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ENTERTAINMENT FO 


SEPTEMBER 1994 e $4.95 


Hollywood Confidential ROBIN 
PLAYBOY 

INTERVIEWS GIVENS 
MEGA-MOGUL DELIVERS А 
DAVID GEFFEN KNOCKOUT 


PICTORIAL 


A STUNNER 
Ў FROM JOYCE 
CAROL OATES 
20Q WITH 
DAVID CARUSO 
PRO FOOTBALL 
FORECAST 


ROCKERS 
STEPHEN KING 
DAVE BARRY 

ROY BLOUNT JR. 


Ш 


00955 


0 


o 


o 


! Philip Morris Inc. 1994 


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By VTECH Communications 
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PLAYBILL 


SO FAR, Robin Givens has had a TV career starring in Head of the 
Class, a movie career that includes a role in Eddie Murphy's 
Boomerang and a tabloid career fueled by a divorce from spar- 
ring partner Mike Tyson—a split decision that still affects her 
image. In this issuc, Givens gocs public about her life and 
shows off her newfound confidence—not to mention her 
knockout body. The photographs are by Greg Gorman. 

Moguls of the Hollywood variety were once walking dichés 
with omnipresent cigars. David Geffen breaks that mold—and 
some others. A former Cher-holder, he has since declared he 
is gay. He scored big when he sold his music company to 
MCA. In his spare time, he bankrolled shows that lit up 
Broadway. Now that he’s a bona fide movie producer, what 
challenges are left? David Sheff got some answers in а candid 
Playboy Interview. 

David Caruso toiled in films quietly and diligently for years. 
Then, after a season of TV's NYPD Blue, he was anointed male 
sex symbol of the Nineties for his prime-time role and his 
buns. As David Rensin found in a pertinent and impertinent 20 
Questions, Caruso is a stand-up guy. From cops to mobbers: In 
the past few years, the young Mafia cugines in South Philly— 
the tough guys with 100-mile-an-hour-blow-dried hairdos— 
have done the FBI and local law enforcement a favor by wag- 
ing an intergenerational war that has shattered La Cosa 
Nostra. In The Mob's Last Civil War, beat reporter George 
Anestesia chronicles the bloody conflict. 

‘This month we're throwing the books at you by featuring 
writers with some of the toughest chops around. The winter's 
tale from The Village, David Mamet's first novel (September, Lit- 
Пе, Brown), juxtaposes the feverish thoughts of a hunter 
against his slowly freezing body. Kent Williams did the chilling 
artwork. Joyce Carol Oates’ darkly humorous selection from 
What I Lived For (October, Dutton) also involves a confused 
mind. In one of her most uproarious stories to date, Oates 
lampoons a boozy bureaucrat trying to make it with two sexy 
barflies (illustration by Charles Bragg). In real-life bars and 
beer halls, the hardcover band the Rock Bottom Remainders 
recently became a literary cult phenomenon. Fifteen writers 
were in the group; some played guitar, some sang backup and 
all got to write Mid-Life Confidential: The Rock Bottom Remain- 
ders Tour America With Three Chords and an Attitude (Viking Pen- 
guin). Authors Stephen King, Roy Blount Jr, and Dave Barry take 
you backstage in three very funny essays. 

Now a moment of contemplation to peer into the future— 

the football future. Gridiron seer Danny Sheridan, who last year 
wisely avoided Buffalo chips and said the Cowboys would ride 
into a super sunset, analyzes rule changes and the free-agent 
market to predict this year's outcome in Playboys Pro Football р , 
Forecast. The acclaimed Ed Paschke did the art. Football fans SHERIDAN PASCHKE 
will also be interested in Jonathan Takitf’s take on cutting-edge 
VCRs. Read How They Stack Up and do an end run around 
weekend simulcasts. Good looks on Sunday—or any day—re- 
quire sweaters and suits made of fabrics that are heavy in tex- 
ture and light in weight. Fashion Director Hollis Wayne lays out 
the season's best in the Fall and Winter Fashion Preview. (Photos 
by Chuck Baker.) 

Our Playmate this month is Designing Woman Kelly Gallagher. 
A freelance decorator who overhauls interiors, Gallagher her- 
self needs no rearranging. Then it’s hello, hello happiness: 
“The pictorial A Walk on the Bi Side examines a lifestyle that's 
becoming more public these days—that of sexually open 
women who cruise both sides of the street. Reading our cul- 
ture's road signs has seldom been more enjoyable. 


BAKER 


ТАКІЕЕ 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), September 1994, volume 41, number 9, Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-class postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56169. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 19 issues. Postmaster: 
Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com. 


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PLAYBOY 


vol. 41, no. 9—september 1994 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL. 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY S NE LU cc LET MED s 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 15 
MUSIC 17 
WIRED . Sees’ ates ЛЕ 22 
MOVIES.. BRUCE WILLIAMSON 24 
VIDEO о EU O 28 
STYLE ten LT EDO желіде 90 
BOOKS E DIGBY DIEHL 32 ELT 
FITNESS ЛЫ ДЫ Т UE RN Р JON KRAKAUER 34 
MEN Soe КККК Prone por en ЖОО, 2....АБАВАВЕЕ 36 
WOMEN! cos aan nee erg ..-.. CYNTHIA HEIMEL 37 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. ....... ee uds eco 198 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM А а 
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK—opinion........... Е „ROBERT SCHEER 49 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAVID GEFFEN—candid conversation.................. 51 
THE MOB'S LAST CIVIL WAR—article ....................GEORGE ANASTASIA 66 
A WALK ON THE BI SIDE—pictorial Д Я se то 
THE VILLAGE—fiction............ безе DAVID MAMET 78 
PLAYBOY'S FALL AND WINTER FASHION PREVIEW—fashion..... HOLLIS WAYNE ВО 
PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST—sports DANNY SHERIDAN 90 
DESIGNING WOMAN—playboy’s playmate of the month Кет, E 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ........................................ 106 
ROCKIN’ WITH THE REMAINDERS—arlicle .................... STEPHEN KING, 
ROY BLOUNT JR. ond DAVE BARRY 108 
20 QUESTIONS: DAVID CARUSO. . “Paqu v NO 
VERS: HOW THEY STACK UP—modern living ......... JONATHAN TAKIFF 114 
WHAT I LIVED FOR—fiction. . DOT UJOYCEGARGOUOATESI Те 
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?—pictorial............. „ROBIN GIVENS 120 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY 135 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE... 157 


COVER STORY 

For the first time, film and TV actress Robin Givens recounts, in her own 
words, her charmed life and embattled love with Mike Tyson. “We were like 
two children who hod each finally found c best friend as well as o partner in 
mischief," Robin recalls. Our cover was photographed by Greg Gorman. Ku- 
dos to Kevin Mencuso for styling Robin's hair ond to Giano at Stephen Knoll 
Solon for Robin's makeup. Oops, we caught our Robbit necking this month. 


PRINTED IN U S.A. 


O ВО 


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worm, humid breeze and a parade 
al fit ond frisky femmes ready for 
the rays. Take a holiday fram the 
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© 1994 Playboy 


в [Lees 


PLAYBOY'S 
PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 


tony ОЙ 


Greet 21-year-old Jenny McCarthy, 
Playmate of the Year, a gorgeous full-bodied 
blonde who hails from Chicago. She has 
charmed audiences as the popular hostess of 
Hot Rocks, Playboy ТҮ music-video show, 
and made her dramatic debut on the syndi- 
cated TV program Silk Stalkings. Last 
October her girl-next-door pictorial cap- 
tured millions of hearts. Get to know her 
glamourous, sexy side in a series of provoca- 
tive vignettes. You'll see why she just loves 
to be in front of the camera. Approx. 50 min. 
Пет number WH1728V (VHS) $19.95. 


Order Toll-Free 
1-800-423-9494 
‘Charge to your Visa, MasterCard, Optima, American Express or 
Discover. Mast orders shipped within 48 haus. lem number 
WH1728V $19.95. (Source Code: 49550) 


Order By Mail 
Use your cedit ard and be sur ta ободе your ocrount num- 
ber ond expiration date. Or endlose c heck or money order 


poyoble to Ploybay. Moil to Playboy, P.O. Box 809, Dept. 
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VINEN CEPNTRDEnI n | 
VIDEO CENTERFOLD | 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH М. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: PETER NOORE, STEPHEN RANDALL edi- 
tors; FICTION: лысе к. TURNER editor; FORUM: 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; MODERN 
LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; BETH TOMKIW as- 
sociate editor; STAFF: BRUCE KLUGER, BARBARA 
NELLISassociale editors; CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 
assistant editor; bonornv хтснеѕох publishing li- 
aison; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE director; CAR- 
TOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH edilor; ARLAN BUSHMAN assistant edi- 
lor; ANNE SHERMAN сору asociale; CAROLYN 
BROWNE senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, REMA 
SMITH. SARI WILSON researchers; CONTRIBL 
ING EDITOR! ASA BABER. KEVIN COOK. 
GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS 
(automotive). CYNTHIA HEIMEL WILLIAM J. HELMER. 
WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGEN- 
STERN, REG POTTERTON, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, 
DAVID STANDISH. MORGAN STRONG, BRUCE WIL- 
LIAMSON (MOVIES) 


ART 
КЕКС POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENEK associate director; KELLY KORJENEK assis- 
tant director; ANN SELOL Supervisor, keyline/ 
pasieup; PAUL T. CHAN, RICKIE GUY THOMAS art 
assistants 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast edilor; JEFF COHEN. 
managing editor; им LARSON, MICHAEL SULLIVAN 
senior editors; vatry BEAUDET associate editor; 
DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FECLEY ARNY FREVTAG, 
RICHARD IZUL DAVID MECEY. BYRON NEWMAN. 
POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing pho- 
fographers; SHELLEE. WELLS stylist; TIM HAWKINS 
photo librarian 


PRODUCTION 

MARIA MANDIS direclor; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI, TON SIMONEK 
‘associate managers 


CIRCULATION 
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation director; 
LARRY A. DJERF neusstand sales director; CINDV 
RAKDWFTZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 

IRWIN KORNFELD associate publisher; ERNIE REN- 
2011 advertising director; IA BECKLEY national 
projects director; SALES DIRECTORS. KIM L. PINTO 
eastern region; JODI L. GOSHCARIAN midwestern re- 
gion; VALERIE CLIFFORD western region; MARKET- 
INGSERVICES: IRV KORNBLAU marketing director; 
LISA NATALE research direclor 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STRON. NIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN. KENT edilorial services director; MARCIA 
TERRONES righls & permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


PLAYBOY 


Wer 4 Wild Video 


Also available at your local video and music stores, 


Í et Playboy take you 
4_4inside the ladies’ lock- 
er room where ten of your 
favorite Playmates star in 
sexy adventures drenched 
with fun. Join in the adven- 
tures from sensual aerobics 
to a Muscle Beach stroll in 
Venice, California, and a very 
sensual shower sequence. 
Experience the locker room 
of years to come in a futur- 
istic fantasy and follow our 
beauties through arctic ice 
to seductive suds and erotic 
rain in a variety of vignettes. 
50 min. Item number 


WN1680V (VHS) $19.95 


Wet & Wild V (approx. 50 шіп) 
WNI666V VHS $1995 
WNIG66LD Laser $34.99 


Wet & Wild IV (approx. 54 min) 
WNI639V VHS $19.95 
WNI1639LD Laser $34.99 


00- 


Charge to your Visa, Master- 
Card, Optima, American 
Express or Discover. Most 
orders shipped within 48 hours. 
(Source Code: 49555) 


Order By Mail 
Use your credit card and be sure 
to include your account number 
and expiration date. Or enclose a 
check or money order payable to 
Playboy. Mail to Playboy, P.O. 
Box 809, Dept. 49555, Itasca, 
Illinois 60143-0809. 


There is a $4.00 shipping and han- 
dling charge per total order. Illinois 
residents add 6.75% sales tax. 
Canadian residents please add $3.00 
additional per video. Sorry, no other 
foreign orders or currency accepted. 
©1994 Flos 


The full text of every 
Playboy Interview published 
over three decades—more 
than 350 of the world's most 
fascinating people in their 
own words, with photos and 
selected audio clips. All in 
the candid, no-nonsense 
style that makes the Playboy 
Interview an indispensable 
reference. 


Published and distributed by The 
18M Multimedia Publishing Studio. 


Quality in Video, Tess, 
Graphics and Audio” 


Order Toll-Free, 1-300-423-9494 
Ask for item number WP5095. Charge to your Visa, Optima, MasterCard, 
American Express or Discover, Most orders shipped within 48 hours. (Source code: 49556) 


Order By Mail 

Use your credit card and be sure to include your account number and expiration date. Or enclose 
а check or money order payable to Playboy. Include item number WP5095. Mail to Playboy, P.O. 
Box 809, Dept. 49556, Itasca, Illinois 60143-0809. 


There is a $5.50 shipping and handling charge per total order. Illinois residents add 6.75% sales 
tax. Canadian residents please add $3.00 additional per CD-ROM. Sorry, no other foreign orders 
or currency accepted. 


System Requirements: MPC configured PC, Windows 3.1, 386 33MHz (minimum), 486 25MHz 
(recommended), 4MB RAM (minimum), 6MB RAM (recommended), 2MB hard disk space, SVGA 
640 x 480 x 256 graphics, Windows 3.1 compatible audio board, Mouse 


PLAYBOY 


© Copyright IBM Comp. 1994, All rights reserved. 


‘The IBM Multimedia Publishing Studio. IBM ва © Playboy Enterprises, Inc. Playboy and Rabbit 
registered trademark and VTGA ia a trademark Head Design are trademarks ol Playboy 
of Intemational Business Machines Corp. Enterprises, Inc. and are used with permission. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE 
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
‘CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-549-9534 
E-MAIL DEAFPE@PLAYBOX.COM 


OLLIE'S FOLLIES 
David Hackworth's article on Oliver 

North (Drugstore Marine, June) is so bla- 
tantly biased, meanspirited and full of 
half-truths that I'm surprised you pub- 
lished it. I was North’s company com- 
mander in Vietnam and I recommended 
him for his Silver and Bronze Star 
awards. He was wounded more than 
twice, but I elected not to report this be- 
cause the wounds were not life-threaten- 
ing and it would have meant rotating 
him out of country. I would have lost an 
exceptional officer. North was a warrior, 
aman of integrity and a loyal Marine. 

Colonel Paul B. Goodwin, 

USMC (Ret) 
West Chester, Ohio 


Congratulations tor printing David 
Hackworth’s fine article on Oliver 
North. Hackworth exposed North as a 
self-serving man of questionable honor 
and mental stability No North fan 
should dismiss Hackworth without first 
reading his book About Face. Hackworth 
is a true hero, not one who wraps him- 
self in the flag for self-promotion as 
North does. 

Kim Caudy 
Poway, California 


David Hackworth's article is an inter- 
esting but incomplete picture of his sub- 
ject. He strives to create an image of a 
gullible, incompetent bullshit artist. Yet 
North worked out of the White House 
while circumventing the Constitution, 
engaging in illegal arms deals and shap- 
ing foreign policy. Hackworth fails to ac- 
cuse Reagan or Bush of any complicity. 
Hackworth is either incredibly naive or 
part of the “we knew nothing” propa- 
ganda machine. 

Bruce Hayden 
Arvada, Colorado 


GARTH BROOKS 
Garth Brooks (Playboy Interview, June) 
may know music, but his remarks to 


Steve Pond show he doesn't know eco- 
nomics. I work in the Economics Depart- 
ment at the University of California. No 
secondary market for CDs will promote 
high-quality illegal copying. It doesn't 
take a rocket scientist to see that his ar- 
gument is invalid. He needs to find an- 
other way to rationalize his position. 
Frank Harris 
Irvine, California 


I have a lot of respect for Garth 
Brooks as a musician but I have to chal- 
lenge his argument against used CDs. 
First of all, try to find a new (unused) CD 
more than five years old. It's nearly im- 
possible. Secondly, only high school kids 
with lots of time have the inclination to 
copy CDs. Most of my friends dont like 
country music, so the only way I’m able 
to hear some artists is to buy old, used 
CDs. In fact, an old one by Chris 
LeDoux led me to three new ones, in- 
cluding a duet he did with Brooks. If the 
product is good, in the long run it will 
get back to the artist. 

Steve Wiggins 

"Tempe, Arizona 


Sorry, but unless Brooks’ studio musi- 
Чап» have a truly sweetheart deal, they 
played for a flat fee for the time they 
worked. So much for the "screwing the 
people who play on the albums" debate. 
Compact discs manufactured in bulk 
cost about $1.50 to produce, yet cost $15 
retail. Most artists in Brooks’ category 
get three to four dollars a pop. Who's 
screwing whom? 

Kennen Shaw 

Crockett, California 


MY GIRL 
There have been several times when 1 
thought you had found female perfec- 
tion on your pages, but Playmate Elan 
Carter (My Girl, June) is ће most beauti- 
ful woman I have ever seen. 
Brian Jones 
Carterville, Illinois 


(SH eost ege, Serrengen мв, VOLUME ат NUMBER ©, LISHED моктн BY PLAYBOY ва HORT L 


SHORE DAE, CHICAGO, 


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YOUR IDEA OF A MARTINI. 


The Hennessy Martini 
Combine 20z of Hennessy 
V.S and a squeeze of lemon 
over ice. Stir gently, dont 
shake. Strain into a martint 
glass: Or ask your bartender 


ASAD o 


It is good to see African American 
women in all of their magnificent beauty. 
Elan Carter is one of the finest women I 
have seen in your magazine. 

Tim McClain 
Easton, Maryland 


The first black Playmate in a couple of 
years deserves a round of applause. 
Jerry Adair 
‘Tewksbury, Massachusetts 


PLAYBOY 


CONFESSIONS OF AN INTERNET JUNKIE 
There should be a news group called 

alt.worship.herz. J.C. Herz (June) 
summed up the Internet very well. I 
started off in e-mail, then went to the 
news groups. Now I'm a MUD addict. I 
take a break only when the new issue of 
PLAYBOY comes out. 

Chris Swann 

Jackson, Mississippi 

swann@fiona.umsmed.edu 


I must be getting old. 1 opened 
playboy and actually skipped the photos 
to read an artide. Herz wrote a good 
and accurate description of Net life. 

R.O. Despain 
Salt Lake City, Utah 
rod@unislc.slc.unisys.com 


ZINES 
Thanks for Chip Rowe's Zines sidebar 

(June), especially the information on 
Fuutsheei Five. Гог six dollars and a пос 
to PO. Box 170099, San Francisco 
94117-0099, you сап have a copy. 

Eric Brooks 

Castro Valley, California 


As a longtime zinester, I was pleased 
with the article. Zines provide a vital fo- 
rum for frustrated personal expression. 

Robert S. Robbins 
Williamsport, Pennsylvania 


WOMEN 
I'm forced to write after reading If You 

Leave Me, Can I Come Too? (June). 1 liked 
it, but I notice Cynthia Heimel seems 
destined never to be happy in her rela- 
tionships. It makes for good ing, but 
it hurts to hear some of her stories. She's 
the first thing I read each month. 

David Barber 

San Diego, California 


Thanks for the photo of Cynthia 
Heimel. Somchow, 1 always pictured An- 
drea Dworkin's ugly sister. Surprise! 
She's cute, She mentioned her attractive 
breasts in the June column. Are you 
preparing something? This is PLAYBOY, 
after all. 

Ronald Blouch 

Sterling, Virginia 


1 usually skip over the Women column, 
but this one caught my attention. It was 
10 asifyou were describing me. Could it be 


that men and women are more alike 

than we give ourselves credit for? 
Haroon Syed 
Ottawa, Ontario 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 
Jenny McCarthy (June) is beautiful. 
May God bless her mommy and daddy, 
Chicago and the U.S. of A. 
Frank Hanas Jr. 
Houston, ‘Texas 


‘Thanks for giving me a reason to take 
greater pride in my last name. 
Michael McCarthy 
Dracut, Massachusetts 


The Cubs are under the cellar, the 
Bulls couldn't get past the Knicks, but 
Jenny hit pay dirt. Life is good. 
Joc Leonard 
Chicago, Illinois 


Jenny in the bathtub: Wow! 
Tony Caravan 
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania 


Next to the word gorgeous in the dic- 
tionary, you'll find a picture of Jenny. 
Hamilton Quant 
Germantown, Maryland 


SOME LIKE IT HOT 
Your wibute to female firefighters 
(June) raised my body temperature. 
John Gould 
Wakefield, Massachusetts 


I was under the impression that fire- 
fighters put out fires, not light them. 
Jack Graves 
‘Turlock, California 


When will firefighter Tracy Trautman 
be a Playmate? 
Andres Duran 
Los Angeles, California 


DRINK 
Michael Jackson's Drink column on 
wheat beers (June) sent my salivary 
glands into overdrive. I spent four years 
in the Air Force in Germany, and the ar- 
ticle brought back fond memories of the 
Classic brew. Since I've been home, I 
have only occasionally been able to find 
Weizenbier. Any ideas? 
John Hausmann 
Sheppard AFB, Texas 
If you can't get it in Fort Worth, try New 
Braunfels or Fredericksburg, Texas. If you 
can't find it there, you'll have to move. Ac- 
cording to Beer Across America, it can't ser- 
vice Texas (or Alaska, Hawaii, Maryland or 
Puerto Rico). Wheat lovers in other states can 
call 708-639-2337. 


“Two years ago I had the good fortune 
to enjoy the right beer in its natural 
habitat, Abita wheat beer in New Or- 
leans. It's brewed in Abita Springs, 
Louisiana. I wish 1 could get it in New 
Jersey. 

Martin Sklar 
East Windsor, New Jersey 


FITNESS 
In Jon Krakauer's column on smart 

drugs (A Nootropic by Any Other Name, 
June), he suggests that smart drugs are 
hard to get. The Cognitive Enhance- 
ment Research Institute in Menlo Park, 
California maintains a list of domestic 
and international sources for smart 
drugs that are not “quasi-legal mail- 
order houses.” The U.S. sources sell on- 
ly nutrients and herbs, and the overseas 
sources are all perfectly legal within 
their country of origin 

Steven Fowkes 

Menlo Park, California 


MAILBAG 
I'd like to congratulate you for print- 
ing the recent ad supporting breast can- 
cer research. I noticed you were 
ridiculed in other publications for run- 
ning it. So be it. The fact is, men are at- 
tracted to breasts. I am the husband ofa 
breast cancer patient and I appreciate 
your courage in running the ad. If you 
are a breast man, then find out how to 
protect them and the woman you love. 
Greg Beale 
Redding, California 


Those of us at On Our Backs think it's 
great to see PLAYBOY cover lesbian issues 
and depict lesbian eroticism in a classier 
way than other men's magazines. Why 
do lesbians read erAvBov? Because many 
of us share your liberationist philosophy 
and because we think the women on 
your pages are gorgeous. 

Heather Findlay 
San Francisco, California 


Tinks to DurzShode? technology, Wolverines 
dan make your feet forget they re working at all. 
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And they re available in 6% 8", Steel Toes or Wellingtons. 

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AUSTRALIAN FOR BEER! 


IMPORTED BY CENTURY INPORTERS INC , RESTON, VA © 1904 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


HIS CASH IS CLAY 


Ever wonder where major league 
baseball dirt has been before it ends up 
in headfirst-sliding Lenny Dykstra's 
pants? Fans may be crushed to learn that 
nowadays infield dirt never comes from 
the land on which stadiums are built. Al- 
most half of the major league teams and 
60 minor league teams play on special 
soils mixed by Jim Kelsey—the Dean & 
DeLuca of dirt, the Ferragamo of fine 
infields. According to Kelsey, about half 
of the ingredients come from his 1000- 
acre homestead in New Jersey, which 
was formerly a swamp and the site of an 
Indian massacre. Kelsey peddles various 
days—red, gray, brown and orange- 
mixed with sand for different parts of 
the infield. There's the Baseball Dia- 
mond Mix, designed for easy sliding on 
the base paths, and the firmer Mound 
Mix for pitchers. Unfortunately, he can't 
make the claim that his dirt is charmed: 
Last year's heroes (the Toronto Blue 
Jays) and goats (the New York Mets) 
both played on Kelsey's concoctions. 


FARE DEAL 


It's getting harder and harder to tell a 
cabby where to go. A passenger in a 
Manhattan taxi spotted the following 
Sign: THIS CAR IS CLEAN, 1 SPEAK ENGLISH 
AND I USE DEODORANT REGULARLY. YOU'RE AL- 
READY WAY AHEAD OF THE GAME—5O DON'T 
BITCH ABOUT MY DRIVING! 


TITS AND ASSETS 


"The U.S. Tax Court has ruled that in 
some cases breast implants are a legiti- 
maie, deductible business expense—at 
least when one's business involves charg- 
ing people to view the result. Exotic 
dancer Cynthia Hess, who performs un- 
der the nom de buff of Chesty Love, was 
allowed a $2088 deduction for dcprccia- 
tion of her implants. The decision was a 
reversal of previous rulings in which the 
court maintained that money spent to 
improve one's appearance was strictly an 
expenditure for personal satisfaction. 
Tax judge Joan Seitz Pate's view of the 


case from a female perspective may have 
tipped the scales. Noting that two ten- 
pound, size 56FF breasts are uncomfort- 
able, burdensome and bulky to the point. 
of unwieldiness, she concluded that the 
only sane reason to acquire them would 
be "for the purpose of making money.” 


New life in the fast lane: A driver in 
Snohomish, Washington recently ap- 
pealed a traffic ticket she received for 
cruising by herself in a double occupan- 
cy-vchicle lane. She argued that she 
wasn't alone because at the time she was 
six months pregnant—and according to 
Roe us. Wade, her fetus was capable of ex- 
isting outside the womb. 


BLOOD BROTHER 


For 15 years, Harry Finley has suf- 
fered the smirks of cashiers while in pur- 
suit of mystery, As the curator of the Mu- 
seum of Menstruation, he has collected 
hundreds of American, European and 
Japanese sanitary pads and tampons, 
complete with packaging. His motive is 
simple: “If it's none of men's business,” 


ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO 


Finley says, "it must be interesting.” The 
52-year-old graphic designer for the 
U.S. government is fascinated with the 
taboos surrounding the subject. He of- 
fers research assistance to others so in- 
clined and publishes Catamenia, a free 
newsletter that explores such scintillat- 
ing topics as the shape of napkins. Finley 
is aware that women may find his hobby 
unusual. He has been excoriated in an 
issue of Sassy that called his project “rilly 
creepy” and included this brush-off: 
“Stick to jock-itch products, buddy.” At 
the museum, housed in Finley's paneled 
basement near Washington, D.C., visi 
tors may study flow charts tracing the 
history of menstrual hygiene or ponder 
the design of reusable pads and the 
bowls used for soaking them. You also 
can donate examples of what Finley 
terms “the ultimate ephemera” (espe- 
cially early ads, pads and packages). On- 
ly items in pristine condition, please 


CRUEL, INHUMAN 
AND BY APPOINTMENT ONLY 


To anyone who has debated the idea 
of caning in the U.S., here's a flash: It’s 
already available Stateside—but as a рег- 
sonal service, not a punitive sentence. 
While Michael Fay was appealing for 
clemency in Asia, the following classified 
ad appeared in the San Francisco Sentinel: 
“Singapore-style caning. Can't afford 
airfare? Out of paint? Get the caning you 
deserve!” Adding insolence to injury, 
would-be canees who want to respond to 
the ad must call а 900 number at $1.29 a 
minute. No pay, no flay. 


RADIO BAND WIT 


Rock bands have always sported 
names beyond the ridiculous. Odd 
monikers such as Blind Melon, Toad the 
Wet Sprocket and Butthole Surfers are 
nothing new. Disc jockeys Kathryn Lau- 
ren and her partner AQ (former- 
ly Aquaman) of WHFS in Washington, 
D.C. recently entertained listeners with 
names of faux bands. Included in the list 
were the funky Skid Marky Mark, Scoo- 
by Doo-Doo and the Placenturians; the 


RAW 


DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


FACT OF THE 
MONTH 
According to Bob 
Hammond, author 
of Life After Debt, 
more people filed 
for personal bank- 
ruptcy іп 1992 than 
graduated from 

college. 


QUOTE 
“My players are 
too rich. 1 taught 
them how to save. 
Now that they have 
enough money well 
invested to kecp 


SCRAP PAPER 
Number of catalogs mailed 10 
Americans in 1992: 13.5 billion (equal 
to 52 catalogs for every person in the 
country). 


PRESIDENTIAL BIDS 

At a recent Christie's auction, price 
paid for a first draft of James Mon- 
гос 1817 inaugural address: 
$322,500; price paid for a 1775 letter 
by John Adams to Richard Henry Lee 
detailing plans for an early constitu- 
‘попа! government: $409,500; price 
paid for an 1860 letter from Abraham 
Lincoln in which he consoles a friend 
of his son's for not getting into Har- 
vard: $728,500. 


SWEAT EQUITY 

In a national survey by the 115. 
Public Health Service, percentage of 
private companies that offer employ- 
ees a locker room with shower: 24; 
an indoor exercise arca: 12; aerobics 
equipment: 10, strength-training 
equipment: 9; such activities as coun- 
seling, classes or recreation: 41. Pei 
centage of companies that prohil 
or severely restrict on-the-job 
smoking: 59. 


LOOSE LIDS 
According to a recent national sur- 
vey, percentage of men who said work 


EI 
< 
Ë7 


them the rest of their Lives, they won't 
hustle for me.”—BARNEY DREYFUSS, 
OWNER OF THE 1906 PITTSBURGH PIRATES, 
(COMMENTING ON HIS PAYROLL 


is not the place to 
lose control of emo- 
tions: 50; percentage 
of women who 
agreed: 43. Percent- 
age of men who have 
cried at work: 18; 
percentage of wom- 
en: 59. Percentage of 
men who said their 
boss has made them 
cry: 4; percentage of 
women: 11. 


SEE NO EVIL 
Percentage of 
š Americans who 
think that violence 
on television programs directly con- 
tributes to violence in real life: 7: 
Percentage who would support gov- 
ernment intervention to limit TV vio- 
lence; 54. In a survey of public school 
officials, percentage who think TV 
and movie violence causes violence in 
schools: 61. 


WHO'S CLEANING UP? 

Since 1980, number of toxic waste 
dump sites that the government has 
ordered companies to dean up: 1286. 
Current number of sites that have 
been cleaned: 237. In a study of 18 
sites, the percentage of federal Super- 
fund dollars that was spent on 
lawyers or other ac ies not directly 
involved with the cleanup: 32. 


RUBBER MAIDS 
In a 1993 survey of American 
women aged 15 to 50, percentage 
who say they regularly rely on con- 
doms for contraception and protec- 
tion during sex: 19; percentage who 
use no form of protection: 19. 


AND DOGGONE IT, 

PEOPLE LIKE YOU 
According to a survey by Hallmark 
Cards, percentage of respondents 
who have been in or know someone 
who is in a drug, alcohol or other re- 
соуегу proj : 78. Number of cards 
Hallmark markets that have messages 
of inspiration and encouragement for 
people in recovery programs, as well 

as for their friends and families: 51. 

—BETTY SCHAAL. 


intimidating head-bangers Gonorhesus 
Monkey, Pap Smirnoff and Dr. Zeuss; the 
island beats of Trinidaddy-o; and such 
clever college-radio types as the Danger- 
ous Assumptions and Missing Sausage 
Link. Our favorites were two groups in- 
spired by famous people, à la Jethro 
Tull: Lorena Hobbit (a small band that 
cut an original member) and Kathy Lee 
Harvey Oswald, whose first album could 
be called 72 Sirhan With Love. 


THE GARDN STATE 


New Jersey pols who wonder why vis- 
iting corporate reps ofien leave without 
investing in their fine state may want to 
do something about a sign that greets 
travelers on the thruway outside Newark 
International Airport. The sign reads: 
NEW JERSY WORKS, 
. 


It must be the kilts: A Scottish bank 
has announced that it will issue check- 
guarantee cards with photos and will al- 
low transvestites to have two—one as a 
man, another as a woman. A bank 
spokesman said: “If any cross-dressing 
male customer is confident enough to go 
shopping dressed as a woman, it’s possi- 
ble for him to have a second card so that 
he can avoid embarrassment or difficul- 
ties when paying by check.” 


GUM-SMACKING GOOD 


Once, the best thi about hospital 
food was that it was available only in hos- 
pitals. However, Kaiser Permanente, the 
nation’s largest HMO hospital chain, is 
apparently convinced that some con- 
sumers just can't get enough of гесоу- 
ery-room fare. It now offers inpatient 
meals in supermarkets labeled as Heart 
Cuisine frozen entrees. Because Kaiser 
Permanente was one of America’s lead- 
ing cement manufacturers before it en- 
tered the healing biz, we've not yet taste- 
tested these rib-sticking victuals. 


PAD LOCKED 


Тһе latest in personal protection— 
particularly on the riot-prone West 
Coast—isn't latex. It's a kickproof, bul- 
letproof, fireproof room in your house 
to which you can retreat when the trou- 
ble hits the fan. Cher has a safe room in 
her mansion, and in its last season L.A. 
Law built a plot around one. Now Iron 
Clad Security in Houston says it has 
made safe rooms affordable for common 
folks—people who can afford to pay 
$2500 and up. Theyll install hidden 
cameras and mikes so safe-room occu- 
pants can watch and listen as a criminal 
steals their possessions. There's a hidden 
phone line for dialing 911 and a ventila- 
tion system that prevents a pyromaniac 
from trying to smoke the roomers ош. 
Other options include electromagnetic 
locks that withstand up to 1200 pounds 
of pressure. 


EIERNITY 


formen 


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Calvin Klein Calvin Klein 


Your gift with any $32 
ETERNITY for men purchase 


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ETERNITY for men Avoiloble while quontities lost 


‘CHARLES M. YOUNG 


WHENEVER 1 READ an interview with John- 
ny Cash, it seems like he's a guy who's 
been through every damn thing and 
come out the other side wiser. When you 
are dealing with wisdom, you don't need 
much by way of backup musicians. You 
just need Johnny Cash and a little un- 
derstared “acoustic guitar. Fortunately, 
Rick Rubin had this insight long before I 
did. He not only signed Cash to his label 
but also produced the album American 
Recordings (American Recordings) just 
the way Johnny Cash always should have 
been produced. Besides the heartbreak- 
ing honesty in his singing, Cash has two 
great gifts: theology and humor He 
came by his Christian worldview the 
hard way—staring sin in the face, ex- 
ploring every dark corner of the soul 
and ultimately opting for redemption 
and grace. These themes are explored in 
most of the songs here. Such seriousness 
makes his jokes work that much better. 
Loudon Wainwright III's The Man Who 
Couldn't Cry, for example, generates 
twice the howls with Cash's deadpan de- 
livery underlining the absurdity. E 
redeemed soul needs a good laugh now 
and then. Serious or funny, nobody sings 
better than Johnny. 


FAST CUTS: Leo Kottke, 6- and 12-String 
Guitar (Rhino): When this album came 
out in 1969 on the tiny Takoma label, it 
sold 500,000 copies and became a засга- 
ment in dorm rooms across the country. 
It also became, after John Fahey, the 
next step in American acoustic guitar. 
Kottke's dexterity dazzled then and daz- 
zles now. An especially smart reissue that 
prompts the question: When will Fahey 
get his boxed set? 

The Definitive Blind Willie McTell (Colum- 
bia/Legacy): McTell has never inspired a 
Robert Johnson-style legend, but his tal- 
ent certainly deserves mythic status. He 
had a brilliant melodic gift and his 12- 
string still sounds like an orchestra. 


DAVE MARSH 


Michael Been is a throwback. The on- 
ly question is, How far? On his first solo 
album, On the Verge of о Nervous Breakdown 
(Quest), he sometimes sings like the odd 
product ofa mating between Jim Morri- 
son and David Byrne. Been wouldn't 
write an ordinary love song; his are 
meant to be taken as prayers, which, un- 
fortunately, are spoiled by their arty 
mannerisms. 

So why bother? Well, even rock this 
unhumble is more than words, and 
based on its collection of phased guitar 
noises and rewed-up percussion, On the 


“Hello, I'm Johnny Cash.” 


Johnny Cash stares sin 
in the face and Public 
Enemy retools its image. 


Verge can be fun. If you don't dismiss 
rock and roll that’s simply noise, there 
are gems to find here. My nomination 
for guilty pleasure of the year. 


FAST cuts: John Brim, The Ice Cream 
Man (Tone-Cool): Chicago bluesman’s 
first U.S. album in 30 years could elevate 
his stature, precisely because he's re- 
working old material. For all the rough- 
ness, there's a vision at work here, best. 
expressed in the joyous Be Careful. 

Rainbow Road: The Warner Bros. Record- 
ings, Arthur Alexander (Warner Archives) is 
a vision at the other end of the spectrum 
from Brim’s. The magnificent Rainbow 
Road portrays a life and career so radi- 
cally truncated, it's closer to country 
than R&B, and in its emotion, closer to 
the truth than comfort. But the voice 
that inspired John Lennon in the early 
Sixties retained its bluesy sweetness a 
decade later, when these sides were cut. 

Hole, Live Through This (DGC): Court- 
ney Love finds her true rebel's voice. 
"Тһе fact that it sounds so much like Joan 
Jew’s is a plus, as are the arrangements. 
"This is the best orchestrated garage rock 
since Love's Forever Changes. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Since he’s worked with everyone from 
Sting to Gang Starr, it's not surprising 
that Tonight Show bandleader Branford 
Marsalis would finally do a pop album of 


his own. What is surprising is how suc- 
cessfully he pulls it off. Buckshot LeFonque 
(Columbia) seamlessly blends funk, rap. 


figurations that defy categorization. No 
Pain, No Cain could be Wayne Shorter 
and Digable Planets jamming with the 
Chili Peppers or the P-Funk mob. Maya 
Angelou rapping one of her poems over 
rocker Nils Lofgren’s guitar could have 
been a disaster but ends up sounding 
dignified and fresh. With the help of 
Gang Starr's DJ Premiere, Marsalis ас- 
complishes similar feats with tracks 
ranging from Jamaican dub to an offbeat 
Elton John cover. Marsalis’ sax weaves 
through each track, playing genuine, in- 
novative jazz, not just rehashed R&B 
licks. If it's not quite the hip-hop jazz 
equivalent of Miles Davis’ Bitches Brew, 
Buckshot LeFonque certainly comes close. 


FAST curs: John Mellencamp, Dence 
Naked (Mercury): Mellencamp spent 
much of the Eighties trying to save the 
family farmer. Nowadays he's busy exor- 
cising the demons from his own back- 
yard. Sexual, marital and fraternal dys- 
functions are all dealt with on this 
scrappy, dark exploration of working- 
class angst. 

Deconstruction (American Recordings): 
‘Chis one-time project by former Jane's 
Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro shows 
why the Chili Peppers were smart to sign 
him up as their new guitarist. Navarro 
defily handles everything. 


NELSON GEORGE 


Public Enemy is back. After a couple of 
albums of flagging musical invention, 
тар’ most important band has retooled 
its image on Music Sick N Hour Mess Age 
(Def Jam). The legendary Bomb Squad 
production team has largely been 
scrapped—this time Chuck D is super- 
vising a number of young producer- 
arrangers. In а radical departure, Public 
Enemy uses primarily live trap drums, 
not sampled beats, to create its rhythms 
This change turns PEs beats into 
grooves and, overall, gives the album a 
slightly less abrasive texture than we're 
used to from them. Just as important, 
Public Enemy makes extensive use of 
sung or chanted choruses, a major de- 
parture from previous records. 

What hasn't changed is Chuck D's 
hard rhyming style. He attacks gangsta 
rap on several cuts, particularly on So 
Whatcha Gone Do Now. White racism, of 
course, is а prime target. Check ош 
White Heaven/Black Hell and Godd Com- 
Мех. Sure to be controversial is Hitler 
Day, in which Chuck D connects Colum- 
bus’ “discovery” of the Americas with the 


атағы 


жн аз” 


pe ir 


Mother Gert Boyle 


Chairman, Columbia Sportswear 


“TOUGH 
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20 


FAST TRACKS 


ЖЕЖ 


VELVET SELLS DEPARTMENT: We're not 
kidding: The curator of the Elvis mu- 
seums is Jimmy Velvet, and last summer 
he auctioned off more than 1000 
items from the Presley museums in 
Memphis, Nashville, Orlando and 
Honolulu at the Las Vegas Hilton. So 
it’s still one for the money, two for 
the show. 

REELING AND ROCKING: It looks like 
the Bob Morley film bio will reach the- 
aters in 1995. Rita and Ziggy will serve 
as executive producers. ... А movie 
bio, The Real Thing, is in develop- 
ment. It’s the story of Nick Ashford and 
Valerie Simpson, the songwriters ге- 
sponsible for You're All I Need to Gel By 
and Ain't No Mountain High Enough, 
among others. . . . Ice Cube is working 
om John Singleton’s movie Higher 
Learning, and another film called Fri- 
day. When he's done, he plans to re- 
turn to his music. . . . An action-ad- 
venture love story called Strawberry 
Fields will use 22 cover versions of 
Beatles songs. The story, about а fe- 
male computer programmer who de- 
signs virtual reality games inspired 
by Beatles songs, will include Hey 
Jude, Let It Be, Get Back and Come 70- 
gether. . . . Actor Gary Oldman, who ear- 
lier played Sid Vicious in Sid and Nancy, 
is now shooting Immortal Beloved, in 
which he plays Beethoven. From the 
ridiculous to the sublime. . . . It looks 
like Marshall Crenshaw will host a week- 
ly movie on cable as a companion to 
his book Hollywood Rock. 

NEWSBREAKS: New York's best- 
known Bowery club, CBGB, is the 
subject of a tribute album. Producers 
are sorting through hundreds of live 
performances for a single CD. . .. The 
next Black Crowes album is about to 
come out. The band has written so 
much material that its next release 
may be a double album, or an ‘extra’ 


METER 


album released during the band’s 
summer tour, or something released 
only through its fan club. . . . Clint 
Block plays mouth harp on the Billy 
Joel recording of Leonard Cohen's Light 
As а Breeze. It’s part ofa Cohen tribute 
album to be released this month. ... 
Sinéad O'Connor sings with Peter Gabriel 
on the world-beat album of Menu 
Dibango and will have her own album 
out any time now. . - . Strange bedfel- 
lows: Keith Richards makes a guest ap- 
pearance on George Jones" next al- 
bum, out next month. . . . The Grateful 
Dead's Phil Lesh took up the baton to 
conduct the Berkeley Symphony Or- 
chestra performing Stravinsky's Infer- 
nal Dance trom The Firebird Suite. Lesh 
hopes to do it again. .. . Insightful Ed- 
die Vedder on Kurt Cobain’s suicide: 
“People think you're this grand per- 
son who has everything together be- 
cause you are able to put your feel- 
ings into some songs. They write 
letters, come to the shows and even to 
the house hoping we can fix every- 
thing. But we can’t. What they don't 
understand is that you can’t save 
someone from drowning if you're 
treading water yourself." . . . One of 
Mickey Dolenz’ micrographs (blown-up 
photos of things you can't see with the 
naked eye), Caught in the Act, shows a 
cell being attacked by HIV. The mi- 
crographs are part of the Image Mak- 
ers Rock and Roll Art Tour. A collector 
bought one for about $2500... . A 
25th anniversary tribute album to the 
Carpenters? You laugh, but here's the 
lincup of artists and bands already 
committed to participate: the Cranber- 
Ties, Smoshing Pumpkins, Sonic Youth, 
Sheryl Crow, Bobes in Toyland, Redd Kross 
and Bettie Serveert, Says Mett Wolloce, 
the album's producer, "Now even 
Beavis and Butt-head will think the Car- 
penters are cool" —BARBARA NELLIS 


genocidal German leader. This one 
should get those antirap editorial writers 
going. On a lighter note, check out Fla- 
vor Flav's hilarious / Ain't Madd at АЙ 
and Get It Up, which is Public Enemy's 
most danceable cut in years. 


FAST CUTS: Seals self-titled second al- 
bum (ZTT/Warner Bros) is а lushly 
arranged, melodically rich record that 
expands his musical palate. Whereas 
Seal and Trevor Horn were sometimes 
too bombastic on his production debut, 
this album carefully meshes acoustic gui- 
tars, synthesized strings and keyboards. 
On ballads such as Dreaming in 
Metaphors, People Asking Why and the gor- 
geous Kiss From a Rose, Seals throaty 
emoting is contrasted with Horn's 
swelling, glowing production. Finally, a 
sophisticated song cycle in an age of 
stripped-down ambition. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Once upon a time there was a roots- 
rock group led by two brothers—gui- 
tarist Dave Alvin, who could write songs, 
and singer Phil Alvin, who could sing 
them. Unfortunately, the brothers feud- 
ed, the Blasters never took off, and in 
1986, Dave set out on his own. His songs 
were as pithy as ever. But after three al- 
bums, it was obvious he didn't have the 
lung muscles to blast anybody. 

So if Alvin's fourth solo album isnt a 
miracle, it’s certainly а gratifying sur- 
prise. King of Colifomia (Hightone) is un- 
plugged, showcasing acoustic versions of 
old songs, new songs and covers, and the 
gimmick, which with most artists is re- 
dundant or worse, helps Alvin find his 
voice. Instead of trying to shout over the 
music, he breathes and murmurs and 
croons and generally talk-sings through 
it, rendering his lyrics not only audible 
but believable. Not many roots-lovers ro- 
manticize losers with Alvin's eye or qual- 
ity of fecling—empathy is his specialty. 
And for that reason his quiet remakes of 
Bus Station, about a struggling couple 
bound for one more town, and Little 
Honey, about a guy who will blow his 
stack if his girl steps out again, outdo 
even Phil's powerhouse originals. I 
know folkies should evolve into rock and 
rollers, not vice versa. But Dave Alvin 
sounds like an exception. 


FAST CUTS: On Dovid Byrne (Warner 
Bros./Sire/Luaka Bop), another old New 
Waver trades in his band, this time for a 
quartet featuring marimba and vibes, 
and produces his best-realized songs in 
almost a decade. 

On My Life (Warner Bros.), Iris De- 
ment, a folkie whose label hopes she 
soars, offers glimpses of what life might 
be like for the wife at Alvin's bus station. 


GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT. 


= Р 


MIDNIGHT MARTINIS 
Stir Seagram's Gin and 
dry vermouth over ice 

and strain into chilled glass, 


Garnish with black olive. 


IBUNE Seigran & Sons, НЗ НУ. Seagram's Sin. 100% Neural Spirta. Ds From Gran Ас 40% By Vo. (80 Proof, 


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WIRED 


ROCKET CHIPS 


If you think your 486/33MHz computer 
processor kicks butt, wait until you see 
Apple, IBM and Motorola's Power PC 
601 chip in action. Already incorporated 
into Apple's hot-selling Power Macintosh 
($1819 to start), the Power PC chip can 
drive programs up to eight times fast- 
er than the chips used in previous top- 
ofthe-line machines. With a program 
called Soft Windows (about $300), Power 
Macs can run DOS and Windows soft- 
ware, but not at warp speed. You can al- 
so upgrade certain Mac Quadra, Centris 
and Performa models to Power PC for 
between $700 and $2000. The down- 
side? To experience the speed of the new 
chip, you'll have to buy new Power PC 


software (the regular Mac stuff will sim- 
ply churn as usual). For IBM diehards, 
Big Blue plans to introduce a desktop 
PC using the 601 chip this year. You'll be 
able to run Mac software on the IBM 
Power PC—a huge breakthrough—but 
you won't be able to upgrade existing 
IBM-compatibles. What's next? The 
Power PC 604 chip. Now in develop- 
ment, it reportedly will be twice as fast as 
Intel's Pentium processor. Expect it as 
carly as 1995. 


SURFING THE NET 


For those of you who are as hooked on 
the Internet as we are, here’s a rundown 
of some entertaining Usenet news 
groups. For “newbies” (that's cyberspeak 
for new on-line beings), Usenet is ап ех- 
tensive array of electronic message 
boards (2500-plus) where you сап ех- 
change news, views and info on topics 
ranging from the useful to the bizarre. 
Try news.lists for an overview of all the 
options, or check out some of these: *alt 
newbies—Introduce yourself and learn 
the ropes. *alt.best of inlerne—Postings 
from other news groups. *all.angsi—A 
place to vent anxiety. *alt.conspiracy— 
Oliver Stone’s favorite stop. *alt.budda 

22 short,fat.guy—The name alone makes this 


spot worthy of a visit. *alt.rock-n-roll— 
Music fans rate the bands and talk about 
their favorite tunes. "all society generation- 
x—A hangout for twenty-somethings. 
**altgeck—A news group Юг nerds. 
*alt hadkers—Learn about projects in 
progress. *alt-life.suck—Shiny, happy 
people, keep ош. *alt.net.personalities— 
Find out which celebrities cruise the Net. 
*alt.sex wizards—Sex experts answer any 
and all questions. *all.cyberpunk—Com- 
puter culture at its Блез. “ай. 
supermodels—Share your Cindy and Elle 
fantasies and then download their pic- 
tures. *alt tasteless jokes —Guaranteed to 
offend everyone. *all.activism—Activities 
for the socially conscious. *alt.barney.di- 
nosaur.die.die.die—Enough said. Feel free 
to forward some of your favorite news 
groups to mdrnlyng@playboy.com. 


CUTTING THE CORD 


Sure, you can connect a cellular phone 
to your notebook computer and send 

faxes and e-mail from the road. But 

50 cents a minute adds up when you're 
sending a 20-page document. Fortu- 
nately, this “anywhere, any time” com- 
munications link is about to change. By 
the close of the year, the FCC is expected 
to auction off radio bands dedicated to 
an emerging wireless technology known 
as Personal Communications Services. 
Using the digital electronics of comput- 
ers, PCS will enable you to transmit 
voice, data, graphics and ultimately full- 
motion video among a growing family of 
portable devices—for the price of a stan- 


dard phone call. Besides palm-size com- 


chines that combine the features of 
a telephone, a computer and a pager. 
Within a year, Nokia plans to introduce 
the 2191 PCS phone ($899). Aside from 


voice capabilities, the eight-ounce port- 

able phone can be used as a wireless 
modem and has a fivc-line display for A 
receiving pager messages. It also fca- 

tures a tiny removable identification. — 


card that stores account informa- 
tion, phones lists, etc. The SIM 
card will be compatible with other —— 7 
PCS terminals, so you can take — 
your personal information on the ` 

road and use it with other de- ~, 
vices as needed. IS. 


mm 


The Key, Lonestar Technologies’ air-guitar apparent (pictured here), is ап ==, 
interactive instrument that connects to your VCR, allowing you to jam —— 
along with music videos. Shaped to resemble a guitar, the $400 MIDI- — — 
compotible Key features a neck that's с keyboard and a body with _ ~> 
strummer veins instead of strings. You can produce hundreds of — ^^ 
sounds, and special digital informotion encoded on the videotapes en- — 

sures thot you'll never hit a bum note. So far, Geffen and Atlantic 
Records have signed on to release long-form music videos 
coded for the Key. Look for initial titles by Aerosmith, Peter 
Gabriel, Guns г/ Roses, Егіс Clapton and the Lemonheads. 
Also keep an eye out for CD-ROM and CD-I hookups for 
the Key; we hear they're in the works. ® Robert Redford 
has teamed up with Pioneer and softwore developer 
New Learning Project to create an interactive wilder- 
ness odyssey for the Laser Active system. The gist of 
the game? Players venture through rugged terrain, 
solving environmental mysteries. There's no title or 
price yet for this eco-friendly release, but it should 
be out eorly next year. ® At about the same time, Ac- 
tivision will release the first in a series of CD-ROM es- 
pianage thrillers co-developed by former CIA director 
William Colby. Available initially for IBM platforms 
and then later in the year for Macs, it will pit U.S. in- 
telligence against the КСВ. The price: about $70. 


Where & How 
fo Buy on poge 135. 


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MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


DURING THE opening credits of Pulp Fiction 
(Miramax), the screen displays a dictio- 
nary definition of the tide as “lurid” 
material. Let that be a warning. Writer- 
director Quentin Tarantino's previous 
film, Reservoir Dogs, made faint hearts 
flutter. But Dogs and even Scorsese's vio- 
lent Goodfellas look tame next to Taranti- 
no's gory, bleakly comic slice of life about 
the Los Angeles underworld. Written 
with bite and brilliantly acted through- 
out, this anthology of overlapping sto- 
ries about various crimes-in-progress 
took the Cannes Film Festival's top prize 
this past spring and thrusts Tarantino in- 
to eminence as a major director. 

‘The key players in these grim tales аге 
John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson as 
a team of cool professional hit men who 
trade insults and swap jokes while they 
matter-of-factly rub out any unlucky op- 
ponent. Uma Thurman adds a stunning 
bit as а mobster's stoned wife who has а 
drug overdose during a night on the 
town with Travolta. Harvey Keitel plays 
a kind of efficiency expert called in to 
show the killers how to tidy up a car 
spattered with blood and guts. Bruce 
Willis is 2 punk fighter fleeing Mob 
vengeance with his lady (Maria de 
Medeiros). All of it is Ged in with other 
flashy stints by Amanda Plummer, Tim 
Roth, Christopher Walken, Rosanna Ar- 
quette and Eric Stoltz, plus Tarantino 
himself in a minor role as a grudging 
accomplice. Whether or not he is try- 
ing to say something that matters about 
the banality of evil, Tarantino is a mas- 
terful cinematic storyteller—and with 
this rogues’ gallery, he will keep you 
amused, intrigued, grossed out and 
glued to your seat. YYYY 


Some of the plot holes in Blown Away 
(MGM) are about the size of bomb 
craters. That's probably typical for one 
more explosive summer thriller, pitting 
a Boston demolition troubleshooter (Jeff 
Bridges) against a truly mad bomber 
(played with fiendish gusto by Tommy 
Lee Jones). Bridges, it turns out, is him- 
selfa fugitive from Irish justice, marked 
for vengeance by Jones because of a fias- 
co dating back to their old days as mis- 
guided rebels in Ireland. Among many 
targets, Jones singles out Bridges’ pretty 
new wife (Suzy Amis), a violinist with the 
Boston Pops. Innocent victims, diaboli- 
cal plots and red herrings make movie- 
goers break a sweat every time a refrig- 
erator door opens without blowing 
sky-high—all in the game of getting 
wired in the movie's shrewd shock treat- 


24 ment. YY 


Amis and Bridges get Blown Away. 


Explosive bits about 
being bad, cruising in faraway 
places and full-contact chess. 


The big idea behind a low-concept 
comedy called Corrino, Corrina (New Line) 
was casting Whoopi Goldberg in the title 
role. Because she usually gives her all to 
parts that don’t deserve it, Whoopi is ex- 
cellent as an ebullient housekeeper who 
lands a job watching over the home, 
hearth and young daughter ofa recently 
widowed jingle writer (Ray Liotta). Of 
course, he's bereft and the kid is a brat. 
But will Whoopi win them over? You 
better believe it—if you can. Seeing isn't 
necessarily believing that Goldberg and 
Liotta will walk into the sunset arm in 
arm. As an interracial romance, this spir- 
ited Goldberg variation winds up as a 
good try. YY 

. 


“Two horny young Yanks abroad are 
the protagonists of Barcelona (Fine Line), 
writer-producer-director Whit Still- 
man's follow-up to his highly promising 
Metropolitan. This time, geographically 
removed from the stomping grounds of 
overprivileged New York socialites, he 
examines a Europe-based American 
salesman named Ted (Taylor Nichols) 
whose cousin Fred, a Navy officer (Chris 
Eigeman), goes to Spain in the early 
Eighties as an advance man for a visit by 
the Sixth Fleet. Mostly, the cousins seem 
interested in fraternizing with the evi- 
dently accessible belles of Barcelona. 
Ted, who insists he's through being 
blinded by physical beauty alone, sets his 


sights on plain, friendly Aurora (Nuria 
Badia) but winds up in bed with lissome 
Montserrat (Tushka Bergen). Fred ini- 
tially prefers Marta (Mira Sorvino). While 
the amorous adventures of Ted and Fred 
often smack of insensitive Ugly Ameri- 
canism, their romantic comedy of errors 
looks too much like a travelog to be tak- 
en seriously. Stillman is a talent who may 
improve his luck in another town. УУУ 


The movie trend of guys portraying 
dolls picks up speed in The Adventures of 
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (Gramercy Pic- 
tures), On a bus called Priscilla, two gay 
drag queens and a transsexual set off 
across the Australian outback to perform 
at а rockbound Tesort. One of the trio 
jokes about the gig as “a cock in a frock 
оп a rock.” That's just the beginning of 
writer-director Stephan Elliott’s droll, 
campy and gender-bending comedy 
with music. The major surprise of the 
outing is Britain's Terence Stamp, а 
handsome screen veteran who plays the 
transsexual Bernadette. Still in mourn- 
ing for a dead lover, Bernadette gets ro- 
mantically involved in transit with a 
rugged old hipster named Bob (Bill 
Hunter). Hugo Weaving and Guy Pearce 
contribute expert performances as the 
drag queens, whose encounters with 
outback hoodlums and aborigines keep 
Priscilla in perpetual motion. If your tol- 
erance level is low for such showy 
shenanigans, don't bother with this film. 
Otherwise, here’s a busload of outra- 
geously entertaining jokes performed in 
a stylized format. YYY 


A child's cunning saves him from the 
mean streets in writer-director Boaz 
Yakin's Fresh (Miramax), a tale of being 
young, gifted and black in Brooklyn. 
Movie newcomer Scan Nelson, cited for 
his performance with a special award at 
this year’s Sundance Film Festival, has 
the title role as а 12-year-old nicknamed 
Fresh. He runs drugs for local hoods 
and spends his spare time playing chess 
with his estranged dad (Samuel L. Jack- 
son again), a vagrant chess hustler who 
normally challenges suckers for money 
in Washington Square Park. Practicing 
shrewd moves in chess transforms Fresh 
into a master strategist who lures the ri- 
val racketeers around him to eliminate 
one another in a deadly turf war. Seen 
through the eyes of a precocious boy, 
this thriller reshapes the usual violence 
and gritty atmosphere into a feisty urban 


fable. УУУ 
. 


