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ENTERTAINMENT Йй 


ТНЕ 
GIRLS OF Ж 
Se 71 OUTRAGEOUS 
Ay : GUIDE TO GOLF 
on N 7 


SAMUEL 
JACKSON 


YOU CAN 
LIVE LONGER 


TELLS HOW 


A REAL GUY'S \ 
PLUS 
INTERVIEW 
WITH PLAYWRIGHT NEW CLOTHES 
DAVID MAMET FOR SPRING 
" AND WHERE TO 


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60 IN THEM 


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300955 0 


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‘The Best a Men CanGet™ _ 


WHEN Betty Friedan made her PLAYBOY debut in the September 
1992 Interview, the co-founder of the National Organization 
for Women said, "I think the movement has to become one of. 
women and men." For her encore, the mother of feminist dis- 
sent makes good on her vows of unity with a compassionate 
look at the high cost of male stress in Why Men Die Young (il- 
lustrated by David Wilcox). 

Like Friedan, playwright David Mamet attributes tension be- 
tween the sexes to—among other things—a poor economy. 
However, his controversial play and film Oleanna dramatize a 
fate for men that's worse than death: being charged with sex- 
ual harassment. In the Playboy Interview, Mamet defends his 
position—and discusses the profanity, violence and con games 
in such stage hits as Speed-the-Plow and Glengarry Glen Ross. To 
make sure no one got hurt, we sent both Geoffrey Norman and 
Assistant Managing Editor John Rezek to handle him. Speaking 
of the boys’ night out, discover who truly holds the cards by 
reading Dealer's Choice, fiction by newcomer Richard Chiappone. 
In this tale, the guys at the fish factory sit down for poker and 
are duped by Darlene, Queen of Hearts-on-Fire. For another 
woman who has a firm hand with the opposite sex, turn to the 
pictorial of sex therapist Barbara Keesling. A goodwill ambas- 
sador between the sexes, she wrote a best-selling how-to guide 
on male multiple orgasms. 

With the O.J. Simpson case, attorney Johnnie Cochran Jr. took 
a giant step into our living room. Now we move into his for a 
Playboy Profile of the former insurance salesman. These days 
Cochran provides another sort of insurance: He wins police 
brutality cases and defends power brokers—and everyone 
reveres him. Contributing Editor Joe Morgenstern cxamincs 
the paradox. 

Musicologist David Standish revisits an earlier generation of 
rockers—those giants of the Sixties—and it's clear that time 
was on their side: Hope I Die Before 1 Get Old is the current in- 
stallment in Playboy's History of Jazz & Rock. And in 1969 at least 
one guy kept his skin young before he got old: Florida's Ron 
Rice had a sunstroke of genius and invented Hawaiian Tropic 
tanning lotion. His recent smooth move was to encourage 
Contributing Photographer Arny Freytag to do a Girls of Hawai- 
ian Tropic pictorial. The girls are smokin’ (but their skin's not). 
Our final anti-aging secret is in Pickpocket (artwork by Ken 
Warneke), a monolog by an old, one-legged thief who finds 
youth in a bowl of oatmeal. It's fiction by Thom Jones. 

"Things get tricky in the 20 Questions this month with Samuel 
L. Jackson, the Bible-quoting hit man from Pulp Fiction. We sent 
question marksman David Rensin for the actor's thoughts on 
everything from hair care to John Travolta. But it's Jackson's 
description of a foot massage that you'll remember—that, and 
the title of one of his next flicks, Die Hard With a Vengeance. 
You might not reduce your handicap with Leslie Nielsen's Stu- 
pid Little Golf Book (illustrated by Steve Brodner and excerpted 
from the Doubleday book Leslie Nielsen’s Stupid Little Golf Book 
by Leslie Nielsen and Henry Beard), but we guarantee you'll 
laugh your way through it. And you'll groan through The 
Playboy Forum's excerpt of Stupid Government Tricks (Plume) by 
John Kohut. 

Dream of this month's Playmate, Danelle Folta, and she may 
dream of you: Danelle says her nocturnal movies—romances, 
nightmares, reunions—have interesting casts. When audi- 
tioning for your part, consider wearing one of the suits fea- 
tured in our Spring and Summer Fashion Forecast, photographed 
by Gordon Munro. The key to looking good is pairing a bright 
tie with a classic jacket—and not drooling on your pillow. 


PLAYBILL 


А N 
FREYTAG 


STANDISH 


WARNEKE 


RENSIN 


AN 
BRODNER 


KOHUT 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), April 1995, volume 42, number 4. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-dass postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: 
Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Towa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com. 


‚ ЖБ ww 
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Tas р 


isvile, KY ©1995 


Take it easy. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 42, no. 4—april 1995 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
Т АШ ҮК Sae gr RATTE TEL 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY . 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 13 
WIRED 16 
STYLE 20 
MUSIC 22 
TRAVEL AS 24 
MOVIES ........ MERE nhs eese BRUCE WILLIAMSON 26 
VIDEO COREE O E ER 30 
БООКЕ. „зонала неза RAR Tages n “DIGBY DIEHL 34 
MEN...... AER OU Vete rt rere 4... ASA BABER 36 
WOMEN.......... а 2... CYNTHIA HEIMEL 37 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. .... rtc M AL TUN Decr КА 39 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 2; on 41 
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK—opinion A ROBERT SCHEER 49 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAVID MAMET—condid conversation ‚+, 51 
WHY MEN DIE YOUNG—article ебе BETTY FRIEDAN 62 меке. 
THE DOCTOR IS IN—pictorial..... . N DU Bee 68 
PICKPOCKET—fiction = EEE: THOM JONES 74 
SPRING AND SUMMER FORECAST—fashion ................... HOLLIS WAYNE 78 
LESLIE NIELSEN'S STUPID LITTLE GOLF BOOK—humor 87 
PERCHANCE TO DREAM—playboy’s playmate of the month. . 90 
PARTY JOKES—humor............ Mx EFC tn est RED ee Ор 
COURT MAGIC—playboy profile................,....... JOE MORGENSTERN 104 Bree Gl 
DEALER'S CHOICE—fiction . кучеру RICHARD CHIAPPONE 106 
PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF JAZZ & ROCK 
PART SEVEN: HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET OLD—article DAVID STANDISH 110 
POCKET ADDITIONS—modern living 118 
20 QUESTIONS: SAMUEL L. JACKSON 120 
GIRLS OF HAWAIIAN TROPIC—pictoricl 122 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY............. 155 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 157 Spring Fashion 


COVER STORY 


Bronzed goddess Shana Hiatt shoots us o glance on her way to a luau. Our 
cover was designed by Senior Art Director Len Willis, produced by Senior Pho- 
to Editor Jim Larson ond styled by Violet Warzecho. Vidal Rodriguez of Salon 
Avante/Chicago styled Shana's heir and Kathy Durkin of Che Sguardo styled 
her makeup. Thanks to Gina Stephani of Swimwear of Chicago for Shana’s 
bikini ond to Amy Freytag for the cover shot. The Rabbit gets a Hawaiian lei 


Incas OE CTU DE CONTENIDO NO, S VON BE FECHA 29 OF JULIO D S POR LA COMISION CALIFICADORA OF PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUSTRADAS DEPENDIENTE DE La 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


PLAYBOY 


The Playbo 
Catalog... г 


Our own Romantics 
by Playboy lingerie 
(as shown here on 
Playmate Traci Adell), 
sensuous videos, 
Playboy collectibles, 


Р. 0. Box 809, Dept. 
59263, Itasca, IL 
60143-0809 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER ari director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 
JOHN REZEK assislant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: PETER MOORE, STEPHEN RANDALL edi- 
tors; FICTION: ALICE K. TURNER editor; FORUM: 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROW 
assistant editor; MODERN LIVING: paviD 
STEVENS editor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; 
STAFF: BRUCE KLUGER, CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO, 
BARBARA NELLIS associate editors; DOROTHY ATCHE: 
son assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE di- 
тейт; JENNIFER KYAN JONES assistant editor; CAR- 
TOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN BUSHMAN assistant edi- 
lor; ANNE SHERMAN Copy associate; CAROLYN 
BROWNE senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, REMA 
SMITH, SARI WILSON researchers; CONTRIBUT- 
ING EDITORS: ASA BABER. KEVIN COOK, 
GRETCHEN EDGREN. LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS 
(automotive), CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WILLIAN J. HELMER, 
WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGEN 
STERN, REG POTTERTON. DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFE 
DAVID STANDISH, MORGAN STRONG. BRUCE WiL- 
LIAMSON (movies) 


ART 
KERIG rore managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENEK associate director; KELLY KORJENER as- 
sistant director; ANN SEÚL supervisor, keyline/ 
pasteup; PAUL CHAN, RICKIE THOMAS art assistants 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON. 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior edilors; PXTTY 
BEAUDET associate editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT AS- 
sistant editor; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY 
FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUI, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEW- 
MAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing 
photographers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; TIM HAWKINS 
photo librarian 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO. RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI. TOM SIMONFK associate managers 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ERNIE RENZULLI advertising director; JUDY BER- 
xowrrz national projects director; SALES DIREC: 
TORS: KIM L PINTO eastern region; JODI VEVODA 
GOSHGARIAN midwestern region; IRV KORNSLAU 
marketing director; LISA NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER 
RONES rights & permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


The original hardcover editions of 
For Whom the Bell Tolls — together with 
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Playdates: March 17, 20, 30 


snjoy the ultimate in late night 
entertainment 24 hours a day with 
all of the sensuality, passion and 
excitement you've come to expect 
from Playboy. Playboy Television 
brings you an incomparable line 
up of provocative, made-for- 
Playboy world premiere movies, 
spectacular special events, 
uncensored music videos, sizzling 
series and, of course, Playmates. 
Playboy's got it all, and you can 
have it all — anytime, day or night! 


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PLAYBOY 


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the 18” dish. 1-800-379-4388 
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DEAR PLAYBOY 


80 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGD, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPR@PLAYBOY.COM 


SEX AND DRUGS 
"Thank you for Stephen Rae's great ar- 
ticle, Sex and Prozac (January). It's im- 
portant for men to recognize that pre- 
mature ejaculation is common and 
treatable. 
Dr. Roger Crenshaw 
La Jolla, California 


As a Prozac user, I read Sex and Prozac 
with interest. I noticed the side effects 
of sexual inhibition and delayed ejac- 
ulation almost immediately but have 
learned to deal with the former and cap- 
italize on the latter. After all, how else 
can a middle-aged man go on for hours 
and enjoy every blessed second? 

J. Hall 
Little Rock, Arkansas 


Thank you for your informative arti- 
cle on the sexual effects of Prozac. I have 
been taking the drug for about three 
years for my chronic migraine condition. 
I have asked many Prozac users if there 
is sex while on the drug, and they all 
have said no. However, there is sex with 
Prozac. 1 have learned to replace the 
sexual lust with a longing to be with my 
husband in the most personal way 
possible. 

Ellen Blau 
Bingham Farms, Michigan 


I'm sick of hearing about how de- 
pressed middle- and upper-class people 
are and how easy it is for them to get 
prescription drugs from licensed physi- 
cians. Try going into the city slums and 
talking with a couple of homeless peo- 
ple—then tell me about your awful life. 

Michelle Leford 
Baltimore, Maryland 


I was troubled by the implication in 
Sex and Prozac that the psychiatric com- 
munity does not acknowledge sexually 
related problems associated with the 
drug. Studies have shown that Prozac 
can cause abnormal ejaculation, urinary 


BOY USN 0222-14761, АРЫ. 1606, 
RUNO over" SUBSCRIPTIONS: 12037. 


impairment and impotence. This infor- 
mation is readily available, but since 
these symptoms do not occur in every 
patient, psychiatrists are reluctant to cre- 
ate undue anxiety in patients who are al- 
ready mentally imbalanced. 

Dr. James Sodano 

Madison, New Jersey 


DEATH AND DECEPTION 
Eric Konigsberg's article on the mur- 

der of Brandon Tenna (Death of a Deceiv- 
er, January) was infuriating. Those of us 
who are transgendered are quite sure 
that Brandon was not a woman posing as 
а man. He was a man who happened to 
have a woman's body. Often, when fe- 
male-to-male transsexuals die, they are 
conveniently referred to as women. Ko- 
nigsberg was insensitive to use female 
pronouns about someone who lived and 
was accepted as a man. 

Dallas Denny 

American Educational Gender 

Information Service, Inc. 
Atlanta, Georgia 


Your artide on Teena Brandon broke 
my heart and enraged me at the same 
time. It's awful that three people had to 
die because of two ignorant men whose 
fear of something different caused them 
to become rapists and murderers. May- 
be someday bigots will stop inflicting 
pain on other people just because of 
sexuality. 

Susan Willige 
Norman, Oklahoma 


JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME 

Based on the recent subjects of the 
famed Playboy Interview, 1 guess you must 
think we are somewhere between Beavis 
and Butt-head on the food chain. The 
piece on Jean-Claude Van Damme (Jan- 
чагу) was the ultimate slap in the face to 
those of us literate enough to read your 
interviews. Who cares what Van Damme, 
Christian Slater and Garth Brooks have 
to say? The Playboy Interview has a 


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PLAYBOY 


wonderful history. Please don't get 
caught up in the entertainment-gossip 
frenzy that pervades the media. Nourish 
our minds the way you've been soothing 
our eyes for decades. 
Lawrence Galizio 
Portland, Oregon 


Congratulations to Lawrence Grobel 
and Jean-Claude Van Damme for a great. 
interview that really pumped us up. Van 
Damme's ambition is an inspiration and 
his true tales of struggling in Hollywood 
are reminiscent of the times we lived in 
our cars and were trying to rise above an 
indifferent Los Angeles. 

Rick Pamplin 
Robert Fisher 
Pamplin-Fisher Co. 
Orlando, Florida 


VERY BARRYMORE 
I love the Drew Barrymore pictorial 
(True Drew, January), but I think you 
went a bit too far. You took away her 
clothes, but did you have to take away 
her eyebrows? 
Rick Schwarze 
Huntsville, Alabama 


Yes, 1 know that PLAYBOY is purchased 
for its articles, but Drew Barrymore 
jump-started my heart. By the time men 
reach their 30s, they generally pass the 


pinup-on-the-wall phase. I plan to re- 
verse this. 

Robert DeJernett 

Palos Verdes Fstates, California 


If E.T. were around to see the PLAYBOY 
pictures of Drew Barrymore, his finger 
probably wouldn't be the only thing to 
light up. 

Shawn Watson 
Arlington, Texas 


Ugh! Why didn’t you airbrush those 
nasty tattoos? 
Roberto Santiago 
Cleveland, Ohio 


1 just subscribed, and the Drew Barry- 
more issue showed up in the mail. She is 
definitely fy: 

Cosmo Piccoli 
Brooklyn, New York 


CLARENCE THOMAS 
As a conservative African American, 1 
am outraged at Lincoln Caplan's hatch- 
et job (The Accidental Jurist, January) on 
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thom- 
as. Lyndon Johnson and his stooge, Jus- 
tice Thurgood Marshall, brainwashed 
black people for more than a quarter of 
a century. Thcy implied that wc arc not 
smart enough to make it on our own and 
must be forever spoon-fed by govern- 
ment bureaucracies. Like Clarence 
Thomas, millions of responsible black 
Americans are angry that liberalism has 
dehumanized and degraded us for six 
decades. It is obvious that Caplan can't 
stomach the fact that the most powerful 
black person in the United States is a 
staunch conservative. 
Emmett Till Jr. 
Carmel, California 


Caplan's biased and speculation-in- 
duced hatred of Clarence Thomas is 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


unbelievable. 1 reread the article sever- 
al times for substantial references and 
facts. Where are they? There are no ar- 
guments based on fact, only fantastic, 
spiteful premises leading to an infantile 
debasement of Thomas. Is this PLAYBOY's 
idea of liberalism? 

Richard Hodulic 

Burbank, California 


If you cannot attack the ideas, attack 
the man. The strongest jabs Caplan can 
inflict on Thomas claim that he showed 
an interest in sexual materials that were 
beyond the then-established norm— 
something that PLAYBOY should applaud. 
There are thousands of successful black 
men and women who are working in 
every field and proving themselves to be 
capable entrepreneurs. Why don't we 
see statistics lauding their accomplish- 
ments? What constructive conclusion are 
we to reach from Caplan's article? 

М.Е. McLaughlin 
Abbeville, South Carolina 


HOLLIDAY FAVORITE 

Besides gazing at beautiful women in 
PLAYBOY, my passion is country music. 
January Playmate Melissa Holliday is 
drop-dead gorgeous. She also has her 
sights set on a recording contract, which 
makes her even more appealing to me. 
If Melissa sings half as good as she 
looks, I would certainly like to hear 


her. She is most definitely а Holliday 
to celebrate. 
Jeffrey Cooke 
Muskegon, Michigan 


COLLEGE HOOPS 
"Thanks to Gary Cole for another top- 
notch College Basketball Preview. (Janu- 
ary). Congratulations especially to John 
Amaechi from Penn State University. 1 
knew of his hardwood talent but not of 
his scholastic achievements. 1 will dig 
ош this issue when tournament time 
approaches. 
Ike Dehler 
dehi@midway.uchicago.edu 
Chicago, Illinois 


20 QUESTIONS 
Until the January 20 Questions, 1 knew 
Tom Snyder only from an episode of The 
Larry Sanders Show. Now I'm catching 
him late at night. 
Mark Anbinder 
<mha@tidbits.com> 
Ithaca, New York 


CAREER ADVICE 
Penn Jillette (Penn on Fire, January) 
might be in the wrong busines. He 
ought to be writing more short humor 
pieces. 
Robert Holliday 
Dunn, North Carolina 


THE EX-SURGEON GENERAL 
Why am I writing to PLAYBOY? Because 
I applaud your commitment to personal 
freedom and 1 bemoan the loss of Joce- 
lyn Elders as surgeon general. She was a 
strong voice of reality. She suggested 
that masturbation is a normal human 
function. 
Bob Schulhof 
Acton, California 


BLINDING ACCURACY 

I'm a University of Miami fan and was 
very unhappy last fall when Sports Edi- 
tor Gary Cole didn't pick the Hurricanes 
for his preseason number one football 
team. 1 couldn't believe he chose Ne- 
braska. So it really caught my eye—and 
shut my mouth—when the Huskers 
came through for PLAYBOY. Then, after 
the 49ers humiliated the Chargers in the 
Super Bowl, I went to my back issues 
and saw that Danny Sheridan chose the 
49ers in his NFL preseason picks. Has 
any other magazine ever gotten a whole 
season of football correct? 1 don't think 
Sports Illustrated has ever done it. How 
did your fearless prognosticators do it? 

Pat Smith 
Miami, Florida 

Thanks, Pat. We checked with our two ex- 
perts, and the answer is a whole lot of research 
and a little bit of luck. Or vice versa. 


100's, 16 mg. "tar", 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


e 


HEY, THE DOG'S RED 
HOT THE BEER. 


Dogs should be red. Beer should be smooth. 
And easy to drink. 


Now Available In Most Areas. Plank Кова Brewery. Enjoy It Responsibly. 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


ЖА 


TASTE BUDS 


Guy Brand, 26, and Matthew Grim, 
28, are Los Angeles entrepreneurs who 
have figured out a way to exploit Gener- 
ation X's favorite pastime: bitching 
about the way it's portrayed in movies 
Their firm, Reality, Inc., advises film- 
makers who can't tell the difference be- 
tween house music and jungle music or 
who wonder whether references to the 
Brady Bunch are stoopid fresh or just 
plain stupid. Brand and Grim give 
thumbs down to Beverly Hills 90210's 
handling of drug use ("We have friends 
who have OD'd,” says Grim. "And 90210 
isn't even close") and to Reality Bites ("a 
plethora of suckiness”). So far, they've 
thrashed through several scripts for in- 
dependent producers, and Brand did 
the slang for Roger Corman's Caged Heat 
3000. "When in doubt," goes their mot- 
to, "use profanity." 


CRESCENT SANDWICHES 


Allah be served. We note with pleasure 
that McDonald's opened a fast food out- 
let in the holiest of Moslem cities, Mecca. 
Every year, the city is host to millions of 
religious pilgrims who visit the Grand 
Mosque. Now they will be able to grab a 
burger that is halal—meat slaughtered 
according to Islamic rules—in case a Big 
Mac attack threatens to undermine their 
religious observance. 


ONE-STOP POACHING 


To discourage illegal hunting, Wyo- 
ming's Game and Fish Department set 
up a Stop Poaching exhibit at their 
offices in Casper. The display included 
three sets of antlers, which, of course, 
were promptly stolen. 


CAUGHT IN A FOG 


Breaking wind and entering: It seems 
that a gentleman described by police аз а 
career criminal was in the middle of a 
routine burglary of a tony Fire Island, 
New York home when the residents 
heard noises and got out of bed to inves- 
tigate. They searched the house but 
found no one until they heard the un- 


mistakable sound of flatulence emanat- 
ing from a closed closet. They then held 
56-year-old Richard Magpiong—and 
their noses—until police arrived 


DINNER? HOW ABOUT 
A HEALTH PLAN? 


According to the newspaper Yedioth 
Ahronoth, a woman in Israel has filed for 
divorce on the grounds that her hus- 
band is so smitten with another woman 
that he ordered his wife to change her 
hair color and style to that of his true 
love, Hillary Clinton. Apparently, his in- 
fatuation dates back to when the First 
Lady went to Israel and did the famous 
Gaza Strip tease. 


A BOY NAMED ADRIAN 
Perhaps inspired by the California stu- 
dent who changed his name to Trout 


Fishing in America, Adrian Williams of 


Wisconsin has petitioned to change his 
name to Romanceo Sir Tasty Maxibil- 


lion. Williams said he chose the name 
Maxibillion because his goal is to become 
а billionaire. Because he's serving a 50- 
year prison term for robbery, he should 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


have plenty of time to work on it—and to 
explain the Romanceo Sir Tasty part to 
his fellow inmates. 


FULSOME PRISON 


Minnesota prison officials terminated 
a program in which inmates worked as 
telemarketers for Fortune 500 compa- 
nies. Apparently, the prisoners were 
making too much money. One con 
cleared $23,000 in just a few months. 
His name: J.P. Morgan. Maybe Maxibil- 
lion is on to something. 


ONLY HER HAIRDRESSER 


We appreciate your candor, but why 
don't you just answer the question? 
When Darlene Oar, a Florida shoplifting 
suspect, was asked by a police officer at 
the station house what color her hair 
was, she pulled down her pants and 
taunted him by saying, "Why don't you 
look?" She was then warned that she 
would face additional charges if she con- 
tinued to expose herself. 


BLONDE ON BLONDE 


They can't even get the personals 
right. There it was, in cold, hard stere: 
type, an ad in the Columbus [Ohio] U: 
derground Press from "Two Hot Naughty 
Bi Blondes" who were looking for a 
financially secure gentleman. The proof 
behind their hair-color claims was in the 
last line: "Messages accidentally erased, 
please call again." 


SIX FEET UNDER PAR 


Every golfer dreams of making a hole 
in one, and for a 79-year-old Massachu- 
setts man the dream came true just in 
the nick of time. Emil Kijek bagged the 
first ace of his life, but collapsed and 
died on the next tee. 


A NUT BOLTS 


A teenager who vent looking for a job 
at a hardware store in Homosassa 
Springs, Florida allegedly wound up 
stealing from his prospective employ- 
er. Workers noticed the youth leaving 


RAW 


DATA 


FACT OF THE 
MONTH 

According to the 
U.S. Department of 
Agriculture, the av- 
erage cost of rais- 
ing a child to college 
age is $231,140, of 
which only $41,650 
is currendy tax de- 
ductible (based on 
annual exemptions 
allowed by the 1994 
tax code). 


QUOTE 
"We like to walk 
around naked. It's 
not pretty and we don't want people 
talking about us." —sINGER ANITA BAK- 
ER ON WHY SHE AND HER HUSBAND DON'T. 
HAVE LIVE-IN HELP 


GIRLS II MEN 

Number of unmarried men for 
every 100 unmarried women among 
Americans under 25: 111; for ages 25 
10 29, number of single men for every 
100 single women: 128; for ages 30 to 
34, number of single men for every 
100 single women: 121. 


DOUBLED BARRELS 
Annual domestic retail sales of guns 
and ammunition in 1987: $4.8 bil- 
lion. In 1992: $9 billion. 


FATHER FIGURES 
In a study of 231 married fathers 
who earned MBAs from one of two 
universities, average salary (adjusted 
to fit control model) of man whose 
wife also worked: $97,490; salary of 
man whose wife stayed at home: 
$121,630. Percentage increase in 
salary from 1987 to 1993 of man with 
working wife: 45; percentage increase 

for sole income earner: 64. 


TAKE THAT (AND A BIT MORE) 

According to a survey of 506 cases, 
average term given to lawbreakers 
who were convicted of crimes that 
carry a five-ycar mandatory mini- 
mum sentence (per federal guide- 
lines): seven years, three months. Av- 
erage sentence for those convicted of 


А, INSIGNIFICA, STATS d 


crimes that carry 
ten-year sentences: 
14 years. 


FROM SUGAR TO 
SPICE 

According to the 
Centers for Disease 
Control and Preven- 
tion, percentage of 
women who had sex 
by the age of 15 in 
1970: five; percent- 
age of women who 
2 had sex by that age 
1 in 1992: 33. 


THE WELFARE LINE 

Percentage of welfare (Aid to Fami- 
lies With Dependent Children pro- 
gram) recipicnts in 1969 who were 
black: 45; in 1994: 38. In 1994, per- 
centage who were white: 38. Percent- 
age of welfare families with one or 
two children: 72. Percentage with 
four or more kids: ten. Percentage of 
welfare parents who are in their 
teens: eight. Number of Americans 
below the poverty line (annual in- 
come of $11,890 for family of three): 
35 million. 


THE LONELY LIFE OF MODELS 

In a survey of 150 up-and-coming 
models in New York City by Glamour, 
percentage of models who say their 
profession makes it harder to meet 
men: 55. Percentage who have dated 
a millionaire: 35; percentage who 
have gone out with a rock star: 95. 
Percentage of models who go out al- 
most every night: 12; percentage who 
go out three times a week: 42; per- 
centage who go out once a week: 35. 


RENT CHECK 

According to-a review of the na- 
tion's 46 largest metro arcas (popula- 
tion of more than 1 million) by the 
Commerce Department, the commu- 
nity with highest median rental costs 
for housing: Anaheim-Santa Ana, 
Calif. ($790 per month); place with 
lowest rents: Pittsburgh ($366). In re- 
view of all metro arcas, community 
with highest rents: Stamford, Conn. 
($844); place with lowest rents: 
Danville, Va. ($278). 


hurriedly and then realized that two 
handguns and a man's watch were miss- 
ing. The kid was not hard to find, how- 
ever, for he had left behind his complet- 
ed job application. The store manager, 
Joe Clark, remarked, "It was about 
the dumbest thing I have ever seen.” He 
didn't say if the kid got the job, though. 


HOLY ROLLERS 


The 2200-seat Shrine of the Most 
Holy Redeemer on the Las Vegas strip is 
not your typical Catholic church, For 
one thing, the collection plates and gift 
shop gladly accept casino chips. (A Fran- 
ciscan friar who formerly held the job of 
cashing them in was known as the Chip 
Monk.) For another, a $5 donation to the 
building fund gets you a chip featuring 
the image of Jesus —legal tender, we as- 
sume, at all church bingo games. 


TAKES ONE TO COVER ONE 


The best line about former Mayflower 
madam Sidney Biddle Barrows' assign- 
ment to report on the Heidi Fleiss trial: 
Los Angeles Times writer Phil Rosenthal 
speculated that "Barrows will be paid 
$200 per half hour, $350 per hour and 
$1000 if they want her to stay all night." 


RUMP ROASTER 


We like the concept: The Sharper Im- 
age now offers a seat cushion that, after 
five minutes in a microwave, stays warm 
for up to eight hours in a chilly duck 
blind or football stadium. However, we 
have trouble with the cushion's name, 
which sounds like a cartoon character in 
а Kaopectate commercial: Lava Buns. 


ANSWERED PRAYERS 


Finally the real reason we had no 
World Series last year: On the second 
page of a fund-raising letter written in 
August 1994, the Reverend Billy Gra- 
ham wrote, “My greatest burden at the 
moment is for prayer for the Atlanta 
Crusade. The crusade is to take place at 
the same time as the World Series. This 
situation could cut deeply into the atten- 
dance at the Georgia Dome, where our 
crusade is being held. Thus, we need 
prayer on a scale that we have rarcly 
needed in recent crusades." 


NORWEGIAN WOODIES 


Though Marilyn Monroe never set 
foot in Haugesund, a village on Nor- 
way's coast, the town plans to erect a stat- 
ue of her. Oslo's daily Dagbladet reports 
that some townsfolk are outraged be- 
cause the only connection the village has 
with the actress is that Monroe, an ille- 
gitimate child, may have been fathered 
by a man with roots there. A local writer 
pointed out that "it is as if some village in 
the mountains of Pakistan had erected a 
statue of [Norwegian comedian] Harald 
Heide Steen Jr.” Exactly. 


{ loty, Wolverines 
Make your feet to le те working at all. They re 
he only work Boots with a 30-day money-back guarantee 
for Comfort. And they re available in 6", 8", Steel Toes and 
“Wellingtons. For a dealer near you, call 1-800-543-2668. 


tented Compression Pads Cushion Your Foot on Impact. 


WOLVERINE BOOTS & OUTDOOR FOOTWEAR SINCE 1883 


©. 1994 Wolverine World Wide, Inc., Rockford, MI 49351 


WIRED 


SMART VCRS 


Tired of fast-forwarding through your 
girlfriend's episodes of Melrose Place to 
find the basketball game you taped? 
Then consider a VCR equipped with In- 
dex Plus+, a new automatic cataloging 
technology that locates recorded pro- 
grams at the push of a button. Here's 
how it works: Broadcasters transmit a 
show's title, length and program catego- 
ryin a special portion of their signal (the 
vertical blanking interval, for you 


techies). An Index Plus+ VCR then re- 
ceives and stores the info inside a memo- 
ry chip and electronically codes cach 
tape with a corresponding ID number. 
All you have to do is label each cassette 
and box with the same code. Later, you 
can call up an on-screen menu of, say, 
Sports Recordings, see that the sought- 
after game was captured on tape two, in- 
sert the cassette and press a button. The 
VCR will automatically fast-forward to 
the program and commence playing. 
Developed by Gemstar Development 
Corp., the company that introduced the 
now standard VCR Plus- recording sys- 
tem, Index Plus+ will debut next month 
in Panasonic's $900 V-4570 hi-fi VCR. 
Other manufacturers expected to in- 
troduce Index Plus+ VCRs include 
Hitachi, JVC, Mitsubishi, Sanyo, 
Sharp and RCA. 


TAX BYTE 


If you're hot to get your hands on your 
income tax refund check, or you just 
want to save money, consider filing your 
forms electronically. According to Mark 
Goines, vice president of the Personal 
Tax Group at Intuit software, “It can 
shave three to four weeks off the pro- 
cessing time—even more if you opt to 
have the money deposited directly into a 
checking account.” All you need is a 
computer, tax preparation saftware such 


as Intuit's TurboTax or MacInTax (about 
$40) and a modem—plus these tips from 
Goines: First, be sure to assemble all im- 
portant documents—W2s, 1099s, re- 
ceipts and last year’s tax returns—before 
you sit down to your computer. Make 
sure you've entered your Social Security 
and employer identification numbers 
correctly. And take advantage of the soft- 
ware's interview process; it walks you 
through the filing just as an accountant 
would. Good tax software, such as the 
aforementioned Intuit tides and Tax- 
Cut (by Block Financial Software, 
about $40), will warn you of possible 
problems as well as offer technical sup- 
port should you have questions. 


COURT 3-D 


Lawyers have a new courtroom tool— 
computer animation. Intended to help 
juries visualize complex or technical 
circumstances and concepts, three-di- 
mensional animation is being used in 
court to illustrate everything from 
patent infringements to toxic-waste 
spills. ‘The litigation animation by En- 
gineering Animation, Inc. looks like a 
cross between a virtual-reality game 


and the Dire Straits music video Money 
for Nothing. Entertaining? It certainly 
beats listening to a droning attorney. But 
what really makes the visualizations 
powerful is their versatility. Combining 


the laws of physics with the physical evi- 
dence and particulars of a case, EAI can 
reconstruct just about any scene or ob- 
ject and present it in detail from any per- 
spective—whether it’s in the air, under- 
water, underground, in space, in the 
human body or in Brentwood, Califor- 
nia. EAI is working with forensics expert 
James Starrs to re-create the circum- 
stances surrounding the Nicole Brown 
Simpson-Ronald Goldman murders. 


— — 


Three blinding mice: 


ictured below are some af Logitech's MouseMan Sensa design- 


er computer mice. They include (clockwise from top) the Deep Woad model, which re- 
sembles the bark of а redwood tree; Block Chess, featuring a glassy diomond pattern; 
and Blue Leapard, a steel-blue mouse textured with soft black jaguar markings. In ad- 
dition to their cool casings, the IBM-compotible Sensas con be programmed to initiate 


commands with a single click. The 
price: $75 each. e First you 
could use Shorp's Viewcom 
to shoot video footage. 
Then you could attach a 


tuner ta 
it and watch yaur 


favorite shows on the LCD viewscreen. Naw you can 
use the versatile camcorder to send video pictures over 


phone lines, thanks ta the new Viewcomteleport. Priced ot 

$900, the dacking device lets LCD camcorder owners transmit 

still images from their video recordings, as well as images shot during live phone con- 
versations, to each ather's screens. А memary chip in the teleport can store ten still 
shots at a time. Sending all of them would toke between one and three minutes, or up 
to 20 seconds each, depending an the image yau're sending. 


( OBSESSION 


for men 


SNN 


TEL 


( OBSESSION 


for men 


чә. 


Ostsee 


ornen 


Calvin Klein 


Your gift with any $32.00 
OBSESSION for men purchase 


ROBINSONS -MAY 


Open fold for offer limited, one gift per customer, 
OBSESSION for men availoble while quantities lost 


MULTIMEDIA 
REVIEWS & NEWS 


ON CD-ROM 
Like all of Microsoft's multimedia titles, 
Complete NBA Basketball delivers on the 
click-and-go promise of the medium 
The photography is gorgeous, the sound 
bites are evocative and the hot buttons 
invite hoopheads to fast-break through 
information about teams, stats, seasons, 
championship runs and individual glo- 
ries. And if the Quick Time movies aren't 
quite quick enough to keep up with the 
likes of Michael Jordan, reducing him to 
a jerky spasm as he drives the lane, 
there's a certain justice to that, too, if you 
remember the flailings of those designat- 
ed to guard him. The disc also p: ides 
access to Basketball Daily, Microsoft's dial- 
up sports page. However, it costs a hefty 


CYBER SCOOP 


Tired of the banal babble оп the 
big-three commercial online ser- 
vices? Then dial up the Transom, 
on online olternative for Gen Xers 
thot offers columns by shorp young 
writers, compelling political de- 
bote and full Internet connectivity. 


Elvis has left the Internet: Dor't 
woste your time searching for the 
Elvis Presley Home Poge. The grod 
student who creoted the Web site 
wos asked by Presley's estote to 
remove it because of unauthorized 
use of sound clips ond images of 
Grocelond, Of course, that proba- 
bly means Elvis sightings will be- 
come os common on the Net os 
they ore in reol life. 


$1.25 per issue, and you'd have time to 
walk to the corner and buy a newspaper 
in the 12 minutes it takes to download. 
For now, stick with the disc s the ulti- 
mate hardwood reference work. (For 
Windows, $50.) 


What a way to start 
the day: As you peel 
your face off the 
bathroom tile, you 
notice that the tooth 
fairy, lying dead on 
the floor next to you, 
has been impaled by 
an extremely large 
molar. Blood is ev- 
erywhere and the 
urge to hurl is over- 
whelming. But hold 
back, because the 
first clue to solving the murder mysteries 
of MTV's Club Dead has been strategically 
placed in the toilet bowl—and, yes, you 
have to fish it out to win the game. Leave 


Club Deodheod 


it to MTV to open its premiere CD-ROM 
with that sicko scenario. Actually, Club 


Dead features more than 90 minutes of 


surreal full-motion video, bizarre anima- 
tion and an industrial metal soundtrack 
that's nearly as grating as MTV's Ken- 
nedy. The game takes place in the 
21st century, a time when virtual re- 
ality isa drug that's outlawed every- 
where except the Alexandria, a fu- 
turistic resort. As Sam Frost, a 
cyberplumber and ex-VR addict, 
it's your job to fix some minor tech- 
nical malfunctions in the Alexan- 
dria's virtual reality pods—and to 
find out who or what is turning ho- 
tel visitors into Club Dead meat. Al- 
though the game is distressingly lin- 
car (you either complete tasks in a 
particular order or die), it creates a 
stylish alternate reality that is by 
turns eerie, raucous and madden- 
ingly complex. The characters who 
populate this claustrophobic postcy- 
berpunk world are eccentrics you'll 
love to hate. If it seems that they're 
all against you, well, they are. So 
plug in, keep your eyes and ears open 
and don't trust a soul. (By Viacom New 
Media, for Windows, $60.) 


We were ready to write off The Virtual Gui- 
tar as just another lame PC peripheral— 
but then we plugged it in and gave it a 
try. About 95 percent of the size of a 
standard electric guitar, the Virtual Gui- 
tar comes with a CD-ROM game titled 
Welcome to West Feedback, featuring a 
selection of tunes including Hey Jealousy 
by the Gin Blossoms and Motley Crue's 
Kick Start My Heart. A meter that resem- 
bles an EKG appears on the comput- 
er screen, indicating exactly when you 
need to strum to stay in tempo, and but- 
tons on the base of the guitar let you ad- 
just the volume or add distortion and 
other metalhead effects. At first, we were 
rolling our eyeballs in a “Geez, 1 feel like 
an ass” kind of way. But as we began to 
match the meter (i.e., get better), we no- 
ticed that our feet were tapping and our 
heads were banging 
to the beat. We were 
out of control—and 
we liked it. We also 
liked knowing that 
this is no one-hit 
wonder. Artists such 
as Aerosmith plan to 
star in additional 
CD-ROM tides for 
the Virtual Guitar. 
We took Quest for 
Fame: Featuring Aero- 
smith for a spin. As 
Steven Tyler sang Sweet Emotion, we 
jammed with Joe Perry and the band. 
It was cool! Heh, heh. Heh, heh. (By 
Ahead Inc. for IBM PCs.) 


ON DISK 
Fly past the reference section of The 
Greatest Paper Airplanes and head to the 
index tabs marked "planes and fold." 
"That's where the fun begins. Designed 
with an interface that resembles a three- 


Air Guitor Apparent 


ring notebook, this title features lessons 
оп aerodynamics and flight as well as 
three-dimensional animated tutorials on 
how to fold 25 different paper airplanes. 
Some of the planes look complicated, 
but don’t sweat it. Point-and-dick VCR- 
type buttons let you repeat each folding 
step as often as you like. You also can ro- 
tate the angle of the plane for a better 
view and make a printout of the design 
so you can fold on the lines. Imagine 
how you could have tormented teachers 
with this product. Guess you'll just have 
to target your boss instead. (From Kitty 
Hawk Software, for Windows, $40.) 


DIGITAL DUDS 


Comedy Central’s Dating & 
Mating: Big-name comedions 
joke about marriage, sex, breok- 
ing up ond more in this CD-ROM 
for Mac and Windows. We 
watched 60 minutes of the video 
footoge ond laughed six times. 


Secrets of Stargate: A mediocre 
CD-ROM obout the moking cf a 


mediocre movie. 


Smithsonian's Dinosaur Muse- 
um: The only genuinely prehistoric 
touches on this lame CD ore its 
grophics and animotion. 


Hometime's Weekend Home 
Projects: We like the TV show, but 
this CD-ROM is а snooze. Besides, 
it's $70—2 good do-it-yourself 
book costs you less than holf that. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155. 


17 


When you 
realize those Pm likely 
to succeed, didnt. 


Domes. "White Labor 171394 Schalen £ Somaret Co. NY НҮ Blended Scotch Whisky: 40% ALC/VOL (80 Proc) 


20 


STYLE 


NERD ALERT 


Geek chic ruled the runways this season as menswear design- 
ers knocked the stuffiness out of preppy dressing and had 
some fun. Calvin Klein threw his latest looks together in an ir- 
reverent manner, pairing crisp. tailored suits or khakis pulled 
up to floodwater heights with casual camp shirts such as the 
one pictured here from his CK collection. John Bartlett 
looked to the movies in design- 
ing a sky bluc, green and white 
gingham Gump shirt, while 
West Coast style leader Mo: 
mo turned out boxy plaid shirts 
in cool colors such as chocolate 
brown and powder blue. 
Fifties-style flat-front red-and- 
brown plaid pants and a cotton 
V-neck sweater with horizontal 
stripes by Matthew Bataı 
send a retro message. British 
import Boxfresh offers a chalk- 
tone checked scersucker zip- 
neck overshirt, and newcomer 
"Todd Killian adds his own com- 
fortable touch with a bright-red 
terrycloth short-sleeved cabana 
shirt and a blue cotton tattersall 
shirt with a blue bib front. To be 
a truly hip square these days, 
we recommend that you finish 
off your nerd conversion by slipping on a pair of light-blue, 
taupe and charcoal herringbone plaid canvas sneakers with 
suede cap toes from Vans. 


BIG HOLDUP 


Suspenders have gone casual. Instead of just ac- 
centing black-tie attire and business suits, they're 
now holding their own with looks that are consid- 
erably more laid-back. Atlanta-based designer 
Edgar Pomeroy, for example, caters to duffers 
with his silk suspenders featuring а golf-ball 
print on a shadow-plaid background. For casu- 
al weckend wear, pair pleated khakis with the 
cotton-and-nylon tartan-plaid braces from 
Colours by Alexander Julian. You can also go 
the leather route with Crookhorn Davis” 
brown calfskin suspenders, which are em- 
bossed to look like wicker, or with the vintage 
cowhide style in Joseph Abboud's Ј.О.Е. col- 
lection. Cole-Haan's braces have old-time ap- 
peal: One style features a vintage automobile, 
biplane and steam locomotive in black-and- 
cream silk, and for students of history there's 
an Abraham Lincoln print in silk. 


HOT SHOPPING: SEATTLE 


Fans who are flocking to Seattle for the Final Four basketball 
games on April 1 and 3 should take time out for a shopping 


stop in the cool Capi- 
tol Hill area. Cres- 
cent Downworks 
(1100 E. Pike St) 
Heavy-duty snow- 
boarding threads. € 
Rudy's Barbershop 
and Tattoo Parlor 
(614 E. Pinc St.): 
Hipster haircuts and 
a tattoo artist in back. 
* Righteous Rags 
(506 E. Pine St.): Zip- 
per-fly Levi's and 
cords from the Sev- 
enties, plus ravewear 
and party duds. e 
Vintage Voola (512 
E. Pike St.): Fashions 
and collectibles of 
yesteryear. e Pistil 
Books & News (1013 
E. Pike St) The 
place for alternative 
books, zines and 
comics. * Moe's 
Mo'rocn Cafe (925 
E. Pike St): An 
eclectic rock club. 


CLOTHES LINE 


Chuck Norris, star of the CBS show 
Walker, Texas Ranger, says his TV 
wardrobe "is great because | get to 
wear what | wear in 
real life." This means 
the actor lives and 
works in black Wran- 
gler jeans, dark-col- 
ored Western-style 
shirts and black Justin 
boots. The seven-time 
world karate champ's 
favorite jacket is a 
multicolored wool 
Pendleton. "It has a 
strong look," he says, 
"and it goes well with 
jeans." Formal occa- 
sions call for a custom Western- 
style tux made by Ron Ross of 
Studio City, worn with black patent- 
leather-and-suede boots from 
Rocky Carroll of Houston, who has 
shod plenty of famous feet, includ- 
ing those of George Bush. 


STAR HAIR 


Guys are taking hairstyling cues from Holly- 
wood. "They're coming to the salon with pic- 
tures clipped from magazines," says Gillian 
Shaw, a men's stylist at Vidal Sassoon, New 
York. The most popular celebrity head, says 
Shaw, belongs to Kevin Costner. Light- or 
medium-hold styling products give you the 
control to make the clean-cut style work. For 
daily use, Shaw recommends water-soluble 
products such as Vidal Sassoon's Ultimate 
hair gel. New Western Pleasure Sculpting 
ЈЕ. provides medium hold with а sooth- 
ing citrus scent, while Kiehl's unscented 
Shine 'N Lite Groom combines gentle 
hold with conditioners for dry hair. For a 
royal indulgence, try Geo. Е Trumper 
Floral Cream, an oil-free, light-hold hair- i 
dressing from the London barber who ; 
was court hairdresser to Queen Victoria. : 


5ST YT EF 


RAINCOATS IN 


STYLES 


Just-below-the-knee lengths; single-breasted 
balmacaans; double-breasted military styles 


Ankle or obove-the-knee lengths; body- 
hugging belted trenches 


COLORS 


FABRICS Lightweight nylon; microfil 


Black; chacolate brown; lighter hues such 
оз soft gray and sage green 


repellent cotton and linen 


Contrasting collars and cuffs; bright, 
flashy colors such as red and yellaw 


Heavyweight vinyl; stiff cotton-twill 
or poplin blends 


Where & How to Buy on page 155 


A lot of thinking has gone 
into the making of these shorts. And 
although it kills me to admit it, Mother's 
suggestions were once again brilliant. 


With a double-pleated front and interior 


probably more likely to lose your car 
than your keys. Perfecta Cloth™ 
makes them super fast drying too. 
Perfect for those who enjoy 


life in and out of the drink. 


"IHE GENIUS 


BEHIND OUR SHORTS” 


—Tim Boyle, President, Columbia Sportswear 


brief, Whidbey Shorts" supply plenty of room and 
support. While the adjustable belt makes involuntary 
moon shots a thing of the past. Even when bodysurf- 
ing a place like “The Wedge” in Newport Beach, CA. 
Speaking of watersports, the pockets are 


mesh. And the one in back zips, which means you're 


Whidbey Shorts come in tons of colorsand go 


with just about anything. 
Although wing- 
tips might be out 
of the question. 


-The Whidbey Shorts 


$ Columbia 


Sportswear Company 
6600 N. Baltimore, Portland, OR 97203. For the dealer nearest you in the U.S. and Canada call 1-800-MA BOYLE. 


21 


22 


NELSON GEORGE 


MARY J. BLIGES What's the 411? was а 
street-smart, beautifully written and 
arranged debut that established her as 
the brightest young female star in R&B. 
Blige's highly anticipated sophomore ef- 
fort, My Life (Uptown/MCA), isn’t so sav- 
vy as its predecessor. Instead of offering 
bright, sharply crafted songs, My Life is 
moody and meandering. In keeping 
with hip-hop's most distressing tradi- 
tion, many songs are built around sam- 
ples from earlier R&B records. Bits of 
Rick James, Rose Royce, Guy, Al Green, 
Roy ‘Ayers, Barry White and Curtis 
Mayfield (twice) are featured promi- 
nently. While the material is mostly 
uninspired, Blige herself is in fine voice. 
Her plaintive, weary delivery suggests 
both emotional vulnerability and 
strength. This quality is apparent on the 
album's two best songs, Be Happy and My 
Life. In short, Blige should be better 
than this. 


FAST CUTS: If you want to understand 
the musical roots of multiculturalism, lis- 
ten to War: Anthology 1970-1994 (Avenue). 
For 25 years, this Los Angeles aggrega- 
tion has made a spicy blend of R&B, jazz, 
pop and Latin idioms. War represents a 
passionately funky version of America. 
Spill the Wine (with Eric Burdon), Cisco 
Kid, The World Is a Ghetto, Why Can't We 
Be Friends? and Low Rider are among 
War's hits. 

A Seventies revival is in full swing, 
which is great news for anyone who has 
20-year-old albums. My favorite addi- 
tion to my retro collection is Slow Jams: 
The Seventies Volume 2 (Capitol), 12 selec- 
tions of love songs from the last great era 
of soul music. 

Blue Magic, led by the fragile falsetto 
of Ted Mills, opens the set with Sideshow. 
Among other Philly classics here are 
Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes’ If 
You Don't Know Me By Now, the O'Jays’ 
Brandy, Teddy Pendergrass’ Turn Off the 
Lights, the Delfonics’ Didn't I (Blow Your 
Mind This Time) and Phyllis Hyman cov- 
ering the Spinners’ / Don't Want to Lose 
You. Then, for those who have forgotten 
how good a songwriter Lionel Richie 
used to be, Zoom (a hit he penned for the 
Commodores) is an inspiring reminder. 
But it's Al Green, the greatest soul singer 
of the Seventies, who rounds out the 
album with one of his signature perfor- 
mances, I'm Still in Love With You. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 
One of Germanys most popular 
bands, Die Toten Hosen—the Dead 
"Irousers in translation—pay tribute to 
their roots by covering favorite punk 


Blige is back with My Life. 


Mary is moody, 
Eddie is anxious and 
Tina is boxed. 


songs from the Seventies. Guns n' Roses 
had the same idea in 1993 with The 
Spaghetti Incident? but Ах1 Rose's under- 
standing of punk drew so heavily on its 
dark side that the result was depressing. 
Die Toten Hosen take a more exuberant 
approach on Learning English, Lesson One 
(Atlantic), concentrating on three-chord, 
two-minute anthems and a few guest ap- 
pearances by many of the original artists. 
"This will dispel the widespread miscon- 
ception that the original practitioners of 
punk didn't have any musical ability. 
You'll find yourself snarling and chant- 
ing along with almost all 21 songs. 


FAST CUTS: Garmarna, Vittrad (Omni- 
um/Flying Fish): Stark, droning beauty 
from a Swedish band that is truly folk in 
its lyrical approach to fairy tales. Singer 
Emma Härdelin will —1 promise—knock 
you ош. 

The Celibate Rifles, Speceman in a Satin 
suit (Restless): If you like Green Day, 
check out these Aussies who have been 
punking it up a lot longer. They've lost 
none of their energy as they've gained 
experience, drive, focus and now, may- 
be, fans. 

Steve Hackett, Blues With o Feeling (Car- 
oline): This rock-guitar icon plays Chica- 
go blues, and who could have guessed 
he'd pull it off? There is plenty of 
melody in his guitar smoke, but the harp 
delivers the revelations. Cool production 
tricks indicate Hackett hasn't wholly sub- 
limated his progressive tendencies, but 


who cares, if it sounds good? And I think 
it does. 


VIC GARBARINI 


I should be more excited about Live at 
the Bec (EMI/Capitol). After all, it chron- 
icles the Beatles' live performances for 
BBC radio between 1962 and 1965. 
More than half these tunes were never 
released on Beatles albums. All 56 songs 
have a scrappy immediacy, and prove 
that the band could reproduce its impec- 
cable harmonies live. So what's the prob- 
lem? Despite the raw energy, many cuts 
don't differ that much from the versions 
on early albums. Even so, Paul McCart- 
ney should take a bow for his incandes- 
cent vocals on soul shouters like Hippy 
Hippy Shake and Clarabella. Also, the 
band's legendary rendition of Soldier of 
Love was worth the wait. What made the 
Beatles unique was their ability to absorb 
disparate styles, making them sound 
new. J Feel Fine and Ticket to Ride are 
spine-tingling here, but where are other 
early original masterpieces like She Loves 
You, Please Please Me and their greatest 
cover of all, Twist and Shout? They're 
among the 30-plus BBC recordings not 
included. Why not throw in a third disc 
and give us all the classics? 


FAST CUT: The Ass Ponys, Electric Rock 
Music (A&M): Remember when the Bea- 
Чез seemed like a weird name? The Ass 
Ponys are the latest in a line of alienated 
heartland rockers that includes the bit- 
tersweet pop of the Gin Blossoms and 
the dry cynicism of Pavement. These 
Cincinnati natives’ twangy guitars and 
skewed melodies are marred by their 
bleak lyrics on songs such as Grim. When 
they temper their bleakness, they're one 
of the freshest bands around. 


DAVE MARSH 


Fearl Jam represents the best kind of 
rock band: Exciting high-energy music, 
excellent songwriting and, in Eddie Ved- 
der, a charismatic front man with power- 
ful ideals. Pearl Jam is determined to 
connect with its audience even on the 
most difficult subjects (and not only on 
terms that fans might wish). At the same 
time, there's no denying spottiness and 
self-indulgence on Vitalogy (Epic). For 
every dense combination of punk and 
metal such as Immortality, Nothingman 
and Spin the Black Circle, there's a puff of 
bombast such as Satan's Bed, or a mis- 
fired joke like Stupid Mop. (At least, 1 
hope they're kidding.) 

"The merits of this album far outweigh 
its limitations. The album is uplifted by 
the resilient guitar riffs of Stone Gossard 


and Mike McCready. In fact, you could 
argue that Vitalogy, by struggling so pow- 
erfully with alternative rock's success 
phobia, represents the boldest statement 
the band could make right now. 


