Skip to main content

Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats 


PLA! 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN 


шн" 
oOPECIAL 
15505 


| 05 


о 300955 0 | 


кс. 


оғ ws 
16 mg "ta 11 mg jarette by FIC mi 217% 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Make your feet forget they Ж at all. They're 
di only work Boots with a 30- -day money-back guarantee 
for comfort, And they're available in 6", 8", Steel Toes and 
s “Wellingtons, For a dealer near you, call 1-800-543-2668. 
a, THE WORLD'S MOST COMFORTABLE BOOTS 


tented Compression Pads Cushion Your Foot on Impact. 


WOLVERINE BOOTS & OUTDOOR FOOTWEAR SINCE 1883 


`© 1994 Wolverine World Wide, Inc., Rockford, MI 49351 


PLAYBILL 


IN THIS ISSUE, we look at two tectonic movements of our cul- 
ture: pop music and the cult of supermodels. Playboy Music 
1996 features our readers’ poll (Hootie is this year's big fish) 
and examines a global industry that keeps the hits coming— 
sometimes despite itself. Take Alonis Morissette (but return her, 
please). As Charles Young rclates in Alanis Morissette Is a Big Deal, 
she was the surprise star of last year with her harrowing single 
about sexual betrayal, You Oughta Know. Young wishes her 
more success—not more jerky boyfriends. To find new talent 
before it finds them, record labels are turning to college radio. 
In The Rise of Radio U. (art by John Craig), Mark Jannot intro- 
duces junior air jocks who are more than ham radio operators 
with degrees. Thanks to Associate Editor Barbara Nellis for 
pulling together our coverage. 

Between rock and a hard body: These days, musicians and. 
models interbreed as if in a genetic experiment gone awry. As- 
sociate Editor Christopher Napolitano has recorded how they 
trade licks in The Social History of Rock Stars and Supermodels. 
What's in it for the guys? You're kidding, right? Just check out 
our most glamorous pictorial yet: Supermodels. They are all 
here—Cindy, Claudia, Elle and several other gorgeous causes 
of global warming. Equally high voltage are the photos of Car- 
men Electra, a protégée of the once-and-former Prince. We 
wrap our package with superstar threads in Rockin’ Fashion, 
then Glenn Kenny reviews surround-sound systems in Sound 
Advice. 

Now for a different kind of speaker: For more than a year, 
Newt Gingrich has been the ringmaster of the Republican's big 
top. How’s his show so far? We asked syndicated columnist 
Molly Ivins for a critical review—and she reveals that Newt's 
tongue is as dangerous as Bob Packwood's. Ivins, who just 
joined the 60 Minutes team, is a barbecue of a read. Perhaps a 
novelist's impact is never so overt as a politician's, but Ray 
Bradbury's influence is vast. He heralded the space age with 
The Martian Chronicles and fought McCarthyism with Fahren- 
heit 451, His dramatic, futuristic stories have shaped today’s 
science fiction movies and TV shows. Always a friend, Brad- 
bury charmed us again for this month’s soulful Interview with 
Ken Kelley. Bradbury expresses his hope for the future and his 
disdain for political correctness and bureaucrats. 

To plan for your personal future, you can either watch 
financial reporter Lou Dobbs on CNN's Moneyline or read this 
month's 20 Questions by Warren Kalbacker. Dobbs says the mar- 
ket will go higher and explains why he is full of bull. Even if 
derivatives make you shudder, you will enjoy Dobbs’ descrip- 
tion of Ted Turner in tears. 

Moving from the back pocket to the front, you'll find more 
sensational advice from Sari Locker, the media's baby Dr. Ruth. 
Locker answers the most pressing questions faced by her gen- 
eration in Can Friends Do It? (The answer: not really—but rel- 
ative strangers can.) Kenny Scharf, renowned pal of Andy 
Warhol and Keith Haring, did the plugged-in artwork. In this 
month's fiction, T. Coraghessan Boyle also takes on the mating 
game—in Alaska. Termination Dust is the story of a hundred 
single women, a lot of single men and a Romeo with no feet. 

It’s enough to make you turn to baseball—at least you know 
the rules. In Playboy's 1996 Baseball Preview, designated writer 
Kevin Cook makes his picks for the World Series. (David Wilcox 
did the illustration.) There's one thing we all agree on—the 
game is back. From the sandlot to Shauna Sands: A striking 
model photographed by Stephen Waydo, Shauna is our Play- 
mate. Call her a Miss May bride—she's marrying Lorenzo 
Lamas of T V's Renegade. Fiwingly, she's bad to the bone. 


LOCKER 


f 
COOK 


WILCOX 


WAYDA 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 1996, volume 43, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Second-class postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Cana- 
da Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: 
Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 43, no. 5—may 1996 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY.............. 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS... 
MUSIC .. 2277 id ma 
MEDIA... -STEPHEN RANDALL 
MOVIES ... BRUCE WILLIAMSON 
VIDEO . ues, Meo S КК n 
STYLE... FE", ЕЗ 
BOOKS. ...... DIGBY DIEHL 
MENE REE EE ASA BABER اسای ام ی‎ 
МОМЕНМ............. acc to o o CYNTHIA HEIMEL 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM ................... Т ы. 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: RAY BRADBURY—candid conversatian. . 
CAN FRIENDS БОП?--огИсіз.......................................... 


ELECTRA—pictorial . 

NEWT—playboy profil A 

ROCKIN’ FASHION—fashion Ro -..НОШ5 WAYNE 
PLAYBOY'S 1996 BASEBALL PREVIEW—sports ............ ...... KEVIN COOK 


PLAYBOY GALLERY: DEBRA JO FONDREN . 
SOUND ADVICE—home audio. 

MUSIC TO THEIR EARS . "M AA NS AUTE а атты 
THE RISE OF RADIO U.—artice..... . a MARK JANNOT 
RENEGADE BRIDE—playboy's playmate of the month ... 
PARTY JOKES—humor ,............. 


THE SOCIAL HISTORY OF 
ROCK STARS AND SUPERMODELS—article. ..... . CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO. 


TABLE STAKES—modern living . 
PLAYMATE REVISITED: CYNTHIA MYERS . een 
TERMINATION DUST—fiction ................... T. CORAGHESSAN BOYLE 
SUPERMODELS—pictorial . 
PLAYBOY MUSIC 1996—artice ECS AT EES 
ALANIS MORISSETTE IS A BIG DEAL—article . +... CHARLES M. YOUNG 
20 QUESTIONS: LOU DOBBS 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 


GLENN KENNY 


Diamond Preview 


COVER STORY 
You know these women on a first-name basis—Cindy, Claudio, Stephonie, 
Elle, Kote. This month, алох takes o lock atine мон йор cover girls os they 
drop their covers and show us something extra. We extend our speciol thanks 
to Dana Fineman of Sygmo for our cover shot of premium supermodel Cindy 
Crawford. As you con see, our Rabbit has no inhibitions—he loves to neck. 


GENERAL OFFICES PLAYBOY. вво NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE. CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY YO RETURN UNSOLICITED EDITORIAL OR GRAPHIC OR OTHER MA 


DE JULIO DE 1893. EXPEDIDOS POR LA COMISION CALIFICADORA OF PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUSTRADAS DEPENDIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACIÓN, MEXICO, RESERVA DE TITULO EN 
pos 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


PLAYBOY 


©1996 Payboy 


visis 


ORDER TOLL-FREE 
800-423-9494 


Charge to your Visa, MasterCard, Optime, American 
Express or Discover. Most orders shipped within 48 
hours. (Source code; 60056) 


There is a $4.00 skipping and handling charge par total order, 
Minois residents Include 6.75% sales tm Canadian residents 
plaasa Include an addtional $3.00 per video. Sorry, no other 
forelgn orders or currency aceapted, 


PLAYBOY Y 


Girls of t 
INTERNET 
510% 


CYBERSPACE: 
Нет #ES1698V 


The Final 
Frontier! 
itch an unforgattable ride on tha infor- 
mation suparhighway with this exciting 
erotic trip through cyberspaca. Your 
joumey bagins with a voyeuristic viaw of out- 
rageous sexual antics as 15 of the Intemat's 
most sensual beautias completaly lose thalr 
inhibitions and provide a cybersexual feast for 
tha eyes. It's an uncansored, adults-oniy look 
at today's hottast form of media, and only 
Playboy can bring tt to you quite like this! 
Approx. 55 min. 


ORDER BY MAIL 
Use your credit card and be sure to Include your 
account number and expiration date. Or enclose а 
check or money order payable to Playboy. Май to 
Playboy, PO, Box 809, Dept. 60066, Itasca, Minois 
60143-0809. 


Also available at your local music and video stores. 


©1996 Playboy 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY execulive editor 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL, 

ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; FICTION: 
ALICE K TURNER editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PF 
TERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE assistant 
editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edi- 
tor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; STAFF: BRUCE 
KLUGER senior editor; CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO. 
BARBARA NELLIS associate edilors; FASHION: 
HOLLIS WAYNE director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES 
assistant editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY 
editor; COPY: LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN 
BUSHMAN assistant editor; ANNE SHERMAN copy 
associate; CAROLYN BROWNE. REMA SMITH senior 
researchers; LEE BRAUER, SARI WILSON researchers; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, KEVIN 
COOK, GRETCHEN EDGREN. LAWRENCE GROREL. KEN 
GROSS (automotive). CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WILLIAM 
HELMER, WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE 
MORGENSTERN, REG POTTERTON, DAVID RENSIN. 
DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, MORGAN STRONG, 
BRUCE WILLIANSON (MOVIES) 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENEK associate director; ANN SEIDL supervi- 
sor, heyline/pasteup; РАЛ, CHAN, MAIRE KENNEDY 
ant assistants 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR- 
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; тат" 
BEAUDET associate editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, 
nern MULLINS assistant editors; DAVID CHAN. 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUI. 
DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR 
STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photographers; 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; TIM HAWKINS manager, 
photo services; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU photo 
archivist 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS direcior; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION. JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate managers 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ERNIE RENZULLI advertising director; JUDY BERK- 
ovriz national projects director; кім 1. TINTO 


sales director, eastern region; IRV KORNBLAU mar- 
keting director; LSA NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER- 
RONES rights € permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


You always read the sports 
section first. 
Then you read it again. 


You know every siat and 
every college of every player 
in every league. 


You considered naming your 
kid Mickey. 


Your baseball card collection 
includes every rookie of the 
year since 1954. 


You spent your honeymoon 
at a sports fantasy camp. 


m 


Welcome home 


than you can get with cable or that mid-sized dish. With DIRECTV sports packages you can follow your 
favorite out-of-town pro team and catch the action of your favorite college teams (blackout restrictions 
apply). All with digital picture and sound. DIRECTV. America's premiere sports programming service. 


c» For more information call 1-800-392-4388 


DIRECTV. 


SATELLITE TV AT ITS BEST 


Mother Gert Boyle, Chairman, 
Columbia Sportswear 


Not all 
wicked 


witches are 
afraid 


of water. 


The Hunstein РагКа with its breatheable, 
waterproof Omni-Tech" coating, is the 
ultimate weapon against HO. Made with 
our 100% nylon Diamond Rip” shell fabric, 
it’s fully seam sealed and offers double center-front storm flaps for added protection. The roll-away hood 
has a neoprene bill. The pockets vent away moisture. And the cuffs are adjustable with hook and loop 


Со Columbia closures, In other words, Dorothy’ future looks very, very bleak. Call 1-800-MA BOYLE 
0 


Sportswear Company for the dealer nearest you. Or, check out our web-site. http:/www.columbia.com/ 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


MICHAEL JACKSON 
Why is it that everyone wants to kick 
Michael Jackson when he's down? I get 
tired of reading tripe like Joe Queenan's 
Memo to Michael Jackson (February). Mi- 
chael is a gifted artist and performer 
who has given more to society than the 
people who try to deface his image. I 
don't get the joke. 
Lee Hanson 
Sequim, Washington 


Now that Joe Queenan is writing for 
PLAYBOY, don't ever let him go. We love 
his humor. 

Paula and Don Hassler 
Phoenix, Arizona 


Queenan believes that Michael Jack- 
son has lost his touch, but the day he can 
show me an entertainer who compares 
to Michael, I'll pose nude for your cen- 
terfold, free. 

Marguerite De Lisa 
Staten Island, New York 


ZAPPED 
Although I have never been an admir- 
er of muscular women, I changed my 
mind after one look at Raye Hollitt's pic- 
torial (Zap, February). She is both grace- 
ful and feminine. Add my name to her 
list of fans. 
German Vanegas 
Houston, Texas 


Zap is the sexiest lady you've ever fea- 
tured. She proves that femininity is not 
synonymous with weakness. I hope you 
have plans for an encore. 

Grant Miller II 
Birmingham, Alabama 


I wanna be Zapped! 
Mike Bernier 
Bangor, Maine 


I have long been a fan of female body- 
builders, and from the early days of 
American Gladiators, Y have been in love 


with this amazing woman. I was thrilled 
to see Zap's great pictorial in the Febru- 
ary issue. 
Jason Camp 
insomnia@io.com 
Greeley, Colorado 


The search for the Holy Grail is over 
for me. Raye Holliu is che hottest woman 
of all time. 

Gary Cain 
Wilmington, Delaware 


LOVE HER, LOVE HER NOT 
Courtney Love (Love Hurts, February) 
is a spotlight-grabbing, low-talent Ma- 
donna wannabe. If only her mommy 
had told her she was a good little girl, 
perhaps we wouldn't have to suffer 
through her antics. 
Russell Cardwell 
Summerville, South Carolina 


Neal Karlen's comparison of Courtney 
Love to Jackie Kennedy is completely off 
the wall. Kennedy was a lady. 

Wes Pierce 
Orlando, Florida 


BRUCE WILLIS 
Bruce Willis popularity is no accident 
(Playboy Interview, February). He's not 
only a good actor, he's also the kind of 
guy you'd like to have playing on your 
bowling team. 
David Croonquist 
Lancaster, California 


Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are 
white trash. No amount of monetary 
success in Hollywood can transform 
them into anything more. 

Sheila Guckenberger 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


Iloved your interview with Willis, but 
he is wrong about one thing. I would 
vote for him if he were a politician, and 
so would many of the teachers here at 
his old elementary school. Tell him that 


WHOLESALE En 
Dart & 
Billiard 
Supplies 


Discover all the pool and 

dart supplies you need in our 
bigger-than-ever 164-page 
color catalog. Save money on 
our huge selection of supplies, 
clothing and gift items, all at 
wholesale prices! 

Shop and save in the comfort 
of your home, 24 hours a day, 
7 days a week! 


Call today for your free catalog: 


800-627-8888 


MUELLER 


INC. 


Po send requests to: 
Dept. 7 
4825 S 16 
Lincoln NE 68512 


Find exactly what you're looking (5 = 
and save money too! 


ya! love how our detailed product descriptions, 

exclusive comparison charts, and belpful buying 

advice make it easy to shop. All those technical 
terms are explained in the simple 
language that's helped make 
Crutchfield famous. 
You won't believe 


Discoutsonmgjor the Selection — 


brands win nkamatın Or the savings! 
lole yuu spend | Virtually every major 
o brand. Hundreds of 


components at great prices so you can get 
a better stereo without spending more! 


Call now for your free copy! qus 
Discover how easy it is to shop and ‘and igh шеше 
save from the comfort of home. Saens, tt 


г 1-800-955-9009 | 


24 hours a day, 7 days a week 


1 
i CRUTCHFIELD 


1 Crutchfield Park, Dept. PL, Chariottesville, VA 22906 
LL. Beek out our Weh ste at рм сїй ют g 


PLAYBOY 


the next time he comes to town, the staff 
at Carleton School would love to treat 
him to lunch. 
Wendy Baral Cooper 
Penns Grove, New Jersey 


COVER 
Sandra Taylor, Traci Adell and Cather- 

ine Shaw all on one cover (February)! 
Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you. 
Oh yeah, that Leslie what's-his-name is 
OK, too. 

Ryan Price 

Santa Rosa, California 


NIELSEN RATINGS 
The Leslie Nielsen pictorial (Naked. 
Nielsen, February) is awful. It's not only 
preadult, it’s also precollege and рге- 
high school. 
Larry Lowenthal 
Cooper City, Florida 


Naked Nielsen is hilarious, but it would 
have been interesting to see how you 
would have done him up with Anne 
Francis and Robby the Robot from For- 
bidden Planet, a truly great science fiction 
flick for which Nielsen will be remem- 
bered forever, clothed or not. 

Walter Briggs 
Alexandria, Louisiana 


RAW DATA 
According to your February Raw Data, 
98 percent of female respondents to a 
Glamour survey claimed that "their male 
partners didn't know when they faked 
orgasms.” This undermines the myopic 
view of the 38 percent who claimed 
“their partners would be devastated if 
they knew” that they faked it. I say just 
fake it faster, please. I've got some real 
work to do. 
Raymond Hughes 
Claremont, New Hampshire 


REPORTER’S NOTEBOOK 
Robert Scheer has missed a crucial 

point about Nineties race relations in 
“Integration: The Big Lie” (February). 
He points out that in one survey many 
whites believe that African Americans 
are faring better than whites in jobs, ed- 
ucation and health care but then says 
that the opposite is true. What Scheer 
has missed is that this perception of ad- 
vantage is based on a never-ending bar- 
rage of assistance programs for which 
blacks are eligible. Asa young Caucasian 
graduate student, I won't apologize for 
any resentment 1 feel as 1 watch oppor- 
tunities dance out of my reach. 

M. Todd Scott 

Portland, Oregon 


ALOHA 
First there was the Kona Coast—one 
of the best places on earth to visit. Then 
there was Kona coffee—one of the most. 
delicate and flavorful brews to drink. 


10 And now there is Kona Carmack—one 


of the finest-looking women ever to have 
graced the pages of eravnov (Aloha, Kona, 
February). 

Charles Hoff 

"Thousand Oaks, California 


Forget the goddess Pele. There is a 
brand-new goddess in Hawaii: Her 
name is Kona and she certainly has a fire 
all her own. 


Chadd Cranford 
Dallas, Texas 


Kona's hotter than a Hawaiian vol- 
cano. It comes as no surprise that her 
name means "never weary.” God knows, 
I never weary of looking at this gorgeous 
woman. 

Mark Rogers 
South Hackensack, New Jersey 


I've been to Hawaii nine times, and 
you have given me a good reason to 


make my tenth trip. I might see Kona 

somewhere on my beloved islands. 
Mayland Harriman 
utainer@aol.com 
Port Arthur, Texas 


With this Kona no sugar is needed. 
She percolates with sensuality. 
Glenn Leibel 

Westchester, New York 


Kona Carmack is a breath of fresh air 
for many of us here at Ohio University. 
Send her a huge Bobcat hello. 
Jeff Crass 
Athens, Ohio 


MEN 

Asa Baber's column (“Just the Facts,” 
February) reminds me of a recent con- 
versation I had with my roommate. We 
are both in our early 20s and come from 
broken homes. We both spent an appre- 
ciable amount of time without our fa- 
thers. We agree that children of divorce 


are far less likely to inflict that kind of 
pain and suffering upon their own chil- 
dren. Baber is right on target: It’s vital- 
ly important for men to regain our lost 
status as partners in the rearing of our 
children. 

Brion Thomas 

Camp Lejeune, North Carolina 


Once again Asa Baber comes through 
with a great column. His research 
strengthens my belief that men have a 
profound impact on the lives of chil- 
dren. Only through the teaching of 
Judeo-Christian morals and values can 
America’s men rebuild this nation’s fam- 
ilies and commu 


jes. 
Michael Schroeder 
Montgomery, Illinois 


Let's face it: Some people have no 
business having children, whether they 
want them or not. If they don't think 
they have the means to raise a child, 
there's a safe and legal abortion clinic 
up the road. 

Rocky Hanrahan 

Wilmington, Massachusetts 


WOMEN 
If Cynthia Heimel ("Му Life As a 

Man," February) had taken her medica- 
tion as prescribed by her doctor, she 
would have experienced its benefits 
rather than the unpleasant reactions she 
wrote about. 

Karl Meuger 

Panama City Beach, Florida 


The day the February issue arrived in 
the mail, 1 was feeling a Іше depressed. 
Then 1 read Heimel's column. I laughed 
until I cried. Thanks so much for cheer- 
ing me up. 
Dan Schuler 
DCSxxx@aol.com 
Lisle, Illinois 


HARRY WU 
It’s great that you published an inter- 
view with the real Man of the Year, Har- 
ry Wu (20 Questions, February). He had 
the courage to disclose the unfair advan- 
tage that China has in trading with 
America. He's a guy with cojones. 
Luis Sanchez 
Miami, Florida 


BLACK WATER, DEEP CANYON 
I have spent many vacations and 
weekends hiking and four-wheeling in 
the canyonlands of Utah, and I have on- 
ly six words for Mark Jenkins (Febru- 
ary): You're damned stupid and damned 
lucky. It is magnificent country, but you 
had better respect it and understand 
what happens when it rains. 
Bruce Florquist 
Rawlins, Wyoming 


brewed 

from 
the heart 

of the hops. 

A beer with 
heart that 

goes down easy. 


New Miller Beer. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


= > к 
- e 
1 -а| 
| ~ = 


% 


vy 


Gish АИДА ТТЫ | 


A Camel Cash, 


Save $25 on 
tmaster" tickets. 


Im not just talkin’ concerts. With 
these $25 gift certificates, you 
ld save on tickets to just 
about any Ticketmaster” event. 
it only takes 100 Camel 
-Notes to get one. You 
ly find this deal in the 
Ckin' Road Trip Catalog, 
latest from Camel Gash. 
o get it free, go to wherever 
you buy your smokes, оғ 
1-800-CAMELCASH: 

(That's 1-800-226-3522.) 


one 


c iASTE 


БІН CERTIFICATES ARE NONREFUNDABLE, MONTRANSFERABLE AND NOT REDEEMABLE FOR CAS. 
OFFER RESTRICTED TO SMOKERS 21 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER. 
КШ TO ANY EVENT SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY, ЕЕ CAMEL CASH ROCKIN ROAD TRIP CATALOG FOR DETAILS. 
1 mg. "tar", 09 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


© 1996 8.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


MAY THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN 


The students at Miami University іп 
Oxford, Ohio have taken matters into 
their own hands. The university finally 
recognized the Miami U. Masturbation 
Society—by permitting the coed group 
to use university facilities for its meet- 
ings. Whether student activity funds— 
those most-easy-to-come-by dollars—will 
be forthcoming is unclear. Jason Pfaff, 
executive supreme dictator of the soci- 
ety, says he's planning a mixer, the Bring 
Your Own Kleenex Dance. "It's the only 
social where you don't need a date." 


NIPPONESE NAPPERS 


"There is a hotel in Tokyo that caters 
exclusively to the nap trade. Apparently, 
exhausted and downtrodden executives 
can enter any of several tents set up in a 
large room and take a restorative snooze 
in half-hour increments. Rates for 30 
minutes range from $3 to $6. 


JACKSON POOLLOCK 


When the 50 pieces of art by Keith 
Boadwee were shown at the Ace Con- 
temporary Exhibition in Los Angeles, 
many viewers found his work explosive 
and disturbing. He created his pieces by 
administering enemas of egg tempera 
paint to himself and capturing his erup- 
tions on canvas. A videotape at the 
gallery documented how Boadwee made 
the works and showed him squatting 
over canvases. Was this some kind of 
ironic ode to abstract expressionism? 
Boadwee told Buzz magazine, “1 wanted 
to prove that I can make just as good a 
painting as they can, with my butthole." 


BYRD IS THE WORD 


Visit West Virginia, home of Senator 
Robert C. Byrd, and you'll find an array 
of public pork. Among them: Robert C. 
Byrd Aerospace Technology Center, Rob- 
ert C. Byrd Cancer Research Center, 
Robert C. Byrd Bridge, Robert C. Byrd 
Expressway, Robert C. Byrd Highway, 
Robert C. Byrd Locks and Dam, Robert 
C. Byrd Institute, Robert C. Byrd Insti- 
tute for Advanced Flexible Manufactur- 


ing. Robert C. Byrd Industrial Park, 
Robert C. Byrd Visitor Center at Har- 
pers Ferry National Historical Park, 
Robert C. Byrd Health Sciences Center 
of West Virginia University, Robert C. 
Byrd Hardwood Technology Center, Rob- 
ert C. Byrd Community Center, Robert 
C. Byrd High School, the Robert C. Byrd 
Scholastic Recognition Award and the 
Robert C. Byrd Honors Scholarships. 


BOY NAMED SUE 


William Warren, who is serving a life 
term in Oklahoma's Joseph Harp Cor- 
rectional Center, has accused prison 
officials of cruel and unusual punish- 
ment for making him wear regulation 
white cotton underwear. Warren claims 
to suffer from irritable bowel syndrome 
and is suing for the right to slip into 
something more comfortable around the 
cellblock: women's nylon bikini panties. 
Uh, William, if you think your bowel is 
irritable now. . . . 


SNIFF THIS 


Just what your nose needs: St. Mar- 
tin's Press is marketing a set of 21 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


scratch-and-sniff postcards called New 
York Smells. Each aroma is designed to 
match the picture on the front of the 
card: the Rockefeller Center Christmas 
tree is pine-scented, Katz’ Deli smells 
like salami and the Fulton Fish Market 
makes you wish you hada head cold. Ap- 
parently, the postcard of Times Square 
requires so much scratching, you'll need 
to see a doctor. 


WELCOME TO TERRIZONA 


Bumper sticker spotted on a heavy- 
duty pickup in warm and scenic Brisbee, 
Arizona: IF IT'S CALLED THE TOURIST SEA- 
SON, WHY CAN'T WE SHOOT THEN? 


DUMBER AND DUMBEST 


In their book America's Dumbest Crimi- 
nals, Leland Gregory, Daniel Butler and 
Alan Ray chronicle the misadventures of 
our nation's most moronic masterminds. 
For example, a Rhode Island burglar 
charged with robbing vending machines 
paid his bail with $400 in quarters. Our 
favorite is the jewel thief who replaced 
the standard diamond-tipped glass cut- 
ter with the less conventional cinder 
block. But when he tried to use it to 
smash the Plexiglas window of a jewelry 
store, the cinder block bounced back, hit 
him on the head and knocked him out. 


BARINGS ON THE ROCKS 


Nick Leeson, the currency trader 
whose injudicious bets broke Barings 
Bank, has inspired a drink at Harry's 
Bar in Singapore. The Bank Breaker is a 
mix of whiskey, Midori and soda. It costs 
about $6.50 and, according to some cus- 
tomers, tastes like cough syrup. Well, we 
knew Leeson wasn't looking forward to 
taking his medicine. 


THE KEG PARTY 


Dispatch from our friends in the 
Czech Republic: The Association of 
Friends of Beer, formerly known as the 
Friends of Beer, has joined the Liberal 
National Social Party, and Ivo Dvorak, 
chairman of the Beer Party, became a 


M 


RAW DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


ОЧОТЕ 
"Next year is going 
to be a very impor- 
tant day for us."—A 
TIMELY REMARK BY THE 
MAYOR OF CHICAGO, 
RICHARD M. DALEY 


ATOMIC DUSTBINS 

According to the 
Bulletin of Alomic Sci- 
entists, number of 
states that store nu- 
clear warheads: 16. 
Number of warheads 
in North Dakota, the 
state with the highest 
total: 1710. 


27. Percentage who 
said M&Ms: 24. Per- 
centage who said Jol- 
ly Ranchers: 11. Per- 
centage who said 
Hershey's Kisses: 8. 


ROLL PLAYING 

Average number of 
rolls of toilet paper 
bought by an Ameri- 
can household each 
year: 119. Average 
number of sheets to a 
roll in 1985: 500. To- 
day: 250. In 1995 
percentage of the 
toilet paper marker 


FACT OF THE MONTH controlled by Char- 
GIVING AT According to the Illinois min: 30. By Quilted 
THE OFFICE "Tourism Bureau, the top fiye Northern: 15. By 
Of the 184 largest tourist attractions in Illinois Scott: 14. 
charitable organiza- аге suburban shopping malls. 
tions surveyed by the BOOK “EM 


Chronicle of Philanthropy, number that 
pay their chief executives more than 
$100,000 per year: 154. Number that 
pay their chief executives more than 
$200,000: 83. 


FATAL ATTRACTIONS 

Number of murder stories covered 
on three major networks’ evening 
news from 1990 to 1992: 380. Num- 
ber of murder stories on network 
evening news in 1994: 802. Of these, 
number not related to the O.J. Simp- 
son case: 371. 


LET'S B REAL 

Amount the federal government. 
spends to produce one B-2 bomber, 
which was recently revealed to have 
radar that cannot distinguish a rain 
cloud from a mountainside: $2.2 bil- 
lion. Total number of B-2s built: 20. 
"Weight of an empty B-2: 160,000 
pounds. Cost per pound: $15,714. 
Cost of a pound of 24K gold (at $385 
per troy ounce): $4690. 


А KISS IS JUST A KISS 
According to an Advertising Age sur- 
vey on America Online that asked "If 
you were a candy, which would you 
be?”, percentage of respondents who 
said Cracker Jack: 30. Percentage 
who said pink Bazooka bubble gum: 


Number of books in the Library of 
Congress: 16.4 million. Number of 
volumes missing: 300,000. Number 
of miles of bookshelves in the library: 
500. Number of security guards: 120. 


BOOK “EM II 
Amount borrowed by Americans to 
pay for college in 1992: $16 billion; in 
1995: $24 billion. Percentage of col- 
lege students who have loans: 50. 


LIGHT LABOR 

Peak membership of United Steel- 
workers Union in 1981: 1.2 million. 
In 1995: 600,000. Peak membership 
of United Auto Workers in 1969: 1.53 
million. The UAW's current member- 
ship: 800,000. Peak membership of 
the Machinists Union in 1973: 1 mil- 
lion. Current membership: 484,000. 


THE TYPEWRITING ON THE WALL 
Total sales of typewriters in the 

US. in 1993: $591 million. Total sales 

of personal computers: $6.9 billion. 


LOSING WAGERS 
Percentage increase annually from 
1967 to 1973 in median income of 
Americans: 2.6. Percentage decrease 
annually from 1989 to 1993: 1.8. Me- 
dian income in 1989: $39,696. In 
1993: $36,959. —PAUL ENGLEMAN 


member of the LNSP's Central Coun- 
cil—as befits a man of his political clout. 
The Friends of Beer, to those of you who 
are snickering into your ice-light-pale- 
lager-microbrewed foam, got a full one 
percent of the vote in the 1992 national 
election. 


POP ART 


There are sofi drinks and there are 
not-so-soft drinks, or so thinks Los An- 
geles-based bottling company Skele- 
teens. It has introduced several new 
flavors, including Brain Wash, Fuk Ola 
Cola and Love Potion No. 69. Brain 
Wash is neon blue and makes your 
tongue—and your feces—that way, too. 
At first popular with counterculture 
thrill-seekers such as bikers and coffee- 
house sitters, the drinks are seeping into 
the mainstream. Though the FDA claims 
the drinks are safe, some have gotten a 
slight buzz from them. They do have a 
lot of caffeine, and some contain jala- 
рейо, ginseng, ginkgo, yohimbe or mad- 
dog weed. Skeleteens is also planning a 
dessert made of chocolate ice cream, 
fresh corn and roasted watermelon 
seeds, called Icecrement. 


IT TAKES TUTU TO TANGO 


The Oakland Ballet just wanted to 
beef its gate with the young crowd. In- 
stead, it created a minor fuss when it 
covered 20 area billboards with a picture 
of lithe male and female dancers and the 
message, “Go ahead, take another date 
to miniature golf and die a virgin. Oak- 
land Ballet. You just might like it.” Some 
people objected to the notion that the 
ballet would encourage kids to lose their 
virginity. We find the first and second 
positions dubious, but the ad might put 
zip in reviews; “Truly breathtaking moves. 
And the dancing wasn't bad, either.” 


ELVIS REX 


For your next toga party, consider the 
work of Jukka Ammondt. He's a 45- 
year-old assistant professor of German 
romanticism and the literature of melan- 
choly at the University of Jyvaskyla in 
Finland. But Ammondt is also an Elvis 
scholar who translates the King's most 
beloved songs into Latin. And if that 
weren't enough, he also performs them. 
Audiences at his recent American tour 
(which included a Scandinavian festival 
in North Dakota and a cruise ship that 
circled the Statue of Liberty) were treat- 
ed to Nunc Hic Aut Numquam (Its Now or 
Never), Glauci Calcei (Blue Suede Shoes), 
Totus Potus (Tutti Frutti) and the unforget- 
table Nihil Es Nisi Canis (You Ain't Nothing 
But a Hound Dog). When asked why he 
does this, Ammondt confessed a strong 
affinity for Presley and a desire to pre- 
serve classic Elvis songs in a classic lan- 
guage. His best work is available as 
The Legend Lives Forever in Latin on the 
K-Iel label. 


YAMAHAS EXIST BECAUSE THIS DOESN'T. 


е 


CONSIDER THIS: TOW TRUCKS DON'T FLOAT. 50, BEFORE YOU TAKE THE FAMILY OUT OW y. 
THE LAKE, MAKE SURE YOU'RE ON A VEHICLE THAT WILL TAKE THEM BACK, WITH ITS LARGE Я Шы муғуектіне 11007 
MARINE ENGINE AND INNOVATIVE HULL, THE WAVEVENTURE 1100" PROVIDES A UNIQUE ` > 2 

COMBINATION OF SPEED AND HANDLING THAT'LL HAVE YOU GRABBING FOR THE THROTTLE. 
MOT THE FLARE GUN. FOR THE NEAREST DEALER, CALL 1-800-88-YAMAHA. 
THEY DO THINGS OTHER WATERCRAFT DON'T. 


ALS. ALWAYS wean akcomtnnen riorterivt arranco, oor rosis an miae, WAV ERUNNERS 


MUSIC 


R&B 


к. KELLY is a star of contemporary R&B. 
As a gifted singer, songwriter and pro- 
ducer, his first two albums were both 
platinum successes. He composed You 
Are Not Alone, arguably the best song on 
Michael Jackson's HIStory. Yet the 
Chicagoan's work has often been marred 
by weak lyrics and bouts of bad taste that 
would make even Luther Campbell 
blush. On his self-titled third effort, 
в. Kelly (Jive), he tones down his Iyrical 
excesses. Sull, as song titles Tempo Slow, 
Hump Bounce and Religious Love suggest, 
Kelly is no poet. No, this man's primary 
gift is for silky, caressing backing tracks. 
There is а sensuousness to Kelly's ap- 
proach that offsets his strident vocals, 
which alternate between the gruff ca- 
dences of a preacher and the cool tim- 
bres ofa truc love-man balladcer. It's ap- 
propriate, then, that the standout track 
of this 16-cut collection is Down Low (No- 
body Has to Know), a song with Ronnie 
and Ernest Isley, who have long special- 
ized in singing about love and lust. 

— NELSON GEORGE 


The soundtrack for Weiting to Exhale 
(Arista) celebrates black divas. Genius 
Aretha Franklin and crossover queen 
Whitney Houston need no introduc- 
tions, but Patti LaBelle, Chaka Khan and 
"Toni Braxton might. Keyed to Houston's 
starring role in the movie and showcas- 
ing the above performers as well as TLC, 
SWV, Mary J. Blige and Brandy, Exhale 
celebrates a past and future filled with 
rich voices. Premiere writer and produc- 
er Babyface Edmonds provides material 
that suits and challenges the talents he 
brings together. The result is a stronger 
and more varied album than most of the 
singers could manage on their own, as 
well as a chance for us to luxuriate in 
gorgeous music. 

Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Al Green 
has released his first secular album in. 
more than 15 years: Your Heart's in Good 
Hands (MCA). In case you have doubts, 
it’s worthy of him. And not only that: 
Greatest Hits (Right Stuff/Hi) is also finally 
available on CD. Need I say more? 

—ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


ROCK 


In between yoga, meditation and visit- 
ing Amazonian shamans, Sting has con- 
cocted another eclectic solo album. Mer- 
сигу Falling (A&M) is both his most 
tuneful and his most challenging work 
since the Police. Bittersweet Celtic and 
Brazilian-style melodies are propelled by 
a Stax-like pulse, supplemented by the 
original Memphis Horns. / Was Brought 


16 to My Senses and You Still Touch Me аге ru- 


В. Kelly: A true love-man balladeer. 


R&B from R. Kelly, the 
Waiting to Exhale soundtrack 
and yes, Sting. 


minations on death and rebirth, while / 
Hung My Head's loopy time changes sug- 
gest Monk or Mingus. Finally, Let Your 
Soul Be Your Pilot is as fine a tune as Every 
Breath You Take. 

Many of rock's greatest groups, in- 
cluding the Who, the Sex Pistols and 
Nirvana, have had a guitar sound as 
unique as their melodies and messages. 
Lustre, a trio from North Carolina, plays 
with a similar blend. On Lustre (A&M) 
Will Marley's muscular chord attack 
soars with eloquence. And his blissful ax- 
work is wrapped around edgy songs. 
Imagine Soundgarden's crunch infused 
with the Beatles’ exuberance and you're 
getting close. One of the most addictive 
records in ages. — VIC CARBARINI 


NOFX sent me a poster of some guy 
getting cozy with a sheep. So how could 
I not review the group's Heavy Petting Zoo 
(Epitaph)? Punk rock in the southern. 
California tradition of the Descendants 
and the Dickies, NOFX actually sings 
harmony and mixes thrash-speed chords 
with rhythm riffs and passages of ska. 
More overtly humorous than Rancid, 
less teenybop than Green Day, NOFX 
could be the next punk threat on the 
charts. Even if it isn't, I enjoy playing 
this alburn loud. — CHARLES M. YOUNG. 


Scots Pirates’ Revolutionary Means 
(Schoolkids) is the third album by this 
Michigan supergroup- Fronted by the 
Rationals’ Scott Morgan and including 


the Stooges' Scott Asheton and the Up's 
Gary Rasmussen, the CD applies high- 
energy rock to comparatively mellow 
adult concerns. The resulting tension 
enlivens Marijuana Wine, Dear Dear Diary 
and a couple of R&B covers. / Need Some 
Easy Money and the blistering, Stones- 
style You Got What You Wanted add con- 
trast to the power antherns, 88 and Fuck 
the Violence. Morgan remains one of the 
great white soul voices of the Sixties. If 
the band still had the МС5% Fred Smith 
(asit did when it was called Sonic's Ren- 
dezvous Band), this would be the perfect 
inheritor of garage rock sensibility. Not 
that there's anything missing here, ex- 
cept maybe a way to get to hear it on the 
radio. But that's part of what makes 
Scots Pirates inspiring. They kick out the 
jams. (523 East Liberty, Ann Arbor, MI 
48104. 313-994-8031.) 

Bittersweet by the Volebeats (Third 
Gear) is punk, but the sonics are country. 
It opens with a Barry White song, which 
sounds as classic as something by the 
Stones, then ricochets through a set of 
originals damn near as good. (PO. Box 
1886, Royal Oak, MI 48068.) 

Teisco Del Rey Plays Music for Lovers (Up- 
start) is not, despite the title and cover 
art, any of that bachelor-pad cheese. It's 
more like what might have happened if 
someone had given director John Wa- 
ters a guitar instead of a camera for his 
12th birthday. (Box 44-1418, West Som- 
erville, MA 02144.) — DAVE MARSH 


COUNTRY 


Jo Carol Pierce isa songwriting actress 
from Austin who would be called a per- 
formance artist if she lived in New York 
or Los Angeles. So call her a displaced 
country singer with patter. The patter has 
been worked into a full-fledged theater 
piece. For all the raconteur wit of songs 
like You Bother Me and Does God Have Us 
by the Twat or What? it’s the patter that 
makes Bad Girls Upset by the Truth (Monkey 
Hill) an inspiring exploration of what it 
might mean to serve Jesus by taking a 
new man to bed every week. If no bed is 
available, the backseat of your car will do 
just fine. (804 Spain St., New Orleans, 
LA 70117.) —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


BLUES 


Most of the blues albums that cross my 
CD player tend to follow trails already 
blazed by Stevie Ray Vaughan or B.B. 
King. The newer albums have large cle- 
ments of virtuosity and energy, but 
something seems to be missing—some- 
thing like originality. So it was a surpris- 
ing pleasure to discover Lookout! (Black- 
top), an album of 16 original guitar 


instrumentals by Rick Holmstrom. Retro 
in taste, Holmstrom seems to have found 
a cave in 1956, slept for 40 years and 
emerged with his chops and his enthusi- 
asm in top working order. Though virtu- 
oso enough for guitar worshipers, he 
plays without the slightest influence of 
what white rock bands have been doing 
since the late Sixties. I say he knows what 
he likes and he plays it. Whether it's 
jump blues, early rock or swing, his 
phrasing always goes somewhere in ser- 
vice of the song. He always gets to the 
point in less than three minutes. And on 
Rub It, he does a slamming imitation of 
Lightnin’ Hopkins. —CHARLES M. YOUNG 


JAZZ 


In 1995 the critics lined up to praise 
Jacky Terrasson's first U.S. album, which 
blended the lyricism of Keith Jarrett 
with the minimalist trio created by Ah- 
mad Jamal Now comes Reach (Blue 
Note), on which the beguiling Paris-bred 
Pianist extends his range both forward 
and back. He opens with an homage to 
Monk and closes with a bow to Bud Pow- 
ell. He also deemphasizes his clever but 
ultimately confining arrangements to fo- 
cus on deeper and more satisfying im- 
provisations. Terrasson's maturation 
makes Reach a success. — NEIL TESSER 


Charles Mingus' The Black Saint and the 
Sinner Lady (Impulse) is by far the funki- 
est of all Sixties jazz masterpieces newly 
reissued on CD. Mingus” monstrously 
beautiful album uses gospel growls, 
Latin riffs, funk bass lines and Ellington- 
ian piano (courtesy of Jaki Byard and 
Mingus himself) to revel in every aspect 
of black spiritual life. — DAVE MARSH 


Whether you call it acid jazz or trip 
hop, there’s a vibe coming out of Europe 
that samples rap, jazz, techno, rock and 
soul. The Rebirth of Cool, Volume IIl (Fourth 
& B'way) collects the U.K.’s Tricky and 
Portishead, France’s MC Solaar, Ger- 
many’s Kruder & Dorfmeister and our 
own Beastie Boys to give coherence to an 
International trend. A few connections 
seem tenuous, but overall, this CD 
makes you feel mellow, smart and, of 
course, very cool. —NELSON GEORGE 


CLASSICAL 


Alfred Schnittke has emerged as one 
of Russia's best contemporary com- 
posers. His Music for Cello and Piano (Ode) 
is simple and enchanting—even at its 
most melancholy. A century ago Vien- 
nese composer Alexander Zemlinsky 
wrote exquisite songs at the twilight of 
the Hapsburg empire. His Lieder aus dem 
Nachlass (Sony Classical) may at first 
seem aloof or restrained, but the songs 
reveal their emotional intensity on sub- 
sequent listens. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


FAST TRACKS 


OCKMETER 


Christgau | Garbarini | George | Marsh | Young 
8 2 "i 6 
3 10 5 2 
Scots Pirates 
Revolutionary Means i 8 8 7 
Rick Holmstro: 
mud cs 6 8 8 | в 
Various artists 
Waiting to Exhale 8 Ji 10 6 6 


LONGEVITY DEPARTMENT: This past Jan- 
uary Wayne Newton gave his 25,000th 
performance in Las Vegas. Not a dry 
eye in the house. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Flea is among 
the stars of the forthcoming movie 
Whiskey Down, about a group of late- 
night diners who get into a fight over 
a $6 million lottery ticket. It co-stars 
Virginia Madsen, Ernie Hudson and Sean 
Patrick Flanery. . . . Director Robert Ro- 
driguez (El Mariachi and Desperado) has 
formed Los Hooligans Records. He 
will sign artists as well as release 
soundtracks. . . . Bob Dylar's version of 
Ring of Fire can be heard on the 
soundtrack to Feeling Minnesota. tos 
Lobos is doing the score. . . . David Was 
isassembling an X-Files soundtrack on 
which Elvis Costello and Brian Eno have 
teamed up. Other artists include 
R.E.M., Frank Black and Filter. . . . The 
Deftones will appear in Crow: City of 
Angels, a sequel to The Crow. The 
soundtrack and the movie will be re- 
leased this summer. . . . Björk is 
recording a song for Stealing Beauty, 
Bernardo Bertolucci's new movie star- 
ring Jeremy Irons and Liv Tyler. 

INEWSBREAKS: It's Spinal Top's 30th an- 
niversary, so you'll probably need This 
Is the Spinal Тар Zine (send $3 to 
PO. Box 11967, Chicago, IL 60611- 
0967). . . . The end of the Grateful Dead 
has already been felt at box offices of 
venues that counted on them every 
year for sold-out concerts, not to men- 
tion security and concession jobs. 
Other Dead news: Mickey Hart has an 
album out now that features Bob Weir 
and Bruce Hornsby. Hart, along with 
Weir and Phil Lesh, will perform with 
the San Francisco Symphony in June 
as part of a festival on American mu- 
sic. Will any of them tour this sum- 
mer? Maybe. Together? Maybe. .. . 
The word is that Guns n' Roses are in 
the studio working on an album for a 


fall 1996 releasc. They may tour. 
Their manager says, “The entire band 
is clean and in great shape.” . . . Both 
Ann and Nancy Wilson plan solo albums 
before they make another Heart rec- 
ord. . . . PM. Dawn co-wrote and co- 
produced a song for the Bee Gees' new 
album, the first time the Bee Gees 
have ever written with outsiders. It 
will be released this year. . . . If you 
weren't in Memphis for the King's 
60th birthday festivities, you missed 
the world premiere of The Elvis Over- 
lure... . Me'Shell NdegéOcello’s latest 
CD is out any minute, a follow-up to 
her Grammy-nominated debut. . . . 
Never mind the James Brown title, 
Garth Brooks is about to become the 
hardest-working man in show busi- 
ness. He plans to be on the road until 
1999. His fim company has four 
movies in production, but Brooks 
doesn't expect to be cast in any role 
except producer. . . . The rap wars аге 
heating up again at the retail and ra- 
dio levels. Rock & Rap Confidential re- 
ports that this past fall, Emerson Col- 
lege in Boston banned most rap from 
the college radio station. Why? Col- 
lege officials said playing rap had 
caused break-ins at the station's stu- 
dios. . . . The Janus Jazz Aspen at 
Snowmass will feature performances 
by Ray Charles, Patti LaBelle, Al Green 
and David Sanborn between June 19 
and September 2. Call 970-920-4996 
for more info. . . . Todd Rundgren wrote 
the theme song for an ABC series pro- 
duced by Jim Hensen Productions. . . . 
White Zombie had to have its video for 
Super Charger Heaven translated be- 
fore MTV would agree to air it. A 
sampled speech in the middle of the 
video is in Latin, so the channel sent it 
toa UCLA language studies prof, who 
reported it to be a dramatization of a 
heresy trial. Who says rock and roll is 
lowbrow? — BARBARA NELLIS 


By STEPHEN RANDALL 


AT LONG LAST, you have a chance to revel 
in tawdry gossip about the seamy sex 
lives of stars—and not feel the least bit 
ashamed. Thanks to Gloria Steinem and 
some other unlikely participants, you 
can read some of the slimiest nonfiction 
ever published and still feel noble, as if 
you'd picked up a copy of It Takes a Vil- 
lage. Hey, you can feel better than noble. 
You can feel like a feminist. 

"This unusual opportunity comes in a 
book called You'll Never Make Love in This 
Town Again. It's the tale of four women in 
Hollywood—Liza, Linda, Tiffany and 
Robin—who slept with the most famous 
and powerful men in show business and 
lived to regret it. 

Were it not for Steinem, you might 
read about group sex involving Bob 


Hollywood hookers: Who are the real victims? 


Evans, sex toys with Don Henley—or 
simply the obligatory Warren Beatty 
scene—and mistakenly think ofthis book 
as exploitation, some sort of tacky ex- 
posé of the private (and sometimes 
kinky) sex lives of celebrities. How 
wrong you'd be. 

Steinem knows better, as she so often 
does. So does Lois Lee, the misguided 
founder of Children of the Night, a wor- 
thy charity that helps save runaways 
from a life of prostitution. So does Jo- 
anne Parrent, a naive would-be filmmak- 
er who served as the book's editor. As 
spokeswomen for the humble hookers 
(all but Robin were high-paid call girls), 
Steinem and Lee have declared this 
book to be an act of courage. Why? Be- 
cause You'll Never Make Love in This Town 
Again breaks the code of silence, the un- 
written law that protects customers of 
prostitutes while leaving the prostitutes 
to take the fall. “In You'll Never Make Love 
in This Town Again,” announces Steinem 
on the book's cover, “four women break 
the code and tell us what the emperor is 
really like—with no clothes on. The book 
also explains why women-hating movies 
are foisted on the world. Women-hating 
men are making them.” 

Lee sees the four authors as latter-day 
Joans of Arc who “have taken that first 
brave step in trying to end the oppres- 
sion and conspiracy of silence—to name 
their counterparts.” 

“Even I had the opportunity to be- 
come a hooker—a small-busted, brown- 
haired intellectual who usually wears 
jeans and very little makeup,” writes Par- 
rent in the book's introduction. “1 was 
honored to work on this book because it 
exposes men who routinely use and 
abuse vulnerable, insecure young wom- 
en in Hollywood." With Hugh Grant as 
their poster boy, these women set out to 
even the score. No more protection for 


18 johns. Equal humiliation for all. 


The sex lives of 
stars exposed—for 
fun, profit and feminism. 


But there's one small problem. You'll 
Never Make Love isn't about the perils of 
prostitution. Any truth-in-advertising 
law would change the title to / Had Sex 
With Stars—and a Couple of Arab Guys, 
and if it’s about exploitation, it's hard 
to determine the victims. Are they the 
hookers, or the celebrities who crossed 
their paths (often innocently)? The vic- 
tims may even be Steinem and Lee, who 
linked their reputations to such a ques- 
tionable enterprise. 

A surprising majority of the book's ex- 
amples don't involve prostitution at all. 
Most stars, it seems, don't pay for sex 
(are you paying attention, Hugh?), but. 
they're in the book nonetheless. James 
Caan is "obsessed with sex. He's crazy 
about licking pussy," writes Linda. 
“What I found to be totally strange 
about James Caan was the fact that he 
never once asked me to lick him." 
George Harrison gets a free blow job. 
from Liza at a party because, she ex- 
plains, "When will I have another 
chance to blow a Beatle?” Matt Dillon, 
Jack Wagner and Matt Lattanzi seem like 
reasonably caring lovers, even if they 
didn't call back for second dates. No 
money changes hands. There's no coer- 
cion. No abuse. For supposed profes- 
sionals, these women give away more 
free samples than Baskin-Robbins. 

The book does uncover some ugly ex- 
amples of sexual harassment, but with a 
twist. Liza dated Rod Stewart for a year 
but she's angry—he never once bought 


her a present! Tiffany meets John Ritter 
at the airport and later they have sex 
for more than nine hours (apparently 
there's a silver lining to Ritter's under- 
employment: plenty of free time). Tif- 
fany is miffed. No present, and no offer 
to help with her nonexistent acting ca- 
reer. She feels more forgiving the next 
time they meet and invites him over to 
visit. But damn, the same thing hap- 
pens— great sex, but no dinner invite, 
not even a follow-up call Tiffany is 
pissed off once again. 

Remember those training videos that 
Human Resources departments show 
you which warn about quid pro quo sex? 
About offering some sort of payoff for 
sex? This is what they're trying to teach 


È you, except in reverse. These women 


don't want to have sex unless there are 
strings attached. 

"These are four pathetic women whose 
lives turned out badly, and they're fran- 
tically trying to figure out whose fault it 
is. Robin has the most trouble appearing 
victimized. As her story opens, she's hap- 
pily married to a wealthy businessman 
and has a career as an actress on TV's 
Falcon Crest. But cvil lurks on the set in. 
the form of co-star Lorenzo Lamas. She 
and Lorenzo begin an affair and fall in 
love. Even though her husband begs her 
to come back, Robin is powerless to resist 
Lorenzo's charms. She dumps her hus- 
band and becomes engaged to Lorenzo 
in a whirlwind of publicity. When that 
relationship falls apart, Robin knows 
exactly who to blame, and it's not her- 
self. It's the man "who had stolen me 
from the arms of my stable, devoted 
husband." 

Liza knows who to blame, too: her 
parents, who didn't love her enough. 
Tiffany points the finger at her pal Hei- 
di Fleiss. For Linda, it's drugs. 

As they traipse from party to party, 
our foursome meets some nice guys who 
treat them well, some paying customers 
who seem relatively benign (Glenn Frey, 
one of the few stars who forks over cash, 
behaves like a perfect gentleman), and а 
few genuinely bad men. But the more 
they party, the more our heroines show a 
startling talent for making the same mis- 
take over and over again, as well as a flair 
for hypocrisy. Liza, who details many ex- 
periences with group sex, has a fit when 
boyfriend Timothy Hutton suggests a 
three-way with another man, breaking 
off the relationship and humiliating Hut- 
ton. Three pages after attacking Hutton 
(yes, three—we re talking about short-at- 
tention-span literature), Liza writes, "I 
believe there is a little bisexuality in most 
of us" and then provides details of her 
lesbian encounter with Vanna White. 

These are (concluded on page 164) 


"Agnes, have 
you seen my 
Don Diegos?" 


We're so sure you'll love today's Don Diego Cigars, we'll give you 
a sample box of ten Coronas, Plus a Don Diego Cigar Cutter and 
a booklet "How to Judge A Good Cigar,” (a $28.50 value), for 
$15.00. Send check or money order to: Don Diego Cigars, P.O. 
Box 407166 ZA, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33340-7166. Allow (12) weeks 
for delivery. Offer expires July 31, 1996. Offer not available to mi- 
nors. Limit one per customer. Offer available only in the USA. 


Coming soon...The Playboy Cigar 


ty part of y 


5 


cel 11 ite бүл) Jour Жаса рыс ЖА 


KENTUCKY STRAIGHT | — 
BOURBON WHISKEY | 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


AS A TALE ОГ reckless passion between a 
small-town high school teacher (Dennis 
Hopper) and his sexiest pupil (Amy Lo- 
cane), Carried Away (Fine Line) has the 
nice distinction of unfolding in unex- 
pected directions. It is erotic, adult and 
intelligent in its treatment of the teacher, 
whose true love is another teacher (Amy 
Irving), the widow ofhis best friend. The 
movie was adapted from a Jim Harrison 
novel called Farmer and directed by 
Brazilian-born Bruno Barreto (whose 
1978 Dona Flor and Her Tivo Husbands 
was a hit). For Locane, this movie should 
provide a major career boost. Often 
nude, she is a knockout as the down- 
home vamp who leads her teacher into 
several stcamy indiscretions in а hayloft. 
Some equally provocative scenes be- 
tween Hopper and Irving (who is mar- 
ried to Barreto) are augmented by Hop- 
per's testy encounters with a local doctor 
(Hal Holbrook) and the wayvard girl's 
vaguely menacing dad (Gary Busey). 
Carried Away is as straightforward and 
soulful as good country music. УУУ 
. 


Serial killers аге all the rage in movies 
here, and Italy's star comedian Roberto 
Benigni is all the rage over there. The 
Monster (Cinepix) puts the two together 
in a slapstick spoof adapted from a 
French original by actor Michel Blanc, 
who also plays the movie's eccentric psy- 
chiatrist. Benigni is Loris, an inept con 
man cursed with the bad luck to be mis- 
taken for a murderer who preys on 
women. The comely undercover detec- 
tive assigned to watch Loris is Nicoletta 
Braschi (Mrs. Benigni offscreen). His 
sexual proclivities invite suspicion at a 
party where he tries to pick up an inno- 
cent woman wrongly identified as a 
nymphomaniac, or when he drops a cig- 
arette down his trousers and starts flail- 
ing away at his crotch. Although fit- 
fully funny, Benigni's antics often play 
like alien corn that looks golden only 
in Rome. YY 


The tomato crop behind the house 
where five friends gather for a weekly 
dinner party is more than amply fertil- 
ized in The Last Supper (Sony Pictures), 
an audacious, irreligious black comedy 
directed by Stacy Title. Dead bodies 
buried under the vegetable patch make 
everything fruitful, according to Dan 
Rosen's far-out screenplay. Cameron 
Diaz, Annabeth Gish, Ron Eldard, 
Jonathan Penner and Courtney B. 
Vance play the lethal five, who impul- 
sively cover up the death of an uninvited 


22 right-wing interloper (Bill Paxton). They 


Locane: Ready to be carried away. 


