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BEBRUARY 1997 e $4.95 


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PLAYBILL 


YOU'LL NOTICE FROM our cover that this special issue is a cele- 
bration of love and lingerie—a potent pair. After all, lingerie is 
the warhead of love bombs. Call it Victoria's secret weapon. As 
a delicate yet. powerful underpinning to our lineup, the lin- 
gerie pictorial Heart Couture features a gift pack of Playmates 
in various stages of dishabille. Next, we asked two of our fa- 
vorite funny valentines, John Cleese and Jamie Lee Curtis, to 
square off for a disarming discourse on desire. Cleese and 
Curtis, you may recall, flirted and flopped their way through 
the literate, sexy comedy A Fish Called Wanda. As ae 
wrapped Fish II—the forthcoming flick Fierce Creatures —Dick 
Lochte, columnist for the Los Angeles Times Book Review, solicit- 
ed their lustful thoughts on everything from muesli to 
whether it is better to frisk or not to frisk. The illustration is by 
Fred Stonehouse. If money is power and power is the fulfillment 
of desire, Super Bowl weekend offers corporate America a 
chance to show off its big balls. Never mind football, the big 
game is payday for hookers and limo drivers alike. In the art- 
cle Sex and the Super Bowl, Kevin Cook follows the money to the 
honeys. When top salesmen and U.S. senators fly into New 
Orleans this year, more than cash will be pumped into the lo- 
cal economy. (Blair Drawson did the artwork.) As James R. Pe- 
tersen explains in the second installment of Playboy's History of 
the Sexual Revolution, the relationship between sex and popu- 
lar culture has deep roots. Between 1910 and 1919, the ad- 
vent of movies and the dancehall craze helped fuel a sexually 
charged atmosphere that the temperance movement couldn't 
cool. (Managing Art Director Kerig Pope and Assistant Photo 
Editor Beth Mullins did the visuals.) 

He was called the Hyannis Port hunk, the Central Park 
stripper, Mr. Fab Ab. Then John F. Kennedy Jr. seemingly 
turned serions, started the political magazine George and 
topped it off with a marriage to beauty Carolyn Bessette. In 
John, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Jim Dwyer cuts through 
the imagery and uncovers the private conflicts of this hope- 
lessly public figure. On the other end of the spectrum lurks 
Lawrence Schiller, a modern-day Zelig who witnessed the mur- 
der of Lee Harvey Oswald, the death of Gary Gilmore and the 
trial of O.]. Simpson. A collaborator with Norman Mailer on 
The Executioner’s Song, a filmmaker and ғ лувоу photograph- 
er, Schiller is now the author of the definitive Simpson book, 
American Tragedy. In an absorbing Interview, David Sheff puts 
Schiller on the stand for the truth behind Simpson's rage, the 
role of Robert Kardashian and Marcia Clark's minis. 

From behind the scenes to under the covers: In a pictorial 
exposé, former CIA operative Jayne Hayden reveals herself to 
be a spy who came in from the cold and turned up the heat. 
For comic belief, we offer Conan O'Brien, this month's 20 Ques- 
tions by Worren Kelbacker. Though we'd never suggest that 
O'Brien put a lid on it, author Michael Walsh would. He gives 
tips for toppers in his essay The Way You Wear Your Hat. It's the 
perfect accessory for our fashion layout, Hats & Coals. For a re- 
al brim-snapper Playmate Carol Vitale returns for an encor 
photos by the famous Bunny Yeager. This month also marks the 
introduction of Playmate News, our compendium of news 
flashes about the important women in our lives. 

Last but most sweet in our V-Day box of chocolates is An 
Office Romance. ICs information-age love lore by Terry Bisson, 
art by Steven Guarnaccia. Four pages of foreplay-enhancing 
ideas—pilis, getaways, videos and bath oils—will ensure your 
holiday goes, um, smoothly. Our ultimate confection is Play- 
mate Kimber West, who says she's happiest when she's nudc. 
Funny, when she's nude we're preuy happy, too. 


6 


LOCHTE 


PETERSEN, MULLINS, POPE 


YEAGER 


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BISSON 


GUARNACCIA 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), February 1997, volume 44, number 2. Published monthly by Playboy in 
‚ Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois an 
offices. Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: i 


Playboy, 680 North Lake Shore Dri 


юпа and regional editions, 
at additional mailing 


n the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. 


Postmaster: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Вох 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com. 


www.tanqueray.com 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 44, no. 2—february 1997 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. . 13 
WIRED 15 
MUSIC 5 ED T ЕНДЫ mm 16 
MOVIES BRUCE WILLIAMSON 18 
VIDEO 23 
STYLE 24 
BOOKS 5 DIGBY DIEHL 26 EON 
HEALTH & FITNESS Sven Ан 28 
MEN = 3 SEES ...ASABABER 30 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. . 33 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 37 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: LAWRENCE SCHILLER—candid conversation dae aT 
JOHN KENNEDY—playboy profile n ee JIM DWYER 54 
CIA OPERATIVE pictorial А 58 
SEX AND THE SUPER BOWL—article . . d KEVIN СООК 64 Sex Revolution 
PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION 
PART TWO (1910-1919) arido. JAMES R. PETERSEN 68 
AN OFFICE ROMANCE—fiction m .... TERRY BISSON — 76 
THE WAY YOU WEAR YOUR HAT—article ... MICHAEL WALSH 79 
HATS & COATS—fashion 5 .HOLLIS WAYNE во 
TRUE WEST—ployboy's ploymate of the month. . . 86 
PARTY JOKES —humor 98 
CUPID'S QUIVER—romonce 100 Go West 
PLAYMATE REVISITED: CAROL VITALE ee Ses 107 
THE SLINGS OF DESIRE—article : DICKLOCHTE 110 
20 QUESTIONS: CONAN O'BRIEN 112 
HEART COUTURE—pictorial 116 
PLAYBOY GALLERY: BRIGITTE NIELSEN 131 
PLAYMATE NEWS 167 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY. 2 олан 169 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 171 
COVER STORY 


Lingerie con be much odo about little nothings. As a Valentine, Playmates 
(clockwise from bottom lefi) Echo Johnson, Anna-Marie Goddard, Rachel Jeön 
Marleen and Jami Ferrell show us their underwares. We say braval The cover 
wos produced by Marilyn Grabowski and shot by Stephen Wayda, with make- 
up by Alexis Vogel, hair by Daniel Dicriscio for José Eber Salon, Beverly Hills 
and styling by Jennifer Tutor. Our Rabbit shows up in o supporting role. 


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PLAYBOY 


HUCH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE pholography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 


JOHN REZER assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; FICTION: 
ALICE К. TURNER editor; FORUM: JANES R. PE 
TERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE assistant 
editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID stevens edi- 
lor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; STAFF: BRUCE 
KLUGER senior editor; CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO, 
BARBARA NELLIS associate editors; FASHION: 
HOLLIS WAYNE director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES 
assistant editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY 
editor; COPY: LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN 
BUSHMAN assislant editor; ANNE SHERMAN copy 
associate; REMA SMITH senior researcher; LEE 
BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK, SARI WILSON researchers; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, KEVIN 
COOK, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE CROBEL, KEN 
GROSS (automotive), CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WARREN 
KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, 
REG 

DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (novies) 


)TTERTON, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENEK associate director; ANN SEIDL superu 
sor, keyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN senior art assis 
tunt, JASUN SIMUNS Ut assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; Ji LAR 
SON, MICHAL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET associate editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, 
BETH MULLINS assistant editors; DAVID CHAN 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG. RICHARD IZUI 
DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, PONPEO POSAR 
STEPHEN WavDA contributing photographers; 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; TIM HAWKINS manage 
photo services; ELIZABETH Georcıov photo ar 
chivist; GERALD SENN correspondent—paris 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION. JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLA, TOM SIMONEK associate managers 


‘CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF neusstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ERNIE RENZULLI advertising director; JAMES Dt 
MONEKAS, new york manager; JEFF KIMMEL, sales 
development manager; jor norrer midwest ad 
sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU marketing director; 
LISA NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIRE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER. 
RONES rights & permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER Chairman, chief executive officer 


PLAYBOYY 


More than 500 of the World's Most Memorable Women 


ШАТ 


MORE THAN 1000 PHOTOS, 
MANY NEVER BEFORE PUBLISHED 
NUDITY 

INCLUDES MORE THAN SOO PLAYMATES 
PLAYMATE FACTS AND RECENT PHOTOS 


Book 
Lus328 


—HUGH HEFNER 


THE PLAYBOY PLAYMATE IS A CULTURAL ICON. NOW FOR THE FIRST 
TIME EVER, PLAYBOY HAS OPENED THE PLAYBOY ARCHIVES AND 
ASSEMBLED THIS BOOK FEATURING INCREDIBLE PHOTOGRAPHY OF 
EVERY PLAYMATE FROM THE FIRST ISSUE TO THE PRESENT DAY. THE 
BOOK CONTAINS ORIGINAL PHOTOS OF MORE THAN SOO PLAYMATES, 
NUDE PICTORIALS, NEVER-BEFORE-PUBLISHED PICTURES AND 
SNAPSHOTS FROM HUGH HEFNER'S PERSONAL PHOTO ALBUM. AS 

A SPECIAL BONUS; RECENT PHOTOS AND UP-TO-THE-MINUTE FACTS 
PROVIDE A LOOK AT THE PAST AND PRESENT LIVES OF MANY OF YOUR 
FAVORITE PLAYMATES. THE PLAYMATE BOOK IS A UNIQUE TRIBUTE 
TO, AND MEMENTO OF, THE WORLD'S MOST ALLURING WOMEN. 
INTRODUCTION BY HUGH M. HEFNER. HARDCOVER. NUDITY. COLOR 
AND BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTOS. 9" x 12". 384 PAGES. 


Order Toll-Free 800-423-9494 


CHARGE To YOUR VISA, MASTERCARD, 
AMERICAN EXPRESS OR Discover. Most 
ORDERS SHIPPED WITHIN 48 HOURS. 
(Source cove: 60367) 


Order By Mail 


USE YOUR CREDIT CARD AND BE SURE 

TO INCLUDE YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AND 
EXPIRATION DATE. OR ENCLOSE A CHECK OR 
MONEY ORDER PAYABLE TO PLAYBOY. MAIL 
TO PLAYBOY, Р.О. Box 809, DEPT. 60367, 
ITASCA, ILLINOIS 60143-0809. 


THERE 19 А $5.95 eHiPPING-AND-HAMDLING 
CHARGE PER TDTAL ORDER. ILLINDIS RESIDENTS 
INCLUDE 6.7596 SALES TAX. CANADIAN RESI- 
DENTS PLEASE INCLUDE AN ADDITIONAL $3.00 
PER ITEM. SORRY, NO OTHER FOREIGN ORDERS 
OR CURRENCY ACCEPTED. 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-549-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPBCOPLAYBOYCDM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


THE DEVIL AND MR. REED 
Joe Conason's Ralph Reed: Smart as the 
Devil (November) is superbly written. 
Despite Reed's efforts to moderate the 
Christian Coalition's intolerance, a leop- 
ard cannot change its spots. The Bible 
has high regard for forgiveness, charity 
and compassion. The Christian Coali- 
tion clearly comes up short. 
Mark Naeser 
Jamestown, New York 


It will be a sad day for the American 
people if Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed 
cver get into the White House. Women 
will be subjected to backstreet abortions, 
the rich will get richer and the poor will 
get poorer. But most important, there 
will be no separation of church and state. 

Daniel Statkowski 
Cherry Tree, Pennsylvania 


I was born in 1947 in a world that re- 
mained mostly free of violence until the 
mid-Sixties. In the Nineties, we've be- 
come callous to violence. God no longer 
exists in the national agenda, and we 
seem to be going down the same road 
the Romans did. Their empire collapsed 
in several hundred years because of 
moral decay. I say hurrah for Pat and. 
Ralph. They're trying to turn the wagon 
train around, and that's better than 
shooting the horses. 

Robert Methvin 
Napa, California. 


Until 1933 when it was adopted by the 
"Third Reich, the swastika was an honor- 
able religious symbol and ancient design 
motif. The Nazis made it represent the 
worst evil. Ralph Reed scems to be the 
reincarnation of Joseph Goebbels—right 
down to his stature and rhetoric. We 
must be careful not to let the Christian 
cross Reed is hiding behind follow the 
path of the swastika. 

Arthur Carlsten 

Tucson, Arizona 


HISTORY ACCORDING TO LIAM 
Most of Liam Neeson's comments re- 
garding Michael Collins (Playboy Inter- 
view, November) were accurate, but 
Neeson referred to Collins as “a states- 
man.” Collins was no statesman. When 
Eamon De Valera asked him to negoti- 
ate, Collins argued that he was a soldier, 
not a politician. 
Michael Linkletter Jr. 
gix@alaska.net 
Anchorage, Alaska 


BABEWATCH 
First it was Erika Eleniak, then Pam 

Anderson and now Donna D'Errico (Don- 
na Does “Baywatch,” Days and Nights, No- 
vember). I think Baywatch has finally 
found the best. 

Kendall Keith 

Las Vegas, Nevada 


BLOWING THE WHISTLE ON THE RABBIT 
It was quite a challenge to find the 
Rabbit on the November cover. I had to 
cheat and look at the clue in the caption. 
Randy Kupsh 
De Pere, Wisconsin 


1 was certain that the bashful Rabbit 
was intended to be formed by Donna's 
thumb and the whistle she is holding un- 
til I checked the clue. I like my discovery 
better. 
Dave Van den Branden 
StudioTHO@aol.com 
Chicago, Illinois 


WOMEN 
Cynthia Heimel's "Women's Intuition" 
(Women, November) was a useful col- 
umn. I especially liked her insights on 
how social roles and expectations for 
women have affected all of us. Mytl 
busting is hard and thankless work. It's 
also prone to misinterpretation. It takes 
courage to do what Heimel does. 
Christopher List 
clist@pdm.kla.com 
Menlo Park, California 


— 


AEN TO LOVE 


We always thought the Playboy Rabbit 
Head was lovable and obviously 
“somebunny” agrees. ..he's heen covered 
with kisses! Unisex white T-shirt has black 
screen-printed Rabbit Head logo 
with screen-printed red lips. 

100% cotton. USA. Sizes L, XL. 
T-SHIRT# LH4864 $16.95 


Order Toll-Free 800-423-9494 charge to vour 


Visa, MasterCard, American Express or Discover. Most 
orders shipped within 48 hours. (Source code: 60356) 


Order By Mail tise your credit card and be sure 
to include your account number and expiration date 
Or enclose a check or money order payable to Playboy 
Mail to Playboy. PO. Box 809, Dept. 00356, 
Itasca, Minois 601 43-0809. 


There is a $3.00 shipping-and-handling charge per total 
order. Minois residents include 6.75% sales tax Canadian 
residents please include an additional $3.00 per item. 
Sorry, no other foreign orders or currency accepted. 


PLAYBOY 


TOXIC TERROR 
Michael Reynolds’ article (November) 
is informative. I've read a lot on the 
subject of the right wing's interest in 
military hardware and assassination. Un- 
fortunately, there’s never been an ex- 
planation as to why this militant ele- 
ment exists. If we could determine what 
motivates these zealots, then maybe we 
would understand why they are mad 
as hell. 
L.H. Smith 
TontoandKemosabe@MSN.com 
Tacoma, Washington 


I find Toxic Terror very shocking. The 
thought that paramilitary psychos can 
get their hands on bubonic plague is 
scary and disheartening. The fact that 
you can easily obtain a copy of Silent 
Death and can't always find a copy of 
PLayRoy is amazing, 

David Duty 
Potosi, Missouri 


MEN 
Asa Baber's November column (“Her 
Dominant Sex Organ”) is totally out of 
whack. It's true that some women are 
obsessed with food, but that doesn’t ap- 
ply to all of us. For me, food is just the 
fuel that keeps me going. Other things 
are far more important. 
Becki Mathis 
Perry, Michigan 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 
Lenjoy your magazine, but your What 

Sort of Man ads always leave me a lit- 
tie perturbed. I am not dreaming of 
Olympic gold medals or life next door to 
the Clampetts in Beverly Hills. My ad 
would read: "He's an average Joe. He 
knows the cruelty of the day job and the 
excitement of the nightlife. He's an ex- 
tremist. Hell do anything to get the 
adrenaline going.” 

Ken Johns 

Hoboken, New Jersey 


WHAT SORT OF WOMAN 
READS PLAYBOY? 

In our house, I'm the subscriber to 
pLaveoy and Playboy TV. I'm also the 
first one to read the magazine. I've en- 
joyed your What Sort of Man Reads 
Playboy? ads and want to remind you 
that women like your fabulous entertain- 
ment, too. 

Tiffany Stephenson 
Kula, Hawaii 


PLAYMATE REVISITED 

I was a high school senior when Janet 
Pilgrim (November) first appeared on 
PLAYBOY's pages. For most of my college 
years, her gorgeous centerfold was taped 
to my dorm room door. I gazed at 
Janet's picture and dreamed of making 
love to a woman as beautiful as she was. 


10 You've given this old-timer quite a thrill. 


At the age of 58, I still like your maga- 

zine as much as I did when I was 18. 
Laurence R. Januz 
Lake Forest, Illinois 


SMELLS LIKE VIKING SPIRIT 
November Playmate Ulrika Ericsson 
(How Swede It Is) is the Viking maiden 
who has surely made Odin and Thor 
very happy. 
Roger Kicker 
South Beloit, Illinois 


I'm a photographer who has worked 
with Ulrika for two years, and she is as 
beautiful a person as she is a model. Vol- 
vo, move over and make room for Swe- 
den's greatest export. 

Bill Bachmann 
Orlando, Florida 


We're from Gávle, Sweden—Miss No- 
vember's hometown—where we are 


used to seeing luscious blondes. But they 

all fade in comparison with Ulrika Erics- 

son. We had the great pleasure of meet- 

ing her a few years ago and knew she 

was special and would make it. We thank 

Ulrika for putting Gávle on the map. 
Magnus Lindblom and 

Andreas Wikholm 

Gävle, Sweden 


It may well be that the sylphlike Ulrika 
Ericsson first showcased her charms in 
an American periodical. Yet Iggy Pop's 
immortal lyrics never rang so true: "I 
wish life could be Swedish magazines." 

Топу Pivetta 
Royal Oak, Michigan 


You asked if Vikings wore horns on 
their helmets. Even though you were be- 
ing rhetorical, I think Americans should 
know the answer is no. 

Oscar Haeger 
University of Boras 
Borås, Sweden 


UNBELIEVABLE FICTION 
Brendan DuBois’ The Dark Snow (No- 
vember) is great if you disregard the last 
four or five paragraphs. Does he expect 
us to believe that those good old boys 
are going to drive their $8000 Arctic 
Cats across thin ice just because some 
asshole pulled down warning signs? Get 
a grip. 
Jody Logan 
Thomaston, Maine 


What an amazing survivor's story! 
DuBois proves that intelligence rather 
than brute force will conquer stupidity. 

AJ. Gidyk 
Edmonton, Alberta 


HANGING WITH THE GIRLS 
Talk about a picture that's worth a 
thousand words (Playboy Gallery, Novem- 
ber). I'm still waiting for Jayne Mansfield 
to inhale. 
Juan Llanes 
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 


SEXY CINEMA 
What's the world coming to? Novem- 

ber's Sex in Cinema 1996 reveals Mary 
Tyler Moore—remembered by most as 
Mary Richards—with her sweater pulled 
up. For God's sake, don't tell Mr. Grant. 
It would probably kill him. 

William Heyer 

‘Toms River, New Jersey 


HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE 
On a recent trip to Los Angeles, I 

wandered into a bar where I was greeted 
by a group of beautiful women promot- 
ing a South American beer. I struck up a 
conversation with one of them and dis- 
covered she had appeared in Novem- 
ber 1995's Grapevine. It would be great to 
see Alexandra Otterstrom again in the 
magazine. 

Eric Dunn 

Salt Lake City, Utah 


WAXING NOSTALGIC 
I just bought a copy of The Playmate 
Book and I love it. The photos are fabu- 
lous and it's great to find out what the 
Playmates are doing with their lives. 
Robert Wendt 
Downers Grove, Illinois 


I live in northwest England and get 
my Playboy every month from my local 
newsagent. While looking through the 
November issue, I spotted the ad for The 
Playmate Book. That's every Playmate 
since forever all in one book. My dream 
has come true. How do I get it? 

Mike Raymond 
West Kirby, Cheshire 

You can order "The Playmate Book" 
through The Playboy Store on the Internet 
(hitp://uuw playboy.com). 


БШШШ a сох бо. нү. NY, Cognac Hennessy 40°. Alc./Vol. (80) 


lennessy with good judgment. 


= “Lost on Earth” 
um at Ee 
us 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


CAGED HEAT 


To add animal magnetism to the ro- 
mance of Valentine's Day, the Santa Ana 
Zoo is holding its Annual Sex Tour in 
honor of the holiday. A curator and a 
veterinarian guide adults through vari- 
ous habitats and explain the sex habits of 
the zoo's endangered species. Cham- 
pagne is served to loosen things up be- 
fore the tour heads into the beastly 
boudoirs. The two-toed sloth's mating 
dance, for example, has the animals rub- 
bing rumps before they turn the other 
cheeks and hang face-to-face. Said a zoo 
spokeswoman of last year's event, “It's 
fun, it’s interesting and everyone blush- 
es.” No matter how cozy the tour may 
get. visitors are not permitted to spank 
the monkeys. 


THE X-POLICIES 


Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson, 
a London insurance firm, offers cover- 
age against alien abduction. For a pre- 
mium of about $155 a year, the poli- 
cy will pay an abduction victim about 
$160,000—with the proviso that the ab- 
ductor is not a resident earthling. The 
payout is doubled if the victim is impreg- 
nated during the alien festivities. This 
additional coverage, happily, applies 
both to male and to female victims be- 
cause the firm is unsure of the reproduc- 
tive capabilities of space peoples. Who 
knows? Some of their parts might fit 
very creatively with some of our parts. 
Goodfellow director Simon Burgess does 
not make the most compelling advertise- 
ment for the policy when he says, "I per- 
sonally would not buy it." 


BEAGLE AND BUTT-BREATH 


Flush from the success they enjoyed 
with Breathasure—a capsule breath 
freshener—Anthony and Lauren Rais- 
sen are now offering Pure Breath for 
dogs and cats. Wanting to get closer to 
the ones they love, the couple developed 
a product that works with the digestive 
system to attack the source of halitosis 
The doggy version is a blend of sunflow. 
er oil, parsley-sced oil and St. John's 
bread. The Raissens say it's safe, natu- 


ral and veterinarian-approved. Further 
more, a portion of cach sale will be do- 
nated to the Los Angeles SPCA/Humane 
Society. This is all well and good, but 
what about that other source of doggy 


unpleasantness—the lingering after- 
math of the canine ritual of greeting oth- 
er dogs by aggressively sniffing their 
butts? Perhaps a scented nose tissue is in 
the works. 


GUTEN TAGGER (SPRAY CAN ZE 
DEUTSCH?) 


Bring us your tircd, your hungry, 
your huddled masses ycarning to defacc. 
We love it that German graffiti artists 
have been making sentimental journeys 
to New York City specifically to soak up 
the variety of graffiti styles and to con- 
tribute to them. One tourist tagger from 
Cologne explained it this way: “It's like a 
pilgrimage to the birthplace. We want to 
know our roots.” 


WWW.CON 


Think of it as a black Lincoln Town 
Car on the information superhighway. 
There is now a page on the Internet 


ILLUSTRATION EY GARY KELLEY 


honoring convicted Mafia don John Got 
ti. If you're interested, the address is 
hitp://ng.netgate.net/-ravenna/gotti.ht 
ml, which is not nearly as long as his sen- 
tence. Still, Gotti's site has recorded 
more hits than, well, the subject himself. 


WASTE NOT, WANT NOT 


A class project at Harvey Mudd Col- 
lege in Claremont, California was to de- 
velop an alternative fuel supply based on 
human waste for the inhabitants of a 
Guatemalan village where firewood is 
scarce. In order to simulate authentic 
conditions, one student was challenged 
to produce village-like waste by eating 
only beans, rice and tortillas. After a 
week the student became woefully con 
stipated, and the project was unceremo- 
niously dumped. 


OH, JUST ENJOY THE RIDE 


According to a spokesman, Nis 
"very surprised" and " didn't re; 
the campaign would cause offense to 
anyone" when it was criticized for run- 
ning an ad in the U.K. depicting a four- 
wheel-drive sport utility vehicle cruising 
over the landscape of a woman's body, 
including a bared breast. This claim to 
innocence wasn't helped by the ad's slo- 
gan: “Four-by-four play.” Apparently, no 
one thought of “Truck your brains out.” 


TEXAS LINE DANCE 


Should you be traveling in Texas and 
wish to make an operator-assisted call 
to another part of the state, be careful 
when you're asked to pick a long-di 
tance carrier. Saying “I don't know, 
don't care,” "It doesn't matter” or ^Who- 
ever" will deliver you into the hands of 
KT&T Communications, which trade- 
marked those phrases as names for its 
subsidiaries. It also charges a significant. 
premium over the rate of the major car- 
riers. Maybe Bob Dole should have 
changed his name to None of the Above. 


IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN 


Let's hear it for the beleaguered Ital- 
ian beaver. The International Fund for 


RAW DATA 


QUOTE 

“1 read PLAYBOY 
now for the same 
reason I read Nation- 
al Geographic—to see 
fascinating places I'll 
never get to visit." — 
JAMES QUELLO, 82, FOR- 
MER MEMBER OF THE. 
FEDERAL COMMUNICA- 
"TIONS COMMISSION 


WELL GROUNDED 

Since deregulation 
of the airline in- 
dustry in 1978, the 
number of minutes 
added to flight time 
of an average. do- 
mestic trip: 8. Num- 
ber of those addi- 
tional minutes spent 
waiting on ground 
for takeoff: 5. 


HAND-WRINGING 
Percentage of women who wash 
their hands before leaving the rest- 
room: 80. Percentage of men who 
wash before leaving: 55. 


NEW WORLD WALLET 
Percentage of the world's currency. 
supply that is made up of US. green- 
backs: 20. Percentage of all U.S. pa- 
per currency that is held outside U.S. 
borders: 67. 


‘COST OF FORE! PLAY 
Percentage of the 24 million Amer- 
ican golfers who are men: 79. Aver- 
age price of a set of golf clubs at a pro 
shop, where most premium clubs are 
sold: $476. Average price for a set of 
dubs at a sporting goods store: $289; 
at a discount store: $177. Total sales 

of clubs in 1994: $2.35 billion. 


GAS PAINS 
In Finland, cost of a gallon of un- 
leaded, low-octane gas: $5. Percent- 
age of price that goes to taxes: 70. 


BUG POPULATION 
Number of computer viruses that 
have been discovered: 7000. Approx- 
imate number of viruses in circula- 
tion: 200. According to a 1995 survey 


FACT OF THE MONTH 
‘Twice as many women as 
men bought lingerie in 1995, 
but male buyers bought $50 
worth on average, while fe- 
male buyers spent $23. 


by Intelliquest, per- 
centage of all com- 
puters that have had 
a virus: 37. Percent- 
age of computer 
users who have in- 
stalled an anuvirus 


program: 87. 


HALVED HOUR 

Average number 
of minutes taken by 
office workers for 
lunch: 36. Percent- 
age of workers who 
don’t take a lunch 
5 break: 14. 


HIGHER MATH 

From 1990 to 
1994, the annual 
percentage increase 
in college tuition, 
fees and room and 
board at public and 
private institutions: 7. During the 
same period, percentage increase in. 
the amount borrowed by students 
and families to cover college costs: 29. 


HOUSE ODDS 

In a two-year study of Nevada 
brothels by a Harvard Medical School 
student, number ofclients serviced by 
the average prostitute per day: 6. Per- 
centage of prostitutes who said a re- 
cent client initially refused to wear a 
condom: 70. Percentage of clients 
who eventually complied: 100. Per- 
centage breakage rate of condoms in 
Nevada brothels: 0 (lowest recorded 
rate in the world). 


LIE OF THE LAND 

In a joint study by the University of 
Virginia and Texas A&M, chances a 
nonmarried participant lied to a ro- 
mantic partner during any given so- 
cial interaction: 1 in 3. Chances that a 
married participant lied to a spouse: 
1 in 10. Chances that a college stu- 
dent lied to his or her mother: 1 in 2. 


SCOREBOARD 
Average cost of building a sports 
stadium today: $225 million. Average 
cost 7 years ago: $50 million. 
BETTY SCHAAL 


Animal Welfare recently mounted a bill- 
board campaign in Italy featuring a 
nude photo of the wife of the head of 
Italy's Green Party with this caption: 
“The only fur I'm not ashamed to wear.” 


POSTMODERN MATURITY 


The editor of Divorce Magazine, a new 
quarterly publication for the no-longer- 
married, is Diana Shepherd, formerly an 
editor of Wedding Bells magazine. 


POLITICAL DRIVE 


Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Bar- 
ry, who has some experience in these 
matters, recently proposed that all mu- 
nicipal employees who drive city-owned 
vehicles submit to regular drug testing. 
Barry's no-nonsense position may be a 
reflection of new leadership, political re- 
alities—or the fact that he has his own 
driver. 


BASE MEDALS 


Each year the satirical journal Annals 
of Improbable Research announces the win- 
ners of the Ignobel Prizes, awarded to 
the dopiest research published in a sci- 
entific journal. The 1996 Ignobel Prize 
in physics went to Robert Matthews of 
Aston University in England for “Tum- 
bling Toast, Murphy's Law and the Fun- 
damental Constants,” a paper on, 
among other things, why toast tends to 
land buttered side down. Two Norwe- 
gians won the biology Ignobel for “Effect 
of Ale, Garlic and Soured Cream on the 
Appetite of Leeches" in the British Med- 
ical Journal. Not surprisingly, most win- 
ners shun the honor, but Harald Moi 
of Oslo, who shared the public health 
prize for “Transmission of Gonorrhea 
Through an Inflatable Doll," attend- 
ed the awards dinner. We don't know 
whether or not he showed up stag, but 
if he didnt, we assume his date got 
nary a clap. 


SONG SUNG WRONG 


We've all been busted for singing the 
wrong words ("Oh, beautiful for space- 
ship guys"), but to writer Gavin Ed- 
wards, your malaprop is his royalties 
check. In He's Got the Whole World in 
His Panis (Fireside), a collection of mis- 
heard lyrics, Edwards has Rex Harrison 
singing, “I've thrown a custard in her 
face,” Aretha Franklin belting, “You 
make me feel like a rash on a woman," 
and Billy Jocl insisting, “You make the 
rice, I'll make the gravy.” Most entries in 
the book were submitted by readers of 
Edwards’ first book, 'Scuse Me While 1 
Kiss This Guy aud Other Misheard Lyrics. 
Maybe they're ihe ones who turned Ala- 
nis Morissette’s lyric “The cross I bear 
that you gave 10 me" into “The cross- 
eyed baby that you gave to me" and have 
Bonnie Raitt singing "Let's give them 
something from Taco Bell." 


WIRED 


LOVE BYTES 


If you ve been wondering where the oft- 
hyped online romance is happening, 
sign on to Cupid's Network at www.cu 
pidnet.com/index.html. Whether you're 
looking for love, companionship or a 
quick fling, this one-stop shop for singles 
covers all the angles. There's a section 
with romantic gift ideas, a nationwide 
calendar of events for the unattached 
and dozens of links to matchmakers on 
the Web. We went to Match.Com, billed 
as the "largest Internet personals site." 
Membership is ten dollars a month, but 
it offers lots, including chat rooms and 
thousands of ads for “women seeking 
men" (complete with color photos). 
Webpersonals (www.webpersonals. 
com) offers similar services—free of 
charge—plus a nightly scouting report 


titled Love Hound, which alerts you to 
new ads via e-mail. If verbal foreplay is 
more your thing, head to the chat rooms 
at our new pay site, Playboy's Cyber 
Club, accessible at www.playboy.com 
Besides enjoying lively exchanges with 
other members, you can carry on occa- 
sional keyboard conversations with Play- 
mates, PLAYBOY editors and contributors 
and Hef himself. 


WE'RE ALL EARS 


One of the slickest items to debut at the 
January 1997 Consumer Electronics 
Show in Las Vegas was Audio Highway's 
Listen Up. A handy gadget about the 
size of a pack of smokes, Listen Up is a 
kind of personal stereo recorder that 
stores and plays back audio information 
and entertainment from the Internet. 'To 
obtain programming, you connect the 
device to your computer, access Audio 
Highway's Web site and then download 
the items you'd like to hear. Choices in- 
clude material from news sources such 
as the Associated Press, Dow Janes and 
Newsweek, as well as a selection of Time 
Warner audio books and Berlitz lan- 


guage courses. A chip built into Listen 
Up holds an hour's worth of content. 
(Expanded storage is in the works.) To 
play it back, simply plug a pair of stereo 
headphones (sold with the unit) into the 
appropriate jack. Better yet, prop it 
on the dashboard of your car and 
tune the stereo to a specified radio 
frequency. Listen Up uses wireless 
technology to broadcast your selec- 
tions back through the car's speaker 
system. The price: about $300, in- 
cluding an IBM-compatible docking 
station. 


A FEW GOOD MEN— 
AND DEMONS 


Leave it to the Marines to use Doom 
to their advantage. Sergeant Daniel 
Snyder, a computer network administra- 
tor at Marine headquarters in Quantico, 
Virginia, has reprogrammed the bloody 
demons-vs.-good-guys game to simulate 
the under-fire conditions faced by Ma- 
rine combat teams. Replacing some of 
the bad guys with enemy soldiers, and 
the space-age weapons with authentic 
Marine ordnance, Snyder has created a 
simulation that top brass claim necessi- 
tates the quick decisions soldiers must 


make under fire. Snyder acknowledges 
that a computer game will never replace 
field practice but says that it can approx- 

imate condi- 
tions, such 


as friendly fire, that Marines rarely face 
in exercises. The Marines’ version of 
Doom, which plays on top of the actual 
game from id software, is available to 
civilians at www.usmc.mil/opages/doom. 
htm. Snyder hopes to provide similar 
add-ons for newer multiplayer games 
such as Duke Nukem and Quake. But 
finding time may be tough. Since creat- 
ing Marine Doom, he's been fielding of- 
fers from commercial game developers. 


-_ WILD THINGS — — 


When you're wiped out and ready to crash for the night, the last thing you want to do 
is wonder around flipping switches. Enter RCA's Home Control. This universal remate 
control (pictured below) commands your TV, VCR and cable box to rest (or woke) ond 
con do the same for up to 16 lights and appliances. Everything fram a ceiling fan to а 
popcorn popper can be turned on and off with the press of a button—from any room 
in your hame. An RCA Home Control starter kit, which costs cbout $60, includes the 


remote control plus one extensian module. Additional modules cost 
between $15 ond $20. There's also a key-chain transmitter that 
lets you turn on two lights from outside—perfect when 
you're entering your home offer dark. The price: about 
$13. * Sega has come up with a device that turns 
its Saturn game system into an Internet surfing 


machine. The Sega Saturn Net Link is a 
28.8 modem that connects to the car- 
tridge port of the video game sys- 
tem, allowing you to explore 
the Net and send e-mail 
via your television set. 
Net Link cames 
with a 30-foot 


phone cord 
that connects to а 

standard phone jack 
ond Sega's custom Web 

browser. An on-screen key- 
boord lets you punch up Web sites 
and compose e-mail messages. Sega 


also sells an adapter that lets you use an 
IBM-compatible keyboard ta moke each task 
easier. The price: $200 for the Net Link ar $450 
for a complete system, which includes o Sega Saturn 
system, a Net Link modem, a custom keyboard and the 
Sega Rally Championship game. 


WHERE & HOWTO BUY DN PAGE 160. 


16 


R&B 


COMING OFF the worst album of his career, 
Luther Vandross has a welcome return 
to form with his latest, Your Secret Love 
(LV/Epic). Vandross is reunited with 
producers Nat Adderley Jr. and Marcus 
Miller (including a quasi-hip-hop track 
that features Spinderella of Salt-N- 
Pepa). But most of this project’s best mo- 
ments occur when Vandross is at the 
controls. 

With impeccable diction, sweet phras- 
ing and his trademark vocal riffs, Van- 
dross sings several lush ballads: Crazy 
Love, Love Don't Love You Anymore, Nobody 
to Love, A real gem is Whether or Not the 
World Gets Better, a duet with protégé Lisa 
Fischer. He’s a great vocalist. 

—NELSON GEORGE 


ROCK 


Chris Isaak's music is so st а that it 
seems as if he’s been singing a single 
song—onc long, kecning ballad—for his 
entire career. It’s tempting, therefore, to 
react to Воја Sessions (Reprise) as more of 
the same. But that would be wrong. You 
can look at Isaak as just a hunk with a 
thrilling upper register, but his subtlety 
makes his crooning palatable. On Baja 
(which was inspired by a journey to the 
Mexican peninsula), Isaak sings the 
corny bachelor-pad ballads (South of the 
Border, Yellow Bird) with which he’s al- 
ways flirted. He even tries Only the Lone- 
ly, risking direct comparison with Roy 
Orbison. Yet if you believe that music is 
mainly emotional, Baja's effortless rhyth- 
mic flow and lush melodicism constitute 
a triumph. 5 

Punk has now been around so long 
that its finest practitioners have come 
back. Social Distortion, the L.A.-based 
band led by Mike Ness, never quit mak- 
ing music, but Ness headed in a tradi- 
tional rock direction for a couple of al- 
bums. White Light, White Heat, White Trash 
(Epic) slams its way back into punk at its 
hardest. Ness has always been a terrific 
singer and songwriter, and the side trip 
to his roots only sharpened his craft. 
Dear Lover and Gotta Know the Rules are as 
good as the best Social D has ever done 

On Back Room Blood (Genes/Adelphi) 
Gerry Goffin sings weird but true—what 
else would we expect from the guy who 
wrote the lyrics to Up on the Roof, Will You 
Still Love Me Tomorrow? and all the other 
classics he created with Carole King? 

— DAVE MARSH 


If you've been thinking that Mor- 
phine—with its saxophone, two-string 
bass and drums—must be a piece of cal- 
culatedly weird, postmodern fecal mat- 
ter loved only by critics, don’t think that 


= Tet 
Vandross’ Secret Love. 


Luther and Chris croon, 
Koerner, Ray and Glover groove 
and DJ Shadow samples. 


anymore. Like Swimming (Ryko) is a ter- 
rific, lowdown, vaguely decadent rock al- 
bum with a touch of jazz. “I know a way 
to swing on the way downtown,” sings 
Mark Sandman, who could give Chris 
Isaak steam lessons. You will swing all 
the way downtown, and probably get 
laid when you get back uptown. What in- 
strument sprays more pheromones than 
a baritone sax? — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


In 1970 Hendrix, Morrison, Town- 
shend and Joni Mitchell were the van- 
guard of the alternative revolution be- 
gun five years before by the Beatles and 
Dylan. In the U.S., their Lollapalooza 
was called Woodstock, and in the U.K. it 
was the Isle of Wight Festival. Messoge to 
Love: The Isle of Wight Festival 1970 (Colum- 
bia/Legacy) captures exceptional perfor- 
mances by rock's young giants. Less than 
a month before his death, Jimi Hendrix 
turns in his best versions of Voodoo Child 
and Foxy Lady. Free delivers a driving All 
Right Now and the Who's muscular Young 
Man Blues and Naked Eye are first-class. 
Dylan, Joni Mitchell and Leonard Co- 
hen are superb. But Miles Davis steals 
the show with an almost 15-minute-long 
Bitches Brew-styled vamp that matches 
Hendrix for sheer genius. Unfortunate- 
ly, the Doors are unable to light any- 
body's fire, and there's lots of self-indul- 
gent noodling by a few other bands that 
will remind you why punk was a revolu- 
tion waiting in the wings. 

VIC GARBARINI 


TECHNO 


DJ Shadow (a.k.a. Josh Davis) is a 24- 
year-old Californian who's famous in 
London for inventing the spacey techno- 
derived style known as trip-hop. Armed 
with a sampler, a sequencer and moun- 
tains of vinyl, Shadow painstakingly cre- 
ates music. Some of the 13 dense, varied, 
drum-driven tracks on Endtroducing DJ 
Shadow (FFRR/Mo' Wax) are less than a 
minute in duration, while others are 
more than nine, They are not so much 
songs as compositions, designed for 
headphones rather than dance floors. 

‘Tricky made his name, if not his for- 
tune, with 1995's downbeat Maxinquaye. 
On Pre-Millennium Tension (Island), fame 
has made him a little jauntier, and he 
writes recognizable songs. But if you 
want to hear how meaningful sampled 
textures can be, put his bone-üred elec- 
tronic sounds up against Shadow's me- 
lodic grooves. 

If you think this stuff sounds too 
weird, you may be ready for the Fet 
Shop Boys. Are they mechanical, blood- 
less and wimpy? I never thought so. By 
now, you should be grateful for their ex- 
pert dance beats and indelible tunes. On 
their fine new Bilingual (Atlantic), they're 
even happy, sometimes. 

— ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


JAZZ 


Sweetback consists of saxophonist-gui- 
tarist Stuart Matthewman, keyboardist 
Andrew Hale and bassist Paul Spencer 
Denman—the band that’s performed 
with Sade for more than a decade. This 
self-titled debut (Epic) offers a surprising 
selection of music. R&B rookie Maxwell, 
Sade backup singer Leroy Osbourne 
and Groove Theory lead singer Amel 
Larrieux provide vocals on several 
songs. Much of the album is made up of 
hard-to-classify instrumentals that bor- 
row from trip-hop, jazz and New Age. 
This album isn't Sade without the vocals. 
Sweetback is its own idiosyncratic musical 
blend. —NELSON GEORGE 


BLUES 


For anyone who cared about the folk— 
blues movement of the Sixties, Koerner, 
Ray and Glover have recorded their first 
album together in 31 years. But even if 
you didn't care, give One Foot in the Groove 
(Tim Kerr) a listen. Stalwarts in the Twin 
Cities scene that produced Bob Dylan, 
KR&G recorded several classic albums 
that are now collectors’ items. One Foot 
has all the charm, and rollicking 
affection that made their earlier work 
remarkable, but it also has a sense of 
mortality. The Dave Ray version of Bill 


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Monroe's With Body and Soul, a eulogy 
for a dead lover, sends chills up your 
spine. Both Ray and Koerner are devas- 
tating on the acoustic 12-string, and 
Glover (the first great harp player of his 
generation) can still blow with the best. 
— CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Heretofore, Mike Henderson has 
been one of the most underrated honky- 
tonk singers in country. First Blood (Dead 
Reckoning) marks him as one of the 
most underrated white blucsmen, too. 
His Pony Blues is so adept that Johnny 
Winter might cnvy it, and his Chicago 
blues evoke the spirit of Elmore James. 
Plus there's Pay Bo Diddley, on which 
Henderson and his band pay some dues. 

—DAVE MARSH 


COUNTRY 


A quarter century ago, Bob Dylan 
went to Nashville to work with Johnny 
Cash on Nashuille Skyline. Now, Cash 
heads to Los Angeles to work with pro- 
ducer Rick Rubin for the second time. 
Unchained (American) is less bleak than 
their first collaboration. Tom Petty and 
the Heartbreakers provide discreet 
backing as Cash brings the heartfelt 
gravity of his amazing voice to tunes by 
Beck and Soundgarden, plus Petty's own 
Southern Accents. — VIC GARBARINI 


OPERA 


Sales of classical music were down 19 
percent last year, but not because of a 
lack of good opera CDs. Clearly the best 
of 1996 was Archiv's release of Claudio 
Monteverdi's L'incoronazione di Poppea. 
Conductor John Eliot Gardiner leads a 
remarkable cast that includes soprano 
Sylvia McNair. Equally inspiring is mez- 
zo-soprano Lorraine Hunt's perfor- 
mance in George Frideric Handel's Ario- 
donte (Harmonia Mundi), sensitively 
directed by Nicholas McGegan. Modest 
Mussorgsky's Boris Godunov is probably 
the greatest Russian opera. What better 
way to hear it than with the chorus and 
orchestra of the Bolshoi Theater? BMG. 
Classics’ remastering of a titanic 1962 
performance does justice to a master- 
piece. In Richard Strauss’ Elektra (Tel- 
dec), Deborah Polaski masters the work's 
vocal and dramatic challenges to create 
a character of enormous depth. When 
Viktor Ullmann was murdered at 
Auschwitz in 1944, the world lost a 
tremendous composer. His expressionis- 
tic Fall of the Antichrist (CPO) is a powerful 
portrayal of tyranny. But if you buy only 
‘one opera disc this year, make it James 
Levine's 25th Anniversary Metropolitan Opera 
Gala (Deutsche Grammophon). An all- 
star aggregation including the won- 
derful Renée Fleming and Bryn Terfel— 
celebrates the conductor's tenure with 
the Met. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


FAST TRACKS. 


Christgau 


Garbarini 


DJ Shadow 
Endtroducing DJ 
Shadow 


Chris Isaak 
Војо Sessions 


Koerner, Ray and 
Glover 

One Foot in the 

Groove 


‘Message to Love: The 
Isle of Wight Festi- 
vol 1970 


Luther Vandross 
Your Secret Love 


HOW'D YOU GET TO BE SO SMART DEPART- 
MENT: Jackson Browne, Roseanne Cash, 
Bruce Cockburn and Carly Simon, among 
others, performed on the world's first 
environmentally friendly guitars at a 
concert to benefit the Rainforest 
Alliance. The performers played Gib- 
son Smartwood guitars that are made 
of wood harvested without jeopardiz- 
ing forests Rut how do the guitars 
sound? 

REELING AND ROCKING: Lisa Loeb will 
play a rocker in an indie thriller called 
Black Circle Boys. . . . The next Steven 
Seagal feature, Fire Down Below, co- 
stars Kris Kristofferson, Levon Helm and 
Mark Collie. It vill be out this summer. 

NEWSBREAKS: Don't Stop the Carnival, 
the musical collaboration between 
Jimmy Buffett and author Herman Wouk, 
will premiere in Miami in April. If it 
goes well, it's sure to end up on 
Broadway. . . . We caught a Chicago 
production of Randy Newman's Faust, 
also preparing for a possible Broad- 
way run. We were disappointed with 
everybody but the devil himself. The 
CD has it all over the show. . . . Paul 
and Linda McCartney got a lifetime 
achievement award from PETA hon- 
oring their longtime campaign for 
vegetarianism. . . . Rancid begins 
recording its next album this month. 
The Jimi Hendrix Festival, originally 
scheduled for fall 1996 in New York, 
has been rescheduled for this spring. 
Expect an all-star tribute concert as 
part of the festivities. . . . Rent's Daphne 
Rubin-Vega has recorded her solo CD 
for release in mid-1997. . . . A reunion 
concert with the three surviving mem- 
bers of Led Zep and Jason Bonham is in 
the works for England this summer, It 
will be held at Knebworth County 


Park, the site of the band’s last perfor- 
mance in 1979. No firm dates yet. . . - 
A book publisher claims he has a Bea- 
tles book—a kind of oral history by the 
three surviving members and Yoko. 
He plans a 500,000-copy first edition 
of The Bible on the Beatles for next Oc- 
tober. . . . Look for the new Live CD 
any day now. . . . A rock-and-roll auc- 
tion held last fall in Newport Reach, 
California included the following 
items: Kurt Cobain's discharge papers 
from a rehab center, Elvis’ white jump- 
suit, a Les Poul guitar signed by Guns n* 
Roses and Stevie Ray Vaughan's set list 
from his final concert. . . . It is alto- 
gether possible that you haven't heard 
of the Chinery Collection of premiere 
vintage guitars. So look for the coffec- 
table book The Chinery Collection: 150 
Years of American Guitars, and a CD re- 
lease, Masterpiece Guitars, featuring 
jazz guitarist Martin Taylor and Yes’ 
‘Steve Howe. And check out the exhibit 
at the Smithsonian of 50 guitars from 
the collection. (Scott Chinery is a 36- 
year-old collector who says, “The gui- 
tar is one of America's art forms.") . . . 
The largest collection of Hank Williams 
memorabilia is on display in Nashville 
at the Country Music Hall of Fame 
and Museum and includes costumes, 
original song manuscripts and rare 
artifacts—all owned by Marty Stuart. . . . 
We don't usually make a fuss about 
Chicago music, but thanks to Frankie 
Knuckles, house music is associated 
with Chicago all over the world. A fine 
new CD, The House That Trax Built, 
will get you going with the likes of 
Frankie, Marshall Jefferson and Jamie 
Principle. For more on Trax, write 932 
W. 38th Place, Chicago, IL 60609. 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


17 


18 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


CZECH-BORN director Milos Forman, a 
two-time Oscar winner (for One Flew 
Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Amadeus), 
should reap new honors with The People 
vs. Lorry Flynt (Columbia). From a screen- 
play seething with humor, drama and 
social relevance (co-authored by Scott 
Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, the 
team that wrote Ed Wood), Forman has 
wrought an ultrapop masterpiece about 
the controversial publisher of Hustler. 
Here, Flynt's stormy career in defense 
of First Amendment freedom more 
than compensates for his reputation 
as a raunchy, uncontrollable eccentric. 
Woody Harrelson portrays him as a 
“scumbag” (as Flynt calls himself) from 
Kentucky who gets rich by building his 
Ohio strip clubs into a magazine empire 
that blatantly promotes “pussy” shots. 
“All I'm guilty of is bad taste,” Flynt pro- 
claims while the law closes in. After do- 
ing jail time, he is permanently para- 
lyzed by an unknown-assailant's bullet 
and finally wins his point about censor- 
ship in a historic Supreme Court case 
against the Reverend Jerry Falwell (who 
sued for libel after being mocked in print 
by Flynt as having had sex with his own 
mother). You don’t have to like Flynt to 
admire the film's ultimate defense of 
him. He is a schlock merchant, perhaps, 
but one ennobled by fierce, unshakable 
convictions. 

Caroming through the best role he 
has ever had, Harrelson is nearly up- 
staged by Courtney Love, who gives 
a eringly honest performance as 
Flynt's wife, Althea, a drug-addicted sex- 
pot. Love is an electrifying screen pres- 
ence. There is stunning work by Edward 
Norton as Flynt's harassed young lawyer, 
particularly his compelling Supreme 
Court summation. Also first-rate are 
Brett Harrelson (Woody's sibling) as 
Flynt's brother Jimmy, Crispin Glover as. 
an aide named Arlo and James Crom- 
well as Flynt's courtroom nemesis 
Charles Keating (the moral crusader lat- 
er imprisoned for fraud). That Forman 
cast former Clinton strategist James 
Carville as a porn prosecutor is more 
distracting than helpful. To better effect, 
New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani's 
wife, Donna Hanover, a TV anchor in 
real life, plays evangelist Ruth Carter 
Stapleton, who oversees Flynt's brief 
conversion to Christianity. Forman 
keeps the screen alive with surprises in 
the most scintillating and outrageous 
message movie of the decade. ¥¥¥¥ 


Americans abroad are on parade in 
The Portrait of a Lady (Gramercy), based on 
the Henry James novel about an inde- 


Harrelson and Love: In like Flynt. 


Defending schlock from censors, 
forsaking love for pulp fiction, 
and reworking some classics. 


pendent young heiress’ romantic misad- 
ventures in Еигоре Filmed in Italy and 
England but doggedly empha 
bleak interiors over regional scenery, the 
movie stars Nicole Kidman as the titular 
lady, Isabel Archer. She is supported 
by John Malkovich, who gives a man- 
nered performance as her misogynistic 
husband, Gilbert; Barbara Hershey as 
the mysterious, conniving Madame 
Merle; and Martin Donovan as cousin 
Ralph. Also featured are Mary-Louise 
Parker, Shelley Winters, Sir John Giel- 
gud and Shelley Duvall. Performances 
by this illustrious cast are adrift in di- 
rector Jane Campion’s strangely 
stylized drama, characterized by ex- 
treme close-ups, very dim lighting and 
tight shots of nervous hands and scurry- 
ing feet. After her 1993 triumph with 
The Piano, Campion strikes some discor- 
dant notes here and makes James classic 
Portrait pretty dull. ¥¥ 
е 


А true story of unrequited love be- 
tween a young schoolteacher named 
Novalyne Price and writer Robert E. 
Howard unfolds at a leisurely pace in The 
Whole Wide World (Sony Classics). How- 
ard—a pioneer author of pulp fiction— 
created the barbarian superhero Conan 
and achieved fame writing for Weird 
Tales. In 1936, as portrayed with a nice 
blend of bumptiousness and bravura by 
Vincent D'Onofrio, he's just an aspiring 
Texas egomaniac, devoted to selling far- 


out adventure yarns and caring for his 
sick mother (Ann Wedgeworth). Direc- 
tor Dan Ireland's first feature follows the 
memoir One Who Walked Alone, written 
decades after the fact by Price. In that 
role, as the plucky young woman who 
can't wring a commitment from the elu- 
sive man she loves, Renee Zellweger is 
bright, feisty and forlorn. It's a fine per- 
formance in an overlong movie that pro- 
jects real emotional pain but would seem 
far-fetched as fiction. УУУ» 


The full text of Shakespeare's Hamler 
(Columbia/Castle Rock) consumes more 
than four hours of screen time in the 
film version directed by Kenneth Bra- 
nagh, who also adapted and stars in this 
sumptuous new production. Branagh 
assembled a great Anglo-American cast, 
assigning relatively minor roles to such 
big names as Jack Lemmon (the guard 
Marcellus), Charlton Heston (the Player 
King), Billy Crystal (the gravedigger) 
and Robin Williams (as the foppish 
Osric). All provide solid backup to stel- 
lar stints by Julie Christie as Queen 
Gertrude, Kate Winslet Ophelia, 
Derek Jacobi as Claudius, Michael 
Maloney as Laertes and Richard Briers 
as Polonius. Hamlet was shot both in 
Blenheim Palace and on elegant sets that 
are like no Elsinore in memory. Bra- 
nagh's performance in the title role 
ranges from over-the-top to under- 
played, but his Hamlet is volatile and 
passionate. Several tasteful nude scenes 
leave little doubt that the Danish prince 
had done a fair share of fooling around 
with the doomed Ophelia. Despite the 
estimable Hamlets preceding it on the big 
screen (Olivier's in 1948, Mel Gibson's 
in 1990), Branagh’s is definitely one for 
the books. ¥¥¥¥ 


Sex, infidelity, espionage and betrayal 
are powerfully interwoven in The English 
Patient (Miramax), a lush romantic epic 
of the old school. Adapted by writer-di- 
rector Anthony Minghella from Michael 
Ondaatje’s Booker Prize-winning novel, 
the film moves from Italy to north Africa 
in the years before and immediately af- 
ter World War Two. England's Ralph 
Fiennes boosts his leading-man status in 
the title role as Almásy, an explorer and 
linguist whose rash, clandestine affair 
with a colleague's wife is the movie's 
main event. As the wife, Kristin Scott 
Thomas projects the vintage movie-star 
glamour ofa Bergman or a Dietrich, and 
her scenes with Fiennes are sexually 
strong. 

Following a plane crash in the Sahara 
that leaves him badly burned, Almásy is 
cared for by a Canadian nurse named 


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22 


Unger: On a Crash course. 


OFF CAMERA 


She has been compared to Ba- 


call and Bardot. But Deborah 
Unger, at 30—blonde and beauti- 
ful, with a voice like crushed vel- 
vet—carves out her own niche in 
David Cronenberg's controversial 
Crash. The movie shook up the 
Cannes Festival with its portrait of 
auto-erotic characters turned on 
by car smash-ups, leg braces and 
scar tissue, Variety hailed Unger for 
her performance as James Spa- 
der's wife, who “most perfectly per- 
sonifies the film's prevailing sense 
of cool and daring.” Since then, 
Unger has been promoting Crash 
from Hamburg to Tokyo, calling it 
“metaphorical.” She admits, how- 
ever: “I was initially terrified by 
the script, because I didn’t under- 
stand it. But it’s really not about 
sex. The theme is isolation, about 
people trying to connect in an age 
of cars, computers and phones.” 
Unger was born in Canada and 
spent several years in Australia at 
its prestigious National Institute of 
Dramatic Arts. She debuted in the 
U.S. with a bang as an erotically 
supercharged psychiatric patient 


has teamed sis Spader again in a 
movie titled Tornado. She's James 
Russo's wife in No Way Home, in 
which she is tempted into a love 
triangle with Tim Roth (“I don't 
have favorite roles, but I loved t 
one"), and is currently shooting 
The Game, which co-stars Michael 
Douglas and Sean Penn. 

Unger calls herself “a nomad, 
living not far from the D in the 
Hollywood sign.” If she has a role 
model, “it's Gena Rowlands, a no- 
b.s. femme, or maybe Grace Kelly 
or Bette Davis.” Unquestionably 
ambitious, she sees herself as a shy, 
private person offscreen. “I don’t 
have a klieg-light sort of social life; 
no one has knelt in front of me 
to profess undying love. Anyway, 
I'm too busy to care. And I’m get- 
ting scripts from some interesting 
directors.” 


