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HILFIGER
INTERVIEW

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PLAYBILL

COLLEGE ISNT a place, it’s an attitude. By the time you're done
with this issue, our back-to-school spectacular, you'll be invig-
orated by collegiate spirit. First an update: These days if a
sweater has letters on it, chances are they spell out the name
Tommy Hilfiger, the designer most likely to succeed in clothing
the world. From Harlem to Hollywood, from Greenwich Vil-
lage to Greenwich, Connecticut, everyone loves Tommy “Hip-
Hop” Hilfiger. He's the guy who built a multimillion-dollar
company by taking classic American clothes, adding a break-
beat and selling them to rappers and yuppies alike. In this
month's Playboy Interview by Alec Foege, Hilfiger talks about
how he turned on to acid and flared out with a chain of bell-
bottom stores in the Seventies. Now he counts Mick Jagger
and David Bowie among his friends. Our own Back to Campus porce — us ss

Fashion predicts slick new sweaters and great jackets. Leaving N

the subject of clothes, the women in our Girls of the Big Ten pic-
torial all rate an 11 (the number of schools in that Midwestern
conference). The Big Ten was actually the scene of our first
college Girls of . . . feature. But who's counting?

Scrum again: One of the most popular club sports on cam-
pus, rugby is independent of the Greek system and flies under
the radar of the NCAA. Which is to say it's unregulated—leav- x
ing plenty of room for eye gouging, ear ripping and a game- | 4 г
within-the-game called dick tag. In Crude, Dude! (illustrated by 1 /
Mike Benny), Shane DuBow lets it all hang out with the Salukis
of Southern Illinois University. While guys talk about sex
in bulk—"Did you get laid?" “Yeah.” “High five, dude!"— 2 ST
women tend to treat the subject with semiotic intensity. Junior LINDGREN AA
Editor Alison Lundgren spent a weekend with eight frisky coeds
who are majoring in this most liberal of arts. The resulting ar-
ticle, Coed Confidential, is а required read of the female psyche.
Istvan Bonyei did the artwork. Now that you know how to talk
the talk, you need a place to walk to. America's Top 100 College
Bars by Larry Olmsted will give you the full pitcher on campus
hangouts—including Rulloff’s, a cerebral dive near Cornell.
It's named after a murderer whose brain resides in the psy-
chology lab.

Great minds coach alike—with style and longevity. Three
great coaches—Osborne, Paterno and Bowden—head the
teams that will dominate this season. Or so says Photography жз
Director and football savant Gary Cole in Playboy's Pigskin Pre- OLMSTED
view. He's so good at predictions that around the office we call
him the oddsfather. Richard Izui took the accompanying photo
of rLAYBOY's All-America Team. Another annual rite of fall is
our College Fiction Contest. This year's winner, The Kind of
Luxuries We Felt We Deserved, by University of Iowa student
Jonathan Blum, is a stud’s-eye view of his dad's marriage.
For father and son, bachelorhood beats their broken-family
values.

Grading on her curves: The Washington Post called Jan Bres-
lover's first piece for us (Stacked Like Me, July 1997) “mischie-
vously delightful." This month the former teacher of feminist.
theory at Yale defends the right of female students to seduce
their male professors. In her Forum article, Student Affairs, she
discusses her own loves, polls her friends and finds a normal
range of experiences. Some relationships are numinous; oth-
ers can be summed up as pass-fail. Then Ted C. Fishman ad-
dresses the climate of fear surrounding these couplings on
campus in his companion piece, Professor Lust. Today, even fe-
male professors are being accused of sexual harassment.

Fortunately, sexy women are back on TV, according to Tea
Leoni, the delicious star of NBC's sitcom The Naked Truth. In
the movie Flirting With Disaster, Leoni perfectly combined
physical comedy with a physique to dic for. She rounds out
our issue in a vibrant 20 Questions with David Rensin. Leoni
tears apart O.]'s golf swing, rates satin sheets (thumbs-down)
and likens herself to lobster drenched in butter. As they say in
the dining hall, "Pass the bibs." BRESLAUER FISHMAN RENSIN

PLAYBOY

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Outback Limited offers all the creature comforts of your finer
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PLAYBOY

vol. 44, no. 10—october 1997 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
CUNA EE 522222 7727227 А 7
DEAR PLAYBOY. 13
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 17
MOVIES .... "m 2 VESTES BRUCE WILLIAMSON 19
VIDEO 21
TRAVEL 22
UIC UE 26
WIRED ........ 32
BOOKS, REE 38
HEALTH & FITNESS a 40
EN И ASABABER 41
THE PLAYBOY АЮмМІ50Е.......................... сатыда IDET 3 43
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 5 2 49
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: TOMMY HILFIGER—candid conversation................. 59
COED CONFIDENTIAL—article ..............7.............АШЅОМ LUNDGREN 70
MAD ABOUT CRISTINA—pictorial А 74
CRUDE, DUDE!—article SS eig SHANE DUBOW 80 Paice Nore
BACK TO CAMPUS FASHION Fco bae sce citata ....- HOLLIS WAYNE 84

THE KIND OF LUXURIES
WE FELT WE DESERVED—college fi

-JONATHAN BLUM 90

LAYLA—ployboy's playmate of the month ............ ЖОКСУ, E 94

PARTY JOKES—humor .. 59 106

PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW—sports . . .GARY COLE 109

PLAYBOY GALLERY: JOAN SEVERANCE 115
DRIVETIME—wotches ................................... es LO
PLAYBOY JAZZ & ROCK POLL ................. Я "tie

20 QUESTIONS: TÉA LEONI sida 124

AMERICA’S TOP 100 COLLEGE BARS 5 -..LARRY OLMSTED 126

GIRLS OF THE BIG TEN—pictoriol............. 130

WHERE & HOWTO ВЦҮ................................. ТЕ” 154

PLAYMATE NEWS >... +. СС RE 175 ?
PLAYBOVON THE SCENE: LE ГІ 179 College Bars
COVER STORY Jj

PLAYBOY gives a big ten to the off-the-field stars of the nation’s heartland schools:
the Big Ten Conference Or: cover wes designed by Senior Art Director len
Willis, shot by Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley and produced by
Senior Photo Editor Jim Larson. Thanks to Karen Lynn for wardrobe styling and
to Pat Tomlinson for styling model Stacy Fuson's hair and makeup. You have
to admit, our strong-armed Rabbit makes one hell of a great wide receiver.

GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY, ево NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE. CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60811, PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY TO RETURN UW:

PRINTED IN U.S.A.

PLAYROY

AN EVENING OF PRIDE & JOY

5 STEVIE, RAY VAUG:

“LIVE AT CAR: EGIR! HALL”

On October 4th, 1984...

with his parents in the q audience, ‘Stevie Ray
Vaughan played the | it Carnegie Hall in a
benefit concert an the. ter celebrating his
30th birthday, Featured quests included Jimmie
Vaughan, Dr. John, vocalist Angela Strehli and.
The Roomful Of Blues Horns—ihe first and only
time Stevie Ray ever played with a hom section!

This is the record of that very special event.

Originally Produced by Stevie Ray Vaughan,

Dr. John appears cour

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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor

EDITORIAL
ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; FICTION:
ALICE к. TURNER editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PE
TERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE associate
editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edi-
for; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; STAFF: BRUCE
KLUGER, CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editors;
BARBARA NELLIS associate editor; ALISON LUND-
CREN junior editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE
director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant editor;
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY:
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN BUSHMAN,
ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA SMITH
senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, СЕОВСЕ HODAK,
LISA ROBBINS, SARALYN WILSON researchers; MARK
DURAN research librarian; CONTRIBUTING
EDITORS: ASA BABER, KEVIN COOK, GREICHEN
EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS (ашото-
tive), CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WARREN KALBACKER
D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, REG POTTER
TON, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH,
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies)

ART
KERIG FOPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN.
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; KRISTIN
KORJENEK associate director; ANN SEIDL supervi-
sor, keyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN senior arı assts-
tant; JASON SIMONS art assistant

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR-
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY
BEAUDET-FRANCÉS associate editor; STEPHANIE BAR
NETT BETH MULLINS assistant editors; DAVID
CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD
IZUL DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO
POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photogra-
phers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; тім HAWKINS man-
ager, photo services; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU photo
archivist; GERALD SENN correspondent—paris

RICHARD KINSLER publisher

PRODUCTION
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager;
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD
QUAKTAROLI, TOM SINONEK associate managers

CIRCULATION
LARRY А DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY
sakowrrz communications director

ADVERTISING
ERNIE RENZULLI advertising director; JAMES DI-
MONEKAS, eastern advertising sales manager; JEFF
KIMMEL, sales development manager; JOE HOFFER
midwest ad sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU market-
ing director; LISA NATALE research director

READER SERVICE
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER
RONES rights & permissions manager

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer

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DEAR PLAYBOY

680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60641
FAX 312-649-9534
EMAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOYCOM
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER.

A WORK OF ART
As a teenager in the late Seventies, I
imagined what Farrah Fawcett looked
like in the nude. Thanks to Farrah: All
of Me (July), my adolescent dream has
come true.
Michael Veres
laboinque(2 worldnet.att.net
Strongsville, Ohio

I've never been a big Farrah fan. Her
publicity machine portrayed her as little
more than a mass of blonde hair over a
pretty face. She has certainly come a
long way since then. Her pictorial takes
my breath away. My compliments to the
artist.
Mike Hazs

Incline Village, Nevada

"The Farrah photos are arty, but I like
PLAYBOY'S signature nudes. Let's leave
the art to the galleries.

Woody Williams
dwilliam@junction.net
Vernon, British Columbia

SEX IN THE THIRTIES

As a teenager growing up in Chicago
during the Thirties, I witnessed some of
the sexual tension and tumult so richly
described by James R. Petersen (Playboy's
History of the Sexual Revolution Part IV:
Hard Times [1930-1939], July). I watched
Sally Rand do her fan dance at the 1933
Chicago World's Fair. I saw Hedy La-
marr prance across the screen in the
movie Ecstasy. On occasion I went to the
Rialto Theater on South State Street to
applaud burlesque queen Ada Leonard
doing a striptease. And I stubbornly re-
fused to take a pledge not to see the
movies disapproved of by the Legion of
Decency. What Petersen describes and
interprets in his brilliant decade-by-
decade series of articles is supported in
my and Suzanne Frayser's book Studies
in Human Sexuality, which describes the
contents of the best books on human

sexuality ever written. Petersen has truly
captured the spirit of the sexual revolu-
tion. 1 look forward to his treatment
of the Forties and the rest of the 20th
century.
"Thomas Whitby
Littleton, Colorado

I was interested in the connection Pe-
tersen made between sexuality and the
economy. The Depression changed the
way men and women interacted. So
much of sexuality is determined by your
image of yourself.

John Hernandez

Miami, Florida

As 1 read “Your Hit Parade: Tunes
From the Thirties” (July) in the History
of the Sexual Revolution article, a list of
the incomparable great songs of that
decade, wonderful memories and heart-
tugging nostalgia swept over me. Tears
streamed down my face. Some were
tears of joy because I was fortunate to
have lived during that time and enjoyed
those tunes; some were tears of sorrow
because millions of people will never
hear them as their ears are assaulted
with cacophonous crap

Lanny Middings
San Ramon, California

I've long enjoyed Petersen’s work as
the Playboy Advisor, but I’m even more
impressed by his extraordinary history
of sex in the U.S. I eagerly look forward
to future installments and hope some-
one has the wisdom to put this material
in a book or produce a documentary.
Paging Ken Burns. ...

Chip Keyes

Los Angeles, California

What's fabulous about “Tunes From
the Thirties” is how many of them I can
bring to mind with just a mention of
the title.

Ned Caro
Brooklyn, New York

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Petersen makes selective use ofhistory
to report the sex revolution of the Thir-
ties. He misreads and draws the wrong
condusions from Pope Pius’ encyclical.
He quotes the racist Charles Coughlin
but doesr't mention the pro-Nazi writ-
ings of the founder of Planned Parent-
hood, Margaret Sanger. He assails the
practice of "zealous priests" in blessing
miscarried embryos but doesn’t contend
with the findings of world-renowned
geneticist Jerome Lejeune.

Tzarno@aol.com

‚Petersen responds: "I plead guilty to the sin
of omission. Jerome Lejeune, the French ge-
neticist who identified the chromosome respon-
sible for Down's syndrome, became a staunch
opponent of abortion. He did not want his dis-
covery to be used as a rationale for taking life
(and indeed, testified before a Senate commit-
tee that life begins at conception). His discov-
ery—made in 1959—and his subsequent cru-
sade belong in the Sixties, not the Thirties.
Lejeune wasn't making a scientific judg-
ment—he was expressing a deeply held reli-
gious belief in scientific terms. Personal belief
is one thing; mandating that belief for the rest
of the nation is another. As for Margaret
Sanger's supposed pro-Nazi statements: In re-
cent years, anti-abortion forces have exhumed.
Sanger’s remarks about reproductive fitness
and family planning—and misattributed or
even fabricated others—as a means of attack-
ing Planned Parenthood, the organization she
founded. If you read the article you will see
that Sanger was not a Nazi darling—her
books were tossed on that bonfire in front of
the University of Berlin.”

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
We are living in strange times when
the hippest thing at the movies is 20
years old. But I’m hooked. Bernard
Weinraub's article Luke Skywalker Goes
Home (July) whetted my арреше for the
prequels to come.
Linda Smith
Cleyeland, Ohio

Will the hype never end? I've over-
dosed on high tech. Is there a movie
about regular people in George Lucas”
future?

Nancy James
Birmingham, Alabama

All the flash-and-burn Hollywood-ac-
tion junk just goes to prove that explo-
sions need human drama to make a
great film. Thank you, Bernard Wein-
raub, for reminding us that George Lu-
cas is the man.

George Rodman
Cincinnati, Ohio

NEWS AND NOTES
Working from your “Playmate Trivia”
(Playmate News, June), I project that 2040
will be the year of the Mile-High Play-
mate. I can't wait.
Mick Malkemus
Kauai, Hawaii

June's Playmate News “Gossip” section
includes an item about Julie Cialini's fan
club. Within weeks of writing to Miss
February 1994, I received a personal let-
ter. Upon joining her fan dub, I received
a T-shirt, video, photo and another per-
sonal note as promised. Most guys
dream of having contact with a Play-
mate. Julie delivered with flying colors.
Keith Knudson
Bartlett, Illinois

FINE BRANDI
The first time I saw Brandi Brandt
(Playmate Revisited, July) in her 1987 cen-
terfold shot, I knew she was as precious
as gold. Thanks for revisiting PLAYROY'S
most beautiful Playmate.
Barry Morgan
Dallas, Texas

Farrah Fawcett is a fox and July Play-
mate Daphnee Lynn Duplaix is divine,

but Brandi Brandt beats them both.

She's sexier and more vibrant than ever.
Daniel Dudych
Des Plaines, Illinois

How do the bad boys of hard rock do
it? Tommy Lee has Pamela, Vince Neil
has Heidi Mark, and Nikki Sixx was
married to Brandi Brandt and has now
wedded Donna D'Errico. Please tell us
their secret.

Julian Neil
Jules1999@aol.com
Westlake, Ohio

I'm captivated by Brandi's looks, but
why would she deface her beautiful body
with those garish tattoos? The text ac-
companying her pictorial answered my
question. She was married to a member
of Motley Crue, and as everyone knows,
a Playmate who marries a member of a
band invariably ends up with a tattoo.
Brian Rodgers
Grove City, Ohio

AGE DEFYING
To all the younger women who think
age is their advantage, my response is:
not a chance. I'd like to see Miss July,
Daphnee Lynn Duplaix (Daphnee's Free
Spirit), in ten years and again when she's
50. On second thought, I'd like to see
her again next month.
Josh Martin
ScotchGrd1@acl.com
Sunnyvale, California

HER CUPS RUNNETH OVER
Jan Breslauer's bursting enthusiasm
for her new breasts (Stacked Like Me, Ju-
ly) is proportionate to the decrease in
her journalistic IQ. Anyone who aspires
to the ghastly plastic looks of Cher is not
a feminist. It's true that Breslauer's cup
size is bigger, but she hasn't transformed
herself into anything but a boob.
Bronwyn Elko
Seattle, Washington

Jan Breslauer is a babe. One look at
her picture in Playbill has me begging for
a sexy pictorial.

