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ENTERTAINMENT FOF 


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PLUS: ANAIS NIN 
j dx E O'BRIEN 
 HAROLI ROBBINS 
A FABULOUS 
* REVIEW OF THE 
THE NBA'S Ж PAST DOZEN 
BADDEST BOY _ PLAYMATES 


DENNIS Ge, 


VOTE IN 

THE 1996 
PLAYBOY 
MUSIC POLL 


A TUMULTUOUS 
YEAR IN SEX 


300955 


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YOUR NEIGHBORS do it. Coeds do it. Even foreigners abroad do 
it. They watch Baywatch, the show that has transformed the 
planet into a global beach club. To grasp its allure, one need 
go no further than Pamela Anderson Lee, who, as C.J., possesses 
two of the show's primary ingredients: beauty and athleticism. 
Check out The Power of Pamela. In It's a Baywatch World, our two 
favorite channel surfers from the shores of Lake Michigan, 
Brendan Baber and Eric Spitznagel, describe the formulas that 
have made the show bigger than, well, the Beatles. It has todo 
with how Americans run along the beach in slow motion, beat 
up sharks and stare pensively at the ocean. Nina Berkson drew 
the art. 

Then we jump into the Depp end of the pool. Johnny Depp 
has built a Stellar career by playing such weirdos as Edward 
Scissorhands and Ed Wood. Offscreen, he is a grungy sex 
symbol who co-owns a wild club, romances serious babes and 
never loses his cool—even while throwing a fit in a New York 
City hotel. Read the remarkably personal Interview with Kevin 
Cook. Dennis Rodman is truly the brother from another planet. 
Before the NBA's best rebounder moved to Chicago, Mark Seal 
followed him around Dallas’ gay district, watched him get two 
tattoos and heard about his pierced scrotum. The photos for 
The Bad Boy of Basketball were shot by Harry Benson. ЕНЕСІ 

Speaking of hardwood, Playboy's College Basketball Preview, 
by our Һсорв-һарру Sports Editor Gary Cole, will prepare you 
for March madness. Cole even picked the 64 teams that will 
make the NCAA postseason tournament—so you don't have 
to. This month we've also included three year-end wrap-ups: 
Send in your swing votes for the Jazz & Rock Poll, vote again 
(and often) in our Playmate Review and suspend your belief for 
an incredible Yar in Sex. Remember? Everybody who was any- 
body got nabbed, from Calvin Klein to Hugh Grant to Barbie. 

Wild sex news, part deux: The Dick Clinic is the firsthand ac- т 
count of a new impotence treatment by upright D. Keith Mano, SCIACCA 
a man who beat off the perils of a never-ending hard-on. 
Thomas Sciacca did the towering artwork. 

For a more sensual take on sex, turn to our fiction. Recent- 
ly, a slim volume surfaced in England that contains long-lost 
stories by erotica pioneer Anais Nin. From that collection (reis- 
sued as White Stains by Anais Nin and friends [Delectus 
Books]), we're proud to present Alice, a bawdy tale of a four- 
way tryst. We also looked to foreign shores—Belgium—for the 
story's illustrator, Benoit. In a way, best-selling author Harold 
Robbins carries on the tradition of Henry Miller and Nin. Rob- 
bins' excerpt from 7he Stallion (Simon & Schuster's sequel to 
The Betsy) pumps life into a series of high-octane seductions by 
an Italian American automaker. The art is by Mel Odom. 

Though overshadowed by her boss Howard Stern, Robin 
Quivers is one sharp woman. Last year, she exercised her free- 
dom with a frank autobiography—and breast-reduction 
surgery. Now she pushes the envelope further in a 20 Ques- ROBBINS 
tions with Warren Kalbocker, in which she jumps on Linda Ron- 
stadt and describes the perfect bubble bath. Bubbly? Hey, it's 
New Year's! And since Conan O'Brien no longer is sweating a 
contract renewal, he sar down with New York writer Brooke 
Comer to work out Conan O'Brien's New Year's Resolutions (the 
artwork is by Anita Kunz). In his future: a scandal and a pan 
flute. As always, the Mafia gets the last laugh. In Axioms of the 
Mafa Manager by V (an excerpt from the book The Mafia Man- 
ager [St. Martin's Press]) you'll find irrefutable rules to live or 
die by. As your pulse fades, save a beat or two for Playmate Vic- 
torio Fuller, this month's Art Throb. As an artist, she's always 
thinking of new ways to use her oil paints. 


COMER 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), January 1996, volume 43, number 1. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-class postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmas- 
ter: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com. 3 


" 


fe is for enjoying 


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pestem Comion Company Шем. 21-50% Ак. ty Volume, Louie, KY 01994 " 


Take it easy. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 43, no. 1—january 1996 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
3 
9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. 13 
MUSIC. 17 
WIRED . 20 
STYLE . Ре ЕЕ 2 
MOVIES 5 „BRUCE WILLIAMSON 24 
VIDEO ... dit 28 
BOOKS. .DIGBY DIEHL 
MEN ... ASA BABER 


CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


32 
33 

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. 35 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM ...... 37 
REPORTER'S МОТЕВООК--орі .ROBERTSCHEER 47 
49 

62 

66 

78 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JOHNNY DEPP—candid conversation ...... - 
THE STALLION—fiction. ea- saa nn aean aede e HAROLD ROBBINS 


POWER OF PAMELA—pictorial . 
BAYWATCH WORLD—<ulture studies. ... BRENDAN BABER and ERIC SPITZNAGEL 


THE DICK CLINIC—article 0002252... ........D. KEITH MANO 84 
THE PLAYBOY LOOK—foshion ..HOLLIS WAYNE 86 
ROMANCING THE NEW YEAR—modern living -JOHN OLDCASTLE 92 


PLAYBOY GALLERY: JENNY MCCARTHY. . . 95 
BAD BOY OF BASKETBALL—playboy profile 98 
AXIOMS OF THE MAFIA MANAGER—cdvice. .. . 103 
ART THROB—ployboy's playmate of the month 106 
PARTY JOKES—humor 18 
ALICE—fiction 120 
ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA—modern living 123 
CONAN O'BRIEN'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS—humor 126 
PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW—sports . . 129 
THE YEAR IN SEX—pictorial 134 
AUTOSTEREOGRAM: LET THE FEMLINS HELP YOU FIND THE RABBIT . 143 
20 QUESTIONS: ROBIN QUIVERS 144 
PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW—pictorial. . 148 
PLAYBOY JAZZ 8. ROCK POLL . 166 

179 

197 


COVER STORY 

Jomes Brown is the hardest-working man in show business. On our cover this 
month is Miss February 1990, known to the world as the hardest-working 
womon in the bikini-stuffing business. It’s no wonder Pamela Anderson's mar- 
riage to Tommy Lee has made a billion men jealous. We attribute it to the Pow- 
er of Pamela. Thanks to Stephen Wayda for shooting our sexy cover. Our Rob- 
bit, fickle as ever, was overheard muttering, “Hare today, gone tomorrow.” 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY. 890 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE. CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 40011. PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY TO RETURN UNSOLICITED EDITORIAL OF GRAPHIC OR OTHER MATERIAL 


PENDIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACIÓN, MÉXICO 


SERVA DE TITULO EN TRÁMITE 
PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


PLAYBOY 


ELEVEN OF THE GREATEST 
FROM ONE OF THE GREATS. 


The eagerly 
anticipated 
collection of 11 
legendary songs 
"from one of the 
reatest guitarists 
all time. Includes Includes в bonus videa ciip 
the best, plus a of the classic "Lite Wing“ 
ljously unreleased қалысады = 


ion of “Taxman. olê Sry мені rere eam com == 


The Playboy Varsity Jacket 
Vintage Playboy! 


This definitive Playboy jacket sports 
classic styling that recalls the 
1950s—the era that saw Playboy 
magazine's historical first issue. 
Now you can relive that 

exciting time with this 

striking wool and leather 

varsity jacket that’s built to 

last. Red and cream 

же chenille “Playboy” and 
Rabbit Head patches are 

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chenille patch in cream sewn on left 
chest with embroidered black 
Rabbit Head. 70% wool and 


30% nylon body. 100% 

lambskin sleeves. Quilted 

nylon lining. Knit collar, cuffs 

$180 and sleeves. Tivo outside 
Item #BR4539 pockets, one inside. Front snap 
closure. Dry clean. Black. USA. 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 

IN BUCKLEY executive editor 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; FICTION: 
ALICE к. TURNER edilor; FORUM: JAMES R. PE 
"TERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE assistant 
editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edi- 
tor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; STAFF: BRUCE 
KLUGER, CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO. BARBARA NEL- 
us associate editors; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant editor; 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH edilor; ARIAN BUSHMAN 
assistant editor; ANNE SHERMAN copy associate; 
CAROLYN BROWNE senior researcher; LEE BRAUER. 
REMA SMITH, SARI WILSON researchers; CON- 
TRIBUTING EDITORS: A54 BABER. KEVIN COOK. 
GRETCHEN EDGREN. LAWRENCE GROREI KEN GROSS 
(automotive), CYNTHIA HEIMEL. WILLIAM HEL 
MER, WARREN KALBACKER. D. KEITH MANO, JOE 
MORGENSTERN. REG POTTERTON. DAVID RENSIN 
DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, MORGAN STRONG, 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) 


ART 

кеміс rore managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHET suski, LEN WIKIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
FORJENEK associate director; ANN SEIL supervi- 
sor, keyline/pasteup: PAUL CHAN, RICKIE THOMAS 
art assistants 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR- 
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET associate editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT. 
BETH MULLINS assistant editors; DAVID CHAN. 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG. RICHARD 1201. 
DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR. 
STEPHEN wavpA contributing photographers: 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; Тім HAWKINS manager, 
photo archive 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI. TOM SIMONEK associate managers 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY А DJERF newsstand sales director; vivus 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
клкозмттг communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ERNIE RENZULU advertising director; JUDY BERK 
owrrz national projects director; кім L- PINTO 
sales director, eastern region: IRV KORNBLAU mar- 
keting director; LISA NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM. NIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER- 
RONES rights & permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER Chairman, chief execulive officer 


The International Wildlife 

Coalition presents its first-ever collector 

plate by award-winning wildlife artist Cassandra Graham. 
Tn the field of wildlife art, Cassandra Graham knows 


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Silver plated link chain featuring the 
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Illinois 60143-0809. 


There is a $5.95 shipping and handling charge 
per total order Minois residents include 
6.75% sales tax. Canadian residents please 
include an additional $3.00 per order. Sony, 
no other foreign orders or currency accepted. 


1995 Piro 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINDIS 50611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBDYCOM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YDUR DAYTINE PHONE NUMBER: 


SNOOP SCOOP 
Like many white, upper-middle-class 
Americans, | figured Snoop Doggy Dogg 
(Playboy Interview, October) was just an 
idiot from the ghetto who lucked into a 
record deal. After reading the interview, 
I realized I would probably never un- 
derstand where he comes from, but at 
least I can respect what he and others 
have gone through just to stay alive. I 
will no longer snicker when I hear 
Snoop. I'll play him loud and proud. 
Jimmy Ryser 
jryser@indiana.edu 
Bloomington, Indiana 


You guys really blew it with your 
Snoop Doggy Dogg interview. I don't 
understand how a talentless lowlife can 
be an object of your attention. What is so 
important about a guy who can insert 
four-letter words into nearly every sen- 
tence he speaks? If people who enjoy гар 
music consider him their spokesman, so 
be it. But it's beyond my comprehension 
why PLAYBOY would bother with him. 

David Binder 
dbinder@delphi.com 
Manalapan, New Jersey 


Some raw data: 

By my count, the number of times 
Snoop Doggy Dogg uses the word shit in 
his Interview: 73. 

Number of times he says motherfuck- 
ег: 57. 

Number of times he says fuck: 37. 

Number of times he says nigger: 9. 

Number of times he says love: 3. 

Thank you for giving us a clearer pic- 
ture of this eloquent artist. 

D. Paul 
Clarksburg, Pennsylvania 


I am not a mainstream American. I 
grew up poor and turned to the gang- 
ster lifestyle, but 1 never blamed it on so- 
ciety, nor did I think taxpayers should 
solve my problems. Snoop says white so- 
ciety wants to control black men and 
keep them in the ghetto. Maybe white 


society doesn't want the ghetto lifestyle 
brought into its communities. The black 
community has to start solving its own 
problems. Why doesn't Snoop do а rap 
about getting off your ass and getting a 
job? I plan to work my ass off to make 
sure my kids have better opportunities 
than I had. 

Steve World 

Oakland, California 


"The Interview highlighted the many in- 
triguing facets of Snoop Doggy Dogg: 
from his youth experiences to his poli 
cal insights. Thanks to rravsov for doing 
us justice. 


George Ргусе 

Director of Communications 
and Media Relations 

Death Row Records 

New York, New York 


Can motherfucker Snoop motherfuck- 
er Doggy motherfucker Dogg say any- 
thing else? 

Dean Zappia 
Cleveland, Ohio 


Please don't refer to rap as music. I'm 
not musically inclined, but even I could 
scream profanity into a microphone, 
which would probably be hailed as 
groundbreaking coming from a 37-year- 
old white Republican. 

Rich Andrews 
Hartford, Connecticut 


I grew up in the Oakland ghetto. I just 
read your Snoop Doggy Dogg interview 
while sitting in my hotel room in France. 
Snoop’s music is popular here, even 
though many people don’t understand 
his lyrics. What is unfortunate, though, 
is that David Sheff doesn’t seem to un- 
derstand the lyrics either. Sheff concen- 
trates his interview on their negative 
influences, but Snoop renders them all 
positive in his replies. For my part, I will 
encourage people to listen to Snoop and 
to all those who rap the truth. You can 
take the man out of the ghetto, but you 


can't take the experience of the ghetto 
out of the man. 
Anthony Gilliam 


Vence, France 


PIGSKIN PREVIEW 
I look forward cach year to Playboy's 

Pigskin Preview (October), and as a Big 
Ten alum, I read it with particular inter- 
est. This year you left off two of the 11 
Big Ten teams from your comments, In- 
diana and Northwestern (Northwestern. 
beat your overall number 11 pick, Notre 
Dame). Nine teams out of 11 gets a B- 
from me. 

Terry Boyd 

Beverly Hills, Florida 


RICKTER SCALE 
I felt the earth move when I saw Octo- 
ber Playmate Alicia Rickter (Earth Shaker, 
October). She is a definite 20 on my 
Richter scale. 
Jerry Low 
Whittier, California 


Not only is Alicia Rickter the 500th 
Playmate, but she’s also the most incred- 
ible of all. 

Josh Hayes 


Johnson City, Tennessee 


BEDTIME STORIES 
A girlfriend criticized me for having a 
copy of PLAYBOY on the bedstand. I told 
her I was reading original fiction by 
Vladimir Nabokov (Razor, October). She 
didn’t know what to say. Thank you for 
continuing to share the work of the 
world’s best writers. 
Harry Glen Matthews 
Baton Rouge, Louisiana 


IVY LEAGUE WOMEN 
One look at the Women of the Ivy League 
(October) makes me wish 1 had pre- 
pared a little better for my SATs. 
J.N. Nichols 
Jnnicho@univscvm 
Columbia, South Carolina 


"Thanks for a heart-stealing, loin-stir- 
ring pictorial. Please ask Yale's Amy 
Nabors back for her own feature. 
Mark Mazzuchi 
Cleveland, Ohio 


1 find it ironic that the female protest- 
ersin the Ivy League pictorial ended up 
appearing in the magazine. 

Mark Melvin 
West Covina, California 


3 ume DÀ 


cont Um 80759. ER Wes FOR 


9 


PLAYBOY 


20 QUESTIONS 
In a talk-show world full of freaks, 
gang members and fat conservatives, Bill 
Maher's Politically Incorrect stands out as 
the only show with any purpose. Watch- 
ing Maher and his guests debate current 
issues is more meaningful than watching 
a 40-year-old man complain that he has 
nightmares about circumcision. 
Brent-David Bly 
Toledo, Ohio 


THE SPIN ON LESBIANS 
As a gay female who subscribes to 
PLAYBOY, I read those ridiculous articles 
Lesbian Chic and Lesbians for a Day (Octo- 
ber). For the record, authors Brendan 
Baber, Eric Spitznagel and Myles Ber- 
kowitz are most deserving of their own 
category: Bored Straight Dudes Writing 
for pLaysov Who Can't Get Any. 
Amy Hanna 
QueerGirl2@aol.com 
Cleveland, Ohio 


Myles Berkowitz needs to look beyond 
his penis to write objectively. I am an at- 
tractive young woman married to a won- 
derful man, but I also have sex with 
women. Lesbians for a Day perpetuates 
the notion that despite all the advances 
women have made, we are still objects of 
pleasure desperately seeking men to 
make us whole. 

Anne Smith 
Phoenix, Arizona 


Aren't these articles on lesbians really 
about bisexuals? I'm disappointed that 
PLAYBOY doesn't acknowledge that there 
are differences. 

Dan Stager 
Milford, New Hampshire 


I can relate to the women іл Lesbians 
for a Day because І am a heterosexual 
who is also attracted to beautiful women. 
I agree with Berkowitz when he says 
women don't continue lesbian relation- 
ships because they can't fall in love with a 
woman or because it was just a phase. 
But I also know that some women who 
have great sex with their male partners 
get bored. Maybe some people just like 
to have a little variety. 

Julie Yee 
San Francisco, California 


I'd like to spot another trend. I think 
heterosexual chic is really starting to 
come out into the open. I've seen теп 
and women kissing each other in public. 
1 even know some people who without 
shame or fear have announced they're 
getting married. This is really blowing 
my mind. 

Н.М. Phillips 
Outer Banks, North Carolina 


Do you dopes know what you have 
done? By putting our way of life in the 


10 same category as flower children in bell- 


bottom jeans, you have caused lesbians 
to run and hide in shame. If we were on- 
ly trendy, would we be fighting for the 
right to love and live as we want? 
Janicjua Hicks 
‘Tampa, Florida 


BEAUTIFUL BRUNETTES 
The October issue is a treat for any 
man who loves brown-eyed brunettes. It 
was great to be greeted by Lisa Boyle on 
the cover. Imagine my elation when I al- 
so discovered the piercing mocha eyes of 
Alicia Rickter. 
Dane Spearing 
danc@rescomp stanford.cdu 


Sunnyvale, California 


What are my chances of seeing cover 
girl Lisa Boyle without that blanket? 
Brian Johnson 
Maple Grove, Minnesota 


How could you be so cruel? When I 
saw the October cover, my jaw dropped 
Lisa Boyle is just unbelievable. 1 went 
through the magazine ten times looking 
for some revealing photos only to be dis- 
appointed. Where else can I find Lisa? 


Please help raise my spirits 
Timothy Ross 
Swarthmore, Pennsylvania 
She's in PLAYBOY Newsstand Specials’ 
March-April 1995 “Book of Lingerie.” Or- 
der al 800-423-9494. 


The model on the October cover is 
worth every cent Гуе ever paid for your 
magazine. 1 would be in heaven if you 
would dedicate an entire pictorial to the 
lovely Lisa Boyle. 

Dan Carter 
ZZRQ99AGprodigy.com 
Annapolis, Maryland 


As a buyer of PLAYBOY'S Newsstand 
Specials, Lam no stranger to Lisa Boyle's 
stunning beauty, but the picture on the 
October cover vas incredible. Thanks to 


Contributing Photographer Richard Feg- 
ley for his sexy cover, and to Lisa for 
posing. 
David Lawson 
Brook Park, Ohio 


SOLDIER MCVEIGH 
I can't believe rLayboY would publish 
such crap as Jonathan Franklin's arti- 
de (Timothy McVeigh, Soldier, October). 
Franklin displays such an obvious lack of 
knowledge about the Army that it casts 
doubt about the authenticity of the re- 
mainder of the article. If everything 
Franklin reports is true, why hasn't 
McVeigh been charged with violating the 
Geneva Convention and following un- 
lawful orders? 
E.C. Altvater IV 
Fort Huachuca, Arizona 
We checked out Franklin's piece with Army 
officials. It passed muster. 


‘Timothy McVeigh is the best example 
of what not to be in today's military. 
When my father served in the Army he 
discovered that the military recruits the 
young because the young aren't old 
enough to recognize fear or to argue 
with authority figures. We will always 
have wars as long as we have youths to 
fight them. 

William Perkins 
White City, Oregon. 


ELIZABETH BERKLEY 
1 can't stop staring at the beautiful 
photos of Elizabeth Berkley (Showgirls, 
October). She is a standout as the young 
stripper in the movie. Didn't she also 
play Jessie, the feminist teenybopper on 
Saved by the Bell? Vd say she has moved to 
the top of her class. 
John Zumbro 
Jzumbro@aol.com 
Hermitage, Tennessee 


1 used to watch Elizabeth Berkley on 
Saved by the Bell. She has taken a giant 
leap from high school girl to erotic show- 


girl. I'm glad she's still heating up a 
screen somewhere. 
Jay Walker 
walkerp@uwindsor.ca 


Windsor, Ontario 


BRETT BUTLER 
Although Brett Butler plays ап unsen- 
timental woman on her television series, 
she's not unsympathetic. It never ос- 
curred to me that she could be such a 
tough guy behind the scenes (Grace Un- 
der Pressure, October). But is there any- 
thing wrong with that? 
Al Curry 
Atlanta, Georgia 


Ow! My balls hurt! 
Brett Butler 
Studio City, California 


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Grand Marnier, slightly less mysterious than the meaning of life. 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


CON FUSION 


To illustrate the frivolous lawsuits filed 
by prisoners, the National Association of 
Attorneys General has compiled a list 
of outlandish constitutional demands, 
such as the right of prisoners to wear 
sunglasses and the right to have Rolling 
Stone delivered to isolation cells. Howev- 
er, at least one of the demands does seem 
to have merit: the right to use soap-on-a- 
rope. On this matter, perhaps the au- 
thorities should be the ones to bend. 


LATHER, RINSE MOUTH, REPEAT 


Discerning women can now give their 
hair a spermament. A key ingredient in 
Kevis, one of the most expensive sham- 
poos on the market, is a synthesized 
form of hyaluronic acid, a vital compo- 
nent of human sperm. In theory, the 
goop gives hair more volume by helping 
the shampoo penetrate hair cuticles in 
the same way that it helps sperm enter 
an egg. We imagine the shampoo also 
stings twice as badly when you get it in 
your eyes 


FUNNY FINNISH 


When Pasi Kuoppamaki isn't studying 
the effects of global warming on Fin- 
land’s industries, he’s collecting jokes 
about economists on his Web site 
(http://www.etla.fi/pkm/joke.html). Ex- 
ample: “If an economist and an IRS 
agent were both drowning and you 
could save only one of them, would you 
have lunch or read the paper?” And: 
“How many Chicago School economists 
does it take to change a light bulb? None. 
If the bulb needed changing, the market 
would have done it already.” 


PARTS AND LABOR 

Probate court judge Clayton Preisel 
of Lapeer County, Michigan denied 
mechanic John Jakubowski's request to 
change his name to Kiss My Ass. Ja- 
kubowski sought the name change as a 
way to protest years of struggle with 
property taxes and rights. “I'm not sure 
It serves any real purpose to legitimize 
the provocative name,” the judge said, 


explaining his ruling. But given the kind 
of attitude we've endured from several 
mechanics, the legitimate purpose may 
well fall under the truth-in-advertising 
statutes. 


ANOTHER INNOVATION FROM NASA 


On to the sound barrier: Ultra Tech 
Products of Houston is offering the 
Toottrapper Chair Cushion, a mat filled 
with a “superactivated carbon filter” 
that, the firm claims, absorbs passed gas 
before it can escape into the atmosphere. 


FUNDAMENTALIST FABIO 


Born-again Christians like to read ro- 
mance novels as much as the rest of us. 
Guidelines sent to aspiring writers for 
the Heartsong Presents line of steam- 
free Christian romances include: “The 
hero and heroine should not be di- 
vorced”; “Drinking [alcohol] із unac- 
ceptable for Christian characters. How- 
ever, for non-Christians this conflict can 
be explored”; “Do not be overly descrip- 
tive when describing how characters feel 
in a particularly romantic moment, for 
example, when kissing, embracing and 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


so on”; and our favorite, “Characters, es- 
pecially female characters, should be 
modestly dressed.” Guess that takes care 
of Genesis. 


WILL WORK FOR FOOT 


Ronald Hannon has invented a prod- 
uct that enables people to clean between 
their toes without bending over: It is a 
string held taut from the shower floor. 
Toe floss, anyone? 


A BLOW TO THE NEW YORKER 


You can be sure they’re cracking the 
whip at The New Yorker after the weekly 
printed the following retraction: “Edi- 
tor's note: In criticizing the political 
views of Patrick Buchanan, Mr. [William] 
Bennett said, ‘It’s a real us-and-them 
kind of thing,’ not, as we reported, ‘It's a 
real S&M kind of thing." 


THE MESSIAH FORMERLY 
KNOWN AS JESUS 


Last Easter, the Church of England 
ran advertisements that avoided all ver- 
bal or visual references to the cross. An 
official of the church's advertising net- 
work said, “The cross carries too much 


cultural baggage." 


THIN BLUE LINES 


Copspeak: The Lingo of Law Enforcement 
and Crime (John Wiley & Sons), by Tom 
Philbin, documents more examples of 
police slang than your typical Compton 
rap record. Chief among them: 

Adiosis, state of: А jocular expression 
from New York's Long Island to describe 
a victim of a fatal car wreck, as in, "How 
is he doing? He's in a state of adiosis." 

Bag bride: A prostitute hooked on 
crack cocaine. Also known as skeegers. 

Canoe, make a: An autopsy. During an 
autopsy а body is cut open and the ог- 
gans are removed, leaving a hollowed- 
out shell. 

Chalk fairy: Photographs that are taken 
at a crime scene after chalk lines are 
drawn are sometimes thrown out of 
court—the lines are evidence that the 
crime scene had been disturbed. The 


RAW DATA 


FACT OF 
THE MONTH 

The tiny Drosophila 
bifurca, or fruit fly, 
has the largest sperm 
of any animal. Its 
sperm is 2.3 inches 
long, which is about 
20 times the length 
of its body, and 
makes up 11 percent 
of its body weight. 


QUOTE 

“1 thought 70 per- 
cent of the people I 
met were idiots. Half 
of those were fools 
and the other half were vile. The oth- 
er 30 percent were nice, though."— 
ESTEE LAUDER MODEL ELIZABETH HURLEY 
ON HER RECENT TRIP TO HOLLYWOOD 


CORPORATE APPETITE 

Number of employees laid off 
at IBM during the past decade: 
186,000. Salary paid to the private 
executive chef for IBM chairman 
Louis Gerstner: $87,500 plus $30,000 
signing bonus. Amount of Gerstner's 
recent bonus: $2.6 million. 


GOING POSTAL 
The number of Richard Nixon 
stamps printed by the U.S. Postal Ser- 
vice: 80 million. Number of LB] 
stamps: 150 million. Number of Elvis 
stamps: 500 million. 


RATES OF INTEREST 
In a survey of 600 business leaders 
in the U.K., percentage who came 
close to knowing the Bank of Eng- 
land's key lending rate: 27; percent- 
age who knew the cost of a pint of 


beer: 90. 


STUPID STICKUPS 
According to the FBI, average 
number of bank robbers who are 
nabbed each year because they wrote 
their holdup notes on the backs of de- 
posit slips for their own accounts: 45. 


PYRAMID SCAM 
Percentage of total wealth in the 
U.S. that is controlled by the richest 1 
percent of the population: 40. Per- 


centage of the na- 
tion's wealth con- 
trolled by the richest 
20 percent of the 
population: 80. 


FUNDAMENTAL 
‘SHIFT 

Percentage of U.S. 
households that 
owned mutual funds 
in 1980: 6; in 1990: 
25; that own them 
today: 31. Number 
of mutual funds in 
the U.S.: 7607. 


DIAPER POOP 

Size of the U.S. market for dispos- 
able diapers: $3.9 billion. Percentage 
of share controlled by Proctor & 
Gamble: 35; by Kimberly-Clark: 31. 
Number of diapers the average baby 
will use: 6400. 


SHAVING ACCOUNT 

According to Gillette, percentage of 
American women who shave their 
legs daily during the winter: 8; per- 
centage who shave two or three times 
a week: 32; percentage of once-a- 
weekers: 31. According to Schick, 
number of times the average woman 
will shave her legs in a lifetime: 6336. 


BENCHMARKS 

Number of black federal judges 
appointed by Bill Clinton: 31; by 
George Bush: 2; by Ronald Reagan: 
1; by Jimmy Carter: 9. Number of fe- 
male judges appointed by Clinton: 
44; by Bush: 8; by Reagan: 4; by 
Carter: 6. 


SILENT MINORITY 
Percentage of Americans who don't 
know anyone ina militia: 90. 


CHUNNEL VISION 

In 1987, projected cost of building 
the Eurotunnel that connects Britain 
and France: $7.7 billion. Actual cost: 
$15.5 billion. In 1994, projected 
number of cars traveling through the 
tunnel daily: 20,000. Actual: 4493. 
Number of minutes saved by travel- 
ing through the tunnel rather than Бу 
ferry: 40. —PAULENGLEMAN 


goof is blamed on the chalk fairy. 

Cluckhead: A Los Angeles gang term 
for crackhead 

Donorcycles: Motorcycles. Fatalities 
from bike accidents ofien are the result 
of head injuries. Body organs usually re- 
main intact. 

Dry dive: Chicago term for committing 
suicide by jumping. 

Finger wave: Digital examination of an 
inmate's rectum. 

Flight deck: Hospital ward for drug 
users suffering nervous breakdowns. 

Get the button: To become a made man 
in the Mafia. 

Grounder: An easy case. 

Maytag: A weak prisoner who, for pro- 
tection, does favors that are mostly sexu- 
al but can also indude doing laundry. 

Ray people: Mentally unbalanced peo- 
ple who falsely admit to committing 
murder. 

Shoulder surfing: Sneaking a look at 
someone's ATM info in order to rob the 
account later. 

Smurfing: Laundering money into 
smaller denominations through multiple 
transactions at many banks—a flurry of 
activity done by busy underlings, or 
“smurfs.” 


TRAIN LINES 


Hard-line graffito found in a New 
York City subway: “Death to those who 
differ.” Scrawled below: “Sounds good 


to me!” 


DEAD LETTER OFFICE 


Postmaster General Marvin Runyon 
recently announced that any postal clerk 
who takes a gun to work will be fired on 
the spot. Although we heartily approve 
of the intent of the new rule, it raises one 
significant question: If а postal clerk 
takes a gun to work, who does the firing? 


COLD-PLATE SPECIAL 


Everybody gripes about the weather, 
but Minnesotans apparently resent 
theirs so much that many pay $100 just 
for the satisfaction of expressing their 
discontent on vanity license plates. 
Among those currently in circulation: 
BRRR, BRRRR, BRRRRR, 2 COLD, TOOCOLD, IM 
COLD, IMCOLD and the plaintive NOMOSNO. 


COMMUNITY JEST 


When Jorge Rodriguez went before a 
Kenosha, Wisconsin judge on charges 
that he drove into a parked car while in- 
toxicated, he handed his honor а Mo- 
nopoly-style “Get Out of Jail” card. The 
judge issued a fine and probation. 


INITIAL PUBIC OFFERING 


Rick’s Cabaret International has be- 
come the first chain of topless bars to go 
public with a listing on Nasdaq. We want 
just enough shares to sit at the board of 
directors’ table. 


Cool cars shouldn’t have 
frozen fuel lines. 


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you drive, STP Gas Treatment 
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line antifreeze, our unique gas treatment 
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Just one bottle in your tank = = 

every time you fill up is the ( Y 
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so-cool, or just really cold. 


WHEN YOU CAN”T SMOKE. 


RLON S 
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ROCK 


THE GREAT falsetto voices in rock and soul 
were in place by the end of the disco era 
This tradition produced Little Richard's 
ecstatic gospel “wooo,” and Sylvester's 
drag-queen scream. Other stops along 
the way would include the Stylistics’ Rus- 
sell Thompkins, Little Willie John, Jim- 
my Scott, Sam Cooke, Curtis Mayfield 
and Smokey Robinson. On Dare to Love 
(London), Jimmy Somerville drags the 
falsetto tradition out of the closet and us- 
es it, buttressed by powerful postdisco 
beats and soul ballads, to express the tri- 
umphs and tragedies of gay love. 

Somerville does this quite matter-of- 
factly, though on the title track he rages 
against homophobia. It’s a passionate, 
compelling musical statement. But on 
the album's other strong tracks, such as 
the covers of Hurts So Good and Someday 
(We'll Be Together) and the Originals’ A 
Dream Gone Wrong, Heartbeat and Cry, 
Somerville sings about universal feel- 
ings—love, hope, freedom, fear, heart- 
break, despair. If you can’t get off on 
that, it’s your own damn fault. 

Evil Stig (Warner Bros./Blackheart) is 
both a tribute to the Gits’ Mia Zapata, 
who was raped and murdered three 
years ago in Seattle, and the new Joan 
Jett album. And it's one of Jett's best: Fe- 
rocious and nonstop, it highlights a set 
of excellent Gits tunes. The proceeds 
from the album will fund the continuing 
investigation into Zapata's death; the 
music reminds us who was the first great 
female rocker of her generation. 

You could make a case for Billy Lee Ri- 
ley as the third greatest voice at Sun 
Records, after Elvis and Jerry Lee. On 
Red Hor: The Best of Billy Lee Riley (Avi), he's 
Taw, joyous, crazed and untamable. 

— DAVE MARSH 


Pop quiz, hotshot: You're a Southern 
musician, smothered by rigid social tra- 
ditions and enough dysfunctional family 
history to fill two Pat Conroy novels. 
What do you do? You move to Athens, 
Georgia and play traditional, folksy mu- 
sic, but sabotage it with some truly weird 
lyrics. It worked for R.E.M. Now the 
town’s cult-hero songwriter, Vic Ches- 
nutt, has joined with homeboys Wide- 
spread Panic in a Dylan-meets-the-Band 
scenario. They call the collaboration 
Brute, and their brilliant debut, Nine 
High a Pallet (Capricorn), instantly estab- 
lishes Brute as the most talented band to 
стегде from south of the Mason-Dixon 
line since Stipe and Co. Chesnutt's sar- 
donic tunes are eerie and slightly loony. 
His bandmates provide the muscle and 
focus to flesh out his wry rants. 

Blue Rodeo hail from Canada. No- 


where to Here (Discovery) is another of 


their pristine country-rock albums that 


Jimmy Somerville dares 
to love, Joe Satriani shows 
off and Omar croons. 


outclass their American cousins. They do 

rebel on some mesmerizing jams that 

capture the spirit of their live shows. 
---УІССАЕВАКІМІ 


Joe Satriani deserves a following be- 
yond the cult of guitar magazine read- 
ers, of which I count myself a member. 
His jazz-classical approach to rock guitar 
оп Joe Satriani (Relativity) can drop your 
jaw to the floor. He's a virtuoso who 
doesn'tshow off unless he has something, 
to show. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Over the past few years, pop has 
tamed some of grunge's more danger- 
ous sonic ideas—such as dirty guitars, 
found noise, industrial samples and 
low-fi recording—to create tuneful but 
messy music. 

Now, two international pop groups 
exploit the idea of the female singer. 
Whale is a Swedish trio made up of pro- 
ducer Gordon Cyrus, talk-show comic 
Henrik Schyffert and Sweden's first-ever 
VJ, Cia Berg. Garbage puts Shirley Man- 
son, formerly of the Scottish band An- 
gelfish, in front of three Midwestern 
musicians, including drummer Butch 
Vig— producer of Nirvana's Nevermind. 

These acts are far too calculated and 
professional to qualify as garage bands. 
But both do their damnedest to rough- 
and-tumble it, and the effect is delight- 
ful, even charming. Whale's We Care 
(Virgin) is happier, goofier and much 
sexier than Garbage, as on I'll Do Ya, 


Young, Dumb п" Full of Cum and Hobo 
Humpin' Slobo Babe. Only Happy When It 
Rains suggests the depth of the pes- 
simism on Garbage (Almo Sounds/Gef- 
fen), and its cleverness doesn't come off 
clichéd. — ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


REGGAE 


Jackie Mittoo is reggae's answer to 
Jimmy Smith. A lot of the organ grooves 
ON Tribute to Jackie Mittoo (Heartbeat/Stu- 
dio One) will remind you of James 
Brown's great mid-Sixties instrumentals. 
Not for organ fans only. —DAvE MARSH 


COUNTRY 


The curious legacy of Roger Miller is a 
dandy subject for a boxed set, especially 
since so many retrospectives are over- 
done. Miller, who died in 1992, is gener- 
ally remembered as the writer of the 
wacky mid-Sixties hits Dang Me, Chug-a- 
Lug and the mother of all trucker songs, 
King of the Road. But the three-CD, 70- 
song King of the Road: The Genius of Roger 
Miller (Mercury Nashville) is a project of 
depth, delight and, most of all, discov- 
ery. Miller's exaggerated delivery often 
caused listeners to overlook the way he 
framed lyrics around precise, hard-driv- 
ing rhymes and rhythms. 

Celinda Pink has come out of the blue. 
For the past 18 years, the Nashville- 
based country-blues belter has been 
ging in the funky lower Broadway 
taverns of Music City. Her second Amer- 
ican release, Unchained (Step One Кес- 
ords, 1300 Division St., Nashville, Ten- 
nessce 37203), reveals a bawdy talent 
more appropriate for a Texas dancehall 
than for Nashville. Material such as the 
silky I've Changed Since Гое Been Un- 
chained, illustrate Pink's promise. Yet 
Hound Dog shows how she understands 
the rural snarl of Big Mama Thornton, 
who sang the Leiber and Stoller tune be- 
fore Elvis got it. —DAVE HOEKSTRA 


All aspiring musicians with leftist polit- 
ical sentiments should listen to the song 
Plenty Tough Union Made on the album To 
the Last Dead Cowboy (Bloodshot) by the 
Waco Brothers. It's a perfect model of 
how to hit the basic points about eco- 
nomic justice without coming off as an 
overearnest weenie. It has a wonderfully 
catchy sing-along melody. The Waco 
Brothers play “hard country,” which 
seems to mean country rock without the 
slightest influence from the Eagles. Sort 
of a side project by members of the 
Mekons, Jesus Jones and the Wreck, the 
Waco Brothers favor lots of reverb, a 
touch of tremolo, serious twang and a 
looseness of approach that stops short of 


FAST TRACKS 


TER 


Garbarini 
8 8 7 7 8 
4 8 9 Ji 
Jimmy Somerville 
Dore fa Love. 3 6 7 6 
To the Lost Deod 
Cowboy 6 


REST IN SPACE DEPARTMENT: The Grate- 
ful Dead turned down an offer from 
the National Space Society to launch 
Jerry Garcia's remains. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Doors Кеу- 
boardist Ray Manzarek is working on 
two film projects: directing Art of Mur- 
der and co-producing The Master and 
Margarila. . . . Isaac Hayes is scoring 
War Zone, starring a group of blax- 
ploitation actors who appeared 
Seventies movies: Fred Williamson, 
Brown, Pam Grier and Richord Round- 
tree, .. . Seleno’s life will be brought to 
the big screen by director Gregory Ne- 
va, who made Mi Familia. . . . Bette Mid- 
ler is executive producer of the TV s 
com based on her old backup singers, 
the нагіенеѕ. She'll make periodic 
guest appearances. . . . Michael stipe 
has purchased a script by a high 
school student for his production 
company. Jessica Kaplan's screenplay, 
Powers That Be, details what happens 
when a group of Beverly Hills high 
school students copy the behavior of 
their counterparts in the inner city. 
Powers That Be is the third film Stipe 
has in development. 

NEWSBREAKS: А Willie Nelson tribute 
CD is coming from alternative rock- 
ers. Krist Novoselic, Kim Thayil and Sean 
Kinney back Johnny Cash on Time of the 
Preacher and Waylon Jennings is expect- 
ed to add his vocals to 17% version of 
Three Days. . . - Green Day's latest is a 
follow-up to Dookie. . . . The first-ever 
Pay-per-view rap concert starred 
Cypress Hill, Naughty by Nature and 
Method Man. Some of the proceeds 
went to Hale House in Harlem, which 
cares for homeless and abused ba- 
bies. . . . Music Monitor, the monthly 
magazine designed to explain lyrics to 
parents, plans to broaden its scope 
to include the Internet, electronic 
games, TV and movies. It will now 


call itself Entertainment Monitor. . . . 
Paul Simon's musical, Capeman, will 
open in Chicago in the fall of 1996, 
then make its way to Broadway. . 
The Ultimate Rhythm and Blues 
Cruise will depart from Florida this 
month. Taj Mahal, J. Geils and 
Magic Dick, among others, will be on 
board. . .. Get Homespun Tapes’ pi- 
ano lessons from Beach Boys key- 
boardist Billy Hinsche. Call 800-33- 
Tares for good vibrations. . . . Reprise 
Records celebrates Frank Sinatra's 80th 
birthday with a 20-disc set, including 
70 selections previously unavailable. 
No word yet on price. . . . Disney is re- 
leasing a series of concept albums 
from its classic TV shows, and Linda 
Ronstadt, Bobby McFerrin and the Chief- 
tains are among those participat- 
ing. . . . Don Wes is trying to convince 
Brian Wilson to turn the fabled un- 
finished Beach Boys album Smile into a 
CD-ROM. Was says, “He could load 
up an interactive CD with seven hours 
of stuff from those sessions and just 
tell the people who buy it to finish 
it.” .. . Jerry Garcia's widow, Deborah 
Koons Garcia, is completing the visual 
autobiography he was working on 
when he died. Harrington Street con- 
ins handwritten anecdotes and rem- 
iniscences and computer-generated 
art and sketches. Delacorte will pub- 
lish it. . . . Hootie & the Blowfish’s Cracked 
Rear View is the best-selling debut al- 
bum in the history of Atlantic Rec- 
ords. Darius Rucker says, “It’s very cool 
1 hope everyone will still be talking 
about it ten years from now.” - - . Last- 
ly. country music legend Merle Hag- 
gard on music in the Nineties: “In or- 
der to be played nowadays you have 
to be singing about air. It's got to have 
that goddamn line-dance tempo to it 
and you've got to be under 40.” 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


sloppy. The Waco Brothers don't limit 
themselves to union issues. They do par- 
ticularly well describing how alcohol can 
help with crushed aspirations. But the 
main point they're making is this: It’s 
the final cattle call for the true cowboys, 
“while the bankers and the lawyers drive 
our country to the wall.” Yipe. 

— CHARLES M. YOUNG 


WORLD 


1 had no idea that I loved Norwegian 
fiddle music until I heard the glorious 
meditative melodies of Felefeber (Norwe- 
gian Fiddle Fantasia) (Shanachie) by Апп- 
bjørg Lien. Guaranteed to turn off the 
"monkey mind" of normal consciousness 
and to put you in touch with your deep- 
est self. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Sufi academic Ога Güveng’s Ocean of 
Remembrance (Interworld, RD 3, Box 
395A, Brattleboro, Vermont 05301) 
could soothe anybody's troubled breast. 
And the flutes on Brion Jones Presents the 
Pipes of Pan at Jajouka (Point Music) are 
wild enough to start rumors about 
where all the original Dionysian revels 
ended up. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


R&B 


Omar is a smooth crooner with a few 
ingratiating rough edges. Like most 
U.K. soul men, he has a deep apprecia- 
tion for Motown and other traditional 
forms of hook-laden black pop. His CD 
For Pleasure (RCA) introduces him to 
America. Among his collaborators are 
ex-Motown staff members Lamont Doz- 
ier (Outside) and Leon Ware (Can't Get 
Nowhere). 

While no single song will knock you 
out, Omar never irritates, and he makes 
dever musical choices. The philosophi- 
cal Making Sense of It and the introspec- 
tive Little Boy show a keen sensitivity few 
American R&B singers can match 

Brooklyn Funk Essentials is а Seven- 
ties-style ten-piece aggregation complete 
with horn section and Latin percussion. 
Cool and Steady and Easy (Groove- 
town/RCA) collects 12 cuts that are 
heavy on jamming and light on melo- 
dies. Although BFE features a singer 
and two rappers, it's the chunky backing 
rhythms and swirling arrangements that 
merit special attention, —NELSON GEORGE 


CLASSICAL 


Paul Lansky, America's foremost elec- 
tronic composer, has a new CD. Folk Im- 
ages (Bridge) is a peculiar but endearing 
confrontation with American folk music, 
A professor of music at Princeton, Lan- 
sky beguiles us with his reassessments of 
everyday sounds as music. 

—LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


WIRED 


MIND FUN AND GAMES 


Imagine moving players in a computer 
game with brainpower instead of with 
a joystick, keyboard or mouse. Simply 
think your man left and he moves that 
way. Change your mind and he'll change 
directions. Mind-boggling? No, it's Mind 
Drive, a PC peripheral developed by 
Ron Gordon, one of the powers behind 
the original Atari video game company 
of the Seventies. Gordon's new business, 
The Other 90% Technologies (which 
refers to how much of your brain goes 
unused), will launch Mind Drive early 
this year. An infrared computer accesso- 
ry expected to cost less than $200, it con- 
sists of software, a wireless ring you wear 


to enhance movie and music recordings. 
At home, it gives stereo speakers a power 
boost, creating a sense of dimension 
without requiring an elabo- 
rate home-theater setup. 
Sound Retrieval System, 
developed by Hughes Air- 
craft, goes а step further by 
actually restoring spatial 
sound lost through the 
stereo signal process 
What's more, with SRS in a 
home-theater mix, there's 
no such thing as a sweet 
spot—you can sit anywhere 
in the room and enjoy a 
dramatic surround-sound 
experience. Likewise, SRS 
intensifies computer gam- 
ing by making you feel as 
though you're in the center 
of the action. SRS circuitry is included in 
top-of-the-line RCA and Sony television 
sets, home audio products by Kenwood, 
Nakamichi and Nureality, and Packard 
Bell multimedia computers. 


SMOKEY AND THE BANDITS 


For years radar detector manufacturers 
and traffic cops have been locked in a 
game of one-upmanship—as soon as 
Smokey comes up with a new weapon to 
zap lead-footed drivers, detector makers 
counter with technology to sniff it out. In 
an odd twist, the latest radar-detector in- 
novation has the opposing camps work- 


оп your finger and a special control con- 
sole that connects to the back of your 


ing together to make sure detector-tot- 
ing motorists are well aware of police 
presence. Transmitters are being mount- 


ed in cop cars and emergency vehicles 
such as ambulances and fire trucks to 
send out safety alert signals warning of 
road hazards. Escort's Passport 5000 
($179) and Cobra’s RDL-712SW (less 
than $200) detectors display messages 
such as “Emergency Vehicle” and “Road 
Hazard” on an LCD screen. The cord- 
less, battery-powered Escort Solo 5 
($200) and Cobra RDL-8000SW ($200) 
use specific beep tones and LEDs to indi- 
cate trouble ahead. And later this year, 
BEL-Tronics, Whistler, Uniden and 
Sanyo Tecnica plan to introduce detec- 
tors that receive as many as 64 messages. 
Of course, these detectors still notify 
speed freaks of a cop in the bushes 


20 Presario PCs) was originally developed 


IBM-compatible PC. Gordon claims you 
use your thoughts to control on-screen 
action by pointing the ring at the moni- 
tor. It functions on the principles of. 
biofeedback, he says, adding that the de- 
vice will be available initially for comput- 
erand later for video game systems, but 
can be adapted to control any digital 
gear. We'll believe this when we see it. 


EAR THIS 


Three-dimensional audio is touted as 
one of the hottest new technologies in 
home entertainment electronics. De- 
signed to provide fuller, richer 
sound from standard ster- 
ео speakers, it currently 
comes in two forms— 
Spatializer 3-D Stereo 

and Sound Retrieval 

System. The former (of- 

fered in Panasonic's 
high-end VCRs, Sharp "S 
and Hitachi TVs, Labtec mul- 
timedia speakers and Compaq's 


ee WILD THINGS ¡A 


Sony has hatched a winner. lts egg-shaped RM-V30 Universal Remote Control (pictured 
below) weighs a mere 4.6 ounces, fits comfortably in the palm of your hand and can 
be programmed to operate most TVs, VCRs and cable boxes. Best of all, it provides up 
to six months of uninterrupted surfing on a single lithium battery. The price: $35. e To 
make sure your home and car audio gear are tuned to perfection, pick up TDK's Ulti- 
mate Guide to Great Sound. This almast-free CD (you pay $5 far shipping) contains 74 
minutes of listening tips, diagnostic tests and musical selections designed to maximize 
your system's performance. e Seiko's new smart calculator, the SC-1650 (530), 
crunches numbers and words: Similar in size to a paperback book, it provides thou- 
sands of spellings, definitions and synonyms from the American 
Heritage Dictionary. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 179. 


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21 


22 


STYLE 


GETTING DOWN 


On а brisk winter day, a feather-filled vest can keep you as 
warm as a bulky parka can—and you won't look and feel like 
the Michelin Man. Ralph Lauren's Polo Sport line includes a 
down-filled powder vest (about $200) that stands out thanks 
to a shiny gunmetal shell that can attract both snow bunnies 
and the rescue patrol. Nautica’s parka (down filled for $325 
or Nautex for $315) converts to a bright-orange-and-yellow 


vest when you remove its zip-out microfiber shell and zip-off 


sleeves. Powder bufis will appreciate the functional Killy Excel 
vest ($280) that is filled 
with Thermulate, a mate- 
rial designed to keep you 
warm and dry in the snow 
and slush. It features a 
drawstring bottom and 
storm flap over the zipper 
for wicked-weather pro- 
tection. DKNY’s down- 
filled vest (8225, pictured 
here) has a bright-blue 
shell that snaps in front 
plus just enough black to 
keep you stylish among 
the moguls of Manhattan. 
But the most downtown 
look this year comes from 
Austyn Zung, who has 
used reflective charcoal- 
gray nylon to create a down-filled vest ($470) with a faux-fur 
collar that's both fashionably and politically correct. 


GETTING FLEECED 


Polar fleece, the fluffy, lightweight fabric that wicks | 
away moisture from the skin, has made its way off / 
the slopes and into the latest menswear. Columbia 
Sportswear's heathered Berber pullover, for ex- 
ample, can be worn instead of a sweater. Offered 
in birch or charcoal with a heavy pile texture, it 
features a high convertible zip collar, rib-knit 
trim and a split hem ($80). M.N.W. Wardrobe, 
an Italian sportswear collection, refers to its 
gray polar-fleece V-neck pullovers and zip- 
front polos and cardigans ($100 to $115) as 
"luxury sweats." Verso offers a pullover in 
gray-and-navy polar fleece with a quilted yoke - 
and a zip collar (about $80), while Tommy Hil- 
figer's "performance pullover" comes in red ог 
black fleece-type fabric with a drawstring waist, 
adjustable cuffs and a logo nia ($175). New 
Boxer has introduced a wide-ribbed overshirt 
with a zip collar ($150). It comes in strong colors 
such as claret, moss green and amber. 


HOT SHOPPING: PALM SPRINGS 


January marks the official start of the season in this posh 
desert town that plays host to golf and tennis tournaments 


as well as the Palm 
CLOTHES LINE 


Springs Internation- 

al Film Festival, 

which runs from Peter Weller, best known as the 

January 5 through half-mechanical Robocop of the 

21. Dillon's (320 s, is glad to be all man again 

North Palm Canyon on-screen іп Scream- 

Drive): Exclusive ers and Woody Allen's 
Mighty Aphrodite. For 
his Saturday night Los 


beach and casual 
men's and women's 
Angeles jazz gigs with 


fashions. € Sports 
Fever (73360 High- 
way 111, #5): Cool 
skateboard threads 
and in-line skate 
gear ® The Estate 
Sale (4185 East Palm 
Canyon Drive): Re- 
sale collectibles that 
once were owned by 
celebs such as Gene 
Hackman. e Spec- 
tacular Shades (73- 
910 El Paseo, Palm 
Desert): More than 
2000 optical choices, 
including far-out 
frames by Matsuda 
and Gaultier. 


Jeff Goldblum, the ac- 
tor-musician swears 
by Armani suits: 
“Giorgio is both a ge- 


nius and a great guy.” 

He also “digs Kenzo 

ties and shirts” and 

rounds out his slick 

look with Bennis/Ed- 

wards footwear, “the 
best shoes in the world.” But the 
real scoop is his cologne: “For years 
I've worn а not-too-sweet body 
cream for women by Jil Sander that 
happens to smell great on men, 
confessed with a grin. “I've never 
told anyone before.’ 


THE BOOST 


ing hair this time of year is often a sign that 
winter weather is drying the life out of your 
locks. To compensate for the cold, try a body- 
+ building shampoo to clean and plump up 
your follicles. Stylists at New York's Oribe Sa- 
lon use Phytovolume shampoo with lobster- 
shell extract and other natural ingredients to 
dilate the hair shafts and add thickness. 
Nexxus Diametress, another salon favorite, 
uses panthenol to moisturize and increase 
the diameter of the hair shafts. Garden Botani- 
ka's Hair Thickening Shampoo combines pan- 
thenol and soy protein to build moisture, 
strength and fullness within individual hair 
shafts. Herbal-scented Vivagen Enrichment 
Shampoo promises to strengthen thinning hair 
with cationic protein polypeptides. And for control 2 
without heavy conditioning, use Charles Booth's Light Ê 
Thickening Tonic, a body-building gel. E 


Th 


3 


S T Y L E 


TUXEDOS 


M E T E 


OUT 


STYLES 


One- or two-button single-breasted or 
six-button double-breasted jackets 


Boxy jackets; triple-pleated trousers that 
balloon at the thighs; banded-collar shirts 


COLORS AND FABRICS 


DETAILS 


Solid black worsted wool trimmed іп 
satin, silk faille or grosgrain 


Medium-size black bow ties; vests; 
narrow-pleated shirtfronts 


Powder blue, navy or light gray; head- 
to-toe white; 100 percent silk or polyester 


Clip-on bow fies with matching 
cummerbunds; ruffled shirts 


Where & How to Buy on page 179. 


MAN’S GUIDE ing DIAMONDS 


NRE YOU оле of the TWO MILLION 
victims of engagement ring anxiety? 


@ Relax. Guys simply are not supposed to 
know this stuff. Dads rarely say “Son, let's talk 
diamonds? 

Ө Bur it's still your call. So read on. 

6) Spend wisely. It's tricky because no two 
diamonds arc alike. Formed in the carth millions 
of years ago and found in the most remote 
corners of the world, rough diamonds are sorted 
by DeBeers' experts into over 5,000 grades 
before they go on to be cut and polished. So be 
aware of what you are buying. Two diamonds of 
the same size may vary widely in quality. And if 
a price looks too good to be truc, it probably is. 
@ Learn the jargon. Your guide to quality and 
value is a combination of four characteristics 
called Tie 4Cs. They are: Cu/, not the same as 
shape, but refers to the way the facets or flat 
surfaces аге angled. А better cut offers more 
brilliance; 2/27. actually, close to no color is 
rarest; Clarity, the fe natural marks or. 
“inclusions” the better; Carat weight, the 
larger the diamond, usually the more rare. 
Ө Determine your price range. What do you spend on the one woman in the world who is smart enough 
to marry you? Most pcople usc the zwo mouths’ salary guideline. Spend less and the relatives will talk. Spend 
more, and they ll rave. 

(9 Watch her as you browse. Go by how she reacts, not by what she says. She may be reluctant to tell 
you what she really wants. Then once you have an idea of her taste, don't involve her in the actual 
purchase. You both will cherish the memory of your surprisc. 

@ Find a reputable jeweler, someone you can trust to ensure you're getting a diamond you can be proud 
of. Ask questions. Ask friends who've gone through it. Ask the jeweler you choose why two diamonds that 
look the same are priced differently. Avoid Joe's Mattress & Diamond Discounters. 

Ө Leam more. For the booklet, “How to buy diamonds you'll be proud to give; call the American Gem Society, 
representing fine jewelers upholding gemological standards across the U.S., at 800-341-6214. 

© Finally, think romance. And don't compromise. This is one of life's most important occasions. You want 
a diamond as unique as your love. Besides, how else can two months' salary last forever? 


Diamond Information Center 
Sponsored by De Beers Consolidated Mines, Ltd., Est. 1888. 
А diamond is forever, De Beers 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


INTRODUCING A costumed Greek chorus 
to chant, dance and mock human frailty 
in a modern romantic comedy might 
spell disaster for any moviemaker other 
than Woody Allen. Іп Mighty Aphrodite 
(Miramax), Е Murray Abraham heads 
the chorus and Allen calls the shots in his 
starring role as a sportswriter named 
Lenny, who shows up intermittently at 
an ancient amphitheater to question his 
fate. After Lenny and his wife (Helena 
Bonham Carter) adopt a baby, he feels 
compelled to locate the child's birth 
mother. She turns out to be Linda Ash, 
a.k.a. Judy Cum, an aspiring porn ac- 
tress and prostitute played with giddy 
poignancy by Mira Sorvino. “You didn't 
want a blow job,” she tells Lenny as their 
friendship progresses, “so the least I 
could do is get you a tie.” Sorvino virtu- 
ally walks away with the picture. There 
hasn't been a more winsome blonde bim- 
bo on the screen since Judy Holliday. 
Woody may be a tad old for his part, but 
who cares? Mighty Aphrodite is light as a 
feather, and any fun-loving Allen fan 
would be crazy not to catch it. ¥¥¥¥ 
. 


Jeff Bridges, perhaps the most under- 
appreciated male star in Hollywood, 
rides high again іп Wild Bill (United 
Artists). Writer-director Walter Hill's bio- 
graphical drama about the final days of 
Wild Bill Hickok is a Western as dark 
and cerebral as Clint Eastwood's Unfor- 
given. Together, Bridges and Hill are less 
concerned with action and violence than 
with the rueful burden of celebrity car- 
ricd by a gunslinger who's on his last 
legs. Bridges looks worn and scruffy as 
Wild Bill, doomed by young Jack Mc- 
Call (David Arquette), a gunman with a 
grudge and an itchy trigger finger. Di- 
ane Lane is effective as a woman from 
Bill's past, matched by John Hurt as his 
best friend. Ellen Barkin as Calamity 
Jane seems a bit 20th century in these 
Old West surroundings, as does Christi- 
na Applegate as a saloon call girl. Hill 
adapted Wild Bill from Thomas Babe" 
play Fatlers and Sons, which probably ac- 
counts for some residual staginess in the 
movie. Such minor flaws don't seriously 
damage a conscientious, gritty character 
study that pumps warm blood into a 
myth. ¥¥¥ 


The American President (Columbia/Castle 
Rock) is a timely political comedy that is 
more commercial than cutting edge. Di- 
rector Rob Reiner's wry look at a wid- 
owed U.S. president (Michael Douglas) 
and his new lover (Annette Bening) hits 


24 enough notes to be thoroughly enter- 


Barkin and Bridges: She's Wild Bill's Jane. 


The president takes a lady, 
Woody takes on the classics 
and Mia takes a powder. 


taining—if not for Christian Coalition 
types. The cast includes Martin Sheen as 
the prexy's chief of staff and Michael J. 
Fox as a feisty White House advisor. Oth- 
er aides are deftly played by David 
Paymer (see “Off Camera”), Samantha 
Mathis and Anna Deavere Smith. 
Richard Dreyfuss drips venom as a Gin- 
grich Republican who launches his own 
run for the White House by attacking 
the president's love life as an insult to 
family values. Screenplay author Aaron 
Sorkin (who adapted A Few Good Men for 
Reiner) lets his liberal leanings tip pre- 
cariously toward fantasy at times, espe- 
cially at a news conference where Doug- 
las has his staff, a cynical press corps and 
Bening cheering his forthright defense 
of gun control and an environmental- 
protection bill. Bening, of course, is a 
pro-environment lobbyist waiting for the 
lusty president to become worthy of her 
respect. Despite some corn, Bening and 
Douglas waltz through their courtship 
with assurance and flair. Asked what 
happened after the chief executive first 
made a pass at her, Bening replies dryly: 
“He had to go attack Libya.” ¥¥¥ 


As one of those daft, eccentric Irish 
yarns, Frankie Starlight (Fine Line) intro- 
duces a literate dwarf (played charming- 
ly by Corban Walker) who has written a 
book about his life. The titular Frankie 
recalls his mother, Bernadette (Anne 
Parillaud), a French stowaway who was 


put ashore from an American transport 
ship after World War Two. An Irish im- 
migration officer named Jack (Gabriel 
Byrne) becomes Bernadette’s lover and 
enchants her stunted son (Alan Pentony 
as the child Frankie) by talking about the 
cosmos. Then Jack moves away, and di- 
rector Michael Lindsay-Hogg somehow 
loses control of his story, his stars and 
every vestige of credibility. Bernadette 
becomes a glum, uncommunicative mar- 
tyr who marries an admirer from Texas 
(Matt Dillon) who takes her home. That 
sequence dwindles into emptiness be- 
cause Parillaud and Dillon behave as if 
they have hardly been introduced. How 
Frankie finally returns to Ireland to 
write it all down puts a real dimmer on 
Starlight. If you can buy all that, sit back 
and treat yourself to a bushel of pure 
blarney. ¥¥ 


The usual rules of logic are bent way 
out of shape in Reckless (Samuel Gold- 
wyn), which may be the kinkiest Christ- 
mas movie of all time. The stockings are 
hung by the chimney with care when a 
goody-goody named Rachel (Mia Far- 
row) hears her guilt-ridden husband 
(Tony Goldwyn) confess that it's not San- 
ta who is coming—it's the hit man he 
hired to kill her. Rachel escapes into the 
snow and embarks on a series of misad- 
ventures involving a suspicious social 
worker (Scott Glenn), his apparently 
deaf, paraplegic wife (Mary-Louise Par- 
ker) and sundry other weirdos. Director 
Norman René and writer Craig Lucas 
may have gone overboard in this malice- 
in-wonderland farce when Rachel loses 
the power of speech. She is subsequently 
shocked back to reality and becomes 
a therapist, ministering to a confused 
young man (Stephen Dorff) who may 
be her long-lost son. Go figure. After a 
sprightly start, it’s a hit-or-miss show, ti- 
tled Reckless for good reason. ¥¥ 

. 


Writer-director Henry Jaglom—with 
his wife, Victoria Foyt, as co-author and 
star—is at it again with Lost Summer іп 
the Hamptons (Rainbow Films), another 
group gala that plays like a slightly syn- 
thetic home movie. This time, Jaglom fo- 
cuses оп a weekend at the East Hampton 
country house owned Бу a vain, aging 
movie star (Viveca Lindfors, to the man- 
ner born) and occupied by her rambunc- 
tious family and friends. Scene-chewers 
all, they tend to be sexual manipulators, 
overanalyzed and under stress. Sharing 
camera time with Foyt and Lindfors are 
Roscoe Lee Browne, André Gregory, 
Brooke Smith and a guest list of prime 
hams—some of them rehearsing an out- 
door performance of The Sea Gull. Even 


Paymer: Enough of nice guys. 


OFF CAMERA 


After his 1993 Oscar nomination 
as Billy Crystal's loyal, misused 
brother in Mr. Saturday Night, David 
Paymer had a brief career slump. 
“The movie put me on the map, 
but I didn’t get a lot of work after 
that—until Quiz Show.” His role as 
the соп g TV entrepreneur 
Dan Enright seemed to prove that 
bad guys do fine. Since Quiz Show, 
Paymer has been busy playing 
power politics and generally push- 
ing the envelope as a son of 
a bitch. "That movie opened a 
whole new range of parts for me," 
he says. Paymer plays Michael 
Douglas’ manipulative White 
House pollster in The American 
President, press secretary Ron 
Ziegler in Oliver Stone's Nixon and 
chief of staff to New York mayor Al 
Pacino in City Hall. Lest he be 
typecast forever as a political play- 
thing, іп Get Shorty he's “a slcaz 
ball who chases women and lives it 
up after he hits it big with an in- 
surance scam.” He'll be suspect 
again in Unforgettable with Linda 
Fiorentino. “That's sort of a red- 
herring role. I'm an assistant coro- 
ner, and possibly a killer.” Paymer 
also co-stars with Tom Arnold in 
Carpool. “I play a good man but a 
bad father who is driving the Kids 
to school when Arnold highjacks 
us. We're basically the odd couple.” 