Hana in a deserted Italian monastery as 
the war ends. Warmly played by Juliette 
Binoche, Hana fears that everyone she 
loves is doomed to die. Her own story in- 
volves a fling with a Sikh demolition ex- 
pert named Kip (Naveen Andrews) and 
friendship with a professed thief and con 
man (Willem Dafoe) who believes the 
scarred, supposedly amnesiac English- 
man may have been a wartime spy. The 
truth emerges in flashbacks to Almásy's 
obsession with a woman he can't have. 
Overall, The English Patient is novelistic to 
a fault and requires close attention at 
times. But for literate viewers—meaning 
any who don't let references to prim- 
itive art and the writings of Herodo- 
tus cool their blood—the film pays off 
with its love stories connected by in- 
trigue and headlong desire. УУУУ 


Class war underlies La Cérémonie (New 
Yorker Films), a fine-tuned French thrill- 
er by writer-director Claude Chabrol. 
The title refers to pre-execution rituals, 
and the plot concerns three women 
brought together in a deadly game. 
Jacqueline Bisset is Catherine, a wife and 
mother running an elegant chateau and 
in need of an efficient housekeeper. She 
unwittingly hires a prim young psychot- 
ic named Sophie (Sandrine Bonnaire), 
who seems almost too perfect. Sophie’s 
hidden agenda doesn’t surface until she 
strikes up an acquaintance with Jeanne 
(Isabelle Huppert), a deranged post- 
mistress in the nearby village who was 
once acquitted of murdering her own 
child. Jeanne detests Catherine's well-to- 
do husband (Jean-Pierre Cassell) and 
sets the stage for a chilling act of 
vengeance. Chabrol coolly lays out the. 
plot's fearsome inevitability, under- 
played brilliantly by Bonnaire and Hup- 
pert. This is subversive shock treatment. 
for the stouthearted. ¥¥¥ 


A topflight cast gives a big boost to 
Blood and Wine (Fox Searchlight), which 
would otherwise be a standard B movie. 
But with Jack Nicholson and Judy Davis 
as a dysfunctional married pair, Stephen 
Dorff as Nicholson’s alienated stepson 
and Michael Caine as his unstable part- 
ner in crime, director Bob Rafelson’s 
drama about murder, robbery and pur- 
suit is darkly comic. Nicholson plays a 
dealer in expensive wines, plotting to 
pay off some debts by stealing a jeweled 
necklace from a rich client. He also plans 
to fly away with his sexy mistress (Jen- 
nifer Lopez), who works for the client. 
gs get complicated when his wife 
begins to suspect and his stepson gets a 
look at the mistress, while his terminally 
ill cohort (Caine) fumes at the ama- 
teurism of the heist. The actors play a 
middling tale for much more than it's 
worth, upgrading Blood and Wine with 
good vintage flavor. ¥¥/2 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Albino Alligator (Reviewed 1/97) Kevin 
Spacey's directorial debut is a hellish 
tale of hostages in harm's way. УЗУ: 
Blood and Wine (See review) Nicholson 
and class-A cast beef up a vin ordinaire 
B-movie plot. y 
Breaking the Waves (12/96) Paralyzed 
man’s wife cheers him up with her 
sexploits. wy 
la Cérémonie (See review) Chilling 
Chabrol tale of mass murder in a 
French chateau. wy 
Citizen Ruth (1/97) Laura Dern is 
exhibit A in a satirical battle about 
abortion. wy 
The Crucible (1/97) The witches of 
Salem revisited, with Daniel Day- 
Lewis and Joan Allen in Arthur Mil- 
ler's classic. УУУУ 
The English Patient (See review) Rich 
romantic saga stars Ralph Fiennes 
and Kristin Scott Thomas, and there's 
been nothing like it lately. EM 
Everyone Says I Love You (1/97) Woody 
goes musical in a minor key. yvy 
Hamlet (See review) A spectacular ver- 
sion by Branagh. УУУУ 
Im Not Rappaport (12/96) Geriatric 
drollery, but better as a stage play. VY 
Margaret’s Museum (Listed only) Ugh! 
You won't believe what's on display. Y 
Mother (1/96) Albert Brooks directs 
himself and Debbie Reynolds in a 
dry, funny fable about a man running 
home to his mom. wy 
The People vs. Larry Flynt (See review) 
The First Amendment defended in 
Milos Forman's brilliant, timely black 
comedy. yyy 
The Portrait of а Lady (See review) 
Nicole Kidman, oddly framed by 
Jane Campion. YY 
Ridicule (1/97) Wicked, courtly mind 
games at Versailles during Louis 
XVI's reign. yyy 
Shine (1/97) Enthralling, mostly true 
Australian drama about a mad piano 
virtuoso's meteoric career. УУУУ 
Sling Blade (1/97) Poignant portrait 
of a well-meaning murderer whose 
homecoming seems headed for a re- 
peat performance. wy 
Some Mother’s Son (11/96) In jail, wild 
Irish rebels stage a hunger strike. ¥¥¥ 
The Substance of Fire (1/97) Family feud 
about book publishing. wy 
The Whole Wide World (Scc review) 
A pulp author and the woman who 
got away. ¥2 
To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday (12/96) 
Michelle Pfeiffer is Peter Gallagher’s 
late wife, gone but definitely not 
forgotten. Wir | 


YY Worth a look | 
Y Forget it 


УУУУ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


VIDEO 


GUEST SEDIT 


"Video is the only 
practical way to 
watch movies over 
and over," says Rich- 
ard Linklater, director 
of Slacker and Dazed 
and Confused and 
artistic director of the 
Austin Film Society. 
So what frequents the Gen-X expert's re- 
play menu? “Melodramatic films from the 
Fifties with obsessive characters like Ar- 
turo de Cordova in El. He's a paranoid who 
first falls for his love's foot." Also оп Link- 
later’s list of must-see performances: 
Robert Mitchum's religious fanatic in Might 
of the Hunter, James Mason's drug-terror- 
ized teacher in Bigger Than Life and Rock 
Hudson's dipsomaniacal degenerate 
turned eye surgeon in Magnificent Obses- 
sion. With such a highly charged lineup 
of favorites, is there anything he can't 
stomach? “Nothing, really. | even liked 
Showgirls.” — nic tectum 


VIDBITS 


A&E Home Video does not live by its Bi- 
ography series alone. Now from kid-sister 
subsidiary the History Channel comes 
Ching Rising ($49.95), a three-tape crash 
course on the sleeping giant—from the 
glamour of Twenties Shanghai to Mao's 
cultural revolution to the country’s rise 
as an economic colossus. Call 800-708- 
1776. . . . Paramount Home Video 
would like to remind you that before 
"Tom Cruise came along, Mission: Impossi- 
ble was doing just fine. Now available, a 
six-volume sampling ($9.95 each) from 
the spy show's 1966-1973 run. Cast in- 
cludes the usual gang—Martin Landau, 
Barbara Bain, Peter Graves, Greg Mor- 
ris and Peter Lupus—and a surpri 
ing batch of then-unknown supporting 
players, among them Ed Asner, Martin 
Sheen and Star Trek's George Takei. 


VIDEO VENGEANCE 


Don't get mad, get a movie. Here are 
some films in which revenge is sweet: 
Unforgiven (1992): Gunslinger Clint East- 
wood comes out of retirement to stand 
up for Wild West hookers done wrong. 
Oscars all around—including one for di- 
rector Eastwood. 

Walking Tall (1973): Southern sheriff Bu- 
ford Pusser (Joe Don Baker) takes a 
whack at political corruption—with a 
Louisville Slugger—in this gritty true 
tale turned box-office sleeper. 

Death Wish (1974): A New York architect 
(Charles Bronson) turns vigilante to 
avenge daughter's rape and wife's rape- 


murder. Look for Jeff Goldblum in his 
film debut—as a mugger. 

Billy Jack (1971): Half-breed pacifist 
(yeah, right) Tom Laughlin protects 
small town from smaller-minded bigots. 
Best bit: Billy delivers a “can’t we all get 
along” speech while busting heads. 
Rocky Ш (1982): In this go-round as the 
Italian Stallion, Stallone pummels Mr. T 
for scaring manager Burgess Meredith 
to death. Sure, the plot’s a little hokey— 
but so is Mr. T. 

Southern Comfort (1981): Arrogant Nation- 
al Guardsmen get their comeuppance 
from angry Cajun woodsmen in the Bay- 
ov. Didn't they see Deliverance? 

White (1993): Sexy hairdresser Julie Del- 
py dumps her limp-willy husband; he 
fakes his death, gives her the boink of 
her life, then frames her for his murder. 
From Kicslowski's Three Colors trilogy. 
She-Devil (1989): Roseanne does the first- 
wives-club thing, methodically wrecking 
the lives of her ex and his romance noy- 
list lover, Meryl Streep. Classic perfor- 
mances by both women. 

Strow Dogs (1971): Wimpy mathemati- 
cian Dustin Hoffman and British wife 
Susan George settle the score with vil- 
lage thugs the Sam Peckinpah way— 
with lots of gore. 

Tombstone (1993): Nary a Clanton nor in- 
nocent bystander is left standing when 
Wyatt Earp (Kurt Russell) and Doc Hol- 
liday (Val Kilmer) finish their orgy of 
reprisal. Old tale refreshingly retold. 
Revenge of the Nerds (1984): Brainy col- 
lege geeks strike back. Their best re- 
venge? Two sequels. —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


X-RATED 
VIDEO OF 
THE MONTH: 


In Justin Sterling's 
Head Trip, an ordi- 
nary Joe is visited by 
his lusty childhood- 
fantasy dream girl 
(Shayla La Veaux), 
who proceeds to 
mess with his sex life. Lots of fiery action, 
kicked off by T.T. Boy's landmark opening- 
scene fuckathon. Oh, yeah, have a hot 
Valentine's Day. 


LASER FARE 


After years of promises, Voyager's Crite- 
rion Collection edition of Terry Gilliam's 
technology-hell parable, Brazil (1985), 
has finally arrived in stores. Among the 
bells and whistles on the five-platter set: 
commentary by Gilliam, additional 
footage, leuerboxing and a fine, 100- 
minute documentary on the movie's pe- 
culiar history, narrated by Newsday's Jack 
Mathews. . . . Image Entertainment has 
released its Russ Meyer Signature Col- 
lection (with Meyer autographs on the 
first 2500 boxes). Package includes the 
big-bust-cinema pioneer's trio of vixen 
films—Vixen, Supervixens and Beneath the 
Valley of the Ultravixens—along with a 
“treasure chest” of supplementary mate- 
rials, including Meyer's characteristically 
colorful ruminations on the audio track. 
Wide-screen editions? As wide as they 
need to be. —GREGORY P. FAGAN 


A Time to Kill (lawyer McConaughey defends S.L. Jacksan 


for killing daughter's rapists; taut, 


well-acted Grisham), 


Couroge Under Fire (Denzel tries ta prove Gulf war casualty 
| Meg Ryan merits a medal; intense but predictable). 


The Frighteners (ghostbuster M.J. Fox gets in cahaots with 
spooks, then faces a murderous spirit; decent FX), Phenome- 
non (weird heavenly light turns regular guy into freaky ge- 
nius; Travolta's charm softens the preuchiness). 


STYLE 


IT'S IN THE BAG 


Label-conscious duffers who stocked their closets with design- 
er golf threads last spring can now pick up status bags to 
match. For $1600, Salvatore Ferragamo offers a navy blue cot- 
ton golf bag with a leather strap and trim, gold-tone hardware 
anda golf club print (below at right). Italian designer Luciano 
Barbera, known for luxurious tailored sportswear, offers a wa- 

ter-repellent beluga caviar-grain calfskin bag 
in natural (center) or black, with 
wood covers and leather straps 
{about $2200). There’s 
also a Giorgio Armani 
bag in black nylon canvas 
with brown leather ac- 
cents ($1085) and a spe- 
cial-order Louis Vuitton 
bag ($3000). At Burber- 
rys, nylon-and-polyester 
models come in standard 
(8365) and tournament 
size ($485), in the signa- 
ture camel plaid (pictured 
far left) or navy plaid. For 
those who carry their 
clubs, Ralph Lauren's 
navy nylon bag is light- 
weight, stands up by itself 
and hasa mesh water-bot- 
tle pocket ($145). And at 
Barneys, you can get a va- 
riety of patterned bags in 
leather or canvas ($295 
to $695). The store's most 
expensive—and at- 
tractive—model is black calfskin trimmed in brown 
saddle leather with matching head covers. 


SOUTH FOR THE WINTER 


When vacationing in the wopics, you need versatile 

separates that travel well and don't wrinkle. Try Tom- 
my Hilfiger's zip-front, silver-lined windbreaker in 
red, yellow, black or blue ($110). Equally colorful are 
Gene Meyer's silk shirts, which come in icy blue and sil- 
ver with bubble or teardrop prints ($135). Meyer also of- 
fers cotton-and-Lycra knits in apple green, sky blue, man- 
go or navy ($140). For dining outdoors, pair an ivory 
cotton terry sports jacket from Perry Ellis ($155) with 

DKNY's slim-fitting, stretch-cotton chinos in black, kha- 

ki, sand or navy ($115). Nicole Farhi's long-sleeved pull- 
over in navy and white nautical stripes ($97) is another 
terry wearable that won't wrinkle. On cool nights, try a 
long-sleeved V-neck pullover from CK Calvin Klein in 
dusty blue, yellow, orange sherbet, black or white ($115). 


S T Y 


HOT SHOPPING: HONOLULU 


Kapahulu Avenue in Honolulu is a laid-back area on the edge 


of Waikiki that’s brimming with shops, restaurants and coffee- 


houses. Bailey's An- 
CLOTHES LINE 


tiques and Aloha 
Shirts (517 Kapahu- 
lu Ave.): The world's Bill Maher, host of ABC’s Politically 
largest collection Incorrect, has a style that’s as eclec- 
of Hawaiian shirts, tic as his guest list. On the air, he 
plus vintage Nikes, wears Armani three- 
records and mar- button suits because 
Er O ошл “they have a nice cut.” 
E CEE Re Off camera, he takes 
pahulu Ave.): Kay- his fashion cues from 
TV sitcoms. “I get 
my pants at American 


aks and canoes, 

paddling shorts, 
Rag in Los Angeles," 
he says. “Kind of a 


sun hats and other 
Laura Petrie look." His 


outdoorsy items. € 

Soccer Locker (611 

Kapahulu Ave.): Soc- favorite baseball cap is 
from the 100th taping 
of Martin. "Can you 


cer equipment from 
around the world, 
including brightly imagine a less historic 
colored EINE д3 event to commemo- 
seys—a hot street ст” Maher also owns two tuxcs— 
style. e Sumo Con- from Armani and Hugo Boss—but 
nection (525 Ka- they don't measure up to his furry 
pahulu Ave): Caps, Icopard-pattern pants with a red 
Tshirts, towels, golf devil on the back pocket (also from 
American Rag), worn with, he dead- 
pans, “a smoking jacket.” 


balls and tees, all 
with a sumo wrestler 
logo. * Island Golf 
(404 Kapahulu 
Ave.): Look for shoes, clubs and clothes at this pro 
shop at the Alawai golf course, one of the most popu- 
Jar links in America. 


SCREEN/PLAY 


Whether this year’s spring break takes you to the 
| slopes or the beaches, the sun is sure to greet you. 
To ward off damaging UV rays, make sure you 
pack a double-duty moisturizer with sunscreen. 
Some of our favorites: Chanel Technique Pour 
Homme AHA+ High Performance Moisture 
Formula with SPF 8 and alpha-hydroxy acid to 
help slough off dead skin. Bijan's Face Saver has 
AHAs and SPF 6, plus soothing extracts of citrus, 
apple and green tea. Kenzo's Outdoor Moisturiz- 
ing Cream has the designer's sandalwood scent and 
a light sunscreen. For stronger protection, try Neu- 
trogena's fragrance-free and vitamin-rich Healthy з 
Skin With SPF 15 or Face Stockholm's unscented SPF ; 
Moisture Cream with aloe vera and shea butter. { 


7 


y 
Ji 


TIES IN 


| OUT | 


FABRICS 


PATTERNS AND COLORS 


Dressy looks such as tone-on-tone jecquards; 
iridescent toffeta; shiny silk satin 


Solids; cigar motifs; color-blocked and neat 
patterns in bright citrus colors 


“Casual Fridoy” knits; nubby linen or wool; 
flimsy cotton twill 


Paisleys; floral patterns; animal motifs; sub- 
dued shodes such as forest green and maroon 


HOW TO WEAR THEM 


With a Windsor knot on a spread collar; 
Casino-style with a matching shirt and tie 


Bow ties during the day; advertising your 
favorite sports or cartoon charocter 


Where & How Ic Buy on робе 169. 


THE 1950 
MERCURY 


Start with a '50 Mercury, one of the most 
beautiful cars ever to come out of Detroit 
Shave the nose and rear deck until they're 
as smooth as a cue ball. Chop the top to 
get that low and mean look. "French" the 
tail lights by recessing them in the body 
work, and then add a pair of chrome- 
tipped “lakes pipes” and a "maneater 
grille" for the proper bad-attitude. The 
1950 Mercury Custom has all the swagger 
and style of the original that inspired this 
dazzling model 


Amazingly detailed! 


The model is crafted from over 180 preci- 
sion parts in the large 1:24 scale. All major 


The Danbury Mint 
47 Richards Avenue 
Norwalk, CT 06857. 


THE 1950 
MERCURY CUSTOM 


A TSERRNEBHER engineered die-cast metal model — 
hand-assembled from over 180 precision parts. 


components are die-cast metal. Much as. 
if it were a full-scale custom vehicle, over 
120 separate steps are required to create 
the refined look of this model — including 
electroplating and careful masking- 
before it is individually hand-waxed toa 
show-ready finish 


Hood is mirror-lined to show 
off the customized engine. 


The 1950 Mercury Custom is available 
from the Danbury Mint at just $104, pay- 
able in four monthly installments 
of $26* To order, send no money now. 
Return your Reservation Application 
today! 


* Plus any applicable sales tax and $1.25 shipping and 


handling per installment аата AE 


reveal the custom upholstery. 


Custom interior is 
complete with “fuzzy dic 


Send 
no money 
now. 


RESERVATION APPLICATION 


Name э єл 


Vise pam aea T 


Address. 


YES! Reserve my 1950 Mercury Custom model as described in this 
announcement. My satisfaction is guaranteed. If not delighted, I may 
return my model within 30 days for replacement or refund 


Signature —— = 


City. 


State 


Zip 


2381FPY1 


Allow 210 4 weeks alter initial payment for shipment 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


IN Abbreviating Ernie (Villard), by Peter 
Lefcourt, Audrey Haas’ husband Ernie 
is a cross-dressing urologist from Sche- 
nectady who shackles her to the stove, 
then inconveniently dies of a heart at- 
tack while performing his marital du- 
ties. In handcuffs, impaled on her dead 
husband's still-erect penis and pinned 
against the antique O'Keefe & Merritt, 
Audrey has no choice but to amputate 
his member in order to save her own life. 

The cops find these circumstances sus- 
picious. After Audrey is accused of mur- 
der and dismemberment, her court case 
turns her into a celebrity and sets off a 
frenzy oF TV and newspaper coverage. 
Lefcourt uses Audrey's prosecution as a 
platform for a hilarious send-up of tab- 
loid justice and trial by media. 

The Unlikely Spy (Villard), by Daniel Sil- 
va: A first novel of remarkable ingenuity 
and daring that reignites our enthusi- 
asm for World War Two skulduggery. 

Alfred Vicary, professor of history at 
University College London, is recruited 
by his friend Winston Churchill to serve 
in MIS as director of a secret project to 
convince the Nazi high command that 
the Allied invasion of France will land at 
Calais, not Normandy. His counterpart 
in Germany is a man named Kurt Vogel, 
who is assigned to discover the truth 
about the invasion from the Nazi spy 
network in London. If Vicary succeeds, 
the Allies win the war; if he fails, the 
Nazis will repel the invasion forces. 

Beneath the traditional duel of spy vs. 
counterspy are layers of conflict and un- 
certainty familiar to readers of le Carré. 
Vicary becomes suspicious that his di- 
rect superior is withholding or tainting 
information. The ruthless German spy 
known as Catherine Blake— Vogel's 
finest student—begins to fall in love with 
her target, an American engineer de- 
signing an artifical harbor for the inva- 
sion. This isa book that will stick in your 
imagination long after you have figured 
out where all the pieces fit. 

Buckley: The Right Word (Random 
House), by William Е Buckley Jr., edited 
by Samuel S. Vaughan: Few writers wield 
the English language as skillfully as 
Buckley. Vaughan, Buckley's longtime 
editor, has selected examples from Buck- 
ley's essays, interviews, ripostes, letters 
and longer works of fiction and nonfic- 
tion that demonstrate the rich possibili- 
ties of our language. 

Conflicting Accounts: The Creation and 
Crash of the Saatchi & Saatchi Advertising Em- 
pire (Simon & Schuster), by Kevin Gold- 
man: In the Eighties, Maurice and 
Charles Saatchi assembled one of the 
world’s premiere advertising agencies. 

26 By 1995 Maurice was terminated from 


3 


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S ut 


Lefcourt's Abbreviating Erie. 


Cutting Ernie short, Buckley's 
highfalutin words and Mosley's 
prequel to the Easy Rawlins series. 


his position as chairman of Saatchi & 
Saatchi PLC. Months later, it was pay- 
back time: A vengeful Maurice started a 
rival firm and began stealing clients 
from his brother. Wall Street Journal 
writer Goldman tells the tale and holds 
up an extremely unflattering mirror to 
Madison Avenue 

Trunk Music (Little, Brown), by Michael 
Connelly: The title is copspeak for a 
Mafia hit, and this one is a classic. A Hol- 
lywood producer has been found in the 
trunk of his Rolls-Royce with two bullet 
holes in his cranium, the victim of a pro- 
fessional execution. Well-scasoned LAPD 
homicide detective Harry Bosch begins 
making headway on the case, but after 
he follows a money trail to Las Vegas, he 
is mysteriously reassigned. Undeterred, 
he continues to investigate despite indi- 
cators that he’s headed into danger. 

The Last Banner (Simon & Schuster), by 
Peter May: The 1985-1986 Boston Cel- 
tics stand as one of the greatest teams in 
NBA history—even Bulls and Lakers 
fans grudgingly acknowledge the finesse 
and polish of the team that went 40-1 in 
the old Boston Garden. May, an un- 
abashed Celtics fan, tells the story of a 
great team that reinvented itself after a 
heartbreaking loss to the 1984-1985 
Lakers to capture the NBA title and pass 
into basketball legend. 

High-Heel Blue (Simon & Schuster), by 
Diane K. Shah: Brenden Harlow is a fe- 
male Metro detective pulling decoy duty 
in an effort to catch a serial killer who 


has been terrorizing women at ATMs 
across southern California. With her 
marriage in tatters and her drinking get- 
ting out of hand, Brenden starts to re- 
ceive threatening phone calls on her an- 
swering machine from someone who 
scems to know her every move. 

Gone Fishin' (Black Classic Press), by 
Walter Mosley: Mystery novelist Mosley 
shares the prequel to his Easy Rawlins 
series with us, ending the speculation 
about how Easy and Mouse started out 
together. As they take the car trip from 
hell, you'll want to be riding shotgun. 


BOOKMARKS 


Dennis Rodman, fashion model, movie 
star and sometime Chicago Bulls player, 
scored a slam dunk with his autobiogra- 
phy, Bad As I Wanna Be. The best-selling 
author is planning two more books for 
Delacorte Press this year. The first, Rod- 
man Rules, will be a guide to living un- 
conventionally that is due in May, and 
for the holidays is an annotated portfolio 
of intimate photographs—presumably 
featuring hairdos of many colors. . . . 
Michael Crichton and Tom Clancy have had 
their hits, but no novelist has been con- 
sistently hotter at the box office than 
John Grisham. Coming soon from Para- 
mount is The Rainmaker, and after that, 
The Runaway Jury, which was bought by 
Warner Bros. for $8 million. . . . The suc- 
cess of the Stephen King serialization of 
The Green Mile has inspired fellow liter- 
ary terrorist John Saul to try the same 
stunt this month with The Blackstone 
Chronicles. The story focuses on Saul's fa- 
vorite ill-fated fictional town, where 
leading citizens receive mysterious, dan- 
gerous gifts. Each of the six 96-page in- 
stallments from Ballantine will cost 
$2.99. . . . The Independent Reader 
(http://www.independentreader.com) is 
a new Internet site created by 13 large 
independent bookstores to provide 
readers with an alternative to best-seller 
lists. Each store will recommend five ti- 
Чез a month, with reviews, author bi- 
ographies and related information. .. .A 
steamy tell-all has been optioned for a 
four-hour ABC-TV Hallmark miniseries. 
The Memoirs of Cleopatra, a 1700-page 
novel by Margaret George, will be pub- 
lished by St. Martin's this summer. . . . 
We've always liked Jonathan Kellermar's 
detective novels featuring child psychol- 
ogist Alex Delaware. Rumor has it that 
Random House has just paid $4 million 
per book for a five-book deal to lure the 
author away from his longtime pu 
er, Bantam. But Kellerman is so prolific 
that Random House will have to wait un- 
til Bantam finishes bringing out his 11th 
and 12th novels this year and next. 


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Enjoy Red Label Responsibly 


1996 Schefoin & Samenet Са, New York, N.Y. 
Johns Walker Red Lebel”, Blended Scotch Whey. 
40% Ак. Nol, (80) 


HEALTH & FITNESS 


HORMONE HYPE 


Unless you've just returned from a Jupiter probe you've 
probably encountered DHEA, the hyped Miracle-Gro for hu- 
mans. It's been touted to improve mood, increase sex drive, 
cut cancer risk and promote longevity. And it’s legal. 

It also may not be totally 
safe. DHEA is a steroid hor- 
mone produced by the 
adrenal glands, which sit 
just above the kidneys. As 
with any sex-hormone ther- 
apy, risks from taking 
DHEA supplements include 
facial hair on women and 
enlarged breasts for men. 
More important, there have 
been no long-term studies 
on humans to establish 
DHEX's efficacy and safety. 
A recent Northwestern Uni- 
versity study found that rats 
developed liver cancer after 
they were fed DHEA for a 
year and a half. The giant health-food chain Whole Foods 
Market does not stock DHEA because of the current lack ofin- 
formation about the hormone's long-term effect on humans. 

Melatonin, another popular hormonal supplement (secret- 
ed naturally by the pineal gland), has been readily available 
longer and is probably safer. Doctors, by the way, can now test 
whether you're DHEA-de- 
ficient. If you're not, why 
mess with mother nature? 


SWEAT LIKE 
THE STARS 


"The Versaclimber is 
all the rage in Holly- 
wood. Bruce and 
Demi owe their buff 
bods to regular 
workouts on it. 
Tom Hanks and 
Warren Beatty are loyal 
users; so are Michelle 
Pfeiffer and Madonna. 
And several actors, in- 
cluding Tom Cruise and Sylvester Stallone, are so addicted 
they demand the contraption on movie sets. What's the ap- 
peal? A Versaclimber workout is kind of like climbing a lad- 
der—to the moon. The machine stands more than seven feet 
tall with grips and pedals for the handsand feet. Once you get 
going you can burn 1000 calories an hour. It’s challenging— 
and more fun than it sounds. ‘Try it at top health clubs or, if 
your ceiling permits, pick up the home version. Prices range 
from about $1400 for an entry-level home model to $3650 for 
the deluxe club machine with a heart-rate monitor, 


Cruise: Far ond away buff. 


BEST NET BETS 


Sitting immobilized in front of your computer may not 
seem the best strategy to get fit, but there's a mother lode of 
health information online. Our nod goes to Fitness Link 
(www.fitnesslink.com), a comprehensive guide to wellness on 
the Web featuring workout and nutrition info, articles, prod- 

28 uct reviews and links to hundreds of other health- and exer- 


cise-related sites. 

Wondering if you 
packed on a few ex- 
tra pounds over the 
holidays? Plug in 
your height, weight 
and activity level 
to the nutritional 
profile at Cyberdiet 
(www.cyberdiet. 
com) and this inter- 
active dietitian will 
calculate your ideal 
weight and offer a 
specific plan that will help you achieve it. 

For brain fitness, follow the fascinating work on the human 
gene map, the international effort to identify the tens of thou- 
sands of genes in the human genome—all the genetic materi- 
al inside a human cell. The project's scope has been compared 
to putting a man on the moon. It's an unprecedented chance 
to monitor research on disease—and receive late-breaking da- 
ta. Find it at www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/science96, 


VITAMIN WORKOUT 


Congratulations if you're one of the 20 million Americans 
headed to a health club this year. You should also know that 
physical activity can increase your need for certain nutrients. 

Three grams of vitamin C taken daily by 25 test subjects re- 
duced muscle soreness after exertion by up to 44 percent. It 
was particularly helpful to the calf muscles. German scientists 
found vitamin F reduces DNA damage when given 14 days 
prior to exercise. min E is also handy for skiers who want 

to maximize their performances at high altitudes. Mean- 

while, a Dutch study reports that men who don't get 

enough B vitamins suffer lower aerobic power and lower 
oxygen consumption. The message is clear: Stop by the 
vitamin counter. 


DR. PLAYBOY 


Q My wife has had trouble getting pregnant. Now my 
doctor tells me I have a varicocele and need surgery. 
What's the deal? 


A: The good news is, you have a readily fixable prob- 
lem. The better news is that it’s become even 
easier to fix. 

Varicoceles, which are enlarged veins 
in the scrotum, are a leading cause of 
male infertility. No one knows precisely 
why—presumably the condition affects the 
quality of sperm. In the past, the repair of 
these vessels required elaborate surgery. Now 
there’s a technique in which a catheter is 
threaded through a vein to the groin and a 
clotting agent is injected under X-ray guid- 
ance. The new procedure, usually performed 
by a radiologist, means less pain, no hospitaliza- 
tion, litle or no recuperation time and a price 
that may be less than half the cost of surgery. 
You may want to practice pronouncing the 
name before you debrief your doctor. It’s called 
percutaneous varicocele occlusion. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 162. 


In а world of darkness, the Wizard alone can 
renew the life-giving light of the Crystal... 


Guardian 
of the Crystal 


An expertly crafted figurine sculpted 
with fascinating, hand-painted details! 


Since time began, the Crystal has held the powers 
of hope and light. But now its radiance has been 
weakened by a wicked sorceress who plots to 
create a realm of ever-lasting darkness that she 
alone will rule. 


Only the Wizard knows the secrets that will restore 
the Crystal's power. But he is centuries old and 
his memory of the ancient incantations is dim. 
Can he call on his powers one last time...to 
save the light of the world? 


Discover the answer when you acquire the 
Guardian of the Crystal, a spectacular figurine 
Й) available exclusively from the Danbury Mint! 


il; adorned with a pur 


©) The Guardian of the Crystal is expertly crafted o 
cold-cast porcelain, a material prized for its ability 
to hold intricate detail. Notice the wrinkles of time on 
the Wizard's lifelike face and the rich texture of his 
flowing beard. Skillful hand-painting brings to life 
the Owl of Wisdom on his shoulder, the cunning and 
resourceful Squox (half-squirrel, half fox), and the 
red-eyed Dragon of Courage at his feet. The sphere in 
his hands is genuine, high-quality crystal. 


You can own the Guardian of the Crystal for just $49.90, 
payable in two convenient installments of $24.95*. Your 
satisfaction is guaranteed. If not completely satisfied, 

you may return the sculpture within 30 days for a replace- 
ment or refund. To order, return your Reservation 
Application today! 


"Plus any applicable sales tax and $2.25 shipping and handling per installment. 


А 
the Dabry Mint 


© MBI 47 Richards Avenue • Norwalk, CT 06857 
> ы - w 


The Danbury Mint i Send 
| 47 Richards Avenue _ Guardian no money 
æ Norwalk, crocs57 Of the Crystal now. 


Yes! Please accept my reservation for Guardian of the 
Crystal as described in this announcement. 


Name 


Please pin dearly 


Address 
City 
State/Zip 
= Ф Signature EEG — 
Shown actual size of 9." in height. Allow 4 to 8 wecks after initial payment for shipment. 7992FPY1 


MEN 


Пеп Fein and Sherrie Schneider, 

authors of a best-selling book 
called The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for 
Capturing the Heart of Mr. were on 
Imus in the Morning last October. Rarely 
have I seen Don Imus intimidated by 
anybody, but this day he was. Fein and 
Schneider were talking his headphones 
off. “These two women are absolutely 
out of control,” Imus finally griped. 

I began shouting at my TV. “Take back 
the morning, I-Man,” I yelled. “These 
chicks are breaking one of their own 
rules right now, so call them on it." I was 
referring to rule three in The Rules 
("Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too 
Much”), which explains to women how 
to exploit the typical male: “If you're 
smart, you'll stay cool and just listen to 
what he says. He'll think you're interest- 
ing and mysterious.” 

“What are The Rules?” the authors ask. 
“The purpose of The Rules is to make Mr. 
Right obsessed with having you as his by 
making yourself seem unattainable. In 
plain language. we're talking about play- 
ing hard to get!” 

Playing hard to get, feigning disinter- 
est, fooling men—these are the funda- 
mental lessons of The Rules. In other 
words, the Nineties may be almost over, 
but the 21st century is nowhere in 
“It’s an old-fashioned formula, but 
ally works,” say Fein and Schneider. 

The Rules contains 35 rules for female 
behavior. Here are a few of my favorites: 

Rule One: Be a Creature Unlike Any Oth- 
er. Awoman should adopt “an attitude, a 
sense of confidence and radiance.” All 
her movements should be “fluid and 
sexy,” and she should remain “demure” 
and “mysterious” (there's that word 
again). 

Rule Two: Don't Talk to a Man First (and 
Don't Ask Him to Dance). Why not? Be- 
cause you will interfere with “the natural 
order of things—namely, that man pur- 
sues woman.” 

Rule Five: Don't Call Him and Rarely Re- 
turn His Calls. “To call men is to pursue 
them, and they will immediately know 
that you like them and possibly lose 
interest!” 

Rule Fourteen: No More Than Casual 
Kissing on the First Date. “Keeping it to a 
kiss will force him not to think of you as 
just a physical object.” 

Rule Fifteen: Don’t Rush Into Sex and 
Other Rules for Intimacy. “Making him 


t re- 


30 wait will only increase his desire and will 


By ASA BABER 


THE RULES 
FOR MEN 


create more passion when you finally 
have sex.” 

The beat goes on: Don't live with a 
man, don't go dutch on a date, always 
end a date first, stop dating him if he 
doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your 
birthday or Valentine's Day (that’s rule 
12!), don't see him more than twice a 
week, don't accept a Saturday night date 
after Wednesday, always be honest but 
mysterious and don't discuss The Rules 
with your therapist (“Some therapists 
will think The Rules are dishonest and 
manipulative”) 

That would be some smart therapist. 
Isn't it time to create a set of rules for 
men? Here we are, shy and misunder- 
stood human beings, eager for marriage 
and commitment, never focused on sex 
or sensuality, delicate and modest at 
heart, and yet somehow our image has 
become tarnished. We are profoundly 
misunderstood, and many of us are con- 
tinually rejected by women. What fol- 
lows, then, are the Rules for Men. Mem- 
orize them, live by them and eventually 
you will win the affections of Ms. Right: 

(1) Never Answer Your Phone and Never 
Return Her Calls. This rule will drive her 
nuts, but follow it to the letter and she'll 
try to break down your door and jump 
your bones within the month. 

(2) Always Wear a Veil. This may sound 
like a radical suggestion to some men, 


but it is not. When a man covers half his 
face with a veil, he hides many of his true 
feelings from the world. He becomes an 
object of mystery instead of just another 
horny dickhead on the highway of life. 
Ms. Right will be tantalized by your veil, 
I promise. But watch out if you chew to- 
bacco (not a good habit for veil wearers). 

(3) Always Carry a Handkerchief to Drop 
in Front of the Woman of Your Dreams. This 
flirtatious gesture, which must be grace- 
ful in its execution, requires no conver- 
sation, yet it will show you if she cares for 
you. If she docsn't pick up your hankic 
and return it, she is not interested in you 
(or perhaps she is repulsed by all those 
big green boogers that you were saving 
in it from last winter). 

(4) Never Date Ms. Right More Than 
Twice a Yar. Women need to be teased. 
They love foreplay. So you turn foreplay 
into a semiannual event. Imagine her 
level of lust if you haven't seen each oth- 
er for six months. Besides, if you are 
there all the time for her, she'll get bored 
with you. 

(5) Demand That She Pay for Everything. 
This is the age of the independent 
woman. Don't take your wallet on a date. 
Don't have any food in your house. If 
she invites you to her place for dinner, 
bring your own shopping bags so you 
can stock up. 

(6) While on a Date With Her, Don't 
Talk—Not a Word. Women love to talk 
and rarely listen to us anyway, so this one 
is a no-brainer. Silence is golden and 
makes you appear to be a creature unlike 
any other. 

(7) Don't Look at Her. Pretend She Doesn't 
Exist. It may be seventh on my list, but 
this rule has gotten more men laid—and 
even married—than any other. Women 
love being ignored. 

(8) Don't Have Sex With Her Until You're 
95 Years Old. This is the ultimate in safe- 
sex advice. By avoiding physical contact, 
you will prove that you love her for her 
mind, not her body. In this situation, it's 
OK to have a little beaver on the side, of 
course—but don't tell Ms. Right. Be- 
cause then you might appcar to be an 
open-minded man who appreciates 
straight and honest signals between men 
and women. And that would be a lie, 
wouldn't it? 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking BEL E 


Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, nicotine, av. per cigarette by FTC method. 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


"OVER 500 THANK YOU'S 
IN ONE NIGHT!” 


SMOKER APPRECIATION PARTIES. 
ANOTHER WAY WE LISTEN TO YOU. 


A 
ce CLASSA 


CIGARETTES 


Evan Rickle talks about life in 
Tobaccoville, NC with Frank Malloy, 
who was one of 


ne of over 500 guests 
at our Party in Tampa, FL. 


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Visit Club Bacardi at www.bacardi.com: 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


М, boyfriend and I had а layover of 
several hours at a major airport during a 
trip with a bunch of other college fresh- 
men. While we were browsing the stores, 
ме saw some of those private office cubi- 
cles called Ziosks. My boyfriend whipped 
out a credit card his dad had loaned him 
and rented one for three hours (he’s 
planning to tell his dad it’s an ice-cream 
parlor). Inside were a table, chairs and a 
love seat. I closed the blinds on the door 
and we stripped off our clothes. He got 
on the floor and I lowered myself on top 
of him. It was wild! We began telling 
each other about all the people and 
things going on around us: the meeting 
in the Ziosk next door, the people in the 
bar watching CNN, travelers getting on 
and off planes, the elderly couple we had 
been talking to while we had a bite at the 
snack bar. It was a real turn-on knowing 
that we were screwing our brains out in 
the middle of a crowd. Since then we've 
tried things such as skinny-dipping in a 
farmer's pond in the middle of the day 
and fucking in the basement of his par- 
ents’ home while his mom was throwing 
a wedding shower upstairs. Maybe we're 
weird, but we like these risky situations. 
Are there any books that might suggest 
other things we could try—4 Couple's 
Guide to Stupid Sex Tricks or something 
like that? Thanks for your help.—L.R., 
Los Angeles, California 

You crazy kids. It sounds like you could 
write your own book—send us a copy when 
you do. In the meantime, you'll find more 
ideas for adventure in the Advisor's “365 
Ways to Improve Your Sex Life” or Dr. Glenn 
Wilson's “Creative Loveplay" (800-423- 
9494), which includes photos and descrip- 
tions of dozens of steamy sexual fantasies. An 
ice-cream parlor? Good luck with that one. 


Ils there any sort of database of Advisor 
columns? I often recall a question and 
answer I'd like to share, but have to 
search through a few years’ worth of is- 
sues to find it. —C.A., Des Moines, Iowa 

Good news: The Playboy Advisor now has 
a World Wide Web home page that includes 
an archive of the column dating back to 
1991. It is organized by subject and search- 
able by keyword, and also includes a new sex 
trick each day, a list of readers’ most fre- 
quently asked questions and instructions on 
how to reach the Advisor online. You can ac- 
cess the page through the Playboy Cyber Club 
al cyber;playboy.com, 


Me I'm incredibly horny and my wife 
doesn't want to have sex, 1 often mastur- 
bate. Most of the time, three to five min- 
utes after I ejaculate, my wife attacks me, 
highly aroused. 1 am positive she isn't 
aware of what I'm doing. Do I give off 
some kind of scent or signal that she 


picks up subconsciously?—J.P, Atlanta, 
Georgia 

Perhaps. There is evidence that people se- 
crete sexual scents called pheromones that 
may be tipping off your wife. Women gener- 
ally have a more acute sense of smell than 
men do, but it doesn’t take a bloodhound to 
realize that you're up to something if you dis- 
appear for ten minutes every time she says 
no. She may even have seen or heard you 
once and it turned her on no end. Or maybe 
she just needs more time to mull over your 
proposition. Next time, keep your pants on 
and let her consider what you could be doing 
together. If she’s willing to listen, describe in 
detail what you have in mind. 


Last week 1 took a test in my abnormal 
psychology course, and one of the ques- 
tions was this: “A man looks forward to 
his wife leaving so that he can dress up in 
her underwear and masturbate. This is 
an example of which type of behavior? 
(A) Personal Distress, (B) Unexpected- 
ness, (C) Dysfunction, (D) None of the 
Above—this behavior is not abnormal." 
According to my professor, the answer is 
D. I argued for B. What does the Advisor 
think?—A. T., College Station, Texas 

Are we being graded? The best answer is 
D. The man is a transvestite, which may not 
be the norm but is far from abnormal. As- 
suming he finds his wife's panties more 
arousing than his wife, you could argue that 
C applies to their relationship. 


This letter is in response to N.C. in San 
Francisco. She wrote in September to ask 
whether she should arrange to have sex 
with another man while her husband 
watched because it was a fantasy they 
shared. I have a similar fantasy about my 


ILLUSTRATION EY ISTVAN BANYAL 


wife. I told her that if the opportunity 
came up to have sex with another man, 
she should take advantage of it. It wasn’t 
even necessary for me to be there; just 
the idea turned me on. We were getting 
ready for bed one evening and with a 
coy look she said, “Guess what?” She 
proceeded to tell me every detail of her 
encounter, and we had great sex. She 
went out one more time with this man 
and then ended it. My advice to N.C. is 
to go ahead with your plan and then use 
the memory of the encounter to enhance 
sex with your husband. Just don't let the 
situation get out of hand.—D.K., Oma- 
ha, Nebraska 

That's sometimes easier said than done, 
which was part of N.C.'s concern. The group 
dynamic plays out differently for every cou- 
ple. For some, it improves their sex life tre- 
mendously; for others, it can cause trouble in 
the relationship. It sounds like you were hon- 
est with your wife about what you wanted 
ош of the fantasy, and she kept nothing from 
you. That's the first step. But each partner 
must be willing to back off if the other finds 
that three is more of a crowd than expected. 


In the age of women's liberation, are 
men still expected to open doors for 
women in social situations, such as on a 
date?—G.L., Logan, Utah 

Yes. It’s polite, not patriarchal. 


IM, wife can have an orgasm just by me 
fondling her breasts, teasing her nipples 
or sliding my finger into her vagina. 
What has always surprised both of us is 
that when she parts her labia to expose 
her clitoris and 1 massage it with my 
tongue, she absolutely goes into a shak- 
ing fit. She says it feels great, but her re- 
action mystifies us. It takes about 15 
minutes for her to calm down. Is this a 
dangerous form of sex?—J.L., Lafayette, 
Indiana 

Only if she’s near the edge of the bed. But 
let's see if we have this straight: You'd like to 
know why a woman so easily aroused she can 
climax when you fondle her breasts goes into 
a fit of pleasure when you lick her clit? Some 
people have all the luck. 


In October a reader asked about the ori- 
gin of the word beaver in reference to a 
woman's genitals. 1 believe the reference 
can be traced to the fur trappers of the 
18th century. To relieve the sexual frus- 
trations of being a pioneer, the men of- 
ten masturbated with a beaver pelt. Per- 
haps when the men got together to 
drink and party they traded stories of 
the furs that got away.—G.W., Reno, 
Nevada 

We'll never think of Grizaly Adams in the 
same way. According lo linguists, however, 


33 


PLAYBOY 


this particular bit of slang didn't originate 
until well into this century. It's likely a deri- 
vation of “beard,” which has been used to re- 
fer to women’s pubic hair (as well as men’s 
facial hair) for several hundred years. 
Beaver might also be short for beaver hat, 
with hat being the centuries-old term for fe- 
male genitals. According to ‘A Classical Dic- 
tionary of the Vulgar Tongue,” published in 
1796, the association was made because a 
hat is “frequently felt.” 


What is the proper way to wear three- 
button sports coats? I always thought 
just the middle button was buttoned, but 
I've seen people who button the top two 
or all three —T.R., Chicago, Illinois 
Button both the top and middle buttons 
but not the bottom. It’s strictly decorative, 


The Advisor gave a five-word brush-off 
in October to a reader's concerns about 
bare-ass sexual spanking. You can do 
better than that, especially when the Col- 
lege Sex Survey in the same issue shows 
that 33 percent of women and 43 per- 
cent of men have experienced la vice 
anglaise. If what the British tabloids (and 
my boyfriend) call hanky-spanky is now 
a regular item on the American sexual 
menu, I'm sure many readers would like 
a serious answer to what was a sincere 
question.—M.V., Manchester, England 
You're right. We've been naughty and de- 
serve everything we get. Please start with 
light slaps and increase the strength gradu 
ally, Alternate with soft kisses and feathery 
touches. Let's decide on a safe word so you'll 
know when to stop. And don't forget to say, 
“This pleases me as much as it pleases you.” 


IM, best friend is cheating on his wife 
and wants to use my apartment in the 
/ Should I let him?—D.H., Stamford, 
Connecticut 

Tough call. We assume you feel uncom- 
fortable with the situation or you wouldn't be 
writing. We'd pass. 


What do you think of making travel 
reservations online? Га love to be able 
to see what the travel agent sees, but 
should I trust my trip to a computer?— 
C.C., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 

We're not sure we'd book our vacation 
without an agent just yel, bul more travelers 
are drifting to the Internet to make reserva- 
tions. A handful of sites allow you to view 
flight schedules and fares, make your selec- 
tions and pay with a credit card. That 
doesn’t help you decide where to go in the 
first place or iron out unexpected kinks, 
which is why travel agents are still good peo- 
ple to know. Companies sec online reserva- 
lions as a way to cut down on phone time, 
one reason partnerships such as Microsoft 
and American Express are developing do-it- 
yourself systems for executives. Such technol- 
ogy also could save large companies millions 
when airlines discount what would have 


34 Бет agent commissions. Although hotels and 


car rental companies are behind the pack, 
you can schedule airline flights at such spots 
as the Internet Travel Network (wwu.itn.net) 
or PCTravel (urww.petravel.com). 


V was disappointed with your uncaring 
response to the reader whose girlfriend 
wanted him to cancel his subscription 
to PLAYBOY. You said he was a dweeb 
and that the real issue was her control 
over the relationship. What a self-serv- 
ing piece of advice! I am a 33-year-old 
mother of two who believed the same 
thing about my husband’s subscription 
when we were married 12 years ago. I 
felt I didn't compare to the Playmates 
and that I wasn't fulfilling his needs. It. 
was only through bodybuilding, chang- 
ing my appearance and building my selt- 
esteem that I accepted the magazine 
back into the house. My husband was in- 
strumental in the process by not looking 
at rLAYBOY until I said that it no lon- 
ger bothered me. Now that I look bet- 
ter than most of your models, I renew 
his subscription every year! So to H.D. 
in Akron, I say, trust your own judg- 
ment.—A.B., San Antonio, Texas 

You made changes that had nothing to do 
with PLAYBOY, Playmates or your husband. 
To that we say, "Good show.” We love con- 
 fident, motivated women (send photos). But 
don't be naive. Our guess is that your hus- 
band subscribed at the office. The next let- 
ter offers another perspective. 


I sympathize with the woman who want- 
ed her boyfriend to cancel his ar 
tion to PLAYBOY. Rather than canceling, 1 
suggest the reader put his copies out 
in the open where his girlfriend can find 
them. If my experience is any indica- 
tion, she will become curious and read 
them when he’s not around. Now my 
boyfriend and 1 fight over who gets 
PLAYBOY first whenever a new issue ar- 
rives in the mail. I still feel a slight pang 
when I see him looking at the Playmate, 
but he always puts the magazine down 
immediately when I offer him a real-life 
alternative. It’s also great to find so 
many cool women in prAysov, including 
the fabulous Marilyn Monroe. What а 
babe!—T.R., Dundee, Ohio 
Ditto for you. 


А reader wrote in October to say that 
her boyfriend passes out after sex. While 
this may be a form of narcolepsy, could it 
not also be a case of orgasmic syncope?— 
J.D., St. Louis, Missouri 

Yes, indeed. People with this condition un- 
consciously hold their breath while climax- 
ing, which causes them to faint. Breathing 
returns to normal and the victim revives. 


Help! 1 have been seeing this pretty 
23-year-old. We have a great time to- 
gether and love to have sex. I really want 
to have decper feelings for her, but there 
is something stopping me—her threc- 


year-old daughter. I'm still in college 
and am not ready to be a father. Can you 
help?—E'f., Phoenix, Arizona 

The kid comes with the package, so be cau- 
tious. Like her mom, this little girl deserves 
beiter than a guy who stays around only un- 
til things get bumpy. As painful as it will be, 
let your girlfriend know how you feel. She 
may see you as а fling, anyway, or she may 
end the relationship before it gets too serious. 
for both of you. That's a parent's duty 
makes difficult decisions based on what's best 
for her child. 


During the past few weeks, my erec- 
tions have started to curve to the left. Is 
this something to be concerned about?— 
S.R., Wheeling, West Virginia 

Maybe it’s the girl next door: You're likely 
suffering from Peyronie’s disease, named af- 
ter the French physician who first diagnosed 
it in 1743. In many cases it appears after an 
injury to the penis causes scarring or fibro- 
sis, A common analogy is to imagine a long 
balloon being inflated with a piece of tape on 
its side. Some erections have a slight natural 
curve; Peyronie's is distinguished by sudden, 
unexpected bending down, up or to either 
side (depending on where the scar tissue 
forms; you may feel it as a ridge or knot). 
Most of the time the condition runs its course 
without treatment, but il can take months ar 
years and may be painful initially. Urolo- 
gists have baitled Peyronie's with vitamin E, 
Polaba steroid therapy, corticosteroids, radi- 
ation, ultrasound and surgery, among other 
treatments. Our advice: Visit a urologist, but 
give the condition time to correct itself before 
agreeing to anything as drastic as surgery. 


For many years it’s been my fantasy 
to make love in a bathtub filled with 
gelatin. As PLAYBOY was the first place I 
saw a girl in a gelatin bath, I thought 
perhaps you'd have the recipe.—C.A., 
Toronto, Ontario 

For the gelatin, or for getting the girl into 
the gelatin? Buy a lot of Tupperware, make 
a lot of gelatin (we figure you'll need about 
132 six-ounce boxes and 528 cups of water), 
then cut it into chunks to fill the bath. As for 
the girl, get her favorite flavor and promise 
to make her wiggle. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette —will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Send all 
letters lo The Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Hli- 
nois 60611. Looh for responses to our most 
frequently asked questions on the World Wide 
Web at wuw.playboy.com/faq, ar check out 
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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


THE WAR ON OUR CHILDREN 


destroying the rights of America's youth to save them from drugs 


Once again, politicians have decid- 
ed to blame children for many of soci- 
ety's problems. President Clinton 
wants municipalities to adopt cur- 
fews, threatening to place millions of 
law-abiding youth under virtual 
house arrest. Representative Bill Mc- 
Collum (R.-Fla.) and Senator Orrin 
Hatch (R.-Utah) introduced legisla- 
tion in the last session of Congress 
that would largely end the require- 
ment of separating juvenile offenders 
from adult offenders. States across 
the country are making it easier to 
prosecute and punish juveniles 
asadults. 

In the midst of all this fear 
about the harm caused by 
America's children, one does 
not easily picture Jennifer Bu- 
dak as an enemy ol society. 

The 15-year-old freshman at 
River Valley High School in 
Three Oaks, Michigan does not 
smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol 
or use illegal drugs. She has 
never been a discipline problem 
and has been on the honor roll 
since the fourth grade. 

In addition to being a model 
student, Budak has a hobby of 
collecting “weird pens.” In De- 
cember 1995, she was in Chica- 
go and bought a pen for her col- 
lection—a pen that had the 
words REAL POT SEEDS and then 
the word STERILE written on 
its side. Encased within were 
unusable and therefore—un- 
der Michigan law—legal seeds. 
When she took the pen to school 
in January and loaned it to a 
friend, she never imagined that she 
might be making one of the biggest 
mistakes of her life. Her friend was 
caught with the pen in gym class, and 
Budak was told she could face a 45- 
day suspension. 

River Valley High School has a “ze- 
ro-tolerance” drug policy. The school 
handbook notes that the use, posses- 
sion, sale or distribution of drugs, in- 
cluding alcohol and look-alike drugs, 
on school property will result in: (1) 
a 45-school-day suspension without 
makeup privileges, (2) required as- 
sessment for drug dependency at a 


By ARNOLD TREBACH and SCOTT EHLERS 


certified clinic; and (3) required at- 
tendance at a minimum of four ses- 
sions with a drug abuse counselor. 
How does this punishment com- 
pare with those meted out for other 
crimes? Physically assaulting some- 
one or attempting to burn down the 
school will result in a suspension of 
up to ten days. Theft or fighting will 
earn a one- to three-day suspension. 
Extortion, vandalism and forgery are 
also minor offenses compared with 


drug or alcohol possession. 

In Jennifer Budak's case, drug use 
was not an issue. Principal David 
Zech had to decide whether Budak 
possessed a drug or a look-alike drug, 
terms that were not defined in the 
school handbook. In Zech's mind, if 
Jennifer's pen contained marijuana 
seeds—even sterile ones—then she 
possessed a drug and would have to 
be disciplined. 

Jennifer was forced to serve the 45- 
day suspension. She received zeros 
for every day of school missed and is 
not allowed to make up the work. 


Her grade point average, her morale 
and possibly her college carcer have 
suffered irreparable harm. 

Unfortunately, Budak's story is not 
an isolated one. The war on drugs 
has resulted in increasingly punitive 
sanctions for youth. Police tactics are 
being employed in schools, tactics 
that include the use of students and 
undercover police officers as infor- 
mants, mass searches without suspi- 
cion, random urine testing and harsh 
criticism of students and faculty who 
speak out against these activities. 

In May, The Atlanta Constitu- 
tion featured a story on Opera- 
tion Free Zone, developed by 
the sheriff's department in 
Fayette County, Georgia. The 
program paid students a $20 re- 
ward to turn in fellow students 
suspected of using or dealing 
drugs. While many students 
happily agreed to become paid 
informants—the police received 
224 tips—others in the commu- 
nity didn't think it was such a 
good idea. Teresa Nelson, direc- 
tor of the American Civil Liber- 
ties Union of Georgia, sarcasti- 
cally noted, “I think it's great to 
teach our children to be snitch- 
es. That's what they did in Nazi 
Germany." 

Police pay students to inform 
on one another, while under- 
cover narcotics officers prowl 
America’s schools. In Milwau- 
kee's suburban West Allis Hale 
High School, a police officer 
posed as a student in a two- 
month undercover drug probe 
that resulted in the arrests of 16 stu- 
dents and nine nonstudents. The tiny 
amount of drugs involved (in one 
case, one twelfih of an ounce of mari- 
juana) suggests overkill—students 
were parceling out a stash, not active- 
ly recruiting new users. Lance Wal- 
lace, facing a fine of $500 to $25,000 
and up to three years in prison, 
claims entrapment. “Not one of the 
people busted was a dealer,” he says 

According to Wallace, the officer 
targeted suspected users and turned 
them into dealers by encouraging 
them to sell him small quantities of 


37 


38 


marijuana. The undercover agent, 
known as Clint Carson, also drank with 
underage students and once drove a 
car while intoxicated. At one of the 
high school parties, it was alleged, 
"Clint" was begging people for weed. 
Chad Radtke, a student at Hale and 
one of Wallace's friends, was approached 
by Clint. "He came up to me," Radtke 
says, "sat next to me and asked, "Where 
can you get some bud around here?” 

While West Allis prefers stealth at- 
tacks, the police in Savannah, Georgia 
are more overt. At Windsor Forest 
High School and other Chatham 
County schools, the authorities con- 
duct lockdown searches. Students must 
stay in their classrooms for two to four 
hours while teams of armed county 
officers, school officials and dogs 
search common areas and classrooms. 
Authorities herd the students into the 
halls, where they are scanned with met- 
al detectors, while dogs sniff their book 
bags and purses in the classrooms. 

One person was willing to speak up 
for the students—Chatham County's 
1994 Teacher of the Year, Sherry 
Hearn. She has openly opposed the 
searches since they were instituted in 
1993, describing them as "degrading, 
demeaning and humiliating.” She 
added, “They produced a lot of anger 
in the students, and they did not help 
create an atmosphere conducive to 
learning respect for authority. Some- 
times, the officers were disrespectful 
and rude; the students were treated 
like criminals, with no evidence that 
they'd done anything wrong.” The 
school administration and campus po- 
lice did not take her objections lightly. 

During a February 1996 lockdown, 
police singled out Hearn's son—one 
of 1500 students—for an individual 
search. And on April 4, the police al- 
legedly found a small piece of a mari- 
juana joint in Hearn's car, which was in 
the school parking lot with its windows 
down and the doors unlocked. The 
search violated school board policy, but. 
the fun was just beginning. The admin- 
istration ordered Hearn to report for a 
urine test within two hours. She re- 
fused and spent the day trying to se- 
cure legal representation. Despite a 
negative test the next day, she was sus- 
pended. The school board then upheld 
Superintendent Patrick Russo's recom- 
mendation that Hearn be fired. 

Sadly, the dragnet searches that 
Sherry Hearn opposed might have 
been ruled unconstitutional years ago 
were it not for a Supreme Court that 
has time and again rubber-stamped 
drug war tactics used to target the 
young. The court has consistently up- 


held the power of school authorities to 
curb students’ freedoms in an effort to 
save them from drugs. 

As far back as May 26, 1981, the 
Supreme Court refused to hear the 
case of Diane “Doe,” a girl who attend- 
ed an Indiana school where officials 
conducted a search. The previous 
spring, 16 teams of police, citizens and 
dogs had conducted a raid during 
which the dogs sniffed every one of the 
2780 children involved. School officials 
ordered a few of the students, includ- 
ing Diane, to strip nude for a more in- 
trusive search. The parents of Diane 
“Doe” were so outraged that they sued 
and received a cash settlement out of 
court. They persisted with the suit on 
appeal because they wanted the drag- 
net searches of innocent children de- 
dared unconstitutional. 

‘The Supreme Court refused to hear 
the appeal, seem- 
ingly on technical 


|. Hu] 


happening in school becomes part of 
the educational process. The strip 
search of Diane, the lockdown searches 
at Windsor Forest High School and the 
expulsion of Jennifer Budak form a 
new course—Draconian Drug Educa- 
tion 101. 

The Court furthered this alternative 
curriculum with its June 1995 decision 
that upheld mandatory random urinal- 
yses of student athletes. 

Several ycars earlier officials of the 
Vernonia, Oregon School District had 
become convinced that the cause of 
defiance and disruption among stu- 
dents was drug use. Officials claimed 
that large numbers of students, includ- 
ing athletes, were in a state of rebellion. 
The physical education department 
thought drug use posed a special 
threat because it increased the risk of 
sports injuries. In response, adminis- 


grounds. Justice 
William Brennan, 
dismayed at the in- 
action of his col- 
leagues, wrote a 
sharp dissent from 
the brief order 
denying the appeal 
on May 26, 1981. 

Justice Bren- 
nan's dissent in Doe 
vs. Renfrow de- 
clared: “We do not 
know what class 
[Diane] was at- 
tending when the 
police and dogs 
burst in, but the 
lesson the school 
authorities taught 
her that day will 
undoubtedly make 
a greater impres- 
sion than the one 
her teacher hoped 
to convey." The 
justice wisely stated that he would have 
granted the appeal to teach Diane and 
other students a different lesson, that 
“before police and local officials are 
permitted to conduct dog-assisted 
dragnet inspections of public school 
students, they must obtain a warrant 
based upon sufficient particularized 
evidence to establish probable cause to 
believe a crime has been or is being 
committed. Schools cannot expect 
their students to learn the lessons of 
good citizenship when the school au- 
thorities themselves disregard the fun- 
damental principles underpinning our 
constitutional freedoms.” 

Justice Brennan saw that everything 


trators demanded that all athletes con- 
sent to the random urinalysis policy. 

Seventh grader James Acton object- 
ed to the testing and was told he could 
not play football when he and his par- 
ents refused to sign the consent form. 
Acton, a top student never suspected of 
using drugs, based his objection on 
Fourth Amendment protection against 
unreasonable searches. 

‘The Supreme Court, however, gave 
what amounted to its first constitution- 
al blessing to the broad student search 
policy. The decision opened the door 
to the possibility that all 45 million 
American public school children may 
someday be required to undergo 


random urinalyses in the presence of 
government officials in order to receive 
other school privileges, such as scholar- 
ships or even an education. 

An appellate court judge who had 
agreed with the Acton family's position 
stated that "children are compelled to 
attend school, but nothing suggests 
they lose their right to privacy in their 
excretory functions when they do so." 

In her dissent, Justice Sandra Day 
O'Connor recognized the danger in 
the majority's opinion, which failed to 
acknowledge that "history and prece- 
dent establish that individualized sus- 
picion is usually required under the 
Fourth Amendment." Responding to 
the argument that the Fourth Amend- 
ment is more lenient with respect to 
school searches, she wrote that "intru- 
sive, blanket searches of schoolchild- 
ren, most of whom are innocent, for 


Musselman suggested that Hamilton 
Southeastern High School, in Fishers, 
Indiana, begin a forced drug testing 
program for students who wanted to 
use the school parking lot. 

“If the rationale for randomly testing 
athletes is because of safety, the school 
has the ability to control who drives,” 
said school attorney Brad Cook. 