In Taiwan, a widowed master chef 
named Mr. Chu (Sihung Lung) has three 


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26 


ЖМ 
Diaz: The girl behind The Mask. 


OFF CAMERA 


If you've never heard of Сот- 
eron Diaz, wait—you will. Not quite 
22, she is Jim Carrey's leading lady 
in his current movie, The Mask. 
Hers is one of those Hollywood 
overnight-success stories: Beauti- 
ful model casually goes to read for 
small role, winds up as movie- 
dom's new rising star. Easy? Not 
really, Diaz recalls. “It’s a $20 mil- 
lion movie, and the studio wanted 
a woman with а name that would 
sell overseas. I went back to read 
with Carrey every day for 12 days. 
I was getting an ulcer and I 
couldn't sleep.” 

Finally cast as Tina, “playing a 
Jessica Rabbit lounge floozy,” Diaz 
still calls her story absurd. “The 
first day I couldn't drive myself to 
the studio. [ was crying and laugh- 
ing all the way. I was sure they'd 
fire me 

Born in Long Beach, California, 
Diaz knew both country clubs and 
the Latino ghetto, and calls her 
upbringing “the best of both 
worlds.” She began modeling at 
16. “I’ve done a lot of traveling, to 
Europe, Japan. I wasn't a fashion 
model in the big league—where 
I'm on the cover of Vogue every 
other month.” But she could af- 
ford an apartment in Paris as well 
as her West Hollywood digs, 
where she's now focused on her 
career and a boyfriend. "By the 
time 1 reach my 40s, I'd like to 
have a family and be a zoologist. 
Meanwhile, I'm meeting A-list di 
rectors and producers. There's а 
lot of hoopla, a sort of pending 
excitement—but maybe in two 
months nobody will give a damn. 
Every year, some magazine prints 
pictures of up-and-coming actress- 
models, then you never see them 
again.” Cameron may prove to be 
an exception to the rule. 


unmarried daughters who think for 
themselves. He's also worried his taste 
buds have atrophied. Director and co- 
author Ang Lee, blending food with love 
as he did in last year's Oscar-nominated 
The Wedding Banquet, cooks up another 
successful recipe in Eat Drink Man Woman 
(Samuel Goldwyn) to resolve both prob- 
lems. The meals presented look mouth- 
watering, and the daughters are an 
equally tasty trio—teacher, airline execu- 
tive and impressionable romantic. How 
they all find love or lose it while their fa- 
ther fusses gives Eat Drink a palatable 
comic tang that turns out to be the spice 
of life. УМУ 


Director Robert Zemeckis, who made 
Back to the Future, is exactly the right man 
to have filmed Forrest Gump (Paramount). 
Based on the book by Winston Groom, 
the movie is a time trip through the 
Fifties, Sixties and Seventies—starring 
Тот Hanks as the hero of the title. He’s 
a slow-witted Southern lad whose low IQ 
doesn't keep him from becoming a col- 
lege football star, a Vietnam war hero, a 
ping-pong champion anda tycoon of the 
shrimp-boat industry. He also falls in 
love for life with a childhood sweetheart 
(Robin Wright) who survives the drug 
scene, communes and antiwar activi 
Described by Zemeckis as a “docu-fable,” 
the movie convincingly shows Gump 
shaking hands with JFK and being pat- 
ted on his wounded butt (“a million-dol- 
lar wound” from Nam) by President 
Johnson. This is part of Forrest Gump's ef- 
fort to be an American Candide—depict- 
ing an innocent simpleton who bumbles 
through our bullet-ridden modern his- 
tory. Hanks, to his credit, never grovels 
for sympathy. This is a complex human 
comedy that is heartwarming to the 
max, both curiously offbeat and oddly 
disarming. УУУ 


What happens to Ir Could Happen to You 
(TriStar) is that a mainstream romantic 
comedy limps onto the big screen with 
most of its romance and comedy miss- 
ing. Formerly titled Cop Tips Waitress 
$2 Million, this misbegotten tale co-stars 
Nicolas Cage and Bridget Fonda. He's 
the good-guy cop who wins $4 million іп 
the New York lottery after pledging half 
of it to a bankrupt waitress when he 
comes up shy of cash for her tip. The 
Cage-Fonda sexual chemistry is nil. At 
their closest they hardly seem to know 
each other well enough to share a taxi, 
much less a future. As Cage's bitchy, 
selfish wife, Rosie Perez makes a bad 
movie worse with an abrasive perfor- 
mance that plays like an argument for 
uxoricide. But the real blame lies with 
Andrew Bergman's perfectly ordinary 
direction of a screenplay that happens to 
bea dud. Y 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 
capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the 
Desert (See review) TVs on a bus. УУУ 
Barcelona (See review) U.S. guys dally 
with ever-ready Spanish doll. ¥¥/2 
Blown Away (See review) Lively action 
about being bombed in Boston. УУУ; 
City Slickers и (Reviewed 8/94) А dim- 
mer Crystal this time around. Wr 
The Client (8/94) Sarandon meets 
Jones, and Grisham gets his due. ҰУУ 
Coming Out Under Fire (8/94) A pithy 
history of gays in the military УУУ 
Corrine, Cerrina (See review) How 
Whoopi lures her man, Ray Liotta. yy 
The Crow (7/94) The late Brandon 
Lee's dark and awesome epic. yy 
Eat Drink Mon Woman (See review) A de- 
licious Chinese love note. yyy 
Fear of a Black Hat (7/94) A rowdy rap 
group gets Spinal Tap treatment. ҰҰУ 
The Flintstones (8/94) A box-office bo- 
nanza, but not much else. y 
Forrest Gump (Sce review) Hanks as a 
latter-day All-American Candide. ¥¥¥ 
Fresh (See review) Working those 
mean streets with a wunderkind. ¥¥¥ 
it Could Happen to You (See review) 
Winners taking a chance on love. У 
dust Like а Woman (8/94) Under the 
fills and fislinct, a guy thing. vv 
The Lion King (8/94) Family values with 
an inimitable Disney touch. u 
Little Big League (8/94) A 12-year-old 
owner takes charge of the Twins. vv 
Mi Vida Loca (8/94) L.A. homegirls face 
the man shortage. Wr 
My Life's in Turnaround (7/04) Making a 
movie any which way you can. WV 
Pulp Fiction (See review) The Cannes 
winner—a blast from Tarantino. ¥¥¥¥ 
Sirens (5/94) A churchman and his 


wife get down, down under. — YYyv 
The Slingshot (7/94) Swedish lad’s 
weapon of choice isacondom. УУУ 


Spanking the Monkey (8/94) Mother's 
boy goes the distance with Mom. УУУ 
Speed (Listed only) Breathtaking busi- 
ness on a bomb-laden bus. W/o 
Sunday’s Children (6/94) From Ingmar 
Bergman's screenplay, his son waxes 
poetic about family matters. vvv 
That's Entertainment Ш (6/94) MGM 
archives yield more old gold. УУУУ: 
The Wedding Gift (8/94) Before dying, 
she chooses husband's next wife. ¥¥'/2 
Wolf (Listed only) Humor and horror, 
but Nicholson gives it some bite. ¥¥'/2 
The Wonderful, Horrible Life of Leni Riefen- 
stahl (6/94) A great film genius haunt- 
ed by her pro-Nazi credentials, УУУУ 


¥¥ Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


УУУУ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


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VIDEO 


ЛИШ 


Jerry Seinfeld's vid- 
eo picks go right for 
the funny bone— 
sort of. “If I really 
want to laugh,” he 
says, “1 watch The 
In-Laws for Peter 
Falk's interpretation 
of José Greco's De 
Muertos speech. Or Raging Bull. That's the 
funniest movie Гуе ever seen. The most hi- 
lericus part is when Cathy Moriarty walks 
over to the car and says, ‘Nice car’ That 
just cracks me up.” Between his NBC 
Series and cross-country touring, Sein- 
feld finds little time for video viewing. 
“Still, if 1 did rent something,” admits the 
observationalist, “it would probably be 
porn. Because even if it's bad, you're not 
disappointed.” —SUSW KARLN 


VIDEO SIX-PACK 
this month: dog days of summer 


Straw Dogs (1971): Doltish Dustin НоЯ- 
man and teasecake Susan George are be- 
sieged by rustic ruffians in their rural 
British farmhouse Sam Peckinpah gore. 
Dog Day Afternoon (1975): Pacino at his 
finest as a married loser pulling a bank 
heist to pay for his male lover's sex 
change operation. Best scene: the "Atti- 
са! Ашса!” tantrum. 

Му Ше аз а Dog (1987): Consummate 
coming-of-age film finds a young boy 
discovering a soulmate in Laika, the So- 
viet spacedog. Early entry from Lasse 
(What's Eating Gilbert Grape) Hallstrom. 
Dogfight (1991): Director Nancy Savo- 
са” satire of Sixties sexism has River 
Phoenix and Marine buddies betting on 
who can bring the ugliest date to the 
dance. Lily Taylor's the bow-wow. 

The Incredible Story of Dogs (1994): A&E's 
exhaustive three-tape set captures the 
history and social significance of man's 
best friend. Narrated by Jack Perkins. 
Beethoven's 2nd (1994): Defanged sequcl 
to family hit pits Charles Grodin against 
St. Bernard for scenery-chewing honors. 
Fetching. — TERRY CATCHPOLE 


VIDBITS 


Lovable redhead weds Cuban bongo- 
beater, longs to be in showbiz but lacks 
talent. That's the frothy formula for ı 
love Lucy: The Very First Show (CBS), the 
priceless pilot episode lost some 40 years 
ago and finally found by the widow of 
Песі pal Pepito the Clown. Only bum- 
mer: no Fred and Ethel. . . . Thanks to 
Steven Spielberg, Oskar Schindler is 


28 posthumously enjoying his spotlight. 


Schindler, HBO's illuminating documen- 
tary portrait, includes archival footage 
and present-day interviews with those 
who knew the list-maker best, among 
them his widow, Emilie. In color and 
black-and-white. . . . Two of the big 
screen's classiest actors are together 
again for the first time, thanks to simul- 
taneous releases from MPI Michael 
Caine: Breaking the Mold is the story of a 
cockney turned star, narrated by the 
bloke himself; and Audrey Hepburn Re- 
membered eulogizes moviedom’s most 


enchanting princess. Ten percent of 


profits from the latter go to Unicef. 


LITTLE BIG SCREEN 


As television prepares itself for 500 
channels, it’s fun to remember the days 
when the small screen was just a dozen 
stops on the dial—and a favorite target 
of big-screen scrutiny. 

Videodrome: David Cronenberg's twisted 
vision of visceral video cult includes hu- 
man VCRs, throbbing tapes and getting 
head from the TV. 

Switching Channels: Decent update of His 
Girl Friday. Kathleen Turner is Rosalind 
Russell, Burt Reynolds is Cary Grant, 
Cable News Network is the newspaper. 
Feed: Documentary of 1992 New Hamp- 
shire presidential primary shows the 
crusts usually cut from sound bites. Best 
nugget: Jerry Brown whining over neck- 
tie placement. 

The Front: Blacklisted writers use Woody 
Allen to sell TV scripts in McCarthy- 
crazed Fifties. Cast and crew includes 


blacklist alumni. A gem. 

Network: The granddaddy of flicks about 
the tube is a bitingly hilarious satire on 
the TV business that became spot-on 
prophecy. Brilliant script by Paddy 
Chayefsky and a posthumous acting Os- 
car to Peter Finch. 

The Groove Tube: Cult classic of silly TV-in- 
spired vignettes. Notable early аррсаг- 
ance: Chevy Chase having head played 
like bongo while singing fn Looking Over 
a Four Leaf Clover. 

Real Life: Albert Brooks’ outrageous par- 
ody of PBS’ An American Family docu- 
mentary. Real life should only be this 
funny. — REED KIRK RAHLMANN 


LASER FARE 


Columbia TriStar has begun rolling out 
its Award Winners collection—classic best- 
picture films remastered for wide-screen 
posterity. Headlining the new releases 
are two from director David Lean: the 
1957 World War Two epic, The Bridge on 
the River Kwai, now with juiced-up colors 
and letterboxing, and the 238-minute 
Lawrence of Arabia (1962), which includes 
the featurette Wind, Sand and Star: The 
Making of a Classic. Both films feature 
stereo sound and closed-captioning. 

Speaking of flashbacks, David Bowie: The 
Video Collection (Pioneer Artists) rein- 
forces the argument that Bowie's appeal 
is timeless. The 25-cut disc includes 
many of the pre-MTV videos that gave 
Bowie his peculiar cachet. Beware, 
though: The program may leave you 
with art school OD. —GREGORY В FAGAN 


Naked (philasophizing Brit slacker boffs and scoffs his woy 
thraugh London; Mike Leigh's rich, downbeat portrait of Nine- 
Чез gloom), Body Snatchers (quirky retread of classic alien pic, 
with beauty Gabrielle Anwar showing great pod potential). 


Romeo Is Bleeding (bad cop Oldman ducks Mob while jug- 
gling wife, mistress and hot hit-lady Olin; a hoot), Blindfold: 
Acts of Obsession (Shannen Doherty's first grown-up film is 
ап erotic thriller; predictable, but plenty af Shannen skin). 


Sole USA Disrbuter, Remy Amerie Inc NY, NY. BO Preot. 0% Ае Nol ©1904 


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from grapes of the Cognac ЖЫ? best areas. 


30 


STYLE 


SHIP-TO-SHORE OUTERWEAR 


The classic peacoat is shaping up to be the season's hot new 
jacket. A far cry from the itchy Navy archetype, circa the 
1830s, the newest versions come in comfortable fabrics and 
have a street-smart attitude. The peacoat is a good invest- 
ment: Hip-length and double-breasted, it’s versatile enough 
to wear with jeans and a bulky sweater or as a sporty topcoat 
over a three-piece suit. 
Those looking for a light- 
weight model should check 
out Katharine Hamnett's tan 
casual corduroy shown here 
($435), or MNW Wardrobe's 
navy cotton poplin style with 
brown plaid lining ($430). 
For colder climates, consider 
DKNY's navy wool coat with 
a detachable hunting-orange 
nylon quilt lining ($395). 
Victor Victoria's version is 
made of lush, black melton 
($530), while Calvin Klein 
opts for battered brown 
leather ($1100). For leather 
at a lower price, try M. Ju- 
lian’s retro boot-calf jacket 
with welt pockets ($400). Or, if you prefer a more genteel in- 
terpretation, look to Salvatore Ferragamo's classic navy wool 
jacket with gold buttons ($795). It's perfect for captains of in- 
dustry—on land or on water. 


GET FATIGUED 


Another military style that ranks high as menswear this 
fall is cargo (or fatigue) pants, which can serve as a com- 
fortable, casual alternative to jeans and chinos. Au- 
thentic versions are still available at Army-Navy 
stores or, for an updated look, check out Tommy 
Hilfiger’s khaki cargoes in stonewashed canvas 
with a herringbone weave and bellows side pock- 
cts ($69). Double RL by Ralph Lauren also 
salutes the military with its “fatigue pants” in 
dark corduroy, cotton twill or blue denim ($78 to 
$125). A pair of washed olive cotton twill cargo pants 
from Armani Jeans comes with attached adjustable 
suspenders ($145). Woolrich has a pleated version 
($50) that features a buttoned flap pocket. Guess’ 
black herringbone-striped denim cargo pants 
($65) and the straight-leg tobacco wool mod- 
els by Suspect both have a vintage look that 
resembles the dockworker style of the Thir- 
ties and Forties ($149). Diesel gets down-to- 
earth with its gabardine, flat-front, button-fly 
cargo model ($110). And Verso makes cargoes in canvas 
with two large outside pockets that snap ($68). 


S T Y L 


HOT SHOPPING: ST. LOUIS 


The Gateway to the West is no frontier town, thanks to the 
fashionable Central West End. Make your way to: Strata-G 
(930 N. Euclid Ave.): Specializes in men's accessories, with 


great retro and gco- 
CLOTHES LINE 


metric ties. е Boxers 

(310 N. Euclid Ave.): 

The ultimatein mens Viewers of Today on NBC will vouch 

underwear. Briefs, for news anchor Matt Lauer’s fash- 
ion savvy. He credits his taste to 

Richard's Men's Store 


too. * Wasteland 

Studio (324 N. Eu- 
in Greenwich, Con- 
necticut, where һе 


clid Ave.): A treasure 
worked while in col- 


trove of leather 

goods, including cus- 
lege. In answer to the 
“tons of mail | get 


tom-made cowboy 

boots and belts. е 

Ее Чел Cars about my wardrobe: 
ls from Richard's." 
What are Lauer's fa- 


temporary Art 

(4727 McPherson 
vorite styles? Donna 
Karan suits provide "a 


Ave.): Top gallery 
great, relaxed fit," he 


that supports 

ET artists as 

well as showing says. And people from 

works by such all over the country 

renowned ones as call about his Joseph 

David Hockney and Abboud and Park Lane ties. Off- 

Jim Dine. è Ba- camera it's blue jeans, white 
T-shirts and Tony Lama cowboy 

boots, Underneath it all, he loves 


taglia Men's Shop 
(40 Maryland Plaza): 

Calvin Klein long briefs. "I'm glued 
to them, so to speak." 


Unusual, vibrantly 
colored sweaters and 
sportswear imported 
from Germany. 
* Cafe Balaban's (405 N. Euclid Ave.): A hip eatery 

with American fare such as grilled bison. 


COMMON SCENTS 


If you like the way your significant other has 
been smelling lately, it’s probably because she's 
wearing your cologne. More women are using 
men’s fragrances these days. Some of their fa- 
vorites, we're told, include Polo Sport by Ralph Lau- 
ren, a scent that combines mint, citrus and sea-breeze 
elements ($35 for 2.5 ounces), Armani for Men ($50 for 
3 ounces) and Guerlain's original fragrance, Eau de 
Cologne Imperiale (536 for 1.7 ounces). Picking up оп 
this trend, Calvin Klein has introduced a unisex scent, 
cKone, which combines light citrus with masculine 
musks. Another gender-bender is Bulgari's unisex 
splash, Eau Parfumée ($185 for 11 ounces), a citrus 
and floral combination. Sharing doesn't mean еуету- 
one will smell alike. Fragrances change slightly on each s 
individual. But if you and your girlfriend still smell the ? 
same, maybe you really do share chemistry. 


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By DIGBY DIEHL 


AFTER A DOZEN well-written earlier mys- 
terics, James Lee Burke nails down a 
breakthrough sizzler with Dixie City Jam 
(Hyperion). This book is based on the lit- 
tle-known historical fact that during 
World War Two, Nazi submarines would 
wait at the mouth of the Mississippi Riv- 
er for oil tankers coming from Baton 
Rouge. In the Nineties, Dave Ro- 
bicheaux, formerly with the New Or- 
leans Police Department, is offered 
$10,000 to locate one of the sunken subs 
for a local Jewish businessman. This as- 
signment plunges Robicheaux into the 
bizarre and horrifying underworld of 
neo-Nazi thugs, skinheads and other 
racists in New Orleans. 

Burke’s exploration of how the past 
can haunt the present is an important 
theme. But what makes this story com- 
pelling is the way in which he reveals 
evil at various levels of New Orleans so- 
ciety. A vigilante is murdering drug deal- 
ers, and a lot of people—including both 
cops and mobsters—think it’s a good 
idea. When Robicheaux's wife is molest- 
ed by a mysterious psychopath, the ex- 
cop struggles to keep vengeful anger 
within the strictures of the law. Dixie City 
Jam is an impressive mixture of descrip- 
tive power and tough action. 

‘An equally engaging new crime novel 
with a different pace and style is set in 
San Francisco. The 13th Juror (Donald I. 
Finc), by John Т. Lescroart, is а heart- 
pounding page turner. Dismas Hardy, 
Lescroart's attorney-detective from pre- 
vious novels, is asked to defend a woman 
accused of murdering her husband, her 
ex-husband and her child. He believes 
her emphatic denials of guilt and takes 
the case, only to watch almost every ele- 
ment of his client's defense unravel un- 
der attacks by a shrewd prosecutor. Even 
the jury turns against him. His only 
chance is to persuade that proverbial 
13th juror, the judge. The 13th Juror is 
courtroom drama at its best; the trial 
scenes crackle with excitement. 

One of America's most notorious 
crime sagas is presented in rich detail 
(636 pages) in Саропе: The Man and the 
fra (Simon & Schuster), by Laurence 
Bergreen. The author extracts Al Ca- 
pone from decades of mythology and 
misinformation to reveal him in the con- 
text of his times. Capone is portrayed as 
a killer, but he was also a scapegoat for 
the failure of Prohibition and a symbolic 
target in the politics of law enforcement. 
In addition to the thoughtful portrait 
of Capone's society, Bergreen provides 
an unusual perspective on the growth 
of the city of Chicago. 

Another new biography depicts a life 

32 far removed from Capone's gangster 


Dixie City Jam: A violent underworld. 


Summer fare: A New Orleans 
sizzler, a courtroom drama 
and the real Al Capone. 


empire. Wishing on the Moon: The Life and 
Times of Billie Holiday (Viking), by Donald 
Clarke, follows the great jazz singer from 
her childhood on the streets of Balti- 
more through her rise to international 
stardom to her death at the age of 44 
from drugs and alcohol. Lady Day im- 
bucd her songs with personal meanings 
that become clear in this heavily anecdo- 
tal study. Clarke discovered a treasure 
trove of 150 interviews with Holiday's 
friends and associates that had been 
done by another writer in the carly Sev- 
enties. They give this biography an inti- 
macy not found in other works about 
Holiday—induding her own ghostwrit- 
ten Lady Sings the Blues 

Set in the early 


ies in San Diego, 
The Mortician’s Apprentice (W.W. Norton), 
by Rick DeMarinis, is as comic and sweet 
as Billic Holiday's story is sad. In this 
coming-of-age novel, 18-ycar-old Ozzie 
Santee falls for the local undertaker's 
daughter and embarks on a career as a 
coffin salesman. His future father-in-law 
gives the happy couple a new Dodge 
Coronet Sierra Station Wagon Gyromat- 
ic, and Ozzie dreams of crowds waving 
money and begging for caskets. He's 
heading for six weeks at the Golden Gate 
College of Mortuary Science in San 
Francisco and a new life as the morti- 
cian's apprentice. But it's 1954, and 
when the world begins to pick up speed, 
Ozzie changes direction. DeMarinis 
gives this tale just the right touches of 
nostalgia, innocence and absurdity. 


There are two current collections of 
short stories to browse in, one by a new 
voice and one by an established talent: 
A Stranger in This World (Doubleday), by 
Kevin Canty, and Rare & Endangered 
Species (Houghton Mifflin), by Richard 
Bausch. The characters in Canty's stories 
have a detached, somnambulistic view of 
life, including the 34-year-old woman 
who dreams of her deceased fighter-pilot 
husband as she entertains herself with 
other men. Many of Bausch's stories are 
about the tortured peculiarities of love, 
such as "Aren't You Happy for Me?” in 
which a man’s 22-year-old daughter calls 
from college to tell him that she is preg- 
nant by her 63-year-old English profes- 
sor, whom she intends to marry. 


BOOK BAG 


Folk Erotica: Celebrating Centuries of Erot- 
ie Americona (HarperCollins), by Milton 
Simpson: Ranging from the sacred to 
the profane, these images define 18 cen- 
turies of American sexuality and erotic 
expression. Sometimes bawdy, some- 
times whimsical, always fun, the art in- 
cludes Native American petroglyphs, a 
colorful nudist wedding and a three-di- 
mensional carving of Adamand Eve hav- 
ing sex in the Garden of Eden. 

Hot Jobs: The No-Holds Barred, Tell H-Like — 
It-ls Guide to Getting the Jobs That Everybody 
Wants (HarperCollins), by Charlic Droz- 
аук: It’s a jungle out there when it 
comes to job hunting in the Nineties. A 
cross between What Color Is Your Para- 
chute? and Jobs in Paradise, this career- 
information book is a collection of in- 
terviews with copywriters, filmmakers, 
fashion designers, music-video produc- 
ers and other high-profile people whose 
advice could land you a hot job. 

Aloha (Simon & Schuster), by Mark 
Christensen: A hypercool 21st century 
caper that takes place in a world in 
which nobody ventures outdoors with- 
out heavy-duty sunblock, doors unlock 
with the recitation of haiku and Korea 
has been transformed into а согрога- 
tion. Postmillennial high-jinks. 

Fairways and Greens: The Best Golf Writing 
of Dan Jenkins (Doubleday): This witty 
collection takes its title from golfers for 
whom the phrase “Fairways and greens” 
means “Have a good time.” 

Nine Scorpions in a Bottle: Great Judges 
and Cases of the Supreme Court (Arcade 
Publishing), by Max Lerner, edited by 
Richard Cummings: The dean of 
Supreme Court watchers demystifies the 
Court for a new generation. With pas- 
sion and fire, Max Lerner shook the 
foundations of the legal lefi and right, as 
demonstrated in this posthumous соПес- 
tion of commentaries. 


Babe Ruth 
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‘The Baben prised autograph 
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Py abe Ruth s incredible “called shot home run in 
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ibe's histor 
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34 


FITNESS 


o the vitamin-gobbling faithful it 

I was as if the Pope had been re- 

vealed as an atheist: On April 14, a front 

page New York Times headline read vrra- 

MIN SUPPLEMENTS ARE SEEN AS NO GUARD 

AGAINST DISEASES: STUDY UPSETS VIEW CON- 
CERNING HEART AND CANCER. 

The study, conducted under the aegis 
of the National Cancer Institute and the 
National Public Health Institute in Fin- 
land, examined 29,000 Finnish men, 
aged 50 and older, all of whom were 
heavy smokers. One group of subjects 
took vitamin A in the form of beta 
carotene (a supplement that converts to 
vitamin A in the body), a second group 
took vitamin E, a third group took both 
А and E and a fourth group was given a 
placebo. After more than five years there 
was no evidence that the vitamin supple- 
ments prevented lung cancer or heart 
disease to any meaningful degree. 

Furthermore, the findings suggested 
that vitamins might in fact be a menace. 
Subjects who took vitamin A suffered an 
18 percent higher rate of lung cancer 
than subjects who took the placebo, and 
those who took vitamin E had 50 percent 
more fatal strokes. 

Health authorities were caught by sur- 
prise because the report contradicted 
two decades of vitamin research. Re- 
searchers are particularly troubled, says 
Dr. Philip Taylor, chief of the Cancer 
Prevention Studies branch of the Na- 
tional Cancer Institute, “because the 
Finnish study was an enormous, ran- 
domized, double-blind, placebo-con- 
trolled clinical trial. This kind of ran- 
domized trial is considered the gold 
standard of clinical research.” 


The vitamin craze began back in 1970, 
when Nobel Prize-winning chemist Li- 
nus Pauling trumpeted vitamin C as a 
wonder drug, claiming that massive dos- 
escould prevent every ailment from can- 
cer to the common cold. At first the med- 
ical establishment dismissed Pauling as 
an old codger who had gone off the deep 
end. But in the ensuing decades, evi- 
dence began to suggest not only that 
Pauling was right about vitamin C but al- 
so that other so-called antioxidant vita- 
mins—most notably vitamins E and A— 
were even more effective than C at 
preventing a host of deadly cancers and 
significantly lessened the risk of death 


By JON KRAKAUER 


THE GREAT 
VITAMIN FLAP 


from heart attacks. 

By late last ycar the argument for 
swallowing megadoses of vitamin sup- 
plements had been supported by more 
than 100 published studies. Harvard re- 
searchers reported that test subjects who 
took at ki 100 milligrams of vitamin E 
daily experienced 40 percent less heart 
disease than people who took little or no 
supplemental vitamin E. A five-year ex- 
periment involving 30,000 people in 
northern China—a region with the 
world's highest rate of esophageal can- 
cer—found that a daily cocktail of vita- 
min A, vitamin E and the mineral seleni- 
um reduced deaths from stomach cancer 
by 21 percent and reduced overall mor- 
tality by nine percent. 

Then the outcome of the Finnish 
study was released, and suddenly it 
seemed that all bets were off. Before you 
toss out your vitamin supplements, how- 
ever, a brief tutorial on antioxidant theo- 
ry isin order. 

Thanks to the stress of daily life, a 
number of oxygen molecules in your 
bloodstream are short electrons, which 
transforms them into unstable entities 
called free radicals. These rogue mole- 
cules seek to restore their missing elec- 
trons by scavenging replacements from 
adjacent cells, a process known as oxida- 
tion—the same process by which iron 


ох s into rust. Oxidation does just as 
much damage to human cells as rust 
does to metal, eroding DNA in the cells" 
nuclei. The result can be cancer, heart 
disease or other serious trouble. Accord- 
ing to the theory, antioxidants latch on 
to.and neutralize free radicals before 
they can damage the cells in their path. 

Nobody disputes that foods rich in 
natural antioxidants help guard against 
cancer, which is why the Food and Drug. 
Administration urges you to eat five 
servings of fruits and vegetables a day. 
The problem is, vegetables such as broc- 
coli and tomatoes contain hundreds of 
nutrients, and it's difficult to know which 
particular vitamins or minerals are re- 
sponsible for the good deeds. 

Identifying and synthesizing the bene- 
баа! vitamins allows people to ingest 
them in greater quantities than they 
would get from food alone. Vitamin E, 
for instance, has been shown to be vastly 
more effective when the daily dosage is 
atleast 1000 milligrams, whicl 
virtually impossible to achieve without 
supplements. 

Does the Finnish study discourage the 
use of supplements? Not necessarily. For 
one thing, the Finnish subjects’ daily in- 
take of vitamin E was quite small, only 50 
milligrams. And in the case of vitamin A, 
the designers of the study might simply 
have isolated the wrong substance. Per- 
haps if they had chosen, say, alpha 
carotene instead of beta carotene, the re- 
sults would have been different. 

There is yet another reason to take the 
study cautiously. “It involved 29,000 in- 
dividuals who were heavy smokers for at 
least 35 years,” explains John Cordaro, 
president of the Council for Responsible 
Nutrition. “And you have to wonder: 
Were the lung cancers the vitamins were 
supposed to prevent present before the 
study began? It could well be that these 
vitamins do in fact help reduce the risk 
of cancer but are unable to cure cancers 
that are already underway.” 

So, should you take supplements or 
not? “Everybody wants to read the final 
chapter on vitamins,” says Dr. Taylor. 
“Unfortunately, researchers are still 
working on the middle of the book.” In 
the meantime, ГИ continue to swallow 
vitamins E, C and B by the bucketload— 
and choke down as much broccoli as 1 
can stand. 

El 


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36 


MEN 


I tis almost autumn and, whether you 

are 15 or 50, you can sense that the 
summer of 1994 is nearly over. School 
will soon be back in session, and that 
prospect brings а certain chill to the av- 
erage male’s psyche. Don't worry, gen- 
temen, it's genetic. Guys of all ages get 
nervous as September approaches. What 
boy of summer ever wants to be impris- 
oned for the upcoming fall, winter and 
spring? 

Remember how you felt asa kid when 
you walked by your grade school in Au- 
gust and realized that its doors would 
open soon? Probably like a doomed calf 
about to be herded into the stockyard. 
Nine out of ten boys see the end of sum- 
mer as the end of freedom. 

We don't talk much about our grade 
school years, but we should, because 
those times shaped our attitudes—espe- 
cially our attitudes toward women. Sev- 
cral recent studies were said to prove 
that girls have a tougher time than boys 
do in grade school. I don’t buy it. For 
boys, grades one through eight usually 
are dominated by a powerful female 
presence, and we are frequently targeted 
for extra admonishment by women 
teachers. It is in grade school that the 
specter of the omnipotent female gains 
its hold on us. 

If you want a laugh, ask any man 
about his grade school teachers, Ask him 
who drove him the craziest and he will 
probably describe a female teacher. 
There is an inevitable collision between 
grade school boys and the women who 
staff the system. The teachers want order 
and discipline, the boys want anarchy 
and fun, and a power struggle ensues. 

All fathers should sit down for a talk 
with their sons before the first day of 
school. “OK, kid,” the fathers might say, 
“this is it. Be careful out there, because 
school is not easy for boys. Some of your 
teachers will go after you like the feds 
went after Capone. What do teachers 
want from boys? Thats simple, soi 
They want to turn all of you into nice 
girls. Understand that these women love 
men like Barry Manilow and Alan Alda. 
You'll never be able to please them. So 
stay cool, son. Because you are now fac- 
ing your first skirmish in the battle of 
the sexes.” 

Elementary school, day one: You walk 
into your first grade class and find your- 
self in a room full of perpetual female 


By ASA BABER 


SCHOOL 
CRAZE 


scolds. You sense that for eight long and 
boring years of so-called education, the 
hits will keep on coming: "Dont run, 
don't talk, don't tease the girls, don’t put 
mud on your desk, don't scratch your- 
self, don't pick your nose, don't wipe it 
on your pants, don't fight, don't argue, 
don't joke, don’t play hardball at recess, 
don't forget to do your homework, don't 
lie about why you didn't do your home- 
work, don't get to school late, don't leave. 
carly don't squirt water in the bath- 
room, don't flush lighted cherry bombs 
down the toilet, don't throw erasers, 
dont blow chalk dust on your class- 
mates, don't cross your eyes and stick 
out your tongue when the teacher's back 
is turned, don't play with yourself, don't 
fart in assembly just to get some laughs 
and, for the last time, don't tease the. 
girls!" What man cannot recite tbis neg- 
ative litany from his boyhood years? 
School days, school craze. 

I polled some of my friends about this 
subject. They are grown men, but they 
remember their time in grade school as 
if it were yesterday. 

Ken: “My eighth grade teacher wore 
her hair in a bun, and she was always on 
my case. She could hear a Q-Tip drop in 
the back of the classroom. When I would 
start to answer a question she had asked 
me, she would interrupt: ‘Speak up, 


Ken. I can't hear you, Ken. Don't stutter, 
Ken. Don’t mumble.’ The more she in- 
terrupted me, the more I screwed up. To 
this day I have a problem dealing with 
women who wear their hair in a bun. 1 
have flashbacks and start to stutter when 
I talk to them. My wife tried it once. 
She put her hair in a bun and I freaked 
out. "T-rtake it d-d-down! I yelled. ‘I 
c-c-can't handle itt” 

Marty: “My sixth grade teacher wasan 
alcoholic, and she assigned mc to malted 
milk duty. Every morning at ten 1 was 
supposed to go to а drugstore down the 
street and get her a chocolate malted 
milk. When I brought it back, I was sup- 
posed to stand in front of her desk and 
cover her while she poured a few ounces 
of scotch into the cup. One day I asked 
her for a sip of scotch in front of the 
class. It was a wiseass thing to do, I ad- 
mit. But she nuked me for it. Then and 
there she kicked me off the student 
council and fired me as a patrol boy. She 
flunked me in social studies.” 

Sam: “My gym teacher made me her 
assistant. 1 was supposed to carry all the 
athletic gear from the storeroom to the 
gym before class. One day I brought all 
the boxes in from the storeroom like I 
was supposed to—including a large blue 
and white box that happened to contain 
her supply of Kotex. 1 mean, I didn't 
know what they were. Bandages? Arm- 
bands? A new game? I didn’t know. Boy, 
was she pissed. The girls giggled and 
blushed and some of the boys laughed. 
She sent me to the principal's office and 
said I should be suspended for being 
a troublemaker. The principal lectured 
me and then sent me home for the day. I 
went to the drugstore and stared at the 
Kotex boxes and wondered if I would 
ever understand girls.” 

Joe: “One of my teachers in junior 
high had great breasts. She also wore 
tight sweaters. I stared at her all day, and 
she often scolded me for it. But right af- 
ter she scolded me, she would smile and 
push out her chest. Double signals? You 
bet. They make me nuts. And it started 
there.” 

The next time you think about how 
easy boys have it in grade school, think 
again. It is not our natural environment. 
No sugar and spice for us. Snips and 
snails and puppy dogs tails: That's what 
we'll always be made of. 


WOMEN 


F our of my close friends are preg- 
nant. All of them are having girls. 
Extrapolating, this clearly means that 30 
percent of women of childbearing age 
are at this very moment pregnant with 
girls. And the burning question is: Will 
these innocent, tiny fetuses grow up to 
be young women every bit as confused 
and fucked up as my friends and I are? 

1 do not want to see our future women 
awash in neuroses, low self-esteem and 
double standards. To curtail this, 1 have 
prepared a little quiz you can take to see 
if you'd make a good dad. 

(1) Every time I turn on a talk show 
or read a book or newspaper, the topics 
of incest and child abuse smack me in 
the face. Although I had no idea that in- 
cest and child abuse are our new па- 
tional pastimes, my own feelings about 
them are: 

(a) A man feeds and clothes and cares 
for his children, and they owe him some- 
thing. They owe him everything. They 
are his children, and whatever he choos- 
es to do with them is his business. 

(ЫІ was beat up and abused regularly 
by my father and I hate him for it. Lam 
acauldron of boiling rage. I hope to God 
1 don't do anything like that to my chil- 
dren. I'm kind of pretty sure I won't. 

(c) Some kids are always flaunting 
themselves in front of you. They're just 
asking for it. 

(d) It's not so bad if 
ond cousin or something 

Yup, that was a trick question de- 
signed to weed out the psychos among 
you. If you even contemplated (a), (b), 
(с) or (d), you are never allowed to be a 
father. Immediately begin ten years ofin- 
tensive psychotherapy or shoot yourself. 

(2) 1 have heard that a child’s self-im- 
age is initially (and usually indelibly) 
shaped by her parents’ feedback. My 
daughter is pretty, good in math, afraid 
to ride her bike, always climbing trees 
and obsessed with weird, punk clothing. 
To give her a positive sellimage. . . 

(a) 1 tell her she is beautiful, gorgeous, 
a real knockout, a heartbreaker. 

(b)I work with her every day to help. 
her learn to ride her bike. 

(© Every time she gets an A in math I 
give her a special treat. 

(d) 1 tell her she cannot climb trees un- 
less she’s with a grown-up, I play math 
games with her, I let the bike rust and 1 
give her a clothing allowance and let her 


"s a niece or sec- 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


DAUGHTERS AND 
DADS: A POP QUIZ 


wear whatever the hell she wants. 

If you answered (a), you're doing what 
countless fathers before you have done: 
You're focusing on your daughter's ap- 
pearance instead of her self-worth. She 
will become crazed about her looks and 
let her inner self atrophy. If she grows 
up to be plain, she will feel worthless. If 
she grows up to be pretty, she will con- 
stantly need reassurance and she'll still 
feel worthless. If she grows up to be 
Brigitte Bardot, she will become an arro- 
gant, spoiled man-teaser who will revel 
in her beauty until her looks start to 
fade, then she will try to kill herself. 

If you answered (b), you're ignoring 
all her positive aspects and rubbing her 
nose in her weakness. She will grow up 
lacking confidence, always sure that 
whatever she does well is not nearly as 
important as her failures. Plan on plenty 
of therapy bills. 

If you answered (c), you're a party 
pooper. Before you knov it, she'll stop. 
having fun with math and start feeling 
pressured to please you. Let her have 
her successes and enjoy them with her; 
let her have her failures and commiser- 
ate with her. 

If you answered (d), you'll be a fab 
parent. You know that children need 
reasonable limits to feel safe and loved. 
You know that if you let her dimb trees 


unsupervised she'd think Geez, they re- 
ally want to get rid of me. Letting her 
wear whatever she wants tells her that no 
matter how weird she is, you love her 
anyway. And trust me, children usually 
think they are incredibly weird. 

(3) My daughter is leaving for summer 
camp tomorrow. I want her to go out to 
dinner with the family. She wants to 
spend her last night with her friends. My 
response is: 

(a) “You'll have dinner with us, young 
lady, and like it.” 

(b)“1 can't believe, after all your moth- 
er and I have done for you, that you 
don't want to be with us.” 

(c) “Honey, are you sure I can't guilt- 
trip you into being with us?” 

(d) "Who cares what the hell you do?” 

If you answered (a), you're doing a 
perfectly fine parent thing. She'll be mis- 
erable and hate you all through dinner, 
and then be really thrilled to get away 
from you the next day. 

If you answered (b), you're causing 
more trouble than you can imagine. One 
of the most difficult parts of childhood is 
separating from one's parents. By guilt- 
tripping her, she'll not only be afraid of 
leaving you for her own sake, but now 
you've also given her the added burden 
of your unhappiness. She'll feel she is 
destroying you by leaving and will end 
up a bitter and twisted human, either 
running away when she is 16 or living at 
home untl she is 50. 

If you answered (с), you'll be a great 
parent. You not only acknowledge that 
you are in a position to misuse your pow- 
er over your child, you are also showing 
that you have weaknesses and therefore 
are not God. You're making a joke about 
the serious problem of separation and 
becoming your kid's ally instead of her 
enemy. Someday she'll hope to be just 
like you. 

If you answered (d), your kid, with 
every kid's fragile ego, will believe you. 
Is that what you want? 

Some final words: Don't ever use the 
word ladylike. Don't ever say, “Only boys 
can do that.” Don't encourage your son 
to be strong and assertive and your 
daughter to be meck and submissive. 
And whatever you do, do not take your 
child to cocktail parties and force every- 
one to make a great big fuss. 


37 


x 
a 
ES 

5 
2 
š) 
=, 

(eir 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


In a recent Advisor answer, you told а 
woman who is bisexual to tell her hus- 
band about her girlfriend before spring- 
ing a ménage а trois. Some time ago, I 
had something similar happen. I went to 
the local tavern to drown my sorrows af- 
ter my fiancée told me that she had been 
sleeping with women. As I sat there 
drinking, a tall, voluptuous lady sat next 
to me and started talking. I was shocked 
that she was so supportive. Things got 
deep and we decided to continue our 
conversation at her place. Once there, as 
we sat on the couch, I recall accidental- 
ly touching her breasts with my arm. 
That's all it took to set her off. She 
smothered me with kisses and began to 
give, me head. Wow, could she lick and 
suck. We found our way to the bedroom, 
and there, sitting on the bed naked, was 
my fiancée. She said, “Come and get 
me.” Her friend jumped right in. Need- 
less to say, so did 1. Our engagement 
is still on and we experiment a lot. It’s 
fun, but is it healthy?—H. C., Jackson, 
Wyoming. 

As the old calypso song notes: “Let us put 
man and woman together/See which one is 
smarter/Some say тап/Вш I say no/The 
women got the man like a puppet show.” The 
point of our original response was to suggest 
that there's more than meets the eye іп any 
ménage à trois. There is always а conversa- 
tion that one person hasn't heard. You han- 
dled this well. 


How much does a porn movie cost to 
make, and how much profit does it gen- 
erate? Just asking; 1 don't have any in- 
terest in making one except with my 
wife —G. S., New York, New York. 

The adult-video industry works in hours, 
not days or weeks, and production costs typi- 
cally don't rise higher than 812,000. (А 
video that makes 83 5,000 nowadays is a hit; 
by comparison, the 1972 film “Deep Throat” 
has earned more than $100 million.) Of the 
films produced last year by America’s 80 or 
so adult-video companies—which bring in 
an estimated $400 million annually—only a 
handful took more than а day to shoot (we're 
not talking major plot twists here). The top 
female performers might earn up to $5000 
for their work, and possibly another $1200 
to $1500 if their photo appears on the video 
box cover: Male performers make consider- 
ably less, despite the fact that they can't fake 
the finale. 


In the May Advisor, A. K. in Ocala, Flor- 
ida complained that her husband 
wouldn't agree to a ménage à trois with 
two men or act out а rape fantasy. Your 
advice—that she respect his anxieties —is 
an aflront to sexually adventurous wom- 
en. It implies that women should in- 


dulge men’s fantasies, but that men are 
under no obligation to reciprocate. In a 
balanced relationship both people give 
and receive equally to fulfill their needs. 
A man who gets to act out his fantasy and 
then refuses to engage in the woman's 
is selhsh. Also, just to set the record 
straight, a woman's fantasy centered 
around two men has nothing to do with 
enjoying male homosexual behavior. 
She wants the attention of both men fo- 
cused on her. A woman has the right to 
want two mouths and two hard-ons to 
pleasure her as much as a man has the 
right to want four breasts and two 
pussies to pleasure him. Next time, just 
state the facts and don't cater to a psy- 
chologically immature man at the ex- 
pense of a secure woman's right to 
satisfy her sexual desires.—D. Т., Mid- 
dletown, Connecticut. 

You must be a new reader. We would have 
given the same advice if the roles were re- 
versed. We have never insisted that someone 
perform a sexual act that makes him or her 
uncomfortable just to satisfy some notion of 
quid pro quo (e.g., “ТИ scratch your back if 
you put on this French maid outfit”). Our at- 
titude toward adventure is fairly forgiving: 
Try everything. You might like it, and at the 
very least, youll learn from it. But if some- 
one is reluctant, don't serve up a bill far past 
services. Discuss what the act would mean to 
you, maybe edge up to it through shared fan- 
lasies and toys. If the other person isn't in- 
terested in your view, find someone who is. 


White planning а trip through Eu- 
rope, I mentioned a certain hotel to aco- 
worker. He said that it was too much ho- 
tel for my needs, that I wouldn't know 
how to use the staff. Perhaps because 


ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO 


that seemed insulting, I chose not to 
pursue the topic. Any idea what he was 
talking about?—A. K., Chicago, Illinois. 

Americans who are uncomfortable when 
the bellhop takes their luggage to their room 
are at a complete loss in some of Europe and 
Asia’s most-acclaimed hotels. The Old World 
elevates service to a calling. These hotels 
won't let you do anything for yourself, except 
perhaps make love to your companion. At the 
Regent in Hong Kong, for example, the hall 
boy will unpack and hang your clothes on 
arrival, then fold and pack them before de- 
parture. At top hotels in Italy, the breakfast 
staff will pour cereal and milk into the bowl 
for you. Perhaps they assume that the rich 
have other things on their minds. Some 
American hotels have concierges who will 
make exceptional efforts to satisfy a guest's 
needs—such as obtaining Rolling Stones 
tickets, or sending the shuttle from Washing- 
ton to Boston to retrieve a favorite pair of 
shoes. Have you ever used such services? If 
not, your friend may be right. 


Huse the Internet and Telnet frequently. 
1 have had cybersex several times, and 
each time I got very embarrassed. For 
my first adventure, 1 looked for a 
woman who would do anything I asked. 
То my surprise, one appeared. The first 
thing she said was, “So, what would you 
like to do?” A big grin came over my 
face, and we immediately started doing 
the nasty, and 1 mean nasty. After we had 
finished, I asked her questions about 
real-life stuff. She told me that she was 
from North Carolina and that she 
worked for the government. I told her a 
few things about myself and then asked 
her what she looked like. She answered, 
"You'd be disappointed.” I wasn't sure 
what to say or do. The first thing that 
popped into my mind was, Is this а man 
ога woman? I asked her, and she turned 
out to be a guy. I was furious. I immedi- 
ately started fighting with this sicko. But 
this just got me into trouble. After all, 
this was cyber, not real life, so I couldn't 
really say anything. Now I talk to them 
first and find out what gender they are. 
Was I wrong to get angry?—Z. Т, Hous- 
ton, Texas. 

How do you know we're not a woman? We 


just saw a cartoon of a beagle silting at a 


computer keyboard, with the caption: “On 
the Internet, no one knows you're a dog.” 
Cyberspace is filled with guys, some of whom 
gender-bend. (“Boarduatch” magazine esti- 
mates that only one in len players on the In- 
ternet is а woman.) Here are а few observa- 
tions. If a call name is overily sexy (e.g., 
Sindy Luviolick) or if a c-sex partner refers 
to her vagina as а cunt, you're talking to a 
guy. If she gives her cup size, you're talking 
to a guy. If she says she’s 18, you're talking 39 


PLAYBOY 


10 a teenage guy or a postal inspector. If she 
won't switch to phone sex, it’s a guy or a 
married woman. But don't let one bad expe- 
rience stop your c-sex escapades. You can 
learn a lot. We all have sexual scripts, and 
saying them out loud or lo a keyboard is re- 
айу ап eye-opener. Bold lovers who would 
never think of stopping real sex for a mid- 
course correction can stop the momentum of 
a phone call or cybersex session 10 say some- 
thing like, “You always do that. You don’t 
have to be so gentle. Does the phrase ‘Suck 
the chrome off a trailer hitch’ mean anything 
10 you?” Our point: Cybersex is just sexual 
information. The thrill comes from the antic- 
ipation, waiting to see how another person 
reacts to the baldest, nastiest script you can 
come up with. Of course, you don’t need a 
computer to capture that interactive mood. A 
dinner date works fine. Plus you get to see 
with whom you are playing, and if it works, 
you get to go to her place. 


Wy is it that we never see a penis 
in Hollywood films?—L. R., Omaha, 
Nebraska. 

Because we're ош buying popcorn? The 
Motion Picture Association of America says 
its ratings board has no firm guidelines 
about penile projections. It's difficuli to be- 
lieve, however, that a glimpse of an erection 
would garner anything less than NC-17. 
One reason for this, as explained by Melody 
Davis in “The Male Nude in Contemporary 
Photography,” is that a penis has a greater 
risk of being declared obscene in court than a 
vagina or breasts. Apparently, some people 
who haven't owned or shared a penis consid- 
er them unartistic when limp and threaten- 
ing when erect. Craig Hosoda, who watched 
hundreds of movie nude scenes to compile 
“Bare Facts Video Guide,” has a simpler ex- 
planation: “Male actors are chicken to ap- 
pear nude because they're afraid they'll be 
judged on their size.” 


Рог years my friends and I have pa- 
tronized owner-operated neighborhood 
bars. We always tip the bartenders but 
usually don't tip the owner when he or 
she is tending bar alone. I’ve always 
thought it was considered rude to tip the 
owner of a bar or restaurant. What do 
you say?—M. E., Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 

Not lipping the owner is an old code that 
distinguished between host and servant. 
Nowadays, it’s not unusual for a bar owner 
to tend bar himself or herself in order to 
avoid hiring extra staff. If you don't know 
whether it is the oumer who is serving you, 
err on the safe side by tipping. 


П don't want to be a rolling advertis 
ment. How can J remove the dealership 
badge from the deck lid of my new 
car?—T. C., Las Vegas, Nevada. 

Tell the salesperson that you are a profes- 
sional driver and that it will cost the dealer- 
ship $100,000 to carry its logo. Seriously, 
the best way to avoid the practice is to note in. 


40 writing, on your sales contract, that no deal- 


er advertising or badging is to appear on 
your new сат. If you have dealer-logo license- 
plate frames, simply remove them. Most de- 
саб can be lifted by using a hair drier on the 
offending label (this melts the adhesive). 
Then carefully peel it off If you have to re- 
move a plastic or metal badge, get a few feet 
of fishing line and work it back and forth un- 
der the entire badge until it’s free. The plas- 
tic line will cut through the adhesive but 
won't scratch the paint. Remove any residue 
with a rubbing compound. 


Just when I thought I was up to speed 
on VCR technology, I find out that there 
are now models with six heads. The pic- 
ture I get with my four-head VCR is 
good, so I'm wondering, What’s the 
point of adding two more?—W. L., 
Chicago, Illinois. 

When you tape in extended-play mode on 
a standard four-head VCR, you sacrifice a 
certain amount of picture quality to save 
tape. A six-head VCR adds two extra heads 
to the EP function to make extended-play 
recordings indistinguishable from those done 
in standard play. What will the crispness cost 
you? About $50 more than the cost of a four- 
head VCR. Worth it! 


Ham a 22-year-old college guy with an 
incredible sex drive. What else is new? 
My girlfriend can live with sex maybe 
Once every ten days. We are in love, so 
the sex we do have is great. But she is 
relatively inexperienced, whereas my 
background is one of fast times and fast 
women. I hate to seem greedy, but it's 
hard for me to accept minimal sex. Can 
I increase her sex drive, or slow down 
mine a bit?—C. J., Irvine, California. 

You can't do either. All you have to do is 
initiate sex when you want—and when she 
responds, make it interesting. Good sex tends 
to begel desire, not the other way around. 


Wou know those condoms with ridges? 
They promise women fabulous sensa- 
tions, but my girlfriend says they don't 
do much for her. On a whim, we turned 
one inside out, and I have to say, it 
added a little something extra for me. If 
your readers haven't checked this out, 
they should.—J. J., Teaneck, New Jersey. 

We appreciate the suggestion. Just be 
careful when you turn condoms inside out. 
Unroll them, then reroll them before you put 
them оп. Don’t pull them on like socks. That 
increases the risk of breakage. 


W have a healthy sex drive and no trou- 
ble coming, but my come just dribbles 
ош. It doesn't spurt like Гуе seen in 
X-rated videos. Is there anything wrong 
with me? Can 1 do anything about 
this?— R. W., Biloxi, Mississippi. 

There’s nothing wrong with you, accord- 
ing to San Francisco urologist Laurence 
Werboff, who says that many men dribble 
rather than spurt. We've seen quite a few 
‘men in your situation in X-rated movies. Dr. 


Werboff says he’s unaware of any way to 
turn you into a spurter, but San Francisco 
sex therapist Louanne Cole says it couldn't 
hurt to strengthen your pubococcygeus mus- 
cle. It’s the muscle you contract to squeeze 
out those last few drops of urine. To strength- 
en your PC muscle, contract it in sets of ten, 
holding for a count of five, three or four 
times a day. That should add intensity and 
pleasure to your orgasms. 


M fer six years of using condoms once 
or twice a week, my wife and I recently 
had one break on us. Luckily, she didn’t 
get pregnant. But she did get nervous. 
She's in a demanding graduate program 
and doesn't want to get pregnant until 
she graduates two years from now. What 
are the odds that another broken con- 
dom will result in а pregnancy?— 
A. M., Flagstaff, Arizona. 

“Contraceptive Technology,” the bible of 
birth control, cites three studies of condom 
breakage and subsequent pregnancies. Par- 
ticipants used condoms 46,657 times and ex- 
perienced 443 broken rubbers and 19 preg- 
nancies. That's one break for every 105 
rubberized rolls in the hay, and one preg- 
nancy for every 23 broken condoms. You and 
your wife have a much lower breakage rate, 
just once in six years. Assuming that your 
pattern continues, you won't break another 
rubber while your wife is still in school. But 
if you do, based on these three studies, your 
pregnancy risk would be about four per- 
cent—pretty long odds. Use a spermicide for 
additional protection. 


W pian to purchase a CD-ROM drive for 
my computer and have come across all 
kinds of techie lingo that I’m not familiar 
with. Basically, all I care about is getting 
in and out of the discs quickly. Can you 
advise?—B. K., Worth, Illinois. 

So, you're one of those in-and-out guys. 
We'll make it easy for you. Simply compare 
the access time and data transfer rate of in- 
dividual CD-ROM hardware. Measured in 
milliseconds and kilobytes per second, respec- 
tively, these two factors determine how quick- 
ly you can open and close the CD software as 
well as how fast you can explore a disc once 
you're inside. You'll want to go with а low 
access time (195 milliseconds, for example, is 
better than 300) and a high transfer rate 
(300 kilobytes per second or more will do the 
trick). Happy hunting. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing problems, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all 
letters to The Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. The most provocative, pertinent 
queries will be presented in these pages 
each month. 

Я 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Ва, maune, 
av. per cigarette by FIC method 


H she asks you 
what youre drinking, 
clo you really want to sa 
the word “spritzer” 
to this woman? 


@ 


WE HEAT UP WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN. 


H 
4 
£ 
š 


THE PLAYBOY 


PRIVACY FROM WHOM? 


computer chips, secret codes and your government 


You may be intimidated by your 
personal computer now and then. 
But your government is even more 
scared by it, and that has led to a re- 
cent initiative that threatens your 
First Amendment rights. 

The government is nervous be- 
cause the average personal computer, 
equipped with inexpensive software, 
can code communications and data so 
well that even the National Security 
Agency's supercomputers would find 
it difficult or impossible to decode 
them. If this technology, called en- 
cryption, becomes widely used, the 
government worries that wiretap- 
ping, an important law enforcement 
and intelligence 
tool, will record only 
indecipherable 
code. The NSA and 
the FBI are trying to 
limit the public's use 
of encryption. 