FAST CUTS: The Chieftains, The Long 
Black Veil (RCA): Nobody has ever done a 
more beautiful superstar session, largely 
because the ieftains keep to the 
strengths of traditional Irish airs even 
when accompanied by Mick Jagger, 
Sting, Sinéad O'Connor, Tom Jones and 
Van Morrison, among others. 

Dionne Farris, Wild Seed—Wild Flower 
(Columbia): With a mixture of hip-hop 
and blues beats, wailing funk, hard rock 
and R&B vocals—and a healthy sprinkle 
of social comment—former Arrested De- 
velopment member Farris has made a 
debut solo album that can compete with 
anything that band has produced. 

Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band, 
Greatest Hits (Capitol): With typical Seger 
perversity, he picked mostly his least in- 
teresting tracks here. But he frames 
them brilliantly by opening with Roll Me 
Away, a semiflop that might be his best 


song ever, and closing with /n Your Time. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


The re-creation of Tina Turner is one 
of the most audacious projects in the 
annals of celebrity, and the inevitable 
boxed set, Tina Turner, The Collected Record- 
ings: Sixties to Nineties (Capitol), may stand 
as its crowning achievement. 

The project's thesis is that Ike and 
Tina were a prelude. In hindsight, the 
mythic sex queen who resurfaced in 
1984 wasn't "coming back," but finally 
bestoving herself upon us. Only the first 
of these three discs is devoted to pre- 
Eighties music, and it's Ike and Tina's 
most impressive showcase ever assem- 
bled. Ike was an exceptionally astute 
producer before he went to hell. His raw 
sophistication served them well in the 
duo's rock phase, when they were one of 
the few acts to swim against the post-soul 
resegregation of popular mı 

But it's as a self-made woman that 
Tina has triumphed. Even the disc de- 
voted to live tracks, movie music and 
other marginalia is good. It is a celebra- 
tion of a pop career now in its second 
decade. At the age of 56, Tina sounds 
better than ever. 


FAST cuts: And speaking of sex queens, 
Endless Summer: The Best of Donna Summer 
(Mercury) sums up this diva in a single- 
disc hits collection. You knew it all along: 
What she really loves to love is singing. 

1 Like Ike: The Best of Ike Turner (Rhino) 
shows what he could do for male front 
men, from his own compositions to Jack 
ie Brentson's, whose 1951 Rocket "88" is 


often called the first rock-and-roll record 


FAST TRACKS 


OCK METER 


Christgau | Garbarini | George | Marsh | Young 
8 7i i 4 6 
7 7 7 6 7 
Die Toten Hosen 
Learning English 6 7, 6 4 8 
8 8 8 8 7 
9 8 9 7 


YOU SHAKE MY NERVES AND YOU RATTLE 
MY BRAIN DEPARTMENT: Jerry Lee Lewis has 
set up the Great Balls of Fire hotline, 
which offers messages about his life, 
music and future plans. By dialing 
900-988-FirE, devotees can order а 
fan pack that includes his greatest hits 
on CD or cassette, an autographed 
photo and a vial of water from the 
Killers Memphis estate. It's kind of 
like Lourdes without the miracles. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Meat Loaf’s Col- 
laborator, Jim Steinmen, is writing a 
rock musical with Andrew Lloyd Webber 
based on the 1961 film Whistle Doum 
the Wind. . . . We hear that Prince is in- 
terested in doing the soundtrack for 
the movie to be made of Betty Eadie's 
best-seller about a near-death experi- 
ence, Embraced by the Light. . . . Marry 
Connick Jr. resumes his acting career to 
play a serial killer in Copycats, co-star- 
ring Sigourney Weaver and Holly Hun- 
ter. . .. Gary Kemp, formerly of Spandau 
Ballet, has landed an acting role for 
Showtime in Take Out the Beast. Kemp 
starred in the movie The Krays. ... A 
new movie about Boys Town, He Ain't 
, will star Kris Kristofferson, Danny 
and Mickey Rooney, who will play 
Father Flanagan this time around. 

NEWSBREAKS: There will be a new 
Mudhoney CD any day now. . . . Van 
Morrison and Carlos Santona make 
guest appearances on the new John 
Lee Hooker album, Chill Out. . . . urge 
Overkill has gone back into the studio 
to produce its sophomore release 
Geffen and GDC are the first record 
companies to sell products on CD- 
now!, the Internet music store. Gef- 
fen's World Wide Web provides bios, 
graphics and sounds, making it fun to 
shop. . . . Vince Neil's second solo al- 
bum will be out soon and he has de- 
nied all Motley Crue reunion ru- 
mors. .. . Ground was broken in New 
Orleans this past fall for the National 


Black Music Hall of Fame and Muse- 
um.... Both Stevie Wonder and Michael 
Jackson have delayed new releases un- 
til this spring. . . . After the success of 
the BBC Beatles CDs, you can expect 
more "lost" tapes to be found. Also in 
the BBC vault are jam sessions by the 
Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zep- 
in, Genesis and others, plus inter- 
views with Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and 
Jim Morrison. . . . Mark Knopfler guests 
on slide guitarist Sonny Londreth’s 
South of 1-10. The two musicians are 
discussing going out on the road to 
gether after Knopfler's solo LP comes 
out.... An all-star concert celebrating 
Bob Marley's birthday will be telecast 
from Jamaica in May. . . . Bonnie Raitt’s 
first network TV special, which has 
already aired, will be edited and 
reshown by A&E a week before the 
Grammy awards. Some footage will 
be used in March for ABC's first mu- 
sic-oriented after-school special, nar- 
rated by Whoopi Goldberg. . . . The 
Dead have taken time between legs of 
their tour to work on a studio LP 
Look for it this year. Rhino 
Records now has a file in Compu- 
serve's Music Arts forum. Subscribers 
can get details—updated bimonth- 
ly—about Rhino releases. The forum 
is accessible by typing GO MUSICVEN. 
Rhino is also producing online inter- 
views in which subscribers can talk 
with artists. . . . 15 Judge Lance Ito Hol- 
lywood's next star? If the Simpson trial 
isn’t enough publicity, how about this: 
Ito originally ordered Snoop Doggy 
Dogg held for trial on his murder 
charge. . .. Get Wild, a new perfume 
created by Prince's perfumer, was 
named after the song in Ready to Wear. 
Call 800-NEw-FUNK to get some. 
James Brown has been named as the 
headline entertainer for concerts at 
the 1996 Olympic games in Atlanta. 
~ BARBARA NELLIS 


23 


24 


TRAVEL 


THE ART OF THE UPGRADE 


Is first class worth it? Probably not, unless you're an oil ty- 
сооп. Is it worth the effort to scheme to cash in those expiring 
frequent-flier miles? Sure. Our recommendations: Stick to 
long flights and wide-bodies, then use your chits on tied-in 
European and Asian carriers. They take first-class food service 
more seriously than the domestics do—and spend according- 
ly. On Air France, the gastronomic reputation of the nation is 
on the line, so the first-class menu includes such delicacies as 
duckling supreme with mangoes and a pancake of seafood in 
a leek fondue. On Sin- 

gapore Airlines, the ex- 
cellence of the food—a 
terrific mixture of 
Asian and European 
preparations with all 
the caviar you can 
eat—is matched by a 
superb wine list and 
quite possibly the most 
gradous flight atten- 
dants in the Pacific 
skies. Or fly down 
to Rio on Varig, 
perennial winner 

of on-board ser- 
vice awards. If you 
don't have the air 
miles for an up- 
grade, it is possible 

to finesse your way 
into first class, ac- 
cording to Peter 
Greenberg, special 
Correspondent for 
Good Morning Amer- 
ica. Arrive at the 
gate early and “Ье 
understanding of 
the gate agent's 
plight. Speak in a language that indi- 

cates you've flown before. Smile. Ask if there are any open 
seats up front. Then hand over your ticket. Remember, every- 
one else will be begging for an upgrade, but the best way to 
get one is not to ask for it directly. Most important, dress well." 


NIGHT MOVES: LONDON 


Drinks: Christopher's at 18 Wellington Street near Covent 
Garden boasts one of the city's best early-evening bar scenes. 
It's also a hangout for terrific looking female expatriates, The 
hot bar? Julie's on Portland Road (Mick Jagger, Cindy Craw- 
ford and Тот Cruise have been spotted there). The Bar at 
190 Queen's Cate offers great music, sexy women (tight black 
pants and cashmere was the uniform of the night the last time 
we visited) and 16 designer beers. Dinner: Quaglino's at 16 
Bury Street in the heart of London is as close as you can get to 
a Thirties supper club without a 20-piece band. San Lorenzo 
at 22 Beauchamp Place in Knightsbridge is a regular hangout 
for Eric Clapton, Jack Nicholson, Elle Macpherson and Jerry 
Hall. It's pricey but the food's great. Daphne's at 112 Draycott 
Avenue is where Richard Gere and Joan Collins eat (not to- 
gether, we presume). Ask for table six, by the fireplace. The 
newest addition to the late-night scene is the Fifth Floor, an 
elegant restaurant-bar and café atop the Harvey Nichols de- 
partment store (near Harrods) The food is excellent and 
there are gorgeous women everywhere. 


—— — GREAT ESCAPE —— 
THE SOUTH PACIFIC 


The Blue Lagoon was filmed on Turtle Island, a half hour 
by seaplane from Fiji's international airport. But while 
Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins have moved on, 
Turtle Island, with its 
14 two-room cot- 
tage suites and 14 
private beaches, 
remains one of. 
the South Pacific's 
Breat romantic se- 
crets. This couples- 
only resort has a 
no-children policy 
(except during the 
first two weeks in Ju- 
ly and over Christ- 
mas) and a price 
package that includes 
everything from a pri- 
vate beach picnic, 
deep-sea fishing ex- 
cursions and scuba 
diving to internation- 
al cuisine, vintage 
wines and an open 
bar. The cost for a minimum stay of six nights is $5082, 
plus tax, per couple (not including airfare). Additional days 
are about $850 each. Call 800-826-3083 for more info. 


DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT 


Victorinox’ Original Swiss Army Knife just got a little more 
cutting edge. The newest model, the Traveler's Kit (pictured 
here), features a collection of functional implements (multi- 
tooled knife, mini-Maglite, compass-ruler and a magnifying 
glass-thermometer) fitted into a leather pouch (about $90). ® 
The Jet Lag Watch ($49.95) by the Acclimator Time 
Corp. in Newton Highlands, Massachusetts 

smoothes the transition from one time zone to 

another better than a dry martini by automati- f 


cally speeding up or slowing down | 
ә » 


during the course of a trip. (This 
tricky move can minimize the 
psychological effects of jet A 
lag.) It then proceeds from LA 
the current time at your A 
destination. e For d 
boaters, skiers, hikers 
and trekkers there's 
See/Rescue, a 
lightweight, 
tubular lo- 
сапоп- 
mark- 
ing 
de- 
vice 
that emits 
a highly visi- 
ble, colored plastic 
streamer. Pr $25 to 
$50, depen 


Cin, 
7 


From Julius Caesar - ` 
to Lawrence of Arahia,. 
history was shaped : 

hy the warrior's blade! 


Now you can own magnificent re-creations of 
ten spectacular battle knives representing 
great armies of the past. 


"They are the blades of legend. The Dagger of 
В Achilles. The Rapier of Cortez. The Shögun’s 
Tanto. 

Wrought of tempered steel, these are re-creations 
of the most important and distinctive battle knives of 
all time. Combined to form the definitive collection— 
spanning 3,000 years of history. 

Here are sculpted pommels and crossguards. 
Hilts electroplated in sterling silver or 24 karat 
gold. Even unusual shapes—such as the 
diamond-shaped Stiletto of Garibaldi and the 
Cinquedea of Lorenzo de’ Medici, named for 
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The price, $165 for each knife, payable 
in monthly installments. 


Collection shown in hardwood Iramermoasuring epproximetoly 38%" wido. 


SATISFACTION GUARANTEED 


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purchase, you may do so within 30 days 
of your receipt of that purchase for 
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Franklin Center, PA 19091-0001 
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MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


THEY MINT acting awards for the kind of 
performance given by Peter Falk in 
Roommates (Buena Vista). Falk plays a be- 
nign, stubborn Polish immigrant who 
lives to be 107. During the last several 
decades of his life, this baker from Pitts- 
burgh raises his orphaned grandson, 
Michael, sees the lad through medical 
school in Ohio, moves in with him, dis- 
rupts his sex life and generally makes 
waves in the world around him. As the 
adult Michael, D.B. Sweeney manages 
a persuasive mix of deep love and total 
exasperation toward the old man, ech- 
ocd by Julianne Moore as the woman 
Michael finally marries despite his cur- 
mudgeonly grandpa's resistance. This 
poignant family drama written for the 
screen by Max Apple and Stephen Met- 
calfe was inspired by Apple's own grand- 
father. The story lapses into heartwarm- 
ing sudsiness toward the end, yet 
director Peter Yates makes it work and 
then some: All his performers hit their 
marks, while Falk hits the bull’s-eye with 
a dream role that any self-respecting ac- 
tor would grovel for. УУУУ 


. 


Despite chilling outbursts of domestic 
violence, Once Were Warriors (Fine Line) is 
an emotionally rich first feature by direc- 
tor Lee Tamahori. The movie is an ab- 
sorbing and gritty slice of life about a 
Maori family in urban New Zealand. Re- 
na Owen vibrantly plays Beth, the beau- 
tiful, battered wife of a handsome lout 
named Jake (Temuera Morrison) who 
answers any back talk with his fists. 
Beth's desperate efforts to protect her 
five kids while drawing strength from 
her native Maori heritage add conviction 
to a screenplay by Riwia Brown, a wom- 
an who knows her subject. The dark side 
of Warriors is alleviated by the dignity, 
humor and lust for life of its characters, 
depicted throughout with compassion 
and a sassy sense of truth. ¥¥¥ 


“Two guys and a feisty young woman 
sharing an apartment in Glasgow are the 
threesome at risk in Shallow Grave 
(Gramercy), a blackly comic thriller rem- 
iniscent ofthe Coen brothers' 1984 Blood 
Simple. Yt all opens on a light note when 
the trio (Christopher Eccleston, Ewan 
McGregor and Kerry Fox) begins inter- 
views to find a fourth roommate to share 
expenses. Soon after, they decide on 
Hugo, who turns up murdered but 
leaves behind a suitcase full of cash. 
Their decision to bury the body and 
keep the money has dire consequences. 


26 Both the police and violent hoodlums 


Falk and Sweeney vie as Roommates 


Swell family affairs and 
dark deeds in progress from 
Pittsburgh to way down under. 


show up, and the three friends gradual- 
ly turn on onc another in a frenzy of 
greed, guilt and suspicion. Director 
Danny Boyle makes Grave oddly promis- 
ing, even funny at times, though it's not 
for viewers who quail at severed limbs or 
at the sight of some poor fool nailed to 
the floor. YY 


A total of 11 children in two privileged 
families are raised by the nannies in 
Martha 8 Ethel (Sony Classics). Martha is a 
German who came to the United States 
in 1936 and started work for the Joh 
stones some years later. Ethel is à wi 
black woman from South Carolina who 
joined the well-off Ettinger family and 
remains its closest friend. Producer-di- 
rector Jyll Johnstone and co-producer 
Barbara Ettinger, both beneficiaries of 
Martha's and Ethel's stern but loving 
care, interview their former nannies 
along with family members as part of 
an unforgettable cinematic valentine 
Backed by archival footage spanning 
several decades, Martha & Ethel resonates 
with subliminal messages about race, 
snobbery and class distinction. Here's a 
real-life dual portrait glowing with sub- 
stance and charm. YYV'/; 


A hit man for the Mafia-like Russian 
organizatsya and a force to reckon with in 
Brooklyn's Brighton Beach community 


is the pivotal figure in Little Odessa (Fine 
Line). Tim Roth portrays Joshua Shapi- 
ra, the cool killer returned to his home 
turf on a lethal new assignment. Al- 
though rejected by his family (Maximil- 
ian Schell and Vanessa Redgrave arc the 
senior Shapiras), Joshua gets in touch 
with his kid brother (Edward Furlong), 
whose loyalty to his older sibling is sore- 
ly tested by subsequent events. This 
spare and chilling look at the lowlife in 
Brighton Beach is given poetic treat- 
ment by 25-year-old writer-director 
James Gray in a feature debut that's im- 
pressive but numbingly bleak. ¥¥'/2 


Love and loyalty between a permissive 
father and his son (played, respectively, 
by Jack Thompson and Russell Crowe) 
are the essence of The Sum of Us (Samuel 
Goldwyn), adapted from a prize-win- 
ning offBroadway play by David Ste- 
vens. Made in Australia, the movie 
strikes a universal tone. Thompson is the 
widowed father who is so at ease with his 
gay son's lifestyle that he even buddies 
up to a rather puzzled trick the young 
man brings home to bed. Having an ac- 
tor address the movie audience directly 
is a stunt that doesn't work very well, 
and Sum of Us suffers from a self-con- 
scious cuteness every time that happens 
Otherwise, co-directors Geoff Burton 
and Kevin Dowling make a breezy case 
for family togetherness and sexual 
liberation. ¥¥'/2 


The film version of novelist Maeve 
Binchy's Circle of Friends (Savoy) stars 
Chris O'Donnell, the only instantly rec- 
ognizable American actor at hand, and is 
directed with sensitivity by Pat O'Con- 
nor. Set in an Irish town circa 1957, the 
movie spells out the plight of a teenage 
girl named Benny (Minnie Driver) 
whose school friends are atwitter over 
boys, sex and gossip. Benny has eyes on- 
ly for Jack (O'Donnell) until one of her 
circle gets pregnant and names him as 
the father-to-be. How does it all end? 
More or less happily, and throughout 
there's a lilting air of Irishness that 
makes little things matter a lot. ¥¥¥ 


The girl of the moment in Muriel’s Wed- 
ding (Miramax) is a plump perennial 
wallflower from an Australian town with 
the unlikely name of Porpoise Spit. 
Writer-director РЈ. Hogan's daft comedy 
was a crowd-pleasing hit down under 
and won a slew of Aussie Academy 
Awards, including best film. Toni Col- 
lette, named best actress as Muriel, earns 
her accolades with disarming and 


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Uma and John raise Pulp's pulse. 


BRUCE'S 
TEN BEST LIST 


Let Oscar do his thing, as usual. 
Meanwhile, here are our own win- 
ners and losers. 

Forrest Gump: Hanks as America’s 
b.o. champ and top achiever. 

Four Weddings and a Funeral: Hugh 
Grant in a bright Brit comedy. 
Hoop Dreams: Engrossing study of 
two Chicago basketball hopefuls. 
Pulp Fiction: The competition can't 
beat Quentin Tarantino's witty, 
definitive, irresistible gangsta rap. 
Quiz Show: The TV scandals 
brought back in style by Redford. 
Ready to Wear: Naysayers, stuff it. 
Altman's far-out fashion statement 
gives haute couture a hotfoot. 

The Ref: Comedy sleeper about a 
harricd burglar and his hostages 
ought to become an Xmas classic. 
The Shawshank Redemption: Robbins 
and Freeman shine behind bars. 
Sirens: Nude models help an up- 
tight British couple to hang loose. 
Speed: Action drama as good as it 
gets—with Keanu Reeves in fast 
company on a booby-trapped bus. 


AND THE TEN WORST 


Bad Girls: Women out West, sad- 
dled with a dull scenario. 

City Slickers II: Even Crystal's magic 
can't salvage this sorry sequel. 
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues: The book 
was fun, but the film is pure bull. 
The Flintstones: A Stone Age cartoon 
with rocks in its head. 

1 Love Trouble: Roberts, Nolte and 
more apathy than chemistry. 
Radioland Murders: Stale spoof stars 
television's Brian Benben, mug- 
ging fiercely to no avai 
The Shadow: Miscasting Alec Bald- 
win puts a good actor in the shade. 
A Simple Twist of Fate: The fickle 
finger foils Steve Martin, getting 
serious as an orphaned waif ’s dad. 
The Specialist: Sharon and Sly to- 
gethcr—undressed and undone. 
Trial by Jury: Hurt tops stars 
who are dimmed in big-name 
courtroom trash. 


unstoppable ebullience. A devoted fan of 
Abba dance records, Muriel is an also- 
ran who won't take no for an answer de- 
spite being ostracized, even ridiculed, by 
a clique of bitchy chums. Determined to 
make her girlish dreams of love and 
marriage come true, she steals cash from 
her dad for a carefree holiday, moves to 
Sydney, goes around to bridal shops pre- 
tending she is altar-bound and finally 
manages to snare a groom. It's a pathet- 
ic marriage of convenience, which turns 
out to be a milestone on the heroine's 
bumpy road to self-esteem. Viewed from 
here, Muriel's Wedding is a weird but win- 
ning portrait of a loser. YYY 


Bulletproof Heart (Keystone Pictures) 
stars Anthony LaPaglia as an icy profes- 
sional hit man on an assignment that 
makes him lose his cool. His job is to kill 
a beautiful woman named Fiona (Mimi 
Rogers), who evidently wants to die— 
she owes a lot of money she can't pay 
back and also suffers from one of those 
nameless incurable ailments that seldom 
occur except in movie plots. Peter Boyle 
plays the gang boss who orders the hit. 
Fledgling director Mark Malone bol- 
stered this minor suspense drama by as- 
sembling a cast loaded with class and 
conviction. Rogers and LaPaglia, in par- 
ticular, bring a humorous edge to Bullet- 
proof that makes their joint venture into 
film noir something of a stylish slum- 
ming expedition. YY 


The question posed by Nina Takes a 
Lover (Triumph/Sony) might be: Can this 
romance be saved? In the title role as a 
San Francisco shoe-store owner with a 
troubled marriage, Laura San Giacomo 
considers having an affair to rekindle 
her passion while her husband is away. A 
kittenish would-be adulteress, she meets 
a handsome Welshman (Paul Rhys) and 
lets herself go. Writer-director Alan Ja- 
cobs pushes the cuteness quotient at 
times, and the tricky ending cheats a 
bit—but mostly his buoyant romantic 
comedy stays afloat. ¥¥'/2 


Atom Egoyan's offbeat Exotica (Mira- 
max) features a tax auditor (Bruce 
Greenwood) whose fantasy world spins 
around a nightclub, the Exotica. There 
he tries to forget his long-lost daughter 
while her former babysitter, Christina 
(Mia Kirshner), does a strip act that pro- 
ceeds from her entrance as a prim 
schoolgirl. Presumably an exploration of 
the dark side of human desire, Exotica 
has more sex appeal than common 
sense. Go figure. As we know from his 
other efforts, Egoyan's movies are de- 
signed to be enticing, not easy. YY 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Before Sunrise (Reviewed 3/95) In old 
Vienna, young love blooms. — YYY/; 
Bulletproof Heart (Sce review) Hit man 
LaPaglia gets moonstruck over his 


mark, Mimi Rogers. E 
Circle of Friends (Scc review) Irish eyes 
making strong connections. yvy 


Death and the Maiden (3/95) Powerful 
stuff from Polanski, with Sigourney 
Weaver as a victim striking back. ¥¥'/2 
Exotica (See review) It's a club where 
strippers show and weirdos tell. YY 
Heavenly Creatures (1/95) Girls will be 
girls—and sometimes killers. ¥¥¥/2 
Legends of the Fall (3/05) Hopkins, Pitt 
and Quinn head the star-studded cast. 
of a corny family saga. wy 
Little Odessa (See review) Russian 
gangsters at large in Brooklyn. УҰ/2 
The Madness of King George (3/05) Olde 
English royals acting up, as usual. ¥¥¥ 
А Man of No Importance (2/95) Albert 
Finney does a stylish walk on the 
Wilde side. yv 
Martha & Ethel (See review) Vibrant 
and moving close-up of two real-life 
nannies. WI) 
Miami Rhapsody (2/95) Fun and games 
involving family-wide infidelity. УУУ 
Murder in the First (3/95) Alcatraz ex- 
posed by a crusading lawyer. — УУУУ; 
Muriel’s Wedding (See review) The girl 
just aches to get married. Wy 
Nell (3/95) Jodie's stint saves it. ¥¥'/2 
Nina Takes a Lover (See review) How a 
young wife keeps life exciting. ¥¥/ 
Nobody's Fool (2/95) Paul Newman 
makes an ambition-free curmudgeon 
look like Mr. Right. yyy 
Once Were Warriors (See review) Maori 
survivors in New Zealand slums. УЎУ 
Queen Margot (3/95) Wicked French 
history beautified by Adj E 
Roommates (Sce review) Stunning star 
turn by Falk in serious makeup as a 
crusty grandpa. УУУУ 
Safe Passage (Listed only) Family 
sweats out bad news about one of 
their boys in uniform. Y^ 
Sex, Drugs & Democracy (3/95) Dutch 
treats for sale in Amsterdam. — Yy/; 
S.EW. (11/94) Fifteen minutes of fame 
for a couple of teenage hostages. ¥¥¥ 
Shallow Grave (See review) Friends fall 
out over ill-gotten gains. E 
Strawberry and Chocolate (3/95) Gay 
and straight in today's Havana. ¥¥¥ 
The Sum of Us (See review) Dad goes 
easy on his homosexual son. — Wy; 
Vanya on 42nd Street (2/95) Chekhov in 
rehearsal, smashingly played from a 
terrific script by David Mamet. УУУУ: 


YY Worth a look 
¥ Forget it 


¥¥¥¥ Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


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VIDEO 


GUEST SHOT 


Is Kelsey Grammer's 
taste in videos as 
recherché as Dr. 
Frasier Crane's? Per- 
haps. "My all-time fa- 
vorite film is To Kill 
a Mockingbird,” he 
says, "but Frasier 
would undoubtedly 
pick something more austere, like Ingmar 
Bergman's Persona.” The Juilliard alum 
has a predictable penchant for the heady 
and serious: “I love Fearless (with Jeff 
Bridges and Rosie Perez), not only for its 
acting and direction, but also for its com- 
pelling subject matter.” Grammer also has 
a rugged side. “I've seen all of John 
Wayne's stuff. It was greet—he was 
great." Who ranks as Dr. Crane's favorite 
on-screen shrink? “I can think of only one,” 
he says. “Streisand in Prince of Tides?” 
Maybe it was those legs. ИННА COE 


VIDEO SWING SET 


Give Smashing Pumpkins and Snoop 
Doggy Dogg a rest. Swing, Swing, Swing!: 
Classic Big Band and Jazz Shorts from the “30s 
and “40s is the first entry in МСМ/ОАѕ 
long-awaited series, Cavalcade of Vita- 
phone Shoris. Hip precursors to today's 
music vids, these are the movie theater 
minifeatures that let the 78-rpm-buying 
public see their favorite radio music 
makers in action. Suing! stars the late 
hi-de-ho man, Cab Calloway, as well as 
the bop-along orchestras of Artie Shaw, 
Ozzie Nelson (sans Harriet) and Cuban 
caballero Desi Arnaz, years before he be- 
came Ricky Ricardo. The two-tape set re- 
plays almost three hours of blasts from 
the past; the five-disc version has loads 
morc licks—nearly nine hours in all. 


SMITHEE FILMFEST 


You thought Ed Wood was a bad direc- 
tor? Check out the dogs of Alan 
Smithee—that's the pseudonym used by 
filmmakers so bummed by their flick's 
final cut that they yank their own credit. 
Some of Smithee's best, uh, worst: 
Death of a Gunfighter (1969): Richard Wid- 
mark and Lena Horne shoot blanks in 
this talkative Western. Smithee's debut. 
City in Fear (1980): Newspaperman David 
Janssen has an avid fan—a serial killer— 
in this made-for-TV turkey. Look for a 
young Mickey Rourke. 

Dune (1984): Smithee got the credit for 
the improved TV cut of the awful screen 
version of Frank Herbert's space-worm 
story. The real director: David Lynch. 


30 Stitches (1985): The humor is strictly bed- 


pan-level in this medical school comedy 
starring Parker Stevenson. D.O.A. 
Let's Get Harry (1986): A Midwest 
plumber is held hostage in a South 
American jungle. To the rescue: Robert 
Duvall, who still can't savc thc film. 
Morgan Stewart's Coming Home (1987): 
Boarding school teen tries to change his 
parents. Lynn Redgrave and Jon Cryer 
drown in the mess. 
Ghost Fever (1987): Sherman Hemsley isa 
cop tangling with spirits in a possessed 
mansion. Not just stupid—tasteless, too. 
Shrimp on the Barbie (1990): OK, let's get 
this right: Cheech Marin goes down un- 
der and pretends to be Emma Samms' 
fiancé? Yikes. 
The Birds И: Land’s End (1994): Guano. 
—BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


Discophiles have a lot to learn, thanks to 
six laser lessons from Lumivision (800- 
776-Lum1): It's torch and run in the Os- 
car-nominated Fires of Kuwait ($39.95), a 
real-life scorcher that tracks the blazing 
mess left behind when Saddam's thugs 
ignited more than 600 gulfside oil wells 
(firefighting teams from ten nations 
came to the rescue). Walter Cronkite 
separates myth from mammoth in Di- 
nosaur! ($69.95), a four-part history of 
the prehistoric pests that became Spiel- 
berg's leading lizards. For death styles of 
the rich and famous, A&E's spectacular 
documentary King Tut: The Face of Tut- 
ankhamen (two discs; $69.95) gives the 
lowdown on the mother of all mum- 


mies—from ancient Egypt to Steve 
Martin's rap-song send-up—in a capti- 
vating three-and-a-half-hour tour. Space 
cadets will get a blast out of Hail Columbia! 
($39.95), the complete scuttle on the 
shuttle, whose maiden voyage in 1981 


VIDEO COLLECTION 
OF THE MONTH 

All hail The Art of Buster Keaton, a crisply 

remastered collection of silent classics 

starring Charlie Chaplin's nearest rival 

(some say his 

superior). An 

unsentimental, 

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Keatons stone 

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taking physical comedy are celebrated in 

three boxed sets, which include the bril- 

liant Sherlock Jr., The General and The 

Electric House—altogether 11 features 

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BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


launched NASA into a new era of space 
exploration. No surprise ending in 
AKE's epic look at the Titanic ($79.95); 
sure, everything sinks, but the 200- 
minute laser ride is still a white-knuckler. 
If you liked Keanu Reeves’ Speed, try the 
Imax documentary Speed ($34.95) as it 
clocks man in some serious motion. 

— DAVID STINE 


The Shawshank Redemption (convicted banker Robbins and 


savvy con Freeman grow old behind bars. 


vid and oddly 


upbeat), Quiz Show (Redford's riveting spin on the Fifties TV 


scondol; Fiennes and Turturro score as the рі 


wns). 


globe for perfect parents; Reiner’s family fable is made far the 
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34 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


ERNEST HEMINGWAY referred. to George 
Plimpton's amateur excursions into pro- 
fessional sports as “the dark side of the 
moon of Walter Mitty.” Perhaps that 
overstates the case, but Plimpton has 
done what every sports fan would love to 
do: He has played with the pros and 
lived to tell about it. 

In The X Factor (W.W. Norton), the edi- 
tor of the Paris Review reports on a dif- 
ferent sort of sports encounter—playing 
horseshoes with president-elect George 
Bush one weck before his inauguration. 
Although he has not played in 30 years, 
Plimpton is one point from winning the 
game when Bush throws a ringer to 
claim victory. As they part, Bush propos- 
es a rematch at the White House. 

Plimpton suffers this defeat inordi- 
nately and broods about the rematch. 
He decides he must discover the quality 
that puts consistent winners over the 
top. “It is a quality that goes by many 
aliases: competitive spirit, the will to win, 
giving it 110 percent, the hidden spark, 
Celtic green, Yankee pinstripes, guts, the 
killer instinct, élan vital, having the bitin 
one's teeth and so on." His pursuit of 
“the X factor” takes him from locker 
rooms to boardrooms. Bill Curry, the 
University of Kentucky football coach, 
tells Plimpton that the secret is focus. A 
dinner party companion insists that 
every great athlete is motivated by con- 
trolled rage. Henry Kravis, who engi- 
neered the $25 billion RJR Nabisco 
takeover, says winning is an inherent 
competitive urge. Billie Jean King tells 
him that the X factor is total concentra- 
tion on the moment. 

Armed with a year's worth of research 
and inspirational bromides, Plimpton 
arrives for the rematch and is trounced 
three games in a row. When asked for his 
ideas about the X factor Bush talks 
about sportsmanship, confidence, con- 
centration, fundamentals, adrenaline 
and maturity. He adds, “It all goes back 
to what your mother taught you: Do 
your best, try your hardest" On that 
note, Plimptor's urbane little volume 
fizzles out. 

When a terrorist bomb explodes be- 
neath the aircraft carrier HMS Mount- 
batten at the Royal Navy base in Ports- 
mouth, England, Richard Marcinko and 
his crew of ex-Navy SEALs swing into 
action again. The fast-moving plot, the- 
saurus-busting obscenities and scenes of 
murder and mayhem in Green Team 
(Pocket), by Marcinko and John Weis- 
man, combine to push it a couple of bru- 
tal notches above the authors’ two pre- 
vious best-sellers—Rogue Warrior and 
Rogue Warrior Il: Red Cell. 

In this new thriller, Marcinko forms 


Plimpton's latest quest: The X Factor. 


Two famous Georges play horse- 
shoes; the posthumous autobiog- 
raphy of a legendary dealmaker. 


Green Team, a counterterrorism unit 
that fights fast, hard and dirty against 
a new breed of bad guys who are 
equipped with lethal weaponry and mo- 
tivated by religious fundamentalism. 
Marcinko discovers that the American 
admiral and the British admiral of the 
fleet who were killed in the bombing 
were tracking a new form of transnation- 
al Islamic-based terrorism. emanating 
from Afghanistan. Their deaths arc the 
first step in an international jihad fi- 
nanced by Afghanistan's flourishing opi- 
um business—that is, until Green Team 
opens fire. 

Marcinko and Weisman know military 
technology and government jargon so 
well that their novels require a glossary 
to decode such acronyms as CINCUS- 
NAVEUR (Commander in Chief, U.S. 
Naval Forces, Europe). What makes 
their books work so well, however, is that 
along with the outrageous macho vio- 
lence and vivid scenes of mass destruc- 
tion, the authors have an intellectual vi- 
sion of warfare and counterterrorism. 
Marcinko wages war on both the terror- 
ists and their philosophy. 

Irving "Swifty" Lazar was best known 
as the host of an annual Academy 
Awards party that was a tougher ticket 
than the Oscar ceremonies themselves. 
Swifty was also “a dealmaker extraordi- 
naire,” to borrow novelist Michael Kor- 
da's phrase. He represented clients such 
as Humphrey Bogart, Larry McMurtry 
and Richard Nixon with equal measures 


of dramatic flair and chutzpah. He was a 
brilliant raconteur whose posthumous 
autobiography (with Annette Tapert), 
Swifty: My Life and Good Times (Simon & 
Schuster), is filled with tales, celebrity 
cameos and showbiz capers. 

Lazar's book is almost nonstop anec- 
dotes. Bogart nicknamed him "Swifty" 
when, on a bet, he made three movie 
deals for the actor with three different 
studios in 24 hours. His friend Frank 
Sinatra used to play elaborate practical 
jokes on him. Knowing how meticulous 
Swifty was about his clothing, Sinatra 
arranged to have a brick wall built in his 
closet. Lazar and Howard Hughes were 
once trapped together in a men's room 
in Las Vegas, not because of any mal- 
function but because there were no pa- 
per towels left. Both of them were so 
phobic about germs that they wouldn't 
touch the handle to open the door. 

In addition to his circle of celebrity 
pals, Swifty was famous for two things: 
making deals for clients he didn't repre- 
sent and not reading the material he 
sold to Hollywood. He admits to being 
guilty of both charges. He claims that he 
could get more moncy for those clients 
than their own agents could get and that 
illiteracy is a way of life in Hollywood. 


BOOK BAG 


Original Sin (Knopf), by PD. James: 
The reigning grande dame of British 
mysteries has experimented with the 
genre in recent books, but this tale of a 
murdered publishing magnate demon- 
strates that she is still the form's master. 

You Send Me: From Gospel to Pop, The Life 
end Times of Sam Cooke (Morrow), by 
Daniel Wolff: Wolff collaborated with the 
Soul Stirrers' founder, S.R. Crain; Sam 
Cooke's guitarist and bandleader, 
ton White; and musical researcher G. D: 
vid Tenenbaum on the first biography of 
the man who invented soul. 

The Nearest Faraway Place: Brian Wilson 
end the Beach Boys (Henry Holt), by Tim- 
othy White: From the editor in chief of 
Billboard magazine, a totally cool look at 
the seminal California surfing band and 
the culture that produced it. 

Koith: Standing in the Shadows (St. Mar- 
tin’s Press), by Stanley Booth: The au- 
thor of Rythm Oil and The True Adventures 
of the Rolling Stones calls upon his 25-year 
association with Rolling Stones lead gui- 
tarist Keith Richards for a close-up look 
at the hard-driving, passionate musician 
who was once a choirboy and a convict 

USA Sports Ski Atlas (Gousha), edited by 
Balliett & Fitzgerald and the USA Today 
sports staff: This complete guide to Al- 
pine апа Nordic ski areas in the U.S. 
and Canada featurcs full-color maps and 
detailed resort listings. 


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35 


MEN 


L ee Alan Dugatkin of the Uni- 
versity of Missouri and Robert 
Craig Sargent of the University of Ken- 
tucky have just published the results of 
their study of the mating habits of male 
guppies in a weighty journal called Be- 
havioral Ecology and Sociobiology. Afer 
reading about their work, I’m not sure I 
can trust my male friends anymore. 

Biologists often ask important ques- 
tions. Why are the males of most species 
so competitive with one another during 
courtship rituals? What kinds of gestures 
do females make to attract one potential 
mate and reject another? Most biologists 
ask these questions because they are sin- 
cere scholars who want to crack the se- 
crets of the sexual universe. 

Dugatkin and Sargent observed some 
surprisingly sophisticated behavior in 
the male guppies in their laboratory. 
"The two scientists set up a fish tank with 
invisible, movable partitions. Then they 
let a male and a female guppy swim in 
that tank while another male guppy 
watched from another tank. Sometimes 
the partitions allowed the male and fe- 
male in the first tank to swim close to- 
gether (in guppies as in humans, close- 
ness usually indicates intimacy and 
favoritism). Sometimes the researchers 
kept the partitions farther apart so it ap- 
peared that the female was not interest- 
ed in the male. 

The bottom line of the experiment? 
The guppy voyeur, when introduced to 
the first tank, usually chose to swim next 
to the seemingly less attractive, less fa- 
vored male guppies. He stayed away 
from the more successful Romeos 
"That's right, guppy fans: When given a 
choice to swim beside a male loser at love 
or a male winner, the third male chose 
the loser. In 24 of 30 independent trials 
with 30 different sets of guppies, the 
guppy voyeur swam over to the sup- 
posed loser and stayed as close to him as 
if they had been best buddies for life. 

This news, of course, sent a chill down 
my spine. I looked in the mirror at my 
guppy-like face and guppy-like body 
and asked a painful question: Are the 
guys in my life who seem to be my 
friends actually not my friends? Are they 
only using me to make themselves look 
good? 1 had to find the answer to this 
question. 

First, I went to my Men column editor, 


зв Jonathan Black. “Jonathan,” I asked, “I 


By ASA BABER 


GUPPIES 
& GUYS 


know we have a professional relation- 
ship, but aren't we good friends as well?" 

Jonathan looked at me guardedly. 
“How do you define ‘friend’?” he asked. 

"Somebody you enjoy being with," I 
said. “1 mean, you drop by my cubicle to 
talk. Sometimes we go to lunch. You 
even invited me to a party at your house. 
You enjoy my company, right?" 

“I enjoy your company, Ace," Jon- 
athan said, "because I'm younger and 
thinner than you are. I'm also smarter 
and more diplomatic. And we all know 1 
dress a hell of a lot better than you do. 
Besides, you're the Men columnist. That 
fact alone pisses off some women. Next 
to you, I look much better than if ] sit in 
my office alone." Jonathan put a hand 
on my shoulder. "You're a great guy to 
have around, Ace," he said. 

"Thanks a lot," I said. I was already 
truly discouraged. Maybe men are just 
like guppies. Maybe every strategy we 
use involves looking better than the oth- 
er guy. Maybe, because of our competi- 
tive hearts and minds, we cannot be true 
friends with one another. 

I went over to my health club and 
checked out this theory with my good 
buddy Charley. "Charley," I asked, "are 
we good friends?" 

"Absolutely, Ace," Charley said. "You 
want to go lift some weights?" 


"I'm a little tired right now, Charley," 
I said. 

“Come on, old man, 1 need you. 
There are some great leotards on the ex- 
ercise bikes. I want to show off, and next 
to you, I look really good on the bench 
presses and curls." 

I was stunned. "Charley," I asked, "is 
that all that our friendship is based on?" 

"Not necessarily," he sai You make 
me look good on the treadmill, too. Just 
the other day this super wench asked me 
if you were my father. Hey, I'm no 
spring chicken, but next to you I look 
like a teenager. You don't know what 
that does for a horny guy like me. You're 
invaluable, Ace.” 

This talk gave me an idea, so next 1 
checked with my sons. “Hey, guys,” I said, 
“let me ask you a question: I know I'm 
your father, but am I not also your 
friend?” 

“How do you define "friend?" Jim 
asked carefully. 

“Yeah, Dad, how do you define 
*friend”?” Brendan asked, looking side- 
ways at Jim. 

“You know,” I said, “a buddy, a regu- 
lar guy who makes your life easier be- 
cause you enjoy being with him.” 

“Well, Dad,” Jim said, “you do make 
life a lot easier for us.” 

“That's right, Dad," Brendan said. 

"Because I'm full of wisdom and as a 
role model I've retained a youthful ap- 
proach to life and you're proud to be 
seen with me?" I asked. 

"Not exactly, Dad," Brendan said. “We 
hang with you because we look great by 
comparison. We know more about com- 
puters and music and culture——" 

"And we're younger and talk more in- 
telligently and have more social grace," 
said Jim. 

"So the truth is, Pops," said Brendan, 
“as long as you're around, we can usual- 
ly get dates. It’s a lot tougher out there 
when it's just us young guys alone.” 

I've been told that guppies come from 
Trinidad, and I plan to go down there 
soon. They say guppies swim in schools 
of 15 to 100 fish, and I guess ГИ join 
them. Because I view it like this: If I 
hang out with a bunch of guppies in the 
ocean, won't I look better by comparison 
to any woman who happens to swim by? 
Come to think of it, I'm not sure I want 
an answer to that question. 


WOMEN 


ermit me to introduce myself. 
My name has inexplicably become 
Cassandra. 

My thick black lashes frame eyes the 
color of the skies in springtime. My com- 
plexion is creamy white, and Í have 
flushed cheeks, гозу lips, small white 
perfect teeth. My tiny waist can fit within 
a circle made by a pair of large, rugged, 
manly hands. | have glorious raven- 
black hair, which I wear piled on top of 
my head. My breasts are high, large and 
handsome. My legs are long, my feet 
dainty. Did 1 happen to mention that I 
am a 19-year-old virgin? 

OK, I may be having a little trouble 
with the 19-year-old-virgin stuff, but 
what the hell, I'll go with it for one im- 
portant reason: 

Men want me. Badly. Short and tall 
men, ancient lascivious toads and pim- 
pled squeaking youths all stutter to 
stunned silence when 1 waft into a room. 
Rich guys and royalty lay their hearts 
and plenty of diamonds at my beautiful- 
ly shod feet. 

Me? Diamonds? Rich guys and royal- 
ty? Cool. 

Yes, I have been reading romance 
novels. Identifying with the heroines. 
Irsa tough job, but someone has to do it. 

I used to think that only, well, trashy 
women read romances. I see them all the 
time in airports and subways. They're al- 
ways wearing housedresses or polyester 
, or, if they're really fat, white 
ings and an undersized T-shirt. 
They're reading these books with torrid, 
florid, unbelievably ugly covers featur- 
ing Barbies getting their dresses ripped 
apart by savage Kens. These women al- 
ways have slack jaws and glazed eyes and 
look like they're bingeing on mental 
Oreos. Sometimes they drool. 

Whereas suited women and trendy 
green-haired girls are always reading 
Plato or something. Over the years, I've 
questioned many women, and they've all 
denied any familiarity whatsoever with 
romance novels. Tacky and stupid, 
they've said. Nice girls don't read ro- 
mances, they've said. 

Turns out I'm a dope. All the book- 
stores in my neighborhood have bigger 
and bigger romance sections, so I finally 
bought a copy. Jesus. They're masturba- 
tion books! They are teeming with the 
hottest sex that can be described using 
incredibly clichéd euphemisms. Like this 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


NICE GIRLS DON” 
READ ROMANCES 


passage from a novel by Sandra Brown, 
current darling of the booksellers: 


Emboldened by his impassioned 
plea, she stroked and caressed until 
she found the smooth spearhead lu- 
bricated with the precious nectar of 
his desire. . . . His fingers found her 
feminine threshold moist and pli- 
ant and trembling. She tightened 
around his fingers like warm closing 
petals as they entered that haven. 


And then they do it. After tons of suck- 
ing on her nipples in worshipful frenzy. 
he delves into her and fills her complete- 
ly and they meet on this entirely new 
plane of awareness! 

This book was really stupid and I hat- 
ed it. It left me utterly cold and blasé. 

OK, I'm lying. Every sex scene was 
built up so slowly, with such excruciating 
attention to detail—exactly how the nip- 
ples were sucked and caressed, the tex- 
ture of the skin, a plateau-by-plateau de- 
scription of the orgasms, the rhythm 
of the thrusts—that I got into it. Just a 
little. 

Т decided to tell all the women I know. 
They knew already. They just wouldn't 
admit it until I did. 

“Oh, yeah, they're definitely a turn- 
on, though you feel kind of icky and stu- 
pid afterward,” said Rita. 


“What are you going to do when you 
run out of fantasies?” asked Cleo. “Go to 
the video store?” 

Of course you're not. Even if you're 
not afraid of video store clerks who give 
you the hairy eyeball, porn videos cater 
to men's fantasies. Porn movies made for 
women are beyond dull they never get 
itright. The closest thing to female porn 
is A Room With a View, that Merchant- 
Ivory period drama in which the hero is 
so besotted with the heroine that we 
think he may die without her. 

Studying these conflicting fantasies, 
its easy to understand why men and 
women have a tough time getting along 


. well enough to get laid. 


Women's romance pornography (yes, 


$ that's what it is) is incredibly involved, 


with nice houses and costumes. The man 
must have valor, passion, social standing, 
rock-hard morality. And he must be so 
unbelievably obsessed with the woman 
that he's almost insane. Just the touch of 
the tip of her tiny finger throws him into 
uncontrollable fits. But he is honorable 
and suffers his lust stoically. He has a 
great body. He wears cool clothes. He re- 
ally wants to take her out dancing and 
stuff. He adores going down on her and 
can always make her come. 

“Yep, that about covers it,” said Cleo. 
“Although to me, social standing means 
anybody who can play blues guitar.” 

In men’s pornography the woman 
must be young and preferably naked. 
She must have incredible tits, and she 
must beg for it. She loves to blow him 
and really wants to bring another wom- 
an or two or even three along for the 
ride. She doesn't care for a second if she 
never sees him again, doesn't care about 
fancy restaurants or jewelry or anything 
but his big hard cock. And she always 
thinks he's big. 

It's a good idea if we know about each 
other's fantasies and if we let each other 
have them without whining. As long 
as we don't expect those fantasies to 
come true. Compared with men's fan- 
tasies, 1 am one of those women on the 
subways I've been sneering at 

I won't be sneering at them anymore. 
Now I understand. These women don't 
give a damn what they look like to me. 
They're immersed in a world where they 
are tender young maidens with raven- 


black hair and beautiful shoes. 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


sts, especially her areolae and 
her nipples. She gets the thrill of being 
: I enjoy letting others see her 
provocative personality. We have experi 
mented with a variety of techniques, 
from her wearing see-through lace 
camisoles, minimal-cup bras or sheer 
blouses to the seemingly accidental open- 
ing of a blazer or the plunge of an off- 
the-shoulder sweater. Unfortunately, she 
has pale areolae that sometimes can't be 
seen through even the sheerest materi- 
al. Often she has worn an athletic top 
pulled down so the edge of the fabric is 
riding on the ends cf her nipples and 
a good third of each areola is exposed 
above the top, only to go unnoticed. Is 
there a way to temporarily darken her 
areolae to draw more attention to them 
without irritating her skin or staining 
fabrics?— S. ., Fort Collins, Colorado. 

You have just put every man їп Fort 
Collins on alert. If they still need a breast to 
slap them in the head before they notice it, 
enhance the center of the target with a gen- 
erous application of a water-soluble rouge. If 
that doesn't turn heads, go for the gold: Tat- 
too an arrow on her clavicle. 


Bm a 31-year-old man who began to 
lose my hair at 17. About a year ago, 1 
gave up and shaved my head. My р 
friend says Гуе never looked sexier. 
Once a week she lovingly shaves and ca- 
resses my pate and applies a little baby 
oil. With that done, we make love. While 
our sex life during the rest of the week is 
remarkable in its own way, nothing com- 
pares to "shaving day” Try as we might, 
however, we can't seem to get my head 
completely smooth. There's always a lit- 
tle fuzz or nicks. How can we get a close 
shave?—C.M., Billings, Montana. 

You don't say whether you're using a blade 
or an electric shaver, bul the latter will near- 
ly always leave a 12 o'clock shadow. And you 
should probably expect nicks if your girl- 
friend is handling the razor while anticipat- 
ing a big payoff. She may be a tad impatient. 
During the first few weeks of shearing your 
head, apply a warm towel and petroleum jel- 
ly before lathering up. This will help soften 
the skin. After a few months, you should be 
able to graduate to a straight razor, which 
one bald, distinguished colleague says makes 
his morning ritual as easy as “combing off 
your hair. 


М, girlfriend and I have an adventur- 
ous sex life. We've done most of the po- 
ions, used many of the toys and once 
invited her best friend to join us. But 
we've run into an obstacle: sex in public. 
We had the perfect opportunity to join 
the mile-high dub on a nearly empty 


flight. We figured if we put up the arm- 
used a blanket to cover 'ecined 
and put her on top with her back to me, 
we'd have it made. But she couldr't get 
wet. The same thing happened in a 
broom closet at a mall. We want to screw 
in elevators, on beaches, on park bench- 
es. We even tried it on top ofa high-rise 
in San Francisco. How can I get her wet 
fast? She doesn't like synthetic lub 
cants, and Гуе tried kissing her and us- 
ing my fingers through her clothes be- 
forehand, but no go. Are there any 
buttons that I’m missing or any vitamins 
she can take to get her going outside 
of the bedroom?—H.S., Sacramento, 
California. 

While making love in public can be arous- 
ing because of ils danger, it can also cause 
the dry-mouth reaction known as fear. Per- 
haps your girlfriend is concerned that your 
encounters will end in embarrassment, 
thereby overpowering her instinct to play the 
adventuress. The trick is to draw her atten- 
tion to what you're doing rather than where 
you're doing й. To that end, don't always 
push for intercourse. Instead, finger her in 
the foyer, caress her in the carport, lick her in 
the lavatory. That will make it easier to jump 
back into place should a curious bystander 
peek around the corner. Or make love where 
she feels more at home, such as on her bal- 
cony. Still no luck? Give lubricants a try 
(why do you think petroleum jelly comes in 
those little tubes?). If you overcome her re 
tance once or twice, you probably won't need 
help the third time. 


ast month, we rented one of those for- 
lovers-only suites, complete with a hot 
tub. It didn't take us long to realize that 
sex in a hot tub is unbelievable! We had 


ILLUSTRATION BY BLAIR DRAWSON 


only one problem: The condom we used 
broke, and we ended up using nothing. 
We've both since decided that that’s not 
the answer, but I'm wary of using sper- 
micidal foams and gels, because they 
may get watered down or wash out en- 
tirely. Any suggestions?—B.F., Phoenix, 
Arizona. 

The heat from the water could diminish 
the strength of the latex after five or ten min- 
utes. But the more immediate danger is that 
the lubricant will wash off. The condom may 
be more likely to break or slip off as a result. 
If you're determined to fuck underwater, 
haw your lover use a diaphragm, give your 
condom a double dose of lubricant (inside 
and outside) and kecp a close eye on your 
erection to make sure you're not sailing solo. 
If you're easily distracted, slip out of the wa- 
ter when it’s tine to slip into the condom. 
The tub will feel that much better after 
you've finished your lovemaking. 


V want to expand into multimedia 
Friends say I should go for the best 
sound possible. Can 1 use the speakers 
from my stereo with my computer?— 
J-P, Atlanta, Georgia. 

Not unless you want to fry your floppies or 
distort your color monitor. Most stereo speak- 
ers ате unshielded—the woofers emit а 
strong magnetic field that can wreak havoc 
on tapes, discs, hard drives and your moni- 
tor’s cathode-ray tubes. (That's good to re- 
member: Keep your home office and home en- 
tertainment centers at a comfortable distance 
from cach other) Most of the speakers that 
are sold with multimedia pachages are 
shielded. They also contain their cum amps. 
Experts say the best way to test a multimedia 
speaker system is to play your audio CDs on 
your CD-ROM drive before using it for 
games and reference works. 


