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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN 


WOMEN OF 
THE INTERNET 


чы 
APRIL 1996 $4.95 
SPECTACULAR 
SPRING 
PREVIEW ISSUE 
WHAT TO DRIVE, 
BUY, WEAR AND 
DO THIS SEASON 


MUTUAL FUND 
x MADNESS! 
HOW TO 
PICK THE 
WINNERS 


04 


073009550 


LY EY Y pne тару жасыта 


ES ЕНЕР 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


igarette by FTC method. 


© 1996 RJ. REYNOLDS TOBACCO СО. 


PLAYBOY 


let S face it. Your average car can only take you 


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Sure, it could hang іп a museum. But the Vulcan" 1500 Classic wasn't built tc stand 
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Compact шс. Cyberspace. VCR. HTML. Carbon fiber. Nafta. 
We live in a world that reinvents itself almost every day. We 
aren't afraid of change. In fact, we're responsible for it. We're 
the generation that rewrote the rules on sex, on play and 
fitness, on money and living well. We thrive on the new and 
innovative. As Hef writes in Playboy 2000, we perk up and take 
note when the walls come tumbling down. Hef, by the way, 
celebrates his own transition: This month he turns 70. 

Our partial tribute to innovation is a special treat this issue: 
the first-ever Playboy Spring Preview. Starting off, Jamie Mala- 
newski hails our fondness for creative chaos in What's New. 
Onc of thc topics he touches upon is memetics, the hot pop 
craze by which critics trace the cvolution of ideas that move 
cultures and shape the future. Malanowski is an old hand at 
imagining the unthinkable: He once wrote a play about what 
would happen if Michael Eisner were elected president. 

For this preview issue, we assembled a crack team of 
memeticians. Jonathan Takiff looks at the spring lineup of hard- 
ware—split-screen TVs, digital video cameras, minisystems 
with maximum sound. In fashion, Hollis Wayne reveals that 
everything old is cool again. (Photographer Chuck Baker cap- 
tured the incredible threads.) Elsewhere, Donald Charles 
Richardson gives the lowdown on grooming, and David Standish 
steers you toward hot new vacation spots. A man who traveled 
for nonvoluntary reasons is Salman Rushdie. Author of the ac- 
claimed Satanic Verses and the recent Moor' Last Sigh, Rushdie 
was deemed to have blasphemed Islam. When Iran's Ayatol- 
lah Khomeini slapped a bounty on his head, the writer went 
into hiding. He emerged for a compelling interview with Con- 
wributing Editor David Shett. 

Want to sign on for a virtual-reality vacation? Sample In the 
Upper Room by Terry Bisson, who has won science fiction's high- 
est awards, the Hugo and the Nebula. His story (illustrated by 
Istvan Banyai) follows a slacker (“I quit my job, not my vaca- 
tion”) on a search that includes a Victoria's Secret clone. If 
your taste runs more to the here and now, we offer our own 
probe of cybersensuality in Women of the Internet 

Not everyone thrives on change. Jonathan Franklin had a 
dose of virtual reality in the trenches of Pat Buchanan’s presi- 
dential campaign, handing out bumper stickers, eating old 
pizzas and comparing notes with gun-toting volunteers. Read 
Inside Buchanan’s Bunker. Mind you, we don't dislike conserva- 
tives. A conservative is often simply a guy who thinks he could 
put the money he carns to better use than Uncle Sam docs. Bill 
Maher—who is covering the 1996 election for Comedy Cen- 
tral—describes the birth pangs of The Reluctant Conservative (il- 
lustrated by Mark Ulriksen). Maher's irreverent cable show, Po- 
litically Incorrect, is slated to follow Nightline on ABC next ycar. 

In court, no one is more sincere than the buckskin barrister, 
Gerry Spence. If you're opposed to big government, Spence is 
your man. Randy Weaver's case was the latest to showcase 
Spence's talents—and ego. Harry Jaffe paid a memorable visit 
to the wild man of Wyoming. Robert S. Wieder just wants to live 
long and prosper, but if forced to pick one, he would opt 
for the latter, A professional skeptic and occasional stand-up 
comedian, Wieder reveals that—surprise Everything You've 
Heard About Mutual Funds Is Wrong. (Thomas Sciacca did the art.) 
Contributing Editor Devid Rensin, meanwhile, gets answers for 
20 Questions from up-and-coming actor Michael Madsen. 

By the time you finish this issue, the whole world may have 
shifted. One minute Tammi Alexander is Kelsey Grammer's 
fiancée, then they've split up, then they're back together. Isn't 
change great? 


PLAYBILL 


Б 


MALANOWSKI 


WAYNE 
" 


FRANKLIN 


ГА 
WIEDER SCIACCA RENSIN 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), April 1996, volume 43, number 4. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-class postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmas 


ter: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. E-mail: еди 


(Aplayboy.com. 5 


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LAYBOY. 


vol, 43, no. 4—april 1996 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL с ОАА f аа 5 
DEAR PLAYBOY.. с; UT еее 11 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 15 
MUSIC 17 
WIRED fae spies: ПАВ 20 
MOVIES она E 22.2... BRUCE WILLIAMSON 25 
VIDEO Ба SER 28 
BOOKS mn ‚ 195 ТОЕТ Н ....DIGBY DIEHL 29 
MEN Been ere od БЕРІ + más B ASABABER 30 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR a3 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM Е сар 37 
PLAYBOY 2000—editoricl .. Zee HUGH M. | HEFNER 47 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: SALMAN RUSHDIE candid conversation...... 49 
WHAT'S NEW—orticle JAMIE MALANOWSKI 64 
TAMMI AND THE BACHELOR—pictorial 5 69 
INSIDE BUCHANAN'S BUNKER—article. . . 2 JONATHAN FRANKLIN 74 
CUTE AS А BUG—cors es Sce Y posa 78 
EVERYTHING YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT Cyberdating 


MUTUAL FUNDS IS WRONG—article 


& ..ROBERTS. WIEDER 80 
SPRING & SUMMER FASHION FORECAST—fashion 


HOLLIS WAYNE 84 


THE RELUCTANT CONSERVATIVE—- opinion ...... es BILL MAHER 63 
VIRTUALLY GILLIAN—playboy's playmate of the month .............. sa 
PARTY JOKES—humor 2 ct 106 
THE LONG HOT SUMMER—grooming DONALD CHARLES RICHARDSON 108 
IN THE UPPER ROOM—fiction = с ....TERRYBISSON 110 
PLAYMATE REVISITED: LILLIAN MÜLLER AS sort тіз 
PASSPORT TO ROMANCE—travel ER: DAVID STANDISH 118 BEES) 
PLAYBOY GALLERY: HELMUT NEWTON à 121 
GERRY SPENCE: BUCKAROO BARRISTER—playboy profile. . HARRY JAFFE 122 
FLAMING ASSETS—modern living р РО 124 
WOMEN OF THE INTERNET—pictorial Зорро TE 128 
OVER-THE-TOP ELECTRONICS—modern living......... JONATHAN TAKIFF 140 
20 QUESTIONS: MICHAEL MADSEN Fy O TES за 
WHERE & HOWTOBUY............... RR RER ane ES 


PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 


COVER STORY 

December 1995 Playmote Samantha Torres appears to be ready for the com- 
ing millennium. Senior Photo Editor Jim Larson produced our forward-looking 
cover, which was styled by Karen Lynn ond Violet Worzecha and shot by Con- 
tributing Photographer Stephen Waydo. Pot Tomlinson styled Samantho’s hair 
ond makeup ond Associate Ar! Director Kristin Korjenek designed the cover. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; FICTION: 
ALICE K. TURNER editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PE- 
TERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE assistant 
editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edi- 
tor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; STAFF: BRUCE 
RLUGER senior editor; CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO, 
BARBARA NELLIS associate editors; FASHION: 
HOLLIS WAYNE director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES 
assistant editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY 
editor; COPY: LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN 
BUSHMAN. assistant editor; ANNE SHERMAN copy 
associale; CAROLYN BROWNE, REMA SMITH Senior 
researchers; LEE BRAUER, SARI WILSON researchers; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. KEVIN 
СООК, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN 
GROSS (automotive), CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WILLIAM 
HELMER, WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO. JOE 
MORGENSTERN, REG POTTERTON, DAVID RENSIN, 
DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, MORGAN STRONG. 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENEK associate director; ANN SEIDL supervi- 
зо, heyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN, MAIRE KENNEDY 
ar assistants 


PHOTOCRAPHY 
MARILYN GRAROWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR- 
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET associate editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT. 
BETH MULLINS assistant editors; DAVID CHAN. 
RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUI. 
DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR. 
STEPHEN АУРА contributing photographers; 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; TIM HAWKINS manager, 
photo archive 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS direclor; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO. RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate managers 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ Communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ле RENZULL advertising director; JUDY BERK. 
owrrz national projects director; KIM 1. PINTO 
sales director, eastern region; IRV KORNBLAU mar- 
keling director; LISA NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER- 
RONES rights & permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


| HL u 
UE oa В. 


niesen дыра 
doe 


MAN’S GUIDE DIAMONDS 


ARE YOU one of the TWO MILLION 
victims of engagement ring anxiety? 


@ Relax. Guys simply are not supposed to 
know this stuff. Dads rarely say “Son, let's talk 
diamonds? 

Ө But it's still your call. So read on. 

Ө Spend wisely. It's tricky because no two 
diamonds are alike. Formed in the earth millions 
of years ago and found in the most remote 
corners of the world, rough diamonds are sorted 
by DeBeers' experts into over 5,000 grades 
before they go on to be cut and polished. So be 
aware of what you are buying. Two diamonds of 
the same size may vary widely in quality. And if 
a price looks too good to be true, it probably is. 
@ Learn the jargon. Your guide to quality and 
value is a combination of four characteristics 
called The 4Cs. They are: Gut, not the same as 
shape, but refers to the way the facets or flat 
surfaces are angled. A better cut offers more 
brilliance; Co/or, actually, close to no color is 
rarest; Clarity, the fewer natural marks or 
"inclusions" the better; Carat weight. the 
larger the diamond, usually the more rare. 

@ Determine your price range. What do you spend on the one woman in the world who is smart enough 
to marry you? Most people use the /wo months salary guideline. Spend less and the relatives will talk. Spend 
more, and they'll rave. 
© Watch her as you browse. Go by how she reacts, not by what she says. She may be reluctant to tell 
you what she really wants. Then once you have an idea of her taste, don't involve her in the actual 
purchase. You both will cherish the memory of your surprisc. 
@ Find a reputable jeweler, someone you can trust to ensure you're getting a diamond you can be proud 
of. Ask questions. Ask friends who've gone through it. Ask the jeweler you choose why two diamonds that 
look the same are priced differently. Avoid Joe's Mattress & Diamond Discounters. 

Ө Learn more. For the booklet, “How £o buy diamonds you'll be proud to give; call the American Gem Society, 
representing fine jewelers upholding gemological standards across the U.S., at 800-341-6214. 

© Finally, think romance. And don’t compromise. This is one of life’s most important occasions. You want 
a diamond as unique as your love. Besides, how else can two months’ salary last forever? 


Diamond Information Center 
Sponsored by De Beers Consolidated Mines, Ltd., Est. 1888. 
A diamond is forever DeBeers 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


бё NORTH LAKE SHORE ORIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPBGOPLAYBOLCOM. 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR OAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


INTERVIEW 

I loved your January interview with 
Johnny Depp. I once thought he was a 
shallow TV brat, but his smart, risky 
choices have changed my opinion. How 
can I not like someone who's afraid of 
John Davidson? 


Chris Robinson 
Oakland, California 


Thanks a lot for the interview with 
Johnny Depp. He's as normal as the 
rest of us. 105 unfortunate that the 
media have made him out to be such a 
bad guy. 

Mark Allen 
Missoula, Montana 


Johnny Depp? It's more like Johnny 
Dipp. 
Bobby Spaid 
Capitola, California 


I commend Mr. Depp for not allowing 
his head to swell and especially for re- 
taining his sense of humor. He had me 
laughing so hard I actually fell out of 
my chair. Johnny, if you are reading this, 
next time you use a pseudonym, try 
using Mike Hunt. That gets a laugh or 
two when they page it. Stick to your 
principles and keep making the movies 
you want. 

Neal Ross 
Rimini, Italy 


ing to lend my support to 
Cynthia Heimel, unwitting victim of the 
date rape graphically described in her 
Women column “Sex and How to Get It” 
(January). Although she initiated an en- 
counter with the oafish Andrew, Heimel 
exercised her prerogative and said no. 
Despite repeated protestations, she was 
brutalized. Keep the faith, Cynthia, and 
someday you'll find a sensitive man who 
will respect your feelings. 

Marc Andrews 

Los Angeles, California 


Cynthia Heimel exploded the feminist 
myth that when a woman says no she al- 
ways means no. 

David Senger 
Toronto, Ontario 

She never actually said no. She feigned a 
lack of interest in such an obvious way that 
Andrew got her real message 


Cynthia Heimel has a strong female 
voice. I want to know exactly what 
women want from us men and Га like to 
thank her for being brave enough to 
give it to us straight. 
Joshua Furr 
<JFURR@indiana.edu 
Bloomington, Indiana 


Congratulations to Cynthia Heimel 
for telling dhe whole world she's getting 
laid a lot. I'm glad to see such activity has 
not compromised her usual whining. I 
sympathize with her night at the male 
revue, though. I used to perform in 
them, and it wasn't as much fun as 1 
thought it would be, for exactly the rea- 
sons she described. Still, it was not so hor- 
rible, either. She just didn't belong there. 
Mike Kimball 
mkimball@xolotl.lib.utah.edu 
Salt Lake City, Utah 


VICTORIA FULLER 
1 vote for Playmate Victoria Fuller (Art 
Throb, January) and her views on recy- 
cling, old people and cool cars. 
Keefa Malinowska 
Pomona, New Jersey 


THE WORM TURNS. 

Iwas reading my January issue when I 
turned the page to find, much to my dis- 
may, a picture of Dennis Rodman naked 
(Bad Boy of Basketball). I'm not much of a 
sports fan, so I didn't read the profile, 
but even if I were a basketball fanatic, I 
wouldn't have been able to stomach 
nude photos of him. 

Jim Corrigan 
Wilmington, North Carolina 


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PLAYBOY 


Oh. yeah. now I remember why I 
started subscribing to PLAYBOY 12 years 
ago—to see Dennis Rodman’s bare ass, 
not Pam Anderson's. 

Paul Levesque 
West Warwick, Rhode Island 


Thanks for the wonderful article 
about a guy who has the guts to live life 
by his rules. Rodman plays hard and 
he’s a great defender and rebounder. We 
should focus on his achievements on the 
court and not worry too much about 
the rest. 

Brian Ruschli 
Clemson, South Carolina 


I find your presentation of Dennis 
Rodman and nude male movie stars dis- 
tasteful. Give me the good old days when 
all the pictorials featured beautiful 
women. 

‘Thomas Earl Wright 
Camas, Washington 


ТП bet you got a lot of grief for pub- 
lishing nude pictures of Dennis Rod- 
man. But you won't hear any complaints 
from me. It shows some guts anda sense 
of humor. And if objectors bothered to 
read the piece, they should have come 
away from it respecting Rodman's 
attitude, 

Janice Kerr 
New York, New York 


PAMELA 

PLAYBOY has made an art form out of 
showing the beauty of the woman next 
door. In my opinion, Pam Anderson's 
photos (The Power of Pamela, January) 
show a high-priced model who is simply 


furthering her career. 1 think we have 
seen enough Pamela pictorials by now to 
cover her completely. 
Patrick Gould 
Lakewood, Colorado 


Pamela Anderson is truly a goddess. 
As my husband always says, “Tommy 
Lee is a lucky bastard.” We are anxiously 
awaiting covers number seven, eight, 
nine and so on. 

Bridie Frescoln 
Mountain Home, Idaho 


rLAYBOY has done it again. One look at 
the Pam Anderson pictorial and I'm still 
panting. I would give anything to be 
Tommy. 
D. Handy 
Bakersfield, California 


20 QUESTIONS 
Robin Quivers is an attractive, hip and 
obviously smart woman (20 Questions, 
January). So what's she doing with 
Howard Stern? Laughing all the way to 
the bank. 
Mike Smith 
Chicago, Illinois 


DICK CLINIC 

I'm grateful to D. Keith Mano (The 
Dick Clinic, January) for having the guts 
to undergo the journalistic equivalent of 
appearing on The Tonight Show to discuss 
his erectile problems. I'm a guy who can 
relate, If I had made the same appoint- 
ment, maybe I would have made it to 
the office, maybe a doctor would have 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


recommended similar treatment and 
maybe I'd have tried it. Then again, 
might have kept right on putting it off. 
On behalf of 20 million affected Ате 
cans and their partners, I'd like to thank 
Mano for a helpful article. 

Bill Roberts 

Louisville, Kentucky 


BASKETBALL PREVIEW 
As a University of Cincinnati fan, I'm 
surprised you rank Michigan above the 
Bearcats (College Basketball Preview, Janu- 
ary). Don't underestimate the ability of 
coach Bob Huggins to motivate his team. 
Bill Wallace 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


Why is Kentucky Wildcat coach Rick 
Pitino rolling around in an Armani suit 
like a madman? Because once again he 
has failed to meet everyone’s expecta- 
tion of winning the national cham 
onship. No way should Kentucky be rat- 
ed as the number one preseason team. 
You guys really goofed this time. 

Richard Gomez 
Denver, Colorado 


REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK 

Robert Scheer must have a giant 
crease on his ass from sitting on the 
fence. The real lesson, which Scheer 
completely missed in his essay ("What 
We Learned at Ruby Ridge,” January), is 


that the government targets people with 
lethal force simply because of their poli- 
tics. The crime is merely an excuse. But 
beware, because the next target may 
turn out to be you. 
William Ross 
Danby, Vermont 


Randy Weaver may be a fascist, but 
he's also a father who loved his family 
and tried his best to support them. 
When Scheer compares Weaver to the 
likes of Timothy McVeigh and David Ko- 
resh, he steps way the hell out of line. I 
don't think that Weaver ever harmed a 
soul. Furthermore, no one has any rea- 
son to believe that he was holding his 
family hostage at Ruby Ridge. We should 
all be enraged by the federal govern- 
ment's conduct. 

Zach Michaelis 
Hammond, Oregon 


Robert Scheer doesn't get it. The out- 
rageous acts committed by the federal 
government didn't end with Randy 
Weaver and his family. The feds then 
tried to whitewash what had happened. 
Scheer shouid stop blaming the victims 
and demand that the federal agents re- 
sponsible be brought to justice. 

Mark Hoadley 
Johnstown, Pennsylvania 


After reading "What We Learned at 
Ruby Ridge," I am reminded of that 


great line from a Clint Eastwood movie: 
"Opinions are like assholes. Everybody 
has one." 
Lee Heritier 
Linwood, Michigan 


Your January Raw Data section says 
that 90 percent of Americans don't know 
anyone in a militia. Therefore, how can 
Weaver and Koresh be martyrs to a sig- 
nificant group of us? The vast majority 
of us abhor the beliefs of those two. But 
in our society, we can think what we want 
until we break the law. If we do break the 
law, we should be able to expect fair due 
process. The FBI and the ATF grossiy 
overreacted. 


Craig Bertolett 
Austin, Texas 


LOYAL TO THE END 
1 just broke up with the woman in my 

life. We were a case of opposites attract- 
ing. She was conservative in almost ev- 
ery way and I am just to the right of a 
bleeding-heart liberal. The differences 
were exciting for a while, Then reality 
set in: She started to criticize my parent- 
ing, politics, cooking, clothes and auto- 
mobile. But the last straw was when she 
criticized PLAYBOY. She's history and I'm 
renewing for another year. 

Zack Hilliard 

Fort Worth, Texas 


Er 


i one verona y 
CORN P а; -- 


“Mr. Jenkins infuses the poetry reading 
with a new energy as he recites his turgid 
and provocative ‘Ode to the Pimento!” 


ak NY 


ain Neural Spiris. ©1996 Schieffein & Somerset Co, New Y 


хода во) 100% Gr 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


BUTTE NAKED 


There will be goose bumps to match 
the moguls on the last day of the ski s 
son at Crested Butte Mountain Resort in 
Colorado. That's when local residents 
indulge in а racy tradition for ski bums 
nude skiing. In one of the largest dis- 
plays of the sport, skiers shuck their 
clothes at the top of the lift before 
schussing down the mountain. Gina 
Kroft, Crested Butte's spokeswoman, 
said it was forced to establish no-nude 
areas a few years ago because of the 
number of revelers and complaints 
about them. Similarly, managers of the 
Moon Bus—which travels down Elk Av- 
enue as skiers shove their butts out its 
windows—will try to make sure the vehi- 
cle doesn't become overloaded with ass- 
es. However, last year, radio jocks Fritz 
and Rico at the aptly named КВОТ cam- 
paigned for the ultimate show of Crest- 
ed booty with the cry “Let's overwhelm 
them with naked bodies!" 


на 


SHORT-TIMER 


Republican Doris Allen relinquished 
her position as speaker of the California 
Assembly and her seat after members of 
her own party successfully organized 
arecall vote. Allen had alienated the par- 
ty regulars by cutting a deal with Dem- 
ocrats and calling her colleagues “a 
group of power-mongering men with 
short penises.” 


MILLION MAN CALYPSO 


Before Louis Farrakhan was Louis 
Farrakhan he was known as Gene Wol- 
cott, musical pride of Boston’s West In- 
dian community. He started wowing 
crowds in 1949 as a violinist on radio's 
Ted Mack Amateur Hour, but it was his ca- 
lypso songs that carried a message. Like 
rap, calypso relies on extemporaneous 
speaking and singing. According to The 
Washington Post, Farrakhan was good; so 
good, in fact, that he was known as Ca- 
lypso Gene. The paper goes on to note 
that the song that best represents his 
style of political limbo, A White Man’s 
Heaven, includes this lilting lyric: 
“Though you are pregnant, black wom- 


an, you pull the plow/Like a horse, like a 
mule, sweat from your brow/He filled 
your womb with his wicked seed/His 
half-white children you were made to 
breed/Ah, my friends, it’s easy to 
tell/White man's heaven is black man's 
hell." OK, lower the bar again and we'll 
buy a round for everyone. 


THE BIG SNORE 


In a completely unrelated story, we 
note that Robert Mitchum—a man not 
without a sense of rhythm—recorded an 
album of his calypso favorites in the mid- 
Fifties called Calypso Is Like So. he 
American public apparently wasn't 
ready for the big guy's ditties and the 
album bombed. However, Caroline Rec- 
ords, known for producing the first al- 
bums of such bands as Hole, has rere- 
leased Mitchum's album and markets it 
to the alternative rock audience. 


WHERE THE TOYS ARE 


Vibrators and other sex toys, it turns 
out, aren't just the playthings of the 
young and promiscuous. According to a 
recent survey of 246 people, the typical 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


sex-toy user is a married, middle-class, 
thirty-something, Christian, Republican, 
white woman. Even medical writer 
Michael Castleman, who authored the 
survey, conducted by the Lawrence Re- 
search Group. vas surprised: "I thought 
the results would show [buyers] to be 
more liberal, for one thing, and some- 
what less monogamous." Perhaps it's 
time to rethink some popular assump- 
tions about married, middle-class, thirty- 
something, Christian, Republican, white 
women. If you're looking for action, con- 
sider a Dole for President fund-raiser. 


THE REAL MOLOTOV COCKTAIL 


Under Communist rule, one of the 
most popular Czech exports was its plas- 
ис explosive Semtex. In the post-Com- 
munist era, one of the most successful 
consumer products is a high-energy 
beverage of the same name. Semtex, 
the drink, is loaded with sugar and caf- 
feine and is especially appreciated by the 
younger crowd. A spokesman for the 
company says that the name inspires a 
feeling of "activity and motion." Yes, 
high-speed motion in every direction 
at once. 


STEERING COMMITTEE 


"The South Carolina legislature recent- 
ly considered whether to revise insur- 
ance rates for high-risk drivers even 
though 86 percent of licensed motorists 
in the state have clean ten-year driving 
records. Possible explanation: 75 per- 
cent of the legislators don't. 


CALLING DENNIS RODMAN 


This summer, six people representing. 
the U.S. will compete in the World 
Championship of Hairstyling in Wash- 
ington, D.C., which is expected to attract 
tens of thousands of hairstylists. Teams 
will compete in such grueling events as 
“business hair,” “nighttime social hair" 
and the ever slippery "progressive hair." 
There is also a closely watched techni- 
cal hairstyling event. In case you were 
wondering, the hairdressers parade in 
Olympic-style formation at the begin- 
ning of the competition and, after each 


RAW DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


QUOTE 

“I wish I could re- 
member, but chances 
are it was something 
like, "This is a test." 
Engineers, most of 
the time, are not po- 
EIS." —INTERNET PIO- 
NEER VINCENT CERF ON 
THE FIRST WORDS 
TRANSMITTED OVER 
THE NETWORK 


BELLIES UP. 

According to an 
October 1995 article 
in The Wall Street 
Journal, the percent- 
age increase in belly- 
button reconstruc- 
tions—a surgical, 
cosmetic body mod- 
ification that makes 
the navel more ver- 
tical, symmetrical, 
narrow and fashionable—in Japan 
during the past year: 375. 


SURGICAL SCRUBS 

In an on-site study of 493 doctors 
at a convention of the Infectious Dis- 
eases Society of America, percentage 
of male physicians who washed their 
hands after using the rest room: 56. 
Percentage of female physicians who 
washed: 87. 


TONE DEF 

According to Northern Telecom, 
number of hours per year the aver- 
age employee spends listening to 
voice mail and responding to pagers: 
302. Number of hours each day the 
average employee spends away from 
his or her desk: 2.5. 


PARIS SNATCH 
Number of American tourists who 
reported their passports as stolen in 
1993 in Milan: 190. In Florence: 418. 
In Amsterdam: 471. In Barcelona: 
535. In Rome: 723. In Madrid: 946. 
In London: 988. In Paris: 1053. 


FLY PAPER 
According to a report commis- 
sioned by United Airlines, percentage 
of people who look out a plane win- 


FACT OF THE MONTH 
According to The Great Food. 
Almanac, 12 percent of all the 
cola beverages bought in the 
U.S. are consumed with, or 
instcad of, breakfast. 


dow to try to spot 
their home: 45. Per- 
centage of those who 
are successful: 29. 
Percentage who nev- 
er visit the lavatory 
during a flight: 38. 
Percentage who say 
they visit the lavatory 
three times or more: 
4. Ratio of passen- 
gers who prefer 
peanuts to pretzels 
as an in-flight snack: 
2101. 


Í PALACE FOR PAGES 
According to Ameri- 
can School & Universi- 
ty magazine, the me- 
dian cost per student. 
of building a resi- 
dence hall for stu- 
dents: $29,600 in 
1993. The amount 

spent per student by the U.S. Senate 

to build a 30-bed dormitory and 
school for Senate pages: $264,200. 


TV MORALITY 
According to Electronic Media, num- 
ber of television stations nationwide 
that adopted a "family-sensitive news” 
format in 1994: 10. Number that lost. 
viewers after they deleted sexual or 
violent footage from newscasts: 8. 


CONSOLATION PRIZES 
According to the National Tax- 
payers Union, the annual govern- 
ment pension received by Gerald 
Ford: $248,000. By George Bush: 
$158,000. By House Speaker Tom Fo- 
ley: $123,800. By Representative Jim 
Wright: $137,274. By Representative 
Dan Rostenkowski: $96,462. By Sen- 
ator George Mitchell: $84,595. By 
Senator Dennis DeConcini: $55,669. 
By Senator Robert Packwood: 
$88,922. By Representative Donald 
"Buz" Lukens: $38,670. By Lieutenant 

Colonel Oliver North: $28,188. 


USA UNPLUGGED 
According to a study by O'Reilly & 
Associates, percentage of Americans 
who do not have access to the Inter- 
net: 98. —CHIP ROWE 


event, the flag of the winning team's 
country is proudly hoisted as its national 
anthem is played. 


BLUE-GREEN ANGEL 


Marlene Dietrich embodied sexual de- 
sire in her time, which may explain why 
Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of 
penicillin, felt particularly fond of her. 
He once sent hera gift of two petri dish- 
es that reportedly held part of the blue- 
green mold from which he derived the 
drug. They were inscribed: a TRIBUTE TO 
THE ONE AND ONLY MARLENE, THE MOLD 
THAT FIRST BROUGHT PENICILLIN TO LIGHT. 
Well, it beats flowers. The mold recently 
was auctioned for $19,800. 


CRYSTAL GLOBES 


Seems like the Wizard of Orbs placed 
this ad in a New York City personal col- 
umn: “PSYCHIC BREAST READER will reveal 
what the future holds! Now, for an un- 
limited time, this insightful SWM offers 
free. uplifting readings to qualified fe- 
males. Your career. happiness and ro- 
mance all brought out into the open and 
laid bare! Years of hands-on experience 
ensure your satisfaction.” 


SCRATCH AND STIFF 


Hats off to St. Louis’ Sigma Chemical 
Co., which has taken the fragrance busi- 
ness into an entirely new area. The com- 
pany has analyzed decaying human bod- 
ies and isolated a series of discernible 
scents. Among them are Pseudo Corpse, 
Pseudo Drowned Victim and Pseudo 
Distressed Body. The scents are used to 
train search-and-rescue dogs to identify 
people in peril. The scents range in 
price from a dollar per capsule to $25 
for an ampoule. Each smell, unlike the 
thing it imitates, is detectable only by 
dogs. Hmm, kind of like what Liz Tay- 
lor's peddling. 


THE POPE OF DOPE 


It had to happen department; The 
Associated Press reported that Jesus 
Malverde has become the patron saint of 
drug dealers in Culiacän, Mexico. Farm- 
ers have regularly worshiped icons of 
him in area buildings, bestowing him 
with the ability to help them grow and 
smuggle drugs. 


HORSE AND BOOGIE BLUES 


Noted with curiosity: Sure, we liked 
the movie Witness, but we were unpre- 
pared for the CD Barn to Be Wild by the 
Electric Amish, which arrived at our 
office a few weeks ago. It’s packed with 
songs to spoon by, including Come Togeth- 
er (and Build a Barn), Mennonite Girl and 
Black Bonnet Girls (“She can churn my 
butter any time”). You get the idea. The 
parody is affectionate, all right, but we 
would rather watch Kelly McGillis take a 
sponge bath any day. 


Calvin Klein 


a fragrance for a man or a woman 


Bloomingdale’s 


vele Corporation] Kane "ownnd by CKTT 


eau de toilette 


open fold for cKone for a man or a woman 


MUSIC 


RAP 


GANGSTA RAP has been attacked by reac- 
tionaries and media moguls. This is omi- 
nous politically, but musically it has 
served to undermine hip-hop as a pop 
phenomenon. On the one hand, we 
have Tha Dogg Pound’s impotently de- 
fiant Dogg Food (Death Row), which con- 
sists of unrepentantly crude sexual 
boasts and hedonistic fantasies over 
pleasurable grooves. On the other hand, 
hip-hop also includes Genius/GZA’s Liq- 
uid Swords (see below), the latest spinoff 
from Staten Island's Wu-Tang Clan. It's 
smart, strong, violent and hook-laden. 
Actually, both are pretty decent rec- 
ords, but it would be unreasonable to ex- 
pect novices to care. Coolio's Gangsta’s 
Paradise (Tommy Boy) is not only a supe- 
rior record, it also has some reach. Con- 
structed around a glorious Stevie Won- 
der sample and propelled to the charts 
as part of the Dangerous Minds sound- 
track, the title tune is a lament for the 
hood that stops safely this side of corny. 
Over likable beats, Coolio says believable 
stuff about love, family life and getting 
wasted every which way. And the video 
for Too Hot, a song about AIDS, is a most 
convincing condom commercial. 
—ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


‘The Genius/GZA's solo ettort, Liquid 
Swords (Geffen), possesses a maturity and 
political insight missing from efforts of 
younger members of the Clan. Backed 
by the resident producer of Wu-Tang, 
the Genius tempers his gangster tales 
with surprising references to God and 
retribution. —NELSON GEORGE 


R&B 


It's easy to identify the first must-have 
boxed set of 1996: People Get Ready: The 
Curtis Mayfield Story (Rhino), a three-disc 
extravaganza that rambles through 
Mayfield's performing career from his 
heyday in the Impressions to Superfly 
and after. A genius of soul, funk and 
falsetto and a fascinating guitar stylist, 
Mayfield ranks with Marvin Gaye, James 
Brown and Isaac Hayes among innova- 
tors who did the most to prepare today’s 
soundscape. 

Mayfield was also a first-rate record 
producer, as evidenced by Curtis May- 
field’s Chicago Soul (Legacy), which 
dudes tracks (not always hits) by Major 
Lance, Gene Chandler, Walter Jackson 
and other Chicago R&B acts of the Six- 
ties. The best of it is solid soul almost as 
entrancing as Curtis’ own work. 

Mayfield was paralyzed in a 1990 stage 
accident. But others continue in his 
style, including the artists on Rock-a-Mole 
Records Presents Los Angeles Underground, 


© 


Coolio's Paradise. 


Rap is more complex, the 
Stones are Stripped and Curtis 
Mayfield gets his propers. 


Volume 1 (Rock-a-Mole). Kicking off with 
a statement of purpose in African Drum 
Kick by Strokely With Brother Bank, it. 
is a living exhibition of the kind of 
black-Latino solidarity implicit in much 
of Mayfield's music. — AVE MARSH 


The most enjoyable soundtrack in 
years is Get Shorty (Antilles). It comes 
from Lounge Lizard (and actor) John 
Lurie. Call it instrumental mood music 
with an R&B bent. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Soul Train 25th Anniversary Hall of Fame 
(MCA) is the perfect desert island boxed 
set for R&B lovers. Smart selections 
from Aretha, Al Green, Stevie Wonder, 
the O'Jays and Boyz II Men add up to 
an almost flawless compilation. 

— VIC GARBARINI 


WORLD 


Any fans of funk or progressive R&B 
looking to expand their musical palates 
should try Salif Kcita's Folon (Mango/Is- 
land). The Malian superstar has a light, 
plaintive voice that inspires empathy 
and emotion. His lyrics reflect a sim- 
ple optimism—especially those of such 
songs as There (about the pleasures of 
storytelling and music) and Sumun (a 
parable about a gathering of animals dis- 
cussing the death of an elephant). 

Much more compelling for Western 
listeners will be the intricate layers of 
rhythm and harmony that Keita creates 


with his band. The tracks Mandjou, 
Nyanyama and Folon have driving, insis- 
tent rhythms that are counterpointed 
with strong vocals. Overall, the disc dis- 
plays a wonderful balance between tradi- 
tional ideas and the strutting style of the 
best African American dance music. 
—NELSON GEORGE 


ROCK 


Mick Jagger has spent the past 20 
years playing Peter Pan. When you've 
become a caricature of yourself, where 
can you go? The clichéd answer is back 
to your roots, and it sure works on 
Stripped (Virgin), the most satisfying 
Stones album in more than two decades. 
It helps that these semiunplugged coun- 
try blues numbers are mostly from Beg- 
gars Banquet and Exile on Main Street. Jag- 
ger sounds real. So is this a genuine 
rebirth? It's too soon to tell. But 
Stripped’s vibrant versions of Wild Horses 
and Sweet Virginia give you the hope that 
they may be able to carry this energy in- 
to the studio. --МІС GARBARINI 


Stomp 442 by Anthrax (Elektra) is one 
of the most overpowering hard rock al- 
bums of recent years. These guys are re- 
markable. And a personnel change has 
brought new drive, as is best exemplified 
on the ferocious opener, Random Acts of 
Senseless Violence. They work in a suppos- 
edly dying style—heavy metal—and re- 
vitalize it. John Bush's vocals show how 
much he's learned from his association 
with hip-hop and especially with the 
stentorian explosions of Chuck D. (Pub- 
lic Enemy toured and recorded with An- 
thrax.) While some may call Anthrax 
decadent, the band epitomizes commit- 
ment and consciousness. —DAVE MARSH 


With New Disease (RCA) the 1000 
Mona Lisas take a hard approach that 
should definitely attract young men in- 
terested in slam dancing and showing off 
their bruises. But under all that testos- 
terone-driven cacophony, you will find 
some unambiguous melodies and lyrics. 
Ivs hard to mistake the meaning of the 
song I'd Rather Die Than Have to Touch 
You. Be sure to stick around to the end, 
because the Mona Lisas have a habit of 
burying unlisted joke tracks. On their 
first release, EP, they hid a hilarious cov- 
er of Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta 
Know. On this album, it's Paul McCart- 
ney's Jet. Just be patient for a minute af- 
ter Change & Decipher. 

Of all the teen idols in the late Fifties 
who couldn't decide whether to be Elvis 
Presley or Frank Sinatra (even Elvis was 
ambivalent on that one), Bobby Darin 
stands way above the crowd, for both his 
talent and his range. Writing much of 


18 


FAST TRACKS 


ск 


Christgau 


Garborini 


METER 


6 


ГА 7 9 6 


Gongsto’s Parodise 


Salif Keita 
Folon 


1000 Mona Lisas 
New Disease 


2 
ze 
6 
Rolling Stones 
Stripped 8 


œ |o јо [so 


8 Ji 
6 7 
5 8 
8 9 


FIRST LANDERS, NOW MCLAREN DEPART- 
MENT: Ann Lenders got in trouble for 
taking an anti-Polish dig at the Pope. 
Now the government of Poland has 
hired former Sex Pistols manager Mal- 
colm McLaren to help with a campaign 
to make Poland hipper. Will tbe 
laughter never cease? 

REELING AND ROCKING: Garth Brooks is 
being paged to sing the national an- 
them in the new Robert De Niro-Wesley 
Snipes movie The Fan. . . . Cher will star 
in one of a trilogy of films for HBO 
called If These Walls Could Talk. She'll 
also make her debut as a director. 

NEWSBREAKS: A Wolfman Jack Park 
and Museum is expected to open this 
summer in North Carolina. The park 
will also have an amphitheater, ac- 
cording to the Wolfman's widow, Lou 
Smith. . . . The Bee Gees are writing 
new songs for a theatrical production 
of Saturday Night Fever to open in Las 
Vegas this summer. . . . Marianne Foith- 
full will co-produce Sandra Bernhard's 
next CD. . . . John Lee Hooker 15 record- 
ing duets with his daughter Zokiye for 
her first album. . . - Liz Phair is working 
on her third CD in Los Angeles. . 
You may see Mike Wott playing bass 
with Porno for Pyros on their spring 
tour. . . . John Entvistle's limited-edition 
art is selling so well that he plans to re- 
lease more, and tour North American 
galleries where the art is sold. . .. The 
Red Hot Organization has five releas- 
es in the works for 1996. Red Hot & 
Rio will have contributions by Sting, 
Bjork and Vanessa Williams. There will 
be original music on The Beat Experi- 
ence, released in conjunction with an 
art exhibit on Beat writers and poets. 
Other CDs are being planned for 
Latin rock, salsa and rap. Since 1990 
and the first Red Hot CD, the organi- 
zation has raised more than $5 mil- 
lion for AIDS awareness and re- 
search. . . . Ruth Brown's just-released 


autobiography, Miss Rhythm, details 
her ten-year battle to recover royalties 
from Atlantic Records. . . . Last year's 
benefit concert for Bosnian orphans, 
which brought together Justin Hoy- 
word of the Moody Blues, Yes’ Steve Howe, 
Gory Brooker from Procol Harum, Phoebe 
Snow and members of Cheap Trick, will 
be released as a video and a CD. . 

Bruce Springsteen has fans in John Stein- 
beck's family, including Steinbeck's 
81-year-old widow, Elaine, and the 
T's son, who presented the Boss 
with a ring Ша belonged to his father. 
Even before she knew about his al- 
bum The Ghost of Tom joad, Elaine 
Steinbeck says, “I love Bruce Spring- 
steen.” . . . Michael Wadleigh, director 
of Woodstock, has presented the Smith- 
sonian Institution with a copy of his 
$1500 Rock n ROM, a database that 
has 500 million music facts in it. . . . 
This is the 60th anniversary year of 
Buddy Holly’s birth and the 40th an- 
niversary of his first record. Both 
occasions will be observed with a trib- 
ute album, a new biography and a 
museum in his hometown, Lubbock, 
Texas. . . . Sting started a nine-month 
world tour in March and plans to ar- 
rive in North America during the 
summer, . . . Expect five CDs support- 
ing the Olympic Games and the US. 
Olympic team. The first will be a 
country album, One Voice, and will in- 
clude tracks by Vince Gill, Allison Krauss, 
Belá Fleck and Chet Atkins. . . . Donovan 
is working on material for a CD to be 
produced by Rick Robin. . . . Lastly, Son- 
ic Youth will headline Lollapalooza 
again, but this time in Springfield, 
hometown of the Simpsons. Homer is 
taking Bart and Lisa. Other artists 
from Lollapalooza have been ap- 
proached by the producers, but they 
are probably waiting to see if Bart sur- 
vives the mosh pit. —BARBARA NELLIS 


his own best material, he was equally at 
home with rock and roll, pop and folk, 
which is how his boxed set As Long os Im 
Singing: The Bobby Darin Collection (Rhino) 
is conveniently divided. He knew how 
to sing, and what else matters? Splish 
Splash, Dream Lover, Mack the Knife, Be- 
yond the Sea—they're classics, and many 
of the 92 other cuts here should have 
been. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


JAZZ 


The big bands made jazz and Ameri- 
can pop music synonymous in the Thir- 
ties. The five-CD boxed set Big Band Re- 
naissance (Smithsonian Collection) helps 
explain how the swing era liberated the 
jazz orchestra. Compiled by bandleader 
Bill Kirchner, the set is separated into 
categories. You'll get it all—Ellington, 
Basie and even Quincy Jones—with a 
big punch. —NEIL TESSER 


CLASSICAL 


"The most significant development in 
recorded classical music in the past 
decade has been the advent of the Naxos 
label. Taking advantage of an abundance 
of skilled musicians and diminishing 
manufacturing costs for CDs, founder 
Klaus Heymann offers quality record- 
ings of classic repertoire for $5 or $6 a 
disc. This spells trouble for prestigious 
labels that find themselves unable to 
rely on their expensive annual re- 
vampings of Beethoven symphonies or 
Chopin nocturnes. 

Naxos has now captured a tenth of the 
world market for classical recordings. 
but it shouldn't be considered merely a 
budget label. Hungarian pianist Jenö 
Jandó's three CDs of Schubert's Piano 
Sonatas are remarkable, and his ten-CD 
boxed set of Beethoven's Piano Sonates 
(which retails for about $50) is impecca- 
bly recorded and impressively per- 
formed. Raphael Wallfisch's four CDs of 
Vivaldi's Cello Concerti are truly formida- 
ble. And Naxos' recordings of Wagner's 
Flying Dutchman and Rossini's Tancredi are 
better than any other versions, regard- 
less of price. Naxos' recent forays into 
20th century and early music suggest 
that it may soon become the dominant 
classical label. — LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


BLUES 


In the Sixties, two German promoters 
established the American Folk Blues Fes- 
tival, concert tours that brought Willie 
Dixon and Muddy Waters to blues-hun- 
gry Europeans. Now the five-disc Ameri- 
сап Folk Blues Festival “62-765 (Evidence) 
brings a lot of previously unissued per- 
formances to CD. John Lee Hooker and 
Matt Murphy turn in refreshingly un- 
adulterated sets. —NEIL TESSER 


The Wayne Family officially authorizes the first work of its kind. 


JOUN WAYNE 


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20 


WIRED 


STOP, THIEF! 


Everyone knows someone who's had his 
cellular phone number ripped of. Ac- 
cording to phone companies, wireless 
bandits rack up $1.5 million a day in 
fraudulent calls. Fortunately, efforts are 
under way to limit the thieves. Leading 
the way, Motorola has teamed up with 
the Secret Service to develop Halt, a se- 
ries of protections that kick in when you 
place a call. Besides offering an identifi- 
cation number that activates and dis- 
ables your phone, Halt includes a service 
called Enhanced Clone Clear, which de- 
tects when multiple phones with the 
same number are making calls and then 
shuts them down. And a “postcall” pre- 
caution tracks your calling 

personality. That way, 


if anything unusual occurs, say $5000 
worth of calls in a week, an investigati 
begins. Another promising fraud-pre- 
yention technology is the authentication 
key, or A-key. Essentially, it’s a secret val- 
ue unique to cach phone and registered 
with the cellular service provider. Ev- 
егу time you place a call, that value is 
checked with a corresponding computer 
code. If the numbers don’t match, the 
callis blocked. AT&T's 3740 is one of the 
first cellular phones to feature the A-key, 
but we expect it to be one of many clone 
busters soon to come. 


BROADCAST NEWS 


We thought it was cool when 
computer manufacturers 
started building TV tun- 
ers into new PCs. But 
they'll soon top that, with 
a new technology called Inter- 
cast. Created by Intel and sup- 
ported by media companies 
such as NBC and CNN, Inter- 
cast allows those who watch TV 


on their PCs to access related informa- 
tion. While tuned in to a news story, for 
example, you could summon up histori- 
cal and geographic facts 
that add perspective. 
Sports coverage will be en- 
hanced with updated stats 
on athletes, games and 
league action. And you 
may even get some extra 
clues buried in a murder- 
mystery broadcast that 
could help you solve the 
crime before the on-screen 
detectives do. Look for In- 
tercast-ready PCs from 
Packard Bell, Gateway 
2000 and others to arrive 
later this year. 


ALL THE RIGHT MOVES 


If you want to play baseball like Frank 
Thomas or Ken Griffey Jr., pick up a 
copy of their latest video games. Frank 
Thomas Big Hurt Baseball and Ken Griffey 
Jr. Major League Baseball 2. Both titles 
were created using a technology called 
motion capture, in which actors (or ath- 
letes, in the cases of Thomas and Grif- 
fey) are outfitted with sensors and sur- 
rounded by special video cameras that 
record their movements for transfer to 
computer workstations. Once on com- 
puter, the digitized motion is used to 
render 3-D animated characters who 
run, jump, kick, pitch and swing like hu- 


mans do. Acclaim Entertainment, the 
developer of the Thomas game, has a 
studio devoted to motion capture, as 


does Sega, which hired black belt-level 
martial artists to make the 1200 moves in 
its Saturn title Virtua Fighter 2 appear 
true to form. But motion capture ex- 
tends beyond video game entertain- 
ment. Hollywood is using it for movie 
special effects. (It made Woody of Tey Sto- 
7) seem more guy than doll and was used 
to create an animated caped crusader 
that stunt-doubled for Val Kilmer in Bat- 
man Forever.) Athletes are using it, too. 
Golfers, for example, can be wired with 
sensors to view their swings. There may 
even come a time when motion capture 
will enhance live performances. Imagine 
Janet Jackson dancing onstage with her 
‘cartoon twin in step on a video screen. 


MITA | 


We're not sure which is wilder—the look of Nu Vision's Stereoscopic 3-D glasses (be- 
low) or the effects they create. The Windows 95-compotible PC peripheral has liquid 
crystal lenses that add realistic depth and dimension to games such as Wolfenstein 3D 
and Descent. The price: about $80. ® If you're interested in adding a digital satellite 
system to your home theater but don't know whether you can pick up the signal, con- 
sider a DSS Starter Kit from Crutchfield. Included in the $5 offer is an information 


booklet that explains how DSS works and 


helps you determine—with the aid of a 
supplied compass—whether or not 
your location has access fo the satel- 
lite. The booklet also provides eosy- 
to-follow instructions on how to in- 
stall the dish yourself, thus 
saving you about $100. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155. 


MULTIMEDIA 
REVIEWS & NEWS 


ON CD-ROM 
‘Take a murder. Mix it with money, sex, 
power and fame, and you have a trial 
worth watching—or better yet, playing. 
In the Ist Degree concocts a sensational re- 
venge killing and lets you play the pros- 
ecutor trying to nail the celebrity artist 
who pulled it off. The game comes as 
dose to an interactive movie as anything 
we've seen, with lots of filmed action shot 
in San Francisco. It has some respectable 
acting, too. You guide the investigation 
into the murder and then take over the 
trial. If you screw up—which is inev- 


BER SCOOP 


Starhill Productions hos c hole- 
in-ane hit in its Golf’s Great- 
est Collection, a CD-ROM 
package af eight golf simu- 
lation and reference titles. 
Among them are Links: The 
Challenge of Golf ond Golf 
America, с guide to more than 
14,000 caurses across the 
country. The price is a borgain, 
about $40. 


Laok for directory assistance in 
cyberspace later this year. The 
service, which will help online 
users locate e-mail addresses 
by subject matter, name or 
business via a point-and-click 
interface, is being developed 
by Computer Cancepts Carpa- 
ration of Bohemia, New York. 
For more info, check out the 
company’s Web site at http:// 
www.pb.net/-dbexpress. 


itable—you get to go through it 
again, delving deeper into the „г. 
case until you get a guilty ver- 
dict. And the more you delve, (| 
the seamier the action gets. So 
take your time, because unlike М 
in the real world, there are no 
multimillion-dollar movie 
deals at the close of this tri- 
al. (By Broderbund Software, 
for Mac and Windows, $50.) 


While loading 
Beavis ond Buft- 
head in Virtual Stupidity into our _ 
CD-ROM drive, we promised 1 
ourselves we wouldn't laugh. АЕ. 

ter all, we've had enough of the 
mental midgets. It's time to return to 
semi-intelligent humor. But then the 
disc started humming and, of course, we 
cracked up, which is the way it goes with 
Beavis and Buu-head. Virtual Stupidity, 


MTV's digital darks 


the derelict duo's first computer-based 
misadventure, has you aiding them in 
their quest to join Todd's gang. Besides 
exploring the neighborhood, listening to 
Beavis’ and Butt-head's wisecracking 
commentary and chatting it up with 
characters such as Daria and Mr. Buzz- 
cut, you get to take part in several sopho- 
moric bonus games. There's Hock-a- 
Loogie, in which you get to spit off the 
school roof, racking up points as you hit 
the principal, bicyclists, squirrels and 
more. Court Chaos has you firing a ten- 
nis-ball can- 
non at pass- 
ing yuppies, 
earning exıra 
points if you 
hit them in the 
"nads. And Air 
Guitar lets you 
rock out, using 
your computer 
keyboard to 
make music or, 
in typical B 
and B humor, 
strange bodily 
noises. (By Vi- 
acom New Media, for Windows 95, $45.) 


Hollywood Body Double delivers beautiful 
women, slick graphics and a clever con- 
cept in an interactive game packed with 
glossy R-rated eroticism. The plot begins 
on your first day as a movie producer, 
with responsibilities that include filming 
sexy strip scenes and choosing images 
for the video boxes of your finished proj- 
ects. 1f you shoot too little or too much 
footage, or if you select the wrong cam- 
era angles, you'll find yourself waiting 
tables. But if you manage to get every- 
thing right, you'll discover the perks of 
being a Tinseltown player—and that in- 
cludes viewing a private strip show by 
Shelley Michelle, Julia Roberts’ body 
double in Pretty Woman. But be fore- 
warned: This game takes time 
46 (and luck) to master. You're at 
the mercy of a demanding 
and mercurial studio chief 
and, just like in the real 
j movie business, you can nev- 
er be sure of the right choices 
until you've already made the 
wrong ones. (By Future Rom, 
5 for Windows, about $60.) 


Belly up to the PC with The Beer 
, Hunter, an informative and en- 
| tertaining look at microbrew- 
eries by drink maven and 
| frequent rLaysoy contribu- 
tor Michael Jackson (tl 
sipper, not the singer). Jack- 
son explains the brewing proccss using 
audio and video imagery to define the 
style, region and characteristics of beers 
such as stout and pilsner, He also offersa 
list of his top 24 picks and includes a 


Virtuo Cop: a killer opp. 


U.S. buyer's guide so you can sample 
them at home. If this doesn't quench 
your thirst for microbrews, a new World 
Beer Hunter is slated for release in Sep- 
tember. (From Discovery Channel Multi- 
media, for Windows and Mac, $40.) 


If you've been looking for a reason to 
buy a Sega Saturn, we offer two: Virtua 
Fighter 2 and Virtua Cop. Both tides feature 
brilliant 3-D graphics and intense action. 
The first is a martial arts-style fighting 
game that allows one or two players to 
battle it out us- 
ing more than 
1200 moves 

There are ten 
characters to 
choose from. 
Thanks to mo- 
tion-capture 
technology, 
the characters 
have lifelike 
movement. 
(See “All the 
Right Moves” 
on page 20.) 
Virtua Cop, 
which is packaged with an arcade-style 
Stunner (a.k.a. a gun), pits you as a law- 
man against a gang of gunrunners. Ma- 
neuvering your way through three po- 
tentially deadly levels—a warehouse, an 
underground weapons-storage facility 
and Mob headquarters—you use an ar- 
senal of ammo to blast the bad guys. 
Sega generously awards more points for 
disabling the villains with shots to the 
kneecaps versus bullets to the head. 
"There's also a special bull's-eye bonus of 
5000 points for shooting the weapon out 
of an enemy's hand. And to make sure 
you don't become a loose cannon, Sega 
has tossed in a bunch of terrified by- 
standers. Hit one with a bullet and your 
score drops faster than your enemies. 
And, for double-team action, try hook- 
ing up two Stunners. (By Sega of Ameri- 
ca, about $75 each.) 


DIGITAL DUDS 


CEO: When a company head dis- 
appears, you're charged with 
running the show. But with lack- 
luster graphics ond confusing 
game elements, this CD-ROM 
offers little incentive to get down 
to business. 


Hor Dog Girls of Florida: Don't 
let the title fool you. This cyber- 
weenie contains more distasteful 
ingredients per byte than the 
real thing. 


See what's happening on Playboy’s 
Web Page at http://www.playboy.com. 21 


20 many 


So few oda six 


WARNING: 


THIS PRODUCT 
ISNOT A SAFE 
ALTERNATIVE TO 
CIGARETTES 


SMOKIES 


Forks of River e Entertainment Showpark 


7July/6;1996 қ 
Hank Williams, Jr. = un „ Little Feat 
Travis Tritt | 38 Special 
Charlie Daniels ў 


Ағ N 
UES тебе.“ е. 
i ў ж 


SITE AND TALENT IT TO CHANGE. 


