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PLAYROY 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN AUGUST 1997 • $4.95 
(= > " 
TALK ABOUT ! \ / IT'S HIP AND 
LI 
HOG HEAVEN ) | IT'S HOT 


A POLITICALLY TO 
INCORRECT 
INTERVIEW 


THE HOTTEST 


TICKET IN u 4 


| INTRODUCING 


LAUDER 


Pleasures 


FOR MEN 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


TEAM PENSKE 


уайбһап 


""GEils 
Et mao Кек 
biucsTIME 


ZENITH HAS YOUR CURE FOR UMMERTIME BLUES 


September 3  Tonmio, Canada МСА Molson 
Saratoga Springs, NY Fairground Sepiember 4 Cleveland, ОН Nautica Stage 

Hartford, СТ Oakdale Music September Holmdel, NJ РАС. Bank Aris 

Vienna, УА Wolf Trap. September 6 Long island. NY Joncs Beach Amphitheater 
New York, NY Beacon Theater September 7 Boston, MA Greal Woods Amphitheater 
Augusta, М) Skylands Stadium Seplember 10 Philadelphia, PA | Electric Factory 


Baltimore, MD Pier Six E : 
Д os plember 11 UNCC Activity Center 
Greensboro, NC The Coliseum Sen Brittle Bank Pork 


Rochester, NY Frontier Stadium. 
Huntsville, AL Von Braun Center. Seplember 11 Nashville Arena 
Tampa, FL Vinoy Park September 14 Kentucky Horse Farm 
Live Oak, FL Suwannee Amphitheater September 16 Chicago, IL | The Riviera 
Pompano Beach, FL Р.В. Amphitheater cr 18 Houston, TX — | Arena Theater 
Allanta, GA Chastain Park ст 19 San Antonio, TK Sca World Amphitheater 
Bowling Green, KY Corvette Amphitheater Dallas, TX. Starplex Amphitheater 
Hampton, VÀ Hampton Coliseum e Tulsa, OK Wiverwest Festival Park 
Danbury, CT Charles Ives Center 
Waterford, CT Harkness Amphithe: 

August 20 Reno, NV Hilton Motel Amphitheater 
August 21 Las Vegas, M. — Star of the Dese 
August 22 Los Angeles, CA — Universal Amphitheater 
August 23 San Francisca, СА Shoreline Amphitheater 
August 24 — Concord, CA Concord Pavilion 
August 28 De Pine Nob Amphitheater 
August 29 St. Fox Theater 
August 30 Liberty Park 


ues. aenith.comiblues1997 August 31 Sioux City, А — Lewis El Clark Stadlum 


“Please mole that Dates and Locations are subject to change 


PLAYBILL 


ITS TIME TO SHOOT past the moon and land а man on Mars. An 
expedition would take six months less time than it took Ma- 
gellan to circumnavigate the globe and would cost far less 
than the Apollo project—and no one disputes the tangible ben- 
efits wrought by those trips. In Houston, We Have Landed on 
Mars, Mark Bowden hangs loose with a bunch of hippie vision- 
aries who are making a high-tech dream a low-budget reality. 
Bowden's Martian chronicle (illustrated by Donato Giancola) 
shows what a long, strange trip it will be. 

Just say it ain't so. Of all the side effects from America's un- 
successful war on drugs, the most painful is opiophobia—the 
fear of medicinal narcotics. If you are facing a life of crippling 
pain, chances are the government sees you as a potential 
junkie. Asa result, doctors are getting busted and cancer pa- 
tients arer't getting adequate pain relief. In Deadly Morals (il- 
lustrated by Guy Billout), Katherine Ebon Finkelstein gives voice to 
the bedridden. A Rhodes scholar and a former circus per- 
former who endured a long hospital stay after an ill-timed 
backflip, Finkelstein finds that government pressure on pain 
clinics is making patients suicidal. 

Whether his guests are right-wing political weenies or lefty 
vegetarians, Bill Maher pulls out his skewer and gets ready to 
roast. Recently, the pukka pundit who hosts Politically Incorrect 
took his movable feast from Comedy Central to ABC. Since we 
knew him back when, we asked him to submit to a grilling 
from Contributing Editor David Sheff, and in this month's 
Playboy Interview, Maher proves he's our funniest equal op- 
portunity offender. 

Now for some real outlaws. When it comes to our chain- 
driven Biker Babes pictorial, tough has never been so tender. 
Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley and Senior Photo 
Editor Jim Larsen cruised down to Daytona Beach for Biker 
Week. They found a pack of riders who are rough on the 
leather and easy on the eyes. Bobby Squared and Sheila, the 
heroes in this month's short story, Beyond Dog by Pet Jordan, 
are two tanned and toned Floridians who would be right at 
home with the biker crowd. Unfortunately, they find them- 
selves running guns between white supremacists and Cuban 
exiles. The kick-ass artwork is by Pat Andrea. While we're walk- 
ing the walk, we may as well give a good-natured shove to all 
those who let fitness get in the way of fun. Our parody Men's 
Help! by Robert S. Wieder is a wicked spoof of a certain health 
magazine. It hasall you ever wanted to know about building a 
colon of steel or dealing with a woody at the gym. 

Jason Alexander, martial artist? Would you believe the guy 
who plays George on Seinfeld can do a flip? There's much 
about Alexander you probably don't know. As Bob Daily re- 
ports in Alexander the Great, there is big talent behind TV's 
most obnoxious sidekick. A few days and hours later on the 
same channel, Norm Macdonald has Saturday Night Live audi- 
ences roaring over his fake news. Warren Kalbocker caught him 
for 20 Questions. First he describes his flaccid penis, then he 
disses Everyman's lesbian fantasy. The oddest bulletin: De- 
spite his scathing impersonation, he likes Bob Dole. 

Brits are back—home, that is. London is burning with tal- 
ent and has the clothes, movies and music to prove it. In Lon- 
don Calling, Lisa Homlin tells you where to go, and in Rubber 
Soul, Dean Kuipers tells you how to wrap it in latex when you 
get there. Our package is also tailored to include London Cool, 
which features the hottest menswear. The problem with Lon- 
don: It's not Los Angeles. Which is where you'll want to move 
when you see DJ Ellen К. in the flesh. She's talented, beautiful 
and fünny—and she gives great voice. 


GIANCOLA 


FINKELSTEIN 


ANDREA 


KALBACKER 


DAILY 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), August 1997, volume 44, number 8. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmas- 
ter: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com. 


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PLAYBOY 


vol. 44, no. 8—august 1997 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL .... C E TU. сема онла ttes 5 
DEAR PLAYBOY ... 11 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS о 15 
MUSICEEON TOP A Lr M E 18 
MOVIES ..BRUCE WILLIAMSON 20 
VIDEO 23 
WIRED 24 
STYLE 28 
TRAVEL 30 
BOOKS ......... 32 
HEALTH & FITNESS .. UNO 34 
MEN КЕ А ML © 5 DUM ТР ..ASABABER 36 
WOMEN 2 CYNTHIAHEIMEL 37 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR.......... 39 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM ....... БН ДЕК 41 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BILL MAHER—candid canversation......... 15-2 51 
HOUSTON, WE HAVE LANDED ON MARS—article ........ MARK BOWDEN 62 
DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL—pictorial . . . mum nt 0б. 
ALEXANDER THE GREAT— playboy profile BOB DAY 72 
LONDON COOL—fashion.............. a HOLLIS WAYNE 76 
DEADLY MORALS—article................. KATHERINE EBAN FINKELSTEIN 80 
PLAYBOY GALLERY: SOPHIA LOREN. len careo! MES 
KALIN'S HOPE—playboy's playmate of the month ....... болран nda 86 
PARTY JOKES—humor........... 55541 ов 
LONDON CALLING—article .......... 2 Ense LISAHAMLIN 100 
RUBBER SOUL—sexploit 2 sese DEAN KUIPERS 102 
PLAYMATE REVISITED: HELENA ANTONACCIO 2... 109 
MEN'S HELP!—humor............... Aper я ROBERT S. WIEDER 115 
NIGHT CLASS—going out e O б: Е 123 
20 QUESTIONS: NORM MACDONALD ..... eM $ MNA 124 
BEYOND БОС--Ксһоп.................... С РАТОВА 26, 
BIKER ВАВЕЅ—рісіогіа!. . Tct е ЫГА 130 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY 155 
PLAYMATE NEWS 163 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE... 167 


COVER STORY 

Rev up for the ride of your life with ғілувоү/5 biker babes. The art direction for our 
cover wos done by Senior Art Director Len Willis; it wos produced by Senior Pho- 
to Editor Jim Larson and shot by Contributing Photogropher Richard Fegley. 
Thanks to Alexis Vogel for styling model Nikki Ziering's hair and makeup, and to 
Lane Coyle-Dunn and Nicole Liaigre for wardrobe styling. Nikki's corset-vest 
and jewelry are courtesy of Chrome Hearts in New York. Our Rabbit gets tanked. 


EXPEDIDOS POR LA COMISION CALIFICADOMA DE PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUSTRADAS DEPENDIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA OL GOBERNACIÓN. MÉXICO. RESERVA DE 7 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; FICTION: 
ALICE К. TURNER edilor; FORUM: JAMES Б. PE- 
TERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE associate 
editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID stevens edi- 
lor; BETH TOMKIW associate edilor; STAFF: BRUCE 
KLUGER senior editor; CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO, 
BARBARA NELLIS associate editors; ALISON LUND- 
GREN junior editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant editor; 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN BUSHMAN. 
ANNE SHERMAN assistant edilors; REMA SMITH 
senior researcher; LEE BRAUER. GEORGE НОРАК, 
LISA ROBBINS, SARALYN WILSON researchers; MARK 
DURAN research librarian; CONTRIBUTING 
EDITORS: ASA BARFR, KEVIN СООК, GRETCHEN 
EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS (aulomo- 
live). CYNTHIA HEIMEL, VARREN KALBACKER, 
D. KEITH. MANO. JOE MORGENSTERN, REG POTTER- 
TON, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) 


ART 
їс. POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENEK associate director; ANN SEIDL supervi- 
sor, keyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN senior art assis- 
lant; JASON SIMONS art assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR- 
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY 
AUDET associate editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, 
BETH MULLINS assislant editors; DAVID CHAN. 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG. RICHARD IZUI, 
DAVID MECEY. BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, 
STEPHEN WaYDA contributing photographers; 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; TIM HAWKINS manager, 
photo services; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU photo ar- 
chivist; GERALD senn correspondent—paris 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
XATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate managers 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYL 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ERNIE RENZULLI advertising director; JAMES DI- 
MONEKAS, new york manager; JEFF KIMMEL. sales 
development manager; JOE HOFFER midwest ad 
sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU marketing director; 
LISA NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI Correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER- 
RONES rights & permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


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ІН Torahe-first time on video, one of 
America's. all-time favorite actresses 
electrifies the screen in an entertaining 
and intimate portrayal that's more 
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than ever before: This collector's edition 
showcases her art, her talent and her 
endless appeal. Including unreleased 
behind-the-scenes footage from her two 
breathtaking PLAYBOY pictorials, it's all 
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Farrah. Running time 72 minutes. 


Available at your local music and 


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TO PRE-OROER BY MAIL 

Use your credit card and be sure to include your account number and 
expiration date. Dr enclose a check or money order payable to Playboy. 
Mail to Playboy, P.O. Box 809, Dept. 70165, Itasca, IL 60143-0809. 


There s a $400 shipping and handling charge per total order- Minos residents meses 


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include 6.75% sales tax Canadian residents please include an additional $3.00 рег 
йет. Sorry, no other foreign orders or Currency accepted. 


Variety, Int Allrights reserves. 7 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60511 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYEOY.COM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER. 


SAUL BELLOW 
The Playboy Interview with Saul Bellow 
(May) is a welcome jolt of worldly, caus- 
tic wit. For decades, the supercerebral 
cloud-covering of Bellow's reputation 
has obscured the fact that he’s one of our 
most wicked comedians. He's a sly fox 
who has been around the block. I trea- 
sure his line about Norman Mailer's 
quest for the Nobel Prize (Well, I'd give 
it to him—if he had anything to trade") 
and the word-picture of Truman Capote 
as a midget Nazi commandant swinging 
a swagger stick. Bellow is one of the few 
writers to retain dignity in this age of 
cheap celebrity and has done so without 
becoming a stuffed owl. The interview 
will no doubt bug the politically correct, 
but they're easily bugged 
James Wolcott 
New York, New York 


The interview with Bellow is about as 
close as one can get to transcendent con- 
versation this side of Mount Sinai. Bel- 
low says, about Sigmund Freud, that “He 
went into business using himself as 
stock.” And so has Bellow. Lawrence 
Grobel's interview. 
edgeable and tough—engrossed me. 
Our great age of fiction is over: This in- 
terview stands as its abstract and brief 
chronicle. pLavBoy should be proud. 

D. Keith Mano 
New York, New York 


reverent, knowl- 


ÜBERMODEL 
One need not look any further than 
the May 1997 cover to be sure there is a 
God and that Claudia Schiffer has de- 
scended from heaven. 
Stephen Jay Harris 
Fairfield, Iowa 


STRIKEOUT 

Iapplaud Kevin Cook's dead-on com- 
ments regarding Jerry Reinsdorf's irre- 
sponsible actions (Playboy's 1997 Baseball 
Preview, May), but 1 disagree with him 
about the Pirates’ raw deal in the Denny 


Neagle trade. What Cook overlooked is 
that the Pirates were a last-place team. 
Ап infusion of young players was ab- 
solutely necessary. Plus, a good number 
of the players in the Pirates’ system al- 
ready have star potential. Га like to see 
Cook's face when the Pirates challenge 
for the division title in 1999 or 2000 with 
a team full of nobodies. 

Jeffrey Magwood 

cabal@nb.net 

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


Miss MAY 
Just when the dogwoods reach their 
magnificent peak in Virginia, Miss May, 
Lynn Thomas (Our Kind of Spirit), comes 
along and overshadows them. 
Alan Myrick 
Chesterfield, Virginia 


I graduated from high school with 
Lynn Thomas. We knew each other, but 
I never took the time to get close to her. 
Now Im kicking myself for missing that 
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Thanks 
for presenting Lynn to the world in all 
her glory. 

Brian Mulhall 
bdm5f( virginia.edu 
Charlottesville, Virginia 


JOHN GRAY IS OUT OF THIS WORLD 
Thanks for David Sheff’s informative 

dialogue with “relationship expert” 
John Gray (When No Doesn't Mean No, 
May). I guess 1 haven't been tending to 
my husband's needs very well all these 
years. 1 never knew he wanted to forgo 
the deep-throating, prostate-tickling, 
twice-a-week mega blow jobs that had 
him praying to strange gods and having 
visions that rivaled a mescaline trip. To 
think, all I had to do was pull his penis 
for two minutes a day. 

Mary Williams 

Chicago, Illinois 


The reason Gray's books have sold 
millions is that they play to the confusion 


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Use your credit card and be sure 
to include your account number and expiration date. 
Or enclose a check or money order payable to Playboy. 
Mail to Playboy, PO. Вох 809, Dept. 70173, 
Nasca, Illinois 60143-0809. 

There is a $4.00 shipping-and-handling charge per total order. 
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PLAYBOY 


between the sexes. As the father of a son 
and three daughters, I'm inspired by 
how alike girls and boys are. As we age, 
sexual differentiation makes us more in- 
teresting to one another. All those years 
of celibacy taught Gray little about the 
values of true intimacy—which have to 
do with mutual caring and respect, not 
contemplating one's erection. 

"Tim Boland 

Lake Stevens, Washington 


I'd like to comment on the sex-on- 
demand notion that Gray espouses: 
"Women make a big deal out of a two- 
minute hand job." It's a shame he has 
chosen to perpetuate the stereotypes of 
the wife with the headache and the un- 
satisfied, perennially horny husband. 
Men and women may be from different 
planets, but Gray appears to be lost 
in space. 

Ashley Davis 
Memphis, Tennessee 


My idea of the perfect guys' night out 
would include Men columnist Asa Baber 
and author John Gray—two men who 
aren't afraid to act like men. Your May 
cover line for the Gray interview reads 
SHOCKING ADVICE FOR WOMEN. The truth 
should never come as a shock. 

Rob Kay 
Spruce Grove, Alberta 


WARRIOR PRINCESS 
I love Lucy Lawless (20 Questions, 
May), but I have one nit to pick on ques- 
tion five. Xena, like the ancient Greeks, 
is a polytheist, not a pantheist. Panthe- 
ism is the belief that God is in every- 
thing. Lawless is correct about one thing, 
though: Monotheism is a lot simpler. 
Rudy Robles 
rudy924@cioncentric.net 
New York, New York 


With eyebrows raised and teeth 
clenched in a smile, Lawless makes my 
heart thunder. She's a goddess. 

William Cobb. 
Santee, California 


I was thrilled to see Lucy Lawless in 
PLAYBOY, but I was quite disappointed 
that you didn't show us what Xena, 
the warrior princess, looks like under 
her armor- 

David Brinkmann 
Phoenix, Arizona 


WOMEN 

Cynthia Heimel should consider these 
comments from a “smiling babe” who 
works as a flight attendant: Your behav- 
ior during your first-class experience 
(“Another Scoop of Caviar, Please,” May) 
is better suited for a zoo exhibit titled 
Women Who Are Rude, Insecure and 
Self-Absorbed. My experience in the 
first-class cabin has been, thankfully, 


12 void of people like you. I'm especially 


disappointed to read your tirade in 
PLAYBOY. Why would you perpetuate the 
stereotypical “hateful” woman to a pre- 
dominantly male readership? 
Julie Seeman 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


Cynthia Heimel's MGM flight memoir 
was a lot of pointless swaggering in a rail 
against the tourist class. It's hard to be- 
lieve that she’s the same person who 
wrote My Dad in the March issue, which 
was a raw and compassionate column 
that brought tears to my eyes. 

John Pierce 
Jacksonville, Florida 


MORE TIMES FOUR 

As a longtime subscriber, Гуе enjoyed 
countless pictorials. But Land my fellow 
shipmates on deployment here in the 
Persian Gulf agree that the Morrell sis- 
ters pictorial (May) is PLAvBOv's finest. 


y VU 


We would certainly be proud to have 
them as honorary shipmates. 
The Radio Gang 
hmt@salts.icpphil.navy.mil 
USS Paul Hamilton 


The Morrell sisters have left me with 
three words: What Barbi twins? 
Jeff Roland 
Whitmore Lake, Michigan 


Any one ofthe Morrell sisters would 
make a scintillating subject for a pictori- 
al. Together, the pleasure is four times as 
great. 

Patrick Burnell 
New Fairfield, Connecticut 


Screw Michelangelo's work in the Sis- 
tine Chapel. I want to know how to get a 
life-size copy of a Morrell sisters photo to 
place on my bedroom ceiling. 

C. Stroud 
Independence, Missouri 


MEN 
I'm a disabled American veteran who 
served in the Army both in the U.S. and 
overseas. My husband and I met in the 
service and screwed like rabbits, in com- 
bat zones, tents and barracks. Men and 
women who enter the military are bom- 
barded with the politically correct 
speech that Asa Baber describes (“The 
PC Military Quiz," May). However, any- 
one who joins the military should realize 
it's not a country club. My advice to the 
men is to keep it in your pants. My ad- 
vice to the women is to understand the 
difference between sexual harassment. 
and a bunch of guys telling dirty jokes in 
the motor pool. Though Baber is blunt, 
he is on the mark. 
Ericka Thompson 
Tahlequah, Oklahoma 


KNOCK ON WOOD 
Cyndi Wood is my all-time favorite 

Playmate. My eyes popped out of my 
head when I saw her photos in Playmate 
Revisited (May). Cyndi refers to herself as 
"ordinary." If this is ordinary, I'd like it 
365 days a year. 

John Howard 

Greenville, North Carolina 


It is great to see Cyndi Wood again. 
We attended junior high school together, 
and even then she was one of the nicest 
people you'd ever want to meet. 

Greg Peirce 
Burbank, California 


THE RETURN OF 007 
I'm delighted at the return of James 
Bond to rtAvBov. The peeks into Zero 
Minus Ten (April, May) and Blast From the 
Past (January) prove that Raymond Ben- 
son has captured Ian Fleming's Bond 
and brought him back to life once more. 
Moana Re 
Dallas, Texas 


PLAYMATE NEWS 
After reading about May 1976 Play- 
mate Patti McClain and her ordeal (Play- 
mate News, May), I couldn't believe this 
kind of discrimination still happens in 
the workplace and that a company can 
fire someone for what "might happen." I 
hope she owns that company when her. 
legal battle ends. Until then, I commend 
PLAYBOY for helping Patti. 
Mike Linneer 
Lubbock, Texas 


A BOONE TO PICK 
I'd like to commend music critics Vic 

Garbarini and Charles M. Young on 

their psychic abilities. How else could 

they have known I'd read their "Rock- 

meter” ratings of Pat Boone's [n a Metal 

Mood (Music, May) on April Fools’ Day? 
Walt Mistler 
Coupeville, Washington 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


MAD MAXIMS 


Unwritten Laws (Crown) by Hugh Raw- 
son traces the origin of more than 500 
sayings and offers alternative readings to 
turns of phrase, including, "Absinthe 
makes the tart grow fonder." The book 
includes adages for young bachelors 
(Conran's Law of Cooking: "Life is too 
short to stuff a mushroom") and sayings 
for men of a more contemplative age 
(Hensley's Law, attributed to the owner 
of Schooner Wharf Bar on Key West 
Bight "Ihe fewer teeth the women 
have, the better the bar"). From 2 в.с. 
comes Ovid's Observation: "Whether a 
pretty woman grants or withholds her 
favors, she always likes to be asked for 
them.” Finally, PLAYBoY's own pages pro- 
vided Reagan's Rule, a bit of advice Pres- 
ident Reagan sbared vith his son Ron, 
who repeated it for us in January 1984: 
"Never sleep with a girl if you're going 
to be embarrassed to be seen on the 
street with her the next day." 


THE OPEN PLAIN OFFICE 


Favorite expression of the month: 
prairie dogging. It’s when people's 
heads pop up over the walls in response 
to someone making a disturbance in an 
office filled with shoulder-high cubicles 
(а cube farm). 


RAISIN' HELL 


Further proof that Social Security 
doesn't go far these days: Eighty-one- 
year-old Mario Dulceno of New Orleans 
plans to continue his gig as a male strip- 
per for another "two, three years. My 
buns are doing OK, and last week 1 
found a $5 bill in my bikini," he told the 
Times-Picayune. The AP reported that 
though “time has wrinkled his skin, 
there's little flab." The club owner where 
he works added, “The women go crazy 
over him. I call him Super Mario." We 
imagine his favorite performance num- 
ber would be Staying Alive. 


KING OF THE ROAD 


Sweden's King Carl XVI Gustaf be- 
came our favorite sovereign when we 


learned that his personal car is a 1966 
cherry-red Pontiac СТО convertible. 
But what truly won our fealty was news 
that the royal cruiser failed its annual 
safety inspection because of bad brakes, 
faulty steering and six other defects that 
put the Crown Princess just one rain- 
slicked curve away from the throne. 
King Carl was given 30 days to make the 
regal wheels legal wheels. 


EMBRACING THE LIGHT 


Attention, Michael Jackson. Walgreens 
drugstores celebrated Black History 
Month in February by distributing a 
brochure that included a coupon for 
skin bleaching cream. 


NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME 


When the producer who handles Stu- 
pid Pet Tricks and Stupid Human Tricks 
for Late Show With David Letterman held 
auditions at Indiana University, she at- 
tracted the weirdest Hoosiers the school 
could offer. Tricks you may or may not 
see on Late Show include a sophomore 
who put her pet hamster in her mouth 
and a junior called Frog Boy who fired a 


ILLUSTRATION EY GARY KELLEY 


string of saliva at bits of paper and 
sucked them back into his mouth all in 
one go. If we were in charge, we would 
have signed up a junior who lay on her 
belly, put a cracker on her foot and fed 
herself the treat by arching her head 
back. “Т could always put my foot in 
my mouth," she told The Indianapolis 
Slar, "but then my ex-boyfriend's dad 
suggested I do more with it.” Bless you, 
father. 


ROAD TO HELL 


Bumper sticker of the month: BLASPHE- 
MY IS A VICTIMLESS CRIME 


A SPLINTER GROUP FOR TREE 
HUGGERS 


Activism sometimes means giving a lit- 
Пе piece of yourself. Wisconsin's ex- 
treme ecological action group, the 
bn-ELF (butt naked-Earth Liberation 
Front) felt the need to warn its members. 
of some of the drawbacks to nude 
protest. One gingerly worded commu- 
niqué read: "Warning: Just as a spongy 
tongue adheres to metal, so do other 
fleshy body parts. Nothing is harder to 
explain to a security guard than why 
your genitalia is [sic] bonded to the in- 
nards of a dozer." 


PORTA-JEAN 


Elton John was resplendent at his 50th 
birthday party, adorned in 18th century 
silver brocade finery, a yard-high wig 
and a 35-foot ostrich-feather train. Even 
so, he was upstaged by designer Jean- 
Paul Gaultier, who attended, according. 
to the Telegraph of London, "without 
trousers or underpants but proudly 
brandishing a black sink plunger.” Ex- 
actly what the Telegraph meant by bran- 
dishing isn't clear, and we were in no 
rush to find out. 


PACHYDERM'S PAPYRUS 


Kenya artist and conservationist Mike 
Bugara has figured out how to turn ele- 
phant poop into paper. According to Neu 
Scientist, Bugara was inspired by the an- 
cient Egyptian process of transforming 


15 


RAW 


DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS ] 


QUOTE 

“The difference 
between a hero and 
a coward is one step 
sideways."—GENE 
HACKMAN, FROM THE 
NEW COMPENDIUM 
Quotable Quotes 
(Reader's Digest) 


GOLDEN NEWT 

Amount spent to 
restore the gold-leaf 
ceiling in Speaker of 
the House Newt 
Gingrich’s office: 
$40,000. 


COUNTRY COOL 

Number of coun- 
try music recordin, 
shipped in 1995: 76 
million. The number 
that were shipped in 
1996: 67 million. 

times a year. 

COMMON GROUND 

According to the Alan Guttmacher 
Institute, the percentage of women 
having abortions who identified 
themselves as born-again or evangeli- 
cal Christians: 20. Percentage who 
were Catholic: 31. Percentage who 
were Protestant: 37. 


ONE STEP FORWARD, ONE STEP 
BACKWARD 

According to Consumer Reports, the 

amount Americans spend annually 

on their baby walkers: $100 million. 

“The amount spent to treat children 

injured while in baby walkers: $100 


million. 


SEATS AT THE TABLE 

Number of the 6123 corporate 
board seats at Fortune 500 firms oc- 
cupied by women: 626. Number of 
the 1216 internal directors at these 
companies who are women: 11. Ratio 
of executive women who believe their 
chances of advancement at their com- 
panies have improved in the past five 
years: 3 out of 5. 


FOREIGN STUDIES 
Number of foreign students who 
were attending U.S. universities in 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


According to the state 
health department, Nevada 
prostitutes have sex about 105 
times a month. The average 
sexually active woman in 
North America has sex 83 


1995—1996: 453,787. 
"The country with the. 
most citizens study- 
ing in the U.S.: 


Japan. 


BROKEN RECORD» 

Number of Ameri- 
cans who filed for 
personal bankruptcy 
last year: 1.2 million. 
Number who filed in 
1995: 919,000. 


YOU MUST REMEM- 
BER THIS 
Based on a study 
at Washington Uni- 
versity in St. Louis, 
ratio of adults who 
can be encouraged 
to remember child- 
hood events that did 
not occur: 1 in 4. 


ARTFUL DODGERS 

According to the 
IRS, number of Americans who 
earned more than $200,000 and paid 
no federal income tax in 1977: 85. 
Number who earned $200,000 or 
more who paid no taxes in 1993: 
2392. From 1977 to 1993, percentage 
increase in number of Americans who 
earned more than $200,000 a year: 
1500. During the same period, per- 
centage increase of Americans who 
earned more than $200,000 and paid 
no taxes: 2800. 


BOWL GAMES 
According to Chore Wars by James 
"Thornton, percentage of women who 
think toilets should be cleaned week- 
ly: 96. Percentage of men who think 
bowls should be cleaned weekly: 89. 
Percentage of women who say their 
husbands never clean the bowl: 59. 
Percentage of men who admit they 

never clean the toilet: 17. 


DOG DAY AFTERNOONS 
Of the 317 shootings by New York 
City police officers last year, percent- 
age of the victims that were dogs: 27. 
Percentage of dogs shot by cops that 
were pit bulls: 69; rottweilers: 14. 
— PAUL ENGLEMAN 


maize, banana and eucalyptus into pa- 
pyrus. He boils the dung patties and 
washes them, then pounds the fibers in- 
to a texture resembling oatmeal. He 
soaks it, spreads it on screens and lets it 
dry in the sun. The finished paper is an 
appropriate medium on which Bugara 
paints his wildlife scenes. The Kenya 
Wildlife Service fully supports Bugara, 
supplying him with dung, and is plan- 
ning to use the paper for the invitations 
to its 50th anniversary celebration 
(Bugara also designed the invite). 


STRANGE CHARACTERS 


An ideal way to print the poison-pen 
letter you've been itching to write: Killer 
Fonts is a computerized font package 
that reproduces the handwriting of fa- 
mous murderers. The fonts are the bad- 
seed brainchild of film producer Stuart 
Shapiro and can be purchased from his 
Web site (www.killerfonts.com). As far as 
styles go, John Dillinger's letters look 
like he's scribbling on the run, Lee Har- 
vey Oswald's print is so choppy it looks 
as if there could have been a second 
writer and Jeffrey Dahmer's hesitant 
script appears to have been penned by a 
guy who often ate his words. 


HURLEY BURLY 


She's the face of Estée Lauder with the 
bottom of Beefeaters. It was reported in 
Los Angeles magazine that Elizabeth Hur- 
ley hangs out with a group of naughty 
British expatriates called the Viles who 
enjoy playing something called the 
Spanking Game. In a ritual that harks 
back to their school days, Hurley and 
such friends as Henry Dent-Brockle- 
hurst take turns bending over a sofa, 
baring their bums and trying to guess 
the identity of whoever steps up and 
spanks their behinds. "It's all very 
British," says Hurley. Psychologist Glenn 
Wilson told The Times of London "there's 
another school of thought that says the 
appeal of bottom-smacking goes back to 
the days when we were apes and having 
a red bottom was a mark of sexual at- 
traction.” We're blushing already. 


NEW LEECH ON LIFE 


According to the Utne Reader, leeches 
are making a medical comeback, espe- 
cially in reconstructive surgery. When a 
severed finger is reattached, vein dam- 
age sometimes makes blood circulation 
difficult. When this happens, the area 
turns black-and-blue and the finger 
sometimes needs to be detached and re- 
connected. But a special breed of leeches 
that are five to six inches long and sport 
300 teeth are used to loosen the ends of 
veins and to suck away the blood that 
collects. Leech therapy is apparently 
painless—leeches inject an anesthetic in- 
to their hosts. After 30 minutes or so of 
feeding, the leech simply drops off. 


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Six Flavors. Two Cuts. A pinch is all it takes to get that great Skoal taste. 


RAP 


NINE ALBUMS and ten years into his ca- 
тест, KRS-One shows no signs of slowing 
down. I Got Next (Jive) is full of street cor- 
ner philosophy, witty rhymes and the 
toughness that always defines his work. 
By staying true to his vision of himself as 
the teacher, KRS-One has survived rap 
fads. So when he explains a rapper's role 
in The MC or chastises crossover rap 
stars іп Rapture’s Delight or critiques 
friendship in A Friend, he does so with 
confidence. His spiritual heir, Redman, 
joins him on two cuts, Heartbeat and 
Blowe, on which the two trade verses 
with a vicious swagger. —NELSON GEORGE 


If you're looking for answers to the 
murder of Biggie Smalls in his two-disc 
second album, Life After Death by the No- 
torious В.1.С. (Bad Boy), please get lost. 
"There's plenty of gangsta representation 
here, though it's not so high-spirited as 
the stuff on his first album. Before he be- 
came a rapper, Biggie was a real crimi 
nal, the kind Tupac only pretended to 
be. But Life After Death is a work of art, 
not prophecy, social science or criminol- 
ору. Smalls rapped about pleasure, prof- 
it, sex and drugs. Yet, in the end, like 
every other hip-hop record of merit, this 
album is about beats and vocal delivery. 

—DAVE MARSH 


ROCK 


For 20 years after the MC5's demise, 
Wayne Kramer probably spent more 
time in jail than in recording studios. 
But he returned with wry maturity, a 
stronger voice and a vengeful guitar on 
last year's Dangerous Madness. Citizen 
Wayne (Epitaph) emphasizes all the hall- 
marks of Kramer's artistry: off-kilter hu- 
mor, guitar sounds from the other side 
of the universe and the ability to look at 
his achievements and fuckups. The mu- 
sic is less direct than the MC5 or Danger- 
ous Madness, but the best of it still burns. 
Kramer remains one of rock’s great 
raconteurs, as on Back When Dogs Could 
Talk, his account of the MC5's rise and 
fall. He also bravely faces his own 
demons on the junkie confessional No 
Easy Way Ош. — DAVE MARSH 


The Cunninghams have been her- 
alded as the new sound of Seattle, a sort 
of cross between Nirvana and Oasis. The 
band's debut, Zeroed Our (Revolution), is 
crammed with roaring guitars and Bea- 
tlesque melodies. The problem is, they 
sound like a band designed by a commit- 
tee. Hard-core grunge choruses are cob- 
bled onto cheery Britpop verses. The 
Cunninghams have talent—now they 

18 need to make something distinctive from 


KRS-One's / Got Next. 


Rappers, bluesmen, 
‚Ani DiFranco and a tribute 
to Jack Kerouac. 


their half-digested influences. 

Ex-American Music Club leader Mark 
Eitzel's second solo album, west (War- 
a much more successful Seat- 
. Eitzel is provided with life- 
affirming music by his collaborator, 
R.E.M. guitarist Peter Buck. On the 
haunting /f You Have to Ask and Helium, 
Eitzel recalls a young Elvis Costello. The 
duo is ably assisted by a number of top 
Seattle players, including Mike Mc- 
Cready of Pearl Jam and Barrett Martin 
of Screaming Trees. 

Are you still fecling technophobic 
about British electronica? Check out the. 
soundtrack for rhe Saint (Virgin), which 
features eight singles and six album 
tracks from current masters of the 
genre. As the clang and thump of the 
Chemical Brothers and the beauty of 
Dreadzone indicate, these bands know 
how to make drums, machines and com- 
puters sound human and fresh. 

—VIC GARBARINI 


As a strong-voiced diva of blue-eyed 
British soul, Lisa Stansfield has had 
some success in the U.S. Lisa Stansfield 
(Arista) is an entertaining 14-cut collec- 
n dominated by her deep, urgent de- 
ivery. She does a memorable cover of 
Barry White's Never Never Gonna Give 
You Up and a well-intentioned tribute to 
Phyllis Hyman on You Know How to Love 
Me. But Cried My Last Tear Last Night 
has the best chance of getting played on 


the radio. — NELSON GEORGE 


I hope my daughter turns out to be аз 
feisty and smart as Ani DiFranco. I hope 
when she's 18 she'll have the confidence 
to say: "Smile pretty and watch your 
back." And I hope when she's 25, she'll 
know "We lose sight of everything when 
we have to keep checking our backs." 
Both lines are from Living in Clip (Righ- 
teous Babe, PO. Box 95, Ellicott Station, 
Buffalo, NY 14205), a live double-CD 
that draws liberally on DiFranco's folk- 
punk years. Fronting a loose-limbed 
bass-and-drums duo here, she is nev- 
er boring. 

"That Dog's Anna Waronker comes 
with a daunting pedigree. Her dad is a 
fabled record exec, and her two side- 
women are daughters of jazz bassist 
Charlie Haden. These connections 
didn't hurt when she was shopping for a 
contract, but they're one reason 1995's 
winsome Totally Crushed Out went almost 
unnoticed. The new Retreat From the Sun 
(DGC) isn't so charming, but Waronker's 
romantic pop radiates credibility in a 
cynical world. — ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


SPOKEN WORD 


If you harbor the slightest hope that 
you will ever get along with your girl- 
friend, Maggie Estep will relieve you of 
all such delusions on Love Is a Dog From 
Hell (Mercury). Estep, who's sort ofa po- 
et and sort of a comedian, rants over 
techno and industrial weirdness. When 
you're not laughing, she'll make you sor- 
ry you were ever born. At the center of 
her vision is attraction alternated with 
revulsion, love alternated with stalking, 
and the boyfriend ideal alternated with 
bohemian dirtbag reality. All these are 
governed by the arbitrariness of mood. 
"What am 1, your fucking cat? Don't 
touch me like that!" she snarls. It won't 
make you comfortable, but you will be 
utterly, completely cleansed. 

Hero to all who aspire to free their 
spirits, Jack Kerouac damn well deserves 
an official tribute from his artistic de- 
scendants, and he gets it with Kerovac— 
Kicks Joy Darkness (Ryko). А diverse 
group, including Steven Tyler, Lawrence 
Ferlinghetti, Morphine and Hunter S. 
"Thompson, reads Kerouac's letters, po- 
etry and published prose, plus original 
tributes. It takes you back to the birth of 
the beatniks, which was the birth of al- 
most everything cool.—CHARLES M. YOUNG 


BLUES 


Angola Prisoners’ Blues (Arhoolie) was 
recorded in the Fifties at Louisiana's no- 
torious prison. It features the first re- 
cordings of the great Robert Pete 
Williams, a bone-chilling singer and 


wildly original guitarist. Williams’ Prison- 
er's Talking Blues might make you vow 
never to do anything that could get you 
sent to jail. Then again, these songs may 
also make you realize how little it takes to 
get thrown into the clink, A portion of 
the royalties gocs to the Inmate Welfare 
Fund at Angola, "which is responsible 
for recreation and providing musical 
instruments." —DAVE MARSH 


JAZZ 


Gen X reedman Ken Vandermark 
looks like teen spirit in his crewcut, flan- 
nel shirt and jeans. But he's heard the 
siren call of Sixties sax players John 
Coltrane and Albert Ayler. Vandermark's 
throaty tenor easily erupts into screams 
and shrieks, which leap from his quin- 
tet's infectious rhythms and sharp 
themes. Single Piece Flow (Atavistic, PO. 
Box 578266, Chicago, 1L 60657) marks 
the Vandermark Five among the best 
bands of its kind. — NEIL TESSER 


CLASSICAL 


J-S. Bach is, of course, the greatest 
composer. Three recent releases demon- 
strate his transcendent genius. Ton 
Koopman's ambitious 36-volume project 
of Bach's Complete Cantatas (Erato) has 
reached its fourth volume. This three- 
CD set of secular cantatas will become 
the new standard. Violinist Andrew 
Manze is already known as a baroque 
master. But his vital recordings of Bach's 
Violin Concertos (Harmonia Mundi) are 
surprisingly vigorous. Valery Afanassiev's 
two-volume Well-Tempered Clavier (De- 
non) shows the grandeur of Bach's 1729 
masterpiece. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


COUNTRY 


Joy Lynn White, a former Nashville 
hotel shoeshine worker, cut a remark- 
able roots record for Columbia in the 
early Nineties, but it was ignored. Now 
White is back with a fury on The Lucky Few 
(Little Dog). Dwight Yoakam guests on 
a duet of Jim Lauderdale's traditional 
weeper It's Better This Way, while White 
completely throws her gospel-rooted vi- 
brato into Lauderdale’s ballad Why Do I 
Love You. Likewise, her take on the Lu- 
cinda Williams rocker I Just Wanted to See 
You So Bad is in good hands. Good for- 
tune awaits this kind of conyiction. 

On Livin” or Dyin’ (Rising Tide Rec- 
ords), roots rocker Jack Ingram sounds 
like Steve Earle. Maybe that’s because 
the album was produced by Earle and 
his partner. Ingram's Nothing Wrong With 
That carries the infectious rhythms of 
Earle's I Ain't Ever Satisfied. But more ad- 
venturous is a cover of Joe and Rose Lee 
Maphis’ Dim Lights, Thick Smoke (And 
Loud, Loud Music). — DAVE HOEKSTRA 


FAST TRACKS 


Christgau | Garbarini Marsh | Young 
The Cunninghams 
Zeroed Out 4 6 7 6 6 
Ani DiFranco 
Living in Clip 8 6 8 9 2 
Maggie Estep 
Love ls From 
guum 2 7 7 
8 
7 8 8 


LIKE THE REAL VIRGIN DEPARTMENT: The 
curator of an art display at a Catholic 
college in California admits this show 
on Mary isn't what some people on 
campus expected. The show, which 
features artwork from 1450 to thc 
present, includes a piece called My 
Size Barbie. It mixes pop and religious 
images by using a crowned Barbie 
doll that appears against flashing 
neon circles with skulls littering the 
ground in front of it. Ifa visitor kneels 
betore the display, it triggers record- 
ings of Madonna singing Material Girl 
and Like a Virgin 

REELING AND ROCKING: Jon Bon Jovis 
next movie is Ed Burns’ Long Time Noth- 
ing New, in which the men and Lauren 
Holly form a love triangle. Harvey 
Keirel and Bridge! Fonda star in the in- 
die film The Road to Graceland, about a 
drifter who claims to be Elvis. Priscilla 
Presley and Elvis Presley Enterprises 
are actively participating in the movi 
making it possible for the filmmakers 
to shoot in and around Graceland. 

NEWSBREAKS: Tours continued: The 
House of Blues Smokin’ Grooves tour 
will be at an outdoor venue ncar you 
this month. This year's groovers in- 
clude George Clinton and the P-Funk all 
Stars, Cypress Hill, Erykah Badu, the Roots 
and Foxy Brown. Sorah McLachlan's 
Lilith Fair Festival continues through 
the end of August with a lineup that 
includes Mary Chapin Carpenter, Paula 
Cole, Suzanne Vega, the Indigo Girls and 
the Cardigans. . . . Pat Nelson, Eric Olsen 
and Dawn Derling have constructed a 
Web site called the Encyclopedia of 
Record Producers (www.mojavemu 
sic.com). It consists of a huge database 
currently containing the histories of 
the 1000 most important record pro- 
ducers in pop music. Elements of the 
encyclopedia will be published next 
spring by Billboard Books. 


k.d. lang, Rod Stewart, Steve Winwood, 
Jon Bon Jovi and surprise guests are 
set to perform a concert in London 
this month to celebrate the greatest. 
international stars of rock, from Elvis 
to Oasis, onc song pcr ycar. Projection 
screens will run video and still images 
to accompany the performance of 
each tune. . . . This fall LeAnn Rimes will 
release her third album. She also has a 
Christmas novel, Holiday in Your Heart, 
coming from Doubleday. . . . А new 
Aaron Neville is due this fall... . 
The tenth anniversary of the release 
ОЁ Paul Simon's Graceland was observed 
with an enhanced version that will re- 
place the regular CDs. It includes 
footage from the recording session, 
handwritten lyrics, track-by-track 
comments and interviews. .. . Fleet- 
wood Mac—Stevie Nicks, Lindsey Bucking- 
ham, Christine McVie, John McVie and 
Mick Fleetwood—has an Unplugged that 
was filmed for MTV and УН-1 spe- 
cials and possible home video relea: 
"The disc should be out right now, be- 
fore the late-summer tour begins. 
"The search continues for new ways 
to sell records: A New York retailer 
and a music promoter are teaming 
up to install listening booths in clubs 
that will feature the recent releases of 
the night's headliners. . . . Marty Call- 
ner, who directed music videos for 
Aerosmith, Bette Midler and the Cranber- 
ries, has launched his own record label 
and presented the first interactive 
music competition held on the Inter- 
nct. The Demo Derby (in conjunction 
with Ticketmaster) accepted submis- 
sions in late spring, then Net surfers 
voted on the songs. The artists won 
prizes, including studio time and col- 
lege radio promotion. Finalists will 
perform on a live cybercast this 
month. That's a pretty cool idea. 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


IN Star Maps (Fox Searchlight), young 
men prostitute themselves while suppos- 
edly pointing out the locations of Holly- 
wood celebrity homes. Handsome 18- 
year-old Carlos (Douglas Spain) is an 
aspiring film actor whose father (Efrain 
Figueroa) recruits him to pick up afflu- 
ent customers of either sex. In director 
Miguel Arteta's gritty debut feature, 
Carlos lucks out with a horny TV star 
(Kandeyce Jensen) whose husband and 
child don't seem to inhibit her predatory 
habits. His favorite trick promises him a 
ТУ role that could free him from his tan- 
gled family ties. Of course, things don't 
work out that neatly. But Arteta's well- 
played picture of the rank corruption 
underlying Tinseltown is apt to hold 
your interest. ¥¥/2 
. 


Life in Cuba today has a bright side— 
at least according to Guantanamera 
(Cinepix), an еапһу romantic fable co- 
directed by Juan Carlos Tabio and the 
late Tomas Gutierrez Alea—makers of 
the 1994 Oscar-nominated Strawberry 
and Chocolate. Much less political but no 
less vibrant, the movie begins with the 
return, after 50 years, of a world-famous 
singer who evidently dies of love for an 
old bcau shortly after coming back to vis- 
it family in Guantanamera. The singer's 
niece Georgina (Mirta Ibarra) and her 
husband, Adolfo, an unimaginative bu- 
reaucrat (Carlos Cruz), accompany the 
singer's body back to her native Havana. 
En route, the burial party keeps crossing 
paths with a virile truck driver named 
Mariano (Jorge Perugorría), a student of 
Georgina’s when she was a teacher. The 
growing attraction between Ibarra and 
Perugorría (he vas the gay freethinker 
in Strawberry and Chocolate) makes this a 
breezy sexual odyssey about love and 
breaking the rules. YYY 

. 


Terry, portrayed by David Arquette іп 
Dream With the Fishes (Sony Classics), is a 
nervous voyeur contemplating suicide 
when he meets Nick (Brad Hunt). Be- 
fore Terry can leap off a bridge, he is 
conned by Nick into enjoying his exis- 
tence to the max—which turns out to 
mean psychedelics, stealing a car, rob- 
bing a bank and bowling nude vith a 
couple of prostitutes. Nick ultimately re- 
veals that he is dying—from one of those 
nameless movie diseases—and the lads 
move in with his Aunt Elise (Cathy Mori- 
arty), an exotic dancer. In the end, Nick 
marries his girlfriend (Kathryn Erbe) 
and comes to terms with death while 
Terry learns to love life. No big surprise, 


20 yet writer-director Finn Taylor's offbeat 


Hennigan, Nelson are Bloorners. 


Love triumphs in Cuba, 
sexual tendencies revised and 
Geath wishes rerouted. 


first feature puts a surprisingly positive 
spin on a downbeat subject. YY 


"Though reminiscent of a Masterpiece. 
Theater TV epic, Mrs. Brown (Miramax) 
emerges absorbing and vibrant. It’s a 
hearty slice of British history, chroni- 
cling thelong relationship of Queen Vic- 
toria and a Scottish manservant, John 
Brown. After her husband Albert's 
death, Victoria became a virtual recluse, 
so deeply grieved that she ignored her 
official duties until Brown, the royal 
family's hunting guide at Balmoral Cas- 
tle, was summoned in 1864 to coax her 
out of mourning. He not only pries the 
proud queen from her shell but also be- 
comes a kind of bossy Rasputin, ruling 
the household, calling Her Majesty. 
“woman” and making himself indispens- 
able to her. Before she is lured back to 
public life by Prime Minister Disraeli 
(cunningly played by Antony Sher), 
scandalmongers openly refer to Victoria 
as Mrs. Brown. Judi Dench, a command- 
ing English star, and Scottish comedian 
Billy Connolly have volatile chemistry as 
the principals in an intimate, rarely dra- 
matized relationship, directed by John. 
Madden with intelligence and style. ¥¥¥ 


It’s more than coincidence that Lote 
Bloomers (Strand Relcasing), set in a Bible 
Belt town, happens largely in and 
around a high school named for Eleanor 


Roosevelt. Latent lesbianism, love and 
tolerance are the themes, and this hu- 
mane, subtle movie says more than such 
cultural milestones as the coming-out of 
Ellen. The flawlessly acted story con- 
cerns a geometry teacher and girls’ bas- 
ketball coach named Dinah (Connie Nel- 
son) and Carly (Dec Hennigan), a 
married mother who works in the prin- 
cipal's office. Dinh initially seems asex- 
ual, Carly merely bored with her indif- 
ferent husband and trying to cope with 
her young son and sexually precocious 
teenage daughter. After the two women 
slowly see and accept their love for each 
other, they suffer public humiliation, in- 
cluding a heated PTA debate about their 
baleful effect on youngsters. Before it's 
over, they lose their jobs but win back 
some respect and get "married" їп a cer- 
emony attended by colleagues, students, 
family and friends. If a few scenes seem 
sentimental, many others ring true—in- 
cluding those in which the two women 
shoot baskets in their bridal gowns and 
in the nude, and Carly's unaffected over- 
tures to her husband and kids. Late 
Bloomers is a slam-dunk sleeper. ¥¥¥/2 


Actors love to play wicked characters. 
Still, there ought to be someone to root 
for. Not in This World, Then the Fireworks 
(Orion Classics), a typically bleak film 
noir set in the Fifties and littered with 
implications of incest. Gina Gershon 
plays a voluptuous hooker who finishes 
off one client flagrante delicto and mur- 
ders her cranky mother (Rue McClana- 
han). Her fiercely protective, psycho- 
pathic brother (Billy Zane) is an 
allegedly brilliant reporter who knocks 
off a private eye (piercing his brain with 
a desktop spindle) and is cruelly abusive 
to a blonde cop (Sheryl Lee). She's a 
horny dame with poor self-worth, always 
willing to ignore the law so long as she 
gets laid. According to production notes, 
the film is based оп а Jim Thompson sto- 
ту. It's nice nasty work for the perform- 
ers but not a hell of a lot of fun for the 
Test of us. ¥/2 


‘The actors are better than the screen- 
play of Trial and Error (New Line), a farci- 
cal courtroom romp starring Jeff Daniels 
and scene-stealer Michael Richards 
(a.k.a. Kramer on Seinfeld). Daniels plays 
a hot Los Angeles lawyer named Charlie, 
who is engaged to his boss’ daughter and 
is ordered to a desolate Nevada town to 
defend a local scoundrel (Rip Torn in 
top form) accused of fraud. Charlie is 
feted by his best friend, an unemployed. 
actor (Richards), at a surprise bachelor 
party on the eve of the trial and wakes 
up so wasted that his thespian chum 


Bowlers Spats Straw Boaters Zoot Suits 


Fedoras Grey Flannel Suits Leisure Suits Casual Fridays 


тир ууу sb 1997 Anhouser-Busch, Inc. Budweiser" Beer. Gt. Louis, МО 


> 
The Classic American Lager Since 1876. Budweiser” 


22 


Kilpatrick: Perennial punching bag. 
F CAMERA 


He'll be fighting a whale in the 
forthcoming Free Willy 3, but 
Patrick Kilpatrick, a 62" 39-year-old, 
has made a name in Hollywood 
for being bumped off by virtually 
every major action star in the busi- 
ness. Shot full of lead by Bruce 
Willis, he calls himself "the first 
man falling in Last Man Standing." 
In last year's Eraser, he was 
Schwarzenegger's nemesis. He has 
done battle with Tom Selleck in 
TNT's Last Stand at Saber River, 
with Steven Seagal in Under Siege 2 
and most notably with Jean-Claude 
Van Damme in 1990's Death Ийт- 
rant. "I became known for that 
one, as a serial killer called the 
Sandman," Kilpatrick recalls. Hav- 
ing fought Sean Connery and 
Chuck Norris, the only hero he 
hasn't faced is Stallone. “1 was sor- 
гу to hear Sly has given up violent 
roles. I wanted to complete the set.” 

Kilpatrick lives in Santa Barbara 
with his English wife, Kerrie, and 
their two young sons. He was born 
in Virginia, grew up in Connecti- 
cut and went to the University of 
Richmond after a near-fatal auto 
accident at 17 interfered with his 
athletic future. To compensate, he 
turned to journalism. Later, he 
made his movie debut in Nicolas 
Roeg's Insignificance. “Starting 
with him was a great privilege. 
When I got to Hollywood, I told 
Nick, ‘I'm walking around here 
like a virgin, waiting for someone 
to fuck me as well as you did.'" 
Kilpatrick’s goal is to play Lucas 
Davenport, a Minneapolis detec- 
tive in one of John Sandford’s Prey 
novels, onscreen. “But the rights 
are always getting bought by р 
ple who never make a mo 
Meanwhile, he's going bad again 
ina flick called Replacement Killers, 
starring Mira Sorvino and martial- 
arts star Chow Yun-Fat. While he 
has no complaints, Kilpatrick 
notes wryly: “They usually pay the 
good guys much more, which can 
get irritating after a while." 


pinch-hits for him in front of the judge, 
pretending he's Charlie. While the role- 
swapping gets out of hand, Charlie 
meets a wayward blonde (Charlize 
Theron) much more to his liking than 
the girl he's about to marry. All in all, it's 
featherbrained and slapstick, but with 
ditzy sex appeal. УУ} 

. 


What's memorable about Ponette (Ar- 
row Releasing) is the performance of 
Victoire Thivisol, justifiably named best 
acıress at the 1996 Venice Film Festival. 
Not yet five when she made the movie, 
Victoire subsequently enrolled in kin- 
dergarten. She is, indeed, astonishingly 
believable as a child racked by grief over 
her mother's death in a car accident. 
Playing the mother who returns as a 
ghost in a schmaltzy episode, Marie 
Trintignant is effective but inevitably 
upstaged. Whether you like the film ог 
not, credit must go to French director 
Jacques Doillon, whose sensitive han- 
dling of his amazing young star results in 
one of the best screen achievements by a 
child prodigy. ¥¥¥ 

. 


А gay theme surfaces in Alive and Kick- 
ing (First Look), a British peck into the 
ballet world. Jason Flemyng stars as an. 
HIV-positive dancer. His sardonic lover 
(Antony Sher) is a doctor who treats 
AIDS patients. Both actors are highly ac- 
complished and persuasive in a flamboy- 
ant movie directed by Nancy Meckler 
and written by Martin Sherman. YY 

e 


The title role in Mondo (Shadow Distri- 
bution) is played by a Romanian gypsy 
boy, 11-year-old Ovidiu Balan. French 
filmmaker Tony Gatlif's effort exudes 
considerable charm аз а fable about a lad 
who seems as much a wraith as a waif. 
Homeless, he appears and disappears in 
the streets of Nice, encountering a magi- 
cian, a vagrant, a fisherman and an old 
Vietnamese woman. “Would you like to 
adopt me?” he asks everyone. Such pi- 
caresque tales seem precious, but Mon- 
do is a character so delicately drawn, he 
vanishes before the audience has a 
chance to get tired of him. ¥¥/2 

e 


In Box of Moonlight (Trimark Pictures), 
a married, uptight electrical engineer 
(John Turturro) loosens up after a road- 
side encounter with a free-spirited drop- 
ош (Sam Rockwell). The cloying title 
should be a warning to you: Writer- 
rector Tom DiCillo's Moonlight 
hold a candle to his Living in Oblivion. 
Turturro is a hell of a good interpreter 
of stifled impulses, though, and is well 
matched by Rockwell as the Kid—who 
steals lawn ornaments to make a living. 
DiCillo's effort to please is palpable, but 
his idea is overdone. ¥¥ 


t 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Alive and Kicking (See review) Ballet 
gay and his guy strut their мий. Уу 
Box of Moonlight (See review) Precious, 
but still casts a glow. УУ 
Brassed Off (Reviewed 5/97) Canned. 
British coal miners band together. ¥¥¥ 
Chasing Amy (6/97) A lesbian's hetero. 
exploits bug her boyfriend. ww 
Children of the Revolution (6/97) Judy 
Davis as a zealot who was impregnat- 
ed by Stalin. vy 
Dream With the Fishes (See review) Bet- 
ter to kill yourself or to live a little? ¥¥ 
Grind (7/97) Billy Crudup warms up 
as a bad boy who fools around with 
his sister-in-law. LZ 
Guantanamera (See review) Signs of 
life from a burial party in Cuba. ¥¥¥ 
Intimate Relations (6/97) British mom 
and Erz abed with a aiy 
lodge 

Kissed. 1 (6/97) She likes doing it sim 
young dead guys. 