Erotic complications in a 
small town, bodies in the vegetable 
patch and Christy on the runway. 


subsequently find murder so sweet that 
they decide to dispatch other visitors 
whose views they deem loathsome. Their 
life-and-death games are given a so- 
ciopolitical twist by posing the question: 
Would the world be a better place if 
someone had killed Hitler in Austria in 
1909, when he was merely an eccentric 
art student? Among the would-be vic- 
tims are Jason Alexander, Ron Perlman 
and Mark Harmon. Without quite en- 
dorsing justifiable homicide, the movie 
makes murder look like a wicked liberal's 
last stand. УУУ; 
e 


Set in an English country mansion, 
Loaded (Miramax) features seven angry 
young people whose plans to shoot a 
horror film are sidetracked by sex, drugs 
and death. Written and directed by Anna 
Campion (sister of The Piano's Jane Cam- 
pion), the movie is a mediocre shocker 
but a viable showcase for the feisty sev- 
en—among them Mathew Eggleton (as 
the pivotal bad boy), Thandie Newton 
(of Jefferson in Paris and The Journey of Au- 
gust King) and Catherine McCormack 
(Mel Gibson's true love in Braveheart). 
Given a sharper screenplay, this wild 
bunch might have really managed to 
raise the roof. YY 


Supermodel Christy Turlington's 
traffic-stopping face is the main attrac- 
tion of Catwalk (Arrow Releasing), de- 


scribed as “one model's journey through 
the three weeks of Milan, Paris and New 
York." Director Robert Leacock's restless 
camera follows Turlington at work dur- 
ing the annual spring collections. She 
looks divine, as always, hanging out with 
such winsome colleagues as Kate Moss 
and Naomi Campbell as she treks 
through airports and hotel rooms, from 
designer to designer, show to show. 
"These beauties goof around a lot, or, as 
Christy comments, "You're with people 
and you laugh and have a good time." 
"Irouble is, the haute couture scene looks 
suffocatingly vapid. If that's what Cat- 
walk means to say, the point is made. But 
Turlington on the job with designer 
Isaac Mizrahi merely serves as a rc- 
minder that last year's classically campy 
Unzipped—with Mizrahi's own entourage 
in focus—said it all and said it better. YY 
° 


This year being the 60th anniversary 
ofthe Spanish Civil War, British director 
Ken Loach's Land and Freedom (Gramer- 
cy) comes at a good time. Jim Allen's 
screenplay, much too talky here and 
there, concerns a young Liverpudlian 
communist named David (Ian Hart, who 
portrayed John Lennon іп 1993's Back 
Beat). As a volunteer fighting against 
Franco's fascism, David winds up learn- 
ing about love, war and ideology—the 
last through spirited debates about the 
revolutionary militias arguments with 
Stalinist zealots. David's party-line loyal- 
ty puts a strain on his relationship with 
Blanca (Spain's Rosana Pastor), a mili- 
tant rebel who sees Stalinism as a betray- 
al of the cause. Filmed in English and 
subtitled in Spanish, Loach's fiercely 
partisan drama is told in flashbacks— 
which seems a needless device. Even so, 
there hasn't been such a potent main- 
stream feature on the subject since For 
Whom the Bell Tolls. Even without that 
kind of star power, Land and Freedom still 
resounds with fiery conviction. ¥¥¥ 


Touted in its homeland as the most 
successful German comedy of all time, 
Maybe .. . Maybe Not (Live Entertainment) 
promotes open-mindedness about sexu- 
al orientation. As the handsome Axel, Til 
Schweiger plays a hormone-driven het- 
erosexual whose appetite for casual in- 
fidelity causes a breakup with his girl- 
friend Doro (Katja Riemann). Largely to 
advance the film's plot, Axel winds up 
both jobless and homeless—until he 
meets a couple of homosexuals (Joachim 
Krol, Rufus Beck) and begins to hang 
around in gay bars, sporting a tank top 
that drives the boys crazy. The title of di- 
rector Sonké Wortmann's jaunty screen- 
play reflects Axel's sexual ambivalence— 


WENTURE COR 
ТУАТЫНЫ. tU 
There is 


S SEED 
JRE 
SY 


SNP HEBR 


nothing more 


seductive than 


the unknown. 


SERIES PREMIERES FRIDA 


wo >” m! 
ч nm we F б 
APRLIS 10301707 eee. HBO 


FOLLOWING "TALES FROM THE CRYPT” т» SOMETHING SPECIALS ON 


(©1996 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company. L.P. All rights reserved. HBO is a registered service mark of Time Warner Entertainment Company, І.Р. 


24 


Judd: Hitting the right notes. 


OFF CAMERA 


Although country music 
her bag, Ashley Judd, 27, is a sophis- 
ticated country girl making a big- 
town splash. This member of the 
celebrated Judd family—with sis- 
ter Wynonna and mother Naomi 
to sing her praises—steams up the 
current Heat as Val Kilmer's wife. 
Shell surface again as "a deep- 
ly troubled person" married to 
rogue cop Luke Perry in Normal 
Life, and she has a major role in 
the next John Grisham thriller, А 
Time to Kill. Added to that, she co- 
stars with her new best friend Mira 
Sorvino in an imminent HBO epic 
called Norma and Marilyn as the 
Norma Jean who ultimately be- 
came Магйуп Monroe (where 
Sorvino takes over). "We're two 
parts of a sort of dual role." 

Not bad for a Judd who claims, 
“I sing only for my nephew.” This 
Phi Beta Kappa graduate of the 
University of Kentucky, where she 
majored in French and cheered 
the Kentucky Wildcats, recalls 
school as *a heavenly time for 
me—I'm a huge basketball fan.” 
Nowadays she rents a place in Cal- 
ifornia while restoring “a beautiful 
175-year-old house on our family 
farm in Tennessee.” She’s also an 
avid cigar smoker who won't talk 
about men despite rumors of a 
post-Heat friendship with Robert 
De Niro and a closer relationship 
with Matthew McConaughey, her 
co-star in A Time to Kill. “The per- 
son Га really like to work with 
Robert Duvall, a friend I met while 
auditioning for a role he was offer- 
ing but which I didn't get.” 

Since her auspicious film debut 
in Ruby in Paradise a few years 
ago, Ashley usually gets what she 
wants. Sensitive about “racy mate- 
rial” that might shock her rela- 
tives, Ashley radiates confidence 
without arrogance, Why? “My sis- 
ter, Wynonna, calls me a homing 
pigeon—someone who will always 
find her way.” 


though it all ends neatly with his sins for- 
given, Doro pregnant and a set of gay 
chums. For liberated types, the movie is 
still a maybe. ¥¥/2 


How’s this for a trendy, romantic 
blockbuster: Michelle Pfeiffer teamed 
with Robert Redford in the glamorous, 
fast-paced world of TV news. She’s an 
ambitious beauty on her way to a top 
network spot after a faltering start, first 
asa gofer, then as a nervous weather an- 
chor. He's her boss, mentor and hus- 
band-to-be—a seasoned, serious journal- 
ist who has opted out of the rat race to 
run a small TV station in Florida. up 
Close and Personal (Touchstone) is an easy- 
to-take love story with just enough hip 
insider detail to make it work as a luxu- 
ry-class vehicle for two potently photo- 
genic stars. Producer-director Jon Avnet 
(Fried Green Tomatoes) knows he has a cou- 
ple of icons on camera, and they deliver 
with the help of stalwarts Stockard 
Channing, Joe Mantegna and Kate Nel- 
ligan. The screenplay by husband- 
team John Gregory Dunne and Joan 
Didion, though smoothly professional 
and sophisticated, lacks the cutting edge 
of Broadcast News or Network. This is slick 
news-biz lite, with a climactic dark side 
reminiscent of A Star Is Born. ¥¥¥ 


The wobbly wheels of justice, recently 
subject to scrutiny, are reexamined in 
Primal Fear (Paramount), a tense thriller 
that stars Richard Gere as a Chicago de- 
fense attorney who relishes celebrity. 
Gere plays Martin Vail, who strides into 
the media limelight after taking the case 
of a strange young man (Edward Nor- 
ton) charged with the grisly murder of a 
Chicago archbishop. Norton delivers a 
tour-de-force performance as the ac- 
cused lad—an apparent simpleton bur- 
dened with dark secrets about the arch- 
bishop's sex life. Laura Linney is the 
prosecutor pitted against Gere—her for- 
mer lover and adversary prone to shifty 
courtroom tactics. Though far-fetched at 
times, Primal Fear makes Gere jump 
headfirst into ethical quicksand. ¥¥¥ 

е 


Director Mike Nichols’ The Birdeage 
(United Artists) is his Americanized, 
falling-down-funny remake of La Cage 
Aux Folles, already famous as a French 
movie and a hit musical. This cheeky 
adaptation by Elaine May is a joyride for 
Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as a 
gay couple running a campy Florida 
show spot. Broadway recruit Lane is the 
club's star drag queen and Williams is 
the cooler partner, whose son wants to 
marry a right-wing senator's daughter. 
Enter Gene Hackman and Dianne 
Wiest, hamming brilliantly as the square 
visiting in-laws-to-be. Here's a madcap 
gay gala about family values. УУУУ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Angels & Insects (Revicwed 2/96) Im- 
proper Victorians show and tell. ¥¥¥ 
Beautiful Girls (4/96) Checking out the 
boys at a lively class reunion. УУУ 
The Birdcage (Sce review) Gay couple 
leaves you holding both cheeks. УУУУ 
Carried Away (See review) Sexed-up 
schoolgirl becomes teacher's pet. ¥¥¥ 
Catwalk (See review) Model Christy 
Turlington hits the runway. БЫ 
The Celluloid Closer (4/96) Brilliant look 
at gay sex in cinema. УУУУ 
Cemetery Man (4/96) Grisly guignol 
with Italy's sexy Аппа Falchi taking 
up slack in the schlock. 

сиу Hall (4/96) New York city Ems 
as played by Pacino. PA 
Dead Man Walking (3/96) Sarandon 
and Penn face off on death row. УУУУ 
Denise Calls Up (4/96) Young moderns 
live life by fax, phone and PC. УУУ 
Fargo (4/96) The Coen brothers go 
west in a funny crime drama. УУУУ 
The Flower of My Secret (4/96) Lusty 


Almódovar comedy. Wha 
French Twist (3/96) Betrayed wife Abril 
gives lesbianism a chance. wy 


From the Journals of Jean Seberg (4/96) 
Bio of the doomed semistar.  ¥¥¥/2 
Hate (4/96) Youthful vandals raising 
hell in a French hood. Wr 
Hear (4/96) Dysfunctional buddy 
movie with De Niro and Pacino. ¥¥/2 
Land ond Freedom (See review) Fiery 
take on the Spanish Civil War. УУУ 
The Lost Supper (Scc rcview) Guess 
who's dead meat after dinner? УЗУ» 
Loaded (Scc review) Bright young 
moviemakers face real-life horror. YY 
Maybe . . . Maybe Not (Sec review) A 
German gay support group. УУУ 
Mir. Holland's Opus (3/96) Through the 
decades with Dreyfuss as a onc-in-a- 
million music teacher. УУУ/2 
The Monster (See review) An Italian 
nerd is mistaken for a sex fiend. УУ 
Nixon (3/96) His frenzied rise and fall, 
written in stone by Oliver. wy 
Othello (3/96) Branagh bedevils Fish- 
burne. The Moor is not merrier. ¥¥¥ 
Pie in the Sky (4/96) Boy meets girl whe 
wants to take wing for Paris. 

Primal Fear (See review) Gere defends 
an ІНу murder suspect. E 
Richard ІШ (3/96) Shakespeare's evil 
king, played flashily by Ian McKellen 
asa modernized English Nazi. УУ 
12 Monkeys (3/96) Director Gilliam's 
heady time trip keeps Willis, Stowe 
and Pitt careening along. ЫА 
Up Close and Personal (See review) 
With Pfeiffer and Redford as lovers, 
its prime time most of the мау. УЗУ 


YYYY Don't miss 
ҰҰУ Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


VIDEO 


GUEST SHOT 


It's no surprise to 
Star Trek fanatics 
that Patrick Stewart 
loves a good science- 
fiction flick on video. 
“War of the Worlds 
was my favorite as a 
kid,” recalls the man 
who boldly replaced 
William Shatner at the helm of the Starship 
Enterprise. “But Aliens is even better, be- 
cause the horror builds without letting you 
off the hook for a second.” Stewart also 
admits to being a sucker for rewinds of 
Shane ("the most grittily realistic Western 
ever"), Schindler's List ("a perfect film”) 
and Searching for Bobby Fischer (71 wish 
I'd directed that one myself"). But his nod 
for best film of all time goes to On the Wa- 
terfront: “When | saw that one as a teen, it 
changed my entire life,” he confesses, 
"Until then, my ambition in life was to mar- 
ry Doris Day." Que sera, sera. — —awno su 


VIDBITS 


Last we checked, wasn't Al Green singing 
on the soundtrack of Pulp Fiction? Now 
The Gospel According to Al Green (Kino on 
Video) explores the life of the Rock and 
Roll Hall of Famer (including great 
footage of the Reverend Green and his 
Memphis church choir). Robert Mugge's 
1984 vidbio also features such ever- 
greens as Let's Stay Together and / Can't 
Get Next to You. . . . Contrary to Holly- 
wood hype, computer-generated anima- 
tion does not begin and end with Toy Sto- 
ту. Miramar, best known for its Mind’s Eye 
series, has been at it for ten years— 
hence Decade, an anniyersary collection 
of greatest hits. The program includes 
more than a dozen shorts (Technodance, a 
funky chorus line, remains tops) and 
music from, among others, Santana, Pe- 
ter Gabriel and Philip Glass. 


LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT 


Who can forget a first impression? Movie 
fans can't—especially when a favorite 
film character makes a memorable en- 
trance. Here are a few lasting firsts: 
Gone With the Wind (1939): After hearing 
about him for halfan hour, Scarlett final- 
ly spots dashing Rhett Butler—flashing 
that lusty smile—at the bottom of a wind- 
ing staircase. Gable's greatest opener: 
Night Shift (1982): Dynamic Billy Blaze 
(Michael Keaton, in his big-screen 
debut) bursts into Henry Winkler's 
morgue playing air guitar and humming 
Jumpin’ Jack Flash. He's an instant hit. 
Roiders of the Lost Ark (1981): That hat, 
that gun, that whip: Spielberg teases us 


with a sequence of mysterious rearview 
silhouettes before finally revealing the 
face of Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford). 
King Kong (1933): You can just barely 
make out something awesome—and 
very, very large—coming through those 
trees, but nothing can prepare you for 
the monkey mug Fay Wray faces. 

Dr. No (1962): First you see the mani- 
cured hands shuffling cards, then you 
hear the suave voice delivering a come- 
on to a pretty brunette. Only then do 
you get Sean Connery's inimitable big- 
screen bow as 007: "Bond. James Bond." 
Batman (1989): Keaton again, this time 
descending from darkness for some 
rooftop fisticufls as the Batdude. Pow! 
Star Wars (1977): You never see his face, 
but the domed black helmet and me- 
chanical deep breathing of Darth Vader 
are spooky enough to raise goose bumps. 
James Earl Jones' voice adds just the 
right touch of doom. 

The Sting (1973): Paul Newman is a 
slouched drunk in a brothel bathtub as 
novice grifter Robert Redford enlists 
him to mastermind the greatest heist in 
history. Even plastered, Newman's a 
pretty boy. BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


Voyager's special edition of seven ($195) 
should satisfy (1) Brad Pitt fans and (2) 
psychos. To enhance the movie's serial- 
killer plot, the platter includes close-ups 
of crime-scene photos staged for the 
film, along with still-frame shots of clues 
left by the killer. Also included: deleted 


Demi Moore's a postfeminist Prynne—and 
Gary Oldman a dopey-eyed Dimmesdale— 
in the critically disclaimed Scarlet Letter, a 
cheeseball up- 
date of the Na- 
thaniel Haw- 


thorne classic. 

OK, so it may 

not exactly be. 

what you re- 

member from 

your junior high reading (Hester in a hot 
tub?), but take comfort in this: It's funnier 
than Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. 


scenes, outtakes and other buried trea- 
sures for Pitt fanatics. . . . Back in the days 
when Saturday Night Live was, uh, funny, 
nothing beat its sharp-witted TV-com- 
mercial parodies. Now Lumivision has 
packed together ncarly three dozen of 
the show's funniest spots in SNL Goes 
Commercial ($29.95). Included: Lily Tom- 
lin's Ernestine ragging on the phone 
company; Kevin Nealon pitching Chia 
Head, a hair-growth product; Eddie 
Murphy as Velvet Jones, selling his Har- 
lequin romances (including Kicked in the 
Butt by Love), and as Buckwheat, plug- 
ging Our Gang Records ("unce, tice, ee 
times a lay-duh”); track star John Belushi 
pushing Little Chocolate Donuts; and 
Gilda Radner for Jewess Jeans. Conspic- 
uously missing from the disc is one of 
our faves: "Pussy Whip, the dessert top- 
ping for cats." — GREGORY P FAGAN 


Hally Hunter double bill: Copycat (homicide cop HH enlists 
shrink Sigourney Weaver ta bag serial killer; nerve- 


HOLLY-WOOD 


), Home for the Holidays {artist HH and family do dys- 


Central (one-hour gig in Manhat- 
‚all the hits), Richard Pryor 
ter the heart attack, before "the 


d-up outing ever). 


25 


26 


STYLE 


IN THE SWIM 


Knee-length Jams have had their day, and bikini briefs look 
best on Olympic divers. So what's a guy to wear to the beach 
this summer? Streamlined, thigh-length swim trunks that 
show off a fit form and an eye for the latest retro styling. 
DKNY offers a cotton-and-nylon version in black, white, red 
or blue, with a logo and a nylon 
clip belt ($75). Austyn Zung's 
mid-thigh swim trunks are 
made of a sleek black vis- 
cose-and-Lycra blend ($80). 
Designer Gene Meyer does 
some California dreaming 
with his short, square-cut 
trunks ($90). They're made 
of cotton, polyester and Ly- 
cra and come in gingham 
check color combos such as 
indigo and white (pictured 
here) and royal blue and 
black. Polo Sport's square- 
cut nylon-and-Lycra racing 
trunks hit the top of the 
thigh and come in red or black 
with a U.S. flag logo (about $40). Armand Basi takes a mini- 
malist route with his square-cut bikini briefs in Spandex with 
blue-and-white vertical stripes ($75). For something more 
flashy, 2B's nylon thigh-length surf shorts have a lace-up 
front, a single side pocket and a Velcro fly. Colors include 
black, royal, gold and maroon ($55). 


Y — 


A REASON TO TERRY 


Terrycloth isn't just for towels and bathrobes anymore. De- 
signers are using the lightweight fabric to create summer 
shirts that are cool and casual and look equally great 
with shorts and khaki pants as well as layered under 
a jacket. Nautica's short-sleeved French terry polo 
shirt by David Chu is available in green, blue and 
coral ($68). Gaspar Saldanha offers a short-sleeved V- 
neck version ($165) and a zip-top polo ($210), both 
in black with gray trim or vice versa. The Richard 
Edwards line is known for its hip urban style of 
sportswear, which includes a polo, a V-neck vest 

with attached collar and a long-sleeved button- 
through shirt—all made of white, navy or 
black terrycloth ($65 to $90). Verso's signa- 
ture athletics-inspired cotton terry shirt 
jacket has taping detail and comes in 
black, chalk, gray and navy. And for re- 
freshing color, opt for Nicole Farhi's 
short-sleeved cabana-style terrycloth 
shirts ($90) in tropical shades such as 
lime green as well as white. 


S T Y 


SHOES 


HOT SHOPPING: LOUISVILLE 


‘The horsey set hits the Kentucky Derby the first Saturday in 
May, an event preceded by parades, marathons and balloon 


and steamboat races. 
CLOTHES LINE 


For shopping, trot to 
the hip Highlands 
area. Avalon (1500 Most 27-year-olds are more in- 
Bardstown Rd.): ОН- to passion than fashion, but jazz 
beat street, skate and sax player Joshua Redman is а 
rave gear, plus used well-rounded guy. He 
Levi's and cords. e scored big when his fa- 
Sasquatch (1019 Bar- vorite designer, Donna 
ret Ave): Modern Karan, agreed to outfit 
furniture, odd col- his quartet. “Му ideas 
lectibles, local art, about fashion and be- 
vintage clothes and пр an artistare in 
shoes. * Jerry Shel- sync with her cloth- 
ton (1287 Bards- ing,” he says. On 
очогу: Diele tour, Redman will be 
sporting a lightweight 
wool double-breasted 


Euro-style suits and 
sports jackets, plus 

suit in navy with wide 
pinstripes. He finds 


casual Derby duds 
lies restricting, so he 


and lots of ties. * 

Ear X-tacy (1534 

Bardstown Rd): plans to accent the suit with a white 

vast collection Окчу bandéd-collar shirt. He'll also 

CDs from hard-core wear DKNY black suede boots. Off- 
stage, he favors black Nikes, Banana 

Republic khaki slacks and Calvin 


indies to imports. € 
Edenside Gallery 

Klein T-shirts—"in muted colors 
only, please.” 


(1422 Bardstown Rd.): 
Eclectic art and jew- 
elry. * The Blue- 
grass Brewing Co. 
(3929 Shelbyville Rd.): A casual watering hole with 
beers brewed on the premises and potent mint 

juleps at Derby time. 


CLEAN AND SIMPLE 


Combination hair-and-body shampoos 
help you travel light—whether you're 
going global or just to the gym. Among 
our favorites is DK Men's Hair & Body 
shampoo, which includes soy and wheat 
proteins for extra conditioning and the 
subtle scent of Karan's Fuel for Men fra- 
grance. Calvin Klein's crisp-smelling Escape 
for Men combo cleanser is a woodsy, herbal- 
scented gel with skin conditioners. Loyal 
users of Penhaligon's Racquets double-duty 
formula for shampoo include members of the 
British royal family. Issey Miyake's All Over į 
Shampoo is a cool blue gel that smells like fresh i 


greenery with hints of tobacco and musk. i 


E T E R 


OUT 


Spectators; split and cap toes; 


STYLES 


loafers; bucks; Hush Puppies 


igh-vamped | Monk straps; tasseled loafers; rubber sandals; | 


heavy lug soles 


MATERIALS 


Two-tone combos; black; 


Flat and woven leather or fabric combinations; 
suede; muted patent leather 


brown tones such as chocolate and khaki 


Alligator or crocodile skins; real or faux pony 
skin; mirror-finish patent leather 


; aff-white; Burgundy, light ten, navy or rust leathers 


опа suedes 


MAN’S GUIDE DIAMONDS 


ARE YOU оле of the TWO MILLION 
victims of engagement ring anxiery? 


Ө Relax. Guys simply are not supposed to 
know this stuff. Dads rarely say "Son, let's talk 
diamonds: 

Ө But it’s still your call. So read on. 

Ө Spend wisely. It's tricky because no two 
diamonds are alike. Formed in the earth millions 
of years ago and found in the most remote 
corners of the world, rough diamonds are sorted 
by DeBeers' experts into over 5,000 grades 
before they go on to be cut and polished. So be 
aware of what you are buying. Two diamonds of 
the same size may vary widely in quality. And if 
a price looks too good to be true, it probably is. 
@ Learn the jargon. Your guide to quality and 
value is a combination of four characteristics 
called The 4Cs. They are: Cuz, not the same as 
shape, but refers to the way the facets or flat 
surfaces are angled. A better cut offers more 
brilliance; 2/27; actually, close to no color is 
rarest; Clarity, the fewer natural marks or 
“inclusions” the better; Carat weight, the 
larger the diamond, usually the more rare. 
Ө Determine your price range. What do you spend on the one woman in the world who is smart enough 
to marry you? Most people use the two months’ salary guideline. Spend less and the relatives will talk. Spend 
more, and they'll rave. 

© Watch her as you browse. Go by how she reacts, not by what she says. She may be reluctant to tell 
you what she really wants. Then once you have an idea of her taste, don't involve her in the actual 
purchase. You both will cherish the memory of your surprise. 

@ Find a reputable jeweler, someone you сап trust to ensure you're getting a diamond you сап be proud 
of. Ask questions. Ask friends who've gone through it. Ask the jeweler you choose why two diamonds that. 
look the same are priced differently. Avoid Joe's Mattress & Diamond Discounters. 

Ө Learn more. For the booklet, “How to buy diamonds you'll De proud to give; call the American Gem Society, 
representing fine jewelers upholding gemological standards across the U.S., at 800-341-6214. 

© Finally, think romance. And don't compromise. This is one of life's most important occasions. You want 
a diamond as unique as your love. Besides, how else can two months salary last forever? 


Diamond Information Center 
Sponsored by De Beers Consolidated Mines, Ltd., Est. 1888. 
A diamond ts forever De Beers 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


JOSEPH WAMBAUCH tops this spring's books 
with a wild southern California saga 
about yachting, espionage, the Americas 
Cup and murder. In Floaters (Bantam), 
he dazzles with his intimate knowledge 
of police life, black humor, raunchy dia- 
logue and a cast of Nineties choirboys. 
The story concerns a complicated plot to 
sabotage Team New Zealand, which has 
become mixed up with the murder of a 
local prostitute by her pimp. The best 
scenes take place at the raucous parties 
of the Americas Cup Drinking Club, a 
sailors' bash hosted by a different San 
Diego bar each weck. 

As always, Wambaugh's cops are mem- 
orable. Fortney and Leeds are members 
of a Harbor Unit team that pulls the 
floaters (dead bodies) out of the bay by 
day and chases cuppies (Americas Cup 
groupies) through the bars at night. 
Officer Rita Mason, dressed in “Day-Glo 
green satin shorts, knee-high green plas- 
tic boots with spike heels, a white peeka- 
boo chemise and a sequined jacker on 
top," can hardly wait to go back to stab- 
bings and drive-bys instead of being а 
decoy hooker. “Anne of a Thousand 
Names” is a female homicide detective 
who earned her moniker from three di- 
vorces, but was tough enough to become 
the first San Diego PD woman to make 
the SWAT team. And then there's Letch: 
“Norman С. 'Letch' Boggs was one of 
those middle-aged cops immune to sex- 
ual harassment complaints. Letch was 
short, bald, with the muscle tonc of a 
bruised banana. He smelled worse than 
a Beastie Boys concert because he con- 
sumed more garlic than Sicily.” 

Wambaugh initiated the crime novel 
craze in the early Seyenties with The New 
Centurions and The Blue Knight, which 
take you into the inner lives of police- 
men. Those books have the verisimil- 
itude of police work in part because their 
author served 14 years with the LAPD. 
Floaters displays a cop's expertise and the 
literary power of a master storyteller. 

The story of the Billionaire Boys Club 
has been told many times over the past 
decade, but never with the power of 
Randall Sullivan's The Price of Experience 
Power, Money, Image and Murder in Los Ange- 
les (Grove Press). Led by a charismatic 
con man named Joe Hunt, the sons of 
some of the richest families in southern 
California formed an organization that 
would do anything for money—includ- 
ing kill. Sullivan's riveting tale is amaz- 
ingly detailed and artfully presented. He 
slowly draws the reader into the story by 
examining the boys’ friendships at the 
exclusive Harvard prep school, where 
Hunt was the token scholarship student. 


28 By the time the Boys Club is formed, 


Joseph Wambaugh's Floaters. 


A gaggle of spring 
crime books—both 
fictional and true. 


with its bizarre code of loyalty and self- 
justifying philosophy, you can hardly 
turn the pages fast enough. This is con- 
temporary history, brilliantly written. 

A different sort of report about a well- 
educated young man dabbling in crime 
is told by Peter Alson in Confessions of on. 
Ivy Leogue Bookie (Crown). With humor 
and introspection, he describes how, as 
an unemployed Harvard graduate, he 
began to work in a bookie's office on St. 
Marks Place in New York. As it turns out, 
being a clerk in a bookie joint isn't that 
different from a job at Goldman, Sachs— 
it just pays more. Alson grapples with his. 
conscience, his fears of arrest, his embar- 
rassment at enjoying "success" outside 
the law, and he tells it with candor. 

A trio of lesser-known crime novelists 
has compelling new books. In Robert 
Crais' sixth Elvis Cole adventure, Sunset 
Express (Hyperion), the wife of a Los An- 
geles celebrity is found brutally mur- 
dered, and the evidence incriminates 
her husband. Charged with murder, the 
husband hires a superstar defense attor- 
ney who assembles a team of lawyers and 
investigators and announces that an 
LAPD detective has planted the evidence 
against his client. Does this sound famil- 
iar? Crais has fun playing off the O.J. 
case. But this time, Elvis has the fast-talk- 
ing lawyer on the run. There's more 
déjà vu in Randy Wayne White's Captivo 
(Putnam), an inventive story of an ar- 
gument between sport fishermen and 
commercial fishermen that escalates into 


violence in Florida. Doc Ford, the pro- 
tagonist of White's four crime novels, is a 
government agent-turned-marine biol- 
ogist given to philosophical ruminations, 
who lives in a remodeled fish-storage 
shack built over the water on pilings in 
Dinkin's Bay, Sanibel Island. Happily, 
White knows how to build a plot around 
this reincarnated Travis McGee with 
touches John D. MacDonald would have 
appreciated. Power in the Blood (Thomas 
Dunne/St. Martin's) by E.L. Wyrick fea- 
tures Tammi Randall, a quick-witted 28- 
year-old attorney for the Legal Aid Soci- 
ety in Teal County, Georgia. When she 
travels to nearby Warrendale to meet a 
movie star who wants to buy the entire 
town, she discovers her intended client 
dead—and a whole lot of intriguing con- 
fusion about who did it. 

Edward Humes’ No Motter How Loud I 
Shout (Simon & Schuster) and Melissa 
Fay Greene's The Temple Bombing (Addi- 
son-Wesley) are two nonfiction books of 
painful importance. Humes' work ex- 
poses the injustice in Los Angeles Juve- 
nile Court. This Pulitzer Prize-winning 
author chronicles the experiences of five 
children struggling to survive in the sys- 
tem. In her second book about the civil 
rights movement after Praying for Sheet- 
rock, Greene examines the bombing of 
the Reform Jewish Synagogue in Atlanta. 
in 1958. Her book presents a sweeping 
portrait of Atlanta, but it also is a me- 
thodical study of the social and political 
conflicts that led up to the bombing. The 
temple's rabbi had been one of the few 
whites with the courage to condemn thc 
racism and anti-Semitism of white su- 
premacist groups in Atlanta. The bomb- 
ing became a rallying point for support- 
ers of social justice and nonviolence. 


BOOK BAG 


Showing My Color (HarperCollins), by 
Clarence Page: Part memoir and part so- 
cial history, this collection of impolite es- 
says on race and identity thoughtfully 
examines our continuing rift. 

The Oxford Book of Americen Detective Sto- 
ries (Oxford U. Press), edited by Tony 
Hillerman and Rosemary Herbert: From 
Edgar Allan Poe to Sue Grafton, these 
tales chronicle the evolution of crime 
fiction. 

John Dillinger Slept Here (Minnesota His- 
torical Society), by Paul Maccabee: This 
is a small masterpiece of social history 
that describes how an earlier "war on 
crime" provided Americans an enter- 
taining distraction from their Depres- 
sion worries—except in St. Paul, where 
enlightened civic policy maintained the 
peace far more simply by offering sanc- 
tuary to public enemies. 


iscover the magic world of the 

Fantasy of the Crystal! A world 
of swords and sorcery, of secret runes 
and dark spells, of beautiful queens 
and scheming wizards, trusty dwarves 
and evil demons—all battling to 
capturc the power of the Crystal 
Magical characters; suberbly crafted. 
Lead fierce trolls and winged horses 
into battle against the Fortress of 
Doom and free the beautiful Lady 
Rani from the Shamans spell. Whether 
youjoin Melda, the Witch Queen.. or 


? 2 


side with wizards and warlocks in seiz- 
ine powenover RE TRE Кешіп, 
this exquisite chess set will keep you 
spellbound. 

Each piece is crafted of lustrous, 
antiqued pewter and features an extra- 
ordinary level of detail. A sparkling, 
multi-faceted cut crystal adorns each 
playing piece. The elegant hardwood 
chessboard contains a convenient 


storage compartment, and is included 
at no extra charge. 


Superb value. 


Created exclusively for the Danbury 
Mint, the Fantasy of the Crystal 
Chess Set comes with an exciting 
booklet describing each of the charac- 
ters and their battle for mastery of the 
Crystal. Each piece is attractively 
priced at just $19.95, Your satisfaction 
is guaranteed. To acquire this heir- 
loom chess set, simply return your 
Reservation Application today! 


Chessboard 
shown smaller than 
actual size of 

B, 18/7 x 184° x3" 


RESERVATION APPLICATION 


Danbury Mint 
Avenue 


Send no 
money now. 


Norwalk, CT 06857 


"Fantasy ої the Crystal Chess Set 


Please accept my reservation for che Fantasy of the Crystal 
Chess Set, consisting of 32 fine pewter playing pieces, each 


he rate of two every other month. | need рау for only one 
piece per month. If not satisfied with any piece, | may return 


ith a sparkling crystal. Each piece is $19.95". 
no money now. | will receive my playing pieces at 


it within 30 days for replacement or refund. 
us any applicable sales tax and $2.95 shipping and handling. 


Please Print Clearly 


Alberich the 
Dwar 
(Pawn) 


Pieces shown smaller 


ignaturc: 


~ Orders subject 


than actual size 


Allow 4 to B weeks after payment for initial shipment 


Name to print on Certificate of Registration 


(if different from above). 


LOOEPY2 


MEN 


H ow can I use the term pussy- 
whipped and stay solvent? No 
one is supposed to mention those words 
today. Saying them aloud in the work- 
place could get you fired, retired, sued 
and screwed. But say them with feeling 
anyway: pussy-whipped, a pungent phrase 
that has been banned from our dictio- 
naries for years because of pressure from 
arbiters of the feminist persuasion. 

For decades we have handed feminists 
the power to edit and reprogram our 
language. But even though we live in 
this self-imposed cultural dictatorship, 
most guys still say pussy-whipped (si- 
lently, of course) from time to time. For 
us, it is an expression too colorful and il- 
lustrative to banish forever. 

To be pussy-whipped simply means 
that a pussy is whipping you. It has be- 
come a pink, slippery, thrashing, living 
thing, an angry ogre in curls, a ravenous 
beast with a wrinkled face, a creature as 
wide as a building and as deep as an oil 
well, with the roar of a lioness and the 
mouth of a shark. So salute that shaggy 
monster and get out of its way, fella! 

The Pussy Monster has incredible 
power over men, Guys will change their 
beliefs, clothes, magazine subscriptions, 
afiershave, vocabulary, eating habits, lo- 
cation, work schedule, mode of trans- 
portation and social mannerisms just to 
escape the ferocity of a real pussy-whip- 
ping. Why do men surrender in this 
matter without a fight? Because most 
guys just want to get laid, and they know 
that a whipping pussy is not a welcoming 
pussy: 

The Pussy Monster censors, shames, 
blames, dismembers, scolds, scourges, 
thrashes, shellacs, pecks, rebukes, flays, 
criticizes, isolates and emasculates its tar- 
gets. Although I’m proud to say that I 
have sometimes stood up to the monster 
and refused to give in to it, I also ac- 
knowledge that I have been viciously 
pussy-whipped on many occasions. Like 
so many men, “Yes, dear” has been my 
mantra in the past, and I know that | will 
never totally lose my need to placate the 
Pussy Monster after it has been pro- 
voked. I like it too much when it's cooing 
and smiling, you see. 

When we say that a man is pussy- 
whipped, we mean that he will do any- 
thing for female approval. We mean that 
he is a wimp, a wuss, a mama's boy, a tat- 
tletale, a sweetheart of a guy who plays 


30 hopscotch with the girls at recess and 


By ASA BABER 


DIAGNOSIS: 
PUSSY-WHIPPED 


never gets his hands dirty. When a guy is 
pussy-whipped, he will ignore his male 
friends, his work, his hobbies and his 
sense of himself as a man, all in the hope 
that the Pussy Monster will embrace him. 
and not reject him. 

As guys, we often ask ourselves 
whether or not we are pussy-whipped. 
We wonder about our friends in the 
same context. That being the case, here 
are some questions and answers to help 
you recognize the symptoms. But one 
warning: After you read this, don't look 
in the mirror for a while. 

(1) If I never argue with the woman I'm 
dating, am I pussy whipped? Yes. 

(2) If I always argue with her, am I healthy 
and independent? No, you're just as 
fucked-up as the guy above. 

(3) What are the first physical signs of 
pussy-uhippedness? Sniveling, pleading 
and whining, followed by a hunching of 
the shoulders, an ascension of the testi- 
cles into the belly and an intense need to 
urinate. Headaches and backaches are 
also common, as are tremors of the pe- 
nis, agoraphobia and a hesitant, pigeon- 
toed walk. 

(4) Does this disorder have a name, and 
what are the first psychological symptoms of it? 
Appropriately, shrinks call this affliction 
PMS (Pussy Monster Syndrome). Men 
suffering from it hold the humiliating 
belief that masculinity is nature's way of 


saying you're an asshole. A man with 
PMS, under intense stress as he tries to 
feminize and deconstruct himself, suf- 
fers from a marked deterioration of all 
logical thought processes. He often 
imagines himself lost in a series of huge 
crimson caverns that have fleshlike walls 
covered with semen, moss, peanut but- 
ter and lubricating jelly. Many men with 
PMS also report hearing the songs J Am 
Woman and I Enjoy Being a Girl some- 
where in the distance. 

(5) Can gay guys be pussy-uhipped? They 
get to choose. 

(6) Which American presidents have been 


Î pussy-whipped? Ask which ones haven't 


and we can talk. 
(7) What is the present state of therapy for 


Î men with PMS? Because 90 percent of 


male therapists are lifetime victims of the 
syndrome, and because a high percent- 
age of female therapists are perpetrators 
of it, there has not been much original 
thought in this area. However, a special 
form of testosterone therapy is being 
tested at a private clinic in Gstaad, 
Switzerland. Other therapeutic ap- 
proaches include golden showers, the 
consumption of salmon sushi and a form 
of aversion therapy in which the patient 
is forced to watch 600 hours of Michael 
Jackson videos nonstop. 

(8) What does а man in the throes of pussy- 
whippedness look like? Within a week or 
two, he looks exactly like Larry King 

(9) Do you foresee a time when men will not 
be frequently pussy-whipped? No. But as- 
tronomers are analyzing data from the 
Hubble space telescope, and there may 
be a galaxy out there where sexual be- 
havior is actually rational. But if its in- 
habitants are visiting us secretly, as ru- 
mored, forget it. Once in the earth’s 
atmosphere, they will inevitably be con- 
taminated—PMS is highly contagious in 
all dimensions. 

(10) When you write a column like this, 
don't some women become angry with you and 
reject you? Yes. Especially the ones alerted 
by Cynthia Heimel. She still whips me 
with solid professionalism in her Women 
column, but I try to remind myself that 
the whippier they are, the harder they 
fall. I believe that soon Cynthia will stop 
whipping me and start loving me to dis- 
traction. Boy oh girl, 1 can hardly wait! 


WHEN YOU CAN'T SMOKE. 


INTRODUCING. 
SKOAL FLAVOR PACKS. 


Skoal Flavor Packs give you 
—, great tasting tobacco satisfaction. 
a They're small, discreet pouches 
I] SKOAL.. that are easy to use and control. 


With long lasting flavor in either THIS PRODUCT 
MAY CAUSE GUM 


cool mint or refreshing cinnamon. DISEASE AND‏ ت 
SKOA L And because they're a smooth blend TOOTH LOSS‏ | | 
FAVOR PACKS => of tobacco, they'll never taste‏ | 


harsh or bitter. 


Skoal Flavor Packs is a trademark of U.S. Tobacco Co. or its affiliates for its smokeless tobacco. 


32 


WOMEN 


s your (token) feminist columnist, I 

feel 1 must address the issue of 
pornography, a subject bubbling and 
curdling in the brains of all thinking 
females. 

Pornography is disgusting. It is sor- 
did, ugly, foul and egregious; it has ze- 
ro redeeming social value. It portrays 
women as depersonalized sex objects, 
and slutty, mindless sex objects at that. It 
degrades and marginalizes women and 
encourages feelings of alienation and 
hostility in men. Plus, those endless 
close-ups of arrhythmic genitalia are 
both madly offensive and paralytically 
boring. І just really, really hate porn. 

Unless, of course, it's good porn. 

Then bring it right over. If it’s good 
wanking material, ГЇ even brave the 
video-store guy's slack-jawed stare as I 
rent, oh, Romancing the Bone. Normally I 
prefer an old-fashioned dirty Victorian 
novel, but if a porn video has some good 
situations, I can replay those images for 
years in my head. 

“Romancing the Bone?” says Lily incred- 
ulously “You're joking. What about 
House of Dreams?" 

Lily Burana is my friend, and she's hi- 
larious. She is wearing clothes at the mo- 
ment, but if you want to see her naked, 
just turn to page 134 in the April 
PLAYBOY. Too bad her giant brain isn't 
visible. 

Lily is a "sex worker" (exotic dancer), 
so I've invited her over to give me a real- 
ity check on Andrea Dworkin and Cath- 
arine MacKinnon, those fun-loving anti- 
porn stars of the feminist movement. 
Lily is poring over Dworkin's book Por- 
nography. Suddenly she has apoplexy. 

"Listen to this insanity!" she yells. 
“The epidemic of cesarean sections in 
this country is a sexual, not a medical, 
phenomenon. They fuck the uterus with 
a knife. Modern childbirth —surgical 
childbirth—comes from the metaphysics 
of male sexual domination." 

1 think that says it all about Dworkin. 
The woman is a loon. And just listen, if 
you dare, to MacKinnon: “Sooner or lat- 
er, in one way or another, the consumers 
want to live out pornography further, in 
three dimensions." 

"Oh, right," says Lily. "She thinks all 
porn is rape, so all men are rapists. We 
all played cops and robbers as kids, but 
do we all get on top of the Quickie Mart 
with machine guns?” 


1 am deeply offended by Dworkin and 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


PORNOGRAPHY: 
DOES IT SUCK? 


MacKinnon. They are so single-minded- 
ly, fervently, insanely wrongheaded—ac- 
cording to them, every man is an evil 
rapist, every sex worker an abused zom- 
bic—that they have managed to polarize 
feminists in a pointless and destructive 
way. Lam a person who in fact has prob- 
lems with some porn, but these babes 
have forced me to make a choice, forced 
me to jump onto the pro-porn bandwag- 
оп and wave many flags. 

“I think we should set me up against 
Andrca Dworkin, likc on American Gladi- 
ators,” says Lily. “Ме can go head-to- 
head, sell tickets. 1 mean, who wouldn't 
pay to see her in Spandex?” 

“To counterattack, there are now wom- 
en who make a career of being sex-posi- 
tive feminists. Sex-posi, Lily calls them. 
It's a submovement. These women write 
and perform and go on talk shows to ex- 
plain to the world that sex is good, sex is 
pleasurable. Susie Bright is probably the 
most proficient and vell known of these 
women. І have met her—she is sweet 
and intelligent. But I cannot believe that. 
Susie has to proselytize. That there are 
feminists who actually believe sex is bad, 
that all penetration is rape, who flock to 
the antiporn stars and kiss the hems of 
their garments. This is a hell ofa note. 

We can always blame our favorite 
whipping boys, the status-quo-driven 
media and right-wing politics. And I 


think I will. MacKinnon is a strange bed- 
fellow of the Christian Coalition (but 
Dworkin is too weird). And the media 
can point to these lunatic prudes and 
say, "Guess what, girls? These are your 
feminist role models." Women will be 
loath to identify, so we'll all just have to 
go back into the kitchen and shut the 
fuck up. 

But some media are sex-posi. On a re- 
cent episode of Mad About You, Jamie was 
so horny she lay down on a washing ma- 
chine in spin cycle, using it as a vibrator. 
On Seinfeld Elaine has complained that. 
her new boyfriend wouldn't go down on 
her. It was fabulous. Certain people 
would probably call it porn. 

Pornography is allegedly the cause of 
many sex crimes. No statistics support 
this. Women were raped before there 
were movies or even books. Violent porn 
wouldn't sell if it didn't strike a chord of 
sickness already in the psyche. 1 know 
from experience that as we get healthier, 
our fantasies get healthier. I used to get 
turned on by . . . well, never mind. 

MacKinnon, Dworkin et al. are quite 
willing to play havoc with the First 
Amendment. They won't stop shrieking. 
until pornography is made illegal. If this 
happens, things will become infinitely 
worse. Sex workers now have better 
working conditions than ever before. 
Lily raves about microwaves, clean 
dressing rooms and clothes driers. 

“But if they get their way,” she says, 
“the only thing they'll succeed in doing 
is driving the sex industry deeper un- 
derground, making it much more dan- 
gerous than it is now, 

“I am a feminist,” she continues, grab- 
bing one of my cigarettes and pretend- 
ing she smokes, “and I won't play the 
dick-sucking step-and-fetchit routine. 
All sex workers have felt exploited. Peo- 
ple are weird to you. It’s not just a job 
description, it’s a character indictment. 
At the same time, I’m discredited by 
feminists, which shows me that the 
movement has a long way to go.” 

Pornography is not evil. Most of it 
simply portrays babes who want it, and 
want it bad. The worst pornography, in 
which women are abused and raped, is 
a mirror of evil. The actual evil lurks in 


the heart. 


Introducing our newest Digital Satellite 
System. Imitations are sure to follow. 


But don't be fooled. For the 
most advanced DSS* System 


available, you want the new 


[ Separate favorie channel lists make it easier ] 


то ind sora you wanî 10 watch 
RCA brand DSS System. 
Its remote has One-Button 


Record. Highlight a show on 


One-Buttor Record means the end of 
VER programming as you know it 


the program guide, press 
record*and it programs your 
VCR for you. And our Personal Profiles feature lets several people create separate favorite channel lists, 


which you call up by clicking on a picture of yourself. You can also access the most exciting movies and 


events DIRECTV and USSB have ever offered, with laser disc quality picture and e 1 


CD sound capability’ The new RCA DSS System. We were the first to intro- 
duce it, so who better to improve it? Changing Entertainment Again: REN 


Programming wld spurte: Model DSHIORA. 


гити. D 


33 


The Cruising Spirit Lives. 


Royal Star. 70 cu. in. V-4. $13,400 
МЕРЕ Pics ray vay by desler Dess paren К үл ie ta rel, оу} 


i oes re LT so arcte Ford % 1 
ao cause, cl 1--ЫТ A700 Doral Ormond vos Ws бар ad diners ОЖ теге А 
Royal Star features a 5 year mod warranty. For the Yamaha motrcycle делег nearest you, call 1-00-85 YAMAHA. [YAMAHA] 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Your advice in March to the female 
reader who wanted to buy a vibrator was 
good, but as a woman who has enjoyed 
them for years (with and without a 
lover), I thought you could have offered 
more information. First, before you buy 
a vibrator, make sure it fits your lover's 
hand (and, cf course, your own). Large 
vibrators may look impressive, but 
they're clumsy. Second, a thinner head 
will provide a more intense vibration, as 
will a head that sits on a stem so that the 
vibrator resembles a handheld mixer. 
"Third, if you've never used a vibrator. 
before, start with one that's battery-pow- 
егей. Plug-in vibrators can be quite 
extreme. Finally, I've found that hard 
plastic vibrators are best for clitoral stim- 
ulation. But this type isn't good for in- 
sertion because it doesn't conform to the 
shape of the vagina. Latex dildos are bet- 
ter for that, but they don't offer as much 
stimulation. Everything is a wade-off— 
R.J., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 

Thanks for the tips; “Consumer Reports” 
couldn't have said it better. Another impor- 
tant feature we neglected to mention is the 
on-off switch. One expensive model we tested 
has an on-off switch that is a panel running 
the entire length of the vibrator. Unfortu- 
nately, when the vibrator is moved up and 
down—which is how many women use it— 
the device turns off and on repeatedly. Un- 
less that’s your idea of a good tease, choose a 
vibrator that has a small, discreet switch. 


V was intrigued by your reply to the 
woman who wanted to buy a vibrator to 
improve her love life. Гуе been married 
for 22 years to a wonderful man and 
have never felt the need to buy what 
were once called marital aids. Who uses 
these sorts of things?—R.C., Seattle, 
Washington 

You'd be surprised. Sex toys have long 
been big business, although marketers and 
sex researchers have yet to find any universal 
traits among regular users beyond a tenden- 
cy to drool near plastic. A study released two 
years ago by the University of Chicago did 
find that about 20 percent of a sample of 
3432 adults considered sex toys “somewhat” 
or "very" appealing. As PLAYBOY reported 
last month, a questionnaire filled out by 246 
customers of a large sex-toy catalog provided 
some interesting facts (most buyers were be- 
tween 30 and 50, most began using toys 
when they were in their 205, morc said they 
were Republicans than Democrats) that per- 
suaded the Center for AIDS Prevention 
Studies at the University of California-San 
Francisco to include questions about toys on 
its ongoing sex survey of 8000 adults. The 
findings are expected later this year. 


You've probably heard this complaint 
before: Why is it that men never bring 


women flowers once the courtship is 
over? It's not the same if I have to ask for 
them.—R.W., Trenton, New Jersey 

Once the flowers have done their job 
(catching your attention), most men seem to 
falter. Avoid saying, “You don't bring me 
flowers anymore”—it sounds like а bad song, 
and he might have a gripe of his own. 
(“Yeah, well, what happened to those great 
blow jobs?”) Instead, suggest he grab a bou- 
quet on his way home to help brighten up the 
bedroom. When he does, shower him with 
praise and demonstrate how good the flowers 
make you feel. After you've done that once or 
twice, you may be surprised at his initiative. 


Before my husband and I started dat- 
ing, he had a very active sex life. He and 
his girlfriends even made videos. He 
asked if that bothered me, and I said it 
didn't. But when I discovered where he 
hides the videos, I had pangs of regret. I 
know they are his property, but now I 
feel hurt. What should I do?—H.D., De- 
troit, Michigan 

We understand your discomfort but also 
admire your respect for your husband's pri- 
vacy. Tell him you discovered the tapes by ac- 
cident and that you feel awkward. Explain 
that you don't want him to erase his past, 
just lo remove the tapes from the house, Re- 
mind. yourself that his collection represents 
exactly that: his past (those women aren't 
coming back). Then grab the camcorder and 
make a video with him that he won't have to 
squirrel away. 


When I shave on consecutive days, my 
face feels like I applied a cheese grater to. 
it. If I don't shave every day, my girl- 
friend complains. If I force myself to 
shave every morning, vill my skin 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA 


toughen?—M.D., Baltimore, Maryland 

Shaving is hard on every guy's face, but 
there are ways to make it less so. Many men 
like to shave after a hot shower, but we've 
found that this can make your skin dry. In- 
stead, try shaving before you shower, when 
your skin is still slightly oily. Spoil yourself by 
changing the blade after every second shave, 
and by using a shaving brush and soft soap 
(ask your barber which brand he recom- 
mends). When shaving, always draw the ra- 
zor in the direction of your bcard's growth 
(preferably with twin blades, which are more 
forgiving). And be sure to use a light touch. 
Many men suffer razor burn because they 
apply too much pressure and forget to let the 
blade glide across their skin. When you're 
finished, rinse with cool water to close the 
pores, pat dry and dab on an alcohol-free af- 
tershave. Finally, apply an oil-free moistur- 
izer. You should notice less irritation. 


V would love to have anal sex with my 
girlfriend. She's willing, but only if I let 
her slide a dildo into my anus. Is that 
fair?—V.F, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 
Sounds square to us. Have her start small. 
and work her way up. The abundance of 
nerve endings around the anus provides im- 
mense pleasure, but it's not a place you just 
shove something the size of a dildo without 
plenty of lube апа preparation. More than 
one frisky female has slid a finger into her 
lover's rear while giving him a blow job or as 
he's about to come during intercourse and. 
been stunned by the surge of erotic energy. 


ІМ, girlfriend agreed to watch adult 
videos with me, but when we did, she 
said they were boring. I had gotten the 
same reaction from two former girl- 
friends, so I wasn't surprised. Why don't 
women like porn as much as men do?— 
T.R., Phoenix, Arizona 

Who says they don't? In our experience, 
they just don't enjoy bad porn as much as 
men. In an experiment by psychologist Ellen 
Т.М. Laan of the University of Amsterdam, а 
group of women screened two porn films. 
The first was the standard low-budget fuck- 
fest, the other depicted Everywoman charac- 
ters initiating and clearly enjoying sex. The 
47 female subjects knew nothing about the 
origins of either film but reported being re- 
pulsed by the first movie and excited by the 
second. Surprisingly, their physical reactions 
(measured in genital blood flow) were the 
same during both films, indicating that while 
their bodies were instinctively aroused, their 
minds were not. This sort of brain play 
doesn't seem to occur in men, since we're 
supposedly all-erection. Bul any guy knows 
that even if his penis is roch-hard, he can 
still get bored watching unimaginative fan- 
tasies (we have yet to meet a guy who has 
watched an adult movie without hitting fast- 
forward at least once). Next time, select an 


35 


PLAYBOY 


early Andrew Blake film or erotica by actress- 
turned-direcior Candida Royalle and then 
see hou your girlfriend reacts. 


Although we sometimes make love, 
more often my new boyfriend puts his 
hands behind his head, closes his eyes 
and says I can do whatever I want. Гуе 
told him this is humiliating. But he 
says because he isn't initiating the sex, I 
have no right to be upset. What do you 
think?—C.B., Atlanta, Georgia 

We're happy to confirm what you already 
suspect: You're dating an asshole. Worse, 
you're missing out on something better. 


Book up golfa year ago and am now on 
the verge of my first sub-90 round. Is it 
worthwhile to buy the more expensive 
balata balls, which supposedly give you 
more stopping power on greens but 
could magnify slight draws and fades 
into stroke-costing hooks and slices? 
Or should I stick with my Top-Flite Mag- 
nas? What's the science?—L.B., Tampa, 
Florida 

Like all beginning golfers, you're reading 
too much. It's not science, И% golf. Try the 
balatas. Count strokes. Try your two-piece 
balls. Count strokes. Go with the ball that 


gives you the lower scores. 


With all the chat services available оп 
the Internet, it seemed inevitable that I 
would meet a woman from another part 
of the country. We typed back and forth. 
for hours, then spoke on the phone for 
several more. I really feel there is chem- 
istry between us. The problem is she 
lives 2000 miles away. Does this type of 
relationship stand a chance?—B.D., San 
Francisco, California 

If there's one thing the Internet has done 
for dating, it's destroyed the virtual monop- 
oly college students once held on frustrating 
long-distance relationships. Although we 
don't like to discourage a budding romance, 
use equal parts heart and head in this one. 
You haven't met this woman, and without 
knowing her more intimately, уои can't make 
any useful judgments. Proceed with caution 
and understand that you face some formida- 
ble obstacles. At least nowadays you can have 
a challenging long-distance relationship 
without the challenging long-distance bills. 


T love to give my boyfriend blow jobs, 
but I have a habit of sucking too hard 
and sometimes leaving a hickey on the 
head of his penis. Does this cause any 
long-term damage, or is it like a hickey 
on the neck? No complaints from him, 
but it sure looks funny.—A.D., Atlantic 
City, New Jersey 

Does the phrase “Sucking the chrome off a. 
trailer hitch" mean anylhing to you? Take it 
easy. The delicate skin covering the penis 
should be tongue-washed rather than vacu- 
итей. We're sure he appreciates ycur enthu- 
siasm, but you'll probably get more of a rise 


36 ош of your boyfriend with а gentle, teasing 


blow job than by leaving red welts on his 
dick. Not only that, it's hard to find turtle- 
necks that small. 


Six months ago, I left a long-term re- 
lationship. Now I'm interested іп a 
woman I see at the gym. I haven't intro- 
duced myself because she resembles my 
ex-girlfriend. What should I do?—M.V., 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 

This is a common experience after break- 
ups. It may have less to do with subliminal 
efforts to replace your ex and more with 
Knowing what you like. If things work out 
and you get to know her better (“You look 
like someone I just broke up with" is not a 
good opening line, by the way), you'll notice 
аз many differences as similarities. If the re- 
lationship gets serious, you may well laugh 
that you ever compared the two. 


Should I lift weights before or after 
swimming or running? I've heard that 
you should lift before, but I'm usually 
too tired then to get in a good work- 
ош.-Г5., Salt Lake City, Utah 

It depends on who you ask. One exercise 
researcher says he tells people to lift first just 
зо the benches won't be all sweaty when he's 
working out. Whichever order you decide is 
best, you should include weight training and. 
aerobic exercise in the routine. If you find 
that the combination is getting the best of 
you, ease up. Lift every other day, alternat- 
ing with aerobics. Or if you can't work out 
that often, limit your lifting to 30 minutes 
and give your body at least 15 minutes to re- 
cover before hitting the pool or track. A study 
at the University of Florida Center for Exer- 
cise Science concluded that performing one 
set of lifting exercises (8 to 12 reps) three. 
times a week сап be just as beneficial as the 
standard three sets. You should use enough 
weight so that the final reps are difficult be- 
cause of muscle fatigue. 


Mam a 27-year-old law student who has 
come to understand how studying can 
induce horniness. I have many female 
colleagues in the same predicament, and 
there is no limit to the number of future 
attorneys and judges in need of a pro- 
found and thorough fucking. Following 
a recent exam, I had a drink with a beau- 
tiful redhead who sat in front of me the 
entire quarter, wiggling her astonishing- 
ly pert ass back and forth in her seat. I 
spent the next three days making love 
with her virtually nonstop, until I had to 
break things off to keep a date with a girl 
in my study group. That led to another 
two days of sex with my study partner. As 
a result, the skin on the shaft of my penis 
feels slightly raw. Am I in any danger of 
injuring myself from having too much 
sex?—H.B., Houston, Texas 

Your condition, known as honeymooner's 
burn, is nothing a few nights of sleeping 
alone won't heal. Probably. Judging from 
our knowledge of the situation. Results may 
vary. This advice is for informational pur- 


poses only. If your condition persists, see a 
doctor. (If you think we're giving an aspiring. 
lawyer any footholds, you're nuts.) 


IM, husband and 1 have three children 
and we both work full time. It used to be 
that whenever we tried to have sex, 
there would inevitably be interruptions. 
Our lives are still hectic, but we have 
solved the problem. Three nights a 
week, after the kids have gone to bed, we 
give cach other massages with baby oil. 
This gives us time to talk, and the mas- 
sage relieves stress and makes our bodies 
wonderfully soft. If we are tired we fall 
asleep holding each other. But more of- 
ten than not we feel rejuvenated and 
have fantastic sex. Maybe this will help 
other couples who want more intimacy 
but feel too harried.—H.]., San Francis- 
co, California 

Thanks for the suggestion. Quickies have 
their charm, too, but if yowre bugging out 
from a long day of work, a slow rubdown 
gives your body a chance to shift gears. The 
more relaxed you are, the more receptive 
you'll be to the touching, kissing and caress- 
ing that make for great sex. 