сте Ror зло Co or its M ¡E smokeless Ыр. 01995 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


AL PACINO is at the top of his game in City 
Hall (Columbia) as an ambitious, manip- 
ulative New York mayor named John 
Pappas. John Cusack is also strong as the 
mayor's deputy, an idealistic man from 
Louisiana who has a lot to learn about 
the devious ways of the movers and 
shakers he looks to as role models. The 
plot spins around the death of a child 
killed in a street shoot-out, and a subse- 
quent official cover-up that raises sticky 
questions about ethics, cronyism and 
courtroom justice. Up to their ears in the 
unfolding intrigues are David Paymer as 
the mayor's chief of staff, Danny Aiello as 
a shady Brooklyn Democratic boss, Tony 
Franciosa as a mob capo and Martin 
Landau as a revered city judge. Bridget 
Fonda is the dogged attorney seeking 
truth and fairness for the dead child’s 
family. Fortunately, little time is wasted 
on the inevitable attraction between Fon- 
da and Cusack. City Hall (directed by 
Harold Becker, who guided Pacino 
through Sea of Love) is a resonant, intelli- 
gent thriller regarding the high moral 
price paid in urban politics. ¥¥¥/2 
е 


Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodovar's 
The Flower of My Secret (Sony Classics) is 
splendidly acted but far less sprightly 
than his earlier comedies. His heroine is 
Leo (Marisa Paredes), an unloved mar- 
tied woman and romance novelist who 
can't get her own husband, Paco (Imanol 
Arias), under the covers. He's a soldier 
who ignores her and is soon gone, on a 
peacemaking mission to Bosnia. Worse 
ү he has been having an affair with her 

est friend. Leo rages, pleads, whines 
and attempts suicide—every possible ex- 
pression of unrequited love—before she 
gets her act together. In this seriocomic 
cinematic close-up, Almodovar shows a 
Passionate understanding for a woman 
scorned. ¥¥/2 А 


А spectacular "movie movie” based оп 
the book by Vito Russo, The Celluloid Clos- 
et (Sony Classics) is a funny, pungent and 
socially relevant work about the treat- 
ment of homosexuality in film. A hun- 
dred clips from old movies are framed 
by the testimony of two dozen celebri- 
ties—including Lily Tomlin, Gore Vidal, 
Shirley MacLaine, Susan Sarandon and 
Tom Hanks. Rob Epstein, winner of two 
Oscars for best documentary (The Times 
of Harvey Milk in 1985 and Common 
Threads: Stories From the Quilt in 1990), co- 
authored, co-produced and co-directed 
with editor Jeffrey Friedman, his collab- 
orator on Common Threads. Movies with 
gay themes have come a long way on the 


Uma, just one of the Giris. 


Urban power and politics, 
high jinks in the heartland 
and a reunion of friends. 


roads to public acceptance and freedom 
of expression. Here are Carbo and Die 

trich in thinly veiled lesbian roles, Doris 
Day singing My Secret Love in manly at- 
tire, gay men such as Monty Clift and 
Rock Hudson playing it semistraight. 
With assistance and partial funding from 
several donors, including the Playboy 
Foundation, Closet airs out a big piece of 
cinematic history. УУУУ 


Seven young New Yorkers sit at their 
phones or computers and socialize by 
leaving messages on friends’ answering 
machines. These are the people subject- 
ed to wry scrutiny in Denise Calls Up (Sony 
Classics). Tim Daly, Aida Turturro, Dana 
Wheeler Nicholson and Alanna Ubach 
(as Denise) head the list of absentee 
intimates who live, die, flirt, fall in love 
and discuss parties they've missed with- 
out ever meeting face-to-face. Writer-di- 
rector Hal Salwen's promising first fea- 
ture is short on action but scores as a 
bright, incisive satire about the lack of 
closeness in an age of supercharged 
communication. ¥¥¥ 

. 


"The dead just won't stay dead in Ceme- 
tery Man (October Films). The living 
characters speak English in Italian direc- 
tor Michele Soavi's comically erotic hor- 
ror show, with Rupert Everett clearly 
talking tongue in cheek in the title role 
as Francesco Dellamorte. His job is to 


shoot zombies or split open their heads 
before they become too frighteningly 
feisty. Sultry Italian actress-model Anna 
Falchi offers an agreeable antidote to the 
gore in her triple role as a mourning 
widow (making it with Everett atop a 
tombstone), a politician's assistant and a 
prostitute. While Falchi's campy stints 
call for something other than acting, 
there hasn't been a saucier Italian export 
since Sophia Loren. ¥¥ 


Quite a few young performers get 
their best roles in director Ted Demme's 
Beautiful Girls (Miramax). There's a deft 
edge of unexpectedness in the screen- 
play by Scott Rosenberg, and Demme 
(who made The Ref) once again shows 
his gift for showcasing actors. All of it 
happens in a small Massachusetts town 
during the winter week before some old 
nds gather for a high school reunion. 
Tim Hutton is especially fine as Willie, 
the one graduate who left town. (He 
winds up tickling the ivories in a New 
York piano bar.) Willie can't commit to 
his girlfriend (Annabeth Gish) back 
in Gotham but becomes intrigued by 
the precocious 13-year-old next door 
(played by Natalie Portman, a teenybop- 
per with charisma to spare). Willie's local 
chums are a collection of guys who re- 
fuse to grow up (Matt Dillon, Noah Em- 
merich, Max Perlich, Michael Rapaport) 
and the women in their lives (Mira Sor- 
vino, Lauren Holly and Rosie O'Don- 
nell, plus Uma Thurman as a drop-dead 
beauty visiting from Chicago). The guys’ 
wish list of female attributes dwindles 
to a desire for good looks and instant 
gratification, while most of the girls 
want more than a good bang from their 
bucks. Beautiful Girls brings them all to- 
gether in a series of drinking bouts, con- 
frontations, fights, seductions and sec- 
ond thoughts that add up to a winsome 
comedy for every age group. ¥¥¥ 
. 


There has never been a film quite like 
From the Journals of Jean Seberg (Planet Pic- 
tures), based on the life of the then un- 
known actress cast by Otto Preminger to 
play the lead in his 1957 flop Saint Joan. 
Hardly a true biography, writer-produc- 
er-director Mark Rappaport's essay stars 
Mary Beth Hurt speaking as if she were 
Seberg, the gorgeous teenager from 
Marshalltown, Iowa who was way out of 
her depth in her first part and seemed ill 
at ease in nearly every role that fol- 
lowed—on-screen and off. Only in Jean- 
Luc Godard's Breathless (1959) and in 
Robert Rossen's Lilith (1964) did Se- 
berg's talent really register. Through 
her marriages and love affairs (once the 
wife of novelist Romain Gary, briefly 


26 


Russo and Travolta get Shorty good 
. BRUCE'S TEN BEST 


It’s Oscar time. Which films pass 
our Rabbit test? Let the fur fly! 
Apollo 13: Tom Hanks still in orbit 
in a space-age epic to remember. 
The Brothers McMullen: A fine, fresh 
look at three lusty Irish siblings. 
Burnt by the Sun: Russian drama 
about the Stalin era won last year’s 
Oscar as best foreign film. 

Dead Man Walking: Sarandon and 
Penn debate the nature of good 
and evil on death row. 

Get Shorty: Elmore Leonard's yarn 
spoofs Hollywood in style, helped 
a lot by Travolta, Hackman & Co. 
Leaving Las Vegas: Cage and Shue 
flame out flashily with two sure- 
fire performances. 

Mighty Aphrodite: Backed by Woody 
Allen and a Greck chorus, Mira 
Sorvino takes Manhattan by storm. 
Sense and Sensibility: The star is Em- 
ma Thompson, who also adapted 
this delicious Jane Austen comedy. 
To Die For: Kidman is grand as a 
bitchy, murderous media darling. 
The Usual Suspects: Twists and turns 
in a starry thriller deftly contrived 
to knock your socks off. 


AND THE TEN WORST 


Billy Madison: In a dreary crossover, 
SNL's Adam Sandler looms small 
as a doltish nonachiever. 

Blue in the Face: Celebrities impro- 
vise to no good purpose. 

The Crossing Guard: This mishap has 
Nicholson misdirected by Penn. 
Johnny Mnemonic: Bad news for fans 
of Keanu—it's not up to Speed. 
Judge Dredd: Stallone saga even 
worse than Assassins. 

A Pyromaniac’s Love Story: А no-win 
romp for Billy Baldwin. Who 
green-lighted this obvious turkey? 
The Scarlet Letter: How to foul up a 
classic, with Demi as exhibit A. 
Showgirls: Witless and rife with tits, 
ass and attitude. 

Tank Girl: Futuristic drivel stars 
Lori Petty as the canned cookie. 
Waterworld: Costner's folly looks 
costly, indeed, but that's about all. 


enthralled by Clint Eastwood while 
shooting Paint Your Wagon), Scberg 
searched in vain for an identity and com- 
mitted suicide in 1979, when she was 40. 
But Rappaport's absorbing Journals is 
much more than the record ofa starlet’s 
decline and fall. The movie covers two 
decades of cinematic and social history, 
from the Marlon Brando period of 
sweaty superstardom to the politics of 
several controversial women in film, in- 
cluding Jane Fonda, Vanessa Redgrave 
and Ingrid Bergman. Seberg herself was 
labeled a sex pervert by FBI chief J. Ed- 
gar Hoover for her involvement with the 
Black Panthers. This portrait of a lost 
soul puts Seberg in perspective as what 
narrator Hurt ruefully calls “a low-rent 
Marilyn Monroe.” УУУУ: 


‘The flat Northern Plains accent used 
by practically everyone in Fargo (Gra- 
mercy Pictures) may sound a bit exag- 
gerated for comic effect, but don't let ex- 
Cess keep you from the Coen brothers’ 
earthy, brilliant crime saga based on the 
true story of a Minneapolis car dealer 
who paid two thugs to kidnap his wife. 
Director Joel Coen, co-writing as usual 
with sibling Ethan Coen, hands William 
Macy a plum role as errant husband 
Jerry, a wimpish loser with debts he 
can't pay. He promises the kidnappers 
(played in cold blood by Steve Buscemi 
and Peter Stormare) an even split of the 
ransom he is sure will be paid by his 
wife's wealthy, doting father. Then disas- 
ters pile up one after another. Stomping 
from clue to clue with single-minded 
tenacity is the key character in Fargo— 
a pregnant policewoman who is played 
by Frances McDormand. She is just a 
heavily armed Western housewife with a 
job to do, which includes supporting her 
husband, Norm (John Carroll Lynch), 
an affectionate weenie who loves to get 
up to cook her breakfast when she's 
called out on a murder case. Describing 
Fargo’s blend of local-hero humor and 
stark realistic drama isn’t easy, but the 
Coens make it work—from a deadpan 
beginning to the goose-pimply end. ¥¥¥¥ 

е 


A determined guy with his head in the 
clouds aspires to become a helicopter 
traffic reporter. He meets a girl who in- 
tends to be a dancer and may have a 
chance to study in Paris. What's to be- 
come of them? The fella, Josh Charles, 
first worms his way into the chopper ofa 
drunken weatherman (John Goodman), 
then fools around with his mature, 
worldly landlady (Christine Lahti) be- 
fore getting back to his true love (Anne 
Heche). Thar's all there is to Pie in the Sky 
(Fine Line), which goes exactly where 
you would expect it to go: Paris. Even so, 
writer-director Bryan Gordon manages 
to juice up this offbeat romantic comedy 
with effortless style and charm. ¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Angels & Insects (Reviewed 2/96) Victo- 
rians bugged by impropriety. УЗУ 
Beautiful Girls (See review) Boys will be 
boys at a class reunion. wy 
Casino (Listed only) Overblown but 
fascinating tale about the end of the 
Mob in Vegas. yyy 
The Celluloid Closet (See review) Gays in 
cinema—and how they grew. УУЗУ 
Cemetery Man (See review) Sexpot An- 
na Falchi sizzles through the gore. ¥¥ 
City Hall (See review) Power and Paci- 
no in New York politics. wu 
Cry, the Beloved Country (2/96) The clas- 
sic on racist South Africa. yyy 
Dead Man Walking (3/96) One of last 
year’s Ten Best. vw 
Denise Calls Up (See review) Leaving 
messages as a modern way of life. ¥¥¥ 
Fargo (See review) The Coen brothers 
turn Americana upside down. УУУУ 
The Flower of My Secret (See review) 
More strain in Spain. Wh 
French Twist (3/96) As а housewife who 
swings both ways, Abril is agile. ¥¥¥ 
From the Journals of Jean Seberg (See re- 
view) A star's tragic bio with an off- 
beat view. ww 
Hate (Listed only) French-style look at 


hell-raisers in the hood. жұл 
Headless Body іп Topless Bar (2/96) Grim 
take on a hostage standoff. y 


Heat (Listed only) Pacino and De Niro 
in a dysfunctional buddy movie. ¥¥/2 
A Midwinter's Tale (3/96) Branagh's 
tribute to hams playing Hamlet. ¥¥J2 
Mr. Holland’s Opus (3/96) A so-so music 
man but a memorable teacher. ¥¥¥/2 
Nixon (3/96) Set in Stone. yyy 
Othello (3/96) Branagh bedevils Fish- 
burne. The Moor is not merrier. ¥¥¥ 
Pie in the Sky (See review) Boy must 
choose—the girl or the chopper. ¥¥ 
Restoration (2/96) Rich saga about mis- 
behavior and plague-besieged revel- 
ers in the court of Charles П. YY) 
Richard Ш (3/96) Thoroughly modern 
Shakespeare, with lan McKellen as 
another wicked king. w 
Sabrina (Listed only) Remakinga clas- 
sic is always dangerous, but this one 
works. Romance is alive and well 
in 1996. УУУ); 
12 Monkeys (3/96) Willis, Stowe and 
Pitt launched on Gilliam’s splashy but 


convoluted time trip. Wh 
Unforgettable (3/96) OK thriller, but 
not really one to remember. vv 


The Young Poisener’s Handbook (2/96) A 
proper English serial killer, | YY) 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


УУУУ Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


Sixty years ago, abeautiful 
Е woman introduced 
po windproof lighter! 
tothe world 5 
in Zippo’s first 
national ad. 
indy” was 


pinup girl 
She and the 
“Windproof 
Beauties” that 
followed caused a sensation. 


Zippo Salutes Pinup 
Girls pays tribute | 
to all those glori- 
ous dreamgirls 

of the past who 
bewitched and 
beguiled us in war 
and peacetime. 


Zippo's newest pinup is Joan, 

* the 1996 Collectible of the Year. 
Our statuesque Pinup of the Year 
is beautifully displayed in an 
exclusive keepsake tin. 


hip; /wwwZIPPOmfg.com 


" 


Dreams To Hold On To 


Redd are The Four 
Seasons, the companion. 
collectible'set: Each 

one is a delightful 

symbol of her season. 


Pinup 
girls have | 
leftan 
indelible 
impres- 
+ sion over + 
the decades. Zippo's exclusive 
Technigraphic” process ensures 
that these vibrant images will 
endure year after year. 


E E 
N erts 
" 
* 
= ж ж 
ж » 
* * n y E 


VIDEO 


GUEST SHOT 


For a hard-boiled TV 
cop, N.YPD. Blue's 
Dennis Franz takes 
his home viewing 
nice and easy. “Years 
ago I started an annu- 
al tradition of watch- 
ing Meet Me in St. 
Louis with the fami- 
ly,” he reports. “As a kid, | really lost my 
heart to Judy Garland on the trolley—even 
more than in The Wizard of Oz.” The Franz 
clan—that's his longtime love and her two 
daughters—also enjoys video flashbacks 
to a "simpler, more peaceful lifestyle": A 
Tree Grows in Brooklyn, The Magnificent. 
Ambersons and Yankee Doodle Dandy. Yet 
it's family fare à la Corleone that truly im- 
presses Franz. “The Godfather is absolute- 
ly flawless,” he notes, “except for one ob- 
viously faked punch before Caan smashes 
his brother-intaw's head with the trash 
can lid.” Ouch, — PRD STHE 


VIDBITS 


Surf's up. Brian Wilson: I Just Wasn't Made 
for These Times (Live, $19.98) zooms in on 
the storicd carcer of the Beach Boys’ cre 

ative center, chronicling his rise to fame, 
his often overlooked musical genius 
(some say his Pet Sounds LP was a Sgt. 
Pepper before its time) and his creepy de- 
scent into seclusion. The program in- 
cludes interviews with friends Crosby, 
Nash and Ronstadt. It even checks in 
with Wilson himself at the keys. . .. Why 
settle for an Oliver Stone stand-in when 
you can watch Tricky Dick reinvent him- 
self? Central Park Media's three-part The 
Real Richard Nixon ($49.95) is a safe, one- 
on-one grilling of Nixon by his own man, 
White House comrade Frank Gannon, 
over a ten-month period in 1983. Sure 
it’s a whitewash, but the truth slips out 
in the archival clips, rare home movies 
and Dick's trademark tics and sweats. . . - 
Motorcyclist Jeremy McGrath won his 
third straight U.S. Supercross title in 
1995. Now the 24-year-old’s vid scrap- 
book, Winning Can Be Fun! (Musical Pic- 
tures, $24.95), shows you his champi- 
onship style. Included is footage of 
McGrath's daredevil dexterity spun 
through an MTV-type soundtrack cycle 
and interlaced with intimate family chat. 
Definitely don't try this at home. 


HOOP LOOPS 


"The splendid Hoop Dreams and less-than- 
splendid Basketball Diaries are only the 
most recent films to attempt to translate 
the thrill of basketball to the big screen. 


28 In time for March Madness, here are 


some other three-pointers, slam dunks 
and foul-outs: 

Hoosiers (1986): From chumps to champi- 
ons. A spellbinding story starring Gene 
Hackman as the desperate high school 
coach who finally puts the past out of 
bounds. Co-stars Dennis Hopper as the 
town drunk. 

One on One (1977): College jock Robby 
Benson learns to be a team player and a 
good student. Underrated cheerer with 
Annette O'Toole as Benson's sexy tutor. 
(Surprise cameo: a baby-faced—but not 
baby-bodied—Melanie Griffith.) 

The Harlem Globetrotters (1951): Wide World 
of Sports ain't what it used to be, so if you 
want to see these phenoms in their 
prime, here's the place to go. Of course, 
if you're in the mood to suffer, you can 
always try 1981's The Harlem Globetrotters 
on Gilligan’s Island. No joke. 

The Great Sentini (1979): B-ball as power- 
play metaphor, with Marine Robert Du- 
vall teaching son Michael O'Keefe the 
meaning of guts—and sadistic parent- 
ing. Wife Blythe Danner keeps score. 
The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (1979): 
Jonathan Winters is the coach, Kareem 
‘and Dr. J. are on the team and Stockard 
Channing is the astrologer who saves the 
day by aligning everyone's auras. Some- 
how overlooked at Oscar time. 

One Flew Over the Cuckou’s Nest (1975): Not 
exactly a basketball flick, but who can 
forget the great patients-versus-orderlies 
matchup, with Chief Bromden as the 
lumbering eight-foot-tall goaltender? 
Fost Break (1979): College coach beefs up 
his team with inner-city ringers in Gabe 


GUILTY PLEASURE 
OF THE MONTH 


The film may have 

left your neighbor- 

hood theater as soon 

as it arrived, but to 

enjoy William Fried- — 

kin's Jade, forget the 

by-the-numbers mur- 

der plot (Eszterhas 

on autopilot) and the grumblings of Caruso 
and Palminteri. So what's left to like? Linda 
Fiorentino's scorching turn as a good girl 
moonlighting as a nympho. Brace yourself: 
This woman truly enjoys her bedtime. 


“Kotter” Kaplan's big-screen debut. We 
must have missed И. —bAVID LEFKOWITZ 


LASER FARE 


If Pioneer never does another thing, it's 
lived up to its name with a special-e 
tion release of Amadeus ($160), Milos For- 
man's 1984 adaptation of Peter Shaffer's 
Mozart-Salieri chronicle. Supplement- 
ing the epic's state-of-the-art laser trans- 
fer are audio commentary by Oscar win- 
ners Forman and Shaffer, The Mozart 
Firmament (a 50-page tour of the com- 
poser's life, complete with paintings and 
engravings), a copy of Shaffer's play, a 

making-of documentary featuring inter- 
views with the stars and six previously 
deleted scenes, and a two-CD set (160 
minutes) containing a 24-bit digital re- 
master of the film's soundtrack. And the 
packaging's gorgeous.—CRECORY P FAGAN 


BOOKS 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


FEW WRITERS have stared so unflinchingly 
into the face of violence as has Philip Ca- 
puto. In his Pulitzer Prize-winning book 
Rumor of War, and in Horn of Africa and 
Indian Country, he tried to make sense 
of war and atrocities. Now, in the nov- 
el Equation for Evil (HarperCollins), he 
probes the psyche ofa mass murderer. A 
lone gunman dressed in Army combat 
fatigues opens fire on a busload of Asian 
American children in San Joaquin, Cali- 
fornia. With cruel efficiency, he kills 14 
and wounds four more, and then com- 
mits suicide. In the wake of this mas- 
sacre, the search begins for some way to 
understand such a senseless act. Justice 
Department Special Agent Gabriel Chin 
joins forces with forensic psychiatrist Le- 
ander Heartwood to perform a psycho- 
logical autopsy on the gunman, Duane 
Boggs. Their investigation takes them 
back through Boggs’ life and his associa- 
tion with an underground racist group 
called WAR, the White Aryan Resistance. 
In a surprising development, they find 
indications that Boggs did not act alone. 
Equation for Evil is a terrifying look into 
the modern heart of darkness. 

A writer who grappled with similar 
themes was Jerzy Kosinski. In James 
Park Sloan's biography of the novelist, 
Jerzy Kosinski: A Biography (Dutton), he 
tells the now-familiar story of how Ko- 
sinski hid from the Nazis as a child in his 
native Poland. As an adult, Kosinski be- 
came a literary celebrity with the publi- 
cation in 1965 of The Painted Bird, a nov- 
el based on that grim childhood. He won 
the National Book Award for his next 
noyel, Steps. Being There became a best- 
seller and a hit movie that starred Peter 
Sellers. Kosinski even appeared in War- 
ren Beatty's movie Reds. 

The bubble burst in 1982 with an arti- 
de in The Village Voice that accused him 
of having accepted money from the CIA 
and using numerous ghostwriters and 
editors to compose his novels. Sloan re- 
ports the details of the charges, but, 
maddeningly, he never assesses the relia- 
bility of the accusations. No one else did, 
either. The controversy over that article 
may have contributed to the depression 
that drove Kosinski to suicide. Perhaps it 
is appropriate that this otherwise ad- 
mirable biography leaves the enigmas in 
Kosinski's life unresolved. 

Sue Grafton still leads the Sisters in 
Crime brigade, but there are new re- 
cruits of special interest coming up the 
ranks of female mystery writers. In 
Sparkle Hayter's Nice Girls Finish Last (Vi- 
Xing), TV reporter Robin Hudson is as- 
signed to thetrash-TV special reports di- 
vision of ANN, the All News Network, 
where she covers "shoddy sperm banks, 


Caputo's Equation for Evil. 


A dark psychological thriller, 
a Jerzy Kosinski biography and 
some terrific new mysteries. 


UFO abductees and the shady side of the 
hairpiere industry” Worse yer, someone 
is gunning for the men in her life, killing 
her gynecologist and terrorizing the on- 
air male talent at ANN. Just as her busy- 
body born-again aunt arrives in Manhat- 
tan to save her and help her rediscover 
Jesus, Hudson is assigned to a behind- 
the-scenes investigation of an S&M sex 
club on the Lower East Side. Hayter has 
insight about the absurd go- 
ings-o: tabloid television. 

Firestorm (Putnam) is Nevada Barr's 
fourth book featuring park ranger Anna 
Pigeon. This one finds her working as a 
medic in one of the forward camps on 
the front lines of a wildfire. A lightning 
storm ignites a fast-moving flash fire, 
forcing the firefighters to deploy indi- 
vidual silver shelters, dubbed “shake and 
bakes” by the crews. After the blaze pass- 
es over her, Pigeon emerges apprehen- 
sively to see who else is still alive. All 
are accounted for except the Bureau of 
Land Management supervisor, who has 
succumbed not to the fire but to a knife 
stuck in his back. 

Barr, herself a park ranger, has a natu- 
ralist’s unblinking eye for the wonders 
and tragedies of the open country. In the 
isolation of the forward camp, Barr has 
cleverly concocted a mystery. 

The Secrets of the Hopewell Box (Times 
Books), by top newspaper editor and re- 
porter James Squires, is the story of a 
friendship between a cop (the author's 
grandfather) anda politician named Gar- 


ner Robinson. It is also a story of the bal- 
lot-box stuffing and corruption that ran 
rampant in Nashville, Tennessee from 
1945 to 1962. Remarkably, the two sto- 
ries run together effortlessly with plenty 
of material to justify the book's subtitle, 
Stolen Elections, Southern Politics and a 
City's Coming of Age. The sort of revela- 
tions about strong-arm politics that gen- 
erally provoke outrage are charmingly 
told by Squires in his position as family 
member and journalist. His descriptions 
of the Old Hickory Gang rank with the 
tales of Damon Runyon. It’s a nostalgic 
look back at an era when cigar smoke 
was a sure sign of a backroom deal 

Laurence Shames joins Elmore Leon- 
ard and Carl Hiaasen in finding Flor- 
ida one of the funniest hotbeds of crimi 
nal activity on the face of the earth. His 
fourth novel, Tropical Depression, is a ca- 
per that begins when Murray Zemel- 
man, a.k.a. the Bra King, decides to 
leave his trophy wife in New Jersey and 
drive to Key West. He gets himself in 
more trouble than he ever could have 
imagined, and it’s hilarious. 


BOOK BAG 


Roger Ebert’s Video Companion (Andrews 
and McMeel): When you run out of 
movies to rent, the 1996 edition of this 
video companion has 160 new reviews 
and interviews to keep you entertained. 

Vietnam (Whereabouts Press), edited 
by John Balaban and Nguyen Qui Duc: 
From the jungles to Hanoi and the 
Saigon cafés, a traveler's literary com- 
panion of 17 short stories, many in Eng- 
lish for the first time, 

The Great Hot Sauce Book (Ten Speed 
Press), by Jennifer Trainer Thompson: 
Your guide to liquid fire, with jalapenos 
instead of stars. Try Dave's Insanity 
Sauce. It's a 911 call. 

Carhops ond Curb Service (Chronicle), by 
Jim Heimann: A history of American 
drive-in restaurants from the original 
Texas Pig Stand of 1921 through Bob's 
Big Boy years, with great photos. 

Cracker Jack Collectibles (Schiffer 
Books), by Ravi Pina: A salute to the 
prize inside. Since 1912, more than 16 
billion toys have nesded between the 
caramel corn and the nuts. 

The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to 
His White Mother (Riverhead Books), by 


Rachel Shilsky. After her dysfunctional 
family emigrated to Virginia, she fled to 


Harlem and found Jesus. She married a 
black man, started a church and sup- 
ported 12 children through college. This 
tribute is rendered in moving prose by 
one of her sons. 


29 


30 


Y our day begins in Hawaii. You love 
the islands and, because you are 
your own boss, you can live where you 
please. It is not for nothing that you 
have accumulated a huge net worth. 

It is eight a.m. on the island of Oahu 
and you are dozing in your private six- 
room suite in the Kahala Oriental Hotel 
in Honolulu, Your phone rings. It is 
your broker in Hong Kong reporting 
that you have just made another $2 mil- 
lion overnight with your Pacific Rim in- 
vestments. You tell him to buy land in 
Malaysia, sell wheat to China and lock 
up your lease for future development on 
Vietnam's China Beach. 

At 8:28 a.m. there is a soft knock on 
your door. It is your masseuse, ready to 
give you your first massage of the day. 
She is a beautiful Asian woman with long 
black hair and a supple body. You move 
to the massage table, where she rubs 
your bodily parts with warm scented oil. 
She coos like a mourning dove and 
stares into your eyes with total devotion 
as her hands stroke your joy toy. 

While your masseuse straddles your 
hips, your cell phone rings. It is the pres- 
ident of the U.S., asking for advice 
again. “Mr. President,” you finally say, 
"I've already told you what I would do ii in 
Bosnia. The final decision is yours, sir. 
You eventually hang up on the guy. He 
chatters too much—talk is cheap and 
time is money. 

After your massage, at 9:23 aM, two 
intensely gorgeous 19-year-old Danish 
au pair girls bring you your breakfast of 
sashimi, rice and green tea. These beau- 
ties are twins, they are topless and they 
beg you to put ice on their nipples and 
coat their breasts with soy sauce while 
you eat. Then they pull you into the hot 
tub, where, joined by your masseuse, 
they rub your precious bodily parts and 
stare at you with total devotion. 

It is now 10:45 am. Time flies when 
you are having fun, doesn't it? Your tee 
time at the hotel's golf course is in 15 
minutes. Your three female companions 
help you dress, carry your golf shoes and 
clubs, open all doors and—a nice touch, 
this—always bow to you as you walk 
through public places. 

There is a minor crisis in the hotel lob- 
by as a protester from the National Or- 
ganization for Women suddenly leaps 
from behind a potted palm and starts 
screaming "Pig! Pig! Pig!" at you. The 
twins, international karate champions, 


By ASA BABER 


YOUR 
TYPICAL DAY 


rip off her NOW button and send her 
flying into the carp pool with a few well- 
placed kicks. Still topless, still smiling 
like Scandinavian sunflowers, they lead 
the hotel employees and guests in spon- 
taneous applause for you and everything 
you represent. 

It is 11:05 a.m. Jack Nicklaus, Arnold 
Palmer and Corey Pavin are waiting pa- 
tiently for you to join them in a golfing 
foursome that has attracted coverage by 
reporters and photographers—includ- 
ing a Cindy Crawford look-alike, who 
wears a cute vest and short shorts and 
who licks her lips at you and moans your 
name as she takes your picture. 

‘The front nine is tough. The crowd is 
huge, the distractions are plentiful and, 
Nicklaus, Palmer and Pavin keep asking 
you for golfing tips. You are driving a 
consistent 420 yards off the tee, your 
long irons are muscular and precise and 
your putting is outstanding. The raw 
truth is that you are a natural golfer and 
they are not. "Guys," you say to them, 
"please stop asking me questions. I can't 
explain my game. I never work at it. I 
just play it, OK?" 

Palmer, Nicklaus and Pavin are appro- 
priately humble. They bow their heads 
in modesty. The Cindy Crawford double. 
picks up the cue and leads the spectators 
1n applause for you and your incredible 
athleticism. 


It is noon as you return to your hotel. 
You lunch on sushi and the Cindy look- 
alike. The twins come in as dessert. Your 
masseuse is the liqueur. But then it is 
time for you to go, much as that fact dis- 
appoints the women. "Sorry, babe," you 
say to each of them. They cling to you in 
tears but you move away gently. “A man's 
gotta do what a man's gotta do," you say. 

The afternoon and evening are jam- 
packed with excitement, and a rundown 
of the rest of your typical day reads like a 
fantasy: 

2:00-5:30 pm: Pick up your Hobie 
Cat, sail around Diamond Head with 
Christie Brinkley. She wants to have din- 


, her with you, but you're booked. 


5:30-10:00 р.м.: Rendezvous with 


¿ Paula Barbieri. O.J. calls from Brent- 


wood and asks to speak with her, but you 
tell him to leave the two of you alone and 
mind his own business. Paula is awed by 
your courage: “Most guys are afraid of 
him,” she says. “Not me,” yon say 

10:30 р.м.-1:30 am.: After-dinner 
drinks with Pamela Anderson at the 
Kaimana Beach Hotel. Your Baywatch 
babe embarrasses you by telling you she 
thinks you are the most perfect man 
she has ever met. It's frightening—can’t 
these women see that you’re human too, 
and that you have weaknesses and flaws? 

1:45-2:30 лм: Several phone calls. Ju- 
lia Roberts likes your screenplay and is 
optioning it; she begs you to play the 
lead opposite her and says that without 
you as her co-star, there will be no 
financing. Drew Barrymore calls and 
just wants to chat, but you're too tired 
and tell her to call back in the morning. 
Elizabeth Hurley calls from London. It's 
a bad connection but she surprises you 
with her direct and earthy conversation; 
you sense that Elizabeth’s attempt over 
the past few years to bond with Hugh 
Grant so that she could forget you is fail- 
ing. Like the rest of your women, she'll 
be back. Lucky for you, they all find you 
irresistible. 

2:30-3:15 Ам: A bedtime massage 
from your dragon lady; the twins try to 
join you, but you send them away. In a 
tew hours, you will have another day like 
today, and you need some sleep. 

8:30 a.m: Time for your massage. Life 
goes on, but life also has its stresses, and 
you’re not sure how much longer you 
can take this pressure. 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Ее heard that exercising the vaginal 
muscles can increase а woman's pleasure 
during intercourse. I wondered if the 
principle applied to men, so I conducted 
a little experiment: After getting my boy- 
friend properly excited, I held my finger 
an inch above his erection and had him 
touch it with the tip of his penis 20 times. 
Could this workout improve our love- 
making?—A.S., Roanoke, Virginia. 

How many sets is he doing? Done regular- 
ly. your boyfriend's dick-ups could strength- 
en his pubococcygeus muscle and. increase 
his stamina. If he wants to know where the 
PC muscle is, tell him to attempt to stop the 
flow of urine when he pees—the tightening 
he feels between his balls and anus is the 
muscle at work. For variety, ask him to lift 
his erection to touch your clitoris, your nip- 
ples (left, right, left, right) or your tongue. 
Make sure he breaks a sweat, if not from the 
physical exertion then at least from whatever 
the hell else you're doing to him. 


The sight of a woman smoking is in- 
credibly sexy to me, and the photos of 
Tahnee Welch with a cigarette in your 
November issue really got me going. My 
girlfriend smokes, and although it made 
her a little uncomfortable at first to know 
that I find it so appealing, she has since 
learned to use it unmercifully to her ad- 
vantage. Am I strange, or is this a fixa- 
tion other men have?—W.R., Charlotte, 
North Carolina. 

Why are we not surprised that you live in 
North Carolina? Justified or not, smoking 
has long been associated with seduction and 
intrigue. And Freud certainly wouldn't raise 
ап eyebrow at the idea that a woman sucking 
on a smooth, elongated tube turns you on. 
Many men who share your enthusiasm say 
they're entranced by the deuil-may-care atti- 
tude that comes from women who insist on 
lighting up in an increasingly smoke-free 
world. Others enjoy the sensual aspects of 
a long, slow exhale. Quite a few actresses 
have demonstrated that smoking can be 
downright sexy (think Marlene Dietrich). To 
satisfy your craving, check out the Internet 
discussion group all.sex.fetish.smohing or 
get a copy of Smoke Signals ($5 from 500 
Waterman Avenue, Suite 193P E. Provi- 
dence, Rhode Island 02914), an enter- 
taining newsletter that includes reader let- 
lers, erotic stories and a list of female 
celebrities who light up on-screen. 


ВЕ don't blame the person who was upset 
in the January Advisor because Adam & 
Eve does not ship explicit videos to Al- 
abama. We regret not being able to send 
perfectly legal material to some states 
(mostly Southern states, as you pointed 
out). However, residents of Indiana, 
Iowa, Kansas and Missouri may be un- 
necessarily worried because you stated 


that Adam & Eve does not ship there. We 
do.—Phil Harvey, president, Adam & 
Eve, Hillsborough, North Carolina. 

If only we could offer this correction: "We 
were completely wrong. You can buy any- 
thing you want anywhere in the U.S.!” 
Wheiher or not their fears of prosecution are 
justified, several video distributors other 
than Adam & Eve do refuse orders from 
those Midwestern states. 


Recently my wife had her teeth 
whitened, a process that requires her to 
wear a plastic mold on her teeth 
overnight. My wife, who gives great 
head, has taken me to new heights. The 
mold allows for full use of tooth and jaw 
pressure, nibbling and other techniques. 
Hooray for modern dentistry! Have you 
heard of this?—T.E., Dallas, Texas. 

Talk about a winning smile. To under- 
stand your heightened pleasure, you need 10 
recognize the root of all anxiety in the fellat- 
ed man: teeth. Subliminally, a man knows 
that to receive a blow job, he must place his 
erection. in a potentially dangerous situa- 
tion. The mold eliminates that fear, allowing 
you to relax like never before and focus on 
the wonderful thing happening to you. 


am a woman who spends several hours 
each evening on the Internet. | have 
been asked to participate in a few online 
affairs, but I have to this point declined 
because I’m not sure of the rules in- 
volved. Any tips for an Internet vir- 
gin?—TS., San Diego, California. 

A reader who describes himself as a former 
“virtual reality bouncer” in various online 
chat rooms recently wrote us with some valu- 
able suggestions: “(1) Never give out your 
phone number. (2) Never give out your home 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA! 


address. (3) If your Internet account asks 
you to inpul your address and phone number 
during the initial sign-up, leave the spaces 
Blank because people can ‘finger’ your e-mail 
account and may be able to obtain that in- 
formation (check with your service provid- 
er). (4) If you're going to meet someone 
from the Net for the first or second time, 
take a friend. Let someone know about any 
gel-logethers after that. Meet in public 
places, (5) You should know a person via the 
Net for at least four months (preferably 
longer) before meeting in person. (6) For best 
results, completely fulfill the criteria in tips 4 
and 5 before disregarding I and 2. The say- 
ing ‘You never know who is on the other end 
of the line’ is still valid. People should have 
fun, but they also should play it safe.” We 
couldn't have said it Бейек 


МА, girlfriend loves Chinese food. I'd 
like to surprise her with an engagement 
ring and the message “Will you marry 
me?" inside her next fortune cookie. Is 
there any way to do this without break- 
ing the cookie?—S.F., New Orleans, 
Louisiana. 

Steam the cookie until it softens. Open it 
carefully, then replace the fortune with the 
ring. Reshape the cookie and allow it to cool. 
Ship the message—she'll get the idea. 


We followed your suggestions for bet- 
ter cunnilingus in the December Advisor 
and they worked! My husband did one 
thing differently, though: You suggested 
the man extend the tip of his tongue to 
meet the clitoris, but he took my clitoris 
between his front teeth and gnawed gen- 
tly. I actually screamed with pleasure! 
Tonight he gets the classic blow job.— 
B.M., Indianapolis, Indiana. 

Don't wake the neighbors. See the next let- 
ter for another suggestion. 


IM, lover and 1 have a sexual tech- 
nique that we'd like to share. She lies on 
her back and I stimulate her vaginal lips 
and ditoris with my tongue. When she is 
well aroused, I begin blowing gently 
across her clitoris. Then I blow a little 
harder through closed lips (like blowing 
a trumpet) until her clitoris begins to vi- 
brate. The frequency and intensity of 
her orgasms have superseded any self- 
consciousness we feel about the odd 
noises (they remind me of Bronx cheers) 
we make. By varying the tempo from an- 
dante to allegro, we can modulate and 
orchestrate her orgasms into multiple 
crescendos! We call it the Venusian ka- 
zoo.—B.V., Cleveland, Ohio. 

Finally, a How job women can enjoy. Be- 
fore we get letters that scold us for noi men- 
lioning it, a word of caution: Teasing a 
woman's clitoris is perfecily safe, but you 


33 


should never blow directly with any force in- 
to the vagina. 


Hotels seem to be a lot stingier when it 
comes to late cancellations. What's the 
story?—K.C., Phoenix, Arizona. 

Rising occupancy rates during the past 
few years have emboldened hotel chains, 
many of which are experimenting with 
penalties to discourage fichle schedulers. Be- 
cause your last-minute change of plans costs 
them money, large hotels now insist guests 
stay as many nights as they reserve or pay 
а 825 to $50 carly-checkout fee. Another 
change is earlier cancellation deadlines. 
Typically, big-city hotels give you until 
six т.м. the day of arrival to cancel a guar- 
anteed reservation without having to pay a 
penalty. Some hotels in convention cities 
have tried moving that deadline up a few 
hours, to midafternoon or noon, but most re- 
treated after customer complaints. Whenever 
you make hotel reservations, be sure to ask 
about cancellation fees and deadlines. 


PLAYBOY 


When is a woman most fertile? My 
girlfriend makes me wear a condom 
when we have sex, but she can’t possibly 
be able to get pregnant every day of the 
month.—TR., Los Angeles, California. 

According to a study published in the 
“New England Journal of Medicine,” a 
woman has a window of about six days dur- 
ing her monthly menstrual cycle when she 
can be impregnated. Her hot zone is the day 
of ovulation, during which one of her ova- 
ries releases an egg into one of her fallo- 
pian tubes to hook up with any available 
sperm. Your girlfriend’s remaining fertile 
days occur during the week or so before ovu- 
lation, and in some cases a day after. That 
doesn't leave much room for error if you 
want unprotected sex without the possibility 
of pregnancy, especially because calculating 
when ovulation occurs can be tricky. Keep 
your condom on and leave the body lempera- 
ture charts, hormone tests and guesswork to 
couples who are ready for the miracle of life. 
What you're looking for used to be called the 
rhythm method. It was very successful—al 
making babies. 


Most articles I've read on skin care are 
written for women. Do you have any tips 
for men?—K.P, Elgin, Illinoi 

The best advice we've heard is to imagine 
your skin belongs io someone you love. To 
that end, apply oil-free or low-oil moisturiz- 
er after you pat dry from the shower and 
your sk И damp. Wash, don't scrub, 
and use only glycerin soap. Drink lots of wa- 
ter, then drink some more. Use sunscreen. 
And avoid aftershaves that contain alcohol, 
which can dry your skin. 


Mam engaged to a wonderful man. The 
problem is that nearly every time he 
spots an attractive woman, he cranes for 
a better view. He stops midsentence to 
stare, which makes me feel unattractive. 
34 What's your take? Am I being oversensi- 


tive, or is he being boorish?—EA., New 
York, New York. 

He's being boorish, and you can tell him 
ve said so. We'll never condemn a guy for 
recognizing and soaking up the aura of a 
beautiful woman, even when he's already 
with one. But this sounds like a simple mat- 
ter of manners. When his partner is talking, 
a gentleman listens. And no matter how gor- 
geous a female passerby may be, he doesn't 
crane his neck for anyone, 


Last month my girlfriend and I decid- 
ed to move in together. We figured that 
because many married couples make 
prenuptial agreements, we should put 
some things on paper too. Do you have 
any advice on our contract of living and 
love?—R.D., Duluth, Minnesota. 

Before you morph your lives, browse 
through “The Living Together Kit,” pub- 
lished by Nolo Press (800-992-6656), a book 
compiled by attorneys Toni Ihara and Ralph 
Warner that is now in its seventh edition. 
Ihara and Warner, who lived together for 19 
years before getting hitched, start by noting 
that some states still outlaw cohabitation and 
sex unless you're married. Cops won't be 
knocking down your door, but it’s a good 
thing to know. The lauyers also address is- 
sues such as whether you should keep sepa- 
rate financial accounts (yes), the fine print of 
joint ownership, what to do before you have 
children and smoothing the wrinkles if the 
grand experiment doesn't work out. This isa 
book filled with legal contracts, not romance. 
Be prepared to negotiate for more serious is- 
sues than who controls the remote. “Many 
people feel that filling out or crealing a con- 
tract makes them deal with the very guts of 
their relationship,” Ihara and Warner say. 
“This is healthy, but it can be trying. If you 
both feel you've given up a little more than 
you received, you're on the right track.” 


In January, you answered a letter from a 
woman whose husband has sex with her 
in his sleep. I can relate. About twice a 
year I wake in the middle of the night to 
find my husband kneeling by the side of 
the bed, ready to go. He whispers nasty 
things in my ear (I know he's asleep be- 
cause he never says anything like that 
awake). In the morning, all he can say is 
“Т don't know what happened” with a 
funny grin on his face. It makes me feel 
sexy, loved, wanted! All women should 
be so lucky.—S.N., Houston, Texas. 
We're glad 10 hear you're having great 
sex, but we're not convinced that your hus- 
band is zonked. More likely he fakes sleep be- 
cause he's turned on by having you take con- 
trol (he’s “asleep,” after all, which puts you 
in command). Or perhaps he fears your reac- 
tion if he talks dirty without the excuse that 
he was unaware of what he was doing. Next 
time, whisper some nasty things bach at him. 


Your response in the January Advisor to 
the question about "the move" on Sein- 
feld made me laugh out loud. In a more 


recent episode, Elaine stockpiled Today 
contraceptive sponges because they had 
been taken off the market. Did that actu- 
ally happen, or was it just a story line?— 
B.N., Providence, Rhode Island. 
Unfortunately, it was based on fact. The 
Today sponge, available since 1983 and the 
only product of its kind, was discontinued in 


January 1995 by Whitehall-Robins Health- 


care after a dispute with the Food and Drug 
Administration over the company’s manu- 
facturing process. The sponge's eight percent 
{failure vate didn't make it one of the most ef- 
fective birth control methods, but it did have 
advantages: It could be inserted up to 24 
hours before sex, you didn’t need to apply 
spermicide and there was no prescription or 
fitting required. The device worked by block- 
ing the cervix, releasing spermicide over 30 
hours and absorbing and destroying sperm 

Each sponge was good for multiple acts of 
intercourse during a 24-hour period, so 
Elaine was being a bit fussy when she ex- 
pressed concern that her new beau wasn't 
"sponge-wortlry" —if the sex was timed right, 
one sponge could last much of a weekend. 


Is it me or are women becoming “long 
dong” crazy? Wherever I look—from 
talk shows to Top 40 songs—women 
seem to complain about how men with 
average-size penises aren't enough for 
them anymore. Where can a guy find a 
woman who will be satisfied with his 
manhood?—M.R., Dallas, Texas. 

They're everywhere, actually. But many 
Americans do seem obsessed with big things: 
meals, malls, cars, penises. Thankfully, most 
women are smarter than that. As we've said 
before, a large erection (defined by sex re- 
searchers as anything beyond the average of 
five to seven inches) doesn’t make you a bet- 
ler lover. What does is dedication and experi- 
ence. Besides, why judge yourself using a 
yardstick most people will never see? More 
important, for every woman who longs for a 
lover with a big penis, another complains 
that it makes intercourse uncomfortable. In 
а way, the fixation parallels the preoccupa- 
tion some men have for women with large 
breasts. They lose sight of the fact that 
women, like men, come in all varieties. 
That's what keeps life interesting. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette—uill be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes а self- 
addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Send all 
letters to the Playboy Advisor, пълхвоу, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Hli- 
nois 60611, or by e-mail to advisor@play- 
boy.com. Look for responses to our most fre- 
quently asked questions on the World Wide 
Web at http://www. playboy.com/fag/faghimt. 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


You have to love the Internal Rev- 
enue Service. You have no choice. 

In 1992 Lawrence McCormick, a 
Brooklyn retiree, wrote the words 
"under protest" beneath his signa- 
ture on his tax return. The IRS 
promptly slapped a $500 penalty on 
him for filing a "frivolous return," im- 
plying that the two words invalidated 
all information on McCormick's re- 
turn. (The IRS did not allege any in- 
accuracies in the return.) 

McCormick sued. Federal judge 
Jack Weinstein issued a rare defeat 
for the IRS's expansionary 
view of its own power. In ruling 
that the agency had violated 
McCormick's constitutional 
rights, the judge insisted that 
the First Amendment "protects 
the right of protest to any 
branch of government. A tax- 
payer need not suffer in silent 
acquiescence to a perceived 
injustice.” 

‘The IRS response to this rul- 
ing? It announced that the 
judge's decision was wrong, 
and that it would impose the 
same $500 fine on any taxpay- 
er who adds his or her two 
cents to a tax return. It's called 
nonacquiescence—the princi- 
ple that no judiciary short of 
the Supreme Court can inter- 
fere with the IRS. 

Over the past few years, 
Americans have started to call 
for deregulation of bureaucra- 
cies from OSHA to the EPA, 
ing anecdote after anecdote of 
power abuse. But the Internal 
Revenue Service—the one gov- 
ernment agency that intrudes 
into every taxpaying citizen's 
life—appears beyond reform 
With a staff of 112,000 and a 
budget of almost $7.5 billion, the IRS 
champions the idea that U.S. citizens 
pay taxes of their own free will. Its 
1992 annual report declared: 
“Our system of taxation is based on 
the willingness of citizens to assess 
and pay their taxes voluntarily.” 

But as long as taxes are seized 
through withholding, most citizens 
have little opportunity to resist. The 


vo ДХ В.А 


A. 


By JAMES BOVARD 


payroll tax system (imposed in 1942 
as a temporary measure) has institu- 
tionalized the principle that politi- 
cians have first dibs on a worker's 
paycheck. When it comes to inspiring 
willingness, the IRS is unmatched. 
The IRS can seize property and at- 
tach liens without asking the taxpay- 
er's permission, without giving the 
taxpayer a chance to refuse. Since 
1954, the number of different penal- 
ties that the IRS can impose on tax- 
payers has increased from 13 to 150. 
It can fine you for failing to report 


your income accurately, for negli- 
gence, for failing to make a reason- 
able attempt to comply with the tax 
laws (all 17,000 pages of them), for 
being careless, reckless or frivolous. 
In 1994 the IRS imposed 34 million 
penalties on taxpayers. The dollar 
amount of penalties the IRS has as- 
sessed has risen from $1.3 billion in 
1978 to $13.2 billion in 1994. The av- 


ши! 
TS М 
107Î 7Î the internal revenue service has its own ideas on how to deal with critics 


LV ER 


erage fine amounts to 20 percent of 
what the IRS thinks you owe, with in- 
terest compounded daily. If the IRS 
suspects fraud, the penalty jumps to 
75 percent. 

The proliferation of tax penalties 
enables the IRS to threaten taxpayers 
ith severe retaliation for the slight- 
est error. Combine that with a tax 
code that almost guarantees error 
(one IRS agent told Congress he 
could find mistakes or misinterpreta- 
tions in 99 percent of the returns) 
and you have a recipe for abuse. Sen- 
ator David Pryor (D-Ark.) once 
complained on the floor of 
Congress that the IRS used 
penalties “as a weapon, as a 
whip over the innocent and the 
guilty taxpayer's head, and as a 
point of leverage.” 

While willing to pounce on a 
confused citizenry, the IRS re- 
fuses to correct its own record. 
Using IRS data, one analyst 
calculated that almost half of 
the IRS’ annual penalty notices 
are erroneous. We are talking 
big bucks. In 1994 taxpayers 
willing to challenge the IRS 
forced the government to drop 
$5 billion in erroneous penal- 
ties. If a private bill-collection 
agency sent out millions of un- 
justified demands for payment, 
it would most likely be prose- 
cuted for fraud or extortion. 

Is the IRS overzealous, or 
malicious? Could the millions 
of inaccurate penalties actually 
be part of an exercise in mass 
intimidation—an effort to 
achieve a presence in people's 
personal lives? 

"That presence is not simply a 
brief audit, or a request for 
more information. IRS penalty 
notices are always presumed correct, 
regardless of lack of evidence. The 
burden rests with the taxpayer to 
prove otherwise. IRS officials have 
sweeping discretionary powers to pe- 
nalize citizens and to drag them 
through years of legal hell. 

Consider this example: In 1983 the 
IRS decided to investigate Melvin 
Powers for his 1978 and 1979 tax 


returns (which he had filed late). 
Powers was a Houston builder and 
owner of five office buildings. The 
IRS had made no effort to examine 
Powers’ tax returns during the three 
years of the statute of limitations. (In 
most cases, the agency cannot audit 
returns after three years of the filing 
date.) Six weeks before the limitations 
expired on his 1978 return, an IRS 
agent asked Powers to sign a waiver 
allowing the IRS to leave the matter 
open for another three years. 
Powers willingly agreed. In 1986 
Powers notified the IRS of his in- 
tention to end the extension, for the 
IRS had made no effort to examine 
his records in the years since 1983. 
The IRS responded by disallowing al- 
most all of Powers’ business deduc- 
tions for 1978 and 1979 and by de- 
manding more than $7 million in 
back taxes, interest and penalties. 
Shortly after the assessment, a court 
seized Powers’ operations, caused 
him to vacate his office and took pos- 
session of his books and records. 


In early 1991 the IRS conceded 
that Powers actually had large losses 
in both 1978 and 1979 and thus owed 
no taxes. 

Other IRS vendettas have not end- 
ed in such benign fachion. In 1970 
Alex and Kay Council invested part 
of a $300,000 bonus in a tax shelter 
that their accountant advised them 

was legitimate. In October 1983, 
after the three-year statute of 

е limitations for their tax liability 

expired, the IRS sent them a 

statement demanding $183,021 
in tax, penalties and interest for their 
1979 return. 

The Councils’ accountant request- 
ed a copy of the official assessment 
from the IRS and an explanation of 
the alleged tax deficiency. He also 
pointed out that the statute of limita- 
tions had already expired for 1979. 
"The IRS furnished no explanation of 
the deficiency notice until February 
1985, when it claimed it had mailed a 
certified letter that stated the tax 
deficiency to the Councils in early 
1983, just before the statute of limita- 
tions expired. But the agency refused 
to provide the Councils with a copy of 
its certified mailing list. The mailing 
list would have shown that the IRS 
sent the tax notice to the wrong ad- 
dress, yet IRS lawyers refused to back 
down. In 1987 the IRS imposed a 
$284,718 lien on the Councils’ prop- 
erty and assets. Alex Council had bor- 
rowed money to finance his construc- 
tion business, but the IRS lien 

destroyed his credit. After Council's 


business collapsed, he committed 
а 


е. 
When the Councils’ dispute finally 
made it to the courtroom, the judge 
threw the case out of court, ordering 
the agency to revoke its deficiency as- 
sessment and to remove its liens on 
Kay Council's property. Judge Frank 
Bullock further noted that “despite 
the Councils’ notifying the IRS as ear- 
ly as October 1983 that they had re- 
ceived no notice of deficiency, and 
their continued request for in- 
formation from the IRS, the IRS 
never consulted the one piece of 
information that might well have 
settled this dispute and avoided liti- 
gation, i.e., the Postal Service records 


The tax level measures govern- 
теп 5 financial power over the in- 
dividual. It is a precise gauge of 
the subjugation of the citizen to 
the financial demands of the state. 

