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PLAYBOY 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN MARCH 1995 e $4.95 


CRAZY FOR 
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AN AMAZING. 4 A 
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INTERVIEW 27 


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РГАҮБІГІ, 


IT'S NOT EVERY month that we publish as noteworthy a feature 
as this month's astonishing Playboy Interview with Vladimir Zhiri- 
novsky. Our Q&A to Z is not only bad Vlad's first in-depth 
interview for the U.S. market—he has refused to cooperate 
with most other members of the press—it's also the first three- 
dimensional portrait of the man who could be the next leader 
of Russia. Although Boris Yeltsin heads the government, 
Zhirinovsky is arguably more powerful. Extracting Zhirinov- 
sky's plans and listening to his philosophy —more often ti- 
rades—did not come easily for Canadian journalist Jennifer 
Gould, who conducted the interview. Gould tenaciously waited 
out Zhirinovsky and insinuated herself into his confidence— 
to the point where he bared a starting side of himself. Picture, 
if you can, a Warsaw Pact Packwood 

If Robert Wright, author of the best-selling The Moral Animal, 
were to analyze Zhirinovsky's mind, he would probably point 
to the Russian's jeans. Simply put, Wright says evolution has 
made older men desire young, fertile women, and that the 
wanderlust of primates can be ranked by the size of their 
testes. It's all in Zs Zt All in Our Genes? by Contributing Editor 
David Sheff (illustrated by Tim O'Brien). Turning Wright's theo- 
-end-up is Hester's Dream, this month's fiction, by Czech 
writer Iva Herciková. In it, a housewife is seduced by the 
charms and active tongue of a man her daughter's age. 

At one time, the silken touch of California shaman John- 
Roger persuaded author Peter McWilliams, a longtime 
PLAYBOY contributor who cashed in with The Personal Computer 
Book, to share his profits from self-help projects. Now, in-The 
Guru vs. the Gadfly (artwork by Istvan Orosz), Los Angeles Times 
reporter Bob Sipchen reveals why McWilliams split from John- 
Roger's feel-good groupies and attacked rival cultist Arianna 
Huffington, wife of sore (but not poor) loser pol Michael 
Huffington. Meanwhile, across town, three wealthy men an- 
nounced they'd earn money the old-fashioned Los Angeles 
way: making movies. According to Attack of the Killer Mogul by 
cinema scoper Bernard Weinraub, JeHrey Katzenberg, who was 
long dwarfed at Disney by Michael Fisner, seeks revenge by 
heading a new studio with Steven Spielberg and David Gef- 
fen. Another mouse that hopes to roar is Jon Stewart, subject of 
20 Questions by Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker. As he 
takes his late-night TV show up against Conan the Mediocre, 
Stewart talks about Cindy Crawford's crotch stuffers and 
avoiding a ferret's anal glands. 

Joining the pantheon of РГАҮВОҮ cover girls is supermodel 
Amber Smith. A scorching Sports Illustrated swimsuit filler, Am- 
ber is moving on to roles in such movies as Paul Mazursky's 
Faithful—with time to spare for a pictorial by photog Bert Stern. 
In Stuntwomen, we feature more babes who are fearless in 
front of the camera. Dangerous nudes, dudes. 

In this issue we take a multipage approach to the advances 
in multimedia. Resident disc woman Ј.С. Herz takes inspiration 
from the grinch—and other Dr. Seuss characters—as she 
peers through Myst at the future in CD-ROMS: Hip or Hype? 
Also, we debut an extra Wired page that covers all aspects of 
multimedia. Our Books page this month looks at how publish- 
ers are dealing with the CD-ROM phenomenon. As a bonus 
track, Mike Meyers’ rundown in our Guide to Sports Video Games 
includes codes to put Al Gore on the court іп NBA Jam. 

Magician David Copperfield teams up with Gianni Versace— 
who designed the wardrobe for his latest tour—in Tricks With 
Style, photographed by Andrew Eccles. There's no illusion to 
Playmate Stacy Sanches, a boot-scootin' gal who's into weight 
lifting. One lock and you'll be doing reps 


HERCIKOVA 


SIPCHEN OROSZ WEINRAUB 


KALBACKER MEYERS 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), March 1995, volume 42, number 3. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-class postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: 


Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com. 


Santa Catalina. 
Dawn. 


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The Diamond Engagement Ring. How else could two months’ salary last forever? 


Call the Jewelers of America at 1-800-497-1480 for your free guide on“ How to buy the perfect Diamond Engagement Ring” 


De Beers A diamond is forever. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 42, по. 3—march 1995 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL. ТЯ nn re nnn 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 15 
STYLE... ОЛ ЕЕЕ 17 
MOVIES .... AER уннын кк е BRUCE WILLIAMSON 18 
VIDEO Nocte ММТ К e e Сы 
WIRED 22 
MUSIC 24 Y 
JAZZ .. EN ....NEILTESSER 26 Forever Amber 
BOOKS.......... .DIGBY DIEHL 28 
FITNESS JON KRAKAUER 30 
MEN usse аса ақына ....ASABABER 32 
WOMEN.... * rere eee ree ---.... CYNTHIA HEIMEL 33 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. 35 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM .. ы EN, 37 
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK—opinion . . staat canina ROBERTSCHEER 45 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: VLADIMIR ZHIRINOVSKY—candid conversation... 47 Наше За оо 
IS IT ALL IN OUR СЕМЕЅ?—агіїсіе ............................. DAVID SHEFF 64 
STUNTWOMEN—pictorial a 68 
HESTER'S DREAM—fiction..... see IVA HERCIKOVA та 
TRICKS WITH STYLE—foshion 2 ... HOLLIS WAYNE 78 
ATTACK OF THE KILLER MOGUL— playboy profile BERNARD WEINRAUB 82 
THE HEART OF TEXAS—playboy's playmate of the month .. . 86 
PARTY JOKESChumor ................. RENNER: 
GUIDE TO SPORTS VIDEO САМЕ5- multimedia... .MIKE MEYERS 100 
THE GURU AND THE GADFLY—article .................. BOB SIPCHEN 104 
20 QUESTIONS: JON STEWART... sss 108 
CD-ROMS: HIP OR НҮРЕ?—агіісіе .... овие дана оо ТЕЧНЕ 
SO YOU WANT TO BUY A CD-ROM .. 156 
HOT ON НОТ- pictorial € «xev. da 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ee Erz 158) 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE а А ЕТ Wild Genes? 
COVER STORY 


Supermodel Amber Smith vaulted from fashion runways to the pages of two 
Sports illustrated swimsuit issues and now onto the big screen as Ryan 
O'Neal's mistress in Faithful. Our cover was produced by Senior Photo Editor 
Jim Lorson. Thanks to Roque/Oribe for Amber's hoirstyling and to Mary 
Greenwell for makeup. Kudos to photographer Bert Stern, who also shot the 
last nudes of Marilyn Monroe, Amber’s idol. Our Rabbit gets caught by o boa. 


OE 1893. EXPECIOOS FOR LA COMISION CALIFICACORA DE PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUSTRAOAS OEFENDIENTE DE LA SECMETANIA DE GOBERNACIÓN. MENILO 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


NESERVA be TITULO EN TRÁMITE 


PLAYBOY 


1995 Playboy 


PLAYBOY 


Check all items & quantity 


— Join the Playboy Running Team & 
receive the Official РАТ Hat, Teeshirt 
& Race Schedule for only 


$29.95 
— Deluxe Package: Official Tee-shirt, 
Autographed PRT Foster & 


Massage Video. $54.95 


— Autographed Poster & Massage Vidco...$39.95 


Official PRT Merchandise: 
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PLAYBOY 


HUCH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive edilor 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: PETER MOORE, STEPHEN RANDALL edi- 
lors; FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER editor; FORUM: 
JAMES R PETERSEN senior staff writer; cir ROWE 
assistant editor; MODERN LIVING: vavın 
STEVENS editor; BETH TONKIW associate editor; 
STAFF: BRUCE KLUGER, CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO, 
BARBARA NELLIS associate edilors; DOROTHY ATCHE 
SON assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE di- 
тесі0т; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant editor; CAR- 
TOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN BUSHMAN assistant edi- 
lor; ANNE SHERMAN Copy associate; CAROLYN 
BROWNE Senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, КЕМА 
SMITH, SARI WILSON researchers; CONTRIBUT. 
ING EDITORS: ASA BABER. KEVIN COOK, 
GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL KEN GROSS 
(aulomotive), CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WILLIAM J. HELNER 
WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGEN: 
STERN, REG POTTERTON, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, 
DAVID STANDISH, MORGAN STRONG, BRUCE WIL 
LIAMSON movies) 

ART 

KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHET SUSKI LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
EORJENEK Ascariats dirertar; KELLY KORJENFK ас. 
sistant director; ANN SEIDL supervisor, keyline/ 
 pasteup; PAUL CHAN. RICKIE THOMAS art assistants 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI test Coast editor; JIM LARSON. 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN editors; РАСТА 
BEAUDET associate editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT as 
sistant editor; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY 
FREYTAG. RICHARD IZUL. DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEW 
MAN, POMPEO POSAR. STEPHEN WAYDA contributing 
photographers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; TIN HAWKINS 
photo librarian 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
МАМА MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CANPION. JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate manage 


CIRCULATION 
Larry A. DJERF newsstand sales director; самъу 
RAKOWIT? communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ERNIE RENZULL advertising director; JUDY BER 
комета national projects director; SALES DIREC 
TORS: KIM а. PINTO eastern region; JODI VEVODA 
sosucarıan midwestern region; VALERIE CLAUSS 
CLIFFORD western region; iv KORNBLAU market 
ing director: tisa NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI Correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT меш media director; MARCIA TER 


RONES rights ќе permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
СНИПЕ HEENER chairman, chief executive officer 


Lnjoy the ultimate in late night entertainment 24 hours а бау” with all of the 
sensuality, passion and excitement you've come to expect from Playboy. Playboy 
Television brings you an incomparable lineup of provocative, made-for-Playboy world 
premiere movies, spectacular special events, uncensored music videos, sizzling 
series and, of course, Playmates. Playboy's got it all, and you can have it all - 
anytime, day or night! 


It's Playboy's "git ll grown 
up and anxious to share their меде 
pleasures and daring fantasies. They're 
sophisticated, sexy and self-assured- 
and they just keep. оло) һейег. 
Playdates: February 3, 18, 22 


nn E е 


It's an erotic thriller with a twist. Walch as 
a weekend of Hollywood debauchery at its 
sexiest turns into a challenge of survival 
as guests mysteriously disappear. 
Playdates: February 4, 8, 17 


Ao 
eo naturel in sensual island adventures. Playdates: February 9, 15, 24 PLAYBOY ' 


DIRECTV™ an offcal trademark of DIRECTY, Inc, а unit of GM Hughes Electronics] 


THIS YEAR, THE BEAM FAMILY 
CELEBRATES 200 YEARS OF LEAVING 
А GOOD THING ALONE. 


Our great, great, great, great grand- 
father Jacob Beans biggest contribu- 
$e] tion was creating a wonderful recipe 
| for bourbon. Our biggest contribu- 

| tion was leaving it alone. So as we 
celebrate 200 ycars, we invite you to 
|| raise а glass of Jim Beam in a toast 
) to family and tradition. Then 
call 1-800-4JIM-BEAM for 
other events worth toasting. 


кл 01995 Jane B. Beim Она Co, Clermont KY 


BUGLIOSI 
My wife and I are attorneys. We just 
finished reading the artide on Vincent 
Bugliosi (Bugliosi for the Prosecution, De- 
cember). Thanks to PLAYBOY for its pro- 
vocative queries and to Bugliosi for a 
dose of reality. Many of our acquain- 
tances want to know what we lawyers 
think about the O.J. Simpson case. Next 
time someone asks our opinion, we can 
simply hand them a copy of the Bugliosi 
interview. 
Russell and Jane Roden 
Rowlett, Texas 


The Bugliosi article is courageous and 
forthright. We have never understood 
how attorneys can represent people who 
are obvionsly gnilty, other than for puh- 
licity and money. 

Susan and Raymond Allen 
Redington Beach, Florida 


A half-century-plus of newspapering 
afforded me many encounters with the 
towering egos of more than a few un- 
relenting juristic lions who saw no need 
for judges, juries, prosecutors or de- 
fense lawyers. But now comes Vincent 
Bugliosi, the self-anointed giant so be- 
dazzled by his own legalistic magnifi- 
cence that all other practitioners seem 
lost in insignificant nincompoopery by 
comparison. 

Justus Thomas 
Yakima, Washington 


Vincent Bugliosi has resolved many of 
my misgivings about the high-profile 
Bobbitt, Damian Williams and Simpson 
cases. His concise explanations make 
clear what the media has badly ob- 
scured. I hope that we will see Bugliosi’s 
remarks again in PLAvBoY whenever the 
situation warrants it. 

Bob Nathan 
Adanta, Georgia 


The December issue features the most 
insightful interview 1 have ever read. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 317-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPS@PLAYBOXCOM 


Vincent Bugliosi stands out as an attor- 
ney for the people, in contrast to the 
overpriced charlatans who make up a 
significant portion of the legal profes- 
sion. Bravo! 

Russell Spikula 

Winston-Salem, North Carolina 


THE SCARIEST CRIMINAL IN AMERICA 
Does writer Michael Reynolds have a 
crystal ball? Your piece on the Una- 
bomber (November) hit the newsstands 
just before he struck again. Amazing 
timing, I'd say. 
David Norris 
Washington, D.C. 


NO BONES ABOUT BO 
Time has stood still for Bo Derek. Her 
fifth PLAvsOY pictorial (Forever Bo, De- 
cember) proves she’s still a perfect ten af- 
ter all these years. 
Joseph Pastore 
Hampton Bays, New York 


The December issue has brought back 
memories of my teen years when my 
friends and I would go to great lengths 
to see Bo Derek in your magazine. We 
were under 18, so we got creative in the 
ways we obtained copies. Hey, it was 
worth it for Bo. 

Jay Highfield 
Johnson City, New York 


Your Bo pictorial made my 21-уеаг- 
old heart stop. 
Garrett Kipp 
kipp@uwplatt.edu 
Platteville, Wisconsin 


The pictorial of Bo Derek is more than 
spectacular. It is "tensational." 
Eric Hansen 
Crivitz, Wisconsin 


1 have always admired Bo Derek, and 
she only gets better with age. My thanks 
to her husband, John, who captured her 
beauty on film and then shared it with 


HERE'S AN 
ANNIVERSARY 
OFFER THAT 
COVERS 
EVERYONE. 


Sun - 
y 


\ 


Free commemorative T-shirt with purchase. 
We wanted our 200th anniversary cele- 
bration to cover everyone. So now you 
can get this limited edition T-shirt with 
any qualifying purchase of lim Beam. See 
store display for details and be sure to 
pick up a copy of our 1995 Anniver- 
sary calendar (or call 
ЕҮУШЕТТІР ИМ Bray 
for ways you 
can celebrate with 
us all year long. 


2 a ж 
[7 N 
ЕТІ 


Glen mem be ld denke әс: Мой whee peda Nak кар 
ун пиття — le Bean® Кетеді бен Boa 
©з lace В Ban Drills Cs. Стал КҮ 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


p 


“4 4 
«Ё 


16ing"tar” Ling СМ ТЕ ev. per cigarette ду FTOmethod. 


LEY RO Y 


rLAYBOY and the rest of the world. His 
skill with a camera and his love for Bo 
аге apparent in the photos. Bo remains 
the epitome of femininity and grace. 
Orville Jones 
Boise, Idaho 


Lam struck by how much Bo Derek 
looks like Greta Garbo. They share the 
same ethereal smile, and amusingly, Во 
shares part of Garbo's name. 

Curvin Krout 
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania 


LATE NIGHT REIGNS 
"The year 1994 started with a wonder- 
fully candid interview with late-night 
king David Letterman (Playboy Interview, 
January) and has ended blissfully with 
an interview with late-night-parody king 
Garry Shandling, a.k.a. Larry Sanders 
(Playboy Interview, December). Many 
thanks from beginning to end. 
Adam Kamal 
Toronto, Ontario 


BOBBITT'S LOSS, KRISTINA'S GAIN 
Great story and pictorial on real-life 
fatal attraction Kristina Elliott ( John Bob- 
bitl's Ex-Fiancée, December). It seems that. 
John Bobbitt's 15 minutes of fame are al- 
most up and Kristina's are just starting. 
I'd say she has an unlimited amount of 
time and a lot more to offer. 
Jay Minkin 
Akron, Ohio 


Please find Kristina Elliott and tell her 
I'm not missing anything. 
Jesse Morrow 
Meadville, Pennsylvania 


Congratulations to Kristina for getting 
out while she could. That speaks vol- 
umes on her good sensc—marriage to 
John Bobbitt would have been a fiasco. 
"The talk shows, TV movies and books all 
may have meant big money, but Kristina 
will have no problem making it on her 
own. Let's all wish her good luck and 
give her points for bailing out. 

Kevin Corvin 
Baltimore, Maryland 


Arny Freytag's photos of knockout 
Kristina Elliott irrefutably prove that 
Lorena cut somet else out of John 
Bobbitt: his brain. Kristina's a babe. 

Lanny Middings 
San Ramon, California 


WE LOVE BUCK 
Congratulations on your spectacular 
holiday issue. Buck Henry's article (Life 
Without. Playboy, December) is the best 
gift that I will receive this season. I'm 
glad to see that Henry is as acerbically 
warped as ever. PLAYBOY is lucky to һауе 
Buck Henry. 
Jim Lohmeyer 
Bloomington, Illinois 


SOLID BRIDGES 
Elisa Bridges (Ahoy, Playmate, Decem- 
ber) was the most gorgeous Playmate in 
1994. I had to do several double takes 
just to convince myself that Elisa is not a 
young Cindy Crawford minus the mole. 
Jeff Howard 
Vandalia, Michigan 


I'm glad they don't all have to be Cali- 
fornia girls. 
Eric Greene 
greenee@ziavms.enmu.edu 
Clovis, New Mexico 


As a man who prefers petite women, 
І must get on my knees and thank 
PLAYBOY for Elisa Bridges. She is a stun- 
ner and a breath of fresh air. I sincerely 
hope that this means you will feature 
more petite beauties in the future. 
Will Berry 
Catonsville, Maryland 


Kudos for another fine year of beauti- 
ful Playmates, including Elisa Bridges. 
Also, I'm much obliged for Jay Wise- 
man's Stocking Stuffers. 

Matt Nigrini 
nm52%latayacs. bitnet 
Glafibm.lafayette.edu 
Shillington, Pennsylvania 


Dear Santa, 

1 just received my December issue of 
PLAYBOY. Inside I found the perfect 
Christmas gift. Her measurements are 
34-99-34. So when you're making your 
Christmas rounds, please check your list 
and slide down my chimney with Elisa 


Bridges. 


K. Whitney 
Sandy, Utah 


SEX STARS 
In your Sex Stars 1994 feature (Decem- 
ber), author Judith Krantz is quoted as 


saying that just shaking hands with Bill 
Clinton is “а full-body sexual experi- 
ence." 1 can believe that. Гуе heard of 
women who get turned on just looking 
at that Pillsbury Dough Boy: Go figu 
Shirley Ash 
Oakland, California 


I was a bit miffed that you didn't in- 
dude 1982 Playmate of the Year Shan- 
non Tweed in your Sex Stars pictorial. 1 
may be a little biased because I once 
went out on a dream date with Shannon, 
courtesy of a promotion for her new 
video, Cold Sweat. You hear a lot about 
pretentious, prima donna movie stars, 
but Shannon couldn't have been more 
down-to-earth. She made me feel as 
though I were an old friend. I know 
that 1 speak for her fans when I say 
we would love to see her in a new 
PLAYBOY pictorial. 

Keith Smith 
Miami, Florida 


HOLIDAY SEX TRICKS REVISITED 
In Jay Wiseman's article Stocking 
Stuffers (December), there is a descrip- 
боп cf a man blowing air at а woman's 
ditoris. Blowing air at or into the vagina 
can cause death. 
BN. 
Boston, Massachusetts 
The Playboy Advisor responds: We appreci- 
ate your concern, and we know the point you 
want to make, but things aren't as dire us you 
suggest. Blowing air into the cervix of a preg- 
nant or menstruating woman is potentially ја- 
tal, but only if you seal the vagina with your 
lips and blow very forcefully. Blowing air 
through a straw across the clitoris—as sug- 
gested in Wiseman’s article—is noi. 


TOO WILD A RIDE 
The great comic actor Charlie Chaplin 

based his art on his profound love of fel- 
low human beings, especially those who 
were less fortunate, Jim Carrey ( Jim Car- 
туз Wild Ride, December) is not such a 
comedian. Thanks to Bernard Wein- 
raub's article, | now understand how 
Carrey hasbecome rich and famous. Not 
only is it in bad taste to make fun of oth- 
er people's handicaps, it is also extreme- 
ly cruel. I'm sure Carrey’s success will 
help him forget his own pain in life. My 
only wish is that he won't do it by making 
other people suffer. 

M.Z. 

51. Cloud, Minnesota 


NO COMPETITION 
While shopping for a gift subscription 
to a men's magazine for my husband's 
Christmas present, 1 looked at your 
magazine and those of many of your 
competitors. What 1 discovered is that 
you have no competition. 
Beth Freitas 
Poway, Califor 


“Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" 
Officially Authorized Limited Edition Musical Tribute 


It is destined to become one of the most sought after cf 
Beatles memorabilia. For never before in history has a 
musical tribute of its Kind been officially authorized for 
Beatles’ fans. An enduring Limited Edition tribute to one 
most legendary albums... "Sgt. Pepp 


of pop mus 
Lonely Hearts Club Band." The Fab Four are intricately crafted in Tesori’ 
porcelain, a sculptor’s blend of powdered porcelain and resins chosen 


expressly to capture every detail. Meticulously hand-painted in 
psychedelic colors just as you remember them 

Preserved in a genuine crystal dome, this work of art is a must for 
every true Beatles Yours for just payable in convenient monthly 
installments. This specially imported Limited Edition bell jar will be 
closed forever alter just 95 casting day 


SATISFACTION GUARANTEED 


IF you wish to return any Franklin Mint purchase, you may do so within 30 
days of your receipt of that purchase for replacement, credit or refund. 


Issued in a Worldwide Limited Edition 


> 


Plays 
"Sgt. Pepper's 
Lonely Hearts 

Club Band” 


A Limited Edition Musical Tribute. 
Individually Hand-Numbered and Hand-Painted. 

‘The Franklin Mint Please mail by March 31, 1995. 
Franklin Center, PA 19091-0001 
Please enter my order for Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band pre- 
sented by Apple Corps Lid. 

I need SEND NO MONEY NOW. I will be billed іп 2 equal monthly 
installments of 827 50“ cach, beginning when my work of art is ready 


to be sent. Limit: one per collector. Plus my state sales tax and a 
one-time charge of 52.95 for shipping and bandling 


SIGNATURE CORRE SERTE 

MR/MRS/MISS танктан 

ADDRESS. MAS 
CIT/STATE _ Ai 
TELEPHONE # € › 


hooucr 1677145001 
1994 APPLE CORPS LTD i ™ 


ski PLAYBOY 


ASPEN, COLORADO 
APRIL 7-9, 1995 


Pack your hugs and meet us at the mountain 
for u fun-filled weekend feuturing Playmates, 
races, parties, prizes, and more! 


Friday, April 7 

* Meet the Mountain Tour 

* VIP Barbecue Lunch with Playmates 
+ Finlandia Après-Ski Party 

« Miller Genuine Draft Party 


Saturday, April 8 

* Mogul Competition Preliminuries 
• Finlandia Aprés-Ski Party 

* Miller Genuine Draft Party 


Sunday, April 9 t 
* Mogul Competition Finals 3 
* Playboy Ski Race (Modified Dual Slalom) 

* Finlandia Aprés-Ski/Awards Ceremony 


All-inclusive 4- and 7-night ski travel packages 
April 5 - 9 (Wed. - Sun.) / April 2 - 9 (Sun. - Sun.) 


* Airfare & accommodations 


* Lift tickets 
* Inclusion in all Playboy Winter Ski Fest activities 


Call Playboy Winter Ski Fest For Details! е 1-800-908-5000 


©1995 PLAYBOY = Mie 
FINLANDIA Columbia Genuine 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


HOUSE O' REST 


How about a Pointless Legislation 
Day? The same 103rd Congress that 
couldn't act on campaign reform, toxic 
deanup or health care nonetheless 
found time to vote ю declare National 
Decorative Painting Month, National 
Quilting Day, National Tap Dance Day, 
Son-In-Law Day and Diplomatic Couri- 
er Day. Adding insult to irony, they also 
approved a Cost of Government Day. 


AUTO MENU 


Like cream does in French cuisine or 
tomato does in Italian sauces, Spam and 
Cheez Whiz run thick through the 
recipes and veins of computer geeks. 
Now the secrets to processed and mi- 
crowaved favorites of programmers 
have been decoded in Gigabites: The 
Hacker Cookbook, by Jenz Johnson. Be- 
cause eating chips and dip requires only 
one hand to leave the keyboard, the col- 
lection features an endless variety of 
goop such as Five Minute Quiche Dip, in 
which gelatin and Cheez Whiz are sub- 
stituted for eggs, milk and cheese. To aid 
in choking it all down, Johnson suggests 
a drink called Hammerheads that will 
certainly leave you wired. Just combine 
two cups coffee, two demitasses espresso, 
two teaspoons powdered coffee, two t: 
spoons powdered chocolate (or choco- 
late syrup) and some cream and sugar. 
Johnson's high-joltage shake was con- 
ceived to "cram more living into each day.” 


A gym by any other name would smell 
as sweet: New Trier High School in Win- 
netka, Illinois has changed the name of 
its physical education department to the 
Department of Kinetic Wellness 


DIE VESTMENTS 


A new device that takes the concept of 
interactive video about as far as it can go 
is the death vest. Made for kids, the Au- 
ra Interactor is a flat plastic backpack 
that translates the electronic sound of 
gunfire from ultraviolent video games 
into vibrations that simulate the physical 


sensation of getting shot. The Interactor 
also plugs into stereos and TVs to re- 
spond to sounds of other activities such 
as boxing. Presumably it would work 
with adult videos, which is why we're 
waiting for a set of matching pants. 


NEW DIGS FOR VANILLA ICE 


The story was about how 300,000 test 
tubes of frozen sperm were successfully 
transported from a sperm bank outside 
Paris to that city's Cochin Hospital. 
Sperm bank director Pierre Jouannet 
explained that there was no "premature 
thawing during the transfer" But the 
headline in the Chicago Tribune read 
HUGE SPERM TRANSFER GOES WITHOUT 
HITCH. 


THE HEINIE MANEUVER 


Dr James Bennett apparently was 
feeling playful after he had closed a pa- 
tient's wound with a surgical stapler. Fol- 
lowing the procedure, a nurse bent 
down to pick up sponges, and Dr. Ben- 
nett shot her in the butt with the staple 
gun. Although he said he intended the 
gesture as a joke, a New Orleans jury 


LUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


wasn't left in stitches and ordered him to 
pay the nurse $5000 


REMEDIAL WATERWORKS 


The Washington Post blamed a dictation 
error for a mistake in an article about 
the reenactment of a slave auction in 
Colonial Williamsburg. The story char- 
acterized organizer Christy Coleman's 
demeanor as cheerful, when in fact it 
was tearful 


THEY EVEN HAVE A VILLAGE FOR IT 


Looking a Trojan horse straight in 
the mouth: If you're a small French 
hamlet named Condom (Latin for the 
confluence of two rivers) and tourists 
constantly stop for photos beside signs 
bearing your name, you swallow your 
pride and capitalize on it. Recently, the 
Condom town council announced that 
it will open a contraceptive museum 
to generate revenue from its amusing 
predicament. It will be located next to a 
museum devoted to that excellent spir- 
it Armagnac, which seems appropri- 
ate when you consider that the use of 
the latter often leads to the use of the 
former. 


NO SPITTING OFF THE SKYSCRAPERS 


The town of Unalaska in the Fox Is- 
lands has outlawed skateboarding and 
rollerskating on its sidewalks. Thing is, 
Unalaska doesn’t have any sidewalks. 
The town says it is planning to install 
three or four blocks’ worth. Curbing 
your dog goes without saying. 


BLOOD BATH 


Gee, John Travolta could have been a 
customer. Ray Barnes of Baltimore is 
part of America's growing service sector: 
He specializes in cleaning the homes of 
murder victims after police have бп- 
ished their investigations. Along with his 
wife, Barnes scrubs away the carnage 
with diverse cleaning products, includ- 
ing an enzyme that digests blood. And 
sometimes, he confesses, carpeting has 
to be replaced. He defends his fees, 
which start at $200, by saying, “I don't 


15 


16 


RAW 


DATA 


[ SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


FACT OF THE 
MONTH 

Parker Brothers 
prins more than 
twice as much Мо- 
nopoly moncy cach 
ycar as thc U.S. 
Mint prints rcal 
money. 


QUOTE 
“It was like a 
gnawing pain in 
your neck that you 
couldn't get rid 
Of." —REPRESENTA- 
TIVE NEWT GINGRICH. 
SPEAKER OF THE 
HOUSE AND PROPONENT OF FAMILY VAL- 

UES, REFERRING TO HIS FIRST WIFE. 


DIXIE UPS 

Percentage increase in population 
of 11 Confederate states (and Ken- 
tucky) from 1970 to 1990: 40; per- 
centage increase in U.S. population 
during same period: 20. In 1994, 
percentage of all black elected 
officials in the U.S. who held office in 
Alabama and Mississippi: 18. After Al- 
abama and Mississippi, Confederate 
states with most black officials: 
Louisiana, Georgia, Texas and North 
Carolina. 


PUNCH OUT THE CLOCK 

Proportion of violent crimes—ex- 
duding homicides—committed ас 
work in the U.S.: one in six; propor- 
tion of all homicides committed at 
work: one in 25. Number of violent. 
crimes committed at work last ycar: 
1 million. 


FAIR TRADE 
Number of workers employed by 
American companies abroad: 5.4 mil- 
lion. Number of American workers 
employed by foreign companies in 
the U.S.: 4.9 million. 


BCCAaaagh! 

Number of depositors in the Bank 
of Credit and Commerce Interna- 
tional who have not been able to ac- 
cess their accounts since the bank was 
shut down three years ago: 250,000. 
According to BCCI's court-appointed 


liquidators, rate at 
which depositors will 
be reimbursed: 30 to 
40 cents per dollar. 


DISCONNECTED 

Number of jobs 
cutat U.S. telephone 
companies from Au- 
gust 1993 to August 
1994: 113,700. 


FROM LBOS TO LBS 

Percentage of 
white American men 
overweight in 1980: 
24; in 1991: 32. Per- 
centage of white 
American women overweight in 
1980: 24; in 1991: 34. Estimated an- 
nual revenue of the diet industry: 
$40 billion to $50 billion. 


'OZZIE OR HARRIET 
According to the Census Bureau, 
percentage of American children who 
do not live in homes vith both par- 
ents: 49. Percentage of white children 
who do not live with both parents: 44. 


COLD CARD ҒАСТ5 
Number of Visa cards in circula- 
tion: 150 million; American Express 
cards: 25 million. Number of busi- 
nesses that accept Visa and Master 
Card: 12 million. Number that accept 
American Express: 4 million. 


COLOR TV 

According to a survey by the Cen- 
ter for Media and Public Affairs, per- 
centage of characters on TV who are 
Hispanic: onc. Percentage of general 
population represented by Hispanics: 
nine. Percentage of TV characters 
who are black: 17. Percentage of pop- 
ulation accounted for by blacks: 12. 
Proportion of Hispanic TV charac- 
ters who commit crimes: one in six. 
Proportion of black or white charac- 
ters who commit crimes: onc in 95. 


MAIL RUSH 
Number of pieces of mail handled 
per employee in one ycar at Federal 
Express: 5109; at UPS: 13,043; at the. 
Postal Service: 215,910. 
— PAUL ENGLEMAN 


know too many people who would want 
to go in and clean up the traces of their 
loved ones.” We know some people who 
wouldn't want to do it even when those 
loved ones are still alive. 


A BEIRUT AWAKENING 


Terry Anderson was captured by ter- 
rorists in Beirut in 1985 and held as a 
hostage for almost seven years. Now he 
has filed a lawsuit against 13 federal 
agencies in an effort to obtain govern- 
ment documents regarding his kidnap- 
ping. The Drug Enforcement Adminis- 
tration denied his previous requests for 
information and even insisted in a letter 
that Anderson first provide “original no- 
tarized authorization” from his captors 
waiving their privacy rights. 


Necessity is the queen of invention 
Sign on а San Francisco adult bookstore: 
NOSE CONDOMS. SAFE FOR BROWNNOSING 


SIGN OF THE TIMES DEPT. 


It came in an embossed vellum en- 
velope. The card was engraved and of 
the size and quality one would expect 
for a wedding announcement. However, 
the message that one of our girlfriends 
received from the all-female office of 
her obstetrician-gynecologist was: WE ARE 
PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT YOUR PAP SMEAR 
WAS NORMAL. 


FREE THROW LINE 


Earlicr this scason, the Orlando Mag- 
ic’s Shaquille O'Neal says he was at the 
foul line when Phoenix Suns forward 
A.C. Green, an avowed celibate and co- 
founder of Athletes for Abstinence, tried 
to disrupt him. Green said, “You know, 
you'll be all right as soon as you get some 
experience.” Replied Shag, “And you'll 
be OK as soon as you get some sex." 


'OPRAH'S INTERVIEW WITH 
THE VAMPIRE 


Seems Vlad the Impaler—the 15th 
century Romanian Count Dracula who 
skewered 23,000 citizens on pikes—may 
have had the sort of motivation Geraldo 
would understand: He was a victim, a 
psychologically abused child. According 
to In Search of Dracula, by Raymond Mc- 
Nally and Radu Florescu, when Vlad 
was 13 his warrior father was captured 
by the Turks and gained his freedom by 
vowing peace and handing over young 
Vlad as insurance. Dad promptly broke 
and attacked the Turks again. 
ived, but with a chip the size of 
Bucharest on his shoulder. It's precious 
little excuse for mass executions, but we 
suspect that with lawyer Leslie Abram- 
son and a Los Angeles jury, he could 
have gotten off with probation. 


STYLE 


THE TWO-STEP 


“In today's economy, one sure way to reinvent your wardrobe 
is with great-looking up-to-the-minute accessories,” says de- 
signer Kenneth Cole. So it's no surprise the same two-tone 
footwear looks that showed up 
on the runways of men's 
spring fashion shows are 
back in style. Designed 
with contrasting fab- 

rics and colors, these 

versatile shoes are 
smarter than sneakers 
and hipper than driv- 
ing shoes. They can al- 
so lighten up your look, 
whether it's a suit, a sports 
coat and khakis or a pair of 
jeans. Look for Cole's leather- 
and-natural-linen demiboots 
(pictured left, at top, $160) and 
monk-strap oxfords. To Boot by 
Adam Derrick offers a lace-up Lawn 
Shoe in brown leather with a cream 
tongue and a sporty rubber sole (left, 
bottom, $265). Iraditionalists may want 
to check out the brown-and-ivory 
medallion wing tips by Barneys New 

York ($365), or Mossimo Sole's black- 

leather-and-natural-cotton-burlap. ox- 
fords with a rugged lug sole ($115). 
"And those yearning for a classic 
[ook can opt for Salvatore Ferra- 
gamo's Fresco—old-fashioned black-and-white 
wing tip shoes (above, center, $285). 


Smarter than 
sneakers and 
hipper than 
driving 
shoes. 


MOOD INDIGO 


If you're talking sportswear, just about every shade 
of blue is now in style—especially indigo, a dark 
shade of navy. Among our favorite indigo items 
is Victor Victoria's lightweight linen-and-wool 
unconstructed jacket ($350). Designer Alexan- 
der Julian offers an indigo linen-and-viscose 
short-sleeve buttondown shirt ($190), and 
Robert Comstock has included in his En- 
durance line an indigo linen-and-viscose 
parka with a fly front and drawstring waist 
(8200). Mary Vinson, the designer for Is- 
land Trading Co., is also a big fan of indigo, 
offering it in burlap-weave linen drawstring 
“peasant pants” with two side pockets 
($171). To promote an awareness of the 
ecology, Assets London has used recycled 
yarns to create its indigo-and-natural cable- 
front V-neck sweater ($300). 


6 T Y 


HOT SHOPPING—SANTA BARBARA 


The Santa Barbara International Film Festival celebrates its 
tenth anniversary March 3 to 12. In this sparkling paradise on 


CLOTHES LINE 


After 17 years as Bruce Spring- 
steen’s drummer, Max Weinberg 
now fronts his own band on Late 
Night With Conan 
O'Brien. His unique 
fashion sense began 
early. "In the mid-Six- 
lies, when everyone 
in rock and roll was 
showing up in hippie 
attire, | was wearing 
sharkskin suits," he 
says. In fact, Weinberg 
still wears one he's 
had for 30 years. “1 
bought it for $180 
back tl Now the 
same thing by Paul 
Smith would be $1100." In addition 
to wearing Smith's styles, Weinberg 
likes to perform in Armani and 
Calvin Klein single-breasted suits. 
His all-time favorite footwear? A 
pair oí tan suede Frye cowboy boots 
given to him by the Boss. 


ings are within walk- 
ing distance of these 
great shops. Plastic 
Passion (430 State 
St): Cool Eurostyle 
fashions іп fabrics 
ranging from leather 


to latex. е Gary 
Paul (927 State St): 
Unique, locally de- 
signed men's attire. 
* Channel Islands 
(29 State St): А 
surfin' safari shop 
with great boards 
and wave-rider fash- 
ions * A Skater's 
Paradise (537 State 
St): Everything you 
need for in-line, in- 
cluding hockey pants 
and T-shirts. © Gale- 
ria del Mar (217 
Stearns Wharf): Wa- 
tercolors, sculptures 
and hand-blown gob- 
lets by local 

artisans. 


TROOPING THE COLORS 


Thanks largely to thirty-something guys who 
resist going gray, 20 percent of all do-it-your- 
self hair-color products are now being 
purchased by men. Thinking about 
adding to the statistic? Then remem- 
ber—always choose the dye closest to 
(or one shade lighter than) your nat- 
ural hair color. A few at-home lines 
to consider include Men's Choice 
and Just for Men, both of which 
come in seven shades. Dark & Nat- 
ural is formulated for African Ameri- 
сап men (84), while Tween Time 
touch-up crayons ($6) are perfect for 
spot coverage at the hairline. For 
change over time (several weeks) there's 
Option Gradual ($5.50) and the grand- 
daddy of them all—Grecian Formula 16 $ 
(about $4). And if you sport a beard, dark 


SWEATERS 


STYLES pullover vests 


Loose, boxy shapes; roll- and V-necks; 


COLORS 


PATTERNS AND KNITS 


All shades of blue; earthy greens; natural 
colors from cream to dark tan 


Golf argyles; tweedy bouclés; loose 
open-mesh weaves; ribbed knits 


low-in-the-dark neons; 
Кыныр арад 


Blanket plaids; cartoon-character 
motifs; bulky cables 


Where & How to Buy on page 153. 


17 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


ANY LINGERING doubt about Brad Pitt's 
rise to stardom is banished by tegends of 
the Fall (TriStar), the kind of rich, old- 
fashioned family saga seldom seen nowa- 
days. Producer-director Edward Zwick's 
film, based on a novella by Jim Harri- 
son, spans several decades—from before 
World War One to well beyond Prohibi- 
tion. Anthony Hopkins plays Ludlow, a 
Montana rancher whose three sons (Pitt, 
Aidan Quinn and Henry Thomas) hap- 
pen to love the same woman. She's a 
beauty from back East, portrayed by 
Britain's willowy Julia Ormond. But it's 
Pitt as Tristan, the wild and willful bad 
boy, who lifis Legends from its soap-opera 
mode. He is a bear hunter steeped in In- 
dian lore who blames himself for one 
brother's death, seduces the woman his 


Перу and Hawke: In love in Vienna. 


other brother hopes to marry—and 
keeps coming back from faraway misad- 
ventures, like a prodigal son. With cach 
return, the soundtrack soars into gran- 
deur. Is it corny? At times, yes. Hopkins, 
his character's face contorted and his 
speech unintelligible after a stroke in lat- 
er years, occasionally is more comic than 
tragic. Coincidence has to work overtime 
to embrace this dysfunctional family's 
struggles with love, loss, patriotism, sib- 
ling rivalry, suicide, gunrunning and 
murder. Even so, Legends has grand style 
and sex appeal. ¥¥¥ 


They're strangers on a train. A young 
American (Ethan Hawke) persuades a 
lovely French student (Julie Delpy) to 
spend a day with him in Vienna. Next 
morning, he's to catch a plane home and 
she has to get back to school in Paris. But 
in the meantime, they walk, they talk, 
they visit Viennese landmarks, drink cof- 
fee and taste the vine. After discussing 
life, love, sex, parents and a shared en- 
thusiasm for the unexpected, they kiss. 
That's actually the whole story of Before 
Sunrise (Castle Rock), a deliciously 
young-at-heart comedy co-written (with 
Kim Krizan) by gifted director Richard 
Linklater, who's at his best, surpassing 
Slacker and Dazed and Confused. Almost 
nothing happens in Sunrise, though what 
does happen has the magical, improvisa- 
tional air of those chance meetings 
everyone hopes to experience once in a 
lifetime. Linklater makes that romantic 
dream come true, with a light touch 
sorely missing in the recently recycled 
Love Affair. ¥8¥'/, 


From Cuba comes Strawberry and Choc- 
olate (Miramax), an emancipated lesson 
in tolerance by director ‘Tomas Gutierrez 

18 Alea. The principals are a gay artist 


Brothers fall out, 
straights and gays go for it 
and royals make the usual waves. 


named Diego (Jorge Perugorría), enam- 
ored of suaight, handsome young David 
(Vladimir Cruz), a political prig who dili- 
gently follows the party line. Resisting 
being picked up, David detects Diego's 
homosexuality because, with ice cream 
on the menu, he notes: “They had 
chocolate—and he ordered strawberry.” 
Must be a Cuban thing. Anyway, Davi 
decides to play along only so he сап іп- 
form the authorities of the gay man’s 
flamboyant counterrevolutionary life- 
style. The two men become close despite 
their differences when David discovers 
that art, music, literature and his libido 
are more than a match for ideology. He 
also loses his virginity to Diego's friend 
Nancy (Mirta Ibarra), a suicidal trollop 
with black-market connections. Alea 
makes his message as delectably straight- 
forward as the movie's title. YYV 


If the royal family of England today 
looks racy, consider the long tradition of 
unstable monarchs. The Madness of King 
George (Samuel Goldwyn) tells it as it was 
circa 1788. Nigel Hawthorne portrays 
George Ш in a scathing tragicomedy 
based on the hit London play by Alan 
Bennett. Nicholas Hytner directs Haw- 
thorne, whose powerful performance is 
a match for апу seen on a movie screen 
recently. While losing the American 
colonies to revolution, King George has 
evidently lost his mind as well—lcaping 


up to conduct concerts, running out- 
doors seminude, attacking women at 
court. His lady, Queen Charlotte (played 
by Helen Mirren with her usual skill), 
stands by him, while his foppish son (Ru- 
pert Everett as a scheming Prince of 
Wales) plots ways to have his father de- 
clared incompetent. The sets and the 
costumes are opulent, the ending pre- 
dictable, but the tongue-in-cheek Mad- 
ness is an engagingly literate. warm, 
high-spirited history. ¥¥¥ 


The growth of conservatism in the 
United States adds interest to Sex, Drugs 
£ Democracy (Red Hat Productions), an 
American-made documentary by direc- 
tor Jonathan Blank and co-interviewer 
and co-producer Barclay Powers. Few 
young American travelers abroad miss a 
stop in wicked Amsterdam, and this 
compilation of erotic views and inter- 
views includes testimony from users, 
dealers, prostitutes, police and scientists. 
Some of the explicit footage would make 
a fundamentalist faint, while others 
among us may feel they're looking at а 
tract retrieved from the Seventies. 
"Though primitive, the film still emerges 
as a provocative argument for fighting 
certain social taboos by making them 
legal. VJ 


A bloody chapter in French history is 
re-created in Queen Margot (Miramax) 
with Isabelle Adjani as the titular Mar- 
garet of Valois, whom her brother, King 
Charles IX (Jean-Hugues Anglade), 
called Margot. Catholic, sexy and a bit of 
a strumpet, Margot endures a marriage 
to the Protestant Henry of Navarre 
(Daniel Auteuil), presumably to stop the 
religious wars. Instead, the wedding fes- 
tivities set the stage for the bloody 
St. Bartholomew's Day massacre. Thou- 
sands of Protestants are slaughtered, but 
Margot learns tolerance by falling hope- 
lessly in love with one survivor, the 
handsome La Möle (Vincent Perez). 
Filmmaker Patrice Chéreau's Margot, 
based on a novel by Alexandre Dumas, is 
graphic, grand and gory—a spectacle so 
dense that it might be helpful to watch it. 
with a concordance in hand. Still, the 
characters are а ruthlessly wayward 
bunch, particularly Virna Lisi as Cather- 
ine de Médicis, the conniving queen 
mother who presides over the mayhem 
with grim royal resolve. ¥¥¥ 


Wisely opened before the end of 1994 
to qualify for the Oscar race, мей (20th 
Century Fox) definitely puts Jodie Fos- 
ter in the running for best actress. Нег 


Dorff: More big-time than British 


OFF CAMERA 


By the time that audiences see 
Stephen Dorff as a rebellious Ameri- 
сап mall rat in S.EW. (for So Fuck- 
ing What, his character's motto), 
they should realize that his image- 
fixing roles playing young Brits 


area fluke. Blessed with an ear for 
accents, he boosted his big-screen 
climb as a teenage South African 
boxer in The Power of One, followed 
by his stint as an ex-Beatle in Back- 
beat. In the latter, Dorff has an 
erotic body-painting scene with 
Sheryl Lee: “We kept it sort of in- 
nocent, natural, sex with a smile- 
none of that Basic Instinct shit." 
Dorff frets that some of his fans 
may know him mainly for his 
showy bit a year or so ago in an 
Aerosmith video called Cryin’. In 
the forthcoming Halcyon Days, he's 
English again, "with more of an 
Oxford accent, which I call my Je- 
remy Irons voice. It's set in France 
around 1940. Gabrielle Anwar 
plays my sister. It's not really about 
incest, though we do have sex— 
there's a close-up of my butt." 

A Californian from the Valley, 
Dorff grew up loving show busi- 
ness and hating school. "I never 
wanted to play Little League. I'd 
always rather audition for a TV 
commercial." He made dozens be- 
fore he landed in a hit low-bud- 
get horror film called The Gate 
in 1987. "I'm the lead—the little 
chubby kid with the bowl haircut. 
After that, I disappeared into TV 
sitcoms—doing Roseanne and ev- 
ery fucking episodic show you can 
think of." Now he lives in the Hol- 
lywood hills off Sunset Boulevard. 
"Say I'm a gigolo, a young bache- 
lor desperately needing love." 
Dorff adds: "People think I'm ego- 
tistical because 1 talk a lot and 
sometimes act like a crazy mother- 
fucker. That's my mask. I'm full of 
doubt and insecurity. And I some- 
times say to myself, Hey, I'm only 
21. What the hell am I doing?" 
Doing fine, Dorff. 


finely etched performance as Nell, a 
fearful creature born in the wild who 
speaks a lingo all her own, saves this 
sketchy drama from mediocrity. Raised 
in a remote backwoods cabin, Nell is 
found after her mother's death by a 
country doctor (Liam Neeson) and a 
psychologist (Natasha Richardson). 
"Their work with her seems ethically sus- 
pect at best—both decide the doctor wil 
allay Nell's bone-deep fear of la: 
men by joining her in a nude swim. 
Spelling out this dubious support system 
slows down a good story. While Nell's 
simplicity brings the doctor and the psy- 
chologist together, they seem content to 
leave her in limbo, culturally deprived— 
a sort of down-home, semiliterate maid- 
en aunt. That said, watching Foster glow 
as a timid, stammering child-woman is a 
show in itself. ¥¥'/2 


сиз 


Alcatraz, the notorious island prison 
now recycled as a museum, lives again in 
filmmaker Marc Rocco's chilling Murder 
in the First (Warner). Written by Dan Gor- 
don, the movie tells the true story of 
a crusading young attorney (Christian 
Slater) and his fight to free a troubled in- 
mate named Henri Young in 1938. Bril- 
liantly portrayed by Kevin Bacon, Henri 
is a rustic simpleton who has never had a 
woman or an even break. Slater registers 
strongly as the idealistic lawyer who tries 
to see that his client gets both. Making 
secondary roles look first-class are Em- 
beth Davidtz (of Schindler's List) as 
Slater’s sympathetic colleague, and Gary 
Oldman in another of his vivid character 
studies as the sadistic assistant warden. 
Whether filming behind bars or in a 
bleak courtroom, Rocco makes Murder 
a memorable plea for justice—hard to 
take but too good to miss. УУЧУ» 


Somewhere in South America, where 
a fascist dictatorship has recently ended, 
three people pass a harrowing night of 
revelation and retribution at an isolated 
beach house. Sigourney Weaver plays 
Paulina Escobar, a woman seething with 
hatred for the interrogator who raped 
her during her early days as a jailed rev- 
olutionary. Now she is married to Gerar- 
do (Stuart Wilson), a lawyer named to 
prosecute the recendy deposed violators 
of human rights. Death and the Maiden 
(Fine Line), from a London and Broad- 
way play written by Ariel Dorfman, starts 
to generate suspense when Gerardo 
brings home an amiable doctor (Ben 
Kingslcy) who turns out to be the neme- 
sis from his wife's dark past. Though the 
doctor insists he's not the sadist she ге- 
members, Paulina demands a full con- 
fession. Weaver doesn’t seem at home in 
this complex role, but the film resonates 
as a danse macabre, shrewdly directed 
by Roman Polanski. УУУ; 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Before Sunrise (See review) A postmod- 
ern tale set in Vienna, where young 
lovers meet. ws 
Clerks (Reviewed 12/94) Cheap laughs 
ina Jersey convenience store. ¥¥¥/2 
Cobb (2/94) As badass baseball legend, 
Tommy Lee Jones belts one. — ¥¥¥/2 
Death end the Maiden (See review) 
Sigourney gets revenge. Wie 
Disclosure (Listed only) Provocative 
drama from Crichton's book about a 
sexually harassed man—with Michael 
Douglas and Demi Moore. wy 
Exotica (Listed only) Oddballs bare 
their souls in a strip club. му 
Federal Hill (12/94) Providence—from 
the wrong side of the tracks. YWY 
Heavenly Creatures (1/95) Two giggly 
teenagers kill for thrills. wir 
Interview With the Vampire (2/95) Cruise 
and Pitt on a Rice diet. vv 
Legends af the Fall (Sce review) Pitt 
again—in a far better frame. ҰҰҰ 
The Madness of King George (See review) 
Vintage royal runs amok. wu 
A Man of No Importance (2/95) Finney is 
A-lasa closet Wilde man. yv 
Місті Rhapsody (2/95) Marital infideli- 
ty played as family fun. vvv 
Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (1/95) 
Wit and bitchery over lunch. ¥¥/2 
Murder in the First (Sce review) A fine, 
dim view inside Alcatraz. YYY/; 
Nell (See review) Jodie Foster comes 
out of the wilderness and wins. ҰҰ/: 
Nobody/s Fool (9/95) Folksy comedy 
with a deft stint by Paul Newman. УУУ 
Oleonna (1/95) David Mamet's talky 
sex duel from the barricades. | ¥¥¥ 
Queen Margot (See review) Blood, guts 
and beaucoup French history. YWY 
Ready to Wear (2/95, formerly Prét-à- 
Porter) Altman gives Parisian haute 
couture a hot foot. УУУУ 
The Road to Wellville (1/95) Erotica and 
enemas at a health spa. К ТУА 
Safe Passage (2/95) Sarandon and 
Shepard head a family in disarray. Ұ/: 
The Secret of Roan Inish (2/95) A daft 
Irish fable by John Sayles. 
Sex Drugs & Democracy (See review) 
Free spirits go Dutch, indeed. ¥¥/2 
S.EW. (11/94) Surviving teen hostages 
become overnight TV celebrities. VV. 
Strawberry and Chocolate (See review) 
To be gay and straight in Castro's 
Cuba. wy 
Tom and Viv (2/95) Marriage as a waste- 
land for poet TS. Fliot wy 
Vanya on 42nd Street (2/95) Skilled ac- 
tors at work on a Chekhov play. ҰҰҰ/; 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


YYYY Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


VIDEO 


ШІЛ 


No respect is what 
Rodney Dangerfield 
gets from badass 
screen daughter Juli- 
ette Lewis іп Natural 
Born Killers. But for 
once, the king of 
b self-deprecation isn't 
complaining. “Oliver 
Stone told me, ‘I think you're an actor—do 
this film.’ I play the worst guy in the world. 
And every line in the scene, but one, | 
wrote myself.” At home, Oangerfield rarely 
rewinds other funnymen on tape ("Laurel 
and Hardy were perhaps the greatest,” he 
notes, “but I've been writing jokes since | 
was 15, so it's hard for me to laugh"). That's 
why his video library is stocked with clas- 
sic tearjerkers such as The Grapes of 
Wrath, The Little Foxes and Come Back, 
Little Sheba. "They don't make ‘em like 
that anymore," he moans. His weepstakes 
winner? "It's a Wonderful Life. Because 
it's so contrary to myown.” — —oumsmt 


VIDEO SIX-PACK 
this month: st. potty's day reruns 


The Quiet Man (1952): ksteemed change- 
ofpace Duke Wayne vehicle about a 
peaceable American ex-prizefighter re- 
turning to his Irish homeland. 

The Informer (1935): Dipsomaniacal Vic- 
tor Mcl.aglen, out for areward, fingers a 
buddy for the British during the 1922 
Irish Rebellion. John Ford directs Liam 
O'Flaherty's dassic. 

Young Cassidy (1965): Lusty biopic of Irish 
author Sean O'Casey (Rod Taylor), set in 
scenic 1910 Dublin. Co-stars equally gor- 
geous Julie Christie. 

The Commitments (1991): Gaggle of mangy 
Dubliner kids slap together an American 
soul band. A joyous sleeper. 

The Field (1990): Pithy drama of rural 
Irish clannishness, with Richard Harris 
scrambling to protect the land he's tilled 
all his life. Co-stars Tom Berenger. 
Finian's Rainbow (1968): Fred Astaire and 
Petula Clark sparkle in musical about a 
leprechaun transported to the American 
South. Directed by—no joke—Francis 
Ford Coppola. — TERRY CATCHPOLE 


VIDEO BRAIN FOOD 


Cinema does not live by goofiness alone; 
some movies can enlighten—unsnarl 
enigmas, espouse doctrine, probe great 
minds. If The Mask is checked out, check 
out these think flicks: 

House of Games (1987): Two scams—one 
psychological, the other criminal vie as 
shrink Lindsay Crouse falls for hustler 


Joe Mantegna. Thriller con game from 
David Mamet. 

The Lost of Sheila (1973): A puzzle is at the 
heart of this whodunit, a scavenger hunt 
aboard a yacht, written by Stephen 
Sondheim and Anthony Perkins. Dyan 
Cannon is the horny agent. 

The Name of the Rose (1986): Franciscan 
monk-sleuth Sean Connery deciphers 
murder among shady Benedictines. Sex, 
violence and scholastic philosophy. 
Persona (1966): Disturbed mute actress 
Liv Ullmann trades personalities with 
nurse Bibi Andersson in Bergman's aus- 
tere study. Just think of humanity as 
essence, mask as accident, OK? 
Rashomon (1950): Contradictory accounts 
of a rape-murder in medieval Japan, 
each one convincing. Kurosawa's Oscar 
winner explores truth, guilt and, per- 
haps, the self-justifying power of art. 

My Dinner With Andre (1981): Proof that 
eavesdropping in a restaurant can be as 
stimulating as a double espresso. Louis 
Malle captures director Andre Gregory 
and writer Wallace Shaun cooking up a 
conversational feast. Quirky. 

Prospero's Books (1991): Peter Green- 
away's rhapsody on The Tempest is Shake- 
speare on LSD. Visual allusions to 
Michelangelo and Titian mean scads of 
dancing nudes. JAMES HARRIS 


VIDBITS 


A triple whammy for music-cinema 
video archivists: Abkco Films has re- 
leased Sympathy for the Devit (1970), Jean- 
Luc Godard's documentary about the 


making of the Rolling Stones’ 1968 plat- 
ter. The digitally restored flick, with re- 
mastered soundtrack, follows the Stones 
from rehearsals to recording sessions, 
weaving in images of the Sixties. Spooki- 
est segment: Bobby Kennedy's murder, 
which occurred during filming. . . . Be- 
hind every bloodsucker, there's a good 
woman—at least according to Anne Rice: 
Birth of the Vampire (BBC Video and 
CBS/Fox), a 45-minute ode to the un- 
dead's best-selling chronicler. The pro- 
gram traces Rice's life back to her New 
Orleans childhood and features her fam- 
ily, friends and a few fanged figments of 
her imagination. 


LASER FARE 


MCA has just entered the fancy-disc race 
with a Signature Edition release of Drag- 
өп: The Bruce Lee Story. The four-sided, let- 
terboxed CAV set ($70) features story- 
boards, trailers, audio play-by-play from 
director Rob Cohen and a special intro 
by the kung fu legend's widow, Linda 
Lee Cadwell. ... Was Ed Wood really as 
rotten a director as Tim Burton’s movie 
makes him out to be? You be the judge. 
Lumivision's Ed Wood Collection (CLV, 
879.95) is а two-disc tribute that in- 
cludes: Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959), 
Wood's worst and Bela Lugosi's last; Jail 
Bait: Ihe Directors Cut (1954), featuring 
restored footage and Hercules’ Steve 
Reeves іп his screen debut; and Plan 95 
sequel, Night of the Ghouls (1960), which 
was never released because Wood couldn't 
рау the film lab.  —GREGORY E FAGAN 


Clear end Present Danger (Ford is fine—agoin—as Clancy's 
Jock Ryan, this time saving us from drug lords ond Cabinet 
scum), Spanking the Monkey (Summer af 42 meets Oedipus 
Rex—deft take an college kid making out with Mom). 


Sex (dirty vignettes done up 
thaugh stacked with nasty knockouts), The Voyeur #2 (parking 
lot pick-ups and a lurid motel-room peek through John Leslie's 
roaming docu-style lens; trust us—it works). 


glossy MTV style; often flat, 


21 


22 


WIRED _ 


ENTERTAINMENT 
TO THE MAX 


Sony may have come up with the perfect 
way to get home theater hermits off their 
couches and back to the movies—the 
Sony Imax 3-D Theater. Recently 
opened in the Sony Theaters Lincoln 
Square Complex at 68th and Broadway 
in Manhattan, the newest Sony Imax is 
actually the first of several monster 3-D 
moviehouses being planned for the U.S. 
(San Francisco and Chicago reportedly 
are high on the list of future locations.) 
More than just venues for showing gi- 
gantic movies, new Imax theaters have 
been designed to showcase advanced- 


generation 3-D feature films. The first, a 
fly-boy adventure titled Wings of Courage 
that stars Val Kilmer, Tom Hulce and 
Elizabeth McGovern, debuts this spring. 
Watching it is like stepping into some sci- 
ence fiction fantasy. Those goofy cello- 
phane 3-D specs that we're all familiar 
with have been replaced by futuristic 
headsets with liquid crystal lenses. The 
lenses allow you to see two separate 
films—one for your right eye, and an- 
other (with a slightly different pers 
tive) for your left. This creates re 
stereoscopic vision without odd colors 
and unpleasant side effects. 
Movies are projected on an 8000- 
square-foot screen—eight stories 
high—with six channels of digital 
sound filtered throughout the 
theater and through personal 
speakers in each headset. The 
price of admission: $9. 


DIGITAL DIALING 


With “bigger, faster, better, more" ав 
their credo, computerphiles are turn- 
ing their attention to a telecommunica- 
tions system called Integrated Services 
Digital Network. Introduced ten years 
ago, ISDN is a digital phone service ide- 


al for home office professionals tired of 


the "modem or voice" choice, as well as 


for cybersurfers who want speedy access 
to the Net. In addition to providing a 
64,000-bit-per-second data transmission 
rate (compared with 28,800 for the 
fastest modems), ISDN lets you simulta- 
neously carry on phone conversations 
and transfer data—all from a single tele- 
phone line. ISDN’s initial price is steep. 
Because the service is offered solely 
through local telephone companies, in- 
stallation and monthly fees vary wide- 
ly—from "free of charge” to $500 for the 
former, and $20 to $90 for the latter. 
There are also usage fees, which may 
run scveral cents per minute, ав well as 
costs associated with upgrading your 
equipment to convert voice or computer 
data into ISDN's digital signal. Sound 
like a lot of dough to go digital? Maybe. 
But think about how fast computer 
prices have come down and how fast you 
will be able to surf on-line. 


PC PERIPHERALS 


Taking your computer too seriously 
these days? Then put the hardware in its 
place with these sensible yet silly periph- 
erals. Ultra Stat, a two-inch-high box 
($80) that sits atop your computer moni- 
tor, protects your PC by acting as a con- 
duit for static electricity. You know the 
device is taking all the shocks each time a 
frazzled-looking character named Ernie 


pops up on the box's liquid crystal dis- 

ау. 9 American Power Conversions 
has given the boring surge protector a 
designer touch. 
Rather than hide 


the colorful circuitry in a typical eggshell 
casing, APC shows it off in the new clear- 
cased Network Surge Arrest ($60). (Nev- 
er mind that it will probably be stashed 
under your desk) e Brainworks Star 
Trek accessory kit (pictured here, $149) 
dresses up your computer with a themed 
keyboard, disk holder and mouse, a 
mouse pad that's shaped like the Enter- 
prise's communicator badges and a mon- 
itor frame that makes your computer 
look like a piece of equipment on the 


bridge. Beam us ир! 


