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PLAYBILL 


BLONDES. Some things we know: We love blondes, and blondes 
(MM, Jayne Mansfield, Bo Derek, Kim Basinger, Sharon 
Stone, Anna Nicole Smith) love PLAYBOY. Today's two-mega- 
ton A-blondes—Pam Anderson and Jenny McCarthy—ex- 
ploded on the scene right under our noses. For the secret to 
our success, turn to Blonde Ambition, a double-whammy picto- 
rial of Jenny, the biggest blonde in America, and Pam, the 
biggest blonde on the planet. 

On to more prescient business. This special fall preview is- 
sue will give you a crisp head start on 1998. In The Buzz Junior 
Editor Alison Lundgren, our hierophant of hip, tells us who and 
what will warm up the winter, from Ani DiFranco, The Daily 
Show and chocolate martinis to a real hummer of a sex toy 
called the Egg. Playboy's Fall & Winter Fashion Forecast by Fash- 
ion Editor Hollis Wayne brings us the suit as you've never seen 
it before—loose, lively and younger than a pair of old jeans. 
Mercedes’ new American-made sport utility vehicle is this sea- 
son's best off-road bet. Car guy Ken Gross waxes ecstatic over 
the M-Class’ combination of grit and polish in our essential 
guide to next year's autos, Wheels '98. It comes as no shock to 
Hef, but hot on the heels of the cigar trend, pipe sales are up. 
Piping Hot (illustrated by Herb Davidson) showcases the latest 
trend in tobacco. We drink, we smoke, we gamble: Did you 
know there was $5.5 billion in bets riding on last year's Super 
Bowl? Danny Sheridan credits the point spread for keeping 
viewers interested and provides team-by-team coverage in 
our Pro Football Forecast (Kadir Nelson did the artwork). Sheri- 
dan's crystal-ball rating is high—so pay attention. 

The story of Fred and Ron Goldman is a father-and-son 
drama writ large. In a perceptive PLAYBOY profile, His Name Is 
Fred, Joe Morgenstern scrutinizes the man who never let go of 
his son—even in death. “After seeing how intense he can be, I 
was apprehensive,” says Morgenstern. “I was surprised to find 
he was easy to be with—he was good company.” It's the 
flawed, human side of the avenging angel, a story that will res- 
onate with every father or son. 

He's Walken and he's talking. There's probably no other 
weirdly spooky actor who is as widely respected, emulated or 
mimicked as Christopher Walken. In this month's Interview, the 
star of the forthcoming film Excess Baggage and an Oscar win- 
ner for The Deer Hunter tells Contributing Editor Lawrence Gro- 
bel that he is a child of planet Showbiz: He has Abel Ferrara's 
blood on his carpet and was with Robert Wagner the night 
Natalie Wood died. And for the first time he gives an in-depth 
description of how that night unfolded. 

In Cloning? I Don't Think So, the genetically outrageous Joe 
Queenan examines the latest medical accomplishment. Call it 
future schlock: Imagine a pair of Kathie Lee Giffords fighting 
for Frank's attention. Watch out, Reege. Looks like Chris Farley 
is ready to split in two any minute now. He's the current king 
of roly-poly physical humor and has cashed in with such flicks 
as Tommy Boy and Beverly Hills Ninja. Contributing Editor 
Dovid Rensin sat with Farley for a big round of 20 Questions that 
includes dessert benders and trolling for babes. 

Joseph Clark is one of the hottest new fiction writers. You'll 
know why when you read Jungle Wedding, a thrilling tale of lib- 
ertines at play in revolutionary Latin America. It's illustrated 
by Fred Stonehouse. Associate Editor Chip Rowe would rather en- 
joy his kink in the safety of his own home. The Net results of 
his lifelong search appear in Surfing for Sex. Before we get 
ahead of ourselves, turn to Playmate Revisited: Koren Velez, 
1985's PMOY. Filtered through the lens of photographer Arny 
Freytag, 12 years seem like yesterday. 


SHERIDAN 


GROBEL 


MORGENSTERN 


STONEHOUSE. 


ROWE FREYTAG 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), September 1997, volume 44, number 9. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, 


Playboy, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional ma 


offices. Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues 
Postmaster: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com. 


MAN’S GUIDE DIAMONDS 


ARE YOU one of the TWO MILLION 
victims of ENGAGEMENT RING anxiety? 


1. Relax. Guys simply are not supposed to know 

this stuff. Dads rarely say, "Son, lets talk diamonds? 
2. Bur it's still your call. So read on. 

3. Spend wisely. It's tricky because no two diamonds 


are alike. Formed in the earth millions of years ago, 
diamonds are found in the most remote corners of 
the world. De Beers, the world's largest diamond 
company, has over 100 years’ experience in mining 
and valuing. They sort rough diamonds into over 
5,000 grades before they go on to be cut and pol- 
ished. So be sure you know what you're buying. 
"Two diamonds of the same size may vary widely 

in quality. And if a price looks too good to be true, 
it probably is. 

4. Learn the jargon. Your guide to quality and 
value is a combination of four characteristics called 
The 4 Cs, They are: Cut, not the same as shape, 
but refers to the way the facets, or flat surfaces, are 
angled. A better cut offers more brilliance; Colon 
actually, close to no color is rarest; C/avity, the fewer 
natural marks, or “inclusions,” the better; Carat 

/, the larger the diamond, usually the more rare. 
5. Determine your price range. What do you spend on the one woman in the world who is smart enough to marry you? 
Many people use the fa months’ salary guideline. Spend less and the relatives will talk. Spend more and they'll rave. 


6. Watch her as you browse. Go by how she reacts, not by what she says. She may be reluctant to tell you what she 
an idea of her taste, don’t involve her in the actual purchase. You both will cherish 


really wants. Then once you have 
the memory of your surprise. 

7. Find a reputable jeweler, someone you can trust, to ensure you're getting a diamond you can be proud of. Ask 
questions. Ask friends who've gone through it. Ask the jeweler you choose why two diamonds that look the same are 
priced differently. Avoid Happy Harrys Diamond Basement. 

8. Learn more. For the booklet “How to buy diamonds you'll he proud to give? call 1-800-FOREVER, Dept. 21 

9. Finally, think romance. And don’t compromise. This is one of life’s most important occasions. You want a diamond as 
unique as your love. Besides, how else can faro months salary last forever? 


Diamond Information Center 
Sponsored by De Beers Consolidated Mines, Ltd., Est. 1888 


A diamond is forever. 
De Beers 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 44, no. 9—september 1997 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL ................ 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY... 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. — T 13 
MOVIES ............ ..BRUCE WILLIAMSON 16 
VIDEO 22 
MUSIC 24 
BOOKS ... 28 
WIRED .. m 30 
HEALTH & FITNESS sees EEA КӘ 
MEN ASABABER 34 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR.................. 37 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM oe TESORO TE CDU 41 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CHRISTOPHER | WALKEN—candid conversation .. 51 
CLONING? I DON'T THINK SO—humor........ Rm -JOE QUEENAN 60 
SPORTS BABES—pictorial . . н бё 
JUNGLE WEDDING-—fiction . . . eee ere JOSEPH CLARK — 72 
PLAYBOY'S FALL & WINTER FORECAST fashion ee HOLLIS WAYNE 76 
SURFING FOR SEX—artice ........... ss. CHIPROWE — 82 
PLAYBOY GALLERY: A JEAN-CLAUDE MAILLARD NUDE ...................... 85 
WHEELS *98—cors * .KEN GROSS 86 
MISS DESTINY—playboy's diras of ihe months: orth E A 90 
PARTY JOKES—humor ...... Pere DA UR T HE КАН 102 
ELECTRONIC XXE SB got 2 рт. - 104 
HIS NAME IS FRED—profile . " ......JOE MORGENSTERN 108 
PLAYMATE REVISITED: KAREN УЕІЕ2. ...................... 11 
PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST— sports .............. DANNY SHERIDAN 116 
BETTING THE ЅРВЕАР. .................... 147 
THE BUZZ hot stuff. сае " 120 
20 QUESTIONS: CHRIS FARLEY ss а 126 
РІРІМС HOT—smokes 2 RICHARD CARLETON HACKER 128 
BLONDE AMBITION—pictoridl. ise 130 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY E 160 
PLAYMATE NEWS... eser rei E IRATUS 0 c. 109 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE E eS er dne v ira E ES 175 Talking Dynasty? 
COVER STORY 


Jenny McCarthy and Pamela Anderson—two blonde goddesses who have be- 
come dream girls. Did we mention where each got her start? Here on our pages, 
of course. Both hove moved on to show business success and celebrity status, 
and we're so proud we thought it was time for a pictorial honoring them. Our 
cover shot of Jenny wos taken by Arny Freytag; Pamela's by Stephen Wayda. Our 
Rabbit always has been a good student; he's one of Jenny's prized pupils. 


JO DE FIULO e 7270 HE кксма 20 Dt JULIO DE 1983, Y CERTIFICADO DE LicrTUD OF CONTENIDO NE 3106 OE FECHA 29 DE JULIO DE 1983, EXPEDIOOS FOR La COMISION CALIFICADORA 5 
BE PUBUCACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUSTRADAS OE PENDIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACION. MERCO RESERVA DE TITULO EN TRAMITE 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


PLAYBOY 


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See the incredible allure that's landed 
every single one of these luscious ladies 
on the front covers of the world’s top 
‘magazines, catalogs and calendars. This 
first-ever edition of Playboy's Cover 
Girls celebrates the coveted combina- 
tion of sex appeal, charisma, spark and 
sizzle that sets these beautiful cover 
girls apart from other models. 

Book# QGFT9716 $6.95 


Order Toll-Free 800. 9 
Charge lo your Viso, MasterCord, Ameriton 
Express or Discover/NOVUS. Most orders shipped 
within 48 hours. Ask for book #061716 (Source 
code: 70178). 


Order By Mail 

Use your credit card and be sure to include your 
account number ond expirotion date. Or enclose а 
check or money order payable to Playboy. Мой 1o 
Playboy, PO. Box 809, Dept. 70178, tosco, Illinois 
(60143-0809. 

Tere hı a $2.00 shipping-and-hondling charge per foal eee 
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24K Gold Signature Card—Limited Edition 


Now you con hold the warld's most alluring 
blonde in the palm af your hand! This limited- 
editian collector card features Pamela's July 92 
Playboy magazine cover on the front, along with 
a 24K gold reproduction of Pam's own signature. 
On the back is one of the 

sexiest nude shots from her 


Playboy pictorials. The card is 
matted in an acrylic collector 
case and includes a display 
stand and a numbered certi 
cate of authenticity. Limited 
quantity—get yours now! 
Card# QD4847 $35.00 


Order Toll-Free 800-423-9494 

Charge to your Visa, MasterCard, American Express or 
Discovar/NOVUS. Most orders shipped within 48 haus. (Soorta 
code: 70175). 


Order By Mail 

Use your credit cord and be sure to includa your accavat umber 
ond expiration date. Or enclose a check or money order payahle 
fo Playboy. Mail to Playboy PO. Bax 809, Dept. 70175, ltasco, 
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PLAYBOY 


HUCH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL edifor; FICTION: 
ALICE К. TURNER editor; FORUM: JAMES К. PE 
TERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE associate 
editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edi- 
107; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; STAFF: BRUCE 
KLUGER, CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editors; 
BARBARA NELLIS associate editor; ALISON LUND. 
Cren junior editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant editor; 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN BUSHMAN. 
ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA SMITH. 
Senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK, 
LISA ROBBINS, SARALYN WILSON researchers; MARK 
DURAN research librarian; CONTRIBUTING 
EDITORS: ASA BABER, KEVIN COOK, GRETCHEN 
EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS (@utomo- 
live), CYNTHIA HEIMEL. WARREN KALBACKER, 
D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, REG POTTER 
TON, DAVID KENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS Senior directors; KRISTIN 
KORJENEK associate director; ANN SEIDL supervi- 
sor, keyline/pasteup; PAU. CHAN senior art assis- 
tant; jason SIMONS art assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR: 
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET associate editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, 
BETH MULLINS assistant editors; DAVID CHAN 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUL 
DAVID МЕСЕҮ, EYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR. 
STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photographers; 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; TIM HAWKINS manager, 
photo services; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU photo ar- 
chivist; GERALD SENN correspondent—paris 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 

MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI. TOM SIMONEK associate managers 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ERNIE RENZULLI advertising director; JAMES 01. 
MONERAS, eastern advertising sales manager; JEFF 
KIMMEL. sales development manager; Jot HOFFER 
midwest ad sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU market- 
ing director; LIS NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER 
kones rights €? permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
cunistir HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOYCOM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YDUR DAYTIME PHONE NUNBER 


OKLAHOMA CITY 
"There's no question that the 1995 
bombing of the Alfred P Murrah Feder- 
al Building was a horrible and brutal 
crime. But running Ben Fenwick's The 
Road to Oklahoma City (June) undercuts a 
basic right that everyone in this country, 
including Timothy McVeigh, is entitled 
to. Every U.S. citizen is presumed inno- 
cent in a court of law. I want to see justice 
served as much as the next guy, but I 
find it disturbing that rLAvBOv, a champi- 
on of constitutional rights, has ignored 
the Constitution in a rush to judgment. 
Wayne Williams 
waynew3@juno.com 
Fayetteville, Arkansas 
We did our job. We had a constitutional 
right to report the story. McVeigh's constitu- 
tional rights were guaranteed in a courtroom. 


Your article on McVeigh was allegedly 
prepared by his defense team, yet it fre- 
quently quotes ATF mock-ups and con- 
tinually portrays the prosecution's con- 
trived case. It has McVeigh pulling 
backup and primary detonator cords 
minutes before he parked the Ryder 
truck. It states that these were irrevoca- 
ble acts, but he was not yet assured a 
parking space by the Murrah Building 
on a busy morning. This is insane. The 
entire scenario appears to have been 
written by a stupid young lawyer who 
wants to incriminate McVeigh: 

Richard Reul 

richreul@pahrump.com 

Pahrump, Nevada 

We have confidence in the legitimacy of the 

documents. Ben Fenwick's article was based 
on those defense documents as well as other 
sources. The article was not prepared by the 
defense team. What's insane here isn't a park- 
ing scenario, but the bombing itself. 


WORN'S WORLD 

Dennis Rodman (Playboy Inierview, 
June) claims the NBA is crippled and 
that he’s the crutch. Nothing could be 
further from the truth. He stopped act- 


ing like a professional when he opted 
to become a media-fueled freak. It's a 
shame that Rodman is more interested 
in shocking people than in dazzling 
them with his on-court talent. 
Gregory Roberts 
Folsom, California 


Rodman compares himself to Jimi 
Hendrix. I'd like to point out the differ- 
ences: Hendrix was an egoless soul with 
a prodigious talent for music, while Rod- 
man is a shameless self-promoter with 
the ability to rebound. If he's looking for 
someone to compare himself to, he 
should try Milli Vanilli 

Michael Slattery 
Elizabeth, New Jersey 


No doubt you will get hostile mail 
about Dennis. These days, he’s every- 
body's whipping boy. but the truth is 
that he’s doing now exactly what he did 
when everybody loved him. Like most 
Kids, he just doesn’t know when to quit. I 
hope it isn’t until after the Bulls get their 
sixth championship. 

Mark Cox 
Chicago, Illinois 


VICTORIOUS VICTORIA 
PLAYBOY prides itself on its first-class 
articles and world-class taste in women. 
Scandinavian beauty Victoria Silvstedt 
(Playmate of the Year, June) certainly vali- 
dates that taste. 
Brian Rodgers 
Grove City, Ohio 


Victoria epitomizes charm, beauty and 
self-determination. I knew she was des- 
tined for greatness when she appeared 
in December 1996. I'm glad I was right. 

Daniel Torres 
TorresHouse@worldnet.att.net 
Chula Vista, California 


A MESSY AFFAIR 
AJ. Benza's treatment of adultery (The 
Perils of Adultery, June) is callous and 


SCIENTIFIC 


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PLAYBOY 


cavalier. The Popeye excuse—"I yam what 
1 yam”—isn't valid for philanderers, fellas. 
Don't get married if you can't keep your 
dick in your pants. Adultery is a problem 
as old as time, but advising people on 
how to have affairs is irresponsible. 

Juliet Whitted 

jewel@sirius.com 

San Francisco, California 


Benza's primer on how to cheat on 
one’s wife is extremely distasteful. His 
infidelity statistics come from his circle of 
friends, certainly not mine. A.J. should 
stick to what he knows—gossip. 

Ed DuBeau 
EDubeau@aol.com 
Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania 


Why would Benza glorify adultery 
when sexually transmitted diseases, in- 
cluding AIDS, are out there? He should 
write an article on the ways couples can 
keep the spark in their relationships in- 
stead of giving men excuses and 100 
ways not to get caught. 

Jonette Vallon 
New Orleans, Louisiana 


PENIS ENVY 
Michael Parrish's article Up, Up & 

Away (June) is a disservice to men suffer- 
ing from erectile dysfunction in that he 
doesn’t devote enough attention to psy- 
chology as a mode of therapy. If the 
problem is physiological, a physician 
should certainly be consulted. If it's psy- 
chological, however, there are other 
treatments, such as sensate focus, which 
was developed by Masters and Johnson. 
In the long run, the quick fix may not al- 
ways be the best solution. 

‘Travis Hill 

Germantown, Tennessee 


CALLING NURSE CAROL 
А note to Julianna Margulies (20 Ques- 

tions, June): I'm a 36-year-old stay-at- 
home mom from Kentucky. I live in a 
nice house with indoor plumbing. I have 
all my teeth and all my fingers, and I 
wear shoes outside. Гуе never had sex 
with my brother, father or any other 
member of my immediate family. 1 also 
have enough class to invite Julianna to 
my home for dinner if she’s ever in 
Louisville—as long as she can give me a 
couple of hours’ notice so I can defrost a 
possum, clean off the fancy eatin’ table 
and polish up the pot passers. 

Cathy Barden 

Louisville, Kentucky 


Like Margulies, I too was born in New 
York, but I was raised in Kentucky. Sure- 
ly Margulies is aware that the world is 
much too large for such ugly general- 
izations and that perpetuating hurtful 
stereotypes is not witty but the mark of 
an unimaginative mind. 

Christine Gerst Lane 
Louisville, Kentucky 


There is no more beautiful a woman 
on television than Julianna Margulies. 
John Young 
Cleveland, Ohio 


CARRIE ON 
As far as I'm concerned, you've found 
the next Playmate of the Year in Carrie 
Stevens (Carries New Life, June). Her 
sexy smile, hypnotic eyes and fabulous 
body are a delightful combination. 
Anthony Fernandez 
EI Paso, Texas 


As a subscriber for more than 20 
years, I've marveled at the beauty and 
sophistication of hundreds of incredible 


PLAYBOY pictorial subjects. But I've never 
written to you until now. Carrie Stevens 
represents all the positive qualities I ad- 
mire in PLavBoy’s women. Not only is she 
genuinely beautiful, she's also a woman 


who has known tragedy yet carries her 
experiences gracefully. 
David McCarty 
Indianapolis, Indiana 


I was moved by Carrie Stevens’ mem- 
ories of her former boyfriend Eric Carr. 
As a former Kiss fan, I felt Eric was the 
best drummer the band ever had and 
that his death was a tragedy. God bless 
Carrie for having the strength to get on 
with her life. 

David Konow 

Calabasas, California 


I have no doubt that Carrie Stevens 
will follow in Victoria Silvstedt's foot- 
steps next year. Besides being beautiful, 
she seems to have a great personality. 

Michael Barrett 
Maplewood, Missouri 


NOT SO SHARP 

Touré's Al Sharpton Has a Dream (June) 
reads like a biography without any of the 
interesting stuff. As for the Reverend, if 


he truly wants to stop racism in this 
country, he should stop calling himself a 
street nigger. 

Daniel Statkowski 

Cherry Tree, Pennsylvania 


The fact that Al Sharpton is running 
for mayor is uproariously funny, but 
the possibility that he may be elected is 
frightfully unnerving. 

Joyce Rich 
Pasadena, California 


CARLIN SPEAKS 
Thanks for the genius of George Car- 
lin in the June issue (Brain Droppings). 
Another common unnecessary phrase: 
new innovation. 
David Kloman 
Pensacola, Florida 


ELECTRAFIED 
I enjoyed the Carmen Electra pictorial 
(Electra Magnetism, June). Who says 
blondes have more fun? 
Robert Cosentino 
Robocoz@ix.netcome.com 
San Jose, California 


Carmen Electra's pure sensuality 
makes Singled Out a show I don't like to 
miss. I look forward to seeing her in a 
bathing suit on Baywatch. 

Bill Simpson 
Franklin, Tennessee 


PLAYMATE REVISITED 
When Lisa Baker made her 1966 ap- 
pearance in рїлувоу, she touched many 
of the GIs serving in Vietnam. Her June 
pictorial brings back fond memories. 
Rocky Hanrahan 
Wilmington, Massachusetts 


Lisa Baker is lovelier today than when 
she won Playmate of the Year honors in 
1967. I'm joyfully mystified as to how 
this happened. Thank you, PLAYBOY, for 
allowing us to visit with her again. 

Lanny Middings 
San Ramon, California 


А PLAYBOY-INSPIRED TRADITION 
I belong to a group of Civil War buffs 
who camp and compete throughout the 
year. A colleague wrote a letter to 
PLAYBOY in 1969 in which he requested 
a punch recipe. You replied and started 
a tradition that continues to this day. 
Playboy Punch has been served at our 
gatherings five to eight times a year, and 
the ingredients are mixed in a 55-gallon 
drum. Once a year, the veterans of our 
organization gather at our Shenandoah 
Valley campsite for a special competition. 
This marks our 25th year of the punch 
party. We will make 30 times the original 
recipe and mix it with a canoc paddle. 
Steve Light 
Dunkirk, Maryland 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. ei 


Omg Ш " per cigarette by ЕТС method. 
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big fun. that's the point, isn't it? 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


CLASS ACT 


At Northwestern University's Law 
School graduation this past June, gradu- 
ate Benjamin Bass spoke to his class- 
mates and observed: "I'm pleased to re- 
port that the class of 1997 includes 
individuals of the highest moral charac- 
ter, people who selflessly put society's in- 
terests ahead of their own. I salute both 
of them." 


THE END OF THE 
RAINBOW COALITION 


Toe-loving opportunist Dick Morris 
has nothing on his San Francisco coun- 
terpart, Jack Davis. The campaign mas- 
termind behind the last two mayoral 
winners managed to do the impossible— 
he shocked the local electorate. Davis’ 
50th birthday was attended by, among 
others, Mayor Willie Brown, the district 
attorney and a state assemblywoman. It 
featured live sex and bondage acts (gay 
and straight), male and female strippers 
and a glory-hole wall next to the stage. 
A satanic priest who headlined the bill 
had a woman carve a pentagram into his 
back. Then, before the astounded crowd 
of heavy hitters, she urinated on the 
bleeding design and sodomized him 
with a bottle of whiskey. "It was like walk- 
ing into a Mapplethorpe exhibit. It was 
so disgusting," said San Francisco sheriff 
Michael Hennessey. Perhaps most em- 
barrassed by the affair were San Francis- 
co 49ers executives, who had hired Davis 
to run a campaign to raise $100 million 
for a new stadium. Naturally, this led 
some local wits to joke that Davis was se- 
cretly working for the Dallas Cowboys. 


CALLOUS TREATMENT 


Dermatologists in New York City offer 
to reduce facial wrinkles in patients by 
injecting them with Botox, a botulism- 
causing bacteria that deadens tissue. The 
procedure costs $800. Recently, doctors 
have been touting an additional benefit 
of the treatment: It numbs the forehead 
to the extent that patients are inhibited 
from frowning or forming other facial 
expressions that would telegraph emo- 
tions during a business negotiation. 


THE COLOR OF TENURE 


The Wall Street Journal pointed out the 
growing academic discipline of "white" 
studies and reported on a meeting of 
professors and students in the field at, 
of course, the University of California- 
Berkeley. Elements under study include 
shopping malls, the Internet and Spam. 
May we suggest looking into Lawrence 
Welk's music, the history of the Weber 
grill and golf prior to Tiger Woods? In 
response to the charge that the study of 
whiteness doesn't carry academic weight, 
one doctoral student replied, “They said 
that about Madonna studies, 100.” 


SPICE CAKE 


If you can't stand the superhot Spice 
Girls, then maybe you'd enjoy them 
dressed in something cooler. The Naked 
Spice Web page has collected pictures of 
Geri inger Spice" Halliwell from the 
days when she was a nude model. The 
tantalizing raw Spice girl can be viewed 
at www.thehub.com.au/~sikosis/spice. 
hem. But what truly made us slaphappy 
was the accompanying quote from Geri: 
“Do you wanna come over here, darlin’, 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


and tell me while I smack your bottom 
She's not kidding—at a fund-raiser she 
pinched the royal heinie of Prince 
Charles. 


SHIP OF STATE 


British elections are always fun. In 
April, Screaming Lord Sutch's Monster 
Raving Loony Party proposed in its plat- 
form that Britain be towed to the 
Mediterranean in order to improve the 
island's damp and foggy climate. Bar- 
ring that, the party suggested eliminat- 
ing January and February to shorten the 
winter. Also on the agenda was a propos- 
al to require dogs to eat phosphorescent 
food to make their soilings more visible 
and therefore easier to avoid. 


MAIL NAG 


Coming to the aid of our deteriorating 
language skills is Ellen Phillips and her 
business, Ellen's Poison Pen: Profession- 
al Leuers of Complaint. For $15 per 100 
words, Phillips will boil down your rant, 
compose the facts in clear and forceful 
language and mail it off to the offending 
party. She boasts a 90 percent success 
rate in righting wrongs and getting re- 
dress or compensation, but her skills are 
not limited to complaints. She is also re- 
sponsible for a series of love letters that 
ended in a happy marriage. 


SERB SOMEBODY 


The troubles in Serbia have apparent- 
ly spawned a rash of soothsayers. News- 
papers are clogged with ads for fortune- 
tellers, and business is brisk. The queen 
of the Serbian soothsayers is Kleo Patra, 
a 36-year-old transvestite whose clients 
include the wife of Serbian president 
Slobodan Milošević. His $80 fee is the 
equivalent of an average month's salary. 
He sports long red hair and diaphanous 
gowns, and though he weighs more than 
200 pounds, he sells dict teas and pills 
called Kleo tablets that promise to make 
the user more vital. He even has a TV 
show on which he warns that the "Serbs 
area doomed people destined to slaugh- 
ter themselves in catastrophic wars in 
the next century." As for the U.S., he 


RAW DATA 


[_SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


QUOTE 

"Bill, 1 don't do 
Windows."—sCIENCE 
FICTION GRAND MAS- 
TER RAY BRADBURY TO 
BILL GATES WHEN 
GATES RECENTLY ASKED 
BRADBURY ABOUT HIS 
COMPUTER NEEDS 


RUNNING ON 
FUMES 

According to a re- 
cent survey in Medi- 
cine and Science in 
Sports and Exercise, 
average number of 
alcoholic drinks con- 
sumed per weck by 
male marathoners: 
14. Average number 
of drinks consumed 
by their sedentary 
counterparts: 5. 


MARRY ME, EH? 

According to a 
survey recently con- 
ducted by Club Med, 
the percentage of 
women who believe 
that Canadian men make the best 
husbands: 41. 


MULTIPLICITY 
Percentage rise in twin births in the. 
U.S. since 1980: 42. 


RICH MAN, PORSCHE MAN 
Selling price of a 1954 Porsche 356 
Speedster owned by Jerry Seinfeld at 
a recent auction: $82,950. Estimated 
market value if Seinfeld's name had 
not been associated with the car: 
$45,000. 


CAUGHT IN A BARE TRAP. 
Percentage of men who admit to 
having had sex with a woman they ac- 
tively disliked: 58. 


FAIR-WEATHER FRIENDS 
Gross receipts of Friends actor Da- 
vid Schwimmer's film The Pallbearer: 
$5.7 million. Of Matt LeBlanc's film 
Ed: $4.4 million. Of Matthew Per- 
ry's film Fools Rush In: $30 million. 
Of Courteney Cox’ film Scream: 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


Ina study of 86 couples in 
their carly 20s, women part- 
nered with the most physical- 
ly symmetrical men (those 
with proportional feet, facial 
features, wrists and so on) 
claimed to have orgasms 75 
percent of the time—more 
than twice the rate (30 per- 
cent) claimed by women with 
the most lopsided partners. 


$100.2 million. Of 
Lisa Kudrow's film 
Romy and Michele's 
High School Re- 
union: $24.8 mil- 
lion. Of Jennifer An- 
iston's film She's the 
One: $9.5 million. 
Gross of former 
Friends pet monkey 
Marcel's movie Out- 
break: $67.7 million. 


MICKEY MUTANT 

The average cost 
ofa white lab mouse: 
$1. The cost of a spe- 
cially bred, geneti- 
cally engineered lab 
mouse: $300. 


DEBT KNELLS 

The average con- 
sumer debt per U.S. 
household in 1990: 
$38,734. In 1995: 
$50,529. Projected 
average debt in 2000: 
$65,796. 


BLUE TUBE 

Chances a TV program during the 
“family hour” will contain sex-related 
talk or behavior: 75. Percentage in- 
crease since 1976: 400. 


ALTITUDE SICKNESS 
Percentage of women who won't 
sleep on an airplane: 27. Percentage 
of those women who won't sleep be- 


cause they're afraid of drooling: 32. 


UNCLE SAM I AM 
According to Random House, per- 
centage of firstborn children in the 
U.S. who have a Dr. Seuss book: 20. 


GONE TO POT 
Estimated number of Americans 
who smoke marijuana in an average 
month: 10 million. 


DON'T BLAME DEMI 
According to the Motion Picture 
Association of America, percentage 
increase in cost of producing and 
promoting a movie during the past 
ten years: 148. —LAURA BILLINGS. 


says, "Don't worry about America. In 
your country I see lots of floods." Whew. 
Patra is also sought out for relationship. 
advice. "I tell couples who have trouble 
that they each have to go out and find 
new sexual partners. Usually one of 
them loves the idea and the other has to 
be persuaded. If you love someone you 
have to be able to give them up for oth- 
ers to love. For Kleo Patra, physical be- 
trayal does not exist.” Patra does not 
take criticism lightly. When a local paper 
accused him of being a sham, he said 
that he was preparing "to beat that so- 
called reporter like a cat." 


HOT PLATE SPECIAL 


We admire the Vermont woman whose 
creative vanity plate reads змтаз. The 
plate number is more interesting when 
seen through the rearview mirror. 


BORIS’ SECRET 


Capitalism in Russia is risky. Thus, the 
company that manufactures bulletproof 
vests for Boris Yeltsin has come out with 
bulletproof men's briefs. The boxer-style 
shorts have seven steel plates and what 
seems to be a drop front for easy john- 
son withdrawal in case you need to uri- 
nate. The shorts are designed to deflect 
a bullet from an Uzi at five meters or, we 
assume, the wrath of an angry Russian 
wife from much closer in. 


RHAPSODY IN BLUE 
The Eat Me Now soft drink company 


is marketing a new beverage called Mot- 
ley Brue, in honor of the band of almost 
the same name. The cobalt blue drink 
not only leaves your mouth an intense 
azure, it electrifies your subsequent bow- 
el movements as well. Eat Me Now says 
that Motley Brue is for those “who are 
done with the drugs and alcohol thing 
but still want to have fun.” What could 
be more sinlessly enjoyable than shitting 
a Smurf? 


ONE-NOTE PALATE 


Luciano Pavarotti recently told Biogra- 
phy magazine that he becomes totally ab- 
sorbed when he paints. “1 don't feel tired 
or hungry,” the rotund tenor said. “I of 
ten forget to eat.” The key to his willpow- 
er was revealed in a description of a rep- 
resentative Pavarotti still li Melon 
balls poached in Cointreau, on a bed of 
French vanilla ice cream.” 


OH SAY, CAN YOU SEE? 


Lucy Lawless, a.k.a. Xena the Warrior 
Princess, converted an arena full of 
hockey fans into Xenaphiles when she 
sang the national anthem at an NHL 
playoff game. As she finished she flung 
her arms high, which proved too much 
for her bustier: voila/—braless Lawless. 
Of course, the fun ended when she was 
whistled for crossing the blue line. 


AN 


LABEL 


Enjoy Red Label Responsibly 
996 Schein e Somerset Ca, New York, NY 
Weser. Red шег. nic ® 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


THE ONLY sympathetic character found in 
In the Compony of Men (Sony Classics) is an 
attractive deaf woman named Christine 
(Stacy Edwards). Two ambitious busi- 
nessmen, Chad and Howard (Aaron Eck- 
hart and Matt Malloy), who have had 
trouble with the women in their lives, 
use Christine as the target of their sexu- 
al revenge. They pretend to love her, 
then leave her, comparing notes along 
the way. The cruel prank by these frus- 
trated corporate players is clearly relat- 
ed to their ethics on the job. Feeling 
threatened from boardroom to bed- 
room, they trample on Christine's fragile 
ego with an intensity that won Company 
of Men a Filmmakers Trophy for drama 
at this year’s Sundance Film Festival. 
Christine's bitter victory is that one of 
the seducers falls in love with her, but 
the other one scores. Feminists are divid- 
ed about writer-director Neil LaBute's 
well-crafted movie. Is it a put-down of 
women, or a highly sympathetic portrait 
of a woman victimized by competitive, 
mean-spirited men? Either way, LaBute 
has turned out an edged-in-black tragi- 
comedy that forces the audience to think 
twice. YYY 


Six newly unemployed guys in a Bri 
ish steel town decide to go for broke af- 
ter noting a crowd of women lined up to 
see male strippers in a traveling Chip- 
pendales show. That's The Full Monty (Fox 
Searchlight). The men vant to cash in, 
despite the fact that they're a motley sex- 
tet of overweight, overage or mercly 
overconfident local yokels. Directed by 
Peter Cattaneo and taken from a lively 
screenplay by Simon Beaufoy, Monty fea- 
tures Robert Carlyle (Begbie the psycho 
in Trainspotting) as the group's dogged 
ringleader, with Tom Wilkinson and 
Hugo Speer among his exhibitionist 
chums. More about survival than sex, 
this droll Anglo sleeper starts with a sly 
smile and ends with a flourish. ¥¥¥ 

е 


Director Kevin Reynolds, whose pre- 
vious efforts (Waterworld, Robin Hood: 
Prince of Thieves) have been mediocre, re- 
deems himself with 187 (Warner Bros.). 
Written by Scott Yagemann, a former 
teacher who knows the turf, this taut, 
provocative thriller stars Samuel L. Jack- 
son in a meaty role as Trevor Garfield, a 
dedicated high school science teacher in 
Brooklyn. Stabbed by a student, his re- 
solve severely shaken, he transfers after a 
yearlong recovery to a school in Los An- 
geles. Despite the moral support of col- 
leagues (John Heard and Kelly Rowan), 


16 history repeats itself for Garfield. He 


| 4 


Perez and Walker: Bright Angels. 


Men playing love games, 
guys blending genders and 
gals making waves. 


finds his new post just another arena 
of mindless violence—with amoral, un- 
teachable students in command. The 
movie has a grainy, natural look and an 
implacable commitment to truth, howev- 
er harsh it might be. Bereft of easy solu- 
tions, /87 (the section of the California 
penal code that defines murder) hits you 
like a hard left hook. УУУУ; 


Twenty years elapse before two school 
friends, Karl and Paul, meet again on a 
London street in Different for Girls (First 
Look). At first, Rupert Graves as Paulthe 
macho bike messenger doesn't recognize 
his former chum, now a transsexual 
named Kim, convincingly portrayed by 
Steven Mackintosh. Once Paul has ab- 
sorbed the shock, he teaches Kim how to 
ride a motorbike, and a strange, close 
relationship develops. There's no high- 
camp local color to obscure the sympa- 
thetic depiction of Mackintosh's low- 
profile Kim, who writes greeting-card 
copy and who would rather concentrate 
on her career than flaunt her revised 
gender. Director Richard Spence and 
screenwriter Tony Marchant handle this 
story of improbable romance with can- 
dor and dignity. ¥¥/2 

. 


Made in New York and variously de- 
scribed as a psychological whodunit or 
a romantic mystery, Sunday (Cinepix) 
scores as an acting showcase for two top- 


notch British performers. Another audi- 
ence hit and award winner at Sundance, 
the movie stars David Suchet (PBS' de- 
tective Hercule Poirot) as a down-on-hi 
luck man, formerly with IBM, living ata 
homeless shelter in Queens when he is 
mistaken for a famous movie director by 
an unemployed English actress (Lisa 
Harrow). What first appears to be a sim- 
ple case of misidentification turns into a 
kind of cat-and-mouse game. The two 
strangers wind up in bed, the woman's 
estranged husband appears and com- 
plex questions develop as to who's doing 
what to whom. Co-author and director 
Jonathan Nossiter's attempts to tantalize 
the viewer are partly successful, though 
he fritters away far too much time with 
the shelter's male occupants discussing 
the absent IBM man. Surday works best 
when its two talented principals are left 
to walk, talk, lie through their teeth and 
wonder. ¥¥ 


Nobody probes the hearts and minds 
of the British working class like writer- 
director Mike Leigh, acclaimed for his 
1993 Naked and 1996 Oscar nominee Se- 
crets & Lies. Leigh scores slightly lower 
with the modest, wry and rueful Career 
Girls (October Films). Ten years after 
they were London roommates, Hannah 
and Annie (Katrin Cartlidge and Lynda 
Steadman) get together again. They're 
more sophisticated now, referring to 
their pasts in flashbacks while Hannah 
hunts for a fancier flat. In the process, 
they bump into former male friends who 
jog their memories of the bad old days. 
Mark Benton is the mentally disturbed 
Ricky, and Joe Tucker is a macho real es- 
tate huckster named Adrian who can't 
quite remember that he took both wom- 
en to bed a decade earlier. The English 
accents get pretty thick, but that’s a mi- 
nor handicap for this touching spice-of- 
life comedy. УУУ 

б 


Setin Spain circa 1934, just before the 
outbreak of civil war, the sleekly pro- 
duced Talk of Angels (Miramax) scores 
with showy performances by two hot 
European stars. England’s drop-dead- 
beautiful Polly Walker joins France's Vin- 
cent Perez in the trite tale of an Irish 
governess who falls in love with hand- 
some and married Francisco, son of the 
family that employs her. He'sa rich anti- 
fascist, but forget the political backdrop. 
Directed by Nick Hamm, this adaptation 
of a book by Irish novelist Kate O'Brien 
is lush, old-fashioned schmaltz, just what 
Bette Davis and Olivia de Havilland 
used to do. True to formula, the passion- 
ate lovers wind up saying goodbye to 
avoid hurting other people. Backed by a 


oup US LLC, New York, NY. 10017 


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v "wk 


Meaney: His Irish is up. 


FF CAMERA 


Irish-born Colm Meaney, 44, has 
managed not to be pigeonholed 
into a son-of-Erin stereotype. He is 
in his fifth season as operations of- 
ficer Miles O'Brien on TV's Star 
Trek: Deep Space Nine series and 
plays in a slew of films, including 
The Van—third in the Roddy Doyle 
trilogy that began with The Commit- 
ments. He played the father in that 
film, a role that still ranks as one of 
his favorites. "I was a sort of Elvis 
Presley worshiper. The humor ap- 
pealed to me. 

Meaney left school in Ireland at 
17 to be an apprentice fisherman. 
“That's very hard work, and I 
wised up quickly. Out in a storm 
one day, a guy said: "Why don't 
you fuck off and get into the 
priesthood or something?'" In- 
stead, he joined Dublin's Abbey 
"Theater school, which led him to 
New York, Los Angeles and his 
first role in a major film, in direc- 
tor John Huston's The Dead. 

Colm has worked in theater, 
movies and TV since he moved to 
the U.S. inthe early Eighties. He is 
now divorced and lives in Califor- 
nia with his 12-year-old daughter, 
describing himself as "a resident 
alien." The crop of movies on 
Meaney's résumé this year in- 
cludes Con Air, in which he plays 
the government man, “a border- 
line asshole.” Recently completed 
is Oud Bob. (“Actually, that's the 
name of a sheepdog. It's about 
Irish shepherds, and I play a very 
nice guy, for once.") He's a pimp 
in another movie he calls the Un- 
titled Kerrigan Movie, and a 
small-time Boston criminal in a 
film directed by Ted Demme. 
Meanwhile, it’s back to Ireland for 
a week's work. Then he'll be on 
a two-week holiday in Greece, 

“with my daughter, who's very in- 
to archaeology.” He hasn't had 
a vacation in two years. "I sound 
like a workaholic, yet I've always 
thought of myself as slightly lazy." 
Now that smacks of pure blarney. 


solid multinational cast (including Fran- 
ces McDormand, Franco Nero and Ruth 
McCabe), Walker and Perez earn points 
for coating the film's abundant clichés 
with glamour. ¥¥ 

. 


Made in Australia and adapted from a 
stage play by David Williamson, Brilliant 
Lies (Castle Hill) deals with sexual harass- 
ment. Director Richard Franklin charts 
the case of Susy (Gia Carides), who sues 
her former employer (Anthony La 
Paglia) for blatant harassment and wrong- 
ful dismissal from her job. It turns out to 
be a rigged accusation, concealing truths 
almost more damning than Susy's origi- 
nal statements indicate. That's the sur- 
prise payoff that keeps Lies clicking 
along, with nice work by Carides and her 
sister Zoe (cast as Susy's on-screen sister 
Katy, a lesbian who has a problem lying 
for her sibling). Ray Barrett adds anoth- 
er dimension as the girls' alcoholic, abu- 
sive father, whose daughters treat him 
with more respect than he deserves. 
Laced with wry humor, Lies handles a 
touchy subject with compassion. УУУ 

. 


Cameron Diaz and Rupert Everett 
walk off with scene-stealing honors in My 
Best Friend's Wedding (Tri-Star). Though 
she's the star, Julia Roberts has the least 
appealing role. She's a conniving bitch 
through most of this uneven comedy, 
scheming and lying to keep her longtime 
best friend (Dermot Mulroney) from 
marrying the woman he really wants (Di- 
az, as a thoroughly charming nitwit). 
Everett plays Julia's gay boss from New. 
York, who poses as her love interest to 
make Mulroney jealous. He breezily 
dominates the movie's very best scenes. 
When it's good, Wedding is pretty good. 
And when it's just OK, it’s a shaky vehi- 
cle for Roberts, who's almost impossible 
to admire until she's slathered with star- 
dust in the final reel. ¥¥ 


If you're partial to monster movies, 
the one to see is Men in Black (Columbia), 
director Barry (Get Shorty) Sonnenfeld's 
witty, inventive spoof of every special-ef- 
fects epic from E.T. and Alien to Jurassic 
Park. As K, the main man in black (with 
Will Smith as his partner, J), Tommy Lee 
Jones deadpans: "There are about 1500 
aliens on the planet, most of them here 
in New York.” Tracking them down—es- 
pecially Vincent D'Onofrio as the evil 
Edgar -leads to inspired fun, written by 
Ed Solomon, about a plot to destroy 
earth. Smith, after his winning stint in 
Independence Day, seems entirely in sync 
as Jones’ straight man, ably abetted by 
Linda Fiorentino as Laurel the medical 
examiner. Here’s one of the major plea- 
sures of summer 1997 for those who'd 
rather be entertained than bombarded 
by nonstop sound and fury. ¥¥¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Alive ond Kicking (Reviewed 8/97) Gay 
British dancer falls for his shrink. YY 
Batman & Robin (Listed only) Generic 
standard mayhem. OK, but the real 
stars are Arnold and Uma. yy 
Box of Moonlight (8/97) John Turturro 
is a rigid electrical engineer learning 
to bend a little. yy 
Brilliont Lies (See review) A case of sex- 
ual harassment down under. LUZ 
Career Girls (See review) Two former 
roommates in swinging London. ¥¥¥ 
Different for Girls (See review) Trans- 
sexual dates onetime pal. ууу. 
Dream With the Fishes (8/97) Would-be 
suicide elects to live it up instead. YY 
The Full Monty (See review) British guys 
taking it all off a la Chippendales. ¥¥¥ 
Grind (7/97) Billy Crudup plays a 
bad boy, and you'll be hearing more 
about him. LUZ 
Guantanamera (8/97) Love blooms on 
a burial trip in modern Cuba. ¥¥¥ 
In the Company of Men (See review) Two 
guys set on sexual revenge. ur 
Intimate Relations (6/97) A dubious 
lodger beds his landlady and her 
daughter. yyy 
Lote Bloomers (8/97) Lesbian love 
erupts and disrupts a small-town 
high school. Wr 
Love! Valour! Compassion! (7/97) Holi- 
day weekends with the gay set. ¥¥¥/2 
Men in Black (See review) High-level sf 
spoofery—and a laugh riot. УУУУ 
Mrs. Brown (8/97) How Queen Victoria 
shucked off her widow's weeds. ¥¥¥ 
My Best Friend's Wedding (See review) 
Julia gets bitchy and places third. YY 
Nightwatch (6/97) Ewan McGregor fac- 
es serial murderer in morgue. УУУ 
187 (See review) Samuel L. Jackson 
scores as a traumatized teacher. ¥¥¥/2 
Ponette (8/97) Child actress triumphs 
as girl whose mother dies. wy 
Star Mops (8/97) Celebrity-home tours 
or cheap thrills from Hollywood 
studs. LUZ 
Sunday (See review) Homeless man 
meets actress for mutual deception.¥¥ 
Talk of Angels (See review) Love in 
Spain before the civil war. ET] 
This World, Then the Fireworks (8/97) Fi- 
asco with screwed-up siblings. Уу 
Ulee's Gold (7/97) Peter Fonda comes 
into his own in a role sii 
his father used to play. 

Wedding Bell Blues (7/97) Hunting for 
husbands in Las Vegas, three gals 
crap out. yy 


YYYY Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


Jersey worn by Bronko 
Nagurski in 1943 when, after 
a6 year retirement, he 
returned to play three 
positions for the Chicago 
Bears, and lead them to 
an NFL Championship. 


Watch worn by Brian 
McDermott the night he 
regained his crown as 
arm-wrestling champ 
at Michael's Old 
Town Tavern. 


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redesigre 


VIDEO 


GUEST SAIT 


For Michael Caine, 
video is the best way 
to feed his passion 
for his profession. “I 
have mainly classics 
in my collection,” 
says the suave Brit, 
“especially all of 
those early black- 
and-white thrillers, such as The Third Man, 
On the Waterfront and Casablanca. Those 
were the days when personality and plot 
led the movie, not just spectacle." Al- 
though he admits he owns the blockbust- 
ing Independence Day, he's quick to add 
that "the special effects are incredible, but 
the script is nil." And while the Caine tape 
library also includes the works of, well, 
Caine (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Zulu, Al- 
fie), he's not his favorite English actor. That 
honor, he says. is reserved for his late 
friend Cary Grant. “I have almost every 
movie Cary made. He was a wonderful guy 
and a great hero.” — SUSAN PICHIN 


VIDBITS 


News was really news when Walter Cron- 
kite was behind the microphone, and 
now CBS Video has given the veteran 
anchorman his due. Cronkite Remembers 
($19.98) is a 95-minute tribute to "the 
most trusted man in America," featuring 
highlights from the legendary news- 
man's six decades of reporting the 
events of the day. Included are Cron- 
kite’s coverage of the Kennedy adminis- 
tration, the space program and the Vict- 
nam war (when Cronkite denounced 
U.S. military involvement on the air, 
President Johnson declared, “I’ve lost 
Walter Cronkite, I've lost the war!"), as 
well as archival news footage and rare 
home movies. And that’s the way itis. 


ZOMBIES ON PARADE 


Green skin, glassy eyes, an insatiable ap- 
petite for human flesh. Congressmen af- 
ter hours? Of corpse not—they're zom- 
bies. Stalk right up. 

Cemetery Man (1995): Who said zombies 
aren't sexy? Gravedigger Rupert Everett 
has a hot tryst with supermodel Anna 
Falchi before she begins to decompose. 
Dead Alive (1992): Director Peter Jack- 
son's audacious, over-the-top gorefest 
climaxes when Timothy Balme crashes a 
rockabilly zombie party with a lawn 
mower—turned sideways. 

Night of the Living Dead (1968): George 
Romero's seminal low-budget shocker 
about Pennsylvania being overrun by re- 
lentless zombies is still one of the scariest 


22 films of all time. Don't watch it alone—or 


with a full stomach. 

1 Walked With a Zombie (1943): Classic title 
but not many ghouls—just girls. Nurse 
Frances Dee uses voodoo to revive a bar- 
on's frigid wife. Sure, try it at home. 
Zombie Island Massacre (1984): Former 
congressional wife Rita Jenrette has bet- 
ter luck fending off an army of decaying 
zombies—while singing—than she does 
keeping her clothes on. 

Re-Animator (1985): Mad med student 
Jeffrey Combs’ serum brings body parts 
back to life. The film's highlight—involv- 
ing a naked woman and a reanimated 
severed noggin—redefines “giving head." 
Return of the Living Dead (1985): In this bit- 
ing (and chomping) spoof of Romero's 
Night, brain-eating fiends and mutilated 
dogs devour Louisville. Directed with 
sicko verve by Dan O'Bannon. 

The Stepford Wives (1975): The robotic 
housewives of Stepford, Connecticut 
keep in shape, obey their husbands and 
have sex on command. So, uh, what's 
the problem? —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


It's a second chance for Seconds (1966), 
John Frankenheimer's razor-sharp dra- 
ma about an unhappy businessman who. 
gets transformed through plastic sur- 
gery and still isn't happy. Rock Hudson 
is in top form, and cinematographer 
James Wong Howe keeps the tension 
high. The Paramount Deluxe Edition of 
Seconds ($40) has been remastered in a 
wide-screen format (1.85:1), with added 
footage and commentary by Franken- 


VIDEO 
STOGIE 
OF TRE 
MONTH 


Its production val- 
ues are modest, 
its star power 
nonexistent and 
there isn't even 
an automatic 


weapon in sight. 

But The Premium 

Cigar (Chameleon, $24.95) 

is informative, practical and unpreten- 
tious—useful qualities when it comes to. 
navigating today's trendy world of cigars. 
The 60-minute quide covers the basics— 
how to select, cut, light and smoke a good 
handmade cigar—and even includes a 
few tips on cigar etiquette and a study of 
tobacco blending. Light up, boys. 


heimer. . . . Once DVDs catch on, the 
game will undoubtedly be: Who can put 
the most imaginative supplementary ma- 
terial on the discs? Warner's DVD re- 
lease of The Exorcist (1973, $25) has a 
jump on the action, having included a si- 
multaneous French audio track along- 
side the English version. This will de- 
light trivia buffs who know that French 
film legend Jeanne Moreau dubbed the 
voice of Mercedes McCambridge, who 
provided the growls and curses of the 
possessed Linda Blair. OK, so how do 
you say, “Your mother sucks cocks in 
hell” in French? —GREGORY Р FAGAN 


subUrbia (local slackers wox philosophical when prodigal 
rock stor pal retums; Bagosian's script, crisply filmed by Link- 
later), Gridlock’d (junkies Shakur and Rath try to ga clean; 
Running Scored meets Trainspotting). 


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| Those who appreciate 


ROCK 


FORMER NIRVANA drummer Dave Grohl 
played most of the instruments on Foo 
Fighters’ 1995 debut, emphasizing the 
melodic aspects of his previous band. On 
The Colour and the Shape (Roswell/Capitol), 
Grohl's guitars and vocals are augment- 
ed bya full band, including sideman Pat 
Smear, formerly with the Germs and 
Nirvana. This time, Grohl leans on his 
old punk roar and crunch while main- 
taining his melodic smarts. Monkey 
Wrench, My Poor Brain and Wind Up are 
often exhilarating and never a mere car- 
bon copy of Nirvana. Foo Fighters 
proves it can build on the grunge legacy 
instead of plunder it. 

A few years after the breakup of his 
country rock band Uncle Tupelo, Jeff 
Tweedy took Wilco to critical acclaim 
with the daring double album Being 
There. But his ex-bandmate Jay Farrar's 
outfit, Son Volt, is even more impressive. 
On its sophomore effort, Straightaways 
(Warner Bros.), Farrar's plaintive vocals 
are grounded by brisding guitars and 
the sweet whine ofa pedal steel. Straight- 
auays sounds like Neil Young and Gram 
Parsons crossed with early R.E.M. 

Even Deadheads will admit that Jerry 
Garcia's guitar playing could sometimes 
be mere noodling. But bluesy and soul- 
ful? That's the side of Garcia that's re- 
vealed on the superb How Sweet It Is. . . 
(Grateful Dead/Arista), a live recording. 
by his jazz and rhythm-and-blues side 
group, the Jerry Garcia Band. Loose but 
funky covers of Marvin Gaye, Bob Dylan 
and Lightnin’ Hopkins focus Garcia’s 
playing. His slinky explorations are still 
graceful, but here they're also gritty. 
Garcia could play with this fire and edgi- 
ness in the Dead, but never as consis- 
tently or joyously. — VIC GARBARINI 


"The first few times I saw the video for 
Hanson's single MMM Bop. 1 thought, 
That lead singer is the hottest babe on 
MTV since Jenny McCarthy. So imagine 
my surprise when I read in the press bio 
accompanying Middle of Nowhere (Mer- 
cury) that Hanson consists of three 
brothers, and the hot babe is in fact a 14- 
year-old boy named Taylor. I suspect a 
record company marketing ploy in Tay- 
lor's lip gloss (young women dig inno 
cent androgyny), but I still love that 
damn song despite my outraged libido. 
Taylor has an amazing voice, urgent and 
innocent and ear-grabbing in the way of 
Michael Jackson's voice at the peak of 
the Jackson Five. MMM Bop consists en- 
tirely of three chords: A-D-E, the first 
three that every guitar player learns. 
Millions of songs have been written 
around them. If it sounds new and fresh 
to my old ears, that's because it’s new 


24 and fresh to Hanson. Nobody has made 


Foo Fighters' new Colour and Shape. 


Foo Fighters build on Nirvana's 
legacy, Jerry Garcia rocks and 
the Hanson brothers bop. 


A-D-E this catchy since the Troggs, and 
we should all be grateful. The rest ofthe 
album ranges from pretty good to so-so, 
with Taylor's voice being the redeeming 
factor. Hanson could be a contender, 
and it could be a one-hit wonder. But, 
oh, that one hit. 