According to the Tax Founda- 
tion, a nonprofit research organi- 
zation based in Washington. D.C.. 
the average citizen had to work 
from January | through May 2 in 
1992 to pay his taxes. In high-tax 
states, the citizen's tax sentence 
was even higher: In New York, the 
average citizen had to work until 
May 19 to pay his taxes. In Con- 
necticut, the date of liberation was 
May 11. Ifthe government were to 
announce a program of forced la- 
bor and conscript every taxpayer 
for more than a third of a year 
without any compensation, there 
would likely be a national revolt. 
The Tax Foundation puts the tax 

bite in personal terms: The 

median two-income family 

spends more on taxes than, 

it does on housing, medical 
care, food and clothing. 

The Office of Management and 
Budget estimated in January 1994 
that males born between 1980 and 
1992 will have to surrender more 
than half of their lifetime earnings 
to tax collectors. The average man 
born in 1952 will be forced to pay 
$171,000 more in taxes than he re- 
ceives from the government, and 
the average man born in 1967 will 
pay in more than $200,000 more 
than he receives, according to the 
OMB. (In making this calculation, 


THE, TAX BITE 


regarding the delivery of the Coun- 
cils’ п of deficiency.” 

185 Commissioner Margaret Rich- 
ardson, appearing before a congres- 
sional committee in March 1995, de- 
clared: “Contrary to what is often, in 
my experience, a very distorted 
stereotype, the vast majority of our 
employees care very deeply about 
providing good customer service and 
protecting taxpayers’ rights. My hope 
is that the overwhelming number of 
taxpayers who come in contact with 
us will come to know us as a genteel, 
Gulliver-like giant." 

James Bovard is the author of "Shake- 
doum” and “Lost Rights.” 


the OMB doesn’t include such 
things as the value of government 
spending on education, highways, 
defense or other services. Is 
the OMB trying to tell us 
ə something?) 
The average American 
family head will be forced to 
do 20 years’ labor to pay taxes in 
his or her lifetime. 

The Tax Foundation reported 
that total taxes collected by gov- 
ernment at all levels in 1992 were 
85 percent higher than total taxes 
collected in 1982. Taxes increased 
50 percent faster than the inflation 
rate did during the same period. 

The most important develop- 
ment in modern political thinking 
may be the shift in presumption as 
to who has the right to a dollar: 
the person who earned it or the 
politicians who control the ma- 
chinery of state. The 16th Amend- 
ment to the Constitution gave 
Congress unlimited power to tax. 
In 1943 the Supreme Court de- 
clared that “an income tax deduc- 
tion is a matter of legislative 
grace.” This statement, quoted 
hundreds of times in subsequent 
decisions in various federal courts, 
confirms that Congress has ac- 
quired an unlimited right to any 
citizen's income simply by a leg- 
islative decree. "Grace" means 
"favor." That you are allowed 
to keep some of your income [ 
is simply a favor that politi- 7 
cians choose to give. Some 

favor. —JB. 


——— 


— 


ДЕШЕ ЕМЕ 


the playboy forum's favorite web sites 


FIRST AMENDMENT 
CYBERTRIBUNE 

Altp://w3 trib.com/FACT/ 

Charles Levendosky, editorial page 
editor of Casper, Wyoming's Star-Tri- 
bune and a past winner of a Playboy 
Foundation First Amendment Award, 
pays tribute to the first and best 
amendment. His site focuses on pro- 
tecting religious liberty and free 
speech and includes weekly updates 
on the activities of the politicians, 
zealots and other clueless individuals 
who threaten those freedoms. 


ELECTRONIC FRONTIER 
FOUNDATION 
hitp://uurw.eff-org 

If you're concerned about 
liberties online (particularly your 
right to write and view what you 
please), add FFF to your hot list 
Its home page includes news 
about recent legislation and law- 
suits (including congressional 
proposals to censor online dis- 
course and efforts by the Church 
of Scientology to squash critics), 
a huge archive of files covering 
censorship issues and a collec- 
tion of the “brightest and stu- 
pidest things ever said” about 
liberty and cyberspace. You can 
subscribe to EFF's free e-mail 
newsletter by sending the mes- 
sage “Subscribe effector-online" 
to listserv@eff.org. 


ELECTRONIC PRIVACY 
INFORMATION CENTER 
hitp:/kawu.epic.org 

Besides its well-organized guide to 
privacy issues, this site includes up- 
dates on the clipper chip, the digital 
telephony law and other bad ideas 
that make it easier for federal agents 
to snoop online. The Center for 
Democracy and Technology (http:// 
www.cdt.org) offers similar resources. 


THOMAS 

hitp.//thomas.loc.gov 

Created by the Library of Congress 
and named for Thomas Jefferson, 
this site includes the text of the Con- 
stitution, the Bill of Rights, The Con- 


gressional Record and pending House 
and Senate bills, all searchable by key- 
word. Another useful archive, located 
at Cornell Law School (http://www. 
law.cornell.edu/supct/), contains U.S. 
Supreme Court decisions from 1990 
to the present, arranged by topic. 


THE REACTIONARY RIGHT 
hutp://urww.webcom.com/~albany/rr-html 
One-stop shopping for anyone who 
gets a kick out of the antics of the 
right. It includes extensive links to 
sites that blast Rush Limbaugh, Ho- 
locaust revisionists, the Christian Co- 


alition, Pat Robertson, the Promise 
Keepers, Focus on the Family, the Na- 
tional Rifle Association, militias, white 
supremacists and right-wing politi- 
cians such as Bob Dole, Newt Gin- 
grich, Jesse Helms, Lyndon La- 
Rouche and Ronald Reagan. Its 
major fault: too many recruiting 
pitches for the Democratic Party. You 
don't have to be a member of any par- 
ty to dislike blowhards. 


BANNED BOOKS ONLINE 
‚hitp://www.cs.cmu.edu/Web/People/spok/ 
banned-books.html 

This site, an offshoot of the Online 
Books Page, includes links to the on- 
line text of books that have been cen- 
sored at some time or another, in- 
cluding James Joyce’s Ulysses, D.H. 


Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover, 
Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn and 
works by Shakespeare. While reading 
these texts on a computer screen isn't 
very satisfying, it's reassuring to know 
that in digital form they can be repro- 
duced and distributed throughout 
the world with a click of the mouse. 
Electrons also aren't flammable. 


THE FILE ROOM 

htip://fileroom.aaup.uic.edu/FileRoom/ 

documents /homepage.html 

Launched by a group of Chicago 

artists, the File Room documents inci- 
dents of censorship from around 
the world, dating from before 
Christ and involving a wide vari- 
ety of media. Browse by date, lo- 
cation, grounds for censorship 
(sexual, religious, racial. politi- 
cal) or medium (print, fashion, 
film, performance, online). Like 
Banned Books Online, the site 
allows you to see what bureau- 
crats or moralists would rather 
suppress by including photos of 
many of the works. 


THE ELECTRONIC ACTIVIST 
hitp://www.berkshire.net/~ifas/ 
activist/ 

This Institute for First Amend- 
ment Studies site lists the e-mail 
addresses of hundreds of gov- 
ernment officials and media out- 
lets, complete with decorative red, 
white and blue dots. If you write 
Capitol Hill, be forewarned that 
e-mail from voters and special inter- 
est groups has overwhelmed its com- 
puters in the past, so you may not re- 
ceive your form letter response any 
more quickly than if you had licked a 
stamp. Of course, it's the thought that 
counts. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 

http: /fararw playboy.com/forum/forum.htmi 
Be it ever so humble, our digital 
home includes highlights from the 
current issue, past Forum articles 
about Net censorship, selected pas- 
sages from the Playboy Philosophy and 
a hypertext version of this hot list. 
Visit early, visit often. --СНІРЕОМЕ 


39 


40 


R E 


E R 


THE NAME GAME 
Here are more responses to our 
“Name That Zealot” contest (“The 
Playboy Forum,” December), in 
which we asked for anew name for 
the religious right, along with the 
results (see page 42) 


Theidiots. It’s a disparaging 
term, to be sure, but one that 
includes two basic elements of 
the religious right: theocrats, 
for its longing to turn America 
into a Christian nation, and id- 
iots, founded on its narrow- 
minded lack of common sense. 
Another option might be God- 
matics, an anagram of dogmat- 
ics but also a word that brings 
to mind the image of an au- 
tomaton God. 

George Scileppi 
Glendale, California 


Great American Heretics. 
They're great in ego, they're 
truly American because they 
have an opinion on everything 
whether they're informed or 
not and they're most certainly 
heretics because they ignore 
the tenets of every religion in 
the world, including their own. 

Steven Wheelhouse 
Wichita, Kansas 


Glazed Doughnuts. Most re- 
ligious right leaders have a per- 
manent goofy smile. Just look 
at Randall Terry when he's de- 
fending some act of terrorism. 
He'll smile and cock his head 
through the whole thing. Pco- 
ple who are severely indoctri- 
nated all seem to have this 
glazed-doughnut lock. 

Dr. Jeff Appling 
Six Mile, South Carolina 


I'mstill working on a name. I 
do have a title for your contest 
theme song, though: We're AU 


Made in God's Image, But I'm a Better 


Likeness Than You. 


FOR THE RECORD 


|, TWO. ON THE ООВ 


Justice David Souter: "Could she call the po- 
lice and say, ‘Look out for my car. I think it's go- 
ing to be used in prostitution? If we're going to 
have a negligence standard, we have to know, 
what could she do?" 


Justice Department Attorney Richard Sca- 
mon: “She can still make a defense by showing, 
she took all reasonable steps to prevent [her 
property from being used illegally].” 


Justice Anthony Kennedy: "So, it's the posi- 
tion of the solicitor general's office that wives 
should call the police about their husbands if 
they know they're frequenting prostitutes?” 


Seamon: “Not in every case.” 

—EXCHANGE DURING THE SUPREME COURT APPEAL 
OF A CASE IN WHICH FOLICE ARRESTED A MAN FOR 
SOLICITING A PROSTITUTE AND SEIZED THE CAR 
HE WAS DRIVING. AS CO-OWNER OF THE CAR, HIS 
WIFESUED THE STATE OF MICHIGAN FOR HALF ITS 
VALUE ON THE GROUNDS THAT SHE HAD NO 
KNOWLEDGE OF THE CRIME 


Pulpiteers. 
Donald Dorr 


verb: “Someone thumped the 
Mapplethorpe exhibit.” 
Jeff LaMarche 
Albany, New York 


The Holy Dolers. 
Michael Brasher Davis 
Baton Rouge, Louisiana 


Bible Bullies. 
Charles Sedley 
Charlottesville, Virginia 


Holy in the Head. As in, “We 
need them like a. .. ." 
Floyd Caplow 
Vacaville, California 


Scourges of God. During the 
Spanish Inquisition, this is what 
the inquisitors proudly called 
themselves. 

James Bragge 
Clovis, New Mexico 


Tomas de Torquemada, the 
ruthless grand inquisitor of the 
Spanish Inquisition, once ob- 
served, “When you are sure 
you are right, you have a moral 
obligation to impose your will 
on anyone who disagrees with 
you.” It's only fitting, then, that 
those who wish to champion his 
philosophy also bear his name: 
the Torquemadans. 

Fred Leonard 
Bethesda, Maryland 


In The True Believer, Eric Hof- 
fer correctly observes that the 
far right and the far left have 
more in common with each oth- 
er than with the rest of us. So 
how about a name for everyone 
else? 1 suggest the 96 Percent 
Fanatic Free. 

Dennis Williamson 
White River Junction, Vermont 


The Amen Corner. Twenty 
years ago, I did my share of 


Bible-thumping. On the pulpit you 


Susan Eareckson 
East Lansing, Michigan 


Spencer, Massachusetts 


Devolutionists. 
Pipeliners, because the religious Neil Beckenstein 
right believes it has a direct channel Stevenson Ranch, California 
to God. 


John Moritz 
Holland, Michigan 


How about Thumpers? It’s short, 
easy to remember and сап be used as а 


would rip all things ungodly, then ask, 
“Do you hear me, brothers and sis- 
ters?” You could always count on one 
group in the far corner to say “Amen!” 
over everyone else. They were also 
the first ones to cluck at someone's 
indiscretion. 

John Truesdale 

Paw Paw, West Virginia 


R E S 


EO 


[ o в u м | 


Ni “Чы E 


The Ebullitionists, borrowed from 
Attorney General Edward Bates, who 
wrote at the end of the Civil War: “When 
the public cauldron is heated into vio- 
lent cbullition, it is sure to throw up 
from the bottom some of its dirtiest 
dregs. Once boiled up to the top they 
expand into foam and froth and dance 
frantically before the gaping crowd.” 
Jack Millis 
Langlois, Oregon 


Prigs (“a formal or narrow-minded 
person who assumes superior virtue, 
wisdom or learning’). 

John Richburg 
Lancaster, South Carolina 


The Divinely Deluded. 
Max Behner 
San Diego, California 


I-theist. The I-theist believes there is 

a God, and I am he. It would be ironic 
if the winning entry came 
from Tulsa, the buckle of 
the Bible Belt. For years 
we have lived in the shad- 
ow of that 900-foot I-theist, 
Oral Roberts. 

Mike Henley 

Tulsa, Oklahoma 


Jerks for Jesus. 
Fred and Beth Stieg 
Aurora, Colorado 


Piously Dysfunctional. Peo- 
ple who have an excessive con- 
cern for the morals of others 
make me wonder what it is they 
have to hide. 
Gary Myers 
Rancho Cordova, California 


The Squirrel Rabble, because 
they not only bite the hand that 
feeds them, they bite any hand. 
They're also nuts. 

H. Forest 
Tempe, Arizona 


The Religious Trite, because 
they're always using the same 
old, tired, dogmatic arguments. 
Dennis Pasek 
Ogden, Utah 


Declinationist, or one who be- 
lieves that society is in decline 
and that too many people ex- 
hibit a lack of morals. The word 


has potential because it can be miscon- 

strued as a term describing someone 

who wants to “de-Clintonize” America. 
Christopher Scherer 
Austin, Texas 


The Theocratic Edge, because it in- 
volves a dangerous, cutting movement. 
Robert Hall 
Palmyra, Pennsylvania 


The Jellypreachers, because jellyfish 
are flabby, translucent and try to put 
their tentacles everywhere. 

Michel Inkel 
Sherbrooke, Quebec 


Moral Materialists, because they use 
religion like an addict uses a drug. 
Jon Runger 
Hays, Kansas 


Moreholies. Note that this entry de- 
scribes the logic of most 
of the religious right's 


EY OOP ҢҮ BUORSHEL 


arguments: The more holy they claim 
to be, the more holes in their logic 
David Cohen 
Shaker Heights, Ohio 


The Constitutionally Unfit. 
Michael Stasko 
Columbus, Ohio 


‘Tax-Exempt Twits. 
Minesh Shah 
New York, New York 


Pious Projectionists, because they 
project their internal demons by per- 
ceiving them as external, and every- 
where. Liars suspect they are being lied 
to, manipulators suspect they are being 
manipulated. We arc all guilty of occa- 
sional projection. But nowhere is this 
behavior demonstrated so blatantly as 
under the cloak of piety. 

Mark Hallinan 
"Tampa, Florida 


MULL! 


Thirty-five lesbian photographers contributed to "Nothing 
but the Girl," a remarkable collection of erotic lesbian im- 
ages. Author Susie Bright and photographer Jill Posener 
have created a unique 
gallery. Men's fascination 
with women has created a 
multitude of images—all 
shaped by the male gaze. 
What do women see when 
they desire women? The 
female gaze invites intima- 
cy that challenges stan- 


dard definitions of erotica, 
capturing in stark detail 
different moments of rela- 
tionships. Nothing stands 
between the subject and 
the viewer іп “Girl"—no 
pedestals, no gauze, no 
soft focus, no ideal of 
beauty. These women 
aren't models. They are 
friends, lovers, collabora- 
tors and outlaws—an ex- 
quisite balance of sapphic 
reality and fantasy, uncon- 
ventional in the hands of 
the women who live it. 


MM MAMMA LAMB LLLA AGA CLA LLL LU 


41 


42 


Moral Supremacists. They're so ar- 
rogant they'll probably be flattered. 
Lee Cole 
Des Moines, Iowa 


The Kooky Righteous. It's not a co- 
incidence that when spoken fast, this 
sounds like cucaracha, the Spanish 
word for cockroach. 

Gene Gardner 
Fredericksburg, Virginia 


The Holy Herd. 
Ralph Kolby 
Austin, Texas 


The Morally Dyslexic. They see 
everything backward. 


group that attempts to impose its will 
upon others. 

M.L. San Blise 

San Diego, California 


I live on the front lines of the New 
Inquisition. The school board has a 
majority of religious right members. 
Ignoring the protests of parents, it 
has passed several resolutions to in- 
troduce a religious agenda into the 
schools. Any depiction of homosexu- 
ality as a positive lifestyle has been 


banned everywhere on school prop- 
erty, for instance. The idea of a morn- 
ing prayer brought such heated op- 
position that the board backed down 
and called it a "moment of silence." 


| | | г о в о | ( 


While the idea of stirring up a hor- 
net's nest by bringing a Playmate to a 
church social has some attraction, 1 
think a better idea would be to have 
her distribute fact sheets about candi- 
dates near the polls on election day. 
That would sure get the “apathetic” 
18-to-24-year-old vote out! 

Scott Babb 
Merrimack, New Hampshire 


We would like to hear your point of 
view. Send questions, opinions and quirky 
stuff to: Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime phone number. Fax number: 312- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com. 


Douglas Curran 
Chinle, Arizona 


Godzown, because mem- 
bers of the religious right 
are supposedly among the 
select few who know what 
God is thinking. 

Don Woodard 
Cooper City, Florida 


Let's call them “God's 
Little Earwigs,” since they 
claim to be inside God's 
head. Unfortunately, they 
don't seem to possess much 
of the wisdom that must be 
stored there. 

Vic Pestrak 

Goodlettsville, Tennessee 


With the religious right 
focusing on ridding the In- 
ternet of “indecency,” how 
about a slogan from some- 
one who feels that these 
herds of Religious Sheep 
should get the flock out of 
cyberspace? 

John Pritchett 
San Diego, California 


Your contest reflects the 
same concern I felt when a 
fundamentalist church in 
San Diego decided to “wit- 
ness" in lesbian and gay 
neighborhoods by carrying 
signs proclaiming that Gop 
HATES FAGS and AIDS 15 GODS 
PEST CONTROL. I responded 
with posters that read THIS 
NEIGHBORHOOD HAS BEEN IN- 
FESTED BY BIBLE-THUMPERS 
WHO THRIVE ON ANGER AND 
MEDIA ATTENTION. PLEASE 
DONT FEED THE FUNDIES. Lo- 
cal gay newspapers now use 
that name to refer to any 


The list goes on. 


It was a task of biblical propor- 
tions. After sorting through the 
nearly 1500 enuries to our Religious 
Right Name Game that arrived by 
mail, over the Internet and through 
the fax machine, we began the 
process of elimination. As much as 
we appreciate the creativity of our 
readers, we started by setting aside 
the artwork, photographs, job appli- 
cations, poctry, discourses on the na- 
ture of man and religion, and toe- 
tapping music (the drum-machine 
opus False Utopian Teachers in La-la 
Earth was a favorite). We discarded 
many entries because they over- 
looked our suggestions not to use 
profanity and to be prudent with 
words such as Christian or religious. 
Others went overboard with allur- 
ing alliterations (one reader sent a 
three-word entry for every letter of 
the alphabet except X) or composed 
complicated oaTLusts—Overcooked 
Acronyms That Left Us Speaking in 
Tongues. 

In the end, we chose six finalists 
who had pulled their entries from 
the hat of simplicity. They rolled off 
the tongue. They were witty. They 
displayed outrage rather than out- 
rageousness. After much soul- 
searching and heated debate, we 
awarded honorable mentions and a 


nd the winner 18 


(Please include city and state.) 


personal Easter card from Playmate 
Gillian Bonner to George Scileppi 
(Theidiots), Rick Fox (the Wee 
Right), Bob Kimmel (Moralistas), 
Rocky Frisco (the Religious Reich) 
and Patrick Prescott (the Chosen 
Frozen). That left us with . . . 


THE MORAL MAFIA 


The name caught our attention 
because it reflects the strong-arm 
tactics of the group formerly known 
as the religious right. Like a tradi- 
tional Mafia, its members operate in 
secrecy and demand unquestioning 
loyalty. They condemn anyone who 
crosses them and possess political 
power based mostly on the specter 
of what they might do. Finally, they 
strike decisively, causing a lot of 
commotion. We'd also scen the 
moniker used sporadically on news- 
paper editorial pages before our 
contest began, making it a strong 
candidate for widespread accep- 
tance among reporters and pol 
cians. The first of several rcaders 
wbo submitted the entry, Craig Hill, 
has been offered the opportunity to 
attend a church social with a chaper- 
oned Playmate in his hometown of 
Dayton, Ohio. To everyone who en- 
tered but didn't win: You should 
have prayed harder. —THE EDITORS 


N E W 


ЗЕ ak 


OJ sal. 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


NOSY SPERM 


DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA—Duke Uni- 
versity researchers have discovered that 
sperm cells have noses—or at least the 
Same molecules that the nose uses to detect 


odors. Their findings could lead to the de- 
velopment of new contraceptives. If sper- 
matozoa sniff out eggs instead of blunder 
into them, then it might be possible to de- 
velop a drug that blocks their ability to pick 
up the egg scent. The next step, says one of 
the researchers, is to track down the “per- 
fume” emitted by the egg. 


AIDS PREVENTION 


SEATTLE—Researchers at the University 
of Washington have found a drug that 
seems to prevent transmission of AIDS 
among monkeys. An article in the journal 
“Science” reports that a group of primates 
exposed to SIV (the simian equivalent of 
HIV) failed to contract the disease when 
treated, either before or after exposure (up 
to 24 hours), with a drug called PMPA. 
Every primate in a control group tested. 
Positive. If anything, researchers say, the 
monkey version of AIDS is more transmis- 
sible than HIV. So far, PMPA appears to 
be much less toxic than AZT and poten- 
tially much more effective. 


TWO-TIMERS 


SAN MARCOS—A Texas district attorney 
determined that more than 100 prosecu- 
tions for drug possession are in jeopardy 


because defendants paid a state drug tax 
after their arrests. The tax, passed in 
1989, was designed to falten law enforce- 
ment coffers and discourage would-be of- 


fenders. But a court ruled recently that to 


both prosecute a defendant and collect the 
tax results in double jeopardy, which is a 
constitutional violation. 


AUSSIE ANTICS 


SYDNEY—Sex educators in Australia 
distributed miniature training condoms to 
schoolboys between the ages of eight and 
12, hoping they would get the hang of 
putting them on before becoming sexually 
active. The head of Australia’s Public 
Safety Advisory Group made the minirub- 
bers all the more appealing with bright col- 
ors, pictures of rock stars and positive mes- 
Sages about safe sex. A majority of teachers 
and parents support the campaign, as- 
sured that the boys will be more likely to use 
condoms when they actually begin having 
sex. The project's promoter remarked, “The 
boys really like the condoms because they 
make them [eel grown up.” 


CLEARLY CONFLICTED 


FORT WAYNE, INDIANA—Despiite the fact 
that free condom distribution lowered the 
number of syphilis cases from 162 to 12 in 
three years, the county council nixed ap- 
proval of a health department plan to use 
a budget surplus to replenish its depleted 
condom supply. (The money came from 
a grant issued to assist in the prevention 
of sexually transmitted diseases.) Skittish 
council members questioned government 
involvement in condom distribution, an is- 
sue debated three years ago when the coun- 
cil insisted that the health department stop 
handing out flavored condoms instead of 


plain ones 
LAUGH TAX 


SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA—Political 
cartoonists have long enjoyed the privilege 
of other journalists who deal in ideas. They 
sell a cartoon the way a journalist sells a 
manuscript, and they pay income tax on 
their earnings. But now, cash-strapped 
California has hatched a plan to impose a 
7.25 percent sales tax on comic strips and 
editorial carteons—treating them not as 
ideas but as things. Tax authorities claim 
that cartoons sold to publishers are as tax- 
able as the pen, ink and paper used lo cre- 


ate them. Syndicators, newspapers and 
artists have to cough up the new sales tax. 
Critics contend that the tax is a violation of 
the First Amendment. 


DRESS CODE 


SOUTH HADLEY, MASSACHUSETTS— 
When a student who had just been elected 
drum major of the school band went to 
class wearing a T-shirt that read COED 
NAKED BAND: DO IT TO THE RHYTHM, а 
gym instructor objected. A school commit- 
tee supported the instructor and banned all 
shirts that were vulgar, profane or de- 
meaning. In protest, the student went to 
school wearing а T-shirt that proclaimed 
COED NAKED CIVIL LIBERTIES: DO IT TO 
THE AMENDMENTS. The ACLU has since 
filed suit for the family, claiming the deci- 
sion violated the student's freedom of 
expression. 


WHIPS AND GRAVY 


BELFAST, IRELAND—A judge rejected 
plans for a restaurant called School Din- 
ners, which intended to outfit its waitresses 
as schoolgirls with short skirts, black lace 
stockings and whips to punish anyone who 
didn't finish his meal. Belfast's lord mayor 
declared, “This is not fun, this is filth.” A 
local councilman said, “Our lord mayor is 


a fuddy-duddy,” and posed for pictures 
while being spanked by a waitress. The 
restaurant manager is scouting for anoth- 
er location, presumably one that is zoned 
for dining, spanking or both. 


43 


44 


Let's say you want to do something 
resoundingly unpopular, such as 
market rare animals as gourmet food. 
For openers, you'll need a PR front 
organization to promote the idea. But 
what to call it? The Exotic Dining So- 
ciety? The Committee To Kill and Fat 
All Pandas? Wrong! Here's your 
name: the Endangered Creatures 
Protective Guild. 

If this seems shamefully mislead- 
ing, not to fret. It's called “astroturf 
lobbying"—a phrase 
that was coined 
by former senator 
Lloyd Bentsen to de- 
note artificial grass- 
roots movements that 
are staged by mon- 
eyed interests using 
deceptively named 


populist groups. Feel 2 


better? It's not only 
clever, it is the cur- 
rent vogue in politi- 
cal lobbying. 

Astroturfers want 
to create an image of 
ordinary folks band- 
ing together to fight 
for ordinary folks’ 
just causes. In reality, 
however, these sorts 
of groups are made 
up largely of lobby- 
ists and industry reps 
whose only contact 
with ordinary folks is 
when one of them 
comes over to clean 
the pool. Their true agendas are pre- 
cisely the opposite of those implied by 
their cover names. 

Consider the following Rolodex 
from hell: 

The Environmental Conservation 
Organization does not, in fact, repre- 
sent Smokey Bear and every rock- 
and-roller who has read Thoreau's 
On Walden Pond. It is а property- 
rights group that basically seeks to 
conserve one’s right to log, pave or 
quarry as much of the environment 
as one can acquire title to. 

The Sea Lion Defense Fund repre- 
sents Alaska's fishing industry, work- 


By Robert S. Wieder 


ing to prevent laws that stop it from 
catching more pollack, a major food 
source for sea lions. 

The National Wetlands Coalition is 
a front for developers, mining firms 
and more oil companies than you can 
shake a dead otter at, who never met 
a wetland that couldn't be improved 
by a mall and several drilling rigs. 

The Coalition for Equal Access to 


NOW REMEMBER GUYS, 
AF SOMEONE COMES 
A хост ACT NATURAL... 


Medicines is financed by pharmaceu- 
tical companies to oppose govern- 
ment-mandated group discounts that 
would make medicines more widely 
accessible. 

The Citizens for the Environment 
are not, as you might think, liberal 
backpackers who subscribe to Outside 
magazine. No, these lobbyists for the 
oil, timber, chemical and automobile 
industries are dedicated to environ- 
mental deregulation. Don't let the 
guys in Washington tell the people in 
the field how to do their work. 

They must do lunch with the En- 
dangered Species Reform Coalition, a 


group funded by various corpora- 
tions whose goal is to eviscerate the 
Endangered Species Act. How does 
the spotted owl look today, chef? 

And then there are the People for 
the West. Sounds like a bunch of old 
cowpokes who've seen too many re- 
runs of Lonesome Dove. You can almost 
see the logo painted on a covered 
wagon. Guess again. People for the 
West is made up of corporations and 
landowners campaigning to open 

public lands to min- 
ing and commercial 
development. 

Are you tired of 
the Cuyahoga catch- 
ing fire every 
spring? Looking for 
like-minded souls? 
Don't try the Clean 
Water Industry Co 
alition, which is 
funded by some of 
the biggest pol- 
luters in the coun- 
try and devoted to 
freeing them from 
pollution-control 
prohibitions. 

The list goes on. 
PR Watch, a newslet- 
ter fond of outing 
these poseurs, pub- 
lished a partial list 
of the groups that 
oppose popular en- 

onmental, con- 

sumer and social 

initiatives from be- 

hind Naderesque facades: Con- 

sumer Alert, Global Climate Coali- 

tion, Alliance for America Wilderness 

Impact Research Foundation, Keep 
America Beautiful, ad deceptum. 

Doublespeak is certainly too chari- 
table a term for this sort of sub- 
terfuge, which probably has George 
Orwell whirling like a lathe in his 
grave. Calculated deceit is closer, and 
blatant fraud has a particularly satis- 
fying ring. 

Bottom line: Take nothing at face 
value. If it looks like a duck, quacks 
like a duck and calls itself a duck, it 
may just be a duck hunter. 


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PLAYBOY 2000 


a celebration of the postfeminist, postmodern man 


By HUGH M. HEFNER 


VERYTHING old is 

new again. Is the 

retro craze a fad or 
the start of something 
more significant? 

As we approach the end 
of the 20th century and 
the dawn of a new millen- 
nium, it helps to look at 
where we've been to better 
decide what we want for 
the future. This century 
will be remembered as the 
beginning of modern 
times. 
pression and colonialism 
of the past are disappear- 
ing. A global culture has 
emerged, shaped by mass 
production, consumption, 
transportation and com- 
munication. The automo- 
bile and airplane, the 
space shuttle, motion pic- 
tures, radio, television, 
computers and the Inter- 
net are all 20th century 
phenomena. Space explo- 
ration and cyberspace are 
the new fronti 


The Victorian re- 


The walls are coming down. With technological ad- 
ances and the change in political climate, the world has 
truly become a global village with the promise of a new 
universal mythology. 

This century has given us the best of times and the 
worst of umes. What have we learned from it? We have 
the science and the technology to improve our lives, but 
will they be better? We have the capacity to improve 
communication, but will it continue to improve between 
nations, races, religions and the sexes? 

Will men and women be happier in this new post- 
feminist, postmodern world? Will love conquer all? Or 
have we lost something—some romantic interconnec- 
tion that defines who we are and who we want to be? 

To find answers for the future, we need to look to the 
past. It is time to reaffirm the dreams and ideals that 


inspired us in the begin- 
ning—as a nation and as a 
people. The American 
dream is now a dream of 
democracy shared around 
the world—the dream of 
personal, political and eco- 
nomic freedom. It is the 
dream that this publication 


was founded on. 

In an early issue, we de- 
fined the pLaynoy man as 
one who sees life not as a 
vale of tears, but as a hap- 


py time. A man who takes 
јоу in his work, without ri 
garding it as the end-all of 
living. An alert man, an 
re man, a man of taste, 
a man sensitive to ple: 
sure, a man who—without 
acquiring the stigma of the 
voluptuary or dilettante 
can live life to the hilt. That 
attitude hi 
vived—it has prevailed. 

It should come as no 
surprise that with the end 
of the Cold War, one of the 
first American magazines 
to be published in previously communist Czechoslova- 
kia, Hungary, Poland and Russia was PLAYBOY. The 
hottest new upscale line of men's clothing and acces- 
sories on the mainland of China carries the familiar 
Rabbit Head trademark. Playboy TV has just launched 
its own networks in the U.K. and Japan. Playboy Video 
dominates the charts, beating most major movie stu- 
dios. And глувоу has the most popular entertainment 
site on the World Wide Web. 

As the century comes to a close, the рі ayvnoy man—his 
view of himself and the world. 
ever before. His mark and his image are everywhere. 
With the return of James Bond, the Beatles and the 
Playboy Bunny, the new millennium holds great 
promise for us all. 

El 


ам 


аз more than sur- 


seems more real than 


47 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: SALMAN RUSHDIE 


a candid conversation with islam's least-favorite writer about fighting the fatwa, 
the heroics of stephen king and the art of living with a price on your head 


U reads like a scene out of an Ian Fleming 
novel: First, there's a phone call. “When you 
arrive in London,” the voice at the other end 
wams, “an agent of the special branch will 
contact you. He will instruct you where and 
when the meeting will take place.” 

Then, in London, there’s a second call. 
It's the special agent from Scotland Yard. 
“Please be at this address at two РМ. tomor- 
rou,” he says, adding with typical British 
understatement, “We presume you will be 
alone.” 

At the designated address, the special 
agent, dressed in a nondescript gray sports 
coal, asks for identification and does a quick 
search for weapons. “I’m sure you under- 
stand,” he says. “We can't be too careful.” 

But this isn't fiction. This is real life— 
Salman Rushdie’s real life. For the past sev- 
en years, it’s been Scotland Yard's job to keep 
Rushdie alive, as the result of a 85 million 
bounty that was placed on his head by fanat- 
ic Muslims. 

Rushdie has been a marked man since the 
publication of his 1988 novel "The Satanic 
Verses." The novel attracted praise and 
prizes (including Britain's Whitbread award 
as the year's best novel), but two chapters, in 
which Rushdie re-creates seminal events in 
the history of the Muslim religion, incurred 
the wrath of Islamic leaders around the 
world. Those chapters involve the prophet 


“If we get a deal with the Iranians tomor- 
row, I will not feel victorious. I have lost seu- 
en years of my life. I have lost the opportuni- 
ty to share a lot of my son's childhood. I will 
never get that back. That time is forever lost.” 


Muhammad. Included with the retelling of 
sacred history are extravagant splashes of 
sex and fantasy. Pious Muslims believe the 
Koran to be the word of God as dictated by 
the archangel Gabriel through Muhammad. 
It’s believed to have been written, perfect and 
unaltered, by the prophet’s scribes. But in the 
dreams of one of Rushdie's characters, a 
scribe makes a deliberate mistake in the tran- 
scription in order to determine how divine 
Muhammad is. When the prophet reads 
the text, the mistake goes unnoticed. 
book was banned in India, Pakistan, Egypt 
and South Africa. 

In January 1989 an angry Muslim crowd 
in Bradford, England burned a copy of the 
book. A month later; six people were killed in 
anti-Rushdie riots in Islamabad, Pakistan. 
The British Embassy in Karachi was bombed 
(and a Pakistani guard killed) and more 
than 100 were injured during a demonstra- 
tion in Dacca, Bangladesh. It was on Valen- 
tine's Day 1989 that Rushdie learned Iran's 
Ayatollah Ruholla Khomeini had ordered 
him killed. The book's publisher tried to dif- 
fuse the death sentence (called a fatwa) with. 
a statement that the author had not meant to 
insult the Muslim people. But the ayatollah 
responded with his oum announcement: “It 
is incumbent on every Muslim to employ 
everything he has got, his life and his wealth, 
to send Rushdie to hell.” A price was put on 


“So much altention has been paid to me 
while other writers have been in danger. All 
over the world, writers are thrown in jail. 
They mysteriously die in police custody. It is 
open season on writers and it must step.” 


his head: $I million, which has been upped 
to more than $5 million. 

Rushdie went into hiding and the book 
was pulled from shelves—even, at first, in 
America. More violence followed. Two book- 
stores in Berkeley, California were fire- 
bombed. An Arab terrorist accidentally blew 
himself up in a Paddington hotel before he 
was able to attack Rushdie. There were a se- 
ries of expulsions from Britain of other Ira- 
nians who were suspected of plotting against 
the author, Finally, Rushdie’s Japanese 
translator was murdered, his Italian trans- 
lator was injured by a knife-wielding as- 
sailant at his Milan apartment and his Nor- 
wegian publisher, a close friend, barely 
survived a shooting. 

Scolland Yard, called in to protect him, 
moved Rushdie from one safe house to an- 
other. At first he wasn’t allowed to see any- 
one, including family and friends. His wife, 
the writer Marianne Wiggins, who had orig- 
inally gone into hiding with him, left. A year 
later they were divorced. Rushdie was devas- 
tated by his new situation. As a writer, he 
says he was used to solitude, but he missed 
Jus freedom and ordinary life: “walking 
down a street, browsing in a bookshop, going 
to a grocery store or a movie.” He couldn’t 
leave the house without making elaborate 
preparations and he couldn't travel. (British 
Airways and other carriers refused to allow 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BARRY LATEGAN 


“There was one ridiculous occasion when 
they offered me a wig. I decided to try it out 
оп a London street. I got out of a car in the 
wig and there were all these stares and com- 
ments: There is Salman Rushdie in a шіп)” 


49 


PLAYBOY 


him on their planes because, they claimed, 
their employees and passengers would be 
endangered.) 

Meanwhile, most writers and many politi- 
cians supported him, but some prominent 
voices dissented, even if they were critical of 
the death sentence. Novelist John le Carré 
criticized Rushdie for inviting more blood- 
shed by his refusal to withdraw the book. 
Roald Dahl denounced Rushdie as “a dan- 
gerous opportunist” and Germaine Greer 
reportedly called him “a megalomaniac.” 
Wiggins, Rushdie’s then estranged wife, told 
the "Sunday Times,” “All of us who love him, 
who were devoted to him, who were friends of 
his, wish that the man had been as great as 
the event. He's not.” (Wiggins later denied 
the interview ever took place.) New York’s 
John Cardinal O'Connor and Britain's then 
chief rabbi, Lord Immanuel Jakobovits, de- 
plored what they saw as an insult to Islam. 
Far more surprising, former president Jimmy 
Carter wrote in “The New York Times” that, 
although he condemned the fatwa, Western 
leaders should lei the world know that “there 
is no endorsement of the insult to the sacred 
belief of our Muslim friends.” 

Most writers, however, supported Rushdie 
and his right to free speech. Norman Mailer, 
Milan Kundera, William Styron and Czes- 
law Milesz were among those who appealed 
to world leaders to pressure Iran. Even 
clerks in American bookstores rallied to his 
defense, insisting that their employers carry 
“The Satanic Verses” despite the fact that й 
put them at risk. 

Meanwhile, in hiding, Rushdie became 
desperate. At one point, in 1990, he attempt- 
ed to make peace by announcing he had be- 
come a believing Muslim, but his conversion 
was short-lived. 

When Rushdie made a secret trip to the 
U.S. in 1992, he was shunned by President 
George Bush. He fared far better in 1993 
when President Bill Clinton hosted him at 
the White House. 

The historic meeting came about after a 
full-court press by higher-ups in the Clinton 
administration, including George Stephano- 
poulos, and pressure from Mailer, Styron 
and Arthur Miller. Other advisors felt a 
meeting would be a mistake, and members of 
the National Security Council expressed con- 
cern that Rushdie's visit could radicalize an- 
ti-American sentiment and jeopardize the 
Middle East peace process. At the final hour, 
the president was convinced to meet with 
Rushdie, who was ushered into the White 
House for a brief huddle. 

The fallout began immediately, The head 
of Iran's judiciary announced that President 
Clinton had become “the most hated person 
before all Muslims of the world.” Clinton, re- 
portedly surprised by the intensity of the re- 
Sponse, attempted to placate 
ing he “meant no disrespect” to Muslims. 

Regardless, Clinton’s support (and sup- 
port from Britain’s John Major) helped 
Rushdie push other leaders to pressure Iran 
with sanctions and negotiations. Now the 
European Union has taken up the cause. 


50 Rushdie's case has been brought up at many 


levels of meetings with Iranian officials, and 
its peaceful resolution is a condition for nor- 
malizing relationships between Western na- 
lions and Iran. There have been signs that 
the fatwa may be revoked, though the Irani- 
ans have refused to rescind it officially. 

After his first two years in hiding, Rushdie 
began to write again, saying, “If I can’t 
write, then, in a way, the attack has been 
successful.” He has published “East, West,” 
a book of short stories, and a children’s book 
called “Haroun and the Sea of Slories,” 
which received excellent reviews. In this fan- 
ciful story, imagination is the enemy of au- 
thoritarian rulers. 

Besides writing, Rushdie began to use 
his unique position to fight for free speech 
and to champion other writers who have 
been targeted because of their ideas. Show- 
ing up unannounced at events, he has spo- 
ken out about Turkish, Nigerian, Chinese 
and Algerian writers who have been im- 
prisoned or otherwise persecuted for their 
views. He has supported Taslima Nasrin, a 
Bangladeshi physician, newspaper colum- 
nist and author, whe is under death threats 
from Muslim clerics and faces criminal 
charges from the government for allegedly 


One journalist said, 
“Oh, don’t worry about this 
Khomeini character. He 
condemns people to death 
every Friday. Forget it.” 


criticizing the Koran 

Rushdie began work on an epic new novel 
set iu India. It's a country he knows well— 
he was born in Bombay in 1947, just a few 
months before India won its independence 
and the subcontinent was partitioned into 
India and Pakistan. Despite that backdrop, 
Rushdie says he had an uneventful child- 
hood until he reached 14, when he was sent 
to school in England and first encountered 
racism. 

Like his businessman father, Rushdie at- 
tended King's College, Cambridge, where he 
majored in history and was involved in the- 
«иет. He graduated in 1968 and joined his 
parents, who, as Muslims, had emigrated 
to Karachi, Pakistan. He wrote a teleplay 
adaptation of Edward Albee’s “Zoo Story” 
for the new government-operated television 
station, bul it was censored for containing 
the word pork. Fecling stifled, he returned to 
England. 

Back in England he wrote ad copy and 
dabbled in experimental theater, He complet- 
ed his first novel, “Grimus,” in 1973. It re- 
ceived good reviews, but it was his next nov- 
el that brought him international acclaim. 
“Midnight's Children” won the 1981 Book- 
er McConnell Prize, Britain's most presti- 


gious literary award. It is an epic story that 
focuses on the hopes born with Indian inde- 
pendence. That book was followed by 
“Shane,” a satire based on Pakistan, which 
Jurther established Rushdie as one of the 
reigning “world storytellers,” as “The New 
York Times” described him. 

Rushdie's first marriage ended in divorce 
in 1987. He has а son from that marriage, 
Zafar, now 15. His marriage to Wiggins was 
reportedly in trouble even before the fatwa. 

Recently, Rushdie has taken the first steps 
louard coming out of seclusion with several 
advertised appearances. "It's been seven 
years since I have been able to tell my readers 
where I would be and where they could come 
to talk to me. It's nice to be back,” he says. 
Still, Scotland Yard's presence is always ap- 
parent—there are metal detectors, guards 
and bomb specialists at all of Rushdie's pub- 
lic appearances. 

True to Rushdie's history, his latest novel, 
“The Моот Last Sigh,” has already caused 
headlines. This time, members of Shiv Sena, 
a militant right-wing Hindu group based in 
Bombay, have called for the book to be 
banned because of a character who is an ob- 
vious parody of their leader, political car- 
ioonist-turned-Hindu nationalist Balasa- 
heb Thackeray. While the book has been 
withheld in most of India, its publisher has 
managed to forestall an official ban. None of 
this has stopped the book from climbing best- 
seller lists in every country where it has been 
released (it arrived in bookstores in America 
in January) 

PLAYBOY fapped Contributing Editor Da- 
vid Sheff, who has conducted dozens of 
“Playboy Interviews,” to speak with Rush- 
die. Here is Sheff's report: 

“Despite the cloak-and-dagger routine re- 
quired to meet him, Rushdie didn't appear 
the least bit nervous or concerned. He cares 
deeply about many issues—besides his fic- 
tion, he has written essays on many topics— 
but his foremost concern, for obvious rea- 
sons, is the right of writers to express 
themselves without repression or the fear of 
reprisals. While we were speaking about 
these issues, there was a knock on the door. 
An associate told Rushdie the news that Ken 
Saro-Wiwa, a Nigerian writer and dissident 
who had been arrested and sentenced to 
death for a trumped-up murder charge, had 
been executed. It was a bitterly sad moment. 
Rushdie, who had that week written a speech 
imploring world leaders to do whatever was 
required to save Saro-Wiwa, was near tears. 
After some time passed, he spoke with palpa- 
ble anger. What must we do before no writer 
will be able to be murdered for writing?’ he 
asked. ‘What must we do so that this never 
happens again?” 


PLAYBOY: How have these years in hiding 
changed you? 

RUSHDIE: When I was younger, 1 was 
quite excitable. I waved my arms a lot 
and talked too much. I was more argu- 
mentative. ] feel calmer because of a 
sense of who I am, a sense of what is in 


my heart. It comes from facing the big 
stuff—facing the great realities of life 
and death, and who you are and why 
you did what you did. You find out what 
you think about yourself when your in- 
nermost core is under attack. The worst 
moment came in 1990 when I lost who 
Twas. 

PLAYBOY: That was the time you an- 
nounced you had converted to Islam 
Had you actually converted or were you 
trying to placate those who were threat- 
ening your life? 

RUSHDIE: Not so much to placate them, 
but to show to the people who viewed 
me as some kind of terrible enemy that 
I wasn’t one. It mostly had to do with 
despair and disorientation. I had lost 
my strength and felt completely bereft. 
Many of my friends pointed out that it 
was the stupidest thing I had ever done 
in my life. But I had hit bottom, and 
maybe it was necessary to hit bottom. 
PLAYBOY: Was hitting bottom brought on 
by the fear of being killed? 

RUSHDIE: No. It was brought on by hav- 
ing donc something I didn't believe in. I 
had given up who I was. I could no 
longer speak if I had been converted. I 
was supposed to be reverent, but didn't 
know how to be. I didn't know how to be 
devout, for God's sake. But by depriving 
myself of what was, in fact, my nature, I 
showed myself what my nature was. 
PLAYBOY: And so you therefore recanted 
your conversion. 

RUSHDIE: Yes. I made strenuous steps to 
get out of the false position and immedi- 
ately felt clearer about everything. From 
that point on, I felt that I would fight for 
what I believed, and what I believed was 
what I was. 

PLAYBOY: Had you initially been reluctant 
10 fight back against the fatwa? 

RUSHDIE: It's hard to exaggerate the ex- 
tent of the political and public pressure 
put on me not to fight back. That's one 
thing that had brought me to such a low 
point. I had listened to the purveyors of 
public opinion. Every time I tried to de- 
fend my work, I was accused of making 
trouble again. The only thing I was ever 
supposed to say in those days was that I 
was sorry. But I didn't feel soi 1 feltas 
if the crime was being committed against 
me, not by me. And so it was. I decided I 
would speak out and fight, and I decid- 
ed I would not convince everyone. It was 
a great liberation to realize you don't 
have to convince everyonc—in fact, you 
cannot. 1 decided I would not apologize 
and would write what I write. If you 
don’t like it, the hell with you. 

PLAYBOY: Before the announcement of 
the death sentence, there was the ban- 
ning of the book and other protests. Did 
you feel in danger? 

RUSHDIE: No, but things began to change 
when the book was burned. Something 
exploded in my head. I've never been so. 
angry in my life. The image of that burn- 
ing book enraged me in my deepest 


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places. They nailed it to a post, then set 
fire to it. They crucified and then 
burned it. Standing next to the burning 
book in a famous photograph was this 
little man looking so proud of himself, so 
smug, so righteous. I had rarely seen so- 
ugly a photograph. Until that point I felt 
that my best defense was the normal ar- 
guments—to explain the book, to get 
people to read it. For a long time I took 
that position: The book—i.e., the work 
of art—speaks for itself. But when the 
work of art was nailed to a post and set 
on fire, it occurred to me that maybe I 
should speak for the work of art. That is 
when I began to argue and to confront 
various Muslims involved in the attack 
on the book. But although I was angry as 
hell, I had no sense of danger. 

PLAYBOY: When did you first hear about 
the fatwa? 

RUSHDIE: I got a call on my way out the 
door one morning. I had arranged pre- 
viously to do an interview on CBS televi- 
sion. Journalists asked me about it and 
I was bewildered. One journalist said, 
“Oh, don't worry about this Khomeini 
character. He condemns people to death 
all the time. He condemns the president 
to death every Friday. Forget it.” And I 
thought, Oh well. Maybe that’s right. 
Maybe this is just hot air and it will blow 
away by tomorrow. But it didn't blow 
away. It became clear that it wasn't some 
rhetorical flourish. 

PLAYBOY: You quickly issued an apology. 
RUSHDIE; Yes, but I didn’t write it. At that 
point, people involved with the British 
government—I won't say who—in- 
formed me that they were talking with 
the Iranian government. I was given to 
understand the situation would be re- 
solved if I would sign a statement they 
wrote. It was constructed to get a quick 
fix. At that point everybody desired the 
quickest fix possible. Remember, I had 
never been in any position like this be- 
fore. When the government says to you, 
“OK, here is the deal: You make this 
statement and the death sentence will be 
canceled tomorrow and everything will 
go back to normal,” you do it. Especially 
if the alternative is that you cannot go 
home or see your child. You have no 
idea what the hell is going on. You think 
you might be dead in a day or two. So 
this statement was put out in my name. 
PLAYBOY: But Khomeini refused to re- 
yerse the order and a price was put on 
your hea 
RUSHDIE: Yes. It's an odd thing to have a 
price on your head. At the same time, 
though, the reward has never been a 
real problem. The real threat has never 
come from people who are trying to 
claim the money. 

PLAYBOY: Docs the real threat come from 
Muslim fanatics? 

RUSHDIE; Not them, either. The only real 
threat has come from the Iranian gov- 
ernment itself, and it is the Iranian gov- 
ernment that remains the danger. It 


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would be foolish not to recognize that 
there is a small risk from a fanatic. But 
there has been no evidence, over this 
whole period, of any real threat from 
anyone other than the government. 
PLAYBOY: Yet Khomeini said that “it 
cumbent on every Muslim" to kill you. 
RUSHDIE: Nobody vas interested. Irani- 
ans have ıried to get other Muslim coun- 
tries involved, but nobody else wants to. 
Even the hard-line Islamic states such as 
Sudan are not interested. The Islamic 
leader there, Turabi, made explicit state- 
ments to the general public that the fat- 
wa is against Islam. I mean, it's not that 
they like me, but they don't believe I 
should be killed. 

PLAYBOY. Who in the Iranian govern- 
ment is behind the attacks? 

RUSHDIE: People under the direction of 
the Iranian intelligence ministry. 
PLAYBOY: Why was the fatwa continued 
afier the ayatollah died? 

RUSHDIE: It was political. Partly, Iran 
wanted an easier target after its defeat by 
Saddam Hussein—though I didn't turn 
out to be an easy enough target, appar- 
ently. Most of all, the Iranian leaders 
thought they would strengthen their po- 
sition as leaders of the Muslim world if 
they killed this enemy of their people. 
Yet now many Muslim intellectuals and 
academics have changed their opinions 
of the book; they no longer view it as 
blasphemous. The fact is, the reason I 
did so much arguing in the beginning is. 
because the book, considered properly, 
would not even have been banned. The 
book was banned and the fatwa was or- 
dered because of rumors. 

PLAYBOY: What did you mean when you 
said, early after the fatwa, that you 
wished you had written a book more 
critical of Islam? 

RUSHDIE: It struck me that a religious 
leader who arbitrarily condemns people 
to death and is willing to resort to inter- 
national terrorism to carry out the sen- 
tences probably merits a litile criticism. 
PLAYBOY: When the death sentence was 
announced, did you go into complete 
isolation? 

RUSHDIE: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: We read that you became a tele- 
vision addict—watching endless Dynasty 
reruns. 

RUSHDIE: You say things to journalists as a 
joke and they become part of the myth. 
It's true that it was very difficult to see 
anybody for the first couple years. Later 
I was told by people who came into Scot- 
land Yard that the degree to which my 
freedom was circumscribed at the begin- 
ning was completely unnecessary. 
PLAYBOY: Why was it unnecessary? 
RUSHDIE: They don't believe that I need- 
ed to be so sequestered in order to be 
kept safe. There is a difference between 
protecting people and concealing them. 
For a long time I was offered conceal- 
ment rather then protection. This has 


n= 


54 slowly changed, partly because of my ar- 


gument that if I am scen to have been 
locked away for the rest of my life, the 
aggressors have won—the fatwa has 
worked. They didn't have to kill me if 
they succeeded in silencing me. It was a 
guarantce that the technique would be 
used again. Make a threat and get the 
other side to shut up their own people. 
That would be dreadful. 

PLAYBOY: When you did go out, were you 
paranoid, looking over your shoulder? 
RUSHDIE: The opposite, really. I have 
spenta great deal of time reassuring oth- 
er people. I can't tell you how many 
newspaper articles there are about me in 
which the journalist gets very upset 
when a nearby car backfires. The back- 
firing car is a kind of motif for these 
people. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you ever jump when you 
heard one? 

RUSHDIE: No. In the stories about these 
backfiring cars, it’s always mentioned 
that I did not twitch. One of the writers 
called this denial. It was not. It was 
knowing the sound of a backfiring car. 
So I spent a lot of my time telling other 
people that there was nothing to wor- 
ry about. 

PLAYBOY: Yet there was something to wor- 
ry about. 

RUSHDIE: When you know what there is 
to worry about, you also know what 
there isn't to worry about. If you're talk- 
ing about a professional hit, you know 
you are safe in certain situations. I came 
to understand what was risky and what 
wasn't. It was not risky to be eating in a 
café, because terrorists know that the 
risk of being identified and captured is 
great. We are safe in this room, because 
even if there were a guy with a subma- 
chine gun standing in the street outside, 
he would not enter this building to at- 
tack me, because he doesn't know what 
he would meet. There is zero risk here. 
PLAYBOY: Did you have nightmares? 
RUSHDIE: No. I did think in the begin- 
ning that I probably would die quite 
soon. You live with that. Yet the question 
of fear was not an issue. There was ini- 
tially shock, which was followed by bewil- 
derment and by a kind of loss of balance. 
Then this was replaced by a kind of sin- 
gle-mindedness, resolve and determina- 
tion. Fear has not been relevant. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever consider changing 
your identity? 