Darrell Hagelberg
BuildNM@aol.com
Vallejo, California

BY LAND AND BY SEA
Many thanks from the Marines serv-
ing aboard the USS Boxer. Your fabulous
pictorials and articles brighten our days.
We'd also love to see a few Marines in
What Sort of Man Reads Playboy?
J.L. Gibbs Jr.
USS Boxer

We are the VAQ-136 avionics shop оп
board the USS Independence. At sea for
eight months ofthe year, our group ea-
gerly awaits each new issue of PLAYBOY.
Your magazine connects us to the qualit
women in America.

Eric Payne
Brett Bastian
Jay Pecore
Keith Anderson
USS Independence

THE DOCTOR'S IN THE HOUSE
I've been a fan of Anthony Edwards’
work for years and it is a treat to see him
as the subject of July's Playboy Interview.
Of course, this just confirms my belief
that Edwards is a first-rate actor and ER
is a classy TV series.
Denny Jackson
dejackso@seidata.com
Milton, Kentucky

I can't believe the liberal drivel Ed-
wards spouts in the interview, especially
the crap about police and gun control.

С. Chabot
Cruzrdrvr@aol.com
Hooksett, New Hampshire

Ke p it Basic

Tastes Good. Costs Less.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

16 mg “tar” 1.0 mg nicotine
av. per cigarette by FTC method.

PLAYBOY AFTER

THE KRAMER VOTE

Among everyone else who's running
for mayor of New York City, there's Ken-
ny Kramer. He's the inspiration behind
Seinfeld's Cosmo Kramer: He has the
hair (Kenny's mullet is long in back, not
on top), he has the credentials (he really
did live across the hall from Larry David,
Seinfeld’s co-creator) and he has wacky
ideas (Kramer verité scored big when he
thought of hawking electronic disco jew-
elry). In the run for mayor, he's relying
on his record as a karate coach and as
a manager of a reggae band. He also
knows New York—he runs a day trip to
Seinfeld locales and calls it Kramer's Re-
ality Tour. “The ficld of candidates is so
dull," he says. "As a Democrat, I'm cm-
barrassed. As a media slut, I'm in-
spired." He thinks his campaign will ap-
peal to “dysfunctional, attractive, single
people who like to party.” And in a style
that would do his TV alter ego proud, he
smacked his lips and told a female re-
porter, "We can use you on the cam-
paign. Can I call you?”

ARTERIES ARE RED, VEINS ARE BLUE

Earlier ıhis year The Lancet reported
increased interest in poetry among
physicians. There is a long tradition of
physician poets—Friedrich von Schiller,
John Keats, Oliver Wendell Holmes and
William Carlos Williams were equally
versed in colon and couplet—and doc-
tors are again considering poetry's ther-
apeutic value. The Lancet recently pub-
lished a poem by Dr. Ron Charach of
Toronto, editor of the anthology The
Naked Physician. A sampling: "In silence
after heavy rain/you can hear prostates
growing." We know that noise—it's the
sound of one gland clapping.

THE SECRETARY SPREAD

Who knew? In a recent survey con-
ducted by the Sprint Group, morc than
half of the secretaries polled said they
got more work done when the boss was
out of the office. Mornings, apparently,
were the most productive times for three
quarters of those asked. Almost half of
the respondents likened their bosses to

the Lou Grant character on The Mary
Dler Moore Show. And when asked which
piece of office equipment was most like
their boss’ personality, half said the lap-
top computer, while 18 percent cited the
shredder.

CADAVER PALAVER

The American Academy of Forensic
Sciences convention in New York wasn't
just for stiffs. By the sound of the lecture
titles, coroners are real cutups. Included
among the seminars were: "Dandruff as
a Potential Source of DNA in Forensic
Science,” “Methods for Positive Identifi-
cation in a Bus Accident With 28 Burn
Victims” and “Body Recovery From 55-
Gallon Drums: Two Case Studies.”

LOST GENERATION

Maryland's Lieutenant Governor Kath-
leen Kennedy Townsend is considered
one of the more outstanding of Robert
Kennedy's troubled brood. In a recent
interview she gave some advice that
could well help her siblings—especially
the guys. “I definitely read the speeches
before I give them. That's very helpful. I

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY

try to think about what I'm going to say
before I say it. That also is useful." This
marks, we think, the final light going out.
on the New Frontier.

SHOT PUTZ

An advertisement in the first global
magazine for law enforcers, The Interna-
tional Police Review, touts an “anatomical-
ly correct training target” that shows “all
major internal organs and skeletal fea-
tures, to enhance recognition of shot
placement.” The targets go for about 80
cents apiece when you order more than
2000. We understand Hillary Clinton
has some on order if the Paula Jones
case goes to discovery.

CONTRACT FRA DIABLO

Rodney Dangerfield has a great joke
about going to a Mob restaurant and be-
ing served broken leg of lamb. Soon we
may have the recipe. Mafia daughter
turned author Victoria Cotti, whose Sid
ney Sheldonesque first novel (The Sena-
tor's Daughter) earned respectful reviews,
has inked a $1 million, three-book con-
tract for two more novels and a combi-
nation cookbook-Gotti family history.
“I'll be something like Fanny Flagg's
Fried Green Tomatoes in the way it weaves
together stories and recipes,” her editor
at Crown said. We're looking forward to
her tips on what to do when the Teflon
wears off and how to prepare such fami-
ly specialties as stool pigeon en concrete,
horse-head stew, sliced tongue, blood
sausage, Death by Chocolate and her
brother John Jr's favorite, beef jerky.

HOSTEL MANNER

‘The speaker of the Yemeni parliament
calls it “hospitality in Yemen—part of
tourism, an adventure." He's talking
about being kidnapped in his country,
which happens routinely to forcign-
ers. Tourists are seized and held by lo-
cal clans as bargaining chips to wring
schools, land and other concessions from
the central government. In terms of
travel perks, you could do worse. Abduc-
tors have bought cookies for hostages,
loaned them satellite phones to make

RAW DATA

SIGNIFICA, [ SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | STATS AND FACTS

QUOTE
“Тһе trouble with
the rat race is that
even if you win,
you're sull а rat."—
LILY TOMLIN,

END OF SUMMER

The percentage of
swimsuits sold in the
U.S. that never get
wet: 60.

E.T. THE EXTRA
PENSIONER

The percentage of
young adults who
believe that Social
Security will be in
existence when they
retire: 98. Percent-
age of young adults
who believe in ex-
traterrestrial life: 46. 109 percent.

MALL RAT RACE

Amount of time the average Amer-
ican male spends in a retail store: 10
minutes. Amount of time the average
female spends: 13 minutes. Percent-
age of mall revenue spent by female
shoppers: 70.

NOIDING OUT

According to The Paranoid's Pocket
Guide (Chronicle), by Cameron Tut-
tle, number of people per year elec-
trocuted by hair driers: 17.

SQUARES PEGGED
Cost of a Boyfriend-in-a-Box set,
which includes color photos of an
imaginary beau, such as Corporate
Craig, and phony love letters from
him: $15.

BEST RERUNS OF OUR LIVES
Number of years the average 65-
year-old American has spent watch-
ing television: 9.

DIAL 711
In 1996, number of people who
called an Illinois support hotline for
compulsive gamblers: 1700. Number
of the 1700 who called the hotline to
ask for directions to the nearest river-
boat casino: 1403.

FACT OF THE MONTH

Jagged little pills: During
the past five years, the num-
ber of antidepressant pre-
scriptions has incrcascd by

PEPE LE PEW

According to the
newsletter European
Cosmetic Markets, per-
centage of French
men who don't use
body deodorant: 60.
Percentage of French
women who forgo
deodorant: 50.

1 DO, I DO, тро

According to the
U.S. National Center
for Health Statistics,
number of weddings
in which a bride or
groom is walking
down the aisle for at
least the third time:
1 in 7. Current an-
nual ratio between
number of marriages
and number of di-
vorces: 2 to 1.

THE REAL BARKING SPIDER

According to The Compleat Cock-
roach, by David George Gordon, in-
terval at which a cockroach breaks
wind: every 15 minutes. Percentage.
by volume of methane emissions on
earth that are attributed to insect flat-
ulence: 20.

UPWARD SPIRAL

The face value of a Super Bowl
ticket in 1966: $8; in 1997: $275. Av-
erage National Football League
salary: $714,000. Annual earnings of
the tax-exempt portion of the NFL:
$47.5 million, Annual earnings of
NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue:
$3,231,924.

BIG NET
According to The Internet Index, esti-
mated total ad revenues brought in
by all companies on the Net in 1996:
$267 million. Percentage of dollars
spent that came from ads for comput-
er products: 38.

PLUGGED UP

According to an America Online
survey, percentage of men who would
sacrifice five years of their life for a
full head of hair: 25. —LAURA BILLINGS

calls, killed goats in their honor, treated
them to khat (a plant chewed for its
pleasant rush) and given them ceremo-
nial weapons as parting gifts upon re-
lease. Let's see Club Med beat that

PISSED

According to The Austin Daily Herald,
last winter police in Austin, Minnesota
questioned a man who appeared intoxi-
cated and was urinating on a car. After
the man convinced the cops that it was
his own vehicle, they let him off with a
warning. Shortly thereafter, though, the
cops arrested the man for driving under
the influence. They figured out that he
was urinating on the frozen door lock so
he could drive the car away.

TRICKLE UP

Some guys learn to fight or laugh ear-
ly in life thanks largely to their names
Dick Butkus and Rip Torn come to
mind, and now there's Dick Trickle, the
Nascar driver who recently won his first
Grand National event at the age of 55.
Best of all was his postvictory declara-
tion: “Watch out—here I come.”

ELECTRONIC MALE

Sometimes the best way to communi-
cate with a woman is to have somebody
else do it for you—preferably anony-
mously over the Internet. It comes as no
surprise that a popular bit ot chain
e-mail is called 43 Rules for Women. There
is even some wheat among the chafling.
"The list starts with the basics: “Rule 2: If
you are cooking a special dinner for a
man, be sure to include something from
each of the four male food groups: Meat,
Fried, Beer and Red." Rules on sex in-
clude: ^6: When he asks for a threesome
with you and your best friend, he is only
joking. 7: Unless the answer is yes. 8: In
which case, can he videotape it?" Num-
ber 35 is even more direct: “Iwo words:
blow job. Learn it. Li Love it." The
most important üp is practical. "36:
Laundry comes in several categories:
looks fine/smells fine, looks finc/smells
bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you
intend to wash it, do not disrupt piles or-
ganized in this manner."

CHILE RECEPTION

In Santiago, Chile, cell phones are as
much of a status symbol as they are in
the States. In fact, police who cited mo-
torists for chatting while driving found
one third of the phones to be mock-ups
purely for display. Of course, this has no
bearing on the U.S., where those of us
who talk to ourselves tend to take public
transportation.

ALOHA AND GOODBYE

In an obituary column, West Hawaii To-
day noted the untimely passing of 41-
year-old Waimea resident Hy Hoe Silva.

MOVIES

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

IT'S THANKSGIVING in Maine, and writer-
director Bart Freundlich brings mom,
dad, brothers, sisters and significant oth-
ers home for the holiday in The Myth of
Fingerprints (Sony Classics). Practically
everyone on the premises makes love a
lot, but there's little joy in the air in this
absorbing drama about a handsome, up-
scale, screwed-up family that looks un-
nervingly average. Blythe Danner and
Roy Scheider play the parents. gentle
Lena and remote, hypercritical Hal. Ju-
lianne Moore, Laurcl Holloman, Noah
Wyle and Michael Vartan are the sib-
lings, with Hope Davis and Arija Ba-
reikis as the brothers' love interests.
Wondering aloud why he's not fonder of
his live-in girlfriend (Davis), brother
Jake (Vartan) asks his sophisticated sister
Mia (Moore): “Do you think you have to
have had a healthy family life to have a
successful relationship?” To which Mia
replics wryly: “I hope not.” That pret-
ty well sums up the tone and theme of
Fingerprints (the title refers to every-
one’s constantly changing identity),
which never fully explains whether the
underlying cause of the discontent is
early emotional abuse or just New Eng-
land reserve. Regardless of the reason.
the film limns a fascinating portrait of
modern American Gothic angst. ¥¥¥

As a couple of Korean war veterans
facing life in 1954 Indianapolis, Jeremy
Davies and Ben Affleck reflect vintage
male chauvinism in Going All the Way
(Gramercy Pictures). Dan Wakefield’s
screenplay, based on his novel, is a com-
prehensive look at Fifties attitudes re-
garding sex, racc and style. The movic
mainly concerns girls secking commit-
ments and guys trying to get laid. Noth-
ing new there, but Affleck as Gunner
charges the atmosphere as a swinger
who finds meaning in fooling around
with a bright Jewish girl (Rachel Weisz)
despite the objections of his mother
(Lesley Ann Warren). His shy pal, the
would-be photographer Sonny (Davies),
has problems of his own, between his
steady sex partner (Amy Locane) and a
dream girl (Rose McGowan) whose per-
fection seems to inhibit Sonny's perfor-
mance in bed. Anyone who is old
enough to remember this particular
time and place should find Going All the
Way pleasantly nostalgic. ¥¥/2

Crime busting, police corruption and
show business make Los Angeles in the
Fifties look like one hell of a place in
LA. Confidential (Warner Bros.). Working
from a dandy, tough-talking adaptation

Weisz: Nice going

Families in crisis
and Los Angeles
cops out of control.

of James Ellroy's novel, director Curtis
Hanson steers his stellar cast dough a
sizzling drama that seldom lets up. Kev-
in Spacey heads the list as a publicity-
driven cop who specializes in busting
the rich and famous, helped along by the
editor (Danny DeVito) of a celebrity tell-
all rag called Hush-Hush. Add to this.
mixture a decadent socialite (David
Straitbairn) with drug connections and a
gorgeous top-of-the-line hooker (Kim
Basinger) who's gussied up to look like
Veronica Lake, and you have a pop saga
with plenty of momentum. Among those
dubiously motivated members of the
LAPD are Guy Pearce, Russell Crowe
and James Cromwell, with Ron Rifkin as
a venal D.A. with secrets to die for.

Double- and triple-crossing one an-
other, they all connive to make L.A. Con-
fidentiol a high-stepping slice of low life
that ranks with the best. УУУУ

Radha and Sita (Shabana Azmi and
Nandita Das) are two unhappy New Del-
hi vives whose mates give them ample
reason to turn to cach other. Radha’s
husband is a cclibate mystic, while Sita’s
spends all his quality time with his CI
nese mistress. The result is Fire (Zeitgeist
Films), the first movie from India to con-
front lesbianism. Low-key and never re-
motely salacious, the film still stirred
controversy at home for writer-director
Deepa Mehta. Slow-paced, perhaps even
dull by Western standards, Fire is none-

theless erotic, delicate and an honest

effort to remind us that middle-class In-

dian women may have morc on their

minds than choosing fabrics for saris. ¥¥
.

Writer-director and sometime actress
Kasi Lemmons makes her feature film-
making debut with £ve's Bayou (Trimark),
an exotic if theatrical drama juiced
up with hints of infidelity, incest and
voodoo. The story begins with a narrator
confiding: "The summer I killed my fa-
ther I was ten years old." What follows
concerns the family of an affluent doctor
named Louis (Samuel L. Jackson), who
lives on a grassy Louisiana spread with
his wife (Lynn Whitfield) and children,
including two daughters (Jurnee Smol-
lett as the titular Eve, Meagan Good as
nubile Cicely). Unfortunately, the doc-
tor's practice scems to call for lots of latc-
night calls on his female patients. His
philandering is just one pressing reason
for Eve to wish daddy were dead. Debbi
Morgan adds a touch of mystery as the
doctor's bedeviled sister, whose hus-
bands seldom survive. Diahann Carroll
further hexes the situation as a local
voodoo woman, Elzora. The sultry,
snaky Southern atmosphere weaves a
spell, even when the melodrama is less
than convincing. ¥¥

Plenty of sniggering jokes about
sperm donations in a masturbatorium
set the tone of A Smile Like Yours (Para-
mount). Lauren Holly and Greg Ki
near make an attractive twosome trying
to conccive and going through the usual
hell at a fertility clinic. Joan Cusack plays
the wife's wry friend, with Jill Hennessy
and Christopher McDonald as the out-
siders who present the temptation o
fidelity when all that obligatory coupling
starts to pull the young marrieds apart.
Writer-director Keith Samples’ dialogue
has snap, but this soapy romantic come-
dy is all but dripping with déjà vu. YY

Russian terrorists of the old red-or-
dead school seize Air Force One (Colum-
bia) in the skyborne thriller starring
Harrison Ford. Everything a Ford fan
could hope for is here, with Harrison as
a U.S. president held hostage vith his
first lady (Wendy Crewson, see Off Cam-
era) and their young daughter. Gary
Oldman, in the main villain’s role, chews
all the scenery that isn't blown up or
away by director Wolfgang Petersen. Pe-
tersen proves he's a peerless creator of
breath-stopping suspense, as he did with
Das Boot and In the Line of Fire. Han-
dling the one way or another, are
William H. Macy, Dean Stockwell and

Crewson: Ford's first lady.