The preliminary 
steps have already 
been announced: 
The administration 
called for the entire 
federal government 
to adopt the Clipper 
Chip, a computer 
chip that automati- 
cally encrypts com- 
munications and da- 
ta, for use in all its 
phones and com- 
puters. The catch is, 
the chip has a “back 
door” available to 
all law enforcement 
agencies. 

In its campaign to promote the 
Clipper Chip, the government points 
out that if you, a private citizen, 
choose to put the chip in your phone 
or computer, you have the power to 
keep your information private from 
crooks and industrial spies and any- 
опе else who wants to pry. This pri- 
vacy does not, of course, extend to 


Mike Godwin is on-line counsel for the 
Electronic Frontier Foundation, a group 
devoted to preserving rights in cyberspace. 


By MIKE GODW 


those agencies that have access to the 
back-door keys, which are held “in es- 
crow” by the government. Law en- 
forcement and intelligence agents 
would be barred from seeking those 
escrowed keys without legal autho- 
rization, normally a court order. “And 
you needn't worry about us,” say gov- 
ernment officials. “We're here to pro- 
tect you.” 

But there's a problem with the gov- 
ernment's rosy picture. It's well estab- 
lished in First Amendment law that. 
free speech may require privacy—in- 
cluding privacy from the govern- 
ment. And if a law-abiding citizen 
wants to keep his or her communica- 


tions secret—including from the gov- 
ernment—who is the NSA to say 
otherwise? 

There are many in government 
who would like to ban powerful en- 
cryption altogether. After all, they ar- 
gue, the governments of France, Italy 
and Singapore have taken steps to 
limit the availability of unbreakable 
encryption to private individuals. But 
this country was founded on a sys- 
tem of restrictions on government. A 
system in which the privacy of our 
communications is contingent on the 


FORUM 


КЕНЕГЕ 


good faith of the government flies їп 
the face of what we have been taught 
to believe about the importance of in- 
dividual liberty. 

In a recent debate, NSA general 
counsel Stewart Baker asked me 
where in the Constitution Americans 
can find a right to unbreakable en- 
cryption. “Nowhere,” I said. “But 
there's no constitutional right to use 
the telephone, either. Yet the First 
Amendment clearly protects freedom 
of speech, freedom of association and 
privacy—interests that dont mean 
much if you're not allowed to use the 
telephone, or if you're not allowed to 
keep your communications private.” 

Pro-Clipper Chip 
forces say they need 
the chip to appre- 
hend terrorists and 
drug smugglers. 

As yet, the feds 
haven't provided 
any evidence that 
their nightmare sce- 
narios about unre- 
strained encryption 
are anything other 
than science fiction. 
FBI and NSA off- 
cials have conced- 
cd that the chip 
“will not catch smart. 
criminals." And no 
one has been able to 
name investigations 
that have been hin- 
dered by encryp- 
tion. Unfortunately, 
a lack of evidence 

hasn't stopped the Clinton adminis- 
tration. Neither have reports that 
techies have already found ways to 
disarm the chip in certain computer- 
to-computer exchanges. 

So there may be evidence that en- 
cryption could be a boon to privacy. 
A century of technological develop- 
ment has eroded our ability to keep 
our lives private. Finally, technology 
offers us the opportunity, thanks to 
cheap computing power and ad- 
vances in cryptography, to take some 
privacy back. 


41 


42 


СОМВАТ DUTY 


I was delighted that you 
finally created a true forum on 
gun control rather than one 
that simply supported your ed- 
itorial position (“The Combat 
Zone,” The Playboy Forum, May). 
It was informative to hear what 
the real players in the game 
have to say. And as always when 
there is a balanced debate, the 
liberal platform of more restric- 
tive gun laws rings hollow. I 
think my point is best illustrat- 
ed by your own choice of car- 
toons. The antigun cartoons 
are outright ludicrous, whereas 
the others depict events that 
happen much too often. Ask 
my liberal friends in Los Ange- 
les how they felt after the riots. 

Michael Pinner 
Ventura, California 


Congratulations to Sarah 


lished principle of psychology 
known as Thorndike's Law of 
Effect. Simply put, why do indi- 
viduals commit crimes? Ве- 
cause they know they can get 
away with them. If the average 
robber, rapist or drive-by shoot- 
er knew in advance that it was 
likely that his intended victim 
was armed and would effective- 
ly return fire, the incidence of 
such crimes would plummet. 
Do we need Uzis and assault 
rifles? Probably not. Should we 
license people to carry hand- 
guns only after they have 
shown proficiency? Ofcourse— 
but this is quite different from 
gun registration. Without ques- 
tion, all of the deep-rooted 
causes of violence desperately 
need to be addressed. Howev- 
er, to refuse to address the im- 
mediate cause, that one can 
shoot with little worry of return 


Brady, Franklin Zimring and 
Michael Beard for their contri- 
butions to the May gun-control 
debate. My words would not 
have been so reasoned. The op- 
posing arguments, built from 
ignorant criminology and racist 
innuendos, would insult the 
intelligence of a turnip. But 


Dr. Judith Reisman, a former songwriter for 


Captain Kangaroo, got a grant to hunt for kid- 
porn images in PLAYBOY. Failing at that, she has 
now come up with a new charge, which she de- 
ivered to a crowd of 300 American Family Asso- 
dation of Michigan members: 
“How many of you realize that PLAYBOY is a 
homosexual magazine? PrAYBoy has been a ho- 
mosexual magazine since its inception.” 


fire, erodes individual freedom 
a little bit more. 
Douglas Mould 
Wichita, Kansas 


The logic of the antigunners 
in “The Combat Zone” still 
cludes me. Sarah Brady, I sym- 
pathize with you and your hus- 


their proponents have enough 
pull in this country to keep our 
murder rate the amazement of the de- 
veloped world. Joe Tartaro provided 
the article’s low point when he stated 
that we should find it reassuring that 
“65 to 75 percent of domestic murder 
victims also had criminal records.” This 
makes it OK? 

Linus Niksa 

State College, Pennsylvania 


In the introduction to your May 
gun-control forum, you wonder what 
caused a former subscriber to deter- 
mine that PLAYBOY advocates gun con- 
trol. It could well have been, as you hy- 
pothesized, the antigun mural on your 
Los Angeles building, added to the free 
full-page ad given to Handgun Con- 
trol, Inc. in October 1981. But times 
change: Compare that HCI ad with a 
similar one in the July 1993 issue. The 
number of handgun-related homicides 
in various countries changed during 
the period, going up 175 percent in the 
U.K., 81 percent in Japan and 31 per- 
cent in Canada—three of HCI's most 


popular gun-control nations—while 
falling two percent in the U.S. One oth- 
er Statistic has changed dramatically 
since I was interviewed for May's gun- 
control debate: Criminologist Gary 
Kleck's estimate on protective gun us- 
es, based on recent research data, has 
risen from about 1 million per year to 
more than 2 million. 

Paul Blackman 

Research Coordinator 

National Rifle Association 

Fairfax, Virginia 


Louis L'Amour said that one of the 
great myths of the West was the idea 
that a gang of desperadoes could ride 
into a town and commandeer its re- 
sources with little or no resistance from 
the townsfolk. He pointed ont that 
even a shopkeeper was likely to have 
been a Civil War combat veteran who 
knew the breech from the muzzle of his 
rifle. lt was this, for the most part, that 
kept the “lawless” West from chaos and 
anarchy. This dovetails with an estab- 


band, but gun control is not the 
answer. If the elite government 
bodyguards, who outnumber those 
they are protecting, could not stop 
what happened to Jim Brady, how can 
the police possibly protect law-abiding 
citizens? Michael Beard's theory about 
the “backfiring” of gun-control laws in 
major cities because of lax gun laws in 
surrounding areas suggests that crimi- 
nals will have guns regardless of the 
law and will find more vulnerable уіс- 
tims where gun laws are tough. Re- 
gardless of one's philosophy on gun 
control, the fact remains that 70 per- 
cent of violent crime is committed by 
seven percent of the criminal popula- 
tion. It is much easier to take these 
people off the streets than it would be 
to remove the guns. 

Robert Brenneman 
Muskogee, Oklahoma 


“Limp-wristed liberals who would 
disarm law-abiding citizens,” and 
“bloodthirsty yahoos who would shoot 
Bambi's mother": This is how PLAYBOY 
draws the sides in the gun-control 


debate? While I understand you may 
have intentionally sensationalized the 
terminology, you failed to mention an- 
other side. I, for one, am not a yahoo 
or bloodthirsty. I am simply against 
gun control because I believe in my 
constitutional right to own a firearm. I 
enjoy having this right so that I can 
protect my home and family against 
criminals who would possess firearms 
even if they were illegal. There area lot 
of people like me who are tired of be- 
ing put into the category of fanatic just 
because they own a gun. 

Marc Panter 

San Diego, California 


There are more than 200 million 
guns in this country—thar's more guns 
than there are cars. And only one to 
two percent of them are used in crimes, 
The overwhelming majority of the 60 
million to 65 million gun owners in the 
USS. are responsible citizens. They're 
not the ones to worry about—unless 
you're a criminal. We know that the 
criminal misuse of firearms is only a 
part of the larger problem of criminal 
violence, and there are several ways to 
address the problem. The long-term 
solution must address moral, cultural 
and social issues. The short-term an- 
swer can be effected relatively quickly 
without further fettering and harassing 
legitimate gun owners. Short-term, the 
solution is simply to keep violent crim- 
inals in prison. Until that happens, the 
worst thing we could do would be to 
take the guns out of the hands of law- 
abiding citizens. Finally, the immediate 
response is to assume responsibility for 
our own personal safety by endorsing 
the sentiments of the bumper-sticker 
aphorism FIGHT CRIME- SHOOT BACK. 

Charles Esposito 
Dunwoody, Georgia 


As an officer working the maximum 
security unit at Montana State Prison, 
1 am in daily contact with convicted 
killers. Most used guns to murder their 
victims, but they show remarkable ini- 
tiative in doing without: In September 
1990 an inmate had his head disman- 
tled in the prison yard by two fellow in- 
mates using baseball bats. In 1991 
those two and a dozen others killed five 
more inmates during a riot. They used 
sharpened objects, lamp cords and fire 
extinguishers; guns were not available 
at the time. If you wanted to stop peo- 
ple from hammering nails and out- 


lawed hammers, would people use 
rocks? Maybe, if they had to. More like- 
ly, they'd buy a hammer from a crimi- 
nal who stole one, and hammer all the 
nails they want. One of my own hand- 
guns is a marvelous example of Ameri- 
can craftsmanship. I just treated it to a 
new pair of grips. And it has never co- 
erced me to shoot up a school or rob a 
convenience store. Some people ought 
not to have guns. But testing to see if I 
know how to use mine, making me wait 
for it, making me pay more for it or re- 
stricting how many or what type I can 
have will not prevent guns from get- 
ting into the wrong hands. If that were 
truly the case I'd compromise. It isn't. I 
won't. Leave guns and responsible citi- 
zens alone. 

Tony Robles 

Deer Lodge, Montana 


I have to respond to the silly letter 
from B. Howard (“Reader Response,” 
The Playboy Forum, April). His idea for 
the creation of a gun bureau in which 
all guns and their owners would be 
registered is one of the most frighten- 
ing things 1 have read outside George 


Of the 2400 firefighters 
inthe Los Angeles County 
Fire Department, 11 are 
women. To protect their 
frail sensibilities, the city 
came up with a broad sexu- 
al harassment policy that banned 
sexual material—specifically 
PLAYBoY—from all work locations, 
including dormitories, rest rooms 
and lockers. 


Steven Johnson, a 27-year de- 
partment veteran, decided to 
challenge the ban. No woman 
had ever complained about his 
reading habits, for the simple 
reason that he works in an all- 
male station. With the help of 
Playboy lawyers and the ACLU, 
he went to court. 


Patricia Kaye Vaughan, one of 
the fire department employees 


ONE FOR THE GOOD GUYS 


payeo" 


= reader. She also noted 


Orwell's 1984. Howard seems to be- 
lieve that his idea is a sensible alterna- 
tive to an all-out ban, but doesn't he re- 
alize that his type of registration is 
exactly what's required before a ban 
could be enforced? The reason we 
don't register guns as we do bicycles, as 
he suggests, is that the government is 
not going to kick your door down in 
the middle of the night to confiscate 
your bicycle. The gun-control debate 
long ago ceased to be a debate about 
crime. It has become a struggle for the 
freedom guaranteed under the Second 
Amendment. No one denies that crime 
is a major problem in this country. But 
until we deal with criminals instead of 
attacking the rights of honest citizens, 
no progress will be made. 

Kevin Hugill 

Columbia, Illinois 


We would like to hear your point of 
view. Send questions, information, opinions 
апа quirky stuff to: The Playboy Forum 
Reader Response, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
Fax number: 312 951 2939. E тай: 


forum@playboy.com. 


who drafted the policy, said 
she was worried that 
PLAYBOY might arouse the 


that magazines such as 
Rolling Stone, Vanity Fair and 
the Sports Illustrated swimsuit is- 
sue should not be allowed in the 
workplace. 


"This is not a case of pinups or 
posters on the wall,” said Paul 
Hoffman of the ACLU. “A firefight- 
er has the right to read.” 


On June 9, 1994, U.S. District 
Judge Stephen Wilson struck 
down the ban, saying that the fire 
department had failed to prove 
that “quiet reading and posses- 
sion of PLaveoy contributes to a 
sexually harassing environment.” 


Way to go, guys. 


43 


IA QOMPUTER 


where to find uncensored 


We thought it was time you explored the computer sex phenomenon for yourselves. To help you on 
your way, we culled this list of sexually oriented computer bulletin boards from Joy of Cybersex, Online Ac- 
cess and Eidos, a journal of free expression. Most of these boards have pictures (GIFS), stories and on- 
line chat areas, and all require credit cards. Users must be at least 18 years old and, of course, must have 
а computer with a modem. Call us if you find any рглүвоу images; they're unauthorized. Don't call us 
to find out how to connect. For that, ask a buddy, call your local computer store or buy a book. Enjoy. 


STATE 


Arizona 
Boardwalk Hotel 
Duke's Doghouse 
Rusty's Wild Kat BBS 


Arkansas 
Moonman BBS 
Shadowrun 


California 
Black Pines 
For Adults Only 
Odyssey 


Colorado 
Alternet Lifestyles 
Cat's Dog House 
Nix Pix 

Connecticut 


Adults `R' Us 
Gurps Connection 


Florida 
Adults Only Mansion 
Honey Dripper 
Godfather 


Georgia 
Intimate Visions 


Illinois 
Archimedes' Screw 
Intimate Mansion 


Indiana 
Adult BBS 
Digicom BBS 


lowa 
Heat in the Night 


MODEM NUMBER STATE MODEM NUMBER 
Kansas 
602-955-9338 3-Times-7 913-599-6206 
602-458-8206 Cosmix Station 913-422-7345 
602-936-3892 
Maryland 
Crow's Nest BBS 301-843-5247 
501-562-7399 Martin’s Domain 301-369-4657 
501-932-4712 Final Frontier 410-674-0307 
Av Massachusetts 
A Auto Exec 508-833-0508 
916-962-3964 Channel One 617-354-5776 
818-358-6968 Shangrila 413-527-7360 
Missouri 
303-935-7283 Ber 683-2 
303-341-5933 Laura's Lair 417-683-5534 
303-375-1263 Nevada 
Nighthawk 702-644-1537 
203-583-0715 
New York 
ЕНЕ ЫНЧА Dirty Hacker 914-794-5308 
Paradise Network 718-241-9007 
305-504-4596 Taste BBS 718-252-4531 
305-220-0360 Ohio 
813-289-3314 
2 513-752-8248 
Swingles 216-749-1020 
404-244-7059 
Oregon 
Club Portland 503-238-5943 
312-761-4480 Lost in the Ozone 503-461-4634 
"708-934-3045 T&E Verbal Abuse Network 503-386-2903 
Pennsylvania 
317-784-6975 Forum 215-722-1482 
812-479-1310 
Tennessee 


515-386-6227 


Cheyenne Social Club 
Third Eye 


615-361-5956 
615-227-6155 


ЖЕКШЕ 


WMATIN Ganaa 


sex talk in cyberspace 


STATE MODEM NUMBER STATE MODEM NUMBER 
Texas Washington 
After Hours 713-937-0504 Bangkok Express 206-838-7908 
Necronomicon 210-675-4787 ч 
X-Factor 210-648-3874 Wisconsin 
Phantom Tollbooth 414-377-8462 
Virginia 
Pleasure Dome 804-490-5878 


Wade's World 703-694-5460 


46 


“Brother, you can't go lo jail for what 
you're thinking.” FRANK LOESSER IN 
Standing on the Corner, 1956 


I have a goofy job. Part of it is to 
make it look like I'm killing my part- 
ner, Teller, while also making sure he's 
safe. Teller is in a tank of water—help- 
less, drowning, banging against the 
Plexiglas, struggling for a gasp of air, 
flailing, dying—and the crowd is dying 
laughing. This is a wonderful thing. 
It's a trick. Intellectually, the audience 
knows that Teller is OK. (If we actually 
snuffed people, the punters would 
know it before they called for tickets, 
and we would be a lot more famous.) 
But it really looks like Teller cant 
breathe. 

In our little ant brains, we all know 
that art is fake, but viscerally we em- 
pathize and it makes us want to 
scream. And laugh. It’s the kind of 
scream you scream when your intellect 
and your viscera hit head-on at 100 
miles per hour. You know you're alive. 
In other words, art can say, “Ha, Mr. 
Death—you didn't get to kill the little 
creep in the water tank. It looked that 
way, but we cheated you, you black- 
sack-wearing scythe-toting mother- 
fucker. Fuck you, Death." 

But here's the point: After you get 
the excitement from a piece of phony 
violence or death, you don't go out and 
try to re-create it in the real world. You 
weren't celebrating the horror, you 
were celebrating the fake horror, and 
there's a big difference. A vast number 
of people see art that includes the rep- 
resentation of violence, yet only a small 
percentage of people actually hurt oth- 
er people. Folks don't get off roller 
coasters, get into their cars and try to 
relive the ride by driving like lunatics. 
Some people drive badly, no doubt 
about it, but we can't blame roller 
coasters for that. 

Same thing for rape. Some men and 
women fantasize about being raped, 
but how many of them go out and do 
it? Sure, you might occasionally want a 
fellow sex freak to tie you up to get the 
endorphins rocking—to have the shit 
scared and/or fucked out of you—but 
there’s nothing good about the real 


thing, How can we force people to be 
responsible for their fantasies? Do рео- 
ple who think about being raped de- 
serve to be raped? Of course not. Do 
people who pretend to be rapists de- 
serve to be punished? No. 

Our government paid good money 
for the Meese Commission to investi- 
gate pornography and see if the repre- 


an open letter to the attorney general from 


with our taxes.) It has lots of dirty 
words in it, descriptions of filthy stuff — 
and a great filmography. And you can 
get it without being 18. Now, how nut- 
ty is that? These Meese guys and gals 
watched more junk porno and violence 
than all of my dirtbag friends put to- 
gether (well, maybe not all of my dirt- 
bag friends, but most of them), and not 


sentation of sex and violence in art 
makes people dangerous. They were 
predisposed to find evil, they threw 
away thousands of dollars on bad sci- 
ence, they wrote a report that was 1960 
pages long and they proved nothing— 
except that some films really suck. 

Tm the only human being 1 know 
who read the entire Meese Commis- 
sion report. (The government sold it 
dirt cheap; we had already paid for it 


one of them got busted for rape or 
murder. (They had other problems 
with the law, of course, but not the kind 
they all seemed to find in Debbie Duz 
Dishes.) 

As Tony Fitzpatrick, serious artist 
and more serious gorehound, said: 
“The family that watches gory videos 
together sure ain't out killing people.” 
Does anyone really think that drive-by 
shooters are home watching television 


america’s foremost illusionist Ву PENN JILLETTE 


during “family hour"? Feminists say 
that women aren't portrayed accurate- 
ly in porno. What the hell are they 
thinking? Of course they're not. That's 
why it's called a goddamn movie and 
not life! Get it? Robert De Niro was not 
playing a typical taxi driver in Taxi 
Driver, nor did he really kill Harvey 
Keitel. Lucy and Roseanne aren't really 


time to come. It's not unique for a reli- 
gion to bust the sheep for what's going 
on in their heads, but when evil think- 
ing about evil thoughts bleeds into le- 
gal action, well, we got trouble, my 
friends—right here in River City. With 
a capital T and that rhymes with Re 
and that stands for Reno. 

‘Thought, word and deed are three 


housewives, Alan Alda isn't а medic 
and Homer Simpson doesn't really 
work at 2 nuclear plant. (Homer Simp- 
son is just an actor—everyone knows 
that.) Even five-year-olds who know 
Tm a magician talk with me about the 
special effects in 72. But the great part 
is, they still get scared. That's how we 
know it's good. 

А mind-set has rooted in our culture 
that is sure to fuck us up for some 


different things. Sin and felony are two 
different things. Thought, word, deed, 
sin and felony are five different things. 
‘And, Ms. Reno: Your fat ass, third base, 
a hole in the ground, shit, shinola and 
whatever time it is might be six differ- 
ent things—but you'll never know it. 
It's a shame that the word voodoo 
was put in front of the word economics 
and then used to describe Republican 
Party politics. It's a shame because 


what the guilt-ridden, antifantasy liber- 
als now in power are preaching is liter- 
ally voodoo. After all, what is voodoo? 
118 changing the map to change the 
territory. If you take the little doll with 
the real hair and stick pins in it, the re- 
al person will feel pain. Well, that's 
what the antifantasy, antiviolence nuts 
are trying to do. They think if they take 
violence off TV. it'll disappear in the re- 
al world. Hell, if that’s the case, why 
build roads? Let's just draw freeways 
оп all our maps and wait for the real 
roads to appear. Or why teach kids to 
read? Let's just show kid actors pre- 
tending to read оп ТУ. Lets have the 
goddamn Reading Channel! It’s one 
thing when a goofball like the Rev- 
erend Donald Wildmon talks about 
boycotting shows he doesn't like. That's 
great. If enough people don't like 
shows, they deserve to go off the air, 
and that's the way the game should be 
played. But Janet Reno is hinting kind 
ОҒ strongly that if she doesn't like 
shows, then the government is going to 
do something about it. Excuse me? 
And what makes it worse is that she’s 
the motherfucking attorney general, 
It’s her job to help keep us safe, and all 
she can think of is muzzling artists. 

Of course, the wack thing is that 
Janet Reno doesn't watch TV, and nei- 
ther do I. Neither one of us knows 
what the fuck we're talking about. We 
both think TV sucks. We can agree on 
that. The difference is, I think if I can 
turn it off, so can everyone else. But 
Reno thinks that her family was the on- 
ly family smart enough not to watch 
TV. She thinks her mom was the only 
опе who knew what the ON-OFF knob 
was for. And what she wants to put on 
TV is more news footage of real vio- 
lence, like burning babies near Waco. 
As Bobcat Goldthwait pointed out, 
doesn't she think some kids saw that? 

OK, while we're still allowed, let's 
fantasize. How about Janet Reno tied 
up with barbed wire, gagged with Bril- 
lo, being forced to watch the unre- 
leased, uncut Texas Chainsaw Massacre 
Part 3. Repeatedly. 

And just to really fuck her up—we 
won't really do i 


47 


N E W 


SFR 


OF ыру ТЕ 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


THE FAX OF GOD 


THE VATICAN—Pope John. Paul II used 
to be an unpublished fax number away, 
until a group of Dutch homosexuals pub- 


т ў 


ссе" 


lished it in а gay magazine called “Trash.” 
А papal representative said the number 
had to be changed to stem the flood of 
wrathful messages expressing displeasure 
with Vatican poltcy. 


-HEAR YE, HEAR YE — 


seattLe—Washingion’s supreme court 
unanimously ruled that the state's erotic- 
music law, which prohibits the sale, distri- 
bution or exhibition of sexy songs to mi- 
nors, is unconstitutional. In 1992 music 
was appended to a preexisting law which 
held that other materials designated as 
erotic had to be sold їп an adults-only area. 
The court held that the erotic-music law vi- 
olates free speech and due process and said 
it would not tolerate a law that put a chill 
on constitutionally protected speech. 


BLUFF CALLED 


PHOENIX—A jury was unimpressed 
with the 32-year-old male defendant's wig, 
skirt and stockings. And it didn’t buy his 
multiple-personality defense that one of his 
other entities—not the transvestite before 
it—was responsible for a string of rapes 
and other offenses. Now that he is convict- 
ed and faces 83 years in prison, the ac- 
cused has fmally admitied he made the 


whole thing up. “Рт a manipulator and a 
lias; and I guess I'm good at it,” he said. 
Not good enough, evidently, 


FREE SPEECH? 


WASHINGTON, D.C—Maryland will de- 
cide if taking free newspapers by the bun- 
dle is censorship or another form of free 
speech. According to the Student Press 
Law Center, the number of complaints 
about the bulk removal of student papers 
quadrupled between 1990 and 1993. Be- 
cause many alternative papers are free, it 
is difficult to press theft charges against 
those who oppose their editorial content 
and seize them by the stack as an act of 
protest. The Maryland legislature is ех- 
pected to codify the practice as censorship 
and make it a misdemeanor subject to a 
$500 fine or up to 60 days in jail. 


TRUTH BETOLD — 


SAN DIEGO—A judge has ordered an 
anti-abortion center to stop masquerading 
as an abortion clinic. The superior court's 
decision bars the Center for Unplanned 
Pregnancy from listing itself in the Yellow 
Pages as a “clinic” or “abortion service 
provider,” prohibits it from offering preg- 
nancy tests of any kind and requires it to 
inform callers that the only counseling it 
offers is “from a biblical, anti-abortion 
perspective.” 


FRONTIER INJUSTICE 


KALISPELL, MONTANA—Library aide 
Debbie Denzer loaned a couple of her oum 
books to two seventh-grade girls who were 
doing a report on witchcraft. One of the 
girl's parents complained that the books 
were inappropriate because they were too 
graphic, discussed sexual matters and in- 
cluded nude drawings. The school super- 
intendent agreed and Denzer was fired. 
The 40-year-old aide admitted that she 
hadn't used the books since her college days 
and had chosen them based on index en- 
tries. The parents said the girls were very 
upset—not by the books but by the woman's 
firing. They ended up writing papers 
about bison. 


DEAD-EVE DICK 


CINCINNATI—Under the misapprehen- 
sion that her husband was having an af- 


fair, a 58-year-old woman fired a 25 cal- 
iber pistol at his penis, striking and 
wounding it. Noting that the timing of the 
crime coincided with the newspaper and 
TV а е of the Lorena Bobbitt trial, 
the judge ruled that she'd been unduly 
influenced. Her husband's anatomy is in 
recovery. 


WET AND WILD ON WHEELS 


LOS ANGELES—The city has ordered an 
adult nightclub to remove a shower enclo- 
sure in which nude dancers prance for 
customers. Their reasoning: The shower 
lacks handicapped access and prevents 
dancers in wheelchairs from performing 
for customers, No disabled dancers had 


‘applied and no complaints against the club 
were on record. 


CONTEMPT OF CUT 


CHICAGO—Tàlk about a bad hair day. 
The First District Appellate Court reversed 
a 1992 contempt-of-court conviction in- 
volving a variation on a popular urban 
hairstyle. At issue was the well-known 
phrase “fuck u” carved into a young man's 
hair the night before his court appearance. 
The judge was not amused, though the de- 


fendant’s attorney protested that it had 
been a prank played on—not by—the boy. 
The appellate court found that the boy had 
not been given the opportunity to “correct 
his conduct” and remove the offending let- 
ters, so the conviction was invalid. 


“Mr. Jenkins enlightened the patrons by demonstrating 
that a trick shot is more successfully executed when one sips 
Tanqueray martinis as opposed to pounding kamikazes.” 


“Of course, Mr. Jenkins never 
guaranteed the young patrons 
they'd be as successful with a 

trick shot as Mr. Jenkins is.” 


How refreshingly distinctive. 


Reporter's Notebook 


THREE STRIKES AND WE’RE BROKE 


Why is everyone so squeamish about 
Killing criminals? The death penalty for 
habitual offenders is preferable to the 
“three strikes and you're out” fad that is 
now federal policy and is about to be- 
come the law in almost every state. 

The $28 billion crime bill that Con- 
gress recently passed mandates new and 
longer sentences, but that is just another 
way of coddling criminals by supporting 
them into old age, when they are no 
longer much ofa threat to anyone. Ifthe 
idea is to prevent these criminals from 
ever getting out or to exact harsh retri- 
bution, then the gas chamber will do the 
job nicely The alternative—keeping 
them in jail until they croak naturally— 
will, like so many other well-intentioned 
social programs, surely bankrupt us. 

The three-strikes policy guarantees 
the criminal class something many law- 
abiding citizens don’t have—the assur- 
ance of a secure and warm place to live, 
three meals а day, leisure time, daily ех- 
ercise and full medical coverage into the 
last hours of their lives. 

Take the case of S.M. Cohen, reported 
recently in the Los Angeles Times. One of 
an ever-larger group of geriatric in- 
mates, Cohen, 67, who has both cancer 
and diabetes, costs California taxpayers 
more than $125,000 in annual medical 
costs alone, That's in a good year. Last 
year Cohen needed a heart bypass, 
which added another $76,000. 

Everyone knows that the big costs in 
medical care come at the end of a per- 
son's life, and prisoners are no ехсер- 
tion. It is morally perverse as well as 
fiscally irresponsible to keep them alive 
when we are determined never to set 
them free. But when it comes to crime, 
we are completely irrational. We are 
convinced that crime is rising rapidly 
when the statistics indicate otherwise, 
We go through each day expecting to be 
murdered even though murder victims 
make up one one-thousandth of a per- 
cent of the population. Talk radio nuts 
and politicians persuade us to spend 
huge sums on crime-fighting programs 
that sound tough but don’t work. 

The three-strikes policy is counterpro- 
ductive. Most crimes are committed by 
young people. Indeed, after a century of 
experimenting with ways to rehabilitate 
criminals—from isolation cells to conju- 


the new crime bill 
spells disaster 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


gal visits the evidence is overwhelming 
that getting older is the only thing that 
really works. Bureau of Justice statistics 
show that whereas 22 percent of prison- 
ers aged 18 to 24 are back in prison with- 
ina year of their release, less than 2 per- 
cent of those over 55 return. 

Jonathan Turley, a law professor at 
George Washington University, is a lead- 
ing expert on older prisoners. As he told 
the Los Angeles Times, "Politicians are 
now running the prison system by sound 
bite. The truth of the matter is, by the 
time we interview inmates who are in 
their 60s, 70s and 80s, most of them are 
statistically less dangerous than the law 
students I drive to the prison with.” 

The lesson is clear: Be firmer in pun- 
ishing younger offenders and don't clog 
up the prisons with older ones. A three- 
strikes law will have the reverse effect 
and cause the older prison population to 
mushroom, meaning that younger, more 
aggressive prisoners will be given short- 
er sentences. 

That's the evidence from Texas, which 
already has a three-strikes policy and 
lots of long mandatory-sentence require- 
ments. Texas politicians sound as if 
they're being tough on crime, but the 
opposite is true. Thanks to overcrowded 
prisons, Texas inmates serve only 11 
percent of their sentences as compared 
with prisoners in California, who serve 
50 percent of their allotted time. That 
figure will go down for California this 
year because the state also passed a 
three-strikes law and, like Texas, is un- 
willing to come up with the money for 
enough new jails to house the additional 
prisoners. The nonpartisan Office of 
Legislative Services in New Jersey ana- 
lyzed the impact of three-strikes laws 
and concluded that “for every inmate 
who is not paroled as a result of this bill, 
an additional $80,000 in construction 
costs and $1 million in operating costs 
would be incurred over the lifetime of 
that inmate.” 

For political reasons, the new federal 
crime bill spreads the money evenly 
around the country rather than target- 
ing it to crime-ridden areas. But money 
isn't the answer; ending the crazy war 
against drugs is. Every serious study of 
crime in this country points to drug 
profits as the main cause of criminal be- 


havior. The so-called war on drugs has 
done nothing to curb the use of drugs 
and everything to raise their price and 
provide work for criminals. 

The big lie in all this is that we have 
been soft on crime by giving criminals 
slap-on-the-wrist sentences or not send- 
ing them to jail at all. Garbage. We have 
the largest per capita jail population in 
the world, with almost 1 million people 
behind bars. We have been tough on 
crime for 15 years and it hasn't calmed 
anyone's fears. During the Eighties, the 
prison population increased 168 per- 
cent, a huge prison-building program 
was undertaken and long mandatory 
sentences became the rage for hundreds 
of crimes. Still we have the highest crime 
rate in the world. 

The fallacy lies in the assumption that 
there is a given number of criminals, and 
if you just lock them up, crime will go 
down. However, the gap between the 
poverty of ghettos and the riches afford- 
ed by the drug trade is such that there is 
no shortage of new candidates willing to 
take the place of those drug dealers sent 
off to prison. Although 60 percent of 
federal inmates are in jail for drug-relat- 
ed crimes, there has been no noticeable 
decline in drug dealing. 

The result of the crackdown on drugs 
has been carnage in the ghetto. African 
Americans are the main victims of crime, 
being three times more likely to be 
robbed than white people and seven 
times more likely to be murdered. As 
The Economist points out, “The average 
American murder victim is а 12-to-15- 
year-old black boy.” 

Clearly, the death penalty is alive and 
wellin the streets without any of the nag- 
ging limitations placed by the courts 
on official executions. Yet thousands of 
fresh recruits show up for the drug trade 
because it’s the only profitable game on 
their side of town. That's the equation 
that must be changed, not the amount of 
time these hapless souls serve in prison. 

If we're not ready for the enlightened 
drug policies of the Netherlands and 
Germany, let's give up the pretense of 
civilized society and uy an across-the- 
board death penalty—or at least caning. 


49 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


uno Í DAVID GEFFEN 


а candid conversation with the billionaire showbiz mogul about real power, 
false gossip, dating cher and how he became the most powerful gay man in america 


His office on Sunset Boulevard in West 
Hollywood is tastefully furnished with white 
couches, a vase filled with tulips and, appro- 
priately, many telephones. Using one, David 
Geffen tells а secretary to hold his calls, “ex- 
сері,” he says, “anybody calling back about 
tomorrow night. 

During the next three hours, he hears from 
а number of the most powerful people in the 
entertainment industry: Michael Ovilz, Lew 
Wasserman, Steven Spielberg, Barry Diller, 
Jeffrey Katzenberg, Ted Field, Мо Ostin. 

After talking business or chatting about 
families, Geffen informs each caller of а 
meeting the following night. “The president 
will be passing through,” he says. “He would 
like to get together with a small group of us.” 

105 no surprise that Geffen is Bill Clin- 
tons point man for the evening. In the past 
three decades, Geffen has become one of the 
entertainment world’s most influential—and 
wealthiest—men, a Hollywood business ge- 
nius who has created and run two highly 
profitable record companies, has made a se- 
ries of successful films and has hacked а host 
of hit Broadway plays. He is also a political 
heavyweight and perhaps the most powerful 
openly gay man in America. 

Geffen has never wrilten a song or a 
screenplay, but he has an unerring ability to 
spot talent in others, and he helps them use 


their talents to the fullest. Few agents have 
Jorged creative partnerships the way Geffen 
has, and fewer still have moved from agent 
to mogul with such ease. 

As a movie producer, Geffen is behind such 
films as “Risky Business,” “Beetlejuice,” 
“The Last Boy Scout,” “Defending Your 
Life,” “After Hours,” “Lost in America,” 
“Little Shop of Horrors” and “Personal 
Best.” The plays he has helped produce in- 
clude “Cats,” “Dreamgirls,” “Miss Saigon” 
and “М. Butterfly,” which was also made in- 
to a Geffen film. 

But Geffen's influence has been most felt 
in the music business. In 1970 he formed 
Asylum Records, which quickly became one 
of the most successful record labels in the in- 
dustry. The California rock sound of that era 
featured such Asylum artists as Linda Ron- 
stadt, Jackson Browne, J.D. Souther and the 
Eagles (the top-selling band for several 
years). Geffen now runs Geffen Records, 
which has turned out to be even more suc- 
cessful. With an artist roster that includes 
Guns n? Roses, Nirvana, Den Henley, Peter 
Gabriel and Aerosmith, Geffen Records had 
sales last year of $400 million. 

At the age of 18, Geffen worked as an ush- 
er at CBS Studios. He landed a job in the 
mailroom at the William Morris Agency two 
years later, earning $55 a week. Within five 


1 get letters from people іп Anne Rice's fan 
clubs who are unhappy about Cruise playing 
Lestat. They wanted Julian Sands. But the 
director casts the movie, not the fans. 1 don't. 
give a shit that some people don't like it.” 


*I went from making $55 a week in the 
mailroom to making $2 million in just five 
years. It was a quick ride. It gave me what 
people refer to as ‘fuck you’ money, 1 could 
genuinely be fearless about the future.” 


years he was an agent making $2 million. 

From initial clients such as the Association 
and Joni Mitchell, he came to represent 
many of the stars who would define a gener- 
ation of music: Crosby, Stills, Nash & 
Young, Janis Joplin, James Taylor, Bob Dy- 
бап. But Geffen was more than an agent and 
manager—he became a driving force in his 
оит right within the music world. Joni 
Mitchell based her song “Free Man in Paris” 
on Geffen and his life. 

In 1990 he sold his company to MCA, the 
entertainment conglomerate that owns Uni- 
versal Pictures. His take was 10 million 
shares of MCA stock. When MCA was ac- 
quired by Matsushita, Geffen’s stock was 
suddenly worth more than $700 million. The 
year he cashed it in, he reportedly paid more 
taxes than any other American. Не still 
serves as his company’s chairman and earns 
a salary of $600,000 a year, which he do- 
nates 10 his foundation, а charitable organi- 
zation that gives away millions annually. 

As his bank accounts grew (he is now re- 
portedly worth more than 81.2 billion), Gef- 
fen was nearly as visible as the stars he 
backed. He had a torrid romance with 
Cher—which began while she was still doing 
“The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour” —and 
he later dated Marlo Thomas. By 1980, 
however, he had come to terms with his 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO 
“Right now, I'm completely gay. But Га be 
lying if I said that it’s inconceivable to me 
that I might meet a woman and fall in love. 
I'm not looking to and 1 don't hope that I 
will, but I might. Because that’s real life.” 


51 


PLAYBOY 


homosexuality, and by 1992 he had become 
one of the most important forces in the gay 
rights movement. At an AIDS Project benefit 
in Las Angeles, he and Barbra Streisand were 
honored for their contributions. “The Advo- 
cale," the nation's leading gay publication, 
named him Man of the Year. When President 
Clinton was forming a policy regarding gays 
in the military, Geffen was a strong voice 
against a ban. He lobbied Washington and 
took out full-page ads in newspapers. 

Geffen is known to be a tough but gener- 
ous boss. A loyal secretary retired and report- 
edly received a check for $5 million. Geffen 
treats himself well, too. He purchased, for 
$47.5 million, the Beverly Hills Georgian 
mansion that once belonged to Jack Warner 
of Warner Bros. He flies around the world in 
а $20 million Gulfstream IV jet that is 
decked out like a hotel suite, and he owns a 
beach house in Malibu and an apartment in 
New York. He also has a museum-worthy 
collection of paintings by such artists as 
David Hockney, Willem de Kooning, Jasper 
Johns, Jackson Pollock, Roy Lichtenstein 
‘and Andy Warhol. 

In a city known for its rich and powerful 
people, Geffen is about the richest and most 
powerful person in town. Contributing Edi- 
tor David Shefi, who last interviewed the 
Who's Pete Townshend, met with Geffen. He 
reports: 

“There was a lot going on around Geffen 
when we met up at Geffen Records in Holly- 
wood. His label had just launched the latest 
Guns п’ Roses LP. and there was a contro- 
versy because the album included a song 
written by Charles Manson. More Geffen 
records were coming from such heavyweights 
as Nirvana, the reunited Eagles and Peter 
Gabriel. His movie company, meanwhile, 
had announced ‘Beavis & Buti-head' and 
‘Barney’ movies. It had begun ‘Interview 
With the Vampire,’ directed by Neil Jordan. 
Fans of Anne Rice's novels were protesting 
the choice of Tom Cruise to play the main 
character, the vampire Lestat. And the death 
of River Phoenix had caused a last-minute 
cast change, with Christian Slater taking 
over Phoenix’ role as the interviewer. There 
was also disarray because of a renovation in 
progress, and movers were attempting to 
force a large desk around a tight stairway 
corner. 

“Nonetheless, Geffen was affable and re- 
laxed. In his blue shirt, khaki pants and 
sneakers, he comes across as youthful and 
mischievous. A reporter once described him 
‘in cap and T-shirt, padding around his 
mansion like some mid-life version of Kevin 
in “Home Alone.” 

“Despite his laid-back demeanor, I found 
Geffen lo be candid, direct and fearless. Of 
course, anyone who makes $700 million in 
one business deal cannot be easily intimidat- 
ed, even by the toughest questions.” 


PLAYBOY: Is it true that one must be ex- 
tremely tough, even ruthless, to make it 
in Hollywood? 

GEFFEN: People who are fools don’t get 


52 to be successful, and they don't get to 


be successful if they are worried about 
their popularity. 

PLAYBOY: A Hollywood executive said 
that you will do anything for your 
friends but, as he put it, “If you are 
his enemy you might as well kill your- 
self.” True? 

GEFFEN: If you're successful, people talk 
about you. There’s nothing you can do 
about it. People make up stories. At the 
end of Liberty Valance, it says something 
like, “When the legend is bigger than the 
man, print the legend.” The bullshit is 
more interesting than the truth. 
PLAYBOY: But do you go after people? 
The executive who said that claims he 
lost his job because of you. 

GEFFEN: I had nothing to do with his los- 
ing his job. The fact is I got him that job. 
PLAYBOY: The implication is that you get 
revenge. 

GEFFEN: My mother used to tell me when 
1 was a kid, “You never have to get ге- 
venge. All you have to do is live long 
enough.” 

PLAYBOY: So is show business just anoth- 
er business? 

GEFFEN: It’s more interesting—to me. 


“The gossip columnisis 
print lies, misinformation, 
innuendos, untruths 
and half-truths that 
are irresponsible and 
meanspirited.” 


But somebody clsc might think it’s just 
another business. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't there more of a micro- 
scope on show business than on others? 
GEFFEN: There has always been a 
tremendous obsession with television 
and movie stars, and with the people in- 
volved with the business. 

PLAYBOY: Is that attention a burden? 
GEFFEN: I don't view it as good or bad. To 
complain about it would be silly. 
PLAYBOY: How accurate is media cover- 
age of Hollywood? 

GEFFEN: The reporters who cover this 
business for the big papers and maga- 
zines are often inaccurate. The gossip 
columnists print lies, misinformation, in- 
nuendos, untruths and half-truths that 
are irresponsible and meanspirited. 
PLAYBOY: Recently it was reported that 
you tried to stop the publication of Obses- 
sion, the tell-all biography of your friend 
Calvin Klein, by offering the publisher 
$5 million. Is that accurate? 

GEFFEN: They said I did it because I am 
such a loyal friend. Well, I'm not that 
good a friend. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: So it's untrue? 


GEFFEN: It's such a hilarious charge. 1 
wouldn't offer $5 million to stop a book 
about me! It's absurd. People will do any- 
thing for attention. 

PLAYBOY: Who exactly? 

GEFFEN: The writer, Steven Gaines, 
spread that rumor to get publicity for 
the book, which is an utter and complete 
piece of shit. The fact that anyone would 
take it seriously is astounding to me. I 
was accused by this jerk of getting Put- 
nam not to publish the book. Well, Put- 
nam likely dropped the book because 
a high-class publisher would not want 
to market this kind of crap. For the 
record, however, I have never met or 
spoken to the publisher and I have nev- 
сг made any effort to influence her one 
way or another—and could not have if 
I had tried. 

PLAYBOY: The press also had a field day 
with your latest movie, Interview With the 
Vampire. What drew you to this project? 
GEFFEN: I loved the book, and I thought 
a wonderful movie could be made from 
t I got Neil Jordan, director of The Cry- 
ing Game, to write a script, which is ab- 
solutely extraordinary. I'm very excited 
about this one. 

PLAYBOY: Do you agree that Tom Cruise 
is an odd choice to play the vampire 
Lestat? 

GEFFEN: It’s a different kind of character 
than he’s chosen to play in the past, but 
he's an extraordinary actor and is capa- 
ble of playing all kinds of parts. And I 
don’t give a shit that some people don't 
like the idea. 

PLAYBOY: The people who are most upset 
are the diehard fans of the Lestat 
books—and Anne Rice. 

GEFFEN: 1 get all these letters from peo- 
ple in Anne Rice's fan clubs who are un- 
happy about Cruise playing Lestat. They 
wanted Julian Sands. But the director 
casts the movie, not the fans. 

PLAYBOY: Rice wanted Sands, too. Do you 
feel bad that the creator of a work is un- 
happy with what you are doing? 

GEFFEN: | don't feel bad about it at all. 
People were outraged when Vivien 
Leigh was cast in the role of Scarlett 
O'Hara. Today it is unthinkable that 
anybody else could have played it. The 
fact that someone writes a good book 
doesn’t mean their ideas for the movie 
are good. Margaret Mitchell had noth- 
ing to do with the movie version of Gone 
With the Wind, or Hemingway with that 
of For Whom the Bell Tolls. They sold the 
rights. That's the way it works. And all 
the worry about Tom in this part will dis- 
appear when people see the movie. He is 
astounding. I guess all the criticism in- 
spired him to do his best work. 

PLAYBOY: When you hired David Cro- 
nenberg to direct M. Butterfly, you said 
you would leave him alone until the film 
was completed — 

GEFFEN: And 1 did. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't that risky? 

GEFFEN: Very However, I’m a great 


Y! 


/» 


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PLAYBOY 


54 


лон minoxidil 2% 
Тһе only product ever 
proven to regrow hair. 


What is ROGAINE? 
ROGAINE Topical Solution a pescipten mene for use on the stalp hat s usad tr treat a type di hair loss in men and women known as androgenetic 
Әсе har losset te ssip werte op or covna ha n mer and stor es og lie ока оре e scap woren КАМЕ в a 
opi tam nt monti, for use on he scalp. 


How effective is ROGAINE? 
Inman Gunel ues wi POGARE ol ove 7 30 mer vith a patos valva teto vetes tte head ware cndutdby ins JUS 
moda cartes Ks paten estos teerd ol a monts, ioe polente sr GARE fad misa p derse ay NOU 
Darel wi TI авы roce edet organ wos pote ty Т ol bose ung FUCRNE a le tp 
Cebo. Bythe end ef 1 year, 48% of those who continued to ise ОБАМЕ rated then hair growth as mederate orbetter. 

In womer: A dirical study d women with hair loss was conducted by doctors in 11 US medical centers. Basedon patients’ sell-ratings of regrowth after 
32 weeks, 59% of the worren using ROGAINE rated their ha regrowth as moderate (19%) or minrmál (40%). For comparison, 40% of the warren | pets 
{ro active ingeent) ated tha regrow as moderate T']or miel (3094) No growth was reported by 41% cf thagroup usng ОБАМЕ and 60% cf 
the group using placeto. 
How son can expect sus n using ROGAINE? 
Sites don fue open DO May ai qua) tnx pr ance: Sane pene ig CANE reir Punt 
ate nayrsperdwdh а owe rael rey Vo shal ok pve wh es tan rons 
How long d need use ROGAINE? 
ROGAINE isa hair 109s treatment, net aca. you ene ген har growth you wil reed to oontrue using ROGAINE o keep or increase ha regrowth. I youdo 
ШЫП Sons НОЕ паров ka rons dto rain toros rg 


What happens ill stp using ROGAINE? Will keep the new hair? 
Probably not. People have repored that rew ай growth was shed after they stopped using ROGAINE. 
How much ROGAINE should! use? 
Талдай аруа 1ч dose of ROGAINE tice day to your cean dry scalp once he moring and oce a! richt before bedtime Wath your hands aheruse 
iyo ners sed to apt ROGAINE. ROGAINE rust oman on the seale for at est 4hours Lo ensure prea tothe scalp Donat wes you hai for 
at least 4hours afer applyng it If you wash your bar before applying ROGAINE, be sure you scalp ard he are dry when you apply it Pease referto the 
Instuctins br Usein the package. 
Wiatil miss а dose or orget o use ROGAINE? 
Do ret tryto make up tormissad applicabons ol ROGAINE You stouldrestat your twice-daily doses and returto your usual ебе. 
What are the mest common side eficcts reported: studies with ROGAINE? 
Aching ard oher stn tatione ol tests al area were е mast common side eset red toROGAINEin crcl studies About Tc every 100 
people who used ROGAINE (7) had these трап. 

per side ees, Flug Чада, diz, rd headaches, were repiried by people seg ROGANE ary hose sg be poet solution with 
тотай You should askyourdoctr todiscuss side efect of ROGAINE with you. 

Ron wfo ar eeta ete оС Lou pe vien, o eh jo cse ROGAINE 

SAINE Roca Sduncotars kao whh cn cause burning or итал the eyes or sensin nas. FOGANE acota ges mo ese 
arcs, ree De аза vith rg amounts of co tap wat Corset your doetor И te iain doss nal goa. 
What are some of the side effects people have reported? 
ROGAINE was usd by 387 patens [4I ferais] lecto null ігі Есер! dematlogt eee ming the kin mo dvi reacion 
‘or reactions gouged by body Sytems appeared obe more mon themicox ested pais ani placeto etd petenis. 

Dermatologie ото еса батаа 738% Wer os up i i) Carina ds 
‘hea пазга voming 41% Nearologic: heats dines, antres, lft headaness 3 АТ Musraloskle rate, be pan tendintis, 
‘aches end pars —2 55%: Cardiovascular. edema, chest pain, blood pressure increases/decreases, palptatiuns, pulse rate increases lecieases— | 53%; 
‘Allergic: romp serge rector ves, ali its, acl swell and senivty —1 27% Maabdli-Nutriioral ederra, ugt gain—1 21%: 
Special Senses. cs. lors eo 17X: Gent ac: rt ys veri vv adda 488, 
тү chat: oa 


Trac лагу rc пет, rea cul ehrt 083%: Endocrine: mestni changes, breast symptoms (47 iy 
eps (46-136 Hematologie: rpaderopahny rontocytopena, noma - 03. 

ROGANE use has ben morire for pt 5 years, nd ere he bee nochange n incidence or sevaity cf reported aderse reaction: Aditional here 
verts have been epoted since mateng ROGAINE and rcd eczema, hypert chosi excessive ei roi cal erythema redress] prats piching) dry 
тха Hating sonal dfurcor visual detubrces, nehm decreased usual su cert nores n hor loss; nd alopecia fheir lss). 

What are the possi side йер» tat сәйізГес the heart andcicalabon when using ROGAINE? 

Seres sde elec heve nl ben inked to ROGAINE п ciencal sudes Howeve it is posse Pat hey coulé ооох il more ihantherecurmurtel dose of 
ROGAINE wer appie, because the active ingedent i ROGAINE isthe some as at n таси tablets These eects apoco be dose related, Datis, nore 
effets are seen wth ihe doses 

Because very small amounts d minoxil reach be blood when the recommended dose of ROGAINE s аре to the scalp, you shoul know atout cetan 
effect that ray occur when the tablet forn fino eed to treat Hagh blond presare. Mino tbe’ kuer bood pressure by relig theese, en effect 
tale aon Venda nn в кеі Teale tave zarali sona ель akng rii tes i un 

pessum. 

esed ear ete somepaieots ove ors at ей tight reise mre han 20 bests p inte 

Satan vatertelerion weit gain omas than Spound in a shar pei bre orsweling of the oc ars. ander or Тола) Ра 

Fables beating especialy when lng down a result ofa buidup of body fluids or Пий round Пе ће. 

Worsening or naw аад of angira petas bel, sudden chest рай, 

өгү БАЕ cara šin, ку fiers sated Vor thai cs easy pil ti when 

U. howe pu epee ау te abe side fc st atore top rg ANE ard алай you буйи ayah alas 

ROGAN этол. 


сари ав 
Can people with igh leo pressure use ROGAINE? 
Mesa vi gh Hont о ntc by Peir ce 
ars hry a bood esu redne cled laren shod ral ROGAINE 
‘Should any precautions be followed? 
‘People who use ROGAINE should see their doctor 1 топйзай staring ROGANE and at least every б months therealter Stop using ROGAINE if any of the онад 
‘Occur Salt and watas retention, problems breath. fester heart rate or chest pane 

Do nat use ROGAINE you are ига cher drugs applied to the scalp sach as corticosteroids, reads, patrdatun, әді that might increase absarpton 
rog te siin. ROGAINE ifr use on the scalp oniy ach! m u solution curtains 20mg mn andeccierta vestium cod case umante elects 
‚Are there special precautions for women? 
Pregnant women anc ПЕД mothers should not use ROGAINE Also, its effects on women durirg labor and delivery are not known. Efficacy inpostmenopausel 
wonen has rot been sudes Studies show the изе of ROGAINE willnot affeci menstrual ide Engh, anourt of Bow. or ration af the merstruz регі 
‘Discontinue using ROGAINE and consult your doctor as soon as possible 1 your menstrual period does nat осот at the expected ime 
ConROGAINE be used by children? 
No, the safety and effectiveness of ROGAINE has not been tested in people under age 18. 
(Caution: Federal ан prohibits dispensing withou a pesciptin, You must sce a doctor to receive a presaription 


| Upjohn | DERMATOLOGY 
DIVISION 
The Upin Company, Каалако, М 4301, USA. 0855 


believer in David Cronenberg, and I was 
happy with the movie. I would have 
made different choices, particularly in 
casting John Lone as Song Liling. He 
was not believable as a woman, and the 
audience had difficulty believing that 
Jeremy Irons’ character could be fooled. 
But I had faith in Cronenberg— win, lose 
or draw. 

PLAYBOY: If you disagreed with a direc- 
tor, would you override his decision? 
GEFFEN: It depends on the circum- 
stances. 1 would actively campaign for 
my view, but in the end I would prefer to 
let a director make the movie that he 
wanted to make. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you fire the director of 
Personal Best, Bob ‘Towne, because you 
n't like the way the movie was going? 
GEFFEN: No. I closed down the movie be- 
cause it was going wildly over budget, 
and he was out of control at that time. In 
the end, though, he finished the movie. 
There have been times when I've be- 
come more involved in the content of 
movies. I changed the end of Risky Busi- 
ness. In the original script, Tom Cruise's 
character, Joel Goodson, did not get into 
Princeton. І made them change that. I 
believed that if you got Princeton’s ad- 
missions director laid, you'd get into 
Princeton. Also, I thought the audience 
would want that, so we changed it. Its a 
process. Sometimes you disagree and 
sometimes you find yourself unable not 
to get involved. But I don't aspire to be 
involved in the process other than when 
1 put it together and then, perhaps, at 
the end, during editing. 

PLAYBOY: Have you become better about 
knowing which of your movies will 
be hits? 

GEFFEN: I'm always amazed. When we 
made Risky Business, Warner Bros. didn't 
think much of the film and decided not 
even to open it at some of the best the- 
aters. Cujo, which it released the same 
day, got all the best theaters because it 
was thought it had a better chance of be- 
ing successful. And Risky Business ended 
up being a classic of the Eighties and 
made Tom Cruise a star. Beetlejuice was 
also enormously successful, but we had 
no idea it would be. The movie was com- 
pleted, and the director, Tim Burton, 
and I sat in the screening room and 
looked at each other and shook our 
heads. We thought that we had gotten 
away with something we liked very much 
but which was pretty wild. We were 
working on the movie right until the 
end. We had to invent a whole new be- 
ginning and a whole new end. 

PLAYBOY: What was the problem? 
GEFFEN: Nothing much, other than the 
fact that the story didn't make sense. So 
we fixed it up and held our breaths and 
put it out. I didn’t even stick around for 
the opening. It opened on Easter week- 
end, and I took off—I went on a boat 
trip with Steve Ross [former chairman of 


Time Warner] to the Caribbean. We 
called in and were told it was the big- 
gest Easter opening in the history of 
the movie business. We were stunned. 
It went on to gross an enormous amount 
of money. 

PLAYBOY: Do your movies reflect your 
taste? 

GEFFEN: [n a way. l try to choose things 
that will make interesting movies that 
won't lose money. I don't even say that a 
movie has to make money, but the bot- 
tom line is that it has to at least break 
even. I don't want to be responsible for 
failure. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have to believe in a 
movie to make it? 
GEFFEN: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Are there ex- 
ceptions? 