AA friend says that a lot of men suffer 
groin injuries because they ride their bi- 
cycles too much. Is that true?—B.G., 
Portland, Oregon 

If you spend a lot of lime pounding your 
nuis against the seat or bouncing onto the 
crossbar after hard stops, you can do serious 
damage to your abilities as a lover. Many 
bikers suffer numb penises after long rides 
because of pressure applied to the perineum, 
the area between the scrotum and anus. This 
is not good. Last year, researchers reported in 
the "Journal of Urology" (we read it so you 
don't have to) that an estimated 250,000 
American men have erectile dysfunction be- 
cause of crotch injuries they suffer while су- 
cling. To prevent problems, make sure your 
bike is large enough. There should be two to 
four inches of clearance between your geni- 
tals and the crossbar when you're standing 
fiat on your feet. Bike manufacturers now 
make split seats (two halves with a hole in 
the middle), seats filled with gel and seats 
with shock absorbers. Get опе. More impor- 
tant, take shorter rides and longer breaks. A 
penis is a terrible thing to waste. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes a self- 
addressed, siamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Send ай 
letters to The Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680. 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611, or by e-mail to advisor@playboy.com. 
Look for responses to our most frequently 
asked questions on the World Wide Web at 
‚hitp://wurw.playboy.com/fag/fag.html. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


INTERNET SEX 


it's not all bestiality, torture and alt.sex.pervert 


ЯШ irst I took a bandanna and 
affixed it as a blindfold 
"Then I went to the freezer 
and found two Popsicles. I 
took the tip of the orange Popsi- 
cle and touched it to her clit. She gig- 
gled and squirmed and guessed ‘Ice?’ 
I said, "Nope, keep guessing.’ After I 
stroked it along her outer lips and 
back up to her clit, she said she still 
couldn't guess. That's when I took 
the entire Popsicle and thrust it 
into her. She gasped and ground 
her hips against my hand. I slow- 
ly pulled the Popsicle out and in- 
serted it into my mouth. Her 
juices were dripping by now, and 
so was the Popsicle. It tzsted heav- 
enly. She said, ‘Do that again, 
please! through excited gasps. I 
did it again and again, and she 
squirmed in pleasure. This time 
she said, ‘What the hell is that?” I 
put it to her lips and said, "Taste." 
While she sucked on the orange 
Popsicle, I continued fucking her 
with the second one. Eventually I 
had to clean up: Kissing her, I 
worked my way up her thighs to 
her pussy. The tastes combined to 
make a sweet. tangy flavor that 
was like nothing I'd ever experi- 
enced. It was simply delicious. 
She came like an avalanche. It 
seems that the cold from the Pop- 
sicles had numbed her inside, but 
when my tongue entered her, it 
heated her up so fast she couldn't 
control herself." 

Seek and ye shall find. 

Last year, shortly before Con- 
gress passed a bill banning "inde- 
cency,” “filth” and “lewdness” on 
the Internet, I spent several 
months talking about sex online 
and exchanging erotic e-mail with 
reckless abandon and capitalist in- 
tent. I was collecting material for a 
PLAYBOY book to be called 365 Ways to 
Improve Your Sex Life (Plume). I hoped 
to celebrate those secret Oriental sex 
techniques we learn from our Toyota 
mechanics, or tricks gleaned from 
dog-eared copies of Delta of Venus or 
from that foreign exchange student 
back in college. 

I posted a message on PLAYBOY'S 


World Wide Web page (http://www. 
playboy.com) asking for homespun 
sex advice. Had anyone discovered 
something lust-friendly in literature? 
Had anyone learned something from 
an X-rated movie? Had anyone come 
across a reference to a mysterious sex 
trick and wondered exactly what it 
entailed? 

I learned that the Internet, along 
with its reputation as a digital confes- 


sional, is filled with people who love 
to trade information about sex. 

And I discovered that words are 
powerfully erotic—in a way that im- 
ages are not. Sex is not what hap- 
pens—it's what you notice. When you 
describe an incredible sex act you re- 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


veal the wiring, the essential tension, 
the idea behind the entertainment. 

What was the most popular sex 
trick in cyberspace? Dozens of corre- 
spondents offered some version of 
the following: 

“Sam Kinison gave out a great tip 
for when you're going down on a 
woman: Just lick the alphabet. Start 
with the capital letters and then pro- 
ceed to the lowercase ones." 

Some people have suggested 
tongue-tracing hieroglyphs, num- 
bers, the letters of the Hebrew 
alphabet, words of love—what- 
ever works. 

After I posted the alphabet 
technique one woman vrote in 
to quibble, suggesting that such 
sophomoric advice showed exact- 
ly what was wrong with American 
men. I guess she wanted her 
lover to lie there pretending his 
tongue was stuck to an ice cube 
tray. But free speech being the 
best way to correct free-but- 
sophomoric speech, another 
woman told me that the alphabet 
trick is fine—just find the one or 
two letters your lover likes best 
and repeat them over and over. 
It's the repetition, not the 
spelling bee, that works. 

The Internet offers proof that 
decent Americans have an in- 
satiable curiosity about sexual 
inventiveness. The people who 
wrote me shared an understand- 
ing—that sex is the trading of at- 
tention, enjoyment and energy, 
that the question “What are you 
doing?” is usually followed by 
“Oh God, don’t stop.” 

Next question: Had the com- 
puter corrupted any fun-loving 
couples in a way that, say, sex 

manuals, X-rated videos, dial-a-porn 
or soap operas—all known for apply- 
ing new technology to age-old sexual 
scripts—had not? One guy described 
the following: 

“My wife found it uncomfortable to 
sit on the edge of a table while we had 
sex. We were both surprised how easy 
it could be after having spur-of-the- 
moment sex in my home office with 
her sitting on my keyboard. The key- 


37 


38 


board seems to work like one of those 
foot-massager thingies, except on 
your ass." 

Some writers have tried to charac- 
terize the denizens of the Net as clue- 
less losers, housebound nerds, pale 
poseurs. But the people who explore 
sex in cyberspace push the bound- 
aries of the sexual revolution, taking 
sex out of the bedroom and into the 
beyond—into pickup trucks over- 
looking the Rio Grande, onto the top 
level of parking garages, onto dorm 
roofs, into tree houses. 

One contact wrote: "In response to 
your question: Does place matter? 
Let's see, I've made love in parks late 
at night, in a room full of people (a 
hostel), on the walkway of a light- 
house, in a moving car with me driv- 
ing, in every room of a house, on a 
sailboat, on a new mattress before it 
was unpacked, in a bathroom at work, 
in à church parking lot (on a Sun- 
day), in a college library. As often as 
I have tried variations on certain 
themes, I find the only things that 
have to be in place are me and my 
lover, with both of us wanting 
to exhaust each other. The place 
is special for the memory, 1 
suppose." 

Besides the fact that they've 
never spent much time on 
the Net, could it be that the 
members of Congress who 
voted to ban online indecency 
have never made love outside 
their bedrooms? Like social re- 
formers at the turn of the cen- 
tury, they seek to contain sexual- 
ity in a cell, in the dark, to keep 
the beast chained. That's not going 
to work. Discussions about sex are ed- 
ucational. Even quaint. Consider how 
one guy found romance through 
X-rated movies (another wedding of 
sex and technology that Congress has 
attempted to control): 

"Regarding your plea for sex tips 
and tricks (and traps?), I submit the 
following somewhat romantic way to 
spend an evening with your partner. 
If the two (or more) of you are inter- 
ested in erotic films, a great way to 
make the experience all the more 
erotic is to view a film naked under a 
duvet while slowly caressing your 
partner's genitalia (or other erotic 
bits). The basic idea is that by keeping 
a finger on the pulse’ of your lover's 
eroticism, you can get an idea of what 
in the film really turns him or her on. 
Of course, most people can't do this 
without getting carried away and 
making love or having some other 
fun, but that's why the nice people 


who make VCRs include a PAUSE but- 
ton. 1 have done this with several of 
my lovers and the experience really is 
amazing. Sitting there holding each 
other, stroking, watching, yet keeping 
somewhat secretive adds something 
mysterious, an element of fantasy.” 

It is a cliché to insist that cyber- 
space is an anarchic kingdom with no 
boundaries, that it exists in the imag- 
ination. Tell that to the prosecutor in 
Germany who briefly bullied Com- 
puserve into denying subscribers ac- 
cess to sexual news groups. Still, I 
found that you can reach out and 
touch someone halfway around the 
world: 

“My Thai wife showed me a special 
meditation technique a few years ago 
when We were ona deserted Burmese 
beach. After meditating for some 45 
minutes in the lotus position, she took 
off her clothes and waded into the 
warm water. She got on her hands 


If 


Congress 


succeeds, you won't 


be able to share this 


"indecent" infor- 
mation on the 


Internet. 


and knees and continued to meditate, 
but this time she moved her hips 
slowly. She told me later that she was 
completely relaxed and focused on 
invisible forces making love with her. 
She did not touch herself—only the 
water and the wind touched her 
body. After about 15 minutes she had 
a powerful orgasm. I then joined her 
for the next hour as the sun set over 
the Indian Ocean." 

One of the highlights of talking 
about sex on the Internet is the sus- 
pense. Does the phrase “Host Con- 
tacted Awaiting Response" get your 
juices flowing? In chat groups, it's not 
what the person says next that creates 
heat—it's the anticipation. Some of 
my contributors elevated teasing to 
anart: 

“Try entering your lover's nest inch 


by inch. At each level stop and ask if 
that is enough. Wait for her answer. 
She'll go crazy.” 

The Net is filled with special-inter- 
est groups. As a result, you can talk 
with experts in arcane fields any time 
you want. One morning my e-mail 
contained this posting from a film 
scholar: 

“Have you seen Louis Malle's das- 
sic film The Lovers? Jeanne Moreau 
spends an entire night with a young 
man. It is one of the most languid, 
sensual encounters ever filmed, and it 
is a catalog of elegant techniques. 
When they make love in her bed- 
room, Moreau traces words of love on 
her partner's back. (Try that wich 
your mate—see if she can guess what 
you are spelling.) But the best part? 
Moreau draws a cool bath, something 
she says she does every hot night. 
After making love, she and her lov- 
er slip into the water for more love- 
making. The following morning the 
young man takes a sip of the bathwa- 
ter to quench his thirst.” 

The people I heard from were 
not at all afraid to eroticize new 
technology: 
“I read about this guy in my 
local paper. He would call a 
woman and pretend to be her 
boyfriend. In a whisper he 
would tell her to leave the 
door unlocked and to get into 
bed blindfolded. Then he 
would walk in and have sex 
with her. He apparently suc- 
ceeded with several women, 
some of whom enjoyed more 
than one session before discover- 
ing his ruse. According to the story, 
he also talked women into masturbat- 
ing in front of open windows. If it 
works with strangers, think of what it 
will add to your relationship. I've 
parked outside my girlfriend's house 
with a cellular phone and arranged 
private shows. Very hot.” 

The irony of modern American 
politics is that I can tell you what I 
learned online about sex in the pages 
of PLAYBOY. You can also walk into 
your bookstore and ask for a copy of 
the book that resulted from my re- 
search. And, having read the materi- 
al, you and your beloved can jump 
each other's bones from a dizzying 
height and reach new levels of bliss. 
You may be inspired to come up with 
your own technique, one that will 
lower the divorce rate and put new 
meaning into a meaningful relation- 
ship. But if Congress succeeds, you 
won't be able to share this “indecent” 
information on the Internet. 


LUST-FREE LIBRARIES 


playing hide-and-seek with sex 


Last year, America suffered the first 
of many hysterical attacks on sex on 
the Internet. "Sin is just a click away,” 
thundered Washington politicians. 
“How do we protect the children?” 

What Congress had discovered was 
the world’s largest public library, 
complete with indexes and cross-ref- 
erencing. Like a library, the Internet 
would be difficult to use without some 
kind of catalog or road map. When a 
book is cataloged in a library, it is as- 
signed subject headings and entered 
in a database. You locate it on the 
shelves by searching for its author, its 
title or key words that de- 
scribe its content. When 
material is posted on the 
Net, it gets much the same 
treatment in online catalogs 
and indexes. By typing in 
key words such as nudity, 
centerfold, fiction or Hef- 
ner, for example, you might 
be directed to PLAYBOY's on- 
line site. 

"The debate over access to 
sexual material on the In- 
ternet made us wonder how 
libraries have handled the 
issue. Unfortunately, the 
typical library catalog is 
lacking when it comes to 
sex. The most obvious key 
words aren't there, and 
when you do find a sexual 
topic, there are usually few 
books listed. When it comes 
to sex education, many li- 
brary catalogs are about as 
useful as a subscription to 
the Congressional Record. 

We also learned some- 
thing that many librarians 
already know: А controversial book 
doesn't have to be banned or burned 
to bury its message. It simply can be 
hidden, or placed out of reach. A 
book that is poorly cataloged, for i 
stance, is much less likely to be discov- 
ered on the shelves. 

Given the power of catalogs, it's not. 
surprising that the most influential 
force in deciding where books are 
placed in American libraries is the 
federal government, in the form of 


the Library of Congress. The LOC 
asks publishers to send a copy of 
every book they print to Washington, 
where each is examined and assigned 
standard catalog headings. Although 
a few libraries fiddle with these offi- 
cial classifications, most accept them 
as gospel. If a book receives a bad 
shake in Washington, it will probably 
be relegated to a dark corner on 
shelves everywhere. 

Here's how it works with sex: If you 


were searching for information about 
the sex industry in New York before 
zoning laws chased it out of town, 
where would you look in a library cat- 
alog? Most likely you wouldn't check 
headings such as Times Square: So- 
cial Conditions, New York: Social Life 
and Customs or any variations of 
the two. That's too bad, since exactly 
the type of book you're after—]osh 
Alan Friedman's Tales From Times 
Square—was originally cataloged only 


under those headings. 

Even though it contains such chap- 
ters as "Inside the Peeps" and 
"Queen of the Gang Bang," Fried- 
man's work was not shelved any- 
where near sex by the LOC. Similarly, 
The Playboy Book: Forty Years, which 
contains some 1000 photographs, can 
be found only under the magazine's 
name and not with other books on 
Photography of the Nude or Erotic 
Photography. Nor will you find the 
work of Robert Mapplethorpe under 
those headings. Nicholson Baker's 
erotic novel Vox was given no subject 
heading (a common prac- 
tice with fiction, poetry and 
drama), which means that 
you won't stumble across 
it while searching through 
Erotic Fiction: Telephone 
Sex or Erotic Fiction: 
Masturbation. 

The perceived villai 
all this is the LOC, which 
has traditionally been re- 
luctant to add slang to its 
catalogs (“We tend to take 
the high road,” says a 
spokesman). It also cites 
limited resources that 
make it difficult to thor- 
oughly catalog the vast 
number of books it process- 
es each year—187,934 in 
1995 alone. But some li- 
brarians argue that the 
government's reluctance to 
expand these headings 
smacks of elitism: Unless 
you know medical termi- 
nology or Latin, you 
shouldn't be reading about 
sex. The LOC does have 
scores of headings for erotica and 
sexuality, but few are in streetwise 
language such as Balls (you have to 
know to check Testes) or Fucking 
(officially, it’s Sexual Intercourse). 
Many headings are also absurdly anti- 
quated: Sex Education is under Sex 
Instruction, and if you're interested 
in Sexual Freedom, pray some sym- 
pathetic (and horny?) librarian points 
you to Free Love. 

Critics argue that with a little effort, 


the LOC could open many more 
paths to sexual literacy. One grass- 
roots coalition, the Cataloging Con- 
sumers Network, has urged the 
Library to expand its headings to in- 
clude Adult Bookstores, Dildos, Erot- 
ic Humor, Erotic Role-Playing, Erotic 
Talk, Feminism and Sexuality, Gay 
Films, Homophobia in the Armed 
Forces, Interracial Sex, Lesbian Erot- 
ica, Nudes in Films, Romantic Love, 
Sex Aids, Sex Clinics, Sex Manuals, 
Sex Scandals, Sex Tourism, Sexual 
Massage, Sexual Revolution and 
Strip Clubs, among others. 

Don't hold your breath, although 
the Library has added subjects such 
as AIDS Activists, Fetishism, Hetero- 
sexuality and Telephone Sex. And, to 
its credit, the library cataloged a new 
dictionary called The F Word under 
Fuck (The English Word). 

The LOC also points out that its 
catalog is the standard by default, not 
mandate, and that other libraries are 
free to add to, delete or change its 
headings. That shifts the burden to 
local librarians, many of whom recog- 
nize the importance of making infor- 
mation about sex readily accessible. 
"They realize that most people feel un- 
comfortable asking a stranger for di- 
rections to sex manuals. 

Sadly, many librarians must weigh 
the political risks of adding books 
about sex to their collections, espe- 
cially those that include photographs. 
They may be helped by For Sex Educa- 
tion: See Librarian, by Martha Cornog 
and Timothy Perper, which recom- 
mends 600 quality books about sex 
for public libraries and schools. 

Not surprisingly, there is a vocal 
conservative side to the debate. 
Karen Jo Gounard, a Virginia mom 
who founded a group called Family 
Friendly Libraries after spotting a gay 
newspaper at her local library, allows 
that a well-stocked library should in- 
clude titles such as Hitler's Mein 
Kampf, "fine literary works" and oth- 
er controversial books "regardless of 
their position on traditional family 
values." The caveat, however, is that 
public libraries "have special child 
protection responsibilities that may 
require some adult wants and needs 
to take a lower priority. Visitors may 
have to find sex manuals, for exam- 
ple, on a high shelf in the midst of 
similar books in a special area away 
from the kids, rather than displayed 
openly within easy reach as they enter 
the library.” In FFEs perfect world, li- 
brarians would buy only books that 
"help our citizens understand the im- 
portance of the traditional family," 


avoid displays that might be "inap- 
propriate or potentially harmful to 
minors" and consider, in everything 
they do, "the sensibilities of the li- 
braries' youngest patrons." 

FFL would have librarians play the. 
role of intellectual cop, charged with 
policing sexual materials by hiding 
them behind counters or in locked 
"adult" rooms. Where does that leave 
the curious library visitor who feels 
shy or ignorant about sex—in other 
words, most Americans? There's a 
better solution, and it's already in 
place. Despite Gounard's demand 
that libraries create them, many al- 
ready have special areas for certain 
books—narnely, those written for chil- 


dren. Cornog and Perper point out 
that "most libraries have children’s 
collections and children's librarians, 
and kids don't stray much into the 
adult stacks. If they do, librarians 
usually chase them away so their 
peanut butter-smeared hands don't 
leave goo over everything. Gounard's 
tactics are really aimed at adults, and 
hers is the censor's desire to prevent 
books from reaching adult readers." 

That tells you all you need to know 
about the debate over sex on the In- 
ternet. Congress and groups such as 
FFL say they want to protect chil- 
dren. The problem is, they want 
adults to read, think and converse 
like children too. 


SURFWATCH ROAD TEST 


W hen Congress began mak- 
ing noise about censoring 
“filth and indecency” on the In- 
ternet, Silicon Valley respond- 
ed with $50 programs that pre- 
vent underage Net surfers from 
accessing adult material. The 
most popular of these, Surf- 
watch, works by restricting ac- 
cess to a list of 2100 sexually 
oriented online sites (induding 
PLAYBOY's) and by blocking 
thousands of sites that contain 
terms such as sex, porn, inter- 
course, penis, vagina, smut, 
blowjob, erotic, fuck or XXX in 
their addresses. When a user 
tries to reach a restricted site, 
the filter returns the message 
BLOCKED BY SURFWATCH and an 
otherwise blank screen. 
Surfwatch and programs like 
it are effective but—like any at- 
tempt at censorship—far from. 
perfect. Even while using Surf- 
watch, we were able to view as- 
sorted nude photos; the pro- 
gram can be updated only 
monthly, so new sites fall 
through the cracks. Surfwatch 
also has its idiosyncrasies: 
When we tested it, addresses 
that contained the words shit, 
piss, cocksucker and blow job 
(as two words) were not 
blocked. Boobs was restricted; 
tits, breasts and mammary 
glands were not. Asshole was 
filtered; ass was not. Nude was 
forbidden; naked was not. Surf- 


watch allows access to a list of 
abortion clinics but blocks sites 
that describe safe sex. We were 
able to download Lady Chatter- 
leys Lover (from the Banned 
Books site), study the cover of 
the Dead Kennedys album To 
Drunk to Fuck and memorize 
George Carlin's list of 2443 
“dirty words and phrases." 

An extension of the program 
allows parents to add their own 
naughty sites and words to the 
Surfwatch list, giving them the 
ability to protect their kids from | 
the expanse of carnal knowl- 
edge mom and pop have accu- 
mulated over the years. And 
while Surfwatch does frustrate 
most attempts to get to the 
good stuff, Row much does a 
kid need to become “corrupt- 
ed”? Because it relies on the 
judgment of the people who 
program it, and because the 
Net changes constantly, no anti- 
smut catalog can be complete. 

The problem with the idea 
that someone can be kept inno- 
cent by blocking access to "bad" 
words was best expressed by 
Carlin, who for years has railed 
against the absurdity of lan- 
guage taboos ("You can prick 
your finger, but you can’t finger 
your prick"). Censorship of any 
kind relies on the fiawed belief 
that blocking certain words or 
ideas can keep anyone innocent 
for long. —ER. 


N E W 


SFR 


Ора NL 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


PORTLAND, MAINE— Don't talk back to 
police, even when the officer is a dog. A 
cop nabbed a 20-year-old man for barking 
at the officer's canine partner. According to 
Police, the suspect and a friend were teas- 


ing the German shepherd, which was 
locked inside a patrol сал, when the officer 
interrupted the barking contest. The dog 
went on to finish its shift, but the human. 
spent an hour in the slammer and must ap- 
pear in court on a charge of taunting a po- 
lice dog, a misdemeanor. 


WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND— The Wel- 
lington Art Gallery denied a woman access 
to an adults-only exhibition of photos by 
Robert Mapplethorpe because she had 
brought along her nine-day-old baby. Crit- 
ics have denounced Mapplethorpe for his 
interesting mix of pretty flowers and homo- 
sexual activity, and the New Zealand Cen- 
sors Office ruled the exhibit off limits to mi- 
mors, whether or not their eyes can focus. 
"It's something we can't risk," said the 
gallery's director. The world's first case of 
postpartum depravity was thus averted. 


TORONTO—Fundamentalists say they 
have found sex in Walt Disney films. Now 
pornography has been discovered on Pepsi 
machines in public schools in Toronto. 
Laura Jones, head of the Status of Women 


Committee of the Toronto Board of Educa- 
tion, says some people can look at the im- 
ages on the machines and see a breast- 
shaped ice cube, the word sex written on 
three of the cubes and a tiny woman reclin- 
ing in a bead of water on a soda can. “I 
feel it could be dangerous to allow compa- 
‘nies to come into our schools and advertise 
like this,” says Jones. A Pepsi spokesperson 
Says the pictures are actual photographs 
and were not altered in any way. 


COPENHAGEN—Annoyed that two of 
their more troubled students had been 
barred from summer camp, a couple of 
camp counselors allegedly arranged for the 
pair of 17-year-olds to share a prostitute as 
а consolation prize. The boys paid for the 
treat, a newspaper reported, and took 
turns enjoying themselves in the backseat 
of a school bus. 


BRAMPTON, ONTARIO—A 32-year-old 
Brampton resident terrorized the Aren't We 
Naughty sex shop with a ten-inch vibrat- 
ing phallus. Police say he removed the dil- 
do from its package and began using it 
anally on the premises. When told to leave, 
he advanced on a female clerk but then 
turned the vibrator on himself, using it 
orally before taking flight. Police charged 
the suspect with multiple counts of commit- 
ting an indecent act. 


PITTSBURGH—A Pennsylvania man 
found cut the hard way that if he thinks 
he's a father and acts like a father, he must 
support a child as a father—even if the 
child isn't his. The man in question signed 
papers acknowledging paternity after the 
birth of a baby girl. After finding out the 
child was not actually his, the man sought 
to cut off child support. A judge ruled that 
under state law, he must continue monthly 
payments for the girl, who is now eight. 
Most states have similar laws. The non- 
dad has appealed. 


TEHRAN—The city bus service does not 
allow men and women to ride together. 
Each gender has a separate area in which 
to stand or sit. Now the city has extended 


the two-tier system to minibuses, The mu- 
nicipal official in charge reasons that 
if ten men brush against each of the 
370,000 daily female riders, 3.7 million 
sins are committed every day.” 


DENVER—Does the love of your life 
have a wandering eye? Does he or she yield 
to temptation? Now you can find out 
whether or not they are willing to flirt with 
danger. For about $125, Mate Check In- 

vestigations will do a background check 
and stage а supposedly chance encounter 
between your significant other and а babe 
(or hunk) who suggests а tempting oppor- 
tunity for a dalliance, no strings attached. 
The tempter wears a hidden tape recorder. 
Ah, trust. 


miami—Members of a girls’ cross-coun- 
try team had to give up their third-place 
state finish because a referee ruled their 
French-cut running shorts were too risqué. 
The High School Activities Association 
bans high-cut briefs, even though they're 
worn by several Olympic athletes. The Mi- 
ami Gulliver Prep School team had used 
them all season with no complaints. The 
association deputy commissioner who tried 
to explain the ruling said that if the shorts 


were white the giri 
show.” A team member's father asked the 
official if he was there to watch the race or 
to watch private parts. 


' “private parts might 


42 


SEX LIES 
1 have never enjoyed any 
Playboy Forum article as much as 
I did Marty Klein's "The Sex 
Lies of the Religious Right" 
(January). By concocting reli- 
gious fantasies about a sexless 
world, the religious right ig- 
nores one simple fact of evolu- 
tion: curiosity. 
Ed Munir 
Eagan, Minnesota 


Is this what today's religious 
leaders have come to? Can't 
they find anything else to con- 
cern themselves with other 
than whether or not their 13- 
year-old son has had an егес- 
tion? Are we to believe that our 
sodety should be full of sexual- 
ly incoherent automatons? 
Even if we allow that in today's 
society there is a sexual free- 
dom that could be considered 
unhealthy, let's be realistic 
about the situation. Can you 
honestly find 100 teenagers 
who would turn down a look at 
a pin-up or a roll in the hay be- 
cause they wouldn't want to 
make Jesus angry? My advice to 
the right: Learn to live with 
your sexuality and leave those 
of us who are comfortable with 
ours alone. 

Sean Finsel 
Tokyo, Japan 


Klein reveals obvious prob- 
lems with the way the religious 
right views sex. You must ask, If 
the wrongheadedness of mem- 
bers of the right's view of sex is 
so obvious to us, why do they. 


to see it? People submerged 
religion accept beliefs by 
faith without evidence. They 
surround themselves vith 
friends who believe as they do, 
and they never question their 
beliefs. They are blinded to the 
real world. The funny thing is 


how members of the religious right see 
themselves as the saved righteous and 
all others as the wicked lost. The reality 
is that the so-called lost souls are the 
ones who possess understanding and 
compassion for the needs of others, in- 
cluding women who have unwanted 
pregnancies, young people who need 
contraceptives and homosexuals who 


FOR THE RECORD 


LEAVE IT TO THE EXPERTS 


ORS 
ТАУҒА ТУМЕН; 


"What sorts of social and sexual behaviors аге 
likely to be offensive to many, if not most, indi- 
viduals attending a meeting of the Society for 
the Scientific Study of Sexuality? Although this 
list is far from exhaustive, here are some behav- 
iors that most of us would define as sexual 
harassment: 

(1) Making contemptuous or hostile remarks 
about women (or men) in general, (2) Telling a 
‘joke’ that belies people on the basis of their 
sexual orientation, (3) Calling an individual an 
‘asexual prude’ for disagreeing with an opinion 
or action, (4) Saying, ‘I really like your nipples’ 
(or ass) to someone who is not an intimate ac- 
quaintance, (5) Staring at someone's crotch dur- 
ing a conversation on mutual professional con- 
cerns, (6) Insisting on hugging, stroking or 
kissing someone who stiffened or moved away 
after a previous attempt at touching, (7) Making 
а sexual advance after the recipient conveyed no 
interest, (8) Discussing a conference attendee's 
alleged past or present sexual behavior in a pub- 
lic setting at the meeting without his or her pri- 
or consent." 

—NAOMI MCCORMICK, PRESIDENT OF THE SOCIETY 
FOR THE SCIENTIFIC STUDY OF SEXUALITY, IN А 
NEWSLETTER TO MEMBERS (THOSE MUST BF SOME 
CONFERENCES) 


leading godly lives, who are more in 
touch with what is right than the so- 
called righteous. 
Michael Shearer 
Tualatin, Oregon 


Don't forget the power of г 
over the government. Our existing 


laws reflect mostly Christian 
values. In many states, oral and 
other “nonstandard” sexual 
practices are illegal. All in all 
1 agree with Klein's opinions 
in his article, but stating that 
thousands of children are mo- 
lested by priests is just throw- 
ing mud in the other direction. 
Every year many, many more 
children are molested by "loved 
ones" than by priests. 

Mike Schwitzing 

Sun Valley, Arizona 


The assertion by Marty Klein 
that distorting facts somehow 
disqualifies people from run- 
ning our country is both absurd. 
and naive. Of course members 
of the religious right distort 
facts—they have an agenda. 
But does Klein hold Bill Clin- 
ton, the Democratic party, the 
National Organization for Wom- 
en, environmentalists and ani- 
mal-rights and gun-control 
activists to the same high stan- 
dards? Perhaps Klein's sub- 
heading, "How Conservatives 
Distort the Facts of Life," re- 
veals his own liberal political 
agenda. Politics is an arena of 
ideas, but wouldn't it be re- 
freshing if total and unbiased 
honesty were its foundation? 
Truth isn't subjective. Opinions 
are nothing more than the 
manifestations of one's distance 
from the truth. 

Robert Bartley 
Milton, Florida 


An important aspect of al- 
most every religion is to make 
sex something shameful and 
sinful. There may be several 
reasons for this, but the most 
important is that sex is a neces- 
sity, like food and clothes. As 
long as the church and reli- 
gious leaders can convince 
their followers that sex is a 


have special needs. They are the ones crime, there will always be something 
to confess and atone for. 


Jan Sagli 
Trondheim, Norway 


1 enjoyed reading “Sex Lies” and 
wholeheartedly agree that we should 
not let the religious right control 
America. Perhaps it was best said by 


Raymond Bruckberger, a French 
priest: "Fanatic love of virtue has done 
more to damage men and society than 
all of the vices put together." 

Clare Goldsberry 
Phoenix, Arizona 


John Kennedy's quote about the 
great enemy of truth is on target. Be- 
fore the rise of the religious right there 
was psychological research into the dif- 
ferences in attitude toward sexu: 
between highly religious and moder- 
ately religious persons. A study con- 
ducted some years ago reported on the 
responses of two groups of subjects 
who consented to view explicitly sexual 
films and report the number of erotic 
thoughts that they had about them. 
The subjects classified themselves as 
ther highly religious or moderately re- 
ligious. The results demonstrated that 
people with strong religious orienta- 
tions do not have any more or fewer 
erotic thoughts than the average popu- 
lation—they just get more upset about 
it. It therefore seems reasonable to 
conclude that the extremely religious 
people vho are part of the religious 
right lack basic coping skills regarding 
their sexual impulses. What is particu- 
larly sad is that these adults cannot pass 
healthy coping skills on to their own 
children. The sizable population of the 
religious right may be shrill, annoying, 
even frightening in its attempts to cur- 
tail basic choices for the rest of society, 
but its children will have fewer oppor- 
tunities to experience a normal and 
satisfying part of being human. 

Ron Dickinson 
Starkville, Mississippi 


As a new believer in Christ, I would 
like to offer a word of caution to those 
who read Marty Klein's article. Please 
don't let the personal failures of certain 
religious leaders detract from Chris- 
tian and biblical messages about sex. 1 
have finally arrived at the point where 
I can honor sex by reserving it for the 
marriage bed. That came about not by 
listening to obsessive leaders but by 
listening to what God has to say on 
the issue. 

Frank Olson 
Dallas, Texas 


RIDICULOUS REDUX B 
When I read “The Ridiculous Right" _ 

(The Playboy Forum, December) 1 had to 

watch my copy of The Lion King and | 


look at the cloud scene frame by frame. 
Though I really tried to see it, I could 
not find the word sex hidden in the 
clouds. The priest in The Little Mermaid, 
however, is sporting a woodrow! As for 
the rest, I guess I'm not smart enough 
to pick up on those subtle signs, as I 
have an IQ of only 145. I always 
thought Disney movies had good sto- 
ries and seemed to teach my kids good 
values. If you look hard enough you 
can find the bad in anything. Maybe we 
should all just relax and stop pointing 
fingers. I hope Michael Eisner has a 
subscription to PLAYBOY. He'll get a kick 
out of this one. 
Chris Carnes 
Broken Arrow, Oklahoma 
p 


í 


FORBIDDEN FRUIT 


I can see your point. There are a few 
overzealous people in the religious 
right. However, they do not fully rep- 
resent the religious right. I am an ac- 
tive member of a traditional right 
church and am ashamed to be associat- 
ed with some evangelists. You attack 
the religious right without taking a 
good sampling of the people therein. 
Most of the people with whom I associ- 
ate in the church are against pornogra- 
phy, but we do not have a subconscious 
fear of or aversion to sex. Nor do we 
look at Where's Waldo for naked breasts. 
We are people who try to live good lives 
according to God's word in the Bible. 
We try to raise our kids with values and 
live our lives with virtue. If you have a 
problem with that, you are insecure in 


ы 


“Pornography is as unpopular with most governments as seditious 
rhetoric is because it has a similar function. Political dissidents voice their 
discontent with business-as-usual; they say out loud that the emperor 
has no clothes. Pornography is the 
grand brawling voice of sexual frustra- 
tion and panic. It is the only media we 
have that reliably attacks sex and gen- 
der and says, What I have isn't good 
enough, I don't believe I am the 
person they say I am, this isn't 
working. I need something differ- 
ent, I need somebody different, 
1 need more! Pornography is to 
our injured 20th century libidos 
what medieval churches were 
to thieves on the run: sanctuary, 
an unconditional refuge from 
normalcy and inadequacy, a 
respite from responsibility, 
failed relationships, imperfect. 
physiques and baffled geni- 
talia. Despite its tendency to 
become commercialized, like 
everything from food to 
medicine to air in a capitalis- 
tic society, visiting the realm 
of pornography is a good 
deal more healthy and a 
damn sight cheaper than the 
compulsory annual pilgrimages some peo- 
ple make to Disney World." 


—PAT CALIFIA, IN Forbidden Passages (CLEIS PRESS, PITTSBURGH). AN ANTHOL- 
ОСҮ OF EXCERFTS FROM BOOKS SEIZED BY CUSTOMS AND BANNED IN CANADA. 
NOT SURPRISINGLY, CANADA TAGGED THIS BOOK "FORBIDDEN" 


43 


your position. In short, I dislike the 
way you group all conservative Chris- 
tians with a minority group of radi- 
cals. It is a hasty generalization, and it 
does the same thing to us that Pat 
Robertson is doing to you. 

Eric Buitenhuis 

Grand Rapids, Michigan 


James R. Petersen hits it right on 
the nose in "The Ridiculous Right" 
with the sentence, "Where do they 
find these guys?" Dor't the reverends 
have anything better to trash? 
Maybe unimportant things like 
theft, rape and murder. Per- 
haps they should watch more 
reality-based news than fantasy 
cartoons and animated movies. 

How do they feel about board 
games? Are there any evilagen- 
das in Eat at Ralph's? Big John? 
How about Сооеу Louie? For the 
record, my four-year-old refers 
to Bert and Ernie as friends or 
brothers and not as men or 
fathers. 

Christina DeWitt 

Manassas, Virginia 


It just goes to show you that 
in this world, there will always 
be someone who will take good, 
innocent things like Sesame 
Street and Barney and warp 
them to fit his own twisted 
agenda. When I was a kid, Bert. 
and Ernie helped me learn to 
count, read and pronounce 
words, so I'm appalled at what 
the reverends Chambers and 
Wildmon said about those 
characters. 1 watched those shows for 
many years when I was young and 
thought of the characters as best 
friends, maybe even as brothers, but 
never as homosexual. Now I am 19 and 
I seem to have turned out just fine. 
Daniel Statkowski 
Cherry Tree, Pennsylvania 


The artide entitled "The Ridicu- 
lous Right," however amusing, has 
dark and sinister implications. More 
and more religious groups are be- 
coming quasi-political, marching un- 
der the banner of family values and 
common decency. In truth, many of 
these people are simply hatemongers, 
preaching intolerance, bigotry and 
racism. We may laugh at the idea of. 
Barney being a devil-worshiping per- 
vert teaching kids satanic rituals, but 
these right-wing wackos are becom- 
ing more mainstream. What if Bert 
and Ernie are gay? A children's show 
depicting the virtues of tolerance and 


understanding—is that such a sick 
and evil thing? Never have I had oc- 
casion to second-guess Sesame Street, 
and, however much I loathe Barney, 
I continue to watch along with my 
niece and nephew and, OK, occasion- 
ally even sing along to the songs. We 
should all be so tolerant. 

Andrew Kenny 

Lancashire, England 


PUBLICDISSERVICE | 


When the Seattle. Department of 
Public Health took its ll 
safe sex to the streets it brought 

oe a sense of humor. Not so | 


most popular SE intown. 


The facts upon which the Rev- 
erend Joseph Chambers relies seem 
to be that Bert and Ernie live in the 
same house and sleep in the same 
bedroom, cook and eat together, tend 
plants and share clothes. Chambers 
states: "If this isn't meant to represent 
a homosexual union, I can't imagine 
what it's supposed to represent." 
Most men in military dorms share a 
bedroom with another man. Are they 


necessarily homosexual? Since when 
is growing a plant or eating with a 
male friend a clear sign of homosexu- 
ality? Would it make Chambers hap- 
py if Bert were sleeping with Maria or 
if Ernie got slapped with a paternity 
suit? The fact is, Bert and Ernie are 
puppets. And if they represent any- 
thing, they represent that your best 
friend will be there when you need 
him. As Petersen asks in closing, 
“When will the ridiculous right 
grow up?" 

Patrick Dalessandro 

Biloxi, Mississippi 


Petersen is right when he 
states that the accusations 
against Bert and Ernie and The 
Lion King ате ridiculous. How- 
ever, it needs to be said that 
those crazy ideas are not en- 
dorsed by the majority of con- 
servative Christians. In fact, 
some Christian parents prefer 
these shows to anything else 
their kids watch. The people 
in my church seem extremely 
well adjusted socially and sex- 
ually and find great fulfillment 
in their marriages. Both the 
left and right have their 
weirdos, but they speak only 
for themselves. Yes, Ї am a con- 
servative, but my views are not 
ridiculous. 

Shelley Sonnenberg 
Ilwaco, Washington 

While we understand that the 
extreme right doesn't speak for all 
Christians or conservatives, some- 
body needs to tell the zealots. In the 

meantime, they've found new prey in none 
other than the dark and insidious tooth 
fairy. Reportedly the righteous Reverend 
Ernest Furlong of Athens, Georgia has 
launched a nationwide campaign to ban 
the mythical sprite, whom he calls a "minc- 
ing little fruitcake.” Anguished over the 
idea that his own son might think the crea- 
ture is an appropriate role model, Furlong 
wants to see all promotional materials 
banned, and he petitioned Congress to pass 
a bill declaring the tooth fairy a danger to 
children. We would hate to see that happen 
before Furlong is hauled in by the Ameri- 
can Dental Association and made to ac- 
count for his sociological dementia. 


We would like to hear your point of 
view, Send questions, opinions end quirky 
stuff to: Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime phone number. Fax number: 312- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com 
(please include city and state) 


The dining rooms on most cruise ships 
have told their smoking guests to ship out. 
For Benson & Hedges 100's, rock the boat. 


=. BES 27. 


BENSON&HEDGES 100% 


THE LENGTH YOU GO TO FOR PLEASURE 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING. Cigarette E УЛЛЫ ОАА КЕ 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1996 
15 mg “tar? 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


Б COMPANY LIMITED: ©1995 BACABDI-MARTINI US А. INC. MIAMI, Fe. RUM SPEOI 


morus. RAY BRADBURY 


a candid conversation with science fiction’s grand master on the future of space 
travel, computer flimflams, political correctness and why he’s always right 


Even at the age of 75, there’s something 
childlike about Ray Bradbury. He bounces 
with enthusiasm, he nearly always wears 
shorts and his homes are stocked with toys— 
from the statue of Bultwinkle that presides 
over the basement of his Los Angeles home to 
the nine-foot dinosaur that occupies its own 
bed at his desert hideaway. 

Bradbury is fascinated with bigger toys, 
too. Like spaceships (real ones) and Mar- 
tians (imaginary ones). With his white hair 
and grinning, ruddy face, he defies you to 
take hin seriously. But then he starts talking 
and you realize you're in the presence of а 
vast mind whose interests span the galaxy. 
His writing has baffled people much the 
same way. His early work was ignored—af- 
ter all, it was science fiction and was thus 
treated with the scorn often saved for comic 
books and romance novels. 

“The Martian Chronicles,” “Dandelion 
Wine,” "Fahrenheit 451," “The Illustrated 
Man” and other Bradbury works came out 
at a time when science fiction was deemed a 
refuge for hacks and would-be writers who 
droned on in technical prose about gizmos 
and gadgets of their imaginations. Brad- 
bury, however, was no drone. His prose 
soared like literature, and he populated his 
tales with appealing characters and inven- 
tive contraptions, Beyond that, he intro- 


duced challenging themes and asked the 
complex questions that had been the province 
of serious novelists. No one in science fiction 
had asked them before. 

Today, in this age of “Star Trek” and “The 
X Files,” it’s hard to imagine life without 
Bradbury's influence. In addition to his 
books, he has published more than 500 short 
stories and hundreds of teleplays, plus stage 
plays, operas, essays, nonfiction and the 
screenplay for John Huston’s version of 
“Moby Dick.” He gives 50 lectures a year 
and is consulted by a variety of professions, 
from space science to municipal government. 
Having trouble geiting the residents of your 
city to use mass transit? Bradbury can offer 
a quick fix. Are you the owner of a dying 
mall? Bradbury will tell you how to bring 
back the customers. Disney hired him to help 
design Epcot, and NASA flew him to Cape 
Canaveral to lecture astronauts. 

Yet Bradbury seldom sees any of his work 
reviewed in “The New York Times,” “The 
New Yorker,” “The Atlantic” or any other 
house organs of the intelligentsia. Science 
fiction purists scoff at his attempts at poetry 
and metaphoric fancy. Undaunted, he rises 
each morning and heads to the typewriter 
(computers, he complains, are too quiel) to 
write, a habit that began when he was a teen 
in Los Angeles. 


In 1934, Bradbury's father, made jobless 
by the Depression, moved his family from 
Waukegan, Illinois to Los Angeles, where he 
found a steady job and an apartment right 
in the middle of Hollywood. Itwas a magical 
summer for the 14-year-old Bradbury, who 
voller-skated to movie premieres, studio gates 
and the Broum Derby to badger movie stars 
for autographs. 

He was determined to break into show 
business and nagged George Burns so persis- 
tently that Burns finally used some of Brad- 
bury’s writing in the vignettes that closed the 
“Burns and Allen” radio show. With no 
money for college, he spent three years after 
high school selling newspapers and every 
free moment reading at the library and 
browsing local bookstores. He also took a 
writing class and sold his first story (for 
$13.75). At 22, he found his writer's voice 
with the short story "The Lake," which gave 
him the confidence to write full-time. In an- 
other burst of confidence, he asked a young 
bookstore clerk out for coffee. Maggie is the 
only woman he has ever dated, and in 1947 
he married her (they are still together and 
arc the parents of four grown daughters). 
Over the next few years he eked out a living 
selling short slories to magazines until he hit 
Martian pay dirt. 

His first novel, “The Martian Chronicles,” 


“Science and religion have to go hand in 
hand, because there's a point beyond which 
you say, "There are no answers.’ Why were 
the planets created? How come there's life on 
earth? We don't know. It just happened." 


“When I started writing seriously, I made 
the major discovery of my life: I am right and 
everybody else is wrong if they disagree with 
me. What a great thing lo learn: Don't listen 
to anyone else, go your own way.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO 


“There are two races of people—men and 
women—no matter what women's libbers 
would have you pretend. Men are born with 
no purpose in the universe except to procre- 
ate. There is lots of time to kill beyond that.” 


47 


PLAYBOY 


was published in 1950 (it has remained in 
print ever since) and was hailed—in an 
influential review by literary heavyweight 
Christopher Isherwood—for eliminating the 
traditional. technical. exposition. found. in 
most. science fiction and for invoking the 
power of metaphor. 

Despite Isherwood's praise, "The Martian 
Chronicles" pigeonholed Bradbury as a sci- 
ence fiction writer—but it also put him in the 
company of Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov 
and Arthur C. Clarke, first-rate talents try- 
ing to bring creativity and respectability to 
Ihe genre. 

With his next book, he established his 
reputation as a generally popular writerz 
1951’s "The Illustrated Man” is an eerie 
portrayal of а man literally turned inside 
out. In 1953 he published what many believe 
is his most compelling novel: “Fahrenheit 
451.” The title refers to the temperature at 
which books burst into flames, and the story 
is a neo-Orwellian tale of a totalitarian soci- 
ely in which books are forbidden. The book 
was a timely warning against the anti-Com- 
munist hysteria that had gripped the coun- 
try. (In the movie business the Hollywood 
Ten were sent to prison for refusing to testify 
before the House Un-American Activities 
Committee, and in the Screen Writers Guild 
Bradbury was one of the lonely voices oppos- 
ing the loyalty oath imposed on its members.) 

Bradbury endured "the worst six months 
of my life” after agreeing to write the screen- 
play of “Moby Dick" for Huston. He re- 
counts the ordeal in a memoir. entitled 
“Green Shadows, White Whale," released. 
in 1992. 

After Bradbury made a dismal attempt at 
adapting “Fahrenheit 451” into a stage play 
for Charles Laughton, Francois Truffaut 
turned it into a movie that proved to be 
an artless hodgepodge and box-office dud. 
Bradbury did, however, create an original 
screen treatment for what is considered one 
of the most influential science fiction movies 
ever made, "It Came From Outer Space." 
"The October Country" is a chilling collec- 
tion of short stories, while “Dandelion 
Wine" powerfully recalls Bradbury's boy- 
hood awakenings. 

With the science fiction boom in the after- 
math of Sputnik, Bradburys popularity 
soared; when NASA's Viking landed on 
Mars in 1976, he was hailed as a space-age 
prophet. These days he's busier than ever, 
with an output thal now includes 29 books, 
among them this year's “Quicker Than the 
Eye," a collection of 20 new short stories 
(another 500 await his fine-tuning for pub- 
lication), and two volumes of essays. In ad- 
dition, he writes most of the half-hour 
episodes for the weekly “Ray Bradbury The- 
ater” on the Science Fiction Channel. 

PLAYBOY sent writer Ken Kelley, who inter- 
viewed Arthur C. Clarke for this magazine, 
to talk with Bradbury at his Los Angeles res- 
idence. Kelley reports: 

“When I arrived at his modest home of 40 
years in an obscure Los Angeles neighbor- 
hood, Bradbury was standing on the front 


48 porch bellowing about one of his archneme- 


ses, the automobile—specifically, his wife's 
brand-new one, which had been stolen the 
might before, “right in front of my own 
house” Bradbury is one of the few Angelenos 
who has never driven a car. Maggie pointed 
out that they were insured, and when that 
failed to calm him she offered the first of 
many heaping bowls of popcorn. That did 
the trick, and he soon became the avuncular 
raconteur. 

“Our weeklong noon-to-dusk sessions 
were an emotional seesaw between laid-back 
reminiscences and sudden bursts of passion 
whenever we touched on any one of Brad- 
bury's pet peeves—Los Angeles, politics, cen- 
sorship, educators, bureaucrats, cars. He is 
always blunt and often politically incorrect 
and he rarely backs down, no matter how 
unpopular his views. When he raised the 
logical solutions he espouses in countless es- 
says and on the lecture circuit, I could tell 
why he's so popular: His enthusiasm is so 
spontaneous he reminds you of an insistent 
child —a big, overgrown kid not unlike the 
one who roller-skated up to Oliver Hardy 
and asked for his autograph. He beamed as 
he signed the dog-eared copy of ‘Dandelion 
Wine’ Гое kept since I was ten years old.” 


We are being 
flimflammed by Bill Gates 
and his partners. Look at 
Windows '95. That's a 


lot of flimflam, you know. 


PLAYBOY: Many people don't take science 
fiction seriously, and yet you maintain 
that it is the essential literature of our 
age. Why is it so important? 

BRADBURY: In science fiction, we dream. 
In order ro colonize in space, to rebuild 
our cities, which are so far out of whack, 
to tackle any number of problems, we 
must imagine the future, including the 
new technologies that are required. 
PLAYBOY: Yet most people don't consider 
science fiction to be part of mainstream 
literature. 

BRADBURY: It isn't part of the main- 
stream—science fiction is the main- 
stream. It has been since Sputnik. And it 
will be for the next 10,000 years. 
PLAYBOY: So how did Sputnik change 
things? 

BRADBURY: People, especially kids, went 
crazy over science fiction after Sputnik 
lit the sky. Overnight, instead of an apple 
on the teacher's desk, there was a book 
by Asimov. For the first time in history, 
education came from the bottom up as 
kids taught their teachers. 

PLAYBOY: Why do kids respond to science. 
fiction more than adults? 

BRADBURY: Obviously, children's imagina- 


tions are piqued by the implications of 
science fiction. Also, as a child, did you 
want to have someone tying your shoes? 
Like hell you did. You tied your own as 
soon as you could. Science fiction ac- 
knowledges that we don't want to be lec- 
tured at, just shown enough so we can 
look it up ourselves. 

The way to teach in this world is to 
pretend you're not teaching. Science 
fiction offers the chance to pretend to 
look the other way while teaching. Sci- 
ence fiction isalso a great way to pretend 
youare writing about the future when in 
reality you are attacking the recent past 
and the present. You can criticize com- 
munists, racists, fascists or any other 
clear and present danger, and they can't 
imagine you are writing about them. 
Unfortunately, so much old science fic- 
tion is too technical and dry. 

PLAYBOY: Beyond Kids, science fiction is 
the purview of men, for the most part. 
Why aren't women as interested? 
BRADBURY: There are two races of peo- 
ple—men and women—no matter what 
women's libbers would have you pre- 
tend. The male is motivated by toys and 
science because men are born with no 
purpose in the universe except to pro- 
create. There is lots of time to kill be- 
yond that. They've got to find work. 
Men have no inherent center to them- 
selves beyond procreating. Women, how- 
ever, are born with a center. They can 
create the universe, mother it, teach it, 
nurture it. Men read science fiction to 
build the future. Women don't need to 
read it. They are the future. 

PLAYBOY: Some women don't like it when. 
you makc those distinctions. In fact, in 
People, you said that CD-ROMs are more 
for men than for women—and you were 
denounced as sexist on the letters-to- 
the-editors page shortly thercafter. 
BRADBURY: Oh well. Unscrew them. 
PLAYBOY: What does “unscrew them” 
mean? 

BRADBURY: That they'll never get any sex 
again. [Laughs] Listen, men are nuts. 
Young men are crazy. We all love toys. 
I'm toy oriented. I write about toys. I've 
gota lot of toys. Hundreds of things. But 
computers are toys, and men like to mess 
around with smart dumb things. They 
feel creative. 

PLAYBOY: But computers aren't just toys. 
"They're tools for the future. 

BRADBURY: People are talking about the 
Internet as a creative tool for writers. I 
say, “B.S. Stay away from that. Stop talk- 
ing to people around the world and get 
your work done." We are being flim- 
flammed by Bill Gates and his partners. 
Look at Windows '95. That’s a lot of 
flimflam, you know. 

PLAYBOY: Why is it flimfiam? 

BRADBURY: Because it doesn't give most 
people anything more than what they 
already have. On top of that, when they 
buy it they have to buy other things 
to go with it. So you're talking about 


RE, POWERFUL, 
PERFECT. 


Tid 
ШШ 


i 
i 


fe 
[ 
i 


Legendary Zymól* premium handcrafted products have won Best Of Show 
at the world-renowned Concours d'Elegance events. Now Zymól^ introduces 
a superior family of products to make your car look its best. Zymöl® products 
1 are made with the highest-quality ingredients that are natural and derived from 

nature, Superbly effective—without harmful solvents or abrasives. Let your car 
show its best, with Zymöl? 


N 


zymöl. 


21996 Zymêl Enterprises Inc. 


PLAYBOY 


50 Space travel 


hundreds of dollars from people who 
can't afford it. The Windows thing 
isn't bought by women. I bet if you look 
at the sales figures, it's 80 percent men. 
Crazy young men or crazy older men 
who love toys. 

PLAYBOY: For a man who has built a ca- 
reer looking into the future, you seem 
skeptical of technology—CD-ROMs, the 
Internet, multimedia 
BRADBURY: It’s all meaningless unless you 
teach reading and writing. It's not going 
to do a bit of good if you don't know how 
to read and write. 

PLAYBOY: But reading is involved —on 
computers, people can interact with 
works of fiction, choosing to move the 
plot any way they want to. 

BRADBURY: Don't tell me how to write my 
novel. Dor't tell me you've got a better 
ending for it. I have no time for that. 
PLAYBOY: When you talk about the fu- 
ture, you tend to talk about space travel 
Do you really think it's in our future? 
BRADBURY: It must be. First of all, it's a re- 
ligious endeavor to be immortal. If the 
earth dies, we must be able to continue. 
Space travel will give us other planets to 
live on so we can continue to have chil- 
dren. It's that simple, that great and that 
exciting. 

PLAYBOY: Will we really be forced to es- 
cape earth? Will we be able to in time? 
BRADBURY: We are already on our way. 
We should be back on the moon right 
now. And we should be going off to Mars 
immediately. 

PLAYBOY: Yet there doesn't seem to be а 
rush into space anymore. NASA's budget 
is being whittled away as we speak. 
BRADBURY: How come we're looking at 
our shoes instead of at the great nebula 
in Orion? Where did we mislay the 
moon and back off from Mars? The 
problem is, of course, our politicians, 
men who have no romance in their 
hearts or dreams in their heads. JFK, for 
a brief moment in his last year, chal- 
lenged us to go to the moon. But even he 
wasn't motivated by astronomical love. 
He cried, “Watch my dust!” to the Rus- 
sians, and we were off. But once we 
reached the moon, the romance started 
to fade. Without that, dreams don't last. 
"That's no surprise—material rewards do 
last, so the history of exploration on 
earth is about harvesting rich lodes. If 
NASA's budgeters could be convinced 
that there are riches on Mars, we would 
explode overnight to stand on the rim of 
the Martian abyss. We need space for 
reasons we have not as yet discovered, 
and I don't mean Tupperware. 

PLAYBOY: Tupperware? 

BRADBURY: NASA feels it has to justify 
everything it does in practical terms. 
And Tupperware was one of the many 
practical products that came out of space 
travel. NASA feels it has got to flimflam 
you to get you to spend the money on 
space. That's b.s. We don't need that 
ife-enhancing, and any- 


thing that's life-enhancing is worth do- 
ing. It makes you want to live forever. 
PLAYBOY: How much is NASA to blame 
for the apathy about the space program? 
BRADBURY: The NASA bigwigs have been 
their own worst enemy. Гуе pleaded 
with them for 20 years to let me do a film. 
for them. Most of the early films NASA 
made about the Mercury and Apollo 
projects were inept. I want to fuse poet- 
ry and fact in a way that, as my various 
presentations at world fairs did, leaves 
the audience in tears. But NASA nev- 
er does transcendent, poetic or explosive 
things to sell itselfnobody cares about 
NASA in Congress except, notably 
enough, Bob Packwood. 

PLAYBOY: Do you still see Packwood as a 
visionary even though he was forced to 
resign in disgrace? 

BRADBURY: He's still a visionary. I wish he 
were still in Congress. I sent him a 
telegram a year ago and told him to 
stand firm because those women are 
jerks. They wait 20 years. They are of- 
fended 20 years later. Don't hand me 
that. There are very few other senators 
like him, and it's a shame he's gone. 
PLAYBOY: What's the biggest mistake 
NASA has made? 

BRADBURY: It should have done the space 
shuttle before the Apollo missions. 'The 
shuttle is a big mailbox, an expensive 
experimental lab. It's not nearly as excit- 
ing as it should bc. It should have been 
launched first to cirde the earth, which 
is all it's doing. After that, it should have 
been sent to the moon, and the program 
could have ended there. Then we could. 
have built a colony on the moon and 
moved on to Mars. We nced sometl 
larger than ourselves—that's a real reli. 
gious activity. That's what space trav- 
€l can be—relating ourselves to the 
universe. 

PLAYBOY: When ıhe space program start- 
ed, did you expect all that to occur? 
BRADBURY: Yes. But it didn't. NASA is to 
blame—the entire government is to 
blame—and the end of the Cold War re- 
ally pulled the plug, draining any pas- 
sion that remained. ТҺе odd thing to me 
is the extraordinary number of young 
people the world over who care about 
these things, who go to see science 
fiction films—2001, Close Encounters and 
Star Wars—who spend billions of dollars 
to watch the most popular films ever 
made. Yet the government pays ab- 
solutely no attention to this phenome- 
non. It's always the last to know. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think we will at least re- 
turn to the moon? 

BRADBURY: I hope we do it while I’m still 
alive, which means within the next ten to 
15 years. But I think it is a forlorn hope. 
I hope we'll have a manned expedition 
to Mars, though the politicians put it way 
down on their list. But it would be so up- 
lifting for the human spirit. It's hard to 
get the government to act the way it 
should. 