RUSHDIE: It was never offered and I 
would not have been interested. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever use a disguise? 
RUSHDIE: There was one ridiculous oc- 
casion when they offered me a wig. I 
looked ridiculous, but I decided to try it. 
out on a London street. I got out of a car 
in the wig and there were all these stares 
and comments: "There is Salman Rush- 
die in a wi t was so ludicrous that I 
determined | would never succumb to 
that kind of thing again. 1 wore a hat and 
occasionally dark glasses and I began to 
venture out a bit more. 


PLAYBOY: British Airways and some other 
airlincs would not allow you to fly on 
their planes. Is that still true? 

RUSHDIE: It's getting better. The fact is, 
Гус flown all over the world on all sorts 
of airlines and nobody has ever had the 
faintest bit of trouble as a result. 
PLAYBOY: Do you understand their fears 
that there would perhaps be some ner- 
vous passengers? 

RUSHDIE: Well, nothing has happened on 
the 17 different airlines I've flown, so I 
don't understand it, no. When people 
recognize me on airplanes they are in- 
credibly friendly. They have their pic- 
ture taken with me and ask me to sign 
their menus. The factis, airlines are sup- 
posed to have good security precautions 
and either they do or they don't. When I 
get on a plane, just like when any other 
person gets on a plane, it is made certain 
that proper precautions are taken. So ac- 
tually it’s safer on planes. 

PLAYBOY: What was your reaction when 
your translators and publishers were 
attacked? 

RUSHDIE: I was devastated. It was ap- 
palling and tragic. It happened long af- 
ter the initial declaration of the fatwa, 
too, so there had been a sense that sure- 
ly it was safe now. These attacks showed 
that to be untrue. It was terrible and so 
senseless. In each case, the book was al- 
ready published. It wasn't that they were 
going to shoot the translator and stop 
him from translating the book: it was 
finished. So what was it for? 

PLAYBOY: Did you feel responsible? 
RUSHDIE: 1 did—I knew I was the one 
who was meant to be murdered. It was 
such a tragedy, such a waste. At the same 
time, when they attacked William Ny- 
gaard, my publisher in Norway of 15 
years who had become a good friend, I 
was able to call him in the hospital. The 
first thing he said was that he didn't want 
me to feel responsible. He wanted me 
to know he was extremely proud to be 
the publisher of The Satanic Verses and 
he would publish it again if given the 
choice. But you cannot help but feel re- 
sponsible. He hates to be called heroic, 
because he says he was just doing his job. 
So were the other publishers and many 
other individuals. Immediately after this 
began, some of the bookstore chains in. 
America pulled the book off their 
shelves, claiming they were protecting 
their staffs. But their staffs refused to be 
protected in that way. That act of hero- 
ism got the book back on the shelves, So 
did the actions of the writer Stephen 
King, which people don't know about. A 
lot of literary writers received credit for 
the way they stood up for me—the Susan 
Sontags and Don DeLillos and Julian 
Barneses. But King has not. According 
to people inside the book chains, he was 
incensed and did a great deal of arguing 
on behalf of The Satanic Verses. He went 
so far as to threaten the chains that he 
would pull his books off their shelves if 


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my book was not on them. He also ap- 
parently talked to other best-selling writ- 
ers to get their support. 

PLAYEOY: Was King a friend? 

RUSHDIE: [ have never met him. But I 
certainly owe him one. 

PLAYBOY: Amid your many supporters, 
there were also some surprising critics. 
How do you respond to them? 

RUSHDIE: Whom are you referring to? 
PLAYBOY: John le Carré, Roald Dahl, Ger- 
maine Greer. 

RUSHDIE: That's quite a roll call, isn't it? IF 
those people were all together in a room, 
I'd prefer to be in a different one, OK? 
But there were so many supporters. It's 
worth emphasizing that had it not been 
for their extraordinary campaign and 
support, I would very possibly not have 
found the strength to face this thing. 
People rose to the occasion in extraordi- 
nary ways. Some were my friends, but 
many were not. I didn’t know Arthur 
Miller when he spoke up. I didn't know 
Don DeLillo. I didn't know Norman 
Mailer. Some of the ones who were old 
friends of mine, including Julian Barnes, 
did more for me personally than I can 
ever say. So had it not been for this army 
of people getting it right, I might be 
more upset about the small handful who 
got it wrong. It may be wrong to speak ill 
ofthe dead, but Roald Dahl, for one, was 
a bastard. He was a dreadful, horrible 
old man, a racist somewhere to the right. 
of Hitler. The only thing worse than be- 
ing attacked by Dahl would be to be his 
friend. 

PLAYBOY: What about le Carré? 

RUSHDIE: Somehow I wasn't upset about 
le Carré, and I think it's because he's not 
a writer I cared enough about. I have a 
terrible feeling he may have reacted the 
way he did because of a review I once 
wrote of one of his books—a bad review. 
PLAYBOY: And Germaine Greer? 
RUSHDIE: Well, Greer has made a lifetime 
habit of stabbing her friends in the back, 
so why would she stop now? She has 
since claimed to have been misquoted 
and misunderstood, but Germaine has 
spent her life claiming she was misquot- 
ed and misunderstood. 

PLAYBOY: How do you respond to the at- 
tacks from the right-wing English press? 
RUSHDIE: | must say I have been more 
surprised by the venom in the attacks 
against me from non-Islamic sources 
than from Islamic ones. Fanatics behave 
like fanatics; they are acting in character. 
But I never expected that other people, 
even those whose politics were unlike 
mine, would take this opportunity to 
kick so hard when I was down. It has 
been a harsh lesson. I used to get upset, 
but [learned to take them with a grain of 
salt. The fact is, despite this extraordi- 
nary vendetta, my detractors have failed 
to convince the British public that | am a 
bad fellow. Whenever I go anywhere, I 
am invariably recognized, and people 


58 are fantastically supportive. 


PLAYBOY: One writer said that it's too bad 
you weren't a nice guy like John Updike. 
It would have been much easier to de- 
fend you. 

RUSHDIE: But I am a nice guy like John 
Updike. It was just easier for some peo- 
ple to pretend that I was not. So there 
was an exuaordinary attempt to destroy 
my character, and like all the other at- 
tempts, it didn’t work. 

PLAYBOY: Among the political leaders 
who criticized you was Jimmy Carter. 
Did that surprise you? 

RUSHDIE: I was shocked about Carter. 
However, he’s since sort of made an at- 
tempt to back off that stand. I know peo- 
ple who asked him about it. He told 
them that he’s a little sheepish about 
what was said. I never saw the text, and 
there is a problem of reporting that gets 
skewered. In this case, Г am disposed to 
let it slide. 

PLAYBOY: Is it true that President Bush 
and his administration refused to meet 
with you or take a firm stand in your 
support? 

RUSHDIE: Yes. I don’t know why. Some- 
body suggested that it might have been 
because at that stage the [ranians knew 
where all the bodies were buried in the 
Iran-contra business. Maybe people 
didn’t want to upset that too much 
PLAYBOY: Did you expect a change when 
Clinton became president? 

RUSHDIE: There was a great change. 
However. it was disappointing that the 
Republicans viewed this through parti- 
san eyes. Republicans as well as Demo- 
crats should be able to agree that we 
don't kill people because we don't like 
what they write. 

PLAYBOY: How difficult was it to meet 
Clinton? 

RUSHDIE: It took a lot of lobbying on the 
part of my supporters in America. John 
Major also helped pave the way. He be- 
lieved it would be helpful if I could meet 
Clinton. 

PLAYBOY: Were you disappointed when 
Clinton seemed to waffle in his support 
after the meeting, almost apologizing 
for it? 

RUSHDIE: There was a kind of wobble, 
yes, but I have to say that the adminis- 
tration has remained very helpful. The 
meeting with Clinton was of enormous 
political consequence in Europe. It im- 
mediately unlocked all the gates to pow- 
er here. Because of Clinton, seeing me 
stopped being uncool. Suddenly they 
were all queuing up to meet me—all the 
prime ministers and presidents. There 
has been a dramatic change in the posi- 
tion of the Iranians. 

PLAYBOY: How has it changed? 

RUSHDIE: In continuing conversations be- 
tween the European Union and Iran, 
Iran keeps putting up straws in the 
wind. They have said the fatwa will not 
be carried out, though they refuse to put 
it in writing. But the tide has changed. 
‘They have woken up to the fact that 


they're broke, they have no friends in 
the world and they need help. This issue 
gets in their way wherever they go. 
Wherever they go for mectings, they 
spend two thirds of the time being asked 
about me. And it’s a pain in the neck. So 
they want to end this crisis, but have so 
far refused to sign a formal agreement. 
PLAYBOY: Perhaps they're just trying to 
get out of this quiedy, while saving face. 
RUSHDIE: But the European Union has 
said that a minimum requirement to end 
such a large crisis is a formal agreement. 
I agree, because assurances from Iran 
mean nothing. We need a document that 
they can be held accountable to, not 
something they can deny tomorrow. I 
havea feeling that we may be only two or 
three steps away from that. Meanwhile, 
the situation has changed. I've been 
much more open recently. I've deliber- 
ately tried to prove that the situation has 
changed by doing ordinary things such 
as book signings that are announced in 
advance. 

PLAYBOY: There still has been heavy secu- 
rity at such events. 

RUSHDIE: Not by the standards of what it 
was a year ago. Scotland Yard is still 
careful, because it has to be until it’s ac- 
tually settled. It is not only my safety 
that’s an issue. If it were, I would dis- 
pense with the security precautions at 
this point. I am tired of being hemmed 
in. But Scotland Yard continues to re- 
spond to what it considers to be the 
worst possible case, even if the threat has 
lessened. And now that there have been 
a few successful events, its attitude has 
relaxed even more. 

PLAYBOY: So you feel your campaign has 
been successful? 

RUSHDIE: Successful, though if we get a 
deal with the Iranians tomorrow, I will 
not feel victorious. 1 have lost seven 
years of my life. I have lost the opportu- 
nity to share a lot of my son's childhood. 
I will never get that back. When most fa- 
thers were out in the park throwing a 
ball around with their children, I was 
not. That time is forever lost. So I won't 
feel victorious. 1 feel pleased to have 
been able to stand up for things I believe 
in. And I'm pleased this horrendous at- 
tack, which attempted to dictate what 
people can write and read, didn't work. 
PLAYBOY: When you were in hiding, how 
long did it take to begin writing again? 
RUSHDIE: I soon wrote a few book reviews 
as a way of showing that I’m still here, 
folks. Then I wrote Haroun and the Sea of 
Stories and then the book of short stories. 
PLAYBOY: Was it difficult to begin writ- 
ing again? 

RUSHDIE: It was difficult to concentrate. 
There was also a great sadness in me be- 
cause of what had happened to my book. 
I spent five years writing in the most se- 
rious way, and then had the book re- 
duced to a series of slogans, insulted and 
vilified and reduced and burned. I felt, 
for a while, if this is what you get, it's not 


worth it. Thank you very much, I'd 
rather be a plumber. Of course that was 
simply an expression of misery, nothing 
else. Eventually I realized that I have to 
write; it doesn't matter what people 
think or say. 

PLAYBOY: Did you actually write Haroun 
for your son, Zafar? 

RUSHDIE: It's true that I wrote it for him. 
But, in the end, if you're a writer, you 
have to find out what your own connec- 
tion to material is, why you're interested 
in writing it. So it became for us both—to 
write again, for me, and to speak to him. 
There was virtually nothing I could do 
with him then, but at least I could tell 
him stories. 

PLAYBOY: Was he brought to you in 
hiding? 

RUSHDIE: He never was. 
We had to protect him 
from the knowledge of 
where I was. 

PLAYBOY: At what point 
did you begin The 
Moor’s Last Sigh? 
RUSHDIE: Some aspects 
of it have been with 
me for a long time— 
the setting of Granada, 
for instance. Also, the 
character of Aurora, 
the mother, had gradu- 
ally grown in my head. 
The idea of inventing a 
painter was interesting 
to me, partly because it 
has been done so rarely 
in literature. I came 
around to Aurora after 
becoming friendly with 
a whole bunch of 
contemporary Indian 
painters. In them, I 
found affinities to my 
own ideas and work. It 
became easy for me to 
imagine myself in the 
skin of such a painter. 
PLAYBOY: Do you agree 
that the central theme 
in the novel is love— 
getting it and, most of all, losing it? 
RUSHDIE: Yes, love. ‘The love of nation, 
love of parents, love of child, erotic love, 
romantic love. In fact, this is the first 
time I have ever actually written sex 
scenes. I've always been shy about them 
in the past. 

PLAYBOY: Why have you been reluctant to 
write sex scenes? 

RUSHDIE: I think it may have to do with 
some kind of cultural embarrassment. 
Sex was something done in private. I 
found that when I would get to a point 
in a novel where the next natural mo- 
ment would be sex, I would tend to have 
a fade-out. It was rather like that won- 
derful scene in Woody Allen’s movie The 
Purple Rose of Cairo where the romantic 
lead comes off the cinema screen and 
falls in love with Mia Farrow. They kiss 


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and she wants to proceed, but he be- 
comes increasingly confused. She asks, 
"What's the matter?" and he says, 
“There should be a fade-out now." He 
doesn't know what to do next; he's never 
had to do it. In the world of the films 
that he inhabits, there are no sex scenes, 
only fade-outs. 1 recognized that prob- 
lem and I decided I would actually set 
out to overcome that inhibition, so there 
are lots of sex scenes. 

PLAYBOY: Yet the sex in the book is still 
fairly oblique. 

RUSHDIE: | wanted to find an interesting 
way to do it. I find most sex scenes very 
boring, whether in books or movies, be- 
cause you know exactly what's going to 
happen. At least in cinema you can look 
at beautiful bodies. So here the chal- 


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lenge was to find an interesting way to 
write about sex. I deliberately wrote the 
first sex scene comically, about some- 
body who can't write a sex scene. He's 
inhibited when he is trying to describe 
his parents making love, as one might 
be. He gradually does work his way 
around to describing it, and so does his 
author, I guess. At recent appearances, I 
have read aloud the sequences in which 
Abraham and Aurora fall in love. I read 
the scene in which they have sex on 
the pepper sacks and arrive at church 
smelling of sex, scandalizing old ladies 
and perplexing and annoying the priest. 
I must say that it was a great pleasure to 
discover that people found it sexy and 
extremely erotic. Particularly women. To 
be able to speak to women about lust and 
sex in a way they find truthful at this mo- 


mentin history—when the whole area of 
communication between the sexes is so 
fucked up—is a particular pleasure. 
PLAYBOY: Do you find that love is the cen- 
tral issue in most people's lives? 

RUSHDIE: Love and death. That's not an 
original thing to say, but yes. I'm enough 
of an old hippie really to believe that all 
you need is love. The central story of Au- 
тога and Abraham in the book is a story 
of what happens when love dies. When it 
goes away it leaves this dreadful vortex. 
PLAYBOY: Does it have to go away? 
RUSHDIE: Passionate love, the sledgeham- 
mer love, isn't the one that usually lasts. 
Then, when it goes, one can be disori- 
ented. That kind of love takes a lot 
of recovering from and it’s easy to tum- 
ble out of control. 

PLAYBOY: Did you find 
your marriage to bean 
‚object lesson? 

RUSHDIE: Not necessari- 
ly my marriage—either 
marriage—but I have 
been through it. The 
most all-consuming 
love affair I ever had 
was not with a woman 
Гуе married. But like 
everyone else, I have 
had my experiences in 
love gone wrong. It 
would be very difficult 
to write about if I 
hadn't been through it. 
PLAYBOY: Of all of those 
who have attacked you, 
it was your wife, who 
had initially gone into 
hiding with you, who 
became your most bit- 
ter critic. Why? 
RUSHDIE: | think she 
had to invent me as a 
person worth leaving. 
Otherwise there would 
be a tendency to be- 
lieve that she should 
have stood by her man 
in that old-fashioned 
way. She tried to create 
an image of me as being worthless, 
which then made it possible for her to 
leave with dignity. 

PLAYBOY: Otherwise it would have 
seemed she was abandoning ship. 
RUSHDIE: Yeah. There are a number of 
fictions about this period that 1 haven't 
talked about before now, but I think I 
‚just will say it. First of all, to be strictly ac- 
curate, she did not leave me. I asked her 
to leave. The reason I asked her to leave 
was that her behavior had become upset- 
ting in ways I don't vant to comment on. 
1 preferred to be by myself, which is a 
mark of how upsetting it was. The idea 
that Marianne could not live with me be- 
cause I was unable to live up to history is 
not true. I asked her to go away because 
I couldn't stand having her around. 
"There was an enormous amount of 


59 


PLAYBOY 


dishonesty. There were actions that, in 
my view, were positively dangerous. So 1 
ended the marriage. Since then she has 
attempted to construct the view that she 
decided to leave me, because no doubt it 
seems nobler. But the fact is that 1 dis- 
covered many things about her that 
were extraordinarily shocking and dis- 
tasteful. I'm very glad to have seen the 
last of her. 1 feel foolish is all I can say. It 
is the problem of falling in love with the 
wrong person. Your friends tell you, but 
you don't see it until it is too late. 
PLAYBOY: Did that experience disenchant 
you with love? 

RUSHDIE: It certainly shook me. I don’t 
deny it. There was so much dishonesty 
involved and I'm not a dishonest man. 
PLAYBOY: You were in particularly bizarre 
circumstances to be single. 

RUSHDIE: Yes. | remember going on 60 
Minutes shortly alter my marriage broke 
up. Mike Wallace rather courageously 
asked me what I did for sex. 

PLAYBOY: Well? 

RUSHDIE: As I told him, I was rather glad 
to have a break, actually. He seemed 
shocked by that answer. But life goes on, 
and I am not afraid to tell you that my 
sex life since then has been fine. 
PLAYBOY: How do you manage to date 
and have relationships? 

RUSHDIE: Let's put it like this: People 
should not feel sorry for me 

PLAYBOY: There was a report that your 
friends were supplying you with women. 
RUSHDIE: I sued when that was printed. 
The paper that printed it had to pay and 
I gave the money to a free-speech orga- 
nization. It’s ludicrous, this idea that my 
iends were running some kind of 
pimping service 

PLAYBOY: In your book, the character Au- 
rora needs to express on canvas every- 
thing in her life. Is that how you use 
writing? 

RUSHDIE: It’s inevitably the case that 
when a writer creates another creative 
artist, something ofthe writer seeps into 
that creation. Why do it, otherwise? But 
1 also hope she’s more than just a writer 
in disguise—what Tom Wolfe called a 
painted word. I hope she’s not just a se- 
ries of painted words, because I was gen- 
uinely interested in the kind of painter 
she was. By the time I came to write the 
book, I actually knew her pictures very 
well—I had a clear sense of what they 
looked like. І just can't paint them. 
PLAYBOY: How religious was your family? 
RUSHDIE: Not very. I was brought up 
more or less without God. Although we 
were Muslim, religion was worn very 
lightly. I think my father would take me 
to the mosque twice a year, the equiva- 
lent of going to church at Christmas. We 
did not eat the flesh of swine, but that 
was about it. 

PLAYBOY: The religious people in your 
books are not very admirable. Converse- 
ly, secularists are generally the more 


60 moral. Is that your view? 


RUSHDIE: It is. I object particularly to fun- 
damentalism, whether it's Hindu, Mus- 
lim or Christian. lt's completely barren 
on any intellectual level. Fundamental- 
ism purports to defend culture, but it 
doesn't know about the culture that it's 
defending. Ifreligion is supposed to be a 
repository of a certain kind of truth, fun- 
damentalism seems to me to be a denial 
of the truth. It is about the creation of 
falsehoods and goes after the worst sides 
of people. I'm alarmed by what's hap- 
pening wherever fundamentalists rise— 
such as the rise of the American religious 
right. It is at least as dangerous as any- 
thing happening in the Third World— 
with more weapons, probably. I don’t 
think Americans can afford any longer to 
see this as something happening to oth- 
er people. It's important to understand 
that fundamentalism does not even pre- 
tend to be a religious movement. It is a 
political movement. It's about power. So 
watch out. 

PLAYBOY: Do you view all religion as dan- 
gerous, even the less extremist forms? 
RUSHDIE: No. I’m perfectly able to see the 
ability of religious systems to provide 
identity, a sense of community and be- 
longing, a sense of hope and comfort 
and even a kind of moral structure in 
people's lives. But these past years I've 
been given an object lesson in the ability 
of religion to do some other things, 
which are not so likable. Гуе experi- 
enced the capacity of religion to do 
harm. So while Г am completely fascinat- 
ed, even mesmerized by the history of 
religion and religious myths, I can't 
stand the system of rules. This inevitably 
filters into my books, though I have nev- 
er seen myself as a religious novelist. 
"There are others for whom religion is 
the central issue. I am instead a writer of 
memories, a playful writer, a writer who 
tries to look at history, a writer with some 
kind of central linguistic ambition. And I 
see myself as one who wrestles with his 
times and tries to make sense of them. 
Even The Satanic Verses isn't a novel about 
religion, but about migration. 

PLAYBOY: What do you remember most 
about being sent to England at the age of 
14? You've said it was the first time you 
were aware of being Indian. 

RUSHDIE: Yes. Before that, speaking Eng- 
lish and knowing the culture quite well, 
I never expected to feel foreign in 
England. When I arrived, however, I 
couldn't quite work out why I was meant 
to feel foreign. There was racism from 
some of the boys, though not from the 
staff at the school. I had three things 
against me, as far as the students were 
concerned: 1 was foreign, intelligent and 
bad at games. It was a triple whammy. 
PLAYBOY: Did you know you wanted to be 
awriter by then? 

RUSHDIE: I knew I wanted to write when 
I was very young. 

PLAYBOY: After college, while writing 
your first novels, you worked as an ad 


copywriter. What were some of your 
advertisements? 

RUSHDIE: The slogan that people hang 
most around my neck is one used for 
cream cakes: naughty but nice. There 
was also a campaign for a chocolate bar 
called Aero, which is full of bubbles, for 
which 1 invented a whole series of bub- 
ble words: Adorabubble, delectabubble, 
incredibubble, etc. 

PLAYBOY: From the outset, did you plan 
to write political novels? 

RUSHDIE: Only indirectly. The thing that 
made me a writer was the fact that I 
came from over there—that is, India— 
and I ended up over here, in England, 
and I had to make sense of that. 1 had a 
bundle of stories I brought with me, my 
literary baggage, and I wanted to tell 
those stories, and have those stories lead 
to other stories. Part of the stories is the 
way history and people's lives rub up to- 
gether. We find ourselves in a position in 
which public life often determines our 
fates in ways that have nothing to do 
with what sort of people we are. Eco- 
nomics is destiny, politics is destiny, ter- 
rorism is destiny. 

PLAYBOY: What's it like to write about In- 
dia from exile? 

RUSHDIE: There's no doubt that one of 
the great losses in my life was having to 
stay away. It’s the only passage of seven 
years іп my life in which I have not been 
in India. It feels like losing a limb. So 
writing the new book was a journey 
home, the only way of going. Writing 
from exile is emotionally charged, how- 
ever. I was conscious of the trap, which is 
sentimentalization on the one hand, or 
exaggeration on the other. I was des- 
perately anxious not to commit those 
crimes. The consequence of being re- 
moved from India allowed or released in 
me the flood of feelings that shapes this 
novel. There is also a sense of personal 
loss. And sadness, which I think is a con- 
stant of what happened. 

PLAYBOY: Is it just too dangerous for you 
to travel to India? 

RUSHDIE: India is not Iran. It’s not a fun- 
damentalist country. I’m quite popular 
in India. If I just turned up in Bombay, 
more people would be pleased than not 
pleased. The reason I haven't been back 
has to do with my worries about being 
politically exploited. There are a small 
number of Muslim politicians who might 
see it as a way to get some more mileage 
out of the situation. Frankly, speaking as 
a political football. I've been kicked 
around enough. I just couldn't bear go- 
ing there and suddenly encountering a 
new round of demonstrations, etc. Any 
Indian politician can create a demon- 
stration on the street in five minutes. 
PLAYBOY: Are you convinced they would? 
RUSHDIE: They would. Perhaps when the 
dust settles after the election year, we'll 
see. I feel quite optimistic about going 
back to India. 

PLAYBOY: But not to Iran, we imagine. 


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62 


RUSHDIE: Гус been to Iran. I don't need 
to go again. 

PLAYBOY: Did you find it difficult to write 
about modern India while being away? 
RUSHDIE: I carry India around with me. I 
can't escape India. I know how people 
think and talk and feel. If 1 read in the 
newspaper about a political event, I 
know how people will react. I know how 
all different classes of the country, all dif- 
ferent communities, will react. In that 
sense I don't feel disconnected, because 
I can immediately play the scenario in 
my head. At least so far I've felt that. 
PLAYBOY: Are you optimistic about the 
current state of India? 

RUSHDIE: There were three pillars of in- 
dependent India. The first was democ- 
racy—the commitment to a democratic 
political system despite the incredible 
difficulties of having a democracy in a 
country of that size. The second was the 
protectionist economy—the government 
nationalizing everything in sight and 
putting up tariff barriers against the im- 
ported rival goods, and so on. The third 
pillar was secularism, which grew out of 
the great violence of the partition peri- 
od. It was quite clear to the founding 
generation of politicians that, in order to 
prevent a repetition of the violence, it 
was important to separate church and 
state so that no religion, no matter how 
numerically superior it might be, could 
have a constitutional advantage over 
others. Broadly speaking, that is the In 
dia that people of my generation, the 
generation of independence, were sold. 
We grew up buying that India and liking 
it and feeling its air free to breathe. But 
now I feel that all those pillars are totter- 
ing. The secularist principle is being 
strongly opposed by increasingly pow- 
erful political parties that talk about 
rewriting the constitution. The second 
pillar is gone—the socialist. protectionist 
economic pillar has been replaced by a 
free-market economy, which is trans- 
porting India at a most extraordinary 
speed. Now the pillar of democracy itself 
has been shaken. There has been an ar- 
rival of political leaders who overtly act 
democratic but who set themselves up as 
more or less absolute fascistic leaders in 
their states. People are disillusioned with 
public life. This has become so extreme 
that there seems to be an appeal of more 
authoritarian forms of leadership, which 
seem to promise more discipline, less 
crookery and so on. So this is the histor- 
ical climate that has replaced the India I 
grew up t's say I'm worried. 
PLAYBOY: Is your latest book banned 
in India? 

RUSHDIE: What has happened is some- 
thing more Indian than a straightfor- 
ward ban, A couple of members of the 
right in Bombay got annoyed on behalf 
of Bal Thackeray, the leader of the Shiv 
Sena Party. He himself hasn't uttered a 
word other than to allege that he has not 
read it. As a result of it all, however, 


some parts of customs apparently have 
imposed a block on importing further 
copies. They say they’re doing this be- 
cause a ban is being considered, though 
they don't say by whom. When they're 
asked why it's under consideration, they 
don't answer the letters. At the moment 
this is an informal stoppage, which is not. 
being called a ban. This is the Indian 
technique, to wrap things up in red tape. 
But we are cutting through this. The In- 
dian publishers, along with the book- 
sellers’ association, have taken the gov- 
ernment to cou he government must 
show cause why it is doing this. If it can- 
not, and the general view is that it can- 
not, it will have to lift the blockade. India 
is still enough of a free society that it has 
an independent judiciary that is impa- 
tient with government bans on novels. 
Especially when the only reason for the 
blockade is that an opposition politician 
doesn't like it. 

PLAYBOY: You were, of course, satiri 
Thackeray, right? 

RUSHDIE: If you are going to write about 
a Bombay-based Hindu extremist party, 
then inevitably the Shiv Sena comes to 
mind, and Thackeray is the leader of 
that party, so obviously the character in 
the book has something to do with 
Thackeray. But it's not all Thackeray. 
Another model for the character was 
Russia's Vladimir Zhirinovsky. If I had 
wanted to write about Thackeray specif- 
ically, I would have included him in thc 
book. In Midnight’s Children, when I 
wanted to criticize some deeds of Indira 
Gandhi's, I introduced a character called 
Indira Gandhi in the book. 

PLAYBOY: And, indeed, Gandhi sued you 
for it. 

RUSHDIE: Yes. There was one sentence in 
the book where I repeated something 
that was often repeated about her: that 
she was responsible for her father's 
death. She sued about that sentence. But 
then she died and the suit became moot. 
PLAYBOY: In Moor's, you have Aurora, 
though she loathes Indira Gandhi, very 
upset when she died 

RUSHDIE: I was upset. Since the emer- 
gency I was a strong opponent of Mrs. 
Gandhi, but on the day she was shot, I 
wasbereft. It was such a hideous thing to 
have happened. In a piece I wrote about 
it, I said that everybody who loved India 
would be in mourning that day. And 
Mrs. Gandhi was a remarkable individ- 
ual with great personal charm, great po- 
litical and personal courage. It so hap- 
pened that she went down a political 
road that I objected to. Like Margaret 
Thatcher—I've been a lifelong political 
opponent of hers in a passionate way, 
but that doesn't mean that I can't respect 
her. And, clearly, no matter how you feel 
about someone's politics, you must be 
horrified in the face of an assassination 
PLAYBOY: How were you affected when 
you heard about the assassination of 
Yitzhak Rabin? 


RUSHDIE: It reminded me of what my 
parents had told me about learning the 
news of the assassination of Mahatma 
Gandhi. At the time there was a very 
heightened tension between Hindu and 
Muslim communities in India. They said 
that the instant fear was learning the 
name of the assassin. By learning the 
name, you would know which communi- 
ty the person came from. They would 
know if it were a Muslim name. If it 
were, the consequences would be ab- 
solutely horrible. So they went home 
and locked the doors and waited. And 
when the name of the killer was re- 
leased, and it was a Hindu name, their 
first reaction was a sense of relief. It 
didn't lessen their sense of the tragedy, 
but they were relieved that it wasn't a 
Muslim. Similarly, when I heard that Ra- 
bin had been shot, as horrified as I was, 
my first thought was, What's the name of 
the killer? Had it been an Arab name, 
goodness knows what would have hap- 
pened. When we heard it was a Jewish 
name, that, of course, unleashed 'anoth- 
er kind of horror. But I can't deny that 
my first reaction was relief, because it 
would have harmed the peace process 
immeasurably if the murderer had been 
an Arab. 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about having 
become a symbol of freedom of speech? 
RUSHDIE: I have no interest in being a 
symbol. I want to be a writer, and that's 
all. I do want to bc a good writer and onc 
who engages in public themes, as well as 
private ones. I wanted to have my say— 
to be part of that conversation. But I 
didn't want to become some kind of 
statue. 
PLAYBOY: But isn't there, in your work, an 
intent to stir up trouble, to incite? 
RUSHDIE: It depends on what you mean. 
I think all good art is provocative. I don't 
particularly like the idea of demonstra- 
tions in foreign cities—that wasn't some- 
thing I wanted—but I do want art to stir 
you up, to make you think and feel. I 
think the reason for being a creative 
artist of any sort is that you want to be a 
part of the conversation: I see this. What 
do you think? Here's how I feel. Do you 
feel it? That's what the work of art does 
to you. If it doesn’t, it's inert. If it does, 
it's provocative. Certainly 1 would hope 
that everything I wrote provoked peo- 
ple. But that doesn't mean provoke them 
to anger or violence. It can mean pro- 
voke their sense of duty or their sense of 
horror or their sense of justice or injus- 
tice or their sense of humor It's true that 
I have a fairly emphatic view of the 
world and I express it. Inevitably it 
means a lot of people don't like it. That 
just comes with the territory. Midnight's 
Children was written in the aftermath 
of the Bangladesh war, in which mass 
genocide was committed by the Paki- 
stani army. Immediately afterward, 
everybody denied the genocide had 
(concluded on page 165) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He knows how to make an entrance, and which new club is worth the show. For him, transport is 
the best part of transportation, and nothing goes better with a tux than a bike. One of every nine 
PLAYBOY readers owns a motorcycle. All told, PLAYBOY readers own more than 2.6 million cycles, 
Sports coupes and convertibles—the stuff that sizzles on America's highways. That's why he 
reads PLAYBOY. Month after month, it’s the magazine that sizzles. (Source: Fall 1995 MRI.) 


64 


ODAY WE ARE bombarded by newness. The new 
movie. The new star. The new show on the new net- 
work. The new song by the new group. The new 
style by the new designer as worn by the new super- 
model. The latest development. The latest craze. 
The hot restaurant, the hot car, the hot comput- 
er. The new lingo. The news. Newt. So rapidly 
and ırrepressibly do phenomena appear that they compete 
for attention in our poor minds. New science has even 
come up with the field of memetics to study how cultural 
ideas—memes—rip like viruses through the media and into 
‘our consciousness. 

Memetics. The hot new science. For now, anyway. While it 
may be advantageous to be a certified memetician (memeti- 
cist? memetier?), when it comes to predicting new trends and 
figuring out the meanings beneath their meanings, it's proba- 
bly enough to be mere magazine writers and editors, like us. 
After all, we know predicting is hot. We have been sitting on a 
vaultful of new stuff for years and have waited for just the 
right moment to let you in on what you'll be talking about for 
the next few months. We hope it will be enough to prevent 
you from being the guy who smacks his forehead and shrieks, 
^Why didn't I know about that?" the first time he sees some- 
thing like no-lick stamps. 

Let's begin with an eternal verity: The best hot new thing 
you can be is old. Not old like Senator Strom Thurmond (an- 
cient, bordering on decrepit), nor old the way mattresses or 
screen doors are old (once hot new inventions, now routine), 
but old in the sense of being so old that you can be rediscov- 
ered—in other words, retro. This explains why the hot new 
star is John Travolta and the hot new band is the Beatles and 


РУР 


RETRO THIS 
AND POST THAT. 
THE SHAPE OF 
THE FUTURE 
COULD 
SURPRISE YOU 


BY JAMIE MALANOWSKI 


DIGITAL ILLUSTRATION BY JIM LUDTKE 


Den 


e 


PLAYBOY 


the hot new action hero is James Bond 
and the hot new look is from the Six- 
ties. Not surprisingly, then, the hot new 
subjects for cinematic auteurs to cap- 
ture on film are Richard Nixon (Oliver 
Stone) and Jack Kerouac (Francis Cop- 
pola). Even though some owners in the 
ik the hot new move is to put 
a team in a weird midsize city ( Jack- 
sonyille, Charlotte, Nashville), the 
point spread favors retro. The real hot 
new move is to head for an old NFL 
city (Oakland, Baltimore, St. Louis 
and, before long, Los Angeles). Retro 
also explains why the hot new peace 
dividend (freedom) in eastern Europe 
is allowing voters in fledgling democra- 
cies to elect ex-Communists. Finally, it 
prepares us for our own political par- 
ties’ hot new approaches to govern- 
ment—Clinton's Great Society Lite ver- 
sus Gingrich's Ike Plus! By the way, 
retro can happen only to people or 
things worthy of rediscovery. When 
they aren't worthy but get rediscovered 
anyway, we call them camp. Or gaso- 
line crises. 

Closer to home, the hot new gender 
to be is male. This has been true be- 
fore (see History of the World, Most of), 
though during the past few years 
Hillary Clinton and lipstick lesbians 
sent the title the other way. Despite the 
mixed blessings inherent in the crown, 
old-fashioned patriarchy (the hot new 
fundamentalist practice) is on a roll. 
Louis Farrakhan didn't invite women 
to the Million Man March, the Promise 
Keepers don’t invite women to their 
rallies and the Pope still says women 
can't be priests. Traditional Republican 
men such as Bob Dole say their wives 
won't have much desk space in the 
Oval Office. Traditional Republican 
women such as Congresswoman Enid 
Waldholz even let their husbands han- 
dle their finances—and all the right- 
brained, manly manipulations thereof. 
It's getting to the point that being an 
old throwback is so in, the sensitive 
New Age man is the butt of ridicule. (“1 
love you, man” from the Bud Light ad, 
1995’s hot new commercial tag line, is 
the one to beat in 1996.) 

Being a guy is good, being an old- 
fashioned guy is better, but being a big 
old-fashioned guy may be best of all 
Big guys are finding it easier to drive. 
They are buying up the Humvee, the 
hot new military-vehide-turned-subur- 
ban-runabout. It's easier for big guys to 
eat hearty—not only is beef back, wild 
game is the hot new entree. (Chicago, 
apparently, is nutty about ostrich—the 
sandwich, not the shoe.) It's easier to 
dress. Big and tall, now at ten percent 
of the menswear market and growing, 
is the hot new size. But, then, every- 
body is finding it easier to dress. Casu- 
al Friday has caught on, and dressing 


down every day is the hot new fashion 
statement. (Given that a lot of compa- 
nies will always be unenthusiastic about 
jeans, the future appears to belong 10 
Dockers men.) 

Being big and tall could explain how 
big and tall Michael Eisner and (just) 
tall Ted Turner have come out so well 
in the media merger game (the hot 
new corporate pastime), while the 
rather smaller Larry Tisch has not. 


Undoubtedly, the inexorable sales of 
Humyees—along with Explorers and 
Jecp Cherokees—are part of some- 
thing larger. Owned by suburbanites 
who seldom drive them to places more 
treacherous than the pitted parking lot 
ofa Wal-Mart, Range Rovers and such 
belong to the same trend that has leggy 
models wearing Doc Martens to fash- 
ionable restaurants and soft-bellied at- 
torneys sporting Timberlands to rake 
leaves. They all share the hot new per- 
ception that life is hard and dangerous 
and that we ought to prepare ourselves 
for a difficult and perilous journey. If 
we can't do it by girding our loins like 
ancient Israelites, then at least we 
should get ourselves a roomy four- 
wheel-drive vehicle and a canvas vest 
with lots of pockets for such important 
survival tools as grocery coupons and 
credit cards. Of course. life isn't getting 
physically harder, just psychologically 
harder. Owning a lot of rugged gear 
won't help many people—except, per- 
haps, those who relieve their stress by 
shopping 

"That means all this stress must find 
other ways to manifest itself. Often it 
ends up producing the hot new emo- 
tion, which now is anger. 105 every- 
where: in Internet flaming, in the 
Michigan Militia, in the inner city, in 
postO.J. hostility, in the Oklahoma 
City bombing, in European soccer- 
style brawls in American sports, in the 
Marlin Fitzwater-Mike Wallace snarl- 
fest in the greenroom of Politically In- 
correct, in Roseanne telling The New 
Yorker: “1 think more women should be 
more violent, kill more of their hus- 
bands,” in Gordon Liddy saying, 
“Head shots. Head shots.” Even 
though Roseanne and Liddy are not 
the hot new avatars of nuttiness—un- 
like challengers Courtney Love and Pat 
Buchanan, they are longtime, consis- 
tent performers—we are reaching new 
and increasingly unhealthy depths. 
During last fall's government shut- 
down, one congressman walked into 
the members-only cafeteria on Capitol 
Hill and, for the first time in his career, 
saw Democrats sitting only with Dem- 
ocrats and Republicans only with 
Republicans. 

In at least one respect, all this anger 


is a good thing, because anger that isn't 
expressed turns into depression. When 
people are depressed, they are either 
withdrawn, uncommunicative and 
abusive or they participate in the hot 
new baby-boomer trend of dysfunc- 
tionality. Like anger, which has its own 
economy built on class-action lawsuits, 
dysfunction is big business. Consider 
the market for new, better antidepres- 
sants (watch out, Prozac, here comes 
Zoloft), the big bucks for tell-all mem- 
oirs about crazy families (Quivers: A 
Life, by Robin Quivers, and The Liar's 
Club, by Mary Karr) and the high rat- 
ings for talk shows. 

Unfortunately, people are angry and 
depressed about something a fractured 
Washington and a little blue pill can do 
nothing about: their future prospects, 
which have become the hot new subject 
over which to develop anxiety. Today, 
with the rich at work to build their self- 
esteem, with the nouveau riche at work 
because they aren't good at anything 
else, with everyone else at work to keep 
the wolf away from the door and with 
downsizing the current corporate reli- 
gion, employment prospects are grow- 
ing scarce. This means that the hotnew 
status symbol of now and the future 
is not a Lexus or a Rolex. It's just a 
good job. 

Anyone involved with professional 
athletics ought to pay particular апеп- 
tion to indulging in their anxieties 
about future prospects. The people in 
pro sports, owners as well as play- 
ers, are swiftly becoming the hot new 
victims of their own successes—replac- 
ing the most recent titleholder, 
Mike Milken. There's no need to go 
into their innumerable self-inflicted 
wounds, but to those who argue that 
the popularity of sports is just too in- 
grained to go away, consider this: Peo- 
ple once went to church every Sunday. 
They once went to the theater a lot. 
Boxing was once big. The speaker of 
the house was a Democrat. Disco ruled 
the airwaves. Things change. Things 
go away. 

Of course, they can always come 
back. Moving on to another capital of 
memetic America, Hollywood, the hot 
new concept is regurgitation (retro of a 
particularly pernicious strain—call it 
Ebola retro). Deciding that previous 
visits to atomic-era television worked 
well (The Addams Family), or at least well 
enough (The Brady Bunch), studio exec- 
utives are poised to release Mission: Im- 
possible, Flipper, The Saint, Flash Gordon 
(again), Sergeant Bilko, McHale's Navy 
and The Love Boat. Underlying these 
releases is Hollywood's hot new moti- 
vation, which is actually the same as 
Hollywood's old motivation, namely, 
fear. The marketeers who run the stu- 
dios get nervous when confronted with 


“Im on a quest of sorts. I’m looking to get laid!" 


67 


PLAYBOY 


68 


anything they don't know how to ad- 
vertise. They save their enthusiasm for 
sequels or remakes or big-screen ver- 
sions of anything that comes ABE—Al- 
ready Been Enjoyed. This is true of 
Highbrow Hollywood as well. One of 
the most anticipated movies is a re- 
make of Nabokov's Lolita. Then there 
are the new version of Othello (ог O, 
The Prequel, as it's known), a new ver- 
sion of Hamlet and two new versions of 
Richard III. The Bard notwithstanding, 
the hot new writer is the author of 
Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion and Em- 
ma (the inspiration for Clueless), Jane 
Austen. (There are so many classy cos- 
tume productions, they have spawned 
their own hot new lingo. For example, 
Kate Winslet, the hot new actress who 
stars in Sense and Sensibility and Hamlet, 
is described as a Period Babe.) 

"The current situation is dramatical- 
ly different from the way Hollywood 
functioned during the Seventies, when 
bold and intelligent movies such as The 
Godfather, Nashville and Taxi Driver led 
people to call movies the hot new art 
form. Today, the hot new art form is 
television. (Unless you happen to be 
Damien Hirst, the controversial Brit 
artist whose work includes animals split 
by a chain saw and a sheep immersed 
in formaldehyde. In that case, your hot 
new art form may be goat.) The Larry 
Sanders Show and Seinfeld are routinely 
funnier and more sophisticated than 
any screen comedy. Shows such as 
E.R., NYPD Blue and Homicide are caus- 
ing critics to say that TV has replaced 
the novel as middlebrow entertainment. 

It may not last long. Some of us 
whose art once involved sitting in front 
of a television are answering a higher 
calling by riding the Internet. The In- 
ternet, as most primates now know, is 
really the hot new way to do every- 
thing. The decision by Associated Press 
to distribute stories over the Net has 
made it the hot new way to get news. 
NBC Desktop is the hot new way to get 
financial information. Cyberbrothel 
experiments involving Brandy's Babes 
and NetMate (also called ScrewU- 
ScrewMe, thanks to CU-SeeMe two- 
way software) have made it the hot new 
way to have sex and have ensured that 
at least some of us will greet the new 
millennium by masturbating. (Oh, all 
right, there’s no point in denying it— 
all of us will greet the millennium by 
masturbating.) With video compres- 
sion that makes CD-ROMs more like 
TV and with the arrival of Java, the 
new World Wide Web software that will 
replace current versions of HTML, the 
hot new future is here. 

So much so that we have a hot new 
disorder. Virtual reality is still only vir- 
tual, but people who insist on wearing 
VR goggles are getting real headaches 


and blurred vision, a condition doc- 
tors call binocular dysphoria. Hurry— 
there still may be time to be the first kid 
on the block to catch it. 

By the way, we certainly don’t mean 
to give short shrift to masturbation, 
which even outside cyberbrothels is 
staking a respectable claim as the hot 
new way to have safe sex. It’s also, for 
nearly anyone out of puberty, an amus- 
ingly retro way to have sex. Around the 
country, aficionados of the swingers 
network are singing the praises of mas- 
turbation parties to attract new, clean 
blood, while in New York, businessmen 
seem to have acquired a taste for Kore- 
an massage parlors. (The harried exec- 
utive can get a relaxing back rub and 
hand job while waiting for his new Big 
and Tall suit to be cleaned and 
pressed.) Meanwhile, fetishists are 
flourishing, thanks—again—to the In- 
ternet (the hot new home of the 
fetishistic). Whereas once they might 
have dwelt in loneliness and fear, S&M 
devotees, foot worshipers, amputee 
buffs and other enthusiasts of the eso- 
teric now find one another online, 
where they exchange equipment and 
techniques and organize support 
groups and bake sales and defense 
funds and God knows what else. (Just 
so you know, the hot old ways of having 
sex continue to have their adherents.) 

One offshoot of the cyberrevolution 
(or perhaps just an offshoot of the San- 
dra Bullock revolution) is that the hot 
new property for nearly anything to 
have is speed. Souped-up computers 
were just the beginning; then came 
Rollerblades, longer tennis rackets that 
add zip to serves, the Republican ma- 
nia for cutting red tape, higher speed 
limits and the continuing rise in the 
popularity of Dale Farnhardt. 

There are plenty of other ways to 
partake in the 21st century. You could 
go to Saigon, a very retro town—so 
retro, it's once again being called Ho 
City (with good reason). It's rapidly re- 
placing Prague as the hot new Goa, 
which, you'll certainly recall, was for a 
long time the hot new place for disaf- 
fected Gen X-patriates to live a sybarit- 
ic, bohemian and somehow more au- 
thentic existence than was otherwise 
possible. If you can't get it together to 
go to Saigon, wait awhile and take a 
shorter trip to Havana. One day Fidel 
(essay question: When Castro is redis- 
covered, will he be retro or camp, and 
why?) will no longer reign. An explo- 
sion of freedom, joy, avarice and greed 
will fuel an unimaginable number of 
enterprises. And if you can't get to Cu- 
ba, go to Los Angeles, where carth- 
quakes, fires, mudslides, gang wars and. 
riots have turned the old utopia into 
the hot new dystopia. 

If you cant go anywhere, stay home 


and work on developing a hot new 
lifestyle. Get rid of your glasses. The 
hot new elective surgery is about to 
be photorefractive keratotomy, which is 
laser surgery to correct nearsighted- 
ness. More and more doctors are being 
trained in the technique. Laser manu- 
facturers have planned a market blitz, 
and they project that 500,000 people 
will opt for this surgery in 1996. Soon 
glasses will become a thing of the past. 
Or, from time to time, merely the hot 
new fashion accessory. 

Or take up gardening, which is the 
hot new hobby. Even urbanites whose 
gardens are limited to fire escapes and 
roofs are getting green. If you have a 
yard, play croquet, which is the hot 
new weekend lawn diversion. 

Or go to the hot new beverage bars 
and drink the hot new liquids—tea and 
water. This may sound blasphemous, 
but there’s only so much Starbucks you 
can consume. 

Or maybe there’s not. Maybe you 
can drink the same thing in the same 
joint for years, wear the same clothes, 
listen to the same music, drive the same 
car, live in the same place, work at the 
same job, believe in the same God, date 
the same person and let the same peo- 
ple call you Dad. People will admire 
you for your consistency. They'll say, 
“Hey, there’s a guy who really knows 
who he is.” Then. when you die. they'll 
plant you and you'll stay in the same 
box in the same damn plot for eternity. 

Wait—there’s hope. Put some mon- 
ey into the hot new franchise chain, 
which, as hard as it is for some New 
Yorkers to believe, is bagels. Fat-free, 
low-cal and limitless in their variety, 
bagels are the food of the future and 
taste much better than soylent green. 
Or you could start munching tomatoes, 
the hot new health food blessed with 
such miraculous properties that eating 
up to ten a week is supposed to ward 
off prostate cancer. Or get into the hot 
new racket, telenetting, by which you 
make a long-distance digital phone call 
by modem for the price of a call to a lo- 
cal network. Or watch Hercules, the hot 
new so-bad-it's-great TV show. Or lis- 
ten to a pirate radio station (the hot 
new illicit pleasure) or swing music (the 
hot new revived genre taking over one 
night a week at Los Angeles’ Viper 
Room). Or you could become an ex- 
tropian and learn to believe that tech- 
nology will relieve us of all our troubles 
(the hot new delusion), or have a kid 
and name him Baxter or her Mathilda 
or some other uncommon and sort of 
weird name (the hot new inside joke), 
or have a conversation about the hot 
new subject: 

The weather. And how crazy it is. 


TAMMI AND 
THE BACHELOR 


what's a nice girl to do when 
her grammer's just so bad? 


A S ANYONE who taps into the Hollywood gos- 
sip pipeline can tell you, Kelsey Grammer 
isn’t exactly the sweet, dweebish shrink he plays 
on TV. In fact, according to these who spend 
their time trailing the Emmy-winning actor off 
the set of his hit show Frasier, Grammer's a walk- 
ing soap opera—primarily in the romance de- 
partment. If we're to believe the tabloids—and, 
hey, who doesn't?—Grammer's love life has 
been astring of disasters that has included a first. 
wife who scooped up their infant daughter and 
jetted off to the Bahamas with another man, a 
jealous actress he dropped. an ex-skater who 
lost his best friend (a dog named Goose) and an 
ex-stripper whom he married—a woman. he 
says, who made his life hell. 

Did such a parade turn Grammer off women 
for life? Hardly. 125 1993—and enter Tammi 
Alexander, a corn-fed Kansas beauty who had 
arrived in California from Las Vegas to try her 
luck as a model. The fated couple reportedly 
first locked eyes when Tammi (fresh from a spir- 
ituality seminar) breezed into Harry O's of Los 
Angeles, where Grammer was drowning his 
marital sorrows. Tammi was friendly, pretty and 
sexy, so Grammer invited her to a barbecue 


Kelsey Grammer had twa reasans ta smile ot lost 
September's Emmy awards (above): The complicot- 
ed-but-lovable TV shrink not anly took hame the cov- 
eted statuette but also had Tammi ta worm up his 
nights. At right: Tommi in 1990—then knawn as Tam- 
mi Baliszewski—during quieter, pre-Grammer days. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR 


his Valley digs the next evening 

Т was thinking that he was my d 
tiny,” Tammi said). A romantic Ме: 
ican getaway soon followed. In Fel 
ruary 1994 Grammer proposed, 
first on bended knee (in his limou- 
sine, no less), then before Базе? 
studio audience a week later. Tammi 
melted, the wedding was planned, 
Grammer copped the Emmy for 
best actor in a comedy and every- 
thing was A-OK. 

Fast-forward through almost two 
years of engagement. Starry eyes 
eventually spied Grammer making 
a spectacle (though not quite a 
Hugh Grant) of himself with a “gor- 
geous babe” at a Virgin Records 
bash. After two nights of carousing, 
reported the tabloid, Grammer con- 
fessed to Tammi that most celebri- 
ties take mistresses because their 
jobs are so stressful. “I'm too young 
to be married,” he reportedly told 
her. “Too young at heart.” Tammi 
drew the line and packed her bags. 
Grammer called this “a difficult pe- 
riod” on Leno. The next night, a 
close friend of Tammi's told the 
tabloids, Grammer “came crawling 
back on his hands and knees,” sob- 
bing at Tammi's door. She softened, 
and roughly 24 hours later the pair 
officially reunited—on Oprah. So 


how's the combustible couple now? 
One can never be sure. But odds 
are, they're far from finished. 


It's been а wild engagement for Tammi (pictured here in а 1990 Playmate test). Although Grammer wanted to make Tammi his "New 
Year's bride,” she gave him back the two-carat diamond when he reportedly told her that “marriage is the kiss of death.” Tammi sized 
up the potentially calamitaus pairing simply: "He wanted a license to cheat,” she raged, according to the Star. "He's got some nerve." 


74 


INSIDE 


What goes on during a holy war for the Republican nomination? 


BUCHANAN’ S 


Our writer sneaks behind enemy lines to spy on Pat's foot soldiers 


BUNKER 


article by JONATHAN FRANKLIN 


anchester, New Hamp- 

shire is a scrapper's 

town where survivors 

outnumber victors a 

dozen to one. The tex- 
tile tycoons left here for cheaper hands 
south of the border. One of the world’s 
largest shoe manufacturing operations 
is now a brick dinosaur, The out-of- 
luck and out-of-work sip coffee in 
Dunkin’ Donuts, which locals call 
Drunken Grown-ups. There isn't a lot 
to smile about in Manchester, where 
the icy wind blows through sweaters 
and parkas, oak leaves zip by and the 
city tax collector auctions another fore- 
closed office building. 

This is Pat Buchanan country. It was 
here, in 1992, that Buchanan vaulted 
the fence dividing political commenta- 
tors and presidential candidates. Bu- 
chanan leaped into the campaign 
and immediately violated the Republi- 
can Party's Eleventh Commandment: 
Thou shall not speak ill of fellow Re- 
publicans. Later, with his acclaimed 
speech at the Republican convention in 
Houston, Buchanan helped elevate Bill 
Clinton to the White House. In that 
speech Buchanan said, "There's a reli- 
gious war going on in this country, a 
cultural war as critical to the kind of 


nation we shall be as the Cold War it- 
self, for this war is for the soul of Amer- 
ica.” According to pollsters, thousands 
of voters abandoned the Republicans 
after that speech. Party leaders were 
widely criticized for allowing such divi- 
sive rhetoric. So when Buchanan an- 
nounced his second presidential run in 
March 1995, the party elders recog- 
nized the danger in their midst. Warn- 
ing signals echoed throughout the Re- 
publican Party: How powerful is Pat? 
Who are these voters flocking to his 
America First campaign? 

I wondered myself, and I figured 
there was one sure way to find out: I 
could join his campaign. I figured that 
if Buchanan can disguise himself as a 
friend of working-class America, then I 
could disguise myself as an angry white 
man who was out of work and eager to 
fight back. 