Although Hamilton Southeastern 
decided not to institute the novel drug 
testing policy, officials at nearby No- 
blesville High School implemented a 
friendlier, volunteer system of mass 
random urinalyses of its students. 
Officials there decided that they would 
give students an incentive to submit 
urine samples, and the results would 
be revealed only to the students’ par- 
ents. Incentives included off-campus 
lunch privileges and a chance to win 
gift certificates, a limousine ride to In- 

dianapolis or a trip 
to Florida. Of the 
700 to 800 stu- 


dents tested in the 
1995-1996 school 
year, about 30 test- 
ed positive. 

It is exactly this 
type of incentive 
program that Ra- 
chel Ehrenfeld rec- 
ommended in Drug 
Intolerance Policy, 
published by the 
Free Congress 
Foundation in 
early 1996: 

"Adolescents 
should be encour- 
aged to take a 
pledge to remain 
drug-free. They 
should agree to 
random drug test- 
ing in return for 
a card that could 


evidence of serious wrongdoing are 
not part of any traditional school func- 
tion of which I am aware. Indeed, 
many schools, like many parents, pre- 
fer to trust their children unless given 
reason to do otherwise. As James Ac- 
ton’s father said on the witness stand, 
suspicionless testing ‘sends a message 
to children who are trying to be re- 
sponsible citizens . . . that they have to 
prove they're innocent. I think that 
sets a bad tone for citizenship.” 
Justtwo months after the Acton deci- 
sion. school board members in Indiana 
were already discussing how they could 
take it one step further. On August 14, 
1995 school board president Steve 


be used to obtain 
discounts on tu- 
ition, school supplies, clothing, elec- 
tronic gear, entertainment, concerts, 
food, etc. These discounts should be 
provided by the school system, stores, 
theaters and restaurants. Random test- 
ing would follow the old strategic arms 
limitation treaty concept: Trust, but 


verify. 

Ehrenfeld's program would encour- 
age children to sell valuable rights for 
material trinkets. Again, we should ask 
what this teaches our children. 

"These developments should disturb 
anyone who thinks of America as a free 
society. Policies that treat students as 
enemies in the war on drugs are soci 
ly damaging for several reasons: (1) 


"These children suffer indignities, inva- 
sions of privacy and restrictions of their 
constitutional rights. (2) We are indoc- 
trinating several generations of chil- 
dren with the belief that venerable con- 
stitutional guarantees of privacy may 
be abrogated by the needs of drug con- 
trol. (3) As these students, now inocu- 
lated with an intolerant attitude, take 
power, invasions of privacy will become 
more widely implemented because 
they will be seen as prime American 
values, (4) Legal decisions upholding 
invasions of students’ rights eventually 
diminish the rights of everyone—and 
weaken the foundation of our demo- 
cratic society. 

We can approach the issue of youth 
drug use with tolerance and under- 
standing or with intolerance and re- 
pression. This nation has chosen the 
latter, less noble path. Zero tolerance 
means total intolerance—and we must 
ask ourselves how that awful idea be- 
came part of our democratic lexicon. 
An essential task is to lay out the path 
to tolerance and understanding, which 
is closer to the more admirable tradi- 
tions of American society. 

We must create school drug policies 
that treat students with compassion 
and common sense, especially those 
who actually have drug problems. At 
the same time, we can't forget the trau- 
matic impact these rigid policies often 
have on students far removed from the 
drug scene. 

Ме must keep in mind that we have 
had these bouts of blame-the-youth 
hysteria many times before. It might 
help our thinking if we were to ap- 
proach the issue of youth drug use with 
a different paradigm: respect for the 
opinions of adolescents and for their 
challenges to existing institutions. 

We are in danger of producing gen- 
erations of leaders who are either 
harshly intolerant of any deviations 
from the norm or viciously opposed to 
all institutions and values that preced- 
ed them. Drug education and school 
discipline should seek ultimately to 
produce well-balanced adults who can 
function with a sense of moderation 
and rationality. Such sensibly humane 
results cannot be expected from the 
system that imposed a 45-day suspen- 
sion on Jennifer Budak for innocently 
bringing sterile pot seeds to school. 


Arnold Trebach is a professor at Ameri- 
can University and editor in chief of “The 
Drug Policy Letter,” a quarterly publication 
of the Drug Policy Foundation in Washing- 
ton, D.C. Scott Ehlers is associate editor. 


39 


40 


SIN CITY 


rights are violated by ultracon- 


Rachel Hickerson needs to 
clarify a few facts in her story 
before she has the rest of the 
world thinking that the moral 
police have shut down all sex- 
related businesses in midtown 
Manhattan (“Keep the Sin in 
Sin City," The Playboy Forum, 
November). The demise of the 
adult movie theaters and sex 
businesses along 42nd Street 
is not a recent phenomenon 
brought about by the present 
political machine, as Hickerson 
suggests. Perhaps the biggest 


"THE EvoLuTion oF TEMER 


BAB) 


3 IND. 


servatives who assume women 
can't think for themselves. As 
a 53-year-old man, I've lived 
long enough to realize that, ex- 
cept for the ability to give birth, 
women and men are equal. 
Women deserve equal rights, 
equal pay for equal work, the 
right to speak and think freely 
and the right to go where they 
please without fear of reprisal. 
The last thing women need is 
people telling them they should 
all act, speak and think like ro- 
bots. I hope Hickerson and 


reason for their closing was the 
arrival of adult videos. Why 
pay ten bucks to sit in a rancid 
theater to watch a skin flick 
when you can pay the same 
ten bucks for the same thing 
on video and watch it over 
and over in the comfort of 
your castle? 

Two phenomena brought 
about the end of Times Square: 
(1) an increase in tourism and 
(2) the adage “Money talks.” It 
is true that Disney plans to 
build a huge hotel on Seyenth 
Avenue almost adjacent to 
those dingy porno theaters, 
which, naturally, indicates a de- 
mographic change. The most 
recent visitors to Times Square 
are there to shop for clothes, 
gadgets and souvenirs. 

Hickerson should take a 
short walk west to Eighth Av- 
enue between 42nd and 48th 
Streets. That is where she can 
find numerous sex shops, adult 
video stores, hookers and strip 
joints—all within six blocks of 
reasonably lit streets. There are 
three subway stops along the 
way, and cabbies know how to 
get there. Cops patrol that 
area, too. Best of all, tourists 
can visit these shops, buy all the 
adult videos and sex toys they 
can fit in their suitcases, and 
enjoy them in private back in 
Des Moines. 

I am not against sex-related busi- 
nesses. On the contrary, as a native 
New Yorker, I have indulged in all 
of the experiences the author wrote 
about. I just want her to know that 
the adult entertainment business isn't 
coming under the grip of the self- 


OR THE RECORD 


PROPOSITION PLEASE 


“4 concede that I once did not view marijua- 
na as dangerous. It was only after my appetite 
for recreational drugs had abated, and I pro- 
duced children whom I did not believe capable 
of handling marijuana as responsibly as 1 had, 
that I came to oppose decriminalization. I ac- 
knowledge that it was this fear, and not new 
medical evidence, that subsequently caused me 
to support mandatory sentencing for other peo- 
ple's children caught emulating the actions of 
my generation." 
—OATH SUGGESTED BY Doonesbury COMIC STRIP 

CREATOR GARRY TRUDEAU FOR EVERY MIDDLE- 

AGED PUBLIC OFFICIAL IN FAVOR OF THE CUR- 


RENT MARIJUANA POLICY 


righteous. Some things are just being 
rearranged. 
Tom Reinhart 
"Tampa, Florida 


Thad no idea who Rachel Hickerson 
was before I read her article, but she 
has a new fan. Too often, women's 


Feminists for Free Expression 

kick Rudy Giuliani's ass. 
Ronald Serafin 
Houston, Texas 


In a city racked by violence, 
infested with drugs and pollut- 
ed by corporate greed, no one 
has ever died from an overdose 
of pornography. 

William Margold 

Free Speech Coalition 

West Hollywood, California 


AIDSWATCH 

Thanks for your piece on the 
latest developments in the fight 
against AIDS and HIV (“Aids- 
watch: Good News at Last,” The 
Playboy Forum, November). Can 
you imagine what hell it is for 
an infected person to be caught 
in the middle of this contro- 
versy? The establishment says 
HIV equals AIDS, which equals 
death. The dissidents say, HIV? 
Big deal! How screwed up this 

whole thing is. 
Bobby Shannon 
Lubbock, Texas 


А new law passed unani- 
mously by the Florida state leg- 
islature requires that every de- 
fendant placed on probation or 
community control attend a 
two-hour HIV-AIDS awareness 
class. In Florida alone, that will 
amount to more than 500,000 people a 
year who will be taught how to prevent 
the contraction and transmission of 
this disease. They will also be educated 
about the advantages of testing and 
early treatment, if it is required. This 
law will cost taxpayers nothing because 
the $20 fee (which is used to purchase 


classroom materials) must be paid by 
the offender. Such innovative ap- 
proaches are what is needed to help 
stem the worst medical nightmare of 
the 20th centur: 
Michael Fitzgerald 
Melbourne Beach, Florida 
Let's get this straight: Convicted crimi- 
nals get safe-sex education, but law-abiding 
citizens don't. You call that progress? 


Hickerson will either revel in the 
company of misery or be even more 
distressed to know that her beloved 
"Times Square hangouts aren't the on- 
ly ones in imminent danger of extinc- 
tion at the hands of big business as usu- 
al For the past three years New York 
City has arrested artists for selling their 
wares on the street without a license. 
"The city claims the arrests protect the 
public's health, safety and welfare by 
preventing congestion. Yet, in a Catch- 
29, administration officials admit that 
artists can't apply for a vending license 
because none exists. In fact, for many 
years the Department of Consumer Af- 
fairs told artists thcy were protected by 
the First Amendment and didn’t need 
a license to sell their own art. Other city 
factions interpreted the law differently, 
and a full-scale attack led by city coun- 
cil member Kathryn Freed resulted in 
more than 200 arrests. 

Five street artists filed suit—citing 
violation of their First Amendment 
rights—and ultimately won. But enti- 
ties such as the Soho Alliance, council 
member Freed, the Fifth Avenue Asso- 
ciation and other real estate interests 
plan to appeal, claiming that street 
artists are not exempt from licensing 
regulations. The proposed solution is 
to ghettoize these artists—as were 
Hickerson's X-rated vendors—by con- 
fining their activities to a vacant lot. 
Hickerson speaks the truth: Large cor- 
porations and their government inter- 
ests won't hesitate to destroy First 
Amendment freedoms if it is necessary 
to accomplish their goals. 

Rhonda Griffin 
New York, New York 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
1o: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include 
a daytime phone number. Fax number: 
312-951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy, 
com (please include your city and state) 


You know the story: 

California Attorney General Dan 
Lungren, opponent of medicinal marijua- 
na use, raided the San Francisco Can- 
nabis Buyers' Club, Cartoonist Garry 
Trudeau spent a week ridiculing the bust 
in Doonesbury and sympathizing with 
medicinal pot smokers. Lungren asked 
Doonesbury's syndicator, and California 
newspapers, to pull the offending strips 
or run them with a disclaimer stating the 
facts of the matter. 

The disclaimer was necessary, he de- 
clared, because Doonesbury's represen- 
tation of the issue was “false and mis- 
leading.” This notion is so delicious that 
it bears repeating and savoring: He ac- 
cused a comic strip of being false and 
misleading. 

Memo to Lungren: Comic strips are 
meant to entertain, not to hew to fact and 
reality. If every strip failing to do so were 
obliged to run a disclaimer, the funny 
pages would be awash with fine print. 
Consider: 

Hagar the Horrible: “Vikings were not 
suburban family men with horned hel- 
mets but savage marauders who spent 
their lives enduring bitter cold and recov- 
ering from battle wounds. Their mortality 
rate was appalling. There is no actual 
record of an amusing Scandinavian prior 
to Victor Borge.” 

Beetle Bailey: “This strip falsely pre- 
sents military service as carefree indo- 


lence and depicts as rou- 
tine many activities that 
would result in court-mar- 
tial proceedings. And 
sooner or later, some- 

body gets shot.” 
The Family Circus: 
“The characters in this 
strip are impossibly whole- 
some, pleasant, even-tem- 
pered, devout, optimistic 
and content. There haven't 
been any actual families such as 

this since 1962." 

B.C.: “Prehistoric man was illiterate, 
brutish, inarticulate and violent, living a 
harsh existence with only rudimentary 
tools, knowledge and social organiza- 
tion. Cannibelism was practiced. There 
was nothing to laugh about.” 

Dennis the Menace: "This strip ob- 
scures the fact that childhood misbehav- 
ior results in family estrangement: The 
real-life Dennis is now a middle-aged 
adult who isn't on speaking terms with 
his father, the strip's creator. Moreover, a 
real Mr. Wilson would have called the 
cops years ago." 

Mister Bofío: "Hell is by definition a 
place of eternal damnation and torment, 
and there are no holidays, mah-jongg 
tournaments or beverage concessions.” 

The Lockhorns: "If the characters in 
this strip were an actual married couple, 
‘one of them would have abandoned, di- 
vorced or killed the other by now." 

Cathy: "In the real world, not everyone 
is white." 

Garfield, Mutts, Over the Edge, the 
Fusco Brothers: "Real animals do not 
talk, read, philosophize, wear clothing, 
build things, run compenies or feel hu- 
man emotions. Real animals leave foul 
messes, scratch, bite, throw up, gener- 
ate vet bills, become pregnant and get 
run over by cars. If you hit them with a 
sledgehammer, they die.” 

Alley Oop, Prince Valiant, Blondie, 
Mary Worth: “These characters do not 
age in a normal or realistic manner. If 
these were actual people, they would 
have died of natural causes or lapsed in- 
to advanced stages of senility by now. 
The strip's implication that life goes on 
forever is a cruel deceit." —-BOB WIEDER 


4l 


NE W 


SFR 


@ NIST 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


MOBY TRICK 


OULU, FINLAND—Faced with a whale of 
a problem, police in this city are testing a 
novel way to stop drunk drivers and speed- 
ers—they use a harpoon. The steel device is 


mounted to the front of a police vehicle 
and is released after the officer rams into 
the rear of the culprit's car. As the officer 
slows down, his prey is brought to a stop. 
The harpoon also allows officers to spray 
tear gas, and a radio transmitter in the de- 
vice tracks the vehicle if the driver man- 
ages to break the line. 


PROTECT THE CHILDREN 


WASHINGTON, D.c—A federal appeals 
court ruled that television stations must 
broadcast controversial campaign ads dur- 
ing prime time if a candidate requests it. 
In 1992 an Atlanta station told a Repub- 
lican congressional hopeful that his spot 
featuring images of aborted fetuses could 
air only after midnight. The FCC support- 
ed the station’s decision, saying broadcast- 
ers had the right to protect children who 
might be “psychologically damaged” by 
graphic ads. In ruling against the FCC, 
the appeals court said that broadcasters 
should not have the power to censor can- 
didates by sending troublesome ads to 
“broadcast Siberia.” 


CUSTOMER DISSERVICE 


SAN ANTONIO. TEXAS—A born-again 
Christian sued a telemarketing firm after. 


he was fired for refusing to take orders for, 
of all things, PLAYBOY. West Telemarket- 
ing says that with as many as 200,000 
calls daily for a variety of products, hav- 
ing another of its 1400 employees handle 
orders that personally offended Jerrel 
Johnson would not have been practical. 
‘Johnson's suit, which he filed fie months 
after being fired, claims he is a victim of 
religious discrimination and that federal 
civil rights Laws require West to accommo- 
date his beliefs. 


TIRED JUSTICE 


WAUKESHA, WISCONSIN—As the public 
official who supplied the names of poten- 
tial jurors to the Waukesha County clerk, 
74-year-old Earl Rentmeester took it upon 
himself to strike any adult under the age of 
25 from the lists. Not mature enough, he 
reasoned. A man convicted in Waukesha 
of armed robbery argued that the exclu- 
stons violated his Sixth Amendment right 
to a jury representing a fair cross section of 
the community. A federal court disagreed, 
ruling that juries without young adults 
can still be fair and impartial. 


THE AIDS FRONT 


BALTIMORE—Researchers al Johns Hop- 
kins University have reported encouraging 
news: An aggressive condom campaign 
has dramatically cut the rate of HIV infec- 
tion young men in northern Thai- 
land. (HIV infection has spread faster in 
Thailand than anywhere else in the 
world.) The researchers tested 4311 Thai 
army draftees over a five-year period and. 
found the percentage of new HIV infec- 
tions dropped from 12.5 percent to less 
than five percent. The percentage of men 
with a history of sexually transmitted dis- 
ease also fell, from 42 percent to 15 per- 
cent. And the percentage of men who said 
they used condoms with prostitutes in- 
creased from 61 percent to 92.5 percent. 


BALANCING ACT 


WASHINGTON, D.C.—Álmost every state 
in the country has adopted some form of 
Megan's Law, the New Jersey statute that 
requires sex offenders to register with po- 
lice. Now the feds are coordinating a na- 
tional effort. Under a new law, anyone 
convicted of crimes such as rape or pe- 
dophilia must provide his address and 
fingerprints to local police or the FBI, 


which is spearheading efforts to create a 
national database. Local officials are also 
cracking down by arresting offenders who 
fail to register. 


SEARCH AND DESTROY 


WASHINGTON, D.c.—Vandals unleashed 
“cancelbot” programs that wiped out 
27,000 messages posted to various Inter- 
net discussion groups. The programs, nich- 
named "fagcancel" and "hikecancel" by 
their creators, replaced the messages with 
notices such as “These cancels are issued as 
a service to Internet providers not wishing 
to carry articles from sexual perverts and 
deviants.” In another incident, Swedish 
hackers altered the CIA's World Wide Web 
site to read “Welcome to the Central Stu- 
pidity Agency” and upgraded the contents 
to include a link to PLAYBOY. 


EXTREME CLOSE-UP 


STOCKHOLM—Is this the future of tele- 
vision? The producers of “Lotta,” an 
“Oprah” like late-night talk show, taped 
close-ups of a gynecological exam. An au- 
dience member told a newspaper she found 
the exhibition distasteful. "When the cam- 
era that the doctor held in his hand was 
switched on and people saw the genitals on 


two big screens, there was absolute silence,” 
she said. “How far are TV channels pre- 
pared to go in the hunt for viewers?” The 
‘programming director was unfazed by the 
criticism, saying the episode “was maybe a 
little boring. It was very medical.” 


On September 6, 1970 Palestinian 
terrorists hijacked three planes and 
held the passengers hostage on a re- 
mote airstrip in Jordan. The story 
was covered by every major newspa- 
per and TV network in the U.S. Our 
government responded to the call for 
greater security by creating—almost 
overnight—an army of air marshals. 

The government promised security 
through the use of hastily construct- 
ed, highly classified profiles. The air 
marshals would be trained to pick out 
potential terrorists according to cer- 
tain cues known only to them. Our 
right to travel freely and without fear 
would thus be restored. 

I was one of their 
first targets. 

I was boarding 
a flight from New 
York to Chicago 
to interview for a 
job with pLavsoy 
A flight attendant 
asked me to step in- 
to a room, where a 
federal air marshal 
searched my be- 
longings and ques- 
tioned me about 
my travel plans. Ap- 
parently, I fit the 
profile of an air- 
plane hijacker. 

For years I’ve 
joked that whatever 
that profile was, it 
also seemed to qualify me for the 
PLAYbOY job. It was also my first expe- 
rience with the abuse of power based 
on stereotypes and prejudice. I was 
young. I wore wire-rimmed glasses. I 
carried a guitar case. The air marshal 
had a thing about hippies and coun- 
terculture types. 

This version of “Uncle Sam Wants 
You!” raised images of jackbooted sol- 
diers boarding trains and demanding 
to see passengers’ papers. And the 
profiles didn’t work: So many unhap- 
py Cuban exiles hijacked planes that 
certain flights were called the Havana 
Shuttle. In 1973 the air marshals and 
their shoot-from-the-hip profiles 
gave way to X-ray machines and met- 
al detectors. Enough civil libertarians 


objected to the abuse of the profiles 
that the government changed strate- 
gy: Search everyone's bags. Agreeing 
to such searches became a condition 
of travel. 

The hijacker profile disappeared in 
the federal bureaucracy. One heard 
of profiles of serial killers—usually af- 
ter a killer committed some blunder 
and got arrested in the old-fashioned 
way. The DEA developed drug-couri- 
er profiles that seemed to apply only 
to blacks, Hispanics, women traveling 
alone and fans of the Grateful Dead. 

Then came TWA flight 800. 

Once again, Americans were asked 
to sacrifice freedom for security. Pres- 


ident Clinton said, “Terrorists have so 
little respect for our valucs—so little 
regard for human life or the princi- 
ples of justice that are the founda- 
tions of our society—that they would 
destroy innocent children and devot- 
ed mothers and fathers at random. 
We cannot and will not tolerate 
this, nor allow it to intimidate us. We 
must act." 

And the Federal Aviation Adminis- 
tration acted—instituting random 
checks on innocent children and de- 
voted mothers and fathers. At curb- 
side, baggage handlers asked for pho- 
to identification. (What next, I 
thought, South African-style pass- 
books?) At the X-ray machine I 
watched as my daughter was picked 


SSION 


out of line, her backpack rummaged 
through by strangers. I weighed the 
response to an imagined threat in the 
air—your chances of being the victim 
of an airplane bombing are roughly 
one in 8 million—against the fear and 
confusion I saw on solid ground. 

On September 9, 1996 the White 
House Commission on Aviation Safe- 
ty and Security called for a return of 
the profile. The government wanted 
the power to pick people out of line 
and subject them to search, not for 
due cause or actual behavior but 
on the basis of a hunch: “To improve 
and promote passenger profiling, 
the commission recommends these 
steps. First, the FBI, 
CIA and BATF 
should evaluate and 
expand the re- 
search into known 
terrorists, hijackers 
and bombers need- 
ed to develop the 
best possible pro- 
filing system. Sec- 
ond, the FBI and 
CIA should develop 
a system that would 
allow important in- 
telligence informa- 
tion on known or 
suspected terrorists 
to be used in pas- 
senger profiling 
without compromis- 
ing the integrity of 
the intelligence or its sources.” 

The FBI, CIA and BATF have had 
glorious success with profiles. The 
one that said Richard Jewell wasn't 
a hero. The one that said the Una- 
bomber was no older than 40. The 
one that said Randy Weaver's wife 
and kids should be considered dan- 
gerous threats to the marshals who 
watched their Ruby Ridge cabin for 
18 months. The one that said David 
Koresh was building an evil empire in 
Waco. The one that indicated the 
Oklahoma bombing was the result of 
Arab terrorists, resulting in a wave of 
violence against Islamic families in 
Oklahoma City. The experts popped 
up waving all sorts of profiles. Edito- 
rials accompanying the release of the 


report noted that fundamentalists 
might resort to terrorism on the eve 
of the millennium. If you recall, 
Hitler used a profile that was based 
on religion. 

Editors of The New York Times won- 
dered briefly about civil rights and 
profiles, noting that in the past, most 
government profiles centered on one 
trait—race. But they shrugged off the 
threat to frequent fliers, business 
travelers, people like us. So long as it 
happens to the other guy, we can tol- 
erate loss of liberty. 

But as one of the founding fathers 
said, “He who trades liberty for safety 
deserves neither.” 

Someday the other guy will be you. 


Dors 
SECURITY 
Work? 


Security experts point to Is- 
rael as a country with a success- 
ful get-tough security policy. Is- 
raeli citizens have given up a 
few “conveniences.” They ar- 
rive hours before their flight to 
have their bags searched and 
documents checked. And, we 
are told, it works. Of course, 
you can't board a bus in Israel 
without peril. 

Airline security does work, 
exactly the way the Maginot 
line worked. ‘Terrorists have 
moved from hijacking planes to 
blowing them up. Rather than 
pass through metal detectors, 
they destroy airport terminals. 
Seeking triple-digit body 
counts and the resultant head- 
lines, they blow up commuter 
trains, buses and government 
office buildings. 

Some people say this is a measure 
of the success of X-ray machines and 
metal detectors. 

Ten years ago the FAA sent teams 
through security checks at 28 air- 
ports. Mock hijackers were detected 
an average of 80 percent of the time. 
The airport in Anchorage had the 
highest success rate, at 99 percent. 
Phoenix Sky Harbor International 
Airport was a virtual sieve, stopping 
only 34 percent of the teams; the air- 
port in Las Vegas wasn’t much better 
at 45 percent. Government officials 
tried to hush up news of these failures 
“for security reasons.” 

In the first wave (1973 to 1986) of 


stepped-up airport security in the 
U.S., an army of 16,000 employees, 
800 X-ray machines and 1400 metal 
detectors screened more than 6 bil- 
lion people and nearly 8 billion pieces 
of carry-on luggage. The project, at 
a cost of more than $300 million, 
detected “more than 33,000 fire- 
arms, [which] resulted in 14,000 re- 
lated arrests.” 

"The technology of airport security 
is fairly crude. It will pick out a hand- 
gun if the attendant is lucky; one jok- 
er used to walk through with the lead 
outline of a handgun taped to his 
briefcase and got through an amazing 
number of checkpoints. Do X-ray ma- 
chines discourage people from carry- 
ing weapons? Not really. In 1995 air- 
port security equipment detected 
2230 handguns, 160 long rifles, 631 
explosive or incendiary devices (am- 
munition or firecrackers) and 4414 
other dangerous articles (knives, 


Mace, tear gas, pepper sprays, mar- 
tal arts equipment, bludgeons, etc.). 

Only 1194 of these armed travelers 
were arrested—which suggests that 
most people carrying guns or fire- 
works simply were ignorant of the 
law. Another 68 were arrested for 
making jokes about bombs. 

‘The experiment shows that the 
people who used to carry handguns 
still carry handguns; the people who 
hijack planes have switched to gaso- 
line bombs, fake or real grenades, 
plastic handguns, knives or simple 
threats—things that don’t show up on 
metal detectors. In one incident, a 
person hijacked a plane with a screw- 
driver. Meanwhile, terrorists switched 


to weapons outside of the plane— 
missiles and guns. 

Proponents of airport security 
point out that there has not been a 
U.S. hijacking since 1991 and that 
worldwide there were only nine hi- 
jackings in 1995. Still, from 1986 to 
1995 there have been 179 hijackings 
and 23 commandeerings. Airport se- 
curity did not protect us against 
those, nor against the 108 airport at- 
tacks, the 173 attacks on ofFairport 
facilities, the 41 shootings at aircraft, 
or the 21 bombings, attempted bomb- 
ings or onboard shoot-outs. 

No one at the FAA wi 
ure on efficiency, a batting average 
against the bad guys. A spokesman 
told us, “How would you count all the 
people who pull up to the curb, think 
twice and go home?” 

Doug Farbrother, an aide to Vice 
President Gore, was a bit more forth- 
coming: “The good news is we discov- 

ered that very few people want 
to puta bomb on a plane. The 
bad news is that the few people 
who want to do it probably 
can.” 
So what do we get from air- 
port security? An expensive 
pacifier, The White House was 
right when it said terrorists ex- 
ploit our fear of flying: “Тег- 
rorism isn’t merely a matter of 
Statistics. We fear a plane crash 
far more than we fear some- 
thing such as a car accident, be- 
cause we don't have a chance in 
a plane at 30,000 feet. This is 
why terrorists see planes as at- 
tractive targets." 

Politicians exploit that fear 
to change life at ground level. 
Robert Ellis Smith, publisher of 
Privacy Journal, attacked the 
new security procedures: 

© There is no connection be- 
tween identifying a passenger 
and ensuring that luggage is free of 
weaponry or bombs. 

* It violates the constitutional pro- 
hibition against asking for iden- 
tification from law-abiding citizens 
who raise no suspicion through their 
conduct. 

* It restricts the constitutional 
right to travel. 

* It conditions Americans to pre- 
sent ID on demand to any person in 


authority. в 
* It focuses on the innocent sector 


of the population and not on likely 
terrorists. 
® It is administered inconsistently, 
incompetently and nonsensically. 
Don't worry. You'll get used to it. 


THERE'S A PLAYBOY AT THE PALA! 


For those special moments when we find ourselves 
pampered by elegance, and feeling like a PLAYBOY, there's 
a cigar by Don Diego to heighten the enjoyment. 

The PLAYBOY cigar, meticulously hand-crafted with rich 
flavor and aroma, enhances any setting, wherever you 
might smoke it. 


Light one up! Let it bring out the PLAYBOY in y 


The PLAYBOY cigar by Don Diego 
in five styles 


For a list of select retailers 
in the United States, 


Label and Band © P 
HUGH M. HERNER. 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: LAWRENCE SCHILLER 


a candid conversation with the journalist-entrepreneur on his inside view of o.j.'s 
camp plus his fateful liaisons with jack ruby, gary gilmore and marilyn monroe 


It was only days after O.J. Simpson's ill- 
fated Bronco run. Robert Kardashian, 
Simpson’s close friend and confidant, was 
worried and confused—and positive that his 
house was being bugged. So he met at mid- 
night with an old acquaintance in the noisi- 
est place possible, a parking lot next to one of 
LA.’ busiest freeways. Lawrence Schiller's 
discussing this most infamous murder case 
in the dark of night would surprise only 
those who don't know him. Like some real- 
life Zelig or Forrest Gump, Schiller has a 
talent for popping up, inexplicably, in the 
middle of historic events. A photographer, 
filmmaker, author, interviewer and entrepre- 
neur, Schiller has phenomenal instincts and 
even better luck. He was in Utah when killer 
Gary Gilmore was executed—but before 
Gilmore died, Schiller had been astuie 
enough to tie up Gibnore’s movie and book 
rights. He was in Texas when Jack Ruby shot 
Lee Harvey Oswald, and within hours he 
owned the rights to the photo of the murder. 
Schiller has worked his odd magic with 
Charles Manson, Marilyn Monroe, Richard 
Nixon and the family of Lenny Brace. 

What irks people about Schiller, besides 
his success, are his methods. He finagles and 
manipulates his way into major stories while 
those in the establishment media sit. helpless- 
ly on the sidelines, immobilized by the weight 
of ethical considerations. Schiller's unerring 


“Twas in the basement when Lee Harvey Os- 
wald was being moved. He came out and 
somebody stepped in front of me. There was a 
flash. I saw somebody shooting somebody, but 
1 never got the fucking picture.” 


nose for news leads him to a story and he lets 
nothing stand in his way. As a result he has 
been involved in some of the most compelling 
and unusual works of journalism, film and 
photography of the past three decades. 

he only real surprise about Schiller was 
that he took several months to surface in the 
Simpson affair,” wrote “New Yorker” re- 
porter Jeffrey Toobin in his Simpson book, 
“The Run of His Life.” Even Toobin didn’t 
realize how quickly Schiller had managed to 
ingratiate himself into Simpson's camp. Im- 
mediately after the murders, Schiller, who 
knew both Simpson and millionaire lawyer 
Kardashian casually, "had a hunch" that 
Simpson was hiding out with a mutual 
friend — Kardashian. 

Soon Schiller had succeeded in meeting. 
with Kardashian and Simpson's lawyers. Ii 
was no easy chore to win over the lawyers, 
but Schiller did. His first task was designed 
to help Simpson’s image and get Simpson 
some cash. At a time when every reporter in 
the country was trying to gain access to 
Simpson in jail, Schiller visited him on 11 
occasiuns, He arrived at the jail in different 
cars, always along different routes, so no one 
could discover what he was up to. Inside, he 
sat on one side of а glass wall, Simpson on 
the other, a tape recorder running, recording 
conversations that Schiller turned into “I 
Want to Tell You," a book that sold well but 


“OJ. was incensed. He kept screaming al 
me. For the first time in my relationship with 
him, I felt the heat of his anger. Not the 
anger, the heat of his anger. That may have 
said more to me than some of the evidence.” 


was vilified by many critics. “I Want to Tell 
You" earned Simpson—who was in desper- 
ate need of cash to pay his legal expenses— 
$1.4 million (Schiller pocketed $170,000). 

By then Schiller had become an unofficial 
member of the defense, helping to direct a PR 
campaign to aid Simpson both inside and 
outside of the courtroom. Schiller leaked sto- 
ries to the press that were calculated to im- 
prove Simpson's image. He volunteered to 
edit the taped interviews of Detective Mark 
Fuhrman that were eventually played in the 
courtroom and so effectively undermined the 
prosecution’s case. Schiller became so impor- 
tant to the defense that when one day he 
didn't get his usual seat in Judge Lance Ito's 
courtroom, he complained to Simpson lawyer 
Johnnie Cochran, who took it up with the 
Judge. Schiller was immediately returned to 
his spot. 

Schiller’s tie to Simpson continued after 
the not-guilty verdict was delivered in Octo- 
ber 1995. He was the only photographer to 
document (with his fiancée, Kathy Amer- 
man) Simpson's acquittal party (after mak- 
ing a deul with Simpson and “The Stas,” for 
which he earned about 20 percent of Simp- 
son's $640,000 fee). 

Schiller, meanwhile, was working on a proj- 
ect that was out of their control. Using his 
access lo Simpson's lawyers and friends, he 
conducted hundreds of interviews about the 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY KATHY AMERMAN 
“I took the picture to Marilyn Monroe. She 
loved it and started talking. I didn’t know if 
she wanted to be fucked or what. I wasn’t as 
fat then, but I was still a little heavy. I was a 
chickenshit. I didn't make a move.” 


47 


PLAYBOY 


case for his oun book, "American Tragedy: 
The Uncensored Story." When the book came 
out this past October, it shocked the Simpson 
camp and the country. Schiller had done the 
unbelievable for a Simpson insider—he had 
switched sides and written, with James Will- 
werth, a headline-making book that pointed 
the finger of guilt at his friend and onetime 
partner. The book contains revelations: that 
Simpson had tried to kill himself, that the de- 
fense lawyers were constantly at one anoth- 
er's throats, that Simpson failed a lie detector 
test soon after the killings and that the 
lawyers redecorated Simpson’s home in 
preparation for a visit there by the jury, re- 
placing a nude picture of Paula Barbieri 
with a photograph of Simpson and his moth- 
er as well as hanging up a Norman Rockwell 
print of a black girl walking to school ac- 
companied by federal marshals. 

Even more impressive, Schiller persuaded 
Kardashian to give his perspective: Kar- 
dashian served as the main source for 
Schiller’s book (and was compensated for his 
effort). “American Tragedy,” for which 
Schiller received a $1.25 million advance, 
was an instant best-seller and was launched 
at a celebrity party hosted by Norman Mai- 
ler and Dominick Dunne. Attacked by Rob- 
ert Shapiro, Cochran, Alan Dershowitz and 
others, it earned rave reviews in “The New 
York Times” and the “Los Angeles Times,” 
which called it the best-written and best- 
researched book on the Simpson case yet. 

Schiller, 60, is a man with a confounding 
reputation. His demeanor and tactics make 
him seem like the perfect reporter for the 
“National Enquirer.” But his work has often 
been masterful. He earned accolades for the 
picture book “Minamata” that he produced 
with photographer W. Eugene Smith on the 
crippling effects of mercury pollution in 
Japan. He worked on a highly respected tele- 
vision miniseries, “Peter the Great,” and the 
Academy Award-winning “Man Who Skied 
Down Everest.” He collaborated on a series 
of books writien by Norman Mailer: Yet he is 
louthed by some former sources, by colleagues 
and by many journalists. Toobin described 
Schiller as a “perfectly amoral profiteer.” 
Producer David Susskind—against whom 
Schiller competed for the rights to one sensa- 
tional story—once said, “Schiller swoops 
down on tragic events vulturelike and ghoul- 
ishly, salivating all the time." 

Little in Schiller's life hasn't been contro- 
versial. Born in New York, he was the son of 
a discount merchanl. When he was seven, 
the family moved to San Diego, where his fa- 
ther opened a camera, appliance and sport- 
ing goods store. As a child Schiller perma- 
nently damaged one eye in an accident. But 
by the age of 12, he was a passionate pho- 
tographer. The hobby led to a college scholar- 
ship at Pepperdine and to an early career 
shooling historic photos for “Life,” “Look” 
and “Paris Match.” He photographed 
Richard and Pat Nixon, Vietnamese dragon 
lady Madame Nhu, Ann-Margret, Barbra 
Streisand and two popes. He also conducted 
interviews with some of his subjects for audio 


48 albums and books, such as the one that doc- 


umented LSD culture in the Sixties. A pho- 
tographer on the sel of many movies, he took 
nude photographs of Marilyn Monroe after 
she achieved stardom. One famous shot from 
Schiller’s session appeared in PLAYBOY in 
1964. He shot numerous pictorials for 
PLAYBOY, including the first shots of pubic 
hair to appear in the magazine, in 1969. 
Moments after hearing the news about the 
assassination of President John E Kennedy, 
Schiller headed for Dallas. He was present 
when Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald 
and later conducted the last interview with 
Ruby before he died. Schiller also ingratiat- 
ed himself with the Manson family and in- 
terviewed member Susan Atkins, collaborat- 
ing with her on a book, He managed to get 
hundreds of hours of exclusive interview 
time with the widow of Lenny Bruce, which 
became the basis for the book “Ladies and 
Gentlemen, Lenny Bruce!" 

For “Marilyn,” a book of photos of Mon- 
тое, he persuaded Norman Mailer to write 
the text and thereby began a tumultuous, 
though productive, relationship that led to а 
number of collaborations with the writer. 
The most significant of these was “The Exe- 
cutioner's Song.” By spreading around his 


Simpson has some 
deep-seated concerns about 
the way he is perceived. So 

I wonder: Could it have 


come out with Nicole? 


money and charming Gary Gilmore's friends 
and family, Schiller sewed up the rights to 
Gilmore’s story, just as Gilmore was about to 
be executed in a Utah prison. In typical 
Schiller fashion, he became a central figure 
in events that surrounded the execution and 
brought the story to Mailer, who wrote “The 
Executioner's Song" with the help of 
Schiller’s research. Schiller went on to direct 
the television movie of the story, based on 
Mailer’s script. 

Mailer's most recent book on Lee Harvey 
Oswald was also brought to him by and re- 
searched with Schiller. “Oswald’s Tale,” 
which relies on interviews with members and 
former members of the KGB, with Marina 
Oswald and with many other sources, came 
out of a relationship Schiller built in Russia 
when he made “Peter the Great.” 

Schiller has been divorced three times and 
is now engaged to Amerman, a photogra- 
pher. He has five children from his first 
two marriages. Although he had made mil- 
lions of dollars on various projects, he filed 
for bankrupicy in 1991 after spending 
$600,000 in an ill-fated attempt to make a 
movie about Chernobyl. He’s back on his feet 
again, in part because of the Simpson case. 
He also may have a new career because of his 


current book. Mailer once wrote that Schiller 
was sometimes “ready to cry in his sleep that 
he was a writer without hands." But Jason 
Epstein, his editor at Random House, says 
Schiller learned to write during the course of 
this book. “The final draft is all Schiller’s,” 
Epstein says. We sent Contributing Editor 
David Sheff lo track down Schiller for the 
“Playboy Interview." Here is Sheff's report: 

“I met with Schiller at his suite in the 
Plaza Hotel in Manhattan soon after he was 
subpoenaed to appear at the civil trial 
against Simpson. He seemed delighted. 
"They're going to ask me to reveal my 
sources, he says, ‘Of course, I won't. If 
1 wind up in jail, it'll be great publicity for 
the book." 

“The suite was equipped for business with 
a fax machine and a laptop. We sat facing 
each other with my two tape recorders on the 
coffee table between us. Before I asked my 
first question, Schiller carefully examined 
the recorders. ‘I conducted my first interview 
with a wire recorder,’ he said, ‘the same kind 
used decades ago by the KGB. When I got in 
10 see Ruby before he died, I had a tape 
recorder hidden inside a Neiman Marcus 
briefcase. For one session with O.J., the one 
that I knew would be used to introduce the 
audio version of "I Want to Tell You," I used 
а DAT recorder. The guards were impressed.” 

“During our long interview sessions, 
Schiller often apologized for being 'inarticu- 
late.’ In fact he is a gripping storyteller with 
a remarkable memor; for detail. Î was struck 
by his desire for respectability, something 
that has eluded him despite his triumphs. 
Clearly, Schiller craves more than anything 
to be a man of substance. ‘He hus worked 
hard to purify himself,’ Norman Mailer told 
me in a telephone conversation. ‘He has 
changed more than any person I know. He is 
now very much a man of substance." 


PLAYBOY: Let's start with the obvious 
question: Did O.J. Simpson get away 
with murder? 

SCHILLER: If he committed these crimes— 
and the blood evidence certainly said 
he did, though the time line says he 
didn't—I think he must have repressed 
them completely. 

PLAYBOY: You were close to Simpson. 
Which side of the issue do you come 
down on? 

‘SCHILLER: Since I didn't talk to him today, 
I come down on the side of guilty. 
PLAYBOY: Meaning? 

SCHILLER: If I had had a conversation 
with him today, 1 would probably say he 
is innocent. He is that persuasive. 
PLAYBOY: Does he really believe he’s in- 
nocent or could he be a convincing liar? 
SCHILLER: I think he believes he's inno- 
cent. Bernard Yudowitz [a psychiatrist 
who evaluated Simpson in jail] said cer- 
tain atypical killers are so repulsed by 
their actions that these actions become 
submerged. The actions cease to exist in 
their universe. They have to destroy any 
evidence that their crimes do exist. The 
episode I report in my book about the 


drainpipe [Simpsen frantically cleans a 
drainpipe in his home because he fears it could. 
have his blood in it] is very interesting. He 
is trying to wipe out evidence of the 
crime not because of a fear of prosecu- 
tion, but because he wants to wipe out 
the crime itself. 
PLAYBOY: You interviewed him in jail for 
36 hours. In all that time, did you dis- 
cover any holes in his story or any evi- 
dence that he was lying? 

SCHILLER: No. But since then I’ve seen 
another side of him. 

PLAYBOY: What have you seen? 

SCHILLER: Simpson called me about ten 
days ago. He was very upset about one 
story in my book that was reported on 
ТУ. I wrote about the lawyers making 
over his house for the black jury, replac- 
ing the pictures of white women on the 
wall with pictures of Simpson's family 
and a Norman Rockwell print of a black 
girl. He was incensed. He was scream- 
ing. I kept saying to him, “Read the 
book, O.J. Stop it! Wait until you read it 
in the book. It's out of context.” I said, “I 
didn't say you changed the pictures. 1 
didn't say you knew aboutit or wanted it 
dont iut he continued screaming. For 
the first time in my entire relationship 
with him, 1 felt the heat of his anger— 
not the anger, the heat of his anger. The 
words were on top of one another; they 
were out of control. I wanted to get off 
the phone, and I'm the type of person 
who never wants to get off the phone. 
It's not because I didn't want to discuss 
10—111 fight for the book. But I wanted 
to get away from that terrifying heat. 
That may have said more to me than 
some of the evidence. 

PLAYBOY: Why would this one revelation 
infuriate him? He's been accused of 
worse things than that. 

SCHILLER: I think it is an affront to his 
view of himself—a powerful affront. He 
has some deep-seated concerns about 
the way he is perceived. So I wonder: Is 
that the sign of insanity? Could it have 
come out with Nicole? Could it be a 
doorway into his insanity to see that he 
cared so much about the perception that 
he was party to altering his home? I 
don't know. Throughout my career, Гуе 
interviewed a lot of criminally insane 
people. I interviewed Adam Berwid, 
who was in jail in Mineola, New York for 
killing h - There was a guard in the 
room the whole time. The day after I 
completed the interview, his lawyer went 
to see him, and Berwid stabbed him in 
the neck with a pencil or ballpoint. For a 
long time 1 wondered if I had left my 
pen or pencil there nobody knows how 
he gotit. There was nevera doubt: Here 
was a person who was genuinely and 
clearly insane. Another time, I inter- 
viewed two guys who had been sen- 
tenced to death and had figured out that 
the only way they could escape their sen- 
tences was to prove they were insane. 
They met in prison and decided to cut 


off each other's toes and fingers and oth- 
er limbs with a hacksaw. They didn’t use 
anything to numb the pain. There are 
extremes you will go to that are them- 
selves acts of insanity. So now I have to 
ask, "Is there insai in the reaction I 
got from Simpson?” I’m not certain. 


PLAYBOY: Had you been a juror, would 
you have found Simpson guilty or not 


guilty? 


: Not guilty. The blood evidence 
is hard to ignore, but the time line offers 
reasonable doubt. The key is the young 
couple, on their first date, who walked 
down Bundy at 10:25 and didn't sce the 
paw prints of the Akita, I re-created it 
and it’s pretty convincing. It says that he 
couldn't have committed the murders. 
On the other hand, the blood evidence is 
difficult to explain. 

PLAYBOY: You reported that Johnnie 
Cochran was always troubled by Simp- 
son's inability to explain in a reasonable 
and consistent way the cuts on his hand. 
Do you agree those wounds indicate 
Simpson's guilt? 

SCHILLER: Of course. There's no logical 
explanation for those cuts. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you would still vote not 
guilty. 

SCHILLER: Yes. But my view isn't the point. 
1 wrote the book to put forth the sto- 
ry. I want readers to draw their own 
conclusions. 

PLAYBOY: How exactly did you get in- 
volved with this case? 

SCHILLER: Years ago, my first wife and 1 
lived across the street from Simpson, 
though I never really knew him. Su- 
zanne, my oldest child, babysat for Ar- 
nelle and Jason and became very close to 
О]. wife's sister. I got divorced and we 
moved away from the neighborhood 
and that was the end of O.J. Simpson, 
the celebrity who lived up the street. Lat- 
er, with my second wife, | met and be- 
came friends with Robert Kardashian. 
Years later, the murders happen. I knew 
that Robert and O.J. were very close. 1 
just figured out that he must be with 
Robert. I called and left a message on 
Roberts machine. He called back five 
days later. 

PLAYBOY: Next you and Kardashian had 
the clandestine meeting by the freeway. 
What happened? 

SCHILLER: He was so scared. He was sure 
his house was bugged. That's why I sug- 
gested the freeway. If he was being 
bugged with parabolic microphones, the 
freeway noise would muffle our conver- 
sation. I told him that this case was going 
to become bigger than he imagined. We 
met again—by then he was no longer 
worried about being bugged—and I told 
him to keep a meticulous record of ev- 
erything that happened. 

PLAYBOY: Did you call because you 
already wanted to get involved in this 
story? 

SCHILLER: At that point, I didn’t know 
what I wanted to do. Right after the 


murders, I heard from my daughter 
Suzanne, who lives in Philadelphia. 
“Dad, I hope you're not going near 
this,” she said. My son Marc said to me, 
“He's guilty. He did it. Don’t get in- 
volved with another killer”—something 
like that. 

PLAYBOY: Was there a chance you would 
take their advice and stay away? 
SCHILLER: I guess not. 

PLAYBOY: Why? What attracts you? Mur- 
der? The media frenzy? 

SCHILLER: The challenge. Everyone want- 
ed to get to O.J., and I thought I would 
be the one. I also thought I would at- 
tempt to do something respectable. 1 
know it sounds self-serving, but I felt I 
could. I wanted Suzanne to end up say- 
ing, "You did it the right way this ti 
PLAYBOY: Were you waiting for a way in? 
SCHILLER: That's right. And I found it 
when I learned about the mountains of 
mail coming in to O.J. I came up with 
the idea for the book that became J Want 
to Tell You. The defense needed money. 
Robert had tried but wasn’t able to get a 
loan on O,J.’s house; nobody would give 
О.]. a loan. So I proposed this project 
and it was approved. 

PLAYBOY: Did you indeed get 20 percent 
of O,J.’s take of $1.4 million? 

SCHILLER: I got 20 percent of whatever it 
was, although I had to pay the expenses 
out of my share. But the money was 
unimportant, It was the challenge. How 
do you think I felt the first day I walked 
їп to see Simpson in jail? On subsequent 
I drove to the jail in various cars 
with different license plates. Do you real- 
ize the challenge? Talk about an adrena- 
line rush. 

PLAYBOY: You were allowed in to see 
Simpson not as a journalist but as a ma- 
terial witness for the defense. Was this 
aruse? 

SCHILLER: At the time I denied it, but of 
course it was. Kardashian got Shawn 
Chapman [an attorney in Johnnie 
Cochran's office] to put me on the list to 
get in. 

PLAYBOY: Describe the Simpson you met 
in jail. 

SCHILLER: I was worried that I would 
have to sell him on the idea and on me, 
to persuade him to talk. But he just start- 
ed talking. 1 saw him in every mood: de- 
pressed, angry, crying. He was a caged 
person who was nonetheless trying to 
live like a king. He n't know what he 
was saying half the time. He was strug- 
gling just to keep his persona, very much 
like the Gatsby character. He was differ- 
ent in different interviews. 1 did 11 in- 
terviews with him. It was many moods. It 
was multilayered. But what came out 
was consistent. There was never an in- 
consistency in his story or in his view of 
himself as innocent. 

PLAYBOY: In what ways was he trying to 
live like a king? 

SCHILLER: They brought in people to 
make him happy, from his golfing 


PELSREVEBZORN 


buddies to neighbors. He was chained to 
the floor in the room where he met peo 
ple, but it was open. There was glass be- 
tween him and his visitors, but they 
could breathe the same air. With Judge 
Lance Ito’s consent, he was given a ma- 
terial-witness list that was designed to let 
anyone he wanted to sec come visit with 
him. Once, Paula Barbieri showed up 
with seminude pictures of herself that 
had been taken for a fashion magazine 
or something. I'm in there, she's there 
showing him the pictures through the 
glass. These were sensual, sexy pictures. 
She asked if he wanted some prints for 
his cell. He said no. “I don’t want them. 
Some guard may steal them and leak 
them to a tabloid: “This is what O.J. has 
in jail." She was holding up all these pic- 
tures and they were the type of pictures 
that would make a guy horny. How can I 
put this: In a joking way, he pretended 
that he was enjoying himself. 

PLAYBOY: T hat he was masturbating? 
SCHILLER: In a joking way. She is showing 
him picture after picture after picture. Is 
that not taking care of the king? Another 
time she was there for four hours ad- 
dressing Christmas cards with him. But 
Ito had to respond when / Want to Tell 
You came out. It was such an obvious 
breach of the material-witness list that 
Tto put his foot down because the sheriff 
was embarrassed. They basically took 
O.].'s material-witness list away—it went 


down to 12 or 18 persons and there had 
to be an affidavit that stated why each 
person was a material witness. Before 
that, all his friends were on the list. 
PLAYBOY: Before meeting with Simpson, 
did you think he was guilty? 

SCHILLER: I didn't know. 

PLAYBOY If you had become convinced 
that he was guilty, would you have con- 
tinued with the book? 

SCHILLER: I would not have. Truly. 
PLAYBOY: So you believed that he was 
innocent? 

SCHILLER: 1 don't think anybody in the 
world in November or December 1994 
could have sat opposite him for more 
than an hour and believed he was guilty. 
He was that persuasive. When I walked 
away from Gary Gilmore, I knew. He 
was a cold-blooded killer. I understood 
how you could be looking him straight in 
the eye, carrying on a conversation, and 
he would be sliding a shiv into your 
heart. In the process of conducting the 
interviews with Gilmore, we asked him if 
there was a crime worse than killing. His 
answer impressed me: “Yes,” he said, 
“there is. It is worse to irrevocably alter 
someone's life—to take a hammer and 
hit someone in the head so he or she 
lives the rest of his or her life like a veg- 
etable." It showed how clearly Gilmore 
knew what he was doing. He was a mur- 
derer. But with O.J., there was no way of 
knowing. 


CAMEL MENTHOL LIGHT: 


10mg. 


0.7 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


PLAYBOY: More than half the country 
thought they knew. 

SCHILLER: But nobody had interviewed 
him since the murders. Maybe I didn't 
have the intellectual capacity to draw the 
correct conclusions, but I didn't see him 
as guilty. I don't think I'm exaggerating 
the power he had to convince people. 

+ Did you have any qualms about 
helping Simpson at that time? 

SCHILLER: Why would I have qualms? 
Dominick Dunne was asked on a talk 
show if he would have visited Simp- 
son in jail if he had gotten a call. He 
said, “I would have been there before 
the sentence was completed.” Anyone 
would have. 

PLAYBOY: But / Mane to Tell You was pure 
propaganda designed to elicit sympathy 
for Simpson. 

SCHILLER: That was the point. We wanted 
to present an image before the jury was 
impaneled. At the time, Robert Shapiro 
[Simpson's original lead attorney] was 
asking television stations to play Twelve 
Angry Men for the same reason. 

PLAYBOY: But you said you didn't know if 
Simpson was guilty or not 

SCHILLER: I guess I have to say that the 
ego of being the guy to pull it off is what 
ruled here. The best part was that we 
were able to keep it a secret for so long. 
Everybody who worked on the book 
lived in the house. The publisher's copy 
editors, everybody. We changed the 


© 1997 A. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


phones. We put on digital scanners. We 
shredded the garbage. The dining room 
became a writing room. The bedroom 
became the layout room. 

PLAYBOY: Do you understand why many 
people loathe that book? 

SCHILLER: Sure, and a journalist may not 
have done it. It would taint his reputa- 
tion. But to Schiller, this was an opportu- 
nity that might pay off. It was a way ofin- 
gratiating himself to Simpson and the 
defense team. I admit it! Not proud- 
ly, but I admit it factually. At the same 
time, I knew that the shadow of this 
book would stay with me for the rest 
of my life. 

PLAYBOY: Are you proud of / Want to 
Tell You? 

SCHILLER: Not of the book, but I am 
proud that 1 was able to pull it off. And 
you must remember that I spent 11 days 
interviewing Simpson before we had a 
deal. I could have made millions of dol- 
lars with those tapes. I could have be- 
come а millionaire overnight. But here 
is an example of Larry Schiller keeping 
his eye on the prize. This was just a 
step. I had ingratiated myself into his 
camp. Milking it for the last dollar was 
unimportant. 

PLAYBOY: You also volunteered to edit the 
tapes of Mark Fuhrman that were even- 
tually played for the jury. Why? 
SCHILLER: [t was another way to ingratiate 
myself with the defense. 


PLAYBOY: Did you realize how important 
they would turn out to be? 

SCHILLER: As soon as 1 listened to them, I 
knew what would happen. I listened to 
them all and edited 41 sections. Nobody 
knew how much the judge would allow. I 
know every word by heart. 

PLAYBOY: At what point did you decide to 
write your own book on the case? Was 
that the reason you spent so much time 
with the defense? 

SCHILLER: 1 didn't know exactly what J 
wanted to do, but I knew I had a unique 
perspective. Though I wasn't able to get 
law students and professors inside the 
defense, I was inside. My first idea was to 
ask Jeffrey Toobin [who covered the case 
for The New Yorker and eventually wrote 
his own book] to collaborate with me. He 
would write the prosecution's story and I 
would write the defense's story in alter- 
nate chapters. He wasn't interested. 
PLAYBOY: In fact he was critical, even con- 
temptuous, of you in his book 

SCHILLER: I knew it was coming. It doesn't 
bother me. 

PLAYBOY: When you decided to write this 
book, were you afraid that your involve- 
ment in I Want to Tell You had destroyed 
any credibility that you might have? 
SCHILLER: Yes. I was particularly dis- 
turbed when I realized how good a book 
I could write. But I also knew I had 
credibility because of my material. My 
interviews and research gave me all the 


credibility. 

PLAYBOY: Your primary source was Kar- 
dashian. Why did he cooperate so fully 
with you? 

SCHILLER: I think because he trusted that 
I would represent him accurately. 
PLAYBOY: You also paid him. 

SCHILLER: Robert was paid on an hourly 
basis for his time like the other lawyers. 
PLAYBOY: Does he have a stake in the suc- 
cess of the book? 

SCHILLER: No. 

PLAYBOY: What if the book is a runaway 
best-seller and you make millions of 
dollars? 

SCHILLER: If 1 make millions of dollars I 
will be very happy to share it with the 
people who contributed. Robert will not 
be singled out. 

PLAYBOY: How much money was Kar- 
dashian paid? 

SCHILLER: With all due respect, Connie 
Chung doesn't tell me how much she 
pays for interviews. 

PLAYBOY: T he point is that you paid your 
chief source. 

SCHILLER: ГІ tell you that the highest- 
paid lawyer, based on hourly rates, was 
not Kardashian. He just gave me more 
hours, so he wound up getting a little 
more money. But he was not the high- 
est paid. 

PLAYBOY: The fact is, no reputable jour- 
nalist pays his sources, and you knov it. 
SCHILLER: I wouldn't think of not 


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By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


PLAYBOY 


compensating people for their time. 
Johnnie Cochran was paid more than 
$4 million for his time. Shapiro was paid 
$1.5 million. 

PLAYBOY. They were paid for writing 
their books. It's not the same as paying 
sources. 

SCHILLER: Do you really think Carl Doug- 
las would have given me more than 20 
hours of time for nothing? Come on! 
"There's nothing wrong with paying him 
his normal hourly rate. 

PLAYBOY: One thing that’s wrong is that 
paid sources are unreliable. They have a 
financial incentive to embellish their 
stories. 

SCHILLER: I don't rely solely on any one 
source. My book is multisourced. I 
checked everything and cross-checked it 
PLAYBOY: Kardashian is being attacked by 
members of the defense team and other 
lawyers for revealing secrets that are 
protected by his professional relation- 
ship with Simpson. Do you agree that he 
has crossed the line? 

SCHILLER: No. Maybe he made a breach 
when he told Barbara Walters [during a 
20/20 interview] that Simpson miserably 
failed the lie detector test he took right 
after the murders. But I didn’t rely on 
Robert for that story. He was not the first 
nor the only source for it 

PLAYBOY: But did Kardashian know 
about the polygraph because he was 
Simpson's lawyer? 

SCHILLER: Robert didn't have a bar li- 
сспзс. He had studied law. He had 
passed the bar, but he never pursued it 
as a profession. I don't think he's wor- 
ried about being sanctioned by the bar. 
PLAYBOY. Docs Kardashian have a rc- 
sponsibility to Simpson as a friend? Did 
he betray Simpson? 

SCHILLER: Kardashian said to me on 
many occasions, “Simpson never asked 
me to withhold anything. He never told 
me to lie. He never said I shouldn't talk, 
and only he will know whether I have 
betrayed our friendship." Kardashian 
doesn't believe he has. He believes that if 
Simpson reads the book, he will end up 
admiring Robert for what he's done. 
PLAYBOY: That's self-serving. Its unlikely 
that Simpson would agree with that. 
SCHILLER: Robert did this because he 
needed to rid himself of it so he could 
have some peace in his life. This guy is 
going through hell. Every place he goes 
people spit on him and cuss at him. 
‘They write “murderer” on his car. 
Whether he is seen as supporting O.J. or 
being against him, he is attacked. So he 
wanted to purge himself. 

PLAYBOY: How about you? Do you ac- 
knowledge that you betrayed Simpson 
and his lawyers in order to cash in? 
SCHILLER: There was no betrayal. There is 
no question that 1 exploited the situa- 
tion, but it was not to make money. 
PLAYBOY: After your bankruptcy because 
of Chernobyl, didn't you need money? 


52 SCHILLER: 1 have five children. Three are 


grown, one is in college and another is a 
Junior in high school. I want to earn 
money, but this is motivated by some- 
thing else. If I were to stand in the bath- 
room with no clothes on and look at my- 
self in the mirror and ask, “What was 
your real motive, Larry?” it's that I want- 
ed to be the person to do it. Maybe the 
means were not perfect at times, and I 
am not saying that the end justifies the 
means, but I don’t think anything would 
have stopped me from trying to reach 
my goal. 

PLAYBOY: What is it? Notoriety? 