Because 1 travel for business, I have to 
lug around a portable computer. I get 
frustrated with having to recharge the 
battery constantly. Is there anything I 
can do to make it last longer? —M.W., 
Chicago, Illinois. 

Jf you recharge a common nickel cadmium 
(NiCd) battery before it’s completely dead, 
you're shortchanging yourself —it won't have 
зо much life again. (For the record, and for 
any dinner conversation you might have 
with the Energizer Bunny, the phenomenon 
is known ax hysteresis.) Make sure your bat- 
teries are completely drained before you 
recharge them. The newer nickel-metal hy- 
dride (NiMH) batteries, which aren't so 
widely available, can last 40 percent longer 
and don't suffer from that recharge lag. To 
help your NiCd batteries last longer, keep 
your computer screen (an energy sapper) as 
dim as possible and don't turn the machine 
оп and off more than you have to. You can 


39 


PLAYBOY 


also get power-management software that 
helps you keep an eye on your energy supply. 
Finally, store batteries in a cool place and 
recharge them the night before your trip 
rather than a few days ahead. 


cer the three years I have been mar- 
ried, I've been unfaithful once. I admit- 
ted my mistake and I apologize constant- 
ly but have not regained my wife's trust. 
How can I convince her that I won't 
make the same mistake again?—].S., San 
Juan, Puerto Rico. 

Our advice: Stop apologizing. Flowers 
and regrels are not guarantees that you 
won't stray again. Better to analyze why you 
had the fling and address that problem. If 
you can, you'll be less likely to repeat your 
‘mistake. If you think it might help, share 
your conclusions with your wife. 


Recently the Advisor suggested tip- 
ping the maitre d' at the end of a meal 
"jn appreciation of the total effort." So- 
phisücated people do not take chances 
on good service in an important situa- 
tion, such as when you're trying to im- 
pres a business associate or special 
woman. I will excuse myself from the 
table for a moment and find my server. 
With my arm around his or her shoul- 
der, I will offer the appropriate gratuity 
based on what I anticipate spending at 
that meal and say, “Take good care of my 
guest and me.” Am I wrongi—K.K., 
Dublin, California. 

Ifit works for you, fine, but it sounds to us 
like a scene from a bad gangster тилле. 
What if your guests were to witness this 
scene? If a dinner is important to you, go to 
a place you know and where the staff knows 
you. If you're out of town, speak to the 
maitre d’, but save the tip for later. 


IM, girlfriend and I have known each 
other for four years and have been living 
together for nine months. I have a hang- 
up about how many and what types of. 
guys she has slept with. Other women 
I've known, including my ex-wife, have 
had no problem answering these ques- 
tions. But my girlfriend says her past re- 
lationships don't matter. In this day of 
disease, don't 1 have a right to expect an 
honest answer from the woman I want to 
spend the rest of my life with?—H.B., 
Minneapolis, Minnesota. 

Sure, but only if you ash intelligent ques- 
tions. Your concern over sexually transmitied 
diseases suffers а little from timing. You 
should have discussed your sexual health his- 
tories long ago. Examine why you really 
want a laundry list. Are you afraid you 
won't measure up? Would you think less of 
her if she had more experience than you? We 
suggest you let her preserve her past loves for 
what they are—memories. 


Ё just started dating a terrific guy, but 
there's one problem. He's so small that 


40 during intercourse there can't be much 


movement because he tends to slip out. 
lam used to thrusting. Is there anything 
1 can do to make our lovemaking 
more enjoyable?—K.J., Oklahoma City, 
Oklahoma. 

The first few sexual encounters of a rela- 
tionship aren't always the smoothest—that 
may account in part for your lover's difficul- 
ties. Give him some time to find his zone and 
soon you may be lusting for his thrusting. In 
the meantime, experiment with different po- 
sitions. To increase penetration (and to keep 
him from getting away), wrap your legs 
around your lover when he is on top or when 
you make love side by side. He might also 
find it easier if he grabs your ass to draw you 
closer and guide himself in and out. 


How long can HIV survive on an im- 
properly cleaned tattoo needle? Some- 
one who is HIV-positive had a tattoo 
done right before 1 did, and when I 
asked the tattooer how he cleans his nee- 
dle between customers, he said he soaks 
it in bleach. Am I at risk?—R. J., Detroit, 
Michigan. 

Soaking a ncedle in bleach after giving it 
a good cleaning with hot water is an effective 
way to prevent the passing of the virus. Rep- 
utable tattoo artists are well aware of the 
dangers of spreading HIV and use fresh nee- 
dles for each customer. 


AA few days ago, my husband and I 
stripped the sheets off of our water bed 
and doused it with baby oil. We had a 
wonderful time slipping all over the bed. 
When we were done, we showered to- 
gether. After washing my hair I was hap- 
py to discover that it was soft and shiny 
but not greasy-looking. So not only does 
slippery sex feel great, it's also good for 
your hair! Thought I'd pass this along.— 
L.P, Madison, Wisconsin. 

We're pleased to hear about your hair, but 
because we hate to see any good water-filled 
sex enhancer go to waste, be sure to wipe all 
the oil from your mattress, Over time, the oil 
could damage the vinyl. To make cleanup 
easier, drape a disposable plastic drop cloth 
(available at any hardware store) over your 
bed before your next slip and slide. 


IM, problem is stamina. 1 am a 29- 
year-old man. When I was 19, I could go 
for a half hour. Now, I can't make it two 
minutes. I know I am not ncarly in the 
shape I was ten years ago and I wonder 
if that has anything to do with how long 
I can last. Will shaping up improve my 
sex life?—R.D., Chicago, Illinois. 

Possibly, but it’s not really a matter of 
shape up or slip out. Even the most athletic 
men can suffer from control problems. Try 
this: During sex, instead of concentrating on 
how aroused you are, or how gorgeous your 
partner's heaving breasts are, or the fact that 
you're partaking in one of the most reward- 
ing aspects of your humanity, take a long, 
slow breath as you're approaching orgasm 
Change or break the rhythm or find some- 


thing new to inspire fascination. That said, 
there is still incentive to buff up: Countless 
studies have shown that self-esteem—includ- 
ing body image—contributes to sexual ener- 
gy. Anyone in touch with his body is likely to 
spend mare time seeing what il can do. 


Could it be true? I've heard that anal 
sex is illegal in some states, and that oral 
sex is illegal in others. How do police en- 
force something like that?—M.H., Wash- 
ington, D.C. 

Laws concerning anal and oral sex vary 
from state to state, though most are rarely en- 
forced beyond being used to harass homesex- 

uals. Historically, states have defined every- 
thing outside of the missionary position as 
defiling the laws of nature (are you turned 
on yet?). At lasi count, heterosexual anal sex 
was illegal in 15 states and the District of 
Columbia, while oral sex between straight 
partners is verboten in 16 states and D.C. 
(generally you can fuck freely in the Midwest 
and California, but stay on your toes in the 
Deep South). Many states also outlaw adul- 
tery, sex with a first cousin, premarital sex, 
living together and visible erections, though 
at last report, living with an erection wasn't 
a crime. 


Wl have a new girlfriend, but our sex life 
is ho-hum. She is very systematic and 
likes to have sex only at night. She is tall, 
athletic, sexy—basically, she makes me 
horny. The sight of her naked turns me 
on, but when I don't feel she is as turned 
on, it is difficult to get an erection. There 
are times when she is incredibly horny 
and the sex is great. How do I keep her 
that way?— C.C., Tacoma, Washington. 

As any scientist will tell you, observation is 
the first step toward solving a problem. The 
next time your girlfriend jumps you, make a 
mental note of the time, weather, day of the 
week, what you were wearing, any sudden 
movements you made during dinner, or any 
other variables that might have sparked her 
passion. Is she horny after a long workout? 
(If so, pay her health club dues and encour- 
age her lo go regularly.) Ask her about her 
day at work. Did she finish a big project? 
Did the boss compliment her? Narrow the 
variables until you're left with one or two 
common catalysts. All that may not be neces- 
sary, of course: Not every woman screams in 
delight, rolls her eyes and kicks the walls 
during sex, and your girlfriend may bc en- 
joying herself more than you think, 


AU reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing problems, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
staniped, self-addressed envelope, Send all 
letters to The Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. (E-mail: advisor@playboy.com.) 
The most provocative, pertinent queries will 
be presented in these pages each month. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


STUPID GOVERNMENT TRICKS 


it's tax time again. do you know where your dollars are? 


A › er 

After the office of Secretary of the 
Air Force Donald Rice was alerted 
that taxpayers had footed the $5700 
bill for him and his wife, plus an aide, 
to fly on an Air Force jet to Notre 
Dame University on the day of the big 
football game between Notre Dame 
and Air Force in 1990, a spokes- 
person explained that Rice had gone 
to discuss "official business" with 
ROTC cadets. 


When You've Got П. Flaunt lt 

А 1994 report by the General Ac- 
counting Office questioned numer- 
ous instances of defense contractors" 
charging the Pentagon for costs relat- 
ed to employee morale. Sparta Inc., a 
computer contractor, billed a total of 
$560,000 for employee conferences 
in Jamaica, Hawaii, Mexico and 
Grand Cayman Island. Sippican Inc., 
a maker of oceanographic gear, billed 
$11,000 for liquor, $62,000 for em- 
ployce use of a 46-foot company- 
owned fishing boat, $15,000 for 
T-shi $5000 for running 
shoes, $6000 for Red Sox tickets 
and $31,000 for scholarships for 
employees and their children. An- 
other contractor charged $2184 for 
a hospitality suite at the infamous 
1991 Tailhook Convention in Las 
Vegas. 


Yossa ‚al Your Office 

The Senate Budget Com- 
mittee determined tbat dur- 
ing the Eighties Pentagon efficien- 
cy experts saved between $27 million 
and $136 million each year. However, 
the work of the efficiency experts cost. 
between $150 million and $300 mil- 


lion each year. 


Free Flippe 

In 1992 Congress told the Navy to 
"develop training procedures that 
will allow mammals no longer re- 
quired for this project to be released 
into their natural habitat" About 
$500,000 was earmarked for the task. 
The mammals in question were 100 
dolphins, 20 sea lions and a few belu- 


By JOHN J. КОНОТ 


gas and false killer whales that had 
been used, at the cost of $8 million 
per year, in Navy programs. The 
$500,000 was used up in one two-day 
meeting in Albuquerque of specialists 
who conduded that dolphins held 
longer than seven years probably 
could not be reintroduced to the wild 
(animal rights activists disagree). All 
but five of the dolphins, meanwhile, 
fioat in cages eight yards long and 
eight yards wide. 


Radical New Idea 
According to figures compiled by 
the National Highway Traffic Safety 
Administration and 
reported by the 
Centers for 
Disease 


Control, 

more than one third of the 5546 ped- 
estrians killed by cars in 1992 had 
blood alcohol levels higher than the 
legal limit for drivers. The NHTSA 
decided to spend $370,000 to study 
why drunk walkers are hit by cars. 


Stupid 
Astudy by the genetics department 
at the University of Washington is 


investigating digestive irregularity in 
worms. Scientists observing the one- 
millimeter-long worms defecating are 
also monitoring a mutant strain they 
created that is constipated. Funded 
with tax dollars? You bet. 


News ! If You 
Get Shot in the lead. 

You're in Trouble 
A $2 million Army research pro- 
gram at Louisiana State University 
Medical Center involved firing pellets 
into the heads of drugged cats and 
studying their injuries to improve 
treatment for soldiers with head 
wounds. Of the 700 cats shot, 103 
were killed outright. The others were 
brain-wounded but kept alive so that 
neurological tests could be conduct- 
ed. Dr. Michael Sukoff, spokesman 
for the Physicians Committee for Re- 
sponsible Medicine, which protested 
the research, noted that after six 
years of cat shootings, the researchers 
"concluded that a brai jured or- 

ganism will stop breathing. 
er words, as had been concluded in 
similar studies 100 years earlier, 
respiratory support can keep 
brain-injured people alive. The 
scientist in charge of the pro- 
gram went on to win a $1.8 mil- 
lion Pentagon contract to study 

head injuries in rats. 


Money for Nothing 
In 1994 the Department of De- 
fense concluded that the Selective 
Service draft registration system 
could be suspended "without ir- 
reparable damage to national securi- 
ty." Each year the system registers be- 
tween 1.5 million and 1.8 million 
18-year-olds for the nonexistent 
draft. The service's annual budget is 
$24 million. President Clinton reject- 
ed the proposal, instead asking Con- 
gress for $23 million to fund the pro- 
gram for 1995. 


г. 

In 1993 the Physicians Committee 
for Responsible Medicine termed 
"outlandish" a $3 million taxpayer- 
funded research project to determine 


41 


42 


whether marijuana will make rabbits 
more suscepüble to syphilis and mice 
more prone to Legionnaires’ disease 


Excuse Me! 
In 1994 the Environmental Protec- 
tion Agency gave a $500,000 grant 
to Utah State University to study 
whether cattle burps contain enough 
methane to encourage global warming. 
Researchers fitted range cattle with 
special breathing devices to measure 
the methane in their 
belches. Three years earli- т 
ег, the feds had spent 


$300,000 to measure 


the methane in cow 
farts. 


Darin 
мах 
1 
Late in 1993 
the Los Angeles 
Times reported on 
an Air Force plan 
to launch 2000 
pounds of sand into 
orbit aboard a commu- 
nications satellite. Be- 
cause some electronic 
equipment for the flight was 
not completed in time, the Air Force 
decided that the sand would act as bal- 
last. John Pike of the Federation of 
American Scientists noted that the mis- 
sion would still cost $70 million and 
called the idea of launching dead 
weight to compensate for missing tech- 
nology "the silliest thing I have ever 
heard of.” 


Handing Out Fi Dynamite 

According to a report by the Gener- 
al Accounting Office and the Senate 
Committee on Aging, Social Security 
programs dispensed $1.4 billion dur- 
ing 1993 to more than 250,000 alco- 
holics and drug addicts, most of whom, 
instead of using it for recovery purpos- 
es, fed their habits. The report found 
that only 78,000 of the beneficiaries 
were subjected to any monitoring of 
the money they received. One package 
store owner in Denver was found to 
have received $160,000 a year from the 
program on behalf of 40 alcoholics 
whom he kept supplied with liquor. 


The Never 
Reagan Revolution 

From 1991 to 1994, Congress is re- 

ported to have secretly authorized 

more than $65 million for the Central 

Intelligence Agency to buy back what 

ains of the estimated 1000 Stinger 


missiles it distributed to Afghan rebels 
to battle invading Soviets during the 
Eighties. (Some of the missiles have al- 
ready surfaced in Iran, Qatar and 
North Korea.) The original cost of each 
missile was $35,000 when the Army 
bought them from General Dynamics. 
In 1990 the CIA was said to be offering 
$50,000 per missile in the buy-back 
program. Now the price is reportedly 
$100,000 per Stinger. 


‘Two years after 
posting $500 
million in loss- 
es and after 
the start of a 
new year that 
found the U.S. 
Postal Service 
running up ex- 
penses of $215 
million more than 
expected, Postmas- 
< ter General Marvin 

2 58 Runyon announced 
СТ, the possibility of large 
cash bonuses for his 
managers if the total loss 
for the current year could be 
kept to $1.3 billion. With postal execu- 
tives earning average salaries of 
$83,000, they could share in a $9 mil- 
lion bonus pool. Meanwhile, despite 
33,000 layoffs, the Postal Service spent 
$7 million to replace its corporate logo. 


Since 1925 the U.S. Bureau of Mines 
has maintained a huge underground 
reserve of helium gas in Amarillo, 
‘Texas to fuel the Army's fleet of 
dirigibles. Unfortunately, the 
Army hasn't had a fleet of diri- 
gibles in about four decades. 
As of 1993 the stockpile was 
valued at $1.6 billion, 
enough helium to last the 
US. 60 years. The opera- 
tion employs 220 Bureau of 
Mines workers and has driven 
the agency $1.3 billion into 
debt. When asked during her tes- 
timony before the House Budget 
Committee why the Clinton 1995 
budget still did not eliminate the na- 
tional helium program, Office of Man- 
agement and Budget Deputy Director 
Alice Rivlin said, “I think we keep it for 
some mysterious political reason" — 
namely, the helium industry is afraid 
the reserve would flood the market 
and put private dealers out of business. 


After the Postal Service dropped il 
advertising claims that its two-day Pri- 
ority Mail service was guaranteed, it 
destroyed all envelopes bearing the 
two-day claim at a cost of $185,000. A 
1993 Senate investigation had found 
that only 77 percent of Priority Mail 
was actually delivered within two days. 


A Б -.. Good Stuff 
For fiscal 1994 the Senate Labor 
Committee added $4 million to the 
Dwight Eisenhower Leadership Devel- 
opment Program, designed to foster 
“new generations of leaders in the ar- 
eas Of national and international af- 
fairs.” The program awards grants of 
$175,000 for efforts to stimulate those 
leadership skills. Grant proposals have 
included a Texas university's offer to 
arrange for 100 “at-risk fifth grader 
to attend Rap and Eat programs fe: 
turing the rap group Chillin’ Time, 
and Wayne State University’s plan to 
run "leadership development semi- 
nars” that would include the Washing- 
ton International Walkabout—stu- 
dents would get to walk around 
Washington, D.C. for six days. 


For those of you who insist on get- 
Чпр a free wall calendar every year. 
each member of Congress can pass 
out 2500 copies 

of the U.S. 


Congress annual calendar. The calen- 
dar features a photo of the Capitol and 
lists important dates in U.S. history. 
The yearly production costs of the age- 
old giveaway item total $740,000. If all 
are mailed out to constituents, you can 


add on another $2 million. The last se- 
rious attempt to discontinue this prac- 
tice was led by Representative Peter 
Kostmayer (D-Pa.) in 1977. “There are 
too many calendars in America,” said 
Kostmayer. “This is a step toward get- 
ting rid of such clutter.” It failed. 


LU 

The Congressional Pig Book Summary is 
an annual publication pro- 
duced by Citizens 
Against Govern- 
ment Waste. With 
a focus on pork 
barrel spend- 
ing, each vol- 
ume lists 
numerous 
examples of 
members of 
Congress 
appropriat- 
ing federal 
money for proj- 
ects of local inter- 


est to themselves but 

of dubious national concern. Here are 
some examples from the 1994 funding 
bill considered by Congress: 

* The Senate Agriculture Committee 
ا‎ $44 


ion for *wood 
ince 1985, $27.1 
Aion has been funneled into the 
research. 

* The Senate and House ag commit- 
tees spent a combined $34.6 million 
for research into screwworms, even 
though the worm has been eliminated 
from the U.S. This funding is appar- 
ently directed at a program to eradicate 
screwworms from southern Mexico. 

© The Treasury-Postal Service bill saw 
the House add $2.4 million for the de- 
sign and construction of a parking fa- 
cility їп Burlington, lowa that would 
provide 200 parking spaces for federal 
employees. However, there are only 18 
federal employees in Burlington. 

* An amount of $11.5 million was set 
aside to modernize a power plant at 
the Philadelphia Naval Yard, which 
was scheduled to be closed. 

* Money was added to help fund a 
five-car, two-mile transit system in Or- 
lando, a project that may total as much 
as $42 million and won't be complete 
until at least 2010. A free bus shuttle. 
currently covers the same area. 


A Gun Is a 
Terrible Thiaz to Waste 
Established soon after the Spanish 
American War, the Army's Civilian 
Marksmanship Program was intended 
to improve the shooting skills of poten- 
tual draftees. Now, it lends weapons 


and provides 40 million rounds of free 
ammo to gun clubs and Boy Scouts and 
is budgeted millions of dollars every 
year to train citizens "so they can func- 
tion in the national interest in case of 
war." Funding for 1995 was sct at $2.5 


The Washington Post reported 
that, in 1993, senior Penta- 

gon officers and high- 
ranking civilians 
have regularly 
traveled by 
helicopter 
to An- 


cost of $1000 
to $3000 for each of 238 
trips. The cab fare for the same 
journey is $22 and takes about 20 
minutes. A spokesperson for one of the 
frequent fliers said that his boss prefers 
copters because he sometimes travels 
with "classified material that needs the 
security" of traveling by air. 


Another Job 
We Should All Have 
In February 1993 it was revealed 
that the Resolution Trust Corp. had 
been paying 1300 workers an average 
of $35 an hour to photocopy loan files 
at Home Fed Savings Association, a 
failed California thrift. The cost of the 
photocopying, directed by the account- 
ing firm of Price Waterhouse, was ex- 
pected to total from $25 million to 
$30 million. According to the R'TC's 
inspector general, Price Waterhouse 
hired a billing manager for $1505 a 
week from a temp agency then 
charged the government $6700 a 
week for the individual. 


ve a Boy a “How to Fish 


Whole Life 

A General Accounting 
Office report said that in 
1991 the Fish and Wildlife 
Service was so concerned 
about the misconduct of 
participants at bass-fishing 
tournaments that the 
agency spent $250,000 on 
copies of the 32-page book- 
let How to Conduct (and Con- 
duct Yourself in) a Bass 
Tournament. 


ig Money lo 
Stop Spending Money 

According to The Progressive, Соп- 
gress authorized $1.8 billion in 1994 to 
“allow for the orderly termination of 
the B-2 bomber program.” Inexplica- 
bly, $791 million of that sum was allot- 
ted for research and development. The 
balance went toward purchasing five 
more B-2s. And although there is a 
moratorium on nuclear testing, the au- 
thorization bill also provided $217.4 
million “to support the readiness of the 
Nevada Test Site to resume testing, if 
necessary, at a future date.” 


So That the 
Cockroache: п Communi: 
With One Anot! 
When Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich.) 
looked into reports that the Air Force 
was spending $73 million on 173 cus- 
tom fax machines designed by Litton 
Industries to survive nuclear blasts, he 
found the reports inaccurate. Actually, 
it was spending $115.6 million—or 
$668,000 per machine. The Air Force 
had rejected a machine built by Mag- 
navox that cost only $15,000. That 
model was built to the required specifi- 
cations, but it transmitted pages in 
newspaper quality while the Litton 
model transmitted in magazine quality. 


Excerpted from “Stupid Government 
Tricks: Outrageous (but True!) Stories of 
Bureaucratic Bungling and Washington 
Waste" (Plume). 


44 


ES THE CONTRAC 


TON AMERICA Em 


the new crime bill makes life safer—for some 


D 
In the past 


By BOB WIEDER] I" ‘he past 


almost 3000 Americans have been 
sentenced to death by state courts. Of 
these, 254 have been executed. And 
about 50 death row inmates have 
been found innocent and were re- 
leased before the state could get them 
down the last corridor. 

Capital punishment is costly, cruel 
and unjust. But damn, is it popular. 

Last summer Congress passed а 
federal crime bill that created almost 
60 new capital crimes. And the COP 
has promised to start executing citi- 
zens with zealous efficiency (that's 
why its plan has been called the Con- 
tract on America). 

Congress clearly feels, despite im- 
measurable evidence to the con- 
wary, that the federal government 
can speed up things by increasing 
the number of crimes that warrant 
death and by hastening the 
process. Execution pretty much 
ends pesky appeals. 

Politicians relish the testicular al- 
lure of eye-for-an-eye justice. But it 
appears that the anatomy of the 
common man is not part of the 
equation. 

The bulk of the new death 
penalty laws protect our elected 
officials and their cohorts. Do you 
feel more secure? 

Indeed, you'll take the big fall by 
killing almost anybody associated 
with the federal government, from 
the president on down to White 
House staffers, relatives of federal 
officials, court officers, jurors and 
state or local officers who happen to 
be standing near federal officials 
during investigations. The only sur- 
prising omission are lobbyists, and 
that was probably a printing error. 

"The basic judicial principle is that 
the government takes care of its own. 
The rest of us have to deal as best we 
can with life on the street. If that's a 
rap on the government, it's also a ju- 
risdictional fact: The feds bear re- 
sponsibility for what happens to civil- 
ians when we are on federal property. 
They protect people more important 
than you or I, in places most of us 
never visit. Still, the crime bill does 
have educational value—for aspiring 
criminals. 


Quiz: You want to cut your boss in- 
to shoebox-size pieces. To avoid a fed- 
eral death penalty, you should per- 
form the act: (a) in a national park, 
(b) on an aircraft carrier, (c) at the Bu- 
reau of Weights and Measures, (d) in 
a police station. Correct answer: (d). 

Similarly, if you want to send a let- 
ter bomb to your neighbor, use UPS 
Or a bike messenger and not the U.S. 
mail; first, because you want the 
bomb to get there, and second, be- 
cause using a postal worker to do 
your dirty work can get you stamped. 
"deceased." 

While Congress did raise the stakes 
on using a firearm while committing 
a violent federal crime (such as re- 


moving the tags from a mattress or 
cheating on your taxes) or to 
influence the outcome of a drug deal, 
it certainly left the homicidally in- 
clined with lots of room to maneuver. 
Murders committed with knives, 
garrotes, poison, baseball bats, karate 
kicks, swords, crossbows, blunt ob- 
jects, chain saws or vats of boiling tar 
are not the government's concern so 
long as you don't make a hobby or rc- 
ligion out of it. But be warned—if you 
torture a person (say, by making him 
watch C-SPAN) and then kill him, you 
could qualify for lethal injection. 
And try not to involve major modes 


of transportation. If you wreck a 
train, plane, car or ship to kill some- 
one, you've not only gone way over- 
board but may ride the lightning 
yourself. And just forget altogether 
“the use of weapons of mass destruc- 
tion resulting in death.” 

"The crime bill specifically discour- 
ages—by threat of death—the use of. 
biological weapons (germs) and 
chemical weapons (say, drugs sprayed 
with paraquat). Admittedly, we'd like 
to execute whoever brings in the 
Asian flu every year—possibly by op- 
erating heavy machinery on the carri- 
ers while taking decongestants—but 
what exactly did our lawmakers have 
in mind here? Are muggers now arm- 
ing themselves with Saturday night 

poxes? As unlikely as it sounds, do 

our lawmakers know something 
that we don't? 

And speaking of mass extermi- 
nation, if you saw Schindler's List 
and found yourself thinking, Geno- 
cide—there's a career, get it right. 
out of your mind. Afire with get- 
toughness, Congress upped the 
ante for genocide from life impris- 
onment to you know what. 

Some of the new laws create a 
double standard between the acts 
of private citizens and the acts of 
government agents. Consider the 
problem of dueling death penal- 
ties: On the one hand, "the ob- 
struction of the free exercise of re- 
ligious rights resulting in death" 
entitles Uncle Sam to snuff the of- 

1 fender, though some people would 
call that a fair description of what 
federal agents did in Waco. On the 

other hand, you could say David Ko- 
resh and the Branch Davidians were 
guilty of "interference with federally 
protected activities resulting in death." 

The feds have finished remodeling. 
one of their many prisons, turning 
one wing into a tidy little death row 
and erecting a small execution cham- 
ber in the yard out back. The first ten 
candidates selected by Janet Reno are 
drug kingpins (all black) whose main 
crime seems to have been killing oth- 
er drug kingpins. 

Not to be bloodthirsty about it, but 
do we really want to discourage so 
sternly the one self-limiting aspect of 
the drug trade? 


М E W 


S F R 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


SELF-SERVICE 


WATERFORD. MICHIGAN—A 34-year-old 
lavern patron carried safe sex to the ex- 
treme by helping himself not only to a few 
dozen condoms but also to the machine they 


came in. The tavern called the cops, who 
recovered the machine at the suspect's 
home, along with its supply of rubbers and 
$31.75 in quarters. Commented the po- 
lice, “All we can figure is, he was anlict- 
pating a big weekend.” 


OUR KIND OF HELP 


NORFOLK, NEBRASKA—The income tax 
season got off to an exciting start in a part 
of Nebraska where the phone directory pro- 
vided citizens with an 800-number help 
line. Because of a numerical screwup, the 
help offered was sexual. People calling the 
number got a steamy come-on for an erotic 
phone line instead of tax shelter advice. 
The phone company has since installed an 
intercept that gives callers the correct num- 
ber for the IRS. 


KID GLOVES 


FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA—Broward 
County furnishes latex gloves to bus driv- 
ers worried about catching AIDS or other 
diseases from handling the 300 to 400 
transfer slips given to them by passengers 
each day. One driver explained, "Some 
people have transfers in their mouths, or 
they have them down their pants or in their 


bras. You don't want to think about where 
they've had them.” AIDS educators ex- 
pressed dismay at the drivers’ lack of un- 
derstanding about the disease, but a coun- 
ty transit director said the fear was real 
even if mistaken. "It's a commentary on the 
times in which we live.” 


GRAPES OF WRATH — 

TORONTO, ONTARIO—The Canadian 
Supreme Court endorsed the use of drunk- 
enness as a defense in rape and other sex- 
ual abuse cases, causing am uproar їп 
Canada's legal community. Alihough the 
court did nol explicitly grant rape rights to 
drunks, it did compare extreme intoxica- 
tion to insanity, which could make it im- 
possible to prove intent to commit a crime. 
The director of a women's center in Mon- 
treal said the ruling “opens up the process 
of appeal for every rapist and assaulter of 
women in the country, as the vast majority 
of assaults are committed by people under 
the influence of alcohol.” 


CALL GIRLS, LITERALLY ~ 
LONDON—Aggressive advertising by 
prostitutes has alarmed local officials who 
fear the campaign will give the city a bad 
name. Tens of thousands of bawdy business 
cards have been posted in public places, 
mainly telephone booths, and offer a vari- 
ety of sexual services. Legally, neither civic 
officials nor British Telecom can prevent 
the posting of the cards because the phone 
booth walls aren't damaged and littering 
laus don't apply. 


FAMILY VALUES 


TAIWAN—Taiwan's minister of justice 
ruled that death row inmates have the 
same right as other citizens to bank their 
sperm so that the family line can continue 
even after their execution. Posthumous 
parenthood is less favored on the Chinese 
mainland, where the population-conscious 
government would prefer to head off such 


ancestry. 
CLERICAL CAPERS — 
LONDON—A group of gays stormed a 
Sunday Mass al Westminster Cathedral 
and denounced Vatican opposition to con- 
dom use by releasing 55 helium-infiated 
condoms, which floated to the ceiling of the 


123-foot-high dome of Britain's main Ro- 
man Catholic church. 

A 64-year-old British bishop caused a 
small commotion when he penned a mar- 
riage manual that includes explicit advice 
on arousing ones partner recommends 
experiments with. novel. sexual. positions 
and endorses making love all around 
the house. 


POTPOURRI 


QUANTICO, VIRGINIA—Despite renewed 
interest in marijuana reform, the Drug 
Enforcement Administration stuck to its 
guns with a two-day “antilegalization” fo- 
rum at the FBI-DEA training center here. 
Police from around the country were 
brought in for instructions on how to beat 
back growing skepticism about the war on 
drugs. No reform spokesmen were invited. 

Elsewhere: A German couri ruled that 
cannabis is medically safer than alcohol or 
tobacco, and substantially increased the 
amount that must be consumed before a 
user can be charged with a misdemeanor. 


-  TONGUELASHING — 


LEXINGTON. KENTUCKY—For nine 
years “the rumor just kept getting bigger 
and bigger” until University of Kentucky 


officials conceded that, yes, their тоатїп 
wildcat's tongue does look а lot like a pe- 
nis. A number of fans claimed to be of- 
fended by the cartoon logo, so the artwork 
is being revised to resolve the matter. 


45 


46 


POLITICS IN CYBERSPACE 
"The real threats to the Inter- 
net аге not the criminal and 
asocial types but the politically 
correct left-wing liberal flamers 
who keep anyone with an op- 
posing view from posting. On 
alt.feminism, I was insulted by 
feminists who feel that hetero- 
sexual men are predators to be 
avoided at all costs. These same 
feminists put male posters’ 
names in headers, saying that 
the men condone rape, a refer- 
ence to their opinions on the 
subject. 1 have gotten equally 
negative feedback from PC 
flamers dominating several oth- 
er groups. Attribution has be- 
come a dangerous thing with 
the self-proclaimed thought po- 
lice out in force on the Net. The 
liberals on the Internet are in- 
to limiting civil rights in a big 
way. Nonplatitudinous opinions 
need nor apply. 
Allen MacCannell 
Munich, Germany 


The postal inspectors men- 
tioned in the piece on computer 
bulletin boards ("The Postman 
Always Stings Twice," The 
Playboy Forum, December) are 
not the only ones lurking on the 


DON'T TREAD ON ME 


“I have absolutely no intention of apologizing 
for anything I may or may not have said. I am 
entirely capable of outrageous utterance and 
practice it with great skill and intend to contin- 
ue doing so until the First Amendment is re- 
pealed and politically correct speech becomes 
the law of the land. I urge to all that my accuser 
be avoided in all professional situations lest her 
delicate sensibilities be offended by some off- 


twitty administrator) Your local 
conflict presages a future political 
firestorm—whoever pays for the 
wire owns iL Once Jesse Helms 
latches on to the fact that the Inter- 
net is powered by government 
funds, expect him to purge the lines 
with cybersoap. 


CONDOMS AND HIV 

1 can corroborate the points 
made in T.G. Rand's article 
"Sleeping With the Virus" (The 
Playboy Forum, January). 1 am а 
college student in South Caro- 
lina, a state recognized for its 
Baptist influences. This past se- 
mester I spent nine weeks re- 
searching the abortion issue 
across the state. During several 
interviews with workers at 
Christian pregnancy centers 
and with pro-life activists, I was 
outraged to learn of the anti- 
condom and antisex-educa- 
tion campaigns. Because fewer 
and fewer teens in the Nineties 
are practicing abstinence (as 
the conservative organiza- 
tions would have it), discourag- 
ing condom use increases the 
spread of AIDS, other sexually 
transmitted diseases and teen 
pregnancy and ultimately puts 
a burden on the health care 


information highway. Officials 
at Central Michigan University 
are trying to censor all materi- 
als that are obtained, kept or 
viewed on the computers. The 
existing policy states that in or- 


hand remark made in her presence.” 
—ATTORNEY JIM SHEETS TO THE WARREN COUNTY 
PROSECUTOR AFTER WITNESS ADVOCATE KAREN 
MCKINNON FILED A SEXUAL HARASSMENT COM- 
PLAINT WITH THE OHIO SUPREME COURT'S DISCI- 
PLINARY COUNCIL ACCUSING SHEETS OF MAKING 


and welfare systems in the U.S. 
The teaching of safe sex, espe- 
cially condom use, is in the 
best interests of every parent, 
heterosexual, homosexual and 


der to get an online account 
(Educentral), I must give ad- 
ministrators the power to deter- 
mine if something in my directory is 
obscene or unacceptable, and they can 
browse my files at any time for any rea- 
son. My computer science account 
(which is supposed to be private) be- 
came the subject ofan interrogation by 
one of our administrators. After in- 
forming me that some of my files were 
obscene, he threatened to send copies 
of the pictures to my mother. He also 
threatened to bring me up on sexual 
harassment charges because I use some 
of the pictures (vith bikinis or under- 
garments strategically placed) as a 
screen saver. This same administrator 
has also told science-lab staff members 
that if they have any of this material оп 
their systems, it must be removed or 


OFFENSIVE REMARKS AND SEXUAL ADVANCES. 


their jobs will be terminated. What can 
we do? 


Max Boettger Jr. 
Mount Pleasant, Michigan 
Not much. You signed an agreement that 
gave the university the power to snoop, and 
you have about as much privacy as a tenant 
їп a rental apartment. Gun-shy administra- 
tors are overreacting in the wake of recent 
suits involving transmission of supposedly 
obscene images. As for your screen saver, 
your computer screen is considered part of 
the workplace environment. By posting im- 
ages that could be interpreted by sensitive 
types as hostile, you've left yourself open for 
sexual harassment charges. (Although we 
would think the complaint would have to 
originate with an offended female, not some 


taxpayer in this country. 
Scott Brodeur 
Charleston, South Carolina 


T.G. Rand's article provides critical 
data that educators can use to refute 
misinformation about condoms. Far- 
right groups are promoting abs 
nence-only, fear-based education pro- 
grams that exaggerate condom failure 
rates and misuse many of the studies 
described in Rand's article. The Sex 
Information and Education Council of 
the U.S. has identified more than 300 
communities in 43 states in. which 
school districts battle the content of sex 
education programs. There is no evi- 
dence that programs undermining 
condom use help young people to re- 
main abstinent. However, one can as- 
sume that these types of programs will 
discourage condom use. People are 


already inconsistent users of con- 
doms—giving them information to jus- 
tify not using condoms is a serious mis- 
take. Aside from abstinence, the best 
protection against HIV and other sex- 
ually transmitted diseases is a condom. 
Responsible organizations that care 
about public health should refrain 
from undermining one of the only 
tools we have for curbing the HIV and 
STD epidemics. 

Debra Haffner 

Executive Director, SIECUS 

New York, New York 


“Sleeping With the Virus" made me 
see red. To intentionally promote a 
campaign that discourages condom use 
is reprehensible. What's needed 
among young people now is informa- 
tion to help them navigate the uncer- 
tainty of adolescent sexuality, not more 
lies. To that end, the National Institute 
of Child Health and Human Develop- 
ment surveyed 550 Minneapolis and 
St. Paul teenagers on their sexual be- 
havior, beliefs and attitudes. One of the 
study's more dramatic discoveries in- 
volved the relationship between sexual 
discussion and STD risks. The Univer- 
sity of Minnesota rescarch team found 
that partners who talked with each oth- 
er about their sexual histories were at 
lower risk for STDs than those who 
had no discussion. They also discov- 
ered that talkers were more than three 
times as likely to use condoms consis- 
tently and five times more likely to be 
involved in a monogamous relation- 
ship. Based on these findings, the soci- 
ologists concluded that communication 
among adolescents may result in less 
risky sexual behavior. Now that's infor- 
mation that kids, educators and par- 
ents can use. 

Sylvia Weston 
St. Paul, Minnesota 


INVITATIONS 

The January piece “By Invitation 
Only" states: “We suspect that real 
rapists aren't swayed by public service 
ads." I must ask, What is your defini- 
tion of a "real" rapist? Is a real rapist 
someone who stalks women in Central 
Park? Is he a kidnapper who chains his 
victim to a bed? Breaks into your 
house? Yes, yes and yes. The majority 
of real rapists, however, are guys a lot 
like you. Maybe he's had too much to 
drink. Maybe she has too. Maybe she 
doesn't mind making out in the cab 


and agrees to come in for a nightcap, 
but when she says no and he refuses to 
stop, that real guy becomes a real 
rapist. Come on, get real. 

Andrea Babcock 

Garden City, Kansas 

No, get sober. A lot of confused courtship 

happens under the influence and a lot of sex 
happens in the absence of a refusal: We hold 
both parties responsible. Adding a rape 
charge to the morning-after hangover or 
morning-after regret is tragic, unjust and. 
turns а co-conspirator into an accuser. 


Hooray for "By Invitation Only" 
There is no better place to see this sen- 
sitive and extremely important issue 
addressed than in a magazine re- 
nowned for its literary content and 
viewed by so many men. Thanks for 
cutting to the heart of the matter. 

Suzanne LaChance Luce 
Redwood City, California 


NIPPLEPHOBIA 
American Photo magazine apparently 
suffers from the same phobia as the 
garment industry (“Nipplephobia,” 
The Playboy Forum, January). The Janu- 
ary-February 1994 cover features su- 
permodel Kate Moss in a gauzy midriff 
top baring navel, pelvic bone, ribs and 
breasts, but no nipples! The magazine 
altered the photo, offending hundreds 
of readers. No wonder Moss looks like 

she's lost her best friend(s). 

Denise Gatlin 

Chicago, Illinois 


I've heard that if you 
drive along state high- 
way 52 in New Mexico, 
you will see yellow cau- 
tion signs with the pro- 
file of a horned cow, 
indicating open range. 
The older signs show a 
cow with a mammary 
gland (udder) and the 
usual complement of 
teats (nipples). The 
new signs are the same 


Most 
Importan 


Ople iti 
Photography 


CRUSADERS 
The Reverend David Trosch won- 
ders if the clients of an abortion center 
might be carrying the next Christ 
("Christian Soldier: Take Two," The 
Playboy Forum, January). Let's take that 
to the next logical argument: What if 
we look at the end of Christ's life rather 
than the beginning? Catholics, as well 
as almost all other Christian sects, ab- 
hor capital punishment almost as 
strongly as they do abortion. What if 
they had been successful in stopping 
Christ's execution? Would we still have 
been allowed entry to heaven? Easter, 
the celebration of Jesus’ death and res- 
urrection, is the most important holi- 
day in Christianity. Without the contro- 
versy and publicity caused by Christ's 
martyrdom, he more than likely would 
have fallen into obscurity and been 
long forgotten. Hence Father Trosch's 
statement is as illogical as his argument 
that murdering abortionists is justi- 
fiable homicide. No number of wrongs 

will ever equal one right. 

David Kveragas 

Dunmore, Pennsylvania 


We would like to hear your point of 
view. Send questions, information, opinions 
ard quirky stuff to: The Playboy Forum 
Reader Response, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
Fax number: 312-951-2939. E-mail: 
forum Giplayboy.com. 


except the gland now 
lacks nipples. Some- 
one in the state gov- 
ernment has decided 
not to show a cow with 
teats. How's that for 
phobia? 

Theodore Belling Jr. 
Winston, New Mexico 


The Top 
Talents and. 
Biggest Success 
Stories in the 


47 


48 


COMICS: THREAT OR MENACE? 


pop culture censorship is nothing new 
By WILLIAM J. HELMER 


Prompted by the prosecution of cartoon- 
ist Mike Diana in Florida, one of our 
Contributing Editors recalls the last time 
our country was imperiled by comic books. 

Fm a little hazy now, but I think it 
was around 1953 when the youth of 
America, corrupted by a new line of 
comic books, began disemboweling 
people and cutting off their heads. 
The problem did not reach serious 
proportions in my community, where 
everyone knew one another and the 
discovery of a decapitated corpse 
guaranteed a flurry of warnings and 
condemnations over the high school's 
scratchy PA system, or a pronounce- 
ment from the principal to be read in 
homeroom. Evidently the situation 
was a lot worse in larger cities, where 
the bodies stacked up like cordwood, 
but locally it was considered disrup- 
tive to the educational process. 1 can 
remember one such event that result- 
ed in an assembly lasting much of the 
afternoon. 

We were fidgeting in our seats in 
the auditorium, anxious to get back 
to our studies, when the stage was 
taken over by a dozen or so teachers, 
several administrators and most of 
the student council. The last to arrive 
was the principal himself, a portly old 
fellow in a rumpled double-breasted 
suit who fairly bounded up the stage 
steps lugging a bulging bricfcase and 
one of those pouches that hunters use 
to carry the small game they've killed. 
He dropped these on a battered oak 
table with loud thumps that triggered 
a howl of feedback from the auditori- 
um speakers. The glare in his eyes 
would have been more impressive 
had his face not been so flushed with 
distress. 

Without a word of introduction he 
fished among his papers until he 
came up with a comic book, which 
he held high in both hands. It was 
Crime SuspenStories or one of the pop- 
ular EC horror comics of the day, 
which typically featured slime-drip- 
ping creatures and elaborate grave- 
yard or torture scenes that the kids 
had taken to emulating. This issue 
differed from the more action-orient- 
ed covers mainly in that it presented a 
close-up of a woman's severed head. 


You could hear the collective yawn. 

Flapping the comic down on the 
table, the principal then unzipped 
the rubberized pouch, which con- 
tained something the size of a bowl- 
ing ball. A tuft of blonde hair ap- 
peared. Then, his fingers entwining 
golden locks, he pulled out the sev- 
ered head of Louaine Moggsberger, 
our dass reporter. I'd noticed in class 
that her chair was empty but hadn't 
given it any thought. 

Now there was a collective silence. 
Had it been the head of Randi Sue 
Leutweiler, our most popular cheer- 

leader (who, incidental- 


i CRIME” 
¿SUSPENSTORIES 


ly, put out), 

I'm sure the reaction would have 
been one of shock and dismay. But 
Louaine was homely as a cowpie, and 
the loss did not register as a great 
one, especially vith class elections just 
weeks away. So the effort at melodra- 
ma was only a qualified success, con- 
sidering how jaded and warped we 
had become from reading our com- 
ic books. 

We were far enough out of the 
mainstream of American culture that 
the seriousness of decapitation, dis- 
embowelment, live burials and other 
tasteless pranks didn’t fully register 
until network television came to our 
community a few months later with 


national newscasts reporting the 
work of the U.S. Senate Subcommit- 
tee on Juvenile Delinquency. The 
hearings featured the research of Dr. 
Fredric Wertham, a psychiatrist 
whose book, Seduction of the Innocent, 
documented comic books as the 
source of nearly all the youthful de- 
pravity that put our traditional value 
system at risk. They wouldn't let Dr. 
Wertham go on TV, I found out later, 
because his heavy German accent 
made him sound like a Nazi, and 
World War Two was still fresh in peo- 
ple's minds. 

Still, Dr. Wertham provided the 
senators with plenty of grisly fodder, 
scared the hell out of our complacent 

parents and put EC horror comics 

Out of business just in time. 

Growing out of those Senate 
hearings was something called the 
Comics Code Authority. a censor- 
ship scheme that pretty well steril- 
ized comic art for the next 20 years. 
But the country was saved from it- 
self, and that's what counted. When 
the so-called underground comix 
came along in the Sixties and Seven- 
ties, I had matured enough to realize 
the threat they presented to yet a 
new generation of American chil- 
dren, who almost certainly would be , 
led into lives of sex and drugs and so- § 
cial irresponsibility by the filth rapid- ; 
ly reappearing in head shops, as if; 
there were no connection. I predict- 
ed, correctly, that these impression- f 
able kids would turn into hippies, 
who of course scoffed at my efforts to 
remind them of the frightful Fifties. 

I told them about the horrors un- 
leashed by comic artists such as Wally 
Wood, Will Elder, Jack Davis and 
Harvey Kurtzman, but 1 was laughed 
at by the Robert Crumbs, Gilbert 
Sheltons, Skip Williamsons and Jay 
Lynches of the day. They accused me 
of exaggerating, of making up the de- 
capitation and disembowelment sto- 
ries. Obviously victims of the new 
reefer madness and brainwashed by 
goofball gurus, they claimed the only 
heads that rolled in the Fifties were 
those of the cartoonists—which, I un- 
derstand, are now considered to be 
valuable collectors’ items. 


Reporter's Notebook 


CRACKED OBSESSION 


we ve been misled by false myths about crack cocaine, 
and the war on drugs has become a war on the black community 


The cqual-protection clause of the 
Fourteenth Amendment was designed to 
rotect blacks in the aftermath of the 
Civil War. In recent years, there has been 
no clearer violation of the spirit, as well 
as the letter, of that amendment than 
in the way our drug laws are written 
and enforced 

"This is obvious in the sharp differ- 
ences in the penalties meted out for 
crack as opposed to cocaine powder. 
Crack, formed by boiling cocaine pow- 
der with baking soda, is a drug used 
mostly by blacks, who, according to 1992 
statistics from the U.S. Sentencing Com- 
mission, accounted for 92 percent of the 
defendants in the 2900 crack-cocaine 
cases studied. A mere three percent of 
the defendants were white. The use of 
powdered cocaine is most predominant 
among whites, and the biggest group 
caught using it is white. 

The chemical makeup of these two 
forms of cocaine is essentially the same; 
their physical effects depend on the 
manner of ingestion. Powdered cocaine 
that is shot into the bloodstream, an in- 
creasingly popular method, is at least as 
addictive as crack, which is smoked. The 
difference between the two is cultural 
and economic: Crack is casier to market. 
їп small quantities on the street corners 
of the ghetto. 

Wouldn't you know it—the penalty for 
possessing a gram of crack is the same as 
it is for 100 grams of powdered cocaine. 
Because of this sentencing madness, the 
so-called war on drugs has become a war 
on the black community, and a genera- 
tion of black youth are its prisoners. 

Federal guidelines mandate that a 
person caught with five grams of crack 
receive a um sentence of five years 
in jail, with a maximum of 20. But pos- 
session of five grams of powdered co- 
caine carries no mandatory sentence and 
is treated as a misdemeanor with a max- 
imum penalty of one year. 

That may be why Supreme Court Jus- 
tice Anthony Kennedy said, in testifying 
before Congress last year: “I simply do 
not see how Congress can be satisfied 
with the results of mandatory minimums 
for possession of crack cocaine." But 
Congress has never proved rational on 
any part of the drug issue. 

The mandatory sentencing law on 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


crack was passed in 1986 in response to 
the crack-related death of Len Bias, a 
University of Maryland basketball player 
and the Boston Celtics’ first-round draft 
pick. In the heat of that moment, Speak- 
er of the House Tip O'Neill, who repre- 
sented Boston, got the law added to the 
new crime bill after only three and a half 
hours of discussion on the floor of the 
House. There had not been a single 
committee hearing on the complex is- 
sues involved. No expert witnesses were 
heard, no scientific evidence evaluated, 
no effect on the community assessed. 
Had congressional members stopped to 
listen to the experts, they might have 
learned that the assertion that crack is 
far more dangerous than other drugs is 
invalid. 

Research has shown that crack addic- 
tion is no more difficult to treat than ad- 
diction to any other drug. Richard Raw- 
son, who runs a much commended drug 
rehab program in Beverly Hills, report- 
ed in a study for the Heritage Founda- 
tion: "Cocaine addiction is in many ways 
easier to overcome than alcoholism or 
heroin addiction, or even nicotine addic- 
tion.” And in treating cocaine addicts, 
Rawson has found little distinction be- 
tween crack and powdered cocaine. 

This doesn't mean crack is a good 
thing. But the hysteria surrounding it 
has resulted in an illogical and harmful 
sentencing policy. 

This glaring discrepancy in the law 
has been condemned by many drug ex- 
perts. For more than a year, the U.S. 
Sentencing Commission, an indepen- 
dent agency created by Congress, has sat 
on a report that challenges this unjust 
aspect of the fight against drugs. 

"This most thorough study to date con- 
cludes that crack should be treated no 
differently than other forms of cocaine 
and denies that it is the cause of an up- 
surge in violent crime. According to a 
draft copy obtained by the Atlanta Jour- 
nal and Constitution: “Homicide rates re- 
portedly have remained fairly stable 
during this century and have not 
creased uniformly in heavily crack-in- 
volved cities." 

After demolishing the arguments for 
treating crack more harshly than pow- 
dered cocaine, the first draft recom- 
mends two options: Reduce the penalty 


for crack to that for powdered cocaine, 
or, if political considerations require 
some harsher penalty, make it five times 
stiffer. But those recommendations were 
dropped under pressure from the Jus- 
tice Department. 

Because of the political climate, the re- 
port was not released in time to affect the 
debate on last year's crime bill. Further 
study of the matter was mandated, and a 
report was supposed to be issued by the 
end of 1994. Then that report, too, was 
delayed. In the telltale words ofone Sen- 
tencing Commission staffer, "Any talk 
of lowering drug penalties is just too 
controversial.” 

Eric Sterling was counsel to the House 
Judiciary Subcommittee on Crime when 
the crack amendment was passed. “It 
was sheer panic. Everyone felt that the 
spotlight for solving the drug crisis was 
on them. And if it wasn't, they wanted it 
g told The Boston Globe. Не 
added: "In some sense, legislators 
viewed the crack epidemic the same way 
the Germans saw the Jews. If only they 
covld get rid of the people who use 
crack, then we would have a better soci- 
ety. All of our other problems would go 
away. The crime bill was the distillation 
of every fear, anger and resentment that. 
members of Congress felt about their 
impotence to solve the scary things 
in life." 

That, in a nutshell, is what is wrong 
with the entire war on drugs, of which 
the crack offensive is the most extreme 
injustice. In our zeal to find a scapegoat 
for the larger problems of this society— 
joblessness, alienation, the breakup of 
the family—we have focused on a drug 
itself rather than on the reasons people 
use it. 

It is time we ended the hysteria and 
began treating drug abuse as a social and 
medical problem. As a start, Congress 
should demand that the taxpayer-fund- 
ed Sentencing Commission disclose the 
findings of its original report on crack 
and use them as a basis for making the 
laws more rational. Maybe the new Re- 
publican majority could get behind this 
and heed the call of its libertarian anti- 
big-government heritage. Hysteria is not 
cost-effective, and leads only to more 
government and bad policy. 


49 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: 


a candid conversation 


DAVID MAMET 


with america's foremost dramatist about tough 
talk, to violence, women and why government shouldn't fund the arts 


In a joke that made the rounds not long 
ago, a beggar in New York City's theater dis- 
trict approaches a well-dressed man for a 
handout. “Neither a beggar nor a borrower 
be,” the man says sanctimoniously. “William 
Shakespeare. 

“Yeah?” the beggar fires back. “Well, fuck 
you. David Mamet.” 