OFF CAMERA

She’s been seen all over the na-
tion as America’s first lady, mar-
ried to President Harrison Ford in
Air Force One. But the political an-
gle isn't new to beautiful Wendy
Crewson. She met her husband, ac-
tor Michael Murphy, on the set of
Tanner 788, the Robert Altman ca-
ble TV series in which Murphy
had the title role as a presidential
candidate. They now have two
small children and live “far out of
the loop,” in the San Francisco Bay
Area. The Canadian-born Crew-
son relishes getting away to the
family's vacation retreat in Kenne-
bunkport, Maine, but notes: “This
used to be a fine little fishing vil-
lage, but when George Bush was
elected, there went the neighbor-
hood. We now have 101 T-shirt
shops and it'll never be the same.

“With Air Force One," says Wen-
dy, “I feel I've reached the pinna-
cle of my roles as a worried wife
and mother.” She was Tim Al-
len's ex-wife in the 1994 hit The
Santa Clause and does another
“worried wife" bit in the forthcom-
ing The Eighteenth Angel. For a
change of pace, she prefers her
part in Gang Related with Jim Be-
lushi and Tupac Shakur. “I play
the district attorney, a loud, foul-
mouthed broad. it was great to get
to lace into these two powerful
characters.”

While Crewson calls herself “a
suburban wife,” she says, “It is
dawning on me now that there are
projects I ought to do, maybe pro-
duce. I'm ready to get something
big going—before I’m too old. Yes,
I think it’s time.”

Xander Berkeley, with Glenn Close on
the phone as the harried vice president.
They all get my vote. ¥¥¥/2

Martin Scorsese produced Kicked in the
Heed (October Films), which means co-
author and director Matthew Harrison
certainly has talent. With his co-writer
and star Kevin Corrigan on deck as a
screwed-up New Yorker named Red-
mond, Harrison tracks the guy's misad-
yentures with his amoral uncle (James
Woods), a loudmouthed friend (Michael
Rapaport) and a flight attendant (Linda
Fiorentino) with scads of attitude. There's
also a former favorite girl (Lili Taylor)
he's trying to dump. Redmond is suppos-
edly searching for "truth" and thinks he
has it "written down somewhere." Why
the movie keeps cutting away to old news-
reel shots of the Hindenburg disaster is ei-
ther anyone's guess or Harrison's secret.
Even so, there's Hair and originality here
without recourse to those frequent shots
ofan exploding blimp. ¥¥/2

A lighthearted approach to homopho-
bia makes Kiss Me, Guido (Paramount) a
highly likable comedy. Only a curmud-
geon would find anything politically in-
correct about the plight of Frankie Zito
(played with amusingly manly zest by
Nick Scotti), a pizza maker and would-be
actor who yearns to leave the Bronx and
test his talent in Manhattan. Answering
an ad for a roommate, Zito takes GWM
to mean "guy with money” rather than

gay white male.” After his disconcerting
first encounter with Warren (Anthony
Barrile), an actor-choreographer, Frank-
ie is introduced to the gay world and ul-
timately—with his Italian family looking
on—makes his stage debut in a gay Off
Broadway play. In this broadly drawn
first feature, director Tony Vitale depicts
the collision of cultures as both convinc-
ing and droll. ¥¥

Fooling around with DNA, a scientific
genius (Mira Sorvino) and her husband
(Jeremy Northam) wipe out a mysteri-
ous disease by creating a new species
called the Judas breed. Years later, the
cure turns into a curse—with the ap-
pearance of mutated buglike creatures
that prey on everything in sight. That's
the premise of Mimic (Dimension Films),
which begins as a genuinely scary shock-
er but drops off disappointingly. Direc-
tor Guillermo del Toro’s subterranean
thriller ends with the principals (plus
Josh Brolin, Giancarlo Giannini, Charles
S. Dutton—and young Alexander Good-
win as an autistic boy sure to vin audi
ence sympathy) pursued by the crea-
tures through spectacular New York
tunnels. Sorvino's performance almost.
makes Mimic as harrowing as it was in-
tended to be. ¥¥/2

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Air Force One (Sce review) Ford in fine
form as a hijacked president. УУУУ;
Box of Moonlight (8/97) Wake-up-and-
live lessons for tightly wrapped gens
Turturro.

Brilliant Lies (9/97) Down unde a
case of sexual harassment goes to
court. ууу:
Career Girls (9/97) Both reminiscing
about swinging London way back
when. yw
Different for Girls (9/97) Dating an old
school pal who's undergone a sex
change EA
Dream With the Fishes (8/97) A suicid-
al guy decides to opt for life in the
fast lane first. vv
Eve's Bayou (See review) The domes-
tic life of a philandering Louisiana
doctor. ЫШ
Fire (See review) Lovelorn wives find
each other in New Delhi. Уу
The Full Monty (9/97) Body English by
amateur male strippers. ET]
Going All the Way (See review) Boy-
meets-girl games, Fifties style. ҰҰ/
In the Company of Men (9/97) A pair of
macho guys making trouble. | www
Kicked in the Head (See review) The tri-
als of being a young NYC nerd about
town, A
Kiss Me, Guido (Scc review) Antics of
a macho pizza maker and his вау
roommate.

L.A. Confidential (Sec review) GE
cops on the Hollywood scene. ¥¥¥¥
Late Bloomers (8/97) A small-town high
school is disrupted by a lesbian
affair. УУУ)»
Меп in Black (9/97) Their search for
aliens on earth is hilarious. УУУУ
Mimic (See review) Mira Sorvino is the
damsel distressed by monsters. УУУ;
Mrs. Brown (8/97) Widowed Queen
Victoria finds a new man after Albert
kicks the can. LLLI
The Myth of Fingerprints (See review)
Everyone home for the holidays and
not enjoying it much. n
187 (9/97) Unteachable kids make a
teacher's life unbearable. wu
A Smile Like Yours (See review) How to
get pregnant and stay happy. YY
Star Maps (8/97) Hollywood studs
point out celebrity homes and hustle
on the side. Wh
Sunday (9/97) Lonely woman meets
homeless man for mutually satisfying
case of mistaken identity. YY
Talk of Angels (9/97) Beautiful people
in love in vain in pre-Civil War

Spain. yy
УУУУ Don't miss — YY Worth a look
¥¥¥ Good show 3 Forget it.

VIDEO |

GUEST ШІП

Comedian Milton

Berle recently

launched the lux-

игу gaming quar-

terly Milton ("We

Drink, We Smoke,

We Gamble”),

but that hasn't

kept him away

from his VCR.

Berle says he

likes to revisit the all-star

comedy romp it’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad
World. "It's funny, it's clean and it's one cf
the greatest films around—and not just
because I'm in it." Berle also enjoys the vid
biography of director John Huston, The
Man, the Movies, the Maverick. “! love all
Huston's films. He was a brilliant director
and a terrific quy." But here's a little sur-
prise: Although Uncle Miltie was nctorious
for doing his stand-up shtick in women's
clothing, he isn't partial to contemporary
cross-dressing cinema, such as Tootsie
and Mrs. Doubtfire. 71 did drag for fun and
comedy,” he says, “not just to make a
point.” So there. — DUNA CIE

VIDBITS

Fifteen years ago, National Public Radio
journalist and political activist Mumia
Abu-Jamal was convicted of the murder
of a Philadelphia police officer. Debate
about his guilt has persisted ever since,

ith many maintaining Abu-Jamal is the
victim of politics and a capricious judicial
system. When it first aired on HBO in
1996, Mumia Abu-Jamal: A Case for Reason-
able Doubt? (Fox Lorber, $60) raised eye-
brows with its exclusive interviews and
previously unreleased eyewitness ac-
counts. You make the call.

CLASSIC CAMEOS

They're called bit parts when you're no-
body, and cameos when you're famous.
Careful now, don't blink.

Young Frankenstein (1974): Hot off The
French Connection, “serious actor” Gene
Hackman is barely recognizable as a
clumsy, blind hermit. He’s also a hoot.
The Lodger (1926): Everyone knows Hitch-
cock was the cameo king. Here are his
first and second appearances: early on as
a news photographer, and in a crowd
scene at the end.

Staying Alive (1983): Hey, watch where
you're going. Director Sly Stallone docs
hisown Hitch bit, bumping shoulders on
the street with jive-walking John Travolta.
Shakes the Clown (1991): Robin Williams
teaches a mime class in a dizzying cam-
ео; Florence Henderson is Bobcat Gold-

thwait’s hungover one-night stand.

Love Happy (1949): Marilyn Monroc does
a walk-on—and what a walk—as the sexy
client of private eye Groucho Marx.

Enter the Dragon (1973): Bruce Lee met—
and killed—Jackie Chan long before
Chan became a star. Look for Brucie
snapping Jackie's neck in the cave scene.
Cabin Boy (1994): Crusty sailor David Let-
terman sends “nancy boy" Chris Elliott
to the wrong boat in this C-movie classic.
Psycho (1960): When Norman Bates is
locked in the padded room at the end,
check out the uniformed guard outside.
Ten years later Ted Knight would be Ted
Baxter on The Mary Byler Moore Show.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987): The
Six Degrees kid strikes again: Speedy
Kevin Bacon snatches a cab from Steve
Martin on a New York street. Does that
boy ever take a day off?

The Player (1992): With 65 actors playing,
themselves, who doesn't cameo in this
film? At least two: Patrick Swayze and
Jeff Daniels—their walk-ons were ulti-
mately cut out. — BUZZ MCCLAIN

LASER FARE

The DVD Age has arrived, but which of
the miniplatters are better than the rest?
According to The Laser Disc Newsletter
(BUU-55 1-4914), the following is a collec-
tor's dream starter kit:

In the Line of Fire (Columbia Tristar): The
best DVD-picture transfer to date.

Blade Runner: The Director’s Cur (Warner
Bros.); Precise transfer shows off special
effects in exceptional detail.

He jolted the
adult industry in
the early Nineties
with his trade-
mark scorchers,
which feature
MITV-style vi-

gnettes, beautiful

actors, lavish

sets and jaw-

dropping sex.

Now Andrew Blake is back with the
Sleepless Night Collection (Studio A En-
tertainment). Our favorite entry: Un-
leashed, starring Selena and Laura Palmer,
who explore their erotic boundaries after
receiving a mysterious crystal phallus.
That'll do it every time.

The Wizard of Oz (MGM/UA): Top color
transfer; includes French and Spanish
audio tracks.

The Wild Bunch (Warner Bros.): Longer
edition includes Oscar-nominated short
The Wild Bunch: An Album in Montage.
Raging Bull (MGM/UA): Razor-sharp
black-and-white picture in both letter-
boxed aud full-sciceu vei
A Boy and His Dog (Lumivision): Includes
dircctor's commentary, deleted scenes
and publicity photos

Blozing Saddles (Warner Bros.): Mel
Brooks interview, along with letterboxed
and full-screen versions.

us.

Lior Liar (son's wish turns pathological

truth machine; amusing, semicantrolled spin by Jim Carrey),
Jungle2lungle (dumb fun as Tim Allen brings long-lost
Tarzan son home to Manhattan;

isney on autopilot).

Chasing Amy (urban übercouple hos one litile problem: she's
goy; smart silliness from Clerks’ Kevin Smith), Inventing the

STAR TURN

Private Parts (Howard Stern's
mare yuks than shocks from the ubiq
Own (cop Ford unwittingly welcomes IRA killer Pitt into his

Abbotts (Fifties brathers fixate on hot rich-girl sisters; Liv Tyler
fine, but Jennifer Connelly smolders).

-os-I-wanne-be biopic;
tous jock), The Devil's

home; fine thriller that deserved better bax office).

Kama Sutra: A Tole of Love (newlywed king lusts for comely
servant; dreamy and rich], The Buddha of Suburbia (The Eng-
lish Patient's Naveen Andrews checks out Seventies Londan
punk scene; BBC pic deemed toa sexy for U.S.).

TRAVEL

STAY FLEXIBLE, FLIERS

If you have a few hours' layover between flights, skip the na-
» chos and extra-shot-for-a-buck cocktails and hit the gym in-
stead. A surprising number of hotels in or near airports offer
bargain fitness options. Nine dollars at Chicago's O'Hare
Hilton, for example, allows the use of its Nautilus equipment,
cardiovascular machines, sauna, steam room and Jacuzzi.
Golfers can play a round at Pinehurst Club #2 (or another top
course) with a virtual reality simulator for $15 an hour. For
the real thing in Texas, take a five-minute shuttle to the Hyatt
Regency Dallas-Fort Worth and enjoy a round of golf at the
Bear Creek Golf & Racquet Club for $65. Five dollars buys ad-
mission to the health club in the hotel's west tower, where
there's aerobic equipment and a heated pool. Miami’s Inter-
national Airport Hotel, which is in the terminal, also charges
only $5 for a daily pass that includes the use of all amenities
plus a running track. Marriott offers workouts at Orlando and
Baltimore-Washing-
ton International air-

ports. Sheraton Gate-
way expands your

options with its Day-
break program: At a
cost of at least 50 per-
cent off an overnight
rate, a room for sever-
al hours between eight.
A.M. and six PM. offers
full use of the hotel fa-
cilities plus access to
the health club, busi-
ness center and express laundry service. Travelers can alight
at a Sheraton Gateway near Toronto, Chicago O'Hare, Atlanta
Hartsfield, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Miami airports. All
offer free shuttle service. The O'Hare Sheraton Gateway, for
example, costs about $110.

NIGHT MOVES: SAIGON

Saigon (or Ho Chi Minh City, its name since 1975, in honor of
President Ho Chi Minh) is a southern Vietnamese city with
equal parts old and new. During the day, women in tradition-
al chiffon dresses and farmers in rice-picking hats swarm the
markets and streets. When night falls, Saigon pulses with So-
ho-style bars, clubs and restaurants. Begin your evening at
Bia Hoi Thanh Nha (6 Hai Ba Trung Street), a beer hall
where the locals hang out, or Bar Catinat (4 Nguyen Thiep),
known for its potent cocktails. Next, hire a trishaw and head
to the seafood restaurant-lined Thi Sach Street (pick an
eatery with a balcony for people-watching) to indulge in
boiled, barbecued or salted crab. Or try Lemon Grass (4
Nguyen Thiep) for excellent Vietnamese fare. Prefer a ro-
mantic setting? Head to the Majestic Hotel's elegant open-air
restaurant (1 Dong Khoi Street, DI). There's also Carmargue
(116 Cao Ba Quat Street), a French restaurant in a lovely vil-
la. Its quiet bar is great for conversation. As an alternative to
the bustling city, rent a $5-an-hour boat and cruise the Saigon
River. The currency is the dong, but dollars are widely ac-
cepted. Later, there's the Marine Club (17A4 Le Thanh Ton
Street, D1) for live piano music, Buffalo Blues (72A Nguyen
Du Street) for jazz or the Downunder Disco (Saigon Floating
Hotel) for—you guessed it. Afier midnight, try Apocalypse

Now (2C Thi Sach Street, DI), a jungle-themed dance-and-

billiards bar where trendy Vietnamese congregate before

heading to the Q Bar (under the Municipal Theater), one of
Saigon's first Western bars. It's a classy place to meet single

22 women and a great way to end the night.

— GREAT ESCAPE
SIPADAN ISLAND

Borneo for Christmas? Why not? Sipadan Island, off the
Coast, is about as far from slushy streets, jingling bells and
endless choruses of The Little Drummer Boy as you can
get. Charlie Gibbs of the Creative Adventure Club in Cos-
ta Mesa, California, describes Sipadan and its native-style
beach huts as being right out of Тот Sawyer and Swiss
Family Robinson. With a 2000-foot drop 30 feet from

venture back on Borneo. The 15-day excursion from De-
cember 21 to January 4 costs $3550 to $3750 (air includ-
ed), double occupancy. Call CAC at 714-545-5888 for
more information about this and other exotic trips.