Nostalgia television was a load of crap 
when it came out, and it's a load of crap 
now. But since it's a part of my child- 
hood, I have some feeling for it. show & 
Tell: A Stormy Remembrance of TV Theme 
Songs (Which) is an anthology of 35 such 
songs, and the punk bands on it capture 
the right balance between contempt and 
affection. They may even get you some 
laughs at your next party when you play 
Name That Tune. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


U.K. music is split between techno and 
pop- Bis, three wiseass kids from Glas- 
gow, is pop. But Bis isn't interested in 
the Sixties totems that so inspire Blur 
and Oasis. The Beatles and the Kinks 
are older than Bis’ parents, so when the 
band digs for roots, it unearths Gary Nu- 
man and Duran Duran. The New Transistor 
Heroes (Grand Royal) is keyed to punky 
unison chants and high-pitched key- 
boards and guitars. The music seems de- 
signed to irritate older listeners—as are 
the attacks on pop stars, homophobes 
and businessmen. Bis isn’t the first band 
to believe this is the best way to target 
teens. We shall see. 

Like Bis, Tiger extends the guitar-sat- 
urated garage-band attitude to various 


keyboards (including Moog bass) with- 
out soundingat all techno. But in gener- 
al, this quintet from southwestern Eng- 
land takes a more open approach than 
does Bis. On the EP Shining in the Wood 
(Bar None, Box 1704, Hoboken, NJ 
07030), Tiger's delight with itself is un- 
mistakable, and in pop, that’s the ulti- 
mate prize. — ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Skunk Anansie is one of the best 
young rock bands in the U.K. With some 
luck, it will make waves on this side of 
the pond. The band's second U.S. re- 
lease is called Stoosh (One Little Indi- 
an/Epic). Led by Skin, a black lesbian 
with a shaved dome and a great voice, an 
anthem such as Yes, It’s Fucking Political 
rips into the lyrics with pit bull gusto. 
The lyrics dwell obsessively on politics 
and sex, often viewing both as sides of 
the same coin. But Skin is also effective 
on ballads. Infidelity (Only You) and Hedo- 
nism (Just Because You Feel Good) are deli 
ered with poignancy. Skunk Anansie is 
capable of great intensity. I hope the 
group can break through. 

—NELSON GEORGE 


COUNTRY 


Ray Wylie Hubbard wrote Up Against 
the Wall Redneck Mother, which became 
the anthem of outlaw country. Hubbard 
did what rebellious young rednecks do 
to render themselves legendary, and 
then he sobered up, grew spiritual and 
learned to control his craft. But Hub- 
bard also did the unexpected: He be- 
came a powerful artist. Dangerous Spirits 
(Rounder/Philo) offers a song cycle that 
moves from bitterness to revival. The 
music touches country basics: bluegrass, 
norteno and honky-tonk rock and roll. 
At its center is Texas folk blues, best ex- 
pressed in the wicked slide guitar ballad 
The Last Younger Song. But that's just the 
craft. As an artist, Hubbard now pro- 
vides what twice-born outlaws rarely 
manage: He cuts loose with a palpable 
sense of joy. On the songs If Heaven Is 
Not a Place to Go and Without Love, Hub- 
bard's grave voice glides with the joy ofa 
boy who has become a man 

The soundtrack to Traveller (Asylum) 
could be the country concept album of 
the year, pairing some of Nashville's 
finest with C&W and rock chestnuts. 
While Randy Travis singing Roger 
Miller, and Jimmie Dale Gilmore doing 
Lefty Frizzell, are pretty obvious, per- 
suading Mandy Barnett to sing anything 
is right. But getting real rock and roll 
out of the pallid likes of Bryan White, 
and a touching Young Love from Kevin 
Sharp, ought to earn an award for pro- 
ducer Bill Paxton. —DAVE MARSH 


R&B 


ОМС” How Bizarre (Mercury) is a fine, 
soulful, funky album from a Nuiean- 
Maori New Zealander. Imagine a multi- 
national Marvin Gaye copping licks from 
New Order and surf music, and you get 
the picture. If you can't imagine it, bet- 
ter listen up, because OMC brings it off. 

— DAVE MARSH 


BLUES 


How does 80-year-old John Lee 
Hooker do it? You don't pull off albums 
as energetic as Don't Look Back (Point 
Blank) simply by recruiting younger 
artists such as Van Morrison and Los Lo- 
bos. For that matter, Hooker maintains 
an intensity that his pals have lacked 
lately—hell, it's livelier than what he did 
30 years ago. Maybe Hooker's limita- 
tions have made him immortal. In case 
that’s true, I'd try regular doses of this 
stuff as an elixir. — DAVE MARSH 


RAP. 


Heavy D checks in with Waterbed Hev 
(Uptown/Universal), a 12-track collec- 
tion that places his playful boasting and 
double entendres over sample-heavy 
R&B tracks. Listening to Heavy D is like 
hearing a compilation of everything that 
is going on in hip-hop. It's rarely inno- 
vative but it’s charming.—NELSON GEORGE 


Anyone who has concluded that DJ 
Shadow is what hip-hop is all about 
should check out Shadow's buddies La- 
teef and Lyrics Born on Latyrx: The Album 
(Solesides, PO. Box 6254, Albany, CA 
94706). — ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


JAZZ 


The album of duets by pianist Herbie 
Hancock and saxophonist Wayne Shor- 
ter, 1 + 1 (Verve), will surprise fans. With 
no other instruments (or even an ampli- 
fier) in sight, these two old friends create 
a program of introspective acoustic 
chamber music. When Shorter's soprano 
sneaks in after one of Hancock's intro- 
ductions, it may as well be a diva singing 
of love and loss. The format makes it dif- 
ficult to sustain variety, and you'll need 
extra hearings to sink into these intimate 
conversations. But / + 1 is heartfelt. 

In the early Nineties, tenor saxophon- 
ist Clifford Jordan led a jazz orchestra 
that critics adored. But the band’s one 
album had such dismal sound, the rest of 
us remained unconvinced. Now comes 
Play What You Feel (Mapleshade, 2301 
Crain Highway, Upper Marlboro, MD 
20774) to clear things up. Jordan's band 
featured the same surging power as 
did his rough-hewn saxophone. Hear- 
ing it in detail, you can understand 
the fuss. NEIL TESSER 


FAST TRACKS 


OC K 


METER 


Christgau | Garbarini 
" 
та New Transistor 
Heroes 8 5 7 4 6 
Foo Fighters 
The Coleur and the 
8 8 2 6 8 
Hanson 
Middle of Nowhere i i 8 6 8 
5 8 6 2 7 
6 8 8 5 8 


HELLO, GORGEOUS DEPARTMENT: An 
auction held in Los Angeles last 
spring gave Barbra Streisand's fans a 
chance to bid on items "worn, owned 
or touched" by the diva, including 
gym socks. And you thought Elvis soap 
on a rope was silly. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Producers of a 
new movie called Monterey Pop. star- 
ring Claire Danes and Ethan Hawke, 
want Pete Townshend to do some of 
its music. The real festival (the Who 
played there) is a backdrop to the 
film, a love story. . . . Hammer is com- 
ing out from under his money woes 
and can be seen in a Showtime movie, 
Connections. . . . The Player, which took 
on Hollywood's dark side, will have a 
music business counterpart in Weasels, 
about a music honcho who signs a tal- 
entless female act. Expect a sound- 
track CD and cameos by record-biz 
types.... There will be a film bio 
of John Hammond, who signed Dylan, 
Aretha, Springsteen and Pete Seeger to 
Columbia Records. . . . Vanessa Wil- 
lioms will shoot a movie about the 
world of Latin dance competitions 
and perform some of the songs on the 
soundtrack, written by Gloria Estefan 
and her husband, Emilio. . . . A docu- 
mentary of the making of Carly Simon's 
new album will air on American 
Movie Classics in October. . . . Ice Cube 
has directed Player's Club, a movie he 
also wrote. . .. A film on the life of Phil 
Spector may be made by the Jerry 
Maguire team of Tom Cruise and Cam- 
eron Crowe. . . . Madonna may play a 
Harlem violin teacher in Fiddlefest. . . . 
U2 has recorded a song with Sinéad 
O'Connor for Wim Wenders’ new movie, 
The End of Violence. . . . The Spice Girls 
have announced they're making a 
Nineties version of A Hard Day's Night. 
We'll be the ultimate judge of that. 


NEWSBREAKS: Golden Throats #4: Ce- 
lebrities Butcher the Beatles is out this 
month from Rhino. You can wince 
through Bing Crosby's Hey Jude and 
William Shatner’s Lucy in the Sky With Di- 
amonds, among others. . - . In the five 
years since its inception, the Smith- 
sonian Institution Oral Jazz History 
Program has collected more than 100 
interviews, and the archives are acces- 
sible to researchers, students, journal- 
ists and jazz lovers. For more informa- 
tion, call 202-633-9166. . .. MCI will 
present the 40th Annual Monterey 
Jazz Festival September 19-21. Head- 
liners include Sonny Rollins, Arturo San- 
doval, Koko Taylor and Charlie Haden. . . . 
PJ. Harvey is in the studio and shooting 
for a fall release of her next album... 
TLC is also in the studio, with an ex- 
pected November release date. The 
women are discussing film work too, 
both acting and singing. - . - They're 
back: K.C. end the Sunshine Band's re- 
union album, Yummy, will feature all 
new material (the group's old hits 
have been covered by everyone from 
White Zombie to Montell Jordan)... .' he 
five-CD boxed set Genius and Soul: The 
50th Anniversary Collection contains 
material that spans Ray Charles’ career. 
It just went on sale. . . . Cable-TV hon- 
cho Alan Gerry bought the 37-acre site 
of the Woodstock Festival and 1000 
surrounding acres for a music theme 
park. Yikes. . . . If you're in Washing- 
ton, D.C., check out the Starland Café 
owned by Joan and Bill Danoff (he of 
the Starland Vocal Band), for an after- 
noon delight of another kind. . . . 
Songwriter sim (Total Eclipse of the 
Heart) Steinman and Roman Polanski are 
casting a vampire musical that will 
open in Vienna in October. It’s de- 
scribed as "savage rock sounds and 
opera.” — BARBARA NELLIS 


25 


“T eet enough 


bullat work. 


I dont need to smoke it” 


WINSTON 


16 mg. “tar”, 1.1 mg. nicotine. 
av. per cigarette by FTC method, 


BOOKS 


UNCOMMON CONVERSATIONS 


In this dark age ofcelebrity soundbites, Studs Terkel is a jour- 
nalistic Diogenes. He has given voice to the rarely heard 
working men and women of America in eight books of re- 
markable interviews, For his 
latest, My American Century (New 
Press), he selects 46 unsung 
people to summarize his 
life's work in a sort of an- 
thology. Excerpted from 
classics such as Division 
Street, Hard Times, Race, 
Working and Coming of 
Age, these interviews re- 
veal the 85-year-old Ter- 
kel as our keenest anthro- 
pologist. The range of his 
conversations is wide: He talks 
with former Klansman C.P. El- 
lis, cabbie Dennis Hart, former Kamen 
stockyard worker Eva Barnes 

and Jean Gump, a grandmother who was in federal prison for 
protesting missile silos in Missouri. All provide riveting testi- 
mony. This book condenses a 30-year search for people whose 
convictions give meaning to their lives—and ours. —DIGBY DIEHL 


MY AMERICAN CENTURY 
Stuck Tortel 


MAGNIFICENT 
OBI CLINTON Y 


August 16 marks the 20th anniversary of Elvis’ death, but 
the King lives—certainly in baaks. Elvis: Precious Memories 
(The Best af Times), by Donna Presley Early and Edie Hand 
with Lynn Edge: A family baak inspired by the King's aunt 
Nash and causins Danna and Edie. Their Elvis is tender, vul- 
nerable, humorous and spiritual. Memphis Elvis-Style (John Е 
Blair), by Cindy Hazen and Mike Freeman: A definitive guide 
to the city the King called hame traces his life thraugh the 
churches where he dreamed of stardom, the recarding stu- 
dias and stages where he perfarmed, the restaurants where 
he ate and even the dealerships where he baught his cars. 
Elvis: In the Twilight of Memory (Arcade), by June Juanico: 
Ғапу years after “the luckiest girl in the warld” 
ended her ramance with Elvis, Juanico 
wrate her memoirs. Child Bride 
[Harmony], by Suzanne Finstad: 
Priscilla Beaulieu, the waman who 
married the King, reveals his dark 
side. Down at the End of Lonely 
Street: The Life and Death of Elvis 
> Presley (Dutton): by Peter Harry 
Brown and Pat Braeske. From 
the team that wrate the 1996 
Howard Hughes: The Untald 
Story comes this downbeat portrait 
af Elvis’ final years that includes the 
bulk af his medical records. 1, Elvis: 
Confessions of c Counterfeit King 
(Boulevard Baoks), by William Mc- 
Cranar Henderson: The stary af a 
middle-aged prafessar who trades 
his chinas and axfords far a 
jeweled jumpsuit in his quest 
to be the King. It’s a trip. 
—HELEN FRANGOULIS 


sioned by Publishers do the big favorit 
lonely sand is the Bible, which was picked by 17 percent 


of the respondents. That sends novels by Stephen King 
and John Grisham floating off in bottles (with only four 
percent each). The survey also reveals that women buy 
more books than men—as if Oprah's book club weren't 
proof enough. Guys, on the other hand, are the top 
readers of science fiction, business and computer tech- 
nology books. Interestingly, the majority of readers (63 
percent) claim to be unimpressed by best-seller lists, 
and more than two thirds of them decide what to read 
by checking out the dust-jacket blurbs. 


TOM CROSSES THE LINE 


As historical romances go, Mason & Dixon (Henry Holt) is 
downright strange. But it's no run-of-the-mill bodice-rip- 
per—it's Thomas Pynchon's 773-page take on the two English 
surveyors who delineated the boundary between Pennsylva- 
nia and Maryland. It's actually a complicated shaggy-dog tale, 
with a cast of characters that 
includes Ben Franklin, a 
hemp-smoking George Wash- 
ington, a mechanical duck 
and an able ancestor of Pig 
Bodine. The reader will 
struggle with the book’s 
anachronistic style, but the 
effort is rewarded. The slyly 
named narrator, the Rev- 
erend Wicks Cherrycoke, 
takes Mason and Dixon on 
their vaudevillian journey 
to America. But, for all of its 
picaresque qualities, M&D 
is essentially about the enduring follies of the Age of Reason 
and the false accuracy and misguided imperatives of straight 
lines. In fact, after the two surveyors finish running their line 
through the Alleghenies, they come to recognize it as a "con- 
duit for Evil.” A delightful mixture of high and low, of Lau- 
rel and Hardy and Diderot, Mason & Dixon 
stands out as one of the best 
literary novels of the dec- 
ade.—LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


HOLLYWOOD'S FAST LANE 

Fast Forward: Growing Up in the 
Shadow of Hollywood (Knapf) 
will knock your socks off. Pho- 
tographer Lauren Greenfield 
dacuments children of privilege 
and of the streets in 79 unforgiv- 
ing phatagraphs accampanied by 
interviews. Seduced by celebrity, 
‘appearances, money ond posses- 

sians, these children don't even seem to be aware af their loss af in- 
nocence. Nose jobs, madeling, persanal trainers and a bar-mitzvah 
ga-go dancer are just parts af ardinary life far these extraordinary 
California kids. —HELEN FRANGOULIS 


16mg "tar", 1.1 mg. nicotine av. 
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette Pe onere tu oed 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


Yours have additives: 


94% tobacco 
— ” ты юй m 

S% additives 

*Laboratory analyses of the top ten U.S. non-menthol les show all 


of their tobaccos contain a minimum of 6% additives on a dry weight basis. 


New Winstons dont. 
азоо TOBACCO 
True taste. 


(©1997 RJ. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


WIRED 


MORE DISHING 


We knew Rupert Murdoch's plans to cre- 
ate a 500-channel service for direct- 
broadcast satellite were too good to be 
true. As we reported last spring, Mur- 
doch's News Corp. intended to merge its 
ASkyB DBS system with Echostar's Dish 
Network to create a single service called 
Sky. But Sky was grounded shortly after 
the initial announcement, leaving the 
Australian media mogul looking for an- 
other partner. According to newspaper 
reports, Murdoch may have found one 
in Primestar, the number two satellite 
service. Although this deal could crash as 
quickly as Sky did, the buzz surrounding 
its potential continues to stir up compe- 
tition in the growing DBS market. 
Primestar subscribers could find that the 


merger with News Corp. means smaller 
dishes (from 36 inches to 18 inches) and 
significantly more programming op- 
tions. In the rival DSS camp, program 
providers DirecTV and USSB have hint- 
ed at expanding their 200-channel ser- 
vice by way of technical refinements and 
options on new satellite licenses coming 
up for auction soon. And Echostar, now 
flying solo (with marketing support from 
its first licensee, JVC), will move forward 
with its plans to add “spot beaming” of 
local channels, initially in the eastern 
half of the U.S. We'll keep you posted on 
all of the progress. 


VHS GOES DIGITAL 


Not content to let DVD hog the video 
spotlight, the 20-year-old VCR is jump- 
ing into the digital age. New D-VHS 
VCRs let you record digital bit streams 
beamed from direct-broadcast satellites 
onto special tapes, with virtually no loss 
of quality. For DSS subscribers, RCA and 
Hitachi are introducing D-VHS VCRs 
designed for the system's new high-end 


30 Generation III receivers. Late this year, 


JVC will introduce a D-VHS VCR com- 
patible with Echostar's Dish Network re- 
ceivers. All will be priced under $1000, 
but there's a hitch. With such superior 
recording capabilities, program provid- 
ers—especially Hollywood studios—are 
nervous about pirates duplicating their 
wares. Still under discussion 
is a copyright protection sys- 
tem for satellite signals. If 
the system goes into effect, 
you may not be able to 
record those pay-per-view 
movies onto D-VHS after all. 
On the upside, D-VHS cas- 
settes (which resemble VHS 
tapes) hold more than 40 gi- 
gabytes of data—far more 
than any storage media 
available. So even if you 
can't record movies, the ma- 
chines are a natural accessory for big 


downloads from PC/TV appliances. 


THE CONVERGENCE PUSH 


Dismal sales of the first PC/TV products 
may suggest that the sofa set prefers its 
boob tube without a brain. But that's not 
stopping electronics and PC manufac- 
turers from attempting to computerize 
the TV. Gateway 2000 recently intro- 


a charger thot con accommodate four hand 


of talk time or, when not in use, can go three days without a charge. 
For those who wont to juice their Clipfone independently, Astralink ol- 


so sells remote chargers with on extra hand: 
you're into space-efficient electronics, check 


Power Cinema VCR. This home-theater component 
combines a four-head hi-fi videocassette recorder 
with a Dolby Pro Logic audio-video receiver. The 
price: about $700. ® If you have a big media 


room, and a bigger budget, check out Paı 
sonic's new 61-inch PT-61XF70 projection 
(about $4000). In addition to its 750-line re 


olution capocity, this monster set features a 


built-in DVD player. If you haven't yet experi- 
enced DVD, the five-inch multimedia for- 
mat combines a superior picture and digi- 
tal surround sound with major starage 
capacity. (The entire Star Wars trilagy 
could be stored on a single DVD.) e Mi- 
nolla has introduced the caolest digital 
still camera ta date—the Dimäge V. 
This slick silver point-and-shooter costs 
about $900, stores images on a re- 
movable PCMCIA card and feotures 

о rotating 2.7x zoom lens that de- 
taches from the camera body, allow- 

ing you to shoat from any angle. 


duced its second-generation Destina- 
tion, a combination 32-inch Mitsubishi 
TV and MMX- and DVD-equipped PC. 
IBM has modified an office computer 
for the living room, and Compaq has 
joined forces with RCA to launch PC 
"Theater, a powerful computer with a 36- 


= 


inch RCA television. These systems cost 
$2000-plus, but several companies (in- 
cluding Sony, Philips, Zenith, Proton 
and Mitsubishi) are going more afford- 
able routes, either by tweaking their 
television sets to allow for Web surfing, 
chatting and sending e-mail, or by intro- 
ducing separate components capable of 
the same. Our take? This is just practice. 
When HDTV hits in 1998, TVs will be 
computers whether we like it or not. 


—— WILD THINGS  — 


Cordless phones don't get much funkier than Astralink's Clipfone (pictured 
below). Created by Son Francisco's renowned Frogdesign—the company 
that gave Mac and Acer computers visual punch—the 25-channel cordless 
comes in a variety of color combinations and base-station options. Our 
favorite, the $160 Clipfone 6300, combines a speakerphone base with 


sets. Each offers twa hours 
Iset far about $60. e If 


out Sony’s SLV-AV100 


na- 
TV 


S- 


WHERE & HOWTO BUY ON PAGE 160. 


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32 


HEALTH & FITNESS 


HELP FOR THE HESITANT 


Steak or fish? Celica or Mustang? Break up or shack up with 
Brenda? If you wrestle with such questions, you may be going 
about your decision making in the wrong way. You're proba- 
bly thinking too much. New research suggests that people 
who suffer from the Hamlet Syndrome (self-absorption and 
doubt when decisive action is called for) can learn to choose 
wisely. Neuroscien- 
tists at the Universi- 
ty of Iowa Medical 
College found that 
successful decision 
makers consider log- 
ic and fact but dis- 
cover whats right 
for them by heeding 
their intuition. The 
research compared 
two sets of subjects: 
one group with nor- 
mal brain function, 
one with damage to 
the area of the brain 
that affects decision 
making. The 
mal" group relied on 
instinct and fecling- 
based hunches and 
came out on top. 
"Those whose choices were fact-based made self-destructive 
decisions and lost. Laura Day, author of Practical Intuition, 
teaches “emotional” decision making by stressing attention to 
feelings over expert opinion, common sense over precon- 
ceived ideas. Relax, breathe, free-associate with your eyes 
shut, she advises, and ask yourself specific questions such as 
“Should I marry Brenda?” instead of ambiguous ones such as 
“Will Lever be happy?” 


WILD MAN WEIL 


If you've never heard of Andrew Weil, you've probably been 
on an inadvertent “news fast,” the soothing break from world 
events prescribed in his latest best-seller, Eight Weeks to Opti- 
mum Health. In it, the guru of alternative medicine—named 
one of the year's most influential people by Time—turns his 
theoretical opus, Sponta- 
neous Healing, into an ac- 
tion plan that includes 
good nutrition, Chinese 
herbs, detoxification and 
advice such as, “Buy 
fresh flowers” and “Get 
a puppy.” Weil has a 
medical degree from 
Harvard, where he 
and classmate Timo- 
thy Leary conducted 
groundbreaking re- 
search on mind-al- 
tering drugs in the 
early Sixties. In Eight 
Weeks, Weil weighs in 
on everything from cavi- 
ties to cancer. Noncelebri- 
ty docs demand clinical data. Weil replies that he crafts his 
remedies from anecdotal evidence—though with book tours, 
speaking gigs and a PBS contract, he's not likely to see any 
soon. Look him up at www.drweil.com. 


FANNY, 


Mud is good: Weil in the wild 


GLIDERS—FLYING HIGH OR HYPE? 


So you're up late watching one of those annoying infomer- 
cials. It’s a Health Walker. No, it's an Airofit. No, a Fitness 
Flyer. “Call now," the announcer says, "for firmer thighs, 
tighter arms and glutes that stand up and shout hallelujah!” 
But wait. Are these glider devices the miracles they're touted 
to be? Not quite. "These machines are not adaptable to all fit- 
ness levels and will not produce the promised results to an 
everyday exerciser,” warns exercise physiologist Richard Cot- 
ton from the American Council on Exercise. If you're present- 
ly inactive, steady use of an air glider can tone muscles, boost 
endurance and burn calories equal to a slow walk or jog. But 
look elsewhere if you want a high-intensity workout or mus- 
cles with cut or bulk. Many brands are wobbly, noisy and un- 
stable, so try before you buy, meaning shop in a fitness store, 
not off late-night TV. 


| DR. PLAYBOY 


Q: I've heard there's a new recreational drug on the 
| scene that’s better than ecstasy. I never tried ecstasy, but 
I'm tempted by this one. Can you tell me about it? 

A: The drug is most likely ketamine, also known as Spe- 
cial K, Vitamin K, K, Green or Cat Valium. It’s 
a dangerous sedative intended only 
as an anesthetic for animals. It is 
} particularly popular these days on the 
club scene in New York, where emer- 
gency-room doctors have seen many 
partygoers after they've snorted the drug 
and lost control of their muscles. Still 
tempted? The hype on the drug promises 
the dreamy, hypnotic effect of heroin with a 
sexual buzz similar to cocaine. The trouble 
is, a bad ketamine trip resembles paranoid 
schizophrenia and can end in the psychi- 
| atric ward. Ketamine is mostly snorted in 
75-100 mg doses and lasts 30 minutes or so. 
[| its also injected. Regular users can suffer 
seizures and permanent memory loss. Even a 
casual dose can cause severe mental distress. 
"This is a high that's not worth the risks. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 160 


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33 


MEN 


long with those 100 percent pious, 

straight and morally perfect South- 
ern Baptists, I was shocked this past 
spring when stand-up comedian Ellen 
DeGeneres came out as a gay woman 
(came out in real life, that is, along with 
Ellen Morgan, her character on Ellen, a 
mediocre sitcom on Disney-owned ABC). 

Having had no clue that Ellen was 
anything but a heterosexual woman with 
a great lust for men (and having devel- 
oped an enormous crush on her), I start- 
ed going to group therapy with several 
male friends to handle the shock I felt 
on April 30. 

To hear the hypemeisters tell it, Ellen's 
revealing of her homosexuality was a 
radical and risk-taking adventure and an 
exercise in conglomerate courage. (Did 
you ever notice how often high-level ex- 
ecutives talk about their courage?) And if 
you listen to what some of my buddi 
group therapy are saying, the hypemeis 
ters may be right. 

Timmy the Trader, a 30-year-old com- 
modities broker at the Chicago Board of 
Trade, echoed our universal confusion 
about the matter: “Ellen's announce- 
ment that she is gay destroyed me. I 
wasn't prepared for it. I used to be six 
feet tall, but that show sucked all the 
marrow out of my spine and now I'ma 
foot shorter. My shrink says it's called 
post-traumatic Ellen disorder. She 
thinks I should sue ABC and Disney for 
exposing me to it. But she also thinks 
they were incredibly brave to air such a 
sensational episode." 

Dirk the Turk, a 40-year-old private 

vestigator from Gary, Indiana, agreed: 
“As I watched Ellen that evening, my 
world fell apart. What is ABC tying to 
do to us? Boy, they sure pulled the wool 
over my eyes. I had placed Ellen ona 
pedestal as the ideal woman for me. I've 
never been married, but Ellen was my 
first choice for a bride. I could see the lit- 
tle bungalow in the glen, the white pick- 
et fence, Ellen cooking dinner for me in 
the kitchen while I sat on my butt and 
drank beer in the living room. It was an 
unrealistic fantasy, but a man can dream, 
can’t he? I even had her poster taped on 
my bedroom ceiling. But I was thor- 
oughly fooled by an entertainment con- 
glomerate. They had me so bamboozled. 
Ellen is gay? I'm ashamed I didn't see it 
until now.” 

Boomer the Tumor, a 50-year-old 


34 trucking executive from Cicero, Illinois, 


By ASA BABER 


had the same reaction. “The first time I 
saw Ellen on her show, a couple of years 
ago, I got completely turned on. Biff- 
boom-bop, that's the chick for me, I said 
to myself. I can be a charming guy, you 
know. I make great lasagna, I sing like 
Pavarotti and I put a clove of garlic up 
my ass every time I take a broad to bed. 
1 do all the right things, in other words. 
And most women love me, so I was ready 
to hit on Ellen if I ever met her. But Di 
ney should have prepared me better for 
the fact that she likes only girls, because 
that really screwed with my head, man. I 
may never be able to love or trust a 
woman again." 

Mac the Hack, a 20-year-old North- 
western University student majoring in 
computer sciences, had similar prob- 
lems. "I usually go into the computer lab 
with a toothbrush, a case of peanut but- 
ter and my laptop for a few months at a 
time, so I miss a lot of ordinary things. 
But I always tuned in to Ellen, no matter 
what else I was doing. Ellen was a major 
sex symbol for me and all my computer- 
geek friends. We had envisioned her as 
the Marilyn Monroe of the Nineties, real 
slinky and seductive. She kept sending 
out these vibes that said, "Take me, take 
me, you great big hunks of masculinity." 
She gave guys like us hope. But we 
crashed like hard drives when she came 
out of the closet. She had us deleted 


before we had even booted up, and we 
didn't know it." 

Given the extraordinary hype about. 
Ellen's coming out—about how spectac- 
ular it was going to be and how bold the 
executives were to broadcast it—you 
might think that those of us in the 
straight world would never be able to re- 
cover our equilibrium. We learned, sup- 
posedly for the first time, that: (1) hu- 
man sexuality is a complicated matter, 
(2) some women are not attracted to 
men, (3) some women are sexually 
turned on only by other women and (4) 
some women find men unimpressive in 
the sack (DeGeneres told Diane Sawyer 
on 20/20 that she had tried sex with a 
couple of men and found that she didn't 
like it. "I kept hearing the song Is That 
All There Is?" she reported. With some 
condescension in her voice, I thought). 


Even in this age of hype, the efforts to 
sell Ellen were pretentious in the ex- 
treme. Most of us understand that there 
are women not attracted to the male 
gender. That concept has been made 
quite clear to us for several decades. Fur- 
thermore, most of us are not prejudiced 
or antigay, and to be told repeatedly that 
weare is insulting and boring. This is the 
last taboo, of course: to tell those people 
who would portray us as bigots that we 
are not bigots, that the straight-versus- 
gay debate has been vastly overhyped 
and that it is time for influential forces 
such as Disney and ABC to stop painting. 
us as biased and stupid. With Ellen they 
sold us a revelation that was not a revela- 
tion. They hyped an orchestrated pseudo- 
confession that neither shocked nor sur- 
prised us. 

It is said that when Disney acquired 
ABC, some of ABC's executives were 
sent to Disney training seminars in or- 
der to learn the ways of Chairman Walt. 
It is also said that those same executives 
were stuffed into costumes and sent out 
into the crowds at Disneyland so they 
could see through Goofy's eyes the pow- 
er of the public's infatuation with the 
Disney myth. 

That was a good idea, and whoever 
thought of it should get a promotion, 
but somebody should tell those execu- 
tives to take off their Goofy costumes and 
get back to work. 


Obedience School Graduate. Valedictorian. 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


ІМ, girlfriend and I have been togeth- 
er a little over a year. We are both sopho- 
mores in college. Being sort of old-fash- 
ioned, I don't believe in premarital sex. 
For the past three months, she has been 
trying to push me into it. Last week I 
overheard her talking with a friend and 
got the impression she may start looking 
elsewhere for sexual fulfillment. I don't 
want to losc her, but I don't want to com- 
promise my values, either. What should 
I do?—N.S., Indianapolis, Indiana 

Before your girlfriend leaves, reconsider 
why you wish to remain a virgin until you're 
married. Sometimes sex can teach you les- 
sons about yourself that can help strengthen 
a relationship. Other times it keeps people in 
bad relationships from moving on. While 
many people believe sex should be part of on- 
ly a committed relationship such as mar- 
riage, others embrace chastity because they 
have deep-seated fears of the alternative. 
Where does the Advisor stand? We believe in 
great sex. If you sleep with your girlfriend to 
keep her from leaving, it won't be great sex. 
And she'll leave anyway. 


Д while back you printed a letter from 
a college student asking if it was abnor- 
mal for a man to wear women's under- 
wear. The letter reminded me of the first 
time I wore 2 woman's panties. My date 
and I were on a skiing weekend. As 1 was 
getting ready for bed, she asked if I had 
any extra underwear. 1 thought this 
was peculiar but erotic. She rummaged 
through my duffel bag and pulled out a 
pair of clean white briefs. She giggled as 
she pulled them up over her curvaceous 
ass and let the elastic snap across her flat 
stomach. She then pulled on one of my 
T-shirts. She jumped into bed, saying 
she had her pajamas on and wanted me 
to tuck her in. I had never felt so sexual- 
ly charged. She said there was one more 
thing to put on before we started. I said, 
“My socks?" She laughed and told me to 
lie down and close my eyes. I could sense 
something smooth and feathery being 
pulled over my feet and up my legs. I 
lifted my butt and felt her slide the 
silky fabric between my cheeks. When 1 
opened my eyes, I was wearing purple 
thong panties that fit snugly over my 
erection. My date stroked my throbbing 
cock through the fabric until 1 told her 
we had better fuck before I came in her 
panties. Would you classify this as abnor- 
mal?—L.W., Toronto, Ота! 

Clean underwear got you laid? This 
changes everything. 


Iioc: a condom have to be used imme- 
diately after it is opened? I would like to 
keep my girlfriend guessing —C.]., Pitts- 
burgh, Pennsylvania 

If you want to keep her guessing, play 


“Jeopardy.” Putting on a condom too long 
before intercourse could allow the latex to 
dry out. That increases the risk of breakage 
and could make intercourse uncomfortable. 
Other tips: Open the package carefully so 
you don't nick the condom with your teeth or 
nails. If the condom feels brittle or sticky or 
looks discolored, discard it. If the condom 
won't roll en easily, you have it inside out. 
Squeeze the tip to create room for the semen. 
And it’s best to wrap a used condom in tissue 
and throw it in the trash rather than flush it 
doum the toilet, where it could clog the 


plumbing. 


[апке to comment on the letter in May 
from the reader whose wife wouldn't let 
him come in her mouth. Has he consid- 
ered that she might not like the taste or 
texture of come? I have stilled many of 
my wife's apprehensions by going down 
on her after intercourse. She doesn't like 
the feeling of come oozing out of her as 
she falls asleep, so I clean up by per- 
forming oral sex on her. Usually it ends 
up being foreplay, with the second cli- 
max (or the third) being even more in- 
tense. I have to say I’m not crazy about 
the taste or texture of ejaculate, but it 
has become an incredible turn-on for 
my wife. She's now more inclined to let 
me come in her mouth once in a while. 
It was a big step, but it's a start, and we 
have been married for 20 years. Would 
that reader’s wife be willing to take it 
into her mouth if he would?—J.H., Boi- 
se, Idaho 

Isn't this how parents get kids to eat beets? 
As the editors at Bust (www.bust.com) advise 
men in a guide they call “Don'ts for Boys”: 
“Don't ask me to swallow anything you 
wouldn't swallow yourself." We admire your 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


fortitude, and we like how you manage to rev 
your wife's idling engine. 


Your response to the reader whose wife 
didn't vant him to come in her mouth 
included the verdict, "She won't finish 
because she thinks your ecstasy is her 
degradation." That could be the prob- 
lem. But there are other possibilities. 
Like many women, I have had negative 
experiences when guys have ejaculated 
in my mouth. This happens when an ex- 
cited lover places his hand on the back of 
my head at the moment of climax, then 
pushes down while he thrusts up with 
his penis. Even though men have not 
meant to hurt me, I've choked, and it's 
frightening. I've learned to communi- 
cate my concerns now and it's no longer 
a problem. I love giving blow jobs and 
having men come in my mouth. You 
would have been of more service if you 
had encouraged the reader to gently ex- 
plore the problem with his wife or sug- 
gest she discuss it with a female friend 
who enjoys the full blow-job experi- 
ence.—L.N., San Francisco, California 

We're talking about the same thing: com- 
municalion. Unfortunately, that. reader's 
wife didn't seem open to discussion. Instead, 
she offered an ultimatum and a lame excuse 
(“They only do that in the movies"). As for 
the such and choke, other female readers 
wrote to express the same concern. One wom- 
an said she harnesses her husband's unbri- 
dled orgasms by tying his hands and midsec- 
tion to Ihe bed. First she brings herself to 
orgasm using his erection like a dildo, Then 
she suchs him until he ejaculates. The mo- 
ment he begins to come, she lifts her lips off of 
his penis so he can see himself squirting into 
her mouth. As a finale, she “corks the geyser” 
by deep-throating him. “I love taking control 
of his cock," she says, and for some reason, 
he never complains. 


Thanks for the question in August 
about sex in space. But what about mas- 
turbation? Surely an astronaut could be 
more discreet with that sort of sexual ac- 
tivity. In its literature about the space 
shuttle, NASA points out that "the bath- 
room on the orbiter is a private room 
where the curtain is drawn, with a nor- 
mallooking toilet, a light over the right 
shoulder to read by and the hatch win- 
dow on the left to look down at earth." 
The toilet includes a flex tube that uses 
airflow to pull urine (or come) into a re- 
ceptacle. Unfortunately, NASA doesn't 
provide specifics on the force of this air- 
flow, or suction created by this tube, or 
how closely it fits the penis—R.B., Mia- 
mi Beach, Florida 

It is difficult to believe that at least a few 
astronauts haven't yanked their emergen- 
cy cords in-flight. A former NASA flight 


37 


PLAYBOY 


surgeon reported "anecdotal evidence" that 
arousal and ejaculation can occur in zero 
gravity. As if every guy on earth doesn't al- 
ready know erections can happen anywhere. 


One of my pet peeves is when the wait- 
er opens the wine without putting it on 
the table and thus allows it to shake. In 
France, the wine opener sets the bottle 
on the table while extracting the cork 
and never shakes or stirs the wine. When 
I complain about this to servers, they 
treat me like a boor. What does the Advi- 
sor think?—B.T., Oakland, California 

We're with you. A good restaurant will 
store a bottle of wine on its side. If it needs to 
be decanted when it is ready to be served, it 
should be carried so as not to disturb the sed- 
iment on the side of the bottle. Anything 
a server does that shakes the bottle is un- 
necessary showmanship—the sommeliers of 
France and most in the States know this. You 
aren’t being a boor for asking that your wine 
be served properly. 


M, lover and I enjoy a ritual that 
we've never seen mentioned in the Advi- 
sor. Her pubic hair is dense and grows so 
fast that I get to trim it monthly. We 
aren't content with bikini trims but pre- 
fer artwork instead. I've created an ar- 
row (guess where it points), my initials, a 
Christmas tree and a Dallas Cowboys 
star. We take a snapshot of each creation 
and enjoy reminiscing with our private 
photo album. My lover also gets a kick 
out of predicting what my next sculp- 
ture will be. The only expense is the bat- 
teries for my mustache trimmer. What 
do you think?—R.M., Oklahoma City, 
Oklahoma 

You're an artist. Have you tried the Rab- 
bit Head? 


Eighteen months ago my wife of nine 
years was diagnosed with multiple scle- 
rosis. She feels sick much of the time, so 
I don't make advances. I love her and 
want to continue the relationship, but I 
have this desire to go out and get royally 
laid. One wild weekend would do the 
trick, but I'm sure my conscience would 
kick in. What should I do?—C.T.. Los 
Angeles, California 

You don't have to have a sick wife to want 
10 get royally laid. This is a common problem 
with couples where one partner has a chron- 
ic illness—the healthy spouse often feels more 
like a caretaker than a lover But who says 
your wife doesn’t want to be intimate? Buy a 
vibrator to stimulate her and allow her to 
stimulate you. Seduce her in the morning 
when she’s likely to be most energetic. Touch 
and be touched. Watch an adult movie or 
read erotica together. Even lying in bed 
naked and stroking each other can be satisfy- 
ing. Intercourse may not be possible, but 
there’s more than one way to have wild sex. 


Have you ever heard of anyone having 


38 ahand fetish? I asked my girlfriend what 


first attracted her to me, and she said 
she loved my hands. Js she pulling my 
leg?—H.G., Baltimore, Maryland 

Every woman will develop a hand fetish if 
her lover uses his digits wisely. Lisa Carver, 
editor of the zine "Rollerderby" ($3 from PO. 
Box 474, Dover, New Hampshire 03821), 
once interviewed a hard-core hand lover 
about what turns her on. “The thumb is very 
important,” she explained. “It represents 
strength. My father has great hands—they're 
honest. The puffy part of his thumb is big. 
That indicates kindness. Anyone with hands 
like his—especially older men—I'm drawn 
to. I trust them. I want to be safe under their 
hands. Another quality I look for is the han- 
dling of small things, like stereo knobs. I 
know he'll treat my nipples and clit the same 
way. If he’s subtle and articulate in how he 
adjusts the volume knob, then I’m his for the 
asking.” Don’t crank that dial, fellas, caress 
it. If your girlfriend says she adores your 
hands, cup every part of her body with them. 


In May you suggested to a reader that 
he and his wife be direct when inviting 
a female friend to join them for sex. 
My own experience demonstrates that 
frankness is the best way to turn a poten- 
tial ménage à trois into reality. While 
working out at the fitness center, my girl- 
friend and I meta great woman. She was 
not only beautiful but also had a flawless 
body that was equal parts muscle and 
curve. A flirtatious friendship ensued, 
and after weeks of suggestive talk my 
girlfriend and I decided to propose a 
threesome. My girlfriend made the first 
move by asking our new friend if she'd 
enjoy sharing a candlelit bubble bath 
with us (we have a wide sunken spa in 
our master bedroom). We spent more 
than an hour talking, necking and pet- 
ting before moving into the bedroom. 
‘The women performed cunnilingus on 
each other while I watched, and then 
each took turns riding my cock. After- 
ward we treated one another to sensual 
full-body massages, which eventually led 
to three-way oral sex. It was the most 
erotic lovemaking any of us had experi- 
enced, and it might never have hap- 
pened if my girlfriend hadn't been di- 
rect—W.A., Detroit, Michigan 

Told you so, although we still hem and 
haw asking the fourth, fifth and sixth wom- 
an lo join us. 


Е enjoyed the response last month to the 
question about the sexual position called 
the Chuukese hammer. Have you ever 
heard of a variation called gichigich, in- 
vented by the Yapese?—R.R., Berkeley, 
California 

Who hasn't? Gichigich is essentially the 
same position. The woman sits on the man’s 
lap, facing him, and he inserts his erection 
between her outer labia. He then moves the 
head of his penis up and down and sideways, 
varying the speed and direction. Eventually 
this stimulation makes the woman “frenzied, 


weak and helpless,” writes anthropologist 
Edgar Gregersen, working from field notes 
recorded near the turn of the century. “The 
woman experiences one orgasm after anoth- 
er and involuntarily urinates a little after 
each orgasm (the sensation for the man is 
that he is on fire)." The position is supposed- 
ly practiced only by single men and women; 
married Yapese fear it could leave them un- 
able to work the next day. 


M, girlfriends have never been big 
PLAYBOY fans (one almost cried when I 
pointed out where her collection of Cyn- 
thia Heimel books originated). When my 
new lover began reciting all the “facts” 
about rtAYBOY that only come from peo- 
ple who have never opened the maga- 
zine, I pulled a random issue from my 
collection and we read together. Later 
we had sex, but her mind seemed else- 
where. She said she shared a problem 
with a woman who had written to the 
Advisor: She experienced orgasm only 
through masturbation. In addition, her 
method to masturbate was to roll over 
on her fist and press her hips down, a 
position that made it hard for me to be 
involved. We tried several positions to 
create the pressure she needed but wit 
no success. That weekend, while I was ly- 
ing on the floor watching television, my 
girlfriend lay on top of me and started to 
hump me. Just when I was about to roll 
over to kiss her, she discovered my tail- 
bone or, as we now call it, “my other 
coc(cyx)." The sound of my girlfriend 
reaching orgasm on my back was more 
than I could handle. Suffice it to say, our 
sex life improved tremendously. After a 
few weeks learning to feel comfortable 
teaching orgasm in my presence, my 
girlfriend had her first orgasm through 
intercourse. And then her second and 
third. We would both like to thank you 
Even years after you gave your advice, 
it helped improve our sex life.—E.S., 
Playa Del Rey, California 

You're welcome. We've always invited our 
readers to come on back any lime, but your 
girlfriend was the first to take it literally. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing problems, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad- 
visor @playboy.com (because of volume, we 
cannot respond to all e-mail inquiries). Look 
for responses to our most frequently asked 
questions at www.playboy.com/fag, and 
check out the Advisor's latest collection of sex 
tricks, “365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life” 
(Plume), available in bookstores or by phon- 
ing 800-423-9494. 


TNE 


"Love must be what you 
feel when you like something 
as much as you like your 
Harley-Davidson.” 

—A hecheard among bikers 
There's devotion, and 
then there's whatever you 
call what ¿ets inside the 


BOOK OF 


their relatives can only 
shake their heads and sigh. 
Bricklayers, secretaries, 
truck drivers, doctors, bar 
bers, machinists, you name 
it. It happens to all kinds. 
owhatis itabout Harley- 
Davidson that a single, 


ЕЗБЕ EY 


Andas with every 
Harley-Davidson, you'll 
notice the carefully crafted 
detail is centered around 
the brawny lines ofa 
Harley-Davidson V-twin ~ 
a motor that embodies the 


spirit of motorcycling 


2 ОТАР Ө ОМ 


inj, beneath you on one of 
the country's highways. 

Maybe yourhead would 
fill with thoughts of chrome. 
Maybe you'd throw a pair 
of jeans anda clean shirt 
or two into your saddle- 


bags and never come back. 


Cheers: THE HOPELESSLY ADDICTED. 


heart of the Harley-Davidson 
rider. Momshould be so 
well-loved as the average 
Harley-Davidson motor- 
cycle. The United States 
Marine Corps should 
inspire such loyalty. 

You will see them out 
there in the wind. 

Thepreacher whoroams 
the country on a Sportster® 
with an angel painted on 
the fuel tank. 

The man who spent 13 
years tracking, down every 
single partto build a 1958 
Panhead because he came 
across one in a photo. 

The retired couple 
who've shown up at the 
Black Hills Motorcycle 
Rally in Sturgis, South 
Dakota every August for 
the past 43 years. 

Thereare thousands 
out there. Some so far ¿one 


One rider commemoroled 
every Hurley he owned with a tattoo. 
B bikes. Only 2 minor infections. 


you. Sign up for a Motorcycle Safety Foundation 


momentary encounter can 
make people just drop 
everything else for riding? 
Itstarts with the 
machine. When you're on 
a Harley, you're connected 
to something far bigger 
than this year's model. 
Check out the Fat Boy” 
above. Thereis history here. 
In the chrome horseshoe oil 
tank, wide handlebar 
and floorboards and leather 
detailing. In the winged 


emblem on the tank. 


¡der course (for info call 1-800-447-4700) Ride with 


better than any other engine 
ever built. 

It's understandable why 
a rider would lose larğe 
chunks of lifetime just eye- 
balling his Harley's lines. 

Owning, such a machine 
isa feeling like nothing 
else. Theonly better 
one we can think of comes 
from riding it. 

aybe you, too, would 

M test H-D positive if 
you ever Bot a taste of a 
Harley-Davidson thunder- 


Maybe you'd end up 


commemorating, your own 
Harley Davidson motor- 
cycle with a fresh tattoo. 

Maybe. But if you 
never Bo, how will you 
ever find out? Call 
1-800-443-2153 or visit 
www-harley-davidson.com 
for your local dealer. 


THE LEGEND ROLLS ONT 


Your eedliphson and эме ош for the other person, Always 
Proper eyewear and appropriate clothing. Insist your passenper does too. Protect your privileB to ride by joining the Americnn Motorcycle Association. ©1997 HD. 


PLAYBOY 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


TAKING IT ON FAITH. 

In 1962 the Supreme Court ruled 
that organized prayer in public 
schools violated the Constitution. A 
year later the high court banned de- 
votional Bible reading in the schools. 
William Murray, plaintiff in that his- 
toric case (his mother was atheist 
Madalyn Murray O'Hair), subse- 
quently became an evangelist. In 
hearings held before Congress in 
1980, he told legislators: “If it were 
within my personal power to help re- 
turn this nation to its rightful place by 
placing God back in the classroom, I 
would do so.” 

William Bright, ıhe 
founder of the Campus 
Crusade for Christ, was 
even more adamant. He 
feared for the nation, cit- 
ing “the plagues which 
followed the court's de- 
cision banning school 
prayer included the as- 
sassinations of President 
Kennedy, Senator Robert 
E Kennedy and the Rev- 
erend Dr. Martin Luther 
King Jr, acceleration of 
the Vietnam war, escala- 
tion of crime, disintegra- 
tion of families, racial con- 
flict, teenage pregnancies 
and venereal disease.” 

Pat Robertson, found- 
er of the Christian Co- 
alition, also resorted to 
old scripts of paranoia 
and persecution. In his 
book The Turning Tide, he 
charged that “for more than 30 years, 
liberals have forbidden little children 
to pray in schools.” He invoked im- 
ages of “the vendetta against religious 
values” that was being conducted by 
“liberal predators.” 

Not one to mince words or avoid 
overworking a metaphor, Robertson 
claimed in an article entitled “Re- 
ligion in the Classroom” that the 
Supreme Court decision amounted 
to “a rape of our nation’s religious 
heritage, a rape of our national mo- 
rality, a rape of time-honored cus- 
toms and institutions.” 

Rhetoric and tales of divine ven- 


geance are familiar tools of the pulpit. 
But preachers such as Robertson no 
longer stop there. Increasingly he (or 
‘one of his Christian Coalition clones) 
tries to bolster his crusade with the 
trappings of science. The true believ- 
ers pull out charts and graphs to cite 
the numbers. Since the Supreme 
Court “pronounced the final amen to 
school prayer,” writes Nita Weis in 
her book Raising Achievers, “violent 
crime has increased from 16.1 per 
10,000 people to 75.8, and the illegit- 


imacy rate has soared from 5.3 per- 
cent to 28 percent.” 

Heads nod in agreement: The Su- 
preme Court banned prayer in the 
Sixties. Crime rose in the Sixties. Er- 
go, the prohibition of state-sponsored 
prayer caused the increase in crime. 

If you accept this, you must accept, 
as Robertson argues, that the restora- 


тиши 


tion of school ргауег would reduce 
crime. The congregation nods again. 
Children who pray together won't 
prey together. You don't have to be an 
atheist or an agnostic to question this 
assertion. All you need are basic rea- 
soning skills and an understanding of 
coincidence versus causation: Unre- 
lated events often occur sequentially. 
In 1962 the world watched John 
Glenn orbit the earth in a Mercury 
capsule and Johnny Carson debut as 
the host of The Tonight Show. My Fair 
Lady closed on Broadway after 2717 
performances. We could just as well 
blame crime on the space 
program. Instead of forc- 
ing children to pray, we 
should abolish NASA and 
late-night television. Or 
we might demand the re- 
turn of Professor Higgins 
to the Great White Way. 
Even if we accept that 
prayer represents a pow- 
erful moral force, we 
are tempted to demand 
a more rigorous test. 
Claiming to stop a hurri- 
cane through prayer is 
fine for the revival-tent 
crowd, but how strong is 
the correlation between 
lack of prayer and crime? 
One critic, for example, 
pointed out that Robert- 
son presumes that before 
7) 1962 all children prayed 
i in school. Actually, only 
© about half of U.S. schools 
had official prayer. A sci- 
entist might try to isolate one variable 
by comparing crime rates in school 
districts that had prayer with those 
that did not. Or, taking another ap- 
proach, he might examine school sys- 
tems unaffected by the Supreme 
Court decision. Catholic schools have 
continucd to include praycr in their 
daily curricula. Are we to believe that 
no graduate of nun-assisted educa- 
tion has committed a crime or had 
a child out of wedlock? Has crime 
among Catholics increased over the 
past few decades? 
There is nothing mathematical 
or scientific about Robertson's link 


4l 


between increased crime and the end 
of school prayer. You have to take it on 
faith, and many who believe in the 
virtue of prayer probably do. Faith, not 
reason, is the engine of pseudoscience. 

Religious faith is not necessarily in- 
imical to science. Isaac Newton was a 
devout Christian who took the Bible lit- 
erally. According to one poll, some 95 
percent of Americans say they believe 
in God. It's unlikely that all scientists 
are included in the unbelieving five 
percent. But religious faith needs to be 
contained in the realm of the unknow- 
able. It is an inappropriate basis for un- 
derstanding the material world. The 
will to believe, regardless of evidence, 
which underlies the sense that God ex- 
ists, can undermine efforts to compre- 
hend mundane realities. 

"The irony is that real science pro- 
ceeds from a posture of uncertainty. 
The accumulation of scientific knowl- 
edge is painstaking, requiring the test- 
ing of theories, the duplication of ex- 
periments and a willingness to admit 
mistakes. Science posits hypotheses 
and tests them. Pseudoscience 
states conclusions and looks for ev- 
idence to back them up. If you 
force pseudoscientists to concede 
that their research is flawed, they 
will persist in their beliefs. You can 
tell when people are relying on 
junk sdence: They're not really 
committed to it at all. 


T 


MYTH OF CRACK BABIES 

We sometimes aspire to be a ra- 
tional society, and quite often we 
put our faith in experts. We are 
just as likely to be led astray by the 
passions of scientists as we are by 
the politics of preachers. 

Consider the widely held belief 
of the late Fighties that children 
born to women who used crack suf- 
fered severe, permanent emotional 
and mental disabilities. 

In 1985 Dr. Ira Chasnoff, a Chicago 
pediatrician and director ofa program 
for drug-addicted mothers at North- 
western University, observed a group 
of babies born to 23 crack users. Dr. 
Chasnoff thought he detected a tragic 
syndrome. He declared: "These babies 
can't focus on a human face or respond 
to a human voice." They exhibited 
“gaze aversion,” turning away from 
people observing them. 

The press quickly spread Chasnoff’s 
sensational story. We learned that 
“crack babies” showed some symptoms 
associated with autism: lethargy, lack of 
emotion and inability to form attach- 
ments to caretakers. Other reports de- 
scribed them, conversely, as jittery, agi- 


tated and beset with tremors. 

Articles about such infants became 
increasingly apocalyptic: Crack babies 
were monsters, born mad. They would 
be practically uneducable and unem- 
ployable. According to Coryl Jones, a 
research psychologist at the National 
Institute of Drug Abuse, prenatal ex- 
posure to crack was apparently “inter- 
fering with the central core of what it is 
to be human.” University of California 
pediatrician Dr. Judith Howard opined 
that prenatal exposure to crack “wiped 
out” the part of the brain that “makes 
us human beings capable of discussion 
or reflection.” Conservative commen- 
tator Charles Krauthamer predicted 
that crack babies would form a new 
“bio-underclass,” doomed to “a life of 
certain suffering, of probable deviance, 
of permanent inferiority.” 

There was, however, relatively little 
evidence of such dire claims. The myth 
of the crack baby was not simply per- 
petuated by journalists who misrepre- 


sented research; the research commu- 
nity was itself blinded by bias. Journals 
ignored articles—based on sound sci- 
entific studies—that showed maternal 
crack use had no effect on children’s 
behavior. 

