lines of the Centers for Disease Control 
аге largely ignored in favor of convey- 
ing personal opinion rather than med- 
ical fact. Baxter and Gluckman urge 
that state and federal legislation set 
standards for training (the mostly vol- 
unteer) hotline workers. In the mean- 
time, caveat emptor. 

Linda Solomon 

Canoga Park, California 


Has a decade of AIDS changed sexu- 
al bchavior? Recent studies in Britain 
and France tracked patterns of con- 
dom use and number of partners. Re- 
searchers found that young people 
(ages 18 to 19) had the most wide- 
spread and consistent condom use. 
About 80 percent of young men and 48 
percent of young women used con- 
doms at least once in the past year. But 
the numbers меге lower for older par- 
ticipants. In the United States, studies 
done by the National AIDS Behavioral 
Surveys found that condom use was 
relatively low among those reporting 
HIV risk factors. Only 17 percent of 
those with multiple sex partners, 12.6 
percent of thosc with risky sex partners 
and 10.8 percent of untested transfu- 
sion recipients used condoms all the 
time. Overall in the U.S., researchers 
conduded that current HIV-preven- 
tion programs have reached hetero- 
sexuals with multiple sex partners but 
have failed to reach many other groups 
at high risk of HIV infection. Guess it's 
back to the drawing board. 

John Jacks 
New Rochelle, New York 


VIDEO VETO UPSET 

Before adjourning in 1992, Con- 
gress accomplished something it failed 
to do more than 30 times before: over- 
ride a veto by President Bush. Unfor- 
tunately, the law, the Cable Television 
Consumer Protection and Competition 
Act, will impose a variety of new con- 
tent restrictions on both public-access 
and leased-access cable programming. 
For the first time, local cable operators 
can ban materials that they believe con- 
tain “patently offensive" depictions of 
sexual conduct. Additionally, the ncw 
law requires the Federal Communica- 
tions Commission to segregate suppos- 
edly "indecent" programming to a sin- 


gle channel, which will be unavailable 
to viewers unless they request it. As a 
result, important and socially useful in- 
formation about sexuality and sexual 
politics, including AIDS education, will 
probably be banned. The new law also 
directs the FCC to ban from public- 
access channels, as well as those that 
carry educational or governmental 
programming, any shows containing 
"sexually explicit conduct, or material 
soliciting or promoting unlawful con- 
duct." As questionable as these restric- 
tions are on constitutional grounds, 
they are particularly troubling because 
they contradict the original purpose of 
access channcls—to provide a public 
“electronic forum” for citizens to cx- 
press themselves freely. The FCC is 
currently writing rules for implement- 
ing the new restrictions. The ACLU 
has joined with the Alliance for Com- 
munity Media, the Alliance for Com- 
munications Democracy and People 
for the American Way in filing a brief 
before the FCC that will argue that 
the new law is unconstitutional. The 


tive censorship laws. 


CENSORSHIP 


Japanese performance artist Barae's 
work captivates the viewer because of its 
confrontational use of nudity. By featur- 
ing frontal nudity in some of her perfor- 
mances, Borae is brecking a long-stand- 
ing Japanese taboo against exposing 
pubic hair. Recently, in response to her 
startling art, there has even been talk of 
rewriting some of Japan's more restric- 


groups will urge adoption of rules that 
are as respectful as possible of free 
expression. 
Marjorie Heins and Jon Cummings 
ACLU Arts Censorship Project 
New York, New York 


MINOR DETAILS 

A series of controversial Playboy Fo- 
rum articles questioned the govern- 
тепе approach to child porn (e.g., 
“The Myth of Kid Porn,” September 
1988). Last year the Supreme Court 
rapped the knuckles of the Postal Ser- 
vice for conducting sting operations on 
people ordering erotica. Now the 
judges of the United States Court of 
Appeals for the Ninth Circuit have said 
the basic law used in the sting is uncon- 
stitutional as it applies to distribution 
and/or receipt. This important ruling 
could mean dozens of overturned con- 
victions of people sentenced under the 
faulty law. What was once controversial 

has now become common sense. 
Hayes Richardson 
Washington, D.C. 


f 


51 


READER RESPONSE 


(continued) 


RUBBER STAMPS 
Those Damned filmmakers аге at it 
again (“Damned in the U.S.A,” The 
Playboy Forum, May 1992). Paul Yule and 
Jonathan Stack of Damned in the U.S.A. 
fame are developing Rubber Talk, a fea- 
turelength documentary about con- 
doms. Yule and Stack have started ге- 
searching archival material and have 
held casting calls for people willing to 
share personal condom stories. Just wait 
until Wildmon gets hold of this. 
Jesse North 
Herndon, Virginia 


PAT SCHROEDER 

Colorado Congresswoman Patricia 
Schroeder, a member of the House 
Armed Services Committee, has the mil- 
itary cowering in the wake of the Tail- 
hook scandal. It dare not do anything to 
displease Schroeder regarding the mili- 
tary's treatment of women. One of the 
things that displeases Schroeder is that 
Charles McDowell, an experienced Air 
Force criminal investigator, developed a 
subjective checklist for helping detec- 
tives evaluate the legitimacy of rape alle- 
gations when stories are inconsistent 
wich other evidence. McDowell believes 
that falsely accusing a man of rape is a 
crime as reprehensible as rape itselfand 
that the former happens about as often 
as the latter. McDowell's work is well-re- 
spected among law-enforcement special- 
ists and his methodology is already used 
by several local investigators. Neverthe- 
less, Schroeder, more experienced in 
ideological rhetoric than methodical 
criminal investigation, issued a letter to 
Defense Secretary Dick Cheney calling 
McDowell's work “idiotic.” Schroeder 
further speculated that the Pentagon's 
lack of a statistical tracking system for 
rape accusations really communicated 
that it “didn’t care.” When Schroeder's 
office was asked the questions "Are false 
allegations of rape a serious problem?" 
and "Ifyes, how should law enforcement 
go about distinguishing false allegations 
from legitimate ones?" there was no re- 
sponse. Docs this silence communicate 
that, until the Pentagon carcs, a false ac- 

cusation is better than none at all? 

Jack Kammer 

Pawtucket, Rhode Island 
There is a vast middle ground that exists be- 
tween rape and false accusations of rape. It is 
important that the burden of proof remain 
with the victim. But that is a far cry from 
blaming the victim. Recent studies do indicate 


The radical religious right has been born again, but now it's wield- 
ing ballots instead of Bibles. In response to the radical right's stealth 
campaign to take over school boards and county governments, the In- 
stitute for First Amendment Studies published Challenging the Christ- 
ian Right—The Activist's Handbook as a tool to help identify undercov- 
er conservatives. 

The institute is also compiling a nationwide religious-right data 
bank, which so far includes 1000 groups and 7000 religious-right ac- 
tivists. The handbook is available for $20 through The Institute for 
First Amendment Studies, P.O. Box 589, Great Barrington, Massachu- 
setts 01230, 413-274-3786. 

The Activist’s Handbook suggests that the following list of buzzwords 
and phrases typically found in Christian campaign literature and 
speeches should raise red flags among concerned voters everywhere: 


Moral absolutes cou: 


xn WELPEN 
i; Ап{ї-{ах 


and Godless humanism 
lic CHOICE IN 
EDUCATION 


E | T 1 
Fo. CON Pro-family 


Braye STAND 


OPPOSES — ON 


«x VATIVE at cont. e 
NATURAL 


LAW 


TOUGH NATURAL FAMILY 


MORAL 
ISSUES 


mh Sacred 
human 
rights 


ON 
CRIME 


INF. SEL *3W. 


SEA TE 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


SAN DIEGO—A superior court jury has 
awarded $300,000 to a couple unlauful- 
ly held for making obscene gestures at a 


police helicopter. The chopper flew in, hov- 
ered and shone a powerful searchlight on 
the couple while they barbecued in their 
backyard. To drive the copter off, the pair 
extended their middle fingers. Almost im- 
mediately, 15 police officers raided the 
property. The couple sued when no charges 
were filed. 


me аана 


SAN FRANCISCO—A press release from 
Consumer Action, a citizen watchdog 
group, warns that some 900 telephone 
numbers are defrauding their customers. 
“Despite highly suggestive titles and pic- 
tures of half-naked women in many ads,” 
the group says, the services provided only 

“tame, nonsexual conversation.” 


TEACHING TOOLS 


SYDNEY— The Washington Blade re- 
ports that the Australian Federation of 
AIDS Organizations is seeking donations 
of used dildos for use as teaching tools іп 
Thailand, Malaysia and other developing. 
countries. The safe-sex educators say using 
carrots, bananas or other phallic foods just 
doesn’t get the message across. 

ALBANY. NEW YORK—One source of dil- 
dos may be the office of the New York Di- 


vision of Youth, where someone decided 
to replace its teaching aids—plastic ba- 
nanas—with models of penises. But high- 
er-ups found out about the change and or- 
dered the realistic versions pul in storage. 


NEW YORK CITY—4 new national study 
from the Alan Guttmacher Institute re- 
vealed that sexually active adolescent girls 
with two or more sexual partners have іп- 
creased from 39 percent in the Seventies to 
62 percent as of 1988. Overall, the survey 
found that only one in five females insisted 
on condoms, and that condom use did 
not increase among females with multiple 
partners. These findings raised concerns 
тп the health-care community that people 
are still not taking the risk of disease 
seriously. 

WASHINGTON, D.C—Meanuhile, the 
world's largest condom distributor—the 
U.S. governmenl—will be passing out 
fewer rubbers to the 70-odd countries it 
services. Pakistan, fur instance, is losing 
its free condoms because of its aggressive 
nuclear program, which should teach that 
government a lesson. The U.S. is also 
phasing out the smaller-sized rubbers that 
were distributed as a matter of tradition, 
not physiology, in several Asian countries 


SAN FRANCISCO—AL the annual meet- 
ing of the American Academy of Religion, 
religious scholars offered some revisionist 
thought on sexuality. Scott Haldeman of 
the Union Theological Seminary told a 
men's studies seminar: “Masturbation . . . 
is a spiritual practice for me, а way to ex- 
press my yearning for love and life.” At 
ап earlier seminar, Ari Mielke of Lees Col- 
lege in Jackson, Kentucky also urged a 
more open discussion of what some call 
"self-pleasuring,” especially in connection 
with sexually explicit materials. “If Chris- 
tianity is to speak to men about the holistic 
possibilities of sex,” Mielke told members of 
the academy, “it cannot afford to drive 
them into hypocritical silence about the 
fantasies that shape their sexual desires.” 


Emel 21”) 


SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA—Newly re- 
leased military records indicate that a 
woman in the Army is 50 percent more 


likely to be raped than her civilian coun- 
terpart. Women's rights advocates say that 
this finding by the Army, and the conspicu- 
ous silence of the other branches of service, 
calls for a complete accounting of sexual 
assaults in the armed services. They assert 
that a woman should be at lower risk in the 
more controlled environment of military 
life than in society at large. 


SAN FRANCISCO—Having the last laugh 
on his ex-wife’s computer may cost a dis- 
gruntled man a bundle. The Sonoma 
County Sheriff's Department charged the 
divorced man with three felony counts of 
introducing а computer contaminant, af- 
ler he sent his former spouse a computer 
disk as a cure for her computer problem. 
Instead, it introduced a virus that replaced 
$8000 worth of software and manuscripts 
with one vengeful limerick. 


BANGKOK—This city, known for its va- 
riety of available sex, has discovered a new 
twist. Bangkok police say that some local 
transvestite prostitutes are knocking out 
their customers with a powerful tranquil- 


izer smeared on their nipples. Two men 
who were robbed claimed they had been 
drugged, and one arrested suspect admit- 
ted that he had employed the specially 
treated nipples when the intended victim 
was a nondrinker. 


54 


Images flicker оп а TV set: Intense 
white light floods ап alley, scrapes 
across the brick walls. It leaves a daz- 
zling sheen on the wet city strect. Film- 
makers use this kind of light to indicate 
the supernatural, the land beyond the 
end ofthe map. Thisis the realm ofthe 
mystic and the magical. 

А physically sculpted man presses 
a voluptuous woman against one of the 
brick walls. He pulls her short, red knit 
dress down from her breasts, 
up over her hips. What the 
light doesn't touch, his hands, 
mouth and penis caress. 

Across the alley, a tall wom- 
an holds a man spellbound, 
one hand on his penis. She 
idly strokes it into erection as 
she watches the other couple. 
Shadows of the four dance 
crazily on the pavement. 

The light from this scene 
fills a bedroom somewhere in 
America. A man’s hand search- 
es a woman's body, looking for 
the place where the images be- 
come arousal. She reaches for his penis 
and strokes it with the same offhand at- 
tention as the woman on the screen. 
‘The man and the woman gaze from 
the screen to each other and back, their 
breaths quickening. 

The man enters her from the rear, 
growling as a panther appears on the 
screen. She grunts a sound she never 
makes when dressed. Now the shadows 
dancing crazily are this couple’s. The 
gruff, compelling movements are 
theirs and the driving need for intensi- 
ty theirs, too. Their sex now has the 
rough feel of brick, the tension of the 
alley and the growl of the wild cat. 
None of these sensations was pres- 
ent before the couple, who felt a casual 
sexual interest but no urgent drive, 
pushed the VCR's play button. 

This scenario is replayed in as many 
as 50 million American homes each 
year. This is how real people experi- 
ence porn. 

Now, imagine two lab coat-clad sci- 
entists bursting into the room. They 
ask the lovers to sit оп a jury in а mock 
rape trial, to complete a questionnaire 


that probes their “callousness toward 
women.” Worse, imagine a crowd of 
lawyers and right-wing moralists barg- 
ing in to allege that the woman is a vic- 
tim of the porn video. 

These two scenarios masquerading 
as scientific inquiry tell us nothing 
about sex or porn in real life. Oddly 
enough, even liberals who defend porn 
by arguing that, because sex is natural, 
images of sex are natural miss the 


a sex therapist talks about 


trived come shots of porn videos, one 
thing remains: sex. The experience 
usually starts with lush bodies, but 
that’s just the scenery. The people in 
these bodies are enthusiastic: They 
seem deeply touched by an erection, a 
perfect ass, a teaspoon of come—things 
that society says don’t touch anyone 
that deeply. 

Іп X-rated videos, по one says 
“stop,” "not now,” "I'm afraid," “I 


Mull 


point. Nothing that comes with an FBI 
warning is natural. An X-rated movie 
is a key to a door into a sexually en- 
hanced realm. 

Porn helps real people, alone or with 
one another, get hot and get off. For 
this, porn is damned and its users are 
smeared. And people who know noth- 
ing about sex—pcople afraid of sex— 
have constructed frightening tales to 
explain why. Those stories tell us only 
about the fear and nothing about the 
eroticism. 

. 


“What do I like about watching ex- 
plicit videos?” a curly-haired mother 
standing in linc at a video store asks 
rhetorically. “I like that they make my 
husband so hot that he gets into all of 
sex, not just fucking. Frankly, I get into 
it, too. I also like that how I look isn't 
such a big deal. The important thing is 
that I'm really into it, which Lam.” 


After you criticize the weak plots, the 
predictable camera angles and the соп- 


can't” or “call back next Friday.” No 
one needs a reason to have sex—the 
characters in porn videos break into 
sex the way characters іп musicals 
break into song. There's little plot 
justficaion—the desire is simply to 
please the audience. 

This is different from most people's 
sexual experiences yet very close to 
their sexual fantasies. It's а vision of 
sex not as a source of tension or as 
an object of barter or as something 
spooncd out as a favor— but as a source 
of pleasure, arousal, response. It's a vi- 
sion of sex basic to life. 

It's more complex, though, because 
it isn't simply sex—it's available sex. 
Sex so bountiful that genitalia are in- 
terchangeable. In this world, people 
get enough sex and pleasure, no mat- 
ter who they are or who they are 
with or where they are. 


"Sure, videos are a great fantasy” 
says Julio, a member ofa San Francisco 
men's group. "What I really like about 


viewing porn 


these women is their attitudes. When 
you look at these ladies, you know two 
things: Тһеуте proud of their bodies 
and they love sex.” 


In adult life, there is a boundary be- 
tween everyday reality and the hyper- 
reality of an erotic encounter. Crossing 
from the everyday into the erotic ex- 


By MARTY KLEIN 


you, it's OK. That takes a lot more guts 
than most people admit.” 

Plugging in an X-rated video de- 
dares your willingness to experiment, 
to open your mind to other ideas, your 
body to other energies. The actors are 
doing seriously sexual things, some un- 
usual, some rare and inexplicable, but 
all compelling for the enthusiasm 
brought to bear. 

Videos are also a safe way to broach 


pands possibilities and offers access to 
the sexual current below the surface of 
the commonplace. Videos can tap that 
sexual current. When your lover re- 
turns from the store with a copy of 
House of Dreams, it’s an announce- 
ment: She (or he) intends to feel sex- 
ual, to desire you, her partner, and 
find satisfaction. She's saying that sex 
is a world worth creating and taking 
seriously. 

Including videos in your sex life 
borrows sexual energy from the 
actors on-screen. You become, like 
Native Americans who would ceremo- 
niously don bearskins to draw on the 
bear spirit, yourself and someone else, 
something greater. 


“Watching erotic videos can be an in- 
vitation to our sexuality—no, to the 
planet's sexuality—to take over the rest 
of us,” says David Steinberg, editor of 
The Erotic Impulse: Honoring the Sensual 
Self. “You have to be willing to trust 
that, wherever that sexual energy leads 


the unmentionable. When used posi- 
tively, videos provide an uninhibited 
model, a sexual menu, for a hesitant 
partner who needs help pushing away 
self-consciousness. 

Want to discover a partner's sexual 
thoughts? Give her the remote control. 
Does she fast-forward through the 
woman-woman scenes? Does she skip 
the attempts at plot or character devel- 
opment? Are you both embarrassed by 
the dialog, or does it draw you in? 
Some couples develop favorite 
fuck scenes they enjoy over the 
years—an erotic version of 
“They're playing our song." 

Do you have a dependable 
scene that always makes you say, 
“Now that’s what I call sex"? How 
could you not share it with a part- 
ner? And who in good consciente 
could call this communication de- 
grading or coercive? Charges that 
videos dehumanize women typ- 
ically come from people—men 
and women—who cannot imagine 
women as lustful sexual beings. 


“I guess we use videos the way we 
used to smoke grass," says an accoun- 
tant. His girlfriend agrees and says, 
"It's an easy way to help us enter an- 
other world, a sexy world we feel we 
belong in but usually drift away from 
during the workweek." 

“Its a world we feel comfortable in," 
the man says, “опе we sort of wish we 
lived in. But, hey, a visit is better than 
nothing at all." 

. 


Whether the video images represent 
what most viewers literally want is be- 
side the point. Most men don't want to 
be in Westerns, but they enjoy feeling 
like cowboys. Similarly, many women 
may want to feel and act lustfully with 
their partner without the inhibition of 
guilt. For many women in America's 
sexually repressive culture, simply ac- 
knowledging their sexual desire vith- 
Out shame is a huge breakthrough. 
‘The act of asking for a minute of head 
from a lover can be, for some women, 


56 


the equivalent of a porn actress 
spreading her legs for a stranger. 
Both are acknowledgments of sexual 
desire. 

. 


“I was a late bloomer,” recalls опе 
of my male patients. “I didn't have 
sex until I was 21, though I thought 
about it a lot. When I was a senior in 
college, I saw a porn video and it 
blew my mind. I thought, I'm not 
crazy after all. Thesc things Гус 

agined are real. My sexual intu- 
ion has some reality to someone 
else. Гтп not hallucinating.” 


Watching porn star Deidra Hol- 
land, one envisions sexual bounty 
and concentrated energy. Videos cap- 
ture a world of erotic 
intensity on which lit- 
Ше intrudes or dis- 
tracts. This is the erot- 
іс realm as viewers 
imagine and want it to 
be. Videos embody 
the lust we imagine 
we would feel given 
the right opportunity. 
"They capture an ex- 
perience that polite 
society tells us doesn't 
exist. And that even 
if it did exist, we 
shouldn't want it. 


"Most of my fans 
have climaxed with 
me hundreds of times, 
so of course they're 
attached to me,” says 
veteran porn actress 
Nina Hartley. "My fans are part of a 
community. Videos such as mine tell 
them that they aren't alone, at least 
not sexually. Consciously or not, they 
know that millions of presumably 
normal people enjoy what they en- 
joy. This is valuable for people who 
are isolated by or self-critical about 
their sexuality." 


Ultimately, X-rated videos raise 
questions about what is and isn't sex. 
Does it matter if the desire we take to 
our partner comes from pictures? Is 
arousal better defined as a biological 
event or as heightened conscious- 
ness? If two people give their full 
attention, it isn't hard to create a 
temporary world that contains on- 


ly sexuality. It makes you won- 
der, though: What other experience, 
what transcendence, is possible when 
you address sexuality with full atten- 
tion? Imagine that you're committed 
to an evening of lust, with video stars 
Ashlyn Gere and Joey Silvera your 
ready servants. What are you, your 
partner, Ashlyn and Joey doing? 

You're disappearing. You're focus- 
ing so deeply on a single aspect 
of existence—sex—that the world 
melts away. But don't stop. Now the 
boundaries defining self are melting. 
Whose skin is that, hers or yours? 
Whose mouth? 

With the self gone, sex is pure 
meditation, pure ecstasy. The porn 
video has long since been left be- 
d, along with everything that 


seemed real an hour ago. Only ener- 


8y is real now, and the energy of the 
moment is sexual. You can have it, 
glide on it, riff on it as long as you 
need, as long as you like. 

Your parmer? Nice 10 have there, 
nice to trust. Maybe you love each 
other, maybe not. You do love your- 
self, you love the planet, you love the 
God who gave you hands and a 
mouth and a brain that enable you to 
exclude the world and create it again 
with only a single element—sexuality. 

The video isn't necessary, but it is a 
point of focus, a mantra. In a world 
of chaotic thought and emotion, it is 
exquisitely dependable. The video 
connects us with ourselves. For bet- 
ter or worse—and one's judgment of 
that tells it all—the X-rated video is 
nota love story, it’s a sexual fantasy. 


NO JUSTICE 


(continued from page 49) 


to that effect. When Dr. Reisman dis- 
covered this error, she requested that 
the AFA cease distribution of the Exec- 
utive Summary containing the altered 
letter. The AFA complied with Dr. Reis- 
man's request, destroying all remain- 
ing copies that had not already been 
distributed at considerable expense to 


themselves.” 
. 


Here, then, is the chronology as 
PLAYBOY knows it: 

1988: Judith Reisman is on the AFA 
dole; the АҒА publishes her Executive 
Summary. 

May 1988: The National Center for 
Missing & Exploited Children com- 
plains to Reisman about the doctored 
letterhead. 

June 1989: Reisman is still listed on 
the АҒА“ tax returns. 

October 1989: Reisman gives her 
title as the AFA's associate director of 
research. 

April 1990: Reisman responds to 
Rabun and says that aftcr the altcration 
was discovered, she asked the AFA to 
correct the flawed document. 

July 1990: The AFA begins market- 
ing the full report. 

March 1992: The АҒА in Connecti- 
cut is still distributing the Executive 
Summary, complete with the altered 
letrerhead. 

July 1992: The Justice Department 
complains. 

October 1992: The Justice Depart- 
ment accepts Reisman's explanation. 

Yeah, sure, one right-wing organiza- 
tion “believed” that another right-wing 
organization was part of the Justice De- 
partment, Reagan and Bush actively 
encouraged the right to believe they 
were junior G-men. This is the 
result: True believers continue to pass 
along copies of the original lie. When 
the real feds warned Reisman about 
doctoring letterheads to imply that the 
Justice Department sanctioned her 
work, she pointed a finger at the Rev- 
erend Don Wildmon's AFA despite her 
close association with the group. 

When PLAYBOY contacted the AFA 
for a response to Judith's buck-passing, 
an AFA staffer said the group's leaders 
were unavailable for comment—for- 
ever. So who forged the letterhead? 


LL FIND THE HIDDEN PLEASURE. | 


2 
PS. It can break the ice. 


амын u era vo 


ONE PART SUNSET. ONE PART SEAGRAM'S GIN. 


YES, YOU 


"WHEN 
IM 
CLOSE 
TOA 
GUY, 
THE WAY 
HE 
SMELLS 
IS 
IMPORTANT. 
IT 
REALLY 
IS." 


© 1982 Certer-Wallace, lnc. 


E 
ARRID 


In Regulnr. Fresh and Splce Scents 


GET XTRA XTRA PROTECTION AGAINST ODOR 
WITH NEW ARRID XX CLEAR DEODORANT. 
GET A LITTLE CLOSER” 


Reporter's Notebook 


GREED ALONG THE POTOMAC 


clinton’s elitist fat-cat cabinet looks more 
committed to personal gain than social change 


Bill Clinton has me worried. 1 all but 
endorsed the man in this space because I 
thought he had some heart for serious 
change. I would be less than honest if I 
didn't admit to being disappointed. 
years of the Republicans" 

г g the economy for the benefit 
of rich special interests, 1 had hoped a 
Democrat would show us a better way. 
It's far from over, and 1 would love to 
have my premonitions proved wrong. 
But there is already a taint on this ad- 
ministration reminiscent of Jimmy Car- 
ter's failure of populist purpose. 

From it; ериоп, this administration 
has played with the symbols rather than 
the substance of change. Is а familiar 
wick— public brouhaha about some divi- 
sive social issue such as abortion rights 
or gays in the military, while behind the 
scenes the fat-cat lawyers take care of the 
vested interests. 

Clinton, who campaigned as a pop- 
ulist committed to breaking the hold of 
the powerful, has surrounded himself 
with corporate-law hustlers who stand 
for litle beyond career advancement 
and accumulation of wealth. Zoé Baird— 
who couldn't find the spare change to af- 
ford legal child care from the half mil- 
lion bucks that Aetna Life & Casualty 
paid her, or from her $2.3 million in as- 
typical of this new crowd. 
Clinton may pork out at McDonald's, 
but what kind of populism is it that se- 
Тесік wealthy lawyers to fill 13 of the top 
18 spots in an administration? The most 
prominent black in this cabinet, Secre- 
tary of Commerce Ron Brown, who also 
skipped paying Social Security taxes for 
his domestic help, made a career out of 
Beltway lobbying. His Washington, D.C. 
law firm's prime constituency of corpo- 
rate clients is rich and. white (with the 
glaring exception of the Haitian govern- 
ment during the repressive regime of 
Jean-Claude “Baby Doc" Duvalier). Last 
ycar Brown's firm paid him $580,000, 
even though he was mostly off chairing 
the Democratic Party, for which he got 
$89,000. His partners must have figured 
Brown's salary would be a good invest- 
ment in the future. 

Business, too, knew a pal when it saw 
one. Some of the largest Japanese and 
American corporations underwrote the 
John E Kennedy Center for the Per- 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


forming Arts for a "Friends of Ron 
Brown" party to honor the new com- 
merce secretary 1l days after his con- 
firmation hearing. It is a measure of the 
man that he saw nothing wrong with he- 
ing feted by the business interests that 
would most likely have issues decided by 
his department. Only after the story 
broke in the Los Angeles Times and a fuss 
ensued did Brown cancel the bash on or- 
ders from his boss. 

Brown should have no trouble getüng 
along with Treasury Secretary Lloyd 
Bentsen, widely known as "Loophole 
Lloyd" for his dedicated skill as a long- 
time senator from Texas in getting tax 
brcaks for the oil-and-gas interests of his 
state. He reports assets of $5.6 million on 
isclosure form. Education Secr: 
Richard Riley did better ata reported in- 
come of at least $568,000. 

As a candidate, ton warned about 
this society's deepening class divisions 
brought on by the get-rich mania of the 
Eighties. But his appointees are largely 
drawn from the ranks of those who 
pigged out during the Reagan and Bush 
years. The Wall Street Journal, in a front- 
page story, summarized the sorry situa- 
tion perfectly, tagging the new cabinet "a 
new elite people who studied at the best 
universities, who largely escaped the war 
of their generation and, in many cases, 
who struck it rich in the decade they now 
often criticize.” 

Maybe Clinton and his advisors had 
grown so out of touch with ordinary 
Americans that they couldn't grasp this 
class factor—the growing resentment of 
most Americans for the rich. It was bad 
enough that Zoé Baird broke the law— 
what fueled hostility was the audacity of 
a multimillionaire trying to convince us 
she was just like any other working mom 
in search of child care. 

Take the case of Robert Rubin, new 
head of the National Economic Council 
and one of the most egregious of the 
nouveau go-go richniks, whom Clinton 
appointed to be his point man on eco- 
nomic change. Apparently not everyone 
who went to school in the Sixties was 
preparing, as Clinton and Gore claim 
they were, to improve the world. Ru- 
bin parlayed his Harvard and Yale Law 
education into a career as a specialist 
in takeover stock at Goldman, Sachs, 


where, as co-chairman, he “has a stake 
that is reportedly valued at between $50 
million and $100 million,” according to 
the Journal. 

This guy, who even looks like the unc- 
tuous character played by Michael Doug- 
las in Oliver Stone's movie Wall Street, is 
now expected to fix an economy ruined 
by people like him. He specialized іп 
boosting the fortunes of corporate 
raiders involved in takeover bids. Will he 
now reverse the effects of those take- 
overs, reassemble the cannibalized parts 
of once-productive enterprises, give jobs 
back to people who lost them in his pa- 
per-proht shuttles and refocus corpora- 
tions on the task of making products 
rather than money? 

Among other things, Rubin is expect- 
ed to oversee the new trade nego! 
The fact that the Japanese already own a 
significant chunk of Goldman, Sachs 
should cause some concern. 

Japanese and other clients received 
letters on Goldman, Sachs 
from Rubin in December, as: 
that Goldman, Sachs would do well by 
them after Rubi move to the White 
House. The letter ended with the state- 
ment, "I also look forward to continuing 
to work with you in my new capaci- 
ty" Clinton's choice of Rubin, a major 
contributor to Democratic camp: Я 
shows that this is a business-as-usual gov- 
ernment, aimed at the rich ge g rich- 
er, no matter Clinton's folksy phrases. 

Give us a break, Bill. You put the legal 
looters in charge of watching the store. 
Then you ask us to trust you on a tax in- 
crease that hits the middle class, the peo- 
ple you admit “gave the most in the 
Eightis 

We've been down this road before. We 
are again promised that the rich will pay 
their fair share and that you will fight 
the special interests. Hard to bel 
The special interests are in your gover 
ment. They wrote your tax proposal and 
they will get their lackeys in Congress 10 
pass whatever amendments are needed 
shelters. Once 
Я v in your inner cir- 
cle, will be laughing away as you talk to 
us about a common sacrifice and they 
make out like bandits. 


5 


59 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CHARLES BARKLEY 


a candid conversation with the nba’s fast-breaking big mouth about 
the rising suns, stardom, bedlam in barcelona—and his big butt 


Charles Barkley is a human party. He 
lives in Hotel Barkley—that’s what his wife, 
Maureen, calls their home. He answers the 
door himself, usually in a sweatsuit, holding 
а putter, inviting everybody to come inside 
to join in his favorite parlor game: What will 
Ido next? 

“4 love to play basketball. 1 love to have 
fun. And 1 love to say what's on my mind," 
he says. Every day, he makes sure he hits the 
trifecta. 

When you're in Barkley’s presence, he 
dominates the horizon. From his shaved head 
to his wide grin or profound scowl, he's а 
one-man weather system, always moving fast 
and changing configuration, like а sky full 
of clouds. Will he let the sun shine through 
or cloud up and rain? 

The power of the power forward's appeal 
is that, as much as any athlete in the world, 
this Phoenix Sun might do anything. And 
has. If it costs him $40,000 to speak his 
mind about a referee, he thinks nothing of 
it. If he feels that a teammate should be 
knocked down in practice to test his tough- 
ness, so be it. He once ordered his NBA coach 
to take a player out of the game. Of course, 
his nicknames for that coach and his assis- 
tant were “Little Knucklehead” and “Big 
Knucklehead.” 

In Barcelona, the U.S. Olympic Commit- 


“Every time I think about changing a dia- 
per, I vun a little bit harder and a little bit 
faster to make sure 1 can afford a nanny 
until my daughter's old enough to take care 
of that herself” 


tee begged him to tone doum his comments so 
the whole world wouldn't end up hating both 
him and the U.S. After Barkley belted a skin- 
ny Angolan player, he quipped, “The guy 
probably hadn't eaten in a few weeks.” In- 
stead of apologizing, Barkley told the USOC 
to stop acting jealous; he added that Ameri- 
ca should be proud of the Dream Team, since 
making war and playing basketball were 
what the United States does best. For this, 
and more, he was called an ugly American 
Yet Barkley spent more time in the outdoor 
cafés along Las Ramblas, hobnobbing with 
the common folks, than all the other Dream- 
ers put together. 

He's been arrested and cleared on a gun 
charge, accidentally spit in a litile girl's face, 
punched Bill Laimbrer ( fine: $20,000—you 
would think they'd have given him a reward) 
and spent four hours in jail after an alterca- 
tion with а heckler. He says he has a new 
plan for the next guy in а bar who calls him 
“nigger.” Provoke the bum into throwing the 
‚first punch so he can’t be sued, then break the 
guy's face. But not with his shooting hand. 

On the court, Barkley is equally unpre- 
dictable. Nobody can control him. He and 
76ers teammate Rick Mahorn used to get 
ready to play by butting heads, but they did it 
without helmets. He'll post ир 71" David 
Robinson and score in his face, spinning, 


"A lot of people use racism as a crutch. Га be 
the first to admit that a lot of black people use 
that for their failures. No white person in 
this world can stop me from being successful 
if I want to be successful. 1 believe that.” 


faking, leaping and, probably, dunking— 
something he’s done more over the last three 
years than any other NBA player. Or Barkley 
will run the break, dribble between his legs or 
pass behind his back. And he loves to stick 
the trey, too. Usually, he bricks it. Except in 
the last five minut те. 

"Can't nobody on Ihe planet guard me,” 
he likes to say. "If I were seven feet tall, Га 
be illegal in three states.” Will anybody his 
size ever be so great a rebounder again? 
Barkley has an opinion: “Never be another. 
Ever. Ever.” 

А man who stands 647” tall, and whose 
muscular development is not radically differ- 
ent from dozens of other players, should not 
be able to play an inside power game for an 
undersized team and still be the only man in 
the NBA who is in the top five in both scor- 
ing and rebounding. Olhers come to play. 
Barkley comes to declare war. “I beat on peo- 
ple. I intimidate people. DU endure more 
pain than they will. That's a big part of my 
game," he says. 

Of peshy guards who try to undercut him 
to draw а charge, the 252-pound Barkley 
says, “None of them has ever tried to do it 
twice. I punish them. I drive my knee into 
their chest. I land on them. Luckily, Pue nev- 
er actually hurt anybody. But when they 
finally get up, they usually can't speak. Well, 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY STEVE CONWAY 


“1 don't have to lie. You ask me a question, 
Til tell you the truth. If you like my answer, 
that's great. If you don't, I'm still entitled to 
my opinion. 1 don't apologize for anything 
Гое said er done.” 


61 


PLAYBOY 


actually, one little guard whispered, ‘I won't 
do that again, Charles.'” 

Barkley is a powder keg, as well as a 26- 
point, 13-rebound power forward. He's a 
truth-teller as шей as a court jester: The roots 
of his humor, his anger, his ambition and his 
wisdom go back to the projects of Leeds, Al- 
abama, where he was raised by his mother 
and grandmother. Growing up fatherless, he 
was the man of the family. He was always the 
one who picked up the family pieces, like 
when one of his younger brothers had а 
stroke after using cocaine. Barkleys mother 
was a maid, but he swore from early child- 
hood that he'd “be somebody special,” 

And he was. AL Auburn, given access lo а 
training table and the phone number of ап 
all-night pizza parlor, he gained 100 pounds 
and led the Southeastern Conference in re- 
bounding all three years. Nicknamed the 
Round Mound of Rebound and Boy Gorge, 
he came to the NBA in 1984 as a curiosity 
and а project. But he dropped 50 pounds 
and came under the tutelage of Julius Er- 
ving and Moses Malone, and he soon trans- 
formed himself into the Square Bear of 
Mid-Air. Since arriving in the NBA, he has 
been the league's second leading offensive 
rebounder, averaged 23.5 points and made 
seven All-Star teams. 

However, as a folk hero and lightning rod 
Jor controversy, Barkley has exploded in the 
past year. On the Dream Team, he outshone 
everyone, including Jordan, showing the 
world that basketball could be ferocious as 
well as stratospheric and balletic. Back in 
the US., he discovered a second МВА life af- 
ter a trade from the grouchy, moribund 
Philadelphia 76ers to the Suns. To get 
Barkley, the Suns gave what was widely con- 
sidered a suicidal price—their 20-point All- 
Star shooting guard, their starting power 
forward and a 611" center who was one of 
the league’s Бейет shot blocker 

Would the Suns, who were 53-29 last sea- 
son, become Charles and the four dwarfs? 
Hardly. At midseason the Suns had the 
NBA's best record. With Barkley at various 
times playing each of the three front-court 
positions in the Suns four-guards-and- 
Charles pressure defense, Phoenix has 
become the talk of the sport and a possible 
postseason favorite. 

To interview Barkley, PLAYBOY sent Tom 
Boswell, sportswriter and columnist for The 
Washington Post for 24 years, as well as 
an occasional profile writer for PLAYBOY. 
Boswell reports: 

"Many superstar athletes like to hide or 
whine, especially those famous enough to 
take Godzilla to the rack. Barkley, however, 
hides nothing. He’s turned in-your-face into 
a lifestyle. Не says what he wants. He in- 
vents his own code of conduct. And he invites 
you to inspect his whole life. 

ubjects for the “Playboy Interview" are 
legendary for being reclusive or difficult or 
self-important. To Barkley, it’s just another 
kind of fun. He picks you up when you gel 
off the train and plays chauffeur. He gets you 
another drink and asks which football game 


62 you want to watch while you talk in his den. 


You ask for 90 minutes, he gives you three 
hours until you run out of tapes. You ask for 
another hour in another city and he gives 
you the whole day, takes you everywhere, 
шеп lets you hear the women proposilioning 
him on his hotel voice-mail. When he finds 
out you have the same golf handicap, he 
wants to set up a game so he сап beat you. 
“You interview him while he’s in the 
whirlpool. You interview him while he inter- 
views Shaquille O'Neal. You interview be- 
tween gigantic bites of greasy food. You in- 
terview him while his drop-dead-beautiful 
wife walks around in short shorts and heels. 
When you leave something behind at his 
house and ask the first taxi driver you meet 
to help you find Charles Barkley's house, the 
guy says, ‘Everybody knows where Charles 
lives.’ And he takes you right to the door. 
“Most of all, this is how Barkley dispenses 
his worldview. You go to his hotel room before 
а night game in Orlando. You ask him every- 
thing you can print and a couple things 
you figure he shouldn't have told you, so you 
won't print them because they're nobody's 
business. He turns on his beloved soap 
operas. You help him make the bed and 
arrange everything in the room so it’s in 


“Barkley hides 
nothing. He's turned 
in-your-face into 
a lifestyle. And he 
invites you to inspect 
his whole life.” 


perfect order. Тһе guy's a freak for order and 
you know he won't do anything until that 
bed is made. 