GEFFEN: The Last Boy 
Scout. I'm kind of em- 
barrassed to have my 
name on that one be- 
cause of the violence 
and bad taste. It's not 
the type of movie I 
want to make. 
PLAYBOY: Then why 
did you make it? 
GEFFEN: Someone who 
once worked here be- 
lieved in it. And, al- 
though its not my 
kind of movie, it did 
make moncy. Because 
of it, I was able to give 
away about $2 million 
to charities, which is 
probably the best thing 
about The Last Boy 
Scout. 

PLAYBOY: Would you 
make a movie that 
would probably lose 
money if you felt 
strongly about it? 
GEFFEN: No, because it 
doesn't affect just me. I 
don't want the people 
at Warner Bros., who 
finance my movies, to 
be in trouble because 
of some decision I've 
made. So far I've given them excellent. 
films, and even the ones that haven't 
been very successful haven't lost a lot of 
money. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get into the the- 
ater business? 

GEFFEN: At the invitation of Michael Ben- 
nett, who was a close friend. At the time 
he was putting together a workshop of a 
show that he called Big Dreams, which we 
changed to Dreamgirls. That got me start- 
ed. I had a lot of fun and I loved work- 
ing with Michael, who was one of the 
most talented people I've ever met. 
PLAYBOY: What are the major differences 
between the theater, record and movie 
businesses? 

GEFFEN: There are a zillion differences. 


There's very little that’s similar, The mu- 
sic business is by far the most progressive 
because it costs less money to make a 
record. 

PLAYBOY: Why does that make it more 
progressive? 

GEFFEN: Because artists who are just 
starting their careers get to make 
records, and there’s much more room 
for experimentation. Movies cost mil- 
lions of dollars to make and to market, so 
fewer people get achance to do them. As 
many records get put out by the industry 
ina month ora week as movies get made 
in a year. If we put out a record and it 
doesn't do well, no one gets fired. But if 
you make a movie for 940 million or 
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PLAYBOY: Is the record company your 
greatest passion? 

GEFFEN: It takes up most of my time, but 
at any given moment I'm passionate 
about whatever project I'm working on. 
My mother taught me to love my work. 
PLAYBOY: Was she the one who trained 
you for business? 

GEFFEN: I learned everything about busi- 
ness from her. I watched her sell, work 
with suppliers, do the books, pay the 
bills, make the deals. She enabled me to 
have a successful life because of it. She 
started a business sewing undergar- 
ments in our house and then moved it 
into a small shop. We used to go there 
to eat lunch and dinner, because she 
was working all the time—we almost 


lived at the shop. 
PLAYBOY: Did you always have enough 
money? 

GEFFEN: We had enough to eat and be 
clothed, but we didn’t have much mon- 
ey. I was never able to have clothes that 
fit me. They were always bigger, so I 
could grow into them. Since | was quite 
small and thin, I often looked ridiculous. 
PLAYBOY: What did your father do? 
GEFFEN: He almost never worked, which 
is why my mother took the responsibility 
of supporting the family. She didn't want 
to be on welfare. 

PLAYBOY: Why didn’t he work? 

GEFFEN: It’s not that he didn’t want to 
work; he wasn't successful at it. He 
couldn't seem to keep a job, and he 
wasn't highly motivat- 
ed. He liked to read, 
and he read in many 
languages. He was 
kind of an intellectual 
and eccentric, maybe 
a little lazy. He died 
when I was 18, 
PLAYBOY: Were your 
mother and father 
immigrants? 

GEFFEN: She was from 
Russia and he was 
from Poland, but they 
met in Palestine. When 
he was young my fa- 
ther worked as a tele- 
graph operator, saved 
money and went un a 
world tour, He met my 
mother, who had made 
her way to Palestine af- 
ter the Russian Revo- 
lution. She had fled 
and never again saw 
her family except for a 
sister who, years later, 
wrote to my mother 
about what had hap- 
pened to the rest of 
her family. It gave my 
mother a nervous 
breakdown and she 
was institutionalized 
for about six months. 
PLAYBOY: Was her fami- 
ly killed in the Holocaust? 

GEFFEN: Not exactly. They lived in the 
Ukraine, and as the Nazis were crossing 
into Russia from Europe, the Ukrainians 
went on a rampage in the town where 
my mother's family lived. They killed all 
the Jews they could get their hands on 
before the Nazis arrived. My mother's 
sister survived because she wasn't home, 
and my mother because she had already 
left for America. 

PLAYBOY: How old were you when your 
mother had the nervous breakdown? 
GEFFEN: 1 was six, and the whole episode 
was confusing and terrifying for me. We 
went from having a mother who ran her 
own business to having a mother who 
was in a hospital where we visited her. It 


55 


PLAYBOY 


56 


was embarrassing because all my friends 
thought she was crazy. It was frightening 
because her business shut down, but 
when she got out six months later, she 
went to work and eventually everything 
got back to normal. 

PLAYBOY: Did she resent your father? 
GEFFEN: I'm not sure. But my brother 
and I were disappointed in him. We 
blamed him for all the things we couldn't 
have and all the things we thought he 
should be doing. But in the end he did 
the best he could, I'm sure. 

PLAYBOY: Were there fun times, too? 
GEFFEN: I went to the movies а lot, which 
was magic for me. I remember seeing 
Singin’ in the Rain over and over again 
‘one day. My mother called the police be- 
cause 1 didn't come home, but I was 
mesmerized by it. I guess it was a sign of 
what was to come. 

PLAYBOY: According to your yearbook, 
you were going to be a dentist. 

GEFFEN: You had to say you were going 
to be something, and my mother would 
have liked me to be a dentist, a doctor or 
a lawyer. But there was no chance. I was 
a lousy student. I went on to flunk out of 
two colleges before I got my first job in 
show business, as an usher at CBS. I be- 
gan ushering for The Judy Garland Show, 
The Danny Kaye Show and The Red Skelton 
Show. 1 loved it. I thought, I would pay 
them to be able to watch this stuff. 
PLAYBOY: So you decided that show busi- 


ness was for you? 

GEFFEN: Well, I was a poor kid from 
Brooklyn with no talent. It never oc- 
curred to me that I could be in show 
business. But I looked for other jobs 
on the periphery of show business. I 
worked as a receptionist at a production 
company and then got a job in the mail- 
room at the William Morris Agency. In- 
stantly I knew I was in the right place. 
PLAYBOY: How did you know? 

GEFFEN: As I delivered the mail, I lis- 
tened to the people in the offices talking 
on the phone, making deals. I thought, 
like that song in A Chorus Line, “I сап 
do that.” They just bullshitted on the 
phone. When I went to the doctor or the 
dentist, it never occurred to me that I 
could be a doctor or a dentist. I knew I 
couldn't. I knew I wasn’t smart or stu- 
dious or dedicated enough. But I could 
be an agent. I knew it in a day. And get- 
ting there became the most important 
thing in my life. 

PLAYBOY: Is the story that you lied on 
your application to William Morris true? 
GEFFEN: Yeah. Thirty-one years ago 1 
lied. I said I had graduated from UCLA, 
because a college degree was a require- 
ment for the job. Га been there a week 
and was excited about the possibilities 
for my life for the first time, and another 
guy in the mailroom was fired. When I 
asked him what happened, he said that 
he had lied on his application about go- 


ing to college. I got sick to my stomach. 
From that day on, I got in carly every 
morning and went through every single 
piece of mail that came into the agency, 
looking for the letter from UCLA saying 
they had never heard of me. [ told that 
story to The New York Times for the 87th 
time, and all these people wrote letters 
to the editor that said my career is based 
ona fraud. Some people just don't get it. 
Ifa lie alone would make a career, every- 
опе would doit. 

PLAYBOY: It’s odd that you need a college 
degree to work in the mailroom in the 
first place. 

GEFFEN: It’s obviously silly. Here I am, 
one of the most successful graduates of 
the William Morris Agency. 

PLAYBOY: How does one climb from mail- 
room clerk to agent at William Morris? 
GEFFEN: You do just that; you climb the 
ladder. A job opened and I went for it. I 
was a secretary to one of the agents, typ- 
ing and taking dictation. Then I became 
an assistant to another agent, 1 quickly 
figured out that the way to be most suc- 
cessful was to be a signer, a person who 
brought talent into the agency. So, al- 
mostimmediately, I went out and started 
signing people. 

PLAYBOY: How do you do that if you're 
not yet an agent? 

GEFFEN: You recognize the talent, then 
try to convince them that they want you, 
and then you have to convince the 


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people at the agency that they want the 
artists. You have to be realistic. You're 
certainly not going to be able to go after 
a major star when you're 21 years old. I 
went after people who were brand-new 
and who I thought were talented. 
PLAYEOY: Did you find anyone who be- 
came а major star? 

GEFFEN: By the time I became an agent, I 
had signed Jesse Colin Young, Joni 
Mitchell and the Association, which was 
big at that time because of Windy. It was 
the biggest act I brought to the agency at 
that point. We used to go to clubs every 
night, the Cafe a Go-Go and the Bitter 
End. In those days, you could find the 
Lovin’ Spoonful at one club and Bill 
Cosby at another, Bob Dylan hanging 
out in the Village and Joni Mitchell at a 
coffeehouse. 

PLAYBOY: Were you blown away by these 
artists? 

GEFFEN: Completely. When I look back 
on that period, from 1965 to 1975, I was 
working with the people I mentioned, 
plus Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, the 
Eagles, Laura Nyro, Jackson Browne, 
Linda Ronstadt, Janis орип, James Tay- 
lor—so many. it was very exciting. I 
couldn't believe the life I had. I couldn't 
believe the people I was talking with on 
the telephone 

PLAYBOY: As those artists emerged, did 
you have a sense you were involved їп а 
completely new kind of entertainment? 
GEFFEN: Not at the time. I was just work- 
ing, frankly. But I can remember when I 
had Jimi Hendrix and Buddy Miles and 
Stephen Stills in my apartment in the 
Sixties. In my apartment. I couldn't be- 
lieve it. Another time Jackson Browne, 
Jimmy Webb, Laura Nyro and Joni 
Mitchell were in my living room. The 
day Martin Luther King was killed, I was 
ina limousine with Leonard Cohen, Joni 
Mitchell and Laura Nyro, going to Joni's 
concert at Bryn Mawr. She was the open- 
ing act. People were spitting at the lim- 
ousine and there was rioting in the 
streets. It was scary. 

PLAYBOY: You were the free man in Paris 
Joni Mitchell wrote about. How do you 
feel about that song? 

GEFFEN: It's a great song, but at the time 
she wrote it, Г was embarrassed by it. I 
didn't want her to record it because it 
seemed like an invasion of privacy. It was 
so personal and revealing 

PLAYBOY: Were you a free man in Paris? 
What did that mean? 

GEFFEN: Joni and I went to Paris with 
Robbie Robertson [of the Band] and his 
wife. Joni saw something that I didn’t 
see. She heard me saying that Га had 
enough of all this. I was getting to the 
point where I had had it with all the 
deals and the people. I was ODing on 
the music business. 1 was ODing on pop 
stars. I just couldn't take much more of 
it. Now, when I listen to the song, I re: 
ize how prescient she was. I didn’t se 
until much later. 


PLAYBOY: When some of the artists that 
you discovered became stars, were you 
proud? 

GEFFEN: Oh, God, yeah. I remember 
when I went to see Crosby, Stills and 
Nash do their first concert. It was at the 
Greek Theater. Joni Mitchell was their 
opening act. From there they were Aying 
to Woodstock, which was going to be 
their third gig. Yeah, it was incredible 
that I was part of it in some way. Joni 
Mitchell wrote Woodstock in my apart- 
ment I was there when she wrote it. 
PLAYBOY: Did you go to Woodstock? 
GEFFEN: No. When we got to La Guardia 
Airport and read in the Times that 
400,000 people were there, sitting in 
mud, I said to Joni, “Forget it. Let's not 
go.” We went to my apartment, and 
while we were there she wrote Woodstock. 
PLAYBOY: Had you made your first mil- 
lion dollars by then? 

GEFFEN: I'd made $2 million. As Laura 
Nyro’s manager, I owned half of her 
publishing rights and 1 sold her catalog 
for $4 million, which gave me $2 million. 
PLAYBOY: Did you tell your mother about 
that deal? 

GEFFEN: Sure. She asked me how I did it, 
and I told her I advised people on their 
careers. She looked at me, puzzled, and 
said, “You?” A million dollars was more 
money than anyone in my family had 
ever even dreamed existed. 

PLAYBOY: How did it affect you? 

GEFFEN; In just five years Га gone from 
making $55 а week іп the mailroom to 
making $2 million. It was a quick ride. It 
gave me a lot of confidence and it gave 
me what people refer to as “fuck you” 
money. It wasn't as if ГА never have to 
work again, but I felt sure I would never 
be poor again. I could do what I wanted, 
and I could genuinely be fearless about 
the future. That's when I started Asylum 
Records. 

PLAYBOY: What inspired you to start the 
company? 

GEFFEN: I was managing Jackson Browne 
and couldn't get anyone to sign him; no- 
body thought he could sing. [Atlantic 
Records chief] Ahmet Ertegun suggest- 
ed that if I really believed in Jackson as 
much as I said 1 did, I should start a 
record company and record him myself. 
So I started the label, and within a short 
time Га also signed Joni Mitchell, the 
Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, J. D. Souther, 
Ned Doheny and Judy Sill. It became 
successful almost immediately. 

PLAYBOY: Did Asylum appeal to artists 
because it wasan alternative to the major 
labels? 

GEFFEN: That appealed to them, but the 
main thing was that we were excited 
about them when other record compa- 
nies simply weren't. 

PLAYBOY: A lot of people are probably 
kicking themselves now 

GEFFEN: Everybody kicks themselves 
when they turn down something that 
turns out to be successful. We've all done 


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it. But the problem isn’t what you've 
passed on, it's what you haven't passed 
оп. Well, at Asylum we had everybody. It 
was unbelievably successful. I sold Asy- 
lum in 1972 for $7 million. Seven million 
plus the money 1 had in the bank gave 
me $10 million. | thought I would be se- 
cure forever. Selling it was a stupid mis- 
take, by the way—a mind-boggling, idi- 
otic decision. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

GEFFEN: Because a year later, it was worth 
$50 million. 

PLAYBOY: At the time, did you think you 
would never work again? That you'd 
retire? 

GEFFEN: No. But I knew I would never 
have fear again. 

PLAYBOY: Whereas $2 million didn't 
do that? 

GEFFEN: Two million would have done it, 
but it didn't feel that way to me. I didn’t 
feel rich until 1972. Two million wasn't 
enough—it had to be bigger than that. 
It's not about reality. It's about how you 
feel. But when I had more than $10 mil- 
lion, I no longer could tell myself it was 
about money, which was a blow, by the 
way. It was difficult because as long as 1 
believed money was the answer, I could 
work harder and make more, and Га get 
to the answer. So when I had all this 
money and still didn't feel quite right, I 
crashed. I thought, Oh shit. Money isn't 
the answer. This, of course, is a revela- 


tion when you grow up poor and assume 
that money will solve everything. 
PLAYBOY: Is that what Joni Mitchell had 
seen, this revelation? 

GEFFEN: Yes. I was staying at the Inn on 
the Park Hotel in London. I'd smoked a 
joint and was lying on my bed, looking at 
the ceiling. That was when it hit me, and 
it was an enormous shock. 

PLAYBOY: Money wasn't the answer 
to what? 

GEFFEN: To being happy. It's not that 1 
was miserable, but something was miss- 
ing, and so I went into analysis. 1 was 29 
years old and I had about $12 million, 
and I wasn't happy. 

PLAYBOY: What was your life like outside 
the record company? 

GEFFEN: 1 was alone. My life was work. It 
wasn't fulfilling enough. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of therapy did you 
begin? 

GEFFEN: Five-day-a-week analysis. It 
helped me tremendously. 

PLAYBOY: Without trivializing it, what did 
you discover? 

GEFFEN: Well, I began to realize that I 
had to take care of me. It wasn't enough 
to take care of Jackson Browne, Joni 
Mitchell, CSN&Y and the others, and it 
wasn't enough to amass a great fortune. 
There was little David, whom I had been 
ignoring completely, to take care of. I re- 
alized I had not dealt with a lot of my 
demons, the shit that you acquire grow- 


ing up. So I started dealing with that, 
and I had to deal with my sexuality. Г 
genuinely wasn't certain if I was straight 
or gay. In therapy I decided that I want- 
ed to be straight, and I seriously began 
to date women. 

PLAYBOY: Until then— 

GEFFEN: I was sort of not doing anything. 
1 was working. I had dates, but that was 
not a priority. 

PLAYBOY: Many gay men say they knew 
about their sexuality when they were 
very young. You didn't? 

GEFFEN: I knew 1 was interested іп men, 
but I never had made the connection in 
my own head that I was gay. 

PLAYBOY: Was the idea too threatening? 
GEFFEN: It was a different time. I never 
allowed myself to consider it seriously. 
Obviously 1 thought it was a possibility, 
but it was a frightening possibility. 
PLAYBOY: Was it frightening enough to 
repress? 

GEFFEN: Absolutely. I did not want to be 
gay, or, I should say, I did not want to be 
what I had been conditioned to believe a 
gay man was. I had had sexual experi- 
ences with men early in my Ше, but I 
never thought or acknowledged to my- 
self that I was homosexual. Then I de- 
cided I was straight, which is not the 
same thing as being straight. 

PLAYBOY: Did you begin dating women? 
GEFFEN: In 1973 Lou Adler and I started 
the Roxy. It was opening night for my 


It took four million years of evolution 


client Neil Young. I was sitting at a table 
with Bob Dylan when Lou came over 
and asked, “Is it all right if Cher sits 
with you? 

PLAYBOY: So Cher comes over and joins 
you and Dylan. Only in Hollywood. 
GEFFEN: [t gets better. Cher sat down 
next to me, and we talked all night. AE 
ter. I invited her to have dinner at my 
house. And within three days we were 
living together. 

PLAYBOY: Was this after Sonny and Cher 
were over? 

GEFFEN: She was married to Sonny, and 
we fell in love—genuinely. 

PLAYBOY: Was this your first time in love? 
GEFFEN: Yes. She moved in with me, two 
blocks away from her house where she 
was living with Sonny, who was living 
with another woman in the same house 
he was living in with Cher. Their rela- 
tionship as a legitimate married couple 
was over, but they were keeping the 
scam together for the public because 
they had the biggest television show in 
America—as a happily married couple. 
PLAYBOY: And you're gay! 

GEFFEN: I hadn't figured that out, so not 
only am 1 in love with a woman, but I'm 
in love with Cher. And she’s in love with 
me. And it's all secret. You can't imagine 
how romantic it was. We couldn't be seen 
in public. 

PLAYBOY: Was that part of the romance? 
GEFFEN: Oh my God. Sure. 


PLAYBOY: And it was Cher. Could it have 
been Jane Doe? 

GEFFEN: It wasn't Jane Doe. It was Cher. 
Cher. And it was the most exciting year 
and a half of my life. Every morning 1 
woke up and pinched myself. I could not 
believe that this was my life. Asylum 
Records, I'm living with Cher. I'm one of 
the richest men in town. It was just too 
much. And as it turned out, it really was 
too much. Because one day I discovered 
that Cher, my beloved, was screwing 
somebody behind my back—the bass 
player in the Average White Band. It 
was extremely painful for me, one of the 
most painful experiences I've had in my 
life. 1 never knew that that level of pain 
was possible. 

PLAYBOY: Did you think you had a 
monogamous relationship? 

GEFFEN: Cher had never been dishonest 
with me. She wanted me to allow her to 
have whatever experiences she needed. 
She had been in the relationship with 
Sonny from the time she was quite 
young. But for me it was like scraping a 
can opener over my brain. I became 
scared, mistrustful, paranoid. 

PLAYBOY: Was that the end of your 
relationship? 

GEFFEN: No. The end of our relationship 
was when I took her to the Troubadour 
to see Gregg Allman. In the middle of 
the show, a note was delivered to her, 
which wasn't unusual; people were al- 


ways passing her notes. She said she was 
going to the bathroom. She was gone for 
a while. The show ended, and as we 
were leaving the club, Gregg Allman 
walked by and said to her, “I'll see you 
later.” 

I said, “What was that?” Cher told me 
the truth, which was that she had gone 
back to see him and she was interested in 
him. Once again I felt as though my 
heart had been ripped out. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you let it happen 
again? 

GEFFEN: I didn't. 1 knew that going 
through that experience again would be 
too detrimental. 

PLAYBOY: She had had this other rela- 
tionship, ended it and you were back 
together? 

GEFFEN: We had never really come apart. 
1 let her go through it the first time, and 
that relationship came toan end natural- 
ly. But when she told me she was inter- 
ested in being with Gregg Allman, I left. 
I couldn't take it. She didn't want me to 
leave. She wanted me to let her have 
these experiences, but it was too much 
for me, so I moved cut. 1 moved into 
Warren Beatty's house. He helped me 
get through that period. It was the worst 
decline of my life. 

PLAYBOY: We don't think of Warren Beat- 
ty as the most sensitive guy to hang out 
with after a devastating breakup. 

GEFFEN: Warren was incredibly kind and 


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supportive. We've been close friends for 
more than 25 years. 

PLAYBOY: Then what happened? 

GEFFEN: То make it worse, the newest is- 
sue of Esquire appeared with Cher on the 
cover. The cover line was, WHO'S MAN 
ENOUGH FOR THIS WOMAN? The story was 
about my relationship with Cher, but it 
was over! Who is man enough for this 
woman? Clearly 1 wasn't. It was the most 
embarrassing, humiliating thing that 
could possibly happen to anybody, right? 
I was crazy, nauseated, and I left the 
country. I went to Brazil. I returned and 
I was still crazy. I was secing my therapist 
every day and speaking to him by tele- 
phone on weekends. I lived at the Bev- 
erly Hills Hotel in a bungalow. By then 1 
was responsible for Cher beginning her 
solo career with the Cher show. I had put 
together the first three episodes, which 
were going to air, and she was with All- 
man. I had to watch the shows. And 
every time I picked up a magazine, she 
was on the cover, and I'd feel sick. I 
picked up an issue of Time and, in it, re- 
sponding to a question about going from 
Sonny to me, she says, quote: “I traded 
опе short ugly man for another. 
PLAYBOY: Ouch. 

GEFFEN: Yeah. You can't imagine how 
painful that was for me. That was her 
idea of humor; she wasn't sensitive 
enough to understand how. painful it 
would be for me. We're friends now, but 
it was hell. 

PLAYBOY: Did your therapy help? 
GEFFEN; Of course. My therapist kept me 
from going insane. 1 was in so much an- 
guish that a friend of mine suggested 1 
go to est. A year earlier, [movie execu- 
tive] Peter Guber had suggested that 1 
go to est, and I looked at him like he was 
nuts. But, during that period, if some- 
body had suggested that my pain would 
go away if I became a Catholic, 1 would 
have become a Catholic. 1 would have 
done anything to get rid of the pain. 
PLAYBOY: What did est do for you? 
GEFFEN: It was an amazing experience. 1 
realized, for the first time in my life, that 
Iwas responsible for everything that had 
happened to me. I was responsible for 
my life. 1 wasn't a victim, and 1 had no 
onc to blame. It sounds trite, but it is an 
incredibly important lesson. 

PLAYBOY: You have also been involved in 
other New Age self-help programs, such 
as Course in Miracles and Lifespring. 
How are they similar or different? 
GEFFEN: They're completely different, 
but they both involve ways of dealing 
with your stuff, whatever it is. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get involved with 
Marianne Williamson and her Course in 
Miracles? 

GEFFEN: I went to a lecture and found it 
quite compelling. I returned a number 
of times and listened to her tapes and 
found some value in what she was say- 
ing. If someone says to me, “I tried this 
and it was valuable to me,” I'll try it. 


PLAYBOY: What docs that say about you? 
GEFFEN: I'm looking to get better, not to 
be right. 

PLAYBOY: Many people view all that stuff 
as flaky. 

GEFFEN: People who are cynical about 
those kinds of things are cynical in gen- 
eral. Well, they get to have their cyni- 
cism. I aspire to be better. It's hard to 
judge the value of things you have not 
tried yourself. I might try something 
and decide it’s a waste of time. But more 
often I think I get something valuable 
out of these experiences. 

PLAYBOY: All toward being happy? 
GEFFEN: No, toward getting somewhat 
better. You die unhealed. If you work on 
yourself your whole life you will still die 
unhealed, but you'll 
have a better life if 
you continue to work 
on it. If you can heal 
some of the damage 
that comes from life, 
I think that’s good. 
If you dont see it 
as valuable, then it 
won't be, 

PLAYBOY: How did it 
help you get over 
things when Cher 
went off with Gregg 
Allman? 

GEFFEN: All this work 
I did changed my life 
from that point for- 
ward. I was able to 
unburden myself of 
my pain over Cher. It 
still hurt, but I was 
able to move on. 
Soon after that I got 
fixed up with Marlo 
Thomas on a blind 
date, and within 
days we were in love 
with each other, and 
soon we were living 
together. 

PLAYBOY: So you were 
still trying to be 
straight? 


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really like, because 1 don't know. 1 had 
been trying to be something else, but 
from that point on 1 had to be who 1 was. 
Cancer made it imperative not to waste 
any more time. 

PLAYBOY: What happened with your 
cancer? 

GEFFEN: After four years I was told that I 
had been misdiagnosed. I had spent 
four years believing 1 could die, and so I 
understocd that the future is an illusion. 
PLAYBOY: Were you working during 
those four years? 

Gerren: 1 had sold Asylum to Warner 
Bros. and tried working in movies at 
Warner Studio. My contract with War- 
ner went through 1979, but I didn't like 
the movie business. They told me I could 


PA 


GEFFEN: It took until 
the end of that rela- 
tionship for me to realize that 1 couldn't 
be straight. 

PLAYBOY: Why did it take so long? 
GEFFEN: It was a mind-boggling realiza- 
tion that came at the same time I was di- 
agnosed as having a tumor. I was in the 
hospital waiting to find out whether it 
had spread, whether I was going to have 
to be mutilated or whether I would die. 
It all sank in then. I realized there is no 
time to waste in life. You have to live 
your life one day at a time. But I had 
been living a lic. Trust me, when some- 
one tells you that you have cancer, it 
changes your life in a profound way. 
PLAYBOY: How did it change your life? 
GEFFEN: I thought, I'm going to live my 
life and see who I really am and what 1 


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leave the studio but that they held me to 
my contract, which meant that they were 
paying me not to work. Basically, they 
didn't want me to work for a competitor. 
It was horrible, but I made the best of it. 
1 went to New York, hung out at Studio 
54 a lot during its heyday and had a 
good time. Then finally my contract was 
over, and at the same time I found out I 
had been misdiagnosed 

PLAYBOY: How did that feel? 

GEFFEN: I was relieved, of course. I had 
sort of lived my life with one thing in 
my head, and all of a sudden there was 
a new piece of information. It was like 
a second chance. So I quickly decided 
to go back to work. I founded Geffen 
Records. 


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PLAYBOY: Why the record business again, 
given all the other choices? 

GEFFEN: I love the record business. It is 
the thing I do best, and 1 wanted to 
work. There was something Paul Simon 
had said to me. He said, “Begin with 
what you know. You never know where it 
will take you.” So I went back into the 
record business by starting a record 
company. The film company came next, 
then the theater company. 

PLAYBOY: Who were your first acts on 
Geffen Records? 

GEFFEN: The first three acts I signed 
were Donna Summer, John Lennon and 
Elton John. Donna had left Casablanca 
Records at the peak of her career. When 
1 got her, she had just become a born- 
again Christian, and 
her music changed 
radically. Her career 
went steadily down- 
hill. But with Donna 
and then Lennon 
and Elton John, it 
was a good start. 
PLAYBOY: Since then, 
Geffen Records has 


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Guns п’ Roses? 
GEFFEN: Tom Zutaut, 
who works at my 
company, heard 
them and signed 
them. It was a very 
good move. 

PLAYBOY: How do you 
feel about some of 
their controversial 
lyrics, particularly 
the homophobic 
lyrics in One in a 
Million? 

GEFFEN: ] spoke with 
Axl Rose about the 
song before he put 
the record out. I told him I thought it 
would cause him a lot of trouble, but he 
wanted it released. It ended up getting a 
lot of negative reaction, which was cer- 
tainly deserved. 

PLAYBOY: Does the fact that the song is 
homophobic bother you? 

GEFFEN: I don't believe Ax] Rose is homo- 
phobic. 1 know him. 

PLAYBOY: But he has said that he was ho- 
mophobic. He attributed it to abuse 
when he was a child. 

GEFFEN: But he wasn't when he made the 
record. He was writing about an experi- 
ence early in his life. 

PLAYBOY: Some Guns n' Roses songs аге 
misogynistic. Don't you consider that 
objectionable? 


eso 


61 


GEFFEN: Yes, of course I find misogyny 

objectionable. 

PLAYBOY: It was reported that you were 

shocked when you heard that Ax] Rose 

put a Charles Manson song on the latest 

Guns n' Roses LP Didn't you know about 

it in advance? 

GEFFEN: No. I heard about it when I was 

оп vacation in Barbados. I was watching 

CNN with the TV on mute. I saw a ріс- 

ture of Charles Manson on the screen, 

and then 1 saw these lyrics. Under them 
it said, “From Geffen Records.” I went 
crazy. 

PLAYBOY: Did you consider removing the 

song from future copies of the album? 
GEFFEN: We don't have the right to re- 
move it. The band has, among the many 
rights in the members’ 
contracts, complete 
control of its material. 
It's one of the biggest 
bands in the world. 
People at my company, 
as well as the other 
members of the band, 
had urged Axl to elim- 
inate the song from 
the record, but he 
wouldn't. It related in 
a meaningful way to a 
relationship that was 
important to him. 
PLAYBOY: Would you 
have stopped the 
record from being put 
ош with that song һай 
you known about it in 
advance? 
GEFFEN: No, but 1 
would have made 
arrangements regard- 
ing the song’s royalties 
prior to its release. 
Our concern was that 
it should not enrich or 
reward Manson in any 
way, so we arranged 
for all of the money to 
go to the child of one 
of the people who was 
killed by Manson's 
family. Axl made the 
decision to do that af- 
terward. But it would have made much 
more sense to have arranged this prior 
to the release of the album. 

Оп the other hand, 1 dropped Def 
American Records, a label we distrib- 
uted, because it was consistently putting 
out records I found offensive, such as 
Andrew Dice Clay, Slayer and the Geto 
Boys. It reached a point where 1 could 
not continue to put out offensive materi- 
al that was recorded by artists we hadn't. 
even signed, and so I dropped the label. 
I'm not interested in making records 
about murdering women and fucking 
their dead bodies, cutting off their 
breasts—shit like that. That was actually 
on a Geto Boys record. So even though 

62 dropping the label meant losing artists 1 


PLAYBOY 


LAGERFELD 


©1994 Ришта Interavonal Ld 


didn't want to lose, like the Black 
Crowes, it was a choice І had to make. 
Гуе read interviews with Rick Rubin, 
who runs Def American, in which he 
talks about how he left Geffen Records. 
He didnt leave, I threw him out. 1 
couldn't stand being associated with a lot 
of the records he was putting out. 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about the vio- 
lence in rap music? 

GEFFEN; We don't put out rap records. 
Look— you can make money all kinds of 
ways. Some people make money selling 
drugs. I find some rap records ехігаог- 
dinarily offensive, and 1 don't want to 
profit from them. 

PLAYBOY: Do the sentiments expressed in 
the music trouble you? 


GEFFEN: It troubles me that there's as 
much violence in the streets as there is, 
that so many people are being killed and 
that there’s poverty and a lack of hope. 
All these things trouble me, and I realize 
rap music is a reflection of that. But 
these records aren't going to help. They 
hurt. Some are inflammatory, and 1 
won't be part of it. 

PLAYBOY: But since the music reflects 
something that's going on in the culture, 
shouldn't those bands have a forum to 
express 
GEFFEN: Absolutely. I didn't say they 
shouldn't be able to make records. 

PLAYBOY: But if all the record company 
executives used your criteria, many peo- 
ple wouldn't have a voice. 


GEFFEN; But other record company exec- 
utives don't feel that way. They put the 
stuff out. 

PLAYBOY: How well did you know Kurt 
Cobain? 

GEFFEN: | knew him, though not well. He 
was a lovely, gentle guy. 

PLAYBOY: Was it a shock to hear that he 
killed himself? 

GEFFEN: Of course. Life was obviously ex- 
tremely painful for him. He wasn't the 
first person I've known who has killed 
himself. I'm not sure if there's any way 
you can intervene when people are de- 
termined to die, and that's sad. 

PLAYBOY: Recently, it was reported that 
Aerosmith is leaving your label for Co- 
lumbia. Does that upset you? 

GEFFEN: Not at all. 
When artists leave, it's 
not personal. It used to 
take an enormous toll 
оп me, but now it's like 
a mosquito bite that 
you can't quite scratch. 
Aerosmith is leaving 
because it was offered 
much more money 
than I thought made 
sense. I don't blame 
them. 

PLAYBOY: What do you 
think of (he high- 
stakes deal in which 
Viacom bought out 
Paramount, and all the 
other big acquisitions 
of studios over the past 
few years? 

GEFFEN: These are 
management-intensive 
businesses that have to 
be run as such. They 
cannot be run in the 
same manner as man- 
ufacturing businesses. 
And often the prices 
are ridiculous. When 
Sony bought Columbia 
and Matsushita bought 
MCA, both overpaid 
tremendously. But the 
prices in the Para- 
mount deal now make 
those prices seems like bargains. It’s all 
madness. And the chickens may come 
home to roost one day. 

PLAYBOY: Sony and Matsushita bought 
American movie studios because they 
felt they needed to have access to soft- 
ware, not only hardware, in the future. 
GEFFEN: You don't have to buy compa- 
nies to have access to software. Software 
is and always has been available. And the 
truth is, if Sony sold its software compa- 
nies, Matsushita would probably sell its 
software companics, because the return 
on the investment in the movie and tele- 
yision business hasn't been great. They 
all talk about the synergy of owning it all, 
but the only synergy that has come out of 
these deals is a huge amount of debt and 


ГПОСУ5 


elephantine companies that are hard to 
manage. 

PLAYBOY: With some much ballyhooed 
new entertainment forms—new kinds of 
CDs, expanded cable, interactive me- 
dia—it’s apparent that the entertain- 
ment industry is changing. Where do 
you see it going? 

GEFFEN: The people who are telling us 
what the future is going to be are com- 
pletely full of shit. 1 don’t think anyone 
can see the future better than you or I. 
PLAYEOY: So are the people who are bet- 
ting on the future going to lose their 
investments? 

GEFFEN: Some might be right about it 
More likely, they're not. All this invest- 
ment in cable television, for instance, 
may turn out terribly 
because cable may 
soon be obsolete. The 
signals may be broad- 
cast digitally. Who 
knows? I surely don't. 
But I know that every- 
body who's saying they 
know where things are 
going is doing so based 
on self-interest. They 
have no better crystal 
ball than anybody else. 
PLAYBOY: How will Al 
Gore's information su- 
perhighway affect your 
businesses—when 
there are 500 TV 
channels? 

GEFFEN: It won't affect 
them atall. If there are 
new ways to deliver 
movies, Broadway 
shows and albums, 
great! It doesn't matter 
to me whether I de- 
liver them on CD, 
record, videocassette 
or by some cable sys- 
tem with 500 channels. 
Everybody claims to 
have a crystal ball 
about this stuff in the 
future. I don't have а 
crystal ball. 

PLAYBOY: How about 
when it comes to the country? In what 
direction do you see things going, partic- 
ularly since you worked so hard to get 
President Clinton elected? 

GEFFEN: l think it's wonderful to have a 
Democrat in the White House. It’s good 
that there is a group of people who are 
concerned about health care, crime, un- 
employment, a woman's right to have an 
abortion and many other serious issues. 
It isn’t a cure-all, but there is someone 
who will listen. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been disap- 
pointed that things aren't changing 
faster? 

GEFFEN: An ocean liner doesn't turn on a 
dime. But I think the president and Mrs. 
Clinton care about issues that affect most 


LAGERFELD PHOTO 


© 1954 Parfums Iniematona Lid 


Americans. They are concerned about 
the environment, about poor, disadvan- 
taged people—the least powerful people 
in America. They are concerned about 
making a fairer and safer America. 
PLAYBOY: How does it feel to have a di- 
rect line to the White House? 

GEFFEN: 105 great to feel that there's 
someone you could conceivably talk 
with, that there’s an intelligent person at 
the other end of the conversation who's 
going to listen to what you have to say. 
But that's not to say that І have any 
influence. 

PLAYBOY: You don't think so? 

GEFFEN: No. And І don't want to present 
myself as a person who has influence. I 
neither have it nor seek it 


PLAYBOY: But you do lobby for things 
you care about. You have campaigned to 
allow gays in the military, for example. 
You have worked hard to make AIDS 
a national priority. There are other 
issues—— 

GEFFEN: I care about a lot of the things 
that this administration is at least willing 
to listen to. 

PLAYBOY: Were you disappointed with 
the don't-ask-don't-tell compromise on 
gays in the military? 

GEFFEN; Of course 1 was. But 1 think 
they did the best that could be done, 
unfortunately. 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe that? Do you 
view it as a broken promise? 

GEFFEN: 1 know there are very strong 


FRAGRANCE 
FOR MEN 


forces in America against the advance- 
ment of civil rights for anybody, let alone 
gay people. There is a very strong con- 
servative Christian right wing in this 
country that would like to send us back 
to the Dark Ages. It takes a long time to 
change. 

PLAYBOY: You are involved іп gay politics 
beyond the military issue. How do you 
feel about the tactics of the radical gay 
groups such as Act Up, which has at- 
tempted to call attention to AIDS by dis- 
rupting the opera in San Francisco, and 
by throwing condoms in a church in 
New York? 

GEFFEN: 1 have nothing to say about what 
they do. They do what they do, and I do 
what I do. I have no opinion about 
them. People with 
AIDS have a very dif- 
ferent agenda than I 
do. They're dealing 
with a time bomb. I'm 
very concerned about 
it. If I were infected, 
it might be the only 
thing 1 would think 
about. I don't know 
what I would do. I do 
know that I want to 
make a difference. 


PLAYBOY: When did 
you begin to be open 
about being gay? 


GEFFEN: It was never а 
secret. Years ago peo- 
ple didn't talk publicly 
about being gay, and I 
didn't. But there was 
nobody who knew me 
who didn't know my 
story. It wasn't like I 
was lying about it. I 
just thought that mak- 
ing a public statement 
about my sexuality was 
kind of tacky and inap- 
propriate. 
PLAYBOY: Was it sig- 
nificant for you when, 
С іп 1992, you came 
ОСУ5 сш publidy at the 
Commitment to Life 
Awards ceremony hon- 
oring you and Barbra Streisand for your 
work on behalf of people with AIDS? 
GEFFEN: The idea that I decided to come 
out is wrong. At that event, a third of the 
tickets were given to people who were 
dealing with HIV or AIDS, and I felt 
that I couldn't get up in front of that au- 
dience and not acknowledge that [ was 
gay. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me. 
Other people made a big deal about it, 
but I sure didn’t think it was a big deal. 
PLAYBOY; But, for gay rights organiza- 
tions, it was a big deal that such a promi- 
nent person was acknowledging his 
homosexuality. 
GEFFEN: I was happy to do it. It was no 
problem for me. 
PLAYBOY: What did it change in your life? 


63 


PLAYBOY 


GEFFEN: Nothing. There wasn't onc per- 
son who knew me who said, “Oh my 
God. David Geffen is gay.” 

PLAYBOY: But you were criticized by rad- 
ical gay groups for waiting so long to 
come out. 

GEFFEN: I don't care what they think. 
PLAYBOY: You disapprove of outing. 
GEFFEN: I think it is terrible. People's 
lives have been ruined, not because they 
are gay—being gay is not a ruinous con- 
dition—but because it was made to seem 
like a bad thing by those supposedly 
proud gays doing the outing. It hasbeen 
used as a weapon. Look, all of us lead in- 
dividual, singular lives. We all make our 
own choices. It might just be that a clos- 
eted gay person is keeping it a secret be- 
cause of a career, a parent, his or her 
children. We do not live in a perfect, en- 
lightened world—and until we do, none 
of us should sit in judgment. Empathy 
works both ways. 

PLAYBOY; Did you ever fear that being 
gay would hurt you? 

GEFFEN: No, because, as I said, 1 don’t 
think there's a person who knows me or 
who has known me over the past 20 
years who doesn’t know my story. When- 
ever I was dating a guy, he was with me 
if I went to a premiere, or if 1 went to а 
dinner party. So по one was mi 
about me. It has never affected my bu: 
ness whatsoever, because people are in- 
terested in whether Im good at what 1 
do, not who I'm sleeping with. The peo- 
ple I worked with—Steve Russ, Мо Os- 
tin, Ahmet Ertegun—always knew I was 
gay. In fact, they were surprised when 1 
ended up going out with women. They 
couldn't figure out what all that was 
about, because people think you can on- 
ly be one thing or another. But that's 
nonsense. People go through a world of 
discovery in their lives and try this or 
that to see whether it is something that 
works for them. I've gone out with men 
I didn’t like and women I didn’t like, 
and men 1 liked and women I liked. 
PLAYBOY: So are you gay or bisexual? 
GEFFEN: Right now I'm completely, 100 
percent gay. But I'd be lying if I said that 
i's inconceivable to me that I might 
meet a woman and fall in love with her. I 
might. I’m not looking to, and I’m not 
planning on it and I don't hope that I 
will, but I might. Because that’s real life. 
PLAYBOY: But don't you know a lot of gay 
men who would say it’s inconceivable to 
fall in love with a woman? 

GEFFEN: Yes. It was inconceivable to me 
until it happened. So nothing is in- 
conceivable to me today. Every time 1 
see Demi Moore walk in front of my 
beach house—we're neighbors—I think, 
Whoa, she’s really hot! I'm not saying 
that because I want to present myself as 
anything other than gay—it's the truth. 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the impact of 
AIDS on your industry. 

GEFFEN: It has impacted every indus- 


64 try—every American. An enormous num- 


ber of people are dying, most of them 
young, who still have a lot to contrib- 
ше. There's no aspect of it that’s not 
tragic. I've lost a tremendous number of 
friends, acquaintances and associates— 
how could it not affect me? I would hope 
that it would affect everybody emotion- 
ally. Every person who has a conscience 
should care about AIDS. 

PLAYBOY: When did you begin to see that 
AIDS was affecting the gay community? 
GEFFEN: One of the first people who be- 
came infected was the best friend of a 
friend of mine. It was before any knowl- 
edge of this thing called AIDS. People 
were developing illnesses that usually af- 
fected old people. No one could figure 
out what was going on. Then we began 
to hear there was a disease that affected 
gay people. Naturally, 1 thought, Oh 
shit! Maybe I have it. Then in the early 
Eighties I thought maybe everybody had 
it. Who knew? It was very frightening. 
Eventually 1 took the test and found out 
1 was negative. That was, of course, a re- 
lief. Lots of people were not so fortu- 
nate. A great many friends of mine are 
infected, and a great many friends have 
already died. I save all the Rolodex 
cards of friends of mine who haye died, 
and now I have hundreds of cards with a 
rubber band around them. 

PLAYBOY: You said that when you were a 
kid you couldn't imagine knowing a mil- 
lionaire. Is it any different being a 
billionaire? 

Gerren; I live шу life prety mudi the 
same way I've always lived my life. 
PLAYBOY: If money is power, and a mil- 
lion dollars is a certain amount of pow- 
er, is a billion dollars an unbelievable 
amount of power? 

GEFFEN: No. It’s an illusion. It’s all an 
illusion. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

GEFFEN: 1 mean, powerful with whom, 
with what? 

PLAYBOY: Obviously you can do what you 
want. You have enormous clout. You can 
buy what you want, do what you want, 
employ who you want, get people to do 
whatever you want, presumably. 
GEFFEN: Well, 1 can do what I want, 
though I've been able to do pretty much 
what I want most of my life. But where 
am I? Um still in my office. I'm at work 
every day. I'm no longer motivated to 
make money for myself, because I have 
enough money. So now the best part of 
the money is that 1 can do a lot of good 
with it. Our foundation has given away 
millions of dollars every year since 1990. 
PLAYBOY: When you're not working, how 
do you spend your time? Do you go to 
rock shows? 

GEFFEN: I've seen enough rock shows to 
last me for the rest of my life. Now I go 
as little as possible. I prefer listening to 
the albums. 

PLAYBOY: Whose concert would you still 
go see? 

GEFFEN: If you told me that Elvis Presley 


and Buddy Holly and the Beatles were 
all going to get together one more time, 
I'd say, “Let me hear the album.” I went 
to so many concerts at the beginning of 
my career and sat there with my 
eardrums bursting, with all the agents 
and promoters, all the people backstage. 
Now I like albums. 

PLAYBOY: Are you currently involved 
with someone? 

GEFFEN: No, but I’m always looking. 
Know anybody? 

PLAYBOY: You've talked about the women 
you have dated, but not the men. 
GEFFEN: Because people are interested in 
Cher, or Marlo Thomas. They are not 
necessarily interested in the guys I go 
out with because nobody has ever heard 
of them. If I were going out with a fa- 
mous man, you'd be asking me, “So, 
what about James Dean?” 

PLAYBOY: Has the work you have done 
on yourself, through therapy and the 
rest, paved the way for a long-term 
relationship? 

GEFFEN: Absolutely. Each time, you're 
better at it. I'd like to learn to be more 
loving, more compassionate, a better 
person in every regard, and I've come a 
long way. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think your success has 
gotten in the way of your relationships? 
GEFFEN: No. It's how hard I work and 
how much time I invest in my work. 
PLAYBOY: Are you a workaholic? 

GEFFEN: I have learned how not to be. I 
take weekends off I don't encourage 
people to call me after work about busi- 
ness. 1 take vacations. 1 have good 
friends and lots of interests. 

PLAYBOY: After all the searching, have 
you figured out the key to happiness? 
GEFFEN: I don't think it's possible to be 
happy if you are not being yourself. 
PLAYBOY: Arc you? 

Gerren: I'm a happy guy, if that’s what 
you're asking. But 1 feel there's more 
you can do to make yourself better. You 
constantly have to work on issues in your 
life. That is what a healthy person does. 
It’s a struggle, but it’s very rewarding. 
PLAYBOY: What do you still want to 
accomplish? 

GEFFEN: When I see a movie like 
Schindler's List, it reminds me how much 
we, in this business, can do. I've always 
thought that movies and music and tele- 
vision have an extraordinary opportuni- 
ty to cducate people, to enlighten them, 
to elevate them. I have always wanted 
to make the great movie. I don't know 
that I've come close to making a great 
one, but [ still hope to. People who do 
good work get to feel really good about 
it. It’s like a high-water mark that you 
can shoot for. It’s about striving to do 
good work and accomplishing some- 
thing lasting and important, something 
that makes a difference. It's always worth 
striving to do more. 


Have you noticed finding a place to smoke 
is the hardest part of your job? 
For a great smoke, put in for a window office. 


BENSON & HEDGES 100’s 
THE LENGTH YOU GO TO FOR PLEASURE 


[р] “ғой охото sign for people who moke. 
Call 1-800-494-5444 for more information. 


© Philo Moris re 1998 
18 mg “tar” 11 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


66 


article by GEORGE ANASTASIA 


HE SUN was burning 


the dew off the lawn 
in front of John 
Stanfa's Medford, 


New Jersey home as 
the 53-year-old’ Mob boss left 
his house. He and his son, 
Joseph, 23, were on their way 
to work. It was early morning 
and their driver had just pulled 
his slightly beat-up 1976 Cadil- 
lac Seville up the driveway 
Stanfa, balding, with thick, 
sloping shoulders and a broad 
chest, eased into the front pas- 
senger seat. Joe sat in the back 
This was how they went to work 
every morning. They left the 
house at the same time, took 
the same route to work, rode 
in the same car. On August 
31, 1993, the routine nearly 
killed them. 

It takes about an hour. dir- 
ing the morning commuter 
rush, to drive from Medford to 
Continental Imported Food 
Distributors, a warehouse in 
the Grays Ferry section of 
South Philadelphia. Continen- 
tal, which distributes imported 
Italian foods to restaurants and 
bars throughout the area, is 
owned by Joe Stanfa and his sis- 
ter, Sara, 26. On most morn- 
ings the Stanfas, father and son, 
would be in the warehouse by 
eight A.M. Joe seemed to do 
most of the work around the 
place, supervising crews that 
loaded the trucks, even doing 
some of the bull work if deliver- 
ies were running behind sched- 
ule. John, on the other hand, 
would hole up in an office con- 
ducting business that investiga- 
tors believed. had little to do 
with the price of provolone. 

The Cadillac Seville traveled 
west on Route 70 and then 
south on Interstate 295 toward 
the Walt Whitman Bridge, join 
ing the flow of thousands of 
commuters heading over the 
Delaware River and into Phil- 
adelphia each morning. 

At around 7:45 a.M., near the 
Vare Avenue/Mifflin Street exit 
on the Schuylkill Expressway, a 


THE 
LAST 
CIVIL 
WAR 


WITH 

ITS BOSSES 

ON THE RUN 
AND THE FEDS 
CLOSING IN, THE 
MAFIA FIGHTS 
A BLOODY 
GENERATIONAL 
BATTLE ON THE 
STREETS OF 
PHILADELPHIA 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


РЕКА Уно. Y 


68 


white Chevy van caught up with the 
Caddy. Іп a flash, two 9mm machine 
pistols popped out of portholes cut 
into the side of the van and began 
strafing the Cadillac. John Stanfa 
ducked down as the spray of bullets 
shattered the window. Joe, in the back- 
seat, wasn't as quick as 
his father. One of the 
bullets caught him 
above his right cheek- 
bone. He slid to the 
floor in agony. Stanfa 
screamed for the driv- 
er, Fred Aldrich, to 
stop the car, that Joe 
had been hit. Instead, 
Aldrich rammed the 
side of the van, forcing 
it onto the Vare Ay- 
спис exit ramp. Then 
he gunned the engine 
and continued west on 
the Schuylkill for an- 
other half mile, exiting 
at University Avenue. 
Police would later 
credit the burly Viet- 
nam war veteran with 
saving the lives of the 
Mob boss and his son. 
But the fact remained 
that if Stanfa had not 
been so arrogant, if he 
had listened to some of 
his people and lett the 
house at different 
times, taken different 
routes, the ambush 
could have been 
avoided altogether. 
But Stanfa had always 
underestimated the 


blast. 


THE BOSSES 
ANGELO BRUNO— Philadelphia Mob 
boss whose March 21, 1980 shot- 
gun murder set in motion the 
bloody internecine struggle that 
continues today. 

PHILIP “CHICKEN МАМ” 
Bruno's underboss and successor, 
killed іп а March 15, 1981 bomb. 


NICODEMO "LITTLE NICKY” SCARFO— 
Testa's consigliere and successor. 
One of the most violent Mafia 
bosses in America. Many mob- 
sters died during his ten-year 
reign of terror. Currently serving 
consecutive 14-year and 55-year 
prison terms following federal 
Convictions on conspiracy and 
racketeering charges. 

JOHN STANFA—Sicilian-born mob- 
ster who took over the Philadel- 
phia crime family 
Backed by the Gambino family in 
New York and by Mafia leaders in 
Palermo, but unable to control 
younger members of the local 
organization. 


14 bloody years of Mafia turmoil in 
Philadelphia. They were used to find- 
ing wiseguys with bullet holes behind 
their ears, wrapped in blankets and 
cast aside. This was different, crazy. An 
ambush in the st of rush-hour 
traffic, with total disregard for hun- 


year-old son of a Philadelphia capo, 
was sending a message to Stanfa, a man 
born in an Italian village not far from 
Palermo and raised in the old-world 
ways of the Mafia. The message was: 
Get the fuck off our corner. Get out of 
our city. Go back where you belong. It 

didn't matter that the 


MOB SCENE 


Who's Who in Philadelphia 


NICHOLAS 


TESTA— 


August 5, 
ambush. 


іп 1991. 


MICHAEL 


kids—the younger THE PLAYERS August 5, 
generation of mob- JOSEPH “CHANG” CIANCAGLINI— ambush. 
sters in Philadelphia. Bruno enforcer who became 


With smoke and the 
smell of burning rub- 
ber trailing in its 
wake—the rear tre, 
punctured by a stray 
bullet, was now in 
shreds—the Cadillac 
lurched around the 
comer at 34th and 
Wharton streets and 
pulled up in front of 
the Continental ware- 
house. Joe Stanfa was 
hustled out of the car 
and into another vehi- 
cle. Rushed to the emergency room at 
the Hospital of the University of Penn- 
sylvania, he was conscious, alert and, 
police said, uncooperative. 

‘The hit took everyone by surprise. 
The victims, of course, but also the 
public, terrified by the wanton display 
of violence, and even the cops, who 
had never seen anything like it during 


charges. 


charges. 


capo, or captain, under Scarfo. 
Currently serving a 45-year sen- 
tence on federal 


SALVATORE MERLINO—Scarfo un- 
derboss. Currently serving a 45- 
year sentence on racketeering 


LAWRENCE MERLINO—Salvatore’s 
brother. Became a cooperating 
witness after convictions on rack- 
eteering and murder charges. 
Now in the protective-custody 


racketeering 


death by Stanfa. 


tember 17, 1993. 


dreds of innocent people who might 
have been caught in the crossfire or 
crushed in a mass pilcup. It was out 
of character—it was more Sicily than 
South Philadelphia. But that was just 
the point. 

Everyone suspected that the kids 
were behind it. They were sure that 
Joseph “Skinny Joey” Merlino, the 32- 


wing of a federal prison. 
“NICKY CROW“ 
MANDI—In 1986 he became one 
of the first "made" members of 
the Philadelphia Mob to turn wit- 
ness for the state by testifying 
against Scarfo and dozens of oth- 
ers. A series of trials based in 
part on his testimony brought. 
down the Scarfo organization. 
JOSEPH "SKINNY JOEY" MERLINO— 
Son of Salvatore Merlino and 
leader of a young, renegade fac- 
tion of the Mob that is bucking 
Stanfa's rule. Survived an 
1993 street-corner 


JOSEPH “JOEY CHANG" CIANCAGLINI 
JR—Son of Scarfo crime family 
capo Joe "Chang" Ciancaglini. 
Named underboss by Stanfa. 
Wounded in a March 2, 1993 
ambush at a South Philadelphia 
luncheonette he operated. 

“MIKE CHANG” CIANCA- 
GLINIi—Younger brother of Joey 
Chang. Aligned with Joey Merli- 
no against Stanfa. Killed in an 
1993 street-corner 


JOSEPH srANFA—Son of Mob 
boss, Wounded in an August 31, 
1993 highway ambush. 

GAETON LUCIBELLO—A member of 
the Merlino faction, targeted for 


SERGIO BATTAGLIA—Stanfa loyalist 
recorded on secret tapes dis- 
cussing the right way to pop a 
bullet into an enemy’s head. 

FRANK BALDINO—Merlino associ- 
ate killed in the parking lot of a 
South Philadelphia diner on Sep- 


hit failed. The kids 
had pulled it off; they 
were not about to back 
down. Philadelphia's 
civil war was entering 
abloody new phase. 
. 

САҢА; If you want to know 
about the decline of 
the American Maha, 
look at Philadelphia. 
"Ihe Mob war that is 
raging there now—the 
gun battles that have 
left a dozen mobsters 
dead or wounded, the 
turncoat testimony 
that has brought a se- 
Ties of sweeping Mob 
indictments, the pend- 
ing trials and prosecu- 
tions that could leave 
Stanfa and most of his 
top associates in jail for 
the rest of their lives, 
the bloody gencration 
and culture gaps that 
have continued to 
widen—is part of a 
saga that may signal 
the end of the Ameri- 
can arm of La Cosa 
Nostra. Three of the 
Mob bosses in the city 
have been indicted. 
‘Two have been mur- 
dered. A once low-key 
and highly efficient 
crime family has 
turned on itself. Fu- 
eled by greed, wreach- 
ery and by what ap- 
pears to be an 
insatiable bloodlust, 
the organization is 
self-destructing. 

"To track its demise, 
look to John Stanfa 
and his misguided at- 
tempt to bring the kids 
under his control. 
“Stanfa was not CEO material,” says 
Richard Zappile, chief inspector with 
the Philadelphia Police Department 
and one of the point men in law en- 
forcements war on the Mob. “Не 
didn't have the strategic planning abil- 
ity it takes to lead. He didn't exercise 
enough control and he allowed things 
to build up." (continued on page 150) 


"We can't get away with much these days.” 