Claire Coles, professor of psychiatry 
at Emory University, was one of the 
first scientists to criticize the crack baby 
stories. All Coles did was ask the prop- 
er scientific questions. Was crack the 
only variable distinguishing these ba- 
bies from a control population? Were 
the so-called symptoms of tragedy real- 
ly unique to crack babies, or did they 
describe normal infant behavior? 

Generally, the researchers who “dis- 
covered" crack babies didn't separate 
the effects of prenatal crack from the 


effects of excessive prenatal exposure 
to alcohol, tobacco or other drugs. Nor 
did they account for poverty, which 
many of these children shared. Coles 
found that some babies labeled crack 
babies were merely colicky. Others 
were the victims of gross neglect. One 
baby—labeled a victim of crack—was 
being raised by her five-year-old sister. 
Another so-called crack baby had trou- 
ble concentrating in school because of 
persistent hunger, not drug damage. 
Perceived developmental problems 
were blamed on cocaine by people in- 
clined to assume the devastating effects 
of cocaine on the fetus, just as crime is 
blamed on the absence of school prayer 
by people who assume that prayer 
makes children behave. 

Bad science about the effects of pre- 
natal drug exposure led to bad policy, 
as well as to the inappropriate treat- 
ment of infants presumed afflicted. 
Crack babies were supposed to be 
tightly swaddled, kept in dark places 
and shielded from eye contact with 
their caretakers. We can only speculate 
about the effects of such treatment 
on essentially normal children ea- 
ger for stimulation and human 
contact. 

The effects of the crack baby 
propaganda on national drug pol- 
icy, as well as on race relations, 
were easier to discern. The myth 
of the crack baby played to racist 
anxieties about a presumptively 
sociopathic African American un- 
derclass. It helped antivice cru- 
saders demonize drug use, justify 
the futile war against drugs and 
ignore the poverty that afflicted 
more children than prenatal expo- 
sure to crack. 

By 1992 even Chasnoff, now 
head of the National Association 
for Perinatal Addiction Research, re- 
considered his creation. He tracked 
300 children prenatally exposed to 
crack and found that their IQs were 
the same as those of unexposed chil- 
dren raised in the same environment. 
“Poverty,” said Chasnoff, “is the worst 
thing that can happen toa child.” 

You can’t throw someone into jail for 
being poor, or cure their children by 
keeping them in dark places. 

The crack baby scare wasn't science; 
it was, in part, politics, which lacks the 
precision and objectivity offered by sci- 
ence. Political decisions are bound to 
be, at best, somewhat arbitrary. This is 
not to suggest that advocates knowing- 
ly perpetuated myths about drug-af- 
flicted infants. They probably acted in 
good faith, but they perpetuated bad 
science and bad policy. 


LLL TRIAL BY ANECDOTE 1 


Earlier this year, the Independent 
Women's Forum sponsored a confer- 
ence in Washington, D.C. to explore 
"women's health, law and the junking 
of science." 

The organizers were concerned 
that lawyers were using dubious 
claims to win huge settlements from 
the manufacturers of contraceptive 
sponges, pills for morning sickness 
and other medical products. The 
conference weighed the value of emo- 
tional evidence (anecdotes) against 
objective evidence (long-term stud- 
ies), focusing on the controversy sur- 
rounding breast implants. 

The chronology of the breast-im- 
plant panic is well known. On Decem- 
ber 10, 1990 five women appeared on 
Face to Face With Connie Chung to claim 
that they had become seriously ill— 
and that their illnesses had been 
caused by the silicone gel in their 
breast implants. 

Doctors hired by lawyers told re- 

rters that breast implants caused 
lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, poly- 
myalgia and scleroderma. In each of 
these diseases, the body's immune 
system turns against itself. The wom- 
en interviewed by Chung, as well as 
other women who showed up on talk 
shows, complained of fatigue and 
damaged joints and skin. Their list of 
ailments grew to include colds, sinus 
infections, rashes, sore throats and 
bladder infections. The so-called ex- 
perts explained the link: Silicone that 
had leaked from the implants trig- 
gered the immune response. This 
theory was unsupported by any ob- 
jective evidence. Millions of women 
with breast implants had none of 
these symptoms. 

In 1991 a California jury awarded 
$7.3 million to a plaintiff who had 
blamed her misery on the manufac- 
turer of her implants, Dow Corning. 
At the trial several expert witnesses 
offered educated guesses about the 
cause of her suffering. One witness 
had authored an article on silicone 
and autoimmune disease for Medical 
Hypotheses in which he posited a link. 
But a hypothesis is not a fact. 

The jury ignored testimony from 
one of the woman's own doctors, who 
said he believed the woman had 
symptoms of autoimmune disease be- 
fore she had implants. They also re- 
viewed Dow Corning memos, includ- 
ingone which suggested that in order 
to conceal the oiliness of the implants, 


its salesmen should wash samples be- 
fore showing them to doctors. Jurors 
found Dow Corning guilty of fraud 
and malice in the marketing of the 
implants. 

In 1992 Dr. David Kessler, head of 
the Food and Drug Administration, 
banned silicone-gel breast implants, 
saying they were never proved safe. 

The frenzy began. According to 
Marcia Angell, executive editor of The 
New England Journal of Medicine and 
author of the book Science on Trial, 
more than 1000 lawyers filed more 
than 16,000 lawsuits on behalf of 
women with breast implants. Lawyers 
recruited clients and then sent them 
to have their implants removed. 

There are between 1 million and 
2 million women in the U.S. who 
have had breast implants. And, as re- 
cently as 1990, some 90 percent had 
expressed pleasure at the results. In 


We may find ourselves 
without reliable 
contraceptives—simply 
because junk science 
will have driven 
manufacturers 
bankrupt. 


the space of a few months, such plea- 
sure turned to panic. 

In April 1994 the major manufac- 
turers of implants agreed to settle a 
class-action lawsuit by paying $4.25 
billion to women with breast implants 
who showed any suspected symp- 
toms. A year later, almost half a mil- 
lion women registered to collect 
awards based on the type and degree 
of their suffering. The lawyers pock- 
eted the first $1 billion. 

Unfortunately, science does not 
support the finding of harm. Angell 
describes a study published two years 
after silicone-gel breast implants were 
taken off the market and two months 
after the class-action suit was settled: 
“Mayo Clinic researchers compared a 
group of 749 women who had re- 


ceived breast implants between 1964 
and 199] with 1498 of their neigh- 
bors matched for age. The re- 
searchers found that the implant 
group was no more likely to develop 
connective tissue disease (or related 
symptoms and abnormal tests) than 
the group without the implants.” 

In June 1995 The New England 
Journal of Medicine published a study 
involving almost 90,000 nurses with 
similar results. Two other studies sev- 
ered the link between implants and 
scleroderma. 

And subsequent investigation has 
shown that Dow Corning and others 
did not hide damaging studies. Stud- 
ies that had allegedly been tossed out 
were duplicated by other studies. 
These led the FDA to conclude even- 
tually that “thers was not enough evi- 
dence to establish a cause-and-effect 
relationship between gel-filled breast. 
implants and immune-rclated or con- 
nective tissue disorders.” If no cause- 
and-effect was found, what is the basis 
for the settlement? 

The lawyers whose greed and ini- 
tiative launched this judicial sideshow 
have moved on to other targets: men 
who have had silicone penile im- 
plants and Norplant users who say 
the birth-control device causes con- 
nective tissue disease. We may some- 
day find ourselves without reliable 
contraceptives—simply because junk 
science will have driven manufactur- 
ers bankrupt. 

Researchers focusing on women 
with breast implants found that these 
women exhibited a host of behaviors 
that could increase the risk of illness. 
‘They tended to drink more, get preg- 
nant at a younger age, have more 
abortions, be on the pill longer, have 
more sex partners and use hair dye 
more frequently than those without 
implants. Unfortunately, you can't 
sue yourself. 

In 1996 an Oregon judge hearing 
breast implant cases that involved 70 
women excluded testimony from ex- 
perts with theories unsupported by 
research. The judge would act as a 
gatekeeper, screening out testimony 
that was not supported by hard sci- 
ence. Not surprisingly, the Oregon 
judge's panel of four independent ex- 
perts found no compelling evidence 
linking silicone leakage with immune 
disorders. This policy may slow down 
justice, but it would do much to pre- 
vent injustice. —JAMES R. PETERSEN 


43 


44 


PUFF AND STUFF 

Dr. Lester Grinspoon and 
James Bakalar suggest in 
"Smoke Screen” (The Playboy Fo- 
rum, June) that marijuana is an 
innocuous recreational drug 
that should be embraced as a 
medicine and household reme- 
dy. As usual, they tell only part. 
ofthe story. 

Crude marijuana is unreli- 
able in its absorption, and the 
dose delivered is unpredict- 
able. The major active ingredi- 
ent, THC, is already available 
as the oral prescription medica- 
tion Marinol. If the oral deliv- 
ery route is not useful for some 
people, it could be reformulat- 
€d as a suppository or inhaler. 
The more important issue is 
that numerous safe and effec- 
tive medications preclude the 
need for marijuana or pure 
THC. Suggesting that marijua- 
na be smoked as a medicine 
would be like proposing tobac- 
co use for anxiety or weight 
control, or smoking foxglove to 
treat heart disease. 

Used acutely, marijuana 


FOR THE RECORD 


DON'T KNOCK IT 


“You're asking me about people who hold 
kooky beliefs. You're talking to someone who be- 
lieves that a 30-year-old day laborer who was ex- 
ecuted 2000 years ago for disturbing the peace 
in a country that no longer exists happens to be 
the due to the meaning of the universe.” 
—]j. GORDON MELTON, DIRECTOR OF THE INSTI- 
TUTE FOR THE STUDY OF AMERICAN RELIGION, IN 
ASt. Petersburg Times INTERVIEW ON RELIGIOUS 


Institutes of Health reviewed 
the issue and determined in 
1993 that crude marijuana 
adds nothing to currently avail- 
able medicine and indeed cre- 
ates increased risk to patients. 
The NIH is in the process of 
further review. 

"The American Medical Asso- 
ciation considered the issue of 
smoking marijuana as medi- 
cine. It determined that smok- 
ing is not an appropriate route 
of administration for a medi- 
cine. Last, the American Can- 
cer Society does not recognize 
crude marijuana as a medicine. 
In studies conducted on the is- 
sue, THC in any form is a last 
choicc of oncologists. 

Ina recently published study 
of 1500 oncologists that I co- 
authored with Dr. Richard 
Schwartz, only 12 percent of 
the respondents had ever rec- 
ommended marijuana to pa- 
tients, and only nine percent 
said they would recommend 
marijuana to patients more 
than ten times annually if it be- 
came available as a medicine for 


causes changes in memory, co- 
ordination and concentration. 
Its use is associated with vehic- 
ular accidents and trauma as well as 
with 30 percent to 60 percent of nonal- 
cohol DUI offenses. It has caused toxic 
side effects in around 25 percent of all 
studies in which marijuana or pure 
THC have been used. Chronic use 
such as that necessary for treating glau- 
coma, multiple sclerosis or chronic 
pain is associated with respiratory 
damage and higher carbon-monoxide 
and tar levels than tobacco use. It is as- 
sociated with head and neck cancers, 
bronchitis and chronic cough, abnor- 
malities in Jung immunity and precan- 
cerous changes. It has been recently 
shown that marijuana causes difficulty 
with executive functioning (a form of 
Prioritization of problems) and persis- 
tent memory defects even after mari- 
juana use ceases. Marijuana is also ad- 
dictive. Ask chronic users of marijuana 
to cite the longest time they have been 
off the drug, and the answer is usually 
only days or weeks out of years of use. 
Numerous contaminants have been 
identified in marijuana smoke, making 
its use by patients with immunosup- 
pressed cancer or AIDS very risky. Mari- 


GROUPSAND THE MYSTERY OF FAITH 


juana decreases both male and female 
sex hormones. The effects on the un- 
born include decreased birth weight 
and length, neurologic irritability and 
birth defects. Recent evidence has dem- 
onstrated behavioral abnormalities, 
learning difficulties and sleep distur- 
bances in three- and four-year-olds af- 
ter prenatal exposure. 

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 
District of Columbia considered the is- 
sue of making crude marijuana avail- 
able as a medicine. The court soundly 
struck down the notion, saying that 
marijuana in its crude form does not 
meet the criteria to be considered a 
medicine, and it further dispelled the 
allegation that the administrator of the 
Drug Enforcement Administration vio- 
lated statute or was biased in his deci- 
sion. In addition to a thorough discus- 
sion of the evidence, the court stated, 
“The administrator reasonably accord- 
ed more weight to the opinions of the 
experts than to the laymen and doctors 
on which the petitioners relied,” which 
included Dr. Grinspoon. 

On the medical front, the National 


prescription. 

An inescapable fact is that the 
medical marijuana movement 
is driven by those who seek to legalize 
marijuana for their own use or profit. 
Unfortunately, they have recruited 
well-meaning but poorly informed 
supporters for their cause. 

The voters of California and Arizona 
were sold a bill of goods with proposi- 
tions 215 and 200. While thinking they 
were expressing compassion for the 
sick and suffering by allowing access to 
marijuana and other illegal drugs, they 
in fact were pawns in a game of legal- 
ization and media hype financed to the 
tune of several million dollars by indi- 
viduals or organizations seeking to le- 
galize marijuana and other drugs. The 
organizer of the San Francisco Can- 
nabis Buyers Club admits that he con- 
siders all marijuana use medicinal. 

Practically speaking, how would le- 
gal medicinal marijuana work? Would 
all street pot be considered medicinal? 
If so, there would be no way to stan- 
dardize the drug or ensure even a 
modicum of purity. Would the govern- 
ment provide pot? And if so, at what 
strength? Would the patient or the gov- 
ernment carry the cost? As taxpayers, 


we should also be incensed that a fed- 
eral program continues to provide 
smokable marijuana to only eight pa- 
tients and costs $200,000 annually 
($25,000 per patient) to administer. Is 
that fair to the millions of other med- 
ical patients who carry the full cost of 
legitimate medicine? The pro-marijua- 
na lobby would seek to extend legal 
protection to those who sell marijuana 
supposedly for medicinal purposes. 
We must have compassion for the 

sick and suffering, and we must offer 
them reliable and quality medicine, not. 
crude substances that threaten their 
well-being. Crude marijuana is not 
medicine. 

Dr. Eric Voth 

Chairman 

International Drug Strategy 

Institute 
"Topeka, Kansas 


Grinspoon and Bakalar provide a 
thorough account of the complexities 
involved in trying to investigate the 


medicinal uses of marijuana. Having 
been caught in a maze for the past four 
years, I agree that the government 
would be better off spending mon- 
ey that supports clinical trials rather 
than reviewing the collected literature. 
When it comes to the use of т; 
by people who are HIV-positive, in 
fact, no data exist to review. 

Those of us who care for HIV pa- 
tients who smoke marijuana—particu- 
larly for appetite stimulation and anti- 
nausea effects—have long wanted to 
investigate the benefits of this treat- 
ment. Considering the conflicting evi- 
dence on the immunologic impact of 
marijuana, we felt a need to determine 
just how smoking affects immune func- 
tion in patients with HIV. What hap- 
pens to the amount of virus in the 
blood following marijuana smoking? 
Do these patients really gain weight? 
These questions need answers. 

The passage of Proposition 215 in 
California made it even more urgent 
that we begin to answer these impor- 


tant questions. Unfortunately, Propo- 
sition 215 does not provide us with 
access to a legal source of marijuana 
to study. That needs to come from 
the federal government. We have once 
again submitted a proposal to study 
these questions. In the meantime our 
patients have no problem obtaining 
marijuana for medicinal use, but the 
medical profession remains ignorant of 
its risks and benefits. 

Dr. Donald Abrams 

Professor of Medicine 

University of California-San 

Francisco 
San Francisco, California 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime phone number. Fax number: 312- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com 
(please include your city and state). 


ssp" a a LL LLL LLG 


It may be the worst example 
Of public officials sending the 
wrong message since George Bush threw 
up on the prime minister of Japan. I refer 
to the growing tendency of American jail- 
ers at both the state and local levels to 
charge inmates for room and board. 

This policy is in place at correctional fa- 
cilities throughout the U.S., with more 
legislatures taking the notion under ad- 
visement every week. The going rates are 
in the $40-to-$70-per-day range, depend- 
ing, presumably, on the quality of the ac- 
commodations, amenities and view. 

Considering that 50 bucks will get you a 
private room plus free soap, shampoo and 
unlimited ice at the average Travelodge, 
this fee scale seems presumptuous. But 
then, commercial accommodations don't 
throw in that hearty prison food, those 
convivial madc-for-nctworking showers 
and the impeccable dental care our penal 
institutions are known for. 

Maybe this pay-as-you-go-nowhere 
gambit makes sense in the case of well- 
heeled embezzlers, pyramid scammers, 
ex-congressmen or Dallas Cowboys, but 
what happens when you present the tab to 
that junkie shoplifter whose former ad- 
dress was a Maytag crate? If a convict re- 
fuses to pony up, what exactly do you 


VILL 


FIVE TO TEN, VACANCY 


do? Kick him out? Extend his unpaid stay? 
Attach his wages? File a lien against his 
trust fund? 

Something about this tactic reeks of stu- 
pidity. And it's not just the room rates. It's 
also the cable TY, laundry service, weight- 
lifting equipment and other correctional 
amenities that blur the line between house 
of detention and cheap roadside motel. 

You have to wonder where the privati- 


zation-of-prisons movement is 
going to take us—to peniten- 
tiaries administered by credentialed pe- 
nologists, or “involuntary lodgings” run 
by Hyatt International? 

Consider the possibilities: nationwide 
chains of calabooses with names like 90 
Days Inn, Courtdate by Marriott, Motel 
6-to-10. Then there are the catchy market- 
ing slogans: 

"There's always a vacancy for you 
here.” 

“Don't say prisoner, say Inn Mate.” 

“Slamada Inn: Where we expect you to 
steal the towels.” 

The fallout is disturbing, to say the 
Teast, 

For openers, it conveys the notion that 
one can avail oneself of what amounts to 
$50-per-night quarters simply by break- 
ing a reasonably scrious law—not a bad 
trade-off in the eyes of a growing "chroni- 
cally indigent" demographic. And if you 
think prisoners are clogging the courts 
with nuisance litigation now, wait till you 
give them legal status as paying guests! 

"The lesson, apparently, is that stone 
walls do not a prison make, but rocks in 
the head may qualify you for a policy- 


Е making position in your state or local de- 
4 partment of corrections. 


P P. 


45 


“WHERE DO YOU 
READ PLAYBOY? 


“A longer version of Sam Jemieli- 
ty's. “Whipping It Out" appeared. - 
in New City, an alternative week; 
published. in Chicago, The article”. 
made the rounds of our office, 
spiring much laughter. but а150 
-raising-an, interesting question, Is: 
PLAYBOY Raf to be read ORE in 
private? $ 

.We.don't for a minute beli 
that reading the magazine ina cof- 
fee bar or. bookstore is.the. moral 
equivalent of fla 


What sort of man reads PLAYBOY in 
public? 
* Aman who doesn't care if women 
think he’s a pervert. 
* A man who shrugs off the giddy 
mockery of teenagers. 
© A man who feels no compunction 
at offending the moral conscience of 
passersby. 
* Aman from whom mothers usher 
away their children, who meets the 
glare of protective husbands with cold 
confidence. 
But the Lord doesn't make men like 
that anymore. PLAYBOY is meant to be 
read in private. No man dared break 
that unspoken law. Until now. 
You could argue that PLAYBOY doesn't. 
appear in public because Americans 
don't read much of anything 
anymore. On a bus or at a 
café, you might see a few 
newspapers or the latest John 
Grisham novel. But PLAYBOY's 
circulation of 3.2 million puts 
it on a par with People and 
Newsweek and dwarfs the cir- 
culations of such men’s mag- 
azines as GQ, Details and 
Esquire. Who hasn't seen 
someone reading those 
magazines? 

It's not just to prevent 
theft that PLAYBOY subscribers re- 
ceive the magazine wrapped in black 
plastic. Northwestern University's 
Charles Whitaker, professor of maga- 
zine journalism at the Medill School of 
Journalism, notes that “there's a con- 
siderable stigma attached to reading 
PLAYBOY. It’s still viewed as a girlie mag- 
azine, a magazine of titillation and sa- 
lacious material." A young woman of 
my acquaintance puts it more blunt- 
ly: “You'd never see someone read 
‘| PLAYBOY for almost the same reason 
you'd never see someone masturbate. 
You know it goes on, but you don't 
see it." 

What would happen, I wondered, if 
I simply carried PLAYBOY around like 
any other magazine? Not that I see my- 
self as some pro-porn Rambo slaying 
the puritan hordes, or a sleek James 
Bond battling the specter of antiporn 
villains. I'm more the reluctant adven- 
turer; I will set aside concerns of per- 
sonal taste, safety and potential embar- 
rassment in a quest for the naked truth. 


play of erection.”) ‘We Lars think. 

of our readers as antisocial, Dir 

ing: one Seinfeld: episode, when 

George ‚came ‘out ás” a PLAYRÓY 

reader, it did not make headlines.” 
Jemielity’s. experiment met with: 

little “outrage. and just, the usual 

ainount-of Kypderisy. Does-that 

mean ‘PLAYBOY has become so’. 

mainstreany thatit 

is no longer cónsid- 

ered rebeHious to 

be seen’ reading it? 

We hope not. Ifa time- 

come: when” we're 


read what he or she 
wants. But ‘where? Naf. 
towing that: freedom? to,’ 
your favorite seas) ‘chair is li 
(One man’s. privacy is another 
.)- We-knosv some peo- 
| ple. read the magazine. at work 
(firefighters in Los” Angeles Coun- 
ty fought forand won the tighi 
keep PLAYBOY im their firehonses). | 
"we applanded when one.reader, 
told bya waitress: to put away his 
favorite magazine, organized a. 
xead-in at Bette’s Ocean View Dir: 
êr in Berkeley, ; 3 
Jemielity, however, went.out of 
his way to provoke: comment, 
something we've never. asked of. 
our readers. Yet the question he 
raises is fascinating his article: 
assumes, that. reading. PLAYBOY 
means something. What do you 
think? Do, you take, the magazine’ 
on an aif planê? Do you keep it. 
folded, over, on. your commute 
home? If you don’t read PLAYBOY in 
public, what's stopping you? 


_ WHIPPING IT OUT 


EN Уу ў taking playboy to the people- 
By SAM JEMIELITY 


My odyssey begins at a Barnes & No- 
ble in Chicago, where the porn section 
has been reduced to one well-thumbed 
Penthouse. 1 gamely lope to the informa- 
tion desk, not wanting to project the 
least reluctance about purchasing 
PLAYBOY. The pleasant if slightly book- 
ish clerk narrows her gaze. 

"I'm sorry to put you out,” I say. 

"It's just that I find it morally offen- 
sive,” she informs me (customer be 
damned!). The issue has sold out. She 
suggests I try another vendor. 

At Borders, the customer-service at- 
tendant, a cheerful woman, pulls a 
copy of the May issue from behind the 
counter. (“It gets stolen a lot.") Claudia 
Schiffer is on the cover. I fork over my 
cash—$4.95. The price of knowledge. 
She slips the issue inside a paper bag, 
though I didn’t ask for one. 

To accurately gauge responses to my 
public display of rLaysoy, I'll need to 
clean up my scruffy appearance. The 
first step is getting my shoes shined. I 
position myself in the chair. The man 
shining my shoes looks up, but he 
seems oblivious to the neon-pink 
PLAYBOY logo and Schiffer's come-hith- 
er look. Instead he scolds, “First time 
these have been shined, isn’t it? 
"They're sucking up lots of polish.” 

Chastened, I press on to the hairstyl- 
ist. As I settle into the chair, it crosses 
my mind that it might not be a good 
idea to offend a woman holding scis- 
sors near my head. And yet the stylist 
shows no reaction to the magazine 
plopped faceup in my lap on top of the 
plastic bib. She runs through the usual 
questions about my hair. I ask about 
her accent; she's from Puerto Rico, but 
is half Spanish. I mention the clerk at 
Barnes & Noble who found my reading 
material morally offensive. 

“I don't understand her,” she says, 
clipping away. "It's natural. In Spain, 
they have naked people on TV, even on 
programs kids watch.” Still, as I walk 
out, the woman can't resist a send-off: 
“Enjoy your magazine!” 

I'm ready to run the PLAYBOY gantlet. 
At a coffee shop, a cheery Australian 
barista sings along with the elevator 
music. I slap the PLAYBOY down on the 
counter, expecting a needle to scratch 
across the song in his heart. Instead, 
he grins broadly and booms, “Now, 
there's a schoolbook." 


I hop a crowded bus downtown. I 
decide to turn up the heat a notch and 
open to the Morrell Sisters pictorial. 
"Then I flash through the entre issue, 
displaying the cover prominently sev- 
eral times. I put my arm over the seat 
back and turn sideways. 

“The bus is slow," I say to the guy be- 
hind me. 

“It's always slow on weekends," he 
replies. We chat about the city, thc 
Bears, the Cubs. He doesn't seem in 
the least offended. 

А woman hops off near my stop, so I 
follow and ask if she noticed what I was 
reading. Nervously, she says no. She 
says that if she had seen me reading 
PLAYBOY, she would have thought I was 
a pervert. She's gone before I've fin- 
ished scribbling "perv" in my notebook. 

As T approach the periodicals desk at 
the Harold Washington Library, the 
third floor teems with kids researching 
papers and adults poring over newspa- 
pers. The library carries PLAYBOY and 
Playgirl. I ask for the April issue. 

À guy in a Neville Brothers 
hat and Martini & Rossi racing 
jacket looks up from his Chi- 
cago Sun-Times. "You get that 
PLAYBOY here?" he asks. 

“Yep,” I respond. Nearby, a 
skeptic says, "They don't have 
PLAYBOY at the library." That's 
a common misconception, but 
the periodicals attendant tells 
me that “nota day goes by that 
someone doesn't check out the 
magazine." The library has is- 
sues on microfilm dating back 
to the 1953 inaugural issue; 
only the past year's actual mag- 
azines are available. All I can 
find out about what happens 
to the year-old paper copies is that 
they're "discarded." Someone check 
under Mayor Daley's mattress! 

When I leave the library, the sun 
is shining, but it's cool. I zip my coat 
and head up State Street. At Marshall 
Field's, I stand by the display windows, 
the PLAYBOY cover turned strategically 
toward oncoming pedestrians. I pre- 
tend to be engrossed as passersby stare 
hard at my back. Two cops nearby 
seem not to care. High school kids 
point. Feeling exposed, I meld into the 
bustling crowd. At a stoplight, a large 
man holding his wife's hand looks sur- 
prised when he sees what I'm holding. 
His expression changes to rage. We're 
standing a foot apart. I cross against 
the light. 

‘The Michigan Avenue bridge is up, 
and people pool on Wacker Drive. I 
lean against the stone wall, my back to 
the river, and start reading a James 


Bond story. When I glance up, it's al- 
ways to a pair of hastily refocused eyes, 
looking over my shoulder toward the 
bridge. up in the air, down at the side- 
walk. Conversations grow louder, stut- 
ter, then continue in hushed tones. A 
kid scrambles up the wall to look at the 
river. "Let's go over here,” says his 
mother, "here" turning out to be far 
away from me. 

"The bridge doesn't budge, so I fol- 
low the herd over the Wabash Avenue 
bridge and back to North Michigan 
and pop into a Starbucks. Despite the 
shopping throngs crammed in for a 
cup of joe, no one confronts Mr. Public 
Indecency. 

Back outside, a man veers off his 
path. "Excuse me," he says, closing in 
quickly. I wonder, Christian Coalition 
or smut-bashing liberal? "Excuse mel" 
he repeats. 

"Yeah?" 1 say, tensing. 

He gestures at my coffee. “Isthere a 
Starbucks around here?" 

By now, the walk, the sun and a caf- 


feine buzz have transformed this clean- 
cut PLAYBOY reader into a twitching, 
red-eyed reject. I need a rest. So I spin 
through the doors into the bustling 
Crate & Barrel store, head up to the 
furniture department on the third 
floor and plant myself in a cozy Dunhill 
chair. I dig into the Saul Bellow inter- 
view. The weekend shoppers coming 
up the escalator—roughly the popula- 
tion of Indiana—get an eyeful of Clau- 
dia. Three women stop to inspect my 
chair, debating whether the slipcover is 
included in the price. Two college-age 
guys collapse on the other chairs in my 
makeshift living-room set. "That guy 
has a PLAYBOY," one whispers, nudging 
his buddy. His friend pretends to ex- 
amine the coffee table's centerpiece, 
then peers at the cover. A man with a 
baby smirks my way—is that envy, or 
scorn? I turn my attention back to the 
interview and wait for someone to 


o r о п u м 7/7 


come kick my smut-reading ass back 
onto the street. 

No one does. After half an hour, 
recharged, I head downstairs and wan- 
der over to a bookcase. From the half a 
dozen books used as props, I select 
Joan Collins’ tawdry novel Prime Time. 
“She had just finished her massage,” I 
read, intrigued. “Her skin felt taut and 
tingly. She always relaxed after Sven's 
hard Scandinavian fingers manipulat- 
ed her bony frame. A few years ago 
Sven's hard Scandinavian cock had ma- 
nipulated her, too." Crate & Barrel is 
more sex-friendly than I expected! 
(Second floor, the bookcase in the back 
right corner, next to the colorful throw 
pillows. Page 188.) 

On to Bloomingdale's. In one cor- 
ner, an elderly gentleman in a leath- 
er chair reads a book. Has he ever, in 
all his years, seen someone reading 
PLAYBOY in public? "Now that you men- 
tion it," he says, "I don't think I have." 
And what would he think of such a per- 
son if he did see him? "Well, if he were 
actually reading it . . ." he says. 
He has a Southern accent. 
"But most aren't reading it, 
are they? I would probably 
think he were a bit shallow." A 
40ish man concurs that he has 
never seen a public display of 
PLAYBOY, but says if he did 
he wouldn't be fazed. "Why 
would I? People might think 
it's not the thing to do in pub- 
lic, but I wouldn't care. I've 
never done it, but I would." 

It's time for a drink. I want 
to finish reading the Bellow in- 
terview, but a drunk guy starts 
bugging me and a fellow barfly 
for being sticks-in-the-mud. 

“Hey, look at this guy over here,” the 
boozer slurs to the lone wolf. "He's 
reading some art magazine.” 

"Art?" I snort, defiantly flipping to 
the cover. “Hardly.” 

“Boo-yaah!” yells the drunkard. 
“And you're just reading the articles, 
right?” Andrea Dworkin herself could 
not have sounded more dubious. 

“He is reading the articles,” says the 
lone wolf. 

“Well, screw that,” responds the 
drunk, grabbing the issue and flipping 
to the Morrell sisters. 

Suddenly, I'm feeling like Pee-wee 
Herman in that movie theater. But my 
day of being a social pariah is nearly at 
an end. Soon I'll be back perusing 
magazines in which the only nudity 
appears in fragrance ads. Shoulder- 
to-shoulder with the drunk, I scope out 
the Morrell clan one last time. 


Boo-yaah! indeed. 


48 


N E W 


Su ¿ES Е 


Oy ¿NAT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


PEYOTE POWER 


WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of 
Defense rewrote ils guidelines on drug use 
to allow members of the armed services who 
belong to the Native American Church to 


eal or smoke peyote during religious cere- 
monies. The new rules enable church mem- 
bers who enlist to answer “no” when asked 
if they have ever used drugs. Peyote is a 
cactus with hallucinogenic properties, but 
only small amounts are used in ceremonies. 


GODLY MANNERS 


ROME—A new etiquette guide for Cath- 
olics states that congregants should not 
wear miniskirts to church. “New Bad Man- 
ners” also condemns high heels, cutting in 
line for confession, making the sign of the 
cross too quickly, sticking gum under the 
pew and answering your cellular phone 
during Mass. 


DIRTY TOONS 


OKLAHOMA CITY—A group calling it- 
self the Center for a Family Friendly Inter- 
net has targeted Web sites that include par- 
ody images of Alice in Wonderland and 
Disney characters engaged in sexual activ- 
ities. The group sends an intimidating, 
quasi-legal notice to site owners that refers 
to child pornography and obscenity laws, 
then e-mails copies of the letter to the FBI 
and to local and federal sex crime investi- 
gators. (If the site actually had child porn, 
why would you tip off the pornographer?) 


At least two sites have closed, but the own- 
ers say the letter had nothing to do with 
their decisions. One offered personal rea- 
sons (he was receiving e-mail from kids) 
and the other said Disney had complained. 


ALITTLE RESPECT 


SAN FRANCISCO—The dancers at the 
Lusty Lady strip club formed a union and 
negotiated a pay increase to $25 an hour. 
They also demanded the removal of one- 
way mirrors that allowed customers to 
videotape the performances. “We are intel- 
ligent women doing a very hard job,” said 
one dancer. “We know how to fight for our 
rights.” 

ORLANDO— Ten dancers from the Club 
Juana Cocktail Lounge held a topless car 
wash and raised $3500 to fight breast 
cancer, but a research center and the Amer- 
ican Cancer Society refused the money. “It 
does not fit our ethical standards,” said a 
Spokesman for the research center. Tivo ra- 
diologists will use the funds to provide 
mammograms for uninsured women. 


REGISTRY FOLLIES 


MANHATTAN, KANSAS—The Kansas Bu- 
reau of Investigation mistakenly informed 
a man's neighbors that he was a sex of 
fender, prompting residents to harass him. 
‘A federal law requires states to track con- 
victed sex offenders. A sex offender had 
lived at the address but moved without 
telling authorities (imagine that). “All we 
can do is apologize,” an official said. 

PORT WASHINGTON, WISCONSIN—A ju- 
ту convicted an 18-year-old high school se- 
nior of the sexual assault of a child after he 
impregnated his 15-year-old girlfriend. 
Although he took responsibility as the fa- 
ther, asked the girl to marry him and got a 
full-time job to support the child, he faces 
prison and a lifetime branded as a sex of- 
fender on state and federal registries. 


PROMISES, PROMISES 


PHILADELPHIA—A federal judge upheld 
a company's right to monitor employee e- 
mail, even if its policies state that electron- 
ic communications are private. In 1994, a 
Pillsbury employee sent e-mail from home 
to his supervisor threatening to “kill the 
backstabbing bastards” in management. 
When the company fired him, he sued for 
wrongful termination. The court ruled 


that despite promises of privacy, Pillsbury 


had the right to monitor e-mail sent over its 


DID YOU SEE THAT? 


AMES, IOWA—Researchers are finding 
that eyewitnesses are often unreliable and 
easily influenced by police. A psychologist 
at Iowa State University asked 172 stu- 
dents to watch a holdup captured on video 
by a surveillance camera. He then asked 
each student to identify the suspect in a 
photo lineup. Although the criminal was 
not in the lineup, each student fingered 
someone. The researcher suggested to some 
of the eyewitnesses that they had made the 
right choice; that group expressed the high- 
est confidence in its selections. Another 
study found that eyewitnesses helped con- 
vict 24 of a sample of 28 people later ex- 
onerated by DNA evidence. 


EXCESS CHANNEL 


LOS ANGELES—Got a problem? The Re- 
covery Channel ts on the air. Beamed two 
hours a day to 11 million homes, the cable 
channel broadcasts three programs aimed 
at people addicted to alcohol, drugs, gam- 
bling, food, sex—you name it. “Full Cir- 
cle” features footage of support groups, 
“Testimony” consists of half-hour monologs 


and “Bottoms” asks addicts to describe the 
moment they hit rock bottom. Future pro- 
gramming includes “The Recomedy Spe- 
cial,” “The Recovery Game Show" and 
“This Old Halfway House.” What if 
you're addicted to bad television? 


appreciate quality enjo 


THE BUMPY GRAPEFRUIT 
Pour Seagram's Gin over ice 
in a highball glass. 


Fill with grapefruit juice. 


Garnish with lemon. 


THE 
E SMOOTH GIN IN THE BUMPY BOTTLE 


"09 0008401 'S T1 661» 


0006001 ssejeyouis S)! JO) Sajeiiye s1! 10°0D оооедО] "S (1 jo xieuepex a» 


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Hót Licks. 


Six Flavors, Two Cuts. A pinch is all it takes to get that great Skoal taste. 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN 


a candid conversation with the spookiest actor on film about why he gets all the weirdo 
parts, what really happened with natalie wood and his secret regimen to prevent baldness 


People who know him only from his films 
usually ask the same question: Is Christo- 
pher Walken really as weird as he seems? 
They're curious because (a) he looks other- 
worldly, (b) he speaks in a strange, clipped 
manner often parodied by comics, (¢) he spe- 
cializes in playing bad guys, often in espe- 
cially chilling and original ways, and (d) 
he's been around for as long as anybody can 
remember but has never quite gotten his due. 
So they'd be surprised to see how laid-back 
Walken is when confronted 
tion created by Abel Ferrar 
him in “King of New York, 


who directed 
“The Addic- 


tion” and “The Funeral.” Ferrara has en- 


‘est Side brownstone apari- 
New York afternoon. Wal- 
ken suggests the director remove his wet 
shoes before stepping on the soothing green 
Chinese rug in the living room. The two men 
are contrasts in style and manner: Walken is 
neat, meticulous, groomed, studied; Ferrara 
is unkempt and anxious. Walken observes 
the trail of blood Ferrara leaves as he steps 
from the wooden floor onto the expensive 
rug. When he points out the blood, Ferrara 
says he must have stepped on some broken 
glass on Walken’s floor. Walken is incredu- 
lous. His home is so spotlessly clean you 
could cat off his floor without finding a piece 
of lint, let alone a shard of glass. 

“He must have cut his foot before he 
came,” Walken explains to his wife, Geor- 


ment on a rain) 


= 


“Pm glad Im not a woman for a lot of rea- 
sons. Guys have a better deal, that's all there 
is to it. There's no comparison in terms of 
anything. Getting a hard-on, that's some- 
thing a woman will never understand.” 


gianne, after Ferrara leaves. “His sock was 
all bloody." 

“ГИ send the rug out,” Georgianne says, 
“but you know how tough it is to remove 
bloodstains.” 

“So we'll be able to point out that this is 
where Abel Ferrara bled for his art,” Walken 
says, laughing. 

In his kitchen he starts cutting up brussels 
sprouts to relax. When he's done he wipes al- 
ready spotless counters with a cotton dish 
towel. “I can't stand mess,” he admits. 

His face is beginning to wrinkle. Bags are 
forming below his eyes. Walken is thin, 175 
pounds on a six-foot frame. When he talks he 
pokes at his hairline with his fingertips in 
some strange ritual that has something to do 
with either stimulating the roots or tapping 
his brain for inspiration. He also briskly 
strokes his cheeks and neck with the backs of 
his fingernails as if trying to scrape away 
any loose skin. When he's not wiping coun- 
ters and tables clean, he’s constantly using 
his hands to play with his face. But there is 
something else about this unique actor, whose 
face has sent chills down the spines of audi- 
ences. He is very funny, with a droll sense of 
humor. He also has a great, inhaling laugh. 
When he tells a story and it has a punch line, 
he tells it with gusto. And then he laughs. 
This aspect of Walken comes as a surprise, 
because his public image is of a man who 
might be crippled from the neck down, as he 


"All sorts of dopey people go crazy. Going 
crazy has a certain amount of vanity con- 
nected to it. I found that I was the least in- 
teresting when I was introspective. I did the 
least interesting work.” 


is in “Things to Do in Denver When You're 
Dead,” but who can still force Andy Garcia 
onto his knees in quivering fear. He may not 
be able to unzip his own pants, but he’s per- 
fectly capable of instructing one of his movie 
goons to do that for him, and then take out 
his dick so the guy he's tormenting can suck 
it. That's the Chris Walken we've grown to 
love. As a “Los Angeles Times” reviewer ob- 
served, Walken “can embody pure, scary evil 
better than just about anybody.” And “Film 
Comment” noted that if there is such a thing 
as menacing vulnerability, Walken has per- 
sonified it: “He understands scary-funny 
better than anyone.” 

He has been influenced by show business 
his entire life, so much so that he marks time 
by what was playing in theaters, who was on 
TE what he was doing at the time of a star’s 
death (when James Dean died, Walken was 
at a roller-skating rink in Queens). He was 
born, he points out, on the opening night of 
“Oklahoma!” —March ЗІ, 1943. His father 
was a baker, his mom a woman so enamored 
with show business that she pushed her three 
Sons into crossing from Queens into Manhat- 
tan to study at the Professional Children’s 
School, then took them on stage and tele- 
vision auditions. The brothers learned to 
dance, to playact and to stand behind Mil- 
ton Berle or Ernie Kovacs, Steve Allen, 
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis or Jackie Glea- 
son whenever some kids were needed as 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO 


“I hope I'm not creepy. Creepy is not a mam- 
mal. Creepy is like an insect. Spooky is OK. 
Anybody who gets to know me is surprised. 
I am a good guy, no doubt about it. Just 
ask my family." 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


background for a TV shit. “Those guys were 
kings,” Walken recalls fondly. “They were 
big stars and they were treated that way.” 

Until he danced for a nightclub singer 
named Monique Van Vooren, Walken went 
by his given first name, Ronald. But that 
changed after he told the chanteuse he didn't 
like the sound of it. “She tried out some oth- 
er names on me. One night she called me 
Christopher and I kept it.” 

His first dramatic role was as the king of 
France in a Broadway production of “The 
Lion in Winter.” He was almost fired for 
having the shakes, but he somehow managed 
to calm down enough to keep the job. Other 
plays followed, and Walken honed his talent 
doing everything from Shakespeare to David 
Rabe. Actors still talk of how he crawled on 
his elbows like a crab in “Caligula” or how 
he played Stanley Kowalski for laughs in “4 
Streetcar Named Desire” because he didn't 
want his performance to be compared with 
Marlon Brando’s. “It was a stitch,” he says, 
“but a lot of people criticized me for doing 
that. But what the fuck was I supposed to 
do? I never was Stanley to begin with.” 

The movies came somewhat late for him— 
he was 26 when he got a bit part in a film 
called “Me and My Brother.” He followed 
that two years later, in 1971, with “The An- 
derson Tapes.” It took five more years before 
he landed a role in Paul Mazursky's “Next 
Stop, Greenwich Village.” Then came “The 
Sentinel” and “Roseland” before Woody 
Allen cast him as Diane Keaton's demented 
brother in “Annie Hall.” But it was Michael 
Cimino’s “The Deer Hunter” that made 
Walken a star—he landed an Oscar for best 
supporting actor for his portrayal of a battle- 
scarred Vietnam soldier. The first real money 
Walken made as a movie actor was for “The 
Dogs of War,” in which he played a merce- 
nary attempting to oust a dictatorial govern- 
ment. In 1983 came “Brainstorm,” a film 
remembered because its star, Natalie Wood, 
fell off a yacht and drowned one evening 
while her husband, Robert Wagner, and 
Walken sat in an onboard room. For years 
reporters have tried to get Walken to talk 
in detail about the event. Until now he has 
refused. 

After “Brainstorm” came more movies: 
“The Dead Zone,” based on Stephen King’s 
novel, the James Bond film “A View to a 
Kill,” “At Close Range,” “Biloxi Blues,” 
“The Milagro Beanfield War,” “Homeboy,” 
“Communion,” “King of New York,” “The 
Comfort of Strangers” and “McBain.” He 
was a villainous tycoon in “Batman Re- 
turns" and the evil movie producer in 
“Wayne's World 2." His scene with Den- 
nis Hopper in “True Romance” took that 
movie to another level. Walken also ap- 
peared in “Pulp Fiction.” His latest film is 
“Excess Baggage,” with Alicia Silverstone. 

He's been married to casting director 
Georgianne Thon for 28 years. They have a 
house in Wilton, Connecticut as well as the 
apartment in Manhattan. When he's not 
working (which is rare), Walken likes to 
cook, paint and observe his cats. 

We sent Contributing Editor Lawrence 


Grobel (whose last interview for us was with 
author Saul Bellow) to find out what makes 
Christopher Walken tick. Grobel reports: 

“Walken is most comfortable standing in 
the kitchen, peeling vegetables and cooking 
meals. We stood in the kitchen of his rented 
house in Los Angeles for three hours at a 
time over five days, debating whether or not 
his behavior was obsessive (I said it was; he 
didn’t think so). In his apartment in New 
York I finally got to sit on a couch in his liv- 
ing room, where we shared a bottle of red 
wine and went over his latest appearance on 
‘Saturday Night Live." 

“In a moment of clarity he marveled that 
when he turned 53 he celebrated his half a 
century in show business, a claim few actors 
in the world can make. He still worries when 
he completes a project and doesn’t have the 
next one lined up, and he compared his ca- 
reer to a roller coaster. ‘Гое come and gone a 
number of times,’ he said. ‘It’s not that I 
went away, but I became much less visible. 
Then I do something and I'm back." 

"He's so funny and such a natural story- 
teller that it’s sometimes easy to forget that he 
makes his living playing some of the most 
chilling characters known to movies.” 


Гое always been 
recognizable, even before 
I became famous. The 
way I dress, my hair, I 


stick out a little. 


PLAYBOY: How do you feel when you read 
an article about yourself that begins: 
“There are lots of spooky actors in the 
world, but none more spooky than 
Christopher Walken”? Or, “Christopher 
Walken is the creepiest man on the 
screen”? 

WALKEN: I hope I’m not creepy. Creepy is 
not a mammal. Creepy is like an insect. 
Spooky is OK. Racehorses get spooked, 
they're emotional. 

PLAYBOY: Still, spooky doesn’t often trans- 
late into heroic or good-guy roles. 
WALKEN: I am a good guy, no doubt 
about it. Just ask my family. Whatever 
you are in the movies comes from what 
youactually are. One thing an actor does 
in his life is to try to find the pure place. 
PLAYBOY: So you would like some roman- 
tic leads? 

WALKEN: I'd like to be acting, and acting 
in ways that surprise people. If that 
would be a surprise, sure. 

PLAYBOY: And how would you describe 
yourself? 

WALKEN: Unexpectedly conservative. 
Anybody who gets to know me is sur- 
prised. My life is quiet. I like it that 
way. I'm very sensible and pragmatic. If 


somebody were to do the story of my life, 
not that anybody would, it would be 
about my wife and me around the house. 
It would be like watching paint dry. 
PLAYBOY: What does stardom mean 
to you? 

WALKEN: I don’t know what stardom i 
Somebody once said to me, “I saw you in 
this play.” And I thought, Wow, some- 
body saw me, because only about three 
people saw that play. I felt very famous. 
I've always been recognizable, even be- 
fore I became famous. The way I dress, 
my hair, I stick out a little. 

PLAYBOY: Would you consider yourself 
flamboyant? 

WALKEN: A little, yeah. Garish. Especially 
when I was younger—I was always a bit 
exotic. Never wore a hat because the hair 
was more important. 

PLAYBOY: You seldom get top billing. Why 
is that? 

WALKEN: Usually the villain is the sup- 
porting actor. But you know that before 
you make the movie; that's all decided by 
your lawyer. Whenever I go to do a 
movie, my agent and lawyer always fight 
for things. One will say, “If we don't ar- 
gue about the billing it will be easier with 
the money.” And ГЇЇ say, “Yeah, right.” 
And then the other guy will call me and 
say, “Look, Chris, you have to put your 
foot down. We have to fight for this.” 
And ГЇЇ say, “Yeah, right.” So then they 
argue, and usually they know what I 
want, which is basically: Take the job, 
who cares? It's much more important to 
stick around. Being an actor is hard. So 
many people want your job. 

PLAYBOY: It’s been said that you bring to 
your roles a special way of seeing pain 
that other actors rarely come close to. Do 
you understand this? 

WALKEN: I hope I bring a special way of 
seeing something. People are so mysteri- 
ous, you can't ever really know anyone. I 
never know what anybody's thinking. 
When my nephew was five and his moth- 
er was going to have another baby, he 
said to me, "Uncle Ronnie, my mother 
and father think I'm upset because 
there's a baby coming. I want you to let 
them know that I'm not, that I’m look- 
ing forward to it, because I've been lone- 
ly.” That's at five! 

PLAYBOY: Are you always Ronnie to your 
friends and family? 

WALKEN: Oh yeah. My wife, people who 
knew me as a kid, sure. Anybody who 
met me after І was 25 calls me Chris. I 
asked my agent if I could change my 
billing to Chris Walken. It's what every- 
body calls me, and it takes up less space. 
It's easier to say. But people don't like 
change. Producers say, “If I paid for the 
full name, I'm getting the full name." 
Why can't I go to Chris? I wish PLAYBOY 
would use Chris. 

PLAYBOY: OK, Chris, are you concerned 
about your roles as a bad guy capable of 
killing children, friends or co-workers? 
You have said you tend to play mostly 


villains and twisted people because of 
the way you look. Do you think you look 
evil? Is there a concern that you might 
become a parody of yourself? 
WALKEN: You know what I think it is? I've 
been in show business since I was three, 
and it has left its mark on me. I come 
from the planet Show Business, not Hol- 
lywood—I didn't know anything about 
that until I got older. But I came out of 
show business: The way I talk, the way 1 
think, the way I look—those things make 
me good for certain kinds of parts, 
somebody from the outside, from the 
border. When I was young I never knew 
anybody who wasn't in show business. 
Remember Brandon de Wilde? He 
was a great-looking kid and a big star, he 
was in Shane. 1 went to school with him. 
He taught me how to tie a necktie. I was 
in class with Marvin Hamlisch. I knew 
him when I was seven. When he was ten 
he had already written an opera. Tues- 
day Weld used to come to our house. Sal 
Mineo was in school with Elliott Gould 
and my brother. Sal was a bigger star 
than anybody. He had an older brother 
named Vic, and these guys wore suits, 
had bodyguards, played cards on the 
weekends. These guys were 40 when 
they were 16. I was always at the edge, 
looking on. 
PLAYBOY: Were you jealous of their 
success? 
WALKEN: I don't have a big jealous streak. 


But sometimes 1 feel depressed about 
not being better. 

PLAYBOY: Did many of those showbiz kids 
continue like you did? 

WALKEN: Not many. It’s unusual if they're 
still in the business. They grew up and 
had something else they wanted to do. 
But not me. I got to be 25 and realized I 
was in show business whether I liked it 
or not. 

PLAYBOY: Is that when you made the 
transition from musicals to dramatic 
stage roles? 

WALKEN: 1 knew I couldn't stay in musi- 
cals. Even if you are great at it, there's 
only so long you can doit, like an athlete. 
I was in a musical and a casting agent 
saw me and asked me to audition for The 
Lion in Winter, which was a play in New 
York before it was a movie. I got the part 
of the king of France. It had great ac- 
tors in it: Robert Preston, who was like 
Booth, a great American actor; Rose- 
mary Harris; Jimmy Rado, who later 
wrote Hair. lt was a good show. Preston 
was sweet to me. He used to say, “Don't 
worry, just enjoy yourself. Don't stand in 
the wings and say your lines over and 
over before you go on. You know your 
lines— just relax." And I'd grit my teeth 
and say, "Yeah!" Anyway, I'd go out there 
and pour a cup of wine and hand it to 
somebody, and my hand would be shak- 
ing so hard that the wine would jump 
out of the goblet. I really stunk. People 


would come backstage afterward and say 
to me, "I'm sorry." And one night after 
the show the producer asked me to get a 
bite to eat and took me to this Greek 
restaurant. He said in the middle of our 
meal, "We're going to have to let you 
go-" I said, "I know that. But give me 
three days." He said OK. Within those 
three days I got my shit together. 
PLAYBOY: Why stay with acung if it made 
your hands shake? 

WALKEN: What else could I do? 

PLAYBOY: You won a Clarence Derwent 
Award for that play. What did this mean 
to you? 

WALKEN: I had gone from tap dancing to 
getting an award for being an actor in 
a play I nearly got fired from. This 
showed me things weren't so bad after 
all. 1 got a job as Romeo and I had never 
read Shakespeare. I'm convinced I got 
that job because somebody had seen me 
wearing tights in The Lion in Winter and 
thought J could play Romeo. It’s dopey, 
but I think that’s what happened. I was 
terrible as Romeo. And I got the worst 
reviews ever. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have many actor 
friends? When you're working here in 
Hollywood, who do you see? 

WALKEN: I know people here like Harry 
Dean Stanton. I'm trying to think of who 
else actually lives here. Oh, Jon Lovitz. 
[Laughs] I'm 54 years old. You ask, " Who 
do you know?” I say, “I know Harry 


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54 


Dean Stanton.” 

PLAYBOY: What playwrights are you most 
comfortable with? 

WALKEN: My best work onstage has been 
in Tennessee Williams’ plays and in 
Chekhov's. American stage actors for 
some reason go very well with Chekhov. 
Some sort of temperamental thing. And 
Williams was the great American play- 
wright of my time. One thing I know 
about playwrights: Every character they 
write is them. Shakespeare wrote ail 
those characters, and somewhere in his 
head he could imagine them. It's the on- 
ly thing good playwrights and bad play- 
wrights have in common: Their charac- 
ters are basically them. 

PLAYBOY: Does that hold true for actors 
who write? 

WALKEN: Sure. I’ve never met an actor 
who hasn't written a 
movie. I've got vol- 
umes of them. Cab- 
drivers write screen- 
plays. My dentist told 
me he wrote one. 
PLAYBOY: Did he give 
it to you? 

WALKEN: No. But he 
wants to. I think I 
said to him, “I don't 
want to know about it. 
What's it about?" "It's 
abouta dentist." They 
don't make movies 
about dentists! 
PLAYBOY: Has anybody 
ever read any of your. 
screenplays? 

WALKEN: No, because 
they stink! [Laughs] 
I've got a trunkful of 
shitty scripts. When I 
finish one I say, “OK, 
that's pretty good for 
a lousy rotten actor.” 
PLAYBOY: What was 
your mother’s fas- 
cination with show 
business that led her 
to encourage you in 
that direction? 
WALKEN: It was differ- 
ent in those days. 
There was a thing 
called the Stage Moth- 
crs’ Society, 300 women who had kids. 
There were three professional children's 
schools that catered to those kids. I went 
12 years, from the first grade until I 
graduated from high school. 

We went to dancing school on Satur- 
days and it was as much a social event for 
the mothers as it was tap class for us 
They would all sit and drink black coffee 
and smoke digarettes and argue. 1 don't 
know about what, but I remember big 
arguments. It was pretty tough. 
PLAYBOY: Were you a good student? 
WALKEN: I was never good in school. 
I didn't like it and always resented hav- 
ing to attend. 


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PLAYBOY: Why? 

WALKEN: I don't have children, and I 
know the law makes you do things, but I 
think you should basically teach a kid to 
read. A little arithmetic, a little writing, 
but if you can read, that's the big thing. 
That's the biggest thing my education 
gave me. 