SCHILLER: I've already had notoriety. It's 
the sense of accomplishment, the sense 
of leaving something to my family that 
they might be proud of, something that 
juxtaposes the criticism and the contro- 
versies of my life. I am as proud of my 
book about the case as I am of anything 
I've done. 

PLAYBOY: But we'll ask it again: By writ- 
ing it, did you betray Simpson? 
SCHILLER: No. I followed through with 
every agreement that I made with OJ 
I made him lots of money. I helped 
influence public opinion. I edited the 
Fuhrman tapes, which were key to his 
trial. In my agreement with him, I al- 
ways had the option of doing my own 
book. Because of my agreement with 
O.J., 1 didn’t rely on any material that I 
had. Listen, there are, in my goddamn 
closet at home, a stack of O.J.'s diaries, 
the notes he kept throughout the trial. I 
never even read them because I didn't 
want to be tempted to use the material. 
Because of our contract, I couldn't use 
any of the material from my interviews 
with Simpson. But I was free to do my 
own work. 

PLAYBOY: You said the means may not 
have been perfect. What was wrong with 
the means? 

SCHILLER: There were things I did. At one 
point, at the end, after the acquittal, 
there was a time when I hugged him. I 
did feel very guilty. When he got out of 
the van and he was walking into the 
house, holding the Bible up, he passed 
me. I gave him a hug and said, “You did 
it, you did it!" I felt guilty for that. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 

SCHILLER: I don’t know. In the emotion of 
the moment, I just gave him a hug. 
Everyone else was giving him hugs and I 
didn't want to be. .. . I don't think a cer- 
tain type of journalist would have given 
him a hug. 

PLAYBOY: So you felt guilty because you 
felt it was unprofessional? 

SCHILLER: That's right. It was stepping 
over the line. 

PLAYBOY: Perhaps you were acknowledg- 
ing that your role in this case was con- 
fused. Had you become his friend and 
colleague or were you a journalist who 
would write a book that would be viewed 
as a betrayal? 

SCHILLER: I never felt as if we were 
friends. I would call us acquaintances, 


not friends. When I hugged him, I was 
caught up in the moment. That's all. It 
was an emotional day. 1 saw what was yet 
to come. At the acquittal party, Kathy 
[Amerman, the photographer, Schiller's 
fiancée] and I were taking pictures. We'd 
divided up the house. People would 
come up to O.]. and I would ask them to 
stand closer together so I could take a 
picture. But no one would. They moved 
away from him. They said, "Oh, that's 
OK, we dont need a picture.” They said, 
"No thanks. That's all right." Outside, in 
the cars, on our way there, first we heard 
cheering and that faded into the cries of 
“Murderer, murderer.” Then we were 
inside among his friends and no one 
would stand close to him to be pho- 
tographed. It was very illuminating of 
what was to come. 
PLAYBOY: Does it surprise you that his 
lawyers feel you betrayed them? 
SCHILLER: It depends who you're talking 
about. Some are embarrassed by things 
Туе reported about them, sure. 
PLAYBOY: Have you heard from Robert 
Shapiro? 
SCHILLER: He's been out of the country 
since the book came out. 
PLAYBOY: Johnnie Cochran has denied 
some of your charges. Specifically, he de- 
nies having made a comment after see- 
ing Simpson the night before his closing 
argument to the jury. You reported that 
Simpson attempted to sculpt Cochran's 
closing remarks and that there was an 
argument. Afterward, Cochran said, *It's 
a good thing I don't have blond hair." 
SCHILLER: Only four people were in the 
car when that was said, I can tell you that 
Cochran said it. 1 understand that his 
persona is important to him. Of course 
he won't admit to saying it. 
PLAYBOY: Has F Lec Bailey responded to 
the book? He comes off as exceedingly 
incompetent. 
SCHILLER: He hasn't said that anything in 
the book is untruthful. He has said he 
believes that Kardashian has breached 
his responsibility as a lawyer, but not that 
I breached my agreement with him. His 
incompetence is obvious when you read 
the transcripts. But what's more humili- 
ating to Bailey is what Carl Douglas told 
me: that they wouldn't allow him to have 
а copy of the Fuhrman tapes. Bailey was 
pleading with him: “Why can't 1 have 
them?" “Well, you can't be trusted." 
"That's what is humiliating to him. But 
it's history. Fm not going to sacrifice the 
truth of history to remain a friend of 
Е Lee Bailey. At the same time, I hope 
he will respect me more because I 
haven't done something just to make a 
friend of him. 
PLAYBOY: It's unlikely. 
SCHILLER: I don't know. It depends on 
how big a man he is. I would say it's un- 
likely with Johnnie Cochran. 
PLAYBOY: After watching these lawyers in 
action, who would you call if you needed 
(continued on page 146) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He's a man who knows that the best entertaining starts at home. His personal formula for romance: 
a bottle of 1982 Bordeaux and Luther Vandross. He's discerning, naturally, about the quality of 
sound. Last year PLAYBOY men bought 38 million records, tapes and discs. PLAYBOY men spent 
40 percent more on audio equipment than the male readers of Rolling Stone and Spin com- Y 

bined. When it's taste that counts, PLAYBOY's in a class by itself. (Source: Spring 1996 MRI.) 


53 


54 


IN THE inning was th 

Ву Jim Dwyer 55. "ee was he 

“That weekend, I was assigned Guide the Capitol, on a 
flatbed truck, and none of us knew where Jackie and the 
kids were," said Dan Farrell, a veteran New York Daily News 
photographer. "Someone said to me, ‘Do you vant to go 
over to the church?’ It was a good run from there to the 
cathedral. I took a very long lens on an old box camera; it 
must have been 200 millimeters in modern terms 

"I got there before the family appeared. When they came 
out and were all standing there, I was looking for the pic- 
ture. It seemed to me the ideal situation would be to get 
them with the casket. 

“I was 300 feet or so away, but I was looking through the 
lens and saw Jackie bend down to speak to John. I could 
read her lips. 

“She said, John, salute.’ He didn't respond at first. I took 
a deep breath. She said, John, John—salute.' Caroline had a 
prayer book in her hand, and she was looking down at it. 
Teddy and Bobby were in the frame. Peter Lawford. There 
was no motor drive on the camera. You got only one shot at 
it. The Associated Press didn't get the picture, but the Daily 
News is a member of the AP, so my picture went to it, and that 
was the one it sent out to papers around the world. 

“I can still see her face, see her lips moving: John, John— 
salute." 

. 


“When I see the picture of myself saluting at my father's 
funeral,” Kennedy said not long ago, “I really don't remem- 
ber it. But Гуе seen it so much I feel like I've lived it.” 

For John Kennedy—that, by the way, is the name on his 
business card, no middle initial Е, no suffixed Jr—it can be 
no small task to sort the authentic from the counterfeit, the 
moments actually lived from those fabricated by the machin- 
ery of family and national myth 

Return, now, to St. Matthew's Cathedral in Washington, as 
John Kennedy did six years ago 

It was the night before the wedding of his cousin Mary 
Kerry Kennedy, daughter of Robert Е Kennedy, to Andrew 
Cuomo, son of former New York governor Mario Cuomo. 
The bride and groom were rehearsing their ceremony. The 
big cathedral was empty except for a small crowd, the wed- 
ding party, clustered near the front. 

There was giddiness in the air. That was 
not disrespect; it was just the human spirit 
dealing with the momentous, solemn 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


ctor, lawyer, publisher, 
married man—camelot’s prince 


tackles his destiny 


promise of marriage. And at this wedding, it wasn’t just the 
future that had to be brought into balance with the present. 

Near the main altar of the cathedral, a marble tablet set 
into the center aisle marks the spot where President 
Kennedy's coffin was placed during his funeral Mass three 
decades ago. Kerry Kennedy is a sensitive woman. Earlier 
that day, she arranged for a round Oriental rug to be laid 
over the plaque. The memorial was hidden before her 
cousin John arrived for the rehearsal. His official role was 
not cousin but usher for the groom. John and Andrew had 
been fast friends before Cuomo met Kerry. 

His arrival in the cathedral that night was noticed. 

“Hey, John,” one cousin called out. “Come over here, we 
want to show you something.” 

John ambled up front. The cousin leaned over and dra- 
matically yanked back the carpet, baring the plaque that 
memorializes JFK’s funeral. 

“Look at that, John,” said the cousin. “How about that?” 

John stood frozen while a few of the cousins giggled. Just 
like John, they joked, not to know where his own father’s fu- 
neral was held. The moment was too painful for others in 
the wedding party. 

“Hey, man, that’s fucked up,” barked another usher, 
James Hairston. “Put back the ru; 

“John was aghast,” said someone who was there. "| 
stunning and stupid. He reeled back.” 

Later, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis approached Hairston 
at the reception. “I want to thank you for helping John. back 
in the cathedral,” she said 

Reeled back: It had been 27 years since his father’s coffin 
rested on that spot, 27 years since young John Kennedy had 
been in that cathedral, 27 years since he stood outside, a lit- 
tle boy saluting into the lens of the world for the first time. 
All these years later, nothing gets left under the rug. Some- 
one is always waiting to roll it back. It is rare to find him 
shocked. Now he is more often the one with the surprises 


Tt was 


On an early autumn day in 1996 John Kennedy once 
again was photographed with a church backdrop. For his 
wedding, he fled cathedrals and crowds, choosing instead a 
ramshackle chapel on Cumberland Island in Georgia, with 
30 or so guests. But the image of him lifting his bride's 

gloved right band to his lips was instantly 
famous. 

"Today, John Fitzgerald Kennedy Jr., the 
only infant to live in the White House in 


e 
Special Issue M же 


Powerful Pecs 
and Public Policy 


John 
Kennedy 


A Guide to 
Offshore 
Prenups 


Dating 
a Cousin: H 

Is It Good 
Politics? ( 


| Actually 1.4 e 
a Real Wedding _ 
by Carolyn В Besse 


another pretty 
face 


not just 


PLAYBOY 


56 


the 20th century, is editor-in-chief of 
George, the only political-lifestyle maga- 
zine in the county. His wife, Carolyn 
Bessette, is a striking woman of long 
legs and strong opinions. “I am the 
happiest man in the world,” the groom 
said, toasting his bride at their wedding 
reception. 

Most biographical sketches indicate 
that his birth on November 25, 1960 
came less than three weeks afier his fa- 
ther was elected president. But that isa 
mere fact from a calendar. John Е 
Kennedy Jr. was born just as televisions 
were becoming as common as toasters 
in America. He has lived his entire life 
amid the dreadful confusion of people 
circling him with various fun-house 
mirrors, reflecting back a face, an im- 
age, a being that cannot look much 
like his own. 

“He has spent so much time protect- 
ing himself and gaining perspective on 
his existence that he has a far different 
take on what these public images 
mean,” said a thoughtful family friend. 

His romance with Bessette is over, the pa- 
pers declare, In fact, they were book- 
ing the chapel on Cumberland Island. 
She has taken up with a young man in 
Paris, where they have had long, earnest dis- 
cussions in cafés. The man in Paris was 
the designer of her wedding gown. She 
is а devout Catholic. Actually, a Unitari- 
an. It was a shotgun wedding that took 
place when she was nine weeks pregnant. 
They had reserved the place three 
months earlier, 

He jealously protects his privacy. 

Heck, anyone would buy that story, 
though they might wonder if they saw 
him roller-skating around in Central 
Park, barechested in case, we must as- 
sume, someone would be distracted by 
a sweaty T-shirt. Woody Allen, another 
supposed New York recluse, goes out 
in public wearing the standard Woody 
Allen disguise—floppy hat and khaki 
slacks—then sits at his regular table 
at Elaine's. Bashful Kennedy takes 
off his shirt. 

Atleast until his wedding, he still had 
а coterie of frat-boy friends, a few of 
whom seemed high on the boor meter. 
He still bicycles everywhere, going 
from his loft in Tribeca to the magazine 
office near Times Square. Or he'll ride 
the Broadway subway, face buried in a 
magazine. Last year one of his buddies, 
Brian Steel, ran in a Democratic prima- 
st a brainy, well-established 
West Side congressman, Jerrold Nad- 
ler. The Steel campaign consisted large- 
ly of gossip items about his friendship 
with John Kennedy. Nadler won. 

At the age of 36, John is living life on 
his own terms. But what are they? Un- 
til he got started with George, he had 
wandered from acting to lawyering to 
the gym, The résumé, in truth, was 


pretty light, if you leave aside three 
decades nonstop in the public eye. 
Showing off your chest is nothing com- 
pared with publishing a magazine in 
which you appear to bare, on а month- 
ly basis, little bits of your soul. 

After all these years, what does John 
Kennedy want us to see? 

George debuted in the fall of 1995. lt 
was the first time Kennedy was the 
boss, not just a grunt. And it was the 
first time every move he made was new. 
The district attorney's office could 
train him to make a bail application; 
the director at the Irish Arts Center 
could tell him how to enter from stage 
lefi. But there are no rules, precedents 
or career paths for being John Ken- 
nedy, product. 

The key at the start was typing his 
name on the cover. John Kennedy talks 
with George Wallace, his father’s segre- 
gation nemesis. John Kennedy talks 
with Iain Calder, former editor of the 
National Enquirer, biggest mirror in the 
fun house. John Kennedy talks with 
Warren Beatty, deposed champion in 
the “sexiest man alive” universe. It 
doesn’t matter what they talked about, 
as long as that name was on the cover. 
Good clean fun. Some lite chatter with 
and about Newt Gingrich, Pat Schroe- 
der, Julia Roberts. The toughest pieces 
have been profiles on reporters Bob 
Woodward and Ruth Shalit, his stern- 
est Q&A with the man from the Na- 
tional Enquirer. 

Kennedy brought in the ads and the 
stories and for most of the first year 
managed to avoid selling too much of 
himself. 

Then came another image. 

On the September day that his 
guests were being ferried to Cumber- 
land Island, George was on newsstands 
with a picture of actress Drew Barry- 
more made up as Marilyn Monroe. 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. PRESIDENT, said the 
George cover line. The cover was meant 
to recall Monroe's notorious serenade 
at Madison Square Garden to Presi- 
dent Kennedy on his 45th birthday. [t 
evoked much more: The event became 
the indelible image to accompany ru- 
mors of the president's dalliance with 
Monroe. After a life of carefully man- 
aged privacy and determined public 
dignity, John Kennedy splashed on the 
cover of George one of the tawdriest 
tales about his father. It’s reasonable to 
say that the Barrymore cover is the 
most astonishing photograph ever con- 
nected to John Kennedy, if only be- 
cause he picked the image himself. 

"Very very bad taste," said John 
Davis, a cousin of Jacqueline Kennedy 
Onassis. “Marilyn Monroe's Happy 
Birthday salute in Madison Square Gar- 
den at a time when she was having sex- 
ual relations with the president certain- 


ly was very distressing to Jacqueline.” 

Davis, of course, has built a cottage 
industry around “biographies” of his 
cousins-in-law. But it doesn't take a 
dedicated Kennedy camp follower to 
be shocked by that cover. Just ask Bar- 
bra Streisand. 

“I can't believe John Kennedy is try- 
ing to get me to dress up as Marilyn 
Monroc for the cover of his magazine," 
Streisand complained to a friend. "He 
is on the phone, twisting my arm 

Editor Kennedy appeared genuinely 
bewildered when the press reported 
shock and dismay at his decision. "It's 
reprising [a song] sung to my father in 
1962,” Kennedy told USA Today. Tt “is 
part of the iconography of American 
politics . . . an enduring image. . . . I 
don't see what possible taste questions 
could be involved. If I don't find it 
tasteless, I don't know why anyone 
would." 

“The whole magazine is a device for 
his coming to terms with the legacy of 
John E. Kennedy,” says a close friend. 
“These people have suffered a lot for 
what they carry. You don't feel entitled 
to be your own person. How did you 
get in the fix of being John F. Kennedy 
‘Jr? You thrash it out in George. 

“And you do this postmodern joke 
about your father.” 

Read his magazine. Or talk with a 
dozen people who know John Ken- 
nedy, some fleetingly, some at a dis- 
tance, some reasonably close up, and 
the worst that is said of him is that he's 
a little spacey. Not one person ever says 
that he is anything bur a sweet and de- 
cent guy, funny and with a certain 
smarts. Which makes the Barrymore 
cover all the more revealing. 

He mocks the very images that 
he traffics in, this genial survivor of 
the most famous homicide of the 20th 
century. 

That cover is the first public display 
of bad manners from a young man who 
has lived, in public, a life of rectitude 
ever since the moment Jacqueline 
Kennedy whispered, “John, John— 
salute.” 


And, by the way, there is a comma 
between those two Johns. He was 
dubbed “John-John” not by his family 
but by a reporter who misheard some- 
one in the White House calling to the 
little boy. In other words, the media 
started by getting his name wrong. 

Biographer Richard Reeves tells of 
President Kennedy calling in a Look 
photographer to shoot John Jr. playing 
under a desk. It was safe, the president 
explained, because the first lady was 
out of town. 

Then he went to Dallas. A father was 

(continued on page 128) 


"It's been an amusing year filled. with 
fabulous dalliance! Aunt Liz seduced 22 fops to Francine’s six. 
Chauncey’s getting potbellied and is a cuckold for the fifth time. Clarissa, more beautiful than 
ever, left the Sorbonne pregnant but sold her story to the Commedia dell'Arte. Gaspar is home for the 
holidays and playing Santa at the Marquis de Sade's. Geoffrey’s law practice grows daily, 
and I spent six months of irresponsible happiness 
diddling with a young rake.” 57 


© mmm 
- JAYNE HAYDEN 


AYNE HAYDEN assured me she hadn't been followed to the dark corner of the nondescript restaurant where we met 
for dinner, that the saltshaker didn't contain a bug (1 checked the pepper), that she wouldn't have to kill me after 
telling me about her job and that no one knew she was in Chicago posing under covers for rLayBoY. She had told her 
supervisors she was vacationing in New York and would be unreachable. They had taught her how to lie and to do it 
well, so they believed her. Harder to fathom was that this diminutive beauty has been trained to fire a rocket launch- 
er and an Uzi, persuade someone to betray their country, kick my ass if she had to, study my facial expressions to 
determine if I was being truthful and transform herself into any of several identities. But isn't that how it goes? The 


TOP SECRET 
You are accessing classified information! 
Unauthorized disclosure of this information 
could result in exceptionally grave 
danger to the United States. 


[@ Paychuiogicat Profiie: #2507. | 


The CIA has been criticized for its treatment of women. In 1995 the agency agreed to pay $940,000 to settle a class action law- 
suit charging widespread sexucl discrimination. Jayne says the wamen were right to challenge the CIA's old boys’ network but that 
her personal experience was almost entirely positive. “Yau can be successful there as a woman,” she says, “but it does have its 
challenges. | wanted to pose for PLAYBOY to show that a woman can be professianally capable without sacrificing her sexuality.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


b. 


Jayne recently left the CIA, largely because 
she missed having a social life. "It's hard to 
make ar keep friends because you can't tell 
people what you do for a living. My family 
knew, and two close friends. But with everyone 
else, | sometimes lost track of which lies I'd 


told to whom.” What happens when two CIA 
agents chance to meet ot a party? "They both 
say that they wark for the Stcte Department 
and leave it at that,” Jayne says. "There's nat 
much of a canversatian. If peaple ask about 
yaur job, you try to make it sound very boring.” 


people you don't think work for 
the CIA always do. 

Jayne joined the CIA in 1991 af- 
ter graduating from college with 
degrees in political science and 
Chinese. The agency conducted a 
thorough background check, then 
sent her to Washington, D.C. fora 
year of training. “We would attend 
mock diplomatic parties where we 
role-played, pretending to ap- 
proach potential informants,” she 
recalls. “You could hardly get into 
the bathroom because there were 
SO many trainees in there taking 
notes.” Because recruiting spies 
involves blind introductions, sub- 
tle negotiations and lots of dead 
ends, Jayne compares it to dating. 
“You find someone interesting and 
approach him with a big smile, try- 
ing to catch his interest. Maybe 
you roll your shoulder a bit. I'm 
often seen by men as someone 
they'd like to ger to know, and I 
definitely use that to my advan- 
tage. Once you have their interest, 
you try to charm them so you can 
peel back the layers like an onion. 
You're looking for inherent weak- 
ness, such as greed with motive. 
Maybe they want to send their 
kids to college in the U.S., or they 
have relatives who need expensive 
medical care. Most contacts ended 
up being little nothings, and the 
agency has become more picky 
about who it recruits since the fall 
of the USSR. Nowadays, anyone 
can get a Russian. The best infor- 
mants are people motivated solely 
by a desire to make their country 
a better place to live. One of the 
worst ways to control someone 
would be by offering sexual fa- 
vors—only the South Koreans 
have a reputation for doing that 
anymore." We can still dream, 


can't we? —CHIP ROWE 


INSIDE THE REAL WORLD 
OF THE SUPER BOWL— 
HOOKERS, BOOZE. CASH, 
CUTTHROAT CORPORATIONS— 
THE VERY ESSENCE OF 


MASCULINITY ITSELF 


article 
By Kevin Cook 


ookers love 
the Super Bowl. Thousands of affluent. 
men hit town. Not just beery football 
fans with their faces painted, either. In 
January New Orleans is jammed with 
successful guys who feel like showing 
off, a city full of Charlie Sheens. 

"The typical ticket holder is an execu- 
tive or star salesman on a company- 
paid holiday. After a year of corporate 
war he may want a cocktail. He may 
want to loosen his tie and his wallet, 
roll down his limo window, do a little 
shouting, mayhe even do his part to 
help make Super Bowl week the best 
prostitution week of the year. 

Football fans are “more likely to pay 
for sex” than other sports fans, says a 
veteran of the trade. The World Series 
and NBA finals also boost business, but 
the Super Bowl is king. Some of the 
most expensive sex in New Orleans 
will be “extended service” gigs in lim- 
ousines prowling the French Quarter 
on Super Saturday night. Such ar- 
rangements often last well into Sunday. 
But not all Bowlgoers are satisfied with 
pregame and postgame festivities. Sun- 
day brings a huge demand for callgirls 
at halftime, too. 

“Pimps sec the Super Bowl as a mon- 
eymaking opportunity delivered by 


ILLUSTRATION BY BLAIR ORAWSON 


PLAYBOY 


God," ex-hooker Evelina Giobbe told 
the Minneapolis Star Tribune before Su- 
per Bowl XXVI. That year a local es- 
cort service offered Super Bowl fans a 
ten percent discount. Police handed 
Out JUST SAY NO TO PROSTITUTES fliers in 
Minneapolis hotels. 

Some Bowl fans are too sleepy to say 
no. They are the targets of “Rolex 
girls," hookers who specialize in steal- 
ing men’s watches and other valuables. 
“They ask what time it is so they can 
see if the watch is expensive,” says 
Bloomington, Minnesota vice detective 
Rich Klingeman. Then Rolex girls 
sneak a few knockout drops—or per- 
haps a roofie—into your drink. When 
you wake up, there’s an untanned 
stripe where your Rolex used to be. 

Escort services always spring up in 
the host city. Last year in Tempe, vice 
cops stayed busy keeping an eye on 
them. There were 25 in suburban 
Scottsdale alone. On Van Buren Street 
in Phoenix, hookers openly defied the 
municipal plan for “Super Bowl vice 
suppression.” San Diego had tried to 
limit Super hooking back in 1988, 
when the city swept its curbs clean of 
streetwalkers with a new hooker stop- 
per: 2 $2000 minimum bail for suspect- 
ed prostitutes. The rule expired at 
12:01 a.m. on February 1, the day after 
the Super Bowl. 

But nothing stops the sexual holiday. 
Just ask Los Angeles promoter Al Bow- 
man. “Al the Limo Man” is now execu- 
tive producer of the Los Angeles Music 
Awards, but in his days with Funtime 
Limousine, Bowman saw football and 
sex intersect in interesting ways. “I 
used to drive some of the Raiders. That 
was good duty,” he says. "You're get- 
ting paid to sit in a nightclub. Later on 
the players come out with some girl 
and you wait while they hump in the 
backseat.” 

Bowman's favorite Super Sunday be- 
gan at a Los Angeles Airport hotel dur- 
ing Super Bowl XVII. “I picked up a 
guy from Florida, big football fan. A 
big money man. Looking for fun, look- 
ing for girls.” The man directed Bow- 
man to a chic bistro where “he baited 
girls with cash. He would send me over 
to the babes and I would recruit them: 
"Ladies, that gentleman over there is a 
very generous man.’ I'd bring the girls 
over, he'd pull out a wad of bills, maybe 
$15,000, and pay for the food. Crab 
legs and tiger shrimp cocktails. Then it 
was a merry bandwagon in the limo.” 

The first two women called a friend 
to hop on the bandwagon; that made it 
a postgame party of five as Bowman 
drove from Pasadena to Palm Springs, 
where the fest continued. “The guy 
was doing two-on-ones, getting blow 
jobs, and he’s still pissed about the 


money he lost on the game. I told him 
that he should cheer up.” 


THE 100-YARD BONER 


How can a football game, even our 
annual multimedia kitsch nuke of a 
game, make American men hornier? 
Auto racing is macho, yet the Indy 500 
is no sexual Super Bowl. Boxing is 
manly, but even the best heavyweight 
fights seldom ripple the sex trade out- 
side Nevada. According to one sports- 
caster, "The Super Bowl is like a thou- 
sand Mike Tyson fights rolled into 
one.” 

Maybe football's sex effects derive 
from its 100 percent maleness. Women 
drive race cars today. Tyson has under- 
gone sensitivity counseling. But the 
very notion of a "feminine side to the 
Super Bowl” is a contradiction, a Super 
oxymoron such as “inspirational break- 
fast” or "Vikings! chances.” Pro foot- 
ball, wrote anthropologist William 
Arens, is "violence acted out in a tacti- 
cal and sophisticated context. The uni- 
forms symbolize exaggerated mas- 
culinity—wide shoulders, enlarged 
heads, tight pants accented by a metal 
codpiece.” 

A scholar such as Arens would be 
chased from the locker room, but the 
doctor is right. The Super Bowl, more 
than any other event, is the arena in 
which American ideas of manhood 
fight it out. 

Super Bowl equals 31 testosterone 
festivals. The week proceeds through 
Super Friday and Super Saturday like 
a pagan pageant, with one major im- 
provement: Instead of virgins we have 
the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. Su- 
per Week culminates in a brief, sweaty, 
men-only form of combat that every- 
body must watch. 

Sound familiar? In fact, there have 
always been such contests. Medieval 
knights displayed their masculinity in 
jousts. American Indians ran the gant- 
let. Some African tribesmen still prove 
themselves by killing lions face-to-face. 

Today, of course, our heroes kill the 
Lions in the regular season. And by 
January, with a billion people watching 
worldwide, there is more than any one 
man’s masculinity at stake. For in a 
sense the game is about our collective 
masculinity, our huge national balls. Ir 
is our annual chance to update one an- 
other and the world on the state of 
American manhood. 

Like most great developments, this 
Bowl-ball partnership was an accident. 
NFL football and TV-driven pop cul- 
ture just happened to take over the 
world together. 

In 1967, the year of the first Super 
Bowl, pro football was still a minor 
sport. Baseball was much bigger. Vince 
Lombardi's Green Bay Packers were 


an NFL dynasty, but many of the play- 
ers were moonlighting car salesmen 
or insurance men. In lifestyles and 
earning power they resembled Army 
sergeants more than today's wealthy 
touchdown dancers. And their field 
leader was Bart Starr, role model of my 
youth. Starr was so tight-lipped it was 
said he opened his mouth only to call 
signals. 

It is far more than 100 yards from 
Bart Starr to the media manhood 
of gangsta-rapping, crotch-grabbing 
celebrities. To see how far we've come, 
try picturing diamond-studded Deion 
Sanders and his tight leather under- 
pants in Vince Lombardi's locker 
room. 

The Packers would have thought 
Sanders was an alien. And Prime Time, 
who once bragged to me that he was 
sexually active at 11 years old, would 
have seen Starr, Lombardi & Co. the 
same way: aliens from the planet of 
constipated white guys. 

How did male style change so much 
in 30 years? 

Thé answer: Joc Namath. 


I CANT WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW... NIGHT 


The first Super Bowl wasn't sexy. It 
wasn't even Super. Catchily called the 
American Football League—National 
Football League Championship Game, 
it was all anticlimax. Fans figured the 
big game had already happened: 
Green Bay over Dallas for the NFL ti- 
de. Thus the national yawn greeting 
the Packers’ January 1967 exhibition 
against the champs of the upstart AFL, 
guys called the Kansas City Chiefs. 

Tickets went for six dollars. Pregame 
festivities featured the release of 4000 
pigeons over the Los Angeles Colise- 
um, where there were 62,000 fans and 
38,000 empty seats. With Starr starring 
and Lombardi cracking discipline’s 
whip over his men’s crewcut heads, 
Green Bay dismantled the Chiefs. No- 
body was shocked when a Chiefs de- 
fender, trying to tackle a Packer, fell 
down unconscious. 

After Bowl II, another Packer victory 
a year later, Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt 
had a brainstorm. His daughter had a 
Super Ball, a high-hopping fad toy of 
the day. “Let's call this thing the Super 
Bowl,” Hunt said. Commissioner Pete 
Rozelle snickered, but the name stuck. 
The NFL, which would merge with the 
AFL in 1970, had a jazzy name for 
the game tens of fans loved. Now all 
the owners had to worry about was this 
horny hippie Joe Namath. 

Namath was no conformist. The 
whip-armed New York Jets quarter- 
back wore girlish white shoes. He 
talked back to coaches. He sported 
pantyhose in funny ads, even wore 

(continued on page 164) 


"Stanley! You've stopped mingling." 


PraAvBov's History Or THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION 


d ol 


RART II 


ТЬ @) aL (011 9) 11 Y) 


HEY ARE everywhere. Girls run to catch trolleys. 
Your stenographer is a looker, the telephone 
operator has a voice that haunts your dreams. 
The woman who sold you a ready-made suit is 
a vision, You walk past girls standing in line at 
the movie theater to see larger-than-life hero- 
ines: the Vitagraph Girl, the Biograph Girl, the World's 
Most Perfectly Formed Woman. And, if you have the 
price of admission, a late-night trip to Florenz Ziegfeld's 
Follies will allow you to feast your eyes on the Follies 
Girls—a band of impossibly plumaged dancers culled 


from more than 15,000 applicants, Darwinian selection 
at its finest, all effort focused on finding and glorifying 
the American woman. 

The Victorian world had been wearing blinders— 
now the erotic is everywhere. In a storefront window, 
a bold proprietor offers copies of the painting Septem- 
ber Morn—in spite of vice crusader Anthony Comstock's 


Artist J.C. Leyendecker captured the formal beauty of the 
sacial elite in ads for Arraw shirts (above). But a new Ameri- 
can waman was emerging, catching the eye of the world. 


ILLUSTRATION BY WILSON MCLEAN 


70 


Marcel Duchamp's Nude Descending a Staircase (above left) was the talk of the 1913 Armory Show. That same year Anthony Comstock 
expressed displeasure at o reproduction of Paul Chabas’ September Morn (above). Women's sexuality was in the oper—whether it was an 
ad for Woodbury's soap (below left) or a publicity photo for Theda Baro's debut as a vamp, a sexual predator who feeds on men (below). 


attempt to suppress the delightful nymph. Fresh-faced maidens ap- 
pear in ads for White Rock soda, Ivory soap and the Packard auto- 
mobile. There are eye-catching women on calendars, on magazine 
covers, on movic posters, on sheet music—millions of images flooding 
millions ofhomes. It isa world filled with appealing possibilities. 
Upon arriving in New York, a young Peruvian artist named Alber 
to Vargas spends days walking the strects, “taking in the sights and 
sounds and all the electricity in the air.” According to a biographer, 
“What excited him most were the American women. They were not 
shy and demure like the Latin women back home in Arequipa, They 
were not stolid and fleshy like the women in Geneva. They were not 
coy and coquettish like the women he had seen in Paris. No, to his 


GOOD TIME. AW AUT 
To HAVE A GO Fe gy, pe E 


The chenging imege of women 
produced a moral panic. Books on 
the white-slove trade (left) gove 
one picture of commercial sex 
The intimate portraits of pro: 
tutes in New Orleans’ red-light 
district, Storyville, by E.J. Bellocq 
(upper left) offered o different 
view. Women were deserting the 
family home—for joyrides ond 
escopades in automobiles, ond 
for gainful employment in the city (postcords ot 
right). Dating moved from the front porch to the 
bockseot; sex staked out the lyrical high ground 
in songs of the doy. Sheet music covers revealed 
the dangers of married odults having affairs, the 
downside of automobile courtship and the new lo- 
cation for romantic interludes (below, left to right) 


ШИ ЕЕ ev tive ТО GET UNDER 


DONTRIENTION MT: NANIE GET QUT AND GET UNDER 


MAURICE. Asranars 


eyes, American women 
seemed unique. Hc liked 
their jaunty stride, their 
openness, their air of in- 
| dependence and their 
look of healthy, uncompli- 
cated sensuality. ‘From 
every building came tor- 
rents of girls? he would 
later recall. “1 had never 
seen anything like it. 
Hundreds of girls with an air of self-assuredness 
and determination that said, Here 1 am, how 
do you like me?” 
Against his father’s wishes, Vargas de- 
cides to stay in America and to take up 
painting. 


Anaspiring young writer named F. Scott Fitzger- 
ald notes that the precious daughters of America 
have a new attitude: They can be seen, he writes, 


Mack Sennett Bathing Beauties (tap) fralicked in 
lighthearted innocence while thousands af suf- 
frageties marched for the vate. Three postcards 
shaw different reactions ta the evolving woman. 
World War One saw women maving into the 
workplace (above) in greater numbers, if nat in 
greater seriousness. Edwardian artist Raphael 
Kircher showed a waman emerging from a 
duck’s egg, noting that war changed proper 
wamen into patriats willing to play for ће mo- 
ment. Others feared that the prudish matrans of 
the Wamen’s Christian Temperance Union {lefi} 
wauld end mankind's fun far all time. But the 
war had an unexpected cansequence, exposing 
men to distinctly Eurapean views of pleasure and 
distinctly American lectures an sexual peril (right). 


WHEN WOMEN GET THEIR RIGHTS 


ILLUSTRATION BY TIN O'BRIEN 


PLAYBOY 


74 


"eating three-o'clock after-dance sup- 
pers in impossible cafés, talking of 
every side of life with an air half of 
earnestness, half of mockery, yet with a 
furtive excitement." Mostly they talk 
about sex. The conspiracy of silence is 
shattered. The editors of Current Opin- 
ion declare August 1913 that it is 
“sex o'clock” in America: 

“А wave of sex hysteria and sex dis- 
cussion seems to have invaded this 
country, Our former reticence on mat- 
ters of sex is giving way to a frankness 
that would startle even Paris.” 

Another writer, describing coming of 
age in this era, will remember fondly 
that “young women all over the coun- 
wy were reading Freud and auempting 
to lose their inhibitions.” Young men 
dream of working in New York, of tak- 
ing one of these new creatures as a 
mistress. 

Emancipated women are the topic of 
the day. As women shed their shackles, 
will they become more like men? 
Equality means more than access to 
power; it means access to pleasure. Will 
women demand the right to sow their 
own wild oats? 

There are women in the streets by 
the thousands, suffragettes marching 
for the right to vote. There are women 
on soapboxes, women walking shoul- 
der-to-shoulder with labor leaders, 
women in picker lines, women publish- 
ing literary magazines and anarchi 
manifestos. 

Until this decade it had been a man's 
world. Now, the New Woman has ar- 
rived. The dance begins. 


THE DEVILS DANCEHALL 


In the heart of the city is a dancehall. 
Young men and women swirl through 
the tango, the hesitation waltz and “an- 
imal dances” such as the turkey trot, 
the grizzly bear, the monkey glide and 
the bunny hug. The dancehalls make 
visible the erotic, while the band plays 
Everybody's Doin’ It Now. 

When Irving Berlin pens a syncopat- 
ed dance tune called Alexander's Rag- 
time Band, more than 1 million copies 
of the sheet music are sold within the 
year. The rhythms that filled the broth- 
els of New Orleans have become a part 
of mainstream America. 

“These dances,” opines one journal- 
ist, “are a reversion to the grossest 
practices of savage man. They are 
based on the primitive motive of orgies 
enjoyed by the aboriginal inhabitants 
of every uncivilized land." 

. 


Consider this description by a for- 
mer dance master converted to Chris- 
tianity. In From the Ballroom to Hell, Tom 
Faulkner writes 


It is her first experience in the 
arms of a strange man, with his 
limbs and body pressed to hers, 
and in her natural modesty, she 
shrinks from so familiar a touch. It 
brings a bright flush of indigna- 
tion to her cheek as she thinks, 
What an unladylike and indecent 
position to assume with a man 
who, but a few hours before, was 
an utter stranger. . . . Thus accept- 
ing the situation she yields her 
body to those sex excitements 
caused by movements so artfully 
executed by the well-trained 
dancer in these arts. She soon 
learns the secret, the charm, the 
cause and craze, experiencing sex 
awakening for the first time. Be- 
coming abnormally developed in 
her lower nature, she is now start- 
ed on the very high seas of the 
mad whirl of physical desire. 


She will soon meet her ruin, after the 
last waltz: 


Let us look at the fair young girl 
once more—close in the embrace 
of the Apollo of the evening. With 
head resting on his shoulder, face 
upturned to his, her bare arms 
around his neck—with partly 
nude swelling breasts heaving tu- 
multuously against his, face-to- 
face they glide, their limbs inter- 
woven, with his strong right arm 
around her yielding form he 
presses her to him until every 
curve in the contour of her body 
thrills with amorous contact. 


Afier the dance: 


The girl, whose blood is hot 
from the exertion and whose 
every carnal sense is aroused and 
aflame by the repetition of such 
scenes as we have witnessed, is led 
to the ever-waiting automobile, 
where she sinks exhausted on the 
cushioned seat. Now is his golden 
opportunity. He must not miss it 
and he does not, and that beauti- 
ful girl who entered the dancing 
school as pure and innocent as ап 
angel three months ago returns to 
her home that night robbed of that 
most precious jewel of woman- 
hood—virtue! 


The dance craze, which began at the 
end of the previous decade, has its own 
celebrities. Vernon and Irene Castle— 
known for their elegant sensuality— 
change the way America moves, the 
way it dresses. Gone forever are the 
bustle and the corset. Theirs is a world 
of silk. 

Something this fun, this frenzied, 
would inevitably attract the attention of 
puritan politicians and reformers. 


In 1916 the Illinois Senate Vice 
Committee holds hearings on the dan- 
gers of dancehalls. After questioning 
the female partner of a dance team, 
and having his offer of protection 
turned down, Chairman O'Hara tries 
to get at the root of evil: 

“Now, as a matter of fact, don’t you 
wrap yourself up with this young wom- 
an almost as though you were one and 
glide together?" 

"At times we do, but only at certain 
parts of our dancing. We have done 
certain things, but I do not consider 
that they are bad, because I object to 
anything that is licentious. I don't ap- 
prove of it. I am a dancing teacher my- 
self, and I don't sec any good in inde- 
cent dancing." 

"Then the committee calls a witness, 
a teacher of art named Maude 
Josaphare: 

“Describe the dances you saw.” 

“The third dance was what 1 should 
call the tango. It was danced with a 
man. 1 have seen one there in the 
slums in New York. In the modern tan- 
go the man picks the girl up and 
throws her around, bends over to the 
floor that way, rests his arms on her 
arms and his head on her shoulder and 
vice versa." 

"Isit art or suggestive?" 

“I don't think there is any art in that, 
1 think it is very suggestive, the kind of 
suggestiveness that may confuse in the 
mind ofa young girl.” 


THE POLITICS OF PRUDERY 


The Illinois Senate Vice Committee 
was not an isolated example of political 
lunacy. Investigators spent hours delv- 
ing into the meaning of song lyrics (a 
ditty called All Night Long presented an 
unusual threat) or the nature of cos- 
tumes worn in a harem dance because 
these were of great concern to the sons 
and daughters of our Puritan forefa- 
thers. The New Woman challenged the 
old order, the great design of puritan 
America. 

Fifteen years earlier a minister had 
summed up the optimistic mood of the 
U.S.: "Laws are becoming more just, 
rulers humane; music is becoming 
sweeter and books wiser; homes are 
happier and the individual heart be- 
coming at once more just and more 
gentle. For today, art, industry, inven- 
tion, literature, learning and govern- 
ment—all these are captives marching 
in Christ's triumphant procession up 
the hill of fame.” 

Now the vision was coming apart. 
The old order rallied its forces. An ob- 
session with vice created a coalition of 
women's groups and male reformers. 
Both believed that a woman's place was 
in the home, that purity was a virtue, 

(continued on page 104) 


| X8. 7 


"Did you ring ир а call girl, dear?" 


Y 


76 


HE FIRST time Ken678 saw 
Mary97, he was in Munici- 
pal Real Estate, queued for 
a pickup for Closings. She 
stood two spaces in front 
of him: blue skirt, orange 
tie, slightly convex white 
blouse, like every other fe- 
male icon. He didn't know 
she was a Mary; he couldn't 
see which face she had. But 
she held her Folder in both hands, as 
old-timers often did, and when the 
queue scrolled forward he saw her 
fingernails. 

They were red. 

Just then the queue flickered and 
scrolled again, and she was gone. Ken 
was intrigued, but he promptly forgot 
about her. It was a busy time of year, 
and he was running like crazy from 
Call to Task. Later that week he saw 
her again, paused at an open Window 
in the Corridor between Copy and 
Send. He slowed as he passed her, by 
turning his Folder sideways—a trick he 
had learned. There were those red 
fingernails again. It was curious. 

Fingernails were not on the Option 
Menu. 

Red was not on the Color Menu, 
either. 

б 


Ken used the weekend to visit his 
mother at the Home. It was her birth- 
day or anniversary or something like 
that. Ken hated weekends. He had 
grown used to his Ken face and felt un- 
comfortable without it. He hated his 
old name, which his mother insisted 
on calling him. He hated how grim 
and terrifying things were outside. To 
avoid panic he closed his eyes and 
hummed—out here, he could do 
both—trying to simulate the peaceful 
hum of the Office. 

But there is no substitute for the real 
thing, and Ken didn’t relax until the 
week restarted and he was back inside. 
He loved the soft electron buzz of the 
search engines, the busy streaming 
icons, the dull butter shine of the Cor- 
ridors, the shimmering Windows with 
their relaxing scenes of the exviron- 
ment. He loved his life and he loved 
his work. 

That was the weck he met Mary—or 
rather, she met him. 


Ken678 bad just retrieved a Folder 
ofdocuments from Search and was tak- 
ing it to Print. He could see by the blur 
of icons ahead that there was going to 
be a long queue at the Bus leaving 
Commercial, so he paused in the Cor- 
ridor; waitstates were encouraged in 
high traffic zones. 

He opened a Window by resting his 


„OFFICE 


ROMANCE 


can love blossom in the cool, impersonal office of 
the future? only if you believe in 
programming glitches—and the easter bunny 


fiction By TERRY BISSON 


Folder on the sill. There was no air, of 
course, but there was a nice view. The 
scene was the same in every Window in 
Microserf Office 6.9: cobblestones and 
quiet cafés and chestnut trees in bloom. 
April in Paris. 

Ken heard a voice. 

« Beautiful, isn’t it?> 

«What?» he said, confused. Two 
icons couldn't open the same dow, 
and yet there she was beside him. Red 
fingernails and all. 

<April in Paris,» she said. 

<1 know. But how— > 

<A little trick I learned.> She point- 
ed to her Folder, stacked on top of his, 
flush right. 

«— —did you do that?» he finished 
because it was in his buffer. She had the 
Mary face, which, it so happened, was 
his favorite. And the red fingernail 

«When they are flush right the Wi 
dow reads us as one icon,» she said 

«Probably reads only the right 
edge,» Ken said. <Neat. > 

<The name’s Mary» she said 
<Mary97.> 

<Ken678.> 

<You slowed when you passed me 
last week, Ken. Neat trick, too. 1 figure 
that made you almost worth an intro. 
Most of the workaholics here in City 
Hall are pretty unsociable.> 

Ken showed her his Folder trick 
even though she seemed to know it 
already. 

<How long have you been at City?> 
he asked. 

<Too long. 

«How come I have never seen you 
before? 

«Maybe you saw me but didn’t no- 
tice me,> she said. She held upa hand 
with red fingernails. «1 didn't always 
have these. > 

<Where'd you get them? 

<1Сз a secret.> 

«They're pretty neat,> Ken said. 

«Is that pretty or neat?> 


ILLUSTRATION EY STEVEN GUARNACCIA 


<Both.> 

<Are you flirting with me?> she 
asked, smiling that Mary smile. 

Ken tried to think of an answer, but 
he was too slow. Her Folder was blink- 
ing, a waitstate interrupt, and she was 
gone. 

e 


A few cycles later in the week he saw 
her again, paused at an open Window 
in the Corridor between Copy and Ver- 
ify. He slid his Folder over hers, flush 
right, and he was standing beside her, 
looking out into April in Paris. 

<You learn fast,> she said. 

<I have a good teacher,» he said. 
Then he said what he had been re- 
hearsing over and over: <And what if 
I was?> 

<Was what?> 

<Flirting.> 

<That would be OK,> she said, 
smiling the Mary smile. 

Ken678 wished for the first time that 
the Ken face had a smile. His Folder 
was flickering, but he didn't want to 
leave yet. «How long have you been at 
City?» he asked again. 

<Forever,> she said. She was exag- 
gerating, of course, but in a sense it was 
true. She told Ken she had been at City 
Hall when Microserf Office 6.9 was in- 
stalled. <Before Office, records were 
stored in a basement, in metal drawers, 
and accessed by hand. I helped put it 
all on disk. Data entry, it was called.> 

<Entry2> 

<This was before the neural inter- 
face. We sat oulside and reached in 
through a Keyboard and looked in 
through a sort of window that they 
called a Monitor. There was nobody 
in Office. Just pictures of files and 
stuff, There was no April in Paris, of 
course. That was added later to pre- 
vent claustrophobia. > 

Ken678 calculated in his head. How 
old did that make Mary—55? 60? It 


PIL KIT BE OTY, 


78 


didn't matter. All icons are young, and 
all females are beautiful. 


Ken had never had a friend before, 
in or out of the Office. Much less a girl- 
friend. He found himself hurrying his 
Calls and Tasks so he could cruise the 
Corridors looking for Mary97. He 
could usually find her at an open Win- 
dow, gazing at the cobblestones and the 
little cafés, the blooming chestnut 
trees. Mary loved April in Paris. «It's 
so romantic there,> she said. «Can't 
you just imagine yourself walking 
down the boulevard?> 

<I guess,> Ken said. But in fact he 
couldn't. He didn't like to imagine 
things. He preferred real life, or at 
least Microserf Office 6.9. He loved 
standing at the Window beside her, lis- 
tening to her soft Mary voice, answer- 
ing in his deep Ken voice. 

<How did you get here?> she 
asked. Ken told her he had been hired 
as a temp, transporting scanned-in 
midcentury documents up the long 
stairway from Archives to Active. 

<My name wasn't Ken then, of 
course,> he said. <All the temp icons 
wore gray, male and female alike. We 
were neural-interfaced through hel- 
mets instead of earrings. None of the 
regular Office workers spoke to us, or 
even noticed us. We worked 14-, 15-су- 
cle days.> 

«And you loved it,> Mary said 

<I loved it,> Ken admitted. <1 
found what I was looking for. 1 loved 
being inside.> And he told her how 
wonderful and strange it had felt, at 
first, to be an icon; to see himself as he 
walked around, as if he were both in- 
side and outside his own body. 

«Of course, it seems normal now,> 
he sai 

«It is,> Mary said. And she smiled 
that Mary smile. 

б 


Several wecks passed before Ken got 
up the courage to make what he 
thought of as “his move.” 

They were at the Window where he 
had first spoken with her, in the Corri- 
dor between Copy and Verify. Her 
hand was resting on the sill, red fin- 
gernails shimmering, and he put his 
hand exactly over it. Even though he 
couldn't actually feel it, it felt good. 

He was afraid she would move her 
hand, but instead she smiled that Mary 
smile and said, <I didn't think you 
were ever going to do that. 

<I've been wanting to since 1 first 
saw you,> he said. 

She moved her fingers under his. It 
almost tingled. <Want to see what 
makes them red?> 

<You mean your secret?> 


«Ivll be our secret. You know the 
Browser between Deeds and Taxes? 
Meet me there in three cycles.> 

. 


The Browser was a circular connec- 
tor with no Windows. Ken met Mary at 
Select All and followed her toward In- 
sert, where the doors got smaller and 
closer together. 

«Ever hear of an Easter Egg?» she 
asked. 

«Sure,» Ken said. «A program- 
mer's surprise that is hidden in the 
software. Àn unauthorized subroutine 
that’s not in the manual. Sometimes 
humorous or even obscene. Easter 
Eggs are routinely —> 

<You're just repeating what you 
learned in Orientation,> Mary said. 

«— —found and cleared from com- 
mercial software by background De- 
buggers and Optimizers.> Ken fin- 
ished because it was already in his 
buffer. 

«But that's OK, she said. «Here 
we are.> 

Mary97 led. him into a small Win- 
dowless room. There was nothing in it 
but a tiny, heart-shaped table. 

«This room was erased but never 
overwritten,> Mary «The Opti- 
mizer must have missed it. That's why 
the Faster Egg is still here. 1 discovered 
it hy accident > 

On the table were three playing 
cards. Two were facedown and one was 
faceup: the ten of diamonds. 

<Ready?> Without waiting for 
Ken's answer, Mary turned the ten of 
diamonds facedown. Her fingernails 
were no longer red. 

Now you try it,> she said. 

Ken backed away. 

«Don't get nervous. This card does 
not do anything; it just changes the 
Option. Co ahead!> 

Reluctantly, Ken turned up the ten 
of diamonds. 

Mary's fingernails were red again. 
Nothing happencd to his own- 

<That first card works just for 
girls, Mary said. 

<Neat,> Ken said, relaxing a little. 

«There's plenty more, Mary s 
«Ready? 

«I guess. 

Mary turned up the second card. It 
was the queen of hearts. As soon zs she 
turned it up, Ken heard a clippety-clop, 
and a Window opened in the Window- 
less room. 

In the Window it was April in Paris. 

Ken saw a gray horse coming 
straight down the center of the boule- 
vard. It wore no harness, but its tail 
and mane were bobbed. Its enormous 
red penis was almost dragging the 
cobblestones. 

«See the horse?» Mary97 said. She 


was standing beside Ken at the Win- 
dow. Her convex white blouse and or- 
ange tie both were gone. She was wear- 
ing a red lace brassiere. The sheer cups 
were full. The narrow straps were taut. 
The tops of her plump breasts were 
round and bright as moons. 

Ken678 couldn't move or speak. It 
was terrifying and wonderful at the 
same time. Mary's hands were behind 
her back, unfastening her brassiere. 
There! But just as the cups started 
to fall away from her breasts, a whis- 
tle blew. 

The horse had stopped in the mid- 
dle of the boulevard. A gendarme was 
running toward it, waving a stick. 

The Window closed. Mary97 was 
standing at the table, wearing her con- 
vex white blouse and orange tie again. 
Only the ten of diamonds was faceup. 

<You turned the card down too 
scon,> Ken said. He had wanted to see 
her nipples. 

<The queen turns herself down,> 
Mary said. <An Faster Egg is a closed 
algorithm. Runs itself once it gets start- 
ed. Did you like it? And don’t say you 
guess.> 

She smiled that Mary smile and Ken 
tried to think of what to say. But both 
their Folders were blinking, waitstate 
interrupts, and she was gone. 

б 


Ken found her а couple cycles later 
at their usual meeting place, at the 
open Window in the Corridor between. 
Copy and Verify. 

«Like it?» he said. <I loved it.» 

<Are you flirting with me?> Mary97 
asked. 

<What if I am?» he said, and the fa- 
miliar words were almost as good as 
a smile. 

«Then come with me.> 


Ken678 followed Mary97 to the 
Browser twice more that weck. Each 
time was the same; cach time was per- 
fect. As soon as Mary turned over the 
queen of hearts, Ken heard a clippety- 
clop. A Window opened in the Win- 
dowless room and there was the horse 
again, coming down the boulevard, its 
enormous penis almost dragging the 
cobblestones. Mary97's ripe, round, 
perfect breasts were spilling over the 
top of her red lace brassiere as she said, 
<See the horse?> and reached behind 
her back, unfastening—— 
Unfastening her bra! And just as the 
cups started to fall away, just as Ken678 
was about to see her nipples, a gen- 
darme's whistle blew and Mary97 was 
wearing the white blouse again and the 
orange tie. The Window was closed, 
the queen of hearts facedown. 
(continued on page 158) 


T rir Way You Wear Your 


snap the brim and 
button up. fedoras 
and overcoats are 


back in style 


Arricue Br MICHAEL WALSH 


rrrrr! The weather outside 
may be frightful, but there Р N 
was a time not so long 


7 ago when the average guy 
777 wouldn't have cared a fig. a 
Just take a look at any photograph tak- 

en between 1920 and 1945, or watch 
any movie from the period, and check 
out the fellows. Resplendent in their 
tailored double-breasted suits, elegant 
mohair overcoats and wool mufflers 
and topped by the piéces de résis- 
tance, glorious Borsalinos, they were 
ready for anything, come rain or come 
shine. Whether strolling down the 
street, taking in a ball game or just sit- 
ting in a bar, no self-respecting man 
would have been caught dead without 
his hat. It may have been Fifth Av- 
enue, Soldier Field or some nameless 
drinking establishment on Short Vin- 
cent in Cleveland, but the men would 
not bave looked out of place at the 
Stork Club, the Brown Derby or 
Carnegie (text concluded on page 84) 


Right: That's not Sinatra’s famous h 
in the spotlight. It's a classic fedoi 
with а grosgrain band, by Makins ( 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


ockets (5895) with 
banded fedora by 


The wrap coat is a roomy 
style with a belt that's tied 
rather than buckled. We 
like the double-breasted 
version shown here in a 
blend of alpaca, cashmere 
and camel hair, by 
Ermenegildo Zegna 
($2300), worn with another 
fedora by Makins ($165). 
Under the wrap coat is а 
pointed-collar shirt ($95) 
and a silk tie ($90), both by 
Boss Hugo Boss. (Her dress 
is by Elizabeth Fillmore and 
her hat is by Eric Javitz.) 


ап coats are al- 
'single-breasted and 
cul full with raglan sleeves. 
This textured-wool fly-front 
‚style by Allegri ($850) is 
layered over a wool sports 
jacket (5395) and a striped 
cotton shirt with a snop- 
down collar ($90), both by 
Perry Ellis. The iridescent 
silk tie is by Joseph Abboud 

($80). The fedora is Ьу: 
Worth & Worth ($160). (Her 
dress is by Elizabeth Fill- 
more and.her shoes are 

by Walter Steiger.) ` 


The ish warmer is tradi- 
fionally double-breasted 
with flap pockets. It's often 
camel-colored—this win- 
ter's hot hue. Pictured here: 
Luciano Barbera's six-but- 
ton (two-to-button) model 
(52850), plus a fedora by 
Worth & Worth ($160). Un- 
derneath is a three-piece 
flannel suit from Baldes- 
sarini Hugo Boss ($1300), a 
corduroy shirt by Empo! 
Armani ($240) and a silk tie 
by Etro ($85). (Her dress is 
by Elizabeth Fillmore.) 


WOMEN'S STYLING BY LISA VONWEISE 
FOR MAREK & ASSOCIATES: 


HAIRAND MAKEUP BY CARETH GREEN 
FOR ZOLI ILLUSIONS 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 169. 


PLAYBOY 


Hall. Those were the days. 

What's missing from the picture, of 
course, are the bcer-fucled, backward- 
bascball-cap-wearing, obscenity-spew- 
ing masses that throng our public 
places today. Sure, the tightly buttoned 
suits and the full-length overcoats 
stand out—what an improvement оп 
the polyester windbreakers worn over 
the polo shirts and Sansabelt slacks that 
pollute our byways now—but what 
really stand out are the chapeaus. 
Whether with fedoras, homburgs or 
simple cloth caps, the male noggin was 
both sheltered from the elements and 
adorned with a handsome article of 
dothing that framed the face and gave 
it character. And that, my friends, is 
something sadly lacking in our sartori- 
ally challenged, dress-down-Friday so- 
ciety today. We have become a nation 
of slobs, and proud of it. 

During America’s golden age of fash- 
ion—roughly, the period between the 
two World Wars—a man took as much 
care in his appearance as a woman did 
in hers. A hat was as much a part of his 
wardrobe as a shirt or trousers, and a 
well-dressed man would no more ven- 
ture outdoors without a hat than he 
would without his pants. 

In the good old days, a man wore his 
hat practically every moment he was in 
public: leaving home, on the street, in 
the car. on the subway. into the office 
building, in the elevator and right into 
his private office. Only then did a fel- 
low lift his lid, hanging it on a peg or 
laying it carefully on a flat surface up- 
side down, so the brim would nor get 
warped. Generally, you wore your hat 
with the brim pulled down low and 
cocked slightly to the left or to the 
right. When relaxing with a couple of 
stiffones, it was permissible to push the 
hat higher on your forehead, impart- 
ing a more casual air. Unless ladies 
were present, men wore their hats 
while drinking in bars and playing in 
pool halls. Restaurants were another 
matter, of course, and a gentleman al- 
ways tipped his hat to a lady when 
meeting on the street or removed it al- 
together in the privacy of her boudoir. 
The basic rule: You kept your hat on 
nearly as long as you did your pants. 

"There's also the undeniable frisson 
one gets when dressed to kill. The big 
shots of the Twenties and Thirties—Al 
Capone, Lucky Luciano, Meyer Lan- 
sky—wore hats to ornament their dou- 
ble-breasted or three-piece suits, the 
only kind a decently attired man 
should sport. One of the most celebrat- 
ed hats in history belonged to one of 
Dutch Schultz gunmen, who was shot 
at the Palace Chop House in Newark, 
New Jersey in 1935. In a photo taken 
immediately after the hit, the mortal- 
ly wounded gunman is slumped in a 


chair, his forehead resting on a blood- 
stained tablecloth. His hat has come off 
and is perched straight up between his 
head and a water glass. That was one 
tough hat. 

It's my theory that one of the reasons 
hats began to disappear was the stylistic 
devolution from the wide-brimmed fe- 
doras and Borsalinos of the Thirties 
and Forties to the narrower-brimmed 
hats of the Fifties that culminated in 
the ugly porkpie (think of Gene Hack- 
man in The French Connection). It was 
left to John F. Kennedy to deal the 
once-proud American hat a mercy 
killing when he stood on the snowy 
steps of the Capitol and took the oath 
of office with his hair blowing in the 
wind. His youth and vigor contrasted 
mightily with the tired, hatted old 
men—Ike, poet Robert Frost and Chief 
pas Earl Warren—who surrounded 

im. Maybe Rose never told her son 
he'd catch cold if he went out in the 
winter without his hat, bur it didn't 
matter: A star—and a style—was born. 

It's easy now to deride the archetyp- 
al IBM organization man in his gray 
flannel suit, standard-issue white shirt 
and Father Knows Best fedora as a hope- 
less, uptight suburban square. But 
Robert Young is not our ideal here; 
far better to take those twin symbols 
of rugged sophistication, Humphrey 
Bogart and Jimmy Cagney. as role 
models. Pulling on a double whiskey 
and packing heat, Bogey and Jimmy 
defined elegant virility. In movies such 
as The Maltese Falcon, The Big Sleep, The 
Roaring Twenties, White Heat, Public Ene- 
my and Angels With Dirty Faces, they not 
only showed us how to act and how to 
dress but also how to act while dressed. 