59 


70 


women who love 
women, and the men 
who love them 


A WALK ON THE BI SIDE 


AY WHAT YOU WILL about bisexuality,” said Woody Allen. “You have a 50 percent better 


chance of finding a date on Saturday night.” Indeed, as Basic Instinct showed us, the pos- 
sibilities are endless. From curious college undergrads to gender-benders to icons such as 
Madonna and k.d. lang, it’s a whole new ball game out there—with or without the balls— 
as women experiment with the changing rules and roles of sex play. At the front of the 
pack is the bisexual woman—a pleasure-seeker who shuns labels in pursuit of carnal at- 
traction in all its forms. She is the ultimate rule breaker. There have always been bisexual women, of 
course. But until recently, they never quite fit in: Lesbians were wary of them because they like to sleep 
with men. Yet because they also slip between the sheets with women, many straight guys didn’t know 
what to make of them. The media and gay activists, meanwhile, charged them with sitting on the fence. 
We say bisexual women enjoy the best of both worlds—and why not? Both have so much to offer. “If 1 


Above from left, Lené Hefner (no relation to our boss), Angela Cornell and British model Stephen Scott enjoy с 
cozy triangle. We'll meet them again later. Twenty-one-year-old Bridgette Lott (right) is an outdoor type who en- 
joys softboll, track ond writing poetry. Bridgette is o psychology major with smarts to match her ambisexuol pos- 
sions: "I received a perfect score on my college entrance exam,” she boasts. Her ambition: to live in а French villa. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


a4 + 
. , 
` . 
- LI 


LI 


Model-actress Lenë Hefner (left) finds dimples, shart hair and a 
sharp sense of humor attractive in both men and women, She's al- 
so а consummate cook who hopes fo pursue с career as а chef. 


Twenty-four-year-old Jessica Bryan (above ond top right] studies business law 
in southern Califomia. "1 come from an ultraconservative family that accepts 
me for who | am," she explains. “I'm nat conservative, to soy the least.” Dutch 
fashion model Angeline Straatman (right) grew up on а farm in Zimbabwe. 
Now a New Yorker, Angeline is с feminist-activist known for her naked em- 
brace with another woman in Steven Meisel's safe-sex poster campaign. 


74 


hadn't had sex with women, my life wouldn't have improved with men,” explains Angeline Straatman, a bisexual New 
York fashion model and safe-sex advocate. “Many of the things that excite women also excite men. Why choose between 
them when [ can have both?” Hugh Hefner, an emblem of the heterosexual lifestyle, has this to say about the bi bunch: “If 


you are sexually adventurous, then I don't think heterosexuality should preclude you from trying whatever is out there.” 


Angelika Bolliger, 23 (above left), who was born in Poland, comes to America via Paris and Rome. Melissa Regal, 24 (obove right), i 
cocktail waitress in Los Angeles. "I want to become a lawyer," says Melissa, who claims she's wild about "big Jeeps, Corvettes, dalma- 
tians and horseback riding." At right, meet another equestrian: 21-year-old Renee Awakimiam, who was born іп Moscow but grew up 
in Glendale, California. When she's not in full gallop, the right man or woman might find Renee ice-skating, roller-skating or swimming. 
“1 love meeting new people,” says Renee, being careful not ta draw a gender distinction. "I just want to be in a happy relatianship. 


At left ond below, meet Anqelo Dickson, 22, who 
owns а pest-control company in Arizona. Angie 
values open minds more than any other attribute 
and aspires "to be happy, heolthy and wealthy.” 


‘wenty-three-year-old model-actress Christine Mardis (left), a native 
of Doyton, Ohio and now a California resident, is o real down-home 
woman: “I'm very close to my grandfather and the rest of my fami- 
ly,” she says, “and my little sister is one of my best friends." At right, 
we once again find our torrid trio (from left], Lené, Angela and 
Stephen. “I was brought up influenced by different idecs and val- 
ves," says Angela, whose mother is from Thailand. “And thot has 
made me what | am today: а combination of East and West.” And, 
we might add, interesting combinations are what it’s all about, 


i 


= 


HE FIRST TIME he'd heard it he 
didn't know what it was. He 
thought back to that time, those 
years ago. Was it a cannon? He 
had never heard a cannon, but he sensed 
that that was not what he'd heard, and it was 
not a gunshot, though it could have been, he 
thought, to someone who had never heard a 
gunshot, it was that sharp. Like a whip, he 
thought, the world’s biggest bullwhip. And 
he remembered how he'd stopped, deep in 
the woods, and waited and heard it again. 

It was the trees popping in the cold. Like 
something wrenched from your soul, he 
thought and smiled. Just like it was torn out 
of there. And you were free. 

He pushed on through the snow. Uphill or 


THE VILLAGE ' 


WHAT DOES A MAN DO IN E 

THE WOODS AFTER DARK? = 

HE GETS LOST. AN EXCERPT š = 

FROM THE PULITZER PRIZE- Far 

WINNING PLAYWRIGHT'S е 
FIRST NOVEL 


FICTION BY 


DAVID MAMET ` 


downhill, he thought, it doesn’t matter. The 
skis do the work. He smiled at his false hu- 
mility. No, I’m doing the work, he thought. 
Especially uphill. Who else would do it but 
me? There's no one here but me. My wife is 
not here. Nothing in my life is here except 
me. In the woods. A man in the woods. And 
if I’m strong enough to navigate in this snow, 
then I am. And there’s no further analysis 
you need 

Quite simple, he thought. 

He was following a deer track through the 
deep snow back in the woods. Blowdown I 
couldn’t get over in the spring, now I glide 
over it, he thought. Everything changes. 

He saw a tree up ahead and debated 
whether to take шоп (continued on page 88) 


PAINTING BY KENT WILLIAMS, 


' 
| 


к= Á 
ж? RU S. 
ы е 


PLAYBOYS 
FALL AND WINTER 
FASHION PREVIEW 


a briefs-to-double-breasteds look at the latest trends in menswear 
fashion by HOLLIS WAYNE 


N MATTERS Of fashion, 

women like change 

while guys take com- 

fort іп consistency. 
That's why modifications 
іп men’s clothes аге evo- 
lutionary, not revolution- 
ary. Attention to detail is 
what separates the well 
dressed from the wanna- 
bes who are trying to get 
by with last year’s looks. 
Keep these fashion fine 
points in mind as you 
check what's coming in 
the months ahead. Sw 
and sports jackets: Accord- 
ing to designer Joseph 
Abboud, the three-button 
single-breasted is the top 
seller, and it accounts for 
about 35 percent of all of 
his company’s suit and 
sports jacket sales. Con- 
sider a slimmed-down, slightly fitted style called nuova forma 
that Armani initiated in his line last spring. Also think com- 
fort and try one of the new textured-tweed jackets that are 
lightweight enough to be worn over a sweater. The six-but- 
ton, two-to-button double-breasted will replace the one-to- 
button look. The new “convertible” sports jacket that goes 
from а three-button to a five-button look with a banded-col- 
lar neckline is a style that works best on a trim man and 


when worn as an over- 
jacket with sportswear. 
Colors for both tailored 
and casualwear will be 
earth tones (especially 
brown and rust shades), 
while midnight blues and 
speckled grays arc mainly 
for suits. Fabrics will be 
more textured. Even 
your basic sincere suit—a 
conservative pinstripe— 
will have a textured 
weave rather than a flat 
surface. Shirts and ties: 
Moderate-spread collars 
are making a comeback, 
and for a good reason: 
The latest ties are being 
made of heavier fabrics, 
and the resulting thick 
knots fit a spread-collar 
shirt better. White is still 
right, but also pick up 
some plaids or checks in grays and tans to alleviate that 
Frosty the Snowman winter pallor. Sportswear: Bulky 
sweaters that hang straight at the waist are the hot look, es- 
pecially when worn with no-pleat corduroys or jeans-cut 
pants. Ошетшеат: The classic peacoat has resurfaced іп a va- 
riety of styles from bold plaids to distressed leather. Our fa- 
vorite is the shearling model by Victor Victoria shown in 
this feature. Since the price is $2250, make sure that it fits. 


Left: What's wrong with this picture? From the femcle model's viewpoint, absolutely nothing. She's looking dopper in our guy's wool six- 
button, two-to-button nuova forma double-breosted in o broken-stripe pattern, $1150, wom over a white textured-cotton shirt, $185, 
and a silk tie with a chenille overweave, $72, all by Giorgio Armani le Collezioni; plus a leather belt by Cole-Haon, $65. Whot’s o nice 
guy like this doing in nothing but a poir of button-fly boxer briefs by Calvin Klein Underwear, $17; cotton socks by Tommy Hilfiger, 
$13.50; held up by Poul Stuart garters, $18.50; and split-toe shoes by Bally, $2652 We'll never tell. Above: The clothes of day—an al- 
paca-wool bulky knit sweater with a roised diomond pattern, by John Bartlet, $460; charcoal boiled-wool jersey pants with o drowstring 
waist, by Reiss of London, $140; cotton socks by Tommy Hilfiger, $13.50; ond black pebble-grain leather oxfords by Kenneth Cole, $128. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


81 


pockets, о Hugo Бу Hugo Boss, Eas worn open overa Billion vintage: 

shiri with tortoise buttons, by Reiss of London, $125. When buttoned to the neck the shirt 
forms a banded collar. Above: This guy's paying his date the kind of lip service we like. His 
outfit: а wool-and-cashmere six-button, two-to-button double-breasted suit with peaked 
lapels, two open-patch pockets and double-pleated pants, $899, worn with a cotton shadow- 
plaid shirt, about $185, and a plaid woven-silk tie, $68, all by Joseph Abboud Collection. 


Town-and-country looks. Left: a wool windowpane- 
plaid three-button suit with a slightly shaped waist, 
51325, combined with a tattersall-check cotton shirt, 
$175, ED a silk tie, $71, all by Giorgio Armani le 
ir of boar-hide ankle boots by Bal- 
ly, $265. "Right А tipped shearling peacoat by Victor 
Victoria, $2250; wool-and-silk Fair Isle-pattern turtle- 
neck sweater by DKNY Men's, $240; whipcord double- 
pleated trousers from KM by Krizia, $80; ribbed cotton 
socks by Tommy Hilfiger, $13.50; and oiled leather 
bucks by Adam Derrick for To-Boot, $155. (His metal- 
frame glasses are by Calvin Klein Eyewear, $225.) 


Left: Calvin Klein’s version of the classic three-button—a nubby wool 
single-breasted suit with notched lapels, flap pockets and double- 
pleated trousers, $1195 (vest not included), combined with a Calvin 
Klein striped cotton shirt with с point collar, $155, and a Calvin Klein 
silk fie featuring a Windsor knot, $85. (Our model's lightweight metal- 
frame glasses are by Matsuda, 5335.) Below: Smart locks inspire a 
touch. His о а wool pin-striped three-button single-breasted suit 
with double-pleated trousers, by Hugo Boss, $725; worn buttoned up and 
tieless with an antique-striped banded-collar shirt by Vestimenta, 5195, 


HAIR BY MARCELLO BARBA AND MAKEUP BY LIA VAN DE DONK FDR TRILUSE 
WOMEN'S STYLING BY BASIA ZAMORSKA FOR MAREK & ASSOCIATES 
BACKGROUNDS COURTESY ABC CARPETS, NEW YORK 


WHERE HDW TO BUY DN PAGE 135. 


PLAYBOY 


88 


THE VILLAGE 


(continued from page 78) 


“Hell, if I didn't have a compass I could wait till 


night and see the Dipper. 


the right or left. The left had thicker 
brush, and the right was somewhat 
steeper. As he came up to it he saw that 
the deer had hesitated, too. Its tracks 
started to the right and then veered left 
through the brush. He smiled. 

Well, 1 guess we all got the same 
problem, he thought. And if you're 
taking your time, you've got the luxury 
of thought. He moved into the brush, 
going slowly, one ski, then the other, 
bending low sometimes. Ifthe deer can 
do it, so can 1, he thought. 

Then he was through the brush, and 
it was a fairly clear run through a clear- 
ing, uphill for 50 or so yards. And the 
sun was making the shadows blue. 

I could stop, he thought. Hell, I 
could stop and make tea. His body 
felt warm and good, powerful, all but- 
tocks and shoulders. Warm, now, he 
thought. He looked up the hill and 
pushed off on his skis. They stuck a bit 
in the snow, as the wax was beginning 
to wear off. No wonder, the trash I've 
had them over today, he thought. No 
wonder at all. You can't ask equipment 
to do more than is in its nature. He 
pushed up the hill, not gliding now 
but using the poles, working with his 
arms. And the most useless tool, he 
thought, is an all-purpose tool. There's 
no such thing. 

He continued up the hill and found 
himself getting winded, No point to 
stop here, he thought. You have to go in 
natural stages. And the natural stage, if 
you want to stop, is up top, at the top of 
the clearing. The snow was beginning 
again. He adjusted his belt and pulled 
his pants up. He took the red bandan- 
na from his back pocket and mopped 
his brow and neck. Always the same, he 
thought. You go out, and however 
much you know that you aren't going 
to need it, you always dress too warm. 
He tied the sleeves of his hunting jack- 
et tighter around his middle and 
pushed off, up the hill. 1 should have 
left it on a branch when [ went into the 
woods, he thought. Pick it up on the 
way home. 

Aren't humans funny? he thought. 
Make the same mistake once, twice, 
every lime in our lives we are faced with 
the same dilemma. And then we make 
up rules about how, when faced with 
certain circumstances, we should act a 
certain way. And then, when those сіг- 
cumstances arise, we find that reason 


Nothing to it." 


why the rules. . .. He got to the top of 
the rise, the top of the clearing, and 
stood panting. He maneuvered in a cir- 
cle, to bring himself around, and 
looked back the way he had come . . . 
why the rules don’t apply, he thought. 
He mopped his face and neck again. 
His arms and back were drenched 
in sweat and he found himself get- 
ting cold 

Of course it's cold, he thought. The 
sun is going down and I've been work- 
ing. People in town wonder why 
they're out of shape. There is a use for. 
everything, and our use. .. . 

And the knife, too, he thought. No 
all-purpose tool, no extra-sharp knife 
"never needs sharpening.” What is that 
but idolatry? And another part of his 
brain said, “Get home,” and he turned 
his skis, again in a half circle, and said 
to himself, “1 am not frightened. Why 
should I be frightened?” 

The deer track veered to his left, 
back deeper through the woods. Well, 
that's fine, he thought. And I was fol- 
lowing you awhile because I chose to. 
And if I had chosen differently... . 

That is the problem, he thought. No, 
no. That's the problem. Situations 
change. . . isn't that just what I. 

“You have to go home,” the voice 
said. Well, there’s no shame in that, he 
thought. I’m cold. I’m cold, for God's 
sake. Why shouldn't I be? Hard as I've 
been working, and the sun... . He 
looked back over his shoulder, as the 
woods before him had gone quickly 
dark. He couldn't see the sun above 
the trees, 

It doesn’t matter if I can, he thought, 
I'm going home. And home is just to 
my right, he thought. Just on my right 
hand. He found the words comforting 
and old-fashioned. Well, that’s where it 
is, he thought. And North Road is 
north-northeast, no better than half a 
mile, wherever I am in these woods. 
North-northeast, and I have to hit it. 
Hell, if I didn't have a compass I could 
wait till night and see the Dipper, pick 
out the polestar and walk straight 
north. Whatever is there to it? Nothing 
to it. Hell, 1 could follow my tracks 
back, he thought, though #5 going 
dark. He untied his hunting coat and 
pulled it on. It didn't make him warm. 
He buttoned it to the neck and clapped 
his arms against his body several times, 
but he felt no warmer. 


Then 1 had better get home, he 
thought. He turned away from the 
path the deer had taken and pushed 
off into the woods. There was a thicket 
before him. Well, he thought, if a man 
did not have an objective. .. . He went 
into it, vines whipping his face. But 1 
do, he thought, which is to get home, 
which is only common sense, for the 
Lord's sake. The jacket hindered him, 
and his belt felt heavy, He pushed 
through the thicket. 

Well, fine, he thought. Well, fine. He 
came out and found himself in deep 
woods that he did not recognize. 

It makes no difference, he thought, 
and thought at the same time, Woods 
are woods, and, I have never seen this 
land before. 

There was a small deer run or path 
that went through the woods down and 
to his left. 

My way is straight ahead, he 
thought, but I can make better time 
down the hill. I should do it and cor- 
rect afterward. Down the hill is east, he 
thought. East. And even east I'm get- 
ting back to the road. Certainly. He bit 
his right glove to get it off, and it came 
off his hand, lodged in the strap of the 
ski pole. He let the pole and glove drop 
to the snow and dug in his pants pock- 
et for the compass. 

Down the hill, he thought and 
looked up at the small path, which was 
darker now and difficult to distinguish. 
Down the hill. East. Ninety degrees. 
He held the compass in his palm, wait- 
ing for the needle to steady. Come on, 
he thought. He looked down at it. Yes. 
Im supposed to put it down some- 
where flat. Where could [ put it down? 
he thought. You tell me, You tell me. 
What the hell, he thought, looking 
wide-eyed at the compass. And then he 
thought that it wouldn't steady, as he 
was holding it too close to metal. What 
metal? he thought, then remembered 
the gun on his belt and held the com- 
pass out at half arm's length. And then 
how can 1 see it? he thought. But 
where should I put it down? He stuck it 
back in his pocket and stopped to pick 
up the ski pole and glove. He tried to 
get his hand into the glove and was 
hindered by the strap. I've done this 
hundreds of times, he thought. But if 
there is some reason that I cannot get 
my hand into the glove while it is in the 
strap, then. . . . He tried to work the 
glove out of the strap, holding the ski 
pole in his hand and pulling the glove 
with his teeth. 

This із... this is... he thought. He 
looked back at the woods behind him, 
which looked back. 

Well no. Im going home, he 

(continued on page 148) 


“Excuse me, but you're copulating on an endangered plant.” 


sc 


take away а LAST SPRING the 
NEL owners de- 
coach anda cided that real 


men don't kick 
bunch of key беа goals. Point 
playersfrom totals were 

down again in 


the cowboys — 1995. Еуегу- 

body blamed 
eri those skinny Eu- 
do you have? ro-style booters 


who split the 
Newhopefor uprights, put 

three on the 
the rest board and high- 
of the NFL five in the 

wrong lan- 
guage. NFL placekickers convert- 
<d a rccord-sctting 673 ficld goals 
last season, nearly a quarter of all 
points scored. Maybe they should 
do the World Cup every year, and 
keep those guys off the gridiron. 

Meanwhile, touchdowns are be- 
coming as rare as left-footed punt- 
ers—especially if you're the Buf- 
falo Bills and it's the second half 
of the Super Bowl. The owners 
couldn't flat-out give the Bills a 
point subsidy, so they went after 
the rule book instead. To discour- 
age field-goal attempts, they've 
mandated that on a miss, the ball 
will be returned to the spot where 
the boot was attempted —seven 
yards behind the line of scrim- 
mage. The number of long field- 
goal attempts will probably be low- 
ered significantly, which may well 
wind up being translated into 
more punts. Just what the NFL 
needs: more punts. 

In a further attempt to bolster 
excitement, the owners added the 
option of a college-style two-point 
conversion after a touchdown, 


The NFL's most valuable ployer, Em- 
mitt Smith, led the Dallas Cowbays" 
attack. With key members af his af- 
fensive line gane this year, defenses 
will be aiming to knock him off stride. 


PAINTING BY ED PASCHKE 


92 


DANNY SHERIDAN’S 


American Football Conference 


EASTERN DIVISION BUFFALO BILLS 
CENTRAL DIVISION . „PITTSBURGH STEELERS 
WESTERN DIVISION .DENVER BRONCOS 
WILD CARDS ..... MIAMI DOLPHINS/KANSAS CITY CHIEFS/LOS ANGELES RAIDERS 


AFC CHAMPION, e" [BUFFALO BILLS 


National Football Conference 


EASTERN DIVISION ... DALLAS COWBOYS 
CENTRAL DIVISION MINNESOTA VIKINGS 
WESTERN DIVISION АМ FRANCISCO 49ERS 

ARIZONA CARDINALS/GREEN BAY PACKERS/NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 


NFC CHAMPION ... SAN FRANCISCO 49ЕК5 


SUPER BOWL CHAMPION: 
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 


PLAYBOY'S 1994 PRESEASON 


ИШЕЕЕПТ ЕНИ 


Offense 


Troy Aikman, Dallas 
Emmitt Smith, Dalla: 
Barry Sanders, Detroit 
Michael Irvin, Dallas . 
Jerry Rice, San Francisco 
Eric Green, Pittsburgh 
Harris Barton, San Francisco 
Erik Williams, Dallas... 
Randall McDaniel, Minnesota 
Steve Wisniewski, Los Angeles Raiders 
Bruce Matthews, Houston ....... 


Wide Receiver 
Wide Receiver 


Defense 


Bruce Smith, Buffalo 
Reggie White, Green Bay 
Cortez Kennedy, Seattle 

Sean Gilbert, Los Angeles Rams 
Junior Seau, San Diego 
Seth Joyner, Arizona 
Greg Lloyd, Pittsburgh. 
Rod Woodson, Pittsburg! 
Eric Allen, Philadelphia 
Tim McDonald, San Francisco 
Marcus Robertson, Houston 


Inside Linebacker 
Outside Linebacker 
Outside Linebacker 
Cornerback 
-Cornerback 


Specialties 


Rich Camarillo, Houston....... 
Morten Andersen, New Orleans 
Raghib Ismail, Los Angeles Raid 
Steve Tasker, Buffalo .. 

Mike Morris, Minnesota 


k and Punt Returner 
«Special Teams 
Long Snapper 


which none of the coaches seems to 
like, and they decided that kickoffs will 
be made from the 30-yard line (instead 
of the 35) to promote runbacks. Nice 
try, fellas, but coaches will probably 
minimize the effect of the rule by hav- 
ing their kickers squib the ball down- 
field. As for the conversion—they can 
just ignore it. 

With all of these changes afoot, you 
have to wonder about unexpected con- 
sequences, especially in light of the lat- 
est returns on the salary cap. The limit 
this year is $34.2 million per team. This 
has been a mixed blessing for the teams 
and for the players who voted for it— 
and for free agency. Is free agency 
really free when everything revolves 
around a set payroll figure? The NFLs 
cap has caused a number of high- 
salaried veterans to take pay cuts, un- 
like the МВА, which is a soft cap that 
allows teams to spend whatever it takes 
to re-sign their own players. It has also 
forced teams to drop players they 
would have liked to keep. 

The combination of free agents and 
salary-cap victims set off an exodus. All 
of a sudden, Dallas’ dynasty has been 
shared with the rest of the league. The 
Buffalo Bills, on the other hand, held 
most of their riches, which means they 
are primed to show up for their fifth 
straight humiliation at the big dance, 
which will Le held this season in ni. 
The NFC is simply a tougher league, 
and both San Francisco and Dallas look 
like winners. ГЇЇ go with the 49ers: At 
least they still have their coach. 


EASTERN DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE. 
Dallas 
Агтопа* 
Рїйабе!р! 
New York Giants 
Washington 


“wild-card team 


Now that the Jerry Jones-Jimmy 
Johnson honeymoon is over, what will 
become of the Cowboys? No one 
knows how Johnson's absence will af- 
fect the team, but rival coaches in the 
NFC East feel his departure will allow 
them to close the gap on Dallas. Barry 
Switzer, Johnson's successor (and team 
owner jones freshman coach at Ar- 
kansas), has never presided over an 
NFL team and has been out of coach- 
ing since leaving the University of Ok- 
lahoma in 1988. But Switzer, who plays 
at being a good old boy, is very shrewd. 
In his 16 years at Oklahoma, his teams 
won three national championships, a 
dozen Big Fight Conference titles and 
84 percent of their games. He knows 
exactly what he's inherited: On his first 
day at work, Switzer announced that 

(continued on page 140) 


"It's all right, dear. It’s the plumber.” 


DESIGNING WOMAN 


miss september decorates a room 
just the way we like 


I 
{ 
‘ 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND 


ER ROOMMATE calls her Dishevelina because she 
sometimes seems frazzled by life. OK, Kelly Gal- 
lagher may spend a half hour searching her 
apartment for keys she left in the door, but don’t 
interpret that as a sign that she is losing it. Miss 
September knows precisely where she is head- 
ed. “My mother is a designer and she has her 
own business. That's my ultimate goal, to have 

у very own store.” 

And she will probably get it, along with a few other things 
she would like to have: a man to marry when she's in her 
early 30s and a farm in Montana or New Mexico where she 
can dote on animals. She might even find a new recipe to 
replace the salmon-on-corn-tortilla-with-black-beans- 


STEPHEN WAYDA 


and-goat-cheese concoction that she whips up to impress 
friends who come to dinner. 

Kelly is focused when she’s pursuing her goals. An early 
sign of her passion for interior design came when, as a child 
in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, she began rearranging the 
furniture in her home. She went on to attend the Massachu- 
setts College of Art in Boston, where she also took archit 
ture classes. Kelly worked in film production design, but 
gave that up for a more balanced life. “If I'm in а relation- 
ship, I don't want to have to go to Zimbabwe for six months. 
I like stability, That's important to me because life is crazy 
and hectic enough.” 

Now comfortably encamped in Los Angeles, Kelly has just 
finished decorating a home in the Hollywood hills and has 


1 can't figure men out,” says Kelly. “My theory is that men and wamen are campletely different creatures. It's like trying to put а mon- 
key and а pig tagether—they just don’t belang.” Still, "I like having а bayfriend. It’s always nice to have samebady yau can count an.” 


started another, two 
freelance jobs she 
landed as an aggres- 
sive self-starter. She is 
confident of getting 
others, though “I 
don't know if anyone 
is going to say, 1 want 
a Playmate to design 
my house,’ except 
perhaps a single guy 

While waiting to 
amass the capital she'll 
need to start her de: 
sign shop, Kelly 
goes to museums, 
browses in bookstores 
and enjoys yoga class- 
es, hiking and in-line 
skating. 

But she doesn't 
hang out in the trendy 
night spots. “By no 
means do I go to a 
club and drink and 
dance until two in 
the mornin; Most 
nights she slips into an 
oversize T-shirt and 
boxer shorts and is in 
bed by midnight. 

Ac this point, Kelly's 


roommate interrupts 
the interview to take a 


look at Miss Septem- 
ber's photos. She 
stares in awe. “You are 
wondrous,” she say 
admiringly. 

fou can ask any of 
my friends,” says Kel- 
ly. “I have no problem 
with my sexuality. I'm 
completely uninhibit- 
ed. Everybody has a 
body, and I want to 
show mine. God 
blessed me.” 

Kelly takes a mo- 
ment to examine the 
layout, but she’s not 
seeing photos of her- 
self. She is critiquing 
the design elements. 

he woman can't help 
it. For Kelly, it will al- 
ways be about design. 


Kelly dated а guy who 
had two dogs. She broke 
up with him, but main- 
toined her relationship 
ith his pets. “I still hove 
isiting rights,” she says. 


Undergarments ore not o big concern in Kelly’s life. “1 love lingerie, but I'd rather go aut end spend my money on a рой of 
shoes. | have ane lingerie piece that | wear ta sleep. It’s white, long and silky.” Nate to President Clinton: On the question of 
100 boxers or briefs for men, Kelly sides with boxers. "Or nothing at all. That's how | usually go. ! hate panties. They just get in the way.” 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: ^ а 


BUST: <= WAIST: Te ms: BED 
“ 


HEIGHT: aco WEIGHT: 1 


BIRTH noma ШЕ ТЕ rue № EXL Ve 2. . 
¿Jo омы MN OWN MAP VELOOSZ SIGN 


AMBITIONS: 


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Tor WO TO “A 


SAY CORA TINNA 0% Ben 


UE Mav 1 м Aimo 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


‚After trying unsuccessfully for months to col- 
lect an overdue bill, the town grocer sent an 
emotional letter to the deadbeat along with 
a picture of his young daughter. Underneath 
he had written, “Неге 5 the reason I need the 
money.” 

Aweek later, the merchant received a photo 
of a voluptuous blonde wearing a string bikini. 
It was captioned, “Here's the reason I can't pay.” 


Whats a typical Wasp ménage à trois? Two 
headaches and a hard-on. 


How can I help you?” the psychiatrist asked. 
"Its her,” the man said, nodding toward his 
vife. “For the last six months, she has thought 
а lawn mower.” 
nis is very serious,” the shrink advised. 
“Why didn't yeu bring her in sooner?" 
Ey me ar, iste mired негі 


A hiker was passing a farm when a horse 
spoke to him. “Hey buddy,” it said, “I'm a Кеп- 
tucky Derby winner and this hick farmer has 
me pulling a plow every day. Get me to a stud 
farm and I'll make you rich.” 

“The astonished hiker ran to the house and 
roused the farmer. “I want to buy that tired old 

low horse of yours," he said. “I'll give you 
$10,000 for him.” 

“He ain't worth it.” 

“But I'll buy him just the same.” 

“I can't take your money, son,” the farmer 
said. “I don't care what he said, that horse ain't 
never eyen seen a Kentucky Derby.” 


Our Washington sources report President 
Clinton has found a way to slow down infla- 
tion: Turn it over to the Postal Service. 


Charlie had been fishing on the riverbank for 
hours without any luck. He was about to pack 
it in when a man walked up and said, “What 
you need is a fishing mirror. 

“What's that?" Charlie asked. 

“Тез a special mirror you hold over the wa- 
ter,” he answered. “The fish look up, think 
they see another fish and jump out of the wa- 
ter. You just catch them and put them in a sack. 
T'll sell you one for ten bucks.” 

“OK, I'll take it,” Charlie said, handing over 
the cash. “But tell me, have you ever caught 
any with this thing?” 

“Counting you,” 


the man said, grinning, 
“four today.” 


Harvey was in bed with a married woman 
when they heard the garage door open. “It's 
my husband!” the frantic woman cried. “Get 
dressed and start ironing these,” she said, toss- 
ing a pile of shirts at him. 

Her husband strode in and asked about the 
strange man. After the. woman explained that 
he was the new housekeeper, Harvey stayed to 
finish the shirts. 

When he left the house, Harvey walked to 
the corner to wait for a bus. He was so proud 
of his escape that he related the experience to 
another man at the bus stop. 

The stranger smiled. “Are you talking about 
that red brick house over there? Hell, I'm the 
one who washed the shirts.” 


‘THIS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: 

тайио spotted in Boston: NANCY KERRIGAN 
SHOULD GET BACK ON THE ICE. SHE IS BEGINNING 
TO SPOIL. 


"Two friends became philosophical as they left 
the funeral of a co-worker who had died after 
a sudden illness. "I'd like to go out in a blaze of 
glory,” one decided. 

“Not me,” said the other. "I'd like to go like 
my Beet рашу in his sleep. Not 
screaming and yelling like his passengers.” 


Mi bine 


PARTY JOKE CLASSIC: 

hen a naive and inexperienced couple mar- 
ried, they were uncomfortable using the word 
sex, so they agreed to refer to the act as “doing 
the laundry.” This practice went on for years, 
even after they had children. 

One afternoon, the husband felt in the 
mood and sent his five-year-old son downstairs 
to ask the wife if she wanted to do the laundry. 
Fifteen, 30, 45 minutes passed. Finally the boy 
returned. “Mom said she'll do the laundry in 
about five minutes,” he reported. 

“She doesn't have to bother,” the father said. 
“Tell her it was a small load and I did it 
by hand.” 


ne a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 

please, to Party jokes Editor PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


"Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Turner, we're doing everything we can to avoid a malpractice suit.” 


ROC KI N’ WHEN FIFTEEN FAMOUS AUTHORS FORMED 
THE WORLD'S WEIRDEST BAND THEY 

WITH TH E HAD A BLAST, BECAME LEGENDS 
AND—WHAT ELSE? 

. REMAINDERS v... 500: 


By STEPHEN KING 


IN THE SUMMER of 1971, when I was 
23 and had been married less than 
a year, something unpleasant hap- 
pened to me in Sebec Lake. I won't 
say I almost drowned, because 1 don't 
know that I did. What I do know is 
that 1 gave myself a hell of a scare, 
one I still remember vividly halfa life- 
time later. (continued on page 137) 


By ROY BLOUNT JR. 


WE WERE probably the only rock-and- 
roll band that ever caught itself 
watching MacNeil/Lehrer in the bus 
before a show. I don't recall any nudi- 
ty, though I suppose I took some 
showers. As for drugs—although Al 
would occasionally hark back to an 
earlier time by saying something cool 
like, “When (continued on page 134) 


ILLUSTRATION BY WILSON MCLEAN 


By DAVE BARRY 


AS A BOY I never wanted to be presi- 
dent of the United States. I wanted to 
be Buddy Holly. 

1 loved Buddy Holly, and not just 
because he was young and famous 
and hip and wrote great rock-and- 
roll music. I loved Buddy Holly be- 
cause he wore glasses. 

1 wore (continued on page 131) 


109 


DAVID C S UNO 


avid Caruso is a master of eye contact. 

Whether playing Detective John. Kelly 
оп TV's “NYPD Blue” or just being himself, 
Caruso tills his carrot-topped Irish mug 
downward, then slowly looks up and— 
boom—you're in his headlights. This gaze of 
serene menace coupled with infinite empathy 
explains why legions of female fans (and a 
majority of the media) have anointed Caru- 
50 the sex symbol of the season. That, fine 
scripts and exceptional acting—plus the fact 
that Caruso bared his butt in the first 
episode—have helped make the latest Steven 
Bochco cop show a hit. Caruso came by his 
role after playing another stand-up cop to 
perfection in “Mad Dog and Glory.” Before 
that Caruso was in films such as ‘An Officer 
and a Gentleman” and the male-bonding 
classic “King of New York.” AL Carusos 
last-minute invitation, Contributing Editor 
David Rensin met with the actor for dinner 
at a МШор restaurant on a foggy Los An- 
geles night. Says Rensin, “Caruso ordered 
mineral water but didn’t like the taste. He 
asked for a salad but ate only two bites of it. 
By the time the pasta was served he had lost 
his appetite. As with everything else, Caruso 
worries over has food.” 


1. 


PLAYBOY: As a teenager you had a 
chance to participate in a grocery store 
robbery. You didn’t. What kept you on 
the straight and narrow? 
caruso: [Laughs] 1 don't think that 
there was any 
major crime ca- 
reer looming for 


tv's stand-up 


cop assesses неон 
the postmod- Syne по ше 
ern criminal, The wo оһег 

people who sat at 
the failures the planning 


table that night 
are no longer 
with us. They 
died brutal 
deaths ага young 


of the church 
and the 


lessons he age. What a fuck- 
ing waste. If you 

learned from know anything 
ы about criminals, 

Street fights yeu know that 
they're not in it 

and love for the money. 
They may ratio- 

scenes nalize it that way, 


but real criminals 
are in it to de- 
stroy and hurt 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY FRANK OCKENFELS it 


people. They have an agenda. Take a 
look around: Criminals no longer just 
grab handbags. They shoot people. 
They rob the store, then goback in and 
shoot the clerk. For what? They got the 
money. Criminals are angry, disturbed 
people who are looking for attention. 
Thirty years ago it wasn’t like that. The 
old rules are defunct. Public figures are 
involved in all kinds of corruption. The 
Church has lost Из grasp. People don't 
feel anything for one another any- 
more. All bets are off. In the old days 
crooks had some sense that they were 
breaking the law. Now it's an Industry 
based on hurting you. You represent 
or have something that they think they 
want—and can't have. So there's a 
tremendous desire to act out because 
they feel powerless. 

Why, when your car gets stolen, is it 
later found with the insides ripped to 
shreds? Easy. Stealing isn’t enough. 
They want to hurt somebody. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: You've become famous, in 
part. for showing your butt. Are we set- 
ting our sights too low? 

caruso: The butt thing was a media 
deal It hadn't been done before in 
prime time, so it got some attention. I 
don't think that’s why people come 
back to the show, though: “Hey, Саги- 
so did another but shot last night!” We 
should set our sights higher—maybe 
my lower back. If I never do it again, 
that's OK, too. But butts will continue. 
We do adult television and there are 
going to be love scenes. So we're just 
waiting for new butts. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: How hard do you hit the body 
makeup? 

caruso: You do a layer of body make- 
up. Then, depending on how long the 
scenes take, they'll touch you up. Body 
makeup is a weird concept. They pret- 
ty much cover it all. [ have them do the 
whole canvas, so to speak. Then, de- 
pending on the situation, my girl- 
friend, Paris, will complete the work 
of art. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Actors sometimes bring parts 
of their sexual technique to love 
scenes. Are there moves that you bring 
from home that are impossible to dis- 
guise, or that you might suspect are au- 
thentic in a screen partner? 


caruso: I agree that you can't hide who 

you are. You can attempt to manufac- 
ture certain things, but it is really about 
availability: Are you willing to material- 
ize for the scene or not? In real life, if 
you're open to making love to some- 
body, you're available to them on every 
level, every cell. You show up even 
when there's fear, insecurity, the possi- 
bility of loss or humiliation. It's tough 
to risk all that. To create that on the 
screen with a stranger, and to make it 
work, takes the same type of willing- 
ness to materialize. Otherwise it won't 
be real, 

The circumstances in the script will 
also set boundaries. Am 1 falling in love 
with this woman? Or is this a painful 
sequence because we're breaking up? 
In scenes with Sherry Stringfield, who 
plays my ex-wife, Laura, we weren't 
supposed to materialize for each other, 
and it showed. In scenes with Amy 
Brenneman, who plays Janice Licalsi, 
our characters were both willing to 
jump off the metaphoric cliff. In those 
scenes, which initially got all the atten- 
tion, there was real investment and risk 
involved. I feel fortunate to have had 
my first major love scene with Amy be- 
cause of her real courage. She just 
jumped. She was great. Amy did not 
protect herself, did not hold back. She 
did not have one foot out the door. 
That's liberating, man. Its a relief 
when you have somebody to dance 
with, because then the potential be- 
comes unlimited. When you have 
somebody who's free—man, talk about 
putting a smile on your face. All the аг- 
mor comes off and you've got a part- 
ner. I should add that this is also why 
some actors meet on a film as charac- 
ters in a relationship and then start one 
offscreen. They believe it themselves. 
They fall into it. It feels right, it feels 
comfortable, it feels exciting. You buy 
into it because you want your real life 
to be that heightened. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: You've had a couple of busted 
marriages but are now happily entan- 
gled, though not wed. What do you 
Know now that you wish you'd known 
before? 

Caruso: That I can choose not to be in 
arelationship. I didn’t know I could do 
that. I was attracted to certain situa- 
tions and a certain style of woman that 
set off familiar alarms for me, and 1 
couldn't not proceed. What I did has 


11 


PLTA Y ВО Т 


12 


been described to те as being anxious 
to rewrite the end of a particular sce- 
nario. You arc attracted over and over 
again in the hope that you can change 
the outcome. You can't. When I was 
younger, my take on relationships and 
on women was pretty narrow. My in- 
stinct was to create the ideal situation 
for myself with her, then together we'd 
live my life. It wasn't even that the rela- 
tionships were bad. I just had no idea 
what the fuck I was doing. I didn’t un- 
derstand my function and my responsi- 
bility. The great misperception is that if 
you're able to have sex, then you're 
Teady to be a father. Or that because 
you can move in with somebody, you're 
ready to be in a relationship or a mar- 
таре. What I'm beginning to under- 
stand is that it's about whether or not 
two people just get along. If you can 
have joy and have fun, and then have 
honesty as a result or in addition to 
those things, then you're really scoring. 


6. 


rLAYBOY: What's the toughest thing 
about living with you? 

CARUSO: I want things done my way. I 
know how it should be, every little de- 
tail, and I'm not good at bending to 
other people's methods. I load the 
dishwasher my own way, I do the laun- 
dry my own way. I'm working on this 
problem Hourly 


"i: 


rLavpoy: We have talked about King of 
New York with nearly all of your co-stars 
and asked them to help women under- 
stand its appeal to men. What is 
your take? 

CARUSO: It’s like an urban version of 
The Wild Bunch. Quite a few gunshots. 
A lot of testosterone. The thing about 
King of New York is the cast. For Abel 
Ferrara to put all those people— 
Walken, Snipes, Fishburne and me— 
into the same movie for a total budget 
of $8 million says quite a bit about the 
project and about the people who have 
come out of it. 


8. 


rLaypoy: Care to explain Christopher 
Walken? 

caruso: You really meet Chris Walken 
on the other side of “Action!” When 
уоште dealing with him face to face, 
Chris is kind of eccentric. He is every- 
thing but eccentric when you meet him 
on the other side. You get to grip the 
floor on the first few takes because you 
can't be prepared. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: Let's say you had access to 
NYPD Blue co-creator David Milch's 
dream state. What plot line for Detec- 
tive Kelly would you suggest? 


caruso: Eventually, he'd leave the po- 
lice force. Sometimes I flirt with the 
possibility of Kelly going into public 
life. There's a horizon beyond the 15th 
Precinct for him. But because of the re- 
sponsibility he feels, he hasn't allowed 
himself yet to dream past his badge. 
Sometimes 1 wonder if Kelly is com- 
pleting his father's life out of some 
sense of duty. Milch’s twist on it would 
be to make Kelly go through a serious 
crisis and attempt to move on and real- 
ly get to the bottom of the issue. Then 
David would have him discover that, in 
fact, he should be a police officer. He 
would choose it on his own. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: Your boss, Steven Bochco, is 
known for his eloquence and his ability 
to be elliptic. What's the fewest words 
he's been able to use when answering 
an important question? 

caruso: “Fuck “em.” 


11. 


PLAYBOY: Which episode was hardest 
for you to leave at the office? 

CARUSO: Episode 12, when Licalsi walks 
into a tavern and breaks up with Kelly. 
I was sitting at the bar and she said, 
“You can't take me back, сап you? 
Based on all of this and who you are, I 
can't come back.” Then she got up and 
said, “Rye, Johnny,” and she walked 
out. That killed me. Licalsi was there 
for Kelly at the lowest moment in his 
life, and then she made a mistake. And 
it built up over 12 episodes, which is 
like six movies. So Amy and I had this 
whole arc going, and then it crashed. 
I suddenly realized that maybe we 
would never do another scene togeth- 
er, and that was a loss. A real relation- 
ship took place on camera. As perform- 
ers we jelled, and it just went poof! As a 
result, we really were vulnerable that 
night. It's harsh. And there's not much 
I can do about it. I can’t say, “We have 
to continue this relationship or I'm 
walking off the show,” because the way 
the series is structured, these things 
have to happen. Since then we pass 
each other in the precinct house and 
stuff, but it's not the same. We don't 
work on the same days anymore, we're 
not in the same story lines. In a funny, 
sad way we truly have broken up. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: Licalsi’s mistake involved kill- 
ing two mobsters, partly as self-protec- 
tion, partly to save you. To what 
lengths would you go, if you could get 
away with it, for the ones you love? 

CARUSO: I would be willing to go pretty 
far, especially if my children were in- 
volved. 1 never have taken things sit- 
ting down. I’m not going to end up a 
victim on the six o'clock news if it's the 


last thing I do. The unfortunate part 
about our society now is that you can't 
be naive about how high the stakes are 
and how venomous the competition is. 
You have w be prepared. 


13. 


РЕАУВОУ: Detective Kelly is a stand-up 
guy. Is he a cop for our time? What ex- 
Periences equipped you for the role? 
Caruso: If he’s not a cop for our time, 
then I'm not sure there is one. I believe 
in his approach and in what he stands 
for, which is that we cannot accept that 
we just hate and are afraid of one an- 
other, If 1 know in my heart that some- 
body is being hurt or somebody's job is 
on the line, ГЇЇ never be a company 
man just to preserve my own position. 
There are those willing to go with the 
party line at the cost of anything, in- 
cluding friendships. But it’s wrong. I 
realized this when I was growing up. A 
buddy of mine, Lou Mantis, was the 
first person in my life who was really 
loyal to me and was willing to defend 
my name when I wasn't around. He 
cared for me on a deep level. A loyalty 
that transcends everything was pro- 
found to me. To know that someone's 
with you, right or wrong, is powerful 
stuff. Twenty-five years later, we're still 
hanging around. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: In Mad Dog and Glory, you al- 
so played a cop. Your big moment—the 
опе that helped land you on NYPD 
Blue—was taking on Bill Murray’s 
oversize henchman. In real life, how 
do you handle someone who's bigger 
than you? 
Caruso: It depends on the issue. If the 
guy knows in his heart that he’s wrong, 
he’s already operating from a dis- 
advantage. Not that I square off with 
people all the time—I don't seek 
confrontation and I'm not into vio- 
lence—but occasionally I've been іп 
that situation. Sometimes it's reached 
that point because the other person 
was being unreasonable or there was 
no other avenue to pursue. Recently 
there was this buffed guy at the gym 
who was not allowing other people го 
use a machine. He decided it was his. 
Finally, after standing around waiting 
for him to complete his sets, I said, 
“OK, I think you've had time enough.” 
When I confronted him he threatened 
me. He said, “You better get out of 
here or I'm gonna rock your world.” 
Quickly it became a principle thing. 1 
wasn't going to let this guy send me 
home. So 1 said, “OK, let's go. Let's go 
outside.” We did, but he decided to 
give me a lecture about street etiquette 
and fighting instead. He didn't really 
(continued on page 147) 


“Of course I had mo idea he was a hologram when I married him!” 


113 


six heads, cable 
compatibility, 
one-touch editing 
end no more blink- 
ing clacks—couch 
Potatoes, get your 
Popcorn ready 


HOW 
THEY 
STACK 
ИР 


article by JONATHAN TRHIFF 


HE videocassette recorder 
has just turned 18, and 
brother, has it grown, The 
latest models incorporate 
functions never dreamed of 
back in 1976, including the 
ability to both diagnose ills (Zenith of- 
fers this on several models) and auto- 
matically set the clock (175 Sony that 
has finally eliminated the blinking 
12:00). Pressing a button on VCRs by 
Mitsubishi, Toshiba and JVC not only 
starts the tape, but also turns on the 
TV and sets it to the channel you want 
to record. And if you've lost your re- 
mote control and owner’s manual, the 
new RCA models walk you through 
basic programming operations with a 
graphics display. Technology doesn't 
get more user-friendly than this. Fur- 
thermore, fierce competition for the 
replacement/second VCR market is 
forcing prices of full-featured models 
way down. Here’s a look at what your 
bucks can buy today—and it’s a lot. 


TURNING UP THE VOLUME 

If you're planning to mate your a 
dio and video systems to create a 
home-theater environment, then the 
central building block is a VCR with 
high fidelity stereo sound. The audio 
performance (concluded on page 146) 


Right, top to bottom: Fisher's FVH-4910 
videocassette recorder makes it easy to 
tope Playboy After Dark while you're 
watching Nightline, because it incorpo- 
rotes VCR Plus+ progromming for simulta- 
neous multichannel viewing/recording. It 
also comes with shuttle search, a knob on 
the remote conirol that lets you manipu- 
late VCR functions such as fast scan and 
frame-by-frame tope advance while 
watching the screen, $450. Model 
HR.VP710, by JVC, is a $600 VCR that 
doubles as an editing studio. Just drop a 
VHS tope into the machine and indicate 
The scenes you wont to keep, ond at the. 
touch of a button they're transferred to o 
second VCR. RCA's four-head model 
VR672HF features built-in VCR Plus+ that 
lets you record simply by punching in the 
entry code found in most newspapers, 
about $450. Go Video's 8mm-VHS VCR 
(it’s model GV8080) is a dual deck that al- 
lows you to edit and copy 8mm home 
movies directly onto VHS tapes via one- 
touch circuitry, about $1299. The M760 
VCR, by Toshibo, foaturos six recording 
heads and a “flying preamp” that deliver 
exceptionol picture quality in the extend- 
ed-play mode, $550. The Hitachi five- 
head VHS VT-S772 incorporates a Laser 
VLS device that automatically opens the 
VCR's tape door when a videocassette is 
placed in front of it, about $900. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


( m 
— сы 
a 


Dru. Па А 


ШЕШЕСІН 


Corky doesn't know what these girls 
want of him, but he certainly 
knows what he wanis of them 


—LIVED-— 


fiction by 


JOYCE CAROL OATES 


You know what this specimen is, 


| | | M MI | | honey?—a sweet ol’ Freckhead, 
1 that’s what he is. Ain’ he?” 


"What?— Freckhead'—ain' that what I said?” 

“You said ‘Freckhead.’” 

“Say what?” 

““Freckhead.”” 

"Nah"—shrieking with laughter, like she's being tickled— 
“1 never did! Never did! 'Freckhead" Never!” 

They were both teasing him, no mercy, Corky loved it. The 
gorgeous black girl giving off that ripe yeasty-plum scent, the 
wild-eyed hot-breathed white girl, one on each side of grin- 
ning-drunk Corky Corcoran in the Zephir Lounge where 
somehow they'd wound up, crowded together, arms, legs, 
thighs, even heads bumping, and Kiki's hair in Corky's face, 
and Marilee's right breast nudging Corky's arm, squeezed in- 
to one of those red leather banquettes along the vall. Practi- 
cally behind the stoned-looking combo playing—is it disco 
music from another era?—so loud Corky can hardly register 
the noise as music, only as percussive waves. The three of 
them, laughing their heads off. Howling with laughter. 
Corky's eyes leaking tears, and Marilee's rich deep-bellied 
shriek, you could tell that girl was colored without needing to 
look, and you could imagine her shrieking like that making 
love, Oh man Oh lover Oh like that Oh mmmmmmm just like 
that. And Kiki, even wilder, she’s maybe high on coke, Corky 
wouldn't doubt, and maybe Marilee, too, along with being, 
in the parlance of high school circa the mid-Sixties, wasted, 


ILLUSTRATION BY CHARLES BRAGG 


117 


PLAYBOY 


18 


smashed, bombed out of their skulls on alco- 
hol. Kiki’s got a high-pitched girlish 
giggle, all elbows and hair and rolling- 
white thyroid eyes, skinny body and 
pointed breasts inside some cheap eth- 
nic tunic top, pretty pasty-pale face 
screwed up like she’s in pain, or near to 
coming, and her rat-frizzed dyed-cop- 
per hair like Brillo wire. But Corky's at- 
tracted to her, too, not so powerfully as 
to Marilee but, yes, to Kiki, too, to both 
girls, damn right. 


‘This fantasy playing in lurid Day-Glo 
colors in Corky's head, as in one of 
those Cineplex mall theaters, is that 
these two terrific-looking girls in their 
mid-20s are going to make love to 
Corky Corcoran, who's old enough al- 
most to be their father. Yes, the per- 
vert's imagination is careening along at 
full tilt, he’s practically slavering over 
them, Marilee Plummer on his left, Ki- 
ki Whars-her-name on his right, big 
shot at the Zephir where they know his 
name and lavish tips. What the fuck 
that he’s old enough almost to be the 
girls’ daddy, he’s getting to be the age 
he thought he would never get to be, 
you never think you're going to get to 
be, old enough that almost half the 
world’s young enough to be his daugh- 
ter, Jesus! What's a guy supposed to do, 
chase alter females has age^—try to get 
it up for females his age? Shit, Corky's 
out from under that heavy bitch he 
married not even knowing she was 
three years older than him. What an 
asshole, Corky Corcoran, thinking 
himself so shrewd, such a stud, lucky 
Charlotte's a rich man's daughter and 
could tell him go fuck, I don't need al- 
imony from you. So he's a free man 
now, legally divorced and free and 
clear, nobody's husband, nobody's 
stepdaddy needing to feel guilt at an- 
other man's kid regarding him with big 
tearful eyes when he hasn't paid suf- 
ficient attention to her or slamming 
her bedroom door when accidentally— 
really, accidentally—he's happened to 
glance inside passing by seeing her half 
1n underclothes or bare-assed or just 
brushing her hair in that whiplash way 
of hers you'd think would have loos- 
ened half the hairs on her head, or 
coming out of the bathroom glaring at 
him pouty-mouthed as if knowing (but 
how could she know?—fuck, she 
couldn't) stepdaddy's going to whack 
himself off inside, the door safely 
locked, sniffing the dry-sharp smell of 
her urine the fan hasn't quite carried 
off. Free and clear and living by himself 
at 33 Summit Avenue in the prestige 
neighborhood of Maiden Vale, maybe 
these two beautiful girls would like to 
go back there for a nightcap? A night- 


cap or two? In the meantime he's cele- 
brating his freedom, American Express 
Gold Card covering the Zephir tab 
hell be stunned to discover, next 
month, the fuckers must have padded, 
overcharged him for drinks and, ass- 
hole, he'd encouraged the waitress to 
calculate her own tip, dumb you be- 
cause you love all the world, or pretend 
you do, yes but right now he does love 
all the world, his arms around these 
two great-looking girls, his scotch on 
the rocks going down smooth as if it's 
the first after a long cruel thirst and 
not, who knows, the fifth or the sixth, 
God knows. Asking these two boom- 
boom girls, “What's happier than a 
drunk pig wallowing in the muck?” 
and the girls cry out in unison, “What, 
Corky—uhat is?" and Corky says, ex- 
ploding in laughter so that drinkers at 
the bar glance around quizzical and 
smiling, hoping to get in on the joke, 
“A drunk Irish pig wallowing in the much.” 

“Ohhh Freckhead!—I mean ЕгесК-- 
head!—are you funny!” 

“Ain” he funny? Ohhh I'm gonna wet 
mah pants!” 

Marilee Plummer mimicking a 
Southern black, comical-sly parody of 
stereotyped Negro speech, purely 
good-natured, Corky thinks, and no 
malice or anger in it, Corky thinks, and 
Kiki falling in with it, a natural mimic 
too, the two girls like jazz musicians off 
on a riff. “Freckhead” veers hilariously 
close to "Fuckhead"—more squeals, 
howls—Marilee leans across Corky, 
squeezing her sizable breast against 
him, practically in his mouth as she 
slaps at Kiki, “Girl, you watch yo’ 
mouth! You white girls is all the same: 
bold an’ brazen! This gen-mun here’s 
gonna be shocked, you watch yo’ 
mouth, hear?” 

Well, hell, it is funny. At the time. 

When, a few hours earlier, he'd 
picked up these two girls—or had they 
picked up him?—at some lavish 
crammed cocktail reception at the Hy- 
att, or was it the Empire, one of those 
affairs honoring an outgoing president 
of some charity organization, or the 
50th anniversary of the Union City 
‘Arts Council, and up on the dais speak- 
ing briefly and witüly there's Mayor 
Slattery, and one or two beaming 
officers of the organization, and maybe 
a vice president from Squibb or Exxon 
announcing а $5 million subsidy, with 
much applause and cheering and 
crowding at the bar, and next thing you 
know you're slipping out with these 
two girls who call you Corky and laugh 
uproariously at your jokes, in your ear, 
driving (the white Audi, at this time? 
yes) to a favorite nightclub, a pretense 
of supper, this terrific jazz combo at the 
Bull’s Eye. Except, how the hell, you 
who've lived in this frigging city for 40 


years and boast you could make your 
way around it blind somehow take a 
wrong exit from the expressway, let’s 
go to the Zephir instead, down on 
Chippewa, it's the Zephir you really 
meant to go to anyway, why not? 

Where they know your name— 
they're always impressed. 

H'lo МЕ Corcoran! 

Good evening Mr. Corcoran! 

Thank you Мг: Corcoran! 

Thank you! 

Are Marilee and Kiki impressed, 
too?—Marilee on Corky's left and Kiki 
on Corky's right, both girls drinking 
red wine and leaning across Corky to 
whisper at each other and dissolve in 
giggles, and Corky's got his arms 
looped over both, in play, only in play, 
you can tell it's play because he's grin- 
ning his boyish-affable grin, his arm 
around Kiki’s bony shoulders as a way 
of covering for his arm around Mar- 
ilee's warm solid rich-ripe-smelling 
shoulders. The more he gets to know 
Marilee Plummer the more he's crazy 
about her, what a figure, and her hair's 
in cornrows, numberless cornrows, 
tiny braids, weird. Corky's never seen 
cornrows close up before, practically in 
his nose, and an cily-swect scent lifting 
from Marilee's scalp, must take forever 
to braid hair in such thin braids, and 
do they grease it, too?—or doesn't 
Marilee's hair require straightening?— 
she’s got so much Caucasian blood in 
her, she could almost pass for white. 
Something exotic like—what?—Span- 
ish, Portuguese. Smoky-creamy skin 
but with a texture different from Cau- 
casian skin, a thicker skin, doesn't age 
the same way, fewer wrinkles, creases. 
The way black boxers can take punches 
to the face that white boxers, poor saps, 
can't. The day of the white pro boxer is 
over forever, Rocky Marciano the last 
white American heavyweight, never 
another. “High yellow” is what Marilee 
Plummer would be called by other, 
darker blacks, and Corky's wondering, 
Is that a term whites can use, or is it 
racist, insulting? He seems to know 
that Marilee Plummer, seeming at ease 
with her white-girl friend and her grin- 
ning white-man escort, is sensitive 
about the color of her skin, as about 
her identity. God, yes. You wouldn't 
want to cross her. 

Strange how, at his age, knowing as 
many people as he does, so many con- 
nections in the Democratic Party and 
in the business sector and more gener- 
ally, Corky Corcoran has so few black 
friends. In truth, no real black friends. 
God knows, Corky's tried—he really 
has. At Rensselaer he'd known two or 
three black guys, the only ones in the 
school, and he'd gotten along pretty 
well working in the cafeteria with them 

(continued on page 154) 


“Hello, Mom? 1 got the job in the TV commercial!” 