Late Bloomers (See review) iere 
look at lesbian's coming-out. ҰҰУу; 
Love! Valour! Compassion! (7/97) Sad 
but witty weekends with gay guys 
who have already been around the 
block. УУУ): 
Mondo (See review) That old Gallic 
magic—despite its semiprecious 
spell. Wh 
Mrs. Brown (See review) Another man 
takes charge of Queen Victoria after 
Prince Albert kicks the can. УУУ 
Nightwatch (6/97) Serial killer has his 
work cut out for him in a morgue. 
Hold tight. Ууу 
The Pillow Book (7/97) Kinky as ever, di- 
rector Peter Greenaway studies the 
dark art of body painting. E 
Ponette (Sce review) Breathtaking act- 
ing job by a French child prodigy. ¥¥¥ 
Shall We Dance (6/97) For a tired 
Japanese clerk, life finally begins with. 
the two-step. УУУ 
Star Maps (See review) Hollywood 
tours with a hustling Боу-(оу. УУУ 
is World, Then the Fireworks (See re- 
w) A film-noir misfire. Y 
jal and Error (Sce review) Funny stuff 
in a courtroom fiasco. ууу. 
Ulee's Gold (7/97) As a beekeeper in 
jeopardy, Peter Fonda has never 
seemed so much like his father. УУУУ 
The Van (7/97) Two Irish chums sell 
and squabble while toiling in a fast- 
food wagon. wu 
Wedding Bell Blues (7/97) Three Vegas 
husband hunters try to luck out. УУ 
When the Cat's Away (7/97) Searching 
for her pet, French girl finds love. ¥¥¥ 


¥¥¥¥ Don't miss 
УУУ Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


VIDEO 


Clint Eastwood 
devotee Montel 
Williams likes to 
relax in his new 
in-home movie 
theater, where he 
savors spaghetti 
Westerns such 
as A Fistful of Dol- 
lars and Fora Few 
Dollars More. But 
the fast-talking TV 
host hasn't always enjoyed such luxury. In 
the Navy, Montel spent 300 days on a sub- 
marine—so he appreciates the choppy re- 
alism of Das Boot and The Hunt for Red Oc- 
tober. Still, it's the Civil War epic Glory that 
remains at the top of Williams‘ list. "From 
a historical perspective, it's the finest film 
ever done, And it's accurate, right down to 
the canteens." Every evening, however, 
Williams turns over control of the VCR to 
his three-year-old son, who pops in one of 
the Star Wars movies. "What can 1 say?" 
asks Dad. "It's our little ritual" —ponwa coe 


VIDBITS 


On the heels of the Oscar-winning docu- 
mentary When We Were Kings comes the 
six-tape Muhammad Ali: The Whole Story 
(Warner; $110). The title isn't hyper- 
bole. Weighing in at almost six hours. 
the bio tells the tale of the Greatest— 
from Clay to Ali—including his boyhood 
in Louisville, the 1960 Olympics, his best 
bouts (notably the Rumble and the 
Thrilla) and his transformation from 
three-time champ to global goodwill am- 
bassador. ... Alan Hale and Tom Bopp 
have discovered that having a comet 
named after them is a rare occupational 
perk. Usually, those who study the skies 
are kept behind the scenes. Not any- 
more. The Astronomers (МР1; $80) brings 
forward the scientists who look up for à 
living to explain what in the heavens is 
going on. Included in the six-part series: 
the story of the stars, the search for black 
holes, understanding cosmology and a 
crash course on the planets. It is narrat- 
еа by Richard Chamberlain. 


VIDEO WHO'S WHO 


Every picture tells a story—and a few are 
even truc. Some solid biopics: 

Coal Міпег”5 Daughter (1980): Sissy Spacek 
found the perfect twang—and won an 
Oscar—as Loretta Lynn, who left pover- 
ty in Butcher Hollow, Kentucky to find 
stardom in Nashville. 

Man of a Thousand Faces (1957): James 
Cagney, himself often imitated ("you 


dirty rat"), impersonates silent-film actor 
Lon Chaney, the original Hunchback 
and Phantom of the Opera. 

The Pride of the Yankees (1942): Gary Coo- 
per bats a thou in grand-slam recap of 
the short life of Lou "Iron Horse" Geh- 
rig. Babe Ruth cameos as himself. 

Patton (1970): George C. Scott perfectly 
captured General George Patton's lust 
for glory—then turned down his Oscar 
for it. Go figure. 

8% (1963): Federico Fellini hired Marcel- 
lo Mastroianni to play him, a director so 
hounded by adoring fans (read: women) 
that he can't create his art. 

Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story (1993): The 
script doesn’t let facts get in the way of 
good chop-socky, as martial artist Lee 
(Jason Scott Lee) kicks his way to a too- 
brief stardom. 

Ed Wood (1994): Johnny Depp shines in 
Тіт Burton's homage to the talentless, 
cross-dressing director of Plan 9 From 
Outer Space. Martin Landau won an Os- 
caras a defanged Bela Lugosi. 

Lenny (1974): Dustin Hoffman captured 
troubled comedian Lenny Bruce to scat- 
ological perfection. But Valerie Perrine 
almost steals it as Bruce's stripper wife, 
Honey Harlowe. 

Malcolm X (1992): The film Spike Lee was 
born to direct. Bespectacled Denzel Wash- 
ington doesn't miss a beat as the out- 
spoken Muslim separatist. 

Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942): Cagncy 
again, this time as star-spangled song- 
and-dance man George M. Cohan. Di- 
rected by Michael (Casablanca) Curtiz. 
Great Balls of Fire! (1989): Dennis Quaid 


Hamlet (ihe meloncholy Dane gets his due: four hours of 
Bronagh's splendid Elsinore sinks ii 


VIDEO 
COMEBACK 
OF THE MONTH 


Dune (1984), David 
Lynch's spin on the 
Frank Herbert sci- 
ence fiction epic, 
was a huge under- 


taking. Filming last- 

ed six years, cost 

more than $40 mil- 

lion and featured 

20,000 extras. The punch line? The thing 
bombed. So Universal is giving it another 
shot with a reissue ($14 98) featuring a 
wide-screen format and the original trailer. 
The cast includes Patrick Stewart, Sean 
Young and Sting. You be the judge. 


does Jerry Lee Lewis by way of the Tas- 
manian devil. And, by the way, we'd 
marry Winona Ryder too, even if she 
were our 13-year-old cousin. Goodness 
gracious! — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


Calling all Coenheads: In the wake of 
Fargo mania, two earlier films by Joel 
and Ethan Coen—Miller's Crossing (1990) 
and Borton Fink (1991) —have been issued 
in wide-screen by “Twentieth Century 
Fox ($40 each). Packages include no ex- 
tras, but the Coens' trademark mix of 
striking visuals, crackling dialogue and 
odd characters make the platters keepers 
all the same. — GREGORY P. FAGAN 


The Portrait of a Lady. 


(Piano director Campian points James‘ novel with feminist 


strokes; 


it players outshine Kidman). 


24 


WIRED 


DVD UPDATE 


The digital video disc has arrived—sort 
of. The new five-inch CD-style movie, 
music and multimedia format is current- 
ly available in seven U.S. cities as part of 
a test to see how the rest of the world will 
accept yet another digital entertainment 
medium. If software sales are good in 


the initial markets—Chicago, Dallas, Los 
Angeles, New York, San Francisco, Seat- 
tle and Washington, D.C.—you can bet 
DVD will quickly make its way out across 
the country. Meanwhile, here are a few 
things to keep in mind. ө DVD play- 
ers—priced from $500 to $1000—are 
available nationwide from RCA, Toshiba, 
Panasonic, Pioneer and others. The 
differences among the lower- 
priced machines are minimal. At 
the higher end of the scale, 
check out Pioneer's DVL-700 
LD/DVD ($1000), a machine 
that plays both DVDs and laser 
discs, and Sony's DVP-S7000, 
which has been praised for its 
exceptional audio reproduction 
capabilities. е Only time—and 
holiday sales—will tell whether 
movie studios will expand distri- 
bution beyond the seven test cities. 
We're predicting it will happen, as 
more than 50 DVD movies have al- 
ready been pressed and at least 50 
more are expected before January. 
Plus, at only $20 to $30 each, they're 

a bargain. Among our early favorites: 
Batman, Goodfellas, Lethal Weapon and 
Blade Runner: The Director's Cut (Warner 
Home Video), Goldeneye, Raging Bull, 
Rocky and Midnight Cowboy (MGM/UA), 
The Mask and Seven (New Line), The Ter- 
minator (Image Entertainment), Taxi 
Driver (Columbia/Tristar) and Fargo 
(Polygram). e DVD's picture lives up to 
the hype—it's far better than VHS and 


at least as good as laser disc. Some of the 
initial releases offer the choice of letter- 
box and pan-and-scan formatting, and a 
few, including The Mask and Blade Run- 
ner, offer director's comments and addi- 
tional footage. All combine the feature 
film with multiple language options and 
subtitles е To get a true feel for DVD's 
picture-perfect potential, track down 
Lumivision's Imax transfers, particularly 
Africa: The Serengeti. It's incredible! ө 
PLAYBOY is releasing about 15 of its home- 
video titles on DVD this year, including 
the 1997 Playmate of the Year, The Best of 
Pamela Anderson and The Best of Jenny Mc- 
Carthy. * Finally, if you want to bypass 
the seven-eity test, DVD releases are 
available through the Critics' Choice Video 
catalog. Call 800-367-7765 for more 
information. 


HEAD—AND SHOULDERS— 
ABOVE THE REST 


Choosing stereo headphones used to be 
easy. Either they were comfortable and 
sounded good—or not. But these days 
there arc all kinds of technological twists 
to consider. You can cut the cord be- 
tween you and your home entertain- 
ment system, for example, by going with 
a pair of wireless headphones. Rated 
among the best by audio critics, Reco- 


ton's top-of- 
the-line model 
WP525 ($180) 
operates via 
900-mega- 
hertz radio 
frequencies, 
allowing you 
to roam up to 
150 feet from. 
your TV or 
stereo, in- 
doors or out. 
For a less ex- 
pensive ver- 
sion, check out 
Emerson's 
AV2800 wireless 
headphones—the only 
model on the market with a built-in FM 
radio ($80). If you like your music on the 
go, Emerson also offers a line of head- 
phones called Ear Huggers. Priced at 
$12 per pair, these bud-style speakers 
will stay in place through the most vig- 
orous workout, thanks to wraparound 
plastic earpieces. And for something tru- 
ly original, Sony's SRS-GS70s rest on 
your shoulders (as illustrated here) with 
speakers that pump the sound up to- 
ward your ears. They even vibrate for 
extra effect during movie viewing and 
video game play. The price: about $100. 


WILD THINGS Be 


Hitachi's superslick MP-EG1A (pictured here) is the first 
digital camcorder fo store video on a PC card {in MPEG- 
1 format) rather than on tape. Recordings up to 20 
minutes аге easily transferred to a computer drive for 
Y editing, or to add moving images lo your Web site. 
The price: about $2500. e ADT, the notion's 
largest security company, and Atlanta-based Mo- 
bile Security Communications are teaming up to 
put auto thieves out of business. Their new vehi- 
cle security system, Car Cop, uses cellulor and 
global positioning satellite technology to tap 
into ADT's monitoring network whenever an 
attempt is made to steal or carjack your ve- 
hicle. You get a cellular phone that doubles 
as a security keypad and is prepro- 
grammed to provide instant access to ADT, 
оз well оз a GPS receiver for helping ADT 
and low enforcement agencies track your 
automobile. Other cool features: a “valet” 
mode that disables the cell phone yet still 
notifies ADT if the car is driven more than 
two miles from where you dropped it off, 
and automatic battery monitoring, 
which nolifies ADT when your voltage 
gets critically low. Car Cop is available 
in Atlanta, southern Florida, southern 
California, the Bay Areo, New York 
and New England, with additional 
metropolitan oreas slated for rollout 
later this year. The price: $700, plus 
$19.95 per month for ADT monitoring. 


MULTIMEDIA 
REVIEWS & NEWS 


FUN AND GAMES 
For some non-PC fun for your PC, check 
out Redneck Rampage. Loaded with hill- 
billy humor, this first-person combat 
game is set in rural landscapes filled with 
chickens, pickup trucks and homicidal 
aliens. Disguised as your overall-clad 
kith and kin, the beer-swilling aliens 
have kidnapped your prize pig, Bessie, 
and it’s up to you to get her back. With 
the help of your sidekick, Bubba, you 


CYBER SCOO 


|4 Recent computer-themed movies 

MUS have pretty much sucked—with 
the exception of Ghost in the 
Shell. This animated cyberthriller 
from Manga Entertainment beat 
ош! more than 1500 entries to 
win best theatrical feature film at 
this year’s World Animation Cel- 
ebration in Pasadena, California. 
Check it out on video. 


Speaking of movies, several vid- 
со games are headed to the 
screen. Among the most antici- 
pated is Capcom Entertainment's 
action and horror blockbuster 
Resident Evil. Look for it as early 
as next summer from Germany- 
based Constantin Films. 


choose from an arsenal of alien butt- 
kicking weapons. Pork rinds and cheap- 
ass whiskey provide additional power. 
(By Interplay, for DOS, about $50.) 


"Тһе shooting action in Turok: Dinosaur 
Hunter is anything but 
primitive. The game de- 
livers great 64-bit graph- 
ics, eight gargantuan lev- 
els, complex, fluid game 
play and hordes of pre- 
historic and extraterres- 
trial enemies begging to 
be blasted. Your entry- 
level arsenal includes 
bowie knives and explo- 
sive arrows. But once 
your skills progress, you 
can make dinosaur soup 
with the ultimate weap- 
on—a nuclear-fusion 
cannon. (Ву Acclaim, for 
Nintendo 64, about $80.) 


Once of the first games to take advantage 
of Intel's new MMX technology, Pod 
proves that the hype surrounding this 
supercharged chip is justified. Racing fa- 
natics will be blown away by the graph- 
ics, which run at speeds up to 80 frames 
per second (compared with 32 frames 


Turok: Comic turned N64 thriller 


per second with a standard Pentium 
chip). Set in a futuristic world, the game 
challenges you to a death match in which 
only the winner escapes a doomed plan- 
et. Pod’s 20-plus tracks, advanced artifi- 
cial intelligence, Dolby Surround and 
broad range of multiplayer options com- 
bine with the MMX chip to make it the 
best racing game yet. (By Ubi Soft, for 
Windows 95, $50.) 


Many movie-based games used to be lit- 
tle more than veiled attempts to cash in. 
on the mass appeal of pop- 
ular films. Independence 
Doy is an exception be- 
cause it does an excellent 
job of capturing the ac- 
tion of its box-office 
brother. The arcade 
shooter spans 13 explo- 
sive levels, which include 
airborne missions over 
12 international cities 
and the finale inside the 
alien mother ship. (By 
Fox Interactive, for Play- 
station, Saturn and Win- 
dows, $50.) The Arrival 
makes a better game 
than it did a movie, thanks to the exclu- 
sion of some bad dialogue—and Charlie 
Sheen. This three-disc adventure, de- 
signed as a continuation of the film, 
opens with the player trapped inside the 
aliens’ space station. The task before 
you: to escape undetected by solving 
well-integrated puzzles and by exploring 
high-resolution 3D environments. (By 
Live Interactive, for Windows 95 and 
Mac, $50.) Lastly, City of Lost Children is 
less notable for its graphic adventure el- 
ements (standard point-and-click explo- 
ration) than for its roots. The film is 
pure art house, scripted in French 
and Russian with English 
subtitles. The bizarre sto- 
ry is set in a dark town 
where an evil genius, six 
cloned henchmen and a 
disembodied brain (float- 
ing in an electrified 
aquarium) abduct kids in 
order to steal their 
dreams. Rent the movie, 
then play the game. Both 
are riveting. (By Psygno- 
sis, for DOS and Playsta- 
tion, $50.) 


BRAIN BRAWN 
Until recently, you had to 
tour PLAYROY's offices in 
Chicago, New York and Los Angeles to 
appreciate the range of sculptures, 
paintings and illustrations that make up 
our art collection. Now you simply have 
to pop The Art of Playboy into your CD- 
ROM drive. This PC title is an entertain- 
ing and informative look at the artwork 


PLAYBOY's digital gallery 


that has illustrated the magazine's ar- 
ticles and fiction over the past four 
decades. It also sheds light on the long- 
standing relationships we've had with 
some of the world’s finest talents. You'll 
find works by Salvador Dalí, Ed Paschke, 
LeRoy Neiman and Patrick Nagel 
among the hundreds featured in this 
disc, as well as biographies of the more 
than 200 artists represented. There's al- 
so a trivia game and a screen saver for 
transforming your monitor into your 
own Playboy gallery. (By Corel, for Win- 
dows 95, $50.) 


SURF CENTRAL 
Why thumb through the 
telephone book or waste 
money dialing 411 when 
you can point your Web 
browser to one of these 
free Internet directories? 
GTE Superpúges (cg.gte. 
net): In addition to pro- 
viding phone numbers 
and addresses ofbusiness- 
es nationwide, this digital 
directory features the 
Consumer Guide, with re- 
views of cars, electronics 
and other new products. 8ig Book (www. 
bigbook.com): This nationwide online 
business directory gets personal, helping 
you zero in on local establishments and 
providing maps on how to get to them. 
Bigfoot (www.bigfoot.com): Need to lo- 
cate an old flame? Just plug in her name 
and the city in which you think she lives, 
and this directory will try to track down 
her telephone number and e-mail ad- 
dress. Four11.com (www.fourl 1.com): Just 
as the name suggests, this site offers di- 
rectory assistance online. AT&T Toll-Free 
Internet Directory (www.tollfree.att.net/ 
dir800): A guide to 800 numbers. The 
Playboy Ultimate Directory (www.playboy. 
com): Our own one-stop site for indi- 
vidual and business listings, e-mail ad- 
dresses and more. 


DIGITAL DUDS 


Cruisin’ USA: This arcade cross- 
over crashes and bums as the 
first outright wreck in the Ninten- 
do-64 lineup. 


Duke Screw “Em: The name gave 
vs a laugh, but the first-person 
shooting action in this adult CD- 
ROM drags the erotic game 
genre to a new low. 


Leisure Suit Larry 7—Love for Sail: 
It’s more of the same from t 
tired lounge lizerd. Time to hang 
vp the leisure suit, Larry. 


See whal's happening on Playboy's 
Home Page at http://www.playboy.com. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155, 


25 


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STYLE 


BUCKLE UP 


In yet another fashion flashback, designers are taking cues 
from the decade of greed, slapping Eighties-style logos and 
initials on sportswear and belts. If you're into keeping your 
pants up with status initials, there are both elegant and casual 
looks to select from. On the dressy side, upscale shoe manu- 
facturer J.M. Weston offers a calfskin leather belt in brown or 
black with lighter contrast stitching. The buckle? A silver-plate 
w ($280, pictured bottom left). British designer Nicole Farhi 
has an embossed brown leather belt with a chrome N buckle 
($101). Donna Karan makes a ster- 
ling silver p signature belt for 
DKNY in chocolate brown 
or black leather 
($150), as well 
as a more ca- 
sual washed- 
leather ver- 
sion with a 
slick DKNY 
grill plaque 
(about $60). 
Fans of Ralph 
Lauren can opt 
for an Italian 
saddle leather belt 
in brown or black 
from the Polo Jeans 
Company line ($33). 
The dull nickel slide 
buckle on this model is stamped 
with the кі. logo—sufficiently 
rugged. Prefer to emulate those 
emaciated CK models? Strap 
on one of Calvin Klein's 
distressed or 
shiny brown, black. 
or olive leather 
belts with a plate 
buckle in brass or nickel 
(from $30 to $50, top left). The Italian la- 
bel D&G, by Dolce & Gabbana, puts a sil- z3 
ver-tone embossed logo buckle on a camel 
stretch-fabric belt ($100, top center). Offer- 
ing extra mileage, the shiny black calf- 
skin strap on Hermés' initial belt re- 
verses to gold grainy leather ($425, 
middle). An н alternative is Hugo 
Boss' leather belt with a silver 
buckle ($145, top right). And for 
iconoclasts, Vivienne Westwood 
decorates her black or baby 
blue leather belts with a gold- 
plated buckle covered in pavé 
rhinestones ($200 to $300). 


S T Y 


HOT SHOPPING: PHILADELPHIA 


Center City Philly is flourishing, and South Street is loaded 
with great buys: Inferno (618 South St.): Sporty urban 


threads, loose-fitting 
CLOTHES LINE 


action lines, tight 

rave wear and futur- 

istic Android watch- Stephen Collins plays a man of the 
cloth in Aaron Spelling's Seventh 
Heaven, but off camera, the cloth 


es. * Neo Deco (414 

South St) An up- 
the actor most adores 
is his Armani suits. 


scale boutique fea- 

turing Gene Meyer 
“Il never forget my 
first one," he says of 


suits and ties, and 
jeans by Todd Old- 

the single-breasted 
navy wool ensemble. 


ham and Gaultier. 

* Time Zone (535 
South St.): Funky “It was a whole new 
shoes and boots and experience." Collins 


colorful bowling is equally fond of his 
shirts. 9 Trash and white cotton Banana 
Vaudeville (628 


Republic shirt. "It's so 

simple. It looks great 

with jeans or a jacket 

or with my Banana 

Republic khakis." As 
for footwear, "I'm a complete suck- 
er for Fratelli Rossetti shoes. They fit 
perfectly." And although Collins 
Says he used to prefer plain, "safe 
socks," he now likes to experiment 
with patterned looks by Jhane 
Barnes and Calvin Klein. 


South St.): A spin-off 
from the East Village 
offering many styles 
of vinyl and poly 
print shirts, cool 
shoes, and English 
pillows and back- 
packs that are made 
of spiked rubber. e 
Ishkabibbles Eatery 
(337 South St.): 
Where visiting re- 
cording artists and 

actors (including native Will Smith) fuel up on classic Philly 
cheese steaks and french fries. 


CHEMICAL BALANCE 


Swimming is great exercise, but doing it 
daily wreaks havoc on your head. The 


s 
= chemicals that keep pools and hot tubs 
dean oxidize on your hair, making it dry 
е and discolored. To avoid the "chlorine 
green" look, try Aubrey Organics Swimmers 


Shampoo and Swimmers Conditioner, Ma- 
trix Essentials Alternative Action or 


b Aquia, a one-step shampoo conditioner 
r from goggle-maker Barracuda. Once 
a week, treat your hair with Chlo- 
rine-Away Booster Additives and 
. Quickin Demineralizer from 
Malibu 2000. The antioxidants 
ur in these products remove dis- j 
coloring minerals such as calci- | 

um and chlorine. i 


T-SHIRTS 


ойт 


Lean fits; high V-necks; crewnecks with con- 


STYLES frosting trim; neat-looking plain fronts 


Anything outsize or oversize; cropped muscle 
shirts; chest pockets; iron-on logos 


Basic black or white; light aqua or baby blue; 
bold hues; cotton with spandex for stretch 


Under a suit; tucked in or untucked with flat- 
front pants; layered with onother fitted T 


COLORS AND FABRICS 


HOW TO WEAR THEM 
28 


Day-Glo; camouflage; tie-dyes; faded ог 
bleoched-out looks; silk or royon 


Fonzie-style with rolled-up sleeves; under a 
bosketball jersey 


Where & How to Buy on poge 155. 


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It's a guys' thing. 


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TRAVEL 


WAYFARER'S HAUL 


If sailing aboard a сорга steamer cut of Tahiti seems more ap- 
pealing than shuffleboard, talent night or queuing up for a 
macarena contest on a cruise ship, freighter travel may be for 
you. Freighters have been carrying passengers since before 
the days of Joseph Conrad, but the conditions aboard today's 
ships are anything but spartan. According to Tiaullips maga- 
zine, “A spacious outside cabin with a large window and sepa- 
rate sitting area is a typical stateroom,” and ports of call in- 
clude faraway places with strange-sounding names. (When's 
the last time a cruise ship visited Takapoto in French Polyne- 
sia?) ОЁ course, flexibility regarding departure and return 
dates, duration of voyage 
and intended stopovers is 
necessary, because the 
main objective of freight- 
ers is moving freight, not 
people. First-time passen- 
gers may want to get their 
sea legs on a relatively 
short getaway—say, 12 
days aboard the MV San- 
ta Paula, which sails from 
Miami and stops in the 
Dominican Republic and 
Venezuela before return- 
ing to Port Everglades. 
Price: $1400, single oc- 
cupancy—and that’s for 
the owner's cabin. Or, if 
you've come up short in a 
corporate downsizing and 
have time to spare, Ger- 
many's NSB Line offers a 104-day round-the-world trip from 
New York to Australia, Asia, the Middle East, Europe and back 
to the States for $9700 to $12,500, double occupancy. (Seg- 
ments are also available.) For more info, subscribe to Travltips 
($20 a year) or the biweekly newsletter from Freighter World 
Cruises, Inc. for $29. 


NIGHT MOVES: PRAGUE 


ОЁ course you're going to Prague. Everyone's going to 
Prague, and the city is up to the challenge—particularly after 
dark. The place is best explored on foot, especially in fall 
when tourism wanes and there's more breathing space. Start 
your evening at Jo's Bar (Malostranské námesti 7) with a shot. 
of Becherovka (Jagermeister à la Prague) or, if you're game, 
a glass of absinthe, an anise-flavored liqueur that's banned 
elsewhere in Europe—and for good reason. Too much of it 
can drive you nuts, Next head to Prague's famous beer hall, U 
Flekü (Kremencova 11), for local dark beer served in the out- 
door garden. Most cafés and bars offer food, but we recom- 
mend the guláš (goulash) and smažený syr (fried cheese) at 
Red Seven (Na Kampé 7). U Dlouhé (Dlouhá 35) boasts 
great Czech soul food, and the roasted duck and coq 

au vin at La Provance (Stupartská 9) are delicious. IFit's 
mellow after-dinner entertainment you want, follow 

an espresso at the St. Nicholas Café (Tržiště 10) with 

blues and jazz at the nearby Blue Light (Josefská 22). 

Or join the wild crowd at Chapeau Rouge (Jakubská 2), 
a backstreet bar with a fun atmosphere, or Radost F/X 
(Bélehradsk 120), a dance club where models congregate. (If 
you cab it to Radost, negotiate the fare first. Prague taxi driv- 
ers are notorious for charging exorbitant rates.) At dawn, 
cross the Charles Bridge for a great view of the city. Then start 


90 the day with breakfast at Катра Park's waterside patio. 


GREAT ESCAPE 
SEA KAYAKING IN TONGA 
In the heart of the South Pacific sits Tonga, a miniature 


Polynesian kingdom with an attitude that’s as laid-back as 

a Jimmy Buffett album. Tonga comprises 170 islands, and 

Pacific Rim Paddling Co. offers the most 

way to discover its culture and wildlife: 

kayak, on a guided ten- 

day tour through the AN 

Vavau Island group. The | ۴ 

trip begins with an orien- Ù 7 

tation and two-night stay 

at a hotel in Vavau's capi- 

tal city, Neiafu. For the | 

next eight days your sleek, | 

two-man kayak can be 

maneuvered through sea 

caves and shallow inlets 

that are otherwise inac- 

cessible, giving you a 

close view of the islands” 

turtles, dolphins, whales, 

birds and bats. When 

you're not kayaking, 

there's plenty of time to р 

snorkel, fish, hunt for 

shells or bum around the coral beaches. Exotic meals in- 

clude local fruits and produce and, often, the catch of the 

day. After a few nights of camping under the southern 

hemisphere's canopy of stars, you may not want to go 

home. Price: about $1500, not including your air trans- 

portation to Vavau. Call 250-384-6103 for more info. 

ROAD STUFF 
Swiss Army Brand has just introduced the Victorinox Swiss 
Card (pictured below), a credit card-sized tool that incorpo- 
rates eight implements (knife, ruler, scissors, screwdriver file, 
tweezers, toothpick, spike and pen). Price: $30. For an addi- 
tional $30 you can own the company's Victorinox Swiss Lite 
pocketknife (also shown below), which shoots a red beam 
when you press the cross and shield. e If you've read “Night 
Moves: Prague" on this page and are bound for the "new 
Paris" (or just want some great armchair reading), order a 
copy of Lori Shafton's The Coffeehouses of Prague. It's a spiral- 
bound guide to 22 of the city's cafés and cozy taverns where 
caffeine lovers congregate. Black-and-white photos reveal. 
each establishment's ambience, and the book con- 
tains maps and pages for notes. Price: $18; call 
310-393-1149. The Coffeehouses of 
Paris and The Coffeehouses of Los 


Angeles arein 
the works. 


—» 


WHERE & HOW. 
TO BUY ON PAGE 155, 


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WHAT DO WOMEN WANT? 


Naomi Wolf, who caused a ruckus when she wrote The Beauty 
Myth, will surely cause another with Promiscuities (Random 
House). Wolf а writer who mines her own experiences and 
isn't afraid to be contradictory. She says, "Women long to be 
attentively touched, gazed at, caressed, deeply kissed and sur- 
rounded with sensuality.” Then she recounts candidly her ex- 
perience with a boyfriend who smacked her around. On one 
hand, she champions wom- 
en's sexual freedom, but 
she sees the hypocrisy of 
wearing a short skirt and 
then complaining that men 
are looking at her legs. 
These insights into the fe- 
male psyche will give men 
something to think about. 
Also worth a look: In the 
Garden of Desire: The Intimate 
World of Women's Sexual Fan- 
tosies (Broadway), by Wen- 
dy Maltz and Suzie Boss, 
offers vivid accounts of 
the erotic lives of contem- 
porary women who are 
frank, but not prurient, 
about their sexual fantasies. 
Are We Having Fun Yet?: The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Sex (Hy- 
perion), by Marcia and Lisa Douglass, is a handbook for 
women who are seeking to bridge the “orgasm gap” and bring 
equality and greater pleasure into the bedroom. Men can 
learn how to navigate the white water of female sexual desire. 
Just bring your paddle. — DIGBY DIEHL 


Promiscuities 


MAGNIFICENT 
OBSESSIONS 


| Are you tumed on by stiletto heels, 
sheer stockings, white ponties or pin- 
ups? The internotional publisher 
Taschen hes erotic little picture books, 
lobeled "amusegueules" (“munchies” 
1o you], thot ore. 
mode just for 
you. These 
minioture 
| softcover 
samplings 
of Toschen's 
larger, more ex- 
pensive volumes cover the sexual 
front from John Willie's sado- 
masochist comic art and pho- 
togrophs to 
Richard 
Kerns New 
York Girls, which was 
described by the publisher as "hord- 
core photographs by a practiced 
Peeping Tom.” They're exotic, erotic, 
fun and, in on easily portoble size, 
they're designed to keep your obses- 
sions, however mognificent, close to 
the chest. —DICK LOCHTE 


[Der 


Tischen, 


Novelists are kings in Hollywood. In what has been nick- 
named the Jurassic Shark deal, Disney set aside $1.5 
million for film rights to Steve Alten's Meg (reviewed last 
month) after reading just the first hundred pages of 
manuscript. The Jaws-like fish story is about a mega- 
lodon that terrorizes Hawaii. Martin Cruz Smith's Victori- 
an thriller Rose (Random House) sold to Miramax Films 


for $600,000. Screenwriter Ted (Silence of the Lambs) 
Tally will pick up nearly three times that to adaptit. Scott 
Frank, the film writer who turned Elmore Leonard's Ger 
Shorty into a hit movie, is adapting that author's bank 
robber-lady marshal romance Out of sight. And Quentin 
Tarantino is scripting Leonard's Rum Punch, about a bail 
bondsman and flight attendant trying to lift an arms 
dealer's loot. Reversing the cash flow, Simon & Schus- 
ter has handed moviemaker Wes (Scream) Craven a re- 
ported $1 million for his first novel, a medical thriller he 
sold before he put one word on paper. 


THE PRESIDENT MUGGED IN PRINT 


Bill Clinton may be the biggest fan suspense novelists have 
ever had in the White House. But that doesn't mean he or the 
presidency is getting a free ride from fiction writers. Primary 
Colors, by Joe Klein, bashed Bubba 
and struck best-seller gold, along 
with David Baldacci's Absolute 
Power, wherein a presidential 
rough-sex romp leads to mur- 
der. Now there are at least a 
dozen new travails of the chief, 
including Michael Weaver's The Lie 
(Warner), in which the big guy is tak- 
en hostage, and David Callahan's State 
of the Union (Little Brown), which has 
him at the top of an assassin's hit 
list. And this month's First 
(M. Evans), by former Reaga 
Bush scribe Douglas MacKin- 
non, features a prez so loutish he 
uses the first lady 
as a punching bag. It might just 
be enough to send Clinton to a 
Star Trek convention. 
— DICK LOCHTE 


BASKETBALL JONES: 

Some of the greotest ployers in the 
history of the gome are coptured in 
flight, under the basket, at the foul 
line and one-on-one with their oppo- 
nents in Basketball Stars (Black Dog & 
Leventhol) by Nick Dolin, Chris Dolin 
and Dovid Check. This towering book 
(7/7 х187) features 200 in-your-foce 
pholos and o courtside view of, omong 
others, Kareem Abdul-Jabbor, Larry 
Bird, Wilt Chamberloin and MJ, as well 
as on inside look at legendary coaches. 
Let's give Basketball Stars o well-de- 
served hoop-de-do. —HELEN FRANGOULIS 


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HEALTH & FITNESS 


888-NOT-2-LATE 


Keep this number next to the condom in your wallet, because 
if the condom brcaks it's the casiest way your partner can find 
a doctor who prescribes a morning-after pill. There are sever- 
al methods of postcoital contraception that have nothing to do 
with the French abortion pill RU-486. Unfortunately, most 
women—and some doctors—get them confused. Emergency 
contraception comes in three forms: specific brands of ordi- 
nary estrogen-progestin birth control pills; *minipills," which 
contain only progestin; and the copper-T IUD, which can be 
used up to seven days after unprotected sex. With 3.5 million 


unwanted pregnan- 
| дар» Ай 4 ae | 


a year—half of 
ich result from the 
lure of contracep- 
tives—it's imperative 
2 that every woman 
have a reliable back- 
up. These methods 
are actually 20 ycars 
old, but they didn't at- 
tract notice until the 
FDA gave its official 
blessing this past Feb- 

v- ruary—giving compa- 
nies the green light to market regular birth control pills as 
emergency contraceptives. Since then reproductive rights ad- 
vocates have been spreading the word through public-service 
ads. For more information, check out the Emergency Contra- 
ception Web site at hup://opr.princeton.edu/ec. 


DO YOU HAVE THE RACER'S EDGE? 


"Think you're in great shape? OK, macho man, give the Hi-Tec 
Adventure Race a whirl. "It's not a walk in the park," warns 
race director Michael Epstein. “Is a sprint adventure race 
modcled after longer endurance races such as the Raid Gau- 
loises and X Games, only it's more affordable and accessible." 
"Teams of three, including at least one woman, must com- 
pletea combination of sports events, including six to ten miles 
of trail running, ten to 15 miles of mountain biking, about an 
hour of flat-water kayaking and a few surprise events (hint: 
"Think bows and arrows, climbing ropes and jigsaw puzzles). 
The course isn't revealed until the day of the race but is de- 
signed to be completed in three to five hours. And if you're 
lucky you'll bump into some interesting competitors: Alexan- 
dra Paul from Baywatch raced on the 
Entertainment Tonight team last year. 
"This year's races are scheduled for 
Hartford, Con- 
necticut on July 
13, Miami on 
September 14, 
Pittsburgh (at 
Moraine State 
Park) on October 
5 and Los Ange- 
les (at Califor- 
nia's Castaic Lake 
Recreation Arca) 
on November 2. 
Check-in for all lo- 
cations takes place the night before the 
race. The entry fee is $150 per team; 
winners receive a $10,000 cash purse. Registration is limited. 
Call 818-707-8867 for an entry form, or check out the Web 


94 page at www.mesp.com. 


Paul in top form 


DR. PLAYBOY 


Q: I recently heard about a new treatment for erectile 
dysfunction. Every other aid Гус seen has involved an 
injection and has sounded both scary and tricky. My fin- 
gers are crossed: What's the good news? 

A: Impotence is a distressing fact of life for as many as 
20 million American men . In the old days, an impotent 
man had to inject medication into his penis to achieve 


an erection. Fortunately, scientists at Vivus, a California- 
based pharmaceutical company, re- 

cently introduced a solution called 

MUSE. It's a synthetic prostaglandin 

called Alprostadil, which relaxes the 


vascular smooth muscle and thereby per- 
mits a surge of arterial blood into the pe- 
nis. It comes in a suppository that is insert- 
ed into the urethra via a plastic applicator. 
In as little as ten minutes, you'll have an 
erection—without breaking any skin. MUSE 
can treat erectile dysfunction resulting from 
a variety of medical conditions, including 
surgery, diabetes and vascular discasc. About 
one third of MUSE users experience occa- 
sional penile discomfort; however, serious 
complications are rare and consist mainly of 
prolonged erections. MUSE is available by 
prescription only, but if you hate needles, this 
is your chance to get back into the act. 


WEB SITE OF THE MONTH 


Our nod goes to the Testosterone Source, which offers a ter- 
rific tour of a sensitive subject. What's the function of this 
male hormone? Do I have a deficiency? What does age have to 
do with it? Find the answers to these and hundreds of other 
questions at www.testosteronesource.com. Remember, 
though, that the site was created by SmithKline Beecham, the 
drug company that markets the testosterone patch 


PEDAL POWER 


It's a raft! It’s а paddleboat! It's 
a treadmill! Actually, it's most. 
likely a Water Bike or Seacy- 
cle, both of which may look 
like toys but are actually 
well-designed cardiovascu- 
lar machines. The Water 
Bike is for one rider; the 
Seacycle can be 
rigged to accommo- 
date up to four. On 
the Seacycle the 
arm-strengthening action 
is optional; on the Water Woter Bike: 
Bike it's standard. By Атоге the beach bums. 
pedaling your legs and 

moving your arms, you drive a propeller that keeps the bike 
going from five to 12 miles per hour, even in rough water. 
You'll burn an average of 720 calories per hour, and the bike 
offers a great upper- and lower-body workout. Seacycles have 
been ridden across the English Channcl, and one guy pedaled 
his Water Bike from Seattle to Juneau, Alaska. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 185, 


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МЕМ 


А nd now your intrepid Меп colum- 
nist will focus on yet another sub- 
ject we are not supposed to talk about. 
But dont tell me that you havent 
thought about it, compadre, because I 
know that you have. 

Cut to a Sunday morning in Chicago a 
few years ago as Strawberry and I walk 
into our favorite coffee shop. 1 order 
hash browns, ham and half a honeydew 
melon. She orders a Diet Coke with 
maraschino cherries. That is my first 
clue something is amiss, but I inexplica- 
bly ignore it. 

Sunday breakfast is one of our mutual 
pleasures in this new relationship we are 
establishing, and while I sort through 
the newspapers, I talk about the Chicago 
Bears. The fact that Strawberry—usually 
spunky and full of good cheer—is unre- 
sponsive seems strange to me, but I dis- 
count that behavior. 

In this discounting, 1 am a victim of 
guy logic, which says that since Straw- 
berry loves pro football, she will enjoy 
talking about it. After all, this is a woman 
who correctly picks NFL winners a high- 
er percentage of the time than most pro- 
fessional gamblers. Is it therefore not 
logical that she will enjoy this topic? (Or 
perhaps I should ask that in another 
way: Are there days when guy logic does not 
apply to the opposite gender?) 

“So,” I ask Strawberry as our order ar- 
rives, "will the Bears find a decent quar- 
terback this year?” 

"I have no idea," Strawberry says 
without interest as she digs like a sugar 
addict for the cherries in her glass. This 
is a clue Sherlock Holmes would spot in 
a heartbeat, but I miss it. 

As I eat, I notice that Strawberry is 
staring out the window and frowning at 
something. "What's wrong?" I ask. 

"Nothing," she says, shrugging. 

"Something is bothering you," I say. 

“I hate that blue car,” she says calmly. 

"You hate a blue car?" 

"Absolutely," she says. 

1 fall into her trap. It is a sunny morn- 
ing, we have a glorious day ahead of 
us—l go along to get along. I even 
search for the car. 

"Where is it?" I ask, trying to sound 
offended. I want to be angry, too. 

"Over there," she says, pointing at a 
battered sedan parked across the street. 
"And I hate it." 

My stomach full, my brain still slow 


96 and stupid, I study thc car. What is 


By ASA BABER 


THOSE BLUE 
CAR DAYS 


wrong with it? Why can't I hate it the 
way Strawberry hates it? If she sees we 
arc buddies, maybe she will speak to me 
in more than monosyllables. 'Then it hits 
me, the dreadful possibility 1 hadn't pre- 
viously considered. "Oh shit," I say as I 
struggle with reality. 

"What's the matter with you?" Straw- 
berry snaps. 

"Is it that time of the month?" I wince 
as I ask. 

"What do you mean?" Strawberry asks 
defensively. "Just say what you mean." 

"Is it—you know?" No response. She 
is not feeling cooperative today. “Is your 
ion?” I ask. 
les tightly. “My period 
is now in session, butthead,” she whis- 
pers. “So shut up and hang on.” 

This happens to be one of those mo- 
ments when the Force is with me, and I 
devise what we have come to call the 
Blue Car Code. “From now on,” I say to 
Strawberry as she asks the waitress for 
more cherries, “we are going to have a 
way of signaling that your period is here 
and all is not well.” 

“Hey, I'm fine. Everything is fine,” she 
says pugnaciously. 

“You are semifine,” I say. “You are also 
a little bit nuts today. So from now on, 
whenever you say, 'It's a blue саг day, 
Ace, I will not bug you, I promise. But I 
need a warning. So will you do me that 


favor, please?” 

“All right. It's a blue car day, Ace,” Straw- 
berry says loudly as she laughs at her 
own mood swings. “There. I said it. Now 
shut up about it.” 

I say “OK,” and nod, knowing that I 
have survived yet another cycle of the 
moon. But that Sunday morning leaves 
me with some thoughts about the primal 
differences between men and women 
and the rhythms of human biology. 

For most guys (yours truly included) 
menstruation is an awesome and myste- 
rious subject. For starters, check out 
Webster's definition of the word: “men- 
struation: a discharging of blood, secre- 
tions and tissue debris from the uterus 
that recurs in nonpregnant breeding- 
age primate females at approximately 
monthly intervals and that is considered 
to represent a readjustment of the 
uterus to the nonpregnant state follow- 
ing proliferative changes accompanying 
the preceding ovulation." 

To this definition most men would say 
something like, “Yeah. OK. That's 
enough. No need to read it again—I 
don’t need to know a whole lot more 
about it. Women can have it. I don't want 
it. It's too strange for me.” 

No matter how many times we are told 
that there are no differences between 
women and men, this elemental function 
of the female body stands out like a 
lighthouse to most men, a blood-red 
beacon on the shores ofsexuality that in- 
trigues and awes us. Most ofthe women 
we know and love go through it every 
month, their emotions waxing and wan- 
ing, and we are left standing on the 
shore, dumb and then dumber, waiting 
for their storms to subside and domestic 
peace to arrive again. 

What makes it weird for us in this 
strange and puritanical new age is the 
fact that none of this is supposed to be 
discussed in these terms. (Menstruation? 
Tt wasn't there again today; oh, how they 
wish it would go away). To even imply 
that nature has handed women an emo- 
tional burden we do not share is to risk 
being called sexist and misogynist. In a 
unisex culture, how dare a man point 
out such differences? 

The truth is that on blue car days, no 
matter how unpopular it may make us, it 
is easy. Even if we have to duck as soon аз 


we say it. 
El 


WOMEN 


verything was fine until Digby met 

Posey and they fell madly, irrev- 
ocably in love. Soon after, the pissing 
started. 

Digby had been a normal little fellow: 
Yes, he was vain, vocal and opinionated, 
but what can you expect from a nine- 
pound terrier? 

"Because we are Persian, we do not 
know how to take care of a dog," said a 
woman who got my number from the 
Dog-Suckers-R-Us hotline. "And if you 
can't take him he must go to the pound.” 

If you live in Los Angeles or in way too 
many other cities, you must never take a 
dog to an animal shelter, since this dog 
may well be killed. Yes, they say, “Oh, 
we'll hold the animal for a while before 
it's euthanatized,” but never, ever count 
оп it (except in San Francisco, which is a 
no-kill city). With sickening frequency 
beloved pets that somchow manage to 
knock out a window screen or burrow 
under a fence are picked up by animal 
control and slaughtered, often minutes 
before their distraught owners rush in to 
claim them. This is not hyperbole. I have 
statistics. I have affidavits. 

“Okeydoke, bring him over,” I said to 
the Persian woman. “I will foster him 
and find him a home.” And she did. She 
knocked on my door holding this tiny 
scrap of a guy, who looked to be a terri- 
er-squirrel-spider mix. His fur was mat- 
ted with melon-colored lipstick kisses. 
Tearful goodbyes ensued, more lipstick 
was smeared, and she left. Digby ran in 
circles, sniffed the other dogs’ butts and 
investigated the kitchen thoroughly, 
then barked happily and jumped onto 
my lap. 

“You sure are cute,” I said to him. “I 
will find you a good new home in about 
a minute.” 

“Rrrowr,” he barked archly. That was 
five years ago. 

I searched, but Digby was impossible 
to place. I ran an ad in the paper. Every- 
опе who responded said things like, 
“Well, I hope this one lives. My last seven 
dogs got run over.” Or “I want the dog 
to cheer up my mother, who has two 
wecks to live," or "Can he fight real 
good?" or "My little girl wants a dog." 

Parents, do not get your children a 
dog unless you are absolutely certain 
you want a dog way more than they do. 
Children vacillate. One minute they 
must never be parted from their Barney 
doll, not even while bathing. The next 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


DOGIS MY 
COPILOT 


minute Barney is buried in the backyard 
forever. 

And if you get your child a dog, do not 
get her a small dog. Small dogs are 
afraid that small children will suddenly 
тїр off their legs, which tends to make 
them (the dogs) snappy and gloomy. A 
nice Lab-collie-shepherd-beagle cross is 
what you want, preferably a black dog 
with a white blaze on his chest. They are 
always euthanatizing this paragon of the 
dog world at animal shelters and I don't 
know why. If it were up to me, black 
dogs would inherit the earth. 

Meanwhile, Digby acclimated. He 
bowed obsequiously to Sally, my papillon 
alpha bitch. He gamboled goofily 
around the head of Doc, my white-chest- 
ed black Lab-collie-shepherd. He spent 
an hour each day carefully tending to 
the ears of Homer, my happy red 
hound. (Do you remember Homer? 1 
wrote about adopting him after someone 
dumped him when he was 11 ycars old. 
He is now 16! He still can jump onto a 
table to grab and consume a loaf of 
bread in a nanosecond. Just the other 
day he greeted me at the door with a 
corn-chip bag over his entire head.) But 
mainly Digby was devoted to Mike, my 
neurotic, craven papillon. They were 
pals, buds, brothers in scaring mailmen 
and attacking vacuum cleaners. They 


egged each other into stealing used san- 
itary napkins from the bathroom trash 
for playing tug-of-war in front of visiting 
clergymen. And then, one fateful day, 
there was a knock at the door. I opened 
it to find a box containing a quaking, ter- 
rified papillon at my feet as a car sped 
away. I took her in and named her Posey. 
She blossomed into a beautiful flirt. Dig- 
by and Mike each vied desperately for 
her hand. Digby won. His prance had a 
new spring to it. He shot disdainful, vin- 
dictive glances at Mike, who went into a 
decline. Digby and Mike never played 
again; they barely managed polite nods. 

Posey, who had been kicked around in 
her previous home, was tough and feisty. 
And one fateful, horrible day, Posey de- 
cided that the undivided devotion of two 
neutered males was not enough. She 
wanted to be the neutered alpha bitch. 
She attacked my beloved Sally and near- 
ly severed Sally's jugular. Bitches are like 
that. (You may have noticed.) 

Then two things happened to rock 
Digby's world. Posey went to live in Ohio 
with Nona and Mary Rosen, the biggest 
dog lovers on earth. And I got married 
to an unneutered male. 

And so Digby, until then fastidious in 
his habits, started a peefest. He peed on 
my husband's pillow, usually just after 
we changed the linen. He peed in Mike's 
food bowl. He peed on my shoes. When 
not peeing on things, he took to staring 
mournfully out the window and howl- 
ing. Don't anybody ever try to tell me 
that dogs have no emotions. The dog's 
heart was broken. It was sad. Plus, there 
was the peeing. 

So one day this spring I put Digby in а 
little travel case and we boarded an air- 
plane for Columbus, Ohio. Digby bore 
the trip with only the odd whimper. 
Nona picked us up at the airport. We 
drove to her lovely house and into her 
garage. The door to the house opened 
and Posey appeared. 

Posey smelled, then saw Digby. Digby 
stared slack-jawed at Posey. They ran to- 
ward each other in slow motion [cue vio- 
lins]. They kissed. 

Nona tells me Digby has acquired 
quite a lovely collection of sweaters. No 
dog pound for this fortunate scrap. I 
miss the little dude. But what are you go- 
ing to do? Love will out. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


We live in the US. territory of Guam. 
Recently there has been an influx of im- 
migrants from the island nation of 
Chuuk. We've heard references to a sex- 
ual position called the Chuukese ham- 
mer, but when we ask for details, our 
new friends just respond with big smiles. 
Can you help?—L.Y., Agana, Guam 

No problem. The Chuukese hammer (also 
known as wechewechen chuuk, which trans- 
lates as “Trukese striking"), requires the 
man to sit with his legs spread. The woman 
kneels facing him and scoots forward so her 
partner can slide the head of his penis just 
inside her labia. He then grasps his erection 
and moves it up and down (the "hammer") 
to stimulate her clitoris. As the couple reach- 
es climax, the man draws the woman closer 
and slides inside her. To signal the height of 
her arousal, the woman may place her finger 
in the man’s ear. The Chuukese hammer re- 
minds us of an American-made trick called 
the builder’s grip. During intercourse, the 
man occasionally pauses, wraps his hand 
around the base of his penis, withdraws and 
gently “hammers” his erection against his 
partner’s clitoris. Just make sure her fingers 
are oul of the way. 


Has anyone ever had sex in outer 
space? What were the results? Surely 
someone must have tried it by now.— 
G.S., Austin, Texas 

Sex in space—the final frontier. NASA 
says no one has become a member of the 250- 
mile-high club on an American mission. The 
Russians are another matter. There has been 
speculation—but no proof—that sex ос- 
curred after an adventurous female cosmo- 
naut joined the two-man crew of a Soviet 
space station in 1982. We're skeptical, but 
that may be our patriotism showing. Space 
agencies in both countries have shied away 
from the topic, yet it's becoming relevant now 
that missions can last months (a manned trip 
lo Mars would take six months each шау). 
Weightless sex would be a challenge—with- 
ош restraints, а couple would drift apart as 
they pushed against each other. On the up- 
side, as Arthur C. Clarke observed in 
PLAYBOY а few years ago, “the absence of 
gravity would certainly make the more acro- 
batic performances outlined in the ‘Kama 
Sutra’ less likely to invoke the urgent services 
of a chiropractor. Consider, for example, the 
notorious daisy chain—hitherto, merely two- 
dimensional. In zero gravity, all the regular 
solids and many highly irregular ones could 
be constructed.” Pity the poor sap who has to 
be strapped doum to get it started. 


What is the best way to serve caviar?— 
D.S., Cleveland, Ohio 

First, choose a quality caviar. Traditional- 
ly, the best roe (beluga, osetra and Sevruga) 
comes from the Caspian Sea, though some 
American caviar is also excellent. Look for 


the word malossol on the label (“little salt” in 
Russian, a reference to the curing process), 
and avoid the pasteurized stuff. Place the 
open container in a small glass or porcelain 
bowl, surrounded by crushed ice. Don't use a 
metal or stainless steel serving spoon, which 
can spoil the taste. Some caviar lovers insist 
the roe should be served only with lightly 
toasted bread points, or with a squirt of 
lemon juice if you're serving a lesser-quality 
grade. You don't want to serve chopped eggs, 
onion, sour cream, creme fraiche or an 
thing that overpowers the roe. The drinks of 
choice are dry champagne or frozen vodka. 
Aduenturous hosts use caviar to top dishes 
such as omelettes, pasta, salads or fish —ue 
approve. In preparing caviar, never freeze or 
cook the eggs, and finish eating the roe with- 
in a week of opening the tin. Store fresh 
caviar in the coldest part of the refrigerator, 
or in a bowl of crushed ice; unopened tins 
will remain fresh a few weeks at best. 


Do you have any advice for developing 
better relations with one’s in-laws? It 
seems this is an important but оуег- 
looked aspect of most relationships.— 
M.W., Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 

In-law problems nearly always stem from 
conflicts about loyalties—the old families 
versus the пеш. Here are some general sug- 
gestions: Don't lobby your in-laws when you 
have fights with their daughter. Don't betray 
family secrets. Don't criticize or bad-mouth 
your wife lo her family (we have to tell you 
that?). Don't play mind games such as deni- 
grating your in-laws to make your own par- 
ents look better. Most important, don't shift 
the blame for conflicts in your relationship. 
("this is your mother's fault") or offer ulti- 
matums (“it’s either me or them”). Finally, 
remember that you don't have to like your in- 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


laws to get along with them. For more guid- 
ance, one book we like on the topic is "Don't 
Call Me Mom: How to Improve Your In- 
Law Relationships" (954-925-5242, or life 
timebooks.com). The next letter is from a 
reader who managed to bond quite well with 
his mother-in-law. 


For the past five months 1 have been 
having an affair with my wife's mother. 
She's 56 and has a great body. The affair 
began when she stayed with us wl 
looking for a house. My wife works the 
night shift as a nurse, and I was home 
watching TV when my mother-in-law 
came out of the bedroom wearing a robe 
and smoking a joint! She sat down, of- 
fered me a hit and told me she hadn't 
had sex in three years (since my wife's fa- 
ther died). I told her she was high and 
that she should go back to bed, but she 
slid closer and started kissing me. We 
ended up in the bedroom and made love 
three times before I fell asleep. Then I 
had sex with my wife the next morning. 
(It wasn't easy, but I managed.) Two 
weeks ago my mother-in-law moved into 
her new house, and now we screw there. 
My wife thinks it’s great that I get along 
so well with her mother, but she wonders 
why I go to see her every night. 1 tell her 
it's to move furniture, but that won't 
work forever. 1 still love my wife, but the 
sex is too good with her mother. What 
should I do?—S.M., Orlando, Florida 

It's too late now, but you should have mus- 
tered all your power and resisted this one. 
You're going to get caught— you know that, 
don't you?—and your wife won't buy the 
lame "she's been lonely since your dad died" 
excuse. Instead, she may leave you alone 
with her mother. Is that what you really 
want? (Is that what апу man really wants?) 
If you're smart, you'll help your mother-in- 
law find another lover—maybe somebody 
from her bridge club? 