1 was born in Manchester and was 
keen to go back home—and back in 
time. So in late October I returned to 
this nondescript state where every four 
years, the nation inexplicably leases its 
political future. 

e 


1 laugh at the license plates with the 
state motto: LIVE FREE OR DIE. The plates 


ILLUSTRATION BY WILSON MCLEAN 


are made by prisoners. Immediately I 
find the cheapest barber in town and 
shear off my curls, leaving only a Ma- 
rine regulation flattop. Now Buchanan 
is the longhair. I buy a bronze Liberty 
Beil belt buckle the size of a baseball 
that shouts: AMERICA: LET FREEDOM RING 
ім. The silver-plated Winchester tie 
dip balances nicely with my conserva- 
tive clothes. Carrying a copy of Nation- 
al Review, I set off for the campaign 
headquarters, where I spot an old 
Dodge Dart with the sticker 1 v ASSAULT 
WEAPONS. 

Things don't look so good at the 
Buchanan campaign office. Pumpkins 
and hay bales are rotting, cold pizza sits 
in the refrigerator and a new volunteer 
is puking in the bathroom. Apparently 
he ate an old pizza without asking how 
long ıt had sat abandoned. Phone lines 
hang from the ceiling like spaghetti. 
On a wall is the campaign motto: THE 
SECOND WINNER IS THE FIRST LOSER. De- 
spite the cheesy, low-rent tint—or per- 
haps because of this vaunted underdog 
status—the campaign office buzzes 
with enthusiasm. This week's Time 
magazine cover, featuring Buchanan's 
everywhere. The cover line 
reads: HELL-RAISER: A HUEY LONG FOR THE 
NINETIES, PAT BUCHANAN WIELDS THE MOST 


PLAYBOY 


76 


LETHAL WEAPON IN CAMPAIGN "96: SCAPE- 
GOAT POLITICS. 

“Have you got any bumper stickers? 
I need one for my car,” Task the suited 
gentleman who walks over to greet me. 

“Sure,” says Peter Robbio, Buchan- 
an's point man for the New Hampshire 
primary. "How many do you need?" 

"Oh, you have position papers, too." 
I talk a little too loud and too enthusi- 
astically, hoping to be noticed. "I'd like 
to volunteer, I have a few free hours if 
you have any extra work.” 

“Sure, there's always something to 
do,” says Robbio, who looks like a 
Nixon doll shrunk into a Danny DeVi- 
to-size suit. He flips his Motorola cellu- 
lar to his face and enters a second con- 
versation at full speed. I hear him 
shout, “The number of tickets you buy 
will determine the dout you wield,” in 
a voice that also says, "That's common 
sense, bub.” 

As I survey the office, three aides 
come over and introduce themselves: 
Shaun (a freckled Irishman from Mas- 
sachusetts with a lobster-red face), Lee 
(the resident Southerner and the only 
person I saw in New Hampshire wear- 
ing cowboy boots) and Mike (a hulking, 
olive-skinned New Yorker). Each is 
ambitious, friendly and dedicated to 
Buchanan's charismatic campaign. 

I don’t have to wait long to hear 
aides mock Phil Gramm and Bob Dole 
as "leap-year conservatives"—Buchan- 
an's line to recruit voters now pack- 
ing the party's engorged right wing. 
Gramm is a bore, they tell me. Dole is 
dismissed as a worn-out retread with 
"one arm and no heart." Both Gramm 
and Dole will be defeated by fearless 
Pat, the aides tell me with adolescent 
enthusiasm. 

We gather around a battered, mal- 
functioning Magnavox and cheer as 
Pat lands friendly jabs on his interview- 
er, a young woman from MacNeil 
Lehrer. We laugh as he deftly disarms 
her questions. Win or lose, Buchanan 
perpetually dominates these shows, 
grabbing the spotlight and boosting. 
ratings. He's a natural entertainer. 

Minutes after Buchanan assures his 
nationwide audience that “the cultural 
war is being won,” I hear a whoop. 
Buchanan's driver, a young aide 
named Roger, is surfing the World 
Wide Web. He's sitting to my right and 
sputtering, “I did it, I downloaded it. 
This is so cool.” 

I expect to see the Rush Limbaugh 
home page or the Oliver North Web 
site. Instead, it's the MTV page. The 
network's logo glides open and up pop 
Beavis and Butt-head. Revving up a 
chainsaw, Beavis announces, “I sen- 
tence you to death” and shreds Butt- 
head's finger—blood spurts liberally 
and Roger laughs as he struggles to 


download another file. Soon the entire 
office gathers around the PC: Beavis 
and Butt-head are here. 

Behind his Plexiglas divider, Robbio 
shrieks into his cell phone, "It's two вм. 
and I need his schedule!" Buchanan's 
aides are busy organizing a Young Re- 
publican costume party. Lee—who dis- 
misses the others as Yankees whenever 
they screw up—plans to dress as a Con- 
federate soldier. The Confederacy will 
not be disappointed, Lee promises, as 
he jokes about battling Union soldiers 
outside the Halloween party. 

Mike ignores us as he works the tele- 
phone, mining New Hampshire for po- 
litical trends. He’s an experienced 
campaigner who volunteered for Bu- 
chanan in 1992. This time around he is 
one of a dozen paid staffers, canvassing 
New Hampshire for Buchanan. His job 
title is N.H. deputy director, but he 
would probably call himself a glorified, 
over-qualified gofer. On the campaign 
trail he staples signs to telephone poles 
and mans the computers. 

“I have never seen Pat before in per- 
son,” I say to Shaun, the Irishman 
from Massachusetts. “Do you think I 
can meet him?” 

“The more you help, the more you 
get to be with Pat,” Shaun says. Shaun's 
job title is volunteer coordinator, which 
in this campaign is a delicate task. The 
Buchanan campaign regularly encoun- 
ters hermits who are angry, enthusias- 
tic, but not all employable—even as 
volunteers. It is Shaun's job to find 
productivity in whomever walks 
through the door, even the crazy ones. 

My first task is to help carve Buchan- 
an’s portrait into some pumpkins. But 
the artistic talent in this campaign is ze- 
ro, so Shaun offers a new plan: “We 
carve out the letters, one in each 
pumpkin, to spell out BUCHANAN FOR 
PRESIDENT.” Soon we are elbow-deep in 
pumpkin seeds, reliving Beavis and 
Butt-head. It’s a long way, 1 think, from 
here to the White House. 

1 volunteer to call names from a list 
of 7500 New Hampshire Republicans. 
Who is not pro-Buchanan and could 
possibly be swayed by a phone call? 
Who claims that ending abortion is im- 
portant but doesn't realize that Bu- 
chanan is the most ardent anti-abor- 
tion candidate? 

Shaun announces the latest analysis 
from his phone calls: Half the Republi- 
can Party has little interest in the cur- 
rent crop of candidates. When asked to 
name their favorite candidate they hes- 
itate, talk about someone who should 
be running and finally declare them- 
selves undecided. 

One man tells me assertively: “I 
will vote for anyone who could get 
that clown Clinton out of the White 
House.” A woman with a listless voice 


says, “I don't know. I just wish some- 
one would call me up and tell me who 
to vote for.” 

When a voter says he is unsure but 
“probably backing Dole,” Shaun 
smiles. “Can you imagine getting all 
fired up over Bob Dole?” Shaun then 
picks up the phone and dials the offices 
of Republican presidential candidate 
Bob Dornan. Posing as an outraged 
supporter of the right-wing California 
congressman, Shaun lectures the Dor- 
nan campaign—why don't they leave 
that Buchanan guy alone? So what if 
Buchanan's been married for more 
than 20 years and has had no children? 
Lay off. After he hangs up Shaun lets 
us know that Buchanan is “not a ho- 
mo” but is truly a faithful Catholic with 
“a biological problem.” 

“Come here,” Shaun calls. “I need to 
tell you something.” We cross the room 
and go into the hallway. "There's a guy 
coming here tonight—he's a bit kooky, 
so I'll need you to keep an eye on him." 

His name is John and he talks like 
he’s been drunk for days. His mind 
is so slow you can almost hear the 
thoughts individually grinding out. 
Improvising from the script Shaun has 
given him, he says “Hello, my name is 
John and I'm calling every registered 
Republican voter in New Hampshire 
and I was wondering who you plan to 
vote for.” 

“You can't personally call every Re- 
publican,” Shaun brusquely explains. 
“There are more than 200,000. You 
have to say that we are calling every 
Republican.” 

John dials again: “Hello, my name is 
John and I'm calling every registered 
Republican voter in New Hampshire.” 

Shaun grimaces. 

е 


Republican party leaders are peeved 
at Buchanan for ignoring their plan 
designed to upset Bill Clinton in 1996. 
By sticking his sharp tongue in places 
most Republicans wouldn't dare, Bu- 
chanan continues to stand out from the 
growing pack of Republican candi- 
dates. While Dole, Steve Forbes and 
Gramm wing around New Hampshire 
in private jets, Pat Buchanan paints 
himself as a populist, cruising in a rent- 
ed Winnebago he calls Asphalt One. 

In this campaign, in a calculated 
switch, Buchanan abandoned cultural 
values as the central issue of his cam- 
paign and instead focused on an ultra- 
nationalistic economic populism. 
“When I am elected president of the 
United States, there will be no more 
Nafta sellout of American workers,” 
says the latest incarnation of candidate 
Buchanan. “There will be no more 
GATT deals done for the benefit of 

(continued on page 138) 


“How much will it cost to put my mouth where my money is?” 


77 


SPRING PREVIEW holy rocky raccoon! beetle mania 


is returning as volkswagen unveils 


E ¡UTE E its plans for a brand-new car 
ASA 
BUG 


YOGI BERRA got it right when he said, “It's déjà vu all over 
again.” Yes, Volkswagen is bringing back the Beetle. Not the 
original Beetle, of course, but a Nineties reinterpretation of 
the classic Bug, code-named Concept One (pictured here 
with four joyriding Beatles aboard). “Concept One illus- 
trates its owner's philosophy of life: individualist, lightheart- 
ed, youthful and nonaggressive,” touts VW. Officially, the 


car will be on American roads sometime before the year 
2000, but given Volkswagen's current meager market share, 
we're betting that the Concept One will be rolling off Mexi- 
can auto assembly lines long before the turn of the cen- 
tury. And its price is sure to be competitive with Chrysler's 
Neon, GM's Saturn and Honda's Civic, among other 
diminutive marques. Say, mate, which way to Penny Lane? 


Volkswagen's forthcoming Concept One 
will be a front-wheel-drive two-door 
with twin air bags, antilock brakes 

and traction assistance. Under the 

hood will be o four-cylinder engine 
coupled to a five-speed manual 

or four-speed automatic 

transmission. The interior (o 

cavernous 67" wide) will 

feature leather seats 

and side trim. 


YOU CANT GET away from them. They're 
in newspapers and magazincs, on TV 
and radio and the Internet, and they 


arc a staple of workplace and cocktail 
party conversation. They’re mutual 
funds, and, as with computers, if you 
don’t own any, it's probably because 
you're paralyzed by the confounding 
complexity of it all. 

Investing in mutuals isn’t brain 
surgery. Brain surgery involves a man- 


ageable number of specific, depend- 4 
able techniques that typically yield 
predictable results. Fund investing in- 


volves a seeming infinitude of factors, 
variables, statistics and technical analy- 
ses of varying and arguable worth, 
along with a host of assorted, and often 
conflicting, proven methods, prevail- 
ing wisdoms and winning strategies. 
Fact: For virtu- 
ally every timeless 


truth in fund in- 
vesting, there's a 
data junkie some- 
where who can re- 


fute it statistically. 

I'm no profes- 

== sional investment 
counselor. I'm just 

a freelance writer 

trying to provide 
POPULAR WAY for my eventual 


retirement in an 
OF INVESTING era when Social 
Security will be 


THE MOST 


1S PROBABLY — about as viable as 
unicorn breeding. 
THE LEAST : 
Thus I've been in- 
UNDERSTOOD. Vesting in mutual ARTICLE 


funds for seven 
HERE'S A GUIDE years now, and I BY ROBERT S. WIEDER 
have digested al- 
most everything 


MOST OUT OF on the subject that. 
has crossed my 
YOUR MONEY path. I have con- 
cluded that pick- 


ing mutual funds is largely like picking 
borses at the track: It's as much a mat- 
ter of luck and hunch as it is of empiri- 
cally reliable methodology. 

Even so, some rules and rationales 
are sounder and more sensible than 
others, some techniques more demon- 
strably successful than others, and 
some realities more relevant than oth- 
ers. Most important, the more I've 
learned, the better I've done. 

Here's what I've learned. 


TO GETTING THE 


I have one simple rule of 
thumb: Only invest what you could 
afford to lose without that loss hav- 
ing any effect on your daily life in 
the foreseeable future. 

—PETER LYNCH 


Your first and most important invest- 
ing decision is asset allocation: how 
80 much to invest in funds. (By which I 


LUSTRATION BY THOMAS SCACCA 


етш“! 


ЛІП 


ТІП ШІН 


y 


PLAYBOY 


82 


mean U.S. equity funds. There's prob- 
ably room for fixed-income and inter- 
national funds in your portfolio, but 
not in this article.) 

Ignore such witless formulas as “the 
percentage of your savings to have in 
stock funds should equal 100 minus 
your age.” This has nothing to do with 
individual financial realities. The ax- 
iom that “the younger you are, the 
more you can take risks and ride out 
down markets” overlooks the vastly dif- 
ferent risk tolerances ofa single, healthy 
25-year-old with an MBA and a mar- 
tied 25-year-old with three kids, a mort- 
gage, a vulnerable job and a bad back. 

More germane to how heavily you 
invest are your personal financial con- 
dition (income, budget, job security), 
the size of your investment nest egg 
and how long you know you won't 
have to touch it—your time horizon. 

Equity funds observe the law of risk 
and reward: the greater the former, the 
greater the latter, and vice versa. The 
more assets that you invest in equities, 
the higher your risk-reward potential. 

Financial writer Jane Bryant Quinn's 
guidelines for risk are fairly typical: 
100 percent in equities is high risk, 50 
percent is medium risk, 20 percent is 
low risk. She defines low-risk indicators 
to include low earnings, big debts, poor 
health, a time horizon of four years or 
less and a tendency to fret over paper 
losses, A high-risk investor has hefty 
and reliable earnings, a comfortable 
net worth and a blithe indifference to 
down markets lasting up to two years. 

Tip: Be brutally honest about your 
emotional fortitude. This is a roller 
coaster, and if turbulence in the market 
will produce turbulence in your gut, 
you're much more likely to make im- 
petuous, and wrong, decisions. 


Ninety percent of your invest- 
ment success comes from picking 
the right types of funds, and only 
ten percent from picking the right 
funds. —WILLIAM DONOGHUE 


In choosing individual funds, don't 
start with proven winners as defined by 
various financial magazines’ and ser- 
vices’ performance ratings. Start by de- 
termining the kinds of funds that are 
best for you and in what proportions. 
Different fund types are designed to 
meet different goals, such as minimal 
risk (balanced), long-term capital 
growth (capital appreciation), maxi- 
mum returns (growth, aggressive 
growth) or steady income (growth and 
income, equity income). 

Conservative investing seeks decent 
gains with the least amount of risk. It 
emphasizes funds that capture divi- 
dends or concentrate on undervalued 
stocks. Dividend income is a quiet but 
formidable engine for robust long- 


term profits. Income funds tend to be 
more stable. Steady, reinvested divi- 
dends provide a superb cushion when 
the market is falling. Value funds buy 
bargain-priced stocks with good funda- 
mentals. In theory, such stocks offer 
more growth potential and less ground 
to lose if the market sours. 

Aggressive investing scoffs at risk 
and goes right for the gold. It empha- 
sizes capital growth funds: growth, ag- 
gressive growth and small cap (smaller, 
often younger companies). 

Note: Some aggressive growth funds 
sell stocks short. If you're bullish, write 
them off. 

Your greatest friend and protector is 
time, which diminishes risk and virtu- 
ally ensures reward. Had you invested 
entirely in equities in 1947 and held 
your portfolio intact until 1993, you 
would have taken some savage one- 
year hits (one as high as 26.5 percent), 
but you would have gained an average 
13.4 percent annually. The longer your 
time horizon, the more the historical 
incline overcomes the hits. 

As a rule of thumb, you can expect 
the market (for the purposes of this ar- 
ticle, the Standard & Poor's 500) to rise 
about ten percent a year over the long 
haul. But, as the small print says, past 
performance is no indicator of future 
trends. Since 1970 the market has stag- 
nated for periods as long as six years. 
In one 21-month thrashing in 1973 
and 1974, it nose-dived 45 percent. 
Thus, Fidelity, the world’s largest mu- 
tual fund manager, suggests you use 
your time horizon to determine how 
you should allocate your assets. If you 
don't expect to need your mutual-fund 
money for ten years, you can be 100 
percent in equities. If your time hori- 
zon is seven years, 65 percent; four 
years, 40 percent; two years, 20 per- 
cent. If you'll need your money in less 
than two years, stay out. Mind you, 
these are simply guidelines; your own 
mileage may differ. 

Generally, aggressive funds perform 
best in up markets. But in bear markets 
aggressive funds can hemorrhage 
while the conservative funds merely 
cough. In seven bear markets since 
1961, balanced and equity income 
funds lost an average 17 percent in val- 
ue and took just nine months to recoup 
their losses. But growth and small cap 
funds lost 29 percent and spent 16 
months in recovery. The lesson: The 
shorter your time horizon, the better 
off you'll be with conservative funds. 
Brokerage firm Charles Schwab rec- 
commends conservative funds for in- 
vestment periods of two to five years, 
and aggressive funds if you intend to 
be in for five years or more. 

Caveat: Lately, the difference in risk 
and reward between conservatives and 


aggressives hasn't been that impres- 
sive. From 1985 to 1995, aggressive 
growths returned 205 percent versus 
equity incomes’ 188 percent. In flat- 
line 1994, the former lost 5.8 percent 
and the latter 3.5 percent, and in 
white-hot 1995’s first II months, 
growth funds gained 27 percent, equi- 
ty incomes 25.7 percent. Bear market 
safety may be the conservatives’ prima- 
ry edge. 

Tips: Skip asset allocation funds, 
which combine stocks, bonds, cash, in- 
ternational funds and other invest- 
ments. Most balanced funds do like- 
wise, but without making speculative 
plays in gold or real estate, and they 
virtually tied general equity funds’ re- 
turns from 1983-1992. Also, rebalance 
your fund mix every year as your vari- 
ous categories’ values grow or shrink. 
You'll lock in profits from winners and 
add to laggards that may be prime for 
а move. 

You've decided which fund types to 
buy; now you have to evaluate and 
identify the best prospects in each cate- 
gory. This is roughly as simple as find- 
Ing an honest mechanic. For example, 
Mutual Funds magazine polled 100 so- 
called experts about their primary 
criterion for evaluating funds. The 
runaway leader was consistently above- 
average returns over time, preferably 
ten years 

As we noted before, past perfor- 
mance tells you only what has hap- 
pened, not what will. Even funds with 
sterling long-term records can and do 
tank. Still, historic performance is what 
the experts look at. So it is a logical 
place for you to start. Look for funds 
whose total returns are routinely in the 
top 25 percent to 30 percent of their 
categories. Most magazines’ perfor- 
mance ratings compare funds with 
their peers (growth to growth, bal- 
anced to balanced). But be careful— 
definitions vary, and one magazine's 
capital appreciation fund may be an- 
other's aggressive growth. When rat- 
ing systems disagree, call the fund and 
ask how it categorizes itself, and why. 

Caveat: Small cap is notoriously sub- 
jective and can mean companies with 
an average market capitalization of 
$500 million, $750 million or $1 bil- 
lion. My bias is that small should mean 
$500 million or less. Also, many “do- 
mestic" funds include foreign holdings, 
sometimes up to 50 percent. If this 
troubles you, pass them up. 

Then compare funds over the same 
time. Some people will tell you market 
trends are so transitory that anything 
beyond one year is meaningless. But 
many analysts want at least ten years 
in order to include the bear market 
of 1987 and factor in how a fund 

(continued on page 92) 


“Thank you for hiring me. I didn’t expect a desk job!” 


83 


84 


| 
mg 
ummer 


E РЕҢ 
orecast 


everything old is cool again 


ENSWEAR designers are on a retro trip, 
reflecting in their new spring and 
summer lineups everything from the 
rebel look of the Fifties to the disco 
threads of the Seventies. But while 
Joseph Abboud, Donna Karan, Rob- 
ert Freda and others may borrow fashion cues from the 
past, they use the latest fabrics, colors and tailoring to give 
the clothes new flair. White suits, for example, will be show- 
ing up this summer. Today's version is a far cry from the 
polyester special that John Travolta wore in Saturday Night 
Fever. (The new white way is to pair a double-breasted suit 
such as the DKNY model on page 91 with a dark, open-col- 


lar camp shirt.) Black-tie attire harks back to James Bond’s 
Thunderball days. You also can get preppy in a white leather 
jacket worn with a sweater and classic flat-front khakis. 
James Dean would have dug the Nineties version of the zip- 
front jacket, which looks sporty in brown-toned glen plaid 
(pictured on page 87). Wear one with a white T-shirt (vith a 
"V" rather than a crew neck) and cigarette-slim jeans. 
There's also the mod mode of dress. Our man on page 88 
teams a leather racing jacket with a dark T-shirt, indigo den- 
im dungarees and black-framed wraparound sunglasses. 
Way cool—and all in a day's dressing for our quick-change 
artist, who takes you from a casual Friday at the office in a 
tailored soft suit (at right) to a finale of late-night dancing. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


Fashion By Hollis Wayne 


Dress-down Fridays are a great way 
to prep for the weekend. Here, our 


and polo shirt combination. His wool 
and-nylon three-button suit ($595) is 


shirt (about $220), both by Joseph Ab- | 
| ора; plus leather penny loafers by ` Ў 

Kenneth Cole (5140), a brown füll- < 

grain leather belt with a solid brass, 

square buckle by Cole-Haan ($45) 

and red-tinted glasses from Colours 

by Alexander Julian ($90). 


Far left: Gallery-happing at 
midday. Here, we've matched 
a suede blazer by Joseph Ab- 
baud Collection ($715) with a 
silk-knit shart-sleeve crewneck 
by Lance Karesh from Basca 
($130), catton flat-frant pants 
by DKNY (about $70), leather 
driving shoes by J.P Tad's 
($230) and a leather belt by 
Daniel Craig ($90). Inset: The 
latest incarnation of the ma- 
tarcycle jacket is slick in white 
leather. This zip-frant madel by 
Emporio Armani ($850) is 
warn with a cottan ribbed 
V-neck sweater by Matthew 
Встапап ($150) and khaki 
ponts by Industrio ($198). 


Right: Leave the vintage 
threads to starving students 
and bahas on budgets. Taday’s 
blast-from-the-past laaks are 
as much a tribute ta farmer 
fashion fads as they are ta 
modern fabrics and construc- 
tion. Café caol, this James 
Dean-style zip-frant jacket, far 
example, is updated in a cat- 
tan glen plaid with twa flop 
packets, by Austyn Zung 
($250). It's teamed with a cat- 
tan V-neck T-shirt by Gene 
Meyer ($35), cation denim 
jeans by Bass-Huga Bass 
(abaut $100) and lecther 
square-taed laafers with silver 
, by Gucci ($275). 


НАН 6 MAKEUP BY DAWN JACOBSON 
FOR STREETERS, 


Left: Taking a leisurely break 
between work and play, our 
well-dressed rood warrior 
wears the summer's hottest 
look in outerwear—the racing 
jacket. This handsome zip- 
front model by Robert Freda 
($1800) is made of soft, 
stonewashed leather and has 
bold, primary-color stripes. 
We've teamed it with a black 
cotton crewneck long-sleeve 
T-shirt by Victor Victoria ($80), 
Hugo-Hugo Boss’ indigo cot- 
ton denim five-pocket jeans 
($125) and leather belt with 
silver buckle (about $100), and 
wraparound sunglosses with 
silver arms, by Diese! ($100). 


Right: With lady luck ot your 
side and a black-tie ensemble 
by Brioni (the designer who 
dressed Pierce Brosnan's 
Jomes Bond in Goldeneye), the 
odds of hoving an unforget- 
toble night on the town will 
definitely be m your favor. His 
one-button single-breasted 
dinner jocket (obout $2250), 
wool double-pleated tuxedo 
trousers ($700) and cotton 
wing-collar shirt with o pique 
bib ond french cuffs (about 
$400), all by Brioni, ore pcired 
with a silk sotin bow tie ($40) 
and gold-tone oval cuff links 
with mother-of-peorl inloy 
(580), both by Tino Cosmo. 


HAIR & MAKEUP BY GARETH GREEN 
FOR ZOLI ILLUSIONS (RIGHT) 


A little late-night limo action 
typifies the Playboy Look, a 
trend toward more elegant, 
trim-fitting suits, which we 
highlighted in our January 
fashion feature. Here, our man 
goes Playboy for an evening 
on the town in a striped wool- 
and-nylon three-button suit 
with notched lapels, besom 
pockets and trousers, by Vesti- 
mento ($1100), a silk long- 
sleeve shirt by Paul Smit 
($235), a raw-silk woven tie by 
Joseph Abboud ($80), suede 
cap-toe shoes by Cole-Haan 
(5175) and a nubuck sports 
belt with a gunmetal buckle, 
by Daniel Craig ($110). REN ASSOCIATES 


Our guy proves that if John 
Travolta can make a smashing 
comeback, then the white dis- 
co suit can, too. Of course, 
we're not saying you should 
drag your old model out of the 
closet. Today’s white suit is up- 
dated in both fabric and style. 
This ribbed cotton-and-rayon 
model is a six-button, two-to- 
button double-breasted look 
with peaked lapels, besom 
pockets and double-pleated 
trousers, by DKNY (about 
5620). Wear it the Nineties 
way with a rayon camp shirt by 
DKNY (5125) and slip-on 

shoes with welt stitching, by 
Kenneth Cole (5110). 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155. 


ES 
Ne 


PLAYBOY 


92 


MUTURLFUMD са from page 82) 


The number of equity funds has increased, and ex- 
pansion brings marginal players into the game. 


weathers bad times. Alas, if you require 
more than five years you'll have to rule 
out a huge number of newer funds— 
many of them with excellent results 
and perhaps brilliant futures. 

A possible tactic is to use time as a 
conservative variable, The lower your 
time horizon or risk tolerance is, the 
more “past” you want. The more risk 
you're willing to assume, the less histo- 
ry you'll need. But heed Eric Tyson, 
author of Mutual Funds for Dummies: 
"What happens to the value of equity 
funds in the short term is largely a mat- 
ter of luck." 

More important than overall past 
performance is consistency. Whatever 
your time frame, check the fund's year 
by year returns to see if its superior 
record was produced by one killer year 
and several mediocre ones. Of funds 
that grew an average of, say, 13 percent 
annually over time, give the edge to 
those whose individual years were fair- 
ly close to that average. That indicates 
a fund manager's ability to adapt to 
shifting market conditions. Funds that 
rise or fall widely may just be beneficia- 
ries (or victims) of chance. 

Tips: Within your time span, focus 
on funds that beat their peers' average 
two out of every three periods (quar- 
ters or years). And note the fund's 
worst down year; if you can't live with a 
similar falloff, stay out. 

Bear in mind that a fund's past per- 
formance is meaningful only if the 
same manager still runs the fund, and 
in the same way. Length of tenure at 
the helm is important: The number of 
equity funds has increased since 1989 
and, as with baseball, expansion brings 
a host of untested and marginal players 
into the game. Most of the new man- 
agers don’t have experience with bear 
markets or 1987-style debacles. 

Even superior funds can slip after a 
star manager leaves. Be wary of funds 
that have recently changed managers. 
However, if the new manager will con- 
tinue the fund’s successful objectives 
and strategy and has managed, with 
good results, a similar fund elsewhere, 
you needn't worry too much. (But re- 
member: A small cap genius who takes 
over a utilities fund can perform like 
Michael Jordan in a baseball uniform.) 

Tip: Funds run by individual man- 
agers tend to outperform those man- 
aged by teams. 

Some analysts feel that smaller funds 
are better. Funds with huge assets to in- 


vest may not be able to respond quick- 
ly to changing markets, or may be 
forced to buy their favorite stocks to 
the point of dangerous overexposure. 
They may even buy marginal stocks 
they would otherwise pass on. 

“There's some truth to this, but rapid 
asset growth is more suspect than mere 
size, and a warning sign, not a curse. 
Berger 100 was a ten-year superstar 
when it managed $100 million to 
$300 million. Since it passed $1 billion, 
it's been an also-ran. But many people 
predicted unpleasantness for Fidelity 
Magellan and for 20th Century Ultra, 
with similar growth. Both were among 
1995's highfliers. The old familiar les- 
son: It's not the size that counts but 
what you do with it. 

Tip: Give points to fund families that 
offer telephone redemption—allowing 
for a quick bailout—and allow you free 
transfer into their other funds. 

Because certain types of funds (such 
as equity income and balanced) pre- 
dictably create more taxable income 
than others. some fund analysts make a 
big deal about tzx liabilities. But this is 
like worrying about the tax conse- 
quences of getting a raise. Unless 
you're already in or near the highest 
bracket, taxes are a nonissue. 

Two more meaningful factors in 
fund evaluation are risk and expenses. 
Let's consider them in order. The 
problem with risk is that it's hard— 
perhaps impossible—to measure. First, 
calculations of risk, like those of perfor- 
mance, are based on past realities. 
Some funds with seemingly bullet- 
proof, low-risk ratings in 1993 (Van- 
guard Wellesley, Stratton Monthly Div- 
idend) were ravaged in 1994. 

Second, most risk measurements 
simply reflect the volatility of a fund. 
"That tells you only how wildly a fund's 
returns have fluctuated in good and 
bad periods. It doesn't necessarily pre- 
dict anything about your likelihood of. 
losing money. Moreover, a fund that 
holds relatively few stocks or plays a 
narrow market sector can be low in 
volatility but still high in risk. 

Still, volatility is important. A mercu- 
rial fund needs significantly more big 
upswings to succeed. The math is sim- 
ple: Put $1000 into a fund that rises 50 
percent one year and falls 50 percent 
the next and you will wind up with 
$750. A fund that nudges steadily up- 
ward or vacillates narrowly will beat 
one that whipsaws. 


Your two major risk reducers are 
time and diversification. Given time, 
the market has never lost money over 
the long haul. (But that has sometimes 
meant riding it out for ten years or 
more.) Diversification addresses the 
fact that individual funds and fund 
types rise and fall at different times and 
rates, and for different reasons. The 
more you spread your money across a 
variety of funds and fund types and 
avoid concentration in isolated seg- 
ments, the more you moderate your 
overall risk. 

Diversification can be achieved by 
owning several funds in your chosen 
categories or by owning index funds, 
which buy hundreds of stocks in their 
particular category (small cap, bal- 
anced, value, etc.). Different indexes 
march to different drummers; large 
cap and small cap—and value and 
growth—tend to move in and out of fa- 
vor inversely to each other. Your de- 
sired result, says Morningstar vice 
president Don Phillips, is analogous to 
“pistons in an engine, elements that are 
going to hit at different times and suc- 
ceed in different environments to get 
smooth performance in a variety of 
markets.” 

How many fund types you should 
own is a matter of opinion, goals and 
capital. Nest egg permitting, most ex- 
perts advise ar least four: large cap, 
small cap, value and growth. I would 
add equity income and aggressive 
growth and, if you're investing more 
than $50,000, I'd recommend two or 
even three funds of each type. More 
than that is probably excessive—you 
could get about the same results with 
less expense in an index fund of each 
category. And the more funds you own, 
the more you must monitor and make 
decisions about. If you start losing 
track of what you own, and why, and 
how it’s doing, you're overextended. 

Remember that broad diversification 
is inherently conservative. If you're ag- 
gressive and want real action, you'll 
find it at the other end of the risk-re- 
ward spectrum: sector funds. These 
are niche investments concentrated in 
specific industries—in energy, health, 
technology, etc. They're often labeled 
“select” or “strategic” and are as much 
speculation as investment. 

Any given year’s top funds are usual- 
ly sectors, but so are its dead-dog 
losers. And they're volatile enough to 
give you the bends. Fidelity Select En- 
ergy roared up 59 percent in 1989 and 
sank 23.5 percent in 1991. Sector 
funds require close and constant scruti- 
ny and a “no guts, no gravy” tempera- 
ment. Experts recommend them only 
if you know the industry well and are 
already broadly diversified. Failing 

(continued on page 161} 


THE RELUCTANT CONSERVATIVE 


the talk-show pundit laments 


the uncool right and tells 
why, if times were 
different, he'd rather 
hang out with 
liberals 


SI WATCH America start to move 
away from our centuries-old 
practice of having only two po- 
litical parties, I feel compelled to add 
one more: the Reluctant Conserva- 
tives. We are the ones who think that 
Phil Gramm was way out of line when 
he crowed, “I was conservative before 
conservative was cool.” 

Phil, you miss the point completely: 
Conservatism is never cool. It's all 
about hunkering down and staying 
static, or even going backward. The 
state of the union today is conserva- 
tive—as it should be. My dictionary 
defines liberal as “marked by generosi- 
ty or bounteousness.” Bounteousness is 
tough when you have no money, when, 
in fact, you owe $5 trillion. I know that 
doesn't sound like a lot of money, but 
we live in times that make it necessary 
to be conservative. 

What is not necessary, however, is the 
denigration of liberalism. As another 
president tries to conceal his liberal in- 


stincts, it becomes even more impor- 
tant to emancipate liberals from the 
Underground Railroad in which they 
are presently cowering and encourage 
them to take their rightful places in the 
American debate. This word, liberal, 
which once brought to mind the idea of 
a vigorous progressive, has been so 
pummeled by the right and deserted 
by the left that it has come to mean a 
kind of fringe cultist. In fact, if some- 
thing is not done, the term will become 
synonymous in a few years with the 
word gay. You'll say, "Í consider my- 
self to be a liberal," and people will 
say, "Oh, maybe you should meet my 
friend Bob. He's a liberal." 

Again, I don't blame people for be- 
ing conservative nowadays. I'm more 
conservative than I ever thought I 
would be. But when I am I try to own 
up to the fact that it comes from 
selfishness and from cynicism about 
how effective government can really 
be. It comes from lost idealism, from 


ILLUSTRATION BY MARK ULRIKSEN 


opinion 


By BILL MAHER 


my brain winning and my heart losing. 
I go with it when it would be stupid not 
to, but it’s nothing to crow about, likea 
lot of these new conservatives do. They 
act as if they were on to something 
wonderful; no, they're simply on to 
something necessary. 

It should not be forgotten, however, 
that being liberal is what a nation 
should aspire to, just as it is what a per- 
son should aspire to. Liberal means 
open-minded, willing to try new 
things, eager to get to the next place. 
That's the kind of person I like to hang 
out with. I hope we can someday afford 
to run our country that way again. The 
fact that we can't afford it now is no 
cause for celebration. Think of the 
word liberal in its original meaning—as 
in liberate, libre, libertarian. It means 
freedom. 

Now there's a conservative concept 


for you. 
El 


93 


if you have the right equipment, 
miss april can make 
your digital dreams come true 


tor couldn't have created a 


F veNa skilled computer anima- 
better Playmate for the digital 


age than Gillian Bonner. Not only 
does she have a great body, a 
warm smile and a quick wit, but 
she also owns a very big computer. 
She's the type of girl who can 
make your fantasies come true— 
even if you've never met her. 

For most of the past dozen 
years, the Atlanta native has trav- 
cled around the country as a high- 
ly paid fashion model. But a few 
years back, Gillian founded her 
own Florida-based software-devel- 
opment company, Black Dragon 
Productions. (Check out its World 
Wide Web page at http://www. 
blackdragon.com.) Black Dragon's 
first release will be an interactive 
CD-ROM game, Riana Rouge. 


[ТИПИ GILL 


You can guess who portrays Riana. 

“The key to winning at Riana 
Rouge is to do the right thing,” 
Gillian explains. “If you make all 
the right decisions, you can em- 
power the female character— 
me—and help her conquer five 
different worlds.” 

Gillian hopes someday to create 
digital erotic fantasies that arc 
more explicit and expansive than 
Riana Rouge. “Whatever turns 
you on should be what you get, 
she explains. “With virtual reality, 


m ae 
Ко) 


g 


PARADISE 


The challenge behind creating com- 
puter animation, Gillian says, isn't 
creating new objects but re-creating 
the most familiar ones, particularly 
women: “I love drawing the female 
farm because it’s the mast beautiful 
shape in the world and very fluid. The 
power inside women inspires me.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


Gillian laves rebels with style. 71 really like bad boys, guys with tattoos,” she says. “But they have ta be intelligent 
as well. The trauble is, most of the guys who have ambition are the stackbroker type—the Handi-Wipes-after- 
sex sort of man. | like guys who do their own thing. But they also have to make samething of themselves.” 


you have complete power, 
and everyone gets turned 
on by power.” 

Task about her own fan- 
tasies, realized or ши 
ined. “In at least one of my 
virtual fantasies, I'd have a 
penis,” she says. "Once 
that's out of the way, I'll be 
able to branch out.” She 
sips her wine, then spots 
my raised eyebrow. “Oh, I 
have penis envy all the 
way,” she explains with a 
laugh. “I think I must have 
been a man in a previous 
life. My fantasies involve 
having complete control 
over what happens while 
also experiencing situa- 
tions in which I am so 
overcome by lust that I lose 
control. I've been on the 
other side of that equation, 
looking into a guy's eyes 
and just knowing that he 
wants me. 

Besides starring in Ri- 
ana Rouge, Gillian wrote 
the story and supervised 
the creation of its artificial 
worlds. “As a kid, I drew 
constantly, so I've always 
been an artist at heart,” she 
says. “It’s all a matter of 
breaking things down into 
simpler part 

Gillian tells me more 
about pixels, perspectives, 
RAM, ROM and Riana, 
until I'm ready to grab a 
joystick and make some 
right decisions. But first, 
dessert. She orders her fa- 
vorite—chocolate mousse. 
“I love all kinds of food, 
especially sweets,” Gill- 
ian says, licking chocolate 
from her lips. “I have this 
incredible oral fixation. 
Mouths are so erotic—I 
can kiss for hours. The 
downside is that I'm always 
battling my impulse to eat. 
I run five miles every day 
and lift weights. I love be- 
ing in touch with my body. 
175 easy to see why. Unlike 
her creations, Miss April is 
for real. —CHIP ROWE 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


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во: 2 С. натет: а. жағы NND 
7, 


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AMBITIONS [a uae. Sensual cá иа. 0 Kerzen dhat 


bnn CULO Fe 


Pee os 
MEN ARE GREAT BECAUSE THEY: «а Sh а Guy 

(Ж ОЛЛО быш 22 daz au =) ll 
(he, grla a re Uno a CONE А 
WHAT DRIVES МЕ WILD: Primo, Cru med De до 
lover, 20 Pose со то luar WER, 


с кессе ow “ARE IN уут): 


T up Roses nm Down Under Big ¡Cu 25420. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


A deliveryman was driving through a rural 
area when he saw a farmer plowing his field 
with a bull. The driver found this especiall 
odd because the place seemed otherwise ae 
ern and highly mechanized. Curious, he 
stopped and waited by the fence as the farmer 
and beast slowly approached. “No horse?” the 
man asked. “No tractor?” 

“Yep, got both,” the farmer replied. “But I 
want to show him he ain't here just for the 
romance." 


On the eve of her wedding, Diana pulled her 
mother aside. “Mom,” she said, “teach me how 
to make my new husband happy.” 

“Well, honey, when two people love each 
other very deeply, making love is natural” 

“I know how to fuck,” the daughter impa- 
tiently interrupted; “I want to know how to 
make chili dogs. 


Praysoy cıassıc: Concerned that his wife was 
experiencing some hearing loss, Al consulted a 
doctor. The physician suggested a simple test 
to determine how bad the problem was. 

That evening Al found his wife at the stove, 
her back to him, “Hi, honey,” Al said in a nor- 
mal speaking voice. "What's for dinner?" No 
response. 

He took a few steps in, as the doctor advised, 
and said again, "Hon, what's for dinner?" Still 
nothing. 

Stepping up directly behind his wife, he 
leaned forward and loudly repeated, “What's 
for dinner?" 

His wife spun around. "For the third time— 
meat loaf, you deaf bastard!” 


Whats the difference between ex-cons and 
congressmen? Every now and then ex-cons 
passa few good bills. 


Dissatisfied with the results he got from his 
family doctor, the balding man sought out al- 
ternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend 
referred him to a scientist who had been test- 
ing a chemical that showed great promise. 
Within a week after taking the recommended 
dosage, hair began to grow uncontrollably all 
over his body. The suddenly hirsute fellow re- 
turned to see the scientist. 

“What the hell did you give me?” he 
demanded. 

“It was DNA from a woolly mammoth.” 

"Aha," the hairy man exclaimed. “That 
would explain the size of my balls!” 


On receiving word of his wife's accident, John 
tushed to the hospital. The attending physi- 
cian assured him she would be OK but needed 
to spend a few days in intensive care. 

“If I may make a suggestion," the medic 
said, “research has shown that oral sex speeds 
up an ICU patient’s recovery. If you are will- 
ing, we'll give you some privacy.” 

John quickly agreed and curtains were 
drawn around the woman’s bed. Iwo minutes 
later, buzzers and bells beckoned doctors and 
nurses to the area, and they worked furiously 
to revive her. Once she was stabilized, the doc- 
tor asked John. “What went wrong?” 

“I dunno,” he said with a shrug. “I think she 
choked.” 


Тиз MONTH’S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: 
What do you have when you have 50 govern- 
ment workers and 50 lesbians in the same 
room? A hundred people who dont do dick. 


Д, two o'clock in the morning, Jesse the 
farmer was kicked out ofa bar, drunk as usual. 
‘Trying to find his way home through the dark 
streets of the town, he staggered along until he 
lurched into a nun. The wobbly drunkard im- 
mediately lunged at the poor woman, twisted 
her arm, threw her to the ground and pinned 
her down. 

Several passersby heard the disturbance and 
rushed to assist the downed woman. As they 
pulled the thrashing farmer off her, he 
screamed, “I thought you'd be stronger than 
that, Batman!” 


КУ 


The specialist told Mrs. Taylor to give her hus- 
band one pill and one shot of whiskey every 
day to improve his sexual stamina. When she 
returned to the office a few weeks later, the 
medic asked her how everything was work- 
ing out. 

“Well, he’s a little behind on the pills,” she 
reported, “but he’s about six months ahead 
with the whiskey.” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


"It's OK to look. Just don't stare.” 


UMMERTIME and the grooming 
is easy. This year, the hottest 
products for warm weather 
will offer simple solutions 
You'll find conditioning shaving creams 
and vitamin-based formulas that will 
revitalize your skin and hair. There’s 
even a lotion-and-pill combo that will 
give you a great (but expensive) tan. 

Last year, the big news was alpha 
hydroxy acid. These natural acids help 
slough off old cells, leaving the skin 
looking smoother and younger. Prod- 
ucts containing AHAs transformed the 
men's grooming market, opening a 
whole field of preparations that includ- 
ed moisturizers and sunscreens. 

This year, vitamins will be the new 
treatment. Based on the premises that 
vitamins help fight the signs of aging, 
protect against environmental damage 
and soothe the skin, vitamins are in- 
cluded in skin and hair formulas. Top- 
ical vitamin therapy is so popular that 
you'll discover vitamins in everything 
from aftershave creams to shampoos. 
Some products emphasize specific vita- 
min formulas. The new Malibu Bodies 
collection of moisturizers and body 
washes contains essential oils and vita- 
mins C and E. But many companies 
hedge their bets by including all the 
latest and most popular ingredients, 
such as vitamins, AHAs, sunscreens 
and moisturizers. 

Chanel, for instance, will launch 
a new men's collection this spring. 
The three-product Technique Pour 
Homme will contain AHAs, sunblock 
and vitamin E. Sharp Shooter, a new 
oil-free antioxidant night lotion from 
Aramis, is also due out this spring, as is 
Karin Herzog's Ultimate face cream 
(which delivers oxygen, vitamins A and 
E and AHAs to your skin). 

Skin Strategies already produces a 
line of vitamin-enriched skin-care 
products for men that includes 
cleanser, exfoliating scrub and mois- 
turizer. Also available is Man Made, a 
multivitamin and mineral supplement 
that contains an antioxidant complex. 
Nature's Elements, a collection of nat- 
ural skin- and hair-care shops, recently 
added vitamins to its shelves. And it 
will soon be coming out with a pre- 
shave scrub for men who have prob- 
lems with ingrown hairs. 


Pycnogenol is a popular new ingre- 
dient in skin care. Extracted from 
grape seeds or pine bark, pycnogenol 
is said to help your skin by acting as an 
antioxidant, assisting in the prevention 
of ultraviolet damage and helping to 
rebuild collagen. Grape-seed extract is 
found in Country Life's Maximum 
Skin Care Formula, a supplement that 
also contains beta-carotene, vitamins B 
and E, royal jelly and squalene, a de- 
rivative of shark oil. Nature's Ele- 
ments will offer a new shaving cream 
with herbs, green-tea extract and pyc- 
nogenol. And Zirh Skin Nutrition, a 
new grooming collection, will use pyc- 
nogenol to treat both the inner and 
outer man. It includes a pycno- 
genol-and-vitamin C supplement 
along with a cleanser, facial serum and 
a moisturizer that contains additional 
pycnogenols, AHAs and sunscreen. 

And DK Men makes travel easy with 
its new disposable travel kit, which con- 
tains small versions of cologne spray, 
aftershave, hair-and-body shampoo 
and antiperspirant. 


A CUT ABOVE 

Razor burn and skin irritation of- 
ten become more problematic during 
warm weather. This summer, Guerlain 
introduces a sensitive skin serum for 
men whose faces get irritated from 
shaving or from too much sun. Schick 
presents the new Tracer FX, a razor for 
men with sensitive skin. It has a patent- 
ed herringbone-patterned rubber strip 
designed to cushion the blade. And 
Gillette has come out with a new line of 
products to help soothe your skin. The 
Pacific Light collection includes Extra 
Protection Shave Gel (with lubricants 
and beard softeners to help protect 
against nicks and cuts), After Shave 
Skin Conditioner and Moisturizing АЕ. 
ter Shave Splash (an alcohol-free ton- 
er). And, if it's your wallet that's sensi- 
tive and not your face, look for Braun 
to add less-expensive shavers to its line. 


HAIR APPARENT 

Getting and keeping great hair is a 
big part of men’s grooming, especially 
during the summer. To build super 
body, check out products designed to 
add volume to your hair. There'll be a 
new sculpting foam with strong hold 
from Paul Mitchell. Redken introduces 


SPRING PREVIEW 


HE 

LONG 
HOT 
ГІМЕ? 


ALL ABOUT THE 
NEWEST GROOMING 
TIPS AND TRENDS 


ARTICLE 
BY DONALD CHARLES RICHARD/ON 


a Fat Cat collection of Body Booster 
hair products. The line includes a 
shampoo for fine hair, a detangler and 
a “volumist” designed to give your hair 
lift. And Image Laboratories has intro- 
duced Gel 2 Foam, the first styling gel 
that expands into a foaming mousse. 
It's formulated to add bulk to fine or 
thinning hair. 

‘To revitalize dry hair, Redken salons 
offer a massage using a formula of vita- 
mins, natural extracts and oil for an in- 
tense moisturizing treatment. The ser- 
vice starts at $15. 


FUN IN THE SUN 

You already know the pros and cons 
of tanning. But you can avoid the sun 
and still get the color you want by 
rubbing on the new self-tanner with 
AHAs from the Aramis Lab Series. 
Clarins, Polo Sport, Neutrogena and 
Coppertone (concluded on page 166) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


110 


ІМ ІШЕ 
er 
UM 


visit victoria's palace—it's 


the ultimate vacation for cyberfans 


who are seriously into lingerie 


fiction by T IE IS IS Z BISE SIN 


“Yon will feel a slight chill," the at- 
tendant said. “Don't worry about it. Just go with 
it, OK?" 

"OK," I said. I had heard all this before. 

"You will fecl a slight disorientation. Don't 
worry about it. A part of you will be aware of 
where you are, and another part will be aware of 
where you really are, if you know what I mean. 
Just go with it, OK?" 

"OK," I said. "Actually, I have heard all this be 
fore. I was on the Amazon Adventure last yea 

“You were? Well, I am required to say it any- 
way,” the attendant said. “Where was I? Oh yes, 
go slow.” He wore squeaky shoes and a white coat 
and carried a little silver hammer in aloop on his 
pants. “If you look at things too closely at first, 
nothing will be there. But if you take your time, 
everything will appear, OK?” 

“OK,” I said. "What about ——?" 

“You won't know her name,” he said. “Not in 
the demo. But if you sign up for a tour, you will 
know it automatically. Ready? Lie down. Take a 
deep breath." 

Ready or not, the drawer started sliding in and 
I felt a moment of panic, which I remembered 
from the year before. The panic makes you take 
another breath, and then there is the sharp smell 
of the Vitazine, and there you are. It is like wak- 
ing from a dream. I was in a sunlit room with a 
deep-piled rug and high French windows. She 
stood at the windows overlooking what appeared 
to be a busy street, so long as you were careful 
not to look at it too closely. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN ВАМУМ 


PLAYBOY 


112 


I was careful not to look at it too 
dosely. She was wearing a sand-washed 
burgundy silk chemise with a sheer- 
lace Empire bodice, cross-laced on the 
plunging back. No stockings. I have 
never really liked stockings. She was 
barefoot but I couldn’t make out her 
feet. I was careful not to look at them 
too closely. 

Tliked the way the bodice did on the 
sides. After a while I looked around the 
room. There was wicker furniture and 
a few potted plants by a low door. I had 
to duck my head to step through and I 
was in a kitchen with a tile floor and 
blue cabinets. She stood at the sink 
under a little window overlooking a 
green, glistening yard. She was wear- 
ing a long-sleeved panne velvet body- 
suit with a low sweetheart neckline, 
high-cut legs and a full back. I liked the 
way the velvet did in the back. I stood 
beside her at the window, watching the 
robins arrive and depart on the grass. 
It was the same robin over and over. 

A white wall phone rang. She picked 
it up and handed it to me, and as soon 
as 1 put the receiver to my ear and 
heard the tone, I was looking up to- 
ward what seemed at first to be clouds 
but was in fact the water-stained ceiling 
of the Departure Hall. 

Isat up. “That's it?” I asked. 

"That's the demo,” said the atten- 
dant, who hurried over to my opened 
drawer, shoes squeaking. “The phone 
is what exits you out of the system. The 
same way the doors elevate you from 
level to level.” 

"I like it,” I said. “My vacation starts 
tomorrow. Where do I sign up?” 

“Slow down,” he said, helping me 
out of the drawer. “The Veep is by invi- 
tation only. You have to talk to Cisneros 
in client services first.” 

“The Veep?” 

“That's what we call it sometimes.” 

е 


“Газ year I did the Amazon Айуеп- 
ture,” I said to Dr. Cisneros. “This year 
Ihave a week, starting tomorrow, and I 
came in to sign up for the Arctic Ad- 
venture. That's when I saw the Victo- 
ria’s Palace demo in the brochure.” 

“Victoria's is just opening,” she said. 
“Actually, we are still beta testing sec- 
tors of it. Only the middle and upper- 
middie rooms are open. But that 
should be plenty for a five-day tour.” 

“How many rooms is that?” 

“Lots.” She smiled. Her teeth looked 
new. The little thing on her desk said 
в. CISNEROS, PH.D. “Technically speaking, 
the Veep is a hierarchical pyramid 
string, so the middle and upper middle 
includes all the rooms but one. All but 
the Upper Room.” 

1 blushed. I'm always blushing. 

“You wouldn't be getting that high in 


just five days anyway.” She showed me 
her new teeth again. “And because 
we're still beta testing, we can make 
you a special offer. The same price they 
charge for the Arctic and Amazon ad- 
ventures. A five-day week, nine to five, 
for $899. The price will go up substan- 
ually when Victoria's Palace is fully 
open next year, I can assure you.” 

“I like it,” I said. I stood up. “Where 
do I go to pay?” 

“Accounts. But sit back down.” She 
opened a manila folder. “First I am re- 
quired to ask a clinical question. Why 
do you want to spend your vacation in 
Victoria's Palace?” 

I shrugged to keep from blushing. 
"It's different and that appeals to me. 
You might say I'm sort of a VR freak.” 

“Direct experience,” she corrected 
me primly. “And the word is enthusi- 
ast,” she added. 

“DE, then. Whatever.” Every compa- 
ny has its own name for it. "Anyway, 1 
like it. My mother says I——" 

Dr. Cisneros cut me off by raising her 
hand like a traffic cop. "This is not the 
answer I need," she said. "Let me ex- 
plain. Because of its content, Victoria's 
Palace is not licensed as an adventure 
simulation, as are the Arctic and the 
Amazon. Under our certification, we 
can operate it only as a therapeutic 
simulation. Are you married?" 

"Sort of,” I said. 1 could just as easily 
have said, "Not exactly." 

"Good." She made a mark in the 
folder. "Our most acceptable Victoria's 
Palace clients—the only ones we can ac- 
cept, in fact—are married men who 
want to improve the intimacy level of 
their relationships through the frank 
exploration of their innermost sexual 
fantasies." 

"That's me,” 1 said. “A married man 
who wants to enter the most intimacy 
through Frank's sexual fantasies." 

"Close enough," Dr. Cisneros said. 
She made another mark in the folder 
and slid it toward me with a smile. 
"Sign this release and you can start to- 
morrow morning at nine. Accounts is 
down the hall on the left." 

е 


That night Mother asked, “What did 
you do today? If anything.” 

“I signed up at Inward Bouni 
said. "My vacation starts tomorrow 
"You haven't worked in two years." 

“I quit my job," I said. "I didn't quit 
my vacation." 

"Didn't you do Inward Bound 
already?" 

"I did the Amazon Adventure last 
year. This year I'm doing the, uh, Arc- 
tic Adventure." 