PLAYBOY: If you had kids, would you en- 
courage them to go to school? 

WALKEN: No, I wouldn't. I think school 
may do as much damage as good. It did 
to me. It was just something you did 
every day. It was taken for granted. You 
waste tremendous amounts of time. 
PLAYBOY: You apparently felt that way 
about Hofstra University, which you left 
after a year. 

WALKEN: І mean, it wasn't Harvard. I was 
in a play by Archibald MacLeish, J.B., 


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when I was 16 or 17. I was about to get 
out of high school. One of my teachers 
said, "You're working with Archibald 
MacLeish?" He was teaching at Har- 
vard. She said, "Why don't you ask him 
to put in a word for you? You could 
probably go to Harvard." I didn't want 
to go to Harvard. 

PLAYBOY: What musical did you leave col- 
lege for? 

WALKEN: Best Foot Forward. 1 was 19, mak- 
ing $55 a week. Liza Minnelli sang a 
song for this investor—she made quite 
an impression. That's how we got the 
money to do the show. Her mother 
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the cast was invited. I danced with Judy 
Garland. 

PLAYBOY: Wasn't it at this time that you 
met Anthony Perkins, who gave you 
some essential advice about your hair? 
WALKEN: Right. He had a great head of 
hair. He said the reason men go bald, 
aside from genes, is that as they get old- 
ex, the scalp gets tight, the blood gets cut 
off and the follicles die, particularly with 
stress. He knew a lot about it. He said 
that women have a layer oí lanolin un- 
der their skin that men don't have that 
keeps their scalps loose. He told me what 
you do is pull your hair forward five 
minutes a day, and I've done it every 
morning since. You take your whole 
scalp and just pull it pretty hard, yank 
it around. I heard that Kennedy, when 
he was in the White House, had some- 
body come in every 
day and do it for him. 
He had a great head 
of hair. 

PLAYBOY: What other 
beauty secrets do you 
know? 

WALKEN: If you've got 
red eyes from stay- 
ing up too late you 
should put warm, 
wet tea bags on them. 
1% very soothing. 
PLAYBOY: After Best 
Foot Forward, you did 
the road show of West 
Side Story, during 
which you met Geor- 
gianne Thon. De- 
scribe that meeting. 
WALKEN: She played 
my girlfriend in the 
show, so we were 
together every day, 
touring on the road. 
PLAYBOY: Was it love 
at first sight? 
WALKEN: She was a 
fox. She is a fox. We 
loved each other 
right away. We've 
been married 28 
years. I was 22 when 
we met. 

PLAYBOY: Why haven't 
you had kids? 
WALKEN: I never had it checked out. My 
wife and I were never interested in hav- 
ing kids. We're both relieved that we 
don't. We've been careful, and we've de- 
liberately avoided it. Until I was 35 I 
moved around all the time. The truth is, 
1 don't really enjoy the company of chil- 
dren. When I'm with them I think, Gee, 
I wish this would end so I could have a 
conversation or something. 

PLAYBOY: Is your wife your best friend? 
WALKEN: Definitel: 
PLAYBOY: She has said that she stays away 
from you when you're playing darker 
roles. True? 

WALKEN: She's told me that, too. 


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PLAYBOY: You must not be seeing much of 
her lately. 

WALKEN: There are some roles that are 
difficult for her. People won't say, "Come 
on, honey, let's take the kids to see The 
Comfort of Strangers.” That's not going to 
happen 

PLAYBOY: You've said that your character 
in that movie got to you. In what way? 
WALKEN: I did something I never do for 
movies: I deliberately gained weight, 20 
pounds. And I dor't do things like that. 
for parts. I don't like to be fat. I felt lousy. 
PLAYBOY: You called your character a ter- 
rible man and said the fact that sex 
equals death in that movie scared you. 
WALKEN: He and his wife did make that 
equation, yeah. And not in a funny way, 
like Woody Allen might do. That is the 
most mentally unhealthy person I've 
ever played, which says a lot. 

PLAYBOY: You played a pretty unstable 
guy, Annie Hall's demented brother, 
for Allen. 

WALKEN: Somebody at a press conference 
came up to me and said, "I know why 
you get these strange parts. It's because 
you did that Woody Allen movic." I 
thought, Could that be? Everybody saw 
that movie, in which I played Duane, 
who wanted to drive into oncoming cars. 
It could be I got the part in The Deer 
Hunter because of that. 

PLAYBOY: The Deer Hunter, it's been writ- 
ten, established you as an intellectual 


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James Dean. Do you buy that? 
WALKEN: No, certainly not. 

PLAYBOY: Many saw it as a political film, 
but you didn't. How come? 

WALKEN: Because I see movies as movies. 
But if you want me to be more specific, I 
don't think it had anything to do with 
being about a particular war. It had 
more to do with young men's romantic 
notions of war, the idea that war's an ad- 
venture. They think they're going to go 
and have a good time, get out of the 
house. In reality, though, they get their 
legs blown off. But you could have made 
that movie about cavemen. It's really 
more about young men's naivete con- 
cerning war. 

PLAYBOY: Where did you stand on the 
Vietnam war? 

WALKEN: It's maybe not a good thing 
about me, but I have never paid atten- 
tion to what's going on in the world. I 
knew peripherally, but I had no views. 
PLAYBOY: What about your brothers? 
WALKEN: My younger brother volun- 
teered to go, and he went for four years. 
He was in action in Vietnam. He never 
talks about it, but I have a feeling he was 
in rough stuff. 

PLAYBOY: What did he think of The Deer 
Hunter? 

WALKEN: He's never talked about it. 
PLAYBOY: How uncomfortable did it get 
shooting in the River Kwai? 

WALKEN: There were little things nipping 


at our legs. That's why I liked making 
Nick of Time—it was all inside the Bona- 
venture Hotel. You'd go to your room 
for lunch, go back downstairs and get to 
work. That's the way to do it. The Deer 
Hunler was in the jungle, with lizards, 
spiders. We stayed in this hotel, and at 
night there'd be a noise. You'd turn on 
the light and there would be a lizard on 
the wall, white with big orange dots on it. 
I'm very squeamish about that stuff. I 
don't like bugs. But it got to the point 
where I'd hear a noise, turn on the light, 
see something on the wall, turn off the 
light and go back to sleep. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever smoke opium in 
"Thailand? 

WALKEN: Somebody gave me some and I 
didn't know what to do with it, so I ate it 
after we finished the movie. I stayed in 
"Thailand for a while and went up to this 
place called Fe Lot. It was like a town in 
a Western, with wooden sidewalks and 
guys carrying guns. I ate the opium and 
got very, very sick. It was an intestinal 
thing. When I got back to America I saw 
a doctor, who said that they mix the opi- 
um with water buffalo shit and that I had 
some bacteria in my stomach. 1t lasted a 
long time. 

PLAYBOY: What were the Sixties like for 
you? Did you go through a drug phase? 
WALKEN: Sure. 

PLAYBOY: Did it affect you? 

WALKEN: Yes, but it affected me for the 


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PLAYBOY 


56 


better. It's the reason I don't do it any- 
more and wouldn't even be inclined or 
tempted. When it stopped being inter- 
esting, I stopped being interested in 
it. It was a relationship. We gave up on 
cach other. 

PLAYBOY: You never had a bad acid trip? 
WALKEN: Oh sure, sure, and when that 
happened I stopped. I don’t even hear 
acid mentioned anymore. But it was 
commonplace then. It's like smoking cig- 
arettes—there was a time in my late 
30s when they started to make me feel 
sick, so I quit. I'm very lucky that way 
There's a point where your body and 
your mind say what you should do, and 
if you ignore that, you're a fool. 
PLAYBOY: How good was winning an Os- 
car for The Deer Hunter? 

WALKEN: I remember exactly how good. 
We went to the thing and there was a 
little party afterward and we sat with 
Meryl Streep and her family, then went 
back to the hotel early. The management 
had sent up a bottle of champagne, my 
agent was in the room with a couple of 
people, I was holding the Oscar. Then 
everybody left and we went to bed and 1 
said to my vife, with the Oscar in my 
hand, "This is a house." And it was. I was 
holding our house in my hand—1 knew 
thar's what it meant. 

PLAYBOY: Another controversial film for 
you was Brainstorm, which was delayed 
when Natalie Wood drowned after fall- 
ing off the yacht that you, she and Rob- 
ert Wagner were staying on. You have 
maintained a strict silence about the 
incident- 
WALKEN: Out of respect for the family. 
It’s not my place to talk about that. The 
other thing is, there really is nothing to 
talk about. Anybody there saw the logis- 
tics—of the boat, the night, where we 
were, that it was raining—and would 
know exactly what happened. You hear 
about things happening to people—they 
slip in the bathtub, fall down the stairs, 
step off the curb in London because they 
think that the cars come the other way— 
and they die. You feel you want to die 
making an effort at something; you don't 
want to die in some unnecessary way. 
What happened that night only she 
knows, because she was alone. There 
were four of us on that boat, not three of 
us. There was a captain too. She had 
gone to bed before us, and her room was 
at the back. A dinghy was bouncing 
against the side of the boat, and I think 
she went out to move it. There was a ski 
ramp that was partially in the water. It 
was slippery—I had walked on it myself. 
She had told me she couldn't swim; in 
fact, they had to cut a swimming scene 
from the movie. She was probably half 
asleep, and she was wearing a coat. She 
apparently moved the boat around, 
slipped, hit her head, fell into the water. 
She was discovered separate from the 
boat: Why would she get into the boat, 
then get out of it and into the water? She 


couldn't swim. She hit her head, went in- 
to the water, the boat floated away, she 
floated away. In the meantime, we were 
sitting in the living room, the three of us, 
talking. And I remember distinctly that 
about 45 minutes after she had gone 
to bed, R.J. went down to her room, 
came right back and said, "Natalie's not 
there." And then the Coast Guard was 
called. 

I feel funny talking about it in such de- 
tail, but the fact that she had gone in the 
dinghy the night before made it sound 
like we were on the high seas. We were 
50 feet off the beach, moored to one of 
those balls, and there were boats all 
around. It was a drizzly night, so it 
wasn't like people were sitting out on 
their decks. But there were a lot of peo- 
ple around. There was a hotel with a 
restaurant on the shore. She had gone 
there the night before to call her kids be- 
cause the phone on the boat wasn't 
working. The first assumption was that 
that's what she had done. She was very 
spontaneous. The idea that she had got- 
ten into the boat to go call her kids was 
not far-fetched. The first reaction was: I 
hope everything's OK. But then time 
passed. 

PLAYBOY: Thomas Noguchi, the Los An- 
geles County coroner, reported that an 
argument between you and Wagner may 
have been the reason she went off by 
herself. 

WALKEN: Wasn't that guy Noguchi kicked 
out as chief medical examiner for being 
an asshole? 

PLAYBOY: He said you guys were fighting. 
WALKEN: I remember that. There was a 
quote in the paper from me saying I 
didn't recall the coroner being there. 
How the hell does the coroner know 
what was going on? 

PLAYBOY: What was reported in the Los 
Angeles Times was that you and Wagner 
"argued heatedly aboard an anchored 
yacht” on the night that Natalie Wood 
drowned. “It may have been the reason 
she left the two men.” 

WALKEN: She left to go to bed. And there 
were three of us. Noguchi was a bad 
man. How would he know? If a police- 
man had said it, it would be one thing. 
‘The police thoroughly investigated the 
whole thing, everybody was questioned, 
If there had been anything wrong, cer- 
tainly the police would have looked into 
it. The story I just told you is the ab- 
solute truth. Nobody can know, but I be- 
lieve she went to move that dinghy, 
slipped, fell, hit her head and died. Not 
a good way to go. The woman was not 
self-destructive. Everybody cared about 
her. This is the first time Гуе ever talked 
more than two minutes about it. 
PLAYBOY: When did they find the body? 
WALKEN: A few hours later. 

PLAYBOY: What was your reaction? 
WALKEN: Oh man, forget it. My reaction 
was for R.J. To receive that kind of news. 
PLAYBOY: Have you two seen or talked 


with each other since then? 

WALKEN: I bump into him occasionally, 
and, you know, it's sad. He married 
her twice. They really were a glamorous 
couple. 

PLAYBOY: Werc you close to her? 
WALKEN: They were very nice to me. 
They invited me to their home. We had a 
lot of fun. To have something like that 
happen to someone who really was loved 
and who was legendary—the sadness of 
it makes it hard to talk about. I was in a 
restaurant about a year ago, and there 
was a young, beautiful girl. I was looking 
at her and somebody said to me, "You 
know who that is? It's Natalie's daughter 
Natasha." There was a resemblance. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever talk to Wood 
about her early films? 

WALKEN: I did, yes. She talked about 
those people. She had dated Elvis. She 
was Elvis' girlfriend at one point. She 
talked about what a gentleman he was. 
She knew everybody. 

PLAYBOY: Elvis is someone you've been 
fascinated, almost obsessed, with since 
you were a teenager. When was the first 
time you laid eyes on him? 

WALKEN: I was about 15. I asked this girl 
10 go to the prom and she said she would 
but that she had a boyfriend, an older 
guy. Then she took out her wallet and 
showed me a picture of this handsome 
guy with the hair, the teeth, who looked 
like a Greek statue. I thought, All right, 
and then I asked to sce it again and said, 
“This is not a photograph. You cut this 
out of a magazine." She got farmisht and 
said, “Yes, you're right, I did. I'm so 
madly in love with him. His name is Elvis 
Presley." She went with me to the prom. 
1 had her in a compromising position. 
That's what you get for lying. 

PLAYBOY: How did Elvis' look affect you? 
WALKEN: I saw all his movies. I still comb 
my hair like his to some extent. 

PLAYBOY: You played archetypal bad guys 
in A View to a Kill and Batman Returns. 
Are they more like cartoon villains? Way 
over the top? 

WALKEN: Yeah, sure. Those were costume 
movies. In the Bond film I had my hair 
dyed an impossible yellow color, and that 
became my motivation in a lot of scenes: 
I had a secret subtext, which I never dis- 
cussed with anybody. Every time I had a 
scene with somebody I'd be thinking: 
What do you think of my hair? Do you 
like my hair? Do you like what they did to 
me? That they made me look like this? 
So next time you see the movie, ev- 
ery time I torture somebody I'm really 
thinking, You see what they did to me 
with this hair? 

PLAYBOY: Did you really ask Batman Re- 
turns director Tim Burton for cuff links 
made out of human molars? 

WALKEN: I didn't ask, but it's an example 
of what a really good director he is. At 
the beginning of the shoot I was stand- 
ing with him, waiting for them to light 
the set, and I said that in The Great 


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Gatsby, Gatsby and Nick Carraway are 
having lunch with the gangster Meyer 
Wolfsheim, and Nick notices that Wolf- 
sheim is wearing cuff links made out of 
human molars. Burton calls over his as- 
sistant and says, "Cet him cuff links 
made out of human molars." Within half 
an hour the guy comes back with them, 
and I wore them throughout the movie. 
It's something the audience wouldn't 
know, but Burton knew it would be good 
for me to have them. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't Sean Penn also know 
what would be good for you when you 
acted with him in At Close Range? 
WALKEN: Yeah, he really scared me. You 
can see it on the screen, because he did it 
very quickly In the middle of the take, 
he ran off the set and I heard him say to 
the propman, "Give me the other gun.” 
When he came back I was concerned 
that this wasn't the gun he had left with. 
Who knows? He's acting like some crazy 
actor and pointing it at my face, and it 
really scared me. It was near my eye. 
PLAYBOY: Why did he do it? 

WALKEN: Because he's a good actor. 
That's what good actors do, they help 
cach other. It was an empty gun—he 
knew exactly what he was doing. He just 
wanted to scare me, which is what he 
did. 1 got mad afterward and yelled at 
him, then I said thank you. It's great 
when actors do that for each other. It's 
very generous. 

PLAYBOY: Penn said that you had poetry 
in your blood, though it was hard to 
know whether it was angelic or satani 
WALKEN: That's a lovely thing to say. If 
you can play one, you can play the other. 
PLAYBOY: What about believing in one or 
the other? 

WALKEN: Heaven and hell? No. Afterlife, 
absolutely. I don't believe in death. I re- 
member standing as a child at my uncle's 
funeral, looking at him and thinking, I 
don't believe it, it doesn’t make any 
sense. And I still feel that. The other 
night I was watching a movie on TV and 
there was an actor in it I really like. Then 
it crossed my mind that he's dead. But 
he's not dead; there he is, you know? 
Life is so amazing to me that I find it. 
hard to believe it stops. 

PLAYBOY: You sound a bit like Whitley 
Strieber, who wrote about being abduct- 
ed by aliens in Communion, in which you 
appeared when it was made into a film. 
Did you get to know him? 

WALKEN: Yeah, it was interesting spend- 
ing time with him. We went to his house 
once. Talk about eccentric guys. He had 
about a dozen people there who claimed 
to have becn abducted. They were regu- 
lar people talking about waking up with 
six hours missing or with scars. 

PLAYBOY: You've said he's like a radio 
show—he does the sounds, the screams. 
Is this in a one-on-one conversation? 
WALKEN: Absolutely. All you have to do is 
say, “Whitley, did you really get abduct- 


58 ed?" He'll pretend at first that he's reluc- 


tant to talk about it. He's so bizarre. I 
asked him what happened once they got 
him in the spacecraft. His voice starts to 
shake a little, then he gets into it. He 
goes, “No, no!” [Laughs] He does sound 
effects. This guy, he's his own show. 
PLAYBOY: You were friendly with Andy 
Warhol. Did he ever want to take your 
picture or paint you? 

WALKEN: No. Andy Warhol was famous 
for being reticent, but whenever I was 
with him we talked about movies, New 
York, show business. He was very conge- 
nial, very intelligent, big mind. He never 
said anything silly. He said things like "I 
believe tomorrow is another day.” Which 
ly, except when he said it you could 
see the mind behind it. I always thought 
he was rather droll. He was certainly 
unique. 

PLAYBOY: Warhol mentioned you in his 
diaries a few times, often having to do 
with a reporter named Tinkerbelle. Do 
you remember her? 

WALKEN: Yeah, sure, I knew her. She's 
gone. 

PLAYBOY: Warhol wrote: “She was saying 
how she makes out with everybody she 
interviews, that she was making out with 
Christopher Walken and that his wife 
was getting upset." How did your wife 
know? 

WALKEN: І never knew Tinkerbelle that 
way. І knew her from the days I used to 
go to the clubs. I used to scc her at Stu- 
dio 54. 

PLAYBOY: Do female reporters often come 
on to you? 

WALKEN: No. I wouldn't mind, but — 
PLAYBOY: Warhol wrote in his entry for 
January 16, 1979: “Tinkerbelle said how 
could I tell people that she'd given Chris 
Walken a blow job, and I told her I 
didn't tell anybody, that I didn't even 
know." 

WALKEN: Look, I don't know, these peo- 
ple, really—there are things you can 
say about me, but I'll deny that one 
absolutely. 

PLAYBOY: On March 14, 1985, Warhol 
wrote, regarding you and actor Mickey 
Rourke the night of Dino De Laurentiis’ 
dinner at Alo Alo, that before Rourke left 
with some girls, "he and Chris Walken 
kissed each other goodbye on the lips so 
tenderly, it looked so gay. And Chris 
Walken was really drunk, he said he was 
tired of his hair, he'd dyed it blond, and 
it needed retouching." 

WALKEN: [Laughs] 1 remember Mickey 
was there. He handed me some sort of 
strange green drink. Actors do kiss one 
another, 1 don't think on the lips. I don't 
think there's anything going on between 
me and Mickey. Sounds like a nice book. 
PLAYBOY: In 1973 you said in After Dark 
that you thought of Bassanio in The Mer- 
chant of Venice as bisexual, "and I sup- 
pose that's how I think of myself, too. I'd 
hate to think that I was harnessed to het- 
erosexuality . . . my head is bisexual.” 
WALKEN: Did I say that? I think an actor's 


head has to be not bisexual but asexual. 
1 like the term actor, it's genderless. I call 
actresses actors. An actor has to see 
as many sides of the story as possi- 
ble. That's probably what I meant. But 
that production of Merchant of Venice 
had a gay bent. The director wanted it 
that way. 

PLAYBOY: What does your wife think 
when she hears or reads these remarks? 
WALKEN: My wife is so used to me. She's 
heard people say many things about me. 
PLAYBOY: Is it true that until you were 35 
you never earned more than $11,000 in 
a year? 

WALKEN: That's right. That was my 
top pay for a year until I made The 
Deer Hunter, for which I was to be paid 
$14,000. But it took longer than it was 
supposed to, so I made $25,000. I told 
Michael Cimino there was this great 
Cadillac that I wanted, but he didn't give 
it to me. l've always liked Cadillacs, but I 
don't like to drive. 

PLAYBOY: So when did you finally make 
money? 

WALKEN: Right after The Deer Hunter, 
when I did The Dogs of War. That was the 
first time I was the main character. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever made more than 
a million dollars for a film? 

WALKEN: No. I made a million dollars 
once, but never over a million. I don't 
pay an awful lot of attention to money. 
PLAYBOY: If your films haven't always 
been successful, your two appearances 
on Saturday Night Live have been. What 
kind of feedback do you get when you 
do that show? 

WALKEN: It’s very good, people think 
it's funny. They remember certain skits. 
"The most popular one is the Continen- 
tal. A lot of people remember the stalker. 
We did a James Bond skit in which I 
played a bad guy. I was designing a 
shark tank, and I was going to throw 
people in. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think the show can ever 
return to its early glory days? 

WALKEN: I don't know. I've been watch- 
ing it as a fan for 22 years. Naturally 
when I think about the time I watched 
every week, it was in the beginning, with 
Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Dan Ayk- 
royd, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jane 
Curtin. That was an amazing time. 
When Belushi would do the newsand go 
insane, or do takeoffs on Sid Caesar or 
do the samurai, or Steve Martin would 
do his Egyptian dance, that was funny 
stuff. There was that white-hot thing 
when somebody gets very big overnight. 
I remember running around the halls 
of the Cháteau Marmont with John Be- 
lushi, who lived there. I used to live on 
the sixth floor. There were a lot of par- 
ties in room 54, which is a nice, big suite 
facing Sunset. 

PLAYBOY: Legend has it that the SNL par- 
ties were heavy on drugs, with plates 
of cocaine on tables. 


(concluded on page 64) 


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60 


THE ISSUE ISN’T WHAT 
WE WOULD DO WITH 
ANOTHER MOZART. IT’S 
WHAT WE WOULD DO WITH 


ANOTHER JOHN TESH 


CLONING? 


| DON'T THINK SO 


BY JOE QUEENAN 


OUGHLY ten minutes into the 1990 roman- 

tic thriller Ghost, Patrick Swayze is shot to 

death by a hired killer. However, due to de- 

ceptive camera work, the audience does 

not immediately realize that the male lead 

has slipped this mortal coil, because while 
Swayze's girlfriend, Demi Moore, kneels weeping 
in the street, trying to console her apparently 
doomed fiancé, a second Patrick Swayze—his 
ghost-to-be—appears at her side. Thus, in a 
gle frame, in a single instant, in a single dramatic 
sequence, the unsuspecting audience is subjected 
to not one performance by a man widely viewed 
as the worst actor of our times, but two. 

The possibility that two separate but equal 
Patrick Swayzes may inhabit the same planet at 
the same time constitutes the strongest argument 
ever devised for opposing the cloning of human 
beings. In dwelling upon such abstract questions 
as how society could benefit from the cloning of 
an Albert Einstein or suffer from the cloning of a 
Saddam Hussein, most scientists, politicians, reli- 
gious leaders and ethical experts have completely 
missed the real issue, foolishly ignoring the long- 
term cultural fallout from producing two Patrick 
Swayzes, three Pauly Shores, four Arsenio Halls 
or 11,000 Barbra Streisands. The truth is, the 
machinations of a Saddam Hussein or the cere- 
brations of a Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, or even 
ten Saddam Husseins and 457 Wolfgang Ama- 
deus Mozarts, have little practical effect on the 
lives of most Americans. Patrick Swayze, on the 
other hand, exerts a subliminal cultural influence 
24 hours a day, via endless reruns of Dirty Danc- 
ing, Road House and Ghost on TNT, TBS, HBO2, 
et al. And even when he's not, Eric Roberts and 
Gary Busey are. The experts, by confining their 
speculative horizons to the mighty, the monstrous 


ILLUSTRATION BY RANDALL ENOS 


PLAYBOY 


62 


and the misbegotten, have overlooked 
the mundane, yet infinitely more cata- 
strophic, uses to which cloning could 
be put by friend and foe alike, Judging 
from Americans’ obsession with enter- 
tainers of all stripes, it can be argued 
that the routine, unregulated cloning 
of toxic celebrities poses the single 
greatest threat to this society since the 
Civil War. America can survive the 
cloning of a John Dillinger. It can sur- 
vive the cloning of a John Hinckley. It 
can even survive the cloning of a John 
Wayne Gacy. What it cannot survive is 
the cloning of a John Tesh 

As noted before, wizened pundits, 
canny prognosticators and keen ob- 
servers of the human condition have 
dwelled on the most extravagant, albeit 
obvious, applications of cloning. What 
scientists and politicians have over- 
looked in their cookie-cutter rumina- 
tions about cloned Mozarts and geneti- 
cally engineered Van Goghs is the 
extreme unlikelihood that such cloning 
would ever take place. For cloning to 
work, the subject must either be alive 
or only recently dead. That rules out 
Mozart and Van Gogh. But even if 
their cells were still in a readily clone- 
able state, it is unlikely that anyone 
would bother to make copies of them. 
Mozart, like most composers, died flat 
broke. He was also not terrifically pop- 
ular. And he had terrible manners. 
"This being the case, why would anyone 
jump up and say, “Great! He's dirt- 
poor, he’s dying of syphilis, he’s eating 
his own feces and he's a jerk. Let's 
clone him." As for Van Gogh, if some- 
one were hell-bent on cloning the mis- 
erable Dutch genius, he could save 
himself a few bucks on the genetic 
mapping by not bothering to give him 
a left ear. Genius or no genius, the tor- 
mented late-19th century artist had far 
too many personal problems to make 
him a good candidate for cloning. 

"The truth is, artistic geniuses are far 
too mercurial to bother cloning. Be- 
cause of their moodiness, unpredict- 
ability and affection for drugs, the 
amount of downstream revenue they 
would generate for their adoptive par- 
ents or guardians isn’t realistically 
quantifiable. On the other hand, it’s 
easy to understand why studios would 
want to clone movie stars with reliable 
box-office histories: money. Had an Er- 
rol Flynn clone been around when Kev- 
in Costner was making Waterworld, the 
film wouldn't have been such a bust. 

The ethical problems underlying 
such cloning decisions are enormous. 
Although a clone may be a perfect bio- 
logical duplicate of its progenitor, it will 
still have a heart and mind of its own. 
Because it will be raised in a different 
environment than its biological "par- 
ЇЇ not grow up to be a perfect 


replicant. Thus, had Van Gogh grown 
up in the Amazonian rain forest, he 
probably would not have become a 
mad painter who cut off his ear. In all 
likelihood, he still would have been a 
tad quirky, but probably not a complete 
lunatic. There is absolutely no guaran- 
tee that the clone of a genius will grow 
up to be a genius. In which case, you 
might just as well clone your mother. 

Prospective clone parents also need 
to be aware that once a clone attains 
the age of reason, it will have its own 
feelings, its own value system, its own 
perspective on life. And one thing it 
will surely want to know is why it was 
brought into the world in such an un- 
conventional fashion. How was the de- 
cision reached? How much cash was in- 
volved? What do the parents hope to 
get out of it? Consider the plight of a 
middle-aged stepparent who must ex- 
plain to her now-grown, cloned child 
that she deliberately chose to bring 
her into the world as a clone of Kathie 
Lee Gifford rather than as a clone of 
herself. 

"We figured you'd make more mon- 
ey being perky than you'd make being 
fat and lovable,” the parent would ex- 
plain. “Perky sells.” The mother might 
also point out that there were worse 
options than Kathie Lee Gifford: The 
child could have been a clone of Wil- 
lard Scott. In saying this, it is not our 
purpose to heap abuse on the high- 
profile talk-show host or the corpulent 
weatherman, particularly during a pe- 
riod when Mrs. Gifford has been sub- 
jected to profound emotional duress by 
her errant husband's extramarital har- 
pooning expeditions. But clearly, the 
cloning of Kathie Lee Gifford is not 
something this society should assent to 
without first conducting a vigorous na- 
tionwide debate. Ian Wilmut, who ig- 
nited an international furor by cloning 
Dolly the sheep last year, points out 
that one of the major child-rearing 
problems lurking down the road is 
when parents have excessively high ex- 
pectations of their celebrity-clone chil- 
dren. As Wilmut putsit, “Ifyou made a 
copy of Einstein, and the kid failed in 
his homework, you would say, ‘You're 
not supposed to fail your homework."” 
And then, of course, you would proba- 
bly hit him 

‘One major element hampering the 
cloning debate is the public's woeful ig- 
norance of the technology involved. 
People erroneously assume that a ge- 
netic engineer is e-mailed a DNA blue- 
print of some sort, or is handed a 
beaker filled with a filmy substance and 
marked MOORE, DEMI, and that the clone 
is conceived in a futuristic incubator. 
Not so. The procedure is a simple 
process of trial and error. It doesn't al- 
ways work on the first try. Indeed, the 


incredibly high failure rate of cloning 
was recently spelled out in The Wall 
Street Journal by none other than John 
Cardinal O'Connor, the archbishop of 
New York: 

“The Scottish-cloned sheep, Dolly, 
came into being on the 300th attempt,” 
writes Cardinal O'Connor. "The first 
299 attempts essentially fell apart. 
Switch to human beings. The first tr 
blue-eyed. Only brown is acceptable. 
Boy wanted. Get rid of this girl. How 
many human beings will be destroyed 
before whose ideal is achieved? Who 
does the cloning? Who would own the 
clones? Are they to be marketed? Is the 
idea of clone slaves, or clones created 
to meet particular needs of warfare, 
ridiculous? I think not. I shudder.” 

O'Connor has good reason to shud- 
der. Suppose a music-loving couple de- 
cided they wanted to fill their home 
with the sounds of a child's laughter 
and the noble strains of Sergey Rach- 
maninoff. To facilitate this dream, they 
order up a clone of David Helfgott, the 
stammering, once mentally ill, loopy 
but lovable pianist depicted in the film 
Shine. But what happens if the first 
Helfgott clone, like the first Dolly 
clone, turns out to be a dud? What if 
he grows up to like Liszt? Or Garth 
Brooks? Or Marilyn Manson? Do they 
simply take him back to the shop and 
get another one? What kind of paper- 
work is involved? Do you get a full re- 
fund? Are the dud clones then shipped 
back to Australia? And how does thi 
stuff get handled by the IRS? That's 
not all. What happens if a second Helf- 
gott clone grows up to twitch or yodel 
instead of stammer? What if he talks 
like a mad Kiwi instead of a barmy 
Au: And what if hundreds of other 
movie buffs make a similar decision 
about the families they wish to raise? 
What happens to the teaching faculty 
at Juilliard 18 years from now when 
300 mentally ill Australian American 
pianists show up for class on the same 
day all because their parents fell under 
the irresistible spell of a heartwarming 
film from down under that celebrates 
the triumph of the human spirit and 
makes you want to stand up and cheer? 
Who's going to want to teach that class? 

Or suppose a couple seeks out a re- 
spectable bioengineering firm and re- 
quests a clone of Adam Sandler. The 
bioengineers try to manufacture a first 
clone, but it is not a complete moron, 
so they put it off to the side. The scien- 
tists try again, but the second attempt is 
also merely a partial moron, so they 
put it off to the side. The scientists keep 
trying and trying until they have creat- 
ed 299 semimoronic Adam Sandler 
clones. Then finally, after countless 
hours, they produce a perfect likeness 

(concluded on page 170) 


“I was just passing by and happened to have an erection." 


PLAYBOY 


64 


CHRISTOPHER WALKEN (continued from page 58) 


I found myself staring at him, like, Kid, should I eat 
you from your toes or from your nose? 


WALKEN: Honestly, that's like a movie. 
We had a scene in King of New York 
where there was a plate of cocaine, but 
I have never seen anything like that in 
my life. It was much more people sit- 
ting on couches, passing joints. I don't 
know if it's still like that. I hear all kinds 
of things about what people use. It's 
changed. The pills that put you in an 
ecstatic state— people didn't used to 
take pills. And I've heard that heroin 
is getting cheaper. That sounds pret- 
ty nasty. 

PLAYBOY: Is there a lot of jealousy 
among your peers? We've heard that 
you get jealous of men but not of wom- 
en. Truc? 

WALKEN: Not as an actor. In life, it's 
a guy taking away your girlfriend. 
Nowadays, getting older, I find myself 
around guys who are annoying be- 
cause they're a little too young, a little 
too good-looking, a little too sure of 
themselves. I'm like that with my wife. 
The other day we had a driver who was 
a young, good-looking guy. He was 
talking to her and I thought he wasa 
little cocky and flirty. I found myself 
staring at him, like, Kid, should I eat 
you from your toes or from your nose? 
PLAYBOY: Are you glad that you are not 
a woman? 

WALKEN: I'm glad I'm not a woman for 
à lot of reasons. Guys have a better 
deal, that's all there is to it. In every 
way. It's just better to be born a boy 
child. I'm not saying that men are bet- 
ter; it's just that men and women are 
very different. There is no comparison 
in terms of anything. That whole thing 
of giving birth? That's a frame of mind 
that’s impossible for a man to know. 
Getting a hard-on, that's something a 
woman will never understand. It has 
nothing to do with more or less or bet- 
ter or quality of mind, but it's like men 
have a better agent or something. They 
come into the world with a better shake 
at a career and all sorts of things. John 
Gielgud just had his 93rd birthday and 
had to rush off to do a shoot some- 
where. So he's working. That's what I 
want. I want to do a Pinter play when 
I'm 92. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever worry about that 
not happening? What is your great- 
est fear? 

WALKEN: I'm afraid of crazy people. I'm 
afraid of speeding cars. I’m afraid of 
accidents. I'm afraid of disease. I'm 
very nervous getting on the LA. free- 
ways with a driver. They drive so fast 


that if something were to happen you'd 
be creamed. The 50-mile-per-hour 
limit was very sensible. 

PLAYBOY: What's the most scared you've 
ever been? 

WALKEN: The time I was trapped in an 
elevator with an 800-pound gorilla. 
PLAYBOY: Seriously. 

WALKEN: Baudeiaire once said, “I have 
felt the wind of the wings of madness.” 
‘That happened to me once in my 40s 
and I got really scared. 

PLAYBOY: Did you need professional 
help? 

WALKEN: I tried that once, two or three 
visits. He was a very nice man, and I 
said to him, "I don't think this is the 
thing I should be doing." And he said, 
"I think you're right.” You have to have 
a sense of yourselt and a perspective on 
life, sometimes taking a broader view 
and realizing you can be more daring 
with your mind, not be so afraid, just. 
dive in. 

PLAYBOY: How far in does your mind 
take you sometimes? 

WALKEN: That's the problem—I found 
in my life that I was the least interest- 
ing when I was introspective. I did the 
least interesting work, I was the least 
interesting to be around. But a lot of 
my troubles were absolute bullshit 
compared with people who have can- 
cer or have had something happen to 
their family. 

PLAYBOY: Well, fecling the wings of. 
madness is pretty serious. 

WALKEN: Yeah, but all sorts of dopey 
people go crazy. Going crazy has a cer- 
tain amount of vanity connected to it. 
Realizing there's a sort of self-centered, 
whining thing in you—just be brave. 
Somebody said to me once, "We're all 
dealt a hand." Some people get dealt 
better hands than others. That's why 
it's no good to be jealous of others. 
Everybody's at the center of some- 
thing. The most you can do is to be 
your own unique self. 

PLAYBOY: After spending some time 
with you, it's impossible not to notice 
how fastidious you are. Are you ob- 
sessed with cleanliness? 

WALKEN: It’s funny you say that. To mc 
its an absolute necessity. Everybody 
should be that way. Cleanliness is a 
good thing. I'm very clean. I don't like 
things that aren't cleaned up. But I 
hardly use soap at all. I don't use a lot 
of soap because it makes me feel sticky. 
I don't like to use it in my hair—I usu- 
ally just run it under the water. 


PLAYBOY: Which housekeeping chores 
do you do? 

WALKEN: I do most of the cooking. My 
wife cleans. When I'm in a hotel I make 
my own food and I dean up, too. 
PLAYBOY: Why is everything good 
fattening? 

WALKEN: That's not true. The food I eat 
is good, and it’s not fatty. I'm sort of a 
Japanese-Italian cook. In California 
you can get Chilean sea bass, which I 
can't get back East. The Chinese say 
there’s only one way to cook fish— 
steam it. I take my collapsible steamer 
with me wherever I go. I cut the tops of 
leeks and steam them soft, then lay the 
sea bass on them and add a little dill, 
salt, pepper. When you take it out the 
sea bass flakes off in slabs. Absolutely 
divine. 

PLAYBOY: Do you chew gum? 

WALKEN: No. 

PLAYBOY: Eat chocolate? 

WALKEN: No. I don't do sugar. It has a 
chemical effect on me. There are very 
few things that get me tense. I can 
drink a lot of coffee. But if I have half a 
soda I get wired. 

PLAYBOY: How superstitious are you? 
WALKEN: Very. About everything. Not 
the standard stuff. My superstitions are 
mysterious and very powerful. They 
do not have names. I pay attention. 
PLAYBOY: Tell us a little more than that. 
WALKEN: I can't. You're saying don't be 
mysterious about something mysteri- 
ous. What I'm saying is, if I have a feel- 
ing, I obey it. 

PLAYBOY: If you could change one thing 
about yourself, what would it be? 
WALKEN: Га be more entrepreneurial. 
I'm lazy. I wish I could be more of a 
business guy. | admire that. I read the 
business section of The New York Times 
every week. I'm amazed by guys who. 
understand how companies are run. 
Managerial types of things. It's so for- 
eign to me. It's being like a general, 
which is sort of what directing is. Hav- 
ing a finger in many different pots and 
pies at the same time. 

PLAYBOY: Well, we've come to the end. 
Is there anything you regret talking 
about? 

WALKEN: There was one thing that 
bothered me, and it was my fault: when 
I said I'm 54 years old and the only 
person I know is Harry Dean Stanton. 
It’s the only thing I said that I wish I 
hadn't because it's not nice to Harry 
Dean, and I didn't mean it that way. 
It’s actually sort of the truth, but I 
don't want Harry Dean to take it the 
wrong way. 

PLAYBOY: Harry Dean should be hon- 
ored to be in such exclusive company. 
WALKEN: You think? 


SPORTS OSABES 


whether it's with a horse, a harley or a six iron, 
these women are out to win 


Beneath her racing silks, Stacey is a passionate woman who writes poetry and dreams abaut romance. “1 believe that someday my prince 
will come,” she soys. "Here's my fantasy: We'll ride horses into a posture in the maonlight, drink wine and look at the array af stars, Then 
I'd like ta buy some land, build a great house ond a huge born and grow old with my prince. Thinking about it makes my heart melt.” 


STACEY SWAYZE ror 27- 


year-old Texas native Stacey Denise 
Swayze, the decision to become a 
jockey was easy: "I love being out- 
side and I've owned horses all my 
life. Riding came naturally to me." 
She's just the right size, too: 52" and 
110 pounds. “I eat like it's going out 
of style,” she says, “but riding keeps 
me in shape. It uses every muscle in 
my body.” Stacey describes herself 
as a “tough competitor” and says 
nothing can keep her from jockey- 
ing—not even the accident she had 
in 1995, when her horse stumbled, 
she was thrown over its head and 
the horse ran over her. Her injuries 
included a torn biceps, a torn rota- 
tor cuff and a bone fracture, but 
Stacey was back on the track after a 
year of physical therapy. Chalk it up 
to her strong will. “I don’t ever want 
to be helpless,” Stacey says. “I can 
change a tire, or my oil. I have 
things under control. Besides, rid- 
ing gives me a feeling of freedom. I 
wouldn't be happy doing anything 
else. 1 don't want to go to heaven 
if there aren't any horses there!" 


66 


racer Nancy Delgado's life that's ordinary. For example, why 
she learned to ride a motorcycle (“I was tired of taking the sub- 
he says) or the way she and her fiancé fell in love (“1 
crashed in front of him, fractured my skull and that was it"). 
She was also the first woman to road-race a Harley-Davidson 
and the first female road racer in the U.S. to win a national 
championship, in 1995. Who needs normalcy when you can stir 
things up? "I've always been around controversy,” Nancy 
with a laugh second nature to me. Every track I go to, I 
get mobbed by the press, not because I’m a woman but because 
I'm a woman who is doing well in a male-dominated sport. 


Nancy became an amateur road racer in 1988 and went pro in 1991. Althaugh she's sitting this season out, waiting far a spansor, she's 
eager ta compete again. “At hame, l'm a girly girl, but an the track, l'm a tatal tomboy. I'm addicted ta speed and adrenaline!” 


A 
“People have misconceptions about femole golfers—that they can't play because their books get in the way or that they're all gay. It's 
ridiculous.” Lisa encourages young girls and working women to head to the links. "It's no longer only a men's sport,” she soys. "I'm a 
big advocate for women’s golf. | look up to the LPGA highly.” An instructional video, book ond calendor are next an her busy agenda. 


LISA ANN HORST nore 


to Tiger Woods: Next time you need 
a golf partner, call Lisa Ann Horst, a 
Ladies Professional Golf Association 
instructor from Pennsylvania. We 
guarantee she won't be intimidated 
Born into a family of avid duffers, 
~~ Lisa hit the links when she was seven 
and was competing by the age of 
nine. “When you have three brothers, 
you want to play better than they do,” 
she says. “My father saw my talent 
and tried to feed it.” His coaching 
worked—Lisa was the only girl on her 
high school golf team. Then came a 
scholarship to Penn State, where she 
earned a degree in exercise science 
and racked up a slew of wins, includ- 
ing the Pennsylvania Women’s Ama- 
teur, sponsored by the United States 
Golf Association. Now, when she’s not 
ïf spending 11 hours a day teaching, 

Lisa is hard to pin down. You might 

find her at the gym, on a Colorado ski 

slope or in Europe, scaling a crag 

with her husband, Eric, a world-class 

climber. And there's always www. 

horstnet.com/lisa ann, where you can 

® P view Lisa Ann's cyberspace golf site. 


70 


PLAYBOY 


74 


1 don't tape weddings. I'm an artist 
who uses film and videotape to create 
“moving canvases.” The Art in America 
review of the Whitney Biennial de- 
scribed my work as “certainly disturb- 
ing; whatever meaning can be discov- 
ered in these works is buried beneath 
layer upon layer of howling dogs, defe- 
cation noises, cockfight outtakes and 
orno ‘acting’ sequences. At its 
best it is blatantly primal and pagan— 
self-aggrandizement bordering on nar- 
cissism." That review resulted in my 
first sold-out installation show. 

"Who is she?" I asked Gwyn. 

"You met her. Blaine's solstice party, 
remember? You asked me about her." 

I did remember Louise Sanderson: 
her ineffable projection of power, a 
crackling certainty in the way she pos- 
sessed the room as soon as she entered 
it. Gwyn showed me a spread in Elle 
Decor, interior shots of Louise Sander- 
son's two-floor co-op apartment over- 
looking Central Park, an otherworldly 
version of life in New York. 

1 read the contract as the waiting 
courier fidgeted. An invitation and a 
timetable were attached, but still no 
destination. It was a short itinerary 
with few details—where to meet the 
plane and when we were to return to 
New York. “Wear tropical clothing and 
be prepared for insects,” the note said. 
A small Post-it note added, “Please use 
your discretion in completing this proj- 
ect. I leave it to you to edit the docu- 
ment as your artistic sensi сз sce 
fit.” It was signed "L.S." in a tight but 
florid scrawl. I signed in the marked 
places and removed the check for 
$25,000 for the upfront payment. After 
the courier left, I read the fine print; 
the contract stipulated that I could not 
make dubs of the tapes for my portfolio 
nor talk to any member of the press 
about anything I would see or hear. 
I would be sued into submission if I 
failed to live up to this contract. I 
should have demanded copyright, I re- 
alized, but I decided to make dubs any- 
way. Edit the document as your artistic sen- 
sibilities see fil, is what she wrote. As far 
as l'm concerned that is an open-end- 
ed contract, without limitations. 


The five-hour flight is uneventful. 
Gwyn passes out as soon as we've 
reached 30,000 feet, ber hand going 
limp in mine. She's been excited about. 
the mystery of an unknown destina- 
tion. Gwyn has always been into alter- 
native ways of looking at the world. She 
has acupuncture and exotic massages, 
mixes up foul-smelling tinctures and 
makes tea from raw herbs. These rem- 
edies often work, even on an extreme 
skeptic such as myself. 

Many of the people on this plane she 


met at her yoga class. They live in own- 
er-occupied, single-family brownstones 
in the Village and on the Upper East 
Side. Their dinner parties often end 
with interminable drumming circles 
and group massages or chants to some 
recently invented pagan goddess. I 
think of this crowd as a little sloppy. I 
find their thinking disorganized, with- 
out any theoretical or scientific basis. 
. 


It's 5:30 a.m. local time when the pi- 
lot announces our descent into a fog- 
covered Puerto Verde. The landing is 
perfect despite the fog and we taxi to- 
ward the tower, where we are met by 
military jeeps, armored personnel car- 
riers and a fleet of armored black 
Chevy Blazers whose headlights show 
dimly through the predawn fog. The 
air on the exit ramp is sentient, thick 
with smoke and diesel fumes. I am first. 
out of the plane, ready with my camera 
as the others descend. When I point it 
at Gwyn she shifts into runway swag- 
ger. Maybe it's the presence of the car- 
pet or the long straight walkway and 
the diamond-white light, but she's 
pouring it on, twisting her body and 
swaggering through the gantlet of sol- 
diers waiting at the bottom of the 
ramp. The soldiers are all shorter than 
the women climbing down from the 
planc. The officers in charge lean their 
heads together and whisper when they 
see me moving toward them with the 
camera on my shoulder. 

Louise Sanderson gets off last; walk- 
ing slowly down the gangplank, she 
gives a little movie-star wave, then adds 
a little wink meant just for me. My 
friend at the Times says that it's prewar 
Texas oil money that gives her all that 
autonomy and power. This security 
must have been expensive, but Gwyn 
says Louise has friends in the State De- 
partment. The man welcoming Louise 
at the bottom of the steps looks profes- 
sorial and anemic, not at all like a gen- 
eral or secret operative. Whoever he is, 
he's not an ambassador. There won't be 
any high-ranking government officials 
meeting this bunch of Americans. This 
event is not officially taking place, 
though I am already busy document- 
ing it. 

The airport road is encased in rein- 
forced concrete like a California river- 
bed. Contained and protected from 
view, this fortified bridge is without a 
breakdown lane, stop signs or speed 
markers. Fires burn on the horizon. 
We come to an elevated section of 
roadway where, spread out as far as the 
eye can see, there are the shacks of half 
a million or more people. Around the 
circumference are devastation and 
a shanty encampment after a nat- 
isaster—maybe an earthquake or 


a hurricane. The phrase is "indigenous 
population never recovered." Nothing 
on the horizon is more than ten feet 
tall, a vast plain of cardboard and tin 
houses, plastic sheeting nailed to scrap. 
wood, old trucks and cars. Television 
antennas sprout from many of the 
makeshift houses. Groups of people 
huddle around open fires. A helicopter 
gunship appears, flying flanking ma- 
neuvers to our left. Faces turn toward 
the sound of the chopper and express 
not shock nor wonder at the sight of 
this exotic bird but terror. Some people 
run, others are numb and defiant, like 
the wornan near the road who stands 
up and holds out a baby toward us. 
Her mouth is open and she's scream- 
ing something that makes the baby vi- 
brate at the ends of her arms. The mes- 
sage remains oblique as they disappear. 
in the roaring jump cut. 
. 


There is no gradual change as we en- 
ter the city. The rubble is built right up 
to and against the foundations of the 
high-rises and colonial buildings. The 
streets are empty of civilians. Bedrag- 
gled soldiers leaning against 50-caliber 
machine guns mounted on ancient 
jeeps watch over deserted intersec- 
tions. Solid concrete walls topped with 
broken glass and razor wire surround 
every important building, including 
the Buena Vista Intercontinental Ho- 
tel. The Blazers file into the under- 
ground parking garage at top speed, 
powering the brakes hard into the 
turns. Armed guards keep a wary eye 
on us until we've entered the private 
elevators. Gwyn and I get into an emp- 
ty one and a man wearing an earphone 
holds the door as Louise hustles in car- 
rying a kid-leather Italian handbag. 
She smiles at Gwyn. “Hi, darling,” she 
says, and leans ın to give her a uny 
peck on the cheek. I sense Gwyn tense 
up. Louise nods in my direction. “Hel- 
lo," she says, as if addressing the hired 
help. There is a tiny vibration on her 
upper lip, and the eye visible only to 
me winks again. She smiles, showing 
off porcelain of the highest quali 

“Is there a civil war going on here?" 
I ask Louise as the elevator door closes. 

“Not anymore," she says, putting her 
bag between her feet and moving er- 
rant hairs out of her face. “I believe this 
is how the rich protect themselves from 
the poor." She gives her head a shake, 
and the growl in her voice makes 
me laugh out loud. Gwyn looks at me, 
surprised. 

“Louise,” I ask, “I wonder whether 
we might discuss this project some 
more. Га like a clearer idea of what 
events you want me to record." 

"Record them all, starting now." 

(continued on page 163) 


"There she goes. She'll think Pm in the bar and won't miss me until I don't come to our 
cabin to dress for the Captain’s dinner.” 


75 


76 


PLAYBOY/ 


FALL & 
WINTER 
FASHION 
FORKCAS 


ASHION FLASH: This season's youth 
movement has nothing to do with age. 
It’s all about how you wear your suit. 
With stretch fabrics and earth-tone col- 
ors, designers are striving to create a 
suit with many lives, one for all occa- 
sions this side of a tailgate party. The 
same suit that will make you look good 
at work is also designed to project a 
young, fresh attitude. Simply add a 
style statement such as a clingy V-neck 
or a dark shirt and tie and act as if 
you're about to meet a woman. Ignore 
the setting or potential dry-cleaning 
bills. If you move around comfortably, 
the crowd will follow. In fact, women 
like suits so much, they're wearing 
them, too. Be really cavalier and loan 
her your jacket as a mini-bathrobe. 
The only style that won't work for the 
loose look is a double-breasted jacket— 
its too formal. Nightlife is getting 
dressier, the corporate world is grow- 
ing more relaxed and, thanks to long 
hours, casual Friday is looking an awful 
lot like Friday night. You can't dress up 
a pair of jeans (we tried that in the Sev- 
enties, thank you), but these days you 
can make a suit work better for you 
than your best one-liners. Your friends 
will be impressed with the results—just 
make sure your new ladyfriend returns 
your jacket after breakfast. 


DRESS THEM UP 
OR DRESS THEM 
DOWN— NEW 
DESIGNER SUITS 
ARE CASUAL COOL 


FASHION BY 


HOLLY 
WAYNE 


This is not your father's pinstripe. We se. 
lected three different styles of the venera- 
ble suit to show that it’s not just for 
bankers anymore. Facing page: On the 
left, a horizontally striped turtleneck 
($270) provides a subtle contrast to the 
navy wool suit ($1100); both are by Joop. 
The jacket is a three-button job and the 
flat-front pants are loose-fitting and 
drapey. The round-toe loafers (by To Boot 
New York Adam Derrick, $285) and the 
belt (by 80ss Hugo Boss, $125) are made 
of calfskin. The flanker to the right is also 
sporting a three-button suit ($1700). It’s 
by Ermenegildo Zegna, and this time the 
pants have a double pleat. The dress shirt 
(5225) from the Calvin Klein Collection 
has a snap collar. Boss Hugo Boss did the 
brown tie ($85); the matching leother 
loofers come from Prada ($495). She’s 
wearing o suit by Whistles of London at 
Showroom Seven, boots by Patrick Cox, a 
tie by Camouflage and not much else. 


At left, this cholk-stripe suit is topped by a 
one-button jocket. The outfit is by Donna 
Karan Collection: The jacket ($1395) and 
matching wide-cut pants ($595) can be 
bought separately. The iridescent shirt 
costs $350, the dork tie is $90. The one- 
button stance is back this year. It presents 
a narrow wedge of shirt, elongates the 
torso and makes you look taller. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


Facing page: For a suit that counts, 
look to Boss Hugo Boss. Stay with us, 
now. lis a three-piece suit made of 
wool stretch; the jacket is single- 
breasted and hos four buttons; the vest 
has six buttons; the pants have one 
plect. It all adds up to $1050 ond 
looks even richer thanks to the wild 
mock turtleneck by Missoni ($610). 
This season, low-cut turtlenecks and 
shallow V-necks lend an energetic air 
to your outfit—everyone should own at 
least one. The trick is to treat the most 
elegant garment in your wardrobe as if 
it were sportswear. Of course, for this 
approach to work it helps to stick with 
solid tones. The wool mélange, four- 
button suit ($990) and olive wool T- 
shirt ($150) on this page are from the 
Calvin Klein Collection. The wool V- 
neck—let's coll it pumpkin—gives the 
outfit pop. It's by Ermenegildo Zegna 
and costs $650. One reason suits 
hove supplanted sports jackets this 
season is that you can always wear 
the top alone. Also, if you wear the 
full ensemble at times when you 
would normally wear a sports jocket, 
you'll elevate your look without 
appecring uptight. It's more of a 
European notion. Boa girl is 
wearing a sweater by Han Feng; 
the smiling beauty on this page is 
wearing a dress by Calvin Klein. 


78 


Pick up the pace. Emporio Ar- 
moni joins the porty with a 
wool-ond-viscose suit and dou- 
ble-pleoted pants (this page, 
left; $895). Notice how the one- 
button jocket displays the em- 
broidered shirt (also Empori 
moni, $290). The squore-toed 
locfers by To 8001 New York 
Adam Derrick cost $255; the 
rose-tinted sunglosses are by 
Paul Smith Spectacles from Oli- 
ver Peoples ($240). This season 
also marks the return of tweed 
{right). With such modern ele- 
ments as o three-button jacket 
and o stretch fabric of wool and 
cashmere, the Donegal tweed 
suit by Boss Hugo Boss ($950) 
comes olive paired with a royol 
blue Boss Hugo Boss shirt 
($125) and tie from Protocol by 


Robert Tolbott ($105). For o min- 
imalist opproach (at left on the 
facing page), we've matched a 
three-button flonnel suit ($1530) 
with a poplin oxford shirt ($303) 
and a solid silk tie ($98). The 
outfit is by Prada. The three-but- 
ton suit by Trussordi at far right 
($2145) has flat-front ponts and 
is made of conservotive wool 
twill. The calfskin belt is by Boss 
Hugo Boss ($125). The suit is set 
off by o striped wool-blend 
V-neck from Ermenegildo Zegna 
($250) for a loose, debonair 
look. It's for the mon who knows 
the basics but is not, to twist a 
phrase from Seinfeld, a suit nozi. 