In real life, 41-year-old Paymer 
is married to actress Liz Georges 
and has a baby daughter. His first 
job on Broadway was in Grease. “1 
could sing a little and 1 could act. 
But I was a terrible dancer, a total 
Klutz.” He moved to Los Angeles, 
got cast as a mad cabdriver in The 
In-Laws and then did more than 
80 TV roles. His work as an ice- 
cream mogul in Crystal's City Slick- 
ers led to Mr. Saturday Night and his 
subsequent gigs on the dark side. 
“I never had stars іп my eyes. 1 
knew I didn't look like Redford 
Anyway, these weaselly characters 
are more fun. Who wants to be 
vanilla all the time?” 


Chekhov as a side dish offers far richer 
rewards than Jaglom’s amiable but self- 
indulgent garden party. ¥¥ 

. 


The befuddled heroine of When Night ts 
Falling (October Films) is Camille (Pas- 
cale Bussieres), whose unexpected at- 
traction to a circus performer named Pc- 
tra (Rachael Crawford) disrupts the lusty 
affair she is having with Martin (Henry 
Czerny, who played the abusive priest in 
The Boys of St. Vincent). Already on the 
carpet for misbehavior with Martin, a 
fellow theologian at the college where 
they both teach, Camille faces a tussle 
with her conscience before choosing be- 
tween the man she loves and the woman 
she wants. Writer-director Patricia Roze- 
s celebration of pleasure should 
intrigue viewers, whatever their sexual 
orientation. ¥¥/2 


Director Zhang Yimou and gorgeous 
superstar Gong Li, his favorite leading 
lady, have become a major force in mod- 
ern Chinese cinema. Though no longer 
an offscreen duo, both bump up their 
reputations in Shanghai Triad (Sony Clas- 
sics), a Thirties gangster saga that 
opened last year's New York Film Festi- 
val. The movie is shot from the view- 
point of 14-year-old Shuisheng (Wang 
Xiao Xiao), who's apprenticed to his un- 
clea powerful Shanghai godfather. It 
focuses on the boy and his relationship 
h a vain, bitchy nightclub singer and 
resident mistress (Gong Li, radiant as 
usual) of the avuncular yet ruthless gang 
lord Tang (Li Boatian). After a slow be- 
ginning, Triad rises to a fever pitch when 
an assassination attempt sends the boy 
and the faithless woman into exile on a 
remote island. There, the plot twists, 
turns and reveals every character's fear, 
passion and treachery, A chillingly poet- 
ic screen spectacle on a familiar theme, 
it's beautiful to watch. УУУУ» 

. 


The title role іп Georgie (Miramax) is 
played with cool pungency by Mare 
Winningham as a pop music star who 
sings up a storm of sibling rivalry. De- 
spite her amazingly fine voice, Winning- 
ham is second fiddle to Jennifer Jason 
Leigh. Director Ulu Grosbard lets Leigh 
bloom as Georgia's wayward sister Sadie, 
who is into drinking and drugs and her 
own, stunted, singing career. Although 
she has no voice, a will of iron keeps her 
screeching out her anger with pickup 
bands booked everywhere from crummy 
bars to Jewish weddings. The screen- 
play—written by Leigh's mother, Bar- 
bara Turner—allows some fine showcase 
performances, especially by Max Perlich 
as the starstruck delivery boy whom 
Sadie marries. Mostly, however, it's 
Leigh's turn to shout, strut and spin 
right into an Oscar nomination. ¥¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


| The American President (See review) 
More White House hanky-panky. ¥¥¥ 
Blue in the Face (Reviewed 12/95) The 
stars improvise but shine dimly. ¥/2 
Carrington (12/95) Through the Twen- 
ties with some bohemian Brits. ¥¥¥ 
Coldblooded (11/95) Would-be hit man 
Jason Priestley learns as he earns. ¥¥¥ 
Devil in а Blue Dress (10/95) Denzel 
dominates a deft Forties thriller. ¥¥¥ 
Frankie Storlight (See review) Life, love 
and malarkey ofa dwarf hero. ҰҰ 
Georgia (See review) Sibling rivalry 
simmers on the pop music scene. ¥¥¥ 
Get Shorty (12/95) Elmore Leonard's 
wry Hollywood caper comedy done 
to a perfect turn by Hackman, Tra- 
volta & Co. УУУУ 
The Grass Harp (12/95) Southern-fried 
eccentrics, Truman Capote style. YY 
How to Make оп American Quilt (12/95) 
Earnest sessions of girl talk. yy 
Kicking and Screaming (11/95) It’s the 
guys’ turn to talk—grads wondering 
wittily what comes after college. УУУ 
Kids (10/95) Teen sex in the city in 
Larry Clark's raw slice of life. ¥¥¥¥ 
Last Summer in the Hamptons (See re- 
view) Party time again for some of di- 
rector Jaglom's showbiz chums. УУ 
Leaving Les Vegas (12/95) Cage as a 
hopeless drunk and Shue as a street- 
| walker make for a winning pair of 
losers. wy 
Les Misérables (11/95) А revisionistic 
modern update of the classic—saved 
in part by a fine French cast. w 
Mighty Aphrodite (See review) Clearly 
оп a roll, Woody backs urban angst 
with a rollicking Greek chorus. ¥¥¥¥ 
Reckless (See review) Mia Farrow por- 


trays a matron in wonderland. УУ 
Restoration (Listed only) Balls in the 
court of Charles П. No score. y 


The Scarlet Letter (Listed only) A Demi 
disaster out of Hawthorne. Y 
Shanghai Triad (See rev 
gangdom starring Gong 
Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead 
(12/95) Crooks go West and pay for a 
fiasco with their lives. LUZ 
To Die For (10/95) As a bitch seeking 
ТУ fame, Kidman zooms. WI), 
Unstrung Heroes (11/95) Director Diane 
Kcaton's tearjerker really works. ¥¥¥ 
The Usual Suspects (9/95) A lineup of 
wrongdoers that you won't soon 
forget УУУУ 
When Night Is Falling (See review) A 
man and a perplexed woman who 
prefers a woman. WR 
Wild Bill (See review) Give Jeff Bridges 
another notch on his gun. yyy 


YY Worth a look 
Ұ Forget it 


УҰҰҰ Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


YOUR BASIC NIGHT OUT 


Basic Ba: 
It Tastes Good. 7% 


It Costs Less. == 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. ENE) 
Kings: 16 mg “tar,” 1.0 mq nicotine av. per cigarette by FIC method. 


VIDEO 


GUEST SHOT 


Jerry Lewis acts 
nine, looks 50 and is 
the proud papa of a 
three-year-old—yet 
he's been іп the busi- 
ness so long that 
Chaplin was his fan. 
"I'm fer from modest, 
but I'm uncomfort- 
able with the word genius," insists the 69- 
year-old nitwit savant. "Chaplin and Stan 
laurel, they were geniuses. Now Robin 
Williams is the only reason the word is in 
the dictionary." Lewis is frank about what 
he considers unfunny video fare (“Monty 
Python should be put to sleep—immeci- 
ately”), opting instead for “heavy-duty 
filmmaking” such as The Sting, Victor/Vic- 
toria and Stee! Magnolias. But the Kipling 
yarn Captains Courageous (1937) is his all- 
time favorite because of the “impeccable 
perfection” of its story. So out with it, Jer: 
What's the best Lewis lunacy on vid? 
“The Nutty Professor was a ten-year labor 
of love,” recalls the man who invented 
dumb and dumber. "It's my best work.” 
We agree. — omo sint 


VIDBITS 


Straight from its bow on public TV last 
fall comes Berlin: Journey of a City (Think 
Media), a one-hour documentary cele- 
brating the storied German metropo- 
lis—from its destruction during the Nazi 
regime to the infamous Berlin Wall par- 
titioning to reunification in 1990. The 
program includes historic footage and 
an interview with German president 
Richard von Weizsäcker ($19.98; 800- 
655-1998). . . . Cheap thrill of the 
month: Night Vision's Stripping for Your 
Lover ($19.95), а 60-minute vid tease 
(and payoff) featuring peelers Julie Ann 
and Janine, who claim to be “the most fa- 
mous stripping duo in the world.” High- 
light? The climactic, dirty pas de deux: a 
“blondage” routine. The home-vid 
version of Time Life’s ten-part Lost Сімі- 
lizations features scenes the buttoned-up 
execs at NBC never let you see when the 
network broadcast the epic last year. 
Among the restored items in this four- 
continent crash course on the world’s 
vanished cultures: sexually explicit fres- 
coes used by Pompeian prostitutes to 
boost sales, erotic Moche and Greek pot- 
tery and a reference to alcohol enemas 
taken by the Maya. NBC had also elec- 
tronically reclothed a nude model who 
was filmed to accompany the reading 
of an Egyptian love poem. Time Life 
has undressed her again, thank you 


28 ($159.99; 800-846-3843). 


QUIRKY CHRISTMAS 


Is It’s a Wonderful Life permanently tat- 
tooed onto your Yuletide spirit? Would 
you rather choke on mistletoe than 
watch Miracle on 34th Street again? Here 
are some holiday selections that will add 
a little tonic to your nog. 

The Nightmare Before Christmos (1993): 
Bizarre residents of Halloween Town 
take over Christmas in Tim Burton's 
spooky puppet fantasy. Top stop-motion 
animation, clever songs by Danny Elf- 
man and loads of macabre humor. 

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984): Slasher 
Santa goes on a slay ride, bringing 
Christmas stalkings. Low-budget horror 
with good script, decent acting and a 
nun who looks like Marcia Clark. 
Scrooged (1988): Hilarious Christmas Car- 
ol parody with Bill Murray as a vile TV- 
network executive who learns the true 
meaning of Christmas. All-star cameos, 
great special effects. 

Pee-wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special 
(1988): Surreal season's greetings from 
the playhouse gang. Who else could 
bring together Grace Jones, Charo and 
Annette Funicello? Where else could you 
hear someone announce: “It’s Little 
Richard—on ісе”? 

Three Godfathers (1948): John Wayne stars. 
in an oater version of the Three Wise 
Men tale, set in an Arizona desert. Sappy 
but beautifully shot by John Ford. 

The Ref (1994): Harried thief plays cap- 
tor—and shrink—to world’s most an- 
noying couple on Christmas Eve. Motor- 
mouth Denis Leary is the crook who 


disses the dysfunctional duo. 

Santa Claus Conquers the Mortians (1964): 
Aliens kidnap Santa. A cheesefest loaded 
with cheap sets, popgun weapons and 
costumes that look like plumbing sup- 
plies wrapped in green felt. Young Pia 
Zadora is a Martian child. 

A Christmas Story (1983): Little boy longs 
for the best present ever—a Red Ryder 
BB gun—in landmark dark comedy. 
Loaded with poignancy, bite and child- 
hood angst. Norman Rockwell meets the 
Simpsons. —REED KIRK RAHLMANN 


LASER FARE 


What makes a laser disc “deluxe”? De- 
pends on the manufacturer. MCA/ 
Universal’s special edition of Steven 
Spielberg's Schindler’s List includes a 
soundtrack CD, a souvenir booklet and a 
superb САУ, letterboxed transfer of the 
film. Meanwhile, the Voyager Criterion 
Collection edition offers running com- 
mentary by the movie maestro himself, 
along with script treatments, outtakes 
and stills. You make the choice. . .. Hot 
stuff—and cold—from Lumivision: Ring 
of Fire is a field trip to the volatile volca- 
noes of the Pacific Rim, enhanced by 
daunting aerial photography and com- 
puter animation; and Antarctica is a crisp, 
award-winning travelog of the frozen 
continent, from a crystal water cave іп- 
side the Chaos Glacier to the awesome 
sunsets of the South Pole. Although both 
films were shot in Imax format, they're 
still breathtaking on your laser player— 
just smaller. —GREGORY P FAGAN 


BLOCKBUSTER 
EN E 


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ies (homicidol stunner turns into olien before striking; 
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30 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


AN AMERICAN musical giant turned 80 on 
December 12 and his daughter, Nancy 
Sinatra, came up with one hell оҒа pack- 
age. A holiday gift book and birthday 
present, Frank Sinatra: An American Legend 
(General Publishing Group) is an ex- 
haustive chronology of his long and 
extraordinary career. With hundreds of 
intimate photographs and touching per- 
sonal commentaries, also available 
in a special collector's edition that іп- 
cludes four CDs. You read, he sings. 

This season has a long list of oversize 
books on music. The Inner World of Jimi 
Hendrix (St. Mai 's) by onetime fiancée 
Monika Dannemann features New Age 
paintings of the guitarist by Danne- 
mann, along with her reminiscences and 
photographs. In 260 photographs and 
exuberant prose, trumpeter Wynton Mar- 
salis conveys the joys of music in Marsalis 
on Music (Norton), an intelligent accom- 
paniment to his PBS ТУ series. The New 
Rolling Stone Encyclopedia of Rock & Roll 
(Fireside), edited by Patricia Romanow- 
ski and Holly George-Warren, is a fresh, 
well-illustrated revision (with 500 new 
entries) of the 1983 classic rock refer- 
ence. Life's Elvis: A Celebration in Pictures 
(Warner), by Charles Hirshberg, con- 
tains 128 pages of remarkable pho- 
tographs of the King, many unseen be- 
fore. Forget the dirty boogie or the twist: 
The Tango (Thames and Hudson) is the 
sexiest dance, and Ken Haas’ sizzling 
photographs prove it. 

Marc Chagall's Russian Jewish her- 
itage floats through Chagall: A Retrospec- 
tive (Hugh Lauter Levin Associates), 
edited by Jacob Baal Teshuva, with art 
reproductions and an excellent text. An- 
drew Wyeth: Autobiography (Bulfinch) pre- 
sents 138 of the artists most famous 
watercolor, tempera and dry-brush 
paintings, accompanied by interviews 
with retired Met Museum director 
Thomas Hoving about the interaction of 
Wyeth's art and life. Tom Feelings vivid- 
ly evokes the horror of slavery in his 
paintings of the journey from Africa to 
America in The Middle Passage: White 
Ships/Black Cargo (Dial). The sensual and 
sometimes shocking photographs of Rob- 
ert Mapplethorpe sparked a national de- 
bate over federal funding for the arts. 
Altors (Random House), a full-color com- 
panion volume to an earlier black-and- 
white collection, ought to give Senator 
Jesse Helms cause for a new rant. 

Eve Arnold: In Retrospect (Knopf) is a 
brilliant photomemoir because Arnold's 
revealing autobiographical text flows in 
perfect rhythm with 95 of her best pho- 
tographs. The unfolding beauty of Paris 
is the primary focus of the nostalgic pho- 
tographs in Robert Doisneau: A Photogra- 


Deck your halls with books. 


Holiday gift 
books: Music, Trekkies, 
sports and women. 


pher’s Life (Abbeville) by Peter Hamilton. 
Prayer to the Great Mystery: The Uncollected 
Writings and Photography of Edward S. Curtis 
(St. Martin's), edited by Gerald Haus- 
man and Bob Kapoun, is a treasure 
of Native American lore, illustrated 
with previously unpublished Curtis 
photographs. 

For your futuristic friends, you can't 
do better than The Illustrated Star Wars Uni- 
verse (Bantam) by Kevin Anderson and 
Ralph McQuarrie, or The Art of Star Trek 
(Pocket) by Judith and Garfield Reeves- 
Stevens. Anderson and McQuarrie take 
readers to the shrouded world of En- 
dor and to Dagobah, Yoda's mysterious 
swamp, with newly created art. The 
Reeves-Stevens book offers Trekkies a lor 
of never-before-published artwork from 
Star Trek's 30-year history. Also, from his 
home in Sri Lanka, science fiction writer 
and visionary Arthur C. Clarke sends us 
The Snows of Olympus: A Garden on Mars 
(Norton), a collection of computer-gen- 
erated images illustrating his bold theo- 
ry that we could colonize Mars by “ter- 
raforming" its landscape. 

There will be many celebrations of the 
centennial anniversary of the motion 
picture, but none will be more colorful, 
thorough or up-to-date than Chronicles of 
the Cinema (Dorling Kindersley), with a 
foreword by Gene el. In 100 Years of 
the Hollywood Western (General Publishing 
Group), Edd Whetmore and Jerry Har- 
rison take us back on the trail with the 
Duke and Clint with stills from silent 


one-rcelers, spaghetti Westerns and con- 
temporary films such as Unforgiven. In 
1973, when “the Disney version” meant 
more than T-shirts, Christopher Finch 
created the authoritative guide to The Art 
of Walt Disney (Abrams). Now, іп a revised 
edition, he takes us through the Eisner 
years and into the not-yet-released fea- 
ture The Hunchback of Notre Dame. And in 
Money, Women, and Guns (Citadel), Doug- 
las Brode provides a provocative analysis 
of modern crime movies from Bonnie and 
Clyde to Natural Born Killers. 

Green Bay Packer Forrest Gregg's ріс- 
ture on the cover of The Sports Photography 
of Robert Riger (Random House) suggests 
the power and emotion conveyed by the 
80 other photographs within. With an 
introduction by David Halberstam, this 
is the sports book of the year. For those 
couch potatoes who love to follow golf 
on ТУ, there is Golfwatching: A Viewer’s 
Guide to the World of Golf (Abrams) by 
George Peper. Arranged in chronologi- 
cal order are all 81 top golf tourna- 
ments—including the Masters, the PGA, 
the U.S. Open, the British Open, the Ry- 
der Cup, the Senior PGA Tour and even 
the “second season” of made-for-televi- 
sion events—with hole-by-hole paintings 
of each course, stats, rankings and tips 
оп what to watch for, 

H.L. Mencken declared it “the only 
American invention as perfect as а son- 
net,” and Barnaby Conrad III pays 
homage with a classic ten-to-one mix of 
anecdotal history and gin jokes in The 
Martini (Chronicle). As car lovers know, 
Fidel Castro unintentionally created the 
greatest American car museum in the 
world when he came to power. Cars of 
Cuba (Abrams) features full-color pho- 
tographs by Joshua Greene of those For- 
ties and Fifties Studebakers, Packards, 
De Sotos, Chevys and Caddies that still 
roll across the island. 

Holy huckleberries, another comic- 
book history! This time it’s DC Comics: Six- 
ty Years of the World’s Favorite Comic Book 
Heroes (Bulfinch) by Les Daniels, with 
more than 600 color illustrations of Bat- 
man, Superman, Wonder Woman and 
the rest of the cartoon panthcon. 

Finally, consider the sweet delights of 
Va Va Voom! (General Publishing Group) 
by Steve Sullivan, an homage to the 
“bombshells, pinups, sexpots and glam- 
our girls” of the Forties, Fifties and Six- 
ties. Then, compare it to the eroticism of 
the drag queens, cross-dressers, trans- 
vestites and transsexuals in London's 
contemporary club scene in Walk on the 
Wild Side (Barricade) by Jeanette Jones. 
Whatever they are, here's to your holi- 


day pleasures. 


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Y our clairvoyant Men columnist 
predicts the top 12 tabloid head- 
lines of 1996: 

January 23: DAVID LETTERMAN A SPY. 
David Letterman announced yesterday 
that he was a өру for the former Soviet 
Union. He also admitted that he is the il- 
legitimate son of Fidel Castro and Mari- 
lyn Monroe. “Why didn't my fans catch 
on?" he asked. "Didn't they see that my 
dad always sent me great cigars? Didn’t 
they notice that I inherited my mom’s 
figure? And what about my prosocialist 
humor? Didn't my audience get it? Evi- 
dently not, those pinheaded white-bread 
puny suburban pukes.” 

February 16: IT'S POWELL-BRADLEY IN 
1996. A new political ticket was born as 
General Colin Powell and Senator Bill 
Bradley pledged to seek the nomina- 
tions of their newly formed American 
Independence Party. To show their com- 
mitment to each other, Powell and 
Bradley were then officially married in а 
touching but private ceremony in Tren- 
ton, New Jersey. The groom wore his 
New York Knicks uniform and the bride 
wore his Gulf war cammies. 

March 17: CHICAGO BEARS ORDERED TO 
SIGN SHANNON FAULKNER. The Illinois 
supreme court told the Chicago Bears 
that Shannon Faulkner deserves a 
chance to earn a spot on the team's ros- 
ter. "Faulkner says she is in shape,” the 
decision read, "and we believe her. Be- 
sides, professional football, which re- 
ceives public tax benefits, has been a 
male-dominated vocation for too long." 

April 15: FEMINISTS DEMAND FEMALE-ON- 
Ly SELECTIVE SERVICE ACT. America’s femi- 
nist leaders led a march of 500,000 to 
the steps of the nation's Capitol today. 
“Draft women, not men!” they shouted. 
Spokesperson Patricia Ireland said, “We 
will not have equal rights in this country 
until women are subjected to the Selec- 
tive Service Act and men are released 
from it.” 

May 26: FORMER SENATOR PACKWOOD 
WINS INDIANAPOLIS 500, Racing without a 
vehicle, running on his own two legs, 
former senator Bob Packwood complet- 
ed the 500-mile Indy circuit ahead of all 
cars, edging out both the Penske and 
Kranefuss-Haas racing teams. Winded 
but still combative, Packwood explained 
hisamazing victory this way: "All I had to 
do was imagine Senator Barbara Boxer 
pursuing me and trying to kiss me. I ran 


32 like hell because she's been hot for my 


By ASA BABER 


butt for years. I never know when she's 
going to lip-lock me." 

June 19: MISBEHAVING HARD HATS TO BE 
DEPORTED TO CHINA. President Clinton's 
newly appointed secretary of labor, An- 
drea Dworkin, announced that any 
American construction worker who 
looks at a woman for more than two sec- 
onds while on the ¡ob will be immediate- 
ly deported by ship to China. When 
asked if female construction workers face 
similar consequences if they stare at men 
in the street, Secretary Dworkin said, "It 
would never happen. Women have an 
innocence and purity about them that 
men will never understand.” 

July 17: DOWJONES AVERAGE REACHES 
26.000. In a flurry of speculation, Bill 
Gates, the last solvent investor in Ameri- 
ca, pushed the Dow-Jones industrial av- 
erage to a new high as he cornered all 
the corporate stock in the country. 
“What difference does it make that 
everybody else is broke and out of the 
market?” Gates asked. He also ап- 
nounced that the portion of America he 
owns (i.e., all territory west of the Missis- 
sippi River) will henceforth be called 
Microsoftia. 

August 16: SADDAM HUSSEIN WILL HOST 
THE 1996 MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. Showing 
that peacemaking has advanced, the 
United Nations presented Saddam Hus- 


sein a multinational visa as he landed іп 
Atlantic City to host the 1996 Miss Amer- 
ica pageant. Hussein, still carrying his 
.45-caliber 'ol and surrounded by 
bodyguards, joined leaders from Serbia, 
Bosnia and Croatia in singing the line 
that made Bert Parks famous: “Here she 
is, Miss America.” While in the U.S., the 
group also plans to visit Disneyland. 

September 8: SHANNON FAULKNER WINS 
STARTING POSITION WITH THE CHICAGO 
BEARS. A startled Dave Wannstedt, head 
coach of the Chicago Bears, announced 
that Shannon Faulkner has beaten out 
Erik Kramer and Steye Walsh for the 
starting-quarterback position this year. 
“It was a fair competition,” Wannstedt 
said, “even if the defense wasn't allowed 
to tackle her and she was permitted 
to hand receivers the ball rather than 
Pass it.” 

October 8: CHINA REFUSES TO ACCEPT 
AMERICAN HARD HATS. In a setback to La- 
bor Secretary Andrea Dworkin’s policy 
toward lecherous construction workers, 
China turned back the U.S. passenger 
liner President Garfield. A Chinese offi- 
cial explained the abrogation: “Those 
guys had been drinking beer since they 
left Seattle,” he said. “There were so 
many hard hats pissing out of portholes 
that the ship looked like a fireboat. We 
could not accept men as ill-behaved and 
uncontrollable as that. ^ 

November 5: PEROT-LIMBAUGH WIN NA 
TIONAL ELECTION BUT REFUSE ТО MARRY. 
Saying they are defending traditional 
values, president-elect Ross Perot and 
his running mate, Rush Limbaugh, de- 
clared victory yesterday but declined to 
wed. “I find Ross to be a bit too skinny 
for my taste,” Limbaugh said. To which 
Perot countered, “Well you're no Sleep- 
ing Beauty yourself, Mr. Pompous Fatso 
Dittohead.” 

December 26: JERRY GARCIA GRATEFUL TO 
BE BACK FROM THE DEAD, Telephone and 
computer networks were flooded on 
Christmas Day with authenticated sight- 
ings of Jerry Garcia. The former leader 
of the Grateful Dead appeared last 
evening on The Faye Resnich Show to ех- 
plain his reincarnation. "I'm back from 
the dead, and from now on, I'll lead a 
sober Ше,” Garcia said. Nobody argued 
with him—not even Resnick, who asked 
Garcia if it is true that God looks like a 
hairstylist from Westwood. 


WOMEN 


І told Arthur, the Editorial Director of 

PLAYBOY, that 1 was getting laid. 
Alot. 

“So write about getting laid,” he said. 

“OK, no problemo,” I said. 

But now I have a big problemo. I'm 
afraid of writing about getting laid in 
PLAYBOY, the magazine of sexual free- 
dom for all. Afraid of the response of 
certain guys who will read this. Not you, 
surely, but some. 

I love sex in all its wondrous sweati- 
ness. (1 want to just casually call it fuck- 
ing, but I can't bring myself to. 1 would 
have no problem using it in a women's 
magazine, but none of those prissy 
women's magazines would let me.) Not 
long ago my partner and І were in а 
bookstore, and desire started to glow in 
my groin, making its way up to my stom- 
ach. I couldn't help myself, I just flew at 
him. Smashed into him like a bumper 
car. His face turned that sex pink and he 
said, “Shall we just do it right here?” 

We didn’t. We got home and watched 
a movie, which we paused while I took a 
shower. Then I put on my bathrobe with 
nothing under it, put a condom in the 
pocket. Sat down on the sofa, put the 
movie back on. Let my robe fall open. 
Took my foot and massaged his penis. 
Scooted away when he reached for me. 
Put my legs on his lap. Robe fell farther 
open. Scooted away again. He was be- 
ginning to perspire. “Not in the mood,” 
1 told him. He reached over and start- 
ed massaging my breasts. “Not in the 
mood,” I whispered. He sucked on my 
nipples. I pushed him away. Then 
grabbed his hand and pulled him to the 
floor and we fucked our brains out. 
(Well, how else am I going to put it? 
"Golden ecstasy washed over us as we 
made profound and glorious love”?) 

He's a big guy, Andrew is. Reminiscent 
of the village smithy. Brow wet with hon- 
est sweat, strong like iron bands (or 
something). Biggest muscles you ever 
saw. Also balding with glasses, with quite 
а пісе paunch on him. A friend fixed us 
up. I saw him for the first time when his 
truck pulled up across the street from 
my house. Naturally, I was sneakily look- 
ing out the window. He got out and I im- 
mediately thought, OK, ГЇЇ do him. 

But with his belly somewhat falling 
over his buckle, you wouldn't find him at 
a male strip show, where I went the oth- 
er night with Cleo on her birthday. 

It was one of the most terrible nights 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


SEX AND HOW 
TO GET IT 


of my life. Not because of the guys, 
though they were pretty bad. They 
had great bodies, especially one bur- 
nished boy named Cappuccino, but they 
looked so incredibly stupid bumping 
and grinding and licking their lips in а 
most exaggerated fashion. And when a 
white boy came out in a Superman outfit 
stuffed with balloon boobs, І really didn't 
know what to think. 

It was the women who were hideous. 
Shrieking. No, more like keening. If 
they had been опе decibel higher only а 
dog could have heard them, but no. It 
was like being at a Beatles concert in 
1965, only louder. Loud enough to split 
my head open, maybe. 

But were they turned on? Nope. Ihey 
were letting off steam. 1 was actually іп 
a large fetid room with many singing 
teakettles. They were out with their 
friends for showers and birthdays, and 
they were ready to get raunchy safely. 
One was supposed to hold a dollar bill 
over a friend's head to get the stripper to 
kiss the friend. Every single woman who 
was kissed made a face and wiped her 
mouth. If a stripper touched her оп апу 
part of her body, she shied away, which is 
quite the paradox. Women supposedly: 
screaming with lust were still loath to let 
strange men grope them. 

"The next guy out is going to be An- 
drew!" shouted Cleo above the roar. We 


pictured my sweet man prancing neo- 
naked onstage and convulsed with gig- 
gles. But he is the one I lust after, not 
those silly strippers. 

Because women are different from 
men. Тһе men who go to strip clubs аге 
pretty quiet, sitting there with hard-ons. 
They really are turned on. They want 
some lap dancing. They don't much care. 
who the woman is, because those auxil- 
iary sex glands in their eyes take over. 
Women have to know a guy. Is he smart, 
funny? Is he a bigoted asshole? My idea 
of a sex club would be cute long-haired 
guys in ripped jeans playing tortured 
blues guitar just for me, because only 1 
truly understand them. We would talk 
for three solid hours about everything, 
and then we would slide under the table 
and fuck. 

Goddamn, I said it again. I am going 
to get awful letters. Once Asa Baber 
wrote about how 1 gave him a blow job 
at a restaurant. I remember reading his 
column and getting dizzy with shock. At 
the end he confessed it was a fantasy, but 
by then it was too late. Many dumb hos- 
tile guys didn't read to the end. So 1 got 
letters: 

“So Asa finally got you on your knees, 
snotty bitch.” 

“Ha-ha, Asa did you, can I do you too, 
ha-ha?” 

“ГЇЇ show you a better time than Asa 
did. I'll get you screaming. Do you have 
big tits?” 

I don't think 1 ever told Asa that this is 
the primary reason I've been mad at him 
for about ten years. I think he was being 


just a teensy bit hostile. 


So Asa, sweet cheeks, this is why I've 
been somewhat aloof: Because I was ver- 
bally abused and violated, my sex drive 
closed down completely for months. My 
boyfriend at the time couldn't get near 
me. All my juices had dried up because 
of the way a few imbeciles were such. 
nasty, ridiculing dick brains. 

Well, anyway, that's been over for a 
long time, and now, when Andrew grabs 
my butt and pulls me against his crotch, 
I Aare up and melt in a lust puddle. 
There is nothing in the world, except for 
getting a new puppy, that is as furiously 
wonderful as getting laid. 

Please God, don't let Andrew say апу- 
thing mean or stupid. 


33 


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|8184 U! Цпзау Aeyy uawoy 1eufaid Ag 
Guryows : МІМНУ/МА S.1VH3N39 М039805 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


On a recent episode of Seinfeld, Jerry 
referred 10 “the move.” a sexual tech- 
nique that he uses to bring unspeakable 
pleasure to his partner. What do you 
think the move is?—M.W., Maryville, 
"Tennessee. 

If it works, it's the move. If it doesn’t, it's 
the move over. 


V have a large penis (nine inches егесі). 
My wife and I learned that her continual 
bladder infections were the result of it 
being bruised by my thrusting during 
sex. We solved the problem by having 
her wrap her hand around the lower 
part of my cock during intercourse. This 
gives me an even better orgasm because 
she strokes me and squeezes when she 
starts to climax. There isn't any position 
we haven't tried, and we are having sex 
more often than ever. Have you heard of 
this technique?—].S., Tampa, Florida. 
We have, but we like how you reinvented. 
the wheel to find creative and pleasurable al- 
ternatives. Thankfully, men with а few less 
inches to spare can also enjoy your method. 
From the missionary position, lean back un- 
til you are on your knees with your lover's 
legs draped over your thighs. Insert just the 
head of your penis into her vagina, then ask 
politely if she'll stroke your shaft, caress your 
balls and move the head of your cock in and 
out of herself, up and down her labia and 
against her clitoris. (Penis is just another 
name for big, thick finger.) Your lover сап al- 
so hold your shaft during intercourse; just 
part of your penis will enter her and she'll 
feel as if she’s controlling your thrusts. You'll 
have the unique sensation of a woman's 
hand around your cock as you slide in- 
side her. If a woman ever figures ош how to 
get her mouth down there at the same time, 
there won't be any need for this column. 


When 1 sent for some videos from 
Adam & Eve, an adult mail-order com- 
pany, it refused to ship them because it 
has “suspended shipment of sexually ex- 
plicit books, magazines and videos” to 
certain states. The company suggested I 
write my congressman, whatever good 
that does. Does this mean that I can’t or- 
der adult videos through the mail?— 
N.M., Birmingham, Alabama. 

You can always order sexually explicit ma- 
terial, but whether a distributor will risk 
sending it to certain federal districts in the 
land of the free is another matter. For the 
past decade, the Justice Department (egged 
on by the religious right) has been turning 
the screws on distributors, at one time using 
concurrent, rapid-fire prosecutions in efforts 
to shut down firms that couldn't afford.to de- 
fend themselves in court. Adam & Eve 
fought back. Its president, Harvard grad 
Philip Harvey, was acquitted of violating 
obscenity laws in North Carolina, and a fed- 


eral suit filed in Utah was dismissed after ап 
appeals court chastised prosecutors for filing 
it. Exoneration doesn't much matter in cases 
motivated by moral posturing rather than le- 
gal sense; the point is to bury defendants in 
attorneys’ fees until self-censorship becomes 
an offer they can't refuse. Hoping to avoid 
more court battles, Harvey now declines to 
send catalogs or products lo Indiana, Iowa, 
Kansas, Missouri, Utah or most Southern 
states. 


Ї read with interest your response to the 
reader who asked if what he eats affects 
the taste of his semen. You said it prob- 
ably doesn't. 1 disagree. My husband 
loves blow jobs, but I hate the bitter taste 
of his semen. So we tried a recipe we 
read in a newsletter called Batteries Not 
Included. In a juicer, blend a stalk of cel- 
ery and a third ofa fresh pineapple. My 
husband drinks six ounces of this con- 
coction every day. The trick is that celery 
and pineapple contain high concentra- 
tions of aspartic acid and the amino acid 
phenylalanine, the same ingredients 
used in sugar substitutes. What do you 
think?—G.A., Chicago, Illinois. 

Your recipe may not work for everyone, 
but it will prevent outbreaks of scurvy. 


When 1 got married last summer, 1 
was 21 years old and a virgin. On my 
wedding night, my husband practically 
had to force himself on me, I was so 
afraid. For months afterward, I felt no 
sexual arousal and froze whenever he 
approached me. Then last week, at the 
library, I stumbled on an excerpt from 
an anonymous bit of writing I assumed 
to be from the Victorian age: “Lara was 
lying nude across the naked laps of both 


ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO 


husbands. Paul was kissing his wife, 
while my husband stroked her thighs 
gently. Then, as if the men understood 
without speaking what each wanted. 
Paul gently propped his wife up and of- 
fered her breasts to my husband's lips, 
feeding him first one and then the oth- 
er.” Reading this, I could feel my cheeks 
getting hot. For the first time in my life, 
I felt an urgency and wonder about sex. 
How can I let my husband know that I 
want him to touch me and kiss me in the 
same way? I'm tired of missing out.— 
WG., Portland, Oregon. 

Great library. Your reaction to this bit of 
erotica was perfectly natural—it turned us 
оп too. Check the book out (if it hasn't al- 
ready been stolen) and after you and your 
husband have settled in for the night, pull it 
from under your pillow and tell him you're. 
going to read to him. If you find yourself 
freezing up, concentrate on the words rather 
than the erotic images they form. Tell your 
husband why you like the passage, namely 
that the men touched and caressed the 
woman slowly and sensually. You didn’t 
mention his sexual history, but we suspect 
your husband is inexperienced as well and 
needs to learn what turns you on. The best 
way for that to happen is for you to tell him, 
and reading erotica together is a step in the 
right direction. Your literary habits also in- 
dicate that you're curious and willing to ex- 
plore. That's all you need to have a fantastic 
and fulfilling sex life. 


This past summer my girlfriend and 1 
vacationed in the West Indies. At our ho- 
tel, we were surprised to find that the 
four-poster bed was elevated relatively 
high off the ground. I'm 5711” and my 
girlfriend is 571”, and we discovered 
quickly that I could stand at the edge of 
the bed with her lying on her back and 
the elevation was perfect for lovemak- 
ing. We had tied this position at home 
once before, but I had to bend my knees 
and it was uncomfortable. It occurred го 
me that the bed might have been de- 
signed for exactly that purpose. Was 
it?—K.M., Upton, Massachusetts. 
Function follows form. Beds in the West 
Indies and other lowland areas have tradi- 
tionally been elevated to avoid dampness and 
allow for air circulation in the heat. (It 
sounds like you generated some heat of your 
own.) If you plan to do the T-bone regularly, 
throw another mattress on your box springs. 


Б.с used a vibrator for masturbation, 
but now that I have a boyfriend, I'd 
like to use it when we make love. Any 
suggestions? —T.R., Cleveland, Ohio. 

We like how you think. Many people nev- 
er consider bringing out their vibrator un- 
less they're alone in bed. The latest title in 
Jay Wiseman's popular series of homespun 


35 


sex advice, “Sex Toy Tricks: More Than 125 
Ways to Accessorize Good Sex” (800-423- 
9494), includes some innovative ways to use 
a vibrator with a partner. If your device has 
а handheld control, for example, ask your 
boyfriend to take charge of the sensations as 
you stimulate yourself. Or have him take the 
vibrator and move its head in an arc from 
one thigh to the other, crossing over your vul- 
va. For his pleasure, try the "cheek lo cheek,” 
which Wiseman describes this way: “Take his 
penis in your mouth, then apply a vibrator to 
your cheek. Move the vibrator sensually from 
‘one cheek to the other. Touch it to your lips. 

Turn your head so that the head of his penis 
makes a bulge in one of your cheeks and then 
apply the vibrator to the bulge.” Add the ос- 
casional light touch to the underside of his 
dangling balls and watch out. Your inspired 
boyfriend may well bring his own vibrator 
next time. Write us again if he does. 


PLAYBOY 


А co-worker told me matter-of-factly 
that her husband often turns down sex. 
She's a knockout. Is he blind? I've heard 
of women rejecting men's advances but 
not the other way around.—C.H., Tuc- 
son, Arizona. 

Men are just as capable of saying "Not 
tonight, dear” as women, and they do. In one 
survey of 3100 Americans, 35 percent of the 
men versus 23 percent of the women said 
they had invented an excuse to avoid having 
sex. There are as many motivations behind 
refusing to have sex as there are relation- 
ships. Perhaps your co-worker's husband 
works long hours or suffers from depression, 
or maybe she just enjoys having sex more fre- 
queutly than he does (it happens). Sex could 
also be part of a power struggle if the mar- 
riage is going sour. If that's the case and she 
decides to move on, maybe she'll give you a 
chance not to say no. 


What is the proper reply when some- 
one asks if my girlfriend has had breast 
implants? Do I deny the obvious? 
Should 1 make up an excuse such as 
weight gain or pregnancy?—B.J., Seat- 
Че, Washington. 

If it's obvious, why are they asking? The 
best response might be: “Ask her yourself. 
She's used to dealing with big boobs.” 


Every time I perform oral sex on my 
girlfriend, she comes enthusiastically. 
But when we have intercourse, I never 
get the same reaction. Why is that?— 
D.G., Santa Monica, California. 

Many women need direct stimulation of 
the clitoris to achieve orgasm. They often 
don't get it through intercourse because the 
clitoris is situated up and away from the 
vaginal opening. Thanks to nerve endings 
in the labia and vaginal opening, many 
women find the feeling of a man inside them 
‘fulfilling, but that alone may not be enough. 
So lend a hand. You've probably noticed in 
adult videos that female performers often 
play with themselves during intercourse. Do 

36 the same for your girlfriend. Once she's 


aroused, slide your penis inside her, then 
“turn the page"—lick your thumb or index 
finger and gently tease her clitoris as you 
thrust. 


D. you have any suggestions for writ- 
ing a personal ad? I don't want to spend 
a lot of money and not get any respons- 
es.—N.T., New York, New York. 

А well-written personal ad will prevent 
you from being swamped with inappropriate 
responses, which сап be nearly as annoying 
as not getting any. Describe the traits that 
make you stand out in a crowd. Realize that 
every guy in the personals is aflectionate and. 
sensual and enjoys intelligent conversation. 
They're also fit, handsome, look younger 
than their age, love sunsets and have a 
refined sense of humor and superior listen- 
ing skills. Dig a little deeper. Instead of “go- 
ing to the movies" as a pastime, say that you 
“love comedies and Westerns” (if that's true, 
of course—don't set yourself up for a fall). 
Instead of “dry sense of humor,” say that you 
“can't wait for Larry Sanders to interview 
Spinal Tap.” Read other personals and 
mark those that stand out. What they'll have 
in common are delails that together form an 
enticing, well-rounded grab for attention. 
Whatever else you do, don’t use negative 
words such as lonely: How much fun can а 
lonely guy be? And don't include “scanning 
the personals” among your hobbies. 


How do you mend a broken heart?— 
PJ., San Francisco, California. 

How about this: Think about your former 
lover constantly. (You've tried to forget her, 
апа that hasn't worked.) We just read а 
study of 110 men and women who were 
asked by University of Virginia psychologists 
to bring to mind a past love. While one 
group spent eight minutes pining, the other 
group tried to suppress the memories. After- 
ward, the fingers of each participant were 
checked for sweat—a sign that their emo- 
tions had been working overtime. Those who 
had tried to suppress their memories were 
much more stressed. The research suggests 
that focusing on a recently lost love—think- 
ing about her, writing about her, talking 
about her—may make the affair lose its lus- 
ter more quickly. You'll also inspire your 
friends to fix you up with someone new, since 
you'll be boring them to tears. 


AA: a bar the other night, a woman said 
that she drinks vodka because it doesn't 
give her a hangover. Any truth to this?— 
R.L., Dayton, Ohio. 

There may be. Some of the discomfort of 
hangovers is caused by congeners, which are 
chemicals in alcohol created during the fer- 
mentation process. Of hard liquors, vodka 
and gin have the lowest congener content. 
Blended scotch is somewhere in the middle, 
while brandy, rum, single malt scotch and 
bourbon are loaded. As we've never been so 
Sophisticated as to rate our hangovers, pre- 
vention is the key. Eat before and after you 
drink, have a glass of water before hitting 


the sack (half of a hangover is dehydration) 
and try something sweet, such as honey or 
jam (fructose helps metabolize alcohol). Most 
important, drink in moderation. 


Д. least once a month, my husband 
makes love to me in his sleep. At first I 
tried to wake him as soon as I felt him 
grabbing for me. Now I don't bother, be- 
cause the one time he did wake up he 
was so startled that he lost interest and 
went back to sleep. Is this normal behav- 
ior?—S.S., Branson, Missouri. 

Sleepbonking? That’s a new one. There 
are dangers associated with somnambulism, 
but it sounds like your husband hasn't found 
any reason to leave bed. We suspect he’s 
putting you on. Wake him tonight with a 
zombie-like blow job. When he thanks you in 
the morning, say you don't remember it 


М, new girlfriend is shy when it comes 
to sexual matters, whereas I’m more 
open. I told her that my fantasy is to be a 
servant to her and another woman for a 
day. She objected. How can I assure her 
that playing out this fantasy would not 
change my feelings for her?—S.M., 
Madison, Wisconsin. 

You don't say what your girlfriend's objec- 
tions were, but perhaps you simply caught 
her off guard. Not only are you asking to 
bring another woman into your sexual rela- 
tionship, you want her to play master and 
slave as well. One thing at a time. Domina- 
tion is a common fantasy, but you should in- 
troduce it subtly by suggesting that you spend 
a quiet evening pampering her. Clean her 
apartment, take her dog for a walk, cook 
dinner, draw her bath. Make it a game. 
Challenge her to test your mettle. You may be 
surprised at how frisky she becomes if there's 
laughter involved. Some folks take this sort 
of thing very seriously, of course, drawing up 
contracts, vowing eternal submission and 
honoring detailed rules of engagemeni. For 
more on that scene, check out “Welts: Fe- 
male Domination in an American Mar- 
riage” (Fem-Suprem Books), which combines 
erotic fiction with tips on launching your 
master-slave relationship, including а зат- 
ple contract and the “50 Rules of Enslave- 
ment.” Rule number one: “You have given 
me complete power over you—and I won't be 
giving it back.” Tennis, anyone? 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing problems, taste and etiquette—uwill be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month, Send all 
letters to The Playboy Advisor, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
or by e-mail to advisor@playboy.com. Look 
for responses to our most frequently asked 
questions on the World Wide Web at 
hitp:/fuww,playboy.com/fag/fag.html. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


^ THE SEA LIES OF 
THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT 


how conservatives distort the facts of life 


“The great enemy of the truth is 
very often not the lie—deliberate, 
contrived and dishonest—but the 
myth—persistent, persuasive and un- 
realistic.” — JOHN F KENNEDY 


They lic. When Jimmy Swaggart 
ranted at the cameras in his televan- 
gelical tent that sex education classes 
promoted incest, it was a lie. When 
Jerry Falwell told followers of his 
Good Time Gospel show that “homosex- 
uals know they are going to die and 
they are going to take as many people 
with them as they can,” it was a Пе. 

Breaking the third and ninth 
commandments is business as usu- 
al for members of the religious 
right. On their television stations, 
in school curricula, through their 
think tanks and in our national 
newspapers they lie about sex. 
They lie so big and loud and so of- 
ten that many people assume they 
must be telling the truth. 

At every opportunity these liars 
construct a false and defamatory 
image of sexuality. Pat Robertson 
says “oral sex is against nature.” 
Anti-family-planning educator Fa- 
ther John McGoey tells a Human 
Life International Symposium 
that “there is absolutely nothing 
loving about sex. Lust is as de- 
structive of love inside of marriage 
as it is outside.” James Dobson, 
head of Focus on the Family, casti- 
gates “sex experts who say absti- 
nence but mean anything goes.” 
"Тһе American Family Association 
charges that school systems are 
“reshaping children's attitudes and 
behavior toward hedonism, hetero- 
sexual as well as homosexual.” 

Christian Coalition leader Ralph 
Reed can tell Ted Koppel on Nightline 
that “this is bestiality, pedophilia, 
child molestation. According to the 
Carnegie Mellon survey [of the Inter- 
net], one quarter of all the images in- 
volve the torture of women,” and go 
unquestioned. Michael McManus, a 
conservative columnist who wrote an 
introduction to the Meese Commis- 
sion Report, can use the same media 
moment to claim that “aberrant sex 
predominates. Sex between husband 


and wife can be beautiful. But that is 
not the image being pulled down by 
cyberspace users. What's sought are 
photos of deviant sex: women in 
bondage, being tortured. It is mas- 
sively harmful.” Never mind that a 
swift cruise on the Internet will refute 
such claims; most people aren't on- 
line. One has to ask: Whose sexual 
imagination is at work? What tor- 
tured thoughts go through their 
minds when they consider their own 
sex lives? 

It's easy to refute the sex lies of the 


right using data from biology, medi- 
cine, criminology and developmental 
psychology. But the right doesn’t use 
language to communicate facts about 
sex. Instead, it conveys emotions 
about sex—fear, hatred, self-disgust. 
Those emotions are far from what sex 
should and can be. Yet those emo- 
tions are shaping public policy. 

Take Swaggart's idea that sex edu- 
cation encourages incest. Listen to 
the emotion behind his message: Lam 


By MARTY KLEIN 


afraid of my own sexuality and that of 
my children. It is blame-shifting: An 
outside force creates incest. If the 
schools didn't do it, the devil will take 
the blame. Witness Bev Russell, a 
powerful member of the Christian 
Coalition, who began molcsting his 
stepdaughter Susan Smith when she 
was 14 or 15. According to news re- 
ports, he would come home from 
putting up campaign posters for Pat 
Robertson to fondle her. Smith grew 
up with a warped set of sexual val- 
ues—and drowned her two children 
in hope of keeping the love of a man. 
Her stepfather continued to have 
sex with her just months prior to 
the murders. Incest is a powerful, 
corrupt form of sex education. 
Images offer an easy way out. 
But it wasn’t an image that 
prompted Father Bruce Ritter 
(founder of Covenant House and 
a member of the Meese Commis- 
sion) to reportedly fondle 
boys on couches, or 
that encouraged Jim- 
my Swaggart to hire 
Prostitutes so he could look up 
their dresses. A sex expert dis- 
cussing the birds and bees was not 
what drove Jim Bakker to climb 
on top of a young secretary in a 
hotel room at a religious confer- 
ence. They do not explain the 
thousands of children who are 
molested by priests and pastors. 
The religious right sees sexuali- 
ty as an external force, a threat to 
rationality, authority, religion and 
marital fidelity. A devilishly clever 
energy, sex continually manifests it- 
self in new ways. Fashion ads. Rap 
music, Sex education. Soft-core porn. 
Videos. Phone sex. Fully clothed 
cheerleaders at high school football 
games. 

Once you believe sex is an outside 
force, you look for it everywhere— 
which is a textbook definition of para- 
noia. How else to explain the obses- 
sive search for temptation that causes 
someone to find the letters sex in a 
few frames of The Lion King, or the 
naked breast of a sunbather in a 
Where's Waldo puzzle? 

Sometimes the obsessive fears of 


37 


the right are comic: The American 
Family Association in Florida forced 
the passage of an ordinance banning 
nude sunbathing on a beach near Cape 
Canaveral with the explanation, “It will 
allow you and your family to walk with- 
out fear of being offended, or worse, 
physically attacked by nude or partially 
nude persons.” Beware, beware of the 
naked man. 

Clearly, the religious right and its co- 
horts are dreadfully frightened of their 
own eroticism, They struggle against 
their fleshly desires, but they cannot 
deny that their flesh desires. They may 
loathe their fantasies of legs, breasts 
and mouths, but they cannot banish 
the images. They preach that desire is 
weakness, And their own weakness ter- 
rifies them. 

To overcome this emotional conflict 
they project their terror onto 
others: I'm not the bad one, 
you are. I'm not afraid of me, 
I'm afraid of you. Repelled 
by their own sexuality, they 
loathe and thus fear others’ 
sexuality. And as a misplaced 
attempt to control their own 
eroticism, they try to control 
others’. That’s how we get a 
Randall Terry telling Opera- 
tion Rescue supporters, “I 
want you to let a wave of in- 
tolerance wash over you. We 
are called by God to conquer 
this nation.” 

The key consequence of 
these lies is a personal and 
cultural environment of fear 
of sexuality, especially male 
sexuality. People learn to 
mistrust their eroticism, 
which leads to suffering, act- 
ing out, self-repression and the 
desire for salvation. Feeling the need to 
protect self, family and community, 
people turn to institutions (such as the 
church and conservative political orga- 
nizations) that acknowledge this fear of 
sexuality. The resulting culture of fear 
and mistrust fits perfectly into the 
right's political-moral worldview. Satan 
already exists, as do temptation, the 
battle for good and evil, a theory of 
human guilt, an infallible instruction 
book and an angry, asexual god. The 
right can integrate any new sexual 
phenomenon (phone sex, cyberporn, 
etc.) into its existing model (tempta- 
tion, immorality) and proposed solu- 
tion (repression). 

Most recently we have the Reverend 
Donald Е. Wildmon charging that 
Calvin Klein ads are “child porn,” 
and insisting that they be investigat- 
ed by the Justice Department. Only a 


mind obsessed with sex could perceive 
child porn in images of fully clothed 
teenagers mostly doing nothing. 

While the Calvin Klein ads may 
strike you as tasteless, creepy or simply 
hot, they are not sexual abuse or 
exploitation. Wildmon, however, de- 
mands that the Justice Department go 
through photographer Steven Meisel's 
files to see what else happened at the 
shooting of the commercials. Calvin 
Klein is the best thing that ever hap- 
pened to the zealous and priggish 
Wildmon. The reverend wants the feds 
to go after every magazine that ran the 
print ads and go after every city that 
had the images plastered on the sides 
of its buses. Are you now or have you 
ever been aroused by a Calvin Klein 
ad? In all of the coverage of this issue 
only a handful of columnists had the 


courage to describe the crusade as non- 
sense. Child porn is a new form of red- 
baiting. Since no one can seem to be for 
child porn, no one will rise to defend 
the accused. 

Wildmon is outraged by images of 
underwear—because those images fo- 
cus attention on sexual anatomy. That 
which underwear conceals, it reveals. 
At some point, underwear ceases to be 
atool of personal hygiene and becomes 
part of our erotic vocabulary. Cotton 
briefs become lingerie in sexual awak- 
enings. And that is exactly what upsets 
Wildmon: He thinks, I must draw the 
line here, or I will lose control. He can- 
not admire, fantasize, express awe or 
warm his soul over nature's heat. If he 
had his way, Calvin Klein's penance 
would be to design underwear that 
could not be removed until the wearer 
was 21 and married. 


And so Wildmon sponsors clinics for 
porn addicts—devoted to the notion 
that even the briefest exposure to sex 
leads inexorably down the path to 
debauchery. What others call sexual 
growth, or discovery, Wildmon views as 
a force of satanic proportions. 

Wildmon's own approach to sex ed- 
ucation is a comic book (distributed by 
the AFA) called God's Quiet Voice. In it, a 
young boy wrestles with the choice of 
looking at a classmate's collection of 
pinups. A pastor tells the boy, "Jesus 
would have been upset if you had 
looked at that magazine. We wouldn't 
want that, would we?” 

The boy answers, “No way! 1 don't 
want to do anything to upset Jesus, 
"cause he died on the cross to forgive 
me of my sins!” 

Thisis an agonizingly simplistic view. 

Phyllis Schlafly, head of the Ea- 
gle Forum, says, “The facts of 
life can be told in 15 min- 
utes.” She also says, “Sex edu- 
cation is robbing children of 
their childhood.” But the sex 
lies of the religious right are 
sex education. Imagine the 
brainwashing that led three 
12-year-olds to write a letter 
to the Chicago Tribune that 
reads, “We watched The Lion 
King and unfortunately, we 
saw SEX spelled out in acloud 
of dust. We can't believe Dis- 
ney would do such a thing! 
Little kids watch this movie. 

Now you can't even watch a 

movie without being faced 
: with pornography!" A spell- 
fing bee becomes pornogra- 
į phy? No doubt these kids 
will grow up to be sexually 
healthy adults. 

"The right's picture of pure, nonerot- 
іс humans is a fantasy, a yearning for 
a simple, guilt-free existence without 
ambiguity or moral conflict. It idealizes 
this imaginary state and urges us to 
protect ourselves from any lust that 
might crawl across our virtue. 

Having scared people about others” 
sexuality, the right promises to rectify 
the situation. It will take your fear seri- 
ously and tell you exactly what to do, 
feel and believe. It will press legislators 
to limit the sexual choices you can 
make. It will continue to find new in- 
stances of sexual danger and keep you 
informed of the ever-growing scourge. 
It will seek and destroy all temptation. 
This last is the most dangerous lie 
of all. 

If the members of the religious right 
are unable to control themselves, 
should we let them control America? 


ІЛЕ: “Condoms do not protect 
you from AIDS.” 


CONGRESS FOUNDATION 


ee SEX LI 
EF 


FACT: Even the worst R 


quality condom is “10,000 
times better in terms of re- 
ducing exposure to HIV” than un- 
protected sex, 

— DR RONALD CAREY, FDA 


Ж 


LIE: “At first the girl (and guy) 
[who choose abortion] may feel re- 
lieved that they no longer have to 
worry about the responsibilities of 
parenthood. But in the long run, 
they will feel guilt, depression and 
anxiety . . . making it nearly im- 
possible for her ever to forget the 
abortion.” 

—Sex Respect HIGH SCHOOL 

CURRICULUM 


FACT: “A review of more than 
250 studies of possible psychologi- 
cal effects of abortion by the U.S. 
Surgeon General and the Ameri- 
can Psychological Association 
found that abortion does not cause 
short-term or long-term negative 
effects for the majority of women 
undergoing the procedure,” 

—Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex 


M 


LIE: *How do people become pe- 
dophiles? Usually, pornography 
walks you down that path until you 
get to the place where you've seen 
everything that a man and a 
woman can do together, and then 
you make that little jump over to 
perversions." 
—JAMES DOBSON, FOCUS ON THE 
FAMILY 


FACT: "The FBI has no evidence 
that pornography causes crimes. 
Pedophilia has absolutely nothing 
to do with adult pornography." 
—FBI AGENT KEN LANNING 


Y 
10 


| 


y 
ü 
Қ 


ІЛЕ: “Too much sex education 
too soon causes undue curiosity 
and obsession with sex.” 
—BEVERLY LAHAYE, CONCERNED 
WOMEN FOR AMERICA 


FACT: After taking a Planned 
Parenthood-approved course, 
“teens were more likely to delay 
initiation of sexual intercourse; 
and when they did initiate it, they 
decreased their levels of unpro- 
tected sex by 40 percent.” 

—Family Planning Perspectives 


X 


LIE: “Gays and lesbians live per- 
verted, twisted lives that feed upon 
the unsuspecting and the іппо- 
cent, like our children.” 
— THE REVEREND LOU SHELDON, 
TRADITIONAL VALUES COALI- 
TION (Sheldon produced 
a video, Gay Rights/Special 
Rights, that claims gays are 
18 times more likely than 
straight people to be child 
molesters.) 


FACT: “In this sample [of 352 
evaluated children], a child's risk 
of being molested by his or her rel- 
ative's heterosexual partner is 
more than 100 times greater than 
by someone who might be iden- 
tified as being homosexual, lesbian 
or bisexual." 

—C. JENNY ET AL., Pediatrics 


y 


ES 


LTE: “Sex education classes 
are like in-home sales par- 


ties for abortion.” 
—PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY 


E 
UTED 


FACT: *Most sex educa- 
tion classes in the U.S. do 
not discuss abortion. In fact, 
in many states such discussion is 
prohibited." 

—LESLIE KANTOR, DIRECTOR, 
SEXUALITY INFORMATION 
AND EDUCATION COUNCIL. 
OF THE US. 


LIE: "Cyberporn is pervasive. 
Half of 8.5 million downloads in- 
volved child pornography and 
83.5 percent of the images seen оп 
Usenet, a part of the Internet, 
were pornographic." 

—MICHAEL MCMANUS, COLUMNIST 


FACT: According to the Carnegie 
Mellon study, pornographic image 
files represent three percent of all 
messages on the Usenet news- 
groups. As for kid porn, the re- 
search found no images depicting 
hard-core sex acts with children. 


a 


LIE: “There is no way to have 
premarital sex without hurting 
someone.” 

—Sex Respect CURRICULUM 


FACT: “The vast majority of 
Americans have intercourse before 
marriage. There is no evidence 
that this damages individuals or 
marriages.” 

—LESLIE KANTOR, SIECUS 


M 


LIE: "Feminism encourages wom- 
en to leave their husbands, kill 
their children, practice witchcraft, 
destroy capitalism and become les- 
bians.” —PAT ROBERTSON 


FACT: Try consulting your near- 
est reality. 
Y 


y 


39 


Е 


Е R 


DEADLY CODES 


I thought I was special, but 
after reading “Тһе Death of 
Common Sense” (The Playboy 
Forum, September) 1 realize my 
experience was not at all 
unique. Recently a boat that 
was docked in front of my 
home had extensive work done 
that resulted in fiberglass parti- 
cles getting in my home (very 
itchy), on the dock, in the ocean 
and on my patio furniture. I 
called the Coastal Commission 
(they don't speak English), the 
Air Quality Management Dis- 
trict (they lost my message and 
called me two weeks after the 
work subsided), the manage- 
ment company in charge of the 
docks (they didn't want to lose 
the boat's owner as a tenant) 
and Beaches, Parks and Har- 
bors (voice mail—my call was 
never returned). No one at City 
Hall was quite sure what it was 
in charge of. This was a rude 
awakening and disappointing 
experience in how “efficiently” 
government and management 
companies operate when some- 
one is doing something clearly 
illegal and environmentally 
harmful. 

D.J. Germann 
Huntington Harbor, 
California 


In "The Death of Common 
Sense," Philip Howard refers to 


FOR THE RECORD 


LAP DANCE LAW 


"(a) Being nude except for wearing an open 
shirt or blouse, (b) fondling her own breasts, 
buttocks, thighs and genitals while close to the 
customer, (c) sitting on a customer's lap and 
grinding her bare buttocks into his lap, (d) sit- 
ling on a customer's lap, reaching into his crotch 
and apparently masturbating the customer, (е) 
permitting thc customer to touch and fondle 
her breasts, buttocks, thighs and genitals, (f) 
permitting the customer to kiss, lick and suck 
her breasts, (g) permitting what appeared to be 
cunnilingus.” 


laws—which lead to proper jus- 
tice—erode into a mishmash of 
overcomplicated and unen- 
forceable legislation. Perhaps 
the insanity will end when peo- 
ріс make their dissatisfaction 
heard through their right to 
vote. Until then, may God help 
us all. 

Bob Cross 

Montreal, Quebec 


Lagree wholeheartedly with 
what Howard is saying. Gov- 
ernment should take responsi- 
bility for where taxpayers’ 
money goes. We are a misdi- 
rected society being led by the 
misdirected. The government 
doesn't need to step back and 
analyze the issues affecting this 
country—that's been going on 
for hundreds of years. If our 
fearless leaders don’t have a 
handle on it by now, it is time 
for the government to take 
a backseat to the American 
people. 

Brian Smith 
Cambridge, Massachusetts 


It is apparent that, in recent 
years, the human race has been 
trying to rid itself of the stupid- 
ity gene. What I don’t under- 
stand is Uncle Sam's dogged 
determination to nurture it. 
The idiot population would be 
drastically reduced if we elimi- 


a building-code clevator re- 
quirement that apparently 
thwarted a charitable project in 
New York City that would have 


provided shelter for 64 home- 
less men. Howard points to this 
as an example of how the gov- 
ernment fails us, asserting that “the 
homeless would gladly walk up a flight 
of stairs.” As a quadriplegic, 1 am fre- 
quently confronted with inaccessible 
buildings, and I applaud laws that 
make this society more wheelchair- 
friendly. Granted, such requirements 
are expensive, but they are necessary if 
there is to be any real commitment to 
integrating the physically challenged 
into the mainstream. Thus, it is not 
the law that offends common sense, 
but rather the assumption of shared 


mobility. 
р Richard Condon 
Trumbull, Connecticut 


—LAP-DANCING PRACTICES DESCRIBED BY A TORON- 
TO JUDGE AS ALLOWABLE WITHIN COMMUNITY 
STANDARDS OF TOLERANCE, MAKING TORONTO. 
THE ONLY CITY IN NORTH AMERICA WHERE LAP- 
DANCING IS LEGAL 


Howard's book is a breath of fresh 
air. I hope our lawmakers and leaders 
take the concepts seriously instead of 
waving them around, making promis- 
es—there is no telling how much mon- 
ey could be saved or how greatly our 
quality of life could be enriched. I say 
give it a shot. 

Richard Fought 


Knoxville, Tennessee 


Howard hit the nail on the head re- 
garding the sad state of the law in to- 
day's overregulated society. I am par- 
ticularly discouraged to see meaningful 


nated warning signs for the ob- 
vious, such as the warning that 
"ingestion of engine parts may 
prove hazardous." When some- 
one dies from diving into a 


pool without checking the 
depth, electrocutes herself with 
a curling iron in the tub or 
chokes on a cue ball placed in his 
mouth, he or she gets what he or she 
deserves. It's not cruel. It’s evolution in 
action. 