"Take the scene in The Big Sleep where 
Bogey, as private dick Philip Marlowe, 
gets beaten up in an alley by a couple of 
thugs. One of the bad guys takes off 
Bogeys hat and then punches him 
through it so he won't hurt his hand. A 
man capable of such callous indiffer- 
ence toa fine piece of fur felt is capable 
of any outrage. Luckily, Elisha Cook Jr. 
is lurking nearby and helps Bogey to 
his feet. Bogart is still smarting from a 
punch in the nose and a couple of shots 
to the kidneys, but his first words are 
not about his physical condition. In- 
stead they are: “Get my hat.” Bogart 
puts his hat back on, straightens his tie, 
dusts himself off and goes to get a 
drink, which is the only medical auen- 
tion he requires. 

A hat is at once a measure of a man's 
worth (a well-made beaver-and-rabbit- 
fur hat will run you $150 to $200) and 
an indication of how he assesses him- 
self. Worn with a suit of comparable 
quality—never with a sports coat or 
jeans—a hat completes an ensemble 
and signals the world to beware: A man 


worthy of respect is on his way. Walk 
into any finc restaurant appropriately 
attired and watch the maitre d' snap to 
attention. On the street, men will envy 
your self-confidence 

Ahatis also an indispensable prop in 
the wooing of a woman. It gets you im- 
mediate attention when you walk intoa 
bar, for you are likely to be the only 
properly dressed gentleman in the 
place. A man in a hat will never hear 
the bartender snicker when he takes an 
order for a double Glenmorangie 16- 
year-old straight up, and a lady can on- 
ly beam in admiration as you noncha- 
lantly toss it back and order a refill for 
both of you. And what could be sexier, 
once the necessary amenities have been 
observed, than a beautiful lady wearing 
your hat, and nothing else? Try that 
with a White Sox cap. 

Haberdashers report that the hat has 
been making a small comeback ever 
since Harrison Ford cracked his whip 
in Raiders of the Lost Ark. But it's still 
hard to find the genuine article, even 
in the best department stores. 1 have 
mine custom-made at Paul's Hat Works 
in San Francisco. If enough of us de- 
mand them, decent hats will be back 
soon enough. 

“A hat has the effect of making the 
human head a kind of residence,” 
writes essayist Lance Morrow. “It gives 
the brain a dome and porch roof. and a 
strange little portable sense of place. 
Wearing a hat is also like having the 
FBI set you up with a new identity in a 
different city. It can change you." 

The only thing you really need to 
know: If you think you can wear a hat, 
you can wear a hat. If you think you 
can’t, you can't. It's that simple. 

So to all you young guys searching 
for a sense of style and savoir faire: If 
it’s retro you want, why settle for Satur- 
day Night Fever when you can go all the 
way back? Certainly you'd get more re- 
spect if you dressed like Cagney rather 
than like Coolio or Marky Mark. And 
to you middle-aged middle execu- 
tives—charter members of the dreaded 
20-40-60 club (more than 20 years in 
the workforce, over the age of 40 and 
making more than $60,000 a усаг)— 
with your hatless heads on the corpo- 
rate chopping block: If you looked 
sharper, maybe you wouldn't get fired. 
Dig back into the closet and bring out 
that baby again. It still looks great, and 
so will you. 

‚Americans used to believe in the 
adage that the clothes make the man. 
But Europeans believe quire the oppo- 
site, that it is the man who makes the 
clothes. With your hat on, you get to 
have it both ways. And how many times 
in life can you say that? 


“You showed great form this afternoon—I can't wait to see 
what you can do on the slopes.” 


oney,” Kimber West says calmly yet insistently, "why is 
there a man in the window?” 
“Telephone guy,” shouts her husband, James, from 
down the hall. The stalwart James is simultaneously un- 
packing boxes, talking on the phone with an interior designer and 
rifling through closets in search of a tape measure. Meanwhile, amid 
the chaos, Miss February sits on a couch, talking about her moving ex- 
perience. Just a few weeks ago, the 22-year-old Georgian left Atlanta 
for this seaside home in Los Angeles. 
About her new house, she says, “It’s really destroyed now, but it's go- 
ing to be beautiful.” About her new life: “It's crazed, but I love it!” 
Kimber's life has been in flux ever since a fateful day last spring 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


[RUE 
WEST 


miss february 


veke up to [ар 


м. california dream 


when she ventured to an Atlanta hotel to audition for PLAYBOY'S 
Women of Atlanta pictorial (August 1996). “My husband basical- 
ly dragged me,” she says with a laugh, explaining that her ini- 
tial excitement gave way to "second thoughts—I didn't want to 
deal with them telling me no. That's just not something a girl 
wants to he: 


She needn't have worried: Even though she 
didn't appear in that pictorial, her electrifying good looks made 
her obvious Playmate material. 

When she flew to Los Angeles for her photo shoot, Kimber 
fell in love with the city. All signs read: Go West, young Kimber. 
“There’s work out here, the people are really nice, there's lots 
of culture,” she says. “I could grow old here.” 


She also could act here. “I'd 
like to do comedy, drama, just 
about anything. And I think I 
can do them all. I'm a Gemini, 
so I have about seven differ- 
ent personal Later, she 
admits to harboring an even 
more ambitious goal: "I'd like 
to be a producer." 

For the moment, though, 
she has more pressing con- 
cerns—such as unpacking. Be- 
fore returning to the boxes 
and the telephone guy, she 
conducts a tour of the house. 
Highlights include the play- 
room, where her two-year-old 
son, Taylor, makes his own 
chaos, and the master bed- 


room, featured in the steamy 
films Indecent Proposal and Col- 
or of Night. (Kimber will create 
some steam of her own when 
she shoots her Playmate vid- 


co here.) 

The tour culminates on the 
rooftop deck. “You can see 
Catalina Island on a clear 
4: Kimber marvels, wind 
whipping her hair. “I like it 
up here because I can tan 
nude and nobody can see 
me—at least I don't think any- 
one can." Miss February is 
a genuine civic asset—she's 
been here only a while and has 
already made a contribution 
to the skyline. вов pany 


‘m on exotic girl with o Sauth 

says Miss February, 
wha credits her bold good lacks 
to her mixed heritoge—she's 
Polynesian, Spanish and Cher- 
okee, with a bit of Dutch and 
Irish tossed in for good meosure. 


"I'm on old-fashioned liberoted woman," says Kimber. "I'm independent, but at the same time 1 like 
10 have doors opened for me." Her appearance here should open plenty of doors in Hollywood 


"I'm happiest when I'm nude,” Kimber nates. She often daes hausewark in the altogether, a genetic quirk: “My mom wauld be in the 
92 kitchen, cooking with na clothes on—nudity was never a big deal in aur family. It wos just o bady.” With all due respect, nat this body. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: і ler West 
взт: ЭС warst: QU ums: Do _ 
ercer: QA" wem: 125 


BIRTH DATE: I 927-2 BIRTHPLACE: ¡Atlanta у Georgia _ 
AMBITIONS: Tabe a successi said ana actress 


TURN-ONS: 


willing Xp please ene whatever way T ux at. — 
Mean penple, sons, bulles, anderen 


TURNOFES: \ 


UM d 


HOW I LIKE TO GET WET: e b 


Bubble baths, hat steamy _ 
Showers ; Skiny-dimim inthe ocean eX midnichr. 
—A dau Gullo sweetness — 


HOW TO GET ME INTO BED: eX 

Е ; ie 
HOW TO GET ME QUT OF BED: \ Ke pae Se oxly ar мі 
Sweet Collowed by Coffee. ‚and a nather es 
MY VALENTINE’S DAY DREAM: Taking a. Uacht to a 


c islan f AL. d 


i Even then L à 
do (mamas Quiet shy type. Mot Anymoreli 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


The brothers were compulsively competitive, 
constantly arguing about who was the better 
golfer, businessman, lover, fisherman—every- 
thing. One day they argued about who was 
better at folding and packing parachutes. “On- 
ly one way to settle this, Bill.” Charlie said. 
"Let's go skydiving.” 

ll jumped first, pulled the cord and began 
to float gently to earth. Charlie followed, but 
when he pulled his cord, nothing happened. 
He yanked his safety cord, but that didn't work 
either. In a matter of seconds, Charlie flew past 
Bill. “Aha!” Bill shouted, ripping off his har- 
ness, "you want to race, huh?" 


Py aveoy cıassıc: A lonesome cowboy wan- 
dered into a remote town and headed for the 
saloon. He asked the bartender where he 
could find a woman, and was told, "Ain't no 
women for miles, but there's a barnyard out 
back." 

Disgusted, the cowboy swore he would nev- 
er stoop to such a thing. But the next night he 
got too lonely. He went out to the barn and 
spotted a cute little pig. He took her to his 
room, gave her a bath, groomed her and put 
pink ribbons behind her ears. Tucking the an- 
imal under his arm, he walked into the saloon, 
where dozens of other cowpokes sat with all 
sorts of animals at their tables. But as he took 
a scat, a hush fcll over the room. "What's 
wrong?" the dude asked, looking around. 
“Y'all are doing the same thing!” 

“Yeah,” someone said from the back of the. 
room, “but we sure ain't doin’ it with the sher- 


Шз gal.” 


What do you call a hooker working the high- 
way exits? A tollhouse cookie. 


After hearing a couple's complaints that their 
intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex 
counselor suggested they vary their positions. 
“For example,” he suggested, “you might try 
the wheelbarrow. Lift her by the legs, penc- 
trate and off you go.” 

"The eager husband was all for trying this 
new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, OK,” 
the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two condi- 
tions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right 
away. And second,” she insisted, “you have to 


promise we won't go past my mother's. 


А professor was taking in the scene at a bi, 
lar L.A. nightspot when a miniskirted vee 
Girl sashayed over to him and said, 
want you to totally screw my brains out.’ 
“Sorry,” he replied, “I'm not into quickies.” 


The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. 
"I've got good news and bad news. The good 
news is that I’m going to give you a brain and 
a penis.” 

“And the bad news?” Adam asked. 

“Tm going to give you enough blood,” God 
declared, “to use only one of them at a time.” 


COMPUTER VIRUS OF THE MONTH: The Dan 
Quayle. Their is sumthing rong with your 
komputer, but ewe>cant figyour outt watt! 


Ass he cross-examined the coroner, the de- 
fense attorney asked, “Before you signed the 
death certificate, had you taken the man’s 
pulse?" 

“No,” the coroner replied. 

"Oh? Did you check for breathing?" 

“No” 

“So when you signed the death certificate,” 
the attorney asked with a smirk, “you had not 
taken any steps to make sure the man was 
dead, had you?" 

"Let me put it this way," the badgered coro- 
ner replied. “The man's brain was sitting in a 
jar on my desk. But," he added, “I guess that 
he could still be out there pracücing law 
somewhere." 


"Two dogs were walking through the park 
when one told the other that his humans had 
thrown him out of the house. 

“What for?" his companion asked. 

“For pissing on the rug." 

"Big deal. They piss in your water bowl, 
don't they?” 


Al n 


What does a graduate student with a science 
degree ask? "Why does it work?" 
What does a graduate student with an engi- 
neering degree ask? " How does it work?" 
What does a graduate student with an ac- 
counting degree ask? “How much will it cost?" 
What docs a graduate student with a liberal 
arts degree ask? “Do you want fries with that?” 


Tis MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: 

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked. 
“How do you prepare your chickens?" 
"Nothing special," he replied. *We just tell 

them straight out that they're going to die." 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes @ playboy com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


"Been there—done that.” 


THE TIME IS RIGHT, 
$09 THE PLACE. WE 
SHOW YOU HOW 
LOVABLE LOVE IS 


dini, We consider our- 
True) selves to be year- 
"ОООО round romantics 
MERT sho become extra 
motivated in Feb- 
ruary. And why 
not? It’s the month 
of flowers, lingerie, chocolates and 
passion—perfect for reminding the 
women we love just how lovable we 
are. To get you in the mood, too, 
we've created a guide to Valentine's 
Day. From romantic drinks to amaz- 
ing destinations to great gift ideas, 
it’s all here from rLayboY's stable of 
experts. Our movie guy, Bruce Wil- 
liamson, picked the most romantic 
films to watch on video (including a 
steamy John Leslie hard-core), and 
music critic Charles M. Young se- 
lected the best tunes, whether you 
like New Age or lounge. Because 
we're big on atmosphere. there are 
ingredients for a great bubble bath 
and a look at the sexy backseats of 
some cars that may be more fun not 
to drive. Contributing Automotive 
Editor Ken Gross researched the 
latter and didn't even file an ex- 
pense report. Hmm 


Dim the lights and uncork the chom- 
pogne. It's party—and present—time. 
Clockwise from top: A commemorative 
bottle of chompagne from Pol Roger— 
Cuvée Sir Winston Churchill 1986 
($145). Bubbly of a different kind: Em- 
porio Armoni's line of luxurious both 
products includes a 1000-gram bottle 
of thyme both solts ($32) and a 100- 
milliliter bottle of thyme both oil ($23). 
Asprey hos o collection of sterling silver 
compacts, including this elegont model 
($925). Mognum Designs by Joel Soskil 
offers this oll-plotinum semimount ring, 
feoturing eight diomond boguettes to- 
toling .92 corot ond c repicceable cubic 
zirconio os the center stone (about 
$5200). Cortier’s 18-kt. gold Love 
Brocelet must be bolted together to en- 
circle the wrist ($3900). The limited- 
edition Vert De Gris Metol Corset from 
Jeon-Paul Goultier's Extroct Collection 
looks os beoutiful os its contents smell 
($160). The French-mode silver-ploted 
frome is from ABC Corpet & Home 
($165). Opposite: Emporio Armoni's 
bubble both ($42 for o one-liter bottle). 


102 


-— 


PINK DIAMOND MARTINI 
This sexy sip calls for three ports vodka, two 
parts pineopple vodko and one part eoch 
cranberry vodka and peoch schnapps. Stir 
with ice, strain and garnish with rose petals. 


SICILIAN KISS 
For the smoothest of shooters, combine 
one port amaretto with one port Southem 
Comfort in an oversize shot glass (with no 
ice). Stir gently. Bottoms up, then remix. 


Lounge: You can’t go wrong 
with Sinatra 80th: All the Best 
(Capitol), a collection of Old 
Blue Eyes’ finest work fiom 
1953 to 1962. 


Rock: Play Portishead’s Dum- 
my (London) all the way 
through, or Princes Dirty 
Mind (Warner). 


R&B: Women melt over 
anything sung by Sam 
Cooke or Al Green. For 
something current, spin Se- 
crets by Toni Braxton (Arista) 
or Stardust by Natalie Cole 
(Elektra). 


Dance: If she's into trippy 
and trance-inducing tunes, 
wy Music for 18 Musicians by 
Steve Reich (ECM) or Mise- 
тете by Arvo Part (ECM). 


New Age: Unwind to the 
sensual sounds of Shepherd 
Moons by Enya (Reprise) or 
Aulumn by George Winston 
(Windham Hill). 


Classical: Music for Relax- 
ation, Vol. 3: The Magic of 
Mozart (London) inspires 
the right romantic mood. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 169, 


Bridges of Madison County 
(1995): Cornball novel be- 
comes cinematic gold, 
thanks to Streep and East- | 
wood's special chemistry. 


Casablanca (1942); Romantic 
films don't get any beter 
than this. Play it again. 


Doctor Zhivago (1965): Lara's 
Theme is embodied by Julie 
Christie as the dream girl 
who keeps Omar Sharif 
awake nights. 


Gone With the Wind (1939): 
The whole world was blown 
away by Rhett and Scarlett. 


Nothing to Hide (1981): 
Hard-core with heart—in 
a triple-X turn-on starring 
porn legend John Leslie. 


Sirens (1994): Churchman 
Hugh Grant is sexually 
awakened by nude models, 
including Elle Macpherson. 


Sleepless in Seattle. (1993): 
They don’t meet until it 
is almost over, but Tom 
Hanks and Meg Ryan make 
movie magic. 


Over the years, adventurous (and athletic) 
couples have scored in everything from 
tiny MGs to big Buicks. But nothing could 
touch the 1949-1951 Airflyie Nash with 
its broad front and rear benches thot 
quickly folded into a full-size bed. In Mer- 
cury's double-wide 1957 Turnpike Cruiser, 
а rear-window center section retracted for 
a starry view. For the next two decades, 
Cadillac's palatial Fleetwood offered a 
sumptuous leather couch for cozy ren- 
dezvovs. Despite downsizing, both Cads 
and Lincolns—especially today's DeVille 
d'Elegance—remain rolling playgrounds 
for amorous duos. Oiher great bedrooms 
on wheels include Mercedes-Benz’ tempt- 
ing S-closs sedans, Jaguor's elegont, 
long-wheelbase Vanden Plas ond the 
Lexus 15400, as much for its Nakamichi 
sound system os for its multiposition rear 
armchairs. But the all-time wicked wheels 
‘coward goes to Rolls-Royce. Pictured here: 
о 1961 Silver Cloud II convertible with o 
symphony of walnut and leather. 


Sandals Royal Bahamian 
Resort and Spa (Cable 
Beach, Nassau): The ucwest, 
poshest resort in the c 
ples-only chain is a sybaritic 
fantasy spread over 13 acres, 
induding a pristine beach 
and a semiprivate island. It’s 
the first Sandals with a spa. 


Hayman Island Resort 
(Great Barrier Reef, North 
Queensland, Australia): A 
tropical paradise worth the 
jet lag, Hayman has superb 
restaurants; terraced rooms, 
suites and penthouses; and a 
spectacular freshwater pool 
encircled by a saltwater one. 


Hotel Lutétia (45 Boulevard 
Raspail, Paris): Thisis where 
the love scenes between 
Jeremy Irons and Juliette 
Binoche in Damage were 
filmed. Suite 711 offers spec- 
lacular views of the Fiffel 
‘Tower and the city's roof- 
tops (even from the bath- 
tubs), plus a cozy bedroom 
up a winding staircase. At 
$1200 a night, it 
had better be 
very special, 


PLAYBOY 


SEXUAL REVOLUTION (continued from page 74) 


“Lust has a thousand avenues. The thing has wo- 
ven itself into the texture of city life.” 


that male sexual impulse was evil. The 
Women's Christian Temperance Union 
feared the animal nature of man—the 
devil in the flesh. 

These groups sought to extend so- 
called maternal authority into the pub- 
lic sphere, to extend their rights by 
curtailing those of others. 

‘There was a sexual undertone to all 
of their work. At the turn of the centu- 
ry Kentucky-born Carry Nation would 
storm saloons and, after smashing win- 
dows, mirrors and whiskey bottles with 
a hatchet, would rip sporting images 
from the walls. 

“There was scarcely any phase of hu- 
man life,” wrote one biographer of Na- 
tion, “from kissing to eating, into which 
she did not poke her disapproving 
nose. Did she observe a maiden expose 
a few inches of her ankle or glimpse the 
gleaming bosom of a lady of fashion? 
She forthwith shrieked a lecture on 
modesty and quoted Scripture to up- 
hold her prediction that the offender 
was destined to stew in the infernal 
fires. Did she find a young man em- 
bracing his sweetheart, even though he 
had progressed no further than im- 
printing a chaste salute upon the fair 
one's willing lips? Nation has to her 
credit many a blighted romance, for to 
her mind lovemaking before marriage 
was a sin of sins, reeking with horrid 
possibility. Menacing the lovers with 
quivering forefinger and glittering 
eyes, she cried an oration on seduction 
and the gratification of lusts that sent 
them scurrying away, hiding their 
blushes as best they could, for she was 
nothing if not frank.” 

Carry Nation represented the ex- 
treme; other women’s groups were bet- 
ter organized and more powerful. The 
WCTU had an impressive agenda. It 
began in 1874 and almost immediately 
branched out with a Committee for 
Work With Fallen Women, which later 
became the Department for the Sup- 
pression of the Social Evil and then the 
Department of Social Purity. The 
group had launched a White Cross- 
White Shield campaign promoting the 
single standard (chastity before mar- 
riage and fidelity within). The WCTU 
wanted a single code of morals “to 
maintain the law of purity as equally 
binding on men and women.” 

One of the temperance movement's 
greatest triumphs was in incorporating 
into primary school penmanship les- 
sons the slogan, “Lips that touch liquor 


shall never touch mine.” 

These women wanted greater pro- 
tection in the home (e.g., freedom 
from abusive or drunken husbands). 
But they also wanted greater control 
over the environment outside the 
home. They worked to create red-light 
abatement laws that could be used to 
force brothels out of business. In San 
Francisco, when the enlightened city 
opened a venereal disease clinic for 
prostitutes (an act that quickly resulted 
in a 66 percent drop in infection rates), 
social purity groups threatened a boy- 
соц against the Panama Pacific Inter- 
national Exposition of 1915. The 
groups argued that the wages of sin 
had to have a price (in this case, dis- 
ease). The clinic was closed. 

Dr. Kate Bushnell, a leader of the 
WCTU, was clear on the breadth of the 
crusade: “The word temperance had 
been narrowed down till it only meant 
total abstinence. In America, the wom- 
en of the WCTU had accepted it in its 
higher meaning, the combating of de- 
praved appetite in every form, and for 
the abolition, all the world over, of all 
laws that protect depraved appetite." 

These women could turn to their 
own champions—the men of the Pro- 
gressive Party. Male reformers had tak- 
en over the problem of fallen women. 

Whether the problem was quack 
medicine or impure food, Progressive 
reformers tackled social issues with a 
clear plan. Recognizing the value of 
publicity—especially the power of 
headlines to galvanize political ac- 
tion—they launched a series of vice in- 
vestigations. John D. Rockefeller fund- 
ed the crusade, which allowed George 
Kneeland to publish Commercialized 
Prostitution in New York City in 1913. The 
Vice Commission of Chicago preceded 
itin 1911 with The Social Evil in Chicago. 
Within a few years, more than 32 mu- 
nicipalities and states had conducted 
investigations of vice. In towns as di- 
verse as Lexington, Kentucky, Bay 
City, Michigan and Lancaster, Pennsyl- 
vania, stouthearted sons of middle- 
class America put themselves at risk, 
going night after night to brothels, 
concert saloons, candy stores, dance- 
halls—the bars and haunts of the work- 
ing class. Vice investigators diligently 
recorded every fondled buttock, every 
exposed breast, every offer of pleasure, 
every laugh from a girl in some young 
man's lap, every embrace, every depar- 
ture of a couple for some secluded spot. 


Prostitution was the apparent target. 
The Vice Commission of Chicago 
claimed as a motto “constant and per- 
sistent repression of prostitution the 
immediate method; absolute annihila- 
tion the ultimate ideal." But the true 
target, of course, was lust itself: "So 
long as there is lust in the hearts of 
men," announced thc commission, “it 
will seck out some method of expres- 
sion. Until the hearts of men are 
changed we can hope for no absolute 
annihilation of the social evil.” 

In 1914 writer Walter Lippmann 
took the Vice Commission of Chicago 
to task. He saw a parallel between po- 
litical repression and Sigmund Freud’s 
theory of psychological repression. 
Like Freud, he believed that sex sur- 
faced in every human activity, and that 
attempts to contain it were doomed. 
“Lust has a thousand avenues,” he 
writes in his Preface to Politics. “The 
brothel, the fiat, the assignation house, 
the tenement saloons, dancehalls, 
steamers, ice-cream parlors, Turkish 
baths, massage parlors, streetwalk- 
ing—the thing has woven itself into the 
texture of city life. Like the hydra it 
grows new heads everywhere. It draws 
into its service the pleasures of the city. 
Entangled with the love of gaiety, orga- 
nized as commerce, it is literally impos- 
sible to follow the myriad expressions it 
assumes.” 

Lippmann claimed the moral cru- 
saders had become “panicky and re- 
verted to an ancient superstition. They 
forbade the existence of evil by law.” 

The commission published page af- 
ter page ofrecommendations, new sex- 
ual taboos: No immoral or vulgar 
dances should be permitted in saloons, 
no intoxicating liquor should be al- 
lowed at any public dance. Laws 
against private wine rooms should be 
enforced. Lippmann scoffs at the at- 
tempt: “Nothing dynamic holds the 
recommendations together—the mass 
of them are taboos, an attempt to kill 
each mosquito and ignore the marsh. 
The evils of prostitution are seen as a 
series of episodes, each of which must 
be clubbed, forbidden, raided and 
jailed.” 

The vice investigators provide a look 
at a new sexuality—beyond the world 
of prostitutes, In Vice in Chicago, Walter 
Reckless describes a distinctly non- 
commercial fling: “Young people, 
some visibly under the influence of 
liquor, others apparently sober, were 
repeatedly seen to dance or whirl 
about the floor with their bodies 
pressed tightly together, shaking, mov- 
ing and rotating their lower portions in 
a way that undoubtedly roused their 
sex impulses. Some even were scen to 
engage in ‘soul kissing’ and biting one 
another on the lobes of the ears and 


rse its important, it’s the last one 


“Of cou 


PLAYBOY 


106 


upon the neck." 

The vice investigators saw women— 
unchaperoned by family and freed 
from the front porch—experimenting 
with sexuality on their own terms. Are 
we to believe these fevered accounts? 
Years later, Polly Adler would describe 
the dancehalls of the late teens differ- 
ently. Adler, who became one of New 
York's most famous madams, wrote 
that the dancehalls of her youth re- 
sembled “strenuous gymnasiums” 
more than they did “nightly mass 
deflorations.” 

In an essay on “Charity Girls’ and 
City Pleasures,” femi historian 
Kathy Peiss presents a vice investi; 
tor's description of the barroom activi- 
ty between dances at a Turnverein ball 
in New York City: 


Most of the younger couples 
were hugging and kissing, there 
was a general mingling of men 
and women at the different tables, 
almost everyone seemed to know 
one another and spoke to cach 
other across the tables and joined 
couples at different tables, they 
were all singing and carrying on, 
they kept running around the 
room and acted like a mob of lu- 
natics let loose. 


Peiss argues that the dancehalls cre- 
ated a new code: 


The heterosocial orientation of 
these amusements made populari- 
ty a goal to be pursued through 
dancing ability, willingness to 
drink and eye-catching finery. 
Women who would not drink at 
balls and social entertainments 
were often ostracized by men, 
while cocktails and ingenious mix- 
tures replaced the five-cent beer 
and helped to make drinking an 
acceptable female activity. Many 
women used clothing as a means 
of drawing attention to them- 
selves, wearing high-heeled shoes, 
fancy dresses, costume jewelry, 
elaborate pompadours and cos- 
metics. As one working woman 
sharply explained: “If you want to 
get any notion took of you, you 
gotta have some style about you.” 


One investigator noted, “Those who 
are unattractive and those who have 
puritanic notions fare but ill in the mat- 
ter of enjoyments.” 

And vice investigators shared none 
of those traits for popularity. In one 
Pittsburgh report on dancehalls, an in- 
vestigator—after describing men and 
women intermingling joyfully—re- 
ports he could not get any of the local 
women to dance with him, and ended 
up having to partner with his co-agent, 
a female investigator. 


Vice investigators were not buffoons: 
By 1915, 17 states and the District of 
Columbia had red-light abatement 
laws. By 1917, 30 states had adopted 
the reform. The American Social Hy- 
giene Association—heir to the group 
founded by Dr. Prince Morrow to com- 
bat venereal disease—could point to 47 
cities that had closed their vice districts 
by 1916. 

The results were mixed. “There 
were a great many of them who left the 
city,” one reformer in Des Moines com- 
plained. “It was not our prime idea to 
drive them out of the city, but our idea 
to drive them into decency,” 

Lust was a chameleon that adapted 
to new technologies. B.S. Steadwell, 
president of the World’s Purity Federa- 
tion, bemoaned adyances in 1913: 


The advent of electricity 
brought us the telephone, which is 
a necessity to any modern house of 
shame whether located in the city 
or in the country, and connects 
every home with these dens of in- 
famy. It made possible the degrad- 
ing picture show, and inventions 
which have been used largely to 
promote and cultivate immorality. 
During the past 50 years, girls and 
wornen have taken their places be- 
side boys and men in schools, col- 
leges, stores, offices, factories and 
shops, and have in constantly in- 
creasing numbers entered com- 
mercial life. This close association 
has brought opportunities for sex- 
ual gratification of which full ad- 
vantage has been taken. The au- 
tomobile has made possible the 
“joyride” and has built up the 
palatial "roadhouse," or country 
brothel. Luxurious transportation 
facilities have also ushered in im- 
moral practices never before 
known. 


The new woman created her own 
rules. These "women adrift” were part 
of a new style of socializing. The vice 
investigators identified "charity girls" 
who traded sex for excitement or ac- 
cess to entertainment: “They simply 
take this means of securing more 
amusements, excitements, luxuries 
and indulgences than their wages 
would afford them,” proclaimed the 
1911 Federal Report. “They are not 
promiscuously immoral.” 

The vice investigator carried an in- 
delible notion of madonna and whore. 
A woman's place was in the private 
sphere, supporting her husband, not 
in public cavorting with strangers. 
Young girls who expressed interest in 
sex were deemed incorrigible, and 
ended up in reformatories or worse. 
The vice inspector viewed himself as a 
Christian champion in a holy war—his 


mission was saving souls. Indeed, one 
crusader wrote: “The records of the 
Protestant churches of the U.S. show 
that in 1917 there were 458,400 new 
members enrolled. The secretary of 
the N.Y. Travelers Aid Society declares 
in 1917 there were 600,000 girls in 
houses ofill fame in the U.S. and 1 mil- 
lion clandestines. The referee of the 
Los Angeles Juvenile Court states that 
95 percent of the delinquents are from 
the dancehalls.” 

Lippmann saw the dangers of re- 
pression: “We have made a very con- 
siderable confusion of the life of joy 
and the joy of life. The first impulse is 
to abolish all lobster palaces, melodra- 
mas, yellow newspapers and sentimen- 
tally erotic novels. Why not abolish all 
the devil’s works? the reformer won- 
ders, The answer is in history. It can’t 
be done that way. It is impossible to 
abolish either with a law or an ax the 
desires of men. It is dangerous, explo- 
sively dangerous, to thwart them for 
any length of time. The Puritans tried 
to choke the craving for pleasure in 
early New England, They had no the- 
aters, no dances, no festivals. They 
burned witches instead.” 


THE FLICKERS 


No single event marks the change in 
America more than this: In the second 
decade of the century a young entre- 
preneur named William Fox bought 
the most notorious concert saloon in 
New York City—the Haymarket on 
29th and Sixth—and turned it into a 
movie theater. The palace of sin be- 
came a palace of cinema. The smell of 
sweat, semen and heer gave way to the 
smell of popcorn. 

Men and women could attend 
movies together and watch in intimate 
darkness as beautiful creatures lived 
impossible lives. Where once no rep- 
utable girl would go—for fear of being 
mistaken for a prostitute—millions of 
families now flocked. 

"The films weren't about sex so much 
as about sex roles. In 1909 reformer 
Jane Addams had realized for "hun- 
dreds of young people, going to the 
show is the only possible road to mys- 
tery and romance.” What was “seen 
and heard there becomes their sole 
topic of conversation, forming the 
ground pattern of their social life." 

As early as 1907, a pious professor 
attacked the new medium: “Pictures 
are more degrading than the dime 
novel because they represent real flesh- 
and-blood characters and import mor- 
al lessons directly through the senses. 
The dime novel cannot lead the boy 
further than his limited imagination 
will allow, but the motion picture forces 
upon his view things that are new; they 

(continued on page 132) 


WENTYTWO years after her ap- 
pearance as a Playmate, Carol 
Vitale still puts on quite a show. 
Her cable access program, The 
Carol Vitale Show, airs in California, 
New York, Washington, D.C. and Mi- 
ami, where Carol was working as a Bun- 
ny when she became Miss July 1974 
(right). She was in Miami Beach again. 
this past summer, posing for Bunny \ 
Yeager. The results are on these pages. 
"Whenever I'm in town, Bunny asl 
"When do you want to start shooting: 
Carol says. "Young men these days are 
so hot for older women, and I like men 
of all ages. Just treat me like gold and 
you'll never be sorry." Most men who 
would like to do that might have trou- 
ble keeping up with Carol. Her sched- 
ule is not for the fainthearted. She 
vows to pare it down. But so far she 


a nonstop beauty 
stars in her own show 


куы: CAROL VIT 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BUNNY YEAGER 


During the 550 episodes of her tolk show, Carol has welcomed guests such as Gary Coleman (above left), Zsa Zsa Gobor, Walter 
Motthau, Diane Lodd, Henny Youngman, Martin Landau, Stella Stevens, Dennis Miller and Playmates galare. She's also snared a penile 
implant specialist and a psychic. For o complete list of stations that carry the program, visit Carol’s Web page at htip://www.cyglam.com. 


hasn't had much luck. “I don't even have time to go to movies,” Carol complains, "or take vacations. So I wy to make my 
whole life a vacation.” Hanging with celebrities certainly helps. For her cable show, her wish list of guests includes Jay Leno, 
Goldie Hawn and, of course, Hugh Hefner. “Maybe ГЇЇ revamp the whole show and exclusively interview Playmat 
Carol says with a wink. "Don't let the blonde hair and the big boobs fool you, boy. I mean business.” Don't touch that dial. 


— cw 


110 


. She 
11105 
(0) . 
ANNA 
what do men and women really want? 
sex? breakfast? thicker hair? cur funny 


valentines—jamie lee curtis and 
john cleese—clash with panache 


article £05. Nick wea a 


— 


or centuries philoso- 

phers from Ptahhotep 

to, well, Beck have pro- 

vided us with myriad 

opinions on the wistful, 

wishful and sometimes painful state of desire. Not all of 

them have agreed. For example, do we subscribe to 

George Bernard Shaw’s theory that “there are two 

tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The 

other is to gain it”? Or would we prefer to go along with 

poet William Blake's belief that “he who desires but acts 
not breeds pestilence”? 

‘To get a more contemporary overview, we've turned to 
Jamie Lee Curtis and John Cleese, who succumbed hilari- 
ously to desire in the popular 1988 film A Fish Called Wan- 
da, and who have just reunited cinematically (along with 
Wanda cohorts Kevin Kline and Michael Palin) for the new 
comedy Fierce Creatures. We asked journalist Dick Lochte 
to sound them out on the pros and cons of the passionate 
subject. 


PLAYBOY: What's the first thing that comes to mind when 
you hear the word desire? 

curtis: Thick hair. 

CLEESE: Anywhere in particular? 

CURTIS: How typical of you, John. You know, a lus- 
trous, thick mane, a desired commodity for me because I 
have thin, wispy, baby-fine hair. (continued on page 152) 


PAINTING BY FRED STONEHOUSE 


(ow XT YT » ER x 
) | 
©, 


Pere 
Q2 


CONAN 


became 6'4" very suddenly, and Pue nev- 

er quite recovered from it,” says Conan 
O'Brien. The tall television host may be cit- 
ing his growth spurt as a metaphor for his 
accession to David Letterman's seat on 
NBC's "Late Night." But O'Brien has re- 
covered nicely from what some critics viewed 
as a rocky start. To use an industry tern, his 
show began trending up in the ratings. and 
finally, just before his third anniversary on 
the air this past fall, the network that often 
seemed on the verge of dumping him offered 
O'Brien a year's contract. 

Though billed as an unknown when he 
took over “Late Night,” O'Brien had made a 
reputation in the comedy business as a writer 
on “Saturday Night Live” and “The Simp- 
sons." But he insists he'd had his mind set on 
performing for years. He had studied tap 
dancing as a child because "I wanted to be 
an entertainer like Jimmy Cagney.” 

Although he says his dedication to rock- 
and-roll drumming saved him from the 
“classic definition” of a grind, O'Brien 
made his way from his home in Brookline, 
Massachusetts to a local college: Harvard. 
There he found that “comedy was almost a 
religious revelation, because I didn't have to 
work that hard at it. It wasn’t like memoriz- 
ing for a big test.” 

O'Brien was twice elected to head “The 
Harvard Lampoon,” that incubator for the 
brightest and funniest. After graduating in 
1985 he moved to Hollywood to write for 
HBO's “Not Necessarily the News" and 
hone his performance style with improvisa- 
tion groups. The "SNL" and "The Simp- 
sons” stints followed. When NBC began 


its star search for 
the hair- the 12:30 a.m 
enhanced talk- — ^5 


slot, O'Brien had 
producer Lorne 


NL" boss, 


Michaels, place 
show host his name in the 
j: running. 
cracks wise E А 
n backer met with 
about his O'Brien at the 
close of one late 
alma mater, shift. "I have to 
his brush believe O'Brien 
a aced his verbal 
with tv death 542,” Kalback- 
& er reports. "He's 
and his treat- оше, well, ver- 
bal. And he im- 
ment for a mediately invited 
me to return for. 
Sore throat another conver- 
sation with the 
babble.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 


PLAYBOY: You're the son of a physician 
and an attorney. Is hosting a late-night 
television show an attempt to escape a 
destiny in medicine or law? 

ORIEN: This show is an attempt to say 
to my parents, "For God's sake, help 
me." I realized early on that I didn't 
want to be a doctor like my father or a 
lawyer like my mother. There had to be 
something else for me. I seized on 
game-show host. Everyone has a hero, 
and for me it's Wink Martindale. I 
thought, What better thing for me to 
do than to be able to comb my hair in- 
to a pompadour and give away cash 
prizes? When this Lale Night thing 
came along, 1 thought, I'll grab it and 
maybe, over time and with a little luck, 
it will transform into a game show. 
We're getting there. Andy and I are 
starting to develop that cheesy patter. 
Insincerity levels are rising rapidly, and 
around 1998—God willing—America 
will tune in and see a Toyota Camry 
slowly revolving in the background, 
and people will be bobbing for apples 
and cheering wildly. Then we'll really 
have something. 


2a 


PLAYBOY: Your show debuted the day 
Yitzhak Rabin and Yasir Arafat shook 
hands. We recall your remark, "Conan 
O'Brien will get a talk show when 
there's peace in the Middle East,” but 
we find no mention of your name in 
diplomatic exchanges. Can we assume. 
it was a coincidence? 

O'BRIEN: It all came together nicely, and 
I feel the show was influential. Monday, 
September 13, 1993. The night 1 pre- 
miered, the picture appeared of Clin- 
ton with Rabin and Arafat shaking 
hands on the White House lawn. 1 had 
advance knowledge. We don't read 
newspapers just to come up with the 
monolog jokes. A good 40 percent of 
the writers on this show are former Is- 
raeli commandos. They rush in at the 
last second and say, “Madonna's having 
a baby!" I ask if they're sure. “Yes, we 
lost two men finding out." 


3. 


PLAYBOY: Saturday Night Live impresario 
Lorne Michaels was assigned by NBC 
to come up with a replacement for 
David Letterman. Explain how he 
tapped you for the job. 

O'BRIEN: I’m not at liberty to go into 
that because it would diminish what 


o BRIEN 


T've achieved. But let's just say that 
Lorne had to choose me at that point 
in his life, and I hope to become very 
wealthy off some land deals. God bless 
him. I'm sure I owe the guy a lot. He 
didn't have the power to actually say, 
"Conan O'Brien is going to replace 
David Letterman." The crucial role 
that he played was in telling NBC, 
“There's this Conan O'Brien guy who 
will be green at first, but he's smart and 
has some talent and 1 think you should 
check him out." Then there was an au- 
dition on the Tonight Show set and some 
meetings with NBC where I talked 
about what Га do with the show: “This 
will show rhem. This is going to knock 
Silk Stalkings off the air." 


4. 


PLAYBOY: You've had long-term expe- 
rience with short-term employment. 
How did you deal with the lack of 
job security, which affects so many 
"Americans today? 

orien: During the first year and a half 
of the show's run we were renewed 
every 40 minutes. 1 bought one of 
those digital watches with an alarm, 
and it was pretty much chiming all the 
time. Now I look back fondly on those 
early rough times. My first professional 
job in Los Angeles, in 1985, was with 
Not Necessarily the News on HBO. I was 
on a three-week contract because they 
didn’t know if I was funny. I checked 
into the Oakwood Apartments, which 
is kind of halfway between an apart- 
ment building and a hotel. It’s a great 
place to meet single, pregnant women, 
because a lot of them go there when 
they break up with their husbands, and 
they ask if you want to go out for din- 
ner. In the middle of my second week 1 
found out that I was getting picked up 
for 13 weeks more, and then after that 
I was getting picked up for 26. Here 1 
have my own TV show and I'm 30 
years old, and in my gut I just don't 
feel I have anything to complain about. 
1га started bitching about getting on- 
ly a 13-week television contract, Ameri- 
ca would have had the right to kick me 
in the ass. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: Early in your Late Nigh! run 
critics knocked you as being a frat boy. 
Do you consider that criticism unfair 
given that your alma mater, Harvard, 
15 famous for other types of exclusive 
societies? 

O'BRIEN: There are a ton of them, none 


113 


PLAYBOY 


114 


of which I was invited to join. Porcel- 
lian is the most exclusive. It turned 
down Franklin Roosevelt. A lot of peo- 
ple theorize that the New Deal was 
FDR's revenge against Porcellian for 
not letting him in. I was never one who 
would have joined a frat. I don't like to 
high-five people, and I'm not the kind 
of guy who likes to bump chests with 
anybody. Mine would collapse. I have a 
high, weak sternum that’s calcium de- 
ficient. Andy's not really a frat guy, ei- 
ther. But people need quick labels for 
you. I never waste time trying to figure 
out what's fair or unfair. Critics who 
didn't like the show at first, most no- 
tably Tom Shales [of The Washington 
Post], have since said they really like it. 
There's been a terrible mistake, and 
I'm just going to keep my mouth shut 
and try to benefit from it. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Television executives are not 
known for their patience. Why weren't 
you canceled after just a couple of 
months? 

O'BRIEN: They forgot I was on the air. 
"They may even have told somebody, 
“Go cancel that guy," but he didn't 
know how to get in touch with me. By 
the üme he figured it out, we were do- 
ing better. The serious answer is that 
we were probably staying barely ahead 
of the machine that cancels you. Our 
ratings never dipped that low. I don't 
even want to know how close we came 
in the first six months. When you're in 
great danger, it's good you never actu- 
ally have time to think about how much 
trouble you're in. 


7. 


PLAYBOY: You recently moved to a new 
Manhattan apartment. Did your first 
year-long NBC contract make you 
more comfortable about investing in 
real estate? 

orien: Things are going much better 
on the show now, but I haven't gotten 
crazy. I didn't buy an apartment. Pm 
still renting. I'm not a fool. I looked in- 
to buying an apartment in New York, 
but the process scared the hell out of. 
me. They say, "If you want this small 
apartment, you can pay $2 million for 
it, and after you agree to do that, we'll 
consider whether or not we're going to 
let you have it." You almost faint dead 
away. You don't get a park view, and 
then they tell you Bruce Willis and De- 
mi Moore just bought the penthouse 
for $15 million, and they bought it to 
keep their tennis shoes in. I bought a 
small house in Connecticut. It’s notan 
estate. I was hoping that if 1 bought 
the house in Connecticut, then I'd get 
the stalker. And then maybe I'd finally 
live up to Dave's legend. But it didn’t 
happen. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: We understand you're the 
lowest-paid late-night host, pulling 
down about $2 million a year. Won't 
you be looking to up the ante when 
your contract comes up for renewal? 
O'BRIEN: "I think I'm still the lowest 
paid," he said with obvious pride. I 
don't get into specifics, but it's around 
there. I'm doing really well compared 
with the rest of my family. Compared 
with the 11:30 guys, I'm thrilled with 
how much money I make. It sounds 
like a cliché, but I don't get obsessed 
with money. Doing these shows is fun 
when it goes well, and that's the addic- 
tive part. Later on so much of this busi- 
ness is "How much do you earn?"— 
meaning the respect you're being 
shown by the industry. Maybe I have 
low self-esteem. I'm happy that people 
know who I am now. They actually 
make eye contact with me. I'm euphor- 
ic that NBC runs promos for my show. 
И be years and years before I make 
outrageous demands—like renaming 
NBC the Conan Channel. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: The evidence indicates that 
Harvard graduates are represented in 
disproportionately large numbers in 
the comedy-writing business. Should 
we be concerned? 

O'BRIEN: Yes. Look what happened 
when Harvard people took over run- 
ning the Vietnarn war. You know it has 
gone too far when they introduce na- 
palm and chemical defoliants in the 
prime-time schedule. There have been 
mentions of it here and there, but I'm 
waiting for the big whistle-blowing arti- 
cle that says, "Hey, wait a minute. How 
come all these assholes get to have TV 
jobs?" The government will step in, the 
way it broke up AT&T. For some Har- 
vard people, being a TV writer is what 
being a stockbroker was in the Forties 
and Fifties. It's socially acceptable now 
to graduate from Harvard and do a 
season on Roseanne, which is absurd be- 
cause the show is about a lower-mid- 
dle-class woman in the Midwest and 
deals vith the stuff real people have to 
deal with. You have this image of a guy 
who wrote his thesis on Nietzsche try- 
ing to figure out whether or not Dan 
should buy a trailer park. 


10. 


кїлүвоү: Tell us a tale of young Conan 
O'Brien, Harvard student. 

orien: I majored in American history 
and literature and, boy, have I put that 
to good use, I wrote a thesis on William 
Faulkner and Flannery O'Connor and 
all the things I have been trying to 
work into the show. Harvard is deeply 
ashamed of me. If you write a thesis at 


Harvard, you, too, can interact with a 
gaseous wiener. I have mixed feelings 
about my Harvard past. I don't want to 
completely trash it because 1 worked 
hard to go there. I wasn’t a legacy. 1 
wanted to make something of myself, 
and I was proud to get into Harvard. 
"Then I got into comedy and they made 
me president of the Lampoon. I got to 
edit the magazine for two years in a 
row, and that was unusual. After col- 
lege I didn’t limit my circle to the Har- 
vard writing community. I made an ef- 
fort to become friends with performers 
from different parts of the country who 
had never heard of the Lampoon. I was 
getting up on that stage in Chicago 
wearing a diaper. I used to do a bit 
called Kennedy Baby, where I played a 
giant baby who talked like Ted Ken- 
nedy, and I would do it in a diaper. To 
people whosay I haven't paid my dues, 
I've paid my dues. I have pictures to 
prove it. 


1. 


PLAYBOY: Did you feel more secure in 
the role of host after visits from such 
late-night regulars as Tony Randall 
and Dr. Joyce Brothers? 

O'BRIEN: Definitely. We have even had 
nights when Ed McMahon has come by 
and chuckled at things. I knew we had 
a real talk show the night I said, 
“Ladies and gentlemen, put your 
hands together for Charo.” She came 
on and shook her tits and said, 
“Cootchie-cootchie.” She'd say things I 
wouldn’t understand, and I would do 
Carson takes to my camera. I really get 
excited in those moments because I 
feel like I've paid for a virtual reality 
ride: If you're at least this tall and not 
pregnant and you don't have a pace- 
maker, you can strap yourself in and 
make quips and Ed McMahon will sit 
next to you and guffaw 


12. 


PLAYBOY: Do you pay royalties to the 
creators of Clutch Cargo, who came up. 
with the idea of putting moving lips on 
cartoon faces? And have you taken le- 
gal steps to protect your own intellectu- 
al property? 
O'BRIEN: No, we don't pay royalties, and 
this interview is over. My God, 1 don't. 
think anybody would want any of our 
intellectual property. That's our great 
security blanket. Letterman actually 
had comedy bits that people would 
want to take, but I decided early on 
that I wasn’t going to run into this 
whole intellectual-property thing. So 
we create comedy that no one would 
ever dare touch, and it’s worked beau- 
tifully. No one rips us off. None of 
our impressions are accurate. They're 
incredibly insane and overblown and 
(continued on page 162) 


“My, you've been getting warmer lately. Must be the greenhouse effect.” 


115 


‚Heart Couture 


LOVE'S WHATNOTS ARE FIT TO BE UNTIED 


hen it comes to seduction, there is no greater weapon in a woman's 
arsenal than lingerie. It is the ultimate enticement, a perfect combi- 
nation of mystery and arousal. Consider the sheer excitement of a 
negligee, the hidden treasure of a lace bra or the shimmery grace 
of a silk slip. This is the gossamer stuff a man’s dreams are made of. Some of 
our friends in the sports magazine world would have you believe that the last 
word in sex appeal is a bikini-clad bombshell tripping along the sands of Maui. 
But we say, “Time-out.” To prove our point, we asked some of our favorite Play- 
mate superstars to do what comes naturally. Call it the PLAYBOY Lingerie Revue— 
the start of a special-edition tradition. Next to nothing has never meant so much. 


These boots were made for wolking her dogs: Echo Johnson, below, is o Playmate who knows all about animal mog- 
netism. Echo's clearly о fan of fur, and her toste in underthings is spot on. She has turned o simply cut bro ond high- 
slung panties into a pointillist's vision. If anything can come between man and his best friend, it wauld be this outfit. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


Wearing lingerie is the clearest signol c woman con send to a man. (Well, maybe her telling yau her ring size is clearer) We consider this 
pose by Nadine Chanz (above) an exclamation point at the end of the message, nicely punctuated by sun and shadow. Priscilla Taylar’s 
Merry Widow ensemble (apposite) fits her like c glove. Far an added tauch, she shows why her Valentine's Day heart isin the right place. 


In her garter and stockings, Angela Melini has an advantage over her admirers. She knows what we're thinking, but we 
can only hope she's thinking of us. Nothing fuels a woman's fantasy more than things that unbuckle and go swish in the night. 


For yeors, the best lure for colching a men’s attention hos been a sexy pair of stockings. Left, Barbaro Moore costs her fishnets wide, with 
spectaculer results. Rosebud: There's no secret os to why Shouna Send has a hold on our memory—and we're not tolking obout o white 
rose ond sotin sheets. In case you missed her Moy 1996 pictoriol, you may also call her by another nome: Mrs. Lorenzo Lomas. 123 


On a scale of 1 to 10, cheeky Rachel Jean Marteen (above) weighs in at 12—and she knows it, too. If marriage is the death of hope, as 
Woody Allen once tald us, then lingerie must be its rebirth. Cupid knew what he was doing when he cast our 40th Anniversary Play- 
124 mate, Anna-Marie Goddard (right), as an anything-but-blushing bride. Veils aside, Anna-Marie needs no support for her na-frills wedding. 


On Valentine's Day, life is sweet—so eat you n: теа Оэ ҮЕ aves 
off a warm, fuzzy feeling from our heads to her toes. After all 


PLAYBOY 


128 


JOHN KENNEDY „ахо 


He turned out to be stunningly handsome. The joke 
is that he went through college wearing only a towel. 


gone. When the world moved on to 
other things, Jacqueline Kennedy was 
raising two kids by herself. And for 
those kids, the Camelot myth was no 
substitute for school. One day in 1965, 
a phone call came to Peter Clifton, who 
was then the assistant headmaster of St. 
David's Schoo! on the Upper East Side 
of Manhattan. 

“Hello, Mr. Clifton,” said the soft 
voice on the phone. “This is Jacqueline 
Kennedy. 1 wonder if I could come and 
see the school.” 

“Everybody was scared to death at 
the school,” Clifton remembered. But 
John Kennedy was treated as just an- 
other first grader, with cousins ahead 
of and behind him—Chris Lawford, 
Steve and Willie Smith, Anthony Rad- 
ziwill. "That was a help to John, to have 
a lot of family around,” said Clifton. 
“There was no one sweeter than 
John—he had no guile in him. He's 
still like that. I have to give his mother 
a lot of credit for that. She appreciated 
anybody taking an interest in John." 

Of course, the world had an interest. 
in the Kennedy children—an interest. 
that, taken one person at a time, was 
benign and harmless, but when cen- 
trifuged by mass media, disclosed a lay- 
er of danger. 

No matter how old he gets, John 
Kennedy will always be too young to 
remember his father as flesh and 
blood. His uncle Robert F. Kennedy is 
less a ghost. "He was very intense," 
John Kennedy told an acquaintance 
not long ago. “He used to scare me. I 
was a little kid. When he would come 
over to the apartment, I would hide in 
my room." 

In June 1968, when Bobby Kennedy 
was shot in Los Angeles, Jacqueline 
Kennedy was reported to have said, "IF 
they're killing Kennedys, then my chil- 
dren are targets." Four months later 
she married Aristotle Onassis, the ship- 
ping tycoon who owned an island 
fortress in the Mediterranean. 

"He was good to my mother and my 
sister,” John Kennedy told a friend. 

That is what he has figured out, 
however contrary his version is to re- 
ceived wisdom. Jacqueline Kennedy 
Onassis did not have, if even one per- 
cent of the published reports are true, 
a peaceful marriage with her second 
husband. After his death in 1975 she 
struggled with his daughter over the 
estate. 

“John feels very warmly toward Ari,” 


said the friend, and Kennedy should 
be no less authoritative on his mother’s 
second marriage than, say, Time maga- 
zine. Maybe the stories about the in- 
heritance squabble and the unhappy 
marriage were overcooked. Maybe he 
hasn't read them. Maybe he just does 
not believe any of it. (“I've read things 
in the Enquirer attributed to me that 
I've never said in my life,” he com- 
mented in one issue of George.) 

Everyone else could imagine his fa- 
ther. John lived without him. In Sep- 
tember 1968 John transferred to the 
Collegiate School, a private school for 
boys on the West Side of Manhattan. 
“There was a father-son night in the 
eighth grade, about 1973 or 1974. 
The idea was, you had dinner in the 
old gymnasium, maybe threw a ball 
around,” said novelist Peter Blauner, a 
Collegiate classmate of Kennedy's. 
“The fathers would talk with the teach- 
ers, Maybe meet the other fathers. 
John brought Rosey Grier, and I re- 
member the talk being, of course, that 
Grier was there because he tackled 
Sirhan Sirhan. He tried to protect the 
uncle and now he's here for John.” 

Others pitched in. Richard Good- 
win, a writer and Kennedy family advi- 
sor, took John to an Ali-Frazier fight, 
and afterward Ali gave John his robe. 
To get to school John rode the M-79 
bus across Central Park, passing the 
Museum of Natural History on one 
side and the Metropolitan Museum of 
Art on the other. The Secret Service 
agents sat in the back of the bus. One 
day John gave them the slip and was 
mugged in Central Park. It made the 
newspapers, big-time. For high school, 
his mother shipped him to Andover, 
the New England boarding school. A 
classmate stole the robe Ali had giv- 
en him. 


John was held back a year at An- 
dover but for college had the pick of. 
the Ivy litter. In 1979 he chose Brown 
University, pride of Rhode Island, over 
his father's school, Harvard. He had 
acted in high school. At Brown, he 
turned in earnest to the stage and even 
to the screen. 

“There's a movie in the archives at 
Brown that was made by a student, and 
John Kennedy has a big part in it," said 
Julie Talen, a screenwriter and former 
Brown classmate. “He was a great ac- 
tor." Kennedy was turning out to be a 


stunningly handsome young man, and 
he wasn't a bit shy about publicly bar- 
ing the ripples. The joke is that he went 
through four years of college wearing 
only a towel 

From his mother he learned at least 
two lessons. One was circumspection. 
Like his mother, John has always been 
a controlled substance. She had a rule 
of silence, which she never violated for 
any interviewer. That made every ut- 
terance—profound or vapid—price- 
less. All she had to do was sign her 
name to a petition to preserve Grand 
Central Station, and she could reverse 
the course of mighty capitalists. The 
public silence “was not really a studied 
decision on her part," Jackie's son 
would tell Oprah Winfrey. “It’s just 
that her life was easier if, you know, she 
lived it privately.” 

The second lesson was also simple. 
You go to work. You don’t bum 
around. In 1975 Jackie took a job as a 
book editor at Viking, which she left 
after the house published a Jeffrey 
Archer novel that turned on the assas- 
sination of Ted Kennedy. From there 
she went to Doubleday. Her children 
caught on. They worked summers. 
Idleness worms its way through the 
lives of the rich and poor, at different 
angles, surely, but destructively all the 
same. The son and daughter of Jacque- 
line Kennedy Onassis missed the bad 
turns taken by some of their Kennedy 
cousins. 


John graduated from Brown in 1983 
with a degree in history but without a 
clue. He pitched in on some charity 
work and traveled abroad, idling the 
engine of his fame and looks. He dated 
women from Brown and in 1985 acted 
with one of them in a Brian Friel play, 
Winners, in a way-off-Broadway theater. 
The entire Kennedy court made it 
clear through the gossip columns that 
his mother was opposed to John hav- 
ing a career in acting and an emotional 
life built around actresses. 

Nevertheless, his performances at 
the Irish Arts Center became the stuff 
of legend. For one thing, the little the- 
ater on a bleak, semi-industrial street 
was not accustomed to having its pa- 
trons body-searched and admitted by 
invitation only. For another, the lead 
actor proved to the public what his 
family had long known: He had a gift 
for mimicking a brogue. “The finest 
young actor I've seen in 12 years,” said 
Nye Heron, executive director of the 
center. Reporters grabbed John one 
night when he was leaving the theater. 
“This is definitely not a professional 
acting debut,” Kennedy demurred. 
“Is just a hobby" The message surely 


"I suppose I could have fought him off, Charles, but you know 
how I loathe violence." 


128 


PLAYBOY 


130 


must have pleased his mother. 

At some point during those years, 
John met Michael Berman, a party 
hound his own age from a New Jersey 
real estate family, who was an aspiring 
public relations and marketing execu- 
tive. John returned from a kayaking 
trip raving about a handmade kayak he 
had used. He and Berman cooked up 
an idea to market the kayak around the 
country, and they even formed a com- 
pany, Random Ventures. It took them 
a year to realize that they couldn't 
mass-produce handmade kayaks. Ran- 
dom Ventures went into hibernation. 

In 1986, after three years of skating 
around New York, working parties at 
night and respectable causes by day, 
Kennedy entered law school at New 
York University. He made it through in 
three uneventful years. Uneventful, 
that is, except for being named the 
sexiest man alive by People magazine 
in 1988. 

"That summer he spoke at the Demo- 
cratic convention in Atlanta, offering a 
bland endorsement of public service. 
His first major public speech received a 
two-minute standing ovation. 

If it was debutante night in the polit- 
ical arena, John Kennedy didn’t seem 
to be particularly interested in danc- 
ing. "You never say never,” he said, 
which, on his lips, certainly sounded 
like never. 

In 1989 he took a position with Man- 
hattan District Attorney Robert Mor- 
genthau, who always manages to make 
room on his staff for the sons and 
daughters of the well known. In a four- 
year stint, Kennedy won all six cases he 
tried, and handled dozens of small- 
bore complaints. 

“I didn’t like it,” he told a colleague. 
“I felt sorry for the defendants. Sure 
they were all guilty. But they were all 
poor and stupid.” The criminal justice 
system is often the last stop on a con- 
veyor belt of bad luck, and a young as- 
sistant district attorney is waiting to 
catch the sorry packages as they drop. 

By day, he may have been swabbing 
the toilets of the court system, but by 
night, he was squiring Daryl Hannah. 
They met on vacation in the Caribbe- 
an. They reconnected when his aunt 
Lee Radziwill married Herbert Ross, 
who directed Steel Magnolias. Hannah 
and Kennedy dated for nearly five 
years, his longest romance. 

In the DA's office, as everywhere, he 
is remembered for not assuming that 
anyone owed him a thing, for holding 
doors and getting coffee. Not everyone 
knew the private Kennedy. After one 
long night he had a green shamrock 
tattooed on his posterior. 

He also set one legal milestone: He 
became the only person in the history 


of the New York bar to make the front 
pages of three newspapers when he 
didn’t pass the bar on his first two tries. 
THE HUNK FLUNKS, the papers reported. 
He shrugged. “I'm clearly not a major 
legal genius,” he said. 