Want to jump in ond out of your fovorite Sego Genesis gomes without leoving the 
couch? Then check out ASG Technologies’ Video Jukebox (pictured below) and Infra- 
rad remote control. Priced at $50, the former is a cartridge server that stores six games 
and has networking technology to link together six Video Jukeboxes. The $30 Infrarad, 
which features ports for two controllers, enables you and a buddy to toggle between 
great titles such as Earthworm Jim, Mortol Kombat И and Streets of Rage 3 with the 
press of a button. Because the remote control is оп infrored receiver, there are no cords 
connecting you to the TV. Couch spuds who ore into Super 

Nintendo can pick up 


SNES 
versions of both 
devices for the some prices. 
© Music Interface Technologies, o 
company known for its sonically superior audio 
cables, recently introduced its first video product, the 
Res-LinQ Enhancer. An $80 cable that serves os an inter- 
face between TV and VCR or laser disc player or A/V receiver, Res- 
LinQ boosts frequencies between the two video sources in an effort io im- 
prove picture quality. Test viewers said the product offered "line-doubler-like effects” 
ond “filmlike quality with VCR setups.” Videos oppeored shorper, with more detail ond 
texture. And even laser discs looked better and brighter. 


MULTIMEDIA REVIEWS & NEWS 


ON CD-ROM 
The year is 2047. You're a hovercab driv- 
er in a quarantined city called Kemo— 
and, frankly, life sucks. A neurodrug 
introduced into the water supply to 
eliminate criminal thoughts has mixed 
with some bad bacteria, turning every- 
one into crazed killers. Fortunately, any- 
thing goes in this psycho city, so you've 
equipped your hovercab with headlight- 
mounted machine guns and are on a 


gonzo mission to blast your way out of 


town. Of course, that won't be easy be- 
cause the gujs in charge use their own 
ammo—rockets, bullets and land 
mines—to keep you from leaving. Plus 
there's the annoying fact that you have 
to pick up and deliver fares to earn mon- 
еу for more ammunition. Like our syn- 


CYBER SCOOP 


|, Dennis Conner hos jumped 

2 ship—at leost on the $200,000 
custom computer system that 
helped him win America’s Cup 
roces. Instead, he and his Stors 
ond Stripes team are sailing іо- 
ward а 1995 victory using a $330 
version of Microsoft Excel. 


Beer companies аге sponsoring 
World Wide Web sites. The Miller 
Genvine Draft Тар Room, 
htlp://www.mgdtaproom.com, 
offers fun features on trendy fosh- 
ions, food and nightlife. And 
there's not on МО od in sight. 


opsis of Quarantine? Then you're going 
to love this CD-ROM arcade-style game. 
In addition to а lightning-fast 3-0 en- 
gine and appropriately grim graphics, 
the game features a cool first—the hov- 
ercab's radio plays songs by alternative 
rock bands from Australia. If you get 
tired of the Aussie tunes, you can put 
your own CD into the disk drive and it 
will play through the 
cab's radio. We suggest 
Ministry's New World 
Order with this final 
warning: Look out for 
pedestrians. They can 
really mess up your 
windshield. (From Game- 
tek for MS-DOS and 
3DO, $60.) 


Food & Wine's Wine 
Tasting won't give you a 
buzz—it's not that inter- 
active. But. oenophiles 
as well as newcomers to 
the grape can use it to 
take an entertaining multimedia tour 
through the world of wine. As jazz plays 


PLAYBOY'S 40TH ANNIVERSARY. 
FOUR DECADES OF JAZZ (1953 1992) 


Ployboy's Home Page 


in the background, you explore the 
wine-growing regions from Piedmont to 
Napa, learn to judge wine quality and 
hear how to pronounce Pouilly-Fumé la 
Renardi Domaine Bouchie-Chatelli- 
ег. Once you have the basics, you can set 
up a wine-tasting session (you buy the 
bottles), or have your own taster’s profile 
done by Steve Olson, the wine director 
at Gramercy Tavern in New York. Tell 
him your food preferences, and he will 
tell you what 
wines you'll 
like best and 
offer recom- 
mendations. 
You don't even 
have to tip. 
(From Times 
Mirror Multi- 
media, $50.) 


mp- 


чш: 


Exploring sub- 
stance.digizine, 
a CD-ROM 
magazine, is 
like riding a 
roller coaster. One minute you’re in an 
industrial dungeon listening to Nine 
Inch Nails front man Trent Reznor rant 
about music industry conspiracies, and 
the next you're soaring in a rocket sl 

to soothing worlds of ambient music. 
The graphics are beyond wild, the edito- 
rials decidedly Gen X—and there's plen- 
ty of cool video. In the first issue (four 
are published per year), you can watch 
clips from NIN videos that were banned 
from MTV, as well as public-service ads 
directed by Michael Supe, Natalie Mer- 
chant and KRS-One. The ads accompa- 
ny an engrossing article, titled Minding 
the Mainstream, about filmmaker Jim 
McKay. Known as an “anti-adman” for 
his short documentaries challenging the 
legitimacy of network news, McKay 
teamed with Stipe to form Direct Effect, 
a nonprofit group that funds public-ser- 
vice announcements on social issues 
such as homelessness and women's re- 
productive rights. For 
now, substance is a wip 
only Windows users can 
take. But we're told a 
Macintosh edition is in 
the works, so sit tight. 
(By Substance Interac- 
tive Media, about $20 
per issue or $75 for a 
one-year subscription.) 


Quorentine 


ON-LINE 
On the first day God 
created the Internet. 
On the second day he 
created the World Wide 
Web—and there was 
chaos. But on the third day he creat- 
ed Netscape, a one-stop-shop to cyber- 


space. Netscape is an Internet navigator 
that allows you to access a variety of 
sites—file transfer protocols, Gophers, 
Usenet newsgroups and the Web for you 
Netheads—that formerly required sepa- 
rate software. Developed by Marc An- 
dreessen, the 23-year-old creator of Mo- 
saic, and Silicon Graphics founder Jim 
Clark, Netscape is based on Mosaic but is 
even easier to use. The graphic user in- 
terface is simple to follow and fun to 
peruse thanks 
to a dragon 
named Mozilla 
that appears in 
various forms 
on Netscape's 
hyperlink 
pages. Unlike 
other naviga- 
tors, Netscape 
allows you to 
view docu- 
ments while 
images are 
loading. Plus, 
it's fast. If 
you're using a 14.4 kilobyte or 28.8 kilo- 
byte modem, Netscape will get you 
where you're going sooner than any of 
its competitors. And with a high-speed 
data connection, such as a ТІ or an 
ISDN (see "Digital Dialing” on page 22 
for details), you'll Hy. Netscape ts ауай- 
able for Windows, Unix and Macintosh 
operating systems. Be sure to check out 
the navigators What's New and What's 
Cool lists of Web sites, the Internet Di- 
rectory link (for a look at the range of in- 
fo now on the Net), and our Home Page 
at http://www.playboy.com. (By Netscape 
Communications Corporation, 599.) 


DIGITAL DUDS 


The Best North American Strip- 
pers: With no music or video 
footoge on this CD-ROM, you 
might as well spend the money 
ot a gentleman's club—for real 
entertainment. 


mayhem 


Personality Expert: A fake doctor 
who looks like he was drawn by o 
two-year-old analyzes your be- 
hovior in this disc-based progrom 
for MS-DOS. 


Carey DeVuono's Hollywood 
Mogul: “I'm not a Hollywood 
mogul, but I ploy one on CD" is 
the gist of Ihis Windows game on. 
disc. But in the time it takes to di- 
gest the 128-роде manual, you 
could move to Los Angeles, get а 
job in the moilroom of a movie 
studio ond work your way up to 
mogul status. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 153. 


23 


NELSON GEORGE 


BIRD 15 GONE. So are Magic and Michael 
Jordan. The generation that grew up on 
hip-hop is now the National Basketball 
Association's new generation of stars. 
Not only do they play the game to rap's 
rhythms, now some rock the mike them- 
selves. Shaquille O'Neal, the NBA's lead- 
ing new jack star, debuted with a strong 
rap album released before his rookie 
season. Now he's back with Shaq Fu: Do 
Return (Jive), ап 11-cut collection that 
features an all-star team of guest rap- 
pers, including members of the Wu Tang 
Clan, Ill Al Skratch and Warren С. 

aq has a deep, resonant voice that's 
s gly distinctive, and has clever 
things to say. The flip side is that Shaq's 
delivery can be monotonous, lacking nu- 
When working with real rhyme 
like Wu Tang's Prince Rakeem, 
the RZA and Method Man on the song 
No Hook, Shaq is severely outclassed, But 
Shaq can sound strong and confident: 
Da Кешт most compelling track is 
Biological Didn't Bother (G-Funk Version), 
which is both a dis of his wayward bio- 
logical pops and a celebration of his 
adoptive father. 


FAST CUT: Shag also has a track on 
B-ball's Best Kept Secret (Immortal/Epic), 
though many of the other players have 
skills (at least in the studio) superior to 
those of the big man. Among the hoop 
stars moonlighting as rappers are the 
Lakers’ Cedric Ceballos, the Clippers’ 
Malik Sealy, the Magic’s Brian Shaw and 
Dennis Scott, the Cavaliers’ Chris Mills, 
the Timberwolves’ J.R. Rider, the Mav- 
ericks’ Jason Kidd and the Supersonics’ 
Gary Payton. Dana Barros, a three-point 
specialist for Philadelphia, displays а 
tasty rhyme flow on Check It. He's backed 
by good production from Lucien, a mu- 
sician who earned his rep in Paris. On 
the poignant Anything Can Happen, Brian 
Shaw tells the real-life story of a traffic 
accident that killed most of his family. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


The current acoustic guitar boom can 
be traced back to one guy: John Fahey. 
In the latc Fifties, he figured out that the 
stecl-string acoustic could be а com- 
pelling solo instrument. Taking bits of 
blues, folk, rock, dassical, gospel and 
various world influences, he fashioned 
some of the most compelling mclodics 
ever picked with a thumb and two 
fingers. I own 18 of his albums on vinyl 
and another ninc on CD, and I still 
check the bins for anything I might have 
missed. So I’m naturally thrilled with Re- 
turn of the Repressed: The John Fahey Anthol- 


24 озу (Rhino), a greatest-hits collection. 


‘Shaq Fu: Da Return. 


Another Shaq attack, 
the Return of the Repressed 
and Veruca Salt's new sisterhood. 


Many guitarists have developed flashier 
techniques, but no one has passed Fahey 
as a writer for the guitar. Thus I'm dis- 
appointed at the length of this set. With 
just two CDs, it has to stick with the 
shorter, happier songs. His longer, dark- 
er works could easily have filled another 
disc. But it's still a fine introduction to 
one of America's great composers. 


FAST cuts: The Eagles, Hell Freezes Over 
(Geffen): Soaring harmonies and sore at- 
titude. Mostly the greatest hits revisited, 
which they've done several times. 

World Music: The Rough Guide (Rough): If 
you're bored with American рор and 
seek exotic new thrills, the editors of this 
terrific book vill point you in all kinds of 
cool directions. Indispensable and damn 
near complete. 

Butt Trumpet, Primitive Enema (EMI/ 
Chrysalis): Giddily obscene punk rock 
and no depressing narcissism. Made me 
laugh several times, 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Walter Becker and Dan Hicks weren't 
houschold names two decades ago when 
they had reason to be, so never mind if 
their monikers barely ring a bell today. 
Now 44, Becker was half the brains of 
the long-lost Stecly Dan, but 11 Tracks of 
Whack (Giant) is his first solo album. The 
53-year-old Hicks was a retro cult hero 
who sang with the Django-styled Hot 


Licks, but the live Shootin’ Straight (On the 
Spot) is his first release in 16 years. And 
though neither record will make either 
artist a superstar, both show just how en- 
tertaining old dogs’ old tricks can be. 

Granted, 11 Tracks of Whack isn't exact- 
ly fun. But diehard Steely Dan fans who 
still crave frequent fixes of sardonic, jazz- 
steeped sophistication should find Whack 
more perversely satisfying than 1993's 
long-awaited opus from Donald Fagen, 
Kamakiriad. The opening tracks of Beck- 
er's album, Down in the Bottom and Junkie 
Girl, swing with visionary despair. Al- 
though the lyrics fog up some, and Beck- 
er's stony voice starts to wear, what fol- 
lows leaves no doubt whose bad attitude 
Stccly Dan dichards found so bracing. 

In contrast, Hicks is a cheerful cuss, 
whether the subject is little green men, 
lying Lauric, drowned sorrows or the 
deaths of his favorite relatives. The old- 
timey folk-jazz complements his non- 
sense as expertly as ever. And the layoff 
has given him an opportunity to freshen 
his songbook. By the time he's 70, I bet. 
he'll Бе good for another one. 


FAST CUT: Speaking of acoustic jazz— 
not to mention cheerful—The Jazz Age: 
New York in the Twenties (Blucbird) is a 
time-tested collection of infectious tunes 
by four seminal white jazz groups. 
Among the layers are Red Nichols, Ed- 
die Lang, Joe Venuti, Phil Napoleon, 
Benny Goodman and Glenn Miller. 
While I wouldn't swear that they always 
swing, they sure jump around a lot. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Until recently, women in rock меге 
pressured to conform to one of two 
models, either the tough leatherette, im- 
itating men, or the pop tart, catering 
to men’s fantasics. Women rockers such 
as Courtney Love, Liz Phair and the 
Breeders are demanding to break 
through the stereotypes and take control 
of their own music. Chicago's Veruca 
Salt combines the best impulses of the 
new sisterhood. Power chords and airy 
harmonies fuel the songs on Americon 
Thighs (Minty Fresh/DGC). On Seether, 
the edgy sweetness explodes as Nina 
Gordon, Louise Post and their male 
rhythm section wrestle with anger in a 
catchy context. Sometimes they slow toa 
crunching crawl, other times they slam 
out a bittersweet, raucous rocker. But 
they always sound as if they're living up 
to their own expectations and standards. 


rast сит: Joni Mitchell has always writ- 
ten and sung from her heart. But over 
the past decade she's seemed a bit adrift 
at times, and her albums have been 


overproduced. Turbulent Indigo (Reprise) 
is а magnificent return to form, easily 
her best work since 1982's Wild Things 
Run Fast. Most of the digital sheen and 
electronic baubles have been peeled 
away, which serves to reveal her vibrant 
songeraft. On Sunny Sunday, the young 
girl who once rose to grect the sun on 
Chelsea Morning now waits for night so 
she can take shots at the streetlights. On 
How Do You Stop, she uses her newfound 
wisdom to avoid the lousy relationships 
and work through the ones with 
promise, Welcome to the Nineties, Joni. 


DAVE MARSH 


The scariest thing on Nirvana Un- 
plugged in New York (Geffen) is Where Did 
You Sleep Last Night, an ancient Ap- 
palachian ballad better known as In the 
Pines. It contains sinister overtones of 
murder, abandonment, abuse and pros- 
tution. Kurt Cobain sings it like fate was 
hovering, ready to steal his breath away. 
He would have been an ideal collabora- 
tor on Mike Seeger's Third Annual Farewell 
Reunion (Rounder). Only a beloved folk- 
lorist like Mike Seeger, who's been doing 
this stuff since way back in the New Lost 
City Ramblers, could have pulled 23 
performers together on this disc. The 
material includes Dylan's quaking re- 
assessment of his own Hollis Brown, East 
Virginia Blues with Ralph Stanley and 
John Cooke, Cripple Creek with Etta Bak- 
er and Deep Shady Grove with Jean 
Ritchie. But no one here—not even Dy- 
lan singing about death on the prairie— 
sounds anywhere near as desolate as 
Cobain. That’s not because the songs 
aren't suffused with mortality. It’s be- 
cause Seeger and the music he loves cre- 
ate community. That animating spirit 
probably couldn't have lifted Cobain's 
depression. But it reminds us that hu- 
mans can still make art from their woes. 


FAST CUTS: Time Zone Exchange Project: 
Over the Edge Vol. 7, Negativiand (Seeland): 
This material from the group's weekly 
radio show constitutes a double-disc col- 
lage of music, found sounds and cryptic 
dialogue. Hilarious, scathing, potentially 
revolutionary, it's worth the investment 
of money, time and attention it demands 
(1920 Monument Blvd., MF-1, Concord, 
CA 94520, fax 510-420-0469). 

Peter Laughner and Friends, Take the 
Guitar Player for a Ride (Tim Kerr Rec- 
ords): Laughner had the chops to match 
his perceptions, which might have 
ranked him as the perfect transition be- 
tween post-Dylan and punk even if he 
hadn't died young and wasted. Sketchy, 
often too poetic, infatuated with death 
and self-destruction, this album also de- 
serves to be called touching, even heart- 
breaking (PO. Box 49423, Portland, 
Oregon 97242) 


FAST TRACKS 


OC K 


Christgau 


Garbarini 


METER 


Walter Becker 


11 Tracks of Whack a 


7 9 6 7 


John Fohey 
Return of the 
ressed 


Shaquille O'Neal 
Shoq Fu: Do Return 


Veruca Salt 
American Thi: 


Mike Seeger 
Third Annuol Fore- 
well Reunion, 


COALS TO NEWCASTLE DEPARTMENT: This 
past fall, Ted Nugent offered a bow- 
hunting symposium and fund-raiser 
at the request of the Iowa tribe of 
Kansas and Nebraska. Does Dr. 
Quinn know about this? 

REELING AND ROCKING: Testament 
makes its movie debut in James 
Comeron’s film Strange Days, which 
Stars Ralph Fiennes, Juliette Lewis and 
Angela Bassett. The band also will be 
featured on the soundtrack. . . . 
Madonna, who has signed to appear in 
Quentin Tarantino's next film project, is 
also interested in directing. ... A TV 
bio of the Judds is in the works for a 
spring airdate. . . . Currently Wood- 
stock 94 is a double CD and a home 
video. Will there be a movie? Poly- 
gram is waiting to see how the CD 
and video are received before making 
a decision on Academy Award 
ning director Barbara Kopple's doc- 
umentary. . . . Evan Dando will be Шу 
Tyler's love interest in Heavy. . . . Melis- 
sa Etheridge is singing J Take You With 
Me in Whoopi Goldberg's movie Boys 
on the Side. . .. Sam Phillips makes her 
acting debut in Die Hard: With a 
Vengeance as Jeremy Irons’ girlfriend. . . . 
Remember Bobby Fuller's song / Fought 
the Law? Thirty years after Fuller's 
mysterious death, interest in him re- 
mains strong. Black 47 has a song 
about Fuller on Home of the Brave, and 
the veteran record producer who dis- 
covered him, Bob Keane, plans a film 
biography. 

INEWSBREAKS: Producer Rick Rubin has 
eclectic taste: He's produced Johnny 
Cash, Tom Petty and now AC/DC. . . . John 
Lennon, Dovid Bowie, Jerry Garcia, John 
Mellencamp, Ron Wood and Carly Simon 
are among 55 musicians who have 
contributed art to a new and expen- 
sive limited-edition book, Musicians as 


Artists. At $1000 per copy, the books 
are numbered (only 100 are being 
printed) and signed by most of the 
artists. The publisher has donated the 
books to Musicares, which provides 
emergency financial aid to mu 
in need of shelter or health care. . . 

took Jim Kerr of Simple Minds more 
than three years to get past 
writer's block. Says Kerr, “Initially, I 
wasn't too worried, but a few months 
started to pass and | thought, Maybe 
gone." Тһе CD Good Neus From Ihe 
Next World is just out. Vanessa 
Williams (reigning star of Kiss of Ihe 
Spider Woman) will originate a Broad- 
way role and record an album of stan- 
dards and one of children's songs. 
When you're hot, you're hot. . . . Lorry 
Kirwan (of Black 47) has written a play, 
Liverpool Fantasy, opening in San 
Francisco this spring. It’s about what 
might have happened to the Beatles if 
they hadn't made it. The play is one 
of five in his book Mad Angel. ... The 
Red Hot organization just keeps re- 
leasing CDs. Since Red Ной + Blue was 
released in 1990, the organization has 
disbursed about $7 million to AIDS 
groups. Recent releases Red Hot + Cool 
(jazz) and Red Hot + Country will Бе 
joined by projects including an indie 
rock disc and one with Brazilian 
artists... МТУ Unplugged format 
has caught (or will catch) the Cranber- 
ries, Hole, a reggae program and pos- 
sibly a multi-artist Christmas show. . . . 
We guarantee you late-night laughs if 
you pick up the recent edition of Dave 
Marsh and James Bernard's New Book 
of Rock Lists (Fireside). It has predict- 
able lists. It also has truly zany ones 
such as Allen Ginsberg's favorite blues 
records, P-Funk's classic party chants 
and ten artists who make chubby 
Checker dance. — BARBARA NELLIS 


25 


26 


JAZZ 


By NEIL TESSER 


STEADY BETTY 


wırH Carmen McRae gone and Ella 
Fitzgerald ill, Betty Carter now stands 
alone as jazz's greatest female vocalist. 
And with the death of Art Blakey, she has 
also assumed the role of jazz talent scout. 
For years, musi- 
cians have joined 
Carter's trios as 
boys but left as 
men, after meet- 
ing her virtuosic 
musical demands. 
Her latest al- 
bum, Feed the Fire 
(Verve), recorded 
on tour in 1993, 
stars Carter's first 
sidewoman: Geri 
Allen, who helped 
concoct the arrangements. But the all- 
star trio also "turns out some of the old 
folks.” By old folks she is referring to 
bassist Dave Holland and drummer Jack 
DeJohnette. Both are only a generation 
younger than Carter herself- who, at 
64, shows no signs of slowing down. 

This year also brings a reissue of her 
spectacular duet concert with Carmen 
McRae (alsu un Verve), recorded cight 
years ago. 

But the big news is her association 
with the 24-hour cable jazz network pro- 
posed by BET: "I've told them they have 
to come up to date. If they use old con- 
cert footage, it has to be mixed well. 
They can't just do one concert after an- 
other. They need to produce conceptual 
videos. And they better do it soon, be- 
fore all these young guys who could play 
the visuals get old.” 


CARTER 


NEW RELEASES 


Three of the younger “veterans” of 
Betty Carter's recordings, including the 
aforementioned Geri Allen, have new re- 
leases of their own. The technically im- 
peccable pianist Allen has at times drift- 
ed off the mark musically, but she brings 
an especially sharp focus to Twenty-One 
(Blue Note). Tenor man Don Braden 
leads a septet on his impressive After Dark 
(Criss Cross Jazz, Postbox 1214, 7500 BE 
Enschede, Holland). Braden plays with a 
little less flash but a lot more substance 
than many contemporaries, and this al- 
bum offers a surprisingly mature take 
on neo-bop. And after more than 70 re- 
cording dates in his first three years on 
the scene, bass wunderkind Christian 
McBride makes his debut as a leader 
with Gettin” to и (Verve), featuring Roy 
Hargrove and Joshua Redman in an all- 
star combo. It's solid, if unremarkable. 


In the mid-Eighties, composer and 
saxist Henry Threadgill led a septet that 
electrified the jazz world with its rich- 
ly flavored (and surprisingly accessible) 
mélange of avant-garde ingredients. His 
subsequent outfit, called Very Very Cir- 
cus, failed to capture the same level of 
interest. But Carry the Day (Columbia), his 
first major label recording in five years, 
may re-establish his prominence. The 
band—dominated by guitars, low brass 
(two tubas) and the leader's throaty 
alto—has never sounded clearer, and 
‘Threadgill makes splendid additional 
use of violin, accordion and vocals. The 
calypso-inspired title track sums it up: 
wild, woolly, a bit unsettling and wholly 
entertaining. 

Pharoah Sanders, who first achieved 
fame as a member of John Coltrane's 
band in the Sixties, offers a loving tribute 
on the double-disc Crescent With Love (Еу- 
idence). Frankly imitative of Trane's ear- 
ly-Sixties ballad style, Sanders’ playing 
nonetheless rings true on these late- 
night laments and homages. Meanwhile, 
John Coltrane's tenor-playing son, Ravi, 
Stretches out to good advantage as а 
guest with the Contempo Trio, which is 
anchored by former Pat Metheny drum 
mer Danny Gottlieb. The occasion is No 
JAMFs Allowed (Jazz Line, 156 Fifth Ave., 


IF you like vocalists, 
the best of the boxes 
feature three who laid 
the cornerstones for modern jazz singing: 
Louis Armstrong, Ello Fitzgerald and 
Frank Sinatra. 

History reveres Armstrong pri- 
marily for his peerless trumpet 2), 
work and for estoblishing the pri- > 
тасу of the improvising 
soloist. But he also in- 
vented scat singing; and 
even when he stuck to 
lyrics, his exuberant style. 
showed the connection 
between singing and 
playing o horn, thus es- 
toblishing a model for 
Ihe jazz singers to come. 

Portrait of the Artist сз 
а Young Men, о hond- 
somely annotated four- 
CD set, documents the 
development of Arm- 
strong from talented 
sideman in the early 
Twenties to full-fledged genius in the 
mid-Thirties. While it avoids being епсу- 
clopedic, this compilotion contains all the 
essentials—and then some. 

Armstrong invented scat, but Fitzgor- 
old perfected the form. Her improviso- 
tions have olwoys lit up her concerts. Sey- 


LOUIS, ELLA 
AND FRANK 


New York, NY 10010). 

Speaking of Metheny, the hardest- 
working guitarist in jazz signals a change 
in his band’s direction on We Live Here 
(Geffen). Working hand in glove with 
keyboardist Lyle Mays, Metheny's new 
music departs from its strong South 
American connection of the past ten 
years and embraces a variety of urban 
street beats. Yes, Pat Metheny plays hip- 
hop (or something like it). More impor- 
tant, the densely layered arrangements 
frame some of est solos on disc. TI 
craftsmanship will come as no surprise 
to Bob Curnow: He has arranged a doz- 
en tunes for his L.A. Big Band on The Music 
of Pat Metheny & Lyle Mays (MAMA, 555 E. 
Easy St., Simi Valley. CA 93065). And the 
surprising success with which the songs 
translate to the big-band idiom demon- 
strates the often camouflaged complexi- 
ty of Metheny and Mays’ writing. 


Hers PICKS: Two albums have caught 
Hugh Hefner's attention and should be 
of interest to fans of Sinatra and big 
bands. Dreamscape (Sony) introduces Ken- 
ny Colman, a "saloon singer" recom- 
mended by Blue Eyes himself. And on 
Dream Dancing И (Aero Space), Ray An- 
thony leads his plush jazz orchestra in a 
program of sentimental favorites. 


eral of her great live 
performances make up 
onother four-disc box, 
Ello: The Concert Years (Pablo). Recorded 
from 1953 to 1983, in Tokyo, New York, 

Stockholm and Santa Monica 

А (and featuring the базе and 
Ellington bands as well as Ello's 
own trio), it brims with unfamil- 

г and unforgettable 
treasures. 

No pop singer 
took more from јога 
than Sinatra, ond two 
sets prove the point by 
focusing on his early 
stardom. The Song Is You 
(RCA) contains 120 
tracks (on five CDs) that 
Sinatra recorded os vo- 
calist with the Tommy 
Dorsey Orchestra be- 
tween 1940 ond 1942. 
The crooner's supple 
young baritone com- 

*"* bines with Dorsey's but- 
tery trombone to define the sound of an 
era. Of even greoter historical interest is. 
The V-Discs (Columbia). This set gothers 
more than 50 Sinatra songs (with spoken 
introductions) recorded between 1943 
and 1946 specifically for American forces 
stationed overseas. 


омо RAW язя SUA IL PL AN AN TH чады; чана SI 


Those who appreciate quality 
enjoy it responsibly. 


You have two more wishes. 


Ву DIGBY DIEHL 


YOU NEEDNT BE а prophet to wonder how 
CD-ROM technology will affect the fu- 
ture of publishing. Will the disc replace 
the book? Has the Library of Congress 
been rendered obsolete? Is the novel, 
once again, dead? Will an optical data 
retrieval system steal the soul of litera- 
ture? The answer is a resounding no. 

But CD-ROM presents challenges and 
opportunities for the book business, and 
major publishers are eagerly exploring 
this electronic frontier. Barnes & Noble, 
the bookselling chain, has introduced 
CD-ROM products into its superstores 
and has forged a space-sharing partner- 
ship with Software, Etc. to provide for 
CD-ROM sections in 30 other stores 
around the country. Tom Hawarth, di- 
rector of multimedia for Barnes & No- 
ble, sees this as a strong future trend: 
"We think that CD-ROM is going to bc 
an important complement for our book- 
stores. It started off faster than audio- 
tape; we'll sec how far it will go. We are 
concentrating here on content-based CD- 
ROM—not games, not applications. 

“The future of this technology will de- 
pend on how the hardware develops. 
Right now, it is expensive and cumber- 
some. But that can change rapidly, as it 
did in the video and music industries. 
We don’t see discs replacing books. 
They've yet to make a disc you can take 
to the beach. But we want to position 
ourselves to make a transition if the mar- 
ket moves forward quickly." 

More than 10 million CD-ROM play- 
ers are already installed іп American 
Computers, according to Publishers Week- 
ly, and some 4000 CD-ROM titles are 
available on a broad range of subjects. 

The first leap from the library shelf to 
the computer screen was strictly a space- 
saving compression. Want the entire 20- 
volume Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford 
University Press) on a disc? No problem. 
The Bard's complete works (along with 
Barron's crib notes) all in a Shakespeare 
Study Guide (World Library) with hyper- 
text? While you're at it, how would you 
like the 44 million words of the CD Ency- 
clopaedia Britannica (Britannica)? 

The latest compilations of data on 
CD-ROM, however, go beyond volume 
into the realms of multimedia and inter- 
action. Infopedia (Future Vision) incorpo- 
rates the complete works of Merriam- 
Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Roget's 21st 
Century Thesaurus, Webster's New Biograph- 
ical Dictionary, Webster's Dictionary of Eng- 
lish Usage, The 1994 World Almanac and 
Book of Facts, Merriam-Webster Dictionary 
of Quotations, The Hammond Atlas of the 
World and the entire 29 volumes of Funk 

28 € Wagnalls Encyclopedia. 


CD-ROM: A new way of telling a story. 


CD-ROMs claim 
a place in the 
post-Gutenberg galaxy. 


With more than 200,000 entries illus- 
trated by thousands of photos, drawings 
and maps, this new reference work 
dwarfs competition such as Encarta, 
Compton’s Interactive and Grolier Multime- 
dia. The publisher claims it sets a new 
multimedia standard with 60 videos, 90 
animation segments and a new cross-ref- 
erencing interface that will allow the 
user to find information in several 
sources on a single screen. Infopedia is a 
model of the colorful, one-stop refer- 
епсе packages that have already chal- 
lenged conventional encyclopedias. 

Voyager pioneered the concept of Ex- 
panded Books for students, using floppy 
disks to create hypertext versions of The 
Annotated Alice and Michael Crichton's 
Jurassic Park, including dinosaur noises. 
Now, using 600 megabytes on a CD- 
ROM, Voyager takes a classic, such as 
Shakespeare's Macbeth, and places every 
tool of exploration and explanation 
imaginable at the user's fingertips. More 
than 1500 annotations can be accessed 
by clicking on key words on the screen. A 
complete audio performance of the play 
by the Royal Shakespeare Company is 
coordinated with the text. Clips from 
Macbeth films by Orson Welles, Akira 
Kurosawa (Throne of Blood) and Roman 
Polanski provide different interpreta- 
tions for comparison. You can add your 
own notes to the text. And there are 34 
commentaries by scholars оп specific 
scenes and ten essays exploring issues 
raised by the play. The avid interactive 


user can pick a role and emote karaoke- 
style with actors from the RSC. 

CD-ROM producer Byron Preiss 
brings similar interactive touches to his 
versions of literary classics for Time 
Warner Interactive. His most recent сге- 
ations are a time-travel edition of Kurt 
Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five and dev- 
erly film-enhanced texts of the Philip 
Marlowe novels and stories in Trouble Is 
Му Business: The Raymond Chandler Li- 
brary. However, Preiss' masterpiece thus 
far is The Essential Frankenstein. 

Mary Shelley's 1818 novel is enhanced 
with period music, narrations and his- 
torical background notes. Horror-litera- 
ture critic Leonard Wolf provides exten- 
sive textual annotation and a video 
interview. The 19th century images are 
juxtaposed with clips of Boris Karloff's 
1931 portrayal of the monster. 

We confess a weakness for the playful 
Cartoon History of the Universe (Putnam 
New Media). Containing 2000 anima- 
tions in full color and five hours of 
audio, this CD-ROM book brings alive 
cartoonist Larry Gonick's irreverent 
13-billion-year trip from the big bang 
to Alexander the Great. Narration by 
a nutty professor—and 17 related 
games—will keep even the academically 
challenged glued to this history lesson. 

The electronic coffee-table book is still 
in its infancy, but some recent titles sug- 
gest how powerful this form of visual ex- 
ploration can be. For example, in The Ul- 
timate Frank Lloyd Wright (Byron Preiss/ 
Microsoft), a click of the mouse takes you 
on three-dimensional walking tours of 
Wright buildings such as the Robie 
House and the Larkin Building. This 
disc also allows you to study the details of 
his architecture in hundreds of color 
photographs and provides extensive com- 
mentary on Wright's legacy. A clever i 
teractive feature even encourages you to 
design and build your own building in 
Wright's style. 

In The Wall: A Living Memorial (Magnet 
Interactive) you can now make a “virtual 
isit" to the Vietnam Veterans’ Memori- 
al. This CD-ROM allows viewers to ex- 
perience an animated model of the wall, 
and it provides information about each 
of the 58,000 men and women who lost 
their lives. 

So what about the great American 
electronic novel? We haven't seen any- 
one attempt it yet. But when someone 
does, we bet that the first fiction on disc 
will look a lot like experiential games 
such as Myst and Under a Killing Moon. 
Interactive multimedia holds huge po- 
tential for storytelling. 

Until then, there is still plenty to ex- 
plore and to enjoy in this new post- 
Gutenberg galaxy. 


/ Д Ihe Remarkable ў 
a Re-creation Or ee 
A King’s Fantasy p oda 


g achievement 
in miniatu 


They called the king who built it “mad.” 
A castle that rises through the mists of the 
Bavarian Alps- its walls, towers, peaked 
roofs. turrets and lofty spires more dream- 
like than real. This is Neuschwanstein, 
truly the world’s most enchanting castle 


Now, Lenox has commissioned master 
miniaturist Ron Spicer to perform the 
seemingly impossible task of re-creating 
this monument to fantasy-in miniature. A 
feat so astonishing that a 200-foot tower is 
now just five inches high! 


Ron Spicer achieved exceptional detail 
using a sculptor's blend of resin porcelain. 
The relief image of St. George on horse- 
back on the north tower, the lofty watch- 
man’s post, the balcony outside the royal 
suite—all are accurately portrayed. And 
the entire sculpture is painted by hand. 


Neuschwanstein elevates the ап of minia- 
turization. Yet this superb Lenox? re- 
creation is priced at just $76, and your 
satisfaction is completely guaran- 
teed. Not currently sold through 
art galleries or even fine col- 
lectible stores, the sculpture 
is available only from 
Lenox. To own your 
very own castle, mail 
your reservation today. 
1139872 


Inc. 1995 


Please mail by 
March 31, 1995 ! 
Not sotd in collectible stores | 
Please enter my reservation for | 
Neuschwanstein, a hand-painted 1 
| re-creation from Lenox. I need send no | 
money now. I will be billed for my imported 

i sculpture in four monthly installments of 

 NEUSCHWANSTEIN 1 519% each. ! 
COLLECTOR'S MINIATURE i E Із gnature l 
SHOWN SMALLER THAN а І 
ACTUAL SIZE OF 10" ! 
LONG AND 7 1/2" HIGH, | Address 1 
INCLUDING BASE, 1 la 1 
І 
! 
! 
1 
1 


Name. 
І 


І 
State 


| Telephone ( 
| "Ре S59 pa wur fo 
tax wil e buled app 


NEUSCHWANSTEIN CASTLE 


IN THE BAVARIAN ALPS Mail to: L 
3020, 


30 


FITNESS 


L ike a lot of drugs, it is known on 
the street by many names: moke, 
crank, forty-weight, mud, java, joe. 
More than half of all Americans use it 
every day. In Seattle, where I live, it is 
common to see queues of twitchy addicts 
waiting desperately for their morning 
fix. “Double tall latté, two percent, no 
foam," they plead as they hand over 
crumpled bills, speaking in the impene- 
trable patois of the junkie. 

I admit it: I'm an addict, too. I tried to 
quit once, but for three hellish days I en- 
dured depression, night sweats, muscle 
pain, irritability, nausea and a headache 
that fclt like someone had driven a four- 
inch nail behind cach cycball. Unable to 
bear it, I hastened to my neighborhood 
Starbucks and mainlined a demitasse of 
Italian-roast espresso. 

Whatever you call it, coffee qualifies as 
a powerful drug. Some believe it's also a 
dangerous one. It has been suspected of 
causing cancer of the pancreas, heart at- 
tacks, high blood pressure and other 
life-threatening ailments. The latest re- 
search, however, suggests that the risks 
posed by coffee have been wildly over- 
stated. A comprehensive review of the 
scientific literature published in the 
March 1993 issue of Archives of Family 
Medicine concludes, “Coffee appears to 
pose no particular threat to most people 
if consumed in moderation [up to four 
cups per day].” 

And the good news doesn’t stop there. 
Recent studies suggest that caffeine—the 
primary pharmacological component in 
coffee—is a wonder drug capable of en- 
hancing human performance on several 
levels. Not that coffee drinkers have ever 
nceded guys in lab coats to inform them 
that caffeine increases mental acuity. In 
1587, Sheikh Abd-al-Kadir opined, "No 
one can understand the truth until he 
drinks of сойее 5 frothy goodness." Up- 
on consuming a cup of joe, novelist Hon- 
oré de Balzac said, “Гһе shafts of wit 
start up like sharpshooters." 

Competitive athletes stand to benefit 
from coffee even more. According to ап 
article published in 1994 in The Canadian 
Journal of Applied Physiology, double-blind 
trials showed that well-trained athletes 
ran 44 percent longer before the onset 
of exhaustion, and bicycled 51 percent 
longer, after ingesting a dose of caffeine 
equivalent to three to four cups of strong 
coffee. Regarding short-term exercise (as 


By JON KRAKAUER 


GOOD NEWS FOR 
JAVA JUNKIES 


opposed to endurance), the study indi- 
cated that caffeine increased speed and 
power by as much as ten percent. 

"The process by which coffee works its 
magic on muscle fiber is extremely com- 
plex and poorly understood. It's impor- 
tant to note, however, that caffeine is 
more than just a mood elevator: It has а 
direct effect on the mechanics of muscle 
contraction at the molecular level. It 
doesn't just make you feel faster and 
stronger—the research shows that after 
drinking coffee you actually аге faster 
and stronger. 

Be advised, however, that too much 
caffeine is apt to make you perform 
worse than none at all, especially in 
sports that demand a steady hand and 
fine motor control. 

Even in pure endurance sports such as 
bicycle racing and triathlons, there is 
such a thing as too much of a good thing. 
Studies suggest that a point of diminish- 
ing returms is reached after ingesting 
two to four milligrams of caffeine per 
pound of body weight. The ideal dose of 
caffeine for a 160-pound athlete, then, 
would theoretically be between 320 and 
640 milligrams, approximately the jolt 
provided by two to four cups of dark- 
roast coffee (a six-ounce mug of joe has 
85 10 100 mg, a cup of tea 40, а can of 
Coke 46, Pepsi 35, Mountain Dew 54, a 


chocolate bar 1 to 35, а Vivarin tablet 
200, No Doz 100, Excedrin 65). 

Bear in mind, though. that sensitivity 
to caffeine differs profoundly from one 
individual to the next. My wife, who 
weighs 60 pounds less than I do, can 
drink cup after cup of high-octane coffee 
and feel пагу a buzz. But if I drink a si 
gle cup from the same pot any time after 
three rm., I can forget about getting to 
sleep before three a.m. The only way to 
determine the most effective dose for 
you is through conservative trial and er- 
ror, well in advance of an important ath- 
letic contest. I've found that my ideal 
dose is about 150 mg per day. If 1 con- 
sume much more than that, I turn into a 
wreck, hit the wall early and crash hard. 

Caffeine levels peak in the blood- 
stream 30 to 60 minutes after ingestion 
and stay at high concentrations, on aver- 
age, for four to six hours. However, 
traces of caffeine can remain in the body 
for up to 12 hours, which is why сове 
drinkers sometimes complain of irri- 
tability, anxiety and insomnia long after 
their last cup. A caffeine habit has other 
potential liabilities as well. Reports that 
coffee causes cancer and heart disease 
have turned out to be false alarms, but 
some evidence suggests that caffeine 
leads to increased infertility in women. 
Furthermore, there is concern that preg- 
nant women who drink large amounts of 
coffee may give birth to “caffeine babies” 
who act jittery and agitated, 

Coffee may be both legal and reason- 
ably safe, but it's a potent drug. Dr. 
David Costill of the Human Perfor- 
mance Lab at Ball State University, a pi- 
oneering researcher who studies the re- 
lationship between caffeine and athletic 
performance, told me a decade ago that 
“the difference between amphetamines 
and caffeine is probably only a matter of 
degree.” 

But in the case of caffeine, the price of 
addiction may be worth it. A ten-year 
study performed by Kaiser Permanente 
in northern California suggested that 
people who drank one to three cups of 
coffee a day had a 30 percent lower ri 
of committing suicide than nondrinkers, 
while those who gulped six cups daily 
were 80 percent less likely to kill them- 
selves. Maybe, as one person suggested, 
they were simply too busy to try. 


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МЕМ 


eading the morning news рго- 
grams on November 3, 1994 меге 
interviews with Susan Smith and her es- 
tranged husband. David. As if they had 
cloned themselves and could be in sever- 
al places at once, Susan and David ap- 
red shortly after seven л.м. оп ABC, 
CBS, CNN and NBC, and their pleas 
for the safe return of their two sons, 
Michael, three, and Alex, 14 months, 
touched our hearts. Later that same day, 
our hearts would be touched again —but 
this time by an ice pick. 

For more than а week, Susan Smith 
claimed that on October 25, a black man 
in a knit cap carjacked her 1990 Mazda 
Protege with her and her kids in it. He 
then stuck a gun in her ribs and forced 
her out of the car in her hometown of 
Union, South Carolina. 

“ГИ take care of them," this nonexis- 
tent man supposedly said to Smith just 
before he drove away with the children 
as hostages. Smith ran to a nearby house 
and urged the residents to call the po- 
lice. Soon, pursuit of the fabricated vil- 
lain was on, the national media were 
alerted and the citizens and law enforce- 
ment officers of Union County (as well as 
the FBI and police organizations across 
the country) ordered a thorough search 
ofthe area. 

When questioned by reporters on the 
morning of November 3 about possible 
inconsistencies in the carjacking sce- 
nario, Smith chastised those who voiced 
suspicions. "It hurts to know,” she said as 
she held her husband's hand, "that I 
would be accused or even thought to ever 
do anything to harm my children." 

As we know now, the Smith children 
had been dead for nine days at the time 
their mother made that disavowal on na- 
Чопа! television. According to her con- 
fession, given on the afternoon of No- 
vember 3, Smith killed her sons on 
October 25 when she pushed her car, 
with Michael and Alex still alive and 
strapped into their car seats, down a 
boat ramp and into John D. Long Lake 
near Union, drowning the boys in the 
process. She has been charged with two 
Counts of murder, and no other persons 
will be charged. 

"The shock of these events was evident 
both in South Carolina and across the 
nation. When Union County Sheriff 
Howard Wells announced that Smith 

32 would be arraigned on murder charges, 


By ASA BABER 


PARENTS 
AND VIOLENCE 


there was an audible gasp of disbelief 
from the crowd that had gathered to 
hear his statement. “Bad things just do 
not happen to us here,” said the Rev- 
erend Allen Raines of Union's First Bap- 
tist Church after the news of the confes- 
sion was released. “I can't believe a 
mother would kill her children,” said a 
woman in Union to a TV reporter. And 
in Los Angeles, Michael and Alex's be- 
reaved great-grandmother, Sara Single- 
ton, said in a KNBC-TV interview, “Is 
there ever an explanation for murder? 
Two little children? There is no explana- 
tion for murder." 

Singleton is right, of course. There is 
no explanation for murder, especially 
the murder of children. Certainly no ex- 
planation shrewd enough to allow us to 
prevent all such murders. before they 
happen. But perhaps there is a lesson in 
this double murder. To some people it 
may seem naive or sentimental to search 
for a light in such darkness, but I think 
something good can come out of the 
events in South Carolina—namely, a 
more rational analysis of the nature of 
men and women and their propensity 
for violence toward their own children. 

As any fair-minded person who has 
lived in this culture for the past few 
decades will tell you, there has been a 
constant attack from certain quarters 


concerning masculinity. It is men alone, 
we are told by some people (both men 
and women), who are violent. It is men 
alone who abuse and hit and Kill. It is 
men who need to become more nurtur- 
ing. loving and, yes, more feminine. 
Women, we have been told repeatedly, 
are the compromisers and peacemakers 
and the role models we should follow if 
we want to avoid violence. 

Such claims for female superiority 
may make good political rhetoric, but 
none of that talk can explain the actions 
of Susan Smith as she steered the Mazda 
toward its watery destination. Nor does 
it explain the estimated 700 mothers 
who kill their children each year, or the 
fact that more than half of child abuse is 
committed by mothers against their own 
children. 

None of this is being said to let men off 
the hook or to claim that males are an 
untroubled gender. As any reader of this 
colimn knows, I hold us responsible for 
our actions, and I believe we have real 
problems with aggression. There arc fa- 
thers who abuse and kill their children, 
and I would give anything to change 
that. But the lesson I hope we take away 
from Union, South Carolina is that vio- 
lence is an equal opportunity employer 
when it comes to the question of parents 
and children. It haunts the psyches of 
both men and women. It woos all of us 
throughout our lives, and none of us is 
immune to it. The suggestion that one 
sex is totally peaceful and pure is ridicu- 
lous. It also harms our hope for con- 
structive dialogue between the sexes. 

Whenever I speak on a college cam- 
pus, there is always a question from the 
audience about men and violence, and 
the assumption behind the question is 
that men are violent and women are not. 
Even more frustrating, it is assumed that 
a man who turns violent is the product 
solely of other men (his father, for exam- 
ple) and that the women in his life (his 
mother, for example) could not have 
modeled violence for him. But we are 
learning that mothers сап be role mod- 
els for violence in their own homes and 
with their own children. 

We have a long way to go, men and 
women, before our children will live in 
guaranteed peace and safety. Let's stop 
blaming the opposite sex and claiming 
all virtue for our own. Lct's get together 
and protect our kids at all costs. 


WOMEN 


I "ve been cooking. And people I know 
are flabbergasted. 

"You're our own little Martha Stew- 
art,” says Lynne Ann. 

“It’s scary,” says Cleo. “You're turning 
into a real baleboosteh.” This is a Yiddish 
word that means career housewife, and 
it is obviously the origin for the word 
ball-buster. 

They're teasing me so they can watch 
me squirm and deny my incredible 
chicken soup prowess. They know the 
last thing I want to do is tip the balance. 

1 already have some feminine attri- 
butes. I am massively maternal, nurtur- 
ing everything I see, watching with sheer 
fulfillment as my dogs inhale their kibble 
and broccoli and my cacti grow flowers. 
Plus, I am bad at sports, have big tits and 
bigger hair. And Гуе got lacy curtains. 
So I'm on the edge. 

All I need now is to stop smoking and 
swearing. Maybe wear little heart car- 
rings and a ribbon around my neck. 
Learn to use Woolite. Wear fluffy cm- 
broidered sweaters. Use a pumice stone. 
Know the difference between cologne 
and toilet water (my dogs sure do). Get a 
bikini wax. Get a bikini. 

Iam going to be sick. Feminine means 
marginal. Feminine means childish. Or 
that’s what it feels like when I roll it 
around in my head. 

But what’s wrong with being mater- 
nal, with having big tits and lacy cur- 
tains? Socicty belittles feminine thi 
Macramé and embroidery are foolish 
pastimes; drinking beer and watching 
football arc perfectly groovy. It's a bi 
sult to be told you “throw like a girl.” 
Women wearing men's clothes arc chic, 
men wearing women's clothes make us 
fall on the floor laughing. Being an old 
woman means being fearful and wimpy. 
Being an old man just means being dirty. 

Then there are the things that are des- 
ignated as feminine: Gossip. Cattiness. 
Spending all day in the bathroom get- 
ting your hair right. Obsessions with 
outlits. Excessive phone use. Extreme 
sensitivity. These are not feminine traits, 
these are teenage traits. 

Still, being called feminine is some- 
thing I do not desire. There is more to it 
than potpourri and ankle bracelets. 

Being feminine mcans you always 
smell good, which means you never 
sweat, which means you never exert 
yourself, which means you never go af- 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


1AM 
WOMAN 


ter what you want. You also must smell 
good “down there” or else you'd better 
spray on some of that feminine hygiene 
deodorant, which makes your vagina 
smell like your linen cupboard. It means 
being a lady, holding back, never laugh- 
ing too loud or too long, never making 
off-color jokes, never really making jokes 
at all but giggling demurely at the jokes 
men tell you. It means putting your 
hands on your hips and stamping your 
little high heel-shod feet when you're 
annoyed, a picture of cute helplessness 
It means telling men how big and strong 
they are and letting them have the rc- 
mote control. It means letting the man 
hold the door for you and pay the check 
And if you're good at it, maybe he'll 
throw his coat over rain puddles in your 
path. Never shouting like a fishwife. Gig- 
gling and blushing at improper words or 
advances. Not being good at math or sci- 
ence or even knowing how to change a 
tire, and, let's face it, driving like an id- 
jot. Being feminine means being flus- 
tered casily, not being able to take any 
pressure. It means holding back your 
opinions, always putting others first 
Submiting. Being helpless. Needing 
men to take care of you. Never being 
pushy or aggressive. 

Being feminine means existing only 
with men’s sufferance. Do any men even 


want this anymore? Do any men need 
this kind of simpering behavior to bol- 
ster their egos? Please. Femininity is a 
dinosaur. Fe and being female 
are not interchangeable. Last year at 
Thanksgiving I conducted an impromp- 
tu experiment. Everyone was seated, 
crammed into a small space, all of them 
in deep conversation. You couldn't get 
by people without them scrunching up 
their legs. As I wove through the crowd, 
I would always have to say “excuse me,” 
sometimes twice, to the men. The wom- 
en all saw me in their peripheral vision 
and would tuck their legs back smoothly 
without missing a beat. 

1 don't know what this means. It’s a 
nature versus nurture thing. The nature 
folks would say it has something to do 
with women's right and left brains being 
more connected. The nurture people 
would say that women have had it ham- 
meted into hoth hrains to look our for 
the needs of others. 

1 do know that being female, no mat- 
ter what age, sexual orientation or race, 
is full of such striking small details. 

Being female means being intimate 
with blood. It involves thinking tha! 
more cyclical than linear: believing in 
stars and such, watching flowers bloom 
and dic and bloom again, being terrified 
that the blood has soaked through your 
jeans onto an upholstered armchair. It 
means insecurity: Does he like me? Does 
she like me? What does it mean when he 
says this? Why won't she say that? How 
can I look prettier? Why is my hair the 
only hair in the world that never looks 
good? Being female means defensive- 
ness as a way of life: When wearing a 
skirt always keep your legs together un- 
less you are Sharon Stone making a 
movie. Do not invite strangers into your 
home. Do not go walking in the park or 
anywhere at night alone. Being female 
means being fiercely protective: Fuck 
with my husband, my children, my ani- 
mals, my plants, my house or my new 
shoes and I will rip your head right off 
your body. 

Being female means coping with this 
insane life, always taking into account 
the gorgeously absurd accessories God 
or evolution gave us. 

Being female is a bitch. 


33 


- 


т гипо моли uie mane e Е 
демо РВ а COMO UATE, СО ORT, MAMI HON ALEA 


Kun Мм. ұя 
д 
м] j LR 


ж” 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


White vacationing in New York I visit- 
ed several wineries. At one, an attractive 
steward with whom I'd been flirting for 
most of the tour motioned me into a 
room off the cellar, shut the door and be- 
gan to kiss me. Before long we were both 
disrobing and she was opening one of 
the bottles. After some heavy petting and 
swigs of the vintage, she took the bottle 
from me and poured the wine over her 
soft, naked body. As I excitedly licked it 
off her breasts and tummy, she asked me 
to slip the neck of the empty bottle inside 
her. Naturally, I obliged, then finished 
with my cock. It was the craziest thing 
that’s ever happened to те. My question 
is this: Is it possible for a woman to con- 
tract a yeast infection from wine?—H.S., 
Akron, Ohio. 

A woman pulls you into a wine cellar, 
sheds her clothes, pours wine all over her- 
self, then invites you to become a human 
corkscrew—and you decide to play Dr. 
dare? When you kiss during a ski weekend, 
do you worry about chapped lips? There are 
other concerns you didn't address: Was the 
lead seal completely removed? Any remnants 
of the cork? Was the wine properly aged? Al- 
though the alcohol found in a good red might 
have dried out her vaginal membranes, we 
doubt they could do much harm beyond the 
slight chance of upsetting her pH balance, 
edi might facilitate a yeast infection. We 
wouldn't make a habit of fucking in the cel- 
lar. Then again, if you did, it wouldn't be so 
exciting. 


Нар: 1 bought a modem for шу com- 
puter so I'd be able to pick up ladies on- 
line. But I keep striking out. Whar's the 
secre? —M.R., Takoma Park, Maryland. 

You're not alone. Relatively few women 
hang out on-line, so they can afford to be 
choosy. You didn't explain your method, but 
sincerity and skillful wordplay seem to earn 
points faster than come-ons such as “What 
color is your bra?" Make a good first impres- 
sion, then take things slowly. Offer your 
phone number before pressing for hers, and 
don't push for steamier exchanges after only 
а few minutes of introductory chat. Gauge 
her responses carefully. Many women on-line 
are actually bored teenagers or lonely men 
(two clues to exposing this type: Your on-line 
partner. responds enthusiastically when you 
talk dirty before the proper introductions, or 
"she" volunteers her measurements). When 
the hot апа heavy typing does begin, be de- 
scriptive and ask questions to find out what 
turns her on, She may be testing you; some 
women view cybersex аз a dress rehearsal for 
the real thing. 


А new car dealership opened in my 
neighborhood. I was surprised to see 
that the lot is already full of used cars. 


They couldn't possibly be trade-ins. One 
of the salesmen said that the dealer buys 
used cars at auction. Are these open to 
the public?—ED., Baltimore, Maryland. 

Forget the little old lady from Pasadena. 
Used-car auctions are big business, and in 
most cases you must be a dealer to attend and 
bid at a wholesale auto auction. Aulo manu- 
facturers and rental-car companies use the 
auctions to зей excess and used-fleet (also 
known as program-car) inventory, and limit 
some auclions to dealers for a particular 
make. Many foreign dealers now travel to 
the U.S. to buy vehicles (passenger cars reg- 
ularly rank as Florida's number one export). 
Some auctioneers have begun to offer a num- 
ber of vintage cars in special sales open to 
the public. Check the ads in auto magazines. 


love to masturbate my husband. I have 
him bend over the edge of the bed with 
his legs spread, then I use my right hand 
to massage his cock and my left hand to 
fondle his balls while I slide my thumb 
into his anus. I love to watch the 
writhing motion of his body, and he says 
he feels like he’s being manhandled by 
three women at once. We can do this for 
a half hour, an hour, you name it. When 
we fuck, however, he lasts only two min- 
utes, What gives?—J.S., Miami, Florida. 

You've learned the first law of sexual dy- 
namics: All sex acts do not have equal and 
opposite reactions. When you masturbate 
your husband, he has no responsibilities. 
During intercourse, the duties and perfor- 
mance anxieties shift. Next time, use your 
hands before and during intercourse lo 
maintain some control, to set а rhythm, 10 
distract him. (Your hands won't be able 
10 compete with your vagina, which nature 
designed for maximum pleasure—bul you 


ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN HOFFNAN 


сап try.) Unless you're particularly gentle 
during your long stroke sessions, or you're 
using massage oils or other lubricants, your 
husband's pleasure may be interrupted fre- 
quently by unintended pinches, yanks or 
quick starts and stops. 


Thm in my late 20sand very much in love 
with my fiancée. On the day I asked her 
to marry me, howcver, I ran into an 18- 
year-old cousin of mine whom 1 hadn't 
seen in several years. 1 have always 
thought she was attractive, and while we 
were eating together at a restaurant I 
was surprised to find myself having fan- 
tasies about her. Is it OK to lust after 
my cousin? Am I cheating on my fiancée 
by having such thoughts? —M.M., Dal- 
las, Texas. 

There's nothing like betrothal to bring out 
the babes. It’s not cheating—it's a cosmic 
joke. It’s not unusual to lust after someone as 
close in relation as a cousin—many first 
cousins fall in love and marry. And fantasies 
about women you find appealing are every- 
day occurrences. If you see her again, go in- 
to the bathroom and recite John Travolta’s 
mantra from “Pulp Fiction": "You're gonna 
go out there, drink your drink, say "Good- 
night, Гус had a very lovely evening," go 
home and jack off And that’s all you're 
gonna do.” 


Teil me: Is there a science to the lacing 
of running shoes? The last pair of sneak- 
ers I bought had so many holes that I 
couldn't possibly use all of them and still 
get my feet into the damn things.—G.E., 
Chicago, Illin 

The extra lace holes allow you to custom- 
fit an athletic shoe. Does your shoe have al- 
ternate holes—some close to the tongue, some 
farther away? A person with wide feet should 
use the holes closest to the tongue; a person 
with narrow feet should lace the outer row. 
Try skipping holes if a bump or high arch on 
your foot causes problems. Some athletes use 
two laces per shoe—tying off the extra one 
down by the toes. The setup gives indepen- 
dent control over heel aud Sal tightness. 
There are also suggested riggings for heel 
problems and toe problems. Ask your shoe 
salesman to show you the ropes. 


МІ, husband has always been interest- 
ed in anal sex. We tried ita year ago and 
1 found it painful and unpleasant. My 
husband, on the other hand, says his de- 
sire increases the more I refuse, and that 
by practicing, ГЇЇ enjoy it more. I say 
there are plenty of other sexual adven- 
tures we can try, and that we don't need 
to concentrate on the one thing in our 
11-уеаг relationship that I haven't en- 
јоуса. Am I being prudish and unsports- 
manlike?—L.A., Danbury, Connecticut. 


35 


PLAT SE 8 F 


We like your openness about experiment- 
ing, and prudish and unsportsmanlihe 
aren't words we'd use to describe your reac- 
tion. But trying something once doesn't 
count if it was done wrong the first time. If 
you're willing, ask your husband to work 
slowly, using plenty of lubricant and starting 
with something smaller, such as a finger, 
before he attempts full penetration. That 
doesn't all have to happen in one lovemak- 
ing session, either: 


On a recent business trip, I hired а 
personal dancer who came to my hotel 
room and put on a terrific show. At the 
start of her performance, however, she 
explained that any contact between us 
would be illegal. She repeated this every 
few minutes as she massaged my knees, 
then my thighs, then my cock. While 
running her breasts over my chest, she 
smiled and said, “There is no contact.” Is 
my definition of contact different from 
most, or was she just an upstanding 
citizen after a bigger tip?—A.T., St. 
Louis, Missouri. 

Sounds to us like she was a pro—in the 
best sense of the word. Maybe this was а legal 
maneuver. If you were a cop wearing a wire, 
her statements could help her in court. Be- 
cause you're not а cop, her technique became 
а simple but classic way to turn you on. 
There's nothing like talking clean while do- 
ing the down and dirty. 


A svisan in one of my classes really ас 
tracts me. Sometimes when I walk by 
her, 1 notice her looking at my crotch. I 
also notice that she always starts playing 
with her hair. She runs her fingers 
through it, tosses it to one side and flips 
it. Does that mean she wants me to ask 
her out?—A.B., Freedom, California. 

Armchair sexologists have long theorized 
that women who flip their hair or chew on 
pencils are eager to have sex with whatever 
man happens to be nearby. That's true—if 
the woman is naked and in bed with you. We 
doubt your classmate is staring at your 
crotch (more likely she’s just shy and avoid- 
ing eye contact) and it’s difficult to say what 
the hair flipping means. Watch from afar 
and observe how she interacts with other 
men; it could be just a nervous habit. 


The other night my wife told me that 
she misses the passion I used to show in 
our kissing when we were dating. Is 
there any way to put a little more steam 
into our everyday kisses?—C.R., Grand 
Haven, Michigan 

William Cane, in his recently revised book 
“The Art of Kissing" (St. Martin's), suggests 
“the secret of erotic kissing із to make each 
and every kiss feel like a first.” To that end, 
imagine your lover as a stranger you're 
meeting for the first time. Or try an upside- 
down kiss, the Butterfly Kiss (flutter your 
eyelashes against your partner's cheek before 
offering a teasing kiss) or vur favorite, the 


36 Electric Kiss, in which you turn off the 


lights, rub your stocking feet on a rug and 
make sure your lips are the first parts of your 
bodies to touch. The results are shocking. 


AAtthough we had what 1 thought was a 
good relationship, my wife left me. Our 
sex life was not always the best, but I at- 
tributed the problems we had to stress. 
Id like to repair the marriage. Do you 
think therapy would help?—C.S,, Santa 
Barbara, California. 

You're assuming your wife wants to save 
Ше marriage as much as you do. Write her a 
short, straightforward note expressing your 
desire to get joint counseling, and check with 
her family and friends to sec how serious she 
is about the split. At the very least, counsel- 
ing might make the divorce more amicable. 


T love performing oral sex on my girl- 
friends. The problem is, I have a short 
tongue. After years of practice, 1 have 
learned to compensate with technique 
and enthusiasm, but after fairly long ses- 
sions, my tongue hurts. I've heard that 
you can have the tiny piece of skin on the 
underside of your tongue cut to give 
more extension. Is that true? Is it safe?— 
R.T, Pasadena, California. 

Excising the membrane that keeps your 
tongue from flopping around—a procedure 
known as frenectomy—has no practical ad- 
vantage for adults beyond making it casier to 
get peanut butter of] the roof of your mouth. 
You probably have а short frenulum, which 
might make you tire more easily during oral 
sex. But since most women prefer gentle teas- 
ing of the outer lips of the vagina, and indi- 
rect clitoral pressure, rather than penetra- 
tion, your lovers aren't likely to be concerned 
with how far you extend your tongue. 