HAIR BY GABRIEL SABA FOR JOHN SAHAG WORKSHOP NYC 


w STYLING BY ANTONIO BRANCO FOR TRILISE 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 160 


82 


SEARCH ENGINE WILL TAKE 
YOU TO ALL THE WRONG PLACES. 
THAT?S WHY YOU NEED US 


BY CHIP ROWE 


ADULT MOVIES |. 
@ THE ADULT Movie FAQ 
hup://w3.gu.net/director/faq 

So you want to be a porn star? Jeff 
Knapp’s Frequently Asked Questions 
document tackles the basics, including 
questions such as “How much do the 
actors make?” “Why do porn babes 
wear shoes all the time?” and “Who 
writes those groovy soundtracks?” 


€» BRANDY ALEXANDRE 
Home Pace 
http://www.kamikaze.org 
Most porn starlets' pages are poorly 
disguised commercial sites. Brandy's is 
homemade. That this Webmistress ap- 
peared in Bend Over Bales and Honey, I 
Blew Everybody just gives her something 
to write about. 


ФЭ Nina HARTLEY 
HOME PAGE 

http://www.nina.com 

Nina's site includes a friendly FAQ, an 
arucle she wrote titled “Frustrations of 
a Feminist Porn Star” and a link to U.S. 
News & World Report, which put her on 
its cover for a report on the business of 
porn. Don't miss the great photo be- 
hind those piercing green eyes. 


BACK TO BASICS 
€» Erst Time 
http://myfirsttime.com 

More than 1300 surfers, ranging from 
a 66-year-old recalling her deflowering 
behind a gas station 50 years ago to a 
teenager writing about а tryst on his 
parents’ bed, describe the first time 
they had sex. 


O Jackin’! Мово 


http://www.jackinworld.com 

Dedicated to former Surgeon General 
Joycelyn Elders, this site offers an ex- 
pert guide to successful masturbation. 


€9 THe Society FOR THE 
RECAPTURE OF 
MIRGINITY 


http://www.thebluedot.com/srv 

You can't go back—or can you? Peruse 
the fact sheet about virginity (food 
tastes better to virgins; Donald Trump 
started off as a virgin), the heartfelt tes- 
timonials of former nonvirgins and a 
forum where surfers discuss their first 
and second first times. 


http://www.mindspring.com/~hobrad/ 
andmain.htm 

Ron Ecker's dictionary of sex in the 
Bible includes fair-minded discussions 
of what the good book says and doesn't. 
say about issues such as contraception, 
virginity, prostitution and the out- 
landish sexual tastes of King Solomon. 


O THe Love TEACHINGS 
DE Kama SUTRA/THE 
PERFUMED GARDEN 

http://www bibliomania.com 

Short-attention-span surfers: Kama Su- 

tra, part two, chapter six; Perfumed Gar- 

den, chapter six. 


© PLavsov 


http://www.playboy.com 
Visit for the articles. 


PAINTING BY ED PASCHKE 


comics 

@ THE WarPED WORLD 
DE ERITZZ 

http://www. fritzz.com 
Follow the energetic and immoral ad- 
ventures of Nick Fits: Private Dick!, 
Alien Sex Fiend, Puss and Boots and Mal- 
ice in Wonderland. Fritzz also offers tips 
on how to create your own digitally en- 
hanced erotica. 


-— A A 
FETISHES 

@ THE LONG HAIR SITE 

http;//www.tlhs.org. 

Frank Ploenissen's home page includes 

photos of women with long hair, in- 

terviews with long-haired women and 

links to the home pages of women who 

happen to have long hair. 


® Naver Base 
http://nightspy.com/navelbase 

An archive of photos of female belly 
buttons, along with erotic stories about 
navel sightings, trivia (Barbara Eden 
was never allowed to show hers on J 
Dream of Jeannie) and even poetry (“I 
offered my belly as a bowl .. ."). 


HANGOUTS 
© Bianca's SMUT SHACK 
http://bianca.com 
Join hundreds of other "biancanauts" 


as they discuss sex and other perver- 
sions. (First stop: the sacrificial altar.) 


© HEARTLESS’ НО ЕУ 

Haven 
http://www.aimnet.com/~mijo/HHH. 
html 
"This site includes the hilarious and di- 
vinely illustrated Stupid Penis Tricks 
page, thoughts from adventurous wom- 
en on what they'd do if they had a pe- 
nis for a day and tips for enjoying bet- 
ter “cuntilingus.” 

JUST FOR FUN 
© Bases ON THE Wes 
http://www.toupsie.com/BABE. html 
At last count, Rob Toups' site included 
links to the home pages of more than 
400 Web babes. In his FAQ, Toups ex- 
plains he created the site “to bring 
about the termination of the Clinton 
administration through excessive Web 
browsing by government officials.” 


@ FLasH Mountain 

http://www.thatguy.com/splash 

Near the end of Disneyland's Splash 
Mountain, a mounted camera snaps a 
souvenir photo of riders that they can 
purchase as they exit. Occasionally an 
exhibitionist bares her breasts at just 
the right moment. Disney employees 


typically destroy such shots, but at least 
13 have slipped through the cracks. 


© URBAN LEGENDS: Sex 
http://snopes.simplenet.com/sex 

By now you've heard of the amorous 
couple rushed to the hospital because 
of penis captivus, or the woman im- 
pregnated after a bullet had passed 
through a man's testicle and into her 
abdomen. This site collects the tales that 
always happen to a “friend of a friend.” 


rere er ee СЗ 
RELATIONSHIPS 
® Cyrano Server 


http //www.nando.net/toys/cyrano.html 
Fill in the blanks to write a love letter 
or dump someone on her ass. 


© “1 Jusr want ro Be 
FRIENDS" 

http://www.wizard.net/—joelogon/ 

platonic 

"The care and feeding of your new pla- 

tonic female friend. 


nm en — 
SEX ENHANCERS 


€) GOOD VIBRATION 


besides sex-toy home shopping, is 
founder Joani Blank's Antique Vibra- 
tor Museum. 


€) JoHan’s GUIDE TO 
APHRODISIACS 

hup://www.santesson.com/aphrodis 

An entertaining guide to love potions, 

induding recipes for such do-me dish- 

es as spicy onion paste and fennel soup. 


_——--————— — 
SEXUAL EDUCATION 
€ THe ADULT FAQ 
WEBSITE 
hup://www.adultfaq.com 


A collection of links to the sexual in- 
struction manuals of the Net. 


€ Go Ask ALICE 
http://www.columbia.cdu/cu/hcalth 
wise/alice.html 

"The next best thing to The Playboy Advi- 
sor. The Columbia University Health 
Service answers questions posed by vis- 
itors to the site, from "What is the mis- 
sionary position?" to "Which parent 
carries the gene for penis size?" 


O) THe SAFER Sex PAGE 


http://www.goodvibes.com 
The highlight of the Good Vibes site, 


BARING 


A. One size bigger than your head. 
Q. Do guys make comments when you are out shopping or on a beach? 
A. Most guys are friendly. It's the women who are nasty. Most of the time, 
they're 200-pound Hostess Twinkies who wish they looked like I do. I have 
seen women strike their husbands or boyfriends for looking twice at me. 


http://www.safersex.org 
You gotta have it. 


IT ALL 


€D Society FOR HUMAN 
SEXUALITY 
http://weber.u.washington.edu/~sfpse 
This volunteer group maintains hun- 
dreds of files on sexual activism, sex 
books and movies, massage, nudism, 
“nonmonogamy,” prostitution, spiritu- 
al sex, toys, bondage, body modifica- 
tion, censorship, regional resources, 
organizations, mail-order suppliers, 
etc. Its huge archive is a reminder that 
sex can be a noun, verb or adjective. 


STILL KINKY? 


вору Poma 
hitp://the.arc.co.uk/body 

A British Web zine that examines the 
meeting points of politics and sex. 


Messy Fun 
hitp://www.messyfun.com 

Photos and video clips of women cov- 
ered with mud, chocolate, mustard or 
whatever substance might be handy. 


GIRLS Уно EAT Riss 
hitp://gwer.com 

Includes a saucy pictorial called “Fast 
Hot Delivery.” 


WEL 


hup://www.blowfish.com 

A catalog of sex toys, journals and ob- 
jets d'art (an erotic cross-stitch design, 
a vulva hand puppet, rubber stamps). 


EROS COMIX 
http://www.eroscomix.com 

You have to like a site that includes 
navigation buttons such as MORE SMUT! 
and PREVIOUS SMUT. 


Mite HIGH CLUB 
http//www.milehighelub.com/tales 
Stories of great in-flight sex, including 
the flight number and arrival time (of 
the plane). 


INTERNET x 


hutp://www.radiosex.com 

Because the show originates in Canada 
and airs over the Net, the FCC is not 
involved. 


FIND Your OWN 


KINKY FLAVORS 


http://www.viaverde.com 
Mistress Blanca and Peter's helpful 


Q. Who are some of your friends among the big-breasted girls? guides to finding sex info online. 
A. Kayla Kleevage, Kimberly Kupps, Nikki Knockers, Tawny Peaks, Staci 

Staxx, Traci Topps—I like all of them. NAUGHTY Linx 

Q. What do you do in your free time? nein 


A. Lam a gourmet cook and I like working in my garden. I grow lots of veg- 


if Because sex sites come and go, Naugh- 
etables in my backyard. 8 gh 


ty Linx checks addresses every few 
hours to make sure they're still valid. 


When Jean-Claude Maillard came to America from Switze 
land in 1988, he tried his hand at magazine photography. “It 
was my dream," says the former antique-car dealer. Today 
Maillard shuttles between Manhattan and Beverly Hills, and 


FLAN BION GALE ERIN 


his work appears throughout the advertising community, 
where his clients include Neiman Marcus and Avon. But we 
took a shine to his less-dressed work. The two chassis pic- 
tured here: a model named Meg Register and a 1953 Caddy. 


85 


WHEELS. 
SPORT UTILITIES, HOT SEDANS, COUPES y 
AND ROADSTERS: TODAY'S CAR BUYERS ARE " ^98 
SERIOUS ABOUT DRIVING FUN 


BY KEN Nac " 


E - — 


T 
or 1998, $40,000 will get you into a pretty exclu- 
sive club. !s'toughly the price of the Mer- 
cedes-Benz M N- sport utility vehicle, or the 
Benz SLK roadster (with a hard top that does 

a disappearing act worthy of David Copperfield), or 

Porsche's equally exotic Boxster two-seater, or Ply- 

mouth's purple street-eater, the Prowler. In fact, the mod- 

el years that will end thecenfüry rank with the early Six- 
ties, when Jaguar introduced the XKE, Carroll Shelby 


debuted his AC Cobra, Ford gave birth to the Mustang, 
Chevrolet spawned the Corvette Sting Ray, and Dodge 
Chargers, Plymouth Barracudas and Pontiac GTOs ruled 
the passing lanes. What's gratifying today is that even 
though we're paying more than ever for a new car (the av- 
erage cost is over $20,000), we’re getting plenty of bang 
for our buck. Beginning with our fisherman's friend, the 
M-Class All-Activity Vehicle, here’s what all the excite- 
ment is about. The biggest trend in new cars remains 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


German automotive passion has 
come,to Alabama and the good-ol’ 
boys are into a lot more than trout 

fishing. Pictured here: Mercedes-Benz” 

new Bama-horn sport utility vehicle, 
the-M-Class. Good catch, Bubba. 


PLAYBOY 


sport utility vehicles. With more than 
2.1 million units sold in 1996, the craze 
shows no sign of stopping—and the 
new Mercedes-Benz M-Class model 
should be onc of the top sellers. Even 
before the M-Class became dinosaur 
bait in Steven Spielberg's The Lost 
World: [urassic Park, Mercedes had been 
getting plenty of orders. 

"The Benz is far from a warmed-over 
light truck. Its rigid body-on-frame 
platform supports an all-new 3.2-li- 
ter aluminum 215-horsepower V6 en- 
gine—a first for Mercedes-Benz. While 
the production model is tamer than the. 
showcar (which featured enormous 
wheels, aggressive tires and extensive 
side-body cladding), the newest Benz 
still looks tough. And with 233 pounds- 
per-foot of torque at a low 3000 rpm, 
this 4200-pound middleweight will 
hold its own in rock climbing and still 
haul a 5000-pound trailer. 

Ride and handling continue Mer- 
cedes-Benz autobahn tradition, thanks 
to the car's compliant four-wheel in- 
dependent suspension. (Most 
SUVs use solid rear axles.) An 
electronically controlled all- 
wheel-drive system, called 
4ETS, allows uninterrupted 
travel without annoying jounc- 
ing. On the road, the five- 
speed automatic makes nearly 
imperceptible shifts. 

Slightly shorter in length, 
wider and taller than the Ford 
Explorer (America's top-selling 
SUV), the M-Class can be 
transformed into a comfortable 
seven-seater with an optional 
third seat (available later) 
And, of course, it incorporates 
the styling and safety amenities 
you expect from Mercedes. Be- 
cause the M-Class is built in Al- 
abama, it'sa lot cheaper than it 
would be if it were made in 
Germany. If the company can 
keep the M-Class’ price in the $35,000 
to $40,000 range as promised, sales 
should be outstanding. 


OFF-ROAD COPYCATS 


In the rush to build competitive 
sport utilities, not every manufacturer 
started with a clean slate. Lexus al- 
ready sells the $50,000-plus LX450, an 
upgraded version of Toyota's venera- 
ble Land Cruiser. Just in time to battle 
the M-Class, Lexus will release a small- 
er V6 sport utility, the SLV, which will 
be called the RX300. By any name, 
the vehicle is based on the top-selling 
ES300 sedan, with a drive train similar 
to that of the Celica All-Trac rally car 
sold in Europe. 

Dodge will soon be selling the Dako- 
ta pickup-based Durango SUV—a ve- 
hicle that has long been a source of 


controversy among dealers and rival 
Jeep retailers (who fanatically protect 
their profitable Grand Cherokee fran- 
chises). Chrysler management finally 
gave in, arguing that the expanding 
SUV market had room for both name- 
plates. The Durango has the Ram's 
grille and a choice of engines, includ- 
ing a 5.9-liter Magnum V8. Optional 
eight-passenger seating makes the Du- 
rango an effective family vehicle. 

Subaru will introduce the Forester— 
a station wagon-based, 14.5-foot-long 
challenger to Honda’s CRV and Toy- 
ota’s RAV4. Priced about $20,000, the 
Forester has the brawny look of a 
truck, the ride and handling of a wag- 
on and the economy of Subaru's 2.5- 
liter 16-valve boxer engine. Smart mon- 
ey says the Forester will extend the 
company’s winning streak. 

In addition, a Legacy four-door 
sedan with trim and equipment bor- 
rowed from the highly successful Out- 
back series is currently being tested by 
Subaru. Three hundred prototypes 


The M-Class’ interior is more luxe than those of most SUVs, 
with deep bucket seats in the front and a backseot for three 
thot adjusts fore ond off for more legroom or cargo space. 
Options and dealer-instolled accessories are also plentiful. 


were produced in 1997 at the request 
of Subaru New England. If the re- 
sponse is positive enough, Subaru may 
begin full production of the vehicle. 

Where's the sport utility business go- 
ing? Ford’s Expedition is gaining on 
GM's Suburban. Dodge has given up 
on a full-size Ram-based SUV. Jeep has 
two promising showcars: an ultralight- 
weight Jeep and a smart-looking four- 
door with Paris-Dakar racing accents 
(called, not surprisingly, the Dakar). 
Even BMW. Cadillac and Jaguar are 
considering building their own SUV 
variations. 

Volvo has just introduced the V70 
All-Wheel Drive Sportswagon. It's a 
conventional front-wheel-drive vehicle 
on dry roads, but when the going gets 
rough and road conditions deteriorate 
or become slippery, its AWD system au- 


tomatically transfers into four-wheel 
. You get the best of both worlds— 
SUV traction combined with Volvo's 
other strong points: ride, handling, 
comfort, safety and performance. The 
price will be about $35,000, and AWD 
won't be offered in other Volvo models. 


COUPE DE GRACE 


Aerodynamic 2--2 personal coupes 
are another hot trend. We've driven 
the Volvo C70—the same model car 
Val Kilmer pilots in The Saint. With a 
turbocharged 236-hp engine, this sleek 
coupe rides as good as it looks. The 
stylish Mercedes-Benz CLK320 coupe 
is coming this fall (with a converti- 
ble version following). The CLK has 
the company's powerful new V6 and 
boasts a driver-adaptive five-speed au- 
tomatic transmission. At $40,000. it 
sells for less than half the price of the 
current S-Class coupe. Lexus has up- 
dated its SC300/400s. Volkswagen's 
dome-topped С] coupe showcar may 
make it into production. And if tradi- 
tion’s your thing, there are a 
new Firebird Trans Am (with 
enough side cladding to recall 
the supercars of the Seventies) 
and a Camaro redo that packs 
a 305-hp version of the new 
Corvette LSI's V8. 


TOPLESS FOR TWO. 


If you have $35,000 or 
$45,000 to spend, five au- 
tomakers are eager to sell you 
a roadster. Industry watchers 
feel the existence of five differ- 
ent two-seaters is all the more 
remarkable because sales of 
the main competition, Maz- 
da's Miata, have peaked 
Three of Germany's top car- 
makers, for example, offer 
their own versions of fun in 
the sun at nearly twice the Mi- 
ata's $20,000 price. In 1998 
BMW will stuff an even hotter 240-hp 
six-cylinder into its Z3 for an M road- 
ster version. Porsche's Boxster will get 
a 245-hp muscle transplant (up 44 hp). 
And Mercedes-Benz is expected to 
shoehorn a V6 into its 185-hp super- 
charged SLK. 

You may want to consider the new 
Corvette C5 for the same money. Virtu- 
ally all new, the C5 is the best Corvette 
ever built—from its 345-hp V8 to its 
strong, hydraulically formed frame 
rails and clever six-speed, rear-mount- 
ed transaxle. If a coupe isn't to your 
liking, a convertible version will appear 
in 1998. 

The last entry in this quintet is Ply- 
mouth's $39,000 hot rod, the Prowler. 
While it's not the most powerful car, it 
turns more heads than Angie Everhart 
(concluded on page 159) 


89 


"Of course the HMO never stops bitching about my electricity bills!" 


MiSS DESTINY 


brush up on your smile and say hello to a dental hygienist turned starlet 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


Nikki made her mark on pop cul- -'- have had two careers already. I can't wait to see what comes next,” says Nikki 
ture on our August cover, os well Schieler. Whatever her future holds, it's bound to be as golden as Miss Septem- 
оз appearing in many calendars ber herself, a former dental assistant who has plenty to smile about. 

and ads. But if you spot her in the A sizzling modeling career brought acting offers, which led the Norwalk, California 
gym, don't count on getting her native to Hollywood's doorstep. (Maybe you saw her on Beverly Hills 90210 or The 
to be yaur spotter, too. Newly- Young and the Restless.) And on the Fourth of July, actor Ian Ziering of 90210 fame 


wed Nikki is a one-man woman. carried Nikki over the threshold. "It was love at first sight," she says. "We keep each 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


Miss September was dying to get out of swimsuits. "1 
enjoyed modeling, but octing is my destiny. It's more 
intimate, more artistic,” she says. Nikki prizes intima- 
cy at home, too. While laughter is her favorite ophro- 
disiac—"You can lough ond be sexy"—she doesn't 
Stop there. “I also have scads of killer 


other laughing, and [ think that’s the sexiest thing of all.” 

Five years ago, Nikki hada life-changing chat with a psychic, who read 
tea leaves to tell her future. Miss September was then an assistant dental 
hygienist in suburban Brea, California, about 30 miles outside Los An- 
geles. “I didn't mind working with teeth. In fact, 1 liked my job,” she 
says. "But 1 couldn't help thinking there was something more for me." 
The fortune-teller agreed. "She told me, ‘I see you on magazine covers. 
1 see you on TV.” Spurred by this vision and by countless friends who 
said she was prettier than any fashion model, Nikki embarked on career 
number two. Soon she was a premiere swimsuit model. 

The down-in-the-mouth girl from Brea made string bikini fans come 
unstrung in calendars and catalogs shot on location in Hawaii and Tahi- 
ti. "I never met a swimsuit I didn't like," she says. Indeed, Nikki is to 
beaches what Tiger Woods is to the links. Everyone comments on her 
blonde, high-cheekboned perfection, a result of her Norwegian and Na- 
tive American heritage. "I'm a Norwindian," she says. And now a Zier- 
ing, too. She and Ian cocoon in their Los Angeles retreat. Nikki says she 


To get closer to Nikki, you can call the Playboy Super Hotline, See page 148 for deiails. 


wants to have kids and do some serious acting, "not neces- 
sarily in that orde 

"The last time Nikki ate Chinese food, her fortune cookie 
read, "Your dream of happiness will soon come true." She 
and Ian taped that slip of paper to a photo of Nikki in their 
home in the hills not far from the HOLLYWOOD sign. She 
spent her last prenuptial days auditioning for film roles, 


shooting magazine covers and overcoming her fear of pos- 
ing nude for PLAYBOY. “The secret is to striptease,” she says. 
“I had never posed nude, but hasn't every woman tried a 
striptease for her man? I had a pretty good idea of how to do 
that.” In a flash she was posing sans suit. Nikki says she en- 
joyed it so much she wouldn't mind doing it again. "What- 
ever comes next, it's going to be an adventure. I'm ready." 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


мне JURA Snhieler 
aus DO ars AD ms A 
ne aa сы | 19 


BIRTH pare: OA T отан ON orwalk C a oen a 
arsrrions: Lo loe the Sole source of р0гоаьле bor muy 


Sol 
Turn-ons: Omar Of humor, aqt ipa, A lara —— 
TURNOFFS: i 1 A 
MY FUTURE: Bu. the ee IN le 
Ж З > " 
ALY t : 


PASSIONS: 


FAVORITE ZIP cope: 10210 


M x а E "m 
FAVORITE TUNE: Mot Child uno Oh 4 В 
5 A 5, 


IDEAL DATE: 


— 
га 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


On the first day of school, the college dean 
addressed the freshman class to explain some 
of the campus rules. “The women's dormitory 
is off-limits to male students and the men's 
dormitory is off-limits to female students," he 
intoned. "Anybody caught breaking this rule 
will be fined $20 the first time, $60 the second 
time and $180 the third time. Does anyone 
have any questions?" 

A male student raised his hand. “How much 
fora season pass?" 


Р. уво cuassıc: A flea had oiled up his little 
flea legs and his little flea arms and was soak- 
ing up the Miami sun when an old flca fricnd 
of his walked by. “Oscar, what happened to 
you?" asked the first flea when he saw how ter- 
rible his friend looked—runny nose, red eyes, 
teeth chattering. 

“I got a ride down here in some biker's mus- 
tache and nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed 
Oscar. 

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first 
flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the air- 
port, get up on the toilet scat and when a stew- 
ardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. 
Got it?" 

A month later, while stretched out on the 
beach, the flea saw Oscar again, looking more 
chilled and miserable than before. “I did 
everything you said,” Oscar explained. “I went 
to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect land- 
ing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off.” 

“And so?” asked the first flea. 

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this 
guy's mustache again!” 


When does Michael Jackson's kid know that 
it's time to go to bed? The big hand touches 
the little hand. 


An old lady—a spinster and a virgin, and 
proud of it—lived in a tiny village. She knew 

er last days were approaching, so she told the 
local undertaker that she wanted the following 
inscription on her tombstone: BORN A VIRGIN, 
LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. 

Not long after she had made her wish 
known, the old maid died peacefully in her 
sleep. The undertaker told the stonecutters of 
the lady's request. The men, practical to a 
fault, thought about the inscription and con- 
cluded that it was unnecessarily long. They 
wrote simply: RETURNED UNOPENED. 


Recorpep MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: “Hello, wel- 
come to the psychiatric hotline. 

“If you are obsessive-compulsive, please 
press one repeatedly. 

“If you are co-dependent, please ask some- 
one to press two. 

“If you have multiple personalities, please 
press three, four, five and six. 

“If you are paranoid-delusional, we know 
who you are and what you want. Stay on the 
line until we can trace your call. 

“If you are schizophrenic, listen careful- 
ly and a little voice will tell you which number 
to press. 

“If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't mat- 
ter which number you press. No one will 
answer.” 


What's a female bisexual? A lesbian with car 
trouble. 


While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to 
take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading 
home. Her husband waited while she took a 
spin. The wheel went round and round and 
suddenly the woman was thrown out. She 
landed in a heap at her husband's feet. He 
gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he 
asked. 

“Of course I'm hurt!” she replied. “Three 
times around and you didn't wave once.” 


Mey llamar 


What's the difference between a radical fe 
nist and a shopping cart? A shopping cart will, 
on occasion, display a mind of its own. 


THiS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: A lit- 
tle boy walked in on his parents in the heat 
of their lovemaking. “Mommy, what are you 
doing?” 

"Um," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat 
that I'm bouncing all the air out of him.” 

“I don't know what good it's going to do,” 
the boy replied. "The lady next door is just go- 
ing to blow him up again!" 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned, 


103 


PLAY B.O.Y.’.S ' 


ELECTRONIC 
PLAYGROUNDS . 


| ШС": 
я arb ыт. 
a wm» hd 


DIGITAL, 
DIGITAL, 
DIGITAL— 
IT’S GETTING 
BETTER ALL 
THE TIME 


sed to be that buying a new VCR 

or cassette deck earned you 

bragging rights, These days, 
analog is ancient—it’s the digital stuff 
that counts. Take the new five-inch dig- 
ital video disc format. Besides doubling 
a VHS movie’s 250 lines of resolution, 
DVD’s vast storage capacity (4.7 giga- 
bytes per disc) enables you to, among 
other things, watch a movie in letterbox 
or pan-and-scan format and listen to it 
in a variety of languages in crystal-clear 
Dolby Digital Surround. Direct broad- 
cast satellite television is another digi- 
tal frontier, as is high-definition televi- 
sion. Yes, the latter is finally arriving. 
Broadcasters are promising HD pro- 


gramming next fall, and television sets 
will cost between $5000 and $10,000. In 
the meantime, you can impress your 
buddies with a TV that hangs on the wall. 
Four-inch-thick plasma televisions by 
QFTV (pictured below), Mitsubishi and 
others are already available. Other dig- 
ital ways to dress up your home: Take a 
minidisc player for a run on your tread- 
mill (the tiny recordable disc format 
never skips). Unclutter your desktop 
with a notebook computer that's as pow- 
erful as many full-size machines. Listen 
to a CD while preparing yourself a dou- 
ble espresso. Or become an auteur in 
the boudoir with a camcorder that 
records a flawless digital picture. 


THE HOME OFFICE (opposite): Equally suited for road or desktop, Gateway 
2000's new Solo 9100 notebook computer features an extra-large (13.3-inch) ac- 
tive matrix screen, a 166-megahertz MMX processor, 64 megs of RAM and a three- 
gig hard drive, plus a 33.6 kbps modem and a removable bay that combines a 
floppy disc drive and 12-speed CD-ROM drive. The price: about $6000. It's pic- 
tured with Altec Lansing's ACS55 multimedia speakers ($200) and the Worldtalk 
Internet Phone ($50), which can make local or long-distance calls over the Net. 
THE MEDIA ROOM (below): No longer just a Jetsons fantasy, wall-hanging 
television sets are big news for big spenders. QFTV's 42-inch Flat Screen model 
weighs 72 pounds and costs about $19,000. We've matched it with JBL’s equally 
sleek Simply Cinema ESC550, an integrated home theater sound system with five 
speakers, a subwoofer and the Source, a combination Dolby Pro Logic Surround 
processor, single-disc CD player and AM/FM tuner. The price: about $1700. 


THE GYM (top left): Japanese 
and European audiophiles love 
the minidisc—and so do we. 
The recordable digital format is 
smaller than a computer floppy 
disc, is protected by a tough 
plastic casing and has a memo- 
ry chip that ensures nonstop 
playback over the roughest ter- 
rain. Sony's newest MD head- 
turner is the $470 MZ-E30. 
Slightly larger than the 2%-inch 
blank minidiscs pictured, the 
MZ-E30 is a playback-only 
model that gets up to ten hours 
on one AA battery. 


THE KITCHEN (bottom left): 
With Proton's KS-530CD AM/FM 
dock radio and compact disc 
player installed under your 
cabinets, you'll have plenty of 
countertop space for a primo 
espresso machine such as 
Krups’ dual-cup Espresso Maxi- 
mo ($355). Stereo speakers built 
into the $250 KS-530CD provide 
exceptional sound. Other fea- 
tures include 20 station presets, 
а countdown timer and an alarm 
that beeps or plays music. (Also 
pictured is Krups' Chrome Touch 
Coffee Grinder, $45.) 


THE BEDROOM (Opposite, 
top to bottom): When sleep is 
the last thing on your mind, 
Panasonic's new PV-D710 Palm- 
corder is a $2500 digital diver- 
sion that records video footage 
at 500 lines of resolution with 
the sound quality of a compact 
disc. You can view your work (or 
play) on Proton's 27-inch NT- 
2920 stereo TV ($1000). If you 
prefer more passive entertain- 
ment, pop PLAYBOY's 1997 

of the Year digital 

video disc ($25) into RCA's 
RC5500P DVD player ($700). 


108 


о 


IS 
ame 


WHEN FRED GOLDMAN TRIED TO REMIND 


US HOW STRONG A FATHER'S LOVE CAN BE, 


WE DIDN’T REALLY NOTICE 


PROFILE BY JDE MORGENSTERN 


несорѕ never had to put 
up barricades in front of the weathered blue and gray build- 
ing at 11663 Gorham Avenue in Brentwood. Ron Gold- 
man's apartment was not a stop on the grisly death tour 
that drew legions of traffic-snarling gawkers to the white 
Mediterranean-style condo at 875 South Bundy, or to the 
sprawling gated mansion at 360 North Rockingham. To a 
nation stoned on celebrity and ravenous for tales of riches, 
beauty and power, Ron Goldman was a name without an 
address, a smiling face without a lurid story. In the wake of 
the double murder on the night of June 12, 1994 the young 
waiter at Mezzaluna, the nice guy who returned the pair of 
glasses, the chance victim of unimaginable circumstances, 
remained that and not much more in the public's aware- 
ness: waiter, friend and victim, a minor character who 
hadn't been meant for such monstrous events. 

Ron's father, Fred, hadn't been meant for them, either. 
Fred Goldman was a man like many others, living a good 
life he'd made for himself and his family, first in the suburbs 
of Chicago and then in southern California. There was 
nothing in his background, or on his résumé, to suggest 
that one day he would find himself in a limelight he'd 


PAINTING BY MARCO VENTURA 


PLAYBOY 


110 


never sought and would become Amer- 
ica’s most visible father. 

Other fathers had lost sons and had 
borne their grief in silence, but for 
Fred, the loss of his son to gratuitous 
slaughter drove him crazy. So he did 
the only sane thing he could think of— 
he stood up and spoke out for justice. 
And he did not build his own soapbox. 
“Were the person who murdered Ron 
and Nicole not a celebrity,” he says, “I 
probably would have still been yelling 
and screaming. The difference is that 
nobody would have heard.” 

First came the impromptu press con- 
ferences in the corrid or on the 
courthouse steps, with Fred flanked by 
(and sometimes restrained by) Patti 
and Kim, his wife and daughter. In a 
quavering voice, and with an intensity 
of feeling that was riveting but also 
scary, he vented his frustration at the 
media’s neglect of Ron, his scorn for 
the football-hero defendant and his 
fury at the tactics of O.J. Simpson's de- 
fense team. After that came the sit- 
down interviews on TV, sessions with 
him and his family in which Fred start- 
ed to display some extremely uncom- 
mon qualities. He was articulate; his 
vocabulary gave vent to wide and deep 
emotions. He was poised, almost as if 
secretly practiced in the ways of talking 
to the camera. What he wasn't was tact- 
ful, which set him apart from the eu- 
phemizing lawyers, the waffling com- 
mentators and the cautious, abstracted 
reporters. And every day, or so it 
seemed, he was in court, judging O.J. 
with unwavering, unforgiving eyes. 

Some judged Fred Goldman harshly. 
The more impassioned—and loqua- 
cious—he became, the more insistently 
he displayed his large lapel button 
bearing Ron's portrait, the faster a sus- 
picion grew that he really liked being 
in the limelight, that this bereaved 
parent had become as publicity-mad 
as anyone else in a courtroom trans- 
formed by TV and a permissive judge 
into a theater of the absurd. 

Others saw him in a different light, 
as someone who brought dignity to an 
unseemly trial by speaking the truth of 
his broken heart. And he was, in fair- 
ness, a truth teller by default. If the 
Judge hadn't been timorous, if the trial 
hadn't been a grisly farce, if the prose- 
cution hadn't been inept, if the defense 
hadn't been devoid of shame and if the 
Brown family hadn't been essentially 
mute, Fred Goldman might not have 
felt compelled to shoot off his mouth 
quite so often as he did. (At a memorial 
Service on the first anniversary of Ron's 
death, writer Dominick Dunne, whose 
own child had been killed, described 
Fred, Kim and Patti as "the conscience 
of the trial.") 

Now that the trials are over—the 


courtroom trials; others will never 
end—Fred Goldman is settling into his 
first year as chief spokesman and pub- 
lic-affairs director for the Safe Streets 
Alliance, a nonprofit organization that 
lobbies for anticrime legislation and 
victims’ rights. He certainly accom- 
plished what he had set out to do for 
his son, giving Ron a public identity to 
go with the face in the snapshots, talk- 
ing about who he was—a buoyant, gen- 
erous spirit—and who he wasn'i—a 
drinker, a doper, a dubious character— 
to anyone willing to point a micro- 
phone or camera at him, scribble on a 
notepad or lend an car. Never has a fa- 
ther dwelled more faithfully on his 
son's virtues and accomplishments. As 
a result, Ron's sonhood eclipsed Fred's 
fatherhood, but that fatherhood, too, 
is worthy of note. In a society that 
still puts a premium on maternal love 
and relegates its fathers to secondary 
roles, Fred Goldman stood out as a sin- 
gle father who single-handedly raised 
two children, and when one was mur- 
dered, he reacted as every father se- 
cretly hopes he might, as an avenger 
driven by love, as a defender of his 
child's honor and promise. It was un- 
usual to see a father display his love in 
such a public and aggressive way; still, 
in the most overcovered trial of our 
era, few bothered to ask what it was 
about the bond between Fred and Ron 
that drove Fred to such lengths. As it 
turns out, their relationship wasn't so 
different from others. Until onc fateful 
day, it was full of the conflicts, myster- 
ies and fears that many fathers know all 
too well, and the love, joy and hope 
that all too many take for granted. 
° 


Fred had made a lot of money, but 
he wasn't rich. He had designed and 
sold packaging for advertising, but he 
wasn't an advertisement himself; when 
he ran through an airport to make 
a plane, the airport and the plane 
were real. He was bright and person- 
able, though never acclaimed for hav- 
ing charisma. He was good-looking, 
though not startlingly photogenic, let 
alone telegenic; the first casualty of 
a conventional makeover might have 
been his mustache. 

Most important for Fred and his 
loved ones was that he was happy, and 
he wanted the world to know it. In his 
Chicago days he had driven a white 
Nissan 2005Х with vanity plates that 
read uronic. (Family recollections dif- 
fer on the spelling; it may have been 
UFORIK.) When he moved his new wife, 
Patti, and their newly blended families 
to the Los Angeles area in 1987, he 
passed the car, with its Illinois tags, to 
Ron and Ron's kid sister, Kim. In theo- 
ry they were supposed to share it, but 


the little Nissan was quickly dominated 
by Ron, who loved California, the car 
and the exuberant proclamation it car- 
ried. At the DMV, Ron applied for the 
same sentiment and got UFORIC on his 
California plates. 

Immediately after Ron died, Fred 
Goldman died a kind of death, too. 
Kim recalls her father walking around 
Ron's apartment touching things, star- 
ing at things but looking empty, hollow, 
as if everything had been pumped out 
of him. At the funeral home he wept 
like a child, uncontrollably and almost 
without surcease. Unable to focus on 
the ghastly decisions that needed to be 
made, he kept intoning, "It's not sup- 
posed to be this way, you don't bury 
your kid." 

He was right, though being right 
didn't help a bit in the weeks to come. 
On TV, during the low-speed chase, he 
watched people on freeway overpasses 
cheer as Simpson's white Bronco drift- 
ed dreamily by. Outside the prelimi- 
nary hearings, he saw partisans waving 
placards that demanded freedom for 
the man who, he believed, had slaugh- 
tered his son. In the news media he 
found O.]., living, and Nicole, dead, 
reunited as superstars of an unfolding 
national drama, while Ron was either 
caricatured as a hedonistic hanger- 
on—his life, according to the Los Ange- 
les Times, “was a nonstop merry-go- 
round"—or relegated to the role of a 
luckless walk-on who never walked off. 

When the not-guilty verdict was read 
in the criminal trial, Kim rocked in 
her seat, sobbing from the depths of 
her soul. Fred clasped her shoulders 
tightly to comfort her, but the blood 
had drained from his face and he 
seemed close to losing his grip on him- 
self. Later, looking frighteningly frag- 
ile, he told a press conference that June 
13 of the previous year had been “the 
worst nightmare of my life; this is the 
second.” 

Yet neither the public nor O.J. Simp- 
son had seen the last of him. Fred p 
sued his wrongful-death suit in civil 
court with a sense of purpose that was 
obsessive, to be sure, but it clearly tran- 
scended financial gain. Nevertheless, 
those disposed to judge Goldman 
harshly found new reasons to do so: 
Outspoken as always, he made no apol- 
ogy for going after Simpson's money, 
no bones about his desire to see his 
son's killer stripped of every possession 
and consigned to a living hell. (It's still 
doubtful, of course, that any financial 
gain will ever accrue to the three plain- 
tiffs in the civil case: Fred Goldman, to 
whom Simpson was ordered to pay 
$13.5 million; the estate of Nicole 
Brown Simpson, which won a judg- 
ment of $12.5 million; and Sharon 

(continued on page 114) 


varo. HAREN VELEZ 


twelve years later, pmoy 1985 is still a majors babe 


BOY GEORGE: AN INTERVIEW THAT NEVER DRAGS 


LAYBOY 


ENTERTAINMENT FORMEN ` 


Twelve years after becoming PMOY, Karen (today, above lefi) still stops traffic. "I was driving with my kids one day when o guy in the next 
car mouthed the words, ‘I know yau fram PLAYBOY.’ He reached inta his backseat, pulled aut my centerfold and held it up to the window.” 


TALLSTARTED in 1984. Karen Velez was a secretary in Miami who had always wondered what she would look like as a Play- 
mate. PLAYBOY was scouring the country for fresh-faced knockouts as part of our Great 30th Anniversary Playmate Search. 
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Though their marriage has since ended, Karen says they've remained close. (She still uses his name.) “I still love him to 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


111 


death. We get along really well.” And why not? We found her easy 
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twin sans. "All 1 have ever wanted was to have a family.” 


PLAYBOY 


114 


Fred Goldman (continued from page 110) 


“He chose to try to help, and he lost his life. I did my 
job as a father. Ron was a hero, not me.” 


Rufo, Goldman's ex-wife and the moth- 
er of his children, who was awarded 
$7.5 million—an astonishing judg- 
ment, to many, given the fact that Fred 
was awarded full custody of Ron, then 
six years old, and Kim, then three, and 
thenceforth raised both children as a 
single father) 


1 hadn't needed Fred or Kim to tell 
me he was controlling, though both 
did. Fred had revealed that part of 
himself on the phone the first ume we 
talked, by giving directions to his office 
in amusingly exhaustive detail; it 
wasn't right then left, but right for 
eight tenths of a mile, then left up 
a driveway that's exactly opposite a 
cemetery. Nevertheless, he seemed a 
paragon of relaxation when I got 
there, with a quick, dry wit and a gift 
for listening well. One thing he 
wouldn't hear of, though, was the 
slightest suggestion that he, like any 
other caring and committed single fa- 
ther, might have been an unsung hero. 
For him the word is loaded with an ex- 
plosive charge. 

“I have a hard time with this hero 
status we've given to certain individu- 
alsor certain groups of individuals," he 
said angrily. "I've always had a hard 
time referring to sports figures as he- 
roes. Because I perceive a hero as 
someone who goes above and beyond 
himself for others in some way. 

"Ron can truly be labeled a hero. All 
the evidence in the trial suggests that 
the someone yelling ‘Hey! Hey! Hey" 
was in fact Ron when he walked upon 
the scene, and Ron made a choice. He 
didn't run the other way. He chose to 
try to help, and he lost his life to the 
same violent person who was attacking 
Nicole. That to me is heroism. I did my 
job as a father; athletes do their jobs. 
Ron was a hero, not me." 

"This was still the public Fred Gold- 
man talking, even though we were sit- 
ting in the privacy of the suburban Los 
Angeles office that he uses for his Safe 
Streets Alliance work. But he shifted 
gears, into rueful irony, when 1 asked 
about the man who'd written Fred's 
first and only instruction book for the 
fathering job. 

“My father was a pretty tough cook- 
ie. Very authoritarian. If he didn't have 
the answer, it was simply ‘I know bet- 
* I decided I wasn't going to be that 
y. As we grow older, of course, we be- 


gin to see that maybe we didn't do such 
a successful job of not being 100 per- 
cent of what our parents were." 

All parents try, and all come up with 
their own special mixes of success and 
failure. Fred, like Ron after him, set 
himself off from his parents in various 
ways, but some of them now seem 
touchingly tame, like painting his room 
red and black without permission from 
his mother and father, who went pre- 
dictably berserk. 

When Fred went to college—the 
University of Illinois and also Southern 
Illinois University—he felt he knew ex- 
actly what he wanted to do: be an ar- 
chitect. College-age kids of his time, 
unlike those of Ron's, were invariably 
expected to have specific goals. But his 
pursuit of an architect's education was 
mostly what he thought his parents 
wanted, rather than what he wanted 
for himself. 

The tip-off is how quickly his goals 
changed. One summer when Fred was 
working for an architect, he came 
down with mononucleosis, stayed home 
reading want ads, saw one for a pack- 
aging designer, answered it, got the job. 
and left architecture behind, just like 
that. “Poof, gone! And packaging and 
displays, point-of-purchase displays, 
became the business I was in. And 
loved being in, until a few years ago." 

When he married, at the age of 26, 
then had children of his own, he knew 
he didn't want to be ıhe closed, con- 
wolling man his father was. His pa- 
rental ideal corresponded to that of the 
times: open—it was the early Seven- 
ties—supportive, emotionally honest. 
But that came up for review when his 
marriage went bad and he had to teach 
his kids some discipline. For a year af- 
ter Sbaron and Fred divorced, Ron 
and Kim lived with her in her apart- 
ment, and Fred was a weekend father. 
The following year, in accordance with 
an informal agreement between Fred 
and Sharon, the kids lived with him. 
Or, rather, he lived with them, taking 
over Sharon's apartment while she 
moved into another place of her own: 
"It was so the kids could maintain their 
friends and school and wouldn't have 
to be uprooted again." 

Joint-custody arrangements can be 
wonderfully enlightened, given the of- 
ten contentious alternatives. But they 
can't guarantee joint commitment, and 
Fred, as he watched Ron struggling in 
school, grew increasingly convinced 


that his kids hadn't been getting the 
care they needed. Sharon, he says bit- 
terly, “was an absentee mother.” (His 
bitterness is shared by Kim, who, ina 
letter to Judge Lance Ito about Sharon 
Rufo's wrongful-death suit, denounced 
her birth mother as someone with “a 
history of lying, cheating and manipu- 
lating situations to her best interest, 
which never included Ron and me.”) 
At the end of that second year Fred 
asked for full custody, which he eventu- 
ally received, though the combat was 
long and the battles were ugly. “There 
was never really much of a doubt that 
the kids would end up with me, it was 
just a matter of how much financially it 
would take to satisfy their mother. And 
then we bought a house—we being the 
three of us—and moved toa suburb of 
Chicago called Buffalo Grove.” 


Fred was a Mr. Mom before single fa- 
therhood was fashionable, and he had 
his hands full from the start. Not that 
he couldn't afford live-in help; the 
question, as always, was where to find 
good help. “I was in and out of house- 
keepers like water flowing." Ron and 
Kim were classic latchkey kids—"1 had 
my key on a keystring," Kim recalls— 
but that made them all the more devot- 
ed to each other. As Fred has said on. 
many occasions, the kids brought each 
other up. 

All too cognizant of his fondness for 
control but still determined not to be- 
come his own father, Fred sought the 
elusive balance that modern parents 
often seek, between Old Testament dis- 
cipline and New Age openness and 
candor. He established his rules—"I 
was tough"—and he imposed them: 
kitchen cleanup, garbage removal, cur- 
fews, the usual stuff, plus an intricate 
rule about TV versus books; how many 
minutes the kids got to watch depend- 
ed on how many pages they read, and 
pop quizzes were sprung to make sure 
Ron and Kim were reading rather than 
just skimming. 

Openness presented some ticklish 
problems. He was still young, after 
all—not just young, but also а good- 
looking, strong-spirited guy, with no 
particular vocation for puritanism, 
who was back in the dating game. 
(There was also a second marriage, 
and an amicable divorce; the problem, 
Fred feels, was that he, Ron and Kim 
had formed such a tight circle that no 
one else could readily break in.) Fred 
had his rights to privacy, too, and as far 
as he was concerned those rights cov- 
ered the contents of what he blithely 
chose to call a card case, a pretty little 
box that his second wife had given him 
as a gift. What goes in a card case? 

(continued on page 142) 


Г 
.. SAVE THE 
 ENVIRONME 
r 


“You're the nicest environment I've ever been in.” 


115 


Ihe record number of Ё 
fired coaches won't” 
N 
(ане the Chill — "= 
green bay's—oul 01 


Sports BY Danny Sheridan 
PLAYBOY'S 
| PRO 
FOOTBALL 
FORECAST 


Y 
5 


i 


othing succeeds like success. The Packers won the 
Super Bowl, but they were heavy favorites. The 
were from the National Football Conference, whic 
stopped losing Super Bowls 13 years ago, and 
everyone expected them to pound the Patriots. Ne 
England showed some heart, however, and lost by 
only 14 points, which was the point spread on the’ 
game (see page 147). As a result, only a fraction of the bil- 
lions bet on the Super Bowl actually changed hands. In 
Green Bay, all those TITLETOWN, UsA signs that have been sit- 
ting in basements since the Sixties are being proudly dis- 
played again. At long last, the Packers’ museum will no 
longer look as if time stopped with Vince Lombardi, Bart 
Starr, Paul Hornung and Max McGee. 

It was a feel-good season. The storybook success of Car- 
olina and Jacksonville—both played in conference cham 
onship games—had repercussions. A number of team own- 
ers figured that if two-year-old expansion clubs could get 
within one victory of the Super Bowl, there was no reason. 
why their clubs couldn't do as well. With that bit of nonsense 
passing for logic, a number of team owners did what they do 
best—they fired their coaches. How else can one explain the 


Kick-return specialist Desmond Howard ended the Pa- 
triots’ upset dream with a 99-yard TD backbreaker. 


PAINTING BY KADIR NELSON 


118 


PLAYBOY'S PICKS 


[A A A | 


Eastern Division: Patriots 
Central Division: Oilers 
Western Division: Raiders 
Wild Cards: Dolphins, Jaguars, Seahawks 
AFC Champion: Raiders over Patriots 


Ure N Cg =1 


Eastern Division: Cowboys 
Central Division: Packers 
Western Division: 49ers 

Wild Cards: Panthers, Redskins, Bears 
NFC Champion: Packers over 49ers 


БЕШИ ИЙ ДЕЛ HEE EE] Бот 
Packers over Raiders 


11 coaching changes that took place af- 
ter last season? It was impossible to 
believe no African American coaches 
were among the "Chosen 11." Is the 
good-old-boy network still around? Or 
isn't someone such as Green Bay offen- 
sive coordinator Sherman Lewis qual- 
ified? The only black coach who was 
given the courtesy of an interview was 
Philadelphia defensive coordinator 
Emmitt Thomas. There's something 
wrong here. 

But what else can be expected from a 
group of owners who went to the NFLs 
winter meetings in Palm Desert for the 
express purpose of burying their heads 
in the sand? They certainly didn't lis- 
ten when their coaches voted over- 
whelmingly to restore instant replay 
this season. The owners voted it down 
for a sixth consecutive year, and by a 
larger margin (20-10) than last time. 

"I didn't want to damage the game," 
offered Oakland's Al Davis. He's defi- 
nitely not one ofthe league's dinosaurs 
(years ago, Davis hired the league's 


first African American head coach, Art. 
Shell), but he's wrong about instant re- 
play. What will persuade these men to 
reinstitute the only means by which a 
game-altering blown call can be cor- 
rected? What are they waiting for—fist- 
fights on the field? Riots in the stands? 

Let's get down to cases. Last season, 
for the first time since 1901, neither 
Dallas nor San Francisco won the 
NFC championship. But the AFC still 
couldn't win a Super Bowl. That tradi- 
tion will continue this season. Green 
Bay figures to be a repeat winner, this 
time over those nasty Raiders from 
Oakland. Can'tanybody in the Average 
Football Conference play this game? 

Let's see how the rest of the league 
shapes up, beginning with the NFC. 

° 


After Dallas’ chaos last season—sex, 
drugs and rock and roll, plus a few key 
injuries and an early exit from the 
playoffs—team owner Jerry Jones was 
no less traumatized than many of his 


„TIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERE, 


EASTERN DIVISION Cr 


Dallas 
Washington“ .. . 
Philadelphia... 
Arizona... 


New York Giants . . 
wilo-card team. 


players. Jones hired former Cowboy 
Calvin Hill and his wife, Janet, to im- 
prove player behavior. The Hills are 
alive with the sound of progress, but 
much damage has been done. It's tak- 
en only a couple years for the Cowboys 
to go from being America's Team to 
America's Most Wanted Team. 

Some observers think the Cowboys" 
crimes and misdemeanors affected 
their performance in 1996, but I don't 
buy it. True, the Cowboys scored only 
286 points, but suspensions and in- 
juries were the real culprits behind 
their drop-off. If WR Michael Irvin 
hadn't been suspended (cocaine pos- 
session) for the first five games, if RB 
Emmitt Smith hadn't played most of 
the season with banged-up ankles and 
if TE Jay Novacek hadn't sat out the 
year with what might be a career-end- 
ing back condition, do you really think 
the Cowboys—10-6, and divisional 
champs again—wouldn't have made it 
to Lambeau Field for a conference 
showdown with the Packers? 

Smith rushed for 1204 yards and 
scored 12 touchdowns, but it wasn't a 
vintage year for him. Novacek may be 
able to play again, but the Cowboys 
aren't counting on it—which is why 
they moved up in the first round of 
the draft to snare 67" LSU TE David 
LaFleur. Irvin led the team in recep- 
tions (64), but caught only two for TDs. 
Like Smith, Irvin has something to 
prove. So does QB Troy Aikman, who 
was turned off by some of his team- 
mates’ antics, and wasn't too thrilled 
with his own performance—he threw 
more interceptions (13) than TDs (12). 
He's back with his usual steely confi- 
dence. “If we play the way we're capa- 
ble of playing, we can go to the Super 
Bowl,” Aikman says, and he could be 
right. He and coach Barry Switzer have 
finally made peace with each other. 

As usual, the team lost several free 
agents, most notably kicker Chris Bo- 
niol. They signed a good one, though, 
in Denver WR Anthony Miller. The 
Cowboys’ defense may have to wait 
until mid-October for CB/WR Deion 
Sanders, who's now playing the out- 
field for the Cincinnati Reds, And 
they'll have to wait until December for 
DT Leon Lett to finish serving his 
one-year drug suspension. But Dallas 
will be there in the postseason. The 

(continued on page 124) 


“Look what I found in the attic. Grandma did two senators and 
a Supreme Court justice in this corset.” 


120 


WHAT’S FUN, HIP, PHAT, 


SHOW US 


THE MONEY 
OK, getting right down 
to business, our picks for 
millennial growth: 
Webmastery: If you have 
to ask, stop reading. 
Money ment: Do 
the dirty work for the re- 
tiring Baby Boomers. 
Home Health Care: In- 
surance companies are 
giving patients the hospi- 
tal heave-ho. 
Computer Animation: 
Elbow your way into line. 
Aquaculture: Wild fi 2 
become scarce. Raise 
gae for profit. И 
Theme Parks: Not а vote 
for the culture, but Disney’s destiny. 
Radiology: Big strides in treatment 
and diagnosis—and the fast track 
around med school. 
Casinos: They took everything else 
away from the Indians, right? Think 
Vegas and riverboats. 


WHERE TO GO 


Prague has become McAmerica and 
the Hamptons have gone Hollywood. 
So next time you're packing, think: 

Dublin: Even foreigners feel right at 
home in this economic boomtown. 

Buenos Aires: 
It's che all-night 
party mecca and 

Paris of South 

America. 

Cape Town: 

Tote extra 

rolls of film 

for the strik- 
ing women 

ıd scenery. 
Great diving, jun- 

ges and ruins. The deserted beaches 
aren't bad either. 
Savannah, Georgia: The hip crowd 
is flocking to soak up some steamy 
atmosphere. 
Las Vegas: Sin City has snagged a 
younger generation with kitschy chic. 
Check out Spielberg’s Game Works. 


Shanghai: This frenzied 700-year- 
old seaport city isa peek at the future. 


COLLAGES BY DAVID PLUNKERT 


CITY SMARTS 


Great places to live, but we 
wouldn't want to visit . . . 
Raleigh-Durham, NC e Salt Lake 
City • Boca Raton, FL • Philadelphia 
+ St. Paul, MN e Boise, ID 


WHAT TO INVEST IN 


* Transformers (the toys) 
* Ralph Lauren boutiques 
* Disney stock 
* Radio stations 
* Resort condos in Santa Fe and Utah 
* Vintage electric and 
acovstic guitars 
* Old watches 


MONEY, CRAZY, SEXY AND COOL 


MEDICAL 
BREAK- 
THROUGH 


Good news for men 
who have trouble getting 
it up: Viagra, a new oral 
impotence drug from 
Pfizer Labs, recently had 
an 89 percent success 
rate in a study on 351 im- 
potent men. When taken 
a few hours before sexual 
activity, Viagra boosts lev- 
els of artery-relaxing 
agents, enhancing blood 
flow in the penis. Though 
it won't directly create an 
erection, it will amplify 
the reaction to sexual sig- 
nals. Viagra's pill form also might be 
safer and more conve- 
nient for men who cur- 
rently use injectible 
drugs for impotence. 
Look for FDA approval 
by year's end. 