“A knock on the door. Three tailors—two 
men, one woman, all young and hip and 
dressed to die—enter. They've flown a thou- 
sand miles for a fitting. Today, it’s pants. 
They brief him on the style they'd like for 
him. "TI take six pairs,’ he says. The tailors 
stay and join the interview. 

“Another knock on the door. A tall, attrac- 
tive masseuse enters. Barkley starts to strip. 
The woman tailor leaves. The guys stay. This 
they have to see. She joins a ‘Playboy Inter- 
view’ that is about as large as the McLaugh- 
lin Group. She hands out her card and says 
she wishes to be identified as a massage ther- 
apist because she doesn't do that other stuff 
She's rubbed some NBA legs, she says, but 
none like Barkley's. ‘Charles’ thighs are as 
big as Stanley Roberts’, she says of the L.A. 
Clippers 7, 285-pound center. "But Stanley's 
are like mush. Charles’ legs are like rock." 

“The two tailors look at Barkley, look at 
the woman and exchange a glance that 
clearly says this man’s life is one continuous 
possibility they can’t even imagine. 

“Slowly, Barkley puts on his game face. 


Не wants to get mad at Shaquille O'Neal, 
but he can't. “He's a nice kid. Polite, respect- 
Sul, like I was when I came into the league. 
Not like Alonzo Mourning. I played him two 
nights ago. All he did was beat on me, kick 
my ass all night and motherfuck me to my 
face every time I tried to say something nice 
to him. He's got the worst attitude I ever saw 
in а rookie." 

"Barkley laughs wickedly. Alonzo's going 
to be great. 1 love his game.” 

“In a few hours, Barkley must meet a dif- 
ferent man in the paint. One who is eight 
inches taller, 50 pounds bigger and nine 
years younger than he. But Barkley expects 
to kick the Shaq's butt and lead his team 
to victory. 

“You can look it up. He did.” 


Scene: Barhley’s living room in an exclu- 
sive Philadelphia suburb. You enter his de- 
velopment through a security gate past an 
armed guard who sits in a stone turret. 
Barkley is in the final stages of preparation 
for his move to Phoenix. Boxes, many full 
апа ready to ship, are everywhere, This dis- 
array drives Barkley crazy. As he sits down 
рг the interview, Barkley shouts to his wife, 
“Did any of my friends call to bet on the 
?” Ti was just a head fake. 
Things are in a moving-day 
shambles here, How does it feel to be 
starting over? 

BARKLEY: Well, there is some sadness. Гус 
been here cight ycars. This is all I know. 
Now I'm going into the unknown. 
PLAYBOY: You weren't exactly happy 
here, especially the past few years. Is 
there anything that you'll miss? 
BARKLEY: The worst is missing your 
friends. People in the Sixers organiza- 
tion, people in the restaurants, the fans 
who see every game. Otherwise, the neg- 
atives aren't that bad. The only negative. 
is losing. I played here for eight years 
and we lost only two years. Other than 
that, the eight years have been great. 
PLAYBOY: Philly fans are pretty tough. 
BARKLEY: Actually, they've always been 
good to me. If you go out and try hard, 
they're going to like you. If you don't, 
they don't. I worked hard and that en- 
deared me to them. 

PLAYBOY: You must have some regrets. 
BARKLEY: It's hard sometimes. Last year 
guys were saying they would have done 
better than me if they got the ball as 
much as I did. Guys were saying 1 was 
holding them back. 

PLAYBOY: Are we finding out the truth 
about that now? Look at the Sixers’ 
record. 

BARKLEY: Yeah, that frustrated me. Her- 
sey Hawkins said I was holding him 
back. He was an All-Star with me. Armon 
Gilliam said he didnt get a chance to 
show his real game. I told him, "You've 
been on three teams. I wasn't on the oth- 
er two teams, and they traded you.” No- 
body ever had a problem with my game 
until last year, and I blame the Sixers for 
that. The Sixers should have just come 


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out and said, “Listen, Charles is the only 
plaver we have with any trade value, 
that’s why we'll trade him,” instead of 
saying that Charles is causing all these 
problems. 
PLAYBOY: Did the fans here give Moses 
Malone his due? Nobody worked harder 
than Moses. 
BARKLEY: I don’t think he was ever loved. 
Because they're not as nice to guys who 
are their own individuals. They want 
you to stay in your place. That's unfair. 
We all have opinions and we're all indi- 
viduals. Just because you say something 
doesnt make it controversial, and it 
doesnt make you a bad person. Were 
not all supposed to think alıke. But they 
want you to stay in your place before 
they give you their full love. 
PLAYBOY: Can we talk about Harold Katz, 
the owner of the Sixers? 
Oh, Jesus. 
What do you think of the guy? 
BARKLEY: Well, he's just a great business- 
man. The biggest problem I have with 
him is that he treated everything as 
strictly business. There was no personal 
relationship with the players. If I were 
an owner 1 could see that. But as a play- 
erit wasn't right. Because we're not busi- 
ness. We're not property, were not 
meat. We're people. 
PLAYBOY: Katz locker-room tirades were 
infamous. Was that destructive? 
BARKLEY: Yeah. Thats hard. You cant 
treat people like that. You can't shake 
somebody's hand if he wins and curse 
him out if he plays bad. That's too much 
of an emotional swing, 
PLAYBOY: Do you rein yourself in for the 
press or the public? 
BARKLEY: A lot of guys are different in 
private than they are in public. They say 
stuff to get reactions from the fans or the 
media. That's not my style. I don't have 
to lie, or say something and not really 
say anything. I don’t think that’s the way 
it should be done. You ask me а ques- 
tion, I'll tell you the truth. If you like my 
answer, that's great. If you don't, I'm still 
entitled to my opinion. 
PLAYBOY: You have done things in mo- 
ments of anger—such as the time you 
spit at a fan who was heckling you and 
hit a Іше girl instead—that seemed 
crazy or mean. 
BARKLEY: Other than the spitting inci- 
dent—I did apologize for that—I don’t 
apologize for anything I’ve said or done. 
I'm always blunt. I feel that white people 
are treated better than blacks. I think 
the rich are treated better than the poor. 
And I think men are treated better than 
women. The press gets on my case a lot 
because I say stuff like that. But other 
than the spitting incident, 1 don't really 
think I've done anything wrong. 
PLAYBOY: You've been a champion of fat 
people, too. 
BARKLEY: That's true. People don't w 
to hear the truth. Fat people are discı 
inated against. That's just human na- 


n- 


ture. Stereotypes abound. Like all black 
people are hoodlums, all Jewish people 
are crooks. Thats totally not true. 
Whats even worse, it's considered all 
right that people think that way. Marge 
Schott can say “money-grubbing Jews” 
or “million-dollar niggers," because 
that's the society we live in. People say 
it's freedom of speech. That's not free 
dom of speech. Any woman who has that 
much power isn't going to hire blacks or 
Jews. That ain't the worst part about it 
The worst thing is that she may go and 
kiss up to them. When the Reds won the 
World Series, she was drinking cham- 
pagne with the brothers and calling 
them million-dollar niggers behind their 
backs. I have more respect for the Klan, 
because when they call you nigger they 
don’t sit there and drink with you. 
PLAYBOY: In Leeds, Alabama, where you 
grew up, were people judged on their 
merits? 

BARKLEY: No, you were judged on your 
race in Leeds. I have to give credit to my 
mother and grandmother and my best 
friend in the world, Joseph Mock. Those 
three people always kept my head level 
as far as race was concerned. My mother 
and grandmother “Listen, all white 
people are not bad.” They kept stressing 
that. A lot of white people helped us 
make it, because my mother and grand- 
mother were maids. 

PLAYBOY: But most people aren't as 
open-minded as your mother and 
grandmother. 

BARKLEY: I blame the media for a lot of 
our problems. They don’t usually tell the 
truth, They got the majority of white 
people thinking black people are bad, 
and they got the majority of black people 
thinking white people are bad. I don't 
believe that. The truth is, we're all the 
same. But the negative stuff sells papers 
and TV shows. Instead of always doing 
stories about who gets mugged and 
killed by somebody of the opposite race 
or saying that all black people are on 
welfare or all white people аге in the 
„they can be a little more realistic in 
their reporting 

PLAYBOY: You grew up in the Deep 
South, in the projects, but you went to a 
school that was mostly white. What was 
that like? 

BARKLEY: It was good for me. lt gave me 
a chance to experience more. The edu- 
cational system was better at the white 
school. It gave me a chance to interact 
with nice white people. When you're а 
kid, you don’t think racist. When you 
grow up, that's when you become racist. 
Some knucklehead teaches you to be 
racist. You can't look at all white people 
and І don't like them.” You can't 
say, “Well, I like all blacks.” There are 
black people I don't want to be around, 
and there are white people I don’t want 
to be around 

PLAYBOY: Do you think people cry racism 


67 


PLAYBOY 


when they can't get the job done on 
their own? 

BARKLEY: A lot of people use racism as a 
crutch. I'd be the first to admit that a lot 
of black people use that for their failures. 
No white person in this world can stop 
me from being successful if I want to be 
successful. I believe that. No black per- 
son could stop me from being successful, 
either. I don't think it’s fair to blame 
all black America’s problems on white 
America. Because we do a lot of stuff to 
ourselves. I saw a very disturbing statis- 
tic. More than seventy percent of crimes 
against black people are committed by 
other black people. 

PLAYBOY: Is there any way around that 
frustration? 

BARKLEY: It doesn't help to get mad at the 
world. I'm not ever going to be jealous of 
somebody else's success. If a black per- 
son wants to open up a business, he сап. 
I don't think it's fair to get mad at people 
from another culture for being success- 
ful in your culture. We have that same 
opportunity. If we were going to put in 
something, we should have put it there 
before. 

PLAYBOY: And how do you handle 
racial slurs? 

BARKLEY: I can't take them. 

PLAYBOY: Does that make you a target for 
anybody who is obnoxious enough? 
BARKLEY: No, that’s just going to make 
my right hand sore irom hitting people. 
1 don't mind. I just have to get better at 
provoking them. I've got to make them 
hit me first, so they can't sue me. They 
don't pay me enough money to let peo- 
ple call me any name in the book. 
PLAYBOY: When I was reading up on you, 
the thing that worried me was that you 
have а gun in your car. Are you the kind 
of person who should carry a gun? 
BARKLEY: Let me ask you a question. Гуе 
had my gun in my car for, let's see, nine 
years. You've heard about it only once. If 
I was a maniac or a crazy person, don't 
you think you would have heard about it 
more than once? 

PLAYBOY: It's argued that your chances 
of getting killed with your own gun are 
much greater than your chances of get- 
ting killed with anybody else's gun. 
BARKLEY: We live in a dangerous society. 
People are so sick in this world. With the 
car-jacking going on, I feel safer with my 
gun. People know I'm Charles Barkley 
and I'm going to have money on me. I'm 
not the statistic. What about the statistics 
that say some small kid from Alabama 
isn't going to make it to the NBA? You 
can't compare yourself to a statistic. You 
have to be better than a statistic. 
PLAYBOY: The stats say you're more likely 
to be killed with your own gun by acci- 
dent, or in a domestic argument or by 
your kid, who doesn't know what he's 
playing with, than by an intruder. People 
get depressed and kill themselves. 
BARKLEY: ] won't kill myself. I'm one of 


68 my favorite people. 


PLAYBOY: When people draw you into 
fights with racial slurs, are they doing it 
so they can sue you? 

BARKLEY: No, people use those words be- 
cause they're racist. That's what they ve 
been taught. We're taught racism in this 
country. I have to stand up for myself. I 
didn't get where I am now by backing 
down and letting things stop me. 
PLAYBOY: Оп occasion, you've been ас- 
cused of being racist. Remember the 
Dave Hoppen incident last season? 
BARKLEY: The Sixers were down to four- 
teen or fifteen players in training camp 
and somebody asked me, "Do you think 
they'll cut Dave Hoppen?” I said, “I 
don't know. But if they cut Dave Hop- 
pen, some people will be upset because 
well have an all-black team." End of 
quotation. Well, in no way did I say Dave 
Hoppen was on the team only because 
he was white. Or a token. 1 was really of 
fended by the way the media made mc 
out to be a racist. Because, as a black per- 
son, 1 am never going to be a racist. 1 
know how it feels to be treated that way. 
I will never treat another person that 
way. Never. 


“We live in a 
dangerous society. 
People are 
so sick in this 
world. I feel safer 
with my gun.” 


PLAYBOY: You hold your opinions strong- 
ly. Do you fall into the trap of thinking 
that everything you believe is absolute 
truth? 

BARKLEY: Well, as far as racism and sex- 
ism go, I'm flat-out right. There's no in- 
between. I'm not fooling myself that I'm 
the smartest person in the world. But on 
those two things I am a hundred per- 
cent positive that I am right. I think the 
majority of people in the world will 
agree with me. My opinions are just as 
important as everybody else's. 

PLAYBOY: People are fascinated by public 
figures who say what they think. 
BARKLEY: It is more important to talk 
about things like that than it is to play 
basketball. That stuff is a lot more sig- 
nificant than going out and getting 
twenty points. 

PLAYBOY: There are some quotes that live 
оп. After Bobby Knight left you off the 
1984 Olympic team, you said, “I hate the 
son of a bitch." Do you still feel that way? 
BARKLEY: No, not at all. I love Bobby 
Knight. I like the way he coaches. But, 
honestly, has he done things wrong? Yes. 
Have I done things wrong? Yes. But, on 


the whole, the guy is a great basketball 
coach. 1 didn’t deserve to make that 
Olympic team. I didn't want to and 
didn't care about it. 

PLAYBOY: Does it bother you that that’s 
one quote you're remembered for? 
BARKLEY: You know, with most of the 
stuff I've said, I was just trying to have 
fun. Everybody laughs, and then they 
put it in the paper and it doesn’t sound 
funny. That's one thing that makes me 
mad about the media. The reporters 
know you're joking, and then they print 
it. The night 1 said, “That's the kind of 
game that makes you want to go home 
and beat your wife and kids,” everybody 
started laughing. When I read it in the 
paper the next day, I could see why peo- 
ple were offended by it. I don't think of 
myself as giving interviews. I just have 
conversations. That gets me in trouble. 
PLAYBOY: At the Olympics you said a cou- 
ple of things I wondered if you wanted 
to take back, such as America’s being 
best at basketball and the military. 
BARKLEY: No, I'm right about the mili- 
tary, We should have the best mi 
We should have the best of every 
I'm for America. I don't like foreigners 
thinking they're better than we are. 
That's what we talked about in our team 
meetings. We wanted to prove we were 
the best basketball players in the world, 
and we did. 

PLAYBOY: You also said that Herlander 
Coimbra, the player from Angola you 
elbowed during the Olympics, probably 
hadn't eaten in a few weeks. 

BARKLEY: I was just having fun. 


Scene: The months pass, and Barkley is 
stomping through the league with his 
Phoenix Suns, who, as we weni to press, 
sport the best record in the NBA. This just 
might be Barkley's MVP season. He is silting 
in a whirlpool in the Orlando Magic locker 
room, having just interviewed. Shaquille 
O'Neal for Barkleys Phoenix TV show. Of 
Shaq, he says, "He's not as tall as I thought. 
But he's so wide. That's better than tall. He's 
as thick as me. Imagine me, but seven feet 
tall." Being in a locker room with Barkley is 
like being in а Vegas casino with Don Rick- 
les. He is the self-appointed master of cere- 
monies in his world. He tries to trade four of 
his teammates to the Magic GM for Shaq. 
He exchanges scouting reports (anywhere 
else, this would be called gossip) with Magic 
coach Matt Guokas. He listens to Guokas’ 
son tell about his college career and the 
Magic's Terry Catledge explain his latest in- 
jury. Barkley is interested in everybody else's 
life story and doesn't hog the floor with his 
own business. Everyone who comes into the 
room aud discovers Barkley lighis up as if 
it's Christmas morning and they just discov- 
ered Santa Claus in their living room, still 
eating his milk and cookies, Nobody leaves 
quickly. Typically, Barkley finds it natural to 
give an interview while taking a whirlpool 
and holding court with anyone who passes by. 
PLAYBOY: А few ycars ago you said, "As 


long as Bird is around 1 will only be 
the second-worst defensive player in 
basketball.” 

BARKLEY: Larry's one of the greatest 
players ever to play the game, and that 
was just some joking around. But yeah, 
thats probably the most disappointing 
part of my game 

PLAYBOY: Do you pick your moments to 
turn up the defensive intensity? 
BARKLEY: I can play defense with any- 
body in the last five minutes of the game. 
PLAYBOY: You crash the boards. and 
thats a big part of defense. 

BARKLEY: Yeah. The most important stat 
10 me is rebounding. If you shoot the 
ball enough, you can average twenty 
points a game. I'd rather get twenty re- 
bounds than score twenty points. 
PLAYBOY: Conventional wisdom says you 
have to box out to get rebounds. Do 
you agree? 

BARKLEY: No, I don't. It’s hard to box out 
guys if they are good rebounders. If 
youre going to stand there and hold 
them, you're not going toward the ball 
Somebody will beat you to it. 

PLAYBOY: How many guys can get away 
with that? 

BARKLEY: Not many, but there aren't 
many good rebounders. No, excuse me, 
there aren't many great rebounders 
PLAYBOY: Whoare the great rebounders? 
BARKLEY: Dennis Rodman, Charles Oak- 
ley, Hakeem Olajuwon. Those are the 
guys I respect the most. 

PLAYBOY: Do they mostly block out or do 
they go for the Бай? 

BARKLEY: Dennis is the best at just going. 
to the ball. Charles Oakley gets more out 
of less jumping ability than any player 
out there, but he doesn't jump. He box- 
es out. Hakeem gets them on talent and 
quicknes: 

PLAYBOY: You'll probably be remem- 
bered longest as a relatively short guy 
who is the second-best offensive 
bounder in the game. How can you be 
that much better than people who a 
that much bigger? 

BARKLEY: Number one, God gave me a 
lot of talent. Number two, I just want to 
rebound. It's all desire. 
PLAYBOY: Whar's the best part of your 
game? 

BARKLEY: My competitiveness 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about dunks. Over a 
three-year period, you had more than 
five hundred dunks. More than Michael 
Jordan. More than anybody. Why are 
you the league's leading dunker 
BARKLEY: Because Dm so short. I don't 
like laying it up because it can get 
blocked. Get it in the rim. I dunk be- 
cause it’s the easiest shot 

PLAYBOY: Robert Parish once said that 
being hit by you was like being crunched 
in a trash compactor. 

BARKLEY: [ did bang him. My philosophy 
is simple. I want to bang, bang, bang for 
forty-eight minutes. I want to bang you 
and try to outplay you the last three 


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minutes of the game. I'm betting that 
you're going to wear down. If I start 
banging you in the first quarter, I think 
you're going to get tired before me. 
PLAYBOY: When you talk about banging, 
what's the most important part of your 
body? Hips, elbows or legs? 

BARKLEY: Leg strength is so important 
when you're trying to get position. Us- 
ing your ass is important. [ have really 
big thighs. My legs are huge. That's why 
1 can't buy pants. I used to wear size thir 
ty-six pants, but because my thighs are 
so big, I have to get forty-twos and have 
the waist taken in to make up for the dif- 
ference. All my strength comes from my 
lower body. 

PLAYBOY: You once said that the game is 
slower for you in the final minutes. 
Wayne Gretzky, Larry Bird and other 
athletes say the same thing. 

BARKLEY: Jerry West said that if you're a 
at player, the game's in slow motion. 
If you can play the game, it is easy. I re- 
ally believe it. For me, this is probahly 
the first year in my life that Гуе really 
had to work and do all the other things 
10 be good 

PLAYBOY: You mean weight lifting? 
BARKLEY: Weight lifting, running. I used 
to take running for granted. Now I can 
feel myself running. [t's a struggle for 
me to run. I'm forcing myself to run 
hard. I guess I'm starting to get old. 1 
used to go to the gym and play. Now I 
have to get there a little bit early, do a lor 
of stretching and things like that 

PLAYBOY: Who is the best player you've 
ever played against? 

BARKLEY: Кеуіп McHale, bar none. You 
had to hope he was missing. You 
couldn't stop him. In his prime he was 
the best. He was too big for me and 
everybody on him, whether it was Moses 
or Bobby Jones. That Celtics front line 
was the greatest front line ever to play 
the game. There were no weaknesses. 
PLAYBOY: Do you like to be the center of 
attention? 

BARKLEY: I dont enjoy all the attention. 1 
don't really enjoy being “Charles Bark- 
ley.” I just try to have fun in whatever L 
do. If it were up to me, I would just play 
basketball and walk around anonymous- 
ly. But 1 want to have fun. I don't try to 
get auention by doing things or saying 
things. I just try to be honest and make 
sure I enjoy this. These are the quality 
vears of my life. Гуе spent all my adult- 
hood being a star. If I'm miserable and 
don't enjoy it, that’s wrong. I'm not go- 
ing to spend twenty to thirty years in this 
position, so I'm going to enjoy the hell 
cut of it while I'm here. 

PLAYBOY: Does that extend to the basket- 
ball court during games? 

BARKLEY: That makes the game easier for 
me, because I'm always relaxed. Talking 
to the fans and cheerleaders relieves the 
tension. 

PLAYBOY: Lee Trevino said the same 


thing about playing golf. He said if he 
couldn't talk he couldn't play. 

BARKLEY: | would be so uptight. I 
wouldn't have anything to do but think 
about a pressing situation 

PLAYBOY: You have a reputation as one оГ 
the premiere trash talkers in the league 
BARKLEY: That stuff is overrated. I just 
have fun. When the guys start talking 
trash, I'm just talking. I don't look at it as 
talking trash. 

PLAYBOY: Does it ever hurt your game? 
BARKLEY: Sometimes talking trash makes 
you play better. You want to back up the 
trash you're talking. You think, I've said 
it. Now I have to do it. 

PLAYBOY: If you were talking trash to 
Larry Bird or Chuck Person, what 
would you say? Most people think 
would be, I'm going to kill you because 
1 е you. But it’s lighter than that, 


isn't it? 


All they say is that you can't 
Sometimes you tell guys what 
you're going to do, then you do it 
PLAYBOY: Docs anybody take it too 
personally? 
BARKLEY: When you play against a guy 
n't handle it, he gets all personal. 
There's a classic piece of trash 
talking between you and Chuck Person 
You told your teammates to isolate you 
on him. You said, "Let me torture him." 
Exe Chuck talks more than any oth- 
player in the NBA. If you don't play 
weh against him, he lets you know it 
PLAYBOY: When you're torturing some- 
body, how do you feel? 
BARKLEY; When I get twenty points in à 
half, sometimes I feel bad. I like playing 
against good players because it's a chal- 
lenge to me. I don't like playing against 
bad players who you can kill all night. 
PLAYBOY: Did it hurt you when they 
called you Food World in college? 
BARKLEY: It didn't make me feel bad, like 
it does fat people. I understood that they 
were trying to get Auburn's basketball 
program on the map and they wanted to 
use me to attract attention. The only 
thing that annoyed me was that they 
weren't giving me enough credit as a 
basketball player. 1 was leading the SEC 
in rebounding. 
PLAYBOY: What about when they sent piz- 
zas to the bench? 
BARKLEY: You know what? I don't get up- 
set about ми like that. I have a great 
sense of humor. 
PLAYBOY: Even when they called you the 
Crisco Kid? 
BARKLEY: I don't worry about what they 
call me. 1 worry about playing ball well 
1 may be whatever they call me, but I 
am one of only two guys who led the 
SEC in rebounding three years in a row. 
The other guy played before they had 
sneakers. [While at LSU, Shaquille O'Neal 
became the third player to reach this rec- 
ord.—Ed.] 
PLAYBOY: Did you feel like a fat kid when 
you were growing up? 


BARKLEY: No, because I didn't get fat un- 
til I went to college. 

PLAYBOY: How did it happen? 

BARKLEY: They served dinner too early. 
We practiced from three to six. They 
served dinner from six to seven, but I 
had been running down the court for 
three hours. You don't feel like eating 
right away. The guys on the team usual- 
ly slept through dinner, or we were just 
too tired to rush back to eat. So we or- 
dered pizza. My freshman year, 1 would 
say out of two hundred days, probably 
ordered pizza late at night one hundred 
sixty times. That won't do you any good. 


Scene: Barkley sits in a hotel lobby, wait- 
ing for his old friend Buzzy Braman—for- 
mer shooting coach for 
the 76ers who now 
holds that position with 
the Magic—to go to 
lunch with us. On the 
short walk from 
the Magiés arena to 
the Suns! hotel, Burk- 
ley has signed 50 au- 
tographs. Every attrac- 
tive woman does or says 
something that, if the 
roles were reversed, 
would constitute sexual 
harassment. Barkley із 
polite but never reacts. 
When he gets his mes- 
sages, one is from a 
woman who has found 
а way 10 proposition 
him on his hotel voice- 
тай. Braman arrives 
іп а tiny, old, beat-up 
car that looks like it 
escaped from а Six- 
ties college campus. 
Barkley offers to sit in 
the cramped backseat 
When he gets in the 
front instead, he pulls 
the seat all the way for- 
ward and says, 
enough room back 
there?” His knees are 
close to his chin. Bra- 
man takes Barkley to 
his health club to show him off to his friends. 
Barkleys "lunch" is 90 minutes of constant 
interruption, requests for photos and con- 
gratulations. At this greasy spoon. joint, he 
has an enormous deli-style sandwich with 
fried egg sticking ош every side. He praises 
the food. He smiles for every group photo, 
even for one woman who can't figure out her 
own camera. Braman is in heaven. Barkley 
enjoys Braman's obvious pleasure. 

PLAYBOY: You were saying, while we were 
walking over here, that you didn't have 
much freedom in public. Make that no 
freedom in public. 

BARKLE That's probably the harde: 
part of it: not being able to do things like 
regular person. Lam a normal person, 


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except when I'm playing ball. 

PLAYBOY: Do you turn down your metab- 
olism in public? 
BARKLEY: Yeah, I can't respond to people 
all the time. You have to keep your dis- 
tance. Everybody wants a piece of you. 
PLAYBOY: All soris of people ask you lor 
your autograph. I would think you'd see 
a lot of lost souls. Does it depress you? 
BARKLE he only thing that depresse: 
me is that most of the people are selling 
autographs now. Ш not the good old 
days when they just asked for them if 
they respected your ability. Now they do 
it as a business venture. 

PLAYBOY: You criticized Harold Katz on 
that front as well. Is the Phoenix front 
office different? 


BARKLEY: I have never even seen the 
Suns’ owner, Jerry Colangelo, in the 
locker roc 
PLAYBOY: Docs that cause less ten ? 
BARKLEY; Yes. If the organization really 
likes the players, they will play harder 
for that organization. 7 come 
back from injuries soone little 
harder. 
PLAYBOY: How good is the Suns te: 
you're with now? 
BARKLEY: We're not the best team in the 
league, but we're one of them. IF we play 
well we can beat anybody. 
PLAYBOY: Can you see down the road, 
ithi ar or two, when you might be 
able to say the Suns are the best team? 
BARKLEY: | don't know if we will ever 


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have the best team. We have some weak- 
nesses. We have a small team. 
PLAYBOY: There was a story at the begin- 


ning of tr ng camp about your put- 
ting a big hit on Kevin Johnson. Do you 
test yoi inmates 
BARKLEY: | always test my teammates. 
You don't want to go cighty-two games 
without knowing what to expect from 
them when it gets to crunch time. 
PLAYBOY: Рсоріс have often said you're 
critical of teammates. There was the time. 
you motioned to coach Jimmy Lynam to 
take Mike ski out of the game when 
he wasn't playing well 

BARKLEY: Mike Gminski and I played to- 
gether for three seasons. He was having 
à bad game one day and 1 got frustrated 
and I told the coach 
to take him out. We 
were together for 
two and a half years 
and thats the only 
thing that people can 


PLAYBOY: 
first person you asked 


xlay, che 


about was Gm 
BARKLEY: Ever 
will always ty to 
make a big deal out. 
of that. Let me tell 
you something. Dan- 
пу Ainge screamed аг 
me the other night 
on the court. That's 
one thing about our 
team. We don't get 
upset when some- 
body says something. 
But thats hard to ex- 
plain to the public. 
Playersare so fucking 
spoiled now. When I 
first went to Philadel- 
phia, we screamed at 
one another and that 
made us play bette 

Dennis Johnson said 
when he was on the 
Celtics they yelled 
and that made them 
play better. We do the 
same thing in Phoe- 
nix, but we dont take it personally 
We don't whine to the media. We dont 
whine to the coach. That's the difference 
between a good team and a bad team. 


PLAYBOY: Why is there less wh g with 
the Sunsz 
BARKLEY: Because the players are not in- 


Ch 


secure. probably thi 
that good and he's ge 
publicity. We're not jealous of him and 
that's just the way it is. When I went to 
Philadelphia. I was not jealous of Doc 
and Moses. Look at Chicago. I don't 
think those guys are jealous of Michacl 
and Scottie. They just want ro win. You 
have to sa a little bit of yourself. 

PLAYBOY: You continue to have problems 
with referees and fines—more than 


g to get a lot of 


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$140,000 in fines in the past few years. 
BARKLEY: I'm just giving my money to 
charity. 
PLAYBOY: Are the referees in the NBA 
that bad? 

BARKLEY: No, not in general, But some of 
them get intimidated on the road. 
PLAYBOY: So you intimidate them back? 
BARKLEY: [Laughs.] 

PLAYBOY: You and Mike Mathis don't get 
along. He threw you outofa game a few 
years ago. 

BARKLEY: I hate him and he hates me. It's 
definitely personal between us. 

PLAYBOY: Can you guys work out the 
problem? 

BARKLEY: Never, never, ever. 

PLAYBOY: Have you asked the league to 
take him off your games? 

BARKLEY: I don't want to think about it. 
PLAYBOY: What if you saw him working 
the seventh game of the NBA finals? 
BARKLEY: I don't want to see him there. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have the qu 
lead a team to the championshi, 
BARKLEY: You have to have the talent. No 
matter how good Michacl Jordan is, he 
needed Pippen. They couldn't win be- 
cause they didn't have enough players. I 
just met Dave Winfield. Think about all 
he’s accomplished. He said he was final- 
ly on a team that was good enough to 
win. That's what it comes down to. I'd be 
a fool to walk up to Dan Marino and say, 
“Hey, you haven’t won a Super Bowl, 


you're a loser.” You should never let a 
sporting event dictate your self-worth. If 
this team plays well, we could win it. If 
we don't, there were teams that were 
better than us. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think there are players 
in the NBA who raise their teammates’ 
level of play? Like Magic and Bird? 
BARKLEY: I always think about that. That 
stuff is kind of overrated. Look at the 
players they're playing with. Kevin 
McHale is going to be a hell of a player 
regardless. Robert Parish was going to 
be a hell of a player regardless. Dennis 
Johnson was a hell of a player. Danny 
‘Ainge has always been a hell of a player. 
James Worthy—hell of a basketball play- 
er. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Scott. Cooper. 
I had Charles Shackleford. You can't 
compare Charles Shackleford with Rob- 
ert Parish or Kareem. You can't compare 
Armon Gilliam with James Worthy. 
That's a little unfair. 

PLAYBOY: Bird and Magic raised their 
teammates with their great passing. Do 
you raise your teammates with your 
emotional level? 

BARKLEY: Coach Westphal thinks I in- 
spire the team by my attitude. My аш- 
tud mple. I go out there and play as 
as I can for forty minutes. My emo- 
tion has helped me most of the time. 
Magic Johnson has a word he always us- 
es: manpower. He says it all comes back 
to manpower. If you have enough man- 


power and things go your way, you're 
going to win it. 

PLAYBOY: How do the fans in Phoenix 
take to your flamboyant style of play? 
BARKLEY: I don't worry about who likes 
or kes me. I know what it takes for 
me to be successful. I've been successful 
tor eleven years. 

PLAYBOY: Do people like you in Phoenix? 
BARKLEY: They have been unbelievable to 
me. But I was never treated badly by the 
fans in Philly. Never. 

PLAYBOY: Arizona gets something of a 
rap on ra ues. 

BARKLEY: The city of Phoenix had the 
Martin Luther King holiday before the 
state. That's all I can say on that. 
PLAYBOY: | saw you partying along Las 
Ramblas when you were at the Olym- 
pics. Do you hate to sit around? 
BARKLEY: I love sitting around, but I was 
at the Olympics. I’m not going to spend 
two of the greatest weeks of my life sit- 
ting in my damn room like a moron. 
‘That was a once-in-adifetime opportu- 
nity. Because there was never anything 
like the Dream Team. There never will 
bc again. 

PLAYBOY: A lot of people don't under- 
stand that, Even though you knew you 
were going to kill everybody, it was still 
special. 

BARKLEY: It was really special. Let me tell 
you something, I'm getting sick of hear- 
ing how bad the other teams were. It 


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73 


PLAYBOY 


74 


wasn't that the other teams were bad. It 
was that our team was just so awesome. 
їз kind of like having a Rolls-Royce 
every day of your life and never having 
to drive a Chevette. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel lucky that you 
came along at the right time to be at 
your peak on that team, before Bird and 
Magic disappeared, and while some 
g guys like David Robinson were 
ing to blossom? That might be the 
me team. 

BARKLEY: It was the all-time team in any 
sport, ever. Magic played well. Larry 
didn't play as well as he was capable of 
because of back. But you still had 
Michael and Scottie. You just can't put 
together a team that good in any sport. | 
was honored to be selected. 

PLAYBOY: Can you talk about the team- 
work or chemistry? 

BARKLEY: There's no such thing as that. 
See, it’s simple. If you can play, you can 
play. Good players just want to win and 
that's all we were concerned with, Bad, 
insecure players cause teams problems. 
Bad players worry about how much they 
score, because they're not getting min- 
utes. But on that team, because all of 
were so good, we just let it happen. 
PLAYBOY: They di 
pretty evenly so nobody really had to 
worry about that 
BARKLEY: If we had lost, guys would have 
been bitching. If you're а good player 
and you're on that team, you're only 
concerned about winning. 

PLAYBOY: How did you feel about the 
controversy surrounding Magic John- 
son's second retiremen 
BARKLEY: I feel bad about all the pressure 
Magic has been under. I think he should 
be playing. 

PLAYBOY: What did you think about the 
people who were afraid they might have 
caught AIDS by playing against him? 
BARKLEY: They're entitled to that opin- 
ion. It’s not fair for us to tell them 
they're wrong. Тһе medical opinion says 
there's a small chance. Well, who are we 
to tell those guys they should take that 
small chance? Everybody said there's a 
remote chance you can get bitten by a 
snake if you walk through the desc 
Well, you don't have to walk through the 
de: 
PLAYBOY: Have guys around the league 
changed their sex lives because of AIDS? 
BARKLEY: Yeah. If the situation with Mag- 
ic Johnson didn't make you change, 
thére's something wrong with you 
PLAYBOY: You don't think guys are back- 
sliding now? 

BARKLEY: No. Magic has helped so many 
people understand sexual activity. Any- 
body who has sex without using a con- 
dom is out of his mind. 

PLAYBOY: If you were infected with HIV, 
would you go public after seeing what 
happened to Magic and Arthur Ashe? 
BARKLEY; We're so ignorant in our soci- 


ety. We treat people with AIDS terribly. I 
would probably retire and spend every 
day with my daughte 
PLAYBOY: Has being a parent changed 
you in any way? Have you found out 
anything about yourself since Christiana 
was born? 
BARKLEY: [t lets you know that there's 
nothing more important than your kids. 
PLAYBOY: Arc you good at the obnoxious 
parts of being a parent the diap« 
the midnight fecdings 
No. I'd rather go out and run 
five miles and make more money and 
hire a nanny. Every time I think about 
changing a diaper, i run a little bit hard- 
er and a little bit faster to make sure I 
can afford a nanny until Christana’s old 
enough to take care of that hei 
PLAYBOY: Are youa good playing daddy? 
Do you like to play the board games and 
blocks and stuff like that? 
BARKLEY: Not yet. I'm looking forward to 
retiring. Right now, my whole life is 
based on making things better for my 
family, so I'm not good about being a fa- 
ying to make money and set 
for the future. We can һауе 


“The NBA 
doesn’t really have 
any balls. It’s 
concerned only 
about money. 
That’s not right.” 


fun like a regular family once I'm re- 
tired. That's why women are important. 
They are better parents than men are 

ecause they are willing to do those 
ious little things. They get up in 


PLAYBOY: What's the best part 
ing a dad? 

BARKLEY: When she's kissing me every 
five minutes and telling me she loves me, 
or when we go shopping and she's just 
happy. When my daughter is playing 
with her toys, and then running back to 
show me, that’s what makes me feel like 
everything Гус done is worth it. If 1 die 
tomorrow, my daughter wouldn't have 
to marry some bum who beats her just 
because they have kids and don't have 
any money. My daughter won't ever be 
in that situation. It makes me think all 
the bad experiences were wortl 
PLAYBOY: OK, here's a nen 
Charles Barkley appointed commission- 
er of the NBA. What would you do? 
BARKLEY: | would drug-test everybody. I 
would put somebody in charge of help- 
ing the inner city because we don't do 
enough for the inner city. 1 would be a 


little more stringent with the fans be- 
ause some of them just go to games to 


and that's not right. When they 
изе profanity toward you or your family, 
they cross the line. The NBA doesn’t ге- 


ally have any balls. It's concerned only 
about money. It's like, well, the fans pay 
their money, so they can say and do what. 
they want. That's not right. 

PLAYBOY: Both Isiah Thomas and Mi- 
chael Jordan have been involved in gam- 
bling controversies. You had a flap about 
making a bet with Mark Jackson. 
BARKLEY: Michael Jordan was treated un- 
fairly. What Michael Jordan does with 
his money is his business. I think the 
NBA was totally wrong. He can do what- 
ever he wants to do with his money. If he 
wants to play golf with it, that's fine. And 
if he's going to keep playing golf like he 
was playing that weekend, | want to play 
im, too. 

PLAYBOY: How about the people he was 
playing with? 