Hs it possible to rent a Harley-Davidson? 
Just a thought I've had.—C.V., Mem- 
phis, Tennessee 

There are places. Assuming you have а 
motorcycle endorsement on your license and 
can provide a $2000 security deposit on a 
major credit card, you're ready for the road. 
Rental fees start at $135 a day. Budget fran- 
chises in Daytona Beach, Miami, Boston, 
Cape Cod, Martha’s Vineyard and Fort 
Lauderdale handle hogs (phone 888-736- 
8133), as does Ironhorse (800-946-4743) 
in Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Clearwater 
and Los Angeles, and Eagle Rider (800- 
501-8687) in Los Angeles, San Francisco, 
Chicago and Orlando. 


From time to time, my girlfriend and I 
enjoy role-playing in bed. My favorite 


39 


PLAYBOY 


fantasy is to pretend she's a hooker, give 
her money and demand she do anything 
I want. The problem is that she keeps 
the money ($20 to $30, depending on 
the tip). Does this make her a prosti- 
tute?—T.G., La Crosse, Wisconsin 

She's not a prostitute unless she has other 
clients. You tip her? 


ast week my wife and I went camping 
for a few days in Yellowstone National 
Park. I wanted to make love, but she re- 
fused. She said that having sex in the 
woods might attract bears. Is that 
true?—T.Y., Boulder, Colorado 

Unless you're covered in honey or make 
love while frying bacon, you aren't putting 
yourself in danger. Professor Steve Herrero 
of the University of Calgary, who has docu- 
mented nearly 900 bear attacks over the past 
30 years, has found only a few where a cou- 
ple reported having sex before the bear 
showed up. "That's probably nothing more 
than chance," he says. He won't dismiss а 
connection completely—“a bear's sense of 
smell is as good or better than any blood- 
hound's"—but the chances you'll be attacked 
are almost nil to begin with if you observe the 
standard precaulions of backcountry camp- 
ing, such as keeping your food properly 
sealed and stored (most attacks occur when 
the animal is surprised by hikers). Dr. Her- 
rero has also recorded only three or four cas- 
es where a bear attacked a woman who hap- 
pened to be menstruating, another common 
but exaggerated fear. Bears can be as unpre- 
dictable as humans, however, so triple-bag 
fresh and used tampons and sanitary nap- 
kins, scented soaps and colognes. Then 
again, if you're carrying cologne into the 
woods, you don't belong there. 


I was invited to a potluck dinner at a 
friend's home and took my specialty, 
seafood casserole. After dinner, the host. 
suggested we play a game. Of the 15 
guests, four women and five men decid- 
ed to participate. The men first took 
each woman into the bedroom, then the 
women did the same with cach guy. 
"They were supposed to determine who 
"tasted" best. I was in shock, having nev- 
er been to an orgy or anything close and 
having had no idea my friend was a 
swinger. But everyone else seemed com- 
fortable (or at least less uncomfortable 
than me) and chatted and drank wine. 
As the game wore on, the laughter from 
the bedroom was replaced occasionally 
by moans of pleasure. I began to feel 
aroused. My friend said this game was 
one of his favorites, a great way to digest 
food and 100 percent fat-free. Have you 
ever heard of these taste-test parties?— 
Т.К., San Francisco, California 

Yes, but we took chili and were never in- 
vited back. 


МІ, girlfriend has herpes. She says that 
unless she has blisters, I don't need to 


40 worry about catching the virus. Is she 


right?—S.S., Albany, New York 

Your girlfriend needs to get with the pro- 
gram. After а study of blood samples, те- 
searchers estimated that 80 percent of people 
with herpes worldwide don't realize they 
have it. That's in part because the virus can 
be active without. producing lesions. One 
study of 110 women with. genital herpes 
found that most undetected outbreaks of the 
virus—known as asymptomatic shedding— 
occurred within a week of a visible outbreak. 
The women who had the most frequent le- 
sions were also more likely to have asympto- 
matic phases. The bottom line is that people 
with herpes should abstain from sex when 
they have symptoms and always use condoms 
when they don't. 


Ohi television, 1 occasionally hear а 
limerick that begins "There was an old 
man from Nantucket. " The verse is 
never completed (I assume because it's 
risqué). None of my friends knows the 
rest of it, but someone suggested I ask 
the Advisor. Can you finish the 
rhyme?—].J., Alexandria, Indiana 

The original of this famous limerick, 
which first appeared in the “Princeton 
Tiger” early in this century, unfolded this 
way: "There was an old man from Nantuch- 
et/ Who kept all his cash in a buchet/But his 
daughter, named Nan/Ran away wilh a 
man/And as for the bucket, Nantucket.” The 
bawdy variations you don't hear on TV con- 
clude with “fuck it” or “suck it," though 
we have encountered this version as well: 
“There once was a man from Nantucket/ 
Whose dick was so long he could suck it/He 
said, though quite crass/As he lubed up his 
ass/ Tue found а nice place I can tuck it^" 
Nantucket is the Port Authority of limer- 
icks—everyone passes through on their way 
to someplace else. We ended up recently in 
Leigh, home to one of our favorites: “There 
was a young plumber of Leigh/Who was 
plumbing a maid by the sea/Said the maid, 
“Cease your plumbing/I think someone's 
coming’/Said the plumber, still plumbing, 
"It's те?” 


would like to visit some pubs in Eng- 
land, but I’m not sure of the etiquette 
once I get inside. Can you provide any 
tips?—].M., Iowa City, Iowa 

« Most pub rules are unwritten, but you still 
have to know them. If you're with a group, 
buy your round sooner rather than later. 
There’s no шай staff, so you're responsible 
for retrieving the drinks. If you don't buy 
first, offer to get the second round when most 
pints have been drained to a quarter of their 
lives. Pay in cash. Say please. Order the 
Guinness first (it needs time to settle). You 
don’t have to tip the bartender, but you can 
buy him a drink. After he fills your order, 
ask, “And one for yourself?” He'll thank you 
апа add the cost to your bill. When planning 
your crawl, remember that English pubs 
close at 11 Р.М. (10:30 р.м. on Sundays), 
though you're allowed 20 minutes after the 
bell to finish your pint. If you're in the mood 


for conversation—which, besides refresh- 
ment, is the chief reason to visit a pub—don't 
thrust your hand out to the regulars. In- 
stead, make small talk and be unobtrusive. 
Its always a nice gesture to buy some 
drinks—“Can 1 get you another?" Finally, 
don't be rattled by the argumentative or ram- 
bling nature of the discussions; nothing 
should be taken too seriously in a pub. For 
more guidance, visit the Beer and Pubs UK 
site at wwu.blra.co.uk. 


A reader recently wrote the Advisor say- 
ing he had a fantasy about making love 
in gelatin. Rather than use a bathtub as 
you suggested, my husband and I set 
up an inflatable wading pool in the 
kitchen. We had lots of room (the oral 
sex couldn't have been better), and 
cleanup was a cinch. We just dragged 
everything into the backyard and hosed 
it down.—S.K., Dallas, Texas 
We're impressed. 


When 1 climax, I sometimes squirt a 
clear liquid. My husband and I separat- 
ed recently, and during that time, some 
bimbo told him I was peeing on him. 
Now we're trying to work things out, but. 
he refuses to bring me to orgasm. He 
won't listen to anything I say, but he de- 
vours your every word. Can you help?— 
E.A., Modesto, California 

Sure. 105 not pee. During arousal or or- 
gasm, some women release а clear, odorless 
fluid from their urethra. Lab analysis has 
shown it to be, in varying degrees, chemical- 
by distinct from urine. In many cases а 
woman who ejaculates does so only when her 
Graefenberg spot is stimulated —that's the 
spongy tissue that surrounds the urethra and 
lies beneath the upper шай of the vagin 
Some researchers believe that the fluid orig 
nates from the same tissue that becomes the 
prostate gland in men. Female ejaculation is 
accepted as a matter of course in some cul- 
tures. The Batoro of Uganda, for example, 
teach unmarried women the custom о] 
"hachapati," or “spraying the walls." It's al- 
so common in erotica—apparently men fan- 
cy the idea they can make a woman gush (or 
at least spurt). Your husband should consid- 
er himself lucky. 


All reasonable questions— from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette —uill be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes a sel[- 
addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Send all 
letters to the Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 
60611. Look for responses to our most fre- 
quenily asked questions on the World Wide 
Web at http:/hwwu.playboy.comifaq, or check 
ош the Aduisor’s latest book, “365 Ways to 
Improve Your Sex Life" (Plume), available 
in bookstores or by phoning 800-423-9494. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


DIRTY PICTURES, 
MORAL OUTRAGE AND 


THE NEW ABSEXUALITY 


why antiporn crusaders have sex on the brain 


see the headline PUBLIC FIGURE 

HAS BEST ORGASM OF HER LIFE, but 
fired surgeons general and anti- 
sodomy legislators can count on air- 
time. This has long been the case, but 
yesterday's popes and Comstocks 
have given way to a new parade of 
antisex torchbearers. Have you ever 
wondered what makes these people 
tick? Speculating about the psycholo- 
gy of the antiporn foes made me won- 
der what Jesse Helms, Andrea Dwor- 
kin, Catharine MacKinnon, Ed 
Meese, the local head of Citizens 
Against Pornography (and her coun- 
terparts across the country), a host of 
sex-negative televangelists and all of 
their followers have in common. 

‘They all think about sex a lot. But 
so do I—maybe more 
than they do. It’s my 
job. after all, and I 
freely confess that I've 
followed the path that 
most fascinates me. On 
both sides of this pro- 
sex-antisex fence, we 
are perhaps a little 
more obsessed with 
sexuality than are our 
neighbors. 

The loose coalition 
I'd identify as our side 
of that fence—anticen- 
sorship activists, sex- 
positive academics, sex 
radicals, producers of 
erotic material, gay ac- 
tivists and others who 
identify with sex-positive politics— 
displays a level of tolerance that the 
other side does not. Unlike the anti- 
gay, antiporn, anti-sex difference 
demagogues—most of them steeped 
in fundamentalist Christianity, the 
rest in fundamentalist feminism—we 
tend to believe that all kinds of con- 
sensual sex are potentially healthful 
and good. 

A difference in the quality of our 
focus and their focus on sex is pruri- 
ence—that ineffable variety of sex ob- 
session that they keep accusing us of 
trying to exploit. I began to think of 


N ex-negative news sells. We never 


By CAROL QUEEN 


specific examples: 

Susie Bright has said that the best 
jerk-off book she's ever read is the 
compiled evidence of the Meese 
Commission (printed, with delicious 
irony, at government expense). Гуе 
heard that the pornography report 
from the Nixon years is similarly 
spicy, but the Меезе panel was espe- 
cially focused on the most hard-to-ob- 
tain stuff, skewing its report (illustrat- 
ed, of course) toward the extra-kinky. 

When I heard the leader of my 
local Citizens Against Pornography 
group speak about the evils of porn, I 
was struck by one thing: For five full 
minutes, she recited a list of porno 
titles available at local convenience 
stores, getting very worked up about 
all the nasty words she had to say. 


Andrea Dworkin's impassioned 
rhetoric and writing arc salted with. 
enough pornographic imagery to re- 
mind her audience (many of whom 
haven't had the heinous exposure to 
pornography she's had) of exactly 
what she's excoriating. You will recall 
that she's the author who popular- 
ized a notion that the feminist move- 
ment is still trying to live down: that 
any penetration is rape. 

During a NOW conference in New 
York City, I met a woman who 
preaches on a soapbox in Times 
Square about pornography's evils 


and who, according to another an- 
tipornster, has the biggest collection 
of kinky tapes and mags in town. I 
guess she has to keep current. 

One internationally known anti- 
pornography lecturer is said to have a 
great collection of hard-to-find am- 
putee porn, for those who fetishize 
women and men who have lost а 
limb. Aside from the movies of notori- 
ous Seventies porn star Long Jean 
Silver, this stuff can't be found over 
the counter. I wonder how a nice la- 
dy like her got on all the right mail- 
ing lists? 

And just watch Helms give any 
speech in which he has to talk about 
sodomy. Racy stuff. 

The antigay material put out by the 
Oregon Citizens’ Alliance or any sim- 

ilar group (their care- 
fully concocted “no 
special rights” message 
notwithstanding) is on- 
ly a hobbyhorse for 
their obsession with fist- 
ing and feces, gerbils 
and pedophilia. 

What all these peo- 
ple have in common 
has nothing to do with 
political affiliation, 
though it can be used 
in the name of any sort 
of politics. Rather, 
these disparate an- 
tiporn, antisex activists 
unite in their relation- 
ship to sexuality. 

Indeed, it is only this 

sexual focus that unites the various 
antisex forces, for in other respects 
the politics of fundamentalists, femi- 
nists and homophobes are decided- 
ly dissimilar. I haven't seen MacKin- 
non or Dworkin going to bat for gay 
rights ordinances, but if one were on 
the ballot in their towns, I imagine 
they'd vote for it. And even though 
Helms is an ally in their quest to sani- 
tize the world, I'm not sure either of 
them would vote for him. No, the 
feminist antisex forces are not the 
ladies' auxiliary of the New Right, 
much as they sometimes seem. The 


4l 


right wing, after all, has cultivated а 
ladies’ auxiliary of its own and beds 
down with feminists only when it be- 
comes strategic. 

For all of them, sex (or a particular 
kind of sex, or sexual representation) 
is threatening, fear-provoking and 
utterly fascinating. Crusading against 
other people's sexual behaviors and 
images enables them to wallow in a 
safe form of sexual obsession. I be- 
lieve that this crusade becomes intrin- 
sic to the way they relate to sex, that 
their focus on awful, beyond-the-pale 
sexuality far overshadows the actual 
body-to-body sex in their own lives. I 
believe their voyeuristic, judgmental 
peeping on other forms of sex is, in 
fact, their sexual orientation. 

If this is an erotic orientation, we 
need a word for it. Everybody else's 
sexual orientation has a prefix or 
a name: hetero, homo, bi, sadist, 
masochist, fetishist, devotee (the 
name for those who like to watch am- 
putee porn). The list goes on. (To be 
precise, every other sexual orienta- 
tion probably doesn't have a name 
yet, despite the best word-combining 
efforts of people such as Dr. John 
Money, a sexologist who has been 
coining terms for two decades. In- 
evitably some silent or obscure sexu- 
alist will elude his grasp.) Until now 
no one has named these antisex en- 
thusiasts because their views have 
been regarded from a political, not a 
sexological, angle. But up close, their 
zeal is too often accompanied Ьу 
heavy breathing. 

My partner Robert, who is a doctor 
(and hence, like John Money, is privy 
to the arcane art of word combining), 
suggested the term absexual. Ab is a 
prefix meaning “away from." Cer- 
tainly that describes the antisexuals" 
relationship to sex: They hold the sex 
that fascinates them at arm's length. 
Too intrigued to turn away, they ease 
their guilt behind a smoke screen of 
judgment. 

This idea renders the phenomenon 
of the moral crusader easier for me 
to understand. Many people dislike 
pornography, for many reasons, or 
fecl uncomfortable with or intolerant 
of other people's sexual choices. But 
not all of these people devote their 
lives to the crusade. In fact, this gar- 
den-variety discomfort usually dissi- 
pates when the intolerant person gets 
a good, nonjudgmental sex educa- 
tion. Something must distinguish the 
people who go on the warpath from 
the ones who dor't. Perhaps it is this 
uncomfortable fascination, the fact 
that the crusaders can't drop their fo- 


cus. Couldn't it be a twist on the old 
theme of "recognize sexual feelings, 
find a way to pursue them"? How do 
homophobes get that way? How do 
absexuals? 

I suspect absexuals (among whom I 
include virulent homophobes) "got 
that way" through varying degrees 
of early trauma about sex, either 
through physical sex abuse, as Dwor- 
kin says she endured, or mental and 
emotional abuse, often religiously in- 
spired. Psychologists call it the "reac- 
tion formation": Sexual trauma of 
whatever sort makes the individual's 
relation to sexuality especially 
charged and complex. In 1935, an- 
thropologist Adolph Niemoeller dis- 
cussed a state called antifetishism: 
“The condition in which an object, 
person, part of a person, piece of 
wearing apparel, etc. acts upon a per- 
son beholding, touching, or in some 
way sensing it, in such a way to set up 


Measure Senator 
Helms’ dick with a 
plethysmograph 
when he rants 
about homosexual 
sadomasochists. 


in that person a more or less violent 
sexual disinclination or revulsion.” 
This is dlearly related to homophobia 
and, indeed, to what I call absexuali- 
ty. But I'm suggesting a new para- 
digm when I repackage these psych 
logical and anthropological ideas in 
terms of sexual orientation. 

This leads me to consider Dworkin 
and Helms not as Annie Sprinkle 
does when she calls them the greatest 
performance artists in the country 
but as people who have a divergent 
sexual orientation. Perhaps they can't 
help и. And this might unravel their 
peculiar passion from the politics in 
which they've cocooned themselves to 
justify their interest in porn and to 
gather support for their views. 

Do you suppose it would change 
their leadership abilities if their mi 
ions came to understand that their 
support had been enlisted not in a 
crusade but in a kink? 


Social learning theory can explain 
the genesis of an absexual: A sexually 
abused child grows up, looks for an 
explanation of what happened to him 
and lights upon pornography. A reli- 
giously abused child is rendered hys- 
terical over and ashamed of her own 
sexual feelings and ends up with an 
inordinate focus on other people's 
sins. A neat little package of a theory, 
eh? For years, male homosexuality 
was explained through reference to 
the men's mothers and childhood ex- 
periences. Looking to a deviant child- 
hood for an explanation of deviance 
is, in a way, what the social sciences 
are all about. 

If researchers insist on scrutinizing 
these divergent forms of sexuality, 
how about taking a look at absexuali- 
ty? Measure Dworkin's heart rate 
when she talks about porn. Measure 
Senator Helms’ dick with a plethys- 
mograph when he rants about homo- 
sexual sadomasochists. Slap a blood 
pressure cuff on the CAP lady when 
she rattles off her list of porno titles. 
Give them all Rorschach tests! Why do 
these poor souls show these particular 
sexual deviations? Can they be helped? 

I am recommending the study of 
absexuality not because it is a newly 
labeled kink but because, unlike 
many of the other kinks researchers 
have wasted precious lab time on, it is 
often engaged in nonconsensually. 
Think about the gay guys the men in 
the military are so concerned about: 
What should Joe Hetero do if a pass is 
made at him in the shower? Why, say 
“No thank you,” of course. (You guys 
do realize that’s how to deal with un- 
wanted sexual advances, don’t you?) 
But do Dworkin and MacKinnon or 
Meese and Helms give me the oppor- 
tunity to say no to their “advances” as 
they try to curtail my access to sexual- 
ly explicit materials? No, they do not. 
The crusading absexuals are funda- 
mentally nonconsensual, for their 
goal is to impose their standards of 
sexuality on the rest of society. Talk 
about recruiting. Have you ever seen 
an antiporn slide show or viewed an 
anti-gay rights video? Explicit sexual 
images are taken out of context to 
manipulate viewers into the level of 
titillated shock the absexuals them- 
selves feel, with never a mention that 
the viewer might not find them 
shocking at all. Prevailing cultural ab- 
sexuality is on their agenda, with no 
room for “live and let live.” 


Carol Queen is the author of “Real Live 
Nude Girl” (Cleis Press). 


N Bd WU 


Seek ҰК 


O N T 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


WASHINGTON, D.C—Researchers at the 
University of Pennsylvania tallied the 
number of vulgarities uttered on the floor 
of the House of Representatives since 


1985, and the speechmakers on Capitol 
Hill aren't winning any awards for civili- 
ty. During the 104th Congress—the first 
under Newt Gingrich—hell led the way 
with 355 mentions, followed by stupid 
(344) and damn or goddamn (100). Oth- 
ers included shit (3), bastard (8), crap 
(25), ass (33), whore (5), bozo (2), idiot 
(30), piss (5), bitch (33) and nitwit (2). 
The study found litile change in vulgarity 
from the previous Democratic Congress, 
with one exception: scum (23, up from 4). 
The word was used to describe drug deal- 
ers, communists, flag burners, vivisectors, 
ninjas, Sandinista supporters, death row 
inmates, pornographers, looters, skinheads 
and “Doonesbury.” 


GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA—The 
Greenville County Library has carried 
PLAYBOY for 37 years without incident, 
but now a conservative political strategist 
wants to cancel the subscription. After the 
strategist, who is a member of the library's 
board of directors, filed a complaint about. 
the mogazine, numerous residents offered 
to pay for the subscription and the cost of 
transferring issues to microfilm. One free 
speech Samaritan, a businessman active in 
both the ACLU and the National Organi- 


zation for Women, told a local paper, “I 
detest this type of censorship. If the right- 
wing extremists take PLAYBOY out of the li- 
brary, they will attempt to remove other 
books they don't agree with.” We couldn't 
have said it better. 


© POSTMARITAL SEN = 


THE VATICAN— The Pontifical Council 
on the Family reaffirmed that divorced 
Catholics must abstain from sex, even if 
they remarry. Since the church does not 
recognize divorce, sex that occurs outside 
the original marriage is tantamount to liv- 
ing in sin. 


WASHINGTON, D.C—The U.S. Supreme 
Court upheld a lower court ruling that a 
community college's sexual harassment 
policy violated the free speech rights of a 
professor. The case began five years earlier, 
after English prof Dean Cohen told his 
students at San Bernardino Valley College 
to read works by Gloria Steinem and Su- 
san Jacoby, and write an essay defining 
pornography. One student disliked the as- 
signment and stopped attending class. Not 
surprisingly, she flunked. She then com- 
plained that Cohen had sexually harassed 
her by creating an “intimidating, hostile or 
offensive learning environment.” When a 
faculty committee reprimanded the profes- 
507; he took his case to court. 


PICKLE LAKE, ONTARIO—The son of a 
Baptist minister quit the town hockey team 
because he felt squeamish changing in and 
out of his gear with the sole female player 
in the room. His father demanded that the 
town council force the woman to segregate 
herself. "I always wear long johns and 
have never taken my T-shirt off,” the exas- 
perated female player told a reporter. “I'm 
not an exhibitionist.” A team official sug- 
gested that the minister's son be the one to 
change elsewhere. 


VANCOUVER—The British Columbia 
Human Rights Council awarded a nanny 
$7500 in damages and lost wages after 
she was harassed by a teenage charge. The 
boy had peeped at her while she showered, 
hid under her bed naked and began mas- 


turbating when she discovered him. The 
nanny said the boys mother dismissed her 
complaints by saying her son was just fun- 
loving. The boys father told him to apolo- 
gize. The council found the parents liable 
for their son's behavior 


cur 


LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS —Governor 
Mike Huckabee refused to sign disaster-as- 
sistance legislation because he objected to 
its legal definition of tornadoes, floods and 
earthquakes as "acts of God.” Huckabee, a 
Baptist minister and Republican, said he 
doesn't believe that calamities such as those 
described in the bill could be the work of 
the Almighty. (Perhaps he should reread 
the Old Testament.) After much discussion, 
lawmakers agreed to change the wording 
to “natural causes.” One Democrat called 
the debate “the silliest thing Pue ever been 
through in my life.” 


THERMAL, CALIFORNIA—School district 
officials disqualified а high school student 
from a science fair because her project en- 
couraged safe sex. Concerned about teen 
pregnancies and AIDS, Shari Lo scientif- 
ically tested the strength and endurance of 


six brands of condoms. Unfortunately for 
Lo, the school district's sex education poli- 
су preaches abstinence. The school board 
later claimed Lo’s project might have con- 
fused younger students. It also might have 
saved their lives. 


43 


44 


HOLY JUDGES 

David Barringer's es- 
say "Holier Than Law" 
(The Playboy Forum, May) 
leaves much to be de- 
sired in terms of accura- 
cy. In his haste to con- 
demn Judge Thomas 
Quirk for allowing indi- 
viduals convicted of 
DWI and other crimes to 
attend the church of 
their choice once a week 
for a year rather than 
pay a fine or go to jail, 
Barringer leaves out 
alot. 

First, he neglects to 
mention that anyone 
who objected to the al- 
ternative sentence of 
church attendance was allowed 
to perform community service 
instead. 

Second, his statement that a 
federal court had already held 
the church sentences to violate 
the establishment clause is 
wrong. To the contrary, there 
are numerous federal and state 
court decisions indicating that 
such practices are constitution- 
al so long as they do not favor 
one set of religious beliefs over 
others. 

"Third, while the essay men- 
tions that Judge Quirk was 
sued in federal court over his 
church practices, it curiously 
fails to disclose that the suit was 
voluntarily withdrawn when 
the plaintiff's ACLU lawyer was 
threatened by Quirk's attorney 
with sanctions for frivolous 
litigation. 

Fourth, Barringer doesn't mention 
that not one of the more than 1500 al- 
ternative church sentences has ever 
been overturned by the Louisiana 
Third Circuit Court of Appeals. 

Notwithstanding Barringer's efforts 
to portray Quirk as a religious zealot, 
the truth is that he does not say prayers 
in the courtroom and does not attempt 
to proselytize those who appear before 
him. As his attorney, I can attest that he 
conducts his business consistent with 
the highest standards of the American 
Judiciary. 

Remarkably, Barringer never con- 
tacted Quirk or me before rushing to 
his judgment. He obviously never 


FOR THE RECORD 


PYRAMID SCHEME 


Hey, Jesse Helms, have you heard the news? 

Art is actually good for youl 

Hey, Jesse Helms, what's that you say? 

Artists are all freaks, and they're all gay! 

Hey, Jesse Helms, let's make a plan; 

We'll make the art, and we'll take a stand. 

Art is not just pleasing to the eye. 

It's radical; fanatical and can make you cry. 

Hey, Jesse Helms, you 

Censorship! Censorship! Kiss our asses! 

—BOSTON'S SCHOOL OF THE MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS! 
CHEERLEADERS PERFORMING AT AN ARTNOW RAL- 
LY IN WASHINGTON, D.C. THE SYNCOPATED COED 
SQUAD WAS INVITED AS PART OF ARTNOW'S EF- 
FORTS TO ADVOCATE FOR FEDERAL ARTS SUPPORT. 
THE SCHOOL, WHICH HAS NO SPORTS TEAMS, 1S 
HOLDING OUT FOR A CALL FROM Lelterman 


bothered to read any law, either. It 
seems ironic that Barringer can bash 
others for alleged First Amendment vi- 
olations while breaching his own First 
Amendment responsibilities to be a fair 
and accurate journalist. 

Contrary to Barringer's assertions, 
the First Amendment does not prohib- 
it religious ideas in the law. It merely 
prohibits the government from estab- 
lishing ап American version of the 
Church of England. If Barringer's view 
of the First Amendment were correct, 
we could not print "In God We Trust” 
on our currency, require witnesses to 
swear to tell the truth "so help me 
God," sing religious hymns as part of 


‘each to all the masses. 


school choral programs, 
have religious displays 
at courthouses and oth- 
er public buildings or 
require defendants sen- 
tenced for DWI to com- 
plete Alcoholics Anony- 
mous programs (which 
require belief in God for 
recovery). Yet all of these 
things have passed consti- 
tutional muster in recent 
years. 

"The 17th century meta- 
phor of a “wall of sepa- 
ration between church 
and state” is overly sim- 
plistic and misses the 
point. Perhaps Barringer 
would do better to con- 
centrate on maintaining 

а wall of separation between fact 
and fiction. 

1. Michael Veron 

Lake Charles, Louisiana 
Barringer responds: Veron's first 
point is simply wrong. None of the 
1500 defendants were offered com- 
munity service as an alternative to 
church sentences. How do I know? 
I asked Judge Quirk. During a 
phone conversation on August 15, 
1996, Quirk put it this way: "They 
can pay the fine, go to jail or go to 
church. If you can't pay the fine 
and don'twant to go to church, then. 
you're going to go lo jail.” 
Even if Quirk has recently begun 
offering alternatives, so what? 
When judges attempt to influence 
hou, when, where and why people 
observe their faiths, then everyone 
who cares about freedom of religion. 
should cry foul. And everyone who 
cares about the integrity of their re- 
ligious beliefs should resist judicial efforts 
10 secularize religion as a civil sentence. 
Shame on those who try to equate hearing 
the word of one's God with picking up trash 
on a slate highway. 

As to Veron's second point, see the 1984 
"Slate vs. Morgan" case referenced in the 
article, in which the court held that “requir- 
ing a defendant to regularly attend an orga- 
nized church of his choice violates the estab- 
lishment clauses of the U.S. and Louisiana 
constitutions.” 

Veron’s statement about the ACLU suit is 
also wrong. The group dropped its suit after 
Quirk declared the plaintiff's sentence al- 
ready served. 

And as for none of the sentences being 


overturned, Quirk has avoided appellate те- 
view with some slippery moves. During our 
August 1996 phone conversation, Quirk 
said of the only other defendant to complain, 
"I changed his sentence from attendance at 
church to the normal sentence, and therefore 
he lost on appeal.” 

Nothing else Veron has to say is worth re- 
sponding to, except that I might correct his 
misunderstanding of the place of religion in 
law and government. We take oaths to God, 
recognize Christmas as a national holiday 
and even allow Congress to open sessions 
with prayer because we rationalize these 
practices as being more secular than spiritu- 
al. It is а mistake, and should be a mistake, 
for judges io influence the terms of our 
‘faiths, or to apply the law of their God rather 
than the law of our land. 

Editor's note: The Judiciary Commission 
of Louisiana would seem to agree. In April, 
it found Quirk to be engaged in misconduct 
in connection with his church sentencing. 
The commission also recommended discipli- 
nary action against Quirk on the grounds 
that he, without authorization, named Veron 
(his personal legal counsel) as special coun- 
sel to the city in an attempt to have a sen- 
tencing appeal dismissed. The Louisiana 
Supreme Court will hand down its ruling 
this foll. 


CHATTER MATTERS 

Something about the statistics in 
"Sinfotainment" (“For the Record," 
The Playboy Forum, May) galls me. Jerry 
Springer, a show that is largely tooth- 
less, is rated 90 percent indecent, yet 
Jenny Jones, a show that is responsible 
for the murder of one man and the tri- 
aland conviction of his assailant, is rat- 
ed only 72 percent indecent or harm- 
ful. Geraldo, the show that has done 
more harm than all the others com- 
bined, isn't even mentioned. What was 
the Morality in Media group thinking? 
Ronald Serafin 

Houston, Texas 


FOURTH AMENDMENT 

What a fallacious comparison Clete 
Davis makes between drug search and 
seizure abuses and the supposed indig- 
nities gun owners endure ("Kids and 
War," Reader Response, May)! Current 
firearm laws provide only a check to 
keep weapons out of hands that no 
longer deserve that right. In fact, I 
think it's safe to say that such laws are 
not being enforced to the same degree 
as drug scarches when former mental 
patients can purchase a gun within 24 


hours of applying. Millions of guns are 
legally owned (if not legally used), yet a 
million people can go to jail for buying 
a joint or two because of our govern- 
ment's refusal to legalize marijuana. 
Does that sound like a legitimate com- 
parison? Not even close! 

Tim Braman 

Rockford, Illinois 


GETTING NAKED 
The flurry of college sex surveys of 
late indicates that coeds are experi- 
menting with and loving one another 

in many time-honored ways. 
According to the Providence Phoenix 
newspaper, the latest fad at Providence 
College is handcuff parties, where men 
and women pair up randomly and re- 
main cuffed together for the rest of 
the night (including potty breaks). But 
Providence has nothing on Brown 


University's undergraduates, who have 
cornered the market when it comes to a 
radical baring of their souls. The Phoe- 
nix reports that Brown students now 
host "naked parties," called such be- 
cause guests show up prepared to un- 
dress. Body painting and massage lines 
break the ice, and the parties rarely get 
out of hand, participants claim, be- 
cause "people make a greater effort to 
maintain eye contact." And I just got 
the hang of cocktail chatter. 

Lyle Martin 

Providence, Rhode Island 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime phone number. Fax number: 212- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com 
(please include your city and state). 


tudents at Michigan's Coloma High School have as much 

school spirit as the next guy, but even they could not defend 

| their mascot. The fierce comet blazing through the competition looks, 
the students say, more like a sperm. Recurring complaints prompted 
students and teachers to put out a call for a tougher-looking galactic 
phenomenon. A new design will be approved by the school board. 


45 


46 


yet another fond review of whiners, 


gripers and finger-pointers 


By CHIP ROWE 


T he blameless just won't take the hint. Since we last conducted this exer- 
cise, in September 1995, the number of people shirking responsibility 


seems to have grown exponentially. It's gotten so bad, some pundits have al- 
ready written off the Nineties as the Not Me decade. In Washington, D.C. a co- 
caine kingpin made the case that "adults got to be responsible. Everybody just 
lookin’ for someone to blame" while arguing that his customers were solely re- 
sponsible for the city's drug epidemic. In Manhattan a man who had been par- 
alyzed in high school when he dove over a half-raised volleyball net during 
team practice saw his $15 million jury award overturned. "I accept part of the 
blame," said the Former student. "But what about the responsibility of the 
teacher and school?” In Kansas City, Missouri a gun dealer who put more than 
1300 illegal weapons on the street over a two-year period accepted some blame 
but put the rest of the burden on the ATF "for letting me go on as long as they 
did." And in Calgary, Scott Byron Morrison finally accepted partial responsi- 
bility for blowing his wife's head off with a sawed-off shotgun (he apologized to 
her family in court by saying, “Sorry, guys”). The rest of the blame he put on a 
psychiatrist who had met him for the first time days before the murder and 
should have known he would follow through on threats to kill his wife. Morri- 
son sued the doctor and the hospital for $500,000. 


THE BLAMELESS 
Timothy Carr 
Melissa Burgeson, Carr’s female companion 
Wesley Shaffer 

Charles Shapiro 

Hong Kong security guard 

Jeremy Dean 

Jeremy Libby 

Bobby Dwayne Robinson 

Jerry Merich 

‘Andrew Daniels 

Jamie Brooks 

Christopher Conley 

Brigadier General Rolando Espejo 
Dale Larson 

Alex Anzaldua 

Loresa Goodly 

Steve and Paula Gray 

Troy Granger 

Thomas Passmore 

Jeannine Pelletier 

David Earl Dempsey 

Marshall Redman 

Pitney Bowes worker 

Alexander Nagy Jr. 


Bill Clinton 


ПИ гого м 7 
en (27 c» SRD SD 


Cut teenager’s throat and stole his car Vicious killer 


Police recorded her discussing the murder 
in backseat of squad car 


Of all places... 


His female companian, who cast а 
spell an him 


Palice, who violated her right to privacy 


Arrested for burglarizing home, at night, Predatar 


while armed 


Rich developer pleads guilty to hiring hit mon 
to kill elderly cousin 


Sexually assaulted son's 20-yecr-ald girlfriend 


Nauseating, but ot least he takes 
the blame, right? 


Go back to bed, pops 


Stuck head out car window to vomit as driver Dumb luck 


jumped curb and sideswiped tree; disabled 


"Sugar psychosis." Diabetic ate cotton 
candy befare crime 


Tums. Pleaded guilty only because over- 
dose of antacids skewed his judgment 


1962 auto accident, which caused long- 
term "postconcussional disorder” 


The county, for letting tree “protrude into 
roadway.” Sue for $700,000 


Broke neck “crowd surfing" at music festival; Mare dumb luck 
paralyzed 

Killed wife with a shot to the stomach and five 
to the back 


Ruthless coward 


The state, the town, the promoters, the 
security guards and the band onstage 


Humanitarianism: The first shot was acci- 
dental and the rest to end her suffering 


Injured shoulder accepting high-five greeting | Cut down on the caffeine, fellos 


from enthusiastic coffee shop employee 
Bit into a peanut M&M, but there was no Life can be sa unfair 


peanut! Injured lip. 


Starbucks Corp. 


M&N/Mars Co. and Family Dollar Stores, 
for "defective merchondise" 


Became pregnant while imprisoned before her | Take a life, give a life 


murder trial 


Teenager caught two teeth on basketball net 
while dunking 


Sign him up! 


Jail officials, who should have prevented 
inmate from fucking her through bars 


Maker of net. Setile for $50,000 


The 4500 weapons stolen from Filipino 
armories 


After 13 drinks, caught golf spikes on brick path | Lift those toes 
and fell on face 


Who's watching the door? 


Tripped over dog in friend's kitchen Is the dog OK? 


Broke three ribs after woman receiving the Holy Spirit's fault 

Holy Spirit fell on her ct tent revival 

Six-year-ald daughter burned by a hot Watch out for that dripping cheese! 
enchilada 


Sexually assaulted four-year-old girl who Sleep with the fishes, Troy 
apparently climbed into bed with him 


Cut off hand in religious fit, then refused to let Hey, it’s a free country 
doctors reattach it 

Her golf sho! ricocheted off an obstacle and Fore... head! 

hit her in the face 


Injured when bedsheet came untied cs he tried | Could have been worse 
1o hang himself in jail 


Termites, which the general says ate 
inventory records 


The golf course, for not having smoother 
path. Verdict: $41,540 


Friend, who should have warned Alex to 
walk “at his own risk.” Sue for $25,000 


The church, which should have had more 
ushers 


Taco Casa—sve. Perplexed awner: “If you 
get hot food on you, it’s going to burn” 
Sleepwalking. Granger says he has a 
history af sleep disorders (acquitted) 

The doctors, who Passmore says should 
have overruled him. Sue for $3.35 million 


The galf course. Verdict: $40,000 


county and state, for not preventing 
suicide try 


Accused of selling overpriced desert plots to 
2500 Latinas 

Allegedly taunted black colleague with 
“Ooga-booga, jungle-jungle” 


America—land of opportunists 


Racist moron 


Bad timing. Lawyer: “In another time, 
Marshall Redman might be a hero” 


Language barrier. French Canadian 
claims he was saying, "Bonjour, bonjour” 


After drinking, fell from moving galf cart Park it at the 19th 


and died 


Accepted questianable campaign donatians White House for sale? The system, which is “out of whack” 


The golf cart maker, for not providing seat 
belts and doors. Widow sues for $15 mil 


47 


48 


{һе supreme court gets one right 
By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


Walker Chandler is a libertarian—a 
quixotic "don't tread on me" lawyer 
who, when he decided to run for lieu- 
tenant governor of Georgia in 1994, 
ran into a slight obstacle. 

In 1990 state lawmakers in a frenzy 
of zero tolerance had passed a law re- 
quiring all candidates for state office 
to piss into a bottle to test for the 
presence of illicit drugs. 

Chandler took the test, under 
protest, and passed with splashing 
color. But guilt or innocence was ir- 
relevant. Having a respect for the Bill 
of Rights more finely tuned than that 
of some Georgians, Chandler filed 
suit. The drug test was an unreason- 
able search, as defined by the Fourth 
Amendment and common sense. 

Georgia, Chandler pointed out, did 
not test candidates for characteristics 
that might affect the quality of their 
judgment: "Things like intelligence. 
Or ethics. Or for the main addiction 
in political society—power." 

And there was a First Amendment 
issue. "The legislature is saying that 
those who don't bow down and wor- 
ship the war on drugs can't run for 
state office. If they say that those who 
will be driving the ship of state must 
be tested (without suspicion), why not 
test people driving cars down the 
highways? Are we a flock of sheep. 
that can be tested by the government 
at will?” 

The Fourth Amendment is specif- 
ic, the most visceral of the Bill of 
Rights. "The right of tbe people 
to be secure in their persons, 
houses, papers and effects 
against unreasonable search- 
es and seizures," it says, 

"shall not be violated." The БЕ 
founding fathers and several ч 
generations of Supreme 

Court decisions have held 

that before the state can act, 

before it can throw you 

against a squad car, pry into 

your pockets, break down 

your front door or demand to 

look at the contents of your 
suitcase, it must have grounds 

for individual suspicion of wrong- 
doing. One does not have to be a lib- 
ertarian to appreciate this right, but 


evidently it helps. 

Chandler lost the election but not 
his spirit. He rattled off in the family 
car to argue his case before the 
Supreme Court, muttering to The 
New York Times about the hypocrisy of 
“We, the alcohol-swilling majority,” 
passing laws about drug use. He was 
optimistic, noting that fellow Geor- 
gian Clarence Thomas believed in the 
natural rights of man, including “pri- 
vacy and the right to self-medicate.” 

То the surprise of almost everyone, 
the Supreme Court agreed to hear 
Chandler's case. The justices tossed 
out a firestorm of hypotheticals at the 
oral arguments: Could the state re- 
quire candidates to get a physical ex- 
amination? Would that be a search? 
Could the state require candidates to 
agree to submit to searches of their 
homes for illegal drugs? Why is open- 
ing the home more intrusive than 
opening the body? 

And, they asked, what was the 
point of the law? Did Georgia have a 
problem with drug-crazed legisla- 
tors? Would a urine test catch a po- 
tential wacko? Justice Stephen Breyer 
mused that even the "greatest drug- 
gie in the world could be drug-free 
for one day." Was the point of the law. 
to keep from office those who can't 
stay off drugs for the 22 to 30 days it 


g 


takes to pass a urinalysis? It was hard 
to tell from these questions where the 
court was headed. After all, these jus- 
tices had almost completely rewritten 
the Fourth Amendment in the past 
decade. 

Led by Chief Justice William Rehn- 
quist, the justices have deputized the 
private sector, encouraging employ- 
ers to demand drug tests as a condi- 
tion of employment. Under his lead- 
ership, the court has turned public 
schools into holding pens. In June 
1995 a majority of the justices decid- 
ed that school athletes had to piss in- 
to the bottle—because they were role 
models, because they were used to 
nudity and invasion of their bodily 
processes (having showered together) 
and because drug use posed a safety 
threat to other athletes. The same jus- 
tices decreed that railroad engineers, 
pilots, firefighters and police had to 
submit to random drug tests, because 
what they do in their spare time may 
affect public safety. 

On April 15 the Supreme Court 
overturned the Georgia law. Politi- 
cians, it seems, do not perform high- 
risk, safety-sensitive tasks, nor are 
they directly involved in drug inter- 
diction. God knows that they aren't 
role models. 

"Where the risk to public safety is 
real and substantial," wrote Supreme 
Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 

"mandatory testing may be reason- 
able. But where, as in this case, 
public safety is not genuinely 
jeopardized, the Fourth 
Amendment precludes suspi- 
cionless search, no matter 

how conveniently arranged. 

"The Fourth Amend- 

ment," Justice Ginsburg 
said, "shields society from 
state action that diminishes 
personal privacy for a sym- 
bol's sake." 

The entire war on drugs 
has been waged for a sym- 
bol's sake. 

It seems like a small victory 

for the Fourth Amendment. 

Now, if the Court would only 

grant the people the same tolerance 
it provides political candidates. 


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ws BILL MAHER 


a candid conversation with the brash host of "politically incorrect" about the lost art 


of speaking your mind, his woody problem and why he likes seinfeld, clinton and god 


It is two days after 39 bodies were discov- 
ered in San Diego, members of the Heaven's 
Gate cult who had committed suicide, believ- 
ing they were heading to a new plane of exis- 
tence via a UFO. Sitting at a desk in the Los 
Angeles office of his television show, "Politi- 
cally Incorrect," Bill Maher is wondering. 
aloud if it would be in bad taste 10 open 
tonight's show tn the character of a mad cult 
leader. 

“It would be?” he says. “I was hoping 
you'd think so.” 

A few hours later, Maher, dressed in а 
black silk suit, bounds onto the "PI" set, 
where he is framed by mock-ivy-covered 
Greek columns. Heavy metal music, played 
to stimulate the studio audience, fades out, 
and Maher grabs a microphone. 

"Greetings, empty vessels of earth," he be- 
gins. ^I am Re, brother of Do, husband of Ti, 
and, if 1 do say so myself, a drop of golden 
sun. In а few moments I'm going to ask you 
to mix a deadly cocktail of prune juice, Ha- 
ley's M-O and pharmaceutical crack. But 
don't worry, your bodies are just coniainers, 
though some of your containers are hotter 
than others, and you know who you are. 
Time is running out. The signs are all 
around us: comets in the sky, elderly ex-pres- 
idenis jumping out of planes. You must sur- 


“I don't know how political Howard Stern 
gets. Don Imus is more of a political com- 
mentator, and he's more thoughtful. He could 
do a show on television like Im doing if he 
weren't such a bitter, ugly motherfucker.” 


render all your earthly goods to me, or to 
Ron Goldman's dad, whoever gets there 
first.” Finally, cult leader Maher offers a 
pre-UFO-flight briefing. “And for God's 
sake,” he says, “don't call the flight atten- 
dant ‘stewardess.’” 

Another installment of “Politically Incor- 
rect” has begun 

If the Heaven’s Gate cult was getting the 
attention that night, 41-year-old Maher 
seems to be developing his own coterie of loy- 
al followers, a rapidly growing group of 
Americans who never miss the TV show he 
hosts each weeknight. Maher is earning 
higher and higher ratings in a tough time 
slot—his competition includes Jay Leno and 
David Letterman—and his is the talk show 
that generates the most buzz on college cam- 
puses, throughout Hollywood and, of course, 
on Capitol Hill. 

After his opening monolog, each night 
Maher ringleads the quirkiest guest list on 
television. One panel, for instance, features 
Deepak Chopra, Carrot Top, Nancy Friday 
and Naomi Judd, all trying to talk simulta- 
neously as the host tosses his quips and keeps 
the conversation from degenerating into 
chaos. Maher likens the show to a cocktail 
party. In а forum that borrows from "The 
McLaughlin Group” (and then massacres 


"I would be the first to say kids shouldn't do 
drugs. A kid shouldn'i drive, either. So should 
we lake away all the cars because kids could 
get hurt? Adults shouldn't rearrange their 
lives because of what kids might do.” 


it), the unlikely ensemble discusses topics 
ranging from marriage (Maher asks: “If 50 
percent of marriages fail, should the institu- 
tion be revised?") to reverse sexism on death 
row (“Why don't we kill chicks?"). 

The ensuing dialogues are great fodder 
for Maher’s barbed wit. During a discussion 
of the spate of shootings of rap siars, he com- 
mented, “It’s nice lo see for once a celebrity 
actually using the product he endorses.” In 
discussing sex offenders, he suggested lock- 
ing them up with nuclear weapons: “We 
should tie them up to anything liable to leak 
fluids.” When a guest said that women, if 
they were in charge, would create a hinder, 
gentler country, Maher responded: “Maybe, 
but that wasn't quite a Candy-Gram Janet 
Reno sent to David Koresh.” And in а con- 
versation about the racist judicial system: “A 
quarter of all black men are in jail, on parole 
or on a sitcom on Fox.” 

“Politically Incorrect” has been praised by 
“TV Guide” as “the best talk show on televi- 
sion.” Ralph Nader, a guest on the show, 
called Maher “a first-rate social satirist. 

Maher grew up in suburban River Vale, 
New Jersey, where he was, he once said, “an 
intense, serious, adult-like kid.” His father, a 
radio newscaster and later a news editor for 
NBC-TV, tried to instill an interest in 


PHOTOGRAPHY By MIZUNO 


“I'm supportive of politicians. We ask them 
to do the impossible. When they tell us the 
truth, we reject them. When they don't, we 
lambaste them for lying. That said, there are 
some real dumb bunnies in high places.” 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


politics in his son. Before Bill was a teenag- 
er, he kneu who he wanted to be when he 
grew up: Johnny Carson. 

Maher was a nerd throughout high school 
and only began to come out of his shell in his 
senior year. He went on to Cornell Universi- 
ty, where he graduated in 1978 with а de- 
gree in English. Soon after that he began 
performing regularly at New York City's 
comedy clubs and worked as master of cere- 
monies at the famed Catch a Rising Star. He 
got his first chance to be on his idol’s show in 
1982. During опе of his dozens of appear- 
ances on “The Tonight Show," Maher told 
what is reputed to be the first AIDS joke on 
television. Bemoaning the new medical dan- 
gers looming over the dating scene, he deliv- 
ered his punch line: "I just want to meet an 
old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.” Carson 
fell off his chair laughing. 

More appearances on “The Tonight 
Show,” and on “The Merv Griffin Show” 
and “Late Night With David Letterman,” 
led to acting jobs on TV shows and in such 
forgettable films as “D.C. Cab," “Ratboy,” 
“Pizza Man” and “Cannibal Women in the 
Avocado Jungle of Death.” In 1993 he 
pitched “Politically Incorrect” to executives 
of the Comedy Central cable channel, The 
show was a smash and has won four Cable 
Ace awards, three for best talk show and an- 
other for best entertainment host. In January 
1997 ABC hired Maher, and “PI” switched 
to its coveted post-“Nightline” time slal. 

Maher has written two books—“True Sto- 
ry: A Comedy Novel,” the tale of five strug- 
gling New York stand-ups making their way 
on the comedy circuit of the late Seventies, 
and “Does Anybody Have a Problem With 
That?” a collection of great moments from 
his show. He has also hosted comedy specials, 
including his annual critique of the presi- 
dent's State of the Union address. Maher's 
presiding at political events invariably adds 
spice to the evening. Atan annual dinner for 
broadcast correspondents in Washington, 
in March 1995, he said that D.C. 
yor Marion Barry (who had served a six- 
month jail term for cocaine possession) had 
“a plan to get drugs off the street—one gram 
at a time." At the same event, with Clinton 
in attendance, he uttered the word fuck with- 
in earshot of the president. 

Proud to be considered (by some) Ameri- 
ca’s premiere politically incorrect magazine, 
PLAYBOY decided it was lime to sit down with 
Maher for an interview. Contributing Edi- 
lor Dovid Sheff was tapped for the assign- 
ment. Here's his report: 

“Each night, Maher greets the studio au- 
dience before the show and offers to answer 
any questions. On the nights I visited, the 
questions and answers included these: Ts the 
show rehearsed?’ ‘It’s not that good.” Are you 
single?’ (There were whoops and hollers.) 
‘Single and a flaming heterosexual." "How 
do you choose guests?” А boule of Jack 
Daniel's.” ‘Why don't you have more women 
on the show?’ ‘Chicks just aren't up to it." 
"What's the biggest change since coming to 
network television from cable?” “Money. 
Money. Big money.’ He also makes cracks 


гуз major and minor headlines, 
noting that Porsche had begun a marketing: 
campaign aimed at five-year-old boys. "It's 
true,’ he said. ‘Sure, they don't have the 
money yet, but they do have little penises.” 
"The interview was to begin al a restau- 
rant near the studio. As Maher drove there 
in his Jag, he chatted about the days neus. 
Noting that the Communications Decency 
Act was being reviewed by the U.S. Supreme 
Court, he said, What I want to know is, who 
is going lo do the censoring? 1 hope it's 
Clarence Thomas.’ Citing new scientific evi- 
dence which suggests that women 40 and. 
older should have annual mammograms, 
Maher warned, ‘But women should know that 
the exams involve X rays, not Polaroids.” 


PLAYBOY: You've described your show asa 
cocktail party. Do you really know any- 
one who has cocktail parties with such 
disparate guests as Jimmy Breslin, Dr. 
Joyce Brothers, Martin Mull, Ted Nu- 
gent, Sarah Jessica Parker, John Waters 
and Senator Arlen Specter? 

MAHER: I do. You should come to my 
house. It’s so like the parties I have that 
it's frightening. 


It’s sort of like the 
court of William XIV, and 
Fm a peasant who has a 
TV show. They think, Off 
with his head. 


PLAYBOY: Politicians are frequent guests. 
Has your opinion of them changed since 
you've gotten to know them? 

MAHER: It's not that 1 ever thought they 
were that smart, but I have been amazed 
at how dumb some are. 1 won't name 
names, but it's frightening. In general, 
I'm supportive of politicians. We ask 
them to do the impossible, because we 
speak out of both sides of our mouths. 
When they tell us the truth, we reject 
them. When they don't, we lam- 
baste them for lying. That said, I still 
think there are some real dumb bunnies 
in high places. 

PLAYBOY: Are you saying we get what we 
deserve? 

MAHER: Getting elected has nothing to do 
with how smart you are. It's how you 
look, how you're packaged and how 
much you pander. The truth is, Ameri- 
cans are suspicious of intelligence. It's 
something you have to play down. 
George Bush, who is a Yale graduate, 
used to pretend he was a Texan who 
liked pork rinds, trying to dumb himself 
down. Clinton was a Rhodes scholar but 
hasa homespun, good old boy, Southern 
way about him that makes people think 


he's not an egghead, though he is 
PLAYBOY: Have you invited him or the 
vice president to appear on your show? 
MAHER: If they want to come, all they 
have to do is call. I doubt if anyone that 
high up in the government would show 
up. We have had Cabinet members, 
though, and senators and congressmen. 
It's not that I wouldn't like to have the 
president. Га love to. Or Bob Dole, 
Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Jesse Jackson, 
Newt Gingrich, Colin Powell—any of the. 
big guys. We also would like to get almost 
any big-box-office movie star. We've had 
Alec Baldwin, a hot, hunky movie star, 
but I'd love to get Mel Gibson, Sylvester 
Stallone, Tom Cruise. It's not just be- 
cause they're big stars; I think they 
would be interesting guests. We beg them 
to come on. І see movie stars out on the 
town all the time who tell me they love 
the show. I met Jack Nicholson the other 
ht. Га never met him before, always 
been a huge fan. He said, "Just for the ti- 
tle, I love you." I said, *If you ever need 
to vent your spleen, I hope you'll keep. 
us in mind." I meet these big stars and 
then blow it by becoming a real estate 
agent: *Here's my card. If you need а 
place to have an opinion, please think of 
us here at Politically Incorrect, Inc." 
PLAYBOY: Are some stars and politicians 
intimidated by your format, which asks 
people to be spontaneously intelligent 
and funny? 

MAHER: Maybe they are, but they 
shouldn't be. It's not a quiz show. 
PLAYBOY: But there must be pressure not 
to look like an idiot next to the other 
guests, who are often funny comedians. 
MAHER: It's not like I book three other 
comedians loaded for bear and you're 
the one with your dick in your hand. 
You're on with an author and a musician 
and a pundit—people who aren't even 
going to try to be funny or clever. We just 
want people to be passionate over the is- 
sues they care about. And we want bal- 
ance. It's harder to get conservatives, 
particularly in show business. Ninety 
percent of show-business people are nut- 
ty liberals. We'd like to have Charlton 
Heston, Pat Boone, Tom Selleck, Bruce 
Willis, but they won't come on. Here's a 
forum, but they bitch about a so-called 
"white list” in Hollywood, a nonexistent 
list of conservative performers who аге 
avoided like the plague. I don't think it's 
true that conservatives have a harder 
time getting work. If you make money, 
the studio heads don't really care—you 
could be a go-go dancer for Hitler and 
they wouldn't give a damn. 

PLAYBOY: Who are some of your favorite 
conservatives who have appeared on 
the show? 

MAHER: Gordon Liddy was great. Funny, 
strident, passionate. He was on with. 
Harvey Fierstein, Marion Barry and 
Congressman James Traficant. Harvey 
noted that he was the only one who had 
not been indicted or gone to jail. The 


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strangest outcome of that show was that 
Liddy and Barry became good friends. 
They had spent time in the same jail, so 
there was a lot to talk about. 

PLAYBOY: Why do politicians appear on 
your show? 

MAHER: Nowadays politicians have to 
prove that they are people. They didn't 
have to 20 years ago, but we live in an 
age of Clinton playing the sax and talk- 
ing about his underwear on TV. 
PLAYBOY: Is that good or bad? 

MAHER: I don't think it’s good, but it's the 
way itis. They have to go where the peo- 
ple are watching. I don't think they real- 
ly want to do it, just like Clinton didn’t 
really want to have 8000 goddamn cof- 
fees with Indonesians to raise money. He 
had to. He needed the money. He didn’t 
want to have people in the Lincoln bed- 
room. None of them want to do this bull- 
shit, but it's the system. None of them 
want to campaign before an electorate 
that is largely apathetic and largely igno- 
rant. And so they have to ride a motor- 
cycle on Jay Leno's show. Otherwise, 
they're not going to reach people. 
PLAYBOY: Do you find it demeans the 
country? 

MAHER: Yes. But you have to put it in per- 
spective. It’s akin to the criticism I get. 
Sometimes folks will say, "You're trivial- 
izing the issues. In half an hour, you re- 
ally don't get much depth. Its all sound 
bites and one-liners.” 