WHERE TO 
CLICK 


We enjoy wasting time 
on the Web. How else 
would we know that 
these surf spots are get- 
ting all the action? Book- 
mark them for a daily 
dose of news, Hollywood. 
gossip and laughs. 
Custom-made news: 
www.excite.com 
Sports: www.sfan.com 
Politics: www.disinfo.com 
Finance: www.fool.com 
‘Travel: www.travelocity.com 
Books: www.amazon.com —— 
Music: musiccentral.msn.com 
Entertainment: www.mrshowbiz.com 
Skills: www.learnto.com 
Reference: www.eb.com 
Weirdness: www.nlci.com/users/royal/ 
absurd.htm 
Fake news: www.theonion.com 
Games: www.bezerk.com 
The millennium: www.everything 
2000.com 


м 


| WAY COOL PET 


Tickle Me Elmo is a wuss and Cabbage Patch Kids are hair-eating orphans. We prefer Tamagotchi, a virtu- 
al pet from Japan that recently inspired hundreds of people to line up outside of New York's FAO Schwarz for 
the first U.S. shipment. The computer "chicken," housed inside an egg-shaped key chain with a video screen, 
doesn't mess around. It needs to be fed, played with and cleaned up after. And it relentlessly peeps to get your 
. Neglect your critter, and it gets angry and dies. (Record life span: 26 days). Don't worry if your 
caretaking skills suck—when your chick croaks, it's replaced by a newborn at the click of a button. ۴ 


attenti 


WHAT TO 
EXPECT 


BY ASTROLOGER 
YVONNE MORABITO 


Pluto, the powerful outer 


MUST-HAVE SEX uu 


Here's a kinky gadget that can go For every 
anywhere in public. The Egg is a re- 
mote-controlled, insertable vibrator 


MUST- 
SEE 
TV 


annoying TV 
show (read: Sud- 


planet associated with death, 
transformation and resurrec- 
tion, recently plowed through 
Scorpio and into Sagittarius, 
the sign of philosophy and 
spirituality. Get set for a time 
ofhigher moral meaning: few- 
er smarmy sex scandals, 
ture with a message, spirituali- 
ty-spewing rock bands, movies 
with values, scrutiny of sports 
figures. Business? All cards on 
the table. After a bump, the 
stock market continues its nice 


by Swedish Erotica that retails 
at $130. Sounds costly, but 
it’s well worth the money: 
While she wears the device, 
you control the remote. 
Tease her with unexpected 
spurts of stimulation, and be- 
fore too long, she'll be beg- 
ging to jump your bones. But 
be careful: It's been said that 
the remote control will work 
for any egg in the room. 


denly Susan) on the tube these 
days, there's an unparalleled 
gem on another station. 
Though these programs will 
never reside in that coveted 
post-Friends, pre-Seinfeld time 
slot, they deserve kudos for 
holding their own, 

Pop-up Video on 

vH-1 

Daria on MTV 

The Daily Show and 
Dr. Katz on Comedy 

Central 


ride. The legal system will also 
get a moral whitewash, result- 
ing in fairer trials. In the bed- 
room, look for increased popularity act 
tantric sex, yoga and meditation as more people 
strive for a mind-body connection. The millenni- 
um is good for the soul. Jj 1 


Sure, boxing’s big. But we like grap- 
pling. The popular Action Wrestling 
workout at Crunch Fitness Center in 
NYC is like a flashback to gym class. 
Based on traditional wrestling condi- 
tioning, the class includes bear walks, 

WORKOUT Sega races, sprints, sit-ups, 
push-ups and tugs-of-war. Expect more mat action, especial- 
ly with women. * Speaking of which, Iron Belles of Ameri- 
ca sends its 40 women bodybuilders all over the = 
country to wrestle with (and beat) guys who pay A 
$250 to $400 an hour for the privilege. “They ,9 © 
can be dominated and not worry about „© 
stress,” says owner Cheryl Harris. The most S., 
requested move? The skull-crushing ж: 
head scissors. Iron Belles also makes 
videos and has a Web site at 
www.ironbellesof 
atlanta.com. 


- Biography on A&E 
World's Strongest Man 

2 Contest on ESPN2 

Wild Discovery on the Discov-‏ ر 

Ser 

hannel to watch: Much Music 

MIS то watch: | CNBC: 's Maria Bartiromo 


HOT SEAT. 


Í y 
The La-Z-Boy recliner that 
your dad used to relax in is 
now a bachelor pad must- - 
have. Is there a ber- 
ter place to 
kick back 
with a bag of 
Louisiana's | 
Zapp's chips 
(the only 
chips to eat) and 
a brew to gawk 
at the chicks on 
Baywatch? The 
one shown here 
costs $1699. 


STANFORD 


Tiger dropped out of this school to. 
go pro, but academic standout Stan- 
ford has a lot going for it, including 
‚other top-notch athletes (students and 
alums won 18 medals at the 1996 
Olympics), a picturesque campus and 
the most connected coed this side of 
Camp David, Chelsea Clinton. 


тту 
2 


"The millennium is two years away, but it's not too 
early to throw the blowout of the century. We've done 
all the planning, from compiling the phattest guest list 
on the planer to stocking the bar with new cocktails. 
The object here is to keep things moving (the end of the 
century inches closer each second), but we couldn't resist including a 
few blasts from the past. Shirley Temples—this time with alcohol— ` | 
have a renewed sense of cool, as does a certain drinking game you might 
remember from high school. It's called quarters, and the object is to bounce 
your 25-cent piece into someone else's glass of hemp beer. The person whose cup 
it lands in has to chug. One тоге thing: When the party is over, don't forget to 
send thank-you notes. Manners and civility are back in style, too. 


n 
e Kevin Smith e Cheri O'Teri * Chris Rock • Ani DiFranco e Parker Posey I-—— 
e Will Smith * Jada Pinkett e John Cusack e Téa Leoni ® David Duchovny 
e Hank from HBO's The Larry Sanders Show * Daria e Jon Favreau \ 
Peta Wilson (La Femme Nikita) e Jon Stewart e Shoshana Lonstein \ 
Hemp beer • Chocolate martinis—% ounce Godiva chocolate liqueur, 1% ounces Ч El 


vodka, lemon twist Spiked Shirley Temples—5 ounces 7Up, 1 ounce grena- 
dine, 1 ounce vodka, maraschino cherry 


Salsa and mambo dancing ® Playing quarters 


2: A funky piano-driven trio from Chapel Hill, NC—Billy 


Joel meets Queen meets Squeeze The hip-hop incarna- 2 
tion of Billie Holiday Electronica at its peak ze 
Infectious beat geeks who emphasize melody more N d 
than lyrics The young. folkie groovester who 2 
found a loyal fan in Elton John z: This year's Alanis Moris- 
sette (with a better voice) "The 16-year-old phenom leader 
of blues band Kid Jonny Lang and the Big Bang 
L * Eclectically cool lounge act E KINGS: Chicago- 


based blues, jazz and swing band on the verge of a huge breakthrough 


Below, clockwise from top: Jonny Lang, Fiona Apple, Amonda Marshall, Soul Coughing. 
Right: Parker Posey. Opposite page, clockwise from top: David Duchovny, Will Smith, Ani 
DiFranco, Jon Stewart, John Cusack, Chris Rock, Jon Favreau, Hank (Jeffrey Tambor). 


PLAYBOY 


124 


PRO FOSTBALI. 


(continued from page 118) 


His sorry excuse for a team is enough to make New 
Yorkers lose their appetite for football. 


Cowboys have a lot to make up for, 
and this year they will be playing for 
redemption. 

When the Redskins went 7-1 for the 
first half of last season, they were the 
toast of D.C. and one of three NFL 
Cinderella teams. But then reality set 
in and the Skins wound up 9-7. Fven 
when it comes to football, there are no 
fairy tales in Washington these days. 

Head coach Norv Turner has rebuilt 
this team from scratch after inheriting 
the stiffs who finished 4-12 in 1993. A 
month before team owner Jack Kent 
Cooke died of heart failure, he extend- 
ed Turner's contract through 2001. 
Cooke, who built a new stadium in 
record time (a year) for the current 
season, was lavish in his praise of Tur- 
ner. "In my experience in pro sports," 
he said, “I have not met a more talent- 
ed coach and motivator of men than 
Norv.” Coming from the man who 
hired George Allen and Joe Gibbs, that 
was high praise indeed. 

Turner makes sure his players are 
well treated. Last season. RB "Terry 
Allen rushed for a club record 1353 
yards and scored a league-high 21 
touchdowns. Allen, who has gained 
more than 1000 yards for four straight 
seasons, was rewarded with a four-year, 
$14.8 million contract. The only rush- 
ers who earn more are Emmitt Smith 
and Barry Sanders. 

"Turner isn't afraid to buck conven- 
tional wisdom and proved it by going 
with Gus Frerotte at QB instead of 
Heath Shuler, who had been the team’s 
number one draft choice in 1994. 
Frerotte threw for 3453 yards; Shuler 
has since been traded to New Orleans. 
Frerotte's passes were smartly distrib- 
uted among veteran WR Henry Ellard 
(52 catches for 1014 yards), Jamie Ash- 
er (42 catches), Michael Westbrook (34) 
and Brian Mitchell (39). Free-agent 
pickup Alvin Harper will add to that 
total. 

"The Skins wound up getting pushed 
around because of their margarine-like 
spreadable defense. Defensive coordi- 
nator Ron Lynn was sent packing and 
his replacement, Mike Nolan, comes 
on board after three years of handling 
that job for the Giants. Washington's 
defense, 98th in the league last year, 
will tighten a bit with the addition of 
free-agent CB Cris Dishman (from 
Houston) and the defensive players 
picked in the first three rounds of the 
college draft. The Skins will continue 


to improve, but don't expect a miracle. 

After nine games last season, the Ea- 
gles were 7-2 and the Cowboys were 
5-4. Both finished with 10-6 records, 
but Dallas won the division title and the 
Eagles had to win their final two games 
to sneak into the playoffs. The Fagles 
are hard to figure out. Their defense 
gave up only 285 yards a game, third 
fewest in the NFC. Their offense aver- 
aged 351.7 yards a game, tops in the 
conference. Those two stats would or- 
dinarily herald a big winner, but we're 
talking about the Eagles. 

Philly had big-play performers. Run- 
ning back Ricky Watters led the NFC 
with 1855 scrimmage yards and WR Ir- 
ving Fryar caught a career-high 88 
passes for 1195 yards. Backup QB Ty 
Detmer was 7-4 in his first go-round as 
a starter, and he'll be better this season, 
especially with the addition of free- 
agent WRs Michael Timpson and Rus- 
sell Copeland. Philadelphia's defense 
was spearheaded by DE William Fuller, 
who racked up 13 sacks. He's since 
moved on to San Diego. but the addi- 
tion of Dallas free-agent linebacker 
Darrin Smith will strengthen the de- 
fense. Defensive end Mike Mamula, a 
favorite of coach Ray Rhodes, piled up 
eight sacks. Philly's defense isn't great, 
but it's rock solid. 

What's wrong with this crew? The 
polite way to put it: The Eagles lack 
team chemistry. The truth? Last season 
there was just enough dissension on 
the team to piss off everyone. Watters is 
a great competitor, but he's tough to 
take as a teammate. He carried the ball 
a leaguc-high 353 times—and also 
caught 51 passes—but never stopped 
carping that he wasn't getting enough 
acuon. Watters obviously learned noth- 
ing from his experience in San Francis- 
co, where his act wore thin in a hurry. 

If the Eagles can keep the feathers 
from flying around the locker room 
and front office, they'll make a serious 
run at the Cowboys. 

The Cardinals are now the only 
NFL club playing in a college stadium, 
and team owner Bill Bidwill has made 
no progress in his attempt to get a 
domed stadium. Unless Bidwill is ex- 
pecting a al downpour of frogs, 
there doesn't seem to be a need for a 
domed stadium in the desert. The Car- 
dinals’ lease with Arizona State's Sun 
Devil Stadium expires after this season, 
and I wouldn't be surprised if Bidwill 
plans to eventually relocate his team in 


Los Angeles or Cleveland. If Arizona 
can continue to rise under new coach 
Vince Tobin, fans will come and the 
Cards will stay put. In February, Tobin 
named Kent Graham as his starting 
quarterback and released Boomer Esi- 
ason, who passed for 522 yards in a 
memorable victory over Washington 
last year. Last season RB Larry Centers 
picked up only 495 yards rushing, but 
caught 99 passes. LeShon Johnson, the 
other Arizona RB, led the Cardinals in 
rushing with a paltry 634 yards, but he 
averaged 4.5 yards a pop, and may well 
be on the verge of a breakthrough sea- 
son. The Cards’ defense ranked 21st in 
the league and isn't about to scare any- 
one, but it will be better. Defensive end 
Simeon Rice, the Cardinals' top draft 
choice in 1996, led the team in sacks 
(12%) and is a future All-Pro. Corner- 
back Aeneas Williams, who had six in- 
terceptions, is a current All-Pro. With 
its first pick in this year's draft, Arizona 
selected highly touted Iowa DB Tom 
Knight. In the second round Arizona 
came away with Arizona State QB Jake 
Plummer, a popular choice with long- 
suffering Cardinals fans. 

Teams such as the Cowboys, 49ers 
and Packers are preoccupied with win- 
ning. George Young, general manager 
of the Giants, is preoccupied with his 
team’s payroll. “Free agency and guar- 
anteed salaries are going to kill our 
game,” Young has said. “Players play 
better when they're hungry." Unfortu- 
nately, no one has had the chance to 
find out if Young would do his job bet- 
he were hungry. One thing is 
: His sorry excuse for a team is 
enough to make New Yorkers lose their 
appetite for football. At QB the Giants 
have Dave Brown, who last year threw 
12 TD passes and 90 interceptions— 
he's the lowest-rated passer in the 
NFC. It was Young who selected 
Brown in the 1992 supplemental draft, 
and it was Young who signed him to an 
outrageous $13 million contract. Last 
season the Giants had the NFL's worst 
passing offense and worst overall of- 
fense. If not for RB Rodney Hampton 
(827 yards and one touchdown in 
1996) there would be no reason at all to 
pay attention when the Giants have the 
football. New York's defense isn't too 
shabby, but that’s probably because it 
gets to play so much in every game— 
practice makes perfect. 

In a letter to season ticket holders in- 
forming them of raised ticket prices, 
Giants co-owners Wellington Mara and 
Robert Tisch wrote, “We understand 
our responsibility to provide you with 
a team that warrants your support.” 
That's very nice, Wellington and Rob- 
ert. Have you shown your letter to 

(continued on page 146) 


"Evidently you didn't read everything in your shoe contract.” 


125 


CHRIS FARLEY 


ext lo cheese, Chris Farley is Wiscon- 

sin's most-celebrated product. Already 
a big-screen presence al 33, the formidable 
actor is one of the few “Saturday Night 
Live" veterans to make a successful transi- 
lion to movies. After smaller roles in “Cone- 
heads” and both “Wayne's World's, Farley 
joined “SNL” alumnus and pal David 
Spade to top-line the hits “Tommy Boy” and 
“Black Sheep." Then with another “SNL” 
alum, Chris Rock, helping out, Farley bat- 
Шей his way to big box office in the title role 
of “Beverly Hills Ninja.” Next he'll co-star 
with Matthew Perry in “Edwards and 
Hunt,” a period piece in which they play ex- 
plorers in the Lewis and Clark tradition. Af- 
ter three outings as the fat guy who falls 
down, Farley calls his role as Bartholomew 
Hunt edgier and something of a stretch. 
"Plus, I gei to wear a lot of buckskin,” he 
says. We asked Contributing Editor David 
Rensin to talk with Farley in Los Angeles. 
Says Rensin, “We met in his hotel room. He 
was an attentive host, ordering fruit plates 
and bottled water from room service. Farley's 
self-deprecation verges on self-flagellation. 
The guy is a big softy who wants to feel good 
about himself. You just want 1o put your 
arms around him. But, of course, you can’t.” 


ne 


PLAYBOY: You and David Spade were 
presenters at this year's Oscars. Ex- 
plain the difference between perform- 
ing live for 20 million people a week 
and doing it in front of | billion people 
in one night. 
FARLEY: I may as well tell you now, I’m 
not real good with math. What felt 
strange was the audience in front of us. 
I was real conscious of our being a cou- 
ple of comics, trying to entertain seri- 
ous actors. I 
E guess I felt a 
the heavy little inferior. 


i i Then I saw 
weight comic C Jm. 
contender on crowd and that 

M made me feel 

h 5 be- 

wearing ae 
buckskin, de- bigger than 
E Jim Carrey, 
fendingyour and he was 
А laughing at us. 
friends and Later, I talked 


with him and 
he was very 
supportive. 
He's the king. 
His movies 
make $150 mil- 
lion and a lot of 


the perfect 
pig-out 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIS FACTOR 


people happy. Our movies make a 
buck-fifty. So I figured if he liked us, it 
was OK. 


2 


praynoy: Speaking of Jim Carrey, you 
were slated to be the original Cable Cuy 
until he took over the job. Is that turn 
ofeventsa happy or sad thought now? 
FARLEY: I love Jim. He did a wonder- 
ful job. I dug that scene when he said 
"clitoris" to the guy's mother. The 
script seemed tailor-made for him, and 
that's because he worked on it with his 
writers and the director and made it 
his own. In fact, I want to talk with 
Jim about how I can do that more in 
my films. 

My version of The Cable Guy was a bit 
different, not quite as dark, and 1 
would have kept it that way—which 
isn't saying I have a problem with the 
choices Jim made. I just would have 
gone with more of the butt-crack show- 
ing, more of a pathetic approach than 
the menacing, diabolical approach. By 
the way, I was in the middle of a two- 
picture deal with Paramount when I 
got The Cable Guy. I'd done Tommy Boy 
and thought I could do a picture at an- 
other studio, and then go back and fin- 
ish my deal. But Paramount said, “No. 
You're making Black Sheep when we tell 
you to make it." So I had to pass on The 
Cable Guy. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: In your new film, Edwards and 
Hunt, you and Matthew Perry play 
Lewis and Clark-like explorers. How 
did you prepare for the role? What did. 
you wear underneath the buckskin? 
FARLEY: Lewis and Clark endured hor- 
rible conditions, portaging huge ca- 
noes over tough mountain terrain in 
freezing weather. Meanwhile, we were 
just a bunch of wussy actors on the set, 
going, "Is there any more Evian?" Our 
biggest problem was the heat. Wearing 
buckskin isn't that bad unless it's real 
hot. Then you sweat a lot and stain the 
leather. Also, as soon as you put it on, 
buckskin chafes like you've played 18 
holes of golf in it. God knows what they 
wore underneath it in the old days, but 
1 wore regular underwear and a shirt 
under the vest. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: When does an Indian change 
his loincloth? 

FARLEY: When it starts sticking to the 
tea bag. 


PLAYBOY: What genetic markers do you 
share with Bartholomew Hunt? 
FARLEY: Hunt is bohemian. Leslie Ed- 
vards is like Merivether Lewis—a 
more sophisticated, English-type guy. 
In one scene I pick up buffalo dung 
and smell it, and I go, “Um, buffalo 
is near.” And then Matt Perry says, 
“Good God, man. Can you tell that just 
by smelling its droppings?” And I say, 
“No, I can see him right over there.” 
Then I point at the buffalo. 

Hunt and I are both a little rough 
around the edges. Bringing him into 
polite society is like bringing a bull into 
achina shop. He wears his emotions on 
his sleeve. When he speaks you know 
what's really on his mind because he 
has no editing process. I can definitely 
relate to that. Thoughts go directly 
from my brain to my mouth. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Compose a valentine on the 
spot for David Spade. 

FARLEY: [Pauses] “David Spade . . . is wit- 
ty and fun, but if you piss him off you'd 
better run.” 


7. 


PLAYBOY: In both Tommy Boy and Black 
Sheep, Spade's character takes care of 
your character. How have you taken 
care of him in real life? 

FARLEY: One time we were in a bar and 
he was getting picked on by a big 
and I pushed the guy away and said, 
“You fuck with him and you're dead.” 
The guy was a star—I wish I could tell 
you his name. 1 probably shouldn't. 
even tell the story, but I don't care. The 
guy was messing with my little buddy 
and hitting on Spade's girl. He left with 
his tail between his legs. And Spade 
said, "Thank you for that." 


8. 


PLAYBOY: At Saturday Night Live you 
shared an office with Spade, Chris 
Rock and Adam Sandler. What person- 
al items did each of you have that the 
others weren't allowed to mess with? 

FARLEY: Sandler and I were pigs. Rock 
and Spade were clean. We were Oscar, 
they were Felix. It was like they put the 
four of us in the back of the cage, to- 
gether, where we could be watched. 

I didn’t let anyone touch my neck- 
lace of human ears. Brando gave it to 
me; it was a souvenir from Apocalypse 
Now. [Laughs] | (continued on page 160) 


127 


128 


PAINTING BY HERB DAVIDSON 


Piping 


O 


СМО BY RICHARD CARLETON HACKER 


This internationol assortment of 
high-grade briars includes, clock- 
wise from top left: o Danish-made 
Nerding straight grain with on 
embellished sterling silver band 
{$300), a Butz-Choquin Calabash 
2000 thot was hand-turned in the 
Jura Mountains of France ($125), 
Alfred Duntill of London's classic 
ODA Bruyere pipe in a Dublin 
shape ($900) and a half-rusticated 
Don Carlos pipe that combines 
sandblasted and smooth finishes 
plus silver ond gold fittings ($130) 


Forget the tweed coat and golden 
retriever, Think Armani jacket and 
long-legged blonde, We're talking 
about the cutting edge of furure 
smoke. This is the new image of the 
pipe, the once fashionable symbol 
of masculinity that is making a 
comeback as a stylish way to fire 
up. But this time around it's noth- 
ing like MacArthur's corncob. 
What's different about pipe puting 
today is the attitude of the smoker, 
Most of pipe smoking’s newest con- 
verts are stogie lovers—and with 
good reason. Neither cigar nor 
pipe smokers inhale, and only pure 


tobacco is used in quality cigars 
and pipe mixtures. What do you 
need to get started? Pipes made 
of unlacquered wood that can 
breathe to help cool the smoke. 
Look for well-established brands, 
such as Dunhill, Ngrding and 
Butz-Choquin, as well asa hot new- 
comer to the American pipe scene, 
the Italiari manufacturer Don Car- 
los. The latest styles feature con- 
trasting woods and acrylic or metal 
trim. Buying several pipes allows 
your favorite briar to relax between 
smokes. Like your house after a 
party, a pipe needs a day or so to 


air out. You'll want to experiment 
with various tobaccos, just as you 
smoke different brands of cigars. 
There are a lot of different blends, 
but the two main categories are 
English, which uses a variety of 
unadulterated tobaccos to create 
different tastes, and aromatic, in 
which a number of natural es- 
sences are added to the tobaccos, 
including cherry, chocolate, even 
bourbon, Of course, a pipe must 
be cleaned after it's smoked, and 
you'll need plenty of pipe cleaners 
to do the job right, along with a 
tamper to keep your tobacco com- 


130 


america's love affair with 
golden girls finds 
new life in jenny and pam 


B ombshells come in only one color. The Blonde Bombshell has been a national institution for the better part of the cen- 
tury. It started in Hollywood. As early as 1930, American men were smitten with Jean Harlow, then endured a deep 
crush on the Beautiful Blonde From Bashful Bend, Betty Grable. From there the country fell in love with Marilyn Monroe— 
the blonde to whom all others are compared. She made a memorable appearance in the first issue of pLavsoy—the first of 
our dates with blonde destinies. MM was followed by the lusty Jayne Mansfield (Playmate, February 1955). Similarly, as 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA AND ARNY FREYTAG 


7, 


AMBITION 


Ursula Andress, Bo Derek, Kim Basinger and Sharon Stone quickened the n: nal libido, you could find them on our 
pages. Did we forget to mention Farrah Fawcett? There's just something compelling about sun-kissed hair. So was it any 
wonder that Madonna's rise to stardom was fueled by a boule of peroxide? Or that her global megaconcert event was called 
the Blonde Ambition Tour? And now we find ourselves with two reigning blonde superstars. Having introduced them to the 
world, we are poised to pay the proper tribute. So, with apologies to the raven- and red-haired, we salute Pam and Jenny. 131 


132 


ТЕТО DELIE RR 


217 


NITERUDTUMURE 


BES 
EVERYTHING 
BUT THE 


as it only yesterday 
(1994, actually) that 
Jenny McCarthy 
leaped from the cen- 
terfold of PLAYBOY to its cover as the 
newly crowned Playmate of the 
Year? Was it then only 12 months 
later that the market-savvy suits at 
MTV, smitten by Jenny's trademark 
blend ofsex and charisma, snapped 
her up to co-host its otherwise 
dopey dating show, Singled Out— 
which, thanks to Jenny, became an 
instant hit? And, finally, was it just 
one year after that that magazine 
publishers, television executives 
and casting directors nationwide ar- 
rived at the conclusion that any 
project which didn't have the name 
or likeness of Jenny McCarthy per- 
manently tattooed onto it was either 
boring, off the mark, dead on ar- 
rival or tragically unhip? Today the 
wonder from the South Side of 
Chicago with the boundless energy 
and a notorious repertoire of facial 
expressions is riding a wave of suc- 
cess that has her featured in some 
very provocative magazine ads and 
headlining two shows (one on MTV, 
the other about to launch on NBC). 
If we remember correctly, the last 
time someone made it this big this 
fast, her name was Pam Anderson. 


After being named 1994 Playmcte of 
the Year, Jenny mode a confession. "1 
feel like I was destined for this. Ever 
since 1 was little, l've loved being in 
front of the camera.” To soy the leost. In 
less than twa years, Jenny has convert- 
ed on otherwise ordinary gig on MTV 
into a perpetual showbiz cover stary 
(below). Simply put: A stor is barn. 


f one were to count just how 
many times in a week the aver- 
age guy had the opportunity to 
enjoy the face, body and singu- 
lar talents of Pamela Anderson Lee, 
one would have to do some serious 
math. After all, the bewitching 
blonde "wild child" from Vancou- 
ver turned Hollywood sensation ap- 
pears in more spotlights worldwide 
than McDonald's has buns. Think 
about it. On a typical day, Pam ap- 
preciation can take place: on the 
bikini beach drama Baywatch (the 
show is seen by 1 billion people each 
week); on syndicated reruns of 
Home Improvement; on her white-hot 
Best О. . . Playboy video (the tape 
was number one on the charts for 
three months running); in her own 
corner of pLayBoy's Web site (31,000 
Pam page accesses per day)—or, for 
that matter, on any of four zillion 
unauthorized Pam Anderson hot- 
houses in the Internet ether. But if 
that exposure weren't enough, Pam 
joined the ranks of the industry's 
greatest last spring when she hosted 
Saturday Night Live. And she was 
wise enough to add a little irony. 
Among her many wickedly comic 
bits that night was a dead-on send- 
up of another blonde sensation— 
someone named Jenny McCarthy. 


In only eight years, Pam has broken an 
esteemed PLAYBOY record: Including this 
issue, she hos appeared on seven covers, 
eclipsing Bo Derek end Lillian Müller. 
Not surprisingly, other magazines have 
caught the wave (below), enlisting Pam 
to attract every demographic segment 
from middle Americans to the dawn- 
tawn crowd to Beavis and Butt-headers. 


“Everyone says I'm 
fastic from head 
lo foe—tan't stand 
next to a radiator 


JANE 
FONDA 
А57 


SUPERMODEL 
| ‚WORKOUT VIDEOS. 


And now for the noked truth: Jenny McCorthy hosn't olwoys been o blonde. "1 wos born with white hair,” she told TV Guide, “but by 
eighth grode I wos o full brunette. Yuck! Disgusting.” Although redheoded Lucille Ball wos her idol, Jenny ond her heirdresser mom tin- 
kered with vorious formulas over the yeors (producing, ot one point, on occidentolly blue heod) before orriving ot the perfect golden hue. 


If Clairol wos right abaut blondes having more fun, then Pam Anderson is living up ta that slagan. What other celebrity is, simultane- 
ausly, a model, a TV star, a movie actress, her own stuntwaman, her own biographer (her memoir in progress is called Pamdemonium), 
the subject of hot-selling videos, trading cards and CD-ROMs, the wife of a rack stor and, oh yeah, a mom? Move over, Madanna. 


ee 


Jeriny McCarthy is the-most fa- 
mous blonde in America. Pam- 
ela Anderson Lee is the most 
famous blonde on the planet. 
Jenny and Pam. Pam and Jenny. 
In a culture forever in search of 
its roots, thank goodness that 
some of those roots are blonde. 


PLAYBOY 


Fred Goldman (continued from page 114) 


“His major was party. Ron didn’t keep up his grades, 
so he came back home. And that was disappointing.” 


Cards, of course, except that it was actu- 
ally where Fred kept his joints. “Years lat- 
er, when Ron was probably 18 or 19 
years old, we were having a talk one day, 
Ron, Kim and I, and I don’t even know 
how in the daylights it came up, but they 
said out of a clear blue sky, ‘Remember 
that little case you told us was for cards? 
We know what that was for. Why were 
you kidding us? And here they were, 
they were probably ten and seven at that 
time and knew exactly what was going 
on. I almost fell off my chair. But I was 
real open about that stuff as they became 
older. We talked about smoking, drink- 
ing and so forth. For me it was real sim- 
ple—I'm not naive enough to think that 
you're never going to try anything. So if 
you're going to try, tell me, we'll do it 
together.” 

Fred was also open to discussion about 
the women he was dating. “You know, ‘Is 
this somebody you think that you care 
about?’ It was kind of cute. I'd get the lit- 
tle looks from Ron and Kim when they 
were younger. You know, little shakes of 
heads, or thumbs-down or thumbs-up.” 

What wasn't so cute was Ron's first se- 
mester at Illinois State University. “His 
major was party,” Fred says, “and we had 
a deal when Ron went off to college that 
if he didn't keep up his grades he'd be 
coming back home. Ron didn't keep up 
his grades, so he came back home. And 
that was disappointing." Disappointing 
is one word for it. Fred is candid about 
his distress with his son's lack of purpose 
in His Name Is Ron, the book he and his 
family wrote with William and Marilyn 
Hoffer. 

Kim talks just as candidly of how 
much stricter Fred had been with Ron 
than with her—"I mean, I could do no 
wrong in Daddy's eyes"—and how diffi- 
cult it was for her father to accept the 
pace of Ron's development. “Ron wasn't 
big on school and working. My dad 
couldn't understand that because he'd 
always worked and always went to school 
and, of course, that’s what his son was 
going to do. He never said, ‘You're going 
to be a doctor,’ but he wanted my broth- 
er to appreciate the concept of going to 
school and earning a living and my 
brother wasn't at that point yet." 

It's moving to meet Kim after seeing 
her so often, and in such terrible dis- 
tress, on TV. She has a sharp, restless 
intelligence, and there are layers of 
complexity in her relationship with her 
late brother that go too deep for any 
stranger to fathom. Since outspokenness 
seems to run in the family, Kim had no 


142 compunctions, half a year before Ron 


died, about sending him an angry letter 
in which she spoke of how he'd come to 
take her for granted. But her anger was 
only an index of how tight and passion- 
ate their bond really was. And it was 
tight for some reasons that had nothing 
to do with the siblings' sticking together 
through the tribulations of divorce and 
custody. In 1985, when Kim was 14, she 
and Ron went to Florida over Christmas 
vacation with their dad and his friend 
Patti Glass; Glass had already received 
an unconditional thumbs-up from both 
kids, and would later become Fred's 
wife. As they were driving in Fred's sta- 
tion wagon, Fred and Patti in the front, 
Ron and Kim in the back, a battery 
dropped from an oncoming car, crashed 
through the station wagon's windshield, 
flew past Fred and Patti and hit Kim. 
"The battery splashed acid over her face 
and eyes, leaving her temporarily blind, 
severely burned and close to death. It 
was Ron who pulled her out of the car. 
(Since then Kim has had five surgeries 
on her face, with three more to go.) 

In 1987 Fred and Patti were married 
and, three days later, everyone moved to 
California. Given the terrible fate that 
the Golden State held in store for his 
young son, Fred might now be expect- 
ed to regret ever leaving the Midwest, 
and in the most obvious way he does. 
"Surely, it's easy to say we should never 
have moved, that maybe if we'd lived 
someplace else Ron wouldn't have come 
in contact with Nicole and therefore 
wouldn't have had a reason to return 
the glasses. You know, those are all the 
unknowns. Those are the hard parts. 
"Those are the real hard parts." 

Still, he refuses to reedit, with the wis- 
dom of hindsight, a chapter of family 
history that was marked with tension, 
yes, but also full of happiness and prom- 
ise for him and Ron alike. (Not for Kim, 
who was still in high school, with a first 
boyfriend she didn't want to leave. "I'm 
not a fan of California," she says. “I was 
kicking and screaming, but my brother 
was running to the airport.") 

Fred bristles at the subject of the fast. 
life in Brentwood. He's heard the glee- 
fully malicious stories about his son as a 
coked-out, drug-dealing, heavy-drink- 
ing, sexually adventuring, social-climb- 
ing party boy, but he buys none of them, 
none of them at all. “Ron didn't partici- 
pate in that life. Was he around it? Yeah, 
I guess the answer would be yes. But 
that wasn’t who Ron was.” 

In His Name Is Ron, Fred writes that 
there were two Rons: the carefree, cocky 
kid whose taste for adyenture was em- 


phasized, after his death, by the nightly 
news and tabloid shows, and “the warm, 
vulnerable, incurable romantic who 
loved to send flowers, create intimate 
dinners, write notes and send cards. 

While there may have been more 
Rons—every child has a secret life, and 
every parent's lot is not to know it—you 
get a sense of at least two Freds when you 
talk to him about that troubled period in 
his son's growing up. 

One Fred took measure of reality and 
made a hard decision. Ron had started 
spending big-time, at least in proportion 
to his small earnings, and managed to 
run up what was, for him, a staggering 
load of credit card debt. Fred's response 
was tough love. "I told Ron I was not just 
going to bail him out. I wasn't going to 
plunk down $12,000, $14,000 and say, 
"You're all done,’ you know, and let him 
start anew. Part of my psyche said, You 
make your bed, you lie in it. And I think 
Ron knew that. 1 know Ron knew that, 
and he was responsible enough to say, 
"You're right." Instead of bailing him 
out, Fred took his son to a financial 
counselor who helped him file for bank- 
ruptcy. It was a bitter pill to swallow, for 
father and son alike. 

The other Fred, the open, trusting, 
emotional one who didn't want to be a 
cold, half-baked version of the tough 
cookie he'd had for a father, loved and 
adored Ron for the right reasons, the 
wrong reasons, for no reason and every 
Teason. 

Fred loved Ron's energy: “Ron was ex- 
uberant. He was just bubbly. And I think 
that’s a lot of what drew people to him; 
he was that way all the time. I would 
go into restaurants where Ron was work- 
ing and he was just a kick to watch. 
He was outgoing and people responded 
accordingly. Managers in the restaurants 
would say, ‘Ron has people who come 
in and ask just for him. They don't 
want to sit anywhere except where Ron's 
waitering.’” 

Ronald Lyle Goldman grew up in op- 
timistic times; he came into his manhood 
in the optimism capital of the world. 
What's more—and this is what gives the 
story of Fred’s fatherhood such curren- 
cy—Ron grew up at a time in this lucky 
nation’s history when most parents want 
their children to be happy, come what 
may, and when adolescence often ex- 
tends to the age of 30 or beyond. Lots of 
people who finally get their acts together 
bump along in amiable aimlessness for 
the longest time, with no one sounding 
any alarms. And, in truth, Ron had al- 
ready taken aim. Fred’s first awareness 
of this came six or eight months before 
his son's death, when Ron told him he 
wanted to start a restaurant of his own 
and asked if he'd be interested in being a 
part of it. 

“I said, ‘Yes, but you have to tell me 
more,’ and his answer was, ‘Well, there's 


"These guys are so hip! Pue never even heard of the 
Ed’s Garage Film Festival.” 


Mi 
МОЁ? 


143 


PLA Y R 0OY 


144 


nothing really to tell you right now, I just 
wanted to know if you'd like to get in 
with me.' So we left it at that, But after 
Ron's death, Kim and I went through all 
of his things and we were overwhelmed 
to see how far he had gone with his 
dream. He had the names of chefs, peo- 
ple who were willing to invest, menus, 
ideas for decor and floor plans. The 
floor plan was in the shape of an ankh, 
the symbol Ron wore around his neck 
and had in a small tattoo. It's the Egyp- 
tian symbol for eternal life.” 

If there's anything worse for a loving 
parent than losing a child, it must be los- 
ing a child at the very moment when that 
child's life is joyously, almost miraculous- 
ly, turning around. Fred's loss at such a 
moment, in conjunction with the hid- 
cous circumstances of his son's death and 
the utterly unprecedented frenzy of the 
criminal trial, explains much about why 
he leaped into prominence as he did. 


Among the many circumstances in 
Fred Goldman's life that no one could 
have predicted is his status, at the age of 
56, asa quasi celebrity. It's a mixed bless- 
ing. Earlier this year, for example, in 
his capacity as spokesman for the Safe 
Streets Alliance, he, Kim and Patti at- 
tended a White House correspondents 
dinner in Washington. The morning af- 
ter, a gossip columnist in the New York 
Post proclaimed that Fred had tried, 
loudly and pushily, to strike up a conver- 
sation with President Clinton but was re- 
buffed by the Secret Service. 


"Boy, was that a pile of shit,” he says, 
shaking his head in wonderment at the 
workings of the Fourth Estate. "The 
truth is, [ simply went up to someone 
who probably was Secret Service and 
said Га like to meet the president. He 
simply said, ‘You'll have to talk to some- 
one on his staff.' Minutes later I talked to 
someone on his staff, and near the end of 
the dinner they came to find us and took 
us back to see him. Bizarre. Kind of like 
what we read during the trials." 

By the same token, Fred gives thanks 
for his Safe Streets Alliance post. "The 
more I learn about what goes on relative 
to crime and the criminal justice system. 
in this country, the angrier I get. And 
were I not able to speak out in an at- 
tempt to change it, I'd really be going 
nuts now." 

"The anger shows, but so does the seiz- 
ing intelligence as Fred rattles off the 
facts and figures. Forty million crimes a 
year. Ten million of those violent crimes. 
And 260 million people. *Do the math. 
"That's one out of every six or seven peo- 
ple who'll be statistically a victim of 
crime. One out of every six or seven. 
"Thats horrendous!” His command of 
data and their significance is impressive. 
He seems to be a man once again in con- 
trol of his world. 

Yet Kim, who now works for a TV pro- 
duction company in Los Angeles, isn't so 
sure. She speaks with fond, anxious hu- 
mor of his longstanding problem re- 
membering mundane things, as op- 
posed to facts and figures: his need, for 
instance, to remind himself to get gas by 


“My wife! My liquor! My girlfriend!” 


sticking big Post-its saying Gas on his 
dashboard. “We used to tease my dad 
that he suffered from CRS—Can't Re- 
member Shit. Now he suffers from 
CRAFT—Can’t Remember a Fucking 
Thing.” She's less humorous and more 
anxious about how scattered he's be- 
come in other ways. "Oftentimes I'll be 
on the phone and I'm like, ‘OK, call me 
back when you're paying attention, be- 
cause I can tell when he's not. And that 
scares me, it's upsetting to me. I don't 
blame him. 1 know it's not his fault. It's 
like my stepmom says all the time, he's 
just in a daze. And I understand it be- 
cause I find myself walking around dur- 
ing the day completely in a fog and not 
feeling grounded either." 

Just as much as her father, though less 
in the public eye, Kim still fights an up- 
hill battle to regain some semblance of a 
normal life. She would rather be back in 
northern California, where, before Ron’s 
death, she studied psychology and was 
working in her field. But then the first 
trial started and Kim moved to Los An- 
geles, spending every day in court and 
running through all her savings. "When 
the criminal case was over I was out of 
my mind and having a breakdown and 
had bills to pay and somebody said, ‘I 
have a job here,’ and I'm like, ‘Great, 
great, great.'” She's also struggling with 
a conflict between her need to be close to 
her father and her yearning for inde- 
pendence. “It's really taken a toll on our 
relationship. He's a hundred times more 
protective of me now than he ever was. 
He cannot let go for anything. A lot of 
what my dad does and says to me is out 
of love and care, and I know that and I 
love it, but sometimes it suffocates me." 

Fred pleads guilty to these fearful con- 
cerns for his daughter, and for Patti's 
children, Lauren and Michael, too. If his 
parenting style has changed, so has the 
world around him. "Yeah, I'm more 
worried about Kim now than before— 
where she is and how she is, where she's 
going, how she's going there, is she 
alone? [ust yesterday Lauren made men- 
tion of the fact that at the age of 16 she 
met some guy when she was out driv- 
ing someplace and it really shocked me, 
it gave me a real grab at the gut—'Oh, 
my God, who is this person?” And with 
Michael, who's away at school at the Uni- 
versity of Arizona, he's there and we're 
here. You begin to see things, and it af- 
fects not only yourself but also others 
around you.” In time Fred Goldman 
may come to see things in a better light, 
but for now the outlook remains cloud- 
ed. "People throw around terms like 'clo- 
sure' and 'things getting back to nor- 
mal,” he says quietly. “The fact is, there 
is no closure to that act of violence. 
There is no normalcy anymore. Normal- 
cy would be Ron still here." 


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146 


PRO FOOT! 


ОСТРА. (continued from page 124) 


There are no weaknesses on this team. The Pack is back. 
I don't expect them to go away again any time soon. 


George? Now that the three of you 
understand what you are supposed to 
do, do it. 


АТА FOOTBALL CONFERF, 


Ce 


CENTRAL DIVISION 


"Wit-cacd team. 


In football, timing is everything. The 
Packers couldn't have become Super 
Bowl champs at a more propitious mo- 
ment if they had planned it themselves. 
Green Bay is a whiff of fresh air, and 
the Packers are the most popular NFL 
champions in 30 years. (That was the last 
time Green Bay won an NFL tide.) With 
their 35-21 Super Bowl victory over the 
gritty Patriots, the Packers now own 12 
NEL championships, by far the most in 
league history. For the second straight 
year, QB Brett Favre was voted the 
league’s MVP. He performed brilliantly, 


throwing 39 touchdown passes. When 
those 39 are combined with the 33 he 
threw in 1994 and the 38 in 1995, 
Favre's three-year average is way better 
than that of any other NFC QB, ever. 
But the season didn’t start out so 
promisingly. Before it began, Favre went 
public with an announcement that he’d 
become addicted to painkillers. He suc- 
cessfully completed a drug rehab pro- 
gram and then went out and made histo- 
ry without missing a beat. 

“Given everything he has had to deal 
with, I think last year was better than 
the year before,” observed coach Mike 
Holmgren. 

But the Packers had a lot more than 
Favre going for them. Green Bay was the 
first team since the 1972 Dolphins to 
score the most points in the league (a 
team-record 456) and give up the few- 
est in a season (210). Almost everything 
the Pack did seemed to break records. 
Green Bay allowed just 19 TDs during 
the season, the fewest since the NFL ex- 
panded to a 16-game schedule in 1978. 
Defensive end Reggie White, the team’s 
inspirational leader, had a record-setting 


“The brass upstairs has no 
problem with your coming out of the closet, but asked 
if you could postpone the announcement 
until the next sweeps week.” 


three sacks in the Super Bowl. 

There are no weaknesses on this team. 
The Packers weren't hurt by free agen- 
cy—they got over the loss of kick return- 
er Desmond Howard by signing Viking 
Qadry Ismail—and they used the college 
draft to add depth. The Pack is back. I 
don't expect them to go away again any 
time soon. 

It's fitting that NBC's hit TV series ER 
takes place in Chicago. The Bears can 
relate to a show about a busy emergency 
room, because last season they sent more 
players to the hospital than any other 
team in the league. Unfortunately, most 
of them were Bears. I've seen the team's 
hospital reports: 12 players went on in- 
jured reserve and 31 others were held 
out of games because of assorted in- 
juries. All told, Bears players lost 144 
games to injuries, including 67 among 
starters. The most severe injury (in 
terms of both its nature and its conse- 
quence to the team) was the herniated 
disk that OB Erik Kramer suffered dur- 
ing the fourth game of the season. He 
missed the rest of the year, and Chicago 
missed the heart of its offense. 

“We went from one of the top-scoring 
teams to 26th in the league, one of the 
worst," coach Dave Wannstedt correctly 
pointed out. 

Kramer is indispensable to the Bears. 
In 1995, he set single-season team rec- 
ords for pass attempts, completions and 
TD passes. The good news is that he's 
whole again and ready to rumble. The 
puzzling news is that what passes for the 
team's brain trust swung an expensive 
deal with Seattle to bring in Rick Mirer 
as insurance for Kramer. 1 suppose Da 
Braintrust feels secure knowing Da 
Bears have a multimillion-dollar backup 
on the bench. Holy salary cap! 

Chicago is coming off a 7-9 showing 
and has a couple of explosive offensive 
weapons in its arsenal. Last season Cur- 
tis Conway became the first Bears WR to 
have back-to-back 1000-yard seasons. 
That was more or less inevitable—the 
Bears attempted a franchise-record 551 
passes 

The Bears didn't have a first-round 
pick in the college draft, but got USC 
tight end John Allred in the second 
round and in the fourth made off with 
what may turn out to be the last great 
draft heist of the century—Northwest- 
ern RB Darnell Autry. 1f the Bears can 
avoid another rash of injuries, they're 
going to surprise some people. This is a 
good team and Wannstedt is a sound 
coach. 

Last season the Buccaneers endured 
their 14th straight losing season. But 
even though they finished 6-10, the 
Bucs went out with a bang. First-year 
head coach Tony Dungy was ridiculed 
when his team started out 1-8, but the 
Bucs won five of their last seven games. 
Tampa fans are unaccustomed to being 
optimistic about the Bucs, but their team 


is now worth rooting for. The Bucs don't 
yet know how to win on the road (they 
were 1-7 in away games), but Dungy will 
teach them. A defensive guru with the 
Vikings before becoming only the fourth 
African American head coach in the 
NFL, Dungy emphasized his specialty 
when he took over last year. After the 
first five games of 1996, the Buccaneers’ 
defense ranked 27th in the league. By 
the end of the season, it had advanced 
to 11th. Dungy did it with defense be- 
cause his team didn’t really have an of- 
fense: The Bucs scored a league-low 221 
points. Much-maligned QB Trent Dilfer 
was a big part of the problem, especially 
in the early part of the season (he threw 
one touchdown pass and ten intercep- 
tions during the first five games). But 
Dilfer hung tough and finished with 12 
TD passes and 19 interceptions, which is 
lamentable but not ludicrous. 

Middle linebacker Hardy Nickerson 
can't get much better—he made 120 
tackles last season and was the only Buc 
to earn a trip to the Pro Bowl. Two 1995 
draft choices are already panning out 
big-time: Linebacker Derrick Brooks led 
the Bucs in tackles (133) and DT Warren 
Sapp executed a team-high nine sacks. 
The Bucs have had two straight years 
of excellent defensive drafts. This time 
around they concentrated on offense 
and came away with three great pros- 
pects—Florida State RB Warrick Dunn, 
Florida WR Reidel Anthony and Wis- 
consin tackle Jerry Wunsch. Dungy ex- 
pects his team to make the playoffs this 
season. Keep an eye on the Bucs. 

"The Wayne Fontes era is finally over in 
Detroit. He went out the way he knew he 
would, Before each of the past three sea- 
sons, owner William Clay Ford promised 
to fire Fontes if the Lions didn’t make 
the playoffs. Last year they finished 5-11 
and Ford pink-slipped Fontes. Bobby 
Ross (you remember him from San 
Diego) is the new head honcho in town, 
which should make QB Scott Mitchell 
happy. In 1995 Mitchell passed for more 
than 4000 yards and 32 TDs. Last year 
he slumped badly (fewer than 3000 
yards, 17 TDs and 17 interceptions) and 
spent much of the season feuding with 
Fontes. 

Ross takes over a team that has awe- 
some offensive assets. Consider some of 
the numbers the Lions posted last year 
The incomparable Barry Sanders was 
the NFUs leading ground gainer with 
1553 yards (his eighth straight season 
with more than 1000 yards); and WR 
Herman Moore, who set a league record 
with 123 catches in 1995, had another 
banner year with 106 grabs for 1296 
yards. With Brett Perriman, the Lions’ 
other high-octane WR (94 receptions, 
1021 yards), going to Kansas City, John- 
nie Morton will have to pick up the slack. 

If you're beginning to wonder why 
the Lions won only five games, think 


BETTING THE SPREAD 


It is estimated that more money is 
bet on a Monday night football game 
than changes hands in that day's 
stock market. Americans bet at least 
$5 billion illegally a week on pro and 
college football. Minimum. As many 
as 40 million American adults placed 
$5.5 billion in bets on the Super 
Bowl, either with friends, in office 
pools or with bookmakers. 

In 1976 Nevada's eight legal sports 
books handled nearly $57 оп in 
wagers. For the year leading up to 
June 1996—the latest figures avail- 
able—the state's 123 legal sports 
books handled more than $2.4 billion 
in sports bets. The money was hand- 
ed over in cash. The great majority of 
it was placed on college and pro foot- 
ball games. 

Credit the point spread. In the ear- 
ly Thirties, the only way to bet games 
was by the money line. Bookmakers 
quoted numerical odds on games: 
2-1, 5-2, 4-1, 8-1 and so on. No one 
had yet thought of laying points in- 
stead of odds. 

Obvious mismatches didn't attract. 
serious money on either side. Gam- 
blers weren't interested in putting up 
$500 to win $100, or $100 to win $20. 

In 1938 that began to change. 
when the Chicago Gym Club, a hang- 
out for sporting types, began taking 
bets on college and pro football 
games. The club offered the money- 
line odds (2-1, 7-5, etc.) posted by 
Bill Hecht, a successful Minneapolis 
bookmaker whose betting lines were 
distributed by Gorham Press Football 
Service. Hecht's odds were so reliable 
that newspapers began publishing. 
them as a service to readers. At the 
Chicago Gym Club, one of the book- 
makers who used Hecht's line was 
Charles McNeil, a graduate of the 
University of Chicago and a whiz at 
math. In the early Thirties he worked 
as a securities analyst until after 
lunch, when he'd go to the club and 
book bets. By 1940 Hecht had invent- 
ed what was known as the “split line,” 
which was used to bet college basket- 
ball games. 

The split line was an ingenious 
wrinkle that worked in the following 
way: If Kentucky were favored to beat 
DePaul, the split line on the game 
might be Kentucky by 6/8—Kentucky 
bettors would collect only if the Wild- 
cats won by more than eight points, 
while DePaul bettors would collect 
only ifthe Blue Demons lost by fewer 
than six points. If Kentucky won by 


seven points, bettors on both sides 
lost to the bookmaker, who had “mi 
dled” them. If Kentucky won by eight 
points, Wildcats bettors broke even (a 
“push”) and Blue Demons bettors 
had to pay up. If DePaul lost by six 
points, DePaul bets were a push, and 
Kentucky bets were losers. 

Bettors loved the novelty of this 
earliest known example of point- 
spread betting. They stopped enjoy- 
ing it within a year or two because 
bookmakers were cleaning them out. 
The split line was a great betting 
proposition—for bookies. 

The split line also offered another 
precedent: a commission (gamblers 
call it vigorish) paid to the bookie. A 
winning $10 bet (in whatever multi- 
ple) resulted in a $9 win. The book- 
maker's fee of a dollar equaled an 11 
percent commission on losing bets. 

Enter Ed Curd of Lexington, Ken- 
tucky, who by 1940 was taking the 
biggest sports bets in the country. Op- 
erating out of the Mayfair Bar in Lex- 
ington, Curd offered point-spread 
betting as we know it today. Curd also 
changed the vigorish. Instead of re- 
quiring bettors to lay $10 to win $9, 
he changed it to $11 to win $10—and 
that’s still the standard today. 

The point spread isn’t a handicap- 
per’s best assessment of two teams’ 
strengths and weaknesses. Ideally, the 
point spread will maximize betting 
interest in both teams. In January's 
Super Bowl the Packers were 14- 
point favorites over the Patriots. The 
$5.5 billion bet on the game was be- 
cause fans of both teams thought 
their boys would beat the spread. 

By the fourth quarter, the Packers 
had the game sewed up, but millions 
of Americans stayed glued to their 
TVs. With time running out and 
Green Bay ahead 35-21, bets on both 
teams would be won or lost if either 
team scored again. 

Neither team did—95 percent of 
bets on the game ended in a tie—but 
that high level of suspense is why the 
Super Bowl is among the most- 
watched programs shown on TV. 
Without point-spread betting, the Su- 
per Bowl wouldn't draw spectacular 
TV ratings. Without point-spread 
betting, pro football would probably 
be televised only by one or two cable 
networks. Without point-spread bet- 
ting, pro football would be about as 
popular as tennis—or golf, B.T. (Be- 
fore Tiger). 

But that’s another story. 


—D.S. 


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defense. Ross has all the toys a fine of- 
fensive coach could ask for, but they 
won't be enough for him to turn this 
team around in the blink of an eye. 

The Vikings have appeared in four 
Super Bowls (they're 0-4), but lately 
they've been stymied a lot sooner. Coach 
Dennis Green has taken Minnesota to 
the playoffs in four of the past five 
years, but the Vikes haven't done squat. 
Green's 0-4 playoff record is the worst 
among all NFL coaches. 

The good news about last season is 
that the 9-7 Vikes discovered QB Brad 
Johnson. He connected on 62.7 percent 
of his passes for 2258 yards and 17 TDs. 
Johnson, who started eight games and 
finished four others, was rewarded with 
a four-year, $15.5 million contract. 