Mother looked skeptical. She always 
looks skeptical. 

"We're going for a seal hunt along 


the edge of a polynya,” I said. 

"Who's this Pollyanna? Somebody 
new at last?" 

“It's where the ice never freezes 
over.” 

“Suit yourself,” Mother said. “But 
you don't need me to tell you that. You 
always have. You got another letter 
from Peggy Sue today.” 

“Her name is Barbara Ann, Mother.” 

“Whatever. I signed for и and put it 
with the others. Don't you think that 
you at least ought to open it? You have 
astack this high on that thing you call a 
dresser." 

"Well, what's for supper?" I said to 
change the subject. 


The next morning I was first in line 
at Inward Bound. I was let into the De- 
parture Hall at precisely nine, and I sat 
down ona stool outside my drawer and 
changed into a robe and sandals. 

“What's the little silver hammer 
for?” I asked the attendant when he 
showed up in his squeaky shoes. 

“Sometimes the drawers are hard to 
open,” he said. “Or close. Lie down. 
You did the Amazon last summer, 
right?” 

I nodded. 

“I thought so. I never forget a face." 
He was sticking the little things to my 
forchead. “How high did you go? 
Could you see the Andes?” 

“You could see them in the distance. 
The jungle girls wore little bark bras.” 

“You'll see plenty of little bras in the 
Veep. Five days will get you pretty high 
there, too. Don’t look around the 
rooms too soon, because as soon as 
you see a door you'll go through it. 
Slow down and enjoy yourself. Close 
your eyes.” 

1 closed my eyes. “Thanks for the 
tip," I said. 

"I worked on the programming," he 
said. "Breathe deep." The drawer slid 
in. There was the sharp smell of the Vi- 
tazine and it was like waking from a 
dream. I was in a dark, wood-paneled 
library. She was standing by a Tudor 
window with narrow panes overlook- 
ing what appeared to be a garden. She 
was wearing a tangerine-scamed silk 
charmeuse teddy with flutters of lace 
trim at the sides and a low-cut bod- 
ice with covered buttons and lace- 
trimmed, wide-set straps. For a mo- 
ment I thought 1 didn't know her 
name, but then I said it; “Chemise.” It 
was like opening your hand and find- 
ing something you had forgouen you 
were holding. 

I joined her at the window. The gar- 
den was filled with low hedges and 
gravel walks that spun if you looked 

(continued on page 116) 


PLAYMATE REVISITED 


once again, its müller time 


ECANT GET enough of Lillian Müller. As a top 
European model turned August 1975 Play- 
mate, Lillian so wowed our readers that she 


went on to become Playmate of the Year—and one of the 
most popular PMOYs at that. “PLaysoy totally changed my 
life,” she says. “I got my green card and started working in 
television. Through м лувоу, I met my husband and had a 
baby. And, of course, it gave me sex-symbol status.” It’s a 
status she's not in danger of losing. Not surprisingly, she 


is a household name in her native Norway. “I'm the biggest 
Norwegian export to this country,” she says. “In 1992, when 
the leading newspaper in Oslo learned I was on the cover 
of rLavBoY a record number of times, it put me on the 
front page. The paper sold the second most copies in its 
history; the most copies sold were of the issue published 
after the king died.” These days, she's working on a book 
of her life. “Without Hef, I wouldn't be who I am today," 
she tells us. "I'm so happy that he's settled into his new life." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND STEPHEN WAYDA 


113 


"When it comes to my corser, | know exoctly what | wont,” Lillion told us two decades ago. She meant it. Shortly after she moved to south- 
ern California, she lounched on acting career and eventually landed neorly 30 roles on TY. She's olso just published o book of beauty 
secrets ond exercise programs, colled Feel Great, Be Beautiful Over 40. As she often says—and proves in this spread—"Life is excellent." 


PLAYBOY 


116 


ER ROCA (continued from page 112) 


She wore little slippers trimmed with lace. Гт not 
into feet, but they made her feet look sexy. 


too closely at them. I looked away and 
that’s when I saw the door. It was in the 
far wall, between two bookcases. I 
ducked my head to go through and I 
was in a wallpapered bedroom with 
white-frame windows. The floor was 
pine with knitted throw rugs. 

“Chemise,” I said. She was standing 
between two windows wearing a body- 
suit in creamy-white stretch satin, with 
underwire cups and a plunging V cen- 
ter. The cups were edged with white 
lace. The treetops just below the wi 
dow were shimmering as if in a breeze. 

I was getting higher. The sheer satin 
back of her bodysuit was cut in a low V 
that matched the V in front. I liked the 
way the straps did. As soon as I turned 
away I saw the door. It was down one 
step, and I had to duck my head, and I 
was in a long, dark room with narrow 
windows hung with heavy drapes. 
Chemise was kneeling on a curved love 
seat wearing a baby-blue baby doll in 
tulle with lace trim, over a ruffled bra 
and matching panties. Using one hand 
I pulled back the drapes, I could see 
treetops far below, and beneath them, 
brick streets wet with rain. 

I sat down beside her. Her face was 
still turned away but I could tell that 
she was smiling. And why not? She 
didn’t exist unless I was with her. She 
wore little slippers trimmed with lace, 
like her panties. I’m not into feet, but 
they made her feet look sexy. I lin- 
gered, letting the lace on her panties 
make an identical pattern on my heart. 
Then I thought I heard a faint voice 
calling for help. 

I turned and saw a low, arched hole 
in the wall. It was hardly bigger than a 
mouse hole. I had to lie flat on my bel- 
ly, and even then I could barely squirm 
through, one shoulder at a time. 

I was in a concrete-floored hallway 
with no windows. The walls were bare. 
The floor was cold and it sloped in two 
directions at once. It was hard to stand. 
There was a stack of new lumber 
against one wall. A girl was sitting on it 
wearing a red hat. A baseball cap-type 
hat. She stood up. She was wearing a 
T-shirt that read: 


MERLYN SISTEMS 
SOFTWARE THAT WORKS HARD 


I could feel myself getting confused. 
“Chemise?” 

“Not Chemise,” she said. 

“Not Chemise,” I said. “What are 
you doing here? This is my” 


“This isn't your anything,” she said. 
“You're not in the Veep right now. 
You're running parallel, in a program- 
mer's loop." 

“How did you get here, then?" 

"I'm the programmer.” 

“A girl" 

"Of course a girl." She was wearing 
full-cut white cotton panties under her 
T-shirt. "What do you think?" 

“I'm not supposed to have to think.” 
1 could feel myself getting annoyed. 
"This is Direct Experience. And you 
are not one of my fantasies." 

"Don't be too sure. I'm a damsel in 
distress. And you're a guy. You came 
when I called, didn't you? I need your 
help to get to the Upper Room." 

The Üpper Room! She said it so ca- 
sually. "They told me it's not open yet." 
It is if you know how to get to it," 
she said. "There's a shortcut through 
the mouse holes." 

“Mouse holes?" 

“You ask too many questions. ГП 
show you. But you have to do exactly 
what I say. You can't bc looking around 
on your own.” 

“Why not?" I could feel myself get- 
ting annoyed again. I looked around 
justto prove I could. I saw a door, 

“Because,” she said, behind me. 

But I was already stepping through, 
ducking my head. I was in an old-fash- 
ioncd kitchen with white wooden cabi- 
nets. Chemise stood at the counter stir- 
ring a pot with a pair of big scissors. 
She was wearing a low-cut, smooth- 
fitting strapless bra in stretch satin and 
lace with lightly lined underwire cups, 
and a high-cut, wide-band brief with a 
sheer lace panel in the front, all in 
white. “Chemise!” I said. I wondered if 
she wondered where I had been. 

But of course she hadn't. Behind her 
someone was either getting into or out 
of a pantry door. 

It was me. 

I was wearing an Inward Bound 
robe and shower sandals. 

It was me. 

I was wearing an Inward 

It was 

I was looking straight up at the wa- 
ter-stained ceiling of the Departure 
Hall. “What happened?" I asked. 
My heart was pounding. I could hear 
shoes squeaking frantically. A buzzer 
was buzzing somewhere. Mine was the 
only open drawer. 

"System crash," the attendant said. 


“They want to see you upstairs in client 
services. Right away." 
. 


"Our bit maps show you in places 
you couldn't have been,” said Dr. Cis- 
neros. She was looking back and forth 
between the manila folder on her desk 
and something on her computer 
screen that I couldn't see. "Areas you 
couldn't possibly have entered." She 
looked across the desk at me and her 
new teeth glittered. "Unless there is 
something you're not telling me." 

When in doubt I play dumb. "Like 
what?” 

“You didn’t see anyone else in the 
Palace, did you? Anyone besides your- 
self and your DE image construct?” 

“Another girl?” I decided to go with 
my instinct, which is always to lie. “No.” 

“Could be a simple system error,” Dr. 
Cisneros said. “We'll have it sorted out 
by tomorrow.” 


“How did it go?” Mother asked. 

“Go?” 

“With your Pollyanna, your Arctic 
misadventure?” 

“Oh, fine,” I lied. I have always lied 
to Mother, on principle. The truth is 
too complicated. “I learned to handle a 
kayak. Lots of open water tomorrow.” 

“Speaking of apen water,” Mather 
‚ “1 opened those letters today. Lu- 
jays you have to get your stuff. She 
5 he won't hit you again.” 
Barbara Ann, Mother,” I said. “And 
I wish you wouldn't open my mail." 

“If wishes were pennies we'd all be 
rich. I stacked them back in the same 
order. Don't you think you should an- 
swer at least one?" 

“I need my rest,” I said. “We goafier 
basking seals tomorrow. We stalk them 
across the ice." 
guns?" 
ith clubs. You know I hate guns." 

"That's even worse.” 

"They're not real, Mother." 

“The clubs or the seals?" 

"Both. None of it is real. It's Direct 
Experience." 

"My $899 is real." 

. 


I was one of the first ones into the 
Departure Hall the next morning. I 
took off my clothes and sat down on 
the bench to wait for the attendant. I 
watched the other guys file in, mostly 
wearing parkas or safari outfits. Their 
attendants had them in their drawers 
by 8:58. 

At 9:14 БЫ Shoes showed up. 
“What's the delay?" I asked. 

“Bug in the system,” he said. “But 
we're getting it.” He was sticking the 

(continued on page 150) 


“I see you've noticed my trophies!” 


117 


p ssport 8 


Romance 


be bold this summer and embark on an 
unusual—and sexy—adventure 


If you’ve been everywhere and bought 
the T-shirts, too, get set for some sur- 
prises. Summer travel trends in 1996 
probably won't include a carbon copy 
of your neighbor’s week in Orlando. 
Cruise ships, for example, used to be 
synonymous with love boats that were 
the size of small towns—and just as 
predictable. No more. The newest 
ships of summer are small, luxurious 
and so romantic that you may choose 
not to set foot on shore. One Italian- 
registered line, Silversea, has two new 


ships, the Silver Cloud and the Silver 
Wind, sailing to some of the world’s 
most exotic ports. But it’s the intimate 
nature of a Silversea cruise that makes 
it unique. Each ship accommodates 
fewer than 300 passengers, making 
you feel as if you were a pampered 
guest aboard a private yacht. And the 
only kind of accommodations are 
suites, with 75 percent boasting pri- 
vate verandas. Silversea enforces a 
strict no-tipping policy, and all wines 
and spirits in your stateroom and in 


travel by DAVID STANDISH 


ILLUSTRATION BY VICTOR STABIN 


гъдтвот 


120 


the ship’s many bars, restaurants and 
salons are gratis. Prices range from 
about $3000 for a six-day Caribbean 
excursion to $95,000 (the two-bed- 
room Grand Suite rate) for an incredi. 
ble 65-day journey that embarks in Sin- 
gapore and ends in Copenhagen by 
way of Thailand, Sri Lanka, India, 
Egypt, Israel, Turkey, Greece, Spain, 
France and Germany. (The same cruise 
is a paltry $36,250 if you opt for a Ve- 
randa Suite.) Prices are per person. 

Other terrific summer sailing can be 
enjoyed aboard Temptress Voyages 
ships that offer small, ecologically in- 
spired trips along the coast of Central 
America; on Sven-Olof Lindblad’s two 
70-passenger ships, which bring you 
up close and personal to humpback 
whales in the Sea of Cortés and to gla- 
ciers and sca lions in Alaska; and on 
Radissor's Song of Flower, a 172-pas- 
senger jewel with diverse European 
itineraries from April through October. 
You can view the aurora borealis from 
the deck of the MS Hanseatic, a luxuri- 
ous passenger ship that sails near the 
Arctic Circle from April through Sep- 
tember, cruising past the icebergs of 
Disko Bay in Greenland. 

Crewed canal boat charters, long a 
favorite holiday choice of Europeans, 
are rapidly being discovered by Ameri- 
cans who want to explore the 5000 
miles of waterways in France as well as 
the canals and lakes of Ireland, Hol- 
land and Britain. Most of the barges 
have the atmosphere of a quaint coun- 
try inn and some cater to special inter- 
ests, such as golf or horseback riding. 
And, yes, a chef is on board. Le Boat 
Inc. of Hackensack, New Jersey is con- 
sidered the premiere barge booker in 
the States. It describes one of its flag- 
ships as follows: 


Meanderer: Deluxe cabins, fine 
wine and excellent cuisine. Accom- 
modates six passengers in spacious 
style with a captain who loves golf. 


Le Boat can also plan special itiner- 
aries, designing a barge trip suited to 
your needs. 


ADVENTUROLS SPIRITS 


Adventure travelis the hot way to get 
away these days, with hundreds of. 
companies organizing trips to test your 
endurance and grit. 

Playing a round of golf may not seem 
like living on the edge, for example— 
unless, of course, you do itat the North 
Pole. Accessible Isolation Holidays in 
West Sussex, England can hook you up 
with a group of duffers this summer for 
an eight-day tournament in each of the 
five sectors at the Roof of the World— 
Canada, Greenland, Norway, Russia 
and the U.S. En route to the polar ice 
sheet, you'll visit Inuit communities at 


Grise Fjord and Resolute as well as oth- 
er outcamps. This is your chance to get 
your name in The Guinness Book of 
World Records for the Most Northern 
Hole in One or the Most Northern 
Birdie. The price: about $6800. 

The same company will also send 
you sea kayaking off Port McNeill, 
Canada, which sounds sedate until you 
learn that you'll be paddling alongside 
killer whales. Or how about swimming 
with sharks? Exmouth Dive Centre in 
Australia will take you to the Ningaloo 
Reef for a five-day frolic with whale 
sharks. “Гус never experienced such 
fear, emotion and fascination all at the 
same time. The adrenaline was over- 
whelming,” said one former partici- 
pant. By the way, the huge whale shark 
dines on plankton and krill, so you 
won't be spending $1200 to be fish bait. 

Of course, even great white sharks 
would be a wimpy challenge to cave 
divers. Considered by many to be the 
most dangerous sport in the world, 
cave diving has less to do with ob- 
serving marine life than it does with 
navigating spectacular but potentially 
deadly surroundings. If you're up to 
the challenge (which means having at 
least 50 regular dives under your belt), 
we suggest heading to the Yucatan, 
where Mike Madden's Cedan Dive 
Center will take you on tours of under- 
water caves in the Puerto Adven- 
turas-Tulum area. Be prepared for 
chilly water and amazing sights, includ- 
ing giant flowstones that rise up like 
Egyptian columns and stalactites that 
hang like daggers from cavern ceilings. 
One minute into this dive and you'll 
understand why Mayans believed these 
caves were home to the gods. 

Fortunately, you don't have to be a 
certified diver to get a feel for the Yu- 
catán's caves. Just sign up for the Indi- 
ana Jones Jungle Adventure, a day trip 
that begins with a one-and-a-half-mile 
Jungle trek to a local family’s ranch. Af- 
ter a quick tour of the grounds, you'll 
enjoy guided snorkeling at the nearby 
Nohoch Nah Chich Cave System—27 
miles of underwater caverns that lead 
to the Caribbean Sea. 

There are plenty of other places to 
appreciate the rugged wild with mini- 
mal risk. 

Ecuador is considered one of the 
world’s great travel secrets. It is inex- 
pensive and packs into an area the size 
of Colorado everything from the Ama- 
zon jungle to the snowy Andes, where 
wild horses run in mountain meadows 
and condors cruise overhead. For local 
flavor, check out Quito, a splendid 
Spanish colonial city situated on the 
equator in a valley ringed by snow-cov- 
ered volcanoes. And for jungle lovers, 
Ecuador has several standout lodges, 
including La Selva, an American- 


owned deluxe resort so environmental- 
ly rich that it’s visited frequently by sci- 
entists and serious bird-watchers. 

Another summer favorite of ours is 
Iceland. Traveling there is like taking 
Geology 101 all over again. Iceland's 
volcanoes are so active that all of Reyk- 
Javik is heated geothermally. The land- 
scape is beyond dramatic, with gey- 
sers, waterfalls that make Niagara look 
puny, glaciers, fjords and lava fields so 
rugged that astronauts trained there 
before going to the moon. Green sum- 
mer meadows such as those in Ireland 
are dotted with wildflowers and sheep, 
both of which outnumber people. 

The best time to visit Iceland is in Ju- 
ly and August, and the best way ison a 
camping tour. One rocky campsite in 
the central mountains near a glacier 
has been nicknamed the Lunar Hilton. 
But the blanket of color that results as 
the sun sets over this remarkable land- 
scape (at two in the morning) makes 
the hard, lumpy nights sleep worth it. 
Likewise, the beauty of the island 
women makes you wish they all could 
be Iceland girls. 


SPORTING LIFE 


People who like to combine vacations 
with challenging athletic activities also 
have great travel choices. 

Argentina offers some of the best ad- 
vanced skiing in the western hemi- 
sphere. Because its winter season is 
the mirror-opposite of ours, consider 
packing your snowboard and skis and 
heading there for the first summer 
snowfall. 

Bariloche in Patagonia, near the tip 
of South America, is a good starting 
point. The land of Butch Cassidy and 
the Sundance Kid is South America’s 
largest ski town, with an Austrian-style 
culture courtesy of early Austrian, 
Swiss and German settlers. Stay at the 
Hotel Pire-Hue at the base of Gran 
Catedral Ski Resort or check out the 
Llao Llao (pronounced zow zow), an 
extravagant resort hotel 16 miles from 
Bariloche witha spectacular view of the 
Andes and Lake Nahuel Huapi. Then 
move on to the small ski area of Cerro 
Bayo in the resort town of Villa La An- 
gostura. Lift tickets cost a mere $16 
and the views from the Bahia Man- 
zano, a rustic yet exquisitely appointed 
hotel, are breathtaking. To wind down 
your South American ski trip, stop at 
Chapelco, a mountain with plenty of 
novice and intermediate trails and 
well-spaced trees. 

If you prefer to bask in the warmth 
of summer, a bicycle tour is an exhila- 
rating option. Backroads Bicycle Tour- 
ing of Berkeley, California, one of the 
nation’s top tour operators, organizes 
four- to 15-day trips to destinations 

(concluded on page 166) 


Helmut Newton is no stranger to the pages of PLAYBOY. His 
compelling, sexually charged photographs prove him the 
master of the edgier outreaches of the erotic. Case in point: 
his August 1977 interpretation of Madame Claude, the soft- 


PLAYBOY GALLERY 


core brothel fantasy from director Just (Emmanuelle) Jaeckin. 
Employing two French models, a well-appointed drawing 
room and a gentleman who obviously knows what he likes, 
Newton perfectly captured the sensual energy of the film. 


1 


1 


122 


HE’S EITHER A BLOWHARD IN BUCKSKIN OR THE BEST 
TRIAL LAWYER AROUND. YOU BE- THE JUDGE 


GERRY SPENCE 
Buckaroo BarrisícR 


IN LATE August 1992, Randy Weaver was holed 
up in his shack on Ruby Ridge, a rocky bluff in 
the mountains of northern Idaho. His wife's 
body had been rotting at his feet for a week, ever 
since an FBI sniper shot her through the face as 
she held their infant daughter. His 14-year-old 
son, also killed by a federal agent, lay lifeless in 
the barn. Weaver, a white separatist under siege 
for violating gun laws, had taken a bullet in the 
shoulder. Hundreds of FBI agents and other 
lawmen surrounded the cabin. Weaver pre- 
pared to die. 

Bo Gritz, a burly and bearded leader among 
survivalists, volunteered to negotiate Weaver's 
surrender. He made it to the Ruby Ridge cabin, 
fought off the stench of the rotting body and 
huddled with Weaver. Weaver wanted to walk 
out alive with his surviving teenage daughter 
and the baby. And he wanted a good lawyer. 

“Maybe 1 can get Gerry Spence to represent 
you," Gritz said. 

"Who's Gerry Spence?" Weaver asked. 

Gritz explained that Spence is one of the best 
criminal defense lawyers in the country, a tower- 
ing mountain man who wears a buckskin jacket 
to court and wins big cases for the little guys. 
Weaver was not impressed. Gritz searched for 
something else to say, something that might con- 
vince Weaver. “Spence,” Gritz said, “is the man 
who defended Imelda Marcos 

“Imelda Marcos,” Weaver said. “He must be 
big stuff.” 

Gerry Spence was in his baronial log mansion 
in Jackson Hole, Wyoming when Gritz called. 
He didn't know Gritz and had never heard of 
Randy Weaver or Ruby Ridge. Gritz described 
the gory scene. “Weaver will surrender if you'll 
represent him,” Gritz said. 

“I can't represent someone I've never met," 
Spence shot back. He did, however, agree to talk 
with him. That was enough for 
Weaver, and he walked out 
with his hands up. 

Spence flew to Idaho that 
night and interviewed Weaver 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


makings of a classic Spence crusade: The rest of 
the country saw Weaver as a nut from the white- 
militia lunatic fringe, but to Spence this was yet 
another example of big government ganging up 
ona little guy. Spence loves defending "ordinary 
people" against big corporations, big govern- 
ment or the "one-eyed media." The national 
spotlight was beaming on Ruby Ridge, and it 
would cast its glow on Gerry Spence. 

On April 13, 1994 Randy Weaver walked into 
a Boise, Idaho courtroom with Spence leading 
his defense. Weaver faced charges of murdering 
a U.S. marshal during the siege, conspiracy, 
assaulting federal agents and selling illegal 
weapons. His guilt was a foregone conclusion 
and a conviction vasa mere formality. But for the 
next 42 days Spence showcased the courtroom 
tactics and dramatics that have enshrined him as 
perhaps the most brilliant litigator of his time. 

The government prosecutors vilified Wea- 
ver—a short, meek-looking man—as a crazed 
zealot bent on bringing down the federal gov- 
ernment. They linked him to the Aryan Nation's 
white supremacist militia. They dumped his 
cache of rifles and pistols in front of the jury box 
to prove how dangerous he was. They described 
how deputy U.S. Marshal William Degan was 
shot dead in the skirmish on Ruby Ridge. Then 
they rested their case, leaving the stage for Ger- 
ry Spence. 

Resplendent in his rawhide, Spence zeroed in 
on the bloody siege and focused the 12 members 
of the jury on one question: Who was the real 
murderer? Pacing back and forth in the court- 
room, Spence told the jurors in plain language 
how the Weavers tried to live a simple and 
peaceful life in the mountains. The villains in his 
version of the story were the FBI crack shooters 
who killed Weaver's wife and son in cold blood. 
He called the agents to the stand. 

“Well,” Spence asked FBI 
agent Richard Rogers, head of 
the elite unit at Ruby Ridge, 
“did you know of anybody 
then, and do you know of any- 


in jail. The case had ап he DY Harry Jaffe body (continued on page 126) 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LEVINE 


SPRING PREVIEW 


PLANING 
| 


cigar smoking’s 


rapid rise has 
led to the 


reinvention 


of fire 


ost cigarette lighters just don't do 
the job when it comes to firing up 
robustos, Churchills and pyro- 
mids—three of today’s most pop- 
ular cigar shopes. These thicker 
smokes demand broader fire, which is 


why manufacturers have created a new 
breed of lighter that delivers a wider 
flame. At near right is Dunhill's Unique 


cigar lighter, available in silver plate, 
gold plate (shown, about $415) and gold 
with silver. Next to it is the Quantum ci- 
gar lighter with an unusual flip top, by 
Colibri ($125). At far right, the Macassar 
is made of lacquered tropical wood, by 
S.T. Dupont (5575). Our Bunny brings a spark 
ta the night with a Double Corona cigor 
lighter by Savinelli ($225). Fire “ет up. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
RICHARD FEGLEY 


WHERE & HOW/TO BUY ON PAGE 155. 


PLAYBOY 


126 


GERRY SPENCE continue jron page 122) 


“You step out on my porch and it’s absolutely silent,” 
Spence says. “Except when I hear the goddamn fax.” 


now, as you sit here today, who saw Mr. 
Weaver shoot anybody?" 

“No,” answered Rogers. 

Spence asked if anyone had seen 
Randy Weaver point a gun at anyone. 
Rogers said no. 

Spence then called Lon Horiuchi, 
the FBI sniper who shot Vicki Weaver 
as she held her baby, Elisheba. 

“Did you fire a warning shot?” 
Spence asked. 

“Sir, we do not fire warning shots in 
the FBI. 

“Well, if you do shoot at someone,” 
Spence asked, “you shoot to kill, don’t 

гоц?” 

“Yes, sir,” Horiuchi responded. 

“Do you enjoy your job?” Spence 
asked a minute later. 

“Yes,” Horiuchi answered. 

Spence paused and looked at the ju- 
rors. Dorothy Mitchell, sitting in the ju- 
ry box, shuddered. “That was hard for 
me to take,” she told a Washington Post 
reporter, “He was just coldhearted.” 

“This is a murder case,” Spence 
boomed to the jurors during his clos- 
ing argument, “but the people who 
committed the murders have not been 
charged.” 

The jury acquitted Randy Weaver of 
murder and all other major charges. 
Spence also helped Weaver win a $3.1 
million award from the government. 
In September 1995 Weaver testified 
before nationally televised Senate hear- 
ings that focused on the Ruby Ridge 
siege and slammed the FBI. Spence, 
once again resplendent in rawhide, 
played the hero. 

It's a role he loves. Spence has writ- 
ten six books and has won dozens of 
celebrated cases. (A good example is 
the $10 million verdict he gained in 
Karen Silkwood's plutonium contami- 
nation case against Kerr-McGee.) But 
the Ruby Ridge case and the O.]. Simp- 
son trial put Spence over the top. NBC 
hired him as a Simpson trial consultant 
and Larry King named him to his 
dream team of commentators who tus- 
sled over O.J. every week. CNBC as- 
signed him a weekly talk show, putting 
him in the Geraldo Rivera orbit. His 
latest book, How to Argue and Win Every 
Time, is a best-seller. He went to Presi- 
dent Clinton’s birthday party last sum- 
mer in Jackson Hole, and he showed 
up at a White House Correspondents 
Dinner in Washington. Everyone else 
wore black tie. Spence, of course, wore 
black buckskin. 


“I think he's a corny figure,” says 
Washington Post television critic Tom 
Shales. “That ridiculous buckskin jack- 
et reeks of a calculated way of distin- 
guishing himself from all the other 
lawyers on TV. There's a line between 
the law and showbiz. He crossed it 
some time ago.” 

‘That line grows fuzzier by the day. 
Major trials are becoming the moral 
dramas that define American values. 
The Simpson case was about murder, 
spouse abuse and race. Randy Wea- 
ver's trial raised fundamental ques- 
tions about the government's abuse of 
force. The Menendez case was a tale of 
greed and parenticide. William Ken- 
nedy Smith’s trial was about upper- 
class гаре and Mike Tyson's was about 
lower-class rape. Susan Smith makes us 
wonder how a mother could drown her 
two sons. 

Who will interpret the issues raised 
in these cases? Gerry Spence will. He 
has volunteered to be a wise man for 
hire at a time when America seems ter- 
ribly confused. But Spence can be con- 
fusing as well: Is he a TV personality, 
a writer, an egomaniacal huckster, a 
philosopher or—as Harvard law pro- 
fessor Alan Dershowitz calls him—a 
propher? 

е 


To get to Spence's log castle in Jack- 
son Hole, you take a winding two-lane 
road out ofthe small town of Wilson at 
the foot of Teton Pass. His driveway 
snakes up a hill through a stand of as- 
pens. He has named his spread Singing 
“Trees. The house sits in a small mead- 
ow cut into the mountains. To the 
north the jagged peaks of the Tetons 
hit you in the face. 

‘The man who opens the heavy door 
is wearing a frumpy red cardigan 
sweater. The gray workout pants are 
baggy and have a few holes. His toes 
peek out of old running shoes. He is 
tall and bearish. His shoulders are 
rounded and a bit hunched. His gait is 
stiff, his white hair shaggy, his cheeks 
ashen. He sticks out a hand and his 
blue eyes sparkle, a bit worn but 
friendly. 

“Gerry Spence,” he says. 

Although he doesn't look like the 
same Gerry Spence who dominates the 
courtroom, he has many faces—and 
the one around the house apparently is 
that ofa comfy codger. 

"Today, Spence is in his writer mode. 


He is 14 chapters into his memoirs, The 
Making of a Country Lawyer. Its his sev- 
enth book, and like the others, it's 
mostly about himself. 

I look around at the wilderness and 
try to imagine Johnnie Cochran or Roy 
Black living in such a remote locale. 
“Why,” I ask him, “did you choose the 
mountains?” 

“Why does the guru, the wise man, 
live on the mountain?” he responds. 
та not suggesting Г a wise man. 
I'm suggesting there's a value to being 
separate in the extreme. There's an 
underlying wisdom in mother nature. 
There's a sort of sanity that can be 
gained here.” 

By now we've climbed two flights of 
stairs to his study. 

“You step out on my porch and 
it's absolutely silent,” he says. “Ex- 
cept when I hear the goddamn fax 
machine.” 

On the way up the stairs I had 
caught a glimpse of the cavernous liv- 
ing room and the chandelier made of 
moose antlers. His home, designed by 
his wife, Imaging, is medieval in scale 
but hobbitlike in design, topped by tur- 
rets and adorned with octagonal win- 
dows. It’s built with massive tree trunks 
and big boulders, as if it were made for 
a giant. In Spence's book-lined study 
there are American Indian totems that 
are carved out of wood, buffalo skulls 
hanging on the stone fireplace, a .50- 
caliber buffalo rifle slung on the stones, 
a grainy photo of a cattle drive and 
photos of his parents on the walls. 
Pieces of his past are all around. 

As we talk, Spence rages and preach- 
es, lectures and argues. But he begins 
with a few words about the Simpson 
trial that made him a TV all-star. 

“It's a watershed case in this coun- 
try," he says. “In a way it's as important 
to this nation as the Civil War. We may 
be on the brink of a new kind of civ- 
il war.” 

He warms to the subject, leans to- 
ward me so that our knees are almost 
touching. His voice rises in volume, 
deepens in pitch. This is Spence the 
thespian lawyer. 

“And so,” he says, pausing for effect, 
"it means that there's massive almost- 
unanimity within the black community, 
which feels it is banished from the 
white power structure.” 

It's a note that Spence struck often 
during the endless hours of television 
rehashes of the Simpson case. He 
doesn't like the white power structure, 
even though it made him. But he uses 
it, and he's a member in good stand- 
ing. Beneath the brilliant attorney and 
the homespun facade, Spence is an an- 
gry, radical populist. 

“You seem to have a lot of rage,” I say. 

(continued on page 167) 


“Not tonight. Pue got the blues.” 


127 


1 Netscape: Playboy Homi 
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Go To: http://www playboy „сега 


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PLAYBOY 


138 


BUCH A N A N (continued from page 76) 


“I don't consider Kuwait a country. I consider it an 
oil company with a seat at the United Nations.” 


Wall Street bankers, and there will be 
no more $50 billion bailouts of third 
world socialists who live in Moscow or 
Mexico City.” 

Buchanan attacks Colin Powell for 
abandoning the party on affirmative 
action, gun control, abortion and 
prayer in school. He calls Powell's sup- 
porters “infantile.” 

In person Buchanan is congenial, 
exceptionally polite and willing to lis- 
ten. How can this be the same man who 
brutally offends millions of Americans 
with his divisive, derisive rhetoric? Re- 
member his now-famous analysis of the 
AIDS epidemic? “The sexual revolu- 
tion has begun to devour its children. 
The poor homosexuals—they have de- 
clared war on nature, and now nature 
is exacting an awful retribution.” 

How long can this rogue stay in the 
Republican armada? Buchanan relish- 
es the idea of a head-on collision. 
When asked about his conflicts with 
pro-choice Republicans (who, accord- 
ing to polls, amount to two thirds of the 
party) Buchanan said, “When that 
crowd comes to the San Diego conven- 
tion and comes in to tear the right-to- 
life plank out of the Republican plat- 
form, it is going to have to come over 
Pat Buchanan. And I don't think it can 
do that.” 

“We have to begin by understanding 
that there is no prospect of Buchanan's 
upsetting Bush for the nomination,” 
noted William F Buckley in 1999. 
“Therefore he enjoys the maximum 
luxury of any candidate whose designs 
are for something other than victory.” 

That's true for the 1996 campaign as 
well. Now that his political career has 
eclipsed his role as CNN’s domesticat- 
ed pit bull, Buchanan's true intentions 
are as shadowy as those of any other 
professional politician. Since his days 
with Richard Nixon he has thrived as 
the Republican party's good-humored 
hatchet man. Will he now rebel like a 
renegade soldier and bomb the institu- 
tion thar trained him? If the Republi- 
can hierarchy still believes that Bu- 
chanan's 1992 convention speech was a 
once-in-a-lifetime nightmare, it must 
have left before the end of it, when he 
promised, “We'll be back in 96.” 

. 


Along with Mike, Lee and Shaun, I 
am assigned to the advance squad. 
From six AM. to ten PM. our life is dedi- 
cated to Buchanan. If we stop to eat, 


it's a Big Mac. As advance men our job 
is to stay one stop ahead of Buchanan, 
preparing the way for each day's 16- 
hour schedule. We hammer signposts 
for miles leading up to Buchanan's 
events, hang banners from a railroad 
trestle and scout out a gymnasium— 
where studentsare wearing red ribbons 
to show their fidelity to the antidrug 
crusade—for a major campaign event. 

We examine the podium, the elec- 
tricity, the microphone. Everything is 
in order. As the supporters filter in, 
Shaun and I pass out literature and 
gossip with the crowd. 

"I am so scared," says Diane, a 
woman wearing a GO PAT GO hat. Her 
eyes well up with the fear and hope of 
a true believer. I have seen this face 
several times now. Concerned, scared 
and unable to pinpoint the cause of 
America's spiritual malaise, Diane ac- 
cepts Buchanan's enemies list as the 
most plausible. ^I think our enemies 
are about to take over the country." 

“It doesn't look too good," 1 agree. 

“I really think that they'll throw me 
in the gas chamber, probably right af- 
ter they get Pat,” Diane says, shaking 
her head hopelessly. “I stay awake at 
night worrying about all this.” 

I meet James, a contractor eagerly 
awaiting Buchanan. His hands are sav- 
aged and scarred by decades of manu- 
al labor, but his clothes are neat and 
clean. “Pat is the epitome of truth. 
Everything he says is true,” he tells me. 
As evidence he cites Rush Limbaugh. 
“America is like one of those colonial 
houses you keep adding to until you no 
longer have the essence of what you be- 
gan with,” James explains. “If you take 
out too many support beams, the 
whole house is compromised. That's 
what is happening in America.” 

James and 1 talk about Pat's devotion 
to the conservative cause and work 
ourselves into a lovefest of accolades 
that ends only when James scribbles off 
a $300 check. “Here, give this to Pat. 
I'd give every last dime if I thought it 
would guarantee Pat Buchanan was 
elected.” 

Buchanan is late so Lee and I decide 
to leave and put up a last few signs. Lee 
is dressed sharp, in a dark blue suitand 
tie. Standing outside the campaign's 
rented Ford Ranger pickup, I joke 
about his tailored suit. It's the color 
and style of those worn by guys who 
talk into their cuff links when the pres- 
ident comes to town. “It looks like 


you're working security today.” 

Lee whispers, “Listen, can you keep 
a secret?” 

I think he is going to tell me about a 
secret opposition to Buchanan, some 
extremist group plotting on the fringes 
of the Christian right. I lean forward to 
hear him out. 

Lee twirls his hand behind his back 
and brings out a huge black pistol. "I'm 
not a great shot, but good enough— 
and I'll return fire.” 

“ГІ get behind you when the shoot- 
ing starts,” I say. 

“Better not, that’s the last place you 
want to be. Oh, keep this quiet, I don't 
think Peter even knows about this.” He 
looks repentant, as if he hadn't meant 
to share his Secret Service fantasy. 

е 


I drive slowly along Route 1 in 
Portsmouth, stopping to take notes as I 
listen to Buchanan on a local talk show. 
His voice has the practiced cadences of 
a preacher’s. "The people have to be 
reconverted,” declares Buchanan. “If 
citizens would abide by biblical truths 
all these problems could be solved.” 

Like a journeyed storyteller, Bu- 
chanan draws out the suspense and is 
the first to laugh at his own jokes. “I 
don’t consider Kuwait a country,” he 
says. "I consider it an oil company with 
a seat at the United Nations.” 

One caller asks about potential vi- 
olence from militia survivalists. Bu- 
chanan flips the question and warns, 
“The Crips and Bloods are spreading 
prostitution and drugs into small com- 
munities across the nation.” Respond- 
ing to a question about nuclear waste 
and an Indian tribe's refusal to let the 
waste pass through its territory, Bu- 
chanan declares, “With due respect to 
the Indians, they lost the war.” 

Pulling into a Rotary Club parking 
lot, I see a man with two notepads. He 
is sullen, serious and foreboding. He 
has been sent to be—as Shaun says— 
“the eyes and ears of national for a 
day.” The national campaign is man- 
aged by Pat's sister, Angela “Bay” Bu- 
chanan, who looks and sounds like her 
brother stuffed into a dress. As the 
brains behind the campaign, she is 
wary of her brother's high jinks and 
regularly sends observers to New 
Hampshire. 

Today is a key day for Buchanan's 
New Hampshire team. An eight-per- 
son film crew has been commissioned 
to produce television commercials for 
the campaign. The crew will film ten 
hours of Pat and distill them into four 
30-second spots. Leading the film crew 
is a man from Massachusetts named 
Jay, who drives a Jaguar and claims to 
have filmed “200 campaigns in seven 

(continued on page 158) 


“What extras?” 


IR-THE-TOP 
ONI 


AIS SUMMER'S DIGITAL WONDERS 


SPRING PREVIEW 


IGGER isn’t necessarily better in 
H life—or in home electronics, as 

evidenced by a growing lineup 
of products designed to do more yet be 
far less obtrusive. The latest television 
sets, for example, are loaded with great 
new features, including split-screen 
picture-and-picture, which lets you 
watch two identically sized shows si- 
multaneously. And while screen sizes 
have reached near-Multiplex propor- 
tions, the sets themselves take up less 
space, thanks to shrinking picture tubes 
and technology that will soon make it 
possible to hang a 40-inch TV on the 
wall. Other signs that less is more this 
spring include the introduction of 


pocket-size digital camcorders that can 
easily be linked to a TV set, computer 
or printer; multimedia notebook com- 
puters that rival desktop models; and 
small, stylish stereo systems for apart- 
ments where space is at a premium yet 
great sound is a must. 

Nobody does a disappearing act bet- 
ter than Bose, with its new $2500 
Lifestyle 20 music system. A compact 
200-watt subwoofer with amp can be 
tucked under a table or in a corner, and 
the pint-size double-cube satellite speak- 
ers virtually float in space on optional 
wall brackets. The Lifestyle 20's hand- 
some, aluminum-clad music center is 
hardly (text continued on page 163) 


Left: One of a new generation of digital camcorders, Sony's DCR-VX700 records 
images at 500 lines of resolution on to matchbook-size digital cassettes. It also 
features 20X zoom, technology that eliminates the shakes, a color viewfinder and 
automatic and manual controls (about $3000). Below: Gateway 2000's Solo line of 
multimedia notebook computers combine 75- to 120-megahertz Pentium proces- 
sors, supercepecity storage and interchangeable quad-speed CD-ROM and 3.5" 
floppy drives. Prices range from $3300 to $5900, depending on configuration. 


——— 


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Far left, top: A 16-bit double- 
duty video game system, Sega's 
Nomad features a 3%” color 
monitor for playing Genesis 
titles on the go as well asa 
video connection and two con- 
troller ports that allow you to 
hook up the machine to your TV 
for large-screen action, about 
$180. Near left, top: Mission 
Electronics" M-time combines a 
Dolby Pro Logic Surround de- 
«oder, multichannel 
amplification, a center channel 
speaker and dual subwoofers 
in en elegant console large 
enough to support a 35-inch TV 
(about $4000). It also provides 
space for video sources, such as 
RCA's VR678HF VCR ($500, pic- 
tured). This model with cable- 
box control includes Commer- 
cial Advance, which 
automatically fast-forwards 
through commercial breaks 
during playback. Bottom left: 
Bose's sleek 200-watt Lifestyle. 
20 Music System ($2500) in- 
cludes two double-cube speak- 
ers, a radio-frequency remote 
and the brushed-cluminum 
music center in the foreground, 
which houses a six-disc CD 
changer and a tuner plus two 
video inputs. Right: Picture- 
and-picture, a hot new TV func- 
tion that allows you to watch 
two programs simultaneously, 
is found on Sony’s KV-32XBR85 
($2200). Stored in the 32-inch 
зеге console is Sony's SAS- 
ADI, a Direct Satellite System 
receiver with multiroom capa- 
bilities. The price: about $950. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155. 


MICHAEL MADSEN 


ichael Madsen can easily look like a 

thug. The 37-year-old actor (and 
brother of actress Virginia Madsen) has cer- 
tainly played his share—from the ominous 
Mr. Blond in “Reservoir Dogs” to the haz- 
ardous Rudy in the 1994 remake of “The 
Getaway.” But Madsen has a softer, intro- 
spective side as well. He showed those quali- 
ties as the father in “Free Willy,” and as Su- 
san Sarandon's boyfriend, Jimmy, in “Thelma 
& Louise.” Those are his better-known roles. 
There have been 25 others, some juicy, some 
straight to video. And he’s written a recently 
published book of neo-Bukouski poetry titled 
“Beer, Blood and Ashes.” 

When Contributing Editor David Rensin 
went to the actor's beach house for this inter- 
view, he found that most of his screen-in- 
spired impressions melied away, leaving “a 
big guy who watches you while you try to get 
as deep inside his head as he'll allow. One 
moment he's a greaser with a heart; the next, 
you get that don't-fuck-with-me look. Either 
way, you hope you don't make a wrong 
move." Says Rensin, “Madsen answered the 
door shirtless, clutching a sleeping baby to 
his chest. We walked down a flight of steps to 
his living room where, despite my stated pref- 
erence for juice or water, he insisted I have a 
beer. OK, I'd never had a Red Dog. Then he 
told me we were taking a ride. Madsen 
changed clothes and led me into the garage. 
There was the prettiest 1967 Vette ГА seen in 
a long time. He popped the hood and we 
talked engine specs. Then he opened the door 
and said, ‘Get in." 

“When we reached the Pacific Coast 
Highway, Madsen turned right—and then 
floored it. He took it through every gear in 
about ten seconds. All I could do was hold 
оп and hope we didn’t roll over. Later, we sat 
on the beach and talked. He sipped broun 

Tok liquor and I had 
the thinking my beer. We both 
lit up unfiltered 


man’s tough Camels. We were 
guyonthe en 
enduring E 
allure of о 
tattoos, jen- passed some sort 


of test, said, 1 
can't believe you 


nifer tilly and er 
the shark- " 
skin suit 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY MICHAEL GRECCO. 


PLAYBOY: In Res- 
ervoir Dogs the 
most gruesome 
part to watch of 


Mr: Blond's big torture scene was when 
he cut off the cop's ear. What was the 
toughest part to do? 

MADSEN: I had a hard time with the cop 
saying, “I've got a kid.” That wasn't in 
the script. That came out in a re- 
hearsal. We were up in this warehouse 
doing improvs, trying to figure out 
how to play that whole scene. The cop 
was in the chair. I had the lighter and I 
was going to light him up. He said, 
“Don't burn me! Don't burn me! Гуе 
got a kid!" I said, "Wait a minute, wait 
a minute, wait a minute." Then I 
turned to Quentin Tarantino and s 
“Quentin, I’m not going to do that. He 
can't say that. Don't let him say that be- 
cause I cannot fucking torch him after 
he says that го me. If he says that to me 
I ain't gonna light him on fire.” And 
Quentin says, "No, no, I think it's 
great! I think it's wonderful! It brings 
a whole new element to it!" I said, 
“Quentin, maybe it does, but it’s not 
the element that you wrote, man, OK? 
It'sa thing that you've now come to be- 
cause this actor has ad-libbed. And it 
changes it for me. It makes Mr. Blond 
into something else, and I don't want 
to go that way.” Would Mr. Blond have 
actually torched him? It’s like when 
Jimmy Cagney goes to the electric 
chair in Angels With Dirty Faces. Pat 
O'Brien comes to him and says, “I want 
you to turn yellow in the chair for the 
boys, because they think you're a big 
fucking hero." So here goes Rocky Sul- 
livan down the hall. He punches the 
cop and he’s like, “Yeah! Yeah!" He sits 
in the chair, they strap him in. You see 
the shadow on the wall, All of a sudden 
he says, “I don't wanna die! I don't 
wanna die! Oh my God! Oh no! No!” 
and it stops when the switch is pulled. 
It gives me a fucking chill up my spine. 
You never will know if he was fucking 
scared or if he did it for those boys. I 
like to think he did it for the boys. 


22 


PLAYBOY: Are you happy making mov- 
ies in the Nineties, or does another era 
hold more appeal for you? 

MADSEN: I grew up watching Burt Lan- 
caster, Kirk Douglas and Robert 
Mitchum—The Rose Tattoo, Lonely Are 
the Brave and Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison. 
I wish that I had been part of a studio 
system where actors were nurtured 
and brought along. Bogart made 40 
films before he did High Sierra. I don't 
know if that's possible today. Now it's 
so hard just to get in. A lot of young ac- 


tors don't realize how hard it is, or 
know the tenacity it takes, to not give 
up. Shit, I'm the son of a fireman from 
Chicago. 1 started from fucking no- 
where. Today, you get the head shots 
and the agents and the acting schools. 
All these young actors are preyed up- 
on by all of this stuff when they get 
off the bus. I read a lot of biographies: 
those of Spencer Tracy, Clark Gable, 
Errol Flynn, Jimmy Cagney. Most of 
them never went to acting school a day 
in their lives. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: Your former wife's name is 
tattooed on your arm. Did you think 
your marriage would last forever? Are 
you a candidate for laser removal? 

MADSEN: A tattoo is something that 
seems like a good idea at the time. I 
think of tattoos as scars more than as 
pictures, It's a picture in your flesh that 
represents a certain point of your life. I 
don't see the point in removing them. 
Mine are 14 years old. I might cover 
them up with something that’s easier to 
look at—ocean waves, a Vargas girl— 
but taking them off is stupid, My advice 
is, don't get any tattoos. Why? So one 
day you don't have to answer questions 
about them [laughs]. A lot of my bud- 
dies got "ет. Some of them are good, 
some of them are bad. You have to 
have nice work. You have to think 
about it. You don't want to let some 
hack carve it into your skin. And you 
had better like what you get. It’s a fun- 
ny thing, a tattoo. It's painful. It hurts 
to get the damn things. But I mean, 
what doesn't? Tattoos are the least of it. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Your latest movie is Mulhol- 
land Falls. Which of your previous films 
are worth remembering? 

MADSEN: There are only four decent 
ones: Kill Me Again, Reservoir Dogs, 
Thelma & Louise and The Getaway. 1ts 
been very hard for me because I'm 
very bad at auditioning. I really can't 
Sit down in a room and read for a pan- 
el of people. It doesn’t seem to make 
any sense. It's so far removed from 
what you actually do in a movie that I 
don't know how to do it in a room. I 
once had an audition where 1 was sup- 
posed to be some kind of bad guy. The 
casting director kept saying, "You've 
gotta be angry here. You've got to show 
me some anger. You've got to show me 
some aggression.” I kept trying to get 
there and she just kept shaking her 


PLAYBOY 


head. Then she said, “Let me pretend 
like Um the other character,” and 1 said, 
“OK, I can do that.” She read the other 
lines and I started to try to play the 
scene. At one point I picked up the chair 
that I had been sitting in and threw it 
across the room. That busted the chair. 
She got very upset and stopped the 
whole thing. She said, “You're crazy! 
You're not an actor. You're destroying 
property!" I said, “What? I thought we 
were playing a scene here. It wasn’t my 
intention to destroy your office, but if 
you want to take me to that place, if you 
want me to show anger, how can you 
now be upset by what I did?” I didn’t get 
the part. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: You've done plenty of killing 
on-screen. Have you saved lives offscreen? 
MADSEN: No. But when I was a little boy, 
my father pulled over on the freeway be- 
cause a guy on a motorcycle had been hit 
by a car and was lying in the middle of 
the road. Everybody was going by. When 
my dad pulled over, another car did, too. 
My dad told the other driver to give him 
his shirt. Then my dad wrapped the 
shirt around the guy’s leg and made a 
tourniquet. His leg was almost complete- 
ly cut off. The ambulance came and took 
the injured guy away. About six months 
later, my father got a phone call from the 
guy. He said that they had saved his leg, 
that they had reattached it. That was a 
moment. My dad was a hero to me, an 
unsung hero. I watched my father carry 
children out of windows in burning 
buildings and bring them down a ladder. 
He never got any awards, but I don’t 
think he really wanted that. He didn't 
body to say, "Oh, that was won- 
He just did it because that was 
his job. I guess I'd like to think I could 
match that, or get close to that, someday. 
Do something that worthwhile. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: You worked with Alec Baldwin 
on The Getaway. Why will he always re- 
member you? 

MADSEN: I pulled out my dick in front of. 
him. There's a scene in the hotel in El 
Paso where Doc sticks his head out of the 
doorway and he sees me, Rudy, who has 
come to kill him, in the hall. I used to 
tease Alec about that. 1 said, "You know, 
did you ever see the way McQueen 
played that part? Remember the look on 
his face when he saw Rudy and Fran in 
the hallway?” Alec would say, “Oh, I 
don't want to hear about that.” I'd say, 
“No, no, no, it was great. He had all 
these different things going on. It was 
bewilderment and astonishment and ha- 
tred and all this shit, and it was all there 
on Steve's face.” Alec would say, “I don't 
want to hear about that.” When the day 
came for him to shoot that scene I said, 
“You want me to be off camera for you?” 


146 He says, “No, no, Mike, go in your trail- 


er. I'm all right. I can do this.” I said, 
“Oh, OK, whatever.” But I wanted to do 
something to fuck with him. So when he 
stuck his head out, I was standing on the 
other side of the camera, and I unzipped 
my fly and pulled out my dick! And all of 
a sudden his face looked just like Steve 
McQucen's. It was perfect. After they 
yelled “Cut” he let fly with some exple- 
tives. He didn't want the director, Roger 
Donaldson, to print it. He said, “Oh, 
don't print that one! We have to go 
again.” Roger said, “No, I liked that one, 
actually. I think we will print that.” 


th 


PLAYBOY: In The Getaway Jennifer Tilly 
played your girlfriend, Fran. How much 
fun was it to tell her exactly what to do 
and have her listen with enthusiasm? 
MADSEN: When I took the job I asked if 
Fran had been cast yet and they said no. 
I said, "Well, you should get Jennifer 
Tilly. She's Fran, let's face it." They 
weren't so sure. So they brought all these 
girls in to audition with me. They must 
have flown maybe ten actresses to Phoe- 
nix to audition. I did the off camera for 
all of them. It was the scene in the vet 
with Fran and her husband, Har- 
old. I had to know how far I could go 
with the actress because I didn't vant to 
be stuck on the set with somebody who 
was afraid of me or afraid of what I 
would do. So I got expressive, snapping 
bra straps, physical contact and other 
stuff, seeing if the actress could make 
herself available to a character like that 
without seeing the darkness and negativ- 
ity and horror of somebody like Rudy. 
She had to be attracted to Rudy. He was 
a sick fuck. None of the actresses could 
do it and I kept saying that Jennifer Tilly 
was the only one who could. Then I 
found out that they had already audi- 
tioned her. I said, "Do you have her on 
tape? Let me see the tape." They showed 
me her tape. I said, "What is wrong with 
you guys? Man, that's her." And I was 
right. Jennifer made herself very avail- 
able. When I hanged the cat on Harold 
in the bathroom, after he had hanged 
himself, she laughed and laughed. She 
thought it was a great idea. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: What do you plan to do when 
the thrill is gone? 

MADSEN: Race cars. I drove a Nascar at 
the Phoenix International Raceway 
when we were making The Getaway. 1 did 
four laps, averaging 165. I was invited to 
go to Richard Petty's driving school. 
They said they would sponsor me. When 
I was in high school, a lot of my friends 
and I used to build cars and race. I used 
to make $225 a week at Joe Jacobs" 
Chevrolet, and I'd spend all my money 
on my car. I had a 1968 Road Runner 
with a 440 engine and pistol-grip four- 
speed. Then I had a Chevelle 396 four- 
speed. That was my whole life. 1 thought 


I was going to be a big-time racing driv- 
er. I was also a big Mopar boy. I liked the 
Dodge. There was 2 1968 Charger, and 
then I had a Challenger. God, I think 
I've had about 30 cars. I have a 1957 
Chevy right now, the Stingray, a 1964 
Thunderbird convertible. And I've got a 
1977 Vette up in Montana, I love cars. 
Old cars. So if the acting thing didn't 
work out, I'd race fucking cars. 


di, 


PLAYBOY: When you were younger you 
did a little time. For what? Who would 
be the best Hollywood cellmate? 

MADSEN: It was juvenile shit. Stealing 
cars, robbery, that kind of shit. Birdman 
of Alcatraz probably describes jail best. A 
lot of movies romanticize prison, but 
there's nothing romantic about it. Mor- 
gan Freeman would be the ideal cell- 
mate. He strikes me as somebody who 
has inner dignity, and that's rare. I feel 
like I could talk to the man. He'd listen. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: You've called yourself a loner 
and said that you like it. What's so good 
about being your own man? 