PLAYBOY: Well? 

MAHER: Yeah, but the relevant compari- 
son for my show is not This Week With 
David Brinkley or The McLaughlin Group. 
It's Leno and Letterman; they're my 
competition. And their educational соп- 
tent is lower than mine. This is an enter- 
tainment show, so any depth we provide 
is gravy. They've got bands and movie 
stars. I'm trying to put out an alternative 
product. Start worrying if I get a band 
and if Charo makes an appearance. 
PLAYBOY: What do you have against 
Charo? 

MAHER: Actually, Га have Charo оп. I'd 
have anybody, because anybody in a 
democracy has the right to vote and 
therefore, theoretically, should have the 
right to an opinion. 

PLAYBOY: Aren't you guilty of confusing 
politics with entertainment? 

MAHER: You have to look at it in perspec- 
Чуе. There's nothing that's going to 
make people take part in this democracy 
one iota more than they want to, and 
they don't want to that much. My view is 
that anything you can use to get through 
to them is a small contribution. 

PLAYBOY: If that's true, then Howard 
Stern, Rush Limbaugh and Don Imus 
are helpful, too, since they talk politics. 
MAHER: | suppose Rush's audience is 
a politically attuned crowd. I've never 
heard him so I don't know, though Гуе 
heard he's a big fat idiot. I don’t listen to 
Stern either, so 1 don't know how politi- 
cal he gets. I've always thought of him as 


а man-in-the-street’s primal scream—a 
reactionary, which isn't the same as be- 
ing politically astute. Imus, on the other 
hand, is more of a political commentator, 
and he’s more thoughtful. He could, 
perhaps, do a show on television like I'm 
doing if he weren't such a bitter, ugly 
motherfucker. 

PLAYBOY: You're also cri 
ington-based journalists. 

МАНЕВ: Yeah. You can't appeal to every- 
body. In searching for a reason, I tend to 
think many people in Washington live in 
their own little world and like it that way. 
It's sort of like the court of William XIV, 
and Гт a peasant who has a TV show. 
They think, Off with his head. I invite 
them all on my show. Anyone who's not 
on my show won't 
come on. But their 
view of talking poli- 
tics is The McLaughlin 
Group or Inside Wash- 
ington. They all piss їп 
the same pot. They 
all have the same 
Beltway mentality, 
and І am on the out- 
side of the tent pi 
ing in, and they don't. 
like that. If I lived 
there and became 
part of the culture, it 
would be different. 
But then my show 
would suck. 

PLAYBOY: Which issues 
are people most sen- 
sitive about? Is it 
toughest to joke 
about women, sex 
or race? 

MAHER; The most sen- 
sitive area for televi- 
sion is drugs. The 
networks are scared 
shitless. 

PLAYBOY: Yet on your 
show, James Coburn 
recently boasted that 
he not only inhaled 
but also reinhaled. 
MAHER: And it made 
people nervous. In 
general, you can't imply that you had a 
good time on drugs, even if it was in 
your past. It's so silly, because drugs are 
like anything else in life. Fire can warm 
you or burn down your house. You need 
10 be careful and smart when you use 
matches. Same with drugs. 1 would be 
the first one to say that kids should not 
do drugs. A kid shouldn't drive a car, ei- 
ther. So should we take away all the cars 
because kids could use them and get 
hurt? Meanwhile, the drug war that 
we've been waging for God knows how 
many years is а miserable failure. Why 
do people keep using the same means if 
they're not working? You can't defeat the 
problem by going after the supply. As 


long as there's a demand, drugs will gct 


ized by Wash- 


mance on the road. 


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pusher. Blame the bartender. Blame the 
cartels. Blame Mexico. Of course, drug 
dealers are scum. But they dor't create 
the demand. 

PLAYBOY: Would you legalize drugs? 
MAHER: Yes, though I'd enforce honesty 
first. Ра make everyone be honest about 
the problem, so kids could receive, prob- 
ably for the first time in their lives, cred- 
ible information. They have nothing but. 
contempt for people who lecture them 
about drugs. They don't believe them. 
"They laugh. 

PLAYBOY: What would you say to kids 
about drugs? 

MAHER: First of all, if you're doing drugs 
in high school you're an idiot because 


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does it say about someone if they love 
the idea of being politically incorrect? 
MAHER: The truth is, almost everyone 
wants to think of himself as politically in- 
correct. Few people want to think of 
themselves as politically correct these 
days; it's like saying you're a square. I 
get invited all the time to perform at 
charity functions. They want Mr. Politi- 
cally Incorrect, but only in theory. I 
show up and there are a bunch of li; 
sine liberals who are hypersensitive 
about everything I say. They don't want 
what I do when I start doing what is re- 
ally politically incorrect. 

PLAYBOY: Such as? 

MAHER: I did a benefit for animals and 
told a joke that I thought was harmless. 
Some folks were try- 
ing to get pandas to 
mate in a zoo. I said, 
“They finally got the 
pandas to mate; all 
it took was for the 
male panda to get a 
Porsche." There were 
boos. Was it because I 
was making fun of 
pandas? А woman 
said it was a sexist re- 
mark which implied 
that women are not 
of sufficient moral 
character to resist a 
Porsche. I mean, 
come on. It was 
a joke. 

PLAYBOY: If everyone 
fancies himself politi- 
cally incorrect, who 
actually is? 


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MAHER: People who 
speak their minds, 
who are honest and 
don't pull any punch- 
es: Ray Bradbury, 
Roseanne, Willie 
Brown [mayor of San 
Francisco], Represen- 
tative Bob Dornan, 
Eartha Kitt, James 
Coburn, Ralph Nad- 
er, Camille Paglia and 


© 1997 СМІ 


you're at a time in life when you don't 
need to alter reality. You have enough 
trouble with reality, let's face it, and 
you're not up to it. But I would distin- 
guish between drugs. You lose credibility 
when you say all drugs are evil poison. 
Kids hear us say that marijuana is an evil 
poison and then they use it and think, 
Maybe I shouldn't do it, but you know 
what? It's not evil poison. Then when 
somebody says heroin is evil poison, 
which it is, or cocaine, kids don't believe 
it. The drug czars and the other people 
who make drug policy know little about. 
drugs. All drugs are not alike. Dishon- 
esty doesn't help. 

PLAYBOY: Jack Nicholson said he loved 
you just for the name of the show. What 


Senator Alan Simp- 
son. And the ones who break my heart 
because they won't do the show are 
Madonna, James Woods, Courtney 
Love, Barry Goldwater, Gibson, Stern, 
Senator Patrick Moynihan and Woody 
Harrelson. 

PLAYBOY: Does someone become politi- 
cally correct when he renounces his past 
politically incorrect comments? Gibson 
recently tried to make up with members 
of the gay community for slurs against. 
them. 

MAHER: I don't know what he said to be- 
gin with. We once had a contest, in some 
magazine, called, “Politically Incorrect. 
or Just Stupid?" A lot of times people 
confuse politically incorrect with just stu- 
pid because they hear me taking stands 


55 


PLAYBOY 


that are sort of outrageous. They think, I 
get it! All I have to do is be outrageous. If 
someone says something like, “Faggots 
are all dumb,” that’s just stupid. Defend- 
ing the Ku Klux Klan is not just political- 
ly incorrect, it’s stupid, too. It’s a distinc- 
tion that's missed more times than you 
would think. On the other hand, Camille 
Paglia says unpopular things like, “No 
doesn’t always mean no.” She is political- 
ly incorrect because it flies in the face 
of all that monolithic, zero-tolerance 
nonthinking. It just happens to be fuck- 
ing true. 

PLAYBOY: That no doesn't always mean 
no? 

MAHER: Definitely, Anyone who has been 
with a girl knows it. It doesn't justify 
rape or anything to do with rape. But if 
no really meant no, no one would ever 
get laid, OK? No woman wants to give it 
up right away. A girl says no and an hour 
later maybe says not quite so emphatic a 
no. I've been on a fair number of dates 
during which the girl said no, that noth- 
ing was going to happen. Then some- 
thing happens. She just wanted me to 
know, "Look, I'm not easy,” and she 
wasn't, believe me. It was hard work, 
and it took all night, but at the end of the 
night — 

PLAYBOY: Whereas politically correct men 
give up at the first no. 

MAHER: Yeah. But now even women, in 
many cases, don't want that politically 
correct bullshit. They acknowledge that 
a lot of feminism sounded better at the 
meetings. Like that stuff about how they 
were going to pay for half of everything 
because they were equal. When it came 
right down to it, they didn't really want 
to give up our picking up the check. And 
that's OK. We never asked them to. We 
never staged a rally in Washington 
Square Park and chanted, “We are tired 
of paying for dinner." We always thought 
that it was fair, because chances are we 
really did have less-than-sincere inten- 
tions, so the least we could do, like in a 
poker game, was to put up the ante. It 
has nothing to do with the obvious fact 
that women should have equal rights un- 
der the law and in the workplace and 
all that. 

PLAYBOY: Is your view of sexual harass- 
ment politically incorrect? 

MAHER: No, but Ray Bradbury's is. On 
the show he said, "Who among us hasn't 
pinched a woman's butt?" I raised my 
hand because I never have—1 mean, not 
someone I didn't know. That is, Гуе on- 
ly done it when I knew it would be ap- 
preciated. Older people can be political- 
ly incorrect because they're honest and 
people can forgive them. It's charming 
from an old man. Bradbury also said, 
“Yeah, I sexually harassed my wife until 
she married me.” 

PLAYBOY: Do you think this is an issue 
that has gone too far? 

MAHER: No. I think it hasn't gone far 


56 enough. Women really are sexually ha- 


rassed. It's at a preposterously high level 
in this country. There just are an enor- 
mous number of schmucks who take ad- 
vantage of women. I hear the stories 
from my zillion women friends. 
PLAYBOY: Does knowing this make you 
more cautious? 

MAHER: Yeah, and we all have to be care- 
ful. I don't know of one executive in this 
town who will hire a female assistant. 
That's the corrupt side of it: Women 
have claimed that men have done things 
they haven't done, and men are afraid. 
But a lot of the men brought it on them- 
selves because they got away with shit for 
years. And it's not fair for people like— 
well, I must say—me. 

PLAYBOY: You? 

MAHER: Me, who never, in all my years in 
show business, ever did anything, even 
when I could have. I was the emcee at 
nightclubs and could have had singers 
fuck me to get onstage, but I never once 
did. It's not even for a noble reason. I 
wouldn't want to be with somebody who 
didn't really want to be with me. I'd lose 
my hard-on in two seconds. 

PLAYBOY: How do you respond to femi- 
nists who claim the рі дувоү centerfold 
objectifies women? 

MAHER: It does, but get over it. Aren't 
there worse problems in the world? If we 
stopped it, what would change? Would 
men really be that different? Men like 
what they like about women, and women 
don't like that we have these tastes. What 
they want us to like in them is not always 
what we like in them, but it's such a pri- 
mal thing that you can't just stamp your 
foot and say, "Men should be this way." 
Maybe we'll evolve that way, but it's not 
going to happen tomorrow. Women al- 
ways ask us to be accepting of them, but 
they're not really that accepting of our 
nature. Men are pigs, but we're getting a 
little tired of apologizing for it. We didn't 
make ourselves this way. We would like 
to be more like women; it would be easi- 
er. It would be nice to not be horny all 
the time or have a problem staying 
monogamous. That would make life sim- 
pler and cut out a lot of bullshit, but I 
didn’t put the chip in my brain that 
makes me the way I ат. It has caused me 
a lot of pain in my life, but you don't 
blame a moth for eating your socks. 
PLAYBOY: You've done a number of shows 
about prostitution. The theme of one 
was, "A woman can legally rent her body 
out for nine months to have a baby as a 
surrogate mother, but she can't legally 
rent it out for 15 minutes just to get 
fucked." Should she be able to? 

MAHER: Of course! That's a no-brainer. 
And no law has ever stopped it. If Hugh 
Grant wants a blow job, whose business 
is that? The government's? The cops'? 
The man wants a blow job and someone 
is willing to give it to him for $60. I don't 
see the problem. 

PLAYBOY: What's your opinion of at- 
tempts to control sex on the Internet? 


MAHER: I don't like this tendency to 
childproof the world. If one kid falls out 
a window because of negligence, every- 
body has to put guards on their win- 
dows. Everyone. Everyone has to go out 
of their way because of parents who 
aren't doing what they should be do- 
ing—watching their kids. If computers 
are really that dangerous, allow your 
kids to turn on the computer only when 
you're around. If Mom is hovering near- 
by, I think it's less likely that Junior will 
be downloading pictures of Teri Hatch- 
er, though Dad still might be. 

PLAYBOY: What about when Mom and 
Dad aren't around? 

МАНЕР: Then the kid shouldr't have ac- 
cess to the computer. I don't think adults 
should have to constantly rearrange 
their lives because of what kids and stu- 
pid people might do. And by the way, 
I'm not that certain how damaging it is 
for kids to be exposed to sex. If a kid sees 
two people fucking, does it really screw 
him up? 

PLAYBOY: Are you pro-hard-core porn? 
MAHER: Here's what I said on a show 
about porn channels: They don't edu- 
cate, they don't enlighten and they don't 
come in clearly enough where I live. 
PLAYBOY: Do you know when your show 
is working and when it's not? 

MAHER: Yeah, but it doesn't get me down 
when it isn't. People seem to like the 
train wrecks. John Ehrlichman was on 
and said nothing. He was sphinxlike, so 
it was sort of like playing tennis with no 
one on the other side of the net. It was so 
bad it was good. 

PLAYBOY: Is it good when things get testy, 
such as when Chevy Chase and Steven 
Bochco nearly came to blows? 

MAHER: Ooh, yeah. That was a particu- 
larly nasty fight. It was about who was 
doing more for the great American view- 
ing audience, and it got personal. Chevy 
was attacking television, and Bochco 
seemed to take it personally. It was sort. 
of, "You're crap." *No, you're crap." 
PLAYBOY: When that happens, are you 
nervously thinking about how you can 
intercede? 

MAHER: Not really. The only time I'm not 
so happy with my guests, and I leave no 
doubt about it, is when they don’t take 
a stand, when they refuse to get into 
the fray. 

PLAYBOY: You didn't have that problem 
with Sandra Bernhard, who nearly 
strangled John Lofton, a preacher from 
the far right, then spit in his face. 
MAHER: Actually, he was making a point 
that Sandra misinterpreted. He said that 
women couldn't even speak in temple in 
ihe Orthodox Jewish tradition, but she 
thought it was a sexist remark and went 
nuts on him. 

PLAYBOY: Another classic show was with 
Kato Kaelin, of all people, who appeared 
with Garry Shandling. 

MAHER: Garry was just too funny with 
him. It was days after the Simpson 


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PLAYBOY 


criminal trial had ended, the first talk 
show Kato did. 1 couldn't have said the 
things to him that Garry said because 
Um the host, But first he said, “Why 
couldn't you have said on the stand that 
you knew it was 10:30 because you were 
watching The Larry Sanders Show?" 
Which was very funny. And then he said, 
"Knock, knock." Kato said, "Who's 
there?" Garry said, "Oh, you know." 
PLAYBOY: Do people like to see other peo- 
ple squirm? 

MAHER: Sure. At least it's real. At the 
same time, it can get to a point where 
they may not like it. I got a lot of mail 
about the show with Chasc and Bochco. 
Richard Lewis was on once and was out 
of his wits—really hostile, which is unlike 
him. People wrote and said they don't 
wantto see that. I certainly don't want to 
get to the point where chairsare thrown. 
PLAYBOY: What was Lewis hostile about? 
MAHER: We had on a conservative wom- 
an, who I could see him going after, but 
he also went after Robert Fulghum [who 
wrote All I Really Need to Know I Learned 
in Kindergarten]. 1 mean, who goes after 
the kindergarten guy? 

PLAYBOY: Do you always push your real 
opinion or do you play devil's advocate? 
MAHER: І will not say something I don't 
believe, but I care more about some is- 
sues than others. 1 have a dog in the 
fight of some issues. Other times, I'm 
just curious like everyone else. 

PLAYBOY: In what fight do you have 
a dog? 

MAHER: The one about the National En- 
dowment for the Arts, for example. I 
don't think we should have it. I see no 
justification for spending money on art, 
which doesn't depend on the govern- 
ment funding it. When that comes up, I 
will not squelch my opinion. But on 
many issues, I’m uncertain or I change. 
I'm very susceptible to the last thing I 
read. I'm often thankful I’m not a politi- 
cian who isn’t allowed to change his 
mind. If he does, he’s accused of waf- 
fling. I change my mind all the time. 
PLAYBOY: What is it about political cor- 
rectness that so irks you? 

MAHER: It’s the fact that the truth isn't 
important. It's hypersensitivity. Now, 
sensitivity is a wonderful thing, but it's 
not the only frigging virtue in society, es- 
pecially when it buries the truth. That’s 
why it’s pernicious. Whenever you bury 
the truth, it comes back to haunt you. It’s 
like telling a lie on the first date. Some- 
where down the line she’s going to find 
out it isn't a loaner, that the piece of shit 
you drive is really the only car you own. 
PLAYBOY: What are particularly onerous 
examples of political correctness? 
MAHER: There are so many. Cindy Craw- 
ford was on the show after she had been 
yanked from a Cadillac ad because it was 
too sexy. We ended up talking about 
Cadillacs and I said, “Why is it that peo- 
ple who buy Cadillacs are either coun- 


58 try-dub Republicans or black? What's up 


with that?” I said it and everyone froze, 
and these were pretty liberal, with-it 
people. But we're all trained. We don’t 
use the truth meter to determine our re- 
actions, we use the sensitivity meter. 1 
don’t think truth even comes in second. 
In this case, it's true, and it's a kind of 
strange thing to notice, yet you don’t 
dare say it in mixed company. Why not? 
PLAYBOY: Because it would encourage 
stereotypes. 

MAHER: Are we such a bunch of babies 
that we can't say what is true? Part of the 
problem is that we don't have big prob- 
lems. World War Two was a big problem. 
I can't see pcople in that era suing be- 
cause there weren't sufficient warnings 
on a ladder or on a Batman cape: "This 
cape does not enable user to fly" Back 
then, no one would have considered a. 
stupid lawsuit over a kid jumping off a 
building in a Batman cape. A suit like 
that would have been viewed as demean- 
ing. It would have been viewed as a 
scam. Now people sue over everything. 
Everyone sees himself as a victim, which 
takes away from people who are real vic- 
tims. I remember reading about the 
many "victims of silicone implants." I'm 
sorry for women who had a bad rit job. 
But is it the same thing as losing a leg 
fighting for your country? That's a vic- 
tim. If everybody's a victim then there 
are no true victims, and that's not right. 
Also, victimization becomes an excuse. 
In some cases, it may be. But we have to. 
distinguish or no one is responsible be- 
cause everyone is a victim. People cringe 
at jokes because they're so sensitive. And 
they are so strident. Nobody just wants 
to say they disagree; everyone wants an 
apology. I got a nasty letter today be- 
cause of something I said about Mother 
Teresa. She had just given up her mis- 
sion in Calcutta, finally, after 60 years, 
and the punch line was, "But she will re- 
tain control of prostitution and the num- 
bers rackets." That's preposterous, yet 
someone writes a letter: "How dare you! 
We demand an apology." 

PLAYBOY: But don't jokes reinforce ste- 
reotypes, whether against Poles, gays, 
Jews, blacks or any other group? 

MAHER: I think it is possible to generalize 
If you say, “Jews are good with money," 
oh! *What do you mean saying were 
good at something. How dare you!" 
Well, excuse me. 1 don’t understand how 
some stereotypes get started. I don't un- 
derstand why Polish people have a repu- 
tation of being stupid. I've never known 
Polish people to be stupider than any- 
body else. But a lot of times, stereotypes 
become stereotypes because they are 
true. Black people do have better senses 
of humor than white people. They are 
politically incorrect more than white 
people in the sense that they're not pro- 
tecting some false sensitivity. They're 
just more out with it, like 1 am. I think 
that's why they like me, and 1 think 
that’s why I have a lot of black friends. 


Maybe white people have more to lose. I 
had a party last weekend and somebody 
said to me, “Boy, you have a lot of black 
friends," and I hadn't even noticed. 
When 1 was inviting people, I didn't no- 
tice who was black. 

PLAYBOY: Now you're saying some of 
your best friends are black. 

MAHER: They are! It’s some horrible 
thing to say, but it is true. Whar's offen- 
sive to me are lies. They offend me, not 
truth. That's the problem with politically 
correct thinking. 175 not thinking. It is 
the elevation of sensitivity over truth. It 
is the unwillingness to judge, when we 
need to judge. Judging has become a re- 
al bogey word, like liberal did. Every- 
one's in that mode: 1 don't want to 
judge. Well, you know, without judging 
you have no standards. A wild, contro- 
versial show included Deepak Chopra, 
who argued with me vehemently about. 
Woody Allen. He was saying we 
shouldn't judge Allen. I'm not talking 
about the speculation regarding him, 
I'm talking about what's fact: that he se- 
duced the teenage sister of his own chil- 
dren. So I'm just asking: If not here, 
when do we judge? Where is the line? 
Up to murder? Do we judge anything? 
All these liberal Hollywood types who 
work with him said they wouldn't judge 
him. Makes you wonder. To do what he 
did to his family and to cut his girlfriend 
off from her family seems terribly selfish. 
1 mean, you're Woody Allen. You could 
date anybody. Look outside the living 
room, you know? Go to a bar. You'll 
meet somebody. You're famous. That's 
not a disco ball hanging in the kids' bed- 
room. On my show Fran Lebowitz was 
talking about Judge Lance Ito. She said, 
*He doesn't want to judge." I think that 
was true. I mean, if not him, who? No 
wonder you see it throughout society. 
PLAYBOY: What causes this tendency? 
MAHER: We don't have pressing prob- 
lems, so society gets softer and softer and 
gets away from what's important and of 
real value. It gets narcissistic and moral- 
ly bankrupt. 

PLAYBOY: You sound like a right-winger 
pining for the good old days when we 
were moral. 

MAHER: Listen, we do have a values crisis. 
I don't think you solve it the way Dan 
Quayle and Pat Buchanan want us to 
solve it. I don't know how to solve it. An- 
other war would solve it, or if we were 
invaded by Mars or something. Believe 
me, people would get an attitude adjust- 
ment. My mother told me that her gen- 
eration, before World War Two, was like 
slackers today. Then people got their 
shit together because they had to. Now. 
everyone is turned off and cynical, which 
is not completely their fault. They think, 
What's in it for me? What do 1 get? It's 
the kind of world we live in. Why should 
] read the paper? How does it affect my 
life? How does it help me? What do I get 
out of it? Nothing tangible, nothing 


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PLAYBOY 


immediate. They say, "I guess if 1 knew 
more, I could cast a more intelligent vote 
and maybe the politicians would do bet- 
ter by the causes that are important to 
me. But that seems like a lot of turns to 
make when I could be watching the 
Spice Channel.” 

PLAYBOY: Yet you seem too forgiving of 
the system that engenders that. Your 
comments about the Lincoln bedroom 
make it sound as if it’s appropriate just 
the way it is. 

MAHER: No, my point was, compared 
with other ways to make money, it's the 
best of the bad. To get elected president, 
you have to buy $100 million in TV ad- 
vertising, or some ridiculous number 
likethat, just to be in the game. You have 
to get that kind of money somehow. 
Bush recently said that he never used 
the White House to solicit campaign 
funds. He said he never made one single 
phone call or sat in one single meeting 
where money was asked for—which ex- 
plains why Clinton kicked his ass. As far 
as I'm concerned, you can get that mon- 
ey by promising someone in the tobacco 
industry that you'll say, "I don't know if 
cigarettes are addictive," or promising 
someone in the timber industry, "We 
will lay off the law that says you can't 
clear-cut more forests." But that seems 
more harmful than selling the Lincoln 
bedroom. 

PLAYBOY: Is Clinton corrupt? 

MAHER: Yes, though his form is better 
than some of the others’. It’s better form 
to bill tourists who want to stay at Planet. 
White House. It's taking advantage of 
this age of celebrity we live in. The pres- 
ident of the United States is the biggest 
star in the country. I mean, if Kevin 
Costner sold his bedroom, he could 
make money, too, but Bill Clinton is an 
even bigger star, and there's even more 
history in that room. 

PLAYBOY: Overall, how would you rate 
Clinton's presidency? 

MAHER: He's the right president for these 
times because he's full of shit and we're 
full of shit, which is not the most compli- 
mentary thing you could say. But it's 
true. 

PLAYBOY: Are you embarrassed that you 
said “fuck” in front of Clinton? 

MAHER: By mistake. I'm never going to 
live that one down. 

PLAYBOY: Did he laugh? 

MAHER: I don't know. I was in the middle 
of a joke, and 1 blew the wording and 
went, "Oh, fuck it." 

PLAYBOY: It has been reported that Clin- 
ton watches your show. 

MAHER: George Stephanopoulos said he 
does. Recently, when I saw Clinton at a 
performance at the Ford Theater, 1 рога 
bit of the evil eye. He just shook my 
hand and gave me a look like, “1 heard 
what you said the other night, you rat." 
Then I remembered why. Їп some 
speech, he had said, "We have to end the 


60 cynicism and hypocrisy in Washington," 


and my comment vas, "This is from a 
guy who has stabbed more people in the 
back than Joe Pesci." Of course, when 
you say things like that about the presi- 
dent, you can't be surprised when he 
gives you the evil eye. But on balance, 
I'm pretty supportive. 

PLAYBOY: Dick Morris has been on a few 
times. You once noted that Morris wrote 
abook, but you gave it the name Men Ате 
From Mars, Women Are From the Yellow 
Pages. 

MAHER: I did that at the performance at 
the Ford Theater, with Clinton in the au- 
dience. He loved that one. Clinton really 
thought that was funny. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think of Al Gore? 
MAHER: I like him in general. I didn't like 
his speech in Chicago last year when he 
railed against tobacco for killing his sis- 
ter. I thought it was one of the most 
naked political plays I'd ever heard. My 
tather died of cancer, but using that to 
get a laugh is unthinkable. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think Gore will be the 
next president? 

MAHER: I think Colin Powell will get into 
it and beat him. Powell has always been 
my favorite, because he's the one guy 
who has the authority not to pander. He 
could tell the truth. Ross Perot was a big 
hero until he said we should have a 50- 
cent tax on gasoline, which we absolute- 
ly should. We pay a third of what the rest 
of the world pays for gasoline, and yet if 
there's a four percent rise in the gas tax, 
people act like their lives are going to 
end. There are a dozen good reasons to 
have a big tax on gasoline, but I pity the 
poor fool who tells the people that. 
PLAYBOY: What's your take on the contro- 
versial welfare-reform bill? 

MAHER: I certainly am not for throwing 
poor people out onto the street. On the 
other hand, I have a skeptical view of 
human nature and tend to believe that if 
you allow someone not to work, in most 
cases they won't. The bill is probably 
harsh, and a lot of people will be hurt. 
who shouldn't be, but there's no way to 
deal with problems that affect millions of 
people without someone getting hurt. 
America cannot seem to face that idea. 
Ме want to go to war but with no casual- 
ties. How can we go to war if no one 
dies? We see a picture of one soldier with 
a Band-Aid on, and it's too much—pull 
out. But nothing is free in this world. 
PLAYBOY: How about abortion? 

MAHER: 1 happen to believe that life be- 
gins at birth. The argument is summed 
up in the word the other side chooses to 
use: unborn. They're protecting the un- 
born, but, hey: unborn. Not born. 
You're not around. Where does life 
begin? Maybe on a first date. Just think- 
ing about having sex? Yeah, sure, I want 
the government and preachers stepping 
in there. But you have to say that it starts 
somewhere. 

PLAYBOY: You side with the liberals on 
abortion but with the conservatives on 


the death penalty. 
MAHER: The death penalty is a deterrent 
only to the guy on death row. He is com- 
pletely deterred from killing again. But I 
also think there have to be some people 
who will think twice when they see 
flames jump out of a guy's head. In this 
country we pull the trigger only on 
heinous criminals. You've got to be a re- 
ally bad guy to get the death penalty. 
PLAYBOY: Doesn't it concern you that the 
majority of the people executed are 
black? 
MAHER: A problem like that should be 
addressed, but that is a completely dif- 
ferent issue from abolishing the death 
penalty. The truth is, I don't know what 
you're saving these killers from. Why is it 
so great to rot in jail your whole life? 
When a life has gone that wrong, start 
over. If you believe that there is a soul 
and something beyond, then whar's the 
tragedy in sending someone back into 
the reincarnation pool? Now, admitted- 
ly, that guy's going to have to go back a 
little further. He's going to come back as 
a cockroach or something. 
PLAYBOY: You don't really believe that, 
do you? 
MAHER: I believe there is a continuum of 
souls, yes. 
PLAYBOY: Do you believe in God? 
МАНЕР: 1 do. 1 also believe that because 
of the very nature of a supreme being, 1 
can't know what its nature is; I can't even 
imagine. If I were to get to the next lev- 
el, then maybe I would have a greater 
consciousness. But it's not like the next 
level is some good version of this—like a 
great lounge and all your friends are 
there. I've said, “It's a shame my father 
can't see me doing this show because he 
would have loved it so much." and peo- 
ple say, “Oh, he sees it.” I don't believe 
he does. I believe he's on a plane where 
a TV show would be so trivial. Why even 
bother having an afterlife if it’s the same 
bunch of shit? 
PLAYBOY: Somehow we expect cynics like 
you to be atheists. 
MAHER: I was at a dinner party at Alan 
Alda's house when he asked how many 
people there believed in God. I was the. 
only one who raised a hand. But if you 
go out into the country at large, not only 
do people believe in God, there's a huge 
number who also believe that the Bible is 
the word of God and that he is some sort 
of old man or something. There are 
things we don't and can't know, that we 
can't apply human reason to. 
PLAYBOY: Were your parents, a Jew and 
a Catholic, believers in their respective 
religions? 
maner: My father was very Irish Cath- 
ойс. His parents were mortified when he 
married a Jew. My mother was never a 
religious Jew, and I've never been in a 
temple in my life. 
PLAYBOY: Does that sort of background 
make for good comedy? 

(continued on page 159) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He's a man with a flair for romance. They met two weeks ago at a wine auction. Saturday it was 
a beach barbecue and tonight it's a cozy seaside restaurant, where he had a dozen long-stemmed 
roses sent to their corner table. PLAYBOY men like to treat women right. They spent more than 
$2 billion on flower purchases in the past six months, as much as readers of СО and Men's El 
Health combined. PLAYBOY—because you can't stem success. (Source: Fall 1996 MRI.) 61 


62 


HOUSTON, WE HAVE LANDED 


on MNFRS 


a fanatic band of hippie 
scientists has sold 
nasa on a manned mission 
to the red planet 


ARTICLE bU 
NARA BOWDEN 


ARS IS six months away. 

One hundred and 

cighty days. It's a jour- 

ney 1000 times more 
distant from earth than anyone 
has ever undertaken before. But 
we could fly there in less time 
than it took Christopher Colum- 
bus to make his first trip to the 
New World and back, in less time 
than it takes to finish a baseball 
season. 

Aboard rockets from earth 
launched into an elliptical orbit 
around the sun, at speeds 20 
times faster than the old lunar 
spacecraft, astronauts would ar- 
rive at the red planet more than a. 
week shy of Shannon Lucid's 
record stay on Mir. Once down, 
hunkered into spartan habitats 
like Antarctic explorers, equipped 
with tools, scientific equipment 
and a methane-powered rover, 
the crew would spend roughly a 
year and a half exploring a Mon- 
tana-sized patch of the frozen, 
dry, rust-colored planet, deter- 
mining (among other things) if 
life exists there, or ever has. With 
a six-month return trip, the en- 
tire mission would take two and a 
half years. That's still half a year 
less than it took Ferdinand Ma- 
gellan's expedition to sail around 
the world. 

The greatest voyage in history 
would cost about $40 billion over 
a decade, the cost of a medium- 
sized weapons system, or less than 


one tenth of what NASA said in 
1989 it would take to send some- 
one to Mars. 

All the plan needs now is a pa- 
tron. Mars needs its own Queen 
Isabella, King Charles or John F. 
Kennedy. 

The plan that will take man- 
kind to Mars wasn't worked out 
by bullet-headed backroom 
NASA engineers. It has been de- 
signed, right down to launch re- 
quirements (10,000 pounds 
thrust, 850 seconds), food needs 
(4800 kilograms) and the perfect 
material for a Mars greenhouse 
(Aerogel) by a hippie band of 
Colorado visionaries that grew up 
infected with the rhetoric of the 
moon race. There's Chris McKay, 
a distracted stork of a man with 
perpetual wilderness stubble and 
a hard, clear mind; Tom Meyer, a 
precocious inventor turned en- 
trepreneur and professional 
researcher; Penelope Boston, a 
biologist with a yen for the under- 
ground; Boston's husband, Steve 
Welch, an electronic engineer 
with maharishi hair and beard; 
Carter Emmart, a flamboyant 
artist and poet who collects Bar- 
bies; and Bob Zubrin, the garru- 
lous, passionate engineer in a 
Lenin cap whose elegant problem 
solving and skillful promotion 
have put manned exploration of 
Mars back on the map. With 
Richard Wagner, Zubrin also 
wrote The Case for Mars. Allied 


ILLUSTRATION BY DONATO GIANCOLA 


PLAYBOY 


with higher-profile spaceniks such as 
former moon man Buzz Aldrin, the 
late Carl Sagan, former NASA adminis- 
trator Thomas Paine and dozens of 
others, this Mars Underground plotted 
a ruthlessly efficient, eminently doable 
Mars voyage, not on the grand scale 
NASA envisioned but in the adventur- 
ing spirit of the Nina, the Pinta and the 
Santa Maria. 

Then they did something harder— 
they managed to sell the space agency 
‘on it. Now they will have to sell it to 
America and the world. 

It has ever been so. Columbus didn't 
smack into San Salvador as the result of 
a crash ten-year imperial Spanish pro- 
gram of global exploration. Magellan 
wasn't groomed by some ocean-prob- 
ing scientific bureaucracy. And even 
the boys who brought you Apollo didn’t 
start out as the darlings of any power 
elite. In each instance, the people who 
eventually bent entire nations то their 
peculiar obsessions were brilliant, de- 
termined dreamers. 

Go to Mars? 

“Go to the moon” had a different 
feel. The moon was always the happy 
goal just beyond our grasp—go ahead, 
shoot for the noon! Going there was a 
magical stunt. But today the moon is 
ours. Mysteries plundered, dust 
tracked virgin plains planted with staff 
and flag, austere horizon breached by 
the one-sixth-g bounce of a smuggled 
golf ball. In the nearly three decades 
since, NASA has lost its capacity to 
amaze. It has become another aimless 
government bureaucracy in an age 
when government reigns as the source 
of all evil. The moon? It's an anachro- 
nism. It’s our national trophy wife. It 
was once shimmering and unattain- 
able; now we wonder why we were so 
interested. Its gray, pockmarked face 
taunts our shriveled imaginations; it 
nags us about all we cannot do—/f we 
can go to the moon, why can't we... ? 

But Mars? More than a daring desti- 
"s a whole new world. Lore 
it with fabulous kingdoms, 
monsters, canals and pyramids, but 
modern planetary science has mapped 
a far more desolate place. A crew ap- 
proaching the planet will see it grow 
from a pinhole in the night sky to a 
bright-orange disc the size and color of 
a new penny. It is about half the size of 
earth, bur without oceans it has more 
land surface to explore than our 
world's continents and islands com- 
bined. Spinning at almost the same 
rate as earth (a Mars day is 24.6 hours), 
it orbits the sun every 687 days on a 
tilted axis that gives it doublelong 
earthlike seasons. Noon near Mars’ 
equator on the hottest day of summer 
can raise soil temperatures to 70° Fahr- 
enheit, but most of the time the planet 


makes Antarctica look like a summer 
playground. Mars’ winter is so cold— 
-180 at the poles—that the thin Mar- 
tian air actually freezes solid, creating 
the cap of white at the pole tilted far- 
thest from the sun. This is not frozen 
water but frozen carbon dioxide (dry 
ice). There is believed to be a mile-thick 
layer of water ice beneath that white- 
capped pole, and plenty more frozen 
into the clay of Mars' iron-rich (hence 
rusty) soil. 

As the ship gets closer and Mars fills 
the forward windows of the craft with 
its strange bright-orange expanse, the 
crew will see etched across the surface 
evidence that water flowed freely there 
long, long ago. In the billions of years 
since the climate and atmosphere of. 
Mars resembled earth's, it has grown 
bitterly inhospitable. The thin Mars air 
(mostly carbon dioxide) is so dry that a 
bow! of water on the surface would ex- 
plode into vapor. Scientists originally 
expected the Mars sky to be blue, right 
up until Viking 1 touched down on July 
20, 1976 and began transmitting the 
first images from Mars’ surface. In its 
rush to make the pictures public, 
NASA assumed a blue sky and initially 
processed the new digital images from 
that reference color, which made the 
surface appear greenish brown. A 
more careful calibration the following 
day brought a surprise. It showed the 
surface to be a rust desert and the sky 
an ethereal, pinkish orange, a kind of 
pale peach. An alien world. 

“Man, it was so cool,” says Penny 
Boston. who was a student at Florida 
Adantic University when the pictures 
were beamed down, a teenager in 
granny glasses and long blonde hair. 
“For me it was both an epiphany and a 
disappointment. Mars was no longer a 
distant red speck. It was a place, a plan- 
et. It gave me a rush similar to what I 
felt when I saw the first photographs of 
the whole earth from Apollo 8. But it 
was disappointing, too. I was hoping to 
see some Martian giraffes." 

Why wasn't life there? Viking's simple 
soil and air samples found all the ele- 
ments necessary for it—carbon, oxy- 
gen, nitrogen, water—but the planet 
appeared inert. There were some am- 
biguous results of the soil testing, a 
spike of suspicious oxygen, probably a 
mineral reaction but enough to keep 
diehards hoping. But on the whole 
Mars looked dead as a bucket of rusty 
nails. Chris McKay remembers feeling 
less disappointed than intrigued. How 
could a planet so promising turn out to 
be dead? 

This question goes to the heart of 
modern biology. 1f life, as Darwin's 
great insight suggested, results from a 
simple algorithm operating naturally 
over geological time, then it ought to 


evolve wherever necessary ingredients 
and conditions exist. Either that or 
we're back to the hand of God. It is 
possible, of course, that in a universe of 
billions of stars, life evolved on earth 
alone, or first anyway. But if current 
notions of how life arose are correct, 
that seems unlikely. Even if life is a vz 
ishingly lucky phenomenon, a one-in- 
a-billion chance would mean it has 
evolved roughly a billion times in our 
universe. If the ingredients and condi- 
tions for life exist on Mars, and Mars is 
and always has been dead, it won't top- 
ple the edifice of modern biology. But 
it will make it tremble. The question is, 
as McKay says, "important either way." 
If life does exist there, or did at one 
time, the implications will be stagger- 
ing. It would mean life is almost cer- 
tainly universal. Such a discovery 
would shatter the earth-centered para- 
digm of the ages. It would mean the 
glorious canopy of the heavens breathes, 
that the light that so dimly reaches 
earth from distant stars shines brightly 
on life-forms of near infinite variety. 

All of us can feel the importance of 
possibilities such as these; a scientist is 
driven to find answers. When Penny 
Boston saw no giraffes, shrubs or even 
weeds in those dead pictures from 
Mars, she set about trying to grow 
some life-forms. She, McKay and class- 
mate Carol Stoker sucked the air out of 
giant bell jars to model the low-pres- 
sure Martian environment. They grew 
radishes, and the radishes did fine. 

"The standing joke was that I would 
publish Mother Boston's Radish Cook- 
book," Boston says, "which was a double 
joke because 1 never cook." 

The demonstration called the Mars 
Chamber became the first of many ex- 
periments that gradually filled Mars 
headquarters, a small room reached by 
a narrow staircase beneath the solar 
telescope dome on the roof of a Uni- 
versity of Colorado science building. 
McKay, Boston, Welch, Meyer and 
Stoker dubbed themselves the Mars 
Study Project and began brainstorm- 
ing on everything from designing se- 
cure living stations, figuring out how to 
make air, food, water and fuel from 
Martian resources to "terraforming," 
that is, altering Mars’ air and climate to 
accommodate human life—in other 
words, making Mars earthlike. 

When Viking landed on Mars, it was 
the perfect moment for me,” McKay 
says. “First-year graduate students are 
intellectually receptive. You're search- 
ing and open to just about anything. 
After the first year you have your thesis 
project and you've focused your effort 
and energy along specific lines.” 

Tall, steady, staunchly egalitarian, 

(continued on page 84) 


in los angeles, there's a dj 
who has put good curves 
on the radio waves 


Ellen doesn't rest when her shift on 
Rick Dees' show ends. She zooms off 
1o play correspondent for Geraldo and 
Real TV, os well as "Sports Goddess" 
on sports talk radio (above, with not- 
ed loudmouth Vic "the Brick" Jacobs). 


ER VOICE blankets Los Ange- 

les—sultry, suggestive, then 

suddenly exploding with 
the cackle of a woman who can 
barely believe she gets paid to do 
this. “I love my job! I don't consid- 
erit work at all," says Ellen K., Los 
Angeles' fave babe of the airwaves. 
Isn't she wasting her looks being 
aurally sexy? "No!" says Ellen, 
who joins legendary DJ Rick Dees 
each morning on his top-rated 
five-hour party on KIIS-FM. In 
fact, her sonic adventures feature 
fun stuff you won't see on TV, in- 
cluding her Battle of the Sexes 
with Dees. "When Rick lost, I 
made him walk down Hollywood 
Boulevard in a skirt. When I lost, 
he got the fattest, hairiest tattoo 
artist in town to pull down my 
pants and tattoo me." Pants are al- 
ways dropping near Ellen. (Rod 
Stewart's, for instance.) And she's 
been mooned by Bryan Adams. Ar 
a party Stewart threw, she rubbed 
elbows with Elton John, Jon Bon 
Jovi and George Michael. Quite an 
ascent for a girl who began at 
a tiny radio station in Lafayette, 
Indiana. From there Ellen, the 
daughter ofa rocket scientist, sped 
to San Diego, San Francisco and 
finally Los Angeles, where she 
joined Dees in 1990. Prizing priva- 
cy— particularly after a bedazzled 
fan stalked her not long ago—she 
keeps her full name a secret. Ditto 
her love life. “I don’t date a lot of 
men. I used to, but now I’m more 
selective.” As are 4 million fans 
who tune her in on 102.7 FM week- 
day mornings. For them, her voice 

66 is the world’s best wake-up call. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STEPHEN WAYDA 


DON'T TOUCH ad d 


Ellen keeps her shape, Hollywood style. "Arnold Schwarzenegger troins ot my gym. And sometimes | work out with my cousin Kevin Sor- 
bo, who plays TV's Hercules," she says. Tim Allen and Joy Leno are acquaintances, too, "but | really got off meeting Captain Kangaroo!” 


72 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


as seinfeld's lovable loser, he lies, he cheats, he whines— 


and still gets the girl and the great job. can jason alexander 


do the same thing in real life? 


ALEXANDER 


OU LEARN a great deal about 

a man when he kicks the 

crap out of you. When Ja- 

son Alexander kicks the 

crap out of me, I discover, 
first, that he is a considerate man, even 
in conquest. "Is that a shock-resistant 
watch?" he asks helpfully. “You might 
want to take that off." 

Then he proceeds to wallop me. It is 
not a scene for the squeamish. One 
punch to the sternum is so hard, I 
nearly cough up a lung. A fierce kick 
actually raises me off the ground. Mak- 
ing matters worse, Alexander narrates 
every blow: "This is the roundhouse 
kick." Baboom! "Does that hurt?" Ba- 
boom! “Try holding the pad closer to 
your chest." Baboom! With each shot 
a thud, like a melon hitting asphalt, 
echoes down the quiet street where 
he lives. 

"This mortal combat transpires in the 
driveway of Alexander's Los Angeles 
home. Thrice weekly, at dawn, the 
Seinfeld star meets with David Renan, a 
personal trainer who instructs him in 
the martial art of jeet kune do—"the 
Bruce Lee system," Renan explains in 
the Hollywood tradition of defining 
everything vis-à-vis its relationship to a 
celebrity. Normally Alexander pum- 
mels Renan (and vice versa). Today, at 
my request, he pummels me—after en- 
suring that I am well girded with vinyl 
padding. 

Other things I learn in the process of 
getting bashed: Though chunky, 
Alexander is remarkably spry, even 
graceful. Though cheery, he possesses 


TH 


REAT 


Dow » y Y 

BY BOB DAILY 
a killer instinct, talking confidently of 
how he would respond if someone 
pointed a gun or knife his way in what 
he calls "a street situation." Although, 
frankly, it's hard to take a man too seri- 
ously when he has a padded codpiece 
dangling between his legs. 

After he administers my thrashing, 
the finale to a one-hour workout, 
Alexander removes his gear. (In shin 
guards, chest protector and face mask, 
he resembles a young Joe Garagiola.) 
He is winded. Standing, sweating, talk- 
ing with Renan in the morningchill, he 
begins to smoke: Steam is rising off his 
shoulders and his balding pate. 

"See all that steam?" Renan asks me. 


i? "It's a central untapped 
energy we all have," Alexander ex- 
plains solemnly. "Secret mystical stuff. 
Martial artists are always trying to call 
on that hidden energy. You focus all 
that energy and you can do amazing 
things." 

"Then, just when you believe he's the 
reincarnation of Bruce Lee, Alexander 
reminds you that he is, instead, the 
man who incarnated George Costanza. 
“Either that,” he says, taking a hit from 
his asthma inhaler, "or usbald guys just 
don't have anything up top to keep the 
heat in.” 


THE MADNESS OF KING GEORGE, 


Call it chi. Call it talent. Call it tap- 
ping the zeitgeist. Whatever the 
source, Jason Alexander has accom- 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LEVINE. 


feld‘ 


plished an amazing thing. He has 
made a national folk hero—a sex sym- 
bol, some might argue—out of a short, 
pudgy, balding, crabby, neurotic neb- 
bish by the name of George Costanza. 

“Мо one's a bigger idiot than me, 
says George, summing up his appeal. 
"I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm in- 
adequate—I got it all!” And: “Once in 
my life I'd like the upper hand. I have 
no hand. No hand at all. How do I get 
the hand?” 

For these reasons—his inadequacy, 
his handlessness—George has become 
America’s favorite loser, a patron saint 
of misfits and malcontents everywhere. 
George is us; we are George. Ich bin ein 
Costanza. He represents the side of us 
that cannot be suppressed, the side 
whose tastes lie toward lying, laziness, 
underemployment. Says Alexander's 
TV pal, Jerry Seinfeld: “We often say 
that if the series were just George, it 
would be called This Poor Man. This 
poor man, who is just beset—how 
could you not feel for this guy?” 

The public's embrace of George pays 
tribute to Alexander. Granted, Sein- 
riters have endowed the charac- 
ter with a plethora of personality disor- 
ders, not the least of which is his angst. 
In a Seinfeld appraisal that appeared in 
The Atlantic Monthly, critic Francis Davis 
wrote that Alexander transcends the 
TV loser stereotype “by zeroing in on 
George's deviousness, his raging libido 
and his volatile combination of arro- 
gance and low self-esteem.” 

Clearly, there was something auspi- 
cious in the joining of this character 


PLAYBOY 


74 


and this actor. Which leads to the i 
evitable question: Is he George? Even- 
tually, this is what everybody asks about 
Alexander. Is he neurotic, necdy, dis- 
turbed and depressed like his TV 
counterpart? “А very popular ques- 
tion," agrees Seinfeld, who, after a 
thoughtful pause, takes a stab at an- 
swering: "Well, they look similar." 

Alexander himself responds with 
weary resignation: "1f 1 were like 
George, what would the answer be? If 
you're as neurotic as that guy, would 
you say, "Yes, I'm terribly neurotic’? 

As a matter of fact, yes, you would 
And though Alexander never says 
these particular words, other words 
and actions bespeak a certain Costan- 
zan neurosis. If there’s a little of 
George in all of us, there's more than a 
little in Jason Alexander. As Seinfeld 
says, playing George "wasn't a com- 
plete stretch for Jason." 

Nor that they're identical. Seinfeld's 
observation aside, the 37-year-old 
Alexander appears both thinner and 
younger in person; if the camera adds 
ten pounds, it also ages him about ten 
years. Without George's glasses, there's 
a boyishness to his face. manner is 
carnest and cooperative. "He's very 
sweet," says Seinfeld. "He'll send me a 
card on my birthday, and you know 
that blank side of the card? He'll fill it 
up, and it won't be fluff. He'll take the 
time to write something deeply felt." 

But scratch that menschy surface 
and you'll discover a long list of Geor- 
gian fears, foibles and eccentricities. 

George's hypochondria? Pure Alex- 
ander: "Jason always has allergies and 
ailments that are very Costanzaesqu: 
says Seinfeld. George's bleak insecuri- 
ty? "I can see myself homeless seven 
years from now," Alexander admits. 
George's whole lying-to-impres: 
woman thing? Alexander met his wife, 
Daena Title, while he was a lowly assis- 
tant at a New York City casting agency. 
Pretending to be a casting director, he 
put her through a bogus audition be- 
fore he worked up the courage to ask 
her out. 

That morning in Alexander's drive- 
way I witness another quintessen! 
George moment. In the middle of the 
workout, his mother-in-law drops by to 
borrow his white Volvo. “This is trust,” 
he says proudly. “You let your mother- 
in-law borrow your car.” 

He has no idea. Alexander, Renan 
and I watch, transfixed, as Phyllis backs 
the Volvo down the narrow driveway. 
Alexander narrates, sotto voce: “Oh 
baby!" he mutters as she clips the 
hedge. "Pull it forward, my dear—you 
know, there are only four or five people 
who actually can get out of this dr 
way. I think she's gonna go for it—— 

Crunch! Phyllis smacks the right mir- 


ror against the gate. She pulls forward, 
then backs up again slowly, inch by ex- 
cruciating inch. When Alexander's son 
emerges from the house, in pajamas, 
Alexander shoos him back: "Gabe, 
Grandma's pulling out, it's not safe!" 
Renan averts his gaze: "I can't watch," 
he groans. And—crunch! Phyllis bangs 
the left mirror against the gate. A 
shower of shiny pieces falls to the 
ground. 

Alexander grimaces. This poor man. 
“I'm thinking,” he muses, “maybe we 
should rent a car for her.” 


LIFE AFTER GEORGE 


To find Alexander at his Studio City 
lot, you take Gilligan’s Island Road to 
the Seinfeld sign. Turn left. If you hit 
Mary Tyler Moore Avenue, you have 
gone too far. Alexander's no-frills office 
is on the second floor. Here he sits in 
his offstage mufti (T-shirt, jeans and 
sneakers), talking on the phone: “Hey, 
it’s not you,” he cheerfully explodes. 
“What can you do? They'll fuck ya!” 

Again Alexander is blowing off 
steam, though this time not literally. 
The producers had requested his pres- 
ence on the lot at eight А.м.; it’s now 
past noon, and they're not ready to 
shoot his scene. “A typical Seinfeld day,” 
he grouses. "I was supposed to be 
shooting by ten, I've done zippity-doo- 
dah so far." 

So he has spent the morning sifting 
through scripts, phoning moguls and 
doing deals—preparing for life after 
Seinfeld. 

Yes, Alexander is working toward 
the day he will say farewell to George 
Costanza. He came perilously close this 
year. In a ballyhooed negotiation, 
Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and 
Michael Richards each asked for an un- 
precedented $1 million per episode to 
return for a ninth season. (Seinfeld, a 
writer and producer as well as an actor, 
had already cut a separate deal.) At the 
final hour they settled for $600,000 an 
episode (or $13 million per season), 
plus a cut of the profits. They also 
agreed to work for a tenth, and most 
likely final, season. 

The rancorous negotiations took a 
toll on Alexander and his castmates. 
"It's not that we were adamant about. 
making S1 million an episode," he in- 
sists. "We were adamant that we should 
have been cut in on the profits from. 
syndication revenues. The money is 
there, and their cries of poverty fell оп 
deaf ears." He claims that NBC dissi- 
pated eight years of goodwill by drag- 
ging out the proceedings. By the end, 
he says, his attitude was: "Fuck you. If 
you're not going to treat us like people, 
then we'll just be animals. And we'll 
walk away if we have to." 

Walk away? Alexander was remark- 


ably relaxed about leaving the decade's 
hottest sitcom. On the one hand, he 
says, "There is tremendous joy in do- 
ing this show. Seinfeld has changed all 
our careers and all of our lives. It маза 
space-shuttle ride to superattention." 

On the other hand, "Everything 
Seinfeld hath given, it hath taken азга 
he notes. ^I wouldn't have been consid- 
ered for a lot of the films that I'm up 
for were it not for the show. But by the 
same token the show has prevented me 
from doing them." Thus he passed ир 
plum roles in А Few Good Men, А League 
of Their Own and Glengarry Glen Ross. 
Furthermore, he adds, “I miss the chal- 
lenge" of a more varied career. "The 
fact that the show has never concerned 
itself with anything other than funny— 
that gets to be а limited muscle to 
exercise." 

Locking beyond Seinfeld, Alexander 
fears that George could swallow his ca- 
reer, reducing him eventually to per- 
sonal appearances at Seinfeld fan con- 
ventions. He knows the perils of being 
indelibly identified with such a cele- 
brated character. “1 have seen many ca- 
reers that have been at this point and 
then, for myriad reasons, don't sustain. 
Actors have come off this kind of boost 
and gone into oblivion. That's fright- 
ening to me." 

Hence the $1 million per episode 
demand—an insurance policy against 
typecasting. "This could very well be 
the biggest thing that happens in my 
career,” he says. "Seinfeld is going to 
live on the air for years, continually 
putting out the image that George is 
who I am. So if I'm going to give them 
another 22 of those images, they're go- 
ing to make sure I'm set for life. 

Alexander has this going for him: 
Unlike many sitcom stars, he came to 
the show with the résumé of a real ac- 
tor. At the age of 37, he has done slap- 
stick and Shakespeare, song and 
dance. A Broadway fixture in the 
Eighties, he won a 1989 Tony Award 
for his performance in the musical 
Jerome Robbins’ Broadway, in which he 
played 12 different characters, from a 
young gangster to an old Jew. At one of 
those recent (and ubiquitous) award 
extravaganzas, he brought a dozing 
crowd to its feet with a vaudevillian star 
turn, complete with a tango, a flip and 
a pie in the face. 

“Jason has the ability to really trans- 
form himself," says Ken Kwapis, who 
directed him in the film Dunsion Checks 
In. “Не has the kind of abilities Peter 
Sellers had— can easily see him play- 
ing several characters in a film, the way 
Sellers did in Dr. Strangelove. I have a 
feeling that he may ultimately be as 
strong a dramatic actor on the screen 
as he is a comic actor on TV." 


(continued on page 120) 


‚ is there a Mr. Peep?” 


“S0000 . . 