ROAD STUFF

Eximious of London's leather travel tray (pictured below)
snaps at the four corners to become a catchall for coins, keys
and the other pocket pickings that accumulate when you trav-
el. Snapped, it's six inches square, and the $44.50 price in-
cludes monogramming (up to three initials). Also pictured is
the company's leather . passport case that's fitted with
plastic sleeves. Price: $45. е To keep it together on the road,
tote a spiral-bound Traveler's Expense Log and Organizer
that contains 12 envelopes for storing travel receipts. Price:
$15. е If you're long on power suits but short on packing
skills, Rowenta's new Steambrush has a 90-second heat-up
time that will have you vaporizing wrinkles faster than you
can ask, "What time is the meeting?" The $50 price also in-
cludes a crease attachment and travel case. € Panasonic has
developed a Plus Alkaline battery great for flights to Hong
Kong or ‘Tokyo. The AAs last up to 26 percent longer in
portable CD players than comparable brands. D, C, AAA and
nine-volt sizes are also available. Price for four AAs: about $6.

WHERE & HOW
TO BUY ON PAGE 154,

Variety is the spice of life.

Those who appreciate quality enjoy it responsibly.

91595 CROWN ROYALSIMFORTED IN THE BOTTLE» BLENDED CANADIAN WHISKY 87% ALCCHOL BY VOLUME (80 PROOF « JOSEPH E. SEAGRAM & SONS, NEW YORK, NY

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

KT
5 "
“

Offer limited to smokers 21 years of age or older. Offer

void in Kansas. Request for catalogs must be received by

4/15/98. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for catalog delivery.

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MERIE

BLUES

IMAGINE IF Muddy Waters and Howlin’
Wolf had never left sleepy Mississippi for
the bright lights of Chicago and Mem-
phis. Their music would probably sound
a lot like that of Junior Kimbrough, now
in his late 60s. Kimbrough has been
playing his haunting version of electric
blues in his own Mississippi juke joint
for decades, and it's a revelation. His
barbed-wire guitar runs are mesmeriz-
ing. Kimbrough's intense songs don't
charge toward some climax, like urban
blues—they hang suspended in the sen-
suality of a Southern night. His latest al-
bum, Most Things Haven't Worked Out (Fat
Possum/Capricorn), is easily his best.
This is blues as trance music, sharing the
same hypnotic quality as African and Su-
fi music. —VICGARBARINI

R&B

Kenny Gamble and Leon Huffare two
of the most underappreciated figures in
R&B. As label heads, songwriters and
producers, Gamble and Huff were the
architects of the Philly sound. The Philly
Scund: Kenny Gamble, Leon Huff & the Story of
Brotherly Love (Epic/Legacy) is a three-disc
celebration of the men and their musical
movement.

Although producer Thom Bell is
mostly absent (so there are no cuts by the
Spinners or the Stylistics), the 48 songs
by the likes of the O'Jays, Harold Mclvin
& the Blue Notes, Laura Nyro, Dusty
Springfield, MFSB, the Jacksons and
Wilson Pickett (singing Don't Let the Green
Grass Fool You) are still a feast. Motown is
rightly celebrated, but the Philly sound
deserves its day in the sun.

The Family Stand has worked іп pop's
margins. The band had a hit with Ghetto
Heaven, and its new CD, Butter (East/
West), continues in a nonconformist di-
rection. You can hear Stevie Wonder in
When Heaven Calls and Keepin’ You Satis-
fied —and Don't Ask Why soars.

—NELSON GEORGE

ROCK

Most English progressive rock from
the Seventies sounded pretentious. King
Crimson was the exception. The first
version of the band, which produced the
epic In the Court of the Crimson King (fea-
turing Greg Lake, lan McDonald and
Robert Fripp), lasted only a year. Epitaph
(Discipline Global Mobile) presents four
live sets from the band’s original lineup
that prove they weren't just full of classi-
cal gas. The performances are as fero-
cious and daring as punk at its height,
but with a sound like a mix of Ornette

28 Coleman, Jimi Hendrix and Igor Stra-

Junior Kimbrough works things out.

Celebrate the Philly
sound, Sufi music, the
blues and gospel.

vinsky. (DGM, P.O. Box 5282, Beverly
Hills, CÀ 90209). — VIC GARBAKINI

Luna is Dean Warcham's attempt to
make genuine pop music out of the Vel-
vet Underground tributes of his Eighties
band, Galaxie 500. And on 1995's Peni-
house and on Pup Tent (Flektra), Ware-
ham's enjoyable melodies have filled
out, with crucial support from the kind
of cushy guitar drones the Velvets pio-
neered 30 years ago. Wareham drawls
his casually literate lyrics untainted by
cocktail retro. Thisis dinner music for the
rock-and-roll age. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU

WORLD

With hundreds of albums to his credit,
Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan is widely regard-
ed as the finest singer of Qawwali, or Su-
fi devotional music. So the selection of
four songs ranging in length from 12
minutes to 25 on The Greatest Hits of Nusrat
Fateh Ali Khan (Shanachie) is arbitrary
and vaguely out of context. It’s odd that
Khan's collaborations with Peter Gabriel,
Massive Attack and Eddie Vedder (which
are his greatest hits in the West) are miss-
ing. So just forget the album tide, sit
cross-legged on the floor and groove.
Along with a small ensemble singing
backup and playing percussion, ассог-
dion and the occasional stringed instru-
ment, Khan takes you deep into the un-
conscious. You don't have to be Sufi to
appreciate it.

Spicing up the relentless dance beat of
disco with West African rhythms, Ba-
hamian junkanoo music is crafted as the
purest sort of party music, far more cx-
troverted than its cousin reggae. From
the Bahamas, Baha Men play junkanoo
on I Like What I Like (Mercury) with an in-
fectious joy useful for getting your day
started in the right mood and indispens-
able for throwing the perfect island-
themed party. If you can't dance to Baha
Men's K.C. and the Sunshine Band med-
ley, That's the Way J Get Down, you can't
dance, period. — CHARLES M. YOUNG

Arto Lindsay, the Brazilian-raised
New York mainstay, long ago invented

Î the guitar-noise music known as skronk.
© With the Ambitious Lovers and now so-

lo, Lindsay moved om to something
sweeter and sexier— Brazil's airy, rhyth-
mically intricate bossa nova. Last ycar's
O Corpo Sutil/The Subtle Body bridged the
barrier between English and Portuguese
while playing the style relatively straight.
The new Mundo Civilizado (Bar/None,
PO. Box 1704, Hoboken, NJ 07030)
mixes in drum-and-bass, Brazilian per-
cussion and covers of Prince and Al

Green. The results are more accessible.
Less consistent is the work of the hon-
or roll of rockers, headed by David
Byrne and the Beastie Boys’ Money
Mark, who experiment with Brazilian
pop on the AIDS benefit Red Hot + Rio
(Antilles). Those who want to sample the
south-of-the-equator originals should

check out Nova Bossa: Red Hot on Verve.
—ROBERT CHRISTGAU

GOSPEL

Most of God's Property From Kirk Frank-
lin's Nu Nation (B-Rite) is conventional
gospel. At his best, as on Sweet Spirit,
Franklin sounds like great gospelers Pro-
fessor Alex Bradford and Archie Brown-
lee. But Franklin isn't much of a preach-
er, and the choir isn't ingenious.
Nevertheless, Franklin has made a
breakthrough. Avoiding the banalities of
Christian rappers, Stomp and You Are the
Only One incorporate the vocabulary of
hip-hop and dancehall. Stomp is built
around George Clinton’s One Nation Un-
der a Groove, which is about as audacious
as claiming a cloven hoof for a Christian
symbol. I doubt Franklin has the imagi-
nation to push this merger—but that
doesn't mean someone else won't.

—DAVE MARSH

COUNTRY
On Under the Covers (Reprise) Dwight
Yoakam recalls his days spent listening to
the AM radio in Columbus, Ohio. This

collection of 11 cover songs (and one
Jimmie Rodgers surprise track) includes
a honky-tonk remake of Wynn Stewart's
Playboy, Sonny and Cher's Baby Don't Go
and a Sammy Davis Jr-style send-up of
the Kinks’ Tired of Waiting for You.

— DAVE HOEKSTRA

The Cicadas (Warner) suggests that
Nashville vet Rodney Crowell really
yearns to be Nick Lowe. That's the im-
pression you get from tracks such as
When Losers Rule the World and We Want
Everything. But then the red-dirt roots of
Crowell, guitarist Steuart Smith and the
rest of the band assert themselves. No
one has ever sung such a convincing ver-
sion of Tobacco Road. And Our Little Town,
a songwriting collaboration between
Crowell and mentor Guy Clark, brings it
all back home. Though their ambitions
are modest, I think the Cicadas' songs
are far more successful than John Foger-
ty's current bombast.

Singer-songwriter R.B. Morris has
recorded Take That Ride (Oh Boy) on
John Prine's record label. His songs
range from a quasi-Irish ballad, Ridin’
With O'Hanlon, to the Tom Petty-like
Hell on a Poor Boy to a cover of Robert
Mitchum's bootlegging epic, Ballad of
Thunder Road. All are lyrically sophisti-
cated, as befits Morris’ background as
poet and playwright. The real drawing
card is the music, sparked by Kenny
Vaughan's ringing guitars and (on Dog
Days) an Al Kooper organ riff that seems
to have drifted off a vintage Dylan al-
bum. Maybe best of all is Roy, about a
wino who grew up with songwriter Don
Gibson, done as a duet with Prine. The
story Morris gets out of this wreck is
evocative, unsparing and effortless in its
sad detail. This debut album makes you
lust for the follow-up. —DAVE MARSH

JAZZ

‘Traveling through Vietnam while lis-
tening to Miles Davis’ Sketches of Spain in-
spired Michael Blake to create his own
musical travelog. On Kingdom of Champa
(Intuition) Blake—best known for play-
ing tenor in the Lounge Lizards—blends
East with West and ancient with modern.
Leading a group that includes the avant-
garde guitarist David Tronzo, Blake’s vi-
sion bristles with color, textures and
mystery. —NEIL TESSER

CLASSICAL

The world’s greatest living cellist,
Mstislav Rostropovich, has dramatically
expanded the range of his instrument.
With Rostropovich: The Russian Yeors, EMI
Classics compiles a definitive account of
his work from 1950 to 1974. This 13-CD
set (mostly from Soviet radio archives) із
remarkable, and is essential for any lover
of serious music. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH

FAST TRACKS

Christgau | Garbarini

Kirk Franklin
Nu Nation 8 6 8 6 6
Junior Kimbrough
Mosi Things Haven't

Worked Out, 10 9

Nusrat Fateh Ali

Khan
The Greatest Hits 6 7 7
Various artists
The Philly Sound 7 10 10

ELWOOD BLUES RETURNS DEPARTMENT:
James Brown, Arethe and members of
the original Blues Brethers band join
Don Aykroyd in Blues Brothers 2000 to
help Sister Mary Stigmata once again
Praise the Lord and passthe popcorn.

REELING AND ROCKING: Queen Latifah is
shooting a movie with Denny DeVito,
having wrapped Sphere with Dustin
Hoffman, Sharon Stone and Samuel L.
Jackson. She's also writing a book on
self-esteem and getting ready to re-
lease her next album. Bret Michaels
of Poison wrote and directed The Last
Child and co-starred in the film with
his production company partner
Charlie Sheen, Sheen's father Martin,
Cary Elwes and Luke Perry. . . . Mike Myers
isn't worried about playing Studio 54
co-owner Steve Rubell. Journalists may
call it leaving comedy for drama,
but we refuse to call those disco years
serious.

NEWSBREAKS: Ringe is recording
again. So is Dylan, . . . PBS has a
new music series, Sessions at West 54th.
"The title comes from the studio where
itis taped. k.d. lang, Brian Wilson, David
Byrne, Ben Folds Five, Rickie Lee Jones
and Philip Glass are among the first
artists appearing on the shows. . . .
"The great Al Kooper is teaching song-
writing and production this fall at
Boston’s Berklee College of Music. . . .
Ani DiFranco, wearing her hat as the
head of Righteous Babe Records, told
those at the National Association
of Independent Record Distributors
convention to think small, be nice to
your fans and creditors, deal with lo-
cal merchants and, oh yes, make great
records. . . . NARAS added three new
Grammy categories: best dance re-
cording, best remixer and best Latin
rock/alternative album. . . . When Paul
McCartney went online this past May,

he was able to answer only 29 of thc
3 million questions submitted. Some-
one from McCartney's crew calculat-
ed it would take six years to answer
them all. . . . Luscious Jackson, which
took its name from former NBA star
Lucious Jackson, has written and per-
formed the theme song for the
Women's National Basketball Associa-
tion. . .. Oasis is cracking down on un-
official Web sites and will take legal
action against those that use copy-
righted material without permission.
‘The Gallagher brothers said, “We
have always encouraged fan pages,
but there are a number of sites that
have taken advantage of the situa-
tion.” There is speculation that Oasis
has taken this action to avoid 92%
problem of last year, when poor-qual-
ity recordings of Pop were leaked on
the Internet. . . . The Black Crowes
recorded an album before the Fur-
thur Festival this past summer. They
went into the studio to record some
demos and before they knew it, they
had 11 new songs. . . . Soul Asylum
played a postponed prom for two
schools this past June in Grand Forks,
North Dakota. The Minneapolis band
wanted to do something for the kids
along the flooded Red River. . . . Ca-
moro Kambon, the youngest person ever
to win an Emmy, has also won a BMI
music award. Kambon won the prizes
for scoring the documentary Sonny
Liston: The Mysterious Life and Death of
a Champion and is now working with
Dr. Dre on a new album. .. . The great
Kiss-off: Fans can now purchase a Kiss
Visa card. One has the band in full
makeup; the other sports the logo.
Credit card holders will get a monthly
message from the band, frequent-flier
miles, buyer protection plans and car
rental discounts. — — BARBARA NELLIS

INTRODUCING

LAUDER

Pleasures

FOR MEN

Сы ut ion). Tu your masculine 224

na M
KENTUCKY STRAIGHT ©
BOURBON WHISKEY

Mess d

NEW WAVE RADIOS

Next time you bail on your ski buddies

to grab a burger and beer at the lodge,

you can plan where to hook up later us-
ing the Family Radio Service. This re-
classified band of radio frequencies, set
aside by the FCC exclusively for families
and outdoor recreational use, offers

clear, FM-quality voicecasting over a
one- to two-mile range. To use the ser-

vice, you'll need to invest in a pair of
FRS two-way radios. Motorola's sporty

Talk About ($149 each) has tough,
weatherproof construction, making it
the perfect choice for skiers, hikers,
mountain bikers and other active types.
Cobra's FRS-200 ($160) looks enough
like a cell phone to fool people, but

there's no fee to call home from, say, the
neighborhood video store or carryout

joint. Radio Shack offers a variety of

models (starting around $100), and Mo-
torola's top-of-the-line Talk About Plus
($179, pictured in On the Scene on page
179) combines the standard 14 channels
with an additional 32 "interference elim-
inator” subchannels for fine-tuning.

VA57 hides amps and a sur-
round decoder inside twin
tower speakers. Priced at
$1000, the slick-looking set-
up also includes two wireless
(infrared) rear speakers. JBL
offers a similar home theater
audio system called the
esc300 ($1100), with a Dolby
Pro Logic processor and am-
plifier built into the sub-
woofer. And if you're starting.
from scratch without a lot of
it, consider a bookshelf-style
home theater audio setup.
Variations by Aiwa, Denon, Harman
Kardon, Onkyo, Pioneer, Sansui and
Sharp are available for $400 and up.

SCAN ARTISTS

Although the paperless office may still be
a uee-hugger's fantasy, a computer scan-
ner is a great tool for preserving pulp.
One of the most affordable models is Vi-
sioneer's Paperport Strobe. This speedy
sheet-fed scanner (priced at $300 for
PCs and $330 for Macs) allows you to im-
port color photographs, magazine pages
or anything else that can fit on a piece of
paper into e-mail and other computer
documents. The software that makes this

melding of mediums possible, Vision-
eer's Paperport Deluxe 5.0 ($100), is
sold with Hewlett Packard's Laser Jet
Companion ($250). When connected to
HP's printer, this color scanner doubles
as a copy machine. Imaging for Win-
dows from Eastman Software ($80) tops
Paperport Deluxe with one feature: It
sends documents where you want them.
Scan in a résumé that has the word ré-
sumé on it and the software can forward
itonline to any human resources depart-
ment. Business card scanners have also
come of age. The Card Scan Plus 300 is a
palm-sized device that can decipher the
info on a business card and then plug it
into an organizer file on your PC.