On а camping trip in Iowa, my friends 
insisted on traveling into Minnesota to 
buy “strong” beer. Does the alcohol con- 
tent of beer differ among states?—T.M., 
Cedar Rapids, Iowa. 

Surprisingly, each state decides what is 
and isn't beer, and about half set no restric- 
tions on how much alcohol brews can con- 
tain. Beer makers have been prohibited from 
listing alcohol content on their products 
since just afler Prohibition. Intended to pre- 
vent “strength wars,” the law has been chal- 
lenged by Coors in а case that reached the 
Supreme Court this past winter. But don't 
expect any revelations if Coors wins: While 
some domestic aud imported brews boast 
higher alcohol contents (Samuel Adams 
le Bock has 17 percent, the German 
EKU Kulminator 28 contains 13.5), most 
hover closer to four or five percent. 


For years my father and I have been 
debating whether wearing a dress shi 
unbuttoned and hanging out of one’s 
waistband is slovenly behavior. I say it's 
acceptable if you're in a relaxed environ- 
ment, but my father believes it is never 
appropriate. Are there any guidelines 
for this?—C.C., Buffalo, New York. 


Father knows best. Unless you're after the 
grunge look, your shirttail should. never 
hang over your belt. if you're relaxing, hang 
your dress shirts in the closet. 


Last night my girlfriend tied me to the 
bed and had her way with me. When I 
got to work this morning, the rope burns 
on my wrists caused quite a discussion 
around the coffee station. Is there any 
way to prevent the burns? She wants to 
do it again, but I'd like to be spared the 
office gossip.—G.L., Boise, Idaho. 

Short of smearing your wrists with petro- 
leum jelly and buying your dress shirts a size 
too large? Bring out less abrasive restrainis 
(try scarves, neckties or the belts from your 
robes), then ask your lover to tie you in such 
а way thal your arms aren't supporting any 
weight. You'll get the hang of it. 


Vc noticed that airlines are starting to 
enforce a two-bag carry-on limit. Both 
bags have to fit in a 50-inch box. But my 
experience with my laptop computer 
leaves me baffled—some airlines treat it 
as one of the two carryons, others treat it 
the way they treat cameras or purses.— 
E.K., Los Angeles, California. 

The cirlines are divided on laptops. Con- 
tinental, Delta and United treat them as one 
of your two pieces of carry-on luggage; 
American and USAir do not. The best tactic: 
Carry a large nylon bag that can hold your 
clothes and the laptop. (There's an added ad- 
vantage in that you don't broadcast the pres- 
ence of the laptop to potential thieves.) Once 
on board, stash ihe soft stuff and boot up. 


Here's my problem: I have a new lover 
who says he can't have multiple orgasms 
Га like to help him, but I don’t know 
how. Do you have any suggestions to 
coax a single-orgasm man into multiple 
orgasms?—H.T., Phoenix, Arizona. 

The key may be to prevent ejaculation but 
still allow your lover to have an orgasm 
(they're separate entities, and a squirtless 
‚finish is sometimes more intense than a messy 
one). He should then be able to maintain his 
erection without rest. Many men have 
learned to have multiple orgasms by control- 
ling their pubococcygeus muscle, which runs 
(рот the pubic bone to the tailbone and con- 
trols ejaculation. Basically, the technique is 
(0 squeeze hard and breathe deep. Barbara 
Keesling's “How to Make Love All Night” 
(HarperCollins) offers specific exercises. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing problems, taste and eliquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all 
letters to The Playboy Advisor, рї ЛҰВОУ, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. (E-mail: advisor@playboy.com.) 
The most provocative, pertinent queries will 
бе presented in these pages each month. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


UNCLE SCAM WANTS YOU 


could you be set up by the government to commit a crime? 


It began with an act of generosity. 
Jennifer Skarie, a 41-year-old mother 
of three, let one of her ex-husband's 
relatives, John Byrd, move onto her 
ranch in Valley Center, California in 
late 1988. She became alarmed, how- 
ever, when he used methampheta- 
mine in her house and pressured her 
to put him in touch with people who 
would sell him drugs. Then, accord- 
ing to the subsequent court record, 
"He began to make sexual ad- 


believes putting а person in contact 
with another person to purchase an 
illegal substance is a worse crime than 
killing animals and threatening to 
kidnap children. 

Its called entrapment, and it has 
been the subject of debate in the 
courts for decades. It is also the wea- 
pon of choice in the war on drugs. 

Fortunately, a federal appeals court. 
overturned the Skarie conviction, but 


entrapment epitomizes the wiumph 
of a “body count" approach to law 
enforcement. Some politicians have 
sought to justify entrapment as a nec- 
essary response to the crime wave in 
recent years. Thus, the more govern- 
ment fails to prevent crime, the more 
power it should have to violate peo- 
ple's constitutional rights—the worse 
that police fail, the more power 
they deserve. 

Up until the early Seventies, 


vances toward her and the 
women living with her. Byrd was 
a violent person who threatened 
others regularly and was usually 
armed, even in the house.” 
Skarie finally evicted him. 
“Byrd reacted violently to being 
thrown out,” the court noted, 
“and made a variety of threats 
against Jennifer Skarie. In Feb- 
ruary 1989, he asked Skarie to 
put him in touch with some peo- 
ple who could sell him drugs. 
Skarie demurred. Byrd contin- 
ued to pressure her; he would 
call as often as ten times a day 
and would often come by 
Skarie's house uninvited. Byrd 
also threatened Skarie and oth- 
er members of the household. 
He impaled one of her chickens 
оп a stick and left it outside her 
back door. He later stated that 
what had happened to the 
chicken could happen to people 
as well. He told Skarie that it 
would be easy to slit the throats 
of her horses, and he threat- 
ened to kidnap her six-year-old 
son, ‘so that you will never see 


defendants often successfully 
challenged entrapment as a vio- 
lation of due process. But in 
1973, the Supreme Court, in an 
opinion written by Chief Justice 
William Rehnquist, gutted most 
defenses against government 
entrapment by focusing almost 
solely on the “subjective disposi- 
tion” of the entrapped person. 
If prosecutors can find any 
inkling of a defendant's disposi- 
tion to the crime, went Rehn- 
quist's logic, then the person is 
guilty, no matter how outra- 
geous or abusive the govern- 
ment agents’ behavior. Justice 
William Brennan dissented, 
warning that the decision could 
empower law enforcement 
agents to “round up and jail all 
‘predisposed’ individuals.” 

In Los Angeles, police officers 
went undercover to pose as high 
school students in order to im- 
plore other students to buy 
drugs for them. The kids who 

, did were arrested, expelled and 
{ permanently denied federal col- 
lege loans. 


him again.” 

Skarie finally relented and ar- 
ranged for him to buy methampheta- 
mine from a person she knew. As 
soon as the sale was completed, she 
was arrested for possession of nar- 
cotics with intent to distribute. The 
relative turned out to be an under- 
cover government drug agent. 

After a vigorous federal prosccu- 
tion, Skarie was sentenced to ten 
years in prison without parole. The 
U.S. Justice Department apparently 


the case illustrates the zeal with whi 
the government pushes the definition 
of lawful entrapment. 

Entrapment schemes have prolifer- 
ated partly because it is easier to man- 
ufacture crime than to protect private 
citizens. Such schemes wreck people's 
lives in order to boost arrest statistics; 


By JAMES BOVARD 


‘The American Civil Liberties 
Union complained; “When other 
adults try to get young people in- 
volved with drugs, we call it con- 
tributing to the delinquency of a mi- 
nor. When the LAPD docs it, we call it 
the school-buy program.” 

When the ACLU sued the San 
Diego police to put an end to similar 
undercover operations, Gregory Mar- 
shall of the ACLU put the practice in- 
to perspective: “Anybody would be 
outraged if they learned that the 


37 


38 


| ос со 


co-worker at the next desk or the 
shortstop on the softball team turned 
out to be a police spy. Obviously, the 
schools are not the place for secret po- 
lice undercover operations." 

In late 1992 and in 1993, New Jersey 
school systems were compclled by the 
state attorney general's office to autho- 
rizc police undercover operations 
(called school zone narcotics enforce- 
ment working groups), despite the 
strong objections of some school 


officials. 
. 


Іп 1928, Justice Louis Brandeis saw 
a simple distinction between fair law 
enforcement and the abuse of power. 
"The government may set decoys to 
entrap criminals," he wrote. "But it 
may not provoke or create a crime and 
then punish the criminal, its creature." 
Some decoy operations are laughable 
but efficient. Іп Michigan, policemen 
have dressed in street clothes, loitered 
in areas known for drug activity and 
then arrested. those who asked to 
buy drugs. Predisposed? Yes. Stupid? 
You bet. 

The drug trade is driven by profits— 
profits that exist largely because of fed- 
eral efforts to suppress the drug trade 
(some argue that thc law crcatcs thc 
profit). Greed is a human enough рге- 
disposition, but it doesn't make you a 
criminal. What happens when the gov- 
ernment gives itself license to manipu- 
late citizens? Most Americans have no 
direct contact with drug lords—so the 
government has stepped іп to rectify 
that lost opportu Federal drug 
officials have enticed individuals to ac- 
cept government money and a govern- 
ment-supplied airplane to fly to Co- 
lombia to pick up cocaine; when the 
person returns, he is busted. A rare oc- 
currence? Unfortunately, no. “Con- 
trolled deliveries” accounted for more 
than half of all the cocaine seized in 
south Florida in the late Fighties. 

Such volume raises the question: 
weren't for Unde Sam, exactly how big 
would the drug epidemic be? 

When you pay freelance operatives 
or government employees to become 
junior G-men, you create bullies and 
bureaucrats whose sole goal is to cre- 
ate new business. And, in a delicious 
twist, some of the victims are Uncle 
Sam's own employees. The Postal Inspec- 
tion Service has specialized in sting 
schemes. In Minneapolis, one under- 
cover inspector took advantage of a 
mail sorter's depression about his 
wife's recent death from brain cancer 
to ply him with marijuana—and then 
got him arrested and fired. 


In Cleveland, 20 postal workers were 
fired because of the falsc information 
provided by informants, many of 
whom stole government funds. Postal 
inspectors nationwide һауе encour- 
aged abusive entrapment schemes be- 
cause the Postal Service gave them cash 
bonuses based on the numbers of busts 
of employees—a “dollars for collars” 
program. In May 1994 Congressman 
William Clay, then chairman of the 
House Post Office and Civil Service 
Committee, declared: “These are the 
kinds of activities—illegal as hell—that 
the Postal Inspection Service has been 
involved with for the past ten years.” 

Clearer heads have seen the wrong- 
ness of entrapment. In a 1966 dissent, 
Justice William Douglas warned, “En- 
trapment is merely a facet of a much 


ј UZIESSU ҰРА, 


"Anybody would 


be outraged if 
they learned 
that the 
co-worker at the 
next desk turned 
ош to be 


a police spy." 


broader problem. Together with illegal 
searches and seizures, coerced confes- 
sions, wiretapping and bugging, it rep- 
resents lawless invasion of privacy. It is 
indicative of a philosophy that the end 
justifies the means." 

For Douglas the government does 
not belong in the bedroom—for any 
reason. Unfortunately, his view has not 
prevailed. In 1987. a federal appea 
court sanctioned the government use 
of sex in order to persuade people to 


break the law: “The deceptive creation 
and/or exploitation of an intimate re- 
lationship does not exceed the bound- 
ary of permissible law enforcement 
tactics.” 

What happens when cops go looking 
for love in all the wrong places? 

In the Los Angeles school-buy pro- 
gram, a female undercover police of- 
ficer had a relationship with a 17-year- 
old high school football player whom 
she constantly begged for information 
about where she could get drugs. He 
tried to get her to seek counseling; she 
wrote him sexually explicit letters. Не 
may have had a predisposition—but it 
wasn't for drugs. When he finally 
arranged a buy, the love of his life 
turned him in. In the glare of publicity, 
the agent’s superiors refused to prose- 
cute—finding her methods question- 
able. This government-sponsored sex 
ed provoked considerable outrage. 

Raymond Harrington, a judge in 
Nassau County, New York, dismissed 
charges in 1993 against a teacher who 
had fallen prey to an undercover cop 
who became her best friend, her 
confidant and her business manager. 
He eventually enticed her into making 
a few small cocaine buys and then 
threatened to ruin her life unless she 
became an informant against a motor- 
cycle gang. Her lawyer observed: “Тһе 
police chose to try to terrorize her into 
agreeing to help them." 

The proliferation of entrapment 
represents the triumph of an authori- 
tarian concept of justice — as if govern- 
ment should be allowed to do anything 
it chooses to catch anyone it thinks 
might be a criminal. As Сай Greaney 
wrote in 1992 in the Notre Dame Law 
Review, "With cach case, it appears that 
the line of intolerable police conduct 
is being pushed further toward the 
outlandish." 

"The U.S. should take a lesson from 
new democracies such as Poland and 
the Czech Republic, both of which have 
banned almost all types of entrapment 
schemes. At a minimum, Americans 
called to jury duty should stand up for 
moral principle and refuse to convict 
their fellow citizens snared by govern- 
ment misconduct. Principled juries 
that refused to convict helped bring an 
end to Prohibition, and the same stand 
against tyrannical tactics can once 
again force politicians and police to lis- 
ten to the people. 


James Bovard is author of "Lost Rights 
The Destruction of American Liberty.” 


Last spring the ра- 
pers were full of ed- 
itorials that warned 
about the dangers 
of pedophiles lurking in 
cyberspace. The new me- 
dium gives creeps com- 
plete anonymity. Predators. 
can cruise chat rooms looking for in- 
nocent kids with confused notions of 
sexuality. They can explore the tar- 
get-rich bulletin boards on America 
Online, Prodigy, Compuserve and 
Genie, then pull unsuspecting youths 
into the dark shadows of e-mail, ply 
them with porn, set up meetings and 
work their magic. 

In reality, cyberspace has created a 
unique tool for proactive law enforce- 
ment. Or so say the police. 

“You can't hang a 14- 
year-old out as a goat and 
wait for the pedophiles to 
pounce,” says Doug Reh- 
man, an agent in the 
Florida Department of 
Law Enforcement. “But in 
cyberspace you can pre- 
tend to be 12 or 20 years 
old, male or female, gay or 
suaiglt. The same anu- 
nymity that protects the 
pedophile also protects the 
police.” 

Last year, a concerned 
citizen called the police to 
tell them that pedophiles 
were cruising the chat 
rooms on America Online. 

Rehman was assigned to 
investigate the charge. He 
logged on as a 14-year-old 
boy and had no trouble 
carrying off the ruse. He 
talked about personal 
problems, about battling 
authority, about the difh- 
cult transitions of adoles- 
cence. Soon he was talking 
with a man who signed on 
as Coach NH. Within min- 
utes, the new friend was 
making sexual overtures, sending 
GIFs (computer images) of porn— 
images of adult porn, child porn, 
young men engaged in sex. 

Subsequent conversations were 
more sexually explicit. Coach NH 
said that he would like to visit and de- 
scribed in lurid detail what he wanted 
to have happen. 

Then he got оп а plane. 

Instead of finding a 14-year-old 
boy eager to experience homosexual- 


ON-LINE PEDOPHILES 


ity. Coach NH, a.k.a. Donald Harvey, 
found a team of police at the airport. 
They arrested him on two counts of 
attempted lewd and lascivious acts 
with a minor, two counts of solicita- 
tion to commit lewd and lascivious 
acts and one count each of attempted 
intercourse with a chaste minor and 
solicitation. Federal agents later add- 
ed their own charges. 

A school textbook salesman, Har- 


vey had never been arrested for mo- 
lesting a youth in his hometown, ac- 
cording to police there. The fantasy 
he found in cyberspace was enough 
to draw him clear across the country. 

“It wasn't a crime until he got up 
from the computer,” says Rehman, 
aware of the difference between talk 
and action. Rehman's case seems a 
clear-cut example of the successful 
use of a decoy. But not all cybercops 
are so restrained. 


In 1989 San Jose, 
California police 
began a dialogue 
with Dean Ashley 


when the cops go after cybercreeps, do Lambey. a self-professed 
we want them to bend the law? 


pedophile who spoke 
fondly of sex with 8- to 13- 
year-old boys. He intro- 
duced his pen pals to Daniel Depew, 
an acquaintance who was into S&M. 
This strange chat group wove a fan- 
tasy about kidnapping a youth and 
making sexually explicit videos. 

The undercover agents posed as 
Mafia types looking to make a snuff 
movie. At the height of the investiga- 
tion, Lambey and Depew were play- 
ing to an audience ofa hundred or so 
FBI agents and Henry Hudson, the 

US. district attorney who 
headed the Meese Com- 
mission. Around-the-clock 
surveillance was expensive 
but necessary. When 
you've planted the idea of 
making a snuff movie, you 
have to guard against 
someone acting on your 
order. Agents arranged 
meetings with Depew and 
Lambey in motel rooms in 
Virginia, at which the 
agents and suspects dis- 
cussed what it might be 
like to kidnap someone, 
torture and film the victim 
for two weeks, then com- 
mit a murder. No victim 
was ever targeted, yet the 
two were arrested and 
tried for conspiracy to 
commit murder. They 
each received a sentence of 
more than 30 years. 

No kids, no crime. A 
government obsessed with 
the idea of snuff films. The 
case troubled an appeals 
judge who wrote: “Even to 
talk of such awful crimes is 
abhorrent, but the extent 

of what occurred was just that, talk. If 
a defendant—instead of talking about. 
kidnapping his intended victim— 
conspires to murder him, attempts to 
murder him and inflicts permanent 
or life-threatening injuries, his [sen- 
tence] would nevertheless be striking- 
ly lower." 

And if Uncle Sam had not been on 
the other end of the computer, there 
would never have been talk of a 
crime. —JAMES R. PETERSEN 


39 


40 


THE STING 

It's cases like the one covered 
"The Postman Always Stings 
Twice” (The Playboy Forum, De- 
cember) that caused me to shut 
down my adult-oriented bul- 
letin board service. Many mem- 
bers of the jury that convicted 
Robert and Carleen Thomas of 
transporting computer porn 
were computer illiterate. The 
way information is transmitted 
across computer systems is mis- 
understood. One system may 
act as а distribution point for 
material that is deemed illegal 
without the operator even 
knoving it is there. This elec- 
tronic mail message alone 
could travel through a couple 
dozen computers before reach- 
ing PLAYBOY. If I were to send а 
picture of a come shot along 
with it, should we charge the 
owners of all those computers 

with obscenity? 

Bob White 

Denver. Colorado 
Don't put it past the antiporn 
crusaders of the Postal Service. The 
question of community standards 
really has no bearing in cyberspace, 
where information is transmitted 
globally in a single keystroke. For 
their part in the supposed transmis- 
sion of obscene material, Robert 
and Carleen Thomas drew sen- 
tences of three years and two and a 
half years, respectively (to be served 
in full, thanks to federal sentencing. 
guidelines), and their computer 


FOR THE RECORD 


NOT WERE, MISTER 


“A person commits the crime of sexual mis- 
conduct in the first degree if he has deviate sex- 
ual intercourse with another person of the same 
sex, or he purposely subjects another person to 
sexual contact or engages in conduct which 
would constitute sexual contact except that the 
touching occurs through the clothing without 
that person's consent.” 
—MISSOURI SENATE BILL 693, SEC. 566.090, DRAFTED 

TO CLARIFY SEX-RELATED ACTIONS PUNISHABLE 

BY LAW, THE STRANGELY WORDED LEGISLATION 

LEFT PUNDITS AND POLITICIANS WONDERING IF 

THE SHOW ME STATE REALLY INTENDED TO OUT- 


LAW SEX ALTOGETHER 


to injury, the pictures (of adults 
having sex) were deemed ob- 
scene not by community stan- 
dards, as the Supreme Court 
requires, but by the sole stan- 
dards of a circuit court judge. 
Clearly, we're on a one-way trip 
to censorship hell. 

Топу Braden 

Jacksonville, Florida. 


Because PLAYBOY is interested 
in such matters, I thought I 
would let you know about the 
following announcement post- 
ed on the Carnegie Mellon bul- 
letin board: 

"During the next few days, 
the university will be withdraw- 
ing some international bulletin 
boards from the public com- 
puter systems. The university's 
policy is to mount a wide range 
of bulletin boards for the com- 
munity. with no monitoring of 
their content. However, Penn- 
sylvania law prohibits us from 
monnting bulletin boards that 
are known to distribute sexual- 
ly explicit or obscene material. 
It is against the law for anybody 
to knowingly distribute sexual- 
ly explicit materials to people 
under the age of 18, or obscene 
materials to people of any age. 
Issues of free speech are always 
important to a university. The 
only criterion that will be used 
10 withdraw a bulletin board is 
that the purpose for which it 
was established or its primary 


equipment was seized. The Thomas 

case was Ihe first 10 bring charges іп the 
place where material was received rather 
than originated, but it won't be the govern- 
ment's last attempt to subvert the Constitu- 
tion via modem. 


Гуе never subscribed to Amateur Ас- 
tion because I don't patronize pay bul- 
letin boards and the subject matter 
doesn't appeal to me. That doesnt 
mean, however, that I feel the wonder- 
ful (overzealous), watchful (paranoid) 
and patriotic (self-righteous, glory- 
hounding) David Dirmeyer did a good 
job. This reminds me of cases in which 
а government agency advertises child 
pornography in some less-than-rep- 
utable magazines in an effort to catch 
purveyors. Answer the ad, go to jail 
The case against the Thomases is a joke 


that never should have gotten as far as 
it did. 

James Mulligan 

Luna City ВВ5 

Mountain View, California 


The Memphis case has spawned a 
number of copycat computer busts. 
Police arrested an operator in Jack- 
sonville, Florida on charges of selling 
or submitting obscene material via a 
bulletin board. It was the first time lo- 
cal police had busted a computer bul- 
letin board service, and the cops admit- 
ted it was to make their presence 
known. The kicker in this case is that 
the material on the service was submit- 
ted not only by the operator but also by 
subscribers who signed forms indicat- 
ing that they were adults. To add insult 


use makes mounting it illegal. 
Because the university does not moni- 
tor bulletin boards, there is always a 
chance of sexually explicit material be- 
ing posted on other bulletin boards. If 
reports are received of such materials, 
they will be handled оп a case-by-case 
basis." 
The college then removed the fol- 
lowing usenet groups: 
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica 
alt binaries.pictures.erotica* 
alt binaries. pictures.tasteless 
altsex 
altsex.* 
rec arts.erotica.* 
Henry Schmitt. 
Electrical and Computer 
Engineering Department 
Carnegie Mellon University 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


R E 


P O 


COURIER PROFILES 

James Bovard's excellent article on 
drug-courier profiles (The Playboy Fo- 
rum, November) points to a serious 
consequence of this nation's ill-advised 
crusade against drugs. The entire рор- 
ulation suffers a serious loss of civil 
rights in order to prevent a small per- 
centage from voluntarily polluting 
their own bodies. Unfortunately, since 
the innotents deprived of their rights 
are diffuse and unorganized, it seems 
likely, as Bovard points out, that the 
current abuses will become far more 
widespread before we as a nation real- 
ize our error. It will be much more dif- 
ficult to reverse the tide at that point. 
Marlene Cercl 

Davis, California 


PAUL HILL 

The blond, pleasant-faced man 
looked carefully at my name tag and 
then said to me, "Doctor Stover, how 
would you like to have your arms and 
legs pulled off your body, the way you 
do to babies?" This was posed to me 
while I was in Pensacola last March for 
the memorial services of Dr. David 
Cunn. It was my chilling introduction 
to Paul Hill. Over the next 24 hours, he 
and his fellow zealots followed us to the 
site of the murder—carrying signs ad- 
vocating the killing of more abortion 
providers—and demonstrated as we 
conducted the memorial service. I re- 
turned home convinced that the mur- 
der of Dr. Gunn was not an isolated 
event, that other physicians and proba- 
bly clinic workers and maybe patients 
seeking abortions will be killed by these 
religious terrorists. Dr. John Britton 
and his clinic escort, James Barrett, 
were next. As long as we have the 
Catholic Church and its Protestant fun- 
damentalist brethren exhorting im- 
pressionable congregations to terror- 
ism, these murders will continue. The 
15-foot banner that we erect in front of 
our clinic whenever these “Christian 
soldiers” attempt a blockade says it all: 
JESUS, PROTECT US FROM YOUR FOLLOWERS. 

Dr. Curtis Stover 

Little Rock Family Planning Services 

Little Rock, Arkansas 


It took a jury 1200 seconds to convict 
and 240 minutes to sentence to death 
a man who elected to commit cold- 
blooded murder in the name of life. 
Why did the jury act with such dis- 
patch? Because Americans are fed up 


with the arrogance of terrorists and 
miscreants. A curious feature of zeal- 
опу is that it normally accompanies 
personal dysfunction and hypocrisy, 
not to mention sociopathic behavior. 
The indelible images of Phyllis Schlafly, 
Jimmy Swaggart and the now immor- 
talized Bakkers confirm that it is always 
easier to look outward for devils rather 
than confront those in one's own yard. 

Brian Finkel 

Metro Phoenix Women’s Genter 

Phoenix, Arizona 


After they bomb all the clinics, kill all 
the doctors and burn all the books and 
theaters, what's to stop "God's war- 
riors” from taking action against those 
churches that don't meet their defini- 
tion of Christian? A local Christian ra- 
dio station recently aired discussions 
about a boycott of businesses owned by 
members of a certain religious denom- 
ination that didn't meet the station's 
approval. We should remember that. 
the Puritans hanged Quakers, and 
there was once a group that advocated 
the death penalty for anyone missing 
church three Sundays in a row. 

B.W. Overn 
Santa Ana, California 


NO-KNOCK RAIDS 
James Bovard's 
"Oops—You're Dead" 
(The Playboy Forum, 
December) crystallizes 
every American's 
worst fear. It also sup- 
ports what I have said 
to my disbelieving 
friends and family for 
several years: The 
U.S. government is 
unfazed by the ог 
nary citizen's right to 
privacy. Perhaps now, 
with the Stockton case 
still on their minds 
and with Bovard's evi- 
dence before their 
eyes, private, law- 
abiding Americans 
will realize the danger 
they face and the ас- 
Чоп with which they 
must respond. 
Stu Van Airsdale 
Orange, California 


Thanks for the in- 
formative article on 


N S 


the no-knock raid policy many police 
departments have adopted. Do Ameri- 
cans realize that actions such as these 
infringe on their rights? Have we be- 
come so content that we are willing to 
allow the government to rule our lives? 
We need to take America back before 
we get in any deeper. How? I have 
found a group of people who are will- 
ing to face that question. The Northern 
Michigan Militia has decided enough 
is enough. Its members are tired of 
standing idly by as the government 
that was, and is, by the people and for 
the people takes over the country. 
Once the government sees that people 
are forming militias for the purpose of 
government control, maybe its course 
of action will change. 

Dan Maestas 

Albuquerque, New Mexico 


We would like to hear your point of 
view. Send questions, information, opinions 
and quirky stuff to: The Playboy Forum 
Reader Response, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Што 6061 1. 
Fax number: 312-951-2939. E-mail: 
forum@playboy.com. 


41 


42 


n 1973 the Supreme Court estab- 

lished the reproductive rights of 

women, ruling that a woman has 

sole control of her body, with the 

right to choose if and when to bear 
a child. Subsequent decisions elaborat- 
ed: She could terminate an unwanted 
pregnancy without consulting the bio- 
logical father. 

Now, a generation later, a woman's 
power of choice is near absolute. Not 
only may women leave men out of 
the decision to abort, they may also 
leave men out of the decision to be- 
come parents. Last year 1.2 million sin- 
gle women had children; only a third 
of them named the fathers on birth 
certificates. 

Fathers go unnamed for lots of rea- 
sons: a sense of privacy, shame, igno- 
тапсе, rage, contempt, convenience. 
One brand ot femmist consciousness- 
raising has not just tolerated but has 
encouraged single motherhood. There 
are support groups for women who are 
single parents, straight and gay, and 
support groups for women who are 
considering pregnancy More valida- 
tion comes on daytime talk shows, on 
soaps, and famously in prime time on 
Murpky Brown. Empowerment. aside, 
the message is simply this: Dads don't 
matter. 

Yet at the same time, politicians and 
the media condemn the absentee fa- 
ther, who is typically depicted as an 
uncaring lout ready to abandon respon- 
sibility and disappear. Lawmakers con- 
template ways to go after deadbeat 
dads, to enforce their concept of 
parental responsibility, But when it 
comes to the rights of fathers who 
refuse to be deadbeats, who demand a 
place in their children's lives, the lan- 
guage isoften the same: Unwed fathers 
deserve nothing. 

Not all unwed mothers claim parent- 
hood as their right and/or responsibili- 
ty. Some 53,000 of them put their ba- 
bies up for adoption each year. States 
have passed laws that expedite adop- 
tion, trying to get the newborn into a 
two-parent home as quickly and as per- 
manently as possible. Under a model 
law known as the Uniform Adoption 
Act, the unwed father has just 30 days 


ІІІ 


F O R U v ЕНЕ 


INING 


the courts hove a novel approach to unwed 


to claim a relationship with his off- 
spring or to challenge the adoption. 
Not many try. lt isn't hard to see why. 
Look at what the courts consider im- 
proper in a father. In Nebraska, a 
young woman got pregnant and told 
her boyfriend that she was going to 
have an abortion and that she never 
wanted to see him again. She moved to 
a distant city and gave birth. When the 
young man tried to claim a parental 


right, the judge called him unfit. The 


evidence? He had made no effort to 
determine whether or not his former 
girlfriend had gone through with the 
abortion. His mistake was in taking his 
girlfriend's word that she was exercis- 
ing a right he had no recourse to stop. 
It is, after all, а federal crime to get in 
the way of a woman's right to abort. 
And in Illinois there's the battle over 
“Baby Richard." lt is a bizarre case. 
Man meets woman. Man impregnates 
woman and then, for the course of the 
pregnancy, supports her and makes 
plans for marriage. He leaves the coun- 


try to attend to an ailing grandmother. 
An aunt in the old country calls the 
mother-to-be to report—falsely—that 
the man is seeing an old flame. The 
mother-to-be moves out of her apart- 
ment and offers no forwarding ad- 
dress. She leaves word for the man to 
get lost. When she gives birth, she re- 
fuses to put the father's name on the 
birth certificate. She instructs her uncle 
то tell the father that his baby is dead. 
Taking the advice of her beauty school 


supervisor, the mother offers the child 
for adoption. The transfer is made іп 
the maternity ward. 

The adoptive parents, legally bound 
to notify the biological father, decide 
not to do so. Telling him would have 
been easy (he still lived at the old ad- 
dress). Instead, their lawyer submitted 
the papers, claiming that the father is 
unknown. 

The father calls hospitals and politi- 
cians to determine if there is a death 
certificate. He goes through the moth- 
er's garbage locking for baby items and 


FATHERHOOD 


dads—ignore them Ву TED C. 


sends friends to give her money. After a 
two-month search, he finally learns 
that his child lives with a family of 
strangers. The news sends him imme- 
diately to court to challenge the legali- 
ty of the adoption. 

Two lower courts ruled that the man, 
Otakar Kirchner, was an unfit father 
because he did not file vithin the 30- 
day limit, and because he never spoke 
with the mother directly about the 
birth or death of the baby. 


The courts focused on the best inter- 
сыз of the child and suggested that an 
unwed man who sincerely believes that. 
he was "one of the sexual partners to 
the physiological formation of a child" 
could file a lawsuit to determine legally 
whether he is the father and assert his 
arental rights before the child is born. 
Filing suit as a fatherly act is what law 
schools teach instead of the facts of life. 

Kirchner set out to do the right 
thing. He forgave the mother and mar- 
ried her. He fought the lower court de- 
cision with every resource һе had. 


FISHMAN 


Тһе fight has reached the Illinois 
Supreme Court twice. After a three- 
and-a-half-year battle, Kirchner ap- 
peared to have won. The justices said 
that he deserved custody of Baby 
Richard and that nothing had been 
said or done that established him as an 
unfit father. For his efforts, Kirchner 
gor public jeers and anonymous death 

reats. 

Dateline and 20/20 ran segments on 
the fight for Baby Richard. National- 


ly syndicated columnist Bob Greene 
spewed indignation for weeks, raising 
high the best-interests-of-the-child 
banner. 

Illinois governor Jim Edgar, in the 
midst of a reelection campaign, echoed 
public sentiment, calling the birth fa- 
ther's victory "a dark day for justice 
and human decency This is not just 
another lawsuit," he said. "It is about а 
young boy whom the court has decreed 
should be brutally, tragically torn away 
from the only parents he has ever 
known—parents who by all accounts 


loved and nurtured him from the sec- 
ond he joined the family.” 

But the Illinois Supreme Court saw 
something it could not sanction: In ef- 
fect, Baby Richard had been stolen 
from Kirchner at birth. The child's 
adoptive parents and their lawyer were 
party along with Baby Richard's bio- 
logical mother—to the deception. To- 
gether, they usurped Kirchner's right 
to have a relationship with his son. 

If a couple stole your child from a 
shopping cart and it took police three 
years to find them, would you expect 
the court to allow those otherwise lov- 
ing parents to keep your son or daugh- 
ter, in the best interests of the child? 

Justice [ames Heiple, writing for the 
Illinois Supreme Court, outlined the 
trail of blame: "The fault here lies ini- 
tially with the mother, who fraudulent- 
ly tried to deprive the father of his 
rights, and secondly with the adoptive 
parents and their ацогпеу, who pro- 
ceeded with the adoption when they 
knew that a real father was out there 
who had been denied knowledge of his 
baby's existence." 

The case continues to drag through 
the courts. And bizarrely, even though 
the U.S. Supreme Court refused to re- 
verse the Illinois ruling, Baby Richard 
stays with the couple who took him, 
though legally their "adoption" по 
longer stands. Kirchner once asked for 
photos of his son. The couple refused. 
Laws rushed through the Illinois legis- 
lature let Baby Richard's keepers make 
a case for custody, which under the law 
is а separate issue from parenthood. 
Kirchner has appealed again to the 
courts to stop a custody hearing. 

We understand the anguish of those 
who ask, "How do you explain this sit- 
uation to a child who has known only 
one home?" But consider the alterna- 
tive: How would the adoptive parents 
explain to the child they call their son 
that his real father fought long and 
hard to be allowed to raise him and 
that they did everything they could to 
keep the two apart? 

And someday the judges who have 
helped keep would-be fathers from 
their children will have to explain their 
rulings that fathers aren't parents at all. 


43 


44 


МЕ W 


S FR 


O ым T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


LOVE FOR SALE 


STOCKHOLN—A district court found a 
taxi driver guilty of billing а woman 
$8300, tax included, for 25 occasions of 
“sexual services." The judge decided the 


cabbie grossly exploited the 49-year-old 
woman's longing for physical love and 
convicted him of overcharging her. 


STICKS AND STONES 


RARITAN, NEW JERSEY—Mayor Anthony 
DeCicco's “ounce of prevention” is worth 
а ton of lawsuits, according to the police 
chief sworn to uphold the mayor's idea 
of decorum. The Raritan borough council 
passed an antiprofanity ordinance man- 
dating a fine of up to $500 or 90 days in 
Jail, or both, for anyone caught “behaving 
in a disorderly manner by noisy, rude or 
indecent behavior, by using profane, vul- 
gar or indecent language, by making in- 
sulting remarks or comments to others.” 
The police chief, citing a lack of drive-by 
swearings, said he is not going to enforce 
the law. 


HOT AND HEAUY HYMNALS 


LONDON—Some of England's church- 
music experts are finding modern hymns 
rife with double entendres that might well 
escape the average choir member. Dr. Don- 
ald Webster, fellow of the Royal College of 
Organists, holder of the Archbishop of 
Canterbury's diploma in church music and 


author of the less-than-best-selling “The 
Hymn Explosion and Its Aftermath,” ral- 
lied some fellow music theologians against 
the increasing appearance of such lurid 
lyrics as "I сап come no other way/ Take me 
deeper into you." Says Рх. Webster, “One is 
nauseated by the profanity of it. These 
hymns lend themselves to the kind of mi- 
crophone-licking and hip-swaying gestures 
you see on "Top of the Pops.” 


TENDER MERCIES 


AMSTERDAM—Dutch authorities are 
considering a plan to provide free heroin. 
to айфав through a carefully controlled 
program aimed at underculting the black 
market. The Dutch already have the most 
lenient drug policies in Europe, with gov- 
ernment-supported programs that tolerate 
so-called soft drugs and segregate recre- 
atonal users from hardened addicts. 


QUALITY CONTROL 


NEW YORK CITY—A large-scale needle- 
exchange program provided 22,000 drug 
users with clean needles, and a study of 
350 addicts involved indicates that new 
infection rates could be reduced by as much 
as 50 percent, New York health authori- 
ties estimate that nearly half of the city's 
200,000 IV-drug users already are infect- 
ed with HIV, contracted probably through 
needle sharing. More than 40 U.S. cities 
have exchange programs. 


GONG SHOW 


DENVER—Prison authorities were less 
than pleased when an inmate convinced a 
federal judge that the First Amendment 
grants him the religious right lo perform 
salanic rituals. The prisoner didn’t get his 
way entirely, however. His services cannot 
be held at two A.M., as requested, and an 
official said, "We won't allow any bloodlet- 
ling or animal sacrifices." He added hat 
the prison was looking for a gong, “wher- 
euer you gel one of those these days." 


DWINDLING RETURNS 


ANN ARBOR. MICHIGAN—A study of col- 
lege women found that they tend to become 
less concerned about safe sex as their num- 
ber of sexual partners increases. Univer- 
sity of Michigan researchers said that 
condom use declined with experience, in- 


creasing the risk of contracting AIDS or 
other sexually transmitted diseases. 


THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED? 


LONGVIEW, TEXAS—This Bible Belt 
town of 70,000 has become a thriving sex 
mecca on the road between Dallas and 
Shreveport because of Louisiana's recently 
approved casinos. Travelers passing 
through Longview now can patronize pros- 
pering new businesses such as topless bars 
or a totally nude steak house, and this 
has thrown some of the town’s citizens into 
ат uproar, A group calling itself Citizens 
Against Pornography in Texas, or CAP IT, 
is photographing, videotaping and record- 
ing the license numbers of such patrons. 
The protesters haven't used the evidence 
yet, bul their campaign has inspired some 
businesses to advertise that they provide 
only “fully clothed” service 


PANTY RAID 


SYRACUSE. NEW YORK—The Syracuse 
vice squad charged the owner of the Pretty 
Lady Lingerie shop with promoting prosti- 
tution—much to the delight of local mer- 
chants and residents who heard the com- 
motion and rushed into the street to give 


the cops an ovation. It seems a $50 pur- 
chase of lingerie included a 20-minute 
modeling session of the item, and for а tip 
the model would throw іт some erotic danc- 
ing. Authorities decided this qualified as 
paying for sexual acts 


Reporter's Notebook 


DO THE ROPE-A-DOPE, BILL 


why the president should let пеші 


Bill Clinton should just sit back and 
smile. The voters have spoken. It's time 
for the president to stop being a frenzied 
activist trying to fix intractable problems 
and instead assume the what-me-worry 
attitude that worked so well for Ronald 
Reagan. Played right, the Newt Gingrich 
revolution should be just the tonic Clin- 
ton needs to look strong without doing 
anything. Just hold the Republicans to 
the contradictory goals of their contract 
with America and say, “OK, fellows, 
you're so smart, show us how to cut tax- 
es and balance the budget. Both 

The contract promoted by Gingrich 
promises $200 billion in tax cuts over the 
next five years, mostly for the rich, while 
increasing defense spending and leaving 
Social Security and Medicare intact. If 
he can pull that off, he deserves an office 
higher than president. 

Let the Republicans hang out there as 
champions of a reduction in capital gains 
taxes—with 90 percent of the benefit go- 
ing to the richest ten percent in the 
country—while they seek to whittle away 
the mortgage interest deduction that 
benefits most of us. The deficit run up by 
the past two Republican presidents now 
soaks up 28 cents of every tax dollar to 
pay the interest on the last Republican 
debt. The Republicans have controlled 
the White House for 20 of the past 26 
years but always blame our troubles on 
а Democrat-controlled Congress. Well, 
the tables are turned. 

Everyone is for balancing the budget, 
but not really. We all feed lavishly at the 
public trough. ‘The big lie is that it’s the 
minority poor who soak up federal dol- 
lars. Gingrich's wealthy suburban white- 
flight district of Cobb County, Georgia is 
the third biggest nonmctropolitan rccip- 
ient of federal funds in the country. It 
gets $3.6 billion, which is 59 percent 
above the national average in pork. 
Lockheed, the biggest employer in his 
district, has been soaking taxpayers for 
billions for years and is almost constant- 
ly a subject of audits for huge cost over- 
runs. Gingrich even lobbied with the 
feds to get approval of Lockheed's sale 
of planes to Muammar el-Qaddafi. No 
wonder Gingrich’s budget cuts do not 
include defense spending. 

Then there are the congressmen from 
farm districts who won't touch the next 


take his best shot 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


biggest welfare program—agricultural 
subsidies. The proposed Solomon bill 
would climinate the irrational agricul- 
tural subsidy program in which we pay 
farmers not to grow food, But even 
Solomon's bill makes a glaring exception 
of support for dairy farmers, who are 
well represented in his own district. 
Hypocrisy is the name of the game. 

What about welfare for the poor? Sit 
back, Bill, and let your enemies come up 
with a welfare reform bill. Talk is cheap. 
But if you want to really freak out state 
governors, most of whom are Repub- 
licans, eliminate welfare as Gingrich's 
contract promises. The governors know 
that welfare is a cynical bargain that pro- 
vides the poor with a subsistence living 
and holding cells in the projects. Gut off 
those people, 9.5 million of whom are 
children, and we're talking about a new 
army ol homeless that will overflow the 
cities into the suburbs. Alternatives to 
the existing welfare system, whether 
they're the job training proposals of the 
Democrats or the foster homes and or- 
phanages of the contract, cost big mon- 
еу. Welfare reform is a terrific campaign 
sound bite, but woe to the politician who 
attempts to implement it. 

"The same is true with Gingrich's dem- 
agogic attacks on any sort of community- 
based program, including midnight bas- 
ketball, diat might keep kids off the 
streets. Jump shots after dark became 
the Willie Horton of the last campaign. 
Let it go, Bill. Let them build as many 
prisons as they want; that plan repre- 
sents the biggest government boondog- 
gle since the B-1 bomber, and it's backed 
by one of the powerful government em- 
ployee unions that Republicans are al- 
ways railing against. Go libertarian, Bill. 
Remind people that it was your oppo- 
nents who gave us the growing socialist 
police state in which nonviolent ргізоп- 
ers (many of them casualties of the 
pointless Big Brother war on drugs) are 
spending their lives in federal prisons 
covered by expensive medical care. 

Meanwhile, keep your eye on the 
ball—our eroding standard of living and 
the climination of the middle class, two 
things that the trickle-down apologists 
for the wealthy never want to deal with. 
All of our problems start here, from 
crime to the breakup of the family. 


Median family income in this country 
doubled between 1947 and 1973 but has 
been stagnant for the past 20 years. But 
that’s the good news, because median in- 
come disguises the fact that the rich have 
gotten much richer while the rest of the 
population has been pushed way down. 
The latest Census Bureau figures show 
that almost 40 million Americans now 
live below the poverty level. It is no 
longer possible to speak of America as 
an essentially middle-class society when 
the wealthiest 20 percent receive an 
amount of income nearly equal to the to- 
tal of the rest of income earners. 

This is the source of our widely felt so- 
cial discontent, and the right-wing Re- 
publicans have been skillful at exploiting 
it. All of their proposals—including low- 
er inheritance taxes, tax breaks for 
wealthier people on Social Security, a 
$500-per-child tax credit for the rich 
and substituting regressive sales taxes 
for income tax—make the rich richer 
and the majority poorer. Of course, the 
right-wing ultras will never admit this. 
Instead, they distract us with phony 
lifestyle issucs and a hunt for such scape- 
goats as gays in the military or blacks 
and immigrants on the dole. Their big 
lie is that the poor, not the rich, have im- 
poverished the middle class. 

Clinton needs to cut through this rot. 
He needs to grab the populist banner 
from the Republican lackeys of the rich 
and defend the economic interests of the 
American people, be they small farmers, 
factory workers or white-collar service 
employees. In the hard times that are 
sure to come, they are the ones who will 
need the food stamps, the job training, 
the Medicare and Medicaid, the free 
public education, in order to survive and 
bounce back. Those are the programs 
that have made this country great by en- 
suring that its ordinary people remain 
proud despite the ruthless swings of the 
business cycle. All of us need the envi- 
ronmental and labor safety standards 
that the ultras now seek to destroy. 

Those are the lifeline programs that 
the ultrarightists in Congress are deter- 
mined to eviscerate. Clinton should, for 
once, find the courage to defend them. 


45 


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рлүвоү interview: VLADIMIR ZHIRINOVSKY 


а candid conversation—and then some—with russia’s outrageous demagogue about 
politics and power, boris and hillary, jews and muslims—and why he likes to watch 


He was an unknown lawyer from the 
provinces, а political amateur with а tainted 
past, living in а country accustomed to gray- 
haired career Communists who die in office. 

when Vladimir Volfovich Zhirinov 
ғап for president in 1991, in Russia's first 
free elections—promising cheap vodka for 
теп and flowers for women—no one gave 
his campaign a chance. 

Then reality hit: The onetime political no- 
body placed third with 6.2 million votes, be- 
hind President Boris Yeltsin and former So- 
viel. Premier Nikolai Ryzhkou Two years 
later, in December 1993, Zhirinovsky's iron- 
ically named Liberal Democratic Party of 
Russia placed first in the nation’s parlia- 
mentary elections, with 12.3 million votes— 
23 percent of the ballots cast 

In just three years, Russia's boublemah- 
ing upstart had catapulted to worldwide 
fame. Yet, despite Zhirinovsky's impressive 
political rise, it is tempting to write him off. 
as a Russian twist on Ross Perot, a master of 
the populist sound bite whose celebrity is, at 
best, ephemeral. That would be a mistake. In 
a “New York Times Magazine” cover story, 
Russian documentary filmmaker Stanislav 
Govorukhin, himself an outspoken national- 
ist, called Zhirinovsky “a talent from the 
ranks of Stalin and Lenin” who is so "scary" 
and such а powerful orator that he is lik 
to be a frightening contender іп Russi 


“Women deceive by nol saying what they 
think. Consequently, you have to deceive them, 
nol telling them what you want but what they 
want to hear. ] transferred this concept to 
politics and achieved great success.” 


next presidential election, іп 1996. 

If nothing else, Zhirinousky's LDPR victo- 
ry has helped him capture the international 
forum he craves. He travels the globe hawk- 
ing his provocative platform, which has in- 
cluded restoring imperial Russia's borders, 
invading Turkey, repartitioning Poland, de- 
stroying Germany and Kazakhstan, “saving 
the world” from the spread of Islam, expos- 
ing Jewish "conspiracies" and even using gi- 
аш fans to blow nuclear radiation across the 
Baltic nations. He has threatened neighbor- 
ing countries with nuclear war, bragged that 
Russian soldiers will “wash their boots in the 
Indian Ocean” and blamed most of Russia's 
problems—from rising crime to bad govern- 
meni—on ethnic minorities. 

If Zhirinovsky's policies are questionable, 
his personal conduct is downright absurd. 
Не has stormed the office of the governor of 
Nizhni Novgorod (and when the governor 
was not there to greet him, threatened to jail 
ar execute the governor's staff), punched fel- 
low parliamentarians, mixed with old-style 
and neo-Nazis and been kicked out of—or 
forbidden entry to—a half dozen European 
nations. nedia have portrayed him ауа 
crazed extremist who has spit at and hurled 
а polted plant at Jewish protesters in France, 
kissed a naked man on the mouth in а 
Slovenian sauna, posed nude in a shower 
and held court in а Helsinki strip club. For 


“Arafat is Arafat. What сап I say? I don't 
like his clothes. He's constantly wrapping his 
head in always threatening to de- 
stroy Israel. Israel signs treaties, then fights 
with me. Crazy people are making politics.” 


his part, Zhirinovsky defends his outlandish- 
ness as “tactical.” 

Zhirinousky's breakthrough success in De. 
cember 1993 came at a time when Russia 
was at its most vulnerable, its people ìn- 
creasingly disaffected. By then, many Rus- 
sians who had once dreamed of American- 
style democracy had become disillusioned by 
the new freedoms (such as the right to be poor 
and hungry) that accompanied the economic 
Iransformation. Twenty-five million ethnic 
Russians found themselves outside the moth- 
erland’s borders, most of them the victims of 
discrimination, Ethnic fighting had boiled 
over in the ex-Soviet republics of Georgia, 
Moldova, Azerbaijan and Armenia; border 
skirmishes had erupted between. Tajikistan 
and Afghanistan; and civil war had begun 
in Russia's oil-rich, mostly Muslim break- 
away region of Chechnya. 

Domestically, Russia's poverty and crime 
(notably mafiya crime) soared. Car bombs, 
kidnappings, apartment-block rocket launch- 
ers and bodyguards became integral parts of 
the new Russia. The calamity came to a head 
in October 1993 when tanks rolled on 
Moscow streets as President Yeltsin bombed 
his own parliament. Hundreds of people 
died in the melee. (The official tally was 140 
dead, though unofficial estimates were as 
high as 1000.) 

Vladimir Zhirinovsky admits he would 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JENNIFER GOULO 
“To observe how people drink, smoke, this is 
not interesting. But to see you during coitus, 
young bodies intertwined, a woman starting 
do ery, all of you changing your positions, her 
screaming Again, again, Í want it again! 


47 


PLAYBOY 


not have been so successful in another era. 
He is often likened to Adolf Hitler and has 
sued а writer for making such а comparison. 
In a "Time" story that featured a cover pho- 
to of а menacing Zhirinovsky in combat 
fatigues, the U.S. Librarian of Congress, 
‚James Billington, says Zhirinovsky's autobi- 
ography, “The Last Thrust to the South,” is 
“in some respects psychologically ап even 
more unstable work than ‘Mein Kampf?” 

Russian reformers, meanwhile, have been 
hoping the threat of extremists such as Zhiri- 
novsky would force the West to be more active 
in aiding Russia’s economic transition, yet it 
has actually helped to push Yeltsin to the 
right. Zhirinovsky’s politics have also pre- 
vented Yeltsin's factionalized opposition— 
the “red-brown” coalition of Communists, 
ultranationalists and fascists—from unit- 
ing. This has led some insiders to suspect 
that Zhirinovsky is secretly working for 
Yeltsin. 

Zhirinousky has already begun his 1996 
presidential campaign, as have Yeltsin and 
Aleksandr Rutskoi, а hero of the Afghan war 
who was elected vice president on Yeltsiu's 
ticket and then jailed for his leading role in 
the October 1993 rebellion (Rutskoi was 
granted amnesty in February 1994). The 
election already promises to be a fractious 
one: Most opponents refer to Zhirinovsky as 
"crazy." Rutskoi goes so far as to call him a 
"clinical case." Yet while many are eager to 
conclude that "Vlad the Mad” is too de- 
ranged to do significant damage, no опе is 
ready lo discount him completely for 1996— 
especially т light of has history. 

Born in Almaty, Kazakhstan in 1946, 
Zhirinovsky says he grew up in desolate, 
post-World War Two poverty. In fact, Zhiri- 
nousky attended the best school in his town, 
though he was not well liked by classmates 
nor by the boys in his neighborhood (“We 
didn't think he was fit for wiping our feet 
on," remembers one). In 1964 he entered 
Moscow State University’s prestigious Insti- 
tute for Oriental Languages, a top KGB re- 
cruiting pool usually reserved for children of 
the nomenklatura, or Communist elite. He 
then moved to Turkey, where, still a student, 
he interned as an interpreter in the city of 
Iskenderun (in addition to Russian and 
passable English, Zhirinovsky speaks 
French, German and fluent Turkish). In 
1969 he was arrested in Turkey; his pur- 
poried crime was distributing Soviet pius. 
His release from jail and speedy expulsion 
were widely suspected to have been arranged 
by the KGB. 

After graduation, Zhirinousky, who had 
married his college sweetheart, а dark- 
haired scientist named Galina, became a So- 
viet army officer in Tbilisi, Georgia. He then 
attended law school and joined Inyurkol- 
legiya, a state legal agency that specialized 
in inheritance and pension cases. There, ac- 
cording to one former associate, he gained a 
reputation not so much for his lawyerly skills 
as for his penchant for drama. 

In 1983 he left his job amid accusations 
that he had accepted an improper gift— 


ag which he denies—and had bad-mouthed his 


superiors afler they denied his request to be 
recommended for Communist Party member- 
ship. (Zhirinovsky now claims he never at- 
tempted to join the CPSU.) He then applied 
for—and received—an invitation to immi- 
grate to Israel, but instead joined the Mir 
Publishing House, one of the Soviet Union’s 
largest. In 1987 he ran as an independent 
candidate representing the publishing сот- 
pany ina local election but was disqualified 
from the race by the company's manage- 
ment—as well as by Communist Party offi- 
cials—uho questioned Zhirinovshy's conduct. 

Over the next few years, Zhirinovsky 
stayed on the fringe of politics, making pub- 
lic speeches and appearing at dissident gath- 
erings. In 1990 he became chairman of the 
fledgling Liberal Democratic Party of the So- 
viet Union, which rode a new wave of xeno- 
phobia as Zhirinovsky fueled fears of West- 
ern decadence and meddling foreigners. 
Zhirinovsky was soon expelled for suspected 
ties to the Communists. He then formed the 
Liberal Democratic Party of Russia іп Feb- 
ruary 1991, co-opting and altering the 
name of the party that had ejected him. 
Because this was the first official party to 
register since 1917, top Russian and Ameri- 


Russia is a political 
hermaphrodite. You have 
to understand Russia 
and leave her alone. We'll 
never try to spread our 
influence anywhere. 


can officials have speculated that the KGB 
actually created the LDPR to give the illu- 
sion of a multiparty system. 

Ties to the KGB are not the only charges 
that continue to dog Zhirinovsky. He also is 
frequently questioned about a possible Jewish 
lineage. When an American reporter uncov- 
ered documents that suggested Zhirinovsky's 
father (who died before Vladimir was born) 
was a Jew named Volf Isaakovich Edelshtein, 
Zhirinovsky called the papers forgeries. He 
countered that his mother was Russian and 
his father was a lawyer. And when it was re- 
ported that Zhirinousky was active in Sha- 
lom, a Jewish cultural group, he claimed the 
membership was for the purpose of practic- 
ing oratorical skills. 

During the attempted putsch of August 
1991, Zhirinovsky, fresh off his third-place 
finish in the presidential elections, supported 
the plotiers of the coup against Soviet Presi- 
dent Mikhail Gorbachev. Though the take- 
over failed, Gorbachev resigned by Christ- 
mas, taking the last remnants of the Soviet 
Union with him. Two years later, Zhiri- 
novsky would stagger President Yeltsin’s re- 
form movement with the surprise ambush at 
the parliamentary elections. Then last April, 


Jor an interview? I asked Zh 


despite some dissent within its own ranks, 
340 deputies at the LDPR's Fifth Party Con- 
gress voted unanimously to give Zhirinovsky 
absolute power in the party, extending his 
chairmanship until 2004 and nominating 
him as their candidate in Russia's next pres- 
idential election. 

To interview Zhirinousky, PLAYBOY sent 
Jennifer Gould, a Canadian freelance jour- 
nalist based in Moscow, on a Zhirinovsky 
campaign cruise down the Volga. River. И 
was no ordinary assignment: Zhirinovsky is 
difficult to pin down and he usually 
mands to be paid for his time—something 
PLAYBOY does not do—up to $15,000 per in- 
terview. ("The New York Times Magazine" 
did not interview Zhirinovsky for its story 
about him because of his demand for pay- 
ment.) When Zhirinovsky does agree to talk, 
it is often at journalists’ peril: A "Washing- 
ton Post” reporter wrote that he was "threat- 
ened” by а screaming Zhirinovsky, whose 
aides then snapped off the reporter’s tape 
recorder. When Zhirinovsky received a male 
Italian journalist, it was in the style of a Ro- 
man emperor: He was in bed, naked under a 
blanket, with his hands beneath his head апа 
his bare feet sticking out, a young bodyguard 
standing beside him. Yet nothing could have 
prepared Gould for what was to come. Here 
is her report: 

"Ht first, it seemed too easy. My request to 
travel with Zhirinovsky down the Volga as һе 
campaigned for 20 days last August was 
granted without question. Although 1 had 
heen assured [would not have to pay for the 
interview, I was told at the last minute that 
the price would be the usual 815,000. ‘Don't 
you think it’s ridiculous to charge 815,000 
nousky al a 
press conference. ‘Oh но," he said, touching 
my arm. "That's for companies, not individ- 
uals. How much can you pay?’ 

“I told him that Р лүвоҮ doesn't pay for 
interviews; it's considered unethical. 
novsky agreed to sit for the interview for free, 
though his press secretary later told me the 
promise had been made only for the cameras. 
I showed up at the boat not knowing if he'd 
actually come through. 

“The voyage was surreal. When 1 wasn’t 
attending the Zhirinovsky rallies, I was usu- 
ally negotiating my next interview appoint- 
ment or making my way 10 the man through 
a phalanx of his omnipresent aides. (Zhiri- 
novsky is always surrounded by handsome 
young bodyguards, called Zhirinovsky's Fal- 
cons.) During the interview sessions, Zhiri- 
novsky started off soundly enough; although 
he was stubborn, belligerent and uncoopera- 
tive, there was an inherent—if outrageous— 
logic to his behavior. As the journey pro- 
gressed and Zhirincusky began to relax, his 
words became more tangled and disorga- 
nized. He made illogical jumps—such as im- 
pulsively talking about his father when asked 
about Fidel Castro—and would repeat the 
same word many times in a row, like а child 
damoring for attention. 

“Before too long 1 felt that I had fallen in- 
to a Joseph Conrad novel. Each succeeding 


day down the Volga, Zhirinousky's eccentric- 
ity became more apparent. To his credit, 
though, he answered most of my questions 
with frank, if vulgar, honesty. 

“Then the sex talk began. While there is 
some public discussion aboul sexual harass- 
ment in the corporate world and the armed 
forces, sexual harassment of journalists by 
their sub; is rarely discussed. The crude 
jokes, innuendos, even brazen propositions 
female journalists customarily deal with arc 
often edited out of the final stor 

“Yet until my sessions with Zhirinovsky, 1 
had never subjected to such blatant sex- 
ual harassment. If a stranger had talked to 
me the way Zhirinovsky did, 1 would have 
told him off or walked away. But this man, 1 
reminded myself, could become the next pres- 
ident of Russia. So instead of being offend- 
ed—taking his comments personally, admon- 
ishing him, walking out and burning the 
inlerview—I tried to turn the sexism back 
onto him by provoking him into explaining 
his behavior. Hf his words didu't shame him, I 
concluded, 1 certainly wasn't going to let 
them intimidate me. 

“The turning point of all this was the то- 
ment I stood with my 20-year-old. female 
translator, Masha Pavlenko, outside the en- 
trance to Zhirinovsky's private chamber. We 
had just completed an hour-long inlerview, 
and Zhirinovsky suggested we continue in 
his room—me, Masha, Zhirinovsky and two 
young male bodyguards. I could have walked 
ашау, bul 1 wanted to see what would hap- 
‚ben, how far he would go if someone actual- 
ly called his bluff. 1 did —and what ensued is 


captured almost verbatim toward the end of 


the following transcript." 

Ed. note: Throughout the following tran- 
scripts, we have placed the interviewer's 
commentary in italic type. 


[Thursday August 11, 1994: Му first 
meeting with Zhirinovsky is а join! interview 
with an Italian journalist, Dido Saccheltoni. 
The rest of the interviews are exclusive. 
Throughout todays session, Zhirinousky ap- 
pears tired and surly, rattling off answers 
without really thinking about the questions. 
Тһе subject then turns to the boat ride ше 
are on.] 

PLAYBOY: This cruise is remarkably simi- 
lar to an American whistle-stop cam- 
paign. Despite your anti-Western slo- 
gans, are you modeling your campaign 
strategy on American-style politics? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: No. Our success 
originality. 

PLAYBOY: In what way? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: We go where we've never 
been, places where we have weak party 
organization. Today 150 people signed 
up to become members of our party. We 
are winning part of the local administra- 
tions. It’s like an army division fighting a 
small war to get quick results. Every- 
thing about the style and actions of the 
leader and the party are different. Of 
course, 1 keep track of world politics, but 
1 never planted someone else's example 
on Russian soil. We can't learn from the 


It you'd ike to hear more stories about our founder, drop us a Ine. 


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PLAYBOY 


t. The country is constantly sur- 
rounded by a camp of enemies. Every- 
where, enemies. 

PLAYBOY: Are there any American poli 
cians you admire? Anyone you would try 
to emulate for Russia? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I haven't studied anyone 
specifically. Russia is a political hermaph- 
rodite. You have to understand Russia 
and leave her alone. We'll never try to 
spread our influence anywhere, neither 
to the East nor the West. For us, the bor- 
ders the USSR had are enough. We 
won't return to communism or to any 
other totalitarian regime. But today’s 
regime is dangerous for the West. Let it 
end by collapse. Gangsters have flooded 
western Europe and a great number of 
nuclear weapons and nuclear power sta- 
tions will threaten the whole world. 

[The remainder of the session is basically a 
rambling Zhirinovsky monolog on a variety of 
topics: his impoverished childhood, a typically 
outrageous scheme to crack down on crime by 
increasing ethnic tension, a proposal to sic the 
Russian mafiya on “Georgian, Azerbaijani, 
Chechen, Armenian and Ossetian mafiya 
groups.” Afterward, he says he'd banish the 
mafiya to central Asia and the Caucasus. 
“Well create a region for them, New Ameri- 
ca,” he says in his raspy monotone. “Manage 
the region by yourself. Use Islamic traditions, 
take four wives. It's your property. There is oil. 
All the natural resources are yours. Create 
your own laws, act your сит way.” 