Jim Rogers 
Petersburg, Virginia 


SAFETY ІМ LIBERTY 

With regard to Walter Briggs’ re- 
sponse on the Randy Weaver case in 
Idaho (“Overkill,” Reader Response, The 
Playboy Forum, September), it is difficult 
to think that one should contemplate 
giving up individual rights, as Briggs is 
apparently ready to do, in the name of 


RARER S 


public safety. I am neither ready nor 
willing to give up my rights for any 
purpose. One bombing does not a to- 
talitarian state make. Big Brother has 
shown us his perspective on public 
safety in Idaho and Waco. The last 
thing that needs to be handed over is 
any type ofauthoritarian power. While 
1 don't share Briggs’ views, there are 
several countries that do: Iraq, China, 
Colombia and Angola, to name a few. 

Steven Miller 

Beverly Hills, California 


то Walter Briggs, my only reply is in 
the words of another: “Anyone who 
surrenders an essential liberty for mo- 
mentary safety loses both and deserves 
neither” 


Ron Jorgensen 
Austin, Texas 


VOICES FOR CHOICE 

Among the letters in your September 
Reader Response, one caught my eye. 
R.S. Schoembs writes that “People 
should start taking responsibility for 
their actions. Stop the excuses." My 14- 
year-old sister just started ninth grade. 
She's not old enough for a job. She still 
plays with Barbies. She's also six weeks 
pregnant. Should she be expected to 
take responsibility? Would pro-lifers 
really want their preteen and teenage 
daughters to go through a nine-month 
pregnancy and hours of labor, not to 
mention the probability of a disrupted 
education? I think not. Abortion is a 
woman's choice that should stay a 
woman's choice. 


Susan Rogers 
Tulsa, Oklahoma 


This entire abortion issue comes 
down to three simple things: women's 
human and civil rights, people who be- 
lieve in those rights and people who try 
to keep women from exercising those 
rights. It is sad to see that there are so 
many people in the world who consid- 
er women inferior to men and, there- 
fore, not worthy of the right to choose 
what to do with their own bodies. 
There is nothing more sacred than a 
woman’s right to choose. 

Ricardo Emanuel 
Fanzeres, Portugal 


If I were a pregnant woman and ап 
organization were to prevent me from 
obtaining an abortion (a legal service), 
1 would sue that organization for the 


Р O 


S 


full projected cost of having and rais- 
ing the child. 
John Smith 
Belleville, New Jersey 


ONLINE HARASSMENT 
Your Internet site is a great comple- 
ment to the magazine, but you may be 
victims of the movement to scour cy- 
berspace clean. After logging on to 
your World Wide Web page through 
the Cal State University system, I re- 
ceived an e-mail message from some- 
one claiming to be “Big Brother@ 
watching.you." It read: “Pervert! You 
are using college system resources to 
fulfill your kinky leather and lace 
fetishes. Log out and buy the maga- 
zine, would ya?” Now I'm afraid to log 
on. Do you know if anything can 
be done? 
Alison Jackson 
Studio City, California 
Immediately inform your university's 
computer system operator. Because the Cal 
State system, like most owned and operated 
by cash-strapped universities, must work 
within limited bandwidth and space, its op- 
erators discourage students from using the 
network for anything other than educational 
purposes. Knowing that your university ас- 
count has been compromised, you should 
consider subscribing lo a commercial service 


that puts more value on your privacy for a 
few bucks. 


admi: 


— эш 


. Sales for the Richard Nixon postage stamp have been as sluggish as his | 
of the truth. But Thom Zajac, publisher of the Santa Cruz Comic 
News, came up with a way to put Tricky Dick behind bars—where some folks 
say he belonged all along. To order your own Nixon envelopes or stamps, con- 
. tact Tricky Envelopes, PO. Box 8543, Santa Cruz, CA 95061, 408-426-0113. . 


CAPITAL CRIMES 


‘Thanks to Erwin Fuchs for pointing 
out the flaws in Leigh Dingerson's аг- 
gument against capital punishment 
(Reader Response, The Playboy Forum, Oc- 
tober). Recently, three Bangladeshi 
were caught with illegal drugs in Dubai 
and were beheaded as permitted by 
law. In the U.S. we spend millions of 
dollars and countless years to imple- 
ment some sort of a rehabilitation pro- 
gram that, more than likely, will prove 
ineffective. Fuchs is right when he 
states that punishment, when swifily 
and consistently enforced, has ап un- 
deniable impact. 

Ed Munir 

Eagan, Minnesota 


Erwin Fuchs’ comments regarding 
the death penalty in Singapore and 
Saudi Arabia are true. With no consti- 
tutional protection from cruel and un- 
usual punishment, these people are 
not remotely free. 

Richard John 
Staffordshire, U.K. 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime phone number. Fax number: 312- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com. 


_ Log 


41 


To. 


Мим 
> руы 
p The ias 


Once Bain, Par 
Preside 


tha, 
ampa; 


tors is On jes 


TRANGE 
BEDFELLOWS 


an imaginary memo 
from the ridiculous right 


parody 
By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


7 
; 


4, 
ok 

e e 
a 


— A g 


ы 
Y 


IN ELW 


ЭОК 


O° aN et 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


NEW HOLLAND, PENNSYLVANIA— Police 
charged a 55-year-old man uith involun- 
tary deviate sexual intercourse for getting 


it on with cows. An officer arrived on the 
scene і find the man, wearing nothing but 
shoes, inside a barn "molesting the heif- 
ers.” The cops assumed the encounter was 
involuntary without questioning the cows. 


LODI, NEW JERSEy— Christians sharing 
the communal chalice could walk away 
with more than spiritual awakening—they 
may also be swapping germs. A scientist at 
Felician College simulated a communion 
service to study the transmission of mi- 
crobes and found that more bacteria con- 
taminated the wine when participants 


sipped from the cup than when they dipped 
the wafer. 


FESTUS, MISSOURI—When a motorist 
discovered that his auto collision occurred 
when the other driver lost control of his ve- 
hicle because his girlfriend bit him during 
a blow job, he got mad. The driver was ini- 
tially charged with careless and imprudent 
driving—a misdemeanor. Though the 
wreck involved то booze, the man, whose 
wife died in the crash, got Mothers Against 
Drunk Driving to pressure the county 
prosecutor into bumping up the charge 


and attempting to prove reckless conduct. 
That could lead to a trial and a man- 


slaughter conviction. 


LoNDoN—The delightfully liberal Brit- 
ish Broadcasting Corp. got itself in hot 
water recently with England’s television 
watchdogs. The BBC was rebuked for 
“Confessions,” a bogus game show in 
which contestants were rewarded for crim- 
inal and antisocial behavior such as run- 
ning over a policeman, setting a woman's 
hair on fire and burying a tortoise alive. 
Channel Four also upset the Broadcasting 
Standards Council by airing “Pot Night,” 
а spoof marijuana-gardening program. 
Authorities said the program was so 
straight-faced it appeared to promote at- 
home cannabis cultivation. The commo- 
tion has the British government working 
on a revised charter that will oblige the 
BBC to “avoid offending good taste and 
decency.” 


WASHINGTON, D.C.— The U.S. Patent 
Office awarded a Pennsylvania couple a 
patent for a condom that changes colors in 
the event of a tear. The inventors came up 
with а three-level design incorporating a 
middle layer of dye that turns bright green 
or purple if a puncture or break exposes it 
to air. Presumably, instructions on how to 
notice the change while in the throes of 
passion are included. 


NEW YORK Crrv—Adults father at least 
half the babies born to teenage mothers, ac- 
cording to a study by the Alan Guttmach- 
er Institute. The survey, involving some 
10,000 mothers interviewed from 1989 to 
1991, runs counter lo the conservative 
charge that teens rut with other teens after 
being brainwashed by sex ed classes. The 
newly discovered age gap may be an in- 
dicator of a greater tragedy—abuse by 
predatory adults. 


SIDNEY, NEBRASKA—Four adults who 
allowed their daughters to be tattooed have 
been released from charges of felony child 
abuse after prosecutors failed to show any 


harm had come to the children. The girls, 
ages 11 to 13, consented to have the proce- 
dure done. Guess they'll need a judicial 
ruling if they opt for nose rings. 


NEW YORK Crrv—A psychologist at 
Gundry-Glass Hospital in Baltimore con- 
cluded that sex and violence in music 
videos do not seem to influence the sexual 
or social attitudes of college students. La- 
Tine Else, who conducted the research at 
the University of South Dakota, said she 
was surprised by the results. Else gathered 
some 150 male and female students to 
watch videos that emphasized either sex, 
sex and violence, major violence or neither. 
The researcher said that while exposure to 
such programming may affect younger 
children, and while previous studies indi- 
cate attitude changes occur after viewing 
R-rated films, the images shown on MTV 
aren't strong enough to influence college- 
age viewers. 


WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Tax 
Court held that William Richardson could 
not legally deduct the $36,000 he had do- 
nated to himself as a tax-exempt religious 


organization. Richardson argued that he 
qualifies as a church because he believes 
in the Bible. “It is evident,” the court 
ruled, “that a church cannot, for federal 
income tax purposes, consist of just one 
individual.” 


"TM & Copyright © 1995 Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved 


Introducing 


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Exactly how 


Reporters Notebook 


WHAT WE LEARNED AT RUBY RIDGE 


yes, the fbi screwed up. but randy 


When the FBI screws up, as it did in 
the assault on Randy Weaver's cabin at. 
Ruby Ridge, Idaho and the massacre at 
the Branch Davidian compound in Wa- 
co, innocent people get killed. But the 
larger cost is that these screwups create 
martyrs—and myths that will not die. 

We live by myths. Our politics are 
driven by them, and for many Ameri- 
cans the above incidents now form the 
core of a profoundly felt worldview in 
which the U.S. government is the enemy. 
"They have fueled a militia movement at 
war with electoral democracy and due 
process. In virtually every state there are 
clusters of armed, angry people who 
tend to lend a sympathetic ear to viru- 
lent racists. Outrage over the govern- 
тет action at Waco allegedly drove а 
couple of pathological losers to Okla- 
homa to commit that notorious terrorist 
act. The Sons of Gestapo supposedly re- 
sponsible for the Arizona Amtrak derail- 
ment cited the FBI and ATF as enemies. 

Overlooked is that the government 
was not the principal cause of the earli- 
er deadly confrontations: Weaver and 
David Koresh were. In their mad alien- 
ation, they led those who trusted them to 
their deaths. Weaver has conceded that 
he’s “not totally without fault,” that he 
should have surrendered on the illegal- 
gun-sale charge and had his day in 
court, Despite his suspicions of the U.S. 
legal system, a jury of his peers acquitted 
him of the far more serious charge of 
killing a U.S. marshal. However ill-ad- 
vised the strategies used against him, 
Koresh got his people killed by stone- 
walling federal agents who had warrants 
to enter his property. 

People who now want to make Weaver 
an American folk hero ought to take a 
hard look at the neo-Nazi ideology this 
man has been associated with. This is a 
guy who took his family to the infamous 
services of the racist, anti-Semitic Aryan 
Nations in Hayden Lake, Idaho. When 
he was holed up in his cabin he sent out 
a message that he wouldn't surrender to 
the “Zionist-occupied government,” his. 
term for the U.S. government. He is an 
adherent of the Christian Identity move- 
ment, which views Jews as agents of the 
devil and racial minorities as subhuman. 

We're not talking the America of Abra- 
ham Lincoln here. This is a man who 


weaver's still a fascist 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


detested all democratically elected au- 
thority in this country, from the local 
sheriff to the president of the U.S. In- 
deed, Weaver had moved from Iowa to 
Idaho to be part of a white-separatist na- 
поп, thus subverting the very idea of a 
United States. There is nothing patriotic 
or American about neo-Nazi ideas that 
trace their roots back to fascist Germany. 

This does not mean that the federal 
authorities in question should be exon- 
erated of crimes or even errors in judg- 
ment. Weaver was not a clear and pres- 
ent danger to the safety of others. The 
feds should have waited him out. Wea- 
ver’s innocent wife, misguided son and a 
federal marshal just doing his job died as 
a result of the FBI's overreaction. The 
evidence now shows that the same mis- 
take was made in Waco by overzealous 
agents. There was no reason to crush 
people who were trying to find their 
god, as peculiar as their path may have 
seemed. Any danger Koresh posed to 
the outside world or to the children in- 
side the compound was vastly overshad- 
owed by the tank assault that left 80 
Branch Davidians dead. 

But it is a long and dangerous leap 
from criticizing the terrible actions of a 
democratically elected government to 
calling for its overthrow. Feeding on le- 
gitimate frustration with the govern- 
ment’s errors does not justify taking this 
nation down the lawless, racist path fol- 
lowed by Nazi Germany. But that's what 
has happened. These incidents have 
now been seized upon by neo-Nazi 
groups as excuses to organize a crusade 
against the government and to extend 
their influence within militia groups. 

The weirdest and most dangerous of 
the country's fringe political groups 
have been emboldened by Waco and Ru- 
by Ridge to unite and wumpet their 
bizarre claims. This past summer, neo- 
Nazis held a convention—complete with 
Sieg heils and Hitler mustaches—at Hay- 
den Lake, not far from Ruby Ridge. 
Were it just a matter of psychopaths wor- 
shiping genocide in the woods some- 
where, it could be dismissed. But these 
same groups have made alliances with 
more-mainstream militia units. Accord- 
ing to Aryan Nations founder Richard 
Butler, there are now branches of the 


group in 30 states. John Trochmann, 
founder of the Militia of Montana, has 
spoken at the Aryan Nations compound 
in Idaho. 

Links between neo-Nazis and the mili- 
tias have been documented by the Anti- 
Defamation League and by Klanwatch, 
both of which have a history of king 
fascist movements. The Aryan Nations 
and many of the militias distribute the 
same material and urge members to use 
the same format when gathering "intel- 
ligence" information on government 
agencies and on civil rights and media 
organizations. 

“The fringe groups are spreading be- 
cause of economic dislocation. There arc 
plenty of Randy Weavers and Timothy 
McVeighs who are having a hard time 
making it in today's economy. Although 
poorly educated and unskilled, they 
have been raised to think it is their 
birthright as white males to have access 
to the good life. When they don't get it, 
someone else is to blame. Weaver sold 
sawed-off shotguns because he couldn't 
make a living, and today he lives off So- 
cial Security checks from the same gov- 
ernment he condemned. The only real 
job McVeigh could land was in the Army. 

Janet Reno may be the identifiable vil- 
lain, but at root it’s democracy that is 
hated. And the federal government isn’t 
their only target. These people are 
against any democratically elected of- 
ficials they don't like, including those on 
the state and county levels. Samuel Sher- 
wood, leader of the Idaho-based United 
States Militia Association, told the Associ- 
ated Press on March 10, 1995: “Civil war 
could be coming, and with it the need to 
shoot Idaho legislators.” Even Newt Gin- 
grich and the Reverend Billy Graham 
show up on some militia hit lists. 

Growing paranoia, combined with se- 
cret training for insurrection, can start 
a country down a slippery slope. There 
is nothing humorous, heroic or folksy 
about fascism, While it always starts slow- 
ly with middle- and lower-class alien- 
ation that may have some legitimate 
bases in social grievances, it leads in- 
evitably to the hunt for scapegoats, and 
it ends with genocide. 


47 


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wines JOHNNY DEPP 


a candid conversation with america's quirkiest actor about kate moss, river 
phoenix, his offbeat films and why he likes to stick strange things in his pants 


Johnny Depp looks тойеп. Or so he says. 
The women on Sunset Boulevard would 
surely disagree. Many of them would marry 
him on the spot, But then Depp seldom bows 
to majority opinion. As he lights another cig- 
arette and drinks more coffee at a bookstore 
café on Sunset, his attention fliis to a bee—a 
killer bee encased in Lucite. It's one of many 
oddball souvenirs he receives from friends 
and admirers, Bugs are serious business to 
Depp, who collects exotic paraphernalia. His 
career—the other subject under discussion at 
the table—is taken more lightly. Acting, he 
explains, is nothing but “making faces for 
cash.” Others take his work more seriously. 
Depp is “one of the great young actors,” says 
European director Emir Kusturica. Marlon 
Brando, Vincent Price and Faye Dunaway 
have said the same. Brando says that Depp 
should do Shakespeare, while Dunaway 
claims he is both a superb actor and a super 
kisser. The on-screen Depp is the world’s 
greatest lover; offscreen he’s a famed ro- 
mancer of actresses and supermodels. “He 
doesn't belong in show business,” his “Ed 
Wood” co-star Sarah Jessica Parker once re- 
marked. “He belongs somewhere better.” 
Lasse Hallstróm, who directed him іп 
"What's Eating Gilbert Grape,” says, “Не 
has real ambitions, but he is deeply afraid of 


“I cook for a supermodel. Contrary to what's 
been written about Kate, she has a healthy 
appetite. That girl can put away a plate of 
bacon. And you're looking at a guy who 
cooks a fine plate of bacon.” 


being considered pretentious.” 

And one other thing: He looks great in 
adress. 

At 32, Johnny Depp is entering the heart 
of what he calls, with casual self-depreca- 
tion, “my quote-unquote career.” His is a 
goofy oeuvre, perhaps most impressive be- 
cause he’s carved a unique niche without 
mahing а box office hit. Thus far, the Ken- 
tucky-born Depp has made misfit movies. He 
was a boy monster in “Edward Scis- 
sorhands, " top-hatted oddball in “Benny & 
Joon,” keeper of a retarded brother in 
“Whats Eating Gilbert Grape” and the un- 
sinkable cross-dressing director in “Ed 
Wood.” Nobody plays human frailty like 
Depp. Even though he made women swoon 
in “Don Juan DeMarco,” he played the fa- 
bled lover as а committed loon. 

His new films are John Badham’s “Nick of 
Time,” in which he plays an accountant 
turned assassin, and “Dead Man,” an eerie 
Jim Jarmusch Western that is scheduled for 
release later this year. Even after opting for 
“Dead Man" over the slick epic “Mobsters,” 
а choice that cost him millions of dollars, he 
was criticized when he signed to star in Bad- 
ham’s thriller: Industry watchers thought he 
was doing “the Keanu thing,” forgoing his 
traditional quirky roles for а commercial 


blockbuster. But for Depp, “Nick of Time” is 
no typical action flick. It’s one of the first 
films since Hitchcock's “Rope” to tell its tale 
in real time, each screen minute equaling 60 
seconds of his character’s strife. And it’s his 
task in the film lo gun down a female gov- 
ernor. Still, thriller is as thriller seems, and. 
if the film is a hit, Depp will probably be 
charged with cynicism. 

That’s one crime he has not committed. 
Drug use and hotel abuse, perhaps, but not 
calculation. Which may be why Depp made 
the difficult transition from teen hunk on 
TV's “21 Jump Street” eight years ago to 
film star. Along the way, he has escaped the 
trivia heap by making brave, eccentric movie 
choices. Imagine David Cassidy as Gilbert 
Grape. Picture Kirk Cameron as an assas- 
sin. Or beiter yet, consider Richard Grieco, 
Depp’s megacool “Jump Street” co-star, as a 
name anyone would recognize. 

Depp can be equally defined by the roles he 
didn't take. He reportedly spurned Keanu 
Reeves’ part in “Speed,” Brad Pitts role in 
“Legends of the Fall” and Lestat in “Inter- 
view With the Vampire.” Of course, Tom 
Cruise played Lestat—a neat twist, because 
Cruise is said to have refused the role of Ed- 
ward Scissorhands because Edward, while 
cutting edge, wasn't handsome. 


“Maybe I should do what Brando did 30 
years ago. Buy an island. Maybe tahe my girl 
and some friends and just go there and sleep 
and think clear thoughts. Because you really 
can't do that here. You can't be normal.” 


“I shed tears when I heard someone had 
died. It wasn’t until later that they told me it 
was River. It's so sad. Now I'm starting to 
feel like I'm on The Barbara Walters Spe- 
cial.’ Are you going to make me cry?” 


49 


PLAYBOY 


Depp says he respects Cruise but has 
no interest іп “the Tom Cruise thing"— 
box office godhood. He сап now command 
$4 million per film but often takes far less for 
pet projects, including his friend Jarmusch's 
“Dead Man.” 

He has danced to his own drummer since 
his 1984 debut in “А Nightmare on Elm 
Street.” in which he got sucked through a bed 
into hell. Along the way he has fallen for 
some of America’s most desirable women. He 
has had offscreen relationships with Jennifer 
Grey (“Dirty Dancing”) and Sherilyn Fenn 
(“Twin Peaks"). А rumored liaison—public, 
if not pubic—with Madonna was follawed by 
а notorious engagement to Winona Ryder 
and the requisite tattoo, WINONA FOREVER. 
When they broke up, he had the tattoo re- 
moved a letter at a lime; at one point it read 
WINO FOREVER. 

Today he and his latest love, übermodel 
Kate Moss, are the prom king and queen of 
young Hollywood—beautiful, thin chain- 
Smokers with an air of sex and tragedy. Or 
call them, thanks to their morbid humor, the 
new Gomez and Morticia. Johnny once made 
a shrine in his movie-set trailer, placing can- 
dies around a photo of Kate with a bride of 
Frankenstein hairdo. 

Their hangout, the Viper Room on Sunset 
Boulevard, which Johnny co-owns, was the 
scene of River Phoenix’ fatal overdose in Oc- 
tober 1993. The horror of that Halloween 
has faded, and today’s Viper Room more 
than ever resembles its owners: notorious 
and nice. "It's a fun place agai h 
passing the strip of cement where Phoenix 
died, "but you never forget. " 

Depp is all about his past. In 1970, when 
he was seven years old, his family left Ken- 
tucky for Miramar, Florida, where the Depps 
moved from house to house and sometimes 
lived in motels. Depp's father took off when 
Johnny was 15. His mother, Belly Sue, 
worked as a waitress, and Johnny counted 
her tips after work. He also developed a 
fierce devotion to society's outcasts. 

In high school he was suspended for 
mooning a teacher. Shortly after that he 
dropped out and worked pumping gas. 
Once, trying to learn to breathe fire like cir- 
cus performers, he blew a mouthful of gaso- 
line at a flame. His eyes lit up as the blaze 
raced toward him—then his eyebrows and 
hair lit up, too. He barely escaped. 

To “get an identity” (and meet girls) he 
joined а band. He played guitar with the 
Kids, a group that was good enough to open 
for the Ramones, the Talking Heads, Iggy 
25. They went to Los Ang 
les to make it in the big time but flopped in- 
stead. Depp needed work. That's when Nico- 
las Cage, а pal from the music scene, said, 
“You should meet my agent.” 

Depp auditioned for director Wes Craven. 
Legend has it Craven's daughter. with whom 
Depp тап lines that day, fell in love with the 
new kid in town. He шоп а role in Craven's 
“Elm Street,” which led to “Private Resort,” 


50 а 1985 teen sexploitation pic in which his 


bare buit played second banana to then-un- 
known Rob Morrow. Next came stardom. 

As a narc on “21 Jump Street,” Fox TV's 
first hit, Depp became a poster boy to female 
teen America. He hated every minute of it. 
As soon as he was free of his contract, he spat 
on his “Jump Street” image by starring in 
John Waters’ spoof "Cry-Baby." 

The grungy offscreen Depp is fascinated 
by the macabre. He is a student of the nether 
zones of biology and the extremes of abnor- 
mal psychology. (He recently bought Bela 
Lugosi's old house for $2.3 million.) He col- 
lects skeletons, paintings of scary clowns 
and, as mentioned, bugs. As with his work, 
there is a twitchy humor to his collectibles, 
his conversation, even his arrests. They re all 
funny if you view them as һе does—as brief 
excursions on our common march to the 
graveyard. In 1994 he was jailed for trash- 
ing а $1200-a-night suite in New York 
City's Mark Hotel. Handcuffed and led by 
police to a sidewalk jammed with reporters 
demanding his reaction, he nodded toward 
the cops and said, “Pue met some really nice 
people.” 

Is Depp а nice person? We decided to 
send Contributing Editor Kevin Cook (0 find 


There is a monofilament 
running through the guys 
Гое played. They are 
outsiders. They're people 


society says aren't normal. 


out. His report: 

“Johnny Depp often runs late. To him, а 
watch would be а handcuff. So 1 was pleased 
when he showed up less than an hour after 
the time we had arranged. He shook my 
hand and apologized, saying he had run his 
motorcycle into a pink Ford Escort. 

“He led me into the quiet, dark Viper 
Room—black walls, mirrors, black uphol- 
stered booths. The booths are marked with 
brass plaques engraved with the names of 
preferred guests and a warning to interlop- 
ers: DONT FUCK WITH IT. The place was 
empty in the early afternoon. We went down- 
stairs to Depp's sanctum, where we sat on а 
couch near a closed-circuit TV that monitors 
the club above. We talked all day. I was im- 
pressed by his intelligence and earnestness, 
He was often tongue-tied, struggling to shoe- 
horn his convoluted thoughts into sentences, 
Watching him grope for words, I couldn't 
help rooting for him to unearth the mots 
justes he was trying for. 

Я minor point: Depp's Viper Room co- 
owner, Chuck E. Weiss, who happens to be 
Ihe eponym of Rickie Lee Jones’ song ‘Chuck 
Es in Love,’ has joked that Johnny is such 
an artistic, sensitive person that he "sits on 
the toilet and pees like a woman." But it's not 


so. We did about a minute of this interview 
in their club's men's room, and I can assure 
you he's a stand-up guy." 


PLAYBOY: You have only one urinal. Does 
the Viper Room men's room get crowd- 
ed on weekends? 

DEPP: [Nods] It used to get wet. There was 
a guy who would somehow sneak in here 
with a monkey wrench. He would loosen 
anuton the urinal so that when the next 
person flushed, water would go every- 
where. It was like Niagara Falls. You had 
people running from the bathroom, slip- 
ping, security guys sprinting over to 
throw down towels. This happened fair- 
ly regularly for weeks, and I came to re- 
spect the toilet guy. I liked his method, 
his consistency. He clearly took pride in 
toilet sabotage. But then it stopped, and 
I kind of miss him. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you call the place the 
Viper Room? 

БЕРР: After a group of musicians in the 
Thirties who called themselves Vipers. 
They were reefer heads and they helped 
start modern music. [Lights a cigarette] 
You know one great thing about having 
your own club? You get free matches. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have any plans to quit 
smoking? 

DEPP: Nah. I think if you find something 
you're good at, you should stick with it. 1 
have switched to lights, though. It got to 
where I would wheeze going up a flight 
of stairs, so I went to diet cigarettes. 
PLAYBOY. You've been accused of selling. 
out—“doing the Keanu thing," as one 
critic said—for making Nick of Time. 
Depp: Who cares? I’m interested in story 
and character and doing things that 
haven't been done a zillion times. When 
I read Nick of Time 1 could see the guy 
mowing the grass, watering his lawn, 
putting out the Water Wiggle in the 
backyard for his kid, and І liked the chal- 
lenge of playing him. He's nothing like 
me. And I wanted to work with John 
Badham because he made Saturday Night 
Fever and invented some interesting 
ways of shooting. Nick of Time is a thriller, 
and it gives me a chance to play a 
straight, normal, suit-and-tie guy. 
PLAYBOY: If you wanted big money you 
could have also made Mobsters, a poten- 
tial hit. You've turned down other main- 
stream films for movies such as Dead 
Man. How much did that one pay? 
DEPP: Less than my expenses during the 
shoot. But it's a poetic film. 1 did Dead 
Man so I could work with Jim Jarmusch. 
I trust Jim asa director and a friend and 
a genius. 

PLAYBOY: How do you see your career? 15 
it something you're sculpting as you go 
along, a body of work? 

DEPP: It's more primitive. I look at 
the story and the character and say, 
“Can І add any ingredients to make а 
nice soup?” In some sense there is a 
monofilament running through the guys 
I've played. They are outsiders. They're 


"NOLINdIDLINV 34nd 


PLAYBOY 


people society says aren't normal, and I 
think you have to stand up for people 
like that. But I didn't plan it, It's not like 
Thad to play them. Except for Don Juan, 
I had to play that guy, and Edward Scis- 
sorhands. 1 loved Edward. He was total 
honesty. Honesty is what matters, and 1 
have an absurd fascination with it, 
whether it means being true to your girl, 
your work or yourself. 

PLAYBOY: You weren't on the list for Scis- 
sorhands until Tim Burton met you and 
was won over. Did he ever say what һе 
detected in the former star of 21 Jump 
Street? 

DEPP: Tim isn't the type to verbalize it, 
but in snippets of conversations he has 
said it had to do with my eyes. My eyes 
looked like I carried more years than I 
had lived. He also felt my looks were de- 
ceptive, because I wasn't what people 
thought. 

PLAYBOY: What was that? 

DEPP: Oh, whatever catchphrase they sew 
onto your back. 

PLAYBOY: Heartthrob? 

DEPP: Yeah. Or confident actor. 

PLAYBOY: Are you a method actor? Are 
you in character between takes? 

DEPP: No, and I don't buy it when a guy 
says, "You must call me Henry the 
Eighth. Even when I go get a Dr Pepper 
Iam Henry the Eighth!" I can't see that. 
If you're truly in character it becomes 
unconscious. If you realize you're in 
character or say you are, then you're 
fucked. It means that you're satisfied, 
and that's the worst. 

PLAYBOY: Your eccentric films make peo- 
ple wonder if you're allergic to box office 
success, Aren't you tempted to make one 
big score, one Batman, to bankroll your 
pet projects? 

DEPP: That demon has visited me. He's 
my best pal. He says, "Look, make two 
movies that are obvious commercial ve- 
hicles, blockbusters, and you'll have the 
freedom to do smaller independent or 
experimental films. You can build an 
audience and bring it into that new 
world—open some minds." I've thought 
that, but I don't believe it. I would feel 
untrue to myself, untrue to the people 
who appreciate the choices I've made. 
For me the career thing has to be a little 
purer, more organic. 

PLAYBOY: And you are happy with your 
choices? 

DEPP: Maybe I was trying to do movies 
for good reasons—to make something I 
believed in—but I never thought of 
them as small, eccentric films. To me, Ed 
Wood wasn't a small film even if it ulti- 
mately made ten dollars. 

PLAYBOY: You were shooting Divine Rap- 
ture, an unusual film co-starring Marlon 
Brando, when financing collapsed, pro- 
duction stopped and everyone was sent 
home. 

DEPP: That sucked. One minute we're 


52 filming, the next minute there's no mon- 


ey. It was like being in the middle of sex, 
right at the peak, and a guy walks in with 
a gun: “Stop it now.” That's when you 
feel shitty, because you remember it’s the 
movie business, based on money. 
PLAYBOY: Brando used to say he was so 
disgusted with the business that he 
didn’t care anymore, he just wanted the 
money. 

DEPP: If he could do that, I applaud it. If 
I could do a bunch of movies and make 
zillions of dollars and not care, why not? 
I just can’t do it now. It’s probably 
ridiculous the way I talk about honesty 
and shit when really, what am I being 
true to? Some company. A bunch of guys 
who invest in a movie. They buy the 
product and distribute it. That's not so 
pure. It’s art and commerce, oil and wa- 
ter, and here I am in some sort of artistic 
frenzy. Maybe I'm just very naive. Twen- 
ty minutes from now ГЇЇ probably say 
fuck it and sell out completely. 

PLAYBOY: Do you remember the first time 
you saw yourself on-screen? 

DEPP: I got sick. I went to see dailies on 
Nighimare on Elm Street. Y was 21, and 
didn't know what was going on. It was 


He wanted me to 
go home and mediate his 
divorce. Now, that stuff goes 
too far. You want to say, 


“Can't we just kiss?” 


like looking in a huge mirror. It wasn't 
how I looked that bothered me, though I 
did look like a geek in that movie. It was 
seeing myself up there pretending. 
PLAYBOY: And you heayed? 

DEPP: I didn't actually vomit, but 1 felt 
like vomiting. 

PLAYBOY: These days when Hollywood 
makes you sick, you and Kate Moss run 
off to London or Paris. What are you es- 
caping from? 

DEPP: Fame, celebrity—it’s not such a big 
deal in Europe. People seem to under- 
stand that you just have a weird job. 
They're not running after you trying to 
сагуе chunks out of you. It's strange іп 
the States. Most fans here are great, but 
there's a handful who have seen the 
movies and feel they know you. They 
think it’s all right to touch you and ask 
personal questions. 

PLAYBOY: Like we're doing now. 

DEPP: But I’m selective about my inter- 
views. I may quit doing them, too, be- 
cause I always feel violated afterward. 
And stupid, for talking about myself for 
hours and hours. 

PLAYBOY: You want the job but not the 
flashbulbs. 


DEPP: Look, І used to work construction. 
I've pumped gas and sold T-shirts in my 
adult life, and there's nothing worse 
than some rich actor saying, “ОН, my life 
is so hard.” Гтп lucky to have this job. 
And celebrity, fame, whatever that stuff 
is, is a hazard of the job. Maybe 1 should 
do what Brando did 30 years ago. Buy 
an island. Maybe take my girl and some 
friends and just go there and sleep. And 
read and swim and think clear thoughts. 
Because you really can't do that here. 
You can't be normal, not with people hit- 
ting you up at any given moment with 
bizarre requests. You can't just hang out 
and have a cup of coffee and pick your 
nose or [reaching for his crotch] adjust your 
package, you know? 

PLAYBOY: You should be a baseball player. 
DEPP: Right. I could spit and grab my 
crotch. Like that lady who sang the na- 
tional anthem—what's her name? 
PLAYBOY: Roseanne. 

DEPP: I liked that. It was ballsy of her. 
PLAYBOY: So there's an island on your 
Christmas list? 

DEPP: If there’s anything I really want, 
its privacy. It's the island idea. You do 
get to where your money can help your 
family, and that's a great thing. You can 
buy that wristwatch you want, too. But 
mostly you now have to pay for simplici- 
ty. You use your money to buy privacy 
because during most of your life you 
aren't allowed to be normal. You're on 
display, always looked at, which puts you 
ata disadvantage for the people looking 
at you know that it's you. They say, “It’s 
you!” But you don’t know them. That's 
bad for an actor because the most im- 
portant thing you can do is observe peo- 
ple. And now you can't because you're 
the one being observed. 

PLAYBOY: Some of it must be enjoyable. 
DEPP: It's very nice when people come up 
and say, “I really liked Don Juan DeMar- 
co, please sign my napkin.” What gets to 
me is being watched, whispered about. 
Would you ever walk up to someone on 
the street and say, “Can I kiss you?” No, 
you'd get smacked. “Can I look inside 
your wallet?” “What size is your shoe?” 
“Can I have your hat?” Some requests 
are too fucking surreal. On Dead Man I 
was hanging out with Jarmusch and the 
crew, smoking cigarettes, and there was 
a guy lurking, checking me out, He 
looked normal enough, but his eyes were 
alittle too open. So I knew he'd come up 
to me, which he did. “Hi, Johnny! Wan- 
na go have a drink?” I said, “Thanks, 
I'm OK.” He said, “Listen, you could re- 
ally help me out. My wife and I are sep- 
arating, but I want to get back with her. 
She's a big fan of yours.” He wanted me 
to go home with him and mediate his di- 
vorce. I wouldn't, so he said he'd call her 
on the phone and we could talk it out. 
Now, that stuff goes too far. You want to 
say, "Can't we just kiss? Could you just. 
shove your tongue down my gullet and 
be done with it?” 


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PLAYBOY: Some female fans love you 
enough to send you highly personal 
mementos, 

DEPP: Nude pictures in the mail, yes. 
Tons of them. Some are beautiful—nice- 
ly lit, black-and-white, mysterious. Some 
are out-and-out primitive. Then there 
are the pubes. Гуе gotten a lot of pubic 
hairs in the mail. I don’t save them. I 
guess you could get ritualistic about it, 
burn the pubes in a fire, but I'm not sure 
I want to touch them so I throw them 
away. 

PLAYBOY: How does it feel to be so hand- 
some that women yank out their pubes 
for you? 

DEPP: I have no control over that. It’s de- 
meaning when people talk about my 
looks. I think I usually look like shit, and 
most people would probably agree. 
PLAYBOY: You once said you feel more 
comfortable dining in a movie than in a 
restaurant. 

DEPP: Calmer, anyway. In a real restau- 
rant you may notice people talking un- 
der their breath, staring. It builds up in 
your head and you want to run. 
PLAYBOY: Do you and Kate have tech- 
niques for avoiding bad scenes? 

DEPP: If werun into a gaggle of paparazzi 
ГЇЇ avoid eye contact. ГЇЇ also put on my 
sunglasses. That way they don't get paid 
as much for the picture. 

PLAYBOY: Are you and Kate going to get 
married? 

DEPP: I love Kate more than anything. 
Certainly enough to marry her. But as 
far as putting our names on paper, mak- 
ing weird public vows that signify owner- 
ship—it's not in the cards. 

PLAYBOY: Are you monogamous? 

DEPP: Гтп very true. I wouldn't hurt her 
and I expect she wouldn't hurt me. Fi- 
delity is important as long as it’s pure. 
But the moment it goes against your in- 
sides—if you want to be somewhere else, 
if she wants to dabble—then you need to 
make a change. I’m not sure any human 
being is made to be with one person for- 
ever and ever, amen. My own parents 
didn't do it; my dad left when I was 15. 
And maybe in some of my public rela- 
tionships . . . maybe I was uying to right 
the wrongs of my parents by creating a 
classic fairy-tale love. Trying to solve the 
fear of abandonment we all have. Any- 
way, it didn't work. That's not to say I 
didn't love those people. I have been 
with some great girls and I certainly 
thought I loved them, though now I 
have my doubts. I felt something in- 
tense, but was it love? I don't know. So 
now І can't say I can love someone for- 
ever, or if anybody can. 

PLAYBOY: According to a recent story, you 
and Kate had set a wedding date. She 
wanted engraved invitations, but you 
wanted to send out a riddle so your 
friends would have to guess where to 
show up. 

DEPP: It’s fiction. I can guarantee you 


that if I woke up one day with a wild hair 
up my ass to get hitched, there wouldn't 
be invitations. We'd run out and do it. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think when you 
see Kate's picture on a billboard? 

DEPP: І think she's beautiful. Calvin 
Klein is lucky to have her. If we're apart 
and I see her picture I'll miss her, not be- 
cause of a billboard but because she's al- 
ways on my mind anyway. 

PLAYBOY: What's something she does bet- 
ter than you? 

DEPP: Modeling. And she's great at 
games. She beats the shit out of me at gin 
rummy. Kate is a great girl, very smart. 
We're a good team because she's a light 
sleeper. You could hit me with a baseball 
bat and I wouldn't wake up. But she'll 
wake up: "Was that a pin dropping?" So 
I get some protection. 

PLAYBOY: Does all the gossip bother you? 
DEPP: It's part of the game. You know 
that the tabloids—from the obvious ones 
to the subtler ones such as Time and 
Newsweek—will print anything to sell 
those fuckers. But you hear it and it can 
be stressful. Suppose you and I are at a 
bar, and you say hello to a girl. That's in- 
nocent. For me the same thing becomes: 
They were dangling from the St. James Hotel 
with hairbrushes sticking out of their asses. 
That can cause a strain. 

PLAYBOY: You mean that it wasn't the 
St. James? 

DEPP: Sorry, never happened. Here's an- 
other one: Kate and I had a huge fight at 
a hotel in New York, a real screaming 
match in the lobby. It was in the papers. 
I thought it was pretty magical of us, for 
ме were in France at the time. 

PLAYBOY: What happened on September 
13, 1994, when you smashed up a room 
at New York's Mark Hotel? 

DEPP: Another instance of not being al- 
lowed to be normal. I was having a bad 
day. I think we all have those, but if 
somebody else does what I did it’s not 
usually in the news. A security guy came 
to my door, and I said, basically, “I’m 
sorry, I broke some things. ГІЇ repay 
you.” But that’s not good enough. I go 
to jail. And the next day this gets equal 
billing with the invasion of Haiti, me 
beating up a hotel room. Imagine if I 
had hit somebody. 

PLAYBOY: That clearly bothered you. 
DEPP; [With ап Ed Wood grin] It's all in a 
day's work! 

PLAYBOY: Don't you invite it, though, by 
dating famous people? How come celebs 
fall in love only with other celebs? 

DEPP: Probably because you have mutual 
nds. You move in the same circles. 
It's like working in a factory—you strike 
up friendships with other employees. Al- 
so, you'll go to a restaurant or a bar that 
caters to other people who know what 
it’s like to be exposed. So maybe they're 
not after you so much. 

PLAYBOY: With the Viper Room you've 


O15 Mooy 


1996 PLAYMATE CALENDARS 
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bought your own hideout. 
DEPP: It’s easier here. I'll have a couple 
beers or a glass of wine, get up and play 
my guitar with some friends. Every 
Thursday is martini night, a good time. 
One of the best nights for me was when 
Johnny Cash played here. 

PLAYBOY: He must have matched the 
black decor. 

DEPP: Yeah, he was brilliant and he blend- 
ed in. He was just a head floating up 
there—beautiful 

PLAYBOY: The tabs have linked you with 
other celebrities, including Madonna. 
DEPP: I read that I was іп bed with her, 
which is a ton of shit. I have met her and 
it went like this: “How do you do?” “Hel- 
lo, how are you?” Now when anyone 
asks about my affair with Madonna I say 
no, wrong—it was the Pope. He swept 
me off my feet. 

PLAYBOY: For the record, how did you get 
under the robes of John Paul 1? 

DEPP: Well, he’s shy: I didn’t want to push 
too hard, but we shared a bottle of wine 
and I can tell you, the man is a great 
kisser. Watch him when he gets off a 
plane. He'll really give that runway a 
good one. 

PLAYBOY: You're known for dodging at- 
tention by using fake names when you 
check into hotels. But your pseudonyms 
make good copy. Mr. Donkey Penis? 
DEPP: It’s just that if you register as Mr. 
Poopy, for instance, you get a funny 
wake-up call. I used to use the name Mr. 
Stench; it was funny to be in a posh hotel 
and hear a very proper concierge call 
out, “Mr. Stench, please!” I never really 
stayed under the name Donkey Penis. 
That was an example I mentioned to a 
reporter once. But I have been Roid, 
Emma Roid. 

PLAYBOY: You've said journalistic “fic- 
tions” bother you. What has been the 
worst? 

DEPP: When something heavy happens 
and nine out of ten magazines turn it in- 
to a fucking vulture fest. They turn you 
into something sick. 

PLAYBOY: You're talking about River 
Phoenix. 

DEPP: When River passed away, it hap- 
pened to be at my club. Now that's very 
tragic, very sad, but they made it a fiasco 
of lies to sell fucking magazines. They 
said he was doing drugs in my club, that 
I allow people to do drugs in my club. 
What a ridiculous fucking thought! 
“Hey, I'm going to spend a lot of money 
on this nightclub so everyone can come 
here and do drugs. I think that's a good 
idea, don't you? We'll never get found 
out. It's not like this place is high profile or 
anything, right?” That lie was ridiculous 
and disrespectful to River. But aside 
from River, and his family trying to deal 
with their loss, what about people who 
work in the club? They have moms and 
dads in, like, Oklahoma, reading about 
the place where their daughter tends bar 


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PLAYBOY 


and thinking, Jesus, she's out in Holly- 
wood swimming around with these aw- 
ful creatures! 

PLAYBOY: Meaning you. 

DEPP: It was awful for my nieces and 
nephews to read that stuff, to have every 
two-bit pseudojournalist speculating vi- 
ciously .. . viciously. And it hurt. 
PLAYBOY: How did you cope? 

DEPP: I closed the club for a few nights. 
To get out of the way so River's fans 
could bring messages, bring flowers. 
And I got angry. I made a statement to 
the press: "Fuck you. I will not be disre- 
spectful to River's memory. I will not 
participate in your fucking circus." 
PLAYBOY: Is it haunting to walk past the 
spot where River died? 

DEPP: At first it was. I couldn't go to the 
club without thinking of it. Later I came 
to terms with the fact that it had nothing 
to do with the club. He was here a very 
short time. It had nothing to do with 
anything, really, except that what he in- 
gested was bad, and now there is noth- 
ing we can do. 

PLAYBOY: Did you shed tears that night? 
DEPP: That's a weird question. 

PLAYBOY: You don't have to answer. 

DEPP: Yes. I shed tears when 1 heard 
someone had died. It wasn't until later, 
four or five in the morning, that they 
told me it was River. It's so sad to see а 
young life end. And now I'm starting to 
feel like Pm on The Barbara Walters Spe- 
cial. Are you going to make me cry? 
PLAYBOY: No, we'll even change the sub- 
ject. Let's talk about your boyhood. 
What's your earliest memory? 

DEPP: Catching lightning bugs. Beautiful, 
fascinating bugs. There was a little girl 
who lived next door who had a brace on 
her leg. We used to play оп the swing set, 
and the night the astronauts landed on 
the moon, her father came out and 
looked up and said, in all seriousness, 
"When man sets foot on the face of the 
moon, the moon will turn to blood." 
I was shocked. 1 remember thinking, 
Geez, I'm six and that's a little deep for 
me. I stayed up watching the moon. It 
was a big relief when it didn't change. 
PLAYBOY: Didn't you have an uncle who 
was a Bible-thumping preacher? 

DEPP: Yes. That gave me an odd sense of 
religion. He vas theatrical in the pulpit. 
He would start crying, praising the 
Lord. Pretty soon the adults were 
screaming hallelujah, getting on their 
hands and knees, crawling up to kiss his 
shoes, and I just didn't buy it. I'm not 
saying my uncle was full of shit, because 
he was a good guy. I just didn’t like the 
duality—seeing him behave normally at 
home and a whole different way in the 
pulpit. It was too convenient. Why did 
the Lord strike you only in church? Why 
didn't he hit you in the bathroom or 
when you were barbecuing hot dogs? 
PLAYBOY: As a boy, did you think you 


58 were headed for big things? Did you 


ever want to be a movie star? 

DEPP: At four or five І fancied myself a 
Mau Helm, the spy Dean Martin played. 
I also wanted to be Flint—James Co- 
burn. Those guys got all the women. 
PLAYBOY: Were you geeky as a kid? 

DEPP: I'm geeky now. I sure don't look 
around and say, “Неу, isn't this great?" 
Гуе never felt that and probably nev- 
er will. 

PLAYBOY: Did you like your name? It’s a 
great movie name, but a kid might 
rather be Johnny Jones. 

DEPP: It spawned nicknames. I was John- 
ny Dip. Deppity Dog. Dippity-Do. I 
didn't mind it, and didn't really think 
about it until my first movie, when they 
asked how I wanted to be billed. John 
Depp? It sounds pumped up. I was al- 
ways Johnny. 

PLAYBOY: You were a kid when the fam- 
ily moved from Kentucky to Miramar, 
Florida. 

DEPP: We moved like gypsies. From the 
time I was five until my teens we lived in 
30 or 40 different houses. That probably 
has a lot to do with my transient life now. 
But it's how I was raised so I thought 


I didn't want to be a 
fuckup. 1 thought that if 
I joined the Marines and 

learned to deal with 
authority, maybe 1 could 

be a normal guy. 


there was nothing abnormal about it. 
Wherever the family is, that's home. We 
lived in apartments, on a farm, in a mo- 
tel. Then we rented a house, and one 
night we moved from there to the house 
пехі door. 1 remember carrying my 
clothes across the yard and thinking, 
This is weird, but it's an easy move. 
PLAYBOY: Were you a bully? Ever beat up 
anyone? 

DEPP: The guys 1 hung out with in my 
early teens were bullies, kind of, so I did 
a little of that, Picking on someone, 
pushing people around. I didn't like it. 
It got me so angry that Га be on the 
poor guy's side. 

PLAYBOY: Meanwhile, you hated schoo—. 
DEPP: I wasn't learning. 1 felt the teachers 
were there to kill eight hours and get 
paid. I had more fun playing guitar. 1 
was playing in a band in nightclubs at an 
early age, and that was an education. 
PLAYBOY: How old were you when you 
lost your virginity? 

DEPP: I was about 13, playing guitar at a 
club, and this girl who was a little older 
had been hanging around listening to 
us. She was a virgin, too. That night we 
just . . . partook. It was in the bass play- 


er’s van, a blue Ford. I knew what to 
do—1 had studied the subject for many 
years. And I remember us laughing, 
having a good time together. It’s a sweet, 
sweet memory. She became my girl for a 
while, but then we lost touch. I haven't 
seen her in a long time, about 19 years. 
PLAYBOY: You were 15 when your parents 
split up. Were you crushed? 

DEPP: There wasn't time. It was too trau- 
matic for my mom. 

PLAYBOY: Betty Sue—her name is on the 
heart tattoo on your left arm. 

DEPP: She got very ill. Her life as she had 
known it for 20 years was over. Her part- 
ner, her husband, her best friend, her 
lover, had just left her. I felt crushed that 
he had left, but when you're faced with 
something like that, it's amazing how 
much abuse the human mind and heart 
can take. You just get past what you need 
to get past. Sure, on some level I was 
thinking, Wait a minute, what happened 
to my family? What about stability, the 
safety of the home? But my feelings were 
secondary to thinking about my mom. 
All the focus was on her getting through 
that time, which she finally did, and now 
everyone is pretty OK. I'm even on good 
terms with my dad. 

PLAYBOY: At the time, though, you were 
subject to various fears. 

DEPP: Oh, yes. My sister Christi had a ba- 
by when I was 17, and I had just heard 
about crib death. The horrible thing was 
that it wasn't understood. For some un- 
known reason the baby would stop 
breathing. So I would sneak into where 
the baby was sleeping and put my hand 
in her crib, hold her little finger, and Га 
sleep on the floor like that. It was stupid, 
I'm sure. But E thought the warmth of 
my hand might help, that maybe if she 
felt my pulse it would remind her to 
breathe. 

PLAYBOY: You were sensitive. 

DEPP: A total paranoid. 

PLAYBOY: You dropped out of high school 
about that time. Did the other Depps try 
to talk you out of it? 

Depp: No, they were supportive. It was 
other people, family friends, who 
thought I was a shithead. They figured I 
was proving them right by dropping out 
of school to play guitar in nightclubs. 
And I thought maybe they were right. 
My main feeling when I left school was 
one of insecurity. It was, What the fuck 
am I gonna do? I'm nobody. I'm a fuck- 
up, just like those outside voices say. І se- 
riously considered joining the Marines 
because I didn’t want to be a fuckup. I 
thought that if 1 joined the Marines and 
learned to deal with authority, maybe I 
could be a normal guy. 

PLAYBOY: Then why aren't you crewcut 
Colonel Depp today? 

DEPP: My band had some success. 
PLAYBOY: You were 17. Your band, the 
Kids, rubbed shoulders with major acts 
when they toured Florida. There's a 


famous tale about you and Iggy Pop. 
DEPP: We opened for the Ramones, the 
Pretenders, the Talking Heads. One 
night we opened for Iggy. It went great. 
After the show I was pretty drunk, and 
in the Iggy tradition I wanted more, so 1 
started screaming at him. Just sopho- 
moric insults: “Iggy Poop! Who the fuck 
are you? Iggy Slop!” He got in my face 
and said, “You little turd.” And walked 
away. So of course 1 was delighted. I 
looked over at the bass player and said, 
“Yeah, that was Iggy. He's a god.” 
PLAYBOY: А few years later he played а 
supporting role in Cry-Baby. Did he re- 
member you? 

DEPP: No. He said he didn't remember 
much from those years. 

PLAYBOY: Pretty soon after that you 
went out west-with the band. 

DEPP: We got bored in 
south Florida. We had 
to move to Los Angeles 
to make it big. I re- 
member the drive out. 
Driving 18 hours at a 
stretch, you hit a kind 
of hallucinatory state of 
sleep deprivation that 
sends you into orbit. 
You blink and look up 
and you're driving into 
the devil's mouth. It 
was a good time. You 
have high hopes be- 
cause you're not think- 
ing of yourself as a self 
but as a band member, 
that great camaradcric. 
Then, before you know 
it, you're on your own. 
PLAYBOY: But the band 
shattered on contact 
with the big time? 
DEPP: We broke up, and 
1 couldn't lean on the 
drummer or the bass 
player anymore. 1t was 
all me. I had to deliver. 
PLAYBOY: So what was 
your first step? 

DEPP: I sold pens. 
PLAYBOY: On the street? 
DEPP: It was marketing—working the 
phone from a big stuffy building in Hol- 
lywood, near Hollywood and Vine. The 
best thing about that job was using the 
phone—I'd call my family in Florida on 
the pretext of selling them pens. The 
boss, the pen boss, would circle the 
room, but when he went by Га say, 
“How many pens would you like, 288? 
Two gross?" After he passed I'd whisper, 
“Mom, are you there?" The free phone 
calls were fine, but the sales pitch was a 
batch of lies. Telling people they could 
win atrip to Greece ora beautiful grand- 
father clock. So 1 learned my pen-selling 
script—it was really my first acting gig— 
and then ad-libbed. I actually sold some 
pens. But I felt so bad lying that I began 
telling people, "Don't buy the fucking 


id Turkey onn 


og Bourbon Wiley $05 


pens. The grandfather clock is made of 
corkboard." 

PLAYBOY: Ending your telemarketing ca- 
reer. Fortunately, you had a friend, Nico- 
las Cagc. 

DEPP: We became friends through music 
when I was in the band. He had already 
done Valley Girl, Rumble Fish and Cot- 
ton Club, so 1 knew him as an actor. 
But I wasn't planning to be one. We just. 
hung out, 

PLAYBOY: At the parking garage of a lo- 
cal mall? 

DEPP: That's the story. We were messing: 
around one night at the Beverly Center, 
having a giggle. We may have been 
drinking. We were goofing around, and 
the story is that we wound up hanging 
by our fingers five stories up on the 
parking structure. I don't remember, 


Ben Franklin wanted to make 


it the national bird. 


We settled for making it 


the national bourbon. 


WILD TURKEY 


101 proof, real Kentucky. 


le/ (1017, Au Pacho Ding Co запела KY 


but I'm thinking we did. 

PLAYBOY: It seems that there's something 
particularly postmodern about daredev- 
il acts at a mall. 

DEPP: It was the ultimate death-defying 
white-trash act. 

PLAYBOY: Cage arranged to get you a try- 
out for Elm Street and you were well on 
your way. 

DEPP: But even after that first movic I 
never thought that there would be oth- 
ers. I didn't necessarily want there to be. 
I wanted to play my guitar. But with the 
band broken up, I needed rent money. I 
needed cigarettes. 

PLAYBOY: After Elm Street you moved to 
21 Jump Street. You reportedly detested 
the show that made you famous. Did you 
really think 21 Jump Street was “fascist”? 


DEPP: Sure it was. Cops in school? I 
mean, bad things happen in schools, but 
this was even worse than cops in school. 
It was preachy, pointing the finger. And 
it was hypocritical because the people 
running that show, the very highest of 
the higher-ups, were getting high. They 
were getting loaded. And then to say, 
“Now kiddies, don’t do this” was horse- 
shit. I was miserable living that lie for 
three years. Mortified. | was getting 
loaded, too. Am I really the one to say, 
“Don't get high”? 
PLAYBOY: Did you try to get out of your 
contract? 
DEPP: I offered to do a year of the show 
for free. I hate sounding like, “Oh, I'm 
on television and they're paying me a 
load of money, poor me,” but 1 would 
have done two years for free to get out of 
there. They were try- 
ing to turn me into 
Menudo, into the New 
Kids on the Block. 
1 couldn’t play that 
game. I would rather 
shrink back into every- 
day life than get stuck 
being that. 
PLAYBOY: You must 
have enjoyed being 
Ameri dreamboat 
at least a little. 
DEPP: Not for опе day. 
To enjoy lying? Enjoy 
being a piece of a ma- 
chine, the product of 
a huge assembly line? 
No. And fighting the 
label of heartthrob is 
hard, too. By then I 
wanted to be an actor, 
and that was impossi- 


ump Street got 
you invited to the Rea- 
gan White House. 
Depp: Yeah, for a Just 
Say No event. That was 
the biggest joke of all. 
But I took my mom 
and she loved it. We 
watched all the peo- 
ple—everyone acting so proper, trying 
to get close to the president. We were 
desperate for coffee, but there was no 
coffee allowed, no caffeine. People were 
„putting away the booze, though. We had 
a laugh. 

PLAYBOY: [s your mother a movie fan? 
DEPP: She doesn't talk much about my 
movies, though she knows when I'm 
real, when it's me at my most honest. 
She can sift through whatever horseshit 
I might have thrown in there and find 
that. I took her to the premiere of Don 
Juan and we talked later. It was in the 
anger, the flare-ups, and some of the sad 
moments when she could see me. 
PLAYBOY: 15 she proud? 

DEPP: Sometimes she still looks at me and 
says, “God, can you believe your life? 


59 


PLAYBOY 


Going from living in a motel to all this?” 
She's still a little shocked. So am I. I'm 
probably more shocked than anyone. 
Being able to earn money making faces, 
telling lies! When it all started about 
eight years ago, she was still a waitress. 
People, customers, would say, “You're 
Johnny Depp's mom!” and she'd be all 
proud. Then it took a turn, and now it's 
more uncomfortable. Whom can you 
trust? Who's real and who's just smiling? 
I think she's getting tired of it. 

PLAYBOY: You've publicly ducked ques- 
tions about you and Brando, saying the 
two of you have never discussed acting. 
DEPP: Wc have talked about it. I think һе 
feels compelled to tell me about his ex- 
periences, to offer advice. He has said I 
should play Hamlet, for one thing. What 
I remember are scenes we had in Don 
Juan. There are times when you're try- 
ing to get somewhere inside, but there's 
so much stuff going on around you—the 
guy with the clapboard, the grip over 
there drinking coffee, the director going 
"action"—that you're just not ready. He 
was there for me then. He helps create 
an atmosphere that makes those mo- 
ments easier. Even if it's just by laugh- 
ing, talking, looking at you. He helped 
make scenes between the two of us total- 
ly private. 

PLAYBOY: Sounds romantic. Did he moon 
you, too? 

DEPP: [Laughing] A couple of times. I 
mooned him back. 

PLAYBOY: Seriously, Brando-wisc 
DEPP: All the feelings are there: teacher 
and student, father and son. He's a hero. 
PLAYBOY: Were you jealous when he 
Kissed Larry King on TV? 

DEPP: He did kiss Larry King, didn't he? 
I think it was sweet. Maybe I should be 
jealous because I didn't kiss Larry. 
PLAYBOY: You have another passion: col- 
lecting odd things. What's the latest? 
DEPP: There's a bug store in Paris off the 
Boulevard St. Germain. I love snooping 
around in there. І recently bought a gift 
for a friend, a bug that looks shockingly 
like a leaf. The veins, the coloring, all 
perfect. If this guy were іп a tree, you 
couldn't find him with a microscope— 
and that, to me, is a miracle. How could 
evolution attain that disguise? Insects 
are fascinating. You could never wipe 
them out. They're too fucking tough 
and too smart. 

PLAYBOY: What else? Do you collect 
shrunken heads? 

DEPP: In Lima, Peru 1 bought an enor- 
mous, beautiful bat and two dozen lac- 
quered, stuffed piranhas. Coming 
home through Customs was funny. 
“What's in the box?” “Oh, 24 piranhas 
and a bat.” "OK, strip-search this guy!" 
PLAYBOY: Do you own anything that is 
ordinary? 

DEPP: I have a lot of pictures that kids 


60 have sent me. They are some of the best 


things—liule kids really identify with 
Edward Scissorhands, and they send me 
great, pure-genius pieces of art. Pair 
ings of Edward, some of Sam in Benny 9 
Joon—kids like Sam, too. They like the 
fairy tales. I frame some of those and put 
them on а wall in my house. 

PLAYBOY: You also had a painting by seri- 
al killer John Wayne Gacy. Why? 

DEPP: I'm fascinated by the dark and the 
absurd. I'm drawn to what's behind that. 
And don't we all have a bit of the ambu- 
lance chaser in us? The Сасу painting is 
one he did in prison. It's of Pogo the 
Clown, a character he used to play 
at neighborhood get-togethers, family 
functions. Now, most people believed 
that Gacy was a pillar of the community, 
a normal businessman, even as he com- 
mitted those horrible murders. I sup- 
pose what intrigues me is that even after 
he was caught and put in prison, he was 
painting this other image he had of him- 
selí—the nice guy who played the clown. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think he believed the 
nice-guy image? 

DEPP: I think he did, but he was driven 
by his sickness. Anyway, I got rid of it. 1 


My mother still looks at 
me and says, “God, can you 
believe your life? Going 
from living in a motel 
to all this?” She's still 
a little shocked. 


paid more than Gacys were going for 
and naively believed the money went to 
the victims' families, which wasn't true. I 
gave the thing away. I didn't want it 
around anymore. 

PLAYBOY: What else gives you the creeps? 
DEPP: I used to have a nightmare that I 
was being chased through bushes and 
fronds by the skipper from Gilligan’s Is- 
land. 1 don't know what was on his mind, 
but it wasn’t good and I didn't want any- 
thing to do with it. As a kid I was also 
afraid of John Davidson. 

PLAYBOY: The TV crooner? 

DEPP: Yeah. I'd see him on television 
when I was younger, and it was that 
thing that scared me—the smile that was 
always there. The Man Who Always 
Smiles. That was frightening because it's 
not real. You knew he might have been 
feeling like shit, might have wanted to 
kill somebody, but this was 
to smile, And it's not just hi 
is everywhere, 
PLAYBOY: Politi 
DEPP: Every politician is John Davidson. 
Eight out of ten producers are John 
Davidson. I know directors and loads of 
actors who are John Davidson. 


PLAYBOY: How about you? Have you ever 
been a Davidson? 
DEPP: [Nods] There are times when you 
put on a smile. It’s a fucking drag, but 
you mask your feelings because there's 
nothing else to do, For instance, you're 
giving an interview and the guy says, 
“How are you?” You can't say, “1 feel 
fucking rotten, I don't enjoy this shit and 
1 would really like to strangle you.” 
PLAYBOY: Uh-oh. 
ПЕРР: Strangling is an extreme example. 
But here's a John Davidson spot—being 
a presenter at the Academy Awards. I 
did that in 1994. I haven't seen it, but 
people tell me it went OK. My face was 
probably frozen in fear, because there's a 
weird marionette artificiality to those 
things. Backstage all 1 could think was, 
How do I get out of this? I absolutely al- 
most fled. I had a few options swimming 
around in my brain. Just collapse, fall 
over unconscious, that was one. Projec- 
tile vomiting. Another option was to tell 
the truth. Just say, “Before I introduce 
Neil Young 1 want to say that 1 don't 
know why I'm here. I don’t want to be 
here. 1 just want to go have a drink. I 
feel nervous and a little bit sick.” Of 
course, I wasn't actually going to go out 
and say that. But what was really eating 
away at me was this: What if I sudden- 
ly get Tourette’s syndrome? What if 
I go out and start barking and saying 
motherfucker to the whole world? 
PLAYBOY: But you did introduce Neil 
Young and get out of there safely. 
DEPP: That was a good cigarette after 
that. 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't there a time you had a 
quasi-Tourette’s episode on a plane? 
DEPP: Flying from L.A. to Vancouver for 
that television show [21 Jump Street]. 1 
was in first class and something came 
over me. I was already shaky about the 
flight when it hit me—you have to shout 
something shocking. Blurt something, 
or horrible things will happen. 
PLAYBOY: So then you yelled, “I fuck 
animals!” 
DEPP: Yeah. 
PLAYBOY: And, indeed, the plane didn't 
crash. 
DEPP: It worked. 
PLAYBOY: You even faced down your fear 
of John Davidson, didn't you? He played 
a talk show host in Edward Scissorhands. 
DEPP: I had nothing to do with that. It 
was strange to work with him after years 
of being afraid of him. He was doing 
Oklahoma! somewhere at the time and he 
had a perm. 
PLAYBOY: How John Davidson of him. 
DEPP: So 1 got rid of that demon. It was a 
weird exorcism. We talked about his 
perm, 
PLAYBOY: You've had other demons. 
There was a guy who kept calling 
around town insisting he was you. He 
(continued on page 142) 


2 


AN 
ia) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He books a cruise and lucks into a first-class traveling mate. He creates his own luck naturally, with 
chilled champagne and a taste for adventure. PLAYBOY readers spend nearly $2.5 billion each year 
on foreign travel. PLAYBOY men take more cruises than the men who read GQ and Esquire—com- 
bined. With 16 PLAYBOY editions worldwide, you can find a new adventure in every port. 
PLAYBOY—it's for the man who wants top-deck entertainment. (Source: Spring 1995 MRI.) MB є 


THE 


STALLION 


fiction by HAROLD ROBBINS 


the hardeman women were 


just like cars: they had a lot of 


power, but they needed a 


T was DIFFICULT for the Harde- 

man family to decide whether 

or not to mark the 100th birth- 

day of Loren Hardeman I, 

Number One, founder of Beth- 

lehem Motors, the nation's 
number four automobile manufactur- 
er. He was weak and obviously sinking 
slowly into his long sleep. On the other 
hand, he was still capable ofanger and 
might direct it at anyone he could 
identify as insufficiently deferential to 
him and insufficiently interested in his 
centenary. 