PLAYBOY: How did you feel when Viking 
landed on Mars? 
BRADEURY: There was this festive feeling, 
like a surprise party, at the Caltech Plan- 
etarium the night the Viking ship land- 
ed. Carl Sagan and I and a lot of others 
stayed up all night. Suddenly, the first 
photographs of Mars started coming 
back on the giant screen. We were 
all exhilarated—dancing, laughing and 
singing. Around nine in the morning, 
Roy Neal from NBC News came by and 
held this microphone in front of my face. 
He said, "Mr. Bradbury, you've been 
writing about Mars and its civilizations 
and cities for all these years. Now that 
we're there and we see that there's no 
life, how does it feel?" I took a deep 
breath—I'm so proud I said this out 
loud to him—and replied: “You idiot! 
You fool! There is life on Mars—look at 
us! Look at us! We are the Martians 
PLAYBOY: You must have felt much the 
same way when Galileo reached Jupiter 
last year. 
BRADBURY: These scientists are incredi- 
ble. Every time I go to a place like the Jet 
Propulsion Lab and someone shows me 
a telescope, he says, "Isn't it wonderful?” 
I say, "No, it's not." He says, "What do 
you mean?" I say, “You are wonderful. 
You invented this. You are the genius.” 
PLAYBOY: What is your motivation for 
writing? 
BRADBURY: I had decided to be a magi- 
cian well before I decided to be a writer. 
I was the little boy who would get up on- 
stage and do magic wearing a fake mus- 
tache, which would fall off during the 
performance. I'm still trying to perform 
those tri Now I do it with writing. Al- 
so, writers write because of a need to be 
loved. I suppose that's greedy, isn't it? 
Writing has helped me in other ways. 
When I started writing seriously, І made 
the major discovery of my life—that I am 
right and everybody clse is wrong if they 
disagree with me. What a great thing to 
learn: Don't listen to anyone else, and al- 
ways go your own way. 
PLAYBOY: Do you admit that that's an un- 
repentant, egotistical view? 
BRADBURY: Unfortunately, I don’t think I 
keep my ego in check very well. I try to 
remember that my voice is loud, which is 
an ego problem. But at least I don't suf- 
fer from a self-deluding identity prob- 
lem like, say, Carl Sagan does. 
PLAYBOY: What is the problem with 
Sagan? 
BRADBURY: With each passing year he 
grows stiffer because he goes around 
thinking he’s Carl Sagan. Just as Nor- 
man Mailer thinks he’s Norman Mailer 
and Gore Vidal thinks he's Gore Vidal. I 
don't think I'm Ray Bradbury. That's a 
big distinction. It doesn't matter who 
you are. You mustn't go around saying 
who you are, or else you get captured by 
the mask of false identity. It's the work 
that identifies you. 
PLAYBOY: Some critics say that you rely 


Ever Wonder How It Feels To Get Slapped 
With A $975 Speeding Ticket? 


Did you know a single ticket could raise your insurance premiums every year it's on your record Are you at risk 


for a ticket? 

Most drivers never intend 
to speed, but it can happen 
to you. Limits can change 
many times on a single road 


totaling hundreds, or thousands of dollars? Which can hurt especially if you didn't even realize 


you were speeding. Таг why it makes so much sense to drive with Escort” radar/laser 


protection. Escort offers you ultra long-range detection of all radar and laser bands. Combined or highwa 
"transition 

with the industry's most sophisticated anti-falsing technology, you're assured of an accurate patrols often watch for 
drivers who may have 

reminder when it's time to slow down. In fact, with just one warning it could easily pay for itself. missed a reduced speed sign. 
In many situations, а 

So order yours today. And let Escort help keep your feet on solid financial ground. highly effective radarflaser 


detector can be your best 
lert to an upcoming risk 


Features indude: Longrange detection of all radar/laser bands = Patented ОРЕ” antHalsing circuitry =. Which is why so 
for fewer false alarms в VG2 SmartShield” = Patented Easy Mount system = SafetyPilot" road hazard alert | many drivers choose Escort. 


= And more Because Escort helps you 
drive smarter. 


Model Solo 5 Model 4600 мом 5007 
Solo" Cordless Passport” Passport" Total Picture” 

The worlds first cordless radar/laser detector Our most popular detector Тһе worlds first LCD radar/laser detector 
$199.95 5179.95 5149.95 


Proudly made in the USA. | Олут direct online Shipping and handling is extra. Ohio res add 6% sales cai 


cat койо. 
chen en Call tll free 24 hours a day, seven days a week. E S C О РТ ® 
манета 1.800.433.3487 


Escort * 5200 Fields Ertel Road © Cincin = 45249 © Deportmeat 500756 6178 04 


51 


PLAYBOY 


too much on fantasy and not enough on 
science to be a respected science fiction 
writer. 

BRADBURY: I don't care what the science 
fiction trade technicians say, either. They 
arc furious that I get away with murder. 
I use a scientific idea as a platform to 
leap into the air and never come back. 
This keeps them angry at me. They sull 
begrudge my putting an atmosphere оп 
Mars in The Martian Chronicles more than 
40 years ago. 

PLAYBOY: A review by Christopher Isher- 
wood launched The Martian Chronicles. 
Did you know him? 

BRADBURY: The entire scenario set in mo- 
tion was a fluke. Summertime, 1950, I 
recognized Isherwood browsing in a 
Santa Monica bookstore. My book had 
just come out, so I grabbed a copy off the 
shelf, signed it and gave it to him. His 
face fell and my heart sank, but two days 
later he called and said, "Do you know 
what you've done?" [ asked, "What?" 
And he simply told me to read his review 
in the Times. His rave turned my life 
around; the book immediately made the 
best-seller lists and has been in print 
ever since. 

He was very kind in introducing me 
to various people he thought I should 
know, like Aldous Huxley, who had been 
my literary hero since Brave New World 
came out. 

PLAYBOY: What was Huxley like? 


BRADBURY: He was very polite. Most Eng- 
lishmen, most intellectual Englishmen, 
are very polite, and they treat you as if 
you're the genius, which is a sweet thing 
to do. Years after we met, I was a panelist 
along with Huxley discussing the future 
of American literature. However, I was 
disappointed when he refused to admit 
that science fiction is the only way for 
fiction to go. 

PLAYBOY: He was already extolling the 
virtues of psychedelics by then. We pre- 
sume he offered you some. 

BRADBURY: I gave him the right answer: 
No, thanks. I don't want anyone lifting 
the trapdoor on my head—it may not go 
down again. 

PLAYBOY: Who are the best new science 
fiction writers? 

BRADBURY: I'm so busy with a full agenda, 
І just don't have the time to hunt around 
for any. Do you realize that hundreds of 
novels come out every year now? 
PLAYBOY: Are you ducking the question? 
BRADBURY: ОК—1 admit I don't want to 
read in my own field. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

BRADBURY: Because it's incestuous, and 
you can't do that. You should read in 
your own field only when you're young. 
When I was 8, 10, 12, 16, 25, I read sci- 
ence fiction. But then I went on to Al- 
exander Pope and John Donne and Mo- 
liére to mix it up. 

PLAYBOY: What about some of the more 


famous science fiction names, such as 
Kurt Vonnegut? 

BRADBURY: І know him and we get on 
fine. We had a wonderful day together in 
New York a few years ago, and he had а 
nice sense of humor. But I haven't read 
anything since Player Piano, and that was 
40 ycars ago. So I can't give you any 
comment. 

PLAYBOY: How about Robert Heinlein? 
BRADBURY: I met him at Clifton's cafeteria 
in downtown Los Angeles. [ had just 
graduated from high school, and Hein- 
lein was 31 years old. He was well 
known, and he wrote humanistic science 
fiction, which influenced me to dare to 
be human instead of mechanical 
PLAYBOY: What about those writers who 
popularize science in nonfiction books, 
such as Stephen Hawkings and his Brief 
History of Time? 

BRADBURY: We have his book, but I'm not 
going to kid you and say I read it. My 
wife claims she has, but I don't believe 
her. I don't believe anyone has read it. 
I'm positive the guy is a genius and it's 
wonderful he has done what he's done. 
PLAYBOY: You have also written nonfic- 
tion, such as Green Shadows, White Whale, 
about your attempt to adapt Moby Dick 
with director John Huston. Were you at- 
tempting to get even for a disastrous 
experience? 

BRADBURY: Writing that book was glori- 
ously cathartic. What got me started was 


se 


Our Y Bikes 
inspire the same response 


по matter HOW you ride them, 
Call for a free catalog. 


1.800.369.8735 ТРЕКА 


that Katharine Hepburn's bad book 
about the making of The African Queen 
excluded so much and was quite scant 
about Huston's character. Her skimpy 
failure made me furious and propelled 
me to begin my own book. 

PLAYBOY: Was it that she was too easy on 
Huston? 

BRADBURY: Yes, and that upset me. 
PLAYBOY: How did you get the job to 
adapt Moby Dick in the first place? 
BRADBURY: Huston invited me to his Bev- 
erly Hills Hotel suite, put a drink in my 
hand and flattered me with enough Irish 
charm that, before I knew it, I'd agreed 
to spend six months in Ireland writing 
the script. Acting ability runs in Huston's 
bloodline. 

PLAYBOY: So he was on good behavior. 
BRADBURY: And I was fooled. I should 
have just admitted that he embodied the 
monster I realized he was and then quit. 
What kept me going despite the merci- 
less cruelty he showed toward me and 
everyone else near him were three 
things: the love I felt for Herman 
Melville and his whale; my awe of John 
Huston's genius, as proved in The Maltese 
Falcon—he had directed the perfect 
movie; and my deep appreciation of how 
very few people in the world are lucky 
enough to get that kind of opportunity. 
Now I'm left with the bittersweet knowl- 
edge that, thanks to him, I learned so 
much that I otherwise wouldn't know. 
Nobody else in Hollywood would have 
given an unproven newcomer the 
chance to write a major script. 

PLAYBOY: Did that experience influence 
your decision not to write the screenplay 
for the movie adaptation of your next hit 
novel, Fahrenheit 451? 

BRADBURY: No. In 1955, Charles Laugh- 
ton got me thoroughly drunk before he 
told me how bad the stage play Га 
adapted for him was and convinced me I 
should give it up. So years later I told 
Francois Truffaut, "You do it.” I'd had it. 
PLAYBOY: Were you happy with Truffaut's 
effort? 

BRADBURY: It was very good, but he was a 
coward about doing certain things. He 
didn't put in the Mechanical Hound, 
which should be included, because it's a 
metaphoric adventure thing. The tacti- 
cal stuff is really miserable. The flying 
men should be cut out. They're not 
flying anywhere except down. And the 
casting was a mistake. Not all of it. Oskar 
Werner I like very much. 

PLAYBOY: Who didn't you like? 

BRADBURY: Julie Christie playing the girl 
next door. She couldn't play it. She was 
supposed to be 16. So Truffaut did the 
trick. He had Julie Christie play the wife 
and the girl next door, which was con- 
fusing. Sometimes you weren't quite 
sure who was talking. 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about having 
a second opportunity to turn the novel 
into a movie now that Mel Gibson is 
interested? 


Dedicated to ensuring the future 

of all of Alaska’s wildlife, The Alaska 
Wildlife Conservation Trust proudly _ 
presents a world-premiere sculp 

in hand-painted porcelain and crystal. 


Alaska. Home to the most 

majestic wildlife on earth. 

Among those magnificent, 

creatures, the American Bald 

Eagle. Living embodiment of nature's 


e Tesori” porcelain, a specially 
prepared sculptor’s blend of powdered 
orcelain and resins. The sculpture 

to life on its own di 


If you wis м The bald eagle is 


Franklin Mint purchase, captured in al its 
wild beauty in 


ү: ithin 30 5 ESTEE 
у y ( | ortrait of 
that purchase for 1 I 
placement, credit Жж. realism. 
or refund. 


American Bald Eagle sculpture shown actual size 


The Franklin Mint Please mail by May 31, 1996. 
Franklin Center, PA 19091-0001 

Please enter my order for The American Bald Eagle. 

Т need SEND NO MONEY NOW. I will be billed $37.50 for my sculpture when it is ready to be 


sent. тиз my state sales tat and 51.95 for shipping ana handling 
SIGNATURE = - 
ALL ORES AAE SUJET TO ACCEPTANCE 
MRMRS/MISS _ ana э шш шош ыы. 
PLEASE PNT AAN 

TES — ——— 80 
E mm 
TELEPHONE # › те ا‎ 2 

16883-20-001 


OFFICIALLY AUTHORIZED BY THE ALASKA WILDLIFE CONSERVATION TRUST. 


PLAYBOY 


BRADBURY: I've wanted to redo Fahrenheit 
451 ever since it came out in 1966, be- 
cause Truffaut left out so much from the 
novel. I sat bolt upright when I was told 
that Warner Bros. wanted to make the 
new version with Mel Gibson. 

PLAYBOY: Along with Orwell's 1984 and 
Huxley's Brave New World, your book 
presents a bleak view of the future. Were 
you trying to write a cautionary story? 
BRADBURY: That's fatal. You must never 
do that. A lot of lousy novels come from 
people who want to do good. The do- 
gooder novel. The ecological novel. And 
if you tell me you're doing a novel or 
a film about how a woodsman spares a 
tree, I'm not going to go see it for a 
minute. 

PLAYBOY: It's hard to imagine that the 
man who wrote Fahrenheit 451 was not 
trying to predict the future. 

BRADBURY: It's "prevent the future,” 
that's the way I put it. Not predict it, pre- 
vent it. And with anger and attacking, 
yes. You have the fun of attacking the 
thing you think is stupid. But your mo- 
tives are hidden from you at the time. 
It's like, "I'll be damned. I didn't know I 
was doing that." 

For instance, when a bright Sony in- 
ventor read about my seashell radios in 
that novel, he invented the Walkman. 
That was one good thing to emerge from 
that book—the banishment of most pic- 
nic-ruining ghetto blasters. But I had no 
idea I was doing it. 

PLAYBOY: Fahrenheit 451 seems to have 
predicted the unpredictable for years. 
BRADBURY: Yes. When O.J. Simpson 
prowled the freeway pursued by cop 
cars and helicopters, Russell Baker wrote 
in his New York Times column words to 
the effect: This is the last act of Fahrenheit 
4511 I watched the reruns and thought, 
My God, he's right. In the final pages of 
my novel, Montag is running ahead of 
the book burners and sees himself on 
TV screens in every home, through each 
window, as he flees. When he eludes the 
Mechanical Hound, the society he left 
behind gets frustrated and kills a proxy 
Montag on television to satisfy the 
panicked need. 

Even more depressing is that I fore- 
saw political correctness 43 years ago. 

n Fahrenheit 451, too? 

к Yes. [At one point, another 
character,] the fire chief, describes how 
the minorities, one by one, shut the 
mouths and minds of the public, sug- 
gesting a precedent: The Jews hated Fa- 
gin and Shylock—burn them both, or at 
least never mention them. The blacks 
didn't like Nigger Jim floating on Huck's 
raft with him—burn, or at least hide, 
him. Women's libbers hated Jane Austen 
as an awfully inconvenient woman in a 
dreadfully old-fashioned time—off with 
her head! Family-values groups detested 
Oscar Wilde—back in the closet, Oscar! 
Communists hated the bourgeoisie— 


54 shoot them! And on and on it goes. So 


whereas back then I wrote about the 
tyranny of the majority, today I'd com- 
bine that with the tyranny of the minori- 
ties. These days, you have to be careful 
of both. They both want to control you. 
The first group, by making you do the 
same thing over and over again. The sec- 
ond group is indicated by the letters I 
get from the Vassar girls who want me to 
put more women's lib in The Martian 
Chronicles, or from blacks who want more 
black people in Dandelion Wine. 

PLAYBOY: Do you respond to them? 
BRADBURY: I say to both bunches, 
Whether you're majority or minority, 
bug off! To hell with anybody who wants 
to tell me what to write, Their society 
breaks down into subsections of minori- 
ties who then, in effect, burn books by 
banning them. All this political correct- 
ness that's rampant on campuses is b.s. 
You can't fool around with the danger- 
ous notion of telling a university what to 
teach and what not to. If you don't like 
the curriculum, go to another school. 
Faculty members who toe the same line 
are sanctimonious nincompoops! It's 
time to stop the trend. Whenever it ap- 
pears, you should yell, “Idiot!” and back 
them down. In the same vein, we should 
immediately bar all quotas, which politi- 
cize the process through lowered admis- 
sion standards that accept less-qualified 
students. The terrible result is the price- 
less chance lost by all. 

PLAYBOY: So you disapprove of affirma- 
tive action? 

BRADBURY: The whole concept of higher 
education is negated unless the sole cri- 
terion used to determine if students 
qualify is the grades they score on stan- 
dardized tests. Education is purely an is- 
sue of learning—we can no longer afford 
to have it polluted by damn politics. 
Leave pollution up to the politicians 
[laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: How did you feel being so 
prescient? 

BRADBURY: Thoroughly disgruntled. 
PLAYBOY: Is the public well informed 
about these issues? 

BRADBURY: The news is all rapes and 
murders we didn't commit, funerals we 
don't attend, AIDS we don't want to 
catch. All crammed into а quarter of а 
minute! But at least we still have a hand 
with which to switch channels or turn off 
altogether. I tell my lecture audiences to 
never, ever watch local TV news. 
PLAYBOY: What about magazines? You 
have been an avid magazine reader since 
you were a kid. How would you rate the 
current crop? 

BRADBURY: Magazines today are almost 
all stupid and moronic to start vith. And 
it makes me furious that I can't find any 
articles to read anymore. I used to enjoy 
Forbes and Fortune, but now the pages are 
completely cluttered by ads. That's what 
caused me to explode three years ago 
when I spoke to a gathering of the coun- 
туз leading editors and publishers. 


PLAYBOY: Why did you explode? 
BRADBURY: Let's say the slow burn grew 
hotter the more I thought about what 
a chance I had. So I took along my 
props—copies of Forbes, Fortune, Good 
Housekeeping, McCall's, Vogue and People. 
I went up onstage and said, "Let's talk 
about the real problems with your maga- 
zines.” I held up Good Housekeeping, 
flipped through the pages and said, 
“Find the articles—you can't." I held up 
McCall’s and Vogue and said, "Look, the 
same thing." I held up Forbes and Ют- 
tune— Look at this,” I said. “You've got a 
half-page article here, you've got the 
start of an article on the left, then you 
look to the right and it’s a full-page ad." 
I threw them off the podium. Then I 
held up an issue of People and said, “Do 
you really want to read a magazine like 
this? To hell with Time Inc.!” and threw 
it down. I paused and lowered the 
boom, saying, “The magazines of this 
country have to take over education— 
even more than the corporations—be- 
cause you want readers in the future, 
don't you? Can you keep downgrading 
people’s intelligence and insult them 
with the shit you're publishing? You 
should make sure the schools teach read- 
ing, or you're outon your ass ina couple 
of years. You won't have any readers— 
doesn't that scare you? It scares me. 
Change your product and invite me 
back to talk to you again." I stopped and 
waited, figuring that maybe they would 
do something if I managed to scare 
them enough. 

PLAYBOY: Did they? 

BRADBURY: I got a standing ovation. Af- 
terward, Christie Hefner came over and 
congratulated me—I didn't even know 
PLAYBOY would be there. PLAYBOY is in 
fact one of the best magazines in history, 
simply because it has done more than 
any other magazine. It has published the 
works of most of the important short sto- 
Ty writers ofour time, as well as some of 
the most important novelists and essay- 
ists—and just about every important 
American artist. The interviews have in- 
cluded just about everyone in the world 
with something important to say. No- 
where else can you find such a complete 
spectrum, from the semivulgar to the. 
highfalutin [laughs]. I have defended 
PLAYBOY since the beginning. Its editors 
were brave enough to say, "The hell with 
what McCarthy thinks" when they ran 
excerpts from Fahrenheit 451. 1 couldn't 
sell that to any other magazine because 
they were all running scared. And I must. 
add another important point—one I’m 
sure that many other guys growing up in 
the sorry years before PLAYBOY existed 
will agree with—which is that there 
would have been a lot fewer problems if 
PLAYBOY had been around back then. I 
wish I'd had pıaysoy when I was 14. 
PLAYBOY: To sharpen your writing skills? 
BRADBURY: Come on! Those pictures are 
great. There was nothing when my 


YOUR BASIC’ BOX SEATS 


It Tastes Good. 
It Costs Less. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal © Philp Morris Inc. 1996 


Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. Lights: 11 mg "tar" 0.8 mg nicotine- Full Flavor: 16 mg 
"tar; 1.0 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


PLAYBOY 


generation was growing up. Like it or 
not, I rest my case, except to add that 
Hugh Hefner is one of the great sexual 
revolutionaries. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you shy away from 
eroticism in your own writing? 
BRADBURY: There is no reason to write 
pornography when your own sex life is 
good. Why waste time writing about it? 
PLAYBOY: It has always struck us as 
strange that most science fiction is rela- 
tively sexless. 

BRADBURY: There are certain kinds of 
people who write science fiction. I think 
a lot of us married late. A lot of us are 
mama's boys. I lived at home until I was 
27. But most of the writers I know in al- 
most any field, especially science fiction, 
grew up late. They’re so interested in 
doing what they do and in their science, 
they don't think about other things. 
PLAYBOY: What is the most challenging 
literary form you have worked in? 
BRADBURY: I'm trying to write operas. I’m 
still learning. l'm writing à musical 
based on Dandelion Wine, which Гуе 
been working on for 30 ycars with vari- 
ous composers. I'm doing a new thing 
now with Jimmy Webb. We've been 
messing around with these things for 
eight years. Juggling the pieces, trying to 
figure out where you shut your mouth 
and let the song take over. 

PLAYBOY: What brought you to Holly- 
wood in the first place? 

BRADBURY: The Depression brought me 
here from Waukegan, Illinois. The ma- 
jority of people in the country were un- 
employed. My dad had been jobless in 
Waukegan for at least two years when in 
1934 he announced to my mom, my 
brother and me that it was time to head 
West. I had just turned 14 when we got 
to California with only 40 dollars, which 
paid for our rent and bought our food 
until he finally found a job making wire 
ata cable company for $14 a week. That 
meant 1 could stay in Los Angeles, which 
was great. I was thrilled. 

PLAYBOY: With what aspect of it? 
BRADBURY: I was madly in love with Hol- 
lywood. We lived about four blocks from 
the Uptown Theater, which was the flag- 
ship theater for MGM and Fox. I 
learned how to sneak in. There were 
previews almost every week. I'd roller- 
skate over there—I skated all over town, 
hell-bent on getting autographs from 
glamorous stars. It was glorious. I saw 
big MGM stars such as Norma Shearer, 
Laurel and Hardy, Ronald Coleman. Or 
Га spend all day in front of Paramount 
or Columbia, then zoom over to the 
Brown Derby to watch the stars coming 
or going. I'd see Cary Grant, Marlene 
Dietrich, Fred Allen, Burns and Allen— 
whoever was on the Coast. Mae West 
made her appearance—bodyguard in 
tow—every Friday night. 

PLAYBOY: The story is that you pestered 


56 George Burns to give you your first 


show-business job. Is that true? 
BRADBURY: Yes. George was kind. He 
would read the scripts I'd write every 
week. They were dreadful, and I was so 
blindly and madly in love with the film 
and radio business in Hollywood that I 
didn't realize what a pest I was. George 
no doubt thought he could get me off his 
back by using my words for one of the 
cight-linc vignettes he had Gracic close 
their broadcasts with. I wanted to live 
that special life forever. When that sum- 
mer was over, I stopped my inner time 
clock at the age of 14. Another reason I 
became a writer was to escape the hope- 
lessness and despair of the real world 
and enter the world of hope I could cre- 
ate with my imagination. 

PLAYBOY: Did your parents approve? 
BRADBURY: They were very permissive, 
thank God. And strangely enough, my 
parents never protested. They just fig- 
ured I was crazy and that God would 
protect me. Of course back then you 
could go around town at night and nev- 
er risk getting mugged or beaten up. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of modern 
Los Angeles—earthquakes, riots, O.J., 
fircs and all? 

BRADBURY: The big earthquake actually 
renewed optimism throughout L.A.—it 
fused us, just as all the other calamities 
did. You pick up the first brick, then the 
second and so on. I've never seen so 
many people helping so many other 
people. A small boy came to my door to 
tell me my chimney was about to col- 
lapse—I didn't know. The next day a 
stranger from up the street dropped in 
to give us the names of some really good 
builders and repairmen. They turned 
out to be superb—jolly, bright and in- 
ventive library people, readers! They 
lived with us for more than a month. 
They became family—we missed them 
when they left. I've heard similar things 
from everyone around us and in the San 
Fernando Valley, where things were 20 
times worse. 

PLAYBOY: Were you surprised when, after 
the earthquake, the freeways were re- 
built within a few months? 

BRADBURY: And almost before anything 
else? No. Here a human without a car is 
a samurai without his sword. I would ге- 
place cars wherever possible with buses, 
monorails, rapid trains—whatever it 
takes to make pedestrians the center of 
our society again, and cities worthwhile 
enough for pedestrians to live in. I don't 
care what people do with their cars, as 
long as they give them up three quarters 
of the time—roughly the amount of time 
people spend every week superfluously 
driving places they don't want to go to 
visit people who don't want to see them. 
PLAYBOY: "That's easy for you to say; you 
have never driven a car. 

BRADBURY: Not a day in my life. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

BRADBURY: When I was 16, 1 saw six рео- 


ple die horribly in an accident. I walked 
home holding on to valls and trees. It 
took me months to begin to function 
again. So I don't drive. But whether I 
drive or not is irrelevant. The automo- 
"bile is the most dangerous weapon in 
our society—cars kill more than wars do. 
More than 50,000 people will die this 
year because of them and nobody seems 
to notice. 
PLAYBOY: Until recently, you were the fu- 
turist afraid to бу in airplanes, never 
mind spaceships. What was it that cured 
your phobia? 
BRADBURY: A car breaking down in so 
many small Southern towns and the 
chauffeur taking three miserable days 
just to get through Florida. After the sec- 
‘ond tire blew, I got the word. In a loud 
and clear voice from the heavens above 
I heard the message: Fly, dummy, fly! 
[Laughs] I was afraid for 40 years that I'd 
run around the plane yelling, "Stop! Let 
me off!” But I fly all the time now. I just 
sit back relaxed, occasionally peep out 
the window and peruse the magazines. 
PLAYBOY: Was your faith in law enforce- 
ment shaken because of Stacey Koon 
and Mark Fuhrman? 
BRADBURY: We've become what I call а 
Kleenex society—I saw the public's reac- 
tion as the symbolic chance to blow its 
collective nose on the whole police force 
of the United States, holding all cops re- 
sponsible for incidents in Los Angeles. 
Of course I knew there was a problem in 
the LAPD. On the other hand, three of 
my daughters have been raped and 
robbed by black men, so I have a preju- 
dice, too, don't I? And if I ever were to 
find the bastards, I'd kill them. I've seen 
violence used by police, and I've seen it 
used against white people, too. 
PLAYBOY Did the Rodney King riots 
shock you? 
BRADBURY: I was more than shocked —I 
was terribly upset, and terribly angry at 
Mayor Bradley. The friend I've known 
for ten years was the man who went on 
television half an hour after the trial was 
over and used terrible language to say 
he was outraged. Boom!—next thing 
you know, the mobs burned the streets. 
Thus far I haven't had the guts to tell 
‘Tom Bradley, face-to-face, “You did it!” 
PLAYBOY: Did you have any idea there 
was so much rage in Los Angeles' black 
community? 
BRADBURY: I don't think anybody knew. 
PLAYBOY: Did you feel any empathy for 
the rioters? 
BRADBURY: None. Why should I? I don't. 
approve of any mob anywhere at any 
time. Had we not controlled it in L.A., all 
the big cities in this country would have 
gone up in flames. 
PLAYBOY: If Los Angeles is an indicator 
for the nation, what is the future of oth- 
er big cities? 
BRADBURY: Along with man's return to 
(continued on page 149) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He spotted her across the gym and asked her to spot for him at closer range. He knows his way 
around the weight machine as well as he knows the etiquette of the health club. Working out 
makes him feel good—in body and in spirit. And PLAYBOY plays to his strengths. For him, it's not 
a fitness craze—it's the PLAYBOY lifestyle. Nearly 4 million PLAYBOY readers own strength- 
training equipment. PLAYBOY makes all that weight worthwhile. (Source: 1995 Fall MRI.) 


57 


58 


AN 
¿NDS 


277% 


sari locker, 


sex educator to 


the skateboard set, 


addresses today's, 


like, monster 


issues 


ARI LOCKER is an expert on 

sex—or as expert as one 

can be at the age of 25. Re- 

views of her recent book, 

Mindblowing Sex in the Real 
World, hailed her, inevitably, as the Dr. 
Ruth of Generation X. With a master's 
in human sexuality education from 
Penn, she also landed her own TV 
show (Late Date With Sari now airs 
nightly on Lifetime). In person, this at- 
tractive single woman is brash about 
her early achievements. "My youth 
makes me more appealing,” she says. 
"What other 25-year-old knows this 
much about sex and has the credentials 
to prove it? Some people who write 
about sex even try to lie about their age 
to sound younger.” But Locker can al- 
so be self-effacing. "What I regret 
about my book was that I used the old 
"It's not the size of the ship' cliché," she 
says. "Penis size does matter. 1 should 
have talked about how to deal with it." 
Most important, she has lectured to, 
and spoken with, thousands of college 
students in the line of duty. She has 
plenty of anecdotal information about 
what gives her generation its libidinal 
twitch. Associate Editor Christopher 
Napolitano met Locker in New York 
City for a spirited conversation. 


When you're in your 205, you have been. 
exposed through sitcoms to every possible sex- 
ual dilemma. You act as if you don't need to 
be taught anything. So what is it that people 
don't know? 

People my age grew up with the flick 
of remote control, listening to an an- 
chorman say AIDS could end us all 
while hearing on the next channel 
Madonna sing, "You've got the moves, 
baby, you've got the motion, let's get to- 
gether and we'll be causing a commo- 
поп.” Mixed messages led us to fear 
disease and, somewhat, sex. But they 
also gave us an anticipation of the ex- 
citement that eroticism can bring to us. 
Now, coming into our mid-20s, we 
have a good sense of how to have safe 
sex and still have a wild, exciting time. 
The bigger issues are who to have sex 
with, and whether to have sex with or 
without a commitment. Sex and rela- 
tionships have segmented. 

Is that because sex is always there? 

It goes back to the myth of the third 
date: If you don't have sex by the third 
date you're not going to have sex—ei- 
ther you're just friends or you stop see- 
ing each other. Two people can get 
along great, but for some reason if 
one rejects sex by the third date, then 
they аге totally confused about what to 


ILLUSTRATION EY KENNY SCHARF 


PLAYBOY 


do. But if a woman and a man have a 
one-night stand, the groundwork is 
set: It’s just casual sex. They can decide 
whether or not to see each other. It's 
integrating sex into relationships that 
gives them problems. 

15 that a major issue? 

It's huge among 20-somethings. We 
see this with Ross and Rachel on 
Friends: They don't know whether they 
should be friends or lovers. This is a 
tremendous problem. There's an enor- 
mous number of us with opposite-gen- 
der friends. That's why we latch on to 
Ross and Rachel. We wonder what we 
should do in our own relationships and 
we look to Friends as our informal sex 
educators. As single women our moth- 
ers looked to Mary Tyler Moore as a 
role model on dating. Now, we look at 
Ross and Rachel as role models for 
whether we should have sex with our 
friends. 

What about the sex itself? Where do they 
turn for inspiration? 

I was recently listening to Nine Inch 
Nails’ Closer. Every time I go out to 
clubs I hear all my friends singing “1 
want to fuck you like an animal.” A 
couple of generations ago, it was the 
Beatles singing / Want to Hold Your 
Hand. I thought, What makes some- 
body compose a song like this, and 
what makes 20-somethings sing along 
to it? That's when 1 realized how much 
we want to take command of our sexu- 
ality. The notion of the lyrics is really, “I 
want to grab you and have sex with 
you." It's also a long way since George 
Michael sang / Want Your Sex, which was 
about committed monogamy. And in- 
stead of having fantasies that arc sim- 
ply romantic, many more women now 
have this notion of just having sex. 

Do they really like that or are they project- 
ing an image? 

They wouldn't do it if they didn't like 
it. I think more than ever women are 
more assertive and sexually aggressive. 
Many women are comfortable picking 
up men—and women. But again, I also 
hear so much naivete from women and 
men when I lecture at universities. A 
guy once came up to me and said, 
"Condoms always break with me. Do I 
have a sharp penis?" I thought, How 
can a man be so naive that he thinks his 
penis can be sharp enough to break a 
condom? And how can he be so unedu- 
cated about condoms? So that's the ba- 
sis of the confusion that swirls around 
our sexuality. Here we are as a genera- 
tion saying, "Let's have mind-blowing, 
wild, erotic, sometimes kinky, dirty 
sex." But then we say, "Uh-oh, we have 
to worry about AIDS. We feel insecure 
about our bodies. We don't know how 
to be in relationships or get out of. 
them. What do we do now?" That's 
where I come in as a sex educator. 


What do you mean by "picking up" от 
"asking out"? 

We have all these loose terms. Asking 
out, going out, hooking up, fooling 
around. If you arrange to meeta guy at 
a bar, you are just hanging out—you're 
not on a date. Some pcople say, ^I have 
never been on a date." They have had 
full-blown relationships but no official 
dates. They just hang out. Hooking 
up means everything but intercourse, 
sometimes not even oral sex, and 
spending the night. 

Hooking up, as in "Come over and we'll 
just go to sleep"? 

It never comes up that way. It usual- 
ly happens at a party. You meet some- 
one and spend the night—“Last night I 
hooked up with so-and-so.” 

Is the number of guys your average 
woman sleeps with nowadays an issue? 

"These days, when a woman gives a 
man good oral sex he thinks, Well, she 
must have done this a lot to be so good. 
But he doesnt care because he is 
thrilled to be getting a good blow job. 
But sometimes I do hear the old dou- 
ble standard from a guy who wants to 
marry a virgin. But that's exceptional. 
In my estimation, only ten percent of 
people wait until marriage to have sex. 
А recent study said that 88 percent of 
22-year-olds have had sex. That does 
not leave a lot of virgins to marry. 

What has this done to a man's sense of 
commitment to his lover? 

Most women are intelligent enough 
to know that sex doesn’t guarantee 
love, it doesn't guarantee commitment, 
it doesn't guarantee even phone calls. 
Women are not waiting by the phone as 
much as they were 20 years ago. A 
woman should get the guy's number, 
too—not just give out hers. We all 
know that by now. 

What advice do you give to inexperienced. 
people on sex itself? 

Start with kissing. Don't just kiss a 
woman on the lips. Kiss her ears, and 
her neck down to her chest. Young 
guys sometimes compartmentalize 
breasts: "OK, now ГЇЇ rub them for ten 
seconds, suck on them for 15 and then 
go down on her" He should touch 
them as if he were making love to her 
whole body. That will help her relax 
and turn her on. 

What's the mosi sensitive area? 

"To kiss? Many women would say the 
neck and ears. 

This is graphic, but how about. . . . 

Between the vagina and the anus? 
Ah, the graphic spot. There are so 
many names for that spot. The techni- 
cal name is the perineum. Pressure on 
the flesh between the vagina and the 
anus can be quite stimulating. Very 
pleasurable. If the woman has no 
hang-ups, a guy could lick from the 
butt to the clitoris, all the way up. 


Any other rules on oral sex? 

The guy shouldn't go down there 
with his eyes closed, trying not to smell 
or taste, flicking his tongue on her clit- 
oris. Dive in—get into it. If it’s not 
fulfilling to him, it's not going to work 
for her. 

Do you have any advice for young men on 
intercourse? 

A lot of guys rush to try everything 
the first time: "I better do it doggy style 
because I don't know when I'm going 
to get another chance." They want to 
start on top, then have her on top to 
see her breasts bounce, then they want 
to get behind, then standing up or sit- 
ting. Within 30 seconds they have been 
in six positions. They don't know if 
theyve just had sex or finished a 
wrestling match. Great sex is when you 
are totally in the moment, feeling con- 
nected and not thinking about where 
to put your hand next. 

Or thinking about baseball? 

1 don't believe in thinking about 
baseball to hold off orgasms. It spoils 
the intimacy of sex. I'd much rather 
have a man ejaculate before he thinks 
he wants to. If he thinks, Oh, shit, I 
came too soon, his enjoyment is lost. 
Just start over. 

What do women first struggle with? 

Well, hand jobs can be difficult. 
When a guy masturbates, he knows 
how fast to go and which fingers to 
keep tight. A woman often has difficul- 
ty making the penis slide through her 
hand. Her grip is too tight or too loose. 
I recommend lubricant—you get the 
glide and the pressure. Astroglide has 
the least taste, smell or stickiness. I was 
at a Society for the Scientific Study of 
Sex convention when I first saw it on 
display. I squeezed a sample into my 
hand and immediately looked around 
and thought, I have to get a man to un- 
zip his pants. Just touching it makes 
you want to give hand jobs. 

Let's move back a few years. What was 
unique about your generation's high school 
experiences? 

Well, for many kids TV was the 
babysitter. We're the generation of 
latchkey kids. We were home alone af- 
ter school because our parents were 
working. 

Does this latchkey environment foster sex- 
ual exploration? 

Sure. The number one place teens 
have sex is in their own beds with their 
boyfriends or girlfriends. That's why 
it's so liberating for them to leave 
home. They had to finish sex by 5:15 
before Mom walked in, or worry about 
having cops bang on the car window. 

How about in college? 

College is safer. It's also a closed 
community. Everyone has been with 
everyone else in the dorm and that's it. 

(continued on page 164) 


"Bad neus, darling? You've got a face like somebody sat on it." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 
AND DAVID MECEY 


“I love being іп front of a comerc," admits Carmen. “Singing, dancing or posing, 
it’s all equally exciting, and equally sensual. It's performance. It's on adrenaline 
rush that comes naturally to me, for I'm a bit of a ham. I'm a born performer.” 


to Rod Stewart's Da 
Ya Think I’m Sexy? 
One judge wrote, 
“Too sexy for her 
age.” She won any- 
way. Carmen also 
won the Baby Miss 
USA pageant, and 
then, after excelling 
at the School for Cre- 
ative and Performing 
Arts in Cincinnati, 
went West to seek 
fame. A Princely tal- 
ent scout saw her ina 
nightclub and said, 
“I like your look. Do 
you sing?” An hour 
later Carmen sang 
for the Purple One, 
who became her pa- 
tron and producer. 
“But not my lover,” 
she says, “no matter 
what you may have 
heard.” No, he sim- 
ply advises, Carmen 
magnetizes, and to- 
gether they succeed. 
That's what friends 
are all about, isn't it? 


"Sex is like any art 
form. It’s good if it 
comes from the heart," 
Carmen says. “1 had 
never posed in the nude 
before, but that didn't 
make it hard. | found 
that made it a whole 
new excitement." 


68 


PLAYBOY PROFIL 


NEWT 


the speaker of the house 
wants your attention in the worst way 


By MOLLY IVINS 


ELL, HE IS a rare one, Mr. Gingrich is. But you 

have to admit, it takes a crew as gormless as 

the Washington press corps to take him seri- 

ously. The man is without question the single 
silliest public official east of the Texas legislature. 

"The trouble with members of the D.C. press is that they 
are under the daffy impression they have to take him seri- 
ously just because he's been elected to high public office. 
Great gravy, poor Mencken. 

Nincompoopery has never been a bar to high office in 
our nation. Newt Gingrich's sole claim to serious consider- 
ation is that he's great copy. He has no ideas, no principles, 
no integrity and, by and large, he's a damn fool. 

On the other hand, what he does have is enthusiasm, and 
not just positive enthusiasm. Gingrich is just as positively 
negative as he is positively positive. He's not a lukewarm 
guy at all, much less one with any judgment. Enthusiasm is 
an endearing trait. 

According to Time magazine, Gingrich's colleagues at 
West Georgia College called him Mr. Truth, because any 
time he finished a book, he'd come flying in, declaring, 
"This book is the truth! It's the best book I ever read!" 

On the other hand, when Gingrich is negatively enthusi- 
азис, he's just as positive. In January 1995 he declared, 
"There is no grotesquerie, no distortion, no dishonesty too 
great" for his political enemies to use against him. That re- 
mark echoed an earlier ürade in which Gingrich declared: 
"These people are sick. They are destructive of the values 
we believe in," he said. "They are so consumed by their 
own power, by a Mussolini-like ego, that their willingness to 
run over normal human beings and to destroy honest insti- 
tutions is unending.” 

For those of you familiar with motivational speakers, 
Gingrich is the Zig Ziglar of Republican politics. In fact, 
there is an amusing parallel between the salesmen who 
drive between calls listening to Ziglar on “how to close” and 
Republican candidates who drive between campaign stops 
listening to Gingrich on “how to win.” 

In addition to being an enthusiast, Gingrich is brazen. 
Isn't that a lovely old-fashioned word? Shameless. Without 
scruple. Possessed of brass-faced gall. A man for whom the 
word hypocrisy has no meaning. 

There аге a couple of easy pointers for the neophyte 


Newtist on how to read the speaker. One is that Gingrich 
constantly accuses others of what he himself is guilty of. 
"The shrinks call it projection, but I have no interest in his 
psyche or private life. Projection is simply a fact of his polit- 
ical life. It goes back at least to 1978, during his first suc- 
cessful congressional campaign, when he accused his oppo- 
nent Virginia Shapard of preparing to leave her family 
behind if she went to Washington, while Gingrich's staffers 
were taking bets on how long his own collapsing marriage 
would last. 

In Gingrich's career, the most famous of all the instances 
of projection is his destruction of Speaker Jim Wright. It is 
fashionable to write about how ironic itis that Speaker Gin- 
grich had problems with a book contract and that he cur- 
rently has ethics problems—both ordeals suffered by 
Speaker Wright. Actually, the irony is quite old. At the time 
Gingrich called Wright "the least ethical Speaker in the 
20th century" because Wright had exceeded the House's 
$20,000 limit on honoraria through bulk buying of his 
book, Gingrich himself had raised $105,000 from former 
campaign contributors to publicize his own book, Window of 
Opportunity. Gingrich's political friends formed a limited 
partnership to promote his book through advertising and. 
touring. Gingrich's wife, Marianne, was paid $11,500 by the 
partnership and Gingrich made $24,000 off it. In Wright's 
case, his political friends helped him out by buying his book 
after it came out. In Gingrich’s case, his friends helped by 
paying publishing-related expenses for his book. In both cas- 
€s, special-interest money wound up in the authors’ pockets. 

Another easy take on Gingrich is that whenever he be- 
comes offensively defensive, when he issues a flat, repetitive 
denial, you're on to something, and well advised to hone 
right in. For example, he said in March 1995, "Any liberal 
who tells you we are cutting spending and hurting children 
is lying. LY-I-N-G, lying!” The House Republicans then 
proceeded to propose cuts for Head Start, summer jobs for 
inner-city kids, prenatal care, education, Medicaid, assis- 
tance for poor and handicapped children, recreation pro- 
grams for inner-city kids, school lunches and, of course, 
welfare. According to a study by the Office of Management 
and Budget, the proposals could move 2.1 million children 
into poverty. 

When asked about the Federal Election Commission’s 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LEVINE 


ЇЇ >= 


PLAYBOY 


70 


lawsuit against Gopac, Gingrich's polit- 
ical action committee, he avoided de- 
tails and called the charges phony. In 
fact, Gingrich used the word phony 11 
times in the space of one minute. 
"That's easy for him. He regularly floors 
House stenographers by spitting out 
350 words a minute. Nevertheless, 
Gingrich headed Gopac from 1986 un- 
til May 1995, and the FEC has several 
thousand pages of evidence showing 
that Gopac helped candidates for fed- 
eral office without registering as a 
federal PAC and without meeting re- 
porting requirements. According to 
the Democratic National Committee, 
Gopac has received between $10 mil- 
lion and $20 million in large, secret do- 
nations from corporate executives who 
had major interests pending before the 
government. 

When a Меш York Times poll in Octo- 
ber 1995 showed that almost two thirds 
of the American people did not fa- 
vor the proposed Republican tax cut, 
Gingrich went ballistic. "This poll is a 
disgraceful example of disinformation. 
What we get are deliberately rigged 
questions that are totally phony.” Ging- 
rich wants to cut $270 billion from 
Medicare while giving out $245 billion 
in tax cuts that would significantly 
benefit those who make more than 
$200,000 a year. He is extremely sensi- 
tive about using the word cut in rela- 
tion to Medicare. He says he is only 
slowing the rate of growth in order to 
“save” Medicare. 

Frank Luntz, a Republican pollster, 
concluded in a memo that the only way 
to cut Medicare was to scare people in- 
to thinking it was going broke and then 
claim to save it. Of course, when Dem- 
ocrats objected to the proposed $270 
billion cut, the Luntz strategy did not 
prevent our man Newt from saying, 
“Think about a party whose last stand 
is to frighten 85-year-olds, and you'll 
understand how totally morally bank- 
rupt the Democratic Party is." 

Although many of Gingrich's critics 
would like to think he merely pops off 
all the time, in fact both his use of cer- 
tain language and his repetition of cer- 
tain ploys are quite deliberate. Connie 
Bruck, writing in The New Yorker, cites 
“polarization and oversimplification" 
as hallmarks of Gingrich's rhetoric. 

Gingrich pays attention to language 
with a concentration that would do 
credit to a professor of semiotics. In a 
1990 Gopac letter to Republican candi- 
dates, he wrote, "I have also included a 
new document entitled "Language: A 
Key Mechanism of Control,’ drafted by 
Gopac political director Tom Morgan. 
Тһе words in that paper are tested lan- 
guage from a recent series of focus 
groups where we actually tested ideas 
and language." 


Gingrich has a particular fondness 
for the words grotesque, sick, bizarre 
and twisted, and regularly uses them in 
ad hominem attacks on his critics. He 
described a reporter whose question he 
didn't like as "an incredibly stupid per- 
son," and denounced another as "gro- 
tesque and offensive." Demonstrators 
protesting Medicare cuts along his 
book tour were "would-be fascists." 
Unfortunately, it's catching. Gingrich's 
critics respond with ad hominem at- 
tacks on him, and, splendidly brazen as 
he is, he is not beyond posturing as a 
wounded innocent. 

One of Gingrich's regular ploys is to 
associate "the opposition" —whether he 
defines it as Democrats, liberals, or 
counterculture McGoverniks—with 
the most heinous event of the moment. 

In 1992 he said Woody Allen’s affair 
with Mia Farrow's daughter "fits the 
Democratic Party platform perfectly." 
The Democratic Party has never rec- 
ommended screwing your lover's 
adopted daughter. 

When Susan Smith drowned her two 
sons in South Carolina in 1994, Ging- 
rich said it "vividly reminds every 
American how sick society is getting 
and how much we have to change. 
I think people want to change, and 
the only way you get change is to vote 
Republican." 

Actually, the Democrats have never 
recommended drowning your chil- 
dren either. But in reference to the 
above item, Susan Smith was in fact 
screwed by her stepfather from the age 
of 15 on. He was a member of the state 
Republican executive committee and 
the Christian Coalition. 

In September 1995 a three-year-old 
girl was accidentally killed during a 
gang-related shooting in Los Angeles. 
One of the suspects was out on parole, 
a circumstance in which Gingrich saw 
an opportunity. He called it “a glaring 
example of a liberal, New Deal ap- 
eh that put up with violence, ac- 
cepted brutality.” The New Deal is not 
generally remembered either for put- 
ting up with violence or for accepting 
brutality. 

In November 1995 a hideous crime 
caught the nation’s attention: A welfare 
mother named Debra Evans, nine 
months pregnant, was killed along with 
two of her children. The killer cut the 
unborn child from her womb. Gingrich 
quickly tried to exploit the murders for 
political gain. "Let's talk about what 
the welfare state has created. Let's talk 
about the moral decay of the world the 
left is defending. It happened in Amer- 
ica because for two generations we 
haven't had the guts to talk about right 
and wrong,” he said. Evans, the victim, 
was, in fact, on welfare. She was also a 
regular churchgoer, known for open- 


ing her home and sharing what little 
food she had with others. She and her 
two children were each buried with 
Bibles on their chests. The left, no mat- 
ter how loosely it is defined, has yet to 
encourage murdering pregnant wom- 
en and cutting their babies out of 
the womb. 

The latest round of journalistic ef- 
forts to take this unpromising speci- 
men of political guttersnipe seriously 
includes de rigueur reflections on what 
The Washington Post calls "Gingrich's in- 
tellectual force.” In Time magazine’s hi- 
larious Man of the Year profile, Lance 
Morrow hails his “first-class intelli- 
gence.” According to Bruck’s New York- 
er profile, Shögun is Gingrich’s Bible. 
God save us, it isn’t even a good book. 
On the other hand, it is a lot better 
than his own novel, 1945, which is so 
appalling that anyone who admires 
Gingrich should be forced to read it. 

It is now conventional wisdom that 
Gingrich's "ideas" dominate the Wash- 
ington agenda, that he was somehow 
preternaturally in touch with the deep- 
est yearnings of the American people. 
Actually, much of what Gingrich pro- 
pounds stems from poll-driven politics 
and pollster packaging. 

Conservatives, being conservative, 
object to Gingrich's ideological un- 
steadiness: He cannot be classified as a 
libertarian, an economic conservative 
or a social conservative. From a think- 
ing person's point of view, this is en- 
couraging news: Surely only a ditto- 
head could be so neatly pigeonholed. 
But the conservative critique of Ging- 
rich is not that he is a synthesizer so 
much as he is a here-and-thereian. He 
frequently launches bozo ideas—or- 
phanages, laptop computers for all, 
recognizing Taiwan and Handicapped 
in Space are among the more memo- 
rable. (His Handicapped in Space pro- 
gram, described in his book Window of 
Opportunily, is based on the fetching no- 
tion that the handicapped will find 
it easier to work in a zero-gravity 
environment.) 

Politics is normally considered hard- 
ball (“It ain't just beanbag," we all say 
cheerfully), but still a sport, and one 
with rules. For most of us. Tom Foley, 
by general consensus, will go down as 
one of the worst Speakers and one of 
the most decent human beings ever to 
serve in Congress. In 1989 a few Re- 
publicans were peddling the unsub- 
stantiated rumor that Foley, married 
for years, was gay. An aide to Gingrich 
spoke to Lars-Erik Nelson of the New 
York Daily News and added, *We hear 
it’s litle boys." She also warned him 
that other newspapers were pursuing 
the story. 

Nelson printed her words verbatim. 

(continued on page 78) 


“Ро you give every client such close attention?" 


71 


BLANK XROWEZ 


The Black Crowes' taste 
in fashion is in perfect 
sync with the band's 
freewheeling music. 
Los Angeles fashion 
designer Karen Dusen- 
bery designs most of 
lead singer Chris 
Robinson’s Seventies- 
looking clothes. (His 
lanky frame sometimes 
makes off-the-rack fits 
difficult.) Vintage thrift- 
shop threads also end 
vp in his closet—or 
within reach on his 
floor. No matter where 
he shops, Robinson 
prefers sensuous, tac- 
tile fabrics, such as the 
tie-dyed chenille of 
this crochet sweater. 


THE GREAT THING about being a rock star (besides the 
groupies) is that you can dress louder than your music. 
Just as the navy blue suit is the mark of a businessman, 
flashy fashions say rocker all the way. "The artists who 
dress the best are those who succeed in expressing their 
personality through the clothes they wear," says designer 
Gianni Versace. Some go for outrageous (Lenny Kravitz in 


For U2's Zoo 
a skintight 


shiny black leather, by British design- 
er Joe Casely-Hayford. Like David 
Bowie before him, Bono makes use of 
wardrobe changes to create different 12 
onstage personae. Pictured heré asf, |: 
the Fly, he proves prescient about 


fashion trends: Wraparound 
sunglasses (his are by Cutless | 
& Gross) will continüé | 
to be the hottest. | 
style for summer. | 


skintight silver lamé or Bono in top-to-toe leather), some 
prefer slick (Boyz II Men in their matching ensembles) and 
others go for all-out attitude (e.g., the antifashion state- 
ments of Alice in Chains or Soundgarden). Regardless, 
plenty of mainstream fashion trends debut on concert 
stages. To give you an idea of who's wearing what, we went 
to see some of today's top musicians. Here's the buzz. 


SARTH ERGDRZ 


Cowboys wear Wranglers, and 
so do country western singers— 
especially Garth Brooks. Since 
Brooks debuted in 1989, he's 
changed the look and sound of 
С country. His signature hat is cus- 
tom-made by Stetson in felt with 
а four-inch brim and a quarter- 
horse crown. His jeans are 
2 pressed with a crease and his 
2 plaid shirts are ironed and 
tant) are not flan- 
E stage Brooks wears 

» 


baseball caps. 


Not unlike the ну Fab 
; Барғ orthe-Temptations, 


dress in harmony (as 

(| shown here wearing 
ing linen suits). The 

Foup helped popularize 

Г rban Preppy look: 
rugby shirts warn 

Ih Bermuda-length 

Shorts by designers such 
ез Ralph Lauren and 

| тотту Hilfiger. 


SMASHING. PUNPKINS 


2 ‚This group ascended from the alterna- 
~ "five music scene by fusing punk with 
the arena rock of their teens—an aes- 
thetic that makes them ideal used- 
clothes junkies. Given the Pumpkins’ 
campy retro look, you'd be just as likely 
1o find them in flouncy pais- 

ley shirts as you would in 

striped T-shirts or 

а secondhand rep 

tie (as worn by 

James tha). 


X@LIO 


Some of his videos feature 
Coolio in an oversize bas- 
ketball shirt with his mini- 
dreads flying. But, as be- 
fits a rapper riding a hit 
filled Gangsta's Paradise, 
he also knows how to play 
/ it smooth. He prefers a 
bold, light tie that works 
off a dark, Mob-style 
shirt. His low-brim hat 
full-length overcoat 

an earlier zoot-suit 
modernized with а 

lio touch—chunky- 
platform shoes. 


КИРАИ. 


What becomes а diva 
most? It's a question Ru- 
Paul has pondered since 

his hit dance single, Su- 
permodel. Apparently, the 
answer is something out 
of a swimsuit catalog. “1 
work hard for this body," 
he says. “I want to show 
it” That's exactly what he 
does in his striped body- 
suit (above) by designer 
Norma Kamali, 


DAVID BOWIE 


Bowie has instigated or 
reflected just about every 
fashion trend since the 
late Sixties. During his re- 
cent tour with Nine Inch 
Nails, Bowie borrowed 
NIN's industrial-style fab- 
rics. He wore a tight vinyl 
T-shirt (customized by a 
stylist to match his favorite 
cut) and spangled, 
skintight pants by British 
designer John Richmond. 


PLAYBOY 


78 


NEWT GINGRICH 


(continued from page 70) 


The budget for the Speaker's office has gone up 
40 percent, to $600,000 a year. 


Gingrich was furious and wrote a letter 
to Nelson's editors saying it never hap- 
pened, that it was irresponsible report- 
ing. He demanded that Nelson be 
fired. Then he apologized to Speaker 
Foley and said his aide's actions were 
“unforgivable and destructive.” But he 
did not fire her. 

In December 1995 Gingrich, citing 
an unnamed source during his appear- 
ance on Meet the Press, said that "up to 
one fourth of the White House staff 
have used drugs in the last four to five 
years." Gingrich, a master of the non- 
apology, said afterward, "It was a com- 
ment which produced a larger effect 
than I intended. In retrospect, I 
should not have said it. I've got to learn 
to be very specific about what I’m try- 
ing to accomplish. I stand by precisely 
what I said on Meet the Press.” 

Since becoming Speaker, Gingrich 
has called Democrats "sick," "corrupt," 
“thugs” and “liars.” Also, a party “that 
despises the values of the American 
people," "cultural masochists" who en- 
joy bad news, "the enemy of normal 
Americans" and guilty of “multicultur- 
al, nihilistic hedonism." Various stories 
that have offended him are "socialist," 
“maniacally stupid" (that one was 
aimed at The Wall Street Journal), “а 
joke,” "mean, spiteful, nasty," “а despi- 
cable hit piece by a person who has vir- 
tually no values." 

But can he take it? In March 1995 he 
told the National Restaurant Associa- 
tion, anent the ethics charges against 
him, “Frankly, it hurts. It hurts to see 
people cheat, and it hurts to see the 
cheating reported as hard news." 

In the same speech, he said, "I am so 
sick of the way the game is played by 
the news media and the way the game 
is played by the Democrats in this city 
that it is, frankly, all I can do to stand in 
there. They are misusing the ethics sys- 
tem in a deliberate, vicious, vindictive 
way, and I think it is despicable, and 1 
have just about had it." 

Last April he told Face the Nation, "Y 
am very bitter about this. 1 am the only 
political figure of your lifetime who has 
been held to this incredible standard." 

In October Gingrich reportedly said 
at a town meeting in Roswell, Georgia: 
"No one can get up every day and take 
the kind of totally dishonest cheap 
shots that we take and not wonder 
sometimes why you keep doing it. 
Frankly, Гуе thought about quitting 
because of the vicious, routine smears 


Marianne and I have to put up with." 
He loves to say "frankly." 

Gingrich's tongue is almost as fa- 
mous as Bob Packwood's. His funniest 
moments come when he takes a stand 
precisely contrary to an earlier stand 
(in some cases, only hours later) and is 
Just as belligerent on the one side as he 
is on the other. 

Before the 1994 election, Alice Riv- 
lin, head of President Clinton's Office 
of Management and Budget, wrote a 
memo outlining a number of options 
for cutting the deficit while still find- 
ing ways to invest in programs such as 
job training. One option was cutting 
Social Security benefits to the wealthy. 
Gingrich promptly raised an enormous 
furor, claiming that the Clinton admin- 
istration was planning to cut Social Se- 
curity. Oh, what a heinous thing! 

He was, of course, totally undeterred 
by the fact that he himself proposed a 
bill in 1986 that would have cut off So- 
cial Security for everyone in the entire 
country, 

Great comic moments frequently fol- 
low his occasional vows to keep his 
tongue under control. In 1985, when 
The Washington Post said he was proba- 
bly the most disliked member of Con- 
gress, Gingrich replied, “That was the 
old me—abrasive and confrontational. 
You'll see a change now. I am no longer 
the person I once was. I can be much 
quieter, much more positive.” 

That, of course, was before Jim 
Wright, Tom Foley or Bill Clinton. 

After being sworn in as Speaker in 
January 1995, Gingrich made a concil- 
latory speech, stating, “We are here as 
commoners together, to some extent 
Democrats and Republicans, to some 
extent liberals and conservatives, but 
Americans all. I would say to our 
friends in the Democratic Party that 
we're going to work with you.” 

Later the same day, he called Demo- 
cratic tactics “dumb,” “partisan” and 
“pathetically narrow. 

Even more hilariously, after months 
of robustly Gingrichian rhetoric, he 
then turned and accused the press of 
dwelling on the negative and “trying to. 
get a catfight started.” 

"In order to conduct a thorough and 
credible investigation, the special coun- 
sel needs unlimited subpoena power," 
said Gingrich during the investigation 
of Speaker Jim Wright. Now, of course, 
the special counsel who is investigating 
Speaker Gingrich must be carefully 


limited in authority. 

Taiwan, term limits and campaign 
finance reform are more issues Ging- 
rich has seen from both sides, but 
Gingrich doesn't do anything so pedes- 
trian as waffle or retreat. He is emphat- 
ic, no matter if he contradicts himself. 
Ambivalence is not Gingrich. 