WILD THINGS

At first we passed off the Megahertz Allpoints Wireless PC Cord
($500, pictured here) os just onother expensive toy for sending
e-mail ond foxes from the rood. But now you con use the
PCMCIA modem to surf the Web. Wynd Communications,

one of the Allpoints' e-mail service providers, offers an op-
lion called Web Valet, which allows you to review the text
contents of any page on the World Wide Web. Service
plans range from $30 to $150 per month. Yes, that
sounds steep. But because the wireless service operates
via a nationwide network, there are no extra long-dis-
tance phone charges. € If you own one of those
jazzy new Advanced Photo System cameras—the
ones that let you shoot standard, wide-angle ond
Panoramic pictures and promise perfect prints

32 tion, Sony's Maximum Television SA-

NO-BRAINER SURROUND

It's tough enough to get the sales clerks
at appliance stores to direct you to the
AA batteries, much less offer advice on
home theater audio gear. Fortunately,
electronics manufacturers are making it
easier on you with all-inclusive setups
that sound great and are simple to as-
semble. One of the best is Bose’s Acousti-
mass 10, a $1300 sound package that in-
cludes a complete set of front and
surround speakers and a subwoofer
with specially prepped cables for

fast hookup. We also like Cerwin-Ve-

ga's six-speaker Home Theater 100
($1100). For a more streamlined solu-

every time—you can now download an entire
roll of 25-exposure film into your PC in less
than a minute with Fujifilm's AS-1 Film-
scan-it. Priced ot $600, Filmscan-it comes
with Adobe Photo Deluxe (a software
program that allows you to
retouch, correct color or
manipulote images
prior to printing).

«VW hat the

have you been smoking?"

Yours have additives:

— ی‎ bac iil AM MEO

AND THEN SOME

*Laboratory analyses of the top ten U.S. non-menthol brand styles show all
of their tobaccos contain a minimum of 6% additives on a dry weight basis.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking

Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 16 mg. "tar", 1.1 mg. nicotine
av. per cigarette by FTC method.

New Winstons dont.

No additives
True taste

Nee

FILTERS

MULTIMEDIA
REVIEWS & NEWS

When asked to name their primary use
of the Internet, some undergrads we
know said “research.” Yeah. And they at-
tend frat parties to study human behav-
ior. The Net can be a valuable tool for
school projects, but even surfers with the
best intentions admit it’s also a great way
to kill time. So here's a list of Web sites
geared toward the college frame of
mind. There’s music, entertainment, to-
tal nonsense and even a couple of useful
URLs, just in case a professor is nearby.

FOR COLLEGIANS ONLY
Student Net (www.student.net): Articles,
personals and newsgroups specifically

CYBER SCOOP

Keeping up with the latest techno
‘and corparate lingo is no longer
a chore, thanks to Jargon Watch.
This pocket dictionary by Hard
Wired includes hundreds af defi-
nitions for the digital age. If your
co-worker soys he's been “Dil-
berted,” for example, then he’s
“been exploited, oppressed and
screwed over by his boss”—just
like the working-stiff comic strip
choracter. Price: $9.

Screcm fons should pick up а

copy of Principles of Fear, the first

112 CD-ROM from horror film master

— Wes Craven. W's due out this
month from Cyberdreoms.

for college students. We especially like
the Reject-o-matic, which creates and
sends fake rejection e-mail to those brag-
gart classmates who've received dozens
of job offers. Loci (www.loci.com): More
of the above, plus à shopping center that
sells university clothing, dorm decor and
magazine subscriptions. Finaid (www.
finaid.com), College

Boerd Online (www.col
legeboard.org/in
dex. html) and Fast-
web (www.fastweb.

com): Cash-poor
collegians can use
these sites to track
down loans and

scholarship money,

FOR THE

FUN OF IT
Soapdish: All My Episodes
(www.tvguide.com): If you can't plan
your classes around All My Kids, tune in
to this site for the best daytime-soap syn-
opses. The Oracle of Bacon at Virginia (www.
cs.virginia.edu/—bct7 m/bacon.huml):

36 You've heard of the Six Degrees of Kevin

Tunes from the underground

Bacon game. This is where it all started.
FBI Home Page (www.f bi.gov): It’s worth a
stop, if only to make sure your new
roommate isn’t on the feds’ most-wanted
list. Driveways of the Rich & Famous (www.
driveways.com): The public access TV
show of the same name is a cult favorite,
and now it's online, with pictures of
celebrity driveways and hilarious com-
mentary from neighbors, deliverymen,
postal workers and other insignificants.
Charged (www.charged.com): The sports
site for those who get off on extreme lei-
sure—surfing, snowboarding, mountain
biking, etc.

GOOD READS
Bust (www.bust.com): Browse this
online version of the hip, chic
zine for the grrls’ perspective on
life. Feed (www.feedmag.com): In
this self-described "journal of
thought and wisdom," top-notch writers
comment on everything from slacker
backlash to high-definition TV. Stim
(www.stim.com): This funky e-zine is
written for the college crowd. (A special
collegiate money issue, for example, fca-
tured an article on how to fund an ex-
tended summer vacation and another on
creative ways to spend student loans.)

TUNELAND
Internet Underground Music Archive (www
ma.com): Enter this "pad for hi-fi living
to access the best coverage on the Net of
indie and unsigned bands—complete
with sound files and a Band of the Week
game show. (You vote for a different
group each week. The 52 winners vie for
Band of the Year and a chance to press a
CD.) cms (www.cmj.com): The СМ] New
Music Report online is as thorough as its
paper counterpart. Too bad there's no
tree sample CD. Wilma: The Internet Guide
to Live Music (www.wilma.com) and Pollstar
(www.pollstar.com): Two great guides to
nationwide concert tours. Stadiums and
Arenas (www.wwed.com/stadiums-huml):
Point your browser here to avoid getting
stiffed for nosebleed
seats by a ticket bro-
ker. Bargain Finder
Agent (bf.cstar.ac.
com/bf): Use this
search tool to scan
online music
stores for the best
deals on cassettes

and CDs.

THE REAL WORLD

Career Poth (www.ca
reerpath.com): Find a job
through this roundup of classifieds from
major newspapers nationwide, includ-
ing The New York Times, Los Angeles Times,
Washington Post and Chicago Tribune. The
‚Monster Board (www.monster.com), Career
Site (www.carcersite.com) and Career

Builder (www.careerbuilder.com): Fill out
their surveys (with the carcer you're in-
terested in, salary levels, cities in which
you'd like to live), and these search sites
hunt for job matches instandy—even
when you're offline. (Prospects are sent
to special e-mail boxes, which you can ac-
cess at each site.) The STD Home Page
(med-www.bu.edu/people/sycamore/
std/std.htm): Not to bum you out, but

sexually transmit-

The little gray
book of geekspeak

ted diseases happen. This page gives you
the info you need to avoid them, or to
seek treatment. Virtual Relocation (www.vir
tualrelocation.com): A great resource for
grads who plan to blanket the States with
résumés. Calculators at this site, for ex-
ample, figure what you'd need to make
in various cities to achieve a certain stan-
dard of living (e.g., that $28,000 offer in
Chicago would have to be $41,000 to
provide an equally lush life in New York
City). Map Quest (www.mapquest.com)
and the Speedtrap Registry (www.speed
trap.com/speedtrap): Whether you're
road-tripping for the weekend or head-
ing cross-country to begin your future,
you can start planning the drive at these
two Web stops. The former vill print you
a map and directions to your destina-
n. The latter offers info on avoiding
tickets, plus speed traps.

DIGITAL DUDS

Nihilist: This futuristic combat
shooter gives a whole new
meaning to the term 3-D—dull,
dim-witted and derivative.

Encyclopaedia Britannica CD ‘97:
The entire text of the famed ref-
erence library has been crammed
onto a poorly designed CD-ROM
that uses on old Netscope Navi-
gator Web browser as i
foce. This may be the first digital
encyclopedia that will require c
door-to-door soles force.

See what's happening on Playboy's
Home Page at http://www.playboy.com.

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THE REAL ROGUE WARRIORS

Are you tired of fiction? Check out real action heroes the Navy
Seals. Writers Richard Marcinko and John Weisman were the
first to call them Rogue Warriors and
make a buck off their exploits. But Roy
Boehm was their muse. In Boehm's
memoir, First Seal (Pocket), with
Charles Sasser, he tells his story in the
kick-ass style that made him a Navy
legend. Afier the 1941 attack on Pearl
Harbor, he dove for corpses trapped
aboard the sunken USS Arizona.
Then he fought in the Pacific, Cuba
and Vietnam. In 1961 he was asked
to select the first team of Seals and
train them in his own image. The
Seal myth grew in Vietnam, and
their encounters vith the enemy are graphi-

cally described by Barry Encch with Gregory Walker in Team-
metes: Seals ot War (Pocket). Good to Go (Morrow), by Harry
Constance and Randall Fuerst, describes the special-ops ad-
ventures of Seal Team Two in Vietnam. But it's the story of
those who volunteered for the secret force code-named Stud-
ies and Observations Group—told for the first time іп 506:
The Secret Wars of America’s Commandos in Vietnam (Simon &
Schuster), by John Plaster—that is the kicker no Sylvester Stal-
lone movie can rival. —DICBY DIEHL

MAGNIFICENT
[IAS ITS) NL

Cruising the bocths at Book Expo America this year, we no-
ticed thot comics have moved beyond the Sundoy paper and
onto best-seller lists (think Dilbert]. New collections celebrat-
ing the genre include Tijuana Bibles: Art and Wit in America’s
Forbidden Funnies, 1930s-1950s (Simon & Schuster), by Bob
Adelman, in which Moe West and Popeye's pol Wimpy get it
on. R. Crumb is bock with
о new edition of Carload
о“ Comics (Kitchen Sink
Press/Belier Press], a se-
lection of strips from.
1968 to 1976. Grophic
novels such as those in
Neil Gaiman's Sandman
series (Vertigo) and King-
dom Come (DC Comics),
by Mork Woid and Alex
Ross with Todd Klein, fea-
turing an imoginolive su-
perhero Armageddon,
are ovcilable at comic-
book stores. The X-Files
Collection (Topps), by Ste-
fon Petrucha ond Chorles
Adlord, is even more
bizarre than the television
show. The future may belong to Art (Maus) Spiegelmon's
successors: Both Fax From Sarajevo (Dark Horse], by Joe Ku-
bert, ond A Jew in Communist Prague (Nantier Beall Minoust-
chine), by Vittorio Giardino, ore riding the recent wove of
socially conscious comics. DIGBY DIEHL

E
Check out the Black Flag
ger Finder. A library off Rough Guides is available at
www.hotwired.com/rough. You can obtain directions to
any destination at www.mapquest.com. But the best
full-service travel site on the Internet is www.travelo
city.com. Remember: Boot up before you pack up.

PARKER’S NEW GUMSHOE

Spenser and Hawk have company. The first book in a new de-
tective series by Robert B. Parker, Night Passage (Putnam), in-
troduces Police Chief Jesse Stone, a former LAPD homicide
detective who escaped the rat race for a small town in Massa-
chusctts. The pace is slower,
but Parker proves he can still
write airtight plots with patch-
ез of realistic, perfectly pitched
dialogue. New cases appear
for familiar gumshoes: Edna
Buchanan's Margin of Error (Hy-
perion) sticks with her alter
ego, Miami crime reporter
Britt Montero. In this fifth out-
ing, Montero protects a movie
star from a dangerous and
clever stalker and finds herself
romantically involved with
him—against her better judg-
ment. Country singer turned fictional private
eye Kinky Friedman meanders through his
latest investigation with a bottle of Jameson
in hand. In Road Kill (Simon & Schuster),
the Kinkster, with his usual carefree
panache, travels to Texas to help out old
pal Willie Nelson. —DIGBY DIEHL

SEX IN THE
12TH CENTURY:
Hoving mined contem-
porary sex for oll its joy,
Dr. Alex Comfort has now
turned to the Middle
Ages. The Illustrated Koka
Shostra: Medieval Indian
Writings on Love Based on
the Kama Sutra (Simon &
Schuster), translated by
Dr. Comfort, explores all
motters sexual, from set-
ting the mood to explicit
technique. Accompanied
by 120 sensual images,
this manual for lovers is
hotter thon curry.
—HELEN FRANGOULIS.

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HEALTH & FITNESS

JUST THE FLAX, MA'AM

You've most likely heard about the healing powers of omega-
3 fatty acids. They reduce inflammation for everything from
sports injuries to arthritis, help prevent cancer, protect cells
and tissues from.
degeneration
and rejuvenate
your bodily or-
gans. For several
years fish-oil
capsules were
considered the
best source for
omega-3. Now
there's a better.
way, according
to Dr. Andrew
Weil in Eight
Weeks to Optimum
Healih. Eat at least one cold-water fish course per week —
salmon, sardines or mackerel. And eat flax or hemp. In oil
form, they both are rich in omega-3. Even better, buy the
seeds in bulk at a health food store and grind them in a
blender or coffee grinder. Sprinkle generously on salads or
cereal, or add them to casseroles, breads and cookies. Figure
a daily dose of two tablespoons. In the oil form, one table-
spoon is plenty.

AVOIDING INJURY

It's the season for fall sports—and injuries. Being in shape
helps lower risk—and so does tailoring your conditioning to a
specific sport. For basketball, with its quick cutting and shift-
ing, you should exercise in powerful bursts. For football and
soccer, train for agility and balance. “Try walking ona balance
beam, playing hopscotch or leaping over the cracks in the
sidewalk," advises Nancy Costello, a Chicago physical thera-
pist. "Balance on one foot and throw a medicine ball. Walk on
planks in a parking lot." What goes into your body can also
lessen the risk of injury. Drink fluids every 20 to 30 minutes,
even if you're not thirsty. "For events over two hours try a

sports bar, gel or drink

to replenish carbo-
hydrates," says Dr.
Mitchell Goldflies, a
Chicago sports doctor.
You can add support to
your knees or ankles
with a variety of ready-
made braces or with
do-it-yourself taping.
Contrary to popular
belief, bracing and tap-

ing rarely impede per-
formance, according to a recent study in The American Jour-
nal of Sports Medicine. Finally, funky high-tops not only look
cool but can also provide excellent ankle support. And, oh
yes—don't forget to stretch.

HOME HIV TESTS

If you're asking yourself the question then you probably know
the answer: Get an HIV test. The good news, according to the
FDA, is that the new home tests provide confidential and reli-
able results. For about $35 you can buy the HIV-1 Home Ac-
cess kit in pharmacies, or by mail. (Call 800-Hiv-tesT or check

40 wwwhomeaccess.com.) After pricking your finger with an en-

closed lancet, you put several blood marks on blotter paper
and mail the paper to the company. Its labs retest positive re-
sults several times. Each kit comes with an identification num-
ber, which callers use to obtain results over the phone within
ten days (three-day express service costs extra). Users with
positive results are offered anonymous counseling—the test
requires no names, no addresses, no insurance cards, no pic-
tures. That's why we like it. Oral HIV tests, which use saliva,
not blood, were approved by the FDA in May 1996. Look for
them to be available in clinics.

SICK AND THIN

Anorexia and bulimia are no
longer strictly for girls. The
number of malc victims is
growing fast, and the medical
Community suspects far more
are unwilling to seek help be-
cause of the stigma attached to
these maladies. According to
the Harvard Eating Disorders
Center, five percent to ten per-
cent of anorexics and bulimics
are men—as are 30 percent to
40 percent of those with a binge-
eating syndrome. Sixty-one per-
cent of the men in a study by Dr.
Devra Braun suffered from seri-
ous depression or other mood
disorders, believing their best was
never good enough. This was particularly truc for fitness
buffs—or actors, models, certain athletes—whose disorders
featured excessive exercise as well as fasting and purging. The
good news is that treatment for eating disorders has proved
successful. For free information and nationwide support
groups, contact the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa
and Associated Disorders, Box 7, Highland Park, IL 60035
(847-831-3438).

Men beware: Bone appétit.

DR. PLAYBOY

О: I hear there's a safe steroid on the market. True?

А: You're most likely talking about pregnenolone. This
is a natural steroid hormone—like testosterone and
DHEA—thar decreases as the body ages. Steroid hor-
mones are vital for regulating mood,

mental functioning and virility, so

it's no wonder there's a huge de-

mand for over-the-counter supple-

ments. The bad news about preg-

nenolone is that few clinical studies have

established its safety or efficacy. The good

news is that if you're going to take any

steroidal supplement, this is the one to

take. Pregnenolone converts into other sex

hormones and is relatively benign. Users say

it takes several weeks for you to feel the ben-

efits (a general feeling of well-being, in-

creased energy), and pregnenolone may not

cause excessive hair growth or acne as DHEA

can. Remember, though: We think hormone
replacement should be used only by men

over the age of 40, and only after they have

consulted a physician.