Roberta, wife to Loren Number 
Three, Number One's grandson, made 
the decision. They would celebrate 
with a dinner, to which only the imme- 
diate family would be invited. The 
group that assembled around a table in 
the late afternoon consisted of Number 
One, Number Three, Roberta and Bet- 
sy, Number One's great-granddaugh- 
ter, for whom he had named his fa- 
mous sports car. 

The old man sat at the table in a stiff 
gray suit, white shirt, red-and-blue- 
striped tie and Panama hat. Betsy had 
played tennis a little earlier and had 
not changed out of her tennis whites. 
Roberta wore her favored stretch stir- 
rup pants—this pair cream white—and 
a long-sleeved silver lamé top. Loren 
looked uncomfortable in a blue blazer 
and white duck pants. 

‘Two bushel baskets filled with con- 
gratulatory wires and letters sat ona 


man to steer them 


side table. Number One shrugged at 
them and declined to read any of them. 

Loren read one to him. It was from 
the White House, from Jimmy and 
Rosalynn Carter. Number One lis- 
tened, his head bobbing, and when 
Loren tried to hand him the engraved 
and embossed card, he waved it aside 
and said, “Peanuts.” 

He wouldn't allow Loren to read the 
wires from executives of the auto- 
mobile industry. “Boring bullshit,” he 
muttered. "Pro forma. Гуе outlived 
their grandfathers.” 

He drank Canadian whiskey as he 
had done in the old days. “What's the 
difference now?” he asked. 

The birthday dinner was catered. So 
many foods were off-limits to Number 
One that he had not employed a cook 
for years and just ate the bland meals 
his nurse set before him. Tonight, how- 
ever, he was treated to a hearts of palm 
salad and pompano, with a chilled 
Rhine wine. 

When they had finished and the 
dishes were cleared away, brandy was 
served, and only then did Number 
One wave the bottle away 

“I have something I want to say,” he 
announced. He pushed his wheelchair 
back and glanced around the table, let- 
ting his eyes settle for a moment on 
each member of his family. "I guess it 
was Maurice Chevalier who said the 
only thing worse than living to a ripe 
old age is the alternative. If you have 


ILLUSTRATION BY MELODOM 


ambitions to live to my age, curb them. 
It’s not worth it. 

“Loren, that car Angelo Perino is de- 
veloping for you is a piece of shit. It's 
gonna look like a fuckin’ strawberry 
box. It’s gonna look like a Model A. 
Maybe it'll run OK; I keep reading 
about how good the Jap engines are. 
But it won't sell because it won't have a 
modern look. Remember this—you 
can't buy a Studebaker or a Packard or 
a Hudson anymore, but you can buy a 
Sundancer. 

“Roberta, you make sure Loren 
keeps his backbone stiff. I know you 
keep his other bone stiff, but I’m talk- 
ing about his backbone. 

“Betsy, I have something to say to 
you, but I want to say it in private. You 
give the nurse 15 minutes to get me 
into bed, then come up. I want to talk 
to you.” 

Loren watched the nurse wheel 
Number One out of the room, then 
turned and spoke to Betsy: “He's 
gonna give you shit.” 

Betsy reached for the brandy bottle. 
“Maybe not.” 


Number One sat propped up against 
four big pillows. He wore blue-and- 
white-striped flannel pajamas. Betsy 
could see now why he wore the Pana- 
ma hat. Only a sparse fringe of white 
hair circled his liver-spotted pate, 
which made him look even older and 


63 


PLAYBOY 


64 


frailer than his hundred years. 

Her short white tennis dress and her 
tennis shoes were entirely out of place 
in what was conspicuously the old 
man's deathbed room. But she squared 
her shoulders, drew a deep breath and 
planted her hands on her hips. 

Number One pointed at а machine 
that sat on a table beside his television. 
“You think you can make that thing 
run?” he asked. 

Betsy looked at the machine. She 
had seen two or three of them before. 
It was a machine that could tape televi- 
sion shows and play them back. She 
studied the controls for a moment, 
then said she thought she could run it. 

“Good. Pull that big dictionary out of 
the shelf over there.” 

She did. Behind the dictionary was a 
tape cartridge. 

“Play it,” he said. 

She mounted the cartridge on the 
spindles on top of the big, heavy ma- 
chine and hit the switch marked PLAY. 

A picture appeared on the television 
screen. It was of an empty bed. es 
began to sound. ... 

“Goddamn it, you shouldn't have 
come here! You know you shouldn't 
have come here." Angelo's voice. 

“Why not? The old fart's asleep. My 
father is sleeping one off. So is Roberta. 
Anyway, I want you. You can't believe 
how much I want you.” Her own voice. 

They came into the view of the cam- 
era; she was busily pulling off her 
dothes. The light was dim and the fo- 
cus was not precise, but no one could 
have doubted who they were and what 
they were doing. She threw herself on 
the bed and spread her legs. Angelo 
pulled off his slingshot underpants, but 
not his white T-shirt, and mounted her. 

“Four years ago, that was. I’ve 
watched the tape a good many times,” 
muttered Number One. “You are a 
true slut, Betsy! I wish I'd known you 
50 years ago.” 

“Was Sally any better?” she asked. 

“Sally—your grandmother—she was 
a lady." 

“And you were a gentleman. . . .” 

The old man shook his head and gri- 
maced. “Angelo Perino,” he grumbled. 

“You and I are perfect together,” 
whispered Betsy's image on the 
screen—whispered hoarsely enough 
for a hidden microphone to capture. 
She drank brandy and handed the 
snifter to Angelo. “There's got to be 
more to it than this—more, I mean, 
than sneaking a night in the house. Oh, 
God! Leave her, Angelo! Give her a 
nice settlement and come to me.” 

“The best is yet to come,” Number 
One interjected 

It was. After another minute or so of 


urgent, whispered conversation, Ange- 
lo rose on his hands and knees and 
presented his backside. Betsy buried 
her face in it, and though the camera 
saw only the back of her head, it was 
obvious that her tongue was as deep in 
his ass as she could push it. Their 
grunts were further evidence of what 
she was doing. 

“You can turn it off. That was the 
most interesting part. 1 do wish Г4 
known a woman of your ilk even 40 
years ago. No woman ever did that 
for me.” 

“1 can't believe 

“Would you like to see your father 
with Roberta?” asked Number One. 
“Would you like to see her tan his back- 
side with his belt? She puts welts on his 
ass. Would you like to hear him tell her 
how great it is and beg for more? Sure- 
ly you don't believe, child, that I would 
allow people to plot and scheme and 
fuck and lick ass in my house and not 
make a record of it. Is that like me? 
How do you think I managed to live a 
hundred fucking years and fuck every 
son of a bitch who” 

“I was going to call you an evil old 
man,” said Betsy. “You were evil before 
you became an old man. When did you 
become evil, great-grandfather? Was it 
when you fucked my grandfather's 
wife? Or earlier?” 

Number One smiled and shook his 
head. "I've fathered a brood, haven't I? 
My son was a fairy and killed himself. 
My grandson—well, there's hope for 
him. At least he’s devious and has the 
capacity to hate.” 

“So why did you show me this?” 
she asked, nodding toward the tape 
machine. 

“It will be handy as evidence against 
you if you try to break the new will that 
my lawyers are drafting—which I'll 
sign before the week is over. You've 
been calling your son Number Four. 
Dream on, you little slut. Your son will 
never so much as share in the control 
of Bethlehem Motors. I'm leaving 
everything I own to a trust. You will be 
a trustee, but you'll be outvoted by 
Loren and my other trustees.” 

“You'll have to fight Roberta.” 

“Гуе made a deal with Roberta. Гуе 
already put a big chunk of cash in trust 
for her, and I'm getting rid of her. She 
manipulates Loren like a puppet mas- 
ter, and she’s gonna tell him he needs 
an heir and she can't give him one. As 
soon as she can find the right girl for 
the purpose, she will divorce Loren 
and let him marry the girl. He will get 
her pregnant and produce the real 
Number Four, who will be a Harde- 
man. When that happens, the trust 
pays out the money to Roberta.” 


“You have it all figured out, don't 
you, you old piece of shit?” 

Number One grinned. “I take note 
that you begged Angelo four years ago 
to leave his wife and come to you. Since 
then he has fathered two more chil- 
dren by her” 

“Got it all figured ош..." 

“I think so. The lawyers will be here 
with the new documents before the 
week is over.” 

“You overlooked something, great- 
grandfather,” said Betsy. 

“Did I? What?" 

“Ме,” she said. 

She jerked one of the pillows from 
under his head and jammed it down 
over his face. He struggled, but he was 
a weak. 100-year-old man, and she was 
26 and strong enough to have played 
three sets of tennis that afternoon with- 
ош getting winded. 

Something good happened—good 
for her. She felt him stiffen and guessed 
he was having a coronary. Maybe he 
wouldnt die of suffocation. Maybe. . . . 

She held the pillow in place, just the 
same, for five minutes. When she re- 
moved it, he was turning blue and his 
eyes stared lifelessly at the ceiling. To 
be certain he was gone, she sat beside 
him for another ten minutes, holding 
the pillow gently over his face so as not 
to bruise him. 

. 


She removed the cartridge from the 
VCR and wiped her fingerprints from 
the controls. 

Не had not made this tape himself. 
Someone in the house, or someone 
elsewhere, had done it for him. It 
would not do for investigators to find 
missing only the tape showing her with 
Angelo. She began to move books. Sure 
enough, she found half a dozen more 
tape cartridges. She would have liked 
to see if one really showed Roberta 
beating her father's naked ass, but she 
could not stay here and play tapes, and 
she could not risk keeping them. 

She stepped onto the balcony out- 
side Number One's bedroom. The 
house vas silent and mostly dark. She 
stood for a while, watching to see if 
anyone was outside. Detecting no one, 
she tossed the tapes onto the lawn. 

Outside a few minutes later, she 
gathered them up. She walked toward 
the beach. Then, inspired, she took off 
her tennis dress and panties and 
walked onto the sand stark naked, 
clutching the cartridges. If anyone saw 
her and wondered why she was mov- 
ing so furtively, the explanation would 
be that she had decided to take a walk, 
nude, on the beach. 


(continued оп page 82) 


“His “Но! Ho! Ho! I’m home early!’ was so convincing, 
I gave him the benefit of the doubt!” 


THE POWER OF PAMELA | 


we knew her and loved her before she conquered the world 


ELIEVE IN THYSELF. That's the moral of our tale to- 

day—the uplifting story of Pamela Anderson, a 

small-town girl who dreamed her way to interna- 

tional stardom. The whole world knows Pamela 
now; you can't channel-surf without being splashed by 
Pamfacts on ET or MTV. She's all over People, Time and TV 
Guide. And zillions of Pamfans recently hopped onto the 
Net to ogle electronic images of 
Pam doing the nice with Tommy 
Lee. Her marriage to Motley 
Crue drummer Tommy was a tru- 
ly worldwide wedding: You can't 
find a Tibetan monk who doesn't 
know that Pam wore a white biki- 
ni that February morning on the 
beach in Cancún, five years after 
she made her famous appearance 
as our Playmate of the Month, 
Miss February 1990. Today, her 
first starring role in a film—as the 


"I flint 


lethal heroine of Barb Wire—is the 
talk of Hollywood, and everyone 
knows Pam sports a new barbed- 
wire tattoo on her left arm. Not to 
mention the old, mundane news 
that as lifeguard C.J. on Baywatch 
she is adored by 1 billion TV view- 
ers worldwide every week, mak- 


ing Pam the number one dream 


Pamela ran the gamut from casual ta glamoraus in her 
February 1990 Playmate layout. Above left, she is a 
stunning endorsement for Lobot!'s beer; above right is 
her centerfold shot. Belaw are her five covers—per- 
hops only the Rabbit has more. For Pam, being о 
Playmate meant “the start of something big!” Five cov- 
ers in six years—ond naw there's a resplendent sixth. 


girl in the history of civilization. (At the Cannes Film Festi- 
val she was mobbed by reporters, who stampeded past for- 
mer T'V goddess Morgan Fairchild.) Not bad for the 
dreamy daughter of a furnace repairman and a waitress 
from Comox, British Columbia. You might call it great luck 
for Pamela to go from our centerfold to a small role as Lisa 
the Tool Girl on TV’s Home Improvement to international 
star in five years. But you would 
be dead wrong. It's no accident 
that Pam's dreams came true. She 
has always figured that beauty 
plus intelligence plus ambition 
and hard work would equal suc- 
cess. Want proof? Just check the 
last entry on her February 1990 
Playmate Data Sheet. “Being a 
Playmate Means: The start of 
something big!” 

The dream began in the aptly 
named hamlet of Ladysmith, 
B.C., across the Strait of Georgia 
from Vancouver. After she moved 
to Comox, Pamela became a 
schoolgirl volleyball star who 
thought of herself as a jock, not a 
beauty. By luck she took in a B.C. 
Lions football game. The rest is a 
whirlwind: A cameraman takes a 
“honey shot” of the best-looking 


Lions fan апа beams it 
across all of Canada, a 
Labat's brewery exec 
sees Pam, she becomes 
national poster girl for 
the brewery. A sharp- 
eyed PLAYBOY gorgeous- 
Ness scout spots her, we 
fly Pam to the U.S. and 
instantly fall in love with 
her. To the tune of six 
PLAYBOY covers. These 
days we are, of course, far 
too modest to exclaim, 
Yes, we knew Pam was 
perfect long before you 
ever heard of her! Still, 
we are, in our modest 
way, proud to have dis- 
covered one of the top 
stars of the fin de siécle. 
Because we think she de- 
serves her current re- 
nown—not only for the 
way she looks but also for 
the brave, smart, witty 
and tireless woman she 
is. Her secret is simple: 
You're looking at the 


hardest-working wom- 


an in the bikini-stuffing 
business. How many T 

starlets practice martial 
arts on the set? All that 
practice in her off-hours 
from Baywatch helped 
Pam do most of her ow 

stunts in Barb Wire, lead- 
ing director David Ho- 
gan to marvel, “She 
looks beautiful, but she 
has a tremendous, vicious 
kick.” Luck? There's not 
a chance. It was business 
as usual for Pam: When 
her chance arrived, she 
was coiled and read 

And that quality was as 
evident as her beauty on 
January 29, 1989, the day 


“I hope that when people see me іп PLAYBOY, they'll see more than the surfoce,” soid Miss February 1990. “I hope they'll see а Co- 
mox girl reoching for a dream.” What they saw mode Pam one of the most populor Playmotes ever. Why? Philosophers can debate that 
question if they so desire, but PLAYBOY readers know the answer instinctively. Pam is o dreomer who has never feared being physical. 


She sees both the thrill ond 
the humor in sex. Іп our 
July 1992 issue Pam, who 
was then famed only for 
her role on Home Improve- 
ment ond her sexcopades 
with us, posed nude at an 
auto body shop under a 
sign advertising lubrication. 
From the jump she was 
savvy enough to hove fun 
with her sex-engine per- 
sona. Her current stor turn 
as Barb Wire is only the lat- 
est cortoon incarnation of 
that image. But os she 
confided to us in 1992, sex 
is more than mere fun. “I'm 
© very sexual person. Sexu- 
olity is an expression of our 
spirituality,” Pam said. “Sex 
mokes you get reol.” 


we first set eyes on her. On that 
day Pam was a B.C. girl in the big 
city, unsure of her future, thir 

ing only that she wanted it to be 
more thrilling than anything Co- 
mox could offer. She filled out 


the same questionnaire that we 


give every Playmate hopeful 


When asked what career she 
would choose for herself, she 
wrote, “Actress—I love to live out 
fantasies.” And if you think her 
subsequent zoom to the top is 
any sort of coincidence, we have 
some real estate in Comox to sell 
you. Because, as another smart 
cookie, Thomas Edison, once 
said, genius is inspiration plus 
perspiration. Say hello again to 


Pam, modern media genius. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY NINA BERKSON 


BY BRENDAN BABER & ERIC SPITZNAGEL 


JUST HOW BIG is Baywatch? According to 
its distributors, the world's biggest 
show reaches 2.4 billion people per 
week, 40 percent to 80 percent of 
whom may be watching. That's a view- 
ership of 1 billion to 2 billion. Baywatch 
is broadcast in 110 countries and on 
every continent 
except Antarc- 
tica (where you 
could probably 
catch it on а 
ҮСЕ іп the rec 
room at Mc- 
Murdo Base, 
anyway). In the 
Amazon basin, 
locals crank up 
gas generators 
to watch it on 
mildewed black- 
and-white TVs. 
People in Rus- 
sia, Australia, 
Zimbabwe, Morocco, New Delhi and 
Mongolia hold their breath to see if 
Mitch and Stephanie will ever get it on. 
But we're inundated with big num- 
bers every day, so figures such as 2 bil- 
lion slide right off our collective con- 
sciousness. Allow us to make a few 
comparisons to put it in perspective: 
According to the 1995 Information 
Please Almanac, there are roughly 1 bil- 
lion Muslims in the world, which 
makes Allah only half as pervasive as 
Baywatch. The global population of 
Christians is estimated at 1.8 billion, so 
it’s a toss-up as to whether Jesus Christ 
or Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon will 
win the popularity contest. But Mitch's 
ratings are increasing faster. Baywatch 
viewers outnumber Jews by at least 50 
to 1, because there are only 18 million 


adherents to the Torah. Democracy is 
much less widespread than Baywatch, 
since we calculate only 1.1 billion peo- 
ple live in “free” countries. (In case you 
were wondering, that means Baywaich 
is roughly two times more successful 
than voting.) If you haven't gotten the 
picture yet, we 
will say it 
straight out: 
Baywatch is not 
a part of world 
culture; it is the 
world's culture. 
Face it. It is 
not merely the 
most successful 
television show 
in the world; it 
is the most pop- 
ular cultural phe- 
nomenon ever. 

Bayuatch's 
critics are de- 
luded fools. It doesn't matter if they 
think it's crap. Frankly, it doesn't mat- 
ter if you think it’s crap. Two billion 
viewers can't be wrong, even if some оГ 
them are huddled around gas genera- 
tors in the rain forest. 

We're all living on borrowed time in 
Baywatch's world, and we may as well 
stop fighting it. 


TEN TRUTHS LEARNED 

FROM WATCHING 

BAYWATCH 

So there you are in Outer 
Mongolia, hanging out in the 
yurt near the tribe's only televi- 
sion, and like the rest of the world 
you're watching the show. Odds are 
you'll never actually meet ап Ameri- 
can, so what conclusions do you draw 


about this mythical race 
with eternal tans and 
perfect teeth? We ex- 
amined a few episodes 
and attempted to de- 
termine what you have 
learned about us 
from watching 
Baywatch. 


© American 

| men and 
women 
spend 15 
percent of 
their days 
running 

іп slow 


motion along the beach. 

@ Americans almost drown an average 
of two times each hour. 

4) Despite this habit of breathing wa- 
ter, CPR always works and no one actu- 
ally dies, except from cancer. 

© People in the U.S. look thoughtfully 
at the ocean for an average of 15 sec- 
onds after being told anything of any 
importance. 

© Americans never worry about get- 
ting enough to eat, but fat people are 
unreliable and sometimes evil. 

© Most American women have abnor- 
mally large breasts that are worshiped 
via close-ups for an average of two min- 
utes and 13 seconds per hour. 

€ When swimming in California, you 
are more likely to be attacked by jewel 
thieves or taken hostage by terrorists 
than you are to drown. 

4) Most activity that takes place off the 
beach occurs in montages and lasts no 
longer than two minutes. 

4) Although Americans, especially life- 
guards, complain that they are poor, 


they all have expensive sports cars and 
luxurious homes. 

Ф Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk 
back to David Hasselhoff. 


Baywatch builds on the traditions of 
musical theater with its use of montage. 
Critics say these sections are just filler, 
but devoted fans know that they are 
the show's semiotic shorthand, a com- 
bination of music and slow-motion jig- 
gling that conveys character develop- 
ment without using up valuable words. 


MONTAGE: CJ. saves assorted drowning 
people, runs up and down the beach 
and pouts. 

INSIGHT: Even attractive people have to 
work hard for a living. 


MONTAGE: Brody and C.J. walk on the 
beach and fall in love. 

INSIGHT: Lifeguards need only 

two minutes and 22 sec- 
опд to fall in love. 


MONTAGE: All the life- 
guards prepare for a big 
wedding berween Mitch 
and his ex-wife. 

INSIGHT: Lifeguards 
don't have very cool 
dress uniforms. 


MONTAGE: Mitch 
and Brody are 
chased by 
wicked 
Hawaiians 
on a barely 
inhabited 
island. 


INSIGHT: Men who chase lifeguards get 
what they deserve. 


MONTAGE: Mitch and Tracy (his true 
love) spend quality time before she dies 
of cancer. 

INSIGHT: Cancer patients get tired and 
should not try to catch Frisbees. 


MITCH BUCHANNON: ADEPT 

LIFEGUARD OR UBERMENSCH? 
Lieutenant Buchannon has the re- 
markable ability to survive any disaster, 
no matter how challenging. How does 
he do it? He is no Superman, but he 
has learned a number of innovative 
survival skills that help him deal with 
life-threatening scenarios. Here are 
some compelling examples: 


DANGER; Shark in the water. 
SOLUTION: Pummel it with driftwood 
until it goes away. 


DANGER: Pirates point a gun at you. 
SOLUTION: Distract them by saying, “Oh 
my God, sharks!” and then grab the 
gun. 


DANGER: A crazed serial 

killer holds two life- 

guards hostage in a 

beach tower. 

SOLUTION; Get to the tow- 

er by tunneling under the 

sand like Bugs Bunny, then beat him up. 


DANGER: Bad Hawaiians chase you with 

spears. 

SOLUTION: Put your shirt in a bush to 
distract them, then beat them up. 


DANGER: Terrorists kidnap 
your girlfriend, a princess 
from an unspecified country. 

SOLUTION: Chase them іп a 
boat, then beat them up. 


DANGER: Punks are about to at- 
tack your girlfriend and dump 
her off a pier. 

SOLUTION: Climb the pier to sneak up 
on them, then beat them up. 


DANGER: A swarthy man 
stalks your son and his 
friend. 
SOLUTION: Chase him in a 
truck, then let midgets beat 
him up. 


79 


IS THAT A LIFE PRESERVER 
OR ARE You JUST HAPPY TO 
SEE ME? 

One ofthe main tools used by the life- 
guards on Baywatch is the red rescue 
can. This bright, rigid float is attached 
to a rope, allowing guards to rescue 
people without having to risk physical 


Mitch gives mouth-to-mouth 
to victim. 


Mitch comforts her with 
his love and wisdom. 


Mitch receives gobs of cash. 


contact. But in the danger-ridden 
world of Baywatch, these rescue cans 
have many other uses. These include: 
% Protecting yourself from crowbars 
swung by evil convict wives (Tentacles: 
Part One”). 

% Causing serial killers to trip when 
they try to sneak into the lifeguards’ 


Mitch holds globe in his hands, 
towering godlike over creation. 


ILLUSTRATION BY SEYMOUR FLEISHMAN 


office (“The Tower"). 

** Avoiding giving mouth-to-mouth to 
people with AIDS (“А Little Help From 
My Friends”). 

% Helping viewers tell the difference 
between drowning lifeguards and 
drowning civilians (“Someone to Bay- 
watch Over Me”). 


People all over the world 
are thrilled. 


OA 1% — 
EN 


The people of earth rejoice. 


ж Making dweebish husbands look 
cool so they can win back the affection 
of their adulterous wives (“Кеа Wind"). 
# Spinning on finger to wow the babes 
(opening credits to every episode). 


BEWARE THE BAY SIREN 
Baywatch lifeguard C.J. Parker has а 
mysterious way of attracting every 
man on the beach. Unfortunately. 
most of her suitors suffer a person- 
al tragedy shortly after meeting 
her. Is C.J. the perfect woman or a 
siren who lures men to destruc- 
tion? Here is a list of some of the 
men who have had brushes with 
C.J. and whose lives have subse- 
quently been ravaged. 


JOHN D. CORT: Lost eyesight. 
CARLTON: Fell off cliff. 

KARL: Killed by an escaped convict, 
then dumped into ocean. 

MARONI THE MAGNIFICENT; Came per- 
ilously dose to drowning during a bun- 
gled underwater stunt. 

FATHER RYAN: Lost faith and almost gave 
up priesthood. 

MATT BRODY: Spent $5000 to pay off her 
gambling debts. 

DJ LARRY “LOOMIN" LARGE: Convicted of 
fraud and embezzlement. 


MITCH BUCHANNON, 
ZEN MASTER? A Quiz 
Below are a few quotes by Lieutenant 
Buchannon mixed with sayings from 
Zen masters. See if you can tell which 

are which. 


ФА wave is like a natural pulse: It re- 
minds people that they're alive 

49 A fish swims in the ocean, and 

no matter how far it swims 

there's no end to the water. 

4) An ancient once said, 

“Throw false spirituality away 

like a pair of old shoes." 

4) Old Chinese saying: “When you res- 
cue someone from drowning, you must 
provide him with dry clothes.” 

© Just put attachment out of your 
mind: This world is paradise. 

© Gota seize the moment, cookie. 

4 There's no sun, по air, no pool, 
no pecs! 

© No good, thank you. No bad, thank 
you. No “no,” thank you. 

© There are a lot of other ways to feel 


alive than by being a criminal. 

© Бопт expect to practice hard and 
not experience the weird. 

% Men and cigarettes are known only 

after they've turned to smoke. 

Ф Even if we're not dying, we have to 

treat other people as if it's our and 

their last day. 

4p If you love your life, kill yourself. 

Once done, you're deathless. 

Ф I think that you should unbutton 
your collar. 

(Answer: 1,4, 6,7, 9, 12 and 14 are by 
Mitch; 2, 3, 5, 8, 10, 11 and 13 are by 
Zen masters.) 


How TO TALK LIKE A LIFE- 
GUARDING DUDE 

To be a successful Baywatcher, you 
have to be able to talk the talk. But 
conversing like a bona fide California 
lifeguard із not so simple as explaining 
the difference between a rip current 
and an undertow. You will also need to 
be well versed in some of the terminol- 
ogy. Here area few 
examples from 

the definitive 
dictionary of 
lifeguard lin- 
во, (concluded 
on page 
180) 


81 


PLAYBOY 


82 


THE STALLION „аро 


Roberta threw aside her black dress. “I want to do 
something we've never done before,” she said. 


If she couldn't find the remains of a 
fire, she would sit down and pull all the 
tape out of the cartridges. Then she 
would tear it to bits and scatter the bits 
in the surf. 

But a hundred yards south she 
found what she hoped she might find: 
the final glowing coals of someone's 
fire. At the edge of the tide were bits of 
driftwood and palm frond. She gath- 
ered a little fuel. Keeping the fire low, 
she pulled the tape out of the car- 
tridges—her own first—and laid it on 
the flames. The tape burned quickly, 
with a little more flare than she would 
have liked. When she had burned all 
the tapes, she let the heat melt the car- 
tridges. She covered the melted mess 
with sand to cool it, and after a few 
minutes carried it out into the surf. She 
cast it out as far as she could, walked 
out of the water and started back to- 
ward the house. 


No one screamed. When she came 
downstairs in the morning, Roberta in- 
tercepted her before she reached the 
lanai and told her Number One had 
died in the night of a massive coronary. 

“Well, he made his hundred years,” 
Betsy commented. She had nothing 
more to say. 

It was noon before the formalities 
were concluded. Even so, word had 
gone out over the wires: Loren Harde- 
man I was dead. 

A telegram arrived from New York: 


Shocked and distressed to learn of 
death of Loren Hardeman I. My per- 
sonal sympathy to all members of his 
family and all his many friends, among 
whom I include myself. He was a giant 
of the automobile industry, which will 

never be the same without him, 
Angelo Perino 

. 


Angelo had heard talk that the old 
man had changed his will to disinherit 
Betsy and her son, Loren ІУ, and to 
settle control firmly in Loren III's 
hands. But the will that came to pro- 
bate contained nothing surprising. 
Betsy inherited. Control rested, even 
so, in Loren, who would vote his own 
stock, and іп the Hardeman Founda- 
tion, which would vote its stock. A ma- 
jority of the trustees of the foundation 
would vote along with Loren. 


Angelo was aware that the death of 
Number One left him with no appeal if 
Number Three decided to bail out of 
his new car project. He was staying at 
Dukes Hotel on St. James’ Place іп 
London, a small, very old and very tra- 
ditional hotel. He had arrived on Mon- 
day—a week before Christmas—to 
meet with the bankers who would 
finance production of the car. He 
would Ву home on Thursday. Roberta 
had been there since Friday and would 
Ну home the following Friday. They 
had three nights. 

As far as Loren was concerned, 
Roberta was in London for Christmas 
shopping and the theater. Maybe he 
knew and maybe he didn't know that 
Angelo was in London, too. 

“I bought you a present,” Roberta 
told Angelo as they walked out of the 
hotel arcade. 

She handed Angelo a box. They 
stopped in the entrance to the arcade 
while he opened it. Inside was a 
Burberrys raincoat. Не didn't know its 
exact price, but he knew a Burberrys 
coat cost more than $500. Quite a pres- 
ent, indeed. 

He didn't like this relationship with 
Roberta. What he had going with Betsy 
was altogether different. Roberta was a 
vigorous, noisy piece of ass. How noisy 
she would get if he turned her out was 
a question. He didn't trust her. 

. 


At a Lebanese restaurant оп Shep- 
herd Market, Angelo requested one or- 
der of lambs' testicles as an appetizer 
for the two of them. Westerners who 
ate them did it more for the adventure 
than because they tasted good. They 
were in no sense nauseating, but they 
were definitely an acquired taste. Oth- 
er parts of the lamb would be served as 
the entrée. 

Otherwise, they ate hummus on 
crisp Lebanese bread, lots of wrinkly 
black and green Greek olives, toma- 
toes, radishes and carrots—all with two 
bottles of excellent Lebanese red wine. 

“Business,” Roberta said when she 
had eaten two lambs’ testicles and was 
cleansing her palate with olives and 
wine. “Loren would like to kick your 
ass. 

Angelo glanced at the two Middle 
Eastern men at the next table, which 
was so close that they could no doubt 
hear everything he and Roberta were 


saying. The two men had been talking 
in Arabic, and if they understood what 
“kick your ass” meant, they showed no 
sign of it. 

“Be specific, Roberta.” 

“All right. He has it in mind to op- 
pose the new car—more to screw you 
than for any other reason. The key is to 
make him think he's important. What's 
the name of the new car? Perhaps if 
Loren named it, he'd ——" 

Angelo grinned. "I know what I 
want to call it,” he said. “I'd like to call 
it the 1800. The engine displacement is 
1800 cubic centimeters." 

Roberta ran her tongue over her 
lips. "No way. The American public 
isn't ready for a car called just “1800.” 
It has to have a name." 

"Like what?" 

She smiled, at first amused. Then 
the smile spread into something 
wicked. “Hey! ‘Stallion.’ For my Italian 
stallion. ГЇЇ get Loren to suggest that 
name. Naming the car makes him look 
big in his own eyes. That may gratify 
his ego enough to keep him from try- 
ing to kill the project. He'll never guess 
what it means. It'll be our secret, and 
every üme we hear it we can laugh." 

"If he guesses, if he even gets the 
least suspicion in his mind, he'll scuttle 
the project." 

“Believe me, he won't. Leave that 
to me.” 


The elegant little room in Dukes Ho- 
tel had a fireplace, in which some logs 
had already been placed. All Angelo 
had to do was touch a match to the kin- 
dling underneath the logs, and the fire 
would catch and burn. 

While he did this, Roberta threw 
aside her black dress, her bra and her 
panties and waited for him in a black 
garter belt that held up dark stockings. 

“I want to do something we've never 
done before,” she said. “I want to give 
you something you've never had. What 
would that be, Angelo? Is there some- 
thing you've dreamed of doing but 
have never done?” 

“Га rather just fuck you, Roberta.” 

“And you better! But I was thinking 
for starters, to get you up good and 
stiff.” 

"I'm good and stiff now.” 

“And all covered up. Let's see.” She 
reached for him and began to undo his 
clothes. “Oh my God, you are, aren’t 

ou?" 

She helped him undress until he was 
naked, with his engorged phallus 
standing almost horizontal. 

Roberta laughed. “You lie down on 
your back, lover,” she said. “I'm gonna 

(continued on page 190) 


“You mean no one else is coming to the party? 
Just us and fantastic sex?” 


Th 


article by D. KEITH MANO 


PROLOGUE 


IM WRITING here about a new human sexuality— 
at least that. A sexuality in which all men are just. 
as potent as they care to be, in which there is nei- 
ther failure nor the shadow of failure. I know. Af- 
ter five weeks of outpatient treatment, I went 
from Mr. Maybe to Mr. Magic Probe. АШ this de- 
spite tough luck and a whole mess of self-sabo- 
tage. Remember: For you, it'll probably take less 
than half that time. And most likely you won't ex- 
perience any of the horrid events I endured. 

Impotence is a vicious word. It denotes limp- 
ness, cowardice, inadequacy and critical impair- 
ment. The subject is so Sppaling it doesn't even 
have a place in the male rhetoric of insult. Men, 
по matter how irritated, almost never call one ап- 
other impotent. We may accuse another guy of 
excessive fellatio or Oedipal sex, but we'll never 
use the word castrato or eunuch. I don't know 
about you, but I’m just a little, oh, superstitious. 
Which is probably why you've heard almost zero 
about prostaglandin treatment for impotence 
(what we will hereinafter call erectile dysfunction, 
or ED). Fifty-two percent of American men be- 
tween the ages of 40 and 70 have at some time ex- 
perienced chronic ED. Think about it: 20 million 
human beings afflicted with shame. It has the am- 
plitude ofa plague. 

But the magic bullet has been concocted. By the 
year 2000 almost all men who so desire will be 
able to perform sexually on command. And that's 
why they call it the millennium. 

Reflect for a while. Easy access to chemical 
machismo will mean, for instance: 

(1) Our lovemaking no longer will be held 
hostage by а five- or six-inch length of self-impor- 
tant smooth muscle tissue. 

(2) Men won't feel nervous, shamed and incom- 
plete because some dumb artery didn't fill some 
dumb muscle tissue with blood on cue or for long 
enough. 

(3) Women won't feel nervous, shamed and in- 
complete because they couldn’t inspire some 
dumb artery to fillsome (continued on page 96) 


what one brave 
man found— 
and endured— 
on his quest for 
the four-hour 


woody 


ILLUSTRATION BY THOMAS SCIACCA 


fashion by Hollis Wayne 


itt Playboy ОҚ 


the latest tailored 
menswear styles are 
sophisticated and 
sexy—just like the 
magazine that in- 
spired their name 


IT was the ultimate compliment: 
When The New York Тітех and the 
News Record (a fashion im- 
bible) referred to the 
ated styling of the 
they 
called it the Playboy Look. With 
energy, charisma and an on-the 
town attitude, these new suits are 
a sharp contrast to the baggy, 
laid-back styles of the Eighties. 
Jackets are tim and structured, 
with side vents, strong shoulders 
and slightly tapered waists. This 
slim silhouette is offered in ıwo- 
and three-button single-breast- 
ed versions, six-button double- 
breasted ones—and even in 
three-piece styles with matching 
vests. Keep an eye on trim-fitted 
trousers, too, and for rich, dark 
fabrics accented by a variety of 
stripes. Other items that put the 
Playboy spin on your wardrobe 
include white spread-collar dress. 
shirts with French culls, and sol- 
id, jacquard or tone-on-tone ties. 
Power shoes, such as wing tips 
and oxfords, give the Playboy 
Look its distinctive spring. 


At right (in foreground): The quint- 
essential Playboy Look—fitted sui 
spread-collar shirt, silk tie ond ox- 

fords. For more details, see a close- 
up of the ensemble on poge 89. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DANIELA FEDERICI 


Tolk about a smaoth landing. The 
trio below sports slick variations on 
the Lothario theme. The gentlemon 
at for left, for example, combines о 
wool flonnel three-button single- 
breosted suit with pinstripes (obout 
$800), a cotton dress shirt with 
French cuffs ($150) and a silk tie 
(bout $70), all from Polo by Rolph 
Louren, with a linen pocket square 
by Tino Cosma (520), leather split- 
toe oxfords by Polo Ralph Lauren 
Footweor (5295) and o leather 
briefcase by Dunhill ($675). The 
man behind him teoms a wool pin- 
striped three-piece single-breasted 
suit by Canali (about $1200), а 
striped cotton dress shirt with 
French cuffs, by Sulko ($195) and о 
silk satin tie by Robert Tolbott 
(obout 570). The third man wears a 
tropicol wool three-button single- 
breasted suit with bicolored pin- 
stripes (52170) and с cotton 
French-cuff shirt (5395), both by 
Richord Tyler, plus a silk woven rep- 
stripe tie by Sulko (590) 


Even Giorgio Armani hos forsak- 
en the Бадау suit in favor of the 
slimmed-down Nineties silhou- 
ette. His Nuova Forma suits, as 
he calls them, include this wool 


біле ікенігі suit ($2025) that 
louble-pleated 
troucors—(The high-button 
stance vest is sold separolely for 
5500.) We've joined it with a 
cotton French-cuffed shirt ($95), 
silk satin tie (about $70) and 
linen pocket square (about $40), 
oll by Robert Talbott, and leather 
oxfords by J.M. Weston ($465). 


— 
=~ 
pom 


LOCATION: FOUR SEASONS RESTAURANT, NEW YORK CITY 


This sophisticated Armani man 
wears the latest laak in dauble- 
breasted suits. It’s up close and 
personal with the Playboy Laak: 
о wool slender-cut six-button 
pin-striped model that features 
side vents, strang shaulders, 
peaked lapels and trim, fitted oe 
dauble-pleated trausers (about 
$2200). It’s shown with a crisp 1 
cattan dress shirt by Canali (abaut 

$180) and a solid-calared, wo- t 
ven silk tie from Best of Class by Й 
Robert Talbott (about $110). (4% 


At the tail end of our feature, 
we share a familiar sight: the 
satisfied playboy. He's sporting 
a wool flannel chalk-striped 
thre suit by Sulka 
(52350), а striped cotton dress 
shirt by Dunhill (about $100), a 
tone-on-tone silk tie with a her- 
ringbane weave, fram Best af 
Class by Robert Talbott ($105) 
and leather wing tips by J.M. 
Weston ($535). Draped over his 
shoulders is a wool melton her- 
ringbone double-breasted top- 
coat, by Canali ($1150). 


STYLING BY LEEW. MOORE 
FOR KRAMER + KRAMER, 


HAIR/MAKEUPBY GARETH GREEN 
FOR ZOLI ILLUSIONS. 


GROOMING BY DICKEY FOR 
FORD IMAGE, NYC. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE $73. 


E 


OMANCING 
THE 
NEW YEAR 


welcome in 1996 
at one of the 
world’s mast 
sensual places 


IMAGINE spending New Year's Eve at an Italian villa 
nestled in the misty hills that Titian painted and Palla- 
dio dotted with palaces. The restaurant in the villa is 
one of Italy's finest, known for its outstanding entrées 
and wines. The evening is black tie, your meal is can- 
dielit. At midnight, amid a popping of corks and cries 
of “buon anno,” your date is presented with a pair of 
earrings. The Villa Cipriani, less than an hour north- 
west of Venice, is just one of the following eight hotels, 
resorts and restaurants bringing unparalleled ro- 
mance to the most celebrated night of the year. 
Whether your preference is a dinner for two over- 
looking Manhattan or a feast on the Left Bank of 
Paris, here are the world’s best places to ring in 1996. 


THE TERRACE 
400 West 119th Street 
New York City 


While 250,000 human icicles huddle downtown to 
watch a ball descend a pole in Times Square, you 
could be enjoying New Year's Eve watching the moon 
rise over the New York City skyline uptown at the Ter- 
race, a place New Yorkers tend to keep to themselves. 
Situated atop a Columbia University dormitory, this 
glass-walled, candlelit dining room provides a breath- 
taking panorama—from Central Park to the George 
Washington Bridge to the East River, all the way to 
Long Island. On New Year's Eve, chef Ossama Mickail 
offers an excellent five-course dinner that includes 
smoked Norwegian salmon, New York foie gras with 
apples, and loin of veal with sweet onion mousse and 
morel sauce, plus a lavish dessert. There's also danc- 
ing to music into the night. (212-666-9490.) 


LE MANOIR AUX QUAT'SAISONS 
Great Milton, England 


When you finish wedging your car among the Rolls- 
Royces, Aston-Martins and Bentleys parked at this 
extraordinary 15th century manor, you'll quickly dis- 
cover why well-heeled Brits have long used Le Manoir 
as a romantic getaway. Situated in the beautiful 


modern living ly John Oldcastle 


ILLUSTRATION BY WILSON MCLEAN 


93 


PLAYBOY 


94 


Cotswold countryside about 90 miles 
northwest of London, Le Manoir has 
19 bedrooms that feature exquisite an- 
tiques and a view of the magnificent 
gardens and grounds. The restaurant, 
with both an oak-beamed dining room 
and an airy conservatory, is headed by 
chef Raymond Blanc, who currently 
has two Michelin stars. The wine cellar 
is considered one of the finest іп Eu- 
rope. The holiday weekend begins with 
a Saturday evening champagne гесер- 
tion and harp recital, followed by a 
sumptuous dinner. On New Year’s Eve 
you'll enjoy a lavish nine-course meal 
that ends with the town crier ushering 
in 1996. An informal wine tasting is of- 
fered on New Year's Day. Prices for the 
weekend range from $1000 to $1400 
per person. (011-44-1-844-278881; or 
toll-free from the U.S.: 800-845-4274.) 


CHEECA LODGE 
Islamorada, Florida 


Key West throws one hell of a bash 
on New Year's Eve, but if you're look- 
ing for an oasis of elegant calm, the 
Cheeca Lodge in Islamorada is the best 
place in the Keys to find it. Situated 
about halfway between Miami and Key 
West, the Cheeca is a resort for those 
who can afford privacy. It has banned 
jet skis from the beachfront in order to 
maintain quiet for the occupants of its 
203 villas and guest rooms, as well as to 
protect the area’s marine life. During 
the New Year's holiday, you can book 
seven days in the palatial presidential 
suite for a mere $15,000, but one of the 
more realistic packages offers a week- 
long stay for $4500 that includes a 
room for two in the main lodge or an 
oceanfront villa. They'll toss in a five- 
course dinner on New Year's Eve. The 
lodge's two oceanside restaurants are 
excellent, with chef Dawn Sieber fea- 
turing local seafood in dishes such as 
baby snapper with Thai spices and 
tomato-mango chutney, mahimahi 
baked in phyllo served with a balsamic 
vinegar glaze, and onion-crusted Flori- 
da yellowtail with braised artichokes. 
(800-327-2888.) 


THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL 
9641 Sunset Boulevard 
Beverly Hills, California 


For many people, the bubble-gum— 
pink Beverly Hills Hotel epitomizes the 
glamour of old Hollywood, a place 
where Marilyn Monroe dallied with 
Yves Montand and where Liz Taylor 
honeymooned with most of her hus- 
bands. But over the years the hotel de- 
teriorated. The decor became thread- 
bare, the window air conditioners 
rattled and phone messages never ar- 
rived. But $100 million has added con- 


siderable luster to this landmark. After 
being closed for two and a half years, 
the newly renovated hotel is a dazzling 
testament to California design and ar- 
chitecture. The hotel has retained 
many of its beloved motifs but now fea- 
tures larger and more elegant rooms 
(though there are fewer of them). And 
while its restaurants, including the fa- 
mous Polo Lounge, are once again 
considered hot Hollywood hangouts, 
the Beverly Hills Hotel is offering 
something special for New Year's Eve: 
a lavish in-room candlelit dinner with a 
bottle of Veuve Clicquot champagne 
and a meal from the Polo Grill that in- 
cludes beluga caviar, white truffe ravi- 
oli and rack of lamb. (310-276-2251.) 


VILLA CIPRIANI 
Asolo, Italy 


The little Veneto town of Asolo is a 
renowned antiques center with streets 
50 narrow that cars аге an only осса- 
sional intrusion. Its Villa Cipriani is a 
31-room hotel that was once a Renais- 
sance estate where Robert Browning 
wrote love poems. The restaurant at 
the villa is known for its ravioli with 
radicchio and mascarpone, ramekins 
of cheese layered with white truffles, 
and filet of beef in an olive-bread crust 
with madeira sauce. These and other 
Italian dishes are served at the hotel's 
exclusive New Year's Eve gala. Only 
120 people will partake of the night's 
festivities, which begin with a black-tie 
dinner and dancing. At midnight, 
women receive a gift (probably a piece 
of gold or silver jewelry), and two 
hours later, you can sample the “crazy 
buffet,” which includes such local spe- 
cialties as pennette with hot peppers 
(“to make everyone dance until five 
AM." says a hotel spokesperson) and 
lentils and pork sausage (“а symbol of 
monetary good luck for the New 
Year”). (011-39-423-952166.) 


"TRAPPER'S CABIN 
Всаусг Creck Resort. 
Avon, Colorado 


Set at 9500 feet in an alpine meadow 
near Уай, Trapper's Cabin is a remote 
and romantic place to spend New 
Year's Eve. There is no TV or phone, 
but who cares? The four-bedroom cab- 
in has the rustic chic of a Ralph Lauren 
showroom—complete with a library of 
books and board games. By day, you 
can ski in perfect Colorado powder, 
then relax in the outdoor hot tub be- 
fore taking a cozy spot in front of the 
cabin's enormous fireplace. In the 
evening, you can enjoy cocktails while 
your cabin's personal chef prepares a 
meal of game. A cabinkeeper cleans up, 
then wakes you late the next morning 


for bloody marys and breakfast. While 
such sybaritism doesn't come cheap— 
$500 per person per night, with a 
$2000 minimum—it should provide an 
unforgettable New Year's Eve. (303- 
845-7900). 


HIGHLANDS INN 
Carmel, California 


When Marlon Brando, Catherine 
Deneuve, Clint Eastwood or Madonna 
want to get away from it all, they head 
for Highlands Inn—a romantic hilltop 
retreat at the gateway to Big Sur with 
rooms offering fireplaces, sunken Ja- 
cuzzis and private decks. The inn also 
houses the Pacific’s Edge, one of the 
most acclaimed restaurants in the West. 
On New Year's Eve, chef Cal Stamenov 
will prepare a lavish five-course meal 
that includes smoked-sturgeon tart 
with caviar, fricassee of Maine lobster 
and sca scallops, asparagus-and-lemon 
salad, roast veal with chanterelles and 
truffles, grilled escolar with wild fen- 
nel, sorbet and a dessert. The dinner is 
accompanied by four wines plus a 
champagne toast at midnight. (The 
Edge has a superb wine cellar.) The 
Highlands' four-night Romantic Inter- 
lude package is available from Decem- 
ber 29 to January 2 for about $2000 
per couple. It includes champagne, 
flowers, an ocean-view suite, the afore- 
mentioned New Year's Eve dinner, a 
New Year's Day picnic, a massage for 
two in your room, bathrobes and trans- 
portation from and to the Monterey 
airport. (800-689-4811.) 


HOTEL LUTETIA 
45 Boulevard Raspail 
Paris, France 


From the balconies of the rooms on 
the Boulevard Raspail at Hótel Lutétia, 
you can see the Left Bank, the gold 
dome of Les Invalides and the Eiffel 
Tower. The Lutétia has 28 luxurious 
art deco suites and is a favorite among 
journalists and the international fash- 
ion crowd. Your New Year's celebra- 
tion will take you to the hotel's dark- 
paneled, 35-seat restaurant, which is 
appropriately named Paris. Here, chef 
Philippe Renard will serve an eight- 
course meal that includes appetizers, 
foie gras, two seafood dishes, sorbet, a 
game dish, dessert, coffee and choco- 
lates, plus Taittinger champagne. 
Room rates are $185 to $275 per night. 
We recommend a late breakfast the 
next day at the hotel’s other restau- 
rant, Brasserie, followed by a stroll 
along the winding streets of Ste.-Ge 
main-des-Prés. (011-33-1-49-54-4646; 
or toll-free from the 800-888-4747.) 


RILA VIBION GC FAT МЕЯНЕУ 


Talk about drive. Less than three years ago, Jenny McCarthy the Year for 1994. With a video debut on Playboy TV, now 
gave up nursing for modeling and aimed her career path she’s the hot co-host of MTV's wildly popular Singled Out 
toward PLAYBOY. Before you could sat ck," the Chica- and appears with actor Tom Arnold in this winter's up- 
go native was Miss October 1993 and crowned Playmate of coming film The Stupids. Smart casting—Jenny's irresistible. 95 


PLAYBOY 


95 


DINK NLIPIN (меген paee s4 


Padma-Nathan can get а тізе from just about any 
man. This is Lourdes for the logless. 


dumb muscle tissue with blood on cue 
or for long enough. 

(4) We can all be Zorba the Quinn, if 
we want to be. With prostaglandin, 
most men can haul up an erection по 
matter what their age. 

(5) Married couples who can no lon- 
ger create hardness between them- 
selves (because of age or familiarity or 
other factors) will be able to jump- 
start their passion with prostaglandin. 
And then maybe he won't need that 
young thing to stiffen his resolve. 

(6) Men with chronic diseases that af- 
fect their sexual performance will not 
forfeit their manhood. (I have Parkin- 
son's—and, no, mine doesn't work like 
a vibrator, thank you.) 

(7) Men who are confident in their 
sexual prowess tend to use condoms 
more willingly. 

(8) Gender boundaries will blur. Men 
will be able to assume a more passive 
role if they so elect. 

(9) Every day will feel like springtime 
in New York. 

So pay attention. I underwent great 
physical discomfort—hell, 1 became a 
white rat—to bring you this report 
from a brave new world. Remember: 
Most men will not need any of the in- 
vasive tests I signed up for. Pay atten- 
tion. And don’t try this at home. 

е 


Monday, March 13, 1995 

I think you'll like Dr. Harin Padma- 
Nathan. Born in Sri Lanka, age 39, 
trim and handsome, with a complexion 
the color of a polished grand piano. 
And lucky. A pioneer in pharmacologi- 
cal ED research, Dr. Padma-Nathan, 
assistant professor of clinical urology at 
the University of Southern California 
and director of the Male Clinic in San- 
ta Monica, is in the right place at the 
right time with the right jism. Aided by 
his staff of attractive and quite unjudg- 
mental young women, Padma-Nathan 
сап get a rise from just about апу man. 
This is Lourdes for the logless, where 
your plowshare will get beaten back 
into a sword. And Padma-Nathan's 
examination-room manner has the 
right combination of detachment and 
reverence. 

He is both kind and simpatico. (Pad- 
ma-Nathan didn't know until the pre- 
vious Wednesday that Га be doing this 
article.) And he has the passion of a 
faith healer. “We take people who 
haven't seen their penis егесі in ten 


years. Erect? They may not have seen 
their penis flaccid because their tummy 
is a little bigger. We create ап erection 
for them, so they see something they 
associate with pleasure and self-grat- 
ification. It validates their existence to 
see that again. And it isn't artificial —it's 
their old friend back.” 

My old friend hasn't left yet, but 
Parkinson's is a degenerative condition 
and the door may shut at any time. Ifit 
should, 1 want to have six dozen bot- 
tled hard-ons waiting in my refrigera- 
tor. 1 also want to be sure there is no 
other physiological dysfunction than 
PD affecting my gladius. (Well, yes, gla- 
dius. If the female sex organ і а vagi- 
na. which means sheath in Latin. then 
the male member should be a gladius, 
which means sword. Gladius—listen 
to it. Sounds better than that other 
clinical, hairless, pipsqueak word. Glad 
for short. A condom, of course, is a 
glad bag.) 

Anyway, Padma-Nathan is now recit- 
ing the carte du jour of available diag- 
nostic tests. I’ve already had blood tak- 
en for a testosterone count (normal). 
And Padma-Nathan has used the bio- 
thesiometer on me (this is a vibrat- 
ing doohickus that can rate skin sensi- 
tivity—men lose receptors with age.) 
There remain the following tests: 

(1) PSA (which monitors prostate- 
specific antigen levels—but don't ask 
me why). 

(2) Rigiscan (a machine that can as- 
sess nocturnal penile tumescence and 
rigidity. In lay language, it measures 
your nighttime boners). 

(3) Ultrasound (measures blood flow 
into the glad). 

(4) Dynamic infusion cavernosome- 
try and cavernosography, or DICC. 
“Rather memorable initials,” says Pad- 
ma-Nathan, who was part of a research 
team that developed the DICC. (Tests 
blood inflow, veno-occlusion and— 
eeec—your pain threshold.) 

(5) Bladder scan—at my sugges- 
tion—will test your bladder control 
and general urodynamics, while mak- 
ing you confess—eeee—to anything. 

In fairness, Padma-Nathan has tried 
to dissuade me from ordering the en- 
tire menu. “Are you sure, Mr. Mano? 
Some of these tests are invasive. I don't 
think you're a surgical candidate—" 

But no, no, I've flown all the way 
from JFK, I'm booked to fly back іп 
three days and—no, no—only the best 
for my glad. 


Somehow I don't hear him say "inva- 
sive." Maybe because, at just that mo- 
ment, Mildred comes swinging in 
through the door. 


Mildred lies there—spread out and 
vulnerable—on my hotel bed. I'm feel- 
ing, oh, rather shy. I've never met а 
person (that is how I think of Mildred) 
who straps onto your thigh. 

First you take this Velcro holster and 
wrap it groin-high around whichever 
leg you don't sleep on. (Figure that one 
out.) Then you slide Mildred, a four- 
pound machine, into the holster, from 
which she will fall out all night. Mil- 
dred, of course, is the Rigiscan ambula- 
tory rigidity and tumescence moni- 
tor—a computer that will measure my 
erection size and duration while I (try 
to) sleep. Extending from Mildred on 
soft wire is a cloth and a pair of metal 
rings. Thesc—one around my tip, one 
around my base—open and close every 
other minute or so, with a spiteful whir. 
It's like getting a hand job from R2-D2. 

"Turned over too fast at four A.M. and 
Mildred gave me one good whacko in 
the pod. Does this mean counseling? 

. 


Tuesday, March 14 

1 lie on an operating table in the gray 
bowels of USC University Hospital. 
Padma-Nathan has just administered 
local anesthesia. It didn't hurt—no 
more, anyhow, than it hurts when 1 
pull my zipper up too fast. Nurse Tina, 
compassionate and deft, is prepping 
me for a test to detect blood leakage in 
my erectile chambers. І figure she has 
seen more flies than Beelzebub. While 
ме wait, Padma-Nathan tells me about 
the anatomy of a good stiffer: 

“To get an erection, you need three 
things. You need normally functioning 
nerves to stimulate the smooth muscle 
tissue of the penis to relax. When the 
muscle relaxes, the erection chambers 
fill with blood. If the chambers do not 
leak—that is, if they allow vein closure, 
you have a rigid erection. Let me offer 
an analogy: In order to fill a bathtub 
you need a faucet—the incoming 
artery. And you need a vein-closure 
mechanism—a drain plug—to trap the 
blood. 

“In those people who present chron- 
ic erectile dysfunction, the vast majori- 
ty will have a vascular abnormality 
brought on largely by lifestyle factors. 
In the more than 4000 patients we 
have studied, the number one risk fac- 
tor is cigarette smoking. Next is a high 
cholesterol level, followed by diabe- 
tes and high blood pressure. Another 
risk factor may be the use of anabol- 
ic steroids.” (I know of one famous 

(continued on page 128) 


“No, I don’t believe we've met. Who are you—one of 
Santa's little helpers?” 


98 


ЕММІ5 RODMAN is staring at his crotch. “I had it 
done, bro,” he cracks, his voice full of cock- 
sure bravado. 
“What?” I ask, trying to follow his mean- 
ing, if not his gaze. 
His blonde, curvaceous girlfriend, Stacy 
Yarbrough, flashes a proprietary, that's-my-man grin. “His 
scrotum,” she says, letting the word linger on her lips. 

“I did!” Rodman confirms. Then he winces. “But I had to 
have it taken out. It got infected.” 

A double-fanged rattlesnake bite is his souvenir of the 
time when, late one night this past summer in Los Angeles, 
he walked into a tattoo parlor on Santa Monica Boulevard 
and paid to have a silver hoop stapled through the taproot 
of his manhood. 

Being the badass of basketball takes balls. And Dennis 
Rodman—now forward of the Chicago Bulls, the NBA's 
leading rebounder, Madonna's former flame, a cross-dress- 
ing, hard-gambling, thrill-seeking poster boy for an apoca- 
lyptic era in American sports—is up to the game, and the 
pain that goes with it. He has pierced his nose, ears, navel 
and scrotum. He bleaches his hair with acid in four-hour, 
scalp-scalding sessions, then dyes it with shades of color that 
span the psychedelic rainbow. Nearly every inch of his torso 
has been tattooed. 

Publicly displaying the raw wounds of his psyche is what 
the Demolition Man does for fun. He is not about to be beat- 
en by a scrotal infection. “It's almost healed now, bro,” he 
says. “Then I'm gonna redo it.” 

e 


It's a Tuesday night in Dallas’ gay and lesbian quarter, and 
Dennis Rodman, 34, is on a date: He'll get two tattoos, con- 
sume a spaghetti dinner and enjoy an all-male strip show, all 
of which he will narrate in his ranting style. Sprawled in the 
Freudian psychoanalytical position across a low-slung den- 
tist’s chair in Trilogy Tattoos, Rodman is adding a pair of 
blood-red dice and a Mi Vida Loco script to his ever-grow- 
ing personal canvas. Outside, tight-assed boys in jackboots 
and teenage lesbians stream toward a gay club, where moon- 
lighting mechanics and shop clerks do the grind with their 
Jeans down. “This is our favorite neighborhood,” he says. 

In this bunker away from pro basketball, this neighbor- 
hood where he feels safe, Rodman offers insight into the 
deepest recesses of his brain. At present the neurons are rag- 
ing, for Dennis Rodman is fighting for his life. Not on the 
basketball court but off. 

He stares up from the stencil the tattoo artist is sketching 
across his deltoid. “The game on the court is too easy for 
me,” he says. “I got the game on the court in my fucking 
hands!” 

He shuts his big, black liquid eyes and plays air guitar, 
then blinks them open with a start. “I love to play basket- 
ball,” he says. “But I love to play basketball under the Den- 
nis Rodman System.” 

He refers to himself in the third person, as if some super- 
natural spirit has come to inhabit the mortal he once was 
“The Dennis Rodman System is to go out there and kick 
somebody's ass. Live your life to the fullest—that's the way 
Dennis Rodman lives. That's his rule. That's my rule. I want 
to live life the way life should be lived.” 

He is crazy, no doubt about that. Craziness is Rodman's 
salvation. If he ever stops being crazy, if he ever conforms, 
then "they" will trap him. It's a weird vampireland out 
there, weirder than any place his pea-green-covered skull 
could conjure up, filled with rapacious suits, vengeful 
women and suck-butt fans, all seeking to 
drain him of his individuality, his lifeblood. 
“You're a piece of meat,” he says about the 
NBA's attitude. He imagines the league's 


PLAYBOY 


PROFILE 


coaches and moneymen coming for him, their fangs bared, 
thirsty for his throat, then leaving his carcass for the past- 
his-prime wolves of sports anonymity: cruises, TV commen- 
tary, remaindered autobiography. 

“Once you get out of the NBA, there is no more clapping, 
there is no more hoopla,” he says 

He shakes his head, as if warding off demons. “Snay,” he 
says, uttering his oft-employed slang for “not on your life.” 

“They throw you away.” The landscape is littered with the 
remains of the fallen. O.J. Simpson? “He just went into the 
world of the suits. I'm not going to go into the world of 
the suits. That's losing it right there. All of a sudden, you're 
gonna be a suit?” 

Michael Jordan, Shaquille O’Neal, David Robinson? All 
victims of what Rodman calls the Pedestal, so seduced by 


The Bad 
Boy of 
Basketball 


A piercing portrait of 
basketball's illustrated man, 
Dennis Rodman, and the woman 
who brought him to heel 


By MARK SEAL 


Photography by Harry Benson 


money and fame that they've forgotten the reason they start- 
ed playing. His former teammates with the San Antonio 
Spurs? Rodman says they are so lost that management had 
to enlist motivational speaker Tony Robbins to boost self-es- 
teem before last season's playoffs. Only Rodman stood apart, 
he says. "It's a bunch of bullshit!” he rages. 

He spreads his arms wide, extolling the funky glory 
framed between them. “I have power,” he declares. “Within 
myself. But the only power I have that people notice is when 
they see Dennis Rodman. The exterior . . . the package. I 
can do anything that I want because of this right here. And 
the name.” 

This is his salvation, he figures, the one thing that will en- 
dure. The hair, the piercings, the in-your-face defiance are 
war paint for the long postseason ahead. 

Now, at the peak of his basketball notoriety, he seeks to 
transfer his wild-child persona from court to camera. A cack- 
le rumbles from deep within him. “I could do something 
else, but show business is what I do on the court. So that'll be 
my next career.” 

He says this as fact, not possibility, even 
though he's never had an acting lesson. 
“My dream is to just go out there and 


100 


express Dennis Rodman,” he says. "Be the first athlete to re- 
ally do something.” 

“What about Shaquille?” 1 ask. “He's done movies.” Rod- 
man groans. “Oh, yeah,” he says. “But he didn't have that 
many lines. All he did was go out there and dunk the 
damned basketball. He really didn't do anything, bro. He 
didn't have a role! I want a role that's more challenging. I'll 
go on the damned TV like Гуе been there all my life. Action 
movies. I'd rather be the bad guy.” 

Spending 80 percent of the 1995 off-season in Los Ange- 
les, Rodman stoked the fire: guest spots on the TV series 
Courthouse with Robin Givens on CBS and Misery Loves Com- 
pany on Fox, two 60-second commercials endorsing some- 
thing called the ASA Psychic Network (“because I'm psy- 
chic”) and his first big-screen movie role in Eddie, Whoopi 
Goldberg's forthcoming basketball film. But all this is a mere 
prelude, Rodman swears. He says that he is presently hold- 
ing meetings for his own talk show, which he suggests calling 
The Denise Rodman Show; he would interview his guests in 
drag. RuPaul crossed with Arsenio Hall. 

“You never see it on TV,” he 
says excitedly. “If I get my 
show, you'll see that. You nev- 
er know what to expect from 
Dennis Rodman.” 

Erik, the tattoo artist, hoists 
his needle rig. It begins to 
scream. 

“You ready?” he asks. 

“Do I have a choice?” asks 
Rodman. Erik flashes a lizard 
grin, and the silver stud in his 
tongue glistens. “Во you have 
a choice?” Erik says. “You been 
talking about choices for the 
past ten minutes! 