76 


FASHION 


ATCH ойт, King Giorgio. The British 
have introduced a hip twist to the 
men’s fashion scene and they're sock- 
ing itto Milan. Among the homespun 
talent is Paul Smith, a pioneer of 
quirky British design. The mod clothes in his store are 
only enhanced by the stack of vintage PLAYBOYS he sells 
as accessories. He put his own particular imprint on a 
classic two-button suit, above left, by constructing it out 
of corduroy with an outrageously wide wale ($1450). 
The cotton check shirt ($205) and floral silk tie ($90) are 
also his. Nicole Farhi, who did the wool three-button 


HOLLIS 


WAYNE 


< 


jacket (above right, $529), is known for combining 
British tailoring with the unstructured style of Euro- 
pean designers. The fabric may be traditional flannel, 
but Farhi added pop by giving the flat-front pants a vio- 
let tint ($265). Ted Baker designed the microfiber-and- 
Lycra shirt ($140) and the striped tie ($80). Baker is 
so popular in England that people say "nice Ted" in- 
stead of "nice shirt.” Opposite: Do real men wear plaid? 
Yes, as long as it’s a hip bespoke version such as this 
Patrick Cox suit. The three-button jacket costs $600, the 
matching flat-front pants are $305 and the turtleneck is 
$210. The calfskin shoes ($225) are by Kenneth Cole. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JON MOE 
STYLING BY STEVEN NASSINOS 


LONDON COOL 


HOW WON'T FINO A RUNWAY 
SHOW OF A SUPERMODEL 
ІП TOUN, BUT ENGLISH 
BET DESIGNERS НЕЕ 
fa Ms SS REINVENTING 
MEN'S FASHION 


78 


In the next 18 months, Bond Street, the already 
crowded boulevard of boutiques, will witness openings 
of such flagship stores as Giorgio Armani Le Collezioni, 
Ralph Lauren, CK Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfiger and 
Guess. Perhaps it's because, as Tommy Hilfiger puts it, 
"London is the gateway to Europe." The real reason is 
that whether it's music or fashion (and usually the two 
are intertwined), Londoners are trendy mothers. Pat- 
rick Cox has leaped to the forefront of design with such 
items as the three-button jacket above ($500; the match- 
ing flat-front pants cost $220). The fabric is camel cot- 
ton moleskin. Cox also designed the Chinese-print silk 


shirt ($385). (The men's belt [$145] is from Hugo Hugo 
Boss and the dress is by Bella Freud.) Timothy Everest 
served as an apprentice to Savile Row's celebrity tailor 
Tommy Nutter (he made Elton John’s wonky stage cos- 
tumes) before making the move to retail. One of his typ- 
ical signatures is a tonal, multipattern look as in the sin- 
gle-breasted suit with flat-front pants at right ($1475). 
(Everest also did the shirt with diamond pattern [$145] 
and the woven silk tie [$95]. The dress is by Vivienne 
Westwood.) Tom Cruise went through 30 pairs of Ever- 
est's trousers during the filming of Mission: Impossible 
We recommend you treat them a bit more carefully. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155. 


HAIR BY GABRIEL SABA FOR JOHN SHAHAG WORKSHOP NYC /MAKEUP BY SHANE PAISH FOR TRIUSE 


Deadly Morals 


THE DEA IS BUSTING DOCTORS 
FOR PRESCRIBING 
DRUGS—AND PATIENTS ARE 
DYING IN PAIN 


ONALD DEWBERRY, 44, a retired aircraft 
mechanic, went to Dr. John McFadden 
several years ago after two failed sur- 
geries for degenerative disk disease. 
The pain in his neck was crippling, and even mov- 
ing his eyes triggered it. Dr. McFadden, who is 
medical director of the Tupelo Pain Clinic in Tupe- 
lo, Mississippi, prescribed Dewberry narcotic pain- 
killers known as opioids, which are highly effective 
and rarely addictive when taken to relieve pain. 

Unfortunately for McFadden, he was under sur- 
veillance. Federal and state narcotics investigators 
first went to his red-brick clinic in 1987 on айр 
from the Mississippi State Board of Pharmacy that 
he was overprescribing painkillers. They sifted 
through his inventory logs for evidence that nar- 
cotic medications had been diverted to the street 
for black-market resale. McFadden claims that only 
minor record-keeping errors were found. Yet be- 
cause McFadden specialized in pain treatment (and 
therefore had prescribed narcotics such as Vicodin 
and Tylenol #3), he was subject to continuing sus- 
picion. Over the next nine years, agents from the 
Mississippi State Board of Medical Licensure peri- 
odically investigated his prescribing habits. 

A new front had been opened in the drug war, 
and patients in pain were potential enemies. Even 
though McFadden, the only pain specialist in 
northern Mississippi, administered legal medica- 
tions of great benefit, his prescribing of narcotics 
targeted him as a suspect. 

In March 1996 a state medical board investigator 
arrived at his clinic with a search warrant. “We had 
been expecting him. We knew he had to do his job, 
so we were friendly and said, “You can look at any- 
thing you want," McFadden recalls. The agent 
seized the medical charts of 36 patients. Several 
months later McFadden was notified that the med- 
ical board had charged him with 11 counts of vio- 
lating the Mississippi Medical Practice Act, includ- 
ing unprofessional conduct “likely to harm the 
public.” 

After two days of administrative hearings and 30 
minutes of deliberation, the medical board—whose 
members are appointed by the governor—sus- 
pended McFadden's medical license and prohibit- 
ed him from presc g a variety of controlled 
substances on an outpatient basis. McFadden's cen- 
sure has had a chilling effect in Mississippi medical 


& article By Katherine Eban Finkelstein 


ILLUSTRATION BY GUY BILLOUT 


PLAYBOY 


82 


circles. To avoid similar repercussions 
or scrutiny, other area doctors have vir- 
tually stopped prescribing narcotics. 
One doctor in Tupelo posted a notice 
in his waiting room: DO NOT ASK ME TO 
REFILL PAIN MEDICATIONS. In a doctor's 
office 40 miles away in Corinth, a sign 
read DON'T ASK FOR OPIOIDS. 
McFadden's patients, meanwhile, 
were left in pain. When Dewberry re- 
turned to his longtime family practi- 
tioner in nearby Oxford and asked for 
a prescription, the doctor chewed him 
out. “You're just an addict," Dewber- 
ry recalls him saying. He has since 
stopped taking medication, and the 
pain keeps him in bed: "I'm in this 
haze of fighting pain. I'm trying to 
raise two teenagers, and I have a mort- 
gage on the house. But i£ I said, “Несі, 
if it all falls to pieces. . .' then it does." 


By almost any measure, America has 
lost its war on illegal drugs. Cocaine 
and heroin still cross the nation's bor- 
ders. "Cat," or methcathinone, can be 
purchased in any city, despite endless 
law enforcement efforts to buy and 
bust. Meanwhile, the real threat from 
illegal drugs has fed America's opio- 
phobia, an irrational fear of narcotic 
pain relief. Needing a winnable war, 
the government has cracked down in 
doctors' offices. Across the country, 
state agents, allied with the DEA, have 
staked out pain clinics under the as- 
sumption that wherever narcotics are 
prescribed, diversion of the drugs will 
soon follow. In pursuing this theory, 
the government has criminalized an 
entire class of patients and scared doc- 
tors into abandoning them. 

As a result, pain is grievously under- 
treated. According to the National 
Chronic Pain Outreach Association, an 
estimated 34 million patients suffer 
chronic pain and lose 50 million work- 
days a year. Seven million of these pa- 
tients cannot relieve their pain without 
opioids, but there are only approxi- 
mately 4000 doctors in the country 
willing to prescribe them. A recent New 
England Journal of Medicine editorial 
noted that 56 percent of cancer outpa- 
tients and 82 percent of AIDS outpa- 
tients received inadequate pain treat- 
ment. Fifty percent of hospitalized 
patients with a range of illnesses also 
received inadequate pain treatment. 

Our drug war has overshadowed our 
pain crisis because the former is fought 
by politicians, while the latter is lived 
by patients who are often confined to 
bed. In the absence of an effective pain 
lobby, politicians have been zble to 
whip the public into an opiophobic 
frenzy. “All you have to do is scream 
about the drug hysteria, then everyone 
tucks his tail and runs," says Dr. Strat- 


ton Hill, a Houston pain specialist. “No 
politician wants the charge that he's 
soft on drugs." Late last year the Clin- 
ton administration challenged referen- 
da in Arizona and California that 
would legalize the medical use of mari- 
juana for easing the pain and nausea 
that are related to cancer and its treat- 
ment. This past March the president 
emerged from knee surgery declaring 
that he would not medicate his pain 
with narcotics. 

While doctors may shrug off such 
proclamations, they cannot afford to 
ignore the investigative machinery that 
opiophobia has built. "We have estab- 
lished a bureaucracy to catch doctors 
making errors," says a leading re- 
searcher in pain treatment. "As a result, 
fear is endemic among physicians." 

. 


Іп 1984 Congress handed the DEA's 
Office of Diversion Control discre- 
tionary power to revoke a doctor's reg- 
istration to prescribe medicine. (In or- 
der to write prescriptions, doctors 
must be registered with the DEA.) The 
1984 legislation enabled the govern- 
ment to yank this registration if a doc- 
tor commits "such acts as would render 
his registration . . . inconsistent with 
the public interest." This phrase, 
buried in the fine print of the Danger- 
ous Drug Diversion Control Act, signif- 
icantly expanded the ODC's latitude. 
Before 1984, the agency could revokea 
doctor's registration for only three rea- 
sons: If he had falsified a prescription, 
was convicted of a felony relating to 
controlled substances or had his state 
medical license revoked, denied or 
suspended. 

With the passage of the act, the rules 
changed overnight—from black-and- 
white to gray. Enforcers could pro- 
nounce guilt and revoke a registration 
simply by dedaring that the public in- 
terest had been threatened. Suddenly, 
prescribing that was determined to Бе 
against the "public interest" was being 
used as prima facie evidence of diver- 
sion. The government had effectively 
criminalized narcotic pain treatment 
and had begun to practice medicine. 

Since its creation in 1973, the ODC 
has had a dual function. It was charged 
with ensuring the availability of phar- 
maceutical drugs for legitimate needs 
and preventing their diversion for ille- 
gitimate sale and use. But the 1984 
drug bill changed everything. Despite 
limited data on the origins or amount 
of diversion, the agency targeted doc- 
tors and patients, performing search- 
and-seizure operations in the offices 
of baffled clinicians. The peremptory 
justice was supported by Orwellian log- 
ic: Patients at pain clinics use narcotics. 


Narcotics can be addictive. Therefore, pain 
patients ате addicts. 

This new system encouraged doctors 
to suspect the motives of their patients. 
“As doctors, we believe in people, but 
the government expects each of us to 
be an FBI unit. We're supposed to trust 
no one,” explains Dr. Frank McNiel, 
a family practitioner in Knoxville, 
‘Tennessee. 


In deciding who to bust, investiga- 
tors rely heavily on medication cate- 
gories that were established in 1970 
under the Controlled Substances Act. 
The DEA groups medications into five 
different “Schedules,” depending on 
their potential for abuse. Schedule V 
contains some prescription drugs as 
well as over-the-counter cough medi- 
cines, which are rarely abused. Sched- 
ule IV includes benzodiazepines such 
as Valium. Schedule 111 contains ana- 
bolic steroids, some barbiturates and 
blends of aspirin and codeine. Sched- 
ule I includes heroin, LSD and mari- 
juana, which have no medical use, ac- 
cording to the feds. 

Overwhelmingly, the 1984 provision 
led agents to focus on Schedule II. The 
painkillers here, including morphine 
and Dilaudid, have a high street value. 
Looking for a way to combat diversion, 
agents relied on the all-purpose “pub- 
lic interest” dictum. They used it as a 
preventive tool, to bust law-abiding 
doctors prescribing medication that 
might be diverted down the road. On 
both the state and federal levels, the 
distinction between enforcement and 
prevention collapsed, as did the dis- 
tinction between criminal behavior and 
the treatment of pain. Once Schedule 
П drugs were involved, the DEA decid- 
ed to shoot first and ask questions later. 

Federal and state arsenals are now 
bristling with weaponry. The DEA per- 
forms long-range computer surveil- 
lance with the Automated Reports and 
Consolidated Orders System. This da- 
tabase logs every transaction between 
manufacturers and distributors of con- 
trolled substances. If a large quantity of 
barbiturates, for example, were distrib- 
uted їп a certain city, it could mean that 
an organized group had diverted the 
medication. Law enforcement authori- 
ties would launch an investigation. 

States use their own monitoring ap- 
paratuses to track the prescriptions of 
individual doctors and their patients" 
habits. Some states require doctors to 
report even their terminal cancer pa- 
tients as addicts if they are prescribed 
opioids for a certain period of time. In 
eight states, including California and 
New York, doctors who want to pre- 
scribe from Schedule II must order 

(continued on page 112) 


PLAYBOY GALLERY 


Growing up in the war-ravaged town of Pozzuoli, Italy, suality made her a screen legend. In 1957, just as Sophia 
Sophia Loren was teased for her scrawniness and called surpassed Gina Lollobrigida as America's favorite Italian sex 

Sofia Stuzzicadenti (Sofia the toothpick). Happily, she was a symbol, PLAYBOY ran this photo from an early Loren film 

great late bloomer whose bountiful curves and startling sen- called Era Lui, Si, Si. The photo and Sophia remain classics. 83 


PLAYBOY 


on ARS (continued from page 64) 


The plan NASA came up with had a price tag of 
$450 billion. Zubrin calls that proposal “idiotic.” 


oblivious of social niceties and pos- 
sessed of an uncommonly analytical 
mind, McKay became a kind of father 
figure to a growing cast of Mars enthu- 
siasts. One of the group remembers 
walking across campus with him one 
day in the late Seventies when they 
were stopped by an eager undergrad 
who recognized McKay as "that Mars 


"How long do you think it will take 
to put humans on Mars?" the student 
asked. 

"About six years," McKay said. 

"Tom Meyer arrived in Boulder fol- 
lowing Stoker. He had met Stoker 
when she wasan undergrad at the Uni- 
versity of Utah, where he had been 
working on the state's seismic-risk net- 
work. Inspired by the intrepid capital- 
ist overmen of novelist Ayn Rand, Mey- 
er left the University of Utah to form 
his own engineering company, which 
promptly secured a contract to provide 
instrumentation for robot mining vehi- 
cles operating on the ocean floor in 
three-mile-deep water off Hawaii. 
Stoker had worked for him on that 
project before moving to Colorado. 
When the contract was up, Meyer sold 
the company and headed to Boulder. 

A slender man with a high forehead, 
long dark hair and black-framed glass- 
es, Meyer brought to the group his 
devilishly creative mind and a more 
worldly, practical bent. 

He warned the group to avoid the 
fate of the L5 society, which had seized 
upon the idea of suspending a perma- 
nent city in space at the point between 
the earth and moon where gravity be- 
tween the two bodies is at a standoff 
(known as L5). At that spot, no energy 
would be needed to keep the city in po- 
sition. Meyer says, “Тһе L5ers had 
come up with brilliant, grandiose 
plans. Very sophisticated stuff—only 
none of it was grounded in reality. I re- 
member telling the Mars group to 
learn something from L5. “Ве credible," 
I told them." 

At roughly the same time, America 
was backing away from manned space 
exploration. Still, NASA's blastofis, 
splashdowns and moon walks, its 
bizarre vocabulary of zero-g, A-OK, 
LEMs and reentry had lit the imagina- 
tion of an entire generation. The world 
was enthralled by the drama of its suc- 
cessful thrusts into the new realm of 
space. For children of the Sixties and 
Seventies, NASA offered a defining vi- 


sion of mankind's future. Space was 
the high frontier. A vision like that 
doesn't get turned off by a few budget 
cutbacks and press releases. The space 
shuttle, NASA's new baby, was basically 
a truck. It was as if Columbus, having 
discovered a new world, had taken up. 
a mail route to Bermuda. 

So at the same time NASA was re- 
casting itself as a cargo company, the 
Mars Study Project earnestly worked. 
on getting humans to the red planet. 
Meyer pursued experiments to see 
how air, fuel and water could be 
squeezed from Mars' stingy atmos- 
phere and soil. Penny Boston pub- 
lished a paper called Low Pressure 
Greenhouses and Plants for a Manned Re- 
search Station on Mars and, with Hous- 
ton space scientist and author James 
Oberg, gave a seminar on terraforming 
at the annual Lunar Science Confer- 
ence in 1979. The group attended a 
colloquium about Mars at Caltech that 
year and ran into Carter Emmart. Em- 
mart, then a wiry teenager from New 
Jersey with braces, hauled around a gi- 
ant tape recorder with him from ses- 
Sion to session, chronicling every word. 

"I thoughtthey were the coolest peo- 
ple I had ever seen," says Emmart, who 
would enroll at the University of Col- 
orado the following year to join the 
merry band. “I thought that they 
looked like Fleetwood Mac. The guys 
had long hair and the s wore 
granny dresses down to their bare an- 
kles. They looked like hippies, but they 
were serious scientists, though they 
knew how to have serious fun, too. 
They kind of adopted me. We were all 
оп a secret trip to Mars." 

The Mars group decided to host a 
conference in Boulder in 1981 to solic- 
itinput on a host of topics, from how to 
propel the necessary payloads across 
hundreds of millions of kilometers of 
space to how human beings were ex- 
pected to hold up in tiny pressurized 
living spaces for years. 'There would 
have to be sex in space, right? Should 
NASA send couples to Mars? Was that 
asking for trouble? Should it send only 
married couples? Taking stock of what 
they didn't know, the group drew up a 
list of issues: propulsion, design, psy- 
chology, medicine, finance, life sup- 
port, materials processing, Viking re- 
sults, etc. They then invited those with 
expertise. 

And people came! 

“The response was overwhelming," 


says McKay. "Real people showed up. 
People such as Conway Snyder, project 
scientist at the Jet Propulsion Lab for 
Viking; NASA engineer Jim French and 
life-support engineer Phil Quattrone 
and author Jim Oberg." 

Meyer remembers NASA people 
handing him papers they had worked 
up privately, without authorization, 
and asking him not to say where he got 
them. They called the conference the 
Case for Mars and distributed red but- 
tons stamped with a logo inspired by 
Leonardo da Vinci and bearing the 
words MARS UNDERGROUND. Attendees 
were encouraged to wear the buttons 
under their coat lapels, given the sur- 
reptitious nature of the enterprise, and 
were handed certificates officially in- 
ducting them into the Underground, 
which was defined as "tightly knit but 
loosely woven." 

"The second Case for Mars confer- 
ence, in 1984, attracted hundreds of 
scientists, including Thomas Paine, the 
former NASA administrator during 
the Apollo era who in 1985 would be 
appointed by President Reagan to 
head the national Commission on 
Space (which would make a human 
outpost on Mars the climax of a 30-year 
program of space exploration). As the 
numbers of papers and attendees grew, 
there was pressure to formalize the 
Mars Underground, to limit atten- 
dance at conferences and to screen the 
papers to weed out the fringe—l 
people who claimed their pix 
hanced Viking photos showed a gigan- 
tic Martian sphinxlike monument of a 
face, or those who insisted Mars could 
be reached in minutes once the space- 
ship achieved "warp speed." But Mc- 
Kay, true to his democratic instincts, 
refuscd. "My approach had its draw- 
backs," he admits, but his inclusiveness 
also paid off. It opened the door to Bob 
Zubrin. A Brooklyn native, Zubrin had 
been teaching math and science to only 
marginally interested students. He 
urged them to consider science as the 
noblest and most exciting of callings. 

“Then how come you're not a scien- 
tist?" one boy asked him. 

"The question continued to gnaw at 
him, until he quit his job and went back 
to graduate school. Budding space sci- 
entist Zubrin was one of more than a 
thousand people in the audience when 
Carl Sagan gave the keynote address at 
the third Mars conference, in 1987. 

Three years later, Zubrin had fig- 
ured out how to get there. 

McKay, Boston, Stoker, Meyer, 
Welch and Emmart were established 
now. McKay and Stoker held impor- 
tant jobs with NASA at the Ames Re- 
search Center in California, helping di- 
rect the agency's renewing interest in 

(continued on page 104) 


"Like to get out of that wet suit and into a dry bikini?" 


meet another overachiever 
from arkansas 


tomboy, running and jumping and shooting at turtles in my grandma's 

pond. Not real feminine," she says. But when her high school class in tiny 
Pearcy, Arkansas voted her Girl Most Likely to Model, it dawned on Kalin that she 
wasn't boyish anymore. Indeed she was right purty, as her fellow Arkansan Bill 
Clinton might say. So the shiest girl in town did the boldest, wildest thing she 
could think of. ^I entered a bikini contest!" she says. Guess who won? 


A t 21, Kalin Olson finally feels like a grown-up woman. “I was always а 


Miss August hasn't met the president in the flesh, but she feels close to former governor 
Clinton (right), onother locol hero. "He proved thot our state has a lot to offer,” says Kolin. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND STEPHEN WAYDA 


Kalin is upgrading her small- 
tawn pleosures to match her 
world-class looks. "I like bubble 
baths. Mr. Bubble works, but I 
prefer something a little mare 
elegant.” But nothing matches 
the thrill of new experiences. 
“You wouldn't believe haw shy I 
was when we began shaating 
these pictures,” she says, flash- 
ing her blue-groy eyes. "But os 
the camera clicked and | wig- 
gled, | warmed up. Maybe I'm 
a little mare liberal than most 
folks in my neck af the woods.” 
To get closer to Kalin, you can 
call the Playboy Super Hotline. 
See page 161 for details. 


Kalin's smile and Olympian figure quickly made her the hottest ingenue in Hot Springs, 
Arkansas. She entered last year's Miss Hawaiian Tropic pageant, won a trip to Hawaii and 
soon was headed for modeling gigs from Miami to Paris. Not bad for a girl who still worries 
that big-city people won't cotton to her accent. Now that she has left boyishness behind, she 
frets about another drawback: “I have to drive all the way to the mall in Little Rock for my 
Victoria's Secret lingerie,” she says. “I just love modeling that stuff for my man." Kalin may 
sound a bit country, but she says she “didn't just step out of the woods.” Her great-grandfa- 
ther Culbert Olson was governor of California halfa century ago. The family returned to its 
Arkansas roots, which nourished the Clinton clan in Hope as well as filmmaker Bill 

Thornton in nearby Malvern. Kalin says, "It's getting almost cool to be from Arkansa 


БИТИИ 


ЙМ!!! 
» 


ре ` / / PEE ТУЗ 
У 504 ^ Te Hn 
Vu En GA 


к ж” 


Even in small-town America, sex is more complex than it used to be, says Kalin. *It's scary. Sex can get out of control. 
In my high school we had assemblies on AIDS, but nothing changed. Everyone was too embarrassed to buy condoms." Some 
of her classmates dealt with the problem by marrying young and got tied down by family duties before they even turned 
18. Kalin—much like Clinton, Thornton and other cool Arkansans—left to share her homegrown gifts with the world. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


meat YA Olson 5 

pust: QUE C varst: 2H mes: DD 

Umen amn E. 2 = 

BIRTH pate: I9 - 0-7) 5 BIRTHPLACE: Hot Springs, Ду lanzas 
LA 


amerrions: ГО 4 


cll 
тивн-онз+ Біл bbl hadas, nulolnoremeon, mon _ 
uoha can cool Sto—through lina erie 
aca ЧЁ аЛ аА 
Small minds in small Чаат, 
MY MAN: H cll YA: ho! \ 
mo dhan parlying with friends, and lap _ 
neuer looks uic? at another oman — 
plus ho loves il when X model lingerie 

7 hm. 
раззтокв: Noi Yhinas — for mp that means 


sushi, Scuba dig, Siring Lat. world. 
morro: E may ba small-town, out nok small-mindad. 


ШИ 228 Т, 


peel ars the Suv(s up Ho-Ho-Ho 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer 
and a Microsoft engineer were riding in a car, 
when suddenly it stalled. The three passengers 
considered what could be wrong. 

Тһе electrical engineer suggested stripping. 
down the electronics of the car. 

The chemical engincer suggested flushing 
the fuel system. 

The Microsoft engineer shook his head. 
"Why don't we close all the windows," he sug- 
gib "get out, get back in and open the win- 

lows again—then maybe it will work." 


А dedicated shop steward was at a convention 
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local 
brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked 
the madam, "Is this a union house?" 

“No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied. 

“Well, if рау you $100, what cut do the girls 

сі?” 

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." 

Offended at such an unfair operation, the 
man stomped off down the strect in search of 
a morc equitable shop. Finally he reached a 
brothel where the madam said hers was a 
union house. 

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls 
get?” 

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." 

“That's more like it!” the man said. He 
looked around the room and pointed to an at- 
tractive redhead. “I'd like her for the night.” 

"I'm sure you would, sir,” the madam said, 
gesturing to a fat 60-year-old woman in the 
corner, “but Ethel there has seniority.” 


Why do Montana ranchers take their sheep 
up tothe mountain cliffs? It's the only time the 
animals will push back. 


In 2020, the United States first Jewish presi- 
dent-elect called his mother in Miami. “Ma, 
you're coming up for the inauguration, right?” 
“I can't go to Washington in the middle of 
she said. “I don't have any warm 


“Ma, Гі send you money. Buy whatever you 
need.” 

“But it's such a production to get there— 
taxis, airports, hotels.” 

“Ma, I'll send Air Force One for you with a Se- 
cret Service escort.” 

“Oh, OK," she relented. “ГІ come." 

January 20 dawned sunny and mild. The 
president-elect’s mother was seated on the 
dais, next to the incoming cabinet officers. As 
the oath of office was being administered, the 
old lady turned to the new secretary of state 
and whispered, “His brother's a doctor.” 


Whats a good sign you're on a great first 
date? You ask her to dance and she climbs up 
on the table, 


Рілувоу ciassic: An old farmer decided it was 
time to get a new rooster for his hens because 
the current rooster was getting on in years. He 
bought a young cock and turned it loose in the 
barnyard. 

The old rooster eyed the new arrival with 
concern and said, “So you're the new stud in 
town? Well I'm not ready for the chopping 
block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to 
Bee it I challenge you to a race around that 

enhouse. We'll run around it ten times and 
whoever finishes first gets all the hens for 
himself.” 

“You’re on,” the young rooster said. “And 
considering your age, ГЇЇ even give you a hcad 
start of half a lap.” 

The two birds took their marks and the race 
began. After the first lap, the old rooster was in 
the lead. After the second lap he was still 
ahead, but his lead had slipped and continued 
to slip each time around. By the fifth lap he 
was just barely in front of the young rooster. 

The farmer, hearing the commotion, 
grabbed his shotgun, ran out to the barnyard 
and watched in disgust as the two roosters ran 
around the henhouse. He aimed his shotgun, 
fired and blew away the young rooster. 
“Damn,” he mumbled to himself. "That's the 
third gay rooster I've bought this month." 


Did you hear about the blonde who had two 
chances to get pregnant? She blew both of 
them. 


28 


T his MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: A 
man was on his way home from work and got 
stuck in a terrible Los Angeles traffic jam. After 
idling 20 minutes in the same spot, he saw a 
policeman walking down the highway between 
cars. He rolled down his window and asked, 
"Excuse me, officer, what's the holdup?" 

“O.].'s depressed about the verdict,” the сор 
explained. “Не doesn't have the money, so he's 
lying in the middle of the highway, threatening 
to douse himself with gasoline and light him- 
self on fire. I'm walking around taking up a 
collection for him." 

“How much do you have so far?" 

"Oh, about ten gallons." 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


ҮШҮҮ 


angry young brits are creating movies. music and 
Highilife that are the talk of scenesters around Ihe world 


ARTICLE BY LISA HAMLIN 


BLAME IT on the French. Last fall, Le Monde report- 
ed that Parisian youth were wild about chunneling 
their way to London. Once home they touted the 
énergie and dynamisme that Paris lacked. They even 
crowned London the Manhattan of Europe. Then 
two more Brits took over French fashion houses 
(Alexander McQueen was nabbed by Givenchy and 
Stella McCartney landed Chloé; John Galliano was 
already at Dior). Before you could say “Good show” 
every pond-jumping, binational fashionista from Los Angeles to Milan 
was raving—with good reason—about how cool London had become. 
Visit London and you'll be swept up by gold-rush fever. From the gen- 
trified enclaves of Notting Hill and Clerkenwell to the complexes spring- 
ingup on the Thames, the restaurants have the packed glamour of South 
Beach, the nightlife has eclipsed New York and the prices for everything 
take aim at Tokyo. This town is booming and, once again, its echoes are re- 
- verberating around the world. Right now London is the most 
sophisticated place in the universe. 
The breathy attention it's receiving gives London's 
community of droll and angry artists, film- 
makers and pop stars an internation- 
al forum not seen since the Swing- 
ing Sixties of Mick Jagger and 
* Jean Shrimpton. Add to the mix a 
resurgent economy, relaxed drink- 
ing laws and an explosion of new con- 
struction and you have a city that’s hotter 
than its beer. Brits have known this for a while, but un- 
til recently they've been feeling too polite to mention it. 
A government decision to redirect some profits from the Na- “No, I'm 21.” Noel: “No, re Bet 
tional Lottery into the British film industry helped turn Ria eae АШНЫ iens 
the U.K.'s film culture into what one critic called AES ETE етту], 
"the strongest in the world." Richard лада RAS. 
Curtis, screenwriter for the first British 
blockbuster in recent memory, Four Wed- 
dings and а Funeral, set up an artists" 
colony on Portobello Road. The Scot- 
tish-set film Trainspotting, which was pro- 
duced in collaboration with London- 
based Channel Four, expanded the ] li 
market for films and Britpop bands. B 
In a longstanding tradition, bands across the country 
head to the capital to gain bigger audiences and start 
feuds with one another. At the start of the current boom, 
Oasis arrived on the scene from Manchester (and still hasn't left). Oasis im- 
mediately declared war on its rival, Blur—at one point Oasis songwriter Noel 
Gallagher even wished AIDS upon Blur bassist Henry James. The tabloids 
reported snarly encounters between the enigmatic (concluded on page 145) 


ой know their music. But even if you 
don't like Oasis, you have to hand it f] 
to Liam and Noel Gallagher for set- 
ting new standards in 
Here are some of their greatest hits 
In an interview with Vox, Noel is asked L] 
if Liam is "a brainless lager lout." "He 
is," says Noel, who then refers to Liam as 
[] a “litle twat when he's in a bad mood" 
and threatens, “If he's still like that 


Liam explains that “he had a row with 
me about his ignorance toward people 
who he don't know. Then I trashed the f] 
place 'cause I went right off me tits." 
Big brother, little brother. Noel: 
“How old are you, 2 Liam: "No, 
[] I'm a fucking thousand and five twen- [J 
ty-one.” Noel: "No, you're 22." Liam: M 


not to perform LI 
at Royal Albert. 
Hall. Noel sings | 
solo while Liam 
heckles from 
the balcony. 
What is it 


mals? Nocl: "It's somcthing 
I'm not proud about.” 
Liam: "Well, I am." Noel: 
“Well, if you're proud of getting 
thrown off ferries [Oasis was de- f 
ported from Holland after a 
drunken brawl on a ferry], then 
why don't you support Westham 
and get the fuck out of my band Ш 
and be a football hooligan?” 


Capturing the zeitgeist each month, the magazines Loaded (above), FHM and Max- 
im place heavy emphasis on football, lascivious stories of snogging birds and tales of 
100 shagging on the carpet. “Politically correct” has a different meaning in the UK. 


THESE DAYS IN THE U.K., ALL ROGUES HEAD 
TO LONDON. WHILE THE REST OF THE WORLD 
RECOGNIZES THE GLOBE-TROTTING ADVANCES 
OF LIZ AND HUGH, KEN AND EMMA AND NAOMI 
AND KATE, THE CURRENT BRIT STARS ARE 
MORE INCLINED TO HAVE THE WORLD COME TO 
THEM. AND WHY SHOULDN'T THEY BE? FROM 
SNOTTY DESIGNERS TO ARCH BEAUTIES, THEY 
ARE CULTURAL AMBASSADORS WHO DON'T NEC- 
ESSARILY CARE ABOUT BEING DIPLOMATIC. 
HERE'S A LIST OF THE JEWELS IN THE CROWN 
FOR WHOM KNIGHTHOOD IS STILL DECADES AWAY 


He is best 
known in America for 
mimicking Michael Jack- 

son onstage at Earls 
5 Court during an awards 
telecast. In the U.K., he's 
best known as the fey lead 
singer of the slacker band 
Pulp. His insouciant stylc 
may catch on in the States. 
Then again, it may not. Ei- 
ther way, says Cocker, “I don't 
really want it CHEN on my 
tombstone that I was the per- 
son who waggled his arse at Michael Jackson.” 

Recently, this 27-year-old bad boy 
was named chief designer of the venerable house of 
Givenchy. At one time, McQueen was on the dole. Then 
he invented bumster trousers—pants that look two sizes 
too large and scoot down around the buttocks. Alex, 
who's a dead ringer for the Three Stooges Curly, 
says | he has “no respect for Hubert de Givenchy.” 

۷ : This heavenly creature's star turns 


in Sense and Sensibility, „Jude and Hamlet have made 
the actress the most intoxicating British export 


since Julie Christie. "She's a natural," says Ken- 
neth Branagh, who directed Winslet in Hamlet. 
"She's just bloody good at what she docs." 

It took this director 20 films (Naked and 
Life Is Sweet among them) to get noticed, but the 
old man of the new guard finally copped his Os- 
car nominations this year for Secrets and Lies. 
Dor't worry, folks: Hel never go Hollywood. 

JOHN + ОМАШ, DA 

The filmmaking trio of screenwriter Hodge, 
producer MacDonald and director Boyle is at 

the vanguard of a revived British movie in- 
dustry. Their hit Trainspotting has already 
grossed $70 million worldwide, and has crit- 

ics wondering if it's the first Britpop movie. 
Check out pue early effort, Shallow Grave. 

N : He's the London artist who 

puts дей апилак iA formaldehyde. Why is 

it considered high art? Simple, Hirst says— 

irs in a gallery 


Clockvise from top: 
The art world had a cow ot Domien 
Hirst's exhibit, Stello McCartney counts Kote Moss and 
Noomi Compbell omong her friends, Mike Leigh is chompion 
of the workingmon, Jorvis Cocker of Pulp—he's bad. Be- 
low, blue-eyed blue blood Stello Tennont strikes a pose. 
Ni RNBY: London loves Nick Hornby, the Brit 
writer most likely to score next in the States. Fever 
Pitch is a memoir of his life as a soccer fan and 
Hi h Fidelity y is his first novel. 

T: The eyebrowless übermodel is 
Chanel’ 5 new face. Every article about the 26- 
year-old mentions that she’s also an aristo- 
crat. "That happens to be a fact,” says the 
granddaughter of the Duke and Duchess 

[on Devonshire. “It’s a horrible label." 

Ё This past spring Mc- 
Cartney, 25, became the youngest chief 
designer ever at Chloé, the French cou- 
turier. She's also the daughter of Paul Mc- 
Cartney. "Let's hope she's as gifted as her 
father” says designer Karl Lagerfeld. 

РАТ: SIT: The 29-year-old actress wed 

Oasis singer Liam Gallagher in April. 
Kensit, tagged Prozac Patsy by The Inde- 

| pendent, has been married twice before, to 

| Big Audio Dynamite's Dan Donovan and 
to Simple Minds’ Jim Kerr. 


102 


HALLOWEEN NIGHT in latex. In London. What do you have to 

lose? In my hometown of Los Angeles, rubber wear is a hot 
trend bordering on couture, but we have a squeaky thing or 
two to learn from the Brits. The fetish that was once a private 
turn-on has now become 
an international, public 
fashion statement. Rub- 
ber has made nightlife 
bounce again. 

The planet's most sex- 
drenched Halloween 
party takes place in Lon- 
don at the annual Skin 
I] your way into с hot venue. Liggers are people M Two Rubber Ball, and 

who've pulled off a successtul scom, or lig. there is no better place to 
Ц And deck deities are Dis. So when itcomesto [I expand your own erotic 
| London's mercurio! nightlife, oct important, sensitivities. Thankfully, 

perfect your occent and join the queue. rubber is playful and 
doesn't require the same 

commitment as B&D or 
leather gear. Its couture 


cachet appeals to women, DEAN KUIPERS RIPS THE FOIL 
and these events "part OFF LONDON’S LATEX SCENE 


runway show, part night- 
club— present them with 
an opportunity for wild release. I had the good fortune to be in Lon- 
don for the 1996 Rubber Ball at the Hammersmith Palais, so I scur- 
ried out under the cover of night to party with the pervs (the wonder- 
ful Brit term for fetishists). I woke from a wild night out with the 
following tips for those bold souls who might want to attend this 
October's pervery: 

Plan ahead. There are more fetish boutiques in London than any- 
where else in Europe. Virgin Group chairman Richard Branson 
even mentioned touring them with Pamela Anderson. Such stores 
as Murray & Vern, Skin Two, Ectomorph and Libidex feature the 
house ond breakbeols keep the air-condi- best rubber and fetish designers. Even so, when 1 tried to get out- 
tioned lounge equally coal. fitted the day of the ball, I ran around in a panic with the store 

. listings from the back pages of Skin Two magazine to 

THE HANOVER GRAND (6 Honaver find that every store had been cleaned out. No joke: There 
Ы Street, W1, 0171-499-7977): Ws close to [J were only a few shirts with torn-out zippers, shorts that would 
fit a sumo wrestler and full-body sea-diving suits left hanging 

on otherwise bare 

— racks. I hadn't 
brought my rubber 

wear from the U.S., 

which was dumb, be- 

cause the stuff can be expensive. I 

couldn't even find a garden-variety rub- 
ber shirt or crappy throwaway PVC jeans. 

Swallow your pride and improvise. 1 scored 
one of my favorite outfits of all time at a gay 
London fetish store called Regulation. I bought 
a blaze-orange jumpsuit and orange shoelaces. I 
wore the suit with the side zippers open and a black 
jockstrap underneath. It worked. A German guy and 
his statuesque girl gave me props with a muttered 
“Teuer, teuer" ("Cool, cool") as I passed by. 

Bring a date. Fashion may be the fetish (as my friend 
Trash likes to say), but the fetish itself is overtly sexual. 
Even if you have no idea of what you'd like to do in the 

bubble-wrap diaper you're wearing, or who you'd like 

to doit with, you're going to get a few ideas as soon as 
you rub up against 4000 half-naked techno-grooving 
Во регуз. Especially in London, because the celebrants 
5 are generally gorgeous. With a long tradition of less 
prudish attitudes toward nudity, the European fetish 
balls draw incredibly attractive people. For instance, 
there was a young Scandinavian woman, beautiful and 
bald. She was smiling beatifically, her whole body 
shaved, and she wore only shoes and a collar. A 


. 
BLUE NOTE (1 Hoxton Square, М1, 0171- 
729-8440): The most musicolly vibront spot 
in town features everything from jazz to tech- 
[] no. Word of mouth is thot it's either the epi- 
center of cool or so in it's almost out. 


. 
MET BAR о! ihe Metropolitan Hotel (Old 
Park Lone, W1, 0171-808-8188): Order 


celebrities as the Spice Girls, Yosmin Le Bon 
Ц ond Malcolm McLaren. 

. 
THE END (160 West Central Street, МҰСТ, 


HEAVEN (Under the Arches, Vil- 
liers Street, WC2, 0171-839- 


ic Room, or you соп heod lo the 
Alchemy Bar for ambient sounds. 


E 

LA 2 (157 Choring Cross Road, 
WC2, 0171-434-0403): This popular 
indie-rocking club hos live acts on 


Peach 


chic. Mix 


three оз. 


was opened as medio- ond film-types’ vodka with 


Ц answer to old, stuffy gentlemen's clubs. 


Ya oz. each 


peach schnopps 


. 

MINISTRY OF SOUND (103 Gount 
Street, SEI, 0171-378-6528): Ever 
Ы been іп on oircroft hongor? Here's о 


ond peach nectar. 


lemon twist ond 


pretend you're at 


the Met Bar. 


man led her around the 
dance floor by a leash. 1 al- 
so fell in love with a 
gorgeous redhead 

who wore a thin- 


$ 
8 
3 
H 
5 
8 
5 
8 
E 


OVERT SEX ACTS and No 

RUDERY signs are easy го ignore. At balls 
on both sides of the Adlanuic, I've seen 
people engaged in all kinds of sex acts 
The most blatant scene on Halloween 


strap harness that 


and sneaked right up‏ لپ 
the gap of her shaved vulva‏ 


outlined her breasts 


She danced all night long with an- 
other woman who was swinging a riding. 
crop over her own head. As you might 
imagine, all these naked strangers can 


Originally fram Manchester, the Chemi- 
cal Brothers (CD at left) built a following 
by DJing their own brand of electronica 
and breakbeats at the Heavenly Social in 
revived Clerkenwell. Last year, Morchee- 
ba (CD at right) burst onto the scene be- 
hind the languid singing of East Londan- 
er Skye Edwards. Can you spell Sade? 


was this guy who held an attractive girl 
on his lap. She wore a cartoonish baby- 
doll dress—minus bra and panties 
Both his hands were in her crotch, and 
he twiddled her hugely distended cli- 
toris absently at all passersby. A photog- 
rapher knelt before her and she just 
kept smiling. Then she made like she 


make a young traveler lonely. I danced 
long hours, lost among revelers in various states of undress 
and public displays of lust. The moral is, unless you find 
some enlightened group action, you're not going to get any. 
Like most balls, the London event broke down to couples in 
Corners and knots of diehards on the dance floor. Leave by 
two A.N. This is the lonely hour. 

Don't be afraid to invite someone to a ball. Y asked several co- 
workers and acquaintances to go at the last minute, and de 
spite the Brits’ reputation for stodginess, none of them 
seemed put out. Everyone has their secret fantasies and you 
never know when you might bump right into them. 

The bigger the balls, the belter. At a 4000-person ball, the no 


was going to squirt the camera. 

The later it is, the more naked ü gets. This is especially true for 
women. A lot of first-timers discover how safe and lib- 
erating these events are, then go back to the 
coat check to dump cumbersome 
bras and panties. I waited in a line 
for a stall in the men's room with two 
totally naked women in stiletto heels, 
and I saw a man and a woman duck in- 
to a stall and emerge wearing consider- 
ably less than they had going in. It’s a 
calm, cool feeling to share bathrooms and 
typically private (concluded on page 146) 


PLAYBOY 


104 


ON MARS cuni rom poge 84 


On Mars, the astronauts would live for more than a 
year, moving between three habitats on the surface. 


exploring the solar system. Boston had 
worked for NASA but left to form her 
own nonprofit corporation. She also 
wasan adjunct professor atthe Univer- 
sity of New Mexico and a visiting scien- 
tist at the National Center for Atmo- 
spheric Research. Welch was a highly 
regarded lab instrumentation engi- 
neer. Meyer owned an engineering 
firm and was a professional research 
assistant at the university. Emmart was 
a skilled technical artist at Ames Re- 
search, specializing in Mars mission 
concepts, when he wasn't working on a 
picture book that featured his collec- 
tion of Barbie dolls. Mars wasn't just a 
pipe dream anymore. 

“The problem with the mission plans 
up to that point," Zubrin says, "was 
that they were focused on realizing the 
science fiction vision of the giant inter- 
planetary spaceship rather than actual- 
ly geuing to Mars or doing anything 
useful on arrival." 

Until then, the sketchy NASA Mars 
plans, based in part on some of the ear- 
ly Mars Underground labor, called for 
huge cyding spaceships that would 
move in a perpetual orbit between 
earth and Mars around the sun. The 
group envisioned assembling giant 
spacecraft at NASA's proposed space 
stations; the space agency wanted 
moon bases with launching require- 
ments that were minimal compared 
with earth's; and a fleet of ambitious 
space vessels to make the initial jour- 
ney (arguing that this would assure the 
necessary redundancy and space res- 
cue capability demanded of a long- 
term mission). The crew would have to 
be extensively trained for what were 
claimed to be the most stressful condi- 
tions ever voluntarily experienced by 
travelers. To transport them, the ships 
would have to be spacious, triple- 
shielded from harmful radiation and 
spinning on a central axis to provide 
artificial gravity—hence avoiding the 
hazards of long-term weightlessness. 
Zubrin saw that such a project would 
keep getting pushed into the future be- 
cause it was simply too expensive. His 
scorn for these notions comes out in his 
shorthand designations for them: the 
Battlestar Galactica Plan and the 
Queen Elizabeth Galactica Megaplan. 

“The fact that it would take forever 
to get to Mars that way doesn't matter 
because the room service would be 
wonderful." he says. 

In 1989 President George Bush said 


America ought to go to Mars soon, but. 
the plan NASA came up with had a 
price tag of $450 billion. Zubrin calls 
that proposal “idiotic.” Placing the 
enormous expense and design prob- 
lems up front meant any Mars project 
was doomed. 

"It was like saying to Columbus, 
*Why risk your life on a ship? Why not 
just wait until we have a bridge?" 
Zubrin says. "I believe we will eventual- 
ly have the cycler and the fancy space- 
ships, but only after we have estab- 
lished a human settlement on Mars. 
"There was no need for the Brooklyn 
Bridge until there were enough people 
in Manhattan and Brooklyn who want- 
ed to get to the other side." 

Apollo had conditioned space scien- 
tists and the agency to discount "sprint 
missions" to Mars. The red planet was 
not just a "flags and footprints" desti- 
nation. Instead, people were thinking 
in terms of big, long-term projects. 
Zubrin, who by now had earned two 
master's degrees and was working for 
Martin Marietta, had his first revela- 
tion. One of the design problems for a 
Mars craft was building a ship big 
enough to carry both a crew and a ful- 
ly fueled return vessel. It occurred to 
the young engineer as he sat up at 
night in his home office that the return 
vessel could not only be launched sepa- 
rately but years in advance ofthe crew. 
A second revelation followed. A key 
way to reduce mission weight and cost 
would be to manufacture the return 
propellant on Mars. But the absence of 
hydrogen on Mars prohibited this 
manufacture. Why not just take the hy- 
drogen along? It was extremely light- 
weight and accounted for only about 
five percent of the fuel mix. NASA 
could send the return vessel to Mars 
first, with the hydrogen, and then 
monitor it from earth as it robotically 
manufactured fuel. (Hydrogen would 
react with the planet's carbon dioxide 
atmosphere to make methane and wa- 
ter. The water would be split into oxy- 
gen and hydrogen.) That way there 
would be a fully fueled return vehicle 
waiting for the crew when it arrived 
on Mars. 

Zubrin's plan was essentially a sprint. 
mission with a permanent goal: getting 
there. Establish a foothold, he said, and 
build from there. 

The plan called for launching a new 
Ares booster assembled from the space 
shuttle's engines and solid boosters. Its 


empty return vehicle would land ro- 
botically on Mars six months later and 
begin manufacturing methane-and- 
oxygen rocket fuel. When instruments 
indicated that the return vessel's tanks 
were filled with methane and oxygen, 
NASA would launch two more rockets 
to Mars. One of these two boosters 
would carry a second return vehicle, 
and the other would carry a crew of 
four astronauts. 

On Mars, the astronauts would live 
and work for more than a year, moving 
between the three habitats on the sur- 
face (the two return vehicles and their 
original ship). They would leave be- 
hind the first Mars base, a habitation 
module containing their living quar- 
ters, as well as a greenhouse, power 
and chemical plants and a store of sci- 
entific instruments. The next crew 
would arrive shortly after the first crew 
returned, and add on to the Mars base. 

“We gradually develop a string of 
minibases on Mars, which grow natu- 
rally into a full-scale human settle- 
ment," says Zubrin. A key convert to 
this plan would be McKay. 

“I was especially impressed with the 
idea of taking the hydrogen along," 
says McKay. "It was so simple. To that. 
point, we had been devising complex 
answers to the problem of manufactur- 
ing hydrogen on Mars. We were con- 
sumed with the idea that everything 
had to come from Mars. Bob's solution 
was less elegant, but it got the job done 
directly.” 

The grand designs for planetary ex- 
ploration, the search for traces of life, 
the Mars colony, the first true Martians 
(children born on the red planet), и 
raforming, giant cycling ships to carry 
people and cargo back and forth—all 
those would spring from Zubrin's first, 
stripped-down mission. You don't take 
the tree to Mars, you take the seed. 
Zubrin called it Mars Direct. 

“I really loved that word,” says McKay. 
“Direct. It’s the essence of Bob's 
brilliance.” 

Zubrin and his colleague David Ва- 
ker formally presented the plan to the 
Mars Underground at the fourth con- 
ference, the people Zubrin had ad- 
mired from a distance for years. 
“These were exciting people, impres- 
sive people,” he says. “They had esprit 
de corps; they had a lot of moxie. I 
liked them. It was a group 1 wanted to 
be a part of." After the presentation, 
the Underground embraced him. 

"We've done it!" Zubrin remembers 
Boston telling him excitedly. "We're 
there!" 

Well, not exactly. The $40 billion 
over ten years is still a lot of money ata 
time when Washington is determined 
to balance the budget and cut taxes. 

(concluded on page 108) 


“Pin not a sheepher 
ona 


‚der. 
Й 


I just got fixed ир 
date!” 


IN THE WORLD of sneakers, there is no such thing as looking 

back. There is only looking forward—or down, as with to- 

day's high-tops and air-cushioned runners. Never mind the 

swooshes and stripes. These days, manufacturers sell soles. 

They have made some truly remarkable advances in sneak- 

Mer construction that will help improve your time or game. 

But they're not beyond appealing to your vanity to expand 

their share of the $6.9 billion sneaker business. That's why 

you'll see some of the wildest and most colorful designs оп 

Fashion hy HOLLIS WAYNE 
TECH SHOES 

MOVE FORWARD 


BY LEAPS 
AND BOUNDS 


the bottoms of the shoes. The only thing these partially hid- 
den status symbols are missing is a Mylar treadmill. From 
left to right: The cross-trainer from Nose ($85) is from the 
Oaopuss series. The rubber moon shoe-style bumps are for 
extended wear. Next, the DMX Run running shoe from 
Reebok ($110) features active air-flow technology. The mo- 
tion of the runner alters the cushioning and stability of the 
sole in mid stride. Somewhat harder hitting is the Air Baker 
Mid uaining shoe from Nike ($100). The strap provides a 
1 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155 


snug fit and the polyurethane midsole works with a visible 
Air-Sole to cushion the heel. Tommy Hilfiger already owns a 
big chunk of the street, and now he wants the part you run 
on. Hilfiger's lightweight TH running shoe ($85) features a 
gillie lacing system. The Air-Sole cushion in Nike’s Air Max 
Tailwind II running shoe ($120) is positioned for maximum 
heel support and visibility. Completing our lineup of air can- 
dy is the Silva Trainer from Fila ($90). Its Lego-like sole 
uses Fila's space-age technology at the heel and forefoot 


PLAYBOY 


108 


ON MARS cue jrompage 104) 


If life exists on Mars it won't be found growing on 
the surface. It'll be deep underground, or in rocks. 


Consider how the times have changed. 
Project Apollo cost roughly $600 billion 
(in today's dollars) over eight years— 
about five percent of the national bud- 
get. But back then, Cold War logic 
compelled the sacrifice. That competi- 
tive urgency evaporated with the Sovi- 
et Union's collapse. America today 
faces a confusing world of shifting 
trade balances and Third World 
calamity. Zubrin would like to cut the 
$40 billion cost in half, as proposed in 
his book The Case for Mars, which sold 
out its third hardcover printing (a 
screenplay is in the works). He invokes 
the ghost of historian Frederick Jack- 
son Turner, arguing that the American 
character needs a frontier. Zubrin sees 
space as essential to America's long- 
term spiritual survival. Such millennial 
thinking may inspire the next presi- 
dent, who will assume office in 2001. Al 
Gore is a forward thinker—Zubrin 
hopes there's a kindred spi 
but he's covering his poli 
Gore and House Speaker Newt Gin- 
grich have discussed establishing a 
Mars Prize—a $20 billion award to the 
first private organization to land a crew 
on Mars and safely return it to earth. 

NASA has adopted Zubrin's plan as а 
reference point for its Mars planning. 
In a March press release, the agency 
announced that Surveyor, scheduled to 
be launched to Mars in 2001, will carry 
equipment to perform "an in-situ 
demonstration test of rocket propellant 
production using gases in the Martian 
atmosphere.” The red planet is so close 
that Zubrin can almost taste it. When 
he presented his proposal in a speech 
to the National Space Society, the audi- 
ence gave him a standing ovation, and 
the host lifted Zubrin's hand over his 
head like a winning boxer. 

“It will happen in my lifetime,” he 
says. “Oh yeah, absolutely. To quote 
Susan B. Anthony, ‘Failure is impossi- 
ble. It's impossible because Mars is 
there. It's the frontier. It’s staring 
NASA and America in the face. We 
would be less than true to ourselves if 
we didn't go. Whenever I speak to 
groups about it, people come up to me 
afterward and say, ‘Why aren't we do- 
ing this? This is the sort of thing this 
country ought to be doing!" 

As much as Chris McKay admires 
Zubrin's engineering genius and pro- 
motional zeal, he thinks the Mars Prize 
and Zubrin's social science rhetoric are 
a little over-the-top. 


*His parallel with the development 
of the American frontier is wrong," 
McKay says. "The story of the Ameri- 
can West was one of conquest, not of a 
frontier in the sense of a place like 
Mars. Humans knew how to live in the 
Western U.S. long before the white 
man arrived. It was just a matter of 
killing off the natives and taking their 
land. Mars is nothing like that. Mars is 
a totally foreign, hostile environment." 

Deprived of their dream to explore a 
new planet, McKay and Boston now 
spend much of their middle-aged ca- 
reers going to the ends of this one. 
They are drawn to the most isolated, 
extreme locations on earth. McKay 
spends months every year in Antarcti- 
ca, where he has discovered that the 
stress of living with a small group of 
people in confined spaces for long pe- 
riods can be more difficult than even 
an exiremely frigid environment. He, 
Boston and other scientists descended 
1567 feet into Lechuguilla, the 90- 
mile-long New Mexico cave carved out 
by subterranean waters laced with sul- 
furic acid (Mars is thick with sulfur), 
rappelling down sheer rock walls, 
crawling through narrow tunnels—a 
trip Boston likens to "visiting another 
planet.” And in the coldest, deepest, 
darkest places, they find life. Boston 
shows off electron microscope photos 
of organic material gathered from the 
sulfuric depths of Lechuguilla. McKay, 
in his California office, splits open a 
rock he brought back from Antarctica 
to show a faint layer of pale-green fuzz, 
algae thriving inside the stone. 

“Viking was hopelessly naive in that 
respect,” Boston says, remembering 
her disappointment at seeing no Mar- 
tian giraffes. Since the 1976 mission, an 
entire field of biology has sj 
around “extremophiles,” 
that thrive where, just 20 years ago, no- 
body guessed they could—inside boil- 
ing-hot vents on the ocean floor, in vol- 
canic blast zones, in frozen rocks. Iflife 
exists on Mars it won't be found grow- 
ing on the surface. It'll be deep under- 
ground, or in rocks—as with the con- 
troversial fossil tracings inside the 
Martian meteorite. "In my heart of 
hearts, I know those are traces of life," 
Boston says. 

Ultimately, to find life on Mars will 
mean going there. Boston, who is now 
in her 40s, has given up hope of doing 
that herself. "When I was in my 20s, I 
thought I would be living there by 


now,” she says wistfully. 

Meyer works out every day to stay in 
shape, in case the opportunity arises. 
Emmart uses his computer graphics 
skills for scientific visualization at 
NCAR and is already dreaming of what. 
comes after Mars. McKay is less san- 
guine. He says he doesn't remember 
telling anybody Mars could happen in 
just six years—"I'm not usually the op- 
timistic one of the group." At this point 
he thinks the chances of it happening 
in his lifetime are slim. 

But all agree it will happen. Explo- 
ration is a defining feature of humani- 
ty. One of the ways mammals differ 
from reptiles is in their compulsion to 
be on the move, to hunt for food, to 
size up their surroundings. Humans 
have always spread out to inhabit avail- 
able space—spreading, in more misan- 
thropic terms, like a fungus. For now, 
we must learn to live within earth's 
generous but finite limits. But is the 
outward adventure really over? 1п the 
long term, does humanity huddle here 
in its small corner of the universe and 
wait for the next asteroid impact, or for 
the eventual demise of the sun? 

Ultimately, survival will compel our 
species to spread out. First to Mars, 
then beyond. The question for us is, do 
we want to be alive to see it? 