It is a measure of Mamet's influence that 
he could claim title to that line. 

But even if somebody else (Shakespeare, 
maybe) said it first, nobody has said it better, 
or put it in а more secure context, than 
David Mamet—playwright, essayist, novel- 
ist, scriptwriter and director. If Arthur Mil- 
ler is to be remembered Jor his plays about the 
sorrows of capitalism—"Death of a Sales- 
man”—and the wilch-hunting side of the 
American character—"The Crucible” —then 
Mamet has been bold enough to take on those 
same themes in a raw, bare-knuckled fashion 
in two of his best-known plays—“Glengarry 
Glen Ross” and “Oleanna.” The latter play 
touched a hot wire to the already nervous is- 
sue of sexual harassment in America, The 
public responded viscerally, even physically. 
Shouting matches and fistfights broke out in 
some audiences. To anyone who has followed 
Mamet's career, this was both surprising and 
predictable, Ut is never certain where Mamet 


“Con men are fascinating people. Гое al- 
ways been interested in the continuum that 
starts with charm and ends with psychopa- 
thy. Con artists deal in human nature, and 
what they do is like hypnosis.” 


will go next, only that the next move will be 
ambitious and that it will strike at the heart. 

Mamet was born in 1947 to Jewish par- 
ents who divorced when he was young, and 
he was raised in Chicago. Mamet's father 
was a labor lawyer. His stepfather was—ac- 
cording to Mamet's own writings—a heart- 
less and sometimes violent man. As a young 
boy, Mamet was exposed to the sort of cruel- 
ties that are prevalent in his work. Asked 
once where he picked up his ear for abusive, 
obscene talk, Mamet answered, “In my fami- 
ly, in the days prior to television, we liked to 
while away the evenings by making ourselves 
miserable, based solely on our ability to speak 
the language viciously. That's probably 
where my ability was honed.” 

He was also exposed to the theater at a 
young age as a child actor (he once danced 
onstage with Maurice Chevalier). Although 
he was, by his own estimation, “the worst ac- 
tor in the history of theater,” he spent most 
of his college years at Goddard (which he 
dismisses ах “intellectual summer camp"), 
hanging around the campus theater. That 
was the advent of Mamet the playwright. 

First, however, there were jobs that exposed 
him to life as it is lived away from the sub- 
urbs. He cooked on a merchant ship in the 
Great Lakes, drove a cab, sold rugs and real 


“I stopped talking to the press because I just 
didn't know how to answer most of the ques- 
tions. And my inability was seen as reluc- 
tance or coyness. 1 thought, Why should 1 
subject myself to that? And so I quit.” 


estate and even did a short stint as an edi- 
tor, writing copy for the pictorial features in 
PLAYBOYS sister publication, "Oui." During 
these years, however, his focus remained on 
the theater. In 1975, when Mamet was 27, 
he announced his arrival, emphatically, with 
“American Buffalo." 

That play, like all of Mamet's work, was 
full of the kind of rough talk that people were 
unaccustomed to hearing onstage. Brutal, 
elliptical and obscene, it sounded like the 
streets (or the pawnshop, which was its set- 
ting)—omly different. loquent stammer- 
ing” was the way Mamet’s dialogue was de- 
scribed by one of the many critics who have 
tried to parse his language. That David 
Mamet was a unique and disturbing new 
voice seemed undeniable. 

And if anyone wanted to deny it, they were 
quickly disabused by the body of work piled 
up: “Glengarry Glen Ross” (for which he 
won both a Pulitzer Prize and the New York 
Drama Critics! Circle Award), “Speed-the- 
Plow” and “Oleanna,” among others 

In the late Seventies, after his play “Lone 
Canoe” was less than generously reviewed, he 
wrote the screenplays for “The Postman AL 
ways Rings Twice” and “The Verdict.” This 
initial exposure to film led Mamet to direct 
his own projecis—"Homicide” and “House 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY HENRY HORNSTEIN 
“You can't say that Wayne Newton's head is 
too small. Or that Richard Simmons is too 
pudgy. Other than that, you can say any- 
thing so long as you don't mean it. If you 
mean й, you're in a lot of trouble.” 


51 


PLAÁAYVEOY 


of Games," starring Lindsay Crouse, whom 
he had married in 1977. They were divorced 
in 1990. Mamet also wrote the screenplays 
for “Hoffa” and “The Untouchables” as well 
аз an episode of “Hill Street Blues.” 

In addition, Mamet has written а book of 
poems (“The Hero Pony"), three collections 
of essays (“Writing in Restaurants,” “Some 
Freaks” and “The Cabin”), a children's 
book, “Warm and Cold,” with illustrations 
by Donald Sultan, and a novel (“The Vil- 
lage"). Mamet's private life is of a distinc- 
tively masculine nature. Though his plays 
are set in the rough, crowded, contemporary 
urban world, Mamet lives in rural Vermont 
in an old farmhouse with his wife, actress 
and singer Rebecca Pidgeon. He is known to 
collect guns and knives, to hunt and to play 
serious poker. Facile comparisons to Hem- 
inguay follow Mamet, who does not bother to 
refute them. He has, in mid-career, stopped 
giving interviews. (He used to send out a 
form letter to people who wrote objecting to 
the language or violence in his plays. The 
letter read: “Too bad, you big crybaby.") 

Mamet did agree, however, to a “Playboy 
Interview” late last summer in Massachu- 
selts. He was editing the final cut of the film 
“Oleanna.” Geoffrey Norman and PLAYBOY 
Assistant Managing Editor John Rezek con- 
ducted the interview. Their report: 

“Mamet met us punctually at nine A.M. on 
the third floor of a walk-up where he works, 
a block or two from the Harvard campus. He 
looked fit and alert but more the scholar than 
the macho man of reputation. The office was 
a working space with theater posters on the 
walls and books on the shelves. Before we 
started, Mamet, who had just started drink- 
ing it again, sent out for what he said was 
the ‘best coffee in Cambridge.’ While we 
waited for it to arrive, we made small talk 
and were struck that this man who is known 
for the rawness of his dialogue would speak 
so softly, and so deferentially. What surprises 
you is that Mamet is flawlessly polite, border- 
ing on the courtly. He reminisced affection- 
ately about Chicago and then described his 
labors on the film version of ‘Oleanna,’ 
controversial play (he has been called a 
cious misogynist’ and ‘politically irrespon 
ble’ for writing it). When the coffee arrived 
(it was as good as advertised), it seemed like 
а good time to switch on the tape recorder. In 
three days of discursive conversation, Mamet 
spohe al times with the crude wit of his best 
characters and at others with an informed, 
recondite precision. He quotes a wide range 
of writers; some, such as Kipling and Veblen, 
are long out of fashion. His answers were 
sometimes enigmatic, occasionally evasive, 
often elaborate, frequently funny. David 
Mamet, people might be surprised to learn, 
is a very funny man. He likes jokes and he 
loves show-business stories, which he tells 
with relish. 

“But he is also deeply serious about his 
work, We began our talk by asking about 
‘Oleanna’ and the storms it generated.” 


PLAYBOY: Your film Oleanna—and the 


52 play—pushed the culture's hot buttons, 


with a man and woman winding up, lit- 
erally, each at the other's throat. Why is 
there such tension between the sexes? 
MAMET: This has always been a puritan 
country and we've always been terrified 
of sex. That terror takes different forms. 
Sometimes it is overindulgence and, of 
course, at other times it's the opposite. 
PLAYBOY: Why should this be a time of 
repression? 

MAMET: For one thing, there is economic 
scarcity. People tend to get cranky when 
there aren't so many jobs to go around. 
Also, I think our expectations are scram- 
bled. Sexual drive is designed to make 
sure the species will survive, as much as 
we fight the fact. But for young people 
today, it is very difficult to say, “Fine, ei- 
ther with you this year or with someone 
else next year, I'm going to get married, 
‚ get a job, settle down and 
t's terrifying for them to say 
that. They can't get married. There 
aren'tany jobs. They can't buy the house 
and have the dog named Randy. Our ex- 
pectations have become greater than our 
ability to meet them. 

о the alternative is the kind of 


I don't believe the 
theater is a good venue 
for political argument. 
Not because it's wrong, 


but because it doesn’t work. 


antagonism we see between the sexes? 
MAMET: Alternatives are going to emerge. 
In the Seventies and Eighties, there was 
the notion of continual romantic in- 
volvement. You said, "I don't want to get 
married; I just want to go out there and 
have a good time.” ‘That worked for a 
while and then, suddenly, it didn't seem 
like such a good idea anymore. Back in 
the Sixties or Seventies, National Lam- 
poon published a story of a rumor about 
a new strain of the clap that guys 
brought back from Vietnam. If you got 
it, you died. Very funny. 

So now you can't become committed 
to somebody because you can't support a 
family, and recreational sex is out be- 
cause AIDS might kill you. As a result, 
society is going to bring us to some sort 
of intermediary mechanism, something 
to keep people wary about getting in 
volved with each other. Here it comes— 
sexual harassment. The culture has to 
supersede. Alternatives will emerge to 
take the problem off our shoulders. 

“Gee, what does she want of me?" It's 
a rhetorical question. It means, “1 don't 
understand, better back off." On the oth- 


er hand, "I need him to be тоге sensi- 
tive to me." That's poetry. It doesn't 
mean anything. It means, "I'd better 
back off because of my fear." 

PLAYBOY: Your timing with Oleanna was 
perfect. When the play was first per- 
formed, sexual harassment was probably 
the most incendiary issue around. Were 
you influenced by the Clarence Thomas 
hearings? 

MAMET: No. 1 didn't follow those hear- 
ings, actually. It was weird. I wrote the 
play before the hearings and I stuck it in 
a drawer. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

MAMET: Two reasons. First, I didn’t have 
a last act. Second, when I wrote the play, 
it seemed a little farfetched to me. And 
then the Thomas hearings began and 1 
took the play out of the drawer and 
started working on it again. One of the 
first people to see the play was a head- 
master at a very good school here in 
Cambridge. He said to me, “Eighteen 
months ago, 1 would have said this play 
was fantasy. But now, when all the head- 
masters get together at conferences, we 
whisper to one another, 'You know, all of 
us are only one dime away from the end 
ofa career.” 

PLAYBOY: Was that a typical response? 
MAMET: There was a great deal of contro- 
versy at a level Гуе never encountered 
in the theater. In the audience, people 
got into shouting matches and fistfights. 
People stood up and screamed “Oh bull- 
shit” at the stage before they realized 
they’d done it. A couple of people got a 
litle crazy and lost their composure. 
PLAYBOY: So it isn't a good date play? 
MAMET: It is a terrible date play. But 1 
never really saw it as a play about sexual 
harassment. | think the issue was, to a 
large extent, a flag of convenience for a 
play that’s structured as a tragedy. Just 
like the issues of race relations and xeno- 
phobia are flags of convenience for 
Othello. It doesn't have anything to do 
with race. This play—and the film—is a 
tragedy about power. These are two peo- 
ple with a lot to say to each other, with le- 
gitimate affection for each other. But 
protecting their positions becomes more 
important than pursuing their own best 
interests. And that leads them down the 
slippery slope to a point where, at the 
end of the play, they tear each other's 
throat out. My plays are not political. 
They're dramatic. I don't believe that 
the theater is a good venue for political 
argument. Not because it is wrong, but 
because it doesn't work very well. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think you can under- 
stand and empathize with the female 
point of view in this hostile climate? Your 
critics would say your point of view is al- 
most exclusively male. Cheap shot? 
MAMET: Not cheap, but inaccurate. Take 
Olcanna, for instance, the points she 
makes about power and privilege—I be- 
lieve them all. If I didn’t believe them, 


the play wouldn't work as мей. It is a 
play about two people. and each per- 
son's point of view is correct. Yet they 
end up destroying each other. 

PLAYBOY: So it is possible, then, that Anita 
Hill and Clarence Thomas were both 
telling the truth? 

MANET: Yeah, sure. You know, the whole 
notion of American jurisprudence is that 
you can't determine who is telling the 
truth. That's not the job ofthe jury. The 
jury is supposed to decide which side has 
made the best case. Polls—which are re- 
placing the judicial system as the way we 
settle disputes—are no better. 

PLAYBOY: But they do provide clarity, 
which some critics find lacking in your 
work. They find your dialogue almost 
intentionally obscure. What do you say 
to them? 

MAMET: First of all, I'd like to thank them 
for their interest in my work. 

PLAYBOY: Then? 

MAMET: Then, I suppose, I'd like them to 
think about Oleanna. They say the play is 
“undear,” and it occurs to me that what 
they mean is "provocative." That rather 
than sending the audience out whistling 
over the tidy moral of the play, it leaves 
them unsettled. I've noticed over the 
past 30 years that a lot of what passes in 
the theater is not drama but rather a 
morality tale. "Go thou now and do like- 
wise.” That's very comforting to some- 
one who is concerned or upset. When 


you leave the theater and you say, "Oh, 
now I get it. Women are people, too." 
Or, “Now I get it, handicapped people 
have rights," then you feel very soothed 
for the amount of time it takes you to get 
to your car. Then you forget about the 
play. If, on the other hand, you leave the 
theater upset, you might have seen a rot- 
ten play. Or, you might be provoked be 

cause something was suggested that you 
could not have known when you came 
into the theater. Aristotle said we should 
see something at the end of tragedy that 
is surprising and inevitable. 

PLAYBOY: But while your structure is clas- 
sical, the speech is entirely modern and 
urban, and, some critics have said, free 
of content. How do you get your charac- 
ters to convey anything? 

MAMET: There is always content in what's 
being said. That content is not necessar- 
ily carried by the context of the words. 
"There has never been a conversation 
without content. If you're in a room 
where a lot of people are talking with 
one another and you can't hear a word 
of what's being said, you can still tell 
what the people are saying because their 
intent communicates itself. 

One of the things I learned when I 
studied acting is that the content of what 
is being said is rarely carried by the con- 
notation of the words. It is carried by the 
rhythm of the speech and the posture of 
the speaker and a lot of other things. АП 


conversations have meaning. 
PLAYBOY: Do men and women use speech 
differently? 

MAMET: Probably. But men talk different- 
ly to other men under different circum- 
stances. Conversations with their peers 
in a bar vary from conversations with 
strangers in a bar. No one ever talks ex- 
cept to accomplish an objective. This ob- 
jective changes according to the sex of 
the person, the age of the person, the 
time of day. Everybody uses language for 
his or her own purpose to get what he or 
she wants. I think the notion that every- 
one can be everything to everybody at all 
times is a big fat bore. Men have always 
talked with one another. I find it inter- 
esting that in the past five or six years, 
women have started talking with one an- 
other. It's called “consciousness-raising,” 
whereas men talking with one another is 
called "bonding." 

PLAYBOY: Is the rough, profane talk char- 
acteristic of your plays an exclusively 
male language? 

MAMET: Anyone who would think that ap- 
parently hasn't met my sister [screen- 
writer Lynn Mamet Weisberg]. I have 
never found the issue of profanity to 
be very important. In the plays I was 
writing, that's how the people actually 
spoke. It would have been different if 
I had been writing bedroom farce. But 
I wasn't. I was writing about different 
kinds of people, people whom 1 knew 


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something about. 

PLAYBOY: Including con men. 

MAMET: Absolutely. 

PLAYBOY: The con game is one of the 
fixtures in your work. What's behind 
your fascination with the con? 

MAMET: Well, I have spent some time 
around con men, and they are fascinat- 
ing people. I've always been interested 
in the continuum that starts with charm 
and ends with psychopathy. Con artists 
deal in human nature, and what they 
do is all in the realm of suggestion. It is 
like hypnosis or, to a certain extent, like 
playwriting. 

PLAYBOY: How? 

MAMET: Part of the art of the play is to in- 
troduce information in such a way, and 
at such a time, that the people in the au- 
dience don't realize they have been giv- 
en information. They accept it as a mat- 
ter of course, but they aren't really aware 
of it so that later on, thc information 
pays off. It has been consciously planted 
by the author. 

PLAYBOY: And he is working a con? 
MAMET: Right. Now, in a bad play, the 
author will introduce the information 
frontally. You actually tell the audience 
that you are about to give them some in- 
formation and that it is important to 
what happens later in the play. In a good 
play, the information is delivered almost 
as an aside. The same mechanism holds 
true in the con game. If you're giving 
the mark information that he—or she, in 
the case ofa film of mine called House of 
Games—is going to need in order to be 
taken advantage of, and you don't want 
him to know that he has been given the 
information, then you would bring it in 
through the back door. Let's say my 
partner and I are taking you to the 
Cleaners. The three of us are talking and 
my partner and I get into an argument. 
We start saying things that you aren't 
supposed to hear. I say to you, "Excuse 
me for a second, I'm sorry about this, 
and blah, blah, blah." Then I take my 
partner aside and we start screaming at 
each other, really out of control, You 
have not only been given information, 
you've been told to please look the other 
way. Well, that is going to put your mind 
on afterburner. Later you use that infor- 
mation, which you think you got acci- 
dentally, to put together what you think 
are the pieces. 

PLAYBOY: A useful skill, then? 

MANET: Sure. The con game is what peo- 
ple do, most of the time, with few excep- 
tions. After we reach a certain economic 
level, we try to say that we're no longer 
trying to talk you out of your money. 
We're doing “investment banking" or 
we've gota film “in development.” 
PLAYBOY: Films in development isa world 
you know something about. You've writ- 
ten scripts and directed films. 

MANET: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: And used Hollywood as mate- 


se rial in your play Speed-the-Plow, which 


painted a pretty bleak picture of a world 
where the con is everything. 
MAMET: Well, any business will eventually 


of the process is any kind of boom. If you 
get a boom, certain myths will crystallize 
around that success and cause eventual 
failure. If you get a boom in American 
virtue, like you did in World War Two 
when the citizen-soldiers of this country 
flat-out saved the world from Nazism, it 
is inevitable that you are going to have a 
military-industrial complex and wind up 
fighting a whole bunch of wars because 
you want to find a place to be virtuous 
again. Vietnam was the inevitable out- 
come of D day. We had the golden age of 
cinema and the consequences of it. 
PLAYBOY: This sense of corruption was 
almost overwhelming in Speed-the-Plow. 
Because this is a world you know, was 
there some personal malice reflected in 
the play? 

MAMET: Not nearly enough. 

PLAYBOY: 15 your work in movies a way to 
make money or a way to do interesting 
things? 

MAMET: Well, both. I love making movies. 


After we reach a certain 
economic level, we're no 
longer trying to talk you out 
of your money. We're doing 


“investment banking.” 


I love writing them and 1 love direct- 
ing them. 

PLAYBOY: At the end of the day, do you 
ever get a sense that you should go back 
to your room and to your real work, 
whichis writing plays; that maybe movie- 
making is a lesser form? 

MAMET: 1 don't think it is a lesser form. I 
do, however, feel absolutely that the the- 
ater is my real work, and when I'm mak- 
ing movies I sometimes feel like I'm 
playing hooky. I'm like the pilot flying 
multimillion-dollar airplanes, landing 
them on aircraft carriers, and when he 
gets out of the cockpit he says, "And they 
pay me to do this, the fools." 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel like you have to cul- 
tivate that part of your career fairly as- 
siduously? Or can you stay in Vermont 
and write plays and go back to films 
when the spirit moves you? 

MAMET: I think I am hanging on by my 
fingernails. But I also think most people 
feel the same way out there and don't 
show it. And I do spend a lot of time in 
Vermont. 

PLAYBOY: In the theater—as a writer and 
a director—you worked with the same 


tight core group of actors. Has it been 
tougher in movies, with the kind of egos 
you find there? 

MAMET: I've heard all the stories about 
big egos, but I have never encountered 
them myself. Maybe if I stay in the busi- 
ness long enough, I will. But I think it 
might be a bum rap. I've found on 
movie sets the most hardworking people 
I've ever seen. There is an ethic of help 
out, pitch in, get the job done, keep qui- 
et about how hart is to do. Itis kind of 
the modern equivalent of a cattle drive. 
I'm sure there are bad apples. You'll find 
that in any business. 

PLAYBOY: You like actors, then? 

MAMET: They are absolutely the most in- 
teresting people I know. I loved hanging 
around them when I was young and I 
still love having them for friends. I'm es- 
pecially lucky that way. 

PLAYBOY: You've written scripts that were 
altered and, when the movies were final- 
ly made, had other people's names on 
them. Do you resent that your own work 
wasn't accepted? 

MAMET: Sure, of course. Like everybody 
else in the world, I would like everything 
to be exactly my way all the time. You 
know that old line about the scriptwriter 
who gives something to somebody to 
read. It's a first draft, and he's looking 
for a reaction. “Tell me,” he says, “how 
much do you love it?” 

PLAYBOY: Is there any story you especial- 
ly want to do? 

MAMET: Oh yeah. There's one project 1 
want to do. A Hemingway novel—Across 
the River and Into the Trees. Y was talking 
with some of the people who have the 
rights and I finally figured out a way to 
do the movie. It isn't one of Heming- 
way's better novels, but that could work 
in its favor. Somebody once told me that 
the better a play is, the worse the movie 
version will be. 1 think the same may be 
true of the novel. 

PLAYBOY: Like a lot of other American 
writers, you have been compared to 
Hemingway. 

MAMET: A heavy, impossible burden. You 
know, you can't play Stanley Kowalski 
without being compared to Marlon 
Brando—even by people who never saw 
Marlon Brando in the movie, let alone 
onstage. He revolutionized that role and 
the American notion of what it meant to 
act. The same is true of Hemingway and 
writing. 

PLAYBOY: Any validity to the Hemingway 
comparisons? 

MAMET: No, 1 don't think so. 

PLAYBOY: The way you live? Your interest 
in hunting and guns? 

MAMET: 1 have always felt that my private 
life is nobody's business except my own 
and, of course, that of the readers of this 
magazine. 

PLAYBOY: What is the most curious de- 
scription of yourself that you've read? 
MAMET: I read only the good stuff. But 
seriously, there is a kind of flawed 


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thinking in the world today that has to 
do with celebrity, with the idea that there 
are special people who are somehow dif- 
ferent from the rest of us, who lack the 
usual human weaknesses. So inevitably 
we revere them and then, when we get 
closer, we are disappointed by them and 
turn on them. We're all the same. That's 
why I stopped doing the press. Until this 
interview. 

In one of my last interviews I ex- 
plained that 1 didn't like talking to the 
press because it made me feel stupid. 

The interviewer said to me, "That is 
ridiculous." 

I said, "See." 

I stopped talking to the press because 
I just didn't know how to answer most of 
the questions. And my inability was seen 
as reluctance or coyness. | thought, Why 
should | subject myself to that? And so 
I quit. 

PLAYBOY: Perhaps celebrities are no dif- 
ferent from the rest of us. But don't peo- 
ple develop unique skills? Doesn't your 
gift for dialogue give you a better-than- 
average ability to size up people from 
what they say? To tell, for instance, when. 
they are lying? 

MAMET: | have a good sense of what peo- 
ple are like and when they are lying. Ex- 
cept when I'm emotionally involved. 
Then, like everyone else, 1 am hopeless. 
PLAYBOY: How do you see through a lie— 
ora con? 

MAMET: There are dues—they are called 
"tells," because they tell you something. 

PLAYBOY What are some examples be- 
tween men and women? 

MAMET: We see them all the time but 
sometimes we choose not to because 
we're emotionally involved. It is in our 
interest to disregard the fact that some- 
one was late, forgot a telephone number, 
got the wrong size or forgot a birthday 

But these are things most of us know. 
Or, if we don't, you can't learn them 
from me. I think it's natural that when 
someone has a little notoriety, we start to 
assign certain magical attributes to him 
that just aren't true. People say to me, 
“Can you tell us about the art of play- 
writing?" I say it isn't an art, it is a trick. 
There are no magic properties that go 
with a little publicity. 

PLAYBOY: People nevertheless find fame 
to be irresistible. 

MAMET: Absolutely. Let me tell you my fa- 
vorite story about that. Gregory Mosher 
is flying from Chicago to New York be- 
cause he's casting a play and he wants to 
see Rex Harrison. The plane is late and 
he gets in the cab and says, "47th and 
Broadway, I'm going to the theater.” 

So the cabdriver says, “What are you 
going to see?” 

And Mosher tells him. 

"Who's in it?" the cabdriver asks. 

"Rex Harrison and Claudette Col- 
bert." The driver stands on the brakes, 
pulls over to the side, turns around in 
the seat and says, "Claudette Colbert? 


Claudette Colbert? I fucked her maid.” 
‘That is absolutely my favorite theatri- 
cal story. 
PLAYBOY: If celebrity is a current Ameri- 
can obsession, then violence is another. 
Do you think that we live in more violent 
times? 
MAMET: More violent than what? The 
world is a very violent place. It always 
has been. Why is it a violent place? Be- 
cause human beings are wired with a 


touchy survival mechanism that goes off 


very easily. 
PLAYBOY: What is your personal response 
to actual flesh-and-blood violence? То a 
fistfight on the street, perhaps 

MAMET: Well, it's pretty shocking, isn't it? 
Not at all what we've been led to expect. 
PLAYBOY: Are you at- 


One person is a man and one person 
is a woman. Two people in opposition. 
That's what drama means. I sincerely 
believe that my job as a dramatist is to 
explicate human interactions in such a 
way that an artistic—not mechanical but 
artistic—synthesis can happen. 

It is just dead wrong to suggest that 
my work incites—or supports—violence. 
My job is exactly to the contrary. My job 
is to show human interactions in such a 
way that the synthesis an audience takes 
away will perhaps lead to a greater hu- 
manity, a greater understanding of hu- 
man motives. I don't know how success- 
ful I am at it, but that absolutely is 
my job. If the net effect is otherwise, 
h I don't think that it is, then they 


films and on television? 
MAMET: Sure. 
PLAYBOY: There are serious sugges- 
tions—from the attorney general, 
among others—that society needs to 
control the depiction of violence. Could 
you live with that? 
MAMET: The question, of course, be- 
comes, What is violence and who gets to 
say so? It is a serious question when the 
community standard gets so broad. Any 
law is going to be interpreted by com- 
munity standards, because people aren't 
machines. Laws probably work as long 
as we have a community that under- 
stands them in more or less the same 
way, or is willing to trust one another to 
interpret them ad hoc. When you don't 
have that community, 


it's like the blind men 


tracted to violence? 
In prizefights, say? 


Or bullfighting? 


trying to describe an 
elephant. 


PLAYBOY: What if thc 


MAMET: No. Гус nev- 


er been. 

PLAYBOY: Do you con- 
sider your work to be 
violent? 

MAMET: Violent? No. 
PLAYBOY: As an artist, 
do you find it more 
challenging to deal 
with the evil and vi 
lent side of human 
nature? In your 
script for The Un- 
touchables, the Al 


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her team could iden- 
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unacceptably violent 
content? Would it be 
helpful for them to 
eliminate it? 

MAMET: Once you set 
up a czarship of any 
kind, rest assured 
that however brilliant 
the original people 
are, those who come 


e 


Capone characer— 
played by Robert De 
Niro—stole the 
movie from Kevin 
Costner's Eliot Ness. 
MAMET Drama can't 
be about nice things 
happening to nice 


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after will be swine. 
That's the way it 
works. 

The problem is, 
who's going to decide 
and what are his or 
her qualifications? 
There was a story in 


people. Anyone who 
has ever been around 
gangsters knows that 


the papers recently 
about a fellow who 
calls himselfa perfor- 


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they're sentimental. 
Generous. They are 
interesting to write 
about, interesting to 
create. 

PLAYBOY. In your work, women are fre- 
quently the victims of violence, begin- 
ning with the violent seduction in The 
Postman Always Rings Тилсе- 
MAMET: I should point out here that what 
I wrote for that scene was, “They kiss." 
PLAYBOY: The tabletop scene—you didn't 
write that? 

MANET: "They kiss.” 

PLAYBOY: OK. But there is a pattern in 
your work. Paul Newman decks Char- 
lotte Rampling in The Verdict and now, in 
Oleanna— 

MAMET: Look, vou mention Oleanna. Peo- 
ple might want to know why these two 
characters are at each other's throat. 
Well, you have a two-character drama. 


should throw me in jail. 

PLAYBOY: Are the best American charac- 
ters people who get things done by vio- 
lent means? Capone and the gangsters. 
Нова. Gunfighters in a Western. 

MAMET: Well, that’s the American myth. 
See it and take it. 

PLAYBOY: Going all the way back to The 
Deerslayer and other Cooper novels? 
MAMET: It goes back as far as America. 
See it and take it. There's nobody there, 
boys, jump in and take what you want. 
Manifest Destiny. I mean, Lord have 
mercy, if Manifest Destiny to take 
over the country from the Atlantic to the 
Pacific, what is that except pillage, plun- 
der and steal? 

PLAYBOY: Is there excessive violence in 


> Department 500745 mance art was, I'd 
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HIV-positive, and in 
his act he has an associate score his back 
with a scalpel and then press paper tow- 
els against the cuts to take blood impres- 
sions, which he hangs on a clothesline to 
dry. His performance is funded in small 
part by government money, and that has 
caused some controversy. Is it art? Hell, 
I don't know. And if I don't know, then 
Janet Reno sure doesn't know. 

PLAYBOY: OK. "Then if the government 
shouldn't be in the business of censoring 
expression, should it be in the business 
of supporting it? There is a lot of discus- 
sion about cutting off federal funding of 
the National Endowment for the Arts 
and the Public Broadcasting System. Do 
you think that this would be a disaster 
for the arts? 


59 


PLAYBOY 


60 


MAMET: Right. I'm going to say some- 
thing heretical. My experience has been 
that literal, actual art flourishes better 
without government support. On the 
other hand, having come up the hard 
way as everybody does in show business, 
it would be nice if some people could be 
helped. I'm torn between wanting to see 
them helped and wondering if the gov- 
ernment is the best way to do it. 1 mean, 
people object to the government's subsi- 
dizing—even a little—this fellow's per- 
formance art. Well, I object to a lot of the 
pablum that gets grant money. I think 
people who get that money would be 
better left to their own devices and even- 
tually to lapse back into the real estate 
business. 

PLAYBOY: Without public television, won't 
children be deprived of an alternative to 
repetitive violence, which some people 
say is the real threat? Doesn't the sheer 
number of killings they sec on the screen 
eventually desensitize them? 

MAMET: I don't buy it. The violence you 
see on television and the violence you 
see in real life have nothing to do with 
cach other. Even kids know it. The re- 
ports of violence in the news, on the 
other hand, may desensitize them. “Too 
much exposure to the O.J. Simpson case 
may desensitize them. The answer is, 
one does not have to watch television. 
PLAYBOY: You're a father. Is it part of your 
role as a parent to censor what your kids 
watch on television? 

MAMET: 1 don't think kids should watch 
television. Period. 

PLAYBOY: Not even Sesame Street? 

MAMET: Not even Sesame Street. And 1 love 
Sesame Street. 

PLAYBOY: Then what's the problem with 
kids watching it? 

MAMET: The problem isn't with Sesame 
Street. The problem is with television. If 
you aren't watching television, then you 
could be learning some other skill like 
carving wood, or even reading. 1 was 
talking with a friend of mine, a guy who 
is something of a scholar of show busi- 
ness, and I said, “I don't get television. 
I believe I understand certain things 
about the essential nature of live perfor- 
mance and the central nature of radio 
and movies. But I don't understand tele- 
vision." He said, "Television is essentially 
a medicine show." And he was right. For 
X minutes of supposed entertainment, 
television is going to have your auention 
for 30 seconds so it can sell you a bottle 
of snake oil. That is its essentia] nature. 
It'sa sales tool. 

PLAYBOY: Can't technology change that? 
With some cable channels, for instance, 
you have no ads. 

MAMET: No. Not at all. It's possible to 
have television without ads, but that 
doesn't alter its essential nature. You can 
describe a painting—a Renaissance mas- 
terpiece—on the radio and it ht have 
a certain amount of value. But it is not 
the best way to do painting. 


PLAYBOY: You've done some work for 
television. Didn't it change your opinion 
of the medium? 

MAMET: What is television's agenda? It is 
a tool to sell you products. What are the 
tools it uses? Guilt. Shame. Envy. It tells 
you to be like Ozzie and Harriet. I grew 
up in the first television generation and I 
spent a lot of time wondering why my 
life was so inferior to—and unlike—the 
lives 1 saw depicted on television. 
PLAYBOY: Which brings to mind the 
British reviewer who called you "one of 
our chicf critics of capitalism." 

MAMET: I don't think I was ever a critic of 
capitalism. I'm a dramatist. The drama 
is not a prescriptive medium. Part of 
what the drama can offer—because it 
should work on the subconscious level— 
is the relief that comes with addressing a 
subject previously thought unaddress- 
able. ГЇЇ give you an example. 

On the day John F. Kennedy was shot, 
Lenny Bruce was performing in San 
Francisco. Everybody was waiting to 
hear what Lenny Bruce would say. He 
came out onstage, shook his head and 
said nothing for five full minutes. Then 


What is television's agenda? 
It is a tool to sell you 
products. What are the 
tools it uses? Guilt. 
Shame. Envy. 


he looked up at the audience and said, 
“Vaughn Meader.” That was the comedi 
an who'd made his career out of imitat- 
ing one character—John Kennedy. Say- 
ing that—making that joke—was an 
incredible relief. Does that mean Lenny 
Bruce was insensitive to the terror and 
horror and tragedy inflicted on the 
country, on the Kennedy family? No. He 
was doing his job as a humorist and he 
was doing it bravely. 

Anything I might know about Ameri- 
can capitalism is not going to be found in 
a play. 

PLAYBOY: Just the same, your play—and 
film—Glengarry Glen Ross could be called 
an indictment of the kill-or-be-killed na- 
ture of business. 

MAMET: Yeah. Well, Robert Service said it 
best. He said there isn't a law of God or 
man that goes north of 10,000 bucks 
You know, money makes people cruel. 
Or has the capacity to do so. Human in- 
teractions—that's what 1 hope my plays 
are about. The rest of it is just a way to 
get somewhere. 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about money? 
Is it better to have money than not? 


MAMET: I'd say so. But you can get car- 
ried away. There's a story about Herb 
Gardner, who wrote A Thousand Clowns. 
First a play, then a movie. He's hot and 
his agent comes to him with a deal for a 
television show. Gardner thinks it's a 
dumb idea and says, “I don't want to do 
the show." The agent says, "Herb, listen, 
do this show and you'll never have to 
write another word." 

PLAYBOY: And? 

MAMET: Well, you have to ask yourself if 
that’s why you became a writer. So you'd 
never have to write another word? 

"There is another story. I was talking to 
a guy who'd been in the CIA and had an 
idea for a script. He said, “You know, 
you could probably make 50 million off 
this deal. For a half hour's work. 

I said, "Fifty million for halfan hour's 
work, huh? That works out to 4 billion a 
week, if you don't put in any overtime. 
That comes to 200 billion a year, if you 
take two weeks off for vacation." 

"Listen," this guy said, "when you're 
making that kind of money, you can't af- 
ford to take a vacation." 

PLAYBOY: All right. Getting back to earth 
here, you mentioned Lenny Bruce, who 
made his reputation by saying what 
couldn't be said. Is there anything left 
that you can't say? 

MAMET: You can't say Wayne Newton's 
head is too small. Or that Richard Sim- 
mons is too pudgy. Other than that, you 
can say anything. Or you can say any- 
thing you want so long as you don't 
mean it. If you mean it, you're in a lot of 
trouble. 

PLAYBOY Aren't we actually moving back, 
ina way, to a climate like the one that ex- 
isted during Lenny Bruce's time? Isn't 
that what some aspects of the political 
correctness оп American college cam- 
puses is all about, that there are some 
things you can't be allowed to say? 
MAMET: Well, sure, but I think centraliza- 
tion will do away with free speech before 
PC does. 

PLAYBOY: Centralization? 

MAMET: Sure. One day, three corpora- 
tions will own all the means of dissemi- 
nating public information. We'll have to 
get through their censors, who will make 
the PC kids look like mice. 

"There was a Russian dramatist who 
described working during the Stalin era. 
He had to sit down with this guy whose 
job was to censor plays for the Party. The 
guy would say, "You can't put this and 
that onstage,” and the playwright would 
say, “Sit down, for Christ’s sake. Have a 
cigar, have a drink, let me tell you what 
this play is about. Blah, blah, blah.” 

So the censor listens and says, “Well, 
OK, but I got to check it out with my 
boss. Tell you what, when the guy says so 
and so, in act three, take that out so І сап 
tell my boss.” 

And the playwright says, “Fine, I can 
live with that.” 


(continued on page 148) 


cioe { ER E ы > 1 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


A man who knows that a running river and the right companion make a perfect day even when the 
fish aren't biting. For him, a chilly trout stream can become a romantic discovery. He pursues an ac- 
tive lifestyle with one eye on tradition and the other on the high-tech tools of tomorrow. PLAYBOY 
readers spend more than $24 million on fishing equipment a year. They know that PLAYBOY is 
the right magazine for men who aren't afraid to get their feet wet. (Source: 1994 Spring MRI.) 


article by Betty Friedan 


ERB CALLED Annie at noon and said, "I'm taking the train home early. I have some- 
thing to tell you." When he got home he told her his job was over. He had been 
called in and told he was through. Just like that. In all his adult life he had nev- 
er worked for another company. Here he was, over 50, and he had no idea 
what he would do now, what he should do, where to start. He looked gray. It 
was as if the world had come to an end for him, but he was still alive. 
And Annie, my neighbor, told me about the depression, the numbness, 
the horror and the angina pains. Herb, who was a legend in the industry and who had 
made his company the pioneer it was, thought he was going to be there forever, and 
now he was paralyzed. Annie's reaction was different. She had been a model and a de- 
sign director and was now living full-time in a little country town taking care of two 
children she'd had late in life, making exotic flower arrangements for wealthy week- 
enders, helping her time-pressed executive sisters plan their daughters’ weddings. 
She had already learned to adapt to changing circumstances. 

"I'm not into that kind of long-term planning anymore,” she said. ^I used to have 
it all figured out. I'd finish my education in so many years. Make big money modeling 
for so many years and then switch to another career. Get married by such and such a 
time. Have children five years later. Take a short maternity leave from my job; hire a 
housekeeper and a nanny. 

"But after I had my first baby, all that tight-assed control just had to go. I've had to 
learn to take it as it comes. Гуе stopped planning years ahead. It's a relief, not having those 
long-term plans and constant worry when you can't meet them." 

When Herb lost his high-powered job, Annie was willing to pick up the kids and move, 


WOMEN OUTLIVE MEN, RIGHT? 
THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE AND 


THE REASONS WILL SURPRISE YOU 


„Why men сіе young. 


finding something to do in whatever city they ended up moving to. This turned out not to be 
necessary. A small rival agency asked Herb to redesign their graphics. But he still looked 
"gray in the face," Annie said. 

And I thought, there it is, that's why women live so much longer than men in Ameri- 

ca today. Maybe the younger men, who won't have—and who can't expect—the kind of 

straight-line, lifetime careers that came to such a traumatic end for Herb, will learn to live 

flexibly like Annie. Maybe they won't die eight years earlier than women as American 
men are dying today. 


It has bothered me for a long time that men die so much younger now than wom- 

en. Life expectancy for American women today is 80; for men, only 72. At the turn of 

the century, both men and women had an average life expectancy of 45 to 46 years. In 

all species, females have a slightly higher life expectancy than males. They are the ones 

who give birth; evidently their hardiness evolves for the survival of the species. But this 
increasing discrepancy between the life expectancies of men and women is a phenom- 
enon of this century. And perhaps it's a final remnant of society’s not taking women se- 
riously that the scientific research institutes don't spend billions of dollars to find out why. 

IfI were a man, Га get quite angry thinking about that. Why shouldn't men live as 

long as women? As a woman, I get angry thinking about it. My father died in his early 60s 
from heart disease. My mother buried her third husband at 70, turned her amateur card- 
playing skills into a professional career as a duplicate bridge manager and died at 90 only 
after a stupidly protective young doctor made her resign from that job and go into a nursing 


ond ey youl ОТ. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY DAVID WILCOX 


PLAYBOY 


home. In the past year alone, three 
men I loved, two around my own age, 
the other six years younger, died of 
heart disease, stroke and lung cancer. I 
miss them. I am lonely without them. 

As a woman, as a feminist, I feel no 
urge to gloat over the strengths-that- 
have-no-name that make women live 
longer. I want to ask seriously: Why 
shouldn't men live at least as long as 
women? Going back over my research 
for my book The Fountain of Age and 
thinking about the men ['ve inter- 
viewed, I've come up with some star- 
ting answers. If I'm right, men who 
are now in their 20s, 30s and 40s may 
not die as young as their fathers. The 
future Herbs may not have to go 
through his trauma. They are already 
being forced to learn the skills that may 
make them live longer. The changes in 
men's lives that are accelerating at this 
time—changes that seem threatening 
and not always welcome—may add up 
to a new kind of strength in men. 
These changes may make them more 
durable and more reliable than ma- 
chismo, may lead to longer life. And 
the woman-man equality that this en- 
tails will end the war between the sexes 
and will transcend the politically cor- 
rect feminist battle lines and masculine 
backlash that have preoccupied us in 
recent years. 


The research conducted over the 
past 20 years provides some clues. lt is 
remarkable how unprogrammed age 
deterioration seems to be, how variable 
from individual to individual, how 
much it seems to depend on what you 
do or don't do. Recent studies in Swe- 
den and in the U.S. have shown that 
deterioration and decline among wom- 
en and men don't show up until they 
are well into their 80s. 

Those men smoked. Those men ate 
a lot of red meat, eggs and butter. 
"Those men, in the increasingly com- 
ive, hierarchical white-collar bu- 
reaucracy of midcentury life, didn't ex- 
ercise. My mother played golf and 
tennis, taught us to swim and took ex- 
ercise classes when we were growing 
up. My father's only exercise was 
fishing on our annual two-week vaca- 
tion in Wisconsin. 

Competitiveness and greed caused 
an increasing number of men to die 
from heart disease in the quarter cen- 
tury after World War Two. The recent 
decline of this disease can be at least 
partly explained by the new conscious- 
ness of diet and exercise, by the new 
awareness that hard-driving, type A 
behavior makes one a candidate for 
heart disease and by the advent of the 
two-day weekend (my father worked in 


his store until after six o'clock every 
night and all day Saturday), But that 
female-male discrepancy remains. The 
amelioration of heart disease has 
turned out to be as great or greater for 
women, despite the predictions that 
once women took on those jobs and ca- 
reers that were driving men to early 
graves, women would also die younger. 
"They do пог. All that juggling seems 
only to strengthen women. 

The factors that contribute to long 
life, according to studies at the Nation- 
al Institutes of Health, are more com- 
plex. What separates those who live 
long, vital lives from those who deteri- 
orate with age are purposes, projects 
and bonds of intimacy. Work and love, 
as Freud said, are the basis of person- 
hood. Freud may have been wrong 
about women, but he wasn't wrong 
about everything. 

Since bonds that keep us human and 
purposes that usc our abilitics and 
keep us moving in society are so im- 
portant in the latter stages of life, it is 
clear why women have an advantage 
over men. Women, especially those 
who have lived through the enormous 
changes of the past 30 years, have had 
to keep reinventing their purposes and 
projects, reinventing their selves, in re- 
sponse to change. Psychologists and 
anthropologists: used to bemoan the 
iscontinuities” in women's lives: to 
have to move suddenly from tomboy to 
sweetheart, from college student or ca- 
reer woman to the isolation of house- 
wife and mother and then, with 
women's liberation, back to school, 
starting new careers in midlife or after 
the nest empties. In this generation, 
women are trying to have it all at once, 
or in sequence, with no clear lines or 
support from society on exactly how, or 
when, to do it all. 

For older women, age itself was just 
another change, a signal to reinvent 
oneself. It was also a basic part of their 
traditional strengths, and perhaps es- 
sential to survival of the species, that 
they had to be sensitive to change, had 
to keep responding to it as their chil- 
dren grew, as their men moved. They 
also had to respond to changes in their 
own bodies, such as menstruation and 
menopause. There's no question that 
women's zest, ability to love and desire 
to explore untried paths continues 
throughout midlife. 

On the other hand, masculinity was 
defined as the ability to knock down 
the other guy and keep ahead in one's 
career, to say nothing of standards of 
sexual potency or prowess. 

Irs men's dirty secret, which guys 
don't talk about much even with one 
another, how they feel when they can't 
knock down the other guy so easily, or 
get it up, as they head for 50 and be- 


yond. But what's no longer a secret is 
the increasing frustration, rage and de- 
pression felt by men in their 40s and 
50s who, because of company take- 
overs or downsizing, are suddenly out 
of a job and its security and benefits. 
Some men in their 60s are out of the 
work force for good because of “volun- 
tary” early retirement. 

Downsizing and forced retirements 
affect women too, but they have had 
more experience finding temporary 
and part-time jobs. They ve learned to 
create services and small businesses to 
help support themselves and their fam- 
ilies, or even moved into professional 
careers at midlife. In the face of age, 
adapting to the discontinuities that 
used to be considered handicaps for 
women turns out to be a strength. 

The research now shows that men 
and women who have single careers for 
their entire lives, no matter how pow- 
erful or successful, will not live as long 
or as vitally as those who have done 
more than one thing and have the flex- 
ibility nurtured by those changes. 

As for the ability to nurture, women 
have been trained for that task from 
the beginning. Not long ago, women 
were supposed to live for love alone, 
and were to be solely responsible for 
nurturing their children and aging 
parents. Recent research shows that ca- 
reer women today still take most of the 
responsibility for nurturing—which, it 
seems, cultivates a flexibility that en- 
ables them to live when most men have 
retired or died. 

But men are now sharing in that 
nurturing, though not yet equally. Men 
learning to nurture is the stock of 
movies, situation comedies and televi- 
sion series. There is such a focus on sin- 
gle dads, widowers and divorced men 
that actresses complain of no parts. 

In my generation, when a man's wife 
dies, the man is likely to die in the next 
two years unless he remarries. Then 
his life expectancy goes back to nor- 
mal. If he survives five years alone, his 
life expectancy also goes back to nor- 
mal. Evidently, he has by then acquired 
the skills of self-nurturing. When a wom- 
an's husband dies, she may grieve but 
she doesn't die. She has the elemental 
skills of survival and the flexibility to 
respond to change. She's not even nec- 
essarily interested in remarrying (“I've 
nursed one through already”), which is 
just as well. The men her age are either 
dead or turning in their wives of 40 
years for 20-year-olds and starting over 
again with new babies. 

The crucial life-extending element 
in bonds of intimacy is not necessarily 
sexual. It is the ability to “touch” an- 
other, to be your authentic self with an- 
other and be accepted. Research shows 

(continued on page 86) 


Somos 


“I missed your video camera when it was broken. When we made love 
it was like we were just rehearsing.” 


67 


68 


ап 


The Doctor Is In 


intimate session with our 
favorite therapist 


f Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., could give 

just one piece of advice to men and to 
women, this sex therapist would say 

the following: "Sex is about enjoying your- 
self, not putting on a show. Guys, get over 
the performance thing. And ladies, don't ex- 
pect your parmer to know how to touch 
your body and how to find its hot spots until 
you know how yourself." Simple 
erotic wisdom is Keesling's 
hallmark in a trade she 

has plied for more than 

a decade. At 39, she has 
worked as a sex surrogate, 
earned a doctorate in psy- 
chology, written three books 

on lovemaking and launched 

a sex therapy practice. Kees- 
ling now includes pLaysoy on 
her very sexy résumé. “When 
I wrote my latest book,” she says, “I hoped it 
might get me into PLavBOY. Looks like I was 
right.” Her first two sex guides could be con- 
sidered bedside primers. Sexual Healing, 
published in 1990, deals with treating sexu 
al dysfunctions, and 1993's Sexual Pleasure 
explores the female libido and sensuality for 
couples, Her latest manual, How to Make 
Love All Night (and Drive a Woman Wild), un- 
locks the secrets of prolonged sex, notably a 
man's ability to achieve what was once con- 
sidered an exclusively female treasure: mul- 
tiple orgasms. Already in its second printing, 
the book is only the latest chapter in Bar- 
bara's study of the joys of the flesh. "There's 
always something new to learn about sex," 


she says, "and always something new that 


feels good." Born in Pasadena, Barbara attended Catholic high 


school in Torrance, California, then headed straight into the job 


"People wont to know what | look for in a guy,” says Barbara. “That's 


simple: a mon who talks sexy to me and hos a very large . . . vocabulary 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


"When | was in high school,” 
says Barbara, “1 should have 
been elected Leost Likely to 
Appear in PLAYBOY magazine. 
I was a true geek—tall, skin- 
ny, thick glasses. | didn’t have 
sex then. Not that ! didn't 


wont to," she adds. "But after. 


a while you just stop trying." 


market. "I did six years with 
the Postal Service," she says, 
"but spent most of my time 
there thinking of ways to 
get out.” In 1980 she found 
one. While taking a course 
on human sexuality, Barbara 
learned about the sex surro- 
gate business, and before you 
could say, “What's up, Do 
she was getting naked with 
five clients a week. “I treated 
men by using touching exer- 
cises and hands-on counsel 
ing. And, no, I never found a 


client I was tempted to keep— 
though I must say they all 
came out pretty well.” Fificen 
years and three degrees later, 
Barbara now operates a coun- 


seling-only practice in Califor- 


nia—that is, when sh 
doing book tours and 
shows. With such а рас 
schedule, does she have any 
time left to meet men and 
practice what she preach 
“Not lately,” Barbara admits, 
then smiles. “But Lam hoping 


to remedy that situati 


Working as a sex surrogate had its perks, remembers Barbara (in private session, below and opposite). "As a surrogate you don't hold 
back,” she explains. “You respond. So, yes, if | met with a client on o day that | was particularly horny, | might be very responsive." 


74 


OLKE 1 


THE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER IN THE POWER SHED, SHE'S MY PAL 


Ти mese KIDS that slashed 

the top on the Saab 

(ain't it a shame, 1200 

miles on it, a black rag- 

top, turbocharger, five- 

disc sound system), 

these kids called me Chop-a-Leg, which 

is what I had done to me. They chop 

a leg when the foot turns gang green. 

1 had diabetes 12 years and wouldn't 

quit smoking. My podiatrist warned 

me the day was drawing near, but 1 

didn't listen. I was still out there trying 

to get my kicks. Now I traded the five- 

speed in for an automatic since when 

you been chop-a-legged, your pros- 

thetic foot don't rightly feel the clutch 
and that can mean smash your ass! 

I got a hardtop with a V-6 and these 
kids calling me Chop-a-Leg raked up 
the paint job with a blade, so now I 
don't have to take care parking it or lay 
in bed and worry about по ragtop. See, 
I'm new to the neighborhood and they 
don't know who I am. All that shit—"I 
got a new car, what if it gets nicked?"— 
is over. I got the problem defused. 
Those kids did me a favor. I mean I got 
friends, OK, who could see to it that I 
could park that car anywhere in the 
city and nobody but nobody would get 
near, cause I'm a stand-up con with 
connections, but in my old age I find I 
really do abhor violence, squalor and 
ugliness. And I was a kid once. I did 
stuff like that. So I let it slide and had a 
talk with those boys. It was a highly ef- 
fective conversation. There won't be no 
more fuck fuck with that car. 

The doctors gave me the first dia- 
betes lecture more than a decade ago. 
They fine-tuned the spiel over the 
years. There were updates. In one ear, 
out the other. I figured, You're gonna 
die, no matter. But they were right. I 
got hit with the shortness of breath, 
blurred vision, fire-and-ice neurop- 
ашу, borderline kidney function, a 
limp dick and armpits so raw I got to 
use Tussy Cream Deodorant or go 
aroun' with B.O. Is that Tussy like fussy 
or Tussy like pussy? Heh heh. 

One night after 1 got proficient with 
my new foot, I hobbled down to the 


FICTION BY THOM JONES 


basement: Peg-leg Pete. Heh heh. I like 
to go down there at night and listen to 
Captain Berg's Stamp Hour on the short- 
wave. Comes оп at two A.M. I always 
know the time, right on the money, 
bro. Serious. 1 bought a German clock 
(Sharper Image, page 98, $249 plus 
shipping) with a radio transmitt t 
that computes with the real atomic 
clock in Boulder, Colorado, and from 
that I set my watches. I got a solid gold 
Rolex President—your captain of in- 
dustry watch. I got a two-tone Sea 
Dweller with a Neptune green bezel, a 
platinum Daytona and a plain GMT 
Master in stainless steel. A Patek 
Philippe and so on. They all right on 
time. Believe it. You might think, Why 
is he worried about time? 'Cause he got 
so little left? What is the man's prob- 
lem? Like God going to cheat him out 
of a second or something? When you 
are fascinated with clocks, 
you're an existential person. Some guy 
wears a plain watch with just a slash at 
the noon, three, six and nine o'clock 
positions, you can put your money on 
that man. If the watch is plain with Ro- 
man numerals, he's also a straight guy. 
Non-neurotic. Trust that individual. If 
you see someone with a railroad face— 
same deal. Arabic numerals on a rail- 
road face, trust him a little less. A watch 
with extraneous dials and buttons, 
don't trust 'em at all, especially if they 
wearing a jogging watch and they ain't 
in shape. This is just a general rule of 
thumb—your man may be wearing a 
watch that goes against type since his 
father give it to him. Wealthy people 
buy $40,000 timepieces that look like a 
Timex ‘cause they don't want to get 
taken off. The people they want to 
know how much their watch cost will 
know, but no pipehead or take-off 
artist will know. As they say, if it doesn't 
tick, it ain't shit. You wanna know if 
your woman cheats? There's a certain 
watch style and nine times out of ten, if 
she's wearing it, she's guilty. I swear. 