The needle bites into Rod- 
man’s flesh: one more dig at 
conformity. 


From the sports headlines: 
SPURS' RODMAN IS SUSPENDED 
RODMAN BANNED INDEFINITELY 
ABSENT RODMAN FINED 

‘THE CLOCK TICKS AWAY ON ROD- 

MAN'S INDIFFERENCE 

Rodman is rebellion's role 
model. He calls the San Anto- 
nio Spurs’ head coach Bob 
Hill, toward whom he once 
hurled a bag of ice during a 
game, Boner. He plays basket- 
ball like it’s a contact sport, 
with body jabs and epithets hurled at opponents, at coaches 
and at the NBA brass who have warned him, to no avail, to 
shape up. Even the Spurs’ affable, big-eared mascot, the 
Coyote, is fair game. Rodman once staggered him with a 
head butt. Sitting out huddles, flashing I-don't-give-a-damn 
stares, slouching on the sideline floor with his shoes off, 
Rodman would make a gangster proud. 

When the Spurs lost their last game of the 1994 playoffs, 
he stalked off the floor, bounded into a limo with Madonna 
and was offto Las Vegas before his teammates had even un- 
dressed. And he's still angry, still running. Aggravated over 
high-profile rookies snaring $7-million-a-year salaries while 
he has stayed steady at $2.5 million, Rodman demanded 
$15 million for the 1996 season, the last year of his con- 
tract. Such demands may have contributed to his trade to 
the Bulls. 


“Nothing they can say to Dennis Rodman, becouse | make 
them too much fucking money. I bring too much excitement to 
the gome. Michoel Jordon used to do that, but now it's the 
Rodman Show on the rood. 1 give people whot they want.” 


“TIl put $5 million in the bank," he says. “Just live on the 
interest and party my ass off.” 

The eyes blaze, the nostrils flare and the lips bloom into a 
hot-pink orchid ofa smile. “Nothing they can say to Dennis 
Rodman, because I make them too much fucking money,” 
he says. “I bring too much excitement to the game. Michael 
Jordan used to do that, but, fuck it, now it’s the Dennis Rod- 
man Show on the road, waitin’ for you. I give people what 
they want.” 

Ofcourse, nobody would put up with any of this if Dennis 
Rodman weren't the winner of the past four NBA rebound- 
ing titles. Absolutely fearless, he glides across the paint in 
crazy, almost magical motion, two steps ahead of the compe- 
tition, snatching the ball and altering the game by the pow- 
er of his defense alone. 

But he is not simply a great rebounder. Не is, as he points 
out to anyone who will listen, more complex than that. He 
was a soft, shy, painfully passive child, born to Shirley Rod- 
man and Philander Rodman, a runaround serving in the 
U.S. Air Force who lived up to his name. When Dennis was 
three, his mother left his fa- 
ther for good. “Му daddy is 
coming back," Dennis would 
say repeatedly. But his daddy 
never did. Fearful and frail, 
beaten up by kids who stole 
his lunch money, he grew up 
a mama's boy in the Dallas 
projects. Too short and too 
scrawny for competitive bas- 
ketball, he graduated into me- 
nial jobs, including a stint as 
a janitor at the Dallas-Fort 
Worth Airport, where, on a 
dare, he stuck his broom han- 
dle through a gift shop grate 
and stole 15 watches. He was 
arrested, jailed for a night and 
released after he told the cops 
where the watches were, case 
dismissed. At home, he be- 
came a layabout, going no- 
where. Soon, his mother 
kicked him out of the house 
and he was on the streets. 

"I was a monkey-see, mon- 
key-do," he says 

Women? Forget about it. 

“How old were you when 
you lost your virginity?” I ask. 
Rodman doesn't hesitate. “Oh, 
about 21,” he says. 

But by then he had been res- 
cued by his hormones. In one 
year he grew 11 inches, shooting up to а stick-thin 68% A 
basketball dropped from the heavens, and he played the 
game like a thief who steals the ball and pawns it for victory. 
He won a scholarship to Southeastern Oklahoma State, and, 
in 1983, fate once again smiled on Dennis Rodman. 

Bryne Rich, 13, son of a mailman and a beautician from 
the Oklahoma farming community of Bokchito, had killed 
his best friend in a hunting accident when his gun went off 
as he was reloading. Wracked by depression and guilt, 
haunted by nightmares and loneliness, he begged his moth- 
er to adopt a baby boy. “Maybe God will hear our prayers 
and send a stork over,” she told him. God sent Dennis Rod- 
man, 22, shy, insecure and certain that he would fail at 
everything, including basketball. 

They met at a summer basketball camp where Rodman 
coached. The two became close and eventually healed each 


PLAYBOY 


102 


other through their friendship. For 
three years, Rodman lived with the 
tightly knit Rich family, growing from 
insecure kid to college all-American to 
the superstar forward of the Detroit 
Pistons, “the Bad Boys,” who were 
more concerned about kicking ass than 
making money. 

Rodman found a father figure in 
coach Chuck Daly, who guided the Pis- 
tons to back-to-back championships 
during Rodman's tenure. He lived with 
and eventually married model Annie 
Bakes and had her name tattooed on 
his ankle (his first body art). They had 
a daughter, Alexis (his second tattoo), 
and settled into an extravagant house 
in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. Dennis 
Rodman was on a roll. 

But his prowess as an athlete came 
with a curse. The talent that made him 
somebody had to be displayed in an 
arena he would soon come to despise. 
He sees professional basketball as a 
slave market where men are bought 
and sold, where players compete for 
money more than for championships, 
where sports franchises launder per- 
sonalities so they emerge subservient 
and squeaky-clean. 

By 1993, Rodman's perfect world 
had exploded. Daly had quit, Rod- 
man's best friend in basketball, John 
Salley, had been traded and, after only 
82 days, his marriage ended. 

“Aw, she tried to suck me down,” he 
says of his ex-wife, to whom he claims 
he pays $10,000 a month in alimony 
and who, he says, wants more. He 
points to a sketch for a popular tattoo, 
askunk shitting blood in the shape оға 
heart. It reads: A SENSITIVE ISSUE. 

“You change that motherfucking 
heart to a dagger, and that's how it is,” 
he says. “I'm just trying to shit that 
dagger out.” 

In late 1993, with the dagger in his 
bowels and a three-year contract with 
the San Antonio Spurs on his head, 
Rodman went back to Texas for the 
third resurrection of his soul. It was al- 
most metaphysical. “One day 1 woke 
up, drove my truck to the woods and 
just sat there wondering what the hell I 
was gonna do besides basketball,” he 
remembers. “And all of a sudden I 
started to project this image.” He pulls 
up his T-shirt to reveal his navel ring, 
encircled by the tattoo of an ankh, the 
Egyptian symbol for life. 

“Yea or nay,” he says. “If you're 
gonna do it, do it. If you ain't gonna do 
it, just stay as you are and be the same 
old Dennis Rodman you were in De- 
troit. Suddenly, 1 said, ‘Hell with it, 
and broke away. I tried something 
bold. 1 created something that every- 
one has been afraid of: the entertainer, 
the Dennis Rodman 1 was born to be.” 

But who did he have to entertain? 


His relationships with women were like 
his jump shots: fast and loose but rarely 
successful, He stares over at Stacy, his 
model-dancer-bassist-helicopter-pilot 
girlfriend. In tight shorts and cropped 
T-shirt, she exposes tauooed souvenirs 
of their relationship: a vine motif wind- 
ing across her belly, a moon and sun 
winking from her calf. 

Rodman says his deep devotion to 
Stacy was the inspiration for his 
pierced scrotum. “1 did it for her, so 
she could play with something besides 
Just the old gun.” If he makes it big in 
Hollywood, he plans to secure a role on 
Baywatch for her. 

True love and devotion aside, she 
wasn't all that impressed with Rodman 
when she first saw him dancing in a dis- 
co three years ago. 

"She wouldn't date me,” he declares, 
then shoots her an infectious smile. 
“Tell him why not." 

Stacy laughs, rising to the bait. 

"Go ahead!" he exclaims. "Makes the 
story better." 

“I thought he was an asshole!" she 
screams. The tattoo parlor is silent. 

"Well," she adds, "there just wasn't 
anything about him that jumped out 
and got my attention." 

Uh-oh. The Demolition Man bland? 
A fate worse than death. He ponders 
this a moment, then looks up, wound- 
ed. He could tell tales that would re- 
deem him, about how his navel ring in- 
spired Madonna to get hers done, how 
their love affair demolished mattresses 
and inspired daily updates on Hard 
Сору, how, calling him “a perfect speci- 
men,” Madonna asked him to get her 
pregnant. And according to Jack Ha- 
ley, his best friend on the Spurs, when 
Rodman said “Snay,” Madonna even- 
tually dumped him. 

But Rodman says nothing. He stews 
in his shortcomings. “I wasn't down, 
bro,” he says. “I was being a fucking al- 
most-an-all-American guy, something 
like this asshole, until, one night. . . ." 

He began playing a different game, 
one in which the opponentis conformi- 
ty. He added more tattoos, more pierc- 
ings and, stepping into K. Charles & 
Co.,a San Antonio salon run by a long- 
haired, leather-clad stylist named 
David Chapa, he ditched the bottle- 
blond hair for something truly excit- 
ing. Using Manic Panic (a British dye 
favored by punk rockers), Chapa trans- 
formed Rodman's black hair to every 
color of the rainbow: flamingo pink, 
blue lagoon, fire-engine red, apple 
green, canary yellow, before turning to 
intricate designs such as the red AIDS 
ribbon atop a snow-white crown. 

Then the shy guy began to speak. “1 
started saying certain things like, “The 
NBA sucks,’” he says. “And all of a sud- 
den, people wanted to know why 1 


thought that.” So he began the dance, 
an enigma wrapped in pink, his chosen 
color of defiance. He owns a pink 
Harley, a pink truck, a pink Cigarette 
boat. “Pink shows power, bro,” he says. 
“Shows confidence.” 

“A lot of men would say, ‘I'm not get- 
ting a pink car, a pink bike,” says Stacy. 
“People will think I'm a fag!" 

“But I say, ‘Snay,” says Rodman. "I 
love pink, bro.” He not only welcomes 
questions about his sexual identity, he 
also fuels them. Dressing in drag, 
hanging out in gay bars, he discovered 
that while sex sells, unorthodox sex 
sells better, even though Bryne Rich 
says “there’s no way in hell” Dennis 
would ever have sex with a man. 

The media horde descended. Cover- 
ing Rodman quickly became a journal- 
istic strip show, with Rodman onstage, 
constantly inventing new poses and re- 
vealing increasingly wild fantasi 
suicide, murder and playing his 
NBA game buck naked— 
ing sportswriters away on impromptu 
trips to Vegas, to Hollywood and into 
the corners of his own cross-dressing, 
envelope-pushing life. After GQ pic- 
tured him naked from the rear and 
Sports Illustrated put him on the cover in 
semidrag, south Texas queer-bashers 
slashed his truck's tires and scrawled 
FAG on the windshield. 

“The silliest show in journalism is 
watching people try to out-Rodman 
each other,” wrote Mike Lupica in 
Newsday. 

“I can sell your papers, bro!” Rod- 
man says tonight, extending invitations 
to gamble in Vegas, cruise gay bars in 
San Antonio or bust rocks at Rodman 
Excavation Inc., a thriving construc- 
tion company Rodman launched with 
Bryne Rich’s brother and another 
partner. “I can show you things and do 
things that'll fuck you up. But you have 
to be a part of it.” 

Just as his affair with Madonna was 
cooling, he ran into Stacy in the same 
Dallas disco where she had repeatedly 
rebuffed him. He watched her leave 
with a date—"He was driving her car!" 
he remembers with horror—and fol- 
lowed as they turned the corner and 
parked in front оҒа nearby 7-Eleven. 
The couple heard a roar and saw a 
flash of pink steel pop the curb, carom 
onto the sidewalk and screech to a halt 
at the nose of Stacy's Corvette. 

Rodman leans back and relishes the 
memory. “I was on my Harley-David- 
son, and I drove up in Dennis Rod- 
man's fashionable style,” he says, grin- 
ning. “In уо’ face and just balls out. 
WFO. Wide fucking оре! 

He must have been a sight: six feet, 
eight inches of rebellion, scalp scream- 
ing, tattoos like manly brands, ear bobs 

(text concluded on page 181) 


AXIOMS 
OF THE 
MAFIA 
MANAGER 


bulletproof 
lessons from the 
management 
practices of 
organized crime 


AS YOU'VE learned from harsh experi- 
ence, your office is really a gangland— 
in less pricey suits. To face the lies and 
treacheries of the ordinary business 
day, you need help. The axioms that 
follow are excerpted from a collection 
of management advice, Mob style. The 
author is a person of considerable mys- 
tery. When we asked for his résumé, we 
received tight-lipped assurances that 
he is a “capo of distinguished fame.” 
Whoever V is, he offers the sort of ad- 
vice it is dangerous to refuse. 


article by “М” 


5 


If you can't win by fighting fair, fight 
foul. Or havea third party do your 
fighting 


‘Teach your tongue to say, “I don't 
know.” 


If you must strike out at someone 
when you get angry, be careful not to 
strike yourself. 


Itis much better that your enemies 
think you are crazy than reasonable 
and rational. 


Opportunity makes the thief; the thief 
who has no opportunity to steal calls 
himself an honest man. 


Nothing weighs less than a promise 


If you must hurt a man, do it so 
brutally that you need not fear his 
revenge. 


Ifyou allow your enemies—or your 
friends—to think they are your equals, 
they will immediately think they are 
your superiors. 


Don't try to change your enemies, try 


to control them. Know where they are, 
what they think and whom they trust. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ETIENNE DELESSERT 


103 


PLAYBOY 


104 


Occasionally suffer fools; you may 
learn something of value. But never 
argue with them. 


The only way to keep a secret is to say 
nothing. 


In any venture, overvalue the negative 
estimates of your prospects by two. 
Undervalue the positive estimates 

by half. 


All who snore аге not sleeping. 
If you must lie, be brief. 


Open your mouth and your wallet 
cautiously. 


The best defense against the treacher- 
ous is treachery. 


Some defeats are better than victories; 
unfortunately, some victories are 
worse than defeats. 


No man's credit is worth as much as 
his cash. 


Often you lose the bait when you catch 
the fish, This is a necessary loss. 


The best armor is to keep out of 
range. 


Always draw the snake from its hole 
with another man's hand. 


The man who wants to hang himself 
can always be led to a noose. 


A smart street lieutenant does some of 
the dirty work himself, making certain 
his soldiers know about it. 


If you are forced to bow, bow very, 
very low. And hold that bitter memory 
until you take your revenge. 


Never knock someone else's racket. 
(You never know when you may be 
pulling the same stunt yourself.) 


Establish priorities: If you're up to 
your ass in alligators, the first thing to 
do is drain the swamp. 


Athousand friends are not enough; a 
single enemy is. There is no such 
thing as a harmless enemy. 


If you can't win, make the price of 
your enemy's victory exorbitant. 


The fish is killed by its open mouth. 


When you compromise, you lose. 
When you seem to have compromised, 
you take a step toward winning. 


You can't put a good edge оп bad 
steel. 


When you are angry, close your 
mouth—and open your eyes. 


The eagle doesn’t hunt flies. 
When skating on thin ice, skate fast. 


Money scammed is twice as sweet as 
money earned. 


No man is as fond of virtue as he is 
of women. 


Money is welcome even if it comes in a 
dirty sack. 


If you don't spot the mark in your first 
half hour at the table, you're it. 


А runaway nun always speaks ill of her 
convent. 


A handful of luck is worth more than a 
truckload of wisdom. 


What goes around comes around—but 
never in time. 


Wolves lose their teeth but not their 
nature. 


Out of 15 who flatter, at least 14 lie. 


Deal with the facts ofa bad situation as 
if they are worse than you know them 
to be. Deal with the facts of a good sit- 
uation not at all. 


Women, wind and luck soon change. 
There is always enough to go 
around—enough to keep, enough to 
reward with, enough to be stolen—as 
long as you first get it all. 

Believe the man, not the oath. 


Curiosity has lost more maidenheads 
than love. 


You know a soldier only when he be- 
comes a lieutenant. 


When you must cut, persuade the vi 
tim you are a surgeon. 


The capo gives part of his plan to one, 
part to another, the whole to none. 


Sentiment is for suckers. 
То finish sooner, take your time. 


Every button man has a capo's silk suit 
in his closet. 


The wife of a careless man is almost 
a widow. 


Long after other sins are old, avarice 
remains young. 


If you are the anvil, be patient; if you 
are the hammer, strike. 


Fortune smiles and then betrays. 


Тһе wrong choice usually seems the 
more reasonable. 


Fortune is on the side of the strong. 
For peace, be ready for war. 


Never make an enemy that you don't 
have to. 


Let your adversary talk. When he has 
finished, let him talk some more. 


Don't teach your soldiers all of your 
cunning, or you may fall victim to 
yourself. 


Better that your enemies overestimate 
your stupidity than your shrewdness. 


Ina cold house, find a warm body. 


To deceive an enemy, pretend you 
fear him. 


After a war, many heroes present 
themselves. 


Misfortunes always come in by the 
door left open for them. 


Alter a victory, sharpen your knife. 


Ifyou are never in the street, you can- 
not know it. 


Ifothers fold every time you bet a 
good hand, you play to their eyes. 


Strike first and you will strike last. 
No one dies twice. 


Victories are always temporary; so are 
defeats. 


The best theories often make the 
worst practices. 


Silence makes no mistakes. 


‘Treat a stranger as a friend; trust him 
as you would a stranger. 


Many a difference can be resolved be- 
tween the sheets. 


"It's $50 to blow out the old year, and $150 to start 
the New Year with a bang.” 


105 


miss january, 

victoria fuller, 
has a passion 
for painting 


“THis Is really amazing,” says Victoria Fuller, her face inches away from a paint- 
ing by Jacques-Louis David. "The colors are bold, the shadowing is perfect. I 
could stare at it for hours.” Meanwhile, male patrons of the J. Paul Getty Mu- 
seum exhibit confusion about where to direct their gazes; at the old masters 
hanging on the walls, or the young masterpiece who walks among them. 
Meeting at this Malibu museum was Victoria's idea. She's just a neoclassic 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


kind of gal. The glamour of Los Angeles’ nightlife isn't for 
her; this aspiring artist prefers to express herself on a blank 
canvas. "I've been drawing since I could hold a pencil,” she 


explains. “My dream is to display my art in a gallery some- 
day, where everybody dresses up and drinks champagne 


and admires my work. And then they buy everything.” 
Growing up in southern California, Victoria turned to art 
as a haven from tough circumstances. Her parents separat- 


ed before she was born; she didn’t meet her father until she 
was nine. Her mother, always on the move, sent her to ten 
different schools in 12 years, which was not an easy way 
make friends. “Being alone helped fuel my passion for art,” 
she says, “because I made myself sit in my room and draw.” 
An impetuous teenager—at 14 she shaved her head be- 
cause she thought it was cool—Victoria became a body 
builder at 17 and won a local competition. She sent her 


Though she's comfortoble sketching nude models in her drawing classes, Miss Jonuory admits thot 
she was “very shy” posing for PLAYBOY. We would never hove guessed. Of her own ortistic tastes, 
she soys, "I'm not into thot wild, abstroct, point-throwing kind of thing. Everything else is cool." 


ж > 
KK" 3 
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М 


photograph to PLaYBOY twice without success, then was discovered by 
one of our scouts during a recent modeling gig. “I didn't even try for it 
this time,” she says. “It was just one of those things. Like 1 had won the 
lotrery.” 

Even though her lucky number finally came up at PLAYBOY, Victoria 
intends to keep her focus оп the canvas and sketchpad. “I'm going to 
go home and draw all day,” says Miss January as she strolls through the 
museum lobby. “Seeing all this great art has me totally inspired.” Judg- 
ing by the looks of the art lovers who are following in her wake, she’s 
not the only one. —BOB DAILY 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


МАМЕ: 


sus; BOC warst 22 ET нірв: 7 
неген P era “23 4 
BIRTH DATE: 22-//- Ж? 7 


БІКТЕРГАСЕ: کے‎ LA 


VICTORIA?S SECERT: LL) YA ДА MAK MO: d ale 
44440 777: URL. 0 LL MM, Ж INK 2 
THREE RULES ТО LIVE BY: A 2А 

bo Lund In MIA 


MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS: _ 
y 


ейнай Joy din 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


The young Swedish au pair had been working 
for the Schmitts for more than a year. While 
hardworking and efficient, she still struggled 
with English. One day she told Mrs. Schmitt 
that she had received good news from her 
boyfriend Sven. “He is coming visit me from 
army next week!" 

“That’s wonderful,” the woman replied. 
“How long is his furlough?” 

“Oh,” the young woman said, “about long as 
Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe little thicker.” 


Hello, police?” the excited woman said. “I 
need some cops out here right away. There are 
30 dogs on my front lawn.” 

“Can you tell if any of them are mad?” the 
dispatcher asked. 

“Well,” she said, “I'd say 28 of them are.” 


Р.лувоу cusssic: In need of condoms, the 
timid deaf-mute nervously approached the 
pharmacist. He opened his fly, placed his penis 
on the counter, pointed to it and laid a $5 bill 
next to it. 

With an understanding nod, the pharmacist 
whipped out his penis, laid it beside the other 
man’s, grinned in triumph, pocketed the mon- 
еу and walked away. 


Just after the big top was set up, a man ap- 
proached the circus manager asking for a job. 

“What can you do?” 

“I can climb to the top of the tent and dive 
headfirst into a bucket of sand,” 

“I would have to see it to believe it,” the 
manager said. 

The man placed a pail of sand on the 
ground, then climbed to the top of the tent, 
stepped onto a platform and dove headfirst in- 
to the bucket. “That's incredible!” the manag- 
er exclaimed. "I'll give you $1000 a week.” 

“Nah,” the fellow said. 

“But that's the most I've ever offered any 
performer,” the manager insisted. “OK, what 
do you want, $2000?” 

“Nah.” 

“Three thousand then.” The man still shook 
his head. “Why not?” the exasperated manag- 
er asked. 

“You know,” the diver replied, rubbing the 
back of his neck, “I just don't think I care to try 
that trick again.” 


A farmer asked a friend to recommend an at- 
torney to defend him against a charge of bes- 
tiality. “I know a great trial lawyer,” the fellow 
said, “but he's expensive and doesn't know 
how to pick a good jury. 1 know another 
lawyer,” he continued, “who's not a great trial 
lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to 
pick a jury.” 

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, 
but immediately had second thoughts when 
the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimo- 
пу. “I saw Jed mount his goat from behind,” he 
said, “and when he was finished, I saw the goat 
turn around and lick Jed's pecker.” 

The accused farmer was devastated and had 
all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror 
in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, 
“You know, a good goat will do that.” 


What do you get when you have Phil Gramm 
and Marion Barry in the same room? Almost 
two grams. 


When a mugger stuck a gun in a fellow's back 
and Med money, the intended victim 
suddenly turned, applied a choke hold and 
flung his attacker across the alley. Then he 
pounced on the thief and began pummeling 
him, blackening his eyes, breaking his nose 
and fracturing two ribs. 

“Jesus, man,” the crook finally cried in des- 
peration, “ain't you ever gonna call the fuck- 
ing cops?” 


бала 
Ж Реан 


On their wedding anniversary, the redneck's 
wife asked her husband, “Homer, should I kill 
a chicken for tonight?” 

“Nah,” he answered. “Why blame a bird for 
something that happened 20 years ago?” 


This MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: The 
gossip in advertising circles is that Pepsi may 
yet re-sign Michael Jackson for its next ad 
campaign. Seems he’s the only person capable 
of sucking that kid out of the Pepsi bottle. 


Heard a funny опе lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Didn't you know? On New Year's Eve we don't wear harem pants. 
We wear garter belts and funny hats.” 


119 


120 


ALICE 


IN THIS LOST CLASSIC, A 
YOUNG WOMAN THRILLS ТО 
HER MAN'S TOUCH WHILE 
SHE WATCHES AN UNSUSPECTING 
COUPLE MAKE LOVE 


fiction by 
ANAIS NIN 
. 


USED ТО meet her at 
dances during the winter. She was a wonderful dancer 
and a little beauty. Needless to say, holding her in my 
arms while dancing made me wish to know her better. 
It was not long before small pressures of hands and 
arms were asking, and answering, unspoken ques- 
tions. Without a word said, she let me know that some- 
day she would consent to more. 

Later, in the spring, we used to go walking together 
in the hills on pleasant afternoons. We would drive out 
into the country, hide the car somewhere on the quiet 
road and wander off into the fresh green woods. We 
were fond of a most secluded glade that we had found 
one day, where we often rested sure of being undis- 
turbed. But Alice, though generous with kisses and 
dear little caresses, entirely withheld herself other- 
wise, and I was too fond of her, and too interested in 
discovering under what circumstances she would give 
herself, to press matters beyond showing her clearly 
what I wanted. She quite understood, and І knew it 
was only a question of time until she would be brought 
to the point of giving me all that I asked. 

Her surrender came under the unusual circum- 
stances that I am about to describe. One lovely, warm 
afternoon in May we found our way to our little glade 
but were very much surprised to find two other young 
lovers there before us. Totally engaged in each other, 
they did not hear us, and we stealthily withdrew a 
short distance and sat down in a pocket among the 
bushes to see what would happen. Alice, 1 could easily 
see, was very much excited and interested. 

The girl was lying on her back in the shade of a tree. 
The man lay beside her, and their lips were together. 
We could hear the indistinct murmur of their voices. 


ILLUSTRATION BY BENOIT 


PLAYBOY 


122 


Hunched up as we two were in our 
hiding place, quite close together, I did 
not find it hard, nor think it wrong, 
to put my lips to Alice's. She clearly 
thought my conduct fitting, for she 
returned my kiss, with interest. The in- 
terest was paid in a tiny flutter of her 
tongue tip against my lips. Our kiss 
lasted quite a time. 

When we looked again, the scene 
had changed somewhat. Alice gasped a 
little, and well she might. The lover was 
lying on one side, propped up on an el- 
bow, and his free hand was disturbing 
the formerly smooth folds of his sweet- 
heart's skirt. Perhaps to keep her atten- 
tion from what his hand was doing—at 
any rate, to keep her attention divid- 
ed—he was kissing her quite ardently. 
But his hand was under her skirt and 
had pulled it up so that we could see 
two shapely legs in pale-blue stockings. 
Two small feet in pale-blue slippers 
(very unsuitable for walking in the 
hills) were calmly crossed. The lover 
was caressing the blue stockings. 

“Peter,” whispered Alice, remon- 
strating. For as she crouched, some- 
what curled up, one very attractive leg, 
as far as the knee, lay outside of the 
shelter of her skirt, and my hand rest- 
ed on the dark green silk that covered 
it. But her attention must have been 
distracted, for after that one remon- 
strance she leaned forward, her eyes 
intent on what she might see, while my 
hand enjoyed the delightful touch of 
green silk stretched over a beautifully 
modeled leg. 

Iturned from admiring the contours 
of the dark green leg to see what was 
happening to the pale blue ones. My 
hand, not being needed to see with, 
stayed where it was most comfortable. 
The blue legs had become interesting. 
The skirt had been moved still more— 
the length of the blue stockings was 
now measurable. Not far above the 
knees they ended, and considerable 
was to be seen of two plump, white 
thighs, with the hand of the lover ten- 
derly touching and stroking them. The 
pale-blue slippers now lay side by side, 
and the girl's two arms, while her legs 
were being so lovingly caressed, were 
tight about the neck of her lover, hold- 
ing his face to hers for kisses. 

“Peter!” Alice warned again in a 
tense whisper. For somehow, when I 
turned my eyes from the pretty green 
leg, my hand, left to its own resources 
without the guiding eye, had wan- 
dered somewhat. In fact, it had strayed 
beyond the green stocking and was 
thrilling to the touch of soft, warm 
flesh. Alice stirred a bit, as if impatient, 
but it was satisfying to note that, in so 
doing, she thrust her leg still farther 
from under her skirt. On looking to see 
what change her new attitude had ef- 


fected, I was overjoyed to see that close 
at hand there was a most enticing bit of 
plump, white thigh for me to appreci- 
ate. Close at hand, indeed; my hand 
made haste to embrace its opportunity, 
in fact to grasp at the unseen, as it felt 
its unhindered way to discover yet un- 
discovered pleasures to the touch. 

“Pete, look,” Alice whispered again. 
And we looked. Not 15 feet away the 
other pair, unsuspecting still, pursued 
their own amusement. The girl had 
moved—her skirt was drawn clear 
above her waist. Her legs were all ex- 
posed and her hips were as well. Quite 
evidently the young lady had worn no 
panties or drawers! The young lover 
was sitting up, fussing with his cloth- 
ing, his eyes enjoying a vision of loveli- 
ness. Those two pretty legs were slight- 
ly parted now, and such a dear little 
nest of hair was scen. 

“Oh, Pete!” Alice gasped this time. 
For, as the man’s clothing was released, 
his sweetheart's hand reached out and 
took hold of something. The lover 
stretched out an instant, wriggled, and 
one bare manly leg came out of his 
trousers—bare, that is, except for shoe 
and sock and red garter. This bare leg 
was then placed across another bare 
leg, the man’s between the woman's 
two, the woman's between the man’s, 
and satisfied with this arrangement the 
lover lay upon his sweetheart, his arms 
about her and hers about him. They 
moved delicately, as if rubbing on each 
other. 

І had found Alice's hand, and by 
placing it in a certain position I showed 
her that 1, too, had something that 
might be held, should her hand care to 
hold it. Soon, indeed, she was holding 
it, and by playing with it as if absent- 
mindedly, she caused me no little plea- 
sure. But her eyes she could not re- 
move from the scene before us. 

We could hear soft cooings and mur- 
murs. Alice and I ceased to regard the 
others for a time. She came somehow 
closer into my arms, lay quite heavily 
there, in fact, and in so placing herself 
managed to arrange her clothing so 
that both her legs lay bare. To my real 
surprise, Alice, too, was guiltless of 
drawers or panties. Much reassured, I 
let my hands move freely over the deli- 
cious surfaces of her thighs and hips. 
Our lips were fast together, and now I 
learned how Alice could kiss when real- 
ly interested. When my hand in its 
wanderings encountered certain soft 
curls, her lips and tongue assailed me 
with a quite impetuous ardor. 

But curiosity drew my eyes again to 
the other lovers. “Look, Alice!” I whis- 
pered to her, and as we looked our 
hands became busy and our eyes drank 
in a most lascivious sight. Side by side 
now the girl and her man were sitting, 


all outer clothing removed from their 
waists down, and the girl had further 
so opened her blouse that her dainty 
breasts hung out. With one arm each 
embraced the other, and their lips were 
crushed together. With their free 
hands they were playing with the most 
delicious playthings that the hands of 
man and woman can touch. The man’s 
hand was moving between his sweet- 
heart's parted legs; the girl's hand held 
something hard and stiff, which she 
manipulated gently. 

"Oo-oo-oh!" Alice gasped, and fell to 
kissing me wildly. Needless to say, I 
kissed wildly back. Her hand held 
something hard and stiff, and her 
treatment of it was as skillful as it was 
delicious. My hand was between her 
lovely legs, and the manner in which 
she received its ministrations showed 
that I had not forgotten how to play 
upon that organ which, if properly 
touched, causes a woman's body to 
echo with delicious harmony. 

Alice had at last abandoned her re- 
serve, her withholding of herself. The 
discovery that she had worn no draw- 
ers gave me reason to suspect that this 
day she had intended from the start to 
give herself to me before our return. 
But, as a matter of fact, I had no knowl- 
edge based on proof of any kind that 
she had ever worn drawers, when with 
me or at any time. As a rule, women 
wore drawers, or panties, or leg-cover- 
ing of that general character—women 
in Alice's status in society, at any rate. 
This I knew from having seen them, 
from having removed them, in fact, on 
other and different occasions. It was 
not, therefore, an altogether unnatural 
assumption On my part that, under or- 
dinary circumstances, Alice wore them 
also, and that she did not wear them 
this day because she had intended to 
be more than ordinarily gracious and 
complacent to me. 

However, this is all a digression—Al- 
ice wore no drawers, and her very love- 
ly naked thighs lay exposed to my 
hands and eyes. But her intentions to- 
ward me were shown even more clear- 
ly now by her conduct. Somehow, at 
some time, Alice had had some experi- 
ence. She had learned how to be 
charmingly wanton without being 
shameless. Her kisses were delights of 
art and skill, her movements were deli- 
cate and yet effective, her grip on what 
her fair hand held was possessive with- 
out being painful, and her handling of 
it, without being obtrusive, was obvi- 
ously intended ultimately to bring it 
between her legs. 

“Pete, darling, look there!” Alice 
whispered between her kisses. Our 
lovers were at last in earnest, the man 
lying between the girl's legs, which 

(continued on page 194) 


AT 
ek, OW BS 


НОЕ 
TIO IBI ds: 


AN TA 


A SLEIGH FULL OF LAST-MINUTE YULETIDE GOODIES 


Former NASA engineers applied aerodynamic 
principles to the design of Wilson's Invex driver, а 
titanium-and-stainless-steel power stick that adds 
control and distance to your swihg (about $300). 


Winter trekking is easy on the feet in Salomon's 
Adventure 7 hiking boots. Made of waterproof 
suede and Cordura nylon, the $150 hikers also 
have a zip-front gaiter to help keep your dogs dry. 


Panasonic's Shock Wave personal stereo and cas- 
sette player has an AM/FM digital tuner and 20 
station presets, plus a rubberized body wrap that's 
impervious to water, sand and debris (about $100). 


123 


124 


Cognac and cigars, two of life’s great pleasures, 
are paired in this handmade Daniel Marshall cigar 
humidor that comes with а bottle of Hennessy X.O. 
and two brandy glasses, from 800-BETHERE ($800). 


RCA's CC620 Compact VHS camcorder lets you go 
for the close-up with a 24:1 zoom lens. Other fea- 
tures include a color viewfinder, electronic image 
stabilization and an LCD status window ($1000). 


Cybergeeks can jazz up their home pages using 
the Quickcam, a Mac-compatible digital video 
and still camera that takes black-and-white photos 
and Quicktime movies, by Connectix (about $100). 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


Goldstar's 13-inch color Fashion ТУ combines retro 
styling with modern features such as a 181-chan- 
nel tuner, multilingual on-screen display, 180- 
minute sleep timer and a remote control ($220). 


The Jeep Boom Box looks like a toolbox, but inside 
there's an AM/FM tuner (with a dial that resembles 
a speedometer), CD and cassette players and stor- 
age for 30 CDs, from Hammacher Schlemmer ($200). 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 178 


This leather-and-brass reproduction of a 19th cen- 
tury French coach bag expands from seven inches 
to 21 inches when packed and includes a strap and 
snap-in lining, from the J. Peterman Co. (51295). 


125 


CONAN O’BRIEN’S 


New Years Resolutions 


THE LATE NIGHT RAMBLER GEARS UP FOR 1996 


CONAN O'BRIEN used to put a unique 
spin on his New Year's resolutions. “In- 
stead of promising to give up things I 
really loved, I'd pick things I didn’t do 
anyway. That made it easier. For in- 
stance, I would vow never to build a 
cedar deck with my bare hands. Or 
never to eat soil.” But last year he got 
serious: “When my doctor told me my 
blood was 88 percent cholesterol, I 
vowed to give up 12-egg omelettes and 
steak broiled in butter. Still, I had 
mixed feelings about that, because a 
massive heart attack on the air would 
have been a real ratings grabber.” 

But that was 1995. Now that O'Brien 
is headlong into his third season on 
TV's late shift, he can relax a little and 
concentrate on the things he would 
truly like to change. We sent New York 
writer Brooke Comer backstage at 
NBC to get ОВпеп 5 1996 resolutions. 

What's your most important resolution— 
your top priority—for 1996? 

Resolution number one is to be the 
subject of a scandal. I'm overdue. Be- 
sides, look what scandal has done for 
Hugh Grant: Now I know who Eliza- 
beth Hurley is. I have no idea what 
kind of scandal I'm looking for, but 
it has to shock people, make them see 
me in a new light. Let's say revealing 
footage turned up from my days as a 
Chippendale dancer. Or I could be rec- 
ognized in an adult film, even if I had 
just one small but significant line, like: 
"Ladies, may I join you?" 

That would boost your ratings. How 
would you handle the increased visibility? 

Well, that's resolution number two: 
I want to make a movie. It's time I 
starred in a hastily made action-adven- 
ture film that goes straight to HBO. I'll 
play a cop who's a slob, paired with a 
cop who's a neat freak. And we don't 
get along. We go to Beverly Hills and 
we don't fit in. I want to be one of those 
guys in comedy who take roles in films 
and try to act tough and cool. 

Moving on, how would you change the 
current format of “Late Night"? 

Resolution number three: It's high 
time we had more country music on 
the show. In fact, we need more coun- 
try everything on the show, plain and 
simple. Aren't there enough shows like 
mine on TV? I wonder how many peo- 
ple are aware that Hee Haw went off the 


air. That left a void. So how about a 
countrified Late Night? Andy Richter 
and I could stand in a cornfield wear- 
ing overalls and revive George "Goo- 
ber" Lindsey's career. Think about it: a 
Hee Haw for Generation X. 

Speaking of Andy, I am going to 
spend more quality time with my side- 
kick in 1996. Andy needs me. We're 
both under increasing pressure in our 
lives, and I feel like he's my son. He's 
growing. He needs nurturing. А side- 
kick starts to resent you if you don't do 
the little things together, like build a 
model airplane or go to a ball game. 

Let's get back to Generation X. Any plans 
to keep Хет from channel surfing? 

Resolution four combines music and 
fashion. I'm going to start playing the 
pan flute. Jack Benny had his violin, 
Steve Martin had a banjo. I'll play the 
pan flute. Does anyone know what that 
is? Maybe my resolution should be to 
educate people on the subject of an- 
cient instruments. But that's not all I'm 
going to do. I've been wearing nice 
suits on the show for two years now, but 
now that I'm into my third season, peo- 
ple are looking to me to take fashion to 
the next level. I have just one word for 
them: unitard. 

That may suggest to the corporate world 
that you're ready to endorse a product. 

Finding an endorsement is resolu- 
tion number five. We live in a society 
where you're only as cool as your latest 
endorsement deal. I'm open to offers, 
but I'd really like to endorse sunblock 
number 90, which is so powerful that it 
actually shoots rays back at the sky. The 
tag line of the ad campaign would be: 
FOR THE ANEMIC LOOK. And 1 know it'll 
succeed because anemia is making a 
comeback. People are eating less meat. 
They're wearing a lot of black, which 
goes well with an anemic complexion. 
Anemia is going to be big in 1996, and 
I have just the look for it. 

Won't that turn off your female fans? 

Women find pallor seductive. So, 
resolution six is to appear mysterious. 
Women are intrigued by a man who 
looks like he's hiding dark secrets. I'll 
start ending the show by saying, 
“Goodnight. I have things I must do 
now." And then, with a tear in my eye, 
I'll leap out the window. Or I'll inter- 
rupt guests at random and say, "Please 


JLUSTRATION BY ANITA KUNZ 


don't talk about that. It brings up a 
dark episode in my life." Women will 
think, Hey, he's really been around, or 
He's been hurt. He needs me. And, of 
course, I'll wear black turtlenecks just 
like David Copperfield. 

What other significant changes can we 
look forward to en the show this year? 

That's resolution seven: First, we 
plan to travel the show. Letterman 
went to London, Leno went to New 
York. We'll go to Branson, Missouri. 
The audience can eat dinner while 
they watch. The show will start out like 
it does now, with a monolog. Then 
we'll do a comedy piece, and then 
jump straight to scenes from Oklahoma! 

We're also going to have call-ins. 
Other shows have call-ins, but they let. 
anybody call. On my show, only people 
who have appeared in The Godfather 
and Godfather, Part II will be allowed to 
call in. 

Are you going to be as selective with your 
guests this season? 

Yes. Resolution number eight is to 
have J.D. Salinger on the show. He's 
been a recluse for, what, 25 years? I'm 
going to get him to agree to appear, 
then bump him because the comic 
went on too long. 

Wasn't Salinger a major influence on 
your literary endeavors? 

No, Bill Cosby was. And while we're 
on the subject, resolution nine is to 
write a book on fatherhood, just like 
Cosby did, only my book will be all con- 
jecture and speculation. I would have a 
unique slant, because I have no chil- 
dren and know nothing about them. 

You have five brothers and sisters, but 
none of them has appeared on the show. Is 
there any sibling rivalry? 

No, because all my brothers and sis- 
ters have talk shows, too. Not everyone 
knows this, but Charles Grodin is my 
brother. We all get along great, even 
though we were always beating up one 
another when we were kids. We're 
Irish. Violence was just our way of ex- 
pressing love for one another. 

Oh, and I plan to bring my father on 
the show. That's resolution ten. But 
I'm waiting for the right time. I want 
him to be in a kickboxing segment. 

What resolution are you saving for next 
year because it’s too tough to tackle now? 

To become a Republican. 


127 


PLAYBOY 


128 


A куре 


When your girlfriend is on top, ask her to settle 
down carefully. This isn't the time to play ringtoss. 


action-film hero who has had a penile 
implant as a result of his overindul- 
кепсе in steroids.) 

The arteries involved are not much 
thicker than a piece of paper. Naturally 
they're vulnerable to atherosclerosis. 
Cocaine, for instance, can induce the 
condition and fry your manhood. 
“Regular use of cocaine can result in a 
23-year-old with penile arteries that 
look like they're 70 years old," says 
Padma-Nathan. Trauma, too, can jam 
the feeder system. When your girl- 
friend is оп top, ask her to scule down 
carefully. This isn't the time to play 
ringtoss. Also, believe it or not, avoid 
bikes, motorized or otherwise, especial- 
ly if you have a thin perineum or 
crotch area. Now you know why the 
Hell's Angels dress so macho. They're 
compensating for a lot of bent perinea. 

Let's assume there isn't any arterial 
bottleneck. Then your brain and blood 
can build a glad-on like so: 

(1) Turn to centerfold. Brain ad- 
mires young lady. But young lady too 
intimidating. Can't even fantasize. 
Turn back to this article. 

(2) Remember Barbara from 
eleventh grade. More like it. Run head 
tape of Barbara. Get aroused. Brain 
sends prostaglandin and other neuro- 
transmitter requisition to groin. Pros- 
taglandin shipped out (unless there is 
nerve damage). Smooth muscle has be- 
gun to relax. Blood rushes in. Cham- 
bers seal. Houston, we have liftoff. And 
you begin to rise like the stars and 
stripes on Mount Suribachi. 

But nature built in an emergency re- 
call system. All at once you remember 
the time Barbara’s father caught the 
two of you playing pink weasel. Brain, 
even in retrospect, is startled. Brain or- 
ders groin to produce the Great Shriv- 
eler—noradrenaline. (Nature doesn’t 
want you to encounter an enemy with 
your seeder up and vulnerable.) Both 
prostaglandin and noradrenaline are 
mobilized by the brain in four-second 
bursts—not in a steady stream. That is: 
Your brain must reincite horniness 15 
times just to stay hard for one minute. 
So the brain telegraph is going like 
this: arousal, arousal, arousal, emer- 
gency (prostaglandin, prostaglandin, 
prostaglandin, noradrenaline), arous- 
al, arousal, emergency, arousal, arous- 
al, emergency, emergency, arousal, 
emergency, emergency, emergency, to 
hell with it—there is a noradrenaline 


override and no stopper in your tub. 
Psychogenic erectile dysfunction is 
caused by a brain that kicks off too 
much noradrenaline. 

Synthetic prostaglandin has FDA ap- 
proval. And why not? Nothing more 
than a synthetic version of the natural 
prostaglandin molecule, it metabolizes 
completely in your glad. Upjohn now 
markets it. Prostaglandin is effective in 
75 percent of erectile dysfunction cas- 
es. For that stubborn 25 percent Pad- 
ma-Nathan has brewed up a special 
compound put together at USC— 
prostaglandin and phentolamine. 
Phentolamine (which hasn't yet been 
approved by the FDA) is an adrenaline 
inhibitor that raises the success rate in 
men to 85 percent. Asa last resort Pad- 
ma-Nathan will add papaverine for 
seasoning. This formulation (called 
trimix) has a 92 percent uplift rate. 
We've come a long way from sheep tes- 
ticles and ground-up rhinoceros horn. 

Meanwhile—back on the table—my 
glad has gone numb. The homemade 
DICC contraption is built to detect 
blood leakage from my erectile cham- 
bers. But Padma-Nathan must first 
give me a good blue-veiner (with sever- 
al doses of papaverine and phento- 
lamine). I can't watch. Saline solution is 
then injected. The DICC starts to scrib- 
ble like a seismograph. Padma-Nathan 
has begun to chat about “systolic pres- 
sure” and “arterial Doppler flow.” I 
don't understand him. I don’t want to 
understand him. 

And by mistake I glance down. 

My glad looks like a gaffed fish. Little 
mouth open, the urethra sucking air. A 
large needle has been jammed up and 
through my erection chambers. Wire is 
hanging from the needle. When he de- 
tumesces me, Padma-Nathan will spat- 
ter saline and blood all over the table. I 
don't look down again. 

But that isn't all. I've forgotten the 
bladder test. Or, rather, I thought that 
this was the bladder test. Padma- 
Nathan is reluctant. Perhaps I should 
take a pass on a second exam. But I 
know well enough—if I don't do it now, 
ГЇЇ never do it. Anyway, compared to 
getting a fishhook up your eel, how 
bad can it be? 

Ugh. 

Imagine your urine is kerosene. 
Imagine that someone touches a lit 
match to the stream just as you are tak- 
ing a leak. Sssss-blam! That, more or 


less, is what a catheter feels like. The 
ultimate plumber's snake. Now, along 
with a tape of 1994 NFL highlights, T 
have a videotape of my bladder. 

On the way from USC to the Hotel 
Sofitel my glad turns the color of mous- 
saka. I begin to walk like Groucho 
Marx, but slower, much slower. My 
body is an infomercial for pain. If I сап 
just reach good old room 811. 

Unlock my door. 


Turn on the light. 
Oh God. 
It’s Mildred. 

. 


Wednesday, March 15 

Padma-Nathan grew up in Canada 
and graduated with honors from Dal- 
housie University medical school in 
Halifax, He then chose (a “great deci- 
sion”) to do impotence research under 
Dr. Irwin Goldstein at Boston Universi- 
ty. “In 1985 we had the first really large 
pharmacological erection program.” 
Timing, as a spat manufacturer once 
said, is essential. 

In 1985 penile implants were fash- 
ionable—the anatomical opposite of 
deboning. They are still used common- 
ly (and with great success), where med- 
ical or psychological treatment has 
failed. But penile implants require 
surgery—and they are oh so prosthetic. 
Some, for instance, feature three-piece 
hookups, including a pump mecha- 
nism in the scrotum. Manual dexterity 
is required. Compare all that—in cost 
апа realism—to one mosquito bite-like 
shot of prostaglandin. ІҒІ can do it, itis 
simple, believe me. My small motor 
skills are smaller than most. 

But for those who are supersquea- 
mish—those who cover their eyes when 
a turkey is carved—there will soon be 
an even less intrusive approach. Pad- 
ma-Nathan (along with Dr. Ridwan 
Shabsigh of Columbia-Presbyterian 
Medical Center in New York and Dr. 
Tom Lueat the University of California 
at San Francisco, among others) has 
been testing prostaglandin delivery by 
pellet, a method patented by Dr. Virgil 
Place. “It's phenomenal,” says Padma- 
Nathan. “You pee. You take a little in- 
serter, drop a pellet into your urethra 
and it causes an erection.” Now both һе 
and she can be on the pill. 

Even so, Dr. Goldstein thinks this is 
just a station on the train ride to 
Studville. “We are desperately seek- 
ing oral medication,” he says. “On- 
ly 100,000 men are using prosta- 
glandin—out of the 20 million who 
need it. Why?” Because, he suggests, 
Americans may be a р. den folk. 
Injection and urethra-popping feel just 

(continued on page 182) 


RICK PITINOS 
WILDCATS CLAW 
TO THE TOP 

OF THE NCAA 


> PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW 


Sports-page headline of 
the future: TIMBERWOLVES 
DRAFT SHAQ'S FETAL SON. 
AGENT SEEKS А GUARANTEED 
MULTIYEAR CONTRACT. Out- 
rageous, you say? Consider 
Kevin Garnett, the 610” 
wunderkind hoopster from 
Chicago's Farragut Acade- 
my. He attended his prom 
in early June and was the 
Minnesota Timberwolves* 
first-round selection (fifth 
overall) in the NBA draft 
later that month. OK, so 
it's the nutty Timber- 
wolves. But what about the 
four teams that chose 
ahead of them? They se- 
lected four players who 
had eight years of unused 
college eligibility among 
them. That's roughly 250 
college games that they'H 
never participate in. None 
of these players were old 


sports by Gary Cole 


2 ERICK DAMPIE! 

| GENTER i m 
. 4 MISSISSIPPI STATE | | 

a шым o pd Md 


T | і 


ы 
| 


ALLEN IVERSON 
GUARD 
GEORGETOWN 


22 о’ Jn 
M 


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т.” е 


132 


PLAYBOY'S 


ТОР 


1. KENTUCKY 
2. KANSAS 
3. VILLANOVA 
4. MASSACHUSETTS 
5. MEMPHIS 
6. CONNECTICUT 
7. MICHIGAN 
8. LOUISVILLE 
9. UCLA 
10. ARKANSAS 
11. IOWA 
12. GEORGETOWN 
13. WAKE FOREST 
14. CINCINNATI 
15. VIRGINIA 
16. MARYLAND 
17. INDIANA 
18. CALIFORNIA 
19. UTAH 
20. MISSISSIPPI STATE 
21. OKLAHOMA 
22. PURDUE 
23. MISSOURI 
24. GEORGIA TECH 
25. TULANE 


POSSIBLE BREAKTHROUGHS: Stanford, Auburn, 
Washington State, George Washing- 
lon, Virginia Tech, Santa Clara, North 
Carolina, St. John’s, Syracuse, Mar- 
quette, Tulsa, Arizona, LSU, Texas 
Tech, Texas. For a complete confer- 
ence-by-conference prediction of final 
slondings, see pages 172-173. 


enough to buy arum and Coke in most 
states. Two (Joe Smith and Garnett) 
were just 19. 

Do we blame the players? Let's see. 
Why was it that we went to college? For 
a rigorous reading of the works of 
Nathaniel Hawthorne? To commit the 
floor plan of the Tri Delta sorority 
house to memory? To make a lot of 
money? Yeah, that's the one. So who's 
to criticize kids for becoming million- 
aires before (or instead of) receiving 
a college degree? With the kind of 
dough being ladled out in salaries, nev- 
er mind endorsements, the players 
could buy their own universities. 

Without a doubt, these early defec- 
tions have diminished the college 
game. Its brightest college stars shine 
for only a season or two at the most. 
Teams have to be built from scratch 
each year. Coaches recruit players for 
longer than they coach them. The fans 
have to learn a phone book of new 
names each season. And we prognosti- 
cators have to work just a little harder 
to figure out who the best players and 
teams will be, (And you think you have 
problems.) 

Fortunately, America still grows the 
most corn and the most talented bas- 
ketball players in the world. Even more 
than Belorussia. So while the old crop 
may have left before we had a chance 
to savor every nuance of their emerg- 
ing basketball artistry, there are new 
peach-fuzzed faces waiting to take their 
places in hallowed halls, arenas and 
snake pits around the nation—even if 
for only а season or two. 


ATLANTIC COAST 


‘The NBA was brutal to the ACC last 
year. The conference lost number one 
pick Joe Smith from Maryland, North 
Carolina's Jerry Stackhouse and Ra- 
sheed Wallace (numbers three and 
four, respectively), Duke center Chero- 
kee Parks (number 12), Florida State's 
Bob Sura (number 17), Wake Forest's 
Randolph Childress (number 19), 
Georgia Tech's Travis Best (number 
23) and Virginia's Cory Alexander 
(number 29). In all, eight first-round 
and two second-round picks were 
made, four of them underclassmen. 
And yet superlative players remain, 
and they'll be joined Бу an influx of tal- 
ented freshmen who are ready to play 
now. One player who stayed in school 
but didn’t really need to was Playboy 
All-America Tim Duncan from Wake 
Forest. Duncan, whom some pro scouts 
rated higher than Joe Smith, will be the 
premiere player in the conference— 
perhaps in the nation—this season. 
Duncan and graduated guard Chil- 
dress led the Demon Deacons to their 
first conference title since 1962. With 
Duncan controlling the inside, coach 


Dave Odom will look to sophomore 
Tony Rutland to handle the ball and 
score from the perimeter. The back- 
court will be the strength of this year's 
Virginia team. Harold Deane (16 
points per game) and Curtis Staples, 
who was named to the ACC All-Fresh- 
man team last season, give the Cava- 
liers one of the best guard tandems in 
the nation. Seven foot four Chase 
Metheney, a medical redshirt last year, 
will back up 69” Chris Alexander at 
center. Despite losing Smith, Maryland 
figures to be another contender for the 
conference title. Coach Gary Williams 
has four returning starters, including 
guard Johnny Rhodes (14 ppg) and 
6'8” forward Exree Hipp. The Terra- 
pins will have a strong bench (includ- 
ing clutch three-point shooter Mario 
Lucas) and will add point guard Terrell 
Stokes and swingman LaRon Profit, 
two freshmen who will play early and 
often. Another freshman assured of 
plenty of action is Georgia Tech point 
guard Stephon Marbury, one of the 
most highly recruited players in the па- 
tion. The addition of Marbury, along 
with the return of Drew Barry and 
Matt Harpring, should make the Yel- 
low Jackets one of the quickest teams in 
the nation. Dean Smith may need all 
his 34 years of coaching experience to 
put North Carolina back on top after 
the loss of sophomores Stackhouse and 
Wallace to the pros and the graduation 
of Donald Williams. Guard Jeff McIn- 
nis and forward Dante Calabria get to 
be the big Tar Heels on campus, 
though both are only 6'4”. Smith's true 
big man, Serge Zwikker, has the size 
(79%) but doesn't run the floor well. 
Because the Tar Heels are thin on tal- 
ent, Smith may break his own rule 
against playing freshmen and give 
court time to Vince Carter and Antawn 
Jamison. Another team that doesn't 
have its usual depth of blue-chip talent 
is Duke. With Parks and Erik Meek 
gone, the emphasis shifts to the perim- 
eter, where Jeff Capel, Trajan Langdon 
and Ricky Price will hold court. The 
most important returnee is coach Mike 
Krzyzewski, who was sidelined almost. 
all of last season with back problems. 
Without the masterful touch of Coach 
K, the Blue Devils, a team that had 
made the Final Four seven of nine pre- 
vious seasons, stumbled to 13-18 and 
won only two conference games. 


ATLANTIC TEN 


This conference confounded logic in 
the off-season by expanding to 12 
teams but continuing to answer the 
phone “Atlantic Ten.” These guys must 
have taken a math class in the Big Ten. 
Three of the 12 teams will be very 
good. Massachusetts, which made its 

(continued on page 160) 


“Really puts you in the Christmas spirit, doesn’t it?” 


133 


қ 
Ti 


pomelo HARD/6 


THE YE: 


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Vice Radon 


os met ee | нн IS IT REAL OR IS IT CYBERSEX? 
2 ONLY YOUR COMPUTER KNOWS FOR SURE 
Тһе information superhighway is studded with curves and switchbacks. 
When Polaroids purportediy documenting Pam Anderson and Tommy 
Lee's wedding night surfaced online, they were soon recycled in maga- 
zines French and American (Entrevue, Screw, Penthouse). Germany's 
Bravo gave nude snaps of Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow on vacation 
in the Caribbean similar treatment. Of Michelle Pfeiffer's popular Inter- 
net nude, her publicist said “Faked!” "If it’s a fake,” ап Esquire editor 
retorted, “it's a great fake.” Site-hopping can be expensive: To reach 
Asian Spices, you 
have to call Hong 
Kong. Billy Wildhack's 
WHEPE'S ALL Erotic Connections 
THE ACTION guide tries to help you 
TONIGHT, LDIES? make sense of it all. 


а walk on the wild 
side of 1995 that's 
absolutely, positively 
guaranteed o.j.-free 


FELLATIO 
FOR FUN 
AND 

Today's quickest 
route to fame: 
blow jobs. Divine 
earned big bucks 
by telling Hugh 
Grant stories to 
tabloids and do- 
ing lingerie adver- 
tisements in Brazil. 


THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL 

AND CAME DOWN A THROAT 

Headline writers around the world had a field day 
when Brit actor Hugh Grant got caught in the act with 


a Hollywood hooker named Divine—to the dismay of 
his girlfriend, the fabulous model Elizabeth Hurley. (For a portion of Hurley not revealed by one 
of her famous evening dresses, check out High Society's paparazzo shot of Hurley changing 
her bathing suit). Other, perhaps more forgiving, females demonstrated their support for 
the errant actor, who exercised damage control by telling Jay 
Leno (and seemingly every other talk-show 
host) he'd done a bad thing. 


LITTLE 
LAMBS 
WHO HAVE 
LOST OUR 


CLOTHES 
Yale students 
protested 
PLAYBOY'S 
Women of 
the hy 
League 
feature by 
streaking 
across 

the quad. PARIS IS SQUINTING 
After being kept from French viewers for 
more than a century, Gustave Courbet's 
Origin of the World draws such crowds to 
the Musée d'Orsay that it has been put 
behind glass and placed under guard. 


THE MOVIE 
The MPAA nixed M 
ads for Ready to 


BOUNCING Wear (a.k.a. Prét-à- 
CZECH Porter) but didn't 
Eva Herzigova, flinch over the | 
Wonderbra's fa- е movie's grand finale, 
vorite billboard starring world- 


famous models in 
the altogether. 


model, does just 
fine without added suspension. 


MORE NG FOR YOUR BUCK 
the going rates for well-publicized acts of sex 

Charlie Sheen 

$53,500 for 27 trysts 

with Heidi 

Fleiss’ hockers 


я Scottie Рірреп 
EA $15,000 one-time 3 
payment plus o 
SERENA Ер. ICH BIN EIN РОТЕ 
id o month in child. Press reports swear it's true: Bremen's 
Vc support to ex-girlfriend Gunther Burpus was stuck two days in 
Grant Не Sonya Roby a cat door after mislaying his keys. 
e ERES a Pranksters pantsed him, painted his 
from Divine mistress Lindo Medlor bum and added a daffodil and a sign: 


GERMANY RESURGENT. AN ESSAY ON STREET ART. 
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY. Passersby did. 


136 | 2 Т 


WHAT ORGAN DID YOU 
HAVE IN MIND, BOSS? 
Mr. and Mrs. Hugh М. Hefner 
signed organ-donor cards at 
the event introducing her 
PETA poster. 


A Se > 
7 you inside them. 


some people need 


NOT-SO-MERRY WIDOW 
After losing her elderly—and wealthy—spouse, 
the otherwise abundantly endowed Anna Nicole Smith 
(Miss May 1992) mourned him in truly outstanding décolletage. 


А GENUINE PAIN 
IN THE ASS 

In his tell-all book, fash- 
ion’s Mr. Blackwell con- 
fesses bisexual affairs— 
and having designed 
rhinestone-studded toilet- 
seat covers, promptly re- 
turned by sore customers 


WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM THE PUBLISHER OF A BIWEEKLY? 
Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner left his wife of 28 years 
BYE-BYE BLUES and took up with male model 


Matt Nye, to whom Mrs. 


New York City policewoman Carol 
W. refers as "Soon-Yi.” 


Shaya was fired for posing for PLAYBOY. 
So might policeman Edward 
Mallia for appearing 
in Playgirl. But fire- 
fighter William Bres- 
nan lost only 30 
days’ pay after 
performing with 
Porn queen 
Marilyn Cham- 
bers in a trio 
of softcore 


WE THANK YOU 
FOR YOUR SUPPORT 
Japan's Hip Bra lifts 
the buns five centime- 
ters. America coun- 
tered with Miracle 
Boost jeans. And so 
the guys won't feel 
left out, Super 
Shaper Briefs firm 
buns. The front pan- 
el boasts an option- 
al snap-in “endow- 
ment pad.” 


NAKED AMBITION: ІТ WORKED FOR THE BABES 
Іп “The Bimbo Conspiracy,” Spy magazine paid a tongue-in- 
cheek tribute to Sharon Stone, Anna Nicole Smith, La Toya Jack- 
son, Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak, Jessica Hahn and other 
gals whose ғідүвоү poses turned out to be good career moves. 


WILL IT WORK 
FOR THE BOYS? 
Now the guys are experi- 
menting with revealing 
magazine shots. Notori- 
ous penis-amputee John 
Wayne Bobbitt jumps for 
GQ, Jim Carrey strikes 
a Coppertone pose for 
Rolling Stone and bas- 
ketball player Dennis 
Rodman is Sports Illus- 
trated's cover boy. 


DEMON DENIM 
As sexy jeans ads proliferated, antiporn fanatics 
persuaded the FBI to look at Calvin Klein's youth- 
marketed messages. Although the cam- 
paign boosted sales, Klein yielded to pres- 
sure and pulled it. Diesel's imaginative 
ads included this play on Alfred Eisen- 
staedt's famous V-J Day photo (below). 


SAUCY AUSSIE TOPS BUSH LEAGUE 
Australian Racing Mower Association cofounder 
Michelle Patterson is one reason topless lawn- 
mower racing is said to be sweeping Australia 

“quicker than a bush fire.” 


TV's Burt “Robin” Ward, who 
boasts in his autobiography that he 


inseminated thousands of women jj 


Hugh Grant, for misunder- 
standing the reason his rented 
BMW had extra headroom. 


Barbie, banned in 
Kuwait as a “she- 
devil who has 
polished nails and 
wears skirts above 
the knee.” 


ton's spouse, Bob- 
by Brown, booked for (1) brawling 
over a girl at a Disney World bar, (2) 
peeing in the police caren route to 
the station, (3) allegedly kicking a 
Los Angeles hotel security guard. 


AND PROFIT Il 
Anne Manning says 
her extramarital affair 
with Newt Gingrich 
was limited to oral 
sex—so he wouldn't НҢ 
have to say that he “2%, “tem 
had slept with her. ты sei 


with “Bat Sperm.” 


Johnnie 
Cochran, 
whose ex- 
wife's book 
claims he 
‘slapped her 
around. 


Joey Buttafuoco, 
who saw his 
parole vanish 

into the Sunset, led 
by an under- 
cover cop. 


Ungentiemanly 
officer James 
Hewitt, who 
blabbed about 
adalliance 
with Di. 


Eric Douglas, arrested for doing 
‘something special in the air: 
pinching an American Airlines 
flight attendant on the butt. 


“ч 
THAT EXPLAINS THE JUMP IN TEEN PREGNANCIES 
The American Life League, a conservative Christian group, asked Disney 
corporate officials to remove Lion King videos from store shelves in order 
to editan offending scene in which stardust seems to spell the word sex. 


Ex-senator Bob Packwood. 


AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A 
ROCKET SCIENTIST 
Makers of the Lovemaster claim it “per- 


mits a man and а 


woman to engage „а 
in sexual d 
intercourse in 

a state of 

reduced 

gravity." 


THE YEAR IN SEX 


LOVE 
LETTERS IN 
THE SANDS 

OF TIME 


Perhaps 

desperate for 

publicity, aging 

STUPID CELEBRITY TRICKS singer Pat Boone 
Television has come a long owned up to 
way since Ed Sullivan cen- having cheated 
sored Elvis’ gyrating pelvis. оп his wife—37 
Noteworthy in 1995: Drew years ago. 


Barrymore flashing a de- 
lighted David Letterman 
and Jamie Lee Curtis and 
Jon Lovitz trading gropes on 
ABC's telecast of the American Comedy Awards. 