MADSEN: Because we moved so many 
times I was forever the new kid on the 
block and the new kid in school. After a 
while I started to realize that having 
friends is overrated. All that social-inter- 
action stuff isn't what it's made out to be. 
People who hang out in cliques are 
deemed to be so special. In reality they 
don't have a lot to offer. Maybe I say that 
because I've just learned to live without 
it. 125 like Alan Ladd riding over the hill 
at the end of Shane. I'd like to think that 
most people who see him ride over the 
hill realize why that’s so important. I 
can't watch it without crying. It repre- 
sents loneliness and a oneness. He's ac- 
cepted himself for who he really is, and I 
think it's healthy. I'm not saying one 
should disregard his fellowman, because 
Shane certainly didn't disregard his fel- 
lowman. But there comesa time to move 
on. Even though the little boy is saying, 
"Mother wants you, 1 know she does. 
And Pa's got things for you to do." Well, 
Shane did what he had to do and then 
heleft. 1 do have friends, but I have very 
few of them. Most of my friends have 
disappointed me. Most people in my life 
have let me down. You can torture your- 
self about it forever, or you can say, "OK, 
1 can live without it. Гт gonna get along 
fine without it." You're much better off if 
you get to that place, because then peo- 
ple can't fuck with you. 


п. 


PLAYBOY: Isn't there a big price to pay? 

MADSEN: There are bigger rewards than 
there are prices to pay. I mean, I'm sit- 
ting on the beach, I'm drinking Jack 
Daniel's and doing 20 Questions [laughs]. 
But I've fucking worked hard. I've spent 
15 years doing this. Pm not under апу 


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PLAYBOY 


148 


illusions about what I think, and 1 don't 
try to pretend that I’m something I’m 
not. I got over that whole painful self-in- 
dulgent crap about "I'm alone, I'm on 
my own.” Feeling sorry for myself is a 
fucking waste of time. Being a loner is a 
reality. My disposition is genetic. My fa- 
ther is a distant man. My mother’s father 
was a distant man. My father's father, 
they used to call him Silent Sam. This is 
inescapable for me. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: As a kid, after your parents di- 
vorced, you hung out with losers, out- 
siders and underdogs. What can you 
learn from outcasts? 

MADSEN: Most of the guys I knew had a 
lot more integrity and a lot more going 
on than most other people I've met. 
They were good men. A lot of good 
hearts there. And most of them are dead 
now. It's hard for me to accept. I dont 
know why I lived and they didn't. I've 
asked myself that question a lot. 


122 


PLAYBOY: You were up for the lead in Nat- 
ural Born Killers, but the part went to 
Woody Harrelson. One story suggests 
you passed on the part because it took 
Oliver Stone too long to decide. What 
really happened? 

MADSEN: I read Natural Born Killers even 
before I read Reservoir Dogs. Oliver Stone 
called me and asked me to play the lead. 
But things did take a long time to be re- 
solved. By that time, I'd been applauded 
for playing the heavy in Reservoir Dogs, 
so I wasn't real sure that being in Natural 
Born Killers was the right move to make. 
So I backed out. 1 don't like to sit around 


and grumble about shit. Regret is not a 
good thing. You do what you think is 
right at the time, and you should em- 
brace your perception. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: Tarantino wrote Natural Born 
Killers. How badly did you want to be in 
Pulp Fiction? 

MADSEN: Quentin sent me Pulp Fiction 
when I was in New York doing publicity 
for The Getaway. I read it and, again, I 
felt like I would be repeating myself, 
particularly because Vincent Vega was 
the brother of my character, Nick Vega, 
from Reservoir Dogs. How could I play 
my own brother? Then Quentin said, 
“Well, I'm going to make The Vega Broth- 
ers, so if you don't do Pulp, whoever does 
play Vincent"—who ended up being 
played by John Travolta—"will be your 
brother." Besides, Larry Kasdan had cast 
me in Wyatt Earp, and Y had always want- 
ed to make a Western. As far as I'm con- 
cerned, Dogs is a better film than Pulp 
anyway. Dogs made Quentin. 1 didn't 
need to be in Pulp Fiction. Га much 
rather look forward to doing 7he Vega 
Brothers. I hope Quentin does it because 
‘Travolta and I together could make a 
great Tarantino picture. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: What's the strangest role you've 
ever been asked to play? 
MADSEN: Helvis. It was about an illegiti- 
mate son of Elvis Presley who is a psy- 
chopathic killer by day and an Elvis im- 
personator at night. 

A director also wanted my sister and 
me to be in a film together—as lovers. 
“The movie was called Galatea. He said, 


“So how do you like it? Straight? French? Laptop?” 


“Think of the notoriety! Think of the 
press we'll get!” I said, “Yeah. You're a 
fucking wacko, man.” 


16. 


PLAYBOY: You go into a restaurant, you 
open the menu and you sce a "Michael 
Madsen." What is it? 

MADSEN: [Long laugh] A New York steak. 
With onions. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: You have young sons. When 
they're older and you have to discipline 
them, will you do it through reasoning 
or edict, or just show them your films so 
they'll have an idea whom they're deal- 
ing with? 

MADSEN: You can't tell a kid anything. 
When people told me stuff when I was 
little, 1 didn't fucking want to listen to 
anybody. I don't expect my sons to listen 
to me. But I think if I can reason with 
them, I will. I like to reason, explain the 
pros and cons and let them make up 
their own minds about which way to go. 
Shit, I'm not going to break them down. 
I don't want to fuck up their spirit like 
my spirit was fucked with. When I was 
groving up, it was "Just fucking smack 
“em!” We all know that's not the way to 
go. I mean, if you beat your dogs they're 
going to turn around and bite your face 
off someday. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: What lessons did you learn by 
pumping gas that serve you well in 
Hollywood? 

MADSEN: Humility. You don't really need 
toblow your horn too loud. When it's 30 
below zero and somebody's honking 
their horn outside for me to come out 
and fill up their car with gas, I'm going 
to put that gas in that car because that's 
my job. But they don’t have to honk at 
me. This is a hard business. A strange 
business. I still haven't figured it out. I 
don't know if I ever will. I don't know if. 
I want to. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: Is there any mohair or shark- 
skin hiding in your closet? 

MADSEN: No. J always wanted a sharkskin 
suit, though. Like Sinatra and Sammy 
and Joey Bishop used to wear. I saw a 
picture of Sinatra in a black sharkskin 
suit. It was so cool. I liked those Vegas, 
Rat Pack movies. Also films like The Dirty 
Dozen, The Wild Bunch, The Magnificent 
Seven. Guys looking out for one another. 
When men were men and sheep were 
afraid. 

20. 


PLAYBOY: Last question: What do you 
love to watch women do? 
MADSEN: Take care of their babies. Yeah. 


Yee-ah. 
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MIER ROM (continued from page 116) 


“She may have left loops or subroutines to render the 
software unstable or even dangerous.” 


PLAYBOY 


іше things to my forehead. “Close your 


eyes. 

Bug? I closed my eyes. I heard the 
drawer rumble; I smelled ıhe sharp 
smell of the Vitazine and it was like wak- 
ing from a dream. Chemise was sitting 
ona brocaded settee under an open win- 
dow, wearing a plum-red stretch-velvet 
baby T with lattice edging and elastic- 

i neckline over matching high- 
panties. 

"Chemise," I said. I tried to concen- 
trate but I couldn't help feeling I had 
been higher yesterday. A dog walked 
through the room. The window looked 
down on a formal garden with curving 
brick walkways. The sky was blue and 
cloudless. 

Chemise was looking away. I sat down 
beside her, fceling restless. I was about to 
get up again when I thought I heard a 
faint voice calling for help. 1 looked 
down and saw a crack in the baseboard. 
It was too small to put my hand in but I 
was able to crawl through on my belly, 
one shoulder at a time. 

1 was in the concrete hallway again, 
with the stack of lumber shimmering 
against one wall. The girl in the red hat 
was yelling at me: "You almost got me 
killed!” 

“Bug?” I said. 

“What did you call me?” 

“Not Chemise?” I tried. She was sit- 
ting on the stack of lumber, wearing her 


MERLYN SISTEMS 
SOFTWARE THAT WORKS HARD 


T-shirt over white cotton panties cut 
high on the sides. 

“Not Not Chemise. You called me 
something else.” 

“Bug” 

“Bug. I like that.” She had gray eyes. 
“But you have to quit looking around. 
We have to go through the mouse holes, 
not the doors, or you might meet your- 
self again.” 

“Then that was me I saw!” 

"That's what crashed the system. You 
almost got me killed.” 

“If the system crashes you die?” 

“Supposedly. Luckily I had saved my- 
self. All I lost was a little memory. A little 
more memory.” 

“Oh,” I said. 

“Let's get going. 1 can take you to the 
Upper Room,” she said. 

1 tried to sound casual. “I thought you 
wanted me to take you.” 

“Same thing. I know the route 
through the mouse holes. Watch me or 
watch the hat. Let's get moving. Clyde 

150 will get the cat out soon.” 


"Cat? I saw a dog.” 

"Oh, shit! We better get moving, 
then." She threw the red hat behind me. 
Where it hit I found a wide crack in the 
concrete floor. It was tight but I man- 
aged to crawl through on my belly, push- 
ing one shoulder through and then the 
other. I was in a bright room with one 
whole wall of windows. Potted plants 
were stacked on boxes and on the sofa. 
There was no place to sit down. Bug was 
standing by the window, wearing a pale- 
peach bra with adjustable tapered straps 
and deep décolleté, and a matching biki- 
ni with full back. And the red hat. 

I stood beside her at the window. I ex- 
pected to see treetops but all I saw were 
clouds, far below. I had never been 
so high. 

“That cat, that dog you saw, is a system 
debugger,” she said. “Sniffs out mouse 
holes. If it finds me I'm a goner.” 

1 liked the way her bra did in the back. 
"Do you mind if I call you Bug?" 

“I already told you, I sort of like it,” 
she said. "Especially since I don't re- 
member my name.” 

“You don't remember your name?” 

“I lost some memory when the system 
crashed," she said. She looked almost 
sad. "Not to mention the time when 
Clyde killed me." 

“Who is Clyde? And who are you, 
anyway?" 

“You ask too many questions," she 
said. "I'm Bug, that’s all, a damsel in dis- 
tress, and that's one of your fantasies. So 
let's get going. We can talk on the way.” 

She threw the red hat against the wall. 
I found it in the corner, where the wall- 
paper was pulled loose, revealing а crack 
barely large enough for my fingertips. It 
was tight but I was able to manage, one 
shoulder at a time. I was in a bedroom 
with a bay window. Bug was — 

“Do you mind ifI call you Bug?” 

“told you, it’s OK.” Bug was standing 
at the window wearing a pearl-white 
satin jacquard demi bra, accented with 
scalloped trim along the cups, and a 
string bikini with a sheer stretch back ac- 
cented with one little bow. And the red 
hat, of course. 

“Clyde will find me here in the Veep 
sooner or later, especially now that they 
suspect a bug. But if I can make it to the 
Upper Room, I can port through to the 
other systems.” 

“What other systems?” 

“The Arctic, the Amazon, whatever 
adventures they add later. All the fran- 
chises are interfaced at the top. It'll be 
like life. Life after Clyde." 

“Who's?” 


“Shit! A phone was ringing. Bug 
picked it up and handed it to me. It was 
porcelain with brass trim, like a fancy toi- 
let. Before I could say hello I found my- 
self staring up at the water-stained ceil- 
ing of the Departure Hall. 

“Client services wants to see you,” said 
the attendant. For the first time I noticed 
the name stitched on his white jacket. It 
was CLYDE, 

. 


“You still seem to be showing up in 
rooms where you aren't supposed to be,” 
said Dr. Cisneros. “On code strings that 
aren't connected. Unauthorized path- 
ways.” Dr. Cisneros had been eating 
lunch at her desk, judging by the little 
pile of bones at the edge of her blotter 
“Are you positive you haven't noticed 
anything unusual?” 

I had to tell her something, so I told 
her about the dog. 

"Oh, that. That's Clyde's cat. The sys- 
tem debugger. He configures it as a dog. 
It's his idea of a joke." 

Sometimes the smart thing is to act 
dumb. “What kind of bug are you look- 
ing for?" I asked. 

Dr. Cisneros swiveled the computer. 
monitor on her desk so that I could 
see the screen. She hit a key and a still 
picture came up. I wasn't surprised to 
see Bug—wearing the MERLYN SISTEMS 
T-shirt and the red hat, of course. She al- 
so wore baggy Levi's and glasses. "Early 
this year one of our programmers was 
caught illegally altering proprietary soft- 
ware, which is, as you know, a federal 
crime. We had no choice but to call 
BATF&S. But while she was free on bail 
awaiting trial she illegally entered the 
system.” 

"As a client?" I asked. 

"As a trespasser with criminal intent. 
Perhaps even to commit sabotage. She 
may have been carrying a resedit. She 
may have left loops or subroutines de- 
signed to render the software unstable 
or even dangerous. Unexecutable rou- 
tines, unauthorized pathways." 

71 don’t understand what this has 
to do with me,” I said. Mother always 
said I was good at lying. Mother ought 
to know. 

“The danger to you,” Dr. Cisneros 
said, “is that one of these unauthorized 
pathways might lead to the Upper 
Room. And the Upper Room is not, at 
present, exitable. It's an enter-only. You 
may have noticed that Victoria's Palace is 
a one-way system, from lower to higher 
rooms. It's like the universe. You go un- 
ul you hit an exit sequence.” 

“The phone rings," I sai 

"Yes," said Dr. Cisneros. "That was 
Clyde's idea. A nice touch, don't you 
think? But at present there's no exit se- 
quence, or phone as you call it, installed 
in the Upper Room." 

“Isn't there a door?" 

“There's an in door but no out door. 


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PLAYBOY 


152 


Where would the out door go? The Up- 
per Room isat the top of the code string. 
The client would be trapped. Maybe 
forever.” 

"So what do you want me to do?” 

“Keep your eyes open. Rogue pro- 
grammers have rogue egos. They often 
leave signature stuff lying around. Clues. 
Ifyou sce anything odd, like a picture of 
her, a little token left around, try to re- 
member what room itis in. It will help us 
isolate the damage." 

“Like a red hat.” 

"Exactly." 

"Or her herself." 

Dr. Cisneros shook her head. “It 
would only be a copy. She's dead. She 
committed suicide before we could have 
her reapprehended." 


"Rhonda left another message on your 
answering machine," Mother said when 


I returned home. 
“Barbara Ann,” I corrected. 
“Whatever. She says she’s going to 

bring your stuff over here and leave it on 

the lawn. She says Jerry Lewis" 

“Jerry Lee, Mother.” 

“Whatever. Her new guy, he needs 
your old room. Apparently they're not 
sleeping together either.” 

“Mother!” I said. 

“She says if you don't come and get 
your stuff she's going to throw it out." 

“I wish you wouldn't play my mes- 
sages," I said. "What's the point of hav- 
ing two machines?" 

“I can't help it. Your machine recog- 
nizes my voice." 

"That's just because you try to talk 
like me." 

“I don't have to try," Mother said. 
“How was your day? Bash any baskin’ 
robins?” 

“Very funny,” I s 


“We did club a 


"HERE ARE No ATHEISTS IN FOXHOLES 


[mm > ш 


HERE ARE NO ATHEISTS IN THE WATERBED MOTEL, EITHER 


Ө | (0400007) 


large number of basking seals today. 
They weren't babies though. We club the 
old seals, the ones that have borne their 
children and outlived their usefulness to 
the tribe.” 

I gave her a look but she chose to ig- 
nore it. 


"The next morning I was the first one 
in the Departure Hall. "Get squared 
away with Bonnie?" the attendant asked. 

“Bonnie?” 

“Hold still.” He was sticking the little 
things to my forehead. “Lie down.” It 
was like waking from a dream. I was in a 
library with an arched glass window 
overlooking faraway hills. Chemise had 
taken down a book and was leafıng 
through the pages. She was wearing a 
black camisole embroidered with velvet 
jacquard on whisperweight voile, with 
slender straps, deeply cut cups and a full 
stretch-lace back. | could see that the 
Pages were blank. “Chemise,” I said. I 
wanted to tell her 1 was sorry I was ne- 
glecting her. I liked the way her cups did 
when she bent over, but I had to find 
Bug. I had to warn her that Dr. Cisneros 
and Clyde were looking for her. 

I searched along the baseboards look- 
ing for a mouse hole until I found a 
crack behind a warped board. It was 
barely big enough to stick a hand in, but 
I was able to crawl through on my belly 
and wedge one shoulder in at a time 

I was back in the concrete hallway. 

Bug was standing beside a pile of two- 
by-fours, wearing her MERLYN SISTEMS 
T-shirt over French-cut white cotton bi- 
kini panties with scalloped lace trim 
along the edges. And the red hat, of 
Course. And glasses! 

"What's with the glasses?” she asked 
me. She tried to take them off but 
couldn't. 

"They know about you," I said. “They 
showed me a picture of you. Wearing 
glasses." 

"Of course they know about me! Clyde 
for damn sure knows about me." 

“I mean, they know you're in here. Al- 
though they think you're dead." 

“Well, I am dead, but I won't be in 
here long. Not if we get to the Upper 
Room." She took off her red hat and 
sailed it down the hall. It landed by a 
break in the concrete where the floor 
met the wall. It was too small for even a 
mouse but I was able to wriggle through, 
first my fingertips and then one shoul- 
der and then the other. I was in a con- 
servatory with big bay windows over- 
looking bright, high clouds that looked 
like ruined castles. Bug—— 

“Do you mind if I call you Bug?” 

“Jesus, I told you, it's OK.” Bug was 
standing by the window wearing a white 
voile bra with lace embroidered cups 
and matching panties with lace inserts 
on the front and sides. And the red hat. 
And the glasses. 


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“I'm willing to help,” I said. “But this 
Upper Room stuff sounds dangerous.” 

“Dangerous? Who says?” 

“Client services.” 

“Cisneros? That cunt!” 

“I wish you wouldn't call her that. She 
says once I get in the Upper Room 1 
can't get out. Like a Roach Motel. No 
phone.” 

“Hmm.” Bug looked straight at me. 
Her gray eyes looked worried. “I didn't 
think of that. Let's go higher, where we 
can talk." She threw the red bat and it 
landed next to a liule wedge-shaped 
hole barely big enough for me to crawl 
intoon my belly, squeezing one shoulder 
through at a time. I was in a dark room 
with heavy drapes and no furniture ex- 
cept for an oriental rug on the floor. 
Bug— 

“Do you mind if I call you Bug?” 

“Will you stop it? Why does DE make 
people so stupid?” 

“Beats me,” I said. 

Bug was sitting on the floor, wearing a 
white faux-satin bra trimmed with an 
embroidery edge and a matching faux- 
satin string bikini. “Bug is not really my 


Do You 
have ANYTHING 
SMALLER? 


SHELTON 


name,” she said. “It’s either Catherine or 
Eleanor, I forget which. It’s one of the 
things that goes when they kill you.” 

“They told me that you committed 
suicide.” 

“Suicide with a hammer, right." I liked 
her laugh. I liked the way the strings on 
her string bikini did. They were like tiny 
versions of the velvet ropes in theaters. 
“They got me arrested, that much of 
what Bonnie told you is true. I'd been 
creating illegal subroutines, mouse 
holes, to allow movement throughout 
the Veep. That's true, too. What she 
didn't tell you is that Clyde and I were 
partners in crime. Well, how could she 
know? That cunt. I put the mouse holes 
in, buried them in the mainstream code 
string so Clyde and I could later access 
the palace on our own. Blackmail and 
extortion was our game. Clyde designed 
the palace and left the mouse holes up to 
me. That's the way we always worked. 
What I didn’t know was that he was al- 
ready in cahoots with Cisneros.” 

“What are cahoots?” 

Bug made a vulgar gesture with a 
thumb and two fingers; I looked away. 


“Cisneros owns 55 percent of the fran- 
chisc. Which made her irresistible to 
poor Clyde, I guess. For months they 
had been playing Bonnie and Clyde be- 
hind my back, while I was busy hacking 
away. Anyway, when Victoria's Palace got 
accepted at Inward Bound, some fran- 
chise-checker dude found the mouse 
holes—I hadn't really bothered to hide 
them—and he told Cisneros, and then 
she told Clyde, and he pretended to be 
shocked and outraged. Set me up. So as 
soon as I got out on bail I went in to get 
my stuff —" 

“Your stuff?” 

“Subroutines, proprietary macros, 
Picts and diffs. I was going to rip it 
all out. And maybe trash the place a lit- 
tle. I was carrying a resedit so I could re- 
write code even as I was riding it. But 
Clyde got wind somehow. So he mur- 
dered me.” 

“With the little hammer.” 

“You're beginning to get the picture. 
Just opened the drawer and, whack, right 
between the eyes. What Clyde didn't 
know was that I could save myself. I al- 
ways run with a little auto-save macro I 
wrote back in community college, so I 
lost only about ten minutes, and some 
memory. And my life, of course. I 
ducked into the mouse hole space but 
who the hell wants to live like a rat forev- 
er? I was waiting for my prince to come 
and take me to the Upper Room.” 

“Your prince?” 

“Finger of speech. I was waiting 
for the Veep to open. Any dude would 
have done.” 

“Figure of speech,” I said. 

“Whatever. Anyway, what Cisneros 
doesn't know—or Clyde either—is that 
the Upper Room is interfaced at the top 
with the other Inward Bound areas, the 
Arctic and Amazon franchises. I'll be 
able to get out of the Palace. And, as 
more and more modules get added, my 
universe will get bigger and bigger. If I 
watch my ass, ГП live forever. Or haven't 
you noticed that there’s no death in DE?” 

She stood up and yawned. I liked the 
pink inside of her mouth. She took off 
the hat and threw it against the wall. It 
landed by a little opening under the 
baseboard. It was tight but I managed to 
squeeze through, one shoulder at a time. 
I was in a stone room with a tiny slit win- 
dow and a folding chair. Bug— 

“Do you mind if I call you Bug?" 

“Will you knock it off? Come over 
here.” 

Bug was wearing a black lace bra with 
deep décolleté cups and wide-set straps, 
and matching black lace thong panties 
with little bows on the sides. And the red 
hat, of course. And the glasses. She made 
room so that I could stand beside her on 
the chair and see out the slit window. I 
could almost see the curve of the earth. I 
could almost feel the curve of her hip 
against mine, even though I knew that 
it was my imagination. Imagination is 


everything in DE. 

“We're not so far from the Upper 
Room,” she said. “Look how high you've 
gotten me already. But Cisneros is right 
about one thing.” 

“What?” 

“You can’t take me into the Upper 
Room. You'd be stuck. No way back.” 

“What about you?” I liked the lit- 
ue bows. 

“гт already stuck. I don't havea body 
to go back to. You provide this one, I 
guess.” She peered through her glasses, 
down the front of her bra, down the 
front of her panties. “Which is why I'm 
still wearing glasses, 1 guess.” 

“га like to help you get to the Upper 
Room,” I said. “But why can't you go in 
by yourself?” 

“I can't move up, only down,” Bug 
said. "I'm dead, remember? If І ont 
still had my resedit, I could— Shi 
There was a phone. We had hardly no- 
ticed it until it rang. “It’s for you,” she 
said, handing me the receiver. 

Before I could say hello I was staring 
up at the water-stained ceiling of the De- 
parture Hall. I heard shoes squeaking. 
The attendant helped me out of the 
drawer. Clyde. 

55 already?" I asked. 
ime flies when you're having fun," 
he said. 


“Guess who's here?" Mother said. 

I heard the snarl of a toilet flushing in 
the bathroom. 

“1 don't want to see her,” I said. 

"She came all the way from Salem," 
Mother said. “She brought your stuff. 

"Where is it, then?" 

“It's still in her car. I wouldn't let her 
bring it in,” said Mother. "That's why 
she's crying.” 

"She's not crying!" a deep voice called 
out from the bathroom. 

"My God,” I said, alarmed. “ 
there with her?” 

"She's not taking it back!” the same 
deep voice called out. Another toilet 
flushed. Mother has two in her bath- 
room, one for me and one for her. 

"I'm on my vacation,” I said. The 
bathroom doorknob started to turn and 
I went for a walk. When I got back they 
were gone and my stuff was on the lawn. 

“You could dig a hole,” said Mother, 
"and cover it." 


Is he in 


I was the first one in the Departure 
Hall the next morning. But instead of 
opening my drawer, a Shoes— 
Clyde—gave me a paper to si 

“I already signed a release,” "T ‘said. 

“This is simply for our own protec- 
tion,” he sai 

I signed. “Good,” he said and smiled. 
It was not a nice smile. “Now lie down. 
Now take a deep breath.” The drawer 
slid shut. I inhaled the Vitazine and it 


ro 


BUY 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can contact 
for information on where to 
find this month’s merchandise. 
To buy the apparel and equip- 
ment shown on pages 20-21, 
84-91, 118, 124-125, 
140-143 and 173, check the 
listings below to find the stores 
nearest you. 


WIRED 
Pages 20-21: "Stop, Thiel 


Jerome, 2 North LaSalle 
Street, Chicago, 312-332- 
9095. Sunglasses by Diesel, 
at Sunglass Huts nation- 
wide. Page 89: Dinner jack- 
et, tuxedo pants and shirt 
by Brioni, at Bergdorf 
Goodman, 754 Filth Av- 
enue, NYC, 212-753-7300. 
Bow tie and cuff links by 
Tino Cosma, at Tino Cosma, 
692 Fifth Avenue, NYC, 
212-246-4005. Page 90: 


Cellular phones: By Mo- 
torola, contact your local cellular carrier 
By AT&T. 800-858-3718. “АП the Right 
Moves": Video games: By Acclaim Enter- 
tainment, 516-656-5000. By Nintendo, 800- 
255-3700. By Sega, 800-733-7288. “Wild 
Things”: 3-D glasses by Nu Vision, 800- 
920-9327. 3-D software: By GT Interactive, 
800-610-4847. By Interplay, 800-969-4263. 
DSS starter kit by Crutchfield, 800-955- 
9009. “Multimedia Reviews and News": 
Software: By Broderbund, 800-521-6263. 
Ву Starhill Productions, 800-304-GAME. By 
Viacom New Media, 800-469-2539. By Fu- 
ture Rom, from Mission Control, 800-999- 
7995. By Discovery Channel Multimedia, 
800-678-3343. By Sega, 800-733-7288. 


FASHION FORECAST 

Page 85: Suitand shirt by Joseph Abboud, at 
Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus and Saks 
Fifth Avenue stores. Shoes by Kenneth Cole, 
800-KEN-COLE. Belt by Cole-Haan, at Cole- 
Haan stores nationwide. Glasses by 
Alexander Julian, 800-544-1366. Page 86: 
Suede blazer by Joseph Abboud, at Nord- 
strom, Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Av- 
enue stores nationwide. Shirt by Lance 
Кате, at Billi, 50 English Plaza, Redbank, 
New Jersey, 908-530-8142. Pants by 
DKNY, at Bloomingdale's and Saks Fifth 
Avenue stores nationwide. Shoes by J.P 
704%, 800-457-8637. Motorcycle jacket by 
Emporio Armani, 212-727-3240. Sweater by 
Matthew Batanian, at Camouflage, 139 
Eighth Avenue, NYC, 212-691-1750. Kha- 
ki slacks by Industria, at Industria, 755 
Washington Street, NYC, 212-243-0999. 
Page 87: Jacket by Austyn Zung, at Pavin- 
gas, 626 Kings Highway, Brooklyn. 718- 
339-0336. Tshirt by Gene Meyer, at Saks 
Fifth Avenue stores nationwide. Jeans by 
Boss-Hugo Boss, at Bloomingdale's stores 
nationwide. Shoes by Gucci, at Gucci stores 
nationwide. Page 88: Jacket by Robert Fre- 
da, at Ultimo, 114 E. Oak Street, Chicago, 
312-787-0906. T-shirt by Victor Victoria, at 
Scarle, 862 Madison Avenue, NYC, 212- 
779-9995. Jeans by Boss-Hugo Boss, at Syd 


Suit by Vestimenta, at fine 
specialty stores. Shirt by Paul Smith, at Paul 
Smith. 108 Fifth Avenue, NYC, 212-627- 
9770. Tie by Joseph Abboud, at Nordstrom, 
Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue 
stores. Shoes by Cole-Haan, at Cole-Haan 
stores nationwide. Belt by Daniel Craig, at 
Allure, 1509 Walnut, at Center City, 
Philadelphia, 215-561-4272. Page 91: Suit 
by DKNY, at Bloomingdale's and Macy's 
stores nationwide. Shirt by DKNY, at Saks 
Fifth Avenue stores nationwide, Shoes by 
Kenneth Cole, 800-KEN-COLE. 


PASSPORT TO ROMANCE 

Page 118: Travel information: Silversea 
Cruises, 800-729-0055, extension 222. 
Temptress Voyages. 800-236-2493 пет. ОА. 
Lindblad, 800-762-0003. Radisson Seven 
Seas Cruises, 800-333-3333. Le Boat Inc., 
800-922-0261. Accessible Isolation Holidays, 
011-44-1252-7 18808. Mike Madden's Cedan 
Dive Center, 011-52-987-35129. La Selva, 
011-593-2-550-995. Hotel Pire-Hue, 011- 
54-1-3114569. Llao Llao, 011-54-944- 
48530. Backroads Bike and Walking Tours, 
800-462-9848. Oberoi Resort, contact Lotus 
"Tours, 212-254-2917. 


FLAMING ASSETS 

Pages 124-125: Cigar lighters: By Alfred. 
Dunhill, 800-860-8362. By Colibri, 401- 
943-2100. By S.T. Dupont, 800-341-7003. 
By Savinelli, 800-633-9182. 


OVERTHETOP ELECTRONICS 

Pages 140-143: Digital camcorder by 
Sony, 201-348-7000. Multimedia note- 
book computer by Gateway 2000, ROO- 
GATEWAY. Portable video game system by 
Sega, 800-733-7288. Audio/video receiver 
and TY cabinet by Mission Electronics, 800- 
838-7955. VCR by RCA, 800-336-1900. 
Audio system by Bose, 800-444-BOSE. TV 
and DSS receiver by Sony, 800-222-7669. 


ON THE SCENE, 
Page 173: Recbok Sky Walker by Sport 
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HOTOGRAPHY Dv: P 3 STEVEN BARBOUR. KENT DARKER, STEPHEN с. BARRETT, TEO BETZ (2). ANDREW GOLOMAN 


обеци OF HOLLYWOOD. К 14s STILING BY PANIER CABRERA FO CLOUTIER, GROGHING BY GARY DICRMAN FOR PROFILE 


155 


PLAYBOY 


156 


was like waking from a dream 

I was in a formal living room with a 
cream-colored rug, couch and chair. 
Chemise was standing at the window 
wearing an ivory underwire bra in satin 
jacquard with a low-plunge center and 
wide-set straps and matching bikini 
panties with a sheer stretch panel in 
front. She was holding a cup and saucer, 
also matching. Through the window 
1 could see rolling hills stretching to 
a horizon. The dog trotted through 
the room. 

“Chemise,” I said. I wished I had time 
to explain things to her, but I knew 1 had 
to find Bug. 

I looked around for a mouse hole. Be- 
hind a lamp, in a dark corner, there was 
a low arch, like the entrance to a tiny 
cave. I could barely negotiate the nar- 
row passage, shrugging one shoulder 
through at a time. 

“What took you so long?” Bug was sit- 
ting in the concrete hallway on the 
gleaming stack of lumber, her knees 
pulled up under her chin. She was wear- 
ing her MERLYNSISTEMS T-shirt over a tiny 
thong bikini. And the red hat and the 
glasses, of course. 

“They made me sign another release.” 

“And you signed it?” 

I nodded. I liked the way the thong 
made a little V and then disappeared. 

“You moron! Do you realize that by 
signing the release you gave Clyde the 
right to kill yon?” 

“I wish you wouldn't call me that,” 
I said. 

“Fucking Bonnie and Clyde! Now I'll 
never get to the Upper Room!" I was 
afraid she was about to cry. Instead, she 
hurled the red hat angrily to the floor 
and when I bent down to pick it up I saw 
a crack barely large enough for three 
fingertips, but 1 was able to squeeze 
through by crawling on my belly and 
pushing one shoulder in at a time. I was 
in an empty room with bare wood floors. 
and windows so new that the stickers 
were still on them. Bug was wearing a 
coral stretch-lace bra cut low for maxi- 
mum décolleté with a French string biki- 
ni that was full in the back and plunged 
to a tiny triangle of sheer pink lace in 
front. And the red hat. 

I followed her to the window. Below 
was a mixture of seas and clouds, an 
earth as bright asa sky. 

“We must be getting close to the Up- 
per Room!" I said. "You're going to 
make it!” 1 wanted to make her feel bet- 
ter. I liked the way her bra did in front. 

“Don't talk nonsense. Do you hear 
that howling?” 

I nodded. It sounded like a pack of 
hounds getting closer. 

“That's the cat. Search and destroy. 
Find and erase.” She shivered quite 
extravagantly. 

“But you can save yourself!” 

"Not so easily. I’m already a backup.” 

I was afraid she was about to cry. 


“Then let's get going!” I said. "I'll take 
you to the Upper Room. I don't care 
about the danger.” 

“Don’t talk nonsense,” Bug said. “You 
would be trapped forever, if Clyde didn't 
kill you first. If only I had my resedit, I 
could get there by myself.” 

“So where is it?” 

“I lost it when Clyde killed me. I've 
been looking for it ever since.” 

“What does it look like?” 

“A pair of big scissors.” 

“I saw Chemise with a pair of big scis- 
sors,” I said. 

“That cunt!” 

“I wish you wouldn't call her that,” I 
began. But the phone was ringing. We 
hadn't noticed it before. 

"Don't answer it!" Bug said, even as 
she picked it up and handed it to me. 
How could she help it? I had signed 
the release. It was for me, of course. The 
next thing I knew I was staring up at the 
water-stained ceiling and at the little sil- 
ver hammer coming down right between 
my eyes. 

And at Clyde's smile. Not a nice smile. 

. 


First it got real dark. Then it got light 
again. It was like waking from a dream. 

I was in a round, white room with 
curved windows all around. My head 
hurt. Through the glass 1 could see gray 
stars in a milk-white sky. Bug 

“Over here,” she said. She was stand- 
ing by the window wearing periwinkle 
panties of shimmering faux satin, cut 
high on the sides and full in the back, 
with delicately embroidered cutouts 
down each side of the front panel. And 
nothing on top at all. No bra. No straps, 
no cups, no detailing, no lace. 

My head hurt. But I couldn't help be- 
ing thrilled at how high I was. “Is this— 
the Upper Room?” I asked breathlessly. 

“Not quite,” she said. She was sull 
wearing the red hat and the glasses. 
"And now we're out of luck. In case you 
hadn't noticed, Clyde killed you, too. 
Just now." 

“Oh no." I couldnt imagine anything 
worse. 

“Oh yes,” she said. She put her hand 
on my forehead and I could feel her 
fingers feel the little dent. 

"What did you do, copy me?" 

“Pulled you out of the cache. Barely.” 
Out the window, far below, there was a 
blue-green ball streaked with white. 
“Hear that howling? That's Clyde's cat 
rooting through the palace room by 
room." 

I shivered. I liked the way her panties 
did underneath. 

"Well, what have we got to lose?" I 
said, surprised that 1 wasn't more upset 
that I was dead. “Let's head for the Up- 
per Room." 

“Don't talk nonsense," she said. “If 
you're dead too, you can't pull me 
through." The howling was getting loud- 


er. "Now we have to find the resedit. 
Where did you see what’s-her-name 
with the big scissors? Which room was 
she in?” 

"Chemise," I said. “I can't remember." 

"What was out the window?" 

“I can't remember.” 

“What was in the room?” 

“1 can't remember.” 

“What was she wearing?” 

“A low-cut, smooth-fitting strapless bra 
in stretch satin and lace with lightly lined 
underwire cups, and a high-cut, wide- 
band brief with a sheer lace panel in the 
front, all in white,” I said. 

“Let's go, then,” Bug said. “I know the 
spot.” 
“I thought we couldn't go anywhere 
without the res-whatever.” 

“Down we can go,” Bug said. She 
threw the red hat and followed it herself. 
It fell near a tiny hole barely big enough 
for her fingertips. I squeezed through 
after her. I still liked the way her panties 
did underneath. We were in an old-fash- 
ioned kitchen and Chemise was stirring 
a pot with a pair of big scissors. She was 
wearing a low-cut, smooth-fitting st 
less bra in stretch satin and lace 
lightly lined underwire cups, and a high- 
cut, wide-band brief with a sheer lace 
panel in the front, all in white. 

“Give me those!" said Bug. grabbing 
the scissors. She was also wearing a low- 
cut, smooth-fitting strapless bra in 
stretch satin and lace with lightly lined 
underwire cups, and a high-cut, wide- 
band brief with a sheer lace panel in the 
front, all in white. And the red hat. But 
where were her glasses? 

“Bitch,” said Chemise. softly. I was 
shocked. I didn’t know she could talk. 

“Cunt,” said Bug. 

Just then the dog trotted into the 
room from nowhere. Literally. 

“The cat!” said Bug. She was trying to 
jimmy the lock on the pantry with the 
point of the big scissors 

The dog—cat—hissed. 

“In here!” said Bug. She pushed me 
backward into the pantry while she 
jabbed upward, ramming the point of 
the big scissors into the dog's belly. The 
cat's belly. Whatever. Blood was every- 
where. I was in a large, empty, pyramid- 
shaped room with a white floor and 
white walls rising to a point. There was 
one small porthole in each wall. Bug — 

Bug was nowhere to be seen. 

Outside the portholes, everything was 
white. There weren't even any stars. 
There were no doors. I could hear bark- 
ing and growling below. 

"Bug! The cat erased you!” I wailed. I 
knew she was gone. 1 was afraid I was 
going to cry. But before I could, a trap- 
door in the floor opened and Bug came 
through feet first. It was odd to watch. 
Her arm was covered with blood and she 
was holding the scissors and she was — 

She was nude. She was naked. 

“I have erased the cat!” Bug cried 


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triumphantly. 

“It’s still coming.” I could hear wild 
barking below. 

“Shit! Must be a replicating loop,” she 
said. She was naked. Nude. Stripped. 
Bare. Unclad completely. “And quit star- 
ing at me,” she said. 

"I can't help it,” I said. Even the red 
hat was gone. 

“I guess not,” she said. She was nude. 
Naked. She was wearing nothing, noth- 
ing at all. She ran to one of the four port- 
holes and began prying at the frame 
with the point of the scissors. 

“There's nothing out there," I said. 
The howling was getting louder. The 
trapdoor had closed but I had the feel- 
ing it would open again, all dogs. Or 
cats. And soon. 

“Can't stay here!" Bug said. She gave 
up on the frame and shattered the glass 
with the scissors. 

"I'm going with you," I said. 

“Don't talk nonsense,” she said. She 
put her hand on my forehead again. Her 
touch was cool. I liked-the way it felt. 
“The dent is deep but not all that deep. 
You may not be dead. Just knocked out.” 

“He hit me pretty hard! And I'm 
trapped here anyway.” 

“Not if you're not dead, you're not. 
"They'll shut down and reset once I'm 
gone. You'll probably just wake up with a 
headache. You can go home." 

The barking was getting closer. "I 
don't want to go home." 

“What about your mother?" 

“Пей her a note,” 1 lied. 

“What about your stuff?” 

“I buried all my stuff.” She was nude. 
Naked, except for her lovely glass- 
es. Nothing on the bottom, nothing on 
top. Even the red hat was gone. The hole 


was barely big enough for my hand but I 
followed her through, one shoulder at a 
time. Everything was white and the 
howling was gone and something was 
moaning like the wind. I took Bug's 
hand and I was rolling. We were rolling. 
I was holding her hand and we were 
rolling, rolling, rolling through warm, 
blank snow. 
e 


It was like waking from a dream. I was 
wrapped in a foul-smelling fur, looking 
up at the translucent ceiling of a little 
house made of ice and leaves. Bug was 
lying beside me wrapped in the same 
smelly fur. 

“Where are we?" I asked. “I hear cats 
barking.” 

“Those are our dogs,” she said. 

“Dogs?” I got up and went to the door. 
It was covered with a scratchy blanket. I 
pulled it back and looked out across 
miles of new snow to a distant line of 
trees, hung with vines. Silvery dogs were 
peeing on the outside of the little house. 
One was shaking a snake to death. It was 
a big snake. 

“They all come together here,” Bug 
said. “The Upper Room, the North Pole, 
the headquarters of the Amazon.” 

“Headwaters,” I said. “Where are 
your glasses?” 
don’t need them anymore.” 
liked them.” 

“ГП put them back on." 

I got back under the fur with her, cu- 
rious to find out what she was wearing. 
There's no way I can tell you, from here, 
what it was. But you would have liked it, 
too. If you're anything like me. 


BUCHANAN 


(continued from page 138) 
nations.” Jay is accompanied by a blonde 
assistant who gets extrasto sign a release 
allowing their images to be used in na- 
tional television ads. One Buchanan 
staffer stares at her ass and tells me, “I'd 
love to pork her a few times, a nice older 
woman like that. She’s fine.” 

Shaun and I work the door, handing 
out GO PAT Go stickers to the Rotarians 
entering the lunch hall. As they ap- 
proach, I ask politely, “Would you like a 
sticker?” Many say yes; then, when they 
see the name Buchanan, they hesitate 
and leave the sticky decals hanging off 
their fingers, unsure how to proceed. 

A gray-haired man shoves a finger in 
my shoulder. “You have no right telling a 
woman what to do about abortion.” 

Another man lowers his face to mine. 
“You guys and Ralph Reed and the 
Christian Coalition scare me more than 
the ayatollah.” 

I laugh. “Maybe a sticker on the way 
out?” 

“Are they giving you a hard time?” 
Shaun has come to reinforce me. 

“No, they just haven't heard Pat yet,” I 
respond. 

Shaun suggests that I work with the 
film crew. 

“This will be your 15 minutes of 
fame,” the production assistant says. 

“More like my 15 seconds." I say he- 
fore I practice shouting the chant “Go 
Pat go, go Pat go, go Pat go” that will ac- 
company the candidate as he enters the 
Rotary Club meeting. 

“When Pat leaves the door, the drill 
begins,” Jay instructs us. He waits until 
Buchanan has left the Comfort Inn and 
begun to cross the asphalt lot. “Here he 
comes,” Jay announces. 

Shaun points at my cigarette and 
shakes his head urgently—no one pro- 
motes cigarettes in Buchanan's television 
commercials. I scan Buchanan's face as 
he approaches—his cheeks have a rosy 
glow, as if they are rouged. I could swear 
he’s wearing lipstick. His loyal wife Shel- 
ley, as always, is by his side. 

Pat takes my hand firmly. “Are you 
with the campaign?” 

"I'ma new volunteer. I've been work- 
ing in the Manchester office,” I answer. 

“Thanks for coming out today, we ap- 
preciate the help.” 

Buchanan is late for his speech, so he 
cuts short the 15 minutes scheduled to 
meet and greet the crowd and takes the 
microphone confidently. He introduces 
his wife Shelley as “the woman I nomi- 
nate to replace Hillary Rodham Clin- 
ton.” His speech is filled with appeals to 
the pocketbook, not the heart. This is 
Buchanan Lite—the campaign’s newest 
gimmick. Apparently his political han- 
dlers have impressed upon him the need 
to borrow from Clinton's “It’s the econo- 
my, stupid” strategy. He even bashes big 


business for its failure to protect the 
‚American worker. 

Buchanan leans forward, bending his 
six-foot frame at the hips and clasping 
his hands together like a sympathetic 
priest. His right cye squints shut. With 
his foot on a chair and his arm on his 
thigh he looks like an overzealous junior 
varsity basketball coach. His eyebrows 
furrow gently and radiate an empathy 
for whomever he addresses, then he 
straightens and fires his eight-cylinder 
voice at Colin Powell. “When has Gen- 
eral Powell ever been a great leader?” 
Buchanan asks his audience. “General 
Powell, from what I understand, was a 
reluctant warrior during Desert Storm. 
There is nothing wrong with that, but 
this is not Douglas MacArthur or George 
Patton we are talking about. Are we go- 
ing to hand over power to the man who 
was recently considered as Bill Clinton's 
running mate?” 

Shaun and I leave before the speech 
ends and grab a quick lunch before 
heading to a picturesque New England 
pier, where a stream of trawlers and sail- 
boats bobs in the bright sun. As Pat chats 
with the dockworkers, a net bulging with 
haddock and cod is winched onto the 
"These are the bottom scrapings of a 
dying way of life, and Buchanan seizes 
the opportunity to compare the New 
England fishermen to Northwest log- 
gers. “You are both equally endangered 


species,” he tells the cameras. Pat defines 
the problem in one word: foreigners. It's 
all the fault of foreigners who fish too 
fast, too much. His solution? Let the New 
England fishermen and Northwest lum- 
berjacks—not some pointy-headed sci- 
entist back in Washington—decide how 
much fish and timber should be removed. 


Buchanan's pretensions to be the anti- 
Washington, antimedia champion are 
ironic for a man who began his career as 
a journalist unusually friendly to the 
government. Buchanan was no muck- 
raker. Instead, he used his job to shill 
for J. Edgar Hoover's FBI. Buchanan 
was privy to some of the FBI'S most sen- 
sitive missions, including one to smear 
Martin Luther King Jr. “The FBI chan- 
neled us constant information” on local 
communists, radicals and “national civil 
rights leaders,” Buchanan brags in his 
autobiography. “We knew their sched- 
ules as well as they did.” Whenever the 
bureau found—or invented—a particu- 
larly juicy story, it was funneled to news- 
paper writers such as Buchanan, who 
then wrote for the St. Louts Globe-Demo- 
crat. By the time a white racist assassinat- 
ed King, Buchanan was no longer on the 
anti-King beat. He was on his way to the 
White House, where he would design 
campaign strategy for Richard Nixon. 

Buchanan counseled President Nixon 


to approve funding for a splinter black 
presidency campaign led by Shirley Chis- 
holm. In one memo he wrote, “There is 
nothing that can so advance the presi 
dent’s chance for reelection as a realistic 
black campaign. We should continue to 
champion the cause of the blacks within 
the Democratic Party, elevate their com- 
plaints as taken for granted.” 

Buchanan's final words on the 1972 
campaign are an ode to negative cam- 
paigning. “If the country goes to the 
polls in November scared to death of 
McGovern, thinking him vaguely anti- 
American, then they will vote against 
him—which means for us. What we have 
done thus far, and fairly well, is not put 
the president 34 points ahead—but Mc- 
Govern 34 points behind.” 

Near the end of Watergate, Buchanan 
referred to the White House as “the 
bunker” and served as de facto house 
psychologist for the distraught Nixon 
clan. When the ship finally sank and 
Nixon resigned, Buchanan lobbied un- 
successfully to be U.S. ambassador to the 
Republic of South Africa. 


Buchanan's last speech of this October 
campaign swing is the highlight of the 
two-day New Hampshire blitz. A New 
Hampshire pol named Mike Hammond 
warms up the crowd. 

“When the history of this campaign is 


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written—and believe me, it will be writ- 
ten—there will be a chapter on the col- 
lapse of Bob Dole,” Hammond begins. 
“The story of how he floundered and 
how he finally made the gaffe that cost 
him the campaign. The chapter will be 
entitled ‘If It’s Tuesday, I Must Be a 
rvativc." 

“There will also be a chapter on Phil 
Gramm and the millions he spent. The 
man who thought money could buy him 
the nomination spent and spent until he 
was left with neither money nor princi- 
ples. "That chapter will be entitled "The 
Incredible Shrinking Man." 

"Finally, there will be a chapter on the 
campaigner who confounded all the 
punt in the liberal media and went on 
to win not only the nomination but also 
the presidency of the United States. 
That chapter will be entitled "Pat Bu- 
chanan—An American Hero.” 

The crowd rises to a standing ovation 
and begins screaming “Go Pat go! Go Pat 
go! Go Pat go! Go Pat go!” Buchanan 
starts with an attack on the UN and 
“abortionists.” 

Buchanan asks his audience: “Did you 
know that the UN says there are five 
genders represented at the Beijing wom- 
en's conference?” 

Buchanan looks up to his crowd and 
stops. Holding out his hand he raises 
one finger. “Heterosexual—I under- 
stand that.” 

Raises a second finger. “Homosexu- 
al” Buchanan pauses while nervous 
laughter fills the room. “I’ve read about 
that.” 

He raises a third finger. “Transsexu- 
al” He slows down. “Now, I don't 
even want to know about numbers four 
and five." 

"The crowd howls approval as Buchan- 
an continues: "No taxpayer dollars are 
going to fund these dingbat conferences 
Оп women's rights in Beijing. When Lam 
elected president in November, we'll 
court-martial Bill and Hillary Clinton 
and send them back to wherever they 
sent Joycelyn Elders.” 

Warming to the reception, Buchanan 
lets fly another volley: *I promise to ap- 
point a right-to-life vice president, a 

right-to-life cabinet and right-to-life Su- 

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Mike is high on Norman Schwarzkopf. 
“He'd be excellent. He's far more con- 
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Mike laughs at my naivete. “Pat's nota 
balancing kind of guy.” 

Our conversation drifts back to March 
1995, when Buchanan announced his 
candidacy. Protesters had disrupted Bu- 
chanan's speech and I knew Mike had 
been there. “What happened that day 
that Pat announced? Who were those 
people who started screaming “Buchan- 
an is a racist?” 

“You mean the protesters?” Mike re- 
sponds. “We dragged them away, with 
their heads banging on every step. I 
don't think they liked their welcome 
very much.” 

“Did you have them arrested for dis- 
turbing the peace?” 

“No, they filed charges against us! For 
beating them up!” Mike is indignant 
“And I know they will be back.” he glum- 
ly notes. 

. 


Right after that speech, Lleft the cam- 
paign. If enthusiasm among a handful of 
faithful followers could elect a man pres- 
ident, Buchanan would be a shoo-in. Of 
course, it can't. And on some level, 
everyone involved in the Buchanan 
campaign—and I assume Buchanan 
himself knows that. Even though I saw 
nothing of substance accomplished dur- 
ing my brief tenure, I was reminded of 
Buchanan's real power about ten days 
later when Colin Powell announced he 
would not seek the GOP nomination. 
Few would dispute that one ofthe key 
factors in Powell's decision was the vocal 
opposition on the part of hard-core Re- 
publican conservatives to Powell and his 
beliefs. No one was more vocal than 
Buchanan in threatening Fowell with a 
nasty, bruising battle for the soul of the 
party. In his speech announcing his deci- 
sion not to run, Powell admitted there 
were certain candidates in the race he 
could never, under any circumstances, 
support. He didn't name Buchanan, but 
everyone knew whom he was talking 
about. 

Buchanan had done it again. Four 
years ago, he mortally wounded George 
Bush and paved the way for Bill Clinton. 
Now he had taken perhaps the best 
chance the Republicans had to unseat a 
Democratic president and helped scuttle 
it. It’s one thing for Pat Buchanan to 
choose the role of spoiler as a career 
path. But it’s another to watch his hard- 
working staff and dewy-eyed supporters 
pour time and money into his odd 
vendetta. None of the men or women 
І met saw themselves as spoilers. They 
just wanted to improve America—in 
their sometimes twisted way—and they 
couldn't have been more well-meaning 
or sincere. 

I couldnt help but think that they de- 
serve better than Pat. 


MUTUALFUNDE 


(continued from page 92) 
that, consider buying a general fund that 
is heavily into the sector without being 
formally committed to it. 

Caveat: If you're conservative, be 
aware that some nominally diversified 
funds may have 65 percent or more of 
their assets in a specific sector, with all 
the attendant risk. Read the quarterly, 
semiannual or annual fund report. 

All funds have expenses in varying 
amounts. But the rule is simple: The less 
money the fund deducts, the better your 
probable return. Resist the argument 
that top-performing funds are worth the 
extra cost. Even usually dependable win- 
ners have occasional bad years, but their 
expenses are unremitting. 

Expenses come in many guises. Ihe 
most conspicuous are loads—sales com- 
missions deducted up front when you 
buy into a fund. Avoid load funds. First, 
you're not buying better performance: 
For five years through 1994, pure no- 
load funds rose 52.4 percent, load funds 
50.8 percent. Some of the individual 
load funds are admittedly stellar, but for 
almost every one there's a no-load look- 
alike somewhere. 

Second, loads are understated. On 
$1000, a “five percent” load takes $50, 
which is actually 5.26 percent of your net 
$950 investment. Thus the fund must 
earn 5.26 percent in the first year to 
break even. And loads compound with 
returns—if the fund doubles in value, a 
$100 load becomes $200 in lost value. Fi- 
nally, by skipping load funds—of which 
there are a multitude—you expedite, 
shorten and simplify your selection 
process, especially since loads aren't nor- 
mally factored into performance figures, 
making comparisons of loads and no- 
loads needlessly laborious. 

Caveat: There are also back-end loads, 
or “redemption fees,” which are deduct- 
ed when you sell shares. Many of these 
fees decline to zero over a few years, but 
if you have to sell before then, the effect 
can be similar to a front-end load. 

Then there are management fees, 
charged by every fund to cover invest- 
ment expenses. These generally range 
from 0.5 percent to 2.5 percent yearly. A 
Morningstar study found little or no cor- 
relation between higher (or lower) fees 
and better (or worse) performance. 
More significant, steeper fees can, over 
time, bite you harder than the stiffest 
loads. An example: Fund A is no-load, 
with a 2.1 percent annual fee; Fund B 
has a 5.75 percent load but just 0.7 per- 
cent in fees. Over the course of five 
years, Fund B is a better deal. 

High fees also make bad times worse. 
If your return is low, the fees will really 
hurt. A two percent fee cuts a ten per- 
cent gross to eight percent—still de- 
cent—but slices a slack year's six percent 
gross to four percent, less yield than 


froma certificate of deposit. 

Tip: Check a fund's prospectus for no- 
tations that fees have been waived, en- 
hancing the return. If so, and the en- 
hancement is significant, make sure the 
waiver isn't just temporary. 