The interview concludes, and later in the 
day, I duck past the bodyguards to talk with 
Zhirinovsky as he waves goodbye to a cheering 
crowd. The boat pulls oul of the harbor. Boris 
Yeltsin's boat, which left Moscow the зате day, 
is also on the Volga, just ahead of us.] 
PLAYBOY: Don't you think Yeltsin missed 
the boat, so to speak, by failing to create 
a grass roots political party during the 
height of his popularity, after the failed 
1991 coup d'état? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Yeltsin was too tired. He 
got tired from the Communist Party of 
the Soviet Union. When you're 60 years 
old, you're unable to create a new party. 
This is why they'll lose. Also, he was a 
member of that party for 40 years. It's 
hard for him to find a new onc. 
PLAYBOY: Do you believe Yeltsin had 
American government. advisors before, 
during and after the 1991 coup? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: The Americans were help- 
ing the Democratic Russia movement. 
Through Dem Ros, the Americans in- 
fluenced Yeltsin. 

That's it! I'm going to rest. 

[Friday, August 12: We head toward Nizh- 
ni Novgorod, Russia's model privatization 
city and a Yeltsin stronghold. Yeltsin arrived 
there earlier in the day and, as а result, our 
boat is stuck on the Volga for the next five 
hours for "security reasons.” Zhirinovsky can- 
cels our morning interview. He is furious and 
tries to turn the situation around so that 
it is under his control. The boat nuzzles up 
to a cruise ship filled with Ministry of De- 


52 fense workers and their families. “Quick! Send 


over champagne and chocolates!” Zhirinousky 
shouts. The passengers, cheering wildly, drink 
lo Zhirinovsky’ health. He jumps on board, 
delivers an impromptu campaign speech and 
signs up new party members. 

Our interview session begins later that day 
on the deck of the Aleksandr Pushkin. Zhiri 
пошу wears a red and blue Reebok track 
suit— unzipped to reveal a chest covered with 
gray hair and a large paunch—and sandals. 
He is relaxed. His blue eyes, only partly 
shielded by a white NBC “Meet the Press” 
baseball cap, narrow into a squint as he sips 
bottled orange juice. He is still difficult and 
churlish, as if he wants the interview to end 
before it has begun.] 

PLAYBOY: Why do you want to restore the 
former Soviet Union? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Im in favor of Russia—not 
the USSR, but within the borders of the 
former USSR, because it’s our state and 
it’s been artificially split. In today’s bor- 
ders, Russia will suffocate and perish. We 
have ten months of cold weather a year. 
It's absurd. Agriculture is impossible 
The territory from the Urals to the Far 
East is ecologically poisoned. It’s impos- 
sible to live there. The state of war in the 
Caucasus and central Asia will give birth 
to a new Russian army, a new economy 
and a new generation. We need to blend 
the population for there to be people 
with mixed blood. This will lead to the 
resuscitation of the nation. 

PLAYBOY: How do you explain your sen- 
sational slogans such as your boast—or 
threat—that Russian soldiers will “wash 
their boots in the Indian Ocean"? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: That's just a symbol. We 
don’t want to conquer or enlarge any- 
thing. The southern regions—Afghan- 
istan, Iran and Turkey—need a stabiliz- 
ing factor. Today there is war between 
Tajikistan and Afghanistan. Who can 
stop it? Russia. Only Russia. It has al- 
ready stopped. If you would have taken 
Russian troops from Tajikistan, Afghan- 
istan would have already conquered it, 
and war would now be burning through- 
out central Asia. 

When French soldiers land in Chad оғ 
American soldiers land in Somalia, they 
wash their boots in the sea and it doesn't 
cause amazement. Why, if Russian sol- 
diers are today back in Ceorgia at the in- 
vitation of [Georgian President Eduard] 
Shevardnadze, does this cause amaze- 
ment? Our troops appear at the invita- 
tion of other countries to save lives. You 
can't move farther because nobody lives 
farther; it's only the Indian Ocean. It's 
just a symbolic border going south, On 
the north we have only the Arctic Ocean, 
and nobody asks us to go there. On the 
cast is the Pacific Ocean. We're already 
there. "The rest is the south, the most 
dangerous point. This will probably be 
solved within ten years. 

PLAYBOY: America already has had its im- 
perial war with Vietnam, and Russia had 
Afghanistan. Aren't you afraid that all 


this aggressive, pro-military talk will end 
up dividing Russia? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: The tnam war was to- 
tally different. Americans were far away 
from Vietnam. But these are the south- 
ern borders of Russia we're talking 
about. Past these borders is only a warm 
ocean. Russia's influence lran, Af- 
ghanistan and Turkey doesn't threaten 
anyone. Even today this region is prac- 
tically neutral. 

PLAYBOY: You justify your outrageous 
comments by saying they're symbolic. 
But don't you alo make inflammatory 
statements—things you dont really 
mean—simply to stir up emotions? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: In a certain sense, it's a po- 
litical shock, a political drug. Today, even 
ethnic Russia is collapsing. The union is 
destroyed. So we talk about a greater 
goal, not only to restore the borders of 
the USSR but also to spread influence 
over large territories in the direction 
we've never achieved: the Indian Ocean. 
That coincides with the foreign policy of 
the czars. Going out to warm seas is like 
returning to the good old days. We 
somehow compensate for the loss of 
Alaska and Finland. This movement to 
the West—toward Poland or Finland— 
could obviously cause concern in west- 
ern Europe. Ànd [movement toward] 
Alaska could prick up America's ears. 
But the movement to the south is the 
most harmless. 

PLAYBOY: You describe Russian history in 
the tollowıng way: Ihe Bolsheviks were 
diabolical men, the Stalinists were homo- 
sexuals—because everybody was а Com- 
munist, Khrushchev's era was one of 
masturbation or self-satisfaction after 
Stalin, Brezhnev's was the epoch of an 
old man's impotence, and Gorbachev 
and Yeltsin symbolize a time of orgies 
and sexual confusion. Why do you use 
these analogies? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: This topic of sex was closed 
for a long time. That's why it's now so 
fashionable. I'm also more oriented to 
the younger generation, for whom these 
problems are most vital. Everyone can 
understand sex, both men and women. 
If I made analogies about biological 
problems, physical phenomena or 
sports, not everyone would understand. 
But sex and politics are much easier to 
understand. 

PLAYBOY: How did growing up in Almaty, 
Kazakhstan influence you? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I was born just after World 
War Two. Everything was destroyed and 
there was hunger. I always felt rejected 
by society. It makes an individual devel- 
op faster. I became socially aware from 
the very first stage. 

PLAYBOY: You say you were born to the 
poorest class and had a difficult child- 
hood. But you went to elite schools in Al- 
maty and Moscow. You cultivate this im- 
age of a deprived loner, but isn't that just 
another tactic to attract voters? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I became a pupil at the best 


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‘What is ROGAINE? 

FOGAINE Topical Solution is а prescription medicire for use en the scalp that is used то treat а type ol hair lossin men ard women known as; baat 
alopezia Ги as ofthe scaip vertex ој oc cova the headin men and Че har loss thnnrg ol е rt and t0 a fe scalp m wonen ROGAINE isa 
pica form ol cunas, or use onthe scalp. 

Howetlectiveis ROGAINE? 

rer nc ue GANE ве гері mele patern оа е tehea ver corked сат nS 
redial cones Воведот ранет очакочотоојтероне atthe erd of mons 26% of te parts ing ROGAINE had moderate te dense raw rerom 
orgared wih 1% who wed a placebo тедеп! ате rien] Noregrowthwas repotedby 41% 0 hose using ROGANEancS8oloseusrga 
placebo. By the end of 1 year, 4i ol those who cortinued o ese ОБАМЕ rated her tair growth as moderate or better, 

Inwomon: cla sudy of wonen with hair bss was cordtcted by ос 11 US ока centers, Based on patents self tirgs кй едн! айт 
diues Sl ener не ser or miniral НО a а mon up 
a колне! ther Пай regrowthas moderate [1%] or тита 43%). Мо regrwth wasreported by 41% of the group using ROGAINE andb0% of 
Tagnupusiro дас: 

Hovwsooncanl expectresuts kom ing ROGAINE? 

Studies show that the response time 10 ROGAINE may differ greatly Irom one person to anather Some people using ROGAINE may see results faster than others; 
оће may respond vith lower to afhan regrowth You should nstexpect vbe ern les thon rons 

How ongdo i need to use ROGAINE? 

ЮСАҢЕв aair loss aten nat acre. youhavenewhairgrowth, you wi need to continue using ROGAINE to keep or increase hair regrowth. Ку. 
ШЕ show ea growth ih ROGAINE alera reasonable piado e a eranl uror nay aise tdm 


Whathappensi stop using ROGAINE? Will keep thenevr На? 
пора Pa. People ezerepone at rew Pl owt was shed aher they stopped sng ROGAINE. 
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you ips кеседі ROGAINE ROGAINE mara on e гар als ruo portato te scalp etwas Faro 
atleast das aher ap. wach your hair beloreappiying ROGAINE, be sr yur сар and harr are dry wher you pr t Paseroe to the 
station; fos Use inthe package: 
Whatit miss a dose orlorget tose ROGAINE? 
Do notty terala up fer missed applications o OGAE Vou should estan your twica dal dosos an retum toy sualschodule. 
Whatare he most common sideetects reported in clinical studies with ROGAINE? 
Mg andthe sn maurs of We euadscal are were the mos commen side feas rect inked o ROGAINE in cinica studies. About? ol every 100 
People who uo! ROGAINE (79) Fd those conpianis. 
Cie side effects, rcg ае, danes: aces were reported both by people usi ROGAINE ancby tose sing the peceto иот 
поте Youstcu ask yov Сопот ndisse side elects ROGAINE wih yo 
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ROGAINE Торга! Soluta contains aol tich could cause burning or iritadon ef theeyesor ssi skn areas. ROGAINE сета gets ito thease 
areas tinse the area ith arge amos of col tapwater. Contact your босогі the tao dees not goa 
Whataro some of the sido онест pooplo have raportoi? 
FOGANE was used by 3857 pains 347 fenalesin pace» conl сенс еа Except itr dernatlogiceverts ving thesi. по ганот 
© ers gaged) es appears tote moe corer nie еве patents tan n placebo teated patens 
Dermatoiogie: tara ors renct darmane 3% r bronchitis, ppor rogpratoy lecto race. 16; Cackointetinak dir 
(tea rausa, vontirg—4 39% Neuroagic:heatäche. білге; lanes, ft headers 47 Musculoskeletal tacts, tack pain, етот, 
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еңіс: rorspenifi дере actions ves allergie lc velim anf sry 27% Metabalic-Nutrtinnal etema wegh іп. 1249. 
ial Senses: rris еа ано verto—1.17% Genital Tract postas ерут vaginis vts арте! schwa hn 1. 
finery ict iy acer cel cael uerit 033% Endocrine печи danes, Deest poo 04755 Payee iy, 
res fatique—1 30%; Hematologic: mpraderopath, тотюсурепа, anemia 0:1 
GAIN зе hasbeenmetore lor pio yeas, and there has been no change in incidence ека ну of epaned averse excors Аја vene 
sos have tee egret inco maketing ROGAINE rd incwdeocona perrichcs excessive kar gow} оса eythena (dress puris eng] dry 
sica ak setal d unc vis ас melding decreased sual cay (cay increase ај os and alopecia har os 
\Whatare Ше possitle side ееп that coud affect the hear and circulation when using ROGAINE? 
Serious ids elects tave not been rkedioROGAINE ісігі iude However is posible at fey оосо il more than tha recommeded deseo 
FOGANE were app, because he actie преде РОВАМЕ she sane as that modi tales. Pese eects appear to be dose related ен more 
diecsareseenwihtifer des, 
Beca.severysmal amcuntsol minoxil reach the bieod when he recommended dose ГЇ ROGAINE pict the stalp. you shuld тона сипат 
eec thatmayoccu wien the tablet or: 0 го used lott hg bid pressure. Miron ret оне blo pressure by relaxing theatres an 


efiec calles vacation Vesodlton lends old retention and fester heart rate. The folowing ellectshaveocarted п sone peers takng mira 
тарыз for high bloodpressure: 

increased eat rate sone potentshavereptred ta their resting heart rate nreesedby more ttan 20 beats per minete. 

Sean sen waht gein sohn pounis mas pd 

Poy 


Id ure or sweling olte aco, hands, ankles, or stomach area 
rs beating. especialy when ng doe a rezult ol a buildup of body fuds or fad аот егег. 

rsenng ornewanark of argira petis dl suden ches ран, 

en yeu арду ROGAINE ano зіп very terna е You probably will not have the ровен causedby nos tablets when 
yua GANE I howe you opera poste ns dto opus ROGAINE сот dt Any ces 
эйе mast ey ROGAIN was иза! ае or farmed skin or in greater tan eccemerded amous. 

Јанта tudes, non much larger amounts kan would be absorbe lom toca use fon sn] people, as caused impar hear stur 
emage. This knd ol damage has па beer seen in humans given min bet for tagh blood pressureat effective doses. 

Whatfactorsmay increase the risk of serous sideeffects with ROGAINE? 
People with a kwn or suspected һап соло oa tendentyIochea faire моиве рап сја пе утоа hear raie or Rud tenir were to our 
рени es bs feat poeta De кені ris кепе her doro ehe tuse GANE 

КАМЕ sho ide sol ne biro a Шар FOGANE orotar gansche kody nay rro moonii epa wich ma кешене 
chartas tavr ses nu sinds OCN canada лімге and you intel sr ae ins 
ЕТТЕ 
Can people with high blood pressureuse ROGAINE? 

Mosi people witi high blood pressure., moin those taling high Bondressureeticne, cause ROGAINE bu should bemontredclosy by thet doce 
Tatirtstlina tico pessuremedcinecallequanethidire shout пй ше ROGAINE. 

‘Should any precaations be followed? 

espe house FOGANE олојбче е сі muh afer оа ROGAINE andatlestevery mons есабы Sopusng ROGANE any едом 
б sdtandvoletrdorto. роботе breathing faster Fear rato, orchest pans. 

Dont ке RAIN i puare ang her cusped вра crinis ncs porum or agents ај па аат 
"vay thes. ROGAINE ifr use or the ойрону. Each Wie scltoncontams ии and accidental ngesto coud cie unwanted zeds. 
Bre there speciai precautions for women? 

Fregant worenantaursngnothes shouid rot use ROGAINE. Asso, is lc on women during labor ard diver re not known Efiary п postmeropavsal 
women hasnot been sudes. Studies show te useof ROGAINE wil not affect renstual cycle оой, arounto Пси, or durin ol the ека pero 
Fisco using ROGAINE ard result your doctor as soon as possible d your menstrual репо бое: rotocor at the expected tire. 

Can ROGAINE be used by children? 

No. thasafty ane ooctweness of ROGAINE has rot been testodin people under age 18. 

Caution: Federal law prohibits dissensing without a pesorptim. You must see a босо to receive а respon 


EEN | ineo 


Те Upjohn Company, Kalamaroo, VI 49001, USA (855 


school only because I lived nearby, not 
because someone put me there. 1 was 
one of the poorest kids in the school, 
from one of the poorest families. That's 
why I deeply understand social prob- 
lems. But at the same time I had the op- 
portunity to get a good education. It was 
justa lucky combination. 

PLAYBOY: In your autobiography, The Last 
Thrust to the South, you write a lot about 
your mother. What kind of influence did 
5he have on your life? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: She helped me passively. I 
saw how difficult it was for her to live. I 
always saw her trying to find food. She 
was always busy with housework. She 
never rested. We had almost по holi- 
days. 1 often saw her crying and sad. It 
also oriented me to social issues and 
made me live the life ofan adult. I didn't 
have any toysat home to play with. І had 
no children's books. 1 read my mother's 
books, An American Tragedy, by Theodore 
Dreiser, and Queen Margot, by Alexandre 
Dumas. I had to break from childhood 
and mature quickly. There were no oth- 
er kids around. I маз alone. 

PLAYBOY: Did your wife, Galina, assume 
the role your mother played in your life? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: No. She played a totally 
different role. She came from a well-fed, 
satisfied family. She was the representa- 
tive of a different social class. 

PLAYBOY: How did she help you form 
your political views? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: She didn’t help me—it was 
the opposite. She was a counterforce. 
She wanted me 10 make а good career 
during the Communist regime. For this 
Т had to keep silent. I lived my life in 
counterreaction. I didn't have a single 
period when I was satisfied, when every- 
thing was all right. I always struggled 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever convince Calina it 
was better to work outside the system? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, once she saw it could 
give me political dividends. Now that 
I'm known worldwide, she enjoys it. She 
helps me. She's ready to push me even 
more than I want to go. But at first she 
feared this would have only negative 
consequences. 

PLAYBOY: Is your marriage difficult? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes. It’s difficult for me. 
PLAYBOY: How old were you the first time 
you fell in love? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I was eight years old. It 
wasn't falling in love. We had an all-boys 
school, then they mixed us. They put me 
beside a girl and, I don't know why, but 
I kissed her. It was really childish. It 
wasn't love. We were probably just copy- 
ing what we saw around us. Then I real- 
ly fell in love when I was 12 or 13. And 
my real teenage love happened when 1 
was 16 or 17, with my classmate. One of 
them is here on the boat. 1 liked her. I 
liked her a lot. 

PLAYBOY: Are you still in love with your 
wife? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Hmm, 1 feel something, of 


course, toward her. But my feelings and 
energy have always gone to social prob- 
lems. | gave my biggest personal feelings 
10 my mother, and then social problems 
overtook me. It's bad. Private life should 
be the priority. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think about wom- 
enin general? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: There is always a problem 
of sexual passion—love and sexual rela- 
tions with a wife and a lover. People need 
to find harmonious relations or else 
there are always problems, problems. 

[Saturday, August 13: Shortly after five 
P.M., now our regular meeting time, I sit out- 
side the boat's boardroom, off а corridor adja- 
cent to where Zhirinovsky and some of his 
bodyguards sleep. The entrance is guarded by 
four young men wearing business suits or 
sweatsuils and sunglasses, smoking Marlboros 
and carrying two-way radios. I am escorted in 
to meet Zhirinousky, who wears a blue sweat 
suit with a hot-pink Nike logo emblazoned 
across the chest. His sneakers have matching 
stripes 

Today Zhirinovsky is civil but just as unco- 
operative. He still sees our interview as a 
chore. He is constantly surrounded by men: 
old advisors and young aides and bodyguards 
in their late teens and 20s. He makes wise- 
cracks about how I should dress in а more re- 
vealing manner if I want to continue our іп- 
terview. The men in his entourage laugh at 
these comments.) 
PLAYBOY: Do you think a woman could 


become president of Russia? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: A woman could become 
president, but probably not in this 
country. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think women are as in- 
telligent as men? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: 125 a problem of the state 
mentality. It’s hard for women to think 
globally. The president should be a mil- 
itary person; he should understand 
problems of war and peace. Women 
aren't drafted into the army. If the crim- 
inal rate were too high, women would 
feel pity for the criminals. Women have 
some natural minuses. They are more 
tender, modest, loving. You need to be 
tough in the state. 

PLAYBOY: What role should the wife of 
Russia's president play? Should she be 
more active, like Hillary Clinton and 
Raisa Gorbachev, or more traditional, 
like Naina Yeltsin and Barbara Bush? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: The wife of the president 
shouldn't be in the spotlight. Raisa Gor- 
bachev was the cause of Gorbachev's 
negative acts. She helped him make 
some tragic mistakes. 

PLAYBOY: What about Hillary Clinton? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: She also meddles in Clin- 
ton's business. She doesn't let him focus 
on state problems. I think when he was 
governor and not paying proper taxes, 
he was trying to find sources of income 
under her pressure to please her. He 
seeks money for the woman's pleasure. 


to buy her gifis. Women push men to 
crime. 

PLAYBOY: In your speeches you talk about 
the importance of the family. Do you be- 
lieve in marriage? Should you be faithful 
to your wife, or is that just a legal techni- 
cality? [Although Zhirinowskys wife is оп 
board to greet the crowds with him, they sleep 
in separate quariers and have not lived to- 
gether for years. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: It depends on the family. I 
think most people have extramarital af- 
fairs. Social mores are against it, but 
when love is exhausted and the family 
is preserved only for the child, your life 
grows poor. Some affairs between wom- 
еп and men are a physical necessity, but 
sometimes it's just sport. 

PLAYBOY: But personally, how do you feel 
about extramarital affairs? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: In principle, most people 
have a need for ай 
PLAYBOY. In Russia today, morale is low, 
crime is high, decay is everywhere. With- 
out spouting campaign promises, how 
do you think you can cure your country? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: You need to give people a 
big goal, with some kind of ideological 
color to strengthen the state. A new 
Russian army is being created in the 
Caucasus. Our collective farms are in de- 
dine; our intelligentsia wanted pere- 
stroika, but they couldn't show films. 
write books, speak on television or write 
in newspapers. They will turn to us 


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55 


because they weren't given. what they 
wanted. All social classes want new lead- 
ership. There soon will be quite a differ- 
ent psychological dimate. The West— 
and the Russians—have threatened the 
whole world with me, but this will also 
play its own positive role. People want 
power that can frighten them. 

PLAYBOY: But you don't just frighten peo- 
ple. Sometimes you appear foolish— 
even crazy—to the West. How do you re- 
spond to this? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: You've already answered 
the question. You have said we have a 
sick country, that everything is bad. We 
need completely different actions to lead 
this country. If you tear off the leader of 
this country, he will appear abnormal in 
the West. But return him to this sick, ab- 
normal country and there is harmony. 

(Sunday, August 14: At five P.M., I once 
again sit outside the boardroom, chatting with 
the bodyguards, waiting for the interview to 
begin. Volodya, a large 26-year-old body- 
guard, gives me rugalach—jam-filled pastries 
his mother had baked for him when we passed 
through his hometown of Ulyanovsk, which is 
also Lenin's birthplace. Another guard wears 
а Red Hot Chili Peppers T-shirt. Не asks me 
what the phrase means—he's never heard of 
the band. A third young man’s only English 
phrase is: “How many submachine guns do 
you have in your arsenal?” 

Soon another bodyguard rushes over to tell 
me that Zhirinousky is waiting in the board- 
room. As usual, our session begins with Zhiri- 
novsky's saying that this will be my last inter- 
view with him.] 

PLAYBOY: You seem to have a gift for talk- 
ing to crowds. Why are people so attract- 
ed to you? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I talk to them openly about 
their problems. I name the culprits of all 
their misfortunes. I'm able to speak their 
language because I grew up in their 
ranks. It’s easier for me to talk to them in 
their own language. 
PLAYBOY: Do you write your speeches be- 
forehand, or do you improvise on differ- 
ent themes from city to city? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I do it on the spot. I don't 
write speeches and nobody writes them 
for me. Those who prepare speeches or 
have them written by the machinery of 
the state lose. People like it when some- 
body talks to them directly. I just use 
simple words. For example, when the 
economists say that the government's 
voucher-privatization plan didn't turn 
people into owners, I tell them that they 
were deceived once again and that the 
scoundrels are living richer. 

PLAYBOY: Russia is accustomed to having 
one leader—the czars, Lenin, Stalin. 
Are you trying to build а similar cult of 
personality? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: 1 don't build anything on 
purpose. If we happen to give voters the 
image they need, so be it. But as a cult, I 
don't build anything. 

PLAYBOY: But you do. There are pictures 
56 ofyou everywhere. This is not a political 


PLAYBOY 


party that has a lot of names. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: In one party there should 
be only one leader. Parties get weaker 
when they use the principle of collective 
leadership. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever studied theories 
on the power of crowds? Have you read 
Elias Canetti's Crowds and Power, or Wil- 
helm Reich's Mass Psychology of Fascism? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I haven't read anything. 
Everything I do is my own. 

PLAYBOY: So how do you interpret the 
power of the masses? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I don't orient myself to the 
power of the crowd. I do everything nat- 
urally. There have been demonstrations 
with 100,000 people and ones with 200 
people. I think spontaneously, on the 
spot, without preparing. 

PLAYBOY: Has your populist approach on 
this boat—touring villages and cities— 
transformed Russian politics? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: We've introduced a new el- 
ement, for sure. We've become the third 
force: There are the former Commu- 
nists, there's democratic Russia, and 
then there's us 

PLAYBOY: Lately, you have changed your 
image. You no longer say the explosive 
things you once said. Why not? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: The situation is different. 
In 1991 they broke the state and there 
was war. That's why the other reaction 
was necessary. Then, in 1992, they broke 
the economy, Everything depends on 
the situ: b 
PLAYBOY: Do you have any time for 
friendships? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Now there is little time. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have any close friends? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: А few, a few. I've told you, а 
few. I don't have time. 

PLAYBOY: You seem to have a real hosti 
ty toward Western and Russian journal- 
ists. Why? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: І have the same attitude to- 
ward all journalists. I'm sick of them. 
Everyone, foreign or Russian. They've 
asked the same questions for five years. 
I'msick of repeating the same stuff like a 
parrot. You know they ll always write lies 
anyway. They'll always distort the truth 
and write some of their own. 

PLAYBOY: When did you first think it was 
possible for you to become president? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: When I was five or six I 
had a dream that I was passing by the lo- 
cal church, naked except for a shirt. 
‘There was something special in that 
dream. Why did I pass the church in 
such a way? Was this the first blind desire 
or understanding that someone should 
draw his attention to this kid? Was there 
something special in him? It was as if 1 
were observing life and seeing its many 
mistakes. 

PLAYBOY: Could you have become so suc- 
cessful under communism? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: During the Communist 
Party system it was difficult to achieve 
anything without having good relatives 
in high places. As I was from the poor 


class, this wasn't possible. They put their 
relatives in all the top posts and that's 
why it collapsed. Their kids, grandkids, 
nieces and nephews were brought up on 
chewing gum and Pepsi-Cola. They were 
absolutely uninterested in the country. 
All they cared about were good jobs, sta- 
tus and that’s it. 

PLAYBOY Is there something special 
about you, or is it just the specific mo- 
ment in history that has made you polit- 
ically successful in Ru: 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It’s a coincidence—a coin- 
cidence in which the personal qualities 
of one man meet with new times. If I 
would have appeared 20 years ago, 
nothing like this could have happened. 
Or 20 years from now. It just coincided. 
It's chance. Luck. 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe in God? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I believe, I believe. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of god? A Jewish 
god? A Christian god? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: There is only one god, but 
I've alvays related only to the Russian 
Orthodox Church. I've never faced any 
other religion. 

PLAYBOY: There are documents from А1- 
maty that prove your father was Jewish. 
Why do you deny it? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Because he was Russian. 
It’s the same as when people say I was in 
the KGB. I've never been in the KGB, so 
1 can't agree that I was there. I wasn't in 
the KGB. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think about anti- 
Semitism in Russia? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: It has always been here 
and everywhere. 

Did the Communists try to 
on it? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: The Communist Party con- 
trolled everything. They weren't solving 
national problems in the right way. 
PLAYBOY: Will anti-Semitism be used by 
the opposition to end reform or even 
bring civil war to Russia? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: There won't be civil war, 
but there have always been and always 
will be isolated bursts of anti-Semitism in 
Russia. War is undesirable—civil war or 
any other kind. Violence won't bring you 
anything. We'll solve everything with 
economic methods. We don't have anti- 
Semitism in our party. 

PLAYBOY: Let's back up. How do you 
think the average Ivan Ivanovich per- 
ceives you? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: He wants to have solid 
power. Не got tired from a state оҒапаг- 
chy, from fraud and propaganda. He 
wants finally to be told the truth. Not to 
be fooled. 

PLAYEOY: Does he think of you as the per- 
son who can solve his problems? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I promised 1 would. If they 
believe me, good. If not, they'll believe 
someone else. I know I can, and I tell 
them this. It will all be revealed in the 
upcoming elections. 

PLAYEOY: Who is your most serious polit- 
ical threat at this point? 


ZHIRINOVSKY: I don't have one. 

PLAYBOY: Should Americans be afraid 
of you? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: There are some who аге 
afraid of me. This is normal. Here in 
Russia, some of us are afraid of Ameri- 
cans. Some are afraid of the Chinese, 
Turks or Germans. There always exists 
some element of fear. 

PLAYBOY. In Russia, the death rate has 
now surpassed the birthrate. Some Rus- 
sian patriots tried to write a law so that 
the state would pay some women to stay 
home and raise babies. They also wanted 
to make abortion illegal. What do you 
think about this? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: You can't make a woman 
stay home by force. She won't want it. 
But you can intensify the propaganda of 
the family so that it becomes the main 
thing for a young 
woman. 

PLAYBOY. What about 
abortion? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Abortion 
should be legal. I's 
useless to ban it. We 
are for freedom in 
relation to every- 
thing. That's why 
we're called the Liber- 
al Democratic Party. 
PLAYBOY There have 
been stories about you 
and prostitutes, and 
pictures of you in 
saunas and strip bars. 
These create the im- 
pression that you 
don't respect women 
as much as you re- 
spect men 
ZHIRINOVSKY: No, no. 
These are all at- 
tempts, fantasies. I al- 
lowed journalists to 
get too close to me. 
Now I keep them far- 
ther away ] am 
tougher. It's their 
fault. They misused 
the trust. 

PLAYBOY. Why did you 
tell journalists they would have to pay 
$15,000 to board this boat? Don't you 
think that's crazy? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I always ask them. 1 de- 
mand that they pay for any interview. I 
ask them to pay just to get them off me. 
If they don't pay, I get rid of them. 
PLAYBOY: You have already met once with 
Saddam Hussein, and you plan to meet 
with him again. Why? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I don't have links with him. 
That's an Arab world. He invited me. 
PLAYBOY: You're a busy man. Why go? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: When he invited me I was 
less busy. IL was two years ago. 

PLAYBOY: But you're planning to go there 
in October 1994. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, we're going there in 
October. We want to lift the embargo on 


Iraq. He owes Russia money and he's 
rcady to give it back. We're not going to 
Algeria or Tunisia. [Zhirinovsky did not 
meet with Saddam Hussein in October 1994.] 
PLAYBOY: Will your visit actually bring 
you the money? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: It will speed up the possi- 
bility of lifting the embargo and bringing 
back money owed to Russi 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of Bill Clin- 
ton? Do you respect him? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: He has shown his weakness 
by refusing to meet with me in February 
1993. Throughout the world they usual- 
ly meet the leader of the party that won 
the elections. I don't understand these 
tactics of his. I would never go to Ameri- 
ca and meet only those who lost the elec- 
tions while refusing to meet those who 
won. In this way he interferes in the in- 


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ternal affairs of Russia, ignoring the ma- 
jority of voters. So there is nothing good 
in this position. 

PLAYBOY: Nixon met with you. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Nixon had a task to meet 
with all the leaders of the opposition, to 
understand the political alliances. But he 
insulted me on his return. He didn't ar- 
gue with me, but he said something— 
like I'm a demagogue. 

PLAYBOY: Is President Clinton making a 
mistake by supporting only Yeltsin? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, but there is a part of 
Congress that has started to turn to oth- 
ег political forces. 

PLAYBOY: Is Clinton a good president? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Let the Americans decide 
that, But, according to some political 
pundits, he is the second most unpopu- 


lar president. Decay has begun. He'll қо 
down in history as one of the founders of 
the decline of America: 

PLAYBOY: What have you learned from 
three years in the spotlight? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It’s all about experience. 
It’s like driving а car: The more you 
drive, the better you steer. 

PLAYBOY: Be specific. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Its about the ability to 
speak to every audience, to maneuver 
faster, to identify your enemies, to pre- 
vent a split among your supporters, to 
get more money, to get experience in 
everything. Experience, that's all I want. 
PLAYBOY: You've been going at it all day. 
How much time do you normally need 
to sleep? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Sleep, sleep. Rest from you 
journalists. I'm getting so sick of you that 
I hide from you with 
great pleasure. 

That's all! 

[Monday, August 15: 
This interview is а lit- 
tle easier. Zhirinovsky 
is more personable. He 
drinks tea and eats pat- 
ties stuffed with potatoes 
and meat, slurping and 
gobbling without inhi- 
bition. The bodyguards 
and Zhirinovsky's 21- 
year-old son, Igor, sit qui- 
etly їп the background. 
As usual, my translator, 
Masha, is seated тех 
to me. А breeze runs 
through the room. The 
sun is fading and a gray 
half-moon floats above 
the Volga.] 
ZHIRINOVSKY: This is 
the last time you can 
interview me. [Jo Igor 
and the bodyguards) 1 
told them to come in 
topless, You're too soft 
with them. [Back to me] 
You're raping me all 
the time. You're rap- 
ing all these men 
around you and they 
are reacting. Are you leaving tomorrow 
or today? You will leave tomorrow and 
that will be the end. 

MASHA PAVLENKO [Tò Zhirinovsky] Are you 
tired of such a determined woman as 
Jennifer? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: As а woman, no. I don't 
feel she is a woman. We never get tired 
from women. 

PLAYBOY: How do you see capitalism and 
socialism mixing in Russia? Should the 
state keep paying for health care and 
bring back other social services such as 
day care? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: It’s like this in the world 
and people got used to it. (70 others] 
Don't you think the girls should have 
some tea? Probably not, they re working. 

[He pours a cup of tea into а half-filled jar 


57 


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It’s right that our people count on the 
state to take care of all this. You should 
always have a house, food and a job. 
Why should people live without these 
clementary comforts? But let private 


should be 
modeled on a socialist-oriented capitalist 
county, like Switzerland or Canada? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: For us, the Asian count 
are closer, like India or China. They're 
vast territories with big populations. 
Switzerland, America, Canada—these 
are all artificial countries. We should 
[model ourselves on] classical countries 
with thousands of years of history. 
PLAYBOY: In our first interview session, 
you said you'd force all the criminals to 
move to the Caucasus. But you know 
you'd never do such a thing, so why say it? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: On the contrary. This will 
bring the best result. 

PLAYBOY: But —— 

ZHIRINOVSKY: They say Zhirinovsky 
makes empty promises. They are right 
in a general way. You can't do all this— 
feed everyone, restore borders—in the 
ordinary way. But I can't tell everyone 
openly what kind of measures we could 
ultimately take. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: People don't understand 
cverything in the right мау. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about world leaders. 
What do you think of Fidel Castro? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I've never met him. It’s a 
mistake to express opinions about рео- 
ple you've never met. Some people сх- 
press opinions about me here and 
abroad and they've never spoken with 
me. I think that's obscenc. They write 
that I refused to acknowledge my father, 
but I am probably the most tender, lov- 
ing son. Nobody has boasted to the 
world about their father and mother the 
way I have, 

[He asks his aides to hand him his biogra- 
phy, and flips through it, pointing to pictures 
of his parents.) 

They're always saying Zhirinovsky is 
so bad, refusing to acknowledge his fa- 
ther. But they've never talked with me. 
[Points to a photograph] Thi: 
I'm proud of him. I love 
denly some mean people wrote that I re- 
fused to acknowledge my parents. I pub- 
lished the best picture of my mother. You 
can't have more respect and love toward 
your parents 

It's the same with Fidel Castro. I don't 
know what kind of person he is. From 
his outward appearance, he's a very 
courageous man. He was so dose to 
America and yet he was able to imple- 
ment a political structure in opposition 
to America. But there was one mistake: 
Cuba could never survive by itself, and it 
started to lean on us. They should have 
understood that Ru: and the Soviet 
Union would not constantly be giving 


them money. And it finally stopped. 
PLAYBOY: As president, would you help 
Castro by reinstating economic aid? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: 1—5 possible. It would not 
be difficult to supply Cuba with the same 
things the Soviet Union gave them. In 
exchange it wouldn't be bad to have re- 
sorts in Cuba. Today's planes can carry 
thousands of people each day. We could 
also use Cuban soldiers instead of Rus- 
sians in the Caucasus and central Asia. 
PLAYBOY: Would you like to meet Castro? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I'm always in favor of mak- 
ing contacts, no matter with whom. 

For example, if you want to surrender 
yourself to me, I could enter into an i 
mate relationship with you. If you don't 
want to, | won't even 
think about ru 


weaker. The Islamic fundamentalists will 
win in Russia and then destroy Israel. 
PLAYBOY: How? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: The Muslim world borders 
on Israel and Russia. When the Arabs, 
Turks and Persians unite, they are half a 
ion. The total number of Muslims is 
already reaching 1 billion. They will de- 
stroy Israel and smash Russia to pieces 
through the Caucasus and the Balkans, 
and they'll get to western Europe. The 
Germans already don't know how to 
cope with millions of Turks. The French 
are suffering with the Arabs in Paris. By 
2000, Paris will become an Arab сиу. 
This is what French sociologists say. 

So it's a mistake of the Israeli leaders 


comes stronger. what impact will this 
have on Russia? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Germany may begin the 
new century with a powerful thrust. It 
will dominate over Slovenia, Croatia, 
Austria and Moravia. Then it will de- 
mand back Prussia and part of Poland. 
Then it will influence Holland, Den- 
mark, Belgium and Luxembourg. A new 
stage will begin. It's hard to notice this 
now, but it could appear. 
PLAYBOY: Should Americans be investing 
in Russia? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Let everybody invest. But 
they shouldn't think they'll get the same 
profits as in the colonies. To invest in or- 
der to help Russia, do so with pleasure. 
But to invest in or- 


der to bring about as 


just enter into an 


intimate relationship 
with your translator. 


much profit as possi- 
ble, this is hopeless. 
PLAYBOY: Will there 


And if she doesn't 
want to, then I won't 
do anything at all. 
ГИ go and play the 
piano. ГЇ go and 
breathe fresh 
have no fanatic 
all, and І 
cause of this. 

PLAYBOY: Lers con- 
tinue with other «7 
world leaders. How 
about Yasir Arafat? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Arafat 
is just Arafat. What 
can I say? I don't like 
his clothes. He's con- 
stantly wrapping his 
head in all those 
rags. He's always 
threatening to de- 
stroy Israel. And Is- 
rael shakes hands 
and signs treaties 
with him—and then 


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ever be a rue democ- 
racy in Russia? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Russia 
has more reasons [to 
be a] dictatorship, but 
not a dictator like 
General Pinochet, It's 
more like in Germany 
with marck, or the 
authoritarian regime 
of Charles de Gaulle. 
PLAYBOY: Which do 
you want to be, dicta- 
tor or president? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It will all 
be explained when 
we win. It will depend 
on what will be the 
more efficient situa- 
tion. Now, in Chech- 
nya, a huge number 
оГ people will perish, 
but this vill happen 
in a democratic way. 
If this illegal regime 


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all because the crazy Sa CCP ME two years ago, ten 
people are making > Department 500735 э |. ims "ис "peuple 
poli Guy Siping bull acts Qo ta 3 would have died. This 
PLAYBOY: What about un fecberüscensspdlirgodomewneswk)  |E regime is dying, but 


Yitzhak Rabin? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Gener- 
ally, I don't know any of them. 

PLAYBOY. Should the Palestinians have 
Jerusalem? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: What for? I think just the 
opposite. They should give more bor- 
ders to Israel, like southern Lebanon. 
PLAYBOY: And the occupied territories? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: You have to find those 
forces that will guarantee the borders, 
and then put an end to the resistance in 
the Middle East. 

PLAYBOY: It seems that Israel and Russia 
should be working more closely to com- 
bat Islamic fundamentalism. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, but Israel doesn't un- 
derstand this. They attack me. Israel 
should be helping our party, yet they are 
helping those who want to make Russia 


[not to understand this]. If the Commu- 
nists come to power, they will again help 
the Arabs. If the right-wing patriots 
come to power, it will be the same— 
they'll even intensify anti-Semitism. Our 
party's policy is the most civilized. 

I think Israel should pay mea $10 mil- 
lion honorarium just for writing my 
book, The Last Thrust to the South. It's 
about the salvation of the state and an 
immediate weakening of the Islamic 
world. But only Russia can do this. 
America has already exhausted itself, 
and if Germany ever again becomes the 
most powerful state in Europe, it will al- 
so be very bad for Israel. That's why Is- 
rael should look at our party differently. 
PLAYBOY: If, as you suggest, Germany be- 


it has brought moral 
damage for two years. 
[As rLAvbOY went to press, Russian troops 
had begun fighting in Chechnya.] 

PLAYBOY: In August 1993 the CIA station 
chief in Georgia was killed shortly after 
the U.S. press reported that the CIA was 
training Shevardnadze's bodyguards. Is 
it dangerous for the U.S. to be involved 
in the former Soviet republics? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes. There will be nothing 
positive from the Americans. The faster 
they get out of here the better. America 
has a bad future. In ten years it vill be in 
the same situation we're in today. 
PLAYBOY: Besides Georgia, where else is 
America intervening? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: In central Asia. In the 
Baltics. They're trying everywhere. [For- 
mer secretary of state James] Baker 


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toured the republics as if they were 
American states. America took part in 
the events of the October 1993 rebellion. 
It helped to overthrow the Supreme 5о- 
viet. Israeli guerrillas, together with Rus- 
sian special intelligence services and Dem- 
ocratic Russia, conducted an operation 
to liquidate the former parliament. 10- 
day, the anti-American mood is growing 
everywhere, even within the bank struc- 
tures and the economy. It was the Amer- 
icans who started Democratic Russia. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you encourage, even 
young Russian men to become 
mercenaries in war zones such as Bosnia? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: There are some young 
guys who really need war. It is some kind 
of a patriotic need to defend the ortho- 
dox Slavic world. 105 also profitable for 
us, in an economic and military sense, to 
have an alliance with Serbia. 
PLAYBOY: You are surrounded by body- 
guards. Are you afraid of assassination? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It's all a matter of fate. 
There could even be an accident with 
this boat. Every year boats sink. Risk isin 
every action. Ordinary pedestrians per- 
ish on the streets more frequently than 
leaders of political parties. 
PLAYBOY: Is it possible that Yeltsin might. 
want you killed, as one of your body- 
guards has suggested? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: He can, he can, he can. 
PLAYBOY: Has he already tried? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Maybe not himself, but 
some nf his intelligence agents. 
PLAYBOY: When the boat stopped in 
Kazan, the crowd was tense, even hos- 
tile. People were chanting, "Fascist! Fas- 
cist!” Did you like that? Did it give you a 
rush of power? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Of course. Hostility inten- 
sifies our strength. I used to address 
crowds much better when they were hos- 
tile. Now, with all this applause and flow- 
ers and praise, I'm decaying, decaying. 
It’s better when there's resistance, but 
minimum danger. 

[The boat approaches the town of Togliatti. 
A silver-haired advisor presses Zhirinovsky to 
end our session.] 
PLAYBOY: One question about women. In 
your book, you say the first time you re- 
ally liked a girl, you wanted to have sex 
but she said no. You write that later you 
realized when a woman says no, she real- 
ly means yes. Can you explain? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, yes. It was very hard 
for me to understand this—that women 
frequently deceive by not saying what 
they think. Consequently, you also have 
to deceive them, not telling them what 
you want but what they want to hear. I 
transferred this concept to politics and 
achieved great success. For example, in- 
stead of saying, “I like Jennifer and the 
interpreter"—instead of caressing you— 
l am rejecting you. In the same way, 
thousands of voters are standing there 
and waiting for me. This decays me. 
PLAYBOY: Can you achieve what you want 
with words, or is force sometimes neces- 


sary—in politics and with women? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Both. Eighty percent is talk 
and 20 percent is force. If you do it vice 
versa, it will be a dictatorship. We need 
democracy. But some violence із ге- 
quired. Justa little bit, sometimes, eh? 

That's all. Finished. 

[Tuesday, August 16: The routine is set. 
Early in the day I stand beside Zhirinovsky on 
the deck of the ship as he waves to the crowds. 
We are leaving Sarata and heading to the 
small town of Balakovo. When I ask if we'll be 
having our regular interview, he says: “Jen- 
nifer should be dressed with fewer layers. Its 
upsetting not to have her as a woman.” His 
entourage laughs, as usual. At five ғ.м., Гат 
silting on the sofa outside the boardroom when 
а bodyguard tells me there will be no inter- 
view—Zhirinovshy is loo busy. I decide to stay 
where Гат, and at nine v.m., a young blond 
aide summons me end ту translator, Masha, 
to the boardroom. Inside, Zhirinovsky is seat- 
ed. A Russian book on Tatar nationalism resis 
оп his knees, and his reading glasses are on 
the table. He gestures to Masha.) 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I have a feeling she is a vir- 
gin. I like her more than you. I haven't 
seen such a pure girl for so long. She 
makes such a-womanly impression, so 
very sexually developed. She's kind, 
mild, meck. This is the style I love. Тһе 
more contact І have, the more desire I 
have to touch her hand, to stroke it, to 
kiss it. And then you can write that I am 
inclined to be a womanizer. Then you'll 
conclude in your article that everything 
ended in group sex. “Look, he is a зехи- 
al maniac!” 

[Zhirinovsky points to one of his young 
bodyguards, Vitaly, who sits beside me record- 
ing the interview. Another bodyguard sits by 
the door] 

PLAYBOY: Do you enjoy flirting? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: 1 don't have enough time, 
but of course I love it. [Gesturmg to the 
book on Tatar nationalism] They аге pub- 
lishing anti-Russian books. 

PLAYBOY: Our last talk ended with a dis- 
cussion about the use of force with 
women and in politics. How much is re- 
ally needed in politics? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Sometimes events occur 
that require it. Today, for example, the 
situation in Chechnya requires force. It's 
not our desire to use force, it’s just not 
possible to do anything else. You can't 
stop cholera—or Chechens—with talk. 
PLAYBOY: Under communism, homosex- 
uality was a crime, but not any longer. 
What are your thoughts on homosexual- 
ity? Is it normal? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Homosexuality is a sputnik 
[traveling companion] of human history. 
But there are no normal conditions for 
harmonious sexual relations. You can 
compare it to anti-Semitism. For anu- 
Semitism to disappear, all Jews should 
move to Israel. After 100 years, Israel 
would be like Ethiopia or Egypt. Every- 
one would know there wasa Jewish state 
and there would be no mass Jewish com- 


munities in other states. There would be 
no anti-Semitism. 

Ir's the same with sexual morality. If 
people get married, or have sexual rela- 
tions, as soon as they have the desire, or 
are not isolated in the army or in pris- 
ons, then maybe in 100 or 200 or 300 
years, homosexuality will disappear. 

These are the sputniks of human his- 
tory. Contradictions are necessary. You 
can't get rid of revolutionaries, even in 
the most ideal societies. There will al- 
ways be deviations. If we take away anti- 
Semitism, they will find something else. 
Feople need to fight against something, 
to have an obstacle and to overcome it. 
PLAYBOY: You're 48 years old. Is this your 
best age? Have you reached your prime, 
ог have you passed it? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I think 45 to 60 are the 
golden years, maybe 40 to 60. It's when 
a person achieves wisdom. I'm just in the 
middle of this age and that’s the best. Af- 
ter 60, a person begins to fade away, and 
before 40 he's a little bit of an extremist. 
If I were under 40, 1 would have already 
entered into an intimate relationship 
with your translator. По Masha] What's 
your name? 

MASHA: Masha. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: With Masha, I would have 
already entered into an intimate rela- 
tionship. But at my age, 1 don't do this. 
And if I were 60, I probably would have 
presented her with a chocolate bar and 
felt pity toward her. But before 40. there 
is extremism and this is dangerous. The 
majority of crimes, especially гаре, are 
committed by young people. А man over 
40 never rapes. 

PLAYBOY How much of an extremist 
were you in your youth? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: In my youth I wanted to do 
everything fast, out of a fear that tomor- 
row would be too late. But with years I 
discovered it's better to do things slower. 
You need years to understand this. 
"That's why a person should get married 
as late as possible. The main reason for 
marriage is the desire to have a constant. 
sexual partner. People are moved more 
by animal instinct than by the moral de- 
sire to enter marriage. 

PLAYBOY: Are you a womanizer or is it all 
Just talk? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: 1 fell in love easily іп my 
younger years. After 40, I entered a slow 
riverbed, but before I wanted to have as 
many women as possible. 

PLAYBOY: Did you have them, or did you 
just want to? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I had and had. It was al- 
most like a sport. Every new woman was 
a little victory. That's the psychology of 
young men. The more women he has, 
the stronger he is considered to be. Like 
a hunter. The more you kill, the luckier 
you are. The same with this. But, of 
course, it’s a mistake. When we do get it, 
we learn that quality is more important. 
than quantity. 

PLAYBOY Lets go back to your public 


61 


PLAYBOY 


appeal. Although you're not president, 
12 million people voted for you in the 
1993 parliamentary elections. Has this 
corrupted you in any way? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: For me, possession of par- 
tial power has been a negative. I have be- 
come less expressive. I'm fading away, 
dying, because of the flowers and ap- 
plause. It dampens my ardor. But I 
would never become politically corrupt. 
I can preserve my purity. I'm ready to 
keep living in the same apartment, wear 
the same clothes, eat simple meals. I'm. 
not interested in dachas, foreign cars or 
foreign resorts. Іп this way, it will be 
difficult to push me away. 

PLAYBOY The ЕВІ set up an office in 
Moscow. How do you feel about that? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: If the FBI is in Moscow, 
then let the Russian Criminal Justice Po- 
lice be in New York. There should be an 
equal exchange. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think the FBI is 
really doing here? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Espionage. Everybody is 
spying—including the journalists. All of 
these diplomats, and especially the FBI. 
Everyone is a spy, а spy, а spy. 

PLAYBOY: Why does the government let 
them stay? 

ZHIRINOVSKY. There's a weak govern- 
ment today that destroys everything. 
It's like a sick person who is ready for 
anything. 

PLAYBOY: Although capital punishment 
still exists in Russia, Yeltsin has put strict. 
limits on it. Yet you have said that, be- 
cause crime is so bad, criminals should 
be executed on the spot. Where do you 
now stand on capital punishment? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Capital punishment isn't 
profitable—so why kill? You can use 
these people for jobs that will kill them 
anyway Like in the uranium mines, 
where the person will perish but still 
bring some public benefit. But execute 
him just to scare the rest of the popula- 
tion? No. 

PLAYBOY How do you propose to turn 
Russia into 2 state of law with the mafıya 
still in existence? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: There will come a psycho- 
logical moment. If there is a change of 
leadership, the army will strengthen and 
crime will go down. There will be no war 
in the regions because everybody who 
carries guns illegally will be disarmed. 
Its the same as Russia from 1917 to 
1924, or 1945 to 1950. There were also 
wild outbursts of crime then, but you can 
overcome it if you start to fight it. 
PLAYBOY: Does Russia need some kind of 
cleansing process to rid the state of the 
old elite, the way Germany tried to rid it- 
self of Nazi leadership after the war? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: A so-called "departyiza- 
tion" has been going on for nine years. 
PLAYBOY: Should Russia open its KGB 
files so citizens will know who the in- 
formers were, the way the East Germans 


62 opened the Stasi files? 


ZHIRINOVSKY: The powerful aren't inter- 
ested in this because many leaders of the 
new democratic movements were them- 
selves informers. Our regime will try to 
rely more on people who were never 
party members. You need a person on 
top who was never linked to the Com- 
munist Party to lead the country toward 
purification. 

[Suddenly restless] Let's turn to the sex- 
ual part, because Vitaly can't stand it 
anymore. He's a maniac. He is actually 
19, at the height of his sexual power. 
And yes, Jennifer, yes—it's good. He has 
lost his mind for Jennifer. 

[Vitaly sits on my right. At one point his leg 
lighily brushes mine. Then he begins, slowly, 
to move my chair, which is on wheels. I tell him 
to stop.] 

PLAYBOY: There is so much xenophobia 
in Russia—hatred and tension. Why? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Because there's too much 
propaganda. In the past we watched 
Italian and French movies without feel- 
ing xenophobic. And people bought for- 
eign goods freely. But today, people see 
this is a fraud, an attempt to show us а 
new way of life without supplying the 


Right here, 
now. You'd like 
to make love in 

this weather? 
Right now, the 


four of us. 


economic conditions for it. This causes 
tension. We have not always been xeno- 
phobic, but today there are basically on- 
ly foreign movies on every channel. It's 
too much. People have a right to watch 
their own movies, programs about their 
own culture. 

PLAYBOY: Whom do you depend on most 
in the world? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: On myself, just myself. 
PLAYBOY: Besides you. Isn't there anyone 
you couldn't live without? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: No, I don't have апу one 
person. But it's not a problem. Of 
course, I want to have people close to me 
whom I love and who love me. But to 
live your life just for the sake of another, 
that's a tragedy. 

PLAYBOY: Doesn't that get lonely? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: [t was in my younger years. 
But when a person enters a more ma- 
ture age, he has a much calmer attitude 
about everything. All the rest are just 
dreams, dreams, dreams. 

PLAYBOY: Would you describe yourself as 
brilliant? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: [ never try to elevate my- 
self artificially, or to be occupied with 


self-love. I don't do that because I know 
my disadvantages. 
PLAYBOY: What are they? What are your 
Worst traits? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: If I suffer from some big 
vice, it's probably that I'm sometimes se- 
vere. 1 may be too abrupt in criticizing 
someone, though I'm usually doing it 
for the right reasons. 
PLAYBOY: Аге your political advisors try- 
ing to change your image to make you 
appear less extreme? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Sometimes they give ad- 
vice, but I never li 
PLAYBOY: Why not? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Because they can't get into 
my soul. They don't know how every- 
thing happens to me, so it's useless to 
make reprimands. It’s like driving a саг: 
You have to feel it yourself. You can't tell 
someone when to put the brakes on— 
you have to feel the car. 
PLAYBOY: So there's по one special person 
you listen to, and you don't take advice 
from your aides. Isn't there someone 
you feel compelled to consult before you 
do something important? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Rain. [He gestures to his win- 
dow.] When it rains this way it's good to 
make love. 105 quiet, it's warm, not to 
think about anything. And you, Jennifer, 
you've been bothering me for such a 
long time. 
PLAYBOY: There must be someone you 
confide in. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Right here, now. You d like 
to make love in this weather? Right now, 
the four of us. You don't need anything 
else. Such calm weather. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever done that be- 
fore—with four people? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It's the best when it’s with 
a group. 
PLAYBOY: You've tried it? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Of course. I love to watch 
more. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you like to watch? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: To see how the others do it. 
To see the mistakes. Plus, Ет lazy. It in- 
spires me to see the passion of youth 
PLAYBOY Do you think passion dies as 
you get older? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Of course. A person even- 
tually dies away. 
PLAYBOY: Has the passion in you died? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It hasn't died away. But 
with more experience, a person simply 
becomes calmer toward everything. 
PLAYBOY: Is that good or bad? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It’s good in the sense that 
he is less disappointed and suffers less, 
but life does become more gray. During 
the years of stagnation [the Brezhnev 
era], we thought this would last a long 
time. It's disgusting. We are tired of it. 
It's been the same for the past nine 
years. Nine years of this revolution have 
tired me the same as 20 years of so-called 
perestroika. 

There are changes every day and so 

(continued on page 150) 


Есе. ч. 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He keeps the tux for formal occasions—like watching the laser disc version of Casablanca. He 
keeps the wine on hand for impromptu toasts—her promotion, the end of the baseball strike. 
PLAYBOY readers know how to turn a meal into a celebration, or something more. Twelve percent 
of all the wine that Americans consume is drunk by men who read PLAYBOY, and they know 
that every year is a vintage one for their favorite men's magezine. (Source: 1994 Spring MRI.) 


mie 


63 


Why do young women want older теп? 
Why do kids need stay-at-home moms? 


Why is monogamy doomed to fail? 
Why are guys so wild? 


Author Robert Wright's 


answers to these questions 
may change the way you look at the world 


OBERT WRIGHT is hold- 
ing forth on the sub- 
ject of chimpanzee testi- 
cles when an attractive young 
waitress approaches the table. He 
freezes midsentence and waits in awk- 
ward silence. Only when she is out of 
earshot does he resume speaking. 

You would think Wright would be 
used to raising eyebrows. His latest 
book, The Moral Animal, about the field 
of evolutionary psychology, caused a 
stir the moment it was previewed in 
Time magazine last summer. The cover 
of the magazine showed a broken wed- 
ding ring and, in large letters, the word 
INFIDELITY, followed by a statement that 
caused more than a little uneasiness 
within many a married couple: rr MAY 
BE IN OUR GENES. Since then, Wright's 
findings have been argued over by 
feminists, the religious right and any- 
one who has even heard of his provoca- 
tive book. 

The Moral Animal—based on Wright's 
extensive research—is a scientific 
worldview that explains how we got to 
be the way we are. Starting where 
Charles Darwin left off, Wright argues 
that our every emotional, psychological 
and biological impulse is determined 
by evolution. There is, he says, one 
thing that motivates us: "All any animal 
is designed to do is to get its genes in- 


to the next generation.” That is why ме 
feel lust, competitiveness, jealousy and 
even love. Wright maintains that the 
reason older men leave their wives for 
beautiful 18-year-olds is not just that 
they may be immature scoundrels in 
mid-life crises, as some believe, but also 
that the need to procreate is deeply 
embedded in their psyches by сеп 
turics of evolution. That's also why we 
occasionally give spare change to a 
bum on the street. The implications of 
Wright's research are surprising. They 
explain how Johnny Carson is respon- 
sible for the fact that some guys have a 
hard time getting dates and why femi- 
nism may well go against the basic na- 
ture of women 

Wright, a columnist for The Меш Re- 
public and a contributor to The New 
Yorker, The Atlantic Monthly and Time, 
lives in Washington, D.C. and has 
passed along his genes, with the help of 
his wife of 15 years, to two children. He 
has a boyish shock of brown hair that is 
parted on the side, curious eyes behind 
thick-lensed glasses and, if we are to 
believe his theories, testicles that are 
larger than the average gorilla's. 


тмлувоу: If you were going to write 
personal ads for a man and a woman 


article by David Sheff 


ILLUSTRATION BY TIM O'BRIEN 


PLAYBOY 


based on evolutionary psychology, what 
would each say? 

weicht: The premise to the field is that 
all basic human traits exist because 
they helped to get genes into the next 
gencration. As crass as that sounds, it 
is the criterion that has designed our 
biology, including the human mind. 
We're not conscious of it, but it's all 
in there. So the ads would be exactly 
the kinds of ads you see now: Fortyish 
man looking for younger woman. Wom- 
an looking for financially secure man. 
These are euphemisms. 

PLAYBOY: Is there a reason men are at- 
tracted to younger women? 

wRIGHT: Men are unconsciously look- 
ing for fertile women. Youthfulness, of 
course, implies fertility. 

PLAYBOY: 15 this why men sometimes 
leave their wives for younger women? 
WRIGHT: Yes, but it's not that they're 
obeying a desertion impulse. They're 
obeying a polygamous impulse. It's just 
that in our society polygamy is illegal, 
so they have to choose between wives. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think polygamy is 
more natural than monogamy? 
WRIGHT: Of the 1200 or so cultures that 
have been studied, all but 150 have 
been polygamous. When you look at 
male promiscuity in primates, there is 
a correlation between the sizes of the 
male and the female in the species. So 
we сап use body size to tell a primate’s 
polygamy rating—that is, how likely it 
would be that one male would have 
multiple mates. Male gorillas have 
much bigger bodies than female goril- 
las, and one male can have a harem of 
females. Our body size shows that, 
compared with other primates, we are 
mildly polygamous—more than gib- 
bons, animals that have only one mate, 
but not as much as gorillas, which have 
many mates, 

тілушоу: What happens when mildly 
polygamous creatures like you and me 
attempt to adhere to monogamy? 
wricHt: That's the trick, isn't it? Our 
impulses are controllable. That's what 
makes us moral animals. 
PLAYBOY: But are you saying tha 
evitable that, like Jimmy Carter, we lust 
in our hearts? 

weicht: Yes, though whether we 
should try to confine it to lusting in our 
hearts is itself an interesting question. 
175 unresolved. Is it a better strategy 
not to even look at women on the 
street, because that will only lead your 
mind in directions that aren't good for 
your marriage? Or is it better to go for 
it and get it out of your system? 
PLAYBOY: You've just given some men 
the excuse they've been looking for. 
WRIGHT: Theoretically perhaps, but it 
seems unlikely that it would be possible 
to get sex out of your system. In reality, 


the more sex а man gets, the more he 
wants. At the same time, there are 
some real psychological costs to repres- 
sion. There are marriage counselors 
who make tons of money by convincing 
men that if they feel any kind of adul- 
terous impulse it means something is 
wrong with their marriages. That's just 
not the case. It’s normal for both men 
and women to feel disenchanted and 
even to feel extracurricular attractions. 
It's what you do with it that matters. 
pLayeoy: But if monogamy is contrary 
to our nature, why should we fight the 
urge to stray? 

weist: If you have egalitarian politi- 
cal values, monogamy makes sense. 
Truly polygamous societies are very 
ugly. In a truly polygamous society, 
high-status men monopolize the sexual 
resources of women at the expense of 
low-status men. Because of this, there 
tends to be a lot of violence emanating 
from the low-status men. That's why 
we try to be monogamous, though we 
have a sort of de facto polygamy in our 
culture. It's manifested in serial mo- 
nogamy—that is, men going from wife 
to wife. In this way, a high-status man 
who would gather many wives in a 
polygamous culture goes through a se- 
ries of young wives—one at a time. 
Johnny Carson has had a series of 
young wives. А less fortunate guy 
somewhere is left womanles. This 
causes discontent. It’s a fact that most 
violent crime is committed by unmar- 
ried men. 

PLAYBOY: Is that why men feel posses- 
sive toward their mates? 

WRIGHT: It's completely natural for 
men to treat women as property, 
though this does not mean that the in- 
clination is good or beyond control. 
What O.]. Simpson is accused of doing 
isn't natural per se, but the impulse of 
jealous rage is. Jealous, violent rage is 
natural for a man. You can even argue 
that killing a wayward spouse, or at 
least killing the man she's sleeping 
with, could have had a genetic payoff 
during evolution. If O.J. killed any- 
body at all, it would have made more 
sense if he had killed only the man, the 
competitor, and physically punished 
the woman. If you kill her, any lessons 
she might learn from your violence 
won't be put to good use. 

pLavsov: Do any animals kill mates who 
stray? 

weicht: Baboons physically keep their 
mates in line. But of course, none of 
this means that our culture should not 
take a stand and punish anyone who 
fails to control the impulse. 

playboy: You've explained why men 
fall for young women, but why do 
women respond to older men? 
WRIGHT: A woman needs two things to 
fulfill her genetic destiny: a man who 


can impregnate her and one who can 
care for her and her young. It makes 
sense for a woman to be attracted to a 
successful man who can provide for 
her. It's why women aren't interest- 
ed in the kind of anonymous sex that 
men like. They have a stake in follow- 
through. It's why men like pornogra- 
phy in which the sex is explicit and 
anonymous, while women want emo- 
tional involvement. 