FELLATIO FOR FUN 
AND | m 
After a jail stint for refusing to 


the beans on Illinois Congress- 
man Mel Reynolds, who paid she 
for oral and other types of sex. a 


NO PORKING 
In Key West, Chi-Chi 
the potbellied pig 
was charged with 
sexually assaulting 
another hog—this 
one a Harley—and 
causing $100 dam- 
age. Despite a spirit- 
ed legal defense by 
local citizens, author- 
ities had the hapless 
porker neutered. 


DRESSED TO KILT 
In the historical drama Braveheart, Mel Gibson's rebels express 
contempt for their English adversaries, answering once and for all 
the age-old question: What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? 


HOLE LOTTA LOVE 

Courtney Love, the headline-making lead 
singer of Hole, gives her devoted concert 
fans a bit more of what they're looking for. 


FINGER- 
FLICKING 
соор 


Tim Jeffries 
shows photogra- 
phers what he 
thinks of their 
snapping his girl- 
friend, model Elle 
Macpherson, top- 
less on a St.- 
Tropez beach. 


GRAMMER UNCHECKED 
Frasier's radio shrink Kelsey Grammer 
had charges dropped that he had sex 
with his then-15-year-old baby-sitter. 


FELLATIO 
FOR N AND 
PROFIT IV 
Photos allegedly of Mar- 
lon Brando giving head, 
which had long circulated 


BUT DID 
CLARENCE underground, surfaced 
THOMAS on the Internet and in 
RENT IT? 


Right-wing presi- 
dential hopeful 
Phil Gramm ad- 
mitted to having 
helped fund a 
skin flick. 


SHE WOULD 
HAVE DONE BOOB 
YOU ARE PRINTS, BUT THE 
GETTING CARDS WERE TOO SMALL 
SLEEPY— For the guy who has every- 
VERY thing: individually Ж 
SLEEPY kissed lip prints by 4 
Researchers in Russ Meyer dis- 
Clearwater, Flori- covery Pandora 
da claim 79.8 Peaks. 
percent of 867 
women tested 
were able to 
increase their 
breast size 
through 
hypnosis. 


PLAYBOY 


142 


JOHNNY DEPP „аво 


What if I get Tourette’s syndrome and start barking 
and saying motherfucker to the whole world? 


said you were an impostor who had 
stolen his identity. 

DEPP: Sick. Scary. It was like the ulti- 
mate Dungeons & Dragons game, and 
I was the enemy. 

PLAYBOY: He called the studio demand- 
ing the money he had made for Scis- 
sorhands. That was funny to a lot of peo- 
ple. Was it funny to you? 

DEPP: It makes you think. I've had oth- 
er threats, too, and what hits you is 
that these people believe they're right. 
They can justify their hatred of you Бе- 
cause in their world, you are the ene- 
my. It makes you rethink your job 
when you realize you can affect some- 
опе so intensely. So to me, they're not 
evil. 

PLAYBOY: Stalkers and kooks aren't evil? 
DEPP: They think their hate is justified. 
PLAYBOY: How can you sleep? 

DEPP: I’m cautious but not really para- 
noid. I carry a gun. Not today, but 
when there are threats І carry a gun. I 
grew up around them and I can shoot 
alittle. І could never kill an animal, but 
I always liked target practice. Now I 
have a couple of Winchesters, a couple 
of .380s and a .38. Because basically, 
who wants to have a bunch of body- 
guards? I don't see myself with that 
kind of star treatment. Га rather 
bounce around on my own. But at the 
same time, when there's someone out 
there who actually wants to take your 
life, you should try to be ready. 
PLAYBOY: Being stalked must darken 
your view of human nature. 

DEPP: І never had the brightest view of 
human nature. 1 think humanity—so- 
ciety, at least—is violent. It's not getting 
any better. I don't think I’m cynical, 
but I do think maybe the world is 
тоге... sinful than ever before. 
PLAYBOY: Does that feeling find its way 
into your work? 

DEPP: It must. It's a sense that the world 
is harsh to some people. Harsh, judg- 
mental and wrong. 

PLAYBOY: Your movie misfits often fight 
back in funny ways. There's a story that 
you insisted on filming an alternate 
line in Benny & Joon at the climax of the 
love story. 

DEPP: That's true. It's right when the 
music comes up and he looks into her 
eyes. The line is, “Joon, I love you." 
PLAYBOY: And your line was—— 

DEPP: “Joon, I'm a bed wetter.” I'm still 
passionate about that line. I didn't get 
away with it, but I think it could have 


gotten a laugh and been touching at 
the same time. You can't help laughing 
at the pain of this poor bastard, but 
he's honest. And more than that . . . it’s 
easy to say "I love you." Тһе audience 
expects it. But to say you're a bed wet- 
ter, to reveal something like that, is say- 
ing I love you. It's saying I really love 
you, enough to tell you my deep, dark 
secret. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have a favorite date 
movie? 

DEPP: Wuthering Heights with Olivier is 
a real tearjerker. Or Mike Leigh's film 
Naked. You won't forget that one. 
PLAYBOY: How does porn affect you? 
DEPF: I like a porn film now and again, 
but I don't go out of my way to see one. 
I saw Edward Penis Hands. Tim Burton 
sent me a copy. It is a great film, really 
funny. As for most of it, I suppose it's 
arousing to some people, but I get a lit- 
tle embarrassed watching people fuck. 
Yov're sitting there watching and sud- 
denly it seems so strange—the image 
changes in your mind and they're not 
people anymore. The guy looks like a 
dog, making horrible faces. I'm sure 
there are beautiful porn films, artisti- 
cally made. I just don't want to see that 
guy. 

PLAYBOY: How about love scenes in your 
own films? Are they arousing? 

DEPP: I've never done a love scene that 
was arousing. The atmosphere is too 
ridiculous. You're lying there kissing 
some girl professing your undying 
love, and you see that grip over there 
eating a bologna sandwich. 

PLAYBOY: You've never had a boner 
on-screen? 

DEPP: Oh, I may have had a boner, but 
not in a love scene. 

PLAYBOY: You'd better explain. 

DEPP: Who knows what goes on under- 
neath the table, outside the frame? 1 
may have a feather duster down my 
pants, It’s not necessarily sexual, ci- 
ther. If I’m having a difficult time with 
a scene, getting too serious, I like to 
take a handheld duster or maybe a 
wrench, shove it down my pants and 
play the scene that way. Any object that 
doesn’t belong—it takes your mind off 
the seriousness of the situation. Just 
when you're bursting into tears you re- 
alize there’s a dust mop in your shorts. 
PLAYBOY: So there are multiple tracks in 
your head. One's in character while an- 
other is sending out dust mop alerts. 
DEPP: Yeah, and the other actor knows, 


too. That can add spice to the scene. 
Гуе used tools, fruit, a Іше squeegee 
that creates the sound of flatulence. It 
doesn't have to be in your pants, either. 
Ina close shot where they cut you offat 
the elbows, say, I may һауе a banana in 
my hand, or some guy's shoe. 
PLAYBOY: This from the man Brando 
wants to play Hamlet. What else can 
you tell us about acting? 
DEPP: Sometimes you hate it. So maybe 
you say, Yeah, I make faces for cash, I 
tell a few lies. And in a way thar's right. 
In a way it's just a gig like any other 
job. Except it's more unstable, maybe 
worse for your mental health. If you're 
doing what you should be doing as an 
actor, you won't be very emotionally 
stable. You are constantly manipulat- 
ing your emotions, fucking with your- 
self, fucking with your self. opening 
drawersin your head that you don't re- 
ally want to open but you have to, to 
maintain access to them. 
PLAYBOY: What drawers? 
DEPP: Family things. Childhood things. 
Fear and abandonment. Rage. You just 
feel stupid having this be a part of your 
job, and it fucks with you in bad ways. 
When you're really flopping around 
there [bitter laugh], you feel like an 
for doing it. For going through it. It 
can make you miserable for three or 
four months. But you do it. You feel 
like an idiot, but you do it because it's 
your fucking job. 
PLAYBOY: You're talking about. What's 
Eating Gilbert Grape, a movie that struck 
close to home. Gilbert, your character, 
was trapped іп a working-class family, 
but he had infinite longings. 
DEPP: That's one I haven't seen, Gilbert 
Grape. 
PLAYBOY: You still don't want to? 
DEPP: No, no. That mixed-up family 
and him being responsible, those issues 
clung to me. Making that movie was a 
bad time. 1 was as deep in the soup as 1 
could be. 
PLAYBOY: According to the tabloids you 
were hurting because of your breakup 
with Winona Ryder. 
DEPP: That wasn't really it. That’s what 
was written, but we hadn't broken up 
yet, we were still up and down. It had 
more to do with me, with the difficulty 
of being inside my skin. I was doing 
what I could to numb that feeling, do- 
ing some in-depth poisoning. 
PLAYBOY: What were your poisons? 
DEPP: Pretty much anything I could in- 
gest. And I was soused, drinking heav- 
ily, really doing myself in. When it gets 
constant, when you're going to sleep 
drunk, waking up and starting to drink 
again, that stuff will try to kill you. 
PLAYBOY Did you think your vices 
would actually kill you? 

(continued on page 187) 


T 5% REIN TENA E E 
Like all good-spirited elves, the Femlins are working overtime this holiday season to bring cheer to deserving celebrants. In 
this case, their surprise gift is a three-dimensional image called an autostereogram, created for PLAYBOY by NVision Grafix 
of Irving, Texas. As the Femlins frolic among the bows, champagne and mistletoe, they're building a favorite emblem. To 
see it, hold the magazine page to the tip of your nose, with your eyes unfocused and looking into the middle distance, as if 
you were gazing into a mirror. Slowly move the magazine to a comfortable reading distance, and continue to look deeply in- 
to the design. A familiar image should pop into view, carrying the Femlins' multidimensional wishes for a hoppy new year. 


143 


ESA TTD 


EA li 3 ON 


9 Г. Тї 
"at 2 / 
оз v L 


ROBIN QUIVERS 


t seems Robin Quivers doesn’t care about 
equal billing with America’s best known 
(and most fined) radio shock jock, Howard 
Stern. After all, she says, “Suzanne Ple- 
shette was an integral part of ‘The Bob New- 
hart Show.’ It was just named after him.” 
Quivers doesn't fuss about her job descrip- 
tion, either. She's been dubbed co-host, fou 
and even Stern's conscience. She balks at de- 
fending him, though. Taking the high road, 
she insists, “In a Society where there's sup- 
posed to be free speech, there is no reason to 
defend anybody who exercises his right.” 
Quivers considers herself a rarity: She's a 
graduate of broadcasting school who made 
it. Last spring she published an autobiogra- 
phy (plugged relentlessly on the air by Stern) 
detailing her troubled youth in Baltimore, 
her experience with the Air Force (she was a 
registered nurse who left the service with the 
rank of captain) and stints as a radio news 
reporter in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and 
her hometown. Those jobs led to an offer to 
team up with a Washington, D.C.—based 
jock who was pushing the bounds of taste 
and altering the traditional radio mix of 
news and music. The clincher: when she 
heard a tape of Stern interviewing a prosti- 
tute. “I don't know whether it was the sound 
of his voice or the way he was handling it. 
All I know is that every reservation I had 
about taking that job flew out the window.” 
Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker 
met with Quivers after a couple of her on-air 
shifts. He reports: “I had heard her laugh a 
lot on the air. She has been accused of being 
Stern’s laugh track. But I didn’t realize that 
the laughter would make it so difficult for 


the woman conversation” 
who shares 1. 

the mike with Broadcast 
howard stern 


ing forked over 
$1.7 million to 


ttle the Fed- 

sounds off on ai Communi 
ou; 

her breast macedog n 
reduction, proposed fines 


against the 
Howard Stern 
Show for "inde- 
cency" Do we 
now know the 
exact price of 
free speech? 

QUIVERS: No 
It's our right to 
do what we do. 
The fines are 


her boss' butt 
and why good 
ventilation is 
so important 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHANIE PFRIENOER 


attempts to censor us. It’s like Wal- 
Mart refusing to sell pLayßov. There's 
something wrong with wanting the 
right to tell people what they can read 
or look at or hear. People already have 
the power to limit us by not listening. 
The Howard Stern Show is being fined 
because it is the only genuine article of 
free speech. We fought, and we lost 
jobs for this. We were the people who 
paid the dues so that everyone could 
have freedom of speech on the radio. 
There's no free, freer, freest. Free is an 
absolute. You can't have limited free 
speech. 


2 


PLAYBOY: Won't you give some credit to 
the framers of the Constitution for in- 
cluding the First Amendment? 

quivers: If Thomas Jefferson had 
heard us, he probably would have said, 
"We shouldn't have free speech." 
There are a lot of other things he 
would not appreciate about today's so- 
ciety. Jefferson was among a group of 
guys who were elite in their thinking. 
They dragged an entire country into a 
revolution. Theirs was a little cabal that 
decided to break away because it was 
economically beneficial. And when 
they sat around making the rules, they 
made them for themselves. There were 
no women included. Blacks weren't in- 
cluded. I don't think Jefferson was a 
great guy. But thank God the Constitu- 
tion got written. I forget if he had a 
black woman. But there are all these 
black people named Jefferson. 


£k 


PLAYBOY: Describe your ideal candidate 
for aseat on the FCC. 

quivers: A blind man who can't hear. 
Maybe he would read the rules in 
braille and go out and check frequen- 
cies. And that would be the end of it. 
Making sure that one station doesn't 
bleed into another's signal and infringe 
on another's right to broadcast on that 
band—thar's what the FCC is supposed 
to do. It has no right to comment on 
content. Unfortunately, the courts dis- 
agree with me on this point. Newt Gin- 
grich has said there's no reason for the 
FCC, and 1 applaud that. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Do you and Howard conspire 
over an early-morning cup of coffee 
before you go on the air? 

QUIVERS: Please. We don't even talk in 
the morning. We don't talk with each 


other unless we're on the air. We're do- 
ing the Regis and Kathie Lee thing— 
keeping it fresh. We've never planned 
the show. It's “I'm going to throw this 
at you and see what you do with it," or 
"I'm going to throw this back and see 
how you catch it.” I choose what we 
talk about when I'm doing the news. Is 
it provocative and interesting? Will 
people be talking about this later in the 
day? І don't do stories just about men 
who have been arrested for hanging 
around under outhouses. We spend 
time talking about O.J., and if troops 
are being sent to Saudi Arabia, we cer- 
tainly talk about thar. 


Ex. 


PLAYBOY: One last time, recount the Se- 
lena controversy. 

QUIVERS: I discovered on coming in af- 
ter a weekend that this young woman 
who was called the Madonna of tejano 
music and who had won a Grammy 
had been murdered. I had never heard 
of her. I played a tape of her music to 
give people some idea of what she did. 
Now, when we talk about somebody in. 
the news, we try to make it as lively and 
as auditorily stimulating as possible. If 
somebody has fallen down a flight of 
stairs, you'll hear a body drop. If some- 
body has crashed in a plane, you'll hear 
the sound of a plane falling and then 
the splat. So when I talk about some- 
body who has been shot, you'll hear a 
gunshot 1 said on the air, “Here's Sele- 
na, who sang tejano music. She was the 
Madonna of tejano music. I don't even 
know what tejano is, but here's an ex- 
ample of what she does.” We played 
the tape and then the soundman 
played a gunshot. Then Howard said, 
“Wait a minute, that music!” He started 
to listen and he played the tape again, 
and he said, “Ah, I don’t like this. Who 
listens to this?” The people who never 
listen to our show and don't under- 
stand what we do were very offended. 


6. 


pLavpoy: Tempers flared when you and 
Linda Ronstadt happened to appear 
together on The Tonight Show shortly af- 
ter Selena’s death. She complained 
that your defense of Stern “upset” and 
“distracted” her during her perfor- 
mance and accused you of “shilling” 
for Stern and letting him take advan- 
tage of you. You made no apologies. 
Are we correct in assuming you don't 
have many Ronstadt albums in your 
collection? 


145 


PLAYBOY 


146 


quivers: None, thank goodness. I have 
never spent any money on that fat cow! 
She ripped off black people with those 
stupid covers of hers. Like when she 
sang Trachs of My Tears. That's a 
Smokey Robinson song. Linda Ron- 
stadt didn't write that. Smokey sang it 
better, and Linda just did it exactly the 
way he did it. She didn't add anything. 
She recorded a couple of Smokey's 
songs. She does a disservice to great 
music with that stupid soprano of hers. 
І thought something might happen 
when I saw that she was booked on the 
show with me. It was right after the Se- 
lena situation and she had done a cou- 
ple of Spanish albums. But I thought, 
What the heck, I'm on before her. I'll 
do my bit and that will be it. No big 
deal. We'll never interact with each 
other. But I was wrong. 


1. 


PLAYBOY: You're the only woman on the 
Howard Stern Show. Are you really “one 
of the guys"? 

quivers: I was the only girl in a family 
of boys. I have three brothers. So it 
seems I've been re-creating that sce- 
nario. I’ve always found men to be the 
most fascinating creatures. It really is 
like looking into a locker room. They 
don't always remember that they're in 
the presence of a woman and they let 
their guard down. I have a different re- 
lationship with each of the guys on the 
show. My feelings toward Howard and 
Fred Norris, one of the writers, are 
very family oriented. Jackie “the Joke 
Man” Martling is more of a sexual 
friend. He hits on me all the time. Stut- 
tering John often sidles up to me and 
tries to get a good hug. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Do you crack the whip over 
Howard and Company? 

QUIVERS: Oh sure. They perform for 
me. Men always do that peacock kind 
of thing. They try to be as funny for me 
as they can possibly be. When they do a 
recorded bit, they're always asking, 
“Robin, what do you think? Judge us 
now.” “Robin, come look at my butt 
and tell me if it looks better now. Is this 
the kind of butt that would turn you 
on?” Bare butt, sometimes. 


PLAYBOY: Radio studios tend to be 
cramped and poorly ventilated. How 
do you deal with flatulence? 

quivers: That’s why I have my own 
room. Men will fart, given space. I 
think it's because guys like their own 
smells. And they like to gross each oth- 
er out. They like to share that stuff. It's 
a bonding thing. I can't imagine two 
women sitting around and one cutting 
a fart and saying, “Ha-ha.” Certain 


things are guy things. There are 
women things too, like shopping. Guys 
don't get that. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: You presented Howard and 
his wife, Alison, with a vibrator. Was the 
gift appreciated? 

QUIVERS: Absolutely. 1 have been 
thanked profusely on the air because 1 
introduced the vibrator into their lives. 
Alot of thought went into it. A guy says 
he doesn't like foreplay, that foreplay із 
boring and he would like to just get to 
the act. But she wants foreplay. The vi- 
brator provides it and it's fast, so they 
both get what they want. 


11. 


PLAYBOY: "By any means necessary.” A 
fair description of your quest for high 
ratings? 

Quivers: Absolutely not! We're having 
a good time. That's all we do when we 
come here in the morning. Our objec- 
tive is to entertain as many people as 
possible. Is that crass? 1 never come іп 
and say, “Now I'm going to do some- 
thing that totally offends me or that I 
don't believe in, just for ratings.” We 
have discussions that anyone would 
have anywhere else. They have just 
never happened on the radio before. 
You might have these conversations 
when you're at a bar with a bunch of 
your guy friends or when you're in а 
locker room. Nobody has had them on 
the radio before. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: As the show's newscaster, are 
you in charge of target selection? 
quivers: I bring up everything. We 
never know what's going to be contro- 
versial. We're not doing it to raise a 
ruckus. We're amazed at what gets a re- 
action. We do things and think, Oh, 
everybody will get crazy about this, but 
we're wrong. The other day we had 
some people bring in the bones of a 
close friend who had been a regular on 
our program. She died of a drug over- 
dose. We found out who had her 
bones. So we told them to bring them 
in, that we wanted to see them. We 
were going through the bones on the 
air. Outrageous, but nothing hap- 
pened! Nobody said a word! Then 
there was the guy who called from the 
George Washington Bridge and said he 
felt like jumping. We kept him on the 
phone until help arrived. We thought, 
This will get us nothing but positive 
press. People thought it was a stunt. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Fess up. Do you screen tele- 
phone calls like every other talk radio 
show? 

quivers: Everybody else does that to 


make sure that the person on the 
phone doesn’t appear better or 
smarter than the host, or so the host 
won't be put into a situation where he 
has to say “I don’t know.” Мете not 
afraid of being in that position. We al- 
ways work with a delay because there 
are certain words you can't put out 
over the airwaves—the seven dirties. I 
don't know all of them, because I don't 
use those words. Piss is one. Asshole. 
Motherfucker. Fucker. Goddamn. That 
has softened the past couple of years. 
They started regulating the number of 
times you can use these words. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: You express surprise and dis- 
may when people say Robin Quivers 
doesn't sound black. Analyze the social 
and linguistic issues here. 

QUIVERS: 1 keep asking people what 
black sounds like. I spoke this way 
when 1 entered broadcasting school. 
My mother taught me to speak this 
way. She refused to allow us to slip into 
bad habits. If you talk on the phone 
with someone who you think sounds 
black and then you discover that he or 
she isn't, what does that say about your 
definition? 1 am black. 1 can only 
sound black. This is what black sounds 
like. My point is that if you're talking 
about somebody who is uneducated, il- 
literate, has bad syntax or can't speak 
standard American English, it has 
nothing to do with the color of his skin. 
People always talk about how racist this 
country is, but when you tell me I don't 
sound black, that's a racist statement. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Does radio—without face-to- 
face audience contact—foster a confes- 
sional atmosphere? 

Quivers: Absolutely. It makes it much 
more intimate—not like talking with a 
shrink but rather with a friend, a bud- 
dy, a pal. I don't even know you're 
there. I’m always shocked when people 
say things to me On the street thar 
somebody said on the show. Before I 
had my breast-reduction surgery, 1 was 
getting out ofa cab and the driver said, 
“When's your operation again?” I 
thought, 1 don't know you. What are 
you doing talking to me about some- 
thing like that? People wanted to call in 
and vote on whether 1 should have the 
surgery, and I said, “My body is not a 
democracy. This is not up for a vote.” 


16. 


PLAYBOY: We acknowledge a debt to the 

Howard Stern Show when we ask, “What 

is your cup size?” 

quivers: I'm a D. Used to be a double 

Р, somewhere in there. I never actual- 

ly bought the E bra I needed. My 
(concluded on page 193) 


“I said, Babs and I really must be going! 


Sorry to break up the party!” 


147 


Diaveovs JOLAYMATE 
REVIEW 


aroundup of the past delightful dozen 


WHO SHOULD BE 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR? 


NOTHER election year 
has come, and the can- 
didates are already lob- 
bying for your support 
But they're not kissing 

babies or making wild promises to 

win your favor. These hopefuls are 
relying on something far more per- 
suasive—their unimpeachable good 
looks. After all, the title they seek 
isn’t president of the United States; 
it's Playmate of the Year. And that 
calls for kinder, gentler politicking. 

Regardless of the outcome, the 12 

nominees will all be winners. But 


pick the one Playmate you deem 
most worthy of the honor, and listen 
to her special recorded message. 
(I'll definitely be the sexiest cam- 
paign speech you've ever heard.) 
And this primary is kind of like vot- 
ing in Chicago: You can call as many 
times as you like at a dollar per call. 
Besides reigning for a year as our 
First Lady, the Playmate of the Year 
will receive a $100,000 grand prize 
and the chance to thank her sup- 
porters with an encore appearance 
in our June issue. Twelve beautiful 
women have thrown their hats (and 


An attractive slate of candidates is eager 
for your support for Playmate of the Year. 
Julie Cialini will pass along her PMOY 
crown, but not until you make your choice. 


HELP US CHOOSE 


THE PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 
CALL YOUR FAVORITE PLAYMATE: 1-900-737-2299 


ONLY $1 PER CALL. EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD OR OLDER, PLEASE. 


everything else) into the ring. Put 
an end to voter apathy. Show you 


only one of them will be chosen 
PMOY. Here's how to express your 


preference: Dial the number below, care about tomorrow. Dial today. 


Phone us—and your chosen Playmate—at the number above to register your preference for Playmate of the Year. 
Call 1-900-737-2299 and, when instructed, tap in the appropriate personal code: Miss January, 01; Miss February, 02; 
Miss March, 03; Miss April, 04; Miss May, 05; Miss June, 06; Miss July, 07; Miss August, 08; Miss September, 09; 
Miss October, 10; Miss November, 11; Miss December, 12. Call now. Polling ends February 28, 1996. 


A product of Playboy, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Шіпоіз 60611. Service not available in Canada. 


MISS JANUARY—01 MISS FEBRUARY—02 MISS MARCH—03 


MISS APRIL—04 MISS МАҮ--05 MISS JUNE—! 


7 


MISS SEPTEMBER—09 


MISS OCTOBER—10 MISS NOVEMBER—I1 MISS DECEMBER—12 


Miss June 
RHONDA ADAMS 


“I'm going with the flow,” 
explains Rhonda (left). 24. 
who іп the past six months 
has modeled in Taipei, 
Cannes and Jamaica. “I 
haven't been home for more 
than two days straight since 
my issue hit the stands.” 
Home is West Palm Beach, 
where she shops, uses her 
in-line skates and “does the 
lunch thing” with girlfriends. 
Although Rhonda may move 
to Los Angeles to try acting, 
she's spending her next va- 
cation in Australia, I's been 
her dream for years. 


Miss March 
ШП SANCHES 


likes men in cowboy hats 
and “starched Wranglers, 
rolled tight,” but she may 
soon have trouble finding 
suitors. This month, 22- 
year-old Stacy is moving Lo 
Los Angeles to study acting. 
“It's a big challenge because 
Гтп so close to my family. Му 
mom says I'll have to get 

an 800 number, so we 

can talk every day.” Stacy is 
just as tight with her 

sibling, Kim. See for yourself 
in a new video 

called Playboy's Sisters. 


Miss (February 
LISA MARIE SCOTT 


Although Lisa (above right) 
rarely dances ballet any- 
more, she still performs reg- 
ularly. “I just finished shoot- 
ing a movie with Eric 
Roberts and Гуе been on 
High Tides with Rick 
Springfield,” says Miss Feb- 
ruary, who recently turned 
her attention Lo acting. But 
there are times when Lisa, 
21, doesn't want to be rec- 
ognized. like at college. 
where she gets straight А. 
“When I want to go incogni- 
to. I don't wear makeup.” 


Miss September 
DONNA D'ERRICO 


Just a few months ago, Don- 
na (left) drove a limousine in 
Las Vegas. Today, she’s the 

ing driven around in 
she rides the wave 
of publicity from her center- 
fold appearance. “I've 
moved to Los Angeles to 
pursue acting.” says Miss 
September, 27, who's al- 
ready been besieged with 
offers. She also uses her 
celebrity to help raise funds 
for charities, particularly 
ones for battered women 
and children. “After all. we 
are our brothers’ keepers.” 


Miss January 
MELISSA HOLLIDAY 


“Right now, I'm kicking 
back,” says 26-year-old 
Melissa (below right). After 
working nonstop for nearly a 
year, she’s earned it. Since 
Melissa's pictorial appeared, 
she has been on Baywatch 
as “a bikini babe,” in a Rem- 
brandts video and on a CD- 
ROM, playing a space-age 
beauty contestant. But mu- 
sic is Miss January's true 
love, and she’s now putting 
together a demo of her 
songs. “My dream is to sign 
а record contract. Then. Fm 
headed for the stars.” 


Miss May 
CINDY BROWN 


Always the maverick, Cindy 
(left) usually does the com- 
plete opposite of what you 
would expect. Reared on a 
ranch in Boron, California, 
where her family raised cat- 
Ше. she became a strict veg- 
etarian as a teenager. “I'm 
fiercely independent and 
strong-willed,” admits Cindy. 
21. "It must be my Cherokee 
ancesuy." True to form, 
right after appearing in 
рілувох, Cindy stepped out of 
the spotlight. Fortunately, 
She had a change of heart 
for this issue. 


Miss Wovember 
HOLLY WITT 


It's probably impossible to 
tell, but Holly (right) was 
rocking 10 Fifties music 
when this photograph was 
taken. “We were joking 
around, having fun, and 
Buddy Holly—no, I wasn't 
named after him—was play- 
ing full blast,” she says. Hol- 
ly, 27, gets just as excited 
about antiques, and s 
redecorated her condomini- 
um with Thirties ads for 
ір and pumpkin seeds. 
I'm really into old pic- 
tures." We plan to keep 
hers around, too. 


Miss October 
ALICIA RICKTER 


“I'm going to milk it,” con- 
fesses Alicia (above left) of 
being chosen as our 500th 
Playmate. Her strategy is 
ear-old 


everything from The Young 
and the Restless 10 ТҮ com- 
mercials in Spain to the new 
Frederick's of Hollywood 
catalog. Between gigs, Alicia 
studies psychology. “Being a 
perfectionist. I push myself 
and test life’s limits,” she 
Says. “But my goal is to 
achieve inner peace.” 


Miss April 
DAVELLE FOLTA 


“My schedule has been out 
of this world since I ap- 
peared in PLAYBOY,” Says 

Danelle (right), 26. "But. 1 
love working 16-hour days." 
Between modeling, taping a 

‘TV pilot, running 10Ks and 

raising funds for charities. 

she has hardly had time to 
enjoy the Colonial-style 
home she recently bought in 
Pennsylvania. Of course, 
that kept her busy, too—it 
was a fixer-upper and she 
did much of the repair work 
herself. “I'm not just a pretty 
face," says Danelle. 


Miss July 
HEIDI MARK 


“After my Playmate spread, I 
got lots of offers Lo do crazy 
stuff on film,” says Heidi 
(below left). But with her 
talent, the 24-year-old Los 
Angeles beauty can pick al- 
most any role she wan! 
One favorite is in a new 

ideo with her boyfriend. 
Motley Crue's Vince Neil. De- 
spite her fame, when Miss 
July gets together with 
friends back in West Palm 
Beach, they don't treat hei 
any different. “It’s 

ys our Sixties gal, 
I'm still just Heidi to them.” 


Miss Augu 
RACHEL JEAN 
MARTEEN 


"I'm just a normal person 
from а small town,” sa 
Miss August (left), 26. 
Maybe so, but since appear- 
ing in these pag 

schedule has been anything 
but typical. Rachel, a 
certified fitness instructor, 
teaches aerobics, models 
lingerie and swimsuits, 
studies acting and play 

golf regularly. The secret 

to her success is atti- 

tude. “I do well.” 6; 

ever upbeat Rachel, 

cause I'm down-to-earth, 
friendly and fun.” 


Miss December 


SAMANTHA TORRES 


After appearing in PLAYBOY, 
Samantha (right) took 
short holiday at her parents’ 


magical,” 5; 
Spain, whose modeling 
career is now red-hot. 
Samantha lı the fa 
pace and admits she "can't. 
sit still for ten minutes with- 
out dying of boredom 
When not modeling, the 2: 
year-old focuses her atte 
tion on acting, where she 
sees herself in * 
al roles.” No kidding. 


PLAYBOY 


COLLEGE BASKETBALL „гот page 132) 


Georgetown is another Big 


East contender, primarily 


because of Allen Iverson, a Playboy All-America. 


way to the Elite Eight last year, loses a 
couple of outstanding players but re- 
turns Playboy All-America center Mar- 
cus Camby, forwards Dana Dingle and 
Donta Bright and guard Edgar Padilla. 
Coach John Calipari and the Minute- 
men may have found the outside threat 
they need in Carmelo Travieso, who 
came on strong off the bench at the end 
of last season. Virginia Tech makes its 


der Koul to get the Colonials into the 
NCAA tournament. Temple coach John 
Chaney will put together another com- 
petitive team even though the Owls’ tal- 
ent level is down a bit. Graduated team 
leader Rick Brunson will be missed. St. 
Bonaventure has been revitalized under 
third-year coach Jim Baron. Tiny guard 
Shandue McNeill (57") is а ball-han- 
dling ace. Skip Prosser inherits a tough 


THE PLAYBOY ALLAMERICAS 


PLAYBOY'S College Basketball Coach of the Year is JIM HARRICK of UCLA. The 
Bruins won last seoson's national championship, their first since 1975. Harricks 
first seven years at UCLA have been the most successful of any Bruins coach. 
(Yes, including the Wizard himself, John Wooden.) In that time, his teams have 
won 20 or more games each season and participated in every NCAA tournament. 
Before coming to UCLA, Harrick coached Pepperdine to five consecutive West 
Coast conference titles 

ALLEN IVERSON—Guard, 6'1", sophomore, Georgetown. UPI rookie of the 
year, Big East rookie and defensive player of the year. Led Big East іп steals (3.6 
per game) and Hoyas in scoring (20.4 points per game). 

CHARLES O’BANNON—Guard, 66", junior, UCLA. Integral part of the Bruins’ 
national championship team. Shot .554 from floor. Averaged 13.6 ppg. 

RONNIE HENDERSON—Guard, 6'5", junior, Louisiana State. Led SEC in scor- 
ing last season with 23.3-ppg average. 

KERRY KITTLES—Guard, 6'5", senior, Villanova. Big Eos! player of the year. Big 
East tournament MVP Averaged 21.4 ppg and 6.1 rebounds per game. 

RAY ALLEN—Forward, 6'5", junior, Connecticut. First player in UConn history 
fo pass 1000-point mark as a sophomore. Averaged 21.1 ppg and shot 43.2 
percent from three-point line. 

KEITH VAN HORN—Forward, 6'9", junior, Utah. WAC player of the year. Led 
Utes in scoring (21 ppg) and rebounding (8.5 rpg). 

RYAN MINOR—Forward, 6'7", senior, Oklahoma. Led team in scoring (23.6 
рро), rebounding (8.4 rpg), three-point conversions (66) and free-throw shooting. 

MARCUS CAMBY—Forward, 6'11", junior, Massachusetts. In his first year he 
was only the fifth freshman in NCAA history to block more than 100 shots. Has 
208 career blocks. 

ERICK DAMPIER—Center, 6'11", junior, Mississippi State. Two-time All-SEC. 
Averaged 9.7 rebounds and 2.6 blocked shots per game. Ranked fourth in na- 
tion in field goal percentage (64). 

ТІМ DUNCAN— Center, 6'10", junior, Wake Forest. Named national defensive 
player of the year by Notional Association of Basketball Coaches. Led the ACC in 
rebounding (12.5 rpg) and blocked shots (4.2 pg). Had 259 rejections in just 
two seasons. 


conference debut carrying the banner of 
last year's National Invitational Tourna- 
ment championship. Coach Bill Foster 
returns five starters from that 25-win 
squad. Ace Custis and Shawn Smith are 
the best of the Hokies. George Washing- 
ton coach Mike Jarvis will attempt to 
parlay the outside skills of Kwame Evans 


160 and the emerging talent of 71” Alexan- 


situation at Xavier. The Musketeers won 
the MCC regular-season title under for- 
mer coach Pete Gillen, but four of five 
starters graduated. And Xavier faces much 
tougher opponents in the Atlantic Ten. 


BIG EAST 


The fiercely competitive Big East gets 
bigger as Notre Dame, West Virginia 


and Rutgers expand the conference to 
13 teams. There's no divisional split, so 
the climb from the bottom of this confer- 
ence is a long one, as the inductees will 
discover. Notre Dame coach John 
MacLeod is concerned about his team's 
ability to physically match up with 
board-crashing conference opponents 
Coach Gale Catlett thinks his West Vir- 
ginia team has already gained recruiting 
benefits from its new conference affilia- 
tion. Meanwhile, Villanova and Con- 
necticut will be butting heads at the top 
of the conference. The Wildcats return 
Big East player of the year Kerry Kittles, 
a Playboy All-America. Kittles shoots the 
three, is great in transition and is an out- 
standing defensive player. Coach Steve 
Lappas also likes Villanova's inside 
game, where 6'11” junior center Jason 
Lawson is bolstered by 69” forward 
Chuck Kornegay. U Conn's go-to man is 
Playboy All-America Ray Allen. Israeli- 
born Doron Sheffer runs the Huskies of- 
fense from his guard spot for coach Jim 
Calhoun. Georgetown is another Big 
East contender, primarily because of su- 
perstar guard Allen Iverson, a Playboy 
All-America. Othella Harrington gives 
the Hoyas experience and talent in the 
paint. Coach John Thompson has high 
expectations for transfer Godwin Owin- 
je, a 68” forward who averaged almost 
25 points and 16 rebounds per game in 
junior college. St. John’s had the talent 
but not enough experience to get over 
the .500 hump last year. Highly touted 
guard Felipe Lopez overcame inconsis- 
tent play in the early season to lead the 
Redstorm in scoring with a 17.8 ppg av- 
erage. Coach Brian Mahoney thinks 
Lopez will only improve, and he's opti- 
mistic about the future of 611% sopho- 
more center Zendon Hamilton. Syra- 
cuse is comfortably tucked in behind the 
front-runners in the Big East preseason 
derby, a position 19-year coach Jim Boe- 
heim likes. Forward John Wallace, who 
opted for the NBA draft but withdrew, 
returns and will be Boeheim's primary 
scorer. But the coach expects this team 
to succeed on overall balance and ath- 
leticism. Seton Hall coach George 
Blaney thinks he has the horses to play 
the up-tempo style he prefers. “Now we 
have enough quality players to run some 
truly competitive practices,” says the зес- 
ond-year coach, “and that's how you im- 
prove.” The Pirates’ point guard is Dan- 
ny Hurley, younger brother of former 
Duke standout Bobby. Pete Gillen ex- 
pects to turn Providence up-tempo as 
well with the recruitment of freshman 
point guard Shammgod Wells. An influx 
of freshmen and junior college transfers 
means that the team may struggle early 
but could coalesce by season's end. Juco 
transfers are the key for Miami as well. 
Kenny Davis and Clifton Clark arrive 
with impressive credentials. Pittsburgh's 
season hinges on the successful return of 


j y 


2 ң хм | 
с d 2 еі k 


Vii! 


“Wow! That was some New Year's Eve party!” 


161 


PL ATT EOE 


162 


guard Jerry McCullough, out last year 
with a knee injury. Coach Ralph Willard 
likes the looks of his freshmen, provided 
that they will remain academically eligi- 
ble. Boston College has terrific forward 
Папуа Abrams (22.1 ppg), but he's not 
enough to lead his team out of the bot- 
tom half of the conference. 


BIG EIGHT 


The Kansas Jayhawks are poised to 
win another Big Eight title (they've won 
or shared four of the past five) and make 


al 
ШІ 


а serious run at the national champi- 
onship. The strength of this year's team 
lies in the backcourt, where Playboy 
Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Jacque 
Vaughn teams with hot shooter Jerod 
Haase. Raef LaFrentz, a 611” forward, 
returns after living up to last year’s pre- 
season hype and winning the conference 
freshman of the year award. With center 
Greg Ostertag now in the NBA, coach 
Roy Williams is concerned about re- 
bounding and defensive play in the 
paint. “Some people took Ostertag for 


“You make a nace first impression yourself.” 


granted,” says the coach. "We'll miss 
him.” Six foot ten Scot Pollard will at- 
tempt to allay Williams’ concerns. Okla- 
homa and Missouri will fight for second 
place. Sooner coach Kelvin Sampson has 
designed his offense around Playboy All- 
America Ryan Minor. Ernie Abercrom- 
bie and Dion Barnes are experienced re- 
turning players. Missouri coach Norm 
Stewart likes the Tigers’ blend of size 
and quickness this season. Twin towers 
Sammie and Simeon Haley are 71” and 
7’, respectively. Julian Winfield is steady 
at the guard position. The Tigers get a 
bonus with the return of 1994 Big Eight 
freshman of the year Kelly Thames, who 
missed last season with a knee injury. 
Nebraska tries to bounce back from a 
disappointing season that saw the team 
miss the NCAA tournament. Coach Dan- 
ny Nee returns four starters, including 
senior guards Jaron Boone and Erick 
Strickland. Bernard Garner, junior col- 
lege player of the year last season, 
should provide immediate help in the 
frontcourt. Oklahoma State, last year’s 
surprise team in the Final Four, must re- 
group after losing Bryant “Big Country” 
Reeves and Randy Rutherford to gradu- 
ation. Coach Eddie Sutton has some 
promising talent, including guard Andre 
Owens, that might come together by sea- 
son’s end. 


BIG TEN 


Balance and youth will characterize 
the Big Ten again this year. And while 
there may not be any superstars this sea- 
son, there are several in the making. 
Four teams have an even shot at the con- 
ference title, but we give the nod (by the 
thinnest of margins) to Michigan, based 
on potential alone. The Fab Five may be 
gone, but coach Steve Fisher's recruits 
could turn out to be nearly as good. 
Maurice Taylor (Big Ten freshman of the 
year), Maceo Baston and Jerod Ward are 
69” sophomores who should benefit 
from a year's experience. Michigan's 
man in the middle will be Robert Tray- 
lor, a 69”, 290-pound freshman with soft 
hands and quick feet. Freshman guard 
Louis Bullock could give the Wolverines 
the outside shooting they lacked last 
year. lowa returns four starters, includ- 
ing Jess Seules and Chris Kingsbury, two 
talented and intense juniors. Kingsbury, 
who led the Hawkeyes in scoring and set 
school records for three-pointers made 
and attempted, has never met a shot he 
didn't like. Senior Kenyon Murray gives 
coach Tom Davis an experienced floor 
leader while 611" freshman Guy Rucker 
could fill thc big-man role in the middle. 
Indiana also returns four starters, losing 
only Alan Henderson to graduation and 
the NBA. Sherron Wilkerson, who 
missed last season with a broken leg, re- 
joins the team. Brian Evans (17.4 ppg) 
and Andrae Patterson will be backed up 
by three juco transfers. The last junior 


Bartenders іп elf hats. 
Disco Christmas carols. 


Red & green clam dip. 
Ae M Айй per ө m ee d > 


а 
— 
سس‎ 


n 


The most popular whisky in the American home. 


Imported and Bottled by Brown Forman Beverages Worldwide, Canadian Whisky. A Blend, 40% Al. by Vdume, Louisvila, KY. 01905 


DILCARVYORIOAY 


college players Bob Knight recruited 
were Keith Smart and Dean Garrett, 
who helped the Hoosiers to the 1987 na- 
tional championship. Although Knight 
has more trophies and gets more ink, 
there isn't a better coach in the Big Теп 
than Purdue’s Gene Keady, master 
scowler and maximizer of talent. Keady 
managed to push the Boilermakers to 
the Big Ten title last season despite los- 
ing national player of the year Glenn 
Robinson to the pros. Keady's keys to 
success are defense and depth. Purdue 
regularly played ten players last season 
and outscored the opponent's bench in 
25 of 32 games. Illinois may have the 
conference's best backcourt in Kiwane 
Garris (15.9 ppg) and three-point ace 
Richard Keene. Now the Illini need 
some of their talented young frontcourt 
players to come through. Coach Lou 


farious method of the junior college 
transfer. Credits by mail, open-book 
“practice tests,” phantom test takers and 
circulated answer sheets all figure in the 
duplicity that is likely to ensnare a num- 
ber of college programs which rely on 
recruiting the juco circuit. Few confer- 
ences will feel the effect of the scandal 
more than the Big West, which has long 
relied on juco transfer talent. Rumors 
abound that New Mexico State, already 
under an NCAA investigation, may be 
headed for severe penalties. First-year 
UNLV coach Bill Bayno has three junior 
college transfers penciled into his start- 
ing lineup. In fact, every team in the 
conference plans to supplement return- 
ing talent with juco transfers who will be 
long-departed from college by the time 
the NCAA comes to grips with the prob- 
lem. In the meantime, Utah State will 


ANSON MOUNT SCHOLAR/ATHLETE 


The Anson Mount Scholor/Athlete Award recognizes achievement both in the clossroom. 
опа on the basketball court. Nominated by their universities, the candidates ore judged on 
Their scholastic ond athletic accomplishments by the editors of eov, The смога winner 
‘attends ғілувоҮ5 preseoson All-America Weekend (held this year in Chicago), receives a 
bronzed commemorative medallion ond is included in the team photograph published in 
the magozine. In oddition, рілувоу owards $5000 to the general scholorship fund of the 
winner's school. 

This year's Anson Mount Scholor/Alhlele Award in bosketboll goes to Jocque Vaughn 
irom the University of Kansas. Last year, this € 1" junior guard was first-team All Big Eight, 
Third-teorn UPI All-American ond one of 15 finalists for the John Wooden Player of the Year 
‚Award. He led the Big Eight and was fourth nationally in assists with a 7.7 per-game ау- 
erage. Voughn is o three-lime Joyhawk Scholar, a two-time Academic All Big Eight ond 
hos won the Big Eight Conference Classroom Champion Award. His major is business od- 
ministration, ond his overall GPA is 3.78. 

Honorable mentions: Aljoy Foreman (Centenary), Mark Pope (Kentucky), Jess Settles 
(lowo), Chris Miskel (Butler), Doug Brondt (Baylor), Bobby Kummer (North Carolina-Chor- 
lotte), Nico Harrison (Montana Slate), Joson Glock (Nebrosko), Ralf Melis (North Coroli- 
na-Asheville), Jerod Hoose (Kansos), Pot Gorrity (Notre Dame), Eric Franson (Utah State), 
Alex Kohnen (Navy), Frank Seckar (Vanderbilt), Jeff Jocobs (Texas Christian), Anthony 
Boone (Mississippi), Michael Jones (Southern Mississippi), Micah Morsh (Arkan- 
sos State), David Kutcher (Weslern Illinois), Quinn Harwood (Davidson), Terry Preston 


(Шаһ), Darryl Franklin (American). 


Henson expects sophomores Jerry Gee 
(68”) and Brett Robisch (6'11”) to an- 
swer the call. Freshman forward Ryan 
Blackwell could crack the starting lineup 
this year. Michigan State has to fill the 
backcourt spots vacated by graduates 
Shawn Respert and Eric Snow. Tom Izzo 
has an even bigger void to fill as he takes 
over as coach for retired Jud Heathcote. 
New Penn State coach Jerry Dunn ex- 
pects 611” freshman center Calvin 
Booth to have an immediate impact on 
the defensive end of the court. Dunn ге- 
places Bruce Parkhill, a victim of coach- 
ing burnout. 


BIG WEST 


The latest scandal in college basket- 
ball involves players who become eligible 
to play on the Division I level through 


164 the sometimes mysterious and even ne- 


ride Eric Franson, 1994-1995 confer- 
ence player of the year, to another win- 
ning season. James Cotton, who returns 
after sitting out on an injury redshirt, 
should help Long Beach State to anoth- 
er 20-win campaign. The 49ers were the 
Big West tourney champ and NCAA 
tournament entry last year. Two-guard 
Brian Green (15.1 ppg) and forward 
Faron Hand will put the teeth in the 
Nevada Wolf Pack attack this year. 
COLONIAL 

When Odell Hodge, 1994 conference 
player of the year, went down in the 
fourth game of the season, you would 
have expected Old Dominion to falter. 
Instead, the Monarchs, led by the three- 
pointshooting of Petey Sessoms, won the 
conference title and beat Villanova in the 
NCAA tournament before being ousted 


by Tulsa. Sessoms has graduated, but 
Hodge is back. Coach Jeff Capel will 
send 666" transfer Joe Bunn and 610” 
freshman Reggie Bassette into the fray. 
ODU will get a strong challenge from 
Virginia Commonwealth, which moves 
to the Colonial from the Metro this 
season. VCU's frontcourt trio—Ber- 
nard Hopkins, George Byrd and John 
Smith—is nicknamed “the Earth- 
movers” because they weigh іп at 250, 
265 and 270, respectively. Second-year 
coach Jerry Wainwright will try to build 
on last season's 16-11 success at North 
Carolina-Wilmington. The Seahawks 
May start three freshmen. At James 
Madison, coach Lefty Driesell must re- 
place graduated top scorers Louis Rowe 
and Kent Culuko. Joe Dooley, who re- 
places Eddie Payne at East Carolina, is 
the youngest coach in Division I men's 
basketball, at the age of 29. 


CONFERENCE USA 


Combining the most powerful teams 
from the now-defunct Metro and Great 
Midwest, the new Conference USA 
promises to be one of the best basketball 
leagues in the nation. Made up of 11 
teams (12 next year with the addition of 
Houston). Conference USA could place 
five members in the top 25 this sea- 
son. Memphis returns everyone except 
NBA-bound David Vaughn. Center Lo- 
renzen Wright (14.8 ppg) made an im- 
mediate impact in his freshman season, 
showing strong skills inside and running 
the floor well for a big man (he's 611”). 
The Tigers guard rotation is quick and 
deep with point man Chris Garner, scor- 
er Mingo Johnson and LaMarcus Gold- 
en off the bench. Forward Michael Wil- 
son is one of the great leapers in the 
nation. Denny Crum will celebrate his 
silver anniversary season at Louisville 
with a talented roster. His fledgling Car- 
dinals won 19 games last year even 
though two juniors were his oldest play- 
ers. Best of the returnees is guard De- 
Juan Wheat (16.5 ppg), who had 84 
three-pointers last year, and center-for- 
ward Samaki Walker, the Metro fresh- 
man of the year last season. The NBA 
pitched Cincinnati coach Bob Huggins 
hard in the off-season. Huggins consid- 
ered a move, then signed a new long- 
term contract with the Bearcats. As usu- 
al, Huggins-coached Cincinnati will be 
formidable. Danny Fortson is coming off 
а great freshman season in which he ау- 
eraged 15.1 points and 7.6 rebounds. 
Pivot man Art Long and guard Damon 
Flint, who was hobbled toward the end 
of last season with foot injuries, are also 
back. Coach Perry Clark thinks he may 
have the best team in his seven-year 
tenure at Tulane. Forward Jerald Hon- 
eycutt, who led the Metro in scoring 
(17.3 ppg) returns, along with Rayshard 
Allen (16.4 ppg). Tennessee transfer 

(continued on page 171) 


IAS 


» 


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© 


“Happy New Year, you guys! Come join us in our power walk.” 


165 


VOTE FOR YOUR 
FAVORITES 


rr was an interesting year. 

Gangsta rappers faced ıre- 

mendous pressure to censor 
) themselves. Pearl Jam tried 

to tour without Ticketmaster. 
Courtney Love's every move was 
recorded by photographers. The 
media frenzy surrounding Michael 
Jackson's CD HIStory didn't add up 
to huge sales. A young fiddle player, 
Alison Krauss, revived bluegrass. 
Saxophonist James Carter made jazz 
seem young again. There was a big 
blues revival on CD, and good-time 
music from Sheryl Crow. Hootie & 
the Blowfish, the Dave Matthews 
Band and Blues Traveler jammed 
the airwaves and the concert stages. 
Death took Selena, a young phenom 
whose tejano music crossed into the 
mainstream after her murder. Head 
Dead Jerry Garcia died too, ending 
the fantasy that Sixties culture could 
outlast the Nineties. Musicians set- 
tled into chat rooms on the Internet, 
R.E.M. came out of hibernation, 
George Jones and Tammy Wynette 
reunited and Barry White's distinc- 
tive bedroom voice caressed lyrics 
again, Bjórk moved out of the clubs 
and onto the main stage. lt was a 
year with less stadium hoopla and 
more musical intimacy. We approve. 


1 Al AAN et 
Here is the 1996 Jazz £ Rock Poll 
ballot. Check the box next to your 
favorite performer in each category 
(or write someone in). Put a stamp 
on the attached envelope and mail it 
in no later than January 15, 1996. 


2194 цов}әр 


ROCK 


MALE VOCALIST 
O Jimmy Buffett 
OQ Eric Clapton 
П Chris Isaak 
П Michael Jackson 
Q Elton John 
ÛJ Tom Petty 
Û Rod Stewart 
LJ Matthew Sweet 
O Eddie Vedder 


INSTRUMENTALIST 
Û Luther Allison 
Q Peter Buck 
O Jerry Garcia 
O Stone Gossard 
O Dave Grohl 
Û Buddy Guy 
O Thurston Moore 
OQ John Popper 
O Keith Richards 


O Neil Young OQ Carlos Santana 
т т 
FEMALE VOCALIST ALBUM 
O Björk O Cracked Rear View, 
Û Sheryl Crow Hootie & the Blowfish 
O Melissa Etheridge O From the Cradle, 
O PJ Harvey Eric Clapton 


ÛÛ Annie Lennox 

O Natalie Merchant 
O Bette Midler 

{0 Johnette Napolitano 
Û Sinéad O'Connor 


O Selena 
FY 


GROUP 
Û Blues Traveler 
O Cranberries 
O Hole 
0 Hootie 8 the Blowfish 
O Live 
Û Dave Matthews Band 
O Offspring 
O Phish 
О REM. 
Û Soul Asylum 


ÛÛ HIStory, Michael Jackson 

Û Let Your Dim Light Shine, 
Soul Asylum 

Û Live Through This, Hole 

O Medusa, Annie Lennox 

Q Mirror Ball, Neil Young 

Û Monster, R.E.M. 

Û No Need to Argue, 
Cranberries 

Q To Bring You My Love, 
PJ Harvey 


372,2. 


MALE VOCALIST 
O Tony Bennett 
LI] Peabo Bryson 
O Harry Connick Jr. 
O Dr. John 
Û Guru 
Û Lionel Hampton 
O Al Jarreau 
O Najee 
(1 Frank Sinatra 
O Mel Tormé 


fu 


INSTRUMENTALIST 
0 Geri Allen 
[Г] James Carter 
Û Kenny G 
O Herbie Hancock 
O Roy Hargrove 
LJ Wynton Marsalis 
O Kenny Rankin 
Û Joshua Redman 
ÛÛ Arturo Sandoval 
O Jackie Terrason 


fn 


FEMALE VOCALIST 


O Anita Baker 

{0 Rachelle Ferrell 
O Ella Fitzgerald 

O Nnenna Freelon 
0 Lena Horne 

ÛÛ Phyllis Hyman 

Û Etta James 

Û Abbey Lincoln 

O Sade 

O Cassandra Wilson 


GROUP 
O Béla Fleck 
Û Incognito 
Q Jazz Crusaders 
0 Jazz Masters 
Û Manhattan Transfer 
Û Pat Metheny Group 
O Spyro буга 
Û TJ. Kirk 
LJ World Saxophone Quartet 
O Yellowjackets 

т 


ALBUM 
Q Bing, Bing, Bing!, 
Charlie Hunter Trio 
LJ Damn!, Jimmy Smith 
П Dis Is da Drum, 
Herbie Hancock 
Q First Instrument, 
Rachelle Ferrell 
DO The Latin Train, 
Arturo Sandoval 
O Mystery Lady, Etta James 
{0 Pearls, David Sanborn 
Û The Real Quietstorm, 
James Carter 
O Rite of Strings, 
Stanley Clarke, Al 
Di Meola & Jean-Luc Ponty 
Г] Turtles Dream, 
Abbey Lincoln 


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Û Dumb and Dumber 
0 Empire Records 


Û Friday 


Û Nine Months 
O Pulp Fiction 


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VIDEO 


U Believe, Elton John 

Q Buddy Holly, Weezer 

Û Down by the Water, PJ Harvey 

O /1 Be There for You/You're All | Nee 
Method Man with Mary J. Blige 

Û Lightning Crashes, Live 

O Love Is Strong, Rolling Stones 

0 Scream, Michael Jackson and 
Janet Jackson 

O Somebody's Crying, Chris Isaak 

Û Waterfalls, TLC 

0 You Gotta Be, Des'ree 


т 
V) 


O Bill Bellamy 

{2 Sherry Carter 

Q Daisy Fuentes 
O Katie Haas 

O Kennedy 

Û Kurt Loder 

O Shelley Mangrum 
O Paul Porter 

O Donnie Simpson 
O Tabitha Soren 


ә 


HALL өр Р 


O Tony Bennett 
Û James Brown 
OQ Johnny Cash 
O Sam Cooke 

Û Aretha Franklin 
O Jeny Garcia 
0 Manin Gaye 
Û Dizzy Gillespie 
Û Billie Holiday 
O Jeny Lee Lewis 
O Charlie Parker 
Is 

O Smokey Robinson 
O Mel Tormé 

O Hank Williams 


O Jackie Wilson e 


REBIRA? COUNTRY 


MALE VOCALIST 
Û Clint Black 
Û Garth Brooks 
O Tracy Byrd 
O Joe Diffie 
ÛÛ Alan Jackson 
Û George Jones 


auay цовјәр 


П Tim McGraw | 
O George Strait | 
П Travis Tritt { 
O Dwight Yoakam ! 
= ALBUM | 
O Hog Wild, | 
Hank Williams Jr. | 
FEMALE VOCALIST Û John Michael Mongomery, | 
Û Mary Chapin Carpenter John Michael | 
O Faith Hill Montgomery | 
ÛJ Patty Loveless Û Lead On, George Strait | 
Û Martina McBride O Love Lessons, | 
ÛJ Reba McEntire Tracy Byrd | 
Û Lorrie Morgan O Now That I've Found You, ! 
MALE VOCALIST GROUP Û Pam Tillis - Alison Krauss Н 
UI D'Angelo O Al-4-One о Shania Twain Q One, George Jones and ) 
Û Al Green O Beastie Boys Û Tammy en Tammy Wynette ) 
O Montel! Jordan Û Bone Thugs-N-Harmony ÛÛ Trisha Yearwoo о Опе Emotion, Clint Black | 
О Brian McKnight Û Boyz ll Men Æo Û Thinkin’ About You, ' 
Method Man O Brownstone SSS SSeS Trisha Yearwood Н 
Q Aaron Neville Û Jodeci GROUP Q The Woman in Ме, | 
C]. Notorious В1б. Q Naughty by Nature O Alabama Shania Twain | 
O Seal П PM. Dawn Û Blackhawk О You Have the Right to | 
а Barry White O тс Q Brooks 8 Dunn Remain Silent, | 
O Stevie Wonder Û Wu-Tang Clan С] Confederate Railroad Perfect Stranger | 
Û Diamond Rio т ) 
f£ — П Little Texas Se E | 
FEMALE VOCALIST ALBUM en | 
O Mary J. Blige Û Brandy, Brandy QO Shenandoah f 
Û Brandy Û Brown Sugar, D'Angelo П Tractors 
O Des'ree O Crazysexycool, TLC | 
Q Dionne Farris П From the Bottom Up, | 
Û Adina Howard Brownstone | 
П Gladys Knight П The Icon Is Love, | 
Q Monica Barry White 
ÛJ Chanté Moore П Me Against the World, 
O Jody Watley Tupac 
O Vanessa Williams П My Life, Mary J. Blige 


Хп ЫЧ Tical, Method Man 
ÛÛ The Show, the After-Party, 
the Hotel, Jodeci 


O This Is How We Do It, 
“ey Montell Jordan 


COLLEGE BASKETBALL шша page 164) 


Princeton coach Pete Carril at least remembers what 
winning the Foy feels like. He's done it ten times. 


Shun Sheffield gives the Green Wave the 
center it lacked last year. Newcomers 
Keith Harris, Patrick Lewis and Derrick 
Moore will strengthen Tulane's outside 
game and provide Clark with a nine- 
man rotation. Marquette returns every- 
one except guard Tony Miller from its 
NIT-runner-up squad. Second-year 
coach Mike Deane expects his team to 
maintain the defensive pressure (the 
Golden Eagles were second in the nation 
in field goal-percentage defense) and 
rain threes from an up-tempo offense. 
Aaron Hutchins will replace Miller at 
point, while Mike Bargen could break 
into the starting lineup as a freshman. 
Alabama-Bi: gham can contend if 
forward Carlos Williams has recovered 
from a knee injury. Junior college re- 
cruits Marcus Norwood and Norman 
Williams strengthen the Blazers’ front- 
line. North Carolina-Charlotte will miss 
graduated Metro player of the year 
Jarvis Lang. Juco transfer Alexander 
Kueh] (727) gives coach Jeff Mullins the 
tallest player in the conférence. St. Louis 
coach Charlie Spoonhour is scrambling 
to fill holes after the graduation of Erwin 
Claggett and three other starters. Says 
the undaunted Spoon: “I’ve found that 
sometimes it's easier to bring in a whole 
new bunch than try to blend one or two 
new guys with a team that is set in its 
ways.” 


IVY LEAGUE 


Good news for the other guys in the 
Ivy: Pennsylvania graduated all five 
starters, including Jerome Allen and 
Matt Maloney to the NBA, offering hope 
that the streaking Quakers—who have 
won 43 straight conference games and 
three consecutive league titles—may 
finally be stopped. The bad news: Penn's 
subs, especially forward Ira Bowman 
and center Tim Krug, may be better 
than everyone else's starters. Three 
teams, however, have a shot at breaking 
the Penn title monopoly. Princeton 
coach Pete Carril at least remembers 
what winning the Ivy feels like. He's 
done it ten times in a career that spans 
29 years and more than 500 victories. 
The Tigers return all five starters, but 
they must improve their shooting to 
make Carril's control offense work. 
Brown coach Frank Dobbs thinks his 
team will be significantly better than its 
-500 showing of last season. The Bears’ 
strength is in the backcourt, with Eric 
Blackiston and Brian Lloyd returning 
for their senior seasons. Dartmouth, 
which finished a distant second to Penn 
last season, returns outside threat Sea 


Lonergan and 7’ inside threat Brian 
Gilpin. Freshman shooting guard Jason 
Neeser could be an important addition 
for the Big Green. 


MID-AMERICAN 


Miami is ready to build on last year’s 
23-7 success, which included a confer- 
ence championship (16-2) and a first- 
round upset of Arizona in the NCAA 
tournament. Forward Devin Davis 
brings his 16.9-ppg average and dread- 
locks back for his junior season. Second- 
year coach Herb Sendek must replace 
leading rebounder Jamie Mahaffey and 
stellar defender Derrick Cross, both lost 
to graduation. Ball State earned a trip to 
the NCAA tournament last year thanks 
largely to MAC freshman of the year 
Bonzi Wells (15.8 ppg). The return of 
fellow guard Marcus Norris gives BSU 
the best backcourt in the conference. 
The long and short of it at Eastern 
Michigan is 69" center Theron Wilson, a 
ferocious shot blocker, and 55" guard 
Earl Boykins, whom coach Ben Braun 
describes as “the real deal.” Ohio tries to 
adjust to life without star center Gary 
‘Trent, who went to the NBA after his ju- 
nior season. 


MIDWESTERN 


Xavier, last year’s MCC champ, has 
moved to the Atlantic Ten conference. 
Longtime Wisconsin-Green Bay coach 
Dick Bennett has stepped up to the head 
coaching job at Wisconsin. Former assis- 
tant Mike Heideman replaces Bennett, 
who led the Phoenix to several memo- 
rable NCAA tournament appearances. 
Heideman inherits a solid nucleus from 
last season's 22-win team, including fo 
ward-center Jeff Nordgaard. Ralph Ui 
derhill may have the best team in his 17- 
year tenure at Wright State. Vitaly 
Potapenko (67107), from Ukraine, was 
conference newcomer of the year last 
season. Transfers Donyale Bush, Yann 
Barbitch and Derek Molis improve the 
outlook at Loyola-Chicago. Likewise, 
Michigan transfer Leon Derricks vill 
bolster Detroit after the Titans finished a 
disappointing 13-15 last year. Butler will 
improve as quickly as 72” center Rolf 
van Rijn, a Netherlands import whose 
basketball career began just five years 
ago. Illinois-Chicago will find the road 
a bit bumpy with the loss of Sherell Ford 
to the NBA. Wisconsin-Milwaukee has 
flashy Shannon Smith (24.5 ppg) but not 
much else. 