He can also be incredibly reckless in 
defining the differences between what 
he always posits as the conservative op- 
portunity society versus the welfare 
state. An obscure and, by Washington 
standards, inexpensive program called 
Supplemental Security Income goes, 
literally, to poor, crippled children. It's 
not easy to attack a program that helps 
poor, crippled children. Were it not for 
the stipend that helps economically 
marginal families care for their chil- 
dren born with spina bifida, cystic 
fibrosis and other diseases, the kids 
would have to be dumped into public 
institutions, where the cost of their an- 
nual care would run way over what 
their families now get to help pay for 
wheelchairs, ramps, etc. Gingrich told 
the U.S. Chamber of Commerce that 
poor people are not only coaching 
their kids on how to fake disabilities, 
but also beating them if they do not 
succeed. "They're being punished for 
not getting what they call crazy money 
or stupid money. We literally have chil- 
dren suffering child abuse so they can 
get a check for their parents.” 

There simply is no evidence for such 
a claim. Some shaky reporting based 
on unreliable sources had raised some 
questions about the SSI program, 
which also covers children with severe 
mental problems, and this was seized 
on by the right to discredit the pro- 
gram. Media reviews have since gone 
back and discredited both the report- 
ing and the sources (who never alleged 
what Gingrich did to begin with). 

One way to gauge Gingrich's com- 
mitment to "changing the way Wash- 
ington works" is to look at what he has 
done with his own office. The budget 
for the Speaker's office has gone up 40 
percent since Gingrich took over, to 
$600,000 a year. In addition to hiring a 
House protocol officer, Gingrich hired 
John Garbett, a Hollywood executive 
who formerly worked with Steven 
Spielberg, to coordinate media cover- 
age for the House. His hire as House 
historian was “unfairly” criticized by 
the media for being pro-Nazi (a truly 
“bizarre” misunderstanding). He re- 
tained the $25,000 Speaker's slush 
fund that he had previously criticized 
and hired the co-author of the miser- 
able novel 1945, Albert Hanser, as a 
$60,000-a-year consultant performing 
ineffable services (or at least unidenti- 
fiable duties) for mankind. 

(concluded on page 151) 


"Only if you wear a condom. When my husband gave me 
the bike, he told me to be careful." 


80 


PORTS BY KEVIN COOK 


ı KNEW baseball was back one day last 
р spring. The air smelled of leather 
and clay and cut grass. The Giants were tak- 
ing batting practice, that serious ritual that 
unfolds before mostly empty seats. 

The players hooted at Wendell Kim, the San 
Francisco coach who pitches BP. The 55” Kim 
looked like a cartoon as he hopped up and 
down, getting loose. Chatter subsided as he 
picked up a ball and went to work. 

The starting lineup bats first, and starters 
get their ups in strict batting order. Darren 
Lewis, the leadoff man, stepped in and began 
slapping ground balls. He moved on to anoth- 
er pesky-guy specialty—low, slicing liners that 
drop at outfielders’ feet. Soon number two 
hitter Robby Thompson was slapping out 
more of the same. Kim kept the pitches com- 
ing, one 70-mph letter-high straightball after 
another. Nothing is worse than a BP pitcher 
with flawed control. The Hawaii-born Kim 
knew that if he threw a time-waster into the 
dirt, somebody would yell for "another Japa- 
nese midget." 

Next up, Barry Bonds. The three-time 
MVP strolled to the plate, gold chains ajingle 
Bonds owns every moment he occupies. Two 
years ago he had to grin when the judge in his 
nasty divorce case asked for his autograph. At 
BP he began by hitting line drives that started 
out like Lewis’ and Thompson's, but these 
didn't fall in the outfield. They carried to the 
fence. Soon Bonds was launching long rockets 
and seemed as happily amazed as anyone at 
the way he can turn baseballs into shooting 
stars. He actually said “Hee-hee.” 

Sometimes you see the future at batting 
practice. If the man with three hits last night 
hits long ropes in BP, he'll probably stay hot 
The guy who's slumping pops up and stomps 
his foot like a rhino. Thats what Matt 
Williams did. The bald, grim cleanup man 
popped up and looked at his bat as if it were 
an impostor. He smacked himself on the fore- 
head. “Goddog it, Matthew!” he said. 

Behind the batting cage stood hitting coach 
Bobby Bonds, Barry's dad. Bobby leaned on 
the cage with his fingers laced in its links. 
When foul balls came he unclenched, getting 
his fingers out of harm's way. ^Hit it hard, not 
far," he whispered, "hard, not far." 

From that lazy BP day the season spun out 
with its usual unpredictability. In May the 
Reds were a last-place 1-8 and trailed the 
Mets 11-4 in the eighth. After a miracle win 
set them on course for the playoffs, manager 
Davey Johnson said, *Whoo! Lordy, lordy," 
and testified to the hoodoo that made it hap- 
pen. His Reds had rubbed their chests with 
the fur of Schottzie, nutty owner Marge 
Schott's dog. The dog had died in 1991. Now 
Johnson has wisely fied to Rip City, Maryland, 


the game is 
back from the 
dead and the 


power is where 


it belongs 


with the players 


ETT 
199 


Sa 


Pr 


eball 


PV 11 


2 1; 


PLAYBOY 


82 


site of saner shining moments. 

That's where Calvin Ripken Jr. 
topped Lou Gehrig by playing his 
2131st consecutive game. During the 
streak other teams used 517 "every- 
day" shortstops. The 6'4" Ripken once 
appeared linebackerish at short, but we 
had time to get used to his outsize, lazy- 
looking fluidity and neon blue eyes. 


Nobody was ever more perfectly in 
place than Ripken on September 6, 
1995, finally leaving his position to take 
a victory lap around Camden Yards. 
In Ripken and pitching genius Greg 
Maddux the game now has quiet pro- 
fessionals in charge. Maddux, though, 
has something of a mean streak. He 
butted heads with another tricky scien- 


PLAYBOY'S PILKS 


AL EAST 


AL CENTRAL 


AL WEST 


Orioles 

Yankees 
Red Sox 
Blue Jays 

Tigers 


Indians 
White Sox 
Royals 
Twins 
Brewers 


Angels 
Mariners 
Rangers 
Athletics 


AL Wild Card: Yankees 


NL EAST 


NL CENTRAL 


NL WEST 


Braves 
Mets 
Marlins 
Phillies 
Expos 


Astros 
Cardinals 
Reds 
Cubs 
Pirates 


Dodgers 
Rockies 
Padres 
Giants 


NL Wild Card: Mets 


AL CHAMPS: INDIANS 


NL CHAMPS: DODGERS 


WORLD CHAMPS: INDIANS 


tist in the World Series. 

Maddux and Orel Hershiser—Mad 
Dog and Bulldog. They had a rare 
infield summit near the mound in 
game five. After Albert Belle homered, 
Maddux sent a zinging telegram under 
Eddie Murray's chin. The usual bench- 
clearing scuffle followed. And then 
there were the grown-ups off to the 
side, discussing the matter. 

Hershiser: "Did you throw ar him?" 

Maddux: “I tried to jam him.” 

Hershiser: “Your control is better 
than that.” 

Maddux (shrugging): “Not then.” 

Hershiser (threatening): “Well, I get 
the ball, too.” 

With deterrence established, they 
went back to their jobs. In the fourth 
inning Murray, looking like he could 
chew Brave bones, hit a shot up the 
middle, Maddux snagged the ball be- 
fore anyone else saw it. Later Hershi- 
ser, nursing a two-run lead, topped 
Maddux' play. He spun, twisted and 
turned Marquis Grissom's bullet into 
an impossible, game-saving double 
play. Hershiser screamed and pumped 
his fist in the air, looking feral for the 
first time in his life. Inning and game 
to Hershiser. 

Maddux’ Braves won the war. And 
the cheers they earned helped drown 
out the billion football scores I en- 
dured on ESPN all winter. But there 
was an earlier sound that stuck in my 
head, too. 

There was nobody else around that 
day at San Francisco's batting practice, 
so I stepped onto the field. I was in foul 
ground near the third-base coach's 
box. Glenallen Hill was up. Hill was 
hitting lasers down the line. I could 
have been hit, even hurt, out there, but. 
the sound the ball made was hypnoric. 
Hill's line drives actually sizzled as they 
went past. That's easy to do with a golf 
ball, but not at all easy with a baseball. 
It's one major difference between big- 
league hitters and the scab players act- 
ing commissioner Bud Selig and his 
fellow owners tried to fob off on us 
fans last spring. Scabs don't hit the 
ball sonic. 

So I told my rotisserie buddies to get. 
Glenallen Hill. He went on to hit 24 
homers, making me look like a prophet 
fora minute. But that's not what I liked 
most about that day. What I liked was 
that zip as the ball went by, and my 
thinking, Baseball is back and I get to 
write about it. 


. 
“The game is now controlled by 


That's what Orioles exec Kevin Ma- 
lone told a Christian magazine last 
year. Malone is not alone in thinking 


"Yow've said it yourself, dear. Men have no sense when 
it comes lo women." 


PLAYBOY 


baseball is going to hell, and his theory 
has explanatory power. Why else 
would the sport attempt suicide, a mor- 
tal sin, with the labor war of 
1994-1995? Fortunately, a federal 
judge threw the owners out of court. 
Scab baseball was scratched and real 
baseball crawled out of its grave like the 
guy in Blood Simple. Fans stayed away in 
droves last spring and early summer, 
but they returned by Labor Day. 

Now the pastime is back from the 
dead and ready to party. We get anoth- 
er year of Cal and Mad Dog and Orel 
and Junior and Barry and Nomo, an- 
other season of truth, beauty and testi- 
cle-scratching. 

With interesting wrinkles. 

Modern baseball has gotten post- 
modern. Expansion has claimed the 
Sun Belt; Phoenix and Tampa are 
next. Smart clubs, not just rich ones, 
prospered as payrolls rose and TV 
money dried up. The players won the 
labor war. Big stars now get zillions 
while .260 hitters settle for $500,000. 
Wild-card playoffs turned out to be a 
good idca. Interlcaguc play is on the 
way. The Nineties brought the best 
bunch of young stars ever. Baseball An- 
nies got lonely as the young guys, fear- 
ing AIDS, shied away. Cleveland thun- 
dered, but Atlanta reigned. 

It was all predicted here. You can 
look it up. PLAYBOY has been lousy at 
picking World Series winners but con- 
sistently right about the game's evolu- 
tion, largely because we foresaw how 
the money would be distributed in the 
Nineties. Even more important, we 
have always backed the players in labor 
disputes. Marge Schott, George Stein- 
brenner, Wayne Huizenga and Peter 
Angelos may make winter headlines, 
but the owners are just context. The 
players are the game. 

In the postseason predicting game, 
however, other guys in other sports are 
Nostradamus while I am Nostradumb- 
ass. My excuse is that in the long run 
nobody gets rich betting baseball. It’s 
too easy for a seeing-eye bleeder in 
April to start a chain of events that de- 
cides who wins in October. Predicting a 
Series winner now is like picking Miss 
America at birth. 

I still say Indians over Dodgers in 
six. If I'm wrong, blame Satan. 


A year ago Baltimore was the only 
club that refused to field a scab team. 
Owner Peter Angelos thought Orioles 
fans deserved better. Now they get bet- 
ter. Angelos hired two eggheads, man- 
ager Davey Johnson and general man- 
ager Pat Gillick, to rule the coming O's 
dynasty. The game's economics make 
this the age of the GM, and Gillick, ar- 
chitect of Toronto's decade of success, 


is at it again. He traded for David Wells 
and Kent Mercker, who vill vie for the 
best-supporting-starter Oscar bchind 
ace Mike Mussina. Scott Erickson and 


rookie Jimmy Haynes fill out the Birds’ 
rotation, and baby-faced Rocky Cop- 
pinger's in the vings. The GM also net- 
ted closer Randy Myers, who is erratic, 
but if he falters the Orioles vill have 
three superb setup men vaiting by the 
bullpen phone. 

Gillick’s marquee move was signing 
Roberto Alomar to join Cal Ripken on 
the double play. Alomar is the likeliest 
AL MVP this year. Another sly signing 
was that of infielder-outfielder-catch- 
er-valet parker B.J. Surhoff. With .320 
hitter Surhoff at third base, Bobby 
Bonilla can play the outfield and think. 
about his hitting. Bonilla and Rafael 
Palmeiro are the homer-pumping 
heart of an order that also boasts Alo- 
mar, speed-power dude Brady Ander- 
son, catcher Chris Hoiles and Ripken, 
baseball's current president. As a cap- 
per, Gillick even signed Billy Ripken as 
a backup infielder. Billy's 1995 stats: 
three RBIs, one famous brother. 

David Cone heads the Yankees rota- 
tion. Next comes $20 million Florida 
farm boy Kenny Rogers, who used to 
hide in his hotel room on New York 
road trips. Rogers now enters the belly 
of the Bronx. Rehabber Doc Gooden 
and sophomore left-hander Andy Pet- 
шие join the top two, and there's pitch- 
ing help coming as Jimmy Key and 
Melido Perez mend, though Yank ex- 
pectations are probably too great. 
Manager Joe Torre's power men are 
"Tino Martinez, Paul O'Neill and creaky 
DH Ruben Sierra. Capable, but not 
scary. With catcher Mike Stanley gone, 
these are the Bronx Binglers, a pop- 
gun attack. An aging, flat-footed pop- 
gun attack: No Yankee matched the 14 
steals Babe Ruth had in 1920. Still, the 
Yanks were brilliant to get setup man 
Jeff Nelson in the Martinez trade. Kid 
shortstop Derek Jeter's throwing er- 
rors will put boos on the Jeter Meter, 
but he’s a hero in the making. With 
everyone but Cleveland and Baltimore 


shooting for third best, the reshuffled 
Yanks are a strong wild-card bet. 

The iron-mitted Red Sox Bucknered 
their way to the playoffs, where .300 
hitters Mo Vaughn, José Canseco 
(306) and Dwayne Hosey (.338) went 
0 for 39. That .000 matched the Sox" 
record in their past 13 postseason 
games, dating back to 1986 when Bill 
Buckner booted Mookie Wilson's 
grounder. Now Vaughn, Roger Cle- 
mens and supershortstop John Valen- 
tin try again. GM Dan Duquette has 
added a pair of streaky pitchers in 
closer Heath Slocumb and starter Tom 
Gordon, plus two iffy gloves in catcher 
Mike Stanley and multiposition man 
Wil Cordero. Too bad Cordero's ar- 
rival will delay the sizzling debut of 
bush leaguer Pork Chop Pough. 

The Blue Jays tied for last in the big 
leagues. Ugly last. But there’s a furure 
here. John Olerud and Ed Sprague are 
still relatively young. Boomer Carlos 
Delgado, 23-year-olds Shawn Green 
and Alex Gonzalez and farm kids Shan- 
non Stewart and Felipe Crespo are 
younger. The Jays won't remain base- 
ment birds for long. 

The Tigers are endangered. They're 
tied for baseball's worst in batting, sec- 
ond-worst in pitching. They can't trade 
Cecil Fielder because nobody wants a. 
$7 million brontosaurus, even if he hits 
30 homers. They lack a single stirring 
prospect in the minors. Such a team 
would be extinct in another sport, but 
the pastime gives them about a two 
percent shot at a wild card. 


General manager John Hart built his 
Indians the modern way: identifying 
core players early in their careers, sign- 
ing them long-term and filling holes 
with free agents when the nucleus is 
ready to go nuclear. Now comes the re- 
al fun: An offense that kicked the 
league's collective butt returns intact if 
not improved. A mound corps whose 
3.83 ERA dominated the AL has a new 
number one man. Hart's payroll in 
“small market” Cleveland has risen, 
but Tribe fans are doing their part. The 

(continued on page 158) 


In 1980 мауноу Contributing Photographer Richard Feg- 
ley was handed an irresistible assignment: to photograph 
12 beautiful women in equally breathtaking settings, from 
the beaches of Mexico to the boot of a black Pierce-Arrow. 


PLAYBOY GALLERY 


Among the 


tandout images in the collection (previewed in 
the July 19 Y) is this captivating shot of 1978 Play- 
mate of the Y ерга Jo Fondren. So where's the lush ех- 
otic backdrop? Said Fegley: "Debra Jo is her own location." 


85 


МӨР) 32 


HOT TIPS ON BUILDING THE 
ULTIMATE SYSTEM FOR 
MOVIES AND AUDIO 
By GLENN KENNY 


Left: Perfect for home theater use, NHT's 
VI-2 tower speakers feolure a switch on 
the front panel that lets you alternate be- 
tween movie ond music playback ($1750 
per pair). Right, top to bottom: Sony’s RM- 
V21 universal remote control monages up 
to six audio-video sources ond has lighted 
key functions for surfing after dork ($30). 
Pioneer's PDR-05 recordable compoct disc 
player is grect for making compilation 
discs of your favorite CDs (about $2000). 
С It's connected to Technics’ SL-MC700, 
а 111-disc changer that can be pro- 
grammed to play back up to 32 trocks. It 
feotures a front-panel display that scrolls 
the names of discs, which you con ossign. 
= using an IBM-compatible PC keyboard. 
т The price: $500. Kenwood's КС-21 audio- 
2 video receiver (52800) combines Dolby 
= Surround Pro Logic, Dolby (digital) AC-3 
3 ond THX home theater sound reproduc- 
tion with an LCD touch-pad controller 
thot operates via 900-megahertz radio 
frequencies. Sennheiser's IS 850 digital 
headphones ore also wireless, picking 
up signols from an infrared transmitter 
near your audio-video gear. To ensure 
high-quality sound, Sennheiser's 
heodphones feature a digital-to-analog 
converter. The price: about $1400. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD (ZU! 


S vou already know, it's 
no longer enough to have 
a kick-ass stereo. You need 
a home theater—complete 
with a large-screen TV and 
dramatic surround sound to rival that 
of a Multiplex. Fortunately, you don't 
have to sacrifice your music for movies. 
The best home theater components 
handle the apocalypuc explosions of 
Terminator 2 and the supple sonorities 
of a Stan Getz sax solo equally well. As 
in the past, buying the appropriate 
gear simply means knowing the size of 
your listening room, the size of your 
bank balance and, most important, 
what sounds good to you 
Before going shopping, though, 
there's some new terminology to mas- 
ter. For the past few years, the sur- 
round-sound names to know have 
been (1) Dolby Surround: a technology 
that provides a signal to right, left and 
surround speakers aud (2) Dolby Sur- 
round Pro Logic: which is Dolby Sur- 
round with an additional center chan- 
nel. The latest spin on surround sound. 
lled Dolby Surround AC-3, a home 
variation of the Dolby Digital audio 


PLAYBOY 


88 


system now in movie theaters. From its 
Dolby handle you can tell that the 
process is, well, digital. But also distin- 
guishing it from its forebears is the fact 
that its surround (rear-speaker) infor- 
mation is spread over two separate 
channels. That makes five separate 
channels, or, to be more precise, 5.1— 
as AC-3 signals also feed bass infor- 
mation into every channel for that ex- 
tra-convincing rumble whenever an 
aircraft flies across the screen or a 
funky rhythm section lays down a par- 
ticularly deep bottom on your compact 
disc player. Because the process is fair- 
ly new even to movie theaters, it's ex- 
tremely new to home components. But 
AG-3 is becoming increasingly preva- 
lent—which means that if you're not 
going to spring for an audio-video re- 
ceiver that has AC-3 to begin with, you 
should seriously consider one that will 
Jet you hook up an AC-3 decoder later. 

Just as the digitization of audio in- 
creases, so video strives to catch up. Di- 
rect broadcast satellite TV is already 
making a big impact on the home 
front. Later this year, the digital yideo 
disc will debut with plans to supplant 
both videocassettes and laser discs. 
This multifaceted technology puts an 
entire laser disc-quality movie (with 
multiple viewing formats and lan- 
guages) on what looks like a five-inch 
compact disc. High-definition TV also 
is coming, so you'll want to make sure 
you invest in a sound system that will 
be able to accommodate these ad- 
vances. The best place to start is with. 
an audiovisual receiver. Unlike con- 
ventional receivers with an AM-FM 
tuner, speaker wires and inputs for a 
turntable, CD player and cassette deck, 
AV receivers are all-purpose beauties 
that serve as power stations and control 
centers for just about everything fun in 
your home that has a plug. 

To get the most from a receiver, you 
need to take a good look at the gear 
you already have—say, a turntable, cas- 
sette deck, CD player, TV, VCR and ca- 
ble box—and what you plan to buy, 
such as more speakers and a DVD play- 
er when they debut this fall. With that 
list in mind, you'll be able to find a re- 
ceiver that will serve you well into the 
future. You'll also want to ensure that 
the component can provide sufficient 
power to at least five speakers—the 
minimum configuration for home the- 
ater. Seventy-five watts per channel 
should be more than enough—and 
rear speakers can sound awesome with 
much less. Finally, you'll want a system 
that doesn't require a master's degree 
from MIT to operate. 

Sony takes simplicity back to the egg 
with its STR-G3 AV receiver ($1000). 
Once you've attached all your compo- 
nents to this system (which can handle 


up to nine sources), you control the 
gear via a tiny, one-button, egg-shaped 
remote and an on-screen point-and- 
click menu. If the television is off, the 
commands appear on the receiver's 
front-panel LED display. 

Kenwood has created an equally i 
novative controller device for its KC- 
Z1: a removable faceplate with an LCD 
touch pad that controls the system over 
900-megahertz radio frequencics. 
Priced around $2800, this AC-3 model 
delivers 100 watts per channel to the 
front speakers and 70 to the sur- 
rounds. It has four video and five au- 
dio inputs and is THX certified. THX 
is a trademark of George Lucas’ Lu- 
casfilm company, and it refers to a stan- 
dard of sound reproduction that Lucas 
introduced in theaters and home 
equipment. You don't need TH X-li- 
censed products in order to get great 
home theater, but the THX logo is an 
assurance of a certain standard of 
movie-sound excellence. 

Another THX-certified audio-video 
receiver, Technics’ SA-TX50 ($1000), 
combines state-of-the-art features with 
slick cosmetics. Analog meters on this 
unit indicate the levels of juice flowing 
to the left and right channels. The SA- 
TX50 is also equipped for Dolby Pro 
Logic Surround and AC-3 surround, 
and features Technics’ Enhanced Class 
H+ amplifier circuit, which offers two 
separate power supplies. This dual cir- 
cuitry means the receiver can operate 
at a lower power setting, switching to 
higher power during loud scenes or. 
other spikes in a soundtrack. 

While AV receivers meld inputs, out- 
puts and processing with amplification, 
another alternative is a preamp-tuner, 
which combines the first three features 
but requires separate power amps. 
While this is less convenient than an AV 
receiver, many audiophiles find it more 
fulfilling. Rotel offers a number of what 
it calls “future-proof” preamp-tuners. 
Both Rotel's RTC-970 ($800) and 
RTC-985 (about $1500) feature Dolby 
Pro Logic Surround processing, vari- 
ous music modes (e.g., stadium, 
church, club) and a multipin connector 
that allows the easy hookup of an AC-3 
decoder if you decide to add one. 

Marantz’ SR96 receiver (about 
$1500) may be a smart bet if you don't 
want to go the separates route. This 
model provides 110 watts to the front. 
channels, 90 to the surrounds and is 
just ready and waiting for Marantz’ 
DP-870 AC-3 decoder ($699). 

You'll discover other options as you 
search for an AV receiver. Some tech- 
nologies, such as digital processing op- 
tions meant to enhance music listening, 
may seem frivolous at first. Just keep in 
mind that you may not want to employ 
an echoey "church" setting while lis- 


tening to White Zombie, but some 
"theater" settings on AV receivers can 
actually do wonders with the mono 
soundtracks of old movies. 

None of this, of course, would mean 
much without a good set of speakers. 
When shopping for speakers, use your 
ears. More than anything else, the 
search for home theater speakers 
should involve a substantial amount of 
critical listening with your favorite 
CDs, videos or LDs on hand. 

Again, if you're looking for simplici- 
ty, several manufacturers are introduc- 
ing "home-theater-in-a-box" speaker 
systems that retail for less than $2000. 
These systems are so hot even compa- 
nies that aren't typically associated with 
speakers (such as 3M) are geuing in on 
the action. These systems typically 
package left, right, center and sur- 
round speakers, sometimes with a sub- 
woofer. Generally, all of the speakers in 
the set will be bookshelf models. Some, 
such as those by Sherwood, go so far as 
to color speaker wires to simplify instal- 
lation. We suggest listening to packages 
by Celestion, Allison, Cerwin-Vega, 
Magnavox, Technics and Emerson. 

To counter this marketing pitch, 
smaller manufacturers that specialize 
in speakers offer home theater-ready 
versions of their own bookshelf units. 
PSB's Alpha Special Edition's add mag- 
netic shielding (which prevents speak- 
ers from distorting your television pic- 
ture) and what the company calls 
“media-room cosmetics" to what's al- 
ready an extremely solid and surpris- 
ingly powerful compact speaker. For 
about $250 per pair, five of them will 
cost you a little more, but you may find 
their exceptional sound to be worth it. 

A higher-priced speaker array con- 
fronts the music-or-movie issue with 
innovative directness. NHT's VT-2 
tower speakers, designed to take the 
right and left positions in a home the- 
ater, have a switch that sets them for 
optimum music or surround-sound 
playback. The company's VS-2 satellite 
speakers, which take the center and 
surround positions, use the same driv- 
ers as the VT-2s but omit the ten-inch 
side woofers of the towers. These 
woofers deliver a smooth bass (and 
NHT does have a powered subwoofer, 
the $1350 SW3B, for those who want 
more). This elegantly designed system 
costs about $1900. 

Finally, those who want to go whole 
hog—that is, get a system that'll rock 
the house and make you never want to 
bother going to a Multiplex again— 
could splurge on B&W's THX Home 
"Theater speaker system. Since B&W 
made its name as a crafter of first-rate 
music loudspeakers, the THX's poten- 

(concluded on page 163) 


"alternative musie 
owes its life to nonprofit 
college stations, and the 


record companies are 


2 about to make it pay 


article by Mark Jannot 


TOMMY DELANEY is on the tele- 
phone, doing what he does 
best. “Mark!” he cries with 
his boundless enthusiasm. 
“What's up, bro? I bet you're 
still reeling from the inter- 
view. Dude, how great was 
that? I had my arm around 
Adrian Belew! How rad is 
that? Guy, again, don’t even 
sweat it, because it was a 
pleasure. I hope to see the 
band with you sometime. 
Next time they’re in New 
York, you'll have to come in 
апа we'll go.” 

, Delaney, 25, a college ra- 
dio promotion manager for 
Virgin Records, is just warm- 
ing up. Mark is not his real 
quarry on this call, and it's 
time to move on. "Throw 
John on the phone, man,” he 
says, and soon he's back to 


m 


PLAYBOY 


92 


unraveling his spiel. “What's going on, 
dude? Dude, the day you get back, I've 
got a new Loudon Wainwright record 
coming out. It ships on the ninth. And 
you're going to get the new Acetone 
record. Do you think your program di- 
rector will be weird about playing the 
Acetone? What? He resigned? Dude, 
you're making my day. You're still play- 
ing Blur, right? You're still smashing 
the hell out of that. I like talking to you, 
man. You make me feel good about all 
the other people I have to talk to." 

Delaney loves his job, but he bristles 
when he's reminded of what a natural 
he is. Take the way he vas courted by 
his bosses at the independent record 
promotion company whose clients he 
flogged while serving as music director 
at WSOL, the Seton Hall home of 
heavy metal. After he graduated, he 
got a job at Atlantic Records, and the 
folks at the promotion company tried 
to appeal to his vanity. "You're cut out 
for promotion," they told him. But to 
Delaney, that didn't ring right. "They 
should have said, "You've got a cool 
personality." 

This is a crucial distinction, because 
Delaney got his start in college radio, 
where the best efforts of label reps un- 
dermine the credibility their compa- 
nies crave. It's not cool to be cut out for 
promotion. Nobody can pinpoint the 
moment when college radio became 
huge. Was it back in the Eighties, when 
the commercial viability of R.E.M. and 
U2 was finally recognized? Was it in the 
early Nineties, when Nirvana busted 
off the college charts and sold millions 
of copies of Nevermind, paving the way 
for Pearl Jam and Soundgarden and 
Green Day? Was it more recently, after 
the Smashing Pumpkins' indie debut, 
Gish, sold 300,000 units on the strength 
of college airplay alone, and its follow- 
up, Siamese Dream, debuted at number 
one on the college charts on the way to 
its multiplatinum success? 

Or was it back in 1978, when Bobby 
Haber began publishing the College 
Media Journal out of the basement of 
his parents’ Long Island home? All 
Haber did was launch a chart, which 
has grown over the years to spotlight 
the top 200 albums and singles playing 
weekly on the college airwaves. Of the 
more than 1000 college radio stations 
in the country, about 500 report to 
СМ/ in any week. The CMJ charts have 
either created college radio or ruined 
it, depending оп your perspective. 

"Haber will probably tell you he's the 
reason for this college radio renais- 
sance," says Charles Slomovitz, 27, 
who, as national alternative director at 
Virgin, is Delaney's boss. “I think he's 
the reason college radio sucks today." 

When you have a major-label pro- 
motion guy accusing a trade-magazine 


publisher of ruining college radio, you 
know things have gotten a bit screwy in 
the land of antiradio radio. College 
used to be the place where you could 
tune in for a pure, anticommercial acs- 
thetic experience. Now it’s where big 
labels go to break baby bands, and you 
can never be sure what is being manip- 
ulated to get these bands on the air. 
Meanwhile, the various players in this 
process—label reps, trade editors, the 
college music directors themselves— 
run around screaming about how de- 
spicable it is that everyone else has 
defiled their virgin princess. 
° 


CMJ's computer weighs playlists ac- 
cording to a station's reach and influ- 
ence, then churns out the chart that 
lands on label executives' desks every 
week. "Before college radio reported 
to trade magazines, it was impossible to 
assess its impact," says Seana Baruth, 
college editor of Gavin, another radio 
industry trade weckly that also publish- 
es a college chart. "And because there 
was no way to assess the impact, there 
was no label interest." 

Now there is label interest. In recent 
years every major label has established 
its own college radio promotion de- 
partment. Reps call college music di- 
rectors to tout their latest CDs, arrange 
on-air interviews or live performances 
by their bands and coordinate student 
interns to paper campuses with post- 
ers, arrange coffee-shop performances 
and lobby the stations some more. 
“Тһе labels continue to invest more 
heavily in promoting to college radio, 
spending money in order to influence 
it,” according to Baruth. 

But for what? It's an article о faith in 
the music industry that college radio 
can't be counted on to move product. 

"As far as selling records goes, it's а 
joke,” says Errol Kolosine, director of 
radio at Caroline Records. "You can 
have a number one college record and 
sell a couple thousand copies." 

If college radio isnt selling records, 
why do labels bother to spend all this 
money? The more judicious promoters 
take refuge in the concept of "artist de- 
velopment,” by which college radio is 
supposedly suited to introducing a 
band quietly and bringing it along 
slowly, the foundation of a long career. 

That's the classic college radio con- 
cept, harking back to R.E.M. and U2. 
But it tends to be the exception rather 
than the rule. Since Nirvana set the 
standard, and since "alternative" rock 
went mainstream, record execs are 
morc and morc looking to college ra- 
dio to give new bandsa credibility infu- 
sion before liftoff. And in that game, 
chart numbers are paramount. A СМ/ 
number onc is a crucial bona fide on a 


baby band's tip sheet. 

"Ata marketing meeting or a promo- 
tion meeting at a label, part of what. 
they try to do is build a story for an 
artist,” says Gavin’s Baruth. "There 
have been plenty of instances recently 
where commercial stations have added 
а band or artist that they might not 
have added had that band or artist not. 
been a college radio mainstay. So col- 
lege radio, though it doesn't sell rec- 
ords as a rule, can be part of a story.” 

But what if college radio did sell 
records? What if a college station 
packed, say, a monstrous 100,000 watts 
of power, could be heard past the 
dorms into neighboring states? What if 
such a station played artists the way a 
commercial station does—25 times a 
week in heavy rotation? Imagine the la- 
bel pressure that would pummel the 
young music director at that station. 
Now meet Anni Banani, music director 
at this atypical college radio station, 
which happens to exist in the form of 
Georgia State's WRAS, in Atlanta. 

"WRAS is a huge station," says Sean 
Sullivan, head of college marketing at 
Sony Music. "It influences listeners and 
definitely sells records." And, probably 
just as important, it influences the 
charts. “If you had a record in the top. 
ten at that station and didn't have an- 
other station playing it, it might still 
show up in the CMJ top 200," says De- 
laney, who wrestled with WRAS's pow- 
er to hurt a record last summer. "I was 
working this band {тот England, the 
Verve. I had the band at number three 
on СМ] and number two on the Gavin 
chart. But the record didn't go to num- 
ber one because WRAS wasn't playing 
it. The station single-handedly cost me 
a number one record." 

То which Banani replies: tough shit. 
"We passed that Verve CD around to 
50 people, and nobody liked it," she 
says. "It isn’t a good record. 1 have the 
courage to say no. Major labels rely on 
us for their horse races. They want to 
keep a meal on their table. But that's 
not my job." 

Not long ago major labels could send 
a Verve CD or even a Smashing Pump- 
kins CD to WRAS and expect it to get 
played as a matter of course. That was 
before another 100,000-watt Atlanta 
station, WNNX (99X), changed its for- 
mat to commercial alternative and 
forced WRAS to rcevaluate its identity. 
“Suddenly we were in the shadow of the 
big commercial station," Banani says. 
“We were playing bands before it was, 
but it was going to play them eventual- 
ly." When Banani became music direc- 
tor, she pushed the station further away 
from music that might be commercially 
palatable. “Now 99X won't touch any- 
thing we're playing,” Banini says. 

(concluded on page 147) 


“It’s OK, С.В. She doesn't work here.” 


93 


Renegade ie m 


Cr... I'm home!" 


shouts Lorenzo Lamas, 
bursting through the 
door of his trailer and in- 
to the arms of his bride- 
to-be, Shauna Sand. 
"Darling," she replies, 
“you're filthy!” It’s true: 
Lamas has been brawling 
(or acting in a brawl) on 
the set of his TV series, 
Renegade, and he is a 
mess. But Miss May won't 
let a little grime stand be- 
tween her and her fiancé. 
She plants a smooch on 
his dirty cheek. 

“It’s like something out 
of a fairy tale,” says the 
blissful Shauna. “I feel 
like I'm flying over the 
whole world.” 

Theirs is a renegade 
kind of love. They met on 
the set of the syndicated 
drama last July, when 
Shauna was playing the 
role of a swimsuit model. 
“He asked if he could 
borrow my suntan lo- 
tion,” she recalls, “which 
was funny, because it was 
five р.м. and there wasn't 
any sun.” After an eight- 
week courtship, Lorenzo 
popped the question in 
New York—a proposal 
that included a four-carat 


Shauna on Lorenzo: "You 
know how you dream your 
whole life about finding the 
perfec! person? He is my 
dream person, my soul 
mate ond my best friend." 
Lorenzo on Shauna: "We 
were born for each other.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


Seeing the bride in her wedding gown before 
the ceremony may be bad luck for the groom, 
but it's serendipity for the rest of us. Shauna 


says Lorenzo actually encouraged her to pose 
in motrimonial garb: "We thought it would be 
а wonderful memory for us to hove—some- 
thing we could look back on when we're 80 
опа say, ‘Oh, whot we looked like back then!” 


^I wasn't nervous," says Miss May about posing cu naturel. "I feel comfortable without 
clothes. In fact, I'm so comfortable, опе day I may just walk out of the house naked.” If 
the price of real estate in Shauno’s neighborhood goes through the roof, you'll know why. 


{ 


diamond and a midnight cruise in a helicopter. They were 
hitched April 27 at the New York chapel where Laurence 
Olivier and Vivien Leigh were married. A reception fol- 
lowed at the home of Lorenzo's mother, actress Arlene Dahl. 

Miss May has always known what she wants. The San 


Diego native and modeling wunderkind turned pro at the 
age of nine. At 18 she packed herself off to France, where she 


earned a degree in international business management from 
the American University of Paris. 

Lately she's been striving "to put 100 percent into my act- 
ing." (She'll be featured again in a Renegade episode.) But 
she vows not to let her career affect their marriage. "We're 
not going to be apart," she says. "He's my priority." Ladies 
and gentlemen, behold the happy couple. —BOB DAILY 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


joa lern BA 
BIST: ->A DP WAIST: — A2 HIPS: >> _ 
HEIGHT: 2747 WEIGHT: IS 


BIRTH DATE: = 2- X| _ prrmuptace: Sas Diego, СА ааа — 
AMBITIONS: с=с ے‎ 25224 eating کے‎ 


MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE: 


MY FAVORITE DESSERT: Speeding Háagen- Dass Pralines 


5 ” 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Great 10 sec you, hon,” Louise said to her 
friend. "How's Dave?" 
"He'sin the hospital for а few weeks," Doris 


replied. “He was involved in a fender bender 
last night." 

"That's a long time for a minor accident," 
Louise "You've seen the doctor?" 


“No,” Doris said with a sigh, "I've seen the 
nurse." 


А couple in trouble sought the advice of a 
marriage counsclor. He tricd to help them, but 
after several months the situation seemed 
hopeless. "You understand that if you divorce, 
you must divide your property equally?" he 
asked. 

"Do you mean I have to give him half of the 
$10,000 I've saved?" the wife asked. 

*He ge $5000, you get $5000," the thera- 
pist sai 

"Well, what about the furniture? I paid for 
it," she said. 

“Your husband gets the bedroom and living 
room, Ps get the dining room and kitchen." 

"And what about the three children?" she 
challenged. 

"Hmm," he considered. "The only solu- 
tion," he finally said, "is to go home and соп- 
ceive another child. Then you take two chil- 
dren and your husband takes two." 

"Won't work," she said. “If I had depended 
on him, I wouldn't have the three I've got." 


Would you like to know a surefire way to 
drive your wife crazy? Don't talk in your sleep, 
just grin. 


А tourist stopped to read the inscription on a 
monument to the Unknown Soldier in a small 
town in Israel: HERE LIES SEYMOUR GLASSMAN, 
ACCOUNTANT. 

"Excuse me," the tourist asked a passing lo- 
cal, "but how could the Unknown Soldier have 
a name?" 

"Asa soldier Seymour was unknown," the Is- 
racli explained, "but as an accountant—he was 
notorious." 


This MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: 
There's good news and bad news from Inter- 
pol. The good news is that international ter- 
rorist Abu Nidal has been captured and is be- 
ing sent to the U.S. The bad news is he'll be 
tried in Los Angeles. 


Payor cusssic: The maid of honor took the 
new bride aside to offer some advice. “If you 
want an unforgettable wedding night,” she 
whispered, “get him to eat a dozen oysters 
tonight.” 

A week later, the woman called her newly 
married friend to ask if she had taken the sug- 
gestion. “Oh yes, Don ate all 12,” the bride 
replied. “But only nine worked." 


А rabbi and a priest accidentally walked into a 
gay bar to have a drink. Before long a young 
man approached the priest. “May I have the 
next dance?" he asked. 

"The priest was aghast, flustered and speech- 
less. He turned to the rabbi and mumbled, 
“Help me out of this. I'm so embarrassed.” 

"Ihe rabbi whispered into the gay man's ear 
and the young fellow immediately strode away. 
The priest sighed in relief. “Herb, thanks а 
million. What in the world did you tell him?" 

“That we're on our honeymoon." 


Have you ever had any accidents?" the insur- 
ance agent asked the cowboy. 

“Nope,” the wrangler replied, “though a 
bronc kicked in two of my aio year, a bull 
gored me a while back and I sprained my 
shoulder when my horse threw me." 

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?” 

“Naw. They did it on purpose.” 


А 96-year-old woman was resting in the nurs- 
ing home when a young female doctor came in 
to introduce herself. Mrs. Henderson wasted 
no time finding out that the attractive physi- 
cian had been married just six months. "Are 
you pregnant yet, honey?" the old lady asked. 

“My husband and I are very busy with our 
careers," the doctor patiently replied. "We 
don't have the time." 

"Time, schlime! I have 14 children, 35 
grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren and 
seven great-great-grandchildren," Mrs. Hen- 
derson said. "And the whole thing took only 15 


minutes." 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


"And what, may I ask, is so special about September?" 


107 


CHRISTOPHER ТШЕП 


from 
mick and jerry 
to ric and paulina, 
the big black book 
on star-crossed 
bloodlines 


THE SOCIAL 
HISTORY Ut 
RICH o HO 
fill 
SUPERMODELS 


THE ONLY THING a rock star likes more than a 
hot runaway single is a model girlfriend. And 
preferably one who hasn't yet been soiled by 
Motley Crue. These days, an internationally 
acknowledged beauty is a bigger indicator ОЁ 
success than a platinum record. In rock's ado- 
lescence, musicians seemed partial to the 
plentiful young groupies wearing feathered 
haircuts and Love's Baby Soft perfume. But. 
things began to change with the fashion and 
rock meeting ground of Studio 54. Now rock- 
ers have many ways of seducing supermodels: 
"They leave their phone numbers with book- 
ers, hire the models to appear in videos or 
show up as welcome guests at agency parties. 
"The fall and spring fashion shows are high 
points of the rutting season. The women on 
the runways seem to compete for the atten- 
tion of the male celebs in the audience, and 
vice versa. VH1 even celebrated the marriage 
of fashion and music with a lavish television 
special that emphasized videos, but the most 
significant connection between models and 
rockers has occurred (continued on page 112) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL 


бәсе 
өтебзее 


GROOVES ARE GROOVY 
AGAIN—HERE’S THE 
ULTIMATE PLAYER FOR 


YOUR PLATTERS 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


TURNTABLE COURTESY OF HOLM AUDIO, LISLE, ILLINOIS 


HAT GOES around comes 

around, and the sonic di- 

nosaur of the past dec- 

ade—the turntable—has 
survived the rage for CDs to be- 
come a status symbol among audio- 
philes. One reason, of course, is 
the good news that artists such 
as Pearl Jam and Smashing Pump- 
kins have their latest releases 
pressed on vinyl as well as on CD. 
(Pearl Jam’s latest album, Vitalogy, 
sold more than 70,000 copies in LP 
format.) Another reason is that 
many music critics believe that LPs 
sound warmer and richer than 
CDs. Plus, there's something about 
a turntable that's sexy. When 
Robert Redford woos Demi Moore 
in Indecent Proposal, he plays mood 
music on a VPI turntable. The one 
shown here—VPI’s TNT Series ПІ 
model, with a unique drive system 
that features an idler pulley sys- 
tem—revolves the platter without 
noise or vibration. You know how 
much that matters when you're 
cranking the volume, listening to 
Eddie Vedder belt out Go. 


= 


The stainless steel VPI TNT Series 
MI turntable is a work of art, both 
acoustically and aesthetically. All 
major structural parts are laminat- 
ed for greater resonance control. 
The unit features a 21-pound 
motor assembly with a high-inertia 
flywheel for smooth rotation. The 
Series III plays 45s in addition 

to LPs, and a 78 rpm adapter is 
available as an option. Pi 
$5000. Fitted on the turntable is a 
VPI JMW Memorial tonearm, 

which features a dampened 
unipivot with an adjustable track- 
ing angle ($2300), and a hand- 
made Symphonic Line RG8 gold 
phono cartridge ($5000). 


ГАЖ ЫШ 0177 


112 


ROCK STARS AND SUPERMODELS sud fom page 108 


Patti Hansen disappeared for days with Keith Rich- 
ards and later turned up gaunt and disheveled. 


below the waistline. Historically, heavy 
metal dudes have fared best, perhaps 
because they have so many things in 
common with runway babes—like 
makeup and curling irons. Dolce & 
Gabbana. And high heels. 


FIRST ENCOUNTERS 


Classiest encounter: Harry “Croon- 
er” Connick Jr. popped out of a hotel 
pool—just like in the Chanel commer- 
ciall—and chased down Victoria's Se- 
cret model Jill Goodacre. At the end of 
their first date, they shook hands. 

Costliest encounter: Tico Torres, 
low-profile drummer for Bon Jovi, was 
set up with Wonderbra babe Eva Her- 
zigova on а blind date that climaxed 
with Tico flying Eva over New York in 
his private Cessna. He said he then 
christened the plane after her. "Eva?" 
No—" Baby." 

Jet-settingest encounter: First, pro- 
ducer Quincy Jones sent Naomi Camp- 
bell, French Vogue's first black cover 
girl, a newspaper clipping in which 
U2's bass player, Adam Clayton, said 
that all he wanted in the world was a 
date with Naomi. Several months later, 
Campbell and Clayton met on a flight 
to Los Angeles. Word is that Adam 
charmed her—but not enough to keep 
her from her boyfriend, Eric Clapton. 

Slyest encounter: John Mellencamp 
met his bride-to-be, Victoria's Secret 
model Elaine Irwin, after she appeared 
in his Get a Leg Up video. 

Boldest encounter: Lauren Hutton 
picked up Sex Pistols impresario and 
Poland promoter Malcolm McLaren in 
a parking lot. 

Cheapest encounter: Photographer 
Herb Ritts, who already had fixed up 
Cindy Crawford with Richard Gere 
and Stephanie Seymour with Axl Rose, 
showed Michael Hutchence of INXS a 
video of Helena Christensen. They 
then called her at her Paris hotel. Kind 
of like ordering takeout? 

Sloppiest encounter: "Meeting Ric 
was a teen's wet dream," superlinguist 
Paulina Porizkova said in Cosmo about 
her husband Ric Ocasek of the Cars. 

Crassest denial: Despite reports 
during the Simpson trial that O.J.’s ex- 
girlfriend, Paula Barbieri, had stayed 
in a Las Vegas hotel as a guest of Mi- 
chael Bolton's, Bolton said һе wasn't 
dating her. He later said that he's 
"looking for more than a pretty face, 
something deeper." 


WHO THEY DUMPED 


In the sappiest love triangle of the 
Sixties, model Раш Boyd swapped 
George Harrison for Eric Clapton. 

Naomi Campbell, who can count Ed- 
die Murphy, Mike Tyson and Robert 
De Niro among her paramours, traded 
Eric “Slowhand” Clapton (or was it De 
Niro?) for Adam “Bassman” Clayton. 

Jerry Hall ditched Brian Ferry of 
Roxy Music for Mick Jagger. When 
Jagger later ran off with Italian super- 
minx Carla Bruni, Hall—who boosted 
Jagger from wife Bianca—called Bruni 
a husband-stealer. 

Not only did Keith Richards take 
over leadership of the Rolling Stones 
from Brian Jones, he also stole Jones’ 
girlfriend, model Anita Pallenberg. 

Pamela Anderson split from produc- 
er Jon Peters for Tommy Lee (her pre- 
vious romances included Bret Michaels 
of Poison). Tommy Lee dumped model 
Bobbie Brown (Brown had been mar- 
ried to Jani Lane of the big-hair group 
Warrant; she was hired for their semi- 
nal video, Cherry Pie). 

Guitar hero Jeff Beck dropped his 
wife of 16 years, Sixties mannequin 
Celia Hammond, for 18-year-old mod- 
el Julia Smith (who later dated the 
ubiquitous Eric Clapton). 

According to Model by Michael 
Gross, Axl Rose is а jealous guy. Axl, 
overwhelmed by fiancée Stephanie 
Seymour, made a veiled reference to 
her ex-boyfriend Warren Beatty when 
he ranted onstage about “an old man 
who loves to live vicariously through 
young people and suck up alll their life 
because he has none of his own.” 

Michael Hutchence, once described 
as having a bedpost with so many 
notches it looked like a totem pole, 
dumped Helena Christensen twice— 
once for a brief fling with Christy 
Turlington and more recently for 
femme fatale Paula Yates. Yates, a mi- 
nor TV celeb in England who once 
posed nude, left husband Bob Geldof 
of Boomtown Rats. Christensen, mean- 
while, has been hanging out with rival 
Brit bands Oasis and Blur. 


WHAT LOVE MADE THEM DO 


Eric Clapton's heartbreaking Layla 
was inspired by his apparently equal- 
ly heartbreaking romance with Patti 
Boyd. How he got the name Layla 
from Patti is what talent is all about. 

Billy Joel's lyrics for Uplown Girl are 
only partially redeemed by Christie 


Brinkley's prancing in the video. 

John Mellencamp put Elaine Irwin 
on the cover of his album Whenever We 
Wanted. She had his initials tattooed on 
her wrist. 

On U2's Zooropa Bono wrote Baly- 
face, a sensitive paean to a nameless 
video model. In an apparently unrelat- 
ed move, Christy Turlington later do- 
nated a pair of her panties to be placed 
under glass at a Dublin nightspot co- 
owned by Bono. Naomi Campbell, who 
(you may recall) was engaged to U2's 
Adam Clayton, also donated a presum- 
ably less-rare and less-valuable pair of 
her own. 

After discovering the joys of girl-girl 
love, Rachel Williams posed in the 
nude with the name of her sometime 
girlfriend, Brit singer Alice Temple, 
scrawled in lipstick across her chest. 

In Sweet Child о” Mine, Ах! Rose wrote 
these awesome lyrics for his girlfriend, 
Wilhemina model Erin Everly: “She's 
got eyes of the bluest skies as if they 
thought of rain/I hate to look into 
those eyes and see an ounce of pain." 
Everly, whose father, Don, was half of 
the Everly Brothers, eventually sued 
Rose for physical and emotional abuse 
(they were married in April 1990; the 
marriage was annulled in January 
1991). A few years later Stephanie Sey- 
mour, Axl’s new girlfriend, starred in 
the Guns n' Roses video for November 
Rain, which proved to be an equally 
fateful portent: She later accused him 
of beating her after a party. 

Gene Simmons of Kiss gave Shannon 
"Iweed, 1982 Playmate of the Year, a 
l6-carat diamond engagement ring 
nine years and two children after they. 
began dating. "He's probably one of 
the most intelligent, caring, consider- 
ate men alive, not to mention the sexi- 
est," she said. "He just oozes sex." 

Also, according to Model, Patti Han- 
sen disappeared for days after she met 
up with Keith Richards and—sur- 
prise—later turned up gaunt and 
disheveled. 


WHO DIDN'T MEASURE UP 


Alter being paired by Andy Warhol, 
Lou Reed broke up with model- 
turned-chanteusc-turned-junkie Nico. 
(Nico, who appeared in Fellini's La 
Dolce Vita, also featured Brian Jones, 
Jim Morrison and Jackson Browne on 
her greatest-hits list.) 

Eric Clapton split from Patti Boyd 
and Naomi Campbell. 

Keith Richards and Anita Pallenberg 
never made a video together. 

Aerosmith's Steven Tyler split from 
Playmate Bebe Buell, but not before 
siring nymphet Liv Tyler. Interestingly, 
sofi-rocker Todd Rundgren was initial- 
ly fingered as Liv's daddy. Liv's take оп 

(concluded on page 148) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
POMPEO POSAR 


teen went 
vom nam to 


a mak 


HIA MYERS can’t be- 
lieve the excitement her 
December 1968 pictorial 

still brings to her life. Hun- 
dreds of admirers line up for 
her autograph at public ap- 
pearances. She's been selected 
as the official Playmate of an 
online PLAYBOY fan club. And 
she has been cast in her first 
movie role in years, in a West- 
ern. "I'm twirling my six-shoot- 
she says, laughing. The 
Toledo, Ohio native now lives 
near Los Angeles with her teen- 
age son, who just recently 
learned of his mother's fame. 
"My centerfold was on the kitch- 
en table because I was auto- 
graphing it for a Vietnam vet,” 
nthia recalls. "My son asked, 
"Is that you? That's cool!’ Being 
a Playmate is cool, and it has 
been a special part of my life." 


Cynthia's awesome figure and 
smiling face inspired thousands of 
U.S. soldiers in Vietnam, many of 
whom kept her photo carefully 
folded in their pockets to remind 
them what they were fighting for. 


PLAYMATE 
REVISITED: 


Cynthia Myers 


Above left, Cynthio signs outogrophs ot lost year's Glamourcon, where she was (not surprisingly) the center of ottention. It all storied 
when Cynthio wos just 18 and left Toledo, Ohio for the Ployboy Monsion. "One minute | wos the homecoming queen ond the next I 
was sitting between Burt Loncoster and Adlai Stevenson ot o dinner party.” These days she loves sitting at her computer, surfing the Net. 
m trying to prove to my machine that I’m the broins of the operation,” she soys, "but sometimes it seems to hove o mind of its own." 


Т 


116 


TE FS FH Og! FA + T1I O m 
= mm = == 


A 


THE HOTEL WAS CROWDED WITH WOMEN TO 
CHOOSE FROM AND THE AUCTION WAS JUST BEGINNING. 


MY HEART WAS HAMMERING 


fiction by 
To Sja) Re aa E Erin el (el LS 


Dz неке were one hundred and seven of them, of all ages, 
shapes and sizes, from 25- and 30-year-olds in dresses 
that looked like they were made of Saran Wrap to a con- 
ple of big-beamed older types in pantsuits who could 
LJ have been somebody's mother—and I mean somebody 
grown, with a goatee beard and a job at McDonald's. 1 was there 
to meet them when they came off the plane from Los Angeles, 1 
and Peter Merchant, whose travel agency had arranged the 
whole weekend in partnership with a Beverly Hills concern. 
There were a couple other guys there too, eager beavers like J.J. 
Hotel, and the bad element, by which 1 mean Bud Withers 
specifically, who didn't want to cough up the 150 bucks for the 
buffet, the Malibu Beach party and the auction afterward. They 
were hoping for maybe a sniff of something gratis, but I was there 
to act as a sort of buffer and make sure that didn't happen. 

Peter was all smiles as we went up to the first of the ladies, Su- 
san Abrams, by her name tag, and started handing out corsages, 
one to a lady, and chiming out in chorus, "Welcome to Anchor- 
age, land of the grizzly and the truehearted man!" Well, it was 
pretty corny—it was Peter's idea, not mine—and I felt a little fool- 
ish with the first few (hard-looking women, divorcées for sure, 
maybe even legal secretaries or lawyers in the bargain), but when 
I saw this little one with eyes the color of glacial melt about six 
deep in the line, I really began to perk up. Her name tag was 
done in calligraphy, hand-lettered instead of computer-generat- 
ed like the rest of them, and that really tugged at me, the care 
that went into it. I gave her hand a squeeze and said, "Hi, Jordy, 
welcome to Alaska," when I gave her the corsage. 

She seemed a little dazed, and I chalked it up to the flight and 
the drinks and the general party atmosphere that must certainly 
have prevailed on that plane—107 single women on their way for 
the Labor Day weckend in a state that boasted two cligible men 
for every woman. But that wasn’t it at all. She'd hardly had a glass 
of Chablis, as it turned out. What I took to be confusion, lethar- 
gy, whatever, was just wonderment. As I was later to learn, she'd 
been drawn to the country all her life, had read and dreamed 
about it since she was a girl growing up in Altadena, California, 


ILLUSTRATION BY CHARLES BRAGG 


PLAYBOY 


118 


within sight of the Rose Bowl. She was 
bookish—an English teacher, in fact— 
and she had a new worked-leather 
high-grade edition of Wuthering Heights 
wedged under the arm that held her 
suitcase and traveling bag. 1 guessed 
her to be maybe late 20s, early 30s. 

“Thank you,” she said in this whis- 
pery little voice that made me feel 
about 13 years old all over again, and 
then she squinted those snowmelt eyes 
to take in my face and the spread of me 
(I should say I'm a big man, one of the 
biggest in the bush around Boynton, 
six-foot-five and 242 and not much of 
that gone yet to fat) and then she read 
my name off my name tag and added, 
in a deep-driving puff of that little 
floating wisp of a voice, "Ned." 

"Then she was gone, and it was the 
next woman in line (with a face like a 
topographic map and the grip of a 
lumberjack), and then the next, and 
the next, and all the while I'm wonder- 
ing how much Jordy's going to go for 
at the auction, and if $125, which is 
about all I'm prepared to spend, is go- 
ing to be enough. 


The girls—women, ladies, whatev- 
er—rested up at their hotel for a while 
and did their ablutions and ironed 
their outfits and put on their make- 
up, while Peter Merchant and Susan 
Abrams fluttered around making sure 
all the Іше details of the evening had 
been worked out. I sat at the bar drink- 
ing Mexican beer to get in the mood. 
I'd barely finished my first when I 
looked up and who did I see but J.]. 
and Bud with maybe half a dozen local 
types in tow, each of them looking as 
lean and hungry as a winter cat. Bud 
ignored me and started chatting up the 
Anchorage boys with his eternal line of 
bullshit about living off the land in his 
cabin in the bush outside Boynton— 
which was absolutely the purest undi- 
luted nonsense, as anybody who'd 
known him for more than half a 
minute could testify—but J.]. settled in 
beside me with a combination yodel 
and sigh and offered to buy me a 
drink, which I accepted. 

"Got one picked out?" he said, and 
he had this mocking grin on his face, as 
ifthe whole business of the Los Angeles 
contingent was a bad joke, though I 
knew that it was all an act and that he 
was as eager and sweetly optimistic as I 
was myself. 

The image of 107 women in their 
underwear suddenly flashed through 
my mind, and then I pictured Jordy in 
a black brassiere and matching panties, 
and I blushed and ducked my head 
and tried on an awkward little smile. 
"Yeah," I admitted. 

"I'll be damned if Mr. Confidence 


down there"—a gesture toward Bud, 
who was neck-deep in guano with the 
weekend outdoorsmen in their L.L. 
Bean outfits—" doesn't have one too. 
Says he's got her room number already 
апа told her he'll bid whatever it takes 
for a date with her, even if he has to dip 
into the family fortune." 

My laugh was a bitter, strangled 
thing. Bud was just out of jail, where 
he'd done six months on a criminal 
mischief charge for shooting out the 
windows in three cabins and the sunny 
side of my store on the main street— 
the only streer—in downtown Boyn- 
ton, population 170. He didn't have a 
pot to piss in, except what he got from 
the VA or welfare or whatever it was— 
it was hard to say, judging from the way 
he seemed to confuse fact and fiction. 
"That and the rattrap cabin he'd built 
on federal land along the Yukon River, 
and that was condemned. I didn't 
know what he'd done with his kid af- 
ter Linda left him, and I didn't want 
to guess. "How'd he even get here?" 
I asked. 