A true no-load fund charges only 
management fees. But many technically 
no-load funds also deduct (sometimes 
inconspicuously) distribution fees, ad- 
ministrative charges, sales expenses and 
12b-1 fees. These don't pay for money 
management per se but are used to cov- 
er the fund’s business operations, some 
of which return no benefit to you. (Most. 
notable is the 12b-1, which pays for the 
fund's advertising and marketing. It's 
often buried in the prospectus as sales 
expenses.) 

The critical number is the fund's total 
expense ratio. The more it exceeds the 
management fee, the more you're subsi- 
dizing the fund. And in the words of. 
American Association of Individual In- 
vestors president John Markese, “If your 
fund has an above-average expense ra- 
tio, in the long run you're going to pay 
dearly." And not just that extra one per- 
cent or so, compounded annually, but 
probably in performance as well. The 
No-Load Fund Investor found that of 
funds with expense ratios of two percent 
or more, only one third ranked in the 
top 60 percent over five years. Case 
closed 

"The average expense ratio for stock 
funds is 1.4 percent. Most no-load advo- 
cates recommend you avoid anything 
over 2 percent, and many would cut that 
to 1.5 percent. But small-asset-base 
funds have necessarily greater expense 
ratios, so make allowances. Also, average 
fees vary by category: aggressive growth, 
1.51 percent; small cap, 1.33 percent; 
growth, 1.19 percent; equity income, 
1.05 percent; growth and income, 1.04 
percent. Compare accordingly. 

Tip: Check the prospectus for trends. 
Have expense ratios been rising, or 
falling, the past few years? 

There are thousands of equity funds, 
sothe key to making fund selection man- 
ageable lies in your ability to narrow the 
field to a short list of finalists. Eliminate 
all funds with loads, or expense ratios 
more than 0.5 percent above the catego- 
rys average. Forget those that have 
trailed their category's average return in 
two of the past five years, and those that 
require such large initial investments 
that it skews your asset allocation. 

If you're conservative, omit aggressive 
and sector funds, funds more volatile 
than a S&P 500 Index fund, those that 
yield under three percent and those with 
below-average returns in down markets. 
Lean toward value-oriented funds. If 
you're aggressive, scratch those that 
don't perform in the top 30 percent of 
their categories in bullish years, those 
with rookie managers, those that didn't 
gain at least 30 percent in 1995 and 


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those that keep more than 7 percent of 
their assets in cash. 

‘Then seriously research the survivors. 
Read the fund prospectus for the fund's 
investment objectives and policies and 
what proportion of its assets is allotted to 
stocks, bonds, cash and other inyest- 
ments. Find out its requirements and 
which restrictions its bound by. Look 
closely at year-by-year expenses, vola- 
tility and total return (dividends and 
capital gains). And take note of thc dec- 
laration of risk and the sharcholder priv- 
ileges and services. Read the semiannual 
reports for a review of fund perfor- 
mance over time, year by year and com- 
pared with various indexes. Also look at 
a list of the fund's current holdings bro- 
ken down by dollar amount allotted to 
each and its percentage of total assets. 

Of course, some advisors feel that all 
of the above is unnecessary, that your 
easiest, safest and best-performing play 
is simply to buy an S&P 500 Index fund. 
These are 100 percent invested in Stan- 
dard & Poor's 500 leading American 
companies in major industries and are 
considered a proxy for the U.S. stock 
market. The "index versus managed" 
debate is one of the most heated and 
contradictory in fund investing. 

Historically, an S&P 500 Index fund 
beats 50 percent to 75 percent of all ac- 
tively managed U.S. equity funds, de- 
pending on your time frame. But it does 
so inconsistently—it topped managed 
funds in the Eighties but often lagged 
them in the preceding two decades. 

An index fund buys and holds stocks. 
By not trading, it minimizes taxes on 
capital gains that managed funds incur. 
But it pays considerable dividends, often 
taxed at higher rates than capital gains. 
The tax factor will probably just be 
awash, 

An S&P 500 Index fund stays fully in- 
vested and thus gets maximum benefit 
from rising markets, which historically 
occur more often than falling ones. But 
if the market does take a prolonged dive, 
index funds can’t retreat into cash or 
bonds to cut their losses. That means 
they'll take the maximum whack. 

In the ten years ending January 1994, 
the 500 Index’ total return of 258 per- 
cent beat 80 percent of all U.S. diver- 
sified stock funds. But that was partly be- 
cause the 500 Index became a favorite 
play with institutional investors, who 
plowed money in, thus boosting the 
prices of the 500 stocks. That's a self- 
fulfilling tactic. Many pros, including 
former Vanguard chief executive John 
Bogle, who virtually invented the index 
fund, feel this trend will reverse, to the 
benefit of managed funds. 

Partisan statistical rhetoric aside, the 
500 Index fund does have clear-cut ad- 
vantages. Over the past decade, its 15 
percent average annual return bested 
the average general equity fund's 12 
percent, and it beat over half of those 


funds in seven of ten years. Since it al- 
ways buys the same 500 stocks, the In- 
dex’ fund manager is irrelevant and the 
management fees and trading commis- 
sions are minuscule. Several index funds 
have expense ratios that are a full one 
percent below the managed-funds aver- 
age. That's a significant long-term cdgc. 

And finally, the Index fund is com- 
posed of 500 of America’s largest, most 
stable and most powerful companies. It 
will never finish in the top 50 funds, but 
not in the bottom 50, cither. It won't al- 
ways be a winner, but it will be more of 
ten than not. And it will always be com- 
petitive, with comfortably moderate risk. 

On the downside, it fails to provide 
true diversification—it holds no small 
cap stocks, and, because of the compa- 
nies’ size, few growth stocks. It can't 
dump poor stocks and snap up hot ones, 
or buy low and sell high. 

And managed funds have their own 
virtues. In bullish markets, they general- 
ly outpace the 500 Index funds. Man- 
aged funds can buy stocks that feature 
superior growth potential or bargain 
prices. And even in the 500 Index’ best 
years, 25 percent of the managed funds 


inancial columnist John Waggoner 
found that of 1093 funds with a five-year 
record through September 1995, 43 
percent beat the S&P Index. That's 470 
funds. Waggoner located about 45 of 
them just in the five largest no-load fund 
families. In that period, while the S&P. 
Index rose 121 percent, the diversified 
funds at Fidelity rose an average of 163 
percent, at Vanguard 139 percent, at 
T. Rowe Price 148 percent and at 20th 
Century 201 percent. 

But managed funds also have draw- 
backs. While many top the S&P Index in 
any given year, far fewer manage to do 
so significantly and consistently. More 
often, the winners are either temporary 
streakers or volatile funds, are riding 
bandwagon sectors or are just lucky. 
Even consistent winners come loaded 
with uncertainty: Their annual returns 
are less predictable than the 500's and 
their holdings change constantly. The 
skill and experience of their managers 
are absolutely vital. They also must 
maintain cash reserves—money that’s 
not working for you. 

Bottom line, a 500 Index fund proba- 
bly shouldn't be your only play. lt may 
not even be your best play. But it’s an ex- 
cellent first fund and core holding if 
you're just getting in, and a solid foun- 
dation to build on with more aggressive 
or conservative funds of your choice. 
And it enjoys perhaps the single greatest 
virtue in the world of mutual funds: ab- 
solute, brain-dead simplicity. 

Final tip: All 500 Index funds are 
identical, hence no-loads with the lowest 
expense ratios are the best, period. 


ELECTRONICS 


(continued from page 141) 
larger than a cigar box, yet it houses all 
control functions, a stereo radio and the 
world’s smallest six-disc CD changer. 
And Bose's radio-frequency remote con- 
trol runs the show from anywhere. 


TUBE TOPICS 


The wall-mountable, flat-screen TV 
set has almost become a practical reality, 
thanks to advances in liquid crystal- and 
plasma-gas-display panels. Fujitsu Gen- 
eral plans to introduce a 42-inch wide- 
screen model in November, priced un- 
der $10,000. And NEC, Mitsubishi, Sony 
and Panasonic have also shown proto- 
type 40-inch flat screens. 

Meanwhile, there’s an ever-expanding 
universe of big-screen sets that use tra- 
ditional display technologies. Sony has 
entered the 35-inch arena with a made- 
in-the-U.S.A. Trinitron monitor and re- 
ceiver. Panasonic's first 35-inch Super 
Flat is $1800. But Proscan still has a size 
advantage with its new line of televisions, 
which includes four 36-inch tabletop 
models. 

To double your pleasure, there's the 
picture-and-picture feature recently 
introduced in 1996 TV receivers. A 
refinement on picture-in-picture, pic- 
ture-and-picture puts two full-motion, 
normal-proportion programs side by 
side on the same screen. (Because your 
ears can't handle both soundtracks at 
once, one plays through the speakers, 
the other through a headphone jack.) 
Sony now offers P&P in sets ranging in 
size from 27 inches ($1100) to 61 inches 
($5500). Wide-screen (16x9 format) 
sets, such as JVC's 55-inch rear-projec- 
tion model with P&P ($4500), are even 
better suited for side-by-side viewing. 

Proton and Sharp stick with PIP on 
their wide-screen sets. The former offers 
direct-view models with screens measur- 
ing 30 and 34 inches ($2700 and $5000, 
respectively). Sharp goes for the slender 
look. Its 43-inch wide-screen projection 
set (about $4000) measures a trim 15.4 
inches deep and uses a flat liquid crystal 
display rather than projection tubes. 


VCR UPDATE 


While most people have figured out 
how to program their VCRs, the prob- 
lem now is too many shows and not 
enough time. Sharp's solution is the VC- 
BF80 VCR (under $800), which can 
record two programs at once on a single 
tape for individual or side-by-side play- 
back. This doubled fun is made possible 
by two tuners that feed signals to a 
unique split video head system. 

Want to watch 60 Minutes in a half 
hour—with intelligible audio and a vir- 
tually noiseless, normal picture? Then 
check out Jvc's new VHS VCR, w 
allows you to view recorded programs at 
double speed (or faster). It also runs 
clean and clear in slow motion, in both 


forward and reverse directions, so you 
can relive that gold-medal dive in the 
sharpest detail. The price: $500. 

Eliminating the flotsam of TV is the 
mission of Commercial Advance, a fea- 
ture incorporated in VHS recorders 
from Hitachi, JVC, Panasonic, Proscan, 
RCA and Samsung. These VCRs seek 
out the characteristic frames of black 
that immediately precede and follow 
commercial breaks. They then mark the 
spots on the control track and automati- 
cally fast-forward through them during 
tape playback. 


DATELINE DVD 


Although the first digital versatile disc 
products won't reach shelves until Sep- 
tember, critics already call DVD one 
of the most exciting breakthroughs since 
the compact disc. The same size asa CD, 
this disc is an extremely high-density 
storage medium with the potential to re- 
place laser discs, VHS tape, CD-ROMs 
and audio CDs. The first DVD players 
(priced upwards of $500 from compa- 
nies such as Toshiba, RCA, Panasonic 
and Mitsubishi) will concentrate on 
movie and music playback. So, unless 
you've been hanging out at George Lu- 
cas’ Skywalker Ranch, you can expect 
DVD's video and surround-sound quali- 
ty to surpass anything previously experi- 
enced via a home medium. DVD's for- 
mat options also offer you a choice 
between watching standard 4x3 or let 


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terbox versions of the same film—for 
both will be accessible on a single, one- 
sided, 133-minute disc. You'll be able to 
control the sex and violence in a film just 
by shifting the player's program-rating 
setting. For laser-disc loyalists, Pioneer 
will case the transition with an introduc- 
tory player that handles both 12-inch 
laser and digital versatile discs. 


HOME THEATER IN A BOX 

These days, it's easy—and afford- 
able—to bring movie magic home. 
"Thanks to companies such as Celestion, 
Kenwood, Sherwood, Sony and 3M, 
complete home-theater audio packages 
(including an array of satellite and sub- 
woofer speakers) that match Dolby Pro 
Logic Surround decoder-amplifiers can 
be had for as little as $300. 

While not a complete system, Mis- 
sion's M-time is an elegant starting 
point. This $4000 unit combines a de- 
coder, powerful amplifiers, a center 
channel speaker and twin subwoofers. 
The attractive cabinet doubles as a TV 
stand for screens up to 35 inches. 

For even bigger budgets, there's AC-3 
a new six-channel surround system 
based on the Dolby digital audio repro- 
duction process used in movie theaters. 
To enjoy AC-3's pinpoint sound-localiz- 
ing and supercharged bass effects, you'll 
need a higher grade of receiver with the 
proper decoder. Yamaha's DSP-A3090 
($2500) provides that (along with the 


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company's special digital sound field 
processor) and can create 30 different 
surround modes (such as movie theater, 
nightclub or stadium). Coolest of all is 
Kenwood's $2500 Stage 3 КС-21 tuner- 
preamp-controller. It features a detach- 
able LCD touch pad that uses radio fre- 
quencies, so you can monitor the system 
from anywhere in your house. 


THESKY'STHE LIMIT 


The Digital Satellite System is one of 
the most successful launches in the histo- 
ry of consumer electronics, largely be- 
cause of its superior audio and video. 
But DSS’ other big attraction is its 175 
channels, which are always tunable to a 
movie or sporting event. RCA's new 
DS7430RA DSS system ($900) and the 
Proscan PS84360A variant ($950) make 
surfing the on-screen DSS program 
guide easier by adding one-button tune- 
and-record features licensed from Star- 
sight Technology. For easy interfacing 
with preexisting cable service (still useful 
for receiving local stations), a Channel 
Select feature distributes the DSS signal 
through the cable wiring. 

Sony's new top-end DSS system, the 
SAS-ADI ($950), offers infrared and ra- 
dio-frequency signaling. A whole-house 
distribution system is optional. Other 
companies betting on DSS this summer 
with dish and receiver packages are Dae- 
woo, Hitachi, Hughes, Panasonic, Sam- 
sung, Toshiba and Uniden: 


DIGITAL VIDEO ACTION 


Freeze a tape during playback on a 
digital mini-DV camcorder and the im- 
age looks exceptionally clean and clear, 
demonstrating this new format’s poten- 
tial for double duty as a video-movie and 


AWE 


still camera. Panasonic and Sony intro- 
duced the first models, priced between 
$2900 and $4200. But the smallest and 
most exciting of the mini-DVs are the 
JVC GR-DVI and RCA CC900D. For 
about $2500, you get a slip-in-the-pock- 
et, one-pound wonder with the classic 
anodized-aluminum look and feel of a 
Minox spy camera. You'll also get almost 
every imaginable feature, including 100- 
times power zoom, image stabilization, 
color viewfinder. a digital snapshot 
mode, computer interface and even an 
option that allows you to zoom and crop 
during playback. And in May, Sharp will 
offer the first digital Viewcam with a 
five-inch monitor ($4600), the biggest 
LCD screen in any camcorder to date. 


VIDEO GAMESMANSHIP 


We will never win ultimate control 
over our lives, but Nintendo promises 
virtual control of the cyberuniverse with 
its newly released Ultra 64 game system 
(under $250). Ultra 64 gets its name and 
impressive 3-D graphics from the 64-bit 
computing power of a Silicon Graphics 
workstation. A unique three-grip con- 
troller introduces an extra stick for di- 
recting action and controlling the speed 
of screen characters. And when you've 
racked major points or reached virgin 
territory, you won't have to take a Po- 
laroid picture to share the moment. Ul- 
tra 64's controller accepts an optional 
memory card that maintains game posi- 
tion and point standing. 

One concern is Ultra 64's cartridge 
format, which has been maintained for 
the sake of smoother game play and low- 
er hardware cost but may result in high- 
er-priced software. For example, the 
premiere title, Super Mario 64, will car- 


“Would you like to come in, Ronald, and finish putting 
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ry a suggested retail price of $100 when 
it debuts this month in Japan. However, ` 
Ultra 64 has more than 100 times the 
program storage capacity of the disc- 
based software used by rival systems 
such as the red-hot 32-bit Sony Playsta- 
tion, the Sega Saturn and 3DO. To re- 
main ahead of the game, 3DO plans to 
introduce a 64-bit Power PC-based up- 
grade called M-2 Accelerator. 

Sega will soon introduce a $100 mo- 
dem and keyboard package for its Sat- 
urn system, which will provide owners 
with a simple gateway to the Internet 
And for joystick jockeys who aren't yet 
ready to say goodbye to Sonic, Sega is 
launching the Nomad nationwide. Orig- 
inally introduced last Christmas in limit- 
ed quantities, the $180 portable unit fea- 
tures a 3^ color LCD monitor and 
accepts all 16-bit Genesis titles. 


COMPUTER NEWS 


Multimedia computers are finally liv- 
ing up to their potential this spring with 
system turbochargers such as six-speed 
CD-ROM drives and multidisc changers, 
two-gigabyte hard disks and 166MHz 
Pentium chips. But beyond power, Com- 
pag offers two of the coolest new com- 
puter features. Built into the keyboard 
of the Presario 7232 ($2200) is а com- 
pact Visioneer scanner with a motor feed 
that captures text and images from let- 
ter-size paper for faxing or easy integra- 
tion into documents. 

About $3000 buys Compaq (and the 
world's) first PC featuring a rewritable 
compact-disc drive (developed by Pana- 
sonic). The discs for this machine cost 
about $50 each, store up to 650 megs of 
data and can be read and rewritten a 
half million times. Sorry, the drive can't 
record discs for your audio CD player, 
but it will play music tides. It also serves 
as a conventional CD-ROM spinner. 
(Panasonic also offers this new technolo- 
gy as an accessory. The price: $500 for 
one that can be installed internally and 
$650 for an external model.) 


MULTIMEDIA TO GO 


Portable PCs used to lag behind desk- 
tops in processing power and features, 
but they don't anymore. This season, 
Gateway Solo's notebook line reaches 
parity with deskbound models by of- 
fering four-speed CD-ROM drives, 
120MHz Pentium processors and 1.2-gig 
hard drives. In addition to Gateway, oth- 
er companies with new high-perfor- 
mance Pentium-based multimedia 
portables include Toshiba, Texas Instru- 
ments, Compaq and Sharp. All are 
priced upwards of about $3000, depend- 
ing on configuration, and all are fairly 
lightweight—about five pounds. There 
are also batteries that can travel for eight 
hours without a recharge. Now that’s 


efficient! 


SALMAN RUSHDIE 


(continued from page 62) 
taken place. It also came in the after- 
math of the emergency rule of Mrs. 
Gandhi, when there were all kinds of 
atrocities. Once again, afterward a lot of 
the evidence was destroyed and the ex- 
perience was denied. If I'm trying to of- 
fer a truthful picture of what happened 
in those times, remembering what hap- 
pened inevitably becomes politicized. 
Just writing down the story of the mass 
graves found in Bangladesh by the liber- 
ating army or the people who got their 
testicles cut off in various prisons around 
north India brings you into conflict with 
the authority figures who denied that 
those things happened. 

[The interview is interrupted with news 
that Nigerian writer Ken Saro-Wiwa has been 
executed. Rushdie is silent, near tears, for ten 
minutes. He then begins speaking again.) 

Writers have been wiped out all over 
the place, and it is horrifying the way in 
which nothing much happens as aresult. 
1 will be interested to see what happens 
to Nigeria as a result of this. I suspect a 
three-letter word that begins with O and 
ends in L—with I in the middle—might 
prevent anybody from being too harsh. 
Yet here is a man who has been killed be- 
cause he set himself up against the inter- 
ests of oil. A very brave man, because he 
didn't write from exile. He wrote from 
inside the belly of the beast and it was 
dangerous. Then he gave up his writing 
to put himself at the head of the democ- 
racy movement. He knew the rest of the 
world was getting to be wishy-washy and 
nobody was willing to do anything. [He 
stops again, collects himself] You know, I 
feel that so much attention has been paid 
to me while so many other writers have 
been in danger. I have spoken about oth- 
er writers because it would be obscene to 
use this attention and not talk about 
those others. I wish people would listen 
more to this. 

There were great writers in the Soviet 
gulag whom we fought for. We smuggled 
out their work and published it, and 
gave them voices and fought for them. 
Now another group of writers is fighting 
against equivalent tyranny and equiva- 
lent injustice, in the Muslim world or 
out. Because our interests do not dictate 
it, we ignore them, we let them die, we 
let them go to jail and rot. We must stop 
a situation in which writers are getting 
wiped out every five minutes, in which 
writers are being exiled, in which Saro- 
Wiwa can be murdered. China continues 
to persecute its writers. All over the 
world, writers are being thrown in jail 
They mysteriously die in police custody 
and they are falsely accused of commit- 
ting crimes. It is open season on writers 
and it must stop. 


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Da ssport 

(continued from page 120) 
around the world. These trips can be 
thematic (pedal to microbreweries in 
northern California or to the culinary 
landmarks of Tuscany), cultural (cruise 
through Prague and the quiet roads of 
the Bohemian countryside) or spiritual 
(explore the Hindu temples of Bali or 
the trails along the Mae Kok River in 
Thailand). Backroads’ tours travel to 
dozens of spots in the U.S., as well as to 
Central and South America (Mexico and 
Costa Rica, Chile and Argentina), Eu- 
rope (Turkey and Greece, Spain and 
Portugal, France, Switzerland, Ireland) 
and Asia and the Pacific (China, New 
Zealand and Hawaii). The company also 
offers walking trips in similar locations. 
Prices start at $700, including gear, food 
and lodging at cither inns or campsites. 


HOLISTIC HOLIDAYS 


New Age travel is another hot devel- 
opment for men and women with dis- 
posable income and a lot on their minds. 
It’s now possible to vacation while 
improving your karma, reading your 
biorhythms, learning yoga, taking a reli- 
gious retreat, becoming a vegetarian— 
you name it. 

We recently received a publicity letter 
regarding a gorgeous “environmentally 
correct” resort called Oberoi on Bali. It 
read: “Participate in one of our insight 
vacations that include lifestyle enrich- 
ment workshops with an environmental 
theme such as Diet for a Healthy Planet 
or the Healthful Workplace.” Just what 
we'd want to do after flying 20 hours 
to Bali. 

We'll take the Iceland girls instead. 


TE e б С 
“T hope this counts as foreplay!” 


LONG HOT JAMMER 


(continued from page 108) 
also make great tanners. But California 
Tan makes what is probably the most ex- 
pensive suntan product in the world. Its 
two-part tanning routine starts with 
Mocha, a tanning mousse with a 
melanin-stimulating hormone and vita- 
mins A, C and E. Once your tan is under 
way, the next step is Unison, a lotion 
combined with a pill. The lotion includes 
a variety of oils and extracts, plus copper 
dioxide, which supposedly works with 
the pill to enhance the production of 
mclanin. Mocha sells for about $25. Uni- 
son costs $70 for an cight-ounce tube of 
lotion and the supplement. 

The next wave of men's grooming will 
stress function and versatility. Tommy 
Hilfiger is adding antiperspirant and 
bath soap to his recently launched line of 
grooming products. Calvin Klein's CK 
One will add a talc, hair gel and condi- 
tioning shampoo to its unisex collection. 
A fragrance that will be big this spring is 
Navy for Men. Taking the name, but not 
the formula, of the popular women's 
perfume, Navy for Men combines wild 
water mint, tangerine, sage, nutmeg and 
clove in a sharp, sensual scent that will 
be available in cologne and aftershave. 

The trend will continue toward multi- 
purpose products. And you'll also find 
special treatments that include antiaging 
skin creams, shave formulas for particu- 
lar skin types and products for the older 
man. Expect more inventive uses of vita- 
min therapy for skin care and hair care. 
Watch for fresher fragrances inspired by 
natural fruit scents, as well as treatment 
creams designed to combat free radicals. 

Men's increased interest in looking 
good has created a whole new market for 
day spas. Traditionally thought of as fe- 
male territory, these bastions of beauty 
have undergone a makeover. Some spas 
have designated special days for men, 
others have redecorated a section of the 
facility in a masculine motif. But if 
you've had your fill of the typical salon 
atmosphere and want to change gears, 
the Service Station, at 137 Eighth Ay- 
enue in New York City, may be more 
your speed. This new storefront day spa 
offers pedicures, manicures, haircuts, 
massages, tanning beds and facials for 
both sexes. And, though women are wel- 
come, the facility is designed to make 
men feel comfortable. The staff wears 
overalls, the walls are lined with gas sta- 
tion signs, the metal floor is reminiscent 
of a grease rack and car seats serve as 
sofas. Thus far, the place has gained the 
favor of men and women alike. If this 
trend continues, by next year you could 
be watching the World Series at a spa in- 
stead of a sports bar. 


GERRY SPENCE (om page 120) 


At 17 Spence left home for the merchant marines. He 
drank whiskey and visited bordellos in every port. 


“Thank you for feeling it,” he says. He 
puts his large hands over his face, with 
the tips of his fingers over his eyebrows 
and the palms at his chin, and stretches 
his skin like a mask, as if he could wipe 
away the rage. 

“You want to know why I'm angry?" 
he says. “I used to be a Republican. I ran 
for Congress in 1962 as a Republican. If 
you'd have read my press dippings, I'd 
have made Newt Gingrich a great run- 
ning mate. 1 hated welfare. But I didn't 
know anything. I lived in this little state 
of Wyoming and never experienced the 
suffering of little people until I started 
representing them in courts. Then I saw 
the power of the corporations and how 
they control Congress and the appoint- 
ment of judges. You join in that sense of 
powerlessness. 

"In fact, you begin to feel like a black 
man. I feel like a black man. People will 
misunderstand that. I feel as if I have 
been banished along with the poor and 
the damned and the injured and the for- 
gotten and the hated. They are my cli- 
ents. If you live with them and suffer 


with them and care about them and love 
them every day of your life, you begin to 
understand.” 

I can't help but mention that few of 
the disenfranchised manage to live in 
such splendor. 

“You sce this house,” he says, “and 
whatever else I have. It all comes from 
insurance companies. That's like an In- 
dian hanging out his scalps. These are 
my fucking scalps.” 

He's a black man? An Indian? Or is he 
merely a master manipulator? 

To understand anything about this 
man you have to begin with his parents: 
with his father, the decent man who 
taught him by example to live an ethical 
life, and with his mother, a religious 
woman whom Spence believes may have 
died for his sins. 

е 


Gerry Spence's early life was rugged, 
Western and wholesome. He was born at 
home, in Laramie, Wyoming, just after 
midnight on January 8, 1929, the dawn 
of the Depression. His father was a 


chemist who worked in factories and fed 
the family elk meat and homegrown veg- 
etables. His mother sewed clothes from 
animal skins and made sure Gerry went 
to church every Sunday. 

Midway through our first interview, as 
the afternoon light faded from Spence's 
study, he said, “Come over here. I'll in- 
troduce you to my father.” He beckoned 
me to a nook by a window and showed 
me a 16"x 20" photograph he had taken 
of his father in 1991, a year before he 
died at the age of 92. “The greatest man 
I ever knew,” he said. 

Before Spence was big enough to hold 
a rifle, his father would take him into the 
Bighorn Mountains to stalk deer and 
elk. Spence was 12 when he killed his 
first deer, and from that day on he rev- 
eled in the “gutting-out process, the 
blood clear to one’s shoulders, the smell 
of the fresh slaughtered animal warm 
and good on one’s body,” as he wrote in 
one of his books. Spence has quit hunt- 
ing wild animals, but he still sees himself 
as a killer when he goes into the court- 
room. “You just have to exercise a pow- 
erful amount of judgment as to who you 
kill,” he says. 

At 17 Spence left his home for a tour 
in the merchant marines. He drank 
whiskey and visited bordellos in every 
port. In Aruba, girls sat in bars naked 
and went “beach-beachy” with him all 
night. For the big Westerner, it was the 


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blossoming of his swaggering ego, which 
was about to reach full flower in lawyer 
Spence. 

One day in 1949 Esther Spence, Ger- 
ry's mother, took her husband's hunting 
rifle, walked into the orchard behind her 
parents’ ranch, lay down under an apple 
tree, put the barrel in her mouth and 
blew out the back of her head. 

Gerry Spence blamed himself for his 
mother's suicide. He was 20 at the time. 
When he was four, his younger sister, 
Peggy, died of cerebral meningitis. Es- 
ther feared that her son would contract 
the disease and die, so she made a bibli- 
cal deal with God: Spare my son and I'll 
give him to you. Instead, Gerry Spence 
turned out to be an unruly rake, “whor- 
ing, drinking and gambling,” he admits. 

He returned to Wyoming, married 
Anna Wilson and went to law school at 
the University of Wyoming in Laramie. 
They had the first of three children. He 
graduated from law school at the top of 
his class and flunked the bar exam. 
Crushed at 23, he picked himself up, 
passed the exam and moved to Riverton, 
a tiny town in central Wyoming. He was 
a failure in private practice, so he ran for 
and won a job as county attorney, and 
then as prosecutor. In those two four- 
year terms, Spence honed his basic trial 
skills. At first he lost cases to veteran de- 
fense attorneys. He yearned to deliver 
spontaneous oratory but always needed 
notes. He made up for his weaknesses 
with dogged preparation. 

By 1962 Spence was winning cases 
and had become so powerful that he de- 
cided to run for Congress as a Republi- 
can. He won just one precinct, two votes 
10 one. The humiliating defeat sent him 
into a depression ruled by his mother’s 
ghost, which he claims started visiting 
him in dreams afier her suicide. To exor- 
cise the demons, he tried sensitivity 
training and found himself at a moun- 
taintop retreat for couples that was spon- 
sored by the Episcopal Church. They took 
turns explaining why they had come. 

“I have come here today, brothers and 
sisters, for one purpose,” Spence said, 
“and that is to fuck your wives.” 

Instead, he began to get in touch with 
his inner self. He conversed with his 
mother. He returned to Riverton and 
worked like a man possessed. But he 
continued to drink heavily and sleep 
with other women. Then he found the 
love of his life. 

Spence was skiing in Jackson Hole 
when he spied “an exotically beautiful 
woman with raven hair and flashing blue 
eyes.” A month later he saw her again in 
Casper. They started talking by phone 
and meeting in funky hotels. They drove 
naked across the prairies and drank 
whiskey all night. Gerry Spence had fall- 
en madly in love with LaNelle Hampton 
Peterson Hawks, who was married and 
had children. He wrote poems to her by 
day and dreamed poems of her at night. 


‘The name Imaging came to him in a 
dream. He gave her the name and it 
stuck. 

Spence's first marriage didn't. One 
day his wife caught Spence and Imaging 
drinking whiskey and cavorting on the 
roof of Spence's office in Riverton. Torn 
between his family and this wild affair, 
Spence moved with his wife and four 
children to Mill Valley, California. Final- 
ly, he left Anna, drove back to Wyoming, 
seuled in Casper and married Imaging 
in Lake Tahoe. It was in Casper that 
Gerry Spence's legal resurrection took 
place. 

. 


Spence and Imaging were shopping at 
the Safeway in Casper when they saw an 
old man Spence had recently beaten out 
of an insurance settlement after a wom- 
an ran her car into him and left him 
crippled 

I'm sorry how your case turned out,” 
Spence said in amoment of uncharacter- 
istic empathy. 

“Don't feel bad,” the old man replied. 
“You were just doing your job.” He pat- 
ted Spence on the back and smiled. 

Up to that moment, Spence had made 
good money representing insurance 
companies, But that chance encounter 
triggered the transformation of Gerry 
Spence, the insurance company lawyer, 
to Brother Spence, attorney for the 
downtrodden. 

“What would have happened,” 
Spence asks, “ifhe had turned to me and 
said, “You motherfucker, you've just 
cheated me out of my justice’? Га have 
said he should have hired a better 
lawyer. But when he turned to me with 
love and forgiveness in his eyes and said, 
‘You were just doing your job,’ that 
brought into question what my job was. I 
was at the age when I was questioning 
life. Is it just masturbatory ejaculation? 
Hedonistic expression of my egotistical 
self? All of a sudden it became clear: To 
cheat poor people because I had been 
given a talent was not my job.” 

From that day on, Spence champi- 
oned the underdog. He won a $1.3 mil- 
lion verdict for a secretary who caught 
gonorrhea from the son of an ambas- 
sador. He successfully defended Ed 
Cantrell, a Wyoming highway patrolman 
who shot an undercover agent between 
the eyes. The agent was a key witness in 
a statewide corruption case, but Spence 
convinced a jury that Cantrell was act- 
ing in self-defense. The Karen Silkwood 
case in 1979 vaulted Spence to national 
attention. 

It was the beginning of Spence's evan- 
gelical stage. He spoke to groups of trial 
lawyers across the country and pleaded 
with them to be ethical and moral, to 
“tell the simple truth” and to speak to ju- 
rors from their hearts. Afier a speech to 
members of one bar association, a judge 
and his wife approached him. 


“You should have been an actor, Mr. 
Spence,” she said. “No, wrong,” the 
judge broke in. “He is an actor.” 

“I don't think it's acting,” Spence said. 
“I think it's the opposite. It's being who 
you are: angry, sad, maybe afraid.” 

"Don't give us that shit, Gerry,” the 
judge said. Then he laughed and the 
couple walked off. 


Now Spenceis giving the shit back and 
laughing all the way to the TV studi 
He's hammering home the same themes 
in books, television and interviews: Law- 
yers should represent the little guy and 
return power to the individual. Big cor- 
porations and big government are evil. 
Eat the rich. 

"See," he tells me early in the inter- 
view, "I don't like rich people. And I'm 
richer than most of the rich people I 
don't like." 

Living in Jackson Hole, a playground 
for the rich, and working in television, 
he has plenty of rich friends. Alan Hirsh- 
field, former chairman of Twentieth 
Century Fox, is his "close friend" in Jack- 
son Hole. Larry King is another wealthy 
buddy. (“If Spence weren't from Wyo- 
ming," says King, "he'd be from Brook- 
lyn.”) But Spence says that his everyday 
buddies are local photographers and 
the people he defends, not the corporate 
fat cats. 

“Гуе turned down millions of dollars 
because I don't want to defend corpo- 
rate America," he says. "That isn't what I 
want to do with my life." 

In defending the іше guy, Spence has 
done quite well for himself. He has won. 
dozens of big cases, multimillion- 
dollar payoffs against McDonald's, Aet- 
na, USX Corp. and others. His booksare 
moneymakers. He owns his land in Jack- 
son Hole, where he moved 18 years ago, 
and a ranch in Dubois where he con- 
ducts the Trial Lawyer College every 
summer. Whenever he wins a case, gets 
on Larry King Live or talks law on his own 
show, people clamor for his services. 

But as the demand for Spence's legal 
services increases, he spends less time 
practicing law. He rises at five Am, has 
coffee and a bowl of oatmeal, goes to his 
study and writes until noon. He naps 
after lunch, and in the afternoon he 
does interviews and makes calls. In the 
evening he takes a walk with Imaging. 
When does he go to the law office of 
Spence, Moriarity and Schuster in Jack- 
son Hole, the one with the huge carved 
eagle over the door? "Never," he says. 
He selects the few cases he takes from 
the solitude of his study. 

“I wait until I see a case I fall in love 
with,” he says, "because I don’t believe a 
lawyer can represent a client without 
caring about the client. Caring is a con- 
tagious emotion. You can't ask jurors to 
care about your client if you don't. I 
have the opportunity to do countless 


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cases that I feel need to be done. I try to 
find cases that have powerful, irresistible 
influence, where the issues of the case 
transcend the case itself.” 

One thing that transcended the Ran- 
dy Weaver case was that his client was a 
white supremacist and reputedly a card- 
carrying member of the Aryan Nation. 
Spence's friend Alan Hirshfield pointed 
that out in a letter imploring him not to 
take the case. Spence wrote back that his 
sister is married to a black man and his 
daughter is married to a Jew. Still, many 
complained that his antigovernment 
rhetoric and his defense of Weaver made 
him a hero in the militia movement. 

“You and I both could find things 
about every philosophy we agree with,” 
he says. “But we have our own overrid- 
ing ideals. I'm so far left of the militia 
groups that I meet them coming around 
the other side. It's a strange dichotomy 
that, as you say, my writing gives comfort. 
to militia groups. But they're not read- 
ing carefully what I write." 

Spence's critique of American society. 
a body of thought that he's been devel- 
oping for more than 90 years, indicts the 
country's politics, economy and media. 
But he offers little in the way of reme- 
dies. He shies away from revolution and 
doesn't trust reform. His solution boils 
down to a belief that people will throw 
off their bonds when they are given the 
facts of their enslavement. His job is to 
get the word out through the media and 
by example through the cases he takes. 
So would he, for instance, represent Tim- 


othy McVeigh, who allegedly bombed 
the federal building in Oklahoma City? 

“What do I have when I'm finished?” 
he asks. "When 1 finished the Randy 
Weaver case, I had America focused on a 
problem. When I finished the Imelda 
Marcos case, I had America focused on a 
problem. I haven't looked at the Okla- 
homa case and probably won't. What do 
1 have if I represent McVeigh?" 

He pauses. The hatred of the entire 
nation, perhaps? 

“1 can't see it," he says. 

е 


Spence has displayed his healthy ego 
most of his life. When he moved from 
Wyoming to Mill Valley in a vain attempt 
to salvage his marriage, he tried to place 
an ad in the American Bar Association Jour- 
nal. “Best trial lawyer in America needs 
work,” it read. The journal returned it 
with his check. 

Gerry Spence revels in his ego. “It is I, 
always not the client, on trial,” he wrote 
in his first book. “The jury accepts or re- 
jects me, not my case. I make the case. I 
am the director, the producer, its princi- 
pal actor. It is my courtroom, my judge, 
my jury." And if the jurors say no, “they 
are saying no to all of me.” 

Spence understands exactly how to 
make the most out of himself. He's a 
master at self-promotion. Which brings 
us to the question most asked about him: 
What's with the fringe? "That's how I be- 
came who I am,” he tells me. “You have 
to market yourself a little bit. I wanted to 


“Mr. Brown, your 3:00 appointment and 
your 2:55 quickie are here.” 


distinguish myself from all of those de- 
fense lawyers in New York.” 

The homespun frontier image has 
worked well for Spence, but even his 
friends worry that he’s in danger of be- 
coming a caricature. 

“Have I already? That's the question,” 
he says. “I think there's a danger all 
right. Television creates these huge 
myths. People see me on TV in this sta- 
tus called celebrity. It's nothing but a 
myth. And it is caricature." 

It's hard to separate the caricature 
from the man and especially difficult to 
understand how Spence could be both a 
glib television talker one day and a bril- 
liant lawyer the next. It seems that soon- 
er or later the caricature will cheapen 
the substance and diminish the brilliance 
of what Spence does best, which is to 
serve clients as one of the top trial 
lawyers in America. At some point he'll 
have to decide between the greenroom 
and the courtroom. 

A few of his legal brethren are 
annoyed. "The costume and the aw- 
shucks act are enough to turn me off,” 
says Sol Linowitz, a respected Washing- 
ton, D.C. attorney and former ambas- 
sador who co-authored The Betrayed Pro- 
fession, a book on legal ethics. 

Judged as a lawyer, Spence sometimes 
has been compared to Clarence Darrow. 
That's a bit much, he allows, and he 
doesn't like to be in the same league with 
Johnnic Cochran and E Lee Bailey. He 
relates more favorably to William 
Kunstler, He believes Ralph Nader is 
“the greatest man in America.” 

“I don't know where I fit in,” he says. 
"I'm more thoughtful than most law- 
yers, other than Nader, and I think my 
agenda is broader.” 


In ten minutes Spence will be live on 
CNBC, broadcasting Gerry Spence from 
ing room inside the log castle at 
Singing Trees. 

It’s Friday evening, and a truck with 
antennas and a satellite dish is parked by 
the side of the house, as it is every week 
in preparation for the regular broadcast 
at 7:30 рм. Eastern time. CNBC is based. 
in Fort Lee, New Jersey and Spence was 
asked to fly in to broadcast from the stu- 
dio. No way, he said. You come to me. 

The Spence who greets me at the door 
this time is made for TV. He's sporting 
the buckskin fringe and a black turtle- 
neck, but he’s still wearing the well-worn 
sweatpants and the $ cheese run- 

g shoes. Spence is in a jocular mood, 
juiced up for the show. We chat about 
Bill Clinton’s visit to Jackson Hole in Au- 
gust, and I ask what he thinks of the 
president. 

“I have doubts about somebody who 
plays 280 holes of golf in Jackson Hole 
while the world is in turmoil, babies are 
starving, families are homeless and men 
are dying at war. Golf has ruined more 


good men than whiskey.” 

It’s 60 seconds to showtime. Larry 
King introduced Spence to the camera 
when King started his CNN show years 
ago. Spence was his third guest, after 
Mario Cuomo and Pat Buchanan. “We 
knew right away he was special,” says 
King. "He's such a character they should 
do a sitcom about him, Spence for the De- 
fense. He would play himself. No one else 
could play him.” 

As Spence is about to go live, Imaging 
makes her entrance. She's a tiny woman 
dressed in black. Her hair is jet black 
and semispiked. Her cheekbones are 
high, her lips are full, but it's her blue 
eyes that captivate. Imaging quickly 
walks over to Spence and applies some 
rouge to his face. "Perfect, honey, thank 
you," he says. She takes her seat just to 
the right of the camera, so that when 
Spence looks toward the lens, he can fo- 
cus on Imaging. 

As usual, Spence welcomes his viewing 
audience to his weekly fireside chat with 
a short homily on the natural wonders of 
Jackson Hole. He presents his guest, 
Roy Black, the defense attorney famous 
for getting William Kennedy Smith ac- 
quitted of rape. Black is in Miami and 
appears on a split screen. He is one of a 
host of high-priced defense attorneys 
whom Spence has showcased. Before 
Black, Spence brought on Albert Krieger, 
lawyer to mobster John Gotti 

It sometimes seems as if Spence wants 
to use his show to rehabilitate the entire 
legal profession. On one segment he 
asks: “Do you think all defense lawyers 
are sleazy?” With Roy Black he tries to 
explain the Simpson verdict as a valida- 
tion of the American judicial system. 

Before every commercial break he 
puts on a folksy grin, holds his hand up 
to the camera, slowly bends his thumb 
up and down and says: "Don't touch that 
clicker. If you do, I'll be sad.” 

A minute before he goes off the air, 
Spence bids goodbye to Roy Black and 
doses with a minisermon. He smiles, the 
timbre of his voice drops and he delivers 
a homily on the subject of banishment. 
He explains how the Indians punished 
people by banishing them. How horrible 
it is that “we” have banished entire seg- 
ments of our society, he says, implying 
that African Americans, especially, have 
been banished. 

"Don't do it,” he begs. "Don't banish 
your children, don't banish your neigh- 
bors. Don't banish the man on the high- 
way. You have the power. That's it for me 
tonight. Goodbye.” Imaging, Spence 
and I gather for a quick critique. “Do 
you think I'm preaching?" he asks me. 

“Do you want to?” I ask. 

“Well, you can't help yourself,” says 
Imaging. 

“I guess 1 am," he 
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Requiring about as much floor space as the average treadmill, 

the Sky Walker simulates a natural walking motion. To get moving, 

you stand on the suspended platforms, grip the arm bars and start 


swinging. Upper- and lower-body resistance can be adjusted inde 
pendently, allowing you to tailor your workout levels. A program- 
mable control console displays elapsed time, speed and distance, 
as well as calories burned and calculated pulse rate. Best of all, 
your feet remain stationary through the entire workout, so the 
Sky Walker eliminates shock to the ankles, knees and lower back. 


If you want your exercise to seem more like an amusement park ride, hop aboard the Reebok Sky Walker. This total-body conditioner com- 


bines a no-impact walking motion with adjustable upper- and lower-body resistance to optimize your workout. A progr: 
workout levels, calories burned and other info. The 380-pound machine even has room for a water bottle, by Sport Spe 


console displays 
ic (about $5000). 


Where & How to Buy on page 185. 


GRAPEVINE 


Ruffles and Flourishes 

ANGELIE ALMENDARE is featured in Pamela Anderson's new 
movie Barb Wire (and not surprisingly on Baywatch and Bay- 
watch Nights) and in Space Jam with Michael Jordan. Now An- 
gelie's jamming with us. 


We 
Cheer for 
Sheer 


Actress PRISCILLA 
BARNES is wearing 
one of our favorite 
see-through dress- 
es. She's come a 
long way from the 
days of Three’s 
Company. She first 
played a lesbian in 
Erotique and more 
recently she was 
a stripper in The 
Crossing Guard. 
Our guard is down. 


Shirt Alert 
Actor JOHN MALKOVICH is starring in Portrait of a Lady 
with Nicole Kidman as well as in Mulholland Falls with 
Nick Nolte and Melanie Griffith. He's also appearing in a 
play in Chicago. No starch needed. 


Roll Over Beethoven 
It's the 40th anniversary of LITTLE RICHARD’s 


Long Tall Sally. He's on tour in the U.S. and Europe, 
celebrating. Havin’ some fun tonight. 


Kelly's Got 
a Leg Up 
KELLY COLLINS has been 
spotted in a music video 
for Tommy Boy, on Bay- 
watch and Silk Stalkings 
and in the movie Miss 
Firecracker. It’s real- 
© ly no contest: Kelly 

4 | is explos 


Fresh Grass 
The English lads in SUPERGRASS know how 
to harmonize. If you haven't already checked 
out I Should Coco, do it before their next CD 
arrives. These boys have done their Beatles 
homework. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 


Pole Vault 
From JENNIFER MAC DONALD's days as a lin- 
guist in the Army to her roles in the CD-ROM 
Wing Commander Ш and her recent movie, 
Headless Body in Topless Bar, she hasn't 
picked conventional jobs. Amen to that. 


FOUR-WHEEL 
WHIFT 


James Bond would 
love Griot's Garage. 
Not only does this 
mail-order company in 
‘Tacoma, Washington 
stock the same USAG 
tools that the Ferrari 
Formula I team uses 
($549 for a Rally Driv- 
€r's Metric Set), but it 
also is the source for a 
men’s cologne named 
Motor Oil. (It's $39.95 
for a four-ounce bottle 
with an aluminum 
shift-knob stopper.) 
And the set of five 
36"x 94" Jesse 
Alexander racing 
photos gracing the 
wall behind our mod- 
el is just $75. In addi- 
tion, there are deluxe 
car-care kits and the 
same fancy storage 
cabinets used by Team 
McLaren, plus much 
more. Call 800-345- 
5789 to order or to re- 
ceive a free catalog. 


ALL ABOARD FOR MADISON COUNTY 


The Madison County Zephyr will be pulling out of Chicago every other 
Monday, May through October, for a five-day trip to the very spots and 
landscape immortalized by Robert James Waller, Clint Eastwood and 
Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County. Even if visiting a quilt 
factory isn’t your idea of romance, your time aboard the vintage Forties 
train definitely will be. Sleeping accommodations are Pullman-style. 
There are cocktails in the club car and candlelit dinners in the diner. 
Price: $695 per person, including meals on the train, two nights in a 
Des Moines hotel suite and more. Call 800-543-2846 for additional 

176 information. But hurry—the train is booking up fast. 


POTPOURRI 


A REAL CORKER 


The Cork Ratchet was invented by a 
Spanish winemaker to eliminate the 
problem of crumbling and broken corks. 
Its secret is the jacking mechanism, which 
pulls the cork straight out of the bottle 
instead of at an angle. The Cork Ratchet 
features a foil cutter and a bottle open- 
er—and it fits in your pocket. Price: $20 
from Sierra Housewares at 312-522-5600. 


ASTICK IN TIME 


Francis Monek has cornered the market 
on walkingsticks: His collection exceeds 
5000. The most interesting ones—from 
antique weapon canes to gadget canes to 
models made from bulls’ penises—are 
pictured in Monek's Canes Through the 
Ages, a coffee-table book marketed by 
Schiffer Publishing for $83. If you have 
an urge to splurge after viewing the hun- 
dreds of sticks, there's a list of stores that 
sell canes. Call 610-593-1777 to order. 


YO-YOS GOING UP 


Dr. Tom Kuhn has elevated the yo-yo to a high- 
er plane. His SB-2 ball-bearing aluminum 
model pictured here has recorded a sleep time 
of 92 seconds and a rim speed of more than 
100 mph. Price: $93.50, including a manual 
full of tricks. Other styles are the No Jive three- 
in-one yo-yo made of hard maple ($23.50) and 
the Roller Woody ($43.50), which has been de- 
scribed as “the Stradivarius of yo-yos.” Call 800- 
879-6967 to order. Kuhn's catalog is $1. 


COCK OF THE TALK 


There are glow-in-the-dark 
condoms and flavored con- 
doms, so it should come as no 
surprise that an innovative 
fellow named Marc Snyder 
has invented a talking con- 
dom. It works like this: Slide 
your thumbnail down the 
recorded side of the talking- 
condom strip and you'll hear 
the condom say, “You turn 
me on!” or "Let's have a par- 
ty" or any of eight alterna- 
tives. The price: $5 each or 
$25 for six, sent to Marc Sny- 
der Co., PO. Box 10796, 
Oakland, California 94610. 


THOSE FARAWAY PLACES 


Original luggage labels are becoming collector's items. Miscella- 
neous Man, a dealer in original posters and other ephemera, has 
cornered the market. It offers a set of 50 mint-condition stickers 
from the Thirties to the Fifties for $105, including a certificate of 
authenticity. Most are European, but Bolivia, Tangier and Beirut 
were also represented in the batch we checked. Call 800-647- 
0069 to order 
and to ask how 
to obtain MM's 
poster cata- 
logs, or write 
to PO. Box 
1776, New E 
Freedom, VIVE LA DIFFERENCE 
Pennsylvania 
17349. Subjects 
range from 
vintage films 
to the world 
wars. Prices: 
from $2 to $12. 


Citroën may have stopped manufacturing its 
famous 2CV in 1990, but the chance of your 
finding an ugly duckling is excellent if you con- 
tact David Allen. Known worldwide as Mr. 2CV, 
he specializes in scouring the world for used 
Deux Chevauxs, which have an average price 
of about $8000. He charges a finder's ісе that 
begins at $150. (FYI: A 2CV gets about 50 
miles per gallon and its top speed isn’t much 
higher) Call Allen at 770-939-9864 for info. 


TEDDY BARES 


“Classic Fifties cheesecake 
with Nineties flair” is how 
‘Ted Kimer's airbrush artwork 
has been described. Now 
some of his best work is in- 
дидей in Teddy Girls: The Pin- 
Up Art of Ted Kimer, a limited- 
edition boxed set of 36 
collectible trading cards. 
Jacquelin Smith Designs іп 
St. Petersburg, Florida sells 
the set for $17. (An included 
bonus card is a photograph 
of Kimer’s model, Kelly 
Stevens.) Other limited-edi- 
tion pin-up sets are available 
from Smith, too (813-525- 
1769). Check them out. 


178 


SUPERMODELS 


NEXT MONTH 


PLAYBOY MUSIC 


MUSIC SPECTACULAR—PUMP UP THE VOLUME FOR OUR 
COAST-TO-COAST LOWDOWN ON ROCKERS, GADGETS AND 
TUNES. START WITH THE RESULTS OF PLAYBOY'S 1996 
JAZZ & ROCK POLL AND CHECK OUT: 


COLLEGE RADIO—IN THE WORLD OF UNDERGROUND 
FREQUENCIES, THE GUYS WHO USED TO BE CAMPUS 
NERDS ARE NOW MUSIC KINGPINS. ARE THEY SELLING OR 
SELLING OUT?—ARTICLE BY MARK JANNOT — ; 


ALANIS MORISSETTE THE HOTTEST YOUNG SINGER ON 
THE ROCK SCENE HAS THE ENERGY OF KUWAIT AND 
THE GRAMMY NOMINATIONS TO PROVE IT—ARTICLE BY 
CHARLES M. YOUNG 


SUPERMODELS—YOU NAME THEM, WE HAVE THEM— 
CINDY CRAWFORD, ELLE MACPHERSON, CLAUDIA SCHIF- 
FER, KATE MOSS, NAOMI CAMPBELL 


PLAYBOY'S BASEBALL PREVIEW—OUR SOOTHSAYER 
SPOTS THE HITS. CALLS THE FOUL BALLS AND PREDICTS 
THE SERIES WINNER FOR THE NEW SEASON. YES, BASE- 
BALLIS COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD—BY KEVIN COOK 


MASTER STORYTELLER RAY BRADBURY HAS CONQUERED 
THE WORLDS OF BOOKS, SHORT STORIES, MOVIES AND TY. 


ELECTRA 


ONE OF THE MOST INVENTIVE MINDS IN LITERATURE TELLS 
THE AMAZING TALES HE CAN'T PUT IN HIS FICTION— 
ABOUT LIFE, POLITICS, CRIME AND SOCIETY—IN A STAR- 
TLING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY KEN KELLEY 


TERMINATION DUST—AUCTIONING OFF WOMEN IN THE 
ALASKAN BOONDOCKS LEADS TO A MOST UNEXPECTED 
CONCLUSION—FICTION BY T. CORAGHESSAN BOYLE 


LOU DOBBS—CNN'S FINANCIAL HOST SINGS THE PRAISES 
OF REPORTING A BULL MARKET, THE PAIN OF PLAYING 
FOOTBALL FOR HARVARD AND HOW TO TALK TO TED TUR- 
NER IN A RIVETING 200—BY WARREN KALBACKER 


ROCK STARS AND SUPERMODELS—BILLY AND CHRISTIE, 
TOMMY AND PAMELA, RIC AND PAULINA. FIRST IT WAS A 
FLUKISH MATING OR TWO, THEN IT BECAME A NATIONAL 
PASTIME. DON'T MISS OUR ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF STAR- 
CROSSED BLOODLINES BY CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 


PLUS: THE HITMAKERS—THE DISC JOCKEYS AND A&R 
GUYS WHO BUST THE CHARTS, AUDIO TOYS OF THE 
STARS, BRINGING BACK THE TURNTABLE (WE DO), CAR- 
MEN ELECTRA (THE LATEST DISCOVERY OF THE ARTIST 
FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE), ROCK-AND-ROLL FASHION 
AND GEARING UP FOR A MAN'S SPRING 


W ID Е p POE, Y SLED ШЫ T 


GEOFFREY BEENE PARFUMS 


owling Gree 


3 


16 mg “tar,” 1.1 mg nicotina ву per cigarette bY ‚ 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1995