MEN

t is the year 2007, and a top secret

meeting is going on at the White
House. "What do you have for us?" Pres-
ident John Celibate asks Admiral Jane
Innocence, chairperson of the Joint
Chicfs of Staff.

"It is not good news, Mr. President,"
Admiral Innocence reports. "One hour
ago, India and Pakistan exchanged nu-
dear warheads. Delhi and Karachi have
been obliterated.

"Anything else?" President Celibate
asks while stifling a yawn.

“Forty-five minutes ago, Israel was at-
tacked by Scud missiles carrying deadly
concentrations of VX nerve gas. The
damage is extensive. And 30 minutes
ago, China took out the island of Oahu,
including the city of Honolulu, with nu-
dear-armed cruise missiles launched
from one of its newest submarines.”

“Do you know aloha means hello and
goodbye?" President Celibate says, smil-
ing. “I learned that yesterday.”

Admiral Innocence clears her throat
“Fifteen minutes ago, Germany moved
huge numbers of its troops into Poland,
the Czech Republic and Austria. Russia
is responding as we speak with chemical,
biological and nuclear attacks on all our
NATO allies. The alliance is in tatters.”

“Finally, we get to do things our own
way,” the president says.

“Mr. President,” interjects Ned Truth,
director of the FBI, “domestic terrorism
continues at a high rate. Last night some
powerful bombs exploded in downtown
shopping districts in Chicago, New York
and Los Angeles.”

“Speaking of terrorism,” says Regina
Sweetness, director of the CIA, “we lost
track of ten tons of plutonium that were
being shipped to the U.S. from the Black
Sea area, and the Burrito Gang, known
to be hoarding 16 hydrogen bombs and
an Aurora II aircraft-delivery system, is
on the loose again somewhere in Latin
America.”

There is silence in the room as the
news is considered, Then President Celi-
bate speaks up: “Is that it? Don't we have
any problems besides this boring stuff?”

Army General Jack Purity raises his
hand. “I thought you would never ask,”
he says. "First of all, God bless you, Mr.
President.”

“And God bless you, General.”

“Mr. President, 1 am handing you files
on the Army's top leadership—exclud-
ing myself—with the suggestion that

By ASA BABER

A FEW
GOOD LEADERS

these people be relieved of command
immediately.”

“For what cause, General Purity?”

“Sir, all of these men and women,
though good warriors, have committed
some kind of sexual indiscretion,”

“Consider it done, Jack,” says Presi-
dent Celibate. “We can't have bad people
leading us.” He pauses. “Well, we'll have
to rely on the Navy. What is your rcadi-
ness status, Admiral Innocence?

"The admiral blushes. "Mr. President,
the Navy is pregnant."

“What?” the President exclaims.

“The Navy is unavailable.”

President Celibate turns to Air Force
General Michael Chastity. “What about
you and your troops, Mike?”

“Mr. President,” General Chastity says
with sincerity, “before I answer that, I
have just been handed the news that Is-
tanbul, Turkey has been destroyed by a
space-based weapons system.”

“I understand,” says the president,
“but what is the Air Force's moral status,
General Chastity?”

“I guess you don't remember, sir. Ex-
ecutive Order 6969. Otherwise known as
the ‘Flyboys Can't Be Pie Boys and Ну-
chicks Can't Be Quick-Fixed' decision."

“Т signed that document," the presi-
dent says. "Executive Order 6969 says
that any personnel who stray sexually
are to be grounded until further notice."

“Yes, sir,” General Chastity says, "but
there was also Subparagraph Four of
that order, which wiped us ош.”

“The 'No-Peter-Beater' clause? The
"No-Clit-Iwit priority?" President Cel-
ibate asks. "That section grounded ev-
erybody in the Air Force

“The ‘No Masturbati
Nation’ proviso? Yes, si

President Celibate glowers in frus-
tration. "All right, where is the com-
mandant of the Marine Corps? General
Kindness will take care of our problems
immediately, if not sooner."

"Sir, there are no more Marines,"
Reginald Integrity, the National Security
Advisor, discloses. "We had to disband
them."

“The leathernecks? Disbanded?”

"Yes, sir. Remember the Schroeder-
Steinem-MacKinnon Report? It said all
Marines are bad people, by definition.
The USMC was classified as our horniest
military service, bar none. So you said it.
had to go.”

President Celibate stares out the win-
dow at the Rose Garden for a moment.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he says, “we
need a highly moral military leadership.
So let me show you my role model for
the ideal commander."

There is a gasp in the room as the
president holds up a large photograph
of a well-known historical figure. “This
man was as pure as the driven snow in all
the ways that matter," the president says.
"He was a vegetarian. He was basically
nonsexual. And this is the key: He was to-
tally faithful to his wife during their mar-
riage. This man should be our symbol of
moral military command."

Reginald Integrity frowns. "Mr. Presi-
dent, that man didn't marry his mistress
until World War Two was ending. The
wedding was held in an underground
bunker in Berlin. The next day, he and
his bride committed suicide before the
Russians could get to them. He never
even had time to cheat on his wife."

"Well, Reggie, you may have me on
a technicality, but you'll have to admit.
that for whatever reason, this guy never
committed adultery," President Celibate
says, smiling. "And when it comes to the
highest standards of military leadership,
that is the only thing that counts."

the Military

BUMPY TONIC
Pour Seagram's

Brill этен O

Add music, preferably LOUD.

х5, <

THE OF ig.
SMOOTH сум IN UG Emm Ns
OTTLE.

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

М, husband and I enjoy reading erot-
ic stories together in bed. The women in
these tales always seem to have wet
panties the moment a man walks into the
room. When my husband and I make
love, it usually takes at least ten to 15
minutes of touching before I'm wet
enough for intercourse. Is this nor-
mal?—R.T, Buffalo, New York
Not every woman produces the same
amount of vaginal lubrication, just like not
every woman is the same height or has the
same eye color. The amount may decrease as
you get older. Other factors include stress, fa-
ligue, illness and some prescription drugs.
solution is simple but often overlooked:
artificial lubricants, and plenty of them.
Even if you're naturally slippery, “lubes can
be the missing ingredient for great sex,” says
Michael Castleman, author of “The Slippery
Secret of Sensational Sex," a booklet he
wrote for the Xandria Collection. “Most lu-
bricants have a texture that's more slippery
than saliva. That makes sensual touch feel
even more erotic.” To order the booklet,
which comes with a sample pack of lubes,
phone 800-242-2823. A word of caution:
Never use petroleum-based producis such as
Vaseline, hand cream or baby oil with con-
doms or inside the vagina.

Em sure you've answered this question
many times, but what exactly do women
want from men? I haven't had a girl-
friend for quite a while, and I'm starting
to feel desperate. I've read several books
about dating and tried to take the rec-
ommendations to heart. They always
suggest that you "be yourself," "listen"
and "be polite." One book even said,
“Don't smell bad,” as if I needed to be
told women aren't attracted to guys who
smell bad. Does the Advisor have any
tips? I'm sure you're doing well sur-
rounded by all those Playmates.—PR.,
Tacoma, Washington
We get by. If you were to read all the aw-
ful books about dating that cross our desk,
‘you'd think there was a science 10 it—hordes
of researchers in lab coats asking women,
“Do you like a man who listens to you?" “Do
you like a man who is sincere?” “Do you like
а man who exists solely to pleasure and serve
you?" Those are no-brainers. We get a
steady stream of letters from guys asking how
to find and date women, as if they were look-
ing for pets. You don't find women—they
find you. For his book “Sexpectations” (800-
203-4028), Ron Louis interviewed women
about their sexual and dating experiences.
One bit of advice they offered that rang true
was the idea that men shouldn't act desper-
ate. Louis asked sexual wonder Annie Sprin-
kle for her thoughts on the topic, and she was
right on target, as usual: “The worst taboo is
to be needy. When you are approaching
someone you don't know, don't project your

sexual energy and desires out there, but keep
moving that energy, Circulate it within your
own body and use it to charge yourself, Ful-
fill your own needs. That way, whatever a
woman wants to give you is enough.” You
don't build confidence in yourself by asking
women out and working through the rejec-
tion. You build confidence by doing your oun
thing. Louis suggests that you “do the things
you would normally do if you weren't trying
to meet women. Go to any place that truly in-
toresis you, and women with similar interests
will follow.”

Every part of my stereo system has
been upgraded except the speaker ca-
They're the thin white wires that
came with my original components. The
system sounds fine to me, but I wonder
if I should get new cables since every-
thing else has been replaced. If so, what
should I look for?—S.D., Providence,
Rhode Island

Don't underestimate the power of your ca-
bles to enhance the sound of your system. You
can do much better than stranded-wire free-
bies. Shop carefully and don't buy cables
without hearing them on your system (rep-
utable shops will provide loaners). Art Dud-
ley of “Listener” magazine recommends Litz
or solid-core cables. In Litz cables, each wire
strand is individually insulated. The idea is
that the cable provides better sound by reduc-
ing cross talk between the strands, Solid-core
cables include a single, heavier-gauge wire.
The brand names to look for include Kimber,
Nordost and Audioquest. Expect to pay $3 to
$10 a foot.

Wl, girlfriend likes wax. We have
found that some candles burn hotter
than others. Do you know of any candles

ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI

that burn cooler? I've asked at a few
shops around town, but no luck.—C.P.,
New York, New York

Been to church lately? The inexpensive,
unscented candles you often sce there are
your best bet for sex play. They're sold at
craft stores. Avoid beeswax candles, which
burn at higher temperatures. When you use
a candle with your girlfriend, hold it high
enough to allow the wax to cool slightly be-
Jore it makes contact with her skin, and ro-
tate it to prevent large drops of wax from
forming. Never let the wax pool in one area
on her body, which can cause burns. Most
important, you should test the wax on your-

self first.

Hm having a dinner party for eight
friends. How much е should I
buy?—].J., New Orleans, Louisiana

You should always have enough wine on
hand, rather than buying on the fly before
each party, so stock up. If you love wine as
we do, you can never have enough vintages
or bottles for your own enjoyment. You cheat
yourself by not buying the best wines when
they're ready for you, rather than when
you're ready for them. People drink less these
days, and of your eight guests, two may not
partake, so open two reds and a white and go
from there. Ав you know, the traditional sor
vice is champagne with hors d'oeuvres, dry
white with fish, Bordeaux with the main
course, burgundy with the cheese and port or
cognac with dessert.

Why is it that when women want to
end a relationship, they say they want to
be friends when they actually want noth-
ing to do with you? In most situations, I
would like to be friends.—S.Y., Boulder,
Colorado

They're being polite. It's difficult to main-
tain a friendship after a serious relationship,
largely because most people don't have the
energy for the charade. What usually hap-
pens is that the dumper feels guilty. It’s not
that she dislikes you. If you win the lottery,
she'll be happy for you. If you become a huge
success, she'll boast about how she dated you
(or trash you to Jerry Springer). Meanwhile,
the dumpee is thinking, This is just a phase
before we get back together, That’s why most
post-breakup friendships are shams. They
are also extremely annoying to the friends
you haven't slept with. The Advisor hereby
‘calls for a worldwide ban on any couple say-
ing they are going to be friends after a rela-
tionship dissolves. Get it over with, already.
You may be friends someday, afler you both
find new lovers. But not now.

AA buddy of mine was telling me about a
theory that says if you strengthen your
left arm and left leg, your right arm
and right leg will grow equally strong.

PLAYBOY

Sounds like bunk to me, but maybe I'm
working with only one side of my
brain.—B.N., Venice, California

You're talking about the concept of bilater-
al transfer, also known as cross-educalion.
Studies have shown that when you train one
side of your body, there can be inprovements
in the other side as well. But these changes
are minor at best. Still, some research sug-
gests that exercising one side of the body one
day and the other side the next can lead to
quicker strength gams (and allow you to hit
the gym daily). It also can be helpful for ath-
letes who continue light training after injur-
ing an arm or a leg. As a regular rouline,
however, it ignores muscles that bridge the
two sides and does nothing to develop bal-
ance or coordination. Generally, total-body
conditioning with 48 hours’ rest between ses-
sions is the most efficient way to go.

Ё am in a serious relationship with a
woman I care for deeply. She tells me
I'm the best lover she has ever had. She
also brags about me to all of her friends.
Yet when we go out for drinks or with
friends, she flirts with other men and
sometimes even with women. How can I
deal with this without looking like a jeal-
ous boyfriend?—J.L., Victoria, British
Columbia

You're not a jealous boyfriend; you're a
guy who needs to have more confidence in his
ability to hold a woman's attention. Relax. If
your girlfriend says you're the one, why
doubt her? You don't gue examples of what
you consider inappropriate behavior, but we
assume she's not whispering “Wanna fuck
me?” into anyone's ear. Her being friendly
and outgoing or flaunting her sex appeal in
subtle ways (a wink, a touch) that’s harm-
less fun, and an art form. Remind yourself
that at the end of the evening, this gorgeous
woman will again choose to go home with
you. The other guys (and gals) at the table
are left to imagine.

While my husband and I were win-
dow-shopping at a mall, he whispered to
me that he had an erection. He said, “Му
silk boxers are rubbing me the right
way." He put his hand in his pocket to
disguise his excitement, but | quickly
slipped my hand in his other pocket and
began rubbing his balls as we walked. I
was so aroused I didn't care if other peo-
ple noticed our antics. Thank God we
had driven the minivan so we could lie
down in the back, where I sucked him
off. Is it natural for a man to get an erec-
tion from the way his clothes rub him?—
TS., Jackson, gan

You bet. If only it were natural to have a
woman stick her hand into his pants every
time it happened.

Em onc of the few college guys I know
who enjoys going down on women, or at
least who will admit to it. Every woman
I've been with has told me I do an amaz-

44 ing job. I even got a bloody lip once be-

cause a girl bucked so hard during or-
gasm. I've found that right when a
woman seems to reach the peak of her
arousal, I always lose track of her clitoris.
It just disappears. What's going on?—
R.T, Tallahassee, Florida

Concentrate, man! Actually, the clitoris
often does appear to retreat at the height of
arousal. In its “Guide to Getting It On”
(800-310-7529), the staff of Goofy Foot
Press notes that clitoris is Latin for “darned
thing that was here just a second ago.” As a
woman becomes aroused, her clitoris swells.
As she reaches the plateau phase just before
climax, it may disappear beneath its hood of
skin. Some researchers now believe this is an
optical illusion: The clit stays put but the
labia swell, hiding it. Whichever the case, the
retreating clit is nature’s way of reminding
you to stay focused. If you lose track of her
clitoris, you have two options. Dig deeper
(get your nose in there), or gently explore her
vulva and labia until she becomes just slight-
ly less aroused. This will give the clitoris a
false sense of security, and it will peek out to
be captured by your tongue or finger. Have
you noticed how teasing someone into obliv-
ion is often the same thing as bumbling
around? Just keep it moving.

Е was complimented on my tie by a
friend, who then flipped it over to take a
coser look. He said tie quality is deter-
mined by horizontal lines enmeshed in
the fabric. Is that truer—G.B., Orlando,
Florida

That scene says more about your boorish
friend than about your tie, Did he check the
tag on your shirt, too? The bars he men-
tioned don’t indicate quality. They are used
by manufacturers to denote the weight of the
lining. You can't grade neckwear while it's
around your neck. Instead, suspend the tie
by the narrow blade—it shouldn’t twist
Stretch it slightly to see if it maintains its
shape. The finest ties come in three sections
instead of two, with both ends of the loop on
the larger blade held securely under the cen-
ter seam. The most important ways to judge
a tie are the fit and feel. If it looks good on
you, it’s а good tie.

One night my girlfriend and I were
making out. After a long kiss I brushed
her lips with my finger. She opened her
mouth and started to suck onit. This was
a huge turn-on. I asked a female friend
about this and she said all the guys she
has dated have had the same reaction.
Why does that feel so good?—H.
Madison, Wisconsin

You know how the American flag makes
you think of America? Your fingers (and
toes) have an abundance of nerve endings,
but that's not the half of it.