BARKLEY: In fairness to Michael, he did 
not know that guy. When he gocs home 
for the summer, he’s not going to assume 
his friends will be hanging out with drug 
dealers and put him in that situation. 1 
blame his friends more than І blame 
im. Obviously, Michael Jordan ain't go- 
ing to play with no cocaine dealer. But if 
T go to Leeds during the summer, I don't 
expect my friends to have a drug dealer 
as one of the guys in our foursome 
PLAYBOY: Portland's Clyde Dr г once 
said, “Whatever Charles wants, Charles 
gets.” Is it 100 easy for you now? 
BARKLEY: Nobody gives me anything. 
Everything I get I earn. I don't want that 
much from other people. There aint 


ng 


e. That's the only rule I know. 
PLAYBOY: Is that a lesson for black kids? 
BARKLEY: As a black. person growing up 

country you have to realize that's 
ke against you. So you're going to 
to work a little harder. And if you 
want an ex you've got an excuse, 
The white man cant stop me from being 
successful if I want it bad enough. That's 
a phrase you hear tossed around by 
blacks sometimes. 
PLAYBOY: lhat whites can stop you? 
BARKLEY: Ycah. The white man won't let 
me be successful. 1 say thar's bull. No- 
body could stop me from being success- 


ical talent is a big part of yo 
What if you had less talent? 
BARKLEY: There are a lot of players who 
have talent who never make it 

PLAYBOY: But you feel that you could 
have made it, even without your athletic 
talent? 

BARKLEY: | would have made it at some- 
thing. I'm too determined. I made up 
my mind a long time ago I was going to 
be successful at something. 

PLAYBOY: You were not a particularly 


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ber ee evre су оодоо abe Ша, enis 


the breeze. You crack open a pack and 
light up a smoke. Now we’re talking. 
Smooth. Mild. Flavorful. Low 

tar. Low tar? Hold the phone. 
Used to be low tar meant 

low expectations. Well, pal, 
that was then. And this is 


NOW 


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PLAYBOY 


good athlete growing up, even after you 
said you were going to be in the NBA. 
You didn't make the high school team 
the first time you tried out. 

BARKLEY: | was just joking around then. I 
was using basketball to go to college for 
free. That's the only reason I started 
playing ball I never expected to be 
where I am today. But there was no 
doubt in my mind I was going to be a 
success. 

PLAYBOY: You said from an carly age that 
you were going to do something special. 
BARKLEY: 1 don't want to be like every- 
body else 


know. I don't. Seriously. No- 
body wants to shoot in the last two or 
three minutes of a game. I do. Some- 
body has to be the hero. It might as well 
be me. 

PLAYBOY: Is it possible that the two spe- 
cial gifts you were given were basketball 
and the ability to make people around 
you have a good time? 

2 Yeah, 1 believe that. 

And that the second one some- 
times gets misinterpreted and people 
think, Well, he's a show-ofT or he wants 
attention? 

BARKLEY: Yeah. There's no doubt in my 
mind. Because I am Charles Barkley, 
Tm going to get the attention. T just 
want people around me to enjoy what 
I'm experiencing. I've lived a dream. 
I've done more in my life than people 
who will live to be a hundred are going 
to do. I'm thirty years old and Гуе been 
all over the world, played with Dr. ), 
played against Magic Johnson, Larry 
Bird, got to meet all kinds of people. 1 
got a chance to give people money who 
didn't have money, to make them smile, 
to visit kids in the hospital. Hey, Гуе had 
an incredible life. If it ended tomorrow, 
T'd still be, like, wow. 

PLAYBOY: Are you ever impressed with 
what you've accomplished? 

BARKLEY: I think it’s kind of amazing. My 
wife said to me the other day, “Are you 
ever in awe of yourself?” And that made 
me think. Life goes by so fast that you 
don't have time to be in awe of yourself. 
I know I can go out there and score a 
hundred points. But tomorrow night 
some guy could lock me up and kick my 
ass and it would be like I ain't done noth- 
ing. You're only remembered for your 
last game. That's the sad thing about it. 

PLAYBOY: Ten years from now, will you 
miss all the action? 

BARKLEY: No. I can accept getting old. 
There are people who say I'm not going 
to want to retire in three years. | dont 
believe that. You have to be a man about 
everything that happens in your life. 
When I make a mistake, I don't lie, bitch 
or complain. I take the heat and move 
оп. You won't see me out there strug- 
gling to play. They won't have to tear my 
uniform off me. You won't see me going 


76 Overseas to play. I think you just have to 


say, "Hey, I had a great career and I can't 
do it anymore." 

PLAYBOY: Your threshold of pain is a leg- 
end. Is that willpower, or do you think 
you actually feel pain less? 

BARKLEY: A combination of both. Athletes 
have to play in pain. If you sit out every 
time you're in pain, you can't play pro- 
fessional sports. 

PLAYBOY; Are you worried that your 
injuries will stick with you the rest of 
your Ше? 

BARKLEY: | realize that when I'm in my 
late forties and fifties 1 won't be able to 
walk. But I won't have to work until I'm 
sixty-five, like most people do. To me it’s 
worth it. I see my grandmother's new 
house or visit my mother in her new 
house and ride in her new Lexus. When 
1 signed my first contract, I bought my 
mother an Oldsmobile. For Christmas 
three or four years later, I bought her à 
Mercedes. Every time I think about how 
bad some part of my body hurts, I think 
about that. You can't describe what that 
is like. 

PLAYBOY: We'll have to come back in 
twenty years and ask you about the pain. 


"Nobody wants 
to shoot in the 
last minutes of a game. 
Somebody has 
to be the hero. 
It might as well be me." 


BARKLEY: You know what? There's no 
greater pain to me than being poor. Гуе 
been poor and now I have money. That's 
pain: being poor and struggling all the 
time to make ends meet. Seeing some- 
thing that you want and can't have, to 
me that’s serious pain. 

PLAYBOY: When your basketball career 
is over, how do you think you will be 
remembered? 

BARKLEY: People will say, "When I paid 
my fifty bucks to see Charles Barkley 
play, he played as hard as he could." 
"That's the only thing 1 expect. When 1 
lace up them Nikes, I play as hard as 1 
can no matter what is happening around 
me. I don't dog it. I play. 


Sir Charles telephones from Los Angeles, 
where two days before he has attended his 
first Super Bowl. He declares the spectacle 
"awesome" and the game üself "awful." He 
skipped all the fancy parties—like Magic’s 
bash at the Palace. Barkley says, “I just came 
for the game. Sat with Jeffrey Osbourne. 
Had a ball.” 

PLAYBOY: When we first talked before the 
season, you said that the Suns were not 


the best team in the NBA, but you 
thought that you would have a fighting 
chance to beat anybody in the playoffs. 
It’s past midseason and the Suns have 
the best record in the league. What do 
you think about your chances now? 
BARKLEY: Things have worked out better 
than anybody could have imagined. It's 
been incredible how well we've come 
along. 1 thought our lack of height and 
defense would hurt us, But we've played 
taller and bigger than I thought we 
would, and we've played great defense 
when it has really mauered. Мете a 
finesse team. But so far, the punchers 
haven't been able to catch up with the 
boxers. 

PLAYBOY: Have your new teammates sur- 
prised you? 

BARKLEY: Before I got here, everybody 
told me this team was soft. Not true. I 
knew that Danny Ainge, Dan Majerle 
and Kevin Johnson were outstanding 
players, but I didn't know just how good 
they really were. Majerle is just as tough 
as I am. There аге not many players in 
the league that tough. But he is. Ainge 
wants to win just as bad as І do. Same 
goes for KJ. When he doesn't play well 
or somebody else doesn’t play well, 
Kevin gets really ticked off. He gets on 
himself. He gets on them. I like that. 
‘Tom Chambers has been an inspiration 
to me the way he’s handled a tough situ- 
ation. Here's a guy who has scored more 
points in the NBA than I have and he's 
accepted playing less minutes for the 
good of the team. | really respect him. 
He's made me think that, when the time 
comes for me, maybe I could handle 
it, 100, 

PLAYBOY: What about Richard Dumas? 
He's the talk of the league this season—a 
rookie coming off a drug problem who's 
the second-highest scorer on the win- 
ningest team. 

BARKLEY: He's a nice, quiet kid. He re- 
minds me of a small-town guy. I don't 
think he understands the magnitude of 
his ability. He has spectacular talent, and 
right now he’s playing on talent. He can 
get by with that. But once he learns the 
fine points of the game, he'll get to the 
next level. 

* What's the general attitude on 
s, compared to your last couple 
years in Philadelphia? 

BARKLEY: We're a veteran team. We know 
what it takes to win. And we really want 
it. It’s been a long time since I could go 
to a game and not have to worry about 
being spectacular every night. In Phil- 
adelphia people expected me to play de- 
fense. They expected me to score every 
basket. They expected me to get every 
rebound. That's impossible. Here it's so 
nice. Everybody on this team scratches 
everybody else's back. Like they say, life 


is good. 


78 


1 the worldwide 
trends continue, the real 
status symbol of 
the nineties will be a job 


article by Charles A. Cerami 
AS EACH NEW business statistic gives us hope that the long re- 
cession is over, one anxious question keeps intruding: When 
will the job market come to life? The flat answer is, it won't. 

The notion that better sales and profits will naturally lead to 
ample employment is outdated. Nor can public-works projects 
make enough difference. In today's world, a number of con- 
ditions combine to prevent that from happening. There may 
be months ahead when the U.S. employment numbers appear 
to edge upward—vsually as the result of statistical quirks. But 
those will be erratic detours along the downward slide. 

The recession merely focused a spotlight on a calamity that 
waited 20 years in the wings before coming onstage. This 
show is going to have a long run. Not even the Depression 
quite compares with what we face. A new name will have to be 
invented for the global evaporation of full-time jobs that has 
gathered force since 1973, when a decline in worldwide in- 
dustrial employment foretold the future. The ominous shad- 
ow of that 1973 figure has lengthened steadily. Now the com- 
bination of forces has brought it into full view. 

One day unemployment figures will trigger a realization 

that the indus- 


trialized world 
has for two de- 
cades been put- 
ting itself out 
of business. An 


ancient fear has 
come true: People are being replaced by machines. They're 
being replaced at the worst possible time, when other trends 
are already pushing upper- and middle-incomers down a slope. 

For years, as workers grew more expensive and civil rights 
actions made them harder to get rid of, they became less 
desirable to employers. Machines seemed like better buys in 
the blue-collar job market. By now, the custom of laying off 
workers has spread even to highly compensated white-collar 
jobs. Companies look for every possible reduction of their 
work forces. 

The fear of losing one’s job has become a dominant emo- 
tion not just for blue-collar workers but also for affluent em- 
ployees who never imagined themselves remotely vulnerable. 
Upward mobility has already yielded to downward mobility. 

‘One common nightmare is of a long layoff followed by a re- 
turn to work at a job that pays less. 

Why did the candidates who squared off this past Novem- 
ber talk of budgets, schools, aid programs, taxes, health care, 
AIDS and the environment, with only a parenthetic men- 
tion of jobs? Rearrange the familiar numbers game, the can- 
didates seemed to say, and our job market will automatically 


PAINTING BY RAFAL OLBINSKI 


PLAYBOY 


80 


rebound. Play with the taxes, adjust the 
spending and we'll be back on the 
growth track. 

Not so. Such airy optimism assumes 
a nation of earners, taxpayers and buy- 
ers. Instead, we are making ourselves 
into an economy of nonworkers who 
are soon to be nonconsumers. Most 
Americans are still employed at this 
moment, but job security is a dying em- 
ber as employers rush to dispose оГ 
people. Companies yearn to become 
lean and mean. A century ago, labor 
leader Samuel Gompers said that the 
greatest sin against labor is a company 
that fails to make a profit. But isn't it 
equally true today that the greatest sin 
against business is a company that fails 
to create more jobs? How else can busi- 
ness find customers? Why else should it 
deserve them? 

Who says this? Have the leaders and 
the journalists not heard it? And why 
have the people not been told? 

Тһе signs have been obvious for at 
least eight years. The threat was recog- 
nizable long before that. But leaders 
and journalists hear so many conflict- 
ing statistics from the economists that 
their visic becomes blurred. Besides, 
what political candidate would consid- 
er ita judicious message to tell the vot- 
ers: “Every major trend of our time will 
destroy jobs”? With growing popula- 
tions everywhere. the world needs 
hundreds of millions more jobs. With 
far more women in the labor force, the 
number of people looking for work has 
increased. And with countries trading 
much more actively, the scourge of 
unemployment is rarely contained by 
borders. There is nowhere to run. Al- 
though the problemis global, itis more. 
menacing in the U.S. than in countries 
of Europe that have stronger unem- 
ployment benefits and health care, says 
Wouter van Ginneken, the chief editor 
of the United Nation's World Labor 
Report. The U.S. jobless are caught off 

guard. 

een instead of adding jobs, 
companies are striving to cut the num- 
bers. First automation and now corpo- 
rate restructuring are eliminating full- 
time work. Commercial success and 
national success have depended on in- 
dustrial modernization—too often а 
euphemism for firing people and sub- 
stituting machines. The wend acceler- 
ated when U.S. labor costs rose too 
high. The rationale was that we might 
not create jobs for people, but we 
would create work for the machines 
that make our products. Somehow, 
that will, as it has in the past, lead to 
more employment. 

Economist Wassily Leontief, who 
won a Nobel Prize in 1973, created a 
model that suggested our era may not 
be like those of the past, that modern 


machines may be so overproductive as 
to displace humans. Everyone congrat- 
ulated him and then did nothing about 
his findings. Trouble is, the machines 
won't buy our goods. Without purchas- 
ing power, people can't buy the ma- 
chine-made goods. And so the system is 
grinding down. 

1 remember a conversation eight 
years ago at the Geneva headquarters 
of the International Labor Organiza- 
tion. An agency of the United Nations, 
the ILO has 162 member countries 
and is the world center of information 
оп employment practices and ргов- 
pects. Because 1 was heading a study of 
the world economic outlook funded by 
several U.S. government departments, 
Francis Blanchard, then the ILO's di- 
rector general, asked me to meet with 
six of his principal deputies. As І ex- 
plained my reasons for having written 
a New York Times series called “Tinder- 
box for Trade: The Looming World- 
wide Job Shortage,” one of the dep- 
uties told me: 

“АП of us are deeply concerned, of 
course. Not everyone in this organiza- 
tion is as pessimistic as you are about 
the future of employment. Some think 
the future will be much worse than 
anything yet imagined. Others believe 
that technology will somehow create 
great masses of jobs and put us into a 
favorable position by the mid-Nineties. 
And then there are the neutralists— 
probably the majority —who simply say 
we'll just have to wait and see." 

What happens, 1 asked on that day 
eight years ago, if we find out that the 
pessimists were right? Even the great 
countries that would normally lead the 
way would be too weak to mount a 
meaningful program. Nor would there 
be time to head off a political and social 
catastrophe. 

It now seems that the pessimists were 
right. The great countries are, indeed, 
seriously weakened. Many former 
lenders to the world have become 
heavy borrowers. And the sources of 
funds are drying up. 

"Today, under its new director gener- 
al, Michel Hansenne, the ILO reports a 
particularly ominous fact: 


One of the most disturbing as- 
pects of employment in the indus- 
trialized countries is that unem- 
ployment has been persistently 
high even during periods of sus- 
tained economic growth. This is a 
serious reversal In the era after 
World War Two, western Euro- 
pean governments felt threatened 
if unemployment rose above two 
percent. Nowadays it seems im- 
possible for many countries to 
bring unemployment below six 
percent. 


What really happened during all the 
years of sustained economic growth? 
What was growing? Automation. The 
ILO and other employment analysts 
estimate that more than 40 million new 
jobs per year must be created world- 
wide to avoid what is seen as unem- 
ployment's inevitable companion—so- 
cial chaos. But the world is going the 
other way, failing to hold the line in 
total permanent jobs. 

Here again, it is not the figure of the 
moment that counts most. It is the like- 
lihood that the next major move will be 
in the wrong direction. For even the 
slightly brighter spots are doomed to. 
darken. Enthusiasm over Russian and 
eastern European moves toward capi- 
talism will fade as the economies turn 
their sluggish state-owned businesses 
into private ones. Armenia, once a 
prosperous member of the Soviet 
Union, now suffers 70 percent unem- 
ployment. Asian economies have had 
more job growth than the rest of the 
world in recent years. But their pros- 
perity was enhanced by export sales. 
Where will they sell their products іп 
coming ycars as their customers con- 
sume less? And here at home, the 
specter that should have been heeded 
in the Eighties is now growing. As our 
sales to the rest of the world languish, 
unemployment will go even higher. We 
never pay enough attention to the fact 
that higher unemployment figures 
abroad represent lost customers. If 
their jobs are inadequate, how will they 
pay for our products? 

Even before the recession of the past 
two years, unemployment and poverty 
were galloping worldwide. As noted 
in the The Wall Street Journal, “about 30 
percent of the world's work force is 
jobless or underemployed, an Inter- 
national Labor Organization report 
shows. Some 100 million people are 
unemployed." Some 700 million others 
earn no more than $2.50 a day. This 
applies not only to traditional problem 
economies, such as those in Africa or 
Latin America, but also to leading in- 
dustrial powers. The nations of the elite 
24-member Organization for Econom- 
ic Cooperation and Development have 
30 million unemployed persons and 
harbor a scary trend toward more pre- 
carious employment. In the UK, for 
example, more than 30 percent of jobs 
do not involve full-time employment 
(and the figure is rapidly approaching 
40 percent). Half or more of all new. 
employment in France, Germany, the 
Netherlands, Luxembourg and Spain 
is based on temporary contracts 

In the United States, laying off work- 
ers has become almost a knee-jerk re- 
action of management. First the busi- 
ness pages and now the front pages 

(continued on page 90) 


А ЕЗ 
БЫ Ж 


“God, а spring day like this and phone sex, too.” 


Soon after Susie Owens’ March 1988 
PLAYBOY appearance, she found herself with 
a fan club, a line of perfume (called Child) 
thot she concocts herself and a comic book, 
Flaxen, based an her life ond her straw- 
colored mene. “I lave my hair,” soys Susie. 
“I's lang, beautiful and it's oll mine." 


SUPER 
PLAYMATE 


susie Owens, 
miss march 1988, 
takes flight as flaxen 


text by CHUCK DEAN 


W ONDER WOMAN was the Amazon princess who left her cozy Par- 


adise Island digs for America so that she could battle anyone 

and anything remotely wicked. We'd like to introduce the 
newest superhero on the block: Flaxen, the comic-book brainchild of 
PLAYBOY veteran Susie Owens and Golden 
Apple comic guru Bill Licbowitz. Unlike 
Wonder Woman, Flaxen is humble, accessi- 
ble, of this world (Dallas, specifically)—a 
user-friendly wonder gal for the Nineties 
Curled up on her funky Melrose Ave- 
nue-import sofa as Leno yaks in the back- 
ground, Susie explains: “There was no one 
in comics who was real, who had a story that 
was real.” And she should know: Flaxen's 
life on the page mirrors Susie's life odyssey. 
In this comic book, a homely nurse named 
Cora is clumsy, fat and mistreated by her co- 
workers. When fate and nature do a litle 
tango, Cora is zapped by voltage that magi- 
cally yields Flaxen, a yellow-haired babe 
with justice on her agenda and not an ounce 
of fat under her belt. In the flesh, Susic 
is Ше two people as well. There's the I'm- 
beautiful-and-you-can't-touch-me side, at- 
tributable to her gorgeous looks. Then 
there's her accommodating side. This is а 
woman who would take me, a vis 


|w E PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
' RICHARD ҒЕСІ ЕҮ 


4 


In the premiere issue of Flaxen (below), nurse Cora Street 
is transformed into the well-muscled superhero who fights 
evil forces and, of course, saves the world from destruction. 


Susie on life experience: “I've been around the 
block. What was | supposed to do, sit back ond woit 
to be rescued? No, | went out and got knowledge.” 


stranger, out for dinner 
in her jet-black Bronco, 
then insist that I stay at 
her place. (Be real, we 
slept in separate rooms.) 
And yet the duality re- 
mains. Maybe that's be- 
cause Susie used to be 
Cora, a registered nurse 
who tipped the scales at 
150 pounds before she 
went through a Flaxen- 
like transformarion, al- 
beit using less super- 
natural means. With 
a determined attitude 
and some dietary guid- 
ance, Susie adopted a 
vigorous training pro- 
gram and even took 
up the game of squash. 
She continued to work 
on her appearance, re- 
shaped her hair and re- 
designed her makeup. 
“I read Muscle & Fitness 
to learn how to develop 
abdominal definition, I 
read Vogue to learn 
about hair and make- 
up- And then there was 
PLAYBOY." What's it like 
to have lived on both 
sides of the before-and- 
after photo? “My per- 
sonality is exactly the 
same,” Susie says in a 
Southern twang. "I'm 
simply a woman who 
tapped into a feminine 
part of herself and ran 
with it" Susie’s also 
running with Flaxen, 
bent on making her 
a formidable opponent 
of the evils that taint 
our world. Take that, 
Wonder Woman. 


Susie has some advice: "I have a well-balanced life, but I’m not saying that women should go off and do 
what 1 did. If they hear a voice that triggers something, they may want to listen to it. That's the trick." 


MANLY PURSUITS 


macho posturing by DENIS BOYLES and MATTHEW CHILDS 


НОМ TO IMPRESS 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BRODNER 


WOMEN AND OUT-STUD YOUR 


BUDDIES WITHOUT RISKING YOUR PRECIOUS HIDE 


and slashing through the corporate rain forest on their 

way to financial success, rather than plunging through 
dense jungle on the way to perfect fly-fishing in Costa Rica. 
But now, out of the blue, scouting is hot. The New Man is a 
goner. The Man Jack is back. Books and magazines every- 
where extol traditional masculine skills: hunting, fishing, 
rock-climbing and caving. When it comes to talking man 
stuff, you want to be a man among men—and, more impor- 
tant, a man among women. But one false step conversation- 
ally and you are up a creek without a kayak. Here's a guide 
to talking the big outdoors without risking injury or death 


F OR THE PAST two decades, most men have been hacking 


MOUNTAIN-BIKE TALK 


You say: Last month I was up on Poison Spider riding this 
totally tuned Specialized S-Works Ultimate. That single 
track's the tightest—there's a drop-off the size of a touch- 
down, and it took a pretty sharp stutter pedal not to crater. 

You mean: You look death in the face and hock big green 
lungies. Poison Spider Mesa, near Moab, Utah, is one of the 
country's premiere technical trails for mountain biking. 
"That's where you took your $6000 carbon fiber and titanium 
bicycle (the Specialized S-Works Ultimate, one of only 200 
made each year) when you went up a tiny trail only six inch- 
ез wide (single track) in some places. On one side, the verti- 
cal rock climbed to the sun, and on the other, the planet 
dropped away 300 feet (a touchdown, or length of a football 
field) straight down. To admire the scenery, you used a tech- 
nique of gingerly moving the pedals forward and backward 
(stutter pedal), which allows the bike to stand still, in a wob- 
bly fashion, on the skinny ledge. You crash (crater) if you 
and the bike free-fall the 300 feer. 

Credibility insurance: Don't mention anything about the 
bike's basket or its cute little bell. 


TREK TALK 


You say: Really, my most memorable trek was six weeks in 
the Dolpo. I spent most of my time in the Mustang at the 
Shey. 1 thought their thankas rivaled those in the Potola, 
but they still can't compare to those of the monasteries 
in Bhutan. 

You mean: You're an off-the-beaten-path kind of questing 
guy. The Dolpo is a region of the Mustang district of Nepal 
that was only recently opened to foreigners. The Shey 
monastery, one of the three great centers of Tibetan Budd- 


hism, has walls that are covered with extraordinary religious 
paintings (thankas). Dropping the names of such obscure, 
remote places as Potola, Bhutan and the Dolpo shows that 
you go where Federal Express doesn't. 

Credibility insurance: Don't try this while you're knocking 
back a brewski and puffing оп a Camel. 


BIRDING TALK 


You say: I was beating cover in an old apple stand with 
Granddad's Parker 12 side-by, thinking woodics, and— 
damn!—if I didn't beat a grouse. Dog died. 

You mean: You think pheasants are for peasants. Your 
idea of shooting wildfowl is to tramp (beating cover) through 
an abandoned orchard (apple stand), hoping against hope 
to do the nearly impossible—namely, shoot a grouse, the 
most elusive of all game birds. Your assumption was you'd 
end up taking potshots at woodcocks (woodies), the bird of 
choice for desperate amateurs, with your expensive Parker 
12-gauge side-by-side double-barreled shotgun, the atom 
bomb of the tweedy hunter set. When you accidentally 
flushed (beat) a grouse, you blindly fired a lucky shot. Your 
trusty hound was so astonished he refused to retrieve. 

Credibility insurance: Cornish game hens aren't game at all, 
and the only place they are in season is at the supermarket. 


WINDSURFING TALK 


You say: Yeah, a month ago I was down in the DR and 
smashed a logo-high ramp fully powered on my Angulo 
asymmetrical. Then I pulled off a full loop and sailed away. 

You mean: You can take a licking and keep on kicking. 
You were on vacation in the Dominican Republic when you 
sailed (smashed) at great speed into a wave (ramp) the 
height of the logo on a sail (logo-high) on a specially de- 
signed sailboard (the Angulo asymmetrical), which you then 
flipped end over end in mid-air (pulled off a full loop) and 
landed sailing before heading back to your office in Dayton. 

Credibility insurance: Ho'okipa is a boardsailing mecca оп 
Maui, not drug paraphernalia. 


SALMON-FISHING TALK 


You say: Went to Reck with my Fisher slat pack, a CFO 
and an old Hardy, tied on a few Crosses and went to the top. 
You mean: When you feel passionate, you know no limi 
For example, to catch dinner, you (concluded on page 166) 


PLAYBOY 


90 


NO HELP WANTED „ао page 80) 


"Accurate unemployment figures could be 50 per- 
cent to 300 percent higher than reported.” 


feature daily stories on what firings are 
planned by major employers. 

By the end of January, IBM, Boeing 
and Sears had announced the layoff of 
100,000 workers. In Washington, D.C. 
a new postmaster general took office 
and immediately announced a 40 рег- 
cent reduction in the district’s labor 
force. The Deutsche Bundespost, Ger- 
many's post office, plans to shed 34,000 
jobs by the end of the decade. Auto- 
matic sorting machines will take over 
most of the work. 

Plans such as these are often made 
to sound as if they were evidence of 
managerial skill: "United Technologies 
Corporation revealed a restructuring 
plan leading to a $1.1 billion cost re- 
duction by 1994," reads one report. 
“Тһе company expects to eliminate 
13,900 jobs, or seven percent of the 
worldwide work force, including a 12 
percent reduction in executive jobs." 
Apart from its decine in orders, UTC. 
has simply decided that its bottom line 
could be improved by streamlining op- 
erations. It will have no reason to bring 
many of these people back. And that's 
13,900 human beings, many of whom 
won't be good customers to anybody in 
the next few years. 

Тһе future impact of a case such as 
UTC is invariably ignored by analysts 
because the statistics will not show up. 
until the layoffs occur. In 1991 General 
Motors announced plans to trim 
74,000 people from its work force over 
several years. But the majority of those 
displaced people have yet to show up 
in government numbers. 

Perhaps the most dismaying truth is 
that unemployment is much greater 
than statistics show. Official figures 
omit discouraged former workers no 
longer recorded as part of the labor 
force, part-time workers who would 
like to work full time, those for whom 
unemployment insurance has run out, 
domestic or transient workers, school 
dropouts, persons in training pro- 
grams because they can't find jobs and. 
persons pressured into early retire- 
ment. Accurate unemployment figures 
could be 50 percent to 300 percent 
higher than reported. 

But will this streamlining of work 
forces and improving of bottom lines 
bring stronger companies and stronger 
economies? Initially, perhaps. But will 
that last when employed consumers 
are being turned into welfare recipi- 


ents? Even welfare is running out. 

It’s been argued that firings do not 
necessarily lessen the total amount of 
buying power in the world. Companies 
spend money, too, it is contended. 
What is not paid out in salaries is paid 
in dividends and in investment in more 
machinery. However, with a shrinking 
consumer base, there will be less need 
for new machines resulting in fewer 
total sales and smaller dividends. John 
Bregger, the Bureau of Labor Statis- 
tics’ key man on current employment 
analysis, cites Okun's Law (named for 
economist and presidential advisor 
Arthur Okun), which states that even a 
constant number of jobs creates more 
unemployment, since the population 
keeps growing. The gross domestic 
product has to increase two and a half 
percent a year to keep unemployment 
from worsening. 

A stagnant or shrinking economy 
means more firings. More people will 
have less buying power. If we stood 
consumers against a wall and machine- 
gunned them, we could not more sure- 
ly kill off the true source of new jobs. 

Who is responsible for permitting 
the simple arithmetic of labor costs to 
become an epidemic? There is more 
than enough blame to go around. If to- 
day we can criticize business manage- 
ment for its firing frenzy, we can blame 
organized labor for the years it passed 
up the chance to make itself a partner 
in a reasonable balance. That spurred 
the determined search for automation. 

Liberal politicians, too, joined with 
labor in pressing for a higher mini- 
mum wage. As they succeeded in win- 
ning these concessions for employees, 
they laid the groundwork for some of 
the workers’ worst future woes. The 
minimum wage climbed to where few 
companies wanted to employ a com- 
pletely unskilled teenager. The all-im- 
portant chance to get practical experi- 
ence and to build a career was denied 
to many future workers. In 1989 black 
youths in New York City had unem- 
ployment rates of up to 45.6 percent. 

As terrible inflation swept most ma- 
jor economies, labor again shot itself 
in the foot by being more aggressive 
about wage increases. The increasing 
cost of labor accelerated a search for 
ways to produce without people. La- 
bor's greatest competition—automated 
machinery—had seemed too costly up 
to that time. In the face of fat raises and 


fringe benefits, the previously prohibi- 
tive investment requirements did not 
seem so daunting and automation sud- 
denly became competitive with the 
workers. 

‘The pattern was set wherein most of 
the responses to our economic prob- 
lems are irrational or undesirable: 

* The number of unskilled jobs in 
which youths are apt to find first em- 
ployment is declining. A big part of the 
adult generation in coming decades 
will have little chance to learn work dis- 
cipline. Even the communist есопо- 
mies in eastern Europe—economies 
that claimed to have full employ- 
ment—were forced to admit that they 
were encountering similar problems in 
putting young workers into jobs. Those 
countries have been left with a lot 
of youths whose work attitudes seem 
deplorable to their supervisors. The 
problem, in short, goes beyond bor- 
ders and is not curable by ideologies. 

+ Women workers are more likely to 
be unemployed than men. This shows 
up wherever unemployment is highest. 
It seems to indicate how far the balance 
will tilt as joblessness worsens. 

* In new high-technology compa- 
nies that are outperforming the rest of 
our economy, the top jobs and salaries 
overwhelmingly go to male workers. 

® Big multinational companies, long 
regarded as a great force for tie cre- 
ation of jobs, turn out not to be. This 
should be no surprise. Such compa- 
nies tend to concentrate on ways to use 
a lot of machinery and relatively few 
workers. 

. 


Hopeless? Of course not. But how 
soon a solution begins to form depends 
оп when governments and the special 
interests behind them put aside their 
short-term agendas and act as if we 
all needed to reach a common good. 
When survival is at stake, the impossi- 
ble becomes the imperative. Nations 
are accustomed to adopting that kind 
ofattitude in wartime. 

There should be a labor-manage- 
ment pact, whether overt or tacit, to 
declare that there can be no winners 
or losers in this crisis. Only partners. 

Companies will need to demonstrate 
their leadership by recognizing that 
creating jobs is one of their major roles. 
New strategies for upgrading efficiency 
by blending automation with human 
labor should be part of management's 
duty. Such efficiency should be defined 
ав making finer goods, not just more 
of them. The ability to attract, train 
and hold productive people with rea- 
sonable compensation is a more re- 
sponsible skill than quick-fix job cuts 

(continued on page 162) 


“If there is reincarnation, Га like to come back as а Thigh Master.” 


91 


Ш 
HAT 


a lid to flip over 


fashion 


BY HOLLIS WAYNE 


HATSARE great accessories: They add 
polish 10 an outfit, shield you from 
the sun and, in Woody Allen's case, 
provide refuge from a critical world. 
‘This summer's soft-edged, drapable 
suits and sports jackets call for 
something light and spiffy—a Pan- 
ama fedora, for example, thats 
often handwoven in Ecuador from 
the straw of the jipijapa plant. But 
just as the wrong pair of shocs 
сап create a bad first impression, 50 
сап а goofy hat. Since your face is 
the focal point of conversation, your 
hat shouldn't speak louder than 
your words. Another tip to the wise: 
Always store a hat upside down so 
that the weight falls on the crown, 
not the brim. The idea is to look like 
Harrison Ford, not Gomer Pyle. 


This Panama fedora with a 2%" brim and 
grosgrain silk band is woven underwo- 
ter to retain pliability and con be rolled 
for travel, by Worth & Worth, $395. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES MEROGNO 


Where & How to Buy on page 171. 


94 


when you have deadly secrets, a trip to 
the shrink can be risky business 


FICTION BY 


LAWRENCE BLOCK 


KELLER’S 
THERAPY 


"1 HAD THIS DREAM,” Keller said. “Matter of fact, I 
wrote it down, as you suggested.” 

“Good.” 

Before getting on the couch, Keller had re- 
moved his jacket and hung it on the back of a 
chair. He moved from the couch to retrieve his 
notebook from the jacket's inside breast pocket, 
then sat on the couch and found the page with the 
dream on it. He read through his notes rapidly, 
closed the book and sat there, uncertain of how 
to proceed. 

“As you prefer,” said Breen. "Sitting up or lying 
down, whichever is more comfortable.” 

“It doesn't matter?" 

“Not to me." 

And which was more comfortable? A seated 
posture seemed natural for conversation, while 
lying down on the couch had the weight of tradi- 
tion on its side. Keller, who felt driven to give this 
his best shot, decided to go with tradition. He 
stretched out, put his feet up. 

He said, “I’m living in a house, except it's al- 
most like a castle. Endless passageways and doz- 
ens of rooms." 

“Is it your house?" 

“Мо, I just live here. In fact, I'm a kind of ser- 
vant for the family that owns the house. They're 
almost like royalty." 

"And you аге a servant.” 

“Except I have very little to do and I'm treated 
like an equal. I play tennis with members of the 
family. There's this tennis court in the back.” 

"And this is your job? To play tennis?" 

“No, that's an example of how they treat me as 
an equal. I eat at the same table with them, in- 
stead of with the servants. My job is the mice." 

"The mice?" 

“The house is infested with mice. Pm having 
dinner with the family, I've got a plate piled high 
with good food, and a waiter in black tie comes in 
and presents a covered dish. 1 lift the cover and 
there's a note on it, and it says, "Mice." 

“Just the single word?" 

“That's all. I get up from the table and follow 
the waiter down a long hallway, and I wind up in 
an unfinished room in the attic. There are tiny 
mice all over the room—there must be twenty or 


ILLUSTRATION BY KENT WILLIAMS. 


PLAYBOY 


86 


thirty of them—and 1 have to kill 
them." 

"How?" 

“Ву crushing them underfoot. That's 
the quickest and most humane way, but 
it bothers me and I don't want to do it. 
But the sooner I finish, the sconer I 
can get back to my dinner, and I'm 
hungry." 

“So you kill the mi 

“Yes,” Keller said. "One almost gets 
away, but I stomp on it just as it’s run- 
ning out the door. And then I'm back 
at the dinner table and everybody’s 
eating and drinking and laughing, and 
my plate's been cleared away. Then 
there's a big fuss, and finally they bring 
back my plate from the kitchen, but it's. 
not the same food as before. I's" 

NGC 

"Mice," Keller said. "They're 
skinned and cooked, but it’s a plateful 
of mice.” 

“And you eat them?” 

“That's when I woke up,” Keller 
said. “And not a moment too soon, 
Га say." 

“Ah,” Breen said. He was a tall man, 
long-limbed and gawky, wearing chi- 
nos, a dark-green shirt and a brown 
corduroy jacket. He looked to Keller 
like someone who had been a nerd in 
high school and who now managed to 
look distinguished in an eccentric sort 
of way. He said "Ah" again. folded his 
hands and asked Keller what he 
thought the dream meant. 

“You're the doctor,” Keller said. 

“You think it means I'm the doctor 

“No, I think you're the one who can 
say what it means. Maybe it just means 
I shouldn't eat Rocky Road ice cream 
right before 1 go to bed." 

“Tell me what you think the dream 
means." 

“Maybe I see myself as a cat.” 

"Or as an exterminator?" 

Keller didn’t say anything. 

"Let's work with this dream on a su- 
perficial level,” Breen said. "You're 
employed as a corporate troubleshoot- 
er, except that you use another word 
for it." 

“They tend to call us expediters,” 
Keller said, “but troubleshooter is what 
it amounts to.” 

“Most ofthe time there is nothing for 
you to do. You have considerable op- 
portunity for recreation, for living the 
. For tennis, as it were, and for 
nourishing yourself at the table of che 
rich and powerful. Then mice are dis- 
covered, and it is at once clear that you 
are a servant with a job to do." 

“I get it," Keller said. 

“Со on, then. Explain it to me." 

“Well, it's obvious, isn't it? There's a 
problem and I'm called in and I have 
to drop what I'm doing and go and 
deal with it. І Һауе to take abrupt, arbi- 


тағу action, and that can involve firing 
people and closing out entire depart- 
ments. I have to do it, but it's like step- 
ping on mice. And when I'm back at 
the table and I want my food—I sup- 
pose that’s my salary?” 

“Your compensation, yes.” 

"And I get a plate of mice.” Keller 
made a face. “In other words, what? 
My compensation comes from the de- 
struction of the people I have to cut 
adrift. My sustenance comes at their 
expense. So it's a guilt dream?” 

“What do you think?” 

“I think it’s guilt. My profit derives 
from the misfortunes of others, from 
the grief I bring to others. That's it, 
isn’t it? 

“On the surface, yes. When we go 
deeper, perhaps we will begin to dis- 
cover other connections. With your 
having chosen this job in the first place, 
perhaps, and with some aspects of your 
childhood.” He interlaced his fingers 
and sat back in his chair. “Everything is 
of a piece, you know. Nothing exists 
alone and nothing is accidental. Not 
even your name.” 

“My name?” 

“Peter Stone. Think about it, why 
don’t you, between now and our next 
session.” 

“Think about my name?” 

“About your name and how it suits 

And"—a reflexive glance at his 
wristwatch—"I'm afraid that our hour 
is up.” 


Jerrold Breen's office was on Central 
Park West at 94th Street. Keller walked 
to Columbus Avenue, rode a bus five 
blocks, crossed the street and hailed a 
taxi. He had the driver go through 
Central Park, and by the time he got 
out of the cab at 50th Street, he was 
reasonably certain he hadn't been fol- 
lowed. He bought coffee in a deli and 
stood on the sidewalk, keeping an eye 
open while he drank it. Then he 
walked to the building where he lived, 
on First Avenue between 48th and 
49th. It was a prewar high rise with an 
art deco lobby and an attended eleva- 
tor. “Ah, Mr. Keller,” the attendant said. 
“A beautiful day, y 

“Beautiful,” Keller agreed. 

Keller had a one-bedroom apart- 
ment on the 19th floor. He could look 
out his window and see the UN build- 
ing, the East River, the borough of 
Queens. On the first Sunday in No- 
vember he could watch the runners 
streaming across the Queensboro 
Bridge, just a couple of miles past the 
midpoint of the New York Marathon. 