119 


120 


SO HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW? 


for the first time, the film and tv actress recounts, in 
her own words, her charmed life and embattled love 


BY 
ROBIN GIVENS 


NCE, | MOVED 
through life 
as if I were 
on a Euro- 
pean high- 

way. I traveled fast, feeling 

secure that my lane was de- 
signed and built just for 
me. It enticed me, engaged 
me, excited me. There 
were no bumps or obsta- 
cles, no wrecks or detours. 

I knew where I was head- 

ed. I had no reason to 

think that would change. 

But suddenly, with what 
seemed like vicious, myste 
rious plotting, an obstacle 
appeared in the road. Ac- 
tually, it was more like 
a brick wall. The self- 
confidence that had given 
me so many opportunities 
had now carried me to the 
brink of disaster. 

Like a temperamental 
lover, life took from me— 
abruptly and without 
warning—the comfort of 
my predictable existence. 
Like a victim of a thief in 
the night, I had been 
robbed of all that was fa- 
miliar. And then there was 
the pain—pure, raw and 
complex. There were no 
bruises, no visible signs of 
my terror, only an inner 
trembling that would not 
go away. So I sat, shaken 
and dazed, simply watch- 
ing life pass by. I saw curi- 
ous stares with no concern, 
moving lips without voices. 
My fear was met by others’ 
fear. My longing was met 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GREG GORMAN 


by cynicism from others. 1 
was forced to face the fu- 
ture alone. 


Mike Tyson was an im- 
posing presence, yet he 
was still just a boy. He was 
handsome and he had an 
unerring sense of quality. 
This was not altogether ef- 
fortless; it was part of 
everything he wanted to 
be. But for now there re- 
mained the boy, a little 
younger than I, who had 
come a long way in too 
short a time. Although he 
still had remnants of gen- 
uine innocence, much of 
that was pushed aside by 
the emerging man and by 
the difficult experiences of 
a brief but tumultuous life. 
Some of his innocence may 
have been forced. A lot of 
it was deliberate. He had 
learned that his guileless 
displays were more subtle 
manipulators than his 
physical strength, and they 
were far more disarming. 
They had the potential to 
be more deadly. 

This weaving of man 
and boy, strength and vul- 
nerability, was not only en- 
ticing, it was electrifying. 
He smiled and relaxed. He 
liked me. It was like a re- 
union of old neighborhood 
friends who understand 
just how far from home 
they are. Our glances gave 
reassurance and comfort 
and familiarity. 

I had never had a rela- 
tionship so complete, so in- 
timate. There was never 


any uneasiness, no having to 
think about what to say or 
how to act. There was no get- 
ting dressed up, made up or 
done up. For the first time, 
being myself was easy. 1 had 
always strived for perfection, 
but I had never felt perfect. 1 
was perfect for him. 

And in the beginning he 
was perfect for me. He be- 
came my comforter, my pro- 
tector, my supporter, my sus- 
tainer. He was the strong, 
reliable, constant male pres 
ence that I was missing. He 
satisfied a basic criterion I had 
established for my relation- 
ships with men. He always 
showed up. Not only when he 
said he would but even when 
I didn't expect him and need- 
ed him most. 


I was about two years old 
when I lost my father through 
divorce. My first memory of 
him—or the absence of him— 
is of sitting in the window, 
waiting for him to pick me ир. 
My mother had dressed me in 
pretty clothes, and 1 remem- 
ber climbing onto the sofa to 
be able to see out the window. 
I waited and waited for him. 
It felt like an eternity. He nev- 
er came, and I remembered 
very little about him after that 
until I was much older. 

As the years passed with lit- 
Че contact between my father 
and me, 1 lost trust in him. I 
have never been able to heal 
that breach of trust. Afraid of 
being let down again, I placed 
few demands on any man, as 
long as he showed up. 

This standard of judgment 
can be quite stringent. How 
many men have I known who 
could not keep the simplest 
commitments? I wish my fa- 
ther had been there to teach 
me that relationships go 
beyond showing up, that com- 
mitments go beyond time and 
date and go straight to the 


heart and soul of the relationship. By being there, he could 
have helped me understand the strictest commitment— 
namely, that the person with whom we are engaged in a re- 
lationship should be concerned for our well-being, our 
growth and our unfolding, and that though they are not 
responsible for this process, they should do nothing to 
pede it. 

But if my father—the first man in my life, my first love— 
did not love me enough to keep his commitments to me, 
why should any other man? 

Although I say that commitment is important, perhaps 1 
have not really insisted on it, nor do 1 even really expect it. 1 


was never taught what it means to be loved by a man. The 
man who could have taught me best was not there to teach 
me. And for those of us who are fatherless daughters, my 
heart breaks because, until we resolve our feclings about our 
fathers, the first men in our lives, we will be disappointed 
again and again as we search for the man who will show up. 


We were practically inseparable after our first meeting. 
We were like two children who had each finally found a best 


friend as well as a partner in mischief. Discipline had always 
been important to me, but with 


(text concluded on page 130) 


him I felt free. We were wildly happy. 

Early on in our relationship, Ї һай а 
job to do in Vail. We kissed goodbye, and 
we were both sad. I left Los Angeles and 
he made the long trip back to his home 
in Catskill, New York. 

The day after I arrived in Vail, I was 
miserably sick from the altitude. [ was al- 
so miserably lonely. When he called to 
check on me, I learned that he was 
equally tormented. When he discovered 
that I was sick and somewhat frightened 
by this experience, he comforted me by 
telling me he loved me—for the first 
time. I was so sick, but ] was happy. 

As time passed, I seemed to get sicker, 
and I could barely get out of bed. The 
telephone rang. It was him again. He 
wanted to talk only for a moment, which 
was uncharacteristic of him. During that 
brief conversation, he assured me I 
would be fine and that we would see 
each other soon. We hung up, and I lay 
back and closed my eyes, hoping the 
room would stop spinning. Then there 
was a knock on the door. I felt too weak 
to answer it. When I finally did open the 
door, there he stood. 


PLAYBOY 


We slipped into our roles quickly. I 
was to be the caretaker, the stronger and 
more deliberate one. But since I was the 
woman, I also would become the wicked 
one. Perhaps circumstance, as well as 
gender, had ideally suited me for the 
role. After all, wasn’t I more sophisticat- 
ed, more worldly, better educated? 
Wasn't 1 also less a victim of poverty, less 
a victim of inner-city circumstance and, 
generally, less likely a victim? 

We often spent the night at my moth- 
ers apartment. It was far more modest 
than our own home, but that was where 
we were both comfortable and somehow 
comforted. I recall one night in particu- 
lar when even there he was having trou- 
ble sleeping. This was common when he 
was training for a fight. He would stay 
awake far into the night, hoping to be 
distracted from the obvious pressures. 
When I finally got him to relax and fall 
asleep, we cuddled close on the twin fu- 
ton. We stayed interlocked all night, as 
we did when we were at home in our 
huge bed. But on this futon I had to 
hang on especially tight to keep from 
falling onto the floor. On this fitful night 
he let ош an unfamiliar, desperate 
scream. He had dreamed that he'd been 
knocked out and had lost the fight. We 
talked aboutit. We laughed aboutit. And 
as we went back to sleep, he squeezed me 
even tighter. He was a little afraid, and I 
was more afraid. 

We were different, yet so much alike. 
‘There was one thing in particular that 
we shared: a profound and overwhelm- 
ing fear. But we also shared a common 
Teaction to our fear. It was natural for 

130 each of us to fight harder, to, as he de- 


scribed it, “turn the fear into fire.” While 
some people are paralyzed by fear, it fu- 
eled our desire. At the time of greatest 
fear—fear of love and intimacy, fear of 
trust and mistrust—we engaged in the 
fiercest battles. 

I recall him saying, “I’m not going to 
fight anymore. I am going to fight only 
you.” Maybe he was really saying, “I will 
put up a furious battle to keep things the 
way they have always been, the way І 
have grown to trust them to be. It is 
difficult for me to trust. Becoming a man 
is difficult for me, especially in the pres- 
ence of someone I love, in the presence 
of someone who thinks I'm already a 
man. How can I confide that my greatest 
fear is of failure, and that my greatest 
failure would be failing you?” 

But I was a girl with fears of my own, 
putting up a fierce battle of my own, 
Striving to become a woman, or perhaps 
not to become a woman. Yet we were 
desperately in love, with all the anxiety. 
grief, pain and torture that desperation 
brings. We had no idea that the only bat- 
tle to be waged is within each of us, and 
the victory is triumph over oneself. 


“Man, ГЇЇ never forget that punch. It 
was when I fought with Robin in Steve's 
apartment. She really offended me and Г 
went bam,” he said, throwing a fast 
backhand into the air to illustrate. “She 
few backward, іште every fucking 
wall in the apartment. That was the best 
punch Гое ever thrown in my whole 
fucking life.” 

—MIKE TYSON, AS RECOUNTED BY 

JOSE TORRES IN HIS BOOK Fire 
and Fear 


Of course, that was not his most dead- 
ly or even his hardest punch. But it may 
have been his most devastating. It was 
devastating for me because, though 
there was no permanent physical harm, 
the emotional hurt was painful and last- 
ing. І became the third generation of 
battered women in my family. The cycle 
remained unbroken. 

The punch was devastating for him, 
too, He wanted desperately to break his 
own cycle of violence. But there were 
many obstacles preventing him from do- 
ing so. As the heavyweight champion of 
the world, he was exempt from the rules 
of civilized behavior. He had been con- 
demned for his brutality in his early life, 
but then he found his way into the box- 
ing arena, where brutality was not only 
condoned but expected and richly re- 
warded. This paradox must have been 
terribly confusing to a young man strug- 
gling to establish values. 


° 
After our relationship ended, every- 


thing was crazy, out of control, upside 
down, It's been a while now, but not long 


enough for me to be comfortable with 
the memories. My mom and I recently 
went out to a movie. A good movie al- 
ways makes me feel happy, and there is 
safety and peace in the darkness. As we 
left the car and headed toward the the- 
ater, a young woman shouted at me, 
“You deserved to get your ass kicked. He 
should have killed you.” 

1 continued to walk, never acknowl- 
edging her taunts. [ felt bad for me; I felt 
even worse for her. 


Thave had childhood dreams realized, 
and I have had unimaginable night- 
mares become reality. As а result, a new 
direction for my life has emerged. 

Becoming a woman is one of several 
difficult experiences that [ must endure 
in life's journey. Nothing has caused me 
more agony. Getting acquainted with, 
and finally being comfortable with, one’s 
sensuality is complicated. It сап be езре- 
cially burdensome for a woman. Em- 
bracing one’s femininity can become 
confusing when, by virtue of your femi- 
ninity, you are under suspicion. As 
daughters of Eve, we inherit the legacy 
of original sin. We arc tempters of man, 
seducers of the world. Ultimately re- 
sponsible for all evil, we carry the bur- 
den of the fall of man. Therefore, we are 
in constant contrition, always striving to 
be absolved of its stigma. 

Like many who are oppressed, we 
struggle to distance ourselves from those 
who share our curse. We want our op- 
pressors to accept us, to love us. We say 
what they want us to say. We do what 
they want us to do. We attempt to forget 
the pain and suffering of those with 
whom we share a common oppression. 
We begin to blame the oppressed for 
their oppression. 

“What did you do to make him hit 
you?” is the question we are asked and, 
worse yet, that we ask ourselves. 
Whether in rape, battery or harassment, 
time and time again the blame is put 
back on the victim when the victim is 
a woman. Suspicion and accusation 
sometimes seem to validate mistreat- 
ment, not only in the minds of men but 
often women as well. Perhaps it is be- 
cause even now women do not like or 
trust one another the same way men do. 
On the contrary, we are suspicious. As 
women, therefore, we face a double- 
edged sword of suspicion—from our 
Own sex and from the opposite sex. 

Thave tried absolution by perfection. I 
have tried absolution by submission. 1 
have tried absolution by assuming blame 
and responsibility for others to the point 
of not taking care of myself. But rather 
than struggle to be absolved, I will—with 
an uneasy, yet mature courage—em- 
brace being a woman. 


REMAINDERS/BARRY (rud from page 109) 


“The focal point of my unhappiness was my glasses. 
Imagine how excited Iwas when I found Buddy Holly.” 


glasses, too. 1 got them when I was 
young, way before any of the other kids 
in my class. Sometimes | felt as though 
Га had them at birth, as though I came 
into the world wearing thick little lenses 
framed in plastic fake-tortoiseshell rims, 
which had been damaged somewhere in 
the birth canal and consequently were 
being held together by a little strip of 
white adhesive tape. And Dr. Mortimer 
“Monty” Cohn, who attended all the 
Barry births, had looked down at me, 
then looked up at my mother, shook his 
head and said, “I'm sorry, Marion. It's a 
dweeb.” 

Not that I am bitter. 

My point is that in those days I was not 
overly fond of myself. Low self-esteem is 
what I had, way before it was popular. 
And the focal point of my unhappiness 
was my glasses. So you can imagine how 
excited I was when I found Buddy Hol- 
ly. Here was a guy who had glasses at 
Teast as flagrant as mine, a guy who did 
not look like a teen heartthrob but more 
like the president of the Audiovisual 
Club, the kid who always ran the projec- 
tor for educational films with titles like 
The Slory of Meat. Ina word, Buddy Hol- 
ly, let’s be honest, looked like a geek. 
And yet he was unbelievably cool. 

The first song of his that I ever heard 
was That'll Be the Day. Y heard it on the 
radio, and it was the first record I 
bought, a 45 rpm costing 49 cents at the 
Armonk Pharmacy. I cannot tell you how 
much I loved that song. We had a primi- 
tive Fifties-style extreme-low-fidelity rec- 
ord player that seemed to be actually de- 
signed to scratch records, with a tone 
arm that had about the same weight and 
acoustic characteristics as a ball peen 
hammer, and a spindle that slapped the 
records violently on top of each other, as 
though it had a personal grudge against 
them. If you didn’t put a new record on, 
it would play the same one over and 
over, and that's how I listened to That'll 
Be the Day. I'd set up the record player in 
my room and get out my pretend guitar. 
Td face a large imaginary worshipful au- 
dience of cute girls and I'd sing: “When 
Cupid shot his dart, he shot it at your 
bear..." 

Words cannot describe how irresistible 
I imagined I was. 

1 was really blue when Buddy's plane 
went down. Not blue enough to write a 
374-verse, 14-hour song about it the way 
Don McLean did, but blue. 

Nevertheless, Buddy Holly, in his 
short time on h, had taught me ап 
important lesson: namely, that you 
didn’t have to look like Elvis to be popu- 


lar and attractive and cool. All you had 
to do was work hard and use your God- 
given talent. There was nothing stand- 
ing between me and international fame 
and adulation except the fact that, com- 
pared with Buddy Holly, 1 had no God- 
given talent. God had chosen to deposit 
the majority of this particular brand of 
talent in Buddy, and then he had cho- 
sen to put Buddy on a small plane in 
a bad storm in Clear Lake, Iowa. (And 
yet Fabian is still performing. Go fig- 
ure God.) 2 


I had to wait until I got to college to 
find some musical guys to be in a band 
with. 1 went to Haverford, a small all- 
male college near Philadelphia that had 
a very good academic reputation, by 
which I mean it had—this could be 
proved mathematically—the worst foot- 
ball team in the U.S. We lost games to 
Swarthmore. 

1 got to Haverford in 1965, when what 
we now call the Sixties were really start- 


1 Avow ALL 
PRONOUNS: T, 


ME, YOU, SHE, He... 


ing to explode, and everybody (except 
Bill Clinton) was starting bands with 
names like the Catatonic Sturgeon. The 
first band I was in was called the Guides, 
because we had read in some hip under- 
ground newspaper that “guide” was a 
hip underground slang term for a per- 
son who took people on an acid trip. 
Unfortunately, it turned out that no- 
body except the person who wrote the 
article had ever heard this particular 
term, so people had a lot of trouble 
grasping what our name was. 

“The Guys?” they'd say "You're 
called the Guys?” 

In succeeding years the Guides ac- 
quired new personnel and more instru- 
ments that enabled us to play at a new 
level, by which I mean louder. We also 
changed our name to the Federal Duck. 
Ме selected this name one night when 
our new bass player, Bob Stern, became 
briefly, but very seriously, concerned 
that some ducks in the Haverford Col- 
lege duck pond were in fact government 
narcotics agents. Bob Stern is now a re- 
spected dentist in New Jersey, so 1 am 
not about to suggest that the use of ille- 
gal hallucinogenic substances had any- 
thing to do with this incident. 

The Federal Duck was the best thing 
that happened to me in the Sixties (and 
a lot of things happened to me in the 
Sixties). And although Haverford is a 


131 


fine educational institution that taught 
me many important life lessons (such as, 
Never take any course that meets before 
noon), I remember playing in that band 
far more vividly, and more fondly, than I 
remember anything that happened in 
any classroom. 


РАШ ГАП ВВ CO YY 


So anyway, after I graduated, a num- 
ber of years passed, in chronological or- 
der, and I became an older person with a 
wife and a son and a writing carcer and 
a mortgage and (finally) contact lenses 
and certain gum problems and two dogs 
so stupid that they are routinely outwit- 
ted by inanimate objects. I play the gui- 
tar а lot in my office (just ask the dogs). 
It reassures me to play old rock songs. 
because I know how they're supposed to 
end, which is something I cannot say 
about anything I am trying to write. 

But diddling around with a guitar in 
an office is not the same as being in a 
band. So when Kathi Goldmark called to 
ask if I wanted to be in a rock band con- 
sisting of writers who met the tough mu- 
sical criterion of saying yes when Kathi 
called, | said yes. 

And when she called again to say that 
Al Kooper had agreed to be the musical 
director of this band, I wet my figurative 
pants. I mean, Al Kooper. The man is a 
rock icon. A giant. A defining musical 
force. A really weird guy, it turns out. 
But that is not surprising. Al has been a 
professional rock musician since his ear- 
ly teens; this is an experience that, in 
terms of social development, is compara- 
ble to being raised by wolves, except that 
people raised by wolves are more com- 
fortable in a social setting. 

Don't get me wrong: I have come to 
love Al like the older brother I never had 
(thank God). But he made me nervous 
the first day the band got together in 
Anaheim to start practicing for our per- 
formance at the 1992 American Book- 
sellers Association convention. I walked 
into the rehearsal room, and there, be- 
hind the organ, was this big, brooding, 
bearded guy, dressed in black, staring 
balefully out from the world's deepest 
set of eye sockets, looking like the leader 
of a group called Billy Goat and the 
Grufis. 

1 later realized that even when he’s in 
a good mood, Al looks like a man whose 
toes are being gnawed by rats, but at the 
time I was intimidated. 1 thought, Whoa, 
whatam I doing here, presuming to play 
guitar next to this guy, a guy who has 
jammed with Mike Bloomfield, a guy 
who was in the Blues Project, a guy who 
co-founded Blood, Sweat and Tears, a 
guy who has backed up Bob Dylan, a guy 
who has worked with the Rolling Stones, 
a guy who—and very few living musi- 
cians can make this claim—performed 
on the original Royal Teens recording 

192 of Short Shorts? 


I think all of us writers were intimidat- 
ed the first day. But Al was surprisingly 
gentle with us, listening nonjudgmental- 
ly as we'd fumble through a song, then 
offering insightful suggestions for mak- 
ing it sound better, such as: 

“Don't play so loud." 

“Don't play at all." 

“I don't think we should do this song.” 

Using this technique we were quickly 
able to develop a fairly large repertoire 
of songs that we were definitely not go- 
ing to do. We also got to know one an- 
other better and got to share our ideas 
about the craft of writing. For example, 
on our first hunch break, Stephen King, 
whom I had never met, walked up to 
me, leaned down to put his face about an 
inch from mine and said, in a booming, 
maniacal voice, “So, Dave Barry, where 
do you get your ideas?” 

Stephen was making a little writer's 
joke. He hates this question. Like most 
writers, he has been asked this question 
900 squintillion times. 

The truth is, the Remainders hardly 
ever talked about writing, and that was 
one thing I liked about being in the 
band. We spent a lot more time talking 
about issues such as the chord changes 
in Leader of the Pack, whether Elvis was 
bald and where was the most interesting 
place that anybody in the band had ever 
had oral sex. (Roy Blount Jr. definitely 
had the most interesting place, but out 
of respect for his privacy I will not dis- 
cuss it here except to say that it involved 
a trampoline.) 

After we got on the bus and started 
traveling, we hardly talked about any- 
thing except band-related stuff, such as 
where we were playing, what songs we 
were going to do, what the audience was 
going to be like, and—above all—what 
bus travel was doing to everybody's hair. 
Al Kooper had warned us about bus hair, 
which is a disgusting medical condition 
that strikes you after you have spent a 
night attempting to sleep in a bus with 
your head smooshed up ын а seat 
coated with а mixture of old hairspray, 
spilled beer and potato-chip grease— 
and your hair is relentlessly exposed toa 
bus atmosphere consisting of two per- 
cent oxygen, 17 percent nitrogen, 39 
percent diesel fumes and 42 percent 
bodily vapors. You'd be rolling down 
1-95 in some place like South Carolina 
(such as North Carolina), and you'd 
wake up at dawn, having slept for maybe 
two hours. You'd look around, and 
there, in the other seats, instead of your 
fellow band members, were these horri- 
bly deformed creatures with bloated 
faces and red eyes and green moss visi- 
bly growing on their teeth and big зес- 
tors of hair sticking straight out side- 
ways, looking like Bozo the Clown but 
with pastier skin. They'd be laughing at 
you, and you'd realize that you looked 
even worse than they did. 

A major insight that I had on the Re- 


mainders bus tour, after maybe the ninth 
straight day of getting almost no sleep 
and not eating any green vegetables ex- 
cept for the ones that come in a bloody 
mary, is that traveling rock bands do not 
have a healthy lifestyle. I believe the rea- 
son so many rock stars elect to die young 
is that, basically, it is better for their 


health. 
е 


After we'd been on the road for a 
while, the Remainders drifted into a col- 
lective, surreal state of mind that I think 
of as Bandland. Bandland was our little 
separate cocoon-bus world, whose resi- 
dents had little direct contact with the 
normal human race. We developed our 
own verbal communications system, 
which was based on saying only the 
punch lines to inside jokes. For example: 
Early in the tour, we were riding 
through New England on our way to 
play in Northampton, Massachusetts. 
We had been riding through the New 
England countryside for maybe two 
hours, with traditional scenic New Eng- 
land vistas on both sides of us as far as 
the eye could see, and suddenly our sax- 
ophone player, Jerry Peterson, an in- 
credible musician with an enormous 
hairstyle that, I believe, enables him to 
receive signals from another planet, 
looked out the window and said, quote: 

“New England. Check it out.” 

Apparently Jerry had just then no- 
ticed New England and wanted to make 
sure the rest of us didn't miss it. We all 
thought this was wonderfully funny, and 
for the rest of the trip, many dozens of 
times per day, we urged one another to 
check things out, as in: “Popcorn. Check 
it out.” And “Marcel Proust. Check him 
out." It became virtually impossible for 
any object, person or abstract concept to 
come to our attention without somebody 
urging everybody to check it out. I am 
not saying this was good; I'm just saying 
this was the way it was, in Bandland. 

And the thing is, the Remainders were 
together for only a couple of weeks. 
Some bands have been together for 
years. No wonder so many rock musi- 
cians are weird. Not that I am specifical- 
ly referring to Kooper- 

Speaking of Kooper, one of the best 
things about the tour was playing with 
him, Jerry Peterson and drummer Josh 
Kelly, the professional musicians who 
had been everywhere and played with 
everybody and who kept the Remain- 
ders from being really horrible. It made 
me feel as though I had been allowed, 
just briefly, inside a secre: and exclusive 
club. There would be times when we'd 
be onstage, playing, and I'd look over at 
Al, and he'd give me some musical hand- 
signal reminder, like quickly touching 
his hand to the top of his head to indi- 
cate that we were supposed to go to the 
“top,” or beginning, of the song, and I'd 
think: Here 1 am, onstage, getting cool 


secret hipster-musican hand signals 
from Al Kooper! I'd be so excited think- 
ing this that I would not necessarily re- 
member to go to the top of the song. 


We were not, it goes without saying, a 
very good band. Fortunately the audi- 
ences didn't expect us to be. They 
seemed to be satisfied with the novelty of 
it, with knowing that very few bands 
have novelists of the stature of Amy Tan 
singing Leader of the Pack, or have 
Stephen King singing his special version 
of the immortal teen-tragedy song Last 
Kiss, featuring such sentimental, impro- 
vised lyrics as: “I saw my baby lying 
there./I brushed her liver from my hair.” 

And no normal band has a weapon 
anything like the Critics Chorus. This is 
a group of men who make their living 
criticizing professional musicians іп 
print, so it goes without saying that they 
were, in terms of raw musical skills, 
probably the least talented group of in- 
dividuals ever assembled. 

Naturally, audiences loved the Critics 
Chorus. They loved it when respected 
critic Joel Selvin took his now-legendary 
scream solo in Lowie Louie, they loved it 
when respected critic Dave Marsh came 
ош during Теп Angel wearing a 
ketchup-stained wedding dress, they 
loved it during These Boots Are Made for 
Walkin’ when Roy Blount Jr —three-time 
winner of the coveted World's Whitest 
Man title—attempted to dance and light 
Amy Tan's cigarette at the same time. 
There was not a dry pair of underwear 
in the house. 

After we played our last gig, I had a 
hard time coming back to earth—having 
to trudge back into my office and spend 
my days staring at the computer screen 
again, having to communicate with peo- 
ple in complete sentences, having no- 
body to play music with and no audience 
to play in front of except the dogs. I re- 
alize that, for my career and my health 
(especially my hair), I had to get back to 
reality. But I miss Bandland. When you 
get to be in your 40s, heading directly to- 
ward (can this be?) your 50s, you tend 
not to do stuff like this—make new 
friends, go out and have wild adven- 
tures, risk making a fool of yourself. 

Actually, we did more than just risk 
this, but you get my point: It was worth 
doing. My advice is, if you are, like so 
many people these days, getting older, 
and you get a chance to do anything like 
this, you should. I’m not talking neces- 
sarily about being in a band; Pm just 
talking about doing something that you 
have no rational business doing, except 
that you always wanted to. That's a good 
enough reason. That’s the best reason. 
Because life is pretty much finite. I bet 
Buddy would tell you the same thing. 


Have you asked for a Jack Daries lately? | not, we hope you wil sometime scon. 


SCIENTISTS USED TO SAY you couldn’t 
make charcoal in the open air. Lucky we never 


heard them. 


We've been making charcoal to mellow our 
‘Tennessee Whiskey since 1866. The secret is 
using hard maple wood, and just the right touch 
with a hose. Instead of ash, like the 
scientists said we would get, our 
rickers get charcoal every time. Men 
from up at the university have been 
impressed by our methods. Though 
a sip of Jack Daniel’s, we believe, 
is all the research they ever needed. 


SMOOTH SIPPIN’ 
TENNESSEE WHISKEY 


Tennessee Whiskey » 40-43% alcoho! by volume (8086 proof) = Distited end Bottied by 
Jeck Daniel Distillery, Lem Motlow, Proprietor, Route 1, Lynchburg [Pop 361). Tennessee 37352 
Placed in the National Register of Historie Places by the United States Government. 


133 


REMAINDERS/BLOUNT (continued from page 109) 


“I have abused three different substances (four, if you 
count sausage patties) with country-music immortals.” 


PLAYBOY 


does this effect take stuff?”—it was pre- 
dominantly a natural-high tour, except 
for beer, occasional beta blockers and the 
inevitable natural lows. 

Furthermore, the only intellectually 
honest answer to the question “Did you 
inhale?” is surely “Oh, man, just then, 
when you said that, you know? It was 
like—wait a minute, wait a minute . . . 
this is so .. . I could actually see... your 
lips . . . forming the words.” 

Either that or “I don’t remember.” 

But I must have. Inhaled. Some kind 
of fumes must have seeped into the 
crew’s RV from a passing time machine 
or something, and in an unguarded mo- 
ment I must have inhaled them. 

Because it is not just my lingering 
sense of rock-godliness (the after-halo, if 
you will) from an evening in concert, nor 
is it just the ongoing effects of the bottle 
of dark rum that the crew and I scored 
some hours ago from a friendly D.C. 
barmaid, that I am feeling at four in the 
morning hurtling down the interstate 
between Washington and Philadelphia 
at increasingly excessive speed in the RV 
with the side door open—and Monse's 
entire body is leaning out over the blur 
of the pavement, and he is magically 
(well, it’s a natural function, but every- 
thing seems more magical than usual) 
making water, and I am holding him by 
the belt with one hand, and what am I 
doing with the other hand? Holding on 
to the RV, I suppose, or to the rum, or to 
Hoover. It all has to do with our becom- 
ing blood brothers. 

Mouse looks like Cheech. Hoover 
wears plaid Bermuda shorts and wildly 
patterned shirts whatever the weather. 
They are the only thing cooler than mu- 
Sicians: roadies. 

Lam 51 years old. 

I am doing this because I can't sing. 


Now, months later, I am listening to 
Land of 1000 Dances. 1 stop writing—stop 
thinking, indeed—to sing along. I still 
can’t get all the na-na-na-na-nas right. 

I just can't. I have tried and tried. 
Along about the Ith na, I am naing 
when I shouldn't or else not naing when 
I should. Every time. This was also true 
when I was up there in the thick of the 
Remainders in front of hundreds of pay- 
ing customers. Not naing when others 
all around you are naing is not so bad. 
Naing when all others are between nas, 
however, drives a stake into the soul. 
There is nothing quite so naked as a soli- 

134 tary, trailing, insupportable, resound- 


ingly wobbly na hurled allalone through 
a loop in the rhythm into a mass of wrig- 
gling communicants. 

I am by no means altogether L7. (Al- 
though, to be sure, I did not know the 
meaning of the term until 1 asked about 
it during rehearsals of Wooly Bully.) 1 
have spent a night in the room where 
Bessie Smith died, I have abused three 
different substances (four, if you count 
sausage patties) with country-music im- 
mortals, I have shaken hands with Ray 
Charles (he feels up your forearm if 
you're male, on up further otherwise) 
and I can hump and write verse that 
scans. You'd think I would be better than 
1 am at musical things. But I’m not. 

I believe І can listen to it as well as the 
next person (assuming the next person 
is not a musician or a rock critic), espe- 
dally in а car (ideally, the next person 
has her bare feet on the dashboard and 
her skirt hiked up to get the good of the 
АС, and we're tooling along down a back 
road eating ribs). I love to watch good 
dancing as long as there is any pelvic 
thrust to it or it's Fred and Ginger or 
somebody who can jump really high. 

If 1 am drinking and sweaty and the 
floor is fairly crowded and nobody ex- 
pects, you know, steps—hell, ГЇЇ get out 
there and dance, too. And yet after [ 
danced onstage іп Anaheim—well, let 
me say that I don’t know why I danced 
onstage in Anaheim. It wasn't premedi- 
tated. After the show, somebody—I for- 
get who, now—said to me, as if it might 
be something I'd get a kick out of hear- 
ing, he said to me: “Dave Barry says you 
are the world’s whitest person.” 

Таш sensitive about my race. Once, at 
a party for a Spike Lee movie, a man 
looked at me and said, “So this is a real 
Caucasian,” and I decked him. Or I 
would have, if he had been white and if I 
hadn't realized that what he'd actually 
said was, “So, this is a real occasion.” 

What I came back with—when in- 
formed that Barry regarded me as a 
flaming whitey—was, “That's the pot 
calling the kettle. ...” And then I tried 
to improve on that in my mind. “That's 
the sepulcher calling the golf ball white” 
was the best I could come up with on 
the spot. 

1 have to admit that Dave is one of 
many Americans who have—in the mu- 
sical sense—more rhythm than I. There- 
fore he is, in that limited sense, more col- 
orful than Г. He can play a musical 
instrument and he can sing. According 
to Kathi, he is even an excellent dancer. 
I venture to say he is no James Brown, 
nor even any Dionne Warwick. But, OK, 


when it comes to dancing, when it comes 
to singing (as opposed to when it comes 
to eating, say—don't get me started on 
sweet potato pie), compared with me 
Dave is a fucking rainbow, I guess, OK? 


The nub of the issue is that I can't do 
the na-na-na-nas. And if you can't do the 
nas and you're in a rock-and-roll band, 
you have to compensate somehow. 

It helped, of course, that I was a mem- 
ber of the Critics Chorus. Ordinarily the 
function of a music critic is to remind 
people that a show is supposed to be 
good. The role of the Critics Chorus was 
roughly the opposite. At about the time 
when the audience was beginning to 
think, Hmm, this band isn’t all that 
bad—so why isn't it good?—we of the 
Chorus would come out and drop our 
trousers or erupt into an even-more- 
cacophonous-than-might-have-been- 
expected rendition of Louie Louie, and 
the audience would relax and think, 
Oh, that’s right, these are just authors. 

Even amid the Critics, however, I felt 
insufficiently harmonious. [ will never 
forget the moment right in the middle of 
our Bottom Line gig—between chorus- 
es, in fact, of Double Shot (of My Babys 
Love)—when Joel Selvin turned to me 
and said, “Thereare notes in there,” and 
went so far as to hum them to me out of 
the side of his mouth. I actually did get 
the timing of “It wasn’t wine that [ had 
too much of” pretty-darn-near right, 
quite often. But notes? 

I will also never forget Mouse and 
Hoover testing the sound in Atlanta, 
Mouse going "two"—not “testing, one, 
two,” but rather, in this really cool way, 
just "two"—and then saying, “Can you 
hear me?” and Hoover answering in 
the affirmative, and Mouse responding, 
“Well, we better do something about 
that—this is Коуз mike.” 

My pipes aren’t the worst of it. Well, all 
right, they are. But my singing wasn’t 
the only thing that made me feel out 
of place. The other thing was this: Not 
only am I no singer, I am also no rock 
critic. 

Now I dare say that few people 
around the world are kept awake at 
night by the anguish of not being a rock 
critic. But how would you like to have it 
on your conscience that you once tried 
to pass, in public, as a rock critic? 

Then there was the audacity element. 
I can imagine being a wild Lester Bangs 
kind of rock-crit writer (I would call my 
posthumous collection Horseshoes and 
Hand Grenades), but when Dave Marsh 
came out in his bustier and wig, with 
ketchup all over him, and I looked at 
him openmouthed, he said, “I can see 
we have different ideas of rock and roll.” 

Do you realize how uncool it is for one 


rock critic to look at another one—for 
anybody to look at a rock critic—open- 
mouthed? 

Fortunately, my primary role in the 
band was not musical. I was the emcee. 1 


introduced us. 
e 


Have you ever walked out onto a stage 
and looked down at several hundred 
low-groaning, garnet-eyed, transcen- 
dence-hungry, brewski-swilling music 
lovers who are tentatively hunching in 
place, emitting soft little judgment-re- 
serving yips, wearing FASTER, PUSSYCAT! 
KILL! KILL! Tshirts, teetering back and 
forth on the cusp between flat line and 
frenzy and counting on you to make 
them commence flinging themselves 
about like cartoon animals and yelling 
the yells of rebel angels and screaming 
the screams of Mrs. Bobbitt throwing 
away her husband's penis—and your job 
is to say a few explanatory words? 

“Hey! It is true that we are writers. 
But this is not going to be a literary ex- 
perience. In a literary experience, you 
are not even supposed to move your lips. 
We want you to move everything you've 
got! We are tired of being writers! We 
are here to kick ass! Waaaaaa! 

“But first [Note: This was a tricky 
segue] let me waaaaaa tell you—hey, 
waaaaaa—about this band. We may not 
look like we can even read anymore, but 
that 15 because we—hey, waaaaa—OK, 
we may not look like it, we hope, but we 
are а bunch of authors. Hold on! 

[“1 ег go, come on,” the band is mut- 
tering behind те.) “Now! At last! It's 
time to give it up! Turn it loose! Suspend 
your credibility! For the Rock [here I 
made a fist] Bottom [here I did a bump] 
Re-mainnn-derrrrs!” 

And we swung into Money 

And sometimes I came in at the right 
time on “That's . . . what I want!” And 
sometimes I didn’t. 

Even when I went out to light Ату% 
cigarette on These Bools Are Made for 
Walkin’, 1--мей, Y think 1 cringed and 
cowered like a champ, frankly. But I 
could never get down exactly which 
verse it was that I was supposed to go out 
and start cringing and cowering on. 


So, see, what I had to do was, I had 
to outflank all the musical people. I 
announced that I would hang out with 
the crew. 

Hoover and Mouse both live in East 
Los Angeles. They work with Carole 
King and Jackson Browne and Los Lo- 
bos and Crosby, Stills and Nash. 

“Hoover is a god” is what Dave Barry 
said about him. Hoover’s real name is 
Chris Rankin. His father is the rocker 
Kenny Rankin, Hoover has been on the 
toad since he was 13. His mottoes include 


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СВЕТЫ PHOTOGRAPHY вт. r 2 PATTY BEAUOET. ANOREW COLOMA. CAVIO GOODMAN, SUZANNE KEATING. KEVIN LYNCH, 


135 


PLAYBOY 


136 


"I'm easy but I'm not cheap” and “You 
can't miss a wake-up call if you don't 
go to bed.” He was officially the sound 
mixer and stage manager. “Hoover's lift- 
ing board DATs,” someone technically 
versed would say, and we author-rockers 
would say, “That is so cool.” 

We knew we were cooking pretty good 
when we would look over at the board 
and Hoover would leave off mixing us 
(‘polishing the turd” is how he put it) 
and start dancing. Or he could mix and 
dance at the same time. 

I guess it was in Boston that Hoover 
came leaping onto the bus—he tended 
to bound, like Tigger in Winnie-the-Pooh, 
only in a cool way—and cried: "To- 
night—the second set—that was the shit, 
man!” And leapt off. 

“Is that good?” said Dave Barry. (Dave 
Barry the arbiter, you may recall, of non- 
Caucasianism.) 

"Yes," I said. You don't say (this is per- 
haps one bit of useful knowledge that 
the reader can carry away from this es- 
say), “That was some good shit.” Not 
anymore. You say, “That was the shit.” 

“vs so hard to keep up,” said Barry. 

Yes. So it is a good thing that some- 
body was bold enough to ride with 
the crew. 

Mouse's real name is Danny Delaluz, 
but he is said to have a passport in the 


name of Mouse. He was officially our 
drum-and-keyboard tech. Personally 1 
feel that Mouse was—what is maybe 
even cooler than a god?—an oracle, 
maybe. Mouse would say, "You guys 
have become the best touring garage 
band in America," and we'd say, "Oh, 
gee, thanks, Mouse, really?" And he'd 
say something afhrmative, perhaps in 
street Spanish, and then a little later 
we'd start trying to imagine a touring 
garage, and we'd wonder. 

Just before we went onstage that night 
in Miami, I had noticed a great-looking 
young woman at the stage door, and 1 
said to Mouse: "Get that girl for me." 

Kidding, you know. Doing a mock- 
rocker number. 

"The next thing I knew, there she was. 

"Here she is," Mouse said. 

“I, иһ... ," I said to this extremely 
smashing young person of roughly one- 
third my age. Younger than my daugh- 
ter, she stirred in me Oedipal feclings: 1 
was afraid that somehow or another 1 
was going to wind up putting her 
through college. 

She looked baffled. 

“What did you say to her?” Al asked 
me later. 

“Well, I... tried to be nice to her." Al 
burst into satanic laughter. 

Mouse had once worked with a band, 


“This good-luck charm, effendi, will protect your 
data bank from hackers.” 


he said, that would divide the dance 
floor into a grid. Then a band member 
would say, “Blonde, B-4,” and Mouse 
would get her for that member. 

Well, hey, she was with somebody else. 
I dare say Mouse would have had him 
thrown from a speeding RV for me, but 
I didn’t want to impose. 


Anyway, I did hang out with the crew 
some. 1 interviewed our bus driver, Dave 
Worters, who drives for Aretha. Dave 
Worters—this doesn't have much to do 
with rock and roll, but Г found it inter- 
esting—told me about bachelorette par- 
Чез. A group of young women will hi 
him and the bus for four hours, during 
which time they will drive around to 
their friends’ houses to show off the bus, 
and they will stop by a liquor store, and 
then the women will go into the back of 
the bus and Dave will cruise up and 
down the interstate while they try on lin- 
gerie for one another and sing and gig- 
gle and flash truck drivers. Bachelorette 
parties. 

lam losing the beat, aren't I? Ма... 
па-па-па—по, na-na, na... - 

I'm winding it down, I'm rag-ending 
around, I'm putting off the climax, 
the final naaang, n'naang'nang, ng'ng- 
ng'eceng п'папр'ссссссгапр'п'папр'- 
nggggg...b'dum womp. The revelation 
1 had in the crews КУ. 

Whoomp, here it is. The most aston- 
ishing thing that happened in the RV 
was this: After I held Mouse out over the 
highway by the belt, it was my turn to be 
held out over the highway by Mouse, 
and hey, maybe I can't sing, but 1 will 
usually do something crazy. Maybe 1 
won't do it right, but I will take a shot at 
it. But I just said no. I didn’t need to pee, 
I said, which was true, but that wasn't 
it—I probably could have peed, if Га 
been in a doctor's office. 

It wasn't that I didn't trust Mouse, ei- 
ther. Mouse's sense of humor was subtler 
than letting me splat facedown on the in- 
terstate at 90 miles an hour: 

No, the reason I declined to round out 
the blood-brother rite with Hoover and 
Mouse was this: Right there in the crew's 
RV, on my once-in-a-lifetime rock-and- 
roll tour, only hours after surging 
around onstage inside the music (it's a 
wonderment, being up there in the mid- 
dle of the music, like being inside a for- 
est fire that you're helping, however 
modestly, to spread—and you're actually 
working with someone who has a soul 
patch, not to mention the author of Mys- 
tery Тит and a sinewy bewigged Chinese 
woman with a whip), I came to this truly 
weird realization: that I could imagine 
being—and living with being—51. 

Na. 


REMAINDERS/KING (штеп page 105) 


“I was afraid of having а big accident onstage, the 
kind you can’t blame on megadoses of amoxicillin.” 


Panic almost swallowed me then, and I 
remember how that felt, like a hand that 
was squeezing not my heart but my 
head. It was suddenly all too possible to 
imagine trying to call for help and get- 
ting nothing but a mouthful of cold Se- 
bec Lake water for my pains... and 
finally sliding under. The thought of 
drowning in full view of people too pre- 
occupied with their sunburned hides to 
notice gave the idea such credibility that 
it took all the will I possessed to start 
swimming for shore instead of scream- 
ing for help. Now, all these years later, 
one idea remains clear about that inci- 
dent: ЕТ had screamed for help I would 
have panicked. And if I had panicked, I 
really might have drowned. 


This memory came back to me at 
around eight o’dock on the evening of 
May 28, 1993, while I was holed up in 
опе of two incredibly grotty backstage 
bathrooms at a honky-tonk Nashville 
night spot called 328 Performance Hall. 
I was at that moment having no esthetic 
problems with the decor, which could 
best be described as Early American 
Graffiti. because beggars can't be choos- 
ers. [had a case of raging dysentery and 
was at a point where even an ugly bath- 
room looked like the Doges’ Palace. 

My bowels had been purging them- 
selves for the past 12 hours or so, and at 
eight o'clock, an hour before showtime, 
they had gone into overdrive. And there 
1 sat, with my pants around my ankles 
and my guts somewhere up around my 
Adam's apple, listening to the warm-up 
band thunder through the cheap ply- 
wood walls (which had been painted 
Pepto-Bismol pink, a color I could 
strongly identify with) and thinking that 
in 50 minutes or so I might possibly be- 
come the first best-selling novelist ever 
to have an accident of the shit variety 
while onstage in Nashville. It was the 
kind of situation that is amusing only 
months or years later, when you can tell 
funny stories about it (as I suppose Iam 
doing, or trying to do, now). At the ume 
it’s happening, it’s embarrassing, debili- 
tating and just downright grim. The sum 
total is a feeling similar to the one a per- 
son gets when he realizes he has swum 
out beyond his depth. 

The 328 Performance Hall accommo- 
dates 1000, and the Rock Bottom Re- 
mainders had been told to expect most 
of the seats to be filled by showtime. 
Most were filled by eight o'clock, judging 
by the sound, except no one actually 


sounded seated, if you know what I 
mean. From my own seat in the little 
pink room, it sounded as if the people in 
the audience were on their feet and 
boogying, letting off a week's worth of 
steam and giving cut with those big old 
mid-South yeehaws. Since slipping їп, 
we'd heard the crowd accelerate past 
happy, past tipsy past drunk, past 
loaded. Total euphoria seemed in reach 
for most of them, and you didn't have to 
see them to know they were reaching. 
“They did not sound like people who had 
come to see a bunch of authors pretend- 
ing to play music; they sounded like peo- 
ple who had come expecting to see real 
musicians kicking out real jams. All at. 
once I was scared to death, and not of 
having a little accident onstage, either. I 
was afraid of having a big accident on- 
stage, the kind you can't blame on mega- 
doses of amoxicillin. 


"That thought led me directly back to 
Sebec Lake. To take my mind off the 
memory of that scary swim—it was not 
the sort of thing I really wanted to be 
considering 45 minutes before going on- 
stage to do what God never really 
equipped me to do in the first place—I 
began looking at the pink walls of the 
modest little shithouse where I was cur- 
rently enthroned. 

None of the graffiti was as good as Al 
Kooper's favorite, seen on the ceiling of 
а Los Angeles dressing room—pocs 
FUCK THE POPE (NO FAULT OF MINE)—and 
none quite lived up to the Zen charm 
of one I once saw in the men's room of 
the Hungry Bear in Portland, Maine— 
SAVE EUROPEAN JEWS, COLLECT VALUABLE 
PRIZES—but there were some damned 
fine ones, just the same. My favorite was 
dead ahead, written on the back of the 
bathroom door, and exactly on a level 
with my eyes as I sat there 1500 miles 
from home, sick as a yellow dog and 
wondering how I ever could have been 
mad enough to let myself in for this in 
the first place. This graffito, as ominous 
as it was clever, said: 654/668: THE NEICH- 
BORHOOD OF THE BEAST. 

Beyond my current place of refuge— 
and separated from me by just one cur- 
tain and two or three thin walls—the 
crowd let out a big drunken hooraw. 
‘The neighborhood of the beast. | had an 
idea that that was just where I was. 


About five months after the tour was 
over, our musical director, Al Kooper, 


sent me a tape of his new album, Rekoop- 
eration, along with a request that I con- 
sider doing liner notes for it. When [ 
talked with him on the phone after my 
first listen-through, I mentioned that my 
favorite cut was a soulful blues tune 
called How'm I Ever Gonna Get Over You, 
written by Al and featuring Hank Craw- 
ford on alto sax. 

Al laughed. “Yeah.” he said. “We 
played like men on that one." 

Although that was all in the yet-to-be 
when we arrived for our Nashville sound 
check at 5:00 р.м. on the 28th, I think I 
understood even then that we might 
have to play like men—and women— 
just to get out of 328 Performance Hall 
alive. 


Outside the little pink room there was 
a sustained burst of applause and a lot 
more of those testosterone-fraught mid- 
South yeehaws. Just as the noise level 
started to fall off a little, there came a 
knock at the door of my refuge. It was 
Kooper. Exhibiting his usual charm, tact 
and compassion, he inquired if 1 had 
fallen in. 

“No,” I said. 

"You OK?" 

“Yes. On my way out.” 

“Good, because we go on in ten 
minutes.” 

1 got up, washed my hands (you don't 
have to spend 20 years on the road to 
know washing your hands after using 
the toilet in a place like 398 is a good 
idea; you'd shower if you could) and 
generally set myself to rights. Then 1 
went out. 

When I realize that I'm actually going 
to go on in front of an audience, no 
backing out, I always get a buzz in my 
stomach that feels like a hot electrical 
wire. Its not an entirely bad feeling—ir's 
the sort of feeling you could get addict- 
ed to, in fact. I got a jolt of it right about 
then and my thoughts returned briefly 
to that long, long swim back to the beach 
at Sebec Lake. Here we go again, I 
thought. Then I realized the weirdest 
thing: Sick stomach or not, scared or 
not, I was really happy. 

There were two dressing rooms back- 
stage at 328, both full of band members 
and circling folks with backstage passes. 
In one of them I spotted Kathi, Barbara, 
Ату and Tad—they were always easy to 
spot in their glitter-gorgeous Remain- 
derette evening dresses. In the other 1 
saw Dave Barry and Roy Blount Jr. talk- 
ing to acadre of fellows who looked both 
smart and pretty well squiffed. 1 decided 
they were probably college classmates of 
Roy's. He went to Vanderbilt, this was 
reunion weekend and it looked to me 
like every mother’s son of them had de- 
cided to drop over to Fourth Avenue to 
watch Ole Roy (that's what most of them 
called him—Ole Roy) do his thing. 


Whenever I saw Roy, a line from Bob 137 


Dylan's song about Hurricane Carter 
popped into my head: “Reuben sits like 
Buddha in a ten-foot cell.” Beyond Ole 
Dave and Ole Roy, Ole Jerry was sitting 
like Buddha in a 16-foot dressing room, 
and I sat down beside him. 

“How you doing, Steve?” Jerry asked. 
“Heard that you were having some 
problems.” 

“Everything came out all right,” I 
replied, straight-faced_ 

Jerry pondered this for а few seconds, 
then laughed. “Good one, man, that’s а 
good one. Came out all right, huh? I can 
dig it. 

"Yeah." 

He looked around. "There are a lotta 
people, man." 

“Yeah.” 

“You ready for this?" he asked. It oc- 
curred to me that people had been ask- 
ing me variations of that question ever 
since we arrived for sound check. 

“Yeah,” I said. “I think I am." In fact, 
1 was starting to feel ready. At some 
point on evenings like that, a benign 
craziness settles into my heart, and I 
start being glad I am where I am, even if 
it looks like what I'm facing is going to be 
a tough sell. Especially if it looks like it’s 
going to be a tough sell. 

“Great,” Jerry said. “Because this one 
ain't a book party. Tonight we're going to 
have to play our way out.” 

I thought that over, then nodded. 
“Good.” 

As if on cue, Bob Daitz poked his curly 
head in through the door. “Ladies-zun- 
gennlemen!” he announced brightly. 
“Showtime in five little minutes! Guests 
should be leaving!" 

Five minutes later—those last five 
minutes always passed so slowly, I re- 
member that vividly—the lights in front 
went down and Ole Roy strolled out to 
do his introductions. When the spotlight 
hit him, a big cheer went up from his 
Vanderbilt rooting section. At the same 
time, my stomach gave another twinge. I 
suppressed it, made believe I'd never 
felt it. It was too late for another visit to 
the pink room. We had reached that 
point in the evening where whatever 
happens, happens, and that’s always sort 
ofa relief. 

‘There was a tap on my shoulder. I 
turned and saw a bouncer roughly the 
size of Godzilla. 

“Break a leg,” he said. The time for 
conventional good-luck wishes was past, 
a fact that even the bouncers knew. Be- 
yond the curtain, Ole Roy was asking the 
crowd how they were doing, eliciting 
war whoops and foot stomping. 

“My friend,” I said, “I'm going to try 
to break both of them.’ 


PLAYBOY 


Тһе first tune at every show was the 
138 old Barrett Strong classic, Money. In 


Nashville, Al counted off Money slower 
than usual, and I thought the number 
dragged a little. In fact, I thought they 
all dragged, until we got past Susie-Q and 
I noticed that the audience wasn’t hav- 
ing any problem. That was when I real- 
ized that, instead of dragging, we were 
punching the hell out of the material, re- 
ally Killing it. 

Even the vocals sounded good. At 
some point on the tour, maybe іп D.C., 
Al Kooper had remarked that the 
biggest problem with the Remainders 
was that no onc could really sing. Until 
the gig at 328, there was a tentative qual- 
ity to a lot of vocals, an I-can't-believe- 
Y'm-doing-this-outside-the-shower qual- 
ity. Until Nashville, the vocals never got 
near the band’s improved instrumental 
capability. But that night at Performance 
Hall they did. The audience knew; as 
Tad Bartimus finished up a potent ver- 
sion of Chain of Fools, they were clearly 
knocked out. Wherever my bouncer 
buddy was, if he was listening, he must 
have been pleased. 

Maybe he was even dancing—a lot of 
people were that night. Nashville was 
the only gig where Kathi Goldmark was 
really successful in getting people on 
their feet and moving to the old Dovells 
tunc You Can't Sit Down. And once they 
got up, most of them really couldn't 
seem to sit back down. They were loud, 
they were boisterous and they were get- 
ting offon what we were doing. When Al 
dropped to his knees, took someone's 
empty long-neck beer bottle and started 
using it ro play slide guitar on Who Do 
You Love, the whole place went up. 

Nashville was a slower-paced show 
than any of the ones before it (or the Mi- 
ami Beach gig that followed it and ended 
the tour), but it was also sharper and 
more confident. Some of the most po- 
tent numbers in our repertoire, it 
turned out, were numbers that played 
broadly, for comedy: Amy Tan wearing 
S&M rig and doing These Boots Are Made 
Jor Walkin’, Amy and the Remainderettes 
doing Leader of the Pack, my version of 
Last Kiss and the crazed Teen Angel duet 
that Barry and I developed more during 
performances than at rehearsal (I dont 
remember Al ever calling for Teen Angel 
at a sound check—I think he was afraid 
it might get stale). At the Nashville show 
1 got the feeling that none of us were 
very amused any longer by these bits, 
but the audience seemed to be getting a 
big kick out of them. 

Nashville was the night it all worked, 
in other words. Nashville was the place 
where all of us, ladies included, played 


like men. 
. 


There is a distressing trend іп Ameri- 
can life right now, a movement so strong 
it's almost tidal, to turn talented people 
into famous people and famous people 


into celebrities—or just “celebs.” 

Once you become a celeb, two things 
happen to you. The first is that you find 
you have forfeited your right to be a 
proper stranger. Celebs apparently have 
a duty to be everyone's friend. Michael 
Jackson becomes simply Michael. Eli- 
zabeth Taylor becomes Liz. Arnold 
Schwarzenegger becomes Arnie. The 
second thing to happen is that you find 
you are forbidden to transcend the pub- 
lic’s perception of you. Once a hamburg- 
er, always a hamburger, the unspoken 
creed goes, and if you dare to pretend 
that you're broccoli, we'll beat you half 
to death for being pretentious and 
egocentric. 

If talented people really were just 
celebs, there would be no excuse at all 
for a bunch of writers to tear off on a 
tour bus and become the Rock Bottom 
Remainders—the whole thing would 
have been an exercise in late-20th-cen- 
tury hubris. The truth is, however (just 
let me remind you in case you happen to 
be one of the millions who seem to have 
forgotten), that talented people are real- 
ly just people—they eat, they sleep and 
sometimes they have stomach and bowel 
problems when the antibiotics get to 
them. For me, the Remainders weren't 
about being famous, getting seen or pro- 
moting the new book (I didn’t have a 
new book, which was why I was able to 
go out and play in the first place). The 
Remainders were about going back to 
the beginning, doing things the hard 
way, taking some risks and trying to 
make them pay off. 

It was about finding out if I could 
manage to learn some bar chords at the 
advanced age of 44—and finding out 


that I could. 
° 


Teen Angel was our final encore num- 
her, and as we left the stage at midnight 
(with a five o'clock wake-up call sched- 
uled for us to catch a seven o'clock plane 
to Miami), I felt tired but I also felt good, 
the way I do after Гус had а good day on 
whatever I happen to be writing. I felt 
for the first time as if I had really done 
my job, that I had worked hard and that 
1 had a perfect right to be where I was. I 
didn't feel like a celeb; I felt like some- 
body who had just come off shift at work. 
That's terribly important to me. I was 
raised to work, and working makes me 
as happy as the idea of playing at the 
work of others makes me uneasy. 

Аз we went out to the bus, Dave Barry 
asked me if I would be willing to do this 
again next year. I thought it over, then 
nodded. Sure. It’s the neighborhood of 
the beast, all right, but that is not neces- 
sarily the worst place in the world to be. 

And besides, like I said, I'm still prac- 
ticing my bar chords, and still getting 
better. 

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PLAYBOY 


he won't be tinkering with Dallas’ offen- 
sive or defensive schemes. 

Why should he? With stars like Troy 
Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael 
Irvin, the Cowboys have enough fire- 
power to overcome any turmoil. In 
1993, Smith led the league in rushing 
for the third straight year (1486 yards), 
despite missing the first two games be- 
cause of a contract dispute. Aikman, the 
$50 million quarterback, finished as the 
NEC's second-best passer, while Irvin 
was the NFUs third-best receiver (88 re- 
ceptions for 1330 yards). 

Dallas’ doomsday defense is still quick 
and will benefit from defensive end 
Charles Haleys return from back 
surgery. But Switzer has to replace de- 
fensive tackle Tony Casillas, who signed 
with Kansas City, and All-Pro linebacker 
Ken Norton, who's now а 49er. Help 
could come from number one draft pick 
Shante Carver (Arizona State). Switzer 
will have some holes in his offensive line 
as a result of the defections of guards 
John Gesek (to Washington) and Kevin 
Сорап (to the Raiders). Finding a re- 
placement for placekicker Eddie Murray 
will be another problem 

Still, the Cowboys appear strong. 
Switzer was a big-time winner at Okla- 
homa and, like Johnson, is a great moti- 
vator. That may be all his players need 
for a third straight Super Bowl victory. 