J.J. was a little man with a bald pate 
and a full snow-white beard, a widower 
and musician who cooked as mean a 
moose tritip with garlic and white 
gravy as any man who'd come into the 
country in the past ten years. He 
shrugged, set his beer mug down on 
the bar. "Same as you and me." 

I was incredulous. "You mean he 
drove? Where'd he get the car?" 

“All I knows he told me last week he 
had this buddy who was going to lend 
him a brand-new Toyota Land Cruiser 
for the weekend and that, further- 
more, he was planning on going home 
to Boynton with the second Mrs. With- 
ers, even if he did have to break down 
and shell out the one fifty for the party 
and all. It's an investment, he says, as if 
any woman would be crazy enough to 
go anyplace with him, let alone a cabin 
out in the hind end of nowhere." 

1 guess I was probably stultified with 
amazement at this point, and I couldn't 
really manage a response. I was just 
looking over the top of my beer at the 
back of Bud's head and his elbow rest- 
ing on the bar and then the necks of his 
boots as if 1 could catch a glimpse of the 
plastic feet he had stuffed in there. Га 
seen them once, those feet, when he 
first got back from the hospital and 
came round the store for a pint of 
something, already half-drunk and 
wearing a pair ofshorts under his coat, 
though it was minus 30 out. “Hey, 
Ned," he'd said to me in this really 
nasty, accusatory voice, "you see what 
you and the rest of them done to me?" 
He flipped open the coat to show his 
ankles and the straps and the plastic 
feet that were exactly like the pink 
molded feet of a mannequin in a de- 


partment store window. 

I was worried. I didn't want to let 
on to J.J., but I knew Bud, I knew 
how smooth he was—especially if 
you weren't forewarned—and 1 knew 
women found him attractive. I kept 
thinking, What if it’s Jordy he's after? 
Butthen I told myself the chances were 
pretty remote, what with 107 eager 
women to choose from, and even if it 
was—even if it was—there were still 
106 others, and one of them had to be 
for me. 

. 


Statistics: 

There were 32 women out of a pop- 
ulation of 170 in Boynton, all of them 
married and all of them invisible, even 
when they were sitting around the bar 
Irun in the back room of the store. Ау- 
erage winter temperature was minus 
12 and there vas a period of nearly two 
months when we hardly saw the sun. 
Add to that the fact that nearly every 
adult in Alaska hasa drinking problem, 
and you can imagine what life was like 
on the bad days. 

I was no exception to the rule. The 
winter was long, the nights were lonely 
and booze was a way to take the edge 
off the loneliness and the boredom that 
just slowed you down and slowed you 
down till you felt like you were barely 
alive. I was no drunk, don't get me 
wrong—nothing like Bud Withers, not 
even close—and I tried to keep a check 
on myself, going without even so much 
as a whiff of the stuff every other day at 
least and trying my best to keep a 
hopeful outlook. Which is why I left 
the bar after two beers to go back to Pe- 
ter's place and douse myself with after- 
shave, solidify the hair around my bald 
spot with a blast of hair spray and slip 
into the sports coat I'd last worn at 
Chiz Peltz’ funeral (he froze to death 
the same night Bud lost his feet, and I 
was the one who had to pry him away 
from the back door of the barroom in 
the morning; he was like a bronze stat- 
ue, huddled over the bottle with his 
parka pulled up over his head, and 
that was how we had to bury him, bot- 
tle and all). 

Then I made my way back through 
the roaring streets to the hotel and the 
ballroom that could have contained all 
of Boynton and everybody in it, feeling 
like an overawed freshman pressed up. 
against the wall at the weekly social. 
But I wasn't a freshman anymore, and 
this was no social. I was 34 years old 
and tired of living like a monk. I need- 
ed someone to talk to—a companion, a 
helpmate, a wife—and this was my best 
chance of finding one. 

As soon as I saw Jordy standing there 
by the hors d'oeuvre table, the other 

(continued on page 132) 


“I like it! It may not be very PC, but I like it!” 


SON ЕЕ 


ODES 


they're smart, 


they're beautiful, 

they make grown 

men weep. yes! 
W: KNOW them on a first- ” 

name basis—Cindy, Clau- 
dia, Elle. We know how much 
they make (a lot). We know how 
much they eat (tons, apparently, 
if we're to believe them). The 
only thing we don't know is 
exactly what they have to do with 
selling clothes. Yes, they're on 
television every night, saunter- 
ing down one runway or anoth- 
€r, but to us their outfits are just 
blurs. (Something with ostrich 
feathers, maybe? No, vinyl.) Of 
course, we remember the see- 
through stuff—but that's like re- 
membering nothing at all, right? 
What we love is how they gaze at 
us and how they casually reveal 
their wealth of banked curves. 
We shiver when they display 
their various points of view. 
Whether designers will admit it 
or not—go ahead, lower their 
rates—supermodels are bigger 
than their day jobs. They are 
bigger than everything but our 
imagination. Who cares about 
fashion? It only gets in the way. 


CINDY CRAWFORD 


She's the superpremium supermod- 
el. She left her MIY House of Style 
gig and divorced Richard Gere, 

all the while pursuing с new 

career in movies. A business unto 
herself, Cindy (left) definitely is not 
your typical faceless corporation. 


CLAUDIA SCHIFFER 


How big is the dorling of Düssel- 

dorf? Well, German Chancellor 
Helmut Kohl wanted to use Claudia 

(right) on billboards to support 

а single European currency. 

The catch? His advertising 
budget may be too small. 


; 


ANNA NICOLE SMITH 


Anna Nicole burst onto the 
scene as Playmate of the Year 
and as the Guess jeans model. 
Now, as one of the biggest 
names around, she's an 
on-call bombshell for 

movies and sitcoms. 


HELENA CHRISTENSEN 


Christensen is the quintessen- 
tial rock chick, an avid fan of 
music—and musicians. Before 
she won a Miss Denmark com- 
petition, she had backpacked 
around the world. These 
doys, she has traded in her 
Eurail pass for the Concorde. 


TYRA BANKS 


Tyro's interest rates have been ris- 
ing since her bikini-dod form ор- 
peored on the cover of Sports 
Illustrated's swimsuit issue. A true 
Nineties model, her preferred 
method of breaking up is via 
answering machine. 


125 


KATE М055 


АҺ, the tasty waifer: An active 
nightlife, a ramance with Johnny 
Depp and a collectian of phatos 
called The Kate Moss Bock dis- 
pelled the rumors of anorexia 
and established Mass as a 
truly adult wild child. 


127 


ESTELLE HALLYDAY 


France's top cover girl is the 
grande royale of models. 
Hallyday is the daughter-in- 
law of Johnny Hallyday, the 
French Elvis. Last year, she 
paraded through the pret-a- 
porter shows eight months 
pregnant. “I have good 
skin," she notes, “and 

1 like my breasts.” 


ы 


= 


=, 
E at 


ED 


CARLA BRUNI 


An intellectual supermodel, Bruni (obove) is also o polyglot from 
Haly. However, her linguistic gift has been overshadowed by her 
apparent knowledge of a more familior tongue—Mick Jagger's. 
She astounded Poris with her pink Chonel bikini top. 


PAULA BARBIERI 


Photographer Peter Beard billed her as the Face—then she met 
O.J. Unlike others involved in the circus of the century, 

Barbieri (below) didn't try to exploit the connection—o move 
thot earned high marks from Hollywood insiders. 


STEPHANIE SEYMOUR 


The sultriest Victoria's Secret model, Seymour recently married Peter Brant, the co-owni 
of Interview. In one of the most memorable quotes by a supermodel, she said, 
“Put clothes on me and I wouldn't look pretty anymore. I'd look sad.” 


PLAYBOY 


132 


MIN 


TINN пет 
MINATIDN BUST (continued from page 118) 


It was surprising how well Bud managed to do on 
plastic feet —if you didn't know, you'd never guess. 


106 women vanished from sight, and I 
knew I'd been fooling myself back 
there at the bar. She was the one, the 
only one, and my longing for her was a 
continuous ache that never let up from 
that moment on. She was with another 
woman, and they had their heads to- 
gether, talking, but I honestly couldn't 
have told you whether this other 
woman was tall or short, blonde, bru- 
nette or redhead: I saw Jordy and 
nothing more. "Hi," I said; the sports 
coat gouging at my underarms and 
clinging to my back like a living thing. 
"Remember me?" 

Sure she did. And she reached up to 
take hold of my hand and peck a little 
kiss into the outer fringe of my beard. 
The other woman—the invisible one— 
faded into the background before she 
could be introduced. 

1 found myself at a loss for what to 
say next. My hands felt big and cum- 
bersome, as if they'd just been stapled 
on as I came through the door, and the 
sports coat flapped its wings and dug 
its talons into my neck. I wanted a 
drink. Badly. 

"Would you like a drink?" Jordy 
whispered, fracturing the words into 
tiny little nuggets of meaning. She was 
holding a glass of white wine in one 
hand, and she was wearing a pair of big 
glittery dangling earrings that hung all 
the way down to the sculpted bones of 
her bare shoulders. 

1 let her lead me up to the long fold- 
ing table with the four bartenders hus- 
tling around on one side and all the 
women pressed up against the other 
while the raw-boned bush crazies did 
their best to talk them to death, and 
then I had a double scotch in my hand 
and felt better. "It's beautiful country," 
Isaid, toasting her, it, the ballroom and 
everything beyond with a clink of our 
glasses, "especially out my way, in 
Boynton. Peaceful, you know?" 

"Oh, I know,” she said, and for the 
first time I noticed a hint of something 
barely contained bubbling just below 
the surface of that smoky voice, "or at 
least I can imagine. I mean, from what 
I've read. That's in the Yukon water- 
shed, isn't it—Boynton?" 

“This was my cue and I was grateful 
for it. I went into a rambling five- 
minute oration on the geographic and 
geologic high points of the bush 
around Boynton, with sidelights on the 
local flora, fauna and human curiosi- 
ties, tactfully avoiding any reference to 


the sobering statistics that made me 
question what I was doing there my- 
self. It was a speech, all right, one that 
would have done any town booster 
proud. When I was through vith it, I 
saw that my glass was empty and that 
Jordy was squirming in her boots to get 
a word in edgewise. "Sorry," I said, 
dipping my head in apology, "I didn't 
mean to talk your ear off. It's just 
that"—and here I got ahead of myself, 
my tongue loosened by the seeping 
burn of the scotch—"we don't get to 
talk much to anybody new, unless we 
make the trek into Fairbanks, and 
that's pretty rare—and especially not 
to someone as good-looking, I mean, as 
attractive, as you." 

Jordy managed to flush prettily at 
the compliment, and then she was off. 
on a speech of her own, decrying the 
lack of the human dimension in city 
life, the constant fuss and hurry and 
hassle, the bad air, the polluted beach- 
es and—this really got my attention— 
the lack of men with old-fashioned val- 
ues, backbone and grit. When she 
delivered this last line—1 don't know if 
that's how she phrased it exactly, but 
that was the gist of it—she leveled those 
glaciated eyes at me and I felt like I 
could walk on water. 

We were standing in line at the buffet 
table when Bud Withers shuffled in. It 
was surprising how well he managed to 
do on those plastic feet—if you didn’t 
know what was wrong with him, you'd 
never guess. You could see something 
wasn't quite right—every step he took 
looked like a recovery, as if he'd just 
been shoved from behind—but as I say, 
it wasn't all that abnormal. Anyway, 1 
maneuvered myself between Jordy and 
his line of sight, hunkering over her 
like an eagle masking its kill, and went 
on with our conversation. She was curi- 
ous about life in Boynton, really obsess- 
ing over the smallest details, and I told 
her how much freedom you have out 
in the bush, how you can live your life 
the way you want, in tune with nature 
instead of shut up in some stucco box 
next to a shopping mall. “But what 
about you?" she said. "Aren't you stuck 
in your store?" 

“I get antsy, I just close the place 
down for a couple days." 

She looked shocked, or maybe skep- 
tical isa better word. "What about your 
customers?" 

1 shrugged to show her how casual 
everything was. “It's not like I run the 


store for the public welfare," 1 said, 
"and they do have the Nougat to drink 
at, Clarence Ford's place." (Actually, 
Clarence meant to call it the Nugget, 
but he's a terrible speller and 1 always 
go out of my way to give it a literal pro- 
nunciation just to irritate him.) "So 
anytime I want, dead of winter, whatev- 
er, ГЇЇ just hang out the GONE TRAPPIN 
sign, dig out my snowshoes and go off 
and run my trapline." 

Jordy seemed to consider this, the 
hair round her temples frizzing up. 
with the steam from the serving trays. 
"And what are you after," she said final- 
ly, “mink?” 

"Marten, lynx, fox, wolf.” The food 
was good (it ought to have been for 
what we were paying) and I heaped up. 
my plate, but not so much as to make 
her think I was a hog or anything. 
"There was a silence. I became aware of 
the music then, a Beach Boys song ren- 
dered live by a band from Juneau at 
the far end of the room. “With a fox," I 
said, and I didn't know whether she 
wanted to hear this or not, "you come 
up on him and he's caught by the foot 
and maybe he's tried to gnaw that foot 
off, and he's snarling like a chain saw. 
Well, what you do is, you just rap him 
across the snout with a stick, like 
this"—gesturing with my free hand— 
"and it knocks him right out. Like mag- 
ic. Then you just put a little pressure 
on his throat till he stops breathing and 
you get a nice clean fur, you knov what 
I mean?" 

I was worried she might be one of 
those animal liberation nuts who want 
to protect every last rat, tick and flea, 
but she didn't look bothered at all. In 
fact, her eyes seemed to get distant for 
a minute, then she bent over to dish up 
a healthy portion of the king crab and 
straightened up with a smile. "Just like 
the pioneers," she said. 

That was when Bud sniffed us out. 
He butted right in line, put a hand 
around Jordy’s waist and drew her to 
him for a kiss, full plate and all, which 
she had to hold out awkwardly away 
from her body or there would have 
been king crab and avocado salad all 
down the front of that silky black dress 
she was wearing. "Sorry I'm late, 
babe," Bud said, and he picked up a 
plate and began mounding it high with 
cold cuts and smoked salmon. 

Jordy turned to me then and I 
couldn't read her face, not at all, but of 
course I knew in that instant that Bud 
had got to her and, though the chances 
were 106 to one against it, she was the 
one who'd given him her room num- 
ber. I was dazed by the realization, and 
after I got over being dazed I felt the 
anger coming up in me like the foam 
in a loose can of beer. "Ned," Jordy 

(continued on page 152) 


183 


134 


RETRO IS COOL AND HOOTIE IS HOT, BUT RECORD 
SALES ARE FLAT AND THE LABEL HONCHOS WERE 
SHUFFLED LIKE A DECK OF CARDS. WHADDUP? 


AAA 


| HE BEATLES, Frank Sina- 
tra, the Eagles, Janis 
Joplin (singing Mer- 
cedes-Benz) and the Vil- 
lage People were some 
of the hot names in 


1995. While such nostalgia makes peo- 
ple feel good, what does it say about 
the health of the music business? 
Record sales were flat, and 1995 was 
a year of unprecedented hiring and 
firing at all the major labels. Proven 
acts—Michael Jackson, Bruce Spring- 
steen and Madonna—tanked on the 
charts. But upstarts such as Alanis 
Morissette, Live, Hootie & the Blowfish 
and Foo Fighters had socko years. Still, 
they can't carry a major label. In fact, 
major labels have struggled to find 
ways to compete with the indies, 
movies, tours, television, CD-ROMs 
and all the other options open to any- 
one with dollars to spend. 

A Billboard editorial on the industry 
infighting points out that "a cynical, 
hollow climate in the music business 
makes for the detached 'corporate 
rock’ mentality that the public disdains 
and intuitively rejects." So what did we 
embrace in 1995? 

Jimmy Page and Robert Plant re- 
turned to the concert stage, together 
for the first time in years, and filled up 
every place they played. H.O.R.D.E., 
with headliners Blues Traveler, the 
Black Crowes and the Dave Matthews 
Band, outhipped Lollapalooza. The 
Dead played its last shows, as Jerry 
Garcia's death brought an era to an 
end. Calling its tour Aneurysm 95, 
R.E.M. was on thc road in between 
hospital visits by most of the band. 

There was yet another British inva- 


sion. Bands such as Oasis, Bush, Su- 


pergrass, Blur, Elastica and Portishead 
conquered both fans and critics 

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and 
Museum finally opened, and those who 
came to sneer were pleasantly sur- 
prised. Our favorite story concerns a 
well-known rock critic who was taking 
a group on an informal tour. Rounding 
a corner, they came upon a lone man 
staring into an exhibit of vintage studio 
equipment. It was Sam Phillips, look- 
ing at the original stuff from the Sun 
studio. The group gathered around as 
he reminisced about recording Elvis, 
Jerry Lee, Johnny and Carl. Can you 
schmooze with Picasso at the Museum 
of Modern Art? 

Although controversy heated up 
again between rap artists, labels, politi- 
cians and the media, the music contin- 
ued to diversify. Listen to TLC, Coolio, 
R. Kelly, Jodeci, Monica, Method Man 
and Mary J. Blige and it becomes ap- 
parent that melody has been taking 
hold of rap. 

Swingin’ people celebrated Frank 
Sinatra's high-profile 80th birthday 
with television specials and boxed sets. 
But we think Wynton Marsalis’ four- 
part PBS special and all the CD reis- 
sues from master jazz musicians were 
the highlights of 1995. Then there 
were the youngsters—Joshua Redman, 
Wessell Anderson, Christian McBride, 
James Carter and Jacky Terrasson in 
particular—who brought audiences 
back into the clubs. 

"The biggest surprise in country was 
the rediscovery of bluegrass and Alison 
Krauss' success as its ambassador. And 
the big, full voice of Shania Twain on 
heralbum The Woman in Me made it the 
fastest-selling disc by a woman in coun- 
try music history. 


136 


oundtracks and music video 
continued the profitable 
marriage between record la- 
bels and movie companies. The video 


for Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise, 
from the film Dangerous Minds, 
combines the power of Coolio's 
rap with Michelle Pfeiffer's glam- 
our, a mixture that pushed it 
into heavy rotation on MTV. 
Weezer's video for Buddy Holly 
taps into nostalgia for the char- 
acters of Happy Days. Period 
soundtracks such as Pulp Fiction 
created a similar sentimental feel 
for movie audiences and record 
buyers. 

MTV’s weight sent the labels 
in new directions. The success of 
Unplugged (thanks to the Nir- 
vana session) sent artists such as 
Bob Dylan and Rod Stewart into 
their studios. Wasn't unplugged 
called acoustic in the old days? 

These moneymakers increase 
the bottom line, but don't erase 
the problem of artist develop- 
ment. Many new artists still end 


up onc-hit wonders while record labels 
search for the next big trend. The 
small, independent labels are more 


willing to nurture musicians. If an in- 


The Smoshing Pumpkins’ new CD, Mellan Collie ond the 
Infinite Sadness, debuted at number one. It disproved 
thase who predicted that the band couldn't do it again. 


die label sells 20,000 CDs, it has a hit. 
"Twenty thousand sales aren't even a 
Мір on the bigger screen. 

What other 1995 events gave us joy? 


The return of Al Green; Dylan, 
in top form with a tight band, 
singing with the Stones; the un- 
retired Patti Smith and (if only 
briefly) the Velvet Underground. 
Also, Robert Palmer's Rock and 
Foll: An Unruly History. Discover- 
ing Eddie Vedder on a club tour 
with Mike Watt and Dave Grohl's 
Foo Fighters. And finding Baby- 
face on all the hippest, smooth- 
est R&B this year, including 
his own. 

In keeping with the times, we 
put this year's readers’ poll on 
our Web page at the same time 
that the paper ballots were 
mailed. We weren't sure whether 
it would make a difference in the 
voting. It didn't. Our readers 
know what they like. Some of 
what they like, they liked before. 
Kind of retro, wouldn't you say? 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


Snoop Doggy Dogg and Tha Dogg Pound. 


When you buy a CD, you've been influenced—unwit- 
tingly or not—by an industry player, someone who 
made the moves to get the record to the store in the first. 
place. Here are the managers, programmers, DJs and 
A&R guys who consistently hit the right chords: 

Program Director Kevin Weatherly and DJ Rodney Bingen- 
heimer, KROQ Los Angeles: Weatherly does the playlist, 
while “Rodney on the ROQ" breaks new music. Bin- 
genheimer is known for having introduced an amazing 
array of artists, including Blondie, Van Halen and Nir- 
vana. KROQ's Xmas concert had sets by Alanis Moris- 
sette, Foo Fighters, Lenny Kravitz and Sonic Youth. 

Andy Schuon, MTV: As head of MTV's music depart- 
ment, he oversees two committees that make decisions 
by rough-and-tumble consensus. One group votes on 
which videos to air while the other monitors the world 
of available music. 

Suge Knight, chief executive, and Dr. Dre, producer, Death 
Row Records: Death Row's gangsta rap continues to loom 
large—even in the eyes of Congress. Time Warner 
dropped Death Row's distributor, Interscope (headed 
by Jimmy Iovine and Ted Field and home of Tupac 
Shakur), because Knight and Dre refused to muzzle 


Perry Farrell: He sold his stake in Lollapalooza, his 
showcase event, to the William Morris Agency. He is 
planning a new festival, which may be a traveling, all- 
night pajama party with various musicians. 

Tony Brown, president, MCA Nashville: Responsible for 
such country artists as Reba McEntire, George Strait, 
Steve Earle, Joe Ely and the Mavericks. 

Sheila Rogers and Zoe Friedman (Letterman), Barbera Libis 
(Leno) and James Pitt (O'Brien), music bookers: Competi- 
tion has made late-night TV a hot venue for unknowns 
who later turn up on radio and CD players. 

Tim Sommers, AER, Atlantic: He signed Hootie & the 
Blowfish. The band cut the record, and the rest is histo- 
ry—just check your rearview mirror. 

Honorable mentions: Cliff Burnstein and Peter 
Mensch at Q Prime (managers for Metallica, Veru- 
ca Salt, Smashing Pumpkins), Butch Vig (producer), 
Scott Hendricks (head of Capitol Nashville), KCRW- 
FM, Santa Monica (essential listening for label execu- 
tives), and artists who foster new acts: Garth Brooks, Ice 
Cube, Madonna, Sonic Youth, the Beastie Boys and 
Michael Stipe. —DEAN KUIPERS 


MuSic PoLL ReSutts . oun READERS SPEAK UP 


Concert of fhe Year 
THE GRATEFUL DEAD ALbumS Of the yer 


Rock 
CRACKED REAR VIEW 
HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH 

Country 


MuSic video THE WOMAN IN ME 
WATERFALLS - TLC AAA 


R&B 
CRAZYSEXYCOOL 
тіс 
Jazz 
DIS IS DA DRUM 


HERBIE HANCOCK 


DAISY FUENTES 
MTV 


The unexpected death of Jerry Garcia last August spelled the end of an era as well as 
the last show for the longest-running band in rock and roll. pLaysoy’s 1996 Hall of 
Fame winner was born in San Francisco on August 1, 1942 to a musician father and a 
mother who ran a bar. He took up the guitar at the age of 15 and became a virtuoso as 
well as the heart and soul of the Grateful Dead. Legions of Deadheads danced their 
way through three decades of tie-dye, macrobiotic rice and concerts saluting the im- 


provisational noodlings of Captain Trips and his cohorts. Garcia, who sneered at fame 


and who was superstitious about death, strangely enough made the Dead famous. 


1996 PLAybOy Music PoLL Winners 


Ө Sheryl Crow, Female Vocalist—Rock Ө Boyz Il Men, Group—R&B Ө Hootie & the Blowfish, 
Group—Rock Ө Garth Brooks, Male Vocalist—Country Ө Reba McEntire, Female 
133 Vocalist—Country Ө Kenny G, Instrumentalist—Jazz @ Anita Baker, Female Vocalist—Jazz 


Ө Harry Connick Jr., Male Vocalist—Jazz ©) Eric Clapton, Male Vocalist—Rock Ф) Seal, 
Male Vocalist —R&B @ Alabama, Group—Country (6) Vanessa Williams, Female 


Vocalist—R&B (® Manhattan Transfer, Group—Jazz — (D Carlos Santana, Instrumentalist—Rock 159 


PLAYBOY TV: MORE THAN YOU EVER IMAGINED 


Miss April Miss May 


fpa is an all-star month on Playboy TV, 
featuring a pair of exclusive world pre- 
miere movies. Playback pits George 
Hamilton and Tawny Kitaen in a plot of 
red-hot tape when their illicit home video 
falls into unscrupulous hands. Colleen 
McDermott and Robert Lee Jacobs star 
in Access Denied, as an innocent young 
woman unjustly sent to prison seeks 
seductive vengeance. Then, it's all in 
their genes for the sexy siblings in 
Playboy's Sisters, a sizzling exposé on 
family ties of the most beautiful kind. 
Plus, seven hot fantasies sear the screen 
in an all-new Private Liaisons, while 
Playboy's Really Naked Truth takes a 
risqué look at telemarketing. Twenty-four 
hours a day, it's electric entertainment 
the Playboy Way! 


E | 
SEX SECRETS 
OF A MISTRESS 


»-— 
— 
PLAYBOY 
кл vo 
Playboy TV is available from your local 
mm 1 ms Replays 8,13 ada operator or home satellite, 
LIVE April 17, Replays 20, 25 DirecTV or PrimeStar dealer. 


ALANIS MORISSETTE 16 c, Bien Deal 


BY CHARLES M. YOUNG 


SOMEONE comes out of left field every 
year in the music biz and sells several 
gazillion copies of a record to a market 
that didn't exist before. 
One year, it's the Beatles. 
Another year, it's Right 
Said Fred. In 1995, it was 
Alanis Morissette. This in- 
herent volatility makes the 
music biz an unreliable 
place to work. In no other 
business do you find con- 
sumers suddenly trying to 
read the meaning of their 
lives in the next big thing. 

You do find consumers 
of Morissette reading the 
meaning of their lives into 
her lyrics. I personally 
found those consumers this 
past summer during Moris- 
sette's first tour as a head- 
liner in small clubs. Her al- 
bum Jagged Little Pill 
zipped into the top ten just 
after the tour was booked. 
Every club she played 
looked like the Alamo, with 
her fans scaling the walls, 
pounding on the windows, 
assaulting security guards, 
offering bribes of monetary 
and bodily natures—all to 
get a message to Moris- 
sette. Once inside the clubs, 
those fans sang along 
throughout the show, but 
they especially joined in on 
You Oughta Know, a harrow- 
ing howl of rage about be- 
ing dumped for a more 
fabulous babe. Doing my 
own demographic research 
at shows in New York and 
Texas, I discovered that 
large numbers of young 
women are indeed thoroughly pissed 
off. And if you're a man, the song can 
induce a severe episode of manic de- 
pression. One second you're thinking, 
I'm ashamed of myself for following 
my dick around; the next second 
you're thinking, I don't exactly get 
cheerful when my significant other, in 
the throes of ecstasy, calls me Fabio. 
Maybe I should just forget Morissette is 
singing about a guy and just go with 
the sentiment. 

So both sexes can identify strongly 
with the song. This is partly because ra- 
dio and MTV have played it incessant- 


ly. But it also stems from Morissette's 
understanding of the panic behind the 
anger of sexual betrayal: "Did you for- 
get about me, Mr. Duplicity?/1 hate to 
bug you in the middle of dinner/It was 
а slap in the face how quickly I was re- 


placed/Are you thinking of me when 
you fuck her?" She's worried about be- 
ing forgotten, about being reduced to 
anonymity. It's the female echo of the 
male antihero in Kids, who is obsessed 
with deflowering girls on the theory 
that if he is their first, they will always 
remember him. 

“Гуе come to terms with the fact 
that, yeah, I think I'm good in bed,” 
Morissette told me. “But a lot of wom- 
en are good in bed, and some guys are 
going to forget about me. And thats 
fine." Then she paused. Then a sarcas- 
tic: “Yeah, right.” Then she laughed. 


Vast sums of money and the adula- 
tion of millions—I hope they compen- 
sate Morissette for the difficult sex life 
she'll endure for the rest of her career. 
Like Madonna, who owns her record 
label, she'll either have to find lovers 
with real low SAT scores or 
go to bed with guys who 
are so intimidated at the 
prospect of getting ripped 
in her next song that they 
will just lie there staring at 
the ceiling. 

“When I have sex with a 
guy now,” she said, "I wor- 
ry that if I scratch my nails 
on his back, he will think of 
You Oughta Know.” 

Her next big hit, I pre- 
dict, will be You Oughta Get a 
Stiffie. 

The other major prob- 
lem she'll have to contend 
with is that lots of people 
are hugely annoyed that 
a 21-year-old could write 
such good songs and sing 
them so well. As you may 
have noticed during 
MTV's Video Music Awards 
show, she hits the notes like 
a laser-guided bomb. All 
that emotion on key in one 
so young is too much for 
the envious to bear. They 
compare her to Tiffany and 
Debbie Gi 


Tiffany couldn't sing halfas 
well and couldn't write at 
all. And Debbie Gibson was 
managed by her mother. 
When Gibson tried to 
transform herself from the 
voice of virginal innocence 
) to the purr of leather har- 
ness-clad experience, she 
had all the credibility of 
Tipper Gore proclaiming 
her deep commitment to freedom of 
speech. Morissette has been running 
her own life since she was ten, when 
she took the money she made acting on 
Nickelodeon and financed her first sin- 
gle. With all that energy and willpow- 
er, she'll probably be Madonna's boss 
in another couple of years. And then 
maybe she'll provoke a constitutional 
crisis as the first Canadian citizen to 
run for president of the U.S. I'd vote 
for her just to hear the state of the 
union address. 


141 


16а 
417% 
n 
P 
PM 
ДЕ] 
юч 
19% 
ma 
9% 
E 

5% 
BD 


Wwa 
Ed 
12m 
їз 
n 
Ma 
oe 
и 
13% 
274 
35 
шш 
3m 
me 
Z^ 
139% 
ы] 
я 
n 
им 
10% 


BI 
7 Comec a 
Ma ConsEd 
Тм Сағ 
Zr ConsNG 
19% Conrat 
7% Cnstor 
n Constr 
6 CrP pE 
57 CP рін 
25 Coni 
юл Со) 
74 Conti 
iho СИНЮ 
4% Cnfinfo. 


abbie Кезі 


19 Cooper 
274, CoprTr 
$2 Сома 
$^ Corein 
34 Сотбі 
T» Сив 
Im CIF 
Pa Cairo 
КД 
Уз Craig 
тло Crane s 
4) CrayRs 
18 Стек з 
Ta Gi 

13% Cros! 
кул Crwnck 
12% СгузВа 
3 Со 
4v» Cufinet 
40% CumEn 
Sia Cycare 


194 DENY s 136 65 6 
ZMOPL 216 89 0 
Ta Ову 6 6T 14 
9 Omncs 20 8 51 
27% ОвғаСр 152 40 1» 
6 Danhrs 

$wOane Y 

16 Dar 

pep 


170 


10% 


12 


10% — 1а 


24^ 12% Gerbsc s. 
GerFd 
TET 


[sU 
n 90 
in 

E 


si 
120 
un 
Fa 
2510 


T» 
мш 
y^ 


т 
Ian 
їз 
Iba 
и» 

Sa 


[53 
15% + 
n+ 
ЗА 
Da + а 
17% 


2 +з 


IES 


тл МАСОМ 
P. МАВЕ 10е 
МСА в 
ме 
MDCÀ 20е 
мос do 
MDU 
MEI 
MIN n 
MMT 
MEM 
MGF n 
2 MEO n 
MGI Pri 
MGNU, 
MHI GI 
Аасті 
Malaysa п 1. 
Mancr 
Mirhan 
2 Mir pf 
мїн pf 
viManv! 
MAPCO 
Marcde 
Marion 
Marita 
мү 
Marriot 
ASIC 
a Msrhin s 
Mart 
Masco 
Mat 


Шах n 


Ta 

за 

We 

M3 20% 

VA 3" 
n an 

1201 u55% 
ns 0 


OO DOME As 


S tudents who worry they'll never use 

their college degree in the real world 
can take heart from the experience of Lou 
Dobbs. He majored in economics and wound 
up as anchor of CNN's “Moneyline,” the ca- 
ble network's evening financial news pro- 
gram. Dobbs claims to have made broadcast- 
ing his career choice because “it looked like a 
great deal of fun.” 

He began broadcasting in towns in the 
Southwest where the audience consisted of 
local residents he would meet after work in 
the grocery store. “They would tell you pre- 
cisely what they thought—or didn’t think— 
of your reporting,” he recalls. Dobbs insists 
that he occasionally refers to videotape as 
“film” to make certain he's still in touch with 
his generation of television broadcasters. 

Dobbs was working in Seattle in January 
1980 when CNN called and offered the “to- 
tally unknown anchor focusing primarily on 
business” a full-time financial news posi- 
tion. Dobbs was skeptical. He didn't have 
much faith in the network's future, but was 
swayed by Ted Turner's salesmanship. 

Although audiences for television finan- 
cial neus remain small compared with those 
of network news broadcasts, the number of 
viewers is rising. Some observers credit this 
lo a greater awareness of economic issues 
and to the popularity of mutual funds. Last 
year CNN announced it was going to beef 
up its business coverage by launching a new 
network. CNNEN, which programs 12 dai- 
ly hours of financial news, debuted in Janu- 
ary. Dobbs, who's also a CNN executive vice 

president, over- 


ENN MEI 
the financial — L5 шлш 
. h 
ringmaster of о мы 
cnn on the Dobbs says that 


he’s investing “a 
lot of Ted Tur- 
ner's money” to 
find out. 

Warren Kal- 
backer met with 
Dobbs before and 
after recent tap- 
ings of “Money- 


joys of a bull 
market, the 
pain of play- 
ing football 


for harvard line.” According 
to Kalbacker, 

and the day “Lou Dobbs the 
reporter did have 

ted turner plenty to say 
about the econo- 

broke down my, the stock 
" market and the 

and cried media. business. 


Lou Dobbs ihe 
Turner executive 
seemed especially 


PHOTOGRAPHY Bv OAVIO ROSE 


pleased about the year-end performance of 
another division. He reminded me, ‘My 
company won the World Series.” 


1. 


PLAYBOY: Can we date television busi- 
ness coverage from 1971, when NBC’s 
bow-tied Irving R. Levine began to re- 
port on economic topics? 

DOBBS: Around that time. Or really 
around the time of OPEC. Then you 
saw business news only when a petro- 
chemical plant blew up, when Wall 
Street defrauded investors or when 
OPEC decided to put the squeeze on 
the West in terms of oil prices and sup- 
ply. Ted Turner mandated business 
news on CNN. 1 didn't give this net- 
work much of a chance, but I thought 
it was worth doing. We put Moneyline 
on simultaneously with the network 
start-up in 1980. Much to our surprise 
and delight we had viewership. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: Mergers and layofis don't re- 
quire a whole lot of explanation. Sure- 
ly you're aware that people can tune in 
to Moneyline and discover their pink 
slips are on the way. 

poses: Absolutely true. For the past 
four and a half years I've been report- 
ing some bad news. Corporate layoffs 
are running at a pace very close to the 
recession of 1990-1991. Almost as 
troubling is that our political leaders 
haven't come up with any solutions 
about how to create an environment 
that has greater security and stability. 
Productivity is a great thing, but when 
it comes at the cost of questionable 
benefits and questionable savings for 
retirement, we have to figure outa way 
to do better. And that better way won't 
come from government or serendip- 
ity. It will ultimately come from the 
marketplace. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: Set the daily performance of 
the stock market in the larger context 
of American culture. 

poss: Now, with some 50 million peo- 
ple investing in the market indirectly 
through their mutual funds or 401(k)s, 
the market has personal relevancy as a 
barometer of net worth. But it also has 
an almost ritualistic, transcendent im- 
portance. It suggests that things are ei- 
ther going well or that there's reason 
for concern, fear or anxiety. The mar- 
ket becomes a talisman for where we 
are in our economy on a given day and 


perhaps where we are in terms of our 
material life. It suggests the broad- 
er condition of our lives. The Dow is 
great, honey, and so are you. 


eke 


PLAYBOY: Would you care to step out of 
your anchor's role and gaze into the 
crystal ball? 

DOBBS: One pitfall for a journalist who 
covers business is that you sometimes 
confuse being a journalist with being a 
market expert. But I'm definitely a 
bull. My sense is that this market will go 
higher. The economy is strong because 
of restructuring and the renewed pro- 
ductivity of our workforce. There's so 
much liquidity out there. There's little 
in the way of an alternative investment 
to equities right now. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: Financial journalists rely on 
dichés to describe stock-market action. 
Do you have a favorite? 

DOBBS: "Rallying" would be my fa- 
- My least favorite and the most 
confounding term is "profit taking." 
The damn stock got sold. Despite my 
absolute stricture, I find myself using it 
at least once every two weeks. It’s one 
of those expressions you just can't seem 
10 get away from. 


ten depicts a reporter talking outside 
a corporation's headquarters. What's 
your idca of a good visual in a field 
where dramatic pictures are few and 
far between? 

DOBBS: One of the most effective 30 
minutes of television I've ever seen was 
Ross Perot's performance in the 1992 
presidential campaign. He stood there 
with his flip charts, looking like the 
IBM salesman he once was, and made 
two 15-minute presentations, one on 
chickenman Bill Clinton and one on 
voodooman George Bush. My other fa- 
vorite business visual is the face of My- 
ron Kandel, when he gives us the per- 
spective of his 35 years of business 
journalism without the benefit of other 
pictures. 


Th 


PLAYBOY: Has anyone ever really ex- 
plained a derivative well? The treasur- 
ег who brought Orange County to 
bankruptcy by investing in derivatives 
might have benefited from a good 
definition. 


PLAYBOY 


poses: He may have explained the haz- 
ards of derivatives better than any of us. 
We haven't done a very good job, on 
television or in print. I suspect that's be- 
cause those who invented derivatives 
and trade them and seek your money for 
them don't want you to understand 
them too well. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Do you pride yourself on re- 
membering a huge number of ticker 
symbols? 

роввз: Not at all. Гус never understood 
the fascination for ticker symbols. Most 
of the tickers people watch on television 
or in a brokerage work with a 15-minute 
delay. They're for people who have noth- 
ing better to do. My advice is, Get a life. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: In October 1987 you covered 
the stock market crash. Are you plan- 
ning your coverage of the next big one? 
DOBBS: The question I will be asking is: 
"Isn't this the crash we said couldn't hap- 
pen again?" There are new safeguards 
and restraints on selling on downticks. 
But I recall vividly in 1987 that people 
said we could never have another crash 
like 1929 because the market was differ- 
ent, the economy was far more complex 
and there were safety nets for each insti- 
tution in the financial services industry. 
And the next thing I’m reporting is a 
508-point crash. If I had been clever 
enough to have anticipated that crash, 
we wouldn't be having this discussion. 
We had warnings from the "Tokyo mar- 
ket. So it didn't take a genius to suggest 
we set up live trucks outside the New 
York Stock Exchange the day we did. 
The second question I would ask is, 
"Why am I still working?" 


10. 


PLAYBOY: Japanese geishas verse them- 
selves in economic news in order to con- 


verse knowledgeably with their execu- 
tive clients. Is there a lesson there? 
DOBBS: I have never had the pleasure of 
an extended conversation with a geisha, 
but I'm told they are the epitome of 
social grace and carry on terrific conver- 
sations. That seems like a wonderful 
mixture. Commerce, like music, is an in- 
ternational language. 


11. 


PLAYBOY: Given the worldwide presence 
of CNN, entrepreneurs in former com- 
munist nations are tuning in. How does 
Moneyline play in countries that are new 
to capitalism? 

DOBBS: Apparently very well. The editors 
of a Russian business weekly even sug- 
gested to me that CNN was responsible 
for much ofthe changing attitudes about 
capitalism. I went by myself to what they 
call the commodity exchange in Moscow. 
The exchange was part electronic trans- 
fer, part open outcry, but altogether 
primitive, with the wares actually right 
in front of the seller. When I talk about 
commodities here, I mean commodities. 
Shirts, for example. A fellow walked up 
to me and said "Lou Dobbs, CNN." Be- 
cause 1 was the host of Moneyline and he 
assumed 1 had millions of dollars of dis- 
posable income, he wanted to sell me 
a Soviet transport aircraft. He had a 
brochure on this thing. It was priced 
at $5 million and he offered it to me 
for $1.6 million. A terrific discount. He 
couldn't understand my disinterest, 
which I explained to him was, first of all, 
economic. Forget that I had no use for it. 


12. 
PLAYBOY: You reported from the Middle 
East during the Gulf war. Do you com- 
pete for scoops with Peter Arnett? 
DOBBS: Peter is an old friend. And where 
there's shooting. 1 certainly don't want 
to infringe on his being there. I ended 


How Cops МАКЕ ice CREAM 


up in Kuwait and Iraq because I thought 
the Gulf war was about oil. Foolish me. 
My producer and crew, though we did 
not know it at the time, were the first 
Americans into the Port of Kuwait after 
the military secured it. We actually broke 
the story of the release of the hostages 
from Iraq. 1 had the distinction of being 
the first one into the Kuwait stock ex- 
change after the Iraqis. They had ab- 
solutely trashed the place. The Iraqis 
were resentful and jealous of everything 
the small Kuwaiti population had 
amassed. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Explain the transformation of 
some corporate chieftains from gray- 
suited managers into celebrities. 
DOBBS: It’s a phenomenon that’s oc- 
curred over the past 15 years, and it’s 
been concurrent with some great scan- 
dals. Beyond the Ivan Boeskys and the 
Martin Siegels and the Charles Keatings 
there are good guys such as Bob Allen at 
AT&T, Henry Kravis at KKR and Walt 
Wriston at Citibank. On balance it’s a 
healthy thing. I'd rather we look to the 
accomplishments of a Bill Gates than 
raise a rock star to celebrity for a week 
and a half. They both have a role, but 
the more enduring and substantial story 
is the business leader's. 


m 


PLAYBOY: You recently introduced a story 
about microbreweries as "something for 
ігеп ез and Generation Xers.” Did we 
detect a hint of a sneer in that intro? 
We've heard you managed to parlay 
your affinity for brew into a few extra 
dollars during your college days. 

DOBBS: I like some of the microbrewery 
beers tremendously. But the idea of their 
becoming fads? My story goes back to 
ancient history, when Coors wasn't avail- 
able in the East. It's a marketing story 
and it's also a story about a poor boy 
from Idaho compensating. Most of my 
classmates would go through about 20 
types of wine, which 1 never could com- 
prehend. But I was a gourmet in terms 
of Coors beer. 1 would bring back as 
many cases as I could in the backseat of 
my car and make $5 profit on each case. 
Great instruction about free markets and 
supply and demand, which I tried to fill 
as best I could for a couple of years. The 
American system does work, by God. I'm 
sure I spent the profits on more beer. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: You majored in economics in 
college. What drew Lou Dobbs to the 
dismal science? 

DOBBs: Га never been exposed to eco- 
nomics in my life until I got to Harvard. 
I went to a debate at MIT between Paul 
Samuelson and Milton Friedman. For 
me, Friedman was the first person to 


Nom... 


se your own credit cards and ger a 
20% cash-back rebate automatically. 
No embarrassing, discount card or 


coupons - no one will know you're saving 


money! 

Home or away, yov'll 
save at some of the 
best places in town. 


Save at over 4,500 participating 
restaurants nationwide, in and out of the city. 


Hundreds more are added every month. 
Choose from casual 


restaurants to fine 


dining, new finds го 


a ec old family favorites. 


Ас every participating restaurant your first 
visit each month guarantees you a 20% cash 
rebare - even on holidays and weekends! 


Register your credit cards* with Dining à 
la Card, then use them to pay for your meals. 
You ger 20% cash back on the entire tab for 
your entire gronp including beverages, tax and 
tip. Up to $120 cash back each meal! You 
don't do а thing - rebate checks are mailed 


directly co you every month. 


Enroll today and 
take advantage of 
а 60-day FREE trial 
membership. 


REGISTER ву PHONE TOLL FREE 24 Hours 


800-833-3463 45 


Give operator this 
Frec Trial code; 031-604-005 


TU 


Call now and start earning cash 


Get 2096 Lash Back 


Every TIME YOU EAT AT YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANTS 


rebates immediately. If you're nor 


satisfied, call within 6o days 


to cancel. You will not be 


charged and you keep 


any cash rebates 


you've earned 


Choose che card you want to 


register and charge the 34995 


annual registration 


e after your 


DAY FREE TRIAL: 


О American Express VISA 
U MasterCard 


2 Discover 


Litt | 


Ноте Phone ( — 


*You can register additional cards when you receive 


your membership materials sine 


ЕЛ 


Bus. Phone С 


Mail/Fax to: Dining à la Card - 200 N. Martingale Rd., Schaumburg, П. 60173 FAX 847-605-7149 


PLAYBOY 


draw the concept of the interdependen- 
cy of economic and political systems. 
Samuelson didn't do that. Friedman's 
books were much shorter, though they 
were dense. I was impressionable. And 
being a poor boy, the concept of money 
sounded interesting to me. The fact that 
I went into business journalism came 
down to one thing: I was one of the few 
reporters whose eyes didn't glaze over 
when I went to a budget hearing at the 
city council. Though that may be over- 
stating the case. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: Tell us a truc tale of Lou Dobbs, 
cub reporter. 

DOBBS: 1 was chasing drug dealers and 
murderers through the deserts in Ari- 
zona. 1 turned down jobs offering sub- 
stantially more money because 1 had so 
much fun following the DEA across the 
border into Mexico on raids with the fed- 
erales. Driving home one night 1 heard a 
call on my scanner for assistance in a cit- 
rus grove. I wheeled the car around and 
drove right into the middle of this 50- 
acre grove. A bleeding man stumbled to- 
ward me. J put him in the car and he 
said his buddies were also being at- 
tacked. I was confronted by a dozen so- 
called fruit tramps. I suddenly realized 1 
was in a bad situation. I was there before 
the police were. Just as they had me sur- 
rounded—two of them had knives—the 
sweetest voice in the world rang out, 
“Boys, this is the Yuma County sheriff's 
department, is there a problem?" 


17. 


PLAYBOY: Huge mergers continue to oc- 
cur in the media business. Will financial 


journalists be forced to pull their punch- 
es when they cover their corporate 
parents? 

pores: I don't think so, based on my ex- 
perience. I'd be glad to talk about Dis- 
ney taking over ABC. [Laughs] But with 
all these mergers, when you concentrate 
so much media and there are very few 
people—no matter how good and well- 
intentioned these people arc—bigness 
will still be power. There's no other way 
to describe it or to think about it. With 
that much power in the hands of a few 
there will be the potential for abuse. I’ve 
worked for Ted Turner for 15 and a half 
years and never once has he sought to 
shape coverage, to dictate coverage or to 
question coverage. So long as Ted Turn- 
er is here, I'm confident that will remain 
the case. The problem in talking about 
your boss is that there's always a danger 
of being obsequious, or, as we say in tele- 
vision terms, sucking up. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Would you care to suck up to 
Ted Turner in this space? 

DOBBS: Let me suck up. Some years ago 
Леа did an editorial on the movie Gan- 
dhi. He had done one previously on Taxi 
Driver. Now, the idea of an editorial from 
the chairman is not what we created 
CNN for. I finally made the decision and 
I told my wife, “Babe, I'm going to call 
Ted and tell him how I feel and how a lot 
of other people here feel. This vill prob- 
ably be my last week at the company." So 
I called him at the Plantation on a Friday 
night. I said, “Ted, I need to talk to you 
about these editorials of yours. This isn't 
what we're about. They're not appropri- 
ate." ] thought he might explode, but 


instead he invited me into his office 
Monday morning. So I walked in, fully 
expecting that Га simply had a week- 
end's forbearance on being fired. We 
talked for almost an hour about com- 
mentary and editorials. He sat there and 
listened. He didn't say that he wouldn't 
do it again, but he said hc'd think about 
it. And that was the last time he did it. 
That's my sucking-up tale. People never 
give Ted credit for being a listener. 
That's about as obsequious as I can get. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: When the merger between 
Time Warner and Turner Broadcasting 
was announced, Ted Turner appeared 
on Moneyline. Was he crying over all the 
money he stood to make from the deal? 

DOBBS: There may have been a little of 
that. He was crying. All of the countless 
hours that Ted had spent with invest- 
ment bankers and lawyers would be 
enough to make any of us cry. I think af- 
tera grueling day and taking a look back 
at his life, what he was doing hit him. 
Ted is an emotional man. Those were re- 
al tears. 1 started to say something to the 
viewers because they probably were able 
to see the tears. As I did, 1 choked up 
and decided this was a subject 1 wasn't 
going to approach until I could control 
myself. For many of us, CNN was our 
first opportunity to be journalists, and we 
put energy, blood, sweat, tears and egos 
into it. To sec it change was emotional. 

I patted Ted on the arms when those 
tears started to well up. I tried to lighten 
him up by telling him a Warren Buffett 
joke. I told him the last time Buffett was 
on Moneyline he was asked for a mike 
check and instead of the normal test, 
counting out "one, two, three,” without 
breaking expression Warren counted, 
“1 million, 2 million, 3 million.” Ted 
found it amusing, but apparently not 
amusing enough to hold back the tears. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: You played football at Harvard. 
Explain the Ivy League version of the 
sport to the rest of us. 

poses: I played not very well and not 
very long. My wife, who's a graduate of 
the University of Oregon, refers to Har- 
vard as a girl's football team, which I 
think is unkind. A fev years ago I took 
my number two son and some friends to 
а Harvard-Army game. At the end ofthe 
first quarter the score was, much to my 
surprise, 14-0, Harvard. J stood up and 
said in all seriousness, "Now we're leav- 
ing." I was trying to get my son interest- 
ed in Harvard. By halftime the score was 
28-28. By the end of the day it was Army 
56, Harvard 28. But 1 had my revenge 
last year because Oregon was drubbed 
by Penn State. 

E] 


RADI (0) U. (continued from page 92) 


“Send five CDs and a poster and you own Ihem. They 
don’t even realize they're being bought." 


The transformation of WRAS high- 
lights one of the great ironies of the 
relationship between college radio and 
major labels: The stations theoretically 
most important to a major label—the 
bigger stations in bigger cities, the sta- 
tions that Gavin has deemed most 
influential and that CM/ puts on its core 
chart—tend to be those most invested in 
their own independent, underground 
integrity. They are least susceptible to 
the blandishments of the promotion 
guys. Take, for instance, KFJC, at 
Foothill College near San Jose, whose 
signal reaches much of the Bay Arca. 
"We're into very experimental, unstruc- 
tured, unshackled sounds that tend to 
go on for a long time,” says Alan Lowe, 
the station's 36-year-old music director. 

Oddly enough, label reps love this 
stuff, even if it means they can't get their 
own music played on those stations. 
Partly it's because, at heart, they're col 
lege radio purists themselves, often re- 
cent refugees from thc music director 
ranks, and they just can't stand to see 
that purity defiled. “College radio has to 


learn to say no,” says Kolosine. Promo- 
tion people also love purist stations bc- 
cause they give college radio its credibil- 
ity. Meanwhile, they're happy to call on 
the 80 percent of college stations that 
aren't so closely guarding their virginity. 

“Those kids don't know what's hitting 
them,” Kolosine says. “For the majority 
of them, if you send five CDs and a 
poster and tell them you're going to take 
them out to dinner, you own them. They 
don't even realize they're being bought.” 
Every year, both Gavin and CMJ host 
conyentions, where major labels show- 
case their newest bands and treat college 
music directors to expensive dinners. At 
last fall's CMJ Music Marathon, three 
major labels rented a loft in New York. 
They brought in 20 kegs of beer and had 
jugglers, fire-eaters and bands. They 
called this event the Pukefest. 

Imagine the ambivalence this inspires 
among label reps who also fancy them- 
selves college radio purists. “College ra- 
dio uscd to develop careers naturally 
and effectively, creating a base for an 
“But it has veered 


off course because of the very beast that 
serves the records. Label bosses are in- 
terested in achieving high chart status 
and therefore put pressure on college 
reps to deliver higher numbers. That in 
turn puts pressure on a DJ's cho 
which results in less diversity a 
mediocre mainstream music getting 
played on college radio.” This from the 
man whose college promotion manager 
was last seen pushing the new Rolling 
Stones record to college music directors. 

Eventually, something will have to 
give in the relentless promotion of col- 
lege radio, before the major labels foul 
their own farm system and so thorough- 
ly water down its indie cred that the cyn- 
ic won't care who's charting on CMJ. 
Baruth believes the labels will be saved 
from this by the marketplace. 

"Labels have built these paper houses, 
because right now they re investing a lot 
of money and energy in a radio format 
that rarely sells records. They're seeing 
little actual financial return. As this alter- 
native explosion thing peaks and wanes, 
the labels are going to see that spending 
all this money on college radio isn't wise. 
And then things will wind down and go 
back to normal." And maybe then De- 
laney will go back to being just a guy 
with a cool personality, and Slomovitz 
will be able to sleep better at night. 


nd more 


Ginsana helps your body use oxygen better so you feel more alive. 


There's another "you" inside. A more energetic, lively you. Its time the two of you got reacquainted. 
Ginsana is the original, standardized ginseng supplement clinically shown to increase the body's 
oxygen uptake and make the most cf your natural, healthy energy Ginsana isnt a stimulant and 
contains no sugar or caffeine, So it works gradually. Safely. Feel good again. Feel your Ginsana. 


Feel Your Ginsana. The All-Natural Energizer" 


Jed by he Food and Drug Administration This producti not intended to dagrose, eat cue or prevent агу disease. Avatabe inthe уйат\г aisle. Read and folow abel instructions. 


детен preserie here have по been ev 
1 Bochner Ingohem Pharmaceulcas 


PLAYBOY 


148 


ROCH STARS ANO SUPERMODELS continue som poge 112) 


Any guy who tells you he didn't start playing guitar 
to get laid is a liar,” says John Mellencamp. 


the mix-up: "It was the Seventies.” 

Malcolm McLaren and Lauren Hut- 
ton's amorous relationship faded, as did 
their careers. 

Whether Ingrid Casares is actually a 
model and whether Madonna actually 
stole her from Sandra Bernhard are the 
subjects of speculation; Casares was re- 
cently seen cavorting nude with k.d. lang 
in a hotel pool. 

For the record, Madonna insists she 
never went out with protégé Nick Scot- 
ti—but you can call her other male mod- 
el friend, Johnny Zander, her ex. 

Mick Jagger dated and fell out with 
Pat Cleveland and Carla Bruni. 

Curly-locked headbanger David Cov- 
erdale of Whitesnake— perhaps upset at 
video vixen Tawny Kitaen's even larger. 
hair—split from her soon after their 
marriage. She recently appeared on 
Hercules opposite Kevin Sorbo, another 
dude who really knows how to blow-dry 
his hair. 

Billy Joe's uptown girl, Christie 
Brinkley, divorced him to marry— 
briefly—her downhill boy, skiing enthu- 
siast and real estate mini-mogul Rick 
‘Taubman. 

Rod Stewart, the supermodel roaster, 
had splits with Britt Ekland, Alana Stew- 
art and Kelly Emberg. 


Axl Rose and Stephanie Seymour had 
a vicious break to their engagement fol- 
lowing some fistfights. He sued her for 
the return of $100,000 worth of jewelry. 

Bill Wyman, who married teen Mandy 
Smith so young that she barely had her 
modeling career going, was divorced by 
her in 1992. Notably, Wyman's son dated 
Mandy's mom. 

Bruce Springsteen, perhaps sensing 
that his blue-collar image was tarnished 
by his marriage to model-turned-actress 
Julianne Phillips, split from her after de- 
veloping a bad case of Scialfa—as in 
backup singer Patti Scialfa. 

TAFKAP, that purple-paisley guy with 
no name, is certainly the sort of man 
who reads PLAYBOY. Three of his exes 
(Vanity, Kim Basinger and Playmate 
Devin De Vasquez) have appeared in the 
magazine. 


THE STATUS OF SEX SYMBOLS 


Keith Richards and Patti Hansen 
have settled into a sedate marriage. Hav- 
ing kicked his heroin habit, he says in 
Cosmo: “1 couldn't have made it without 
her I ain't letting the bitch go.” 

Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson got 
married twice; once in bathing suits on 
the beach, then at home in silver capes— 
don't ask. why. They are still together, 


“It beats me, Orville, but according to this 
ticket, you've got his seat!" 


still having sex in trailers on movie sets. 

Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach are 
alive and living well now that they've 
stopped making movies like Caveman. 

Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger are still to- 
gether, despite Carla Bruni's best efforts 
and the fact that Jerry gave up modeling 
for motherhood. 

Harry Connick Jr. married Jill Good- 
acre. John Mellencamp married Elaine 
Irwin. 

David Bowie and Iman joined forces 
in marriage and have hit every opening 
and party together. But they have yet to 
attain the type of status together that 
they once enjoyed separately. 

Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova are 
still speaking Vulcan to each other. 

Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue and Play- 
mate Brandi Brandt, a couple that pre- 
dates Pam and Tommy, are still at it. In 
1993 they posed nude in rravsov for a 
feature on tattoos. 

In a rare burst of deductive reasoning, 
Naomi Campbell announced on Irish 
TV, “Lam marrying an Irishman.” Logi- 
cal, but not prescient. She and fiancé 
Adam Clayton broke up for good in 
1994. Naomi has been seen with Sean 
Penn; Clayton has reportedly sworn off 
booze—and, we assume, supermodels. 

Eric Erlandson of Hole is sticking by 
Drew Barrymore no matter how many 
times she shucks her clothes. 

The saturnine 42-year-old Tico Torres 
is now engaged to marry 22-year-old 
Litvínovian lovely Eva Herzigova. 


LYRICAL QUOTES 


"When I met my husband, he teased 

me constantly, because he liked me!” 
—ELAINE IRWIN ON JOHN MELLENCAMP 

“Lalways had a fantasy about seducing 
Mr. Spock. I guess in my own weird way, 
I did." —PAULINA FORIZKOVA ON RIC OCASEK 

“I was the king of cock-rock, and I still 
am оп a good night.” —ROBERT PLANT 

“We don't get off with groupies when 
we're here. We only get off with super- 
models.” —ALEX JAMES, BASS PLAYER FOR 
BLUR, ON TOURING THE U.S. 