It was a spectacle Keller tried not to 
miss. He would sit at his window for 
hours while thousands of them passed 
through his field of vision, first the 


world-class runners, then the middle- 
of-the-pack plodders and finally the 
slowest of the slow, some walking, some 
hobbling. They started in Staten Island 
and finished in Central Park, and all he 
saw was a few hundred yards of their 
ordeal as they made their way over the 
bridge and into Manhattan. The sight 
always moved him to tears, though he 
could not have said why. 

Maybe it was something to talk about 
with Breen. 

It was a woman who had led him to 
the therapist's couch, an aerobics in- 
structor named Donna. Keller had met 
her at the gym. They'd had a couple of 
dates and had been to bed a couple of 
times, enough to establish their sexual 
incompatibility. Keller still went to the 
same gym two or three times a week to 
raise and lower heavy metal objects, 
and when he ran into her, they were 
friendly. 

One time, just back from a trip some- 
where, he must have rattled on about 
what a nice town it was. “Keller,” she 
id, “if there was ever a born New 
Yorker, you're it. You know that, don’t 
you?” 

“I suppose so." 

"But you always have this fantasy of 
living the good life in Elephant, Mon- 
tana. Every place you go, you dream 
up a whole life to go with it." 

“Is that bad?" 

"Who's saying it’s bad? But I bet you 
could have fun with it in therapy.” 

“You think I need to be in therapy?" 

“I think you'd get a lot out of thera- 
ру,” she said. "Look, you come here, 
right? You climb the stair monster, you 
use the Nautilus.” 

"Mostly free weights." 

“Whatever. You don't do this because 
you're a physical wreck.” 

“| do it to stay in shape. So?” 

"So I see you as closed in and trying 
to reach out,” she said. “Going all over 
the country, getting real estate agents 
to show you houses that you're not 
going to buy." 

"That was only a couple of times. 
And what's so bad about it, anyway? It 
passes the time." 

“You do these things and don't know 
why,” she said. "You know what thera- 
py is? It’s an adventure, it's a voyage of 
discovery And its like going to the 
gym. Look, forget it. The whole thing's 
pointless unless you're interested." 

“Maybe I'm interested,” he said. 

Donna, not surprisingly, was in ther- 
ару herself. But her therapist was a 
woman, and they agreed that he'd be 
more comfortable working with a man 
Her ex-husband had been very fond of 
his therapist, a West Side psychologist 
named Breen. Donna had never met 
the man, and she wasn't on the best of 

(continued on page 152) 


ы 


{ 


97 


“The sky looks blue because your protective lenses are tinted, dear.” 


98 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD [ZU 


No longer content with a PC 
on every desk, the electron- 
ics giants are ushering in a 
new generation of technolo- 
gy aimed at getting all of us 
to use computers—no matter 
who or where we are. Inter- 
estingly, (һе industry’s secret 
weapon is older than me- 
dieval manuscripts or Egyp- 
tian scribbles: It is the pen. 
Instead of a keyboard, this 
breed of handheld computers 
uses a stylus (or pen) as an 
input device. Some of these 
computers serve as simple 
pocket appointment books, 
while others are sophisticated 
machines that will let you 


(continued on page 164) 


from the 
Apple Newton 
to the EO, 
pen-based 
computers are 
a stroke 


of genius 


The 
Write 
Mul 


article 


By DAVID ELRICH 


By combining the power of 
a pen-based computer, с 
cellular phone, o fax mo- 
chine and a madem, the 
handheld EO Personal 
Communicator B80 allows 
you to keep in touch with 
friends and colleagues— 
anytime, anywhere. The 
four-Ib. device, which can 
translate handprinted words 
into type, is also capable 
of staring ond sending 
messoges іп script—for 
truly personal commu- 
nications—about $4000, 
including cellular phone. 


Maybe іп order to understand 
mankind we have to look at the 
word itself. Mankind. Basically, It’s 
made up of two separate words— 
“mank” and "ind." What do these 
words mean? It’s a mystery, and 
that’s why so is mankind. 


Children need encouragement. If a 
kid gets an answer right, tell him it 
was a lucky guess. That way, he de 
velops a good, lucky feeling. 


The crows seemed to be calling 
his name, thought Caw. 


When you die, if you get a choice 
between going to regular heaven or 
pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It 
might be a trick, but if it’s not, 
mmmm, boy. 


Whether they ever find life there or 
not, | think Jupiter should be consid- 
ered an enemy planet. 


Probably the earliest flyswatters 
were nothing more than some sort 
of striking surfece attached to the 
end of a long stick. 


мд. 


more penetrating wisdom from 
saturclay night live's resident philosopher 


Deeper Thoughts 
By Jack Handey 


Instead of trying to build newer 
and bigger weapons of destruction, 
we should be thinking about getting 
more use out of the weapons we al- 
ready have. 


I think a good gift for the President 
would be a chocolate revolver. And 
since he's so busy, you'd probably 
have to run up to him real quick and 
hand it to him. 


Dad thought laughter was the best 
medicine, which | guess was why 
several of us died of tuberculosis. 


Just because swans mate for life, | 
don't think it's that big of a deal. 
First of all, if you're a swan, you're 
probably not going to find a swan 
that looks that much better than the 
one you've got, so why not mate 
for life? 


If you're robbing a bank and your 
pants suddenly fall down, | think 
it's OK to laugh and to let the 
hostages laugh too, because, come 
оп, life is funny. 


If you ever catch on fire, try to 
avoid seeing yourself in a mirror, be- 
cause | bet that's what really throws 
you into a panic. 


Sometimes I think I'd be better off 
dead. No, wait. Not me, you. 


I can't stand cheap people. It 
makes me real mad when someone 
says something like, “Hey, when are 
you going to pay me that hundred 
dollars you owe me?” or “Do you 
have that fifty dollars you Бог- 
rowed?” Man, quit being so cheap! 


| think the mistake а lot of us 
make is thinking the state-appointed 
psychiatrist is our friend. 


Love is not something that you 
can put chains on and throw into a 
lake. That's called Houdini. Love Is 
liking someone a lot. 


| think one way police depart- 
ments could make some money 
would be to hold a yard sale of mur- 
der weapons. Many people, for ex- 
ample, could probably use a cheap 
ice pick. 


If you ever reach total enlighten- 
ment while drinking a beer, | bet it 
makes beer shoot out of your nose. 


| believe in making the world safe 
for our children, but not for our chil- 


dren's children, because | don't 
think children should be having sex. 


How come the dove gets to be the 
peace symbol? How about the pil- 
low? It has more feathers than the 
dove, and it doesn’t have that dan- 
gerous beak. 


Even though | wes their captive, 
the Indians allowed me quite a bit of 
freedom. | could walk about freely, 
make my own meals and even hurl 
large rocks at their heads. It was on- 
ly later that | discovered they were 
not Indians at all but dirty-clothes 
hampers. 


| wish outer-space guys would 
conquer Earth and make people 
their pets, because I'd like to have 
one of those little basket-beds with 
my name on it. 


It's true that every time you hear 
a bell, an angel gets his wings. But 
what they don't tell you is that every 
time you hear a mousetrap snap, an 
angel gets set on fire. 


If you're in a war, instead of throw- 
ing a hand grenade at some guys, 
throw one of those little baby-type 
pumpkins. Maybe it'll make every- 
one think of how crazy war is, and 
while they're thinking, you can 
throw a real grenade. 


| hope life isn't a big joke, because 
| don't get it. 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BOS WC. 


102 


miss may, elke jeinsen, is а real deutsch treat 


HE, ELKE URERA 


LKE JEINSEN admits she is 

“a litle bit famous” in 
Hanover, Germany. Which is 
like saying a BMW is fairly 
good on the autobahn. In 
both cases, of course, the se- 
cret is high performance. 
Through hard work and per- 
severance, Miss May translat- 
ed her natural beauty into an 
international modeling career. Representing various Ger- 
man sportswear, swimwear апа Unterwear companies, she 
has graced scenery from Mexico to the Maldives in the In- 
dian Ocean, from Spain to Greece to Canada, where she 
worked in Calgary during the 1988 Olympics. Elke's first 
career move was а lark. When she was 15 years old, she en- 
tered a modeling contest sponsored by a German teen 
magazine. At the time, her main interests were horseback 
riding and boys. She thought she'd probably learn a pro- 
fession one day, but she hadr't given it much thought. 
“Then she won the contest. “They chose me out of five hun- 
dred girls for a photo shoot in Munich,” she says. Two 
years later she landed a modeling job in New York. "That 
was the first time a photographer told me, “Hey, you have 


talent.” So I thought, OK, I 
can do this.” Tah-LENT, as Elke 
charmingly pronounces it, 
earned her the title of Miss 
Hanover in 1985. She was 
working as a secretary—the 
profession she had trained 
for afier graduating from 
high school. She quit. Soon 
абет, she appeared as а Play- 
mate in Playboy Germany. “The local newspaper devoted an 
entire page to me. So in Hanover I'm a little bit famous, 
you know?" In the media blitz that followed, Bunny Elke. 
as the papers dubbed her, posed with local notables and 
caught the eye of deutsch admen. As a result, she worked as 
much as she wanted. She lived in Milan for a year while 
starring in a variety show on Italian TV. While there, she 
learned Italian. Last summer, Elke came to America to 
model German sportswear in the Grand Canyon and Las 
Vegas. When the job was done, she headed west. “I had 
five days free and I thought, Los Angeles is close to Las Уе- 
gas. Why not go and see?" Since then she has been back 
five times, spending most of the autumn and winter im- 
proving her English in the photo studios and nightclubs of 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


L.A. “I learned formal 
English in school," she 
says. Elke hopes to pursue 
an acting career in a few 
years, after she perfects 
her English. “When I first 
came here, I didn't under- 
stand anything. Now I un- 
derstand ninety percent. 
When I speak, maybe my 
grammar isn’t correct, but 
everybody understands.” 
The palmy West Coast wel- 
comed Elke with an open 
checkbook. "I didn't know 
that Americans like Euro- 
pean girls. That must be 
true because I get a lot of. 
jobs here. Even though the 
money is better in Europe, 
1 really enjoy working in 
the U.S. Everyone here із 
so friendly and free, and 
everything is so new. The 
only thing I don't like 
is that nightclubs close at 
two o'clock. In Spain they 
open at two A.M. and stay 
open until ten." Elke has 
kept a small apartment in 
Hanover, near the building 
where her parents, an auto 
mechanic and a secretary, 
live next door to her 
brother, who owns a tan- 
ning salon. When she's 
home, she likes to visit with 
her family and friends and 
to ride her two horses— 
she's been riding since 
she was 12—which she sta- 
bles outside the city. Sound 


Elke likes the nightlife. "But 
when ! am in nightclubs here 
in the U.S., men walk up to 
те and ask, "Where are you 
from? Are you from Europe?" 
1 wonder how they know 
where I'm from. Do | look like 
1 come from another planet?” 


She moy look like the pick of the West Coost 
crop—o blue-eyed blonde with sun-kissed 
skin—but Elke's tastes are refreshingly old- 
world. She likes chocolote for breokfost ("1 
eat it every morning") and beef fillets for 
dinner. And don't lock for her swaddled in 
spondex ot o trendy health club. When she's 
not on the road modeling, she bodybuilds. 
Grudgingly, though. "I don't like it. I'm lozy.” 


108 


bucolic? Elke views her newly united homeland unsentimentally. “I miss my family and 1 miss my 


animals,” she says, musically accenting аһп-ее-млніѕ. “That's it.” In Germany she zips around in 
her BMW cabriolet, topping 200 kilometers per hour on the autobahn. That's about 125 mph, 
sports fans. “Here you can't even drive a hundred.” She means kilometers—that’s more than 60 
mph. No, you can't. Tooling the Los Angeles freeways, the fair-haired Fräulein squirms in her seat. 
“I have the feeling I could walk faster.” — MARIAN BRUCE 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


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mem: 5'S 4" uem B 
BIRTH DATE: 7— 25- 66 BIRTHPLACE: over 
AMBITIONS: to mowe to L.H, a 
Exi 4 TV? Movies 2 ШЕ 
TURN-ONS: Б N horseback Tidina dancing, 
salt с ab i in № CHO Sie 


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people 


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pen ple. wa Peach their money and 
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PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Doctor, you have to help me!” came the fran- 
tic phone call to the psychiatrist. “Му husband 
thinks that he's in an opera. He sings night 
and day at the top of his lungs and he's driving 
me crazy!” 

“Send him to me first thing in the morning,” 
the shrink said. 

A week later, the wife called again. “I don't 
know how you did it,” she said gratefully, “but 
Charlie's barely singing anymore. Did you 
сиге his delusion?” 

"Not exactly," the psychiatrist replied. "I just 
gave him a much smaller part." 


А New York City commuter got off at his sub- 
way stop and immediately caught sight of a 
homeless man with two upturned hats in front 
of him. 

“What's with the two hats?” he asked. 

“I wanted to try some venture capitalism," 
the down-and-out fellow replied, "so I opened 
a franchise." 


While іп bed with her lover, the woman sud- 
denly heard her husband at the front door. 
"Quick," she whispered. “Sprinkle this flour 
over you and pretend that you're a statue." 

“Hi, honey. What's this?" her husband asked 
as he entered the bedroom. 

"It's our new statue,” she explained. “The 
Smiths bought one last week and I thought it 
would be nice if we had one, too.” 

Late that night the husband got up, went to 
the kitchen, made a sandwich and poured a 
glass of milk. He walked up to the statue and 
said, “Here, eat something. | stood like an 
idiot for three days at the Smiths’, and not a 
single son of a bitch offered me even a glass 
of water.” 


А half dozen interns followed the doctor dur- 
ing her hospital rounds. When she came to the 
radiology department, the doctor pointed to a 
particular X ray mounted on a light box. “As 
you can sce,” she said, “this patient limps be- 
cause his left fibula and tibia are radically 
arched. Hayes, what would you do in a case 
like this?” 

“Well,” the student reasoned, “I suppose Га 
limp, too.” 


A recent college graduate was applying for a 
job as a photojournalist at a local newspaper 
when he came upon this question on the appli- 
cation: “You have the choice of saving a 
drowning man or taking a Pulitzer Prize-wi 
ning photo. What type of film would you use: 


Old Luke lived so far out in the wilderness 
that he rarely saw another human. One day he 
spotted a rider approaching his cabin in a 
cloud of dust. “Howdy,” the rider said as he 
came to a stop. “I'm Chester, your neighbor. I 
live about forty miles north. I'm wondering if 
you'd come to my party a week from now. 
‘There'll be some drinkin’, some dancin’, some 
singin’, some fightin’ and some fuckin 

“Hell, man, sounds like my kind of party,” 
Luke said. "What can I bring and how many's 
comin'?" 

"Neighbor," Chester answered, "don't worry 
about nothin’. It's just gonna be you and me.” 


А Marine sergeant watched one particularly 
inept recruit go nearly scoreless on the firing 
range. "Patterson," he said, pulling the baby- 
faced private aside, "care for a little advice?" 
"You bet I do, Sarge," the eager trainee 
replied. 
"Keep your bayonet sharp." 


ar 


The lone survivor of a plane crash in a remote 
jungle region stumbled around for hours look- 
ing for help. Suddenly, he was surrounded by 
hundreds of spear-wielding savages. Oh, God, 
I'm fucked, he thought. 

“Мо, you're not fucked,” a voice thundered 
from above. 

“Who’s that?” the man said, looking wildly 
about him. 

“1 am God,” the voice replied. "Listen to Ме 
carefully. Grab a weapon from the one who is 
next to you and run it through the heart ofthe 
chief.” 

The man did as he was told. The chief fell 
dead in a pool of blood. “And now what?” the 
man asked. 

“Now you're fucked!" 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to ihe contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


a 


m i 
“SR 7 
eb 
= wu 
coh \ 
= ! 
T fiom | of 
M k 
! ты | 
4 ^ 1 


КІ! 


“Oh, hell! My wife has hacked into my personal data file.” 


116 


СІОРСІО АРМАМІ 


errari. Maserati. Lamborghini. Armani. 

The last marque debuted in 1975, when 
Milan fashion designer Giorgio Armani in- 
troduced a new kind of men's jacket. Its hall- 
marks were relaxed tailoring and soft fab- 
rics. Armani’s wrinkle was to eliminate the 
canvas lining of the suit jacket so that it 
would drape the body more comfortably. The 
new jacket was designed for what Armani 
termed “less formal times.” The traditional 
men's uniform—the three-button Ivy League 
suit—faced real competilion. 

During the Eighties, Armani's designs 
took men’s fashion by storm, Men discovered 
that his clothes were comfortable and that 
they gave them a feeling of self-assurance. 
They spoke of hanging an Armani in their 
closet in much the same way they talked 
about parking a BMW in their garage. The 
Armani look has become synonymous with 
contemporary clothing and the ascendancy 
of Italian fashion. His designs for both sexes 
are elegant but not flashy. When his subdued 
colors were once described as muddy, Ar- 
тала took it as a compliment. 

Armani did not learn to sew at his moth- 
er's knee. After trying med school and pho- 
tography, he took а job as a depariment-store 
window dresser and worked his way up lo 
menswear buyer. He struck out on his own as 
a designer. Legend has it that he and a part- 
ner launched the Armani label with capital 
raised from the sale of a Volkswagen. That 
investment netted a good return. Forbes 
magazine notes that in 1990 consumers 
spent $1.6 billion on Armani merchandise. 
And he owns his company outright. 

Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker 
met the designer at his palazzo in Milan. 
One of Armani's assistants served as his in- 
terpreter. But, Kalbacker reports, “Armants 
expressive face and hands, and his laughter, 
propel his opinions beyond any language 
barrier. And the espresso at Via Borgonuovo 
21 is terrific." 


ik 


PLAYBOY: Did you invent the sports 
jacket or does it just seem that way? 
ARMANI: The jacket is my signature, the 
first thing 1 wanted to do. I invented a 
type of sports jacket that’s relaxed, in- 
formal, less stiff. The suits I designed 
for Richard Gere to wear in American 
Gigolo marked the beginning оға new 
way of dressing in America and Italy. 
The body moved casier in a suit made 
of soft fabrics. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: What was wrong with clothing: 
before you came on the scene? 


ARMANI: Sports jackets in the Fifties 
were square, boxy and rigid. It didn't 
look like there was a body underneath. 
And the sensuality of men in the Fifties 
and Sixties was precise. The Latin look 
was considered sexy: the open shirt, 
the hairy chest and the gold chain. Fac- 
tories sprung up in Italy that could 
produce a technically perfect jacket. 
Constructed. Formal. Rigid. Shaped. 
Perfect seams. They turned out the 
jackets like cars—they all looked the 
same. My jackets were a reaction to 
these. I wanted to make suits look like 
they'd been done by a tailor. The intel- 
ligent man doesn’t like to go out and 
buy himself new clothes. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: You're a fan of Cary Grant 
and Humphrey Bogart and you’ve 
even acknowledged the influence of 
Raiders of the Lost Ark. What is it with 
Giorgio Armani and the movies? 
ARMANI: My inspiration has come large- 
ly from American films of the Forties. 
These films came to Italy after the war, 
when І was young. People in these 
films had a special kind of elegance. 
They wore jackets that had obviously 
been made by hand and were imper- 
fect in some way. The jackets did not 
look mass-produced. My costume de- 
signs for The Untouchables were an at- 
tempt to bring back this look. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Italian design is renowned. 
Does every Italian grow up wanting to 
create cars or clothes? 

ARMANI: I didn’t want to go into fash- 
ion. But design is in our history, dating 
from the fantastic Italian artisans ofthe 
Renaissance. Their workmanship was 
so sophisticated and beautiful. You're 
born with it and it’s something you 
grow up with. You see that beauty in- 
side any building in any town in Italy. 
Fashion wasn't something I ever con- 
sidered. But I had precise ideas of what 
I wanted to wear and I could never 
fnd them. Certain basic types of 
dothes existed in America after the war 
that didn’t exist in Italy. And I wanted 
a black turtleneck and a red-and-white 
checked shirt. 


52 


PLAYBOY: You spent two years in med- 
ical school. If you hadn't coveted the 
black turtleneck and checked shirt, 
would you be Giorgio Armani, M.D.? 


ARMANI In typical middle-class Italian 
families at that time, one son became a 
lawyer, another went into medicine. 1 
was genuinely interested in medicine, 
so it wasn't something I was forced 
into. But I was nineteen or twenty, and 
it was not a time when I was thinking 
about what I was going to do in life. 1 
used to do life drawings and take pho- 
tos. I was interested in the form of the 
human body, whether it was something 
to cure or something to dress. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: You've claimed that the sight 
of Lauren Hutton, Julia Roberts and 
Michelle Pfeiffer inspires you to dress 
them. Is it our lack of sartorial imagi- 
nation when that trio inspires a differ- 
ent reaction in us? 

arman: [Laughs] It’s my job to dress 
people. 


7. 


PLAYBOY: Why are your women’s clothes 
much more subdued in color and 
much less revealing than the couture 
offered by other designers? 

ARMANI: When I design, I'm trying to 
make a woman sexy. І see a woman as 
sexy when she's covered from head to 
toc. My contemporaries are designing 
clothes so that women parade around 
wearing nothing. Га feel ridiculous 
doing that. A sensual woman is not 
a woman who is showing her breasts or 
her bottom. It's difficult for а woman 
with a big chest 


Sema mos {he reigning 
woman is con- doge of men’s 


veyed by the way 
that she looks at 
something, the 
way she looks at 
you, the way she 


fashion 
explains why 


moves her hand. We shouldn't 

A woman should 

make a man un- undress 

derstand that z 

what she wearsis WOMEN with 

very much her 

own, not just OUr eyes and 

something she's 

flung on. She has asserts the 

to be secure іп y. 

what she wears. Ше IS always 
Sh optional 


PLAYBOY: Do men 
make a (contin- 
ued on page 167) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JULIAN BROAD 


LNT AG E II EGS 


PEEKABOO ART THAT'S 
WORTH A SECOND GLANCE 


MERICANS ARE a nostalgic lot. We build Fifties din- 
ers, restore classic cars and snap up vintage 
clothing. Just try to find one of these ties, for ex- 
ample. Designed in the Forties (above) and early Fifties (op- 
posite page), they're called nudies and are among the 
hottest collectibles around. Tie procurer Ron Spark, who 
owns these and about 2000 other styles, co-wrote the book 


on the collectible-tie trend, Fit to Be Tied (Abbeville Press). 
are a way for men to express their state of mind,” says 
Spark. “Optimism was in high gear when these models were 
designed and it is today, roo." Beyond that, vintage neck- 
ties are fun—and often a profitable investment. A tie that 
cost $6 in 1940 sells for about $60 now, and rarer ones, such 
as those designed by Salvador Dali, are worth thousands. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


120 


Playboy’s 
1993 


sports by Kevin Cook 


THE HORROR! Somebody call 
911. Baseball is a goner. The 
stitches are coming loose. 


Тһе old pastime, clearly past 
its time, may limp through 


one more year, but that's about it. After this year, when 
television pulls the plug on $1.2 billion worth of life 
support, the future fades to black. The next TV deal 
will be far smaller, not nearly enough to keep the 
game alive. 

Some teams have already given up the ghost. The 
Padres performed last rites on themselves, trading an 
All-Star shortstop for two cheap Mets uniforms to save 
$2 million, and mothballed their office Christmas tree 
to save $40. The once-proud Yankees and Dodgers are 
downsizing their farm systems to 
save a few salaries that wouldn't buy 
Barry Bonds' lunch. 

Attendance is down (if only slight- 
ly) expenses are up. Ticket prices 
are too high and games are too 
long, alienating fans who like NFL 
and NBA action better anyway. The 
game's hottest young celeb, Deion 
Sauders, is а wooulighting football 
player. And the national pastime's 
champion is a foreign team. We 
tried to prevent it, displayed the 
Canadian flag upside down at the 
World Series, but Toronto still beat 
America's team. 

Mamas, sign up your babies for 
soccer. That's a game with a future. 
Baseball has a grand past, beloved 
by all, and no tomorrow. 

But hold the phone. Maybe there's 
a light at the end of the clubhouse 
tunnel. Major-league owners say it's 
a locomotive—the engine of doom, fu- 
eled by zillion-dollar salaries—but they've been whin- 
ing about that for 20 years. There is still another year 
of TV money, $401 million of it, enough to pay half 
the total major-league payroll without a single dime 
from ticket sales, local TV, souvenirs, hot dogs or beer. 

Some clubs are hurting, but some former door- 
mats—hello, Houston and Cleveland—have spent 
their money well and are now contenders. They can't 
print tickets fast enough. Neither can two new teams 
in rich new markets, the Colorado Rockies and the 
Florida Marlins, which paid $95 million each to join 
the party. That's $190 million more for the poor own- 
ers’ cupboard. And salaries are bound to drop when 
the TV gold decreases (or else owners who overpay 
will lose money, like bad businessmen should). 

Auendance dropped last year. It was down six 


in the 
pastime’s 
darkest 


days, we 
see light 


at the end 
of the 

clubhouse 
tunnel 


tenths of a percent from the all-time high of 1991, a 
loss of 310,000 fans. But the Mets and Dodgers, who 
spent their money wrong and finished a combined 59 
games out of first place, lost 1.1 million fans all by 
themselves. Elsewhere, attendance was steady; it will 
set a new record in 1993, unless there’s another giant 
sucking sound from Flushing and Chavez Ravine. 

And while it’s true that the game needs more Deion- 
style neon, there’s plenty already if you know where to 
look. Sanders shines brighter legging out a triple, 
grinning all the way, than hidden in a football helmet. 
No offense to Michael and Shaq, but Kirby's got 
back—210 pounds of pocket-popping pinstripes— 
and he hits, runs, fields and throws, while they just 
dribble and dunk. Roger Clemens, painting the cor- 
ners of the plate, makes NFL quarterbacks look like 
scatter-armed shot-putters. No other jock runs like 

Marquis Grissom, vaults walls like De- 
von White, poses in midperfection 
like Bonds or Will Clark, or sees 

Madonna like Jose Canseco. 

The national game’s champion is 
a Canadian club. On the other 
hand—and according to Boston's 
ambidextrous pitcher Greg Harris, 
there’s always another hand—that is 
a temporary horror. This year the 
reign of Toronto falls on the grass of 
Adanta, where the Braves will win 
the 1993 World Series. 

On the other other hand, perhaps 
foshballs will fly from my butt. 

The foshball is a mutant change- 
up-forkball thrown by Colorado ace 
David Nied. I think Nied will lose 
20 games, spraining his neck as he 
spins to watch the home runs he al- 
lows vanish into Denver's thin air, 
Of course, he could also fosh the 
Braves on October 3, the regular 
season's final day, and prevent their 

rematch with Toronto. 

As I hazard these guesses, there is snow in Toronto. 
The suicidal Padres haven't yet traded Bruce Hurst 
for a batboy. The Braves haven't settled on a closer 
(Jay Howell?), the Blue Jays need a setup man (Paul 
Assenmacher?) and a third baseman (Ed Sprague?) 
Baseball's owners haven't yet named a Muppet to be 
the game's new commissioner. There's a chance they 
will lock out the players this spring. But since a lock- 
out requires that the owners' foolishness outpaces 
their greed, let's suppose the season starts on time. 
Greg Maddux shuts out his old Cubs teammates on 
opening day for the Braves' first step toward revenge 
on Toronto, to be served cold in October. 

Rich clubs such as Atlanta and Toronto now have far 
more options than their competitors. Last fall the 


ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y CRAFT 


PLAYBOY 


122 


Braves hired all-time saves leader Jeff 


Reardon to plug their leaky bullpen 
and the Jays acquired David Cone for 
their pennant drive. The trend contin- 
ued in the off-season: Atlanta's signing 
of Maddux for a piece of Ted Turner's 
superstation fortune completed the 
best starting staff this side of Coopers- 
town. Thus do the rich get richer, while 
the Padres, Pirates and Brewers turn 
to dust. 

The rehabbed Reds and Astros are 
healthy enough to stay close in the NL 
West, but when Murphy's Law comes 


AL EAST 
1. Blue Jays 
2. Orioles 
3. Yankees 
4. Indians 
5. Red Sox 
6. Brewers 
7. Tigers 


NL EAST 
1. Cardinals 


Marlins 


AL CHAMPS: Blue Jays 
NL CHAMPS: Braves 
WORLD CHAMPS: Braves 
AAA E oc | 


calling, they'll have a lot more trouble 
patching holes than the Braves, who 
are as deep as the Mariana Trench. 
The NL East ought to be a fairer 
fight. The Expos are young and strong 
with a Aame-flinging bullpen and a 
graybeard ace, Dennis Martinez. Pitts- 
burgh, dispersed like a puff from man- 
ager Jim Leyland's cigarette, is now 
passive smoke. The Mets, behind start- 
er Bret Saberhagen—a lock for Come- 
back Player of the Year—are 15 games 
better than last season's 72-90, but 
I'll take St. Louis. The Cardinals have 


AL WEST 
1. Athletics 
2. White Sox 
3. Royals 
4. Rangers 
5. Twins 
6. Mariners 
7. Angels 


NL WEST 
1. Braves 
2. Reds 
3. Astros 
4. Giants 
5. Dodgers 
6. Padres 
7. Rockies 


an MVP candidate in Ray Lankford, 
a rookie named Canseco (Jose's twin 
brother. Ozzie). a terrific no-name 
pitching staff and Lee Smith, hobbling 
to the mound to nail down 45 saves and 
pass Reardon as history's top savior. 

In the American League, Oakland is 
the best in a slipping West. Two West- 
ern clubs are changing their uniforms: 
The Angels return to a Sixties look but 
won't approach their 84-77 record of 
the summer of love, while the A's will 
wear an angry, bat-chewing elephant. 
Choose anger over love. Even with 
Ruben Sierra's failing to fill Canseco's 
spikes, Oakland is 95 games better 
than the Angels—enough to edge the 
White Sox by a trunk. 

In the East, only the Orioles сап fly 
with the Jays, who replaced Series hero 
Dave Winfield with a better DH, Paul 
Molitor. Cleveland's Indians have been 
built from the ground up in four years, 
just like the fine new park they vill oc- 
cupy in 1994. Still, when the Jays need 
a pitcher in August to hold off the O's, 
they'll rent one for a million a month 
and rule the roost again. 

The Jays' second baseman, Roberto 
Alomar, begins his third Toronto sca- 
son as a prime MVP candidate. Ditto 
Chicago's Frank Thomas and Ranger 
J. Canseco, who will gain as much from 
hitting in Arlington Stadium as Sierra 
suffers in pitcher-friendly Oakland. 
Тһе NL MVP will be a center fielder: 
Expo Grissom, St. Louis’ Lankford or 
the Reds’ Roberto Kelly. 

Clemens should win the AL Cy 
Young award every year. Heave an NL 
Cy to any member of the Atlanta rota- 
tion, Montreal's Martinez, Cincinnati's 
Jose Rijo, Astro Doug Drabek or the 
Cardinal sophomore sleeper Rheal 
Cormier. Rookies of the Year? Expos 
shortstop Wil Cordero and Angels 
outfielder Tim Salmon. 

Two other rookies, the NEs Col- 
orado Rockies and Florida Marlins, will 
endure a bloody birth. The carnage! 
Тһе other owners surrendered little 
more than sore arms and spare parts in 
November's expansion draft, so the 
Pebbles and the Fish are sure to stink. 
They'll finish last in their divisions, 
though they may scare some sense into 
the sixth-place Padres and Phillies. 
Colorado looks better for this season. 
But Florida, having wisely decided to 
build for the long term, has a chance to 
party in the postseason by 1999. The 
Rockies, in а vain effort to win 75 
games in 1993, risk an avalanche of 
losses that could last a decade. 

Next year's shortage of TV riches is 
bound to send the owners into a pan- 
ic. That means gimmicks. Before long 
the leagues will probably realign into 
three divisions each, bringing wild-card 

(continued on page 140) 


> 


ӨНЕР; A 
“Now that you've taught me how to enjoy my body, I think 
ПІ start fooling around.” 


- 


LITERARY LICENSE 


CALIFORNIA HAS ALMOST 2 million vanity license plates registered with the state's motor-vehicles bureau. The explosion of 
words on wheels inspired Los Angeles commuter, writer and sel£anointed platchead Daniel Nussbaum to fantasize about 
cars on the highways bearing readable tags forming sentences from famous stories. With California's mammoth three- 
volume directory of vanity tags as his thesaurus and using each plate only once, here's what Nussbaum imagines. 


THE LEFT COAST HAS ITS PLATES FULL 


EEC] OF NOVEL IDEAS 
MOBYDIK 


DIR 


BY MICHAEL ANGELI 


E DINE AMONG the rustle of tailored jack- 

cts and the sculpted sheen of Cristophe- 
styled hair. Everyone within complimenting 
distance of the Paramount commissary is 
dressed to kill, everyone with the exception of 
Adrian Lyne, who dresses like a poet on a 
binge, in a pullover that looks as itchy as a 
coral reef. He is Lord Byron among the indus- 
try guerrillas, and he writes poetry this town 
loves: the highly profitable kind. Flashdance 
and Fatal Attraction were runaway hits. The di- 
rector's eyes, cooked to the color of rhubarb by 
the nitrogen-dioxide-rich Los Angeles air and 
long days in the editing room, drift across the 
table to my plate. 

“Yours is better than mine, you lucky stiff,” 
he says. “You got the patty melt.” The lines of 
his deep smile share the contours of a Mébius 
strip—its hard to tell where the joy takes up 
and the agony ends. Food suddenly becomes 
the last thing on his mind as his current pre- 
occupation intrudes again. 

“I'm busy seven days a week. I have four ed- 
itors—five, with a music editor. I'm quite up 
about it this week, actually. Last week I was 
about to shoot myself. This film, I have good 
people, really good actors. If something gets 
fucked up, it's totally my fault and there's no 
excuse.” 

The source of this angst is /ndecent Proposal, 
Lyne's widely anticipated sixth film. Scheduled 
to be released in April, Indecent Proposal is the 
tale of a married couple (Demi Moore and 
Woody Harrelson) in Las Vegas. A wealthy 
stranger, played by Robert Redford, approach- 
es them with an intriguing, though seemingly 


(ӨЛІ I 


absurd, proposition: $1 million in exchange for one night with Demi. 
Husband and wife mull over the proposal. “It’s not my soul, it's not my 
heart,” Moore's character rationalizes, “it’s only my body. We can make a 
big deal out of this and walk away and feel principled, or we can look at it 
as a business thing.” 

‘The price of poker, as the man said, just went up. 

“I think it’s an interesting idea, and I was always drawn to it—whether 

not you'll sleep with someone for a million dollars,” Lyne maintains 
"s the kind of idea that gets people talking when they come out of the 
theater and everybody disagrees. I got the impression that people would 
more willingly be given a contract to blow someone away anonymously— 
someone they didn’t know—than they would to fuck somebody for a mil- 
lion dollars. That is kind of bizarre, you know?” 

Also on the peculiar side is how far the 51-year-old Lyne has come to 
hold sway in L.A. “I’m from London, yeah, but I hate the English. I hate 
England and I hate being there. It's a depressing place full of depressing 
people. The people are always moaning and never fucking doing any- 
thing about it. Then they're all over anybody like myself who had the hap- 
py chance to get out.” 

There exists the possibility that Lyne's greatest incentive for leaving 
home had something to do with the company he kept: The first happy 
breed of men he worked with were accountants. 

“I was a bean counter for about a year after school,” he recalls. “I had 
passed my math and I was overjoyed.” His parents helped him land a job 
at the company of a family friend, where his queasy nearness to balance 
sheets and comptrollers’ memos was buffered by his fortunate proximity 
to the building across the street. 

"It was a department store called Peter Jones,” he says. “Kind of like the 
Broadway or Saks. The whole row of ladies’ dressing rooms faced our win- 
dows and they had no curtains. For about a year, everybody from the se- 
nior partner on down would bring binoculars. Hysterical. And that's all 
anybody ever did. You’d get a phone call from somebody and he'd alert 
you: “Terrific in number five.’ Then опе sad day, one of those fucking 
tragic days, they frosted over the glass.” Lyne is known to find sex in 
strange places. 

He moved on to shoot TV commercials, working with such future 
British movie directors as Tony and Ridley Scott and Alan Parker. Like 
his pals, Lyne moved to Los Angeles. In 1980, his first year in town, he 
would direct his first feature film, Foxes, starring Sally Kellerman and a 


ADRIAN LYNE, THE DEVILISH CONJURER BEHIND 9 1/2 WEEKS AND FATAL ATTRACTION, 


MAKES AN INDECENT PROPOSAL: HOW MUCH FOR ONE NIGHT WITH DEMI 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAUD LEVINE 


MOORE? 


Nm 2 
Y 
ШТ 
y 
Ki - 
M 
N 
EN 
D 
> hr 


PLAYBOY 


128 


16-ycar-old Jodie Foster. He made the 
move to Hollywood with his wife, 
Samantha, to whom he's been married 
“forever,” a unit of time that, for the 
rest of us, translates to 19 years. 

"What does my wife do? Well, noth- 
ing, really. I think it's good." His wife's 
inactivity, that is. "Sometimes I com- 
plain a little about it, but I know if she 
did anything I'd be right there telling 
her to stop. I know I'd be depressed.” 

The women in an Adrian Lyne film, 
however, are very busy. His pictures 
are inhabited by a spectrum of females 
ranging from homicidal to heaven- 
sent. Women who might be devils (Eli 
abeth Pena in Jacobs Ladder), unkill- 
able, bunny-boiling women leaping out 
ofthe tub like bloody Pop-Tarts (Glenn 
Close in fatal Attraction), wet women 
who do mating dances with kitchen 
chairs (Jennifer Beals in Flashdance), 
women on skateboards (Jodie Foster in 
Foxes), blindfolded women who are fed 
the contents of the fridge as if they 
were doing an R-rated commercial for 
cold medication (Kim Basinger in 9% 
Weeks). They are women who drive us 
to distraction. 

“Well, my wife and I have a colorful 
relationship,” Lyne admits. With the 
dark implications in Fatal Attraction, he 
has done more for marital fidelity than 
the Seventh Commandment and hun- 
dreds of years’ worth of papal bulls, 
so he knows what he's talking about. 
“We argue and we fight, but it some- 
how seems necessary for our long-term 
betterment. It’s funny. When 1 was 
preparing for Indecent Proposal and 1 
was getting into the rewrite stage, I was 
approaching writers who wouldn't 
even contemplate doing subject matter 
such as this because they considered it 
immoral or objectionable.” 

Lyne actively seeks out such conflict. 
“I love the idea of people talking, argu- 
ing, disagreeing about Proposal,” he 
says. In other words, they can obsess 
оп an idea the way he does, view it 
from every realizable angle, play with 
it, bend it, pose it like an artist’s man- 
nequin. Each pose has its moment of 
truth and then is gone. Stringing to- 
gether the poses gives Lyne two things: 
moving pictures and screen lives that 
are full of loose ends. 