After last season, desert winds finally 
reached sirocco strength in Phoenix. 
Unpredictable Cardinals owner Bill Bid- 
will axed popular coach Joe Bugel (who 
led the team to a 7-9 record, its best 
finish since the club moved from St. 
Louis) and brought in the fiery Buddy 
Ryan, Houston’s defensive coordinator. 
"You've got a winner in town. We're 
here to win now,” Ryan, outspoken as 
ever, told the Arizona media when he 
was introduced as head coach. “We plan 
on going to the playoffs this year.” 

Buddy has a big mouth, but he usual- 
ly backs up what he says. After last year’s 
number one draft choice Garrison 
Hearst (whom Ryan has been trying to 
trade) was lost for the season, the Cardi- 
nals discovered a 1000-yard rusher in 
Ron Moore. Even though he was beset 
by injuries, quarterback Steve Beuerlein 
passed for 3164 yards and looks ready to 
join the top tier of NFL signal callers. As 
he did in Chicago and Philly, Jim McMa- 
hon joins Buddy's fold, as backup ОВ. 
Wide receiver Gary Clark, who missed 
almost half of last season, is healthy 
again, as is defensive tackle Eric Swann, 
149 who seems ready for an All-Pro year. 


(continued from page 92) 


“Switzer is a great motivator. That may be all his play- 
ers need for a third straight Super Bowl victory.” 


The Cardinals dramatically strength- 
ened their defensive unit by signing АШ- 
Pro end Clyde Simmons and All-Pro 
linebacker Seth Joyner, both of whom 
Ryan coached at Philadelphia. They're 
going to love Buddy in Arizona, because 
his team will make the playoffs. 

А new day is dawning in Philadelphia. 
Gone is pinchpenny owner Norman 
Braman, a car dealer who drove his 
players away. Jeff Lurie, the new owner 
of the Eagles, is a Hollywood producer 
who paid a record $185 million for the 
club. Braman, who bought the team in 
1985 for $65 million, walked away with a 
$120 million profit. He might also have 
walked away with a Super Bowl title or 
two if he hadn't been such an incredible 
tightwad. During the last couple of sea- 
sons the Eagles lost the services of five 
All-Pros—tight end Keith Jackson, de- 
fensive end Reggie White, running back 
Keith Byars, defensive end Clyde Sim- 
mons and linebacker Seth Joyner. 

Head coach Rich Kotite had the Ea- 
gles thinking playoffs after a 4-0 start. 
But after quarterback Randall Cunning- 
ham went down with his annual leg i 
jury, the Eagles lost eight of their next 
nine games. Philly did win its last three 
games to finish 8-8, however, under the 
leadership of rejuvenated QB Bubby 
Brister. The ex-Steeler threw 14 touch- 
down passes and only five interceptions. 

“After all the injuries, our record was 
something very much to be proud of,” 
points out Kotite. “We had the toughest 
schedule in the league and we were in al- 
most every game.” 

Kotite is banking on the return of 
Cunningham and his main receiver, 
Fred Barnett, to help Herschel Walker, 
who led the team in rushing and гесеіу- 
ing. The Eagles’ weak spot is defense, 
which finished 27th against the run. 
Kotite hopes to offset the loss of Sim- 
mons and Joyner with Houston defen- 
sive end William Fuller and San Diego 
defensive end Burt Grossman. As a 
moviemaker, Lurie presumably knows 
the value of stars, and he won't let any 
more of Philly's leading players get away. 

Giants general manager George 
Young, who rubbed coaches Bill Parcells 
and Ray Handley the wrong way, got to 
Dan Reeves early, after Reeves first year 
on the job. Young, co-chairman of the 
NFLs competition committee, never 
asked his coach's opinion of the two- 
point conversion (Reeves dislikes it) and 
other rule changes. Reeves was also an- 
gry about all the Giants’ free agents— 
running back Lewis Tillman, offensive 


tackle Eric Moore, guard Bob Kratch, 
CBs Mark Collins and Perry Williams 
and safety Myron Guyton—that Young 
let get away. 

Last season Reeves, 1993 NFC coach 
of the year, orchestrated the league's top 
tushing attack (138 yards per game). 
The Giants have a 1000-yard runner 
in Rodney Hampton and a terrific all- 
purpose back in David Meggett but are 
vulnerable at quarterback. Concerned 
about Phil Simms’ lingering ailments, 
the Giants waived their veteran ОВ. 
Now they'll look to liule-used backups 
Dave Brown and Kent Graham. This 
doesn't bode well for the team’s offense. 

Even after Lawrence Taylor's retire- 
ment, New York's defense, anchored by 
linebackers Carlton Bailey and Michael 
Brooks, is still formidable. But the Gi- 
ants play in a murderously tough di 
sion, so their chances of again reac 
the playoffs are slim indeed. 

Dapper Washington owner Jack Kent 
Cooke didn't wait long to make a head 
coaching change. Following the Red- 
skins’ 4—12 finish under first-year head 
coach (and longtime Skins defensive co- 
ordinator) Richie Petitbon, Cooke imme- 
diately replaced him with the league's 
hottest young coaching prospect, Dallas 
offensive coordinator Norv Turner. 

Cooke expects Turner to get the Skins 
offense, ranked 26th in the league last 
year, moving in a hurry. It won't be easy. 
After being named the MVP in Washing- 
tor's last Super Bowl, QB Mark Rypicn 
was released following two off years and 
replaced by San Diego's John Friesz. In 
the college draft, however, Turner made 
a great move by picking up Tennessee's 
Heath Shuler, Washington’s quarterback 
of the future. He also added Cardinal 
linebacker Ken Harvey. 

Turner sees two bright spots on of 
fense: All-Pro tackle Jim Lachey, injured 
last season, is back and will no doubt 
make second-year running back Reggie 
Brooks an even bigger threat. As a rook- 
ie, Brooks showed power and speed 
while rushing for 1063 yards. The Red- 
skins expected big things from Heisman 
Trophy winner Desmond Howard, but 
he was a disappointment, as was fellow 
wide receiver Tim McGee. That's why 
Washington signed steady Rams veteran 
Henry Ellard, whose best years are be- 
hind him. 

Turner has a mountain to climb and 
won't get near the top this year, but he’s 
the right man for the job. He'll turn the 
Redskins into contenders again. 


в 


Last year the Vikings hoped for a mir- 
acle season from Jim McMahon. Now 
the team is upgrading to Warren Moon. 
Big break: The Oilers were so victimized 
by the salary cap that they were forced to 


trade him. Moon can throw just fine at 
age 38. By teaming up with Pro Bowl re- 
ceiver Cris Carter. Moon will give the 
Vikings a potent passing attack—if he 
can get more protection than McMahon 
received last year. That appears likely. 
The Vikes landed free-agent offensive 
tackle Chris Hinton, formerly of the Fal- 
cons, and former Pitesburgh tight end 
Adrian Cooper The Vikings lost su- 
preme sacker Chris Doleman to Atlanta, 
but still have tackle John Randle, who 
had 12.5 sacks last year, tying for third 
best in the NFC. They'll win the Central 
with Moon and shoot for the Super Bowl 
after that. 


CENTRAL DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Tampa Bay 


Anew era has been launched in Green 
Bay. For the first time since the glory 
years of Vince Lombardi, the Packers? 
immediate future looks bright. 

Last year the Pack went 9-7 and got 
into the postseason for the first time 
since the strike-tainted 1982 season, 
when 16 teams made it. Counting only 
normal seasons, the Packers’ playoff ap- 
pearance was their first since 1972. 

"Fhird-year head coach Mike Holm- 
gren, a former quarterback coach at San 
Francisco, feels he has an unpolished 
jewel in Brett Favre. The young, strong- 
armed quarterback had some brilliant. 
games last year, but needs to minimize 
his mistakes if the Packers are to contend 
for the division title. Favre threw and 
completed more passes (318) than any 
other OB in the NFC, racking up 19 TD. 
passes, but he also threw 24 intercep- 
tions. His favorite target was Sterling 
Sharpe, who caught 112 passes for 1974 
yards and finished as the NFI's number 
опе wide receiver. 

The Packers finally got a good run- 
ning back, Tampa Bay's Reggie Cobb. 
They drafted another—LeShon John- 
son of Northern Illinois, last year's lead- 
ing college rusher—and now need only 
an additional wide receiver to take some 
pressure off Sharpe and establish a bal- 
anced attack. 

Reggie White keyed Green Bay's de- 
fense in his first year after leaving 
Philadelphia. He had 13 sacks, tying for 
the most in the NFC. Defensive end 
Sean Jones, just arrived from Houston, 
will make White even more effective. 

The Pack isn't quite back, butit is play- 
off bound. 

Last season first-year head coach Dave 
Wannstedt led Chicago to a 7-9 record 
(two more victories than the Bears 
recorded the year before), and he did it 


in spite of being saddled with the NFL's 
worst offense. Beleaguered QB Jim Har- 
baugh, an object of ridicule in Chicago, 
was finally released. Replacing him is 
Erik Kramer, who led the Lions into the 
playoffs during the final four games of 
the 1993 regular season. “I think I'm 
good at recognizing defenses and get- 
Ung the ball to the right guy accurately,” 
Kramer says. 

He'll need some receivers to help him. 
Gutsy Tom Waddle was the Bears’ best, 
with only 44 catches for 552 yards. The 
running attack was almost as atrocious; 
Neal Anderson, who led the team with 
646 yards, has since been cut. In hopes 
of augmenting their offense, the Bears 
were busy in the free-agent market. 
Chicago signed running backs Lewis 
Tillman (Giants) and Merril Hoge (Pius- 
burgh), along with offensive tackle Andy 
Heck (Seattle). 

The Bears’ defense, number four in 
the league last year, has nothing to apol- 
ogize for. Led by linebacker Dante Jones 
(with a club-record 189 tackles last sea- 
son) and with a possible sleeper in Al- 
corn State linebacker John Thierry, their 
number one draft choice, Chicago will 
once again be a tenacious group to deal 
with. Wannstedt has the Bears growling 
again. 

Last year Detroit head coach Wayne 
Fontes was enmeshed in a quarterback 
controversy that had fans calling for his 
head. Luckily for the Lions, his team 
finished 10-6 and won its second NFC 
Central Division title in the past three 
years. 

"There won't be any quarterback con- 
troversy this time around. The Lions 
shelled out $11 million to snare Miami's 
Scott Mitchell, the league's best available 
free-agent quarterback. Mitchell will be 
tested early—the Lions’ schedule in- 
cludes games against Dallas, San Francis- 
co, the Giants, Buffalo and Miami. His 


prime target figures to be wide receiver 
Herman Moore, who caught 61 passes 
for 935 yards last year. Rookie WR John- 
ny Morton (USC) could also help. Barry 
Sanders will once again head up De- 
troit's dangerous running attack. 

Injuries to a couple of Pro Bowlers 
crippled Detroit's defense in 1993. Line- 
backer Pat Si i 
with a severe ankle sprain, and safety 
Bennie Blades broke his ankle in the 
fourth game. Linebacker Chris Spiel- 
man, who led the team in tackles (160) 
for the sixth straight year, is hoping his 
buddies get well this season. Even if 
there's a major outbreak of health, I still 
don't see them even making the playoffs. 

The Buccancers have finished with 
а 5-11 record two years in a row. That 
may sound terrible, but folks connected 
with the Bucs point out that their mur- 
derous schedule included games against 
11 playoff teams. And they managed to 
beat three of them: Minnesota, Detroit 
and Denver. While that may be true, the 
Buccaneers haven't won more than six 
games in a season since going 9-7 in 
1981. If Tampa Bay goes 10-6 every 
year from now on, it will take them until 
the year 2021 to reach .500. 

Coach Sam Wyche is a big booster of 
starting quarterback Craig Erickson, 
who last year threw for 3054 yards, 18 
touchdowns and a dreadful 21 intercep- 
tions. As insurance for the future, the 
team wisely selected QB Trent Dilfer 
(Fresno State) with its first draft pick. 
Wyche feels that with an easier schedule 
this time around, the Bucs can compete 
for a playoff spot. I doubt it. With the de- 
parture of Reggie Cobb, the team needs 
more help at running back than second- 
round draft choice Errict Rhett (Flori- 
da) will provide. The offensive line is 
still weak. 

Wyche is certain the Bucs are about to 
break their long string of more than 10 


THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB 
For Capran Сомром Í 


losses per season. If he wants to return 
next year, they'd better do just that 


WESTERN DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 
San Francisco .. 


New Orleans“ 

Atlanta. za 

Los Angeles Rams. 
"wi 


The shadows of Bill Walsh and Joe 
Montana are finally fading in the San 
Francisco fog. Even the most finicky 
49ers fans have to praise the accomplish- 
ments of coach George Seifert and quar- 
terback Steve Young, both of whom have 
long been regarded as cheap substitutes 
for Walsh and Montana. 

Seifert, a quiet, studious tactician, has 
a better record over his first five years 
(67 wins, 20 losses) than all but two oth- 
er coaches in NFL history, Guy Cham- 
berlain (Canton) and Paul Brown 
(Cleveland). Yet no one seems to recog- 
nize his accomplishment. 

Young is underappreciated as well. He 
succeeded the injured Montana three 
years ago, and became the first quarter- 
back to win three consecutive passing ti- 
tles. Last year he also became the first 
San Francisco quarterback to throw for 
more than 4000 yards (4023) and led the 
NFL with 29 TD passes. He also threw 
183 consecutive passes without an inter- 
ception, breaking Montana’s record. 

‘The incomparable Jerry Rice led the 
NEL in reception yardage (1503) and 
touchdowns (15) while catching 98 pass- 
es, the second highest total in his career. 
He needs just three more touchdowns to 
break Jim Brown’s record of 126. 
Young's other prime targets are John 
Taylor (56 catches, 940 yards) and Brent 
Jones, who led all NFL tight ends with 
68 receptions. On the ground, Ricky 
Watters, who missed several games with 
injuries, still managed to pile up 950 
yards. Draft pick William Floyd of Flori- 
da State was college football's top-rated 
fullback and could replace Tom Rath- 
man in the Niner backfield. 

In 1993, defense hurt the 49ers. They 
needed linebackers and signed a solid 
pair of free agents in Dallas’ Ken Norton 
and San Diego's Gary Plummer. San 
Francisco has young talent to build on, 
namely defensive tackle Dana Stubble- 
field, 1993's NFC defensive rookie ofthe 
year, and number one draft pick Bryant 
Young (Notre Dame) to line up along- 
side him. The young guys will learn 
from free-agent pickup DE Richard 
Dent. The team has more than enough 
weapons to win its 11th Western title in 
14 years and a record-setting fifth Super 
Bowl. 

New Orleans coach and general man- 
ager Jim Mora is trying to find a way to 
get his Saints marching past the first 
round of the playoffs. The coach has 

142 made some changes, beginning with the 


signing of speedy Atlanta wide receiver 
Michael Haynes to a four-year, $10 mil- 
lion contract. “He's real fast, but you've 
still got to get him the ball,” points out 
linebacker Rickey Jackson. 

Management apparently understands 
that, too. The team traded for quarter- 
back Jim Everett, who finished last sea- 
son on the Rams’ bench after slumping 
the last three years. Everett will get bet- 
ter protection in New Orleans and may 
turn his career around. Mora believes 
Everett is far better than Wade Wilson, 
who fell apart as New Orleans lost seven 
of its last nine games. Only rookie run- 
ning back Derek Brown (705 yards), 
wide receiver Eric Martin (66 catches, 
950 yards) and perhaps the МЕГ» best 
kicker, Morten Andersen (29 field goals), 
showed up on offense. 

Last year’s Saints defense, its tradi- 
tional strength, was vulnerable mostly 
because of age, which is why Mora made 
DE Joe Johnson (Louisville) his first 
draft pick. Linebackers Sam Mills (34) 
and Rickey Jackson (35) had trouble 
stopping the run. Renaldo Turnbull, 
who replaced Pat Swilling, tied for an 
NFC-high 13 sacks while forcing five 
fumbles. 

Mora, an underrated coach, is gam- 
bling big on a comeback from Everett, 
one that will take him to the playoffs. I 
think he’s betting right. 

"There won't be any tickets set aside for 
Elvis Presley at the Georgia Dome box 
office in Atlanta. Jerry Glanville, the 
man behind the Presley nonsense, was 
fired after leading the Falcons to succes- 
sive 6-10 records. June Jones, Glan- 
ville's offensive coordinator, is the Fal- 
cons’ new head coach. “I know we'll 
move the ball and be exciting,” he 
promises. 

New quarterback Jeff George, ob- 
tained in a trade with Indianapolis, will 
love throwing to Andre Rison (86 recep- 
tions, 1242 yards and 15 touchdowns in 
1993). And he'll also enjoy handing the 
ball to Erric Pegram, who last year 
rushed for 1185 yards. 

Atlanta jumped into free agency to im- 
prove a weak secondary, signing D.J. 
Johnson (Pittsburgh) and Kevin Ross 
(Kansas City). Getting DE Chris Dole- 
man, who had 12.5 sacks last year for the 
Vikings, was a steal. The one man they'd 
now love to sign is Deion Sanders, who 
in 11 games last year led the NFC with 
seven interceptions. But Sanders now 
says, “Maybe it's time to put all my focus 
on baseball.” Atlanta hopes that’s not 
the case. 

Last year Rams head coach Chuck 
Knox suffered through the first five- 
game losing streak of his 21-year career, 
on the way to a 5—11 record. The future 
Hall of Famer has hinted this may be his 
last year. This may also be the Rams’ last 
year in Anaheim; the team could move 
before the start of the 1995 season. In 
1993 the Rams drew their lowest atten- 


dance—about 45,000 fans a game—since 
moving from the Los Angeles Coliseum 
in 1980. 

They haven't given up on this year, 
however. The team signed quarterback 
Chris Miller of Atlanta, a Pro Bowl QB 
when healthy. Jerome Bettis had an im- 
pressive rookie year, running for 1429 
yards, just 57 fewer than NFL leader 
Emmitt Smith. The Rams also have de- 
fensive tackle Sean Gilbert, who made it 
to the Pro Bowl in his second season. 

Sadly, the Rams averaged just 13.8 
points a game—only Indianapolis and 
Cincinnati scored less. Worse, only Tam- 
pa Bay, Indianapolis and Atlanta gave 
up more than the 22.9 points per game 
the Rams’ defense averaged. It’s the 
kind of performance only an NFL-de- 
prived city like Baltimore, St. Louis or 
Memphis could love. Next year, they 
may get the chance. 


EASTERN DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Buffalo. . 
Miami* 


New England... 
New York Jets. 
Indianapolis .. 


Everybody knocks Buffalo, but with 
the exception of a certain game in Janu- 
ary, all the Bills do is keep winning. No 
other team in the NFL has ever made it 
to the Super Bowl four consecutive 
years. This season the Bills are talking 
about a “Drive for Five in '95," and I like 
their chances. Buffalo still has a nucleus 
of impact players returning. Quarter- 
back Jim Kelly had a superb 1993 season 
by passing for 3382 yards and 18 touch- 
downs; Thurman Thomas, one of the 
best all-around backs in the league, ran 
for 1815 yards; and tight end Pete Met- 
zelaars' 68 receptions helped offset in- 
juries to wide receiver Andre Reed. 

Another reason Buffalo has the best 
record of the Nineties is defense. End 
Bruce Smith and linebackers Cornelius 
Bennett and Darryl Talley are Pro 
Bowlers. Despite being double- and 
triple-teamed in 1993, Smith had 14 
sacks and a career-high 108 tackles. 

“It might tick everybody else off, but 
they've got 16 weeks to line up and stop 
us,” warns Talley. Super Bowl, here they 
come. Again. 

After 27 years, the turbulent Robbie- 
family era has ended in Miami. Wayne 
Huizenga, who owned 15 percent of the 
Dolphins, bought the remaining 85 per- 
cent from the battling heirs and is now 
the nation’s leading sports tycoon, hav- 
ing added the team to his baseball Mar- 
lins and hockey Panthers. 

Last year Don Shula became the win- 
ningest coach in NFL history by posting 
his 325th victory in 31 years. But the sea- 
son ended with a major downer: After 
running up a 9-2 record, the Dolphins 


lost their final five games and missed the 
playofis. Their collapse ranks as one of 
the biggest in league history. 

The Dolphins also lost quarterback 
Dan Marino after the fifth game with a 
torn Achilles tendon. Marino is 33, and 
Shula hopes he can make a full recov- 
ery. In case he can't, Miami has signed 
Bernie Kosar as insurance. 

Rookie Terry Kirby was a big reason 
why Miami's offense was second in the 
NEL. He rushed and received for 1264 
yards and led the team with 75 recep- 
tions. Keith Byars, another running 
back, added 61 catches, while wide re- 
ceiver Irving Fryar gained 1010 yards on 
64 receptions. 

Defense was Miami's downfall. Line- 
backer Bryan Cox was tops with 122 
tackles, but injuries again sidelined LB 
John Offerdahl. The Dolphins also need 
to strengthen their secondary. Drafting 
tackle Tim Bowens (Mississippi) won't 
provide immediate help. 

The 64-year-old Shula may feel some 
pressure during the final year of his con- 
tract. He’s led the Dolphins into the Su- 
per Bow! only once in the last ten years 
and hasn't won one in 20. Huizenga 
knows that Jimmy Johnson is available, 
and Jimmy has valuable experience in 
replacing legendary coaches. Just ask 
“Tom Landry. 

There's something happening in New 
England, and it all started with Bill Par- 
cells. The former Giants coach, who was 
ош of football for two years, has shaped 
the Patriots in the same manner he did 
the Giants, who won two Super Bowls. 
First he hired Ray Perkins as offensive 
coordinator. Next, he drafied a strong- 
armed quarterback and added a power 
runner, solid tight ends, a run-blocking 
offensive line and big, physical lineback- 
ers. Last year the Pats, the youngest 
team in the league, finished 5-11, but 
lost eight games by less than a touch- 
down. The team won its final four games 
and in the process knocked both Cleve- 
land and Miami out of the playoffs. Drew 
Bledsoe threw for 2494 yards, with 15 
touchdowns and as many interceptions, 
Not bad for a rookie. 

Leonard Russell, Parcells’ workhorse, 
ran for 1088 yards on 300 carries. Par- 
cells traded for San Diego's Marion 
Butts, another powerful plodder. The 
acquisition of free-agent Giants guard 
Bob Kratch will bolster a young line. 

‘Two other Giants free agents, line- 
backer Steve DeOssie and safety Myron 
Guyton, will improve the Pats’ defense, 
as will first-round draft choice Willie 
McGinest of USC, a Lawrence Taylor 
clone. Parcells has pieced together a 
rugged young team that might make the 
playoffs this year. 

Jets fans won't have Bruce Coslet to 
kick around anymore. After four years as 
New York's head coach (during which he 
compiled a 26-38 record), Coslet was 


fired less than two weeks after the team's 
24-0 loss to Houston in the final game of 
the season cost it a playoff berth. The 
Jets played listlessly and knew it. “We 
didn't show up,” remarked defensive 
end Marvin Washington. What a pity. 1 
suppose that was Coslet’s fault, too. 

In any case, it was time for a change, 
and GM Dick Steinberg hired Pete Car- 
roll, the team’s former defensive coordi- 
nator. Last year Steinberg got quarter- 
back Boomer Esiason from Cincinnati. 
Boomer started with a boom but threw 
only two touchdown passes in the Jets’ 
final seven games. Esiason had enough 
protection (the Jets led the NFL by al- 
lowing only 21 sacks) but couldn't seem 
to get the ball to wide receiver Rob 
Moore or tight end Johnny Mitchell. 

Another move Steinberg made was 
getting running back Johnny Johnson 
from the Cardinals on draft day in 1993. 
Johnson rushed for 821 yards and also 


led the team with 67 pass receptions. 
This year Steinberg may have made an- 
other drafi-day steal with number one 
pick Aaron Glenn (Texas A&M), a cor- 
nerback and kick returner with blazing 
4.3 speed in the 40. The Jets are blessed 
with a top-notch front office, but those 
guys don’t suit up and kick ass on a foot- 
ball field. 

Last winter was housecleaning time 
in Indianapolis. Bill Tobin (of Chicago 
Bears notoriety) is now the Colts’ vice 
president of football operations, and it 
didn’t take him long to begin operating. 
In 1993, the Colts finished last or next to 
last in 14 key defensive areas, the weak- 
est being a per-game yield of 352 yards. 
He fired four defensive coaches and 
hired his brother Vince to be the Colts’ 
new defensive coordinator, Vince Tobin 
acted in the same capacity with the 
Bears, so keep the accusations of nepo- 
tism to a minimum. Both Tobins are 


“Griselda Foodlesquink? What a lovely name!” 


143 


highly respected in football circles. 

Unfortunately, the Colts’ offense is al- 
so а catastrophe. Indianapolis averaged 
only 11.8 points a game last season; only 
innati was worse. Number one draft 
pick Marshall Faulk (San Diego State) 
figures to give Indy a respectable run- 
ning game. The team dumped QB Jeff 
George m favor of ex-Bear Jim Har- 
baugh. Say what you want about Har- 
baugh, but he completed better than 61 
percent of his passes for Chicago last 
year. George, on the other hand, clicked 
on only 57.5 percent. 

Tobin's emphasis on defense caused 
him to sign a good free-agent linebacker, 
Tony Bennett of Green Bay. With his 
second pick on the first round, he 
grabbed LB Trev Alberts (Nebraska). If 
he could pick up another half dozen like 
them, the Colts might actually scare a 
few teams. 


PLAYBOY 


CENTRAL DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Pittsburgh... 


Third-year coach Bill Cowher has 
done a commendable job in replacing 
Chuck Noll, the Steelers coach who won 
four Super Bowls in his 22-year career. 
Cowher got Pittsburgh into the playofts 
during each of his first two years, which 
was quite an accomplishment. After a 
23-0 shutout of Buffalo on a Monday 
night last November, Steeler fans were 
thinking Super Bowl. But injuries to RB 
Barry Foster and QB Neil O'Donnell 
capsized the offense. Both return this 
season, and the combination of Foster's 
big-play ability and O'Donnell's steady 
passing should be potent. 

Pittsburgh’s massive tight end, Eric 
Green, caught 63 passes for 942 yards 
last year. O'Donnell looked for Green far 
too often, but only because his wide re- 
ceivers had a year-long case of the drop- 
sies. The Steelers have high hopes for 
number one draft pick Charles Johnson, 
a quick wide receiver from Colorado. 

All-Pro cornerback Rod Woodson is 
the best of a defense that allowed more 
than 28 points only once, The unit lost 
end Donald Evans to the Jets but re- 
placed him with a better one, Ray Seals 
of Tampa Bay. Linebacker Kevin Greene 
led the Steelers in sacks with 12%. I look 
for Pittsburgh to overtake the depleted 
Oilers for the Central title. 

You wouldn't have heard many argu- 
ments last season if the Oilers’ Jack 
Pardee had been voted coach of the year. 
After opening 1-4, Pardee was a loss 
away from being fired. At that point his 
players pulled together to win 11 
straight games and the Central crown. 
(That was the longest winning streak in 
the NFL since the 1972 Dolphins went 

144 17-0.) Unfortunately, for the seventh 


consecutive time, Houston didn't make 
it to the AFC championship game. 

"We never did anything in a little 
way,” Pardee said, smiling. "It seemed 
no matter what we did, we made nation- 
al news.” For instance, there was the 
game in which Oilers defensive coordi- 
nator Buddy Ryan threw a punch at of- 
fensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride. Now 
Buddy's in Arizona and Gilbride is the 
new assistant head coach, so the team 
can once again concentrate on the field. 

As far as Oilers fans were concerned, 
the loss of quarterback Warren Moon 
was the biggest news of the spring. Moon 
was traded to Minnesota for draft choic- 
єз, a trade he accepted but never really 
wanted, Strong-armed Cody Carlson is 
the team’s new starting QB and could 
break out after years as Moon's backup. 
Carlson could get some help if wideout 
Webster Slaughter has recovered from 
the torn knee ligaments he suffered in a 
game last December. Gary Brown is the 
new hero of Oilers fans. When Lorenzo 
White went down, Brown took over and 
ran for 1002 yards on only 195 carries. 

It'll be interesting to sec how the Oil- 
ers' defense performs now that Ryan is 
moving his smash-mouth brand of foot- 
ball to Arizona. The atmosphere figures 
to be a lot more civil than when Buddy 
was around, but not necessarily more 
productive. 

Last year in Cleveland, team owner 
Art Modell seemed to be burned ont. 
Why else would he have released quar- 
terback Bernie Kosar, who had the 
Browns in first place after eight games? 
Without Kosar the Browns won only two 
of their last eight. 

Still, the Browns moved the ball well 
under replacement Vinny Testaverde, 
who recovered from a separated shoul- 
der to throw 14 TD passes in about a 
half-season’s work. In May, Cleveland 
signed Washington's Mark Rypien to 
give the Browns some much-needed 
depth at QB. Whoever calls the signals, 
he'll benefit from having little Eric Met- 
calf operating out of the backfield. He 
led the NFL with 1932 all-purpose 
yards. and figures to keep the Browns 
moving this year as well. 

Meanwhile, Cleveland's defense failed 
to live up to its preseason hype. Behe- 
moth tackle Jerry Ball was a bust, but af- 
tera slow start, tackle Michael Dean Per- 
ry finished strong. Top draft pick CB 
Antonio Langham (Alabama) could be 
an impact player. The Browns had a 
good draft, but they remain at least sev- 
eral players away from winning the Cen- 
tral Division. 

In football, as in the shopping mall, 
you e what you pay for, which explains 
why Cincinnati finished with the worst 
record in the NFL last year, 3-13. The 
Bengals had the lowest payroll in the 
league and it showed. Maybe that's why 
owner Mike Brown forgave head coach 
Dave Shula his two-year, 8-24 record 


and granted him a two-year contract 
extension. 

Last year's Bengals were one of the 
lousiest teams ever assembled. Cincy was 
27th against the run, featured a running 
attack that also ranked 27th in the NFL 
and gave up a league-high 53 sacks. 
That evidently caused Mike Brown to 
sign Miami safety Louis Oliver and Seat- 
de offensive guard Darrick Brilz, both of 
whom will prevent the Bengals from be- 
ing regarded as a bad joke. The team's 
ineptitude also earned Cincinnati this 
year’s number one draft choice. The 
Bengals wisely drafted titanic Ohio State 
defensive tackle Dan Wilkinson and, by 
signing him to a six-year, $14.4 million 
contract, made him the highest-paid 
player in team history. 

Unfortunately, none of this is going to 
help poor David Klingler. There wasn't a 
more bedeviled quarterback in the 
league last fall—he virtually ran for his 
life with every snap of the ball. His 
longest completion was for 51 yards, and 
that came on a screen pass. The Bengals 
scored only 14 touchdowns іп 1993, a to- 
tal that was individually surpassed Бу 
Jerry Rice, Marcus Allen and Andre Ri- 
son. This team still qualifies for federal 
disaster relief. 


WESTERN DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Оепүег..... 
Kansas City" 


Los Angeles Raiders“ . 
San Diego 


Perhaps Denver coach Wade Phillips 
wishes he had remained as the team’s 
defensive coordinator. It took him only 
one season as the Broncos’ head coach 
to land in the hospital with stomach 
problems, but that can happen after you 
promise big things and finish 9-7. 

If the Broncos play the same way they 
did in their final two games of 1993— 
they lost the season finale and playoff 
opener to the Raiders—Phillips is going 
to feel it in his gut again. Denver's wild- 
card defeat in Г.А. was a sad ending to 
the best season QB John Elway has ever 
had. Elway finished as the AFC's num- 
ber one passer by virtue of completing 
63.2 percent of his passes for 4030 yards 
and 25 touchdowns—all career highs. 
He managed to do this without a Arst- 
class wide receiver. Most of his comple- 
tions were to tight end Shannon Sharpe, 
who caught 81 passes for 995 yards and 
nine touchdowns. 

Elway will definitely have a big-play 
wide receiver this year. The Broncos 
signed a pair of talented free agents— 
San Diego's Anthony Miller, a Pro 
Bowler in four of his six seasons, and 
speedy Atlanta wideout Mike Pritchard 
I look for Elway to have another terrific 
year. The Broncos’ defense is no longer 


the Orange Crush of the past—age has 
slowed linebacker Karl Mecklenburg 
and safety Dennis Smith, among oth- 
ers—but it will do. And linebacker 
Simon Fletcher is very solid; in 1993, he 
led the team in sacks (13.5) for the third 
straight year. 

The combination of offense, Elway's 
ability to lead the Broncos back from the 
dead in the fourth quarter, and an aging 
defense, should make things exciting in 
Denver this season. When the smoke 
clears, they should have the division ti- 
tle, and Wade Phillips should be cured of 
his bellyache. 

Winning the Western Division last 
year has Chiefs fans hungry for their 
first trip to the Super Bowl since 1970. 
The team probably would have gone all 
the way if its defense hadn't played er- 
ratically. Despite holding 11 of their op- 
ponents to under 300 yards, personify- 
ing the NFUs sack leader in end Neil 
Smith (15) and racking up the third 
most take-aways in the league (38), the 
Chiefs still gave up 30 or more points in 
four games. 

This year, defense will be a concern 
again. The Chiefs lost linebacker Lonnie 
Marts, cornerback Albert Lewis and safe- 
ty Kevin Ross to free agency. The addi- 
tion of DT Tony Casillas (Dallas) and CB 
Mark Collins (Giants) will be a big help, 
as will the arrival of backup QB Steve 
Bono from San Francisco. 

As the Chiefs sort through the defen- 
sive questions, they must also ponder 
geriatrics: Do Joe Montana and Marcus 
Allen have enough left in them to sur- 
vive another campaign? 

Now showing in the Western Division, 
Raiders of the Lost Park. An earthquake 
earlier this year damaged Los Angeles 
Coliseum, possibly leaving the Raiders 
to play in Dodger Stadium or return to 
Oakland. And that’s only this season's 
predicament. After all these years, one 
still can't be sure where owner Al Davis 
will move his team. In the spring he was 
negotiating with офаа5 in Orlando, 
Florida, but talks broke down when 
Davis reportedly wanted too much from 
the city. 

Davis still loves Oakland, and the fans 
there still love the Raiders. Fact is, the 
Raiders were the last AFC team to beat 
the NFC in a Super Bowl. That was in 
1984, and the Raiders haven't been back 
to the big game since. Davis’ boys almost 
got there last season. They dominated 
the Bills during the first half of the AFC 
championship game but then produced 
only one first down in the second half 
and lost, 29-23. Davis was upset, and 
coach Art Shell has felt the pressure. 

Quarterback Jeff Hostetler gave the 
Raiders the look of a Super Bow! team. 
In his first season in Los Angeles, 
Hostetler played through a series of in- 
juries and sull managed to throw for 
3242 yards. Led by Tim Brown (80 
catches for 1180 yards), the Raiders— 


with James Jett, Alexander Wright and 
Rocket Ismail—possess the fleetest corps 
of wide receivers in pro football. 

On defense, the retirement of Howie 
Long will open up more time for future 
All-Pro tackle Chester McGlockton. End 
Anthony Smith, another force in the de- 
fensive line, registered 12.5 sacks. The 
Raiders strengthened their secondary by 
signing free agent Kansas City corner- 
back Albert Lewis and beefed up their 
offensive line by landing prized Dallas 
guard Kevin Gogan. Now all the team 
needs is a stadium in which to throw the 
victory party. 

Last season the Chargers were picked 
to win the West, and why not? Second- 
year head coach Bobby Ross never ex- 
pected his guys to unravel and finish 
8-8. San Diego's troubles began with a 
shoulder injury to quarterback Stan 
Humphries during an exhibition game, 
and then six other starters went down 
during the regular season. 

‘The unraveling continued in the off- 
season. San Diego didn't have a first- 
round draft pigk this year and lost three 
standout starters to free agency: wide re- 
ceiver Anthony Miller, linebacker Gary 
Plummer and defensive end Burt Gross- 
man. GM Bobby Beathard countered by 
signing Denver wide receiver Vance 
Johnson, Miami receiver Tony Martin, 
Arizona defensive end Reuben Davis 
and Seattle cornerback Dwayne Harper. 
Nice try, but the Chargers won't be a fac 
tor in the rugged AFC West this season. 

Last year Seattle coach Tom Flores, a 
former quarterback himself, made No- 
tre Dame QB Rick Mirer the Seahawks* 
top draft choice. His judgment paid off 
quickly as the rookie led Seattle to a 6-10 
season. Despite being sacked 47 times, 
Mirer completed more passes (274) for 
more yards (2833) than any other rookie 
in NFL history. It showed on the score- 
board, as the Seahawks scored twice as 
many points as they did in 1992. 

Mirer's favorite receiver was Brian 
Blades, who caught a club-record 80 
passes for 945 yards. Chris Warren had 
his second straight 1000-yard season. In 
Cortez Kennedy, the Seahawks have the 
league's premiere defensive tackle, and 
safety Eugene Robinson made All-Pro 
for the second straight year. He'll be 
joined in the secondary by Buffalo cor- 
nerback Nate Odomes, a fine free-agent 
pickup. 

But free agency cuts both ways, and it 
really hurt Seattle's offensive line. Hav- 
ing lost tackle Andy Heck and guard 
Darrick Brilz—Look out, Rick! Here 
they come again!-—Flores is going to 
have to rebuild the line for the fourth 
straight year. Under Flores, the Sea- 
hawks continue to improve every season, 
but they'll have to wait until their offen- 
sive line is shored up and Mirer comes of 
age before they can take the next step. 


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UCR5 (continued from page 114) 


"Sony's Adaptive Picture Control is especially good at 
tweaking rental tapes that have lost signal strength.” 


of these machines sounds nearly as good 
as а compact disc, whether уоште 
recording in standard play (two hours 
per tape) or in the more economical, six- 
hour extended-play mode. Almost all 
prerecorded rental tapes are now encod- 
ed with two-track hi-fi or four-channel 
Dolby Surround sound. And the VCR’s 
stereo TV tuner can decode dozens of 
multichannel broadcasts, which you can 
tape and replay or enjoy live and loud, 
pumped through your audio system 
with a simple connection. (You can even 
use a VHS hi-fi as an alternative to an 
analog cassette deck, recording extend- 
ed radio concerts or dubbing compact 
discs—and no tape flipping is required.) 

“The price-reduction trend has affect- 
ed the 1995 lineup of stereo VCRs in a 
big way. Samsung's model VR8704 four- 
head hi-fi, for example, is selling for as 
little as $299, an amount you would have 
paid for a basic, two-head mono ma- 
chine a few years ago. For $300 you can 
buy Magnavox’ VR9361, a four-head hi- 
fi stereo model with universal remote, 
auto head cleaning, variable slow motion 
and a real-time counter. The RCA 
VR672HF ($450) features the VCR 
Plus+ operating system, which lets you 
set up recording sessions using simple 
three- to eight-digit program codes list- 
ed in TV Guide and newspapers. 

Fisher's FVH-4910 ($450) offers VCR 
Plus+ programming but also adds a 
wired, mouse-type cable-box controller 
to the mix. Cable subscribers who have 
to use a set-top cable box know that the 
device voids many of their TV and VCR 
functions. You can't record programs 
from different channels in sequence, for 
example, because the cable box is сара- 
ble of sending only one signal at a time. 
The Fisher mouse controller uses in- 
frared technology to trigger the cable 
box, automatically changing channels 
for you according to your preferred pro- 
gramming schedule. 


HEADS UP, CLEARER PICTURES 


Until now, recording onto a VHS tape 
in the slowspeed extended-play mode 
meant sacrificing picture quality. Not 
anymore, thanks to the crisp, richly col- 
ored EP images produced EN Panasonic's 
РУ-4464 ($549) and Toshibas M760 
($550). Panasonic achieves its video vital- 
ity by way of a new breed of laminated 
metal alloy recording heads, dubbed Dy- 
namorphous, which produce a video sig- 
nal-to-noise ratio improvement of about 
1.5 decibels. (The eye can detect a one- 
dB difference, so this is amazing.) 

The Toshiba M760 improves the pic- 


ture by employing six recording heads 
instead of the usual four. The extra 
heads, devoted to extended-play activi- 
ties, are the narrowest on the market at 
19 microns each. The advantage? The 
small size prevents the heads from com- 
ing in contact with adjacent video tracks, 
thus reducing noise and enhancing sig- 
nal strength. 

Sharp is going the 19-micron route as 
well. Its six-head hi-fi VC-HLOOU ($550) 
and the four-head VC-A70U ($450) 
should be out by year's end. 


ТАРЕ TASTING 


Borrowing a trick from high-end au- 
diocassette decks, Sony and Mitsubishi 
video recorders now electronically sam- 
ple an inserted tape to maximize perfor- 


Above: Sony's new EV-57000 Hi8 VCR offers 
many sophisticated editing functions, includ- 
ing individually marked cut-in/cut-out points 
in the tope, digital stereo oudio dubbing and 
a precise jog shuttle control, about $2000. 


mance. Sony's Adaptive Picture Control 
adjusts for head wear and is especially 
good at tweaking oft-played rental tapes 
that have lost signal strength. 

When you press the Perfect Tape but- 
ton on new Mitsubishi VCRs ($500 and 
up), a sweep pattern appears on the TV 
screen as the VCR lays down and replays 
a test signal to optimize color and bright- 
ness levels. Another feature, Intelligent 
Picture, adjusts sharpness settings based 
оп variations in the tape. 


SUPER REZ 


With 400 lines of horizontal resolu- 
tion, Super-VHS delivers the best ріс- 
ture you can find in tape-based home 
video. Yet until recently, mediocre 
broadcast and cable TV signals havent 
justified the $1000-plus price tags of 
S-VHS decks. Now prices are falling i 
this category too, with “reduced to $599" 
tags increasingly common. What's more, 
a 150-channel direct broadcast satellite 
system called DSS has begun to beam 


equally resolute 400-line signals to tiny 
(18 inches in diameter) dishes. If you're 
tuning in to DSS, you can capture the 
improved picture with a VHS deck such 
as Hitachi's VT-S772 (about $900). А dif- 
ferent animal in several ways, the VT- 
8779 comes with some cool features. 
There's an LCD remote control that 
glows in the dark as well as an infrared- 
based function called Laser VLS (as 
in video loading system), which triggers 
the doors to open automatically when 
you move a tape toward the VCR. The 
VT-S772 also incorporates flying erase 
heads for making smooth splices be- 
tween recordings and includes built-in 
titling capabilities—a rarity in VCRs 
today. 


EDITING LIKE A PRO 


There's never been a home video that 
couldn't be improved by judicious edit- 
ing. If you're starting with a VHS or 
VHS-C camcorder tape, insert it into 
JVC's HR-VP710 ($600), an editing stu- 
dio disguised as a hi-fi VCR. Indicate the 
scenes you want to keep (up to eight at a 
time) and, at the touch of a button, the 
dips are automatically copied and trans- 
ferred to a connecting VCR in the order 
you want. While some editing VCRs in- 
terface only with same-brand equip- 
ment, the HR-VP710 functions with a 
multibrand edit controller (RM-V403, 
$30) to cue almost апу VCR 

For easy editing or dubbing of 8mm or 
Hi-8 videotapes onto VHS, check out Go 
Video's GV8080 ($1299). This deluxe 
two-in-one unit incorporates flying erase 
heads and hi-fi recording/playback on 
both transports. It also can juggle up to 
eight premarked scenes and includes 
functions that make it easy to add a new 
audio track to previously recorded mate- 
tial or substitute chunks of video from 
one tape to another. 

Goldstar also offers an 8mm and VHS 
VCR/dubbing deck. The GVR-DDI 
($900) includes a one-touch dubbing 
feature and a variety of editing func- 
tions, plus front audio-video jacks for 
connecting additional AV sources. 

Samsung plans to release а stereo 
8mm/VHS dual deck in early 1995; the 
price has yet to be announced, but you 
can bet that it will be competitive with 
the Goldstar and Go Video models. 

Sony's finest editing hand is played 
with the EV-S7000, a $2000 Hi8 VCR 
with noise-reduction circuitry. This deck 
electronically “cuts” to a precision of 
plus/minus three frames when fed a tape 
that’s been stamped with RC Time 
Code. Sony's new CCD-TR700 Handy- 
cam ($1900) does that nicely. Sealing the 
deal for serious videophiles is the Sony 
RM-E1000T editing controller, which 
manipulates up to three sources, pro- 
grams up to 99 scenes and pushes up the 
package price another two grand. 


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DAVI D CAR U S O (continued from page 112) 


“There’s a certain drama to a relationship with an 
Italian woman. Everything is potentially explosive.” 


want to fight. Not that I haven't thrown 
a punch or two. About ten years ago, a 
friend and I were waiting for a parking 
space, and just as we were turning in, 
these young guys pulled in ahead of us. I 
was the passenger, and the person driv- 
ing said, “Fuck you!” The guy in the oth- 
er car spat on our windshield. It was—I 
don't know—so unreasonable. He got 
more and more belligerent. I couldn't 
leave it alone. I went over to his car. He 
opened the door fast on me, so we start- 
ed rolling around the parking lot. It was 
so stupid. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Despite your Italian surname, 
your look is clearly Irish. So who are 
more fun, Italian or Irish women? 
CARUSO: The Italians are flamboyant; 
they're filled with all kinds of passion 
and ability and charm. The Irish have 
their own richness, but it’s much more 
conservative. Irish women have a great 
sense of humor That's one of their Ба- 
sics. But I've always been fascinated by 
Italians. They're so beautiful. The dark 
hair. And there's a certain drama to a re- 
lationship with a young Italian woman. 
Everything is such high stakes and so po- 
tentially explosive—all the time. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: What would the Catholic 
Church have to do to get you back in a 
pew every Sunday? 

Caruso: Drop fear as a manipulative 
weapon. This is a control thing. They 
want to let you know bow powerless you 
are, how you were born genetically poi- 
soned, and that they are in a position to 
light all of your darkness. Although 
we're flawed and dangerous, I don't be- 
lieve we're negative creatures. I don't 
think I should start from a place of 
shame and work forward. We're com- 
plex. We're animal. But fear is not the 
answer to any equation. There's an im- 
plied threat to that, as opposed' to com- 
ing from a position of love, understand- 
ing and openness. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: How long has it been since your 
last confession? 

CARUSO: | did an on-camera confession. 
Does that count? [Pauses] Maybe it does. 
It felt kind of spooky. It had been a long 
time, and it’s odd that ГА end up, even 
in a role, returning to it. These days I 
feel less and less the need to confess. 
Confession isa way of denying being hu- 
man. I don't want to label things I have 
done as wrong. I understand there are 


positive and negative repercussions to 
everything I do, and I’m not as desper- 
ate to run from the negative as I used to 
be. I'm more willing to deal with the 
consequences. Trying to have the perfect 
picture and the perfect life is hopeless. 
Instead, you have to be willing to accept 
who you are. Confession gives someone 
access to me that I don't want him to 
have. Being programmed to feel guilty 
about certain things is a tremendous 
control thing. It keeps me from really 


living my life. The nature of confession is 
that you have to get something off your 
chest before you can get your life back in 
focus. I don’t want to strike my actions 
from the record. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: You may not be going back to 
church, but John Kelly seems to be. 

caruso: John Kelly is coming from The 
Word. The Church and Jesus Christ and 
the New Testament have a profound 
message of compassion. That's what this 
character is based on. He’s a compas- 
sionate guy. He knows that brutalizing 
and punishment and “rehabilitation” 
don't work. He wants to communicate, 
to make contact and start listening. He 
is a good listener. Let me give you an 


"Hey! Can't you read? No smoking!" 


147 


PLAYBOY 


148 


example. [Stands, still talking, then slowly 
settles into his chair, never losing eye con- 
tact—just like Kelly on TV] Part of Kelly's 
science is that he always maintains eye 
contact and listens. That’s the key. The 
frustration begins when we're not being 
heard. Kelly wants to be present with 
each person because that’s what they 
need. [Smiles] A lot of that technique 
comes from having children. I crouch 
down to get on my daughter's level. 
Then I'm not perceived as so dominant, 
because that's too scary. Its not effective 
if they're afraid of you. If you're talking 
to a murder suspect, he or she might tell 
you something because they feel you're 
really there for them. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: You used to drink. When you 
were having more than one, what were 
you having and what did you do when 
buzzed? 

caruso: If it was a football game, it would 
be beers with the guys. Barbecues by 
the pool would be margaritas. I used to 
like Cristal champagne—who doesn’t? 
Sometimes | would become adventurous 
in a dangerous way. I would end up in 


situations with strangers in the middle of 


the night. When I was 18 and living on 
89th Street in Manhattan, my first year 
after leaving Queens, I worked as a wait- 
er. I met a bunch of people who were 
part of the city subculture that lives at 
night They have different identities. 
Some people who are straight during 
the day are gay during the night and an- 
swer to different names. So when Pd 
drink Pd flirt with different pasts and 
make up stories for strangers. I was es- 
caping and, I suppose, seeking drama 
and stimulation. And they say the the- 


ater is dead. Well, everybody in this 
fucking society is doing a character. 
Everybody has a look, a getup, a story. 
You could be in a 25-character play in 
the middle of the night. I had discovered 
Brando and indulged myself in that self- 
absorbed, introspective, internal-conflict 
guy. 1 took this character out into the 
night and no one could pop me because 
everybody had their own story. I was 
James Dean, or I was Then Came Bronson. 
Maybe I would pad stories about a crim- 
inal past, or maybe Га be involved with a 
number of women at the same time and 
have slightly different identities and situ- 
ations. Ultimately I was just trying to 
figure out who I was. That was wild stuff. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: You used to spend hours in a 
terminal at JFK Airport staring at peo- 
ple. What's the best terminal for people- 
watching? Were you looking for any- 
thing in particular? 

CARUSO: I went to the American Airlines 
terminal. I always have been fascinated 
by scenarios and characters. An airport 
is an exciting place; people's lives are 
changing and beginning and ending. 
Every time I get on a plane, I feel some 
kind of surge, even if it's a mundane 
trip. Something could happen. Some- 
thing could change. I would try to ob- 
serve anonymously. That's part of doing 
your homework as an actor, and I wasn't 
even an actor at that point. I didn't real- 
ly know what I was doing except uncon- 
sciously broadening my horizons. And 
now, I'm the one someone is watching 
get on a plane. It seems so cinematic. 
Maybe I was rehearsing. 


Е bisaat 


“I asked her to dinner and 1 treated. She asked 
me to spend the night and she treated. If those are the new rules, they 
are rules I can live by.” 


THE VILLAGE 

(continued from page 88) 
thought, and picked up the glove and 
tried to jam his hand through the strap, 
twisted in the fabric, and threw it down 
on the snow and shot his hand into his 
pocket for the compass, and he couldn't 
find it there. 

No. It is there, he thought. It may be 
that I cannot find, I cannot find it. But it 
is there, because it was there, and it must 
be there, or. . .. He looked down and saw 
nothing on the snow except his ski pole 
and glove. He picked them up. 1 will сіг- 
de as slowly as necessary, he thought, 
then I must see the. . .. He began to make 
a circle in the snow. I must see the com- 
pass, he thought. 

He made his circle and didn’t see the 
compass. 

It doesn’t matter, he thought, because 
1... . He looked up, at the end of his cir- 
de, and recognized nothing. 

This is ridiculous, he thought. He 
moved to his right, then to his left, and 
recognized, at no point, anything he had 
ever seen before. He started to cough 
and felt cold. No, I have matches, and I, 
even if I didn't, I have my gun and could 
open a cartridge case and pour powder 
on paper, then fire another cartridge in- 
to it to ignite. .. „As he thought, he hunt- 
ed in his pocket and found, by touch, 
hills and coins and a folded book of 
checks and, below them, the compass. 

He took a deep breath and held the 
compass in his hand. I am so steady, he 
thought. He maneuvered on his skis. 
There always is a feeling, he thought, 
and I feel that this is north. He looked 
down at the compass needle, which was 
swinging between east and west, be- 
tween northeast and northwest, and 
which was slowly moving in smaller arcs 
to indicate north was behind him, exact- 


“No,” he said. “No, no. That's impossi 
ble. I could be slightly off, but. .. ." He re- 
membered the other compass, sewn un- 
derncath the fish patch on his jacket. 
Well, fine, he thought, what is the point 
of having spares, or having thought 
ahead to have spares, if you cannot use 
them in situations just like. ... He start- 
ed to put his compass back in the pocket 
of his pants, then stopped 

No. No, he thought. I lost you once in 
there, I will be damned ШТ... I know 
which way is home. .. . 

He felt the cold from the snow seeping 
through his socks and making his feet 
cold. He reached down and picked up 
the ski pole. He put his hand through 
the strap so it was bunched up with the 
glove, stuck in there. But he could not 
grasp the ski pole while holding the 
compass. He took his cap off his head 
and put the compass in it and put it back 
on his head. He looked around the 


woods, to the left and to the right. He 
pushed off on his skis. 

He came to a low place and found his 
right ski tangled in vines. He tried to 
wrench it loose and could not, and he 
backed it out. He crouched low to work 
himself through the overhanging vines 
and pushed himself forward on his 
hands. Low branches whipped his eyes. 
He pushed through and found himself 
on a bank, gliding and then falling 
down. It was dark and he was wet, and 
he was cold. 

1 have my gun, he thought. I can fire 
for help. Any time. If they were looking 
for me. Three shots. He reached into his 
pocket for his compass, then he felt on 
his head and found his hat gone. 

He got to his fect. He began to tear at 
the patch on the hunting coat to get to 
the compass underneath. He found his 
ears and his hand beginning to ungle 
with the early burn of frostbite. 

He shook off the ski pole from his 
right hand and tried to open the buttons 
on his hunting coat. He found he could 
not do so, and he wrenched the coat up 
to feel for the belt knife in its sheath in 
back. He found the clasp and worked to 
get the knife out, but the heavy coat, 
bunched at his back, made it impossible. 
He levered the sheath down, parallel to 
his belt, and tore the knife out of it, feel- 
ing it cut the coat as it came. 


He bit his left glove off and tossed it 
and the ski pole down. He put the knife 
handle in his teeth and rubbed his hands 
together to warm them. He looked down 
and, like a surgeon, concentrating so 
that the stitches stood out like cords, he 
cut the patch from the jacket, and the lit- 
tle cheap red compass fell into the snow. 
He flung the knife away from him and 
sank to his knees in the dark, but he 
could not see the compass. He dug in the 
snow with his hands till they were too 
cold to feel, then stood and started for- 
ward. He stopped and knelt. He beat his 
hands against each other, and on his 
thighs, till he had some feeling, then 
worked each release, and stood, and 
shook his skis off. 

He lurched forward through the snow 
and found himself stuck to his knees. 

No, no. Irs not all that deep, һе 
thought, just here. He trudged, picking 
his legs up and moving forward quickly, 
fitfully, away from the bank, deeper into 
the woods. 

The snow, except where it drifted, was 
only calf-deep, and he moved through 
the woods. He came across his ski trail 
and looked at it with the half-animal 
thought that it was tainted. He moved 
on, his breath coming quickly, in pants. 

In the dark he fell into the small log- 
ging clearing and saw the ruts of the log- 
ging truck, now filled with snow. He fol- 


lowed them, half at a run. He stuck his 
hands into his pants pockets for warmth 
and ran unbalanced. He fell and levered 
himself up onto his knees, and up onto 
his feet, and on. And there was a place 
where he met another logging road. 

No, he thought. Well. One way must 
lead to North Road. He turned to the 
left and ran, stumbling down the road 
for 50 yards, then turned and ran back, 
past the road he'd come ош on. That is 
stil there, he thought and ran on, deter- 
mined to run till he died. He found him- 
self, in 20 seconds, out on North Road. 
The sides were plowed and the snow 
banked up high. The road was gritty 
with the salt and dirt spread by the town, 
and it was punctuated by the regular 
herringbone of the chains on the tires of 
the snowplow. 

I'm above it, he thought. My house is 
down there. He turned to his right. 1 was 
so close to it. 

He felt his whole face burning with the 
cold, and his legs felt like sticks. He had 
no feeling in his hands, He walked on 
and, in a while, came over the hill. 

Down below, far below, he saw the 
bend, and around the bend he saw his 
house, and the yellow light in the 
kitchen, and the shadow, which was his 
wife, moving down there, cooking and 
talking on the telephone. 


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LAST CIVIL WAR conina fron poge 68) 


“You've got these kids. They see the movies. They see 
Joe Pesci. They think that's what it’s all about.’” 