"When you're in a rock band, brag- 
ging about sexual conquests is like brag- 
ging about turning on the faucet and 
finding water" ^ —PAUL STANLEY OF KISS 

“Jill's smart. She never lets you know 
it, though.” — HARRY CONNICK JR. ON JILL 
GOODACRE 

“For the first time іп my life, Га rather 
have my dick cut off than be unfaith- 
ful."—ROD STEWART ON HIS MARRIAGE ТО 
RACHEL HUNTER 

“Any guy who tells you he didn't start. 
playing guitar to get laid is a liar.” 

JOHN MELLENCAMP 

“Rock stars want models because mod- 
els are beautiful, successful, incredibly 
naive and malleable. They believe every- 
thing the guy tells them." — kELLY EM- 
BERG, EX ОЕ ROD STEWART 


RAY BRADBURY (pue so 


I don't know what to do with dumb people, but we 
must try to educate them along with the sharp kids. 


the moon, my biggest hope is that L.A. 
will show the way for all of our cities to 
rebuild, because they've gone to hell and 
the crime rate has soared. When we can 
repopulate them, the crime rate will 
plunge. 

PLAYBOY: What will help? 

BRADBURY: We need enlightened corpo- 
rations to do it; they're the only ones 
who can. All the great malls have been 
built by corporate enterprises. We have 
to rebuild cities with the same conceptu- 
al flair that the great malls have. We can 
turn any bad section of town into a vi- 
brant new community. 

PLAYBOY: How do you convince corpo- 
rate leaders and bureaucrats that you 
have the right approach? 

BRADBURY: They listen because they 
know my track record. The center of 
downtown San Diego was nonexistent 
until a concept of mine, the Horton 
Plaza, was built right in the middle of 
bleakest skid row. Civilization returned 
to San Diego upon its completion. It be- 
came the center of a thriving communi- 
ty. And the Glendale Galleria, based on 


my concept, changed downtown Glen- 
dale when it was built nearly 25 years 
ago. So if I live another ten years— 
please, God!— I'll be around to witness a 
lot of this in Los Angeles and inspire the 
same thing in big cities throughout the 
country. 

PLAYBOY: You have said that you want to 
influence children. Is that your most im- 
portant audience? 

BRADBURY: І feel like I own all the kids in 
the world because, since Гуе never 
grown up myself, all my books are auto- 
matically for children. 

PLAYBOY: How does it feel to have an im- 
pact on children? 

BRADBURY: It's mutual delight and love 
made manifest. For one thing, kids love 
me because I write stories that tell them 
about their capacity for evil. I'm one of 
the few writers who lets you cleanse 
yourself that way. 

PLAYBOY: Would you say you're nostalgic 
for childhood? 

BRADBURY: Yeah. Once you let yourself. 
begin to be grown-up, you face a world 
full of problems you can't solve. The 


politicians and specialists—adults, all 
havea hard enough time trying to figure 
out where to look. It doesn't have to be 
that way. The greatest solutions in soci- 
ety are reached by corporate thinking, 
ruled by a motive to either make a profit 
or go out of business. There's great in- 
centive to strive for excellence. On the 
other hand, bloated bureaucracies like 
city governments don't have to make a 
profit—they just raise people's taxes 
when they need more money. If you 
want to get anything done, it should be 
through a corporation. Disney is a prime 
example. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't the Eighties—the decade 
of Wall Street junk-bond scandals and 
bankrupt banks—establish that cor- 
porate chiefs can be little more than 
thieves? 

BRADBURY: I'm talking about top-flight 
people like those at IBM, Apple, AT&T. 
If corporations don't take over the edu- 
cational system soon, we'll end up with 
all black-and-brown cities surrounded 
by white-flight small towns, which аге 
under construction even as we speak. 
You can't blame whites for getting the 
hell out. City governments have neglect- 
ed the biggest factor in our criminal en- 
vironment—education. Kindergarten. 
First grade. If we don't change those im- 
mediately, we'll raise another generation 
of empty-headed dummies. If you let 
boys grow up as that, when they reach 


ADVERTISEMENT. 


Small Company's New Golf Ball Flies Too 
Far; Could Obsolete Many Golf Courses 


Pro Hits 400-Yard Tee Shots During Test Round 
Want To Shoot An Eagle or Two ? 
By Mike Hensen 


YALESVILLE, CT — А small golf company in 
Connecticut has created a powerful, new ball that 
flies like a U-2, putts with the steady roll of a cue 
ball and bites the green on approach shots like a 
dropped cat. But don't look for it on weekend TV. 
Long hitting pros could make a joke out of some of 
golf's finest courses with it. One pro who tested the 
ball drove it 400 yards, reaching the green on all 
but the longest par-four's. Scientific tests by an 
independent lab using a hitting machine prove the 
ball out-distances ten major brands dramatically. 
The ball's extraordinary distance comes partly 
from a revolutionary new dimple design that keeps 
the ball aloft longer. But there's also a secret 
change in the core that makes it rise faster off the 
clubhead. Another change reduces air drag. The 
result is a ball that gains altitude quickly, then 
sails like a glider. None of the changes is noticeable 
in the ball itself. 
Despite this extraordinary performance, the com- 
pany has a problem. A spokesman put it this way: 
In golf you need endorsements and TV publicity. 
This is what gets you in the pro shops and stores 
where 95% of all golf products are sold. Unless the 
pros use your ball on TV, you're virtually locked out 


of these outlets. TV advertising is too expensive to 
uy on your own, at least for us. 

“Now, you've seen how far this ball can fly. Can 
you imagine a pro using it on TV and eagle-ing par- 
four's? He would turn the course into a par-three, 
and real men don't play par-three's. This new fly- 
power forces us to sell it without relying on pros or 
pro-shops. One way is to sell it direct from our 
plant. That way we can keep the name printed on 
the ball a secret that only a buyer would know. 
There's more to golf than tournaments, you know." 

Тһе company guarantees a golfer a prompt refund 
if the new ball doesn't cut five to ten strokes off his 
or her RIS score. Simply return the balls-new 
or used-to the address below. “No one else would 
dare do that," boasted the company's director. 

1f you would like an eagle or two, here's your best. 
chance yet. Write your name and address and “Code 
Name $” (the ball’s R&D name) on a piece of paper 
and send it along with a check (or your credit card 
number and expiration date) to National Golf 
Center (Dept. S-985), 60 Church Street, Yalesville, 
CT 06492. Or phone 800-285-3900 anytime. No P.O. 
boxes. One dozen “5” balls cost $24.95, two to five 
dozen are only $22.00 each, six dozen are only 
$109.00. You save $40.70 ordering six. Shipping and 
handling is only $4.00 no matter how large your 
order. Specify white or Hi-Vision yellow. 

Price good in U.S.A. ony. © Bost Enterprises, nc. 10% 


148 


PLAYBOY 


150 


the age of ten they're bored, drop out, 
take dope, rob stores, rape—all that good 
stuff. Our jails overflow with illiterates 
who have been ignored by our city lead- 
ers. Jails should be run as schools, where 
kids are taught the basics, instead of 
spending a billion dollars a day just to 
kcep them locked up. The government 
should stop sending schools money until 
they prove they аге teaching reading 
and writing. We should fire half the 
teachers right now. This is an emer- 
gency—we're raising a criminal culture 
in all races and every walk of life by not 
teaching kids how to read and write. 
That scares me more than anything, yet 
I don't hear anyone else talking about 
the primary grades—where our future 
lies. The corporations I mention are get- 
ting involved more and more in magnet 
school relationships with local schools. 
The reasoning is hardly utopian—it's ac- 
tually a selfish endeavor since they must 
educate the kids who grow up to be a 
part of their companies. 

PLAYBOY: A future when our children are 
taught to be useful employees of big 
companies? It sounds like a robotic race 
in some science fiction story. 

BRADBURY: You mean the way Japan- 
bashers portray that society? Listen, you 
can't turn really bright people into ro- 
bots. You can turn dumb people into ro- 
bots, but that's true in every society and 
system. 1 don't know what to do with 
dumb people, but we must try to educate 


them along with the sharp kids. You 
teach a kid to read and write by the sec- 
ond grade, and the rest will take care of. 
itself. To solve the drug problem, we 
have to start at the root—first grade. If a 
boy has all the toys in his head that read- 
ing can give him, and you hook him into 
science fiction, then you've got the fu- 
ture secured. 

PLAYBOY: How docs it feel to get older? 
BRADBURY: On my seventieth birthday, 
when I reflected that so many of my 
friends were dead or dying, it hit me that 
it was high time I got more work done. 
Ever since that time, I have done the ac- 
tive, smart thing by increasing my pro- 
ductivity. I'm not on the rocks or shoals 
yet, but the last few years have been a 
devastation of illnesses and deaths of 
many good friends. [Star Trek creator] 
Gene Roddenberry was a loss that 
deeply grieved me. 

PLAYBOY: How well did you know him? 
BRADBURY: Gene was an intimate friend. 
We'd been friends for many years when 
he asked me to write for Star Trek more 
than 95 years ago. But I've never had 
the ability to adapt other people's ideas 
into any sensible form. 

PLAYBOY: What did you think of Rodden- 
berry's final flourish, when NASA hon- 
ored his will's request and released his 
ashes into space on one of its missions? 
Sound tempting? 

BRADBURY: That was interesting. At one 
time, 1 had planned to have my ashes 


WARNING: 
THE FOLLOWING 
PROGRAM I5 FILLED 
WITH VIOLENCE 

AND SEX ! 


"Sounds like fun." 


put into a Campbell's tomato soup can 
and then have it planted оп Mars 
[Laughs] But in recent years, I have 
come to realize that I have a lot of fans 
and lovers out there. So I plan to design 
abig, long, flat gravestone that will be in- 
scribed with the names of my books and 
lots of dandelions, as a tribute to Dande- 
lion Wine, because so many people love 
it. At the bottom of the slab there will be 
a sign saying PLACE DANDELIONS HERE—I 
hope people will, so a living yellow 
meadow can bloom in the spring and 
summertime. 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe in God? 
BRADBURY: ! believe in Darwin and God 
together. It's all опе. It's all mysterious. 
Look at the universe. It's been here for- 
ever. It’s totally impossible. But, then, 
the size of the universe is impossible. It 
goes on forever, there's no end. That's 
impossible. We're impossible. And the 
fact that the sun gave birth to the plan- 
ets, and the planets cooled, and the rain 
fell and we came out of the oceans as an- 
imals. How come dead matter decided to 
come alive? It just did. There is no ex- 
planation. There's no theory. 

PLAYBOY: You almost sound like a funda- 
mentalist preacher. You say you believe 
in Darwinism, but you sometimes sound 
like a creationist. 

BRADBURY: Or a combination of both. Bc- 
cause nobody knows. Science and reli- 
gion have to go hand in hand with the 
mystery, because there's a certain point 
beyond which you say, "There are no an- 
swers." Why does the sun burn? We 
don't know. It just does—thar's the an- 
swer. Why were the planets created? We 
don't know. It happened. How come 
there's life on the earth? We don't know. 
It just happened. You accept that as a sci- 
entist and as a religious preacher. The 
scientist can teach us to survive by learn- 
ing more about how the body works, 
what discase is, how to cure ourselves 
and how to work on longevity. The 
preacher then says, “Don't forget to pay 
attention to the fact that you're alive." 
Just the mere fact, the glory of getting 
up every morning and looking at the 
sunrise or a good rainfall or whatever, 
and saying, “That's wonderful.” That's 
just wonderful. The Darwin theory can't 
be proved; it’s a theory. We think it 
is true. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think it's true? 
BRADBURY: Nobody knows. I can't give 
you an opinion about it. It's only a theo- 
ry, you see. 

PLAYBOY: Do you go to church? 
BRADBURY: No. I don't believe in the an- 
thropomorphic God. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think our souls live on 
or do we cezse to exist when we die? 
BRADBURY: Well, I have four daughters 
and eight grandchildren. My soul lives 
on in them. That's immortality. That's 
the only immortality I care about. 


NEWT GINGRICH | (continued rom page 78) 


Washington observers have never seen anything like 
the gusher of gelt now flowing to the Republicans. 


In theory, Gingrich believes in devolu- 
tion and the decentralization of power. 
In fact, the organizational changes he 
made in the House gave him an un- 
precedented degree of power: He has 
systematically broken down old inde- 
pendent centers of power, including the 
seniority system. Given that he's been in 
Congress for 18 years, his reluctance to 
push for realistic term limits, the Con- 
tract With America notwithstanding, is 
understandable. On campaign financ- 
ing, the root of the rot in American poli- 
tics (“You got to dance with them what 
brung ya"), Gingrich has not sought re- 
form but has cashed in. 

The most striking evidence of Ging- 
rich's allegiance to the old Washington 
concerns money. Baskets and buckets 
and trucks full of money. Majority Whip 
Tom Delay, a former bug exterminator 
from Fort Bend County, Texas, is now 
Gingrich's lead moneyman. He's known 


as “The Hammer” for his tactics. Of 


which subtlety is not one. DeLay grects 
lobbyists with reports that show how 
much the lobbyists or their PACs have 


contributed to Democrats in the past. 
The message is that it's time to switch. 
sides. One letter DeLay sent to PACs on 
behalf of a winning Republican candi- 
date's postelection fund-raiser said, “You 
now have the opportunity to work to- 
ward a positive future relationship. Your 
immediate support is personally impor- 
tant to me and the House Republican 
leadership team. 1 hope 1 can count on 
you being on the winning team." 

DeLay said: "We're just following the 
old adage of punish your enemies and 
reward your friends. We don't like to 
deal with people who are trying to kill 
the revolution. We know who they are. 
The word is out.” 

No one ever claimed the Democrats 
were simon-pure when in power, but 
veteran Washington observers agree 
they have never scen anything like the 
gold rush now taking place. The gusher 
of gelt now flowing to the Republi 
comes from those who want to cut tim- 
ber in protected forests, to drill for oil in 
environmentally sensitive areas, to get 
breaks on leasing or buying government 


land, to avoid taxes and to avoid regula- 
tions for health and safety. Subsidies and 
tax loopholes for corporations, called 
corporate welfare, remain sacred while 
AFDC may be chopped into pieces. This 
is che old Washington with a vengeance 

s not presiding over these 
ies without some signs of stress. 
He has gained what appears to be in the 
neighborhood of 30 pounds since he be- 
came Speaker, and his political touch is 
occasionally wildly faulty. The most no- 
table lapse was his juvenile snit about 
how “bizarre” it was that he had to exit 
by the back door of Air Force One after 
Yitzhak Rabin's funeral. Nor did shut- 
ting down the government prove to bea 
political plus for the Republicans. 

Ina now-famous speech given to col- 
lege Republicans in 1978, Gingrich ob- 
served, “One of the great problems in 
the Republican Party is that we don’t en- 
courage you to be nasty.” Or maybe not. 
The current nastiness of American poli- 
tics has many fathers—political consul- 
tants and negative campaign ads among 
them. But Newt Gingrich is a leading 
force in the nastification of politics. More 
and more studies show that the upshot 
of the polarization and meanness of con- 
temporary politics is that fewer and few- 
er people are willing to participate. And 
that is the death of democracy. 


mate Bahl ties 


here, so lets party!” 


\YBOY’S SUPER HOTLINE Jr rn LEERE апо по темн 
AA ms 


VOICE-MATES 


1 Call us Playmates and let's 
have fun trading private 
voice-mail messages! * 


= 
|WAKE-MATES _ 
| Make your reservation today 
1 and we Playmates will wake 

you anytime, day or night! 


1-800- 949- 60007 


MasterCard & Visa Only 


„CARMEN ELEGI 


“Then let me light up 
ре in a private jam se 
We'll share the music 
| night together!” 


PLAYBOY 


152 


IN шш 
(continued from page 132) 
murmured, "do you know Bud?" 

Bud gave me an ugly look, halfway be- 
tween a "fuck you” and a leer of tri- 
umph. I tried to keep my cool, for 
Jordy's sake. 

“Yeah,” was all I said. 

She led us to atable in back, right near 
the band—one of those long banquet- 
type tables—and Bud and I sat down on 
either side of her, jockeying for position. 
"Bud," she said as soon as we were set- 
tled, "and Ned," turning to meand then 
back to him again, “I’m sure you can 
both help me with this, and I really want. 
to know the truth because it's part and 
parcel of my whole romance with Alaska. 
and now I've read somewhere that it 
isn't true." She had to raise her voice to 
be heard over the strains of Little Deuce 
Coupe—this was the Malibu Beach party, 
after all, complete with a pile of sand in 
the corner and a 20-foot poster of Gid- 
get in a bikini—and we both leaned in to 
hear her better. “I want to know if you 
really have 72 different words for snow— 
in the Eskimo language, I mean." 

Bud didn't even give me a glance, just 
started in with his patented line of bull- 


shit: how he'd spent two years with the 
Inuit up around Point Barrow, chewing 
walrus hides with the old ladies and 
dodging polar bears, and how he felt 
that 72 was probably a low estimate. 
Then he fell into some dialect he must. 
have invented on the spot, all the while 
giving Jordy this big moony smile that 
made me want to puke, till I took her el- 
bow and she turned to me and the faux- 
Eskimo caught like a bone in his throat. 
“We call it termination dust,” I said. 

She lifted her eyebrows. Bud was on 
the other side of her, looking bored and 
greedy, shoveling up his food like a hy- 
perphagic bear. It was the first moment 
he'd shut his mouth since he'd butted in. 
"It's because of the road," I explained. 
“Мете at a two-lane gravel road that 
runs north from the Alaska Highway 
and dead-ends in Boynton." 

She was still waiting. The band fum- 
bled to the end of a song and the room 
suddenly came alive with the buzz of a 
hundred conversations. Bud glanced up 
from his food to shoot me a look of 
unadulterated hate. “Со on,” she said. 

I shrugged, toying with my fork. 
“That's it,” I said. "The first snow, the 
first good one, and it's all over till 
spring, the end, it's all she wrote. If 


“So much for your theory that he was geiting doum on his 
knees to ask for her hand in marriage!" 


you're in Boynton, you're going to stay 
there” 

"And if you're not?" she asked, some- 
thing satirical in her cyes as she tucked 
away a piece of crab with a tiny two- 
pronged fork. 

Bud answered for me. "You're not go- 
ing to make it." 

. 


The auction was for charity, all pro- 
ceeds to be divided equally among the 
Fur Trappers’ Retirement Home, the 
AIDS hospice and the Greater Anchor- 
age Foodbank. 1 had no objection to 
that—I was happy to do my part—but as 
I said, I was afraid somebody would out- 
bid me for a date with Jordy. Not that. 
the date was anything more than just 
that—a date—but it was a chance to 
spend the better part of the next day 
with the woman of your choice, and 
when you had only two and a half days. 
that was a big chunk of it. I'd talked with 
J.J. and some of the others, and they 
were all planning to bid on this woman 
or that and to take them out on a fishing 
boat or up in a Super Cub to see the 
glaciers east of town or even out into the 
bush to look over their cabins and their 
prospects. Nobody talked about sex— 
that would demean the spirit of the 
thing—but it was there, under the sur- 
face, like a burning promise. 

Тһе first woman went for $75. She was 
about 40 or so, and she looked like a 
nurse or dental technician, somebody 
who really knew her way around a bed- 
pan or saliva sucker. The rest of us stood 
around and watched while three men 
exercised their index fingers and the 
auctioneer (who else but Peter?) went 
back and forth between them with all 
sorts of comic asides until they'd reached 
their limit. “Going once, going twice,” he 
chimed, milking the moment for all it 
was worth, “sold to the man in the red 
hat.” I watched the guy, nobody I knew, 
an Anchorage type, as he mounted the 
three steps to the stage they'd set up by 
the sandpile, and I felt something stir in- 
side me when this dental technician of 
40 smiled like all the world was melüng 
and gave him a kiss right out of the last 
scene of a movie and the two of them 
went off hand in hand. My heart was 
hammering like a broken piston. I 
couldn't see Bud in the crowd, but I 
knew what his intentions were, and as 
I said, $125 was my limit. There was 
no way I was going past that, no mat- 
ter what. 

Jordy came up ninth. ‘Two or three of 
the women who preceded her were real- 
ly something to look at, secretaries prob- 
ably or cocktail waitresses, but Jordy eas- 
ily outclassed them. It wasn't only that 
she was educated, it was the way she held 
herself, the way she stepped up to the 
platform with a private little smile and 
let those unquenchable eyes roam over 
the crowd till they settled on me. I stood 


Sex Education 
For Me? 


Know-How is Still the Best Aphrodisia. | 
There's No Such Thing as a “Born Lover"! 
Sexual techniques must be learned. Even. 
konn ces ees ima antt 
from The Better Sex Video Seres. Itis 
for normal adults who want to enhance 
their sexual pleasure. Watch it with | 


someone you love. 
America's Best-selling Sex-Ed Videos. 
The Better Sex Video Series visually 


demonstrates and explains how 
everybody can enjoy better sex. 
Dr. Judy Seifer, one of the country's 
inost respected experts on sexuality, 
guides you through erotic scenes of explicit 
sexual practices including techniques for d 
(^ most enjoyable foreplay and intercourse. Order 
| The Better Sex videos today and take the first 


step to more enjoyment! 


FREE VIDEO OFFER: All orders will receive 
a free 24 minute video on oral sex and our new 
brochure filed with videos and other adult products 
designed to help you spice up your relationship. 

WARNING: Couples who watch these explicit videos 

@ together may become highly aroused. 


é SPECIAL OFFER 


_ Regularly $29.95 | 


ON NOW 
2% 51995 
T Rs -lengtb 90 Minute Vide 90 Minute Videos 
o COMPLETE Sexual Program 


FREE O. SEX VIDEO 


VIDEO. REGULARLY NOW ONLY TOTAL 
Vol. 1, Better Sex Techniques 9501 252985. $19.95 POI 
\ Vol. 2 Advanced Sex Techni теат 51955 Et 
| Nol. 3, Making Sex Fun =9504 SS $1995 е i 
The Хате Sc Save $10! 9506 pr z 


7 FREE 
Handling 5 400 
5 


1 The Erotic Guide To Oral Sex = 
VHS Format Ошу. 


TOTAL 


DVISA OMasterCard DAMEN Check Money Order | Sorry No Cash or CODE 
Make checks payahic 10 The Sinclair lett 


Cane Exp. date 
Name 


Address 
у 
яме р 


Mail 10: The Sindair Institute, Dept ВРВ21, PO Bax 8865, Chapel Hill, NC 27515. 


+} Expres delivery ovale. 


800-555-0888 


y Ext.8PB21 
з a Day/7 Days a Week 


PLAYBOY 


154 


a head taller than anyone else there, so 1 
guess it wasn't so hard to pick me out. I 
gave her a little wave, and then imme- 
diately regretted it because I'd tipped 
my hand. 

The first bid was $100 from some 
clown in a lumberjack shirt who looked 
as if he'd just been dragged out from un- 
der a bush somewhere. I swear there was 
lint in his hair. Or worse. Peter had said, 
“Who'll start us off here? Do I hear an 
opening bid?” and this guy stuck up his 
hand and said, “A hundred,” just like 
that. I was stunned. Bud I was prepared 
for, but this was something else altogeth- 
er. What was this guy thinking? A lum- 
berjack shirt and he was bidding on 
Jordy? It was all I could do to keep my- 
self from striding through the crowd 
and jerking the guy out of his boots like 
some weed along the roadside. But then 
another hand popped up just in front of 
me, and this guy must have been 60 if he 
was a day, the back of his neck all rutted 
and seamed, with piss-yellow hairs grow- 
ing out of his ears, and he spoke up just 
as casually as if he were ordering a drink 
at the bar: “One twenty.” I was in a pan- 
ic, beset on all sides, and I felt my tongue 
thickening in my throat as I threw up my 
arm. “One” I gasped. “One twenty- 
five!” Then it was Bud's turn. I heard 
him before I saw him, slouching there in 
the second row, right up near the stage. 
He didn't cven bother raising his hand. 
“One fifty,” he said, and right away the 
old bird in front of me croaked out, 
“One seventy-five.” I was in a great 
sweat, wringing my hands till I thought 
the left would crush the right and vice 
versa, the sports coat digging into me 
like a hair shirt, like a straitjacket, too 
small under the arms and across the 
shoulders. One twenty-five was my limit, 
absolutely and unconditionally, and 
even then I'd be straining to pay for the 
date itself, but 1 felt my arm jerking up 
asi 


t were attached to a wire. "One sev- 
enty-six!” I shouted, and everybody in 
the room turned around to stare at me. 


I heard a laugh from the front, a dirty 
sniggering little stab of a laugh that shot 
hot lava through my veins, Bud’s laugh, 
Bud's mocking hateful naysaying laugh, 
and then Bud's voice crashed through 
the wall of wonder surrounding my bid 
and pronounced my doom. "Two hun- 
dred and fifty dollars," he said, and I 
stood there stupefied as Peter called out, 
“Going once, going twice,” and slammed 
down the gavel. 

I don't remember what happened 
next, but I turned away before Bud 
could shuffie up to the stage and take 
Jordy in his arms and receive the public 
kiss that was meant for me, turned away 
and staggered toward the bar like a gut- 
shot deer. I try to control my temper, I 
really do—I know it's a failing of mine— 
but I guess I must have gotten a little 
rough with these two L.L. Bean types 
who were blocking my access to the 
scotch. Nothing outrageous, nothing 
more than letting them know in no un- 
certain terms that they were in my path 
and that if they liked the way their arms 
fit in their sockets they'd dance on out of 
there like the sugarplum fairy and her 
court, but still I regretted it. 

Nothing else that night rings too clear, 
not after Jordy went to Bud for the sake 
of mere money, but I kept thinking, over 
and over, as if a splinter were implanted 
in my brain, How in Christ's name did that 
unemployed son of a bitch come up with two 
hundred and fifty bucks? 


I rang Jordy's room first thing in the 
morning (yes, there was that, at least: 
She'd given me her room number, too, 
but now I wondered if she weren't just 
playing mind games). There was no an- 
swer, and that told me something I 
didn’t want to know. I inquired at the 
desk and the clerk said she'd checked 
out the night before, and I must have 
had a look on my face because he volun- 
teered that he didn't know where she'd 
gone. It was then that the invisible 


“I sure wish I had a Sony Slitherman." 


woman from the cocktail party materi 
ized out of nowhere, visible suddenly in 
a puke-green running suit, with greasy 
hair and a face all pitted and naked with- 
out a hint of makeup. "You looking for 
Jordy?" she said, and maybe she recog- 
nized me. 

The drumming in my chest suddenly 
slowed. I felt ashamed of myself. Felt 
awkward and out of place, my head 
windy and cavernous from all that sor- 
rowful scotch. “Yes,” 1 admitted. 

She took pity on me then and told me 
the truth. "She went to some little town 
with that guy from the auction last night. 
Said she would be back for the plane 
Monday." 

Ten minutes later I was in my Chevy 
half-ton, tooling up the highway for 
Fairbanks and the gravel road to Boyn- 
ton. I felt an urgency bordering on the 
manic and my foot was like a cement 
block on the accelerator, because once 
Bud got to Boynton I knew what he was 
going to do. He'd ditch the car, which I 
wouldn't doubt he'd borrowed without 
the legitimate owner's consent, whoever 
that might be, and then he'd load up his 
canoe with supplies and Jordy and run. 
down the river for his trespasser’s cabin. 
And if that happened, Jordy wouldn't be 
making any plane. Not on Monday. May- 
be not ever. 

I tried to think about Jordy and how I 
was going to rescue her from all that and 
how grateful she'd be once she realized 
what kind of person she was dealing with 
in Bud and what his designs were, but 
every time I summoned her face, Bud's 
rose up out of some dark hole in my con- 
sciousness to blot it out. I saw him sitti 
at the bar the night he lost his feet, 
ting there drinking steadily though Га 
eighty-sixed him three times over the 
course of the past year and three times 
relented. He was on a tear, drinking with 
Chiz Peltz and this Indian I'd never laid 
eyes on before who daimed to be a full- 
blooded Flathead from Mont 
January, a few days after New 
it was maybe two o'clock in the afternoon 
and dark beyond the windows. I was 
drinking too—tending bar, but helping 
myself to the scotch—because it was one 
of those days when time has no meaning 
and your life drags like it has brakes on 
it, There were maybe eight other people 
in the place, Ronnie Perrault and his 
wife, Louise, Roy Treadwell, who ser- 
vices snow machines and sells cordwood, 
Richie Oliver and some others—I don't 
know where J.J. was that day, playing 
solitaire in his cabin, I guess, staring at 
the walls, who knows? 

Anyway, Bud was on a tear and started. 
using language I don't tolerate in the 
bar, not any time, and especially not 
when ladies are present, and 1 told him 
to can it and things got nasty. The up- 
shot was that 1 had to pin the Indian by 
his throat to the back wall and rip Bud's 
parka half off him before I persuaded 


the three of them to finish up their 
drinking over at the Nougat, which is 
where they went, looking ugly. Clarence 
Ford put up with them till around seven 
or so, and then he kicked them out and 
barred the door and they sat in Chiz 
Peltz’ car with the engine running and 
the heater on full, passing a bottle back 
and forth till I don't know what hour. Of 
course, the car eventually ran out of gas 
with the three of them passed out like 
zombies, and the overnight temperature 
went down to something like minus 60, 
and, as I said, Chiz didn't make it, and 
how he wound up outside my place I'll 
never know. We helicoptered Bud to the 
hospital in Fairbanks, but they couldn't 
save his feet. The Indian—I've never 
scen him since—just seemed to shake it 
off with the aid ofa dozen cups of coffee 
laced with free bourbon at the Nougat. 

Bud never forgave me nor Clarence 
nor anybody else in town. He was a sore- 
head and griper of the first degree, the 
sort of person who blames all his mis- 
eries on everybody but himself, and now 
he had Jordy, this sweet dreamy English 
teacher who probably thought Alaska 
was all Northern Exposure and charmingly 
eccentric people saying witty things to 
oneanother. I knew Bud. I knew how he 
would have portrayed that ratty illegal 
tumbledown cabin to her and how hc 
would have told her it was just a hop, 
skip and jump down the river and not 
the 12 miles it actually was—and what 
wasshe going to do when she found out? 
Catch a cab? These were my thoughts as 
І passed through Fairbanks, headed out 
the Alaska Highway and finally turned 
north for Boynton. It was late in the af- 
ternoon and | still had 180 miles of grav- 
сі road to traverse before 1 would even 
hit Boynton, let alone catch up with 
Bud. I could only hope he'd stopped off 
at the Nougat for his usual fix of vodka, 
but the chances of that were slim because 
he'd want to hustle Jordy down the river 
before she got a good idca of who hc was 
and what was going on. And that was an- 
other thing: I just didn't understand her. 
Just didn't. He put in the highest bid 
and she was a good sport, OK—but to 
drive all night with that slime? To put up 
with his bullshit for all those crippling 
hours, maybe even fall for it? Poor Jordy. 
Poor, poor Jordy. 

I pulled into Boynton in record time, 
foot to the floor all the way, and skidded 
10 a halt in the gravel lot out front of my 
store. There were only three other cars 
there, each as familiar as my own, and 
Ronnie Perrault, who Га asked to help 
out for the weekend, was presiding over. 
a very quiet bar (half the men in town 
had gone to Anchorage for the big event, 
thanks to Peter and his unflagging sales- 
manship). “Ronnie,” I said, coming into 
the bar to the strains of Lyle Lovett 
singing Mack the Knife like he was half- 
dead, "you seen Bud?" 

Ronnie was hunched lovingly over a 


LEARN Ile) 


ШАП TRANSPLANTS 
CAN IHELP YOU 


7 Patient P.H: Before 
- and After 1745 


grafts in one NHI 
Fast Trock“ session. 


ERU he New Hair Institute (NHI), pioneer of the 

} Fast Track technique of hair transplantation, 

P can transplant thousands of individual grafts in a 
single session. This means we can perform a complete 
restoration in only one or two office procedures. 
Today, we do as many as 3900 grafts per session. 


At NHI, we are proud of the work we do and the 
innovations we haye introduced to the hair transplant 


field. We believe you have a right to ask questions, to 
see real patient results, and most importantly, to be given 
a realistic assessment of what you can expect from a hair 
| transplant procedure. 


Call to receive our free informative books and video or 
to schedule a complimentary physician consultation at 
any of our locations nationwide. Learn how the New 
Hair Institute can help solve your hair loss problem. 


“Minimum of 400 grafis, Fees vary with quantity. 


= 1 New Hair Institute 


| Professional services provided Бу 
Y New Hair Institute Medical Groups 


PLAYBOY 


156 


MEN: BE 
TALLER!! 


Tired of being shori? Our quality leather 
footwear has a hidden heightincreasing inner- 
mold inside the shoe. NO OVERSIZED HEELS! Look 
like ordinary shoes. Will moke you up to 
37TALLER, depending on the style. Over 100 styles 
о choose from including dress shoes, boots, 
sport shoes ond casvols. Extremely comfortable 
Sizes: 5-12. Widths: BEEE. In business over 55 
(СК GUARANTEE. Coll or write 
FREE color catalog, 


ELEVATORS” |l 
RICHLEE SHOE CO., DEPT. PB65 
РО. BOX 3566, FREDERICK, MD 21705 


1-800-290-TÄLL(8255) 


© Cigar 
Lovens! 


Join our ever growing family 
of over 2000 International 
Cigar Club Members. Receive 
4 - 6 premium handrolled 
cigars from around the world 
every month, along with our 
informative newsletter - all 
for only $10.95 per month 
(- S&H). Members also re- 
ceive special discounts on all 
cigars accesories!! 


lidere Ca CON 
1800-729-9717 


cigarette and Myers's and Coke, holding 
hands with Louise. He was wearing a 
Seattle Mariners cap backward and his 
eyes were distant, the eyes of a man in 
rum nirvana. Howard Walpole, 70 years 
old and with a bad back and runny суез, 
was at the far end of the bar, and Roy 
Treadwell and Richie Oliver were play- 
ing cards at the table by the stove. Ron- 
nie was slow, barely flowing, like the 
grenadine in the back pantry that hard- 
ly gets any heat. 71 thought," he said, 
chewing over the words, “I thought you 
wasn't going to be back till Tuesday." 

“Hey, Neddy,” Richie shouted, squeez- 
ing out the diminutive until it was like a 
screech, “how many you bring back?” 

“Bud,” I repeated, addressing the 
room at large. “Anybody seen Bud?” 

Well, they had to think about that 
They were all pretty hazy—while the 
cat's away the mice will play—but it was 
Howard who came out of it first. “Sure, 
he said, "I seen him," and he leaned so 
far forward over his drink I thought he 
was going to fall into it, “early this morn- 
ing, in a brand-new Toyota Land Cruis- 
er, which I don’t know where he got, and 
he had a woman with him.” And then, as 
if remembering some distant bit of tri 
“How was that flesh bazaar, anyway? You 
married yet?” 

Louise snickered, Ronnie guffawed, 
but I was in no mood. “Where'd he go?” 
I said, hopeful, always hopeful, but 1 al- 
ready knew the answer. 

Howard did something with his leg, a 
twitch he'd developed to ease the pain in 
back. “I didn't talk to him," he said. 
"But I think he was going downriver." 

. 


Тһе river wasn't too rough this time of 
year, but it was still moving at a pretty 
good clip and I have to admit I'm not ex- 
actly an ace with a canoe. I'm too big for 
anything that small—give me a riverboat 
with a Johnson any day—and I always 
fcel awkward and top-heavy. But there I 
was, moving along with the current, 
thinking one thing and one thing only: 
Jordy. It would be a bitch coming back 
up, but there'd be two of us paddling, 
and I kept focusing on how grateful she 
was going to be to me for getting her out 
of there, more grateful than if I'd bid 
$1000 for her and taken her out for 
steak three nights in a row. But then the 
strangest thing happened: The sky went 
gray and it began to snow. 

It just doesn't snow that early in the 
year, not ever, or hardly ever. But there 
it was. The wind came up the channel of 


the river and threw these dry little pel- 
lets of in my face and I realized how 
stupid I'd been. I was already a couple 
miles downriver from town, and though 
1 had a light parka and mittens with me, 
a chunk of cheese, loaf of bread, couple 
Cokes, that sort of thing, I really hadn't 
planned on any weather. It was a sur- 
prise, a real surprise. Of course, at that 
point I was sure it was only a squall, 
something to whiten the ground for a 
day and then melt off, but I still felt stu- 
pid out there on the river without any 
real protection, and I began to wonder 
how Jordy would see it, the way she wor- 
ried about all the names for snow and 
how sick at heart she must have been just 
about then with Bud'sshithole of a cabin 
and no escape and the snow coming 
down like a life sentence, and I leaned 
into the paddle. 

It was after dark when I came round 
the bend and saw the lights of the cabin 
off through the scrim of snow. I was 
wearing my parka and mittens now and 
I must have looked like a snowman 
propped up in the white envelope of the 
canoe and I could feel the ice forming in 
my beard where the breath froze coming 
out of my nostrils. I smelled woodsmoke 
and watched the soft tumbling sky. Was I 
angry? Not really. Not yet. I'd hardly 
thought about what I was doing up to 
that point—it all just seemed so obvious. 
The son of a bitch had gotten her, 
whether it was under false pretenses or 
not, and Jordy, sweet Jordy with Emily 
Bronté tucked under her arm, couldn't 
have imagined in her wildest dreams 
what she was getting into. No one would 
have blamed me. For all intents and pur- 
poses, Bud had abducted her. He had. 

Still, when I actually got there, when I 
could smell the smoke and see the lamps 
burning, I felt suddenly shy. I couldn't. 
just burst in and announce that I'd come 
to rescue her, could I? And I could hard- 
ly pretend I just happened to be in the 
neighborhood. Plus, that was Bud in 
there, and he was as purely nasty as a 
ratilesnake with a hand clamped around 
the back of its head. There was no way 
he was going to like this, no matter how 
you looked at it. 

So what I did was pull the canoe up on 
the bank about 100 yards from the cab- 
in, the scrape of the gravel masked by 
the snow, and crept up on the place, as 
stealthy as a big man can Ье—1 didn't 
want to alert Bud's dog and blow the 
whole thing. But that was just it, I геді- 
ized, tiptoeing through the snow like an 
ice statue come to life—what thing 


would I blow? I didn't have a plan. Not 
evena clue. 

In the end, I did the obvious: sneaked 
up to the window. I couldn't see much at 
first, what with the window all smeared 
with grime, but I rubbed the pane with 
the wet heel of my mitten and things 
came into focus. The stove in the corner 
was going, a mouth of flame with the 
door flung open wide for a fireplace ef- 
fect. Next to the stove was a table with 
a bottle of wine on it and two glasses, 
one of them half-full, and I saw the 
dog then—a malamute-looking thing— 
asleep underneath it. There was some 
homemade furniture—a sort of couch 
with an old single mattress thrown over 
it, a couple of crude chairs of bent aspen 
with the bark still on it. Four or five 
white plastic buckets of water were lined 
up against the wall, which was festooned 
with the usual backcountry junk: snow- 
shoes, traps, hides, the mangy stuffed 
head of a caribou Bud must have picked 
up at a fire sale someplace. But I didn't 
see Bud. Or Jordy. And then I realized 
they must be in the back room—the bed- 
room—and that made me feel strange, 
choked up in the pit of my throat as if 
somebody were trying to strangle me. 

It was snowing pretty stcadily, six 
inches on the ground at least, and it 
muflled my footsteps as I worked my 
way around the cabin to the back win- 
dow. The night was absolute, the sky so 
close it was breathing for me, in and out, 
and the snow held everything in the grip. 
of silence. A candle was burning in the 
back window—I could tell it was a candle 
even before I got there from the way the 
light wavered—and I heard music then, 
violins playing in unison, the sort of 
thing I wouldn't have expected from a 
lowlife like Bud, and voices, a low inti- 
mate murmur of voices. That almost 
stopped me right there, that whispery 
blur of Jordy's voice and the deeper res- 
onance of Bud's, and for a moment 
everything hung in the balance. Part of 
me wanted to back away from that win- 
Чом, creep back to the сапос and forget 
all about it. But I didn't. I couldn't. Га 
scen her first—I'd squeezed her hand 
and given her the corsage and admired 
the hand-lettered name tag—it wasn't 
right. The murmur of those voices rose 
up in my head like a scream and there 
was nothing more to think about. 

My shoulder hit the back door just. 
above the latch and blew the thing off 
the hinges like it was a toy, and there I 
was, breathing hard and white to the 
eyebrows. I saw them in the bed togeth- 
er and heard this little birdlike cry from 
Jordy and a curse from Bud and then 
the dog came hurtling in from the front 
room as if he'd been launched from a 
cannon. (And I should say here that I 
like dogs and that Гуе never lifted a 
finger to hurt any dog I've ever owned, 
but I had to put this one down. I didn't 
have any choice.) 1 caught him as he left 


the floor and slammed him into the wall 
behind me till he collapsed in a heap. 
Jordy was screaming now, actually 
screaming, and you would have thought 
that ] was the bad guy, but I tried to calm 
her, her arms bare and the comforter 
pulled up over her breasts and Bud's 
plastic feet set there on the floor like sli 
pers, telling her a mile a minute that I'd 
protect her, it was all right, and I'd see 
that Bud was prosecuted to the fullest 
extent, the fullest extent, but then Bud 
was fumbling under the mattress for 
something like the snake he was and I 
took hold of his puny slip of a wrist with 
the blue-black .38 special in it and just 
squeezed till his other hand came up and 
I caught that one and squeezed it too. 

Jordy made a bolt for the other room 
and I could see she was naked and 1 
knew right then he must have raped her 
because there was no way she'd ever. 
consent to anything with a slime like 
that, not Jordy, not my Jordy, and the 
thought of what Bud had done to her 
made me angry. The gun was on the 
floor now and I kicked it under the bed 
and let go of Bud's wrists and shut up his 
curses and vile foul language with a 
quick stab to the bridge of his nose, and 
it was almost like a reflex. He went limp. 
under the force of that blow and I was 
upset, I admit it, 1 was furious over what 
he'd done to that girl, and it just seemed 
like the most natural thing in the world 
to reach out and put a little pressure on 
his throat till the raw-looking stumps of 
his legs lay still on the blanket. 

That was when I became aware of the 
music again, with the violins swelling up 
and out of a boom box on the shelf till 
they filled the room and the wind blew 
through the doorway and the splintered 
door groaned on its broken latch. Jordy, 
1 was thinking, Jordy needs me, needs 
me to get her out of this, and I went into 
the front room to tell her about the snow 
and how it was coming down out of sea- 
son and what that meant. She was 
crouched in the corner across from the 
stove and her face was wet and she was 
shivering. Her sweater was clutched up 
around her neck and she'd got one leg 
of her jeans on, but the other leg was 
bare, sculpted bare and white all the way 
from her little painted tocnails to the 
curve of her thigh and beyond. It was a 
hard moment. And I tried to explain to 
her, 1 did. “Look outside,” I said. “Look 
out there into the night. You see that?" 

She lifted hcr chin then and looked, 
out beyond the doorway to the back 
room, beyond Bud on his bed and the 
dog on the floor and into the gaping 
hole where the door had been. And 
there it was, coming down like the end 
of everything, snow, and there was on- 
ly one name for it now. I tried to tell 
her that. Because we weren't going 


anywhere. 
EB 


CONDOMS 
BY MAIL 


а он%6)95 


Adam de Eve offers you a full line of high 
quality condoms with discreet, direct-to- 
your door delivery. 


Ош deluxe 75 condom collection offers you the unique 
luxury of trying over 14 world-class condom brands 
including Gold Circle Coins, Saxon Gold, Trojan, 

, Prime, plus some о! the finest Japanese 


Ав а special Introductory offer, you can got tho Super 
75 Collection (a full $29.95 value If purchased indi- 
vidually) for ONLY $9.95. That's a sevings of over 60%! 
Or try our 38 Condom Sampler for only $5.95. Use the 
‘coupon below to claim your savings now! 
Money-Back Guarantee: You must agree that 
Adam & Eve's condo vie 

best available anywhere, or wı 

money in full, no questions asked. 


VISA & MasterCard orders Call Toll Free 


^ 1-800-274-0333 


Adag) 2 ноч 4001/7 Daya A Work 


€ Bf ро. Box 900 - Carrboro, НС 27510 
eur aD Par 
1 Send Check or Bark Money Order Ta: || 
‘Adam 8 Eve, Dept. PB175. РО Бох 900, Carrboro, NC 27510 


OYES! Please rush my CONDOM COLLECTION in 
plain packaging under your money back guarantee. 


сое пм am тие 
5554 Super 75 Collection. $9.95 
#6623 38 Condom Collection $5.95 


SATISFACTION Postage & Handling TREE i 


Rush Service add $2 
GUARANTEED! TOTAL 


тш | 


ias 


PLAYBOY 


ае (continued from page 84) 


No other lineup can go nine with the Tribe, not with 
Lofton on the bases and Belle knocking pitchers out. 


Jake by the Lake is sold out for 1996. 
Every scat for сусту home game was 
gone before Christmas 

Hart landed ace Jack McDowell and 
lured first baseman Julio Franco home 
from Japan. He re-signed the young 
(Manny Ramirez), the old (Orel Hershi- 
ser) and the glovely (Omar Vizquel). He 
even convinced Eddie Murray to take a 
million-dollar pay cut after Murray hit 
.323 with 21 homers. He acted to ensure 
a Cleveland fin de siécle. No other line- 
up can go nine with the Tribe, not with 
Kenny Lofton dancing the bases and 
Most Vile Person Albert Belle knocking 
pitchers out. And now McDowell, Den- 
nis Martinez, Hershiser, Charles Nagy 
and closer José Mesa make Indian pitch- 
ing look almost Atlantan. This is the year 
bascball's best-laid plan pays of. 

After a horrid 1995, White Sox owner 
Jerry Reinsdorf's team dumped Tim 
Raines and Lance Johnson and showed 
little interest in top free agents. Will 
Dennis Rodman come help this club re- 
bound? Clearly, Frank Thomas can't do 
italone. The splendid tree trunk hit .308 
with 40 dings while pitchers gave him al- 
most nothing to hurt. They walked him 
136 times, more than a fourth of his ups. 
Robin Ventura had 26 homers, but 
"Thomas needs тоге hitters around him 
if he’s to unleash a Ruthian year. Signees 
Tony Phillips, Danny Tartabull, Harold 
Baines and Darren Lewis? Not enough. 
Phillips and Baines are 37. Two NL clubs 
gave up on Lewis. The Yanks and A's 
couldn't wait to unload Tartabull. Oh, 
yes—the Sox hired Bill Buckner as bat- 
ting coach. Can you hear Reinsdorf- 
hater Jack McDowell chuckling up his 
Cleveland sleeve? Will Chicago be the 
first second-place team to finish 40 
games out? 

The Royals were last in the AL in 
homers and runs scored. They enter the 


ООН, STOP, 


HERE! THERES A 


ROMANTIC SPOT 
7| UNDER THAT 
TREE! 


new year with a new infield: overswinger 
Bob Hamelin at first, imp Bip Roberts at 
second, veteran bush leaguer Keith 
Lockhart at third and butterfingercd 
José Offerman at short. Top starter 
Kevin Appier and closer Jeff Mont- 
gomery are trade bait. At least there's a 
blue-chip Royal prospect in Johnny Da- 
mon, and a kid reliever, Jaime Bluma, 
who spurns Skoal in the bullpen. Bluma 
chews bugs. 

Ihe Twins hit one more homer than 
the Royals. Their pitching ace was, you 
guessed it, Brad Radke. Marty Cordova 
had a fab rookie year, but is GM Terry 
Ryan building around him? No, he 
signed veteran closer Rick Aguilera, 34, 
to be a starter. Plus, outfielder Roberto 
Kelly, 32, and Minnesota-born DH Paul 
Molitor, 39, to help Kirby Puckett whittle 
away the long season. 

Acting commissioner Bud Selig prom- 
ised winning baseball if Milwaukee 
would give his Brewers a new ballpark 
The city agreed. But few outsiders want 
to join this cheesy franchise. GM Sal 
Bando had to pay All-Star money to land 
three game-winner Ben McDonald. Win- 
ning bascball is a memory; Milwaukee 
is a microbrewery. 

° 


Thud. Meet the Anaheim Mighty 
Duds. Eleven games up with two months 
left, the Angels crashed and burned. If 
that's not shame enough, they are now 
being sold by a cowboy to a mousc. But 
Disney's controlling interest of Gene 
Autry's beloved ball club finds the An- 
gels a step from Playoffs World. They're 
happy, they're animated and they can 
rule the AL West's small world after all. 

California has talent all over. Best of 
all are the Angels in the outfield. Garret 
Anderson, Jim Edmonds and Tim Salm- 
on combined to hit .313 with 83 homers 


апа 281 RBIs. Salmon's the oldest at 27. 
First baseman J.T. Snow is another 
young whiffer (he and the outfielders av- 
eraged 100 strikeouts) who sull hits for 
average and power. Ditto designated 
hitter Chili Davis, 36, the grown-up in 
the group. 

California GM Bill Bavasi saved thc 
rotation while the Disney sale was on 
hold, boldly spending $20 million to 
keep starters Chuck Finley and Jim Ab- 
bott. Along with signee Steve Ontiveros, 
they'll help Mark Langston get games to 


the bullpen, which had been an off-sea- 
son worry. Last winter Lee Smith had 
what the club called a hunting accident. 
The all-time-saves king stepped in a 
hole and twisted his knee. Ex-closer 
Bryan Harvey, returning for a second 
stint in Anaheim, tends to wince when he 
warms up. Smith's and Harvey's 648 
combined career saves may be down the 
drain like fluid from Smith's knee. But, 
as in all Disney clouds, there's a silver 
lining: Troy Percival, with three career 
saves, is better than any kid closer you've 
seen in a while. Watch Percival's smoke 
cloud Seattle's hopes. 

Before last year's thrilling finish the 
Mariners were undistinguished. Now 
call them extinguished. Trading first 
baseman Tino Martinez and third base- 
man Mike Blowers takes 54 homers off 
Seattle's corners. Replacements Paul 
Sorrento and Russ Davis may hit 34. Jay 
Buhner had a dazzling 1995 but isn't 


IF I DONT LOSE 
THE URGE T 
CANT GET 
сот! 


about to have consecutive 40-homer, 
120-RBI seasons. Likewise Edgar Mar- 
tinez, who is due to cool off from .356 
with 99 homers. The rest of the lineup 
punchless, with one major exception: 
the great Griffey. Junior broke his wrist, 
came back with a four-inch metal plate 
and seven screws in his hand and 
screwed the Yankees with five playoff 
homers. At 26 he has 189 big-league 
home runs to go with a new four-year, 
$34 million contract. But can he carry 
Seattle's Swiss cheese lineup? Can Randy 
Johnson carry a rotation that stinks ex- 
cept for him? I suspect the Unit wore 
down his arm by pitching so often last 
fall. Less noticed but equally ominous: 
General manager Woody Woodward 
traded [eff Nelson and Bill Risley, who. 
twirled 139 innings of razory middle re- 
lief. Seattle pitching now Бойз down to 
Johnson and pray for rain, a bad plan 
for a dome team. 

“The Texas Rangers signed Mike Hen- 
neman to save whatever leads their sad 
rotation provides. Ken Hill heads a pack 
of starters who need line-drive insur- 
ance. Will Clark, Juan Gonzalez and 
Mickey Tettleton make a formidable 
middle of the order, but they're sur- 
rounded by question marks. How do 
guys like Kevin Gross (9-15, 5.54 ERA) 
and shortstop Benji Gil (.219 with 147 
whiffs) get into the Ballpark for free? 

The Athletics” Mark McGwire gets 
hurt so often you tend to forget what a 
fearsome talent he is. Last year he 
clubbed 39 homers in 317 at bats. That 
translates to 65 over a full season. These 
A's with their D-minus rotation and in- 
complete offense may be even worse 
than last year's last-placers, but as Tony 
LaRussa flees inland and Oakland sinks 
into the bay, McGvire still makes a ticket 
worth the price. 


Atlanta's win in the Series was a fitting 
finale. From 1991, when the Twins 
sneaked by them, through postseason 
losses to the Jays in 1992, the Phillies in 
1993 and lawyers in 1994, the Braves 
have been the best team on the planet. 
The proof is in the pitching. Atlanta's su- 
perior arms can win all week, then go 
back to Greg Maddux and do it again. 
lt wasn't predestined—the Cubs had 


to fumble Maddux away first—but now 
the puzzle is complete. Reliever Mark 
Wohlers finally matured, just as GM 
John Schuerholz promised he would, 
becoming the closer Atlanta needed. 
Meanwhile, Maddux won his fourth- 
straight Cy Young award with a 1.63 
ERA, two and a half runs per game bet- 
ter than the league average. His support 
features Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, 
Steve Avery and rookie Jason Schmidt. 
Watch for Avery to improve in 1996, 
making Ted and Jane's team so pitcher- 
perfect it will hardly need hitters. 

With all its prime-time exposure, At- 
lanta's lineup is actually more famous 
than fabulous. The champs batted .250, 
26th among the 28 big-league teams. 
They scored fewer runs than the lousy 
Marlins or Giants. Schuerholz saved the 
day by re-signing cleanup man Fred Mc- 
Griff for $20.5 million. McGriff drives 
the offense. He'll get more help zs Mar- 
quis Grissom bounces back from a curi- 
ously quiet season and three young 
Braves enter their primes. Ryan Klesko 
and catcher Javy Lopez will soon be All- 
Stars, and Larry Jones is even better. 
Never heard of Jones, the shoulda-been 
rookie of the year? Goes by Chipper. 
He's going to be an MVP. 

How fast can a team rebuild? Two 
years ago the Mets were coming off a 
103-loss debacle. They had a starter in 
1993 whose 3.77 ERA was better than 
the league average and whose record 
was 1-16. But good scouting and draft- 
ing stocked Kingsport, St. Lucie and 
Pittsfield, their low-minors clubs, with 
bright futures. As in Atlanta a few years 
ago, the good news starts with young 
starters: Jason Isringhausen, 23, and Bill 
Pulsipher, 22, are two of the finest. Paul 
Wilson, top pick in the 1994 draft, makes 
scouts drool. Bobby Jones, a Mets vet at 
26, and rehabbing Pete Harnisch can 
reel off a few shutouts of their own. The 
once-comatose attack shows signs of life 
as well. No current Met had even nine 
steals, but new leadoff man Lance John- 
son stole 40 for the White Sox. Another 
new arrival, Bernard Gilkey, adds speed 
and power Rey Ordoñez, a magical 
shortstop prospect, may move José Viz- 
caino to second and powerful Jeff Kent. 
to third, creating a logjam in the 
outfield. Manager Dallas Green has Буе 
fine young outfielders to choose from, 
including Alex Ochoa, who was pried 
out of Baltimore's future in the Bobby 
Bonilla trade. Ochoa. 24, is a rocket- 
armed, line drive-hitting keeper. He 
may flop this year (or merely lose out to 
gifted Carl Everett), but he's sure to bea 
hit soon, just like these Mets. 

Floridz's Marlins signed Cuban defec- 
tor Livian Hernandez to the richest 
bonus-baby deal ever. Hernandez, only 
21, may be ready to join a retooled rota- 
tion with AL vets Kevin Brown and Al 
Leiter plus holdovers John Burkett 
(a PBA-rated bowler with numerous 


The Perfect Unexpected Birthday, Anniversary 
от Mother's Day Gift for the Wife 


Р, anty of the Month. 


Send one designer panty each month to her doorstep 
perfumed, gift-wrapped, and enclosed with a personal 
note. For a free brochure just give us a call, or 
E-Mail your street address to panty@fairfield.com. 
‘This deligheful gift of romance has been profiled 
by CNN, MTV, USA Today, and. 

The Wall Sucer Journal. 
2hour score information hotline: & [ree brochure 


1-515-469-6800 


http://www fairfield.com/ pant 


TERM PAPER ASSISTANCE 
Catalog of 20,000 research papers 
Order Catalog Today with Visa/MC or COO 


TOLL FREE 
ш» 1-800-351-0222 
or (310) 477-8226. Mon. «Fri. Зап - Spm (Pacific time) 
Or send $2.00 with coupon below 
Dur 280-page catalog contains detailed descriptions of 
20,000 research papers, » virtual library ol information at 
your fingertips. Endnote and bibliographic pages are free. 
ring as easy a picking up your phone Let this valuable 
educational aid serve you throughout your years. 
EXAMPLES OF CATALOG TOPICS. .. 
21564 - HUMAN INTELLIGENCE. Analyzes conflicting theories & 
эрез that IQ is not only inherited, but also created by environment, 
‘social and contextual forces. 16 citations, 5 sources, 10 pages, 


‘SUICIDE. Incidence. 
pens, family dysfunction, self-esteem, past 
Eo rm emo sources, 6 pages. 
Reseach Assstance aso prosdes custom research and thesis 
assistance Ou stall of prolessona wre, each win ın ther 
fieláso expertise, can assist yu with al your research needs. 
QUALITY GUARANTEED 
RESEARCH ASSISTANCE 7777 
11322 Idaho Ave., Suite 206-KP 
West Los Angeles, Caria 90025 
Please rush my catalog, Enclosed is $2 to cover postage 


PLAYBOY 


300 games to his credit) and Chris 
Hammond. All of Miami thinks the rota- 
tion is a commanding bunch, but it was 
just 44-40 last year. Florida hitters, соп- 
versely, are underrated. Catcher Charles 
Johnson, a peerless defensive talent, is a 
comer with the bat. Left fielder Jeff Co- 
nine had Hall of Fame numbers last year. 
New center fielder Devon White is still 
stellar at 33. Right fielder Cary Sheffield 
hit .324 with 16 homers in half a season 
before he hurt his shoulder. Surgery 
fixed it, but the troubled Sheffield got 
shot in the other shoulder during a car- 
jacking. He gave a semicoherent account 
of the crime. Then he got hit with a re- 
straining order by an ex-girlfriend, who 
said she found a nasty note and two bul- 
lets on her doorstep. He says every- 
thing's fine now. The Marlins, too, daim 
to have solved their problems, but like 
Sheffield’s police report, they look fishy 
to me. 