“There's no urgency," says McKay. 
He is content to know that whenever 
the voyage is made, his fingerprints 
will be on it. "People forget that Apollo 
was in a race to the moon. Ihe idea was 
to get there first. Getting to Mars is 
more like a marriage. It's a long-term 
Project involving international cooper- 
ation. The object of a marriage is not to 
get to the end as fast as possible. Mars 
isn't going anywhere. When the cir- 
cumstances are right, it will happen, 
and we'll be ready.” 

For Zubrin, greatness lies in more 
than being ready. His charisma has 
bound together the group’s years of 
work and moved it to a new level of in- 
terest and acceptance. There are some 
in the Underground who grumble that 
Zubrin, who expropriated the phrase 
Case for Mars for the title of his book, is 
becoming bigger than the movement. 
But mostly, the group is magnanimous. 
Zubrin is good for Mars. His spirit is in- 
fectious. As he wound down his oration 
to the National Space Society, feeling 
that hushed hall of eager ears fully 
alive to his words, the former Brooklyn 
schoolteacher invoked the funeral ora- 
tion of Pericles, telling the crowd that if 
America seizes its moment, if America 
builds the first extraplanetary colony 
in this generation: “Future ages will 
wonder at us, even as the present age 
‘wonders at us now.” 


eur memorable 
bunny playmate is still 
the pride of new jersey 


T was 1969 and the Garden State 

was a different world. The Mead- 

owlands was just a marsh, Atlantic 

City hadn't any slot machines in 
sight and Springsteen had yet to extol 
the charms of Asbury Park. But along 
came Helena Antonaccio—bona fide 
Jersey girl—who forever changed the 
way we feel about smokestacks and 
turnpikes. When Helena first made 
our acquaintance she had just lost out 
on a wig modeling gig. She wandered 
into the New York Playboy Club and 
asked about a job. The Door Bunny 
passed her on to the Bunny Mother, 
who interviewed her, and hired her on 
the spot. In the end, Helena had lost a 
hair job—but landed a hare job. From 
there, her move to our centerfold 
(June 1969) happened in, well, a hop. 
When she was а Playmate (below), Helena 


began studying astrolagy. Twenty-eight 
years later (right), she’s just as heavenly. 


reviso: MELENA ANTONACCIO . 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BUNNY YEAGER 


Cameros are still very much a part of Helena's world. She models for catalogs and posters, sells her pin-ups an the Internet, participates 
in Glamourcon und recently hooked up with veteran PLAYBOY photographer Bunny Yeager [above left) for this series of new pictures. 
“My career is blossaming all over again," Helena says proudly. “Then again, once you become a Playmate, you are specicl for life.” 


PLAYBOY 


112 


Deadly Morals (continued from page 82) 


“The DEA agents show up like a blitz in their black jack- 
els. They'll scare the you-know-what out of a doctor.” 


registered prescription forms that have 
multiple copies: The doctor retains 
one, the pharmacist keeps one and the 
third copy is sent to state health or nar- 
cotics-control agencies. Studies show 
that doctors in these states have de- 
creased the amounts of Schedule 11 
drugs they prescribe by 40 percent to 
60 percent. Possibly, some of the drugs 
had been diverted and the crackdown 
was actually successful. But studies also 
have shown that doctors in these states 
increased their prescribing of less-reg- 
ulated painkillers by almost the same 
percentages. These alternative drugs 
are often less effective in treating pain 
and can also be more dangerous to pa- 
tients than are Schedule II drugs. 

The scrutiny has led doctors to ra- 
tion pain medicine and ignore pain— 
necessary restraint in a world of diver- 
sion, enforcers would have us believe. 
"Even if you treat a patient with a ter- 
minal malignancy, it's irresponsible to 
write a prescription for 500 Dilaudid 
tablets," says Dr. James Winn, execu- 
tive vice president of the Federation of 
State Medical Boards. "If the patient 
dies three days later, in a legitimate 
family the rest should be flushed down 
the commode. But sometimes a family 
member picks them up. We have a ma- 
jor drug problem in this country, and a 
lot of it comes from doctors." 

The DEA provides no detailed 
record of the amount of diverted pre- 
scription drugs it recovers each year. 
"The agency also lacks comprehensive 
data on the origin of the medication it 
seizes. Thus, despite Dr. Winn's assess- 
ment, there is little evidence to suggest 
that the narcotics which originate in 
doctors’ offices are the same drugs 
which wind up on the street. In fact, 
DEA officials concede that the majori- 
ty of black-market narcotics originate 
from crime rings in foreign countries, 
where the drugs аге manufactured 
illegally. 

° 


In February ODC director Gene 
Haislip retired after 17 years, leaving 
behind an agency known for its intimi- 
dation tactics. Haislip maintains that le- 
gitimate prescribing has not been de- 
terred at all by his policies. “I don't 
believe doctors would not prescribe be- 
cause of there being a government re- 
port any more than they would not 
make money because they have to re- 


port it on their income tax," he claimed 
confidently in a speech that outraged 
doctors. 

Despite this shaky analogy, the IRS 
doesn't destroy your livelihood, it sim- 
ply takes a portion of it. A РЕА fine, or 
even a protracted state medical board 
investigation, can threaten your med- 
ical practice, your income and the well- 
being of your patients. A state board 
ruling nearly ruined Dr. McNiel's life. 
A family practitioner who ran an out- 
patent clinic in Mosheim, Tennessee, 
McNiel vividly remembers the day he 
was first targeted. "In 1992 an investi- 
gator with a badge walked into my of- 
fice and said I was under investigation. 
She had a list of patients and said she 
wanted to look at charts. She dug 
around for a few days, then disap- 
peared." As McNiel puts it, her visit 
"encased the office in ice." 

Working for 15 years asa missionary 
doctor in Honduras and Nicaragua, 
McNiel had witnessed all kinds of in- 
justices. But nothing could have рге- 
pared him for what happened next. 
More than a year later, he received an 
official envelope that contained a long 
list of charges: “The only thing it didn't. 
include was rape because they didn't 
think of it. They make you out to be the 
scum of the earth. This is devastating 
to a person's self-esteem." The medical 
board brought charges against McNiel 
of nontherapeutic prescribing in the 
cases of ten patients, in addition to 
mentioning, without any explanation, 
"other cases too numerous to count." 
"The board, seemingly making no effort 
to conceal its arbitrary methods, also 
proposed more than $20,000 in fines. 

National data suggest that such ad- 
ministrative intimidation is wide- 
spread. In 1994 state medical boards 
took action against 434 physicians for 
prescribing in violation of state medical 
practice acts, according to the Federa- 
tion of State Medical Boards. However, 
the DEA, which often works with state 
medical boards, pursued only six crim- 
inal cases against doctors in 1994, ac- 
cording to information obtained from 
a database of Justice Department files. 
Ofthese, only one doctor, from Puerto 
Rico, was found guilty. 

"The data from 1995 are similar. State 
medical boards took 392 actions 
against doctors for prescription viola- 
tions. Only 11 cases were pursued by 
the feds that year, but there were no 


criminal findings. Two of the cases 
were dismissed because of minimal fed- 
eral interest. The picture is the same at 
the state level. Last year in New York, 
the Bureau of Controlled Substances 
adjudicated 36 cases against doctors. 
However, 14 were civil cases, 14 had no 
charges issued and there was a smatter- 
ing of warnings. Only one case was 
criminal. 

"Though these numbers seem small, 
each doctor works in a close-knit com- 
munity. The flash of a badge can send 
shock waves through a hospital 
state, and indelibly change pres g 
habits. Some doctors in New York still 
shudder when they think of Dr. Ronald 
Blum, former deputy director of the 
Kaplan Cancer Center at New York 
University. In 1987 two state drug 
agents with guns and badges arrived at 
Dr. Blum's office. Though Blum was 
not arrested, the agents threatened to 
slap him with three record-keeping vi- 
olations. Eighteen months later, he re- 
ceived a letter of warning and the in- 
vestigation against him was dismissed. 
Nonetheless, Blum's "case" was used to 
bolster the statistics on state drug 
crackdowns. 

The DEA, for its part, is quick to 
point out that its drop-ins on doctors 
are not arrests. Ап agency spokesper- 
son explains: "It is important for peo- 
ple to realize that just because the DEA 
initiates an action, that doesn't mean 
there's criminal activity." Which is just 
the point. 

A lawyer in Austin, Texas who has 
defended numerous doctors from 
overprescribing charges describes the 
agency's numbers game: *The DEA 
agents show up like a blitz, unan- 
nounced, in their little black jackets. 
They'll scare the you-know-what out of 
a doctor and get him to surrender his 
DEA registration. They get instant re- 
sults for their own data, and they make 
a quick bunch of money for the gov- 
ernment, a $25,000 fine. But the doc- 
tor is screwed, because he doesn't have 
his DEA number and can't reapply for 
a year. When he does, the medical 
board says, ‘You gave up your DEA 
number. You must have done some- 
thing wrong.” It is a rare doctor who, 
when threatened with these sorts of. 
grave charges, will refuse to surrender 
his registration. 

The Mississippi medical board that 
heard McFadden's case makes it clear 
that it hails administrative citations as 
victories. "We are number one in the 
country for bringing the most discipli- 
nary actions per 1000 physicians," says 
Dr. Thomas Stevens, the board's exec- 
utive officer. "I'm not proposing that 
we're the best in the world. But it 


PLAYBOY 


114 


might be a sign that we do a good job." 
Zealotry aside, the board's complaint 
counsel, Stan Ingram, contends that 
the hearings are fair. "The board mem- 
bers trying the case play no role in the 
investigation and have little knowledge 
of the facts prior to the hearing," he 
explains. In fact, a board member who 
is McFadden's neighbor was permitted 
to recuse himself; thus due process was 
protected. 

Nonetheless, McFadden's son-in-law, 
Sean Milner, a Jackson, Mississippi- 
based attorney, was appalled by the bla- 
tant conflicts of interest that riddled 
the hearing. For example, a state inves- 
tigator collected the evidence and In- 
gram prosecuted the case; both are on 
the board's payroll. *It's the kind of 
justice you see in third world coun- 
tries," Milner says. "The judges are the 
investigators. They hire the prosecutor. 
"They sit as the jury, plus referee the 
match. How many cases do you think 
they lose?" 

"The board did not demonstrate that 
patients had complained. It presented 
no evidence that McFadden had 
harmed patients. The board did enter 
evidence that McFadden kept incom- 
plete records. On several occasions, for 
example, he prescribed from home 
when his patents had crises, then 
failed to enter those prescriptions into 
his office records. Yet the board's med- 
ical expert, a neurosurgeon, never ad- 
dressed recordkeeping. Instead, he de- 
bated one of McFadden's diagnoses, 
then testified that in his opinion, Mc- 
Fadden had treated his patients in 
good faith. 

“1 don't want to use the term witch- 
hunt, but I dor't know how else to de- 
scribe the Board of Medical Licen- 
sure," says a pharmacist who used to 
fill McFadden's prescriptions. McFad- 
den has begun the arduous process of 
appealing the board's ruling. 

It is now probably casier for a drug 
addict to buy black-market prescrip- 
tions on a street corner than it is for 
Dewberry to obtain a legal prescription 
for Vicodin. Meanwhile, there is no ev- 
idence that this policy has slowed real 
diversion, according to Dr. James Coo- 
рет, associate director of the clinical 
services research division at the Na- 
tional Institute on Drug Abuse. "It's 
misleading to say that diversion comes 
only from prescribing. The research 
data aren't available. No one knows the 
nature and extent of diversion from 
doctors’ offices, thefts, forgeries and 
smuggling.” 

On paper, the DEA supports the use 
of opioids to treat pain patients. Its 
1990 Physician’s Manual states that nar- 
сонс analgesics have “a legitimate clini- 
cal use and the physician should not 


hesitate to prescribe, dispense or ad- 
minister them when they are indicated 
for a legitimate medical purpose." In 
reality, the agency's crackdown has 
been so complete that obtaining legal 
pain medicine has become practically 
an underground activity. On August 
10, 1996 the Virginia Board of Medi- 
cine revoked Dr. William Hurwitz’ li- 
cense, claiming he had overprescribed 
opioids. Many of his 220 patients, who 
suffer intractable pain and came from 
around the country to see him, have 
been unable to find new doctors. Sev- 
eral patients are being tracked by DEA 
agents; they speak to one another 
through Web sites. Two committed sui- 
cide because of the prospect of untreat- 
ed pain. One recorded a final video- 
tape, saying that his inability to find 
pain relief led him to seek death. 

Dr. Hurwitz, 51, who obtained a law 
degree after he was first investigated in 
1991, believes the state shouldn't inter- 
fere with a patient's right to treatment: 
"It is important to assess patient rcli- 
ability. But I refuse to hold a moral 
screen over eligibility for medical 
care." Although some of his patients 
had prior addiction histories, he issued 
them prescriptions for clear medical 
needs. "I wanted to make sure that 
people were as functional and comfort- 
able as possible," he says. “1 felt the 
sheer force of numbers would protect 
us, by illustrating the need for pain 
treatment." 

That illusion has been shattered. A 
dozen of his patients have contacted 
Dr. Jack Kevorkian in Detroit, who re- 
ceives several hundred calls a week 
from patients suffering from intolera- 
ble pain. In April, Susan T., a regis- 
tered nurse and a former Hu 
tient, sent Dr. Kevorkian her final set ol 
medical records. 

Years ago, she had been vital and 
athletic. But searing pain in her legs 
and buttocks from a botched gyneco- 
logical operation and a subsequent 
back injury left her unable to get out of 
bed. Her only relief came from Hur- 
witz, who had her up and walking with 
Percocet and morphine. Since his li- 
cense was revoked, she has called more 
than 15 doctors. Most refused to treat 
her after she disclosed her connection 
to Hurwitz. 

This experience led Susan to Ke- 
vorkian. She explains, "I'm pushing 
hard to get financial things in order, to 
set up a revocable trust and have my 
house cleaned out of extra stuff so my 
husband won't have to do it.” Of 
course, she could take another pa- 
tient's pain medication. But that would 
be diversion. "It's plain illegal and 
there's a line," says Susan. "Many 
things are worse than death. One of 


them is losing the last of your dignity.” 

Patients who need narcotics are of- 
ten given less-regulated alternatives 
that are far more dangerous. Doctors 
who fear scrutiny rely heavily on anti- 
inflammatory drugs such as arthritis 
pills, which can cause internal bleed- 
ing, liver damage and ulcers. One study 
has shown that these alternative med- 
ications kill 17,000 pain patients a year. 
Comparatively, the death rate from. 
narcotic painkillers is "vanishingly 
small," says Dr. Brian Goldman, a Uni- 
versity of Toronto researcher who has 
studied prescription drug diversion. 
“There is no gastrointestinal bleeding, 
or kidney or liver failure. An accidental 
death could be from respiratory fail- 
ure, but pain triggers you to breathe." 

Despite these facts, says Dr. Gold- 
man, "the underlying logic is that 
death is better than addiction. “Nar- 
cotics can addict you. The alternative 
drugs can kill you. Therefore, we 
should prescribe those." 

Doctors fear drug investigators— 
and with reason. А 1987 DEA study 
showed that in states with a triplicate 
monitoring system, only 21 percent to 
35 percent of physicians bothered to 
order the required forms. They simply 
chose never to prescribe drugs that 
created added scrutiny. As Michael 
"Iroyer, director of the National Chron- 
ic Pain Outreach Association, puts it, 
"Doctors do not want to be identified as 
treating pain patients for fear of being. 
investigated." 


In 1994 the DEA tried once again to 
augment its weaponry against legal 
narcotics. The agency drafted legisla- 
tion, the Controlled Substances Moni- 
toring Act, that would have required 
physicians to use government-issued 
prescription forms for all controlled 
substances. The Department of Health 
and Human Services deftly quashed 
the plan, noting that the DEA had sub- 
mitted no evidence that the scope of 
drug diversion required such "drastic 
action." This defeat signaled a subtle 
ebb in public opiophobia. 

Support for pain patients has been 
growing, partly fueled by outrage over 
regulatory excesses. Since 1989 ten 
states have passed intractable-pai: 
treatment acts, supporting the medici- 
nal use of narcotics for patients with se- 
vere pain. In Oregon, Republican state 
senator Bill Kennemer underwent a 
bitter personal experience that led him 
to sponsor what came to be known аз 
the Compassionate Care Act. In 1990 
his wife was diagnosed with terminal 
breast cancer, and she was in excruciat- 
ing pain. After her third day on mor- 
phine, her oncologist said he'd have to 

(concluded on page 165) 


TONS OF YOU-ORIENTED STUFF 


Mens 


Ten Steps to a 


à 1 DF E 1 
COLON OF STEEL 
There's a Light at 

the End of the Tunnel 


Walking 


IFs Not Just 
One Foot in Front 
of the Other 


Like There’s 
a Difference 


The 24 Hour 


WORKOUT 


How to Use Every 
Minute of Your 
Waking Day! 


Ёё 


Ws hormones, 
page 80. 


Bodybuilding 
Бопе „= 
bummer or 
lonis? ае 4 


za Чыў = 9 


VOLUME 18, NUMBER 3 


Maleglans How to get to know her gynecologist, how to measure 
your total penis, eight new uses for your shoehorn, how to keep up 
with your trophy wife, how to choosethe right wristband (or even 
the left onc). 


Erections During Gym Exercises Don't think "embarrassing gaffe,” 
think ^I must buy this Flexobar." How to get and maintain work- 
out woodies, negotiating the stationary bike, the importance of the 
spotter and more. 


4 The Absolutely Final Article We'll Run About Abs Also, the last time we 


mention fiber, our final word on ways to get laid and our last how- 
to piece about something you already do every day. Honest, we 
swear. Stop laughing. 


Anal Attentive How to wipe your ass. It's as easy as, well, wiping 
your ass. Pro's tip: Raise the cheek that's on the same side as the 
hand that's holding the paper! 


Pause Célébre Menopause begins with "men." Science now says 
that guys go through it, too. That means we can blame our 
tantrums, foul moods and sexual indifference on it and otherwise 
use itto our advantage. More than 130 ways. 


Travel What your luggage says about you, from “1 am being de- 
ported" to "Please rip me off." 


90 The Executive's Secret to Better Sex Pay for it! That way you decide 


when, and in which positions, and just what's “foreplay,” and 
whether she dresses up as a Girl Scout or as Ellen DeGeneres. 


The Hidden Benefits of Impotence "It's an ill wand that no one blows 
good." Some handy rationalizations for when your meat loafs. 


Twenty Low-Stress Jobs You Can Do Traffic monitor, art-class model, 
aquarium guard, swami, queue placeholder, Wal-Mart greeter, 
scarecrow, lab-test urine donor, lieutenant governor and more. 


42 Ask Men's Help! What it means when your proctologist cries “Eure- 


ka,” where to get your Barcalounger detailed, how to get your nuts 
out of a vise (you'd be surprised—we hope—at how often we get 
asked), making the most of the morning erection. 


к 


Fold or wad? 
Both work! 
page 76 


у 


pick. me- ups 
Zzzzzzowie 


Tired and listless? Have we got snooze for you 
ecling sluggish and fatigued? Beset by recurring 
drowsiness? Maybe it's time to consider sleep. It's more 
than just practicing for death, you know. Millions use it 
to refresh and restore their vitality and spirit. With these 

basic guidelines, it could work for you, too. 

Be regular. Establish a pattern, such as the same place and 
time each day; make a routine of it. 

Nocturnal mission. Nighttime's the right time. The fact is, 
it's quieter then, and darker, and it's probably the slowest part 
of your day anyway. 

Try lying down. Proved 90 percent more successful than sit- 
ting or standing. 

On a bed. Softer than the floor, safer than the ironing board. 


sly tech 


Working Stiffs 


A buyer's guide to penile implants that will keep your 
pump primed and vice versa 
Penile implants are the technological answers to 
several questions you may have been asking yourself 
lately. Here are some models that can help to pump 
(clap, clap) you up! 


ЕгесТесһ M11 Gorge Master ($1500) 
Known to aficionados as the Little 
Engine That Could, it's deceptively 
compact, with no unsightly bulge, 
numbness or shrill whistle when you 
hit the pressure release. This rig can 
take a wallop, if that's your idea of 
a good time, and the valve assembly 
is hardly noticeable, and rarely injurious, during 
foreplay. 
Majac Wand 7100 Endure ($2500) 
Nothing on the market provides a smoother ride 
than this “Cadillac of cockware,” which can be pro- 
grammed with expansion gradients for six different 
partners. Display panel shows pulse, blood pressure 
and coefficient of friction. Solar-power option available 
for outdoor types. 
Pronghorn Labs “Big Jake" ($995) 
Answers the age-old question, “What would you get if 
you crossed a penile implant with a jackhammer?" This 
mother will kick-start your sex life with an actual kick. 
Rechargeable power unit plugs into any household socket. 
The emergency release valve is fluorescent and the overheat 
warning doubles as a duck call. 


Choking Your Chicken 


It's a phrase you've probably heard hundreds of 
times, and each time you've asked yourself, "Where 
the hell's the fun in strangling а common barnyard 
fowl?” Obviously, you've misconstrued the mean- 
ing. For a clarification, we sought out someone with 
demonstrated experience in this area, Paul “Pee-wee 
Herman" Reubens, who had a promising show 
business career until he was caught in a Florida the- 
ater polishing his Oscar. He wouldn't take our calls, 

but we did later receive a cryptic e-mail 

message reading, "Don't waste a lot of 

time looking for a beak.” Easy for Піт to 
be cocky. Meanwhile, we're as confused 
as you are. 


117 


118 


Twenty-five things you can do, say, 
wear, offer, threaten or desperately 
stoop fo in order to increase the most 
widely accepted measure of your 
worth: your paycheck 


Gaining weight? Stressed out? Marriage in trouble? Kids in 
jail? Unable to afford slick new workout equipment? Can't get it 
up? What you need is more money. As Dr. Mose Bettah of the 
Milwaukee Institute for Personal Evaluation says, "If money 
can't buy happiness, why the hell are we all working?" 

“Where can I get more money?" you ask. Our answer, after 
exhaustive research, is: "From the same person who already 
gives you money: your employer." 

It's called getting a raise, and like every other subject we've 
encountered, it can be reduced to just enough "insider" tips and 
tactics to fill a magazine article. 

Pop the Question 

Try asking. It works with "Would you pass the butter?" and 
“What time is it?" So why shouldn't it work with "Can I have 
more money?" 

Locetion, Location, Location. Be in your boss' immediate 
vicinity when you ask. Make sure he or she can see and hear 
you ard is awake and aware of your presence. Introduce your- 

self if necessary. 


г | Locution, Locution, Locution. Phrasing is vital to getting 


your point across. Choose your words carefully. Wrong: "Tell 
the archbishop I’ve a muffin in my pants!” Right: “I would like 
to be paid more money.” 

Specify Money. A clever boss’ promise to “increase your 
salary” may turn out to mean dinars, supermarket coupons or, 
most deviously cunning of all, celery. 

Call Me Irresistible 

Beguiling for Dollars. Be so darned likable that your boss 
can't say no. Dick Van Dyke as Rob Petrie—be like that. And 
take a dog with you. A yellow Lab. Who could turn down Old 
Yeller’s owner? 

Be a Brownnose. Before hitting on your boss, hit the tanning 
parlor until you're a nice walnut hue. It's one of life's essential 
rules: If you radiate health, youth and good looks, you can get 
what you want. 

Call Me Indispensable 

The Inside Poop. Be the only one in your office who can fix 
the toilet in an emergency. Arrange an occasional "emergency" 
just to confirm the point. 

Do a Bang-up Job. Get your boss hooked on heroin. OK, this 
will take some planning. First, tell him it'sa series of flu shots. 


an ho 


HOW TO 


HAVE 
sex 


IF YOU HAVE AN ERECTION AND SOME FREE TIME, YOU’RE TWO THIRDS THERE 


by-hour gu 


he Bible tells us there's an appropriate 

time for everything. Legendary tippler 

John Barrymore had a motto: “It's always 
cocktail hour somewhere on earth." What's our 
point? Even though your body clock keeps flash- 
ing 12:00, the time is right for some form of sexual 
activity or another. Or another. Or another. (Repe- 
tition is everything.) 


With that in mind, here'sa daylong Libido Log to slip into 
your organizer for future reference. Properly used, it can give 
you endless hours of pleasure. 
| 5:00 a.m. | Gently awaken your beloved and roman- 

tically point out that both the sun and 
your manhood have risen. (A caution—this approach can 
backfire unpleasantly if you're just getting in from that 
“boys' night out.") Upside: You start the day feeling relaxed 
and good about yourself. Dowrside: During the throes of 
passion, you realize that she's still half asleep and has mis- 
taken you for the санеце m 
= Shower together, sensuously soaping y 
5:30 A.M. each other SE nature takes its КІРЕ | : || 
Upside: No need to worry about the wet spot. Downside: 
Oral sex leaves that Irish Spring taste in your mouth all 
morning. Ы ШИГ 
2 While preparing your breakfast cereal, 8B 5 | || А 1 
6:00 A.M. you Kane the banana in such a sala- 


cious manner that your partner takes you down right there in 


the nook. Upside: The butter is already conveniently at hand. #77 | H 
Downside: Your kids laugh so hard they spray cocoa out H-H —-—--- j = 
their noses. HONE a | | 
| 6:30 A.M. | While driving to work, you plug your 1 

"Car Jac" auto fellator into the cigarette 3 Ji | 1 
lighter and complete your trip oblivious to the commuter f= y m Y "erm 


nightmare. Upside: The miles seem to whiz by Downside: f| | |64 
Your moans of ecstasy awaken your car-pool passengers. 


119 


PLAYBOY 


JASON ALEXANDER (continued from page 74) 


“The follow-up will be about me and Larry Storch, say- 
ing, We were on TV. Can you give us some money?” 


"There's nothing I cannot imagine 
him doing," says Seinfeld of Alexan- 
der's life after Seinfeld. “I can imagine 
him joining Cirque du Soleil as an ac- 
robat at some point, just swinging from 
ropes in some sort of leotard.” 

"Thatis one of the few activities he has 
not pursued. Unlike George, who can't 
hold a job, Alexander holds many. “Му 
wife has about had it,” he says. "She's 
like, ‘What else are you going to do?” 
Besides his day job, he makes марс and 
concert appearances. He pitches pret- 
zels. He hosts awards shows. During 
every Seinfeld hiatus, he makes a movie. 
In his most recent, Love! Valour! Com- 
passion!, he plays a gay character— 
which explains the Ош magazine cover 
showing Alexander with his hand 
down another man's pants. (“Not,” as 
George once said, "that there's any- 
thing wrong with that!") "You hit and 
run, hit and run," he explains, "keep 
all your options open." 

Unfortunately, his extracurricular 
activities have been more run than hit. 
Most of his films—Dunston Checks In, 
The Last Supper, The Paper, North—have 
been box-office duds. Though critical- 
ly acclaimed, a television remake of 
Bye Bye Birdie (featuring Alexander in 
song-and-dance mode) went bye-bye in 
the ratings, losing its time slot to, 
among other things, a Valerie Bertinel- 
li TV movie. 

Alexander has also taken up direct- 
ing, which he views as a way to "fade 
behind the scenes for a while" after 
Seinfeld, "to wash that impression out. 
of somebody's mind." (He has a deal 
with Fox to develop and direct movies.) 
Again, however, his record is spotty. 
His feature debut, For Better or Worse, 
went to cable after a limited release. Al- 
though he defends the film—"1 will 
maintain to my dying day that, though 
certainly a flawed picture, it is far more 
interesting and far funnier that most of 
the romantic comedies you've seen in 
the past two years"—the Hollywood 
buzz was not good. A Variety headline 
about the movie asked the question, 
MORE WORSE THAN BETTER? 

Alexander claims he has reached a 
point in his career where he doesn't 
care about box oflice or buzz, only 
about doing the work. He says he'd be 
happy doing smaller "art" films such as 
Love! Valour! Compassion! "The great 
luxury of Seinfeld is that I need to make 
much less money to maintain a decent 
quality of life. And I have enough ca- 


chet that, as long as 1 do good work, 
there's always a job. 

“Of course," he adds, "ten ycars 
from now the follow-up to this article 
will be about me and Larry Storch in 
a breadline, saying, 'We were on TV 
once. Can you give us some money?" 

"Then the Georgian pessimism really 
kicks in. “Mel Brooks," he says, "had a 
line as the 2000-Year-Old Man—he 
said, "Everything is based on fear.” 
That's exactly truc. What keeps me go- 
ing is the fear that everything will come 
to a stop—that this is just a flash in the 
pan. I always think this can go away. 
My confidence has decreased with my 
success." 


GORGEOUS GEORGE 


“Here's a bit of trivia," Alexander 
says cheerfully. "In the hair depart- 
ment of Seinfeld, Julia obviously takes 
the longest time—then comes me!" 

“That is true,” says Judy, the Seinfeld 
hairdresser, as she fiddles with Alexan- 
der's locks, or what remain of them. 
"And you're taking almost as long as 
Julia now.” 

At 1:30 р.м., after five hours of wait- 
ing, he has finally been called to make- 
up and hair. (“Then they want to re- 
hearse the scene we'll shoot after 
lunch," he grumbles.) One would think 
Alexander's hair would require min- 
imal attention. Yet Judy employs an 
arsenal of tools—brush, blow-drier, 
spritzer, spray—"to get some of the 
wave out,” she explains, "so it doesn't 
look all floofy.” Alexander says, “When 
1 had hair, it tended to have a mind of 
its own. The remnants are still trying to 
do their own thing.” 

There follows a moment of silence, 
in honor of fallen follicles. Alexander 
has been balding since his late teens. “1 
blame it on the tight Jewboy perm 1 
had when I was 17,” he moans. "Went 
to a salon for a perm, and I swear the 
minute I did that I started losing my 
hair. My father is 85 years old, looks 
like he's 60, has a full head of black 
hair. I hate the man." 

Now hairlessness is Alexander's 
stock-in-trade. He and his hairline are 
inextricably linked. In fact, when he 
tricd a Hair Club for Men hair weave 
back in 1985, he watched in horror as 
his career screeched to a halt. “I 
couldn't get work," he says. "Nobody 
wanted me. Not even people who 
would eventually have put а wig on 
me. So I stopped. It would have been a 


matter of time until I couldn't afford 
the maintenance on the damn thing." 

With or without a rug (and he says, 
71 look better with hair than without 
it"), Alexander has trouble convincing 
Hollywood that he's capable of tran- 
scending the confines of his body. 
Someday he wouldn't mind taking a 
crack at playing a hero, a romantic 
lead. But "every time I go near a lead- 
ing-man's role I keep thinking, Boy, if 
only 1 had a little more hair and 20 
fewer pounds," he says. “I was in con- 
sideration for Nick of Time a few years 
ago. The descri n of the character 
was a complete Everyman, an unre- 
ble guy in an extraordinary situ- 
ation." His voice grows edgy. "So who 
played the part? Johnny Depp! Not ex- 
actly Everyman. When things like that 
get away from me, I become upset. I 
think I have something to contribute to 
a part like that, and no one will give me 
the chance." 


BOY GEORGE 

Alexander must have meat. At a Stu- 
dio City trattoria near the Seinfeld stu- 
dio, he scans the menu for steaks, 
chops or cutlets, the bloodier the bet- 
ter. "I'm on an all-protein diet. You 
don't know me very well, otherwise 
you'd find that dull. In fact," he ad- 
mits, "I could be off by the end of the 
week. I'm on a different program every 
week." Among his friends, he is notori- 
ous for his diets. He has gone both 
macro- and microbiotic; he was once 
devoted to something called the Maxi- 
mum Metabolism diet, taking pills to 
kill assorted pangs. "I am on the quest," 
he says, "for the elusive 20 pounds that. 
just need an extra jump kick." 

He has been “heavy,” he says, almost 
since the day he was born Jay Scott 
Greenspan (Alexander is his father's 
first name) in Newark, New Jersey. He 
felt loved by his parents but "was al- 
ways scared as a kid that I was going to 
get picked on or humiliated or actually 
beaten up by bigger kids." 

Then, like so many fat, funny kids, 
he learned the value of comedy as a 
weapon. "As a preemptive strike 
against kids I thought were going to be 
mean to me,” he says, “I would quote 
large sections of material from comedy 
albums." His arsenal included Bill Cos- 
by, Bob Newhart, Woody Allen and 
David Steinberg, plus "great old Jewish. 
comics" such as Myron Cohen and 
Jackie Mason. In many cases, his play- 
ground riffs included "stuff that was 
way over my head. I did George Car- 
lin's bit about how ‘shit’ is a synonym 
for marijuana—I had no idea. I was 
eight!” Did his ploy work? “Yes, it 
would head them off at the pass. Be- 
cause I was funny, I was not taunted 

(continued on page 157) 


“Oh, I’m not a secretary. Гт а perk.” 


121 


ORK IS done, and it's time to get 
serious. Begin by rearming 
yourself for the evening hours 
with a cellular 

not make it look as if you're pack- 
ing a brick in your pocket. Motorola's 
new Startac model is asthin and trim as 

a checkbook, and the Voice Now pager 

you're toting talks instead of squawks 

(It's a guaranteed conversation starter 

in any bar.) The other items pictured 

here also speak for themselves. A leath- 
er-covered address book and a dimin- 
utive Montblanc ballpoint beat scraps 
of paper and a pencil stub any time. 

Smokes in a cowhide cigar case are 

ready to be lit with your new flame—a 

Dunhill lighter that looks like a million 

dollars but costs only a few hundred. A 

pocketknife always comes in handy, 

and the Swedish-made one we've cho- 

sen is small, elegant and tough. And 

don't forget to pocket the hot status 

symbol of the moment—an elegant 

money clip. (Ours is hallmarked ster 

ling silver.) You'll want to fill it with 
isp new Ben Franklins, of course. 


From left to right: Motorola's new Startoc 
cellular phone is smaller than your wallet 
ond offers up to four minutes of digital 
recording time (onswering machine, memo 
or call), a vibration mode and the capacity 
to store up to 99 names ond numbers that 
can be accessed with a smart button (about 
$1500). Cowhide cigar case by Ashton 
holds three 7/2" x 52-ring smokes ($80). In- 
grained leolher Blondes, Brunettes, Red- 
heads address book by Asprey ($50). Atop 
the book: onyx, diomond and 18-kt. white 
gold octagon-shaped cuff links and stud 
set from Sulka (52750); and a Mozart ball- 
point pen ($165) that's only four inches 
long, by Montblanc. (A mechanical-pencil 
version is also $165, anda founta 

5265.) Alfred Dunhill's art deco-i 

Centenary wristwatch with a sweep second 
hand and black crocodile band ($1170) 
and osilver plate-ond-gold butane Dunhill 
lighter from Christofle ($360). Sterling sil- 
ver Cortier key ring ($180). Eka of Swe- 
den's enomel-and-gold plate pocketknife 
featuring a surgical-grade-stainless-steel 
blade and a bottle opener-screwdriver, 
from Nichols Co. ($53.50). Voice Now 
pager by Page Net receives ond repeots 
verbal messages sent by telephone to the 
palm-sized unit (obout $200 plus a small 
monthly service chorge). Sterling silver 
hallmarked money clip from Saks Fifth Av- 
enue ($140). The silk bow tie-and-cum- 
merbund set on which the products sit is by 
Sulka ($155). The silver-plated Beauhar- 
nais tray (bottom) is from Christofle ($500). 


123 


NORM MACDONALD 


H e says he doesn't do well at auditions. 
So it must have been tough for Norm 
Macdonald to deliver a "Weekend Update” 
routine lo “Saturday Night Live" impresario 
Lorne Michaels and “three от four other 
people who didn't laugh. They just sat 
there.” 

Macdonald did all right that time. He те- 
calls, “For some reason, they let me have the 
Job. That was excellent.” Excellent enough 
to propel him to star status among the cur- 
rent “SNL” ensemble. 

Macdonald insists he came late to show 
business. At 24, he doffed his work clothes, 
grabbed a microphone and began perform- 
ing stand-up comedy at bars and clubs 
across Canada. He eventually headed south 
of the border to perform at comedy clubs in 
Los Angeles and to write for “Roseanne.” 
(“She likes stand-ups and hates Hollywood 
writers.”) His friend Adam Sandler put in a 
good word for him at “SNL,” and Macdon- 
ald was hired as a writer shortly before the 
first show of the 1993 season. A year later 
he settled into the “Weekend Update” an- 
chor's chair. 

Warren Kalbacker met with Macdonald 
at his “Saturday Night Live" office in Rock- 
efeller Center. Kalbacker reports: “Macdon- 
ald indicated he had an all-night writing 
session ahead of him but seemed іп no hurry 
to tackle the coming Saturday's show. He 
showed me his new set of irons with graphite 
shafts and recounted a recent round of golf 
with fellow cast member Tim Meadows. He 
even quizzed me about New York-area 
courses. Looking for some advance “Week- 
end Update” tidbits, I peeked over his shoul- 
der at the screen on his office PC. There uas 
a golf course locator program оп display." 


1. 


snl s smart PLAYBOY: We no- 
aleckonwhy 452%; s 
he admires Update with the 
чай "fake 
ys." Has thi 

bob dole, why т. eae 
comedy is edge of current 
events de- 


scended to a 
level where you 
wonder if view- 
ers confuse re- 


better than 
manual labor 


and how he ality and satire? 
e MACDONALD: It 
discouraged would be bad if 
O m А 1- 
his stalker pas 


news from me 
than from any 
other source. It. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 


was my idea to say "fake news"—as if 
you need to say that. When you do a 
parody, you're supposed to pretend it's 
real, so I thought it would be funny to 
say it's not real. Later I found out that 
when I did some harder jokes, the cen- 
sors would say, “Oh well, if he says it's 
fake news. . . ." It turned out to be a 
disclaimer. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: Chevy Chase and Dennis 
Miller parlayed Weekend Update into, 
among other things, failed talk shows. 
Do you view the segment as a stepping- 
stone? 

MACDONALD: ] don't want to be a talk 
show host, that's for sure. I would find 
it hard to interview people because I 
find almost everyone uninteresting. 
Maybe could do some bad movies. Му 
favorite genre is road movies. Bob 
Hope and Bing Crosby weren't that tal- 
ented as comedians. They were just 
kidding around, having fun. Same 
with Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise. 
They don't make movies anymore in 
which guys just have a good time. Га 
look for anything with talentless peo- 
ple, because I think I could do that 


% 


PLAYBOY: How does the Weekend Update 
chair rank on the comfort scale? Осса- 
sionally you seem antsy up there. 

MACDONALD: It’s nice, though they took 
my wheels away from me. Everyone 
else had wheels. It was so much fun to 
be on those wheels. I would spin 
around and keep moving. But then Га 
wind up only half in the shot. One 
week they took away the wheels and 
I've never been able to get them back. 1 
should, but the wheel guy has control. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: You told Bob Dole when he 
appeared one Saturday night, "1 don't 
write much of the stuff around here." 
Were you backpedaling on your politi- 
cal saure? 

MACDONALD: He said he'd seen some of 
the things I did about him on the show. 
I told him I didn't write a lot of that. 
stuff. And I didn't. I disagreed with a 
lot of the things that slammed Dole. 1 
like Bob Dole. He reminds me a lot of 
my dad. I like guys who aren't suited 
for their jobs. He's like that. He's not a 
politician. Politicians have to bullshit 
people and be disingenuous and be 
able to turn emotions on in a second. 
Clinton is the best ever. And Dole can't 


do that at all. He's self-effacing and re- 
ally funny. I asked after the election 
how he was taking it. Hc said it didn't 
bother him at all, and that the night he 
lost he slept like a baby—woke up 
every two hours crying. I'm thinking of 
doing something with him, because he 
has some kind of odd peripheral show 
business career going on. 


5. 


rLavpoy: Dole suggested shortly after 
the election that you and he get togeth- 
er for beers because you'd both have 
plenty of spare time. Have you two 
hoisted brews together? 

MACDONALD: He's less available than 
you'd think, but he keeps asking me to 
come to Washington to talk with him. 
It seems like such a crazy thing to do. 
I'd have to show up and ask, “Is Bob 
around? It's me, that guy from the 
TV." If Dole had been elected. I could 
have slept in the Lincoln bedroom. I'm 
trying to think of a joke about Dole 
himself sleeping in the Lincoln bed- 
room. Maybe something about Lincoln 
being on vacation. I just can't put it 
together. 


6. 


pLayboy. What should we make of the 
framed photo of Richard Nixon hang- 
ing on your office wall? 

MACDONALD: The picture is not meant 
ironically, that's for sure. I always 
thought Nixon would have been the 
best host for this show. He'd have been 
cool. We like to fight the liberal bias, 
though we want Update to be complete- 
ly aj ical. It's said that the media is 
liberal. I don't have any sense of that. 
But 1 know comedy has this incredible 
liberal bias, so I don't do any jokes 
comparing Newt Gingrich to Hitler. 1 
have no political point of view, and I 
don't write the political jokes. I don't 
like politics at all. 1 find it boring. I nev- 
er read political news. Everybody is so 
obsessed with politics, with Clinton and 
Whitewater. Meanwhile, we could have 
heard about cloning years ago. People 
are really interested in Hard Copy stuff, 
in cloning and Michael Jackson. Jon- 
Benet Ramsey is big. I wanted to do a 
sketch about the girl who was runner- 
up to JonBenet and now gets to step in 
as America's Little Royal Miss. But we 
have to stay clear of that. 


TE 


PLAYBOY: You appeared, ever so briefly, 
in The Peoplews. (continued on page 142) 


125 


Beyond 
Dog 


there's only one guy 
deals in the kind of product 
bobby and sheila needec— 
and he's a wacko, but then 
so is just about everybody in 
this evil little deal 


Pat Jo 


he two waitresses stood in the shade 
of the service bar waiting for their 
drink orders. The brunette sneaked 
a drag of her cigarette and put it 
back in the ashtray on the bar 
The blonde said, “You gonna tell 
‘em, or me?” 

The brunette glanced over her shoulder. 
The outdoor tables on the deck of the Mark 
Hotel's Chickee Bar were filled mostly with 
tourists drinking margaritas and rumrun- 
ners in the hot Fort Lauderdale sun. Some 
wore baggy shorts and rts with PARTY 
NAKED on the front. Others wore cruisewear 
bathing suits from Bloomingdale's. They 
didn't talk much, except now and then to 
whisper to one another and point down be- 
low at the male and female strippers lying 
on the sand, wearing only C-string bikinis, 
their perfectly tanned bodies glistening 
with coconut oil. 

You mean the тий?” said the brunette. 
With Spike and the hunk?" 
Who else?” 

A man and a woman were seated off by 
themselves at the far corner of the deck. 
Only their backs were visible to the 
resses. The man looked like a spin 
er, hugely muscular and tanned, with a 
bleached-blond ponytail and narrow, dark 


PAINTING BY PAT ANDREA 


¡DELRA ¡Y ВТО EY 


eyes. The woman was older, muscled, 
tanned and bleached blonde, too, with 
close-cropped hair that stood up lik 
spring grass. She wore a G-string bi 
ni and smoked a cigarette, very lady- 
like, limp-wristed, while with her other 
hand she stroked the fur of the dog sit- 
ting at her feet, The dog had reddish- 
orange-and-white fur and looked like 
а cross between a wolf and a fox. 

"Ihe blonde waitress set down their 
drinks. Jim Beam, rocks, for him. Vod- 
ka, rocks, for her. The man handed her 
a twenty and told her to keep the 
change. 

“Thank you, sir,” the waitress said. 
She stood there, hesitating. 

The woman ignored her. She sipped 
her vodka and said to the man, “What 
ume is he supposed to get here?” 

“Twenty minutes ago,” said the man. 

The waitress hovered. Finally, she 
said, “Excuse me.” The woman 
glanced up, still stroking her dog. “I'm 
terribly sorry,” the waitress said, “but 
it's against the rules." She pointed аг 
the dog. The dog looked up at her with 
an eerily human expression. “No dogs, 
I'm afraid.” 

The woman took a drag from her 
cigarette and exhaled. "Really?" she 
said. She was older than she looked 
from behind, maybe 45, but attractive. 
The woman smiled down at the dog. 
"Did you hear that, Hosh? You're not 
welcome.” She poured her glass of wa- 
ter into a tin bowl and put it down for 
the dog. 

The waitress shrugged and returned 
to the service bar as a bald man with a 
big belly and a goatee walked toward 
the table. Sunlight glinted off his gold- 
framed sunglasses, his gold necklaces, 
his gold bracelets, his gold Rolex. His 
buttondown shirt was open to the na- 


vel, exposing his chest hair. Three 


beepers were hooked to his white ten- 
nis shorts. 

“Hello, Sheila,” he said, leaning 
down to kiss the woman on the cheek. 
He sat down across from Bobby. 

“Hello, Solly,” she said. 

“A day late, Solly,” said Bobby. 

“1 had things to do.” 

The dog raised up on his hind legs 
and put his paws on Sol's arm. “The 
Hosh!” Sol said. "How's my man?" The 
dog wagged his tail. When the waitress 
appeared at Sol's side, the dog sat 
down quickly, as if to be unobtrusive. 

"I'll have a rumrunner, honey,” Sol 
said. "And a hamburger. 

"What are you, a fucking tourist?" 
Bobby said when the waitress had 
gone. 

“Right,” Sheila said. 
beepers on his hip.” 

Bobby leaned across the table and 
said, "So, what's the big hurry, Sol, t 
you bring us out with all the tourist: 


"With three 


"I thought I'd toss this one to you, 
Bobby. Some sandblasted types in Mi- 
ami. I don't feature dealing with 
them." He grinned. "I figure you and 
the spics have something in common, 
you know. Men of color and all." 

Bobby smiled. “What's the product?” 

The bald man looked around at the 
tourists, studying them 

“Oh, Solly,” Sheila said, "you're so 
fucking dramatic.” 

The waitress came back with the 
rumrunner and burger and Sol raised 
his eyebrows for silence. After she left, 
he said, “Do you mind if we get back to 
business?” Bobby nodded. Sol leaned 
toward him. “The spic needs a few 
pieces, Bobby, maybe a couple hun- 
dred. Small stuff, mostly. CZs. AKs. 
Uzis. They like that foreign shit. He 
says that he already got his big stuff— 
SAMs, Stingers—from some raghcad 
in Boca.” 

“So why does he need us?" Bobby 
said. 

“Because, fuckhead, he can’t buy the 
stuff in Miami. He's a big-fucking-deal 
exile, on TV all the time, screaming 
how him and his compatriots are 
gonna take back their fucking island 
paradise by force. Building an army, he 
says, a lot of fat old spics in camouflage 
out in the Everglades, huffin' and puf- 
fin’ through the fuckin’ swamp, blast- 
ing gators with grenade launchers.” 

"So why doesn't he just come up 
here to get his product?" 

"You know how spics are, Bobby. 
Like guineas in the Bronx. Hate to 
leave their stoop. Besides, a sandblast- 
ed nigger like him in Lauderdale, sniff- 
ing around for product, would draw 
flies. He needs a buyer. Someone 
knows his way up here, got contacts. 
Preferably a white man, he says.” Sol 
grinned evilly and winked at Sheila. 
“What they call that, honey?" 

Sheila looked startled, then smiled. 
“I think you mean irony." 

“Irony, Bobby! You and him become 
asshole buddies, talk politics, maybe he 
can loan you some Stingers so's you сап 
recapture the fucking Indian reserva- 
tion. Dinner at his hacienda. Him and 
his wife, you and Sheila." Sol took a 
bite of his hamburger. "Know any 
Spanish?" 

Sheila stubbed out her cigarette and 
looked for the waitress, to order anoth- 
er drink. When she turned back, Sol 
was sneaking a piece of hamburger 
to Hoshi. 

“Solly! I told you not to feed him that 
shit.” 

"He's a dog, for Christ's sake. He 
eats meat." 

"Yeah, well, not that stuff. It fucks up 
his stomach, so please, Sol? And anoth- 
er thing: Don't call him a dog." 

“Jesus. He isa dog." 


“Мо he's not. He's beyond dog." 

"AII right, all right." But the ham- 
burger had already disappeared and 
Sol turned back to Bobby. "The spic 
expects you at his house tonight for 
dinner. Midnight. Them spics eat late. 
It's in the Gables." Sol slid a folded 
piece of paper across the table. Bobby 
unfolded it and looked at it. 

The waitress appeared. “Another 
round,” Sheila said. Then, smiling at 
Sol, she added, “And don't forget to 
put the little umbrella in his rumrun- 
ner, OK, honey?" 

Sol ignored her and went on 
"There's no number on the front gate. 
But you can't miss it. Big fucking con- 
crete wall, razor wire on top. You know 
how they are. Makes 'em feel impor- 
tant. I told him to expect a Mr. Bobby 
Squared. Just announce yourself at the 
gate. They got this little box you talk 
into, they let you in." 

Sol lowered his voice and leaned 
closer to Bobby. "One other thing. 
Don't pack. He's fuckin’ paranoid.” He 
smiled at Sheila. 

“Very good, Sol." 

“Par-a-noid, Bobby. Drives one of 
them ten-ton Bentleys that fucking 
bazookas bounce off. Guats patrolling 
the grounds with Mac-10s and guard 
dogs, big fucking mutts like in the 
movies." 

“Rottweilers,” Sheila said. 

“Whatever. Dog shit everywhere. 
Wear your cowboy boots, Bobby. And 
don't pack. They'll pat you down at the 
front door, and you don't want to piss 
these guys off.” 

Bobby nodded. “What's my end?" 

“All of it. It's a present. You always 
stood up for me.” Sol's tone changed 
for an instant, not the wise guy now, 
but genuine. Then he went on talking, 
all business again. “The product will 
cost ya, maybe 75 large. The spic will 
give you a hundred. You keep the 
change.” He leaned closer to Bobby 
and said sofily, “Bobby, you know 
there’s only one guy deals in so much 
product.” 

“I know." 

"You ever met him?" 

Bobby shook his head. 

"He's fucking wacko. Old bastard 
thinks he's God. From the Old Testa- 
ment—you know what I mean. Watch 
yourself." Absentmindedly, Sol broke 
off another piece of his hamburger and 
handed it to Hoshi. The dog wolfed 
it down. 

“Jesus, Sol. What did I tell you? 
You're a fucking mule!" Sheila stood 
up. “Come on, Hosh.” She walked off 
the deck onto the sand and headed to- 
ward the ocean. 

“What'd I do?” Sol said. 

“You pissed her off," Bobby said. He 

(continued on page 146) 


“Your reflexology’s magic, Ruthy—my headache's completely cured!” 


129 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY AND RIC MOORE 


what frames, what headlights, what padded seats! and, hey, the bikes aren't bad, either 


e 


AXBOY 


When she's not teoring up the asphalt on her hog, Denver 
denizen LeAndrea Rogers (above) is actually a softy whose fa- 
vorite things include ice cream, funny jokes and puppies. Her 
goal: “To be the best mom ever.” At left, cycle enthusiasts cele- 
brate Bike Week ‘97 in Daytona Beach by crowning Hooters 
waitress Diane Sorrentino their favorite bikinied biker babe. 


eing in Sturgis, South Dakota last August, 

we noticed a few motorcycle enthusiasts— 

more than 200,000 of them. Although we 
know the stereotypes of colorful, extravagantly barbered, 
gang-affiliated biker dudes, we also got acquainted with 
riders whose day jobs included lawyering, banking and 
investing other people's money. We realized that bikes 
are powerful babe magnets: Where there are bikes there 
1s also a magnificent collection of women. And while the 
annual Sturgis Rally and Race confab is still the biggest 
rally in the U.S., Bike Week in Daytona Beach, Florida is 
coming up a close second. Daytona is where we recruited, 
the women for this pictorial. We're going back to Sturgis 
this August, and we're taking with us Playmates bitten by 
the biker bug. In addition, the hot machine on the cov- 
er—a $40,000 custom Titan motorcycle—will be there, 
and you could win it. See details elsewhere in this issue. 


181 


Baton Rouge rough rider Chris 
Archunde (opposite) not only en- 
joys stroddling choppers but also 
likes riding horses. The youngest 
of seven kids, Chris grew up on a 
ronch. "I'm a Cajun," declares 
Louisiana native Kim Shelton 
(right), a model now living in 
Daytona Beach. When she's not 
cycling or jet-skiing, Kim prefers 
the company of “people with 
positive, healthy attitudes.” Cali- 
fornian Sherrie Rose (below) cur- 
rently calls the road her home: 
She's traveling the country in 
a 1972 Winnebogo, writing a 
book about "odd, interesting 


people who have stories to tell." 
Above: A wildly lucky rider at 
Bike Week festivities finds him- 
self delightfully double-parked. 


Clearly, the folks at Horley-Davidsan aren't shy about plastering their logo all over everything during Bike Week. But leave it to a pos- 
sionate cycle babe (above left) ta come up with the sexiest product placement yet. Above right: further praaf thot women make every- 
thing—biking included—lock a lot more fun. When Florida's Vera Jane Kirby (below) isn't tending bor, she is dancing, traveling, riding 
Horleys—fost—or tanning naked on the beach. "In fact,” odds the Kansas native, “I like to be naked anywhere.” We like her attitude. 


One of the big events of Bike Week is the procession of hat wheels down Main Street. But what's o parade without the occasional back- 
seat driver (below left) eager to show off what's under the hoad? Alsa on hand were swimsuit models peddling their wares (below right) 
Let's hear it for capitalism. Dancer Gina Severini (opposite) doesn't discriminate when it comes ta speed. In addition ta being a biker, 


she's also a wicked skater. "I'm Italian,” she soys of her baundless energy. "I'm determined to make the best out of life's opportunities.” 


Emmanvelle Cyr (орро- 
site) lives in Montreal, 
where she works as a per- 
sonal trainer. Amang her 
nonchopper passions are 
pointing ond nutrition. Af- 
ter sailing down the high- 
way on the back of a bike, 
how do you decompress? 
If you're like West Virgin- 
ion Sarah Uhrich (right), 
you curl up with a true- 
crime boak. She's now 
studying political science 
at a Florida community 
college. Below, things get 
pretty hot in Doytona dur 
ing Bike Week—on the 
ground and in the air. 


Although she's jazzed by hogs, speedboats and sports сог, Marylonder Cindy 
Sue Rich (above) says music olso cranks her engine. A floutist, saxophonist and 
songwriter, Cindy wants to be a big-screen stor. "I like anything with lots of 
horsepower," says Florida's Malyso Wyse (getting decorated, below). "Motor- 
cycles, Nascar racing, monster trucks—you name it." Now the bod news, guys: 


Malyso's favorite cycle passenger is her dog (left). At right, a Bike Week cele- 
bront—and her wheels—cool their jets outside o motorcycle wash. Harley en- 
thusiast Tracy Ann Bancroft (opposite) first rode a cycle as o high school 
exchange student in Germany. "After the first few moments of terror," she re- 
members, “1 opened my eyes to the scenic German countryside, with the sum- 
mer wind in my foce. From then on, | wos in love." Off-road, Jersey girl Trocy, 
who's learning to box, is in grad school, studying biology ond biochemistry. 


"de MT MG, 


Form ni | 


merenti RM E E 
— TE] min ТЕ 


Above: Gloriously fromed by the Stars and Stripes, Bike Week riders exhibit their own brand of pomp 
спа pageantry. Below: When Тууп John first appeared as c Playmate (March 1992), she confessed 
а penchant for traveling the Pacific Coast Highway at blink-and-you'll-miss-her speeds. Happily, she 


PLAYBOY 


NORM MACDONALD (continued from page 125) 


Everybody tells me the show was bad then and it’s 
good again now. To me, that’s insane. 


Larry Flynt. Was that a plug for free 
expression? 