There are those who suffer sleepless- 
ness, heartache, hives, depression and 
self-doubt because of their art. Among 
them, Lyne is the generalissimo, the 
commandcr-in-gricf. 

Crazy and compassionate, neuroti- 
cally shackled by self-reproach, his is a 
life dominated by cross-examination in 
which he serves as both defendant and 
prosecutor. 

"Adrian Lyne is a great guy, but he 
hates all his own movies," a film critic 
recently told me. Hearing the remark 


cracks up Lyne to the point where he's 
doing the backstroke in his chair. 

“It's true, yes. I assume they're all 
going to go into the back-loader. I 
mean, that’s the way I am. I'm lying, of 
course, but. . .." 

Then again, not entirely, If he 
looked for help to load all those prints 
of the disastrous 94 Weeks into the 
Dumpster, the line would stretch from 
Mickey Rourke's favorite Harley shop 
in West Los Angeles to that town Kim 
Basinger bought in Georgia. What was 
supposed to be an adagio of sex and 
food became instead a dissonant fugue 
of tabletop humping and hard-to-re- 
move spots. 

“Look, it was a wonderful novel,” 
Lyne laments, referring to the Eliza- 
beth McNeill book from which the film 
was adapted, “and Га even like to ıry 
to do it again, to see if I could do it bet- 
ter. I think there was a better film in 
there than the one I found. We tried so 
many different drafts of that story—we 
were into version K, which gives youan 
idea how far we went. 

“There was stuff in the novel that 
had more to do with what the story was 
really about, but to try to put it on film 
just wouldn't work.” Clearly, he can't 
give this one up. “For example,” he 
continues, “there was one funny, rather 
erotic passage in the book where the 
guy's watching a ball game and she's 
over by the wall іп handcutts. She's a 
bit bored because he's watching this 
ball game, until finally the cuffs start to 
hurt her a little bit. The way the author 
describes it is really quite beautiful. At 
least I know some women who found it 
quite erotic.” 

Even when his directorial powers are 
at their best—as in Fatal Altraction— 
Lyne makes room for agony. In that ir- 
resistibly wicked thriller, Glenn Close 
stalks fallen family man Michael Doug- 
las to her death. At one point, the 
depth of Close’s psychosis is illustrated 
by having her simply flick a light switch 
оп and off, again and again. 

“I liked the sequence very much, but 
there would always be one titter in 
every screening,” says Lyne, gesturing 
with his fingers, pinching an imaginary 
varmint. “There was always at least 
опе. You sit there, wincing and dying. 
The first showing with an audience is 
always a nighumare. I remember when 
1 first showed Flashdance. 1 was sitting 
with my assistant near the front of the 
theater. When the film first started 
rolling, I turned to him and said, ‘Is 
this as bad as I think it is?” There was 
this long pause, and then he said, “Yes.” 
Then there was another long pause. 
And I said, ‘Is there an exit near here?" 
But then after another five minutes the 
audience came around, started laugh- 
ing at stuff and I gota sense that maybe 


they loved it.” 

When the waiter clears our plates, 
Lyne lets оша moan that could be mis- 
taken for a golden retriever desperate- 
ly trying to speak. 

"I always get upset when people 
don't eat their fries,” he apologizes. 
Bouncing back admirably from the 
sight of my plate being spirited away, 
he invites me to have a lock at seg- 
ments of Indecent Proposal. 


Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore 
lie in bed together, considering Robert. 
Redford's offer. The length of their 
marriage is unspecificd, though sex 
and possession are intimated through 
body chemistry and sweet talk. Pre- 
marital dating exploits and jealousies 
are still recent enough to bring color to 
their cheeks. 

When they get around to discussing 
the proposal, their dialog has a spare 
quality, the pauses rife with innuendo. 
Beneath Moore's devotion to her hus- 
band is an undercurrent of carnal ad- 
venturism. Her voice is low, vital and 
thrilling. Someone slipped slices of de- 
sire into her cereal for this role; she has 
the look ofa woman whose touch could 
grow grass in Death Valley. 

Lyne saw three other acıresses for 
the role: Annabella Sciorra, Nicole 
Kidman and Isabelle Adjani. АП were 
good, but he decided on Moore after 
she tested by doing the bedroom scene 
where husband and wife discuss the 
proposal. 

"When she did her test, she was nat- 
ural. She was lying on the floor with a 
guy, you know the way it is, like maybe 
after sex, whatever. She was very un- 
selfconscious. She gave it a womanly 
style, if there's such a beast, and she 
looked like a woman—kind of round- 
ed. She had just had her kid and she 
looked great. I wanted to keep her like 
that. I told her I'd never really seen 
her like that. But she was, ‘No, no, I 
gotta lose weight, gotta lose weight.’ So 
that was the first fight.” 

Lyne spent six weeks on location 
shooting Indecent Proposal in Las Vegas, 
errant humankind's last outpost. Be- 
cause the casinos are virtually always 
crowded, cast and crew worked from 
four AM. to four PM. That difficult 
working schedule was a spark that was 
added to the highly combustible mix- 
ture of Lyne and Moore. 

"She's focused, ambitious, tough and 
brilliant,” Lyne says of his female lead, 
his head nodding in grudging appro- 
bation with each adjective. “We fought 
tooth and nail. Га be thinking, shit, if T 
want to sit down, she wants to stand up. 
If I want her hair up, she wants it 

(continued on page 169) 


HEHE (2% TO THE 
FORAL, LARRY. IN 
Í SLEEPING 


| т BAT THE 
MUTE 
QUATRE? WITH LESBIANS. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 5ТЕРНЕМ WAYDA 


Dian s Back! 


miss parkinson, pride of the price is right, comes on down for a jackpot encore 


text by JIM MCKAIRNES napis, napxıns, аркім. Dian Parkinson is being smothered in 
paper napkins by an overly attentive and possibly love-stricken waiter who keeps inventing reasons to 
return to her table. “Is he trying to tell me something? Does he think I'm eating sloppy?” she asks, 
laughing. “That's so cute." Later, the meal over, the waiter begs to interrupt just once more. He'd like 
to talk tickets with Dian, please. “Tickets for what?” she politely asks, prompting him with a bright 
white smile. “Oh, the show.” No problem, she tells him. “Sometimes,” Dian confides when the satisfied 
server walks away, “I forget who I am and what I do. Idon't think of myself as anything but a girl mak- 
ing a living." Well, OK—but what a living. Dian, one of “Barker's Beauties" on TV's The Price Is Right 
since 1975, is the most popular hostess on that ratings smash. Cheers of “Dian!” greet her at the twice- 
daily tapings. A modest post-show saunter across the stage, albeit one in a lethal swimsuit, leads to 
a noisy eruption from the laggards in the audience, who stayed behind hoping for such an appear- 
ance. The result of her first PLAYBOY cover and pictorial (December 1991) is а backlog of eight months’ 
worth of mail. “I'm sorry,” she pleads to her would-be correspondents. “I promise to answer it 


more. I had a steady paycheck and a family with The Price Is Right. Who wants to give that up and take a gamble? I'm not 
That tough a woman. Bur today I'm much stronger. 1 truly believe I'm ready for things I wasn't ready for ten years ago.” 


135 


all.” Being onstage has always been therapeutic for Dian. 
Her military-brat background—Dad was а Marine—left 
the North Carolina-born, Virginia-raised Dian with a 
regimented attitude toward life. "I started out as Miss 
World USA," she says. "That was a way of escaping a pret- 
ty tough childhood being the daughter of a drill instruc- 
tor. Running away to a pageant was a way of leaving that 
behind. Miss World USA opened the doors.” Past the 
threshold was a Bob Hope Vietnam USO tour and a fash- 
ion career in New York. Then, when her East Coast- 
based marriage ended and forced a move, she headed for 
Los Angeles and stardom. “I packed two pairs of jeans, 
three T-shirts and left everything else. I bought a $499 
Dodge Dart and started over.” She enlisted in 1975 to be 


the “wholesome and sexy one” for Price, which has 
been right for Dian for nearly two decades. “We really 
work,” she stresses the next day, rehearsing on CBS" 
tiny Stage 38. “It’s not like a movie set, where you stay 
in your trailer until your scene.” About her popu- 
lar and steady gig here—which is an intense combina- 
tion of a revival meeting, a Beatles concert and an 
Herbalife convention—Dian says, “I love the audi- 
ence. There's an excitement here you can't believe. 
Am I crazy in love with The Price Is Right? Yes. I'm 
crazy about it.” It shows. Dian wears it well. And 
when this morning glory crouches and waves goodbye 
to viewers at the end of each taping, blowing kisses 
to all the overanxious restaurant servers in her fu- 
ture, you just know they're crazy about her, too. 


Krunch, a plece of at-home exercise equipment that reforms those flabby abs), there aren't many 
free hours for Dian. “I go to Montecito to unwind,” she says. “It’s a little piece of heaven.” And 
speaking of heaven, Dian has done an exclusive poster for ptavsor (see the ad on page 11 for details). 


PLAYBOY 


BASEBALL PREVIEW ы» page 122) 


“The game crawled off its slab and into its golden age. 
Times of crisis bring out baseball’s goofy charms.” 


teams into a lucrative new stage of play- 
offs for the networks to televise. Inter- 
league play may also be coming to rob 
the World Series and baseball's All-Star 
Game—the only All-Star game anybody 
cares about—of their uniqueness. 

It wouldn't be the first time baseball 
was ruined. The Black Sox scandal killed 
it in the early Twenties. The game 
crawled off its slab and into its first gold- 
en age, which may or may not be ending 
now. Times of crisis bring out baseball's 
goofy charms. 

Remember the bottom of the ninth in 
game seven of the National League 
Championship Series? It featured a tired 
Pitcher massaging a shutout, a double 
that nicked the foul line, an error by a 
Gold Glove infielder, a crucial pitch mis- 
called by an umpire who had replaced 
an ump who had been struck by vertigo 
and, finally, Atlanta's slowest runner 
beating a bullet to the plate. 

It was one of those singular baseball 
moments. Go back to Atlanta and play 
that inning a million times. It never hap- 
pens the same way again. Not even close. 
And while the future looks hazardous to 
the game's health, there will be more 
grand moments like Cabrera's in 1993. 

And more horror. A year ago Seattle 
traded three good pitchers for home run 
king Kevin Mitchell. The Mariners ex- 
pected 40 homers from Mitchell іп the 
Kingdome. He hit nine, got nauseated 
and pulled a ribcage muscle vomiting. 
Now he's batting cleanup for the Reds as 
they chase the Braves. 

Hold the phone: Call Riverfront Sta- 
dium and ask the Reds if they have any 
Pepto. If Mitchell hits 40 and heartburns 
Atlanta, all bets are off. 


AMERICAN 
LEAGUE 


The hardest part was getting there. Af- 
ter their tenth straight winning season, 
the Blue Jays were still the game's best 
bet to go south in the fall. In 1987 they 
led the East by three and a half games 


140 with a week to go, finished 0-7 and were 


Tiger meat. In 1989 and 1991 they won 
the division but died in the playoffs, and 
last fall they had their collective beak on 
the exhaust pipe again. Game four of 
the American League Championship 
Series: Dennis Eckersley whifled Ed 
Sprague to end the eighth inning. Oak- 
land was about to even the series. Eck 
glared at the Toronto dugout and 
pumped his fist, saying, in effect, “We're 
the A's, you're the Jays, get used to it.” 

In the ninth Roberto Alomar took 
Eckersley upstairs. Strolling into his 
tater trot he raised his fists as if to say, “If 
we weren't on TV Га have only four 
fingers clenched.” The Jays pulled off 
the biggest comeback ever in the playoffs 
and marched through Atlanta to the top 
of the world. They're good enough and 
they're rich enough to stay there. 

A year ago general manager Pat 
Gillick signed Jack Morris and Dave 
Winfield, combined age 76, to teach 
Toronto how to win. It worked. Now 
Winfield, starter Jimmy Key and stopper 
Tom Henke are gone, but Gillick has 
a bullpen ace—Duane Ward—up his 
sleeve. He signed Dave Stewart and Panl 
Molitor, combined age 72, to replace 
Key and Winfield. Molitor is the only ac- 
tive DH better than Winfield. Stewart, 
who has been mediocre the past two 
seasons, is a gamble. John Olerud and 
Derek Bell are fine young hitters, Joe 
Carter's a fine old one. Devon White 
strikes out too much for a leadoff hitter 
but compensates by being a 78 percent 
base-stealer and making other center 
fielders look like garden statuary. Sec- 
ond baseman Alomar, 25 years old, is al- 
ready the league's top player. Gillick, sit- 
ting on his mountain of money (Toronto 
is the premiere ticket-seller in baseball 
history), may have some holes to fill by 
August. But when also-rans start hawk- 
ing their highest-priced players in Au- 
gust, the Jays will be buying. 

With the Orioles on the auction block, 
owner Eli Jacobs tightened his purse 
strings. The O's, whose modest payroll 
and soaring attendance put them in po- 
sition to shoot for the stars last winter, 
settled for DH Harold Baines and sec- 
ond baseman Harold Reynolds, Harold- 
ing something less than a sudden charge 
to the top of the class. The offense looks 
fierce: Brady Anderson, Mike Dever- 
eaux, Cal Ripken, Baines, Glenn Davis 
and Chris Hoiles are each capable of 25 
homers and 80 RBI. Baltimore's defense 
is as sharp as its bullpen, where Gregg 
Olson's cruel curveball has hooked 104 
saves in three years. But the starting ro- 
tation has a rusty anchor. Rick Sutcliffe is 


an admirable fellow who won 16 games 
last year, but he also lost 15 and led the 
majors in runs allowed. His ERA was 
five-plus after the All-Star break. Behind 
him, kid starters Mike Mussina and 
Arthur Rhodes are kid stuff incarnate. 
Ben McDonald and rookie John 
O'Donoghue complete a promising but 
iffy rotation. Scattershot smoker Brad 
Pennington is manager Johnny Oates’ 
wild card. With Ripken, Baines and Sut- 
diffe adding up to 102 birthdays, while 
Davis, Hoiles and third baseman Leo 
Gomez recover from injuries and the 
staff matures on the mound, this is an 
odd nest of gray whiskers, bandages and 
fledglings. The O's could be in full flight 
when they host the All-Star Game at the 
Yards. Down the stretch 1 like the Jays 
better, but not by much. 

Calling the Yankees a sleeper in the 
East is like calling George Steinbrenner a 
human being. It’s technically true, but 
you never know when either will try to 
prove the opposite. Three of the game's 
best pitchers made sure they avoided 
pinstripes this year, when Steinbrenner 
returns from a two-year exile. Still, 
Steinbrenner surrogate Joe Molloy 
saved 1995 by signing Jimmy Key and 
shipping two terrific prospects to the 
Angels for Jim Abbott. After crazily leav- 
ing third baseman Charlie Hayes unpro- 
tected in the expansion draft, Molloy 
reached into his bottomless pocket and 
pulled ont $11 million for Wade Roggs. 
who compares to Hayes the way Hayes 
compares to Helen Hayes. The rotation 
is twice as strong as last year's and the 
bullpen і safe in the hands of Steve Farr 
and Steve Howe. The offense features 
Boggs, Don Mattingly, Danny Tartabull, 
Paul O'Neill (whose left-handed upper- 
cut suits Yankee Stadium perfectly) and 
center-field phenom Bernie Williams. If 
Abbou, Key and Melido Perez win 15 
games cach and the cement-footed of 
fense scores 700 runs, New York wakes 
up and vins. 

The Indians? rotation of slidermeister 
Charles Nagy plus Bob Ojeda, Mike 
Bielecki, Dennis Cook and Jose Mesa 
isn't thin, it's transparent. After Nagy, 
they had better pray for rain. Cleveland 
сап afford to be patient, though. With a 
microscopic payroll, а ripening farm sys- 
tem and a major-league lineup loaded 
with young talent—most of it inked 
long-term by GM John Hart—Cleveland 
is due for a renaissance. The Tribe is 
set at catcher, second base, DH, in the 
outfield and the bullpen for the next five 
years. If Hart attacks his pitching prob- 
lems, this bunch could break even this 
year and could win а pennant next year, 
when Gateway Center opens downtown. 

After finishing last with the East's 
highest payroll, the Red Sox ought to 
start from scratch. Instead, they are 
looking for big years from Andre Daw- 
son and Ivan Calderon, two right- 
handed designated hitters with ancient 


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PLAYBOY 


bodies. Cursed with a sloppy defense 
and a 100-year-old catcher, the Sox let 
their best glove, Jody Reed, and their 
top catching prospect get away in the ex- 
pansion draft while protecting the frag- 
ile Ellis Burks. Then they let Burks go. 
They spent the winter looking for a fa- 
mous reliever to stand in the way of 
rookie Ken Ryan, the only diamond in a 
pitch-dark Boston system. Roger Clem- 
ens, the top pitcher of his generation, 
won the ERA title for the third straight 


year. But Rocket fizzled in September. 
He's 30 now and he has pitched more 
than 2000 major-league innings. If he's 
less than superhuman, the Sox vill face 
an ugly truth. They need to be razed 
and rebuilt, Cleveland style. 

Pat Listach deserved the Rookie of the 
Year award for helping lead the Brew- 
ers' stirring run at Toronto. (Cleveland's 
Kenny Lofton, a better base-stealer who 
doesn't strike out all the time, is a better 
player, though.) Cal Eldred is one of the 


ROCKYBALL 


Тһе Colora- 
do Rockies’ logo 
is a baseball 
soaring past a 
mountaintop. 

Caveat hurler: 
Here comes a 
rocky summer. 

Іп baseball, 
altitude is pow- 
er. The relative- 
ly thin air of 
Atlanta helped 
make the Braves' home a launching 
pad. Until now, Adanta-Fulton Coun- 
ty Stadium (elevation 1050) was the 
big leagues’ highest, but Denver is 
five times higher. Everyone expecis 
the ball to jump over Mile High Sta- 
dium’s inviting left-field fence. That's 
why the Rockies have loaded up on 
right-handed power hitters. But how 
‚often vill the ball jump, and how far? 

In his book The Physics of Baseball, 
Robert Adair wrote that a ball hit 400 
feet at sea level would go 408 feet in 
Atlanta—a crucial difference if you 
are an outfielder with your back to 
the wall. In Denver, “consideration 
should be given to requiring a larger 
park or using a less lively ball,” says 
Adair, because that same 400-footer 
“would go as much as 40 fect far- 
ther.” Another ballpark’s flyout is a 
Mile High bleacher-secker. 

Can Colorado match the 1961 Yan- 
kees' record-setting 240 home runs? 
No. Charlie Hayes, Andres Galarraga 
and Jerald Clark may go back-to- 
back-to-Boulder a couple of times, 
but this club won't hit 120 homers. 
The Rockies are not much better 
than Atlanta’s Triple-A team. The al- 
titude is sure to hurt their pitchers 
more than it helps their hitters. In 


fact, the best 
preseason bet is 
that Colorado 
will lead the 
league in home 
runs allowed. 
Fastballs will 
be a tick faster, 
meaning more 
strikeouts but 
also more moon 
shots, since a 
quicker pitch 
flies farther. Breaking balls will lose a 
fraction of their bite. This may spell 
trouble for opposing hurlers as well, 
but Rockies pitchers will suffer more 
because most of them would be in the 
minors if not for expansion. 

Marv Throneberry hit 42 homers 
for the Denver Bears іп 1956. Тһе 
Bears and Zephyrs, their Triple-A 
predecessors, spent 37 years іп Den- 
ver without resorting to Nerf balls. In 
fact, last year's Zephyrs were only 
fifth in their league in home runs. ОҒ 
course, there were по Fred McGriffs 
in the American Association. He 
might hit 50 homers in 1993. Keep 
an eye on Barry Bonds and Astro 
Eric Anthony. Keep another eye on 
right-handed visitors Gary Sheffield, 
Kevin Mitchell and Matt. Williams. 
We probably won't see anything to 
equal Mickey Mantle's 565-foot shot, 
but we may see a few Mile High 500- 
footers. 

Meanwhile, Colorado manager 
Don Baylor who holds the major- 
league record for being hit by pitch- 
es, may urge his men to take a few 
plunks for the team. Bruises might 
suit the Rockies. Their official team 
colorsare purpleand black. --кс. 


league's superb young starters. Kevin 
Reimer's going to hit 25 homers and 
rookies John Jaha and Matt Mieske 
might do the same, but Milwaukee will 
need a designated driver—not three 
iron-gloved DHs—to get them home this 
time. The club spent the off-season sell- 
ing luxury boxes in County Stadium, but 
it didn't raise enough cash to sign two 
guys who count, Chris Bosio, now a 
Mariner, and Paul Molitor, now a Blue 
Jay. Instead, they got Tom Brunansky 
and Bill Doran, old and broken-down. 
There had better be plenty of brews 
in those boxes to distract Milwaukee's 
swells from the crew on the field. The 
92-70 record of a year ago is turning up- 
side down. 

Thirty minutes, guaranteed. In the 
next half hour the Tigers vill hit a home 
run. Last season Detroit's lineup aver- 
aged 19 homers per player. Count on 
Cecil Fielder to earn his millions by hit- 
üng 40, while starters Bill Gullickson 
and Mike Moore serve up more dings 
than Fielder hits. Shortstop Travis Fry- 
man eats fastballs for lunch, and second 
baseman Lou Whitaker never goes stale. 
But owner Mike Ilitch—the Little Cae- 
sar's Pizza emperor who bought the club 
from Domino's Pizza man 'Tom Mon- 
aghan—would be vise to stick the rest of 
his product in a box and bury it 


AMERICAN 


LEAGUE 


Tony La Russa did a heroic balancing 
act in 1909, suiting the nimble elephant- 
on-a-baseball that was the Athletics" 
shoulder patch before the peeved pachy- 
derm appeared this year. Running 22 
players back and forth from the disabled 
list, using 19 who spent part of the year 
in the minors, he won 96 games. His 
everyday nine missed almost 50 starts 
per man, yet he still managed a consis- 
tent vinner—the A's were 15 games over 
‚500 before the All-Star break, 15 over 
after. Then Eckersley picked the wrong 
night to have the worst of his 72 outings. 
“Тһе swagger is gone," said Eck after 
Toronto rocked him in October. Free 
agency rocked the Athletics soon there- 
after; the herd that stampeded the West 
four times in five years was breaking up. 

"Then GM Sandy Alderson spent $77.5 
million to sign the men he had to keep: 
Mark McGwire (who hit 42 homers and 
led the AL in slugging percentage), 


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144 


Ruben Sierra (who came from Texas in 
the Jose Canseco deal), catcher Terry 
Steinbach and starter Ron Darling. Oak- 
land still has some patching to do. Troy 
Neel, aDH who hit ‚351 at Tacoma, will 


help. Ditto infielders Mike Bordick and 
Kevin Seitzer, as well as Dave Hender- 
son, who hobbles back from the DL to 
play center. A rotation of Bob Welch, 
Darling, Bobby Witt, Storm Davis and 


Kelly Downs won't help La Russa sleep 
at night, but the team shouldn't miss 
Dave Stewart or Mike Moore's indif- 
ferent 1992 innings. The pen belongs 
to Eckersley, who gives up historic 


THE 


"Ihe Caseys are dedicated to Charles 
Dillon Stengel, the Hall of Famer who 
coined the phrase “Good pitching will 
always stop good hitting, and vice ver- 
за” Stengel also foresaw Jose Lind's 
epic error in last season's National 
League playoffs, saying, "When a field- 
er gets the pitcher into trouble, the 
pitcher has to pitch himself out of a 
slump he isn't in." This year's Caseys: 

The Crying Game Award: Pittsburgh 
manager Jim Leyland wept when Sid 
Bream left the club in 1990, when the 
Pirates clinched their division last year 
and when Lind's boot undid them in 
October, thus disproving Tom Hanks’ 
line in A League of Their Own: “There's 
по crying in baseball.” 

Snaky Breaky Elbow Award: Reds ace 
Jose Rijo was 1-4 with a 3.63 ERA 
when he tried Satchel Paige's old el- 
bow remedy, fried snake oil. “It pene- 
trates the skin,” he said. “Feels good." 
Thereafter the well-oiled Rijo went 
14-6 with a 2.21 ERA. 

Coming Soon to a Lineup Near You 
Award: The minorleague All-Name 
team: Razor Shines, Gettys Glaze, 


Kekoa Dafun, Scott Bullett, Butter 


Jones, Motorboat Jones, Joe Moun- 
tain, Jason Imperial, Linty Ingram, 
Demetrish Jenkins, Кеуіп Mmahat. 


Querbin Reynoso, Arquimedez Pozo, - 


Gary Sharko, Elgin Bobo, Ron 
Rico, Ron Rightnowar, Wander Pi- 
mentel, Marcus Ponder, Scott Pose, 
Jon Shave, Wes Shook, Will Love, 
Greg Legg, Jeff Cheek, Janseen Hand, 
"Iroy Penix, Darius Gash, Rickey Cra- 
dle and the team captain, Kinston In- 
dians infielder Rouglas Odor. 

Scrunchious When It Grunches Award: 
For 22 years Bert “Booger-pickin’” 
Blyleven reigned as baseball's gross- 
out king. Then Mike Maksudian took 
the crown by chewing cockroaches. 

The Names Clemens Award: Pitcher 
Mike Anderson was signed by the Mar- 
lins after insisting he was a 21-year-old 
junior college pitcher: He actually was 
the Mike Anderson who had flopped in 
the Mets farm chain. He would have 
gotten away with it, too, but he pushed. 
his luck. Anderson fessed up after 
being arrested for allegedly attempt- 
ing to pass a $5000 rubber check. 

The Ariful Dodgers Award: Catcher 
Mike Piazza went to the mound to talk 
to pitcher Orel Hershiser. He forgot 
to call time out. While Piazza chatted, 


CASEY AWARDS 


San Diego's Jerald Clark scampered 
home with the winning run. 

Looking for Mr: Hoffa Auanl: Ty Ко- 
vach, Baseball Weekly's best discovery, 
ridesa garbage truck in the off-season. 
He also holds a degree in mortuary 
science. If Ty never cracks the Cleve- 
land rotation—a good bet, since he 
was 3-11 in the Carolina League—he 
wants to ditch trash collecting and 
open a funeral home. 

Where's the Rest of Me? Award: The 


Dodgers’ $4 million man had the 
worst line in agate type—Eric Davis un- 
derwent surgery lo remove а bone chip from 
his left wrist, repair a ligament lear in his 
left hand and remove part of the bone in his 
left shoulder. But Giants lefty Trevor 
Wilson had an uglier trip to sick bay. 
During an operation on one rib, his 
doctor inadvertently removed por- 
tions of two healthy ones. Wilson, gri- 
macing, ended the year 8-14. 


2) Cobb Sportsmanship Award: North 
Carolina Little League coach Richard 
Blackwell, а mighty sore loser, pulled 
a knife on a rival coach and slit his 
throat. His victim lived. Blackwell got 
probation and a two-year suspen- 
sion—same as George Steinbrenner. 

Ат тай Award: Toronto's Devon 
White made a World Series play for 
the ages October 20 at the Skydome, a 
grab that would have been a triple 
play if ump Bob Davidson hadn't 
blown the call. But the catch of the 
year was by Atlanta's Otis Nixon. With 
опе out in the ninth on July 25, һе 
scaled the center-field fence at Fulton 
County Stadium to steal a two-run 
homer from Andy Van Slyke, saving 
a 1-0 win. Who sprinted from the 
dugout to hug Nixon? Deion Sanders, 
his rival for playing time in center. 

Watch Ош, I Think Гт Gonna Hurl 
Award: Scott Sanderson served up 
four homers in one inning. Mark 
Davis, who saved 44 games and won a 
Су Young award in 1989, has had sev- 
en saves and 5.56 ERA since. Hard to 
believe they weren't 1992 Mariners. 
Seattle pitchers surrendered 38 runs. 
in the season's first 36 innings and 
continued to stink the rest of 1999 
The team's stopper, Randy Johnson, 
led the AL in strikeouts, hit batsmen 
and walks. He walked ten in one game 
and nine in another, in which he also 
hit two men and gave up a grand 
slam, thus edging into teammate Mike 
Schoolers turf. After matching a 
record by allowing four slams Іп a 
year, Schooler said, "I'm the epitome 
of grand slaminity.” 

Hand-Ouer-Hand Award: A Mets fan, 
claiming that David Cone masturbat- 
ed in front of her, has reportedly slapped 
him with a $5 million lawsuit. Cone 
soon got a $9 million bonus for sign- 
ing with Kansas City, where the out- 
field fountains may seta bad example. 

Chunky, Уй Supernatural Award: How 
fab is the game's funnest player? Not 
only did his state announce itself at the 
Democratic National Convention as 
"Minnesota, the state of Walter Mon- 
dale, Hubert Humphrey and Kirby 
Puckett" and not only did he hit .329 
with 110 RBI, but in the first inning 
of the All-Star Game, Puckett fouled 
a Tom Glavine fastball into the 
stands—directly to Glavine's father, 
who caught it. KC. 


postseason home runs but nothing else. 
While saving 236 games in six years, he 
has walked just 55 men and struck out 
49] in 475 innings. 

After Sierra spices up the middle of 
the order to the tune of 90 RBI, the A's 
can pack their trunks for another Octo- 
ber flight to Toronto. 

‘The White Sox unraveled after short- 
stop Ozzie Guillen blew out his knee in 
April. They finished ten games over .500 
but got crummy years from Steve Sax (a 
career low .236 average), Dan Pasqua 
(211) and every starting pitcher except 
Jack McDowell, who was 20-10 while 
four other starters went 37-43. Relievers 
Scott Radinsky and Roberto Hernandez 
sparkled with 27 saves and a combined 
2.15 ERA, but ex-ace Bobby Thigpen, 
who had 57 saves in 1990, saved 22 with 
a 4.75 ERA, Signees Dave Stieb and El- 
lis Burks can't bend without wincing, 
Guillen’s knee is still sore, infielder Craig 
Grebek has a tender foot and we all 
know about Bo Jackson's hip. The Sox 
are sound only at first and third with 
Big Frank Thomas and Robin Ventura, 
in center field with Lance Johnson and 
at the top of the staff, where the 65" Mc- 
Dowell stares down the Twins on open- 
ing night. A farm chain stocked with 
strong right arms makes the late Nine- 
ties look promising. This year could go 
either way. Will the Sox, who have 
finished second, second and third this 
decade. hold up or pale in the stretch? 
Maybe Bo knows. Іп a wide-open West it 
won't rake a miracle for Chicago to win. 
Four hundred at-bats on a bionic hip, a 
near miracle, ought to do it. 

The 1992 Royals started 1-16, getting 
one hit in the one game they won. Mets 
rejets Kevin McReynolds and Gregg 
Jefferies flopped. Jefferies, the worst 
baseman on earth, had 26 errors 
and just ten home runs. Outfielder Bri- 
an McRae played like the manager's son 
you hated in Little League, batting .223 
with four homers but still playing almost 
every day to get his 533 at-bats. Kansas 
City wailed the league in homers. Other 
than Kevin Appier, who went 15-8, the 
starting pitchers lost 26 more games 
than they won. But now comes David 
Сопе (whom the Royals gave up in 1987) 
to help Appier anchor the staff. Right 
fielder Felix Jose, acquired for Jefferies 
in an intra-Missouri trade, adds muscle 
to the middle of the order. Shortstop 
Greg Gagne and second baseman Jose 
Lind (the ex-Pirate whose NLCS error 
tarnished his 1992 Gold Glove) give К.С. 
what might be the finest double-play 
combo since Sixties Pirates Gene Alley 
and Bill Mazeroski. Junkballers Mark 
Gardner and Hipolito Pichardo fill out 
the rotation. Jeff Montgomery may chal- 
lenge Eck for the AL lead in saves. Last 
year's Royals. emotionally crushed by 
their horrid first month, were 71-74 
from May through October. With Cone, 
Gagne and Lind aboard, manager Hal 


McRae's boys are poised to gain 15 
games in the standings 

In December, Jose Canseco was arrest- 
ed for fighting in a bar. It was his first 
nonvehicular nonweapons arrest By 
January Rangers manager Kevin Ken- 
nedy had made a pilgrimage to Miami 
to assure Jose that as long as he was a 
free man, he was their main man. If his 
Schwarzenegger frame holds up—40 
homers and 120 RBI aren't too much to 
ask from Madonna's favorite baseball 
Adonis—this becomes the game's most 
intriguing team. Tom Henke plugs a 
hole in the bullpen while Manuel Lee, 
another Toronto refugee with a World 
Series ring to show his new teammates, 
takes over at short. Starters Charlie Le 
brandt and Craig Lefferts toss Wiffle- 
balls behind staff ace Kevin Brown and 
the everlasting heat of Nolan Ryan in the 
last year of his matchless career. Re- 
habbed Julio Franco hopes for a return 
to his silver-bat form of 1991. First base- 
man Rafael Palmeiro is bound to hit bet- 
ter than .268. Ivan Rodriguez, 21 years 
old, is becoming the ALs top catcher, 
and Juan "Igor" Gonzalez, baseball's 
home run king, can now rest his aching 
back with occasional help from tiny cen- 
ter fielder Doug Dascenzo. I would pick 
Texas in a minute if pitching didn't 
count and Jose had a license to scoff at 
the law. But it does and he doesn’t. Not 
in a million years. 

Manager Tom Kelly and GM Andy. 
MacPhail keep the Twins in the race 
every summer. MacPhail saved the club's 
season-ticket sales by re-signing Kirby 
Puckett, who has now surpassed Prince 
as Minnesota's most popular person (he 
had a better year). But every winter the 
Twins pay the price of being a small- 
market franchise. Signing Puckett, a 
1321 career hitter—plus Merhuselahs 


Dave Winfield and Bert Blyleven— won't 
make up for the losses of starter John 
Smiley and shortstop Gagne, whom 
MacPhail could no longer afford. Min- 
nesota is reduced to hoping that a club 
that led the AL in hitting and magically 
finished third in pitching can duplicate 
those feats, and that Bernardo Brito can 
рор a pinch-hit homer or three. Brito, 
the тегі-Ше Crash Davis, has hit 229 
minor-league home runs but none іп 
the majors. Still, Kelly needs more arms. 
Last year Minnesota's non-Smiley start- 
ing pitchers had an ERA of 4.20. 

Any of five teams could win the pitch- 
ing-poor West, but not the Mariners. 
Just you wait, Lou Piniella. You're going 
to blow a fuse in May, when the Ms are 
15-25, and start hammerlocking players 
on the clubhouse floor. There are bright 
spots in the Kingdome—Ken Griffey, Jr., 
in center, Edgar Martinez and Tino Mar- 
tinez at the corners, Chris Bosio and 
Norm Charlton on the mound—but 
more black holes. And like a cosmic 
black hole, Seattle will suck. 

The Anaheim Angels have enough 
money to contend. But cowboy owner 
Gene Autry and his wife, Jackie, who 
now runs the club, have snapped the 
saddlebags shut while perhaps prepar- 
ing to sell the team. Circling his wagons, 
CM Whitey Herzog has assembled a 
hellish bunch of Angels who are either 
too old (Chili Davis), too young (Tim 
Salmon, J. T. Snow) or too splintered hy 
bench time in the other league (Stan 
Javier, Jerome Walton). Rebuilding is 
fine, but chaos should be kept in the 
Bronx, where it belongs. At least the An- 
gels have a sharp new uniform and a 
Most Telegenic Vamp in the stands. 
Tawny Kitaen, the designated writher in 
countless Whitesnake videos, is Angel 
Chuck Finley's new girlfriend. Look for 


POLTA YARIO ST: 


a lot of her in California’s otherwise 
depressing highlight тесі. 


Lee's knees. They are the keys in the 
East, a division that looks wide open 
until you look into the Cardinals’ club- 
house. Proud St. Louis hasn't won a 
pennant since 1985. Ozzie Smith is the 
sole survivor of that campaign. He may 
have slipped to second behind Barry 
Larkin in the NL shortstop derby, he 
may not do handstands on opening day 
anymore, but at the age of 38, his wiz- 
ardry is undiminished. Ozzie hit .295 
and stole 43 bases in 52 attempts. He 
leads a quick attack that paced the 
league in batting average and steals. The 
Cards’ starting pitchers are young and 
anonymous except for Bob Tewksbury, a 
pointillist whose corner-painting led to a 
16-5 record and a 2.16 ERA. Meanwhile, 
Lec Smith notched 43 saves in 70 games, 
the most appearances he’s made in ten 
years. Lee's 35-year-old knees crackle 
when he walks, but his arm is almost as 
rapid as ever. This spring he'll pass Rear- 
don for the all-time saves lead. Suppos- 
ing his knees last and manager Joe Torre 
keeps the tumblers of his deceptively 
young roster turning (key Cardinals not 
named Smith average just 26 years of 
age), the Cards trump Montreal and face 
Atlanta’s full house in the playoffs. 


NATIONAL 
LEAGUE 


With comebacks from third baseman 
Todd Zeile and rejuvenated problem 
child Gregg Jefferies, continuing bril- 
liance from outfielder Ray Lankford, 
speed and defense from Ozzie and the 
emergence of multitalented second base- 
man Geronimo Pena, Torre's offense 
doesn't need much help. What it needs 
should come from first baseman-out- 
fielder Ozzie Canseco, Jose's twin, and 
that football guy in the outfield. Not 
Deion Sanders, but Sanders’ former 
teammate in the Falcons’ defensive back- 
field, Brian Jordan. Rod Brewer, who 
batted cleanup in the Triple-A all-star 
game, will also lend a bat. Tom Pagnozzi, 
the game's best defensive catcher, com- 
mands a league-leading defense. And 
the no-name pitching staff is a power- 
house in the making. Tewksbury, Dono- 


146 van Osborne, Omar Olivares and Rheal 


Cormier had a 3-1 strikeout-to-walk ra- 
tio in 1992, portending dominance in 
1993 as the youngsters mature. Cuban 
defector Rene Arocha, another Triple-A 
all-star, completes the league's second- 
best rotation. So keep an eye and an ear 
on Lee's knees. If they can support 45 
saves, it's St. Louis in a breeze. 

"The Expos are another young club on 
the rise. Nepotism helps—skipper Felipe 
Alows son Moises joins Grissom and 
Larry Walker in a magnificent Montreal 
outfield. Felipe's nephew Mel Rojas, the 
NUs primo sctup man, shares the 
bullpen with John Wetteland. Off-season 
shark-spearer Wetteland, a fireball clos- 
er the Dodgers crazily traded with Tim 
Belcher to get Eric Davis, fanned 99 men 
in 83 innings on his way to 37 saves in 
1992. Nicaraguan national hero Dennis 
Martinez anchors a starting staff that 
won't blow anyone away but 15 nearly as 
young and promising as the Cardinals’. 
Ex-Card Ken Hill may have the best stuff 
of any number-two starter outside At- 
lanta. At catcher, first base, third base 
and shortstop, however, les Expos are not 
tres jolie. Alou may resort to platoons be- 
hind the plate (never helpful to a pitch- 
ing staff), at first and at third. At short, 
steady Spike Owen will be replaced by 
Wil Cordero. Only 21, Cordero's a su- 
perb prospect who could either cruise to 
Rookie of the Year honors or flame out 
in a flurry of strikeouts and errors. He'll 
be Larkin's backup at the 1995 All-Star 
Game and probably start for the stars the 
rest of the decade, but like the Spos 
themselves, he may still be a year away. 