Women do not often fantasize about 
having anonymous sex with a series of 
men. You're never going to find a cul- 
ture where magazines such as Playgirl 
are more successful than magazines 
such as PLAYBOY. You're never going to 
find a culture where most of the pros- 
titutes are men. It boils down to the 
fact that women are designed to focus 
more exclusively on the quality of the 
mate than the quantity. Furthermore, 
they are designed to incorporate such 
things as emotional attachment. into 
the calculus of quality. It can explain 
why a woman might cheat on her 
spouse. 

PLAYBOY: But you said women are the 
ones who want follow-through 
WRIGHT: Yes, but it is possible that the 
way for a woman to get the best ofboth 
worlds is to get good genes from one 
man and investment in the children 
from another. We know that women 
who cheat are morc likely to do so 
during ovulation, when they can get 
Pregnant. 
PLAYBOY: They're screwing around to 
find good sperm stock? 
wricitr: Right, even though it's an un- 
Conscious motivation. And you can 
imagine other scenarios. A woman can 
use sex to gain resources from a man. 
When that is the case, she may uncon- 
sciously have sex with a certain kind of 
man only when she's not ovulating. А 
female friend of minc once said she 
needed help from a guy to move some 
furniture. She said, *I could tell that. 
part of the implicit deal was that I sleep 
with him," and she did. I thought, This 
docsn't make any sense. She was get- 
ting such a meager gain for surrendei 
ing this precious good—her egg. But 
then I realized that maybe she wasn't 
ovulating, and though she didn't un- 
derstand that logic, that's exactly what 
happened. She fooled him. 
PLAYBOY: So you're saying that decep- 
tion is a natural trait, too. 
WRIGHT: A great deal of our behavior 
developed just so we would get what 
we want, or at least what we need. Тһе 
reason men need to feel that they сап 
trust a mate, for instance, is that they 
cannot always be around to monitor 
her. But many primates are suspicious 
of their mates when they are away. А 
(continued on page 146) 


"I have io go now, Howard. Here comes ту ride." 


67 


ӘЛЕ 
WOMEN 


MEET THE DAREDEVILS 
WHO DO HOLLYWOOD'S 
DIRTY WORK 


HEY get shot, tossed out of 
planes, trains and automo- 
biles. And unlike stuntmen, 


stuntwomen usually have to look good 
doing it until the director gets the shot. 
^We love directors who use the first 
take," says Dana Hee, who did Sandra 
Bullock's bullet-dodging in Demolition 
Man. Those flames and explosions are 
real, says Dana. Movie magic often 
means no more than getting the stars 
out of harm's way and putting doubles 
there. Still, there are benefits. Some- 
times a stuntwoman gets a job nobody 
else could do quite as well. Just ask Al- 
isa Christensen, now appearing in The 
End. “1 kill a man with a shotgun blast," 
she says, "and 1 do it topless." 


Cheryl Rusa (lef), a former pro wrestler, is 
о horseback-stunt specialist. She tours os 
а star of a traveling shaw, Zoppe's Wild, 
Wonderful World af Herses. A childhaod 
accident put Cheryl in a body cast for two 
years. “When | got out af thet cast, І wasn't 
afraid of anything.” Recently, when a jerk 
ot a bar grabbed her, she decked him with 
опе punch. Kathleen Conway (right and 
above) doubled for Jamie Lee Curtis in True 
Lies. "I remember ducking a lot of flying 
glass,” says Kathleen, who prefers straight 
acting rales, which are safer. Of her ride 
оп John Sarviss' Hughes 5000 helicopter, 
she says, "I wanted to do it nude." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


Jean Malahni was Linda 
Homiltar's double in The Terfnis 
natar. Dealing with Ато ох 
na sweat for Jean, whosefmath- 
er was a cop and whose father 
was a fireman. Since then, she's 
doubled far Rebecca De Marnay, 
Morgan Brittany, Playmate Kim- 
berly McArthur (in Slumber Party 
Massacre II} and others. “lim 
mast praud of being a single 
КОА, mom and raising twa dough- 
x ters," says Jean, whase fall to 
the tracks in Runaway Train is a 
ssstuntebiz legend. 


Alisa Christensen ads а dan- 
geraus as she looks. An actress 
ond former stand-up comic, she 
hos rumbled in riots ond Бог 
fights in o dozen films, including 
Wayne's Warld and The Doors, 
plus TV's Lave & War. Of her act- 
ing experience, she soys, “My 
typical role is ‘guy's girlfriend 
who gets shat, sending him on a 
kick-boxing rempoge."" Anyane 
оз smart ond fit өз Alisa (see in- 
set) ought to be o star by naw. 


do is take o deep breo! 
“ Trisho oppeored 
Ne 


lains' heads. 
shapely supe 


74 


te 


fear was gone, desire was gone, 
the future didn't exist—there was only 
that single orgasmic moment 


on the tip of his tongue 


fiction by IVA HERCÍKOVÁ 


ЗНЕ мотісер him because his mouth, like her older 
son's, had sharply defined lips, and because dur- 
ing the entire auction he watched her openly, as 
though she reminded him of someone he knew 
but couldn't place. During a break he brought 
over a cup of tea and introduced himself. He had 
deep-brown eyes set in a thin, pale face, a straight, 
narrow nose and dark hair. Except for his pale- 
ness, he looked Italian; the name Ricardo fit him 
perfectly. She wasn't surprised when he called her 
the next day about a painting in a private collec- 
tion. She wasn't even surprised when they got to- 
gether and there was no painting. He apologized 
awkwardly, they drank a glass of wine together 
and the next day she barely gave him a second 
thought. He tried to lure her to galleries again 
and again, which only confirmed her suspicion 
that he was trying to sell her something, and it was 
quite сазу to say no. But then he sent her tickets 
for La Bohéme at the Met, after she had mentioned 
to him that she liked opera. She went with her 
husband and pretended not to notice Ricardo's 


ILLUSTRATION BY RAFAL OLBINSKI 


PLAYBOY 


76 


face in a box to her left. 

He called her often to remind her 
of what she shouldn't miss, the cos- 
mopolitan Manhattanite looking out 
for the Long Island housewife. When 
he started hanging around in a car at 
the corner of her street, Hester got 
nervous. What confused her was that 
she caught herself looking him over, 
his hands, his legs, his face, wondering 
what he would like to do with her, what 
he would do with her if they were 
alone. She had never looked at a man 
in such a way before. 

It was an unbearable New York Au- 
gust hot and sticky. The house felt 
empty. The children were away: her 
sons in Europe, her daughter on a hik- 
ing trip. The social luncheons and vol- 
unteer work she was involved with 
didn't fulfill her; her only passion was 
tennis, even though at this time of year 
the asphalt courts sizzled like a frying 
pan and it became hard to find a part- 
ner willing to be drenched in sweat af- 
ter just a few minutes of a game. Then 
she noticed Ricardo watching her from 
the street above the tennis courts. 

She announced to her husband that 
she was going to get a job. and he 
laughed and she laughed with him. He 
suggested that she take a trip to Italy to 
visit her sister, who long ago had mar- 


ried there. 
. 


Rome was loud and filthy, even 
worse than New York. Her sister had 
no time for her and Hester was sorry 
she had come. The third day, Ricardo 
showed up. She couldn't figure out 
how he had found her in Rome, but 
she wasn't about to ask him. The next 
time she spotted him parked in front of 
the building she got dressed quickly, 
went out and sat down beside him. 
What's one afternoon in a hotel some- 
where, meaningless lovemaking with 
a meaningless young man, perhaps 
pleasant? He'll get what he wants and 
the restlessness within her that she 
doesnt understand will come to an 
end. He didn’t seem surprised. It was 
almost as if he had been expecting 
something similar. He didn't even ask 
where she wanted to go, but expertly 
zigzagged through the narrow streets 
until they got onto a road leading to 
the sea and then drove all the way to 
Ostia in silence. 

They stopped in front of a private 
villa with a formal garden and polished 
windows, a gorgeous Roman villa with 
a private beach. They entered a glass- 
enclosed hall and the surface of the sea 
glittered like а procuress conspiring 
with Ricardo. She calmly sat down on a 
brocaded chair. She cleared her throat 
and began with her prepared speech 
about not wanting to be harassed any 


further, that there was no point. But 
he stopped her, gruffly ordering her to 
be quiet. 

Ricardo took a few steps to the cen- 
ter of the room. Now that he was closer 
to her than to the window, she could 
see his eyes, the yellowish-brown eyes 
of a wild animal. He wet his lips and 
announced he would like her to allow 
him once a year to come to her and 
give her an orgasm by oral sex—that's 
exactly how he put it: to give her an or- 
gasm by oral sex. But that wasn't all, he 
said. He wanted her to send him an in- 
vitation to this event written on coated 
paper. She should expect him while 
she was seated in a chair with wooden 
arms and wearing a white dress. 

Coated paper, she murmured to her- 
self in amazement. And for whatever 
reason, it was the image of coated pa- 
per that aroused her. Ricardo was ei- 
ther playing a joke on her or he was de- 
ranged—there was no other possibility. 
For a split second she saw herself dead, 
cold and naked, Ricardo wrapping her 
into coated paper. But, in fact, she was 
very much alive. Everything inside of 
her was moving, as though her insides 
were a nest of little snakes, smooth 
wriggling snakes. Ricardo took her 
hand and was kissing it, and then casu- 
ally let his tongue graze her palm. 

I'm wearing a white dress, was her 
wild thought, and I'm sitting in a chair 
with wooden arms. Perhaps the first 
time it could be without the invitation 
on coated paper. Her face flushed; she 
knew he had read her thoughts. His 
eyes darkened and he somewhat clum- 
sily knelt down beside her, or rather 
sank down, and seized the hem of her 
dress and pulled it over his head as if 
he were a child playing games. She 
gave a rattling іше laugh and the un- 
natural sound frightened her. She 
wanted to push him away but he force- 
fully spread her knees—there was 
nothing childish in that action—he 
pressed her thighs against his temples, 
the silk crackled as the sparks flew, tiny 
bits of electricity like the touch of a 
bird's beak. Maybe they weren't sparks 
but teeth: He was lightly biting her 
thighs and pinching tiny pieces of flesh 
until the sheer pleasurable pain shot 
straight into her stomach and then she 
felt his tongue move up along her 
thigh. I have to wash myself, she 
protested. She was wearing her best 
white panties from Paris, It wasn't hard 
to guess why she had put them on; tiny 
panties that didn't need to come off, 
they could just be rolled aside. Ricar- 
dos tongue was still moving up her 
thigh and already she felt she was sit- 
ting in a pool of her own juices. Noth- 
ing like it had ever happened to her be- 
fore, she wasn't even aware that she 
had so many juices inside her. It wasn't 


disgusting, but she was frightened and 
she was also afraid she would have an 
orgasm the second his tongue touched 
her vagina. Then it happened: It 
wasn't even a touch but a puff. She 
gasped апа абгору arched her body 
toward him, Yes, I want it, right now I 
want it, but he had already left her 
vagina and was kissing her just above 
her pubic hair. She struggled to over- 
come the urge to grab his face and 
push it back into her, to force him to re- 
lease the unbearable tension and let it 
all be over—let the juices gush out of 
her like sperm washing away humiliat- 
ing lust. She would smooth down her 
dress and walk out with some dignity, 
more or less. 

But then impatience inexplicably 
turned into a desire to have the moist. 
little animal stay forever stuck to her. 
Ricardo, as if sensing that the danger 
had passed, moved back between her 
thighs and lightly kissed her clitoris. 
With an incredible thoroughness he 
started to lick her vagina; he flicked his 
tongue in and out of it, played in her 
hairs and explored the bridge separat- 
ing it from her anus. She wanted him 
to put his penis inside her, she wanted 
to exchange this foreign pleasure for 
the familiar pleasure of surrender. She 
wanted him to hold her, but Ricardo 
went on pressing her thighs together 
and darting his tongue from place to 
place. His entire being was his tongue, 
and he slid through the maze of pas- 
sages and catacombs until he penetrat- 
ed to the hidden core of molten lava 
that was aching to erupt. He suddenly 
{тоге and left her spread wide open. 
She didn't know what he was doing— 
why did he pull his tongue away?—and 
with an almost savage motion gripped 
his hair and pushed him toward that 
hungering orifice. When he didn't 
touch her, she stretched down her 
hand to terminate the unbearable urge 
herself, but he caught her arms and 
wouldn't let her. She felt faint, as if hot 
air were building up an intolerable 
pressure inside of her. Please, she 
mumbled, but he remained motionless 
between her legs. Her whole body was 
tossing about and she wanted it, she 
wanted him, not only his tongue, but 
all of him. She felt the гір of his tongue 
touch her clitoris, lightly, gently, like 
the tickle of a feather, then wet and 
slippery. The rapture she had tensely 
yearned for began, and she alone, 
hurled from the earth into orbit, was 
hurtling through space. She wasn't a 
woman's body anymore, she was а 
comet. She didn't have just one pitiful 
slot for mating, but thousands of them, 
all of her was a sheath made for plea- 
sure, for love, for pain. Fear was gone, 
desire was gone, the future didn't 

(continued on page 126) 


“I think you'll find we do things a little different out here 
in California, J.B.” 


Above: Here's a Gianni Versace chain-mail 
tank top, $4300, that David Copperfield has 
combined with the Versace suit pictured on 
page 81. Opposite роде: Copperfield hangs 
in there in another great-looking outfit 
that includes a Versace tropical wool pin- 
stripe five-button collarless jacket, $1370, 
and wool crepe triple-pleated trousers by 
Istante (a Versace subsidiary company), 
5440; plus Versace black suede loafers with 
silver Medusa-head medallions, $495. 


david copperfield hangs 
out in clothes by versace 


TRICKS 
WITH 
STYLE 


fashion by HOLLIS WAYNE 


HEN ONE of America's forc- 
most illusionists joins one 
of Europe's visionary mens- 


designers, you can bct on fash- 
ion magic, particularly when the two 
аге well acquainted. 

Gianni Versace designed the ward- 
robe for David Copperficid's stage 
show Beyond Imagination, and some 
of Versace's latest creations hang in 
Copperfield's closet. For spring, Ver- 
sace has two style tricks up his sleeve: 
He has created one-button single- 
breasted suits with the button closure 
falling well below the belt buckle and 
has introduced three-, four- and five- 
button single-breasted suits, the last 
of which are crew-necked. Versace 
pants are cut several ways, including 
wide and straight or tapered and 
pleated. And because his jackets and 
pants are sold separately, you can 
change them, presto, as you see fit 


wea 


f f PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANOREW ECCLES 


WHERE & HOWTOBUY ON PAGE 153. 
STYLING BY STEPHEN EARABINO FOR VISAGES STYLE, 
LOS ANGELES/MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING BY JEANNE 
‘TOWNSEND FOR CELESTINES, LOS ANGELESIMEN'S 
GROOMING BY VICTOR VIDAL FOR CLOUTIER 


өзінін 
NE 


Above: Copperfield can 
take this trunk show on 
the road ony time he 
wants. (If you con't cotch 
his live performonce, por- 
tions of his stage show Ве- 
yond Imogination will be 
performed as part of o 
special airing this March 
оп CBS.) Here, he’s wear- 
ing а linen one-button 
single-breasted jacket with 
peaked lapels and besom 
pockets, $1350, ond match- 
ing triple-pleated trousers, 
$600, both by Istonte; | 
plus a cotton piqué shirt 
with gold buttons and a 
pointed collar, about 
$300, and black suede 
shoe boots with gold 
medollions, $395, both by 
the Gionni Versoce Col- 
lection. Right: Copperfield 
models a Versace outfit 
that’s a cut above. It in- 
cludes а silk four-button 
double-breasted suit with 
four bellows pockets and 
triple-pleated trousers, 
$2110; o gray cotton-Lurex 
sport shirt with silver but- 
tons and a pointed collar, 
by Versoce Jeons Couture, 
$240; and black suede 
loafers with Meduso-heod 
medallions by Gionni Уег- 
80 засе Collection, $495. 


Below: Copperfield may be an escape artist, but with captors as sexy оз these, what's the hurry? He's wearing а wool crepe three-but- 
ton single-breasted jacket, $1015, and matching triple-pleated trousers, $448, both by the Gianni Versace Collection; plus a cotton- 
Lurex shirt, by Versus (а Versace subsidiary), $335; ond suede loafers with Medusa-head medallions by Gianni Versace Collection, $495 


82 


HTTIHLK 
OF THE KILLER 
Im OG UL 


By BERNARD WEINRAUB 


former disney chief jeffrey katzenberg launches 
а new studio—and gets revenge in the process 


JEFFREY KATZENBERG is seated in a spare office 
at Steven Spielberg's enclave at Universal 
Studios. It’s only three miles from the Walt 
Disney Studios, where Katzenberg ruled for 
ten years until he left last August after a bitter dispute with 
Disney's chairman, Michael Eisner. On this day, Katzenberg 
couldn't seem more content. He's leaning back in a leather 
chair, his feet crossed on the oak desk. He's wearing a loose 
white cotton shirt, jeans and sneakers—a pointed contrast to 
the buttondown conservative style at Disney. He's drinking a 
Diet Coke. 

One of Katzenberg's assistants—he has three working in 
shifts from dawn to late at night—walks in with a list of at 
least 30 phone calls that have arrived over the past hour. 
(The calls number about 600 a week.) Katzenberg glances at 
the sheet. He will soon start returning the calls from top in- 
vestment bankers in New York, powerful talent agents, sev- 
eral prominent directors. Calls from his new partners, Spiel- 
berg and billionaire entertainment executive David Geffen, 
are returned immediately. 

Katzenberg zealously sought out these two friends to help 
him create the first new Hollywood studio in more than 60 
years—an event in the entertainment industry that was not 
only front-page news but also a turning point in the life of 
the 43-year-old movie executive. 

“I mean, when 1 was a kid I loved movies,” he says expan- 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


sively. “Spartacus, Ben-Hur, Lawrence of Ara- 
bia. Y mean, like, Butch Cassidy and the Sun- 
dance Kid, The Bridge on the River Kwai.” 

He still loves movies. 

And he still loves Hollywood. 

And power, especially the power to wield control over his 
own company. Katzenberg's obsession with owning a compa- 
ny seized the studio chief the moment he slumped in his 
chair at Disney, stunned at Eisner's decision to dismiss him. 
Katzenberg realized then that, despite his millions of dollars 
in salary and bonuses, his stock options and his enormous 
clout at the studio, he was nothing more than a Disney em- 
ployee—and a disposable one at that. 

Three hours after his dismissal the phone rang. It was 
Spielberg, calling from Jamaica where he and his family 
were at the home of director Robert Zemeckis. Word that 
Katzenberg was out had surged all the way to the Caribbean. 

As Spielberg expressed his dismay and anger at Eisner, Ze- 
meckis, in the background, shouted jokingly, "Why don't 
you guys do something together?” 

Spielberg tried to buoy Katzenberg's mood. “Jeff, let me quote 
to you from Back to the Future,” he said. “I'll quote Christopher 
Lloyd's last line: "Where you're going you don't need roads.” 

Katzenberg impulsively replied: “What do you mean, 
‘you’? I'm thinking “we.” 

“We were teasing, I guess, but there was a moment in 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LEVINE 


= 
ЕД 2 
== ” Ж 27 “> 


| 
N 
N 


N 


D 


PLAYBOY 


84 


which it went from a playful and fanci- 
ful idea to a great idea,” remembers 
Katzenberg. 

Within a week the two were seated in 
Spielberg's home, with the 46-year-old 
director, the most successful in the his- 
tory of the movie business, quietly voic- 
ing his own yearnings about the future. 
Throughout his life, Spielberg told 
Katzenberg, he had sought out older 
men to guide him. There was Steve 
Ross, former chairman of Time War- 
ner, who was a father figure, and Sid- 
ney Sheinberg, the president of MCA 
Inc, who had discovered Spielberg 
and nurtured him. Sheinberg was like 
an older brother. 

“I needed them,” said Spielberg later 
of the two men. “But I grew up and be- 
gan to foster children and have a lange 
family. І felt I was ready to be the fa- 
ther of my own business. Or at least the 
co-father.” 

Geffen was called in by Katzenberg 
to guide the financial launch of the new 
company, but he was reluctant. His re- 
lationship with Spielberg was cordial 
but never especially warm. 

“1 wanted all three of us from the 
very beginning,” Katzenberg recalls. “1 
had to make a marriage between the 
two of them.” Katzenberg asked Gef- 
fen to meet with him and Spielberg, os- 
tensibly to talk about financial issues. 
Katzenbergs real agenda was to се- 
ment a relationship between Spielberg 
and Geffen. 

Finally, Katzenberg began pressing 
Geffen to turn the partnership into a 
threesome. Geffen's immediate ге- 
sponse was: “Why do you need me? 
You guys cover all the bases.” Katzen- 
berg and Spielberg explained that Gef- 
fen's financial know-how, his dogged- 
ness in signing talent and his savvy as a 
record mogul were pivotal to the new 
company, which would not only make 
movies but also produce TV shows, 
start a record division and launch an 
interactive urit. 

Geffen signed on. A delighted Katz- 
enberg said at the time, “I feel like I'm 
driving the stagecoach and holding the 
reins of these two world-class stallions." 

Yet despite his public exuberance, 
Katzenberg is plainly nervous. He is 
making the riskiest move of his career 
in founding the entertainment compa- 
пу, which will start producing films in 
1995. More important, unlike Spiel- 
berg and Gefien, he's gambling virtual- 
ly his entire fortune on the company. 

Тһе $250 million start-up costs are 
being divided three ways. According to 
Forbes, Spielberg is worth in excess of 
5600 million and rapidly rising. Geffen 
is already one of the nation's richest 
men, with a fortune estimated to be at 
least $1 billion. As a result of their 


reservoir of money, Spielberg and Gef- 
fen will hardly suffer if the new enter- 
tainment company founders. But the 
same cannot be said of Katzenberg. 


Katzenberg viewed Eisner as the old- 
er brother he never had. The two men 
virtually grew up together, first at Para- 
mount, where Katzenberg climbed 
quickly through the ranks to become 
president of production under Eisner, 
then at Disney, which Eisner took over 
in 1984 and where he named Katzen- 
berg as studio chief. 

When Eisner arrived, Disney was a 
somnolent enterprise with $1.5 billion 
in revenues, some lackluster family 
movies and a dormant animation divi- 
sion. The studio essentially lived off 
reissues of its animated classics. 

In less than a decade Katzenberg 
successfully deployed his 14-hour days, 
lifting Disney from its near moribund 
status to become one of Hollywood's 
dominant studios. Disney Pictures, un- 
der Katzenberg, turned into a money 
machine (the company’s revenues 
reached $8.5 billion in 1993) fueled by 
such enormously profitable enterprises 
as Beauty and the Beasi, Aladdin and The 
Lion King, а well ав popular television 
shows such as Home Improvement. 

Moreover, Katzenberg led Disney's 
successful move to Broadway with 
Beauty and the Beast, and he played a 
central role in creating the company’s 
lucrative marketing tie-ins to animat- 
ed films. 

But despite—or because of—the stu- 
dio's success, the Katzenberg-Eisner 
relationship became strained. 

Eisner began to resent Katzenberg's 
public persona, Katzenberg courted 
journalists and editors like no other 
studio chief, while Eisner shied away 
from them. Eisner was furious when 
Katzenberg’s now famous 28-page 
memo was widely distributed in Janu- 
ary 1991. The memo criticized Disney's 
film operation, saying that the compa- 
ny was spending too much time and 
money on big-budget disappoinunents 
such as Dick Tracy. The memo also im- 
plicitly criticized rival studios for pro- 
ducing such big-budget flops as Havana, 
Two Jakes and Bonfire of the Vanities. 

The memo hurt Katzenberg. Rival 
studio chiefs scorned it, saying it stated 
the obvious and was another of Katzen- 
berg's self-serving, self-promotional ep- 
isodes. But even more damaging for 
Katzenberg, Eisner disliked the memo 
and felt Katzenberg had usurped the 
boundaries of his job by leaking the 
document, which Katzenberg has de- 
nied doing. Implicit in Eisner's anger 
was his sense that Katzenberg had not 


only overstepped his authority but also 
was, consciously or not, restlessly eye- 
ing Eisner's job. Katzenberg says the 
notion is absurd. 

"Their relationship was never quite 
the same after the memo, with Eisner 
shoving impatience and annoyance to- 
ward Katzenberg. Eisner patronized 
his protégé, often telling reporters that 
Katzenberg was his “golden retriever,” 
a phrase that Katzenberg grew to de- 
spise. Eisner failed to give Katzenberg 
credit for the success of Beauty and the 
Beast, Aladdin and The Lion King—and 
blamed him for the avalanche of emp- 
ty-brained comedies (including Cabin 
Boy, Hocus Pocus, Holy Matrimony and 
Му Boyfriend’s Back) that have been Dis- 
ney trademarks in recent years. (Katz- 
enberg's taste was so lowbrow that even 
Geffen and other friends complained 
to him.) 

Eisner's disapproval and Katzen- 
berg's dissatisfaction collided on April 
3, 1994 when Frank Wells, the number 
two man at Disney and Eisner's closest 
advisor, was killed in a helicopter crash 
while on а skiing trip. Highly respected 
within the movie industry, Wells was a 
voice of moderation and accommoda- 
tion at Disney. His death devastated 
Eisner. 

Months earlier, Katzenberg had told 
borh men he was restless and wanted to 
move up within the company. If that 
wasn't going to happen, Katzenberg 
implied he would leave. He backed up 
the decision with a move that amazed 
Eisner and Wells: He rejected. $100 
million in Disney stock options that 
would have tied him to the studio for 
several years. 

In the months after Wells’ death, 
Katzenberg made it clear that he want- 
ed Wells’ job—and Eisner made it 
equally plain that he was ambivalent 
about giving it to him. Fiercely op- 
posed to promoting Katzenberg was 
Roy Disney, a member of the board, a 
nephew of Walt Disney's and the com- 
pany's remaining link to the Disney 
family. Roy Disney, according to studio 
executives, was nominally the head of 
animation at the studio, but Katzen- 
berg ran the show. As a result, Disney 
resented Katzenberg—he barely spoke 
to him—and he made his displeasure 
known to Eisner. 

According 10 several sources at Dis- 
пеу, Eisner felt that Katzenberg was 
pushing too aggressively for Wells' job. 
He also felt that Katzenberg had an 
agenda in which he would ultimately 
seek out the top spot. Katzenberg has 
told friends that during a squabble 
with Eisner two years ago, the compa- 
ny chairman suddenly said, “Well, we're 

(continued on page 142) 


© near Stacy Sanches 
talk is to hear pure 
Texas issuing from the 
mouth of a babe. Born 
in Dallas, Stacy relishes her place 
in the most devotedly nuclear of 
families, with Mom and Dad stick- 
ing together through 32 years of 
marriage and the whole gang (in- 
cluding a brother and a sister) 


spending time in the family busi- 
ness. She describes the arrange- 
ment as "awesome," but it sounds 
more like a throwback to a simpler 
time, when families hung together 
at home and on the range. 

For all of that, Stacy's not exactly 
your middle-of-nowhere country 
girl. But she’s not your typical big- 
haired Dallas strutter, either. She 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


THE HEART OF TEXAS 


MISS MARCH JUST KEEPS ON TRUCKIN’ 


is an outer-borough type from a 
burb north of town, and she’s her 
daddy's girl. At least when he's 
around. “My daddy works his ass 
off,” Stacy says, showing pride first, 
then a mischievous smirk. “But he 


was gone a lot. And sometimes my 
mom, my sister and 1 would sneak 
off to La Bare—one of those strip 
places that feature men. I was only 
14, but they'd let you in with a par- 
ent. I don't think my daddy knows 
about that to this day” 

Her confession might be bad 
news, because her dad is now her 
boss. After a year-and-a-half stint at 
Hooters, Stacy started working for 
her father's custom-pickup-truck 
business. “I like working for my 
dad—I can do whatever I want, 


k when I want and I have 
weekends off.” That gives her 
plenty of freedom for lifting 
weights, her favorite daytime activ- 
ity. "When 1 first started, I hated 


"Kim follows me wherever | go," Stacy says of her older sister. But she points out, “I’m the ma- 
ture one.” They work together, travel together, party together and, best of all, photograph to- 
gether. "We're like twins joined ct the hip.” adds Kim. "Guys we've dated hove soid to us, 
"What, do I have to date both of y’cll2"” Wait just a minute. Were those guys complaining? 


B7 


“Му doddy spoiled me," says Stacy. 
He did indeed—she grew up 
oraund all the foncy pickup trucks 
ond vans she cauld stand. Her fa- 
ther (above, at left) awns a high- 
end auto shap that turns pickup 
trucks into envy machines. But 
when Stocy and Kim walk into the 
shop, the envy shifts from chrome 
and steel to the owner's progeny. 


“My sister and I can dance all 
night long,” says Stacy. When she 
gaes out, she has to be in con- 
stant matian. "I don't like to go to 
clubs. If you're not dancing, then 


you just stand there and your 
back starts hurfing. My sister tells 
me I'm boring," she says. She 
shokes her head and grins. “But | 
dan think so. | know what I like." 


2.” 


After hanging around trucks and grease ot work, Stacy ond Kim save their evenings for country-ond-western boot-scaatin’. (Stacy is 
shown here trying aut the mechonicol bronc at the Brandin’ Iron in Son Bernordina, California.) She hos discovered the unifying theory 
90 ортеп on the dance floor: "The good-looking guys con't dance. The geeky guys are the anes with good-looking girls an their orms.” 


E Аф |, г | 
% TA A 
) ) 
| П ШО 
ya ^N 
1 
« 


Хы 


it,” she says, "until I started seeing some muscles рор out.” Now she's hooked on making things pop out. And that's an ad- 


diction we can admire. Stacy works out with her personal weight trainer, Kelly, one day a week. “She's nota complainer,” he 
says, “but she's good at stalling. When I say it’s time for another set, she'll give it one of these looks"—he rolls his eyes and 
pouts. But he doesn't let her get away with it. He puts his face close to hers and barks orders. “One day I was dying," says 
Stacy, "and he made me keep doing it. I almost started crying. I can't say no to hit —]EFF POSEY 


BIRTH Dat 


Дїй е ачыш ance адна 


DREAM VACATION: Ta. Lu 
moo NO iu 


MY 
FAVORITE DRINK: 0 
(4-4 


I MUST HAVE: 


Daddys qni Sister p Chal luz d cet 


РІ АҮВОҮ 5 PARTY JOKES 


Two attractive roommates, aged 21 and 25, 
were amazed that their 61-year-old neighbor 
went out on dates night after night while they 
sat at home watching television. One finally 
asked the older woman how she accounted for 
her popularity. 

“Well, hon, when I was 21, I gave it away. 
When I was 95, 1 sold it. And now, at 61," she 
explained, “I offer rebates.” 


How many perverts does it take to screw in a 
ht bulb? Just one—but it takes the entire 
emergency-room staff to get it back out 


A couple of lawyers representing opposite 
parties in a bitter divorce decided to work out 
their differences on the golf course. On the 
fourth hole, one shanked his approach shot, 
hitting his playing partner in the head. The in- 
jured man was rushed to the hospital, but was 
soon pronounced dead. 

The attending physician offered his condo- 
lemes to the other golfer. “I һауе to ask you a 
question, though,” the medic said. “The head 
wound was clearly fatal, but we also found a 
ball lodged in his rectum, Do you have any 
idea how it got there?” 

"Oh," the man sheepishly admitted, "that 
was my mulligan.” 


What do kissing and real estate have in com- 
mon? Location, location, location. 


Р лүвоу cuassıc: After a series of stock market 
investments had gone bad, a businessman be- 
gan looking for ways to reduce his household 
expenses. He told his wife to cut back on floral 
arrangements, clothes purchases and long-dis- 
tance phone calls. 

When he took an especially bad beating in 
the commodities market, he came home in a 
rage, demanding that she cancel her health 
dub membership, her manicure appointments 
and her psychiatrist visits. "What's more,” he 
ranted, “if you ever learned to cook, we could 
get rid of the chef 

“Well, for that matter,” the indignant wife 
retorted, “if you ever learned to fuck, we could 
get rid of the gardener.” 


Whar do good writers have in common with 
politicians? They both prefer short sentences. 


| don't know what you scc in him,” one starlet 
said of her friend's producer boyfriend. “He's 
old, he's ugly, he smells bad and his mind's in 
the gutte 

“That's true,” her friend replied, "but his 
gutter's on Rodeo Drive.” 


Over drinks, one psychiatrist turned to a 
other and asked, "What's been your most d 
ficult case?” 

"Once I had a patient who lived іп а com- 
plete fantasy world,” the second replied. “He 
actually believed he was Elvis’ love child and 
that he stood to inherit a fortune. For years he 
waited for a make-believe letter to arrive from 
a make-believe attorney. He never went out— 
just sat around and waited." 

"What was the result of treatment?" 

“It was an eight-year struggle, but I finally 
cured him," the shrink said. “And then that 
stupid letter arrived.” 


Graffito spotted at a reincarnation seminar: 
SAME SHIT: DIFFERENT LIFE 


А young army recruit was using the barrack: 
urinal when the guy next to him said, “I 
couldn't help noücing that you are circum- 
d. Did it hurt 

“They do it when you're eight days old, so I 
don't remember any kind of pain," the РЕС 
replied. “But I do know this: I didn't walk for 
a year" 


Brenda, finally fed up with her boyfriend 
Jeff's unfaithfulness, took a new lover of her 
own. Unaware of this sexual turn of events, 
Jeff called her to apologize for his past behav- 
ior. “Babe.” he said,“ I hope you're not hold- 
ing a grudge.” 

"You know.” Brenda replied. nestled against 
her new hunk, “I don't think I've ever heard it 
called that before." 


Did you hear about the new Xanax dier? You 
take four with breakfast and for the rest of the 
day food just falls out of your mouth. 


Тін мохтнз most FREQUENT SUBMISSION: Joe's 
neighbor argued against his seeking a divorce 
“You can't split up over something as trivial as 
a weekend out with the boys," he insisted. 
"That's stupid.” 

"I don’t care what you say, Herb, 


Joe 
hufled. “I just don't think she should go. 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Ilinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


"This raunchy e-mail is all right, but l pus the intimacy of 
ап indecent phone ca 


за 2 
| 2, 
as Ws 2 
=> 
N 


DONT THINK for a second 
that this is kid stuff. To- 
day's sports video games are so realistic that 
even superstar jocks such as Greg Maddux, 
Joe Montana and Shaquille O'Neal are diehard fans. 
"Rarcly does a month go by that we don't host sever- 
al pro athletes at our company," says 

Dave Dempsey, a spokesman for Elec- 


tual-reality golf, in which 
you use an electronic club 
controller to strike an imaginary golf ball 
(and then watch it slice to the right on your 
television screen). Or use the Batter Up baseball 
bat controller to take a swing (or two or three) at 
some Nolan Ryan heat. 
Down the road, communications 


tronic Arts Sports. "And we have a MESS WITH THE leaders such as ABC and TCI plan to 
tough time getting them to leave. We bring interactive gaming to television. 
have to peel their fingers off the game SHAQ OR SQUARE OFF Instcad of going to the video game 
controllers" Like the real deals, the store to pick up the latest sports titles, 
best sports simulations feature top ath- AGAINST EVANDER you'll have them delivered directly to 
letes, multiple camera angles, detailed our TV via cable or satellite. 

stats ш] ай Ee. e so accu- HOLYFIEL ND ý Technology aside, another appeal- 
rate you can launch a decp fly ball and LIVETO TELL ABOUT IT ing aspect of sports video gaming is 
have it sail over the ivy at Wrigley that it lets you take control of your 
Field. In fact, just about anything that Ба favorite team's destiny. Мо lockouts. 
occurs in sports can now be duplicated modern living No contract renegotiations. No over- 
in video games. Want to ski or snow- By Mike Meyers priced tickets, concessions or parking. 


board in Val-d'Isére? Trade a couple 

of second-string hockey players for а 

scoring ace? Try to hit a Charlie Hough knuckleball? 
Then check out Tommy Moe's Winter Extreme: Skiing 
and Snowboarding (by Super Nintendo Entertainment 
System), NHL "95 (Sega Genesis and SNES) and 
World Series Baseball (Sega Genesis). 

Of course, the ultimate adrenaline rush is yet to 
come. Software developers tell us the industry is hard 
at work on the next step in video gaming—merging 
sports with virtual reality. Imagine strapping on a 
helmet and finding yourself in the outfield of a ma- 
jor-league ballpark. You can see the ball launched 
from the batter's box, hear the roar of the crowd as 
you make a diving catch, and feel the wet, cold stick- 
iness of the beer that gets dumped on you by a fan in 
the bleachers. 

Experiencing that fantasy is a few years away, but 
the future is now for head-to-head video-game play 
via modem (see the Xband modem under “Cool 
Sports Gadgets”). You can also enjoy 18 holes of vir- 


ILLUSTRATION BY ARNOLD ROTH 


Who knows—it may be just a matter of 

time before a debate on the merits of, 
say, John Madden's NFL versus Joe Montana's NFL is 
sharing airtime with discussions about the real thing 
on jock-talk radio. (We're bailing out fast when hot- 
shot video-game players start looking for agents.) So 
grab a control pad and get ready for some rock "ет, 
sock 'em, in-your-face armchair action. 


Best Jean-Claude Van Damme imitation 
by a basketball player 

«Shag Fu: NBA megastar Shaquille O'Neal as a bruising, 
brawling street fighter. Would you want to face him in 
а dark alley? (Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo En- 
tertainment System) *Bill Laimbeer's Combat Bas- 
кефаи: Ex-Detroit Piston bad boy Laimbeer is 
commissioner and star player (yep, it really is 
fantasy) of this pseudobasketball simulation 
set in the year 2030. For added fun, play- 
ers аге armored, and there are weepons 
and mines. (SNES) *Michael Jordan: 
Chaos in the Windy City: Is Jordan ver- 
satile or what? First basketball, then 
baseball—and now, kicking bad guys" 
butts in an adventure game. (SNES) 


102 


Great game tricks 
Those crafty video-game programmers. They 
build all kinds of sneaky functions into their 
software, but you can't access them un- 
less you know the secret commands. 
Here are a few of cur favorites: 

-NBA Jam: Use the following codes and \ 
take to the hardwood as President Clinton 
or VP Gore. See if you can compensate for | 
their tendency to go to the left. For SNES, 
choose yes when asked if you want to enter 
initials for record keeping. Next, type ARK 
(for Clinton) or NET (for Gore) and leave the 
cursor on the last letter (K or T). Then press 
and hold the top right, top left and start but- 
tons simultaneously along with button X (for Clinton) or button 
A (for Gore). For Sega Genesis, duplicate the SNES trick by 
lyping ARK or NET and leaving the cursor on the last letter. 
Next press start and button A simultaneously for Clinton or 
start and button B for Gore. «NBA Jam Tournament Edition: 
November 1990 Playmate Lorraine Olivia and Playboy model 
Kerri Hoskins grace the screen as cheerleaders during NBA 
Jam's “attract mode." Play B-ball as either Kerri or Lorraine by 
typing in the following codes: for Kerri, КЕК and the date Oc- 
tober 10; for Lorraine, LOR and February 20. (This trick ap- 
plies only to the arcade version of NBA Jam Tournament Edi- 
tion.) «Virtua Racing: Any gamer can drive a car forward, but 
with this trick you can zoom in reverse, too. When the Sega lo- 
£o appears оп the TV screen, press and hold buttons A, B and 
Up (on the Genesis control pad), then press start. Release the 
buttons and go to the Mode Select screen. Choose AUTRIV 
GNICAR and buckle up. «John Madden's NFL '95: Play as 
one of the new expansion teams, the Carolina Panthers or 
the Jacksonville Jaguars, by pressing the button sequence 
BACAC at the options menu. You'll know you input the code 
correctly when you hear Madden say "Pow." 


Video game endorsement curse 

Joe Montana: Shortly after the ink was dry on his licensing 
deal with Sega, Montana suffered a season-ending elbow in 
jury. *James "Buster" Douglas: Douglas lost his briefly held ti- 
tle before the video game bearing his name 
hit the shelves. The game is called Buster 
Douglas Knock-Out Boxing. Perhaps 
Knocked-Out would have been more 
appropriate. «Mike Tyson: Iron Mike 
starred in a hit boxing game for Ninten- 
do. Now he has all the time in the world 
to play video games—assuming the war- 
den lets him have a Nintendo in his cell. « 
David Robinson: The Admiral starred in a mediocre basketball 
game by Sega, then his season ended prematurely because 
of an injury. «Ken Griffey Jr.: Junior endorsed Nintendo's most 
recent fcray into sports at the beginning of the 1994 baseball 
season—and, well, you know the result. «Evander Holyfield: 
Holyfield was the star of a good Sega boxing simulation, but 

he lost his title belt shortly after the game wes released. 


Big names, lame games 

«Pat Riley Basketball: Unrealistic, with no actual NBA players, 
this 1990 release gives you the ability to dunk from almost 
anywhere past half-court. If Riley had been eble to get Ewing 
to do that, the Knicks might have beaten the Rockets. (Sega 
Genesis) «Mario Lemieux Hockey: A player this good deserves 
а hockey game that's up to his abilities. This one definitely 
isn't. (Sega Genesis) «Jerry Glanville's Pigskin Footbrawl: 
Bizarre football hybrid from one of the strangest coaches in 
NFL history. Glanville is probably working on a sequel called 
Glanville's Broadcasting Mania. (Sega Genesis and SNES) 


Who says video games aren't like real life? 

«Вавев Loaded: Hit a key batter late in the game and you'll 
trigger а bench-clearing brawl. And just like in real baseball, 
none of the players knows how to throw a punch. (SNES) 
«Boxing Legends of the Ring: A blackout option in this realis- 
tic simulation causes your fighter's vision to grow hazy and 
dim if he takes too many shots to the head. (SNES and Sega 
Genesis) “ World Series Baseball: This title features every ma- 
jor-league pitcher from the 1993 season and each video rep- 
resentation is faithful to its real-life counterpart. That means 
Nolan Ryan and Roger Clemens throw heat and Charlie Hough 
throws mean knuckleballs that flutter and float. (Sega Gene- 
sis) *Slam City With Scottie Pippen: You go one-on-one with a 
variety of street players in this interactive movie. Everything is 
shown through the eyes of your player. Your opponents will 
‘swat your shots back in your face, steal the ball from under 
your nose and verbally abuse you with such taunts as, "Boy, 
I'm going to dunk on you like milk!" (Sega CD) 


Best reasons їо hit the mute button 
ick Vitale's "Awesome, Baby!" College Hoops: Vitale's non- 
stop ranting accompanies a pretty good 
college-hoops simulation. Luckily, there's a 
control to cork him. Now that's awesome. 
(Sega Genesis) «Mike Ditka Power Foot- 


ball: A bad game filled with annoying sound 
effects, including players who bark like rott- 
weilers. (Sega Genesis) «Mutant League 
Football: "Mutant" coaches rant and bab- 
ble in this bizarre football parody. On week- 
ends they probably hang out with Buddy Ryan. (Sega Genesis) 


Do we really need a video game about . . . 

«Bass fishing? Sit for hours trying to catch video fish that you 
can't eat, can't mount on a trophy wall and can't pose with for 
pictures? Right. (Bassin's Black Bass With Hank Parker for 
SNES and Bass Masters Classic for Sega Genesis and SNES) 
«Rugby? The Rugby World Cup may be the fourth largest 
sporting event in the world, but it doesn't translate 

well to TV. Perhaps it has something to do with the 

ball getting lost in a sea of flailing bodies. (World 

Cup Rugby for Sega Genesis) «Wrestling? A fenta- 


sy product for a sport that isn't based on reality? A 
(ИЛМЕ Raw for Sega Genesis and SNES) ES 
Cool sports gadgets 


*Xband modem: Hook your phone line to the Xband modem 
апа then reach out and pound somebody. Just like а comput- 
er modem, the Xband lets you go on-line with video gamers 
across the country to challenge them to real-time games such 
as NHL '95 and NBA Jam. (Catapult Entertainment for Sega 
Genesis and SNES) «Tee V Golf and Batter Up: A miniature 
golf club and foam baseball bat that connect to your Genesis 
and SNES machines, letting you control the swing of your on- 
screen player in a variety of golf and baseball video games. 
(Sports Sciences) «The Sega Activator: An octagon that you 
put on the floor and stand in. When you move your arms, legs 
and body, the motion is translated to the screen. Although 
specially programmed games such as Greatest Heavy- 
weights and Best of the Best: Championship Karate 
are fun, the gadget has yet to take off with video 
gamers. (Sega for Sega Genesis) «EA Sports 4 
Way Play: A gadget that lets you hook four 
controllers to your game system so 
you have the option of playing two 
against two, one against three or 
four against the computer. (Elec- 
tronic Arts for Sega Genesis) 


Scerebearel 


our top picks in the sports game categories, plus some great runners-up 


Baseball: World Series Baseball—If there were ever a game 
in which you could SIUE standing in against a Randy John- 

T. mes] son fastball, this title is the 
one. Complete major- 
league player rosters, play- 
by-play announcing, a full- 
screen batters-box view 
and a battery 10 save your 
statistics are just a few of 
the reasons why World Se- 
ries Baseball is a grand 
slam (Sega Genesis). Hon- 
orable Mention: Tecmo 
Super Baseball (Sega Genesis and SNES), Hardball '94 
(Sega Genesis) and La Russa Baseball '95 (Sega Genesis). 


Football: NFL '95—This one offers complete NFL rosters, the 
all. important battery to preserve statistics and track the sea- 
son's progress and the op- 
tion to play schedules from 
the 1994, 1993 or 1992 
ГГ seasons. There are also 
Е player injuries, roster man- 
E agement and the ability to 
[-) see 65 yards downfield 
on the passing plays 
(Sega Genesis). Honorable 
Mention: Madden NFL '95 
(Sega Genesis and SNES), 
College Football's National Championship (Sega Genesis) and 
NFL Quarterback Club (Sega Genesis and SNES). 


Basketball: NBA Live '95—Basketball was a weak category 
until this game hit the shelves. МВА Live "95 features a TV- 
style court perspective, full 


NBA rosters, player trading 

and a special five-player 
ў mode on the SNES version 
(four-player on Sega Gen- 
esis). The action is fast- 
paced, with alley-oops, 
monster dunks and quick 
behind-the-back pass- 
ing. Honorable Mention: 
NBA Jam (Sega Genesis, 
Sega CD and SNES), Siam City With Scottie Pippen 
(Sega CD) and NCAA Basketball (SNES). 


Hockey: NHL '95—The game that sets the standard by which 
all other sports games are е Јав NHL "95 has it all: NHL 
players, teams, a full sea- 
Щ son and playoffs, player 
M trading, injuries and hard 
checking. АП that plus 
| smooth animation and 
easy-to-learn game play. 
A must for any sports fa- 
natic (Sega Genesis and 
IE SNES). Honorable Men- 
| tion: Brett Hull Hockey "95 
(Sega Genesis and SNES), 
NHL '94 (Sega Genesis, Sega CD and SNES) and ESPN 
National Hockey Night (Sega Genesis, Sega CD and SNES). 


Golf: The best golf simulations can be found on your comput- 
er, but many companies are creating respectable conversions 
for gaming machines. We 

recommend PGA Tour Ill. 

The PGA Tour series has 

been a staple in the diet of 

Genesis duffers for many 

years. The letest incarna- 

tion features ten U.S. 

courses, PGA Tour golfers 

and easy-to-learn controls 

(Sega Genesis). Honorable 

Mention: Golf Magazine's 

36 Greatest Holes Starring Fred Couples (Sega Genesis 32X), 
Links (Sega CD) and PGA European Tour (Sega Genesis). 


Racing: Road Rash—A motorcycle game in which you race 
down the interstates and avenues of northern California, dodg- 
ing pedestrians, parked 
vehicles and fellow com- 
petitors. Of course, you 
сап also run them off the 
road or pound them with a 
club. Loaded with live ac- 
tion and a rock sound- 
track, this game is not for 
the faint of heart (3DO). 
Honorable Mention: Virtua 
Recing (Genesis 32X), 
Newman/Haas Indy Car Racing Featuring Nigel Mansell (Sega 
Genesis and SNES) and Kyle Petty's No Fear Racing (SNES). 


Boxing: Boxing Legends of the Ring—Features eight of the 
greatest middleweights of all time, including Suger Ray 
Leonard, Rocky Graziano ез = mowr 

and Marvin Hagler. Choose 

your favorite and enter the 

battle of the legends, cre- den ia 

ate a fighter and try to 
work your way to the top of 
Ring Magazine's fighter 
chart, or attempt to last a 
few rounds with Graziano 
or Roberto Duran (Sega 
Genesis and SNES). Hon- 
orable Mention: Super Punch-Out (SNES), Prizefighter (Sega 
CD) and Boxing's Greatest Heavyweights (Sega Genesis). 


Other Sports: FIFA International Soccer—There were a slew 
of soccer sims that were released to coincide with last sum- 
mer's World Cup, but the 
FIFA game was the Brazil 
of the bunch (Sega 
Genesis, SNES and 3DO). 
IMG International Tour 
Tennis—Features 32 past 
and present pros (Sega 
Genesis). Tommy Moe’s 
Winter Extreme: Skiing 
and Snowboarding— 
Damn-fast downhill and 
slalom game (SNES). Championship Pool—Simulates eight 
ball, nine ball, rotation and more (Sega Genesis and SNES). 


103 


THE GURU AND 
THE GADELY 


THE STRANGE 
ADVENTURES OF A 
BEST-SELLING WRITER, 
A NEW AGE 
SPIRITUALIST 

ANDA 

VERY RICH 
CONGRESSMAN 


OW COULD it have come 

to this? Peter McWilliams 
and John-Roger's best-selling Life 101 series of 
books was the sort that could make a nation of 
self-help addicts bounce about in weepy hugging 
frenzies. You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative 
Thought, with its uplifting aphorisms for health, 
happiness and harmony, had sent Oprah’s audi- 
ences into book-buying rapture. The authors 
even adorned their We Give to Love tape package 
($19.95) with painted hearts and the question: 
“If you were arrested for kindness, would there 
be enough evidence to convict you?” 

But kindness was probably not among the ac- 
cusations McWilliams and John-Roger were 
slinging at each other in the parking lot of the 
Hollywood municipal court one warm morning 
last autumn. John-Roger, a twitchy-faced cherub 
with a stylish perm, was probably not thinking 
positive thoughts as reporters poked micro- 
phones through the window of his Lexus. And 
McWilliams—who had devoted more than 15 


ш ARTICLE BY BOB SIDCHEN 


ILLUSTRATION BV ISTVANOROSZ 


PLAYBOY 


106 


years and given perhaps $1 million to 
John-Roger and who had worshiped 
him as a friend, a father, a hero, as the 
only living man whose calls God him- 
self returned—did not look particular- 
ly blissful as he charged across the lot 
disheveled and sweating. 

“Get your hands off that camera!” 
McWilliams shouted at John-Roger's 
frequent companion of late, a 4сс-суей 
young actor who had slipped in behind 
cameraman and was apparently try- 
ing to unplug his audio jack. The cam- 
eraman glared, the actor backed off 
and John-Roger—]-R for short—did 
опе of those embarrassing. slink-off- 
with-microphones-in-your-face exits, 
leaving a triumphant McWilliams with 
the cameras all to himself. 

A cantankerous libertarian who had 
built his small Prelude Press into one of 
the most successful self-publishing en- 
terprises in the country, McWilliams 
had believed John-Roger's claim that 
he anchored an awesome spiritual 
force known as the Mystical Traveler 
Consciousness. He had believed J-R 
when he promised to use his cos- 
mic connections to keep McWilliams 
healthy—as long as he kept putting 
J-R’s name on the books McWilliams 
now says he alone wrote. 

Then John-Roger started demand- 
ing royalties and McWilliams started 
aing Prozac and quicker than you 
could say Love 101 (the vanity plates on 
the Lexus McWilliams gave J-R in the 
ultimate act of postmodern devotion), 
the two were squared off in litigation. 
Threatened with financial ruin, 
McWilliams reverted to coping mecha- 
nisms he knew best. He spit out anoth- 
er book—Life 102: What to Do When Your 
Guru Sues You. And he countersued. 

As it happened, another longtime 
devotee of John-Roger's, Arianna 
Stassinopoulos Huffington, had re- 
cently taken a high-profile role in her 
husband Michael's race for one of Cali- 
fornia's Senate seats. McWilliams saw 
an opportunity and launched a bi 
rage of acerbic press releases that rid- 
dled the political landscape like cluster 
bombs. Arianna—beautiful, rich, cun- 
ning—fought back in style. 

The camera crews had arrived at the 
Hollywood court after receiving anon- 
ymous tips that McWilliams faced a 
misclemeanor hearing for assaulting a 
meter maid—charges McWilliams con- 
tends are vastly overblown. John- 
Roger and several associates showed 
up to watch McWilliams squirm. But 
their appearance backfired—the re- 
porters seemed more interested in 
hammering J-R about his ties to 
Huffington. JR split in disgust. And 
there stood McWilliams, an undisput- 
cd media master, calmly telling re- 
porters that John-Roger was a manipu- 


lative cult charlatan who had used 
him—and was still using Arianna 
Huffington—to infiltrate the highest 
levels of power. 

Power, politics, Prozac and Lexus- 
es—if ever there was a tale for the 
Nineties, this was it. 


John-Roger was born Roger Delano 
Hinkins to Mormon parents in the tiny 
mining town of Rains, Utah on Sep- 
tember 24, 1934. As a boy he played 
tennis at North Emory High, read 
Napoleon Hill's The Laws of Success and 
attended Mormon “mutual improve- 
ment” meetings. About the only thing 
that set him apart from his classmates, 
he would later say, was his ability to 
spot colorful “auras” around people. 

Eventually, Hinkins moved to Salt 
Lake City and earned a bachelor’s de- 
gree in psychology at the University of 
Utah. In 1958 he headed to San Fran- 
cisco, and then on to Los Angeles, 
where he landed a job at Rosemead 
High School as an English teacher. 
In 1963, doctors hospitalized Hinkins 
for kidney stones. During his stay he 
slipped into a coma, as the result of 
what might have been a sedative over- 
dose. When he awoke, he says, there 
was another entity within him. It iden- 
tified itself as “the Beloved” but later 
said, “You can call me John.” Hinkins 
put the шо together: John the Be- 
loved. "When I opened my eyes,” he says, 
“1 remember my mother sitting there 
aying, "Who are you? and ihe voice 
said, T am John. She said, ‘Is Roger 
there?" The voice said, "Yes, he's in 
here too." Hinkins began calling him- 
self John-Roger, living with the knowl- 
edge that he had been handed the keys 
to the highest powers in all universes, 
the Mystical Traveler consciousness 
and Preceptor consciousness. 

Back at Rosemead High, H 
mained teacherly. He wore 
and corduroy jackets and swept his 
brown hair back from his high fore- 
head in an average-guy wave. But his 
classes weren't exactly normal. Often, 
he'd pull down the shades, turn off the 
lights and lead his students on imagi- 
nary excursions through forests and 
along shores, creating scenes so vivid 
that some teens were knocked out of 
their chairs. 

It was in 1967, on a trip to Disney- 
land, that Hinkins decided to break the 
news of his life changes to one of his 
colleagues, a young gym teacher. The 
two ate frozen bananas, wandered 
through rides in the Magic Kingdom 
and blasted away in the shooting gal- 
leries. Then, as they chugged through 
the forest on the park's Santa Fe Rail- 
road, Hinkins casually revealed that he 


had been given a special dispensation 
to serve humanity. 

“Не spoke of how so many people 
were ‘sleeping,’ unaware of the ‘Light,’ 
unaware of their own divinity,” the 
teacher subsequently wrote. “He spoke 
of the work he would be doing to assist 
people into awakening and said that it 
would be "big." 

"I remember thinking clearly—some 
hours into our talk—that either this 
man was completely crazy or I was 
privileged and honored to be at the be- 
ginning of a wondrous adventure.” 

Eventually, Rosemead’s new princi- 
pal caught wind of Hinkins’ unortho- 
dox teaching methods. One day, the 
principal went to Hinkins third period 
class, slammed on the lights and jarred 
the kids out of their reverie. “Mr. Hink- 
ins . . . I never want this sort of non- 
sense to happen again,” he said. Soon, 
the school and Hinkins decided to part 
ways. But Hinkins didn’t leave alone. 
‘Twenty-five years later, that gym 
teacher and at least one former student 
remain devoted to the Traveler. 

After leaving Rosemead High, John- 
Roger had developed a small following 
of "votaries" who would make three- 
dollar "love offerings" to hear this 
spiel: that the Traveler and Preceptor 
worked within an individual to help 
him break free of the cycle of reincar- 
nation and achieve soul transcendence. 

Over the years, some cynical follow- 
ers labeled John-Roger "the human 
Xerox machine" for what they termed 
his propensity to use material from 
other sources ranging from Eckankar 
to television evangelist Gene Scott. 
Some people found J-R’s teachings an 
impossible hodgepodge. For many, the 
mystery of the Traveler was that he 
didn’t get pelted with overripe fruit 
and sent back to teaching Our Town. 

No one seems to have found John- 
Roger charismatic in the traditional 
sense, But even those who initially 
sneered at ЈК found themselves re- 
turning to seminars to stare into a сир 
of water, which was said to absorb their 
pain, to gaze at the flame of a candle 
until they saw the Traveler, to sing, 
share their feelings and chant “Ani- 
Hu,” which J-R called the sacred names 
of God. 

By 1971 John-Roger had incorporat- 
ed his budding organization into the 
Church of the Movement of Spiritual 
Inner Awareness (MSIA—pronounced 
"Messiah"), thereby not only making 
it tax-exempt but also exempting its 
financial records from public scrutiny. 
Soon he and his staff of handsome 
young men—called “the guys"—were 
touring the country, charging up to 
$60 for such MSIA services as “light 
readings,” “aura balances,” “polarity 

(continued on page 136) 


"Oops! Pardon me. Му mistahe." 


107 


VON STEWART 


e is so determined to distinguish his 

show from the glut of talk programs 
that he stripped to his underpants for a pub- 
licity poster that appeared on walls all over 
New York. Jon Stewart admits the parody of 
a Calvin Klem underwear ad was embar- 
rassmg ("I'm not exactly buff”). And in it, 
the man who confesses to preferring women 
who look like Cindy Crawford posed with a 
waif model, no less. But the talk show expe- 
rience hasn't been too painful for Stewart 
Crawford herself appeared on “The Jon 
Stewart Show,” which debuted on MTV in 
the fall of 1993 and was syndicated nation- 
wide—and expanded to a full hour—on 
broadcast television last September. Stewart's 
hallmarks include culting-edge bands and 
guests who relax on a bench seat salvaged 
from а сат Shortly before his move from 
MTV, the furniture was upgraded to classi- 
er British Rover bucket seats. And Cindy 
Crauford has returned. 

Stewart was reportedly in contention for 
Conan O'Brien's job as NBC's late-night 
host. NBC passed but MTV gave him a sec- 
ond chance after he bombed on the channel's 
viewer-scripted show “You Wrote It, You 
Watch It.” Stewart had worked his way 
around the comedy-club circuit for seven 
years—he admits to making a living from 
stand-up for about five of those years. His 
live dales ranged from а New Jersey Divi- 
sion of Mental Health Christmas party to 

Caesars Palace in 


Las Vegas. Appear- 
the clown ances on HBO and 
i followed. 
prince of ото 
slacker talk me with Stewart а 
couple of times. 

tells how he Kalbacker reports: 
. "On ene occasion 
Stewart announced 

survived 2 he had а date with 
broken home, ие model who had 
created a sensation 

why һе aban- тт New York with 
her bus stop ads for 

doned a ca- high-high stock- 
a ings. He placed a 

reer in med- е Ar how 
В long we could talk. 
ical waste 1 glanced uneasily 
m at his office clock. 

and why his — 7» СЕТ 
" his ‘date’ was for 

comedy is laping a segment to 
А фе used оп his show. 
pain-free Dir der sitting, 


foriunatey, was a 
long, open-ended 
conversation.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY FRANK OCKENFELS 11 


PLAYBOY: The Jon Nut Show featuresa 
monolog, musical guests and celebri- 
ties plugging their latest projects. How 
did you come up with such an innova- 
tive format for late-night television? 
stewart: I have no idea. Originally, I 
wanted to do a syndicated show about 
lifeguards, but apparently there's one 
of those shows already. We are not 
shocking anybody. Originality, boy, I 
wish. I wish there were people—maybe 
there are—in America whod think, 
Wow! This guy is a genius. How did 
heinvent this? We're probably running 
in certain markets where the general 
manager of the station has absolutely 
no idea what kind of show this is. For 
all they know it could be an infomer- 
cial. Initially, we weren't going to do a 
monolog. We were going to do some- 
thing different. So we tried it without a 
monolog in run-throughs and, boy, 
there's a reason for the monolog. If 
you just come out and start, people get 
confused. Is ıhis a game show? Is 
someone going to win something? We 
did research. І watched а buch of 
Carson's and Leno's and Letterman's 
old shows and thought, Let’s flatter 
these fellas. 


£ 


rLaysov: On one cable show you told 
Cindy Crawford that you carry your 
penis on the right side of your pants’ 
crotch. We've noticed that since you've 
moved over to broadcast television, the 
word hand has been bleeped from a 
reference to a hand job and you've 
mentioned pubic hair, but not the pe- 
nis. So have you had to tonc it down? 

STEWART: Those arc the distinctions. 
Those are the lines ме draw—penis 
and pubic hair. Those are the battles 
we fight in the boardroom—a bunch of 
guys sitting around yelling at one an- 
other, “What do you mean we have to 
drop the ‘hand’ out of ‘hand job'?" In 
general we're still on late enough at 
night so that the content is not particu- 
larly prurient. We don't really do that 
kind of show anyway. I don't come out 
in a G-string, though I would. Any- 
thing for the ratings. Daytime TV is far 
more prurient than what we do at 
night. To have a whole show centered 
around goats that have sex with 
sheep—to me that’s far more lurid 
than using the term hand job in con- 
text or mentioning the penis. People 
use these words in conversation. On 


network television, you can only hint 
about where your penis is. On cable 
you can actually point to it. By the way, 
Cindy was talking about how she posed 
as a man апа had to tuck a sock in her 
pants to give the illusion of a penis. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Have you had any unpleasant 
encounters with the men ın suits from 
Standards and Practices? 