MISSOURI VALLEY 


Former Kansas assistant Steve Robin- 
son takes over for Tubby Smith as head 
coach at Tulsa. Hc inherits the best play- 
er in the conference in 65" junior guard 
Shea Seals (18.8 ppg), who gets our best- 


playcr-you'vc-never-heard-of award this 


172 


PLAYBOY'S 1096 COLLEGE 


AMERICAN WEST 
1. SOUTHERN UTAH 3. CALIFORNIA STATE 
STATE SACRAMENTO 


2. CALIFORNIA STATE- 4. CALIFORNIA POLY. 

NORTHRIDGE SAN LUIS OBISPO 
STANDOUTS: Reggie Ingram, Daryl Christopher (Southern 
Utah State); Michael Dorsley (California State-Narth- 
ridge); Abie Ramirez, David Victor (California State-Sac- 
ramento); Damien Levesque (California Poly-San Luis 
Obispo). 


ATLANTIC COAST 


"1. WAKE FOREST 6. DUKE 
"2. VIRGINIA 7. FLORIDA STATE 
*3. MARYLAND 8. NORTH CAROLINA 


“2. GEORGIATECH STATE 

*5. NORTH CAROLINA 9. CLEMSON 
STANDOUTS: Tim Duncan (Wake Forest); Harold Deane, 
Curtis Staples (Virginia); Exree Hipp, Keith Booth, Johnny 
Rhodes (Maryland); Drew Barry, Matt Harpring (Georgia 
Tech); Jeff McInnis, Dante Calabria (North Carolina); Jeff 
Capel, Ricky Price, Trajan Langdon (Duke); James Collins, 
Corey Louis (Florida State); Todd Fuller (North Carolina 
State), 


ATLANTIC TEN 


%1. MASSACHUSETTS 7. DUQUESNE 
*2. VIRGINIA TECH 8. ST. JOSEPH'S 


*3. GEORGE 9. RHODE ISLAND 
WASHINGTON 10. LASALLE 
4. TEMPLE 11. DAYTON 


5. ST BONAVENTURE 12. FORDHAM 
6. XAVIER 

STANDOUTS: Marcus Camby, Donta Bright, Dana Dingle 
(Massachusetts); Ace Custis, Shawn Smith, Shawn Good 
(Virginia Tech); Kwame Evans, Alexander Koul (George 
Washington); Johnny Mille, Jason Ivey (Temple); Shandue 
McNeill (St, Bonaventure); T.J. Johnson (Xavier); Tom 
Pipkins, Kevin Price (Duquesne); Mark Bass, Reggie Town. 
send (St. Joseph's); Tyson Wheeler, Cuttino Mobley (Rhode 
island); Romaine Haywood (La Salle); David Mascia 
(Fordham). 


BIG EAST 
51. VILLANOVA 8. MIAMI 
%2. CONNECTICUT 9. PITTSBURGH 
*3. GEORGETOWN 10. BOSTON COLLEGE 
^а. ST. JOHN'S 11. WEST VIRGINIA 
+5. SYRACUSE 12. NOTREDAME 
6. SETON HALL 13. RUTGERS 


7. PROVIDENCE 
STANDOUTS: Kerry Kittles, Jason Lawson, Eric Eberz 
(Villanova); Ray Allen, Doron Sheffer (Cornecticut); Allen 
Iversen, Othella Harrington (Georgetown); Felipe Lopez, 
Zendon Hamilton, Charles Minlend (St. John's); John Wal- 
lace (Syracuse); Adrian Griffin, Danny Hurley (Seton Hall); 
Austin Croshere, Michael Brown (Providence); Steven Ed- 
wards, Steve Rich (Miami); Jerry McCullough (Pittsburgh); 
Danya Abrams (Boston College); Damian Owens, Seldon Jef- 
ferson (West Virginia); Pat Garrity, Ryan Hoover (Notre 
Dame); Albert Karner, Andrew Kolbasovsky (Rutgers). 


BIG EIGHT 
%1. KANSAS 5. OKLAHOMA STATE 
"2. OKLAHOMA 6. KANSAS STATE 
^3. MISSOURI 7. IOWA STATE 


. NEBRASKA B. COLORADO 
STANDOUTS: Jacque Vaughn, Raef LaFrentz, Jerod Haase 
(Kansas); Ryan Minor, Ernie Abercrombie, Dion Barnes 
(Oklahoma); Julian Winfield, Kelly Thames, Sammie Haley 
(Missouri); Jaron Boone, Erick Strickland (Nebraska); 
Jerome Lambert, Andre Owens (Oklahoma State); Elliot 
Hatcher, Mark Young, Tyrone Davis (Kansas State); Mack 
Tuck, Martice Moore (Colorado). 


BIG SKY 


71. MONTANA STATE 6. EASTERN 
2. MONTANA WASHINGTON 


3. WEBER STATE 7. IDAHO STATE 
4. IDAHO 8. NORTHERN 
5. BOISE STATE ARIZONA 


STANDOUTS: Nico Harrison, Scott Hatler (Montana 


State); Shawn Samuelson, Chris Spoja (Montana); Jimmy 
DeGraffenried, Justyn Tebbs (Weber State); Harry Harrison, 
Nate Gardner (Idaho); Steve Shephard, Damon Archibald 
(Boise State); Melvin Lewis (Eastern Washington); Nate 
Green (Idaho State); Scott Taylor, Jerome Riley (Northern 
Arizona). 


BIG SOUTH 
"1. LIBERTY 5. NORTH CAROLINA- 
2. NORTH CAROLINA- ASHEVILLE 
GREENSBORO 6. MARYLAND- 
3. CHARLESTON BALTIMORE COUNTY 
SOUTHERN 7. WINTHROP 
4. RADFORD 8. COASTAL CAROLINA 


STANDOUTS: Peter Aluma (Liberty); Brett Larrick, TL. 

Latson (Charleston Southern); Anthony Walker, Jason Lans- 

down (Radford); William Coley, Josh Kohn (North Caroli- 

na-Asheville Tony Thompson (Maryland-Baltimore Coun- 

9); David McMahan (Winthreph; Maurice Ingram (Coastal 
rina). 


BIG TEN 
71. MICHIGAN 7. PENN STATE 
72. IOWA 8. MINNESOTA 
23. INDIANA 9. WISCONSIN 
“а. PURDUE 10. OHIO STATE 
*5. ILLINOIS. 11, NORTHWESTERN 


6. MICHIGAN STATE 

STANDOUTS: Maurice Taylor, Maceo Baston, Jerod Ward 
(Michigan); Jess Settles, Chris Kingsbury, Andre Woolridge 
(lowa); Brian Evans, Andrae Patterson, Neil Reed, Charlie 
Miller (Indiana); Porter Roberts, Roy Hairston, Brandon 
Brantley, Justin Jennings (Purdue); Kiwane Garris, Jerry 
Hester, Richard Keene (Illinois); Jamie Feick, Quinton 
Brooks (Michigan State); Dan Earl, Glenn Sekunda (Penn 
Stata); Sam Jacobson, John Thomas (Minnesota); Rick Yudt 
(Ohio State); Geno Carlisle (Northwestern). 


BIG WEST 
*l UTAH STATE 7. CALIFORNIA- 
%2. LONG BEACH STATE IRVINE 
3. NEVADA 8. CALIFORNIA STATE- 
4. UNLV FULLERTON 
5. NEW MEXICO 9. SAN JOSE STATE 
STATE 10. PACIFIC 
6. CALIFORNIA- 
SANTA BARBARA 


STANDOUTS: Eric Franson, Silas Mills (Utah State); 
James Cotton, Rasul Salahuddin (Long Beach State); Brian 
Green, Faron Hand (Nevada); Clayton Johnson, Damian 
‘Smith (UNLV; Marquis Burns, Spelling Davis (New Mexico 
State); Mark Flick, Lelan McDougal (California-Santa Bar- 
bare); Raimonds Niglinieks, Kevin Simmons (Cali 
fornia-Iruine); Chris Dade (California State-Fullerton); 
Olivier Saint Jean (San Jose State) 


COLONIAL 
*1. OLD DOMINION 5. EAST CAROLINA 
2. VIRGINIA 6. ANERICAN 


COMMONWEALTH 7. GEORGE MASON 
3. NORTH CAROLINA- 8. RICHMOND 
WILMINGTON 9. WILLIAM AND 
4. JAMES MADISON MARY 
STANDOUTS: Odell Hodge, Mario Mullen (Old Dominion); 
Bernard Hopkins, George Byrd, Sherman Hamilton (Vir- 
ginia Commonwealth); Preston McGriff, Darren Moore 
(North Carolina-Wilmington); Darren McLinton (James 
Madison); Tim Basham, Tony Parham (East Carolina); Tim 
Fudd, Darryl Franklin (American); Nate Langley, Curtis Mc- 
Cants (George Mason); Eric Poole, Jarod Stevenson (Rich- 
mond); David Cully, Carl Parker (William and Mary). 


CONFERENCE USA 
%1. MEMPHIS 7. NORTH CAROLINA, 
*2, LOUISVILLE AT CHARLOTTE 
*3, CINCINNATI 8, ST.LOUIS 
“4. TULANE 9. SOUTH FLORIDA 
*5, MARQUETTE 10. SOUTHERN 
6. ALABAMA IN MISSISSIPPI 


BIRMINGHAM 11. DEPAUL 
STANDOUTS: Lorenzen Wright, Cedric Henderson (Mem: 
phis); DeJuan Wheat, Samaki Walker (Louisville); Danny 


Fortson, Art Long (Cincinnati); Jerald Honeycutt, Rayshard 
Allen (Tulane); Roney Eford, Aaron Hutchins (Marquette); 
Carlos Williams, Anthony Thomas (Alabama in Birming: 
ham); Andre Davis, DeMarco Johnson (North Carolina at 
Charlotte); Jamal Johnson (St. Louis); Chucky Atkins 
(South Florida); Damien Smith, Kelly McCarty (Southern 
Mississippi); Bryant Bowden (DePaul). 


IVY LEAGUE 
"1. PENNSYLVANIA 5. CORNELL 
2. PRINCETON 6. YALE 
3. BROWN 7. HARVARD 
4. DARTMOUTH 8. COLUMBIA 


STANDOUTS: Ira Bowman, Tim Krug (Pennsylvania); Syd- 
ney Johnson, Chris Doyal (Princeton); Eric Blackiston, Bri- 
ап Lloyd (Brown); Sea Lonergan, Brian Gilpin (Dartmouth); 
Eddie Samuel, DeShawn Standard (Cornell); Gabe Hunter- 
ton, Ветіе Colson (Yale); Kyle Snowden (Harvard); Jim 
Tubridy, C.J. Thompkins (Columbia). 


METRO ATLANTIC 
“1. MANHATTAN 6. LOYOLA- 
2. CANISIUS BALTIMORE 
3. ST. PETER'S 7. FAIRFIELD 
4. JONA 8. NIAGARA 
5, SIENA 


STANDOUTS: Heshimu Evans, Ted Ellis, Jason Hoover 
(Manhattan) Micheal Meeks, Darrell Barley (Canisius); 
Luis Arrosa, Randy Holmes (St. Peter's); Mikkel Larsen, 
Mindaugas Timinskas (lona); Geoff Walker, Andy Thies 
(Siena); John McDonald, Mike Powell (Loyole-Baltimorey; 
Greg Francis, Shannon Bowman (Fairfield; Chris Watson 
(Niagara). 


MID-AMERICAN 
6 


“2. MIAMI TOLEDO 

2. BALL STATE 7. WESTERN 

3. EASTERN MICHIGAN 
MICHIGAN 8. KENT 

а. OHIO 9. CENTRAL MICHIGAN 


5. BOWLING GREEN 10. AKRON 
STANDOUTS: Devin Davis, Landon Hackim (Miami); Bonzi 
Wells, Marcus Norris (Ball State); Theron Wilson, Brian 
Tolbert (Eastern Michigan); Jason Terry, Curtis Simmons 
(Ohio); Antonio Daniels, Shane Komives (Bowling Green); 
Craig Thames, Casey Shaw (Toledo); Joel Burns, Ben Hand: 
logten (Western Michigan); Nate Reinking, Bill Davis 
(Kent); Thomas Kilgore, Nate Huffman (Central Michigan). 


MID-CONTINENT 


71. VALPARAISO 7. CENTRAL CON- 

2. MISSOURI МЕСТІСІЛ STATE 
KANSAS CITY 8. CHICAGO STATE 

3. YOUNGSTOWN STATE 9. TROY STATE 

4. BUFFALO 10. NORTHEASTERN 

5. WESTERN ILLINOIS | | ILLINOIS 

6. EASTERN ILLINOIS 


STANDOUTS: Bryce Drew, Chris Ensminger (Valparaiso); 
Darecko Rawlins, Chris Johnson, Rick Muller (Mi 
souri-Kensas City); Leroy King (Youngstown State); Rasaun 
Young, Mike Martinho (Buffalo); Garrick Vicks (Western 
Illinois); Johnny Hernandez, Michael Slaughter (Eastern 
Illinois); Keith Closs, Bill Lanoheim (Central Con- 
necticut State). 


MID-EASTERN 
"1. SOUTH CAROLINA 5. FLORIDA A&M 
STATE 6. MARYLAND- 


2. COPPIN STATE EASTERN SHORE 
3. NORTH CAROLINA 7. DELAWARE STATE 


ART STATE 8. HOWARD 
4. BETHUNE- 9. HAMPTON 
COOKMAN . 


STANDOUTS: Derrick Patterson, Miguel Burns (South Car- 
olina State); Reggie Welch, Terquin Matt (Coppin State); 
Byron Coast, Scientific Mapp (Florida A&M); John Woods, 
Aaron McKinney (Maryland-Eastern Shore); Chris Nurse 
(Delaware State) 


MIDWESTERN 
“1. WISCONSIN- 6. BUTLER 
GREEN BAY 7. ILLINOIS-CHICAGO 


BASKETBALL PREDICTIONS 


2. WRIGHTSTATE 8. WISCONSIN- 

3. NORTHERN ILLINOIS MILWAUKEE 

4. LOYOLA ОР CHICAGO 9. CLEVELAND STATE 

5. DETROIT 
STANDOUTS: Jeff Nordgaard, Gary Grzesk (Wis 
consin-Green Bay); Vitaly Potapenko, Rob Welch (Wright 
State); Theodis Owens, Derek Molis (Loyola of Chicago); 
Leon Derricks, Iyapo Montgomery (Detroit); Chris Miskel, 
Jon Neuhouser (Butler); Shawn Harlan, Mark Miller (ШІ- 
nois-Chicago); Shannon Smith, Mark Briggs (Wiscon- 
sin-Milwaukee); Jamal Jackson, Joe Rey (Cleveland State). 


MISSOURI VEY 
*1. TULSA EVANSVILLE 
*2. BRADLEY & CREIGHTON 
3. ILLINOIS STATE 9. SOUTHWEST 
4. DRAKE MISSOURI STATE 


5. NORTHERN IOWA 10. SOUTHERN ILLINOIS 

6. WICHITASTATE 11. INDIANA STATE 
STANDOUTS: Shea Seals, Rafael Maldonado (Tulsa); An- 
thony Parker, Deon Jackson (Bradley); Dan Muller, Maurice 
Trotter (Illinois State): Lynnrick Rogers, Kevin Bennett 
(Drake); Brian Carpenter, Jason Daisy (Northern lowa); 
Jaime Arnold (Wichita State); Chris Quinn, Brian Jackson 
(Evansville); Orlando Johnson (Creighton); Shane Hawkins 
(Southern Illinois) 


NORTH ATLANTIC 
"1. DREXEL 6. HOFSTRA 
2. BOSTON UNIVERSITY 7. DELAWARE 
3. TOWSONSTATE 8. MAINE 
а. NEW HAMPSHIRE 9. VERMONT 
5. NORTHEASTERN 10. HARTFORD 
STANDOUTS: Malik Rose, Jeff Myers (Drexel); Tunji Awo- 
Jobi, Joey Beard (Boston University); Scooter Alexander, 
Ralph Blalock (Towson State); Matt Alasa, Doug Wilson 
(New Hampshire); Rah-Shun Roberts, Lonnie Harrell 
(Northeastern); Lawrence Thomas, Seth Meyers (Hofstra); 
Greg Smith, Patrick Evans (Delaware); Casey Arena, Terry 
Hunt (Maine); Eddie Benton (Vermont). 


NORTHEAST; 

*1, RIDER ST. FRANCIS: 
2. MOUNT ST. MARY NEW YORK 
3. MONMOUTH В. ST. FRANCIS OF 
4. MARIST PENNSYLVANIA 
5. FAIRLEIGH 9. LONG ISLAND 

DICKINSON. 10. ROBERT MORRIS 
6. WAGNER 


STANOOUTS: Charles Smith, Deon Hames (Rider); Chris 
McGuthrie, Riley Inge (Mount St. Mary); John Giraldo, 
Corey Albano (Monmouth); Alan Tomicy, Danny Basile 
(Marist; Rashon Turner (Fairleigh Dickinson); Tony Rice, 
Dan Seigle (Wagner); Danny Manning (St. Francis-New 
York); Terrence Martin, Rob Wocster (St. Francis of Penn- 
sylvania); Joe Griffin, Matthew Picinic (Long Island); 
Bacari Alexander (Robert Morris) 


OHIO VALLEY 


+1. MURRAY STATE 7. MIDDLE 

2. TENNESSEE STATE TENNESSEE STATE 

3. AUSTIN PEAY B. EASTERN 

2. TENNESSEE TECH KENTUCKY 

5. MOREHEAD STATE 9. SOUTHEAST 

6. TENNESSEE- MISSOURI 
MARTIN 


STANDOUTS: Marcus Brown, Vincent Rainey [Murray 
State); Monty Wilson (Tennessee State); Charles Wells, Jer- 
‘maine Savage (Austin Peay); Lorenzo Coleman, Greg Bibb 
(Tennessee Tech); Michael Hart, DeWayne Powell (Ten: 
nessee-Martin); Tim Gaither, David Washington (Middle 
Tennessee State); DeMarkus Doss, Curtis Fincher (Eastern 
Kentucky); Jerome Days, William Eley (Southeast 
Missouri. 


PACIFIC TEN 
51. UCLA 6. ARIZONA STATE 
“2. CALIFORNIA 7. USC 
43. STANFORD В WASHINGTON 
“а. WASHINGTON 9. ORECON 
STATE 10. OREGON STATE 
*5. ARIZONA У 


STANDOUTS: Charles O'Bannon, Toby Bailey, Cameron 
Dollar (UCLA); Tremaine Fowlkes, Jelani Gartner, Shareef 
‚Abtur-Rahim (California); Brevin Knight, Dion Cross, Andy 
Poppink (Stanford); Mark Hendrickson, Isaac Fontaine 
(Washington State); Reggie Geary, Joseph Blair, Ben Davis 
(Arizona); Ron Riley, Jeremy Veal (Arizona State); Jaha 
Wilson (USC); Bryant Boston, Mark Sanford (Washington); 
Kenya Wilkins, Rob Ramaker (Oregon). 


PATRIOT 
*1. COLGATE 5. HOLY CROSS 
2. BUCKNELL 6. LEHIGH 
3. ARMY 7. LAFAYETTE 
4. NAVY 


STANDOUTS: Adonal Foyle, Tim Bellin (Colgate); Brian 
Anderson, Sekou Hemer (Bucknell); Mark Leuking, Alex 
Morris (Army); Michael Heary, Brian Walker (Navy); Ted 
Bettencourt (Holy Cross); Rashawne Glenn, Ken Widmer 
(Lehigh); Joe Marshall (Lafayette). 


SOUTHEASTERN 


EASTERN DIVISION 


*1. KENTUCKY 4. SOUTH CAROLINA 
*2. GEORGIA 5. TENNESSEE 
3. FLORIDA 6. VANDERBILT 


WESTERN DIVISION 

*l. ARKANSAS 54. LOUISIANA STATE. 

*2. MISSISSIPPI STATE 5. ALABAMA 

*3. AUBURN 6. MISSISSIPPI 
STANDOUTS: Tony Delk, Walter McCarty, Antoine Walker 
(Kentucky); Carlos Strong, Shandon Anderson (Georgia); 
Dametri Hill, Greg Williams (Florida); Melvin Watson, Lar- 
ry Davis (South Carolina); Steve Hamer (Tennessee); Frank 
Seckar, Drew Maddux (Vanderbilt); Darnell Robinson, Lee 
Wilson (Arkansas); Erick Dampier, Darryl Wilson (Missis- 
sippi State); Moochie Norris, Lance Weems (Auburn); Ron- 
nie Henderson, Randy Livingston (Louisiana State); Егіс 
Washington, Roy Rogers (Alabama); Anthony Boone, John 
Jackson (Mississippi) 


SOUTHERN 
NORTHERN DIVISION 
41. MARSHALL 4. APPALACHIAN 
2. EASTTENNESSEE STATE 
STATE 5. VIRGINIA MILITARY 
3. DAVIDSON INSTITUTE 
SOUTHERN DIVISION 
1. TENNESSEE- 3. THE CITADEL 
CHATTANOOGA 4. FURMAN 
2. GEORGIA 5. WESTERN 
SOUTHERN CAROLINA, 


STANDOUTS: Jason Williams, Keith Veney (Marshall); Phil 
Powe, Titus Shelton (East Tennessee State); Brandon 
Williams, Quinn Harwood (Davidson); John Oliver (Теп- 
nessee-Chattanooga}; Noy Castillo, Moncrief Michael (The 
Citadel); Chuck Vincent (Furman). 


SOUTHLAND 
*1. NORTHEAST 6. NICHOLLS STATE 
LOUISIANA 7. NCNEESE STATE 
2. TEXAS-SAN 8. 5АМ HOUSTON 
ANTONIO STATE 
3. TEXAS-ARLINGTON 9. SOUTHWEST TEXAS 
а. STEPHEN FAUSTIN STATE 
5. NORTH TEXAS 10. NORTHWESTERN 


STATE STATE-LOUISIANA 
STANDOUTS: Paul Marshall, John Stokes (Northeast 
Louisiana); Marlon Anderson, Cody Johnson (Texas-San 
Antonio); Brian Myers, Shon Johnson (Texas-Arlingion); 
Kenderick Franklin (Nicholls State); Pointer Williams, Don- 
ald Fisher (McNeese State); Derick Preston, Mike Dillard 
(Sam Houston State); Delwyn Jackson, Elijah Hcbley 
(Southwest Texas State) 


SOUTHWEST 
*1. TEXAS TECH 6. BAYLOR 
*2. TEXAS 7. TEXAS A&M 
3. TEXAS CHRISTIAN 8. SOUTHERN 
4. HOUSTON NETHOOIST 
5. RICE 


STANDOUTS: Jason Sasser, Darvin Ham (Texas Tech); Reg- 
gie Freeman, Kris Clack (Texas); Juan Bragg (Texas Chris- 


tian); Tim Moore, Kirk Ford (Heuston); Shaun Igo, Jesse 
Cravens, Tommy McGhee (Rice); Brian Skinner, Ken Clyde 
(Baylor; Kyle Kessel (Texas A&M); Troy Mathews, Jemeil 
Rich (Southern Methodist. 


SOUTHWESTERN 
+1. TEXAS SOUTHERN 4. ALABAMA STATE 
2. SOUTHERN- 5. JACKSON STATE 
BATON ROUGE 6. GRAMBLING STATE 
3. MISSISSIPPI 7. ALCORN STATE 
VALLEY STATE 8. PRAIRIE VIEW A&M 


STANDOUTS: Kevin Granger, Randy Bolden (Texas South- 
ern); Marcus Mann (Mississippi Valley State); Jimmy 
Lunsford (Alabama State); Trent Pulliam, Rod Taylor, Titus 
Hooten (Jackson State); Michael Tardy, Claude Coleman 
(Grambling State). 


SUN BELT 
71. WESTERN 6. LOUISIANA TECH 
KENTUCKY 7. SOUTHWESTERN 
2. ARKANSAS. LOUISIANA 
LITTLE ROCK 8. ARKANSAS STATE 


3. NEW ORLEANS 9. SOUTH ALABAMA 
4. JACKSONVILLE 10. LAMAR 
5. TEXAS-PAN 

AMERICAN 
STANDOUTS: Chris Robinson (Western Kentucky); Malik 
Dixon, Derek Fisher (Arkansas-Little Rock); Tyrone Garris, 
Jermaine Spivey (New Orleans); Artemus McClary, Jerome 
Malloy (Jackscnville); Terrance Fitzpatrick (Texas-Pan 
American); Micah Marsh (Arkansas State 


TRANS AMERICA 
*1. STETSON 7. SOUTHEASTERN 
2. SAMFORD LOUISIANA. 
3. CHARLESTON 8. MERCER 
4. GEORGIA STATE 9. FLORIOA 
5. CENTENARY INTERNATIONAL 
6. CAMPBELL 10. CENTRAL FLORIDA 


11. FLORIDA ATLANTIC 
STANDOUTS: Kerry Blackshear, Jason Alexander (Stet- 
son); Joey Davenport, Jonathan Pixley (Samford); Terrence 
Brandon, Rodney Hamilton (Georgia State); Aljay Foreman, 
Anthony Stephens (Centenary); Scott Neely (Campbell); 
Sam Bowie, Jason Winringham (Southeastern Louisiana); 
Scott Farley, Ledon Green (Mercer). 


WEST COAST 
*1. SANTA CLARA 5. SAN FRANCISCO 
2. ST MARY'S & PORTLAND 
3. LOYOLA 7. SAN DIEGO 
MARYMOUNT 8. PEPPERDINE 
4. GONZACA 


STANDOUTS: Steve Nash, Marlon Garnett (Santa Clara); 
Jumoke Horton, A... Rollins, Kamran Sufi (St. Mary's); Ime 
Oduok, Mike O'Quinn (Loyola Marymount); Kyle Dixon, Jon 
Kinloch (Gonzaga); Gerald Walker, John Duggan (San Fran- 
cisco); Lemont Daniels (Portland); Sean Flannery (Sar. 
Diego); Gerald Brawn (Pepperdine). 


WESTERN ATHLETIC 


"1. UTAH 6 NEW MEXICO 
2. FRESNO STATE 7. TEXAS-EL PASO 
3. BRIGHAM YOUNG 8. HAWAII 

а. COLORADO STATE 9. WYOMING 

5. SANDIEGO STATE 10. AIR FORCE 


STANCOUTS: Keith Van Horn, Brandon Jessie (Utah); Dar- 
nell McCulloch, Terrance Roberson (Fresno State); Kenneth 
Roberts, Bryon Ruffner (Brigham Young); David Evans, Joe 
Vogel (Colorado State); Kareem Anderson, Shomaric 
Richard (San Diego State); Charles Smith, Kenny Thomas 
(New Mexico); Mark Ingles, Kevin Beal (Texas-El Paso); Tes 
Whitlock (Hawaii); LaDrell Whitehead, H.L. Coleman 
(Wyoming); Maurice Anderson (Air Force). 


INDEPENDENTS 


1. ORAL ROBERTS 2. WOFFORD 
‘STANDOUTS: Tim Gill, Clifford Crenshaw (Oral Roberts) 


“Ош predictions 10 make the NCAA tourrament. 


173 


PLAYBOY 


174 


year. Robinson will also enjoy working 
with 611” frontcourt players Rafael Mal- 
donado and Ray Poindexter. Tulsa will 
get stiff competition from Bradley, a 20- 
game winner last year that has all five of 
its starters returning. Coach Jim Moli- 
nari likes his team's experience and bal- 
ance, along with the three-point shoot- 
ing of Aaron Zobrist. Illinois State must 
replace point guard David Cason, who 
led the conference in assists each of the 
past two seasons. Sophomore Jamar 
Smiley gets the call from second-year 
coach Kevin Stallings, who coaxed 20 
wins from the Redbirds last year. Keep 
an eye on Drake’s Lynnrick Rogers. The 
flashy junior guard averaged 18.1 points 
per game last season. 


PACIFIC TEN 


The Pac Ten was the nation’s toughest 
conference last year: lt produced na- 


tional champ UCLA, put five teams into 
the NCAA tournament (combined 9-4 
record) and beat up on top 25 non- 
league competition (14-3). The Bruins 
may have lost too much—including na- 
tional player of the year Ed O'Bannon 
and guard Tyus Edney to graduation 
and the NBA—to go back-to-back, but 
they are still brimming with talent. Now 
it's time for Ed's younger brother, 
Charles, a Playboy All-America, to step 
into the limelight. Toby Bailey, who 
sparkled as a freshman in the Bruins’ 
championship drive, must now lead in- 
stead of complement. Coach Jim Har- 
rick needs strong play from sophomore 
center omm'A Givens апа 67110” fresh- 
man recruit Jelani McCoy. California is 
ready to jell under third-year coach 
Todd Bozeman. Tremaine Fowlkes and 
Jelani Gardner are double-digit scorers. 
Bozeman scored a recruiting coup by 


“Carol singers? Carol singers?” 


signing 69” freshman forward Shareef 
Abdur-Rahim, rated one of the top five 
prospects in the nation. Two less herald- 
ed teams, Stanford and Washington 
State, could surprise. The Cardinal has 
one of the best backcourts in the nation 
in Dion Gross (16.8 ppg) and Brevin 
Knight (16.6 ppg). Seven foot one Tim 
Young will improve on a promising 
freshman season. Starting forwards 
Andy Poppink and Darren Allaway also 
return. Washington State returns all five 
starters. Guard Isaac Fontaine (18.5 
ppg) is the Рас Тегі top returning scor- 
er, while 69” Mark Hendrickson hits the 
boards and the three-pointer. Perennial 
conference power Arizona must settle 
on replacements for guard Damon Stou- 
damire, last season's conference scoring 
leader, and all-conference forward Ray 
Owes. Senior guard Reggie Geary and 
forward Ben Davis, a juco transfer who 
got off to a slow start last season, are key 
to the Wildcats’ conference-title hopes. 
Mario Bennett bailed from Arizona 
State to try the NBA, and the improving 
Ron Riley attempts to fill the hole. The 
Sun Devils will be forced to play without 
a true center. Charlie Parker, who served 
as interim head coach at USC last year 
after George Raveling retired, has lost 
the “interim” in his title. Jaha Wilson, 
the conference's leading rebounder last 
year, and 6/11" Avondre Jones, who sat 
out a year in junior college, should make 
the Trojans a formidable force on the 
boards. 


SOUTHEASTERN 
Eastern Division 

Basketball pop quiz: What do you get 
when you combine a roster full of phe- 
nomenally talented players with one of 
the best coaches in college basketball? 
Answer: the Kentucky Wildcats, our 
pick for this season's national champion. 
Rick Pitino has the best cast of his six- 
year stint in Lexington, a tenure that has 
already yielded a 150-43 record. The 
talent is so deep that Pitino actually con- 
sidered putting together a junior varsity 
team of players from the far end of his 
bench. The problem was finding anyone 
who could give them a game. То list the 
stars of the Wildcats, start with guard 
Tony Delk (16.7 ppg) and quickly add 
the names of guards Derek Anderson 
and Jeff Sheppard, forwards Antoine 
Walker and Walter McCarty and 610” 
center Mark Pope. As if this embarrass- 
ment of riches weren't enough, Pitino 
added recruits Ron Mercer, the Nai- 
smith Award winner as the top high 
school player in the nation last year, and 
6'7” point guard Wayne Turner. One of 
last season's stars, Rodrick Rhodes, dis- 
covered the depth of Kentucky’s talent 
when he attempted to return to the 
Wildcats after toying with the NBA 
draft, only to discover that his spot 
on the roster had been filled. Rhodes 
subsequently transferred to Southern 


Cal. Good depth at the point, substantial 
talent in the paint, Pitino's full-court 
pressure defense and a ten-man rotation 
make the Wildcats this year's team to 
beat. You would think that an 18-win 
season in his 17th year as coach would be 
enough to keep Hugh Durham in his job 
at Georgia. However, the winds of 


change have blown Durham out and for- | | 3 


REST OF THE BEST 


euaros: Steve Nash (Santa Clara), De- 
Juan Wheat (Louisville), Randy Living- 
ston (LSU), Harold Deane (Virginia), Fe- 
lipe Lopez (St. John's), Shea Seals 
(Tulsa), Tony Delk (Kentucky), Johnny 
Rhodes (Maryland), Toby Bailey 
(UCLA), Jerod Haose (Kansos), Dion. 
Cross (Slanford), Drew Borry (Georgia 
Tech), James Collins (Florida State), 
Ron Riley (Arizona State), Jaron Boane 
(Nebraska), Brandon Jessie (Utah), 
Chucky Atkins (South Florido), Kiwane 
Garris (Illinois), Marcus Brown (Murray 
Stote), Darryl Wilson (Mississippi 
State), Kwame Evans (George Wash- 
ington), Kerry Blackshear (Stetson), 
Chris Kingsbury (lowa), Isaac Fontaine 
(Washington State), Anthony Parker 
(Bradley), Moachie Norris (Auburn). 
FORWARDS: Raef LaFrentz (Kansas), Wal- 
ter McCarty (Kentucky), Othella Harring- 
ton (Georgetown), Tremaine Fowikes 
(California), Danny Fortson (Сіпсіп- 
nali), Jess Settles (lowa), Mark Hen- 
drickson (Washington State), Exree 
Hipp (Maryland), John Wallace (Syra- 
cuse), Somoki Walker (Louisville), 
Danya Abrams (Boston College), Jerald 
Honeycuft (Tulane), Jason Sasser 
(Texas Tech), Jeff Nordgaard (Wiscon- 
sin-Green Bay), Ace Custis (Virginia 
Tech), Tim Moore (Houston), Brian 
Evans (Indiana), Maurice Taylor (Michi- 
дап), Tunji Awojobi (Boston U.), Eric 
Fronson (Utah State). 

centers: Lorenzen Wright (Memphis), 
Jason Lawson (Villanova), Travis 
Knight (Connecticut), Adonal Foyle 
(Colgate), Amal McCaskill (Marquette), 
Todd Fuller (North Carolina State), Vitaly 
Potapenko (Wright State), Brian Skinner 
(Baylor), Odell Hodge (Old Dominion), 
Mikkel Larsen (lona), Keith Closs 
(Central Connecticut State), Steve 
Hamer (Tennessee), Zendon Hamil- 
ton (St. John's), Alexander Kaul 
(George Washington). 


mer Tulsa coach Tubby Smith in as the 
Georgia faithful cry for something more 
substantial than an NIT invitation. 
Smith inherits solid talent, led by 687 
forward Carlos Strong and three other 
returning starters. Terrell Bell replaces 
Charles Claxton at center. Smith. will 
make the Bulldogs run because that's his 


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PILSAZITIRIOEN 


176 


style and because he needs to cover 
Georgia's lack of strength inside. We pre- 
dicted that Florida would have a difficult 
time putting Cinderella seasons back-to- 
back, and in this instance, at least, we 
were right. The Gators stumbled to 
17-13 and a firstround NCAA loss to 
Iowa State after their Final Four appear- 
ance in 1994. Coach Lon Kruger still has 
Dametri “Da Meat Hook” Hill inside, 
but team leaders Dan Cross and An- 
drew DeClercq have graduated. 
Freshman point guard Eddie Shannon 
must fulfill his promise quickly if the 
Gators hope to contend. At South Car- 
olina, coach Eddie Fogler also needs 
quick results from guard B.J. McKie and 
670” center Leonard Johnson, both 
highly touted recruits. Coach Kevin 
O'Neill calls his Tennessee team a work 
in progress as he enters his second sea- 
son. Seven freshmen join four returning 
starters, the best of whom is center Steve 
Hamer (15 ppg). Vanderbilt rebuilds af- 
ter the graduation of its leading scorer 
(Ronnie McMahan), rebounder (Bryan 
Milburn) and shot blocker (Chris 
Woods). Guard Frank Seckar is the 
Commodores’ best player. 


Western Division 
The most surprising thing about 
Arkansas last year was not that the Ra- 
zorbacks failed to repeat as national 
champs after returning the bulk of the 
1994 team. It was that they got to that 
final game in Seattle at all. Despite 


Corliss Williamson, Scotty Thurman, 
Corey Beck and a fine supporting cast, 
despite 32 wins and despite a run in the 
tournament that got the Hogs to anoth- 
er championship game, Arkansas never 
quite got in synch, losing to teams it 
shouldn't have lost to, sometimes on its 
home floor. Now all the familiar names 
are gone—Thurman and Williamson a 
year early—and coach Nolan Richard- 
son has to rebuild. But he won't be with- 
out tools, Back are Darnell Robinson 
and Lee Wilson, who contributed regu- 
larly off the bench last year. Richardson 
has a stellar recruiting class that includes 
junior college talents Jesse Pate and 
Antwon Hail, and he will replace his de- 
parted marquee talent with hard work 
and plenty of pressure defense. Missis- 
sippi State hopes to repeat last year's 
success. The Bulldogs finished in a West- 
ern Division tie with Arkansas at 12-4 
and got to the third round of the Big 
Dance before losing to eventual champ 
UCLA. Three starters from that team 
are gone, but Playboy All-America Erick 
Dampier, one of the most physically im- 
pressive and rapidly improving players 
in the nation, returns along with sharp- 
shooting guard Darryl Wilson. Coach 
Richard Williams thinks juco transfer 
Dontaé Jones has NBA potential. Coach 
Cliff Ellis managed to change Auburn's 
hoops atmosphere for the better in his 
first season. The Tigers finished a sur- 
prising 16-13 and return all five starters. 
The addition of freshman Derek Cald- 


“You don’t know how lonely it can be living in the 
middle of nowhere with a wife who doesn't understand 


you and a bunch of boring elves.” 


well, cousin of Chuck and Wesley Per- 
son, and Enoch Davis, the second lead- 
ing junior college scorer last year (32.1 
ppg), can't hurt. Louisiana State coach 
Dale Brown has the best pair of guards 
in college ball if he can get them on the 
floor at the same time. For the second 
year in a row, Randy Livingston, one of 


COLES ALL NAME TEAM 


Players 


Sclentific Mapp 
Florida A&M 


Shammgod Wells 
Providence 


Boubacar Aw 


Georgetown 


Duany Duany 
Wisconsin 


Velvious Goodloe 
Middle Tennessee State 


Coach 


Dickey Nutt 
Arkansas State 


the country's great backcourt talents, 
suffered a season-ending injury. Liv- 
ingston should return this year. Whether 
he can regain top form is still a question. 
There is an answer at the other guard 
spot in Playboy All-America Ronnie 
Henderson, the SEC’s leading scorer last 
season (23.3 ppg). Big Misha Mutardzic 
(611^) plays the post, but Brown's 
‘Tigers don't appear to have enough tal- 
ent up front. With Antonio McDyess’ de- 
parture to the NBA after his sophomore 
season and the graduation of the re- 
mainder of its skilled inside players, tra- 
ditionally muscle-bound Alabama will 
shift the emphasis to running and 
perimeter shooting. 


SOUTHWEST 


This conference is headed for the 
scrap heap next season, but the member 
teams won't go without a fight. Texas 
Tech, which lost the conference tourney 
championship іп O.T. to Texas, is the 
most improved, Forward Jason Sasser 
(20.1 ppg) returns along with two other 
starters, and coach James Dickey has 
landed Texas high school player of the 
year Stanley Bonewitz, Texas coach Tom 
Penders may have lost four starters from 
last season's 23-win team, but he thinks 
his recruiting class is the best in his seven 
years in Austin: “This class will enable и 
to go into the Big Twelve running.” 
Freshman guards Kris Clack and Titus 
Warmsley have a chance to start. Billy 
Tubbs turned things around in his 
first year as coach at Texas Christian, 
The Horned Frogs, 7-20 the previous 


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PLAYBOY 


season, led the nation in scoring (93.7 
ppg) and finished a respectable 16-11. 
‘Tubbs loses Southwest player of the year 
Kurt Thomas but gets back shooting 
guard Juan Bragg (15.6 ppg). Houston 
can challenge if junior college transfer 
Lonzell Gowdy does the job at point. 
Tim Moore (20.1 ppg) is coach Alvin 
Brooks’ go-to man. Rice returns four 
starters, three of whom are underclass- 
men. Watch out for the Owls next season 
when transfers Bobby Crawford (Michi- 
gan) and Jarvis Kelly (Arizona) become 
eligible. 
WEST COAST 

The train came off the tracks for San- 
ta Clara last season after a sparkling 
21-4 start that had the Broncos on the 
verge of cracking the top 25. They lost 
their final regular-season conference 
game and then were unceremoniously 
dumped by eighth-seed Loyola Mary- 
mount in the WCC tournament. The 
Broncos still managed a ticket to the Big 
Dance but couldn't get by Mississippi 
State in the first round. Coach Dick Da- 
уеу team has a chance to learn from its 


COLES 
ALLNICKNAME TEAM 


Players 


Raymond "Circus King 
Son Diego State 


Dametri “Da Meat Hook” Hill 
Florida 


Tim “Elmer” Fudd 
American 
Roderick "Moo Moo” Blakney 
South Carolina State 


Robert “Tractor” Traylor 
Michigan 


Тілде “Thunder” Abdul Owolya 
Nicholis State 


Coach 
Ron “Fang” Mitchell 
Coppin State 


mistakes as all five starters return, in- 
cluding guard Steve Nash (20.9 ppg). 
Santa Clara will win the WCC and be a 
more formidable threat in the NCAA 
tournament this time around. Saint 
Mary's returns four starters from last 
season's 18-win squad. The Gaels lack a 
superstar but can rely on team balance 
and strong rebounding. Loyola Mary- 
mount center Ime Oduok, a 68” 250- 
pounder from Nigeria who has played 
basketball for only five years, is getting a 


178 long look from pro scouts. Gonzaga, 


which came from nowhere to win the 
conference tournament last year, will 
have to do without deadeye shooting 
guard John Rillie, who graduated. With 
the loss of its two leading scorers and 
rebounders, Portland has to rebuild 
after enjoying its first winning season in 
13 years. 


WESTERN ATHLETIC 


Utah's Rick Majerus lost no time in 
molding a gawky bunch of sophomores 
into a winning team last season. The 
Utes opened with a Maui Invitational 
win over Indiana and never looked back 
during a 28-win season that brought 
both the WAG regular-season and tour- 
nament crowns. Led by Majerus, 
Playboy All-America Keith Van Horn 
and 65” guard Brandon Jessie, Utah 
looks like a lock to repeat. Controversial 
Jerry Tarkanian makes his return to col- 
lege basketball ar alma mater Fresno 
State. Chewing his way through towels, 
the opposition and battles with the 
NCAA, Tarkanian promises to install the 
same run-and-gun style that brought 
UNLV fame, fortune and an NCAA 
championship. The announcement of 
Tarkanian's hiring sent college coaches 
scurrying to make certain they hadn't 
lost their high-profile recruits. Tarkan- 
jan is a legendary recruiter, especially on 
the playgrounds. He scored a late-ar- 
rival coup by signing 68” Terrance 
Roberson and juco transfer Kendric 
Brooks. Tarkanian will have the Bull- 
dogs running faster and jumping higher 
than ever before. Colorado State returns 
all five starters, including agile guard 
David Evans and 6710” center Joe Vo- 
gel. San Diego State second-year coach 
Frank Trenkle landed a strong recruit- 
ing class led by guards Shomario Rich- 
ard and Raymond “Circus” King. Two 
of BYU’s frontline players, 610” Bret 
Jepsen and point guard Robbie Reid, 
shipped out on two-year Mormon mis- 
sions. Coach Roger Reid has another 
son, Randy, to plug in at point but no big 
man to fill in for Jepsen. 

OTHERS 

Here's a fast-break look at the remain- 
der of the conferences. AMERICAN WEST: 
Southern Utah will be likely to repeat in 
this diminutive conference because of 
guard Reggie Ingram. The Thunder- 
birds were the top three-point-shooting 
team in Division IA last season. BIG SKY: 
Montana State, Montana and Weber 
State, all 21-game winners last season, 
should again battle for the conference 
crown this year. Give the nod to Mon- 
tana State because of four returning 
starters, good team balance and the ad- 
dition of a couple of strong junior col- 
lege players. nic sourH: Liberty, North 
Carolina-Greensboro and Charleston 
Southern are the teams to beat. Liberty 
may have the inside edge because of re- 
turning center Peter Aluma (15.7 ppg) 


and the fact that it hosts the conference 
tournament. METRO ATLANTIC: Manhat- 
tan would love to repeat last season's 
success, when it won 26 games, gained 
the first at-large bid for the conference 
and knocked off Oklahoma in the first 
round of the NCAA tournament. Coach 
Fran Fraschilla returns four starters, in- 
cluding emerging star Heshimu Evans. 
MID-CONTINENT: Valparaiso is a likely re- 
peat champion with 6710” Chris Ens- 
minger, a force on the boards, and three- 


TOP TEN FRESHMEN 


Guards Ron Mercer 
Stephon Marbury Kentucky 
‚Georgia Tech Poul Pierce 
Wayne Tumer Konsas 
Kentucky Som Okey 
Vince Carter Wisconsin 
North Carolino Centers 
Shommgod Wells Jelani McCoy 
Providence UCLA 
Forwards Robert Traylor 


Shareef AbdurRohim Michigan 
California 


point ace Bryce Drew returning from 
last season. Missouri-Kansas City suf- 
fered so many injuries last season that 
coach Lee Hunt threatened to take 
an ambulance on the road. Rick Muller 
and Travis Salmon, both medical red- 
shirts, return, as does leading scorer 
Darecko Rawlins. Youngstown State, 
which had its first winning season in 
nine years, is strong enough to stay on 
the right side of .500. MID-EASTERN: South 
Carolina State is ready for a turn at 
the top of the MEAC. The Bulldogs re- 
turn all five starters and add Roderick 
Blakney, who was a Proposition 48 casu- 
alty last year. Coppin State and North 
Carolina A&T will provide the stiffest 
competition. NORTH ATLA Two-time 
conference champion Drexel returns 
four starters, including conference play- 
er of the year Malik Rose. The Dragons 
will be challenged by Boston University, 
which adds Duke transfer Joey Beard to 
a quartet of returning starters that in- 
cludes 6/7" junior forward Tunji Awojobi 
(19.8 ppg). NORTHEAST: The return of 
forward-guard combo Charles Smith 
(19.8 ppg) and Deon Hames (16.7 ppg) 
figures to give Rider enough firepower 
to unseat Mount St. Mary, last season's 
conference tourney champ. OHIO VALLEY: 
Murray State will edge Tennessee State 
behind the point production of guard 
Marcus Brown (22.4 ppg) and forward 
Vincent Rainey (18.8 ppg). Austin 
Peay’s Charles “Bubba” Wells, who en- 
joyed a sensational sophomore season 
last year (193 ppg). is reportedly healthy 


after suffering a stress fracture in his 
right leg in the OVC championship 
game. PATRIOT: It will be a battle between 
budding superstar (Colgate’s Adonal 
Foyle) and team balance (Bucknell’s five 
returning starters). Foyle played up to 
expectations in his rookie season last 
year by averaging 17 points per game, 
leading the league in rebounding (12.4 
rpg) and recording an amazing 147 
blocked shots. Only Shawn Bradley and 
Alonzo Mourning blocked more shots as 
freshmen. soUTHERN: Tennessee-Chat- 
tanooga will be gunning for its fourth 
consecutive bid to the NCAA tourna- 
ment, but coach Mack McCarthy will 
have to find replacements for all-confer- 
ence forwards Brandon Born and Mario 


Hanson. Marshall coach Billy Donovan > 


(the same Billy Donovan who hit all 
those three-pointers at Providence for 
Rick Pitino) will put a strong team on the 
floor despite losing five starters from his 
debut-season squad of last year. Georgia 
Southern brought over former Alabama 
assistant Gregg Polinsky as head coach 
when Frank Kerns resigned after charges 
of academic fraud were brought in No- 
vember 1994. SOUTHLAND: Two junior 
college transfers, John Stokes and An- 
thony Cook, should boost Northeast 
апа to the top of the Southland 
standings. Texas-San Antonio returns 
four starters and welcomes new coach 
Tim Carter. The most improved team 
in the Southland conference may be 
Texas-Arlington. The Mavericks, who 
won only ten games last season, added 
four strong juco players, induding Shon 
Johnson, who ayeraged 27.3 points per 
game. SOUTHWESTERN: Texas Southern 
will use the outside scoring touch of 
guard Kevin Granger (19.7 ppg) and the 
size of sophomore center Thomas Dodd 
(6107) to successfully defend ¡ts confer- 
ence championship against challengers 
Mississippi Valley State and Alaba- 
ma State. The addition of Trent Pul- 
Шат, who averaged 25 points and 17 re- 
bounds per game in high school, should 
pull Jackson State into contention as 
well. sun BELT: Western Kentucky will at- 
tempt to repeat as champ but will be 
challenged by a revived Arkansas-Little 
Rock under second-year coach Wimp 
Sanderson. At New Orleans, Tic Price 
posted the best record (20-11) of any 
first-year Division 1 coach. The one-two 
punch of Artemus McClary (20.5 ppg) 
and Jerome Malloy (14.3 ppg) should 
give Jacksonville an opportunity to chal- 
lenge as well. TRANS AMERICA: Samford 
and Stetson may manage to interfere 
with Charleston's plans to chew up the 
TAAC again this season. Guard Joey 
Davenport is the most important cog in 
Samford’s wheel of hoops fortune. Stet- 
son’s Kerry Blackshear will break his. 
school's all-time scoring record. Charles- 
коп biggest gun is Thaddeous Delaney. 


ном 


STYLE 

Page 22: "Getting Down": 
Vests: By Ralph Lauren, at 
Polo Ralph Lauren, 212- 
606-2100. By Nautica, at 
Nautica, 212-496-0933. By 
Killy Excel, 800-407-2350. 
By DKNY, 800-231-0884. 
By Austyn Zung, 800-866- 
6989. “Getting Fleeced": 
Pullovers: By Columbia 
Sportswear, 800-622-6953. 
By M.N.W. Wardrobe, 212- 
302-1414. By Verso, at 
American Rag, Los Angeles, 213-935- 
3154, and San Francisco, 415-441-0537. 
By Tommy Hilfiger, at Bloomingdale's, 212- 
705-2000, Lord & Taylor, 212-391-3344 
and Macy's, 212-695-4400. By New Boxer, 
at Detour, 212-979-6315. "Palm Springs”: 
Events: Chamber of Commerce, 619-325- 
1577. Dillon's, 619-317-6449. Sports Fever, 
619-340-0252. Estate Sale, 619-321-7698. 
Spectacular Shades, 619-568-4500. "Clothes. 
Line": Fragrances by Jil Sander, at Mar- 
shall Field's, Dayton's and Hudson's. "The 
Boost": Shampoo: Phytovolume, 800-648- 
0349. Nexxus, 800-444-6399. Nexxus Diame- 
tress, Garden Botanika, 800-968-7842. Vi- 
vagen, 800-733-5368. Charles Booth, at 
LaCoupe Salon, 212-371-9280. 


WIRED 

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Technologies, 415-332-0433. VCRs by Pana- 
sonic, 201-848-9090. TVs: By Sharp, 800- 
237-4277. By Hitachi, 800-448-2244. By 
RCA, 800-336-1900. By Sony, 800-222- 
7669. Speakers by Labtec, 360-896-2000. 
PC by Compaq, 800-231-0900. Audio: By 
Kenwood, 800-536-9663. By Nakamichi, 
800-421-2313. By Nureality, 800-501-8086. 
Computer by Packard Bell, 800-733-5858. 
Radar detectors: By Escort, 800-433-3487. 
By Cobra, 800-262-7222. By Bel-Tionics, 
905-828-1002. By Whistler, 800-531-0004. 
By Uniden, 800-297-1023. By Sanyo Tecni- 
ca, 800-528-0116. Remote by Sony, 800- 
222-7669. CD by TDK, 800-835-8273. Cal- 
culator by Seiko, 800-873-4508. 


THE PLAYBOY LOOK 

Pages 86-87: Suit, shirt and tie from Polo 
by Ralph Lauren, 212-606-2100. Oxfords 
by Polo by Ralph Lauren Footwear, at select 
Polo Ralph Lauren stores. Pocket square 


то 


BUY 


by Tino Cosma, at Tino Cos- 
ma, 212-246-4005. Brief- 
case by Dunhill, 800-776- 
4053. Suit by Canali, at 
Bloomingdale's and Bar- 
neys New York. Shirt and 
tie by Sulka, at Sulka. Tie by 
Robert Talbott, at Nordstrom. 
Suit and shirt by Richard 
Tjler, at Neiman Marcus. 
Page 88: Tie by Sulka, at 
Sulka. Suit and vest by Ar- 
mani, at Neiman Marcus. 
Shirt, tieand pocket square 
by Robert Talbott, 212-751-1200. Oxfords 
by J.M. Héston, at J-M. Weston, 212-308- 
5655. Page 89: Suit by Richard Tyler, at 
Neiman Marcus. Shirt by Dunhill, 800- 
776-4053. Tie from Polo by Ralph Lauren, 
at Polo Ralph Lauren, NYC, 212-606- 
2100, and Beverly Hills, 310-281-7200. 
Glasses by Paul Smith, at Oliver Peoples 
Opticians, 310-657-2553. Page 90: Suit by 
Armani, at Neiman Marcus. Shirt by 
Canali, at Bloomingdale's and Barneys 
New York. Tie by Robert Talbott Best of Class, 
at Nordstrom. Page 91: Suit by Sulka, at 
Sulka. Shirt by Dunhill, 800-776-4053. Tie 
by Best of Class by Robert Talbott, ar Robert 
Talbott, 212-751-1200. Shoes Бу J-M. Més- 
ton, at J.M. Weston, 212-308-5655. Top- 
coat by Canali, at Bloomingdale's and Bar- 
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ALICE 
Page 120: Book: White Stains from Delec- 
tus Books, London, 011-44-181-963-0979. 


ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA 

Page 123: Driver by Wilson, 800-469-4576. 
Personal stereo by Panasonic, 201-348- 
9090. Hiking boots by Salomon, 800-225- 
6850. Page 124: Cameorder by RCA, 800- 
336-1900. Digital video camera by 
Connectix, 800-950-5880. Page 125: TV by 
Goldstar, 800-243-0000. Coach bag from 
J. Peterman Co., 800-231-7341. Shown in 
the pocket of the bag is a passport and 
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ON THE SCENE 
Page 197: Cameras: By Samsung, 800-762- 
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> 


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180 


BAYWATCH WORLD (continued fom page 81) 


The “Baywatch” song may be the world's best-known 
piece of music. What is this global anthem telling us? 


which is taken from the Baywatch Official 
Writers’ Bible. 


© beat-off: an untrustworthy lifeguard 

e bud: one of the guys 

© buffasorus: one who is in shape and 
looking good 

* cruiser: a pickup artist, usually male 

e dirt bag: bum 

© fluff and buff: to shave, shower and 
Есі ready 

etowelside manner: the attitude and 
rapport that a male lifeguard has with 
the public in general, but especially with 
women bathers 

e workout: a psychophysical break from 
the stressfulness of watching the water 


"The Baywatch Song 


The opening song of Baywatch, I’m Al- 
ways Here, by Joe Henry and Jim Jami- 
son, is probably one of the best-known 
Pieces of music in the world. So we felt it 
was time to find its hidden meanings. 
What is this global anthem telling us? 
The answers may surprise you. 


Some people stand in the darkness 

Afraid to step into the light." 

Some people need to help somebody 

When the edge of surrender is in sight.* 

Don't you” worry, it's going lo be all 
right. 

"Cause In* always there, 

I won't let you out of my сірі? 

PU be there" —never you feat 

TU be there—forever and always? 

I'm always here." 

"Cause I'm always there, 

1 won't let you out of my sight. 

TU be there—never you fear 

T'U be there—forever and always 

Tm always here? 


1. Note the initial dualism of “darkness” 
and “light,” which are also the final 
words of each line in the couplet. Be- 
cause “darkness” closes оп a nonempha- 
sized syllable (the female ending) and 
“light” causes the second line to end ona 
hard syllable (the male ending), we read 
this as a journey made by a child from 
his mother to his father. Also note that 
people “stand” in the darkness rather 


“Vell, hi there! Aren't we auld acquaintances?” 


than “lie down,” “stretch,” “squat” or 
“run like hell.” 

2. With “some people need to help 
somebody,” the lyrics may suggest a 
reflective process in which self-discovery 
is accomplished only when we recognize 
that we are both victim and savior, both 
giver and taker. This life-affirming 
thought is followed by the ominous 
“edge of surrender,” with its image of 
bladed weapons. Because surrender has 
this edge, this cutting element, a sense of 
dread may pervade the casual listener, 
who, on making this connection, may 
despair prematurely. 

3. In their shift from “somebody” to 
“you,” the authors change course with 
decisive power. They have lured us into 
their trap, lulling us with a false promise 
that the song will be about hypothetical 
people, when in fact they speak directly 
to us, to our deepest inner fears, promis- 
ing that “it’s going to be all right.” “It” 
probably refers to the sharpened edge of 
surrender, as discussed previously. 

4. This first use of the first-person singu- 
lar “I” is revealing. The authors have 
progressed from “somebody” to “you” to 
“I,” weaving their way from the alien to 
the self. They indicate the wholeness of 
their vision, the acceptance of the uni- 
verse, indeed, of “somebody.” 

5. The authors return to “sight,” re- 
forming it with new meaning. In line 
four, we “sight” the edge of surrender, 
and the vision is horrifying, while in line 
seven the “sight” is comforting, saving 
and loving. The singer will not let us out 
of his sight, and this suggests parental 
protection. Because “sight” forms a male 
ending, we assume it to refer to a father 
figure. 

6. This may be deliberately vague. 
Where is “there”? What sort of promise 
is the singer making? But here we dis- 
cover the underlying beauty of the song. 
By refusing to specify location, by simply 
promising to be “there,” we receive the 
most all-encompassing, unconditional 
love any being can provide. 

7. Now the promise is expanded to “for- 
ever and always,” and we begin to see 
the true meaning of the song. Only one 
entity can be there forever. The song, 
which seemed at the beginning to be an 
innocuous ditty about lifeguards, is 
dearly about God. 

8. At this point the singer pauses, and 
the song digresses into a poor man's 
Bruce Hornsby piano solo. 

9. This shift from “there” to “here” is 
analogous to the change from “some- 
body” to “you” in the opening stanza. 
Instead of picturing a far-off place where 
our savior will be, he is right “here,” 
probably in our hearts and minds. For a 
seemingly nonreligious show, this is a 
powerful piece of proselytizing with 
which to open every episode. 


Dennis Rodman nina from page 102) 


Dre: 


sing in drag, hanging out in gay bars, he discov- 


ered that while sex sells, unorthodox sex sells better. 


and nose ring glistening. 

“Maybe I ought to go out with this 
guy,” Stacy said to herself. 

Now they have the idcal relationship: 
a few weeks together, a few weeks apart, 
free to go their own ways, with only one 
irondad restriction. 

“Aw, yeah, long as we don't go out and 
fuck somebody else,” says Rodman. 

In a world of star-chasing women, 
Dennis Rodman practices monogamy. 

“We can actually do it, but the deal is, 
it’s gotta be a mind-fuck-type deal,” he 
says. “Other than that, you can't get it 
on, brother. No physica” 

“Мо physical connection with anyone 
else," Stacy interrupts. Rodman holds 
out his palms, such faithful road com- 
panions he's named them Monique and 
Judy. "Pocket pool only, bro," he says. 
“That's the truth." 

“So,” I ask, “are you mind-fucking 
America with your transvestite thing?" 

He pounces on the question like a ball 
in free fall. "I'm gonna do the transves- 
tite thing, bro!" 

“He has a book deal,” Stacy points out. 


According to Delacorte Press, the book 
will be a compilation of interviews and 
autobiographical sketches. Photos will be 
interspersed throughout. (A Delacorte 
spokesperson says, “We're very excited 
about it. It will be called As Bad As I Want 
to Be and will be Dennis’ take on various 
subjects. It'll be out in time for the play- 
offs.”) 

Rodman can visualize it. “You know 
Madonna's book, Sex?" he asks. "It's 
gonna be more extreme. Like nothing 
you have ever seen an athlete do.” 

Rodman hasn't given much thought to 
the text, but he’s clear about the pho- 
tos."I'm gonna dress like a woman," he 
says. "I'm gonna walk down the main. 
street of Las Vegas. Right in front of the 
Mirage.” 

e 


Fresh tattoos stinging his flesh, spa- 
ghetti dinner filling his belly, Dennis 
Rodman steps into the night. Loping to- 
ward the lights, the action, the hive, he 
enters a gay club. Not one head turns. 
Not one fan rushes over. In the half- 


light, surrounded by cross-legged faux 
cowboys and perfectly painted drag 
queens, Dennis Rodman, whose life is lit 
by flashbulbs, looks downright ordinary. 
With Stacy on his lap, he drinks Coors 
Light and screams answers to a Jeopardy- 
style video game at the circular bar. 

“Do you see how comfortable he is 
right now?" asks Ron Lightsey, а front- 
runner in the 1995 Miss Gay Texas 
pageant. “Gay people don’t even know 
who Dennis Rodman is. He goes to 
straight bars and they start picking on 
him because he’s with his Caucasian girl- 
friend. Nobody bugs him in here.” 

"There is plenty of time for attention in 
the Jong season ahead, when Dennis 
Rodman, the entertainer, tries to deal 
with the possibility of tense contract 
renegotiations and his move toward 
Hollywood, a company town that eats its 
young with such a ferocity it makes the 
NBA look like the Welcome Wagon. 
‘Tonight, he is content to be exactly what 
he is: a working stiff looking for solace 
from deeply rooted pain. 

Two husky-voiced drag queens sashay 
over to his barstool and whisper in his 
ear: “Are you into domination or S&M? 
We heard you are.” 

Dennis shakes his head no. “Not 
tonight, bro,” he says. “Not tonight.” 


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DICK NLIPIN 


(continued from page 128) 
the slightest bit coochy. Our Protestant 
work ethic insists that an erection should 
be organic and sincere, not drug-made. 
One couple dropped out of prosta- 
glandin therapy because that little vial in 
their refrigerator made the children 
worry. It’s a wonder we can breed at all 

The dropout rate has been between 30 
percent and 40 percent. (Most often for 
reasons not particularly attributable to 
prostaglandin itself.) Says Goldstein: 
“Even after an injection, she—the wife— 
doesn’t look like Marilyn Monroe. Pas- 
sion flags. Itisn't the romantic thing they 
thought it would be. Men don't like mak- 
ing the discreet trip to the bathroom be- 
forehand. Most of our patients are be- 
tween the ages of 40 to 60. Over that 
age, we find, men tend to lose interest. 
But the women aged 40 to 60 are also 
likely to have gone through menopause. 
So the wife may not be able to lubricate. 
Especially after a long layoff, she may ex- 
perience enough pain to temper her en- 
thusiasm. Also, it's relatively expensive. 
At the price Upjohn charges, an erection 
will cost around $20.” 

Side effects, according to Padma- 
Nathan, occur infrequently and are as- 
sociated with substantial use—though 
30 percent report “mild to moderate 
aching” (I did not). In some cases (three 
percent, or 7.8 percent, according to 
which survey you favor) scar tissue may 
form, giving the gladius some degree of 
dogleg right or left. Padma-Nathan ex- 
plains: “Like putting Scotch tape on a 
deflated balloon. When you blow it up, it 
pulls to one side. Many of these go away 
of their own accord.” In some men sur- 
gical repair may be needed. Then there 
is priapism. Through several thousand 
cases, Padma-Nathan has seen only one 
instance of priapism occurring with a 
home injection. 

Me. 

But we'll get to that later. 

ГА bet there is a potency clinic adver- 
tisement next to the racetrack analysis in 
the sports section of your local paper. 
Avoid these. Not that prostaglandin 
treatment is particularly problematic. 
Despite the bizarre personal experience 
related here, your prostaglandin regime 
should be as safe and as easy as treating 
a bee sting. But, if something were to go 
wrong, you would want a surgeon who 
specializes in urology. Unfortunately, as 
Goldstein says: "There aren't enough 
urologists to go around." Follow-up is 
critical, especially in the rare instances of 
scar tissue formation. Responsible be- 
havior is also crucial —that means no 
more than one injection per day, no 
more than four or five times a week. “I 
hope prostaglandin therapy doesn’t lead 
to a stupid caricature of supersexuality,” 
Padma-Nathan reflects. You can see a 


new male clothing fashion. Not cod- 
pieces. Entire cods. 
. 