A good pickpocket is very careful. I 
did very litle time in the joint, relative- 
ly speaking, and I made incredible in- 
come. Never hurt a soul. Didn't like 


PAINTING BY KEN WARNEKE 


jail. You know, joint chow is conducive 
to arterial occlusions. It’s all starch and 
fat. It’s garbage and then you lay 
around eating all that commissary can- 
dy. Smoking. I hate dead time in the 
joint. Idleness truly is the devil's work- 
shop. I was goin’ nuts watching fucking 
Jeopardy up in my living room, no сїра- 
rettes, no action—just waiting for my 
stump to heal. Reading medical books. 
When doctors Banting and Best was 
up in Toronto "discovering" insulin in 
1922, they give what little they had toa 
vice president of Eastman Kodal's kid, 
James Havens, and it brought James 
around. Meanwhile everybody is going 
to Toronto where they are trying to 
make bathtub insulin as fast as possible. 
They can only produce just a couple of 
units a day and they give it to this one 
and that one while a thousand diabetics 
are dying each day. One thousand a 
day. The treatment then in vogue wasa 
semistarvation diet that might give you 
a year, a couple of months, a few days. 
When you are a diabetic out of control 
and you get hungry, it ain't like ordi- 
nary hunger Its a sick hunger— 
polyphagia. Put such a person in the 
hospital and they'll eat toothpaste. 
Birdseed. I mean, I said 1 got connec- 
tions and I could have gotten some 
of that 1922 insulin. After that there 
would come a phone call one day and 
somebody would want a favor and I 
would have to say yes to that favor, no 
matter what. That's part of the life. 
Even now insulin isn't cheap. It ain't 
no giveaway. Shoot up four times a day. 
Syringes, test strips. They cost as much 
as three packs a day. Heh heh. But 
each day I get is a gift, OK? I should be 
dead. Before 1922, I am dead. The 
shortwave is an old fart's pleasure, but 
then 1 am 67 years old. Most criminals 
don't live that long outside or in. 
Anyhow, I was down there in the 
basement when I blew a breaker with 
all my radio gear going, so I went into 
the little power shed and snapped on 
the light and seen a pack of cigarettes 
from the golden days of yesteryear: 
Kool Filter Kings. I didn't want to 
smoke a cigarette. Didn't need to. But 


PLAYBOY 


76 


you know, human nature is strange, so 
I fired up. I didn’t inhale. Face it, it's 
scary the first time after you've been 
off. When you're standing there on an 
artificial leg thinking about the ambi- 
guity of life. Tomes have been written. 
I know. I'm just standing there when I 
spot a skinny-ass spider hanging in its 
web. There was dust on the cobwebs. 1 
blew smoke on it and the spider didn't 
move. Looked like a shell. Dead, I 
figure. It's the middle of winter. I 
mashed out the cigarette, snapped the 
breaker and went back to the radio. 
"Three nights later, I get this craving for 
a cigarette. I had forgotten the spider, 
and 1 went back into the power shed 
and smoked a Kool all the way down to 
the filter. It was the greatest goddamn 
cigarette 1 ever smoked in my whole 
fuckin' life! The one I had two nights 
later was almost as good. 1 took a big 
drag and blew it all out and the spider 
in the web moved like greased light- 
ning. Jesus fuck! I seen a little red 
hourglass on its belly and Christ—Jesus 
fuck! But what the hell, it's just a fuck- 
ing spider, black widow or no. Still it 
gave me a thrill and I could identi- 
fy with this litle motherfucker. Your 
black widow is your outlaw. 

After I run through that pack of 
Kools I find that I'm still going into the 
room to check on the spider. It was al- 
ways in the same spot. What is it eating, 
1 wonder? It’s the middle of winter. 
There isn't another bug in sight. That 
night in bed I am so worried the spider 
is going to starve that I get up, take a 
little ball of hamburger out of the re- 
frigerator, hobble down to the base- 
ment like old man Moses and squeeze 
the hamburger around a web tentacle 
and give the string a little twing. The 
spider don't move. Starved to death. I 
was too late. One day too late, like with 
my atomic clock transmissions and ev- 
erything, I'm late. Chop-a-leg and all 
that shit. Always a day late and a fuck- 
ing dollar short. 

Actually, the spider was reviewing its 
options. I believe she had the sick 
hunger. When she smelled that meat, 
she made her move and then I seen the 
red hourglass flash on her belly again. 
Seein' that hourglass was like walking 
into a bank with a nine-millimeter. 
What a rush! The spider pounced on 
that hamburger and gave it a poison 
injection. I wiggled the web a little, so 
the spider would think she had a live 
one, you know. Then I realized that the 
light was on and conditions weren't 
right for dinner. She was used to per- 
manent dark. 1 shut off the light and 
closed the door. Alter Captain Berg's 
Stamp Hour, 1 returned and the ball of 
hamburger was gone. Not only that, 
the spider seemed to intuit a message 
to me. The spider was used to having 


me come in there and blow smoke on it 
and I think, Aha! I get it, you got a cig- 
arette jones. Fuckin’ A! Maybe you 
would like a cup of coffee, too, you 
nasty little cocksucker. Piece of choco- 
late cake with ice cream and some hot 
fudge. I would like some too. Heh heh. 

I peg-legged it over to a deli and 
bought a package of cigarettes and 
when I get back, I'm standing there en- 
joying the smoke and watching the spi- 
der—you know, chop-a-leg can't be 
that bad when you got eight li 
that's when I get the cold, dead feeling 
in my good leg, the right one. My chest 
gets tight. My jaw hurts. My left arm 
hurts. I stagger upstairs and take an 
aspirin and two of my peptoglycer- 
in tablets or whatever, Heart pills. Ni- 
tropep, whatever. Put two under your 
tongue and they make your asshole 
tickle. Make it turn inside out. 

I laid in my bed consumed with fear. 
My heart was Cuban Pete and it was 
rumbling to the congo beat. It took a 
long time to calm down. When I was 
finally calm, I said, “OK, God, I'm 
ready. Take me out now. I've had it 
with this whole no-leg motherfucker.” 

The next thing you know the sun is 
up and fuckin’ birds are cheepin’. 
Comin’ on happy at six in the morning 
for Christ sake. 1 pursued a life of 
crime because I hate daylight. It's just 
about that simple. When you hate day- 
light, when you hate anything, you will 
develop a certain ambiguity about life 
and you get reckless in your habits. 
You overeat. You take dope. You fall in 
love with a bad person. You take a job 
you hate. You declare war against soci- 
ety. You do any number of things that 
don't cut any ice when you шу to ex- 
plain your motivation in a court of law 
or toa doctor, to a dentist or to the kids 
on your block who hate you for having 
a new car. God didn't take me out when 
І was ready. I was ready but the next 
thing birds are cheepin' and somehow 
you find that you just have to go on. 

I didn't even think I was listening at 
the time but after chop-a-leg I was at 
the clinic and I heard this doctor say, 
yeah, yeah, he knew this intern who 
had high cholesterol. A young guy with 
a 344. So what this guy does is eats oat- 
meal three times a day. He puts some 
skim milk on it to make a complete 
protein and in three months his choles- 
terol drops down to 25. Twenty-five! I 
didn't think I was listening but it regis- 
tered later. Come back to me. 

І drove to the store and bought a 
large box of Old Fashioned Quaker 
Oats. I started eating oatmeal morn- 
ing, noon and night. I like looking at 
the Pilgrim on the box. What a happy 
guy, huh? I discovered that if you like 
your oatmeal to taste “beefy,” you only 
need to pour some hot water over it. 


You don't boil it for five minutes. 1 
mean you can, but nobody is going to 
come in and arrest you if you don't. For 
a while I liked it beefy. I also liked it 
regular. Once I forgot and bought 
Quick Quaker Oats and discovered I 
liked them even better. Skim milk and 
oatmeal. Three times a day. My leg 
started feeling better. I lost that short- 
ness-of-breath thing. How simple. How 
easy. On the night before Christmas 1 
sat alone in my kitchen and ate my oat- 
meal with a mashed banana in it. What 
more could a person want out of life, 
huh? I felt so good I put on a dark 
Brooks Brothers suit and a cashmere 
topcoat and went to the shopping mall, 
where I lifted $3000 in green. Just 
wanted to see if I still had the touch. 
Hah! Back in the saddle again. I even 
boosted a home cholesterol kit. You 
stick your finger and put a drop of 
blood on a strip. Fifteen minutes later I 
get a reading of 42. Can you believe? I 
can. I sincerely believe that the regres- 
sion of arterial plaque is possible even 
in a brittle diabetic such as myself. 
When they autopsied Pritikin, his coro- 
nary vessels were cleaner than a whis- 
Че. Already 1 have lost 30 pounds over 
and above the amputated leg. I take 
righteous dumps twice a day. 1 sleep 
like a baby. I'm a happy guy. I'm lifted 
from my deathbed and restored to 
acute good health. Sex might even be a 
possibility. 1 already tol’ you I'm 67 
years old but now I'm feeling horny 
again for the first time in years. 

Every night after Capiain Berg’s Stamp 
Hour 1 continued to go into the power 
shed and feed the spider. She's my pal, 
see. I stacked all my empty oatmeal 
cartons in her direction with the Pil- 
grim smiling at her. It adds color to an 
otherwise drab decor. Heh heh. 

I come out of retirement. 1 go out 
and boost on a regular basis now. I 
don't need the bread bur I like being 
active. Aint you glad to hear of my 
comeback? 1 bet you are rightly de- 
lighted. 1 plan on living to be a hun- 
dred. For insulin discovery, they gave 
Dr. Fred Banting the Nobel Prize, and 
he was gracious enough to share his 
end of it with Dr. Charles Best. To keep 
guys like me going. Heh heh. 

The spider, what it wants more than 
hamburger is that I should light a ciga- 
rette and blow smoke at it so she can 
suck it in through her spiracles and get 
some nicotine on her brain. Gets this 
look like, “Come on, baby, drive me crazy!” 
It’s just a tiny spider brain. Say, "Jes a 
little puff would do it, mah man." 

But I look at the spider and say, “Suf- 
fex, darlin’! It's for ya own good. Take it 
from a man who knows." 


Hi 2 


E Йй 
= 
7 


AS 
ANA 


"I was just wondering, Mr. Parker, when you planned to come by and 
pick up Mrs. Parker?” 77 


y ii 


SEU 
nt МЦ 


from buttons to bucks, 
here's how to dress 
for warm weather 


By HOLLIS WAYNE 


T HE LOOK this spring is all-Ameri- 
can, according to menswear de- 
signers Calvin Klein, Paul Smith 
and Donna Karan, with bold colors 
and preppy styling reminiscent of 
the Fifties. Softly structured suits 
are being paired with bright, solid- 
colored shirts and equally vivid ties 
made of retro iridescent fabrics. Al- 
though the three-button single- 
breasted suit still dominates the 
menswear scene, two-button styles 
are making a strong comeback. So 
are such Ivy League classics аз Ох- 
ford shirts, argyle V-neck sweaters 
and madras jackets. We like the lat- 
ter worn casually with a crewneck 
shirt and a pair of plain-front khakis 
as pictured on page 84. You can 
complete this look, or any of the 
other looks in this feature, with 
saddle shoes, penny loafers (forget 
the pennies, please) or even white 
bucks, which Pat Boone would love. 


What's the word on suits? Three-button 
single-breosteds are the hottest style for 
spring and summer. On the opposite 
page: A wool two-buttan broken-lined 
single-breasted model with two besom 
pockets, by Joop, $950; combined with 
а cotton oxford buttondown shirt by 
Thos. Mclellon, $125; and a herring- 
bone-weove silk tie with о subtle sheen, 
by Robert Talbott, about $70. Contrast- 
ing colors light up the handsome en- 
semble at right. It includes a three-but- 
ton single-breasted linen jacket with 
three open-patch pockets, about $480, 
and matching flot-front trousers, about 
$200, both by Paul Smith; a cotton 
dress shirt by Victor Victoria, $120; and a 
silk iridescent tie by Joop, about $100. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GORDON MUNRO 


It takes o tall mon (at least six feet 
tall) ta carry off a faur-button sin- 
gle-breasted suit. Opposite page: 
A linen-and-cattan four-button suit 
jacket, $575, with double-pleated 
trousers, $250, both by Calvin 
Klein; paired with a cotion shirt 
with hand-finished topstitching, by 
Poul Smith, $165; and a silk tie by 
Jaop, $95. The relaxed way to 
wear a three-button suit or sports 
jacket is ta button only the tap one 
or two buttons. At right, he goes 
far twa in a waol-blend sparts 
jacket, $995, and a polyester-and- 
royan shirt, $185, both by Donna 
Karan; warn with waol trousers by 
Boss-Hugo Bass, $150; a silk 
Jacquard tie by Robert TalboH, 
about $70; and jazzy two-tone shoes 
by Salvatore Ferragama, $285. 


A pair of weekend preppies: This 
guy (left) has it made in the shades 
with sunglasses from Paul Smith 
Spectacles by Oliver Peoples, 
abaut $200; an argyle six-ply 
cashmere tweed cardigan sweater 
by Malo, $1850; a broadcloth shirt. 
by John Bartlett, $170; a cotton 
T-shirt from Polo by Ralph Lauren, 
$30; cotton flat-front khaki pants 
by Joop, $125; and a calf-leather 
belt by Prada, $120. Our thinker 
on the opposite page dresses for 
the 19th hole in a cotton golf jack- 
et, $125, flat-front khakis, obout 
$70, and T-shirt, obout $10, oll 
from Double RL by Ralph Lauren; 
worn with a shirt, about $70, and 
а cotton knit V-neck sweater (tied 
oround his neck), about $190, 
both from Polo by Rolph Louren. 


Left: Designers are so partial to 
ploid this spring that the madros 
shirt jacket is back. This linen-and- 
romie unlined single-breasted 
model by Victor Victoria, $350, 
goes great with a cotton crewneck 
long-sleeve shirt from Hugo by 
Hugo Boss, $150; cotton flat-front 
khaki pants by DKNY, about $90; 
and leather braided belt from 
Colours by Alexander Julian, 
about $20. Opposite page: You 
couldn't miss this sharply dressed 
couple in a crowd. His ensemble 
includes a cation poplin three-but- 
ton single-breasted suit by Bass- 
Hugo Boss, $750; a green cotton 
shirt by Joap, about $100; a silk tie 
by Gene Meyer, about $60; and a 


Colours by Alexander Julian, $25. 


WHERE & HOW ТО 
BUY ON PAGE 155. 


туа 3IXUW AB HINH 


'WYHSNILION Ai 


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FAA DOY 


86 


why men de YOUNG. (continued from page 66) 


For many men in my generation, the end of a career 
brings panic, often misdiagnosed as heart disease. 


that a crucial factor in cancer remission 
is the presence of a confidante with 
whom a patient can share feelings. The 
way this affects the immune system is 
biochemical, and it can't be replicated 
by drugs. That same research shows 
that women are better able to express 
and share their feelings than men. 

I have a hunch that men under the 
age of 80 may not die so young. Per- 
haps more important than exercise 
and diet is the fact that younger men 
are not so likely to define themselves by 
the ability to knock the other guy down 
or by sticking to a career. And, by ne- 
cessity or desire, they spend more time 
nurturing. The increasing equality be- 
tween women and men and the eco- 
nomic changes undermining men's 
dominance demand a new kind of 
sharing, which may ease the burden 
of dependence and open new lines of 
communication between the sexes. 


The men my age, or those five, six, 
ten, even 12 years younger than I am, 
are dying. My women friends have had 
their bouts with breast cancer or arthri- 
tis, but one and all, they're still going 
strong. 

The tiple bypass has become so 
common among these men that it 
hardly raises an eyebrow. But it still 
makes headlines when a powerful man 
such as Steve Ross is felled by prostate 
cancer only months after putting to- 
gether an enormous corporate merge: 
Meetings were postponed last summer 
when Disney chief Michael Eisner, the 
epitome of the Eighties empire-build- 
ing media mogul, was rushed into qua- 
druple-bypass surgery at the age of 52. 

I was driven home to New York one 
night from my son's home outside 
Philadelphia by a man who runs a car 
service, My son had been his first cus- 
tomer when he started this service after 
retiring from a high-risk branch of the 
oil business. In his 60s now, he has 
a fleet of 18 cars and employs older 
men and women, careful, experienced 
drivers who have retired or need to 
moonlight. He told me about his chest 
pains when he was in the oil business 
and of the cardiologist's dire warning. 
He got his partners to buy him out. 

“My heart's just fine now,” he told 

e. "I sleep all night. I make enough. 
My kids are educated. 1 don't need а 
fancy house with the right address. I 


don't need a fancy office. 1 enjoy run- 
ning this service. | enjoy driving peo- 
ple like your son and getting to know 
people like you. I've got 18 drivers 
now, but I take the customers I want to 
drive myself. Гуе got a lot of time to 
live now, and I'm enjoying it.” 

On a plane to Chicago, I met an old 
acquaintance, in his 70s now, who told 
me that he sold his big public relations 
firm with its 100-person staff and 
wendy accounts. “1 do only the ac- 
counts I really believe in now. 1 don't 
even have a secretary" So he flies 
coach, not first class. "That won't kill 
те,” he said, laughing. 

For many men in my generation, the 
end of a career brings panic, often mis- 
diagnosed as heart disease. Even a 
painter friend, who used to enjoy 
shocking the critics and is now doing 
a nostalgic series about Greta Gar- 
bo, complains: “They don't want us 
around taking up their attention. They 
don't want to see us. 175 time for us to 
leave. 

A different pattern is beginning to 
emerge among the younger men 1 see. 
It's as if they don't intend to live—or 
die—as their fathers did. They see no 
future in hard-driving, heart attack- 
breeding careers, even as they keep 
moving up in the corporate rat-race 
themselves. 
media escort" in San Francisco 
for publishers on an ever-chang- 
ing part-time. schedule. But at night 
she plays in a country music band. The 
members of that band. in their 30s and 
40s, define themselves as much by their 
country music gigs as by their careers. 
By day, one runs a pizza parlor, one 
is a lawyer, one a computer software 
expert, one a legal secretary, one a so 
cial worker. Somehow, the men and 
women seem to fit their kids into all 
this, sometimes bringing them along. 
No rigid linear career for any of them, 
the men as flexible now as the women, 
putting everything together—job, mu- 
sic and kids. 

Lecturing in Seattle, I met Hank 
Isaac, 47, who has been in this new 
mode since his 30s. An industrial de- 
signer and engineer, he was getting 
ahead in a big corporation where long 
hours and constant business travel kept. 
him from spending much time with his 
wife, Kathleen, and daughter. A mod- 
ern couple, respectful of each other's 
careers and carefully allouing "quality 
time" with their child, they got the 


sense of real time slipping by. So they 
took the risk of giving up their corpo- 
rate jobs in а Midwest city and sold 
their house in the suburbs. They 
moved to Seatile, where they now live 
on a 45-foot trawler on the water. Hank 
and Kathleen jointly run a toy store, 
and their daughter, now 14, helps out 
after school and on Saturdays. 

Choosing this type of career are men 
who have been successful in the corpo- 
rate world, and I also see it adopted 
out of necessity by men downsized 
from supposedly secure careers into 
the kinds of jobs only women are ex- 
pected to take. But they are kept from 
the total crash that sent such men to 
suicide during the Depression because 
their wives already work those not-so- 
glamorous jobs. And, in varying de- 
grees, they share the child care, the 
trips to the dentist, meetings with the 
teacher and the attention to clean socks 
and report cards. 


Younger men are beginning to real- 
ize that there is no lifetime security 
now, no sure climb to the top, no mat- 
ter what they study in graduate school. 
I see it in the MBA classes I lecture to 
in my role as visiting professor in the 
Leadership Institute ‚of ıhe University 
of Southern Califo 
ness. There is an anxiety, a new insecu- 
rity that makes students realize the im- 
portance of flexibility, of “doing what I 
really want to do” instead of that Eight- 
ies obsession with making a quick mil- 
lion on Wall Street. At the same time 
there's a new security that enables men 
to make choices even if they do not 
ensure a multimillion-dollar future: 
Their wives earn enough so they can 
take that gamble. 

A woman I once worked with has 
been promoted to a top job in cable 
television, and her husband and kids 
will have to move from New York 10 
California. But he doesn't object, be- 
cause her salary has enabled him to 
leave the corporate world to go to 
graduate school, which he can do in 
California as easily as in New York. He 
wanted more control of his own life be- 
fore it was too late. 

With that sort of existential, take-it- 
as-it-comes approach, career moves no 
longer can be planned. Life keeps 
changing, as it has for women all these 
years. Relax and enjoy it, as the lawyer 
and the computer whiz playing drums 
and electric guitar in the country music 
band in San Francisco are doing right 
now. I doubt those men will die much 
younger than their wives. 

As for those all-essential bonds of in- 
timacy, the news is also good. I think of 

(continued on page 151) 


LESLIE NIELSEN’S 


L esis ooms and кке айс lk? nous 


From a Lifetime of Bad Golf 


for that matter. Yes, I’ve been called the duffers’ guru, the high priest of the high handicappers and 


B EFORE WE get started, I want to make one thing clear: I’m not a teacher of golf, or of anything else, 
the Bobby Jones of bad golf. But I prefer to think of myself as a lifelong student of the game who 


happened to get a look at a few of the answers when the real teachers left the class to peek through the win- 
dow of the girls’ locker room. Now, I'm not saying that golf can't be taught. Golf can be taught. It’s just that it 
can’t be learned. This fundamental and unalterable fact explains why many aspiring players spend so much 
time and money taking lessons yet never seem to improve. In fact, they usually get worse. Of course, that 
doesn’t explain how so many golf pros can still make a comfortable living teaching the sport, but then there 
аге a lot of things about this great game I don't understand. People have always told me, “Leslie, if you were 
to write down everything you don’t know about golf, it would fill a book.” Well, I guess they were right. 


INSTRUCTION BY LESLIE NIELSEN with HENRY BEARD 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVE BRODNER 


WHEN ТО ТАКЕ UP GOLF 


When is the best time to take up golf? I don't care if you're 
15 or 50, the answer is still the same: ten years ago. 


"The way I see it, the grip is the simplest thing to master in 
the game of golf. There is one absolutely inflexible rule you 
must follow when you take your grip: Always hold the club 
at the thin end, where that length of rubber stuff is, and not 
at the end that has the curved metal or wooden thing with 
the number on it. Now, if you don't think one piece of advice 
is worth anything, just try hitting a couple of buckets of balls 


holding the club the other way. 


THE STANCE 


А good stance is a key part of 
golf. Address the ball. Square up 
the club. Now drop your head 
slightly until the ground between 
your legs comes into sight. You 
should see two feet. If you don't 
see any feet, or only one foot, or 
three or more feet, you need to 
work on your stance. 


WATCHING THE BALL 


Which part of the ball do 
you focus on when you 
swing? Some guides tell 
you to look at the back of 
the ball or the inside quar- 
ter. All wrong. 1 believe 
that to promote clean con- 
tact, your eyes should be 
on the 
ball. When you set up to 
hit, if you can't see the low- 
er half of the ball because 
i's sitting down in the 
rough or in a divot or hol- : 


low in the fairway, take the time to roll it over onto a tuft of 
grass until at least some of the underside comes into 
view. It’s a small thing, but I've often found that in golf, if 
you pay attention to the little details, the big problems take 
care of themselves. 


THE GRIP 


Golfers are al- 
ways worrying 
about, and then 
fiddling with, 
their grips. Is my 
grip too strong, 
or is it too weak? 
Should the Vs 
formed by my 
thumbs and my 
forefingers point 
to my chin or my 
right shoulder? 
Is my hand pres- 
sure too tight? 
Are the calluses 
on my palms in 
the right places: 


BALL. POSITION 


Jack Nicklaus says to hit your shots with the ball lined up 
with the inside of your left heel. Sam Snead says you should 
hit drives with the ball forward, but have it back toward the 
center of your stance with shorter clubs. To me, where you 
like to have the ball when you set up to hit a shot isn't that 
big a deal. What's much more important is where you place 
the ball after it disappears into the trees. There's only one 
correct position for that ball: inside your pocket. 


DRIVE FOR DOUGH 


You have 
heard the golf 
cliché "Drive 
for show, putt 
for dough." 1 
think driving 
is more impor- 
tant than putt- 
ing, but 1 do 
not mean driv- 
ing the ball. I 
mean driving 
the cart. Why? 
Because in a golf match, unless you're behind the wheel, 
you're behind the eight ball. 

First of all, whoever drives keeps score, since the score- 
card and pencil are on a little clipboard thing in the middle 
of the cart's steering wheel, and whoever keeps score has 
a significant advantage. Second, as driver, you can—and 
should—always take your opponent over to his ball first, 
even if you're away. Get him to hurry his club selection by 
ently rocking the cart back and forth with a few light taps 
n the accelerator as he fumbles in his bag for the right stick. 
As soon as he picks one, immediately speed away. He's al- 
most certain to feel he's got the wrong club. And finally, the 
uicker you get to a ball that you sliced toward a water haz- 
ird or an out-of-bounds marker, the greater the odds that 
ou will find it in a decent lie just short of the trouble. You 
ill find this to be especially true if your opponent is stand- 
ing on the other side of the fairway, 150 yards from the cart. 
and his bag), trying to figure out how to hit his 75-yard ap- 
roach to the green with a five wood. 


A WORD FROM BILL CLINTON 


I remember that early in the 1992 presidential campaign 
was in Los Angeles on a fund-raising trip, and I was about 
to play a round of golf with a few of the fine folks in the film 
industry who were so generously supporting my candidacy. 
"d stuck a few new Titleists in my pants pocket, and I was 
leaded toward the practice green to try a new putter that 


bottom of the 


į effort it entails, for not only has the individual seeking relief 
thereby assured himself of privacy but he has eliminated the 
deleterious effects of any wayward gusts or zephyrs on the 
trajectory of his discharge. Now he has only to provide an 
ample margin for error in his aim, and see to it that his foot- 
ng is secure, for once the process of draining the dew from 
one's lily has been commenced. it is not easily interrupted. 
Further, he should take care to ascertain that his piccolo has 
fully played its tune before it is replaced in his pants, for hav- 
ng announced an intention to go and see a man about a 
dog, it will be with no little embarrassment that a golfer re- 
turns from the interview looking as if the animal in question 
peed upon his leg.” 


Hillary had bought for me, 
when who should walk up but 
Leslie Nielsen. 

"Governor Clinton," he said 
to me affably, pointing to my 
pants. "What's that in your 


” I replied, a little 
puzzled by his question. 

“Golf balls" he repeated, as 
if he were giving the matter 
a great deal of thought. "Tell 
me," he said after several mo- 
ments, "is that anything like 
tennis elbow?" 


WHICH CLUB? 


It's remarkable how 
often a fellow golfer will 
ask you what club he 
hould use for his next 
hot. I want to say, 
"Look, how the hell 
hould I know when I 


THE IDEAL FOURSOME 


I suppose every player 
dreams of playing a round 
of golf in a foursome with 
some of the game's all-time 
greats. Imagine teeing it up. 


with Arnold Palmer, Sam 
Snead and Ben Hogan. It 
would certainly be an honor 


can barely figure out 
what club I should hit?" 
But that's a little rude, so 
here's what 1 do instead. 


to play with these legendary 
golfers. But let's face it, they 
all take the game very seri- 
ously, and they all are pretty 
uncompromising when it 
comes to the rules. Thats 
why, if I had an opportunity 
to play with a trio of out- 
standing individuals but wanted to still have some fun and 
stand a chance of turning in a decent scorecard, I'd pick 
George Shearing, Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder. 


I say, “Listen, it’s sim- 
ple. Figure out the yard- 
age to the pin. OK, 195 
yards. Drop the last digit 
and divide by two. If 
here's a remainder, just 
drop that, too. That 
leaves nine. Now, sub- 
ract the number of 
trokes you've already 
aken on the hole. Let's say you lie two, so we get seven. Now 
multiply your handicap by your hat size. We'll say you're a 
14.3 (forget the part to the right of the decimal) and you 
wear a 6% (forget the fraction). Six times 14 is 84. Since that's 
less than 100, we add the par of the hole—five—to the num- 
ber we got earlier. Seven plus five equals 12. Hit the 12 
ron." Nobody asks twice. 


TAKING RELIEF 


“The great Bobby Jones, who wrote with such eloquence 
and insight on every aspect of golf, also brought blessed lu 
cidity to the often confusing sub. 
ject of where, and when, to take 
relief. He wrote: "No matter how 
great a sense of urgency a golfe 
may feel in responding to a call oí 
nature, he should refrain from un: 
trousering his apparatus until he 
has fully considered all the factors 
that may bear upon the business. 
Not the least of these concerns ї 
the likelihood of the unheralded 
arrival upon the scene of a lady 
whose attendance at a display о! 
extramural urination would mo: 
fy even the least mannered of men. 
A short detour into the surround. 
ing shrubbery is well worth the 
modest expenditure of time and 


A MYSTERY 


What is it about golf? You watch Michael Jordan defy 

cavity as he scores a game-winning jam, and you don't be- 
lieve for one second that you could make that shot. And you 
don't think that you could ever hit like Ken Griffey Jr. or 
pass like Troy Aikman or skate like Wayne Gretzky. But you 
watch Nick Price hit the pin from 190 yards out, and you say, 
Hey, if I had more practice, I could do that. What can we 
learn from this? Not much, really. But it does explain why 
here aren't miniature basketball courts along the highway, 
ind why no one is selling pink-and-green baseball uniforms, 
x-out footballs or funny head covers for hockey sticks. 


A FOOLPROOF WAY TO KNOCK SIX 
STROKES OFF YOUR SCORE 


Skip the last hole. 


HEN Danelle Folta tells us, in 
all sincerity, “I don't think 
you would want to be in my 


.” our first thought is, We beg 
to differ 

Then this 26-year-old international 
model confesses that she's a devotee of 
Stephen King, Clive Barker and other 
horror scribes, and we begin to under- 
stand. "Oh," she exclaims, "1 look for- 
ward to sleeping, because my dreams 
are so crazy and scary. And I love to be 
scared! But should 1 tell you some of 
my scary dreams? You'll think, This 
girl is really morbid.” 

We assure her of our iron constitu- 
tion, and she relents. 

“All right, I had this dream the other 
night,” she says. “I'm riding around in 
a Jeep—I dont even drive а Jeep!— 
and I come up to this spectacular, half 
finished house. I go in and the people 


Danelle is a multitalented tomboy She 
skis, she plays beach volleyball, she runs 
and she can take the ball ta the hoop. "I'm 
going to ga skydiving os saon as | find 
samebody willing to ga with me,” she says. 


Per heat Ce. 
fo Dream 


miss april is miss practical by day, mischief by night 


Donelle was born in Indiana, spent part af her yauth in Denver and now travels the 
world. Her current home is in eastern Pennsylvania. “Wherever | go, | get along with 


peaple. Even in 


igh school, I was friends with the jocks, the brains and the burnouts 


inside tell me there's a killer on the 
loose in the area. So I take charge. I tell 
everyone to go into the basement and 
that ГЇЇ find the killer. I'm prowling 
around the construction site, and the 
killer turns out to be a little boy. I cap- 
ture him, but when I go back to the 
basement, all the people are chopped 
up. That was a great dream!” 

While Danelle’s imagination may be 
in overdrive, don't be fooled into 
thinking that Miss April is а flake. She 
still has her head on straight, even after 


six years of working as a model in the 


U.S., Europe and Asia. She has also 
done some acting, including a role in 


vw d 
- 


"I've always wanted more,” Danelle says emphatically. “i'm not saying that in a 
greedy way, but | just want everything that life has to offer. | told myself a long time 
[| , aga, ‘I'm never going to have another bad day.’ And corny as it sounds, I haven't.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
RICHARD FEGLEY 


Danelle is a bomb-down-the-mountain, 
never-say-die kind af weman. "If you 
say that | can't da something, that's my 
sign to go for it. I'll prave you wrong." 


the TV series The Untouchables. "I 
played a dancer who was dating 
mobsters, trying to work my way up 
to Al Capone,” she says. "I was sort 
of a bimbo type, which is the oppo- 
site of who I am. 

Danelle was raised in Dyer, Indi- 
ana and is the youngest of six chil- 
dren. She is an appealing mix of 
the sweet, small-town girl who brags 


shamelessly about her sisters and 
brothers and the urbane business- 
woman who is both smart and 
combative 


“ like to argue,” she says. "If you 
disagree with me about something, 
ГЇЇ keep at you until you agree. I 
think maybe I have the lawyer gene 
in me.” 

To prepare for her arguments, 
Danelle soaks up information every- 
where—from books, magazines and 
people she meets on the road. Not 
long ago, as she was waiting in a ho- 
tel lounge in Atlanta, she began talk- 
ing with a man who works in the re- 
cycled-cardboard business. She 
hung on his every word as he ex- 
plained how cardboard is turned in- 
to pulp and back into cardboard 
When the man asked for her num- 
ber, Danelle had to tell him—sweet- 
ly, of course—thar she was interest- 
ed just in recycling 

Danelle has her own business am- 
bitions. She has been studying real 
estate, and her goal is to buy one 
piece of property a year for the next 
five years. But just because she has 
practical dreams doesn't mean that 
she's ready to abandon her middle- 
of-the-night adventures. 

"My dreams help me get in touch 
with my fears, and my desires, too, 
she says. "I have my share of sexual 
dreams, which I guess are the fe- 
male equivalent of wet dreams. And 
they're great!” 

Dream on, Danelle. 


— MICHAEL GERHART 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


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BIRTH DATE: ras Missed DM 


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AMBITIONS: 
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IF І HAD MORE me: DO Arad) e tana ,و مص دلگ‎ 


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PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


When she still felt rotten after two weeks, the 
blonde made an appointment with her physi- 
cian. "Frankly, Ms. Harris," the doctor said af- 
ter his examination, "I'm stumped. You're ei- 
ther pregnant or you have a cold." 

"Well, I must be pregnant then," the woman 
concluded. "I don't know a soul who could 
have given me a cold." 


What's the difference between the new Den- 
ver airport and the White House? Someone 
landed a plane at the White House. 


Justa day after buying a parakeet, the owner 
was stunned when the bird suddenly fell off its 
perch and died. He returned to the pet store 
the next morning, carrying the tiny carcass. 

‘The store manager examined the body care- 
fully. "Did it have a yellow stool?” he asked. 

"No," the customer replied. "No furniture 
whatsoever." 


Two old friends bumped into each other at the 
grocery store. “Meg,” one said, “it's good to see 
you. How have you been?” 

“Oh, just great,” the other gushed. “I'm four 
months pregnant.” 

"That's wonderful news!” her friend ex- 
claimed, offering a hug. “1 know how long 
you've been trying." 

“Yes, it's been six years. ] finally went to a 
faith healer.” 

"Gee, my husband and I went to a faith heal- 
er for two months —nothing.” 

The elated mother-to-be leaned toward her 
companion. “Со alone,” she said 


Dia you hear about the convention for schizo- 
phrenics? Anyone who is everyone was there. 


Р. лувоу ciassic: Kowalski walked into a shop 
and ordered a pound of kielbasa. The clerk 
looked at him strangely. "What's wrong?" 
Kowalski snapped. "Are you thinking, "Ihe 
guy ordered kielbasa, so he must be Polish, 
and if he's Polish, he must be a moron?'" 

“No, sir." 

"If someone walked in and ordered corned 
beef, would you say, "There's an Irishman. He 
must be a drun! 

“No, of cou: 

"Or if a person walked in and ordered grits, 
would you say, "There's a Southerner. He must 
be a redneck?'" 

"Absolutely not." 

"Then, if you don't mind my asking, what is 
your problem, young man?" 

“This is a hardware store.” 


Every time the territorial Indian agent rode 
into the reservation, he was greeted with an 
upwardly thrust middle finger from an old 
brave. The old man would then lower his arm 
and thrust the extended digit outward. 

"Look," the exasperated agent finally said, 
^] know what this is, but what the hell is that?” 

"This, explained the Indian, “is for you. 
And that is for the horse you rode in on." 


Following last November's sweeping Republi- 
can election victories, a reelected incumbent 
governor was asked by a reporter what he con- 
sidered to be the cause of such low voter 
turnout—ignorance or apathy? 

“Frankly,” the happy winner declared, “I 
don't know—and I don't care." 


Р. „уво crassi: A 50-year-old woman was 
posing nude in front of the mirror when her 
husband passed by. “I was at my gynecologist 
today,” she said, preening, “and he said I have 
the breasts of a 30-year-old.” 

"Yeah?" he muttered. “What'd he have to 
say about your ass?” 

“Oh, your name didn't even come up, dear.” 


Tras MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: 
When a nd asked why he had missed a 
week of work, Kevin explained that it all start- 
ed with a terrible nightmare. “I dreamed I 
went to bed with Tonya Harding, Lorena Bob- 
bit and Hillary Clinton." 

"So?" 

"The next morning," Kevin explained, "I 
woke up with a broken kneecap, a severed pe- 
nis and no health insurance.” 


А Navy captain executed a few fancy maneu- 
vers with his cri r that had never been 
taught at the academy. The admiral flashed a 
quick message. When told by the skipper to 
read it in front of a bridge full of officers, the 
radioman hesitated. “Read it, damn it!” the 
captain barked. 

"You are the stupidest, most ignorant S.O.B. 
ever put on God's green ocean!" the seaman 
reported. 

"All right, son," the quick-thinking captain 
said, "take that below and have it decoded." 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


"I'd like to fix up my basement like this." 


103 


104 


YBOY PROFILE 


C2URT MAGIC 


TWO WEEKS before Christmas, when prep- 
arations for O.J. Simpson's trial were 
reaching fever pitch, Johnnie Cochran 
Jr. took a few hours off from his star 
Client's case. He went down to Watts, 
climbed into the back ofa white Cadillac 
convertible and rode through the streets 
as a star in his own right, the grand 
marshal of the Watts Christmas parade. 
The crowds adored him, and Cochran, 
resplendent in a purple blazer, black 
turtleneck and gold-rimmed designer shades, loved them 
back. He flashed his Eveready smile and waved with the 
panache of a big-city mayor. He told a television reporter 
that he vas there asa role model: "Children in this commu- 
nity,” he said, “need to know they can be anything they want 
to be.” As his Caddy cruised by, some onlookers called, "Hey, 
Johnnie! Hey, Johnnie!" and others shouted, "Free O.].! 
ОЈ. must be freed!” 

АП of this was to be expected, given Simpson's status as a 
national fetish and Cochrar's status as the nation's top black 
lawyer. What Cochran did not expect was an encounter with 
a woman in her 70s who came up to his car and told him 
warmly, "You used to be my insurance man." 

He could hardly believe it. That was almost 40 years ago, 
when he was a student at UCLA, working part-time for his 
father, Johnnie Cochran Sr., an agent with the black-owned 
Golden State Mutual Life Insurance Co. and a silver- 
tongued superachiever. Every Friday night, when people 
were home watching the fights on TV, Johnnie Jr. would go 
into the old Palm Lane housing project in South Central to 
collect premium payments and sell new polices. "Thats 
amazing!” Cochran thought to himself as he shook the 
woman's hand. "I'm a child of this community myself." 

A few weeks later, Johnnie Cochran was again the focus of 
attention when O.]. Simpson shook up his defense team. 
Cochran emerged on top, in a position of prominence that 
bespoke his client's unqualified confidence—and his peers’ 


EVERYBODY LOVES 
JOHNNIE COCHRAN. 
BUT CAN HIS REPUTA- 
TION SURVIVE O.J.? 


BY JOE MORGENSTERN 


admiration. Robert Shapiro, one of the 
shaken, called Johnnie Cochran “the best 
lawyer on the planet” to try the case be- 
fore a jury. 

For astute O.J. watchers, this was no 
surprise. Indeed, the only surprise was 
how long it had taken Cochran to join the 
defense lineup. Lawyers in Los Angeles 
considered him the most plausible pick 
from the start—first, because he’s so good 
and so experienced, and then, for rea- 
sons of obvious but essential symbolism, because he’s black. 
The guessing was that O.J. had wanted him from the start, 
but that Cochran had resisted because of conflicts stemming 
from their friendship. 

“I did resist,” Cochran says. “It’s true. He called me a 
bunch of times over the weekend he got arrested. I had gone 
to give a speech to the NAACP Legal Section in Chicago, and 
I got all these calls through my answering service. But I had 
some real reluctance.” 

Cochran is talking with me in the sun-drenched den of his 
home in the Hollywood Hills, a white, hard-edged, ultra- 
modern affair perched on a hillside just below Griffith Park 
Observatory. Its a hot Monday morning, the day after 
Christmas. "I've known O.J. since he went to USC,” he con- 
tinues. "We didn't go out and party together, we weren't best 
friends. We knew each other, knew each other's families. 1 
knew Marguerite, his first wife. 1 didn't know Nicole that 
well. His daughter and the daughter of one of my dear 
friends graduated from Howard University in 1992, and 
OJ. and I threw a graduation party for them. 

"So we would see each other, but 1 didn't go out with him 
and Al Cowlings and the guys, that sort of thing. Still, I knew 
him better than I've known anybody else who has been 
charged with homicide, and that was why I wondered if I 
could be objective. 

"Then I knew, because of all the media attention, that. 
people would say, ‘Gee, Shapiro's (continued on page 144) 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LEVINE 


N 


106 


POKER MAY BE A MAN'S GAME, 
BUT DARLENE KNOWS A FEW TRICKS 
THE GUYS NEVER HEARD OF 


FICTION BY RICHARD CHIAPPONE 


ARLENE KNOWS she was asked to play only because 

they needed a fifth for the game, but she's 

worked 17 straight days now, and the Friday 

night options for entertainment on this little is- 

land are not good. She is determined to be one of 
the boys. There's the cook, two maintenance electricians 
from the fish plant, a Filipino man she's seen driving a fork- 
lift on the dock and her. She hasn't won a pot all night and 
is down almost $30, but she's promised herself she's not go- 
ing to get bent out of shape over every damn thing. That 
was the whole point in taking the cannery kitchen job on 
this rain-soaked chunk of Alaskan rock. Getting away from 
the pressures of city life a little, learning to relax. Anyway, 
this is only a two-dollar-limit game, and with the salmon 
season in full swing and the plant running three shifts, 
there are plenty of dishes to wash and she's getting all the 
overtime she can handle. 

“What's the game again?" Darlene asks. She pours a little 
morc tequila into her plastic cup, another splash of Moun- 
tain Dew. The absurdly green concoction looks and tastes 
like radiator coolant, but it's impossible to get alcohol in 
Chignik Bay, and the pint of Cuervo was the only thing 
she'd been able to score under the table. She pours a bit 
more into the Mountain Dew. What the hell, it's a friend- 
ly game. 

“I just called it. Seven stud, Follow the Queen,” the cook 
says. He's already dealt two cards facedown in front of 
everyone and is about to turn the next one up. He's mid- 
40s, a former Marine—he's told Darlene all about it: Nam, 
Cambodia—but he's gone to fat now, kept the haircut, lost 
the muscle. He wears a short cropped beard that extends 
from just under his eye sockets down across two substantial 
chins and on all the way into the collar of his bulging srawn 
TILL you pre T-shirt. It gives Darlene the impression that his 
whole body is carpeted with the same half-inch, translucent, 
gray-white hairs. Along with the belly, the slouch and the 
watery pink eyes, the effect is undeniable: Everyone calls 
him Possum. 

Possum pauses and lets Billy, the younger of the two 


PAINTING BY PAT ANDREA 


| 
| 


PLAYBOY 


108 


electricians, break a twenty and buy 
more of the red plastic wire connector 
nuts they're using for chips. The other 
electrician, Walter, a late-middle-aged 
man with the full beard and leathery 
wrinkles of a lifetime sourdough, is the 
banker for the game. While they work 
out the transaction, Darlene takes a 
swallow of her drink and tries to re- 
member what Follow the Queen is ex- 
actly. These guys play strictly kitchen- 
table poker, with so many wild cards 
and twists on the last card and such 
that it’s hard to keep track of them all: 
Low Chicago, High Chicago, Blind 
Baseball, Roll Your Own, Crisscross, 
Royal Birth—it goes on and on. 

They are playing in Possum's room, 
опе of the elementary classrooms at the 
village school rented out during the 
summer months to cannery workers. 
There are chalkboards and bulletin 
boards, and tiny wood-and-metal desks 
stacked almost to the ceiling in one cor- 
ner. The table they are playing on 
tonight barely clears Darlene's knees, 
and she can't help thinking they should 
be working with white paste and con- 
struction paper instead of a poker 
deck. While Billy counts out his new 
wire nuts, she stands and stretches her 
legs. She pulls the tail of her blouse out 
of her jeans and smooths it over her 
hips with her palms. Leaning into the 
dish sink all day has put a knot in her 
neck a sailor would be proud of, and 
now she throws her head back and rolls 
it from side to side. When she looks 
back down she realizes Billy has fin- 
ished counting and that they are all 
staring up at her from their tiny mold- 
ed-plastic chairs. 

“Follow the Queen?" she says, easing 
back down. She raises her eyebrows 
quizzically. “Tell me again how it goes?" 

Possum clutches the deck tighter and 
pouts, letting Darlene know he doesn't 
plan to repeat himself. The truth is, 
when he explained the game she was 
chatting, doing some innocent flirting 
across the table with Billy. She casts a 
needy eye his way again. 

"Remember we played it earlier?" 
Billy says, smiling. He's smitten for 
sure, and he's a real cutie too—tall and 
blond with big blue Norwegian eyes a 
lot like her own. But he's way too 
young for her, and in any case the oth- 
er thing she promised herself when she 
signed on for the summer was that she 
would do the whole stretch without any 
of that kind of action, for once in her 
life. Those were her resolutions: For 
the next three months she was not go- 
ing to get angry and she was not going 
to get laid. She had a vague theory that 
if she could avoid one of those she 
might avoid the other. 

“Follow the Quee 
her again. “You know.” 


Billy prompts 


“I think so,” Darlene says. 

“Follow the Bitch,” Possum says. 
“Follow the mop-squeezing Bitch.” He 
shoots Darlene an exaggerated, fake- 
apologetic glance, like he's suddenly 
realized there 15 a lady present. He 
makes it look playful, but when he 
dealt this game earlier he said the same 
rude thing, and there is a trace of heat 
in his words that Darlene recognizes 
right off. 

It's just talk, she tells herself. Marine 
stuff. Construction-guy talk. And she's 
heard way worse every day of her life— 
who hasn't? She isn't going to let it 
bother her. 

“What's wild?” 

Possum ignores her and begins flip- 
ping the cards, announcing each one 
out loud as though no one else at the 
table can read them. "Billy gets a six. A 
nine of hearts for Walter. Roberto gets 
سج‎ 

"Are queens wild?" She's doing it 
now half to piss him off. "Are they? 
Queens?” 

Possum closes his eyes and peels the 
next card off the top of the deck. He 
holds it there upright in front of him 
but doesn't look at it. Through 
clenched jaws he says, "If a queen turns 
up, the next card, the one that follows, 
becomes the wild card. Comprendo?” 

“Why, thank you,” she says. “Thank 
you, Possum." 

When he opens his eyes, his face col- 
lapses. "Well, wouldn't you just fucking 
know i?" He throws the card, the 
queen of clubs, to the man sitting on 
Darlene's right, the Filipino named 
Roberto. Roberto is a good player, qui- 
et and smart, takes every bet seriously. 
At times, Darlene gets the impression 
he pretends not to speak English well 
in order to avoid all the table talk. She's 
seen plenty of real players like Roberto 
back in Las Vegas. 

"Now you wil be getting de wile 
card," Roberto says to her as the queen 
settles їп front of him. "Next card. See? 
Pallow de queen." 

"Natch," Possum says. "She would 
get the candy." He turns over another 
card and flips it to her. “Seven. Sevens 
are wild. For now, anyway. If another 
queen rolls, everything changes.” He 
deals himself an ace of diamonds. “It's 
your bet,” he says. “With the seven 
wild, you got a pair at the very least. 
You do understand that?” 

She peeks at her two down cards, 
though she just looked at them as they 
were dealt to her—the move of a rook- 
ie, she’s aware, because serious stud 
players, Roberto for instance, always 
wait until they get their first faceup 
card before looking in the hole. Who 
knows why? Maybe it’s some kind of 
macho self-discipline thing. It reminds 
her of her first husband and the way he 


used to strut around every time he 
managed a “one match” campfire. 
You'd think he'd gained pecker length 
or something. 

"Yoo-hoo," Possum says. "Anybody 
in there?” 

“Wait,” she says. “I have to thin 

“Don't threaten us.” He gets a smile 
all around. 

She takes her time staring at the pair 
of sevens she has in the hole to match 
the one faceup. Three wild cards. It 
sets her heart pounding way out of 
proportion to the low limit in this 
game. She feels the heat rising to her 
face and tugs at the neck of her blouse. 

“Two dollars,” she says, throwing out 
eight wire nuts. "That's the most I can 
bet, right?” She pulls the pin from her 
hair, which she shakes out so that it 
falls, blonde and shimmering, over her 
shoulders and down the front of her 
blouse. “This is fun!” 

"Give a woman a wild сага...” Pos- 
sum says. He rolls his eyeballs skyward, 
but Darlene notices that they stop and 
linger at the point where her hair ends 
along the ridge of her breasts. She 
fingers a button as though she might 
unfasten it. He toys with the pile of 
wire nuts in front of him. “Oh, how I'd 
love to raise,” he says. “There is noth- 
ing in this world I would like better 
than that. Nothing.” 

Darlene can think of one or two 
things he'd like better. She says, “I 
hope I'm not stopping you." 

"I'm not even going to try to ex- 
plain." He simply matches her bet. Bil- 
ly and Walter both see the bet as well, 
though there was no question that they 
would. They truly seem to be playing 
for fun, and Darlene believes it's be- 
cause they probably make the unbe- 
lievable wages everyone says that 
they do. 

The Filipino, Roberto, cuts his dark 
eyes at her, then back to his hand, care- 
fully considering his queen and what- 
ever he's got in the hole, then back to 
her again. She raises her drink and 
salutes him with it. He slides in his two 
dollars worth of wire nuts. "I dont 
know "bout dis one." He motions to- 
ward Darlene with his head. 

She holds the cup to her lips and 
barely touches the liquid with the tip of 
her tongue. Across the table, Billy's 
neck goes red. Possum glares at her. 

“Pot's right,” he says. Still looking at 
her, he takes a sip of his beer, dries his 
fingers on his T-shirt and starts dealing 
the next round. “Follow the ballbuster. 
A jack for Billy. Nine of spades for Wal- 
ter makes a pair. A jack for Roberto. 
And a queen for Missy! Free ride's over 
now, little lady. Sevens are no longer 
wild, and the next card is mine.” 

He's puffing up like the big sculpins 

(continued on page 153) 


“Let's see now: Jennifer . . . тей hair... green eyes . . . great body . . . needs lots of 
foreplay . . . loves oval sex." 


109 


PART SENEN IN A SERIES $e BY DANID STANDISH 


ROCK IN THE SIXTIES TOOK A LONG, STRANGE TRIP 


LAUR 


THEY ran in- 
to each oth- 
er on the 
London 
subway. 
Mick Jagger 
was carrying an armload 
of records he had just re- 
ceived in the mail from 
Chess Records in Chica- 
E Keith Richards was 
nocked out that Jagger 
had them. They were 
amazed that they were 
both into Chicago blues 
and Chuck Berry. 
They'd known each 
other growing up in sub- 
urban Dartford but 
hadn't been close friends. 
But starting in 1960 they 
began hanging out to- 
gether, largely on the ba- 
sis of their mutual inter- 
est in urban American 


blues. One night they 


found themselves at the Marquee Club in Ealing, where 


The group's lineup shift- 
ed for a while before and 
after its July 1962 debut 
at the Marquee Club, but 
had setted into its clas- 
sic aggregation early in 
1963. Drummer Charlie 
Watts at first had hesitat- 
ed for financial reasons— 
he was a designer at an ad 
agency and drummer for 
Blues Inc. And Bill 
Wyman, according to leg- 
end, was hired as much 
for his loud, expensive 
amp as for his bass-play- 
ing abilities or charisma. 
After the Beatles had 
stormed America, the 
Stones were poised to fol- 
low. Eventually, it was 
called the British Inva- 
sion, but it resembled 
more the U.S. buying 
England's version of its 
own music. 
By the mid-Sixties the American pop charts were 


they had gone to see Alexis Korner's Blues Inc. Back dominated by British rock groups—the Beatles (who 


then the British blues scene was tiny, and everybody 
knew everybody else. A special guest was announced, 


someone they had never heard of. As Richards re- 

membered it—appropriately enough in a Rolling 

Stone history of rock and roll—“Suddenly it's El- 

more James, this cat, man. And it's Brian, man. 1 

said, "What the fuck?" Playing bar slide guitar! We 
get into Brian after he’s finished Dust My Broom. 
He's really fantastic and a gas. He's doing the same 
as we'd been doing, thinking he was the only cat in 
the world who was doing it." 