But Kennedy was hardly indifferent 
to what people thought about him. 
One afternoon, he stopped at Pete's 
Tavern, a charming old bar near 
Gramercy Park in Manhattan. The 
manager grew up in Inwood, an old 
Irish neighborhood in northern Man- 
haian. He and Kennedy had a long, 
companionable chat over beers about 
what life had been like for an Irish 
American street kid. 

A day or so later an item ran in the 
gossip column of the New York Post sug- 
gesting there was good reason JFK Jr. 
was having a hard time passing the bar 
exam. He was blowing the whole after- 
noon hanging out in Pete’s Tavern 
when he should have been cracking the 
law books, the paper opined. 

The day the item appeared, Ken- 
nedy rode his bike to Pete's and tapped 
the manager on the shoulder. “I 
thought we had a private discussion,” 
an angry Kennedy said. 

“We did,” said the manager. “I tell 
you straight up, that didn’t come from 
me, nor anyone who works for me. We 
had nothing to do with it.” 

“OK,” said Kennedy, “I appreciate 
it.” In a lifetime of provocations, he has 
rarely blown any fuses. One summer 
on Cape Cod, he doused a pestering 
paparazzo, but then returned with 
apologies and an offer to pay for his 
camera. 

In 1992 and 1993 he watched the as- 
cent of Bill Clinton, who blew a saxo- 
phone on Arsenio Hall's show and 
talked about his underwear on MTV. 
National politics was beginning to 
sound like John Kennedy's life. He 
quit the district attorney's office in 
1993. With Berman, he began to scrib- 
ble ideas for a magazine about the in- 
tersection of politics and lifestyle. They 
revived their old kayaking company, 
Random Ventures, and set up shop in 
Berman's office. 

Late in 1993, Jacqueline Kennedy 
Onassis fell ill. It was non-Hodgkin's 
lymphoma. She rallied, then failed. 


Just before 11 p.m. on May 20, 1994, 
John Kennedy came down from his 
mother's apartment at 1040 Fifth Av- 
enue and read a statement to the 
throng of reporters holding a death- 
watch. “She was surrounded by 
friends, family and her books, and the 
people she loved, the people who were 
important to her,” Kennedy said softly. 
“She did it on her own terms and in 
her own way. There's been an enor- 


mous outpouring of good wishes from 
people in New York and beyond. I 
hope now we can just have these next 
couple of days in relative peace.” 

The funeral was held at the Church 
of St. Ignatius Loyola, on Park Avenue 
and 84th Street. It was a monument 
to the privacy of the household. “I 
couldn't even go through the rectory 
this morning,” said one Jesuit priest. 
“There are men with machine guns on 
the roof” 

That privacy would prove in the 
months ahead io be a spectacular asset, 
ripe for investment. Berman and Ken- 
nedy began to whisper to the press. 
They showed a little ankle. Kennedy's 
ankle, that is. (Berman has said that 
partnership with Kennedy is like being 
Dolly Parton's feet.) 

Neither Berman nor Kennedy were 
quoted directly, but strange personal 
items cropped up in the papers. Sam- 
ple: He left the same gym bag in the 
same place on Daryl Hannah's floor 
for five months and never makes his 
bed—but now he’s looking to launch 
a magazine! 

The year that began with armed 
men guarding the privacy of his moth- 
er's funeral ended with stories about 
what a gorgeous slob her son was. And 
how he might be on to an interesting 
notion about a magazine. It was all cat- 
nip: A few months later executives at 
Hachette Filipacchi, a magazine pub- 
lisher, agreed to fund the start-up of 
George. The investors at Hachette saw 
him speak to 1900 car advertising buy- 
ers in Detroit. 

*I hope,” Kennedy told the Detroit 
audience, “eventually to end up as 
president.” 

He paused as that thought scored, 
then finished the sentence. “Of a very 
successful publishing venture.” 

The crowd roared, then booked a 
record number of ad pages for the 
magazine's debut issue. 

. 


Oprah Winfrey thought that the 
Drew-Barrymore-as-Marilyn cover was 
a great gag. “Like, I understand the 
whole thing, John," she assured him. 
"I got that." 

"OK," said Kennedy. 

"The kind of spoof thing," she said. 

“Mmm,” replied Kennedy. 

What? What spoof thing? Do you 
suddenly feel like everyone in the 
room is winking at one another? The 
cover was meant to plug a story about 
Bill Clinton turning 50, though it in 
fact called an enormous amount of at- 
tention not to Clinton, Marilyn Mon- 
roe or even President Kennedy but to 
the editor who chose it. 

Clearly, Hachette has invested in a 

(concluded on page 169) 


When Herb Ritts captured the formidable Brigitte Nielsen 
for our December 1987 issue—her third PLAYBOY appear- 
ance—the six-foot wonder was hot off a hot streak of films 
(Red Sonja, Cobra, Beverly Hills Cop II) and embarking on a 


EA NBI YO “Gi EE RN 


singing career. Divorced from Sly and linked romantically 
with everyone from New York Jet Mark Gastineau to her fe- 
male secretary, the great Dane was also enjoying notoriety 
in the tabloids. This photo started its own chain reaction. 


131 


PLAYBOY 


132 


SEXUAL REVOLUTION (continued from page 106) 


Theda was born in the shadow of the Sphinx. Her 
lovers died of poison from mysterious amulets. 


give firsthand experience.” 

In 1915 the Supreme Court would 
agree. In Mutual Film Corp. vs. Ohio the 
court ruled that film was not protected 
by the First Amendment. “The exhibi- 
tion of moving pictures is a business 
pure and simple, originated and con- 
ducted for profit, not to be regarded as 
part of the press of the country or as or- 
gans of public opinion. They are mere 
representations of events, or ideas and 
sentiments published or known; vivid, 
useful and entertaining, no doubt, but 
capable of evil, having power for it, the 
greater because of their attractiveness 
and manner of exhibition.” 

Filmmakers had realized carly on that 
the market wanted sex. Onc historian 
recounts a meeting of the board of direc- 
tors of the Biograph Co. When one 
member questioned the heavy emphasis 


on sex, he was shown a list of titles play- 
ing at a local arcade, along with the dai- 
ly take: 


U.S, Battleship at Sea—25 cents. 

Joseph Jeffersen in Rip's Sleep— 
45 cents. 

Ballet Dancer—$1.05. 

Girl Climbing Apple Tree—$3.65. 


At a nickel a shot, sex beat battleships 
by seven to one. One Biograph board 
member said, "I think we had better 
have some more of the Girl Climbing Ap- 
ple Tree kind.” 

Women added sensuality and spice 
to the movies—Mack Sennett Bathing 
Beauties cascaded through scene after 
scene, revealing more leg than one 
would scc at a beach. The curvaceous co- 
medians brought out the censors, who 
snipped offending scenes and created 


“Isn't there some ancient Chinese herb that makes 
it go down occasionally?” 


great publicity for Sennett's work. 

By the teens, the arcades with row up- 
оп row of nickelodcons had given way to 
movie palaces; and anonymous girls 
climbing trees gave way to real screen 
celebrities. One of the earliest stars, an 
Australian swimmer named Annette 
Kellerman, was presented as "thc 
world's most perfectly formed woman" 
in onc aquatic epic after another. She pi- 
oneered the one-piece bathing suit. Her 
effect was such that a character in 
F. Scott Fitzgerald’s first novel, This Side 
of Paradise, points out a swimming hole 
once visited by Kellerman, leaving one 
to fantasize on sharing water that had 
been cleaved by perfection. 

And then came Theda. 


THE VAMP 


In 1914 William Fox cast unknown ac- 
tress Theda Bara in a film version of the 
play A Fool There Was. Bara portrayed a 
woman whose sexual instinct was unre- 
strained. She seduced a diplomat, lured 
him away from wife and family, then dis- 
carded him. Studio press agents created 
a ridiculous biography: Theda was the 
love child of a French actress and her 
Ttalian lover. She was born in the shadow 
of the Sphinx. Her lovers died of poison 
from mysterious amulets. Theda Bara 
was an acronym for Arab Death. Publici- 
ty stills showed her kneeling over the 
skeleton of a lover, suggesting that she 
not only drained men of their vitality but 
also ate their flesh. 

Theda was actually Theodosia Good- 
man, daughter of a Cincinnati tailor. But 
America remembers the character creat- 
ed by the willing press. In one interview 
she called her character a “vamp” (her 
first film was based on a Kipling poem 
called The Vampire, and the shortened 
version stuck as a nickname). According 
to biographer Eve Golden, “Until 1915, 
a vamp was either a piece of stage busi- 
ness or music done over and over be- 
tween acts (to ‘vamp until ready’). But by 
the end of 1915, the word had entered 
the American vocabulary as a woman 
who uses her charms and wiles to seduce 
and exploit men.” 

Theda became the screen's first sex 
star. It was so implausible. One critic 
commented that Bara “had a maternal 
figure. She was, in fact, remarkably like 
a suburban housewife circa World War 
One, bitten by the glamour bug into 
imagining herself a supreme seductress 
of men, and by some weird turn of fate 
succeeding at it.” 

“She was the first popular star whose 
primary attraction was her sexuality,” 
note film historians Jeremy Pascal and 
Clyde Jeavons. “She proved conclusively 
that audiences paid vast sums of money 
to see women projecting a highly sexual 
image. She showed that true sex symbols 
have a bisexual appeal in that they at- 
tract equally the fantasies of the opposite 
sex and the vanity of their own. Men 


Time CAPSULE 


RAW DATA FROM 1910-1919 


FIRST APPEARANCES 

Father's Day. Good Housekeeping 
Seal of Approval. Women’s Wear Daily. 
Neon lights. Trench coats. The Mann 
Act. Lipstick. Keystone Cops. Mack 
Sennett Bathing Beauties. Eight-hour 
workday. Parachutes. Girl Scouts of 
America. Peppermint Life Savers. 
Camel cigarettes. Erector set. Manu- 
facturing assembly line. Birth-control 
clinic. Aspirin tablets. Windshield 
wipers. Kotex sanitary napkins. Dial 
telephones. The Piltdown man (the 
supposed missing link). Selective Ser- 
vice Act. Gas mask. Feature film. Stag 
film. Sex education, The Talon slide 
fastener (zipper). Traffic lights. Jazz 
records. Tarzan. Jane. 


DANCE CRAZE 

Sentence imposed on a Paterson, 
New Jersey woman who was found 
guilty of dancing the turkey trot: 50 
days or $25. 

Number of female employees of 
Ladies’ Home Journal fired for dancing 
at lunchtime: 15. 

On any given night in 1911, num- 
ber of young people who attend 
dancehalls in Chicago: 86,000. 

Sign at a popular nightclub: “Do 
not wiggle the shoulders. Do not 
shake the hips. Do not twist the body. 
Do not fiounce the elbows. Do not 
pump the arms. Do not hop—glide 
instead. Avoid low, fantastic and acro- 
batic dips." 


MOVIE MADNESS 

Number of Americans attending 
movies each week in 1910: 26 million. 

First feature film shot in Holly- 
wood: The Squaw Man. Charlie Chap- 
lin's first full-length comedy: Tillie’s 
Punctured Romance. Most popular se- 
rial, in which heroine escaped weekly 
from "a fate worse than death": The 
Perils of Pauline. First serious feature 
film: The Birth of a Nation. 

Weekly salary that was received by 
Theda Bara during 1914 filming of A 
Fool There Was: $150. Amount film 
studio grossed in 1915: $3 million. 
Weekly salary received by Theda in 
1919: $4000. 


WHO's HOT 
Charlie Chaplin. Douglas Fair- 
banks. Mary Pickford. Lillian Gish. 
D.W. Griffith. Irving Berlin. George 
M. Cohan. Ty Cobb. Florenz Ziegfeld. 
Eddie Cantor. Will Rogers. Jim 


America’s favorite dance team: the Castles. 


Thorpe. Bert Williams. The Original 
Dixicland Jazz Band. Jelly Roll Mor- 
ton, Jack Dempsey. 


BIRTH OF A NATION 

Population of the U.S. in 1910: 
92 million. Population of the U.S. in 
1920: 105 million. 

Life expectancy by the end of the 
decade: Male: 53.6 years. Female: 
54.6 years. 

Number of children that a healthy 
woman living in wedlock should 
have, as estimated by the Vice Com- 
mission of Chicago: 10. 

Number of women who visited 
Margaret Sanger’s birth-control clinic 
in nine days in 1916: 464. 


QUID PRO QUO 

In 1912 corset makers in Kalama- 
zoo, Michigan went on strike to pro- 
test the behavior of supervisors, who 
regularly suggested to female work- 
ers that they trade sexual favors for 
sewing thread. The strikers were 
arrested. 


MONEY MATTERS 

Gross national product in 1910: 
$35.3 billion. GNP in 1919: $84 bil- 
lion. Average daily wage at Henry 
Ford’s plant, as of 1914: $5. Average 
daily wage for auto workers not em- 
ployed by Ford: $2.40. Weekly wage a 
man should carn before daring to 


date, according to a 1919 Chicago 
newspaper headline: $18. 

Estimated amount a woman need- 
ed to earn per week to lead a virtuous 
life: $10. Average weekly wage of a 
woman in 1910: $6. 

Price of a portable vibrator (with at- 
tachments), advertised in the 1918 
Sears catalog as “very useful and satis- 
factory for home service”: $5.95. 


ON THE ROAD 
Number of automobiles registered 
in the U.S. in 1912: 900,000. Number 
registered in 1919: 6.7 million. 


THE WAGES OF SIN 

Number of infants killed by syphilis 
in 1916: 73,000 (including 41,700 
stillbirths). Estimated number of 
prostitutes who died cach year as the 
result of venereal disease: 40,000. 
Number of infected prostitutes im- 
prisoned in detention homes and re- 
formatories during World War One: 
15,520. 


TAILHOOK, CIRCA 1919 

In the oddest sexual scandal of the 
decade, the Naval Training Station in 
Newport, Rhode Island sends a 
squad of enlisted men into local bars 
to associate with “sexual perverts.” 
The decoys—in the name of duty— 
willingly accept blow jobs. The subse- 
quent trials prove to be an embarrass- 
ment. According to Colin Spencer, 
author of Homosexuality in History: 
“The decoys were asked how much 
sexual pleasure they had experi- 
enced. One protested, saying he was 
a man and if someone touched his 
cock, then it got erect and he could 
not do anything about it.” 


FINAL APPEARANCES 

1911: Carry Nation. Anti-alcohol 
crusader finally buries hatchet. 

1912: The Titanic. “Unsinkable” 
luxury liner strikes iceberg on maid- 
en voyage. Captain orders, “Women 
and children first.” Only 711 of 2224 
passengers survive. 

1914: Archduke Francis Ferdinand 
of Austria. Assassination begins World 
War One. 

1915: Anthony Comstock. Puritan 
crusader catches cold. 

1917: Mata Hari. Seductive beauty 
executed for espionage. Storyville. 
Red-light district in New Orleans 
closed by secretary of war. 


SEX AND CENSORSHIP 


In 1913 D.H. Lawrence handed 
in the manuscript for Sons and 
Lovers. A New York Times review of 
the published book warned that 
the relations between Paul Morel 
and his lover Clara "are portrayed 
with absolute frankness." If the 
Times had only known. Edward 
Garnett, Lawrence's editor, had al- 
ready cut it by ten ent. 

"He could smell her faint natur- 
al perfume" became "He could 
smell her faint perfume." 

A scene that read: “He sat up 
and looked at the room in the 
darkness. Then he realized that 
there was a pair of her stockings 
on a chair. He got up stealthily and 
put them on himself. Then he sat 
still and knew he would have to 
have her. After that he sat erect on 
the bed, his feet doubled under 
him, perfectly motionless, listen- 
ing,” became: “He sat up and 
looked at the room in the dark- 
ness, his feet doubled under him, 
perfectly motionless, listening." 


adored, women emulated." 

But the role proved a trap. Once a 
vamp, always a vamp. Bara's popularity 
lasted for more than 40 films, but by 
decade's end the public would üre of the 
seductress. 

Still, her effect reached far beyond the 
screen. Fitzgerald charted the evolution- 
ary change in women in This Side of Far- 
adise: “The belle had become the flirt, 
the flirt had become the baby vamp.” 

The birth of the fan magazine allowed 
women stars to talk about traditional 
women's roles through a safe layer. Lil- 
lian Gish, an actress who epitomized in- 
nocence in films by D.W. Griffith, would 
grumble: “Virgins are the hardest roles 
to play. Those dear little girls—to make 
them interesting takes great vitality, but 
a fallen woman or a vamp! Seventy-five 
percent of your work is already done.” 

As Lary May points out in Screening 
Out the Past, Bara played Cleopatra, 
Madame du Barry, Salome—" women 
whose erotic allure destroyed men who 
ruled over vast kingdoms. The vamp 


184 thus embodied the most ominous warn- 


Another passage: "The first kiss 
on her breast made him pant with 
fear. Ihe great dread, the great 
humility and the awful desire were 
nearly too much. Her breasts were 
heavy. He held one in each hand, 
like big fruits in their cups, and 
kissed them, fearfully. He was 
afraid to look at her. His hands 
went traveling over her, soft, deli- 
cate, discriminate, fearful, full of 
adoration. Suddenly he saw her 
knees and he dropped, kissing 
them passionately. She quivered. 
And then again, with his fingers 
on her sides, she quivered." 

This became, under the pen of 
editor Garnett, simply: "He was 
afraid to look at her. His hands 
went traveling over her, delicate, 
discriminate, fearful, full of adora- 
tion." Lawrence submitted to the 
edit, saying simply, “It’s got to sell, 
Гуе got to live." 

The original manuscript—cuts 
restored by Helen and Carl Bar- 
on—was finally published in 1992. 


ing of the vice crusaders: Sex could de- 
stroy the social order." 
. 


Of course, to reformers, movies posed 
a threat as great as those of dancehalls 
and brothels. “They brought the lessons 
of the red-light district to young peo- 
ple." At the end of the first decade, 
America had taken steps to screen and 
censor films. The National Board of Re- 
view, created in 1908 by Anthony Com- 
stock, labored to protect the nation's 
morals. More than 100 female volun- 
teers viewed films nonstop. According to 
one account, “During October 1914, for 
example, its members reviewed 571 
films and eliminated 75 scenes, ten reels 
and three entire movies." Comstock and 
company wanted to control more than 
behavior—they wanted to control the 
images and dreams that fascinated the 
new America. 


BLUE MOVIES 


In 1915 projectionists toured the 
country with a film called 4 Free Ride. 


Directed by A. Wise Guy and photo- 
graphed by Will B. Hard, with titles by 
Will She, Free Ride is the earliest known 
stag film. It set the low standards that 
still guide the underground film world. 
A man driving along a country road 
picks up two girls who are walking 
home. He briefly fondles their breasts, 
remarking, "What a beautiful dairy." A 
while later, he pulls off the road. 

The title card declares, “In the wide 
open spaces, where men are men and 
girls will be girls, the hills are full of ro- 
mance and adventure." The sex that fol- 
lows is, to the modern eye, hilarious. 
One girl lifts her skirt and rubs her vagi- 
na. The man fondles the other girl while 
she wrestles his penis through a button 
fly. Quick cut and she is lying on a blan- 
ket, legs spread. The man's pants are 
around his ankles, and thus hobbled, he 
takes the plunge. The second girl watch- 
es, then demands her turn. He enters 
her doggy fashion. There is no come 
shot, and the girls seem to pass out from 
pleasure. Another quick cut shows the 
man supine in the grass—still clothed. 
The girls appear sans dresses, but still in 
knee-length socks. One performs tenta- 
tive oral sex—the man artlessly grabs 
her hair and forces her head down. 
Then, according to the title card, he 
says, “Hurry up, let's get out of here.” 

A Free Ride starred the Jazz Girls. In 
the second decade, jazz didn’t just refer 
to the music; it also meant the act of sex 
itself. In a 1919 stag film called Strictly 
Union, a stagehand comes upon an aspir- 
ing actress in a changing room. As the 
hour hand spins on the clock, having 
tried oral sex and anal sex, he promises, 
“ГЇЇ give you a regular jazz.” At the end 
of the film, after the stagehand punches 
a time clock and retires from the field, 
the woman complains, “Gee, I wish I 
could get a man with some pep.” 

The traveling projectionist played his 
images on the walls of local smokers— 
clubs where small-town businessmen 
gathered—and at college fraternity hous- 
es. As red-light districts disappeared, 
these films would act as sex education 
and a safe rite of passage for young men. 
For older men, this allowed them to share 
sex with their buddies—a form of extra- 
marital sex that did not involve a visit to 
a brothel. For college students the films 
provided a clear look at sex—French 
postcards set in motion. Years later, his- 
torians would say that the “films re- 
vealed graphically what it was difficult to 
see in the dark confines of the backseat.” 
The films also reinforced the obsessive 
myths of male sexual fantasy: “A real 
man can have any woman, all women 
want to be dominated sexually, sex can 
happen any time, anywhere, and human 
beings are universal sexual tinder.” 


WHITE SLAVERY REVISITED 


On June 25, 1910 President William 
Howard Taft signed into law the White- 


Hum 


LIFE IS HARSH Ў 


Your teguila shouldnt be 


SAUZA “CONMEMORATIVO.” THE SMOOTHER, OAK-AGED TEQUILA. 


PLAYBOY 


136 


Slave-Traffic Act. Named for its sponsor 
in Congress, the Mann Act stated: 


"That any person who shall know- 
ingly transport or cause to be trans- 
ported, or aid or assist in obtaining 
transportation for, or in transport- 
ing, any woman or girl for the pur- 
pose of prostitution or debauchery, 
or for any other immoral purpose, 
or with the intent and purpose to 
induce, entice or compel such 
woman or girl to become a prosti- 
tute, or to give herself up to de- 
bauchery, or to engage in any other 
immoral practice shall be punished 
bya fine not exceeding $5000, or by 
imprisonment of not more than five 
years, or by both such fine and im- 
prisonment, in the discretion of the 
court. 


In Crossing Over the Line, legal scholar 
David Langum presents evidence of 
Congress' original intent. The bill was 
aimed at the criminal traffic in women, 
the huge and mythical vice trust. But it 
also served as a rallying point for the so- 
cial purity movement. As one supporter 
argued, those in favor of the bill includ- 
ed "every pure woman in the land, every 
priest and ister of the living God, 
and men who reverence womanhood 


and who set a priceless value upon fe- 
male purity.” On the other side of the 
bill, “you would find all the whoremon- 
gers and the pimps and the procurers 
and the keepers of bawdy houses. Upon 
that other side you would find all those 
who hate God and scoff at innocence 
and laugh at female virtue.” 

In the face of such rhetoric, who could 
vote against that bill? 

The moral panic was in full bloom. The 
New York Times proclaimed, “There is a 
white-slave traffic.” The San Francisco Ex- 
aminer came up with the feverish figure: 
“Slavers Kidnap 60,000 Women Each 
Year.” Reformers plastered various cities 
with posters that screamed: “Danger! 
Mothers beware! Sixty thousand inno- 
cent girls wanted to take the place of 
60,000 white slaves who will die this year 
in the 0.51” 

Reginald Kauffman’s House of Bondage 
was a best-selling novel. Two white-slav- 
ery plays—The Lure and The Flight— 
opened on Broadway. Movie theaters 
drew throngs of people to Traffic in Souls 
in 1913. The movie played simultane- 
ously in 28 theaters in New York City, 
grossing $450,000. 

America was suddenly afraid for its 
daughters. Stanley Finch, one of the first 
heads of the Bureau of Investigation, 


“Yes, I admit it, I fantasize about 
other men in bed. But if it makes you feel any beiter, they 
don’t satisfy me either.” 


used the hysteria to build a personal fief- 
dom within the federal government. Af- 
ter he became Special Commissioner for 
the Suppression of White Slavery, he 
told audiences: 


Itis a fact that there are now scat- 
tered throughout practically every 
section of the U.S. a vast number of 
men and women whose sole occupa- 
tion consists in enticing, tricking or 
coercing young women and girls in- 
to immoral lives. Moreover, their 
methods have been so far developed 
and perfected that they seem to be 
able to ensnare almost any woman 
or girl whom they select for the pur- 
pose. This is indeed an extraordi- 
nary statement, and one almost 
passing belief, but that it is absolute- 
ly true no one can honestly doubt 
who reviews any considerable por- 
tion of the mass of evidence which 
is already in the possession of the 
Attorney General’s Bureau of 
Investigation. 


‘There was only one problem: No one 
could find a widespread, organized 
traffic in white slaves. 

Investigators at the time interviewed 
1106 street prostitutes and found six 
who claimed white slavery was the cause 
of their entry into prostitution. The Vice 
Commission of Chicago looked at 2241 
juvenile delinquents (i.c., sexually active 
females) and found 107 self-described 
victims of white slavery. 

Clearly, relatively few women were be- 
ing forced into prostitution by white 
slavers. Some reformers looked at eco- 
nomic forces, even calculating the exact 
dollar value of purity. A woman could 
support herself without falling into sin if 
she made $8 to $10 a week. Unfortu- 
nately, most working girls—in factories, 
shops and offices—earned wages of $6 
per week. 

Suffragists used prostitution to argue 
for economic equality and a minimum 
wage for women, but they also recog- 
nized the emotional appeal of the white- 
slave myth. As one suffragist put it: “Re- 
member, ladies, it is more important to 
be aroused than tobe accurate. Apathy is 
more of a crime than exaggeration in 
dealing with this subject.” 

The Bureau of Investigation created a 
directory of brothels. Agents interviewed 
prostitutes, attempting to identify those 
being held against their will. They would 
report the arrival of prostitutes from 
other states. But the paperwork and 
moral accounting lacked the passion of 
a crusade. The national press began to 
express doubts that white slavery was 
more than hype and hysteria. Gongress 
weighed cutting funds for the new bu- 
reau. Fearing a lost opportunity, a co- 
alition of religious leaders called the 
World's Purity Association demanded 
greater appropriations. 

In 1913 a minor scandal erupted 


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137 


Tin Pan Alley 


TUNES OF THE TIMES 


In My Merry Oldsmo- 
bile * Hed Have to Get. 
Under, Get Out and Get 
Under * Come, Josephine, 
in My Flying Machine * 
Wait Till You Get Them 
up in the Air, Boys 
г 


Let Me Call You 
Sweetheart * I Want a 
Girl (Just Like the Girl 
That Married Dear Old 
Dad) * If You Were 
the Only Girl in the 
World * A Pretty Girl 
Is Like а Melody * 
Oh, You Beautiful 
Doll 


T 
There's a Broken 
Heart for Every Light on 
Broadway * Heaven Will 
Protect the Working Girl 
> Poor Buterfty 
T 


Everybody's Doin’ It 
Now * If You Talk in 
Your Sleep, Don't Men- 
tion My Name * Naugh- 
ty, Naughty, Naughty * 
Ballin’ the Jack * At the 


when a press release of suspect origin 
suggested that Attorney General James 
McReynolds had “issued instructions 
that no man is to be indicted and prose- 
cuted [under the Mann Act] unless it is 
shown that he shared in the earnings of 
the woman.” 

The attorney general denied author- 
ship of the memo, which seemed to tar- 
get only pimps. But the damage was 
done. As David Langum points out, the 
church groups went wild: 


For the next eight months, 
church and purity groups de- 
nounced a directive that never had 
been made and in the process 
moved the federal government 
more and more toward a policy of 
vigorous prosecution of noncom- 
mercial violations. The Chicago 
Church Federation Council re- 
solved on September 29, 1913 to 
“call upon Christian churches and 
reform organizations and all men 
who desire the safety of our homes 
and upon all good women and 
women’s organizations to support 
this law in its prohibition of de- 
bauchery, whether for gain or for 
personal indulgence, and we pro- 
test the weakening of the Mann Act 


Devil’s Ball * Do It 
Again * Ain't Gonna 
Give Nobody None of 
This Jelly Roll 


n 
Alexander's Ragtime 
Band * Гое Got to 
Dance * Ragtime 
Cowboy Joe * 


12th Street Rag * St. 
Louis Blues * Darktoum. 
Strutiers’ Ball 


г 
There's a Little Bit of 
Bad in Every Good Little 
Girl * The Vamp * What 
Do You Want to Make 
Those Eyes at Me For? * 
1 Want a Daddy Who 
Will Rock Me to Sleep 
2 


I Didn't Raise My Boy 
to Be a Soldier * Over 
There * Goodbye Broad- 
way, Hello France * If 
He Can Fight Like He 
Can Love, Goodnight 
Germany * Would You 
Rather Be а Colonel 
With an Edgle on Your 
Shoulder or а Private 
With a Chicken on 
Your Knee? * The 
Rose of No Man's 
Land * A Good Man 
Is Hard to Find * How 
їй Gonna Keep 'Em 
Down on the Farm (After 
They've Seen Paree)? * 
Somebody Stole My Gal 
er 


Prohibition Blues * 
What Are We Going to 
Do ona Saturday Night? 
(When the Town Goes 
Dry) * When the Moon 
Shines on the Moonshine 
* T'U See You in C-U-B-A 


г 
You Amt Heard Noth- 
in’ Yet 
D 


for the cvil gratification of influen- 
tial men." 


"The purity movement demanded that 
the law be used to punish “personal es- 
capades." The movement had its law 
and a national sex police, and it wanted 
action. But a law designed for one pur- 
pose—the elimination of white slavery— 
was also subverted for another. 

Jack Johnson, born in Texas in 1878, 
was the first black boxer to win the 
heavyweight championship of the world 
In a bout fought in Reno on July 4, 
1910, he knocked out Jim Jeffries in the 
15th round. He became the most hated 
man in America—as one writer noted, 
“no longer the respectful darky, hat in 
hand.” He had defeated a white man. 
Not entirely coincidentally, in the after- 
math of the fight, race riots swept the 
country. 

Johnson, an educated man who read 
Shakespeare and Victor Hugo, was a 
connoisseur who collected exotic cars. 
He threatened the old order in a more 
direct way—he married a white woman 
and kept several white mistresses scat- 
tered throughout the country. 

Lucille Cameron was one of the latter. 
She had come to Chicago from Min- 
neapolis, ostensibly to work at Johnson's 


Café de Champion. Cameron's mother 
reported Johnson to the feds. They ar- 
rested him in October 1912 on charges 
of abduction and violating the Mann Act. 

Cameron refused to testify against 
Johnson, and upon her release from cus- 
tody, she married the fighter. (Johnson's 
wife had committed suicide.) The case 
seemed closed, until the feds located 
Belle Schreiber, another of Johnson’s 
former mistresses, also white. The black 
fighter was convicted in 1913 and sen- 
tenced to one year in jail for transport- 
ing Schreiber for “immoral purposes.” 

With racial tension high (the governor 
of South Carolina told fellow governors 
“the black brute who lays his hands upon 
a white woman ought not to have any tri- 
al"), Johnson fled the country. (He later 
returned and served his sentence.) 

‘The law had another unanticipated 
consequence: The Mann Act created a 
whole industry of blackmailers who 
tracked wealthy men as they traveled 
with women who were not their wives. A 
member of the gang would pose as a fed- 
eral agent, flash a badge, threaten ar- 
rest—and then collect hush money. 

Women threatened reluctant suitors 
with arrest. Angry wives called on the 
state to arrest errant husbands who con- 
ducted reckless affairs. 

Consider the case of Drew Caminetti 
and Maury Diggs. In 1912, the two Cali- 
fornians, both married, both the sons of 
wealthy parents, became captivated by a 
pair of young single women. The four- 
some ricocheted around the Sacramento 
area in an automobile, visiting road- 
houses and haying amorous picnics in 
the countryside and “champagne orgies” 
in their offices. As a result of their es- 
capades, the four achieved an inevitable 
notoriety. In 1913, trying to avoid angry 
spouses and family members, the two 
men and their mistresses boarded a train 
in Sacramento. They crossed the state 
line into Nevada and took rooms in 
Reno. Four days later the men were ar- 
rested under the Mann Act. 

The case went all the way to the 
Supreme Court. Did the statute's lan- 
guage—“debauchery” or “any other im- 
moral purpose"— cover noncommerci; 
sex? The court decided it did: “The 
prostitute may, in the popular sense, be 
more degraded in character than the 
concubine, but the latter nonetheless 
must be held to lcad an immoral life, if 
any regard whatever be had to the views 
that are almost universally held in this 
country as to the relations which may 
rightfully, from the standpoint of moral- 
ity, exist between man and woman in the 
matter of sexual intercourse.” 

Crossing state lines was not what mat- 
tered—it was crossing the line that keeps 
sex within marriage. The Mann Act 
sought ro limit the movement of emanci- 
pated women, though mostly men were 
prosecuted. It was a direct challenge to 
the phenomenon of the automobile. 


The Free Ride depicted in America's 
first stag film was now, and for decades 
to come, threatened by federal law. 


SEX AND DRUGS 


The moral panic surrounding the 
white-slave traffic extended into other 
areas associated with vice. Reformers 
noted that cocaine and morphine were 
connected with prostitution and the new 
nightlife. "Society requires late hours," 
explained one frequenter of nightclubs 
and cabarets. 

Н. Wayne Morgan's Drugs in America: 
A Social History, 1800-1980 presents this 
testimony to Congress from a member of 
the Philadelphia pharmaceutical board, 
on the dangers of cocaine: 


The colored people seem to have 
a weakness for it. It is a very seduc- 
tive drug and it produces extreme 
exhilaration. Persons under the 
influence of it believe they are mil- 
lionaires. They have an exaggerated 
ego. They imagine they can lift this 
building if they want to, or can do 
anything they want to. They have 
no regard for right or wrong. It 
produces a kind of temporary in- 
sanity. They would just as leave rape 
a woman as anything else, and a 
great many of the Southern rape 
cases have been traced to cocaine. 


Another committee heard that women 
were especially susceptible to the drug: 
“The police officers of these question- 
able districts tell us that the habitués are 
made madly wild by cocaine.” 

Concern was not limited to drugs. The 
Harrison Narcotic Act of 1914 and the 
Volstead Act of 1919 were largely at- 
tempts to remove all of the lubricants of 
vice. The Volstead Act was fueled by tes- 
timony from social workers about fallen 
girls whose ruination was summed up in 
onc sentence: “I had a few drinks, then 1 
don't remember what happened next.” 

Nothing shows the overlap between 
social purity groups, suffragists and tem- 
perance unions more than the phenom- 
enon of dry states. Where women first 
got the vote—in Western states—prohi- 
bition immediately followed. 


COMSTOCK AND THE WOMEN OF 


GREENWICH VILLAGE 


If the dancehalls and movie theaters 
were creating a new kind of American 
woman, so were the salons and saloons 
of New York's Greenwich Village. Artists 
were struggling with personal freedom. 
Alfred Stieglitz, 2 photographer who ran 
the gallery 291, shocked his fellows by 
photographing his wife, painter Georgia 
O'Keeffe, in the throes of orgasm. An art 
show at the New York Armory had just 
introduced America to the work of Picas- 
so and Marcel Duchamp. 

Anthony Comstock, secretary of the 
New York Society for the Suppression of 
Vice, viewed art as another of Satan's 


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123 Mur Sula 


In 1913 Eugéne Brieux's 
play Damaged Goods opens on 
Broadway. The drama (turned 
into a movie in 1915) charts the 
downfall of a man infected with 
syphilis who passes the discase 
to his wife, his newborn child 
and a wet nurse. The outraged 
father of the bride, a lawmaker 
named Loches, confronts the 
man’s physician, who responds: 

DOCTOR: Well, there is one 
last argument, which, since I 
must, I will put to you. Are you 
yourself vithout sin, that you 
are so relentless to others? 

LOCHES: I have never had any 
shameful disease, sir! 

DOCTOR: I was not asking you 
that. I was asking you if you 
had never exposed yourself to 
catching one. [He pauses. Loches 
does not reply.) Ah, you see! Then 
it is not virtue that has saved 
you; it is luck. Few things exas- 
perate me more than that term 
"shameful disease," which you 
used just now. This disease is 
like all other diseases: It is one 
of our afflictions. There is no 
shame in being wretched— 
even if one deserves to be so. 
Come, come, let us have a little 
plain speaking! I should like to 
know how many of these rigid 
moralists, who are so choked 
with their middle-class prudery 
that they dare not mention the 
name syphilis, or when they 
bring themselves to speak of it. 
do so with expressions of every 
sort of disgust, and treat its vic- 
tims as criminals, have never 
run the risk of contracting it 
themselves! It is those alone 
who have the right to talk. How 
many do you think there are? 
Four out of a thousand? Well, 
leave those four aside: Between 
all the rest and those who catch 
the disease, there is no differ- 
ence but chance. 


traps. While the public seemed to sup- 
port his attempts to ban obscene books, 
it began to view Comstock as unsophi: 
cated and an embarrassment when it 
came to art. In 1906 he had arrested a 
young woman who worked for the Art 
Students’ League for sending him a cat- 
alog containing a study of nudes. A sub- 
sequent flurry of satirical cartoons made 
Comstock the butt of jokes and almost 
cost him his position as special agent for 
the Post Office, When Comstock protest- 
ed a play about prostitution written by 
George Bernard Shaw, the playwright 
coined the term “comstockery” to indi- 
cate such censorship. ‘The controversy 
surrounding Mrs. Warren's Profession as- 
sured its success. In fact, the seal of Com- 
stock’s disapproval became a mark of 
distinction in society. 

In 1912 the Paris Spring Salon award- 
ed a medal of honor to artist Paul 
Chabas for his painting September Mom. 
In May 1913 a manager put a copy of 
the innocent nude in the west window of 
Braun and Co., on West 46th Street in 
New York. Comstock called the store 
and ordered the picture removed. “It is 
nota proper picture to be shown to boys 
and girls," he said. "There is nothing 
more sacred than the form of a woman, 
but it must not be denuded. I think 
everyone will agree with me that such 
pictures should not be displayed where 
schoolchildren passing through the 
Streets can see them." 

"The manager refused to remove the 
picture and, indeed, kept it in the win- 
dow for two weeks, until he realized that 
the crowd gathering daily kept cus- 
tomers away. The print sold millions of 
copies. September Morn became the flag of 
the new freedom. 

In his annual report to the society, 
Comstock wrote about his campaign 
against paintings "which had been ex- 
hibited in the saloons of Paris." 

"Thanks to Dr. Freud, we have a term. 
for such a revealing slip. 

Comstock was a clown to the art 
world, but he was a serious threat to in- 
dividuals fomenting change. He kept his 
own enemies list, and if someone 
mocked him, he or she would have rea- 
son to fear. 

In Greenwich Village, anarchist Em- 
ma Goldman, born in Russia in 1869, 
was an articulate champion for the new 
woman—and a harsh critic of the old or- 
der. She had heard Freud speak at Clark 
University and had taken to heart his 
message that too much repression was 
destructive. Goldman discussed free love 
from a libertarian position: Individuals 
had the right to choose sexual partners 
on the basis of Jove, not law, She viewed 
marriage as a form of prostitution. “It is 
merely a situation of degree whether she 
sells herself to one man, in one mar- 
riage, or to many men.” 

Goldman argued for contraception— 
not as means to weed out imbeciles and 


madmen, as most social Darwinists and 
eugenicists wanted, but simply as a way 
to free women from the trap of biology. 
Yet, when she wrote letters to her long- 
time lover, Ben Reitinan, she had to use 
a code for fear of giving Comstock cause 
to arrest her. 

Candace Falk, author of Love, Anarchy 
and Emma Goldman, gives a sample of the 
code: “Skirting the laws prohibiting ob- 
scenity in the mails, they relished the 
defiance of their euphemisms and ab- 
breviations. From the few times that they 
dared spell out their code, it can be dedi- 
phered. Her treasure box longed for his 
Willie, and she longed to have his face 
between her joy mountains—Mount 
Blanc and Mount Jura. She wanted to 
suck the head of his fountain of life 
which stood over her like a mighty 
specter. Both lovers reveled in an orally 
focused sex that particularly emphasized 
clitoral-area stimulation. She once 
wrote, ‘I press you to my body dose with 
my hot burning legs. 1 embrace your 
precious head." 

Another quote: “But one condition I 
must make: No whiskers, no, the t-b can- 
not stand for that.” 

е 


Into this radical environment came 
Margaret Sanger, a former nurse and 
mother of three. Goldman gave her the 
works of pioneer sexologist Havelock El- 
lis to digest. Soon Sanger was holding 
forth on the beauties of sex and orgasm. 
at Mabel Dodge's Greenwich Village sa- 
lon, listening to other radicals attack the 
slavery of marriage. 

At the request ofa fellow radical orga- 
nizer, Sanger started lecturing workers" 
groups on the facts of life. She later col- 
lected this information in 2 pamphlet 
called What Every Girl Should Know. What 
she preached would bring her the un- 
wanted attention of Anthony Comstock. 

‘To demonstrate how radical was Mar- 
garet Sanger's frank discussion of sex, 
consider how Good Housekeeping suggest- 
ed imparting the facts of life to a teenag- 
er: “Mother and Father love each other 
very much. All our friends know that. 
Where love is there God is, and God 
wants little ones to be. When God wants 
to send a little child into a home, he fits 
up just beneath the mother's heart a 
snug nest not unlike the nests birds live 
in. Then out of two tiny eggs the father 
and mother bring together in the nest, a 
little child is hatched just like a little bird. 
It is all very wonderful. No fairy tale is 
half so beautiful. And best of all, the sto- 
ry is true, every word of it.” 

Sanger was aware that birth was not a 
fairy tale. In 1912 she attended a poor 
patient, Sadie Sacks, who was recovering 
from trying to abort her umpteenth 
pregnancy. Sanger listened as the wom- 
an pleaded with a doctor for information 
on how to prevent conception. “Oh ho,” 
laughed the doctor. “You want your cake 


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can't be done. ГЇЇ tell you the only sure 
thing to do. Tell Jake to sleep on the 
roof.” 

Three months later the telephone 
rang. Sadie Sacks was dying. Finding 
herself pregnant, she had tried again to 
self-abort. She died within ten minutes 
of Sanger's arrival 

Sanger says that on that night she 
vowed to fight abortion by finding ways 
of controlling conception. 

She attempted in 1912 to serialize 
What Every Girl Should Know in the Call, a 
radical newsletter published by friends 
in the Village. When the editors told 
readers that the final installment would 
discuss venereal disease, the line was 
crossed. Comstock ordered the Post 
Office to revoke the Call's mailing permit 
if it ran the article. 

In exasperation Sanger wrote a three- 
line replacement: 

“What Every Girl Should Know— 
Nothing. 

“By Order of the Post Office.” 

What Every Girl Should Know may have 
been radical, but it was also a reflection 
of the prejudice of the time, in some 
ways no different than the vile antimas- 
turbation handbooks of the turn of the 
century. 

“Let us take a sane and logical view of 
this subject,” Sanger wrote. “In my per- 
sonal experience as a trained nurse 
while attending persons afflicted with 
various and often revolting diseases, no 
matter what their ailments, ] never 
found anyone so repulsive as the chron- 
ic masturbator." 

She then tells of a young boy she had 
attended during a bout of measles. She 
discovers that he is a masturbator, and 
considers it a triumph when, after she 
has given him a lecture, he asks his 
brother to tie his hands to the bedpost 
during the night to help him overcome 
his struggle. 

Sanger, revealing a prejudice against 
male desire, warned against a specific 
danger: 


In the boy or girl past puberty we 
find one of the most dangerous 
forms of masturbation, i.e., mental 
masturbation, which consists of 
forming mental pictures or thinking 
of obscene or voluptuous pictures. 
This form is considered especially 
harmful to the brain, for the habit 
becomes so fixed that it is almost im- 
possible to free the thoughts from 
lustful pictures. Every girl should 
guard against the man who invari- 
ably turns a word or sentence into a 
lustful or, commonly termed, smut- 
ty channel, for nine times out of ten 
he is a mental masturbator. 


Other self-appointed sex experts at 
the time called flirtation “a form of mu- 
tual onanism.” 

Sanger’s discomfort with male sexual- 


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141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


ity was about to undergo a radical 
change. She vacationed in Province- 
town, Massachusetts and socialized with 
the artists who made up the Province- 
town Players. Her circle of friends in- 
cluded John Reed, the journalist who 
later covered the Russian revolution. 
She began to experiment with the free- 
love theory espoused by her friends— 
more on principle than desire, it would 
seem. She took lovers. When her hus- 
band, William, objected, she told him to 
take mistresses of his own. He refused, 
writing her: “I will let my name be asso- 
ciated with no other woman. I would be 
amiss to all the fine emotion that surges 
within me if I fell from grace. It cannot 
be, that's all. I still hold that intercourse 
is not to be classed with a square meal, to 
be partaken of at will, irrespective of the 
consequences. You speak, dear love, that 
in our life together you have given me 
the best and deepest love—yes, and 1 
have felt it—that you were the only 
woman who cared to understand me. 
But you have advanced sexually—you 
once said that you need to be in different 
relations (with men) as a service for the 
women of your time, To all this I have no 
answer.” 

In 1913 Sanger raised money to start 


her own newsletter, The Woman Rebel. 
She promised subscribers that the paper 
would deliver facts about the prevention 
of conception. 

At one Village meeting, a writer 
named Robert Parker suggested she call 
her issue “birth control.” She took the 
words as her own. 

On August 25, 1914 two agents from 
the federal government arrived to tell 
her that she had violated the Comstock 
Act. Four issues of Woman Rebel had been 
suppressed; seven separate articles had 
been deemed obscene. Sanger faced 45 
years in prison. Planning to leave the 
country rather than appear in court, she 
printed a pamphlet called Family Limita- 
tion, outlining what she knew of birth 
control. The text is a straightforward de- 
scription of condoms, pessaries, douches 
and spermicidal suppositories. Her com- 
ments about the pleasure of sex are lim- 
ited to: “A mutual and satisfied sexual 
act is of great benefit to the average 
woman, the magnetism of it is health- 
giving.” Failure to give a woman an or- 
gasm might lead to a “disease of her gen- 
erative organs, besides giving her a 
horror and repulsion for the sexual act.” 

For Sanger, birth control was a libera- 
tion from sexual slavery—the duty to 


“Im very flattered, really, but can I take a rain check?" 


procreate. She told the poor: “While it 
may be troublesome to get up to douche, 
and a nuisance to have to watch the date 
of the menstrual period, and to some it 
may seem sordid and inartistic to inserta 
pessary or a suppository in anticipation 
of the sexual act, it may be far more sor- 
did and the condition far worse than 
inartistic a few years later for the mother 
to find herself burdened down with half 
a dozen accidental children, unwanted, 
helpless, shoddily clothed, sometimes 
starved or undernourished, dragging at 
her skirt, while she becomes a worn-out 
shadow of the woman she once was." 

Sanger arranged to have Family Limita- 
tion privately printed, 100,000 copies, to 
be sold for 25 cents apiece. Rather than 
face trial, she took a train to Canada and, 
armed with a false passport, made her 
way to England. 

Comstock would not be deterred. He 
ordered a decoy to pose as 2 woman in 
distress. The agent called on William 
Sanger and asked for a copy of the pam- 
phlet. Arrest followed immediately, 
along with a suggestion that if William 
would tell the whereabouts of the au- 
thor, he would go free. 

William refused. He went to trial, was 
found guilty of distributing obscene lit- 
erature and was sentenced to 30 days by 
a judge who thundered: “Persons like 
you who circulate such pamphlets are a 
menace to society. There are too many 
now who believe it is a crime to have chil- 
dren. If some of the women who are go- 
ing around advocating equal suffrage 
would go around and advocate women 
having children, they would doa greater 
service. Your crime violates not only the 
laws of the state but also the laws 
of God.” 

In England, Margaret Sanger met 
Havelock Ellis. She was 31, he was 55. 
He became a mentor. He told her to fo- 
cus on one cause—birth control—and 
directed her research in the British Mu- 
seum. The two became lifelong friends, 
possibly lovers. 

She traveled from England to Holland 
and Spain before finally returning to 
the U.S. As a result of publicity, the 
atmosphere had changed. She succced- 
cd in having the charges against her 
dismissed. 

Comstock had died from pneumo- 
nia—reportedly from a chill caught at 
William Sanger's trial. It was the end of 
an era—or so it seemed. Comstock was 
gone, but his laws were still on the books, 
and there were still many zealots willin, 
to persecute the unwary. Police arrested 
Emma Goldman for delivering lectures 
on “a medical question.” Ben Reitman 
was arrested for merely announcing he 
would distribute a pamphlet on birth 
control. 

In 1916 Sanger opened the first U.S. 
birth-control clinic, in Brooklyn. Staffed 
by her sister and a co-worker named Fa- 
nia Mindell, the clinic dispensed advice 


to the hundreds of women who lined up. 
It remained open ten days. A police de- 
coy asked for information, The next day 
three plainclothesmen from the vice 
squad arrived and arrested all three 
women. Sanger went to trial and re- 
ccived a sentence of 30 days in the work- 
house. Upon her release, she was picked 
up by a limousine and taken to a lun- 
chcon of influential women. She had be- 
come a national figure. The cause of 
birth control had a martyr and a bible. 
Family Limitation would be translated i 
to 13 languages; some 10 million cop- 
ics would be distributed over the next 
few years. 


THE GREAT WAR 


America was undergoing a great social 
upheaval, but Europe was engaged in a 
bloodbath. Separated by an ocean, 
America wrapped itself in isolationism. 
That changed with the sinking of the 
Lusitania. On April 2, 1917 President 
Woodrow Wilson called on Congress to 
declare war against Germany: "We have 
no selfish ends to serve. We desire no 
conquest, no dominion." This was the 
war that would make the world safe for 
democracy. On the recruiting posters 
that followed, Democracy was often de- 
picted as a vulnerable, fiag-draped wom- 
anin thearms of Unde Sam. On a single 
day, 10 million American men registered 
for the draft. 

The war also represented a great op- 
portunity for women. Thousands en- 
tered the armed forces; a million more 
took factory jobs. Fashions changed al- 
most immediately; soon there were as 
many women visiting barbershops as 
there had been men. (Historian Mark 
Sullivan pointed out that nurses found 
long hair couldn't be tended in the 
trenches, while women working in am- 
munition factories found that long hair 
attracted gunpowder dust.) Women 
even donated the metal strips from their 
corsets—enough steel, it was said, to 
build two battleships. 

The war put steel into the suffragist 
movement. President Wilson became a 
champion of woman's suffrage, appeal- 
ing to Congress to pass a resolution fora 
Woman's Suffrage Amendment: 


The strange revelations of this 
war having made many things new 
and plain to governments as well as 
to peoples, are we alone to ask and 
take the utmost that our women can 
give, service and sacrifice of every 
Kind, and still say that we do not see 
that they merit the title that gives 
them the right to stand by our side 
in the guidance of the affairs of their 
nation and ours? We have made 
partners of the women in this war. 


The war provoked a puritan crisis. It 
achieved in a matter of months what the 


antivice crusade had struggled toward 
for more than a decade. In 1917 Secre- 
tary of War Newton Baker ordered the 
closing of all bawdy houses within five 
miles of a naval base. New Orleans’ Sto- 
ryville was shuttered; the Barbary Coast 
in San Francisco had received the same 
treatment earlier. Baker banned the sale 
of alcohol on military bases. Local purity 
movements forced dancehalls to close in 
town after town. 

A member of New England's Watch 
and Ward Society—the bluc-blooded 
equivalent of the New York Society for 
the Suppression of Vicc—called for the 
formation of an Army Corps of Moral 
Engineers. He got his wish. As America's 
entry into World War One drew near, 
the government turned to the social hy- 
gienists. Dr. Prince Morrow's followers— 
devoted to raising awareness about 
venereal disease—had a remarkable 
decade. They joined forces with the 
American Vigilance Association to be- 
come the American Social Hygiene Asso- 
ciation. It pushed for the suppression of 
prostitution and persuaded seven states 
to pass laws requiring blood tests before 
marriage. The ASHA enlisted the aid of 
doctors to create fear- and purity-based 
sex-education programs. 

According to Allan Brandt, author of 
No Magic Bullet: A Social History of Venere- 
al Disease im the U.S. Since 1880, resistance 
from the community was strong. In 


Chicago, for instance, the school board 
rejected one course, explaining: "While 
there are certain things children ought 
to learn, it is far better they should go 
wholly untaught than that the instruc- 
tion should be given to them outside the 
family circle. There are some kinds of 
knowledge that become poisonous when 
administered by the wrong hands, and 
sex hygiene is among them.” 

Another claimed that sex education it- 
self was an insidious form of pornogra- 
phy: “Each venercologist has met psy- 
chopaths to whom each curve in nature 
or art suggests female breasts, napes or 
genitalia. For such not even the slightest 
education would be advisable. Indeed it 
would be harmful, because every step 
thereof would to them contain lubricious 
suggestions.” 

In 1917 Secretary of War Baker creat- 
ed a Commission on Training Camp Ac- 
tivities. Information about sex that had 
once been deemed obscene would 
henceforth be policy. Reformers cele- 
brated the rise to power of the social hy- 
giene experts. “Rejoice with us that the 
growing movement for social morality i: 
showing results in this important way. 
One social hygienist noted: “The gov- 
ernment is putting into the hands of so- 
cial experts a million picked men to do 
with them in compulsory regimen, pro- 
tection and education what no so-called 
sane government would dare force upon 


“Feel around. I lost a nipple ring.” 


143 


PL ANS BION 


144 


the same men in time of peace.” 

The social experts came up with an 
avalanche of slogans. Secretary of the 
Navy Josephus Daniels proclaimed: 
"Men must live straight if they would 
shoot straight." 

The CICA wrote pamphlets such as 
Keeping Fit to Fight. They produced pho- 
to exhibits showing the “most devastat- 
ing effects of untreated syphilis: twisted 
limbs, open lesions and physical defor 
mitics." A case of gonorrhea, recruits 
were told, was more devastating than a 
German bullet. 

The CTCA had to deal with patriotic 
prostitutes, or charity girls. According to 
social workers, teenage girls flocked to 
military training camps, meeting sol- 
diers in the woods, sometimes giving 
themselves to eight soldiers in a night 
The traditional division between good 
girls and bad girls was blurred, but the 
СТСА found a new way to characterize 
sexual women: “Women who solicit sol- 
diers for immoral purposes are usual- 
ly disease spreaders and friends of the 
enemy.” 

War had a profound effect on the 
body politic, but the effect on individuals 
varied. The chaos unleashed a ragged 
sexual energy. 

Nell Kimball, owner and operator of a 
brothel in New Orleans, wrote about the 
change: 


Every man and boy wanted to 
have one last fling of screwing be- 
fore the real war got him. Every 
farm boy wanted to have one big 
fuck in a real house before he went 


off and maybe was killed. I have no- 
ticed it before, the way the idea of 
war and dying makes a man 
raunchy, and wanting to have it as 
much as he could. It wasn't really 
pleasure at times but a kind of ner- 
vous breakdown that could be treat- 
ed only with a girl between him and 
the mattress. Some were insatiable 
and wrecked themselves, and some 
just went on like the barnyard roost- 
er after every hen in sight. I 
dreamed one night the whole city 
was sinking into a lake of sperm. 


Once the Yanks arrived in Europe a 
new problem appeared. Americans came 
into direct contact with the sexual mores 
of decadent—or enlightened—Europe. 
Fliers urged: “The U.S. government is 
permitting you to go on leave, not in or- 
der that you may sow wild oats, but to give 
you an opportunity to improve your 
health, and advance your education. 

“IF you become intoxicated, associate 
with prostitutes or contract a venereal 
disease, you are guilty of a moral crime. 
Wouldn't it profit you more to purchase 
with that money a little gift for mother, 
wife, sister, or sweetheart? Do not let 
booze, a pretty face, a shapely ankle 
make you forget. The American Expedi- 
tionary Force must not take European 
disease to America. You must go home 
clean." 

But the threat of venereal infection 
was only one cause of alarm. One offi- 
cer, who sent investigators to interview 
French prostitutes and discovered that 
Americans preferred a certain sex act 


"What would you say if I asked you to marry 
me? But wait! Dont answer yet! With me, you also 
get a spacious five-room co-op on the East Side, a brand-new 
luxury sedan and two dogs. Now what would you say?" 


above all others, deplored the twisted 
impulse known as "the French way" (a 
euphemism for oral sex): "When one 
thinks of the hundreds and hundreds of 
thousands of young men who have re- 
turned to the U.S. with those new and 
degenerate ideas sapping their sources 
of selfrespect and thereby lessening 
their powers of moral resistance, one is 
indeed justified in becoming alarmed.” 


Years later, writer Malcolm Cowley 
would put the war into perspective. As 
one of the many who volunteered as a 
driver for the French army, he summed 
up his experience: “They carried us to a 
foreign country, the first that most of us 
had seen; they taught us to make love, 
stammer love, in a foreign language. 
They taught us courage, extravagance, 
fatalism, these being the virtues of men 
at war; they taught us to regard as vices 
the civilian virtues of thrift, caution and 
sobriety; they made us fear boredom 
more than death.” 

But even more important was the im- 
pact of the war on those at home: 

“The war itself was the puritan crisis 
and defeat,” he wrote. “All standards 
were relaxed in the stormy sultry war- 
time atmosphere. It wasn’t only the boys 
my age, those serving in the Army, who 
were transformed by events: Their sis- 
ters and younger brothers were affected 
1n a different fashion. With their fathers 
away, perhaps, and their mothers mak- 
ing bandages or tea-dancing with lonely 
officers, it was possible for boys and girls 
to do what they pleased. For the first 
time they could go to dances unchaper- 
oned, drive the family car and park it by 
the roadside while they made love and 
come home after midnight, a little tipsy, 
with nobody to reproach them in the 
hallway. They took advantage of these 
stolen liberties—indeed, one might say 
that the revolution in morals began as a 
middle-class children’s revolt.” 

Cowley was not absolutely correct: 
‘The puritan ethic survived the war. The 
social experts ushered in national pro- 
hibition in 1919; the federal govern- 
ment—watching the machinations of the 
Russian Revolution—deported radicals, 
many of them on trumped-up vice 
charges. A young lawyer named J. Edgar 
Hoover oversaw the expulsion of Emma 
Goldman, calling her the most danger- 
ous anarchist in America. 

But Cowley was correct in assessing 
the impact of what would be known as 
the Lost Generation, the youth who 
were the first to be raised in the modern 
age. who had never seen puritan Ameri- 
ca, who, as Fitzgerald would say, had 
“grown up to find all gods dead, all wars 
fought, all faiths in man shaken.” 


PLAYMATE HOSTS 


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PLAYBOY 


LAWRENCE SCHILLER 


(continued from page 52) 
a defense attorney? 

SCHILLER: Barry Scheck. Definitely. If he 
believes in something, he believes in it 
honestly. He doesn’t have hidden agen- 
das. He will be realistic. If he took your 
case, he'd be working. 

PLAYBOY: As opposed to? 

SCHILLER; Bailey would be out partying. 
Shapiro would be at concerts or boxing 
matches. Cochran would be out speak- 
ing about it and making enormous 
amounts of money—I think he made 
close to three quarters of a million dol- 
lars giving speeches. 