Cris Carter (96 receptions for 1163 
yards) and Jake Reed (72 for 1320) be- 
came the first pair of NFL wide receivers 
to post three consecutive 1000-yard sea- 
sons. Minnesota would be much more 
menacing if it had a dependable running 
game. For the second straight season, 
RB Robert Smith proved too frail to car- 
ry the mail. He's on the border of being 
sensational—Smith ran for 692 yards in 
half a season—but he didn’t play after 
the Vikings’ eighth game. Defensive 
tackle John Randle topped the team in 
sacks (11%) and DB Orlando Thomas 
had five interceptions, but that was 
about all the Vikings could muster on 
defense. They drafted heavily in that 
area, but may not have much to show 
for it. 


TIONAL FOOTBALL CONFEREY 7, 


WESTERN DIVISION 


wild-card team. 


Niners owner Ed DeBartolo Jr. con- 
siders any year the 49ers don’t win the 
Super Bowl a minor disaster, Last season 
was a major disaster: San Francisco 
didn't win the division title. The 49ers 
were dethroned—and beaten badly both 
times during the season—by the par- 
venu Panthers from Carolina, who prob- 
ably can't tell a chardonnay from a chan- 
delier. To add insult to injury, the 49ers 
were pounded by the Packers in the 
playoffs. 

DeBartolo took quick action. Before 
the Super Bowl, George Seifert an- 
nounced he was stepping down as 49ers 
head coach. Seiferts departure mea- 
sured 9.8 on the Richter scale and really 
rocked San Francisco. In his eight ycars 
at the helm of the Niners, Seifert com- 
piled the highest winning percentage 
(.755) of any coach in the history of the 
NFL. A day after his induced resigna- 
tion, the 49ers replaced him with Steve 


Mariucci, who had been the head coach 
at the University of California for exact- 
ly one season. Just before that, however, 
he'd spent four ycars in Green Bay 
coaching Brett Favre, who gladly ac- 
knowledges the important role Mariucci 
played in his development. 

The 49ers knew they had to start 
grooming a replacement for QB Steve 
Young, who spent last season starring in 
a brilliant nightmare. Young had multi- 
ple injuries (including concussions), 
missed parts or all of several games and 
wound up having his ribs broken while 
scoring a touchdown against the Fagles 
in the NFC wild-card game. Despite all 
the punishment he absorbed, Young 
again finished as the NFLs top-rated 
passer. Wide receiver Jerry Rice—he's 
played a dozen years and has yet to lose 
a step—caught 108 passes to lead the 
league in catches. 

DeBartolo and team president Car- 
men Policy knew they had to provide 
Young with more protection. They 
signed a pair of top-notch free agents. 
Massive OG Kevin Gogan (6/7", 325 
pounds) was a Raiders standout, and RB 
Garrison Hearst led the Bengals in rush- 
ing last year with 847 yards. The reap- 
pearance of a 49ers running attack could 
add a year or two to Young's career. Mar- 
iucci thinks San Francisco has found its. 
QB of the future. In the first round of 
the college draft, the 49ers came away 
with Virginia Tech's 64^, cannon-armed 
Jim Druckenmiller, the top-rated QB in 
college ball last year. 

The 49ers defense has the NFLs best 
pair of interior pass rushers in D'Ts Dana 
Stubblefield and Bryant Young. Line- 
backer Ken Norton Jr. had another solid 
year, and Merton Hanks and Tim Mc- 
Donald are the best pair of safeties in 
the NFL. 

A tip: Don't ever count San Francisco 
out. Only DeBartolo would have been 
alarmed by his team's 12-4 record. The 
49ers have won five Super Bowls in 
a record-setting span of 15 years. It 
wouldn't surprise me if they win a sixth 
in Janvary. 

Don't call Carolina an expansion 
team. At least not in front of 49ers presi- 
dent Carmen Policy. He and several oth- 
er NFL executives think the league gave 
the Panthers and Jaguars way too much 
help. They have a point, but 1 think the 
NFL's better off with two more power- 
houses than with a new pair of patsies. 
And the Panthers are a powerhouse, 
make no mistake about it. Carolina fin- 
ished 124 (only the Packers and Bron- 
cos—both went 13-3—had better rec- 
ords), defeated Dallas in the playoffs and 
wound up in the NFC championship 
game in Green Bay, where they were 
thrashed. 

“I didn't have a five-year plan," said 
Carolina coach Dom Capers. "My plan 
was to do the best job I could every day.” 
Voted NFL Coach of the Year, Capers 


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made it look easy, but it wasn't. His num- 
ber one 1996 draft pick and featured 
RB, Tim Biakabutuka, was injured and 
lost for the year in the Panthers’ fourth 
game. Capers replaced him with little- 
known Anthony Johnson, who's now 
better known after rushing for 1120 
yards. Capers didn't ask second-year QB 
Kerry Collins to do more than he was 
ready to do, and as a result Collins 
played with poise and completed 56 per- 
cent of his passes, including 14 for TDs. 

Capers’ innovative blitzing defense is 
the Panthers’ most potent weapon, Car- 
olina ran up a league-leading 60 sacks. 
Linebackers Kevin Greene (his 14% were 
tops in the NFL) and Lamar Lathon 
(13%) terrorized many of the QBs they 
faced. The intimidation will get worse. 
Carolina’s influx of free agents now in- 
cludes DE Ray Seals (Steelers) and LB 
Micheal Barrow (Oilers). These Pan- 
thers are ferocious and for real. 

Itstrikes me asa little weird that Rams 
owner Georgia Frontiere recruited her 
team’s new cadre of top coaches almost 
exclusively from among the ranks of So- 
cial Security recipients. Maybe I'm over- 
stating this. New head coach Dick Ver- 
meil is only 60, but he hasn't coached 
football in 14 years, so perhaps his youth 
shouldn't be held against him. His top 
assistants—Dick Coury (67), Bud Carson 
(66), Jim Hanifan (63) and Mike White 
(61)—are all old enough to be grandpas 
to their players. I realize Georgia wants 
to hang with guys close to her own 
age, but isn’t this carrying matters a bit 
too far? 

Vermeil may discover that he's walked 
into quicksand. The Rams were 6-10 last 
season and committed some enormous 
personnel blunders. The worst of them 
was sending RB Jerome Bettis to Pitts- 
burgh because the former coaches were 
so intent on replacing him with number 
one draft choice Lawrence Phillips. Phil- 
lips turned out to be a dud on the field 
and a police problem in his spare time. 

Rookie QB Tony Banks completed an 
NFC-low 52.2 percent of his passes, but 
showed everyone he has a strong arm. 
He also showed everyone he has weak 
hands—Banks fumbled an astonishing 
21 times, accounting for half the team’s 
record 42 drops. Thankfully, WR Isaac 
Bruce has what's known in the trade as 
soft hands—he caught 84 passes for an 
NFL-high 1338 yards. Rookie WR Eddie 
Kennison had 54 receptions for 924 
yards and a team-leading 11 TDs. He's 
terrific. 

The Rams’ biggest off-season move 
was signing free agent RB Craig Hey- 
ward, not so much to run as to be a pos- 
itive influence on Phillips. No knock on 
Heyward, but 1 think the Rams need 
better football players, not babysitters. 

Mike Ditka, the Saints’ new head 
coach, may soon wish he were back 
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PLAYBOY 


152 


Bowls, New Orleans and NFL football 
don't really go together. In the Saints’ 
30-year history, they've had just five win- 
ning seasons. Last year's wasn't one of 
them. The Saints were 3-13 and stunk 
up the Superdome. One home game 
drew a crowd of only 26,310, the small- 
est turnout in the team's history. 

Stay with me on tl The Saints 
ranked 28th in the NFL with a minus 15 
turnover ratio. They ranked seventh in 
penalties and 27th in possession time. 

"You correct those three things alone 
and you are going to win five more 
games, period," says Ditka. “We've got to 
create an attitude." 

That's easy for him to say; Ditka is an 
attitude. He'll soon discover it helps to 
have guys who can really play this game, 
especially on offense. The Saints desper- 
ately need a quality QB. Jim Everett was 
a journeyman, which is why Ditka cut 
him. Last year Everett threw more inter- 
ceptions (16) than TDs (12). The Saints" 
passing attack was inept, but it wasn't 
nearly as awful as their running game, 
which was dead last in the league. Ditka 
feels third-round draft choice Troy Da- 
vis, a highly rated RB from Iowa State, 
will provide immediate help, as will QB 
Heath Shuler, Washington’s number one 
pick a few years ago. 


“We will run the football,” Ditka has 
declared. 

The Saints will try to run the football. 
They won't get far. Prepare to see lots of 
‘TV shots of Iron Mike all steamed up on 
the sidelines. 

Atlanta hasn't been thrilled by the Fal- 
cons for a long, long time. In their 31- 
year history, the Falcons have had only 
seven winning seasons. To turn things 
around, team president Taylor Smith 
fired head coach June Jones and re- 
placed him with Dan Reeves, who was 
canned by the Giants. Despite going 
11-21 over the past two years, Reeves, 
who's spent most of his 16-year coaching 
career with the Broncos, is the tenth- 
winningest coach in NFL history. Re- 
versing the Falcons’ fortunes won't be 
easy. Reeves, a Georgia native (that 
ought to sell some tickets) buried the 
team's run-and-shoot offense his first 
day on the job. He hinted at a running. 
game with two tight ends, which is his 
style of play. 

"I've always said you win with a run- 
ning game and good defense, and that's 
not going to change,” Reeves says. 

The Falcons have a good RB in Jamal 
Anderson (1055 yards last season) and a 
new QB in Chris Chandler. Since 1994, 
Chandler has compiled a commendable 


"I remember when we had real heroes!” 


QB rating of 87.1 and a strong ratio of 
touchdowns to interceptions (40-23). 
Chandler has two excellent WRs in Bert 
Emanuel and Terance Mathis. The Fal- 
cons should be able to move well 
through the air, but their overall rushing 
game was 27th in the league last year. 

Reeves’ biggest concern will be to find 
a way to stop opponents from scoring— 
last year the Falcons fragile defense gave 
up a league-high 28.8 points a game. 
Reeves signed a pair of free-agent CBs 
(the Cardinals' Ronnie Bradford and the 
Colts’ Ray Buchanan) and picked up an- 
other one (Nebraska's Michael Booker) 
in the first round of the draft. That's a 
start, not a solution. 


RICAN FOOTBALL CONFER; 
e EASTERN DIVISION ENCE 
m ew Endand 
Miami". 
к Э Buffalo 
Indianapolis 
New York Jets . 
“Wildcard eam 


‘The Patriots, who gave the Packers a 
battle in the Super Bowl, are the NFL's 
second-youngest team. The team’s skill 
positions are all manned by young guys, 
starting with 25-year-old Pro Bowl QB 
Drew Bledsoe. Bledsoe is coming off a 
monster season in which he threw for 
4086 yards and 27 TDs. His primary tar- 
get was rookie WR Terry Glenn, who's 
now 23. Glenn was the reason Bill Par- 
cells left. Last year, when New England 
was ready to make its first college draft 
choice, Glenn—according to the Patri- 
ots’ own charts—was the highest-rated 
player available. Parcells, however, want- 
ed defensive help. It was finally left to 
owner Robert Kraft to insist that the 
team go with the best player out there— 
and after that, Parcells was a lame duck 
by choice. He did a great job, but the Pa- 
triots wouldn't have gotten to the Super 
Bowl without Glenn's NFL rookie-rec- 
ord 90 receptions (for 1132 yards and 
TDs). 

Tight end Ben Coates, one of the old- 
est veterans on this team—he's 28— 
caught 62 passes (682 yards and nine 
TDs) and was also voted to the AFC Pro 
Bowl team. So was 24-year-old RB Cur- 
tis Martin, who rambled for 1152 yards 
and 14 TDs. As explosive as its offense 
was, New England's defense was the de- 
termining factor in its AFC champi- 
onship season. The unit's leaders were 
DE Willie McGinest (he had a team-high 
9% sacks) and MLB Ted Johnson, who 
had a team-high 115 tackles. Both are 
young and figure to get better. 

I can't guarantee the Patriots will be 
back in the Super Bowl. But I can guar- 
antee this: The Patriots and Jets have 
never liked each other. Their rival 
about to become the hottest in the N 
and the Krafts have built an organization 


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PLAYBOY 


154 


that figures to be in the Super Bowl at 
least twice in the next four years. 

Jimmy Johnson's 8-8 record in his 
first year in Miami was a real achieve- 
ment. He inherited a payroll laden with 
fat contracts and had no room in the 
salary cap to go after free agents. So 
Johnson worked at building the Dol- 
phins the only way he could —hrough 
the draft. He looks at this season as 
a stepping-stone to a championship in 

1998, when he'll have $8 million in the 
salary cap to spend on free agents. By 
then, his roster will be filled with quality 
players like the ones he drafted in 1996 
and again this April, when he wound up 
with 14 picks, more than any team. Men- 
tion that and he'll give you a small aw- 
shucks smile. 

"I came back for one reason—to win," 
Johnson says. "If I don't do that, I'm go- 
ing to do something else." 

Johnson's rookie backfield of 1996 will 
provide the Dolphins with a potent run- 
ning game for the next ten years. Karim 
Abdul-Jabbar was the first Dolphin in 18 
years to rush for more than 1000 yards 
(he gained 1166). Fullback Stanley 
Pritchett is a bull-like blocker and a fine 
receiver. Well get a longer look at anoth- 


er breakaway back, Jerris McPhail, who 
broke his hand in November. At 36, QB 
Dan Marino is now the oldest Dolphin. 
Even though he completed better than 
59 percent of his passes, Marino is com- 
ing off one of his worst seasons. Last fall 
he passed for fewer than 3000 yards for 
the first time since his rookie season in 
1983. He'll be back with a vengeance. 

Middle linebacker Zach Thomas has 
turned out to be a prize. Many scouts 
wrote him off as too small, but he made 
plays all over the field and led the Dol- 
phins in tackles (180). Defensive end 
"Irace Armstrong had a breakthrough 
year with a career-high 12 sacks. In the 
college draft, Johnson got the lightning- 
quick WR he was looking for—Miami's 
Yatil Green, who has size (62^), speed 
(40 yards in 4.31 seconds) and smarts. 
Give Jimmy another year. 

Age has broken up the only team ever 
to go to four straight Super Bowls. 
Quarterback Jim Kelly, the Bills’ leader 
during that splendid span, retired af- 
ter last season. Buffalo's three other el- 
der statesmen are nearing the end of 
their careers, but they're still going full 
blast. Thurman Thomas is coming off 
his eighth straight year of rushing for 


“It does sort of ruin the honeymoon, but FBI agents always 
operate in pairs, as a safety precaution.” 


more than 1000 yards—he's only the 
second NFL running back ever to do 
that. Thomas has hinted that this will be 
his final campaign. Andre Reed came 
back from a season-ending injury in 
1995 to lead the Bills in receptions (66 
for 1036 yards). He's not ready to hang 
it up just yet. Neither is DE Bruce Smith. 
In 1996, Smith tied for the AFC lead 
in sacks (13%) and had 54 quarterback 
pressures. Middle linebacker Chris Spiel- 
man, comparatively young at 31, had a 
team-record 206 tackles. 

Coach Marv Levy thinks he can fill the 
vacancy at QB with Todd Collins, who 
last year presided over the Bills’ back-to- 
back wins against Dallas and Indianapo- 
lis. He appears to have the edge over Bil- 
ly Joe Hobert, whom the Bills got from 
Oakland. Because it may be Thomas’ last 
season, Buffalo went for a running back 
in the first round of the college draft and 
was happy to land Houston's Antowain 
Smith. The Bills are a team in transition, 
but they're pros in the best sense of the 
term. They'll give a good account of 
themselves. 

“This team isn't about numbers,” says 
Colts QB Jim Harbaugh. “This team has 
learned not to give up.” Harbaugh could 
have easily done so, but didn’t. Along 
with his injury-plagued teammates, he 
absorbed a brutal, season-long pound- 
ing in the course of leading an offense 
that had a hard time running. If the 
Colts want Harbaugh around, they'll 
have to upgrade their offensive line. The 
same applies to RB Marshall Faulk, who 
rarely found any running room. A two- 
time Pro Bowler during his first two 
years, Faulk averaged only three yards 
per carry and ended up gaining only 
587 for the season. Although you're not 
supposed to be able to win with a num- 
ber like that, Indianapolis was still able 
to go 9-7. The Colts’ offensive find of 
the year was WR Marvin Harrison, last 
year’s first-round draft choice. Harrison 
was the team’s leading receiver with 64 
catches for 836 yards and eight TDs. 
Wide receiver Sean Dawkins and Faulk 
also caught more than 50 passes. The 
Colts got a kick out of Cary Blanchard, 
who set an AFC record with 36 field 
goals (and only four misses). Hoping to 
keep Harbaugh and Faulk healthy this 
year, the Colts used their first-round 
draft choice on -pound California 
OT Tarik Glenn. 

Bill Parcells, who does things his own 
way because he can, fully intends to res- 
urrect a Jets franchise that’s been a joke 
ever since Joe Namath led the team to its 
epic Super Bowl victory in 1969. This is 
the only club in the league not to have 
won even a division title since the 1970 
merger of the AFL and NFL. Last year 
the Jets led the league in only one cate- 
gory—no-shows, more than 200,000 
of them. And Parcells left New England 
for this? 

Of course he did. Parcells knows that 


when—not if—he builds the Jets into 
champions, his nickname will change 
from the Big Tuna to something more 
fitting, perhaps King William of the 
Meadowlands. 

"There's some first-rate talent on this 
team. Last year the Jets paid $25 million 
for ex-Steeler QB Neil O'Donnell, who 
couldn't show much because of two dis- 
abling injuries. Parcells loves RB Adrian 
Murrell, who ran for 1249 yards. He al- 
so has a clutch WR in Wayne Chrebet 
(84 catches), and a tenacious DE, Hugh 
Douglas, who registered eight sacks de- 
spite missing six games (broken ankle). 
Big play WR Keyshawn Johnson—last 
year’s number one draft pick— instantly 
found himself in Parcells’ doghouse be- 
cause of a book he wrote that questioned 
O'Donnell's courage. Parcells was not 
amused. 

Parcells traded away the overall first 
pick in the draft and picked up a lot 
of good young players. King William 
knows what he's doing. 


AN FOOTBALL CO) 
X mar ENE 


Tennessee 


X Жу dacksorvile* - 9-7 

x + Pittsburgh. 8-8 
Cincinnai 8-8 
Baltimore. : 


wild-card tram. 


In May, the Oilers finally made a deal 
to get out of their contract with the As- 
trodome. So now they're in Tennessee, 
and a lot better off than they were when 
team owner Bud Adams first realized 
Nashville would dig deeper to get him 
than Houston would to keep him. 

Coach Jeff Fisher did an outstanding 
job with the Oilers last year, which 
turned out to be a schizoid season for his 
players. In the Astrodome, small crowds 
offered scant support—and who could 
blame them? The Oilers were 2-6 at 
home, 6-2 on the road. But running 
back Eddie George, the team's top draft 
pick, rushed for 1368 yards and was 
named Rookie of the Year. 

Quarterback Chris Chandler was hav- 
ing a solid season before he was injured. 
Fisher had already decided on going 
with strong-armed Steve McNair for the 
long haul, so Chandler was dealt to the 
Falcons. McNair responded by complet- 
ing 61.5 percent of his passes for a 
league-best average gain of better than 
eight yards. 

Placekicker Al Del Greco had a spec- 
tacular year. He set a club record with 32 
field goals and holds the team mark for 
highest FG percentage (82.8 percent). 
The Oilers lost CB Cris Dishman and LB 
Micheal Barrow to free agency. They'll 
be missed, but the team's sixth-ranked 
defense won't fall apart. Last year's team 
was the league's second-toughest to run 
on, and they'll play up to that standard 


again this season. The Oilers second- 
round draft choice was speedy Ten- 
nessee WR Joey Kent. He'll help McNair 
run a wide-open offense. 

Unlike Carolina, the Jaguars, the 
league's other two-year-old expansion 
team, didn’t appear to be going any- 
where when their record reached 4-7. 
At that point Coach Tom Coughlin made 
a shocking move by releasing slick veter- 
an WR Andre Rison. Maybe it was coin- 
cidence or maybe it was Rison's absence, 
but the Jaguars suddenly hit their stride. 
Jacksonville won the rest of its games, 
made it into postseason play as a wild- 
card entry and lit up the playoffs with 
unlikely victories on the road against 
heavily favored Buffalo and Denver. The 
Jaguars’ Cinderella season ended when 
they lost the AFC title game to the Patri- 
ots, 20-6. 

By then quarterback Mark Brunell 
had emerged as a star. He’s often com- 
pared to the 49ers’ Steve Young—and 
that seems about right. Like Young, 
Brunell is an accurate southpaw (he led 
the AFC with a 63.4 percent completion 
average) and a great open-field runner 
(he rushed for 396 yards). But neither 
Young nor anyone else came close to 
matching the 4367 passing yards that 
Brunell racked up. And he’s only going 
to get better. 

Led by RBs James Stewart and Na- 
trone Means (who seemed unstoppable 
in the playoffs), the Jaguars had enough 
ofa running game to wind up second in 
total offense. Rison’s departure opened 
the way for WR Jimmy Smith, who fin- 
ished with 83 catches for 1244 yards and 
seven touchdowns. The Jaguars’ lead- 


ing receiver, Keenan McCardell, pulled 
down 85 for 1129 yards. A young de- 
fense led by DE Tony Brackens, LB 
Kevin Hardy and CB Aaron Beasley 
came on strong during the Jags’ winning 
streak. They'll get better, too. The Jags 
could be a mini dynasty in the making. 

Over the past three years, no team has 
lost more quality free agents than Pitts- 
burgh. Yet the Steelers have managed to 
keep winning. Their front office is a keen 
judge of talent, and 40-year-old Bill 
‘Cowher is the best young coach in pro 
football. Cowher has put the Steelers in 
the playoffs ever since taking over for 
Chuck Noll five years ago. 

But it’s not getting any easier. This 
year Cowher has to compensate for the 
free-agent defections of WRs Ernie Mills 
and Andre Hastings, Pro Bowl LB Chad 
Brown, CBs Deon Figures and Willie 
Williams, and DE Ray Seals. One could 
start a new team with that group. Pitts- 
burgh also doesn’t have a big-time start- 
ing QB. Alter failing to get Jeff Hostetler, 
the Steelers re-signed Mike Tomczak, 
who threw more interceptions (17) than 
touchdown passes (15) last year. 

If it weren't for RB Jerome Bettis (sec- 
ond in the AFC with 1431 rushing yards) 
and a strong defense, the Steelers 
wouldn't have finished 10-6. Pittsburgh 
signed a pair of free-agent CBs—the 
Bears’ Donnell Woolford and the Dol- 
phins' J.B. Brown—so the team may still 
have a decent pass defense. It’s always a 
pleasure to watch Cowher pull rabbits 
out of a Steelers helmet. 

By the time the Bengals ended their 
season 8-8, the whole town seemed to be 
asking, “What if Bruce Coslet had been 


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Cincinnaü's head coach all year?” Good 
question. The day after the Bengals blew 
a 21-0 lead to San Francisco and fell to 
1-6, team owner Mike Brown (Paul’s 
son) fired David Shula (Don's son) and 
promoted Coslet, the team's offensive 
coordinator, to head coach. In 4% years 
under Shula, the Bengals had gone 
19-52. In nine weeks under Coslet, they 
went 7-2 and were one of the hottest 
teams in the league. The Bengals sud- 
denly began playing with confidence. 
Quarterback Jeff Blake, who had strug- 
gled through the first half of the season, 
got hot in a hurry. He wound up passing 
for 3624 yards and 24 touchdowns. 

Blake's favorite receiver, All-Pro wide- 
out Carl Pickens, led the AFC with a ca- 
reer-high 100 receptions for 1180 yards 
and 12 TDs. Running back Garrison 
Hearst, who started slowly after being 
picked up from Arizona in late August, 
finished with 847 yards. 1 still can't be- 
lieve Brown let Hearst, a free agent, sign 
a lowball contract with the 49ers, who 
couldn't offer much because they'd al- 
ready sliced and diced their salary cap 
six ways from Sunday. Brown obviously 
has more faith than I do in RB Ki-Jana 
Carter, the Bengals’ first-round draft 
choice in 1995. If Coslet can tighten the 
team’s frightful pass defense (29th in the 
league last year), the Bengals could be 
the surprise of the AFC Central. 

What an altruist we have in Art Mo- 
dell. Last year he whisked his Browns 
from Cleveland to Baltimore, renamed 
them the Ravens and made a serious 
bundle on the deal. Now he’s making 
noises about how much love he still car- 
ries for the Browns’ followers. 

“I left everything back there, not for 
the mayor or the county commission- 
ers but for the fans of Cleveland, the 
Browns fans who were so good to me 
over the years,” he said, laughing up his 
sleeve. You sure can spread it thick, Art. 

His team sucks, or at least it did last 
year. The Ravens went 4-12, but head 
coach Ted Marchibroda did great work 
with QB Vinny Testaverde, who had the 
best year of his career. Testaverde passed 
for 4177 yards and 33 TDs. Wide re- 
ceivers Michael Jackson (76 catches, 
1201 yards and 14 TDs) and Derrick 
Alexander (62 for 1099 yards and nine 
touchdowns) are as good a pair of wide- 
outs as any in the league. Running back 
Bam Morris, who didn't play until Octo- 
ber, averaged better than four yards a 
carry and gained 737. The Ravens had 
the МЕГ» second-best passing attack and 
third-best total offense. 

And the worst-ranked defense. It 
won't be nearly as dreadful this time 
around. Baltimore made a big move to 
improve when it signed Seattle DE Mi- 
chael McCrary, whose 13% sacks tied for 
the AFC lead. The Ravens also got de- 
fensive help in the draft with Florida 
State DE Peter Boulware and Virginia 
LB Jamie Sharper. 


SMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


WESTERN DIVISION 


Since 1984, when the Raiders became 
the last AFC team to win a Super Bowl, 
team owner Al Davis has had to live with 
diminishing returns, and it's driving him 
up the wall. Davis wants a return to the 
Raiders’ vaunted vertical passing attack, 
and he’s finally found a guy who can 
make it happen: Jeff George, the Fal- 
cons' rocket-armed QB who was sus- 
pended for 13 games after he mouthed 
off to head coach June Jones. Golly 
gee—another malcontent on the team? 
A few more and the Raiders will be solid- 
ly in touch with their roots. George fig- 
ures to flourish in Oakland, which has 
the NFLs fastest fleet of wide receivers: 
Tim Brown (a career-record 90 recep- 
tions for 1104 yards in 1996), James Jett 
(43 for 601 yards), Daryl Hobbs (44 for 
493 yards) and Packers free agent Des- 
mond Howard, who was named the Su- 
per Bowl MVP 

Assistant coach Joe Bugel is the new 
head man, and that’s another smart 
move by Davis. Bugel is experienced, 
sensible and well liked by his players. 
The rest of the pieces are in place: Oak- 
land's ground game is led by Napoleon 
Kaufman (874 yards, 5.8 yards a carry). 
"The Raiders' eighth-ranked defense will 
be tougher with the additions of safety 
Eric Turner (a free-agent pickup from 
Baltimore) and 320-pound USC tackle 
Darrell Russell, the top-rated defensive 
lineman in the college draft. On paper at 
least, the Raiders are loaded and look 
like they're going to the Super Bowl. Big 
Al and his bad boys are back. 

This past spring, Microsoft billionaire 
Paul Allen, who owns the Portland Trail 
Blazers, said he may not exercise his 
option to buy the Seahawks if Seattle 
doesn't build him a new stadium. In 
June, the voters bailed him out. If Allen 
didn't intend to buy out boorish Ken 
Behring, why did the Seahawks front of- 
fice get the green light to sign several 
high-priced free agents, including Vi- 
kings QB Warren Moon? Even more in- 
dicative of the Seahawks’ new bankroll; 
In the first round of the college drafi— 
with the third and sixth overall selec- 
tions—Seattle picked up an expensive 
pair of future All-Pros in Ohio State DB 
Shawn Springs and Florida State OT 
Walter Jones, No other team had a bet- 
ter draft. 

The Seahawks, 7-9 in 1996, might 
have made the playofis if QB John Friesz 
hadn't suffered a broken leg in the 11th 
game of the season. Seattle was 5-5 at 
that point and was riding a three-game 


Michael Jordan— Ticket to Greatness! 


Copr. ©1997 NBA 
Properties, Inc. Upper 
Deck and the Upper Deck 
logo arc trademarks of The 
Upper Deck Company, 
LLC. ©1997 The Upper 
Deck Company, LLC. All 
Rights Reserved. 


From 
The Upper Deck 
Company 


“25,000 Points” 
Big shot by big shot, none were any 
bigger than the 35 points Jordan 
scored vs. San Antonio in Game 16. 
With his last basket, Michael hit a mile- 
stone-his 25,000th career point! 

This milestone on Michael Jordan's drive 
for five is commemorated now in thrilling 
new art by celebrated painter Glen Green 
and includes Michael's facsimile autograph. 

“25,000 Points” is 8% inches tall and) 
comes with a 365-day money-back guaran- 
tee. This first-ever “game ticket” collector's 
plate is issued in a hand-numbered, strictly 


limited edition, so don't wait to get yours || 


at $34.95. Demand is bound to be hot for 
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now. Just mail the coupon today! 

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PE ACY BE OLY, 


158 


winning streak. 

Without Friesz, Seattle's air attack fiz- 
zled and wound up 24th in the league. 
Wide receiver Joey Galloway, who 
caught 67 passes for 1039 yards as a 
rookie, dropped off to 57 for 987 yards. 
The drop-off in RB Chris Warren's pro- 
duction was even more obvious. He went 
from 1346 yards and 15 IDs in 1995 to 
855 yards and five TDs last year. Run- 
ning back Lamar Smith (680 yards and 
eight TDs) probably will see more play- 
ing time this season. 

Defensively, Seattle appears tougher 
this fall, even with the departure of free- 
agent DE Michael McCrary, who tied 
Buffalo's Bruce Smith for the AFC sack 
title (they each had 13%). Defensive end 
Michael Sinclair (13 sacks) and All-Pro 
DT Cortez Kennedy (eight sacks) are still 
around, as are the other members of 
the Seahawks’ hard-charging front four, 
which totaled a league-high 38% sacks 
last year. Under Erickson, the Seahawks 
have become a well-coached team that's 
on the upswing. 

Denver's 30-27 loss to Jacksonville, an 
expansion team in its second season, was 
the biggest upset of the playoffs. Bron- 
cos players aren't going to forget last 
season. “Everything about this team was 
perfect, except the ending,” observed 
‘TE Shannon Sharpe, Denver's leading 
receiver (80 catches for 1062 yards and 
ten TDs). 

Quarterback John Elway, a 14-year 
veteran who played injury-free for the 


first time in a decade, had a career sea- 
son. Elway threw for 3328 yards and a 
personal-best 26 TDs. In addition to 
having the AFC's top-rated passer, the 
Broncos also had the AFC's top running 
back in Offensive Player of the Year Ter- 
rell Davis. He rushed for a franchise- 
record 1538 yards and 13 TDs. Denver's 
offense was the best in the league and 
figures to be no less lethal this fall. Two 
of Elway's favorite receivers are back— 
Sharpe and Ed McCaffrey (48 recep- 
tions). The pass receiving was further 
strengthened by the addition of free- 
agent WR Willie Green, Carolina’s sec- 
ond-leading receiver last year (46 catch- 
es). The Broncos will be hard to stop. 

Defensively, Denver got great results 
out of two free agents they signed last 
year, DE Alfred Williams (13 sacks) and 
LB Bill Romanowski, who made a num- 
ber of big plays. The big free-agent news 
in Denver this year was the acquisition of 
Chiefs DE Neil Smith. The Broncos’ stel- 
lar secondary will again be led by a pair 
of Pro Bowlers, safety Steve Atwater and 
CB Tyrone Braxton, who led the AFC 
with nine interceptions. The Broncos 
are still steamed at themselves for losing 
out on a Super Bowl berth that was sup- 
posed to be theirs. This could be Elway’s 
last shot at winning the big one. 

The Chiefs have developed an odd of- 
fensive tendency: Every time they need a 
quarterback, they sign whoever's sitting 
on the bench in San Francisco. First they 
landed Joe Montana in 1993, then Steve 


"That's the last time I go to a feel-good movie with you." 


Bono in 1994, and this year Elvis Grbac. 
“If we go with Grbac, our fans will per- 
ceive it as, ‘Oh, no, three in a row, " said 
Kansas City GM Carl Peterson just be- 
fore he went with Grbac. I don't have a 
clue as to why he allowed Jeff George to 
sign with the Raiders, the CI 
sional archrivals, but he did an 
mistake. The talented Chiefs remain a 
QB away from an AFC championship. 

Last year Kansas City (9-7) didn't 
make the playoffs for the first time in the 
Nineties. The Chiefs simply fell apart to- 
ward the end of the season and lost four 
of their last five games (including two at 
home, where they were unbeaten in 
1995). None of it came as a surprise. 
Kansas City's ground game, led by the 
apparently ageless Marcus Allen (830 
yards and nine TDs) and Greg Hill (645 
yards), was the fourth-best in the league. 
But KC's passing game ranked 26th. If 
you can't pass, you can't win in the NFL. 
Bono obviously wasn't the answer. Grbac 
may be, but not right away. The Chiefs’ 
leading receiver last year was RB Kimble 
Anders, so GM Peterson moved up in 
the draft and came away with highly 
touted California TE Tony Gonzalez. He 
also signed WRs Brett Perriman (De- 
troit) and Andre Rison (Green Bay). The 
team's biggest letdown was its defense. 
Kansas City tumbled from having the 
NFLs second-best defense in 1995 to 
the 18th-best last fall. The Chiefs’ once- 
powerful pass rush was absent all sea- 
son and only Derrick Thomas (13 sacks) 
seemed visible. The loss of Neil Smith to 
Denver will be a big-time hurt. 

What a strange and miserable trip it's 
been for San Diego. Three years ago the 
Chargers were in the Super Bowl. Last 
year they finished 8-8, and this season 
their free fall will end only when they 
hit the basement floor. Bobby Ross, the 
coach who took them to the Super Bowl, 
has taken a powder to Detroit, where 
he's now watching over the 
Diego's new head coach is Kevin Gil- 
bride, the Jaguars' offensive coordinator 
last year. Gilbride will quickly discover 
that QB Stan Humphries, an oft-injured 
overachiever, is no Mark Brunell. San 
Diego finished with the worst offense in 
the AFC, and there are no quick fixes in 
sight. The Chargers lone legit offensive 
asset was WR Tony Martin, who finished 
with 85 receptions, including an AFC- 
high 14 touchdowns. (That total equaled 
Lance Alworth’s single-season team rec- 
ord for TD receptions.) 

San Diego's porous defense would re- 
ally be the pits if not for linebacker Ju- 
nior Seau, who was voted to the Pro 
Bowl for the sixth straight season. Seau 
led the team in sacks (seven) and tackles 
(138), but one-man bands don't cut it in 
the NFL. He needs a lot of help, and the 
Chargers, without a first-round pick in 
the draft, got Junior very little of it. 


WHEELS '98 „ыле 


in a micromini. We predict Chrysler 
won't have trouble selling the year's en- 
tire run of 2000. 


HIGH ROLLERS 
Ferrari's $200,000 550 Maranello 
coupe is a fitting car to celebrate 50 years 


of the Italian stallion. Its long-hood, 
short-deck styling evokes the brutish 


MERCEDES-BENZ CLK320 
This new 3.2-liter V6 coupe with a five-speed 
trans can hit 60 mph in 6.9 seconds, leaving 
some eight-cylinder rivals in its dust. Delivery 
is expected in the fall; priced about $40,000. 


DODGE DURANGO 
The Durango promises a third more seating 
capacity than other compact SUVs, along 
with such luxe options as a rear-seat air-con- 
ditioning unit. Base price: about $25,000. 


SAAB 9-5 


Yes, the new curiously named 9-5 sedan is 
still eccentricolly Saab (the key is back in 
the center console, where it belongs), but 
the profile and instrumentation ore sleeker. 


good looks of Ferrari's legendary super- 
car, the 365 GTB/4 Daytona. Speed-sen- 
sitive suspension and a 485-hp V12 are 
just a few of the highlights of this 200- 
mph grand tourer. 

Porsche's 1998 911 is virtually all new, 
with a dramatically restyled shape and a 
3.5-liter, water-cooled engine based on 
the Boxster's. Both a five-speed Tiptron- 
ic automatic transmission and a classic 
-speed manual will be available. 


FERRARI 550 MARANELLO 
Mama mia! Ferrari's brand-new 12-cylinder 
$200,000 coupe is one spicy meatball. (Top 
speed: about 200 mph.) The engine's up 
front and the trunk will hold a set of clubs. 


JEEP DAKAR 
Right now, it’s anly a concept version of the 
classic Wrangler, with a wheelbase that's al- 
most 15" longer, but who knows? Remember, 
the Dodge Viper was once a concept car, too. 


CHEVROLET CORVETTE C5 
More user-friendly than previous models, 
this fifth generation Corvette (hence the C5. 
nomenclature) can still get you in a lot of 
trouble. A soft-top version is in the works. 


FOUR DOORS WITH ATTITUDE, 


These days, sedans are hardly bor- 
ing. The 1998 Chrysler Concorde and 
Dodge Intrepid both resemble four- 
door Ferraris, ride and handle extreme- 
ly well and have powerful 3.2-liter V6s. 
BMW has finally imported the sporty 
M3 as a four-door sedan. Audi's fastback 
AG is sli with (at last) a 200-hp 30- 
valve V6 and a curved, coupelike roof- 
line. In conjunction with Lincoln-Mer- 
cury, Jaguar will launch a small car in 
1999. Spy shots show a rounded four- 
door that resembles a contemporary ver- 
sion of Jag's classic 3.8 Mark 2, complete 
with a classic Jaguar grille. BMW plans 
to update its 3 Series in 1998. Saab's ex- 
tensively changed 9000 replacement is 
the 9-5. Influenced by owner GM's cars, 


the new Saab luxocruiser offers active 
headrests that move to lessen the impact 
of a rear-end hit. 


BUYER'S MARKET 


Now that you know what new cars to 
look for, we thought you might like to 
know there's a big change coming in the 
way you'll buy them. Dealers nationwide. 
are selling out to huge consortiums. One 
consortium, Republic Industries, is run 
by Wayne Huizenga, the founder of 
Blockbuster Video. With a few excep- 
tions, carmakers don't care who sells 
their cars. The superstores will eventual- 
ly cut out the mom-and-pop deale: 

The other big news in auto retailing is 
the growth of used-car superstores such 
as Car Max, Car Choice and Auto Nation 
USA. With the average price ofa new car 
above $20,000, low-mileage used cars 
that are sold or leased in customer-ori- 
ented facilities will be appreciated. 


SUBARU FORESTER 
Subaru says the Forester “is neither a cor nor 
a truck but the first vehicle to stroddle the 
line between them." It's nimble as hell, and 
you don't need a ladder to climb abaard. 


VOLKSWAGEN CJ 
At Volkswagen, dreams do come true. The 
new Beetle may be out by mid-199B and 
chances are this long-hood, short-trunk CJ 
concept car won't be far behind. We're ready. 


VOLVO C70 
One drive in the C70 and you'll never think 
of Volvos as cartons on wheels. “This time 
we kept the car and threw away the box” is 


. 159 


how one exec described it. How Swede it 


160 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can contact 
for information on where to 
find this month's merchandise. 
To buy the apparel and equip- 
ment shown on pages 30, 32, 
76-81, 104-107, 128-129 
and 175, check the listings 
below to find the stores near- 
est you. 


WIRED 

Page 30: “More Dishing”: 
DBS systems: By Echostar, 
800-521-9282. By Primestar, 800-PRIME- 
STAR. DSS programming: From DirecTV, 
800-DIRECTV. From USSB, 800-204-USSb. 
“VHS Goes Digital”: Digital VHS VCRs: 
By RCA, from Thomson Electronics, 800- 
336-1900. By Hitachi, 800-241-6558. By 
JVC, 800-252-5722. "The Convergence 
Push": PC/TVs: By Gateway 2000, 800- 
846-2000. By Compaq and RCA, from 
"Thomson Electronics, 800-336-1900. By 
Sony Electronics, 800-222-7669. By Philips, 
800-531-0039. By Proton, 562-404-2222. 
By Zenith Electronics, 847-391-8752. “Wild 
Things”: Cordless phone by Astralink, 
314-514-0796. Power Cinema VCR by 
Sony Electronics, 800-222-7669. Projection 
ТҮ by Panasonic, 201-348-9090. Camera 
by Minolta, 201-825-4000. 


HEALTH & FITNESS 
Page 32: “Gliders—Flying High or 
Hype?": Fitness Flyer machine by 
Life Gear, from Busybody Fitness Ware- 
house, 1800 N. Clybourn, Chicago, 312- 
943-2300. 


FASHION FORECAST 
Pages 76-77: Turtleneck and suit by Joop, 
at B. N Y, Santa Monica, 210-396-1616, 
and ik, don, Chicago, 773-549-4449. 
Loafers by To Boot New York Adam Derrick, 
at Nordstrom, Dallas, 214-702-0055. Belt 
and tie by Bass Hugo Boss, at Hugo Boss 
shops. Suit by Ermenegildo Zegna, NYC, 
212-751-3468, Beverly Hills, 310-247- 
8827, Santa Ana, 714-444-1534 and Hono- 
lulu, 808-955-5755. Shirt by Calvin Klein 
Collection, NYC, 212-292-9000, and at se- 
lect Saks Fifth Avenue stores. Loafers by 
Prada, NYC, 212-327-0488. Suit, shirt and 
tie by Donna Karan, at Louis, Boston, 617- 
262-6100. Pages 78-79: Suit by Boss Hugo 
X Hugo Boss shops. Turtleneck by 
Misoni, NYC, 212-517-9339. Suit and T- 
shirt by Calvin Klein Collection, NYC, 212- 
292-9000, and at select Marshall Field's 


stores. V-neck by Ermene- 
gildo Zegna, NYC, 212-751- 
3468, Beverly Hills, 310- 
247-8827, Santa Ana, 
714-444-1534 and Honolu- 
lu, 808-955-5755. Pages 
80-81; Suit and shirt by 
Emporio Armani, NYC, 212- 
727-3240, Beverly Hills, 
310-271-7790 and Hous- 
ton, 713-599-0044. Loafers 
by To Boot New York Adam 
Derrick, at Scott Hill, Los 
Angeles, 310-777-1190. 
Sunglasses by Paul Smith Spectacles from 
Oliver Peoples, 310-657-2553. Suit, shirt 
and belt by Boss Hugo Boss, at Saks Fifth 
Avenue, NYC, 212-753-4000. Tie from 
Protocol by Robert Talbott, at Nordstrom 
stores. Suit, shirt and tie by Prada, NYG, 
212-327-0488, Suit by Trussardi, at select 
Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue 
stores. V-neck by Ermenegildo Zegna, Bev- 
erly Hills, 310-247-8827, NYC, 212-751- 
3468, Santa Ana, 714-444-1534 and Ho- 
nolulu, 808-955-5755. 


ELECTRONIC PLAYGROUNDS 

Pages 104-105: “The Home Office”: Note- 
book computer by Gateway 2000, 800-846- 
2000. Speakers by Altec Lansing, 800-648- 
6663. Internet phone by InterAct 
Accessories, from Recoton, 800-RECOTON. 
“The Media Room”; Flat-screen TV by 
QFTV, 800-346-4884. Home-theater sur- 
round system by /BL Consumer Products, 
800-: 4JBL. Pages 106-107: “The Gym": 
Minidisc player by Sony Electronics, 800- 
229-7669. “The Kitchen": AM/FM clock 
radio and compact disc player by Proton, 
562-404-2222. Espresso machine and cof- 
fee grinder by Krups, 800-526-5377. “The 
Bedroom”: Digital camcorder by Panason- 
ic, 201-348-9090. TV by Proton, 562-404- 
2222. DVD software by Playboy Enterprises, 
Inc., from Critics’ Choice Video, 800-544- 
9852. DVD player by RCA, from Thomson 
Electronics, 800-336-1900. 


PIPING HOT 
Pages 128-129: Pipes: By Nording and 
Butz-Choguin, from Hollco Rohr, 800-247- 
6653. By Alfred Dunhill of London, 800-860- 
8362, By Don Carles, at fine tobacconists. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 175: “Scents and Sensibility”: Co- 
lognes: By Estée Lauder, Christian Dior, Liz 
Claiborne, Nautica by David Chu and Gior- 
gio Armani, at fine department stores. 


m ESY OF LA-IBOY INC. P. 127 STYLING BY LEE MOORE FOR VISAGES: GROOMING BY GUCCI 
WESTMAN VOR RUMBLE A MÜMRLEAISAGES 


CHRIS FARLEY 


(continued from page 127) 
Just kidding. Oh, God, should I have 
said that? [70 himself] OK. OK. It's OK. 
Actually, 1 had a desk set with a name- 
plate that my parents got me for Christ- 
mas. It said CHRIS FARLEY, SATURDAY NIGHT 
Live. It was kind of stupid. The other 
guys would make fun of me and I had to 
stand up for the family and say, "Shut 
up, man, it’s cool.” 

Rock had his Eddie Murphy Beverly 
Hills Cop poster no one could touch. He 
was proud of that. 

Sandler's thing was his guitar. It was 
by his desk, which, like mine, was always 
messy, covered with papers, magazines 
and fan mail. We liked to read the fan 
mail and call the people who wrote it. 

Spade's prized possession was his bul- 
letin board. I don't know where he got it. 
He was so on top of everything that he 
probably knew just when they were 
handing them out. "Bulletin board pick- 
up, Thursday at noon? ГЇЇ be there.” 
He's really smart. The bulletin board 
was covered with pictures of all his bud- 
dies from Arizona, and various gals. We 
used to make fun of it. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: Do you ever ask for their sarto- 
rial advice? 

FARLEY: I can't buy off the rack. I'm over 
at the big-and-tall shop, Ed's House of 
Wide and Wider. Chris Rock is always 
trying to get me to dress cooler. He says, 
“Heavy D gets chicks, Farley. Be like 
Heavy D and dress cool." So he took me 
to Barneys one time. It helped. I feel 
more confident when I talk to gals if I'm 
in a good suit. But it still feels strange. 
I'm not used to the kinds of gals who are 
interested in me now. In high school I 
dated gals who looked like me in a wig. 
Do you know what I'm talking about? 
They were pretty heavyset gals out of 
Wisconsin, where they have lots of dairy 
products. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: Even though you live in Chica- 
go, you're often in New York and Los 
Angeles. What are some of your favorite 
East Coast and West Coast girl-watch- 
ing spots? 
FARLEY: In Los Angeles, go to the pool at 
the Four Seasons and you won't be dis- 
appointed. The girls aren't too shabby. 
You can throw a chub on a ten-pound 
Windsor test line and you'll be catching 
crappie all day. Are we talking about 
fishing? I like to go there in my thong 
Speedo and do push-ups. I also like the 
Sky Bar at the Mondrian Hotel. And the 
Whiskey Bar at the Sunset Marquis. Oth- 
erwise, I submit to my buddies Sandler 
and Spade, who live there. They always 
know the coolest places. 

In New York, I like to walk around the 
Village. It's really cool, because you get 


the arty bohemian girls with hair under 
their arms. | don't mind that French 
look. I like the jungle. Some of my 
friends like girls who shave, but, god- 
damn, I like it the way God made it. I 
don't care if they have hair up to the bel- 
ly button. I like that. 


Fui 


PLAYBOY: As a big man, tell us when you 
started putting your belt below your 
stomach as opposed to around your 
stomach? 

FARLEY: I always have it at the Sergeant 
Malcolm-Highway Patrol level, which is 
below the gut. You know, I have Dun- 
lap's disease: My belly done lap over my 
belt. I don't know why I think that's bet- 
ter, because my mom always tells me to 
have it up around my waist. She says, “It 
makes you look slimmer" I think it 
makes me look like I'm 50 years old. 
“Kids, get off the goddamn swing!" I've 
been big all my life. I've always worn my 
pants down low. It's a comfort thing. I 
think if I pull them up to my stomach 
line it will be an act of surrender. I don’t 
want to get content being this way. In the 
back of my mind 1 still think I'm going to 
lose the weight. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: What stands in the way of 
that dream? 

FARLEY: A goddamn hot fudge sundae! 
I'm a sprinter, not a long-distance run- 
ner. I seem to get motivated a few 
months at a time and then something 
stressful breaks the routine and I just 
fold and I'm off to the races. It's really 
hard for me to get back on track again. I 
lose the weight and gain it back. My mo- 
tivation used to be getting a gal, but I 
don't think that’s such a problem any- 
more. But I do want to lose it because 
there's a point at which it starts to hin- 
der my physical abilities. That's where 
Gleason always drew the line. When he 
couldn't do the cartwheels or the falls 
the way he wanted to—at around 280— 
he'd cut down. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: If it's not too painful, can you 
recall a memorable pig-out? 

FARLEY: I was in the Pritikin Center in 
Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 
or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work my 
ass off on the treadmill and with the 
weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I 
escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and 
we went to Le Déme and had tons of 
desserts. Along with Roseanne, we used 
to do that a lot. We would polish off 20 
desserts. Ice cream, cake, everything. 
But when I got back to Pritikin, I got 
busted. They gave me a test, like a 
Breathalyzer for sugar. I was sugared up. 


14, 


PLAYBOY: You once said that though you 
signed on as the clown, you didn't want 


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161 


PLAYBOY 


to do it forever. How would you like to 
sign out? 

FARLEY: What I said was probably more 
applicable earlier in my career. Then, 
when I started making movies and more 
money, I felt I had to make people laugh 
in order for them to like me and for the 
film to be a blockbuster. So now and then 
I'd like to try something different that 
has more heart and soul. I love how 
Jackie Gleason did that “Baby, you're the 
greatest” at the end of The Honeymooners. 
But ГЇЇ always do the clown. I'm secure 
with it. People work their asses off and 
they need a time to laugh. It's up to us to 
bonk ourselves on the head and slip ona 
banana peel so the average guy can say, 
“Good God. I may be bad, honey, but 
I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy 
on the screen.” 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Do you have any clown paint- 
ings in your house? Anything on velvet? 
FARLEY: Yeah, I do. How did you know 
that? I had a girlfriend who hated them 
because they scared her. 1 thought, God 
dang it, why? I love my clown paintings. 
I also loved her, and it hurt a lot when 
she dumped me. Anyway, they were gifts 
from my parents. 1 love the clowns. My 
dad told me that Bob Hope has a room 
full of clowns: paintings, statues and fig- 
urines. So I started a little collection. 
The paintings—in which the clown is 
sort ofan Emmett Kelly type with a hobo 
hat—are golf-themed. I also have some 
Tiffany figurines—sterling silver clowns 
on huge balls, balancing. Also, a couple 
statues, a harlequin and other characters 
from the commedia dell'arte. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: Do you have outdoor and 
camping skills? 

FARLEY: I was in Boy Scout Troop Five 
and went to summer camp in northern 
Wisconsin. We'd take long canoe trips. 
"They were great. But I got kicked out for 
stuff like mooning. There was a lot of 
mooning going on. I also cut the ropes 
on a ropes course once and lots of Scouts 
fell into the mud. And then there were 


the fires. . . . [Pauses] 1 would take any 
dare. I was known for that throughout 
high school. Once someone dared me to 
grab a fire extinguisher and spray it all 
over study hall. 1 sprayed everyone in 
study hall, plus the windows and the 
nun. But I got out of it because a lot of 
the nuns were so senile you could bam- 
boozle them with any type of excuse. 
I said, "Sister, I saw smoke. I swear I 
wanted to help out." And she believed 
me. The biggest dare was to run nude 
through the halls. My friend O'Garra 
put me up to it. I got to the end of the 
hall and then started to run back and 
ran smack-dab into a nun and knocked 
her over. She freaked out and I got 
kicked out for a semester and had to go 
to boarding school in Indiana. Couldn't 
talk my way out of that one. 

Looking back, it all seems like good 
clean fun. If I saw a little rodent today 
doing that, I'd laugh my ass off. I'd say, 
“Hey, Timmy, good job, kid. It was fun- 
ny. But you know, let's not do that any- 
more." I wouldn't yell and scream and 
beat him. I wouldn't kick him out of the 
club. The kid's just having fun, so what. 
the fuck? I love kids. They're hilarious. 
When I was a camp counselor I let my 
cabin get away with murder. That's what 
camp's for—having fun. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: You always seem to be throwing. 
your body in harm's way. How did you 
train for the rigors of Beverly Hills Ninja? 
FARLEY: I went to the Championship 
Martial Arts Academy in Chicago for 
three months, and Master Guo taught 
me wu shu, a method that uses both 
hand-to-hand combat and weapons: the 
three-section staff, broadswords, nun- 
chaku and chain. The master loved 
when Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan use 
household appliances as weapons in 
martial arts movies. Like a phone cord 
and handset. You could swing it around 
and nail somebody. Sometimes we'd fool 
around with broomsticks and curtain 
rods. I love throwing stuff—a toaster, 
say—and when your opponent tries to 
catch it, he's off guard and you nail him. 


HOLE INTHE FLOOR 
AND THEYRE 
USING irf 


Boom! I'm still good at cartwheels, the 
staff and the swords. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Describe a bad hair day. 
FARLEY: I don't concern myself too much 
with what my hair looks like. Most of the 
time I just wake up and whatever it is, it 
is. This is probably not a good habit. You 
can say I'm just content being myself, 
but it would probably be better if I made 
an effort to groom. | guess I don't try be- 
cause I know who I am and it's not that 
appealing, so why try to groom and be a 
stud? But that's a bad attitude and I'm 
changing it. 


195 


PLAYBOY: Did you ever want to tell critics 
of Saturday Night Live to shut up? 
FARLEY: Yeah. We went out there and did 
an hour-and-a-half show every week and 
worked our asses off. And yet we were 
just trying to make people laugh, not do 
brain surgery. I've still got sores on my 
back and aches in my body from going 
out a window or falling down steps or 
landing on a coffee table. I dislocated my 
shoulder. I broke my leg. And these crit- 
ics would sit there on their goddamn 
couches, saying, “Thumbs-down,” like 
fucking Augustus Caesar. Hey, fuck you 
Let's see you guys try to make 20 million 
people a week laugh from a live comedy 
stage, 20 weeks a year. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: What were you always warned 
about life in show business that you dis- 
covered was absolutely right? 

FARLEY: I used to think that you could get 
to a level of success where the laws of the 
universe didn't apply. But they do. It's 
still life on life's terms, not on movie-star 
terms. I still have to work at relation- 
ships. I still have to work on my weight 
and some of my other demons. Once 1 
thought that if I just had enough in the 
bank, if I had enough fame, that it would 
be all right. But Pm a human being like 
everyone else. I'm not exempt. 