STEWART: There are times when I'll be 
in rehearsal and I'll say something and 
ТЇЇ hear footsteps. Somebody will walk 
out and say, "If you could just tone 
down that Long Dong Barney thing." 
The oddest subjects will set them off. 
We had a simple little skit called Great 
Moments іп Pot History. Tremendous 
problems. We couldn't use the word 
great because that was deemed too 
kind to pot. So we changed it to Mo- 
ments in Pot History. Apparently that 
was OK. Who knows where the line is? 
You never know until you do it. My ba- 
sic concern is what's legal. Tell me what 
we'll get sued for—will we have to pay 
money if I say this? and I'll stop be- 
fore I get to it. But don’t tell me what 
you think isn’t funny or what isn't in 
good taste. 


4. 


тлувоу: The topic of dating super- 
models surfaces regularly on your 
show. Would you care to comment on 
your fascination vith these women? 
Stewart: Recently we did this skit in 
which Jon goes out with a supermodel, 
and in Jon's head he has to realize that 
this is a bit on the show. The reality is 
that Гуе never gone out with any of 
them. 1 merely talk about it. People 
confuse that issue all the time. A friend 
called me and said he wanted me to 
get Cindy Crawford’s autograph for a 

nd of his. I said, “1 don't know 
Cindy.” I've talked with her a couple of 
times and we've hung out. I think he 
had the idea that all I had to do was roll 
over and say, “Cindy, this guy needs 
your autograph.” 1 don’t even know 
where she lives. It’s hard to separate 
TV reality from reality reality. Models 
talk to you for six minutes and they're 
very nice and they say thank you and 
then they go off to the larger European 
men they actually have sex with. 


5. 
млувоу: Do you deny that you are 
worried about (continued on page 124) 


103 


110 


OUR MULTIMEDIA ADDICT SIFTS THROUGH 
THE DIGITAL DIN FOR THE PERFECT DISC 


ru. an rr: Гат suspicious of any- 
thing that touts itself as the techno- 
toy of the future. When I hear the 
words interactive or multimedia, a 
little red flag ripples in my periph- 
eral vision. So when a bunch of CD- 
ROM publicists bombard me with 
raves about how much fun I'm go- 
ing to have with their products, 1 
purse my lips and squint suspicious- 
ly at the telephone receiver. 

I identify with the hero of a cer- 
tain lyric poem, a character beset on 
all sides by temptation and soph- 
istry. The poem to which I am re- 
ferring, of course, is that corner- 
stone of contemporary culture, Dr. 
Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham, in which 
Sam-I-Am, a demonic hard-sell 
salesman, mercilessly foists char- 
treuse high-cholesterol break- 
fast food on his unwill- 


ing victim. But 

Sam-I-Am is an 9 = 
Avon lady next о 
to the CD- 

ROM flack 
whose voice 
blasts 
through 
the tele- 
phone 
line, all the 
way from 


the Silicon = 


Valley: 


“You'll want ^ 
to play them in 
your house! 

“You'll want to play 
them with a mouse! 

“You'll want to play them on a 
screen! 

“You'll want to play them in your 
dreams! 

"Try them! Try them! You will 
see! 

Try them! Try them! Try them 
free!” 


And, secretly, as these packages 
speed toward my mailbox, 1 harbor 
doubts. 

I will not like these CD-ROMs. 


The initial offerings meet or even 
fall below my dismal expectations. 
These discs seem to have no pur- 
pose other than to prove that you 
can put lots of stuff on a CD-ROM 


"RO љу 


R u ing the label with an air- 


(Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Cook- 
book, anyone?) Most fall prey to the 
kitchen-sink syndrome. (“Damn 
thing ain't full yet? Throw in some 
more! Yeah, more Quicktime vid- 
€os, that's the ticket. Who cares how 
it relates? That's what hypertext is 
for") Fascination with the medium 
for its own sake is rampant, and 
software developers overcome by 
multimedia hype have released 
some really bogus products. Hence 
the term shovelware, Silicon Valley 
slang for a product slapped togeth- 
er without much thought or content 
and flung onto store shelves in 
hopes that hype will carry it. 

Case in point: Woodstock, the 25th 
anniversary CD-ROM. "It's an even 
better trip on CD-ROM!” yells the 

packaging. An op art button 
announces that a 
Groovy Paint Fea- 
а ture is included. 
» S Little peace- 
m" sign icons call 
attention to 
other fea- 
tures: "Dig 
previously 
unpub- 
lished Fes- 
tival 
ages! Paint 
your screen 


— - a. 
» with psyche- 


4 delic designs! 


Sing along with 
on-screen lyrics 
I continue read- 


sickness bag close at hand: 


“Woodstock Lives Forever!” (Like 
MTV and Pepsi would let us forget.) 


“It’s never the same twice—no 
matter how much you tune in, turn 
оп or drop out. It changes, man, far 
out! Do your own thing! Pick your 
favorite performer. Check out the 
headlines of the times. You're in 
control!” 


Sorry, but anyone who is sitting at 
home in front of a computer screen 
mouthing Woodstock karaoke off a 
CD-ROM is anything but in control. 
But then, obscuring the line be- 
tween life experience and computer 
screen is Hoodstock's modus operan 
di: "Maybe you didn't make it to 
Woodstock. Or just don't remember 


J.C. HERZ 


ILLUSTRATION BY RAFAL OLBINSKI 


PLAYBOY 


12 


being there. It doesn't matter" Of 
course it doesn't. It’s an even better 
trip on CD-ROM! 

Hmmph. I turn up my nose, leery 
as ever. 


I will not like these CD-ROMs. 
. 


But then I see discs that have, oh yes, 
a point. A purpose. Planning. Some di- 
rectorial vision. Actual thought, bless- 
edly on the rise among CD-ROM 
developers, makes a tremendous dif- 
ference. To illustrate, allow me to com- 
pare two titles that deal with the same 
subject, New York City. 

Exhibit A: New York, NY, a Chamber 
of Commerce-style treatment. of the 
Big Apple (Aris Multimedia) designed 
to let rhe armchair tourist "visit famous 
landmarks, stroll the avenues, shop for 
bargains without spending a dime and 
experience the hustle and bustle that 
makes New York the city that never 
sleeps!" Stops include Times Square 
and Rockefeller Center, and there's а 
jazzy soundtrack by the guy who scores 
Baywatch. It's an unmitigated yawn. 

Exhibit B: Hell Cab (Time Warner 
Interactive), a whirlwind tour-cum-ad- 
venture game by Pepe Moreno, author 
of DC Comics’ graphic Batman novel 
Digital Justice. Hell Cab begins in a hy- 
реттегі, comic-book rendering of Times 
Square, complete with illuminated bill- 
boards and Sony screen. A Raymond 
Chandleresque voice-over intones, 
“Welcome to New York, the Big Apple, 
the town where anything goes. You've 
missed your connecting flight and have 
time to kill. So why not hop in a cab 
and take in the sights? There's only 
one problem: You've just gotten into 
the wrong cab.” The sky bursts into 
apocalyptic orange flames behind the 
Hell Cab logo. 

The voice-over continues: “Maybe 
you didn't notice the 666 on the license 
plate. Maybe you didn't see the devilish 
gleam in the driver's eye. Either way, 
there's no turning back. You've just en- 
tered the Hell Cab." The Sony screen 
in Times Square comes to life with 
video footage of a landing strip viewed 
from an airplane window. It cuts to a 
frenzy in the baggage-claim area and а 
hellish rush through garishly lit airport 
corridors. Quick cuts and grainy hip 
shots convey an overwhelming sense of 
panic and claustrophobia. In other 
t's a typical New York airport 
experience. 

My computer monitor fades to black; 
then yellow letters appear, announc- 
ing: JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, NYC. THE 
PRESENT. And lo, there 1 am, in a sleek 
comic-book version of JFK, facing the 
exit doors and an automated teller ma- 
chine. Instinctively, I head straight for 


the cash machine (amazing how sur- 
vival instincts manifest themselves in 
virtual reality). After performing the 
comforting ATM ritual of punching in 
my name and a PIN code, I am re- 
warded with game instructions. The 
object of Hell Cab is simple, I'm told: 
Survive the Mephistophelian cabdriv- 
er's sight-seeing tour with my soul in- 
tact. Decisions at crucial points in the 
game either add to or subtrac from my 
spiritual equity, which registers on the 
Soul-o-Meter in the lower right corner 
of my screen. My decisions can also get 
me killed, which is a no-no, for I have 
only the conventional three lives. 

The cab rolls up and 1 get in. The 
driver's eyes glow red in the rearview 
mirror as he pulls away from the curb 
(1 swear I've had this cabdriver before). 
When the taxi stops, the fare is more 
than 1 can pay—hence the "special 
deal" wherein I gamble my soul to es- 
cape the demon cabbie. 

Now that's virtual reality. 


Having nibbled at the edge of one 
green egg and not having keeled over 
with botulism, I decide to take another 
bite. The yolky part this ime. And it's 
not bad. 

Voyager's Freak Show, created by Bay 
Атса rock auteurs the Residents, is by 
far die yolkiest CD-ROM out there. Re- 
splendent in its viscosity, the disc is a 
surreal and thoroughly noir spectacle. 
of sideshow mutants such as Harry the 
Head and Wanda the Worm Woman. 
Not content merely to view their bi- 
zarre performances, I make my way 
behind the carnival tent and invade 
their trailers to catch glimpses of their 
pathetic private lives. I watch Benny 
the Bump case back into his Barca 
Lounger, his massive protuberance of 
excess flesh hanging limply from his 
chest as he channel-surfs through shat- 
tered sound bites of late-night blather. 
It would be depressing if it weren't so 
murderously funny (the screen within 
a screen delivers an extra jolt of irony) 
Freak Show's illusions fall somewhere 
between the Twilight Zone and Salvador 
Dali: Flying eyeballs and rolling heads 
appear, then disappear into curtains 
and floorboards. The result is a mix- 
ture of charm and horror. 

Likewise Interplay's Ваше Chess CD- 
ROM, which takes a page out of Monty 
Python and ће Holy Grail. It's your basic 
computer chess game, except that each 
piece is a medieval character who talks, 
walks and performs extended battle зе- 
quences with the opposing pieces. The 
game opens to courtly musical accom- 
paniment and a view from your side of 
the marble chessboard, revealing the 
golden locks and shapely derriere of 


the Red Queen (half Mae West, half 
Raquel Welch, she complains about 
nail breakage after slaughtering her 
opponents). Among the pawns and 
knights, there is much bloodshed and 
decapitation. Knights lop off one an- 
other's limbs one at a time, leaving the 
designated loser hopping up and down 
оп one foot before the winner finishes 
him off. As an added bonus, you can 
take back moves and replay the good 
parts. If you ever thought chess was 
overcivilized or pedestrian, Battle Chess 
is the way to go. 

Other star contenders in the attack- 
and-destroy category аге Lucasarts’ 
Rebel Assault and Cyberflix’ Lunicus. 
The former, based on Star Wars, splices 
scenes from the movie between seg- 
ments of game play. In true George 
Lucas fashion, Rebel Assault pushes 
emotional buttons. Who wouldn't feel a 
pang of nostalgia when confronted 
with a black opening screen and the 
magic words, “A long time ago in a 
galaxy far, far away,” followed by a 
Close-up of an Imperial Star Destroyer? 
Later, you also see the Death Star (it 
still looks exactly like the AT&T logo). 
Before I know it, I'm in the cockpit of 
Luke Skywalkers X-wing, saving the 
galaxy to the orchestral accompani- 
ment of the London Symphony Or- 
chestra. Hammy, yes, but satisfying. 

Lunicus takes a similarly ballistic ap- 
proach; namely, putting a gun in your 
hand and having you blow up every- 
thing in front of it. When the alien in- 
vaders loom in your sights, shoot. Play 
"Ahnohld," wreak wanton destruction 
and save the earth. Very cathartic, yah? 

Jump Raven, another Cyberflix disc, 
succeeds on a more sophisticated (but 
equally violent) level, injecting twisted 
humor into the usual postapocalyptic 
scenario. Ihe premise is this: In the 
wake of the second Clinton adminis- 
tration (Hillarys, not Bill's), New 
York Nazi skinheads have hijacked 
pods containing the last DNA samples 
ofthe earth's extinct species. Your mis- 
sion: To pilot a craft through the 
Bronx, Brooklyn and Manhattan, blow 
up the skinheads and other bad guys 
and retrieve the DNA pods. In other 
words, you can justify wholesale de- 
struction in the name of environmental 
protection. Whar's more, the gear in 
this game would reduce James Bond to 
a puddle of drool. Your vehicle, for in- 
stance, sports four 2200-horsepower 
Rolls-Royce turbofan engines, an im- 
pressive arsenal of bombs, rockets, mis- 
эйез, lasers and machine guns, and a 
killer stereo. 

Jump Raven pulls no punches, and 
that's part of its charm. One of your 
options for background music is a 
fictional band called Planet Flannel, 

(continued on page 155) 


“Honey, T'U do my best.” 


HOT ON HOT 


INCENDIARY SUPERMODEL AMBER SMITH ROCKETS FROM 
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED TO PLAYBOY TO HOLLYWOOD 


SUPERMODEL AMBER SMITH bursts into the room and lands in a soft chair. She says, a little nervously, ^I bet I have lipstick on 
my teeth." If so, we hadn't noticed. All told, she's wearing maybe a yard of gossamer curve-hugging silk. She calls it a slip 
dress—as ifa name might make it more substantial. Add two wings and she could be a nymph. We are meeting at the Next 
Management agency in New York, a real-life version of TV's Models Inc. There's a herd of six-foot-tall men and women 
glamorizing the reception area. Set against the chill of their perfection, Amber throws off melting heat. In the competitive 


world of modeling, that is her 
signature. A couple of years 
back, this now-22-year-old 
flamingo from Florida dyed 
her hair flame-red, put on 20 
pounds or so and invaded Eu- 
rope—tossing off tempests 
and tantrums wherever she 
went. If anything, her behav- 
ior added to her mystique. 
With her wild ways and feral 
looks, she vaulted onto maga- 
zine covers and fashion run- 
ways. Then came appearances 
in two Sports Illustrated swirn- 
suit issues. She thereby joined 
the ranks of the models we 
call super: Using her global 
notoriety as leverage, she has 
begun to explore an acting ca- 
reer. Look for her in the 
thriller. Lowball and in Paul 
Mazursky's new feature, Faith- 
ful, in which she plays Ryan 
O'Neal's mistress. According 
to one expert, the role is in 
her eastern European genes. 
"When Karl Lagerfeld found 
out that І ат Hungarian," 
Amber notes, “he told me that 


5 


Hungarians make the best 
mistresses.” Amber prepares 
for acing roles by sitting at 
home in front of the VCR, re- 
playing and mimicking the 
performances of her favorite 
actresses. To prepare for her 
starring role in rLayoy, she 
covered her bedroom walls 
with posters of such pinup 
classics as Rita Hayworth, 
Jayne Mansfield and her all- 
time idol, Marilyn. Monroe. 
(‘If you walked into my room, 
you'd think [ was a lesbian,” 
she jokes.) Naturally, she re- 
quested that Bert Stern do the 
photography. He made histo- 
Ty in 1962 by shooting Mari- 
lyn Monroe's last nude photo 
session. "Even though Amber 
doesn't really look like Mari- 
lyn, she reminds you of her 
because of her wonderful fa- 
cial expressions," says Stern. 
Amber's ideas about her lip- 
stick, nail color and looks fre- 
quently inspire catwalk catti- 
ness—models are expected to 
be blank canvases. "When I 


walk into a room I know some 
girls whisper to each other 
and say, ‘She's so vulgar. But 
you know, this is who I am.” 
As Amber says this, she throws 
up her arms, setting off an al- 
luring tremor through the 
slip dress. “For me to be 
sexy—and this is what I told 
Bert Stern—I need humor 
and playfulness. І can’t do in- 
nocence,” she says. And yet, 
her innocent enjoyment of 
nudity is а compelling trait. 
Amber recalls that “a friend in 
Paris called me ‘My naked 
roommate," 
tion for going au naturel. 
"There is also a certain naked- 


for her predilec- 


ness in her steady gaze. It isa 
personal projection she calls 
“hot on hot.” Maybe this fire 
comes from her father, Russell 
Smith, a former running back 
for the San Diego Chargers. 
She grew up in a tough part 
of Tampa, and had to fight 
her way out of gangs of girls 
who hassled her at school. 
"That's where I got this," she 


122 


says, pointing to a charming 
imperfection on the bridge of 
her nose. She never lost a 
bout. Her ambition hasn't al- 
lowed for much relaxation. 
Incredibly she claims she 
hasn't been on a date in a year 
and a half. “It’s hard to meet 
people. I guess that's sad,” 
Amber says. She looks for- 
ward to a planned move to 
Los Angeles, to further estab- 
lish herself as an actress and 
allow some time to look in- 
ward. She says that while on 
the set of her most recent 
movie, "I felt my temper ris- 
ing and it scared me. Movie 
people wouldn't put up with 
that. Some say I'm a 16-year- 
old child still. Thats scary 
100." The time has come for 
Amber and her slip dress to 
move on. After a thank-you 
and а goodbye, she leaves the 
office. The agency's bookers 
raise their jaded eyes as she 
passes by She is, indeed, 
someone to watch. 
—CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 


PLAYBOY 


the ratings battle with Conan O'Brien 
and Tom Snyder? 

stewart: Conan's not stalking me. I 
don't think a fistfight is going to happen. 
He is bigger than I am, but I'm harder to 
knock over. It would be a pleasure to get 
my ass kicked by Snyder. He is a legend 
in the broadcasting world. What's w 
about syndication is that we are up di- 
rectly against Conan in only 13 markets. 
In others we're on at various times, mid- 
night or one am. And our lead-in every 
night is different, depending on where 
we're on. In some places is Top Cops. In 
others it's that infomercial with the crazy 
blond guy who makes people cry when 
he predicts their futures. You worry 
about ratings because if they suck, you 
have to leave. They come in one day and 
say, "Guess what? No one's watching 
you. See ya." But in the sense of day-to- 
day worrying, you have to ignore it be- 
cause it's such an abstract concept. They 
hand you a number and say, “This is 
your number.” You don’t have a feel for 
it. If we have a shitty show it seems that 
the same number of people watch it as 
when we have a good show. I did Co- 
пап" show. He's extremely tall. | was im- 
pressed by that. That always impresses 
me more than anything else. I’m five 
feet seven. Not that short. But for some 
reason the illusion on television is that 
you're larger, and so the comment I get 
most from people is: “You seem taller on 
“TV.” And richer and better looking and 
they all think I have a nicer apartment. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Are you trying to create a view- 
er cult to distinguish yourself from older 
and taller talk show hosts? 

STEWART: It would be nice. I prefer to 
create a show that is more niche-orient- 
ed. One of the things that's different 
about working for Paramount is that 
their idea of what we should do with the 
show and my idea are somewhat differ- 
ent. They would love for us to broaden 
out and embrace all that is out there, but. 
my feeling is that’s already out there. I 
would much rather make it an odder 
show, create something on television 
that people can't get other places. If you 
can see Clint Black on Leno and Letter- 
man maybe you shouldn't want to get 
him on my show. Maybe you want to get 
Bad Religion or Compulsion or some 
other band on our show. 


7. 


PLAYBOY: Do you want your viewers 
awake or would you prefer they tape 
124 your shows and watch the next day? 


JON STEWART „л page 109) 


You worry about ratings because if they suck, you have 
to leave. They say, "No one's watching. See ya." 


stewart: I prefer they use a VCR be- 
cause to me that’s a higher level of civi- 
ization, one that 1 can't begin to ap- 
proach. If they know how to program 
their VCRs to tape our show, these are 
bright people. These are good people. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: We noticed a recent mention of 
Joey Buttafuoco. Just how long will you 
talk show hosts invoke that name in an 
attempt to get laughs? 

STEWART: We aren't allowed to mention 
Buttafuoco too much because that name 
is the intellectual property of David Let- 
terman. I brought up Buttafuoco be- 
cause Ralph Macchio was a guest. He's 
from Long Island and I wanted his take 
on the madness that seems to be explod- 
ing there. My hometown is right outside 
Trenton, which is the home of Champale 
and Trojan rubbers. You'd think far 
more scandal would come out of Tren- 
ton than Long Island, which is an aero- 
space community. Trojans and Cham- 
pale is a recipe for trouble, but it never 
happens. We also played Clue to decide 
the O.]. Simpson case. We did that about. 
two weeks into the new show. I thought 
we were breaking new ground. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: How hard do you work to plug 
a guest's latest film, TV show or CD? 
STEWART: Not very. But we realize that’s 
typically why they're there. It's not like 
anybody does the show because they 
really like me or really want to sit on а 
car seat. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: In one recent week, you men- 
tioned the value of the U.S. dollar 
against the Canadian dollar, the Swiss 
franc and the Japanese yen. Are you try- 
ing to lock in the viewership of econom- 
ics students who are pulling all-nighters? 
STEWART: We're here to educate. А lot of 
our writers come from The Wall Street 
Journal. So we've done а lot of jokes 
about Paul Volcker. I have to cross Paul 
Volcker jokes off the list all the ume. 
We are nostalgic. We don't go with 
Greenspan because Volcker is big, and if 
you're an economist and you don't have 
a cigar you're not worth shit. If nothing 
else, my vocabulary is expanding at an 
enormous rate. William Shatner taught 
me what desultory means. Last week 1 
learned veracity. 


11. 


PlayBoy: Do you take time to visit with 
your guests in the green room before 


they appear on the show? 

stewart: I introduce myself so that when 
they come out they know who they 
should walk toward. On MTV, the green 
room was more like the waiting area be- 
tween dressing rooms. Now we actually 
have a Ише area where people hang out 
and watch the show. I don't want to brag, 
but we've stocked it with much of New 
York's finest discarded furniture and 
we've upgraded the fruit plate and 
everyone gets sandwiches. It's a whole 
new world out there for us right now. 
We're not trying to chintz people. We 
want them to have a nice time when they 
come here. If you want coffee you can 
have it. We're unbelievable with the bev- 
erages. That's sort of our calling card. 
Your mouth wor't go dry on our show, 
and that's how we pitch it to guests. Too 
many times they're parched on shows. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: Your parents divorced when 
you were young. Were you scarred by 
your experience with the breakdown of 
the American family? 

STEWART: I am still bitter and hurt, and 
when I get big enough to criticize them 
on the cover of People magazine, the bit- 
terness will come out. I'm sure at some 
point ГИ be able to use it to my advan- 
tage, as the seed for my alcohol addic- 
tion or some sort of rehabilitation that 
ГІ need to go through. Or maybe it was 
the catalyst for the pain that drove me 
into a shell of defensive humor, which 
led me to what I do now. I'm sure that if 
my parents hadn't divorced, I'd be total- 
ly different and you'd be interviewing 
me about my job at the State Depart- 
ment. My dad left my mother when he 
was about 40, and he married his secre- 
tary. 1 thought, Wow, that is so hack- 
neyed. Dad, couldn't you come up with 
something a little more original, like 
marrying maybe a cheerleader? My dad 
had a kid when he was 50-something. 
I'm sure he's going to be like Anthony 
Quinn. He'll be 80 years old and he'll tell 
me, "Guess what? You have another 
brother!" "Oh, that's great, Dad." 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Analyze your publicly ex- 
pressed ambition to be a veterinarian. 
stewart: I actually wanted to be Dr. 
Doolittle. I wanted to help creatures who 
can't help themselves. For some reason I 
always felt a certain romance—platonic, 
mind you—with animals. There was 
something about being able to commu- 
nicate with them. But then you realize 
that, basically, your life would be putting 
your thumb up a cat's butt. And squeez- 
ing the anal glands of a ferret. Which is 
not so romantic as thinking, ГИ heal 
horses. Then you think maybe you'd 
rather play a vet in a movie. Then you'd 
just get a stunt double—a hand model 
with a rubber glove—and make him take 
care of it. 


14. 


mavsov: You've decried the lack of hot 
Jewish girls on television while you were 
growing up. Has the situation changed 
lor the better? 

stewart: Now I don't think I care as 
much about it. It was all very much white 
America on TV when I was a kid. Blond 
kids. Except for The Munsters. But I don't. 
think they were Jewish. Not that they 
would have had any sitcoms like The 
Rothsteins: "This week it's Purim. Betty 
dresses up like Esther." I grew up m an 
area that wasn't very Jewish. And we 
weren't very traditional. But I did know 
that it was an odd thing to be Jewish. 
And I went ro college in the South, 
where it was an even odder thing. I met 
these guys from Danville, Virginia who 
were nice, sweet guys but who would just 
y. "So you're a Jewish fella. We've nev- 
er met a Jewish fella like you befoi 
They would always follow it up wi 
"You're all right." And they were trying 
to make me feel good: "Let me tell you, I 
saw Fenil and I enjoyed it. I really did. 
Saw Fiddler on the Roof. 1 love those songs 
you people sing. How about them 
bagels? How about "ет? Mmm-mmm. 1 
love the way you control the media and 
banking.” "Well, thank you, sir, I appre- 
ciate that.” 


15. 


rLAvBOY: Tell us something surprising 
about Jewish mothers. 

STEWART: Excellent dancers. The stereo- 
type is that they're oppressive, but get 
them out on a dance floor and they're 
as light as a feather. They spin around. 
They lead and they wont allow you 
to lead. 


16. 


таувоу: Why in the world did you want 
to leave the suburbs of Trenton, New 
Jersey? 

STEWART: Trenton is a lovely area filled 
with—OK, I'm uying to think of what 
ivs filled with—nothing. That's why 1 
left. I don't think the comedy clubs 
Trenton and the TV production that's 
done there would have allowed me to do 
what I'm doing. We do have the state 
capitol and the planetarium. I could 
have worked at the planetarium. 


17: 


v viov: You once worked as a lab assis- 
tant. Can the citizens of this country 
sleep beuer knowing that you no loi 
er oversee the disposal of biomedical 
waste? 

STEWART: Yes, they can. I wasn't very re- 
sponsible. 1 was there for three weeks 
before I realized that I was supposed to 
wear gloves when I handled any of the 
materials. And oversee is the wrong 
word. It was more like clean up. I 
worked at a lab in New Jersey. The peo- 
ple in white coats were lovely and bright. 


They were working on a new cancer re- 
search test. 1 was basically busing tables 
at a biology lab. I'd throw away all the 
stuff that looked like it was glowing, and 
then throw the orange bags into the spe- 
cial radioactive bin. There was a reason 
why things were supposed to be handled 
with care, but I wasn't the most diligent 
at that sort of thing. I also made agar, 
the jelly stuff that they grow things in. 
I became very accomplished and had a 
recipe down, and I'd add certain touch- 
es that would make it special. I was 
proud of it. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Is success at stand-up comedy a 
requirement for hosting a talk show? 
STEWART: Good question. 1 don't know if 


stand-up is a requirement for anything 
in Ше. [ feel weird that it's what Гт most 
trained for, because it’s really the thing 
that's most useless in today's society. IF 
this gig ever ends, I don't know if I can 


iew they'll say, "There'sa a hole 
in your résumé. Now, what did you do 
for seven years? Were you in prison?" 
"No, I was doing stand-up. 1 goofed 
around and distracted people and made 
them laugh." "Oh yeah, we need that in 
the office. Yes, we'll hire you." 


19. 


rLAvBOY: You performers from MTV 
may һауе а reputation for being hip. but 
don't you feel a little sorry that you 
missed the Sixties? 

STEWART: Oh yeah. The comedians who 
came out of the Sixties had truly fought 
oppression. Richard Pryor and Lenny 
Bruce had amazing things to talk about. 


They really opened people's eyes. I 
don't think anything I could say would 
ever shock or amaze people. I have а 
very suburban background. My comedy 
doesn’t come from pain. At 
ed a pair of Keds and didi 
bur it’s hard to make a 20-minute stage 
routine out of that. I'm probably sillier 
than that anyway. People marched in the 
Sixties. Now we come up with ad cam- 
Paigns against certain things. We're not 
marching, we're just cutting 30-second 
spots. We have Choose or Lose. We have 
Stop the Violence campaigns with really 
nice, cool music. Come on. We make a 
difference. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: Can any boy or girl in the U.S. 
grow up to be a talk-show host? 

srewart: I think so. Every channel will 
have its own talk show. I'm sure the 
Weather Channel will have a talk show. 
Al Roker will host. “What's your next 
project?” “Well, I'm working on Hurri- 
cane Bertha right now. It's very exciting 
and here's a clip. Let me set this up for 
you. What you're seeing is rain." The 
people will applaud. You know, I dread 
the day when there will be some sort of 
uprising. The public will say, "We have 
had enough. We don't want to know 
what the celebrity's next project is. We 
don't care. We don't want to take a look 
at the next clip.” At some point the pub- 
lic's curiosity will end, and unless you ac- 
tually bring the celebrity to their houses, 
unless Schwarzenegger comes to sit with 
them and tell them what he's doing, they 


won't care. 


"Maybe you should consider using a cologne with 
a little less musk in it!” 


125 


` , 
Hoster 4 Pran (continued from page 76) 


He tickled her down inside her throat; she wanted to 
swallow him, to draw him in, drink him. 


PLAYBOY 


exist—there was only that single orgas- 
mic moment in which she was borne to 
eternity on the tip of his tongue. 


Coming back to reality wasn't easy. It 
was like trying to awaken from a deep 
sleep; she had no idea how long she had 
been in this room with billowing cur- 
tains. Had it been ап hour, a day, а 
night? She was sitting in the armcha 
her legs parted, the tiny white panties 
from Paris thrown over the armrest. 
When had he taken them off? She lifted 
up her head and looked around the 
room. Ricardo was standing by the win- 
dow, a neat young man in a pressed 
shirt. He seemed untouched, almost 
cool, and was watching tufis of clouds 
chase across the sky. Shame ran through 
her like a sword. How could she have 
succumbed to it, surrendered to him? 
How could she have let herself be so de- 
graded? He turned from the window 
and smiled at her. There was nothing tri- 
umphant in his gaze. 

“We could take a walk on the beach. 
There are some shorts and I-shırts in 
the bathroom. You might find some- 
thing comfortable.” 

She stayed in the shower a long ume 
and dried herself carefully, avoiding the 
mirror. Her body wasn’t built for these 
kinds of adventures anymore; the mus- 
des in her arms were sagging, she had 
endured three pregnancies. Or maybe it 
wasn’t that bad yet? Probably not, if she 
could attract a young man, and not just 
attract, but drive him to follow her 
around the world. Again it occurred to 
her that Ricardo might not be quite nor- 
mal and that she might end up a corpse 
in some canal. 

There were enough clothes in the 
dressing room to fit out a whole team of 
girls, everything white. The owner of 
this house is obsessed with innocence, 
she thought gloomily. Those tend to be 
the worst. She imagined everything that 
took place in the room with the billowing 
curtains had been closely observed by a 
voyeur, and this did nothing at all for 
her peace of mind. 

They walked out. A flock of seagulls 
swooped toward them greedily and 
then, screeching in disappointment, dis- 
appeared again behind the trees. They 
padded through dark, virtually black 
sand, in which the mica glistened like 
rhinestones. She sat down and listlessly 
scooped sand up into her palm, along 
with the grimy seashells. She cleaned off 

126 one shell that had an elongated crack in 


it and stared at its pinkish lining. It was 
similar to a human mucous membrane, a 
woman's mucous membrane. A sheath. 
АЙ at once she felt completely exhaust- 
ed. Ricardo, as if sensing it, took her 
hand and walked to a restaurant where a 
row of white metal tables sat beneath 
striped umbrellas. A waiter brought es- 
presso and two glasses filled with a li- 
queur that tasted almost bitter. She ob- 
served her hand in amazement as it held 
an empty glass. There she was, having a 
glass of liqueur with a man she barely 
knew, feeling as hungry and worn out as 
an alley cat. 

The waiter covered a table with a 
white tablecloth and brought over a vase 
with a single white rose. Where did he 
get it? There were no flowers anywhere 
else. Or tablecloths either. She couldn't 
stand the silence any longer. 

“1 don't understand this at all. It's like 
а movie. A stupid Hollywood romance. 
Look——” She pointed to the beach, 
across which two young girls ran, wear- 
iest bathing suits. They 
squealed with delight at their own per- 
fection. Their long legs flew by like the 
stalks of succulent plants. "Why me?" 

"Ive wanted to be sitting with you 
here for the longest time." Suddenly, his 
tone was familiar. It caught her by sur- 
prise, but then she realized she had 
started the conversation. 

"Whose house were we in?" 

“Mine. I wouldn't invite you to a rent- 
ed house." 

“And if I had gone somewhere other 
than Rome?” She laughed uneasi 

“I would've bought a house some- 
where else. I like hotels, but for some 
things one’s own place i is better.” 

‘or what things?” she asked quickly. 

“1 wanted to seduce you,” he replied 
in a conversational manner, and pushed 
the breadbasket toward her. 

“But why me?" she groaned. 

His eyes darkened, as they had when 
he had seen that she wanted him to 
touch her. For a minute she was afraid 
everything might happen all over again, 
here, on a public beach under a striped 
umbrella, at a table spread with a white 
tablecloth. And she'd give in like a lamb. 

“Someday I'll tell you. Now let's eat." 

He had proved to her that he, the 
young stud, could have his way with her, 
an aging mare. That night he would tell 
his friends about her in a bar, laughing 
about how blown away she was by it all. 

“Hester,” she heard his voice and she 
heard her name. "You have no reason to 
feel ashamed and no reason to be sad. 
Believe те” He caught her hand and 


with a comforüng gesture placed it 
against his face. With a great effort she 
gained control of herself. 

"Can we go?" she said and pushed 
away her plate. She wanted to be gone, 
to Бе home, to take the first plane back to 
New York, to put on Sibelius and forget 
Ricardo, completely forget all about him. 
She didn't wait for him to pay but 
walked quickly back toward the house, 
which now struck her as monstrously 
big. She avoided the main entrance and 
in a sudden panic ran down the path to- 
ward where the car was parked. 

"You have your things inside. Your 
purse, your shoes," said Ricardo, pant- 
ing slightly as he caught up with her. 
"You should dean up." 

She ran back into the hall and stopped 
in front of a mirror on the wall. Could 
this be her, this bewildered creature in 
wrinkled shorts? 

But his face was hardened with desire 
and the immense relief she felt brought 
her down to her knees. She grabbed his 
sides and pressed her head against him. 
She clutched him as tightly as a drown- 
ing person clutches a log. She awkward- 
ly unzipped his pants and his penis 
popped out like a jack-in-the-box. It was 
velvety smooth and fragrant. She licked 
him like an ice-cream cone, sucked him 
like a pacifier. He tickled her down in- 
side her throat; she wanted to swallow 
him, to draw him in, drink him, suck up 
all that sweetness and giddiness. How 
many pulls to victory? It won't take 
much more, the charging horse is almost 
there, already he is rearing his head so 
that he can burst through the finish line. 
She'll force him to surrender to her. 
Why can't I have you simultaneously in 
my mouth and in that chasm between 
my legs? Plug me from both sides and ГИ 
explode like a keg of dynamite. 

She forced herself to open her mouth 
and let him jut out into the open until 
she felt the flame of his impatience tickle 
her. I'ma fast learner, she thought in the 
back of her mind. By some mysterious 
trick she managed to stand up and slip 
off her shorts at the same time. 

“No,” he begged. 

“Why not?” 

She pulled him down to the ground 
and pressed herself against him. 

“Why not?” she repeated, convinced 
that she was in charge of the situation, 
the queen bee, the mother of mothers. 

“No,” Ricardo called out and flipped 
over. She didn't know how he did it, but 
his lips glued themselves to her again. 
His tongue penetrated her crotch, for: 
ful and commanding. Instead of wi- 
umphant victory she was overwhelmed 
by the sweetness of defeat. 

"Why not?" she moaned as the cool 
tiles chilled her thighs. "Why по?” 

He didn't answer. 

The whole way back to Rome he re- 
mained silent and drove recklessly fast, 
as though he wanted to get the trip over 


with. In front of the house, he kissed her 
hand and said he hoped to see her soon. 
Once back in the apartment she rushed 
то the telephone and ordered a ticket 
back to New York. The next morning 


she left. 
. 


"The house was quiet, impeccably neat 
with just a few dishes left over from 
Steve's breakfast in the sink. Hester un- 
packed and threw her clothes in the 
wash, even the white panties from Paris. 
Her exhaustion manifested itself only 
in a vague feeling of irritability. She 
gamed Сосин ihe gr den енін Чо 
а few dry blossoms, weeded the flower 
bed and raked it. But the gardener had 
just been there and nature hadn't yet 
succeeded in undoing his work. She 
picked a handful of raspberries and 
swallowed them one by one. One was 
moldy and her mouth was suddenly 
filled with the unpleasant taste; she spit 
everything out and went back inside. 

She climbed into bed between the 
flawlessly stretched sheets and pressed 
herself into the mattress. She pressed 
her body into it, but it didn’t help, and 
she began to cry. She finally cried herself 
to sleep and woke up only when Steve 
gave her a kiss on the cheek. 

“Steve, I’m so happy to be home. The 
wip was awful. The flight was rough, 1 
thought I'd Бе sick.” She shut her eyes. 


But he didn't notice a thing. He 
brought her robe, they sat down togeth- 
er in the kitchen and he made them 
tomato-and-cheese sandwiches, covered 
with mayonnaise, that they chased down 
with beer. Meanwhile he was telling her 
how busy work was, and that the kids 
had called. Alan needed money for a div- 
ing trip and Nicole was having problems 
with her mountain climber. Everything 
was soothingly familiar and she could 
calm down, forget about the ecstasy en- 
tirely unsuited to her age and position. 
They went to bed. Steve knew she was 
tired and held her for a while, then 
rolled over to his side of the king-size 
bed, where he breathed evenly in and 
out, her dear husband on whom she 
could always depend. The question was, 
could he depend on her? 


It took Ricardo three days to get in 
touch. The joy she felt at the sound of 
his cloaked voice on the phone almost 
frightened her. Lazily he asked her how 
she was, and only after a minute of si- 
lence did he suggest they meet. 

“When?” she asked. 

“Now. I'm right in your area.” 

She quickly glanced at the mirror on 
the wall. She had to wash her hair, put 
on makeup, get dressed. 

“Be here in an hour,” she told him in 


a voice she hardly recognized. “Don't 
drive in front of the house, stay at the 
bottom of the hill.” 

She dried her hair and threw herself 
naked on the bed and masturbated, not 
for the sake of pleasure but because she 
wanted to steel herself for Ricardo, to 
stop the torrent of juices, to become a 
statue made of stone oyer which sex had 
по power. What a waste, she sighed, af 
ter her fingers finally drew out a tiny 
trickle of orgasm. 

She dressed and got into the Cadillac 
that Steve had bought for her birthday 
and slowly, practically at a crawl, drove 
to the end of the street. Ricardo was 
there in a white sports car, she couldn't 
tell the make. It was a tiny, fattened car 
that made her feel ridiculous inside her 
huge bourgeois sedan. She drove to the 
shopping center, parked the car and 
marched toward Ricardo. The sun 
shone right into her face; let him see me, 
every wrinkle, every year, every wakeful 
night with the children, all the dull after- 
noons and lonely evenings. As she was 
getting into the funny little car, which 
was uncomfortably narrow, she broke 
out into a sweat. Could he possibly mean 
to do it in the car? 

“I have to get home soon," 


she said 


She hesitated. She had loads of time. 
Steve wouldn't be back before seven and 


Miss March 
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128 


dinner would take only a half hour to 
pare. 

“I wanted to take you to my place. I 
think 1 have one of the best views in 
Manhattan. Over the East River." 

What do I care about wonderful views? 
she thought irritably. She was annoyed 
mainly with herself, because again she 
could feel the little snakes stirring inside 
her, deliciously stretching out, ready for 
the long пїр. 

“All right, lets go see your view. After- 
ward 1 can pick up my husband and go 
home with him.” 

He didn't answer and they were silent 
for the rest of the trip, an eternal half 
hour of racing along the highway, reck- 
lessly overtaking the slower vehicles. As 
he drove down into a garage and 
stopped at an automatic barrier, she felt 
the urge to get out and run away. Why 
was she heading straight for another 
dangerous situation? He could murder 
her just as easily in this elegant building 
packed with security cameras as in the 
villa in Ostia. But they were already on 
their way in the elevator, going straight 
to a private vestibule on the 38th floor. 

They entered a hallway through 
which they passed to a spacious living 
room. Then they climbed some steps to 
another room, and went to yet another 
room. It was a nonsensical apartment, 
filled with antiques, a labyrinth in which 
she felt lost. She didn't believe Ricardo 
really lived here. 


"So where's the view?" she asked. “Let 
me see the view." 

“You'll see it,” he replied awkwardly 
and pushed her through another door, 
into the bedroom. Finally a bed, she 
thought, finally something familiar, But 
he led her to the window and pulled 
open the blind. The river seemed to rear 
up aggressively, blindingly beautiful. 

“Lean out,” he said hoarsely. 

A charge of excitement erupted in her, 
as if all she waited for was a lighted 
match. She looked down the 40-story 
abyss. If she jumped, those 40 stories 
would run through her body and at the 
bottom the concrete pavement would re- 
ceive her with а loud splat. Ricardo put 
his arms around her. You don't have to 
jump to feel the vertigo of a free-fall, 
whispered his hands. We'll experience it 
together. You don't have to die to know 
fulfillment, you'll know it with me and 
you'll know it over and over again, soar- 
ing to the heavens and falling into hell. 
His body squeezed against hers like the 
palms of two hands, thumb to thumb 
and finger to finger. He was consuming 
her, fabric swished, she wished she had 
worn a skirt. Her lowered pants were 
confining her legs, but what did it mat- 
ter, she wouldn't run away. Ricardo was 
holding on to her sides and then she felt 
him between her legs. The sirens of am- 
bulances and fire trucks down below ca- 
reened madly beneath them, the surface 
of the water undulated with the sounds, 


“Maybe it would be easier to read if you 
took off your Wonderbra.” 


and he slipped into her. She bent over to 
let him in deeper, she stuck out her ass, 
incapable of hiding anything. She want- 
ed him, she wanted to be ripped in two 
and shattered into a thousand pieces, 
threaded on his penis. She wanted him 
to destroy any barriers of shame that 
might still be left, any traces of chastity, 


once a year, and that 1 
have to send you an invitation on coated 
paper, I thought you were crazy." 

He chuckled with satisfaction. “1 had 
10 shock you somehow." 

She moved uneasily. “But why with 
me? Why specifically ше? 

“I don't know why its specifically you. 
Why did you marry your husband and 
not another one of the guys who want- 
ed you?” 

“But we were suited to each other, we 
were compatible. 

“Is youth everything? Smooth skin 
and a flat stomach? To me you are beau- 
шш, you bring out the perfect balance of 
admiration and desire іп me, of sex and 
worship. It might sound weird, but it's 
true. Among monkeys the oldest female 
tends to be the most desired one." 

She gave an uncertain laugh and he 
carried her to the bed. Alter all that frus- 
wation she was finally in his arms, а 
small, ageless female. 


It was too risky to go to any motel in 
the area. With а lump in her throat she 
decided to invite him to her home. She 
told herself that nothing would happen. 
She would show him the house, they'd 
sit a while on the patio and then leave. 
The patio was walled in with glass but 
was protected from the eyes of outsiders 
by a privet hedge. The tea was hot and 
already Ricardo was kneeling between 
her legs, doing what he had said he 
wanted to do once a year and now did 
every single day, his head hidden under 
the white skirt while she gasped that he 
mustn't. But how could he take her seri 
ously when she didn't even have panties 
оп so as not to waste time? She had often 
sat there imagining that this chair would 
be the perfect place for sex on the tip of 
his tongue, the fir trees swaying and the. 
clouds blowing over their heads. There 
was no wind, but the firs moved anyway 
in the hot current of air, and the cloud. 
drenched with sun, formed psychedeli 
images in the sky. The wicker furniture 
was straining and she wished that he 
wouldn't put off her orgasm any 
longer—she wished the «ате thing 
every time and was always grateful that 
he paid no attention 


“Are you really 
about my training: 
her question. 


е you want to hear 
as his response to 


Hester nodded and felt her insides 
freeze. 

"When I was 21, on the day of my 21st. 
birthday, I met a woman. I backed out 
of a party my friends had planned for 
me and went to a motel with her, getting 
an education in sex. It was thorough 
training. It lasted almost four years.” 

"And then?" 

“1 got to be too old for her. I lost my 
air of freshness. After all those nights of 
fucking it was no wonder," he said 
bitterly. 

Nights of fucking. And all she gives 
him is a few hours in the afternoon. 

“The first few weeks, maybe months, I 
thought I'd go crazy. It was like losing ап 
arm or a leg, or half of myself,” he went 
on, though she had heard enough. "I 
ran all over the city looking for her. 
Then I tried sleeping with other women. 
Some were beautiful, but even if I made 
them wear whire, wide skirts it didn't 
work. [t's like when you're used to the 
ocean and then swim in a pool. Or in a 
puddle. Until I saw you. You remind me 
of her. You're not like her in appearance, 
but you move the same way, the same 
smile, the same mouth. I felt that if I 
could win you over I would feel whole 
again. And thats what happened," he 
concluded dryly. 

She felt sad. An aging female monkey 
initiated a young male into the secrets of 
sex, which he was now passing on to an- 
other aging female monkey. Nothing 
new under the sun. But she had to put 
up with it because she didn't want to lose 
him. That's the problem with relation- 
ships: They come as complete packages 
and we can't just pick out what suits us. 
Who was this boy actually, with a name 
straight out ofa Mafia movie? Where did 
he get the money that let him buy villas 
in Rome and duplex apartments in 
Manhattan? 

"Did you ever work?" she asked. 

“I work all the time," he shot back and 
his muscles tensed. 

“I mean were you ever employed? Did 
you ever work in an office from nine to 
five, like on Wall Street?” 

“1 hate Wall Street. For America: "s 
normal for a person to make his life's 
goal making money. Such a vulgar occu- 
pation. That the focus of life could be 
love. a relationship in the most sensual 
sense, is inconceivable to them." 

"You are American. too." she said 
adamantly. “And what's between us isn’t 
lov 

“How do you know? You squirm with 
pleasure when I lay one finger on you 
and you neglect your responsibilities so 
that you can spend as much time as pos- 
sible with me. How do you know it's not 
love, and that what goes on between you 
and your husband is?" 

She wanted to cry. It was not possible 
that she loved Ricardo—if she loved him 
her world would go to pieces, it would 
explode into the air and with it her three 


children and Steve, none of whom ever 
did anything to hurt her. 


"You look nice," said Steve when he 
got home that night. "You seem to be 
getting younger these days." 

“1 do what I сап,” she said with a pho- 
ny laugh. 

“It's criminal the way I neglect you, 
but it'll be over soon. The kids will be on 
their own. I'll stop working so hard." 

“L always thought you worked hard 
because you enjoy it, or don't you?" 

"Right now Pm enjoying you,” he 
whispered and pressed her close to him. 
“When was the last time we slept togeth- 
er?” He pulled off her robe and began 
kissing her breasts. “You smell so good, 
what if we went into the bedroom?” 

Hester lay back on the bed and 
watched him roll down his socks and 
shove them into his shoes. Aroused as he 
was, he didn't forget to fold his trousers 
along their pleats. Finally he was naked. 
A robust 60-year-old man, perhaps a bit 
on the stocky side, with a gray growth of 
hair on his chest and on his lower belly, 
below which hung his half-hardened pe- 
nis. His scrotum sagged and looked 
shriveled, as though worn out, and she 
was overwhelmed with pity. She stretched 
out her arms toward Steve, but he 
smiled apologetically and moved toward 
the bathroom, where he let the water 
run for a long time. The excitement that 
had begun, ever so slightly, to swell up 
inside her was insulted and disappeared. 
Steve slipped in next to her and placed 
into her hand his organ, which now, af- 
ter the thorough cleansing, had shrunk 
and gone limp. He grabbed her breast 
and squeezed it hard 

"Suoke me,” he begged. 

She slipped down his stomach and 
licked the tip of his penis. Then she 
opened her mouth and let him in. He 
choked her and, with each wrong move, 
made her retch. She could feel Steve's 
excitement coming dangerously to a 
head. She moved away from his groin 
and rolled over onto her back. Steve got 
on top of her and tried to force his penis 
into her, but he was impatient. He was 
shoving it into her like some GI in the 
back of a bar. Irritated, she hissed, but 
he did not notice. He managed to get it 
in and puffed away, working at it like a 
hydraulic piston. 

“Ready?” he asked after a few strokes. 
“Can I?" 

“Yes,” she whispered, because she felt 
his semen welling up and knew he 
couldn't hold it back, no matter how һе 
tried. He cried out and with one spas- 
modic burst he spurted into her. He 
then still went on pumping feebly for a 
few strokes, perhaps as a vague way of 
apologizing for his haste. 
you have it?" he whispered and 
she ү him апа snuggled up to him, 


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the devoted wife, content with every- 
thing. "You got me so excited with that. 
mouth. 

Afterward they took a bath together 
and lingered over dinner, sipping wine 
and talking, a happily married couple, 
safe from any calamity. 


PLAYBOY 


Having asked Ricardo over once, she 
brazenly continued. She chose Nicole's 
bedroom because it was furnished all in 
white, with white curtains, and a fabu- 
lous bed with a firm mattress and a door 
onto the garden. She would wake up at 
night and be incredulous that she, a re- 
spectable lady, an organizer of cultural 
events and a member of countless chari- 
table organizations, a devoted wife and 
the mother of three children, was letting 
a lover, young enough to be her son, in 
through the garden and spending hours 
with him in her daughter's bed. 

lt was a hot summer and their love- 
making was accompanied by the dron- 
ing of the air-conditioning, as if there 
were a giant bug buzzing in the room 
with them. The sound was regularly 
punctuated by the ringing of the tele- 
phone. The answering machine would 
record female voices, politely concerned 
about how she was and where she had 
disappeared to. She complained about it 
to Ricardo, who during their next en- 
counter abruptly stuffed wax earplugs 
into her ears and then wrapped her 
head in a velvety towel. All at once she 
was in the dark—she heard nothing, saw 
nothing. She felt slightly suffocated and 
it occurred to her what a beautiful death 
it would be. Her belly was bloated with 
pleasure, she was like a Thanksgiving 
turkey, stuffed with the most exquisite 
delicacies. Her blood was pounding until 
it rushed to her head. It pounded in 
time to Ricardo's pumping, yes, now he 
was in her, he slipped into her vagina but 
it wasn't enough for him, he broke into 
her womb znd from there permeated 
her entire being, forcing her to give him 
everything that up to then had been 
stashed away, her deepest fears and mis- 
givings, which he wrenched out of her as 
if he were disemboweling a fish. Then he 
coiled his way up her spine into her 
brain, where he set off a thousand fires 
in the gray matter. Then, with a giant in- 
jection, shot the final dose into her 
heart, which set the rocket off. 

At that moment someone pounded on 
the door. Hester heard it through her 
earplugs, ran disoriented into the front 
hall, and through the frosted glass rec- 
ognized Nicole. The key was on the in- 
side, her daughter couldn't get in, she 
went on ringing for a while, poking 
about in the lock, then walked around 
the house and aimed for her bedroom 
door. This door was locked, too, with 
curtains drawn. Ricardo, hastily dressed, 

190 stood by the front door, ready to leave 


the instant Hester let her daughter in 
the other door. 

“What are you doing here?” Hester 
said and feebly tried to smile. 

“I thought 1 still lived here.” 

“Sorry, 1 fell asleep,” she apologized. 
She heard the soft click of the front 
door; Ricardo was gone, but the bed was 
still warm, rumpled up and most likely 
emanating a strange scent. “I was out in 
the garden and suddenly felt sick. It's 
probably the heat,” she explained hur- 
riedly as she straightened the bed. 
Nicole watched her sullenly, suspicious 
and unfriendly. 

“] leave for a while and it’s already like 
I don't belong here. What'll happen 
when I go to college? Will you throw out 
all my stuff?” 

“What happened?” asked Hester, un- 
derstanding at once that her daughter's 
mood was not stemming from the di- 
shevcled bed. “Was the weather bad?" 

Nicole didn't answer and Hester came 
to the vague realization that over the 
next few days her daughter would be 
continuously home, half the time most 
likely in bed, in that wonderful bed with 
the hard mauress, which meant there 
would be no chance for Ricardo and her- 
self. And she would торе about looking 
despondent and neglected, Nicole, her 
18-year-old daughter with her whole life 
ahead of her, with countless possibilities 
for romantic adventure, miles of love- 
making їп beds all over the world, while 
she, who had this one and only final af- 
fair, which could end as abruptly as it Бе- 
gan, would have to comfort her, prepare 
favorite meals for her and act as a light- 
ning rod for her despondent mood. 

And as if Nicole's return wasn't 
enough, Steve came home with the news 
that he was taking off the next week and 
had already made a reservation at a 
small hotel on the Florida coast of the 
Gulf of Mexico, where there would be 
nothing but an empty beach, seagulls, 
pelicans and the sun on the horizon. 

"You don't seem happy about it at all," 
said her husband, a bit offended. "We 
can stay home." 

“TI bet you already have the tickets," 
she said, smiling, and headed upstairs to 
call Ricardo from the guest room on the 
other side of the house. 


Tampa welcomed them with a white 
glare, the air above the runway quive 
ing as if it were made up of dozens of 
separate layers. Everything was humid, 
sticky and slightly annoying. When they 
went out the next morning, they were 
virtually the only ones by the sea. The 
beach, washed by the night's high tide 
and littered with scallop and conch 
shells, gleamed with freshness. White 
herons stood poised in gardens, delicate 
and rather unearthly, more like figures 
of birds, cut out of paper, than actual 


birds. A formation of pelicans glided 
above the ocean’s rippling surface, sharp 
eyes scouting for breakfast. Small, mod- 
est sandpipers waited along the shore 
for a wave to stir up the sand, exposing 
tiny crabs and scallops. It was morning 
and everyone was hungry. 

Nicole expressed doubts as to what 
they were going to do here for a whole 
week. After breakfast, she rented a car 
and drove to St. Petersburg, where she 
bought a bathing suit and a silk blouse, 
but the thing that cheered her up was 
spotting Ricardo by the hotel pool. 

"Finally there's a guest who's not 100 
years old," she said to her mother. 

Тһе sight of Ricardo in his blue-and- 
white striped swimsuit, sitting under an 
umbrella and reading the paper, gave 
Hester such a shock that she dropped 
the bowl of ice she was holding and the 
cubes rattled across the concrete. Ricar- 
do kicked one of them into the swim- 
ming pool and politely smiled at her. He 
was pale, as though his skin had never 
been touched by the sun. And he was 
thin. Somehow she had never noticed 
how terribly thin he was. 

Thoroughly bewildered, she returned 
to the front desk for more ice. She could 
vividly imagine what would happen 
next. Nicole, thrilled to have found а 
companion, would bring him over to her 
parents, and he would join them for 
breakfast, lunch and dinner and have 
long discussions with Steve about the 
stock market. She didn't want it to hap- 
pen, she didmt want him going out 
dancing and to bars with Nicole. Am 1 
jealous? She startled herself. Is my world 
зо perverse that I'm worried about hav- 
ing to share my lover with my daughter? 

After dinner, Nicole went to her own 
room and Steve stretched out on the 
bed, complaining that he had a sunburn. 
Hester smeared his back with lotion and 
mixed him a strong whiskey with milk, 
his favorite bedtime drink. Ar the last 
second, she slipped a sleeping pill into 
the glass, feeling like Lucrezia Borgia. 
By the time she emerged from the bath- 
room, where she had changed into 
something that looked more like a white 
evening dress than a nightgown, Steve 
had already let his book drop from his 
hands. She turned out the light, turned 
up the air-conditioning and walked out 
onto the lawn in front of their room. It 
was early. Their neighbors were still sit- 
ting outside, smoking, drinking wine 
and having a quiet conversation, sepa- 
rated from her by only a low wall. She 
spotted a lone figure on the beach, wad- 
ing through the shallow water. That's my 
darling daughter, waiting for me to be in 
bed so she can parade herself out here, 
prey for sharks, except that a shark isn't 
what she has in mind. 

Ricardo stepped out of a shadow and 
softly called to her. They slipped 
through the fence into the garden and 
ran down to the sea and along the beach, 


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away from the hotel. Were Nicole to turn 
around, she would see them; it seemed 
like an cternity before she was out of 
their sight. They fell into each other's 
arms. She felt Ricardo trembling all over 
and his trembling passed оп to her—or 
was it her trembling reverberating from 
him? They lay down in the sand and 
held each other close for a long while 
without moving. She wanted nothing 
more than to feel his body and his 
hands, to rest in his embrace. The moon 
grew bright, it hung in the sky dear and 
close by, surrounded by stars. The dry 
leaves of the palm trees rustled benevo- 
lently, accompanied by the whirring of 
cicadas. She pulled her lacy gown up 
over her head and lay naked on the 
sand. He was naked, too, trying to slip 
his body under hers, to keep it from 
touching the cold sand. Their foreheads 
pressed together and their arms touched 
along their whole lengths. Their palms 
and fingers were entwined, their shoul- 
ders, chests, abdomens, thighs, knees, 
their shins and insteps—all had become 
one single being breathing with the 
rhythm of the sea below them, a slow 
continuous undulation like a ship rock- 
ing on the waves, forever buffeted by the 
salty, sweet, ardent surging. 

But then Ricardo gave a start and sat 
up. staring in the direction of the hotel. 
She saw Nicole approaching, a slim girl 
with long hair, the moon shining into 
her face. She hadn't seen them yet but 
was drawing nearer every second. Hes- 
ter froze with horror, unable to move. 
Ricardo pushed her until she rolled over 
and tossed something over her head 
Then, naked as he was, with his belliger- 
ent organ sticking out, he marched to- 
ward Nicole. She let out a frightened 
shriek and ran in panic. 

When Hester rushed back to the ho- 
tel, she was relieved to see the light on in 
Nicole’s room and her silhouette against 
the curtain. Steve was asleep, puffing 
away loudly on his side of the bed, and 
when she lay down next to him he 
moaned. The room was icy cold, the air- 
conditioning rattling softly at full blast. 
She pulled the sheets about her and felt 
the sand on her body. 


The beginning of September was 
chaotic. Alan and Bill came back from 
Europe and Nicole was getting ready to 
go ої to college. There were so many 
things to be taken care of, heaps of 
sheets to be bought for college beds, 
piles of sweaters and shirts to be washed 
She didn’t have a minute of free time. 
She cooked, baked and fried, listened to 
stories of travel adventures and began to 
feel sad about Nicole's departure. Some- 
times at breakfast she would gaze with 
pride at her two sons. They were both so 
handsome. Alan resembled Steve, a big, 


132 strong fellow with dark curly hair who 


liked to laugh out loud. Bill, fair and 
lanky, had taken after her, and was a slim 
young man with a bashful smile. She 
couldn't imagine them copulating with 
women, though she knew they did. 

She hadn't seen Ricardo since their re- 
turn from Florida. He didn't dare wait 
for her in her neighborhood now that 
Nicole knew him. She finally made it to 
Manhattan ten days later. Ricardo had 
explained a bit awkwardly that they 
couldn't go to the apartment that day, 
that his father had unexpectedly re- 
turned to New York and was staying 
there. Ricardo's father! If only she could 
meet him, then Ricardo would stop be- 
ing a mysterious person without past or 
future, a paper doll of which she knew 
only one side. But he obviously had no 
intention of introducing them and, for 
the first time, they went to a hotel. For 
the first time, she had to endure the 
glances of porters and bellhops who 
would perhaps smirk over the age differ- 
ence. The room was sumptuous, but she 
couldn't stop herself from thinking 
about the thousands of bodies that had 
left their imprints on the bed. 

"I'd like to know your dreams, your 
secret fantasies," Ricardo said. He 
pushed her away when she tried to em- 
brace him. She sensed today was going 
to be different, and not just because they 
hadn't been together in a long time. 

“I have no more dreams because you 
have made them a reality,” she said. But 
it wasn't true: Her tame dreams couldn't 
compare with what he had forced her to 
experience. And that was it: He had 
forced her, he had taken the time and 
hadn't asked her what she wanted, but 
had forced her to want what he was of- 
fering her. 

“I want you never to forget me,” he 
said with a faint. voice that sounded as 
though it were losing all its strength. She 
was startled by how sad he looked. He 
obviously had not been thinking of their 
erotic obsessions. She felt embarrassed. 
Was he worried about something he 
couldn't reveal to her? She knew noth- 
ing of his problems. For the first time, it 
occurred to her that he might also long 
to hold the foremost place in her heart, 
that he might not just want her for an 
obliging lover. 

"Hold me," he asked, suddenly more a 
child than a lover. When she put her 
arms around him he cuddled up to her, 
gently, almost meekly. She held him in 
her embrace and wished she were his 
mother, so that she would be linked with 
him forever as with her two sons. She 
would never have to fear the moment 
she would see him for the last time. They 
spent the rest of the afternoon in each 
other's arms in silence, comforted only 
by their harmonious, rhythmic breath- 
ing, until Hester had to get up and get 
dressed to join her husband. In the area 
just outside Steve's office sat a young 
woman whom she hadn't scen before, a 


redhead with a dreamy expression, just 
the type Steve liked. 

“Who's the new girl in your office?" 
she asked at dinner and Steve furiously 
poked about in his fish. 

“Which one do you mean?” 

"You know exactly which one I mean. 
You always had a thing for redheads.” 

"Angela? She's not new, you just don't 
know her." 

"Was she the reason you came back 
from Florida?" 

“You're crazy." 

Со ahead, admit it, say you're having 
an affair. I won't fall to pieces, ГИ admit 
that I'm having one, too. But she knew 
that the time in their marriage when 
they would have been able to confess 
such things was long gone. She didn't 
want to hurt him and he didn’t want to 
hurt her. They respected and liked each 
other, which was more than could be 
said for most other couples after 30 years 
of marriage. 