The Phillies finished 21 games be- 
hind the Braves. Their response: signing 
ho-hum third baseman Todd Zeile to re- 
place yawn Charlie Hayes, signing catch- 
er Benito Santiago so Darren Daulton 
can move to the outfield. They also trad- 
ed flash-in-the-Vet closer Heath Slocumb 
to Boston to make room for sharp soph 
Ricky Bottalico. Twenty or 30 more good 
ideas and the Phils might start worrying 
Atlanta. 

Former Montreal GM Kevin Malone 
went to Baltimore as an assistant rather 
than continue dismantling the Expos. 
Multitalented Rondell White, Cliff Floyd 
and kid pitcher Ugueth Urbina are 
worth a look, but the Spos will be ex- 
Spos, relocated and renamed, before 
they win again. 


Drayton McLane had a heart and wal- 
let as big as Texas when he bought the 
Astros іп 1992. He instantly shot himself 
in the foot. McLane bankrolled the sign- 
ings of pitchers Doug Drabek and Greg 
Swindell, high-priced Texans who have 
stunk up the Dome ever since. That 
blunder overshadowed the decade's epic 
deal: In 1990 Houston fleeced Boston, 
trading a month's worth of Larry Ander- 
sen for Jeff Bagwell. Bagwell now leads a 


160 team no division rival can match, atop an 


organization that's the envy of the Cen- 
tral. GM Gerry Hunsicker cemented 
1996 by shelling out $22 million to re- 
tain Craig Biggio, who showed loyalty to 
team, town and buddy Bagwell by 
spurning richer deals elsewhere. Those 
two join outfielder Derek Bell and ex- 
Expo third baseman Sean Berry in a po- 
tent lineup sparked by leadoff man Bri- 
an Hunter, who may change his name 
to Bunter to fit in with the rest of the 
Houston Bs. The rotation figures to be 
Drabek, gifted Shane Reynolds, wily kid 
lefty Mike Hampton, Swindell and Dar- 
ryl Kile. Rookies Billy Wagner, who led 
the minors in strikcouts, and Donne 
Wall will play major roles soon. Then 
there’s baby batsman Bob Abreu, 22, 
who lit up every level of the minors. The 
Astros, who lost Bagwell and Bell to the 
DL, still would have made the 1995 play- 
offs if not for two extra-inning disasters 
during the final week. They should win 
by ten this time around. 

The St. Louis Cardinals are the 
west's kinkiest team. After the team’s five 
underachieving years with Joe Torre, 
Anheuser-Busch lured manager Tony 
LaRussa out of Oakland. A vegetarian 
lawyer and occasional extra in an opera 
or ballet, LaRussa promptly got arch 
with a St. Louis landmark: He demoted 
Ozzie Smith to benchwarmer. A still bet- 
ter move for this pitiful offense was re- 
placing third baseman Scott Cooper, 
who hit three home runs, with 35-homer 
man Gary Caetti. With an outfield of 
Ron Gant in left, Ray Lankford in center 
and Brian Jordan in right, GM Walt 
Jocketty could trade for pitching. Signee 
‘Andy Benes, the ace, isn’t much better 
than fellow starter Alan Benes, his little 
brother. Todd Stottlemyre, an ex-Oak- 
lander, trailed only Randy Johnson in 
AL strikeouts last year. Donovan Os- 
borne and Danny Jackson fill out the ro- 
tation. For a closer the Cards have a 
choice of Dennis Eckersley, another dis- 
tinguished Oaklander, ex-Oriole Gregg 
Olson or rookie John Frascatore. They 
might even talk Tom Henke out of re- 
urement. One question: If these Cards 
win, will Ozzie do somersaults? 

Cincinnati GM Jim Bowden is a psy- 
choeconomist. His boss, dotty owner 
Marge Schott, believes in voodoo. She 
has called her black players “million-dol- 
lar niggers.” She makes club executives 
pay their own way to league meetings 
and saves quarters by making the Reds 
pay for their own newspapers on the 
road. Bowden humors Schott and uses 
her pinched pennies to build a winner 
every year. But not this year. New skip- 
per Ray Knight inherits a club that stars 
league MVP Barry Larkin and outfield- 
er Reggie Sanders. The rotation starts 
with lefties Pete Schourek and John 
Smiley and falls offto Mark Portugal and 
Dave Burba. Bowden hopes to catch 
lightning in a cheap bottle with the sign- 
ings of Vince Coleman—who'll probably 


win the leadoff slot—and Eric Davis. Re- 
member when Davis hurt his kidney div- 
ing for a ball in the 1990 Series? Marge 
made him pay his own way home. The 
Reds have Schott but no shot. 

Ryne's back! So forget the fact that 
Cubs pitching won't improve without 
expensive free agents. Forget that MVP 
candidate Sammy Sosa makes the out- 
field seem like one big banana peel, that 
Mark Grace is a middling star at best, 
that rookie Brooks Kieschnick is a born 
DH and that the new closer tandem, 
slowballer Doug Jonesand madman Rob 
Dibble, belong in a sitcom. Recall that in 
1994, with his team still alive in the NL 
East, Ryne Sandberg quit. Just took off. 
Imagine the reaction if, say, Albert Belle 
were to try that. But Sandburg, shy and 
pale, gets the hero treatment upon his 
return. He'll help the Cubs stay out of 
last place. 

Pittsburgh skipper Jim Leyland burst 
into tears during a September home 
stand. He was worried his team would be 
sold and/or moved. Unfortunately for 
Leyland, who weeps at store closings, 
the Pirates are still in Pittsburgh and still 
lousy. Their best pitcher is Denny Nea- 
gle, who has a 29-30 career. Their top 
hitter is Orlando Merced. 'Ми said, ex- 
cept to say that Leyland, one of the best 
baseball thinkers, deserves better. 


Snooze and lose? Tommy Lasorda, ac- 
cused of dozing off in the dugout, won 
his eighth division title but almost lost 
his job. Like most Lasorda teams, the 
Dodgers were thought to be better than 
their record. As the team crept home an 
inch ahead of the Rockies (and then got 
vacuumed in the playoffs), Dodgers fans 
called for the manager's head. Owner 
Peter O'Malley spared it. Tommy has 
one more chance to win his first pennant 
since 1988. 

Don't bet against him. Lasorda's 
“Dodger Blue" blah-blah may have worn 
as thin as Frank Sinatra's hair, but the 
man has four World Series and one oth- 
er thing on his side. In 1988 he insisted 
the club use a 62nd-round draft pick on 
his rich buddy Vince Piazza's kid. Young 
Mike Piazza became 1993 Rookie of the 
Year. He missed a month last summer 
but still hit .346 with 32 homers. When a 


guy with Babar speed bats .346, you 
know he's hitting nothing but tracers. 
Piazza, my MVP pick, is going to make 
this season so exciting Tommy won't 
want to nod off. 

Dodgers GM Fred Claire clinched the 
NL West by re-signing leadoff scrapper 
Brett Butler and number two hitter Deli- 
no DeShields. They set the table for Raul 
Mondesi (26 homers, 27 steals in an 
off year), Piazza and Eric Karros (32 
homers, 105 RBIs). Left fielder Todd 
Hollandsworth, 23, is a star in the mak- 
ing. Third baseman Mike Blowers had 
23 homers in Seattle. More important, 
shortstop Greg Gagne, fresh from Kan- 
sas City, is the shortstop Los Angeles 
pitchers have prayed for after four years 
of José Offerman's fumbles. Lasorda's 
soon-to-be-famous United Nations rota- 
tion starts with Dominican fastballer 
Ramón Martinez. Next come rookie of 
the year Hideo Мото (who eats with 
chopsticks but uses a forkball at work), 
Mexican whiz Ismael Valdes, American 
knuckleballer Tom Candiotti and either 
Korean whirlwind Chan Ho Park or Pe- 
dro Astacio, who is Swiss (OK, he's Do- 
minican, but that won't help in this 
group). The closer is Todd Worrell, with 
Antonio Osuna poised to take over that 
role soon. It all adds up to a few more 
years of Lasorda. Tommy's not ready for 
the big sleep just yet. 


How does Don Baylor spell relief? 
Role aids. Rockies pitchers all have 
specific, limited roles. Starters in home 
games go five or six if they're lucky, then 
get a pat on the butt for lasting so long in 
pitchers’ mile-high hell. Baylor then 
goes to his middlemen—a lefty here, a 
submarining Steve Reed there—before 
juggling closers Bruce Ruffin, Darren 
Holmes and Curt Leskanic to finish an- 
other 12-9 win. Necessity invented this 
mother. In 1993, Colorado's virgin year, 
the staffhad nine complete games, but as 
Baylor saw how cruelly Denver's thin air 
pressured pitchers he hit on a new plan: 
endless fresh arms. The Rocks had four 
complete games in 1994. They had one 
last year as Baylor set a record for 
switching pitchers. Colorado's octopus 
bullpen worked in 1995, but it’s bound 
to show some wear soon, and there's a 
similar thinness in the lineup. Outfielder 
Dante Bichette deserved the MVP award 
over Cincinnati's Larkin. (Games played 
in Denver count in the standings, so why 
not in MVP voting?) Still, I'll eat yellow 
snow if Bichette and Vinny Castilla com- 
bine for more than 70 homers and 200 
RBIs again. Larry Walker, now asked to 
play center, is an injury about to happen. 
Andres Galarraga is aging fast as his 
whiffs approach infinity. The Rockies аге 
due for a fall. 

But the Padres are better than you 


think. With butterball immortal Tony 
Gwynn in right, Steve Finley in center 
and Rickey Henderson in left, they have 
an All-Starrish outfield, Wally Joyner 
and Ken Caminiti are sharp at the 
infield corners. Young starters Andy 
Ashby and Joey Hamilton don't stink, 
though vet Bob Tewksbury does—his 
sole virtue is not walking people, so few- 
er runs score on the doubles and homers 
he allows. You have to hate San Diego for 
signing washed-up Fernando Valenzuela 
in a cynical attempt to boost the Mexican 
gate. You have to love Fernando for nib- 
bling desperately at the corners, cob- 
bling together a six-game winning streak 
and winning a new $500,000 contract. 
The Pads may contend. 

Even with a pitching coach named 
Dick Pole, Giants hurlers weren't ma- 
cho. They had a 4.86 ERA, worst of any 
NL club outside Denver. Ace lefthander 
"Terry Mulholland went 5-13. Closer 
Rod Beck, who is looking like a case 
study in the arm erosion that stalks split- 
finger artists, was almost as bad. San 
Francisco should trade Barry Bonds and 
Matt Williams for 20 primo prospects, 
but management seems to lack the co- 
jones for such a move. This is the way a 
franchise dwindles, not with a bang-up 
trade but a wimp year. 


Adult Products. 
Pii Adult Pleasures. 


Discover the world's finest sex products. 
in the Xandria catalogue. 


oday, you know that wanting 

the most from your sex life 

is natural and healthy. Look 
through the new Xandria Gold Collection. 
catalogue to discover a wide array of 
sexual products for giving you, and your 
partner, even greater pleasure. 
Trust our experience. Men have delighted 
in the Xandria Collection for more than 
twenty years. We select only the finest 
products from around the world. 


Rely on our 100%, three-way Guarantee. 
If you've been reluctant to purchase sexual 
products through the mail, consider this: 

1. We guarantee your privacy. Everything 
we ship is plainly and securely wrapped 
with no clue to its contents. АП transactions. 
are strictly confidential, and we never sell, 
rent, or trade names. 


2. We guarantee your satisfaction. If a 
product is unsatisfactory, simply return it 
for replacementor refund within 60 days. 


3. We guarantee that the product you. 
choose will keep giving you pleasure. 
Should it malfunction, just return it to us 
for a replacement. 

Order today and see. The Xandria Gold 
Collection helps you turn good sex into 
great sex. Send for your catalogue now, 
and we'll apply its $4.00 price to 

your first order. You have nothing 

to lose and an entirely new world 

of enjoyment to gain. 


| The Xandria Collection, Dept. PB0596 

| LO Box 31039, San Francisco, CA 94131-9988 

| Bisse rond me y frst eine е flowing 

Xandria Collection Gold Edition Catalogue. 34 00 

| E ‚Page toy catalogue plus a $400 coupon good 
owcrde your first purchase. 

1 2 Toys For Lovers Video. 5195, Now $9.95! 
Discover how to enkance your pleasure beyond your 

| Eos dreame Over 50 products promi 
û Send beth! A $23.00 value. Orly S11 95 

|| Method of Payment: O Check or Money Order 

10 MasterCard or Visa (teo ona) Exp. 


U con 
pe 
Іше _ 
19% 


ПЕС 
Lam an adult over 21 years of ape 


ver wonder what kind of 
sound equipment great 
musicians listen to when 


they're not making music themselves? 
We asked a number of rock, country, 
soul, jazz and blues notables to name 
their personal playback and recording 
gear. Hit the power button. 

Chris Ballew and Dave Dederer 
(Presidents of the United States of 
America): “Lo-fi. That's definitely us. 
It prevents us from slipping into 
dichés." This goal of achieving тоге 
with less extends to the Presidents’ lis- 
tening equipment. Dederer 
spins vinyl platters through а 
12-year-old Aiwa boom box. 
Ballew recently invested in a 
hockshop bookshelf stereo of 
low repute, to mate with a 
portable CD spinner pre- 
sented by his record label. (It 
pays to have your album go 
gold on Sony.) “The CD play- 
er is a пісе one,” he says, “but 
I like how these cheap little 
speakers warm up the digital 
sound. The guy wanted $50 
for the stereo. I got him 
down to $35." 

Adrian Belew (solo artist 
and member of King Crim- 
son): According to Belew, the favorite. 
new tool of independently minded 
musicians is the ADAT recorder. 
“АРАТ offers eight tracks of digital au- 
dio recording and playback on in- 
expensive S-VHS videotapes, and the 
unit is not much bigger than a conven- 
tional VCR. This has allowed people 
like me to enter into the world ofown- 
ing a recording studio. For $12,000 to 
$15,000, you can buy 32 tracks of 
ADAT plus a remote-control system. 
and a small board. That sort of setup. 
used to cost more than $100,000." 

Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds: “I 
will create reasons to get in the car and 
drive, so I can listen to my mixes. At 
the moment, 1 own a 1995 Toyota 
Land Cruiser and a 1996 Porsche 911 
Tiptronic. Both have the factory CD- 
changer sound systems— Panasonic in 
the Toyota, Becker in the Porsche. Fac- 
tory systems have gotten much better. 
Listening to Madonna's Bose sound 
system in her Mercedes turned me 
around." 

Billy Joel: Joel's 1995 Jaguar XJR is 
his favorite place to hear music. “The 
sound’s much better than you can get 
with a conventional home stereo. And 
there's something about being mobile, 
driving by yourself, that really goes 
with listening to music.” The Jag roars 
to life with a premium Harman Kar- 
don nine-speaker system, a 240-watt 
amplifier and a six-disc autochanger 


hiding in the trunk. What's the piano 


man playing? “Mostly 1 listen to classi- 
cal music, a lot of symphonies. Mozart, 
Debussy and especially Beethoven." 
Paul Leary (Butthole Surfers): “I'm 
really into my Panasonic SV-3900 DAT 
machine, which I use to record a lot of 
Butthole guitar parts. А Rotel CD 
player is the most recent thing I 
bought. I needed a player to hear the 
CD demos I came out of the mastering 
plant with. My old player wouldn't 
track them. But the truth is, I haven't 
been home to listen to it much. I 
bought the thing and left town." 


ЖЗ СЕЗ 


MRE 


aa 
AA Eae ДА 


electronic toys of the stars 


Wynton Marsalis: “I have a pair of 
Infinity Epsilon speakers in the bed- 
room that have a tremendous sound, 
such depth. They're about five feet tall. 
and use these special planar drivers— 
flat rather than cone shaped—for all 
but the woofer. I like to sit on the floor 
right between them and pretend I'm. 
there where the music's being played." 

Kevin Martin (Candlebox): "We in- 
vested in a portable audio-video sys- 
tem which is custom built into two 
equipment cases that we just roll back- 
stage when touring. We've got a Brys- 
ton preamp and 500-watt amplifier, 
"Iascam CD, DAT and cassette players, 
a Proton 3l-inch stereo TV, a Mit- 
subishi S-VHS VCR and a pair of 
amazing B&W 803 Series II loud- 
speakers. We also carry Sony Playsta- 
tion, Sega Saturn and 3DO game sys- 
tems and an RCA DSS satellite system. 
"The whole thing cost about $12,000— 
excessive, but worth it.” 

Paddy Moloney (Chieftains): “I get 
me best compositional ideas for an al- 
bum track or movie theme while walk- 
ing down a road or sitting on an air- 
plane. Being an old-fashioned guy, I 
used to grab a piece of scrap paper or 
an airsickness bag to scribble down the 
idea. But Гус finally gotten smart and 
invested in tape recorders that I can 
hum into. My walking machine, a 
Sony TCS-580V cassette recorder, has 
stereo mikes and a speaker on it, so 1 
don't have to listen to the playback on 


headphones. The other machine is an 
Olympus Pearlcorder. I use it on air- 
planes, because the microphone is 
very sensitive. You can hum something 
into it at a low volume and it repro- 
duces tremendously." 

Carl Querfurth (Roomful of 
Blues): "We're on the road a lot so we 
have a good sound system on the bus, 
with CD and cassette, Bose 901 speak- 
ers and a Harman Kardon A300 tube 
amp. We use a Sota Deluxe 78/45/33- 
speed turntable when the bus is 
parked. There's nothing like a good 78 

played through a vintage 
amp, and the aging Harman 
Kardon has a warm sound 
to it.” 
Joey Ramone (Ramones): 
“Rock and roll is about 
perfections—that's why I stil 
prefer analog. I think my 
Sony Sports Walkman has 
the truest sound of any Гус 
heard. I listen to it with these 
cool yellow-and-black Sony 
turbodrive bud headphones 
that I got in Japan. This 
Walkman is definitely shock- 
resistant. l've bounced and 
caught it like a Duncan yo-yo 
and it still plays.” 
Jim “Soni” Sonefeld (Hootie & 
the Blowfish): “The thing we've used 
the most is our Sony 8mm video cas- 
sette recorder. We have a cool collec- 
tion of stuff on video that we did last 
year—wild partying in Paris, the Fair- 
way to Heaven ҮНІ golf tournament, 
Darius Rucker singing at the first game. 
of the World Series, playing with Al 
Green at the Billboard Awards, doing 
Neil Young's Bridge School benefit 
and the Sinatra gala. And we always 
had it in the studio in San Rafael, 
where we were recording our new 
album." 

Pam Tillis: “I held up work on my 
recent album All of This Love so I could 
apply the new high-definition compat- 
ible disc mastering process. I'm the 
first person in Nashville with a Rotel 
RCD-990 HDCD player. Using HDCD 
improves the performance of a disc on. 
any CD player, and the disc sounds 
even better when it’s played on an 
HDCD model." 

Bob Weir (Grateful Dead and Rat- 
dog): Weir credits much of the high- 
fidelity impact of the Grateful Dead's 
live performances to the loudspeakers 
of John Meyer, an acoustics physicist їп 
Berkeley "who I first met up with 15 
years ago at an Audio Enginecring So- 
сїегу convention. He's a real speaker 
guru. I've installed a pair of Mcyer's 
bi-amped, HD-2s in my living room 
that are really accurate and natural 
sounding.” — JONATHAN TAKIFF 


луу h 
ONA 
(continued from page 88) 
tial for double duty is top-notch. It en- 
compasses seven speakers—three identi- 
cal left, right and center models, two 
subwoofers (designed so the left and 
right speakers can be placed on top of 
them) and two triangular surround 
speakers with separate drivers on each 
side, which create a radiant feel. The en- 
tire speaker set goes for about $7000. 

Once you've wed the ideal AV receiver 
to your choice of speakers, consider ac- 
quiring a CD jukebox (they're also called 
mega CD changers). Sony initiated the 
category a few years ago with the first 
100-disc changer. Come fall, the compa- 
ny will offer a model that stores 200 
discs—the largest mega CD changer to 
date. In the meantime, Technics has 
come out with a 111-disc model with a 
connection that allows you to hook up an 
1BM-compatible computer keyboard to 
assign 14-character names to your discs. 
Select CD number 94 and "R.E.M.'s 
Green," for example, will scroll across 
the front-panel display. The $500 SL- 
MC700 also allows you to program up to 
32 tracks for playback and to organize 
your CD collection by musical genres, as 
well as by special categories. 

Other mega CD changers are available 
from Pioneer (you can link up to three of 
its 100-disc models), Aiwa and JVC. 
Each is priced at less than $1000. JVC 
has developed a particularly innovative 
system that consists of a receiver which is 
placed with other home theater compo- 
nents and a separate 100-disc changer 
that can be stored in a closet. 

Connect any one of these jukeboxes to 
Pioneer's recordable compact disc player 
and you can make excellent compilation 
CDs from your collection. This single- 
disc PDR-05 sells for under $2000 and 
records on blank 60-minute compact 
discs priced around $20 each. 

And to operate all these gadgets— 
without juggling a slew of remotes— 
check out Sony's RM-V21 ($30). This 
universal remote control rests vertically 
in a tabletop stand, ready for action. It's 
preprogrammed with codes for most 
major brands and even features a key- 
pad with backlit buttons for easy surfing 
late at night. And speaking of late-night 
surfing, you can let your partner sleep in 
peace with Sennheiser's IS 850 head- 
phones (about $1400). This digital in- 
frared model lets you listen within a 400- 
foot radius of the column-shaped base 
station. Headphones such as these are 
also a great way to take advantage of the 
picture-and-picture function found on 
new TV sets by Sony, JVC and others. 
Picture-and-picture allows you to watch 
two programs simultaneously—one 
plays through your speakers and the 
other through your headphones. 


N 
Ме): 


me 
КТШ 


"We hope youl ask for a Jack Damel' sometime soon. You wort be disappointed. 


THE LABEL on a bottle of Jack Daniel's Whiskey 
is for folks who aren't too impressed by labels. 


Our label has always lacked color, dating го when 
Jack Daniel sold whiskey in the crocks up above. 
You see, our founder said what went in his 

bottle was more important than what 
went on it. And we still say that at 
our Tennessee distillery today. If your 
interest lies in a truly smooth sippin 
whiskey, we recommend Jack Daniel's. 
But if you like colorful labels, well, 
there's no shortage of brands to 
pick from. 


SMOOTH SIPPIN' 
AC EIS SUE SSE WY Tali sila yy 


Tennessee Whiskey = 40-435 alcohol by volume (80-86 proof) • Distilled and Bottled by 
Jack Danie! Distillery, Lem Motlow, Proprietor, Route 1. Lynchburg (Pop 361), Tennessee 37352 


Placed in the National Register of Historic Places by the United States Government 163 


PLAYBOY 


164 


MEDIA 


(continued from page 18) 
powerful airheads, not powerless wom- 
en. For instance, Liza despises getting 
hot-coffee enemas as part of sex play 
with her boyfriend of two years, restau- 
rateur George Santo Pietro (who later 
married Vanna White). You can't much 
blame her, of course, since it's hard to 
figure what the upside might be of a cof- 
fee enema. However, she endures them 
and then writes, "It wasn't these hot-cof- 
{се enemas that drove us apart." No, it 
turns out that the real problem was that 
Santo Pietro was cheating on her. Hello? 
Coffee enemas are OK, but infidelity is а 
problem? 

If stupidity is one of the culprits, 
drugs are clearly another. These girls 
snort enough cocaine to allow a Colom- 
bian drug lord to take early retirement, 
and it's because of drug use— not prosti- 
tution—that this book has its gothic mo- 
ments. When bad things happen to these 
women—and bad things do—you can 
pretty much be sure a line of coke or a 
bottle of quaaludes is nearby. 

The drug use is so rampant, the stu- 
pidity so continual and the star-fucking 
so blatant, these women can't engender 


sympathy even when they deserve it. 
One of the book's most disturbing scenes 
involves Tiffany's descent into sado- 
masochism with producer Don Simpson 
Looked at as a single episode, it's a hor- 
rendous experience. Within the context 
of the book, it becomes, sadly, just anoth- 
er boncheaded move by a drug-addled 
hooker, someone who by that point in 
time had enough experience to know 
better and to seek help. 

Because the book dishes real names 
and talks dirty—and has the imprimatur 
of Steinem—it packed an enormous PR 
wallop when it was released. The myth 
became even bigger when Simpson died 
at the age of 52, in his bathroom, read- 
ing a book. The name of that book? The 
rumor mill claimed it was You'll Never 
Make Love in This Town Again. Upon see- 
ing himself exposed as a sadomasochist, 
his heart simply stopped beating. 

It makes for a good story, unless 
you've read the book. No one who has 
made it all the way through You'll Never 
Make Love would think this book could 
embarrass anyone to death. If that were 
true, Simpson would still be alive and 
the authors would be dead. 


“May already! We'll never get to Bethlehem with 
all these cigarette breaks!" 


FRIENDS 


(continued from page 60) 

Then what? Do you experience a higher 
level of anxiely when you move into the gener- 
al population? 

You have difficulty getting into rela- 
tionships. In college it's easy to meet 
people. In the real world, you can't say, 
"What's your major?" You have to find a 
new group. Even in New York, I find it's 
easier to be part of one circle that’s con- 
nected to others. 

How present is the threat of AIDS? Do you 
know heterosexuals who got AIDS? 

I don't hear of heterosexuals who are 
HIV-positive other than those the media 
has brought to our attention: Allison 
Gertz, Ryan White, Magic Johnson. Per- 
sonally, the people 1 know who are HIV- 
positive contracted HIV through sex 
with a gay man, not through heterosex- 
ual sex. I don’t know anyone who has 
contracted it through needles, either, 
but that says more about my social circle 
than anything else. Most middle-class 
20-somethings fall in the same category. 
They get HIV through sex with a gay 
man. But everyone I know—everyone— 
says they are afraid of getting AIDS. And 
they still don't understand that it's not 
that easy to get. I am asked, “Can I get it 
from kissing?" Or, “Can I get it easily if I 
go down on a woman?” Things they 
should be able to understand, they still 
don't understand. And this comes from a 
generation that had AIDS education in 
school! They've heard the answers. 

But they want constant reassurance? 

Exactly. Most of their school districts 
had AIDS education. They have heard 
the scare tactics, but they're just not con- 
scious of the answers. However, they are 
afraid. A small percentage always uses 
condoms, some never do and most use 
them except when neither partner has 
one. Or they use them at first but stop 
because they're sure they can trust each 
other—until they find out one of them 
has cheated. 

How about the AIDS test? Has it become 
a dating ritual? 

Absolutely. Most 20-somethings who 
want a committed, monogamous rela- 
tionship will convince their lover to get 
tested. Or they'll get tested together. But 
most of the people who get the test are at 
so little risk. I've talked with women in 
college who have had sex with only two 
men—with condoms—but they still wor- 
ry enough to get tested. And that's fine. 
If they want reassurance, fine. It's an in- 
expensive test. But they don't realize 
they have to wait six months—using con- 
doms throughout—and get tested again 
to make sure they don't have it. This 
generation wants to stop using condoms 
in relationships. Most I've talked to have 
had sex with and without. 

When you say it's hard to use a condom, do 
you speak from experience? 

Asa sex educator, I don't just say, "Use 


a condom every single time." I tell peo- 
ple tips I've learned about how to have 
more fun with condoms. A man is much 
more willing to use a condom if he's pre- 
sented with it in an enjoyable way. Little 
tricks like putting lubricant inside the 
condom. When I tell men about it they 
say, "Now that you mention it, gee, a 
condom might feel better with lubri- 
cant." I mean the men I teach in work- 
shops. In my book 1 teach women to put 
condoms on with their mouths. Those 
are things that can help people my age. 

Does having sex without a condom sound 
like more fun lo you than with a condom? Or 
would that cause more anxiety? 

I value my sexual health as I value my 
general health. The only way to have sex 
that's safe is to use a condom. Those аге 
my personal values. 

Do you look forward to the day when you 
don't have to use a condom? 

Actually, I don't think about it in terms 
like that. Thats interesting. I don't 
know. I've been thinking and talking 
about this since 1988. But most people 
my age resent using condoms because 
we feel we were promised a sexual revo- 
lution we never got. They use them be- 
cause it's a fact of life, it's a normal func- 
Чоп of having sex. The issues that I 
personally deal with have more to do 
with relationships than they do with sex- 
ual intercourse. 

Would you ever date a sex educator? 

I would not be interested in a guy in 
this field. I'm more compatible with peo- 
ple in other industries—say, movie stars. 
Who wants a sex educator when you can 
date a movie star? Except for people who 
want to date me. 

You want 10 name names? 

Not yet. In the past few months I've 
dated movie stars, students, doctors, 
lawyers, T V people, writers. That's kind 
of a lot of people, isn't it? [Laughs] But 
it’s just dating. Once I find someone 
great I'll commit to him. I need someone 
strong and successful who can deal with 
all that I've accomplished. I'm tradition- 
al—I want a farm and puppies and kids 
and marriage. I hope ГЇЇ have marriage 
first. But there's no chance of my getting 
pregnant right now when I'm single be- 
cause I, uh, am not having sex now. 

Why is that? 

1 can't have sex while I'm dating ай 
these people, so 1 abstain. It would prob- 
ably be too confusing: "Who's this inside. 
me now?" 

Is anyone having good sex? 

Sure, plenty of people are having 
good sex. I think, though, they want to 
have mind-blowing sex, to take it a step 
further. Most 20-year-olds have prob- 
lems with not knowing or not feeling 
comfortable with their bodies. Body-im- 
age problems are so pervasive. The sex- 
ual prowess of a young guy—how much 
fun he will have in bed—is tied up with 
how big he thinks his penis looks to his 
new partner. When a couple is naked 


GIRLS! 


Eric Webers world 
famous classic. Over 2 
million copies in print. 
Translated into over 20 
languages. Fealurin 

interviews with 2 

beautiful girls. They tell 
you exactly what it takes 
to pick them up. Learn: How to make shyness 
work for you. Best places to meet girls. 50 great 
opening lines. World's greatest pickup. 
technique. How to get women to approach you! 
HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS is not available in 
bookstores. To order send only 51995 plus 
$5.00 shipping. VISA/MC/AMEX accepted. See 
address below. 


HOW TO 
TALK TO 
WOMEN 


Do you get tongue-tied 
around attractive women? 
World famous author Eric 
Weber is here to help with 
a 90 minute audio cassette 
of his acclaimed New York 
Cily Course. You will 
learn: How to "break the 


WOMEN" send only $23.95 plus $5 shipping to: 


ісе”; How to make a woman feel loved; Why the 
most beautiful women are easiest to meet; 
Conversation openers that don't sound corny; 
Places where women always out number men; And 
so much more! To order "HOW TO TALK TO 


MAKE 
WOMEN 
WANT YOU 
VIDEO! 


You don't have to be gooc- 
looking to make women 
hot for you. What turns 
them on is so mind- 
opening, so available to the 
average guy, you'll soon be 


having women like models 
and actresses. Sm попу Press hit the streets to 
videotape the hottest women in New York City. They 
share with you their most intimate desires. You 
learn: Compliments that make her want you; Why 
10 call her late at night; How to become part of her 
fantasy life; How to make her laugh; And much 
much, more! To order this great videotape, sen 
only $29.95 plus $5 shipping to the address below. 


WIN WITH 
WOMEN! 


Most men think they'll \ 
have to undergo a major 
personality overhaul to be 
Successful with women. 
Yet all it takes is a 5% 
increase in guts. And this 
extraordinary new book 
will show you exactly how 
to unleash your natural 
confidence. Soon you'll be: 
Transforming platonic relationships into sizzling 
romances; Dressing with sex appeal: Standing 
out from the crowd of ordinary men; And much, 
much more. To order "HOW TO WIN THE 
WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS” send only $19.95 
plus $5 shipping to: 


SYMPHONY PRESS INC., Dept. PB46, Box 105, 24 W. Railroad Ave., Tenafly, N.J. 07670 
MC/VISA/AMEX CALL 24 HRS A DAY 1-800-631-2560 
SAVE 545! ALL 4 ITEMS ONLY $68.75 (SHIPPING FREE) MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE! 


ORDER TOLL-FREE 
800 -423-9494 


Charge to your Visa, MasterCard, American Express 
or Discover. Most orders shipped within 48 hours. 
(Source code: 60060) 


Also available at your local video and mu 


PLAYBOYY 


HOT 
LATIN LADIES 
VIDEO 


599% 


Hem ELI699V 


Hot doesn't even begin to 
describe Playmates Maria 
Checa, Samantha Torres 
and Stacy Sanches as they 
show off their au naturel appeal in playful 
nude sequences. Plus, enjoy a collection of 
breathtaking international beauties from 
Brazil, Colombia, Mexico, Peru, Spain and 
the Dominican Republic. Get ready to 
savor some spicy fun! Approx. 55 min. 


ORDER BY MAIL 


Use your credit card and be sure to include your 
account number and expiration date. Or endose 

a check or money order payable to Playboy. 

Mail to Playboy, PO. Box 809, Dept. 60060, ltasca, 
llinois 60143-0809. 

There ls a $4.00 shipping and handling charge per total order. 
Minots residents include 6.35% sales tax. Canadian residents 
please Include an additional $3.00 per video, Sorry ne other 
foreign order or currency accepted. 


stores, 


PLAYBOY 


166 


together for the first time, they are very 
evolved if they do not wonder, How shall 
1 roll over so he or she doesn't notice 
my butt? 

Is this because they see themselves as being 
part of a movie? 

Part of it is the impact of the media, 
the impact of seeing perfect images of 
bodies. Or we can talk about ads if you 
want. You could say it's the diet industry. 
or the billions spent on exercise. 

Is that a major issue—how they look? 

Yes. Developmentally, their bodies are 
still new. They're getting used to sex 
with those bodies. Let’s say they started 
having sex when they were 15, 16, 17. 

Is that the normal age? 

Sure, 16 is the average. Fifty percent 
have had sex by age 16. Their bodies are 
not fully developed. Let's say they have 
sex throughout college. They've started 
to understand their bodies fairly well by 
the time they're 20. By their early 206 it's 
the first time they feel stuck in those 
bodies or notice they're gaining weight. 
"They find they need some upkeep to 
have a body that looks at all like the me- 
dia images. And you can't enjoy sex until 
you feel comfortable with your body. 

Is this a big postcollege thing? Do they see 
themselves rolling around in the swf on 
“Baywatch”? 

1 think more Friends, Melrose Place. 
Those are the age groups of TV charac- 
ters I think about. We call my TV show a 
reality version of Friends because people 
sit around talking. But on Friends they 
never talk about body image because 


they have perfect bodies. And they al- 
ways talk about body image with me on 
my TV show. 

What about women in their 20s who admire 
how their female friends look and worry, 
"Hey, do I want to have sex with her?" 

It's common for a woman in her 20s to 
experiment with another woman, very 
common. Many women want to try les- 
bianism because they feel an attraction 
for women. And that's because of the 
prevalence of erotic images of women — 
like in PLAYBOY. The images of women in 
our society are so beautiful, it’s so casy 
for a woman to look and say, "She's so 
beautiful. I can see myself with her sexu- 
ally. But I'm not gay.” Compare that with 
a man looking at images of men. 

Like Antonio Banderas? 

Yeah. He played bisexual characters in 
those Almodóvar movies: Law of Desire, 
Matador—the old ones before Women on 
the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown was a hit. 
When men look at a sex symbol like him 
they don’t think, Hey, I can be sexual 
with him. Instead, they think, Hey, is he 
gay? He did play a gay guy. Then they 
think, I can't be turned on by a gay guy. 
They don't know whether these stars are 
gay or straight so they won't let them- 
selves feel attracted, while a woman is 
able to feel attracted to a female sex sym- 
bol. That's the new sexuality, the new 
sexual orientation women have adopted. 
“Tm not bisexual but sometimes I like to 
experiment with women because I find 
them attractive.” I think that has to do 
with images. By now we know that men 


“Listen carefully, fuckface. This next one’s a trick question 
that will tell us how well you handle stress.” 


and women—not just men—are turned 
on by sexual images. And 20-somethings 
are well aware of it. 

Are women fooled by their feelings because 
everything is sexually charged? Or do they 
think, Well, sex with a woman might be nice? 

Sometimes they do it because their 
boyfriend wants to have sex with anoth- 
ег woman—it's almost never another 
guy. What the women don't stop to con- 
sider is that not only will they have a 
threesome but they're also going to have. 
sex with a woman for the first time. Of- 
ten that's the way a woman is introduced 
to sex with another woman. 

If two women are with one guy, who says the 
women have to touch each other? 

Last wcck on my TV show, three or 
four out of the six guys said they had 
threesomes. One of them, an absolutely 
adorable guy, 25, said he didn't like his 
threesome because he was an accessory. I 
hear that so much. 

Doesn't someone always get left ощ? 

Yeah, but again, the women are exper- 
imenting with bisexuality. They have a 
guy present so ıhey don't feel like les- 
bians. It's very prevalent. 

It's not like it’s a chance for the guy to fuck 
around—with his girlfriend's approval? 

"There's so much less of that today. It's 
more a way for a woman to experiment 
with another woman than a way for a 
guy to cheat. I hear far more stories of 
threesomes that go wrong because the 
guy feels left out than a woman who feels 
hurt because the guy is cheating. 

Are we loosening up about cheating? 

What I hear from women is “1 want to 
stay with my boyfriend even though he's 
cheating." It's a sad fact. 

Toys, role-playing, videos—there are many 
sexual treats out there. What kind of an im- 
pact do they have? 

Phone sex is fun. The big question is, 
“How do you know the other person got 
offand wasn't acting?" Still, people enjoy 
it if they do it well. We're bored with this 
talk of cybersex—t hear that all the time. 
Sex online is just like phone sex—except 
its easier because you have more time to 
think before you type. They say they're 
bored with CD-ROMs. They'd rather 
lock at videos. I think we are jaded be- 
cause we have looked at more sexually 
explicit material than any other репега- 
tion. No other generation saw S&M ex- 
posed the way we have. Yet it's still only a 
turn-on for the few who like to do it or 
who just have a leather fetish. 

Isn't it а big trend for people to say they 
have tried everything once? 

Well, I think as far as anal sex, some 
people say that's a forbidden area. But 1 
get lots of questions about it. It seems 
like a lot of people are enjoying it. One 
guy on my show said the best oral sex he 
ever got was when a woman started ex- 
ploring his anus with her finger and 
tongue. He was shocked, but then he re- 
alized how good it felt and got over 
the inhibition. As Funkadelic George 


Clinton said, "Free your mind and your 
ass will follow." 

Will a woman your age talk with another 
woman this graphically about anal sex? 

"They will talk about it far more casual- 
ly than a man. If a woman is anally liber- 
ated her friends take it to mean she's 
comfortable with her body. Unless the 
friend says, “That's disgusting, I never 
do that." But ifa man expresses that he's 
anally liberated, his friends will say, “Oh, 
you want guys to do that to you? What 
are you, gay?" There's much more fear 
for men. 

How popular are porn tapes? 

Recently, 1 did a show with six guys 
and I asked, "Who masturbates to porn 
videos?" All of them said they did. I 
think couples do that also—some cou- 
ples act out sex in front of videos, some 
couples just watch. The only problem is 
when the sex scene ends and you're not 
done. Next thing you know you're 
watching two guys fully dressed on a 
cheesy set, and you don't know what 
they are talking about because, of 
course, you haven't followed the plot. I 
recommend that you preview the movie 
quickly first. 

Are MTV or B movies with nudity sexier 
than porn? 

I think more people get aroused see- 
ing sex. But there are still some women 
who like romance and the seduction of 
seeing something that hints of sex. 

Which group are you in? 

I'm in an interesting category. When 
I'm in my office looking at a porn maga- 
zine or looking at a porn video, it doesn't 
even occur to me to get turned on. It's 
just work. You know? 

Vell, ГЇЇ be surprised if there's not one in- 
age Ihat doesn't catch my attention. Do you get 
turned on by erotic images? 

I don't like to get into my personal life. 
That's where I tend to stop. I mean, if 
I'm looking at a piece of erotica in my 
bedroom, ГІ feel turned on. If that same 
piece is in my office, I won't. That's how 
I've integrated this career with my life. If 
you come to my office at home you will 
notice that the door to my bedroom is 
shut. I don’t let reporters into my bed- 
room and I don't get turned on by my 
work. But sure, I can get turned on by 
anything that's erotic to me. 

How can you treat erotica so conditionally? 

If I'm hosting my show and my guests 
are six totally gorgeous, single guys talk- 
ing about sex and telling erotic stories, 
there is no way I would hook up with 
one of them. But if I'm at a club with a 
friend and I meet a gorgeous single guy 
and he tells me an erotic story, sure I'm 
going to get turned on. It's the context. 

That seems reasonable. Who do you give. 
more advice to, women or men? 

Split. 50-50. Difierent advice. Women 
ask for emotional advice. Guys say, ^I like 
sleeping with my ex, but I don't know if 
it's a good idea." 

Guys ask their friends, “Did she swallow?” 


What do women say? 

A woman knows a guy wants to be 
swallowed so he'll feel more psychologi- 
cal acceptance. 

He likes it because it feels betler. 

Or because he might think it feels bet- 
ter. I’m sorry—because it feels better. So 
she's thinking, Should I swallow to make 
him feel better? But at the same time, as 
she's thrusting her head up and down 
on his penis, she is also thinking, Am I 
morc at risk of HIV if 1 swallow? Am I 
going to gag and vomit on him? The 
next day, she might say to her friend, 
“Last night I swallowed. Am I going to 
get AIDS?" 

How about, “I wonder when this guy's 
going to eat me out?” 


A lot of young women feel insecure 
about a man performing oral sex on 
them because they're afraid he's not go- 
ing to like the smell or the taste. They 
feel self-conscious in totally letting go. 

Is it a big deal for а young woman to go out 
and buy a G-string? 

No, it's not. Some women don't like 
the way their butts look so they don't 
wear them. They might buy onc or lin- 
gerie that's cut out if the guy wants them 
to. Turnoffs to women: Guys who are out 
of college who wear boxers with their 
college emblem and guys who wear plain 
white cotton briefs, though Calvins are 
OK. If a woman cares about how she 
looks sexually, she wants some recip- 
rocation from the man. Sexy lingerie 


"Very well, Jennings, you may remove the chair." 


PLAYBOY 


168 


has been so integrated in our culture 
through the Victoria's Secret catalog. 
Women don't think it's a big deal unless 
they feel pressure. 

How conversant are the people you know 
about sex toys? 

T've held up dildos in front of 400 peo- 
ple in universities. 1 have seen some 
shocked faces while others say, "Where's 
the studded dildo? Where's the one that 
looks like a dolphin?” At school, when 
someone says she's unable to have an or- 
gasm, she's told a vibrator will help. 
There's that sharing of information. 

How does that work? 

I was once approached after a lecture 
by two 19-year-olds. Sue had never had 
an orgasm. Her friend Ellen told her to 
use a vibrator. Sue went to a store and 
asked, "What's the best vibrator?” “The 
Hitachi Magic Wand.” Sue used it and 
had orgasms with it. They wanted to 
know if you could get addicted to a vi- 
brator. I told Sue she was relying too 
much on the vibrator and to go cold 


turkey. “Learn to use your hand,” I said. 
She pouted but said she'd try. 

The Hitachi Magic Wand is a mythic de- 
vice, isn't it? 

Any 20-something woman who knows 
anything about vibrators knows about 
the Hitachi Magic Wand. It’s the best- 
seller and you can buy attachments. 

What are seme common fantasies for people 
in their 20s? 

Exotic locations, oh my God, exotic lo- 
cations are huge. They want to do more. 
They're doing it in the office, in the ele- 
vator, in the plane, the park, the bar. 

The danger is exciting? 

They don't do it in a public place to 
see if they get caught. It's more the feel- 
ing of, "We can have sex. Let's conquer 
the world with sex. Let's do it every- 
where we can." And it's a great, celebra- 
tory feeling. 

What do you think of other sex educators, 
such as Dr. Ruth, say, or Dr. Judy Kuriansky? 

A lot of sex educators have overblown 
images. Dr. Ruth has become a carica- 


"In this hospital, Miss Jackson, when 
we prep a patient for surgery, we don't comment on. 
the size of his penis." 


ture of herself. Dr. Kuriansky went on 
Ricki Lake dressed like a referee. It's like, 
wait a minute, we're talking about sex. 
Why nct just be yourself? 

In your book you say your friends at college 
got politicized about sex. 

We have to get rid of sexual politics. 
Even PLAYBOY is falling victim to the 
politicization of sex. Once, a magazine 
about sex was about human relation- 
ships. Now there's so much politics laced 
through the Playboy Forum. 

That's our platform for our political issues. 
What else would we put there? 

T think it's unfortunate that politics is 
so much in the fore. I resent feminists 
from the Seventies and Fighties who said 
the personal is political. 

Beyond the headlines, do you think what 
they say has actually affected how people date 
or fall in love? 

Oh gosh, it does. A woman goes out on 
a date and thinks, I don't know if I 
should invite him back to my room be- 
cause he might rape me, instead of 
thinking, I don't knov if I should invite 
him back to my room because 1 don't 
know if I like him enough. Or, If I fool 
around I don't know if I can express 
how much I do or don't want him. 

Wait a minute. Aside from ils current polit- 
ical context, can't you see how date rape can 
be a practical subjed? 

No, no, no! Talk about dating! Not 
date rape! Dating is a sensible subject. 
"They don't talk about it. All they talk 
about is the politics of date rape. Their 
talk shouldn't be in the context of rape, 
it should be in the context of dating. 
This generation thinks in terms of poli- 
tics first. When a woman is in college, 
she is exposed to the pro-choice versus 
pro-life debate. But when she goes out 
into the real world, if she gets pregnant, 
she is at a total loss. So I teach college 
students hov to deal with personal, emo- 
tional issues because they have no clue. 

Are they that clueless? Don't their friends 
have any ansuers? 

To politics! Women in their early 20s 
who get pregnant say to me, "I never 
thought about this. I'm pro-choice.” I 
say, “Yes, but do you want to keep your 
baby or have an abortion?” They've nev- 
er thought about it. 

Is it so unusual to support a woman's right 
to choose and at the same time not want lo 
have an abortion? 

They spend four years at an institu- 
tion where all they learn to do is talk 
about sex in a pretentious way. They 
don't know how to deal with people on a 
date. They don't know how to make сіс- 
cisions about sex. They don't want to use 
a condom, but they don't know what to 
do about disease. That's why I get so an- 
gry. We have to stop the sexual politics 
and learn to talk about practical issues. 


About pleasure. About fucking. 


ON-THE-SCENE 


SMART SHOOTERS 


t's about the most innovative development in cameras since the ега, for example, you can change the aspect ratio of photos from 
single-lens reflex. That's right—a new film format. Developed standard to wide to panoramic with each shot. You can also re- 
by a consortium of industry leaders, including Kodak, Fujifilm, move film in the middle of a roll (say, to switch from black and 
Minolta and Nikon, Advanced Photo System combines pocket- — white to color). But best of all, APS film features a magnetic strip. 
size cameras similar to 35mm automatics with a new 24mm film that records digital info related to lighting conditions, allowing pro- 
that's packed with smart conveniences. When using an APS cam- cessing equipment to adjust automatically for better-looking prints. 


Information Exchange, another APS advantage, lets you print the date and time on the back of a photo. It also allows you to choose print quan- 


high-end APS cameras such as Fujifilm's Endeavor 300 Zoom APS camera 


tities in advance of processing and more. This feature is available i 
and Kodak's Advantix 3700ix (pictured, left to right). The former also offers a 30mm to 90mm zoom, autofocus, a multiprogrammed flash and 
red-eye reduction (about $300), while the latter combines a 24mm 13.6 lens, autofocus and a flip-up flash ($195). Film prices start at $4.50. 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


170 


GRAPEVIN 


The Horns 
оға 
Dilemma 
What to call 
TRICKY's music— 
British dance- 
hall, trip-hop, 
ambient? No 
matter, his first. 
CD, Maxinquaye, 
took on the slow 
groove. He's now 
writing new ma- 
terial to get out 
another album 
by fall. 


Water 
Nymph 

LAUREL likes to go 
by one name. Fea- 
tured on cable's 
Red Shoe Diaries, 
on video in tove- 
bites and on 
Playboy TV, Laurel is 
definitely swim- 
ming upstream. 


Petty Girl 
LORI PETTY has played tomboys in Point Break, A 
League of Their Own and Tank Girl. But when she 
goes out to party, her outfits speak in more womanly 

tones. Lucky for us. 


Good, Better, Best 
BETTER THAN EZRA's album Deluxe went platinum, and Rosealia is а 
Hot 100 single. The band is back in the studio, working on a follow-up 
that's due out in September. Let Ezra try to top that. 


To Thai For 
PATCHAREE is from 
Thailand. She has 
already graced Bay- 
watch, Baywatch 
Nights and the Rock 
World '95 video. 
She graces this 
body of water, 
too. Amen. 


Let's Stay Together 
AL GREEN and ARETHA FRANKLIN sang a duet that 
rocked the house at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 
opening. Al is touring off his Your Heart’s in Good 
Hands CD and Aretha is soaring on the Waiting to Ex- 
hale soundtrack. Neither needs breathing lessons. 


Our Choice for Rock 

The critics and fans agree: Gram- 
my nominee JOAN OSBORNE's 
bluesy growl is something 
worth hearing. Her debut, 
Relish, sold more than a 
million copies. 


POTPOURRI 


POWER PLAY 


According to its manufacturer, Playcare, Inc., 
the С. Gordon Liddy's Hardball Politics '96 
board game "is so rotten, vile and ruthless that, 
until now, only politicians would play it." In a 
presidential race, players have the choice of 
taking the high road and running a clean cam- 
paign or using power, influence and dirty tricks 
to acquire votes and win the election. Playing 
pieces are modeled after Messrs. Clinton, Dole 
and others. Price: $29.95; call 800-731-GAME. 


a 


PLAYING THROUGH WITH THE GRATEFUL DEAD 


Ме don't know how many Deadheads golf, but those who don't 
may want to take up the sport. Custom-made golf bags with the 
Grateful Dead's signature dancing skeletons are now available for 
$895 from a company called Limit Dead Editions, while a set of 
13 Grateful Dead golf clubs sells for $1850. Plus, there are Danc- 
ing Bear golf balls ($15 a half dozen) and club covers ($45 for 
three). And for a cool day on the links, Limit Dead Editions offers 
ALL SHOOK UP a numbered-series black leather-and-wool varsity jacket ($298) 
We know that James Bond prefers his martinis emblazoned with the words GRATEFUL DEAD FOREVER and that fa- 
Елес an itc (Sire е iterato mous skull with roses. Phone 954-351-6840 to order. 


perfect vessels in which to make and serve a 
vesper (Ian Fleming's name for the Bond mar- 
tini, which is made with gin, vodka and Lillet), 
check with C.C. Purdy and Co. in Evanston, 
Illinois. Its classic nine-ounce martini glass sells 
in sets of four for $29. The stainless steel Ital- 
ian-designed cocktail shaker that's also pictured 
here is $78. Call 800-449-0556 to order. 


RECIPES FOR 
ROMANCE 


"Every recipe is tested 
twice in the kitchen and 
once in the bedroom" is 
how the Cooking Couple, 
Michael and Ellen Albert- 
son, describe the contents 
of their book Food as Fore- 
play. With chapter titles 
that include “Champagne 
Saturday," "Caveman's De- 
light," "Lobster Love Af- 
fair" and “Сооеу, Drippy, 
Slurpy” (no forks allowed), 
your biggest problem may 
be deciding who has to get 
out of bed to do the dish- 
es. There are also 
recipes for the perfect. 
mimosa and rumrun- 
ner. On the same page 
with the latter are easy-to- 
follow footprints that show 
how to do the samba. Sure 
you will. The book is avail- 
able in stores for $14.95, 
or call 800-247-6553. 


TEATIME ON CLOUD NINE 


Cloud Nine, the candy company that of 
fers confections that contain no dairy 
products or rcfincd sugar, has introduced 
anew treat—Green Леа Crisp. “I came 
up with the idea because I love green tea 
ice cream,” says Josh Taylor, chief execu- 
tive of Cloud Nine. Chocolatier magazine 
calls Green Tea Crisp “the most sophisti- 
cated piece of chocolate ever made by 


Cloud Nine-" Price: about $2.50. 


AND THREE TO GO 
Hack'd, "the magazine for and about side- 
carists," is devoted to three-wheel motor- 
cydes. "What other vehicle can safely 
make a 180-degree turn in the width of 
one lane and maintain a speed of 35 
mph?" asks Jim Dodson, the editor of 
Hack'd, adding that "you can't be a side- 
carist and an introvert." A subscription 
(four issues) is $29 sent to PO. Box 813, 
Buckhannon, West Virginia 26201. 


BUNNY AND BETTIE 
TOGETHER AGAIN 


Bunny Yeager, the extraordi- 
nary pin-up photographer pic- 
tured near right, has just pub- 
lished Bunny Yeager's Foto File, a 
50-page catalog containing 170 
black-and-white photos of Веше 
Page. The photos, which were 
taken by Yeager in 1954 and 
1955, are available as museum- 
quality prints in sizes ranging 
from 8" x 10" ($200) to 20" x 24" 
($750). Black-and-white 16" x 
20" posters of Bettie in stockings 
and black lace, in a jungle set- 
ting and in the surfare $10 
Such a deal. To receive the cata- 
log, send $9 to Yeager at 9301 
NE Sixth Avenue, Suite C-311, 
Miami, Florida 33138. 


ALL THAT JAZZ 


Davidoff of Geneva, the popular purveyor of cigars, lighters and 
other elegant tobacconalia, now sells a CD titled Savor the Flavor 
of All That Jazz, which is as smooth and mellow as the company's 
best smokes. Included in the 12 cuts arc Louis Armstrong's ren- 
dition of Just One of Those Things, Billie Holiday singing Autumn in 
New York, Sarah Vaughn's take on Lullaby of Birdland and Count 
Basie's April in Paris. Price: $21. Call 800-328-4365. 


HUNG UP ON MICKEY 


Mickey & Co., the manufacturer 
of adult Disney products such as 
fountain pens, key rings, money 
clips, ties, stud sets and the 
handsome wristwatch featured 
in December's PLAYBOY, has 
come up with several new items 
of male apparel that aren't Mick- 
ey Mouse. Silk sleepwear goes 
оп sale this spring at major retail 
outlets, including Macy's, 
JCPenney, Belks and Dillard's, 
priced about $22 for boxer 
shorts and $32 for lounging 
pants. A one-size-fits-most silk 
robe sells for a mere $75. Can 
an elegant Mickey Mouse smok- 
ing jacket be far behind? 


174 


NEXT MONTH 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 


THE DEVILS OF DON SIMPSON—NO HOLLYWOOD PRO- 
DUCER LIVED AS LARGE AS DON SIMPSON. HIS FRIENDS 
WERE RICH AND FAMOUS, HIS SUCCESSES WERE PHE- 
NOMENAL. UNFORTUNATELY, SO WERE HIS EXCESSES, 
WHICH MAY EXPLAIN WHY HE DIED AT THE AGE OF 52. A 
TALE OF AGONY AND ECSTASY BY BERNARD WEINRAUB 


PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF JAZZ & ROCK: THE EIGHTIES — 
MADONNA GETS MATERIAL, GRUNGE GOES NATIONAL AND 
RAPPERS SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. PART NINE IN A SE- 
RIES BY DAVID STANDISH 


A MAN'S GUIDE TO “MELROSE PLACE"—PETER WON'T 
REST UNTIL HE STEALS AMANDA FROM BOBBY, BILLY 
THINKS HE'S RID OF BROOKE AND MICHAEL REMARRIED 
KIMBERLY, WHO IS SLIGHTLY PSYCHOTIC (BUT, HEY, NO- 
BODY'S PERFECT). A PRIMER FOR THE PRIME-TIME IM- 
PAIRED BY BRENDAN BABER AND ERIC SPITZNAGEL 


CENSORSHIP IN CYBERSPACE—WHO'S CUT TO JAM THE 
FREE FLOW OF INFORMATION? HAVE YOU BEEN BLEEPED 
WITHOUT KNOWING IT? WHAT CAN BE DONE? AN IMPOR- 
TANT REPORT BY EDWIN DIAMOND AND STEPHEN BATES 


DEATHBALL-—IT'S THE YEAR 2045. YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY 
TO THE WORLD SERIES AND YOU'RE TRYING TO CHEER UP 


THE BEST PITCHER ON YOUR TEAM—A WOMAN WITH A 
PROBLEM. FICTION BY ASA BABER 


DENNIS MILLER—THE PUNDIT WHO TOOK HIS SHOW ON 
THE ROAD WAXES WRYLY ABOUT POP CULTURE, THE 
STATE CF THE STATE AND HIS OWN TWISTED PSYCHE. A 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY DAVID RENSIN 


COMPUTRICKS —YOUR PC HAS MORE POWER THAN THE 
APOLLO MOON SHOT, SO HAVE A BLAST. CREATE WEB 
PAGES, GO TO SCHOOL, GET DATES, GET RICH—THE FAN- 
CY STUFF MADE EASY BY TED C. FISHMAN 


PEAKS SENSATION. RUSS MEYER'S LATEST FIND IS THE 
HORNYCOPIA WITH THE—WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT. PANDO- 
RA PEAKS IS THIS MONTH'S CIRCULATION BUSTER 


JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS—SEINFELD FOIL AND BEST GAL 
PAL REVEALS ELAINE'S SECRET DYSFUNCTION, WHY SHE 
LOVES PAJAMAS AND WHEN A MAN IS SPONGE-WORTHY— 
20 QUESTIONS BY DAVID RENSIN 


PLUS: CUR GIFT BONANZA FOR DADS AND GRADS, SUM- 
MER SWIMWEAR, A TERRIFIC MISS JUNE, THE ASTON 
MARTIN—JAMES BOND'S CAR—AND OUR ANNUAL BIT OF 
HEAVEN, THE PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 


[pom 


1 : i m 
Қ Ka 
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 


ANT bino MEN Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight 
геме by FTG meth V : 


B 
ШҮЛШІЛШЕ ІШІЛДІ 


Take it easy.