KÜNSTE [HERRING 


(continued from page 74) 

“But, I mean, is there some format 
you prefer, some point of view?” 

“Nothing in particular,” she says. “Just 
do your normal Whitney Museum 
thing." She's clearly taunting me. 

“I think we should talk it through.” 

"How about tonight? I'm free after 
10:30. Come up to suite 1134, and bring 
the camcra. You two get some rest, now," 
she says. "You won't be getting much 
sleep in the next two days.” She address- 
es the comment directly to me. She ex- 
pects me to work hard for my big check. 

Gwyn and I wander around our huge 
suite of five rooms, a well-preserved mu- 
seum of international style, circa 1964 
The furniture is modernist airport 
lounge—low-back and no-back couches, 
chairs covered in orange and green and 
purple pastels, wall-sized builtin fish 
tanks, a foldout stereo console with aero- 
dynamic styling. The rooms are like in- 
tact World's Fair exhibits sold prefab to 
small countries impatient for the great 
leap forward. 'The windows are floor-to- 
ceiling and the fear of falling, of being 
terribly exposed, keeps us from the 
edges of the rooms except for brief mo- 
ments. Below, buses weave past lone sen- 
tries at the intersections, with their lights 
on and people hanging precariously off 
the tops and sides. The morning fog is 
starting to break up and I pull the cur- 
tains, thinking of snipers and govern- 
ment security forces with naval spotting 
scopes. This much security surely means 
the room is bugged, full of hidden cam- 
eras making low-res tapes to be en- 
hanced for the generals' entertainment. 

“Why are you closing the curtains?" 
Gwyn asks. "Do you have something in 
mind?" I look at her curled up on the 
bed, the honey-brown highlights of her 
hair exotic against the white satin sheets. 
Someone is probably watching her right 
this moment. Watching me watch her, 
the gringo bitch wanting to get fucked. 

"Um, no, wasn't thinking about any- 
thing," I say, pacing the room and look- 
ing closely at the sprinklers, wall mirrors 
and temperature control boxes for hid- 
den pinhole eyes. She motions for me to 
sit next to her, but I continue to pace. 

“What's gotten into you? You're ner- 
vous as a cat." I smile at her, still amazed 
at how much I like being in her pres- 
ence. I sit down on the bed and she 
strokes my arm and opens her white cot- 
ton bath towel to show me her breasts. 
How will they look in this light? Will 
the paused image flicker and be out of 
focus? 

"Isn't it wonderful to be out of New 
York?" She sits up against the pile of pil- 
lows she's collected. 

^We're in the Interzone now. I feel like 
I'm on a movie set. Don't lean too hard 
against the walls." 

“The bed is real." She leans forward 


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and bites my arm, nibbles her way to my 
neck, and I feel a stirring. I roll on top 
of her and she opens her legs beneath 
me. “You must have gotten excellent 
shots this morning. It was beautiful with 
all that weird light and fog drifting 
through. Sounds like you might be pret- 
ty busy tomorrow." 

“Just another rain forest wedding. Rit- 
ual sacrifice. Body branding. Drums beat- 
ing. The world ends." 

“P?” she says. “Try not to get too weird 
on me." I kiss her lips, feeling myself get 
hard against her pelvic bone. We'll show 
them how it's done in the movies. 


At dinner, new people join the party in 
the banquet room. Tanned North Amer- 
ican men wearing Italian linen suits and 
sandals. Hollywood types, groups of les- 
bians and gay men. Gwyn recognizes an 
actor. Sitcoms. Two soaps. Used to be in 
some science fiction cult but got out of it 
when he dropped his girlfriend. The ac- 
tor is talking with a high-profile collector 
I've met. Trust fund types I've seen be- 
fore, at openings and auctions. Here in 
this restricted and private space they've 
gone all out—belly buttons pierced with 
amethyst-and-silver rings; brightly col- 
ored, flowing drawstring clothes; non- 
meat shoes. Everyone is glowing, hair on 
fire in the track lighting. These bod- 
ies have been astral-balanced, crystal- 
healed, Rolfed and acupunctured, all 
enhanced by super doses of blue-green 
algae capsules, herbal tinctures and 
smuggled rain forest antioxidants. 

The thing on my plate looks like 
burned octopus. The woman next to me 
in the buffet line says, “No, it's charcoal- 
grilled wheat gluten on a bed of organic 
blue corn chips." Yum, yum. 

I'm now officially the "camera guy." 
Hey camera guy, why don't you come 
over and film us? Are you supposed to 
be here? What show are you with? Get 
out of my face with that fucking thing! 
"The camera guy in a documentary is the 
invisible force, a roving and neutral eye 
who creates a proscenium arch wherever 
he points. When they talk to me, trying 
to break down the wall I want to keep be- 
tween us, I find it agitating. 

Gwyn waves to me from across the 
room, where she's part of a semicircle 
around Louise Sanderson. ‘Then Louise 
waves me over and I'm introduced to 
the wedding party. There are four cou- 
ples in all. Phil and Joe, "from a city on 
the West Coast," are immediately hostile 
to the presence of a camera but soothed 
by Louise as she tells them “everything 
has been arranged to ensure the utmost 
privacy.” Evonne and Baxter are both 
mid-40s, statuesque and a little too will- 
ing to go before the camera. When I put 
it down, they drift off and I hear him say 
in a stage whisper, “Mistress, can I be 
your bathroom this afternoon?” 

Louise points out ‘Teri and Lincoln, 


who look like ashram disciples, wearing 
identical yellow silk shirts and casual red 
drawstring pants. “Retired professors,” 
Louise says with the hushed disdain 
some people might apply to “trailer 
trash” or “full scholarship.” They are 
in their late 50s, without any discern- 
ible plastic surgery, and they cling to 
each other amid the glitz and glare and 
capped teeth. The last couple's names 
are Tab and Patricia. It is well into the in- 
troduction before I realize I'm talking to 
two women. Tab is frighteningly male, 
hilarious in a white tuxedo and leather 
loafers. "So, camera guy," Patricia says, 
"you aren't going to do anything nasty 
with this footage, are you?" 

Ilisten to a couple from Santa Fe de- 
scribe their recent summer solstice party, 
the flamenco dancers they hired and 
how much they love adobe. And how 
much higher the potential for spirituali- 
ty really is in the high desert of New 
Mexico. And how they don't miss New 
York with all the noise and terror. “Uh- 
hub," I say, smiling, and tip down a bot- 
tle of Corona that clunks against the 
camera. I've set it up so that it is directly 
patched into another 8mm editing deck. 
Atany given moment, I can release stock 
images and splice them into the mix. My 
favorites are the long sequence of lions 
fucking in some anonymous corner of a 
dusty savanna, a wooden tub full of 
blood sausage and human hands, some 
black-and-white grape-stomping clips 
and orgasm segments from porno tapes. 
My normal Whitney Museum thing. 

б 


Gwyn is exhausted and falls asleep be- 
fore ten. Suite 1134's door is open and I 
walk in with the camera on my shoulder. 

"Oh, there you are,” Louise says, rais- 
ing an eyebrow at the camera. "Don't 
trip and hurt yourself.” 

“I'm concerned about the ‘no copies’ 
clause," I say, trying the aggressive tactic. 

"Relax," she says. "I bet you have 
everything in your house cataloged in al- 
phabetical order." 

"Actually, I do. Is the contract a subject 
I shouldn't bring up?” 

"Darling, you're not relaxing at all. 
Don't worry about the contract." 

"So you really mean it, just do whatev- 
er I want to?" 

"You're an artist. Seriously, lighten up 
2 bit. Let yourself go." Her tone is deci- 
sive, and I put the camera down. "Are 
there any more questions? It's getting 
late and I'd like to sleep." 

Let yourself go, she says. Little does she 
know what I'm going to do with her 
wedding video. She wouldn't dare sue. 


After breakfast, we board buses going 
to the jungle village. The buses are 
matte black, with steel covers protecting 
the tires and tinted windows covered 
with chain-link-fence material to guard 


against, I imagine, rocks and rocket-pro- 
pelled grenades. We're escorted by an- 
other convoy of jeeps and APCs and 
motorcycles. This is clearly an Ameri- 
can operation because it is seamless 
and plush and full of idiotic optimism. 
"There are no surprise bribes or passport 
checks, no unexpected roadblocks or 
ambushes. Everything's been arranged, 
paid for, negotiated. 

We head north, winding our way up 
30 miles of switchbacks and cliffside es- 
carpments. We pass men and women on 
donkeys who are herding sheep and 
goats back to the safety of their night 
shelters. Several times I spot men in the 
bushes with Kalashnikovs slung over 
their shoulders. We drive through vil- 
lages so sleepy and abandoned that only 
the old are present, asleep in the shade. 
A priest watches us roll past from the 
archway of his tiny basilica. He looks 
as if he were expecting us. No doubt 
he knows our pagan intentions. 

When we emerge from the air-condi- 
tioning, the driver tells us that the village 
we have arrived in has no name. The 
sun is behind the mountains but the air 
is still thick and stifling. Skinny dogs 
pace around nervously, keeping their 
distance. There are two dozen stone 
houses covered with rotting stucco pock- 
marked with bullet holes. A dark stain 
runs down the front steps of a tiny adobe 
church with plywood nailed haphazard- 
ly over its windows and doors. I see that 
the soldiers are not the “well-paid” pro- 
fessionals I first thought but teenage 
conscripts wearing mismatched uni- 
forms. They want the rich gringos to 
know they are not impressed by what 
they are seeing. They lounge around, 
sending out clouds of cigarette smoke 
and attitude. The jeep-beat crunch of 
big bass spills out of their giant Korean 
headphones. Gangsta rap acquires new 
meaning in the proximity of real guns. 

Several tents have been set up. One is 
empty except for a small raised platform 
covered in Astroturf. Most of the vil- 
lagers are sitting in a temporary town 
hall that's been set up in another tent— 
just an old awning gone pale from the 
sun, with foldout chairs and a big-screen 
television. I watch from the open tent 
flaps as cinematic explosions mix with 
images of hand-to-hand combat. Two boys 
turn away from the movie to smile at me. 
1 recognize the bland language of ex- 
treme violence and exotica: Die Hard 2. 


1 sit in the dust of the hard-packed 
courtyard, pointing the camera up at the 
shaman's elongated face. He tells us that 
we will be awakened before dawn and 
that the ceremony will go on for 24 
hours. He looks indigenous, but his ac- 
cent sounds familiar. He's wearing jump 
boots and a headdress of parrot feathers. 
The four couples come to the front and 
everyone claps and cheers. The shaman 


blows sage smoke toward them and rings 
his little bells and chants something un- 
intelligible. Then he wishes usall a good 
sleep and a good evening. People wan- 
der to their tents, the sound of talk and 
laughter echoing in the mountains. 

"Guerrillas were spotted today," the 
shaman says to me, his accent wavering 
in and out of recognition. I put the cam- 
era down. We are alonein the clearing. A 
jungle bird shrieks and takes sudden 
flight through the heavy canopy. 

"I thought there was no war," I say. 

"They are criminals,” he says. “Bandi- 
tos." He's smiling at me as if he has just 
made a joke I should be getting. “Some- 
times these men like to blow things up. 
"They set the forest on fire and kill am- 
bassadors." Still the shit-eating grin 
dominates his face. What is it I'm not 
getting here? 

“Why would they set it on fire?” 

"Because they are crazy,” he says. 
"They believe in nothing." The smile re- 
mains on his face, an enigmatic counter- 
point to the mystery I'm not in on. 

е 


I awake from а Die Hard quick-cut 
dream of car chases, explosions and dig- 
itally enhanced machine-gun fire. In 
America I might get up from such a ba- 
nal dream, go to the bathroom, then go 
right back to sleep without remembering. 
it ever happened. Here I sit on the üny 
cot, dripping sweat, hyperventilating, 
trying to clear my head of the night, ter- 
rified that my flashy, Technicolor dreams 
are spreading across the world. 

In a few minutes the shaman walks 
through the camp ringing a small 
bronze bell А hand-rolled cigarette 
hangs unlit from the corner of his 
mouth. A necklace embedded with crys- 
tals hangs from his neck. He has a stud- 
ied look about him, too many clichés— 
the shaved head of a Tibetan monk, old 
combat boots, unlaced and with the 
tongues hanging out, large silver ear- 
ring. I want one of those sweet-smelling 
cigarettes, but I'm not going to do any- 
thing weird for it, no bowing or feet kiss- 
ing, or sage in my face. He smiles when I 
ask. Like he knows I'm on to him. 

“Would you like me to roll you one?” 

“I would appreciate that,” I say, and 
he deftly makes another cigarette and 
hands it to me. I notice that the olive col- 
or of his skin has been chemically en- 
hanced. The accent is American, proba- 
bly southern East Coast. He's near 50 
and I imagine that his big year was 1969, 
back when he used Ravi Shankar, early 
Pink Floyd and high-grade LSD for his 
primitive seductions. Now his technique 
is nearly flawless. He lights his own ciga- 
rette after getting mine started. This 
smoke is the only thing that seems the 
least bit normal on this particular morn- 
ing in my life. 

“You from the South?” I ask. He flash- 
es that wry smile and gives me a long, 


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unblinking stare. 

“I grew up there,” he says, this time 
without a trace of American accent. He 
sounds vaguely European. “I haven't 
been back in many, many years.” The 
tone of his voice says, Leave it alone, 
smartass. This is my territory. We smoke in 
silence, then he steps on his cigarette 
butt with the toe of one of his combat 
boots. I also step on mine and find my- 
self involuntarily sighing loudly. He 
laughs, mocking my discomfort, then 
picks up the bronze bell. He checks his 
watch, a beat-up vintage Breitling with 
a cracked face. Holding the bell at 
arm's length, he hits the side in short 
wrist-snapping motions. I move away as 
people begin to emerge into the open 
ground between the tents. The smell of 
coffee finally wakes me and I'm relieved 
the night is over and that this wedding— 
or whatever it is—is about to begin. 

. 


The shaman walks at the head of a 
long procession of Americans moving 
through the jungle. The trail has been 
widened with machetes and the small 
footbridges show signs of recent repair. 1 
look for snakes hanging from the triple 
jungle canopy, but it is hard to see any- 
thing. It's like being in a cave, there are 
so many layers of growth for the sun to 
penetrate. The soldiers were watching 
Die Hard 3 when we left. 

After breakfast the whole courtyard 
had turned into a big finger-painting 


scene. Big bowls of primary-colored 
paints were applied to every gringo in 
our party. The wedding couples had 
aquamarine paint plastered over their 
naked bodies like mud. Some of the cele- 
brants, including the younger women, 
are topless now that we've left the vil- 
lage. Some “best men” and friends are 
painted blood- or rust-red, and all the 
guests except me have had a gold stripe 
painted vertically in the center of their 
foreheads. Many men have tiny green 
spirals covering their backs. Red spirals 
for the backs of the women, including 
Gwyn. People carry drums, which they 
pound in oblivious disregard to one an- 
other. Chanting and ringing bells punc- 
tuate the chaos. 

After a mile and a half, we file into a 
dearing where a small stone temple, 40 
feet high, is covered in vines. Small trees 
grow here and there in the cracks of the 
stones. The temple is covered vith crude 
markings and symbols applied in ex- 
pressionistic splashes of synthetic color. 
The colors and designs match those on 
the wedding party as if some untalented 
designer had carefully coordinated the 
whole operation. I stop walking, letting. 
Gwyn and the others file around me, 
and pan the camera across the spirals 
and graffiti covering every ancient stone. 

The steps are shiny with use and 
stained a deep umber, as though an oil 
spill had slicked them down. At the top 
of the altar are the skulls of various ani- 
mals stuck on the ends of poles. I recog- 


“Just give him the tip, Herbert!" 


nize deer and cattle and some kind of big 
cat. Beneath these on shorter poles are 
smaller skulls that might be human. A 
sage fire is burning. A man 1 have not 
seen before fans a banana-leaf broom 
over the smoke, spreading it in deliber- 
ate circles. The wedding procession be- 
gins to work its way slowly up the steps. 

"The temple is larger than it looks from 
the ground. Even the stones at our feet 
are covered in designs. Several coats of 
paint trace lines where original brush 
strokes and handprints have been reap- 
plied and kept fresh. Louise Sanderson, 
looking weirdly clean and fresh in a 
white sundress, stands with the shaman 
on a raised platform. The shaman wafts 
sage at the bridal couples. The rest of 
us form a wide semicircle. When the 
shaman starts talking this time, his ac- 
cent is distinctly Southern. He's pouring 
on a faux-hick aw-shucks thing that 
makes me laugh out loud. 

"Folks, we are gathered here in this sa- 
cred place to unite these couples in a 
spiritual and al union. The vows 
have all been said individually and the 
wedding will be consummated by partic- 
ipation in the consumption of the divine 
elixir,” blah, blah, blah. He drones on. 
More drumming and chanting. Men 
vith bellows fan giant piles of burning 
sage. I'm blinded by the smoke, gagging. 

Women with their breasts covered in 
purple mud come around offering large 
wooden bowls filled with a yellowish liq- 
uid. When the ladle is offered to me, I 
can't take my eyes off the woman's firm 
and very purple breasts. She makes a 
disgusted face and walks away. I won- 
der—for the first time—whether some- 
thing might be terribly wrong with this 
entire happening. An aerial still shot 
of the purple Kool-Aid apocalypse of 
Jonestown flashes before me. 

“What is that stuff?” I whisper into the 
ear of the woman standing next to me. 

She whispers back, “Ayahuasca.” 

"But what is it?” 

“Liquid godhead,” she replies and 
turns away. 

Then I see Gwyn standing naked from 
the waist up, her eyes closed and a little 
smile on her face. A man with a brush 
paints gold star patterns on her breasts. 
I watch the end of the brush slide 
around her nipples and see them move 
slightly with each dab of color. I'm going 
to kill the guy if he keeps it up much 
longer, but Just then he steps back to ad- 
mire his handiwork. Gwyn opens her 
eyes and nods to thank him, then twirls, 
dervishlike, round and round. I focus on 
her and start getting hard, thinking of 
our afternoon in the hotel. She twirls 
faster, giving the camera a workout. 

"I'm dizzy from that shit," she says, 
coming to a stop and moving out of the 
crowd to grab my hand. There is a slop- 
py star painted across her face that turns 
her smile into a lewd remark. My beauti- 
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"Don't worry so much," she says, 
pinching my check a little too hard. "We 
read about this stuff, remember. The 
shamans have been using it for centuries 
to induce visions." I do remember read- 
ing about ayahuasca in one of her New 
Age magazines, so I go back to shooting. 

"The woman with the bowl appears 
again and holds the ladle to my lips. The 
smell is acidic and fruity, and I take an 
exploratory slurp. As it goes down my 
throat, I feel an alkaloid afterburn. Then 
I down the whole ladle and some of it 
drips out the sides of my mouth and 
down my neck, stinging my skin. The 
top of my head becomes warm; the 
drumming gets faster. Whatever was in 
that wooden bowl kicks in hard. 


I’m bumping into people who are 
twirling and spinning. The newlyweds 
dance naked in a little group in the cen- 
ter of this carnival. The couples are all 
mixed up now, gay man with straight 
wife, straight husband with gay male 
partner. I keep filming, following the ac- 
tion even though my own eyes are see- 
ing trails attached to things, exploding 
colors, and grotesque masks that are 
only faces. Louise Sanderson smiles and 
waves when I spot her in the viewfinder. 
A younger man is approaching her still- 
pristine white dress with a skinny purple 
tongue. She grabs his head in her hands. 
I do long pans across the tops of the 
dancers’ increasingly grotesque heads 
and try to stay in focus, but my eyes are 
getting worse. 

‘The shaman appears in my viewfind- 
er. He's a long way off, sitting on a rot- 
ting log, just watching and smoking and 
smirking. I zoom in on him, catch him 
laughing to himself, shaking his head 
from side to side. I want another one of 
those cigarettes to sober me up. J take 
the camera off my shoulder for a mo- 
ment to change the tape. When I shift it 
back, he’s disappeared. I search the area 
on telephoto until I see his back disap- 
pearing into the undergrowth. I feel 
compelled to see what he's up to. 

It takes some time to walk through the 
carnival. The ground has turned to rub- 
ber and my depth perception is off. I'm 
nearly knocked down by two whirling 
women with blue mud matted in their 
hair. Tripping on the liquid godhead, 
I'm beginning to think of myself in the 
third person, no longer someone mak- 
ing a film, but someone in a film that's 
veering out of control. I keep the camera 
going, cradling it to my side as I wander 
into the jungle. A path appears through 
the trees, which I follow for a hundred 
yards until I hear voices up ahead. ‘The 
voices are male, speaking a mixture of 
Spanish and English. The earth heaves 
and pulsates in front of my feet and I 
move impulsively off the trail and pull a 
flanking maneuver, creeping steadily 
forward toward the sound of hushed 


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conversation. I feel suddenly clearhead- 
ed and lucid, as if hunting these voices 
has kicked in some instinctual and pri- 
mal knowledge of just how to act in this 
situation. 

. 


1 smell the smoke from their cigarettes 
the moment before I sec them. The 
shaman is crouched down in a circle of 
men wearing black berets. Two dozen 
men are languorously spread out in a 
small clearing, with Chinese machine 
guns, grenades and bandoliers slung 
haphazardly over their bodies. They talk 
softly while 1 focus on them in the 
viewfinder. The shaman says clearly, and 
in an unmistakable Mexican accent, 
“The payment should be $100,000 U.S.” 
He mentions an account number and a 
Swiss bank. One of the men sits on the 
ground with a Powerbook propped on 
his knees. A large briefcase is open next 
to him and I see the small satellite um- 
brella unfolded and pointed at an open 
spot in the canopy. He's clicking at the 
keypad and I hear the modem connect- 
ing to a number. Then I notice that most 
of the men having conversations in 
Spanish have cellular phones to their 
ears. The man with the Powerbook looks 
up and says, "The money is in the ac- 
count." As he shakes hands with one of. 
the men talking into a cellular phone, 
the shaman's smirk is really more a gri- 
mace or facial tic than any emotive sign. 

"Congratulations, commander," the 
man says to the shaman. 


I hear a loud metallic click in my ear 
and turn to see two men standing over 
me with guns pointed at my head. I'm so 
high at this point, so far gone into this 
thing, that I laugh at them and push the 
barrels out of my face. They escort me 
into the clearing and all the black berets 
stand up. The shaman takes the camera 
out of my hands, then slaps me across 
the face hard enough to set me down in 
the mud. I laugh because his face is melt- 
ing and doing fun-house-mirror tricks. 
The man who was working the Power- 
book rewinds the tape in the camera, 
watching through the viewfinder, look- 
ing for something. “Got it,” I hear him 
say through the din in my head, and I'm 
conscious enough to know that he is 
erasing the presence of the encampment 
from the tape. My earlier conversation 
with the shaman plays through my head. 
They are criminals, he said. They are crazy 
and believe m nothing. 

The trees behind their heads seem to 
be dancing and taking on all sorts of bi- 
morphic traits. Happy faces and Lord of 
the Rings animation. The shaman's face 
hovers over mine, coming into focus 
then blurring. His breath smells like ba- 
nanas and cigarettes and he’s talking to 
me, though the words are out of syne, 
disembodied and lost in the din of the 
growing hallucination. 1 do hear one 
thing clearly, but not at the time he says 
it. “This gringo is really fucked up,” he 
says without moving his lips. The wed- 
ding sounds come and go on the breeze 
as the shaman propels me back through 


“Same with us. We go to the 
burnings and the beheadings, but we're not 
really religious.” 


the jungle and back to the reception, 
where he drops me unceremoniously in 
the mud along with my camera. The last 
thing I remember is the incessant and 
sinister beating of those stupid drums. 

. 


I start feeling better on the jet flying 
back to New York. Gwyn is leaning over 
me with a hot towel, which she's wiping 
across my face. We seem to be the only 
two awake; the plane is dark and full of 
in-flight vibration and air-conditioning 
whispers. 

“You went way out,” she says. 

“I need water,” I say. She hands me a 
bottle and 1 finish it and ask for another. 
She gets me one from the bag at her feet. 

"You were really tripping out there. 
You were rolling around in the mud. 
At one point you were dancing round 
and round your camera with your eyes 
closed, yelling, ‘Mommy, Mommy, I'm 
flying! Im really flying! We had to carry 
you back to the tents. And you slept all 
the way to the airport." 

“It was in that stuff we drank. It was 
painted on the rocks of that temple. I 
honestly dont remember what hap- 
pened,” I say, lying. 1 do remember what 
I saw up there on the remple steps, or 
what I imagined I saw. I remember the 
men in the clearing as if they were sitting 
next to me in this plane. If Í was dancing 
round my camera, then I'm no longer 
anonymous. I'm in my own movie, for- 
ever part of this weird event. 

“Gwyn.” I grab her upper arm. “We 
need to get away from these people as 
soon as we get back to New York." 

“It’s OK.” She rubs her fingers 
through my hair. "There's nothing to 
worry about.” 

Obviously, Gwen went to some blissful 
place on her cupful of ayahuasca. In my 
dream, there were blood and bones, and 
people moved willingly and trancelike 
into a giant plume of orange flame. The 
dark stain down the front of the steps 
was not the shiny residue of a million 
feet but dried blood turned dark with 
time. I must have been filming most of 
this because I remember in framed, 
sweeping pan shots and purposely out- 
of-focus scenes of dancing and chaos. 
Somewhere in this vision I see distinctly 
the men in the jungle waiting and watch- 
ing over us, as paid for as the soldiers. I 
remember Louise in her chic white dress 
moving untouched through the mud. 

“We both need a hot bath and a good 
bed," Gwyn says, touching my face with 
her fingers. She snuggles close, bumping 
up against my camera bag. When I lift it 
out of the way, I notice how light it feels. 
1 open it and look inside and the tape 
cases are empty. Only my 35mm camera 
is left and all the film has been removed. 
Gwyn doesn't look surprised; in fact, she 
seems relieved. 

“They took my stuff?" 

"Last time I saw you the camera was 


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covered in mud. Pieces were missing." 

"They can't just steal my tapes and 
camera." 

“You signed a contract. The tapes are 
theirs." 

"Yeah, soa bunch of very wealthy peo- 
ple are worshiping Dionysus down in 
South America. Big deal. What are they 
so paranoid about?” 

“Remember,” she says, “more money 
than God. Some of those people are high 
up in the government and entertai 
ment. They have images to maintain." 

"Don't worry, I got paid," I say, but in 
truth I feel burned. I wanted to see the 
footage, to see what I could do with it. 
I'd had hopes of another shot at the 
Whitney. What the hell. I shrug it off, 
change the subject. 

"What would you say to our having a 
little wedding?" I say as a joke. 

"Are you proposing to me?" She's try- 
ing to sound funny, but I sce a serious 
look in her eye. 

“Just a quiet little get-together." 

"How about a Methodist church in a 
small town? The bride wears white." 
She's still got the look in her eye. 

“We'll drag a ram's head behind the 
electric car.” 

“Yeah!” she says, drawing looks from 
the nearby passengers. "We'll drive it to 
a Cape Cod house with a white picket 
fence." She's giggling, weightless. Some- 
one in the seat behind us laughs, and I 
recognize the gravelly edge. I sit up and 
turn around and there is Louise giving 
me that charity-ball smile as hollow as it 
is perfect. My neck and face start to 
burn, and the inside of the plane goes 
out of focus. Gwyn pats my arm, saying, 
“Forget about 

But I know it’s going to be a long time 
before I find all the little pieces I've left 
scattered around this hemisphere. I'm 
hyperventilating and the sweat pours off 
my face. I try deep breaths to calm 
down, touch my hand to my chest and 
feel something hard in my pocket. I take 
out the object, carefully keeping it from 
view. It's a plastic case with the 8mm dub 
I must have made sometime during the 
ceremony. The tape is still inside. Gwyn 
covers her mouth to suppress her shout 
when I show it to her. 

“Inside that little house with the pick- 
et fence?” I say, raising my voice loud 
enough for Louise to hear clearly. “Late 
at night, we'll whirl like a dervish.” 

“In our little garden there, we'll grow 
sunflowers as big as Frisbees,” she says, 
wild-eyed and happy that she's letting 
Louise know how she really feels. 

“Someone will write pics on the door 
of the refrigerator in a childlike scrawl.” 

“And we'll live happily ever after,” she 
says, raising her voice and catching the 
disgusted look the couple across the aisle 
is giving us. “We'll live like we can afford 
to own the world.” 


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CLONING? „алое 62) 


Imagine a Michael Jackson or Dennis Rodman being 
raised by a Michael Jackson or Dennis Rodman. 


of Adam Sandler—a complete moron. 
This is the one they hand over to the 
overjoyed parents. 

But what happens to thc 299 defective 
Adam Sandler clones? Does Jack Ke- 
vorkian back up an 18-whecler for his 
biggest job ever? Are they sent to an or- 
phanage? Are they designated as a life- 
time's supply of dates for Jenny Mc- 
Carthy? Or does Lorne Michaels hire all 
299 of them to write material for next 
year's programs? Another problem with 
cloning a living human being is that we 
do not know until the very end of a per- 
son's sojourn on the planet how well his 
life will have turned out. In other words, 
what happens if you decide to clone a fa- 
mous, talented, successful person at the 
very apex of his carcer only to recoil in 
horror as the subject's life subsequently 
disintegrates? The world would be pep- 
pered with dozens, perhaps hundreds, 
of children who bear a remarkable re- 
semblance to someone who is now wide- 
ly despised. This is precisely what would 
have happened had the Germans cloned 
Hitler in 1932, had Jimmy Carter been 
cloned in 1976, or had Sammy Davis Jr. 
been cloned in the half century before 
he recorded The Candy Man. 

It must be remembered that when Ian 
Wilmut cloned an adult ewe, thé result- 
ing progeny, Dolly, did not come into be- 


ing as an adult. Dolly was both the 
daughter and the identical twin of its 
progenitor. In a human setting, this 
means that Michael Jackson could clone 
himself and then become the father of 
his own identical twin. What chance 
would a kid like that have? Remember, it 
is widely felt that Michael Jackson, like 
Dennis Rodman, attained his special 
niche in the pantheon of the peculiar 
without much help from the outside. 
But imagine a Michael Jackson or a Den- 
nis Rodman who had been raised by a 
Michael Jackson or a Dennis Rodman. 
Or imagine a Dennis Rodman who rais- 
es a Madonna clone named Lourdes II, 
who then starts dating the Clone of the 
Artist Formerly Known as Prince, here- 
tofore known as # Jr. Is this where we 
want science to take us? 

The worst thing about cloning is that 
making certain people effectively im- 
mortal strips humanity of the hope that 
nourishes our dreams for the future. It 
has been scientifically determined that 
intelligent, sane, likable people can lead 
normal, happy lives even while dwelling 
in the same society as Geraldo Rivera, 
Jerry Springer, Montel Williams and Jef- 
frey Dahmer because they know that 
eventually these monsters will pass from 
the scene through death or poor ratings. 
But human cloning would strip humani- 


“Bear with me, sweetie—my testosterone patch just fell off.” 


ty of this hope. If human cloning were 
allowed to take place, Americans would 
wake up every morning knowing that 
they would be dealing with Regis Phil- 
bin or a Regis Philbin clone for the 
rest of their lives. This is precisely the 
sort of cultural petrification that led to 
the French Revolution. Men can live 
without bread. But they cannot live with- 
out hope. 

Is there a positive side to the cloning 
of humans? Yes. August is always a slow 
news month and the cloning of a dozen 
Goldie Hawns could provide Vanity Fair 
with an interesting cover spread a few 
years down the road. Moreover, many 
cultural critics have noted that the only 
genuinely nice people left on American 
television are the wackos in the audience 
on The Price Is Right. These people are 
part of the last generation of Americans 
who like to hoot and holler and who 
aren't afraid to make complete fools of 
themselves on national television. Year 
after year, more and more of these gen- 
uinely ebullient people die off, and one 
day they will be gone completely. When 
that day arrives, TV audiences will con- 
sist entirely of the trailer-park white 
trash that frequent the The Jenny Jones 
Show. And once TV audiences stop being 
likable, enthusiastic and nonpsychopath- 
ic, Bob Barker will be forced to retire. 
Nobody wants to see that. 

But for every positive cloning applica- 
tion, there are a score of negative ones. 
One horrifying possibility is that parents 
would clone their own children for spare 
parts in case the original child was dying. 
This would mean that if anything hap- 
pened to a child actor such as Macaulay 
Culkin, his parents would be able to har- 
vest backup physiological equipment to 
whip him back into shape. This is sure- 
ly not what God intended when he 
breathed life into Adam. Ifthe foregoing 
is not disconcerting enough, let us con- 
sider one final nightmare. Recently in 
U.S. News & World Report, Philip Bere- 
ano, a professor of technology and pub- 
lic policy at the University of Washing- 
ton, explained that once the technology 
needed to clone humans is in place, 
there will be no way to prevent a third 
party from surreptitiously cloning each 
of us without our permission. This is 
because it is so easy to obtain human 
cells—through blood tests, dental visits, 
etc.—each of which contains a complete 
genetic blueprint of the clonec. This 
means, for example, that unscrupulous 
clothing manufacturers could secretly 
obtain Kathie Lee Gifford cells, create 
hundreds of thousands of copies of the 
bouncy hostess, and then put the clones 
to work making pajamas in the perkiest 
Central American sweatshops. This is 
probably not what Ian Wilmut had in 
mind when he cloned Dolly. 

Not what he had in mind at all. 


The best story circulating about 1997 
Playmate of the Year Victoria Silv- 
stedt is that she was such a chubby 
teen her mother had to puta lock on 
the refrigerator. Looking 
at her now, 


PARTY HEARTY: Victorio Silvstedt's Playmate of the Year luncheon took place 


ot the Playboy Mansion this past spring. Could Hef be having any more fun? Hey, if you 
were flonked by Victorio and the beautiful Kimberley Conrad Hefner (above left, ot right), wouldn't 
you be smiling, too? Above right, Victorio gets some signing tips from 1996 PMOY Stacy Sanches. 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS — SEPTEMBER 
China Lee—Miss August 1964 will be 
55 on September 2. 

Stacy Sanches—Miss March 1995 will 


be 24 on September 4. 
Patti McGuire—Miss November 1976 
will be 46 on September 5. 

Erika Eleniak—Miss July 1989 will be 
28 on September 20. 


Is it o bird? A plane? No, it's a Playmate in 
midflight. Miss July 1994 Troci Adell is fling 
high in this od for Som's Town, a Los Vegos 
hotel and casino thot hos also point- 

3 ed August 1991 Playmate ond 
1992 PMOY Corinna Harney 

‘on the toil of o Boeing jet. 


that’s hard to believe. Is it possible 
that growing up near the Arctic Circle 
had something to do with it? Now 
that she's the owner of a Porsche and 
a tidy nest egg, courtesy of PLAYBOY, 
Victoria can concentrate on promot- 
ing her PMOY Video Centerfold as well 
as on her national advertising cam- 
paign for Guess jeans. By the time 
Victoria arrived in the U.S. after win- 
ning a Miss Sweden crown and three 
years in Paris modeling, she was 
ready to make her mark. But this is 
detinitely the best time of her life, she 
says. "In Sweden, we celebrate the 
new year with fireworks. For me, this 
whole year has been a fireworks dis- 
play." Victoria lights us up. 


PLAYMATES 101: 
WHAT'S YOUR SIGN? 


Aries—30 MER 
Taurus—26 
Gemini—36 
Cancer—34 
Leo—38 
Virgo—52 
Libra—54 
Scorpio—38 
Sagittarius—56 
Capricorn—28 
Aquarius—44 
Pisces—48 


Most common 
birth dates: 
May 28, De- 
cember 13 
Most common 
birth month: 
September 
Born on the Fourth of July: 
Tish Howard, Miss July 1966 


Tish Howard 


November 1972 Playmate 
Lenno Sjööblom (right), 
whose photo become the 
first digital test image, visit- 
ed the Conference cf the 
Sociely for Imoging Sci- 
ence ond Technology. 


171 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Look for Miss June 1997 Carrie 
Stevens in the music video for 
Trial and Error with the movie's 


Now that the sitcom Married With 
Children has aired its final episode, we 
can total up some of the Playmates 


My mother and I get along just fine, 
but all of a sudden a few months ago, 
she began to spend a lot more time 


over at my house hinting 
about how much she would 
like to move in with me. I 
said, "Mom, if you want to 
hang out here, you will 
have to watch Playboy 
videos with me—like this 
one, for example." Then I 
popped into the VCR the. 
Angel Boris segment from 
The Girls of Hawaiian Tropic. 
But my mother wasn’t 
all that happy about it. 
In fact, the video was 
enough to make her recon- 
sider, Thanks a lot, Angel, 


NDS 1987 India Al- 

len has a movie produc- 
e "The sexy, supernatural 

superheroine is played 
Raven a TV series. . . . Miss April 
1995 Danelle Folta is working on 
St. Pierre is an art director and a 
stylist. Her work can be seen on 


star Michael Richards. . . - Miss 
tion company, and 

‚Raven is its first film. 

x by Miss May 1996 Shau- 
na Sand. Allen hopes to make 
an MTV show, Idiot Savants. - . . 
Miss November 1978 Monique 
PLAYBOY video boxes. . . . Miss 
March 1981 Kym- 


you are indeed one.— 
William Arvola, arvola@ 
jove.acs.unat.edu 


who have appeared on the show: 
Pamela Anderson Lee, Brandi 
Brandt, Donna D'Errico, Ava Fabian, 
Luann Lee, Heidi Mark, Shae Marks, 
Dona Speir and Teri Weigel. I knew 
there was a reason I loved the show. 
Goodbye, Al Bundy. I'll see you and 
the Playmates in syndicated reruns.— 
Mark Oppenheim, Mark Oppen 
heim@mailhost.bridge.com 


CHRISTINA SMITH: 

“PLAYBOY was there to help me 
grow up. I had no direction, and 
being a Playmate made me focus 
on my future. Like parents, the 
staff watched over me ta make 
sure | made good decisions, and | 
owe them a lot." 


The kickoff to my first Glamourcon 
was a tour of the Playboy Mansion, 
hosted by Hugh M. Hefner himself. 
Our group had a continental break- 
fast with Hef by the pool, after which 
he described how an issue of the mag- 
azine is produced. This was a tour I 
wanted never to end. Гуе left my 
heart in L.A—Brian Spires, tool 
man@webtv.net 


From left to right: Ploymates Victoria 
Fuller, Kelly Monaco and Julie Cial 


Since I posed for the magazine, I 

have traveled all over the world to 

participate in various PLAYBOY pro- 

motions. I just fin- 

ished the video 

Biker Babes, which I 

host. Pm still riding 

my Harley. When 

I'm out and get rec- 

ognized, it's always a 

positive experience. I 

was apprehensive for 

about the first hour of 

my Playmate shoot, but everyone was 

so nice to me that I soon got over 
it."—TYLYN JOHN, Miss March 1992 


berly Herrin owns a 76-foot 
ketch that she sails all over the 
Caribbean. It’s available for char- 


ter and sleeps six. . . . Miss July 
1996 Angel Boris has just done 
commercials for Allstate Insur- 
ance and Coke (to be distributed 
in South America) and was a 
stand-in and body double for 
a Showtime movie called Gold 
Coast. . . . Team Playboy, part of 
the all-entertainment softball 
league, blew some impressive 
bubbles (above), but the MGM 
team beat them anyway. . . . Miss 
June 1996 Karin Taylor was fea- 
tured in Horace Brown’s music 
video Things We Do for Love and 
will appear in the 1998 Unforget- 
table Women calendar, the pro- 
ceeds of which will benefit the 
Minority AIDS Project. . . . 
here's still time to become a 
charter member of the official 
Playboy Playmate Alumni Associ- 
ation Support Team. For $40, 
you get a subscription to the 
newsletter and your name is 
printed in your first issue. Write 
Bonnie Large, Box 3827, Bever- 
ly Hills, CA 90212. 


— Star Stowe 1956-1997 — 


When Miss February 1977 Star 
Stowe was murdered in Coral 
Springs, Florida just shy of her 
Alst birthday, we 
were shocked 
and greatly sad- 
dened. Those of 
us at PLAYBOY 
who knew her 
remember her 
fondly. Con- 
tributing Pho- 
tographer Pom- 
peo Posar, on 
going to New 
York City to shoot Star's center- 
fold: “She had a strategically 
placed little blue tattoo in the 
days before tattoos were com- 
mon. She liked to make jokes and 
have fun.” We'll miss her. 


"I have come a long way from my first 
appearance in PLAYBOY, in the Pot- 
pourri section of the 
magazine. I was 

holding a glass cube. 

I'm back to print 

modeling, portraying 

young moms and 

housewives. I can't 

wait to get back into 

my jeans when the 

jobs are finished. I 

guess I'm a tomboy at heart—it must 
be my North Dakota upbringing." 
—CARMEN BERG, Miss July 1987 


“Mr. Jenkins knows from personal experience 
that properly warmed up, the diva is indeed capable 
of hitting some very high notes.” 


үз! Co. New York, NX 


91397 Sehietleln & Some 


10% Grain Neutral Spirits 


= = 1 Жм 
ў 


ў (ER 
www.tanqueray.com Do drink responsibly, won't you? 


Kalin Olson 
Miss August 


Ss зї ` „ive large this August with Playboy TV! 
Nikki Schieler 5 First, an innocent cocktail with a beau- 
Miss September tiful woman turns into a deadly affair of 


the heart with the boss’ wife — or is she? 
Find out in the Playboy Original Movie 
Midnight Blue. Then get your ya-yas out 
with the Best of Playboy’s Hot Rocks, as 
Sir Mix-A-Lot features some of the best 
show moments, inciuding Jenny McCarthy's 
original interview. And you won't believe 
what moviemaier wannabes will do with 
a willing couple and a camera for the big 
cash in Naughty Amateur Home Videos: 
Couples and Coupling! En garde - swash- 
buciding guardsmen seduce castle damsels 
in distress in The Amorous Adventures 
of the Three Musketeers.. And in Beautiful 
Part 2, our good-time charlie loves his 
options: set-for-life or sex-for-life! So 
relax. Say ahh. Ride the biggest plea- 
sure wave this summer only on Playboy TV! 


ORIGINAL SERIES 


Hosts Nici Sterling & Williamson Howe 


PREMIERES AUGUST 2 
erotiertainmen t unt. 
www.playboy.com | 
{5 M сс ош 


61957 Partor. 


ON-THE 


xs SEEN TS AND 


he men's cologne biz is in the midst of an olfactory shake- 
up, and we're all going to smell better for it. Gone are the 
heavy musks and sweet florals that announced your pres- 
ence before you entered a room. Instead, think fruit with 
a hint of herbs. Each cologne fills its own distinctive place. Nautica 
Competition is aimed at the active man who enjoys the great out- 


Below, clockwise from top left: Esté 


SE EN E 


SIE NSB I YA oOo 


doors. It includes apple, spearmint, jasmine, oakmoss and vet 
iver. Claiborne Sport is for the laid-back kind of guy who would 
rather spend his beach time sunning than surfing. At least that's 
what their ad campaigns would have you believe. Word to the 
wise: Drop by your local department store and try them out 
Chances are, you won't find a real stinker in the entire bunch. 


Lauder offers the clean-smelling Pleasures for Men, with ginger and sandalwood (about $45). Dune Pour 


Homme from Christian Dior evokes the sea and the forest (about $50). Claiborne Sport from Liz Claiborne combines sage and wild herbs with 
cedar and moss (about $45). Nautica Competition is a sporty fragrance in a cleverly designed spray bottle that won't spritz inside your gym bag 
(about $45). Bergamot, rosemary, jasmine and patchouli give Giorgio Armani's Acqua di Giò for Men subtle sophistication (about $55). 


JAMES INBROGNO 


E 
WHERE а NOW [O BUY ON PAGE 160. 


The People vs. 
Milos Forman 
Director MILOS FORMAN 
follows his Larry Flynt movie 
with a romantic comedy 
about a bank heist investi 
gator, The Little Black Book. 
It'll be a piece of cake after 
all the Flynt media flap. 


The Bunny 
Hop, 1997 
Lady MADELEINE 
LLOYD WEBBER, 
wife of theatrical 
heavyweight Sir 
Andrew Lloyd 
Webber, showed 
up at Elton John's 
50th birthday 
bash in London 
sporting ears and 
a tail that she 
borrowed from 
us. The unan- 
swered questi 
How was her 
Bunny dip? 


La Belle 
Michelle 
Lovely MICHELLE 
BAUER has ap- 
peared on the 
big screen in 
Maximum Secu- 
rity, Attack of 
the 60-Foot 
Centerfold 
and Beverly 
Hills Vampire 
and on TV in 
Butterscotch 
and The 
Click. Mi- 
chelle has 
clicked 
with us, 


Keeping Up 

With Jones 
DENA JONES is a 
model in California 
who has appeared 
in boutique shows 
and in recent is- 
sues of Cover Mod- 
els magazine. Hand 
usthat fan. 


See Through 
See Who? 
Red-hot singer DEB- 
ORAH COX’ self- 
titled CD put her 
songwriting sl 
alongside those 
of Babyface, 
Darryl Simons 
and Dianne 
Warren. Rave 
reviews 
came first for 
the off-Broad- 
way musical Mama, 
1 Want to Sing, and 
then for her per- 
formance at Presi- 
dent Clinton's 1992 
inauguration. 


Jonny Be Good 
Only 16 years old, new blues sensation JONNY LANG 
can sing. If you doubt us, check out his major-label 
debut CD, Lie to Me. While other kids were doing 
their junior high thing, Lang was in his room learning 
chords and writing songs. The kid has chops. 


Flipped Her Top 
AMBER ERICKSON will be fa- 
miliar to fans of Playboy's 
Book of Lingerie and view- 
ers of Showgirls and 
Venus Descending. Am- 
ber's ascending. 


You Can 
Believe 

the Hype 

If you haven't yet 
heard On & On, 
the smash hit sin- 
gle from ERYKAH 
BADU's debut CD, 


been compared to 

ie Holiday, but 
she lists Chaka 
Khan, Stevie Won- 
der and Marvin 


8 
to be one of ours. 


ч 


BOOK SMARTS 


You say you don't know your "aba" from your 
“zoomorphic”? Order The Intelligent Bookmark, a 
16-page bookmark-shaped pamphlet listing the 
definitions for "500 difficult words most often 
used by famous authors." Three bookmarks 
with green-, burgundy- and saddle-colored cov- 
ers are $5.50 from the Compendium Corp., at 
800-531-5905. Incidentally, an aba is a “loose 
outer garment" and zoomorphic means "hav- 
ing the form of an animal." 


'THE NORMAN CONQUEST 


Greg Norman's Secret may look orthopedic, 
but this unique device (see inset), which straps 
onto your hand and wrist, is the first golf aid he 
has endorsed in 20 years "because it's so good I 
want to share it with everybody.” The secret of 
the Secret is that it enables you to learn to stabi- 
lize your hands and wrists, which stops slices 
and hooks and improves chipping and putting. 
Price: $70 from 800-556-3532. The Secret. 
comes with a helpful instructional video. 


POTPOURRI 
, — 


THE GOOD, 
THE BAD 
AND THE HORNY 


To experience the yin and 
yang of feathers on a stick 
and a leather teaser, give 
someone the Feather and 
Leather Bouquet and let 
the fun begin. Each “bou- 
quet” consists of two tick- 
lers—one with feathers 
and the other made of 
leather—wrapped in cello- 
phane and ribbons with a 
card attached that reads, 
"I can't remember if 
you're naughty or nice. 
Remind me!” "It's a bou- 
quet that might get you in- 
to trouble, if you're lucky, 
says Debra Jo Bright, the 
owner of Bright Ideas Un- 
limited and creator of the 
item. Price: $25 from 888- 
588-4332. When you call, 
ask about some of Debra's 
other bright ideas. 


THE VIKINGS ARE COMING 


We all know that Viking warriors pillaged and populated North- 
ern Europe like there was no tomorrow. And when there was no 
tomorrow, their ashes were consecrated to the ground in burial 
ships that would bear their souls to the next world. Carl Felix, a 
Swedish master shipbuilder turned model maker, creates Viking 
burial ships such as the 32” cherry-wood one pictured here. But 
his finished product will end up in your den rather than in the 
backyard. Each $2000 boat takes several months to make and 
Carl confers with you on details. Call 616-448-2789 or write him 
at PO. Box 93, Beaver Island, Michigan 49782. Other unusual 
vessels are available for $600 and up. 


FLAME IS THE NAME 
OF THEIR GAME 


We'd say that On the Lighter Side (the 
International Lighter Collectors Club) is 
a flaming success. It began about 12 years 
ago with three members and today boasts 
more than 900 in 18 countries. Dues are 
$35 a year, and that includes a subscrip- 
tion to the club's bimonthly newsletter, 
On the Lighter Side, and information on its 
annual convention. Send your check to 
PO. Box 536, Quitman, Texas 75783, or 
call 903-763-2795 for more information. 


GREAT LOUNGE ACTS 


Julie London singing Cry Me a River is ei- 
ther cheesed out or groovy depending on 
whether you’re Generation X or Genera- 
tion Ex-Lax. So if you want to learn—or 
reminisce—about her and other artists 
“from the earliest torch singers to today’s 
sound innovators,” pick up a $20 copy of 
Ultra Lounge: The Lexicon of Easy Listening 
by Dylan Jones. It’s the definitive history 
of smooth sounds. 


LEGENDS LIVE ON 


Lou Gehrig, Jimmie Foxx and 
Babe Ruth never looked better 
than in this 1930 photograph by 
legendary sports photojournalist 
Bruce Murray. It and the other 
historic baseball and golf pho- 
tographs available from Sports 
Art Direct are hand-printed di- 
rectly from original 4”x5” nega- 
tives onto acid-free paper. An 
11’x 14” numbered image of the 
shot at right in a portfolio is 
$150. Call Sports Art Direct at 
800-417-7625 or check its Web 
site at www.sportsartdirect.com 
to order and to obtain a free cat- 
alog. Golfers will go for a shot of 
Bobby Jones taken back in 1930, 
his Grand Slam year. 


\ 1 BARDSTOWN 


BOURBON IN THE FALL 


Bardstown, Kentucky rolls out the barrels September 13-21 for 
its annual Bourbon Festival. Ten distilleries within the area offer 
plenty of their products to sample, and events range from a bar- 
rel relay race to a bourbon tasting and cigar smoker. There's a 

golf tournament for those who want to swig and swing as well as 


cooking seminars and a bourbon train. Call 800-638-4877. 


TEQUILA NIGHTS 


‘Tequila used to be considered 
the Rodney Dangerfield of 
liquors—it got no respect. But 
with blue agave tequilas rivaling 
scotch and bourbon as an after- 
dinner sip, it’s not surprising 
that a tequila liqueur has hit the 
stores and bars. Agavero, by the 
producers of Gran Centenario, 
is a 64-proof blend of blue agave 
reposado and anejo tequilas mar- 
ried with a "tea" brewed from 
damiana flowers. (Damiana is 
considered by some to be an 
aphrodisiac.) Try it neat, on the 
rocks or in a cocktail. you horny 
gringo. Price: about $25 for a 
750-milliliter bottle decorated 
with a carved depiction of the 
blue agave's sculptural leaves. 


179 


180 


OOH LA LAYLA 


NEXT MONTH 


GRIDIRON WINNER? 


GIRLS OF THE BIG TEN— THE FINEST COEDS ARE BACK— 
AND SCHOOL NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD! IT'S HOW WE 
KICK OFF THIS YEAR'S SPECIAL COLLEGE TRIBUTE 


PIGSKIN PREVIEW—SPORTS EDITOR GARY COLE HAS 
THE GRIDIRON GRIT. CHECK OUT HIS UNCANNY PREDIC- 
TIONS ABOUT THE TOP TEAMS AND THE BEST PLAYERS 


CAMPUS FASHION—DO YOU WANT TO LOOK MONEY ON 
THE QUAD THIS FALL? HOLLIS WAYNE HAS THE LOW- 
DOWN ON SHIRTS, JACKETS AND SHOES FOR CLASS AND 
FOR PLAY 


THE WAY REAL WORLD—GETTING WASTED, GETTING RE- 
JECTED AND GETTING LAID ARE ALL IN A WEEKEND'S 
WORK FOR THESE NINE COLLEGE GIRLS. A FRANK LOOK AT 
CAMPUS LIFE BY ALISON LUNDGREN 


TEA LEONI—IT'S ALL HAPPENING FOR THE STAR OF THE 
NAKED TRUTH, INCLUDING FILMS AND DAVID DUCHOVNY. 
DAVID RENSIN HAS AN EYE-OPENER WITH THE DROP- 
DEAD NEWLYWED IN 20 QUESTIONS 


TOMMY HILFIGER—AMERICA'S SAVVIEST OUTFITTER 
ONCE SOLD BELL-BOTTOMS TO TEENS IN ELMIRA, NEW 
YORK. TODAY HE RUNS A FASHION EMPIRE. THE MAN BE- 


HIND THE LABEL LOOSENS HIS COLLAR IN THIS MONTH'S 
INTERVIEW WITH ALEC FOEGE 


PLAYBOY'S JAZZ & ROCK POLL—ERYKAH BADU MADE US 
GROOVE, THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS MADE US DANCE AND 
FOO FIGHTERS KEPT US MOSHING. WHO ROCKED YOUR 
WORLD? VOTE IN OUR ANNUAL SURVEY 


RUGBY MADNESS—NO PADS, NO FEAR AND, BY THE END 
OF THE NIGHT, NO CLOTHES. SHANE DUBOW EXFOSES 
THE WILDEST CLUB SPORT 


THE KIND OF LUXURIES WE FELT WE DESERVED — 
THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF WORTHY ENTRIES, BUT WE 
CHOSE THIS GEM ABOUT A DYSFUNCTIONAL STEPFAMILY 
AS THIS YEAR'S COLLEGE FICTION CONTEST WINNER—BY 
JONATHAN BLUM 


GUIDE TO COLLEGE BARS—NOTHING STAYS SO VIVID 
AS THAT FIRST BOOZY HANGOUT. HERE ARE THE TOP 100— 
BY LARRY OLMSTED 


PLUS: A PRISON DOCTOR YOU'LL DO TIME FOR, THE UN- 
FORGETTABLE JOAN SEVERANCE, COOL STADIUM GEAR 
AND PLAYMATE LAYLA ROBERTS 


Wear the watch that's 
e 

every time you move Your b 
2 


The new Seiko Kinetic. No battery. — 


Quartz accuracy. Revolutionary. 


KINETIC’ 
Someday all watches will be made this way. 


ÍARC)TU RA” 
series 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


y ^ 
Marlboro 8 
|