MACDONALD: Milos Forman asked me to 
be in the movie. He said he likes Update. 
He really liked the O.]. jokes. I said I 
wouldn't be any good. He said, “Come 
on. I'll get a role for you." 1 had this lit- 
Че part and he gave me a credit at the 
start of the movie. It was crazy. I have 
dinner with him sometimes. He's really 
funny. What's cool about him is that he 
has incredibly passionate ideas and opin- 
ions. These European guys are passion- 
ate about ideas. It's exciting when you 


hear a guy talk like that. You think, I, 


should have some opinions of my own. 
Forman gets really passionate over free- 
dom, which is cool, because I'm not pas- 
sionate about anything. I don't know 
freedom. It means nothing to me. I was 
hardly in the movie, I just watched him 
direct. He had a complete vision for the 
movie and was in complete control. And 
his accent is great. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: During the 1994-1995 season, 
critics slammed the show. How did it feel 
to be kept on the job when most cast 
members were cleaning out their desks? 
MACDONALD: It was my first year so I 
would have to have been really bad to be 
fired. I don't think it was a purge, be- 
cause a lot of people were leaving any- 
way. Phil Hartman and Kevin Nealon 
had been doing SNL for years, stretch- 
ing the limit of time you can do the show. 
"The show was in a shambles because the 
critics were ripping it apart. It helped to 
have Lorne Michaels there, saying he 
had seen it happen before—the "Satur- 
day Night Dead" headlines. It's just the 
nature of a show that's constantly chang- 
ing. The cast has to change and the writ- 
ers have to change. Everybody tells me 
the show was bad then and it's good 
again now. To me that's insane. Back 
then there was Adam Sandler, Chris Far- 
ley and David Spade, and they're the 
funniest guys Гуе ever met. So when 
somebody says that the show is much 
funnier now, it's not true. 


93 


PLAYBOY: Didn't we hear you say before 
we started to tape that SNL executive 
producer Lorne Michaels is a sweet guy? 
Want to take this opportunity to brown- 
nose your boss? 

MACDONALD: А lot of people think Lorne 
is a tough guy, but he's really a sweet 
guy. He has a hard time with confronta- 
tion, with firing people, which is odd for 


142 a man of power. All Lorne cares about is 


being funny. He'll fight the censors if he 
likes an idea. There are some things he 
thinks are tasteless. I did this joke in 
which 1 showed that picture of the girl 
running away from napalm in Vietnam. 
I said, “In gossip news, Woody Allen's 
dating again." Lorne told me not to do it 
and I told him he was wrong, that peo- 
ple would like it. Then I did it in dress 
rehearsal and there was this insane аш 
ence reaction that went on for two min- 
utes: hate. I was completely wrong. 


10. 


ыілұноу: When Kevin Spacey hosted 
SNL earlier this year, subtitles flashed on 
the screen describing him as a psycho 
who had twice stuck a gun in your 
mouth during rehearsals. We've seen 
Spacey play his share of weird charac- 
ters. Give us insight into the offscreen 
Kevin Spacey. 

MACDONALD: The subtitles were based on 
truth. He did stick a gun in my mouth, 
and when he pulled the trigger, out 
popped a little flag that said Banc! So it 
was blown all out of proportion. I'd like 
to start a show business feud with Kevin 
Spacey. It would be good for me. He's a 
dirty dog. What if he thinks this is seri- 
ous? He'll hate me. Serious actors аге of- 
ten horrible hosts, and nobody knew 
Spacey was a gifted mimic. He can do 
impressions of anybody. It’s great when 
you get a host who understands. 


п. 


PLAYBOY: Talk shows are a comic's stock 
in trade. Tell us a tale from the late shift. 
MACDONALD: I feel loose on Conan 
O'Brien's show. He lets me do whatever 
1 want. We have fun. I was on once and 
Conan asked where I lived in the city. I 
gave the exact address because I thought 
it would be funny. That was stupid. This 
guy showed up on my street. He was a 
stalker. 1 didn't know what to do, so I 
gave him tickets to the show. Then he 
came and sat close to the front. He was 
not laughing. He just had this odd look 
on his face. I realized this guy was crazy 
and that I had done the worst possible 
thing. 1 was doing Update and 1 kept 
thinking, Maybe he'll shoot. 1 was the 
most scared I've ever been. I didn't get 
killed, that was the good part. I think in 
the end, my stalker understood that he 
had been deluding himself and I wasn't 
as big a star as he had thought. He's 
stalking Matt LeBlanc now. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: Saturday Night Live premiered 
on television when you were 12 years 


old. Did you manage to stay awake for 
the entire show? 

MACDONALD: My older brother and I al- 
ways watched late TV, and we had our 
favorites. My friends loved Belushi or 
Aykroyd, but I loved Chevy Chase. The 
funniest thing to me about Chevy was 
that he'd do an impression of Gerald 
Ford that was no impression. It was just 
Chevy. That was the funniest thing Га 
ever seen. Do an impression of someone 
and don't even try! My favorite show was 
Dean Martin's. It was huge. He'd have a 
drink and a smoke in one hand. He was 
in a sketch with Ruth Buzzi—they're 
supposed to be married and Buzzi is i 
this housevife getup. Then Mart 
wearing his tux from the monolog, 
his drink and butt going, just plays 
straight to the camera. Buzzi's complete- 
ly in character and he's just reading his 
lines. Then their neighbor shows up— 
it’s Frank Sinatra. Dean Martin always 
made me laugh. He didn't care. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: You have more than a little ех- 
perience with manual labor. Do Cana- 
dians actually don those plaid flan- 
nel shirts when they have heavy lifting 
to do? 

MACDONALD: Everybody wore those in 
Canada. From the ages of 14 to 24, I 
would move from town to town in Cana- 
da, doing jobs that didn't pay much but 
were cool. 1 worked in a logging camp 
and in an oil field. I stumbled into com- 
edy. In Ottawa, our nation's capital, me 
and my buddies used to go to this come- 
dy club. I didn't understand why the au- 
dience was laughing because the guys 
onstage didn't seem that funny. So I said 
to myself, “This is great, I can do this.” 
It’s much easier than picking tobacco in 
Tillsonburg, Ontario, where you're bent 
over, your back hurts and they make you 
sleep on a bunk in a big barn. With 
stand-up, other than the hour a night 
when you do comedy, you're a drifier, al- 
most like a serial killer, and you go from. 
province to province and stay in bad ho- 
tels. 1 bombed most of the time. I was 
very unpolished, and I still am. I don't 
know why, but to me the funniest thing is 
trying to make people laugh and having 
them hate you. If you're a bad singer, 
they feel sorry for you. But if you're try- 
ing to make them laugh and you fail, 
they hate you so bad. Whenever I would 
bomb, I'd get happy. Comedy is about 
unexpected things. So if you're trying to 
make a guy laugh and he doesn't, that's 
funny, right? 


14. 


PLAYBOY: Does a round of golf relieve the 
pressure of doing sketch comedy? 

MACDONALD: I'm really bad. I keep buy- 
ing new clubs because I think that will 
help. I'm always right near 100. If you 
get a par and then a bogey, you've fig- 
ured out golf. You'll be good the rest of 


MAery muepHY 


“No need to make small talk, Mr. Ludlow. 


This is a whorehouse, remember? 


143 


PLAYBOY 


your life. Two years ago I was in a 
celebrity golf tournament. I’m standing 
there with these two guys, waiting for 
the fourth, and one guy says to me, 
"They haven't told us who our celebrity 
is." Like he thinks the fourth guy is go- 
ing to be the fucking celebrity. It was re- 
ally horrifying to identify myself. I was 
trying to give them my bio as we played, 
but they were obviously disappointed. 
Plus I stink as a golfer, so I wasn't help- 
ing their score. In the foursome ahead of 
us was Scott Baio, and they kept saying, 
“There's that guy Chachi.” So then I 
made up a story that I knew Baio. I told 
them we'd all get together afterward. 
God, it was so humiliating. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: You and Adam Sandler are 
good nds. Tell us, is he really that 
way? 

MACDONALD: Yeah. What is frustrating for 
Adam and those who know him is that 
because he does juvenile stuff, people 
think he's stupid. There are people in 
the comedy community who look down 
on him. They spend all their time acting 
hip and dressing in black and doing al- 
ternative comedy, whatever that is. San- 
dler, though, is the real thing. He knows 
what's funny and he knows what's hack. 
He does what's funny, but because it's sil- 
ly, people put him in the same category 
as Pauly Shore. Which is i 


does smart juvenile stuff. 


16. 


рлүвоу: What do you tell your four- 
year-old son you do for a living? 
MACDONALD: I just tell him I do jokes, but. 
I hope he doesn't think you can actually 
do that for a living. I tell him Pm on TV. 
He hasn't watched the show since San- 
dier left. He got upset. He liked Captain 
Jim and Pedro and Canteen Boy and Ca- 
jun Man. He liked all Sandler's stuff. 
He's boycotting the show and telling all 
his friends not to watch it. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: A couple of phone calls and a 
good word from a friend reportedly 
landed you a writer's job at SNL. Can 
you pass on some advice to aspiring 
comedians? 

MACDONALD: There is this myth that if 
you go out and kill in the elevator—nev- 
er take no for an answer—that you'll get 
a job. That never happens in real life. 
Lorne told me that no is a good answer 
and that an aspiring comedian should 
take that as an answer. I got lucky be- 
cause I didn't have to audition. I can't 
perform without an audience. I need 
people laughing. I don't have the confi- 
dence that these actors have. I have no 
training. I did take improvisation classes 
for a while in Los Angeles. In one class a 
guy handed me something invisible. The 
way he was holding it I thought it was a 
grapefruit, so I cut it in half. And it 
turned out it was his baby that I sliced in 


K3 


i MY BALLS Are ^ | 
IN Your Court. f Рула 


5кегтет : 


half and put a maraschino cherry on. 
"That was so humiliating. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Your David Letterman turn was 
dead-on, despite the fact that the gap in 
your front teeth is on the bottom. Do 
you think Letterman regards your im- 
pression as the sincerest form of flattery? 
MACDONALD: I talked with him afterward. 
He hadn't seen it, but he said, “Look, I 
trust you and I like you and I trust that it 
was all right.” The problem was that 
Dole was gone. I had to do somebody. I 
don't consider what I did scathing. It’s a 
straight impression. I am not Fred Trav- 
elina. I can't figure out voices. I can do 
Letterman because I've watched almost 
every show and I love him. We all do im- 
pressions of Letterman in some way, be- 
cause he's invaded our consciousness so 
much that we're all doing ironic detach- 
ment. It shows how great he is. He's 
changed how people speak. I have prob- 
lems with the Letterman thing. I don't 
like doing impressions more than once 
unless there's a reason. And Letterman 
is the funniest guy there is right now. We 
can't parody the guy because he's too 
hip. He's already doing a self-parody. 
He knows there's nothing you can do 
against him. Our show is not as funny as 
Letterman's show. I'm not as funny as 
he is. So I am very reverent with David 
Letterman. 


19: 


PLAYEOY: You're an avowed Howard 
Stern fan. In the spirit of the shock jock, 
would you care to comment on the size 
of your penis and share your opinion оп 
lesbians? 

MACDONALD: One thing about my penis is 
that it’s the same size when it's soft as 
when it's not soft. I thought everyone 
was like that, but some guys told me, no, 
their penises are tiny when they're not 
erect. Mine, when it's flaccid, is average. 
It’s six inches. When people hear that, 
they think when my penis is erect, 
maybe it’s 14 inches. But it’s exactly the 
same length when it’s erect. It’s just a 
different rigidity. I don’t know why. As 
for lesbians, I don’t like seeing women 
together. Isn't that odd? Every guy I 
know loves watching lesbians. I have to 
identify with someone in the scene. I 
have to sce a guy. Two girls make it seem 
redundant. Maybe there's something 
wrong with me. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: You work in New York. Your 
wife lives in Los Angeles. Is separation 
by 3000 miles and three time zones con- 
ducive to a healthy relationship? 

MACDONALD: It’s good because you don't 
have to live with the same person all the 
time, every day, constantly. Who wants 


that? 


LONDON CALLING 


(continued from page 100) 
trip-hopper Tricky and jungle whiz Gol- 
die over their onetime mutual Icelan- 
dic love, Bjork. 

In the U.S., the energy the French 
were trying to describe is called atti- 
tude—and London's rising stars have it. 
"These icons of our time are square pegs 
in a round hole," wrote The Guardian, 
referring to McQueen, the Gallagher 
brothers and artist Damien Hirst. 

“Thanks to odd licensing laws that once 
had all pubs and drinking establish- 
ments issuing last call at 11 r.m., London 
now, paradoxically, has one of the most. 
vigorous nightclub scenes in the world. 
You may continue drinking if you pay to 
do something else: listen to jazz, go to a 
rock concert or dance. Or you can join a 
private club. So many clubs mushroom. 
into and out of existence that when the 
gigantic Ministry of Sound celebrated its 
fifth birthday, it came up with the slogan 
"Lasts longer than a royal marriage." 

For years the Brits have struggled with 
a well-known lack of national self-es- 
teem, which is typically attributed to the 
loss of empire, to the Labor Party and to 
lingering economic scars from World 
War Two. The new generation has jetti- 
soned the old self-deprecating attitude. 
Some credit the economy. (It's had three 
years of steady growth driven by Lon- 
don’s suength as an international center 
of finance.) One magazine recently 
claimed Brits have only lately realized 
they can still do things well (e.g., make а 


қ E 2 № 5% rc 
good-looking—if not necessarily fine- | Ifyoure a Jack Daniels drinker we'd like to hear from you. How about dropping us a line, 
tuned—car such as the Jaguar XK8). 


Still others point to the good showing in JACK DANIELS WHISKEY is made with 


the 1990 World Cup. Some people say | ironfree water from a Tennessee limestone cave. 


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Hirst and a group of other unknown 


and marginalized artists staged their | [n che Hollow we're never too hurried to pause 


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film critics will argue that the baroness | for a drink from our Tennessee cave 


"Thatcher's boot on those in the gutter 
actually inspired the kind of animosity | spring and give thanks for its ironfree 
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Danny Boyle) to show the harsh realities | Water. You see, since 1866 this natural 
wrought by conservatism. (The subse- 5 
quent success of the films is merely a | resource (and our charcoal mellowing 
windfall—no thanks to the Iron Lady.) h: f k 
Now Labor is in power again. Tony Blair | process) have accounted for Jac 


is Britain's youngest prime minister in 


= , 
is eed ci Daniel’s uncommon rareness. And, 
he took office in 1812—and the орі | we believe, for its uncommon 


mism of Blair's victory is still fresh. 


Whether or not you decide to visit | number of customers and friends. 


London, London will be visiting you. 
(We're not talking Austin Powers or other 
examples of Hurley-gone-Hollywood.) 


‘The brashness and independent posture SMOOTH SIPPIN' 
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PLAY 


146 


RUBBER SOUL 


(continued from page 103) 
spaces—like being allowed to party in 
the dressing room ofa strip club. 

Safe sex, safe sex, safe sex. The 1996 Skin 
"Two Rubber Ball was a benefit for Cruis- 
aids, an AIDS research and relief orga- 
nization. Always wear your rubber—it 
could save your life. 

Favorite sights from the Rubber Ball: 

ФА skinny guy who'd wrapped his 
crotch in clear cellophane. 

* A senior citizen in a red rubber body 
suit—including a hood. His outfit was so 
tight, he couldn't bend over. 

* A pair of women upstairs at the pho- 
tographer's booth. Both were dressed as 
Heidi (if Heidi were to wear a vampire. 
сар апа Vampirella canines). At first they 
were bending over and pulling their 
panties up the cracks of their asses. Lat- 
er in the night they were naked and 
sweating and doing full-on dildo pene- 
tration shots for a crowd. 

* A girl with her hair in pigtails that 
jutted from her head like stag horns. Lit 
candles were twisted into the ends of 
each tail. A woman standing next to me 
let the dripping wax fall on her nipples, 
one at a time. 

Best rubber. A gorgeous model in a full 
suit of blue rubber from hood to toe. She 
had blue Mercury wings flashing down 
the sides of her face. She was quite possi- 
bly the most beautiful fetish woman I've 
ever seen face-to-face. She took fetish 
gear beyond camp and made it pure 
couture. 


Standard uniforms. Expect to see a lot of 
men dressed as leather daddies, cops 
and soldiers. Little Bo Peeps, French 
maids and vampire vixens are legion. Al- 
so, the Goth look refuses to go away. 

Be ready for beautiful people. Um talking. 
about the better of the hotties. These are 
not old swingers who show up at some 
sad nightclub. These people are fresh. 
They're doing it for a hot night out. It's 
not necessarily a lifestyle. Many of the 
men are clearly gay, which adds to the 
party atmosphere, but the girls are most- 
ly hetero or bi. Most of them come in 
pairs or trios and leave their red-faced 
macho boys back home, parked on the 
couch in front of the football game. 
"Then, in the safety of their companions, 
the girls proceed to get totally wild. If 
you hook up with one, her girlfriend 
may join in. (1 found this out firsthand at 
the Los Angeles Fetish Ball and, even 
though they were both good friends of 
mine, it was still a pleasant surprise.) Any 
man who can play into the fantasy with- 
ош being a sleazy Mr. Leisure Suit (even 
anaked one is annoying) has a chance to 
be a hero for his girl—or somebody 
else’s. Your girlfriend or wife probably 
loves it. So go ahead and ask her. You not 
only will be rewarded for giving your 
lover a nasty little treat in private, but 
you will also be pleasantly surprised 
when you take the costume out for a test- 
drive in public, I dare you. 


DAUNE 
AQ. 


Lg 


“We did find one lady with similar interests, Mr. Stewart, but 
she wants to be paid for them." 


Beyond Dog 


(continued from page 128) 
followed Sheila with his eyes as she 
walked in the sand in that distinctive way 
of hers that always turned him on. She 
twisted the balls of her fect so that her 
small, high ass swiveled left and right. 
Bobby watched as she turned at the wa- 
ter's edge and began walking away. Ho- 
shi trotted beside her, well away from the 
water. The only time he ever pissed and 
moaned was when they gave him a bath. 

. 


Sheila stared silently through the 
blacked-out windows of Bobby's black 
SHO as they drove south on 1-95. Final- 
ly, Bobby said, “What's the matter?" 

“Nothing!” she snapped, not looking 
at him. Then, turning to him, she said, 
"I'm sorry, baby. It's not your fault." She 
looked down at herself dressed in a beige 
silk pleated jumpsuit. She was wearing a 
matronly wig, brown flecked with gray, 
twisted into a bun at her паре. “It's this 
fucking girdle. Reminds me of my age." 

Bobby reached a hand across the seat 
and placed it on her thigh. “I'm sorry, 
baby" 

“That's all right, Bobby." She smiled at 
him as they passed the Miami skyline, 
the glass skyscrapers illuminated eerily 
by pastel lights, pink and green and 
blue. “I'm curious, though. Why do I 
have to wear a girdle?” 

“You got your Seecamp?” 

Sheila rummaged through her hand- 
bag and pulled out her chrome-plated 
Seecamp .32, six shots, double action on- 
ly. He'd given it to her two years ago- 
“It's so pretty," she'd said when he hand- 
ed it to her. "So tiny. It doesn't seem 
real." 

“Now, stick the gun inside your girdle. 
The spic isn’t going to pat you down . - . 
I hope." 

She unbuttoned the jumpsuit to her 
navel and stuck the little gun into the 
front of it. "It's cold," she said. She 
moved her hips seductively. “Feels good, 
though.” 

When they reached Coral Gables they 
turned left, toward the ocean. Bobby 
slowed the car, pulled out Sol's piece of 
paper and squinted at the numbers on it, 
then glanced at the numbers on the 
houses. Mansions. Spanish Mediterra- 
nean, most of them. Some looked like 
English Tudors. The Anglos, Sheila 
thought. She looked up. An insistent 
breeze from the ocean rustled the leaves 
of the big royal palms lining the street, 
reflecting the white moonlight. 

"We're getting close," Bobby said. 
Sheila appreciated the tall, wrought-iron 
gates and fences, the big circular drive- 
ways, the Rolls Royces, Benzes, Ferraris 
and BMWs, all illuminated by landscape 
lights. Another world, she thought. 

“At dinner, baby,” Bobby was saying, 
“you make sure to sit by me. Things start 


to go bad, you'll know. You get up, go to 
the ladies’ room to powder your nose. 
Take the Seecamp out, put it in your 
purse, come back, put the purse under 
the table, at your feet. A few minutes lat- 
er, you drop your napkin, something, 
reach under the table, drop the Seecamp 
into my boot." 

She smiled at him. 

A few minutes later, Bobby muttered 
“Jesus” and stopped in front ofa 12-foot- 
high concrete wall topped with razor 
wire. "You think this 

Bobby announced himsclf at the call 
box and the big wrought-iron gate 
opened electronically. They drove slowly 
up the long driveway, past the palms and 
hibiscuses and frangipani. Two men, 
cradling Uzis, stood guard at the front, 
one of them leashed to an enormous 
rottweiler. The one with the dog hurried 
to Sheila's door and opened it, but when 
she reached out her hand he ignored it. 
and reached for her handbag. On his 
opposite side, the dog strained at its col- 
lar. Sheila stepped out of the car and 
stared directly into the dog's eyes with 
her own cool blue eyes. It looked away 
and whimpered. Sheila reached down 
to stroke the fur behind its ears. *Nice 
boy," she said. The dog pulled away 
from her touch. 

The other man gestured with his Uzi 
and Bobby got out and raised his hands 
over his head. The man patted him 
down as the big, hand-carved door 
opened. A pudgy little man in a white 
linen suit stood outlined in the light of. 
the doorway. His tiny feet were in black 
patent leather Guccis and his long, black 
hair, flecked with silver, was greased and 
combed straight back from a soft, pouty 
face. His eyes were big and dark, like a 
child's. 

"Senor Esquared," the man said, smil- 
ing. "Senor Rogers has told me much 
about you." 

"Senor Rogers?" Bobby asked. 

The man looked confused. 
Esol Rogers, your associate." 

“Oh, yes. Senor Rogers. He has told 
me great things about you, too, Senor 
Medina." 

The man grinned and nodded with 
satisfaction. 

Smugglers, Bobby thought. They 
crave recognition. 

"The man who had searched Sheila's 
bag was now patting her down, running 
his hands down her back. Senor Medina 
frowned and snapped something in 
Spanish. The man yanked his hand 
away. 

“Please excuse the precautions, 
senorita,” Medina said to Sheila. “A man 
in my position. . . ." He shrugged. 

"You're too kind, senor. But, of course, 
it's senora. Senora Sheila Doyle." She 
reached out a hand. 

He shook the tips of her fingers. Then 
he stared at her for a moment, this tall 
Anglo woman. He said something in 


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Spanish to his two men and barely per- 
ceptible smiles crossed their lips. 

"Gracias, Senor Medina," Sheila said. 
“Por los cumplimientos.” 

Medina looked startled. Then he 
smiled. “You speak my tongue, senora.” 

“Un poquito.” Sheila wiggled her fin- 
gers a bit. 

“Come in, come in,” the man said. 
“Welcome to my humble campesino 
house.” He turned and walked inside. 

Right, Bobby thought. А poor man's 
shack. Maybe five, six mil, not counting 
the half mil in electronic security. 

Bobby followed Sheila through the 
door. She glanced back and whispered, 
"That's the only Spanish sentence I 
know." 

Yeah, Bobby thought, but now the lit- 
tle bastard thinks we understand Span- 
ish. Which couldn't hurt. 

Medina led them into the living room, 
his tiny Gucci heels clicking against the 
white tile floor. The living room looked 
like the set for one of those born-again- 
Christian TV programs. Overstuffed 
lavender sofa. Two pink armchairs shad- 
ed with gilt. China figurines. Hummels. 
Expensive kitsch bought by people with 
no taste. Bobby looked for the big cross, 
butsaw only a huge color photo over the 
marble fireplace. 

"Ah, you noticed," said Medina, ges- 
turing toward the photograph. "My 
wife, Lucinda." 

"Beautiful," said Bobby. The woman 
looked about 35, heavily made-up, a puff 
of pinkish blonde hair like a halo sur- 
rounding her pretty, small-featured face, 
which wouldn't age well. She'd get fat, 
Bobby thought, and look like a plump 
pigeon. 

Medina stepped through sliding glass 
doors to an outdoor bar alongside a 
heart-shaped swimming pool. His wife, 
sitting at the bar nursing a drink, looked 
up with a small jerk, as if frightened. She 
was maybe 20 years older than her pic- 
ture, 20 pounds heavier. Just like a pi- 
geon, Bobby thought, a plump pigeon in 
a flowing pink caftan. 

Medina introduced them. Sheila 
flashed Lucinda her patented 8x10- 


glossy smile. Lucinda returned a quick, 
nervous little smile. A Nicaraguan bar- 
tender in white served drinks. Another 
servant appeared with a tray of caviar 
and toast. Medina snapped something in 
Spanish and one of the white-clad ser- 
vants hovering in the darkness hustled 
inside. He returned with a long box, 
which Medina opened, showing it to 
Bobby and Sheila. Nestled on tissue pa- 
per was a replica ofan Uzi machine gun, 
except that it was carved out of ivory. 

“Му good friends from the estate of Is- 
rael gave me this," he said. "In gratitude 
for my assistance. A little matter of a 
Hamas terrorist. He turned up in Miami 
trying to buy Cemtex. He was very 
foolish. Made the wrong connections. 
Poof!” Medina wiped the palms of his 
hands as if to clean them of blood. "It is 
lovely, no 

"Lovely!" said Sheila. 

"But at times, a patriot needs more 
than artifacts, eh, senora?” 

Sheila smiled and nodded. 

"Come, Senor Esquared. Let the wom- 
en talk while I show you the grounds." 

Bobby and Medina walked into the 
warm, humid darkness, leaving the two 
women at the bar. Bobby glanced back to 
sce Sheila, smiling, trying to make con- 
versation. The plump woman nodded 
nervously, like a toy bird dipping its 
head for water. 

“I have lived in your country 30 
years," said Medina as they walked 
across the huge expanse of lawn toward 
what looked like a garage. “But I am still 
a Cuban. My wife is a Cuban. My chil- 
dren. We will die only Cubans. Do you 
understand?" Bobby nodded. Medina 
went on. "Even here in exile 1 go to Mass 
every morning as I did in Havana, years 
ago, before that bandit destroyed my 
country." 

He stepped into a dark mound in the 
grass and screamed, “Aiee! Fucking 
dogs!" He danced aside and wiped his 
shoe furiously on the grass. 

When they came to the garage, Medi- 
na pushed a button to open the doors. 
The doors rolled up, a light went on and 
Bobby was staring at a beautifully re- 


stored, lipstick-red 1957 Cadillac Coupe 
de Ville convertible with white leather 
upholstery. 

"Is beautiful, no?" Medina said, smil- 
ing at the car. 

“Very beautiful," Bobby said. 

The little man went over to the gleam- 
ing car, ran his hands lovingly along its 
fender. “It is the same model I used to 
ride through the streets of Havana," he 
said. "I found this one and restored it 
myself. A hobby of mine, mechanical 
things. It took me five years but that did 
not matter.” He looked at Bobby. "Do 
you know what sustained me, Senior Es- 
quared?" Bobby shook his head no. 
Medina said, "The knowledge that one 
day Lucinda and I will drive this car 
again through the streets of Havana, 
past cheering crowds welcoming me 
home from exile. I come here at night to 
stare at this beautiful thing. 1 see myself 
in it back in Cuba." He looked at Bobby. 
“Га give itall up, you know. This house, 
the life, to return.” 

Sure you would, Bobby thought. A 
humble patriot. Not a fucking ruthless 
butcher. Not a guy who once, Sol 
claimed, blew a Cuban airliner out of the 
sky, 288 innocent people, some of them 
exiles from Miami, because he wanted 
to make a point. “You know what they 
call him?” Sol had said. “El Loco. The 
Crazy One” 

"Don't misunderstand me, Senor 
Esquared,” Medina was saying. “I am 
grateful to America. It's been very good 
to me. And it's made me rich. But a pa- 
wiot needs something more. His roots. 
My roots are in Havana. My father is 
buried there. He was a great patriot. He 
fought that butcher, Castro, until my fa- 
ther was captured. I was only a boy. My 
mother and I were called to the prison to 
watch. We had to stand in the hot sun 
while they brought my father out in 
front of Castro. Castro made him kneel 
at his feet. He told him to bow his head, 
but my father refused. He looked up in- 
to that butcher's eyes and defied him to 
kill him man-to-man. And that coward, 
that bastard. . . ." Medina's fingers 
jabbed the night air. saliva forming in 


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his cheeks, spittle on his lips, as he raged 
on. "That pig bastard didn't have the 
courage. He turned to one of his hench- 
men, an American, a hired assassin, this 
big fucking gringo, and he handed him 
his pistola, a P-38, a Nazi gun, of course, 
and said, “Неге, gringo, you do it. He is 
not worth my time.’ And the gringo shot 
my father between the еуез.” 

Medina stopped talking. Finally, he 
said, "Excuse me, Senor Esquared. I am 
a man of passion. You understand. For 
my people, passion is everything. Pas- 
sion is the food that keeps me alive. 
Makes me remember my enemies." He 
smiled. "And my friends. Will you be my 
friend, Senor Esquared?" 

Bobby dipped his head slightly, as if to 
bow, and stretched out his hand. "It 
would be an honor to be your friend, 
Senor Medina." 

The little man nodded, took the tips of 
Bobby's fingers in his and held them a 
moment. In the moonlight, Bobby could 
see that his face was still dark from his 
outburst. 

"Good, senor. That is good. I know I 
can trust you." 

Yeah, Bobby thought. But can I trust 
you? 

. 


During dinner Medina hardly spoke, 
except to snap at his servants and once to 
whisper a few words to one of his body- 
guards. The man backed off slowly, bow- 
ing slightly, turned and disappeared 
through the sliding glass doors. 

Sheila looked quizzically at Bobby, but 
he shook his head and put a firm hand 
on her arm to prevent her from going to 
the bathroom. No sense taking chances. 
Senor Medina's mood had soured. The 
little bastard's mind was still back in Ha- 
vana and he seemed to be tasting ге- 
venge with every morsel of food he 
jabbed into his mouth. His wife ate with 
her head down, the good Cuban wife. 
She must be terrified out of her wits, 
Bobby thought, the things she knows. 
Jesus, the poor old broad! 

Bobby tried to make small talk with 
Senora Medina, but the woman just 
flashed her tiny, terrified smile and 
looked down again at her food. 

When the silent dinner was over, Me- 
dina snapped his fingers and a servant 
appeared with a leather briefcase. Medi- 
na handed it to Bobby. "My grocery list, 
Senor Esquared. Do you think you can 
fill it?” 

“No problem,” said Bobby. 

“It is a very extensive list, Senor 
Esquared." 

“I can fill it.” 

“1 have heard of only one man in your 
city who can supply such items. Difficult 
to contact." 

“I have my sources.” 

“Yes, that's what [ am told.” The man 
was silent fora moment. Then he said, 
“You know, of course, this man, this man 


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with the guns, is not sympathetic to my 
caus 

“Мо?” 

“I have heard this." He smiled. “I, too, 
have my sources. They tell me it is neces- 
sary you exercise, how do you say, dis- 
cretion as to your buyer with this man.” 

“It is understood, Senor Medina.” 

“Good. Then how long will it take 
you?" 

“Maybe a few weeks." 

"A few weeks is no problem. More 
than that . . ." Medina shrugged. “So let 
us agree, two wecks it is." 

Bobby reached his hand toward Me- 
dina. The little man took his fingertips. 
His fingers were cold. 

“Agreed,” Bobby said. 

"A telephone number and a name аге 
on the list. My associate Raoul. You will 
contact only him from now on. He will 
explain the details of the transfer of the 
groccrics.” 

Bobby nodded. 

“The dollars, of course, are there too.” 

“Of course.” 

“Would you like to count them?” 

"It's not necessary.” 

“Good.” 

Later, as they drove back to Fort Lau- 
derdale, Bobby told Sheila what had 
happened in the campesino hut, and, for 
the first time, he told her about Sol's 
warnings. 

Sheila shuddered. “What a scary little 
man!” 


‘Two weeks later, during spring break, 
a college student—a wrestler from the 
University of Pennsylvania—was stroll- 
ing on Fort Lauderdale beach, taking in 
all the girls glistening in the sun a few 
yards from the Mark Hotel's Chickee 
Bar. His eye fell on a gorgeous one lying 
close to the water, on her stomach. A 
small red-and-white dog lay on the blan- 
ket beside her, sunning itself too. She 
had a perfect tan, a beautiful ass and 
short blonde hair like a crew cut. He 
paused a moment, looked down at his 
own winter-white body, then made up 
his mind. 

“Excuse me,” he said. The dog sat up, 
alert. “Excuse me!” he said more loudly. 
She rolled over onto her back, shading 
her eyes with the flat of her hand. He felt 
foolish. This woman was in her late thir- 
ties. “I'm sorry,” he said. “1 was just won- 
dering what kind of dog you have.” He 
smiled, 

She looked at him with cold blue eyes 
and rolled back onto her stomach. The 
boy hesitated uncertainly, and then 
retreated. 

It had been funny at first, Sheila 
thought. College boys hitting on her. 
Now it was a pain. She shaded her eyes 
again and looked up at the Chickee Bar, 
where Bobby was conducting business 
with a character called Machine Gun 
Bob. They sat at a table close to the sand. 


Bobby was in his bikini, all tan and mus- 
cles, and Machine Gun was in his cam- 
ouflage cutoffs and SS thunderbolt neck- 
lace, with swastika tattoos on his 
reddish-burnt skin. Fucking poster boy 
for Hitler youth, Sheila thought. She did 
not like Machine Gun. 

She saw Bobby stand up and shake 
Machine Gun's hand. He came toward 
her now, his big body shaded by the sun 
at his back. Hoshi scrambled up to greet 
him and Bobby bent to ruffle the fur at 
the base of his neck. Sheila looked into 
Bobby's shadowed face, her eyebrows 
raised. 

"It's all settled, baby,” he said. “To- 
morrow at midnight.” 

“I can't stand that guy,” she said. “Just 
look at him.” 

Bobby laughed. “Yeah, they're all into 
that shit, those gun freaks. You should 
see his van. Nazi helmets, uniforms, 
medals." 

“Yeah, well, it's spook 

“Don’t worry, baby. Machine Gun's 
OK. Just your average stoned Nazi 
surfer dude who deals in guns." 

"He's a pig." 

Bobby was losing patience. "Listen, 
baby. I need him. Nobody gets to the 
man with the guns without Machine 
Gun. And Machine Gun is coming 
through for us. For $25,000, what's not 
to like?” 


The next evening as they drove west 
on State Road 84, Hoshi sat on the brief- 
case beside Bobby. Sheila sat by the pas- 
senger window, staring out at the gas sta- 
tions, the ramshackle barbecue joints, 
the seedy country-and-western bars, 
their parking lots filled. with trucks 
owned by rednecks who fancied them- 
selves to be cowboys. 

“Keep your eyes peeled for the diner, 
baby,” Bobby said. “It looks like one of 
those old-fashioned Airstream trailers. 
"That's where Medina's man will be with 
the van.” He had already told her the 
plan. They would park at the diner, 
drive the van out to the ranch where the 
guns were, load them, return the van to 
Medina’s man at the diner and drive 
back home with their cut. Twenty-five 
thousand. 

Sheila absentmindedly began stroking 
the fur behind Hoshi’s left ear. “Bobby,” 
she said. “I still don’t know why we had 
to bring Hosh. It could be dangerous.” 

"Hoshi's the burglar alarm." He 
glanced at her. "He's gotta earn his keep, 
too. Ain't that right, Hosh?" The dog 
looked at him and then out the front 
window. No dog's as smart as a Shiba 
Inu, Bobby thought. 

Sheila reached into her leather satch- 
el, felt the cool, chrome-plated Seecamp, 
found her cigarettes. She lit one and 
inhaled. 

“Here, baby. Take the wheel.” 

She held the steering wheel whi 


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152 


Bobby reached behind his back. He 
withdrew a black CZ-75, racked the slide 
to put a round in the chamber and stuck 
the gun in his belt. 

“I thought you trusted that Nazi surf 
er," Sheila said. 

He glanced at her. "The only person 1 
trust, baby, is you." 

"They drove awhile in the darkness, 
then Bobby said, "The gun guy's some 
kind of Aryan Nation guy, you know, 
those racists. Lives out in the woods with 
his pit bull and enough guns to start his 
own revolution. The Reverend Tom of 
the Aryan Mountain Kirk, whatever the 
fuck that means. Has all these skinheads 
and Nazis out to his ranch for midnight 
cross burnings, then a nice church sup- 
per prepared by the ladies." Bobby 
laughed. "The reverend hates niggers 
but hates spics even more." 

“There it is." Sheila pointed ahead to a 
shiny aluminum diner set back off the 
road. Bobby turned into the deserted 
parking lot and reminded himself that. 
the lot would probably be full of trucks 
when they returned with the guns. He 
drove around the brightly lit diner to the 
dark back parking lot and pulled in next 
to a white van. 

"You wait here," he said, and got out. 

Hoshi leaped up and followed Bobby 
with his eyes. "Good boy, Hosh,” Sheila 
said, stroking his neck. A man got out of 
the van. She couldn't make out his face 
in the darkened lot, but he seemed tiny 
next to Bobby's bulk. He handed Bobby 
something and walked around to the 
front of the diner. Bobby waved for 
Sheila. 

Sheila took the briefcase and her bag 
and got out. Hoshi jumped out after her. 
When she slid into the van's passenger. 


seat, Hoshi stood outside. He began to 
bark and back up nervously. 

"Come on, Hosh,” Sheila said. But the 
dog kept barking and backing up, then 


lunging at Sheila. He took her jeans cuff 


in his teeth. 

“What the hell's the matter with him?” 
Bobby snapped. "Get him into the fuck- 
ing van." 

Sheila grabbed Hoshi's collar and 
pulled him onto her lap. He squirmed. 
“What's the matter, baby?" she said. 

“Hoshi, cut it out for Christ's sake!" 
Bobby snapped again. The dog stopped 
squirming but began to whimper, staring 
at Bobby. Bobby ignored him and held. 
up the keys the man had given him. 
"One's to arm the engine burglar 
alarm," Bobby said. "The other's to arm 
the rear doors so they can't be opened." 
Bobby found the remote transmitter 
with a strip of white tape on it. He 
pressed the button and all the doors 
locked with a click, the front lights 
blinked and the alarm armed itself with a 
chirp. Bobby started the engine. 

*What about the rear doors?" Sheila 
asked. 

Bobby showed her the remote with 
the red tape on it. “Red for the rear. The 
back-door remote operates only with a 
full load in back. The little spic was very 
specific. Muy importante we arm the rear 
doors the minute the van is loaded with 
the guns. No sooner, no later. Fucking 
paranoid Medina." Bobby backed the 
van out of the space and drove around 
the diner. Through the diner's windows, 
he saw the little man seated alone at the 
counter, sipping coffee. "We come back 
with the guns," Bobby said, "we just 
hand the little spic the keys and we're 
home free." 


"That's my baby on the left—the Lexus." 


Fifteen minutes later, they were 
bouncing over a rutted dirt road so nar- 
row that scrub bushes and small pines 
brushed against their windows. Off to 
the left, tiny green lights flickered and 
disappeared. 

“Deer,” Bobby said. 

Soon they arrived at a clearing, then a 
small rise, more like a bump in the road, 
and then a hand-painted sign that said 
ARYAN MOUNTAIN KIRK, PASTOR TOM MILLER. 
A small, dilapidated, wood-frame crack- 
er house was up ahead and beside it sat a 
Quonset hut-like barn of corrugated 
aluminum painted in green and brown 
camouflage patches. 

Bobby parked the van a few yards 
from the front door and waited. A light 
came on over the door, and a huge, old- 
er man filled the doorway. He must have 
been 66”, 300 pounds. "Jesus Н. Christ," 
Bobby said. The man was mythic-look- 
ing, with a John Brown spade beard and 
combat boots and bib overalls that. 
strained against his belly and chest. 

“wait here," Bobby said. "I don't come 
out in ten minutes, you start the engine 
and drive the fuck out of here." 

She showed him her Seecamp. "You 
don't come out, I'm going in after you." 

"Christ, Sheila. That little thing will 
only piss him off. A couple of shots from 
that would be like mosquito bites.” 

Sheila shrugged. “Whatever, Bobby. 
Sure." 

Bobby got out of the van and the huge 
man approached, followed by a muscu- 
lar white pit bull, about Hoshi's size. 
Hoshi flattened his ears and began to 
growl low in his throat. 

A few words were exchanged, the men 
shook hands and then the huge man 
seemed to embrace Bobby. He picked 
the pistol out of Bobby's belt with thumb 
and forefinger, as if it were something 
rancid, and tossed it into the bushes. 
Then he put one of his massive arms 
around Bobby's shoulders and walked 
him toward the Quonsct hut. It was the 
first time Bobby had ever looked small to 
Sheila. 

"The fur on Hoshi's back bristled, and 
he growled again. Sheila scratched his 
ears, but he paid no attention. "Every- 
thing's going to be all right, Hosh,” she 
said as the two men and the pit bull dis- 
appeared into the hut. 


Inside the hut, the Reverend Miller 
introduced his dog. "I call him Dog- 
Dog," he said, and reached down to pat 
his head. "He's a loyal guy. An Aryan, 
too." He winked at Bobby and smiled. 
"White race got to stick together, Bob- 
by." He laughed. "You can go ahead and 
pet him. He won't bite. Not unless I tell 
him to.” 

Bobby stroked the pit bull's back, 
which was covered with scars. His ears 


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154 


were clipped for fighting and his eyes 
were mean and yellow. 

“Bobby Squared, huh?" the reverend 
said. "What kind of a name is that?” 

Bobby thought for a moment, decided 
to chance it, looked up into the huge 
man's eyes and said, "It used to be 
Robert Redfeather, when I was on the 
reservation." 

"It did, huh? You should have kept it. 
Indians are a noble race. They should 
never have let us in. Ruined the whole 
damn neighborhood." He threw his 
head back and roared with laughter. 
"Come on. Let's see what I got for you." 

"The Quonset hut was hot and smelled 
of mildew and hay and horseshit and, 
strangely, gun oil. A card table was 
stacked high with pamphlets and books: 
Letters From the Mountain Kirk. The Turner 
Diaries. The Brotherhood. The Order. The 
reverend palmed a copy of The Holy Book 
of Adolph Hitler. “What a great man, eh, 
Bobby?" 

“If you say so, Reverend.” 

"The man winked again and then, with 
a vast gesture of his meaty arm, mo- 
tioned toward the far end of the hut, 
where Bobby saw a barren altar with a 
wooden pulpit and behind it not a cross 


but an enormous Nazi flag pinned to 
the wall. 

“The faithful love that shit," said the 
reverend. "Hitler, swastikas, burning. 
crosses. Keeps 'em happy.” He shook his 
head mournfully. "But so what? If that's 
what they want, fine, I'll give it to 'em." 

"Where were you ordained, Rever- 
end?" Bobby said. 

"Where?" 'The man glared. "Where? 
Right fucking here. I came out here опе 
night and ordained myself." He crossed 
the room and unlocked a door to the 
right of his pulpit. “I’m my own fucking 
god, Bobby. After you.” 

Bobby stepped into a smaller room 
filled floor to ceiling with cardboard 
boxes. They were stamped in black let- 
ters: BRNO. PRODUCT OF CZECHOSLOVAKIA; 
ISRAEL MILITARY INDUSTRIES; LLAMA GABI- 
LANDO, PRODUCT OF SPAIN; NORINCO, PROD- 
UCT OF THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF CHINA; 
BERETTA, PRODUCT OF ITALY. The reverend 
opened a box stamped norınco and 
held up an AK-47. “1 believe this is what 
you're looking for?" He racked the slide, 
aimed the AK at Bobby's forehead and 
pulled the trigger. Click. He threw back 
his head and roared again, his booming 
laughter echoing off the aluminum 


.. "He says they've never come in contact 
with anyone from the outside world before—except 
on the Internet." 


walls. He tossed the AK to Bobby and be- 
gan to open other boxes, producing CZ- 
75 pistols, Uzis, a Llama .45. 

Bobby handed back the AK. “ 
thing but the Llama," he said. 
doesn't like those spic guns. 

"A man after my own heart. Here, let 
me show you something." He went over 
to a closet and opened the door. Ten 
big tins labeled SURVIVAL CRACKERS were 
stacked on the floor. The clothes rack 
was lined with satin Ku Klux Klan robes. 
in several colors. "I got red, I got green, 
I got yellow." The reverend touched 
them. "Robes for every occasion. For- 
mal, casual, beachwear. They love it. But 
this"—he pulled a box from one of the 
upper shelves and held it out to Bobby— 
"is what I wanted to show you.” He 
opened the lid and gently parted the lay- 
ers of tissue paper. 

It was a Cuban flag. Three blue 
stripes, two white stripes, a white star in 
a red triangle. The flag was soiled and 
ripped in places, blackened with gun- 
powder, stained with dried blood. The 
reverend watched Bobby as he looked at 
the flag, then he, too, looked at it. 

*] fought for this flag," he said, tap- 
ping Bobby's arm for emphasis. ^I be- 
lieved in it. It was the only thing I ever 
believed in. I carried it into battle in the 
Sierra Maestra, and into Havana after 
we routed Batista. 1 was mobbed, like 
a god. The people shouted, "Gringo! 
Gringo!" I could have had anything I 
wanted. Anything! But I only wanted the 
revolution to work. They were good 
people. I became an outlaw in my own. 
country for them.” 

He spat on the floor. “And how did 
that bastard Castro repay me? He waited 
until we cleaned the Batista forces out, 
then he came in two days later, the con- 
quering hero. He pinned a medal on 
my chest in the middle of Havana, with 
a couple hundred thousand people 
screaming, "Gringo! Gringo!” Fidel bent 
overand whispered in my ear, "You think 
you're bigger than me, gringo?' $о he 
put me in charge of the execution 
squads. The dirtiest fucking job, to hu- 
miliate me. I told him the Batistas had 
fought bravely, that we should let them 
into the revolution now. But he wouldn't 
listen. 1 went around the countryside 
with a firing squad. A shit detai 

The reverend shook his head. “But 1 
only once pulled the trigger myself. Fi- 
del was going to shoot this poor little 
bastard himself, with the guy's vife and 
little kid watching, the worst thing you 
can think of. They made the guy kneel 
in front of Fidel, but the bastard had 
heart. He looked right into Fidel's eyes 
and told him to pull the trigger. Fucking 
Fidel tossed me his gun and told me to 
do it. ГЇЇ never forget it. A chromed P-38, 
a Nazi gun. Fidel was never a Commu- 
nist. He was a Nazi." The reverend's 
eyes went blank. "So I shot him, poor 
guy. Two weeks later, Fidel put out a 


Every- 
My man 


warrant for my arrest. Treason.” He 
slammed the lid on the box and shoved 
it back into the closet. “] took a slow boat 
to Miami." 

When he turned back, Bobby saw with 
surprise that there were tears in his eyes. 
“After that, I didn’t give a shit. Fuck ‘em 
all. ГЇЇ arm everyone. The Jews, Hamas, 
the IRA, the Ulster Defense Force, both 
sides. Let ‘em kill each other off. God 
can sort 'em out." He smiled. "So you 
see, Bobby. I don't give a shit who these 
guns are for, as long as they're not for 
spics. Spics like to kill their own. They 
enjoy it." 

. 


When Bobby and the huge man came 

out of the Quonset hut, pushing a dolly 
loaded with boxes, Sheila sighed with re- 
lief. Bobby signaled for her to back the 
van up to the hut. She did, and heard 
the van's back doors open and the thud 
of boxes dropping. As she lit a cigarette, 
she saw the pit bull sitting outside her 
door, staring up. Hoshi climbed onto her 
lap, put his paws against the window and 
owled. “It’s all right, Hosh,” she said. 
t's all right." 
When the van was loaded with the 
boxes, the doors slammed and Sheila 
opened the window to hand Bobby the 
briefcase. Bobby counted out a wad of 
bills and handed it back то Sheila. He 
shook the man's hand. 

“Good to do business with you, 
Reverend." 

The reverend nodded. "You, too, 
Robert Redfeather.” 

Bobby opened the driver's side door 
and Hoshi leaped out. “Get back here,” 
Bobby yelled, but the dogs had already 
squared off. Before he could reach them, 
they sprang, snapping and snarling, 
their teeth flashing. The pit bull, less ag- 
ile, lunged at Hoshi like a clumsy boxer, 
but Hoshi pranced sideways, avoiding 
the lunge and snapping at the pit bull’s 
rear haunch, drawing blood. The pit 
bull reared back, faked to the left and 
caught Hoshi by the scruff of his neck, 
also drawing blood. Three quick shots 
rang out, kicking up dirt at the dogs" 
feet, and they separated, startled and 
whimpering. Both eyed Sheila, who now 
held her Seecamp steady at the pit bull. 
Bobby scooped Hoshi into his arms, 
while the reverend fell to his knees and 
hugged his scarred warrior, crying, 
“Dog-Dog, Dog-Dog, are you all right?" 

Dog-Dog writhed in his grip, straining 
to get at Hoshi, but Bobby already had 
him in the van with the door closed, 
snarling at the open window. Sheila 
pulled Hoshi onto her lap and hugged 
him while Bobby started the engine and. 
drove off. 

“15 he all right?" Bobby said. 

Sheila pressed a handkerchief against 
his neck. “I think so. It's just the skin.” 

Bobby glanced in his sideview mirror 
at the reverend, still on his knees and 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can contact 
for information on where to 
find this month's merchandise. 
To buy the apparel and equip- 
ment shown on pages 24-25, 
28, 30, 76-79, 106-107, 
122-123 and 167, check the 
listings below to find the stores 
nearest you. 


WIRED 
Pages 24-25: "DVD Up- 


stores. By Barracuda, 800- 
547-8664. Additive and 
demineralizer by Malibu 
2000, 800-622-7332. 


TRAVEL 

Page 30: "Wayfarer's Haul”: 
Magazine by Traultips, 800- 
872-8584. Newsletter and 
trip info from Freighter 
World Cruises, 800-531-7774. 
"Road Stuff”: Swiss Card 
and pocketknife by Swiss 


date": DVD players: By 
RCA, from Thomson Electronics, 800- 
336-1900. By Toshiba, 800-631-3811. By 
Panasonic, 901-348-9090. By Pioncer Elec- 
tronics, 800-PIONEER. By Sony Electronics, 
800-222-7669. DVD software: From Har- 
ner Home Video, www.dvdwb.com. From 
MGM/UA, New Line Video, Image Entertain- 
ment and Polygram, at select software and 
video stores. By Columbia/Tristar, from 
Critics’ Choice Videos, 800-367-7765. 
From Lumivision, 800-776-LUMI. By 
Pla: Enterprises, from Critics Choice 
Video, 800-367-7765. " Head—and Shoul- 
ders—Above the Rest": Headphones: By 
Recoton, 800-749-3438. By Emerson, from 
Jasco, 800-654-8483. By Sony Electronics, 
800-222-7669. “Wild Things”: Digital 
camcorder by Hitachi, 800-241-6558. Car 
security system by Mobile Security Commu- 
nications, 888-222-6721. “Multimedia Re- 
views & News": Software: By Interplay Pro- 
ductions, BOD-INTERPLAY. By Acclaim 
Entertainment, 516-656-5000. By Ubi Soft, 
800-UBI-SOFT. By Fox Interactive, www.fox 
interactive.com. By Live Interactive, 
www.liveentertainment.com. By Psjgnosis, 
800-438-7794. Software by Corel, 800-455- 
3169. “Cyber Scoop”: Video from Manga 
Entertainment, 312-751-0020. 


p”: Initial belts: By 
J-M. Weston, 212-535-2100. By Nicole Farhi, 
at Charivari, 212-333-4040. By DKNY, at 
select department stores. By Ralph Lauren, 
at Polo Sport, 212-434-8000. By Calvin 
Klein, at Macy's and Bloomingdale's. By 
Dolce es Gabbana, at Saks Fifth Avenue. By 
Hermés, 800-441-4488. By Hugo Boss, 305- 
864-7753. By Vivienne Westwood, at Mac, 
415-802-6674. "Hot Shopping: Philadel- 
р! nferno, 215-627-5489. Neo Deco, 
215-928-0627. Time Zone, 215-592-8266. 
Trash ond. Vaudeville, 215-238-8817. Ishka- 
bibbles Eatery, 215-923-4337. "Chemical 
Balance”: Shampoo and conditioner: By 
Aubrey Organics, at health and specialty 


Army Brand, 800-442-2706. 


LONDON COOL 

Pages 76-79: Suit, shirt and tie by Paul 
Smith, 212-627-9770. Jacket and pants by 
Nicole Farhi, at Marshall Field's, 312-781- 
1000. Shirt and tie by 724 Baker, at Saks 
Fifth Avenue, 212-753-4000. Jacket, pants 
and shirt by Patrick Cox, 212-759-3910. 
Shoes by Kenneth Cole, 800-KEN-COLE. Belt 
by Hugo Boss, at Moda, 412-681-8640. 
Suit, shirt and tie by Timothy Everest, at 
Barneys New York, 212-826-8900. 


HOT FOOTIN’ 

Pages 106-107: Sneakers: By Nase, 800- 
221-6627 or 800-276-6673. By Reebok, 
800-648-5550. By Nike, 800-344-6153. By 
Tommy Hilfiger, at department stores. By 
Fila, 800-717-5757. 


NIGHT CLASS 

Pages 122-123: Cellular phone by Motoro- 
la, 800-331-6456. Cigar case by Ashton, 
800-3-ASHTON. Address book at Asprey, 
212-688-1811. Cuff links, stud set, silk 
bow tie and cummerbund at Sulka, 312- 
951-9500. Pen by Montblanc, 800-995- 
4810. Wristwatch by Alfred Dunhill North 
America Lid., 800-860-8362. Lighter by Al- 
fred Dunhill of London, at Christolle, 312- 
664-9700. Key ring from Cartier, 312-266- 
7440. Pocketknife by Eka of Sweden from 
Nichols Go., 802-457-3970. Pager by Page 
Net, 800-864-2366. Money clip from Saks 
Fifth Avenue, at Saks Fifth Avenue stores. 
Tray at Christofle, 312-664-9700. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 167: "Only Way to Go": Humidor by 
Ashton, 800-3-ASHTON. Sunglasses by Cal- 
fornia Design Studio, at fine optical shops. 
Binoculars by Bushnell, 800-423-3537. 
Travel bar at Asprey, 212-688-1811. 
Alarm clock by Swiss Army Brand, 800-442- 
2706. Walkman by Sony Electronics, 800- 
222-7669. Color TV by RCA, from Thom- 
son Electronics, 800-336-1900. 


CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY BY. ғ. 5 STEVEN BARBOUR, TED BETZ, BENNO FRIEDMAN. DAVID GOODMAN. RON MESAROS, ROB RICH 


н CLOTHING ау INTERSPORT FASHIONS WES! 2 3 
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hugging his dog. 
bastard.” 

They drove in silence for a few min- 
utes until they were back on State Road 
84, heading east. Sheila inspected the 
bites on Hoshi's neck. "The bleeding's 
stopped. You're OK, aren't you, Hosh?" 
The dog licked her face. 

"Tough guy, ch, Hosh?" Bobby 
smiled. "Bit off more than you could 
chew this time. Why didn't you kill him, 
Sheila? The dog, I mean." 

“He's a dog, Bobby. Only people de- 
serve their own executions." 

"Yeah, well, a couple more minutes, 
maybe Hoshi would have had his own 
execution." 

"Then I would have killed the dog." 


"That poor old 


At two a.M., they pulled into the diner 
parking lot, now crowded with cars. 
Cowboys filled the tables at the windows, 
having breakfast. Bobby drove around 
to the back and parked the van next to 
his SHO. 

"The spic's inside. Raoul," hc said. 
“TI be right back. 

“I'm going in, too. I want to clean 
Hoshi in the ladies' room." Sheila looked 
down at her own shirt, soaked with 
blood. “And myself” 

Bobby grabbed the briefcase and 
Sheila hoisted Hoshi into her arms. 