Last year my husband of two years per-
suaded me to confess my most intimate
desire. I told him I fantasized about how
another man would feel inside me. A few
weeks later when we were making love,

he pulled his cock out and gave me a
passionate kiss. He eased me over onto
my back and I sensed another person
kneeling between my legs. My husband
held my head firmly between his hands
and continued our kiss while an unfa-
miliar penis pushed against my vagina.
Reaching down, I helped the stranger
into me. His erection was much larger
than my husband's. For a few minutes he
worked it in and out, pushing deeper in-
side me with each stroke. This continued
for a few minutes. I had the most incred-
ible orgasm of my life, then stayed on
the edge of sexual excitement, ready for
another. A moment later the stranger
ejaculated. I had another orgasm and
thrashed about in ecstasy. I had three
morc orgasms, all as intense as the first.
Now Ihave three problems: First, I have
suggested that my husband invite his
friend back. But he says “more than
once becomes a habit.” Why has he
turned cold to the idea? Second, I have
considered calling the friend for a pri-
vate performance. I have no feelings for
him; he’s a dork. But I can't get over
how good he felt inside me. Third, I'm
pregnant. My husband and I have never
used birth control; we decided to let na-
ture take its course. Is there any way of
learning who the father is before the ba-
by is born?—R.T,, Des Moines, lowa

Have a minute? Let's reorder your priori-
ties. First, you can find out who fathered the
baby, but not without risk to the fetus and not
without DNA samples. Once the baby is
born, it's easier. We'll classify that as prob-
lem La (deferred). Second, your husband is
insecure about repeating your fantasy be-
cause he feels threatened by his friend's
prowess (and rightfully so). Perhaps he
would consider a different friend, or you
could add an extra-large dildo to your sex-
toy collection. If you manage a repeat perfor-
mance, insist that the guy wear а condom. It
won't make his penis any smaller. Finally,
calling this guy for sex wouldn't be wise.
It turns a sexual fantasy you shared with
your husband into а sexual lie you share
with a dork.

АП reasonable questions—from fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat-
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—uwill be
personally answered if the writer includes a
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre-
sented in these pages each month. Write the
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad-
visor@playboy.com (because of volume, we
cannot respond to all e-mail inquiries). Look
for responses to our most frequently asked.
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THE PLAYBOY FORUM

Imajored in political science in col-
lege and minored, you might say, in a
few select gentlemen of the faculty.
These academic pursuits weren't
about grade-digging, nor was I
trolling for a Mrs. degree. But bed-
ding a limited number of upstanding
scholars turned out to be one of the
ace moves of my early educational ca-
reer. Certainly it was a more enlight-
ening extracurricular activity than,
say, the science fiction film series or
the volleyball league.

There was the one I'll call Orlando,
a European ar-
tiste with more
than his share of
endearing
quirks. He used
to leave the door
of his beach ate-
lier unlocked. so
that I'd happen
upon him in the
midst of whatev-
er—cooking or
ranting on the
phone in a lan-
guage I didn't
understand—
usually buck
naked. I thought
it lent a certain
Continental flair
to our assigna-
tions. It felt like
the height of
bohemian chic,
watching a
handsome gour-
mand with fun-
ny vowels, an
uncircumcised
penis and an im-
ported cigarette
putter in his
kitchen.

Lounging in
his rumpled bed postromp, we'd talk
about Mitterrand, Malraux or Mao.
Eventually, he'd nod off and I'd slip
out from beneath the sheets, pull on
my cutoffs and head home to crack
the books. I never left, though, with-
out a door prize—a volume of essays
by Antonio Gramsci, a Milan Kun-
dera novel, a dog-eared issue of For-

By Jan Breslauer

eign Affairs. Even back then, I was
smitten with guys I could learn
from—something about the combina-
tion of pedagogy and, um, priapic
studies. Orlando, bless his classically
educated buns, more than fit the bill.
He wasn't just another lover; he was
my intellectual mentor.

Don't think, though, that what
you're going to read about next is a
call to the sexual harassment hotline.
Nothing could have been further
from my mind. I bring up Orlando in
order to set the record straight on a

few matters. First, I was the one who
hit on him, not vice versa. Second, I
knew full well what I was doing (col-
lege-age women generally do). And
third, it was a positive experience. I
learned a lot from Orlando, about
matters ranging from Marxist aes-
thetics to the pleasures of a smart.
man's company. Veni, vidi, vici.

STUDENT AFFAIRS

who says sex isn't educational?

Now, I know my experience isn't
universal, but neither is it singular.
It's time to reconsider the professor-
student affair. Certainly, some liaisons
are exploitative. But many are not.
And banning them all—as a nation-
wide movement has been trying to
do—is the worst idea since those
dead white males were bounced off
the syllabus. It's based in thinking
that calls itself feminist even as 1t
serves to infantilize women: the it's-
for-your-own-good-honey school.
Thanks, Mom, but no thanks.

Those who
oppose the pro-
hibition of pro-
fessor-student
affairs have their
work cut out for
them. The de-
monization of
these relation-
ships is our cul-
ture at its puri-
tan worst. And
underlying that
is a sexism that's
still as American
as cutting class
to go to the
beach.

The debate
hinges on the
question of con-
sent. Those who
want to ban
prof-student
flings say they're
out to protect
the female stu-
dents' interests.
Those who op-
pose such regu-
lations think
that a college-
age woman is
perfectly capa-
ble of choosing her sexual partners.
They also recognize that the profs,
male or female, often aren't the initia-
tors. Looming large is the stereotype
of the predatory older man who pres-
sures the young damsel into the sack,
leaving her scarred for life. But it's
mainly a myth, and a dangerous one
at that.

"The current hysteria started in the
early Nineties with a rising tide of iden-
tity politics, political correctness and
victim culture. Censorship movements
in academe, such as the rash of speech
codes, were brought to national апеп-
tion. At its worst, sexual correctness has
attempted to regulate not only privatc
relationships but the discussion of
them as well.

Prompted in part by the 1991 Clar-
ence Thomas confirmation hearings,
campus administrations began falling
over themselves to accommodate stu-
dents who brought charges of sexual
harassment, some of them valid but a
number trivial or unfounded. Even be-
fore the school hearing concluded, the
faculty member resigned (as in the
1995 case of University of Pennsylvania
professor Malcolm Woodfield). Most
sexual harassment cases have
been and still are handled behind
closed doors. Together, they
amount to a largely invisible
inquisition.

At times, university administra-
tors have launched preemptive
strikes against faculty-student re-
lationships even when no com-
plaint has been lodged. Univer-
sity of Pennsylvania economics
professor David Cass and gradu-
ate student Claudia Stachel had
had a public relationship for
nearly five years when one ad-
ministrator decided to hold up
Cass’ appointment as chair of the
grad economics program. Even
though Stachel would have re-
ceived her doctorate before Cass
had assumed the chair, the ad-
ministration continued to object on the
grounds that the relationship itself was
problematic (even though Stachel had
not had Cass as a professor or advisor
at any point during that time). Cass
eventually decided to accept an aca-
demic appointment in Italy.

Playwright David Mamet was quick
to make theater out of this nasty prac-
tice, His play Oleanna—which pits a
male college professor against a female
undergrad who accuses him of sexual
harassment—premiered in 1992 and
was instantly controversial. It also
brought academe into the public dis-
cussion of sexual harassment.

But neither the Hill-Thomas conflict
nor Mamet's play addressed consent-
ing affairs between two adults. That
wasn't what was meant by sexual ha-
rassment—at least not at the time. The
definition was broadened later by fem-
inist fundamentalists drawing in part
from Billie Wright Dziech's The Lecher-
ous Professor. Dziech's thesis is that

when there's a difference of power
based on position, such as that between
professor and student, "there can be
no “mutual consent." By this logic,
even the students who wind up marry-
ing their professors are involved in
nonconsensual relationships. Poor
dear things.

"The movement to ban student-facul-
ty sex hit its stride in 1993, when Uni-
versity of Virginia history professor
Ann Lane led a drive to forbid profes-
sor-undergraduate student relation-
ships on her campus. Ultimately, she
didn't get her way, but campuses across
the country adopted copycat regula-
tions. The toughest of the new rules
simply forbid liaisons; others advise
strongly against them, intimating there
will be hell to pay for those who don't
heed the warning. From Yale (which

I was smitten
vith guys I could
learn from. Orlando,

bless his classically
educated buns, more
than fit the bill.

is considering a ban on all faculty-stu-
dent sexual relationships) to the Uni-
versity of Texas at Austin (which says
professors should avoid entering into
such relationships with students in
their classes or under their supervi-
sion) to Cal State-Los Angeles (which
hasa similar ban and frowns upon such
relationships even when classes are
done), the word from on high is: Don't
go there.

REVENGE OF THENERDS

It wasn't long before somebody sum-
moned the moxic to fight back. Barry
Dank, a sociology professor at Cal
State-Long Beach, had been fighting
sexual discrimination movements for
more than 25 years. He took the cam-
paign against student-professor sex
both professionally and personally.
Dank was involved at the time in a rela-
tionship with a former student, and he
also knew many other couples who
didn't deserve the insinuations and

charges being thrown their way. "The
student-professor relationships I knew
of had nothing to do with what I was
reading about, that consensual affairs
were by definition a form of exploita-
tion," he says. "Hardly anybody was
speaking against the banning move-
ment. Male professors weren't coming
forward."

Soon he decided to throw his mortar
board into the ring. "In early 1994, a
big thing happened to me," says Dank.
“I was involved in a national confer-
ence on ethics and developed a session
with four panelists, all of whom were
women who had had relationships with
their professors, a couple of whom had
married their profs. All of them were
adamant about their ability to grant
consent. They didn't want to be pushed
back into the category of children."

In 1994 Dank took his views to
the Internet, launching a bul-
letin board about an organiza-
tion called the Conference of
Academics for Sexual Equity
(case@csulb.edu). He also has
an Academic Sexual Corrections
site (at csulb.edu—asc/asc.htm).

A mission statement on the
Web site defines CASE as "com-
mitted to the principle of consent.
regarding intimate relationships.
CASE rejects the principle advo-
cated by some academics that
academics in asymmetrically re-
lated positions be banned from
having intimate relationships.
Specifically, we regard it as ап in-
appropriate intrusion. CASE re-
jects the concept that consenting-
adult sexual relationships can fall
under the rubric of sexual harassment.
Sexual harassment cannot occur unless
there is unwanted sexual attention.”

“During the Nineties, Гуе seen
things get much worse,” Dank says.
“There's a lot of repression, sexual hys-
teria, tremendous fear and paranoia.
My goal is that in time more people will
see the abuse that is going on, and that
sexual harassment rules will have noth-
ing to do with consenting couples.”

David Pichaske, a professor of Eng-
lish at Southwest State University in
Minnesota, wrote in the February 1995
issue of The Chronicle of Higher Educa-
tion: “One of the many things about sex
that the neo-Puritans don’t understand
is that many sexual encounters are i;
tiated by female students. My own ex-
perience has been that sexual interac-
tion is more often student-initiated
than professor-initiated.

When I started this piece, I assumed
I'd have to scrounge for students (cur-
rent or former) who would talk about

their supine seminars. Hardly. Here
are a couple of my favorites:

A premed student at a prestigious
northeastern university had a fling
with a graduate student teaching assis-
tant in her sophomore year and is now
seeing a professor. "I met the prof
when was hanging out at this bar that
a lot of graduate students go to,” she
explains. "I decided to sign up for his
class. 1 didn't need it for my require-
ments, but I figured that way 1 could
get him to know me. I guess I'm not
that interested in guys my age."

A New York-based artist whose
paintings were in exhibitions in the
U.S. and Austria last year hit on a prof.
back in her student days.
“1 did fall in love with a
professor, an artist," she
recalls. “I asked to do ап
independent study with
him. His work wasn't like
mine at all, so he said,
"Why would you want to
work with me?' I sai
"Because I want to be
near you.’ I totally went
after him. It was the most
wonderful experience
I've ever had. Every week
we would get together
and have dinner, talk
about my work. He was
my teacher, so he had
more of interest to say.
It was wonderful, period.
A terrific relationship. I
don't regret it.”

In fact, for a certain
stripe of woman, going
after a prof is about as
common as taking the
GRE. “I suppose you
have heard how common
it is for young women to
chase their professors,”
says Daphne Patai, a pro-
fessor of Spanish and
Portuguese at the Uni-
versity of Massachusetts
who married her for-
mer professor. "In my ex-
perience, it's often the
very bright students who do it."

As anyone who has cruised the self-
help aisle knows, even smart women
make boneheaded choices. But they're
still choices. The New York artist, for
instance, had one professorial affair
that was as crummy as the other was
great. Yet she doesn't disclaim it, as to-
day's accusers often do. "This guy was
a jerk," she recalls. "I'm sure he was a
jerk to all the women he was with. He
treated the female faculty he was hav-
ing relationships with equally badly.

But I didn't think of my experience as
sexual harassment, nor do Í today.”

The banning squad says women
aren't capable of making judgment
calls. But the Supreme Court says
teenagers have the right to opt for an
abortion without meddling from the
government or their parents. The ban-
ners argue effectively that women who
opt for college should have an even
higher age of consent than the stan-
dard, which the states variously peg be-
tween 14 and 18 years.

Why are these crusaders so hot to
damp down on hanky-panky? “In or-
der to hold the professor to blame stu-
dents have to be represented as incom-

petent and unable to give meaningful
consent,” says Patai, co-author of the
1994 book Professing Feminism: Caution-
ary Tales From the Strange World of
Women’s Studies and of a forthcoming
volume on sexual harassment on cam-
pus. “The language of power is being
used to reinforce the notion of women
as children. It's a bizarre argument to
be coming out of feminists’ mouths.
There's such gross dishonesty about
everything having to do with sex, such
as the pretense that young adults have

no ability to think.

"I'm against attempting to regulate
relationships," she continues. “There
are principles involved, like free associ-
ation between adults. I find it astonish-
ing, in а society that professes to up-
hold certain values—democracy,
freedom of speech—to see people
throwing that freedom away. The ab-
sence of any experience with real total-
itarian regimes makes the zealots not
see the danger of regulation. In the
utopian and dystopian literatures, this
is a constant theme: the difficulty peo-
ple have coping with freedom, and
their desire to relinquish it because
that will make their lives cleaner and
neater, The truly ‘pleas-
ant’ life is found in Aldous
Huxley's Brave New World,
in which everything is
controlled.”

GOODBYE, MR. CHIPS

I didn't keep in touch
with Orlando when I
went back Fast for grad
school. My fault, not his.
But when I returned to
the West Coast in the late
Eighties, I decided to
track him down. He was
living in Los Angeles,
where I'd just landed,
and we picked up the
friendship, if not the sex,
where we'd left it a
decade or so earlier.

A few years down the
line I married a man who
seemed to be, at least at
first, quite unlike my for-
mer college flame. But
when I got the two of
them together, I realized
how wrong I was. Both
are political men—social-
ists, actually—with inter-
est and expertise in the
arts. Their appeal has
a great deal to do with
the intellectual rapport
I have with them. Orlan-
do, it seems, had been
the prototype.

That epiphany reinforced what I al-
ready knew: that those dalliances with
didacts had been an important part of
my college curriculum. Тоо bad it's not.
a class you can repeat for credit.

"The professors were the most inter-
esting men around, and therefore they
were the ones 1 was interested in," says
a friend as we reminisce about the
good old days. "Who knows? Maybe we
learned more because we were playing
with men who knew more."

PROFESSOR -
LUST.

By Ted C. Fishman

motions ran high on a Friday in
1991 at an academic conference in
Milwaukee. A distinguished pro-
fessor of English and comparative
literature at the University of Wiscon-
sin at Milwaukee declared to all that
"graduate students are my sexual pref-
erence." It was a joke.

That evening, the same professor
held court in a hotel bar. A female
graduate student who would deliver a
scholarly paper on love letters between
women joined the group. During an
evening filled with sexual banter, the
professor complimented the student
on her breasts.

Before leaving, the student gave her
professor, who was also her advisor, a
hug. Here's the professor's description
of what happened next:

“We didn’t say anything to each oth-
er, but somehow the usual goodbye
peck suddenly became a real kiss.” The
professor didn’t know who started it.
“It seemed to occur simultaneously to
both of us, as if spontaneously generat-
ed out of the moment.” Both teacher
and student were into it. “The kiss was
brazen and public—and thus particu-
larly appropriate for a conference dis-
tinguished by its intellectual and acad-
етіс daring."

A year and a half later, the student
charged the professor with sexual ha-
rassment. She described the kiss in her
official complaint: Reacting to the feel
of lips “mashed against mine, a tongue
shoved in my mouth,” she returned
the kiss. This, she said, was “more a
vindictive act than a reciprocally sexual
one. I was angry and hurt and saw kiss-
ing as a form of revenge, a way to ma-
nipulate the professor's desire, know-
ing I would never go any further.”