“Would you like to hear the blood in 
your penis, Mr. Mano?” 

“Uh, well now. . . .” 

Sound system up. Ka-chunk, ka- 
chunk. The inside of my glad sounds like 
the inside of a submarine, with Richard 
Widmark as captain. 

“Prepare to fire starboard tube.” 

Pi sir” 

Woosht! Not only do I sound like a sub- 
marine, I look like one, too, lying flat, 
with periscope up. Like a scuttled sub- 
marine. I'm sore and, yes, somewhat 
cranky. But the ul- 
trasound test I'm 
taking now is no 
problemo. For me, 
it requires only 
three needles in the 
glad. Just three. 

One to make you 
go up. Two to make 
you go down. Is 
this Alice’s secret 
potion? 

Roberta Poppiti, 
ace vascular techni- 
cian, has handled 
more gladii than a 
108-year-old mo- 
hel. You know those 
airport cafeteria 
checkout counters? 
Roberta is the 
cashier. I'm a шау of 
food. She waves this 
wand thing over 
me—as if my glad 
had a universal bar 
code on it. Ring up 
the sale. 

“Look at the TV 
monitor, Mr. Mano. 
This is a cross-sec- 
tion of your penis.” 
What in God's 
name am І seein 
here? Could it be 
the weather? Is that 
blue stuff a cold 
front over the Delaware Valley? I have 
no idea. Why am I a tray of food to this 
attractive woman? I lean forward. My 
glad disappears from the screen. 

“Oops.” 

“Move just your upper body when you 
look.” 

“Uh. Showers over Fort Lee.” 

“You staying at the Ritz-Carlton?” 

“No, why?” 

“They have special discount rates for 
USC patients. And a bus drops you at 
the hospital.” 

“Аһ.” (Shall I reserve the penile suite, 
sir?) “You must get many celebrities 
here.” 
Mmm. For one famous actor we had 
to move this 700-pound machine all the 


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way across the plaza to Dr. Padma- 
Nathan's office. I guess if that part of 
your anatomy doesn't work, it really 
changes your life, doesn't it?” 

“Oh, I'm just doing an article.” 

Padma-Nathan and І are crossing the 
plaza. I have to get detumesced (a shot 
of Neo-Synephrine, nose drops, will do it). 

“Uh, Мг. Mano,” he says, “pull your 
attaché case up over your ——" 

“Not on your life.” 

He shrugs. 

Proposed to Mildred this evening. 

. 


Thursday, March 16 
Padma-Nathan and I are thumbing 


PLAYBOYY 


The West of 
PAMELA 


ANDERSON 2° 


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through my sexual SAT scores. Some- 
how it doesn't look as if I'll get accepted 
by a good school, so to speak. First of all, 
the test that felt worse than flaming 
kerosene shows I have bladder dysergia: 
lack of muscle coordination resulting 
from defective nerve conduction. (In 
plain English: For me the last drop is 
never the last drop.) Parkinson’s has 
probably caused this and Hytrin can give 
relief—at least enough to keep all my 
zippers from rusting. 

The DICC and ultrasound show a cer- 
tain amount of vascular deterioration, 
most evident in my right cavernosal 
artery—which at age 53 I'm “entitled 
to,” said Padma-Nathan. (A 364 choles- 
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erally speaking, the old bathtub faucet 
and stopper mechanism is functional. 
My flat tires are rather neurogenic 
and/or psychogenic in origin. That is: (a) 
the signal from my brain to produce 
prostaglandin isn’t getting through of- 
ten or forcefully enough, perhaps be- 
cause I have nerve damage from Par- 
kinson’s, and (Б) my spiteful mind is 
producing an overdose of the shriveler 
noradrenaline. To use athletic terminol- 
ogy, I choke in the dutch. 

How does Padma-Nathan know all 
this? Mildred, that bitch, went and told 
him. So let me reveal something you 
weren't aware of. The average bloke— 
me, your priest, Newt Gingrich—will 
get four or five 
firm erections while 
asleep, with each 
erection lasting as 
long as а half hour 
or more. Imagine. 
Yow're probably 
hard for about two 
hours every night. 
Compute it ош: 
That is more than 
five years over a 
normal lifetime. 
And not once did 
she bother to wake 
you up. 

There is a physi- 
ological reason for 
all this night work. 
“Most of us after pu- 
berty,” said Padma- 
Nathan, “have more 
erections when we 
are asleep than 
when we're awake. 
And those erections 
really recharge the 
battery, keep that 
muscle intact, re- 
oxygenate it. When 
they stop, trans- 
forming growth fac- 
ғ tors increase, toxic 

substances increase 
and prostaglandins 
are no longer pro- 
duced. The smooth 
muscle dies. You lose it.” 

Nightsticks, then, are positive signs. 
(Even with Mildred and a strange hotel 
bed I had one or two that stood out on 
the Rigiscan seismograph.) “If you get 
really huge, rigid erections at night that 
are long in duration—and you're having 
some problems and you're with a new 
partner and you've just had a death in 
the family and you're going through a 
financial crisis, then I can tell you that 
it's a situational dysfunction that will get 
better. It also tells me that your nerves 
are intact from here to here.” From 
brain to groin, he means. 

But there is much more at stake, I sus- 
pect, than just muscle and oxygen. The 


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our nighttime erections. This theory, 
understand, is based on no scientific 
data whatever—though Padma-Nathan 
found it not implausible. 

Let me take you back a few decades 
Around 1974 I wrote a piece on biofeed- 
back. People then were trying to self-in- 
duce “creative” brain-wave rhythms— 
most often alpha, the sort of high 
frequency pattern that was scientifically 
associated with artistic and religious 
insight. 

So I sat in a chair while a nice lady 
stuck electrodes on my cranium and told 
me to make alpha. Relax, concentrate, 
yawn. The biofeedback machine was si- 
lent—no beep to announce the proper 
set of electric cycles in my skull. 

The nice lady, perhaps sensing my dis- 
tress, leaned over. “Try sexual images,” 
she said 

Beep! 

‘That always intrigued me. Why would 
sexual musings trigger brain-wave ac- 
шоп similar to the rhythms inspired by 
creative work? Does arousal аге, sus- 
tain or just coincide with a heightened 
imagination? Erections occur during the 
most crucial period of subconscious 
enterprise—rapid-eye-movement sleep. 
Simplistically, a preorgasmic state of car- 
nal excitement evidently parallels REM 
in its “primitive consciousness.” Your 
erection acts both as antenna and as 
transmitter—jamming the diurnal 
brain-wave pattern, permitting free as- 
sociation. Creativity, it seems, is as re- 
lated to sexuality as it is to intellect. 1 
presuppose, of course, some analogous 
but less manifest brain-groin circuit 
in women. 


I have tower clearance from Padma- 
Nathan. Time to take off. The injection 
is quick and simple, nothing you'd need 
a lobster bib for. And close to painless. 
The glad base—where you prick your- 
self—has very few pain receptors. Just 
swab, suck a small amount of clear liquid 
from ampule to syringe (as they do on 
ER) and, plip, insert. The needle—hard- 
ly half an inch long—is disposable and 
not much thicker than an acupunctur- 
ist's. It’s the same type of needle diabet- 
ics use for insulin injections. It was in be- 
fore I knew it. Press plunger and out 
Contact. 

Padma-Nathan has allowed me to ab- 
sorb 0.1 cc of his prostaglandin and 
phentolamine formulation. This is a mi- 
nuscule amount, yet it is often more than 
sufficient. Padma-Nathan, you see, 
doesn’t want me to look like a human 
diving board. If 100 percent is a 15-year- 
old's glad-on, Padma-Nathan would like 
his clientele at about 75 percent—where 
the flesh tusk will be full, nonbuckling 
and confident, but still human. It is 
more natural (and more sensuous) to 
generate that last 25 percent through 


love, romance and situational raunch— 
while knowing that one cannot fail. 

“Well, things seem to be happening. 
Let me leave you alone for a while. See if 
you're comfortable. See how it feels.” 

It feels just fine. Somewhat like being 
the sexual equivalent of a ventriloquist’s 
dummy, but fine, thank you. Just fine. I 
mean, why put my brain through alll that 
trouble? Who needs concentration, fan- 
tasy-making? 

Uh-oh. 

Who needs me? Is that what you're saying, 
buster? 

No, Brain. Gosh, no, never. 

Went and bought yourself an erection, did 
you? In California, no less. Went over my 
head to some doctor. 

Brain, it isn’t what you think. 

An erection without guilt? Without effort? 
There is no such thing for you 

No, please. Not the noradrenaline, 
no! 

“Well, Mr. Mano, how's it going? Oh, 
that's excellent. Very good." 

“Well, but it hasn't gotten any bigger, 
it's still 75 percent.” 

“Hey, don't worry. It’s great. Thi 
just where I wanted you (о be. You're 
leaving in a few hours and there's no 
way I can monitor you. This is perfect 
for now. When you get home to a famil- 
iar, relaxed atmosphere. 

“1 need another shot. Give me anoth- 
er shot.” 

“But suppose you have a priapism on 
the plane?” 

“I won't, I won't, I won't.” 

“Hmm. Well, we have three hours— 
why is it so important to you?” 

"Because there's a loud, deep voice in 
my head, and it's saying, ‘No.’ We need a 
show of force now, we need a preemp- 
tive strike.” 

“Oh. Gotcha.” 

To his credit, Padma-Nathan knew in- 
stantly what I was talking about and just 
how critical it could be: psychogenic self- 
sabotage, I mean. Since Monday he had 
been putting up with шу batty, obsessive 
imagination. (I once wrote a 555-page 
novel, numbered 555 to zero, about this 
guy who lost his senses one after anoth- 
er, until he went mad or found God or 
both.) But, sympathetic as Padma-Na- 
than may be, he can’t ignore prudent 
medical practice. (“In case you become 
priapic, please wait for the flight auen- 
dant to assist you.”) Still, after ten min- 
utes he gave me a stingy 0.15 cc booster 
shot. Nothing much happened. I feared 
I was in trouble. 

“Have a good flight home, Mr. Mano.” 
We shook hands. “Call me any time: 
Here's my home number. We have time. 
Your wife's out of town for another three 
weeks. By the time her show closes, I 
promise you'll be having dependable, 
persistent, firm erections. ГЇЇ talk you 
through it. I promise.” 

Padma-Nathan smiles. I smile. We 


both know he is trying to overwhelm my 
brain by the force of his medical author- 
йу. Now he is in trouble, too. I see my 
head do a 360-degree turn: And green 
puke hoses down Padma-Nathan. 

The City of the Angels drops below 
me. Once again, to my amazement, I got 
through immigration, and am now 
heading for New York. A thermos is on 
my lap. In it sits one ampule containing 
50 chilled erections. I am full of male- 
ness. After all, Dr. Harin Padma-Na- 
than—an expert in erectile dysfunc- 
tion—has promised me. 

And then this voice speaks out of the 
clouds: 

A few diplomas? You're impressed by а few 
diplomas? Since when? 

. 


PROSTAGLANDIN DIARY 


March 18, Saturday: I'm not worried. 
With Dr. P-N listening from his home 
3000 miles away, I shot myself up with 
0.2 cc of prostaglandin and phentol- 
amine. The injection part was a cinch. 

Then 1 lay down and started reading 
The Wall Street Journal, as І had planned. 
T have to be scientific about this. Can't let 
subjective factors distort the data. My re- 
action is supposed to be chemical, peri- 
od. It works or it doesn't. There is по 
placebo effect in this therapy. 

It didn't work. 

March 22, Wednesday: I'm not wor- 
ried. P-N not worried. Shot up 0.3 cc this 
afternoon. Nothing. 

March 25, Saturday: I'm not worried. 
I'm panicked. Shot up 0.4 cc. Then, іп 
about ten minutes, when I just knew it 
wasn't going to work, I shot up another 
0.2 cc, then another 0.2 cc. A total of 0.8 
cc. Didn't even feel the needles. 

Nothing happened. 

Padma-Nathan is air-freighting me 
some trimix with papaverine. Papaver- 
ine is surefire stuff (though there is more 
scarring with it). Papaverine got me up 
for the DICC. It's pretty much irre- 
sistible. I tell myself that. 

P-N just called. That's six times since 
Wednesday. He remains confident and 
encouraging. Has a great transcontinen- 
tal bedside manner. Says it’s lucky I had 
all those tests, because otherwise I'd 
have to get the ultrasound, etc., in New 
York now, just to be sure there were no 
Physical problems. 

This way he knows for certain I’m OK 
physically. 

March 28, Tuesday: Give me a break, 
will you? 

Took 0.2 cc of trimix and zilcho, bal- 
loon juice, nothing. 

I know what's up. I know. Brain has 
decided to go one-on-one with Padma- 
Nathan. Oh, yes. Brain is going to over- 
ride the bad prostaglandin that might 
give us—God forbid—a little pleasure. 
Brain is going to prove itself more ma- 


cho by failing. By being less macho. Oh, 
good idea, Mr. Brain. That'll be a satis- 
factory win. 

And for this kind of thinking we 
evolved from Australopithecus? 

March 29, Wednesday: It worked! And 
it's like Beethoven's Eroica. Magnificent. 
Sculptural. There. 

Hit myself with 0.5 cc of trimix (as in- 
structed) and lay down on my back 
to read, Eight minutes later I heard this 
tap-tapping on The Wall Street Journal. 
Polite like. 

“May I come in?" 

Well, hello there, 

Lasted more than an hour. Told Pad- 
ma-Nathan to have a drink on me. We 
are both relieved. 

April 4, Tuesday: Another Ballantine 
blast! 175 outta here! More than two 
hours hard at 0.5 cc trimix. We have 
broken Mr. Brain's will. The doctor says 
soon I can use a lower dosage—but lat- 
ег, later. 

L arrives home on April 17. Think ГЇЇ 
try one more shakedown cruise. 

Look what I got you, dear. 

Oh, you shouldn't have. 

April 11, Tuesday: Landed myself in 
the emergency room of Columbia-Pres- 
byterian Hospital tonight. 

Can you believe this? 

Administered 0.5 cc trimix at seven 
рм. At around ten р.м. I knew I had gone 
priapic. It ached. 1 couldn't get comfort- 
able in any position. A tub of cold water 
didn't dent it. And I had to urinate at the 
ceiling. 

Thank God P-N was home. “Mr. 
Mano, І swear, you are the first patient 
of mine ever to develop priapism. But 
don't worry. You'll be all right. There's 
по harm to the tissue until eight or ten 
hours. We'll wait until 11:30. Meanwhile, 
I'll alert Dr. Ridwan Shabsigh in New 
York. He's a good friend and a top spe- 
cialist in erectile dysfunction. You'll be all 
right and maybe it'll go down of its own 
accord.” It didn’t. 

1 left the apartment like a cranky, bent 
old woman with osteoporosis. Try get- 
ting your priapism into a taxi seat— 
might as well squeeze in through the 
cash drawer. 

Dr. Shabsigh was great: efficient, calm, 
and understanding. Still, it isn't pain- 
less—nor pleasant—to watch gobs of 
dark blood come out of your glad like 
cheap red bordeaux through a Sip-n-See 
straw, Still it didn't go down. Shabsigh 
had to drain nose drops in. And, of 
course, everybody stopped by to watch 

But Shabsigh concurs with P-N: Pri- 
apism is extremely rare. 

Hooray for Mr. Brain—he suckered 
me into his trap. And 1 fell for it. 

Attacked by the overconfident forces 
of trimix, Brain began retreating—like 
the Russian army before Napoléon—un- 
til 1 had overdosed myself. At 0.5 cc tri- 
mix the only thing keeping me from 


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priapism was Brain's resistance, all that 
noradrenaline. When the resistance was 
withdrawn, I was overcommitted. 

Winter fell on Moscow. There were 
bloody footprints in the snow. 

April 18, Tuesday: At P-N's insistence 
(he has to be a little gun-shy) Land I use 
only 0.4 cc of the regular formula. Noth- 
ing. I have no faith. 

L says: “Oh you. Compete, compete, 
compete. That poor doctor.” 

Good to have her home. Tomorrow 
we go with 0.1 cc of trimix. We're all ner- 
vous. Though 1 had no discomfort after 
today's dose, I don't want to go to Co- 
lumbia-Presbyterian again. 

What if P-N hadn't been home when I 
called that night? 

April 19, Wednesday: Tonight I was 
Wagnerian. Tonight I was a character 
out of DC Comics—kapow! Take that! A 
0.1 cc dose of trimix is perfect. For 85 
exquisite minutes. L is quite amazed 
and pleased. The rest is none of your 
business. 

April 23, Sunday: Damn tactical mis- 
take. P-N told me to try lowering the 
dose (afraid of another priapism, I 
guess). So 1 hit up with 0.05 cc trimix. 

Nothing. I should have reinforced 
myself at 0.1 cc first. 

In my head I hear: Heh, heh, heh, 
heh, heh. 

L beginning to roll her eyes. 

April 26, Wednesday: Fail at 0.07 cc 
trimix. L puts her bare foot down: по 
chemical sex for at least two weeks. I 
start making love the normal way, not 
like a self-conscious lab animal. We have 
to reestablish the strong sexuality we 
had before I went to California. “This is 
like making love at a press conference,” 
L says. 

She's right. She's right. 

May 10, Wednesday: trimix at 0.1 cc. 
Kapow! 

"Thank God. 


And so Odysseus, having beaten the 
one-eyed monster, having slid (with 
some K-Y) between Scylla and Charyb- 
dis, settles down beside Penelope at 0.1 
cc of trimix. There let him rest. 

This has not been an easy article to 
write. The ironic stance I've taken is, as 
you may have guessed, defensive in large 
part. I still possess some male pride. And 
I certainly wish my experience with 
prostaglandin had been less like an SNL 
episode with “Mr. Bill." But that was not 
to be. 

I believe in prostaglandin treatment 
for erectile dysfunction—as I believe in 
anything that might heal the chafing be- 
tween male and female (or male and 
male). Prostaglandin may not be for you. 
Or, rather: Prostaglandin may not be for 
you now. But it is therc whenever you 
want to try it. 'The injections are trivial. 
And you will almost surely not have to go 


through what—out of journalistic pig- 
headedness—I went through: high 
dosages, invasive tests, priapism and a 
long period of fine-tuning. Anyway, you 
have now heard the worst. 


Padma-Nathan is writing one of those 
"all you wanted to know" books about 
prostaglandin therapy. It should sell: 
There is a large enough target audience. 
Ло offset my harrowing narrative, I 
asked Padma-Nathan if I could speak 
anonymously with some of his more rep- 
resentative clients. These excerpts con- 
vey, fairly I think, their gratefulness and 
enthusiasm: 

A.Z., 56, marketing executive: “1 had 
been impotent and uninterested for five 
years or so, when a friend mentioned 
Padma-Nathan. I shrugged and filed it 
away, but that same week I met the love 
of my life. I would never, never have 
dared to call her in my demoralized sex- 
ual frame of mind. But I went over to 
USC—the prostaglandin gave me con- 
fidence. We're engaged now and I've 
never been happier in my life." 

R.H., 59, set designer: "I was diag- 
nosed as bipolar three years ago. Prozac 
gave me a lot of relief. Unfortunately, it 
also left me pretty limp where it counts. 
With prostaglandin, thank God, I can be 
both sane and sexually active. 

A.R., 48, airline consulta “I had 
great results with the therapy, so I men- 
tioned it to my buddies at our monthly 
poker night. Half of them went clammy 
and pale, like, ‘How did he know? Did 
my wife tell his wife?' Believe me, at 
some age all men start worrying about. 
it. Four of the guys called me. Three 
of them have had success with pros- 
taglandin. We go out, and they pick up 
the tab." 

TR., 65, lawyer: “I was a womaniz- 
er all my life—especially young ladies. 
Then, around ten years ago, I lost faith 
in my staying power. I was miserable, 
even suicidal. There was no reason to 
live. Now women tell me I perform bet- 
ter than their 21-year-old boyfriends 
and I have the experience of 65 years." 

B.L., 57, real-estate broker: "I wasn't 
impotent per se. Yet I needed novelty, 
which got me into a lot of trouble. But, 
with the therapy, I felt validated in my 
own bed. The wife did, too. It saved our 
marriage." 

D.K.M., 53, PLAYBOY contributing edi- 

or: “L and І use it when we feel the 
need. Most often just knowing there's an 
атрше in the refrigerator is enough. 
And I don't worry about the eventual ef- 
fect of Parkinson's medication. You ask if 
I'd go through it again? My answer is 
yes— priapism and all.” 

"That, let me tell you, is one hell of a 
recommendation. 


JOHNNY DEPP 


(continued from page 142) 
DEPP: At one point I was living on coffee 
and cigarettes, no food, no sleep. I was 
sitting around with some pals when my 
heart started running at 200 beats a 
minute. That's scary. You're mentally 
trying to slow down your heart, but you 
can't. It's like being on a plane when the 
bottom drops out—you drop a couple 
thousand feet and one second turns into 
eternity. You really do get all those fami- 
ly pictures in your head. And you feel so 
totally fucking alone. I was thinking of 
my grandfather on my mom's side, a 
great man I worshiped. His heart just 
exploded one day. When my heart start- 
ed racing I hoped it was an anxiety at- 
tack, but when it went on for 45 minutes 
1 knew it wasn't anxiety, it was all the shit 
I'd done to my body. My friends got me 
to the hospital, where I got a shot— 
boom, a shot that basically stops your 
heart for a second. I could feel myself 
curling up, going fetal. Then it was over. 
I got to go home. Now, there's an ехре- 
rience that'll scare you into shape. 
PLAYBOY: Did you swear off drugs and 
alcohol? 
DEPP: Well, I'm а little thick so it took a 
while. I eventually curbed my drinking. 
A few beers or a couple glasses of wine, 
that’s not abuse. 
PLAYBOY: Is drug use always harmful? 
DEPP: It depends on the drug and the 
person. Some kids escape into sports. 
Some people go to the movies. Some es- 
cape with drugs. There’s one school of 
thought that drugs are recreational; 
there’s another school of thought that 
they can be therapeutic, a way to deal 
with problems. I think they're usually a 
crutch, a way to avoid problems. I have 
never known a junkie who got away, 
never seen one that heroin didn’t get. 
But it always depends on the drug, 
doesn't it? Reefer, obviously, is fine. I 
have never seen a guy smoke a joint and 
get so stoned he had to beat the shit out 
of someone. 
PLAYBOY: What about sex crimes? What 
did you think when you heard about 
Hugh Grant's misdemeanor near Sunset 
Boulevard? 
DEPP: I felt bad for the guy and terrible 
for Elizabeth Hurley, for their global em- 
barrassment. But I could see how it hap- 
pened, too. To be honest, what he was 
busted for—isn't that what most men 
want? Whether it’s with your wife, your 
girlfriend or any female, don't we think 
of that? Ninety-seven percent of men 
around the world probably do, or want 
to do, the same thing. But they don't get 
caught, or if they do it’s nota worldwide 
affair. As for the way he went about it, I 
have to say 1 don't know where his mind 
was, but was it worth the attention it got? 
1f something that bizarre had happened 


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188 


to me, I think I would have laughed and 
laughed. 

PLAYBOY: You had a Hollywood Babylon 
moment of your own in Don Juan when 
you played a scene with 250 naked 
women. Is it possible to appreciate 250 
nude women at once? 

DEPP: Your brain won't acknowledge it. 
It’s too much. You can't process the fact 
that these women are real and three-di- 
mensional. It’s like a huge painting— 
you can't appreciate all the details at the 
same time. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think there's a percep- 
tual limit to the number of nude women 
a guy can process? 

DEPP: The trouble for me is that І have 
one bad eye, so there go 125 right there. 
You might do better. Га say І can deal 
with something in the 30s, 30 to 39. 
PLAYBOY: How is a screen kiss different 
from a real kiss? Do you try different 
ones the way actors work through vari- 
ous line readings? 

DEPP: I don't work that way. I think it’s 
awful when people plan how to say 
something. That's the wrong approach 
because it’s never real. The same applies 
to kissing. 1 try to kiss normally. But 
there are times when the other person 
isn't comfortable or you aren't, so you 
fake it [miming а near-miss kiss] with a 
movie kiss. Maybe we should always do 
that; it’s not wise to run around kissing 
people. It's not hygienically sound. You 
don't know where they were the night 
before and they sure don't know where 
you were. But a movie kiss is never like a 
real kiss, where there's love involved. It 
takes emotion to turn a kiss into some- 
thing wonderful. 

PLAYBOY: Is sex more demanding for a 
movie Romeo? Have you ever been ac- 


cused of being less than stellar in bed? 
DEPP: [Laughing] Never. Of course, Гуе 
never been called stellar, either. 

PLAYBOY: If you were forced to star in a 
ТУ show, which one would you choose? 
DEPP: There's an English show 1 love 
called Whose Line Is It Anyway? It’s all 
improvisation. Brilliant, quick, clever 
comics—spontaneity with both barrels. І 
wish I could do that show. 

PLAYBOY: Why don't you call them? 

DEPP: No, no. I respect that show far too 
much to be on it. I wish I were together 
enough to do what they do, but it’s not 
going to happen, not in this life. 
PLAYBOY: We've talked about your past 
exposure to fire-and-brimstone religion. 
Do you have a faith now? 

DEPP: Nothing with a name. I haven't 
found that, but I hope there's something 
else out there. I hope that when we leave 
this world we go on a little trip. Why 
not? Countless people have had near- 
death experiences and have come back 
to say they saw interesting things. No- 
body returns from the dead and says, 
“Hey, there’s nothing else.” And while 
there's no organized religion I agree 
with, I think the Bible is a very good 
book. Probably a novel. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever pray? 

DEPP: I pray on airplanes. 1 get instant 
religion during takeoff, then when we're 
safely in the air I sit there thinking about 
the fact that any little thing that goes 
wrong could send us crashing to the 
ground. 

PLAYBOY: Pop quiz: Other than Kate, 
Brando and all of your other famous 
friends, who have you learned from in 
Hollywood? 

DEPP: Craft services. 

PLAYBOY: The people who do the catering 


1 


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H 
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on movie sets? 

DEPP: Those people are pros. I һауе 
learned a lot from craft services. How to 
make dips. Tricks for keeping things 
fresh. It’s not just Tupperware—you can 
put vegetables out on a platter, fine, but 
they'll last a lot longer on a bed of 
crushed ice. І recently learned to make а 
fine seviche. I can cook, too. 

PLAYBOY: What do you cook? 

DEPP: l've made some pretty good beef 
stew in my day. I'm good at French toast. 
But most of all, I cook pork like a magi- 
cian. You're looking ага guy who cooks а 
fine plate of bacon. 

PLAYBOY: What's the secret with bacon? 
DEPP: Frequent flipping. You have to 
even it ош on both sides. And don't use 
a high flame. Take your time. You need 
patience with bacon. You have to main- 
tain a calm attitude with pork. 

PLAYBOY: Cooking for Kate Moss—that in 
itself would be a high-profile job. 

DEPP: 1 cook for a supermodel. And con- 
trary to what's been written about Kate, 
she has a healthy appetite. That girl can 
put away a plate of bacon. 

PLAYBOY: Not the most healthful diet. 
DEPP: I’m not sure I could give up pork. 
Steak, OK. Maybe hamburgers. But 
nothing in the world can make me stop 
eating swine. I mean, I had a great- 
grandmother, Mimmy, who ate the 
greasiest food you ever saw and chewed 
tobacco till the day she died, and she 
lived to be 102. 

PLAYBOY: What did you learn from her? 
DEPP: I learned that I never want to see a 
spittoon again as long as 1 live. I have 
vivid memories of fetching Mimmy's 
spittoon, and it was nasty in there. Not 
only tobacco juice but toenails too. She'd 
put her toenail clippings in there and 
they looked just like cashews. To this day 
I can't eat cashews. 

PLAYBOY: You've played Ed Wood and 
Don Juan. Any other notable characters 
you want to play? 

DEPP: Le Petomane. 

PLAYBOY: You speak, of course, of the not- 
ed Parisian cabaret performer of the 
turn of the century, the fartiste who toot- 
ed grand opera from his anus—the orig- 
inal classical gas? 

DEPP; You have to admire anyone with 
such great control of his . . . instrument. 
I'd love to play him. I'm sure there were 
tragic moments in his life. It's tragic that 
he left no successors. But what a hysteri- 
cal scene when he discovers his gift. 
"That's a role I'd do in a minute. 
PLAYBOY: Forgetting your "quote-un- 
quote career" for a moment, do you ever 
think about your legacy? Film stock lasts; 
people will still be seeing you 100 years 
from now. 

DEPP: Yeah, they'll say, "Whatever hap- 
pened to Johnny Dope? Jimmy Dip? You 
know, the Scissorhands guy. . . ." 


PLAYBOY Y 


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PLAYBOY 


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THE STALLION 


(continued from page 82) 
climb on top. That way I can take you in 
deepest, and I'm gonna have you up to 
my belly button. After that, I'm gonna 
suck you dry, until you can’t come again, 
and you beg for mercy—even if you 
come 14 times. You're gonna remember 
Roberta as the best piece of ass you ever 
had. And I've got a notion I'm not the 
only woman named Hardeman you've 
ever had." 

. 


“I'm going to take the fuckin’ compa- 
ny away from him, Betsy,” Angelo said 
simply when he returned to the States. 

“Ti help you,” she said. “But you 
must never trust my father. More impor- 
tant, you must not trust Roberta. My fa- 
ther would rather destroy the company 
than let you take it from him. What he 
really wants is to destroy you.” 

They had just ordered dinner from 
room service. Betsy was as she liked to Бе 
when she was with him: naked except for 
a pair of sheer white crotchless panties. 
He wore blue slingshots, nothing more. 

“Will you give me an honest answer to 
an honest question?” Betsy asked. 

“Sure.” 

“Have you ever fucked Roberta?” 

He frowned and shook his head. “Are 
you kidding?" he asked. 

She reached for his hand. “Number 
One kept concealed video cameras in 
some of the bedrooms in his house in 
Palm Beach. He had tapes made of the 
shenanigans that took place in those 
rooms. The night he died I gathered up 
the tapes, took them out to the beach 
and put the cartridges on a picnic fire. 
After that I threw the melted remains in 
the ocean. One of those tapes was of you 
and me.” 

“How do you know?” 

“How do you think? Didn't you ever 
get it through your head how evil that 
old man was? He showed me the tape of 
you and me.” 

“And?” 

“Maybe looking at it again, with the 
live me sitting there, is what caused his 
coronary—that is, if God didn’t cause it, 
to do justice at long last.” 

“Are you sure you got all the tapes?” 

“All that were in his room. I doubt 
there were any others.” 

“What's all this got to do with Rober- 
ta? That's the subject you” 

“Angelo, I didn't have time to look at 
his collection, but if there was a tape of 
you and Roberta, it’s very likely he 
showed it to my father. That would have 
been like him, to sow a deeper hatred. 
Angelo, the old man was wicked.” 

“There was no tape of me and Rober- 
ta,” said Angelo. 

“All right. She's got the same mentali- 


ty my great-grandfather had. If you ever 
did it anywhere, you better wonder if 
she taped you. The woman is capable 
of——" 


"I don't know much about Robert: 
said Angelo. "I don't want to know any- 
thing more than I know already." 

"Another question," said Betsy. "Num- 
ber One couldn't have made those tapes. 
So who did? And when vill we hear from 
them? We've got blackmail in our future, 
my love." 

“There are only two ways to deal with 
blackmailers. One, you pay them. Two, 
you kill them." 

"I like that. Which is why I count on 
you to make sure my son inherits what 
he is entitled to." 

"I'm not sure 1 have any influence 
over that," said Angelo. 

"You will," said Betsy. "Soon." 

. 


“I bought you something while you 
were away on business,” Betsy said after 
they finished their meal. 

He had noticed a small wrapped pack- 
age on the coffee table and expected that 
sooner or later she would open it. She 
handed it to him. He took off the paper 
and found a small wooden box with a 
lid that slid back. Inside the box, on a 
pink silk lining, lay three leather straps 
with buckles and a dozen rubber rings, 
plus instructions in Japanese, German, 
French and English: 


The world-famous “Arabian Strap" 
For the more handsome manly parts 
For the more pleasing fuck 


Betsy helped him follow the instruc- 
tions. The straps were made of soft black 
leather about half an inch wide and were 
fitted with steel buckles. Betsy read the 
instructions and laughed, but she 
watched intently as he did what the in- 
structions said. He slipped out of his 
slingshots. First he passed the longest 
strap through the loops on the ends of 
the two shorter ones. Then he looped 
the long strap under his scrotum and 
over the root of his hard-on, pulled it 
tight and buckled it. 

“I like the way it squeezes up your 
balls,” said Betsy. “This is good already.” 

‘The rubber rings came in three sizes. 
Angelo rolled one of the middle-sized 
ones down his shaft. He stretched the 
ring to roll it over the two short straps, 
опе on each side. Finally, as the instruc- 
tions said, he tightened and buckled the 
two straps. His cock, already erect, stiff- 
ened even more and grew slightly larger. 
It stood high and turned a little red. 

“Does it hurt?” asked Betsy. 

Angelo laughed. “Hell, no. 

“The instructions say that if you don’t 
pull it too tight, you can walk around all 


day with it on, giving you a very showy 
bulge.” 

“Like a woman in a pointy bra,” he 
said. 

“Put on your underpants. I want to 
see what you'll look like.” 

"I'm not sure I can get them on. 

He tried and succeeded, stretching 
the slingshots out in a great pointed 
bulge. He walked to a mirror and looked 
at himself. He pulled the underpants off 
and stared at the mirror. 

Betsy pointed at his freakish engorge- 
ment. "I want that," she said, pulling off 
her panties. 

She shrieked as he entered her. For 
two minutes she moaned and grimaced. 
The strap caused premature ejaculation. 
But it kept him hugely erect, and he did 
not pull out. Не continued until he had 
come three times and she had come two 
or three times. 

Betsy hurried to the bathroom to wash 
herself. When she came back out, she 
poured two scotches. "You like your 
present?" she purred. 

Angelo grinned. “That was the best I 
ever had.” 

“Let me help you take it off. I don't 
want it to damage you.” 

She worked the buckles and loosened 
the straps. “It's your present,” she said, 
“but it stays with me. I don't want you 
using it with other women.” 

He kissed her. “I don’t want you let- 
ting any other man put it on.” 

“1 don't know another man who 
would be willing to try it,” she said. 
“Maybe you don't know another woman 
who would be willing to have you with it 
on. Мете a pair, Angelo, like I've always 
told you.” 


Alicia Grinwold Hardeman was 
Loren's first wife and Betsy's mother. As 
part of her divorce settlement, she had 
received half his stock in Bethlehem Mo- 
tors. This left her a minority stockholder, 
but a stockholder nonetheless. 

Since Alicia was a stockholder and she 
and Angelo had developed a personal 
friendship, it was to his benefit to keep 
her informed of what was going on in 
Detroit. 

On a Saturday afternoon in August, 
оп his way home froma visit to a barber- 
shop, Angelo stopped by the house on 
Round Hill Road to show her a set of 
photographs of the Stallion prototype. 

Alicia welcomed him into the house. 
She had been sitting beside her pool and 
was wearing a short white terrycloth 
beach coat. He surmised there was a 
bikini under the coat. She offered him a 
drink. He asked for a scotch. 

“It seems to me,” she said as they 
walked through the house, “that you 
used to be an aficionado of dry martinis. 
When did you switch to scotch?” 


“I didn’t. Decent scotch is easier to 
come by than well-mixed martinis.” 

“Try me?” she asked as she walked in- 
to the kitchen. 

“Sure.” 

She had Beefeater gin. She cracked ice 
cubes in the palm of her hand, under the 
impact of an odd little hammer with a 
flat spring for a handle. Into a tall, thin 
glass pitcher she put ice, gin and a touch 
of vermouth. She stirred with a glass 
rod. Expertly, she cut a curl of lemon 
peel, then twisted it into a long-stemmed 
glass. She poured. 

He sipped. 

“A dry martini with a twist, well 
mixed,” said Alicia. 

“Well mixed,” he agreed, saluting her 
with his glass 

She cut and twisted another bit of 
lemon peel and poured one for herself. 
“When you can't make automobiles or 
launch great stock issues or run for Con- 
gress, you cultivate the small, civilized 
skills, like making a good martini. 

Once again Angelo lifted his glass in 
salute. “The roads are crowded with 
cars,” he said, “most of them junk. But 
good martinis are rare.” 

“Angelo, have you seen the painting 
of me?" 

“No. I understand it's——" 

“Yes, of course. I'm stark naked. And 
it's beautiful. Someday, after Гтп gone, it 
will hang in a museum. Come. I'll show 
you. I keep it upstairs. I don't show it to 
everyone." 

He followed her up the stairs and 
along the hall to her bedroom, where 
the painting dominated one wall and, in 
fact, the whole room. He had guessed 
what Alicia Grinwold Hardeman looked 
like nude, but the naked woman looking. 
lazily out of the painting was more real- 
istically Alicia than Alicia herself. 

She was sitting on a graceful Victorian 
chair upholstered with black horsehair. 
Like Manet's Olympia, she wore a cameo 
on a black ribbon around her neck. Her 
dark-brown hair was tied back. She wore 
a faint smile, perhaps defiant. 

She sat with her legs crossed at the an- 
kles and relaxed at an angle to the left. 
"Ihe pose did not display her crotch, on- 
ly her belly down to the edge of her pu- 
bic hair. 

Alicia was 48 years old, and the artist. 
had made no attempt to portray her as 
younger. Her breasts were pendulous 
and soft. She was slender, but she had a 
full little belly. The artist had not failed 
to depict her stretch marks. 

"Not bad for ап old girl, huh?" 

“You're beautiful, Alicia," said Angelo. 

She sighed. "I wanted that picture 
done before І have to kid myself," she 
said. "I've had Bill take Polaroids of me. 
When I'm a really old woman, I want to 
have evidence that I wasn't always an old 
woman. Capisce?” 


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PLAYBOY 


192 


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Angelo nodded. “Capisce.” 

She crossed the room to the window, 
parted the sheer curtains and looked 
out. “As the years go by you know that 
you haven't lived all you could have 
lived. You think about chances you 
didn't take.” 

“T know.” 

“Not you,” she said, “Race-car driver, 
all the rest of it. You're still at it. You 
don't miss anything, do you? Do you 
have any idea how many people envy 
you?” 

“Alicia” 

“If only—can you guess what I want 
right now?” 

“Alicia” 

“I want you to put me down on that 
bed and make love to me, Angelo. It may 
be the last chance I'll ever have, to——” 

“It could be a big mistake,” he said. 

She smiled and shook her head. 
“Don't spoil the romantic, dashing im- 
age of Angelo Perino. Don’t turn into 
Mr. Caution. Right now it’s perfect. No 
one can possibly know. Maybe another 
time will come. Maybe not. I’m not a 
hysterical woman, Angelo. I know 
there’s no future for us. But by God 
there's now! This one time, and maybe 
never again. Angelo. ...” 

She was wearing a bikini under the 
beach coat. A skimpy yellow one. She 
jerked it off and stood for a moment with 
her hands on her hips, to let him look at 
her naked body. Then she offered her- 
self in the missionary position and mur- 
mured and groaned the whole time he 
was inside her. 

It was an odd experience for Angelo. 
Alicia was not a sexpot like her daughter, 
not a woman of uncommon appetites 
like Roberta; she was just a woman who 
enjoyed straightforward copulation, 
who was happy just feeling a big hard 
cock driving deep into her. Only when 
he came did she throw her legs around 
him to prevent him from withdrawing. 

She held him inside her for a long 
time, as she slowly came down. 

“Sometime again, Angelo,” she whis- 
pered. “When it's absolutely safe. Don't 
worry. I won't embarrass you. No risks. 
Just... when we can.” 

Driving home he had an unworthy 
thought, unworthy, that is, of the fine 
woman he had just been with. He had 
now fucked both of Loren's wives and 
his daughter. 


“This meeting of the board of direc- 
tors of Bethlehem Motors, Inc. will come 
to order,” Loren said sonorously. 

He had obviously given some thought 
to the arrangement of the room. The di- 
rectors sat around a table. Angelo sat in a 
chair behind them, against the wall, 
where the corporate counsel also sat. 


‘The stenographer who would transcribe 
the meeting sat beside Angelo. 

“You have been given copies of the 
minutes of the last meeting of the 
board,” said Loren. “Without objection, 
they will be received as written. You have 
copies of the treasurer’s report. Without 
objection, it will be received as submit- 
ted. This is the first meeting of the direc- 
tors since the death of my grandfather, 
and we have major decisions to make. 
Unless someone wishes to bring up 
something else, I would first like to take 
up the report of our consultant and vice 
president, Mr. Angelo Perino, who pro- 
poses that this company build a new au- 
tomobile. No objection? Mr. Perino.” 

Angelo stood. He spoke without notes. 
“Along with the minutes and treasurer's 
report, you have copies of my report and 
recommendations. Before his death, Mr. 
Hardeman the First somewhat reluc- 
tantly concluded that this company 
could not survive in the automobile busi- 
ness if it continued to build what we may 
call the traditional American car. In- 
deed, 1 will go so far as to say that the 
American automobile industry as we 
have known it cannot survive if it contin- 
ues to build what has come to be regard- 
ed as the traditional American car.” 

Myron Goldman, the banker, raised 
his hand. “Can the company afford t 
thing, Mr. Perino?” 

“The financing is in place, sir,” said 
Angelo. “Some money from New York, 
some from London.” 

The directors smiled and nodded. 
There were no more questions. 

“Do we have, then, a unanimous 
vote?” asked Loren. 

He had it. 

Loren nodded dramatically. It was al- 
most a bow. “So,” he said. "Our company 
is off on a new venture.” 

He went on. “I have hired consultants 
who specialize in product and corporate 
names. They've been damned success- 
ful, also in creating logos. They've got an 
idea that X isan intriguing letter. Exxon. 
Xerox. And so on. So, ladies and gentle- 
men, here is what theyve come up 
th 
The corporate lawyer pulled the cover 
off a sheet standing on an easel. 

XB STALLION 

Loren shone with pleasure. “The new 
corporate name, ladies and gentlemen: 
XB Corporation, and the new name for 
our new car” 

The board drank champagne before it 
disbanded. “Well,” Loren said to Angelo, 
“we bet the store. All I сап say to you is 
don't plan on my going down and your 
surviving. If I go down, you come with 
me.” 

“And vice versa,” said Angelo. 
I wouldn't have it any other way.” 


ROBIN QUIVERS (continued fom page 146 


1 get into expensive luxuries, too. Diamonds are fun. 
I hate when men give women practical gifts. 


breasts are lovely now. I think my doctor 
is an artist. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: You've said you would marry a 
man who is like a cat. Are you attract- 
ed to Siamese, Persian or tabby? 

QUIVERS: It has nothing to do with the 
breed of cat. It's the cat's attitude. Cats 
are independent, self-sufficient and very 
cool. Low-maintenance. When I walk in- 
to the house, my cats aren't chomping at 
the bit because they missed me. They tell 
me when they want affection, and when 
they don't they let me know. It doesn't 
mean they're angry or that they don't 
love me. When І don't want to be both- 
егей with them, I can do the same thing 
and they don't hold a grudge. I have two 
oriental shorthairs and a Heinz 57 gar- 
den variety, and I have опе who is most- 
ly Maine coon. He's a huge cat. He is my 
first cat and the one who made me fall in 
love with cats. He is the kind who goes, 
“It’s all right for me to just be in the 
same room with you. I don't have to be 
lying on you. I don't have to be licking 


you. You don't have to acknowledge my 
presence. But I'm here for you if you 
need me.” Every once in a while, he'll 
walk up and say, “I want a rub now." 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Howard recently said on the air 
that your love life resembles a Vulcan's— 
sex once every seven years. Your ге- 
sponse was: “Because of listening to you 
guys, І haven't had sex in a long time.” 
Do you maintain a no-date policy among 
co-workers and guests? 

Quivers: If you're looking among this 
group, you can find a number of reasons 
not to bother. ГІ date guys if I like them. 
I don't care where they come from. 1 
told Clarence Clemons of the E Street 
Band that 1 don't date guests because 1 
was trying to get out of dating him and 1 
wanted to be пісе. 


19. 


pLaveov: Do you really want to thank 
Oprah Winfrey for teaching you how to 
treat yourself well? 

quivers: I’m sure that Oprah has many 


things to teach. She was one of the first 
people I've heard talk about doing good 
things for yourself. She mentioned bub- 
ble baths by candlelight, and I thought, 
Why didn't I think of that? That became 
a nightly routine. I would end my 
evening with candlelight and a bubble 
bath, listening to beautiful music. That 
was my time of the day, and it was very 
healing, refreshing, restorative. I do get 
into the more expensive luxuries, too. 
Diamonds are awfully fun. I don't think 
guys understand. I don’t understand 
everything about men, so why should 
they have to understand everything 
about women? I hate when men give 
women practical gifts. You don't want to 
give a woman a vacuum cleaner and tell 
her it’s a present. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: Is dead air the worst nightmare 
of any broadcaster? 

quivers: There's plenty of dead air. Kato 
Kaelin was hired by our Los Angeles sta- 
tion to do an air shift. Howard and I 
talked with him, and at one point we 
were just sitting there thinking, and Ka- 
to started to talk. I said, “It’s all right, 
Kato. Don't go by the rule that there's no 
such thing as good dead air.” Too many 
stupid things are said because everybody 
is trying to avoid dead air. 


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A L | C € (continued from page 122) 


"Bill's bigger,” confided Alice in a whisper, "but he 
hasn't your finesse, Peter darling.” 


were embracing and holding him while 
he moved with vigorous thrusts of his 
hips. "Peter!" cooed Alice, and "Alice!" I 
cooed back—and somehow her weight 
was upon me, her legs spread far apart, 
and she took me into herself. 

In the course of time we sat up again 
and looked about. The other two were 
sitting up, smiling at us. We were discov- 
ered! In our excitement we had moved 
so that our former shelter no longer con- 
cealed us. Strange to say, Alice did not 
seem concerned. Either she was accus- 
tomed to intimate acts of love with oth- 
ers—which I really do not believe—or 
else she saw at once that we must make 


the best of the situation and, perhaps, 
improve it. At any rate, she laughed 
quite gaily and stood up, shaking her 
skirt down to where it belonged. I stood 
up, too, but not so easily, as my trousers 
needed attention. 

The other man called out, “What 
luck?" “Fine,” I said, “a bull's-eye!" Alice 
laughed again. “Same here,” he an- 
swered, stepping nearer. “My name's 
Bill.” "Mine's Pete.” And we shook 
hands. I presented Alice. She shook 
hands. “Gladys,” said Bill, “here's Pete 
and Alice. Come and get acquainted.” 
So, all introduced, we sat down, Bill and 
Gladys on either side of me, and Alice on 


“Wait a minute! Didwt I break my New Year's resolutions 
with you last year?” 


the other side of Bill. We talked a bit, 
about anything but the events of the past 
hour. But after a time, conversation 
waned, Bill was whispering to Alice, so I 
began to whisper to Gladys. What 1 said 
was of no importance to the other two, 
but it made Gladys laugh, with her eyes 
shining. Furthermore, she put out her 
hand to see if what I had told her was 
true. Finding that it was, she seemed 
satisfied and lay back, smiling enticingly. 
Somehow I found that I was embracing 
her naked legs. Bill did not seem to 
care—he was doing the same to Alice! 

It was most interesting, to play this 
way with another man's sweetheart while 
the other man played with mine. There 
Тау Alice, who had just given me a deli- 
cious half hour, doing the same for Bill, 
and believe me, I knew that Bill was 
lucky! And here lay Gladys, who had giv- 
en herself to Bill not long before—and 
believe me, I soon knew that both Bill 
and J were lucky, twice! 

Gladys was not so voluptuously 
formed as Alice, but she knew her part 
and made every movement һауе the 
meaning that it should. Her little breasts 
were just as satisfactory to my hands and 
lips as Alice's fuller ones, and she re- 
sponded just as delightfully to the skill- 
ful touch of my fingers. She was all 
woman, and she ended by giving me a 
most glorious moment as I scored anoth- 
er bull's-eye. Unless all signs failed, 
Gladys received as much pleasure from 
my success as I did. Bill scored his sec- 
ond center shot at almost the same time. 
Both girls were flushed and radiant. 

“Bill's bigger,” confided Alice in a 
whisper as she nestled up against me, 
“but he hasn't your finesse, Peter dar- 
ling. But it was wonderful to get that 
twice—oo-oo-oh!" Gladys was whisper- 
ing to Bill, and I heard his heavier voice 
whisper back, “I'm glad you liked it, 
honey,” so I guessed that Gladys told 
him she had been pleased. 

Bill produced some liquid refresh- 
ment. I don't drink much, but it was aw- 
fully good whiskey, and the glass went 
around among the four of us several 
times. The girls got just a little drunk, 
and I began to get interested again. 
There is something about taking a girl 
who is just a bit intoxicated that is most 
fascinating. Even the ardent ones be- 
come just a bit more so, and the move- 
ments of a girl on the way to becoming 
drunk are most wanton. 

It wasn't so very long before all of us, 
stimulated a bit, were huddled in a most 
intimate group. The girls lay all over us 
two men and kissed us with wet lips. We 
fondled them and kissed them, on the 
lips and on the nipples of their breasts, 
which they had left bare. The whiskey 
and these caresses soon had their effect. 
“Pete, what's that?” Alice exclaimed, and 
made her eyes round with mocking 
amazement. For there it was again, as 
large as ever. “Gladys, see what I found, 


see what 1 found!” Alice called as she un- 
fastened my trousers and held her dis- 
covery in her hand. Gladys, without a 
word, unbuttoned Bill and took out 
what she found. No doubt about it, Bill's 
was bigger. But the girls were cach 
satisfied —I know we all four laughed at 
the picture: two very pretty girls, some- 
what flushed with whiskey, their breasts 
bare, each sitting beside a recumbent 
man and holding in her hand something 
she never could claim as her own except 
when a man gave it to her. We all took 
another drink. 

Alice was getting very gay and her 
kisses more and more amorous. She 
handled me lovingly and called me, or 
that part of me which her hand held, all 
sorts of amusing names. But I was sur- 
prised when, with a sudden change of 
position, she put her head down and be- 
gan to kiss it. Gladys immediately did the 
same to Bill. We two men lay there 
awhile, too contented to speak, and 
watched our sweethearts kiss and suck 
us. Alice knew how to use her mouth! I 
have often wondered and have never 
found out where and how she learned it. 

Neither man nor woman could stand 
that for long. Gladys curled around and 
got her leg over Bill, and Alice imitated. 
I soon felt her, after a bit of rubbing, 
slide down upon me, hot and moist. The 
girls rode us so and rubbed upon us as 
we bounced them with our knees and 
hips. They laughed and exclaimed and 
crooned and cooed, each holding the 
other's hand as they jounced about, side 
by side on their willing mounts. They 
must have given each other some signal, 
for both sat erect at almost the same mo- 
ment with that look of wondering de- 
light that lovers love to see on their 
sweethearts faces, and then collapsed to- 
gether, gasping, as Bill and I rang ир 
our third bull's-eyes! 

It was now getting pretty late. We all 
promised to meet again and went our 
ways. On the road home, sitting with her 
head against my shoulder as I drove, Al- 
ice made the most extraordinary remark 
1 had ever heard from her lips: “Pete, 
I'm fucked to a frazzle!” Perhaps she was 
then, but after a couple of cocktails and 
dinner at her house (her husband being 
away), she invited me to her room, and 
there, on her own bed, and both of us all 
naked this time, at her own request I— 
well, the lady used the word first— 
fucked her again! 

And as she lay there, stretched out so 
beautifully and happily naked when І 
kissed her goodnight and goodbye, she 
murmured tenderly, “Four times in one 
day, each time a wonder, but, Peter dar- 
ling, the last was the best!” And as I recall 
her naked body in my arms, every fiber 
leaping with passionate desire, I still 
think it was the best. 


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jelebrate the pleasures of the 
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¿SCIENCE 


—AUTOMATICS FOR THE PEOPLE — 


pting for the convenience of an automatic camera 
once meant sacrificing creativity—but not anymore. 
New 35mm point-and-shocters now combine the 
quick-and-easy functions you expect from an automat- 
ic (no-fuss focus, electronic exposure, instant rewind, etc.) with in 
novations that expand your photo opportunities. Variable lens sys- 


tems, for example, let you switch views from superwide to pano- 
ramic. For greater range, Samsung's ECX 1 (pictured below) offers 
the longest zoom lens available at 38 to 140 millimeters. And for 
photo buffs who prefer high-quality 120 or 220 film (the stuff the 
pros use), Fuji introduces the first auto-focus medium-format point: 
and-shoot camera—a no-brainer that comes with a pop-up flash. 


Clockwise from top left: Samsung's ECX 1 camera features a 38mm to 140mm zoom lens, a panoramic function, a liquid crystal display and 
sleek styling by Porsche Design, $500. Nikon's titanium-bodied 28Ti has a 28mm wide-angle {/2.8 Nikkor lens, a digital viewfinder and an ana- 
log display on the top of the camera, $1380. The groundbreaking Fuji GA645 Professional includes a 60mm (/4 lens 

and both automatic and manual exposure modes, $1819. Ricoh's pocket-size R1 camera features a dual- 

lens system for taking photos in superwide angle, panoramic and standard perspectives, $300. 


Where & How to Buv on page 179. 


GRAPEVINE 


Overalls Over Asia 


The lovely ASIA is a model who's been on the cover of America Rodder mag. 
azine (this past June), in Men's Sports 1994 winter edition and in an Italian 
magazine. Get the Cuestick calendar for 1996—Asia is Miss April Pool Girl. 
But first she's Grapevine's. 


Lora-Lyn 
Cues 

Us In 
LORA-LYN PE- 
TERSON was in 
Demolition Man 
and Mobsters al 
the movies, on 
TV's Baywatch 
Nights and in a 
couple of videos 
on MTV. Now 
she's taking her 
best shot. 


Live and in Person 
LIVES CD Throwing Copper has sold more than 
5 million copies and reached number one on the 
Charts. Headlining a sold-out summer tour, they 
performed new, unrecorded songs. While you wait 
198 for the next album, live it up. 


You Gotta 
Have Friends 
JENNIFER ANIS- 
TON, who plays 
Rachel on the hot 
NBC-TV show 
Friends, will sure- 
ly make some 
new friends with 
this photograph. 
Men do make 
passes at girls 
who wear glasses. 
Jennifer knows. 


Spiderman 
Is JOHN LEGUIZAMO funny? Did you see his 
one-man show, Spic-O-Rama? How about his 
drag turn with Wesley Snipes and Patrick 
Swayze in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, 
Julie Newmar? Look for him next in Steven Sea- 
gal's Executive Decision. It's a change of pace. 


Waterworld 
TINA WILSON can be found in bathing suit calendars and Easyrider 


magazine, but you can also see her in the video 
Bust & Buns and on the CD-ROM 
Surfin’ Sam. Tina's in the swim. 


Smokin’ 
‘Two kings of comedy, BILLY CRYSTAL and MILTON 
BERLE, met at a benefit. Billy’s been in Europe pro- 
moting Forget Paris, and Milton's made an Emmy- 
nominated guest appearance on Beverly Hills 
90210. Sometimes, а cigar is just a cigar. 


199 


200 


POTPOUR 


SOUTH WITH THE PARROTHEADS 


Travel By Design, a company in Miami that 
“caters to the adventurous, free-spirited travel- 
er,” is teaming up with Jimmy Buffett to create 
Parrothead travel packages. A tour tracing Buf- 
fett's adventures in Key West is now available. 
Forthcoming excursions include a weekend in 
Los Angeles, a jaunt around remote Caribbean 
islands and a “Changes in Latitude/Changes in 
Attitude” three-night cruise from Miami to the 
Keys. Cheeseburgers and margaritas are on the 
bill of fare. All tours include airfare and hotel 
accommodations. Call 800-358-7125. 


TEA PARTY 


When tea is poured at the Ritz-Carlton and 
Four Seasons hotels, it's probably Harney & 
Sons’ Darjeelings, oolongs and Assams that are 
in the cups. In fact, the Harney family of Salis- 
bury, Connecticut has embarked on a crusade 
to “sell great tea at a price that would make it 
an everyday luxury.” Harney's most expensive 
sip is Ceylon Vintage Silver Tips, which is made 
from tea buds that are picked just before they 
become leaves. Price: $20 for two ounces. A cat- 
alog costs $2 from 800-TEA-TIME. 


GLOVE ME TENDER 


The expression “laying on of hands” takes on a new meaning 
when you're wearing the Tsubo Glove, a massager that electroni- 
cally transmits vibrations to the user's fingertips. Of course, you 
can rub yourself or someone else the right way wearing a Tsubo, 
soothing soreness, aches and tension. But massages can be as fun 
to give as they are to get, and a Tsubo Glove doubles the orgas- 
mic possibilities. Dual oscillating motors coupled to two variable- 
speed control pods vibrate your right hand. Yes, it’s OK to use 
the Tsubo with lotions, because it's made of wet-suit material. 
Price: $50, from Well Spring Products at 800-444-9811. 


FOODIE FOR ALL AGES 


Auguste Escoffier cooked for the Prince of Wales, created Peach 
Melba for Dame Nellie Melba and catered to the culinary whims 
of Lillie Langtry. And when he died at the age of 88 in 1935 he 
was the world’s most famous chef. His life and scandalous times 
are described in Timothy Shaw's illustrated biography The World 
of Escoffier (Vendome Press). The book does include some of Es- 
coffier’s recipes. Price: $35. Call 800-288-2131 to order. 


LITERARY 
LEYENDECKER 


J.C. Leyendecker was Norman 
Rockwell's idol. But while Rock- 
well illustrated down-home 
America, Leyendecker was up- 
town. His men were handsome 
and well groomed, his women 
gorgeous and coiffed. Check out 
Leyendecker's work in American 
Illustrators Poster Book: The J.C. 
Leyendecker Collection, a 48-page 
14”x 10" softcover by Collectors 
Press. It's a look at some of his 
most dramatic work (“Tally-ho” 
is pictured here), along with a 
biographical text and photos of 
the artist. Price: $29 from 503- 
684-3030. A limited-edition $80 
hardcover is also available. 


SALSA AND CHIPS—TO GO 


We've featured clubs for chili peppers 
and hot sauces in Potpourri. This month 
we give equal time to heat seekers who 
want to toast their taste buds before din- 
ner. The Salsa n' Chips of the Month 
Club will ship a different salsa and bag of 
chips to your door for about $150 a year 
or $80 for six months. You also get a 
newsletter, Salsas From Around the World, as 
part of the deal. Call 800-468-7377. 


MARILYN’S STAMP OF APPROVAL 


Marilyn Monroe stamps are pretty hot. But you can zing up Mar- 
ilyn-franked letters even more with rubber stamps of “Happy 
Birthday, Mr. President” and Monroe-type lips. They are avail- 
able for $10 each from the Pennsylvania Stamp Co. at PO. Box 
314, Lancaster, Pennsylvania 17608. 1f Nixon is your man, an “I 
Am Not a Crook” rubber stamp is also available for the same 
price. A poster illustrating these and other stamps costs $3. 


NEIMAN ON THE GREENS 


For years LeRoy Neiman has been PLAY- 
BOY's quintessential sports artist, captur- 
ing with pen and paint the romance of 
competition from France to Australia. 
Last year, Neiman hit the links for Uni- 
verse Publishing to create the LeRoy 
Neiman Golf Courses 1996 wall calendar. It 
isa 12-month look at famous golf clubs, 


dadas АЕ реа ани res 
$11.95. Call 800-288-2131. VO OUR TOON 


From 1941 to 1965, Francis 
Wolff photographed the jazz 
greats who recorded for Blue 
Note. While some of his work 
appeared on Blue Note's LP 
covers, thousands of shots have 
never been published. То сог- 
тесі that situation, Rizzoli Inter- 
national has come out with The 
Blue Note Years: The Jazz Photogra- 
phy of Francis Wolff, a $65 coffee- 
table book containing more than 
200 photos of Miles Davis, John 
Coltrane, Hank Mobley (pic- 
tured here in negative) and oth- 
er masters of jazz. Plus, there's 
text that tells the history of the 
photos and Blue Note and a 
foreword by Herbie Hancock. 
Call 800-522-6657. 


201 


202 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


THE WEIRD ONE 


DEATH IN THE ANDES 


NAKED NIELSEN—VENTURE WITH WACKY ACTOR LESLIE 
NIELSEN INTO NEW REALMS OF INSANITY—NUDE! WITH 
WONDERFUL WOMEN! A VALENTINE EXTRAVAGANZA 


MEMO TO MICHAEL JACKSON—THE MARRIAGE TO LISA 
MARIE, THE DOUBLE ALBUM—HEY, MIKEY, NOTHING'S 
WORKING HERE, BABE. WE LEAK THE NEW PR CAMPAIGN 
TO SALVAGE THE WEIRD ONE'S IMAGE—HUMOR BY JOE 
QUEENAN 


THE WOMEN WHO WOULD ВЕ HILLARY—IT'S ANOTHER 
ELECTION YEAR AND WITH IT COMES THE PROSPECT OF— 
GASP—A NEW HILLARY. ERIC KONIGSBERG HANDICAPS 
THE HOPEFULS 


BRUCE WILLIS—HOLLYWOOD'S FUNKIEST FAMILY MAN IS 
RIDING A WAVE OF BOX OFFICE HITS AND REVELING IN 
THE GOOD LIFE—WITH A VENGEANCE. HE DEFENDS ON- 
SCREEN VIOLENCE, TALKS ABOUT POLITICS AND LIFE АТ 
HOME WITH DEMI AND THE KIDS IN A PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 
BY DAVID SHEFF 


ONLY THE BRAVE—THERE ISN'T A MORE ҒЕАН5ОМЕ 
SPORT THAN CANYONEERING, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S 
COLD AND DARK AND THE CANYON 15 FLOODING—HAIR- 
RAISING ADVENTURE BY MARK JENKINS 


NAKED NIELSEN 


COURTNEY LOVE—SHE IS THE BIGGEST, MOST NOTORI- 
OUS FEMALE ROCKER SINCE PATTI SMITH, BUT CAN THIS 
ONE-WOMAN MOSH PIT SURVIVE? A PLAYBOY PROFILE BY 
NEAL KARLEN 


HARRY WU THE OUTSPOKEN ACTIVIST WHO SPENT AL- 
MOST 20 YEARS IN CHINESE LABOR CAMPS POURS FORTH 
ON OPPRESSION, FOREIGN TRADE AS A GOVERNMENT 
TOOL AND THE FUTURE OF FRAGILE CHINESE-AMERICAN 
RELATIONS—A COMPELLING 20 QUESTIONS BY MORGAN 
STRONG 


DEATH IN THE ANDES—SENORA D'HARCOURT IS AN APO- 
LITICAL ENVIRONMENTALIST CONVINCED THAT THE TER- 
RORISTS WILL SHOW HER MERCY—FICTION BY THE GREAT 
PERUVIAN AUTHOR MARIO VARGAS LLOSA 


COMPUTER PRIVACY—WHO'S GETTING INTO YOUR FILES 
AND HOW? JUST HOW SAFE ARE YOUR SECRETS IN CY- 
BERSPACE? AN INTERVIEW WITH COMPUTER EXPERT AN- 
DRÉ BACARD. ALSO: HOW TO PROTECT YOUR PRIVACY IN 
THE DIGITAL AGE 


PLUS: CYBERFASHION: GOODBYE TO GRUNGE. CARS THAT 
PACK AFTER-MARKET THUNDER, CHAIRS YOU CAN'T AF- 
FORD AND AMERICA'S SEXIEST GLADIATOR, 2АР 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 


Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


1005, 16 mg “tar”. 12 mg. nicotine av per cigarette by FIC method