"You look really good today. In fact, 
its struck me how really good you've 
been looking these days. I can't wait to 
get home," said Steve suddenly, as he 
gave her knee a squeeze under the table. 
But by the time they got home he had 
forgotten all about it. He watched the 
news on television, took a long shower 
and was fast asleep before she had man- 
aged to take hers. She observed his rud- 
dy face with affection, relaxed in sleep. 
Steve, her strongest ally and. devoted 
partner. No matter what happened, they 
would never stop being friends. Sex isn't 
everything. 


The children left, and the house was 
polished down to the last doorknob. 
‘There were new satin sheets on Nicole's 
bed, but Ricardo was nowhere to be 
found. There was no answer at his tele- 
phone number and no answer from the 
apartment overlooking the river. 

She couldn't understand it. Some- 
thing must have happened, he must be 
sick, feverishly calling out her name, or 
he'd got into trouble and was in 
in a car accident and in the hospita 
head swam with terrible ideas. 

She walked through the house, stop- 
ping to pick up familiar objects and ex- 
amine them as if she didn't know what 
they were for, all those vases and candle- 
ks and crystal bowls. She stared at the 
ings on the walls, ran her hands 
over the furniture, over the excessively 
decorated, opulent Persian rugs—what 
was this all for, for what purpose? 

Then an envelope arrived, an enve- 
lope of the most expensive stationery, a 
bulging envelope containing a few mea- 
ger sentences: 


Dear Mrs. Mitchell, 

1 apologize for not having contacted 
you sooner but certain unforeseen 
events prevented me from doing so. The 
painting 1 had promised to obtain for 


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you is unfortunately not available. I am 
ly sorry, but there's nothing I can 
do about it, much as I would like to. I 
hope you are not very 
the world is full of paint 
for your patience and would bc very 
happy to meet with you again sometime. 
Yours forever sincerely, 
Ricardo N. 


PLAYBOY 


She reread the lines several times over 
and after an initial sense of relief at his 
being alive and well, she grew angry 
What are the unforescen events that he 
can do nothing about? Why hadn't he 
come to her, why hadn't he called? How 
long had he known that the "painting" 
was not available? 

She headed into town, for the apart- 
ment with the view of the river. She had 
never before been in the ostentatious 
lobby, with its brass light fixtures and 
plush scats. Ricardo and she had always 
driven into the underground garage 
and taken the clevator directly from 
there. The doorman looked as lifeless as 
the plants that lined the walls, and with 
icy courtesy made it clear that in this 
building no information about tenants 
was available, until a $20 bill broke 
through his reserve. 

“Which apartment do you have in 
mind?” 

“Тһе rooms were in a row and they all 
had a view of the river.” 

‘The doorman nodded. 

“Lhat apartment belongs to а Japa- 
nese businessman who's been away with 
his whole family for about six months 
now. The cleaning lady goes up, but no- 
body's been living there." 

He hurried off to accept a delivery 
and she was left standing there feeling 
miserable and embarrassed. What next? 
It was clear that Ricardo had been using 
the apartment secretly—who knows by 
what trick?—and the doorman had no 
inkling of it. It occurred to her that the 
garage was for tenants only and they 
were sure to remember his peculiar little 
car there. She walked out of the building 
and went to the garage entrance. At her 
ring, an older man in pressed overalls 
came out and glanced with interest 
at the bank note she held scrunched in 
her hand. 

“Excuse me for disturbing you, but a 
young man in a white Lancia parks here. 
Have you seen him lately? 

71 remember you," he said and looked 
her over more impertinently. "You came 
here a couple of afternoons. But I 
haven't seen him since. I don't even 
know whose apartment he was sublet- 
ting. It's not done much here.” 

"Do you remember his license plate 
number?" 

"What good would that be?" 

Ricardo should have pulled in then in 
his shiny sports car so that he could have 
seen what he had driven her to, how she 

134 was pleading with doormen and garage 


attendants. Should she hire a private de- 
tective? What would she tell him? That 
she had a young lover and lost him? It 
happens, dear lady, he would smirk, just 
as this man in dungarces now smirked. 
She walked along the street with tcars 
pouring down her cheeks, not knowing 
if she felt humiliated, heartbroken or 
just confused. 

ГІ never see him again! she cried 
silendy. Hell never hold me! And so 
what, it hadn't actually been love. She 
had tried to convince him of that herself, 
that it wasn't love. But sorrow trickled 
over her like a thick syrup. It seemed to 
her that the world was full of empty 
houses, empty hallways, empty beds— 
and her world would be like that now, 
probably forever. 

She got drunk that afternoon for the 
first time in her life. When Steve got 
home she was in bed, pretending she 
had the flu. She spent half the night 
throwing up and it was only with 
difficulty that she persuaded Steve not to 
call the doctor. She spent the days that 
followed listening to Italian operas, mu- 
sic that Ricardo had given her. The voic- 
es of the tenors bore her away to places 
where not long ago she had walked with 
him. Her whole body ached with long- 
ing. Occasionally she would draw hersclf 
close to Steve, who patted her affection- 
ately and turned down the knob on the 
stereo when the decibels exceeded a tol- 
erable level. Every ring of the phone 
made her jump, every white car filed 
her with renewed anticipation 


She parked on the third level of the 
Lincoln Center garage. Heading for the 
elevators, she stopped dead in her 
tracks. Right by a column, three cars 
away from her Cadillac, stood a white 
Lancia. The color of the upholstery was 
right, the scrape on the door was from a 
collision with a truck near Glen Cove. Ri- 
cardo's Lancia, no doubt about it. The 
ticket behind the windshield indicated it 
had pulled into the garage at nine л.м.; 
now it was almost two. He should be get- 
ting back from lunch any minute, she 
thought, but she knew she would wait, 
even if he didn't show up until after din- 
ner. The underground air was suffocat- 
ing, the ventilation wasn't strong enough 
to clean out the exhaust fumes. Before 
long she had a headache. 

At three o'clock a tall young man, 
taller than Ricardo, got off the elevator 
and headed toward the Lancia. 

Excuse те,” she called. 

“Can | do something for you?" he 
asked, a bit taken aback. “If you're hav- 
ing car trouble I'll send someone down." 

"No. I, I know this car. And I know 
Ricardo." 

"Ricky? Yeah, I bought it from him." 

"When?" 

“It was about a month, maybe five 


weeks ago. Why?" 

"Ricardo wasa friend of my son's, they 
had some kind ofa quarrel. My son іссіз 
very depressed about it," she said, piec- 
ing a story together. "Would you know 
where he is?” 

"Same old story. Ran out of money. 
Now he's someplace in Italy. He has rel- 
atives there. It's a lot easier without cash 
in Europe than here." 

"But [ thought he was rich." 

"He inherited something, but I guess 
it was less than he was counting on. He 
loves to act like a big shot." 

Money! How could you leave me be- 
cause of money? I would have given you 
everything I had. 

Тһе young man was watching Hester 
carefully. 

“Are you all right? Did I say some- 
thing wrong?" 
nothing. Im glad I can give ту 
son the news. He was worried that some- 
thing might have happened to him." 

He didn't believe a single word she 
had sai But you really don't look well. 
How about if I bought you a drink?” 

She was looking at the strong hand 
that he had placed on the halfopened 
door of the Lancia. Its skin was smooth 
and taut, without protruding veins. An 
attractive hand. 

“Come on, I know a nice place close 
by. Is your car locked?" 

She shook her head. 

"Then go ahead and lock it” he 
said, laughing. 

She returned to her Cadillac, got in 
and started the engine. His face ap- 
peared at the window 

"I thought we were going to have a 
drink." 

She shook her head again and slowly 
backed up. It was a narrow slot and she 
could barely see through her tears, but 
she made it. The man stood there look- 
ing at her. He looked nice, healthy, 
American. The world is full of paintings, 
Ricardo had written. But not for me, she 
sobbed. For me, there was just оле 

And then, all at once, she changed 
gears and pulled in again. The driver of 
a black Mercedes waiting for the spot 
blew his horn in annoyance. Hester 
turned off the ignition, glanced in- 
to the rearview mirror and wiped her 
eyes. What luck that she was dressed the 
right way, as if she were going to meet 
Ricardo. 

“T see you change your mind quickly,” 
said the young man when she got out. 

“I'm just keeping you іп suspensi 
she replied as she locked her door. “ 
makes it more interesting.” 

“That sounds like the right approach 
to life,” he agreed, and together they 
headed for the elevators. 

— Translated from the Czech by Veronique 

Firkusny-Callegari. 


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PLAYBOY 


136 


THE GURU AND THE GADELY (continued from page 106) 


“П didn’t take а brain-damaged garden slug to realize 
there was no divine order or energy in MSL 


balances" and "inner phasings." Several 
followers were so smitten with the teach- 
ings of the Traveler that they turned 
over large inheritances. One woman do- 
nated a house and property overlooking 
Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernardino 
Mountains. The church bought a 6000- 
square-foot estate in the fashionable 
Mandeville Canyon area, and it pur- 
chased the Busby Berkeley mansion in 
Los Angeles, naming it the Purple Rose 
Ashram of the New Age. A holistic-style 
health center followed, along with a pub- 
lishing company and the Kor-E-Nor 
University, later named the University of 
Santa Monica. Carl Wilson of the Beach 
Boys. actresses Sally Kirkland and Leigh 
‘TaylorYoung and assorted low-profile 
but high-income benefactors were 
drawn into J-R's fold. With the help of 
eager young followers, "Light Centers" 
opened in New York, Boston, Philadel- 
phia, Chicago and Berkeley, as well as in 
Paris and London. John-Roger and staff 


S 


LOOK» 

үм USER~ 

FRIEND) p 

ane 
EA 

Di SHING IT» 


ei 


added new training sessions and semi- 
narsat an impressive clip. 

But the lure of mysticism had started 
to fade as the age of disco flourished. 
Selfimprovement and self-analysis re- 
placed satori as seckerdom's quest du 
jour. So it was something of a godsend 
when a young man who had been a 
trainer with John Hanley's controversial 
Life Spring organization came to John- 
Roger with an idea. Their meeting of 
minds created Insight Transformational 
Seminars, a multisession workshop that 
fused aspects of group therapy with 
high-pressure self-improvement. The 
first year alone (1978), the program 
brought in plenty of new souls and more 
than $1 million. 

Soon, ruling the spiritual realms 
seemed insufficiently ambitious for J-R 
In 1983, his ministers decided to create 
something called Integrity Day, to be 
held on John-Roger's birthday. Over the 
next several years, the nonprofit John- 


MT е 


24 


Roger Foundation presented Integrity 
Awards to high-profile heroes at black- 
Че galas. The press flocked, as ГВ, now 
described as "an educator and humani- 
tarian,” posed with such figures as Jonas 
Salk, Ralph Nader, Lech Walesa, Des- 
mond Tutu and Mother Teresa. 


At the age of 29, Peter McWilliams had 
already written and published several 
books, made a fortune and lost it on a 
greeting card company, experimented 
with a panoply of enlightenment ped- 
dlers and several times sunk into de- 
spair. In 1978 he came across an adver- 
tisement for an Insight seminar and 
signed up. 

During the first part of the intensive 
training, facilitators Hogged participants 
with negativity, forcing each to confront 
the wretched facts of their pathetic lives. 
Then, when the room was a quivering 
mass of raw emotion, the trainers shifted 
gears, revealing each seeker's inner 
beauty, rebuilding their self-esteem. 
McWilliams was hooked. 

John-Roger had appeared only briefly 
at that training. But as McWilliams con- 
tinued down the Insight path, he 
learned that all roads eventually led to 
MSIA and the Traveler. “It didn't take 
long for even a brain-damaged garden 
slug to realize there was no divine order 
or energy in MSIA," McWilliams would 
later write. “Alas, I lacked such intelli- 
gence. More accurately, whatever intelli- 
hort-circuited by the 
Within the year, he had 
completed advanced Insight. A photo 
taken at graduation shows him with a 
frizz of curly hair and a lobotomy gri 

Soon McWilliams became ап MSIA 
minister, an Insight facilitator and an ag- 
gressive recruitment hound, going so far 
as to drag his own mother to events—a 
phenomenon Mary McWilliams, who 
considered herself a devout Catholic, 
still recalls with mild bewilderment. 

If McWilliams had grown up in Cali- 
fornia's San Gabriel Valley, he might 
have been class clown in one of Roger 
Hinkins post-Beloved English classes. 
Instead, he launched his convoluted 
spiritual search in the equally unlikely 
environs of suburban Detroit, where his 
father ran a drug store's cigar section 
and Mary stayed home to raise her boys. 

While Hinkins led students vir- 
tual field trips, adolescent McWilliams 
dropped LSD and chased psychedelic vi- 
sions through his own inner cosmos. He 
contorted into yogic pretzels and 
grooved on Bob Dylan and the Jefferson 
Airplane, he got into sensitivity training 
and got popped twice for marijuana pos- 
session. When the Beatles came home 
from India with praise for Maharishi 
Mahesh Yogi's transcendental medita- 
tion movement, McWilliams latched on 
10 that too, eventually becoming one of 


the white-haired guru's elite inner circle. 

But McWilliams’ quest didn't keep 
him from skipping in the mainstream of 
burban creativity. "A playbill from that 
period has my name on it an embarrass 
ing number of times,” McWilliams re- 
calls in Life 102. The credits, he says, 
went on endlessly, including: “Program 
written, designed, typed and printed by 
Peter McWilliams.” 

Such preternatural confidence didn't 
sit well with everyone. The priest who 
baptized him, McWilliams says, later be- 
came his teacher. One day in catechism, 
the good father got fed up, threw Мс- 
Williams to the floor, kicked him and 
said that if he had known how Peter 
was going to turn out he would have 
drowned him during baptism. ("1 must 
admit,” McWilliams writes, “I was a be- 
havior problem.") Peter, who had re- 
ceived his first typewriter at the age of 
seven, learned that writing well is the 
best revenge, and his mother recalls one 
time that Allen Park High sent him 
home for satirizing teachers. 

It was never a secret that McWilliams 
was attracted to his own gender. “Come 
says his younger brother, Michael. 
“When you listen to the soundtrack of Gyp- 
sy at nine?” At 17, Peter fell in love and 
began writing verse. It’s easy to envision 
the poet sitting in a suburban coffee 
shop at dawn, scribbling such lines a 


1 must conquer my loneliness 
alone. 

T must be happy with myself 
or І have 
nothing 
to offer. 


Soon McWilliams' entrepreneurial in- 
stincts gave his creativity a kick in the 
pants. While still in high school, he pro- 
duced several books of love poetry, 
printed them in his basement and dis- 
tributed them to local bookstores. In- 
side, readers found such verse as this: 


Why must 1 
always fall for 
chicken shits 


on 
ego trips? 

But poetry ultimately took a backseat 
to McWilliams’ other passion of the mo- 
ment: transcendental meditation. 

“I was captivated with TM and wanted 
everyone everywhere го learn it” he 
writes. McWilliams even wrote a best- 
selling book on the subject. But by 1977 
hc had drificd away, cutting his final ties 
when the Maharishis Sidhi Program 
promised to teach students to walk 
through walls and levitate, During his 
ТМ days, McWilliams had also studied 
religious science. Alter religious science 
һе dabbled in Stuart Emory's actualiza- 
tions and Werner Erhard’s est. Then he 
found Insight. 

McWilliams’ early involvement with 
Insight and MSIA preceded a second 


burst of success he achieved with The Per- 
sonal Computer Book, a witty paperback 
endorsed by William F. Buckley that per- 
suaded many people to buy their first 
Kay-Pro or Commodore РС. McWilliams 
became a pro-PC talking head on TV 
and wrote numerous articles including 
some for rLAvBov—on the joys of home 
computers. So he was rather preoccu- 
pied when the MSIA had its first major 
collision with controversy. 

While planning the first Integrity 
Awards gala in 1983, a few staff members 
had broken the MSIA taboo against ex 
pressing negativity. Quictly, they dis- 
cussed the myriad shortcomings in in- 
tegrity that they had witnessed, from 
John-Roger’s wild outbursts in private— 
during which he'd claim to be under as- 
sault by negative forces—to what they 
saw as his squandering church funds on 
losing stock ventures and get-rich-quick 
schemes. They wondered why someone 
who was supposedly "aware of all levels 
at all times” recorded phone calls and, 
they said, used a sophisticated network 
of microphones to listen in on conversa- 
tions in the Insight building in Santa 
Monica. Someone even suggested that, 
given the way ЈК and his staff lived, 
their vows of poverty might be scen as 
hypocritical. The most stunning revela- 
tion, however, was that two of the young 
men on the staff—both heterosexual— 
said that John-Roger had persuaded 
them to have sex with him, assuring 
each that he alone was receiving that 
spiritual honor. 

John-Roger has denied these charges. 
But as the accusations spread, at least 50 
people left the movement, many saying 
they were emotionally devastated and 
claiming to have realized on leaving that 
John-Roger had brainwashed them. Af- 
ter the exodus, several key defectors re- 
ceived bizarre and intimidating letters 
and phone calls. Their tires were slashed 
and paint thinner was thrown on their 
cars. They said John-Roger had threat- 
ened them, though he publicly denied it 
and was never charged. 

J-R did, however, remind those who 
stayed in the movement about a power- 
ful, vaguely satanic force known as the 
Kal Power or Red Monk, which affixes it- 
self to people who get caught up in neg- 
ativity. Forewarned, the MSIA faithful 
fled to the other side of the street or 
dashed out of supermarkets when some- 
one who was said to be possessed by the 
Red Monk approached. 

Most of MSIA's 3000 to 5000 initiates, 
sters and discourse subscribers re- 
mained loyal, dismissing the accusations 
against John-Roger as rumors. The 
teachings spread to South America and 
Australia and even took root in parts of 
Africa. By the 1987 Integrity Awards, the 
movement had gained such momentum 
that J-R announced a self-esteem pro- 
gram called Acc that was about to push 
into the public schools—in a sense, 


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taking the former teacher full circle. In 
the next year, an army of volunteers рег- 
suaded 47 states and 200 cities to declare 
Integrity Day on John-Roger's birthday. 
Senator Alan Cranston even introduced 
legislation that would have declared a 
National Integrity Day. But in August 
1988, the Los Angeles Times publi: 
two-part series that outlined 
that former MSIA members had leveled 
against John-Roger. The Integrity gala 
was canceled, National Integrity Day col- 
lapsed, at least one school district backed 
away from the Ace program and another 
wave of followers left MSIA. 

But again, most of J-R's admirers re- 
mained loyal. Instead of an Integrity 
gala, the faithful threw John-Roger a 
birthday bash and presented him with 
the "symbolic gift" of a $750,000 house 
near the foundations new 140-асге 
ranch in Santa Barbara. 


Joshua Tree National Monument park 
іп California is nearly a million acres of 
cerily anthropomorphic cacti, sculpted 
boulder piles and howling coyotes. It's 
the sort of place where visionaries have 
their visions, where the wind speaks in 
tongues. In late 1988, John-Roger found 
himself being driven across this land- 
scape by an anxious Peter McWilliams. 
Earlier in the year, at least in part to help 
diffuse the pending bad publicity, Mc- 
Williams claimed he had collaborated 
with J-R on the first book in the Life 101 
series, You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Neg- 
ative Thought, and released it through his 
own Prelude Press. 

The volume's subtitle was “A Book for 
People With Any Life-Threatening Il- 
ness—Including Life.” But since its pub- 
lication, McWilliams had begun to won- 
der if his own life weren't at risk. A dear 
friend of his had died from a rare strain 
of tuberculosis, with McWilliams at his 
bedside. McWilliams was concerned һе 
might come down with the disease. As he 
and J-R drove across the desert, listening 
to U2's Joshua Tiee, Mc liams asked 
the omniscient Traveler if McWilliams 
had TB. "Yes, he recalls J-R saying. 
McWilliams pondered his own mortality. 
Then J-R offered a release. As Mc- 
Williams tells the story, J-R said: "If you 
keep writing and publishing the books, 
ТЇЇ handle the health issue for you." 

McWilliams seemed perfectly healthy, 
yet he took to writing books as if his life 
depended on it. In each volume the for- 
mula was the same: The wisdom of 
John-Roger and McWilliams alternated 
with upbeat, inspiring, sometimes mere- 
ly quirky quotes from famous folks on а 
facing page. The book Do It, for in- 
stance, offers these words from R.A. 
Dickson: "Love your enemies just in case 
your friends turn out to be а bunch оГ 
bastards.” 

Long before such sentiments took on 


resonance, McWilliams and J-R took to 
the airwaves to promote each new vol- 
ume. Among the callers to various Larry 
King Live shows were former MSIA 
staffers who called J-R a guru and his or- 
ganization a bizarre cult. 

Ме jams usually defended his mes- 
siah with aplomb. In one less graceful 
moment, a TV posse from Geraldo 
Rivera's Now И Can Be Told show swept 
into a bookstore where the two were 
signing their latest collaboration. The 
subsequent exposé on MSIA featured 
classic cornered-weasel footage of Mc- 
Williams’ straight-arming the camera, 
giving America a close-up of his palm. 

Running interference was the least a 
man could do for someone he felt was 
holier than Jesus; beyond that, McWil- 
liams proselytized like a televangelist on 
Christmas Eve. Mary McWilliams took 
the Insight trainings her son shoved 
down her throat in stride. "I was sur- 
prised," she said, "that so many people 
seemed to have so much bottled up in- 
side them, so much pain and hurt." But 
McWilliams younger brother, Michael, 
had felt the pressure of brotherly per- 
suasion since childhood and wanted no 
part of Insight or |-К. Frustrated, Peter 
tried every trick to get him to attend. Fi- 
nally, Michael says, “He told me that if 1 
didn’t take Insight, I was going to die of 
cancer.” 

Michael, a television critic for The De- 
troit News, feared he had lost the brother 
he loved. He offers this explanation: “I 
think a lot of people in cults see parts of 
themselves reflected in the leader. It’s a 
narcissistic thing, a mutual admiration.” 
What Peter saw, Michael believes, was 
the charming and manipulative facet of 
his own personality—“that kind of bare- 
ly concealed lust for power over other 
people.” Not that power-mongering is 
Peter's dominant trait. "But art is ego. It 
is self-gratification. It is manipulation of 
the audience. Maybe Peter's writing 
wasnt enough and he saw in John- 
Roger a perlected version of what an 
artist is. In a way, ЈК art, his power, is 
the manipulation of human souls." 

Not every soul, however, is equally 
malleable. The history of MSIA is lit- 
tered with tales of people whose psyches 
were frayed when they stumbled upon 
the Traveler. Some say John-Roger and 
the MSIA-aligned organizations helped 
them to heal. Others didn't do so well. 

In 1971, Stephen, a 21-year-old senior 
at the University of California at Santa 
Barbara, was introduced by a friend to 
John-Roger. Recently heartbroken, up- 
set about Vietnam and money, his mind 
still reeling from bad drug experiences, 
Stephen eased into the group and began 
attending seminars, studying the dis- 
courses. Within months, the university 
counseling center diagnosed him as 
schizophrenic—a condition that 
likelihood would have emerged with or 
without MSIA. 


According to a doctoral dissertation 
titled “Schizophrenic and Spiritual 
States," Stephen believed the MSIA sug- 
gestion that John-Roger was assisting 
him “on the inner levels" When he 
finally wrote to John-Roger, asking that 
he stop “working with his mind," |-R 
agreed. A psychiatrist involved with the 
movement referred him to medical pro- 
fessionals. But the image of the Mystical 
Traveler had burrowed deep into 
Stephen's brain. “I thought John-Roger 
was saving me from all my suffering,” 
Stephen told the dissertation candidate 
“Little did I know he was creating it. The 
devil came before me in spirit —Mr. 
Hinkins. They say the devil appears as 
an angel of light. I could see his еуе- 
brows and his hair, all glowing different 
colors. He said, ‘I will give you anything 
you ask for.” 

For 11 years, this vision of John-Roger 
played a tormenting game of hide-and- 
seck in the young man's mind. Finally, at 
the age of 32, Stephen hanged himself in 
his bedroom. 

Given the fine legal lines they some- 
times walked as counselors and purport- 
ed healers, MSIA ministers were always 
concerned about potential liability. "The 
game is ‘hot potato,'” an attorney affiliat- 
ed with MSIA once wrote in the move- 
ment's newspaper. “Try to do your best 
to assist the troubled individual and then 
place the liability elsewhere, where it be- 
longs. with those licensed individuals 
who society thinks can best handle the 
problem." 

But with John-Roger's ovn university 
cranking out counselors, that line some- 
times blurred. In November 1993 a 
young man accused Chicago's Cardinal 
Joseph Bernardin of sexual molestation. 
For months, Bernardin lived with the 
humiliation of scandal. But in February 
1994, the man dropped his charges after 
5 questioned the credentials and 
techniques of the Philadelphia hyp- 
notherapist who had dredged up the 
memories—now widely regarded as spu- 
rious. She had received her master's de- 
gree, it turned ош, from the MSIA- 
aligned University of Santa Monica. 


With the Life 101 series singing along, 
McWilliams decided it might be fun to 
put aside self-help for a while and take 
subject. |-R wanted no part 
of the topic, so McWi ms went solo, 
writing ап 818-раре tome called Ain't 
Nobody's Business If You Do: The Absurdity 
of Consensual Crimes in a Free Society, a 
chapter of which was excerpted in 
PLAYBOY. 

Given subsequent events, two themes 
are of particular inte For one, 
McWilliams argues that the impulse to 
repress alter ns as cults is 
similar to the impulse that attempts to 
quash prostitution, pornography and 


homosexuality As an example, he uses 
the case of the Reverend Jim Jones and 
his followers, who were driven from 
America, says McWilliams, by religious 
persecution. McWilliams describes the 
arrival in Guyana of Congressman Leo 
Ryan, who had brought along several 
"concerned relatives" —members of fam- 
ilies upset that their loved ones had 
traipsed off with Jones. McWilliams of- 
fers an interesting take on the victim-vic- 
timizer relationship: 

“One can only imagine Jones’ feel- 
ings,” he writes. “Ryan—uninvited and 
unwelcome—had used threats to enter 
Jonestown and brought with him rela- 
tives who had been central in taking 
away several of Jones’ 'children.'" 

Before the confrontation ended, 
Jones’ followers had murdered Ryan 
and his group, and another 912 men, 
women and children swallowed cyanide- 
laced grape Kool-Aid and crumpled 
dead in the dirt. “Most people who died 
believed sincerely the murder of their 
children and their own suicide was a re- 
ligious and political act,” McWilliams 
emphasizes. "That they меге brain- 
washed into believing this is a given. 
That—for whatever reason—they chose 
to take part in this brainwashing is the 
important fact.” 

Another way Western culture restricts 
religious freedom, according to McWil- 
liams, is through its taboo against peyote 
rites and similar drug-induced spiritual 
visions. “Lhe irony,” he writes, ^is that 
most intense religious experience is 
based on a chemical change. Sometimes 
the chemical comes from outside one- 
self, and sometimes it is produced by the 
human body in response to a mental, 
emotional or physical change.” 

John-Roger had always preached 
against recreational drug use, and, like 
many followers, McWilliams was con- 
vinced that even prescription mood-al- 
tering drugs were taboo to the Traveler. 

But by 1993, as readers thumbed the 
Life 101 books for answers to their woes, 
McWilliams remained unfulfilled. All in 
all, he says, the series had paid MSIA 
more than $400,000. McWilliams says 
he also gave the church more than 
$600,000 and bought the ashram a 
grand piano. And gave J-R that new car. 

But his latest collaboration with John- 
Roger, Wealth 101, hadn't donc well. And 
MSIA wasn't pleased with their profit- 
sharing arrangement. As it happened, 
McWilliams’ scarch for selfhood was 
about to loop back on itself. In despair 
over money and other matters, Mc- 
Williams turned to a previous collabora- 
tor, a mainstream psychiatrist named 
Harold Bloomfield. “You're suffering, 
Peter,” Dr. Bloomfield said. “You ought to 
consider that you have depression.” The 
doctor suggested he start taking Prozac. 

A few years earlier, the antidepressant 
Prozac had been saddled with a bur- 


geoning image problem. Stories of 


Prozac-fueled suicides began appearing 
in the media. Most reports were later 
discredited. But the drug, which had 
rocketed to unprecedented psychophar- 
macological stardom, had fallen from its 
pill pedestal 

Then, in 1993, Dr. Peter Kramer pub- 
lished Listening to Prozac, which did as 
much to rehabilitate that drug's image ав 
the Life 101 series had done for John- 
Roger's. “Prozac,” Kramer wrote, “was 
transformative for patients in the way an 
inspirational minister or high-pressure 
group therapy сап be—it made them 
want to talk about their experience. And 
what my patients generally said was that 
they had learned something about them- 
selves from Proza 

McWilliams popped the pills and 
within three weeks began feeling bet- 
ter—feeling, as Kramer's patients put it, 
"better than well." 

“I also began feeling spiritual for the 
first time,” McWilliams wrote. “I felt 
connected to God in a solid, unpreten- 
tious way. The discovery of this connec- 
tion was no great ‘hooray, hooray, I 
found God’ but a slow clarification—like 
watching a Polaroid picture develop. It 
all seemed so natural—and simple. It 
had nothing to do with John-Roger's in- 
tricate cosmology I had so carefully 
memorized.” 

In March 1994, with MSIA demand- 
ing payment of past-due book royalties, 
McWilliams wrote to John-Roger and 
told him he no longer believed him to be 
a direct link to God. He no longer 
thought the Traveler and Preceptor had 
the power to keep him healthy. In an- 
other letter, he warned that if MSIA pur- 
sued the money it said he owed, he'd 
“make John-Roger more popular on 
Court TV than the Menendez brothers.” 

MSIA went ahead and sued, demand- 
ing more than $407,000 in royalties and 
past-due promissory notes, which were 
secured, in part, by McWilliams’ sprawl- 
ing Laurel Canyon home and his new 
Lexus. So McWilliams pulled out his 
tape recorder and began spelling out his 
epiphany: that John-Roger had pro- 
grammed him to believe |-R was a spiri- 
tual power greater than Jesus. On the ti- 
tle page of Life 102: What to Do When Your 
Guru Sues You, McWilliams, as usual, put 
John-Roger's name above his. Then he 
slashed it out and scrawled “Not!” 


Ever since the disintegration of In- 
tegrity Day, McWilliams had felt that he 
and Arianna Huffington were engaged 
in an unspoken competition to win 
John-Roger's approval; it was a sibling 
rivalry of sorts. For instance: John- 
Rogers Institute for Individual and 
World Peace was planning to build a re- 
treat on its 140-acre ranch above Santa 
Barbara, using its 46 horses- mainly ex- 
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students оп mounted visualizations, or 
horse awareness trainings, as they were 
called. From 1990 to 1992 Arianna gave 
835,000 to the institute, while McWil- 
liams contributed more than $54,000. 

As McWilliams worked on the Life 101 
books, Arianna—who had written best- 
selling biographies of Pablo Picasso and 
Maria Callas—researched The Fourth In- 
stinct, a treatise on the notion that the 
need for spirituality is right up there with 
the need for sex, survival and power. 

But Arianna's role within MSIA dif- 
fered from McWilliams’. Throughout 
the Seventies and Eighties, Arianna— 
once dubbed “the Sir Edmund Hillary of 
social climbing"—took it upon herself to 
introduce John-Roger into each social 
echelon she conquered. In 1986 she 
married Michael Huffington, the son of 
a Texas oil wildcauer, who was himself 
worth about $75 million, From the start, 
the couple had political plans, and it 
soon became apparent that Arianna's 
links to the Traveler were best kept out 
of the limelight. Michael Huffington 
moved to California and spent a record 
amount to win the Santa Barbara con- 
gressional seat. Ву 1994, when Arianna 
published Instinct, he was running as the 
Republican candidate for Democrat Di- 
anne Feinstein's Senate position. 

Although John-Roger is pointedly not 
mentioned in Instinct, the book is rife 
with MSIA code words and nods to the 
Traveler. While lucid in places, Instinct 
suggests that Ariannz's fine Cambridge 
education atrophied under the influence 
of Aquarian Age numskullery. At one 
point, for instance, she gives a sober ac- 
count of the “researcher” who рей 
cells from a former Navy pilot's mouth, 
transported them to another laboratory 
and somchow strapped the cells and the 
pilot up to polygraph machines. The pi- 
lot was shown videos of a dogfight. And 
seven miles away, Huffington writes 
breathlessly, the cells in the petri dish 
squirmed in unison. 

‘The book's big premise is that, as the 
millennium nears, humanity will reach 
the “critical mass” needed to create a 
new cra of spirituality—“the Reign of 
the Fourth Instinct,” as Arianna calls it. 
When this New Age notion became a 
central theme of her husband's Senate 
campaign, a strange alchemy occurred. 
"It is absurd to ask religious believers to 
check their convictions at the door of 
democracy,” Arianna declared. And the 
religious right agreed. Hurt by Huffing- 
ton's record-demolishing campaign 
spending, Feinstein's lead in the polls 
began to wither. Huffington’s handlers, 
however, had not counted on the wrath 
of McWilliams, 

When news of the lawsuit between 
MSIA and McWilliams leaked out in 
June 1994, the Los Angeles Times stuck 
the story inside its Metro section—main- 
ly because it had the misfortune of run- 


140 ning the day after OJ. Simpson's free- 


way escapade. By October, however, the 
Simpson case had entered the protract- 
ed jury selection phase, and the media 
turned to politics. Because one chapter 
of McWilliams’ Life 102 charted Arianna 
Huffington's alleged effort to plant the 
‘Traveler's teachings in the Senate, and 
then the White House, reporters had a 
story they could sink their teeth into. For 
a few wondrous moments last autumn, 
even radio talk show hosts shoved aside 
OJ. to cheer on this violent collision be- 
tween California’s odd world of meta- 
physics and its even more peculiar polit- 
ical realm. 

The San Diego Union-Tribune called 
McWilliams’ book “а kerosene-soaked 
rag in search of a flame.” Newsweek 
dubbed the affair "Gurugate." When, in 
early October, 53 followers of the Order 
of the Solar Temple committed suicide 
in Switzerland, McWilliams was quick on 
the trigger: "Is MSIA's cult leader John- 
Roger capable of leading his followers 
into a mass suicide?” asked his faxed Gu- 
rugate Gazette. “You bet your Dixie Cup 
of grape Kool-Aid.” 

As media scrutiny intensified, Arianna 
spouted contradictory dates and deni 
She hadn't participated in MSIA а 
ties since 1987, she gave up her 
rial credentials in 1986, being a minister 
meant nothing, she never understood all 
that ‘Traveler and Preceptor stuff. Final- 
ly, she declared herself a born-again 
Christian. The media reacted to her 
waffling like pit bulls to a meowing cat. 
‘The New York Times labeled Michael 
Huffington “the Manchurian candi- 
date." A sampling of Arianna headlines 
from England would have to include this 
опе: THE PUSHIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD. 

McWilliams’ lite blaze turned into a 
fire storm, generating its own weather 
patterns. Reports of Arianna's MSIA 
baptisms and accounts of what she said 
at seminars whipped talk show hosts into 
a fervor. 

In 1988, actress Sally Kirkland had 
made J-R her date for the Oscars when 
she was nominated as best actress for her 
role in Атта. Now she hit the talk shows 
to defend J-R, the Huffingtons and reli- 
gious freedom. Alas, talk show hosts in- 
sisted on edging the conversation to 
Kirkland's sexual appetites and lust for 
rubber dresses. After lampooning Arian- 
na's MSIA ministry for a week, the 
Doanesbury comic strip ended with thc 
right-wing character muticring: “It's 
getting too weird to be a conscrvative.” 

But the weirdness had just begun. 
Huffington and Feinstein debated. on 
Larry King Live, and mid-debate, King 
pulled out a letter from John-Roger in 
which he said he was a Democrat and 
that Arianna was merely a friend. King 
never mentioned that he himself has 
touted Nobody's Business, or that Rama 
Fox, a recent love interest with whom he 
is now battling in the courts, was a disci- 
ple of John-Roger's. 


At one point in the media madn 
McWilliams arranged a “telephoni 
press conference" in which former min- 
isters would gather to discuss, among 
other topics, which of them would have 
chugged Kool-Aid had J-R offered it. A 
reporter from a Christian journal point- 
edly asked McWilliams, "Are you a prac- 
ticing homosexual?" "Absolutely," h 
snarled. “I practice as much as possible! 

In Life 102, McWilliams claims that 
Arianna called him during Michael 
Huffington's congressional race and 
asked him to phone a radio show to di- 
vulge dirt a private detective had dug up 
on the opponent. Arianna herself went 
on another show. When McWilliams 
called in to challenge her, she lashed out, 
alleging that the LAPD found “all the ev- 
idence of a pedophiliac" in a search of 
McWilliams’ home. “Не needs help, and 
the press and the media should stop ex- 
ploiting a very sick man and allow him to 
find help," she said. Meanwhile, some- 
one had anonymously faxed around po- 
lice records showing that McWilliams’ 
home had been searched after he hired a 
masseuse for an underage male he had 
photographed. No charges were filed 
(nor has McWilliams ever been convict- 
ей of child molestation). 

As the election drew near, the whole 
affair wobbled madly, taking on a life of 
its own, becoming the sort of odd multi- 
media psychodrama that seemed so per- 
fect for the Nineties. Then, with only two 
weeks left in the campaign, the Los Ange- 
les Times’ Dave Lesher turned up 
dence that the Huffingtons, who had 
taken a hard-line stance against illegal 
immigration, had employed an undocu- 
mented nanny in their Montecito man- 
sion. Abruptly, the media left John- 
Roger and McWilliams in the dirt as they 
chased down Nannygate. 


On November 8, as election results 
trickled in, Feinstein versus Huffington 
turned out to be the closest race in the 
nation 

McWilliams, sick with the flu, stayed 
home to watch the returns on television 
and pored over Huffington's published 
statements about him, preparing to file a 
new lawsuit. Sometime before dawn, the 
newscast sputtered out and McWilliams 
drifted to sleep. It was almost two weeks 
later that Feinstein finally was able to ac- 
cept victory winning by fewer than 
200.000 votes, in a contest that had cost 
Huffington more than $27 million of his 
own money. 

Nannygate had apparently been the 
deciding factor. But the vote was close 
enough that McWilliams could take a 
certain pride in the outcome. Even be- 
fore the campaign ended, a woman who 
had been a follower of J-R’s said. “Му 
God. I'm glad Peter's not mad at me.” 


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KILLER MOGUL (coninuet fom pages 


On weekends, Katzenberg sees movies at the Century 
City shopping mall, where he buys huge tubs of popcorn. 


competitive with cach other." 

Katzenberg was stunned. 

"Michael, how can you possibly say 
that?" Katzenberg asked him. "We don't 
compete with cach other. You invented 
me, you created mc, you taught те, 
guided me. Everybody knows that. 1 am 
You're the parent. How 
k that anything I do doesn't 
accrue to your stature?" 

Three months after. Wells died, Eis- 
ner—52 years old and facing obvious 
strains about the future of his compa- 
ny—was taken to the emergency room оГ 
Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for qua- 
druple heart bypass surgery. Eisner was 
registered under an assumed name and 
the surgery was kept secret for sever- 
al hours. 

It was by total coincidence that Katz- 
enberg called Eisner's home early the 
next morning to discuss the weekend 
grosses of some Disney films. Eisner's 
wife, Jane, promptly told Katzenberg 
about her husband's heart surgery. 

Katzenberg, who had donated more 
than $1 million to Cedars-Sinai, said that 
he was on the board of the hospital and 
would do whatever was necessary. 

З еі is really concerned that it be 
1,7 said Mrs. ner. 

“Well, Jane, you can't keep this quiet 
very long. Tell me who knows." 

She proceeded to reel off the names of 
eight people who had been called, most 
of them executives from the studio, plus 
Michael Ovitz, the powerful agent who 
had chilly relations with Katzenberg. 

Katzenberg was taken aback. He hung 
up the phone and turned to his wife, 
Marilyn. 

“Ius over,” he said, referring to his as- 
sociation with Eisner. The fact that he 
wasn't phoned by the man he considered 
an older brother was the death knell of 
the relationship. 

On August 24, Katzenberg was called 
into Eisner's office to present his boss 
with a memo of proposals on Disney's fu- 
ture. Instead, Eisner shocked een 
berg by presenting him with a four-page 
announcement about staff changes at the 
company, including the fact that Katzen- 
berg was quitting. 

Within a few days Katzenberg was 
ousted from the extraordinarily success- 
ful movie and television company that 
he had helped build. 

Eisner's offhand dismissal, which in- 
cluded telling Disney employees they 
could not throw a farewell party for 
Katzenberg at the studio, informing 


142 Katzenberg he was unwelcome at the 


London opening of The Lion King and 
asking him to leave his office quickly, left 
Katzenberg dismayed. And furious 

Katzenberg was immediately offered 
lucrative jobs at CBS and othcr enter- 
tainment companies. But the dream of 
owning his own company obsessed him. 
Kavenberg wanted to control his profes- 
sional life and future, and he yearned to 
make Eisner profoundly regret the deci- 
sion that many in Hollywood, even those 
who don't especially like Katzenberg, 
viewed as a serious blunder. 

"For Jeffrey, the bottom line was that 
you can devote this much of your life to 
a company and have it be so unappreci- 
ated by the guy for whom you've worked 
for more than 20 years,” says Geffen. “In 
the end Jeffrey realized that no matter 
how talented you are, no matter how 
hard you work, no matter how effective 
you are, you end up working for Michael 
Fisner or Rupert Murdoch or Martin 
Davis. You end up with the sticky end 
of the lollipop. It was inescapable for 
Jeffrey: He wanted to own his own 
business.” 


Organization and control consume 
Katzenberg. As a studio executive, he 
used to schedule two breakfasts, one 
lunch and two dinners to meet writers, 
agents and directors. (His 577”, 128- 
pound frame is kept in shape by an in- 
tensive early morning workout during 
h he manages to read several news- 
papers.) He once read 14 scripts while 
on a four-day vacation in Hawaii. He 
drives a black Mustang convertible be- 
cause, he says, a Jaguar or Porsche 
would make him feel too adult. (He re- 
cently bought an extra Mustang, one 
of the last of its kind, and placed it in 
storage.) 

His message to the staff in his first days 
at Disney was: "If you don't come in Sat- 
urday, don't bother to come in Sunday." 
He scheduled marketing meetings on 
Sunday mornings. Once, when trying to 
reach Sam Cohn, a prominent New York 
agent who wouldn't return his calls, 
Katzenberg had his three secretaries call 
Cohn's office every ten minutes until the 
agent yielded. He has phone lists of peo- 
ple to call once a week, once every two 
weeks, once every three weeks. А news- 
paper reporter who had a dinner meet- 
vith him at Locanda Veneta, one of 
favorite restaurants, got three calls 
from Katzenberg's office: He's ten min- 
utes late, he's on the way, he's about 
to arrive. A joke in Hollywood is that. 


Katzenberg and his wife, Marilyn Siegel, 
a former kindergarten teacher in New 
York, had twins, a boy and a gi 11 
years ago because it was more efficient 
than having children one at a time. 

Like the Thirties moguls Louis Mayer, 
Jack Warner and Irving Thalberg, Katz- 
enberg's up-from-the-streets style is 
without. pretension. In many ways, he 
has the tastes of ordinary people. On 
weekends, һе sees movies at the Century 
City shopping mall, where he buys huge 
tubs of popcorn. He's a compulsive j 
food eater and often takes hi: 
friends such as Spielberg—to McDon- 
ald's. In his heyday at Disney, he once 
referred to the studio as "the McDon- 
ald's of the film industry" and meant it 
as a compliment. Katzenberg added, “I 
love McDonald's. I don't look down on 
it. It's the cleanest. It's accessible to the 
masses. Hamburger taste is American 
taste—not the lowest common denomi- 
nator but the highest common denomi- 
nator" Some rival executives said that 
the McDonald's analogy underlines Katz- 
enberg's lack of judgment about films. 

His rivals admire Katzenberg's execu- 
tive skills. "No one works harder and no 
one is more tenacious,” says Thomas 
Pollock, chairman of the MCA/Universal 
Motion Picture Croup and head of Uni- 
versal Pictures. Robert Daley, chairman 
of the board of Warner Bros., says sim- 
ply, “A fabulous executive. He has a 
tremendous knowledge of the business, 
understands it. And he’s very, very ag- 
gressive. A lot of this business is follow- 
through and, God knows, Jeffrey follows 
through." Barry Diller, his onetime boss 
at Paramount, says, "He's as good an ex- 
ecutive as exists in the entertainment 
business. He's willful, he's committed to 
succeed. Pound for pound, he's the best 
there 


. 


Beneath the business veneer, however, 
the question that even his friends some- 
times ask is, Does anyone really know 
Jeffrey? (No one in Hollywood calls him 
Mr. Katzenberg.) Katzenberg himself re- 
fuses to speculate on what, really, makes 
Jeffrey run. 

Asked several years ago what moti- 
vates him, Katzenberg paused. “I'm not 
having a shy attack," he said. "I'm just 
lousy at self-analysis. I'm great at analyz- 
ing other people. I know whether I can 
get the best work from someone by 
putting him in a straitjacket or leaving 
him alone." 

His personal life is remarkably pri- 
vate. He rarely gives or attends parties 
and he lives in a sedate home in Beverly 
Hills with his family. Less sedate is 
lavish home in Malibu and a ski house in 
Deer Valley, Utah. He and his famil 
spend two weeks every Christmas in 
Oahu, Hawaii, but they are often accom- 
panied by a gang of friends from Disney 


that includes Laurence Mark, a movie 
Producer: 

“Because Jeffrey lives and breathes his 
work, he's often thought of as someone 
without a personal life,” says Mark, who 
has known Katzenberg for 25 years. 
“But that’s an unfair description. He just 
happens to keep his homelife separate 
from work far more than other people 
here.” 

Marilyn Siegel Katzenberg, a private, 
funny, unpretentious woman who was 
raised in the Bronx, is usually described 
as a voice of reality for her husband. 
“Marilyn's a real person. She lays it out 
like it is and is not a Hollywood wife,” 
says Press. "She doesn't care about the 
wappings. She's a very basic, down-to- 
earth person who hasn't forgotten where 
she came from.” 

Nor, for that matter, has her husband. 

Although he grew up on wealthy Park 
Avenue, Katzenberg was definitely а kid 
of the New York streets. 

A lousy student at the exclusive Field- 
ston School, Katzenberg has said he nev- 
er dealt well with “rigid, institutionalized 
situations.” Even as a boy Katzenberg 
had a solid entrepreneurial streak. He 
sold lemonade on the street and shov- 
eled snow. When he was 14 and attend- 
ing Camp Kennebec in Maine for the 
sixth tiresome summer in a row, Katzen- 
berg claims he got himself thrown out by 
organizing a poker game for M&Ms. 


So instead he spent that summer as а 

volunteer in John Lindsay's first cam- 
paign for mayor—and stayed by Lind- 
say's side for seven years. They were, 
he now says, the most formative years of 
his life. 
Lindsay's associates fondly remember 
Katzenberg as a tenacious pit bull they 
called Squirt. “He was always there, even 
at two in the morning, taking in every- 
thing,” says Richard Aurelio, who be- 
came deputy mayor in Lindsay’s second 
administration. “You couldn't satisfy his 
intense desire to know every scheme, 
leadership trick, management technique 
and strategy.” 

While his friends were protesting the 
Vietnam war or smoking dope, Кашсп- 
berg was, indeed, part of the establi 
ment serving the mayor of New York. 
was out there being an adult,” he says. 
never had a normal high school or col- 
lege life.” 

At the behest of his parents he en- 
rolled at New York University. “I went 
there for about 28 seconds,” he says. ^ 
think there was a police strike right in 
the middle of exam week.” Katzenberg 
says his experiences with City Hall, trav- 
eling around New York from the time he 
was 15 until he was 22, altered his life. “I 
learned things about growing up, the 
fragility of people and what it is to have 
and not have things," he says. 

"]t was better than college," he says. 


^| was in a structured environment. 1 
worked. I had responsibilities. I learned 
about people and had the most extraor- 
dinary experience in my life." 

At the time, Katzenberg grew friendly 
with David Picker, a United Artists ехес- 
utive and later an independent produc- 
er He was also befriended by Daniel 
Melnick, a producer. Both men suggest- 
ed that Katzenberg get into the enter- 
tainment business, and he soon landed a 
job as an agent at a talent agency called 
IFA. But Katzenberg didn't like the no- 
tion of servicing people and represent- 
ing them as an agent. “It didn't work for 
me,” he said. “Wrong rhythms.” 

Picker hired Katzenberg as ап assis- 
tant. In 1975, Barry Diller, the newly ap- 
pointed chairman of Paramount, hired 
him as a personal assistant. Soon Katzen- 
berg was ordering Diller's staff around, 
and there were threats of revolt. “He was 
so aggressive and impossible, he ruffed 
so many feathers, that I couldn't keep 
him,” says Diller, who in 1977 shipped 
Katzenberg to Paramount's marketing 
department on the West Coast “to see if 
he could survive those vicious people.” 

Shortly before Katzenberg left for Los 
Angeles, Geflen met him for the first 
time. “I was coming back from Europe 
with Barry Diller, and this kid got us 
through Customs and took care of our 
bags in a second and it was like a whirl- 
wind,” recalls Geffen with a laugh. “It 


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was like being met by a hurricane. Who 
is that masked man? So 1 asked Barry 
who he was, and Barry said, "That's Jef- 
frey Katzenberg.” 

At Paramount, Katzenberg caught the 
eye of Michael Eisner, president of the 
studio, who eventually asked him to 
oversee the transformation of Star Trek 
the TV show into Star Trek the feature 
film. If Katzenberg lacked a certain pol- 
ish and tact, he made up for it in his rest- 
less ambition and work habits. What 
many executives overlooked, though, 
was his steel-trap mind and his ability to 
focus on one project, then move on with 
the same intensity to the next. 

The cight-ycar Diller-Eisner run at 
Paramount, with Katzenberg rising 
rapidly, was a golden cra that produced 
such hits as Raiders of the Lost Ark, An 
Officer and a Gentleman and Saturday Night 
Fever. 

By 1984 Eisner had left Paramount to 
run the Disney Company and brought 
along Katzenberg to oversee the studio's 
film and television divisions. 

Katzenberg's strategy was unusual: 
placing hungry movie and television ac- 
tors in high-concept comedies that were 
developed in-house rather than pur- 
chased for millions of dollars from 
agents such as Ovitz. Everything was 
done on the cheap. Katzenberg went out 
of his way to find actors—induding 
Richard Dreyfuss, Bette Midler and 
Richard Gere—whose luster had faded. 
(Robin Williams joked that Katzenberg 
spent most of his time hanging around 
outside the Betty Ford clinic.) The result 
was a string of early comedy hits that re- 
vived Disney: Pretty Woman, Outrageous 
Fortune, Down and Out in Beverly Hills, 
Ruthless People, Three Men and a Baby and 
Good Morning, Vietnam. 

But the Eisner-Katzenberg team's ar- 
rogance and indifference to writers and 
directors, the studio's cheapness, Katz- 
enberg's habit of meddling in scripts and 
casting, and the cookie-cutter films 
made Disney less than alluring to many 
performers and directors. Alec Baldwin, 
after his disastrous 1991 film The Marry- 
ing Man, said of Katzenberg, "He's the 
eighth dwarf—Greedy." 

Movie stars such as Dustin Hoffman 
worked with Disney once and vowed 
never again to return to the studio. So 
did many writers and directors. Robin 
Williams was especially angry at Disney's 
stinginess. Having paid him about 
$75,000 for his speaking role as the ge- 
nie in Aladdin, Disney proceeded to use 
the character in the hugely successful 
merchandising efforts that were tied to 
the film—despite а promise not to 
Williams, who ordinarily earns millions 
for his film roles, angrily complained 
that Disney exploited him. He promised 
never again to work at Disney's studi 
in Burbank. (As soon as Katzenberg's 
successor, Joe Roth, former chairman of. 


Twentieth Century Fox, took over, he 
apologized to the comedian.) 


Whatever Katzenberg's flaws, he does 
not seem so consumed with accruing 
huge sums of money as, say, his two part- 
ners. "I don't care about money,” he said 
several months ago. "It's not the mea- 
sure of anything 1 deal with." He has 
told friends that he has enough money 
for his wife, his two children and some 
nice homes. But beyond that, Katzen- 
berg insists that accumulating wealth is 
not an issue for him. Of coursc, he has 
been offered jobs with salaries reaching 
into the millions. 

Katzenberg, in an uncharacteristically 
reflective mood, once remarked about 
moncy, “People wear it differently. Some 
people wear it for show, some people are 
quiet about it. Some are phenomenally 
generous with it and use it as a social tool 
to accomplish good, and some are in- 
credibly selfish with it. There’s no ques- 
tion that it can be a narcotic and that 
it can tempt people off their natural 
course. And when that happens it’s hor- 
rible to watch." 

Whenever Katzenberg speaks now— 
to reporters, to close friends or to asso- 
ciates—a hint of selfanalysis, even mel- 
ancholy, shadows his comments. Sever- 
al close friends have died. some from 
AIDS. He has recently seen friends’ mar- 
riages disintegrate. While he has the op- 
timism and energy ofa teenager, Katzen- 
berg is aware that, as a man in his forties, 
he's facing an unpredictable future de- 
spite the hoopla about what he has called 
"the dream team." 

Over the past few years he has veered 
away from his obsessive work habits and 
reached beyond the studio. He has 
raised millions of dollars for AIDS chari- 
lies and has donated millions more to 
hospitals in Los Angeles. He has con- 
tributed so heavily to the Democratic 
Party that President Clinton invited him 
to the White House. 

But what has changed him irrevoca- 
bly—what has darkened his mood, ac- 
cording to friends—is the realization 
that his 20-ycar bond with his mentor, 
Michael Eisner, was nothing more than 
а sham. 

Seated in his temporary oflices, Katz- 
enberg makes it plain that having turned 
the corner on 40 and witnesssed the 
deaths of several friends, he's gazing at 
his future with, for the first time, a cer- 
tain tentativeness. Yes, he has read all 
the books about the Hollywood moguls 

Asked if he resembles any of them, 
Katzenberg pauses. "I have no idea," he 
finally says. "I have yet to meet a single 
person who can look in a mirror and ob- 
jectively critique what it is and who it is 
that they are looking at. And that in- 


cludes me." 


$- 


"So, the rumors are true аһош us being over budget." 


145 


PLAYBOY 


IN OUR GENES? 


(continued from page 66) 


The problem with the feminist movement is that it’s 
fighting human nature. It's like communism. 


study showed that if you haven't had sex 
with your wife for a week, your sperm 
count will depend on whether you've 
been able to monitor her during that 
week. If you've gone out of town, then 
after that week you will pump more 
sperm into her than if she had been by 
your side the whole time. That suggests 
that throughout evolution females have 
sometimes been unfaithful. You pump in 
more sperm because you are trying to 
make up for the possibility that she's 
storing another man's sperm—it's a 
counter weapon. The sperm are trying 
to nose one another out, and thc more 
troops on your side, the better your 
chances. If you have по fear of your 
mate straying, you don't need to send in 
as many troops. 

In primates, testicle size is a reflection 
of that situation: The larger the testicles, 
the more semen a species has. Female 
gibbons aren't promiscuous, so male gib- 
bons have small testicles. Female chimps, 
on the other hand, are sex machines. 
The males have developed extremely 
large testicles so they can pump in as 
much sperm as possible in the hopes of 
being the one to impregnate her. 
PLAYBOY: And humans? 

WRIGHT: Our testicle size tells us that hu- 
man females are mildly to moderately 
promiscuous. 

PLAYBOY: But both sexes don’t merely 
feel lust. They also feel love. 

WRIGHT: Love is determined by evolu- 
tion, too. A mar's love for a woman does 
many things. It keeps him around dur- 
ing the period of her impregnation long 
enough for him to be sure he's the father 
of the offspring. in which case it makes 
sense for him to invest in the offspring. 
When he's infatuated, he spends all his 
time with her—he can't stand to be away 
from her. That means no other men will 
be near her. After the baby is born, his 
love for the woman helps keep him 
around to care for her so that she can 
care for the baby. 

т лувоу: Then why do people fall out 
of love? 

wricut: It may be your genes’ way of 
telling you to discard a mate. It's inter- 
esting that one common situation in 
which people fall out of love is when they 
have sex for a long time and, because of 
contraception, do not have children. 
During evolution, ifa man had sex with 
a woman for a year and she didn't get 
pregnant, it meant that they were both 
wasting their time, because one of them 
wasn't fertile. It made perfect sense that 


146 one would sour on a mate after a lot of 


sex without offspring. I'm not advocat- 
ing it, but the impulse may make sense. 
PLAYBOY: What is the cost of attempting 
to keep our natural impulses at bay? 
WRIGHT: The discrepancy between the 
environment we were designed to live in 
and the environment we live in accounts 
for alot of suffering. There are many ex- 
amples. The human mind was designed 
to live in small groups with people we 
have known for a long time, many of 
whom are related to us. Іп a modern en- 
vironment, in which we live among рео- 
ple we don't know, it's a recipe for going 
nuts. Suburban housewives are іп сурет 
cially bad shape, and it is understand- 
able that feminism gained momentum in 
the late Fifties and Sixties. The classic 
Fifties husband was living a life that 
wasn’t that different from а hunter-gath- 
erer, really. He went away, hung out with 
men, did his job, came back, said hi to 
the kids, loved them but wasn't with 
them all the time. The woman, on the 
other hand, was living nothing like the 
life she was designed to live, which was 
one where she bad a job that was 
smoothly integrated with child-rearing 
and where she was with a large group of 
other women. But modern feminism has 
made it even more difficult for women. 
PLAYBOY: How? 

WRIGHT: At some point femi adopt- 
ed the dogma that men and women are 
by nature identical and that any ob- 
served differences between them are the 
result of cultural warping. It's ridicu- 
lous. You would not expect males and fe- 
males in any species to be identical. The 
biology of reproduction steers the evolu- 
tion of minds in different directions. The 
women | know who are mothers of 
young children and work full-time seem 
extremely conflicted about it. It's be- 
cause we have not yet managed to inte- 
grate women's careers with child-rear- 
ing. There is an evolutionary basis for 
the fact that women can't go off to work 
and not feel guilty about it and men can. 
pLavñov: These days many couples share 
the parenting. Is that unnatural? 
WRIGHT: Yeah, and a lot of men are find- 
ing that they're ill-suited to the task— 
they lose their tempers more quickly 
with kids, they get irritated more easily. 
After 15 minutes the joy goes out of it 
PLAYBOY: Are you saying we should re- 
turn to the traditional roles? 

WRIGHT: There's a certain amount of 
flexibility in human behavior. But for 
most people, trying to share parental 
responsibilities equally is a recipe for 
trouble. 


PLAYBOY: What is the effect on the 
children? 

WRIGHT: We don't know. My wife and I 
are putting our three-year-old daughter 
in preschool, and we're doing it in a very 
minimal way—a total of six hours a 
week. But even still, I wonder. Kids 
definitely weren't designed for that. 
When you take them to school on the 
first day and they freak out, that's no 
surprisc. Kids weren't designed to sud- 
denly, at three years old, run into all 
these kids they have never эссп and be 
separated from their parents. It has to 
be traumatic. Whether it's worth getting 
over that hump isa hard question to set- 
Че empirically, but I worry. 

PLAYBOY: Basically, your argument is that 
women should stay home with their kids. 
WRIGHT: Not really. But child-rearing 
must be integrated into their careers. 
The problem with the feminist move- 
ment is that it's fighting human nature. 
It's like communism: You сап be politi- 
cally egalitarian, but you can’t deny basic 
facts about human nature. Communism 
eventually collapsed by denying them 
PLAYBOY: Are you suggesting that suc- 
cessful, childless career women who pro- 
fess to be happy are lying? 

WRIGHT: No. But I think in a lot of cases 
if they had kids, their perspective would 
change radically. 

PLAYBOY: No wonder feminists hate you. 
You are basically saying that women are 
made for а single purpose. to make 
babies. 

WRIGHT: The impulse is inside some- 
where. Certainly people are not de- 
signed consciously to want to get their 
genes into the next generation. During 
evolution there was no contraception, so 
people didn't have to think about it. If 
you had lustful impulses, you wound up 
with kids. And once you have kids, 
you're designed to grow infatuated with 
them. But you're not necessarily de- 
signed to anticipate that. Upon child- 
birth, women release a hormone called 
oxytocin, which helps bond them to 
their children. It's not that women who 
say they don't want children are in de- 
nial. | don't think women are designed 
to anticipate wanting children. But it's 
common for women, when they have 
children, to report that their careers just 
aren't as important anymore. 

»LAvBOv: If the natural impulse is to 
become infatuated with one’s children, 
why are kids abused—and even killed— 
by parents? 

wri Alot of it turns out to make sur- 
prising sense in terms of evolutionary 
psychology. Two Canadian evolutionary 
psychologists, Martin Daly and Margo 
Wilson, were puzzled by headlines about 
men killing their children. They looked 
into the data, and it turned out that of 
ten it was stepfathers killing their chil- 
dren. Not parents. A child is 80 to 100 
times more likely to be killed if he or she 


is living with a stepparent. He or she is 
also considerably more likely to be phys- 
ically abused. 

PLAYBOY: How does that make sense 
genetically? 

WRIGHT; A stepparent is not acting con- 
sciously, but that's the reason for an atti- 
tude that may range from indifference to 
the child’s welfare to actual host 
makes no genetic sense to kill your child, 
but it does to kill a competitor's child. A 
male langur monkey, upon pairing up 
with a female, will try to kill her existing 
offspring. She'll fight him over it, but 
he'll try. It makes sense in that way. 
It would be interesting to see if a man 
who could closely monitor his wife for 
infidelity throughout the period when 
she got pregnant is later more devoted 
to the resulting children. You might 
imagine there would be a correlation; if 
there were, the feminists would die. It 
would lead to the idea that constraining 
a woman's freedom around the time of 
impregnation could help the welfare of 
the kids. 

PLAYBOY: Your theory explains violence 
toward children, but not sexual abuse. If 
lust is designed to perpetuate the gene 
pool, wouldn't lust toward one’s child be 
detrimental? 

мент Well, if a stepparent sexually 
abuses a girl who is 13 or 14, it makes 
sense. Any young woman who is ap- 
proaching the age of fertility is a female 
with whom it makes strictly Darwinian 
sense to have sex. 