The 1992 Mets had the game's highest. 
payroll. They trailed the majors in bat- 
ung average. In the NL they topped 
only the Dodgers, their partners in di- 
minishing returns, in homers, and they 
underperformed the historically horri- 
ble 1962 Mets in a slew of departments. 
The 1992 Mets had 17 triples, while 
Deion Sanders had 14 in 5037 fewer at- 
bats. They traded two everyday players 
for Bret Saberhagen. He won three 
games. Howard Johnson melted from 38 
homers and 117 RBI to seven and 43. 
Bobby Bonilla, а Slim-Fast candidate 
who earned five times his weightin gold, 
barely managed to hit his weight. Bonil- 
la wore earplugs to drown out the boos 
at Shea Stadium. Upon his return to 
Pittsburgh, where he'd driven in 220 
runs in two years, junk was thrown at 
him from the bleachers. Occasional 
bullpen ace Anthony Young had 15 
saves—also two wins and 14 losses. 

All of this suggests that New York 
looks pretty good in 1993. When you hit 
bottom at breakneck speed, you're 
bound to rebound. Saberhagen, his bum 
finger healed, will win between 15 and. 
20 games. Sid Fernandez, Doc Gooden 
and towering lefty Pete Schourek ought 
to combine for 40 wins, not 30, this 
time around. Johnson, Bonilla, Vince 
Coleman (assuming GM Al Harazin 


can't trade Coleman) and catcher Todd 
Hundley cannot play worse than they 
did in 1992. Mike Maddux, Cy Young's 
big brother, is the middle reliever the 
Mets have needed for years. He'll save 
Young and/or John Franco for short- 
inning duty Tony Fernandez is the 
shortstop the Mets have needed since 
the dawn of time. For a team with this 
much talent, up is the only way to go 
from 72-90. New York's 1993 ceiling, 
something near 90-72, could give the 
younger Cards and Expos nighunares. 

On opening day at Wrigley Field, 
Greg Maddux faces the Cubs. Ducling 
superstations WGN and TBS, with Har- 
ry Caray in the Cubs' booth and his son 
Skip in the Braves', beam the game to 
half the Western Hemisphere. Maddux 
beats Mike Morgan 4-2, Atlanta com- 
pletes the first game of its championship 
season and Chicago starts waiting till 
next year There's nothing terribly 
wrong with the Cubs. Morgan, whose 
sinker was made for the tall grass at 
Wrigley, was the ideal free agent acquisi- 
tion of 1992; he may even match his 
16-8 of a year ago. José Guzmán, whom 
the Rangers rehabbed and unwisely al- 
lowed to Бес to Chicago, is another best- 
buy signee, but former South Sider Greg 
Hibbard is useless and new closer Randy 
Myers—whose 38 saves for the Padres 
were an optical illusion—is going to be 
Chicago's biggest fire-starter since Mrs. 
O'Leary's cow. Myers is finished. The 
skunk that ran from the San Diego 
bullpen last July was an omen. Unless 
the Cubs bury Myers in middle relief 
and save saves for Dan Plesac, bleacher 
bums will sport clothespins on their 
noses in the late innings by June. 

On offense, Ryne Sandberg is a lonely 
Hall of Famer. Candy Maldonado is no 
Andre Dawson, and Sammy Sosa, if 
healthy, will lead the league in strike- 
outs. At Wrigley, you have to have base 
runners to succeed—otherwisc your solo 
homers lose to the other guys’ three-run 
jobs—yet the Cubs persistently and per- 
versely refuse to get on base. Too often, 
their hitters trail the NL in walks. Brett 
Butler might score 120 runs for this 
club. No Cub will score 95. As long as 
they refuse to learn that on-base per- 
centage is the most crucial Wrigley stat, 
these guys deserve to finish fourth. 

“We woulda beat them if they hadn't. 
commenced being wonderful." That was 
Casey Stengel's lament decades ago, but 
he coulda been talking about the 1992 
Pirates. After three straight division ti- 
Чез, the poor Pirates are in freefall. Jim 
Leyland's club finally ran out of steam. 
And money. They have lost baseball's 
best player, Bonds, and one of its top 
pitchers, Drabek. In the bullpen and in 
left feld, Atlanta irregulars Alejandro 
Рейа and Lonrie Smith try to pick up 
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PLAYBOY 


148 


century. Knuckleballer Tim Wakefield 
and tender-arm Zane Smith head a fast- 
ball-free rotation. An outfield that two 
years ago boasted Bonds, Bonilla and 
Andy Van Slyke is now Van Slyke be- 
tween two question marks. Second base- 
man Carlos Garcia, third baseman Kevin 
Young and part-time left fielder Al Mar- 
tin are the sort of rookies you build a fu- 
ture around, Houston style, but not the 
kind you rely on to defend three division 
crowns. Like Minnesota's Kelly —anoth- 
er five-star field general struggling with 
the realities of a small-market outpost— 
Leyland will squeeze as many wins out of 
this loser as any man can. Eighty-one 
wins should earn him another Manager 
ofthe Year award, but not another post- 
season heartbreal 

How bad is Phillies pitching? Their 
best arm, Curt Schilling, started 1992 in 
middle relief, emerged to chalk up 226 
innings with a sterling 2.35 ERA and the 
staff still finished last in the NL in pitch- 
ing—by almost half a run per game. Тһе 
difference between the Pirates imposing 
3.35 team ERA and the | Ith-place As- 
tros' 3.74 was the same as the difference 
between the Astros and the 12th-place 
Phils. If Philadelphia hurlers had added 
15 straight shutouts to their season, they 
still would have finished last in ERA. So 
they signed starter Danny Jackson to 
make them even worse. Closer Mitch 
Williams, who is to conuol what Mad 
па is to modesty, allowed a stupefying 
133 base runners in 81 innings. (“It used 
to bother me, facing him,” says Bonds. 
“Then I figured out he doesn't try to 
throw at you, he just doesn't know where 
it’s going. Nobody does.”) Leadoff man 
Lenny Dykstra, who is to self-control 
what Williams is to pitching precision, 


happens to be my own baseball hero. 
He'll hit .300 and eat alot of dirt stealing 
50 bases, but the Phils won't win 75 
games because they treat pitching the 
way the Cubs treat OBP—the way the 
Mighty Casey treated first-pitch fastballs. 

You heard it here first. Florida's Mar- 
lins will finish the seasor's first week іп 
first place. They open at home with six 
games against the Dodgers and Padres. 
Four wins out of six is not too much to 
ask of any team facing the Blue Crew 
and Porto-San Diego. In fact, the whole 
first month favors the Fish. They could 
be 13-12 on May 4, when the bubble 
bursts. Florida starters won't get many 
games to closer Bryan Harvey. (If his 
arm is sound, he is one of the NUs 
top three closers—late-season trade bait. 
for a contender willing to give up two 
or three prospects) But there's noth- 
ing wrong with a lineup that includes 
catcher Benito Santiago, first baseman 
Orestes Destrade, Dave Magadan at 
third and Bret Barbcric, Walt Weiss and 
center fielder Chuck Carr up the mid- 
dle. Fish GM Dave Dombrowski has as- 
sembled a time-release contender. Flori- 
da looks worse than Colorado this year, 
but far better down the lime. By 1996, 
when Jose Canseco comes home to play 
right field and Gloria Estefan sings the 
anthem on opening day, Miami will have 
a sound machine ready to churn out a 


pennant. 
. 


What's wrong with the Braves? They 
have an imperfect bullpen. They have 
no potential All-Stars at catcher, first 
base or second base. Their Triple-A 
club may not be better than the 1927 
Yankees. The owner's wife tends to nod 
off during extra-inning games. And 


“Т don't know if this is good news, but we're getting strong 
evidence that acid rain dissolves litier.” 


they're still the only team in 14 years to 
lose back-to-back World Series. 

Otherwise they're perfect. In the off- 
season everyone expected GM John 
Schuerholz to throw Ted Turner's mil- 
lions at Barry Bonds, improving an 
already superlative Atlanta outfield. In- 
stead, Schuerholz landed Greg Maddux 
for $15 million less than Bonds' price, 
turning a stellar Atlanta rotation into 
one that might win 90 games all by itself. 
"That move saved $15 million to pay the 
price of success—raises all around the 
horn—with enough left over to buy a 
star to be named later and a Tiffany 
alarm clock for Jane Fonda. 


NATIONAL 
LEAGUE 


“The Braves’ bullpen isn't perfect, but 
then neither was last year's, when its two 
leading savers had four-plus ERAs. Ale- 
jandro Peña lost his fastball early in 
1992. In May he was 04 with a 7.36 
ERA and Adanta was five games behind 
San Francisco. All Ted’s team did was 
finish 26 games ahead of the Giants, at 
least cight ahead of everyone else. At 
catcher, first and second, they are star- 
less but solid. How solid? Receivers Da- 
mon Berryhill and Greg Olson, who are 
adequate at worst, are backed by minor- 
league all-star Javier Lopez. The first- 
base platoon of Sid Bream and Brian 
Hunter totaled 102 RBI a year ago; be- 
hind them is Ryan Klesko, the fastest bat 
in the minors. Mark Lemke and Bill 
Pecota can hold the fort at second until 
shortstop Chipper Jones, the system's 
standout prospect, arrives to bump in- 
cumbent Jeff Blauser to second. Maddux 
brings his Cy Young trophy and Gold 
Glove to a staff that already led the ma- 
jors in ERA while pitching half the time 
in Fulton County Stadium, a hitter's par- 
adise. In the pen, lefty Mike Stanton, 
righty Mark Wohlers and salvage project 
Jay Howell should keep Ted and Jane 
from missing Peña (now a Pirate) in the 
late innings. 

1 haven't mentioned Atlanta's ten oth- 
er All-Star candidates. 

It's usually a mistake to pick pennant 
winners to win again; the thousand con- 
tingencies that add up to victory seldom 
add the same way twice. But if the 1993 


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PLAYBOY 


150 


Braves—one of the strongest, deepest 
and richest teams in 20 years—don't 
win, I'll eat my foam-rubber tomahawk. 
Eight games short of Atlanta last sea- 
son, the Reds return as a short-term 
threat to the Braves. Cincinnati GM Jim 
Bowden found twin engines for his of- 
fense during the off-season. Roberto Kel- 
ly and Kevin Mitchell complete the NLs 
toughest batting order—if Kelly quickly 
adapts to NL pitching and Mitchell con- 
trols his queasy stomach. Bowden also 
signed John Smiley to rev up a rotation 
that features Jose Rijo, the league's 
premiere starter (when his shoulder isn't. 
pinging), plus Tom Browning and the 
Tims-—Belcher and Pugh. Those five 
can’t match the Braves’ fleet of Porsches, 
but they match up well with Houston's 
improved staff and leave the division's 
other rotations sucking fumes. From 
top to bottom, the Reds’ everyday lineup 
is better than Atlanta's. But injuries to 
any of five key men, all of them injury- 
prone—Mitchell, Rijo, Barry Larkin, 
Chris Sabo and outfielder Reggie San- 
ders—could strip Cincinnati's gears. 
With Norm Charlton gone, the bullpen 
doesn't look as smart as it did. Jeff Rear- 
don's slowballs will set up Rob Dibble’s 
laser show. At least Reds fans will see 
more of Doggie (new manager Tony 
Perez) and less of the owner's Saint Ber- 
nard. Owner Marge Schott has been 
banished to a luxury penalty box up- 
stairs. She should have been suspended 
for perpetuating the hiring practices of 
the paleface organization she inherited, 
not for speaking evil, which is the right 
of us all, bigots included. But condemn- 


ing her actions rather than her words 
would have implicated other clubs' ante- 
bellum hiring records, so her fellow own- 
ers took the easy out. During Schott's 
suspension, the Dog's team, paddling to 
stay afloat, must keep everybody healthy 
to have a shot at the Braves. 

It was a Bush thing to do. Astros own- 
er John McMullen rented out the As- 
trodome for last summer's Republican 
Convention, forcing his team to take a 
road trip that lasted a month. But that 
was when the Stros came of age. They 
raced through the gantlet and finished 
the year 81-81. A heroic new owner, su- 
permarket man Drayton McLane, took 
over a team that boasts Ken Caminiti and 
Jeff Bagwell at the corners, Craig Biggio 
at second, three protostars (Luis Gonza- 
lez, Steve Finley and Eric Anthony) in the 
outfield and reborn reliever Doug Jones 
in the ninth inning. All McLane had to 
worry about was a starting staff led by 
Pete Harnisch. Harnisch is neither a true 
ace nor a handsome fellow (he once 
worked as a ringer in police lineups; one 
of his 1992 “dates,” courtesy of his team- 
mates, was inflatable), though he looked 
fine as а number-three starter: 21-19 
with a 3.18 ERA over two years. McLane 
gave GM Bill Wood $36.5 million and— 
shazam!—Doug Drabek and Greg Swin- 
dell fly south to make Houston a power in 
the West. 

Barry Bonds swears his new club, the 
Giants, «an sh it out with Atlanta 
and Cincinnati. "Willie McGee, Robby 
Thompson, Will Clark, Matt 
he says, ticking the names on his fingers. 
“ГИ be driving them in all year.” When 


“If you must know, Mr. Davis, we're 
investigating the baseball-card business because the savings- 
and-loan mess is too complicated for us.” 


the subject is pitching, Bonds’ visions 
aren't so pleasant San Francisco's 
hurlers, he says, will *have a chance." 
The $44 million man worked on his re- 
action time last winter. He'll need it to 
track down rockets in the gaps at Can- 
dlestick. Rookie manager Dusty Baker's 
rotation is chancy at best. Rod Beck may 
be the NLs next great closer, but Jeff 
Brantley and ERA champ Bill Swift, con- 
verted relievers, are stopgaps as starters 
and there аге too many gaps to stop. 

The Dodgers, who paid better than 
five times more to finish last in 1992 
than Cleveland paid to finish fourth, are 
the game's second-biggest mess (see be- 
low, 90 miles south of L.A, for the 
biggest). So desperate were they for re- 
lief that they signed Todd Worrell, who 
spent parts of 1990 and early 1991 
screaming in pain every time he lifted 
a salt shaker, without a medical exam. 
Darryl Strawberry and Eric Davis may 
never play full séasons again. With Ra- 
mon Martinez aching, L.A.'s top starter 
may actually be Kevin Gross, whose 
1992 no-hitter is che sole highlight of a 
totally gross carcer. "Bugsy" Butler is the 
league's inexterminable leadoff man, 
while Eric Karros is a new Steve Garvey 
and Jody Reed is the infield glue the 
Blue needed. Still, Hollywood's team is 
the NLs Bonfire of the Vanities—an incred- 
ibly expensive turkey that looked fair 
in preproduction, tested horribly and 
played out its run as a lame excuse to 
sell popcorn. 

San Diego prohibits calls from em- 
ployees to directory assistance, saving 50 
cents per call. If only the Padres had 
made the move sooner they might have 
been able to sign the hitter they need. 
Bonds wanted to play in San Diego. It 
would have taken only 87.5 million calls 
to 411 to pay him. Instead he's a Giant 
and San Diego's a case study in how not 
to play postmodern baseball. Sign no sig- 
nificant free agents, trade moderately 
priced All-Star Tony Fernandez for thin 
air, gut the farm system to save a measly 
mil or two. Bide your tire, finish sixth, 
sell the team. In the meantime, a gener- 
ation of kids who could have been Padres 
fans falls in love with the Chargers. 

Rockies! It's wall-to-wall at Mile High 
Stadium on April 9, when the homers 
start flying toward Wyoming. In June, 
with the home team 20-40, Mile High 
will still be rocking. David Nied and his 
foshball might be worth 12 wins, while 
Don Baylor's relief corps—ex-Brewer 
Darren Holmes, flamethrower Rudy 
Seanez, submariner Steve Reed—ain't 
bad. Beyond that it’s all downhill to sev- 
enth place. You have to love the Rockies 
anyway. While everyone else in the game 
is calling 911, here's a whole new time 
zone where baseball is king of the hill. 


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KELLER'$ THERAPY 


(continued from page 96) 


“Your life is filled with secrets,’ Breen said. Tm 


afraid it is,’ said Keller “My work demands il. 


2» 


terms with her ex, but... .. 

“That's all right,” Keller said. “I'll call 
him myself." 

He'd called Breen, using Donna's ex- 
husband's name as a reference. “1 doubt 
that he even knows me by name,” Keller 
said. "We got to talking a while back at a 
party and I haven't seen him since. But 
something he said struck a chord with 
me and, well, I thought I ought to сх- 
plore it.” 

“Intuition is always a powerful teach- 
er,” Breen said 

Keller made an appointment, gi 
his name as Peter Stone. Іп his fi 
sion he talked about his work for a large 
and unnamed conglomerate. "They're a 
little old-fashioned when it comes to psy- 
chotherapy,” he told Breen. “So I'm not. 
going to give you an address or tele- 
phone number, and I'll pay for each s 
sion in cash.” 

“Your life is filled with secrets,” Breen 
said. 

"I'm afraid it is, My work demands it.” 

“This is a place where you can be hon- 
est and open. The idea is to uncover the 
secrets you've been keeping from your- 
self. Here you are protected by the sanc- 
tity of the confessional, but it's not my 
task to grant you absolution. Ultimately, 
you absolve yourself.” 

“Well,” Keller said. 

“Meanwhile, you have secrets to keep. 
I respect that. I won't need your address 
or telephone number unless I'm forced 
to cancel an appointment. 1 suggest you 
call to confirm your sessions an hour or 
two ahead of time, or you can take the 
chance of an occasional wasted trip. If 
you have to cancel an appointment, be 
sure to give twenty-four hours’ notice. 
Or I'll have to charge you for the missed 
session." 

“That's fair," Keller said 

He went twice a week, Mondays and 
"Thursdays at two in the afternoon. It 
was hard to tell what they were accom- 
plishing. Sometimes Keller relaxed com- 
pletely on the sofa, talking freely and 
honestly about his childhood. Other 
times he experienced the 50-minute ses- 
sion as a balancing act: He yearned to 
tell everything and was compelled to 
keep it all a secret. 

No one knew he was doing this. Once, 
when he ran into Donna, she asked if. 
he'd ever given the shrink a call, and 
he'd shrugged sheepishly and said he 
hadn't. “1 thought about it," he said, 
"but then somebody told me about this 

sseuse—she does a combination of 
and shiatsu—and 1 have to tell 


152 you, I think it does me more good than 


somebody poking and probing at the in- 
side of my head." 

“Oh, Keller" she'd said, not without 
affection. "Don't ever change." 


It was on a Monday that he recounted 
the dream about the mice. Wednesday 
morning his phone rang, and it was Dot. 
“Не wants to see you,” she said. 

"Be right out," he said. 

He put on a tie and jacket and caught 
a cab to Grand Central and a train to 
White Plains. There he caught another 
cab and told the driver to head out 
Washington Boulevard and to let him off 
at the corner of Norwalk. After the cab 
drove off, he walked up Norwalk to 
Taunton Place and turned left. The sec- 
ond house on the right was an old Victo- 
rian with a wraparound porch. He rang 
the bell and Dot let him in. 

"The upstairs den, Keller.” she said. 
*He's expecting you." 

He went upstairs, and 40 minutes lat- 
er he came down again. A young man 
named Louis drove him back to the sta- 
tion, and on the way they chatted about 
a recent boxing match they'd both seen 
on ESPN. “What I wish," Louis said, "is 
that they had, like, a mute button on the 
remote, except what it would do is mute 
the announcers but you'd still hear the 
crowd noise and the punches landing. 
What you wouldn't have is the constant 
yaramer-yammer-yammer in your ear.” 
Keller wondered if they could do that. “I 
don't see why not," Louis said. “They 
can do everything else. If you can put a 
man on the moon, you ought to be able 
to shut up Al Bernstein.” 

Keller took a train back to New York 
and walked to his apartment. He made a 
couple of phone calls and packed a bag. 
At 3:30 he went downstairs, walked half 
a block, hailed a cab to JFK and picked 
up his boarding pass for American's 5:55 
flight to Tucson. 

In the departure lounge he remem- 
bered his appointment with Breen. He 
called to cancel the Thursday session. 
Since it was less than 24 hours away, 
Breen said, he'd have to charge him for 
the missed session, unless he was able to 
book someone else into the slot. 

"Don't worry about it," Keller told 
him. *I hope I'll be back in time for my 
Monday appoinument, but it's always 
hard to know how long these things are 
going to take. If I can't make it, I should 
at least be able to give you the twenty- 
four hours' notice." 

He changed planes in Dallas and got 


to Tucson shortly before midnight. He 
had no luggage aside from the piece he 
was carrying, but he went to the bag- 
gage-claim area anyway. A rail-thin man 
with a broad-brimmed straw hat held a 
hand-lettered sign that read Noscaasi. 
Keller watched the man for a few min- 
utes and observed that no one else was 
watching him. He went up to him and 
said, "You know, I was figuring it out the 
whole way to Dallas. What I came up 
with, it’s Isaacson spelled backwart 

“That's it,” the man said. “That's ex- 
actly it” He seemed impressed, as if 
Keller had cracked the Japanese naval 
code. He said, “You didn't check a bag, 
did you? I didn't think so. The car's 
this way." 

In the car the man showed Keller 
three photographs, all of the same man, 
heavyset, dark, with glossy black hair 
and a greedy pig face. Bushy mustache, 
bushy eyebrows and enlarged pores on 
his nos 

“That's Rollie Vasquez,” the man said. 
“Son of a bitch wouldn't exactly win a 
beauty contest, would he?” 

“1 guess not." 

"Lets go,” the man said. “Show you 
where he lives, where he eats, where he 
gets his ashes hauled. Rollie Vasquez, 
this is your life.” 

Two hours later the man dropped 
Keller at a Ramada Inn and gave him a 
room key and a car key. “You're all 
checked in," he said. “Car's parked at 
the foot of the staircase closest to your 
room. She's a Mitsubishi Eclipse, pretty 
decent transportation. Color's supposed 
to be silver-blue, but she says gray on 
the papers. Registration's in the glove 
compartment.” 

“There was supposed to be something 
else.” 

“That's in the glove compartment, 
too. Locked, of course, but the one key 
fits the ignition and the glove compart- 
ment. And the doors and the trunk, too. 
And if you turn the key upside down, itll 
sull fit, because there's no up or down to 
it. You really got to hand it to those 


“Магі they think of next?” 

“Well, it may not seem like much,” the 
man said, “but all the time you waste 
making sure you got the right key, then 
making sure you got it right side up” 

“It adds up." 

“It does," the man said. “Now you 
have a full tank of gas. It takes regular, 
but what's in there's enough to take you 
upward of four hundred miles." 

“How're the tires? Never mind. Just a 


joke” 


“And a good one,” the man said. 
“How're the tires?” I like that.” 


The car was where it was supposed to 
be, and the glove compartment held the 
registration and a semiautomatic pistol, 


WE HEAT UP WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN. 


1S 
NT um on! 


N 
ККА 


PLAYBOY 


154 


a .22-caliber Horstmann Sun Dog, 
loaded, with a spare clip lying alongside 
it. Keller slipped the gun and the spare 
clip into his carry-on, locked the car and 
went to his room without passing the 
front desk. 

Alter a shower, he sat down and put 
his feet up on the coffee table. It was all 
arranged, and that made it simpler, but 
sometimes he liked it better the other 
way, when all he had wasa name and ad- 
dress and no one to smooth the way for 
him. This was simple, all right, but who 
knew what traces were being left? Who 
knew what kind of history the gun had, 
or what the string bean with the NOSCAASI 
sign would say if the police picked him 
up and shook him? 

All the more reason to do it quickly. 
He watched enough of an old movie on 
cable to ready him for sleep. When he 
woke up, he went out to the car and took 
his bag with him. He expected to return 
to the room, but if he didn’t, he would 
be leaving nothing behind, not even a 
fingerprint. 

He stopped at Denny's for breakfast. 
Around one he had lunch at a Mexican 
place on Figueroa, In the late afternoon 
he drove into the foothills north of the 
city, and he was still there when the sun 
went down. Then he drove back to the 
Ramada. 

That was Thursday. Friday morning 
the phone rang while he was shaving. 
He let it sing, It raug again as lic was 
showering. He let it ring. It rang again 
just as he was ready to leave. He didn't 
answer it this time, either, but went 
around wiping surfaces a second time 
with a hand towel. Then he went out to 
the car. 

At two that afternoon he followed 
Rolando Vasquez into the mer's room of 
the Saguaro Lanes bowling alley and 
shot him three times in the head. The lit- 
tle gun didn’t make much noise, not 
even in the confines of the tiled lavatory. 
Earlier he had fashioned an improvised 
suppressor by wrapping the barrel of the 
gun with a space-age insulating material 
that muffled the gun’s report without 
adding much weight or bulk. If you 
could do that, he thought, you ought to 
bc able to shut up Al Bernstein. 

He left Vasquez propped in a stall, left 
the gun in a storm drain half a mile 
away, left the car in the long-term lot at 
the airport. Flying home, he wondered 
why they had needed him in the first 
place. They'd supplied the car and the 
gun and the finger man. Why not do it 
themselves? Did they really need to 
bring him all the way from New York to 


step on the mouse? 
. 


"You said to think about my name,” he 
told Breen. “The significance of it. But I 
don't see how it could have any sig- 
nificance. It’s not as if I chose it.” 


“Let me suggest something.” Breen 


said. “There is a metaphysical principle 
which holds that we choose everything 
about our lives, that we select the par- 
ents we are born to, that everything 
which happens in our lives is a manifes- 
tation of our wills. Thus, there are no ас- 
cidents, no coincidences.” 

“I don't know if I believe that.” 

“You don't have to. We'll just take it as 
a postulate. So assuming that you chose 
the name Peter Stone, what does your 
choice tell us?” 

Keller, stretched full length upon the 
couch, was not enjoying this. "Well, a 
peters a penis,” he said reluctantly. 
“A stone peter would be an erection, 
wouldn't it?” 

“Would it?” 

“So I suppose a guy who decides to 
call himself Peter Stone would have 
ng to prove. Anxiety about his 
5 that what you want me to say?" 

“I want you to say whatever you wish,” 
Breen said. “Are you anxious about your 
virility?” 

“I never thought I was,” Keller said. 
“OF course, it’s hard to say how much 
anxiety 1 might have had back before 1 
was born, around the time 1 was picking 
my parents and deciding what name 
they should choose for me. At that age 
I probably had a certain amount of 
difficulty maintaining an erection, so 1 
guess I had a lot to be anxious about.” 

“And now?” 

“1 don't have a performance problem, 
if that’s the question. I'm not the way I 
was in my teens, ready to go three or 
four times a night, but then, who in his 
right mind would want to? I can gener- 
ally get the job done.” 

“You get the job done.” 

“Right.” 

“You perform.” 

“Is there something wrong with that?” 

“What do you think?” 

“Don't do that,” Keller said. "Don't an- 
swer a question a question. If 1 ask a 
question and you don't want to respond, 
just leave it alone. But don’t turn it back 
on me. It’s irritating.” 

Breen said, “You perform, you get the 
job done. But what do you feel, Mr. Peter 


“It is unquestionably true that peter is 
a colloquialism for the penis, but it has 
an earlier meaning. Do you recall 
Christ's words to Peter? ‘Thou art Peter, 
and upon this rock I shall build my 
church.’ Because Peter means rock. Our 
Lord was making a pun. So your first 
name means rock and your last name is 
Stone. What does that give us? Rock and 
stone. Hard, unyielding, obdurate. In- 
sensitive, Unfeeling —” 

“Stop,” Keller said. 

“In the dream, when you kill the mice, 
what do you feel?" 

“Nothing. I just want to get the job 
done.” 

“Do you feel their pain? Do you feel 


pride in your accomplishment, satisfac- 
tion in a job well done? Do you feel a 
thrill, a sexual pleasure, in their deaths?” 
“Nothing,” Keller said. “І feel noth- 
g. Could we stop for a moment?” 
What do you feel right now?” 

"I'm just a little sick to my stomach, 
that’s all." 

“Do you want to use the bathroom? 
Shall I get you a glass of water?" 

"No, I'm all right. It's better when I sit 
up. It'll pass. It's passing already." 


Sitting at his window, watching not 
marathoners but cars streaming over the 
Queensboro Bridge, Keller thought 
about names. What was particularly an- 
noying, he thought, was that he didn’t 
need to be under the care ofa board-cer- 
tified metaphysician to acknowledge the 
implications of the name Peter Stone. Не 
had chosen it, but not in the manner ofa 
soul deciding what parents to be born to 
and planting names in their heads. He 
had picked the name when he called to 
make his initial appointment with Jer- 
rold Breen. “Name?” Breen had de- 
manded. “Stone,” he had replied. “Peter 
Stone.” 

Thing is, he wasn’t stupid. Cold, un- 
yielding, insensitive, but not stupid. If 
you wanted to play the name game, you 
didn’t have to limit yourself to the alias 
he had selected. You could have plenty 
of tun with the name he'd had all his hie. 

His full name was John Paul Keller, 
but no one called him anything but 
Keller, and few people even knew his 
first and middle names. His apartment 
lease and most of the cards in his wallet 
showed his name as J. P. Keller. Just 
Plain Keller was what people called him, 
men and women alike. (“The upstairs 
den, Keller. He's expecting you." “Оһ, 
Keller, don'tever change." “I don't know 
how to say this, Keller, but I'm simply 
not getting my needs met in this 

7) 


relatio! 
Keller. In German it meant cellar, or 
tavern. But the hell with that. You didn’t 
need to know what it meant in a foreign 
language. Change a vowel. Killer. 
Clear enough, wasn't it? 


On the couch, eyes closed, Keller said, 
“I guess the therapy's working.” 

“Why do you say that? 

“I met a girl last night, bought her a 
couple of drinks and went home with 
her. We went to bed and I couldn't do 
anything.” 
“You couldn't do anything?" 
“Well, if you want to be technical, 
there were things I could have done. I 
could have typed a letter or sent out for 
a pizza. 1 could have sung Melancholy 
Baby. But I couldn't do what we'd both 
been hoping I would do, which was to 
have sex." 


“You меге impotent?" 

“You know, you're very sharp. You 
never miss a trick.” 

“You blame me for your impotence,” 
Breen said. 

“Do I? I don't know about that. I'm 
not sure I even blame myself. To tell you 
the truth, I was more amused than dev- 
амай. And she wasn't upset, perhaps 
out of relief that I wasn’t upset. But just 
зо nothing like that happens again, I've 
decided to change my name to Dick 
Hardin. 

"What was your father's name?" 

“Му father,” Keller said. “Jesus, what a 
question. Where did that come from?" 

Breen didn't say anything 

Neither, for several minutes, did 
Keller. Then, eyes closed, he said, "I 
never knew my father. He was a soldier. 
He was killed in action before I was 
born. Or he was shipped overseas before 
I was born and killed when I was a few 
months old. Or possibly he was home 
when I was born or came home on leave 
when I was small, and he held me on his 
knee and told me he was proud of me.” 

“You have such a memory?” 

“No,” Keller said. “The only memory 
I have is of my mother telling me about 
him, and that's the source of the confu- 
sion, because she told me different 
things at different times. Either he was 
killed before I was born or shortly after, 
and either he died without seeing me or 
he saw me one time and sat me on his 
Knee. She was a good woman, but she 
was vague about a lot of things. The one 
thing she was completely clear on was 
that he was a soldier. And he was killed 
over there. 

“And his name?” 

Was Keller, he thought “Same as 
mine,” he said. "But forget the name, 
this is more important than the name. 
Listen to this. She had a picture of him, 
а head-and-shoulders shot, this good- 
looking young soldier in a uniform and 
wearing a cap, the kind that folds flat 
when you take it off. The picture was in 
a gold frame on her dresser when I was 
alittle kid. 

"And then one day the picture wasn't 
there anymore. ‘It’s gone,’ she said. And 
that was all she would say on the subject. 
I was older then, I must have been seven 
or eight years old. 

“Couple of years later I got a dog. I 
named him Soldier, after my father. 
Years after that, two things occurred to 
me. One, Soldier’s a funny thing to calla 
dog. Two, whoever heard of naming a 
dog afier his father? But at the time it 
didn't seem the least bit unusual to me.” 

“What happened to the dog?” 

“He became impotent. Shut up. will 
you? What I'm getting to is a lot more 
important than the dog. When I was 
fourteen, fifteen years old, I used to 
work afier school helping out this guy 
who did odd jobs in the neighborhood. 
Cleaning out basements and attics, haul- 


ing trash, that sort of thing. One time 
this notions store went out of business, 
the owner must have died, and we were 
cleaning out the basement for the new 
tenant. Boxes of junk all over the place, 
and we had to go through everything, 
because part of how this guy made his 
money was selling off the stuff he got 
paid to haul. But you couldnt go 
through all this ctap too thoroughly or 
you were wasting time. 

“I was checking out this one box, and 
what do I pull out but a framed picture 
of my father. The very same picture that 
sat on my mother's dresser, him in his 
uniform and his military cap, the picture 
that disappeared, it's even in the same 
frame, and what's it doing here?” 

Not a word from Breen: 

“I can still remember how 1 felt 
Stunned, like Twilight Zone time. Then 1 
reach back into the box and pull out the 
first thing I touch, and it's the same pic- 
ture in the same frame. 

“The box is full of framed pictures, 
About half of them are the soldier, and 
the others are a fresh-faced blonde with 
her hair in a pageboy and a big smile on 
her face. It was a box of frames. ‘They 
used to package inexpensive frames that 
way, with photos in them for display. For 
all I know they still do. My mother must 
have bought a frame in a five-and-dime 
and told me it was my father. Then when 
І got a little older, she got rid of it. 

“I took one of the framed photos 
home with me. I didn’t say anything to 
her, I didn’t show it to her, but I kept it 
around fora while. I found out the pho- 
to dated from World War Two. In other 
words, it couldn't have been a picture of 
my father, because he would have been 
wearing a different uniform. 

“By this time I think 1 already knew 
that the story she told me about my 
father was, well, a story. I don’t believe 
she knew who my father was. I think she 
got drunk and went with somebody, or 
maybe there were several different men. 
What difference does it make? She 
moved to another town, she told people 
she was married, that her husband was 
in the service or that he was dead, what- 
ever she told them.” 

“How do you feel aboı T 

"How do I feel about it?" Keller shook 
his head. “If I slammed my hand in a cab 
door, you'd ask me how 1 felt about i 

"And you'd be stuck for an answer," 
Breen said. "Here's a question for you: 
Who was your father?" 

^| just told you." 

"But someone fathered you. Whether 
or not you knew him, whether or not 
your mother knew who he was, there 
was a particular man who planted the 
зеса that grew into you. Unless you be- 
lieve yourself to be the second coming of 
Christ.” 


o," Keller said. “That's one delu- 
sion I've been spared.” 
“So tell me who he was, this man who 


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spawned you. Not on the basis of what 

you were told or what you've managed 

to figure out. I'm not asking the part of 

you that thinks and reasons. I’m asking 

the part of you that simply knows. Who 

was your father? What was your father?” 
“He was а soldier,” Keller said. 


Keller, walking uptown on Second Av- 
enue, found himself standing in front of 
a pet shop, watching a couple of puppies 
cayorting in the window. 

He went inside. One wall was given 
over to stacked cages of puppies and kit- 
tens. Keller felt his spirits sink as he 
looked into the cages. Waves of sadness 
rocked him. 

He turned away and looked at the oth- 
er pets. Birds in cages, gerbils and 
snakes in dry aquariums, tanks of tropi- 
cal fish. He felt all right about them; it 
was the puppies that he couldn't bear to 
Took at 

He left the store. The next day he 
went to an animal shelter and walked 
past cages of dogs waiting to be adopted. 
This time the sadness was overwhelm- 
ing, and he felt its physical pressure 
against his chest. Something must have 
shown on his face, because the young 
woman in charge asked him if he was 
all right. 

“Just a dizzy spell,” he said. 

In the office she told him that they 
could probably accommodate him if he 
was espedally interested in a particular 
breed. They could keep his name on file, 
and when a specimen of that breed be- 
came available. 

“I don't think I сап have a pet,” he 
said. “I travel too much. I can’t handle 
the responsibility.” The woman didn’t 
respond, and Keller’s words echoed in 
her silence. “But | want to make a dona- 
tion,” he said. “I want to support the 
work you do.” 

He got out his wallet, pulled bills from 
it, handed them to her without counting. 
them. “An anonymous donation,” he 
said. “1 don't want a receipt. I'm sorry 
for taking your time. Um sorry I can't 
adopt a dog. Thank you. Thank you 
very much.” 

She was saying something, but he 
didn't listen. He hurried out of th 


““І want to support the work you do.” 
That's what I told her, and then I rushed 
out of there because 1 didn’t want her 
thanking me. Or asking questions.” 

“What would she ask?” 

“I don't know,” Keller said. He rolled 
over on the couch, facing away from 
Breen, facing the wall. “Ч want to sup- 
port the work you do.’ But I don't know 
what their work is. They find homes for 
some animals, and what do they do with 
the others? Put them to sleep?” 

“Perhaps.” 


“What do [ want to support? The 
placement or the killing?” 

“You tell me.” 

“I tell you too much as it i: 
said. 

“Or not enough.” 

Keller didn't say anything. 

“Why did it sadden you to see the 
dogs in their cages 

“I felt their sadness." 

"One feels only one's own sadness. 
Why is it sad to you, a dog in a cage? Are 
you in a cage?" 

“No.” 


“Your dog, Soldier. Tell me about 
ns 


Keller said. “I guess I 
. 


A session or two later, Breen said, 

“You have never been married?” 
о. 
was married.” 

“Oh?” 

“For eight years. She was my recep- 
tionist. She booked my appointments, 
showed clients to the waiting room. Now 
I have no receptionist. A machine an- 
swers the phone. I check the machine 
between appointments and take and re- 
turn calls at that time. If I had had а ma- 
chine in the first place, l'd have been 
spared a lot of agony.” 

"It wasn't a good marriage?" 

Breen didn't seem to have heard Ше 
question. “I wanted children. She һай 
three abortions in cight years and never 
told me. Never said a word. Then one 
day she threw it in my face. I'd been to a 
doctor, I'd had tests and all indications 
were that I was fertile, with a high sperm 
count and extremely motile sperm. So I 
wanted her to see a doctor. ‘You fool. Гуе 
killed three of your babies already, so 
why don't you leave me alone? I told 
her I wanted a divorce. She said it would 
cost me.” 

“And?” 

"We've been divorced for nine years. 
Every month I write an alimony check 
and put it in the mail. If it were up to 
me, Pd burn the money.” 