Inside the noisy diner, she brushed 
through the crowd back toward the 
ladies’ room. A waitress stopped her. 
“You can’t bring a dog in here, honey,” 
the waitress said. 

“Watch me.” 

Meanwhile, Bobby looked for the spic. 
ГІ never find that bastard with all these 
rednecks, he thought. They were all 
dressed up like cowboys, talking loud, 
letting out rebel yells and eating with 
their hats on. Some of the rednecks 
glanced at him, a big, muscular guy with 
a bricfcasc and a ponytail. “Faggot,” one 
of them muttered. 

“Honey,” Bobby said to one of the 
waitresses. She balanced a tray of eggs 
and grits on her arm. “Did you see a lit- 
tle Latin guy in here?” 

‘The waitress blew a wisp of hair off her 
eyes. “I got time to look for spics?” She 
brushed past him. 

Another waitress told him, “Baby, I 
ain't seen or heard nothing since 1967. 1 
thought I was deaf and blind till I seen 
you standing there.” 

The third waitress remembered him. 
“A couple hours ago. Nervous little guy. 
Had a quick coffee, made a phone call 
and split.” 

Bobby wondered if maybe the red- 
necks had scared him off. He decided to 
check for messages. "Where's the phone, 
hon?” he said to the waitress. 

She pointed to the end of the diner. 
“By the little boys’ room.” 

The telephone was next to an open 
window that faced the back parking lot. 


He dialed his own number, and it began 
to ring. Through the window, Bobby saw 
his SHO, then the white van, the white 
van with all those guns in it, the white 
van with nobody watching it, no alarm 
turned on. “Shit,” he muttered. He dug 
the keys from his pocket while the phone 
still rang, found the remote with the red 
tape on it, held it out the window and 
pressed the button. 

‘The уап” rear lights blinked twice, the 
alarm chirped and then the whole thing 
exploded. The rear doors blew off, the 
side panels blew off, the guns blew out 
of the van in pieces, engulfed by flames 
and black smoke, and scattered all over 
the lot. The van was in flames, twisted 
grotesquely out of shape, and the whole 
left side of his SHO was caved in. Glass 
was everywhere, metal gun parts, van 
doors and the bumper. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” said Bobby. 

He dropped the phone, rushed out 
and almost bumped into Sheila, wide- 
eyed and scared, still holding Hoshi. 
“Bobby! What happened? Are you all 
right?” 

He grabbed her hard by the arm and 
half-dragged her out of the diner. The 
cowboys and waitresses were already 
outside. Bobby led Sheila through the 
crowd toward the highway and started 
walking very fast along the side of the 
road. In the distance, he could already 
hear the sirens of police cars and fire en- 
gines. They walked in the darkness until 
Sheila jerked him to a stop. “Enough! 
What happened?” She put Hoshi down. 

Bobby looked back at the smoke bil- 
lowing above the diner. “It was a setup,” 
he said. He told her about the reverend's 
story. “I should have figured it out. Me- 
dina knew who 1 was getting the guns 
from. He set us up. Medina didn't give a 
shit about the guns. It was revenge he 
wanted. ‘Be my friend, Senor Esquared,’ 
yeah. Friends or enemies, it made no dif- 
ference to him. The reverend was right. 
They kill their own." 

They started walking again, with Ho- 
shi trotting at their feet. When they 
came to a pay phone, Bobby called a 
taxi. They waited, Bobby, Sheila and the 
dog. Bobby reached down and stroked 
the fur behind Hoshi's ears. “I should 
have listened to you, Hosh,” he said. The 
dog's tail wagged. 

When the taxi arrived, Sheila got in 
first and Hoshi jumped in beside her. 
When Bobby got in and shut the door, 
a Pakistani, turned and said, 


Bobby looked at Sheila. "You see a дор 
in here, baby?" he said. 

"Nope." She smiled and shook her 
head. 

Bobby smiled at tbe cabbie in the 
rearview mirror. "We don't see any dog, 
Mr. 7-Eleven. Just drive." 


JASON ALEXANDER | (continued from page 120) 


“The lead guy came at me, and I smashed into him. I 
thought, I don't care if I die; this is enough." 


much. But it wasn't funny that was com- 
ing from me—it was pirated funny.” 

When he was 13 his family moved to 
Livingston, New Jersey. Feeling like he'd 
been given “а clean slate," he fell in with 
a gang of junior thespians. In his first 
show, The Sound of Music, he heard the 
sound of his future: “1 knew at that point 
that I had found my thing. I felt very 
powerful up on that stage, at a time 
when I did not feel powertul in any oth- 
er part of my life." 

By the time he was 13, he was "dead- 
ass serious" about theater, traveling six 
towns away to take tap-dancing classes. 
То get his parents to pay for voice 
lessons, he swore he was studying for his 
bar mitzvah. He knew the scores to two 
dozen Broadway shows: "When every- 
body was listening to the Beatles, I was 
listening to Fiddler and The Fantasticks." 
He was a natural and starred in count- 
less shows. At 14 he had an agent and 
a manager At 16 he appeared on a 
PBS pilot. 

Improbable as it sounds, his teenage 
role model was William Shatner. “He's 
the guy who cemented my determina- 
tion to be an actor," he says. "I didn't 
want to just copy him, I wanted to be 
him. And for years, until I got to college 
and started training, I basically did 
him—1 played Nathan Detroit as Shat- 
ner and Fagin as Shatner and Oscar 
Madison as Shatner." 

Mostly, he waited anxiously for the fu- 
ture. "I always wanted to be older than I 
was. 1 kept wishing I could get this phase 
over with; I knew my time was going to 
come." Livingston, New Jersey was not 
the place for it. "It was a very sports-ori- 
ented town, and because I was always on 
the stage, somehow I was perceived asa 
pain in the ass. A couple of kids were 
looking for a confrontation, and 1 was al- 
ways avoiding it. 1 was a chickenshit kid." 
So he signed up for karate classes. Опе 
day, a brown belt under his belt, he con- 
fronted his tormentors. "The lead guy 
came at me, and I smashed into him. I 
thought, I don't care if I die; this is 
enough. The next thing I knew I was sit- 
ting on this guy's chest with his ears in 
my hands." 

How did that feel? "Fabulous," he 
says, hacking merrily at his rack of lamb. 
“That's my touchdown for history.” 


BECOMING GEORGE 


Life on the Seinfeld set is not unlike 
Seinfeld itself. There is nonstop activity, 
yet nothing seems to get accomplished. 
During the lulls, there is much talk that 
focuses оп... nothing. No minutia is too 


minute; there is discourse about cars. 
toothpicks, the length of Farrah Faw- 
cett’s nipples. In the makeup room, І 
overhear this impassioned exchange: 

Jason: What is candy corn? I know 
what it is, but what is it? 

woman: It’s just sugar. 

Jason; How can it be just sugar? It's 
gotta have something else in it. 

WOMAN: A little bit of flavoring, maybe. 

Jason: [Agitated] Sugar isn't chewy. 
There's gotta be something! 

Finally, at three r.m., after seven hours 
of waiting, Alexander is called to the set: 
*Jason, they're ready for you in New 
York." He heads over to the New York 
street, a block-long stretch of storefronts 
with generic names such as Wine & 
Liquors or Bar & Grill. Built especially 
for Seinfeld—in gratitude for Nielsen 
conquests—the street is, Alexander says, 
the cause of today's delay: "It's like a 
kid with a new toy. We have cranes, we 
have dolly tracks, and everybody goes 
‘Ooohh.’ Simple little scenes become 
these extravaganzas.” 

"Today's extravaganza enlists 50 ex- 
tras, a crane and a dolly. As we join the 
action, Kramer is crawling, bloodied and 


bruised, along the pavement—it's a long 
story—while Jerry and George discuss 
the vagaries of condom use. 

"They rehearse the scene. Then, cam- 
eras ready to roll, Alexander puts on the 
glasses—and suddenly the brow fur- 
rows, the shoulders slump impercepti- 
bly, the Jersey whine is uncorked. He be- 
comes George Costanza. 

GEORGE: [Perturbed] Why do they have 
10 make the wrappers on those things so 
hard to open? 

JERRY: Probably so the woman has опе 
last chance to change her mind. 

"The scene is repeated, and repeated. 
Between takes, Richards stays sprawled 
on the pavement while Seinfeld and the 
director huddle. Alexander sits on a car 
bumper and talks with the extras. After 
seven takes he grows impatient. "Come 
on, that’s it!” he says with mock indigna- 
tion. “It’s realism, it's comedy—what 
more do you want?” 

But there will be one more take. Once 
again Richards crawls. This time, howev- 
er, Alexander and Seinfeld unzip their 
pants and straddle him in the street, 
ready to reenact the squeal-like-a-pig 
scene from Deliverance. “Kramer,” Sein- 
feld says ominously, “I guess this just 
isn't your lucky day." 

"There are gales of laughter from the 
crew. "You fuckers!" Richards booms, 
bounding to his feet. 

“ОК,” shouts the assistant director, 
“we are moving to the stage. Jason, 


E 


"No, I wouldn't respect you if you slept with me on our first date. 
That's why Im only asking for a blow job." 


157 


PLAYBOY 


158 


you're done." 

“There's a little something for the 
blooper reel," Alexander laughs. The 
idea came to them five takes back: "I 
said, 'Why don't we, like, piss on him be- 
fore we walk off?" And Jerry said, ‘No, 
but I've got an idea. " 

Walking back to his office, Alexander 
describes the prevailing mood on the 
Seinfeld set as "juvenile. Very laid-back, 
very silly, very casual, nobody takes any- 
thing too seriously. It's not particularly 
hard work; it's always enjoyable. We usu- 
ally wind up cracking each other up. We 
do the show in two days and we bullshit. 
for another two days. The job is still just 
an amazing time.” 

After eight seasons together, the cast 
remains on friendly terms, even if fami- 
lies and careers now take up more of 
their time. “We've never been a group 
that hangs a lot,” he says. “Somebody 
once said that if we were all in high 
school together, the four of us would 
probably not be friends, because we're 
very different people. It's a strange little 
bastard stepfamily. But somehow it all 
works." 


ALEXANDER THE GREAT 


“TIl be home in time to give Gabe a 
bath," he says as the sun sinks slowly 
over the Seinfeld soundstage. But before 
he departs, he sits on his couch and 
talks. The conversation turns again 
to fear. 

In 1981, when he was 22, Alexander 
made his Broadway debut in Stephen 
Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along. On 
opening night, he nearly keeled over. Di- 
agnosis: stagc fright. "It felt like an out- 


of-body experience,” he recalls. “There 
was another me that was looking at me 
doing it and going, "What are you do- 
ing? You know, you're in front of peo- 
ple!’ Acting took on a significance it nev- 
er had before. Before it was just a joy. 
Now it was something 1 was going to be 
judged on. It freaked me out, and it con- 
tinued to freak me out." 

The stage fright lasted nearly a 
decade. Eventually a therapist helped 
him regain a "carefree attitude" about 
acting. During his Tony-winning stint in 
Jerome Robbins’ Broadway, he recited this 
mantra every night: "Strength. Courage. 
Conviction. Joy." 

Now the stage fright is gone, but he 
still sees а therapist. What does Alexan- 
der work on? "So many things," he says. 
"I spent a lot of my life being fearful, and 
the flip side of fear is anger. When you're 
made to feel afraid, you feel diminished, 
and as soon as you recognize that, you 
get pissed off. 1 didn't deal with my own 
anger well; I didn't deal with other peo- 
ples anger well. Therapy has given me 
the outlets to change the way I deal 
with that. 
ion—in my therapy this was 
То be embarrassed was, I 
felt, the worst thing that could happen to 
a person, worse than being stabbed to 
death. I was in constant fear of that. It 
was pretty defining, because everything. 
I was doing in my relationships was 
either rising above that fear or reacting. 
to it. 

"And whar's interesting is that my re- 
sponse was to create a persona that I 
don't think I've dropped yet. This confi- 
dent, cocky attitude, which I never really 


"The History Channel again?" 


had. This bravura that covers the fact 
that most of the time I feel a little over- 
whelmed. The real me is more thought- 
ful, more somber, more quiet. The real 
me is a quiet little guy who might be bet- 
ter off doing things besides being in 
show business." 

Fear? Cockiness? Humiliation? Maybe 
Alexander is George Costanza after all. 

“ don't know where George comes 
from," he says. "Where the fuel for the 
fire comes from I’m not exactly sure. 
You know, everybody has insecurities 
and moments of feeling like the world's 
biggest schmuck." 

Surely it's more complicated than 
that. "I'm not George," Alexander once 
said, "but I could have been." In other 
words, George is Alexander without the 
talent, without the success, money or 
therapy. 

"There are times, he admits, when he 
actually envies George. "When George 
feels something strongly, he's pretty in- 
your-face,” says Alexander. “Whereas 1 
don't look for confrontation. I some- 
times feel like, Who am I to start a con- 
versation, or make my feelings known if 
I have a different point of view? George 
has a lot of gumption. He has a lot of 
traits that I admire—in a neurotic sort 
of way.” 

But after eight years together, the time 
approaches when Jason Alexander and 
George Costanza must part company. 
This thought has Alexander musing 
aloud about how he'd like to say good- 
bye to his alter ego. “We all kid around 
about how to end the show,” he says. “I 
think I can probably tell you this because 
there's no way in hell they're going to do 
it, but we thought this would be an 
amazing way to end it. 

“Two episodes before the last one, 
everyone's fortunes are turned,” he ex- 
plains. "Elaine and Jerry get back to- 
gether and fall madly in love. Kramer 
discovers God and becomes a preacher. 
George hits the lottery for 80 million 
bucks. 

“The second-to-last episode is the 
wedding of Jerry and Elaine. George is 
the best man, pays for the whole she- 
bang. Kramer the preacher marries 
them. Then we all get into the chauf- 
feured limo to take Jerry and Elaine to 
the airport for their amazing honey- 
moon—and we have a blowout on the 
Verrazano Narrows Bridge and crash 
and fall to our deaths. 

“The final episode is four coffins. 
Every character who has ever been on 
the show is at the funeral talking about 
how they never liked us and how horri- 
bly we had treated everybody in life: 
“They were such annoying people!" 

“That,” he concludes, “is a series fi- 
nale. There's no tenth anniversary re- 
union show after that one!” 


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(continued from page 60) 
MAHER: It has more to do with the fact 
that my father was very funny; he got a 
lot of laughs around the house. Many of 
my comedian friends had funny fathers 
or mothers. One generation of amateur 
funniness seems often to be followed by 
a kid who takes it to the next level. 
PLAYBOY: Did your parents like the idea 
of their son being a comedian? 

МАНЕВ: I always wanted to be a comedi- 
an, but I never told my parents. I was 
too shy to do that and afraid that if it 
didn't work out Га look like an idiot. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of a child were you? 
МАНЕВ: Out of it. Too serious. Very shy. I 
had friends, but I had a hard time mak- 
ing friends. I vividly remember sitting 
with my father on the front porch of a 
house we rented on the Jersey shore. It 
was dusk and alll these kids were playing 
in the street. My father said, “Go over 
there. Introduce yourself,” and I just 
couldn't do it. "Hi. I'm a kid.” I couldn't 
do it. Some kids can. I felt like I was let- 
ting him down, I looked like a pussy. I 
didn't have friends, and I was stuck on 
the porch. It was pathetic. But I still 
can't approach strangers. The truth is, 
the desire to become famous is an at- 
tempt to solve that problem: When 
you're famous, you don't have to do it 
anymore. Everybody already knows you. 
1 finally came out of my shell a little bit in 
my senior year of high school. Until 
then, my ambition to perform had been 
a secret. Then, on the recommendation 
of a teacher, 1 emceed a couple of talent 
shows. I got laughs. 1 don't think I've 
ever in my life had a rush like that, and 
I've never been that high again. You 
can't lose your virginity twice. 

PLAYBOY: Did you plunge headlong into 
performing at comedy clubs? 

MAHER: Not then. I graduated and went 
to college. I got real itchy about doing 
comedy in my last year or two at college 
because 1 could see what was looming on 
the horizon, which was life. That was 
probably the tensest time in my life, that 
transition from school to having to actu- 
ally do something. 

PLAYBOY: How was college? 

MAHER: I hated Cornell. It's a sucky 
place. 

PLAYBOY: Were you a nerd? 

MAHER: As much as you can be an arty 
nerd. When I headed off to Cornell, I re- 
member thinking and planning: Г can be 
different. 1 don't have to be the guy I was in 
high school who wasn't in the cool group and 
who wasn't good with girls. I can be somebody 
new. Y thought, It’s a fresh start. But, of 
course, when you get there, you haven't 
shed your skin. You can't walk into a 
phone booth and come out Superman. 
Yov're still the same schmuck. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever figured out why 
you were a schmuck? 

MAHER: Just astrology. It's in my chart, in 


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my nature. 

PLAYBOY. So you believe in the soul, and 
you believe in astrology. 

MAHER: Oh yes. I think it's just a science 
that's misinterpreted like any science 
when it's given to you in small bits. If 
someone printed only one or two lines 
about physics in the newspaper, that 
would lock stupid, too. 

PLAYBOY: While you were growing up, 
which comedians influenced you? 
MAHER: When I was old enough to look 
up to people and seriously think about 
what 1 wanted to do with my life, Robert 
Klein was it. He was it for a lot of come- 
dians in my generation. Not Lenny 
Bruce. I'm sorry; it escapes me. He пеу- 
er made me laugh. Robert Klein did. I 
also loved Alan King. Steve Allen. I loved 
Dean Martin. ] used to watch his show 
with my mother. I loved him and I loved 
the delight he gave her. I wanted to һе 
that cool. Johnny Carson was huge. I 


used to watch him every night I could, 
sneaking on the television at 11:30. I 
wanted to be a famous comedian. I want- 
ed to be Carson. At 12, I fantasized about 
having a talk show. Why they would let a 
12-year-old host a talk show, I don't 
know, but I pictured myself with one. 
When I lay in bed at night thinking 
about a way to get girls to like me, that's 
what I imagined. 

PLAYBOY: And the girls responded? 
MAHER: Oh, yeah. It sure worked for 
Dean Martin. When women are asked, 
"What do you like in a guy?" the answer 
is, "a sense of humor. If he makes me 
laugh, he's got me. 1 don't care what he 
looks like if he makes me laugh." You 
wonder why Moe, Larry and Curly 
didn't get more women. I guess it has its 
limits. 

PLAYBOY: After you finished college, you 
finally tried stand-up. Were your parents 
in the audience? 


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МАНЕВ: Oh, no. I would never have let 
that happen. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

MAHER: It would have been mortifying 
and І stunk. Also, I was too dirty. To this 
day, 1 won't let my mother see me live. 
The show's OK, and I can't stop her 
from seeing the HBO specials, but I 
wouldn't feel right if she were sitting in 
the second row and “fucking up the ass” 
and "pussy" came out of my mouth. 
PLAYBOY: You wrote a book about those 
early days in your career. 

MAHER: The characters in Tiue Story are 
composites of the people I knew. None 
are the ones who became successful. 
When the book came out, people were 
all over me with, “Who is this one, real- 
ly?" "Is it Roseanne?" "Is that Jerry?" I 
hate to disappoint you, but none of them 
are anyone you would know. 

PLAYBOY: At that time, could you have 
chosen the people who were going to be 
successful? Would you have picked Jerry 
Seinfeld? 

МАНЕВ: 1 definitely would have picked 
Jerry. He was always better than the rest 
of us. Everybody else was sloppy. We 
were kids. He was never sloppy. 
PLAYBOY: Who else was around who be- 
came successful? 

MAHER: Rita Rudner. Gilbert Gottfried. 
Sandra Bernhard. I remember when she 
was making The King of Comedy, and we 
were all like “ОҺ, wow." We were making 
pancakes. She was out doing a movie 
with Robert De Niro. 

PLAYBOY: How about Roseanne? 

MAHER: І got to know her later. 

PLAYBOY: Is she a friend? 

MAHER: Roseanne and I aren't speaking 
at the moment. We booked her on the 
first ABC show—needless to say, an im- 
portant show. She canceled a couple of 
days before. I caught up with her about 
a month ago and asked her why. She said 
it was deliberate, to punish me because 
I had made jokes about her marriage 
when Tom Arnold was a guest. I raised 
the points that, first of all, the jokes 
weren't really at her expense, and sec- 
ond, I can't muzzle my guests. Finally, 1 
said that someone who has lived her life 
in the press and publicized every inti- 
mate fact of it oughtn't to chastise others 
for making jokes about her personal life; 
it's a little hypocritical. She didn't see it 
that way. She's bitter about the marriage, 
and she's made many jokes about him— 
very cutting ones, about his small penis 
and everything! I don't remember any- 
thing he said about her being nearly so 
vicious. 

PLAYBOY: Do you find that comedians are 
more troubled than people in the gener- 
al population? 

MAHER: Some arc. Richard Lewis' on- 
stage persona is an exaggerated version 
of a neurotic guy who, in his case, thank 
God, has found a way to channel it into 
a multimillion-dollar business. There al- 
so are comics who are completely sane 


and rational. Does Jerry Seinfeld strike 
you as cuckoo? Steve Martin? Andy 
Kaufman was cuckoo. Don't get me 
started on Woody Allen. I guess there is 
a higher percentage of cuckoos among 
comics. 

PLAYBOY: Who among the new genera- 
tion of comics do you like? 

MAHER: I don't know any of the new kids 
working the clubs these days. 1 like Bob. 
Odenkirk and David Cross on Mr. Show. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of David 
Spade, Chris Farley and Adam Sandler? 
манев: I've always loved Adam's stand- 
up. His act eludes me—1 j 

the singing. I don't kno 
erational thing, because I know he's 
huge on college campuses. Spade and 
Farley make me laugh. Even Beavis and 
Butt-head can be funny. They were talk- 
ing about Paul Simon and one said, "You 
mean that African dude who used to be 
in the Beatles?" That was a great exam- 
ple of howa little learning isa dangerous 
thing. 

PLAYBOY: What about the new Saturday 
Night Live crew? 

MAHER: Norm Macdonald does some re- 
ally funny stuff, but I wouldn't know the 
rest of them if I fell over them. 1 don't 
mean to kick people when they're down, 
but SNL has earned its reputation for be- 
ing a hit-and-miss project. 

PLAYBOY: V/hen you finally appeared on 
Carson's show, were you terrified? 


MAHER: Of course. Jerry Seinfeld came 
with me. I had on these tight pants and 
it kind of looked like my dick was a little 
too bulgy. I said. “Jerry. what do I do 
with my dick?" And he said, “Try to get it. 
sucked after the show. 
PLAYBOY: Were some late-night shows 
harder to do than others? 

MAHER: The Tonight Show was always the 
easiest to do because its crowd was the 
most excited, and Johnny was the most 
supportive. You could really kill on that 
show. Johnny made the audience feel 
like, "Here's my son. Please like him the 
way I do." Leiterman was much harder. 
You didn't get the feeling that he was 
with you. Letterman made the audience 
feel like, “Here's a guy who might be 
looking to take my job one day; don't feel 
any special need to laugh at him.” Jay, 
when he started, wasn't that way. He was 
easier. Jay is a state-of-the-art stand-up 
comedian. They are both very funny. 
But the big difference is that their shows 
are scripted, though not word for word. 
From my days as a guest I know they do 
a preinterview with you. They want to 
know as much as they can. Then they'll 
say, "I'm going to ask you this, and 
you'll say, ‘Blah.’” There's nothing 
wrong with that, but it’s not what I want 
to do, and it's not what I want to watch, 
either. I'm not interested in seeing 
celebrities talk about their latest projects 
or tell little rehearsed stories. 


PLAYBOY: Once you were making it big as 
a comedian, did your social life improve? 
MAHER: I had my comic friends. The club 
itself was a great social gathering place. 
It was a party every night. 

PLAYBOY: With lots of drinking and 
drugs? 

МАНЕВ: I used to throw back a few, 
though I was never a huge drinker. My 
body just doesn't allow me to be. Drugs? 
I mean, I was never really into a lot of 
hard drugs. I smoked some pot. 
PLAYBOY: More recently you got a DUI. 
MAHER: Yeah. It makes you very careful. 
It’s like playing with five fouls. It was 
four years ago, but you're on probation 
for seven years. 1 don't want people on 
the road who are impaired, but 1 was not 
impaired when 1 was stopped. 1 was 
speeding, which was stupid, but I was far 
from being drunk. I see people doing 
things that are much more distracting. I 
see women putting on makeup, drivers 
blasting music, talking on the phone. All 
that impairs concentration a lot more 
than a drink or two. I think they're mov- 
ing toward zero tolerance; that's what 
they told us in driving class. By the year 
2000 you will not be allowed to drive 
with any alcohol in your blood, which 
means that you won't be able to go to 
dinner and have a glass of wine. I don’t 
know if that's the kind of world we want 
to live in. Naturally we don't want any- 
one to be killed by a drunk driver, but we 


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161 


PLAYBOY 


162 


can make the world so safe that no one 
has any fun. We're all alive, but we're all 
bored to death. 

PLAYBOY: At what point did the appear- 
ances at comedy clubs and on talk shows 
lead to other work? 

MAHER: | did some movies. Iwo of them, 
Pizza Man and Cannibal Women in the Avo- 
cado Jungle of Death, are ones audiences 
never let me forget. And I did some TV 
shows. It was the combination of the fail- 
ure of these movies and TV shows that 
led to Politically Incorrect. 

PLAYBOY: How so? 

MAHER: The roughest time of my career, 
outside of the first year when I was terri- 
ble at what I was doing, was the early 
Nineties, when I had exhausted the act- 
ing avenue. I did another sitcom in 199] 
that was very bad. I was 35 and some of 
my friends were making it pretty big. 
Jerry. Paul Reiser. Roseanne. Garry 
Shandling. For me, it was like, Am I go- 
ing to get my ticket punched? It was a 
tremendous load on my mind because 
I'm just not the kind of person who 
couldn't make it. It would be too tough 
for me to never do the Playboy Interview, 
to think all that would pass me by. I was 
35 years old and still doing sets at the 
Improv and not wanting to go out for 
sitcoms anymore. I wrote screenplays. I 
wrote that book. But what was I going to 
do? I guess it was my destiny that 1 had 
to try everything until I came back 
around to the thing that was the most 
perfect for me. 

PLAYBOY: Was PI a tough sell? 

MAHER: Comedy Central was the kind of 
place that was willing to take a chance on 


something new. But I still had to pitch it 
and push it. They bought the first batch 
of 24 shows. I had to move back to New 
York, which was a big price for me be- 
cause 1 don't like living in New York and 
also I was in a relationship. I had just 
bought a house for us and we moved in- 
to it, and then 1 had to go back to New 
York. That didn't help the relationship 
and, in fact, it hastened its demise. 
PLAYBOY: Was it worth it? 

MAHER: Yes, absolutely, because I would 
not have been good for her or anybody 
else if I hadn't made it in this business. 
1 would have been a bad guy, or a 
dead guy. 

Р1АҮВОҮ: Is the show on ABC different 
from what it was on Comedy Central? 
MAHER: No. Nothing is different in terms 
of what we can or can't say. At least not 
yet. The people who might worry about 
what we're saying must fall asleep before 
we come on. 

PLAYBOY: How has cable changed the face 
of television? 

MAHER: Thank God for cable. Without. 
Comedy Central, no one would want me 
now. But for all 1200 channels, I'm sur- 
prised there's not more experimentation 
and innovation. There is little innova- 
tion even on the smaller channels be- 
"s face it, they're in a tough, 
ve world. They're out there 
trying to get ratings and ad dollars and 
subscriptions like everybody else. 
PLAYBOY: Are there exceptions? 

MAHER: Sure. There's some great innova- 
tive stuff. Comedy Central put on Mystery 
Science Theater and Dr. Katz and Absolutely 
Fabulous, and HBO has Mr. Show and 


"Wow! The emperor likes these new clothes. 
Have a sel of them ordered immediately for every chick 
in the kingdom." 


Larry Sanders and some other great stuff. 
But it's surprising to me that the big sta- 
tions don't do more of what they did 
with my show, which is cherry pick from 
the smaller stations. I don't know of any 
other show that went from cable to net- 
work like mine did. You would think 
it would be more common, that they 
would use the cable stations as a farm 
team. 

PLAYBOY: Is Larry Sanders next to be 
snapped up? 

MAHER: Larry Sanders couldn't survive on 
regular TV; it's too good. 

PLAYBOY: What does that say about your 
show? 

MAHER: That it's not that good! And I'm 
going to keep it that way. I'm no fool. 
PLAYBOY: Now that you've reached this 
level of success, could you handle the 
cancellation of PI? 

MAHER: Yeah. First of all, if the show went 
away, I wouldn't go away completely 
now. You become enough of a something 
so that you can get something else in the 
business. But even if it all went away, I'd 
be OK. I have scratched the big itch. 
PLAYBOY: Is your success an impediment 
to a serious relationship? 

MAHER: I’m not looking for a serious re- 
lationship, but I'm not closed off to one, 
either. 

PLAYBOY: You once got close to marriage; 
you were engaged. 

MAHER: I've gotten close a few times. 1 
was engaged once, and I was with some- 
one for five years, until the end of 1993. 
I think some people don't get married 
because they never meet the right per- 
son, but some people meet the right per- 
son and still don't get married because 
the institution itself doesn't fit very well. 
1 think I'm in that group. 

PLAYBOY: What is it about marriage that 
doesn't fit you? 

MAHER: 1 just like to do whatever I want 
to do whenever I want to do it. 

PLAYBOY: Is it that you are unable to be 
monogamous? 

MAHER: I don't think that's the most im- 
portant part of it. Гуе been monoga- 
mous before. If you're really digging 
somebody it's not hard. It's more that 
my life moves very fast, and I don't have 
time to be considerate to someone in the 
way they deserve. When I'm with some- 
one, be it casually or seriously, I am very 
considerate. But I don't want to be with 
someone for one minute when I can't be 
that considerate. If you're married, you 
have to be. Women might say they would 
accept that, but they really wouldn't. 
The truth is, I don't understand mar- 
ge. It seems—at least in many of the 
instances 1 know about—a particular 
hell where you become emotionally de- 
pendent on the very person who increas- 
ingly bores and annoys you. Is that а 
pretty politically incorrect thing to say? 
Well, it’s true. 


Artist and bon vivant LeRoy Neiman 
has been associated with PLAYBOY and 
cigars for as long as we can remem- 


Sometimes o cigor is just o cigor. Ask Miss 
April 1995 Donelle Folio (left) ond Miss Au- 
gust 1995 Rochel Jeón Morteen, flonking 
Neimon ot Ihe New York porty. Would they 
toke o light from Uncle Miltie (Berle)? Neimon 
does os he leons over the cigor box he illus. 
troted. For your own box, contoct Alfred Dun- 
hill (or other tobocconists) in most mojor cities. 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS — AUGUST 
Christa Speck—Miss September 1961 
will be 55 оп August 1. 

Betty Blue—Miss November 1956 will 
be 66 on August 14. 

Carol O'Neal—Miss July 1972 will be 
49 on August 18. 

Ola Ray—Miss June 1980 will be 37 on 
August 26. 

Barbara Moore—Miss December 1992 
will be 29 on August 21 


TYLYN JOHN: 
“Now that I'm in my 305,1 
feel more confident. | can't 


wait for my 40s. Women are 
like fine wine. They get bet- 
ter with age." 


ber. He has chronicled stylish good 
living in his paintings—of celebrities, 
sporting events, resorts and night- 
clubs—and has smoked a potent ci- 
gar everywhere he has gone. Now 
Playboy by Don Diego is offering the 
LeRoy Neiman Selection cigar in a 
limited-edition box designed by the 


artist. The 5000 painted and hand- 
numbered boxes are going fast. Nei- 
man hit the road in April and May to 
sign them in Las Vegas, New York, 
Beverly Hills, Chicago, New Orleans 
and Louisville. 
Celebrity cigar 
enthusiasts, in- 
cluding Andre 
Agassi, Sugar 
Ray Leonard 
and Milton 
Berle, showed 
up along the 
way for a sam- 
ple stogie. The 
next thing you 
know, the Fem- 
lin will be 
lighting up. 


PLAYMATES STRIKE A POSE: Foshion designer 
Cesor Golindo swothed eight Ploymotes in so- 
phislicoled gowns ond wolercolor pencil skirts 
‘ond sent them vomping down the runwoy in his 
spring New York foshion show. At right, Miss Oc- 
tober 1994 Victorio Zdrok strides down the cot- 
wolk. Donelle Folio (below, first row ot left), 
Stephonie Adoms, Victorio, Anno-Morie God- 
dord, Moreno Corwin, Julie Lynn Ciolini (sec- 
ond rov, lefi), onother Golindo model, Rochel 
Jeón Moreen ond Lynn Thomos woit their tum, 


PLAYMATES 101: 
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 


Who is depicted on the initial 
offering of Playboy 

stock? 

Willy Rey (February 

1971) 

Who fantasized about 

making love on a 

space shuttle? 

Pia Reyes (Novem- 

ber 1988) 

Who was interpret- 

ed by 11 artists? 

Ann Davis (Sep- 

tember 1960) 

Who was saved in 

a car mishap by 

her breasts? 

Petra Verkaik (De- 

cember 1989) Ann Davis 
Who was pho- 

tographed by her filmmaker 
husband? 

Eve Meyer (June 1955) 

Who was the last Playmate with 
staples? 

Venice Kong (September 1985) 


163 


164 


You may be confused about the pro- 
liferation of PLavBoY centerfold alum- 
ni associations. Now there is an offi- 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


from Donna that made the cover of 
The Edmonton Sun.—David Reeves, 
reevesd@enr.gov.ab.ca 


PLAYMATE TRIVIA 
* Favorite Movies * 
The Sound of Music 


Gone With the Wind 
Doctor Zhi: 
The Godfather 


The Graduate 
Romeo and Juliet 


cial one, coordinated by Miss March 
1973 Bonnie Large. For information 
on how to become a charter sub- 
scriber to the Playboy Playmate Neuslet- 
ter, write to her at Box 3827, Beverly 
Hills, California 90212. 


THE TAX MAN COMETH. On April 15 ot post 
offices from coast to coast, Playmates eosed 
the minds of many with neck massoges. Miss 
Jonuary 1997 Jami Ferrell (left) and Miss Feb- 
ruary 1995 Liso Marie Scott relieved stress for 
toxpoyers by distributing tox forms throughout 
Woshington, D.C. in silk-screened gowns 
thot were foshianed after the 1040 form 


I won tickets from The Edmonton Sun 
to the World of Wheels hot rod show, 
where I met Miss September 1995, 
Donna D’Errico, and her rocker hus- 


band, Nikki Sixx. Over a sea of heads, 
you couldn't miss Donna's big smile 
and sexy eyes. She graciously signed 
her рілувоу pictorial for me and her 
page in my copy of The Playmate Book. 
Even so, I can't help feeling jealous of 
my friend who accompanied me to 
this event. I won the tickets but he 
won the trophy, in thc form of a kiss 


I think Raymond Benson 
is greedy and shortsight- 
ed with his list of the ten 
Playmates he'd like to 
take to a desert island 
(Playmate News, May). 
He's greedy in that he 
wants to take ten and 
shortsighted in that he 
would probably be dead 
before he got to number 
five. I'd like to take one 
Playmate— Janet Pilgrim. 
1 guess that dates me, but 
I don't care one bit.— 
Gerry Sprout, Gesprout 
@aold.com 


VICTORIA COOKE: 

“British sculptor David Wynne 
chose me os his model for the 
sculpture of the entrance of 
Playboy’s Atlantic City casino. 1 
posed for six weeks while he told 
me stories obout the Beatles.” 


Pamela Anderson Lee and I got ar- 
rested in Kingman, Arizona while we 
were shooting her July 1992 pictorial, 
Getting Kicks on Route 
66. She changed 
her shirt at a rail- 
road crossing and 
a police car showed 
up. Some guy down 
the road had com- 
plained that his wife 
had been looking out 
the window, saw a 
woman's naked breasts and would 
never be the same again. By the time 
we got to the police station, the chief 
was offering us a police car for the 
shoot and the charges were dropped. 
— RICHARD FEGLEY, PLAYBOY Contribut- 
ing Photographer 


I took Anna Nicole 
Smith out to dinner 
on опе of her first 
nights in Los Angeles 
and she kept calling 
mc ma'am. She want- 
ed to be a star, like 
Marilyn Monroe. An- 
na bought one of Monroe's houses. 
She could impersonate Monroe. She 
knew every song Monroe ever sang 
and all her movie roles.—MARILYN 
GRABOWSKI, West Coast Photo Editor 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Miss July 1996 Angel Boris will 
play ап android named Zowie in 
the film Pale Dreamer. . . . Miss 
August 1993 Jennifer Lavoie is 


A shooüng Game Day with 


Richard Lewis. . . . Play- 
mate of the Year 1996 
Stacy Sanches is doing 
a poster for the Dennis 
Rodman doll. We know 
who has the better 
legs. . . . London's Daily Mirror 

voted Miss December 1992 Bar- 

bara Moore one of the world's 

100 most beautiful women. . . . 

Artist Karla Conway, Miss April 
1966, surprised Hef with an orig- 

inal painting of a Playmate for 

his birthday in April. . . . Miss 

April 1977 Lisa Sohm owns a 
multimedia production compa- 
ny. One of her favorite projects 
was an award-winning video nar- 
rated by Barbara Eden, Secret 

Suffering, that Lisa produced for 
the Children's Justice Center. 

The center helps edu- 


Hef greets Sharry 


cate professionals in the detec- 
tion, treatment and prevention 
of child sexual abuse. . . . Miss 
June 1985 Devin De Vasquez has 
written a pilot loosely based on 
her life that Keenan Ivory 
Wayans is pitching to Fox TV... . 
Miss August 1987 Sharry 
Konopski was one of many Play- 
mates who appeared at Glam- 
ourcon in Los Angeles this past 
spring. The next Los Angeles 
Glamourcon will be held Sep- 
tember 13 and 14 at the Wynd- 
ham Hotel at LAX. . . . Miss Sep- 
tember 1959 Marianne Gaba has 
a son who isa professional golfer. 
He recently made her a grand- 
mother—between putts. 


Deadly Morals (continued from page 114) 


“How can you be happy when you’re in that much 
pain?" asks. Dr. Katherine Hoover. 


take her off it: “It's addictive," Ken- 
nemer recalls the doctor saying. "I 
looked this guy in the eye and said, 
"What does it matter?” He said, ‘I'll lose 
my license if I don't cut her off from 
morphine.’ 

“If you can't eliminate the pain, you 
have to medicate it,” says Kennemer, 
who forged an alliance between the Ore- 
gon Catholic Conference, Citizens for a 
Drug-Free Oregon and the Oregon 
Right to Die group. 

e 


As patients secure their rights, doctors 
have also been emboldened to launch 
counterattacks. In 1994 the Florida 
Board of Medicine went after Dr. 
Katherine Hoover, charging that she 
had overprescribed controlled sub- 
stances to seven patients. After a two- 
year battle in which Dr. Hoover acted ах 
her own lawyer, the appeals court chided 
the medical board for being "overzeal- 
ous” and dismissed its case as “founded on 
a woefully inadequate quantum of fact.” 

Hoover had moved to West Virginia to 
run her family's farm and practice med- 
icine. Given the Florida imbroglio, she 
was rigorous about documentation. She 
required her patients to sign a contract 
about the risks and benefits of narcotic 
pain relief, and she committed them to 
using a single pharmacy and not misus- 
ing their medication. However, it wasn't 
long before she heard from the West Vir- 
ginia Board of Medicine. 

"The State Department of Health and 
Human Resources had filed a complaint 
with the board regarding Hoover's treat- 
ment of five patients whose pharmacy 
records had been singled out for review. 
"The complaint alleged that she had pre- 
scribed in excess of her peers. Hoover 
points out, however, that she is the only 
internist in the area committed to pain 
management. Who, then, are her peers? 

Hoover is defending herself once 
again. “1 am not pretending to be a 
lawyer. I'm doing all of this because I'm 
a doctor,” she says. 

She has filed a $10 million suit against 
the State Department of Health and Hu- 
man Resources and the West Virginia 
Board of Medicine, charging them with 
extortion, conspiracy to defraud and dis- 
crimination under the Americans With 
Disabilities Act. “Patients have a constitu- 
tional right to life, liberty and the pur- 
suit of happiness," says Hoover. "How 
can you be happy when you're in that 
much pain?" 

Several doctors are now considering 
following her lead and filing lawsuits 


against their medical boards for discrim- 
inating against pain patients. As Frank. 
McNiel puts it, “А lot of the people hurt- 
ing are not the ones who live on Func- 
tional Street. You've had three surgeries, 
you're on disability, you're broke and 
ing in a trailer. You don't look like Mr. 
Yuppie, OK?” McNiel knows that if doc- 
tors want to treat pain patients, they may 
have to fight a court battle to do so. 

In 1995 the Tennessee Board of Med- 
ical Examiners determined that McNiel 
had violated several provisions of the 
Tennessee Medical Practice Act and had 
a “co-dependent” relationship with his 
patients. The board labeled him an "im- 
paired" physician, forced him to surren- 
der his DEA registration and mandated 


he join a co-dependents' support group. 
After a prolonged hearing process that 
resulted in more than $100,000 in legal 
bills (which his malpractice insurance 
paid until the verdict came in and he was 
fired), his attorney's advice was simple: 
Put your head in the guillotine and let 
them drop the blade. However, McNiel 
appealed. 

Justice was served this past March. A. 
state appeals court reversed and vacated 
the ruling, stating in its decision: “The 
conclusions of the board and its judg- 
ment are without necessary support of. 
material and substantial evidence." Mc- 
Niel succeeded in blowing up the 
board's opiophobic logic that when it 
comes to drugs, no proof is required: We 
would not accuse you if you were not guilty. 

Despite his victory, McNiel still awaits 
a knock on his door: "I have a moral 
obligation not to ignore patients who 
come to me,” he says. “But I'm terrified 
every time I write a prescription.” 


“The NRA called, Senator. They want more bang 
for their buck.” 


165 


PLAYBOY ORIGINAL MOVIE PREMIERE PLAYMATE ШІ 


Daphnee 5 
Lynn Duplaix 
Miss July 


RN 


а n Ow 
Miss August 


ШҮ 18, 1978 


ALT MOVES 


Hosts Nici String. & Williamson Howe 
PREMIERES JULY 5 


eroOldfertainment 
118 


Ша ОЦ 


Imagine 


here there is heat, there Б 
fre especially in July on Playboy TV! 
First, an innocent PI is lured into pro- 
tecting a heavenly body from her lethal, 
mobster husband in the Playboy Original 
Movie, Fallen Angel. And hard labor was 
never this hot as a pair of stincrazy and 
sex-craved curvy oonviets rub up against 
the warden in Bad Girls Lust Confined. 
Then don't miss Two-Timing Heart where 
the wife of a cheater takes revenge and 
gets it on with. everyone! Yes, Playboy's 
done it again: 21 Playmates Volume IE 
Centerfold Collection, so many beautiful 
women, so little time... But theres time 
enough to catch Juli and Dorta' hottest 
adult callin show in history, Night Call! 
So get fred up with Playboy TVs year 
round, 24-hour summertime inferno of 
excitement! 


P 1 
05 
PLAYBOY TÜ 


Visit our website: 
www.playboy.com 


Plfh TV ls sala ho yow a een pur 
satellite, DirecTV, Primestar or AlphaStar de 


7 IPIE AY BOY 


(ON-THE 


hether you're heading to Pittsburgh or St. Peters- 
burg, don't leave home without your creature com- 
forts. A portable humidor filled with great smokes 
takes the bumps out of the long and winding road, 
while a flask of your favorite nightcap eliminates the guesswork 
about what's stocked in your hotel's minibar. Sony's 50th Anniver- 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


Below: Ashlon's cow- 
hide-covered travel. 
humidor can hold up 
10 24 smokes in per- 
fectly humidified con- 
ditions ($395). On the 
humidor is a pair of 
Dakota Smith antique 
pewter-colored steel 
glasses with light 
blue-tinted clip-on 
sunglasses ($175). 
Bushnell's 7x24mm 
Elite binoculars are 
both compact and fog- 
proof (about $480, in- 
cluding a case). 


SCE NE 


ONLY WAY TO GO 


sary Walkman and RCA's 2.2-inch color TV аге no bigger than your 
hand, and Swiss Army Brand's clam-cased travel alarm is about the 
size of a billiard ball. Bound for Jamaica's Hedonism Il or St.- 
Tropez? Bushnell's fogproof 7x24mm Elite binoculars are compact 
enough to slip into your shorts or robe pocket. Not that you might 
be thinking of checking out the topless end of the beach, of course. 


Left: Talk about slick. Sony's mirror-finished 
50th Anniversary Walkman (about $300) 
looks fantastic and delivers about 40 hours 
of sound on one AA battery. RCA's 2.2-inch 
color TV with an electronic signal-seeking 
tuner offers great video-to-go for only $110. 


Above: To toast the midnight 
hour or the morning after, 
take along Asprey's bridle- 
hide travel bar, which holds 
three pewler-and-glass flasks 
like the one shown here 
($275). Sitting atop the flask 
is Swiss Army Brand's travel 
alarm clock with a face cover 


WHERE HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 155. 


that doubles as a stand ($65). 167 


Епегру 
Model TRACY 
SMITH has ap- 
peared in PLAYBOY as 
well as commercials 
and exercise videos. 
Look for her in 
Speed 2. Quickly. 


sey Coming Up Rosey 


-GRAPEVINE 
N 


Dressed 
for 
Excess 
SALMA HAYEK, 
lately of Fools 
Rush In and 
From Dusk Till 
Dawn, told an 
interviewer 
that she's 
waiting to 
meet a man f 
with more 
balls than 
she has. 
Where do 


That’s Waco, Not Wacky 
Picture six guys from Chicago who play 
country punk, and you have the WACO 

BROTHERS. Get Cowboy in Flames for dit- 

ties from the likes of Johnny Cash and Bo 

Diddley, and have a beer on them. 


PARKER POSEY, the “it girl" of independent movies, has appeared in 17 low- 
budget productions since Dazed and Confused. But there is nothing low-bud- 
get about Posey's work in The Clockwatchers or SubUrbia. Parker shines. 


= Suddenly, There’s 
Ziggy Gets 7 zd С More оѓ Brooke 


Higher t 2 Suddenly Susan's BROOKE 
ZIGGY MARLEY ele- SHIELDS reveals more of her- 
vates at the fourth fad Д self than usual. Although her 
annual Bob Marley comic side gets a workout on 
Festival in Miami. her show, we're happy this 
This bash is held " dress is no laughing matter. 
around Bob's Feb- 
ruary birthday each 
year in his honor. 

Get up, stand up. 


Kymberlee Busts Out 
Beauty KYMBERLEE WEIL has launched a modeling 
career, and we're jumping on the bandwagon. Cur- 
rently on an athletic scholarship at a college in Hawaii, 
Weil is starting pitcher on the women's softball team. Batter up. 169 


LATHER UP, Y'ALL 


Evan Butts has some ad- 
vice about washing up. 
First, bathe with a friend. 
Second, be sure to use 
Southern Suds, a line of 
"Olde Soapes and Bodye 
"Ireates" he and his wife 
manufacture in Hurnble, 
"Texas. The soaps are all- 
natural and contain more 
glycerin (for extra mois- 
turc) than most brand- 
name cleansers. The body 
treats (bath salts and oils) 
come in such masculine 
scents as Bayou Brace, 
Island Breeze, Manor 
Muske and Spice. The 
Mint Julep smells good. 
enough to drink. Prices: 
$4.25 per bar, $23.25 for 
16 ounces of oil and 
$23.25 for 32 ounces of 
bath salts. Gift sets are 
available for $32.50 and 
$41.75, and include a copy 
of the Thumbnail History of 
Soap. (Did you know that 
"a form of soap was used 
by the Romans about 3000 
years ago"?) Call 281-852- 
2242 to order. 


PROFESSOR PLUM NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD 


When Miss Scarlet does it in the ballroom with a lead pipe, she does it 
with style. That's because she's part of the Franklin Mint Collector's 
Edition of Clue, a connoisseur’s makeover that will dazzle you with its 
gilt-edged game cards, gold playing pieces and mini pool table in the 
billiards room. There’s even a booklet containing suspects’ bios and the 
mansion's history. The hardwood gameboard (22%"x 22/^x ЗИ”) has 
nine three-dimensional rooms filled with historical artifacts and furni- 
ture, some coated in 24-kt. gold. And it's all covered with glass, so you 
can play whodunit without damaging Colonel Mustard’s favorite rug. 

170 Price: $555, payable in 15 monthly installments. Call 800-rHE-MINT. 


POTPOURRI 


SMOKIN’ TUNES 


Milton Berle says, “There are few things 
І enjoy more than a fine cigar and a good 
song." It's appropriate, then, that Uncle 
Miltie wrote the liner notes for all four 
CDs in Hip-O Records’ Cigar Classics se- 
ries. The Standards, Urban Fire, Cool Smokes 
and Smokin’ Lounge cover more than 70 
years of music, from Peggy Lee and the 
Gap Band to Dizzy Gillespie. Price: 
$12.98 each. Call 213-653-4987. 


CRASH-TEST DISNEY 


Automobile safety testing may conjure up. 
images of crash dummies and broken 
windshields, but when Disney and Gener- 
al Motors are involved it becomes "the 
fastest indoor-outdoor thrill ride in the 
world." Test Track, Epcot Center's new 
auto test-simulator ride, whizzes you up 
hills, around hairpin turns and along 
straightaways at 65 miles per hour. You'll 
also blast through areas of arctic cold and 
desert heat. Buckle up, Goofy. 


BULLDOGGING IT 


Detective Bulldog Drum- 
mond was thc kind of British 
hero who arrived ata crime 
scene behind the wheel of a 
roadster. A set of eight black- 
and-white Drummond films 
made in the Thirties is 
$79.95. (John Barrymore co- 
stars as Inspector Neilson in 
some ofthe films.) One tape 
with two movies, such as Bull- 
dog Drummond in Africa and 
Arrest Bulldog Drummond, is 
$29.95. All are from Home 
Vision Cinema, 800-826-FILM. 
In Arrest, the detective is on 
his way to a party when he 
"runs into a ruthless spy with 
a death-ray machine." 


TREAT YOUR GOLF COURSE RIGHT 


Ever since the Scioto Country Club in Columbus, Ohio banned 
its members from wearing metal-spiked golf shoes, more than 
1400 courses in the U.S. have followed suit. Duffers who don't 
want to buy two pairs of shoes should try the Difference, water- 
proof Gore-Tex footwear by Etonic. The soles are equipped with 
а replaceable nonmetal DSS-1 spike system that can also accom- 
modate plastic and metal spikes. Price: $130. Call 800-638-6642. 


PEG O' MY HEART 


Cross Bones in Kalamazoo, 
Michigan is a sportswear and 
beverage business based on 
buccaneers. For those into pi- 
rate duds, its line of T-shirts 
is extensive, with many of the 
designs (e.g., Black Patch 
Dark Brew) reflecting the 
company's other interest—pi- 
rate-inspired bcers. Peg Leg 
Ale is available only in Michi- 
gan, but that will change in 
the fall. The T-shirts are $18 
in sizes medium through 2X. 
Call 616-385-3800, (Other pi- 
rate paraphernalia to keep 
your timbers from shivering 
is in the works.) 


MAKING BOOK ON DRINK 


Books on liquor keep getting livelier. Е Paul 
Pacult's Kindred Spirits is a $16.95 guide to the 
“distilled spirits and fortified wines” featured in 
his Spirit Journal newsletter. Classic Cocktails of 
the Prohibition Era by Philip Collins contains 
photographs and recipes for drinks from the 
‘Twenties ($14.95). Shaken Not Stirred by Anista- 
tia Miller and Jared Brown is “a celebration of 
the martini” ($10). And Cocktail Hour by Jess 
and Sally Chabert serves up a “mixer of 
quips and quotations” about imbibing ($12). 


OLIVIA’S WORLD 


For almost 20 years the name Olivia De Berar- 
dinis has been synonymous with pin-up art. 
Now the Tamara Bane Gallery and Publishing 
House at 460 N. Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, 
California 90210 has released Olivia: Catalogue 
Raisonné, a collection of her finest cheesecake 
painted between 1980 and 1995. A 9"x 15" 
hardbound edition is $100 ($125 for a signed 
version). Call 800-325-2765 to order. 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


PRO FOOTBALL 


РАМ ANDERSON LEE AND JENNY MCCARTHY ROCKET- 
ED TO FAME AFTER DEBUT APPEARANCES IN PLAYBOY. 
TALK ABOUT LAUNCHING PADS. CURL UP AND ENJOY OUR 


TRIBUTE TO BLONDE AMBITION 


FALL PREVIEW—WE HAVE THE SCOOP ON WHAT'S COM- 
ING UF INCLUDING DUDS AND DUDES, THE COOLEST CARS 
AND THE HOTTEST GEAR, DROP BY OUR DREAM PARTY 
WITH TEA LEONI AND WILL SMITH FOR A VIBRATING EGG 


AND A CHOCOLATE MARTINI 


SEX ON THE WEB—WHO BETTER TO SUGGEST 25 GREAT 
SEX SITES ON THE WEB THAN THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR, 
CHIP ROWE? POINT AND CLICK TO THE WORLD OF FUN 


FETISHES, SEX TOYS AND HOT CHAT 


PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST —PIGSKIN PROG- 
NOSTICATOR DANNY SHERIDAN IS BACK WITH HIS UN- 
CANNY GRIDIRON SAVVY. FIND OUT WHO'S GOING TO WIN 
AND WHO'S GOING TO CHOKE (FLUS A BONUS ON FOINT 


SPREADS) 


SPORTS BABES—WHAT DO A GOLFER, A JOCKEY AND A 
ROAD RACER HAVE IN COMMON? GORGEOUS BODS, 
BOUNDLESS ENERGY AND THE ABILITY TO KICK YOUR ASS. 


DARE TO COMPARE IN THIS GO-GIRL PICTORIAL 


FRED GOLDMAN—THE AVENGING ANGEL DURING THE 
TRIAL OF THE CENTURY WANTS TO MAKE O.J. PAY FOR HIS 
SON'S DEATH. BUT WHAT DROVE THE MAN TO GIVE UP HIS 
LIFE TO SETTLE THE SCORE? A PLAYBOY PROFILE BY JOE 
MORGENSTERN 


JUNGLE WEDDING—A GROUP THAT SETS OUT FOR A 
RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE HAS ONE PROBLEM: ITS MEM- 
BERS HAVE MORE MONEY THAN BRAINS. FICTION BY 
JOSEPH CLARK 


CHRIS FARLEY—THE LARGER-THAN-LIFE FUNNYMAN 
DISHES ABOUT HIS NEW РИСК (EDWARDS AND HUNT), HIS 
OLD SHTICK (PHYSICAL GOOFBALL) AND HIS SNL CLIQUE 
(DAVID SPADE, CHRIS ROCK, ADAM SANDLER) IN 20 QUES- 
TIONS BY DAVID RENSIN 


CHRISTOPHER WALKEN—AN OSCAR WINNER FOR THE 
DEER HUNTER AND HOLLYWOOD'S BUSIEST (AND CREEPI- 
EST) BAD GUY, WALKEN HAS BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. 
LAWRENCE GROBEL GETS AN EARFUL IN SEPTEMBER'S 
INTERVIEW 


PLUS: CATCHING UP WITH 1985 PMOY KAREN VELEZ, WAY 
COOL ELECTRONICS, THE RETURN OF THE PIPE, AND A 
FRIENDLY MISS SEPTEMBER, NIKKI ZIERING 


1005, 17 mg. “tar”, 1.3 mg. nicotine 
„ы We SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
— Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


Another beer there Chief? 
Sure. 

Another beer there Chief? 
Sure. 

Another beer there Chief? 
Sure. 


£3