Zappile, 46, is a South Philly guy. Take 
Brooklyn and shrink it to less than a 
tenth of its size and you have South 
Philadelphia. About 200,000 people live 
there, many in white ethnic neighbor- 
hoods that have changed little over the 
past 30 years. Loyalty, honor and family 
are celebrated in South Philly, as are its 
most famous sons: Frankie Avalon, Fabi- 
an and James Darren, all of whom grew 
up in the same area, around 10th and 
Jackson streets, where Joey Merlino was 
raised. Gangsters are just a small portion 
of the population, but for decades their 
impact on the city has far outweighed 
their numbers. Angelo Bruno, a long- 
time crime boss in the city, was never a 
candidate for South Philadelphia Man of 
the Year, but he was probably better 
known than contemporaries operating 
at his level in other lines of work. 

The area has also produced its share 
of cops. Zappile grew up around the cor- 
ner from Bruno. As a rookie cop, Zap- 
pile walked past wiseguy hangouts on his 
way to work. Later he was a sergeant ina 
district where several of Bruno’s top as- 
sociates lived and operated Over the 
years, Zappile has seen changes in the 
mobsters’ style: The shift from low-key 
to high profile, from sly and cunning to 
bold and arrogant, was accompanied by 
the loss of values, however repugnant, 
that had once made the organization 
seem invincible. 

At a back table in a deli not far from 
police headquarters, Zappile nurses a 
cup of coffee and talks about the vanish- 
ing older generation of mobsters in 
Philly: “Those guys didn't particularly 
like one another. But guess what? They 
pooled their resources for the good of 
the organization. They didn't flaunt it. 
Who knew what judge they controlled, 
what politician they owned, what cop 
they were paying off? It wasn't some- 
thing that was talked about, you know? 
The guy who can sit in the back, in the 
dark, and wield that kind of power, that 
was a rea] mobster. Bruno was the boss 
and he kept them all in line. What did he 
have over them? It was that code, that 
honor. Omertä. It kept them together. 
They believed in that. That's what's 
missing now.” 

Bruno was killed in 1980. A year later 
he was succeeded by Nicodemo “Little 
Nicky” Scarfo, a paranoid despot who as- 
sumed control in 1981 and over the next 
ten years bankrupted Bruno's organiza- 
tion. Scarfo and more than a dozen oth- 
er top Mob figures are now in jail, serv- 
ing long-term federal prison sentences 


150 as a result of a series of prosecutions that 


began in 1987. But their legacy contin- 
ues, carried on by sons, brothers and 
nephews who still hang out on the street 
corners and in the clubhouses that are 
the nerve centers of the organization. 

“That’s the biggest difference, 
pile says. “Today you've got these 
They sce the movies. They scc Joc Pesci. 
They think that’s what it's all about.” 

The kids. In South Philadelphia, it al- 
ways comes back to the kids. 


If there is a Mob prince in Philadel- 
phia today it is Joey Merlino, the son 
of former Scarfo family underboss Sal- 
vatore Merlino. “Joey knows all the 
moves,” says Nicholas “Nicky Crow” 
Caramandi, a former Scarfo family sol- 
dier and one of the first in a long list of 
Mob turncoats whose testimony brought 
down the Scarfo organization in the late 
Eighties. “His father and his uncle were 
both involved. He grew up with it. Plus, 
the kid always had a lot of balls. 

Joey Merlino had one shot to go legit. 
As a teenager he worked for a horse 
trainer. Short, wiry, with great balance 
and arm strength, Merlino was soon a 
good apprentice jockey. His attorney 
now says Merlino outgrew the job and 
had to give up a promising career, 

His uncle, in a recent interview from 
prison, tells a different story. “He was 
good,” said Lawrence Merlino, who is 
now a cooperating government witness. 
“When he was 16 or 17 he was one of the 
leading apprentice jockeys. We used to 
go watch him race. Scarfo liked the kid. 
He knew he had a lot of guts and he 
wanted him with us. He used to go down 
to Maryland when Joey was racing there. 
Nicky would take him out for crabs. He 
told the kid that horse racing wasn't the 
life for him. It was dirty mucking stables, 
and he could get hurt.” It was odd ad- 
vice from a Mob boss who used violence 
as а management tool; his cight-ycar 
reign was marked by more than two 
dozen Mob murders. 

Joey Мегіпов father and uncle 
climbed the Maha career ladder with 
Scarfo, both assuming positions of au- 
thority once Little Nicky became boss. 
Salvatore Merlino was the hands-on su- 
pervisor of the organization in South 
Philadelphia. Lawrence Merlino, who 
operated a construction company in 
Margate City, New Jersey, was a Mob 
capo who provided the organization 
with an entrée into the casino gambling 
boom of the early Eighties. 

Early in 1987, Scarfo, the elder Merli- 


nos and many others were jailed on a sc- 
ries of charges ranging from extortion 
and conspiracy to first-degree murder. 
They have been in prison ever since. 
When the older generation was sent 
away, Joey Merlino got his big chance. 


Cops like Zappile refer to Joey Mer- 
lino as a “snot-nosed punk,” but in cer- 
tain underworld circles he is feared, if 
not admired, for his guts and swagger- 
ing street-corner style. Investigators are 
convinced that Merlino was behind the 
Schuylkill Expressway ambush, but have 
been unable, thus far, to prove it. In fact, 
Joey Merlino had built his reputation 
long before the bullets started flying. 

Dark-haired and handsome, with 
brooding eyes, Merlino looked, dressed 
and acted the part of a wiseguy. He and 
his associates—the sons, brothers and 
nephews of convicted Scarfo crime-fami- 
ly members—hung out at the best spots 
in the city. They could be spotted in the 
funky joints along South Street and at 
the trendy bars, restaurants and night- 
clubs that sprang up along the Delaware 
River waterfront. Merlino was the ac- 
cepted leader of the group. And because 
of his father, he also had the ear of some 
established, older Mob figures. With a 
foot in each camp, he was positioned to 
become a major player in the changing 
Philadelphia underworld 

He also had a certain flair that attract- 
ed both young and old. There is a story, 
confirmed indirectly by Merlino himself, 
about a Christmas party held two years 
ago at a beauty salon in South Philadel- 
phia where he and some of his friends 
used to go for manicures. Merlino had 
arranged for an associate in the catering 
business to put out a spread—lunch 
meats, cheeses, fruit, bread, desserts— 
and all day long customers who came in 
were invited to join the feast. At one 
point, several young black kids from a 
nearby neighborhood drifted in and be- 
gan eyeing the food. The owner of the 
beauty shop saw them and started mak- 
ing up platters for them. Then Merlino 
stepped in. 

“What are you doin'?" he said to the 
owner. “That's not the way it's done.” 

Merlino pulled a wad of cash from his 
pocket and proceeded to hand a $20 bill 
to each of the seven or eight kids. 

“This is how it’s done,” he said with a 
smile. “Merry Christmas.” 

“Joey was the kind of kid, if he had 
$5000 in his pocket, he'd go out and 
spend $10,000," said Richie Barone, a 
government witness who fingered Merli- 
no in a $352,000 armored-truck heist. 

On the eve of their trial, Barone cut a 
deal with the prosecution and Joey was 
left to stand alone. Convicted and sen- 
tenced to four years in prison, he polite- 
ly told U.S. District Court Judge Nor- 
ma Shapiro, “Thanks for a fair trial.” 


Assistant U.S. Attorney Robert Goldman 
sought a stiff sentence for Merlino, argu- 
ing that the mobster saw the prison term 
as the price of doing business. Merlino's 
attitude, he said, was “all you get is a 
couple of years in prison.” 

In fact, Merlino served a little more 
than two years behind bars. The money 
has never been recovered. 


John Stanfa emerged as the new Mob 
boss while Joey Merlino was away. Like 
Merlino, he brought legitimate Mafia 
credentials to the table, although his 
pedigree was from a different time and 
place. Stanfa came to this country in 
1964 from Sicily where, the Pennsylva- 
nia Crime Commission would later note, 
two brothers and a brother-in-law were 
members of the Mafia. He arrived in 
New York with a letter of introduction 
to Mob boss Carlo Gambino. Gambino 
then asked his good friend, Angelo 
Bruno, if he had anything for Stanfa to 
do in Philadelphia. Bruno welcomed the 
newcomer. Stanfa started a small con- 
struction company—his specialty was 
brick and masonry work—and was listed 
by law enforcement officials at the time 
asa low-level, fringe player in the Bruno 
organization, 

And that's what he remained until the 
night of March 21, 1980, when he was 
asked to drive Bruno home from dinner 
at Cous’ Little Italy, а popular, Mob-run 
South Philadelphia restaurant. To this 
day, no one but the killer is certain how 
the plot unfolded and how Stanfa was in 
position to drive the don home that 
night. What is certain is that as Stanfa 
pulled his car in front of Bruno's row 
house, a man wearing a raincoat walked 
Out of the shadows on the corner, put a 
shotgun to the passenger-side window 
and blew a hole in the back of Angelo 
Bruno's head. That's when the Philadel- 
phia branch of La Cosa Nostra began to 
careen out of control. 

In rapid succession, the mobsters sus- 
pected of being behind the Bruno mur- 
der turned up dead, targeted by both 
Bruno loyalists in Philadelphia and the 
Mob hierarchy in New York which, in a 
display of understandable self-interest, 
decided it could not condone the mur- 
der of a sitting Mafia boss. Of those 
linked to the plot, only Stanfa managed 
to survive the bloodletting that followed. 
He disappeared after being indicted for 
perjury while testifying before a federal 
grand jury investigating the Bruno hit. 
Nine months later he was discovered liv- 
ing under an assumed name in a small 
town outside of Baltimore, working at a 
restaurant linked to the Gambino orga- 
nization. Brought back to Philadelphia, 
he was convicted of perjury and sen- 
tenced to eight years in prison. He 
served more than six years and was 
released in 1987. 


When Stanfa left prison, powerful un- 
derworld forces in both New York and 
Sicily interceded on his behalf. Several 
Philadelphia mobsters who are now co- 
operating with federal authorities tell 
the same tale. At first leaders of the Gam- 
bino family, as a favor to their Sicilian 
brethren, prevailed upon Scarfo and 
other Bruno loyalists to win a reprieve of 
the underworld death sentence placed 
on Stanfa's head. The deal was that Stan- 
fa would return to Sicily after his release. 
Then John Gotti asked Scarfo to allow 
Stanfa to stay in this country. So it was 
that Stanfa went to New York after get- 
ting out of prison. 

By that point, the Philadelphia Mob 
was in disarray. Scarfo’s bloody reign 
brought death, destruction and disorga- 
nization. Not only were two dozen mob- 
sters killed—including a generation of 
potential leaders—but nearly as many 
were convicted and sentenced to lengthy 
terms behind bars, Even more troubling, 
however, was the fact that six “made” 
members of the organization had be- 
come cooperating witnesses. Scarfo's 
slash-and-burn mentality had driven 
some of his closest associates to the wit- 
ness stand, the only viable refuge for 
anyone who had a falling-out with the 
murderous crime boss. The repercus- 
sions would eventually be felt through- 
out the underworld. 

Stanfa, born and raised in the old 
country, a product of the old ways, was 
sent down from New York to fix things 
up. He set about reorganizing around a 


small group of local mobsters whom he 
could trust. The idea was to get back to 
the way Bruno had run things, to avoid 
publicity and attention, to focus on mak- 
ing money rather than making news. 
But too much time had passed and too 
many things had happened. After all, 
this was Philadelphia, not Palermo. 
‘There was a new generation out there. 
Stanfa just never figured on a problem 
from the kids. He never realized that for 
them, La Cosa Nostra begins and ends 
in the neighborhood. 
“From the beginning, they perceived 
John as an outsider,” said a local gambler 
familiar with the current underworld 
and who, in the interest of his secu- 
rity, asked not to be identified. “They 
didn't look at it as a Mafia thing. They 
thought of it as a South Philly thing. 
Their fathers and undes were all in jail 
and this guy comes rolling into town and 
they thought, Who the hell is he? 
“Stanfa has a meeting in this restau- 
rant with Joey Merlino and some of the 
other kids, and he thinks he’s got every- 
thing settled. But he didn't know who he 
was dealing with. These kids, they turn 
оп you in a minute, And the funny thing 
s, ifthe kids had listened, all this bullshit 
could have been avoided. Now, it’s all 
falling apart. See, they're not global. 
They don't have the long view. To them, 
it's their corner and he’s trying to take 
over. 
The first signs of trouble came in Jan- 
чагу 1992, when a gambling dispute 
erupted over control of the weekly street 


жайы 


ETA 


“Technically, your boyfriend is correct. But, medically 
speaking, a blow job is not oral birth control.” 


151 


PLAYBOY 


tax bookmakers were supposed to pay. 
An old-time Mob bookmaker named Fe- 
lix Bocchino was collecting for Stanfa, 
but some Merlino associates were арраг- 
ently trying to horn in on the action. 
Bocchino was gunned down in an early- 
morning ambush near his home. 

In retaliation, two shotgun-wielding 
assassins set a trap for Michael Ciancagli- 
ni, one of the so-called Young Turks run- 
ning with Joey Merlino. Ciancaglini, 30, 
was walking home one night when the 
two hit men jumped out of a car parked 
near his house. The young mobster took 
cover, narrowly beating the gunmen to 
his front door. Shotgun blasts peppered 
the front of the brick row home and 
shattered a window, but Ciancaglini es- 
caped unharmed. 

Ciancaglini, like Merlino, was the son 
of an imprisoned mobster. His father 
was Joe “Chang” Ciancaglini, the en- 
forcer for the Bruno organization who 
later became a capo under Scarfo. Joe 
Chang had three sons. The oldest, John, 
was doing a seven-year stint in federal 
prison on an extortion rap. Michael was 
the youngest. In between was Joe Jr. 
who was not as tough as Michael, but was 
said to be considerably smarter. Young 
Joe sided with Stanfa and, in a move de- 
signed to stanch the bloodletting and 
bridge the generation gap, Stanfa elevat- 
ed him to the rank of underboss. “Joe 
was supposed to be the bridge between 
Stanfa and the kids,” said the gambler. 
“It made a lot of sense." 

The fragile peace held for several 
months and solidified in September 
1992 when Stanfa held a formal “making 
ceremony” and inducted five new mem- 


bers into his organization—including 
Joey Merlino (who had just been paroled 
in the armored-truck case), Michael 
Ciancaglini and Biaggio Adornetto, a 
young Sicilian newly arrived in the city. 
Adornetto, one of three Stanfa соп- 
fidants now cooperating with the gov- 
ernment, told prosecutors he couldn't 
understand why Stanfa was making 
Merlino and Mike Ciancaglini because 
he knew the Mob boss didn’t trust them. 
As Stanfa was taking him to the making 
ceremony, Adornetto said he asked 
about this and Stanfa said that he want- 
ed to keep them close, but that he knew 
he would eventually have to kill them. 

In the South Philadelphia under- 
world, the game of intrigue intensified. 
Behind the scenes, both sides were lin- 
ing up their shots. Secretly recorded 
conversations, made public after Stanfa 
and 23 others were indicted on March 
17, 1994, show the Mob boss ranting and 
raving about Merlino and his young as- 
sociates. They didn't understand, he 
said. They had “no respect.” He talked 
of importing hit men from Si 
threatened to take a Knife and cut out 
the tongue of one Merlino loyalist. “And 
we'll send it to the wife,” he said. 

When the peace was broken, however, 
the shots came from the other direction. 
Joe Ciancaglini, Stanfa's underboss, his 
bridge to the Young Turks, was gunned 
down early on the morning of March 2, 
1003. Two masked gunmen entered the 
garage of a luncheonette he owned just 
down the street from Stanfa's Continen- 
tal Foods and opened fire. Ciancaglini 
was hit five times in the face and neck. 
He survived, but barely. Today, his face 


“We were wrong about Roger, dear . . - 
he's not gay after all!” 


disfigured, his hearing and speech im- 
paired, Joe Ciancaglini is no longer able 
to function as underboss. The shooting, 
which seemingly pitted brother against 
brother, ended any thought of reconci 
ation. Stanfas attempt to merge the 
young and old factions into one cohesive 
crime family was over. 

Angry, frustrated and bent оп ге- 
venge, Stanfa began making plans to kill 
Merlino and his supporters, and FBI 
bugs picked up much of his plotting on 
tape. Some of the most fruitful listening 
devices were planted in the Camden, 
New Jersey offices of Stanfa's criminal 
defense attorney, Salvatore Avena. Fed- 
eral authorities later charged that Stanfa 
used the pretext of visiting with his at- 
torney—and the cover of lawyer-client 
privilege—to meet with other mobsters. 

Two months after the Joe Ciancaglini 
shooting, Stanfa and Sergio Battaglia, a 
young mob associate, met in Avena's 
office to plan the murder of Merlino, 
Michael Ciancaglini and Gacton Lucibel- 
lo, another Merlino loyalist. In a burst of 
confidence, Battaglia began discussing 
how to dispose of the bodies once the 
hits were carried out. He suggested that 
the remains be dumped outside the 
Philadelphia area. “Maybe we'll take one 
to New York, one down to Delaware,” 
Battaglia offered. “We spread them out.” 

Then Stanfa had a better idea, per- 
haps drawing on his background as a 
ason and bricklayer, “No, no,” he said 
in his fractured, heavily accented Eng- 
lish. “What we do, we put a little con- 
crete. They got already-mixed concrete. 
As soon as we do it, we put [the body] in 
the trunk, at night. This way the con- 
crete hardens and we'll go dump them.” 

‘Talk then shifted to the proper tech- 
nique for a shot to the head. Both 
Battaglia and Stanfa agreed that a bullet 
should enter at an angle. It was likely to 
destroy more brain matter that way. 

“Over here,” said Stanfa, evidently 
gesturing at the prime point of entry. 
“It’s the best. Right behind the саг.” 

The next day Stanfa and two other as- 
sociates were recorded planning a hit at 
the South Philadelphia clubhouse where 
Merlino, Mike Ciancaglini and Lucibello 
were hanging out. 

“I don't want to mess it up," Stanfa 
told the others. “All three, they gotta go.” 


In underworld and law enforcement 
circles, the smart money was оп Stanfa. 
“Joey's living on borrowed time,” said 
one detective. “He's a walking dead man 
and he knows it," said another. Federal 
authorities warned Merlino, Ciancaglini 
and several other young Mob figures, 
but the kids just laughed it off 

On August 5, 1993 they stopped 
laughing. Ciancaglini and Merlino met 
late that morning in their clubhouse 
at Sixth and Catharine. The two-story 


brick building was formerly the store- 
front office of Greenpeace, the environ- 
mental group, whose sign still hung over 
the door. Now it was Merlino's head- 
quarters in the war against Stanfa. 

The place was under constant surveil- 
lance. The ЕБІ trained a hidden camera 
on the front door. Arrivals and depar- 
tures were clocked and recorded. Merli- 
no and Ciancaglini walked out a little af- 
ter one р.м. and headed, on foot, up 
Sixth Street and off camera. As they 
walked, a white Ford Taurus crept slow- 
ly up the street behind them. Less than a 
block from the clubhouse door, the car 
stopped and two men jumped out, 
opening fre. Ciancaglini slumped to the 
sidewalk, dead. Merlino turned to run 
and took a shot in the buttocks. He made 
it back to the clubhouse as the Taurus 
sped away. 

Five days later, Michael Ciancaglini's 
funeral Mass was held at the Epiphany 
of Our Lord Roman Catholic Church at 
11th and Jackson. He left the church ina 
box that day. Joey Merlino walked out 
leaning on a cane. That about summed 
up law enforcement's view of the young, 
renegade faction of the Mob. Stanfa was 
in control. Or so they thought. Three 
weeks later, the Mob boss and his son 
were ducking for cover on the Schuyl- 
kill Expressway and the blood was fow- 
ing again. 

Inthe weeks that followed, three more 
mobsters were hit. One. a Merlino asso- 
ciate named Frank Baldino, was killed, 
shot behind the wheel of his Cadillac. 
Police, concerned about the wanton dis- 
regard for innocent bystanders in both 
the Schuylkill ambush and the Baldino 
shooting, started a street-level crack- 
down. Eight gangsters were pinched for 
weapons offenses, and the cops confis- 
cated various handguns, mostly .38s and 
-380-caliber revolvers found under the 
seats and in the glove compartments of 
some of the cars that were stopped. 

Merlino remained number one on 
Stanfa's hit list, targeted in a series of 
bizarre murder plots. A sniper staked 
out the apartment of a woman with 
whom Merlino sometimes lived, but he 
didn't show up. A bomb was planted un- 
der his car, but it failed to go off. It was 
planted again, and again the detonation 
device malfunctioned. In an even more 
ludicrous plan, Stanfa hoped to use a 
go-go dancer to poison Merlino. The 
woman, who did not agree to carry out 
the plot, was told to dress up and go to 
one of the nightclubs Merlino and his 
friends frequented. She was supposed to 
get close to the group, and then drop 
cyanide into Merlino's drink and the 
drinks of anyone who was with him, said 
a federal prosecutor. 

The FBI probably saved Joey Merli- 
no’s life by taking him off the street be- 
fore that plan could be carried out. Mer- 
lino was supposed to be working for an 
aluminum-siding company asa salesman 


and, according to parole terms in the 
1990 armored-truck robbery case, was 
prohibited from associating with known 
felons. The FBI camera trained on the 
clubhouse door at Sixth and Catharine 
told a different story. At a parole viola- 
tion hearing, federal prosecutor Robert 
Goldman documented Merlino’s pres- 
ence in the clubhouse on days when his 
work records indicated he was out giving 
estimates for installation work. It also 
showed him in the presence of wiseguys. 
Judge Norma Shapiro sentenced Merli- 
no to three years in jail. 

In March 1994 Stanfa and 23 others 
were indicted in a sweeping federal rack- 
eteering case and they, too, were taken 
out of circulation. The charges, a con- 
spiracy built around the Racketeering 
Influenced and Corrupt Organizations 
Act, include the murders of Michael 
Giancaglini and Frank Baldino, plus 
nearly a dozen conspiracy and attempt- 
ed-murder charges—including the vari- 
ous plots to get Joey Merlino—along 
with one kidnapping charge and numer- 
ous counts of €xtortion and gambling. 
Stanfa, if convicted, faces life in prison. 
top associates are looking at 
potential prison terms of 20 to 40 years. 

Three top associates, including the hit 
men in the Mike Giancaglini killing, are 
now cooperating and are expected to 
testify when the case comes to trial later 
this year or early in 1995. In addition, 
there are hours of taped conversations 
in which Stanfa and several of his co-de- 
fendants discuss murder plots, extor- 
tions and various other racketeering 
gambits. The case is an echo of the 1987 
RICO indictment that sent Scarfo and 
15 of his top associates to prison. It i 
so similar to the series of Mob indict- 
ments that put Gotti and the leaders of 
other New York crime families behind 
bars. And it is yet another nail in the 
coffin of the Philadelphia Mob, more ev- 
idence that La Cosa Nostra is dying. 

Missing from the indictment, however, 
are Joey Merlino and most of the mem- 
bers of his Mob faction. They are said to 
be the targets of a separate federal inves- 
ligation, one built around the Schuylkill 
Expressway ambush and several other 
acts of violence aimed at the Stanfa orga- 
nization. Whether the feds have enough 
to bring an indictment, however, re- 
mains to be seen. Thus far, nobody from 
Joey's side of the street is talking. No- 
body is cooperating. Nobody has been 
before the grand jury. 

This has surprised no one. The kids 
all grew up together. They hung out 
around Tenth and Jackson. That was 
their corner. They fought the guys from 
Tenth and Porter or Third and Wolf, but 
never each other. 

They know about loyalty. 

It's a neighborhood thing. 


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WHAT I LIVED FÜR. continua from page 118) 


“He'd like to bury his face between those hefty big- girl: s 
breasts, tearing through the silvery-twinkly fabric.” 


PLAYBOY 


but never kept up any contact afterward. 
And in Union City, over the years. Since 
the Sixties. It seems if you're white 
you're always courting blacks and they 
seem to like you well enough but they 
never call you back, never invite you 
over. Except for political connections 
it's the same thing with Vic Slattery, Vic 
confessed to Corky. You feel like such 
a hypocrite. 

But Corky in his warm erotic daze isn’t 
thinking much of these matters. Nor se- 
riously listening to Marilee and Kiki 
chattering across him, their Нігіу- 
oblique allusions, teasing-taunting as in- 
comprehensible to his ear as if they were 
speaking a foreign language, poor Corky 
in his chic sharkskin Polo suit, metallic 
midnight-blue Hermés tie, his hard-on 
the size of a bowling pin draining all the 
blood from his faltering brain, thus he 
can't think, isn't trying to think, it's Fri- 
day night and he's a free man, a di- 
vorced man with no encumbrances save 
memory—and what’s memory if your brain’s 
shut down?—and his American Express 
Gold Card is his ticket to ecstasy or at 
least oblivion. How Jerome A. Corcoran 
of 33 Summit Avenue, Union City, New 
York, Democratic city councilman and 
ine president of the council and 
millionaire businessman-financier has 
wound up at (he Zephir, this overpriced 
and glitzy-tacky nightspot listening to a 
combo like Muzak played with air ham- 
mers and chainsaws and a lead singer, 
gravel-voiced, singing bad Lou Reed. 
His head's not only buzzing from scotch 
but vibrating and rattling, and these 
amazing girls on both sides squeezed in- 
to the banquette-booth, he'll be unable 
to recall afterward. Nor will he be able to 
recall the precise sequence of events that 
will lead him—no, propel him with ver- 
tiginous speed—to the emergency room 


Marilee, Kiki. No need for last names 
in the Zephir. Sharp, shrewd girls but 
they know how to play, too. Smart ca- 
reer-oriented girls, grown-up girls. OF 
that new breed of strong-willed young 
women masquerading 2s girls, health 
club members, some of them body- 
builders and all of them with an eye on 
the prize, not feminine but female, fashion 
condoms in their Gucci purses and they 
know how to ply them. To be frank, 
Corky would be scared as hell of such 
women except he's had so much practice 
handling women. And women are 
drawn to him. From the age of 14 on- 
ward Corky Corcoran has practically 
had to fend females off, and of course 

154 he’s a gentleman, too, or has made him- 


self into one, a small price to pay for the 
prizes a gentleman gets that some crude 
asshole hasn't a clue he might be miss- 
ing, like a man who drinks Four Roses 
instead of Johnnie Walker Red or drives 
a budget car instead of a really good car 
hasn't a clue what he might be missing in 
life, poor dumb prick. 

A small price to pay, thinks Corky, 
dazedly grinning. Lifting his glass— Ill 
drink to that!” and Marilee and Kiki 
raise their glasses, too, drinking to what- 
ever it is they're drinking to. 

This, then: Marilee the dusky-skinned 
beauty and Kiki the pale, frantic beauty 
are leaning across Corky Corcoran chat- 
tering, giggling, making jokes that elude 
him, maybe involve him but elude him 
and thus the more hilarious for being ut- 
tered in his smiling presence, in his lap 
you might say—where both girls are 
leaning familiarly in, thighs warmly ag- 
gressive against his. Marilee giving him 
plenty of her fleshy-doughy breast 
against his arm. Kiki giving off a stoned 
radiant heat in his face. Corky's cock is so 
immense and rock-hard the girls can't 
seem to keep their hands from brushing 
against his knees, thighs, crotch, for con- 
versational emphasis perhaps, the way, 
so seemingly innocently and by chance, a 
woman will touch a man’s arm, or wrist, 
or lightly tap the back of his hand as she 
speaks to him, so seemingly innocently 
and by chance. Oh God, yes. Corky loves 
“ет, Corky's crazy about ‘em, these ter- 
rific girls, these grown-up flirty-sexy 
wild-reckless fantastic girls. Corky 
doesn’t have a clue who they are really, 
he'd be the first to admit he doesn't have 
a fucking clue who they are as girls, as 
women, as fellow citizens, hard to think 
of them as fellow citizens in fact, like 
these feminists yammering on about a 
woman's personhood, a woman isn't just 
tits and ass and she can fuck and she can 
serve, Corky's bemused trying to consid- 
er a woman's personhood, If it isn’t her 
body, what the fuck is it? Why the fuck is 
it? Corky doesn't have а due, but he isn’t 
going to let that worry him, not now, not 
tonight, fuck that heavy crap, too much 
talk in the world and too much commu- 
nication, Corky's thinking, communica- 
tion of the wrong kind. Corky doesn’t 
know what these girls want out of him, 
he only knows, or thinks he knows, what 
he wants of them. 

And oh God does he. Does he want it. 

Marilee leaning across Corky from the 
left, Kiki from the right, Corky guesses 
every guy in the Zephir's staring at him 
in envy, yes, and they'd be right, poor 
bastards. It's Marilee whom Corky's 


most dazzled by, can't keep from sniffing 
her, Doggy-Corky with his nose alert and 
sensitive as his prick, his nose is a kind of 
prick he’s thinking, laughing thinking, 
Christ he's drunk but happy drunk, elat- 
ed drunk, not mean drunk and certainly 
not falling-down drunk, Corky'll show 
"ет. Marilee's bronze fingernails tap- 
ping his knuckles so Corky's dying to 
seize her hand, grab hold and suck at the 
fingers, her exotic cornrow braids are 
slithering like snakes in his face, Corky's 

n is beginning to go, his eyeballs 
misting over, Doggy-Corky who'd like 
nothing better than to poke his avid nose 
into the crevice of Marilee's neck, а 
plump dimpled fold of skin, yes, and 
nuzzle the nape of her neck, and her 
breasts, he'd like nothing better than to 
bury his face between those hefty big- 
girl’s breasts, tearing through the sil- 
very-twinkly fabric with his teeth, then 
down on his knees beneath the table 
burying his face between her thighs, her 
bush he knows must be thick, kinky-wiry, 
very black, and her vaginal lips as fleshy- 
warm as her lipsticked lips, and her clit 
that’s fat and hard and pumping-hot 
with blood, he'd guess it’s a larger clit 
than any he'd ever seen or touched or 
tongued or even imagined, not a Cau- 
casian clit buta black clit, this girl may be 
high yellow but she is black, black blood 
in her, that makes a difference, Corky 
knows. Practically swooning now, pant- 
ing like an actual dog, not trusting him- 
self to raise his glass to drink, he’s in two 
places simultaneously, crowded in the 
booth between Marilee and Kiki and 
also beneath the table with his face 
between Marilce's fleshy-warm-damp 
thighs, down there between her legs 
where she's wet, slick and wet, and he's 
tonguing her like mad, Gorky knows to 
set the pace, the rhythm, how to vary the 
rhythm, it's a gradually accelerating 
rhythm and the pressure of the tongue 
must increase, he’s going to bring off 
Marilee right here on the sticky red 
leather banquette amid the air-hammer 
disco, yes, but they'll stop you, some- 
body will stop you, no, Marilee won't let 
Corky stop, Marilee has Corky's head 
pinioned between her muscular thighs 
and she won't let him go, leaning back 
and pushing up into his face, her pelvis 
rocking like mad, and the rhythm so fast 
now there's almost no pause between 
beats, like that weird thing he'd read the 
other night sleepless and horny: Ten mil- 
lion trillion neutrinos speed through your 
brain and body in a single instant! One single 
instant of the unfathomable instants that con- 
stitute a life! Almost no pause as Marilee 
leans back moaning and gasping for 
breath, digging her bronze-polished 
talons into Corky’s curly hair that’s 
damp with sweat and murmuring 
“Mmmmmmmm white man, you sure 
do know how!” Except Corky's so excit- 
ed he's close to losing it if one of these 
girls so much as brushes her fingers 


against his thigh, let alone his crotch. 
He's fearful he'll come in his pants, and 
not inconspicuously but with a groan, а 
sob, a yelp, he's terrified this is going to 
happen, coming in his pants like a kid, 
like that time he was sure he was going 
to come in the confessional, the actual 
confessional—a nightmare episode that 
went on and on and on as Father Sulli- 
van interrogated him in pitiless detail 
about impure thoughts and practices 
since his last confession the previous Sat- 
urday, how many times a night do you 
commit this impure act, my son? What 
arc the impure thoughts that accompany 
it, my son? Do you not know that such 
impure thoughts and acts are like thorns 
in the heart of Our Savior, my son?—the 
old beery-breathed priest wheezing and 
grunting, settling his bulk closer to the 
confessional grill, insisting Jerome lean 
his mouth right against the grill to speak 
directly into his ear, otherwise I can't 
hear you, my son, you speak so sofily, 1 
won't be able to absolve you of your sins, 
and these are grievous mortal sins, my 
son. Come closer. 

Clos-er. 

Thinking of the old priest sobers 
Corky, for a few minutes at least, he feels 
the hot-pulsing blood drain out of his 
cock, his thoughts aren't so muddled, 
wipes his face with a cocktail napkin: Je- 
sus, sweating like a pig. His hand's 
steady enough to trust with a glass. And 
the girls are gaily raising theirs, d. 
rcd wine, sparkling long-stemmcd glass- 
ез, a toast to you, and to you—and to me. 

“Waitress?—another round here.” 

A good thing Corky’s in control of 
himself again: this flirty Kiki nudging 
her sharp little chin against his shoulder, 
her wine-stained tongue protruding be- 
tween her lips, and she's trailing her 
long beringed fingers against his belt 
buckle, the girl is high on something and 
not just red Bordeaux. Corky's attracted 
to her, too, Kiki's a physical type like 
Thalia, tall willowy-thin small-breasted 
narrow-thighed very young-looking and 
enormous-eyed girls, hectic nerved-up 
mannerisms, probably their pulses are 
faster than the normal pulse, heartbeat 
faster, thc classic ectomorph type, or is it 
endomorph?—Corky can never keep the 
two straight, he's a mesomorph 

Meaning square in the middle, the 
most common physical type. 

Only maybe just a little too short for a 
man, at five feet nine. 

Marilee’s a bit calmed, too, admiring 
Kiki’s jewelry, her exotic earrings in par- 
ticular. Corky's noticed the half-dozen 
gold studs in the girl's car, also a crucl- 
looking gold clamp on the outer whorl 
of the ear, sort of butch, sexy. Suddenly 
Corky's enthralled with Kiki's ear, 105 so 
delicate in its contours, so exposed. He 
says, touching the clamp gingerly with a 
forefinger, “Honey, this thing must hurt 
like hell. What is 

Kiki shivers, and giggles. The move- 


ment of her shoulders—shrinking, com- 
bative, provocative—reminds Corky of 
Thalia. She says huskily, “Well, Corky, 
maybe I like hurt.” 

Marilee takes this up, a big toothy 
smile. “Maybe Kiki likes hurt, оГ Freckle- 
head, you ever thought of that?” 

So. Somehow it happens that Kiki re- 
moves the cruel-looking gold clamp 
from her ear, and Marilee, who is wear- 
ing, this evening, big amber rhomboids, 
eye-catching but conventional earrings, 
examines it with a bemused expres- 
sion, and Corky’s got to examine it, too. 
Corky insists on taking it and fumbles to 
fit it on his own car, and both Marilee 
and Kiki are dissolved in laughter, and 
Corky says, “Hey, gimme a hand, eh?” so 
Kiki fits, more precisely forces, the 
clamp on his ear. 

And in that instant the clamp's on. 

“Oh God.” 

Pain like a razor slicing the outer rim 
of Corky's ear. Pain like a flash of light- 
ning blinding him. Pain like a shout, like 
a scream, like a shriek. Corky yanks at 
the clamp but it docsn't come off. God- 
damn it doesn't come off. He knows he's 


= == 
OS) 


made a mistake, already breaking into a 
cold sweat, trying to laugh, muttering, 
“It’s a little tight, it hurts—can you get it 
off?" Marilce and Kiki sec sudden, 
serious business. Mr. Corcoran has gone 
dead-white in the face and looks as if he's 
about to pass out. How old is he? they 
might be wondering. In their 40s men 
start to have heart attacks. 

So, biting their lips to maintain grave 
expressions, the girls try to pry Kiki's 
clamp off Corky's ear. His poor right ear. 
Poor Cork! They take turns, Marilee's 
long fingernails are impractical for such 
a task, and Kiki's too nerved-up, breath- 
less. Minutes of mounting pain, agony, 
pass as the girls tug, twist, wriggle, 
wrench at the brutal thing, with no luck. 

Corky mutters, his face, his entire 
head, aflame, “Goddamn, gold damn 
fucking thing, this isn’t funny, goddamn 
get it off. Get it off” Hearing, he thinks, 
the girls’ muffled giggles, though when 
he turns to them, tears brimming in his 
eyes, they look innocent enough, sympa- 
thetic and apologetic. Oh so sorry, 
Corky!—so sorry! 

Corky's losing it. Corky's got a temper 


“I think we took a wrong turn between the 


fifth and sixth holes.” 


and Corky's in pain, it's only the outer 
whorl, the rim, of his car, but God what 
pain!—like a torture instrument, like an 
instrument that’s being tightened, so 
he’s sweating like a pig, ashamed and 
panicked and in utter physical distress 
that’s at the same time laughable distress, 
porky Corky! And so clumsily on his feet 
the table’s almost overturned. And Kiki's 
part-filled wineglass goes clattering to 
the floor, splashing wine on Corky's 
gray sharp-creased trousers. 
" says Corky, and, “Fuck it, get this 
” says Corky, and “Goddamn, this 
isn't funny,” says Corky, his eyes leaking 
tears, his vision shimmering yet he can 
see, and he'll remember seeing, the be- 
mused faces of other patrons, quizzical 
glances and concerned frowns and out- 
right smiles, grins. And Corky Corcoran in 
the most astonishing physical distress, though 
its only—what?—a gold clamp of no 
more than two inches affixed to his ear. 
His ear! 

Corky is tearing so frantically at the 
thing, Marilee Plummer grabs his hand 
to prevent him from ripping his very ear 
off—"Oh, oh! Corky, no!” It's the most 
sincere she’s been all evening, but Corky 
isn't in a mood to notice. The Zephir 
manager, who knows Corky Corcoran, 
or in any case knows him as an occasion- 
al free-spending patron of the Zephir, 
hurries over to see what the problem is 
and to restrain Corky, who's on his feet 
staggering blindly and cursing, “Fuck it, 
get this fucking thing off, this is no 
joke!" —o the astonishment of other pa- 
wonsand the surprise of the combo. The 
Lou Reed imitator actually pauses, fraz- 
zled hair like а wig, wasted eyes staring. 
Kiki is crying, “Oh Im sorry! Гтп sorry! 
Oh dear!”—but spoils the effect by burst- 
ing into laughter and having to hide her 
face, and Marilee scolds, “Girl! Come on! 
This is no joke!” But Marilee, too, is biting 
her lips to keep from laughing. By this 
time Corky's a man so driven by pain, 
fury, humiliation, he pushes these cruel 
girls aside, makes his way blindly out of 
the lounge hoping to hell among these 
gaping bemused patrons there's nobody 
who knows him. He's walking hunched 
over like an elderly man, fearing total ig- 
nominious collapse, his face dead-white 
and even his freckles bleached out, 
cheeks glistening with tears as voices call 
after him—"Corky! Corky!"—but Corky 
pays no heed, Corky's through with 
mock sympathy, mock solicitude, he’s 
too distracted by his inflamed ear, the 
wild throbbing heartbeat in his ear loud 
as the combo's drumbeat, refuses aid 
from the Zephir manager who with a 
straight face offers to get pliers, or 
maybe a screwdriver would be better to 
force the clamp off the ear. Corky says, 
“Get away! Go to hell! Leave me alone!” 
clutching at his dignity as a man might 
clutch at a threadbare towel to cover his 
nakedness in the eyes of strangers. And 

156 then he's outside. Reeling, swaying like a 


PLAYBOY 


drunk except he's stone-cold sober, his 
knees turned to water and suddenly he's 
puking out his guts in the parking lot, in 
no condition to drive himself to the hos- 
pital so he limps up the street to a taxi 
stand and falls into a taxi, asking the 
driver to please take him fast to Union 
City General Hospital (which is about 
two miles away) insisting he isn't having 
a heart attack, he isn’t going to die in the 
back of the taxi. The driver smells vomit 
and has possibly seen the flash of the 
fucking thing on Corky's ear, though 
Corky’s trying his best to hide it, yet not 
too conspicuously, with his right hand. 

And hurrying, limping, head ducked, 
into the emergency room entrance at 
Union City General, rushing into bright 
lights and that unmistakable hospital- 
disinfectant smell, teeth gritted against 
the pain in his ear that seems now a vir- 
tual blossom of pain, an irradiated псе 
of pain, Corky's vision blurred as if un- 
derwater yet seeing with humiliating 
clarity the curious, bemused glances of 
strangers, thank God they are strangers, 
no one here seems to know who Corky 
is. Nor does the name Jerome Andrew 
Corcoran mean anything to the middle- 
aged nurse-receptionist on duty at the 
busy hour of 11 рм. on a Friday in 
downtown Union City. The woman 
maintains a deadpan sort of sympathy, 
Corky stammers explaining the acci- 
dent, he knows it's trivial but it hurts like 
hell. A woman friend put the earring on 
him, and it won't come off. 

And then a wait, a wait of how many 
minutes? Many. The waiting room’s al- 
ready filled when Corky hobbles in, a 
groaning young man bleeding through 
a roll of gauze wrapped around his head 
is carried hurriedly by on a stretcher. 
Corky's embarrassed at his own problem 
and spends the 90 minutes pacing and 
prowling about in the outer lobby, in ad- 
jacent corridors, he avoids others’ eyes, 
he shrinks and skulks and ducks around 
comers, in a men’s lavatory he stares as- 
tonished at his face that's pale yet mot- 
ued, flushed, freckles standing out in 
comical relief like raindrops tinged with 
dirt, sweet ol’ Frecklehead, Fuckhead, Corky 
Corcoran. He fills a sink with water as 
cold as he can get it, dunks his head in it, 
his red-swollen right car and that side of 
his face, teeth chattering, and again des- 
perately and clumsily he tries to work 
the clamp loose, tries to slide it up, 
down, considers for a moment actually 
ripping this part of his ear off, but the 
pain is so intense he loses his balance, 
slips, strikes his head hard against the 
side of the porcelain sink, almost knocks 
himself out. 

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck it!” 

Not until 12:34 a.m. is Jerome Andrew 
Corcoran’s name called, and at last he’s 
led weakly into an examining room, try- 
ing not to wince with pain and cven to 
assume a measure of dignity as a tall 


lanky bespectacled black intern, young 
kid no more than 25 or 26, examines the 
afflicted ear, tugs experimentally at the 
clamp, maintaining an air of profession- 
al decorum no matter what he’s think- 
ing, “Hurts, huh? Wow, the earlobe's 
swollen.” Corky has to bite his lip to keep 
from screaming. The intern insists he lie 
down on an examining table, try to ге- 
lax, important to relax, mister, and he 
and a young Asian nurse work at loosen- 
ing the clamp. You'd think they might 
get it off within seconds but in fact it 
takes minutes as Corky lies with his eyes 
tight shut leaking tears as what he imag- 
ines are surgical instruments are applied 
to the clamp. By this time Corky's ear 
has swollen to twice its normal size in ге- 
verse proportion to his cock, which has 
shrunk to half its normal detumescent 
size, and the pain has become abstract, 
not an extraneous and accidental factor 
in his life but a defining element in that 
life— This is the price you have to pay for be- 
ing Corky Corcoran. And suddenly the 
clamp is off. 

Corky sits up slowly, tentatively, red- 
eyed and sniffing. He tries to smile, does 
in fact smile—“Thanks! 1 can’t tell you 
how much!” The black intern, the pretty 
Asian nurse joke with their patient now, 
treat the injured ear with a smarting dis- 
infectant, damned thing still hurts like 
hell and feels like it’s balloon-size and 
shredded like raw meat but Corky's anx- 
ious to show he’s OK now, he’s a good 
sport, his thanks are profuse, he isn't 
drunk now but indeed stone-cold sober 
yet he sounds a little drunk, giddy, his 
voice loud, saying to the intern, “Well, 
doctor, I bet you've never had to remove 
one of these goddamned things from 
anybody's ear before,” and the intern 
says with a grin, “In fact, mister, we re- 
move ‘ет all the time, from all parts of 
the body, y'know? It’s like an epidemic 
out there, all kinds of kinky-funky go- 
ings-on." And he and the pretty Asian 
nurse dissolve in laughter Corky hopes 
isnt edged with cruelty, Corky hopes 
isn't at his expense. 

‘As Corky prepares to leave the exam- 
ining cubicle the intern asks him, 
“Hmmm, mister, don’t you want your 
earring?” with a curly smile, holding the 
twisted chunk of metal in the palm of his 
hand, fucking thing isn’t gold or plat- 
inum, just some cheaply glittering crap 
metal now bent nearly flat, hard to com- 
prehend how it could have caused such 
agony in a grown man. Corky's smiling, 
Corky's a guy who can take a joke, ex- 
cept suddenly he slaps the black kid's 
hand and sends the clamp fying— 
“Don't fuck with me! Just send me the 
billl"—charging blind out of the emer- 
gency room and out of the goddamned 
hospital, ol' Freckhead's had enough for 


one night. 
El 


PLAYBOY 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


NEXT, AUTOTRANS 


esitant to try in-line skating for fear of kissing concrete? 
Well, breathe easy, blade runner. New braking systems 
on skates by Rollerblade and Oxygen feature mecha- 
nisms that automatically bring you to a halt when you 
perform a simple foot movement (described below). Oxygen has 
introduced another innovative feature called Autorock, which lets 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


you easily adjust your wheels for greater speed and maneuverabil- 
ity. Wayne Gretzky's signature skate, the Great One by Ultra 
Wheels, is specially ventilated to keep your socks dry. And K2's ul- 
tracool line of skates includes racing models with soft sncaker-style 
uppers that can be warmed in an oven to conform perfectly to 
your feet. Once shaped, they will retain that form permanently. 


Clockwise from top left: 
K2's Extreme Flight 
recreational skate com- 
bines a carbon frame 
with a nylon mesh and 
synthetic leather hiking- 
boot-style upper, about 
$240. The Bravoblade 
GLX skatc features active 
brake technology (slide 
your right foot forward 
and a cuff mechanism 
pushes the heel brake 

to the pavement), by 
Rollerblade, $229. Ultra 
Wheels’ the Great One is 
an advanced recreational 
skate with an air-vent de- 
sign, $189. The futuristic 
Krypton KrO3 with Au- 
torock has а spring-con- 
trolled power-brake sys- 
tem, by Oxygen, $300. 


Where & How to Buy on page 135. 


157 


GRAPEVINE 


The Bottom Line 


Actress LISA BOYLE has appeared on the big screen in 
Sweet Dreams and Art of Murder and on TV in NYPD 
Blue and Dream On. She's also in the pilot for Ocean 
Park. Applause for 
her bodysuit, 


«She calls her mu: > 
sicamixof . 
Nashville and . ... 
Memphis, and | 
, DEBORAH ALLEN 
"proves iton АЛ 

That t Am. lt hit 

the airwaves as 

she hit the road. 
Although she has 
writfén for Diana 
Ross, Sheena Eas- 

ton and Loretta 

Lynn, Allen [1 
had one cM 
nomination of her 


“own Со, girl. 


It'sin 
the Cards 

If you can, catch B.B. 
KING on the Blues Mu- 
sic Festival tour featur- 
ing Dr. John, Little Feat 
and a Muddy Waters 
tribute band. Then get 
his duet LP with Diane 
Schuur, Heart to Heart. 
The king of the blues 
holds court. 


Last of the Mohicans 
Singer, songwriter and painter BILL 
MILLER is half Mohican and all folk- 
singer. Miller brings his acoustic 
story-songs to a wide audience, 
both in person—he's currently 
opening for Tori Amos—and on 
his album The Red Road. Says 
Miller, “Doing this album was 
like writing my story.” He'll 
play you a chapter. 


Sea 
and Be Seen 
TERESA LANGLEY was a 
featured extra in Rocky 
V, Kick Boxer И and Sib- 
ling Rivalry and ap- 
peared in a Coors tight 
beer commercial. Teresa 
rocks our boat. 


No Fin, No Grin 

YVETTE STEFENS is a knockout. For more, get her 
Frederick’s of Hollywood poster and the catalog. 
Look for her in a Pringles Right commercial and 
in music videos. We call this a net profit. 


H 
H 


The No-Clothes Pose 


KENDRA OXNER was a contender in our 40th An- 
niversary Playmate Search. Her titles include Miss 
Budweiser, Miss Riverfest and Miss Ujena Interna- 
tional. Want to cast a vote? 


POTPOURRI 


A SEAWORTHY LAUNCH ” 


Nautical Collector, “the journal of nautical ап- 
tiques, collectibles and nostalgia,” has just 
shoved off, so if you have salt water in your 
yeins, subscribe today. It covers everything nau- 


MASTER SEX 


“I wrote this book for 
everyone who wants to 
be a better lover,” be- 


tical, including lighthouses, model ships, gins Masterpiece Sex, 
seascape art and sources for maritime artifacts. subtitled “The Art of 
There is even an article on the history of Life Sexual Discovery.” But 


Savers candy, as well asa listing of the latest 
maritime antique auctions. Price for 12 issues is 
$36 sent to Nautical Collector, RO. Box 16734, 
Arlington, Virginia 22302. 


Elaine Kittredge's 180- 
page softcover, illustrat- 
ed with erotic drawings 
by Stephen Hamilton, 
is more than just a 
how-to manual for the 
horny, hard-up or hap- 
less. Kittredge explores 
with candor and hu- 
mor a variety of erotic 
subjects, including flirt- 
ing. fantasies, fellatio 
and phone sex, plus 
much more. Her advice 
is very personal and ex- 
plicit. “Masterpiece Sex is 
about creating your 
own sexual dreams and 
making them come 
true,” says the publish- 
er, Optext. The price is 
$30. Send it to RO. Box 
10378, Chicago 60610. 


HOT TO TROT 


1f your life isn't spicy enough, the Hot Sauce of 
the Month Club will deliver a bottle of smolder- 
ing gut-burner to your door for $109 a year. 
That includes a newsletter containing informa- 
tion about chilies and recipes for the hot sauce 
sent. (Sorry, no Bromo.) A six-month member- 
ship is $65. If you really have the hots for hots, 
Chile Today-Hot Tamale at 800-нот-рЕРЕ also 
offers a chili of the month that's only $69 a year 
for membership. Hotsa plenty. 


THE WILD, WILD WEST 


“We're doing for Western Victorian fashions what Banana Re- 
public did for safari clothing,” says Larry Bitterman, owner of the 
Old Frontier Clothing Co. in Beverly Hills, who, by his own ad- 
mission, “was born one hundred years too late.” Bitterman de- 
scribes his company as a “purveyor of authentic Western dry 
goods" —not dude duds—and his $275 frock coat, line of dusters 
($130 to $210) and $75 double-breasted vest look as though they 
come from the movie Tombstone. (His women's Western wear is 
right out of Bad Girls.) You can order a catalog for $3 from Old 
Frontier Clothing at PO. Box 691836P, Los Angeles 90069, or call 
310-246-wesr for more info about the clothes. Bitterman has cor- 
ralled a variety of cowboy hat styles to choose from, too. 


WAKE UP AND SMELL 
THE COFFEE, AL 


Who says entrepreneurship is dead? Cer- 
tainly not Bernie, Leon and Ron, three 
good old boys who couldn't stomach the 
coffee served by their employer. So they 
steeped themselves in beans and blends 
and created Al's Daily Grind, their own 
formula for high-octane coffee that you 
can drink all day. Al's Beverage, their 
employer, knew a good thing when it 
smelled one, and now the company sells 
one-pound bags (whole bean or ground) 
for $9, postpaid. Сай 800-638-3018. 


THE TWAIN SHALL MEET 


If you are looking for the ultimate, 
unique draw for a party, there's Virtual 
Mark Twain. Yes, the reports of his death 
were greatly exaggerated. This interac- 
tive, multimedia reincarnation can ap- 
pear ona TV screen telling jokes or just 
kibitzing with an audience. The secret: 
‘Twain impressionist McAvoy Layne is 
hooked up to a graphics computer that 
reads his facial expressions and transfers 
them into animation. Price: $15,000 to 
$20,000 a day. Call 800-TWAIN-VR. 


TOBACCO ON THE CUFF 


Jolyn, the owner of Pop Art— 
Beyond the Humidor, knows 
Cuban cigars like most women 
know perfume. After Jolyn's 
finished smoking her cigars she 
turns the bands into cuff links. 
For $65, postpaid, you can 
choose from a selection of 
Cuban styles such as the Bolivars 
pictured here; $45 buys links 
made from domestic brands. 
Jolyn also does custom orders 
(you supply the bands) and even 
makes ladies’ earrings. (Tell the 
woman in your life that if she re- 
ally loves you she'll hang your 
favorite cigar brand from her 
ears.) Call 213-658-7029 for 
more information. 


PASS THE JUGGED HARE, JEEVES. 


Bread was the staff of life at the medieval table, but by the Edwar- 
dian era the groaning boards of England were laden with such 
culinary exotica as piece de boeuf braisée ё la Napolitaine. It's all in 
the British National Trust's coffee-table hardcover The Art of Din- 
ing, by Sara Paston-Williams, which is “a history of cooking and 
eating" in merry—and gluttonous—old England. The book con- 
tains 250 illustrations, 200 in color. Price: $49.50. 


ADVENTURE CALLING 


Trader Horn, White Cargo and 
Malaya are just some of the clas- 
sic films starring such Holly- 
wood heavy hitters as Jimmy 
Stewart, Spencer Tracy, Hedy 
Lamarr, Rod Taylor and Jim 
Brown that have been recently 
released by MGM/UA Home 
Video as part of its new action- 
adventure collection. They cost 
$20 each. If the jungle isn't your 
bag, The Big House, starring Wal- 
lace Beery, “depicts the rage, 
desperation and loyalty of 3000 
felons in an institution built for 
1800.” All the Brothers Were w: 
Valiant finds Robert Taylor апа “4 ihe 
Stewart Granger on the high 
seas feuding over Ann Blyth. 
Wouldn't you know? 


162 


NEXT MONTH 


BRAINY RUSSIAN, 


DATING TEST 


BUCKEYE THE ELDER WHEN BUCKEYE THE PANTY- 
HOSE SALESMAN COMES BY TO COURT SIMONE, HE 
PROMPTLY BREAKS HER LITTLE BROTHER'S COLLAR- 
BONE. THEN THE ENTIRE FAMILY FALLS IN LOVE. WINNER 
OF PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE FICTION CONTEST 


FIRST DATES MADE EASY—TONGUE-TIED WHEN YOU'RE 
OUT WITH A NEW GIRL? GOT THE FIRST-DATE JITTERS? 
OUR SUREFIRE QUESTIONNAIRE GIVES EVERYONE—EVEN 
DATING VETERANS—SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT—BY 
MYLES BERKOWITZ 


LESLIE ABRAMSON—HER FIERY COURTROOM THE- 
ATRICS KEPT ERIK MENENDEZ FROM THE GAS CHAMBER. 
WHAT'S NEXT FOR THE COUNTRY'S ACE DEFENDER?— 
PLAYBOY PROFILE BY JOE MORGENSTERN 


JERRY JONES—IS DALLAS HEADED FOR FOOTBALL'S 
FIRST SUPER BOWL THREEPEAT? THE COWBOYS" 
HANDS-ON OWNER AND MIRACLE WORKER REVEALS HIS 
PLANS FOR AMERICA’S HOTTEST SPORTS FRANCHISE— 
AND WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WITH COACH JIMMY JOHN- 
SON—IN A HEAD-KNOCKING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY 
LAWRENCE LINDERMAN 


DIXIES FINEST 


TIM ALLEN'S SECRET LIFE OF MEN THE STAR OF TV'S 
HOME IMPROVEMENT GIVES HIS HILARIOUS AND INVALU- 
ABLE ADVICE ON HOW THE SEXES CAN GET ALONG—AND 
HOW THEY CAN'T. A PLAYBOY EXCLUSIVE 


HEATHER LOCKLEAR—HEAD BABE OF TV'S STEAMIEST 
SHOW, HEATHER'S TOUGH, SHE'S PRETTY AND SHE 
SWOONS DOING CERTAIN CALF EXERCISES. MEET THE 
WOMAN WHO OWNS MELROSE PLACE IN 20 QUESTIONS 


PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW-—UNTIL THE NCAA 
COMES UP WITH A COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF ТО 
CROWN NUMBER ONE, TRUST OUR SEER TO SORT OUT 
THE FIELD—SPORTS BY GARY COLE 


BLUE PLATE SPECIAL -WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PHOTOG- 
RAPHER HELMUT NEWTON FINDS A SPECTACULAR 
SWISS BEAUTY IN A RESTAURANT? HIGH FASHION'S KING. 
OF KINK DOESN'T DISAPPOINT 


PLUS: THOSE FABULOUS GIRLS OF THE SEC, THE ART ОЕ 
SHAVING, COOL CAMPUS THREADS FOR FALL, A TERRIFIC 
PLAYMATE FROM RUSSIA, BIKES THAT FOLD UP AND. 
FOR HALLOWEEN, A SALUTE TO MONSTER MASTER 
GAHAN WILSON 


© The Paddington Cerporolian 1994. Swiss Tip #3: Eat cheese with holes. 


©рпир Moms inc. 1994 


de. с 2% 
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


AA > 


x 


~~ 16 mg tar 11mgnicotine SU Beftigarétte by FTC met