Breen fell silent. After a moment 
Keller said, “Why are you telling me all 
this?” 

“Мо reason.” 

“Is it supposed to relate to something 
in my psyche? Am I supposed to make a 
connection, clap my hand to my fore- 
head and say, ‘Of course, of course! I've 
been so blind!” 

“You confide in me,” Breen said. “It 
seems only fitting that I confide in you.” 


Dot called a couple of days later. 
Keller took a train to White Plains, 
where Louis met him at the station and 
drove him to the house on Taunton 
Place. Later, Louis drove him back to the 
train station and he returned to the city. 


He timed his call to Breen so that he 
got the man's machine. “This is Peter 
Stone,” he said. "I'm flying to San Diego 
on business. ГЇЇ have to miss my next ap- 
pointment and possibly the one after 
that. I'll try to let you know." 

He hung up, packed a bag and rode 
the Amtrak to Philadelphia. 

No one met his train. The man іп 
White Plains had shown him a photo- 
graph and given hima slip of paper with 
а пате and address on it. The шап in 
question managed an adult bookstore 
a few blocks from Independence Hall. 
There was a tavern across the street, a 
perfect vantage point, but one look in- 
side made it clear to Keller that he 
couldn't spend time there without call- 
ing attention to himself, not unless he 
first got rid of his tie and jacket and 
spent 20 minutes rolling around in the 
gutter. 

Down the street Keller found a diner, 
and if he sat at the far end, he could 
keep an eye on the bookstore's mirrored 
front windows. He had а cup of coffee, 
then walked across the street to the 
bookstore, where two men were on duty. 
One was a sad-eyed youth from India or 
Pakistan, the other the jowly, slightly ex- 
ophthalmic fellow in the photo Keller 
had seen in White Plains. 

Keller walked past a wall of videocas- 
settes and leafed through a display of 
magazines. He had been there for about 
15 minutes when the kid said he was go- 
ing for his dinner. The older man said, 
"Oh, it's that time already, huh? OK, but 
make sure you're back by seven for а 
change, will you?” 

Keller looked at his watch. It was six 
o'dock. The only other customers were 
closeted in video booths in the back. Still, 
the kid had had a look at him, and what 
was the big hurry, anyway? 

He grabbed a couple of magazines 
and paid for them. The jowly man 
bagged them and sealed the bag with a 
strip of tape. Keller stowed his purchase 
in his carry-on and went to find a hotel. 

The next day he went to a museum 
and a movie and arrived at the book- 
store at ten minutes after six. The young 
clerk was gone, presumably having a 
plate of curry somewhere. The jowly 
man was behind the counter and there 
were three customers in the store, two 
checking the video selections, one look- 
ing at the magazines. 

Keller browsed, hoping they would 
clear out. At one point he was standing 
in front of a wall of videos and it turned 
into a wall of caged puppies. It was mo- 
mentary, and he couldn't tell if it was a 
genuine hallucination or just some sort 
of flashback. Whatever it was, he didn't 
like it. 

One customer left, but the other two 
lingered, and then someone new came 
in off the street. The Indian kid was due 
back in half an hour, and who knew if he 
would take his full hour, anyway? 


Keller approached the counter, trying 
to look a little more nervous than he 
felt. Shifty eyes, furtive glances. Pitching 
his voice low, he said, “Talk to you in 
private?” 

“About what?” 

Eyes down, shoulders drawn in, he 
said, “Something special.” 

“If it's got to do with little kids,” the 
man said, “no disrespect intended, but I 
don't know nothing about it, I don't 
want to know nothing about it and I 
wouldn't even know where to steer you." 

“Nothing like that,” Keller said. 

They went into a room in back. The 
jowly man closed the door, and as he was 
turning around, Keller hit him with the 
edge of his hand at the juncture of his 
neck and shoulder. The man's knees 
buckled, and in an instant Keller had a 
loop of wire around his neck. In another 
minute he was out the door, and within 
the hour he was on the northbound 
Metroliner. 

When he got home, he realized he still 
had the magazines in his bag. That was 
sloppy. He should have discarded them 
the previous night, but he'd simply for- 
gotten them and never even unsealed 
the package. 

Nor could he find a reason to unseal it. 
now. He carried it down the hall and 
dropped it into the incinerator. Back in 
his apartment, he fixed himself a weak 
scotch and water and watched a docu- 


mentary on the Discovery Channel. The 
vanishing rain forest, one more god- 
damned thing to worry about. 


"Oedipus," Jerrold Breen said, hold 
ing his hands in front of his chest, his 
fingertips pressed together. “I presume 
you know the story. He killed his father 
and married his mother." 

“Two pitfalls I've thus far managed to 
avoid." 

"Indeed," Breen said. "But have you? 
When you fly off somewhere in your 
official capacity as corporate expediter, 
when you shoot trouble, as it were, what 
exactly are you doing? You fire people, 
you cashier divisions, close plants, ге- 
arrange lives. Is that a fair description?" 

“1 suppose so." 

"There's an implied violence. Firing a 
man, terminating his career, is the sym- 
bolic equivalent of killing him. And he's 
a stranger, and I shouldn't doubt that 
the more important of these men аге 
more often than not older than you, isn't 
that so? 

“What's the point?" 

“When you do what you do, it's as if 
you are seeking out and killing your un- 
known father." 

“T don't know,” Keller said. “Isn't that 
a little farfetched?” 

"And your relationships vith women," 


Breen went on, "have a strong Oedipal 
component. Your mother was a vague 
and unfocused woman, incompletely 
present in your life, incapable of con- 
necting with others. Your own relation- 
ships with women are likewise out of fo- 
cus. Your problems with impotence 

"Once!" 

"Are a natural consequence of this 
confusion. Your mother is dead now, 
isn’t that so?" 

MED 

"And your father is not to be found 
and almost certainly deceased. What's 
called for, Peter, is an act specifically de- 
signed to reverse this pattern on a sym- 
bolic level." 

“Т don't follow you.” 

"It's a subtle point,” Breen admitted. 
He crossed his legs, propped an elbow 
ona knee, extended his thumb and rest- 
ed his bony chin on it. Keller thought, 
not. for the first time, that Breen must 
have been a stork in a prior life. “Ifthere 
were a male figure in your life," Breen 
went on, "preferably at least a few vears 
your senior, someone playing a paternal 
role vis-à-vis yourself, someone to whom 
you turn for advice and direction." 

Keller thought of the man in White 
Plains. 

"Instead of killing this man,” Breen 
said, “symbolically, I am speaking sym 
bolically throughout, but instead of 
killing him as you have done with father 


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PLAYBOY 


158 


figures in the past, you might do some- 
thing to nourish this man.” 

Cook a meal for the man in White 
Plains? Buy him a hamburger? Toss him 
a salad? 

“Perhaps you could think of a way to 
use your talents to this man’s benefit in- 
stead of to his detriment,” Breen went 
on. Нс drew а handkerchief from his 
pocket and mopped his forchcad. “Per- 
haps there is a woman in his life—your 
mother, symbolically—and perhaps she 
is a source of great pain to your father. 
So, instead of making love to her and 
slaying him, like Oedipus, you might re- 
verse the usual course of things by, uh, 
showing love to him and slaying her.” 

“Oh,” Keller said. 

“Symbolically, that is to say.” 

“Symbolically,” Keller said. 


. 


A week later Breen handed Keller a 
photograph. “This is called the thematic 
apperception test,” Breen said. “You 
look at the photograph and make up a 
story about it." 

“What kind of story?” 

"Any kind at all," Breen said. "This is 
an exercise in imagination. You look at 
the subject of the photograph and imag- 
ine what sort of woman she is and what 
she is doing.” 

"The photo was in color and showed a 


rather elegant brunette dressed in tai- 
огей clothing. She had a dog on a leash 
The dog was medium-sized, with a 
chunky body and an alert expression. It 
was the color that dog people call blue 
and that everyone else calls gray. 

"It's a woman and a dog," Keller said. 

“Very good.” 

Keller took a breath. “The dog сап 
talk,” he said, "but he won't do it in front 
of other people. The woman made fool 
of herself once when she tried to show 
him off. Now she knows better. When 
they're alone, he talks а blue streak, and 
the son of a bitch has an opinion on 
everything from the real cause of the 
Thirty Years’ War to the best recipe for 
lasagna” 

"He's quite a dog,” Вгееп said. 

"Yes, and now the woman doesn't 
want people to know he can talk, be- 
cause she's afraid they might take him 
away from her. In this picture they're in 
a park. It looks like Central Park.” 

“Or perhaps Washington Square.” 

“It could be Washington Square,” 
Keller agreed. “The woman is crazy 
about the dog. The dog's not so sure 
about the woman.” 

“And what do you think about the 
woman?” 

"She's attractive," Keller said. 

“On the surface," Breen said. “Under- 
neath, it's another story, believe me. 


"He was nice enough, but he's looking for someone 
more like Cindy Crawford.” 


Where do you suppose she liv. 

Keller gave it some thought. “Cleve- 
land,” he said. 

“Cleveland? Why Cleveland, for God's 
sake? 

“Everybody's got to be someplace.” 

“If I were taking this test," Breen said, 
“га probably imagine the woman living 
at the foot of Fifth Avenuc, at Washing- 
ton Square. I'd have her living at Num- 
ber One Fifth Avenue, perhaps because 
I'm familiar with that building. You see, 
1 once lived there.” 

“Oh?” 

“In a spacious apartment on a high 
floor. And once a month,” he continued, 
“I write an enormous check and mail it 
to that address, which used to be mine. 
So it's only natural that I would have this 
particular building in mind, especially 
when 1 look at this particular photo.” 
His eyes met Keller's. “You have a ques- 
tion, don’t you? Go ahead and ask it.” 

“What breed is the dog?” 

“As it happens,” Breen said, “it’s an 
Australian cattle dog. Looks like a mon- 
grel, doesn't it? Believe me, it doesn't 


therapy,” Breen said. "I want to ac- 
knowledge you for the work you're do- 
ing. And I just know you'll do the right 
thing.” 


A few days later Keller was sitting on a 
park bench in Washington Square. He 
folded his newspaper and walked over to 
a dark-haired woman wearing a blazer 
and a beret. “Excuse me,” he said, “but 
isn’t that an Australian cattle dog?” 

“That's right,” she said. 

“Irs a handsome animal,” he said. 
“You don’t see many of them.” 

“Most people think he's a mutt. It's 
such an esoteric breed. Do you own one 
yourself?” 

“I did. My ex-wife got custody.” 

“How sad for you.” 

“Sadder still for the dog. His name 
was Soldier, Is Soldier, unless she's 
changed it.” 

“This fellow’s name is Nelson. That's 
his call name_ Of course, the name on 
the papers isa real mouthful.” 

“Do you show him?” 

“He's seen it all," she said. “You can't 
show hima thing.” 


“I went down to the Village last week,” 
Keller said, “and the damnedest thing 
happened. 1 met a woman in the park.” 

“Is that the damnedest thing?” 

“Well, it’s unusual for me. I meet 
women at bars and parties, or someone 
introduces us. But we met and talked, 
and then I ran into her the following 
morning. I bought her a cappuccino.” 

“You just happened to run into her on 


two successive days." 


"In the Village?" 

"It's where I live." 

Breen frowned. "You shouldnt be 
seen vith her, should you?" 

“Why not?" 

"Don't you think it's dangerous?" 

"All it's cost me so far," Keller said, "is 
the price of a cappuccino." 

“I thought we had an understanding.” 

"An understanding?" 

"You don't live in the Village," Breen 
said. "I know where you live. Don't look 
surprised. The first time you left here I 
watched you from the window. You be- 
haved as though you were trying to 
avoid being followed. So I took my time. 
and when you stopped taking precau- 
tions, 1 followed you. It wasn't that 
difficult." 

“Why follow me?” 

"To find out who you are. Your name 
is Keller, you live at Eight-six-five First 
Avenue. I already knew what you were. 
Anybody might have known just from 
listening to your dreams. And paying in 
cash, and the sudden business trips. I 
still don't know who employs you, crime 
bosses or the government, but what dif- 
ference does it make? Have you been to 


“Answer the question.” 
“Yes, I have. 2 
. And were you able to 


“I was just thinking,” Keller said, “that 
it was quite a performance.” 

Breen was silent for a long moment, 
his eyes fixed on a spot above and to the 
right of Keller's shoulder. Then he said, 
“This is profoundly disappointing. I 
hoped you would find the strength to 
transcend the Ocdipal myth, not merely 
reenact it. You've had fun, haven't you? 
What a naughty boy you've been. What a 
triumph you've scored over your sym- 
bolic father. You've taken this woman to 
bed. No doubt you have visions of get- 
ting her pregnant, so that she can give 
you what she cruelly denied him. Eh?" 

"Never occurred to me." 

“It would, sooner or later" Breen 
leaned forward, concern showing on his 
face, "I hate to see you sabotaging your 
therapeutic progress this way,” he said. 
“You were doing so well.” 


From the bedroom window you could 
look down at Washington Square Park. 
There were plenty of dogs there now, 
but none were Australian cattle dogs. 


“Some view” Keller said. “Some 
apartment.” 
“Believe me,” she said, "I earned it. 


You're getting dressed. Are you going 
somewhere?” 


“Just feeling a little restless. OK if I 
take Nelson for a walk?” 

“Yow're spoiling him,” 
“You're spoiling both of us.” 


she said 


On a Wednesday morning, Keller 
took a cab to La Guardia and a plane to 
St. Louis. He had a cup of coffee with an 
associate of the man in White Plains and 
caught an evening flight back to New 
York. He took another cab directly to the 
apartment building at the foot of Fifth 
Avenue. 

“I'm Peter Stone,” he said to the door- 
man. “Mrs. Breen is expecting me.” 

The doorman stared. 

“Mrs. Breen,” Keller said. “In Seven- 
teen 

“Jesus.” 

“Is something the matter?” 


“I guess you haven't heard,” the door- 
man said. “I wish it wasn’t me who had 
to tell you.” 


“You killed her,” he said. 

"Thats ridiculous,” Breen told Kel- 
ler. “She killed herself. She threw herself. 
out the window. If you want my profes- 
sional opinion, she was suffering from 
depression.” 

“If you want my professional opinion,” 
Keller said, “she had help.” 

“I wouldn’t advance that argument if 
I were you,” Breen said. “If the police 
were to look for a murderer, they might 
look long and hard at Mr. Stone- 
hyphen-Keller, the stone killer. And 1 
might have to tell them how the usual 
process of transference went awry, how 
you became obsessed with me and my 
personal life, how I couldn't dissuade 
you from some insane plan to reverse 
the Oedipus complex. And then they 
might ask you why you employ an alias 
and just how you make your living. Do 
you see why it might be best to let sleep- 
ing dogs lie?” 

As if on cue, Nelson stepped out from 
behind the desk. He caught sight of 
Keller and his tail began to wag. 

“Sit,” Breen said. “You see? He's well 
trained. You might take а seat yourself.” 

"I'll stand. You killed her and then 
you walked off with the dog.” 

Breen sighed. “The police found the 
dog in the apartment, whimpering in 
front of the open window. After I iden- 
tified the body and told them about her 
previous suicide attempts, I volunteered 
to take the dog home with me. ‘There 
was no one else to look after 

“I would have taken him, Keller said, 

“But that won't be necessary, will it? 
You won't be called upon to walk my dog 
or make love to my wife or bed down in 
my apartment. Your services are no 
longer required.” Breen seemed to re- 
coil at the harshness of his own words. 
His face softened. "You'll be able to get 
back to the far more important business 


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162 


of therapy. In fact" he indicated the 
couch, “why not stretch out right now?” 

“That's not a bad idea. First, though, 
could you put the dog in the other 
room?" 

^Not afraid he'll interrupt, are you? 
Justa little joke. He can wait in the outer 
office. There you go, Nelson. Good 
dog . . . oh, no. How dare you bring a 
gun. Put that down immediately." 

“1 don't think so." 

“For God's sake, why kill me? I'm not 
your father, Гтп your therapist. It makes 
no sense for you to kill me. You have 
nothing to gain and everything to lose. 
178 completely irrational. It's worse than 
that, it's neurotically self-destructive " 

^] guess I'm not cured yet.” 

“What's that, gallows humor? It hap- 
pens to be truc. You're a long way from 
cured, my friend. As a matter of fact, I 
would say you're approaching a psy- 
chotherapeutic crisis. How will you get 
through it if you shoot me?” 

Keller went to the window, flung it 
wide open. “I'm not going to shoot you,” 
he said 

“Туе never been the least bit suicidal,” 
Вгееп said, pressing his back against a 
wall of bookshelves. "Never." 

“You’ve grown despondent over the 
death of your ex-wife." 

“That's sickening, just sickening. And 
who would believe it? 

“We'll see,” Keller told him. “As far as 
the therapeutic crisis is concerned, well, 
we'll see about that, too. I'll think of 
something.” 


"The woman at the animal shelter said, 
“Talk about coincidence. One day you 


come in and put your name down for 
an Australian cattle dog. You know, 
that's quite an uncommon breed in this 
country.” 

“You don't see many of them." 

“And what came in this morning? A 
perfectly lovely Australian cattle dog. 
You could have knocked me over with a 
sledgehammer. Isn't he a beauty?” 

“He certainly is." 

“He's been whimpering ever since he 
got here. It’s very sad. His owner died 
and there was nobody to keep him. My 
goodness, look how he went right to you. 
I think he likes you." 

"I'd say we're made for each other." 

"I believe it. His name is Nelson, but 
you can change it, of course." 

"Nelson, he said. The dog's cars 
perked up. Keller reached to give him a 
scratch. "No, I don't think I'll have to 
change it. Who was Nelson, anyway? 
Some kind of English hero, wasn't he? A 
famous general or something?" 

“I think an admiral.” 

“It rings а muted bell," he said. “Not 
a soldier but a sailor. Well, that's close 
enough, wouldn't you say? Now, I sup- 
pose there's an adoption fee and some 
papers to fill out.” 

When they handled that part she said, 
"I still can't get over it. The coincidence 
and all." 

“I knew a man once," Keller said, 
“who insisted there was no such thing as 
a coincidence or an accident." 

"Well, I wonder how he would explain 
this." 

“Td like to hear him try,” Keller said. 
"Let's go, Nelson. Good boy." 


“And in addition to the severance pay and insurance, we're 
providing this executive retraining kit.” 


| ІП 
M ELP WANTED 
(continued from page 90) 

and reliance on temporary help. 

Workers will have to accept the in- 
evitability of lowering their expectations 
in return for stability. Sheer necessity 
would force it in the end, anyway. This 
will often mean reduced wages, but they 
will, it is hoped, be accompanied by 
more reliable health and pension pack- 
ages. (Europe is already responding to 
its stresses in a way that suggests our 
future. Scottish, Portuguese and Austri- 
an workers have attempted to lure fac- 
tories from France by offering costs as 
much as 25 percent lower. In one case, 
workers even renounced the right to 
strike.) The frightening period of job- 
lessness we face will gradually condition 
workers to do whatever they must to get 
in step with market forces. 


Unfortunately, the will on both sides 
to choose compromise over confronta- 
tion may take years to develop. 

Perhaps to facilitate that process, Pres- 
ident Clinton could convene another 
economic summit where he would as- 
semble chief executives and labor lead- 
ers to entertain the following questions: 

e How much of the joblessness is at- 
tributable to machines? Would more 
human input improve the quality of 
production? 

e Сап a smaller work force realistical- 
ly handle a larger work load? 

* What part of the reduction in per- 
manent jobs derives from the use of tem- 
porary or contract workers? What are 
the drawbacks to using such workers? 

* How much unemployment is entire- 
ly the result of the recession? How much 
rehiring can we expect after a pickup? 

e Do most companies think their size 
will be shrinking for years to come? 

The Senate Committee on Labor and 
Human Resources could hold hearings 
at the same time and get expert testimo- 
ny on these points. Heads of consumer 
groups might also be asked to testify on 
whether a world of more machine-made 
products and less personal service re- 
duces the quality ot life. For example, 
there are complaints about stores that 
have shelves filled with products and no 
employees to help customers locate them. 

From all the insider comments, we 
could deduce the answer to the critical 
question: Are many employees really su- 
perfiuous in today's America? If a better 
job can be done with far fewer people, 
we might have to accommodate extreme 
joblessness. Even so, government would 
have to fight unemployment with cre- 
ative economic devices, just as it has sup- 
ported farm prices for much of this cen- 
tury in order to keep farmers going. We 
would have to invent new laws to pro- 
vide steadier incomes for more people, 


some possibilities: 

e Speed the inevitable wage decline 
that accompanies any big rise in new 
hiring. Allow companies to be exempt 
from the minimum-wage requirements 
for some young or unskilled workers. 
Chances are, we will soon see devices 
emerging that legalize the exemption of 
the minimum-wage law. The officially 
fixed level will not be rolled back soon. 
There will first be government programs 
with special names to glamourize the fact 
that some young workers are indeed 
being paid less for their time than the 
imum wage. Private companies may 
then be allowed to adopt similar formu- 
las for workers who get special training. 
Activists in the White House, Labor De- 
partment and Congress can engineer 
this once it is finally recognized that a 
low steady wage beats no wage at all. 

© Make companies contribute to a 
modest benefit plan even for their tem- 
porary or contract workers. After earn- 
ing some specified amount per year, 
such workers would begin to accumulate. 
portable pensions, a reasonable level of 
health benefits and some unemployment 
pay during layoff periods. By providing 
minimal quasi-employee benefits to tem- 
porary workers, companies could retain 
some of their payroll savings without 
devastating the economy. 

* Governments should offer cash in- 
centives to companies to encourage and 
directly supervise on-the-job training. It 
has been repeatedly shown that tr 
t level of unskilled and une: 
ployed workers accomplishes little. Even 
when these workers master new skills, 
the economy seldom has new jobs to 
offer them. Giving additional skills to 
the employed has a far better chance 
of expanding both production and job 
opportunities. Many employers conduct 
meaningful training programs, especial- 
ly for younger workers. But companies 
should consider upgrading job skills for 
all workers, as employers can often de- 
liver vocational instruction better and 
more cheaply than can schools. 

© A new arrangement of capital gains 
taxes should greatly increase the tax ad- 
vantage of holding stocks for substantial 
lengths of time—say, for more than five 
years. This could be a way to make 
shareholders understand the need for 
management to put long-range plan- 
ning ahead of quarterly and annual re- 
sults. And that, in turn, would permit 
managers to install employment and 
training programs meant for the future. 

e As another, and distinctly offbeat, 
example, the U.S. government might set 
the pace for other nations by reversing 
an antilabor policy it carried for some 20 
years. The Investment Tax Credit policy, 
which was introduced in the mid-Sixties 
and continued into the Eighties, encour- 
ics through tax incentives 
e equipment. In effect, the 


companies were paid a lot of money to 
buy machinery that would reduce the 
need for people. Nobody ever put it in 
those terms, of course. It was all hailed 
as a creative way to increase efficiency 
and boost productivity. But the ability to 
produce more with fewer workers must 
lead to layoffs. 

Why not turn that principle around 
and give a human employment credit? 
In its simplest form, it could mandate a 
ten percent reduction in the normal cor- 
porate tax to any company that added 
five percent to its work force. Buy all the 
gadgetry you want, but your tax credit 
would come from hiring people doing 
productive work. 

Not every company would stop high- 
tech additions and cuts in employment. 
Many would weigh the merits of the tax 
saving and pass up the chance. There 
would still be plenty of modernization. 
‘The scales in its favor would merely tip 
back a little. The fight against this on 
Capitol Hill would be rough. Many 
economists and other analysts would 
object. Moving toward an cmphasis on 
human jobs would strike them as a 
backward step, lowering our national 
productivity. But greater productivity is 
a blessing only when there is a demand 
for more goods and services. Not so 
when the markets are already awash in 
world products. For example, when 
there is a surplus of farm goods, we do 
not try to help farmers by urging that 
they produce more. If foreigners kept 
using more robots, would they not take 
away markets from the plodding pro- 
duction and higher costs of poor Ameri- 
can workers? Briefly, perhaps, but more 
of our workers would be on payrolls, 
more of theirs on welfare. As a thriving 
market of prosperous consumers, the 
U.S. could lean on its forcign partners to 
adopt a pro-pcople law similar to our 
own, They have a fear of unemploy- 
ment, too. By aligning their laws with 
ours, we could all gain. 


Realistically, we probably will not im- 
plement enough ofthese kinds of actions 
until we live through some truly agoniz- 
ing times. Automated machinery is 
much like the nuclear bomb: Once let 
loose into the world, it is hard to put 
back into its box. 

During the time that will pass while all 
the players learn the need to compro- 
mise, you may face the greatest chal- 
lenge of your life. If you are old enough, 
you have been conditioned to rely on a 
traditional job and system that could 
guarantee your basic living, during your 
career and after it. But that's not so now. 

Job security is less real now than it has 
been in your lifetime. Employers used to 
encourage worker loyalty. There are 
now many companies that warn employ- 
ces not 10 take longterm employment 


for granted. Your planning has to be 
based on self-reliance, not on a paternal- 
istic employer. 

The old employer-employee relation- 
ship is dead. “It is becoming standard 
management practice in U.S. corpora- 
tions to cut permanent staff 10 the 
absolute minimum number of persons 
required to continue profitable opcra- 
tions,” Dan Lacey, the late editor of the 
newsletter Workplace Trends, told a con- 
gressional committee. "Nobody wants 
employees.” 

As much as 30 percent of the U.S. 
work force is now considered part-time 
or contingent, according to a National 
Planning Association expert. Instead of 
hiring their own people, companies turn 
to temporaries, consultants and contrac- 
tors. These take over entire depart- 
ments—mail room, public-information 
office, quality control, maintenance op- 
erations, real estate. In other words, 
companies try to save money by renting 
workers instead of owning them. The 
companies owe workers nothing beyond 
the few months of their contracts. 


Stay alert to signs that your company 
joining the march to replace employ- 
ces with outside consultants. Survey 
competitive firms that might offer more 
stability, If need be, line up to become 
one of the consultants yourself. 

Maintaining your standard of living 
afier you stop work may be a precari- 
ous job. Billions of dollars’ worth of un- 
funded pension plans have the federal 
Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation 
deeply worried. General Motors alone 
has 811 billion in pension liabilities that 
is not funded or insured. The figure is 
growing rapidly—more than 30 percent 
in the past year—while the regulator's 
ability to bail out pensions wanes. 

If your company is building an annu- 
ity to provide you a monthly check upon 
retirement, remember that the annuity 
may be based on the performance of a 
shaky insurance company that holds the 
money. Check the insurer’s annual ге- 
port to assess whether or not you can 
rely on your retirement pay. 

The certainty of Social Security is also 
lessening. Fewer young workers may pay 
new cash into the system, so the avail- 
ability of rising sums needed to support 
retirees are questionable, especially after 
baby boomers start to retire in 2010. 

With these formerly assured forms of 
income in doubt, your mastery of per- 
sonal investment strategies becomes 
more important. No one should pre- 
sume to pinpoint for you which assets 
you should buy and hold. There have 
been no precedents to help forecast the 
years ahead. The only thing we can be 
quite sure of is that we are approaching 
a drastic reshaping of our society. 


163 


PLAYBOY 


164 


Write Stull (continued from page 98) 


“Down the road, planners expect EO lo include color 
LCD screens and speech recognition capabilities." 


download information to your computer 
and receive and send faxes in the middle 
of nowhere through builtin wireless 
communications technology. All are ex- 
tremely user-friendly. 

Of course, the pen will never totally 
replace the keyboard, because it's impos- 
sible to write as quickly as you type. Still, 
the new devices are smart—they can 
learn the idiosyncrasies of your printing 
style, turn your words into type and 
even check your spelling. They also fea- 
ture electronic erasers for easy editing, 
and many allow you to cross-reference 
correspondence with names and ad- 
dresses programmed into the unit. 

Industry insiders predict that the ini- 
tial users of pen-based information pro- 


cessors will be businesspeople on the 
go—mobile professionals who want ac- 
cess to clients at all times yet don't want 
to lug around a lot of electronics gear. 
Here's what we can look forward to. 


PC FOR THE NINETIES 


ЕО (a new company that works with 
AT&T, Marubeni and Matsushita) has 
introduced the Personal Communicator 
440, the notepad look-alike shown oppo- 
site our opening page. Designed for 
executives who travel, the 440 enables 
users to remain in touch—even while in 
а car. The 2.2-pound 440 can receive 
electronic mail and faxes by means of a 
bundled AT&T Easy Link service. You 
can review messages on its 6^ 4" screen, 


"Funny that the German police can't seem 
to catch a few Nazis. They were so efficient when 
they were the Nazis." 


then, using the pen, mark up the fax, 
pull down a "fax to" menu, tap the 
Screen and send the message back 
through the attached cellular. phone. 
The 440 also lets you receive files from 
your home computer, annotate them 
with the pen and ship them back. About 
the only place ЕО can't be reached is оп 
a plane—the FAA thinks there's too 
much electronic noise in the air. 

Also packed into the ЕО is an АТЕТ 
microprocessor called Hobbit and Go's 
Penpoint operating system. Tapping or 
drawing preprogrammed gestures on 
the screen with the pen lets you move 
from file to file and make new entries. 
While EO cannot translate script into 
type, it’s a whiz with printed words. It 
can also record a ten-second voice mes- 
sage and send that along with the fax, 
retrieve files from computers anywhere 
in the country and store “to do” lists, 
phone and address lists and spread- 
sheets (you write in the numbers). 

The EO 440 starts at about $2000 and 
moves up to $2799 for the loaded edi- 
tion with a cellular phone. The top-of- 
the-line 880 (heavier, with a bigger 
screen) ranges from about $3000 to 
$3300. An EO cellular phone is also 
available for an additional $799, and 
connections are being designed for the 
10 million cellular phones already in 
use. Like most pen-based computers, 
EO has personal-computer memory- 
card interface association slots, which 
hold cicdit-caid-like pieces оГ plastic 
containing either programs or addition- 
al memory. Since you're not stuck with a 
computer hard drive that is difficult to 
upgrade or change, this opens a world of 
adaptability and future use. 

Down the road, planners expect EO to 
include color LCD screens, CD-ROM 
disk drives and speech recognition capa- 
bilities. Until then, check out these mod- 
els or one from AT&T, which is similarly 
priced. 


APPLE OF OUR EVE 


Last year, Apple's chief, John Sculley, 
unveiled a product called Newton, 
which will be part of a family of products 
Apple likes to think of as “brain ampli- 
fiers.” While not as sophisticated as the 
EO communicator, the Newton (which 
will be priced under $1000) performs. 
similar tricks. It uses а pen for schedul- 
ing, note taking, drawing and annotat- 
ing documents (such as faxes). It turns 
scribbles into straight lines or recogniz- 
able shapes such as triangles, circles and 
rectangles. Dubbed a personal digital 
assistant, Newton automatically updates 
appointments and data bases as you 
write in information. Want to senda fax? 
The Newton will pull the address from 
the list at the prompt of the pen, then 
prepare a cover sheet. Tap the screen 
again and it will dial the number in 
memory. Unlike the EO, which uses cel- 
lular phone technology, Newton has to 


be connected to a phone jack іп order 
to send and receive faxes. But Apple 
officials say theyre working on that. 
Meanwhile, Newton can also be hooked 
up to PCs or Macs and has personal- 
computer memory-card interface associ- 
ation slots for upgrade cards and special 
applications. (One of the first add-on 
cards will receive messages like a pager.) 

A final Newton touch: Individual units 
can “talk” to each other through in- 
frared signals. For example, if you're in 
a meeting, you can beam a note to an- 
other Newton user sitting across the 
table. Just make sure the Newton is 
aimed in the right direction. (General 
Magic, a new start-up company that's 
backed by Apple, AT&T, Motorola, Sony, 
Panasonic and Philips, recently intro- 
duced Telescript, a program that will en- 
able all PDAs and personal commu: 
tors to talk to onc another. It will be built 
into many of the new products.) 

Sharp Electronics, Apple's partner in 
the Newton venture, will be offering its 
version of the personal digital assistant. 


TAKETHE TOP DOWN 


Bill Gates, head of Microsoft, calls 
pen-based computing "neat" (only a bil- 
lionaire could get away with that) but 
feels that the $3500 GRiD Convertible 
oflers diehards the "best of both world: 
Not exactly a personal digital assistant or 
personal communicator, the 5.5-pound 
GRiD Convertible is actually a bridge 
product that combines most of the fea- 
tures found in notebook computers 
(keyboard, screen, hard drive) with an 
ingenious pen-computer cover Snap 
two buttons on the sides of the closed 
Convertible, open it up and it looks just. 
like a notebook computer with a backlit 
screen. Close the Convertible and it be- 
comes an electronic tablet that uses Mi- 
crosoft's Windows for Pen as an operat- 
ing system. In the folded position, use 
the special pen and screen to input your 
schedule or run the many pen software 
programs being developed. 

According to Gates, close to 200 com- 
panies are currently working оп applica- 
tions for Windows for Pen. А good pro- 
gram already available is Pen Essentials 
from Slate ($349). This bundle comes 
with a Day-Timer scheduler, a note taker, 
a fax program and an extra pen. 


POCKET PENS 


Just as the pen controls advanced de- 
vices such as the EO and the Newton, it 
is useful with simple electronic organiz- 
ers. To that end, Sharp introduced a 
pen-based Wizard, the OZ-9600 ($650), 
earlier this year, and Casio and Tandy 
have joined forces to launch the Zoomer 
personal information processor (about 
$600). Weighing less than a pound, both 
are meant to be carried in a suit pocket 
or briefcase and serve as appointment 
diaries, notcbooks and drawing pads. 
An enhanced version of the original 


Wizards of the Eighties, Pen Wizard has 
a keyboard designed for adults rather 
than for ten-year-olds. The easy-to-use 
pen (or you can use your fingers) lets 
you move from file to file and enter brief 
notes and drawings into memory. It 
works well as an organizer and features 
calculator with an “electronic papel 
function that lets you easily check the 
numbers entered while you work. Like 
the Newton, the Pen ard can send 
messages by infrared to anothcr unit 
several feet away. And under develop- 
ment is an infrared link with a PC, so 
you can easily download files. 

Casio's Zoomer could also be catego- 
rized as an advanced electronic organi 
er. It performs many of the same fun 
tions as the Wizard, is about the same 
size and, at $600, is priced similarly. So 
whats the difference? Zoomers look 
more like EOs and Newtons in that they 
have notepad-type construction, operate 
primarily with a pen and recognize 
handprinting. Higher-priced, penless 
alternatives include Hewlett-Packard’ 
95LX Palmtop computer ($595) or 
pocket computers from Poget ($995), 
Psion 3 ($549) or Zeos ($595). And for a 
less sophisticated option, there is Texas 
Instruments Time Runner, а combina- 
tion Day Runner paper organizer and 
calculator priced at about $200. If you 
lose the pen that comes with this one, 
you сап use a pencil—which leads us to 
the obvious question: What happens if 
you lose the special computer pen? Ui 
fortunately, you must buy a replac 
ment. It costs about $100 from the шап- 
ufacturer, but third-party suppliers offer 
pens priced at $40. 


NOTES FOR THE FUTURE 


Pen-based technology will move into 
more industries in the years ahead 
Companies such as IBM (the Think 
Pad), GRiD, NEC, NCR and Toshiba 
(the Dynapad) are leading the way with 
special tablets made for pen computing. 
New systems are being announced al- 
most daily. (As we went to press, we 
learned of another new pen computer, 
the Dauphin DTR-1, which has many of 
the same features as the EO and will 
hit the stores this month.) The beauty is 
that no typing or technical skills are 
required to use these computers. Іп fact, 
as you read this, pen-based software is 
being developed for police officers, doc- 
tors, meter readers, salespeople—prac- 
tically everyone who fills out a lot of 
forms. Pen-based computing, in all its 
permutations, is now a reality. Is one of 
the most user-friendly breakthroughs to 
hit computers in years. Voice recogni- 
tion will be next in computer electronics. 
But until that happens, the pen is a big 
step forward. Just be sure to keep a cou- 
ple of spares around. 


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166 


MANLY PURSUITS 


(continued from page 89) 


“Remember that any rock-climber worth his chalk 


never ever says he climbs ‘because it's there. 


ووو 


went to Reykjavîk, Iceland, capital of the 
best salmon fishing in the world, a veri- 
table Valhalla for reel-creel water-beat- 
ers. Your arsenal: a bamboo (slat) fly rod 
by Fisher, designed to come apart (pack) 
in four sections for easy traveling; two 
famous reels, one modern (the CFO 
from Orvis) and one andent (the 
Hardy); and a collection of flies tied in 
the late Thirties by Rube Cross, the 
Arnold Schwarzenegger of fly-tying. You 
caught more fish (went to the top) than 
you could keep. 

Credibility insurance: You know noth- 
ing of bait, whatever that is. Your fingers 
have never touched a worm. 


ROCK-CLIMBING TALK 


You say: For me, it's gotten so that 
anything under 5.11 is for bumblies or 
trads. I've sent some heinous routes late- 
ly, like Throwing the Houlihan. I even 
pulled through that sick mono doigt 
sequence without beta. 

You mean: You climb walls for fun. In 
gauging the climbing difficulty of a rock 
pile, anything less than a 5.11 (on a 14- 
point scale from 5.1 to 5.14) is a waste 
of your talent, mure suited tu beginners 
or old men (bumblies or trads). Throw- 
ing the Houlihan is a 5.14 climb in 
Wyoming. Your preferred method of 
rock-climbing is to explore as you go 
(without beta)—no girlie maps or charts 
for you. On this climb, you hang on by 
jamming a single finger halfway to the 
first knuckle into a small pocket in the 
limestone (sick mono doigt). 

Credibility insurance: Remember that 
any rock-climber worth 


rappelling with disdain, and he never 
ever says he climbs “because it's there.” 


OCEAN-RACING TALK 


You say: Last year's Newport-Bermu- 
da was uphill—no biggie until it started 
honking in the Stream. When the breeze 
clocked ten degrees, I had to go into foot 
mode to catch our eddy. 

You mean: You have money like a lifer 
has time. When you skippered your 
sloop in the Newport-to-Bermuda yacht 
regatta last year, you were moving into 
the wind (uphill) when it really started 
blowing (honking) as you hit the Gulf 
Stream. When the wind shifted slightly 
clockwise (clocked ten degrees), you had 
to steer off the wind (go into foot mode) 
to catch one of the eddies that form 
along the edges of the Stream. Smart 
skippers like you spotted the eddies on 
the latest satellite picture. 

Credibility insurance: The bow is not 
something you do in front of Queen 
Elizabeth. 


KAYAKING TALK 


You say: If you get a chance, run Sock 
"еш Dug on section four of the Chat- 
tooga. Definitely stay right at the launch- 
ing pad. The last time I ran it, I got 
blown left and was maytagged in the 
hole. Maybe it was because I paddle a 
Crossfire with that low profile of the 
back deck, and the jaws of the Dog just 
dragged me in. 