PLAYBOY: What about when it's not a 
stepparent but the biological father? 
wriGHt: Well, it would be interesting to 
see if men who have those feelings to- 
ward a child also question their paterni- 
ty, because there clearly is an incest di- 
version in nature. 

кїлүвоү: How do you explain sexual 
abusc of younger children, even infants? 
weicht: I can't. Clearly there is a kind of 
cvolved impulse that gets derailed and 
warped. That applies to many behav- 
iors—to people actually going nuts. It's 
pathological even from a Darwinian per- 
spective. But a lot of things that we call 
pathological aren't. Extreme violence 
from a stepparent may have developed 
because it is an unnatural situation for 
people. There is no precedent in evolu- 
tion—no stepparents, no divorce—be- 
cause a man's wanderlust, or his desire 
to acquire another mate, was satisfied 
through polygamy. That kept him in 
touch with his previous children, and 
it didn't turn the children over to ап- 
other man. 

млувоу: Why are there so many father- 
less families in America if fathers have a 
stake in staying around and raising their 
children? 

WRIGHT: First of all, it makes Darwinian 
sense that if a woman cannot find a man 
to invest in her children, she will have 
children anyway. It would not make 


sense for women to respond to а sl 
age of devoted husbands by just giving 
up in the genetic sweepstakes altogether. 
"They do the best they can. 

rLAYBOY: What about the men? What 
happens to the impulse to follow 
through with their part of the bargain? 
WRIGHT: Actually, the men who are leav- 
ing may not know who their kids are. 
They engage in what is in effect a situa- 
tion of serial monogamy—it's just that 
they often don't get formally married. 
"Тһе ones who know who their kids are 
often don't have much to invest. That 
may be part of the impulse not to take on 
the responsibility. 

PLAYBOY: You indicated that low-status 
men won't find sex partners because of 
guys like Johnny Carson. 

WRIGHT: Тһе black underclass апа mid- 
dle-upper-class white societies are dis- 
tinct populations; it's not like Johnny 
Carson snatched a woman from the 
clutches of an underclass black man. 
"There isn't much interchange of women 
between those groups. The way to ana- 
lyze it would be within a discrete popula 
tion. Let’s look at an underclass neigh- 
borhood and see who's winning by 
virtue of the high degree of what is effec- 
tively polygamy. I think you'll find that 
it's the high-status guy with the car and 


the nice clothes who gets the best of it. 
With any distinct world, the guy on the 
bottom of the ladder is not doing so well. 
pıaysov: Does that also explain all the 
deadbeat dads? Have they gone off in 
search of other families? 

weicht: They are investing their re- 
sources elsewhere, though maybe not in 
ids. They are probably investing them 
sexual opportunities that could lead 
to kids. 

It’s important to remember, though, 
that in the environment of evolution, 
you did not have to leave your children 
to go with a new wife. You didn't have to 
make that choice. 

PLAYBOY: So it's not just that men are nat- 
urally pigs—— 

WRIGHT: Depending on how you view 
it. And, by the way, you could say that 
when women zre piggish. they are 
doozies, even though they're less often 
pigs. Cuckolding a man is, in Dar- 
winian terms, the greatest catastrophe 
that can befall him, one that causes ex- 
treme anguish upon discovery. 

pLavsov: Is that what jealousy is all 
about? 

wricHt: Oh yeah. Its also the reason 
that jealousy differs between men and 
women. What most threatens a man's 
genes is sexual infidelity on the part of 


the woman. That's why men are less pos- 
sessive ofa woman as she ages. You don't 
find men staying up at night wondering 
how their postmenopausal wives are 
spending their time. There may be some 
residual jealousy, but it's been shown 
that men most fiercely guard young, 
highly fertile women. 

On the other hand, what most threat- 
cns a woman's genes is emotional in- 
fidelity ог the budding attachment of a 
husband to another woman, which may 
signal a future diversion of resources 
away from the first wife's children. Men 
are most outraged by strictly sexual 
infidelity and find it very hard to forgive 
a mate. Women don't like sexual infideli- 
ty in their mates, though they find it 
much easier to forgive. But not emotion- 
al infidelity. When а man is emotionally 
going toward another woman, many 
women are happy to forgive his sexual 
infidelity whenever the guy's willing to 
be forgiven. Its tragic when you see а 
woman try to win a man back even 
though he’s complete scum. 

PLAYBOY: But it certainly happens the 
other way around, doesn't it? 

WRIGHT: It happens less often. If it's a 
case of sexual infidelity, a man is less in- 
dined than a woman to want to win back 
a mate. Presumably, it's a sign that he 
can never again be confident that she 
will be carrying his genes. I he does win 
her back, you will probably find he's go- 
ing to monitor her more closely We have 
reason to believe that if OJ. Simpson 
had won his wife back, he would not 
have thereafter followed a laissez-faire 
policy in terms of how she spent her 
evenings. 

PLAYBOY: Does evolutionary psychology 
explain why a guy is attracted to a par- 
ticular woman? 

мласнт: It depends on whether he's in- 
terested in a long-term relationship or 
just sex. If it’s a long-term relationship, 
there are factors such as trust, worthi- 
ness and the ability to be a good parent. 
praveoy: What if it's just sex? 

WRIGHT: If it’s for sex, the fact that she's 
a member of our species and isn't male is 
enough—especially if she is a young and 
robust specimen. 

PLAYBOY: How do we know who would 
make good mothers for our children? 
wrickt: We don't know, though there 
are theories. One of the theories is that 
we choose people who are in some ways 
similar to us, perhaps even related. Al 
though mating with a close relative is 
likely to lead to genetic pathology, when 
you get beyond close relatives it may be 
efficient to mate with someone relatively 
close to us—it means that your kids will 
have slightly more of your genes than 
they otherwise would. Now that we live 
in a much larger world than the ones in 
which our ancestors lived, it may be 
more likely that we would be шад to 
148 people who aren't related to us but who 


PLAYBOY 


wigger the same impulses. You сап 
imagine situations that psychologists 
would explain differently—where a wom- 
an is attracted to а man who somewhat 
resembles her father. It may be why peo- 
ple often seem to be attracted to people 
who look like themselves. It may even 
explain why they're attracted to people 
who are temperamentally like their par- 
ents. Of course, the attraction depends 
оп whether one is looking for sex or for 
а mate. 

PLAYBOY: How do we respond differently 
depending on what we're looking fo 
WRIGHT: That's where the Madonr 
whore complex comes from. Men di- 
chotomize between women they want to 
have sex with and women they might fall 
in love with. What one thing seems to 
put women in the sex-only category? A 
reputation for extreme promiscuity. Al- 
though we like to have sex with those 
women, we don't often want to marry 
them. The obvious Darwinian reason is 
that extremely promiscuous women 
make very bad wives in genetic terms, 
because you may spend your life rearing 
kids who may not have your genes. lt 
may explain why men often lose interest 
in a woman who has sex with them on 
the first date. If you see that as part of. 
her general pattern, then you think, 
Whoa, I don't like a woman who can't 
control herself around men, not as a 
wife, anyway. It may be an innate part of 
the male mind. Therefore, women 
should listen to their mothers: He won't 
respect you in the morning. 

PLAYBOY: The recent University of Chica- 
go sex survey of Americans contradicts 
the picture you paint. It says that 94 per- 
cent of married people surveyed said 
they had been faithful the previous year. 
WRIGHT: First of all, a lot of faithful 
spouses probably didn’t have a choice in 
the matter. They didn't face any easy ор- 
portunities to be unfaithful. But it also 
may be that people are admirably impos- 
ing moral order on their lives. It may 
be that they are finally realizing that 
infidelity often leads to trouble for the 
people they love, including their kids. 
They may have learned that you're 
ding yourself if you think you're going 
to do it only once. Sex in general is de- 
signed to be addictive, and that would 
include infidelity. 

PLAYBOY: What impact have sexually 
transmitted diseases, especially AIDS, 
had on people's behavior? 

wRIcHT: There could be an evolutionary 
response to these diseases, but there 
hasn't been enough time. Therefore, we 
have to fight it culturally, and we do. You 
can see that diseases certainly have an 
impact on behavior. 

PLAYBOY: What about the impact of 
contraception? 

WRIGHT: It short-circuits the Darwinian 
logic, but it doesn't change the impulse 
much. Lust is still lust. 


PLAYBOY: But doesn't contraception 
make it safer for men and women to 
have sex outside of a stable relationship? 
WRIGHT: Maybe, but it may also lead to a 
kind of absurd perspective on life: men 
feverishly looking for adulterous oppor- 
tunities because of lustful impulses to get 
their genes into the next generation, but 
the logic is derailed by contraception. 
pLayboY: How docs evolutionary biology 
explain other conditions, including low 
self-esteem and depression? 

waicHt: Minor depression is your genes’ 
way of getting you to change course in 
Ше. But in a modern environment, laci 
inga natural social and familial network, 
a productive depression can slide into ап 
extreme depression. 

PLAYBOY: Well, there's always Prozac. 
WRIGHT: There's debate over whether 
Prozac does people a disservice. I have 
not seen the evidence that it does, but 
the fear is that it will alter behavior that 
makes sense. In a company, for instance, 
you'll be interrupting your boss very 
self-confidently and eventually get fired 
Variable self-esteem seems to have 
evolved as a way for people to negotiate 
status hierarchies—we are designed to 
live in a status hierarchy. 

PLAYBOY: Does that mean that some peo- 
ple in the corporate world eventually ac- 
cept that they're not going to be the boss 
because they're not good enough? 
weicht: In a sense. There's a point after 
ing to greater И 
waste of time. The psychological mani- 
festation would be low self-esteem, and 
one of the biological corollaries of that 
seems to be your serotonin level. That's 
what Prozac Кае with. It may also be a 
good thing. 11% probably good for a lot 
of people who were too acutely sensitive 
to social feedback to begin with. 

PLAYBOY: Are corporate cultures ruled by 
Darwinian logic, too? Is that what the 
pecking order is all about? 

WRIGHT: Yes. I think men often pursue 
that more fiercely than women do. That 
makes perfect sense in evolutionary 
terms because men have historically 
competed over the scarcer sexual re- 
source, women. You see this in chimps. 
In the process men make fools of them 
selves. For this reason, you could argue 
that an enlightened corporation might 
try to push women toward the top be- 
cause women are less likely to be ruth- 
lessly self-serving. Men often sacrifice 
the interests of their employer to their 
own self-interest. Mergers and takeovers 
are good examples: People like Barry 
Diller and his rivals wage testosterone 
battles and waste huge amounts of re- 
sources. Women are less likely to get into 
these ego wars. 

PLAYBOY: Aren't women designed to com- 
pete with one another for the men, if 
nothing else? 

WRIGHT: Yes, they are, but not so single- 
mindedly. They are innately more 


concerned with nurturing. 105 the way 
they ensure that their genes survive. 
pavor: If it's all about passing on our 
genes, why has natural selection deter- 
mined that a percentage of the popula- 
tion will be homosexual? 

weicht: "That's a little bit of a mystery. 
Bisexuality isn’t so much a myste: 
Chimps are bisexual. Their biscxuality 
seems to be a form of social bonding, 
and their heterosexuality is, of course, 
vital in Darwinian terms. 

PLAYBOY: Why would male bonding in- 
volve a sexual attraction? 

WRIGHT: Because of our evolution, males 
find ejaculation to be an inherently 
gratifying act. That could be why men 
аге aroused by whatever could lead to 
ejaculation, including a male-male 
relationship. 

PLAYBOY: And does that also explain 
masturbation? 

WRIGHT: Right. The impulse can be di- 
verted to masturbation or bisexuality. 
Prison isa good example: Men will settle 
for what they can find because the male 
sexual impulse is so strong and indis- 
criminate. Homosexuality might be ex- 
plained in that all humans may have la- 
tent bisexual tendencies, but for most 
people they never get aroused. Perhaps 
for some, the bisexual part gets aroused 
and the heterosexual part gets subdued. 
That's a possibility. There are more far- 
fetched explanations, but I really don't 
think there are any good theories about 
homosexuality. 

PLAYBOY: If evolutionary psychology can- 
not explain homosexuality, perhaps it is 
flawed in other important ways. 

WRIGHT: We may not understand the full 
picture. It could be any number of 
things. It may be explained by a social 
phenomenon that we don't understand. 
PLAYBOY: What does evolutionary psy- 
chology tell us about gays serving in the 
military? 

WRIGHT: There are no obvious Darwin- 
ian reasons that gays shouldn't be in the 
military. There are, however, reasons for 
excluding women. You may occasionally 
find a woman who would make a great 
fighter, but women aren't designed to 
fight the way men are. The fact is, men 
are designed to fight over women. Put- 
ting one or two reasonably attracti 
women in the midst of a hundred men is 
a fairly reliable way to make it harder to 
achieve cohesion. I'm not saying that it 
settles the debate of women in the mili- 
tary, but let's be honest about the cost. 
We tend to move forward without exam- 
ining the cost, and as a result we find 
ourselves in trouble. 

түлүвоү: Why fight at all? If you get 
killed, your genes certainly won't be 
passed along. 

WRIGHT: We do a lot of things that may 
be destructive to the species. In fact, 
there are evolutionary bases for orga- 
nized group aggression. Its a dangerous 
vesige of evolution, particularly in a 


world with nuclear weapons. Men fight 
because, on balance, fighting has been 
good for the genes. In some cases, war- 
fare vasa way to obtain mates. In others, 
it was survival—to win crucial resources. 
You can still find societies such as the 
Yanomamo in South America in which 
the men raid other groups and abduct 
the women and keep them. You hear 
about rapes in the course of war. Some of 
it may just be the pursuit of females by 
the biggest male in the hierarchy, and 
that sometimes means warring on anoth- 
er hierarchy. Once you understand evo- 
lutionary psychology it can change the 
way you look at life—at your own behav- 
ior and everyone else's. 
PLAYBOY: Change it how? 
WRIGHT: It’s as engrossing and encom- 
passing a worldview as a religion, 
though it differs from a religion in that 
its tenets are susceptible to scientific 
analysis. I find it amazing that we turned 
out as well as we did. 
PLAYBOY: What would you expect? 
wRIGHT: Though we tend to deploy our 
consciences in a self-interested fashion, 
we don't always and we don't have to. If 
the whole idea is to forward your own 
genes, why would we have attributes 
such as compassion? If you were going 
to try to anticipate evolution, you would 
probably not predict that an animal 
would be capable of altruism and guilt; 
you would not predict that those animals 
would evolve. It's a testament to human 
malleability that even the strongest im- 
pulses can be subdued by a combination 
of legal and moral sanctions. This com- 
pels us to have our moral and legal 
norms. What happens to a man who be- 
comes known as a wife-beater? In almost. 
all sectors of society he loses status. And 
men pursue their social status as ardent- 
ly as they pursue women. The primary 
tool of effective moral systems is a per- 
son's social status. Ifa man walks out on 
his family, he is ostracized. That's the 
way you keep men from walking out on 
their families. A robust moral system is а 
harsh moral system 
PLAYBOY: Can we assume that we will 
adapt to the society that we have creat- 
ed—thar the human mind in the future 
will be adapted to monogamy, for 
instance? 
WRIGHT: There's no hope. We're stuck 
with these minds for millennia. But 
maybe it's good. If we were evolving 
rapidly, it would probably be toward an 
even worse human nature. Urban ano- 
nymity gives you chances to be subtly de- 
ceitful in ways that one could not have 
been in a hunter-gatherer society—and 
in ways that people still usually aren't. 
We don't go around taking every oppor- 
tunity to cheat. If we evolve long enough 
in an urban environment, we probably 
will. We should be happy we're not so 
bad after all. 

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PLAYBOY 


VLADIMIR ZHIRINOVSKY | continued from page 62) 


I become calm by the sound of a woman choking on 
her tears. Such suffering! This pleases me. 


many problems. Mankind gets more de- 
praved, the environment gets more pol- 
luted, а new generation is maturing 
faster and doesn't have what it needs. 
"That's why conflicts will intensify. 
PLAYBOY: Whom do you admire more, 
Lenin or an outsider like Trotsky? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I can't feel as if either one 
were real, alive. It's complicated. Both 
were good orators, very expressive. But 
they made mistakes. And what were they 
secking? When they seized power, why 
did they need to destroy the army? The 
Russian empire had a great army. They 
should have moved the army against the 
Germans, to destroy Germany and, to- 
gether with the entente, split the world. 
And why did they have to create the 
republics? Nobody asked for them. 
Things were cheaper and more cconom- 
ically profitable before that, and they 
made it worse. And Trotsky. What was he 
doing in America? How could all of them 
have appeared there? If they were fol- 
lowing someone’s order, they did a good 
job destroying the Russian empire. 
[Gestures to Sergei, a bodyguard, 20, who 
sits quietly by the door] Here is another one 
waiting to participate. They're ready al- 
ready. 1 am also. [To Sergei] Jennifer is 
ready for the two of you—you and Vi- 
taly. Vitaly alone is not enough. 
SERGEI: [70 Vitaly] 1 will always come to 
help you. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Jennifer, when will we 
start? 


PLAYBOY: After the interview. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Afier the interview they'll 
be too tired. 
PLAYBOY: What do you value most in the 
world? What makes life worth living? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Му university thesis was on 
human rights. They should be respect- 
ed. Just to say "There will be no war" 
isn't enough. We may not have war now, 
but human rights are being violated in 
the Baltics, Yakutiya and Chuvashiya. 
"That's why the in 
nate Russia, so that 
occur. 
PLAYBOY: Outside of politics, what do you 
enjoy? What kind of music do you like? 
You improvise so much in your specch- 
es, maybe you like jazz? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: No, I'm not really attracted 
to jazz. I like the musical pieces from my 
childhood. I've memorized a melody 
from a polonaise by [the Polish compos- 
er Michal Kleofas] Oginski. Then there 
is the first symphony of Tchaikovsky. I 
listened to it while it was raining. 
[Drifüng] The rain started. Оп Mon- 
day the rain started in Budapest. I was 
trying to seduce a young Hungarian. 
She was 20 and I was 20. When you're 
abroad, you always want to enter an inti- 
mate relationship with a representative 
of that country. That way you get to 
know the country better. Back then I was 
able to do this. Now I don't need to. 
PLAYBOY: Do you like to listen to music 
when you think? 


ZHIRINOVSKY: Rarely. I'm better by my- 
self, without any music. Any noise irri- 
tates me. I love silence, silence. І become 
calm by [the sound of a] woman choking 
on her tears. She is like such suffer- 
ing! This pleases me. But 1 don't love 
when a woman talks during coitus 
PLAYBOY: Why not? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It should be holy There 
should be silence. She could cry, cry, cry. 
But to say that her legs are freezing, and 
to ask for a blanket. . 
I remember one girl in Vilnius. I had 
just finished my coitus and she told me, 
"Oh, you're finished. So dismount me." 
Like from a horse: to dismount. It’s 
monstrous. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever- 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Will you say the same thing 
right now, Jennifer? Jennifer loves 
warmth. 
PLAYBOY: How would you know that? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I feel it. She is sultry, hot. 
She loves hot chocolate, 250 grams of 
liquor. 
PLAYBOY: That's quite a lot of liquor. 
THIRINOVSKY: Sergei, pour her 1е58- 
grams is too much. Just 50 grams. 
[There is no liquor) 
PLAYBOY: Do you think it’s possible to 
bare your soul to a woman, or can you 
do this only to a man? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: If you mean spiritual, then 
of course 1 say a man, because a woman 
is too earthy. She has a concrete life, а 
family, a child. She is interested only in 
this person—a man—she 15 rarely con- 
cerned with the problems of humanity. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever opened up to a 
woman? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: No. Something sexual al- 
ways gets blended in there. If the woman 
is elderly—I have a doctor of philosophy, 
she edits my books—then I can talk with 
her, because I almost don't perceive her 
аз а woman. She's 75. 
PLAYBOY. What do you hope to accom- 
plish before you die? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Peace for my fellow citi- 
zens. For war never to happen again. No 
reforms for ten to 15 ycars. To live with- 
out any special problems. For everyone 
to have a place to live. Food. For kids to 
study. For everyone to take vacations. То 
have some kind of garden, to work the 
land. For life to flow smoothly, quickly. 
Jennifer, that’s all! You have already 
ripened. Two males are sitting here 
They are not able to do anything but 
sexual things, nothing else. Their upper 
heads don't work, only their lower 
heads. 
PLAYBOY: Arc you tired? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Um tired of questions. 1 
want to cry a little bit. You laugh too 
much, and they will make you cry. And 
this will be ecstasy. 
PLAYBOY: You think so? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It rains, and you'll see how 
great it is. And ГЇ be together with 
Masha. 
MASHA: Don't you want to ask me first? 


ZHIRINOVSKY: Hmm. I said beforehand 
that even if you won't like it, I won't per- 
sist because I'm a kind man. 

PLAYBOY: May wc do one more interview 
before we go tomorrow? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Through there. [He points 
to his sleeping chambers,] We'll just pop by 
my cabin for half an hour. Then tomor- 
row, probably, we'll have something. 
PLAYBOY: You're terrible. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Why terrible? 

MASHA: It absolutely can't happen. Мау- 
be she's a puritan. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: So what? [Gesturing to his 
bodyguards] They will be very gentle. It 
will be like classical music. Very smooth, 
quiet, no rudeness. Let's 

[Zhirinousky ends the interview and mo- 
tions for us to follow him to his private cabin, 
two doors doum. Vitaly unlocks the door. 
Zhirinovsky enters, along with Vitaly and 
Sergei; Masha and I stand at the entrance. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Jennifer, here, Jennifer. 
Come in, come in, come in. Otherwise 
we're finished: Tomorrow in Balakovo, a 
tiny city, you'll have to get off the boat 
and take a small boat to get to Saratov. 
Let's go, let's go. Jennifer, look at my 
place. Look how nice it is here. [Mt is a 
small, stark cabin, yet double the size of the 
other cabins on board.) Look, Jennifer. 
Masha, what are you afraid of? 

MASHA: I'm not afraid of anything. 

[Masha and I enter] 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Come in, come in. A little 
bit of chocolate, a little bit of liquor. 
Sergei, lock the door. Sit down, sit down, 
sit down. Pour some liquor for the girls. 
Give them chocolate, sweets. Have you 
locked the door, Sergei? Or someone will 
peep in and Jennifer will be embar- 
rassed. Jennifer, me and the Bible for 
the night. And one yogurt. 

PLAYBOY: A Bible, why? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, it's a Bible. Oh, faster, 
bring the girls liquor. 

[Sergei pours, we click glasses. It is some 
sort of brandy. Zhirinovsky again shows us the 
book about the Tatars. Vitaly hands us choco- 
lates from a large ох.) 

Give them the box. They have to take 
them themselves. Oh, greedy Vitaly. 
Now, sit down and caress her legs. Excite 
her. Work on her. Drink, drink, Jennifer. 
Drink, drink, drink. Relax, relax. 
PLAYBOY: Why aren't you drinking? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Vitaly, pour me a little Би. 
ТП drink just a little bit. [None of us drink 
from the glasses in our hands.) 

PLAYBOY: You like only sweet things. Yes- 
terday you poured tea into a jar of jam. 
Do you need that sugar energy? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I've loved sweet things 
since my childhood. 

[An awkward silence fills the room.] 
PLAYBOY: So, do you like boats? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Huh? No, 1 am getting 
tired. I prefer traveling in more dynam- 
ic ways, like driving in a car. 

(1 sit on a sofa with Masha. Zhirinovsky 
squeezes in between us. I slip ош and move to 


the wall, where I lean on a radiator. There is 
no place else to go.) 

Masha isn't afraid. We'll sit together. 
Oh, what a small couch. Why are you 
leaving, Jennifer? Sit, Vitaly, sit. Em- 
brace the girl. [Vitaly sits at my feet.) 
PLAYBOY. Do you want all this in the 
interview? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Interview, what interview? 
[He laughs.] Hmm, hmm. [He turns to Vi- 
taly.] What are you doing there? 

SERGEI: [Sitting on a narrow cot at the end of 
the тоот] What does puritan mean? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: A pure girl, totally pure, 
who doesn't want anything and doesn't 
know how to do anything. [Tò Vitaly] Em- 
brace the girl, embrace. 

PLAYBOY: He's scared. For good reason. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: He's fearful, very fearful. 
Look how shy he is. 

VITALY: I'm silently suffering. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: If he doesn’t kiss Jennifer 
he will hang himself in Saratov, Embrace 
the girl, Vitaly. 

[Zhirinousky has begun to speak more force- 
fully, as if he were trying to hypnotize the 
young bodyguard. He is also becoming visibly 
excited. More silence.] 

PLAYBOY: 15 this what you do every night, 
when everyone thinks you're sleeping? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, yes, otherwise I can't 
fall asleep. 

PLAYBOY: What time do you go to sleep? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: At eleven. And I wake up at 
seven or eight AM. I sleep for three 
hours in the afternoon. I sleep eleven 
hours every day. 

PLAYBOY: That’s a lot. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: 1 like to sleep a lot. What 
can you do? Otherwise, so many things 
bother me. I don't see anyone. It's quiet 
here, like a monk's cell in a monastery. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Nature is outside the win- 
dow. Yesterday there was a storm. The 
boat almost turned over. Drink, Mashin- 
Ка. Yes, Jennifer, good. [No one drinks.] 
PLAYBOY: This is all rather unorthodox, 
yes? Vitaly is sweet, but he's too young 
for me, no offense. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: It's good. The youth, the 
energy. He has so much energy, so much 
blind passion. 

PLAYBOY. Do you think of these guys as 
your sons? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes. My nephews. 

PLAYBOY How many nephews do you 
have? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Fifty. I have lots of rela- 
tives. Here on the boat I have two sisters, 
a brother. They also have kids. [Vitaly be- 
gins to paw my leg like a puppy. 1 move ашау 
suddenly,] Oh, Jennifer. Are you leaving? 
What's happening? Look, Masha, you 
see how Jennifer is. She's a fanatic. 
Work, work, only work. She's not able to 
relax. 

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PLAYBOY 


152 


picture of Zhirinowsky as he puts his head on 
Masha's shoulder] 

Picture! Compromise! Look how Jen- 
nifer wants to work, Vitaly. You'll have to 
excite her so she'll stop working. 
vitat: She will still continue to work. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Fanaticism, Jennifer. 
MASHA: Do you have young female 
admirers? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes. They send me letters. 
Young people. Young lovesick souls. 
masHa: Do you want to become a Rus- 
sian sex symbol? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Sure, why not? But Pm 
very restrained, very modest. 

PLAYBOY: In what way are you modest? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Every way. I can't just un- 
dress a young lady. 

MASHA: Is this from your teenage years? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes. From my youth. I'm 
very shy. 

PLAYBOY: You don't seem shy at all. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yeah, I'm basically shy, and 
it always hinders me. I might have got- 
ten much more joy from life if not for my 
modesty. I was never persistent. Some 
women like a man to be spontaneous 


Caress, caress—they love to be caressed. 
Vitaly knows how to do this. 

PLAYBOY: And you? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I'm more of a talker. I work 
with my upper head. I talk all the time. 
But women love hands, warm hands. 
They love when somcone whispers in 
their ears, words that tcll them how a 
тап is losng his mind, how he has 
dreamed his whole life about her. But I 
never knew how to deceive this way. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you say deceive? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: A woman likes to be told 
she's the best—beautiful, kind. 

PLAYBOY: Men don't like to tell them that? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Some men could say it 
right away; it's easy for them. But I've al- 
ways been a very honest man. 

[20 Vitaly] Work, Vitaly. Look at this 
young passion, Jennifer. Do you want 
him to throw himself into the cold river 
water of the Volga? Where is your kind 
feminine soul? Start, Vitaly. Oh, please 
me for a little while, so I can fall asleep 
well. There are four of you here. You 
have to show me love for four. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 


"After spending all day in 
the throne room, coming back here is always something 
of a letdown.” 


ZHIRINOVSKY: Four hearts should start to 
beat together. To see the flow of life 
PLAYBOY: Isn't it better to experience pas 
sion yourself? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: But I can join you later 
during the process. For me it's a way to 
get excited. 

PLAYBOY: Is this something that has inter- 
ested you for a long time? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: For the past several years. 
PLAYBOY: Why? Do you get some rush of 
power? [Zhirinousky laughs.] No, really, 
it's not such an ordinary desire. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yeah, it's not that ordinary. 
But, for me, it's this instead of drugs ог 
alcohol. ‘fo see real life here, to look, to 
see lots of emotions. 

PLAYBOY: But emotions will always be 
there. Isn't this the type of thing that's 
best kept between two people, so you can 
feel a genuine closeness and love? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: 1 don't see myself. And 
when I see the others, I 
PLAYBOY: Besides, this isn't about love. 
This is about power. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: It's an observation of the 
process of life. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of observation? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Start, and T will tell you. 
You can't understand this way. During 
coitus, 1 love to lecture. 

PLAYBOY: You are making us feel quite 
uncomfortable. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Why? 

МА5НА: We're slightly frightened. 
ZHIRINOVSKY. We'll turn off the light. 
PLAYBOY: No, it's the situation. 

MASHA; Yes, the situation isn't pleasant. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Intimate, separate, I enter 
an intimate world. To observe how peo. 
ple drink, smoke, this is not interesting, 
But to see you during coitus, these 
young bodies all intertwined, a woman 
starting to cry, all of you changing your 
positions, her screaming and telling him, 
"Again, again, I want it again!" 

PLAYBOY When was the last time you 
were alone with one woman? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It’s hard to say. I don't 
know. My friend came to me once and 
brought me a lady. When was that? A 
month ago, maybe? Гус already forgot- 
ten her. But I remember the last time 1 
was a witness, an onlooker. I like this 
more. When I'm with a woman, I give 
her everything and feel horrible after- 
ward. But when I observe. . 

PLAYBOY. But when you сап be alone with 
one person, that’s love. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I can’t love just one partic- 
ular woman. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It’s (оо narrow. 
stricts you. 

PLAYBOY: But you're missing out on the 
me mportant thing in life, 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, І am losing something. 
But I'm getting something else. 

PLAYBOY: Wc don't understand. It seems 
like no mater what your reasons are 
for wanting power—opportunistic or 


It con- 


altruistic—it ends up all warped and 
twisted 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I help people. [He points to 
Vitaly.) 

PLAYBOY: But they'll never be able to have 
а real relationship with anyone. If they 
are acting like this at 20, what do you 
think they'll be like at 40? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: We'll understand one an- 
other better if you undress right now. 
Masha also. You will lie on these little 
beds, and these boys will caress you. And 
I will be listening to you and continue 
talking myself. 

PLAYBOY: I could never do that, and nei- 
ther could Masha. We're not like that. 
It’s simply outside the realm of our per- 
sonal experience. It's just impossible. It's 
not even an issue. I'm really just trying 
to understand you, and I cant 
ZHIRINOVSKY: But you have already had 
coitus probably 250 times. 

PLAYBOY: How many times have you had 
sex? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Let's see, probably 500 
times, or maybe more. Гуе had more 
than 900 women, and with every woman 
T've had it several times. And if you add 
masturbation, Гуе climaxed probably 
10,000 times. I started when I was 15. 
Now I'm 48. How many years is that? Al- 
most 35? Thirty-five years, 100 times per 
year. Multiply: 3500. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been in love with 
anyone? 

JHIRINOVSKY: Ves, yes. When I was 17. 
PLAYBOY: Who was it? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: I wanted to rape her so 
much. [The bodyguards laugh nervously.] 1 
was dreaming we were driving in a 
truck, such a narrow truck in the back. I 
dreamt she was naked and 1 was naked 
and she couldn't escape. Her name was 
Alichka, Alla. She was tall and skinny. I 
was ready to rape half of my class. 
PLAYBOY: That frightens me. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Why? 

PLAYBOY: Rape. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: [t was when I was 17 years 
old, 30 years ago. But I say rape in a 
good sense. In Russian, rape is one 
word—it means to enter into coitus. It 
will take time to explain it to you. It's in 
a good sense. 

PLAYBOY: None of this has anything to do 
with love. It's all about power. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: But a virgin can't just give 
herself up. There should be an element 
of violence. 

PLAYBOY: Why? Women are people. They 
can decide for themselves what they 
want and don't want. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, that's right. That's 
why I never raped anyone. 

PLAYBOY: So it's all just talk? Fantasy? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: You asked me if there was 
anyone who I really wanted, and I ex- 
plained to you that those who I wanted 
were all virgins. 

PLAYBOY: Yes, but is there anyone specific 
you want? 


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PLAYBOY 


154 


ZHIRINOVSKY: Very few. I wanted only 
one percent of the women 1 had sex 
with. Only one percent. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been satisfied by 
just one woman? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, yes. She had such 
great skin. She would caress me and I 
would become so mellow. 

MASHA: How old were you? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: This was 11 years ago. 
PLAYBOY: It's sad. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Yes, sad. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you don't seem to care. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: That's why I sometimes 
compensate this sad side of my private 
life with these orgies. 

PLAYBOY: Havc you talked with anybody 
about this? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: With whom? 

PLAYBOY: Like a doctor? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: What for? These аге young 
men. Here sit men. They do everything 
without thinking. I'm at least thinking. 
MASHA: Doesn't it scare you that the peo- 
ple around you don't think? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It's normal. It’s the right 
thing. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't it this kind of attitude that 
produces fascism? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: 1 haven't yet reached the 
state that | can do whatever I want. It's 
not convenient for you to sit? It's not 
convenient for me, either. Let's go to an- 
other room. Oh, and Masha is also get- 
ting bored. [He tries lo touch Masha.] 
MASHA: Oh, no. You've promised. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: What promise, Masha? 
MASHA: That if I don't want something, 
you wor't try anything. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: But Sergei is waiting. 
MASHA: | don't like blonds. 

PLAYBOY: Besides, we're not like that. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: You're not those types of 
girls? 


MASHA: Don't you see how modest the 
two of us are? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: So modest? [Gestures toward. 
bodyguards] But look how modest. they 
аге. Such modest, quiet boys. 

PLAYBOY: They're not so modest. We've 
seen them for seven days. They're not so 
modest. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Aren't you violating their 
rights? Can't they have a desire to enter 
into coitus? 

MASHA: But it should always be a mutual 
desire. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: But if it doesn’t happen, 
what should I do? Should I choke with 
sperm? 

MASHA: There is always masturbation. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Look how selfish you are. 
You say to go and see a psychotherapist. 
Yet you are two healthy women and you 
don't want to enter into a healthy rela- 
tionship with two healthy men. You push 
them toward war by not letting them en- 
ter an intimate relationship. Today all 
Chechnya is in an uprising. If each 
Chechen would have a woman there 
would be no war. That's why you're the 
source of war on the planet. That's why I 
never fall in love that deep, for you not 
to be able to control me, for me not to 
perish as an individual. 

PLAYBOY: Others say women bring love, 
humanity, nurturing and warmth to the 
world—only positive things. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: That's an eternal ideal. You 
want it to be like this, but it never һар- 
pens on this planet. Never. There is war 
on the planet and you are the main 
source of it. Men take bribes because of 
you. They don't need money them- 
selves, They need it for expensive pres- 
ents, and you make them take bribes. 
PLAYBOY: Are you serious about this, or 
are you just trying to shock us? 


Nov) THAT'S ns? 


A Brow JoB! D 


ZHIRINOVSKY: I'm telling you about real 
life. [Addresses Masha] Why doesn't Jen- 
nifer want to do it with him? She really 
wants it. She would love to enter into 
coitus with him. She's just shy of me. If I 
weren't here she would have done it à 
long time ago. 

PLAYBOY: It’s because I know what I want. 
So tell us, what made you this way? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: It's a form of relaxation. 
MASHA: By violating the rights of others? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: [Gesturing toward his body- 
guards] But you are violating their rights. 
He, having gotten angry, will offend an- 
other woman. These are the vices of life. 
We hinder the lives of others. Vices, 
vices, vices, everywhere. Fraud, fraud, 
fraud, everywhere. 

She will never write anything good 
about me. Always filth. She will write 
that I'm a sexual maniac. It will never 
happen in this room, but she'll write that 
we raped her and then she'll get more 
money for this article. [At this point, 
Masha and Zhirinovsky begin talking with 
each other in rapid-fire Russian.] 

Oh, Jennifer, look, you're flushed. 
PLAYBOY: I'm nervous. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Don't you want your naked 
body—— 

MASHA: Don't you see she's scared and 
nervous? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: For you not to be nervous 
you have to lie down. Then these young 
hands will caress your body. 

PLAYBOY: No. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Why no? She's Huttering. 
One may think she's a virgin. She's vio- 
lating the rights of the young men. He's 
Just entering life. He has a right — 
PLAYBOY. Don't you feel bad about do- 
ing this? 

ZHIRINOVSKY: But what about these two 
sitting here? Look. They are deprived of 
an opportunity to enter normal sexual 
relationships. Why do you mock them? 
Look. See how he suffers. Why? Find the 
harmony of relationships. You may not 
love him and he may not love you, but 
five minutes of coitus and then forget. In 
five minutes, forget about all this. 
MASHA: But Western women want to re- 
spect themselves afterward. 
ZHIRINOVSKY: Why? [70 me] You have to 
do it for the sake of your profession, to 
get to know better the person you are 
writing about. 

PLAYBOY: But I have told you that I don't. 
want to. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: But during the coitus I 
would talk more. 

PLAYBOY: I don't care. I don't want a sto- 
ry that bad. No story is worth making 
someone do something she doesn't want 
to do. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: If I were sure that she 
didn't want that 
PLAYBOY: I'm sure, So maybe we should 
finish tomorrow. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: [Brusquely] ‘Tomorrow we 
won't finish anything. Tomorrow at 
eight a.m. in Balakovo you will leave the 


boat and take a cart over a bumpy 
road — 150 miles. In a week, you'll get to 
Saratov. On your way you'll be attacked 
by bandits. They'll rape you. Then you'll 
get to Saratov, with great effort, all 
scratched up, without any money. They 
will destroy all your cassettes. There are 
bandits everywhere on the road. 

MASHA: You will send the bandits? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: No, they are all around the 
roads here. 

MASHA: Would that make you happy? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: 1 will have forgotten you by 
that time. 

MASHA: How could you ever forget us? 
ZHIRINOVSKY: I will forget you two min- 
utes after you step off the boat in Bal- 
akovo, unless you give me joy here. Let 
me hear the pulse of life. I have to feel it. 
I have put you all together here. Such 
passion. It's like war, a little war. 
PLAYBOY. That's crazy. [The bodyguards 
laugh wildly) 

ZHIRINOVSKY: Look at him. [Points to Vi- 
taly] He is crazy. He wants it. 

MASHA: But she doesn't. 

ZHIRINOVSKY: So a compromise should be 
found. Why should we destroy him, put 
him in prison, into the mental hospital? 
Where should we put him? What should 
we do? He is a biological mess. You tor- 
ture him and think you are something. 
MASHA: Why are you trying to deceive 
them and yourself? You're the one who 
wants to get pleasure 

ZHIRINOVSKY: So let the two of them get 
pleasure, too. My presence here won't 
disturb anything. Anyway, in this sense, 
she's also violating my rights. She alone 
is violating the rights of three people— 
three people! Is that any better? It's like 
the way the white race usually dominates 
the whole world, and then the world up- 
rises, upriscs against that. 

PLAYBOY: Let's finish tomorrow. 

[Masha unlocks the door. We leave the pri- 
vate quarters and enter а bar by the lobby. 
There is silence as we walk in. "tre you 
satisfied?” asks an older aide, chuckling. 
“Have you gotien everything you need?” He 
is Zhirincusbys chief of security. He used to 
work for Brezhnev. 

“Do you protect just him or everyone on the 
boat?" I ask. 

“Everybody, of course,” һе says. 

“Do you agree with and respect everything 
he does?” I respond. 

“Not everything, of course. But it won't af- 
fect his presidency.” 

At eight A.M. the next morning, Masha and 
1 leave the boat, hire a car and drive four 
hours over the bumpy roads to Saratov, the 
nearest town with an airport. On our way, we 
stop by Zhirinouskys rally that day to say 
goodbye. I jump onstage, shake hands with а 
surprised Zhirinovsky, and leave. Contrary to 
his predictions, our journey back to Moscow is 
uneventful.) 


CD-ROMS 


(continued from page 112) 
“the official band of the Grunge, an in- 
dependent tribal society centered on 
Washington's Puget Sound. The Grunge 
practice a quasi-religious belief system 
known as the Cobain." One of your po- 
tential co-pilots is Rush Limbaugh's 
great-grandson, and he’s black. Another 
co-pilot candidate is Chablis, a California 
bimbo who speaks Marcia, a street lan- 
guage that consists of Seventies sitcom 
references. When I interview Chablis 
for the co-pilot position, I ask her to as- 
sess her combat performance, and she 
squeals, “Like, I'm rilly, rilly lucky!" She 
also loves to shoot the pretty lasers. 


ОҒ course, no discussion of games 
would be complete without mentioning 
Муз (Broderbund). The software equiv- 
alent of a box-office smash, Myst is the 
best-selling title in CD-ROM history (his- 
tory, in this case, meaning the past three 
years). The game's premise is this: Play- 
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to find out what the hell happened. 
(Wired magazine called Myst “a kind of 
puzzle box inside a novel inside a paint- 
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Unlike most computer games, there's 
nothing to kill and no risk of death, but 
playing Myst late at night with the lights 
turned out can be a freaky experience 
comparable to baby-sitting in a creaky 
house with the kids asleep upstairs and a 
Twilight Zone marathon illuminating a 
darkened den. It’s that good. 

Myst is probably the most significant 
piece of software programmed for CD- 
ROM, because it has shown consumers 
and developers alike the potential of the 
medium. For multimedia programmers, 
it's the city on a hill that spurs them to 
match an unprecedented visual and nar- 


rative standard. For consumers, Myst is 
what the оп Valley calls a killer ap- 
plication—a piece of software (Windows, 
for instance) that convinces an avalanche 
of people to buy a particular piece of 
hardware. People see Myst and think, 
What do I need to buy in order to play 
that? NEC, a leading hardware manu- 
facturer, is now shipping it with all their 
Multi Spin 2V Deluxe packages. 

On a more practical note, CD-ROMs 
have serious (read: nongame) applica- 
tions as well as toy value. In fact, refer- 
ence materials were initially the raison 
d'être for CD-ROMs. The medium is 
God's gift to reference because its capac- 
ity is immense. Consider such space-sav- 
ing titles as Phone Disc's Power Finder, for 
instance, which cross-indexes every list- 
ed name and telephone number in 
America. (Now you can find a name to 
match the number scrawled on that nap- 
kin that mysteriously appeared in your 
coat pocket while you were busy carous- 
ing.) Similarly, DeLorme's Street Atlas USA 
is a CD-ROM containing every interstate 
highway, avenue, alley and residential 
cul-de-sac in the U.S., cross-referenced 
to area code and phone exchange. And 
the Playboy Intervieus CD-ROM contains 
more than 300 Playboy Interviews in glori- 
ous hypertext vith pictures and sound 
clips (such as Jimmy Carter's confession 
about lusting in his heart). 

On one CD-ROM, you can have at 
your fingertips the American Heritage Dic- 
tionary, Roget's Thesaurus, the Columbia 
Dictionary of Quotations, the Hammond In- 
termediate World Allas—but wait, there's 
more—the People's Chronology, the World 
Almanac and the Book of Facts 1994. It's 
the Microsoft Bookshelf CD-ROM. 

And it comes with this amazing set of 
Ginsu knives. 

Clicking through the atlas, I peruse 
maps with pop-up windows of national 
flags and sound files of pronunciations 
and national anthems. I discover that 


"It may be of some comfort to you to know that this ticket is 
printed on recycled paper.” 


156 


SO YOU WANT TO BUY А 


CD-ROM 


There are a few criteria to keep in 
mind when purchasing a CD-ROM 
drive. First and foremost is speed: 
How fast does the sucker spin? Speed 
determines how quickly your drive 
can transfer data to the screen and 
how smooth your video will be, al- 
though, increasingly, speed can also 
be determined by software. The first 
CD-ROM drives transferred data at 
150 kilobytes per second. This was 
adequate for text and sound but 
sucked for animation. Videos on sin- 
gle-speed drives were the size of 
postage stamps and played with a 
herky-jerky, stop-motion, Charlie- 
Chaplin-in-cyberspace effect. 

Do not, repeat, do not let anyone 
unload one of these clunkers on you 
as part of an ill-advised value deal, 
And if you already own a single- 
speed drive, you're going 
to have to upgrade in 
order to appreciate 
the splendors of 
multimedia. 
Technology left 
150-kilobytes- 
per-second drives 
in the dust three 
years ago with 
МЕС" introduc- 
tion of the double- 
speed drive, which © 
processes data at the 
rate of, you guessed it, 300 
kilobytes per second. This made 
full-motion video a real possibility, 
though it was far from fluid. Double- 
speed drives are the floor for multi- 
media applications. They're an inex- 
pensive entry point for CD-ROM. 
But if you're going to use your drive 
extensively, you'll probably want to 
upgrade to the next level: the triple- 
speed drive. At 450 kilobytes per sec- 
ond, things start looking really cool. 
Video is smoother. Pauses, if they oc- 
cur, are shorter. You have left the city 
limits and are cruising along the in- 
terstate, with the top down and your 
favorite song blasting on the radio. 
Life is good. 

Quad speed is almost perfect, 

'h is to say, almost television (tele- 
incongruously, the standard 
by which we judge all this technology 
that’s supposed to make us smarter). 
By the time this article is printed, 
quad-speed drives will be the new 


standard, according to the Silicon 
Valley principle of More Better Faster 
Cheaper. If the automobile industry 
ran on this principle, we would all be 
driving Lamborghinis for the price of 
Geo Prisms. 

You should be running a CD-ROM 
drive off a 386 or better, if you're us- 
ing а PC; off a Mac П or higher if 
you're an Apple person. The rock- 
bottom RAM requirement is four 
megabytes. Eight will give you a bit of 
breathing room. Beyond that, it may 
not make a great deal of difference 
how fast your computer’s CPU runs. 
When you start talking about Pen- 
tium versus Power PC chips, you're 
racing Ferraris on a golf course. It re- 
ally doesn't matter. The speed of the 
CD-ROM drive itself and the software 

design are the limiting factors. 
If you ownan Apple, the 
CD-ROM installation 
process is relatively 
easy: Buy the drive, 
plug it into your 
computer and off 
you go. PC-com- 
patibles are more 
complicated. You 
can buy a CD- 
ROM drive that 
has just an SCSI in- 
terface card. This is 
adequate if you're a 
doctor or a lawyer using the 
drive for databasc scarches. But it 
doesn't give you sound capability, so 
you won't be able to do most of the 
fun stuff, such as hearing yourself be- 
ing blown to pieces by enemy space- 
ships as an orchestra swells in the 
background. If you want that, you 
have to buy a sound card (you'll want 
16-bit or better). 

OF course, CD-ROMs are capable 
of putting out CD sound, so if you 
want the full-service Mission Control 
multimedia desktop, you can buy 
speakers for your computer. Apple 
makes a good set, as do Sony and 
Koss. If you're going to play combat- 
style games, you should also consider 
buying a joystick—it does wonders 
for Relel Assault. 

Once you have the hardware set 
up, CD-ROM is a fairly straightfor- 
ward media toy: power button, vol- 
ume control, eject, et cetera. 

Run along and play. сон. 


the national anthem of Tunisia bears а 
striking resemblance to Pop Goes the 
Weasel. 105 a small world. Actually, 1 
wouldn't be surprised to find that a mi- 
nuscule island nation in the South 
Pacific has cribbed It's a Small World for 
its national anthem, prompting an inter- 
national copyright suit and subsequent 
covert invasion by Disney. 


Books have also made the leap into 
multimedia. Some succeed and others 
fail miserably. The difference between 
the former and the latter is that good 
CD-ROM titles use the text as a jump- 
ing-off point, adding information that 
(a) is not in the printed version and (b) is 
actually worth knowing. At its best, CD- 
ROM allows an author to layer text, 
graphics. video and sound into a tasty, 
nutritious media torte. For example, Art 
Spiegelman's Complete Maus CD-ROM, 
published by Voyager, combines the 
Pulitzer Prize-winning Maus books with 
preliminary material, color sketches, au- 
dio samples of Spiegelman's father nar- 
rating his experiences in Nazi-occupied 
Poland, maps, documents and tran 
scripts, Ultimately, this CD-ROM is 
about the process of producing the Maus 
books; it’s not simply a translation of 
their content. 

Voyager has produced good, high- 
brow multimedia books such as Maus, 
Marvin Minsky's The Society of Mind, 
Stephen Jay Gould's On Evolution and 
Shakespeare's Macbeth, which incorpo- 
rates performance clips by the Royal 
Shakespeare Company. Hey, it's good 
for you. And it puts less stress on the 
tendons than Jump Raven. 

CD-ROM is like Frosted Mini-Wheats 
that way: combat candy for the kid in 
you and "lit-rah-cha" for your adult side. 
‘The key is to build up a well-rounded 
bookshelf of discs so that your brain at- 
rophy is offset by educational titles. Most 
CD-ROM drives come bundled with 
discs and the salesperson may offer you а 
choice from a selection of reference vol- 
umes, entertainment titles and games. 

If I were buying a CD-ROM drive 
now, I'd try to sweeten the deal with МЕ 
crosolt's Encarta (far and away the best 
CD-ROM encyclopedia out there) and 
Bookshelf for reference, Jump Raven, Freak 
Show, Mysi and Hell Cab for entertain- 
ment, and Microsoft's film guide Cinema- 
та for edutainment. (I'm a movie buff— 
your mileage may vary. Sports Illustrated's 
Multimedia Sports Almanac is the equiva- 
lent for athletics.) Beyond that, I'd go for 
Rebel Assault, Peter Gabriel's Xplora1, Mi- 
crosoft's Art Gallery, Compton's Jazz: А 
Multimedia History and —— 

Oh, did I say something about not lik 
ing CD-ROMs? 

You see, it all depends on how they're 
prepared. I'll take mine green. 


ОМ:ТНЕ :5 СЕМЕ 


СЕТ ТНЕ РІСТОКЕ 


f imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Sharp Electron- Втт and Hi-Bmm formats, LCD camcorders offer two advantages 
ics must be feeling good. Its Viewcam, a compact camcorder over viewfinder models: They make it easier to frame shots (what 
featuring a liquid crystal display viewscreen instead of a view- you see on the display is what you get) and they allow you and 
finder, has inspired Sony, JVC and Minolta to bring similar prod- your subjects to enjoy instant showtime on the color screen. Sharp, 
ucts to market and reportedly has designers from RCA and Pana- |МС and Minolta even offer optional tuners for watching and 
sonic at the drawing boards as well. Available in compact-VHS, recording TV shows when your own footage is a major snooze. 


Clockwise from top left: Sharp's Hi-Smm VL-H410U Viewcam, $2500, combines a four-inch viewscreen, rotating lens section and a TV tuner, 
$320. JVC's Systemax GR-SV3 VHS-C camcorder, $1100, features a camera-type design with a three-inch flip-up screen and а TV tuner, $250. 
Sony's 1.4-pound Handycam Snap 8mm camcorder has a three-inch screen and point-and-shoot operations, $900. The Minolta Master C-513 
compact.VHS camcorder, $1195, featuring a three-inch flip-up screen, doubles as a message center and а TV with a VTU-500 tuner, $250. 


JAMES INEROGNO Where & How to Buy On page 153. 


GRAPEVINE 


Glam Slam 
Supermodel HELENA CHRISTENSEN makes a stunning 
impression. Whether she's strolling down a runway or 
hanging out with INXS lead vocalist Michael Hutch- 
ence, the camera follows. Not too many women can 
carry it off. Not too many women are Helena. 


Very Berry 


The CRANBERRIES are riding high with two albums on the charts: the 
double-platinum debut, Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We?, 
and the follow up, No Need to Argue. Catch their tour and get juiced. 


P 
ut) 
Tatjana Mania ў 

Model, now actress, ТАТ- f Өз 


ЗАМА PATITZ had her screen | | MA | 
! 


debut in Rising Sun. Her 

character's murder was the 

томе centerpiece. Now 7 

you can see her in Robert 4 
`, Altman's send-up of fashion, 

Ready to Wear. 


Live From New York 

It's JANEANE GAROFALO, lately of Saturday Night 
Live and sometime this spring of the movie Bye 
Bye Love with co-stars Paul Reiser and Matthew 


mirth giving her 
a headache? 


Post-Cheers Careers 

Yes, that's WOODY HARRELSON, former barkeep, current 
movie star, on guitar. Singing backup (from left) are former 
barflies KELSEY GRAMMER and GEORGE WENDT. Why 
are they risking ridicule? To honor Michael Jordan in 
Chicago at a tribute to retire his Bi number. We're 
calling them Men II Boyz. 


She's Right Up Our Alley 


It's just a coincidence that we put KIRSTIE ALLEY's pho- 
10 next to a shot of her old pals from Cheers. But it's 


not a coincidence that she's taking а break from come- 
dy to co-star in John Carpenter's remake of Village of 
the Damned. Four stars for Kirstie's dress. 


Precious Jade 

JADE (from left, TONYA KELLY, JOI MARSHALL and DI REED) has an al- 
bum, Mind, Body & Song, on the charts and a new career in front of the 
camera. The singers debuted on the big screen in director Matty Rich’s 
The Inkwell and on the small screen on Beverly Hills 90210. Reed says, 
“We're ready for our close-ups.” We agree. 


МАСМА ҒОКСЕ 


Arnold Palmer claims that Green Magma adds 
ten yards to his drive, and Mr. Universe, David 
Hawk, "would not, could not, do without it." 
Green Magma is a powder made of young bar- 
ley plants, which when mixed with mineral wa- 
ter (as they do at Chicago's Max Tavern, an 
"urban roadhouse" at 2856 North Racine), or 
with fruit juice, gives you a chlorophyllous 
cocktail that ups your energy and fights a hang- 
over. Green Magma is sold at health stores, or 
call 800-223-1216 to order a jar for $22. 


ТНЕ LONDON HE LOVES 


Covering locales as diverse as the back streets 
of Bayswater and the pastoral landscape of Re- 
gent's Park, London is John Russell's personal 
pilgrimage to the "indoor city" where he spent 
his boyhood. "John Russell is like a kind uncle 
who is taking London itself out for a trcat 
said The New York Times in describing this 256- 
page book (with 183 illustrations) that's just. 
been published by Harry N. Abrams. Buy it for 
$45, settle back with some vintage port and a 
fine cigar, and enjoy 


POTPOURRI 


THE GAME 
OF SEX 

“Imagine that my body is 
a musical instrument. I'd 
like you to play it as if it 
were: (a) a flute, (b) a pi- 
ano, (c) soft bongos, (d) а 
trumpet (belly button on- 
ly)” This and 59 other 
erotic questions printed 
оп Opportunity cards are 
included in Sexsational, a 
naughty game for two 
consenting adults. The 
first player to collect seven 
Sensual Point cards wins 


the losing player gets to 
fulfill—if you can call 
fulfilling somcone"s sexual 
fantasy “losing.” It sounds 
like our kind of game for a 
winter night. The price: 
about $20, at gifi, game 
and lingerie stores nation- 
wide. Or call the manufac- 
turer, Games Partnership, 
Lid., at 800-776-7662 for 
more information. 


HARLEY-DAVIDSON GETS THE BLUES 


It was just a decade ago that Harley-Davidson was on the road to 
Chapter 11. Now its motorcycles Hing whole hog. No won- 
der, then, that Harley has gotten into the jeans business with Bik- 
er Blues, a line of ready-to-ride denims that “will take you any- 
where you want to go.” Basic blue, jet black and vintage jeans are 
available in traditional and relaxed-fit styles for $30 to $45. They 
go great with Harley's Billings jacket (pictured here), made of a 
cowhide that looks and feels as though it's been highway-worn 
for years, Price: about $340. Call 800-4-0-BLUES for the name of a 
caler that stocks Biker Blues 


RUSH TO JUDGMENT 


IF you're not one of Rush Limbaugh's 

29 million fans, you may want to buy the 
$40 Ditto radio just to pound it into si- 
lence. The Ditto is a pocket-size portable 
that’s permanently tuned to pick up Lim- 
baugh and only Limbaugh. Like Rush, 
the radio is simple. It receives shortwave 
signals and offers only an on-off-volume 
dial, a speaker and earphones. Call 800- 
со-штто to order. 


BEST OF BRITISH BRASS 


During World War Two, the Allies used 
this 12”-tall, solid-brass panoramic tele- 
scope as a field sighting device for how. 
itzers and other large guns. Today, it makes 
a terrific coffec-table sculpture. (The tele- 
scope has 3.5x image magnification and 
an 11-degree field of view, plus a magnet- 
ic compass in case you want to take some 
serious sightings.) Price: $1500, from 
Deutsche Optik at 800-225-9407. 


A TOAST TO PORSCHE 


Porsche fans have ample reason 
to celebrate: The 911 Carrera 
coupe was named Playboy's Car 
of the Year for 1995 in our Feb- 
ruary issue, and Champagne 
Deutz in France is exporting to 
the States for the first time its 
exclusive Cuvée Porsche, a non- 
vintage brut bottled in hand- 
some etched, hand-painted 
magnums. The price: about 
$150. Or, if the holidays have 
left your wallet a bit on the thin 
side, standard 750-ml bottles of 
the same champagne are avail- 
able for about $35. Call 800-549- 
1839 to order either, but don't 
procrastinate as both are in lim- 
ited supply. Cheers! 


THE GREAT BOND 
FRAME-UP 


Once discarded as not being 
worth the paper they were 
printed оп, antique stock and 
antique bond certificates have 
become hot collector's items. 
In fact, according to William 
Hogan, managing partner of 
Vintage Securities, PO. Box 
421, Newton, Massachusetts 
02164, there are about 
25,000 serious "scripophilo- 
gists” worldwide. His compa- 
ny sells ornately framed cer- 
tificates that are priced from 
about $100 for older Ameri- 
can railroad offerings to 
$10,000 for an 1882 Standard 
Oil Trust certificate signed by 
John D. Rockefeller. Vintage 
Securities” brochure costs $2 
A good investment. 


SPECIRU 151) annıueRsaay ктап 


moon SHOT 


THE SKY’S THE LIMIT 


To commemorate the 25th an- J 
niversary of the Apollo moon шаа“ re urn a 
landings, astronaut Charles 

“Pete” Conrad, the third man to селе 

walk on the lunar surface, has T т 

created a line of educational 
comic books devoted to air and 
space travel. "Ehe first, Moon 
Shot, the Flight of Apollo ХИ, is 
published by Pepper Pike 
Graphix in two editions: a ver- 
sion autographed on the cover 
by Conrad ($45) and an un- 
signed one ($5). What's coming 
next? Another 40-page comic, 
this one devoted to the legend- 
ary Blue Angels flying team. Ask 
about it and what other ideas are 
in the works when you call 800- 
395-1359 to order Moon Shot. 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


THE SIXTIES 


HAWAIIAN HEAVEN LONGEVITY EROTIC EXPERT 


GOLF THE NIELSEN WAY—OUR FAVORITE BUNGLER'S SAMUEL L. JACKSON —THE ACTOR WHO MAKES EVERY 
GUIDE TO NAVIGATING THE GREEN—GUARANTEED ТО BE- ROLE COUNT—FROM JURASSIC PARK TO PULP FICTION— 
WILDER THE EXPERT AND PARALYZE THE DUFFER DECLAIMS ON FAME, WIGS AND THE ART OF A FOOT MAS- 


THE DOCTOR IS IN-NOTED SEX THERAPIST DR. BAR. “ACE INA 20 QUESTIONS BY DAVID RENSIN 


BARA KEESLING, AUTHOR OF HOW TO MAKE LOVE ALL DAVID MAMET, THE PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING PLAY- 
NIGHT (AND DRIVE A WOMAN WILD), REVEALS LOVE SE- WRIGHT AND SCREENWRITER, IN A REAL GUY'S INTER- 
CRETS—AND MORE—IN A MEMORABLE PICTORIAL VIEW ON WHY WE DON'T TALK WITH ONE ANOTHER AND 


PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF JAZZ & ROCK: ROCK IN THE "OW TO TELL WHEN A WOMAN IS LYING 


SIXTIES—THE BEATLES INVADED AMERICA IN CHEERY DEALER'S CHOICE -DARLENE KNOWS THE GUYS THINK 
YELLOW SUBMARINES BUT THE DECADE TURNED SOUR POKER 15 A MAN'S GAME. SHE ALSO KNOWS A FEW 
АТ ALTAMONT. YET THE MUSIC STILL PASSES THE ACID TRICKS THE BOYS FROM ALASKA NEVER HEARD OF. A 
TEST, PART SEVEN IN A SERIES BY DAVID STANDISH HIGH-STAKES TALE BY RICHARD CHIAPPONE 


HAFT FAMILY FEUD—FATHER AGAINST SON, MOTHER мең AND AGING BETTY FRIEDAN LOOKS AT THE REA- 
AGAINST FATHER, AND EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF. A SAGA SONS WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN. THE GOOD 
OF DYSFUNCTION FROM THE CLAN THAT BROUGHT YOU NEWS IS THAT MEN MIGHT SOON DEFY THE ODDS. 

DART DRUGS AND TRAK AUTO—ARTICLE BY KARA 

SWISHER THE WOMEN OF HAWAIIAN TROPIC —A TALL, TAN, TER- 


НЕС PICTORIAL OF BEACH GIRLS ALL GROWN UP 
PICKPOCKET—A WEIRD LITTLE YARN ABOUT A ONE- 


LEGGED, DIABETIC EX-CON AND HIS BEST FRIEND. THE PLUS: STUFF FOR YOUR POCKET, OUR SPRING AND SUM- 
SPIDER THAT LIVES IN HIS BASEMENT AND SHARES HIS МЕН FASHION FORECAST, A DARING PLAYMATE AND THE 
MEALS. FICTION BY THOM JONES DEBUT OF PLAYBOY TRAVEL 


m 


FILTERS 


I tastes good. 
It costs Legs. 


Therefore, 
it is Basir 


YOUR BASIC PHILOSOPHY 


It Tastes Good. It Costs Less. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 


Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Prio Morris inc 1995 
Kings: 16 mg “tar,” 11 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method 


‘ur pre. 12 


әмірі De