It was the birth of the Rolling Stones. The band 
came together around Brian Jones, the blond- 
banged original leader of the Stones, whose interest 

in obscure American rhythm and blues set 
the direction 
of the band. 


started it, of course), the Rolling Stones, the Animals, 
the Kinks, even Herman's Hermits for the preteen 


crowd. With the exception of what was going on at De- 
troi's Motown and Bob Dylar's creating his own 
world, the Brits were it. 
The Beatles and the Stones simply rediscovered 
American music of the 
Fifties. The Beatles 
were motivated Nine 4 
primarily by sl KZ 
Chuck v 
Berryand ğ 
Buddy = 
Holy fÁ 
Keith = 
Richards 
would 


They're great! They're 7 
THEYRE ENGLAND! 


The rock revolution of the Sixties was fueled by peace, love, dope—ond guitars, such 
as Keith Richard's (above). The British Invosion was led by the Beatles, who were soon followed by the grittier 


Rolling Stones (above right). Mick Jagger could have been one of the Blue Meanies in Yellow Submarine (left). The Beatles’ in- 
creosingly mind-exponded music, stoked by marijuana (leaf and joint, obove), offected everybody, musicians and fans alike 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BOSWICK IN THE STYLE OF HEINZ EOELMANN 


11 


The influence of Bob 
Dylan (lefi) on Sixties 
rock con't be overes- 
timated. His songs 
were a three-way 
merge of folk, rock 
and beotnik amphetamine existentiolism, a new Americana 
His former backup group, the Band (above), produced timeless 
country rock sounding more like outhentic American folklore 
than new pop tunes. Meanwhile, in England, a second batch of 
bluesy Brits hit the omps—including the Yardbirds (inset), Eric 
Burdor!'s Animals (top right) ond the best cf them, Creom (right), 
whose stor, guitarist Eric Clapton, just keeps getting better. 


become the heir to Chuck Berry's guitar style, but the 
a Stones were generally influenced 
` more by the urban bluesmen of 

the Fifties: Howlin’ Wolf, John 
ym. Lee Hooker, Elmore James 
EVEN THE E and Muddy Waters. (It was 
from the title of one of 
Muddy's songs that the 
Stones had taken their 


PRESIDENT OF 
THE UNITED 


STATES SOME- АНЕ) 
E TIMES MUST G ) However, both the 
HAVE TO STAND Stones and the Beatles 
y RARE turned these borrowed 


roots into something en- 


—BOB DYLAN 
к @ tirely their own, though 
EN d the Stones finally remained 


> > truer to their school than the 
=e Beades did tithes: 


For the Beatles it was only three 


years from the infectiously insipid I Want 
to Hold Your Hand to 1967's Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club 
Band album, an ambitious integration of songs far re- 
moved from the usual Fifties rock themes of teen love 
and loss—an album generally considered as one of a few 

perfect ones, along with Miles Davis' 1959 


Kind of Blue. And the @ 
Stones made the 
transformation even sooner 
with their 1965 (I Can't Get No) 
Satisfaction, perhaps the first true Sixties 
rock anthem. Satisfaction had a great riff 
and bottom invented by Keith Richards 
while fussing late one night with his new Gib- 
son fuzz box in a Chicago hotel room. It was a new syn 
thesis for the Stones, taking their bluesy R&B-style rock 
somewhere cheerfully angst-ridden—not an oxymoron if 
you were 19 in 1965—into territory darker than the Bea- 
tles generally traveled. 

Soon the Stones were writing Get Off of My Cloud (their 
follow-up hit to Satisfaction), 19th Nervous Breakdown— 
and, in 1968, the paradigmatic Sympathy for the Devil. 
They had learned profitably to walk the dark side of the 
street, but seemed to believe in the dark side too. Only 


See Dick run. Dick is not o crook. By 1968 revolution was in 
X the air—calls for liberation on oll fronts, including burning 
“bros. But the anti-Vietnom protests at the Chicogo Demo- 
"erotic Convention in August proved futile. Nixon was 


x elected and escalated the wor. The rift between freaks 


ond straights deepened. ~~ 


Tolking "baut my generation: Pete Townshend (lacking semiregol, center) and the Who's stuttering anthem summed up the second wove 
of Sixties rock, os did his fondness far smashing guitors [survivar above). At Monterey Pop in 1967 Jonis Joplin (filmstrip above) tack o 
little piece of everyone's heart, including thot of underground cortoonist Robert Crumb, who drew the Cheap Thrills album cover (below 
left). Also ot Monterey, Otis Redding (lower right, above) reclaimed his own Respect from Aretha. The Mothers af Invention, led by Fronk 
Zoppo (upper right), were moking weirdly wonderful musicol colloges ond sociol sotire. On the other hand, Jim Morrison (lower left, 
above], lead singer of the Doors, wos the intensely brooding, self-destructive prince of rock—a latter-doy Rimbaud in block leather. 


later, when the Beatles were sadly зерагайпр in- 
to oil and water, did John Lennon write such 
bitter, ironic songs as Happiness Is a Warm 
Gun, Revolution 9 and Helter Shelter. 
For the Beatles’ huge American au- 
dience the band's initial image was as 
charming, decent puppies in suits, if 
in need of haircuts. Only teenage 
girls could tell the moptops apart. 
The Rolling Stones, except for Bri- 
an Jones, were decidedly uglier 
than the Beatles. They 
were Hell's Angels with 
55 guitars, in black leather 
with bad teeth, lower-class Wi 
' and dangerous. 
In both cases image differed 
from reality. The Beatles were actually 
4 more working-class than the Stones. Lennon, Are you experienced? Jimi Hendrix 
born in 1940, grew up as a gen- (right, playing the Stratocaster he loved) re- 
vine greaser hell-raiser. He was defined guitor playing. His sometimes rooring, 
known as one of the most accom- sometimes gentle blues sound took you 
plished thieves in Liverpool, with a ор into the psychedelic haze right along 
rough, smart mouth and winkle- with him. His deft, idiosyncratic style 
picker boots. His sailor father dis- wos so rich few have succeeded ot im- 
appeared during Lennon's child- itoting or elobo- 
hood; his mother died when he rating an it 
was a teenager. With Paul Mc- since his death Mec. 
Cartney, Lennon played in a at 27 іп 1970. NL 


Liverpool group called the Quarrymen, per- 
forming mostly skiffle music, a late-Fifties 
British aberration combining music-hall, 
pop and folk styles into a music whose 
description and appeal seems mysteri- 
ous to most non-Brits. But Lennon 
and McCartney were listening to 
rock and roll, too, and were writing 
songs together as early as 1957. 
George Harrison, three years 
younger than Lennon and a year 
younger than McCartney, joined the 
group in 1958. 
In 1960 the Beatles came into be- 
ing, first calling themselves 
Long John & the Silver 
Beatles. 


v 


Lennon had a 
fast wit that he 
could use to slash 
people to shreds. He 
was enrolled in art 
school when the Bea- 
tes started taking off, 
both locally at Liver- | 
pool’s Cavern Club and | 
during long, loud nights | 
at clubs filled with rowdy | 
US. servicemen оп Ham- | 
burg's Reeperbahn. The J 
Beatles soon became a 
tough bar band, playing crude, hard versions of Fifties 
American rock—Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Buddy Holly, 
Eddie Cochran—along with originals written in the same 
vein by Lennon and McCartney. The point was to make mu- 
sic that could cut through the noise and the smoke. 

The songs that Lennon and McCartney wrote were ulti- 
mately the reason for their unprecedented success—12 


Today their popularity fills stodiums with 
young, second-generotion, fie-dyed 
Deodheods. Jerry Gor- 
cio (left, reloxing) ond 
the Groteful Deod 
seem to be living proof the Six- 
fies reolly hoppened after all. One of 
the originol Son Froncisco acid 
bonds—any clues obout what the 
cover ond title of the 1969 LP 
Аохотохоа (below) might 
meon?—they keep on truckin', 
despite their touch of gray. 


number one hit sin- 
gles through 1966. 
At first the chemistry 
was perfect. Paul Mc- 
Cartney, the cute, 
sweet Beatle, bub- 
bled over with patch- 
es of melodies and 
snatches of clever 
lyrics. Ironic John 
Lennon, with a 
sparser musical 
imagination, was the 
finisher, completing 
and puting some 
steel into McCart- 


SOMETIMES THE 
LIGHT'S ALL 
SHINING ON ME, 
OTHER TIMES 1 
CAN BARELY 
SEE. LATELY IT 
OCCURS TO ME, 


ney's half-formed WHAT A LONG 

thoughts. STRANGE TRIP 
Together, the two SEN 

were опе genius, as 

Rubber Soul (1965) at THE GRATEFUL 

tests. Separately, they DEAD 


were just bright and 
talented. But as their 
success mushroomed, so did their egos, 
and on 1968's The Beatles (commonly 
known as the "White Album") you can 
pick out the Lennon or McCartney tracks. 
"They were no longer collaborators, but 
competitors. Along the way, Lennon had 
gouen even more coolly existential, and 
had taken up with artist Yoko Ono. Mc- 
Carey was singing about Rocky Rac- 
coon, his saccharine side unchecked. You 
can hear this separation starkly in the 
post-Beatles work of both: none of Mc- 
Cartney's or Lennon's solo work comes 
close to their best collaborative music. 
Lennon was deficient in musical ideas, giv- 
en more frequently to polemic than to 
rocking. McCartney offered a sweet pastiche of overpro- 
duced, forgettable stuff. 

Through longevity and a 30-year recording 
history of hit after hit, the Rolling Stones de- 
serve their billing as the world’s greatest rock 
band. But back in the mid-Sixties, the Stones 
lived in the shadow of the Beatles and were 
British rock’s bad boys to the seemingly 
goody-goody Fab Four. 

John Lennon was more of a true greaser 
than Mick Jagger ever was. Jagger grew up 
middle-class in a London suburb and was a 
student at the London School of Economics 
when the Stones started getting together. 

Like Lennon and McCartney in Liver- 
pool, Jagger and Richards had been child- 
hood friends. They had been pals when they 
were seven or eight, but their families moved 
in different directions and they didn't see 
each other much until they were teenagers 
on the subway. In high school, Mick was 
preparing for college, while Keith was a stu- 
dent at a London art school—but more 


The August 1969 Woodstock Festival (obove) is remembered os the cosmic tribal gothering of the, well, 

Woodstock Generotion. Unfortunately, it wosn't the dawning of the oge of Aquorius but the finol flowering 
ond the end of Sixties hippie ideolism. No more grooving on compy Fifties lovo lomps (above) ond Anthem of 
the Sun (the Deod's bones-and-roses symbol, right) through long, sweet, for-out nights. The disastrous Altomont 
Festivol four months loter reflected the darker spirit of the times. In the face of the Vietnom wor, the promise of flower 
power wilted quickly. The next generotion would decide thot moking money wos cooler thon weoring flowers in your hoir. 


SCULPTURE BY PARVIZ SADIGHIAN INTHE STYLE DF GEORGE SEGAL 


PLAYBOY 


116 


interested in the blues than he was 
in Gauguin. 

The tiny British blues scene of the 
time revolved around the two centers 
of Alexis Korner and Cyril Davies, 
mentors of a passionate group of 
young British musicians who found 
something resonant in the music of the 
American urban ghetto and the coun- 
пу bayou. 

"The blues had been the wellspring of 
jazz since the 19th century, born in 
slave fields and turn-ofthe-century 
Mississippi logging camps. The music 
endured, through Louis Armstrong 
with pianist Earl Hines in the Twenties, 
Charlie Parker in the Forties, rhythm. 
and blues in the early Fifties, the hard 
bop jazz of the mid-Fifties—and, of 
course, white folks' blues, rock and roll. 
Blues—which had a certain sadness 
that was somchow made cheerful—was 
behind it all. 

And the eventual popularity of the 
Rolling Stones, the Allman Brothers 
and Cream among white suburban 
teenagers proved that you didn't have 
to be black to play the blues. 

Jagger and Richards started going to 
see Korner and Davies’ Blues Inc. at 
the rare clubs where the group could 
find gigs. Bland pop and trad jazz—a 
neo-Dixieland played, in these cases, 
by white Englishmen, a fairly frighten- 
ing thought—were the prevailing mu- 
sic styles in England at the time. 

Then came the night they met Brian 
Jones at the Marquee Club. Instead of 
starting out as the Beatles did in tough 
German bars, the Stones' first public 
performances were in hip art-crowd 
clubs in London. 

The Stones commitment to their 
musical roots served them well. The 
live Get Yer Ya-Yas Ош! (1970), for in- 
stance, has versions of Jagger-Richards 
collaborations such as Midnight Ram- 
Мет, Street Fighting Man and Sympathy for 
the Devil—along with stuff that original- 
ly inspired them: the traditional blues, 
Love In Vain, and two Chuck Berry 
tunes, Carol and Little Queente. 

When Brian Jones, troubled by drug 
arrests and being aced out of the band 
he had founded, was found dead at the 
bottom of his swimming pool on July 3, 
1969, Mick Jagger had long since be- 
come the front man—if not entirely the 
leader—of the Stones. Jagger was cer- 
tainly the most popular with fans, any- 
way. His pouty wraparound lips and 
electric-rooster moves, plus the obvi- 
ous fuck-you gleam in his eye, made 
him a natural candidate. As he's 
proved since, Mick was upwardly mo- 
bile, a jet-seuer and a cháteau-in-the- 
south-of-France sort of working-class 
hero. 

Not so Keith Richards, who deserves 
the title of Mr. Rock and Roll if any- 


one does. He personifies attitude, the 
live-for-the-moment existentialism that 
runs through the heart of rock and 
roll. Richards still smokes unfiltered 
cigarettes and has had a prodigious ap- 
petite for a variety of drugs. And he is 
the group's true rocker. In recent in- 
terviews Richards has talked about the 
retirement of original bassist Bill Wy- 
man, and about the coming and going 
of Mick Taylor as lead guitarist in the 
Seventies: “My gut reaction was that 
nobody leaves the band, except in a 
coffin.” Richards is still gigging in ob- 
scure joints while Mick has his feet up 
in the sun in France and Mustique. In 
deference to the cameras, Richards 
had his lopsided graveyard teeth 
capped, yet he isn’t very good at acting 
as rich as he actually is. But he’s the 
best guitarist ever to graduate from the 
Chuck Berry school, and among other 
rock musicians is generally considered 
the best rock rhythm guitarist ever, a 
role underappreciated by fans but cru- 
cial to the Stones’ sound. 

Soon Brits—good, bad and awful— 
were all over the U.S. pop charts. The 
year 1964 saw the American chart de- 
buts of the Animals (House of the Rising 
Sun), Chad and Jeremy, the Dave Clark 
Five, Gerry and the Pacemakers, Her- 
man’s Hermits, the Kinks (You Really 
Got Me), Lulu, Peter and Gordon, the 
Searchers and the Zombies (She's Not 
There)—to name a few. 


Starting in 1964, the Beatles and the 
Stones dominated the American charts. 
But the biggest—and best—home- 
grown American stalwart against the 
onslaught of British groups in the mid- 
Sixties was Detroit's Motown. Until 
1967 or so Motown almost single- 
handedly slugged it out with the Brits 
in the top ten. 

The record company was started by 
Berry Gordy Jr. in 1959. Согду was 
then 30 and had grown up in Detroit. 
He had been a professional boxer and 
a songwriter, and it was while boxing 
that he met Jackie Wilson. Wilson was a 
Golden Gloves champion whose moth- 
er had convinced him to drop boxing, 
finish school and work on his singing. 
Gordy's own boxing career ended 
when he was drafted and sent to Ko- 
rea. When Gordy returned in 1953, he 
bought the 3-D Record Mart, which 
specialized in jazz—Gordy's first love— 
but he lost money and gave up after 
two years. He then took a job on an as- 
sembly line at the Ford plant in Fort 
Wayne, Indiana to support his wife and 
young daughter. But in 1957, Jackie 
Wilson, after four successful years with 
the Dominoes (he had replaced Clyde 
McPhatter as lead singer), decided to 


go solo—with Gordy as his songwriter. 
“Their first collaboration, 1957's Reet Pe- 
tite, made the charts, as did a few oth- 
ers. Their biggest hit together, Lonely 
Teardrops, was number one on the R&B 
charts for seven weeks in 1959—Mo- 
town's first year. By the end of the Six- 
ties, Gordy was the wealthiest black 
businessman in America. 

Motown started out, and for many 
years remained, a family operation. 
Gordy hired relatives and friends, and 
often it was difficult to tell the talent 
from the office staff. Early on, Smokey 
Robinson, when he wasn't singing lead 
on recording sessions with the Mira- 
cles, played drums on sessions for oth- 
er groups. Gladys Knight started out 
doing odd jobs but also sang backup 
for various groups. Teenaged Diana 
Ross hung out there, earning an occa- 
sional $2 per session for doing hand- 
claps. And, at first, Stevie Wonder was 
a little kid wandering around the place 
only because Martha Reeves of the 
Vandellas babysat for him and brought 
him along to work. 

But Motown was, in many respects, 
also a factory Gordy had learned 
something during his years on the as- 
sembly line. As he said to Barbara Wal- 
ters recently on 20/20, "I noticed the 
way the beautiful brand-new cars 
would start out as frames and end up 
as brand-new cars. And 1 wanted the 
same thing for Motown. 1 wanted an 
artist to come in the front door as an 
unknown and go out another door as a 
recording artist and a star." 

The team of Holland-Dozier-Hol- 
land, which turned out many Motown 
hits—most notably for the Supremes— 
isa good example of Motown's produc- 
tion-line technique. As Sharon Davis 
says in her book Motown—The History, 
“Lamont Dozier was responsible for 
creating the song, with Eddie Holland 
assisting on lyrics and melody. Brian 
Holland engineered the song's struc- 
ture and overall sound.” 

Everybody would work on songs all 
week. On Friday there would be a qual- 
ity-control meeting where Gordy 
would decide which songs were good 
enough to release. He instituted a 
charm school for his female perform- 
ers and required everyone to take in- 
house dance lessons for their stage rou- 
tines. Gordy was so opposed to 
substandard work and lateness that he 
levied fines and had a time clock in- 
stalled. Songs, performers and session 
players were shuffled like cards, and 
Gordy was the dealer. The result was 
the distinctive Motown Sound, which 
brought hit after hit throughout the 
Sixties. 

And no wonder. The list of Sixties 
Motown acts, many of them from 

(continued on page 136) 


“And henceforth, and for all time, this place shall be known 
as the Crater of Carolyn.” 


117 


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WHERE,& HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155, 


e 


cone 


SAMUEL 1. JACKSON 


emember Samuel L. Jackson in "Rag- 

time,” “Sea of Love,” “Coming to 
America,” "Do the Right Thing,” "Mo' Bet- 
ter Blues,” “Jungle Fever,” “Goodfellas,” 
“Eddie Murphy Raw,” “White Sands,” 
“School Daze,” “Patriot Games," “Juice,” 
“Amos and Andrew,” “True Romance” and 
“Jurassic Park"? We didn't think so. Jack- 
son likes it that way. Disappearing into a 
character is a favorite pastime. Jackson's ro- 
mance with anonymity is over, though. His 
turn in “Pulp Fiction,” as Jules, the Bible- 
quoting hit man who experiences a sign from 
God, is as unforgettable as the character's 
Sheri Curl hairstyle. Next, he will appear in 
“Losing Isaiah” with Jessica Lange, in 
"Kiss of Death" with David Caruso and 
Nicolas Cage and in “Die Hard With a 
Vengeance.” Contributing Editor David 
Rensin spoke with. Jackson while the actor 
was wrapping up production on “Die Hard.” 
Says Rensin, “Jackson not only loves to act, 
he needs to. He's been known to take just 
about any role that comes his way. 1 do й be- 
cause асіотѕ act and waiters wait,’ Jackson 
said. A producer told me a long time ago 
that there's something very right about actors 
who work and something very wrong about 
those who don't.’ Now all he needs to do is 
find time for more golf.” 


È 


PLAYBOY: You carried a mysterious 

briefcase for much of Pulp Fiction. What 

was inside? 

JACKSON: My character, Jules, never 

looked in. Marcellus wanted it, he sent. 
me to get it, and 


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PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 


most beautiful thing they had ever seen 
or their greatest desire. When I looked 
inside, between scenes, I saw two lights 
and some batteries. What I would have 
wanted to see are the next ten films I'm 
going to do and hope that they're all as 
good as Pulp Fiction. 


2. 


pLayBoy: What's in your shoulder bag? 
JACKSON: [Rummages inside] A three-ring 
binder for my script. Lots of pens and 
pencils. The keys to my house. A Swiss 
Army knife. Three pairs of glasses— 
reading glasses, distance glasses, sun- 
glasses. Call sheets. Some 8 x 10s of me 
that I sign for people when they ask for 
a picture. And a couple of comic books. 
Right now, it's The Return of the Mask 


3. 


PLAYBOY: How would life be better if it 
were more like the comics? Could we 
use a few superheroes? 

JACKSON: Comics are an outlet, an ез- 
cape. They're visually stimulating. It 
doesn't take a lot of intellec to figure 
out who's doing what to whom. But life 
wouldn't be so fulfilling if it were like 
the comics. I like not knowing exactly 
what's going to happen every day. I 
like trying to solve some of my own lit- 
tle dilemmas or helping other people 
solve theirs. Also, the world in a lot of 
comic books seems to be dosed, and 
there arent many different types of 
people. They're either superheroes or 
good or bad people. There's little mid- 
dle ground. Even so, the world would 
bean interesting place if there were su- 
perheroes. Unfortunately, they always 
seem to be tearing up a bunch of shit. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: In Pulp Fiction you worked 
yourself up to kill with a passage from 
Ezekiel. What other Bible verse do you 
know and when do you use it? 
JACKSON: Well, everybody knows "Jesus 
wept"—that's the shortest verse in the 
Bible. It came in handy when the Sun- 
day school teacher suddenly said, "OK, 
I want everybody to recite a Bible 
verse." But because John 3:16 and “Je- 
sus wept" were always taken before 
the teacher got to me, 1 memorized 
this odd passage: "The wind bloweth 
where it listeth and thou hearest the 
sound thereof, but can't tell whither it 
goeth or whither it cometh, for so is 
everyone who is born of the spirit." I 
knew nobody would say that. 


PLAYBOY: Describe the proper way to 
give a woman a foot massage. Spare no 
details. 

JACKSON: [Deep breath] Start with the 
large toe. Gently massage the under- 
side of it by pressing down on the nail, 
gently rubbing it between thumb and 
forefinger. Move on to the space be- 
tween the big toe and the next toc. 
Gently press that and rub it between 
your thumb and forefinger, adding 
your other hand and holding on to 
the big toe and rolling it gently while 
progressing down between each toe, 
pulling forward with a gentle pressing 
motion through each joint until you 
reach the nail, where you press really 
hard. Continue to massage the toes 
with your left hand while you press on 
the ball of the foot. Crab it with all four 
fingers, with the thumb on top of the 
foot, and press and roll slowly. Move 
back toward the arch, grab it with the 
forefinger and pull through the arch to 
the ball of the foot slowly, six, seven 
times. Then you start to massage the 
arch of the foot, moving slowly across 
to the outside of the foot. You take your 
hand from the toes and grab the heel 
and start to rotate it while you're still 
massaging the arch, pulling up toward 
the ball of the foot, gently pulling on 
the long toe as you rotate that foot. 
Then you take the heel, squeeze it with 
your hand and rub one hand along the 
outside, one hand along the inside, 
gently squeezing and pulling forward, 
going back to those toes and pressing 
them up, then pushing them down, 
pressing them all up, pushing them 
down. Then gently massage them 
again, moving back toward the ball of 
the foot, pressing all the way back to 
the heel, gently grabbing the Achilles 
tendon and squeezing it down into the 
heel and pulling forward while rotat- 
ing the foot in your hand. [Smiles] I've 
got my technique down pat. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: You and Travolta had great 
rambling philosophical conversations 
in Pulp Fiction. What did you talk about 
at length off camera? Who's more 
philosophical? 

JACKSON: John. He has this whole spiri- 
tual thing going on. I was always bull- 
shitting, trying to find out Hollywood 
dirt and things he was privy to. John 
is a walking encyclopedia of people 
He'sgotfunny (continued on page 132) 


121 


HAWAIIAN 


Although Heather Kristian (left) looks at home in a 
sarong and lei, she actually lives outside of Dallas. "I'm 
into speed," admits Dedra Blake (right), who laves to 
zoom around Alabama on her Horley. To change 
gears, she rides her Tennessee walking horse. During 
deer hunting season, yau'll find Deborah Anne (far 
right) deep in the woods af Michigan. Say hi ance mare 
ta Sung Hi (below), naw nestled among the flowers. 


: аге a blast,” says Wyndi Pinckney (above), who breezed to victory in Alabama. South — 
Boris (opposite page) has more than ten years' experience in beauty pageants but prefers to sing 
isten Holland (below left), a journalism student in Memphis, dreams of fol- 


onstoge in a Las Vegos-style revue. 
lowing in the footsteps of her favorite anchorwoman, Connie Chung. University of Georgia's Michelle Stanford (be- 
low right) is studying to be a phormacist. Her prescription for relaxation? A sunset, the beach and Horry Connick Jr. 


“I'm pure party animal,” soys Nancy Wilson (left), who 
enjoys hitting the dance clubs around Philadelphia. 
The beauties on the car hood (above, clockwise from 
top) are Amy Hayes, Shana Hiatt and Deborah Anne. 
Amy (opposite page) says that politics and parasailing 
really float her boat. Karate expert Sarah Hutchinson 
(below) gets her kicks by watching martial-arts movies. 


When Dana Mazzochi (above) was 15, her cholesterol level soared, so she changed her diet and became a personal fitness trainer in 
New York. Army brat Shana Hiatt (right) has lived in more than a half dozen states and now shares a home in New Jersey with a yellow 
180 Labrador retriever named Tiffany. Although she loves the sun, Shana is thrilled by bad weather: She collects pictures of thunderstorms. 


PLAYBOY 


132 


SAMUEL L. JACKSON 


(continued from page 121) 


You didn't understand why they were predators, on- 
ly that they had lost all sense of decency and value. 


anecdotes about everybody. He would 
tell those for a little while, then he'd 
start doing this spiritual thing about 
how grateful he was to be in his posi- 
tion, how it was so heartwarming. He 
uses words like heartwarming and love 
alot. That's funny to me. 


7. 


PLAYBOY: You've been good in so many 
films that stardom is just around the 
corner. Have you gotten any good ad- 
vice about the celebrity lifestyle from 
your more famous co-stars? 

Jackson: I asked Travolta and Bruce 
Willis how they deal with the celebrity 
thing. I said, “How do you deal with 
the fact that you can't go anywhere? 
And people who don't know who the 
fuck you are wanting to get in your 
space?" J can still ride the subway in 
New York. People don't bother me. At 
most, they come up to me and say, "1 
like your work." They don't want to 
tear off my clothes or become part of 
my life. But if Denzel Washington or 
Wesley Snipes were to walk down the 
street, there'd be 30 women following 
them. John and Bruce told me that I 
have this remarkable ability to remain 
normal and that I should hold on to 
that for as long as I can, because people 
will try to take it away from me and 
start digging into my life in ways that 
have nothing to do with what I do and 
who I am. They said I have to maintain 
a strong sense of who I am so I won't 
lose sight of my goals. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Although Snipes and Wash- 
ington have been busy with the ladies 
on-screen, black men still don’t get 
many opportunities to play the roman- 
tic lead. Imagine for us your turn. 
What are you saving for your bedroom 
moment? 

JACKSON: That bedroom look: eye con- 
tact that lets a woman know, “I’m real- 
ly with you and J love you.” The soft 
voice that goes along with и. And my 
ability to unhook a bra with one hand. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: Your hair never seems to be 
the same in any two movies. Recall the 
hair-care products in your life that 
have come and gone. 

Jackson: When I was a young child my 
mom and my grandmother put Royal 
Crown on my head. It’s like Vaseline 
that has a fragrance. It was in a round 


red cardboard can with a tin top and 
an embossed gold crown. As I got old- 
er, I used Vitalis because I related real- 
ly well to the TV commercial. But it 
had so much alcohol in it that it just 
made my hair dry and brittle. Next, 1 
entered the Brylereem phase. It was 
oily enough and gave me a sheen, but it 
didn't press my hair down—to make 
the waves that I liked. So 1 moved up to 
a product that was a really black thing 
that Richard Roundtree was the model 
for: Duke—a heavy, oily cream that 
made your hair really slick and hap- 
pening. You put a stocking cap on and 
it made your hair lay down really cool. 
At one point in college when I thought 
I was slick and I was out there in the 
street trying to be a hustler, 1 had my 
hair relaxed. Then I had an Afro, so 
I used Afrosheen. I used Vitapointe 
when I started to lose my hair because 
1 was trying to feed it and make it real- 
ly healthy. Then I started putting 
healthy stuff on it like jojoba and hen- 
na. ] was trying to give my hair some 
verve. I was also saying, “Please don't 
leave yet." Didn't work. My grandfa- 
ther is as bald as an eight ball, so I 
knew it was going to come. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: While in college at More- 
house you took part in locking the 
trustees in the administration building 
and got kicked out of school for а 
while. What did you do after that? 
Jackson: 1 went to Los Angeles and was 
a social worker for the county I 
learned how to take care of myself a lit- 
tle better. I learned a lot about wom- 
еп—1 had a 39-year-old girlfriend 
when I was 19, and she taught me a lot. 
I learned that 1 wanted to be back in 
school [laughs] and not in the real 
world, working. And 1 found out that 1 
wanted to be an actor. 


п. 


PLAYBOY: Most young black filmmakers 
make movies about inner-city life. Why 
such a limited venue? Is this what black 
people want to see? Is this what whites 
should see? 

JACKSON: That's the type of story those 
filmmakers know. They know how to 
tell it. They grab hold of it in a whole 
different way and it's what they're pas- 
sionate about. Some also know that 
those are the films that studios buy. I 
don't know if they'll be able to tell it 
better than the Hughes brothers did 


with Menace I] Society. When we saw it 
the first time, my wife actually thought 
it was irresponsible filmmaking. She 
was incensed by its rawness. To her, it 
was almost like a how-to movie, and 
it was frightening. It not only frightens 
the Caucasian audiences, it also fright- 
ens middle-class black audiences be- 
cause it shows the dangers that kids 
face daily. Menace put a palpable fear 
into viewers about the predators in our 
midst. You didn’t understand why they 
were predators, only that they had lost 
all sense of human decency and value. 
The thing is, those predators are real. 
The Hughes brothers didn't make 
them up. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: Rappers seem to have invad- 
ed actors’ turf. Should they stick to 
their own? 

JACKSON: Yeah, if they can't act. Convey- 
ing ideas and emotion takes some 
training, some sensitivity. That doesn't 
come just because you're famous and 
people need your name to put butts in 
seats, à la Posse or, from what I under- 
stand, Black Panthers. I've turned down 
films because they were primarily rap- 
per-based and needed me to add some 
kind of actor cachet to them. I can't see 
validating some rappers’ acting careers 
when I have friends who can act who 
can't get jobs because they're not 
household names. At some point, pro- 
ducers are going to realize that audi 
ences have become a lot more sophisti- 
cated. You can get people into the 
theaters the first weekend because you 
have Ice Box, Ice Tray and Ice Pick in 
your movie. But by the second week, 
word is going to be out that the movie 
ain't shit and it'll be relegated to video. 
Acting deserves a lot more respect than 
it gets. There are no naturals in this 
business. You can fake it for a while, 
but the audience catches on. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Once and for always: Is race 
an issue in the O.J. Simpson case? 
JACKSON: No. We're just talking about 
murder here. We're not talking about 
some guy who was yelling racial epi- 
thets in the middle of a rampage, or 
somebody who doesn't like white peo- 
ple. He was married to one, and most 
of his dates were Caucasian. The issues 
are more emotion-based. He's not be- 
ing prosecuted because he's a black 
man who rose too high and stepped 
out of his class. That's just another de- 
fense ploy. 


14. 


pLaYBOY: Shaft is one of your favorite 
movies. Are you still using catchphras- 
es from the film? 


"Explain again how this can help cure tennis elbow." 


184 


JACKSON: It's amazing that you would ask 
that, because there's one that we use on 
the set every day. I'm always telling one 
assistant here that he's a tool ofthe Man. 
I'm always telling him, "When the Man 
say be there, you be there, waiting." And 
occasionally we talk about the guy who 
got tossed out the window, Bandini 
Brown. He had the great catchphrases 
in Shaft. "They just threw my man Leroy 
out the goddamn window. That's some 
cold shit, Shafi.” We also hum the theme 
song a lot. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Who ranks highest on the ma- 
cho meter: Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, 
Quentin Tarantino or Harvey Keitel? 

JACKSON: That's a good group. 105 be- 
tween Harvey and Bruce, but I've spent. 
more time with Bruce than I have vith 
Harvey. Still, I'd say Harvey, because he 
hangs out with a different kind of crowd. 
Bruce has this whole guy thing going on 
that's a totally regular-guy kind of thing 
to me. But Harvey has this persona that 


can make you not walk into his space. He 
doesn’t need guys around him to keep 
you out, either. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: You've died on-screen enough 
to be an expert. Describe the most satis- 
fying passage you've had and the depar- 
ture you can't wait to perform. 

JACKSON: The most satisfying death I had 
was in Dead Man Out, with Rubén Blades 
and Danny Glover. I actually died in the 
gas chamber. I got to walk the last mile in 
a Canadian prison. I sat in a real gas 
chamber. It was a happening thing. It 
was also weird. One death I haven't 
done is as a bullet-riddled body falling 
off a high building through a green- 
house roof into a shallow pool so that 
when I hit, the blood just spreads rapid- 
ly through the water. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: In Pulp Fiction your character 
retired as a hit man because of a sup- 
posed sign from God. Have you ever re- 


Ne 


FARR? 


“I miss the give-and-take of those who 
opposed my reign. Sometimes I’m sorry I had 
them all beheaded.” 


ceived a sign in real life that changed the 
way you lived? 

JACKSON: There was a role I originated in 
a play, and I didn't get it when it actually 
went to Broadway. The actor who did it 
got nominated for a Tony, and I figured 
that would have been my shot at making 
it had I been in the right position or 
in the right frame of mind. That's why 
I don’t drink or get high anymore. 1 
was getting blind and I was blaming all 
kinds of things on my not being success- 
ful. When I stopped, it turned my life 
around. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: What's tougher, acting in films 
or on the stage? 

JACKSON: Acting for a camera is harder 
for me because there is no sharing of 
energy. You're just giving—you're not 
receiving anything. There's nothing to 
drive you or motivate you. When you're 
cooking onstage, the audience is part of 
it It's a healthy, sharing experience. 
When you're doing a film, you're doing 
stuff over and over again, and some- 
times—or most of the time—it has noth- 
ing to do with what you're doing as a 
performer. That's what's so cool about 
Quentin Tarantino. He has found this 
healthy marriage of theater and cinema, 
and he actually allows actors to act. And 
in order to act, a lot of times you need to 
talk. You need to give information to 
viewers about who you are, the things 
you are trying to accomplish and how 
you're going to accomplish them. In 
most films, if you talk for 15 minutes 
you've talked a whole lot. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: Aside from the body and blood 
in the back of your car in Pulp Fiction, 
what's the last mess you made that you 
couldn't clean up? 

JACKSON: I was painting something in the 
house and 1 slipped on the ladder and 
knocked over a whole bucket of paint— 
onto some carpet, into the clothes closet. 
Oh man, I fucked up. It was ugly. It was 
very ugly. And it was enamel. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: Describe the perfect on-loca- 
tion hotel room. 

JACKSON: It would have to be in a really 
great tropical place, like Kuala Lumpur 
ог Thailand. Orchids everywhere. A big 
marble bathroom that has showerheads 
coming from all directions—from the 
walls, the ceiling, the floor. A huge bed. 
A nice carpet that 1 can practice my 
putting on. A great balcony view of the 
ocean. A golf course nearby. And one of 
the best restaurants in the world, serving 
Japanese food and my mom's home 
cooking. 1 guess that means my mom 
would have to be working there in the 


kitchen. 


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135 


PLAYBOY 


JAZZ & ROCK „шлш 


It was a skinny hid named Robert Allen Zimmerman 
who singlehandedly altered the subject matter of rock. 


Detroit, included the Marvelettes, 
Smokey Robinson & the Miracles, Mar- 
vin Gaye, Mary Wells, the Contours, 
Martha and the Vandellas, Stevie Won- 
der, Kim Weston, the Temptations, 
Gladys Knight and the Pips, the Spin- 
ners, Tammi Terrell, Jr. Walker and the 
All-Stars, the Four Tops and, supreme 
among them (in terms of sales, anyway), 
the Suprem 

Gordy's artists were not always thrilled 
with his business techniques, and many 
left Motown bitter. Gordy paid his artists 
less than other record companies did. 
He kept some on small weekly al- 
lowances even though they made thou- 
sands of dollars for the company (he re- 
fused to let them see the books). He also 
played favorites. 

The ascension in the Supremes of Di- 
ana Ross at the expense of Flo Ballard is 
the most publicized instance of Gordy's 
preferences. Ballard had been leader 
and lead singer when the group signed 
with Motown as the Primettes in 1961. 
Gordy didn't like the name, and Ballard 
picked the Supremes from a list of others 
she was given. Gordy, who was taken 
with Ross’ feistiness and beauty (so much 
so that they had a daughter together), 
made her the group's lead singer, even 
though her voice was thinner and weak- 
er than. Ballard's. The billing changed 
to Diana Ross & the Supremes. An un- 
happy Ballard began drinking, gaining 
weight and not showing up for gigs. She 
was fired and replaced by Cindy Bird- 
song in 1967. There followed a failed so- 
lo career and a failed marriage, and a 
protracted lawsuit against Motown. in 
which she eventually won a settlement 
but lost most of it. Ballard and her chil- 
dren ended up on welfare, while Diana 
Ross’ wealth and fame kept growing. Flo 
Ballard died of a heart attack in 1976, at 
the age of 32. 

Another tragic Motown story is that of 
Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. Gaye 
was born in 1939 in Washington, D.C., 
where his father was a minister. After a 
brief career in the service, Gaye became 
part of Harvey Fuqua's doo-wop Moon- 
glows, recording for Chicago's Chess 
Records in the late Fifties. In 1960 
Fuqua and Gaye both moved to Detroit, 
and by the next year were associated 
with Motown, with Fuqua wo 
producer. In 1963 Gaye had several hits, 
two of which, Hitch Hike and Can I Get a 
Witness, were covered by the Rolling 
Stones a few years later. (Motown was 
more of an influence on the Stones and 
the Beatles than is generally recog- 


136 nized.) In 1965 Gaye did the wonderful- 


ly uplifting (How Sweet It Is) To Be Loved 
by You. Late in 1968 his / Heard It Through 
the Grapevine (a drastic reworking of 
Gladys Knight's version from the year 
before) hit number one, staying there 
for seven weeks and becoming one of 
Motown's biggest sellers. But Gaye also 
had a series of hits singing duets. His 
first partner was Mary Wells, followed by 
Kim Weston. 

In 1967 Gordy teamed him up with 
Tammi Terrell, and—as they say in 
showbiz—it was magic. Gaye and Terrell 
never became lovers, but you wouldn't 
know it from listening to 1967's Aint No 
Mountain. High Enough and Your Precious 
Love. As writer Geoffrey Stokes put it: 
"The communication between the two 
seemed so direct and emotional that ro- 
mantic listeners felt like eavesdroppers 
on an intensely passionate private mo- 
ment." But Terrell began to suffer from 
terrible headaches. One night in Octo- 
ber 1967 she collapsed while performing 
with Gaye. She was eventually diagnosed. 
as having a brain tumor. After a series of 
operations, she died in 1970 at the age of 
94. Gaye never seemed to recover from 
Terrell's death. He stopped touring for 
four years. His career hung in there for 
much of the Seventies, but his personal 
life was a wreck. He divorced his long- 
time wife, Gordy's sister Anna, married 
and divorced again quickly, and devel- 
oped a serious drug habit—mainly free- 
base cocaine. His behavior became in- 
creasingly erratic and paranoid. By 1979 
the IRS was after him for $2 million in 
unpaid taxes, and he bailed out for 
Hawaii, where he lived in a trailer and 
reportedly attempted suicide. He pulled 
himself together enough to win his first 
Grammy in 1983 for Sexual Healing. By 
then almost everything he made was go- 
ing to the IRS. He was living in Califor- 
nia with his parents, in a house he had 
bought for them in happier days. He 
had once again become suicidal. In 
March 1984 he had to be restrained and. 
a gun was taken from him. On April 1, 
during an argument in the kitchen, his 
father shot and killed him. 


While Gaye, the Supremes and the 
rest of Motown were challenging the 
ish hegemony on the American 
charts in the mid-Sixties, something else 
was happening here that Mr. Jones 
wouldn't understand. lt would affect 
rock perhaps even more ficantly 
than the Beatles and the Stones and 
would, in fact, profoundly influence all 


those rockers to come. 

It was a skinny kid named Robert 
Allen Zimmerman from Hibbing, Min- 
nesota who renamed himself Bob Dylan 
after the Welsh poet and who single- 
handedly altered the subject matter of 
rock songs. 

Born in 1941, Dylan started out in 
high school trying to be a rocker, but was 
laughed offstage during a school assem- 
bly for doing a horrible version of a Lit- 
tle Richard tune. In Minneapolis he be- 
came part of the bohemian scene, where 
the de rigueur music was folk. Dylan be- 
gan reinventing himself around the folk 
scene, doing his best at first to become 
Woody Guthrie, the Thirties troubadour 
of the down and our. Guthrie's songs 
were about social issues, which the rock 
and roll of the time blissfully was not. 

By the time he got to Greenwich Vil- 
lage in the winter of 1961, at the age of. 
19, he wasn't social outcast Bobby Zim- 
merman anymore. He quickly became a 
part of the Village folk crowd, hanging 
out at the San Remo and other Bleecker 
Street basket houses—which served cof- 
{ее and folk music, and were so named 
because the performers got paid only 
what was put in baskets passed after each 
set. He became friends with Dave von 
Ronk (the preeminent Village folksinger 
of the time) and Ramblin Jack Elliott (a 
longtime friend of Woody Guthrie's who 
had reinvented himself asa trucker-cow- 
boy folksinger). Soon Dylan was playing 
regularly at Gerdes’ Folk City. 

Producer John Hammond convinced 
Columbia Records, then run by Mitch 
Miller (of sing-along-with fame) to sign 
Dylan. Hammond had instincts and a 
reputation dating back to the Thirties— 
his discoveries included Billie Holiday 
and Count Basie, among many others. 

The biographical liner notes to Dy- 
lar's second album are almost entirely 
bullshit, Dylan mythologizing what he 
would have liked to have been and done; 
and all but two cuts are traditional, not 
But The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan 
Му different from the Kings- 
ton Trio, the time’s popular, antiseptic 
folk group. 

Dylan quickly became a favorite of the 
к s who wouldn't be caught 
dead owning a Kingston Trio record, but 
the rock audience didn't catch on right 
away. Peter, Paul and Mary had two big 
hits with Dylan songs in 1963, Blowin' in 
the Wind and Don't Think Twice, It's Alright. 
And in 1965 the Byrds, which included 
David Crosby, made their name as mel- 
lowed-out interpreters of Dylan with Mr. 
Tambourine Man, a single on which they 
used elec o play folk 
yet another 


nkel leaned more to- 
ward folk than rock, but their musi 
a hit with the rock au 
funkel and Paul Simon met as schoolkids 
and teamed up in New York when they 


were still teenagers, as Tom & Jerry. 
They had an Everly Brothers soundalike 
single on Big Records called Hey, School- 
girl, which made number 49 on the 
Charts. But despite subsequent releases, 
Hey, Schoolgirl was it for Tom & Jerry. Af- 
ter high school Garfunkel went to Co- 
lumbia University to study architecture 
and math, and Simon went to Queens 
College as an English major. But Simon 
kept hustling, putting out singles and 
playing Village folk clubs. By 1964 Si- 
mon was in London and part of the folk 
scene there, joined briefly for some gigs 
by Garfunkel, who was on summer vaca- 
tion from college. That year, using their 
‘own names, they had their first Colum- 
bia album, Wednesday Morning, 3 AM, 
which included a version of Dylan's The 
Times They Are AChangin'. It bombed and 
they split again. Enter producer Tom 
Wilson. Without consulting either of 
them, he remixed Sounds of Silence from 
that first album, adding drums and an 
electric guitar. The refried single was a 
hit, as were Simon and Garfunkel. Their 
next album, named for and including 
the new version of Sounds of Silence, went 
to 21 on the charts in 1966. Homeward 
Bound from that album was perhaps the 
first intellectual angst-ridden song about 
life on the road. Simon and Garfunkel 
were more precious, more like tragic 
sophomores reading romantic poetry, 
than Dylan, who was a kick-ass ampheta- 
mine folkie. 

Dylan wasn't much noticed by the rock 
audience until the infamous 1965 New- 
port Folk Festival, when he too went 
electric. The god of folk had embraced 
the devil rock and roll. Purist folkies 
called him Judas, but rock audiences 
started listening—as did other estab- 
lished rock groups, including the Beatles 
and the Stones 

Dylan had chosen the Hawks as his 
new backup group (they used to back up 
rockabilly wild man Ronnie Hawkins) 
after seeing them perform in New Jer- 
sey in 1965. Hawkins’ evolving backup 
group had eclipsed him. In 1959 Levon 
Helm became the Hawks’ drummer. In 
1960 they hired a 16-year-old roadi 
Robbie Robertson, who became the bass 
player and then switched to guitar when 
the lead guitarist split for Nashville. In 
1963 Hawkins released a version of Bo 
Diddley's Who Do You Love, with Robert- 
son playing killer guitar, but it didn't sell 
well. By then, Garth Hudson, Richard 
Manuel and Rick Danko were the rest of 
the Hawks. After their stint backing Dy- 
lan, they would emerge in 1968 as the 
Band, as important a group in its way as 
Dylan himself. 

Dylan changed the game, the way 
Charlie Parker had changed jazz in the. 
Forties. Dylan may have been the genius 
of Sixties rock. His songs forever altered 
the landscape and expanded the subject 
matter of rock. They * often about 
apocalypse now, the lyrics fractured and 


enigmatic, some at first seeming like dis- 
connected speed raps. But they spoke 
directly in street poetry to what was go- 
ing on in the lives of his audience. 
Blowin’ in the Wind, of course, became an 
anthem for civil rights volunteers work- 
ing (and sometimes getting killed) in the 
South. And 1965's speedy Subterranean 
Homesick Blues—“I'm on the pavement, 
thinking "bout the government”— 
summed up those jumpy, nervous times, 
especially for guys of draft age. On Rainy 
Day Women #12 @ 35 he sang: "Every- 
body must get stoned," just as marijuana 
use was becoming popular among rock 
audiences. Even at his most apocalyptic 
and surreal, Dylan was funny, too. High- 
way 61 starts with “God said to Abraham, 
kill me a son/Abe says, Man, you must be 
puttin’ me оп" and gets better from 
there. 

You didn't hear stuff like that in rock 
before Dylan. 

The changes that rock went through 
during the second half of the Sixties 
reflected the drastic changes American 
society was undergoing. The end of Fif- 
ties innocence came when John Kenne- 
dy was shot in November 1963. 

Things were still relatively hopeful 
when Lyndon Johnson followed Ken- 
nedy as president. Johnson was an old- 
style populist. He could slip and slide 
with the slipperiest of them, but his pro- 
daimed Great Society emphasized edu- 
cation for the poor. Johnson was more 
aggressive about enforcing existing civil 
rights legislation than any president be- 
fore him. But then there was Vietnam. 


Johnson could have pulled out the “ad- 
visors” Kennedy had sent in. But by July 
1965 there were 125,000 U.S. troops in 
Vietnam. And the numbers just kept go- 
ing up. This conflict against communism 
in a distant southeast Asian country was 
killing off members of the rock audience, 
and that audience wasn't crazy about it. 
Real angst carne into rock. 

Take 1965 alone. Johnson ordered the 
first air strikes against North Vietnam. 
In Selma, Alabama 25,000 demonstra- 
tors marched for civil rights. Alan Freed, 
who coined the term rock and roll and 
whose career crashed and burned over a 
payola scandal, died at 42 from over- 
drinking. And David Miller was arrested 
by the FBI for burning his draft card, 
the first person so charged. 

So began 1966, with My Generation on 
the U.S. charts (“Hope I die before I get 
old”). The Who had been around almost 
as long as the Beatles and the Stones, but 
took longer to make it in the States. On 
their first American tour, in 1967, they 
opened for Herman's Hermits. 

The Who personified the second wave 
of Sixties rock, which sometimes had as 
much to do with costumes as with music. 
The Who were Mods. Pete Townshend 
and Roger Daltrey had the hippest and 
most expensive wardrobes in rock. 
Their witty, self-deprecating name was 
emblematic of the ironic detachment 
they brought to their music. It was loud 
and sardonic, full of black humor, noise, 
anger. Townshend ritually smashed his 
guitar against the amps at the end of 
every show. It was performance art— 


“I told you that you are the only man for me.” 


137 


PLAYBOY 


killing the thing you love and being able 
то afford to do it. But it was also really 
noisy and looked like a lot of fun. 


Meanwhile, something entirely differ- 
ent was going on in San Francisco, 
where a truly mutant form of rock led to 
groups called the Grateful Dead, Quick- 
silver Messenger Service, Country Joe 
and the Fish, the Jefferson Airplane, Big 
Brother and the Holding Company, and 
many with even weirder names and less 
talent, most. mercifully forgotten now. 
(Anybody remember the Peanut Butter 
Conspiracy? Moby Grape?) 

'The new San Francisco music was 
called acid rock, after the lysergic acid 
that inspired it. LSD had been around 
since the Forties, when it was developed 
by Sandoz Laboratories in Switzerland. 
Harvard scientist Timothy Leary exper- 
imented with the drug's positive effects 
on the terminally ill. The Defense De- 
partment was interested in military ap- 
plications for LSD. 

Thanks in large part to Augustus Stan- 
ley Owsley III, a renegade chemist who 
made California's purest acid (dolloped 
onto sugar cubes), LSD made its cultural 
debut at the 1965 Acid Tests held by the 
Merry Pranksters, featuring the Grateful 
Dead. It was a shifting crowd led by Ken 
Kesey and Ken Babbs that Tom Wolfe 
mythologized in The Electric Kool-Aid Acid 
Test, his 1968 book. “Never trust a 
Prankster” was their motto. The “acid 
tests” were events that combined emerg- 
ing San Francisco rock groups and the 
first light shows, with audiences partak- 
ing of punch laced with LSD, the better 
to appreciate both lights and music. 

“There was a cosmic, folkie, social 
protest aspect to much of this San Fran- 
cisco rock, as exemplified by Country 
Joe and the Fish singing: 


Well, it’s one two three, 

What are we fightin’ for? 

Don't ask me, I don't give a damn, 
Next stop is Vietnam. 


The melody to Fixin' to Die Rag is a direct. 
steal from Muskrat Ramble, a turn-of-the- 
century Scott Joplin ragtime. 

The Jefferson Airplane were also in- 
fluenced by folk music but owed more to 
the hard rock music that was develop 
ing. They were less directly political than 
Country Joc. But they were shooting for 
the cosmic, even if lead singer Grace 
Slick had been a model and had grown 
up in comfortable suburban circum- 
stances. The Airplane first started com- 
ing together in the summer of 1965, but 
Slick was in a competing San Francisco 
group called the Great Society, and 
didn't join the Airplane until 1966 when 
its original singer left to have a baby. 
Slick brought with her two songs she had 
sung with the Great Society —White Rab- 


138 bit and Somebody to Love, which became 


monster hits for the Airplane. 

And then there was Janis Joplin. Born 
in 1943 in the oil town of Port Arthur, 
Texas, Janis at the age of 20 had hitch- 
hiked to San Francisco and found gigs 
singing around North Beach clubs, 
sometimes with future Jefferson Air 
plane member Jorma Kaukonen. She 
Joined Big Brother and the Holding 
Company in 1966 and soon, of course, 
she was much bigger than Big Brother. 

“People think I'm a hippi 
said. “But I'm not a hippie, I'm a beat- 
nik. Hippies think everything is going 
to be wonderful and beatniks know 
it's not.” 

Joplin fronted a rock band but sang 
Texas blues with an urgency and desper- 
ation that could take a piece of your 
heart. She would scream three or four 
notes at a time when she hit the top, and 
sometimes would go up from there. No- 
body before or since could do anything 
like it. 