You mean: You have pissed more 
white water than most kayakers have 
run. Sock ‘em Dog is one of the most 
notorious rapids—it merits a class five 


“Pm new to this income bracket. Could you show me around?” 


difficulty rating on a scale of six, and six 
means you won't live—on a particularly 
difficult stretch (section) of the Chat- 
tooga River, on the Alabama-Georgia 
border. The key is to stay to the right 
after leaving the point of entry (the 
launching pad) before the rapids. If you 
allow the current to pull you the other 
way (blown left), as you did last time, you 
get sucked into a section of the river 
where the water runs backward, which 
means you'll get tossed around like a 
load of laundry (maytagged in the hole). 
‘The other problem you had was that you 
were in a Crossfire, a high-priced, low- 
volume kayak, one likely to be dragged 
back into the hole where recirculating 
water (the jaws) could hold it, or even 
pull it under. 

Credibility insurance: Do not use 
“maytagged in the hole" in polite, non- 
kayaking conversation. 


CAVING TALK. 


You say: Years ago we were up in the 
Guads—it was late November—for the 
third trip into the Virgin. This was be- 
fore they gated it. It was hairy. After the 
first drop out of the entrance, we headed 
past the Pseudo-Tolkien. Out there we 
started the surveying, which had us 
chimneying over 100-foot fissures with 
nothing but the тарс as pro. We finished 
up at the sump after 16 hours nonstop 
station-to-station. 

You mean: Caves R U. You go to hell 
and back before breakfast. For instance, 
you traveled to the Guadelupe Moun- 
tains (the Guads) in southern New Mex- 
ico to visit Virgin Cave, a magnificent 
hole in the ground—now padlocked 
(gated)—known only to caving cog- 
noscenti and bats. Once you got to the 
first chamber (the entrance room), you 
swung like a blind monkey on a rappel 
(drop) down to a lower level. You then 
passed the Pseudo-Tolkien Room, an 
eerie chamber filled with mud-encrusted 
stalactites and stalagmites, before start- 
ing to survey. Forward progress involved 
traversing a vast crack in the carth by al- 
ternating hand and foot movements, 
your body forming a big X shape push- 
ing against the walls (chimncying). As a 
fearless caver, you had no protective dc- 
vices other than your survey tape, which 
is utterly useless for that purpose. Final- 
ly, after a long and exhausting day of 
scurrying from one line-of-sight point to 
another (nonstop station-to-station), you 
ended up ina tight little spot where the 
cave ceiling comes down to meet an un- 
derground body of water (the sump)—a 
dead end to everybody but Flipper. 

Credibility insurance: Remember, Bat- 
man, stalactites pierce your noggin; sta- 
lagmites look like the award they give 
the Proctologist of the Year. 


GIORGIO ARMANI Continued from page 116) 


“Lingerie is a great present. But no corsets. Gel some- 
thing that slips and slides down.” 


mistake by undressing women with 
their eyes? 

ARMANI: Yes, men are naive in that w 
They stop at basic sensations. There 
are men who do look beyond the obvi- 
ous features when they look at women. 
And those are the kind of men I want 
to dress. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: But don't you concede that lin- 
gerie holds an intrinsic appeal for men? 
What specific advice can you offer for 
men who are compelled to give lingerie 
asa gift? 
ARMANI: Yes, it's something for men. It 
hides but also lets you sec. Men want to 
discover for themselves what's there. It’s 
a man's task to discover. He wants to 
have the pleasure of discovering. 
Lingerie is a great present. But no 
corsets. Get something that slips and 
slides down—like what Kim Basinger 
wore in 9% Weeks. There was great lin- 
gerie in that film. She wore a very simple 
slip with two little straps. Silk. Satin. Yes. 
Champagne color. Lingerie must be sim- 


ply cut in rich, luxurious material. Noth- 
ing fussy, nothing wild, nothing lacy. 
No bows, no latching, no laces. Those 
corsets with the laces and bows call to 
mind prostitutes and brothels. That may 
be erotic, but it's not what you'll see on a 
woman wearing Armani. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: Men come in a variety of shapes 
and present a gaggle of fashion chal- 
lenges. What's the toughest part of a 
man's body to clothe? 

ARMANI: If the chest is too big, broad, 
muscular, its difficult to dress. A thin 
man is more elegant than a big muscula 
man. No Schwarzeneggers. The waist is 
the easiest part of the man to dress. And 
men tend to have small w: There's 
lots of room there to tuck shirts in- 
10 trousers so it looks comfortable. 
Trousers should always seem bigger 
than the waist. They should never be 
perfect on the waist. Some men are even 
wearing trousers two sizes too big. And 
shirts should be slightly longer than an 
exact fit. The neck of the shirt should be 


minutely out of proportion: a little bit 
longer, a little bit higher. 


11. 


PLAYBOY: Men's bodies change as they 
age. Can a man who is no longer thin 
hope to achieve the Armani standard of 
elegance? 

ARMANI: Conserve your body. Work ош 
and stay fit. If you're twenty-five and 
you wear a tight white T-shirt, it's OK. 
You get older and it begins tobe not OK. 
That doesn't mean you have to stop 
dressing in a sporty way. But compete 
with the young man on the aesthetic. 
Give over physical beauty to more of a 
mental thing. It's better that a man of a 
certain age по! wear jeans. I wear Amer- 
ican jeans here because they're practical 
to work in. But I wouldn't go out wear- 
ing jeans now. 


12. 


rLAYBOY: We understand you have more 
sympathy than some maitre d's for the 
man who finds a пссМіс uncomfortable. 
ARMANI: It's not necessary to wear a tie 
to be elegant. It's a decorative detail. 
Whether or not to wear a tie depends оп 
the way you're feeling. But if you're go- 
ing out to dinner with a girlfriend, a tie 
adds a lot to your appearance. Young 
men have learned over the years how to 
appeal to women. The jacket and shirt 
give them a sense of order, of cleanliness. 


Sensual 
Products 


How to order them 
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First, we guarantee your 
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PLAYBOY 


168 


It shows that they've made an effort. It's 
asensual game. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Are designers reluctant to dis- 
play their wares on supermodels because 
they tend to upstage the merchandise? 
ARMANI: Cindy Crawford is a bcautiful 
woman. If Cindy walks down the run- 
way, you don't look at the clothes any- 
more. You look at Cindy. The super- 
models are not runway models. They are 
photographic models. I didn't use any 
for my latest collection. They create all 
kinds of problems. Also, they have be- 
come such stars they often don't want to 
be made up the way I want a model to be 
done for a fashion show. They may not 
even get into the clothes. For fashion 
shows we make smaller sizes, so that's a 
problem for some of these top models. 
They're too big, too tall, too wide. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: You wear jeans at work and 
you've offered baseball shirts in your col- 
lections. How much influence do you 
concede to America? 

ARMANI: Americans have had a remark- 
able influence. If you wait outside а 
school here in Milan, you'll think you're 
outside an American school, the way all 
the children are dressed. It's the right 
way for young people to dress. It's com- 
fortable and practical. What's negative is 
when these basic items are taken to be 
fashion. People can't dress that way for 
a walk on the Via Monte Napoleone [a 
chic Milan street]. That would be ridicu- 
lous. Rambos wouldn't fit in at all on Via 
Monte Napolconc. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Is Italian culture our last, best 
hope? 

ARMANI: I find that to be truc. When I go 
abroad—apart from certain regions in 


France—it really comes home to me just 
how lucky the Italians are. There's a 
richness of life here that can be seen in 
the amount of time that people devote to 
the family, to the food they eat, to deco- 
rating their houses. There's this search 
for quality. People put a tremendous 
amount of rescarch into finding the 
right table for their dining room. But 
this is a delicate moment, even for Italy. 
Television and the influence of America 
have changed alot of things 


16. 


PLAYBOY: So you don't agree that the cur- 
rent craze for motorcycle garb projects a 
“healthy, normal sensuality”? 

ARMANI: Men and women have been 
abused in the past few years. They've 
been made into cartoon characters with 
all these exaggerated fashions. Stretchy 
spandex. Forcing men into black leather 
jackets and tight pants and dressing 
women like Jane Fonda in Barbarella. It's 
OK in film but not in real life. This is a 
terrible image. This way of dressing peo- 
ple shows a lack of respect. Thank God, 


jeans are back. A nice shirt and pair of. 


jeans show a clean state of mind. Гт а 
sensual person who wants people to love 
one another, but my conception of sen- 
suality is different. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: You once chided a model for 
walking provocatively while she re- 
hearscd for one of your shows. Did you 
suspect she lacked a clean state of mind? 
ARMANI; 1 remember the incident. The 
wholc idea of a fashion show is to create 
harmony, to have the models look the 
same. When one of them personalizes 
too much, it breaks the rhythm. Recent- 
ly, fashion shows have tended to be very 
vulgar. Degrading. Women with their 
hands on their crotches, with their 
breasts showing. I'm not a prude. I was 


"I did it . . . my way.” 


the first designer to have a nude man 
stand on a runway. He came out at the 
end of the show, stood with his back to 
everybody and waved goodbye. There 
was a big scandal following the show. 
Everybody was saying, How could Ar- 
mani do that? But I it with elegance. 
A few years later І had a model come out 
on the runway wearing a pair of jeans, 
topless. It's not that I don't want to show 
particular parts of the body, but it’s the 
context in which you do it and what you 
scc as sensual. PLAYBOY was the first mag- 
azine to show women nude with a cer- 
tain elegance. That's a fact, nota compli- 
ment. The same with the Crazy Horse 
nightclub in Paris, which had nude 
women onstage. But it was done with 
such elegance. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Will the power suit be hanging 
in closets in the Nineties? 

ARMANI: Old concept. Out of date. A man 
can go into an office and exude power 
without wearing the kind of suit that you 
relate to people who are powerful. I of- 
ten meet with important lawyers and 
businessmen dressed like this [Armani is 
wearing a black turtleneck and black trousers] 
and I think I give the impression of be- 
ing a handsome man without wearing a 
suit. I wasn't born successful. 1 became 
Armani. The world changes. At some 
point a different outfit will denote pow- 
er. That's one side of my success I don't 
like, the whole thing about status sym- 
bols. People who worry about status sym- 
bols are volatile. Later, they'll move on to 
somcthing clsc they consider important. 
Somcone with that attitude docs not ap- 
preciate a natural style of dressing. 


19. 


pLavaoy: Is beauty only skin deep? 
ARMANI: Im sensitive to beauty. A beauti- 
ful woman is a woman who doesn't let 
you live. You’re always terrified that this 
woman is going to leave you, that she’s 
going to get bored and run off with 
someone else. That's a terrible condition 
to find yourself in. It would be difficult 
to live with that sort of love for some- 
body and then one day she's just not 
there anymore. Maybe it's much better 
to have a woman who's not so beautiful 
but who becomes somebody very beauti- 
ful to you in private. Maybe my designs 
are a defense against beauty, against 
somebody who's so beautiful. 1 go for 
personality over beauty or intelligence. 


20. 


praysor: Oscar nights have showcased 
quite a bit of Armani in recent years. Are 
you out to deprive us of Hollywood's tra- 
dition of stunning décolletage? 

ARMANI: [Laughs] There's a lot left to do 
there still. There's a lot left. 


ADELT | | 11 (continued from раве 128) 


"I wanted to murder her. But Pm always wary of 


movie sets where everyone was great to everyone else.” 


down. But in the end, she's very bright, 
so you can't really dismiss what she” 
ing. The thing is, with her, she questions 
everything, which at the time I thought 
was to the point of mania, I must say.” 
“We defmitely had our moments,” 
Moore says, laughing. “But it was 
healthy. and good rose out of it. The 
thing about it is, 1 would throw my 
hands up and say, ‘Man, this is making 
me crazy. You're making me crazy.’ And 
I know, I know, I'm S- 
hole’ What can you do when some- 
body's saying, "Yeah, I know I'm an ass- 
? Other times he'd defend his point 
of view, then later he'd come back 
around. It took him a while to find it.” 
The lion’s share of their squabbling 
was over Moore’s character, whom she 
perceived as being unfailingly strong, 
while Lyne kept pushing for vulnerabili- 
ty. As а result, every scene was a battle- 
ground, “I'm an obstinate person,” Lyne 
concedes. “I wanted my way and she 
wanted hers. Now I'm looking at the 
rushes and she’s fucking wonderful. I 
mean, I'm a terminal manic-depressive 


about everything І do, but she’s really 
good in this. 1 didn't know she was that 
good, really. Now I've been ringing her 
up to tell her.” 

“He do says Moore. “I speak to 
him frequently, He 
he watches me. We conflict because 
we're too much the same, not because 
we were too far apart. We would always 
come back in the end 
wanted the same thing. My feeling about 
him is not like, ugh, I just cannot stand 
this guy. He did drive me crazy, and vice 
versa. And literally there were times 
when I would say black, he would say 
white. Almost. simultaneo! Woody 
must've felt like the mediator, he was 
always laughing at us.” 

Contemplating all of this, Lyne swirls 
reheated coffee in a cup. It’s carly 
ning now, and he will be manning the 
editing machines long into the night. 
“When you're sitting in a room, re 
moved from all the angst, all the argu- 
ing, all the fighting, when you're re- 
moved from the process and you see 
what you h; it’s always a wonderful 


relief.” the director says. "During the 
shoot, I wanted to murder her—and her, 
me. But I'm always wary of movie sets 
where it was a great time and everyone 
was great to everyone else." 


. 


Lyne stands іп а hall, his tired, bleary 

eyes skimming through a copy of Lolita 
He spends a good five minutes searching 
for a passage he wants me to hear. While 
one obsession remains dismembered on 
18 reels, spread out over five editing 
rooms, another one begins to take hold. 
He hopes to try his hand at a second film 
adaptation of Nabokov's novel (the first 
being Stanley Kubrick's in 1962) 
Ly eyes are as red as fucking toma- 
hé laments, finally giving up on 
the passage. "I've worn contacts 
and now they're fighting mc, 
giving me trouble." When he hears of 
similar problems among Angelenos who 
have been diagnosed as having a condi- 
tion called dry eye and that some go as 
far as having their tear ducts adjusted, 
js mood brightens. 

“You get more tears, then? Well, tha 
God,” Lyne rejoices. “Here I've been go- 
ing around thinking it’s just me.” 


With a predatory stare, Robert Red- 
ford lines up a billiard shot, then strokes 


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the cue ball. Watching the balls smack in- 
to each other, he makes his million-dol- 
lar proposition to Harrelson and Moore. 
His manner із brusque, unfeigned and 
persuasive, asif there were an honor 5 
tem to be employed while tampering 
with other people's lives. The foggy 
glimmer in his eyes tells you his heart is 
as pure as mud. Redford has played 
mean characters before, but E 
Lyne's Mephistophelian billi 
be his biggest stretch. 

“That's what induced me to get 
Robert Redford,” Lyne contends. "I 
originally talked to Warren Beatty and 
that was an interesting thought. And 
he's a hell of an actor. But I think with 
Robert Redford, you don't expect it. 

Lyne's biggest concern with Redford, 
who is known as onc of the truc gentle- 
men in front of the camera, had more to 
do with his own work habits. As a direc- 
tor who likes to do a lot of takes, regard- 
less of how good each one is, Lyne fret- 
ted privately (and reportedly without 
justification) that his thoroughness 
at have been irksome to his star. 
“Every once in a while, you'll get a bit 
of magic from one of those extra takes," 
he says. "With Bob, if he started to bore 
himself after he'd done two or three 
takes of something, if he got in a rut, he 
would do some enormous laugh or prat- 
fall in the middle of a take, so that it was 
totally out of sync with the scene. Then 
after that. when everybody had laughed. 
or whatever, he'd suddenly be fresh for 
about a minute. It was rather clever. He 
would do it to sort of jack up the scenc. 
Га never really scen anybody do it quite 
like that. 

Ло add another dimension to the Red- 
ford character, Lyne and Redford tn- 
kered with the character's delivery and 
timing. The arc of Redford's character 
begins with the idea that he can break up 
the couple's relationship. Eventually, he 
becomes fascinated with Moore's charac- 
ter and falls in love with her. 


“You know what people do when they 
don't answer when you expect them to, 
or they kind of don't look away? In oth- 


er words, they sort of embarrass you, 
when you have a conversation and 
there's supposed to be the usual to-and- 
fro time. With Bob's character, we al- 
tered that time by having him not an- 
swer Demi's character when you expect 
him to. That's gonna throw her. So we 
fucked around with that quite a lot. You 
get this kind of eccentricity—he’s not do- 
ing the expected thing. And it makes her 
kind of attracted to him, so it’s not as 
simple as | a financial transaction. 
"That upsets the balance. 


“Oh, my God, I always find it tough 
talking about my work," Lyne says, 
blanching. “I see other people's work, 1 
sce something like Malcolm X or The Cry- 


ing Game and they're so good I want to 
throw up. Bur there are things that sct 
you apart. I used to do a lot of really 
tight shots about ten years ago. Now I 
tend to give stuff more air. I don't know 
why, but I do. 

The essence of a Lyne film lies some- 
where between seduction and self-con- 
sciousness. The centerpiece of his tech- 
nique is the medium shot, which he uses 
as if it were a string tied to a dropped 
wallet. His camera doesn't grant the dis- 
tance of a voyeur, but it is disinclined to 
invade our s| ng this 
balance, he draws us in. Once he has 
dangled the lure, he pulls you along vith 
intriguing questions and provocations. 
What happens when your one-night 
stand changes from bitchy to suicidal to 
pregnant to homicidal? "See what bap- 
pens to you when you cheat on me, even 
in your mind?" Tim Robbins' wife scolds 
him in the hallucinatory Jacob's Ladder. 

Watching Lynes characters is like 
watching butterflies in a vacuum. You 
know that their environment has been 
shamelessly tampered with. Still, you 
can’t keep your eyes off them. He cites 
the sequence from Indecent Proposal 
where Woody and Demi first discuss 
Redford’s offer, both of them fascinated 
and appalled by wondering what the 
other is thinking. 

“There’s a shot where Woody is sup- 
posed to look up at Demi. Before their 
eyes met, he sneaked a look at her. We 
edited out just that initial little flick of his 
eyes and he went from being a furtive in- 
dividual, somebody who was fascinated 
by the whole idea and wanted her to do 
it, to someone infinitely more innocent. 
A quarter of a second. Eight frames of 
film made the difference between this 
man being squalid and excited by the 
prospect to being more unassured. 

“There's another moment, 

Woody changes his mind and runs 
through the halls trying to find Demi to 
stop her. The obvious thing would be to 
play a kind of staccato drum track. In- 
stead, we played the love-theme music. 
Suddenly the music is not telling what 
you're looking at, but telling you how 
he feels. Suddenly you care for this guy 
a little more, you indulge him, even 
though it's terrible what he's done. He 
has just pimped his wife.” 
о longer willing to endure this in- 
quiry into personal style, Lyne 
smudges the fingerprints with а dis- 
claimer. "But it's hit and miss. You try to 
hit enough of these things to makea film 
right. But is it ever perfect? Well, you 
never quite get that far.” 


when 


The scene begins just after Woody and 
Demi, having agreed to Redford's pro- 
posal, say goodbye. Pick up Woody, me- 
andering through the kitschy gaming 
rooms, pounded by his conscience, as if 


his free will were а louery ball suspend- 
ed in a jet ofair. 

Back alone in his hotel room, anything 
that moves seems tainted with sexual in- 
nuendo. A television set slowly rises out 
of the floor. Wandering through the 
channels, he lingers on a pornographic 
movie. Тһе porno video is shot using a 
blue filter, giving the background a fash- 
ionable cobalt-and-gray aura, in contrast 
to the actors, who are clear aı 
takingly attrac , as if De 
shooting a rock video. 

Intercut with the porno video are 
shots of Demi, sitting alone in Redford's 
bedroom on his yacht. As Woody watch- 
es the video, he begins to hallucinate 
that the woman in the video is his wife. 
"The woman looks into the camera as her 
lover enters her from behind. Unable to 
bear the woman's sexual rapture, Woody 
breaks down. 

“Up front, of course, there's that ego 
thing, that he's crazy with jealousy," 
Lyne remarks, watching Harrelson's 
character on the moviola, *and what's 
happened is thoroughly appalling. But 
somewhere in there, it's kind of exciting 
for him in a sexual way, it's kind of an 
aphrodisiac." 

It's also the ultimate gamble. Harrel- 
son's character is like a roulette player 
putting everything he has on red. Win- 
ning means having his wife back without. 
any lingering doubts over her million- 
dollar tryst. More specihcally, winning 
means being reassured that he's a better 
lover than Redford, that the brief, ac- 
commodating smile he catches crossing 
his wife's face the next time they make 
love is caused by an intrusive bedspring 
and not by the abiding memory of Red- 
ford's sexual horsemanship. 

“That's just my head, ГЇ have you 
know," Demi Moore insists, referring to 
the woman in the porno video sequence. 
"Adrian just did a very good job." 

While there might be some satisfaction 
in knowing that he has seamlessly at- 
tached Moore's head to a more willing 
body double, Lyne has his sights set on 
a more cerebral illusion. As a sower of 
fixations, he's hoping that under the 
cover of a darkened movie theater, we 
men will see the faces of our wives or 
lovers staring back at us, instead of 
Demi's. 

"Well, yes, that would be nice," Lyne 
wishes, looking for something wooden to 
knock for good luck. "But you never, 
ever know about these things. You can't 
have a clue until you're with an audi- 
ence." Frustrated in his search for some- 
thing wooden, he slarns the nearest wall 
hard enough to гаше the ceiling tiles. 
“I was aiming for the wooden studs un- 
derneath. By the way, did I ever show 
you my surefire system for winning 
at roulette?” 

EB 


WHERE 


PLAYBOY expands your pur- 
chasing power by providing 
айы of retailers апа тапи- 
 facturers you can contact for 
information on where to 
find this month's merchan- 
dise. To buy the apparel and 
equipment that are shown. 
on pages 30, 32, 93, 98, 
164-165 and 173, check 
the listings below to find 


the stores nearest you. 


WIRED 

This issue of PLAYBOY marks the debut of 
“Wired,” a new page in which the latest de- 
velopments in electronic technology—in- 
cluding home theater, computers, video 
games, car stereos, cellular phones and 
more—urill be reported on regularly. 

Page 30: Digital compact cassette 
player by Philips, for store locations, 
800-221-5649. Mini disc player by 
Sony, for information, 201-930-sony. 
On-line entertainment service by The 
Sierra Network, for a free trial member- 
ship kit, 800-sierra-l. View Cam by 
Sharp, tor store locations, 800-321- 
8877. Sports glasses by Virtual Vision, 
for information, 206-882-7878. CD 
changer by Carver, for store locations, 
206-775-1202. Remote conirol exten- 
der by Terk Technologies, for store loc 
tions, Car security 
system voice module by Directed Elec- 
tronics, for store locations, 800-234- 
6200. 


800-942-TERK. 


STYLE 
Page 32: "Square's Back”: Bathing 
suits: By Gazelle, at International 


Male, 9000 Santa Monica Blvd., West 
Hollywood, 310-275-0285. By Michael 
Kors, at Bergdorf Goodman Men, 745 
Fifth Ave., N.Y.C., 212-753-7300. Ву 


YM.L.A., at International Male, 9000 
Santa Monica Blvd.. West Hollywood, 
401 


310-275-0285. Metro Man, 
Broadway East, Seattle, 206-32! 
By Gianni Versace, at Gianni Versace 
Boutiques nationwide. By Speedo, at All 
American Boy, 131 Chi 
N.Y. 2-242-0078. 
ing”: Sandals: By Birkenstock, for store 
s, 800-597-3338. By Buffalino, 
for formation, 800-221-6627. 
Kenneth Cole, at Kenneth С 
Columbus Ave., N.Y.C., 212-873-2061 
and 865 Market St, San Franci 
415-227-4536. By /. Fenestrier, at Rob- 
ert Clergerie, 41 E. 60th St, N.Y.C., 


Fe 


212-207-8600. By Nike, 
for store locations, 800- 
344-NIKE. By Teva, at 
Sharper Image stores 
nationwide or to order 
by catalog, 800-344- 
4444. “Hot Shopping: 
Buying by the Book": 
Short Sizes Inc., 5385 
Warrensville Center Rd., 
Cleveland; The King 
| Size Company, PO. Box 
9115, Hingham, MA; 
Seventh Generation, 49 Hercules Dr., 
Colchester, VT; Ebbets Field Flannels, 
РО. Box 19865, Seattle; Used Rubber, 
USA. 597 Haight St, San Francisco; 
The Condom Catalogue, Self Service 
Co. PO. Box 407, Allamuchy, NJ; 
“Clothes Line": Clothes: By Andrew 
Feza Sportswear, at Bloomingdale's, 
N.Y.C. By Dolce & Gabbana, at fine spe- 
cialty stores nationwide. By Gianni Ver- 
sace, at Gianni Versace Boutiques na- 
tionwide. “Star Stores”: Spike's Joint, 1 
S. Elliot Pl, Brooklyn, NY, 718-802- 
1000. X-Large, 1766 N. Vermont Ave., 
Los Angeles, 213-666-3485. Flavor 
Flav Barbershop, 195 N. Main St, 
Freeport, NY, 516-867-5675. 


TOP НАТ 

Page 93: Hat by Worth 9 Worth, at 
Worth. & Worth, 331 Madison Ave., 
N.Y.C., to order, 800-нат-5ног. 


THE WRITE STUFF 

Pages 98, 164-165: Computers: ъу 
ЕО, to order, 800-458-0880. By Apple 
Newton, for information, 408-996- 
1010. By AT&T, for information, 800- 
225-5627. By GRID, for information, 
800- 43. By Sharp, for store loca- 
0-391-8877. By Casio, for store 
locations, 800-vo-casıo. Ву Hewlett- 
Packard, for store locations, 800-443- 
1254. By Fujitsu Personal Systems, for in- 
formation, 800-831-3183. By Psion, for 
store locations, 800-628-7949. By Zeos, 
to order, 800-423-5891. By Texas In- 
struments, for store locations, 800- 
TI-CARES. By IBM, for store locations, 
800-772-2227. By Toshiba, for a dealer 
near you, 800-157-7777. By Dauphin 
Technologies, for information, 708-97 1- 
3400. Software by General Magic, for 
information, 415-965-0400. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 173: Camera by Canon, for a 
dealer near you, 800-828-1040. 


171 


01993 Schielfetin & Somerset Со, New York, NY. Blended Scoich Whisky, 40% Alc/Vol (80°). 


Richer in taste 


STEVE CONWAY 


Where & How to Buy on page 171. 


ith Canon's new 35mm single-lens reflex, the EOS 
A2E, what you see is what you get—literally. No or- 
dinary autofocus model, the supersmart A2E features 
a new optical system, called Eye Controlled Focus, 
that uses twin infrared beams aimed at your eye to determine the 
specific object you're looking at through the viewfinder. That 


EYE OF THE BEHOLDER 


means if there's a topless sunbather two towels down from a group 
of sun-worshiping dowagers, we know who you'll be focusing 
on—and the camera will, too. Sound super high-tech? Definitely, 
but the A2E is surprisingly easy to use. In fact, all you do is program 
your eye characteristics (i.e., if you wear contact lenses or you 
sometimes shoot with your glasses on or off) and you're ready to go. 


Below: The Canon EOS A2E's unique Eye Controlled Focus system can be programmed for up to five users. Other features include a multifunction 
autozoom flash with red-eye reduction, a Whisper Drive film transport system for quiet operation, a detection switch that moves to automatic 
focus when the camera is held vertically, plus automatic exposure-bracketing, a mirror lock (ideal when you're shooting at slow shutter speeds) 


and а depth-of-field preview. The EOS A21 


bout $1150, is compatible with Canon's E- and EZ-series Speedlites as well as its EF lenses. 


Неір Ме, 
Rhonda 


Dancer and LA. 
Raiderette RHON- 
DA KOCH toured 
with Gerardo, ap- 
peared in his mu- 
sic video Rico 
Suave and visited 
the Tonight Show 
and Arsenio with 
him. You'll find 
her on posters 
and calendarsand | 
оп the radio іп 
LA. We find her 
irresistible. 


Sound Check 

CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS has a musical pedi- 
gree: He's Ella Fitzgerald's nephew. Get his de- 
but LP, Changes, then go see his movie, Gun- 
теп, starring Mario Van Peebles. He's hot stuff. 


Drummond Summoned 
Model MITCHEL DRUMMOND is a swimwear 
pageant finalist, a poster girl and the subject ofan 
upcoming calendar. We're confident you'll agree, 
Mitchel knows when to hold 'em. 


A Bunch of Animals 
North Carolina's ANIMAL BAG is get- 
tingradio play with Everybody. They 
completed a club tour and per- 
formed in a Showtime movie, Lake 
Consequence. This is Southern- 
style hard rock for the Nineties, 


Hitting All His Notes 


The great TONY ВЕММЕТТ just keeps getting 
better. Winning a Grammy for traditional pop 
vocal performance for Perfectly Frank—Ben- 
nett's gutsy ode to the Frank Sinatra classics— 
he reminds us how great it is to hum along 
with a melody. 


N 


m PX 
8 2; 


Actress-singer TAYE- 
LOREN made a success- 
ful appearance on 
Playboy's Hot Rocks, 


and in Witchcraft V, her 
on-screen boyfriend be- 
comes possessed. She 
cast a spell on us, too. 


Cracker Says Cheese 

Guitarist and vocalist David Lowery says of 
CRACKER, “We were calling our demo Crack- 
er Soul as a joke—cracker means white boy— 
and the name stuck.” For hardy, no-frills 
rock, check out their self-titled debut LP and 
lace up your dancing shoes. 


NEW SPY IN TOWN 


London's famous Counter Spy Shop has 
opened a branch at 444 Madison Avenue (be- 
tween 49th and 50th streets) in Manhattan, and 
if you're in the market for a wristwatch camera 
($295) or a lie-detector telephone ($1500), this 
is the place to shop. А 30-тіпше VHS video- 
tape displaying the store's sexiest spy equip- 
ment is available for $79.95, postpaid. To order, 
call 800-722-4490. Other wares have been fea- 
tured оп L.A. Law and Miami Vice. 


THE RABBIT LIGHTENS UP 


‘The Playboy Rabbit Head, one of the world’s 
most recognizable symbols of sophistication and 
fun, is looking jauntier than ever in its new in- 
carnation: It's just become available from the 
Playboy Catalog (item number AP4051) in 
white neon with a light-blue eye and bow tie 
The dimensions of this work of art are about 
21"x 15” and it includes а black frame. The 
price is nifty, too—just $205, postpaid, ordered 
from our 800-423-9494 number. 


POTPOURRI 


MAIDING SEASON 


A French maid costume can 
certainly fuel your fantasies. 
Or maybe you'd like to spice 
up your domestic life with a 
little creative dusting. The 
Townsend Institute (PO. 

Box 8855, Chapel Hill, North 
Carolina 27515) sells a 
provocative outfit in small, 
medium or large sizes that in- 
dudes a white satin apron at- 
tached to a black vinyl bodice 
with underwire cups that. 
create an uplifted bosom. 
Shoulder straps and detach- 
able garters adjust to fit, and 
a pair of lacy fingerless gloves 
are included, too. The price: 
$55, postpaid. (One-size-fits- 
all black fishnet stockings are 
an additional 810.) To place a 
credit-card order, call 800- 
888-1900. A catalog of other 
sexy goodies—such as a mas- 
sage mitt, strip poker cards, a 
four-ounce jar of Body But- 
ter and plenty of delightfully 
provocative videos—costs $3. 
Operators are standing by. 


BRINGING OUT THE ANIMAL IN YOU 


You may not qualify for an entry in Who's Who, but that doesn’t 
mean your pet doesn't. Yes, there now is a Who's Who of Animals on 
the market that contains biographies of more than 1200 notewor- 
thy animal companions from all 50 states, plus Belgium, England, 
Canada, Panama and Tbilisi in the former Soviet Union. Dogs, 
cats, rabbits, ferrets, horses, lizards and even a ladybug are in the 
current edition. Volume two is in the works. To get your pet's bio 
included free, contact John Breen at RO. Box 2820, Durham, 
North Carolina 97715. Of course, to own the next volume with a 
write-up of your beloved pet included you'll have to pony up $35. 
The copy deadline for volume two is May 31, 1993. 


THE DANGER ZONE 


From the turn of the century to the early 
Fifties, pulp magazines such as Spicy Mys- 
tery and Weird Tales dominated the news- 
stands, often featuring the early works of 
Edgar Rice Burroughs, Louis l'Amour 
and Dashiell Hammett. Now, Chronicle 
Books in San Francisco has published 
Danger Is My Business, an illustrated histo- 
ry of such public: ‘The price: $27.50 
in hardcover, $17.95 for the paperback. 


FOR OFFICE SWINGERS ONLY 


On those days when you can’t make it to 
the links, just step up to the tee in your 
office with Golf Mate, a portable indoor 
driving range by Sports Mates, Inc. that 
delivers instant feedback on the behavior 
of the ball аНег it's been hit. The mini- 
mum area required for Golf Mate— 
Yx5'x12—and the $320 price should be 
no problem for executive duffers. For 
more info, call 800-277-0001. 


HOTSA PLENTY 


To celebrate the 125th anniver- 
sary of Tabasco, the McIlhenny 
Co. is offering a series of six 
30x 24" lithographs titled the 
Art of Seasoning. Each features a 
bottle of Tabasco as represented 
by the world’s major art move- 
ments—surrealism (pictured 
here), impressionism, fauvism, 
cubism, neo-objectivism and ac- 
tionism. The lithos sell for $6 
each or $30 a set (plus postage) 
and can be ordered by calling 
800-634-9599. Tabasco's latest 
catalog also includes other hot 
stuff such as Tabasco-inspired 
seasonings, playing cards, pop- 
corn, T-shirts, key chains, toys 
and much more. 


SET SAIL WITH THE ARMCHAIR SAILOR 


If you have sailed the seven seas or just like to read about them, 

isit the Armchair Sailor, a bookstore at 543 Thames Street, 
Newport, Rhode Island 02840 that claims to be “the most com- 
prehensive marine resource in the world.” Books, charts, 
videos—you name it and the Armchair Sailor probably stocks it 
or lists it in its $2 catalog. The Superyachts V, for example, is a 
handsome $98 tome that pays tribute to the world’s sexiest pri- 
vate vessels. For more info, call 800-29-CHART. 


T-SHIRTS MARC 
THE SPOT 


Back in June 1992, Potpourri 
featured the colorful hand- 
painted ties of Marc Hauser, a 
Chicago photographer with a 
national reputation for excep- 
tional portraits. Hauser's newest 
venture is Hauser Ware—a line 
of wild and crazy T-shirts that 
ludes the one titled Boobala 
pictured here. The price is $28, 
postpaid, sent to Hauser Ware, 
2140 Grand Avenue, Chicago 
60612 (or call 312-226-7777). A 
list of other designs is $2. The 
shirts come in one size—extra 
large. A line of equally unusual 
Hauser Ware sweatshirts and 
shorts will be available soon, too. 
Ask about them. 


177 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


GAME MASTER 


WINNING PLAYMATE EDEN'S DELIGHT 


DEATH IN BANGKOK—CHEAP SEX IS PLENTIFUL, BUT 
THE EXOTIC VARIETY COMMANDS A VERY HIGH PRIGE—A 


STARTLING PIECE OF FICTION BY DAN SIMMONS 


REBECCA DE MORNAY, THAT MOST VERSATILE VIXEN, 
HAS PLAYED ІТ ALL, FROM PSYCHOTIC NANNY TO BOND 
TRADER. SHE GIVES DAVID RENSIN AN EARFUL ABOUT 
MARRIAGE AND MONASTERIES IN A RISKY 20 QUESTIONS 


THE THINKING MAN'S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE —THE 
ESSENTIAL REFERENCE MANUAL FOR THE WOULD-BE 
GROOM AND ADDLED VET, WITH STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUC- 
TIONS ON FOLDING YOUR TENT, HOLDING YOUR OWNAND 
KNOWING WHEN TO TAKE TURNS WITH THE HAND- 


CUFFS—ARTICLE BY DENIS BOYLES 


ROSEANNE AND TOM ARNOLD WROTE THE BOOK ON 
MAKING WAVES AND HEADLINES. TV'S PREMIERE BLUE- 
COLLAR COUPLE TALK SEX, POWER AND THE MEDIA 
IN A WILD AND UNCENSORED PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


BY DAVID RENSIN. 


SEX AND THE MILITARY WILLIAM BROYLES, JR., VIET- 
МАМ VET, FORMER NEWSWEEK EDITOR AND CO-CREATOR 
OF CHINA BEACH, KNOWS THE MILITARY INSIDE OUT. 
WHAT HE REVEALS ABOUT GAY AND STRAIGHT SEX IN 


THE ARMED FORCES WILL SURPRISE YOU 


DEADLY BANGKOK 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR—THE SUSPENSE BUILDS, THE 
TENSION MOUNTS, THE MOMENT HAS FINALLY ARRIVED. 
TIME TO OPEN THE ENVELOPE, GENTLEMEN 


WELCOME TO THE NORTHWEST—WHERE ELSE CAN 
YOU FIND SKINHEADS AND METAPHYSICIANS IN NORTH- 
ERN-EXPOSURE PLAID AND DRINK THE BEST DAMNED 
CAFFÈ LATTE IN THE UNITED STATES? TIMOTHY EGAN 
ASKS: CAN THE GREAT NORTHWEST SURVIVE FAME AS 
THE CAPITAL OF THE LUNATIC FRINGE? 


MOSCOW ON THE HUSTLE—THE COLD WAR IS OVER 
AND MAMA RUSSIA HAS OPENED HER AMPLE BOSOM TO 
FREE ENTERPRISE. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE PEACE 
CORPS SIGNS UP THE KING OF JUNK-BOND JAILBIRDS 
TO TUTOR THE FLEDGLING CAPITALISTS?—HUMOR BY 
LEWIS GROSSBERGER 

THE GAME'S UP—HIROSHI YAMALCHI, THE FEARSOME 
GENIUS OF NINTENDO AND JAPAN'S MOST INTRIGUING 
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, BEAT AMERICA AT ITS OWN. 
GAME. NOW HE WANTS THE WORLD—A PLAYBOY PROFILE 
BY DAVID SHEFF 


PLUS: THOSE TRENDY LOW-TECH SNEAKERS; PICTORIAL 


DELIGHT IN EDEN; SPIFFY SPORTSWEAR; GOLF CARTS OF 
THE THIRD REICH; AND MUCH MORE 


m 
E 


error 


Fi 


RICH TOBACCOS - FILTER KINGS 


емі Dn 
Viceroy is always priced lower than Marlboro and Winston. 
About $4.00 a carton lower: 


Viceroy. The Red Pack at the Right Price. 


*Based on manufacturers list prices, 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


exclusive of coupon 
and special promotions. 

Prices optional with retailers. 

Viceroy Kings, 17 mg. “tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotine 
av. per cigarette by FTC method. «exesrcs 


мн AT MAS СЕС EY A MO MEN I