PLAYBOY: In the course of your research, 
did you interview Marcia Clark? 
SCHILLER: I never interviewed her or had 
any direct conversation with her. I 
wound up in an elevator with her once, 
on the day the Fuhrman tapes were be- 
ing played. 1 said “Hi,” but she didn't lift 
her eyes. She was going up and the ele- 
vator arrived for her. Although I was 
going down, I got on—what reporter 
wouldn't? But she never lifted her eyes 
nor her head. She never said a word 
PLAYBOY: Is she responsible for the not- 
guilty verdict? Could another prosecu- 
tor have stood up to that defense team? 
SCHILLER: She blew the case. I think she 
blew it because she became emotionally 
involved with the relatives of the victims. 
That worked against her. When we 
would arrive in the mornings, she’d be 
sitting in seats with relatives of the vic- 
tims. Because of that, she thought this 
should be a case like others she had tried 
that involved stalkers and spousal abuse. 
She thought ОЈ. was just another one of 
those. If Bill Hodgman had handled the 
case, it would have been different. He 
was dispassionate and very clever. When 
he got sick, it gave her too much control 
of the case. Marcia’s arguments were 
very persuasive. She's a good orator. But 
all her emotion did not win the jury. She 
made a critical mistake thinking that the 
case was a slam dunk based on blood ev- 
idence. She didn't realize the blood evi- 
dence could be unraveled, and Scheck 
unraveled it. He convinced the jury 
there was reasonable doubt. She thought 
the blood evidence was a sure thing. She 
said the blood matched Simpson's. But 
Scheck said you can't use the word 
“match"—it's not like fingerprints. All 
you can say is that the blood is similar. It 
was the first thing he did. Well before 
that, she turned off the jury. 

PLAYBOY: How? 

SCHILLER: There was an arrogance that 
came through. And all her prick-teasing 
with Johnnie Cochran. 

PLAYBOY: Prick-teasing? 

SCHILLER: All the eyes and giggling and 
whispering in his ear. I thought, When is 
she going to put her tongue into his ear? 
That's what seemed like the next step. At 


146 one point she whispered to someone 


that she was wearing crotchless panties. 
She was joking, but she still said it. There 
seemed to bea miniskirt competition go- 
ing on between her and Jo-Ellan Di- 
mitrius [a defense jury consultant]—who 
could wear shorter skirts. But all the sex 
stuff just didn't work. It stopped when 
Johnnie's wife, Dale, put her foot down. 
Johnnie stopped engaging her. Before 
that, they would almost hold hands 
walking up to a sidebar. I felt it was re- 
pulsive. She tried to use her sexuality in 
every way she could—to engage Coch- 
ran on that level and have it work for 
her. But it didn't work. 

PLAYBOY: How could it have worked? 
SCHILLER: Maybe to distract him. Her big 
mistake was that she didn’t understand 
this trial atall. She didn’t listen to her ju- 
ry consultants. The jury consultants for 
both sides said the same thing: That 
middle-aged black women looked at 
Nicole in a negative way and O.J. in a 
positive way. Marcia Clark never under- 
stood that. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have a higher opinion 
of Christopher Darden? 

SCHILLER: No. Everyone talks about Dar- 
den's brooding. But what was he brood- 
ing about? He just went out half-cocked. 
Look at his attack on screenwriter Laura 
Hart McKinny—practically accusing her 
of having a love affair with Fuhrman. 1 
felt he was desperate. That may be to 
Johnnie's credit. I think Johnnie was 
successful in disarming Darden. Darden 
never felt comfortable in the courtroom 
as far as I could see. He never had 
strength, security or confidence. John- 
nie not only rattled Ito, he also rattled 
Darden. Johnnie won every battle with 
Darden. Even Bailey got Darden. He 
taunted him once: “You've got the balls 
of a stud field mouse.” Darden's book 
was great because it had his real anger in 
it. Real, believable anger. He took the 
high road in his book about Marcia 
Clark—said they didn't have an affair, 
that they bonded because she was sup- 
porting him while his brother was dying 
of AIDS. I don't think she'll take the high 
road in her book. 

PLAYBOY: Was the defense team contemp- 
tuous of the prosecution? 

SCHILLER: The defense always felt the 
prosecution was lying and cheating. 
They also felt that the prosecution never 
developed a scenario of what actually 
happened the night of the killings. They 
never had a clear story. And they never 
really knew what triggered the murders. 
What triggered the murders? That 
helped lose the case. If they could have 
convinced the jury that something trig- 
gered O.J., they might have won. The 
closest they came was that he was mad 
because he hadn't been invited for din- 
ner. That was no trigger. Why didn't 
they tell the story of O.J. showing up at 
the house and watching through the 
window while Nicole was giving head to 
this guy when the kids were upstairs, 


with the bedroom door open? Because if 
that hadn't triggered a flip-out and 
caused him to murder Nicole, nothing 
would. 

PLAYBOY: At what point did the prosecu- 
tion team feel it had won? 

SCHILLER: After LAPD criminalists Collin 
Yamauchi and Dennis Fung got off the 
stand, the defense felt that they had a 
hung jury at the minimum [as a result of 
sloppy police work]. At that point, as 
Shapiro put it many times, all they had 
10 do was "be sure we don't step on our 
dick." In other words, "Don't mess up." 
PLAYBOY: Did the defense lawyers feel 
that the prosecuting lawyers were in 
their league? 

SCHILLER: No. They felt they were up 
against amateurs. The prosecution be- 
came so defensive that their prosecution 
case was a rebuttal to the defense from 
the beginning. Every single witness was 
a rebuttal to the defense. They were 
starting to anticipate the defense so 
much that they lost sight of an affirma- 
tive prosecution. 

PLAYBOY: How did Cochran rattle Ito? 
SCHILLER: He did it all the time. He drove. 
Ito from the bench twice—got him so 
mad he had to take a break. Through- 
out, Cochran was able to push Ito's but- 
tons. Ito left the bench so disgusted and 
Cochran would never back down. 
PLAYBOY: What was the defense team's 
view of Ito? 

SCHILLER: Alan Dershowitz and Scheck 
had disdain for him, looked down on 
him. Shapiro was afraid to offend him. 
Cochran couldn't give a fuck. Cochran 
was in control. He couldn't give a fuck. 
PLAYBOY: Have you spoken with Cochran 
since your book came out? 

SCHILLER: No. But I heard he said I 
should retitle it The Enemy Within. 
PLAYBOY: Did you interview him after 
the trial? 

SCHILLER: Never on the record. But often 
during my interviews with Carl Douglas, 
Johnnie came into the office. He never 
interrupted. When he talked, it was al- 
ways off the record. He said he couldn't 
talk as part of his book deal. 

PLAYBOY: Did the defense team feel that 
the Fuhrman tapes assured the not- 
guilty verdict? 

SCHILLER: Yes. They assured an acquittal. 
They knew they would at least have a 
hung jury without tapes. Reasonable 
doubt had already been proved. Stalk- 
ing had not been proved. Neither had 
spousal abuse. The tapes sealed it. 
PLAYBOY: Why were you entrusted with 
such important evidence? 

SCHILLER: Because 1 was there. I offered 
to do it. I was, once again, the right man 
in the right place at the right time. It was 
not that they trusted me. There were 
goddamn bodyguards on me. The tapes 
were probably worth $2 million to 
$3 million at that time. Here is another 
example of me thinking about the future 
of the project, not just the moment. I 


wasn't going to do anything to blow her down because of the way she asked SCHILLER: Because I was the Fuller Brush 
my access. I kept thinking about Nor- and because the amount she asked for man. 1 was the Avon salesman. I was able 
man Mailer and The Executioner's Song. was utterly obscene. There was a settle- to knock on the door, get my foot in. 
"The fact that I stayed friendly with my ment for $8000. And it wasn't me who Once again, I walked in and ingratiated 
sources was crucial. paid. Those people complained, but the myself. 

PLAYBOY. But many members of Gary work that came from those experiences PLAYBOY: In order to ingratiate yourself 
Gilmore's family think that you ripped is brilliant. The Gilmore story led to Exe- іп this or other instances, does anything 
them off culioners Song. It won Mailer a Pulitzer. go? Do you lie? 

SCHILLER: I told every one of them to get Lenny was just brilliant work on my part. SCHILLER: No. I just figure out what is re- 
their own representatives and attorneys. Who else would have moved Honey quired. I don't know why people trust 
1 didn't deal with them direcdy. 1 wanted Bruce into his house for six months to me and open up to me, but they do. I 
them protected so they'd never feel they get her story? Once she was sitting with sometimes am surprised at how much 


were taken advantage of. my daughter Suzanne, teaching her people tell me. Women seem to respond 
PLAYBOY: Your plan didn’t work—some about sea horses. She said she had to go in particular. Nicole told about when 
clearly feel you cheated them. to the bathroom. Two hours later she Gilmore was able to respond to her sex- 
SCHILLER: Some expected more money сате out of the bathroom. She shot up ually, when they played together in the 
than they got. in there, came ош and continued talking bathtub, when he shaved her pubic hair. 
PLAYBOY: One, Vern Damico, Gilmore's about sea horses without missing abeat She cried after she told me how her hus- 
uncle, still says you owe band felt she was un- 


able to satisfy him sex- 

ually. She felt she was 

such a bad lay he must 
r have thoughtit was like 

fucking the wind. It 
was devastating to her. 
Why would she tell me 
that? Why would Mari- 
na Oswald write to me 
and my wife asking if 
she should have a hys- 
terectomy? 1 guess it's 
almost like talking to a 
girlfriend, not talking 
There's something else to a guy. I feel like 
that happened with 7 a rabbi sometimes. 
Vern. I stayed close to ea ls world's longest Someone you can cry 
Nicole Baker [Gil- xs 43 to. I never go for the 
more's girlfriend] and jugular in my inter- 


EHE. muet Choose A Better 


agreed that he and the a a 
others would be paid L D P d 
gers woud Бє раа Long-Distance Provi 
defending any lawsuits 

that were brought. 

One was brought by 

the insurance compa- келе 
nies that paid the vic- 
tims’ families. 1 paid to 
defend that suit. Still, 
Vern says 1 owe him 


$157,000. I don't. Courier 


$249.° 


several other people ee ESCORT Solo* ee" ESCORT Courier” views. I take my time. T 
for a number of years E a MER EERIE RSE GLE о tell stories about m 
TEST fell coU ante Cordless radar/ laser detector 900 MHz Extended Range cordless phone e peer 
just walk in and out of * Cordless with corded option + World'slongest cordless phone range (upto adapt my life so it 
their lives. 1 felt re- * First tue on-board computer keeps settings in sixteen times more) works better to make a 
sponsible for them. But _ Memory even when the batteries are changed — + 100 channels ensures superior clarity point. I react with a 
Vern was a shoemaker, * Fe sitivity levels кее E зш Ger lE СЕ" 

a family man whose | DIR" us circuit a backup and spare Battery PlayBoy: Is it genuine 
children had grown. „ AuroOff tums Solo off if you forget * 4-day talk time and 4-day standby or rehearsed? | 

He seemed sel * Long battery life ЖЕКШЕ SCHILLER: I don't know 
sured. I pulled away the difference. 


PLAYBOY: You have said 


ESCORT Зит ве. соп. б<: 1-800-433-3487 the fact that you could 


Obi rats a st a A A 
ox order onine:hipihrwwsscoîstaec per into the jail to see 
24 hours a day, 7 буза vek Gilmore helped per- 


from him because it 
didn't seem as if he 
needed anything more 
from me. Maybe I 


pulled away from him suade him to trust you. 
too fast. I think he was resentful, PLAYBOY: Let's go back to the Gary Gil- You said, “The fact that I got in showed 
PLAYBOY. Lenny Bruce's widow, Honey, more story. How did you become in- that I could buck the system, and that 
charged that you not only owed her volved that time? impressed him." 

money but that you also got her strung SCHILLER: 1 was in the middle of produc- SCHILLER: There's no question about it. 
out on drugs in order to gether story. ing The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald and But 1 could never have gotten in without 


SCHILLER: It was her lawyer, trying to get picked up the paper and read an article Gilmore's help from the inside. He told 
money in a lawsuit. Honey was dead about this girl—Nicole—who had been me when to come—what shift. He told 
broke and needed money. I didn't hold persuaded to attempt to kill herself by a те which guards would look the other 


that against her. I never once blinked. convict who had been sentenced to way. Guys on death row make friends 
PLAYBOY: Do you deny supplying her death. She had two children. What at- with their captors very quickly. Some of 
with drugs? tracted me was the question, “How could O.J. Simpson's closest friends now are 


SCHILLER: Do | look like someone who's one human being have the power to per- his former jailers. They go to his house 
involved with drugs? I never dropped suade another to take her life when she all the timc. I'm not going to give you 
acid in my life, Timothy Leary held that had two small children?” the names of the officers, but I know 
against me until the day he died. I don't PLAYBOY: You headed to Utah. But so did them. 

smoke and I don't drink. I've never been swarms of media. Why were you able to PLAYBOY: You witnessed Gilmore’s execu- 
involved in drugs. But Honey was dead get to Gilmore and his family when no tion. How did it affect you? 

broke. She asked me for money. I1 turned one else could? SCHILLER: The execution was just like a 147 


military operation. It was detached, 
cold. He was a cold-blooded killer. He 
wanted to die. He didn't want to be butt- 
fucked in jail for the rest of his life. So he 
was a partner with the State of Utah in 
his execution. 1 had no problem with it. 
PLAYBOY; How did you persuade Nor- 
man Mailer to write the Gilmore story? 
SCHILLER: 1 knew that what was going on 
around Gilmore had tremendous social 
impact. There were conflicts between re- 
ligion and capital punishment. I saw the 
power of Gilmore's personality, that he 
could control Nicole to the extent she 
would try to kill herself for him. I saw 
this world of Mormons and Jack Mor- 
mons in Utah. But I've always had this 
problem: I am unable to express myself. 
I knew that a writer such as Mailer had 
the ability not only to absorb the materi- 
al but also to filter it in a way that would 
mean something to society. I didn't think 
twice about making the approach. He 
was convinced because of the material. 
PLAYBOY: Describe your relationship with 
Mailer. 

SCHILLER: Over the years, Norman and I 
developed a language. He no longer was 
a writer to me. He was a rabbi. He gave 
me guidance, encouragement. He never 
put me down. Sometimes we fought, 
sometimes we didn't speak for months, 
but there was respect. He respected the 
work I did for him. No one else could 
have gotten him Executioner’s Song. 
PLAYBOY: You first worked togetlier on 
Marilyn. How did that come about? 
SCHILLER: I was in L.A. on the set of The 
Misfits, photographing for Paris Match. 
Another photographer and I were the 
only ones on the set, shooting side by 
side. The night before, Marilyn's publi- 
cist told us she was going to do a semi- 
nude swimming scene. The next day, 
there she was. Marilyn almost nude, 
wearing nothing except a pair of panties. 
So we shot the pictures. I immediately 
went to the telephone and made two 
calls, to Paris Match and Life. I said, “You 
won't believe it. We have Marilyn Mon- 
roe in the nude." The only previous 
nudes of her were the ones that ap- 
peared in the first issue of PLAYBOY. The 
other photographer walked by the 
phone and I stopped him. I convinced 
him that two sets of pictures of Marilyn 
would drive the price down and we 
should become 50-50 partners. Marilyn 
had approval of the pictures. I went over 
to her house in the evening. She said, 
"Let's go to Schwab's.” She drove—I 
think it was a T-Bird convertible—and 
ran into the store. She came out and 
asked for the pictures. Out of a paper 
bag, she took a pair of shears she had 
bought at Schwab's. She held my 55mm 
strips of film and, with only the light of 
a streetlight, began cutting through 
the shots she didn’t like. Thank God I 
didn’t bring them all, because not many 
148 survived. 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: You didn't bring them all? But 
you had an agreement with her. 
SCHILLER: I guess I was more worried 
about the pictures than the agreement, I 
went down to the printing plant and 
waited for the first issue of the magazine 
to come off the press. I took it to Marilyn 
to show her. Back to her house, late at 
night, she sat there with Dom Pérignon, 
looking at the magazine. She loved it 
and started talking and talking. Finally, I 
said, "Marilyn, I've gotta go home. My 
wife is going to fucking kill me." She 
asked where I lived and I told her the 
address. Then she left the room and 
didn't come back for 25 minutes. I didn't. 
know what was going on, but I didn't 
feel as if I could get up and walk out of 
the house. I sat there for all that time. Fi- 
nally, she came back. We're schmoozing. 
I don't know if she wants to be fucked or 
what. I wasn't so fat then as I am now, 
but I was still a little heavy. But it was just 
Marilyn and me. I'm a chickenshit. I 
don't make a move. Finally, I leave. She 
gives me a kiss. I say, “Thanks for mak- 
ing me famous.” I drive home and I'm 
ready to start making apologies to my 
wife, but she wasn't mad at all. She 
wasn't mad because Marilyn had sent 
her two dozen red roses. The note said 
something like, “Sorry for keeping Lar- 
" That's what she had done in the 25 
minutes. 

PLAYBOY: Your photographs of Monroe 
appeared in PLAYbUY soon afterward. 
Were they from the same session? 
SCHILLER: Yes. One was one of those we 
never showed Marilyn—a black-and- 
white—which I knew would be valuable 
to Hefner. It wasn't the best picture of 
her, but it was the only shot that showed 
her nipple. I had the photo colored and 
offered it to Hef. I told him that the pic- 
tures were worth $25,000 or worth noth- 
ing. I wouldn't negotiate. He agreed to 
buy them. I was told that that was the 
highest price he had ever paid for pho- 
tography at that time. After that, Marilyn 
agreed to pose for the cover of the mag- 
azine, but she died before we were able 
to shoot it. 

PLAYBOY: Were the Monroe pictures your 
first in PLAYBOY? 

SCHILLER: I had shot Playmates. My pic- 
tures of Paula Kelly, the dancer, were the 
first ones that showed pubic hair in 
the magazine. I persuaded her to do the 
spread by telling her I wanted to do dig- 
nified, artistic nudes. She liked the idea, 
but was worried you would see her gei 
tals. She wanted to wear a patch over 
them until I explained that it could pick 
up a light that you might see in the pic- 
tures. Since her pubic hair was black 
against her dark skin and we were using 
rim lighting, I said that you'd never see 
anything. She was very cooperative; she 
threw away the patch. The staff loved 
the pictures. I got a call from Vince 
Tajiri, the photo editor, who said, "It's 


the first time we've gotten away with pu- 
bic hair in the magazine!” I said, “What 
pubic hair?” I was worried because I had 
promised Paula there would be none. I 
went and looked closely and for the first 
time saw it. You could definitely see the 
black pubic hair in three of seven expo- 
sures. It was a breakthrough, but I 
thought Paula would go ballistic. Yet she 
never said a word to me about it. 

1 also did sports and celebrities for the 
magazine. One time, Paula Prentiss and 
Elliott Gould were doing Move and I got 
them to agree to a nude shot in a bath- 
tub to promote the movie. We were all 
set up. Elliott was in the bathtub and 
Paula was supposed to come out, but she 
wouldn't. Elliott went in and tried to 
convince her to come out and then I 
tried. No way. ] noticed that she was 
completely flat-chested. but 1 had no 
idea this had anything to do with it. Dick 
Benjamin, her husband. finally went in 
and talked with her and came out and 
said, "She just can't do it today.” I said, 
fine. Three or four weeks later, they told 
me she would do it. This time Paula 
walked out of the dressing room with- 
out any coaxing. ГЇЇ tell you: She had 
the biggest fucking set of knockers in the 
world. Now, I can't swear to you that she 
didn't have the knockers the first time 
around, but she looked pretty flat-chest- 
ed to me. I don't know what changed, 
but she was a fucking knockout when 
she walked out the second time. 
PLAYBOY: At what point did you cross 
over from photographer to interviewer 
and journalist? 

SCHILLER: I began doing interviews for 
spoken-word record albums. I did an es- 
say for Life magazine on LSD culture 
and that started me doing a record. | al- 
so did ones on homosexuality and the 
American male, one on JFK and the one 
on Lenny Bruce that was the basis for 
the book. Those interviews were all for 
record albums. Three became books. 
PLAYBOY: What was the story behind your 
book with Charles Manson follower Su- 
san Atkins? 

SCHILLER: I was called by Paul Caruso, a 
famous divorce attorney, with a tip. "A. 
buddy of mine who's a public defender 
has a client by the name of Susan Atkins 
who is in jail for a series of murders. She 
told her lawyer that she was involved in 
the Tate-LaBianca murders. Would you 
like to talk with her?" I interviewed her. 
I wrote a book under her name, set up a 
trust for her child and took half the 
moncy. The publishers chose the title, 
which was terrible, the worst exploita- 
tion: The Killing of Sharon Tate. But it was 
sold all over the world. Before the article 
about the book was published, I was with 
President Nixon in the White House 
shooting a campaign commercial. Alter- 
ward, we sat around and talked. The 
president asked me what I was up to and 
I told him about the Atkins interview, 


that she confessed to the Manson mur- 
ders. I never imagined he would take 
this information and make this incredi- 
ble statement that was a front-page 
headline the next day: The president 
said Manson was guilty of those mur- 
ders. It was because І had lunch with 
Nixon and I was bragging! It threw the 
trial into a izzy 

PLAYBOY: Was it a coincidence that you 
were in Dallas when President Kennedy 
shot? 

SCHILLER: 1 wasn't in Dallas at the time. I 
was there within 3% hours of the assas 
nation. They kicked off all the passen- 
gers on the next plane there from Los 
Angeles and it became the first press 
flight. I was working for the Saturday 
Evening Post. I was in the basement when 
Lee Harvey Oswald was being moved 
He came out and somebody stepped in 
front of me and there was a flash, a flash, 
and then a pop and then another flash 
Somewhere in there, I saw somebody 
shooting somebody, but I never got the 
fucking picture. Oswald immediately 
was picked up and taken away, and 
they're all on top of this guy who did it. I 
realized one or two photographers had 
the picture and I didn’t. There were two 
labs being used in Dallas and I raced to 
one. Someone walked out of the dark- 
room with the picture: the famous Bob 
Jackson photograph of Jack Ruby shoot- 
ing Oswald. I asked what rights were 


available. I offered $10,000 for world 
magazine rights and got the original 
print. I sent it to the Post and we made 
sales to Paris Match, Stern and other mag- 
azines around the world and made five 
times the $10,000. Jackson won the Pu- 
litzer Prize for that picture. I have the 
original print framed at home 

PLAYBOY. You met up with Ruby again, 
conducting the final interview of his life 
before he died in the hospital in 1967. 
How did you get it? 

SCHILLER: I had been in contact with his 
brother and sister over the years. I was 
doing the record of JFK when I gota call 
and was asked if I wanted to see him. It 
was a pure coincidence 

PLAYBOY. What revelations came from 
that last interview? 

SCHILLER: Most of all, that he stuck to his 
story on his deathbed. He had acted 
alone. There was no conspiracy. 
PLAYBOY: Yet you visited the conspira- 
cy theory again, both with The Trial of 
Lee Harvey Oswald and your research 
for Norman Mailer's book Oswald’s Tale. 
Why the preoccupation with that story? 
SCHILLER: It is probably the greatest un- 
solved mystery of our time. Particularly 
with Oswald’s Tale, 1 had access to incred- 
ible information—all the KGB files. 
PLAYBOY: How did you get them? 
SCHILLER: I had a name in Russia. I was 
invited to Mikhail Gorbachev's peace 
conference and then to be a negotiator 


on the bilateral talks in Russia between 
the U.S. government and the U.S. Infor- 
mation Agency. I couldn't believe it. So I 
went back to Russia a second time as a 
delegate of the U.S. government under 
President Reagan. This time I looked 
up Ludmilla Peresvetova, a translator 
whom I had met but had not worked 
with. She was one of the most skilled 
translators in Russia. Although she de 
nied it, I knew from others that she 
so had worked in some context for 
the KGB 

PLAYBOY: She became your third wife 
SCHILLER: Yes, but it was not a sexual rela- 
tionship yet. I was invited back the sec- 
ond year by the government to negoti- 
ate. This time it was held in Washington 
and we brought Ludmilla to be my 
translator. Finally, I decided to do a film 
based on the Chernobyl disaster. I con- 
vinced the Russians. I hired J.P. Miller, 
who wrote Days of Wine and Roses, an Em- 
my Award-winning screenwriter. I al- 
ways surround myself with the best peo- 
ple. Ludmilla is helping me again. I put 
a lot of my own money into it, almost 
$600,000. My wife—still my second 
wife—and 1 were just ready to kill each 
other. I told her that we were going to 
have to go into bankruptcy in 1991. That 
was the greatest humiliation for her. The 
lawyers told me how to do it to protect 
my family, but my wife wouldn't accept 
it. It was the end of our marriage. Six 


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150 


months later, Ludmilla showed up in the 
U.S. to visit her daughter. Gorbachev by 
then had gone far in hacking his own 
window to the West. I was having many 
problems with Chernobyl—my backers 
fell out. There was one problem after an- 
other. But I knew there were other great 
stories in Russia. 1 was interested in 
three: Alger Hiss, the Rosenbergs and 
Lee Harvey Oswald. One night, I asked. 
Ludmilla to talk with her friends in the 
KGB about them. She returned to Mos- 
cow and then called me. Come to Mos- 
cow. She introduced me to a former 
KGB agent who told me there was noth- 
ing in their files on Alger Hiss except 
news clippings. He said there was a Jot 
about the Rosenbergs, but nothing more 
than the West already knew. "What 
about Lee Harvey Oswald?" "There's a 
lot.” I asked, "How do I get it?" 
PLAYBOY: How did you? 

SCHILLER: More negotiating. I told them I 
wanted to bring in a writer. I called him 
the American Tolstoy. I had to sell them 
оп Mailer even though I hadn't yet sold 
Mailer on the project. I knew this was 
a story for Norman, but I had to con- 
vince him. 

PLAYBOY: How did you? 

SCHILLER: I went back to New York and 
told him I felt I could get the KGB files. 
I said, “It’s the one part of the mystery 
that nobody knows anything of. They 
bugged him.” I said, “Nobody has ever 
seen Oswald interac with people. 
Here are his fights, depressions, it's all in 
there.” I said, “Here is a chance to be 
flies on the wall inside Lee Harvey Os- 
wald’s life. Nobody else is ever going to 
have that. 

PLAYBOY: Why were you given those ex- 
tremely valuable files? Did you bribe the 
officials? 


SCHILLER: From the beginning I was told 
that 1 would have to pay with shoes and 
sardines, not money. That meant that I 
would pay with whatever goods they 
couldn't get. But I had to convince many 
people who were not bribed. The Su- 
preme Sovict learned what we were do- 
ing and attempted to stop it. They want- 
cd to know why a Western writer should 
get them. The FBI heard about it 
through the American Embassy and 
made a push for the files. Ludmilla in 
the meantime was getting so fucking 
scared that the government might swing 
back [to the Communist regime] and she 
would be put in jail for working for 
Americans. One time the KGB showed 
us a report on us conducted by the local 
KGB which said that Mailer was working 
for the CIA and Ludmilla was an opera- 
tive. She became even more scared then. 
Now it was in the KGB files that she was 
working for the CIA. It became obvious 
that I had to marry her. I’m not saying I 
didn't love her, but we got married for 
that reason. We went to the U.S. and got 
married and returned to Russia to work. 
The marriage was a tough one. It was 
not a marriage based on real love or 
devotion or understanding. When the 
project was over, the marriage was an- 
nulled—after she got her green card. 
She now lives in Washington, D.C. and is 
a translator for the Securities and E; 
change Commission. Living a happy li 
PLAYBOY: Years carlier, you had inte 
viewed Marina Oswald, most extensive- 
ly, for The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald. Did 
she have to be persuaded to talk again? 
SCHILLER: Yes. And it was very difficult. OF 
all the people I have interviewed who 
feel betrayed by me, she feels the most 
betrayed. 

PLAYBOY: Was she? 


“Boy, ате they evolving fast. We've barely gotten the 
hang of the missionary position.” 


SCHILLER: I didn't betray her. But in Rus- 
sia we had learned a lot about her early 
life. She had relations with many men. I 
wanted to get her to talk about it. I con- 
vinced her. “What does it matter?” she 
wanted to know. But, I said, ifsomething 
as small or as large as this affected Os- 
wald, it gives us a better understanding. 
In the hands of Mailer, perhaps society 
will learn something. So she talked to 
me, but she despised the book. She says 
Mailer depicted her as a whore. But she 
is not depicted as a whore. She is depict- 
ed as someone who had a horrible expe- 
rience with a stepfather. She was thrown 
into the street and locked out. She feels 
betrayed by everybody. 

PLAYBOY: Docs that make you feel bad? 
SCHILLER: I don't lose any sleep over it, 
but I feel bad because she does not ac- 
cept the fact that the best has been done 
with truth we know, and that society 
does learn. Again, Schiller is in the mid- 
dle of history. We filled in a piece of his- 
tory with that book, just as we had with 
Executioner's Song. 

PLAYBOY: You clearly are obsessed with 
making a mark on history. Have you an- 
alyzed why? 

SCHILLER: It is doing something impor- 
tant, something my children can look to 
proudly. When I was a child, my father 
was very proud of my brother, who was 
an incredible athlete. When he beat me 
in the 1]-and-under category in tennis, 
that was the end of my tennis career— 
and my brother is two years younger. My 
father was a marathon runner. I couldn't. 
compete in that arena, but I found other 
ways to compete. I participated in athlet- 
ics when I was a child by being a photog- 
rapher. It was my way of participating. 
Maybe everything comes from this. 
PLAYBOY: Did the accident that hurt your 
vision in one eye affect your decision to 
become a photographer? 

SCHILLER: I don't think so. My father was 
a portrait photographer. He owned a 
camera store on 42nd Street. We went to 
California and he opened another store, 
this time selling sporting goods, cameras 
and appliances. So he had more to do 
with it than anything else, I think. And 
photography is what opened doors for 
me. It got me to college. I never had the 
grades, but I got a journalism scholar- 
ship for my photographs. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that most of what 
you've tried to prove in your life goes 
back to your father? 

SCHILLER: It's not only my father. My chil- 
dren and ex-wife and I once went to see 
The Mosquito Coast. There's a scene in the 
film where Harrison Ford tries to ex- 
plain to his wife and one of his sons what 
he’s all about—why he’s brought the 
family to this hellhole in the middle of 
the jungle. He explains his dream, for 
the first time communicating who he is 
to his family. His wife and son look at 
him in the worst way. You can sce by 
their faces that they are horrified. When 


Isaw that, I broke down and cried in the 
theater. It was so much about me at that 
moment in my life. My wife was so em- 
barrassed that she took my children and 
moved to another part of the theater 
She wouldn't sit next to me. That was the 
end of my marriage as far as I was con- 
cerned. She didn't know it, but it was. 
We had a big fight that night. 

PLAYBOY: What exactly did you relate to 
in the movie? 

SCHILLER: How misunderstood he was. 
And when my wife moved away, it 
proved how much 1 was misunderstood, 
too. I see things a certain way. I've made 
a lot of mistakes in my life. I've done 
things that are wrong for which I de- 
serve to be criticized and torn apart. But 
the story of Schiller is not only those 
things. 

PLAYBOY: Yet like it or not, along with all 
of your accomplishments come the la- 
bels: you as a carrion bird, as "O.].'s 
sleazy friend” and as an exploiter. Do 
these bother you? 

SCHILLER: They no longer bother me. I 
used to be concerned for my children, 
but they and those who know me are 
used to it. This new book is something 
they can be proud of. The reviews that 
have come in—from The New York Times, 
the Los Angeles Times, Time magazine— 
are all a vindication. I mean, I cried 
when I read the New York Times review. I 
was in a restaurant with Kardashian on 
my left and Kathy on my right and I just 
started to cry. 

PLAYBOY: Why exactly did you cry? 
SCHILLER: It was an acknowledgment by 
a stranger who is considered to be im- 
portant. [t acknowledged all the work I 
putin. 

PLAYBOY: Did you feel legitimized on 
your own at last, independent from 
Mailer? 

SCHILLER: Maybe. Yes. 

PLAYBOY: For that you have O.J. Simpson 
to thank. 

SCHILLER: But I pulled it off myself. 1 
pulled it off. 

PLAYBOY: Yours is the 40th or so book 
about O.J. Will the interest in this case 
ever subside? 

SCHILLER: The obsession with the case will 
die down, although it will reappear 
whenever big events in O,J.’s life come 
along. It will reappear when he gets 
married again, especially when it is to a 
white blonde; when he has another 
child. The biggest news will be when his 
wife ends up dead again. A knife. Blood. 
A glove. [Smiles] Actually, the biggest 
news will be when they find the knife 
and the real killers. Imagine: Somebody 
confesses and everything finally fits to- 
gether. A killer with blood so close to 
О]. or something. Think about what 
that would do to America. I know it’s un- 
likely, but that would be something, 


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CLEESE: Not as fine as mine. 

CURTIS: No, and I have a lot more of it. 
CLEESE: Last time I told my daughter 1 
was going to the barber, she said, "Dad- 
dy, is it really worth it?" What she does 
not realize is that ] am not bald at all. I 
have, in fact, a great deal of hair, but it's 
too fine for most people to see. You 
might call it a fine head of hair. 

PLAYBOY: What gets your vote as the 
strongest desire? Is it hunger? Thirst? 
Passion? 

curtis: Well, for me it would be sleep. 
I'm completely exhausted; my son hasn't 
been sleeping. 

CLEESE: Poor pussycat. 

CURTIS: It’s a difficult time, but we will 
weather it. 

CLEESE: And if not, you can always kill 
yourself. 

CURTIS: I suppose that's an option. 
CLEESE: It's the best part about believing 
in reincarnation. It cheers me up to real- 
ize that if I find things too disappointing, 
I can just top myself and start again. 
"I'm fed up with this life, so ГЇЇ have an- 
other one, please.” 

curtis: If my husband walked in with 
the keys to a new car, the most delicious 
food and a beautiful bottle of red wine 
on a tray, a stunning outfit hanging on 
his arm and an alarm clock, I would 
choose the alarm clock. I would say, 
“Thanks, Chris,” and set it for about 
eight hours from now and go to sleep. 
That's my desire. 

cuesse: Actually, the desire for sleep has 
been badly undervalued—almost ig- 
nored —throughout the history of West- 
ern philosophy. Sleep is quite wonderful 
in and of itself. This is, as Jefferson 
would have put it, self-evident. The 
great thing about sleep is that you just lie 
down and go to it. If you're awake, you 
have to think, What should I do now? 
‘This explains the point of death. Hasn't 
it ever struck you that most of the best. 
people are dead? There must be some- 
thing to it. And it's this: You don't have 
to make any more decisions. Or do any 
more annoying interviews. 

PLAYBOY: OK, after sleep, what's next on 
the desire chart? 

CURTIS; Breakfast. 

PLAYBOY: Breakfast? 

CURTIS: Right. When you wake up. 
CLEESE: My favorite meal, breakfast! 
curtis; This is the explanation for our 
friendship. I mean, John and I have 
nothing else in common. He's this ar- 
thritic, bald, elderly Englishman who 
happens to be very boring. And I'm this 
youthful, vibrant, vital, terribly mod- 
152 est California supermom. But we have 


(continued from page 110) 


God, I love breakfast. ГЇЇ give you my top 13. First, 
obviously, chop de porc, cru, à la muesli. 


one common link—we're both breakfast 
freaks. 

PLAYBOY: Does this mean you've had 
breakfast together? 

CLEESE: Yes. But only at lunchtime. 
PLAYBOY: Why didn't you have lunch? 
CURTIS: Because we prefer breakfast, you 
dolt. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have breakfast at din- 
nertime, too? 

curtis: Only if I'm hungry. I have been a 
proponent of breakfast for years. Cereals 
are my favorite foods. 

PLAYBOY: Any specific kind? 

CURTIS: I go all over the map. Apple 
Jacks and shredded wheat and Cheerios 
and Rice Chex and Kix and Golden Gra- 
hams and frosted flakes and Corn Pops 
and—— 

PLAYBOY: Froot Loops? 

CURTIS: No. No Froot Loops. One has to 
draw the line somewhere. But Wheaties 
and, of course, Rice Krispies, Quaker 
Oats, raisin bran and cornflakes. Break- 
fast food is truly my comfort food. If 
there were nobody around to see me, it's 
basically all I would eat for the rest of my 
life And muesli Mustn't forget muesli 
CLEESE: Ah, yes. muesli. A heaping 
spoonful of muesli on top of a nice raw 
pork chop—that is my ideal breakfast. 
curtis: When you die, John, I'll sprinkle 
muesli over your grave. And maybe even 
throw in a pork chop. 

CLEESE: What more could one ask? God, 
I love breakfast. I'll give you my top 13 
breakfasts. First, obviously, chop de 
porc, cru, à la muesli. Second, chop de 
porc, very rare, à la muesli. Third, chop 
de porc, well done, à la muesli. Four, 
mucsli and ham. Five, mucsli and bacon. 
Six, muesli with anything else derived 
from pigs. Seven, muesli plain. Eight, 
ham—plain—and eggs. Nine, bacon— 
plain—and eggs. Ten, trotters and eggs. 

Eleven would be any other comb 
tion derived from pigs and hens. Like 
kidneys and wattles. Or spleens and 
beaks. Or snouts and claws. 

Twelve: cornflakes. 

And, finally, lucky 13: battered bad- 
gers’ brains. It's very English. Inciden- 
tally, it’s not the brains that are battered. 
It's the badgers. That's how you get their 
brains. They obviously aren't just going 
to hand them over. They're quite fond of 
them even though they hardly use them. 
PLAYBOY: What about muesli and eggs? 
Cheese: Don't be silly. They don't go to- 
gether at all. 

PLAYBOY: Speaking of things going to- 
gether, what about sex and desire? Can 
you have one without the other? 

CLEESE: Ah, you see, Jamie, I was right. 


Right about what? 

john warned me that if we did 
an interview with PLAYBOY about desire, 
sooner or later the question of sex would 
arrive. He's very intuitive. 

PLAYBOY: OK. So the sex card has been 
played. Any thoughts on sexual desire? 
CURTIS: Sure. But you have to under- 
stand that I've been married a long time. 
Happily married, I might add. So my 
idea of sexual desire is very different 
from when I was single. There's an ele- 
ment of fidelity that is pretty important. 
CLEESE: I, too, am happily married. And 
have been many, many times. 

PLAYBOY: And fidelity? 

CLEESE: It's very important. I'm sure of it. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 

CLEESE: Because I once got a fortune 
cookie that read: "Fidelity is very impor- 
tant." It was this kind of blinding flash. I 
guess it was my particular road from 
Damascus. Or road to Damascus. Or 
road in Damascus. It was definitely Syri- 
an in feeling. Ever since then fidelity has 
been very important to me. As simple as 
that. But I am prepared to talk about my 
sexual proclivities in my early years. And 
during the intervals between my many 
marriages. 

PLAYBOY: How many marriages have 
there been, exactly? 

CLE forget. My secretary probably 
knows. Otherwise, if it's important, I 
suppose I could go back through my di- 
aries. Fvery wife was an American. I do 
remember that. Good on energy, bad on 
geography. Not one of them could read 
a map. No spatial sense whatsoever. But 
1 digress. 

PLAYBOY: We were actually getting to the 
subject of sex and. 
cLeese: I'll tell you an odd thing about 
sex. Because of it, you discover that 
you're two different people. There you 
are, feeling almost uncontrollably—what 
do Americans say? Libidinous? Concu- 
piscent? Cupidinous? 

FLAYBOY: Horny? 

CLEESE: Yes, But that's a bit on the nose, 
isn't it? Anything a touch more lyrical? 
curtis; Frisky. 

Cueest: Frisky. Good. So there you are 
with a female friend, feeling almost un- 
bearably frisky. With a strong intuition 
that if you don't frisk soon, you may ex- 
plode. And an hour later you're lying 
there, wondering why it had seemed so 
important at the time, thinking, I may 
never need to do that again, And then a 
few hours pass, and you're back to being 
the first person again, thinking, All I 
need to do to achieve the purpose of my 
existence is to frisk one more time. Im- 
mediately. Right now. 

So you're these two completely differ- 
ent beings. Different raisons d'étre. Dif- 
ferent value systems. Different metabo- 
lisms. Occupying the same skin. And 
each one of you is unaware of the other's 
existence. Which makes planning your 


life rather difficult. 

кїлүвоү: It was simpler before puberty. 
CURTIS: But not as much fun. 

PLAYBOY: Still, there are desires or pas- 
sions from youth that carry over into 
adulthood. 

CURTIS: Like what? 

PLAYBOY: Like Citizen Kane's fondness 
for Rosebud, his boyhood sled. 

CURTIS: Well, when I was about six, I had 
this little dildo. A Lost in Space dildo. 
Now, whenever I see June Lockhart or 
hear somebody say, “Danger, Will Robin- 
son, danger,” it takes me back to that 
time. I found it in J.J. Newberry's, in the 
dildo section. 

CLEESE: There is a very fine dildo depart- 
ment in Harrods. It takes up over half a 
floor, but, still, you have to know where 
to look. 

PLAYBOY: What about you, John? Any 
youthful passions? 

cLEESE: Î grew up in Weston-super- 
Mare, a seaside resort. Actually, a seaside 
last resort. And there was no sex there. 
None at all. There was a field hockey fes- 
tival at Easter, but that was as far as body 
contact went, The births were all by 
parthenogenesis, which is why I found 
much of the New Testament so credible. 
curtis; What did you do for excitement? 
CLEESE: I played snooker a lot. 

curtis: I beg your pardon. 

CLEESE: Snooker. It's like pool, only it re- 
quires a degree of accuracy. 


curtis: I know what snooker is, John. I 
thought you were using it as a code word 
for something seamy. 

cuerse: There was nothing you'd call 
seamy at Weston-super-Mare. But I did 
get really excited once a year. 

CURTIS: I can't wait to hear about this. 
CLEESE: Actually, I'm talking about 
Christmas. Do you remember how hard 
it was to fall asleep on Christmas Eve and 
how you'd wake up extremely early for 
no other reason than the insatiable de- 
sire to be given things? This is because 
children are into materialism in a way 
that makes yuppies seem monkish. 
CURTIS: It’s so in the genes, it’s a wonder 
any of us grow out of it, evena little. 
CLEESE: Is there anything now, Jamie, 
that would make you really excited 
materialistically? 

CURTIS: No. Actually, it's the lack of mate- 
rialism that makes me happy. I desire a 
divesting of stuff. The less Гуе got, the 
happier Lam. 

CLEESE: I feel the same way, but I thought 
that was something that came with mid- 
dle age—when you begin to look at all 
these things you ve surrounded yourself 
with and find that most of them are dut- 
ter. You're much too young for that. 
CURTIS: It was the last big earthquake 
that did it for me. We were hit pretty 
hard and so many things that I'd been 
hanging on to were damaged. It was sur- 
ng how quickly I realized I didn't 


need or wantany of them anymore. 
CLEESE: I used to desire many, many 
things, but now I have just one desire, 
and that's to get rid of all my other de- 
sires. Still, I suppose you always want 
what you haven't got. But at least it's a 
kind of simplification. 

curras: I think if you were unattached 
and unencumbered by material things, 
the strongest desire would be passion. 
CLEESE: Sexual passion? 

CURTIS: Yes. If you could boil it down, get 
rid of materialism, especially if you were 
on your own in the world, what you'd 
look for would be a sexual connection 
with someone. 

CLEESE: I don't agree. 

CURTIS: At your age, you wouldn't. 
CLEESE: Do you know the talking frog 
joke? A middle-aged man is walking 
down the street, and he sees a little fr Е. 
‘The frog looks up at him and says, 
Pick me up and kiss me. I viill turn into 
a beautiful blonde woman and we will 
make love all night." 

“The man picks up the frog and puts it 
in his pocket. The frog complains, "Hey, 
you didn't kiss me." 

"No," the man says. 

"Don't you want me to turn into a 
blonde and have a passionate night?” 

And the man says, "No. At my age, I'd 
rather have a talking frog." 

CURTIS: OK, that's your desire joke. 
Here's mine: A guy walks into a bar and. 


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153 


he sees a man and a dog, and the dog is 
telling his owner he'd like today's news- 
paper. The guy is stunned. He sits down. 
next to them and says, "Wow, is that a 
talking dog?" 

The owner nods. 

“That's incredible. I've never seen a 
talking dog before.” 

“Well, now you have,” the owner says. 

“But it's so fantastic.” 

“Get over it,” the owner says. “It's a 
talking dog. Look, I've got to go to the 
rest room. Do me a favor and watch him. 
for me.” 

The guy says, “Sure.” And as soon 
as the owner is gone, he asks the dog 
to speak. 


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got is a five." 

“I'll bring you change.” The dog bites 
the five dollar bill and heads out of the 
bar with it 

The owner comes out of the bath- 
room, looks around and asks, "Where's 
my dog?” 

“He went out to get a paper.” 

“He what? You let my one-of-a-kind- 
in-the-whole-world talking dog walk out 
of here by himself? Anything could hap- 
pen to him. He could get hit by a car. 
Anything.” 

"The owner runs out of the bar and the 
guy follows. They look up and down the 
street, but they don't sec the dog any- 
where. Then they hear this noise and go 
down an alley. There at the end of the al- 
ley is the talking dog, fucking like a—— 
I was going to say like a dog. 

The owner runs up to the dog and 
screams at it, "What the heck are you 
doing?" 

And the dog answers, "What does it 
look like I'm doing?" 

"I've had you ten years, and you've 
never done anything like this before." 

And the dog says, “Yeah, but I never 
had any moncy before." 

PLAYBOY: With all due respect to the way 
the talking dog handled his passion, 
what do you do when you fecl a strong 
desire for someone? 

CLEESE: 1 think there area lot of things to 
consider before pressing ahead. First, 
you have to think: If I consummate this 
desire, will I acquire a disease that will 
kill me? Second, if I don't actually die, 
will I nevertheless acquire a disease that. 
will incapacitate me for the rest of my 
life? Third, if I consummate this, will I 
fall in love with the person? Fourth, will 
they fall in love with mc? And fifth, if you 
live in Britain, will they sell the story to 
the papers? 

curtis: Sixth, will they buy dinner? 
CLEESE: Yes, I forgot that. So if you meet, 
say, 4 million women, this process win- 
nows them down to about five. Т! 
ask the big question: How easy i 
to be to get my wife to go along with this? 


Will she say, “Fine, darling, ‘cause I do 
have a busy evening. So you just go 
ahead, and don't worry about coming in 
late." Or will she get a bit miffed and. 
beady-eyed? Anything to add, Jamie? 
CURTIS: Add to what? I'm sorry, I wasn't. 
listening. I was thinking about breakfast. 
PLAYBOY: We were discussing being con- 
sumed by an overwhelming passion for 
someone. 

curtis: Someone other than my hus- 
band? Forget it 

curse: Overwhelming passion. Well, if it 
were truly overwhelming, I suppose the 
only honorable thing to do would be to 
have your spouse killed, so that you'd be 
free of moral obligation. 

PLAYBOY: A bit extreme. 

CLEESE: It's sort of lateral thinking. 
PLAYBOY: Let's suppose you opted for a 
less lethal approach. How would you get 
rid of the desire? 

curts: Well, there's a 12-step program 
for sexaholics. Why not one for desire- 
aholics? One of the steps could be the 
watching of a truly awful movie, over 
and over again. Maybe Showgirls. Make 
the poor desireaholic watch Showgirls 
four or five times. 

CLEESE: Once might do it. 

curtis: It would probably extinguish 
any desire you've ever had or ever will 
have. 

PLAYBOY: If that didn't work, one could 
always try dancing the macarena. 

CURTIS: Or listening to political speeches. 
CLEESE: Or looking at stereopticon slides 
of skin diseases. 

curtis: Or watching the Russian female 
weight-lifting team work out. 

CLEESE: I'd have to think about that one. 
PLAYBOY: To return to an earlier ques- 
tion: What about the relationship of sex 
to desire? Can you, for example, have 
sex without desire? 

cieese: I thought that’s what marriage 
was. 

сикти: That's nice, John. Your wife will 
read that, and she’s going to hate you. 
CLEESE: It's OK. My wife can't read. She's 
from Oklahoma, you see. Though she 
tells people she’s from Texas. 

curtis: Why? 

CLEESE: Because if you're from Okla- 
homa, you think it’s sophisticated to be 
from Texas 

CURTIS: Well, to get back on track, of 
course you can have sex without desire. I 
imagine that hookers do it all the time. 
I doubt they're in ecstasy with every 
grunting, sweating pig who buys their 
time. 1 can't imagine they somehow find 
these heaving, hairy, smelly, disgusting 
men enjoyable. 

CLEESE: Could you be just a bit more 
graphic for us, dear? 

curtis: I could, but I need not. 

PLAYBOY: Samuel Coleridge wrote that 
"the desire of the man is for the woman, 
but the desire ofthe woman is for the de- 
sire of the man." Any thoughts? 


CLEESE: I’m not sure that the desire of 
the man is for the woman. Often, I sus- 
pect, the desire of the man is for his 
friends to know that he’s had the wom- 
an. As for the woman's desire being for 
the desire of the man, that makes a lot of 
sense to me because I think women trea- 
sure stable relationships more than men 
do. Therefore, if a woman knows she 
arouses the desire of a man, that is a 
promise of stability. 

PLAYBOY: Do men and women react dif- 
ferently to the fulfillment of desire? 
curese: My God, yes. Don't men always 
go to sleep —? 

And women get on the phone. 

n my experience, women are 
more energetic than that. You're lying 
on the bed, poleaxed, and they're up 
there putting new slates on the roof. It's 
extraordinary. This is part of my theory, 
which is that men only pretend to want 
sex because immediately afier we can go 
to sleep. 

curtis: I love the image of the man wak- 
ing up in this kind of sweaty heap in the 
wet spot and the woman, wearing a tool 
belt and humming Put on a Happy Face, 
pounding away at tiles on the roof. And 
there’s no food left in the house. She’s 
eaten everything. 

CLEESE: To give her energy for the roof. I 
have a question, Jamie. What qualities 
do women desire in men? Money and 
power? 

CURTIS: Oh, fuck off. Hairlessness. That's 
what we look for. Hairlessness and good 
breath. 

CLEESE: Hairlessness? Does invisible hair 
count? 

CURTIS: No, no. Not on the head. On the 
body. We like a nice. smooth body, that 
kind of lovely 17-year-old body. Not par- 
ticularly muscular, just sort of smooth, 
hairless and delicious. And nice breath. 
PLAYBOY: What do you look for in a 
woman, John? 

CLEESE: I like long-waisted women with 
pointy noses and short top lips. Who are 
punctual. And who can read maps, Who 
know where Nigeria is. 

curtis: And who have great tits. 

CLEESE: That's опе thing—two things, ac- 
tually—I can't stand in a woman. Call 
me old-fashioned if you like, but great, 
beautiful, exquisite, firm, succulent 
breasts—where was I? Oh, yes, great 
breasts—are a big turnoff for me. 
PLAYBOY: Which is more preferable: to 
desire or to be desired? 

curtis: Being desired doesn't feel like 
anything. That's the biggest misconcep- 
tion people have about actors—that you 
get this wonderful feeling because a lot 
of people fancy you. It's a real nothing. 
CLEESE: On the other hand, Jamie, given 
that it’s a nothing, it might sull be prefer- 
able to desiring someone. 

curtis: Being desired is simply too 
passive. 

CLEESE: I disagree. I would much rather 


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be desired. Although it's not an experi- 
ence I've ever had. 
CURTIS: I was about to say- 
CLEESE: But I'm entirely sure if I ever 
were desired, it would make no de- 
mands on my time. Whereas, if you de- 
sired someone, you'd probably have to 
start rearranging your day. 

curtis: But isn't that the whole point of 
desire? 

CLEESE: Exactly. 

PLAYBOY: What about passion? 

CLEESE: Passion, like desire, stands in the 
way of getting on with your life. I think 
that's why a lot of people have these tur- 
bulent relationships where they're scrab- 
bling and making up and having great 
sex and then fighting a lot and then 
making up. And having great sex- 
curtis: The way you describe it, John, it 
sounds really fun. 

CLEESE: I knew it would appeal to you, 
Jami 
curtis: Not the reality, just the way you 
describe it. It sounds like a really great 
way to spend your life. 

CLEESE: If you haven't got anything bet- 
ter to do. That's the point. People like 
that haven't. Otherwise they might just 
have to sit down and read a book or 
make a fretwork model of St. Patrick's 
Cathedral or something. But if you're al- 
ways either desperate about how you're 
going to repair a relationship or enjoy- 
ing the delights of having just repaired 
it, or hating the other person and trying 
to figure out how on earth you're going 
to get rid of them before you make up 
again, that just fills the days 

PLAYBOY: Do the British deal with desire 
differently from Americans? 

CLEESE: We're both equally immature as 
people, but Americans make no pretense 
whatsoever that they're not. They readi- 
ly admit that their desires have to be im- 
mediately satisfied or they'll fly into a 
rage and start saying “Make my day” or 
“Get a life.” Whereas we British pretend 
that we are more mature and therefore 
constantly postpone gratification despite 
the fact that it makes us depressed and 
irritable. Basically, once you've seen Brief 
Encounter, you understand everything. 
PLAYBOY: Could you desire someone who 
didn't desire you? 

curse: When I was young and inexperi- 
enced, I could watch people from afar 
and think how attractive they were. 
Now, by and large, if there isn't some 
kind of mutual buzz going on, I don't 
find I'm attracted. 

curtis: Well, I've never let myself get in- 
to a situation of pining away for some- 
one or something I couldn't have. And 
actually, if I've really wanted something, 
I've gotten it 

PLAYBOY: And once you've gotten it? 
curtis: 1 like having it again. 1 don't 
mind a whole meal of it. I'm kind of 
repetitive by nature. A creature of habit. 
You might even say I'm addictive on 


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some level. I usually get what I want and 
then get it again. And again. And again. 
PLAYBOY: When you say you've always 
gotten everything you've desired, does 
that include roles in films? 

CURTIS: That's a little different. There 
have been things I haven't gotten, but 
never anything I had to have. The idea of 
striving for the unattainable has never 
interested me. 

PLAYBOY: Regarding movies, how well do 
they handle the subject of desire? 
curtis: Badly. That's how they handle it. 
Look at Four Weddings and a Funeral, gen- 
erally perceived as being one of the best 
movies about romantic desire. It was a 
big hit. People loved it. I hated it because 
I didn't believe any of it. I simply 
couldn't stand the Hugh Grant charac- 
ter. I'm totally uninterested in that sort 
of unrealistic, thin-ankled, sloppy- 
socked, baggy-shorted guy quoting Da- 
vid Cassidy songs. He doesn’t exist in 
real life. Real people don't act the way 
people do in that movie. They don't 
make out in the rain; they make out in- 
side, where it’s comfortable. 

CLEESE: I love it when you go offon rants 
like thi 
curtis: But it’s true. You want to yell, 
“Get out of the fucking rain.” 

PLAYBOY: But you do like action-adven- 
ture movies, which don’t have a lot of 
reality. 
CURTIS: 
movies! 
CLEESE: I thought True Lies was auto- 
biographical 

CURTIS: True Lies is funny. It does not pre- 
tend to be real. It's a domestic comedy 
blown up to epic proportions. It’s hilari- 
ous, just as Fierce Creatures is hilarious. 
This is a movie about what happens 
when an American conglomerate takes 
over a London zoo with the idea of mak- 
ing it much more commercial. 

CLeESE: With hilarious consequences. 
And, to bring us back on point, the 
movie is positively brimming with desire. 
Because Kevin Kline won the Academy 
Award for Wanda, we had to give him 
two roles—one character desires high 
status without responsibility, while the 
other craves nothing less than world 
conquest. Jamie's character desires suc- 
cess, but has to settle for mere happi- 
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AN OFFICE ROMANCE oaa from page 78) 


Her red-tipped fingers pulled her little French under- 
pants to one side. <Mary!> he said. 


<The only problem with Easter 
Eggs,> Mary said, «is that they are al- 
ways the same. Whoever designed this 
one obviously had a case of arrested 
development. > 

<I like always the same,> Ken 
replied, 


As he left for the weekend, Ken678 
scanned the crowd of office regulars 
filing down the long steps of City Hall. 
Which woman was Mary97? There was, 
of course, no way of knowing. They were 
all ages, all nationalities, but they all 
looked the same with their blank stares, 
neural-interface gold earrings, and 
mesh marks from their net gloves. 

The weekend seemed to last forever. 
Assoon as the week restarted, Ken raced 
through his Calls and Tasks, then 
cruised the Corridors until he found 
Mary at “their” spot, the open Window 
between Copy and Verify. 

«Isn't it romantic?> she said, looking 
out into April in Paris. 

<I guess,> said Ken impatiently. He 
was thinking of her hands behind her 
back, unfastening. 


[ ENIA NERS HAIE EXPIRATION | 
1 | 
» PRINTED ON THEM? 


Reıanonsus) WHAT? 


y 


10 


«What could be more romantic?> she 
asked, and he could tell she was teasing. 

«A red brassiere,> he said. 

«Then come with me, she said. 

"They met in the Browser three times 
that week. Three times Ken678 heard 
the horse, three times he watched the 
red lace brassiere falling away, falling 
away. That week was the closest to hap- 
piness he would ever come. 


«Do you ever wonder what's under 
the third card?» Mary97 asked. They 
were standing at the Window between 
Copy and Verify. A new week had barely 
restarted. In April in Paris the chestnuts 
were in bloom above the cobblestones. 
"The cafés were empty. A few stick figures 
in the distance were getting in and out of 
carriages. 

«I guess? Ken678 said, though it 
wasn't true. He didn't like to wonder. 

«Me too,» said Mary. 

When they met a few cycles later in the 
Windowless room off the Browser, Mary 
put her red-fingernailed hand on the 
third card and said, « There's one way to 
find out.> 


Ken didn't answer. He felt a sudden 
chill, 

<We both have to do it,> she said. 
«You turn up the queen and I'l turn up 
the third card. Ready?> 

<I guess,> Ken said, though it was 
a lie. 

The third card was the ace of spades. 
As soon as it was turned up, Ken knew 
something was wrong. 

Something felt different. 

It was the cobblestones under his feet. 

It was April in Paris and Ken678 was 
walking down the boulevard. Mary97 
was beside him. She was wearing a low- 
cut, sleeveless peasant blouse and a long, 
full skirt. 

Ken was terrified. Where was the Win- 
dow? Where was the Windowless room? 
<Where are we?> he asked. 

<We are in April in Paris,> Mary 
said. «Inside the exvironment! Isn't it 
exciting?» 

Ken tried to stop walking, but he 
couldn't. «I think we're stuck, he said. 
He tried to close his eyes to avoid panic, 
but he couldn't. 

Mary just smiled the Mary smile and 
they walked along the boulevard, under 
the blooming chestnut trees. They 
passed a café, they turned a corner; they 
d another café, turned another cor- 
ner. It was always the same. The same 
trees, the same cafés, the same cobble- 
stones. The carriages and stick figures in 
the distance never got any closer. 

«Isr't it romantic?» Mary said. «And. 


BY BILL JOHNSON 


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HEY-WERE HISTORY” 


J 


don’t say you guess. 

Shc looked different somchow. Maybe 
it was the outfit. Her peasant blouse was 
cut very low. Ken tried to look down it 
but couldn't. 

"They passed another café. This time 
Mary97 turned in, and Ken was sitting 
across from her at a small sidewalk table. 

«Voilà!» she said. «This Easter Egg 
is more interactive. You just have to look 
for new ways to do things.» She was still 
smiling that Mary smile. The table was 
heart-shaped, like the table in the Win- 
dowless room. Ken leaned across it but. 
still couldn't see down her blouse. 

«Isn't it romantic!» Mary said. «Why 
don't you let me order?» 

«It's time to head back,» Ken said. 
«TII bet our Folders——> 

«Dont be silly; Mary said, opening 
the menu. 

<—are blinking like crazy? he 
finished because it was already in his 
buffer. 

A waiter appeared. He wore a white 
shirt and black pants. Ken tried to look 
at his face, but he didn’t exactly have 
one. There were only three items on 
the menu: 

WALK 

ROOM 

HOME 

Mary pointed at Room, and before she 
had closed the menu they were in a 
wedge-shaped attic room with French 
doors. sitting on the edge of a bed. Now 
Ken could see down Mary97's blouse. 
In fact he could see his two hands 
reach out and pull it down, uncovering 
her two plump, perfect breasts. Her 
nipples were as big and as brown as 
cookies. Through the French doors Ken 
could see the Fiffel Tower and the 
boulevard. 