She and Big Brother were the hit of 
the 1967 Monterey Pop Festival, which 
was a lot more musically successful than 
the wildly mythologized Woodstock Fes- 
tival that followed two years later. 

The real surprise of Monterey Pop 
was Otis Redding, who reclaimed Respect 
from Aretha Franklin (her recorded ver- 
sion was much more successful than his, 
though Otis wrote the song). But Red- 
ding vill always be remembered for (Sit- 
tin’ от) The Dock of the Bay. It was record- 
ed with co-writer Steve Cropper (of 
Booker T. & the M.G.s) at Stax/Volt in 
Memphis, home of the Memphis Sound, 
yet another evolving strain of rock—a 
blend of R&B and white Southern rock 
noted for its use of horn sections. The 
Dock of the Bay recording session took 
place just three days before Redding 
died, at 26, in an lane crash near 
Madison, Wisconsin in December 1967. 
It became his first number one single. 

There are a million would-be Clap- 
tons out there, but not many have even 
tried to imitate the wizardry of Jimi 
Hendrix since his death in London in 
1970. Like Monk or Mingus or Coltrane, 
he was a planet unto himself. His guitar 
playing was deeply rooted in the blues, 
but he was often visiting Andromeda at 
the same time. 

He was born in Seattle in 1942, his 
mother a full-blooded Cherokce. He got 
his first guitar at the age of 12, and being 
left-handed, turned it upside down and 
learned to play it backward—which may 
explain his preference for the bass side 
of the instrument. While Clapton was 
soaring on the fast, high notes, Hendrix 
was exploring the powers of the lower 
strings for contrast. Clapton owes more 
to melodic B.B. King, while Hendrix 
comes from the deeper, more atavistic 
music of John Lee Hooker. Hendrix 
sounds like a primitive Mississippi blues 
man on acid. During performances, he 
played his guitar with his teeth and occa- 


sionally set fire to it. 

After getting a 1961 medical discharge 
from the paratroopers because of back 
trouble, Hendrix changed his stage 
name to Jimmy James and apprenticed 
in bands fronted by Sam Cooke, Little 
Richard, Ike and Tina Turner, Wilson 
Pickett and Jackie Wilson. By 1965 he 
had formed his own group. Jimmy 
James and the Blue Flames. In 1966 he 
went to London, where his career really 
took off. He went back to his own name 
and formed the three-piece Jimi Hen- 
drix Experience with Mitch Mitchell and 
Noel Redding. Eric Clapton was forming 
his own power trio, Cream, with Jack 
Bruce and Ginger Baker around the 
same time. The first single the Experi- 
ence released, late in 1966, was a cover 
of the Leaves' Hey Joe that made the 
U.K. charts in early 1967. The Experi- 
ence first backed the Who at a Savile 
Theater concert, and then were booked 
on a tour of England—on a bill that 
included Cat Stevens and Engelbert 
Humperdinck. Then came Purple 
Haze—a tune that seemed as if it might 
be about drugs—and Jimi's June 1967 
return to the U.S. for the Monterey Pop 
Festival, after which he was recognized 
as one of the most original stars in rock. 

But ultimately, the San Francisco 
scene's most important group was the 
Grateful Dead. Along with the Rolling 
Stones they have proved to be the 
Olympic marathoners of the Sixties 
groups—and like the Stones, the Dead 
are not nostalgia artists by any means. 
The band can still fill Madison Square 
Garden for six nights running. They've 
been together so long and have such a 
repertoire they can play four-hour sets 
every night for a week and not repeat 
themselves. The tribal loyalty they in- 
spire is unique in pop music. And for 
every graying hippie in the crowd, some 
in three-piece suits with beepers on their 
belts, there are batches of high school 
and college-age kids in headbands and 
tie-dyed T-shirts. 

Among the first dates was the three- 
day Trips Festival at Longshoreman's 
Hall in January 1966, featuring most of 
the good bands in San Francisco. The 
Dead were then still the Warlocks, hav- 
ing been Mother McCree's Uptown Jug 
pions before that. Guitarist Jerry 
Garcia had been a folkie growing up in 
Palo Alto in the shadow of Stanford. Не 
and Robert Hunter—the Dead's ghost 
member, who has written the lyrics to 
some of the Dead's most memorable 
stuff—were in a bluegrass band together 
as teenagers. Garcia was a good enough 
banjo picker and guitarist to make a little 
money giving lessons. In 1965 the group 
turned into the Warlocks, playing rock 
and R&B tinged with folk. The band 
members induded alcoholic blues fan 
Ron "Pigpen" McKernan on organ and 
harmonica (he died eight years later at 
the age of 27); bassist Phil Lesh; and 


rhythm guitarist Bob Weir, who splits the 
Dead's musical direction with Hunter 
and Garcia. 

As Garcia once said, the Dead are 
more of a commune than a musical 
group—though these days a multimil- 
lionaire commune. 

The Warlocks started hanging out 
with Keseys crowd. Practically every- 
body was taking acid. At one party Gar- 
cia was flipping through the Oxford Eng- 
lish Dictionary. His eyes landed on two 
words, and the group was now the 
Grateful Dead. They got a financial and 
electronic boost from boy acid magnate 
Stanley Owsley, who designed and paid 
for a sound system cranked up to their 
new louder ideas. 

Their eponymous first album, record- 
ed in May 1967 in three days, was pretty 
straightforward—folk and blues rock. 
The second, 1968's Anthem of the Sun, a 
double album, took six months of studio 
time to record. Anthem was mainly acid 
rock at its most acidy. If you weren't trip- 
ping along with them, much of it was no 
fun to listen to—like John Coltrane's late 
music, when he too began taking acid 
before his death in 1967. 

For a while, it seemed as if everybody 
had to produce an acid album—or mu- 
sic that sounded acid-inspired, anyway. 
Writer Gene Sculatti summarized this 
change: 


What began as the British Inva- 
sion in 1964 had mutated by 1965 
into folk rock. In 1967, San Francis- 
co acid rock supplanted folk rock. 
By the end of the year, on the heels 
of Sgt. Pepper and countless similar 
ambitions on the part of every func- 
tioning rock group, the pop music 
audience was thought to be in- 
volved in some epochal creative ex- 
plosion, unprecedented and unpar- 
alleled. Albums were being hailed as 
cultural landmarks and their new- 
found prominence was believed to 
signal the long awaited emergence 
of popular music into the realm of 
serious art. 


One of the first, and the best of the lot, 
was the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, released in 
June 1967. Sgt. Pepper didn’t veer as far 
off musically into the ether as other 
bands’ works, but the influence of LSD 
was obvious. Sgt. Pepper was а concept al- 
bum that somehow worked as a whole 
instead of as a collection of disconnected 
songs. It was much more ambitious and 
cosmic than what the Beatles had done 
before. The Stones’ answer to Sgt. Pepper 
came in December 1967 with Their Sa- 
tanic Majesties Request, which was over- 
blown and not nearly so good (it mainly 
proved that the Stones should stick to 
R&B). And if you are at one with the uni- 
verse, what is time? The Byrds stretched 
their 1967 hit, Eight Miles High, eight 
miles long on their 1970 Untitled LP. 
Three-minute storyteller Chuck Berry 


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responded with the LP Concerto im В 
Goode, on which he double-tracked him- 
self for 18 minutes and 40 seconds on 
the all-instrumental title tune. The liner 
notes described the concerto as "a bril- 
liant blend of blues and country and acid 
rock.” It wasn't. And then there was 
Vanilla Fudge, which sounded like Mo- 
town on quaaludes. Blue Cheer, an 
abysmal San Francisco power trio, made 
up in loud what it lacked in talent. And 
who could forget that landmark 1966 al- 
bum by the Blues Magoos, Psychedelic 
Lollipop? 

Even the Beach Boys were going cos- 
mic. Their early garage-band sound on 
1962's Surfin’ had evolved into the tech- 
nical wizardry of Good Vibrations in 1966, 
a single that took Brian Wilson six 
months and 17 different sessions to pro- 
duce—and was worth it. Late in 1967 
the Beach Boys met Maharishi Mahesh 
Yogi in Paris. Like some of the Beatles, 
the Beach Boys were under the spell of 
the yogi's transcendental meditation. In 
May 1968 the Beach Boys took the ma- 
harishi on tour with them. In July they 
released the LP Friends, which reflected 
their newly found TM wisdom. Friends 
sold fewer copies than any other Beach 
Boys album. They were no longer 
singing about Rhonda or litle deuce 
coupes on their records, and their songs, 
while sometimes just as sweetly dumb as 
some of their early hits, started to show a 
social awareness. It's hard to imagine the 
early Beach Boys writing songs called 
Student Demonstration Time and Lookin' al 
Tomorrow (4 Welfare Song). Both titles 
were on the 1971 LP Surf's Up, which al- 
so contained an antipollution cut called 
Don't Go Near the Water and one of those 
well-intentioned dumb ones, the ecolog- 
ical A Day in the Life of a Tree. 

And in 1973 came the ambitious Cali- 
fornia saga on the Holland album, a 
lengthy rock history of California that 
included quotes from poet Robinson Jef- 
fers, mention of Steinbeck and Monterey 
Pop. It ended with a classic Beach Boys 
riff about cool, clear water. It wasn't bad. 
They refused to become just another 
oldies act. Despite some epic internal 
problems (centering on Brian Wilson's 
unfortunate weirdness but by no means 
caused by him alone), they hung in and 
became accepted by the counterculture. 
The Beach Boys even played Bill Gra 
ham's Fillmore Fast with the Grateful 
Dead in 1971. 

Frank Zappa was a southern Califor- 
nian who started out advanced. From 
the beginning he made truly weird and 
truly brilliant music without any help 
from his chemically enhanced friends. 
Born in 1940, he grew up in the Mojave 
Desert, where one of his high school pals 
was Don Van Vliet, later known as Cap- 
tain Beefheart. The two played together 
in bands variously called the Black-Outs 
and the Soots. 

After graduation in 1958, Zappa 


found a couple of gigs writing sound- 
tracks for B movies, and was arrested in 
1964 for cutting for $100 what one 
writer intriguingly described as “a mock- 
pornographic tape for a vice-squad 
officer posing as a used-car salesman." 

The Mothers of Invention were an 
amalgam of several bands Zappa had 
been gigging around with, and thanks 
both to his talent and to his self-promo- 
tional abilities, Zappa got the Mothers 
signed to MGM's Verve label—largely 
known for its jazz and R&B. In 1966 the 
double LP Freak Out was released. Zappa 
was out there. Even without drugs—and 
Zappa was never a druggie, no matter 
how strange his music got—Freak Out 
and its even better follow-up, released 
just months later, Absolutely Free, were 
truly weird and wonderful. The list of 
nearly 200 influences on Freak Out in- 
cludes Little Walter, Maurice Ravel, 
Arnold Schoenberg, Lenny Bruce, Molly 
Bee, Roland Kirk, James Joyce, Bob Dy- 
lan, Edgard Varése, Slim Harpo, Eber- 
hard Kronhausen, Charles Mingus, 
Howlin' Wolf and Sabu the Jungle Boy. 
It was a dadaist collage of avant-garde 
music and R&B with a satiric streak re- 
garding the straight, complacent middle 
class that was a delight if you were the 
right age and part of that middle class 
but trying desperately to get out of it. 
How could you not love Who Are the 
Brain Police?, Plastic People, The Duke of 
Prunes, Call Any Vegetable (“vegetables 
dream of responding to you"), America 
Drinks and Goes Home or Brown Shoes 
Don't Make It? 

Zappa loved his greasy Fifties R&B, 
but probably more than any other so- 
caled rock performer had absorbed 
what was going on in the experimental 
free jazz of the Sixties, though the Moth- 
ers could also really rock when they felt 
like it. Zappa proved to be a better-than- 
average rock guitarist оп 1969's Hot 
Rats, on which he plays with bassist Jack 
Bruce, former member of Cream. Hot 
Rats also featured as guest artists French 
jazz violinist Jean-Luc Ponty and Zappa's 
old pal Don Van Vliet, whose recording 
career as Captain Beefheart made Zap- 
pa's stuff seem absolutely normal by 
comparison. Beefheart's double LP Trout 
Mask Replica, released in October 1969, 
is perhaps the definitive weird Sixties al- 
bum-—weird with definite artistic pur- 
pose and success, that The music 
might best be described as dadaist blues 
Not so overtly comic as much of Zappa's 
music, but more ambitiously strange and 
strangely compelling, Tout Mask Replica 
sold only a handful of copies at the time 
but has since become a cultural land- 
mark, even if it’s more theoretically ad- 
mired than actually listened to. 

But if you want truly Los Angeles 
weird in the late Sixties, look to Jim Mor- 
n and the Doors. Although Morrison 
died in a bathtub in Paris in 1971 at the 
age of 27, his passion and dedication to 


the creative derangement of the sens- 
es—even if it means self-destruction— 
lives. Inspired while a student at UCLA's 
film school, Morrison may have cap- 
tured in his music the scary euphoria of 
the late Sixties better than anyone else. 

"The Doors took thcir name from an 
Aldous Huxley book, The Doors of Percep- 
tion, his philosophical response 10 a 
mescaline experience in the early Fifties. 
During his trip, Huxley discovered the 
cosmic aspects of his tweed trousers, 
among other revelations. But the Doors 
went beyond that. 

The late Sixties were the first time in 
American pop music that the subject 
matter was intimately connected with 
what was happening in the world. Rock 
wasn't just music or fashion. For a short 
time before the economic exploitation of 
rock was in high gear, rock music actual- 
ly voiced the desires and ideals of a gen- 
eration with a directness unprecedented 
in popular music. And it did so without 
necessarily being as overtly political as 
Country Joe. Also, you could dance to it. 
It was the politics of the young, with a 
good beat. Norwegian Wood, on the Bea- 
tles’ Rubber Soul, was political too, in that 
the song assumed he acceptability of 
two young, unmarried people casually 
sleeping together. The serious left felt 
gravely betrayed when the Beatles later 
sang, “I don't want no revolution.” Had 
their fame and wealth made them reac- 


ter Fans at the time discussed the 
of these songs as much as they 
[en to them. These fans proudly 
called. themselves freaks. Sociologists 
called them the counterculture. Hippies 
truly believed. they could change the 
world, and had songs on the radio to 
prove they were right. Naturally the 
greatest proportion of the audience was 
just getting high, nodding their heads in 
profound agreement and reaching for 
the Cheez-Its. Flowers in your hair and 
feeling groovy—you could do worse. But 
the flower-power idealism lasted only a 
couple of butterfly summer 

The summer of 1967 was called the 
summer of love. The rise of flower pow- 
er—"If you're going to San Francisco, be 
sure to wear some flowers in your 
hair"—said a lot about how predomi- 
nantly white rock music had become, 
both in terms of performers and audi- 
ences. Rock had long been primarily for 
white audiences, of course, but there 
had always been a good proportion of 
black artists providing it as well. But as 
the Sixties wore on, the percentage of 
top-ten singles made by black musicians 
kept dropping. "Toward the end of the 
decade, some established Motown artists 
couldn't make the charts as routinely as 
they had in the past. 

And 1967 certainly wasn't the summer 
of love in black ghettos around the coun- 
try. Advances in civil rights had raised 


the hopes of black Americans. But start- 
ing in 1965, when little promised social 
change had been accomplished, these 
hopes turned into frustration and the 
anger turned into rioting. The six-day 
Watts riot in 1965 was the first. "There 
were more disturbances in 1966," wrote 
historian Arthur Schlesinger Jr, "but the 
worst summer of violence occurred in 
1967, when racial unrest hit more than 
100 cities across the country. The largest 
riots took place in Newark and Detroit, 
with the violence in Detroit lasting a full 
week and resulting in 43 deaths and 
more than 7000 arrests." 

In the summer of 1967 Sam and Dave 
recorded Soul Man. It was an indication 
of where black music was going—away 
from rock, with its increasingly arty pre- 
tensions, toward soul The term had 
been around to describe the music of 
such early-Sixties jazzmen as organist 
Jimmy Smith. But by the late Sixties it 
had come to signify something else—a 
further evolution of gospel-influenced 
rhythm and blues, aimed primarily at a 
black audience. As co-writer Samuel 
Moore of Sam and Dave told an inter- 
viewer in 1988, Sou Man came from a 
time "when blacks were rioting and 
burning. The password was always soul. 
Even though it was a time of upheaval, 
there was also a unity among blacks be- 
cause we had a common cause in fight- 
ing for freedom, justice and equality. 1 


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thought Sou! Man was what it was all 
about." 

Peace and love didn't last long even 
among white rock audiences. The eu- 
phoria of psychedelia—and psychedelic 
rock—started crashing in 1968. The 
Doors had been right when they sang, 
“Girl, we couldn't get much higher." 
Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated 
in Mempl 
Chicago's West Side burned in subse- 
quent rioting. Senator Bobby Kennedy 
was killed in June—and then came the 
Democratic Convention in Chicago in 
August. 

"The Democrats had convened to nom- 
inate Hubert Humphrey аз their presi- 
dential candidate—and had put a hawk- 
ish plank in their platform regarding 
Vietnam. A bunch of longhaired freaks 
decided to camp out in Lincoln Park to 
stage a countercultural parody of the 
convention, organized (such as it was) by 
the Yippies. There was even a bandstand 
featuring the MC5, a White Panther 
band from Detroit. But Mayor Richard 
J. Daley didn't see the humor in it—nor 
in the more serious protests going on in 
front of the Conrad Hilton hotel—and 
tried to shut down the whole thing. "The 
police are not here to create disorder,” 
said the malaprop Mayor Daley; "the po- 
lice are here to preserve disorde 
Squad cars and tear gas drove the Yip- 
pies out of Lincoln Park. They were 
chased down Wells Street, beaten by po- 
lice. They headed for the Hilton to join 
the protest march (which was led by Dick 
Gregory and others) to the Amphithe- 
ater at 43rd and Halsted, the convention 
site. But neither group made it. The Na- 
tional Guard had been brought in; na- 
tional TV offered wall-to-wall coverage 


April 1968, and much оГ 


of generations and lifestyles in conflict. 
“The whole world is watching," the pro- 
testers chanted, and it was. The picture 
of the hippie slipping a flower into the 
barrel of a young National Guardsman's 
gun summed up the weirdness of the 
time. Even the most spaced-out hippies 
began to realize it was still ugly out 
there, and getting uglier. 

The legendary Woodstock Festival 
held on Max Yasgur's Bethel, New York 
farm in August 1969 was the end of a 
brief era. It wasn't "the dawning of the 
age of Aquarius," as they were singing in 
the popular Broadway musical Hair. 
(That it was a hit was a sign that the 
counterculture had ended.) Woodstock 
was a one-of-a-kind event, an unprece- 
dented tribal gathering. It rained, every- 
one took acid in the mud and peace and 
love reigned in a pasture in upstate New 
York for three days. No matter that the 
music produced by most bands—includ- 
ing some superlative performers—was 
mediocre compared with their best live 
shows, or that the huge crowd also pro- 
duced a monstrous traffic jam. Hardly 
anyone who was there seemed to mind. 
Woodstock was groovy. 

Unfortunately, Altamont was more in 
keeping with the spirit of the times. It 
took place four months later, in Decem- 
ber 1969, and it was ugly. The Rolling 
Stones were concluding a U.S. tour. 
Even though they were singing Sympathy 
for the Devil and Street Fighting Man 
(which had been a hit single a month af- 
ter the Chicago convention), the Stones 
were living the luxurious life of the rock 
star and charging high ticket prices for 
their concerts. So, fearful of being per- 
ceived as sellouts, they decided to give a 
{тее concert somewhere near San Fran- 


Тоз 


Uelva 


“I found out when they redo the sidewalks, it's not for us." 


cisco. They chose the Altamont Speed- 
way south of the city. Probably in emula- 
tion of the Grateful Dead, who were part 
of the lineup of acts, the Stones hired 
Hell's Angels for their security crew, 
which proved to be not such a good idea. 
With film crews catching it all, the Hell's 
Angels bullied the crowd and the per- 
formers alike. When a young black man 
near the stage pulled a gun during the 
Stones’ set, the bikers stabbed him to 
death. For a while, the Stones kept on 
playing in the best bar-band, bar-fight 
tradition, with Jagger interrupting songs 
to plead with the crowd to cool out. But 
it was a bad trip. The Stones fled the 
scene by helicopter. 

The souring of countercultural ideal- 
ism turned into the days of rage, the 
trial of the Chicago Seven, and the ama- 
teur terrorism of the Weathermen— 
their name taken from a Dylan song. At- 
tempts to bring down the system were 
ardent if wrongheaded, but ultimately 
they didn't make a dent. Despite all the 
protests, the Vietnam war kept dragging 
on. On May 4, 1970, during a demon- 
stration at Kent State in Ohio, four stu- 
dents were killed by jitery young Na- 
tional Guardsmen. Ten days later, 
Mississippi law-enforcement officers 
fired into a crowd of bottle-and-rock 
throwing demonstrators at Jackson State, 
killing two and injuring 12. The percep- 
tion was that the government was killing 
its young who wouldn't stay in line. Re- 
pression was the name of the day, and by 
1972, Nixon was tightening the screws. 

This meltdown of the utopian dreams 
of the Sixties was reflected in rock in two 
distinct ways—in the evolution of heavy 
metal and the emergence of country 
rock. The first involved pushing the 
pedal to the metal even louder and more 
angrily, while the other retreated into a 
simpler musical territory. 

Heavy metal was epitomized by Led 
Zeppelin. Jimmy Page formed Zeppelin 
in 1968 out of the remains of his New 
Yardbirds—which he had formed out of 
the remains of the old Yardbirds. Page's 
new band was inspired by the success of 
Cream, whose most prominent member, 
Eric Clapton, was also an alumnus of the 
Yardbirds. 

The Yardbirds never became that big 
in the U.S., but they were the progeni- 
tors of heavy metal. In 1963 Clapton had 
been hired when the original lead gui- 
tarist quit to go back to college, just after 
the group replaced the Rolling Stones as 
the house band at London's Crawdaddy 
Club. Clapton didn't last long. He didn't 
like the group's shift from blues to pop. 
and moved on to John Mayall's Blues- 
breakers—which for a while had Jack 
Bruce on bass—before drummer Ginger 
Baker came up with the idea to form a 
trio. Clapton's replacement in the Yard- 
birds was Jeff Beck, who, after leaving 


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DON'T LET THE CENSORS 
PULL THE PLUG ON FREEDOM 


Today, you decide what gets shown on tage by those who demand it reflect only 
television. Simply by tuning in. But a politi- their view of the world, fight back. Call 
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the group in March 1967, formed anoth- 
er ur-metal band, the Jeff Beck Group, 
which included Stone-to-be Ron Wood 
on guitar and whiskey-voiced Rod Stew- 
art on vocals. Jimmy Page, who had left 
an extremely successful gig as a studio 
musician to join the group, ultimately 
took over as lead guitarist. 

While it lasted, Cream was the mon- 
ster group of them all. The band's first 
album, 1966's Fresh Cream, created a buzz 
in the underground press. The album 
proved to be considerably more re- 
strained and arty than the group was 
during its first U.S. tour in April 1967. 
CLAPTON ISGOD had been a common Lon- 
don graffito even before Cream. His ex- 
tended solos were often transcendent, as 
the live tracks from 1968's Wheels of Fire 
indicate. Crcam's live version of the old 
Robert Johnson song Crossroads from 
Wheels is a quintessential example of how 
the band changed the blues into some- 
thing new. Cream was assimilating some 
of the ideas going around in the free jazz 
of the Sixties—group improvisation, for 
one thing. Each member took long py- 
rotechnic solos, but on tracks such as 
Crossroads, the whole band performed 
aggressive group improvisation. It's no 
wonder Cream lasted so briefly, existing 
as a group only from July 1966 to No- 
vember 1968. 

Clapton went off to his superstar 
noodling with Stevie Winwood in the 
forgettable Blind Faith. But Led Zep- 
pelin took the kind of rock that Cream 
had been making even further, and 
would become the heavy metal band of 
the Seventies. 

Many American rockers, led yet again 
by Bob Dylan, began to get into the 
country-music side of rock. Country 
rock had come about in the Fifties in the 
music of Chuck Berry, Elvis (before he 
went Hollywood) and Buddy Holly as a 
fusion of rhythm and blues and country. 

Dylan had been out of commission for 
a while because of a 1966 motorcycle ac- 
cident on a hill a couple of miles from his 
house near Woodstock. WI rock was 
rapidly changing around him, he sat re- 
cuperating in the country. Early in 1967 
Dylan talked the Band into joining him. 
In West Saugerties they rented a bright- 
pink aluminum-sided house they named 
Big Pink, where they put in a basement 
studio and recorded the much-boot- 
legged Basement Tapes sessions. 

In 1968 Dylan gave a hint of things to 
come on his John Wesley Harding album, 
which was considerably diflerent from 
the 1966 double LP Blonde on Blonde. 
The pre-accident songs on Blonde on 
Blonde signaled the end of Dylan's Vil- 
lage poet period. Rainy Day Women #12 
& 35, Leopardskin Pillbox Hat and Just Like 
a Woman were on it, plus the epic Sad- 
Eyed Lady of the Lowlands and Visions of Jo- 
hanna, which is like a Kerouac story of 
Village life. But the postaccident songs 


on John Wesley Harding were simple, 
shorter, less apocalyptic. The sound was 
countrified. Which figured, since Dylan 
had used several Nashville studio musi- 
cians—Charlie McCoy, Kenny Buttrey 
and Pete Drake—on the sessions. 

The Band's first album, named after 
their house, hit the charts in August 
1968. It contained three Dylan songs, a 
haunting version of the Fifties Lefty 
Frizell hit Long Black Veil and several 
originals—including The Weight, which, 
legend has it, had lyrics written in 20 
minutes by Robbie Robertson as he sat in 
a recording-studio stairwell. Toronto- 
born Robertson may have been the 
brains of the Band, but their music owed 
a lot to the Southern country influence 
of drummer Levon Helm, who had 
grown up in Arkansas. (The other band 
members were Canadian.) Robertson 
seemed to write songs specifically for 
Helm. Helm sang lead on The Weight, 
which was soulful enough to be covered 
by Aretha Franklin, the Temptations and 
the Supremes. The Band's eponymous 
second album hit the charts in October 
1969. It offered further proof of the 
bedrock Americana of their music, 
which could most obviously be heard in 
The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, a 
Civil War lament from the losing side, 
again sung by Helm. 

But it was Dylan's spring 1969 
Nashville Skyline that prefigured the turn 
toward country that many rock bands 
would take in the early Seventies. With 
that turn would come the rise of South- 
ern cracker guitar rock—the most shin- 
ing example of which would be the All- 
man Brothers. Nashville Skyline was so 
Nashville it barely sounded like rock. In 
case anyone missed the point, it began 
with a brave if shaky duet between Dylan 
and Johnny Cash on Girl From the North 
Country. 

By 1970, it seemed like time to hunker 
down on a farm and try to escape the 
storm. Sheepskin coats, Wells Fargo belt 
buckles and Frye cowboy boots replaced 
the mod Sixties look. Even the Grateful 
Dead, the quintessential acidhead band, 
returned to their folk-country roots on 
the 1970 Workingman's Dead, but it was 
country rock with an add wink. 

The change in music in the early Sev- 
enties also was reflected in the rock-star 
mortality rate. The pleasurable excesses 
of the Sixties had killed off some of the 
most important members of the late Six- 
ties scene. Many lived fast, died young 
and left a good-looking corpse. By 1972 
the dead included Brian Jones, Jimi 
Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and 
many others. On their last album togeth- 
er, the Beatles sang about getting back to 
where they once belonged. But they 
were dead as a group and broke up in 
1970. Ina way, Sixties rock was born and 
buried with them. 


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J2ANMIE CCHARAN 


(continued from page 104) 


When Johnnie Cochran speaks of silver linings, he 
sounds as if he has minted the silver. 


on the case and that's going to cause 
problems.’ Shapiro was there by the 
fourteenth night, it happened that fast 

Once Shapiro had surfaced and Howard 
[Weitzman] stepped back, 1 called Sha- 
piro and said, "Look, this man's an ac- 
quaintance of mine and I don't want to 
cause problems with what you're trying 
to do, and we agreed that we would wait 
until the preliminary hearing was over. 
"That was on July 8, and then O.J. really 
stepped up the pressure and 1 had to 
make a decision. At that point 1 was 
pleased with what I was doing in terms 
of TV commentary on the case. I was on 
the sidelines and was somewhat enjoying 
it. I have a heavy caseload, and Michael 
Jackson was still very much pending, but 
here's O.J. saying, ‘I need your help.” I 
talked with my minister, William Epps of 
the Second Baptist Church of Los Ange- 
les, and I talked with my father. 1 prayed 
over it, and then I went to New York to 
talk with Michael Jackson. He said, 
“Well, look, I love Ojj., but I want you to 


be available when I need you,’ and I told 
him I would be. And here’s how it final- 
ly came down: In this world, if you can't 
help an acquaintance or somebody 
you care about, someone you know, who 
can you help?” 

Cochran has come downstairs after 
working out in his private gym; he might 
easily be taken for a man in his early 40s. 
He wears an embroidered khaki jump- 
suit, a gold Movado watch and the same 
smoked, gold-rimmed glasses he wore in 
the Watts parade—bifocals, they turn 
out to be, and the only indication that he 
is 57 years old. His voice can mislead 
you, too. It is inflected with lots of tonal 
italics and modulated with a dramatic re- 
straint in the lower register that gives 
way to sudden, almost ecstatic swoops. 
Close your eyes and he’s an ebullient 
youngster, barely able to contain his ex- 
citement about life. 

In truth, his enthi m can be a bit 
daunting; it's like the sun blazing, this 
winter day, in a relentlessly blue sky. He 


“Look thoughtful. Never, never look puzzled!” 


swears it's no act, though. “Most times 
I'm this buoyant. There are down days, 
of course. We'll have battles over strate- 
gy in the Simpson case or whatever, but 
I've found that I rarely have two down 
days in a row. In my life there are more 
up days than down days, and when the 
record is written, | believe the up days 
will be many more, and I look forward to 
those days. 1 got that from my father. 
He's an eternal optimist. He's sitting in 
the hospital this week, recovering from 
an automobile accident he had a while 
ago, and he sees something bright about 
it: ‘Gosh, these nurses are wonderful!’ 
He sees something good in everything.” 

Clearly, Cochran got a lot from his fa- 
ther: his salesman's gift of gab, his plea- 
sure in pressing the flesh, his emphasis 
on achievement and his eagerness to fire 
up those around him: "In my father's 
business they'd have these contests, and 
everybody wanted to be top agent. Now, 
in my own law practice, we have lawyer 
ofthe quarter, lawyer ofthe year. A lot of 
it goes back to what my father was do- 
ing—motivating people to be the best 
they could be." 

In this sense, Johnnie Cochran Jr. fits 
an American archetype, the hugely ener- 
кейс, eternally hopeful salesman who 
turns up in works as diverse as Sinclair 
Lewis’ Babbitt and Tennessee Williams’ 
The Glass Menagerie, with slower pacing 
he could play the Gentleman Caller. 
When he describes a glass as half full 
rather than half empty, it’s with blithe 
disregard for cliché (or maybe fondness 
for cliché, since it’s the familiar that con- 
nects with juries, and Cochran plays to 
every conversational partner as if to a ju- 
ror). When he speaks of silver linings, he 
sounds as if he has minted the si 

Yet George Babbitt, for all hi 
yearnings, was a shallow striver, while 
Johnnie Cochran's roots go deep into 
family and religion. He's been a member 
of the Second Baptist Church since the 
age of 11 and recently bought his church 
new carpet, new pews and a new van to 
pick up shut-in members of the congre- 
gation. On Christmas, as soon as services 
were over, he went to the family plot in 
Inglewood, where his mother is buried. 
"We have about eight crypts there. We 
are all real close in the family. My moth- 
er's there now, my grandmother's two 
over from her. The rest of us will be there 
someday. We'll all be together again." 


Born in Shreveport, Louisiana, 
Cochran was six years old when he, his 
nts and his two sisters boarded a 
train for California. At first the family 
lived in the Alameda housing project in 
northern California, then moved to San 
Diego before settling in Los Angeles, 
where he was one of no more than 30 
blacks in his class at Los Angeles High. 
(One classmate, and a friend, was Dustin 


Hoffman.) After UCLA he went to Loy- 
ola Law School and graduated in 1962. 
Since then, Cochran has practiced many 
kinds of law in many venues. When the 
Watts riots exploded in 1965, he had just 
crossed over into private practice after 
working nearly three years as a deputy 
city attorney. A year later he represented 
the family of Leonard Deadwyler, a 
young black man who had been shot and 
killed by police as he drove his pregnant 
wife to the hospital. Charges were never 
filed against the police, and Cochran's 
firm eventually lost a civil suit. But the 
city allowed the coroner's inquest to be 
televised, thus handing Cochran his first 
star turn on TV. 

Thanks to his virtuosity as a trial attor- 
ney, Cochran became the opposite of 
Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man, became an 
African American who was widely no- 
ticed, and almost universally admired, 
by whites and blacks alike. (It’s difficult 
to find anyone who has an unkind word 
about Cochran. A leading plaintiff's 
lawyer who prides himself on being a 
skeptic said he viewed Johnnie Cochran 
"with reverence,” then changed it to 
"with profound respect" because he 
didn't want to sound gushy.) Cochran 
learned to work not only both sides of 
the street—in the late Seventies he 
crossed over once again to become the 
number three man in the Los Angeles 
County district attorney's office for sev- 


eral years—but every street in town. For 
poor clients, he has won stunning victo- 
ries, mostly in suits charging police with 
excessive force. Estimates of the total set- 
tlements he has obtained in the past ten 
years alone are as high as $45 million. 
For wealthy and powerful clients, his 
very presence in court or in the confer- 
ence room serves as an insurance policy 
that has yielded settlements to seemingly 
intractable disputes and acquittals in the 
face of horrendously damaging facts. 
Long before Cochran signed on as 
one of Simpson's attorneys, his list of 
celebrity clients included another foot- 
ball great, Jim Brown, for whom he won 
a dismissal of rape charges, as well as 
singer Lou Rawls and teen television 
star Todd Bridges. In December 1993, 
Cochran took on representation of the 
beleaguered Michael Jackson and, one 
month later, helped settle hi 
Now, of course, because of Simpson's 
travails, the entire nation, and indeed 
the world, is able to see Cochran in ac- 
tion and can savor the courtroom style 
for which he is famous—a smooth, 
unflappable civility coupled with a co- 
bra's coiled power, focus and flash. 
"He's very much self in front of a 
jury,” says Bob Jordan, the assistant 
head deputy district attorney in Nor- 
walk, California, who, as a Los Angeles 
county prosecutor, tried cases with 
Cochran. “He tries a clean, straightfor- 


ward case, and juries like and trust 

“He's superb." says Los Angeles crimi 
nal lawyer Paul Geragos. “He doesn't 
wilt under fire. There are lawyers who 
are very good when everything goes 
their way, who have great control and a 
command of the scene. But when things 
go awry, their facade cracks and they 
tremble. Johnnie doesn't do that. And it 
isn't even his facade. It's his persona." 

When I talk about Cochran's reputa- 
tion for being unflappable and ask if 
there aren't times when he gets a little 
flustered, like all the rest of us, Cochran 
says he doesn't think so, and connects 
that to his religion. "I have this inner 
strength," he replies in a matter-of-fact 
way that manages not to be boastful. 
“That's what it boils down to, a belief in 
God. So I'm never going to fall apart or 
crack, no matter what happens. I’m go- 
ing to remain unflappable because I 
have that belief." 

Cochran does show some irritation 
when the subject turns to Vincent 
Bugliosi, the veteran prosecutor who 
said in the December 1994 issue of this 
magazine: "Johnnie is a good lawyer, and 
very well liked and respected. But. al- 
though I might be wrong, Гт not sure 
he has ever won a murder case before 
a jury." 

"I have a whole list of murder cases 
I've won over the years," Cochran notes. 
“I've probably tried in excess of 30 and 


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PLAYBOY 


146 


won 80 percent of them. By winning, I 
mean walking the client right out the 
door. It's funny Vincent should have 
said that, because he and I have a good 
relationship. We were on Larry King Live 
together, and I was surprised: He's not 
at all at ease before a camera. You know, 
Larry King's in Washington or some- 
where and he's asking the questions—I 
was doing a lot of that sort of thing at the 
time and enjoying it—but somebody 
walked past our camera and as soon as 
there's a break Vincent says, “Will you 
stop? Stop distracting me. You walked 
past the camera!’ He's a nervous wreck. I 
was amazed. This guy has written all 
these books and he's a nervous wreck, 
he's sweating and he's dabbing. It was 
really interesting.” 

Is this the Johnnie Cochran who's re- 
puted to be so disarmingly generous to- 
ward his adversaries? For a moment it's 
hard to tell, but he ends up saying, with 
a smile, “I've had murder cases he's nev- 
er heard of. But I just accept those 
things. I haven't seen Vincent since that 
show, but when I see him ГЇЇ just say, 
"You know, you re wrong. Гуе tried a lot 
of murder cases. I've tried more murder 
cases than you have, Vincent." 


On the coffee table in Cochran's den 
are several elegant books, the most inter- 


esting of which celebrates the work of 
Ernie Barnes, the former NFL player 
who has become an acclaimed figurative 
artist. Several of Barnes' paintings hang 
on Cochran's walls, and it’s easy to see 
why: Both men are African Americans 
who move casily in diverse worlds. John- 
nie Cochran's career has been so diverse 
that a long, admiring piece in last May's 
issue of The American Lawyer called him 
"tough to pigeonhole"; another profile, 
in The Washington Post, started out by call- 
ing him a paradox, though the writer 
never got around to explaining why. 
Freely interpreted, such terms mean 
he's a top dog who looks out for the un- 
derdog, a defender of the rich and fa- 
mous who also stands up for poor vic- 
tims of police abuse. He's a black man 
who is hugely successful in white Ameri- 
ca; a black man who, on O.J. Simpson's 
behalf and for reasons unconnected with 
race, tried to have another black man, 
deputy district attorney Christopher 
Darden, taken off the prosecution team; 
a black man who defended a prestigious 
and predominantly white university 
against a black man (Marvin Cobb, a for- 
mer USC assistant athletic director) who 
claimed he was denied a promotion be- 
cause of racial bias. And, most intriguing 
of all, he's a black man representing а 
white man, Reginald Denny, who was 
beaten almost to death by blacks in the 


“That guy who said he was a Peruvian diplomat used a phony 
credit card? My God, girls, we've been raped!" 


1992 South Central riots. 

Yet there's another way to look at this 
that requires editing out all references to 
black and white. Cochran is simply a 
lawyer of formidable talents who goes 
wherever those talents take him and 
does what his clients need. Like other 
prominent, well-connected lawyers, he 
ilds success upon success, attracting 
individuals and corporations who are 
willing, often eager, to pay him large 
amounts of money. Like all great law- 
yers, however, he operates from a mor- 
al and ethical base, so there's always 
room in his caseload for his convictions, 
and for his gleeful, almost boyish delight 
in new ideas. (“You go to Rome and look 
at the Sistine Chapel and you think, Why 
couldn't somebody do that today? We 
know so much more today, but nobody 
does those kinds of things because peo- 
ple think all the good ideas have 
passed.") 

From this perspective, the paradoxical 
becomes plausible—Denny versus Los 
Angeles is the obverse of Cobb versus 
USC. Why shouldn't a black defense 
lawyer rag on a black prosecutor on be- 
half of а black client? The pigeon, far 
from nesting in a single hole, fies the 
coop any time he chooses. 

Between trials, strategy sessions, staff 
meetings, settlement conferences and 
recreational jetting around the world 
with his wife; Dale, a marketing analyst 
with a Ph.D., Johnnie Cochran some- 
times gives inspirational speeches to 
young people. When he gets to the part 
about making a difference in people's 
lives, he likes to tell them about the Ron 
Settles case, and the difference he made 
in the life of a family and a community. 

Ron Setles was a Cal State-Long 
Beach football star who, in 1981, was 
picked up for speeding in Signal Hill, a 
small, white, working-class enclave in 
Los Angeles County. Shortly after his ar- 
rest, Seules. an African American, was 
found hanged in his jail cell. The police 
wrote it off as a suicide, and that would 
have seemed to be the end of it. Settles 
was already buried back home in Ten- 
nessee by the time his parents asked 
Cochran to represent them in a lawsuit. 
“People told me that I was crazy to take 
the case," Cochran recalls. "All the wit- 
nesses were police witnesses, and the one 
other guy who was in jail at the time was 
mysteriously taken off to court [when the 
body was found]. But Cochran, in a 
dramatic roll of the dice, persuaded Ron 
Settles’ parents to have their son's body 
exhumed and to take their chances on 
the outcome of an autopsy. 

"The exhumation took 13 hours, and 
it was horrible. l'd never experienced 
anything like it. If water gets to a body, it 
turns, like, to soup, and the smell is un- 
believable. We had to put on smocks, be- 
cause if we didn't take off our clothes 
we'd have to throw those clothes away. 
But the one thing his parents said was, 


"Please stay with our son's body until this 
is over, and let us know what the results 
are.' When I was in law school 1 would 
never have dreamed I would be faced 
with such a situation. But I did it, I 
stayed there, and it was tough." 

Cochran has told this story many 
times, but he's such an accomplished 
raconteur that he seems to lose himself, 
once again, in the horror and solemnity 
of the moment. "The body was well- 
muscled, but looking at it, after a while, 
was like looking at an empty house. 
There was no spirit or anything in there. 
And watching the coroners cut away— 
one of them cut himself. I'll never forget 
this, that he said, ‘Oh, don't worry, noth- 
ing can live in there anyway, so he kept 
on going and then they had lunch. They 
were having sandwiches while they were 
doing this! There was a big crowd, and 
a CBS news crew was waiting outside. 
Then we finally got the results. He had 
died from esophageal hemorrhaging. 
His esophagus had been pushed against 
his spinal cord, and you can get that on- 
ly from the bilateral compression of a 
chokehold. We had 'em!" 

On the basis of the autopsy, the Settles 
family was awarded $760,000, at the 
time the largest settlement in a jail-death 
case in California. Beyond that, Signal 
Hill underwent a revolution. "This was 
the worst community Cochran says. 
"They would never investigate police 
abuse. lt was just terrible. Everybody 
knew about it and they kept turning a 
deaf eye! But then they did a manage- 
ment study that said, “You either have to 
shut down this police department and 
bring the sheriff's department in here, 
or you have to make these changes," 
which meant spending a lot of tax mon- 
еу. By the time we were finished, the po- 
lice chief had been fired." 


As the Simpson trial approaches its cli- 
max, Cochran is polishing his closing ar- 
gument. He had indicated, during the 
time we met late in 1994, that O.J. would 
not testify on his own behalf —"His only 
opportunity to express what he is think- 
ing will be through me or whoever is 
making these arguments"—so the sum- 
mation will carry a special significance. 
“When I stand up to deliver it,” Cochran 
says, “I'll be speaking from the heart. 
You may remember Leslie Abramson's 
closing argument in the Menendez case. 
She was great. She got up there and 
stuck those pins in the pictures and it 
was wonderful. Then Lester Kuriyama, 
the deputy district attorney, stood up 
and read his argument. You can't do that. 
You have to give of yourself. Sure, you 
might glance down at some notes, but 
you don't read them. What does that say 
about your knowledge and your com- 
mitment to the case?” 

Win, lose or draw on ОЈ. it's a phe- 


nomenal time of life for Johnnie 
Cochran, and he knows it. “At our office 
Christmas party, where we pass out the 
bonuses, Ї was saying how things hap- 
pen that you can't anticipate. Last year 
started with Michael Jackson. We had 
the resolution in the Michael Jackson 
case in January 1994, and when we 
walked out of the Santa Monica court- 
house we saw hundreds of cameras in a 
line and helicopters overhead; it was 
amazing. Then along comes O.J. Simp- 
son. I wonder what's going to happen 
next year. I have no idea.” 

Maybe not, if he's talking about which 
new clients will come knocking on his 
door, But it’s a safe bet that, starting in 
April or May, he'll devote himself to 
a case that's already in the works, one 
that, unlike Simpson's, may break new 
ground in jurisprudence: the $40 mil- 
lion damage suit he has filed against the 
city of Los Angeles on behalf of Reginald 
Denny and three other riot victims. 

We saw what happened to Denny, live 
from the corner of Florence and Nor- 
mandie: the truck lumbering into the in- 
tersection, the driver pulled from his cab 
and beaten beneath the unblinking eyes 
of news helicopters. Most of us felt pro- 
found horror, not only because of the 
savagery of the beating but because of 
the inexplicable absence of police. 

Johnnie Cochran saw it, too, but he 
and Denny didn't meet until months lat- 
er, after Denny was out of the hospital. “I 
gota call from a friend, Dominick Rubal- 
cava, who's a wonderful lawyer in Santa 
Monica. He had met Denny through 
Denny's family, and he said, 'I want you 
to go see this guy. I think it's a case that's 
right up your alley.’ So Dom and I went 
to see Reginald on a Saturday in the 
summer of 1992, Reginald Denny is a re- 
markable human being.” 

Asa matter of course, Cochran uses el- 
evated language to describe people he 
likes—wonderful lawyers. great friends, 
fine neighbors. In the case of Reggie 
Denny, though, he means exactly what 
he says. For one thing, Denny showed 
no interest in bringing suit against his at- 
tackers or anyone else, and not because 
he lacked intelligence or imagination 
"He's a man without rancor, without 
bitterness,” Cochran says with wonder. 
“He'd gotten something like 30,000 let- 
ters, and some of them were hate letters, 
people sending checks and saying, "This 
is for white people uniting,’ that sort of 
thing. He sent the money back, he didn't 
want any part of it. When 1 first saw this 
guy, I was sold hook, line and sinker. He 
didn't see things in racial terms. He said, 
“Mr. Cochran, here I was in this area, I 
was just driving my truck and I got beat- 
en up by these black guys. But then 
black people came and saved me when 
the police didn't.’ I said, We've got to 
help this guy." 

То figure out how, Cochran returned 
10 his office that same day and convened 


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PLAYBOY 


148 


an impromptu meeting of the firm. The 
most obvious approach was bringing suit 
against the city, but this was easier said 
than done: A large body of law on gov- 
ernment immunity makes it almost im- 
possible to sue police departments for 
negligence in riot situations. 

Then Cochran and an associate, Eric 
Ferrer, started kicking around some 
ideas about violations of civil rights. 
They agreed that if Denny were black he 
might claim he had been injured be- 
cause the police had a discriminatory 
policy of not protecting South Central. 
Denny is not black, of course, a fact that 
at first seemed an insoluble problem. 
But suddenly Cochran and Ferrer saw 
the light. Denny's skin color didn't mat- 
ter. The real issue was a violation of legal 
protection for all people in that area, in- 
cluding a white trucker who just hap- 
pened to be driving through. Cochran 
beams as he recalls the moment: “We 
said, "That's it! That's it! That's it’” 

That wasn't quite it for some of 
Cochran's associates. They were ap- 
palled by the idea of a black law firm 
representing a white victim of the riots. 
But Cochran stood fast. "My career 
wouldn't mean anything, I wouldn't like 
anything about myself or my firm, if I re- 
fused to represent Reginald Denny be- 


cause he was beaten by some black hot- 
heads—any more than I would refuse to 
represent a black person who'd been 
beaten by some vhite hotheads. It was 
an easy decision for me, and the lawyers 
all came to understand that it was the 
right thing to do." Since then, Cochran 
and Denny have bonded like the two 
sweet-spirited soul mates they seem to 
be. "I took Reggie and his daughter 
Ashley to Bill Clinton's inauguration," 
Cochran says. "He had never been to 
Washington, and he had the time of his 
life. He and his daughter went to the ball 
in Union Station, and then they were out 
on the Mall with all that wonderful 
singing. He's wonderful, wonderful. 
He's an outstanding client." 

This is vintage Cochran in the buoy- 
ancy, energy and hyperbole—were he 40 
years younger, he might be describing 
а dient who had just bought a big in- 
surance policy. But it's also Johnnie 
Cochran in the prime of his life, revving 
up for another great case, one that 
promises to sweep away conventional 
notions of race with its focus on justice. 
“This thing is so enthralling,” Cochran 
says, with a fervor that could make over 
the Sistine Chapel. 


“Let’s pop down to Republican headquarters and have them 
clue us in about family values.” 


DAVID MAMET 


(continued from page 60) 

And the censor says, “Good, can I 
have two tickets for Wednesday?” And 
he goes back to the building where he 
works. І would much rather deal with 
that guy than with some idiot who just 
got out of the Yale drama school and 
works as a script reader at the XYZ stu- 
dio in Hollywood. Those are the people 
who will eventually control publishing 
and movies. 

PLAYBOY: You don't see a danger in fun- 
damentalist groups that want to get J.D. 
Salinger out of the library? Or black 
groups that try to do the same with 
Huckleberry Finn? 

MAMET: Of course. There is a vast danger. 
But, again, I say that's a minor threat. I 
noticed some black group wants to get 
Uncle Tom's Cabin out of the library some- 
where. I wonder if they've even read the 
book. If there were ever a more beauti- 
fully written novel that was an indict- 
ment of slavery. ... 

PLAYBOY: You know very well that people 
are sensitive about these questions. You 
wrote an article in The Guardian calling 
Schindler's List "emotional pornography" 
and “Mandingo for Jews." Can you elabo- 
rate on that? 

MAMET: I don't think you can get more 
elaborate than “Mandingo for Jews." 
PLAYBOY: Is anti-Semitism something you 
are especially worried about? 

MAMET: As a Jew I'm very concerned that 
we are falling back on the traditional an- 
swer of the Jewish intellectuals in the 
‘Twenties, which was to assimilate. To try 
to hide. You say, "I am an Austrian or a 
German or a German Jew, and 1 am 
such a part of the culture that I don't 
have this other identity." 

1 was talking to a survivor of the Holo- 
caust, who had lost all his family. He said 
the worst fear of intellectuals was not in 
seeing their families killed and their pos- 
sessions confiscated and their race de- 
stroyed. Their worst nightmare was in 
winding up naked in the field with a 
bunch of Jews. 

But there is no ticket of admission. 
During the Holocaust, all they cared 
about was if you were a Jew. They didn't. 
care how much money you had or if 
you'd won the Iron Cross in World War 
One. To be Jewish meant to be dead. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think this desire to as- 
similate is still a problem? 

MAMET: Before I went to Israel, I talked 
to my rabbi and he said, "You are in for 
a shock." And I said, "Why? It is a Jewish 
country." He said, "No, that's easy. You 
are going to be in for a shock because 
what you will find is that there are 
rapists, murderers, litterbugs and 
grumpy people in Israel, just like in any 
place in the world.” He said that the les- 
son in Israel is that Jews are just like any- 
body else. That's what we've been fight- 
ing for 3000 years—to have a country 


just like anyone else. 

But if you look at the depictions of 
Jews in the movies, it's the kindly little 
old lady, Molly Goldberg. or it's the No- 
bel physicist. People are bending over 
backward to say, ‘See, we're treating 
Jews with kid gloves." 

1 wrote another essay in which I said 
that you find few Jewish heroes in the 
movies. The Jewish answer has always 
been, "Well, that's OK. It's not impor- 
tant." Earlier you asked about things you 
cannot say—well, here are two: You can- 
not say you are a Jew first and then an 
American. And you cannot say that the 
movie business is a Jewish business. If 
there is anything wrong with that, I 
don't know what it is. Except that the 
Jewish moguls kept the Jews out of the 
movies. Where are the Jewish charac- 
ters? When you find a Jew in the movies, 
it is probably something like the charac- 
ter in Spike Lee's Mo Better Blues, which 
was a straight-up anti-Semitic portrait. 
It’s not right. The end of itis murder. 
PLAYBOY: Should Spike Lee have his wrist. 
slapped? 

MAMET: By whom? I sent him a letter. 
PLAYBOY: Did he respond? 

MAMET: No. It's not his job to respond. 
But it is my job to write a letter. 

PLAYBOY: How do you respond when 
people challenge your characterizations? 
MAMET: The first time we did Oleanna, we 
had about 15 young people from univer- 
sities who came to see the play. After- 
ward 1 asked them, "Well, what do you 
think?" One young woman said, “Don't 
you think this is politically irresponsi- 
ble?" I didn't know what it meant and I 
sull don't know. 

PLAYBOY: [5 this sort of thinking going to 
be with us for a while? 

MAMET: 1 hope not, but I think so. Like 
I said earlier, young people are fright- 
ened. They wonder why they're in col- 
lege, what they are going to do when 
they get out, what has happened to soci- 
ety. Nobody's looking out for them and 
there's nothing for them to go into. It's 
no wonder they're trying to take things 
into their own hands. 

PLAYBOY: Were your college years fearful 
or did you find your vocation then? 
MAMET: There was a light verse 1 heard 
once about Hamlet. It goes like this: 


Young Hamlet was prince of Denmark, 
А country disrupted and sad, 

His mother had married his uncle, 

His uncle had murdered his dad. 