«Mary,» he said as she helped him 
pull up her skirt. Smiling that Mary 
smile, she lay back with her blouse and 
skirt both bunched around her waist. 
Ken beard a familiar clippety-clop from 
the boulevard below as Mary spread her 
plump, perfect thighs wide. 

<April in Paris, she said. Her red- 
tipped fingers pulled her little French 
underpants to one side and 

He kissed her sweet mouth. <Mary!> 
he said. 

Her red-tipped fingers pulled her lit- 
tle French underpants to one side and 

He kissed her sweet red mouth. 
<Mary!> he said. 

Her red-tipped fingers pulled her lit- 
tle French underpants to one side and 

He kissed her sweet red cookie mouth. 
<Mary!> he said. 

A gendarme’s whistle blew and they 
were back at the sidewalk café. The 
menu was closed on the heart-shaped 
table. «Did you like that?» Mary asked. 
«And don't say you guess.> 

<Like it? I loved it,> Ken said. <But 
shouldn't we head back?> 

«Back?» Mary shrugged. Ken didn't 


know she could shrug. She was holding a 
glass of green liquid. 

Ken opened the menu and the faceless 
waiter appeared 

There were three items on the menu. 
Before Mary could point, Ken pointed 
at HOME, and the table and the waiter 
were gone. He and Mary97 were in 
the Windowless room, and the cards 
were facedown except for the ten of 
diamonds. 

<Why do you want to spoil every- 
thing?> Mary said 

<] don't — » Ken started, but he 
never got to finish. His Folder was blink- 
ing, waitstate interrupt, and he was 
gone. 


«It was romantic,» Ken678 insisted a 
few cycles later when he joined Mary97 
in their usual spot, at the Window in 
the Corridor between Copy and Verify. 
«And I did love it. 

«Then why were you so nervous?» 

«Was I nervous?» 

She smiled that Mary smile. 

<Because I just get nervous,» Ken 
said. «Because April in Paris is not real 
ly part of Microserf Office 6.9.> 

«Sure it is. It’s the exvironment.> 

<It's just Wallpaper. We're not sup- 
posed to be in therc.> 

<It’s an Easter Egg,» Mary97 said. 
«We're not supposed to be having an 
office romance, either. 

«An office romance,> Ken said. «Is 
that what we're having?» 

«Come with me and I'll show you,» 
Mary said, and he did. And she did. 

. 


And he did and she did and they did. 
He met her three times that week and 
three times the next week, every spare 
moment, it seemed. The cobblestones 
and the cafés still made Ken678 nervous, 
but he loved the wedge-shaped attic 
room. He loved Mary's nipples as big 
and as brown as cookies; loved her 
blouse and skirt bunched around her 
waist as she lay on her back with 
her plump, perfect thighs spread wide: 
loved the clippety-clop and her red-tipped 
fingers and her little French underpants 
pulled to one side; loved her. 

It was, after all, a love affair. 

The problem was, Mary97 never 
wanted to go back to Microserf Office 
6.9. After the wedge-shaped room she 
wanted to walk on the boulevard under 
the blooming chestnut trees, or sit in a 
café watching the stick figures get in and 
out of carriages in the distance. 

«Isn't it romantic?> she would say, 
swirling the green liquid in her glass. 

<Time to head back,» Ken would say. 
<T'Il bet our Folders are blinking like 
crazy.> 

<You always say that,> Mary would 
always say. 


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160 


Ken678 had always hated weekends 
because he missed the warm electron 
buzz of Microserf Office 6.9, but now he 
missed it during the week as well. If he 
wanted to be with Mary97 (and he did, 
he did!) it ant April in Paris. Ken 
missed “their” Window in the Corridor 
between Copy and Verify. He missed the 
busy streaming icons and the Folders 
bulging with files and blinking with Calls 
and Tasks. He missed the red brassiere. 
<What happens,> Ken asked late one 
week <if we turn over just the queen?> 
He was turning over just the queen. 
<Nothing,> Mary answered. <Noth- 
ing but the red brassiere.> 
She was already turning over the ace. 


« We need to talk,» Ken678 said final- 
ly. It was April in Paris, as usual. He 
was walking with Mary97 along the 
boulevard, under the blooming chestnut 
trees. 

«What about?» she asked. She 
turned a corner, then another. 

«Things,» he said. 

«Isn't it romantic?» she said as she 
turned into a café. 

<I guess,» he said. <But——> 

«I hate it when you say that,» Mary 
said. 

<— miss the Office,» Ken finished 
hecause it was already in his buffer. 

Mary97 shrugged. «To each his 
own.» She swirled the green liquid in 
her glass. It was thick as syrup; it clung 
to the sides of the glass. Ken had the 
feeling she was looking through him in- 
stead of at him. He tried to see down her 
peasant blouse but couldn't. 

<I thought you wanted to talk,> 


. We did,> Ken said. He 
reached for the menu. 

Mary pulled it away. «I'm not in the 
mood.» 

«We should be getting back, then,» 
Ken said. «T'll bet our Folders are blink- 
ing like crazy. 

ЫШ shrugged. «Go ahead,» she 
said 

<What?> 

«You miss the Office. 1 don't. I'm go- 
ing to stay here.> 

<Here?> Ken tried to look around. 
He could look in only one direction, to- 
ward the boulevard. 

«Why not?» Mary said. «Who's go- 
ing to miss me there?» She took anoth- 
er drink of the green liquid and opened 
the menu. Ken was confused. Had she 
been drinking it all along? 

And why were there four items on the 
menu? 

«Me,» Ken suggested. 

But the waiter had already appeared; 
he, at least, was still the same. 

«Go ahead, go for it,» Mary said, and 
Ken pointed at HOME. Mary was pointing. 
at the new item on the menu: STAY. 

е 


That weekend was the longest of 
Ken678's life. As soon as the week re- 
started, he hurried to the Corridor be- 
tween Copy and Verify, hoping against. 
hope. But there was no Window open 
and, of course, no Mary97. 

He looked for her between Calls and 
Tasks, checking every queue, every Cor- 
ridor. Finally, toward the middle of the 
week, he went to the Windowless room 
off the Browser by himself, for the first 
time. 

Mary97's Folder was gone. The cards 


"Wow! Thal was a first! Гое never had to fake a 
multiple orgasm before.” 


on the tiny, heart-shaped table were 
facedown, except the ten of diamonds. 

He turned up the queen of hearts, but 
nothing happened. He wasn't surprised. 

He turned up the ace of spades and 
felt the cobblestones under his feet. It 
was April in Paris. The chestnuts were in 
bloom, but Ken678 felt no joy. Only a 
sort of thick sorrow. 

He turned into the first café and there 
she was, sitting at the heart-shaped table. 

«Lock who's here,> she said. 

«Your Folder is gone, Ken said. «It 
was in the room when I got back, blink- 
ing like crazy. But that was before the 
weekend. Now it's gone.» 

Mary shrugged. «I'm not going back 
there anyway.> 

«What happened to us?> Ken asked. 

«Nothing happened to us,» Магу 
said. «Something happened to me. Re- 
member when you found what you were 
looking for? Well, І found what I was 
looking for. 1 like it here.» 

Mary pushed the glass of green liquid 
toward him. «You could like it here, 
100, she said. 

Ken didn’t answer. He was afraid if he 
did he would start to cry, even though 
Kens can't cry. 

<Butit's OK,» Mary97 said. She even 
smiled her Mary smile. She took another 
sip and opened the menu. The waiter 
appeared, and she pointed to Room, and 
Ken knew somehow that this was to be 
the last time. 

In the wedge-shaped attic room, he 
could see down Mary's blouse perfect- 
ly. Then his hands were cupping her 
plump, perfect breasts for the last time. 
Through the French doors he could see 
the Eiffel Tower and the boulevard. 
<Mary!> he said, and she lay back with 
her blouse and skirt both bunched 
around her waist, and he knew somehow 
it was the last time. He heard a famil- 
iar clippety-clop from the boulevard as 
she spread her perfect thighs and 
said <April in Paris» Her red-tipped 
fingers pulled her little French under- 
pants to one side and Ken knew some- 
how it was the last time. 

He kissed her sweet red cookie mouth. 
«Mary! he said. She pulled her little 
French underpants to one side and he 
knew somehow it was the last time. 

<Mary!> he said 

It was the last time. 

A gendarme’s whistle blew and they 
were back at the sidewalk café. The 
menu was closed on the heart-shaped 
table. <Are you flirting with me?> Mary 
asked. 

What a sad joke she is making, 
Ken678 thought. He tried to smile even 
though Kens can't smile. 

<Yow're supposed to answer, What if I 
am?» Mary said. She took another drink 
of the green liquid. She swirled it jaunti- 
ly, No matter how much she drank there 
was always plenty left. 

«Time to head back,> Ken said. «My | 


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Folder will be blinking like crazy. 

<I understand. Its OK. Come and 
see me sometime, she said. «And don't 
say, I guess.» 

Ken678 nodded even though Kens 
can't nod. It was more like a stiff bow. 
Mary97 opened the menu. The waiter 
came and Ken pointed to HOME. 

. 


Ken678 spent the next two weeks 
working like crazy. He was all over Mi- 
croserf Office 6.9. As soon as his Folder 
blinked he was off, on Call, triple Task- 
ing, burning up the Corridors. He 
avoided the Corridor between Copy and 
Verify, though, just as he avoided the 
Browser. He almost paused at an open 
Window once. But he didn't want to look 
at April in Paris. It was too lonely with- 
out Mary. 

Four weeks passed before Ken678 
went back to the Windowless room in 
the Browser. He dreaded secing the 
cards on the heart-shaped table. But the 
cards were gone. Even the table was 
gone. Ken saw the scuff marks along the 
wall, and he realized that the Optimizer 
had been through. The room had been 
erased again and was being overwritten. 

When he left the room he was no 
longer lonely. He was accompanied by a 
great sorrow. 

The next week he went by the room 
again and found it filled with empty 
Folders. Perhaps one of them was 
Mary97's. Now that the Easter Egg was 
gone, Ken678 no longer felt guilty about 
not going to see Mary97. He was free to 
love Microserf Office 6.9 again, free to 
enjoy the soft electron buzz, the busy 
streaming icons and the long, silent 
queues. But at least once a week he stops 
by the Corridor between Copy and Veri- 
fy and opens the Window. You might 
find him there even now, looking out in- 
to April in Paris. The chestnuts are in 
bloom, the cobblestones shine, the car- 
riages are letting off stick figures in the 
distance. The cafés are almost empty. A 
lone figure sits at a tiny table, a figure 
that might be her. 

They say you never get over your first 
love. Then Mary97 must have been my 
first love, Ken678 likes to think. He has 
no interest in getting over her. He loves 
to remember her red fingernails, her 
soft Mary voice and her Mary smile, her 
nipples as big and as brown as cookies, 
her little French underpants pulled to 
one side—her. 

The figure in the café must be 
Mary97. Ken678 hopes so. He hopes she 
is OK in April in Paris. He hopes she is as 
happy as she once made, is still making, 
him. He hopes she is as wonderfully sad 

But look: His Folder is blinking like 
crazy, a waitstate interrupt, and it's time 


to go. 
EJ 


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CRUTCHFIELD 


PLAYBOY 


162 


CONAN O'BRIEN (continued fem page 114 


Nobody has cooler hair than Jack Lord. I wanted my 
hair to be a shelf that I could keep figurines on. 


cartoonish, and people like that. We 
have a Bob Dole who sounds like the 
mayor of Munchkin Land. We have a 
Clinton who sounds like Slim Pickens’ 
character in Dr. Strangelove. We have a 
Boris Yeltsin who is Boris Badenov of 
Rocky and Bullwinkle fame. We put these 
lips on them and people just accept it. 


їз. 


PLAYBOY: We've noticed you've become 
much more comfortable with the talk- 
show host's tradition of interrupting 
guests to make jokes at their expense. 

O'BRIEN: І usually interrupt them to 
make jokes at my expense. My style isn't. 
so much to destroy people. Га do it if I 
could. If I could rip people apart verbal- 
ly and leave them smoldering, I'd do it. 
If there's someone on the show who has 


to be ridiculed, like Fabio, I'll do the job. 
But I don't usually see that as my goal. 
T'll just be the fast-talking, half wise 
guy-half coward who makes guests act 
more foolish than they normally would 
by acting foolish myself. I don’t really 
think I'm a horrible freak, but it's always 
been a source of my comedy. I've had 
people say to me, "The show's doing 
great now, so you should stop doing self 
deprecating humor." They don't under- 
stand. If the show knocked 60 Minutes 
and Friends off the chart and became this 
entertainment juggernaut, I'd still find 
myself fairly ridiculous. When attractive 
women come on, | flirt with them. I gen- 
erally make a fool of myself, but that 
means all the men watching at home can. 
feel better about themselves because 
they know they would have handled it 


"Ritual satanic abuse is a powerful 
defense, Mr. Lewis. Are you sure you want to 
blow it on parking violations?" 


better. They choose me for late night so 
they can feel better about themselves. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: Do you predict a talent-search 
program and magazine publishers prize 
giveaways in Andy Richter's future? 

O'BRIEN: Ed McMahon and Andy have al- 
ready entered into discussions. It’s really 
up to Ed who will be the chosen sidekick 
for the next generation. On our show, 
there was no goal to revive the sidekick. 
The only goal was to go back to more of 
a Carson treatment—to revisit that era 
of TV talk shows with full-blown sketch- 
es and production numbers. What Let- 
terman did so brilliantly was to create 
the comedy of not trying. 1 couldn't out- 
Letterman Letterman. I couldn't take 
ironic detachment to the next level. I 
kept hearing the name Andy Richter, so 
Isetup a meeting with him. I was ten 
minutes into talking with him and I 
thought, l'm going to hire this guy. 
What's great about Andy is he has that. 
solid Ed McMahon look and a deep an- 
nouncer's voice, and he has a little bit of 
the polish a second banana should have. 


15. 


pLavsov: The clip of a guest's latest mov- 
ie is standard late-night fare. Do you feel 
terribly used when guests plug their 
projects, or are you grateful for anything 
that helps fill airtime? 

orien: I choose B. So they show a clip, 
great. That's 30 seconds I don't have to 
think about. These shows are whore- 
houses. People come on and pretty 
much prostitute themselves for their 
projects, and 1 prostitute myself for their 
projects. I do an hour a night, and if 
someone came on and wanted to show а 
40-minute clip, I'd shake his hand and 
say, "Go ahead, I don't care." During 
clips, I leave the stage, get a massage and 
talk with my family in Boston. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: You're an M.D.'s son, so we pre- 
sume you take a special interest in your 
employees’ medical care. Have you en- 
rolled Late Night staffers in an HMO, or 
do you allow them to choose their own 
physicians? 

ORIEN: I'm the Henry Ford of late- 
night talk shows. I'm for getting the 
cheapest labor possible and providing 
the fewest services. I'm very backward 
in my views. I'll provide leeches if you 
get sick. But I’m one of those people 
who lets everything get better on its 
own. So was my dad, who would say 
if I had a sore throat, "Your immune 
system will take care of it and you'll get 
better." 


17. 


PLAYBOY: Fashion style is evolving from 
grunge and stubble to the clean-cut look 
with a healthy shock of hair. Want to 
claim some credit? 


O'BRIEN: Yes. But the master is really Jack 
Lord of Hawati Five-O. Nobody has ever 
had cooler hair than Jack Lord. If they 
don't broadcast Hawati Five-O in your 
area, call your cable company and ask 
for it. That guy had the hair. Some peo- 
ple think I started having crazy hair 
when I got my TV show. Not true. In 
high school I looked like Jack Lord. I 
was working on the Jack Lord thing 
when I was, like, 16 years old. 1 don't 
know why I had that obsession, but I 
wanted my hair to be a shelf that I could 
keep figurines on. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: One night you showed a tape of 
a White House dinner you attended in 
honor of Irish president Mary Robinson. 
Wasn't that instance of self-promotion 
just a bit too blatant? 

O'BRIEN: There's this old saying that the 
reason American Plains Indians—Native 
Americans: I want to be politically cor- 
rect here—were able to survive was that 
they used every part of the buffalo. They 
didn't just use the meat, they also used 
the foreskin to make coin pouches and 
used the hooves as telephones. This 
show uses every part of the buffalo. If 
something happens in my private life or 
in Andy's private life, we turn it into a 
comedy sketch. When the White House 
invites me to a state dinner because it’s 
rounding up "prominent Irish Ameri- 
cans"—isn't that a great phrase? апа 
there's footage of me shaking hands with 
the president, we're going to turn it into 
a comedy bit. For this, by the way, they 
invited every Irish American who had a 
job to the White House, and those who 
wore tuxes were allowed in the door. 
The White House has it down like a 
good restaurant. The maitre d' comes by 
and shakes your hand and knows who 
you are and says, “So good to sce you, 
right this way.” We got real good Irish 
cuisine: beef marbled with lots of fat and 
a potato and then another potato and 
then for dessert, a potato. The weirdest 
part of the evening was when dessert 
came: It had a chocolate Irish flag on 
top. I thoughtit was such a strange act of 
patriotism to eat your native country's 
flag, but I did it happily. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: You recently visited the Emer- 
ald Isle. Was it only your great height 
that set you apart from the locals? 
OBRIEN: Visiting Ireland for the first 
time was very much like waiting to use 
the bathroom in my family’s house, 
hanging around with people who have 
big, wide faces and pleasant dispositions. 
Suddenly it all made sense. Going back 
to Ireland, I understood why my skin is 
so pale. It’s really foggy and rainy there. 
And I understood why I talk so much, 
because everyone was very inquisitive 
and talkative. I saw why my cholesterol is 
so high. Want some more butter? How 


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about more meat? Want some sausage? 
Have some butter with that meat. Some 
more meat with your sausage? Gravy 
with that? So many things hooked up for 
me, it was a revelation. So this is why I 
am the way I am. This is why I'm des- 
tined to have a heart attack when I'm 48. 
Something most people don't know 
about the Irish is that our heads are 
twice the size of other people's heads. We 
have giant heads and big faces. Look 
at Ted Kennedy's head in your spare 
time. That guy's got a giant melon. And 
Daniel Patrick Moynihan. That's the 
curse of the Irish—giant heads, balloon 
heads, parade-float heads. Irish people 
can have normal-sized heads into their 
30s, but once they get into their 40s, 
their faces get really big and red and 
round. It’s going to happen to me. I'll 
have to get out of TV for that reason. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: You and your girlfriend spent a 
New Year's Eve together vith your ex- 
girlfriend, Friends star Lisa Kudrow, and 
her husband. Are you trying to show 
the rest of us how to manage our re- 
lationships with women in a sophisti- 


cated, mature way? 
OBRIEN: I hope so. That's the point of it 
all. The reason it works is that Lisa and I 
were really good friends for 98 percent 
of the time we knew each other. I know 
you're not interested in that, but we cre- 
ated a foundation that helped us survive 
the fact that we were involved and then 
we weren't. Would you like to hear that 
we spent the evening in a chalet? 1 can 
make it a chalet if you want. All right, it 
was in a chalet. Lisa's husband and I 
came to blows. We fought in the snow. 
Lisa came out and said, "Stop it, 1 won't 
have it anymore." Just then lightning 
struck. We realized we had been mak- 
ing fools of ourselves, apologized and 
walked all the way back to town as the 
snow fell. How do you like that? Want 
the truth? We had a really good time. We 
went to a restaurant. The part | didn't 
like about the evening was that they pro- 
vided silly hats. I'm just not a silly-hat 
guy. not because I might make a fool of 
myself but because it obscures valuable 
hair. But Lisa and her husband and my 
girlfriend all put on the silly hats, so 
eventually I had to. 


м/о о 


"Salmon . . . I see lots of salmon." 


SEX and the SUPER BOWL 
(continued from page 66) 


them on the field under his uniform. For 
warmth, he said. 

The Packers would have turned to 
ice first. 

Football's Elvis, the first man to re- 
mind fans that testicles are football- 
shaped, could afford to tweak the game's 
grim macho code. He was hetero in a 
better way, so securely male he didn't 
have to act like a jerk to prove it. While 
baseball's mythic Yankees made a juve- 
nile hobby of peeking up women's skirts, 
or “beaver shooting,” the 25-year-old 
from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania had 
grown-up pursuits. He escorted models 
to his own pub, Bachelors ПІ, then 
home to the white llama rug in his bach- 
elor pad. How did Broadway Joe train 
before games? 

"With a blonde," he said. 

All this was a shock to boys like me 
who saw Bart Starr as the national quar- 
terback, the president of manhood. You 
couldn't imagine Starr having sex. The 
closest I could come was picturing the 
moment immediately after: Starr claps 
his hands once and bounces to his feet, 
and Jerry Kramer hands him a towel. 

Now here came Namath, a media- 
hungry cock of the walk who wrote 
about sex in his book / Can't Wait Until 
Tomorrow Cause I Get Better Looking Every 
Day. Reading that book. keeping my 
place with a Blessed Virgin bookmark, 1 
suspected for the first time that being a 
man might be fun after all 

Sunning himself poolside before Su- 
per Bowl ПІ, Namath guaranteed victo- 
ry against the NFL's heavily favored, 
crewcut Colts. The establishment wasn't 
worried. 

"You've got to remember, this was a 
guy lying in a chaise longue," says a 
league insider. Translation: While Na- 
math played Zonker Harris, the Colts 
were running drills that would have 
made Sergeant Rock throw up. 

Baltimore was the team of Johnny 
Unitas. Stone-faced like Starr but a bet: 
ter passer, Unitas was efficiency incar- 
nate, the gray-flannel quarterback. But 
he had a bum elbow. His understudy, 
burr-headed Earl Morrall, was the 
league MVP. So Namath dissed Earl, say- 
ing there were five better QBs in the 
AEL, “induding me.” 

Then he proved it. 

Born-on date of modern sports: Janu- 
ary 12, 1969. 

Score: Jets 16, Colts 7. 

Unitas made a final fling or two, but. 
his era was over. Namath, jogging off the 
field with his index finger raised, was 
America’s new alpha male, 

On that day Starr, Unitas and the 
Eisenhower world they represented re- 
ceded like my father's hairline. A para- 
digm shift occurred, a redefinition of 
cool. Before 1969 the word meant calm, 


unflappable: Unitas kept his cool. Now it 
was a personal style: Namath is cool. 

With SB III American cowboys, war 
heroes and presidents all stepped down 
a rung. Pro football men were to be our 
primary heroes. The following year, 
more Americans watched the Super 
Bowl than saw Neil Armstrong walk on 
the moon. In the Seventies and Eighties 
the game came to mirror and occasional- 
ly even shape our idea of what it means 
to be a man. The greatest figures of all 
were Super Bowl quarterbacks, men so 
stellar that it took anew word to describe 
them: They were superstars. 

There was Roger Staubach, a clean- 
living military man out of the U.S. Naval 
Academy, the Namath antidote. Stau- 
bach was the hero of the million boys 
who sold toothbrushes for the Fellow- 
ship of Christian Athletes. 

There was Terry Bradshaw, punkin- 
head sayant. As a rookie, Bradshaw 
lamely tried to impress his Steeler el- 
ders, standing up at meetings and telling 
dirty jokes. An opponent said he would 
need a two-letter head start to spell cat. 
But he won four Super Bowls, blazing a 
trail for sly rubes from William Jefferson 
Clinton to another mythic male: the “I 
love you, man!” guy in the beer ads. 

Jim McMahon, the punk QB, won his 
Super Bowl despite a bum gluteus 
(“Pulled my butt"). McMahon, male 
hero as junkyard dog, livened up hud- 
dies by spitting at teammates. When a 
news helicopter buzzed the field, he 
mooned it. 

Even the Alda era had its Super Bowl 
hero, the fey Fran Tarkenton, always 
skittering away from conflict. 

At last the game begot the greatest 
Bowl hero of all, a man who jogged, 
passed and triumphed so coolly it 
seemed he lived on a slower clock than 
the rest of us. [oe Montana combined 
Namath's casual air and Starr's efficien- 
cy. Leading the Nielsen as well as the 
quarterback ratings, he became onc of 
the most famous men in world history by 
starring in two of the top ten sports 
shows of all time—Super Bowl XVI and 
Super Bowl XIX. 

Montana called 122 Super Bowl pass 
plays to Richard Nixon's one. (President 
Nixon phoned the play to Dolphin coach 
Don Shula in 1972.) By now the Bowl 
had already eclipsed politics and other. 
sorts of potency. Even religion had lost. 
ground. Church attendance tumbled on 
Super Sunday. Pop philosopher Nor- 
man Vincent Peale knew why: “If Jesus 
were here today,” Peale said, “he would 
be at the Super Bowl.” 

But somebody else wouldn't. For in 
the 30 years in which the male envelope 
was pushed, stretched and twisted be- 
yond recognition—enough to contain 
Namath, McMahon and Tarkenton as 
well as golden boy Troy Aikman and par- 
tyman Michael Irvin, the reputed coke- 
head and strip-searcher of hookers—al- 


most every possible male role has been 
explored for hero potential. With only 
one casualty: the role we started with. 

There are no more Bart Starrs. Even 
in the military the grimly efficient Starr 
role is on its way out. Scandals such as 
Tailhook show how unnatural it always 
was. Try stamping out man's wild oaty 
exuberance—the Namathness of male- 
ness—and it reasserts itself in grab-ass 
games and worse. That is one lesson 
of the Super Bowl era: Expression beats 
repression. 

But evolution never ends. The Starr- 
type star was replaced first by Namath, 
then by Montana and finally by a variety 
of self-expressionists who never set foot 
on the field. 


THE COCA-COLA ORGASM 


The game remains a test of testicles. 
Just ask the losers. The Cowboys will 
“test a person's manhood until someone 
knocks them off the pedestal,” one vic- 
tim grumbles. 

A frisson of macho sex still attends the 
Super Bowl. In Tampa, before SB XXV. 
opponents Lawrence Taylor and Jim 
Kelly embraced as they left a strip club 
where they had co-judged a topless 
beauty pageant. 

But another game, a metacontest, is 
played every year among corporate cow- 
boys. Ever since Pete Rozelle (note the 
i Is) adapted the NFI. schedule to 
suit Bud, Coke et al., his corporate cli- 
ents have sprayed money like cheap 
champagne all over the game. In 1986 
Ford Motors spent $1 million entertain- 
ing its top salesmen at SB XIX. Today 
that sum is pocket change. 

"The game today is corporate-driven. 
The Visa people, the Coca-Cola people 
and the Sherwin-Williams paint people, 
they're more a part of the Super Bowl 
than us football people,” says longtime 
Cowboy executive Gil Brandt. He has 
seen every Super Bowl and applauds the 
game's growth, but still feels a bit out- 
numbered at today’s corpfests. “Some 
teams in the league might send six or 
scven people," Brandt says, "while Coca- 
Cola sends 200." Corporate Super jun- 
kets are called “Attaboys.” You earn one 
by kicking business butt. 

"Not only are the players on the field 
the best in their business, but the people 
in the stands are also the best," crows Bill 
Cullom, president of the Greater Miami 
Chamber of Commerce, in The Sacramen- 
to Bee. But they aren't necessarily football 
fans. In fact, they may care less about 
seeing the game than about being seen. 

Question: What's the chic thing to say 
in a Super Bowl skybox? 

Answer: "Who's playing?" 

“The game isn't for the fans. It's for 
the NFL to pay back all those sponsors 
and corporations that buy in,” one SB 
party planner told writer John Under- 
wood in The New York Times. Tickets are 
the chips the league uses “to reward 


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166 


politicians, civic leaders, media." 

“The Super Bowl has nothing to do 
with football fans. It’s a party for corpo- 
rate America," saysanother NFL insider. 

Brokers working for major corpora- 
tions now hunt up scalped tickets, pay- 
ing $500 to $3500 for admittance to “the 
greatest indulgence in the world." 

Dave Meggysey, a former NFL player, 
calls Super Bowl week "the corporations’ 
orgasms of self-congratulation.” 

Limousines are no longer good 
enough. Alpha males helicopter to the 
game le schmucks sit in traffic in 
their limos. Like the Academy Awards, 
each Super Bowl features the postmod- 
ern spectacle of limo gridlock: tuxedoed 
drivers yelling at one another; fuming 
CEOs forced to watch the kickoff on 
backseat TVs. 

Jim Steeg, executive director of special 
events for the NFL, has a helipad crisis 


10 solve this year. "We may not get the 
pad site we planned on,” Steeg tells me. 
Super Bowl chopper traffic has gotten so 
dense that chief executives may spend 
half an hour waiting their turn at the 
official Super Bow! helipad, wherever 
Steeg puts it. Which leads us to a super 
irony, a small but sweet revenge for the 
managerial underclass: Steeg says limo 
travel may actually be better these days. 
“Last year a guy in a limo beat a guy in a 
helicopter home by 20 minutes,” he says. 

At the best parties, hosted by the likes 
of Anheuser-Busch and Sports Illustrat- 
ed, the best things in life are comped. 
"There's free champagne, beautiful 
girls, shrimp as big as your foot,” says 
one fan. 

Hottest ticket of all: admission to pri- 
vate parties such as the annual bash 
thrown by Barron Hilton, former part- 
owner of the San Diego Chargers. Even 


МААЕ 
© 


the annual Commissioner's Party pales 
in comparison. Invitations to Hilton's 
bash are actually scalped by whispering 
ticket brokers. Oddsmaker Danny Sheri- 
dan, a CBS football analyst and PLAYBOY 
contributor, was among a select few me- 
dia members invited to Hilton's Super 
Bowl shindig in 1996. "It's hard to be- 
heve if you haven't been there. This is a 
party where, if you said, `1 want plutoni- 
um on my omelette,’ you'd get it,” Sheri- 
dan says. Aside from roast beef and 
seafood tables 50 yards long, Hilton's ul- 
traexclusive game-day brunch features 
belly dancers, fortune-tellers, jugglers, a 
string quartet and the requisite bit of 
sex: Amid the seafood, reclining on an 
ice sculpture, lolls a bathing beauty in a 
barely-there bikini. The oysters are be- 
hind her. You have to lean way over if 
you want some. 

In the suites at the Riverside Hilton, in 
limos moving through the mists of the 
French Quarter and past a relic streetcar 
labeled Desire, Super Bowl week re- 
volves around sex, money and what Hen- 
ry Kissinger called the ultimate aphro- 
disiac: power. 

Politicians love the Super Bowl. Did 
you know that members of Congress 
have easy access to Super Bowl tickets? 
They become precious chips in the pow- 
er poker game that makes America go. 
According to one source, “Our govern- 
ment takes care of the NFL with favor- 
able legislation, and the NFL recipro- 
cates. Super Bowl tickets are a way to pay 
back the politicians for their help, but it’s 
bigger than that. Five years ago, Con- 
gress banned sports betting in every 
state where it didn't already exist. The 
NFL wanted that bill to pass. Do you 
know who got it through the Senate? 
Dennis DeConcini of Arizona. And who 
got the Super Bowl last year?” 

Super Bowl XXX brought an estimat- 
ed $150 million to the local economy. It 
was held in Tempe. 


WHAT IT ALL MEANS 


Dallas won. Partymen Deion Sanders 
and the alleged Michael Irvin shimmied 
their packages postgame as Vince Lom- 
bardi shimmied in his grave. But for one 
brief moment the most macho man in 
the world was a fiftyish fellow named 
Barry Switzer. After his team's 27-17 
win, Switzer jokingly called for a post- 
game quaff, Jack Daniel's and Percodan. 
In his suite, two women waited for 
hugs—Switzer's ex-wife Kay and his girl- 
friend Becky. 

Does it get any better? 

The Cowboy coach thrust his hands in 
the air. It was, is, the essential male ges- 
ture, unchanged since we were ape-men 
dancing bloody-fisted over bloody lions. 
Fists overhead means dominance, victo- 
ry, butt-kicking masculinity. 

"Now let's win the party!" he said. 


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PLAYMATE F NEWS 


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When did you first 
publish the Playmate 
Review? 

The first review 
appeared in Janu- 
ary 1956. 


Who was the first 
PMOY? 

Ellen Stratton— 
in 1960 


Who are the Anniversary Playmates? 
5th—Joyce Nizzari 
10th—Donna Michelle 
15th—Leslie Bianchini 
20th—Nancy Cameron 
95th— Candy Loving 
30th—Penny Baker 
35th Fawna MacLaren 
40th —Anna-Marie Goddard 


corporate execs, innkeepers, philan- 
thropists, teachers, wives, mothers 
and even grandmothers. Is there a 
better way to keep the connection 
alive? Find out where your favorite 
Playmate is today and enjoy the 
nostalgic moment 

when you see 
her again. You 
can visit a book- 
store or order ғ 
through us via 
the Playboy Prod- 
ucts catalog (800- 
423-9494; $50). 


MOS 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


Before Steve Sullivan could Ss 
his magazine Glamour Girls of the 
Century, he wanted to rank the 100 
most beautiful women of all time. To 
do that, Sulli- 
van created 
the All-Time 
Glamour Girl 
Survey сз- 
pecially for 
Playboy's 
Listserv 
group and 
lobbied for 
help from 
pin-up col- 
lectors and 
fans all over 
the country. 
Nearly 600 
people cast 
votes for more 
than 1850 women, including Play- 
mates, models, actresses and even 
strippers. Not surprisingly, Marilyn 
Monroe, who was featured as PLAYBOY'S 
very first “Sweetheart of the Month” 
in December 1953, took the top spot. 
Other winners who have appeared in 
PLAYBOY: Jayne Mansfield (#2), Bettie 
Page (#4), Samantha Fox (#11) and 
Cynthia Myers (#13). You will find a 
ranking of the top 500 vote-getters 
posted on the Listserv site. 


Вене Росе 


PLAYMATE DI 


GUE 


“When it comes to a glamour photo- 
graph. I really don't care how much, 
ifanything, is exposed. But I do think 
about it. After all, I'm a heterosexual 
male. One of my favorite photos of 


KONA CARMACK: 
“Playmates are like a sorority. 
We stick together.” 


Marilyn Monroe is over my desk. It's 
a simple head-and-shoulders shot. 
She has a great face, but not a killer 


face. What makes this photo is the at- 
titude she projects. It's an invitation 
that is a perfect blend of sophistica- 
tion and innocence.”— Mark Tomlon- 
son, tomlonson@wmich.edu. 


QUOTE UNQUOTE 


“People send me The Playboy Book and 
current issues of the 
magazine for my au- 
tograph. Its a good = 
feeling that 30 years 
later I was asked to 
be in Playmate Revis- 
ited. My life with 
PLAYBOY was the | 
best thing 1 ever Ё 
did, and if I had 
to do it over, I would ina 
second. Га like to be a centerfold 
every year." 

— DEDE LIND, MISS AUGUST 1967 


“Being a Playmate in the Seventies 
was very different 
from being a Play- 
mate today. Women 
have more choices 
now and more op- 
portunities. I'm glad 
pravaoy finally ran 
some pictorials of 
women over 40 
When I'm 80 years old, 
it’s going to be a kick to show people 
my centerfold.” 
— CYNDI WOOD, MISS FEBRUARY 1078 


PLAYMATE HOME PAGES 


Spend the morning with Kona Car- 
mack, the afternoon with Julie Cialini 
and the evening with Bettie Page. 
While that may sound like a far- 
fetched fantasy, thanks to the wizards 
in PLAYBOY's New Media Department 
such a day is actually possible. Visit 
the Playmates’ home pages as often as 
you'd like. It's one of the Cyber 
Club's many membership privileges. 
The club can be found at cyber. 
playboy.com. Marilyn 


PLAYMATE TRIVIA 


Monroe has her own 
home page, and so do 
the other Playmates. You 
can check out their data 
sheets, video and sound 
clips and unpublished 
photos—or you can buy 


where you can pose your question in 
real time to featured Playmates. A lit- 
tle-known fact: Playmates have been 
in cyberspace for 25 years. At the 
University of Southern California, 
when programmers needed an image 
to test digital-compression technolo- 
gy—to send images through phone 
wires—who did they use? November 
1972 Playmate Lenna Sjööblom. Who 
says image isn't everything? 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


ay ANOTHER SALUTE FROM JO 
COLLINS: This past Veter- 
ans Day, Playmates de- 
scended on the Motown 
ER Café in New York for Op- 
— eration Playmate to raise 
money for veterans’ groups. Jo 
Collins, 1965 Playmate of the Year, 
spearheaded the first Operation 
Playmate in Vietnam. She was 
joined by Bebe Buell, DeDe Lind, 
Donna Edmondson and Stacy 
Sanches. . . . Julie Cialini is the 
spokesmodel for a new cologne, 
Live, sold at Camelot record 
stores. . . . Gillian Bonner debuted 
a CD-ROM series for her Black 
Dragon Productions. Riana Rouge 
features live-action video, three- 
dimensional animation and an ad- 
venture story line. . . . Cynthia 
Myers will be featured in Steve 
Sullivan's sequel to Va Va Voom!, 
a tribute to pin-ups and glamour 
girls. . . . Yvette Vickers’ cult fol- 
lowing began vith the sci-fi movies 
Attack of the 50 
Foot Woman and 
Attack of the 
Giant Leeches. 
When she ap- 
pears at sci- 
ence fiction 
conventions, 
her fans go 
wild. E 
Look for 
Lisa Marie 
Scott in 
three moy- 
ies: Ringer, иш 
Corporate  Bockolh, Westcott 
Ladder and 
Glass Cage. . . . Petra Verkaik has 
produced her own calendar called 
Pin-Up Girls 1997, which includes 
many of her Playmate friends. Call 
800-rın-ur97 to order. . . . Tina 
Bockrath and Carrie Westcott 


collectibles. Think of it: 
lip prints and auto- 


_____ the Seventies pw: 
3 joined Playmates across the coun- 


try for Kiss Across America last 
fall to raise money for Cable Posi 
tive, the cable industry's lead- 
ing AIDS organization, The kisses 
flew from coast to coast. Did you 
get one? 


56" 115 Ibs. 
the Eighties graphs. Then you can 


stop by the Playmate Fan 
Club to post a message 
for your favorite Play- 
mate or to other club 
members. Or enter an 
auditorium chat room, 


56" 113165. 


emm Nineties 
116 Ibs. 


WD м, 


JOHN KENNEDY 


(continued from page 130) 
slow striptease by John Kennedy. He 
sells the ads. He lands the interviews. 
And he talks to Oprah about who 
thought up the idea of putting his fa- 
ther's alleged girlfriend on the cover of 
his magazine. 

“Tt was a collective one, I think,” said 
Kennedy. “I mean, what actually hap- 
pened was that some of our editors had a 
meeting and thought about the idea 
And then I said—we were going over 
it—to one of them, ‘You know, we really 
should do something,’ Because we've al- 
ways played with political imagery. And 1 
said, ‘It's part of American history. It’s a 
famous image.” 

One Kennedy friend tells a startling 
story about the family’s attitude toward 
the Monroe episode. 

“He once told me they had the tape of 
Marilyn at home, and they would sit 
around laughing at it,” said the friend. 
“It sounds weird, I guess. But what else 
could they do?” 

Is this plausible? Maybe so. Jackie 
Kennedy watched one of the television 
biopics about herself and laughed like 
crazy, friends have reported. When 
Oprah offered to roll the Monroe tape 
during Kennedy’s visit to her show this 
past September, John didn't flinch. “I've 
seen it a few times, but ГИ watch it 
again,” he said. When the tape finished, 
he quipped: “She can carry a tune 
to boot.” 

“He gets very bad advice,” said a fam- 
ily friend. “He trusts other people.” 

But he doesn't trust everybody. One 
October evening he took the subway 
home from work, changed his suit for 
shorts, a T-shirt and a pair of in-line 
skates and rolled along near the Hudson 
River until nine р.м. Reporters were 
waiting at his door. 

“Is Carolyn pregnant?” one of them 
shouted. Kennedy scowled. 

“1 don't comment,” he said, measur- 
ing every word, “on our personal life.” 

“So is she pregnant?” the reporter 
persisted. 

“Would you say if you were preg- 
nant?" Kennedy shot back and went into 
his building. 

A writer recently called George about 
mecting Kennedy to discuss a story. 
"Can't do it today,” said his secretary. 
“He has meetings until 2:30, then he's at 
the gym from three to six. 

Those are his terms. The people in 
that famous picture by Dan Farrell are 
disappearing. Peter Lawford. Bobby 
Kennedy. Jacqueline Kennedy. Even the 
little boy who was told when to salute is 
all but gone. Now it's his picture. And 
he'll pose how he wants to. 


HOW T 


"ERE 
m G 


O BUY 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can contact 
for information on where to 
find this month's merchandise. 
To buy the apparel and equip- 
ment shown on pages 15, 24, 
79-83, 100-103 and 171, 
check the listings below to find 
the stores nearest you. 


WIRED. 
Page 15: “We're All Ears”: 


MI 


ау 


Boss, Washington, DC, 202- 
625-2677 and King of Prus- 
PA, 610-992-1400. Page 
81: Coat by Ermenegildo 
Zegna, а Neiman Marcus 
stores. Fedora by Makins, at 
Saks Fifth Avenue and Nei- 
man Marcus stores. Shirt 
and tie by Boss Hugo Boss, at 
Hugo Boss, Washington, 
DC, 202-625-2677 and 
King of Prussia, PA, 610- 


Personal Internet recorder 
by Audio Highway, 800-77-LISTEN. "A Few 
Good Men—and Demons”: Video game 
software by ID Software, 800-1D-GAMES. 
“Wild Things": Universal remote control, 
modules and transmitter by RCA, 800- 
336-1900. Modem by Sega, 800-USA-SEGA. 


STYLE 
Page 24: "It's in the Bag": Golf bags: By 
Salvatore Ferragamo, at Salvatore Ferr 
gamo stores, By Luciano Barbera, at Louis 
of Boston, 617-262-6100. By Giorgio Ar- 
mani, at Giorgio Armani boutiques. By 
Louis Vuitton, 212-971-0111. By Ralph Lau- 
Ten, at exclusive pro shops. At Barneys, 
Beverly Hills, 510-276-4400 and NY 
212-826-8900. “South for the Winter 
Windbreaker by Tommy Hilfiger, at Ма 
and Dillard's stores. Shirts by Gene Meyer, 
at Saks Fifth Avenue stores. Jacket fro: 
Perry Ellis, at Marshall Field's stores. Ch 
nos by DANY and pullover by CK Calvin 
Klein, at select Bloomingdale's stores. 
Pullover by Nicole Farhi, at Fred Sega 
213-051-3342. “Hot Shopping: Honolu- 
lu”: Baileys Antiques and Aloha Shirts, 808- 
734-7628. Go Bananas Kayaking, 808-137- 
9514. Soccer Locker, 808-782-5717. Sumo 
Connection, 808-737-9116. Island Golf, 808- 
732-5274. “Screen/Play”: Moisturizers: 
By Chanel, Bijan and Kenzo, at fine depart- 
ment stores. By Neutrogena, at specialty 
stores, By Face Stockholm, 212-334-3900. 


HATS & COATS 

Page 79: Fedora by Makins, at Saks Fifth 
Avenue and Neiman Marcus stores. Page 
80: Coat by Agnona, at Saks Fifth Avenue 
stores. Fedora by Makins, at Saks Fifth Av- 
спис and Neiman Marcus stores. Sports 
jacket by Perry Ellis, at select. Burdines 
stores. Tie by Ferry Ellis, at Bloomingdale's 
stores, Shirt by Bess Hugo Boss, at Hugo 


992-1400. Page 82: Coat by 
Allegri, at Louis of Boston, 617-262-6100 
and Saks Fifth Avenue stores. Sports jack- 
et by Perry Ellis, at select Burdines stores. 
Shirt by Perry Ellis Portfolio, at Blooming- 
dale's stores. Tie by Joseph Abboud, at 
Nordstrom and Bloomingdale's stores. Fe- 
dora by Worth c Worth, 212-867-6058. Page 
83: Coat by Luciano Barbera, at Barneys 
New York, 212-826-8900 and Bergdorf 
Goodman, 212-753-7300. Fedora by Worth 
© Worth, 212-867-6058. Suit from Bal- 
dessarini Hugo Boss, at Hugo Boss, Wash- 
ington, DG, 202-625-2677. Shirt by Empo- 
rio Armani, at Emporio Armani stores, Tie 
by Etro, 212-719-1645. 


CUPID'S QUIVER 
Pages 101-103: Champagne from Pol 
Roger, 800-RED-WINE. Bath products by 
Emporio Armani, at all Emporio Armani 
stores, Sterling silver compact from As- 
prey, 800-883-2777. Ring by Joel Soskil, 
from Magnum Designs, 888-624-6864. 
Bracelet [rom Cartier, 312-266-7440. Per- 
fame from Jean-Paul Gaultier, at fine de- 
partment stores. Picture frame from ABC 
Carpet & Home, 212-473-3000. Resorts: 
Sandals Royal Bahamian, 800-726-3257. 
Hayman Island, 800-366-1300. Hotel 
Lutetia, 800-888-4747. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 171: “How Swect It Is": M&M candy 
from FAO Schueetz, 312-787-3773. Choco- 
lates and truffles by Godiva Chocolatier, 
Inc., 800-9-Goptva. Vodka-filled choco- 
lates by Petrossian, 800-828-9241, Hazel- 
nutand-chocolate confections by Perugi- 
na, 800-272-0500. Devil Girl chocolate 
bar from Küchen Sink Press, 800-305-SINK.. 
Saltwater taffy by Fralinger's, 800-938- 
2339. Chocolates by See's Candies, 800- 
347-7337. 


SE STYUNG OY PAULA ток TOR BUTLER RHEOANT! GROWING BY NANCY SPAAGLE FOR 


слот: PHOTOGRAPHY BY P 3 STEVEN BARBOUR, CATHERINE DWYER, GEORGE GECHOIOU. DOANE GREGORY. KATH NENT. 


169 


“Would you father reach" 
Millions of Reatlers.. 
eaders with LAS 


du Pont 
REGISTRY 


If Your L Exotic or Kr ie оро 
fy те for.Our Buyers 
Call: (800) 233-173For (813) 573-9339 


|1 


(ON-T H > 


N 


= 


HOW SWEET IT IS 


e're not going to sugarcoat our feelings about 
Valentine's Day. If you're set on giving her candy, 
leave the boxes of ordinary chocolates to Forrest 
Cump. We've sampled the world of sweets and 
found everything from the ridiculous (R. Crumb's Devil Girl 
Choco-Bars, with the slogan “It’s bad for you!”) to the unique 


(vodka-filled chocolates by Petrossian) to the sublime (Godiva's 
best). On the romantic side, there are confections named Baci 
("kisses" in Italian) and delicious truffles by See's Candies. Even 
good old M&Ms have been given a makeover—they now come in 
funky colors such as silver and gold. And if she doesn't like choco- 
late, saltwater taffy by Fralinger's will give her a very sticky thrill 


Clockwise from top left: Seven pounds of M&Ms in 24 colors ($55, including a tackle box). Godiva chocolates and truffles come nestled in a 
red velvet heart-shaped box ($55 for 12.5 ounces). Tin of vodka-filled chocolates by Petrossian ($45 for 350 grams). Hazelnut and chocolate 
Baci by Perugina wrapped in foil with a love note (520 for a box of 36). Devil Girl Choco-Bars with R. Crumb artwork on the wrapper and box 
($30 for a box of 15). Saltwater taffy by Fralinger’s (526 for a five-pound box). Center: See's chocolate ($25 for a 1.6-pound а tin). 


d 


WHER! & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 169. 


GRAPEVINE 


You Oughta Know 
Don't expect a sophomore slump from ALANIS 
MORISSEITE. Jagged Little Pill has sold more than. 
13 million units and is still hovering near the top 
of the charts. Fresh off a world tour, 
Alanis will have more to say on her 
next album, due early this year. 


Don't Call 


Information, Dial BR5-49 


You might get a busy signal when you dial up Nashville's hippest hillbilly 
band. Formerly the house band in a boot store—honest—these boys now 
have a self-titled album climbing the country charts. After playing 

for tips, this is the big time. 


appeared in Casino and In- 
-vaders From Mars TV pilot of The Watcher. 
Watch Bobbie gi 


A Teeny 
Bikini 
DEBORAH TEXTOR 
was noticed first for 
posing on a greeting 
«ard. Check her out 
on video in the low- 
budget film Agent Ac- 
tion. Or feast your 
eyes right here. 


See and Be Seen 

SARAH JESSICA PARKER lit up Broad- 

way, got us laughing in The First 

Wives Club and will appear on TV in 

two Neil Simon plays. Why not? 
he's second to none. 


Our Aria 
to Carmen 
CARMEN 
PALUMBO 
made her 
name on the 
covers of Hot 
Bike and Nos- 
talgia Cycle 
and in Miller 
beer promo- 
tions. We like 
her in basic 


Hot Pot 
Techno star MO- 
BY isone of the. 
few guys in his 
field known by 
name. He recently 
toured Europe with 
Soundgarden. 
Catch his drift. 


OTPOURRI 


_ FEAST FOR FAMINE 


Kool and the Gang's Mack-a-Licious Phat 
French Toast might win the prize for the 
most original name, but it's not the only 
wacky recipe featured in A Musical Feast, 
a cookbook written to help the homeless 
More than 100 musical artists donated 
recipes; our favorites are Mick Jagger's 
Shrimp Curry, Madonna's Cholesterol 
Cherry Torte and Willie Nelson's Salmon 
Cakes. Get it in bookstores for $19.95, or 
call 800-420-4209 to order. 


THE WORLD OF ROMANCE 


Chivalry isn't dead, it's just gone under wraps. Inside this romantic gift 
box is a 0.8-ounce bottle of Joy eau de toilette, a split of Perrier-Jouét 
champagne. 4.5 ounces of Russell Stover chocolates and the red-and- 
white teddy pictured here. Bet we know which item you'll want your 
valentine to try first. It's all arranged in a heart-shaped box overlaid 
with a world map and topped with a gold bow, foreign coins and other 
gewgaws. A calligraphed card says, “I Would Give You the World.” 
Price: $70 plus shipping from RRR-riv-Inra. 


HIT BELOW THE BELT 


Ergo, Inc. was granted the first patent in 
the underwear business in 40 years for its 
e2u men’s briefs—and wouldn't you 


know, the owner of the company is a 
woman. Cindy Michels says her all-cotton 
product “provides the freedom of boxers 
with the support an athlete needs.” In 
other words, no pinching, binding or ass 
creep. White, teal, blue and black e2us 
are available in even sizes from 28 to 56. 
Price: $23. Cali 800-568-5588. 


LIGHT UP! READ UP! 


Cigar books are almost as hot as the stogies inspiring them. Barnaby 
Conrad II's The Cigar is a $29.95 hardcover filled with art, cartoons, 
labels, etc. and Conrad's words on the leaf. (Order from Chronicle 
Books, 800-722-6657.) The Cigar in Art (Overlook Press, $35) captures 
the cigar's illustrious history in painting with 85 color plates, each ac- 
companied by a literary allusion. Other cigar books include: The Good. 
Cigar: A Celebration of the Art of Cigar Smoking by H. Paul Jeffries and 
Kevin Gordon (Lyons & Burford, $25), Cigar Aficionado's gorgeous 
World of Cigars ($19.95, call 800-761-4099), Schiffer Publishing's $69.95 
hardcover Antique Cigar Cutters i$ Lighters (610-593-1777) and the up- 
dated and expanded second edition of Richard Carleton Hacker's best- 
174 seller The Ultimate Cigar Book ($34.95 at upscale tobacconists). 


ABSOLUT.LY TERRIFIC 


In 1981, 20,000 cases of Ab- 
solut vodka were sold in the 
U.S. By 1995, sales had in- 
creased to 3 million cases. 
“The reason? An excellent 
product and a perpetually 
fresh ad campaign, starring 
the Absolut bottle itself. Abso- 
lui Book by Richard Lewis, a 
$60 tome available in book- 
stores, showcases nearly 500 
Absolut ads and the story 
behind each. Our favorite? 
“Absolut Centerfold,” a spin- 
off of our Playmate of the 
Month, with a data sheet that 
cites ice and tonic as turn-ons. 


NO MORE 
MISSING LINKS 


Cuff links are a hot fashion 
accessory these days. If your 
supply is depleted, the Na- 
tional Cuff Link Society has 
an answer. Its Cuff Links of 
the Month Club offers a dif- 
ferent set of vintage links 
each month for $269 annual- 
ly (or $139 for six months, 
$75 for three). Styles range 
from figurals and exotic 


stones to initials and advertis- & 
ing logos. The dub also takes 
special requests, Link up with 
the club at PO. Box 346, f 1 
Prospect Heights, Illinois y |; 
60070, or call 847-816-0035. — 4 €; 

TIGERS IN 

THE SKY 


The World War 
‘Two American 
volunteer group 
known as the Fly- 
ing Tigers were 
the aces of the 
Far East skies, 
downing about. 
300 Japancse 
aircraft while 
losing only a 
few of their 
own. Check Six 
keeps the 
memories flying high 
with a series of limited-edition lithographs by 
aviation artist Larry Lapadura, including the 20" x28" one pic- 
tured here, signed by the artist and the plane's pilot, R.T. Smith. 
Its price: $125. Other aviation prints by various artists are also 
available, along with T-shirts, books and more. Call 800-704-5422 


THAT'S THE RUB 


We understand the importance of a quickie— 
it’s relaxing, relieves stress and feels great. A 
quickie massage, that is, and with a product 
named Thumb-ease, nubbed plastic devices 
that fit on the thumbs and stimulate pressure 
points, an impromptu massage will never be 
better. Thumb-ease cost $5 a pair. Also included 
is a card that shows where your pressure points 
are—as if you didn't know. Order from Milk 
and Honey Inc. at 505-474-6934 


KNOW YOUR VINO 


Drinking games are no longer just for rowdy, 
Animal House-type college students. Baccha- 
nales, a wine-tasting game for up to seven peo- 
ple, is actually educational. Learn to use sight, 
smell and taste to determine vintage, grape va- 
rictal, bottling region, château or domaine and 
aging potential. The $95 kit includes 40 scents, 
a snifter glass and three guidebooks. It's avail- 
able from the Wine Enthusiast catalog (800-417- 
7788) or at department stores. 


NEXT MONTH 


"о 


GUESS WHO Ў MISS MARCH 


THE VULTURE ON THE RING POST—HE'S A SHAMELESS CLINT EASTWOOD—HE'S THE SELF-MADE STAR WHO 
SHAMAN, A HUCKSTER WITH A STRANGLEHOLD ON BOX- ONCE DESCRIBED HIMSELF AS "A BUM AND A DRIFTER.” 
ING. IN A PROFILE ON THE GREAT AMERICAN HYFE MA- MORE THAN 50 FILMS LATER, HE'S COLLECTED AN OSCAR 
CHINE, JACK NEWFIELD DISCOVERS THAT IN DON KING'S (FOR UNFORGIVEN) AND MORE GREAT ONE-LINERS THAN 
WORLD, NICE GUYS USUALLY FINISH LAST ANY OTHER STAR. A PLAYBOY INTERVIEW WITH THE HOLLY- 


3001: THE FINAL ODYSSEY—WHAT HAPPENS TO ASTRO- WOOD LEGEND, BY BERNARD WEINRAUB 


NAUT FRANK POOLE WHEN HIS BODY IS RECOVERED AND SURPRISE PICTORIAI. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE 
UNFROZEN A THOUSAND YEARS AFTER НЕ WAS TERMINAT- TRIAL OF THE CENTURY WAS YESTERDAY'S NEWS, A RIVET- 
ED BY HAL? THE FASCINATING CONCLUSION TO THE ING FIGURE EMERGED FROM THE WINGS. STAY TUNED FOR 
PUCE FHC OY ACTION сре THE SEXIEST EXHIBIT A THIS SIDE OF BRENTWOOD 

WHY NEW SEX IS THE BEST SEX IT'S NOT ONLY HOT, IT 
CAN ALSO BE THE TEMPLATE FOR A RELATIONSHIP—A 
DETAILED HOMAGE BY OUR FAVORITE TANTALIZING SEX 
WRITER, SARI LOCKER 

SURF TV—THOUGHT YOU HAD A BREATHER FROM FANCY 
TOYS? NOW THERE'S A GADGET THAT CAN TURN cy. CHARGE!—IT'S SPORTY. SPEEDY AND WILL NEVER RUN 
BERGEEKS INTO COUCH POTATOES—SURFING THE NET OUT OF GAS. AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK AT GM'S BATTERY-RUN 
THROUGH YOUR TELEVISION ELECTRIC CAR, THE EV1 


MICHAEL JORDAN—HE HAS A FILM, A COLOGNE AND THE PLUS: HOW TO JAZZ UP YOUR SPRING WARDROBE, THE 
BEST MOVES IN HIS SPORT. WHAT'S LEFT FOR BASKET- ORIGINAL SEX KITTEN BRIGITTE BARDOT, CUFF LINKS 
BALL'S GREATEST? MICHAEL HAS SOME SURPRISES IN THAT GRAB ATTENTION AND AN INSIDE PEEK AT LOS AN- 
200 WITH KEVIN COOK GELES' PIN-UP MECCA, GLAMOURCON 


PLAYBOY'S GUIDE TO SPRING SKIING—IT'S BIKINI TIME 
ON THE SLOPES. THERE ARE NO LIFT LINES—AND THERE 
ARE GREAT EVENTS (SUCH AS THE WORLD CUP FINALS IN 
VAIL) TO LURE THRILL-SEEKERS TO THE ROCKIES 


176 


MAN'S GUID ; DIAMONDS 


ARE YOU oze of the TWO MILLION 
victims of ENGAGEMENT RING anxiety? 


1. Relax. Guys simply are not supposed to know 

this stuff. Dads rarely say, “Son, let's talk diamonds" 
2. But it’s still your call. So read on. 

3. Spend wisely. It’s tricky because no two diamonds 
alike. Formed in the 
diamonds are found in the most remote corners of 
the world. De Beers, the world’s largest diamond 
company, has over 100 years’ experience in mining 
and valuing. They sort rough diamonds into over 
5,000 grades before they go on to be cut and pol- 
ished, So be sure you know what you're buying. 
‘Two diamonds of the same size may vary widely 

in quality. And if a price looks too good to be true, 

it probably is. 

4, Learn the jargon. Your guide to quality and 

value is a combination of four characteristics called 
The 4 Cs, They are: Cuz, not the same as shape, 

but refers to the way the facets, or flat surfaces, are 
angled, A better cut offers more brilliance; Color; 
actually, close to no color is rarest; Clarity, the fewer 
natural marks, or “inclusions,” the better; Carus 
weight, the larger the diamond, usually the more rare. 
5. Determine your price range. What do you spend on the one woman in the world who is smart enough to marry you? 
Many people use the /wo months’ salary guideline. Spend less and the relatives will talk. Spend more and they'll ra 
6. Watch her as you browse. Go by how she reacts, not by what she sa’ 


ar rth millions of years ago, 


5. She may be reluctant to tell you what she 


really wants. Then once you have an idea of her taste, don’t involve her in the actual purchase. You both will cherish 
the memory of your surprise. 

7. Find a reputable jeweler, someone you can trust, to ensure you're getting a diamond you can be proud of. Ask 
questions. Ask friends who've gone through it. Ask the jeweler vou choose why two diamonds that look the same are 
priced differently. Avoid Happy Harry’s Diamond Basement. 

8. Learn more. For the booklet “How to buy diamonds you'll be proud to give,” call 1-800-FOREVER, Dept. 21. 

9. Finally, think romance. And don't compromise, This is one of life's most important occasions. You want a diamond as 
unique as your love. Besides, how else can two mouths! salary last forever? 


Diamond Information Center 
Sponsored by De Beers Consolidated Mines, Ltd., Est. 1888 


A diamond is forever. 
De Beers 


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