But Hamlet could not make his mind up, 
Whether to dance or to sing. 

He gol all frenetic 

And walked round pathetic, 

And did not do one fucking thing. 


The last three lines sum up my college 
career. I spent a lot of time in the theater 
in college 

PLAYBOY: Was that the genesis of your in- 
terest in the theater? 

MAMET: Actually, I grew up as something 


ofa child actor in Chicago. My uncle was 
the head of broadcasting for the Chicago 
Board of Rabbis and I used to do a radio 
show for Jewish children Sunday morn- 
ings. I was an amateur actor as a kid, 
then 1 got involved at Hull House in 
Chicago in the early Sixties. 

PLAYBOY: And playwriting? Did you sud- 
denly find your calling when you read 
Death of а Salesman at 16, or something 
like that? 

MAMET: None of it ever made any sense 
to me until I started reading Beckett and 
Pinter. That was my wake-up call. 
PLAYBOY: When would that have been? 
College? 

MAMET: I was 14 

PLAYBOY: That must have made you some 
kind of nerd. 

MAMET: Not really I hated school. But I 
was on the wrestling team and I played 
football. I was sports editor for the 
school paper. And 1 read a lot. I used to 
hang out at the Oak Street Book Shop in 
Chicago. It was a magic place for me. In 
back they had a room full of books by 
playwrights, and 1 used to dream about 
what it would be like to have a book I 
had written on one of those shelves. 
PLAYBOY: Did your feeling for drama sus- 
tained you through college? 

MAMET: Yeah. That's all I did. Hung out 
at the theater. 

PLAYBOY: When you were starting out 
professionally, back in Chicago, were 
you able to support yourself with your 
work in the theater? 

MAMET: Lord, no. I had jobs. I worked as 


a real estate salesman and as a cabdriver. 
PLAYBOY: How did you do as a real estate 
salesman? 

MAMET: I never got out of the office. I was 
in charge of the leads, like the character 
in Glengarry Glen Ross. 

PLAYBOY: Was that as unpleasant an ex- 
perience as the play depicts? 

MAMET: It was harsh. I also sold carpet 
over the phone. Cold calling. Anybody 
who has ever done it knows what I'm 
talking about. 

PLAYBOY: How did you describe color 
over the phone? 

MAMET: They had all these names that 
sounded like they could have been ice 
cream. Or horses. 

PLAYBOY: If you learned business from 
handling real estate leads, what about 
cabdriving? Did you get any material 
from conversations you overheard? 
MAMET: No. But J always enjoyed driving 
a cab. For two reasons. You could start in 
the morning with no money, even to eat, 
and after a couple of fares, you would 
have enough to buy breakfast. The other 
reason was those Checker cabs, which we 
all drove in those days. They had the 
best heaters in the world. It could be 30 
below in Chicago and you could drive all 
day in a T-shirt. It was so wonderfully 
warm. It was great. 

PLAYBOY: Since American Buffalo, your 
breakthrough work that had you on 
Broadway when you were 27, you have 
been a prolific playwright. Do you have 
dry spells? 

MAMET: Sure. You always have dry spells 


"This dress is so sexy it comes with a condom." 


MS 


PLAYBOY 


150 


as a writer. What I usually do when I'm 
in a dry spell is write something else. I 
just like to write. And I reap all sorts of 
rewards from it. It supports me and I've 
made a lot of friends doing it and it gives 
me a feeling of accomplishment. If I 
can't do it one way, I'll do it another. 
PLAYBOY: Do you pay much attention to 
the mechanics? Are you fussy about 
whether or not you are writing with 
number two pencils, that kind of thing? 
MANET: Oh, sure. If I've got nothing else 
to do, I'll bitch about that. For years I 
worked with the same manual type- 
writer. And I drank coffee. I'd sit down 
to write, take a sip of coffee, put the cup 
down on the right side of the typewriter, 
light a cigarette and type the first line. 
"Then I'd hit the carriage return and it 
would hit the cup and the coffee would 
go everywhere. I did that every day for 
20 years. Then I quit drinking coffee. 
PLAYBOY: And smoking cigarettes. 

MANET: That came first. 

PLAYBOY: It has been reported that you 


like cigars. 

MAMET: I gave them up, too. 

PLAYBOY: Are you one of those writers 
who need a routine? 

МАМЕТ: Sure. I have all kinds of routines. 
But I like to describe myself as a free 
spirit-will-o-the-wisp. So I keep myself 
blissfully ignorant of my routines. 
PLAYBOY: Do you write every day? 
MAMET: Sometimes. 

PLAYBOY: What's the source of your feel- 
ing for speech? 

MAMET: My family, I suppose. I had a 
grandfather who was a great talker and 
storyteller. His name was Naphtali. I was 
reading in the Bible the story of when 
Jacob is about to die and he is giving his 
sons his blessings. One of the sons, 
whose people became the tribe Naphtali, 
was given the blessing of speech, of be- 
ing able to talk the birds out of the trees. 
PLAYBOY: For all your success, there have 
been some setbacks, such as Lone Canoe 
onstage and We're No Angels on film. 
How do you bounce back? 


“T look for hunks and all I find are flakes.” 


MAMET: Rudyard Kipling said, “If you 
can meet with triumph and disaster and 
treat those two impostors just the same." 
I'm getting to be middle-aged enough to 
see that there is more than superficial 
truth in his assertion that they are both 
impostors. It's nice to have people like 
your work. 1 also hope as a writer that 1 
am my own best judge and worst critic. 

When you're young, everything seems 
like it's the end of the world. Bad re- 
view? OK, that's it. Oh my God, what's 
happened? You've just been excoriated 
in every newspaper in the country. How 
can you ever go on? Goddamn them ай. 
I hope they all get the mumps. 

Having spent too many years in show 
business, the one thing I see that suc- 
ceeds is persistence. It's the person who 
just ain't gonna go home. I decided ear- 
ly on that I wasn't going to go home. 
This is what ГЇЇ be doing until they put 
me in jail or put me in a coffin. 

Kids today say they are going to go to 
graduate school so they'll have some- 
thing to fall back on. If you have some- 
thing to fall back on, you're going to fall 
back on it. You learn how to take the crit- 
icism. You have to, or you get out. I was 
talking with a friend the other day about. 
something I was working on that wasn't 
going right. I said, “I don't like it. It's a 
piece of shit." 

He said, "Dave, never berate yourself. 
There are people who are paid to do 
that for you.” 

PLAYBOY: Any other advice for the young 
playwright? 

MAMET: My best friend, Jonathan Katz, 
was for a number of years the kid ping- 
pong champion of New York State. And 
when he was 12 or 13, he wandered into 
Marty Reisman's ping-pong parlor in 
New York City. Reisman was then the 
US. champion in table tennis and a ge- 
nius, an absolute genius. Jonathan asked 
him, “What do I have to do to play table 
tennis like you 

Reisman said, “First, drop out of 
school. 

That would be ту advice to aspiring 
playwrights. 

PLAYBOY: And how did you break into 
movies? 

MAMET: | got my first job in pictures 
through my ex-wife. She was going to 
audition for a part in Postman and I told 
her to tell Bob Rafelson, who was direct- 
ing, that he was a fool if he didn't hire 
me to write the screenplay. 1 was kid- 
ding, but she did it. And when it turned 
out he needed a writer, he called. When 
he asked why he should hire me, 1 told 
him, “Because ТЇЇ give you either a real- 
ly good screenplay or a sincere apology." 
PLAYBOY: One last question. Where do 
you get your titles? 

МАМЕТ: I don't know. But I thought of a 
good one the other day: Jn These Our 
Clothes. I think of titles and I write to fit. 


why men die young 

(continued from page 86) 
my father, dead in his early 60s of heart 
disease, and the support he could never 
get from my frustrated mother. Forced 
to quit a newspaper job when she mar- 
ried him at 21—a businessman's wife did 
not work in Peoria, Illinois in those 
days—she never found enough to do 
with her energy. Bridge. shopping, ten- 
nis, golf—she did it all and did it well. 
Perfect dinners, ringing the dinner bell 
for the maid, running the women's divi- 
sion of the Community Chest one year, 
the Sunday school the next, taking up 
eurythmics, even gambling her "al- 
lowance" on the stock market. 

All I remember is the sound of their 
fighting, arguing behind the closed door 
of their bedroom every night. Rarely did 
we see a sign of tenderness or affection 
between them. Nothing he did, nothing 
we, the children, did, was ever enough 
for her. And it got worse during the De- 
pression when the business didn't make 
enough to feed her fantasies. We were 
drawn by our mother into a conspiracy 
against him, not to let him know if she 
spent money on a new outfit for herself 
or us. Besides, he worked late every 
night and all day Saturdays. On Sun- 
days, he was really tired. Her mysteri- 
ous, painful ailment (colitis, 1 believe) 
got better when his heart disease re- 
quired her to run the business. And so 
he died in his early 60s, and she lived 
until 90. 

It is different with my sons. Life is 
shared—both the earning burden and 
the children, if not fifty-fifty certainly 
near enough. The wives of that genera- 
tion do not need to live through their 
husbands; they have their own careers to 
think about. They do not want to keep 
the children to themselves. They like it 
when the daddies carry the babies in 
their backpacks. Though it’s a hassle, 
опе or both stay home from work when 
a kid's fever suddenly soars or a sore 
throat threatens to turn into pneumo- 
nia. My sons diaper their babies with as 
much dexterity as their wives, though 
there’s no question who is mother and 
who is father. Maybe there is still a pow- 
er struggle over child care and house- 
work, especially if one earns much more 
than the other. But it's not the drastic 
power imbalance that existed when 
women didn’t carn, were totally depen- 
dent on their husbands and took out 
their rage and frustration in ways that 
undermined their comfort. After all, 
there is more than one kind of power in 
any family, and women, kept from finan- 
cial power, had to retaliate by denying 
and manipulating the power of love. 


These changes in the economy and 
the workplace lay the basis for a healthi- 


er relationship between men and wom- 
en. According to The Economist: 


Women have not, on the whole, 
taken men's jobs. But “women's 
jobs” have expanded in the past 
couple of decades while traditional 
“male” jobs have been disappear- 
ing. A larger proportion of women 
than men usually work in service in- 
dustries, and women are less likely 
than men to work in manufacturing 
[or heavy industry]. So as manufac- 
turing jobs have vanished, it is most- 
ly men who have been thrown out 
of work. 


The gap in pay between women and 
men had narrowed by the late Eighties, 
though more so at the bottom end of the 
pay scale than at the top. Women, of 
course, have vastly increased their edu- 
cation and job training recently. In the 
U.S. in 1988, women in their early 20s 
earned 90 percent of the hourly pay of 
men of the same age. Women 45 and 
over were paid an average of 45 percent 
of men’s hourly wage, The Economist 
reported. 

But as one economist put it: "It's not 
that great jobs were appearing for 
women at the bottom of the scale. It's 
just that there aren't any more good jobs 
for low-skilled male workers." And while 
the glass ceiling remains, men, down- 
sized from their previous good jobs, 
have had to take some of those low-paid 
"women's jobs." 

It would hardly help to tell a male sec- 
retary that the flexibility and responsive- 
ness he has had to acquire since he lost 
his "good job" are conducive to the long, 
ever-changing life his female colleagues 
look forward to. But the fact is that men 
and women at all tiers of the wage scale 
аге going to be taking the same kinds of 
jobs, all of them “temporary,” all likely to 
require new skills and learning and the 
ability to master change. 

And with the great majority of moth- 
ers now working outside the home, real- 
ity has replaced feminist ideology in re- 
quiring men "to share equally the 
nurture and daily care of their off- 
spring . . . to become more than after- 
hours buddies and playmates and to 
take on the less appealing aspects of 
child care." 


"Through all the power struggles over 
housework and child care, there is a 
glimpse of a new kind of intimacy based 
on sharing the burdens and joys of what 
used to separate men's and women's 
worlds. But you might not guess it from 
the rhetoric of angry feminist sexual pol- 
itics, and from the backlash rhetoric and 
defensiveness of those beleaguered 
“male oppressors.” 

ARE MEN REALLY THAT BAD? headlines 
Time's February 14, 1994 cover, its 


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152 


Valentine showing a man with a wedding 
ring on his hand and a real pig's head. 


Masculinity is in disrepute. Are 
we really as awful as they say we are? 
We are "They," "Them," "the Ene- 
my." The “manly” virtues (bravery, 
strength, discipline and, egad, ma- 
chismo itself) remain admirable on- 
ly by being quictly reassigned to 
women—to Janet Reno and Hillary 
Clinton. 

The Cold War is over. The war 
between the sexes has some poten- 
tial to take its place, to fill the need 
for portentous conflict with seem- 
ingly enormous issues and irrecon- 
cilable differences. Men and women 
at one another's throats, or waving 
knives at one another's private 
parts. 

Time to give gender a rest. Time 
to stop staring at life through the 
single monomaniacal lens of gender 
politics. We might spin the thought 
that good can come of cach sex 
thinking the best of the other. Only 
bad can come of each one thinking 
the worst. Quite a long time ago— 
remember?—we used to fall in love. 


The same stirring can be heard in the 
feminist voices coming from a younger 
generation. Writer Katie Roiphe was vir- 
tually crucified for her attack on the ex- 
cessive focus on date rape among college 
feminists. Naomi Wolfe, whose The Beau- 
ty Myth was the latest feminist best-seller, 
now summons her sisters to stop clutch- 
ing the shroud of victimhood and get on 
with their economic and political em- 
powerment. In Who Stole Feminism?, 
Christina Hoff Sommers viciously de- 
rides politically correct feminist confer- 
ences but makes a serious point about 


the way gender issues such as date rape, 
self-esteem and sexual harassment have 
diverted the movement from the eco- 
nomic issues of equality. 

1 can attest to that. The four major de- 
mands of the first important march of 
the modern women's movemeni—the 
Women's Strike for Equality, which 1 
called on August 26, 1970, on the 50th 
anniversary of women receiving the 
right to vote—were equal opportunity 
for women in jobs and education, child 
care centers, the right to abortion and 
our own political voice. Television cov- 
ered the unprecedented. march of 
50,000 down Fifth Avenue but focused 
on extremists who called pregnancy bar- 
baric and likened marriage to cancer. As 
а result, as Newsweek reports, “When or- 
dinary women hear about feminism, 
they automatically think *man-hating.'" 

"The war between the sexes wages ever 
more violently today in the media, which 
heighten and distort its most violent ex- 
pressions. But does every woman in 
America really identify with Lorena 
Bobbitt? O.J. Simpson got a police escort 
as he drove his white Bronco down the 
freeway. And the polls showed that large 
numbers of women and black men sym- 
pathized with him. But the polls also 
showed that the great majority of those 
supposedly villainous white males do not 
support Simpson, despite his celebrity as 
athlete and sportscaster. 

Such violence and the terrible anger 
that feeds it are real. There were real 
causes for the feminist outrage, a rage 
that generations of powerless women 
suffered in silence, or took out on their 
own bodies or on their husbands and 
kids. Violence against women is often 
masked as "the war between the sexes." 
There no longer can be a passive accep- 


“I told you things would get worse before they got better.” 


tance of wife beating, rape or any other 
form of violence. Men not only perpe- 
trate violence, they are also the main vic- 
tims of violence in America today. Vio- 
lence is one of the leading causes of 
death among young men. Violence—no 
longer in wars but in cities—is one rea- 
son men don't live as long as women 

The horror and outrage and, yes, the 
mixed feelings about the violence of 
Lorena Bobbitt and ОЈ. Simpson are 
perhaps a final symptom before the 
fever breaks. I see, in the new voices call- 
ing for peace between the sexes, signs of 
hope as well as backlash. Women had to 
march for equality in jobs and education 
and for the right to control their bodies. 
We empowered ourselves, finally, to 
blow the whistle on rape, wife beating 
and sexual harassment, and we had the 
Constitution interpreted to cover wom- 
en's right to control their own reproduc- 
tion, despite zealots who bomb clinics. 
We won the right to eat in restaurants 
and drink in bars where “men only” 
used to make the business deals. 

We have been able to make these 
changes only with economic indepen- 
dence, as our income has become essen- 
tial to the family's survival. Our person- 
hood as women and those traditional 
taken-for-granted services in the home 
have acquired a new respect. And now 
men are losing their good jobs and their 
role as sole provider. They have to de- 
pend on women now, not only for love 
(which was always a more important 
power than men or some feminists ad- 
mitted) but also for sharing. The new 
power struggle over the housework and 
the kids and the garbage may be less 
damaging to men than the hidden rage 
of women's absolute dependency. 

1 often warned that sexual politics was 
a deceptive diversion from women's 
road to equality, which has to be political 
and economic empowerment. Today it's 
an even more dangerous diversion: Sex- 
ual backlash and the war between the 
sexes make easy scapegoats. The politi- 
cal outrage generated by Anita Hill, 
when those senators still didn't get it, got 
more female senators elected than ever 
before. But a feminist demand to keep 
women in the workforce but fire the 
men would not make sense. (1, for one, 
am trying to rally my sisters to join with 
labor groups and others to demand a 
shorter workweek and flexible job shar- 
ing as alternatives to downsizing, which 
would help both women and men in the 
child-rcaring years.) 

Perhaps the Bobbitt and Simpson 
tragedies will wake us up. women and 
men, to the terrible folly of no-win sexu- 
al warfare. Men will live longer when 
women are strong enough to rcalize that. 
they don't need men as scapegoats any- 
more. We need you, and you need us 
now more than ever. 


DEALER'S CHOICE кши fron page 108) 


The others tense as though he’s about to unmask a 
monster, a serial killer, a vampire, a feminist. 


and irish lords she catches on a hand- 
line off the cannery pier after work those 
nights when there’s even less than noth- 
ing to do on the island. His eyes bulge 
as though he’s come up from a great 
depth. He's sprouting pectoral fins, gill 
plates. 

“And the new wild card is——" He 
drags this out good. Holding the deck 
up to eye level in his left palm, he slides 
the top card halfway off, peeks under it 
and flips it faceup on the table in front of 
him. “A deuce! Deuces are now wild.” He 
pushes a pile of wire nuts into the pot. 
“Pair of aces bets two.” Everyone sees the 
bet, and Possum reins in his excitement 
enough to start dealing the next round. 

Just to fry him, Darlene is about to 
turn the charm on Billy again when the 
door to the room opens and in walks 
a dark young girl in a Bering Pride 
Seafoods windbreaker and hot-pink Ly- 
cra tights. She's about 15 or so, obvious- 
ly Aleut, and something else too. The 
name George is stitched into the too- 
large nylon jacket in flowery cursive. 
The girl says to Roberto, "Dad, can 1 
sleep at Mom's house tonight?" 

"OK, I don't care," Roberto says. 
“Long as she's not drinking." 

“She doesn't have anything,” the girl 
says. "Nobody does." She looks hungrily 
at the beer cans in front of Possum and 
the electricians, at the bottle of Cuervo 
next to Darlene's Mountain Dew. She 
turns to leave. 

“And that guy’s not there either?” 
Roberto asks her. “Right?” He glances 
around the table uncomfortably. Billy 
and Walter make a show of studying 
their cards, but Possum is staring openly 
at the girl, as though searching for some 
mark on her, something that will de- 
scribe her role in whatever little drama 
her father is hinting at. Darlene hasn't 
been on the island long enough to know 
the particulars, but Roberto's embarrass- 
ment gives her a pretty clear picture of 
what the story is. 

"He's out on the seiner," the girl says. 

As Roberto considers that, Darlene 
looks the girl over and sees it all: the 
suede fringed boots caked with island 
mud, the look-at-me rings, two and 
three on a finger, the chipped fire-and- 
ice nail polish, the lavender eyeliner— 
way too wide, too thick and all wrong in 
any case for that beautiful olive-brown 
skin. She can see in the girl's eyes the de- 
spair at her entrapment on this rock, the 
loathing for this іше village. And she 
sees the romance of an older guy too—a 
guy with money, fish money, crab mon- 
ey. all those paychecks accumulating 


for weeks at sea. 

The girl catches Darlene studying her 
and she looks straight back, staring long- 
ingly at all that blonde hair, at Darlene's 
fine, hard breasts. Darlene can see her 
calculating the wide swath she could cut 
through the village boys with equipment 
like that. She wants to say to her, “Oh, 
honey, slow down. Slow way, way down.” 
And then the girl is gone, back out into 
the rainy Aleutian night. 

Roberto pulls on his face. He looks a 
little pale. “You have children?" he asks 
Darlene. 

“A boy, 16," she says and hears herself 
rush to add, "I was only 17 myself when 
I had him." But it's clear they are not 
concerned with her age. When she says, 
“Не lives with his father back in Vegas," 
everybody comes alert at the name of 
the city. 

Roberto's eyes narrow, wariness crest- 
ing around the rims. "You a dealer?" 
"The others tense as though he's about to 
unmask a monster among them, a serial 
killer, a vampire, a feminist. Billy and 
Walter look like they are going to make a 
dash for the door. 

“No way,” she laughs and pats Rober- 
to's arm. "Keno runner for a while. 
Mostly, though, I was a stripper." 

That does it. Roberto is not interested, 
his mind on his daughter again. But Bil- 
ly and Walter sit up a little taller in their 
scats, and Possum is staring at her shirt- 
front. OK, if this is the way it's going 
Бе. 

"Started at the Palomino Club on my 
twenty-first birthday. That was the first 
totally nude club in Vegas.” She empha- 
sizes "totally" She doesn't have a clue 
if that's true about the club, and she 
doesn't care. “I was so hot.” She shakes 
her head as if remembering times too 
wild to talk about. 

"You never mentioned that befor 
Possum says. He makes it sound as 
though he's been cheated somehow. 

She pours on the honey. “I feel like 1 
know you guys a little better now and I 
can open up a little, is all.” 

Roberto is too inscrutable for her to 
figure, but she can see the words “open 
up" stall in the minds of the other three 
as they ponder the possibilities. She can 
feel the vibrations coming across the 
floor under the table. The overhead 
light flickers. And it’s not just the big 
cannery generators and refrigeration 
units either. Billy has given up pretend- 
ing not to stare at her now, and she has 
to admit it's kind of sweet. Maybe the age 
difference isn't such a big deal. For a 


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PLAYBOY 


154 


moment she seriously considers it. 

Nah. Not this time. But it is tempting. 
It's always tempting. 

You'd think the cold, the constant rain 
on this island, would put a damper on all 
that, yet sometimes she listens to the oth- 
er women in the bunkhouse talking— 
they're girls really, coeds working on the 
slime line for the fat cannery paychecks 
that will give them another two semes- 
ters at schools Darlene has never even 
heard of. She hears them talking about 
guys, and it amazes her that, even after 
12, 14 back-cramping hours packing 
salmon roe or gutting slimy cod in a 
room cooled to near freezing, they still 
have the energy to pair up with their 
male counterparts. And where do they 
go? 15 there an old mattress, a scratchy 
wool blanket maybe, frayed and criss- 
crossed with pecker tracks, out there 
somewhere under the dripping, fog- 
drenched alder bushes? 

“Come on, deal,” Roberto says. He's 
turning a plastic wire nut over and over 
again in his fingers, walking it across his 
knuckles and back again. He's mutter- 
ing to himself and shaking his head. 
"Women gonna be whores, you can't 
stop them. You just can't. No way." Then 
he looks up suddenly and sees Darlene 
watching him. "Don't listen to me," 
he says to her. "My daughter. She's 


making me estupid." 

"There's a lot of that going around," 
Possum says. 

"Whorishness or stupidity?" Darlene 
asks him. 

"Sometimes both," Possum says and 
starts dealing another round, reading off 
the cards as they fall now even faster 
than usual. Darlene can't guess what has 
him more wound up, the vision of her 
naked gyrating bottom or the fact that 
he's the only one in the kitchen crew 
who knows about it. "Another six for Bil- 
ly makes a pair. Walter gets a five to go 
with his pair of nines. A king for Rober- 
to's queen and jack—straightening nice- 
ly. And a four for our dancing dishwash- 
er here—no help.” When he drops a 
second ace next to his wild deuce, every- 
one groans. He's apparently forgotten to 
swallow since hearing her revelation, 
and he spits all over himself as he says, 
“Three aces bets two bucks.” 

“Three fucking bullets,” Billy moans. 
“I should have gone fishing tonight.” 
But he puts his money in. 

Walter shakes his head. “I am fishing.” 
He sees the bet too. 

“I can beat three aces right now," 
Roberto says. He reaches for his chips. 
“Two dollar, and two more." He slams 
them down on the table hard enough to 
knock over Darlene's empty cup. 


"Would the court please remind the witness to simply 
answer yes or no?" 


This stuff with his daughter, his ex- 
wife, the guy out on the seiner and what- 
ever he's been up to with the girl, it's 
definitely getting to Roberto. It's a hell 
ofathing to take advantage of, but, push 
comes to shove, a woman's got to look 
after herself, and Roberto is absolutely 
right in any case: There is no way to stop 
that young thing now. Nobody knows 
that any better than Darlene does. She 
counts out four dollars worth of wire 
nuts. "I'm in." 

Possum sees Roberto's raise without 
comment for once, as do Billy and 
Walter. 

“Pot's right again." Possum wipes his 
forehead. 'There is a huge mound of the 
red wire connectors in the middle of the 
table and still two cards to go—one up, 
one down. [ust as he's about to deal the 
next up card, Darlene says, "My second 
husband, James, picked all my music, 
made me practice my numbers till I 
ached in the worst places from those 
deep bends." She directs that at Billy, but 
she can almost hear the gears grinding 
in every brain at the table. the fluids 
backing up in other regions of their bod- 
ies. “James was very involved. Used to 
dress me up for my act and everything.” 

Possum throws the card so hard it flies 
past Billy and flutters off the table. 

"Your husband?" Walter says as Billy 
fumbles around on the floor for his card. 
He takes off his cap and looks at it. He 
seems to consider the words OTIS ELEVA- 
TOR for a moment before replacing it on 
his head. “Your own husband dressed 
you to strip?" 

"Oh yeah. He was always there when I 
performed too, except at special private 
functions at the hotels. If 1 was slack, or 
didn't look like I really wanted to be 
there, he'd mark me down. Then, when 
we got home he'd punish me." It's her 
turn to roll her eyes, like she's a little em- 
barrassed to be talking about such per- 
sonal matters. 

She mixes another tequila antifreeze 
while she lets them try to imagine what 
sort of punishments a man would have 
to cook up for a woman who did naked 
squat thrusts for a living. Roberto clears 
his throat and looks away. Billy and Wal- 
ter lift their beers to their lips, sip and 
then lower the cans again in unison so 
perfect it looks like a move they've been 
rehearsing for months. Possum deals the 
rest of the round, sets the deck down 
and reaches under the table with both 
hands to adjust the crotch of his pants. 

Billy is now showing two sixes, a jack 
and an ace. Walter has a pair of nines 
with a five and the last ace in the deck. 
Roberto caught a ten and so has four to 
the open-ended straight on board, king 
high. Darlene has the queen, the four 
and, to her utter amazement, two sevens 
showing now to match the two she has in 
the hole. Possum gets a six to go with his 
three aces, no help. He bets two bucks 
anyway, but with all the aces accounted 


for, it's clear his heart isn't in it. Still, 
deuces are wild and he's got the only one 
showing. Billy and Walter call. 

Roberto apparently has the straight 
and is hoping to blast out anyone he can 
bcfore they catch a full house. "See your 
two and raise two more," he says. He 
puts his last eight wire nuts and two 
damp dollar bills into the pot. 

"God, this is fun! I feel like dancing," 
Darlene says. Four pairs of eyes snap ир. 
“I really do. I wish we had some music. 
Anyway, ГЇЇ see Roberto's raise and raise 
again." She puts in her six dollars’ worth. 

Possum squirms, but Darlene knows 
there's no way he's going to fold three 
aces at this point. It's a matter of pride. 
Balls, as they say in the kitchen. He runs 
his hand over the stubble field of his 
throat, drops it to his lap and tugs on 
himself. He calls the two raises. Billy and 
Walter fold out. Darlene offers them a 
look of pure sympathy, as though not 
having cards is an affliction they've all 
struggled with at one time or another, 
and she wishes she could just take them 
in her arms and hold them to her breast 
to comfort them. Roberto calls her raise 
with a sigh. The pot is right again. 

“Here we go,” Possum says. He deals 
the last cards facedown. One to Roberto, 
then Darlene, then himself. He looks at 
his card quickly and she watches his face 
light up. “Two bucks," he says. "Rober- 
to? You want to raise me now, ol' bud- 
dy?" He's wearing a smirk you could 
park a truck in. 

Anyone with eyes can see he caught 
some power on the last card: Either he 
paired something up to make a full 
house, or he got another wild deuce and 
now has four aces. Darlene feels Roberto 
watching her on her right as he thinks 
about his move. She picks at the corner 
of the card Possum just dealt her, but she 
doesn't look under it. Instead, she re- 
moves her earrings, her necklace and 
her watch and puts them all in a pile 
next to her chips. 

Roberto shakes his head. "Dealer just 
got something good. Woman don't even 
need to look at her last card. What am 1 
doing in this hand?” He turns his cards 
over and throws them into the middle of 
the table, muttering something in his di- 
alect that it's probably just as well no one 
at the table can understand. 

“Just you and me,” Possum says. "Isn't 
it romantic?" 

"Two bucks," she says. 

"And two more back at you." Possum 
dumps more wire nuts on the pile before 
she's even finished sliding hers in. His 
hand brushes the top of hers over the 
pot. "OK, now tell us about your danc- 
ing," he says. "Come on, distract us. Dis- 
tract me." 

She looks right into his pink eyes and 
says, "I was working a private party at 
the Hilton one Halloween, convention- 
eers. Га given the bellhops a cut to set it 
up for me. These were computer guys of 


WIRED 
Pages 16-17: “Smart VCRs”: 
VCR by Panasonic, 201-348- 
9090. “Tax Byte": Tax soft- 
ware: By H&R Block Finan- 
cial Software, 800-537-9993. 
“Wild Things": Mouse by 
Logitech, 800-231-7717. 
Teleport by Sharp, 800-BE- 
SHARP. “Multimedia Re- 
views & News”: Software: 
By Microsoft, 800-426-9400. 
By Viacom New Media, 800- 
469-2539. By Ahead, 800- 
URA-STAR. By Kitty Hawk 
Software, 800-777-5745. 


STYLE 
Page 20: “Nerd Alert": Shirts: By CK 
Calvin Klein, at Bloomingdale's nation- 
wide. By John Bartlett, at Charivari 57, 18 
W. 57th St., NYC, 212-333-4040. By Mossi- 
то, at Macy's and Dillard's nationwide. By 
Todd Killian, at Bergdorf Goodman Men, 
745 Fifth Ave., NYC, 212-753-7300. Pants 
and sweater by Matthew Batanian, at 
Bloomingdale's. Sneakers by Vans, 714- 
974-7414. "Big Holdup": Suspenders: By 
Edgar Pomeroy, at Edgar Pomeroy, 2985 
Piedmont Rd., Atlanta, 404-365-0405. By 
Crookhorn Davis, at Boyd's, 1818 Chestnut. 
St., Philadelphia, 215-564-9000. By J.O.E. 
by Joseph Abboud, at Joseph Abboud, 37 
Newbury St, Boston, 617-266-4200. By 
Cole-Haan, at Cole-Haan, NYC, Chicago 
and Beverly Hills. “Hot Shopping: Seat- 
tle”: Crescent Doumworks, 206-329-9248. 
Rudy's, 206-329-3008. Righteous Rags, 206- 
329-7847. Vintage Voola, 206-324-2808. 
Pistil Books & News, 206-325-5401. Moe's 
Мотсп Cafe, 906-323-2373. "Clothes 
Line”: Jeans by Wrangler, 910-332-3564. 
Boots by Justin, 800-358-7846. Jacket by 
Pendleton, 800-760-4844, Tuxedo by Ron 
Ross, at Ron Ross, 12930 Ventura Blvd., 
Studio City, CA, 818-788-8700. Boots by 
Rocky Carroll of Houston, 713-682-1650. 
“Star Hair”: Hairstyling gels: By Vidal 
Sassoon, 212-229-2200. By New Western 
Pleasure, 800-547-0995. By Kiehl's, 800-543- 
4571. By Geo. E Trumper, 800-685-4385. 


TRAVEL 

Page 24: Traveler's kit by Swiss Army 
Brands Lid., 800-442-2706. Locating de- 
vice by Tec-Air, 800-533-4289. 


FASHION FORECAST 

Page 78: Suit by Joop, at select Saks Fifth 
Avenue and Barneys New York. Tie by 
Robert Talbott, at Robert Talbott nation- 
wide. Page 79: Jacket and pants by Paul 


Smith, at Paul Smith, 108 
Fifth Ave., NYC, 212-627- 
9770. Shirt by Victor Victo- 
ria, at Ultimo, 114 E. Oak, 
Chicago, 312-787-0906. 
Tie by Joop. at select Saks 
and Barneys New York. 
Page 80: Jacket and 
trousers by Calvin Klein, at 
Calvin Klein nationwide. 
Shirt by Paul Smith. at Paul 
Smith, 108 Fifth Ave., NYC, 
212-627-9770. Tie by Joop, 
at select Saks and Barneys 
New York. Page 81: Sports 
jacket by Donna Karan, at Saks nationwide. 
Shirt by Donna Karan, at Bergdorf Good- 
man Men, 745 Fifth Ave., NYC, 212-753- 
7300. Trousers by Boss-Hugo Boss, at 
Charivari 57, 212-333-4040. Tie by Robert. 
Talbot, at Robert Talbott nationwide. 
Shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo, ax Salvatore. 
Ferragamo, NYC, Palm Beach, San Diego 
and Beverly Hills. Page 82: Jacket by Vic- 
tor Victoria, at Ultimo, 312-787-0906. 
Pants by DKNY, at Macy's nationwide. 
Belt by Colours by Alexander Julian, at ma- 
jor department stores. Page 83: Suit by 
Boss-Hugo Boss, at Saks, 611 Fifth Ave., 
NYC, 212-753-4000. Shirt by Joop, at 
Louis, Boston, 234 Berkeley St., Boston, 
800-225-5135. Tie by Gene Meyer, at 
Bergdorf Goodman Men, 745 Fifth Ave., 
NYC, 219-753-7300. Belt by Colours by 
Alexander Julian, at major department 
stores. Page 84: Sunglasses from Paul 
Smith Spectacles by Oliver Peoples, at Paul 
Smith, 212-627-9770. Shirt by John 
Ватйей, at Springers, 39 Newtown Lane, 
East Hampton, NY, 516-324-8840. T-shirt 
by Polo by Ralph Lauren, at Polo Sport, 888 
Madison Ave., NYC, 212-434-8000. Pants 
by Joop, at select Saks and Barneys New 
York. Belt by Prada, at Charivari 57, 212- 
333-4040. Page 85: Jacket, pants and T- 
shirt by Double RL by Ralph Lauren, at Polo 
Sport, 212-434-8000. Shirt and sweater by 
Polo by Ralph Lauren, at Polo Sport, 212- 
434-8000. 


POCKET ADDITIONS 
Pages 118-119: Elements, 102 E. Oak, 
Chicago, 312-642-6574. Greenes Lug- 
gage, 900 N. Michigan, Chicago, 312-043- 
5777. JoLon, 800-355-2898. Georg 
Jensen, 959 N. Michigan, Chicago, 312- 
642-9160. Nichols Co., PO. Box 473, 
Woodstock, VT, 802-457-3970. Sulla, 55 
E. Oak, Chicago, 312-951-9500. Glasses 
Lid., 900 N. Michigan, 312-944-6874. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 157: Sony, 800-222-SONY. 


CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY ву, г з PATTY BEAUDER JONATHAN BECHER MARION ETTUNGER, CHUCK GALLYON. ANDREW 


BY PLUME, AN IMPRINT OF BUTTON SIGNET- A DIVISION OF PENGUIM BOOKS USA INC. P 87 “LESLIE MELSEN'S STUPID 
LITTLE GOLF BOOK™ © 1993 BY LESLIE NIELSEN AND HENRY BEARC. 


155 


ttÀ4&TROY 


156 


some sort, very straight looking, math 
teacher haircuts and white short-sleeved 
shirts. I wore my cat costume, a real 
killer. 1 was down to my whiskers and 
G-string, on all fours on top of the coffee 
table, meowing and making them bark 
at me. I had them howling like farm 
dogs. But I misread them. Some clown 
pulled the light switch and said, Let's 
see if pussy can see in the dark." 

“When the lights went on, they had 
my hands tied behind my back and my 
G-string stuffed in my mouth. They bent 
me over the arm of the couch and 
smashed some seat cushions over my 
head to keep me quiet. Then they just 
held my legs and took turns at me. 
‘There were a lot of them and some were 
really drunk, so it went on for a long 
time, and they had fun with it too, pour- 
ing drinks on me, poking around with 
ice cubes. When they were more or less 
finished, one wise guy stuck a maraschi- 
no cherry inside me and said, ‘There, 
good as new.’ It took a very long time. 
Did I say that?” 

Darlene keeps her eyes stitched to Pos- 
sum's. He's frozen in place, one hand on 
his cards, the other in his lap. She can 
sense Billy, Walter and Roberto in the 
periphery, can feel their eyes on her. 

“They left me like that, and when 1 
finally managed to stand upright, the 
room was empty except for one really 
drunk slob sitting on the floor between 
my legs with his back against the couch. 
He was asleep with one arm around each 
of my ankles, holding on to my heels, his 
head jammed between my thighs. I 
Kicked him awake and got him to untie 
my hands, but I was too tired and sore to 


do any of the things to him I now wish I 
had. So anyway, what do you say, Pos- 
sum? Shall we raise the stakes? 1 mean 
now that it's just you and me?" 

It takes Possum a moment to snap out 
of it and realize she's talking about the 
game again now, that the story is actual- 
ly over. He swallows hard and croaks, 
“What have you got in mind?” 

Darlene fishes two twenties out of the 
front pocket of her jeans. She irons them 
out on the table with her fingers and sets 
her last four wire nuts and her jewelry 
and watch on top of them. She pushes it 
all into the pot. "Call it a hundred bucks, 
and I'm all in. You up to that? It's all I 
have to bet." 

She yawns like she's unconcerned 
about the bet, throwing her shoulders 
back to work out a kink in her spine. 
With her elbows nearly straight behind 
her, her blouse barely contains her 
breasts. Possum is looking at her like she 
just offered him something altogether 
different, like he's about to lunge across 
the table for her. She glances at the oth- 
ers. Billy and Walter are actually sweat- 
ing; their foreheads are beaded with 
droplets. Roberto wipes the palms of his 
hands up and down his pants legs, then 
does it again. 

Possum reaches into the pot and ex- 
tracts her earrings. He slides them over 
to Darlene with a grin. "Wouldn't want 
you to go naked," he says. "But I'll cover 
the hundred." He licks three fingers and 
reaches into his shirt pocket for a roll of 
bills. He counts out the money and holds 
it over the pile. His hands are trembling. 

“Call.” he says, dropping the bills. He 
turns his hole cards faceup and shows 


“Pm ready now for coffee and a studmuffin." 


the wild deuce he caught on the last card 
that gives him four aces. He's blinking 
more rapidly than Darlene would guess 
was possible. One knee is going up and 
down even faster. 

She arranges her four natural sevens 
side by side on the table and then, almost 
as an afterthought, turns her last card 
faceup. It's the two of spades. Possum 
springs up out of his little chair so fast it 
falls over and shoots halfway across the 
floor. His face is a shade of red you'd 
want to see a doctor about. 

"Five sevens!" Roberto says. "Five!" 
It's the first time he's raised his voice all 
night, and his accent has disappeared. "I 
don't believe it! She didn't even look at 
the last card!" Possum slumps over the 
table, knuckles pressed into the Formica 
top, his mouth hanging open as Darlene 
reaches out with both hands and crushes 
the pot against her breasts. Billy and 
Walter find their voices and start hooting 
about the odds against two players catch- 
ing a wild card on the end, the insane 
way that she bet it. They are both hum- 
bled and deeply in love. Possum stands, 
looming over the table, incredulous. Af- 
ter a moment he collects his chair and 
lowers himself into it. "You win the deal 
100," he says, pushing the cards her way. 
He won't even look at her. 

She elbows the big pile of wire nuts 
and bills aside to make room for the 
cards. As she stacks and shuffles them, 
she wonders which will bring her more 
pleasure: telling him that he is such an 
oaf that he flashed that two of spades as 
he dealt it to her, or letting him believe— 
letting them all believe—that she pushed 
the bet like that without really knowing 
she had the five sevens. Its a tough 
choice. 

"And let's keep the table talk to a 
minimum," Possum says. "No more sto- 
ries, huh?" 

"Sure, Possum. Whatever you say." 
She winks at the others. 

She finishes the shuffle and offers the 
deck to Roberto, who declines to cut. 
She prepares to deal. 

"So what's it going to be now?" Billy 
asks her. 

Darlene pretends to ponder the possi- 
bilities. But there's really no question in 
her mind. She feels great, and if Possum 
doesn't want her telling any morc sto- 
ries, that's fine with her. She doubts she 
could make up another one quite that 
good anyway. A maraschino cherry? 
Where in the hell had that come from? 

“Well?” Possum says. "Come on, name 
iL" He is furious, absolutely quivering 
all over. 

Hey, better him than her. 

"Ante up," she says finally. She undoes 
one button on her blouse, tosses her hair 
and starts dealing the cards around the 
table. “Same game," she says. "Follow 


the Bitch." 
El 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


-/ZPLAY BOY 3 


MAGIC IN THE AIR 


et past the cute graphics on Sony's Magic Link and 
you'll realize that this personal communicator is one 
smart tool for staying organized and in touch on the 
road. Based on Ceneral Magic's software, Magic Cap, 
the handheld Magic Link combines functions of a personal com- 
puter, fax machine and pager. By tapping on icons with a stylus, 


you can update your schedule or list of contacts, for example, 
or fire off e-mail to friends on America Online or the Internet. 
Need to send a fax? Magic Link can do that complete with graph- 
ics, animation and audio. You can even track your expenses 
with Pocket Quicken Smart Wallet, financial software (pictured be- 
low left) that looks like a billfold and empties like the real thing 


Sony's 1.2-pound PIC-1000 Magic Link personal communicator, $995, features a 4.5" by 3" LCD touch screen, a fax-modem and a PCMCIA card 
slot, plus an optional extended-life battery, $70, that recharges using an AC adapter. Pictured on the Magic Link screen is the Magic Cap desk- 
top with icons representing your schedule, mailbox and more. The insets (left to right) show examples of Intuit's Pocket Quicken Smart Wal- 
let, a fax postcard, gateways to AT&T Persona Link and America Online and a contacts notecard with icons for home, work and fax numbers. 


Where & How to Виу on page 155 


GRAPEVINE 


Clip Job 
Not even a head full of curlers can detract from CINDY CRAW- 

FORD's little black dress. Look for Cindy on MTV's House of Style 
and in her first movie, Fair Game, co-starring William Bald- 
win. Don't look for Cindy to explain her 
fashion statements. 


Balladeer Buckley 
You can catch singer JEFF BUCKLEY on a club tour, 
and you should. His first album, Grace, got the 
critics buzzing, and a second one will be out by 
the end of the year. Much has been made oí his 
being Tim's son, but Jeff’s soaring solo. 


Я 
ГА 
E 

á 


California Girl 


Model RUTH KIBLER is just starting out. You can see more of her in the 
Hot Body video. She has toured South Korea їп a fashion show and made glamour 
videos in southern California. It’s enough to make beachboys proud. 


158 


Tasty Casey 
You've seen CASEY GRAY on Baywatch, in a TV com- 
mercial for a workout glove and in 
Swimwear Illustrated. 
Here's Casey in all her 
sexy glory. 


Why We . 
Love Tennis 
We couldn't resist these shots of 
actress NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN at the 

Chris Evert/Ellesse Pro-Celebrity Tennis Classic 
last year. It's hard to keep your eye on the ball when 
your underwear is giving you fits. Ask Nicollette. 


Trained P. 

It's the Ue а 

RAMONES’ 2151 \ «i ы?” | 
anniversary, and nw A 

JOEY is getting an X mE | 


early start on 
the celebra- 
tion. The band 
is working on an 
album to be released 
soon, then a tour. 
Not bad for a group 
of guys who hang out 
in bathrooms. 


Fetching Stretching 
Actress and model ELAINE COLLINS gets a ten in the floor exercise. You've 
caught her on Tales From the Crypt, on MTV in a Poison video and on An- 
heuser-Busch posters and promotions. We'll drink to that. 


THESE BUDS ARE 
FOR YOU 


Candy is dandy and liquor 
is quicker, but if you really 
want to woo and wow the 
woman of your dreams, 
send her a lingerie bou- 
quct. Inside the 30" gold 
floral box are items of sexy 
apparel that have been 
hand-rolled to resemble 
flowers. For $69, you get a 
bra, pantie, garter belt, 
stockings and gloves in a 
matching set (sizes: small, 
medium and large). 
There's also a Bridal Bou- 
quet for $55 (bra, pantie, 
garter belt, a wedding 
garter and stockings in 
white lace with white satin 
roses) and, yes, a $35 Wild 
Flower Bouquet for Men 
composed of six cotton 
bikini briefs. To order, call 
the Lingerie Bouquet Co 
in Stuart, Florida at 800- 
386-3431. And while 
you're on the phone, ask 
about some of the other 
seasonal bouquets for men 
and women. 


№ 


UP, UP AND AWAY! 


Everyone has heard of the Mile High Club, but now Mile High Adven- 
tures in Santa Monica, California has made membership in that exdu- 
sive organization even easier. For $279, it offers a one-hour night flight 
for two over Los Angeles aboard a twin-engine plane with a feather bed 
and romantic music in a soundproof compartment. Chocolate-covered 
strawberries and a bottle of champagne are thrown in to sweeten the 
mood. Once back on earth, you receive a certificate commemorating 
your flight, signed by the captain and first officer. (You take off and 
land at Santa Monica Airport.) То book a reservation, call Mile High 
Adventures at 310-450-4447. And if you're really in love, the company 
160 offers gourmet dinner flights for $499 and $799. 


POTPOURRI 


JACKETS TAKE OFF 


American Flight Jackets, Airmen & Aircraft, 
a 248-page cofice-table book by Jon 
Maguire and John Conway, captures in 
more than 1000 pictures "a history of 
US. flier jackets from World War One to 
Desert Storm." The jackets were adorned 
with everything from Little Lulu to sexy 
sky babes such as the 15th Air Force's 
Miss Laid. Order a copy for $63 from 
Schiffer Publishing at 610-593-1777. 


CARDIN TO GO 


So you haven't stayed at the Ritz, the 
Chatham or the Majestic in Paris, or at 
any of the other hotels imprinted on this 
cotton canvas duffel. The price for your 
hand luggage is right—free. Yes, 
vagabonds, with a $23 minimum pur- 
chase from the men's Pierre Cardin Fra- 
grance Collection in department stores 
nationwide, you get the bag pictured 
here. And you'll smell good, too. 


TOUCANO SPREADS 
ITS WINGS 


Half the fun of Rum Toucano 
Cachaca is the bottle. The 
rest is its taste. (Toucano is 
made from the first pure 
crush of the sugarcane, not a 
molasses by-product. Then 
it’s aged for two years.) And 
when you buy a bottle of this 
80-proof Brazilian liqueur for 
about $16 a liter, a portion of 
the sale goes to replanting 
rain forests. If you can't find 
the spirit, order a Toucano 
caiparinha cocktail the next 
time you're at the Rainbow 
Room in Manhattan. 


YOU LITTLE SNITCH 


Got a pad full of goodies but don't want to drop big bucks on a 
complicated security system? Check out the Snitch, "the world's 
first and only totally self-contained 360-degree passive infrared 
motion detector.” For $249 you get a base console, a motion de- 
tector and a key-chain remote control. It all works on the same 
industry standard used to protect banks, museums and the White 
House. For more info or to order, call 800-3-swrrcH. 


RAISING CANE, 
AMERICAN STYLE 


From Thomas Jefferson's 
gold-headed cane to the rub- 
ber-horned one Harpo Marx 
tooted in lieu of talking, 
Canes in the United States, by 
Catherine Dike, is a 398-page 
hardcover homage to Ameri- 
can walking sticks. And if one 
picture is worth 1000 words, 
then nearly 1000 photos of 
canes assembled from private 
collections and other sources 
create a library of information 
on the subject. Order a copy 
for $97.50 from Cane Curi- 
osa Press, 250 Dielman Road, 
Ladue, Missouri 63124. 


THE SMELL OF SEXCESS 


English pop artist Allen Jones isn't content with 
limiting his erotic fantasies to paper. Now he 
has created Shocking Shining Sparkling, a lim- 
ited-edition cast aluminum shoe-and-stocking 
cap that tops a bottle filled with 3.4 ounces of a 
sexy-smelling women's perfume. And when the 
contents are gone, you know that the signed- 
and-numbered bottle is going to be a collector's 
item. Price: $240 sent to Venekamp & Co., 100 
Riverside Drive, Suite 9A, New York 10024. 


COMING CLEAN 


Good Enuff Entertainment's 30-minute Sexy 
Housekeeping video offers the best of two 
worlds—three attractive women teach you the 
finer points of spring cleaning, and they do it 
wearing next to nothing. Vacuuming, bed-mak- 
ing, dusting, general straightening-up and 
dishwashing don't get any better than this. The 
price: $22.95 from Good Enuff at 3463 State 
Street, Suite 177, Santa Barbara, California 
93105. Or call 800-315-8821 and put the tape 
on plastic if company's coming. 


162 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


WE DREAM OF JEANIE—A KNOCKOUT PICTORIAL OF 
JEANIE BUSS, HEIRESS APPARENT OF THE FABLED AND 
RESURGENT LOS ANGELES LAKERS. 


QUICKSAND—AD MAGIC, THE DIRECT-MAIL MARKETING 
GENIUS, IS SICK AS A DOG IN AFRICA, AND THE ONLY 
DOCTOR ON HAND I$ A GORGEOUS BLONDE FROM DEN- 
MARK—FICTION BY THOM JONES 


PLAYBOY'S 1995 MUSIC POLL—STEVEN TYLER, THOSE 
VOODOOING STONES, AEROSMITH AND MTV'S DAISY 
FUENTES TOP THE BIG MUSIC MOMENTS OF THE YEAR 


CAMILLE PAGLIA—THE NEOFEMINIST MEN LOVE TO 
QUOTE—AND WOMEN WANT TO MUZZLE—SOUNDS OFF 
ON CHIVALRY, LUST AND CHASTITY IN A RAUCOUS 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY DAVID SHEFF 


DAVID HASSELHOFF—BAYWATCH'S RESIDENT HUNK 
MAKES WORK LOOK LIKE A DAY AT THE BEACH. DAVID 
RENSIN PUTS HIM THROUGH THE PACES ABOUT SPIN- 
OFFS, PRIVACY AND HIS BEACHCOMBING CO-STARS IN 
20 QUESTIONS 


ELMORE LEONARD -THE KING OF CRIME AND SULTAN 
OF SUSPENSE LOVES A GOOD STORY. THE ONE ABOUT 


HIS RISE FROM COPYWRITER TO AUTHOR OF THE BEST- 
SELLING MYSTERIES GLITZ, FREAKY DEAKY AND KILLSHOT 
15 ADOOZY. PROFILE BY LAWRENCE GROBEL 


DOIN’ THE RESURRECTION SHUFFLE—TONY BENNETT 
ON MTV? JOHNNY CASH AT THE VIPER ROOM? HOW DID 
THEY DO IT? TOM JONES SHOWS US THE WAY BACK TO 
THE TOP OF THE CHARTS. BY STEVE POND 


HEROIN CHIC—SEDUCED BY THE JUNKIE LIFESTYLE 
GLAMCRIZED IN MUSIC, MOVIES AND FASHION, HOLLY- 
WOOD TRENDOIDS ARE SNORTING AND SMOKING THE 
DEMON H. A DISTURBING REPORT FROM MARK EHRMAN 


NANCY SINATRA—WITH HER MULTIMEDIA COMEBACK 
REACHING WARP SPEED. WE OFFER A TERRIFIC PICTORI- 
AL FEATURING ONE OF THE HOTTEST LADIES WALKIN’ 


SPRING TUNE-UP—AGE-OLD WISDOM AND NEW AGE AD- 
MCE FOR GETTING BACK IN SHAPE FOR SPORTS FROM 
WINDSURFING TO BIKING TO GOLF 


PLUS: MORTAL KOMBAT'S CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT 
DRESSED IN SINGULAR FASHION, DIGITAL ANSWERING 
MACHINES AND FINE CIGARS AND THEIR ACCESSORIES 


RIR © 1005 Mar Brewing Co. Mies Wi 


Y 


THIS FISH IS IN. 


ICE BREWED FOR THE TASTE THAT GOES ALL OUT WHEN YOU LE our. THE NIGHT IS YOUNG | @ Е 


© Philip Moris Inc. 1995 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


16 mg "tar; 11 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


f і nm. 


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