"The school newspaper broke the
NEWS: PROFESSOR ACCUSED OF KISSING STU-
DENTS. A second student had material-
ized, charging that the professor had
made sexual advances toward her
which included using a bare foot to
rock a chair in which she was sitting.

Both students said the professor
seemed to pressure them for sex and
graded them poorly or refused to write
letters of recommendation when they
declined, The case appeared to be one
of attempted quid pro quo—the "put

out or get out" extortion targeted by
sexual harassment law: "Sleep with me
or lose your job," or the more subtle
"Sleep with me and get a better grade."

"The law also prohibits behavior that
creates a hostile sexual environment.
Most Americans know that repeated
unwanted advances are grounds for
complaint. Was the kiss unwanted?
Such is the state of harassment hysteria
that it no longer matters. The universi-
ty's student handbook forbids such li-
cense: "Consenting amorous or sexual
relationships between instructor and
student are unacceptable.” A paralegal
working at the university opined that
kissing could be considered sexual con-
tact, and “if the students did not con-
sent, the situations might be consid-
ered fourth-degree sexual assault."

Would it surprise you to learn that
the accused professor is a woman,
named Jane Gallop? The conference,
site of the kiss heard round the world,
was the First Annual Graduate Student
Gay and Lesbian Conference, subti-
ued, appropriately, Flaunting It. Sorry
for the gender bending, but it’s not
every day we run into such a clear ex-
ample of the new double standard.
When it comes to scx, feminists have
made a bed in which no one, not even
they, can sleep.

Gallop, fully understanding the
irony of the charge, has written a 101-
page defense ofher actions called Femi-
mist Accused of Sexual Harassment. It is
more than a case of man bites dog. She
charges that feminism has gone too far,
that the link between sex and power is
not the same when a woman is in the
position of authority.

She notes that “feminism invented
sexual harassment.” The label covered
male behavior that discriminated
against women in the workplace, that
made women feel uncomfortable or
unwelcome, that made it harder for
them to earn a living. It was part of a
larger pattern of sex discrimination.
After decades of feminist propaganda,
most people get it—dirty jokes and sex-
ually charged remarks are weapons of
the male hierarchy. They are to sex

what the burning cross is to racism—
prima facie acts of discrimination.

After reviewing the case, the univer-
sity found that Gallop had not discrim-
inated against anyone, and that the
quid pro quo allegations were without
merit. Gallop had never demanded
sex, and the evaluations received by
the students were deserved.

The investigation did find Gallop
guilty of violating the college's policy
on consensual relations. The language
was broad enough to indict a relation
that was “sexual but did not involve sex
acts.” Gallop says she was found
“slightly guilty of sexual harassment.”

As she sees it, she “was construed a
sexual harasser because I sexualize the
atmosphere in which I work. When
sexual harassment is defined as the in-
troduction of sex into professional rela-
tions, it hecomes quite possible to be
both a feminist and a sexual harasser."

We read Feminist Accused with some
amusement. Gallop tries to distance
herself from the pillars of “victim femi-
nism"—those who believe women are
at such an economic disadvantage that.
they can never really consent to sex.
She tries to distinguish between what.
she calls "socially coerced heterosexu-
ality and women's actual desires for
men. The crucial question," she writes,
"is whether women are treated as mere
sex objects or whether we arc recog-
nized as desiring subjects."

She builds a curious defense, one
that seeks a special exemption for
women's desire, as if it is somehow
more pure than that of men. She asks
us to consider "the more exotic possi-
bility of a feminist sexualizer” who real-
izes that "sexualizing is not necessarily
to women's disadvantage." Duh.

She argues that for true feminists,
the life of the mind and the life of the
loins have always been inseparable. In
the early Seventies, she was lured to
feminism in part by its ideas but also by
the promise of sex. "Thanks to femi-
nism," Gallop writes, "I learned that
women could masturbate, and I had
my first orgasm. For me, that sea
change will always be a central part of
what women's liberation means."

Imagine a male professor writing
about the liberating effect of masturba-

tion. In today's climate, he would be la-
beled a sex addict, or worse. Gallop de-
scribes her sexual awakening, saying
she "had the hots” for the women
at campus get-togethers. "When I
thought about the women at the meet-
ings, I burned to touch their bodies. I
walked around that year constandy in
heat" Gallop "learned that desire,
even desire unacted upon, can make
you feel very powerful.”

"True enough. But that power, when
experienced by a man, is labeled
predatory or exploitative by most fem-
inists. Gallop describes a bacchanalia
that followed a women-only dance,
where budding feminists barricaded
the door against a group of male party
crashers.

At this party Gallop dis-
covered the power of
anatomy. She reveals a
breast fetish that in a man
would be labeled juvenile.
“I remember Becca that
night," the professor
writes, “а gorgeous young
woman a year or so older
than me." Gallop says Bec-
ca "was the first to take off
her shirt and start danc-
ing. revealing the most
beautiful breasts 1 had
ever seen. We all danced
together in a heap, intoxi-
cated with the joy and en-
ergy of our young femi-
nism. The bacchanalian
frenzy did not in the least
cloud my focus on Becca's
breasts. I was dancing with
those beautiful breasts,
dancing all the harder be-
cause I so wanted to touch
those breasts.”

Can you say sex object?
What is vilified as the male
gaze is here elevated to
worship.

In graduate school at
Cornell, the professor-to-
be slept with two members
of her dissertation committee.

“Screwing these guys definitely did
not keep me from taking myself seri-
ously as a student. In fact, it seemed to
make it somewhat easier for me to
write. Seducing them made me feel
kind of cocky, and that allowed me to
presume I had something to say worth
saying.”

If a man said that, he would be ac-
cused of enjoying sex as conquest, of
scoring, of strutting. But Gallop is right
in believing that sex can energize. A
sexualized workplace has a creative
charge that one doesn't find in a con-

vent. Sexual harassment law may have
made the workplace safe for women,
but it has also made it antiseptic.
“Sexual harassment creates an envi-
ronment that is hostile to a student's
education,” writes Gallop. “My experi-
ence was the opposite. I was in an envi-
ronment extremely conducive to my
education, a heady atmosphere where
close personal contact intensified my
desire to learn and my desire to excel. I
learned and excelled. I desired and I
fucked my teachers.” Which is proba-
bly why the student chose to become a
teacher, one who occasionally slept
with students until she met her current
life partner in 1982. “Although I no
longer actually have sex with students,

I embrace such relations in principle. I
resist the idea that what 1 did was
wrong and persist in seeing these li-
aisons as part of the wide range of sex-
ual opportunities that I sampled as ful-
ly as possible in my younger days."
Gallop has become the target of oth-
er women: To some of her academic
peers, writing in the usually genteel
Chronicle of Higher Education, Gallop's
grad school behavior looks like classic
quid pro quo sex. One letter writer
complained that “she must have had
serious doubts about her own intellec-
tual ability and competence in order to

fall back on the oldest profession in
the world with two members of her dis-
sertation committee. This admission
brings into question the legitimacy
of her academic credentials and should
be a source of serious concern to
her students, potential students and
colleagues."

Feminists are supposed to challenge
gender stereotypes, but evidently,
some of the old labels still apply. Men
do not pretend to be Madonnas, nor
do they become whores after engaging
in sex.

Sometimes Gallop slept with people
for fun, sometimes out of sympathy or
passion. Some relationships were suc-
cessful, others disappointing. She
claims that in each, it was
the student who seduced
the teacher. Maybe so, but if
a man tried to make that
case, he would be cited for
blaming the victim.

"I do not respect the line
between the intellectual and
the sexual," Gallop writes.
"Central to my commitment
as a feminist teacher is the
wish to transmit the experi-
ence that brought me out of
romantic paralysis and into
the power of desire and
knowledge, to bring the
women I teach to their own
power, to ignite them as
feminism ignited me when I
was a student." Gallop la-
ments: “The chill winds of
the current climate threaten
то extinguish what feminism
lit for me.” Yet Gallop has
flamboyantly explored sex
with teachers and students.
She also helped form the
gantlet she got caught in

Feminists have long ar-
gued that sexual harass-
ment charges ought to apply
only to men. That belief is
based on the same pervert-
ed logic which holds that
only white Americans can be racist.
‘The feminist version goes like this: On-
ly oppressors can harass, and men op-
press women. Therefore, men are the
only possible villains and women the
only possible victims. Gallop seems to
believe the argument offers a theoreti-
cal shield to women professors who like
having sex with their students. Yet
when she makes her case for sexual li-
cense, she sounds as self-deluded, or
horny, as any man would pleading for
the same understanding.

If men and women sound the same,
why not treat them the same?

MEDICINAL SMOKE
Readers of Dr. Lester Grin-
spoon and James Bakalar's ex-
cellent article on medicinal mar-
ijuana ("Smoke Screen," The
Playboy Forum, June) should be
happy to learn of a major legal
victory. California's new medic-
inal marijuana law will contin-
ue to function as the voters іп-
tended, thanks to a ruling by a
federal judge this past spring.
When the federal govern-
ment threatened to punish doc-
tors who recommend marijua-
na to their patients, a group of
doctors and patients filed a
dass action lawsuit, arguing
that such recommendations are
First Amendment-protected
free speech. The government's
defense claimed that doctors
are free to discuss marijuana
but not to recommend it. Inter-
estingly, the gullible main-
stream media bought this line
and widely reported that the
government was softening its
position—missing the point
that a recommendation is nec-
essary to enable patients to use
marijuana legally in California.
Fortunately, judge Fern
Smith scrutinized the govern-
ment's position and recognized that
it would indeed infringe upon free
speech and punish compassionate doc-
tors. The judge declared that physi-
cians may not be punished for recom-
mending marijuana to their patients.
The federal warriors are showing
their true colors: They don't care about
people, just about power.
Chuck Thomas
Marijuana Policy Project
Washington, D.C.

‘This year, the federal government
admitted that the war on drugs has
achieved nothing. In the past 11 years,
after spending more than $300 billion,
diverting at least that amount into in-
ternational organized crime, arresting
more than 10 million Americans, over-
burdening police, courts and prisons,
alienating minorities, and creating a
rise in crime and a disrespect for the
law unseen since Prohibition, the avail-
ability, street price and use of illegal
drugs remain virtually unchanged.

More than 50 federal judges refuse
to hear drug cases. There are more

people in federal prisons today for
drug charges than the total federal
prison population of 15 years ago.
Drug czar Barry McCaffrey, Attorney
General Janet Reno and other knowl-
edgeable observers state frankly that
what we're doing isn't working. But,
because Americans dislike admitting
defeat and bureaucracies abhor being
dismantled, it will be a long time before
the war on drugs is officially declared
over. Truth, fairness, accuracy and all
the qualities we worship in our free-
dom of the press were abandoned by
the mainstream media as soon as the
government campaign began. The least
we can do is put an end to the wartime
rhetoric.

Peter McWilliams

Los Angeles, California

It's difficult for me to find a solid ar-
gument against the use of medicinal
marijuana, or against its recrcational
use, for that matter. It's also bullshit
that some growers get more jail time
than child molesters do. The govern-
ment needs to pull its head out of its 255

and realize that decriminalizing
marijuana would not only ben-
efit ailing patients but would al-
so provide much-needed rev-
enue. Hey, FDA, don't fear the
reefer.

John Sisko

Salt Lake City, Utah

Regardless of the results of
the medical testing of marijua-
na, a far larger problem has
surfaced. The U.S. government
was established by the people,
for the people. Our representa-
tives are elected to serve the
people. The people have spo-
ken, and the government has
shown by its actions that it does
not represent us. If we buy into
the arguments of William Ben-
nett and company that we have
been duped, why accept the re-
mainder of the election results
as the voice of the people? All
results should be considered
void by reason of stupidity, and
a new, informed election pro-
cess should begin. When you
talk out of both sides of your
mouth, eventually you will run
out of breath.

B.G. Read
Chandler, Arizona

"Thank you for printing "Smoke
Screen'—and especially for posting the
Web addresses of our resources. The
drug war was built on ignorance, and
the one thing that will topple it is edu-
cation. The information in the online
libraries will eventually make it impos-
sible for the supporters of the drug war
to continue the same old nonsense.
Your publication of the Web addresses
will help us bring that information to
the world.

Clifford Schaffer

Co-founder and Director

Drug Reform Coordination
Network Online Library
of Drug Policy

Canyon Country, California

I have the highest regard for Grin-
spoon and Bakalar. I must admit, how-
ever, that my recently published book,
Marijuana: Not Guilty As Charged, is not.
so polite to those who have caused
agony, imprisonment or death to mil-
lions of marijuana users. This relatively
harmless drug should never have been

R E

dedared illegal.

My credentials as an investigative re-
porter for more than 50 years include
practical experience—I inhaled. Mari-
juana prohibition was created through
misrepresentation and outright per-
jury by former drug czar Harry An-
slinger, who stated: "Marijuana is the
most violence-causing drug in the his-
tory of mankind. It turns people into
criminals, and many marijuana users
go insane!”

Barry McCaffrey, a retired general
and our present drug czar, dismissed
the successful use of medical marijuana
as a “cruel hoax." Rather than likening
it to something out of a Cheech and
Chong routine, the general should
read up and then look in the mirror at
who is perpetuating a cruel hoax on
the ill and dying. As stated in my book,
I offer $50,000 to anyone who can sci-
entifically prove that marijuana is not
medicine.

David Ford
Sonoma, California

As we argue over the advantages and
disadvantages of marijuana use, the
pros and cons of prostitution, the
rights and wrongs of abortion and
the blessings and harms of “obscenity,”
we are glossing over the fact that all of
these issues are matters of in-
dividual consent. Those who
support restrictions on per-
sonal liberty argue that such
bans are necessary to ensure
the health and financial
prosperity of our society. Yet
those same politicians claim
that they treasure the concept
of freedom. You cannot re-
strict persona] choice and still
have a free society.

Brian Rodgers
Grove City, Ohio

“Smoke Screen” accurately
depicts the promising uses of
marijuana as a medicine for
cancer, AIDS, multiple sclero-
sis and other serious ailments
as well as the difficulty of get-
ting marijuana approved by a
government obsessed with the
war on drugs.

Whether marijuana should
be legally allowed as a medi-
cine is a separate issue from
the question of whether mari-
juana should be legalized for

P О

NE 2S) SE

recreational users. Each issue must be
judged on its own merits. NORML un-
derstands this distinction, but the drug
warriors want to confuse the issues.
According to recent surveys, 79 per-
cent to 85 percent of Americans believe
a seriously ill person should be permit-
ted to use marijuana as a medicine pre-
scribed by a physician. The voters in
California and Arizona recently ap-
proved medical use in statewide initia-
tives. Millions of seriously ill Americans
already use marijuana to alleviate their
pain and suffering, but they risk arrest.
and jail to obtain it. Of all the negative
consequences of the war on drugs,
none is as tragic as the denial of effec-
tive medication to those who need it.
A new bill that would allow physi-

cians to prescribe marijuana to serious-
ly ill patients has been introduced in
Congress by Representative Barney
Frank (D-Mass.). Those who favor this
proposal should urge their elected rep-
resentatives to support it. Whatever
one's view of the war on drugs, deny-
ing mcdication to the sick and dying
should never be part of it.

R. Keith Stroup

Executive Director, NORML

Washington, D.C.

FORUM F.Y.l.

In California we now have access to
authentic research data. People may
safely come forward to discuss medici-
та! uses of marijuana with their physi-
cians and with researchers. We can fi-
nally answer the nagging question "Is
medical marijuana a myth?" I look for-
ward to the truth. I hope that our gov-
ernment deals with it before more
harm comes to patients and to our
communities.

Alan Silverman
Santa Rosa, California

The history of marijuana prohibition
is an example of government steward-
ship at its worst. Never have we come
closer to the tactics and mind-set that
brought history its most frightening
examples of nations in bondage and
civil rights in abrogation.

"Thanks for promoting the truth in
this important fight for justice.

Bruce Alexander
Tualatin, Oregon

ADAM LACK

I read in Reader Response that Adam
Lack, who was punished by Brown
University for a supposed rape, has
filed lawsuits for libel, gender bias and
negligence ("Brown Update," The
Playboy Forum, July). I'm proud that
some men aren't afraid to
stop feminists from taking
over men's rights in their ef-
fort to control things. Men
should also have rights, such
as the right not to carry
a Breathalyzer to fraternity
parties or nightclubs. Sara
Klein should have been able
to make her own decisions.
And if she was stupid enough
to get too drunk for that re-
sponsibility, she should accept

the consequences.
Andrew Coutermarsh
Springfield, Vermont.

We would like to hear your
point of view. Send questions,
opinions and quirky stuff to: The
Playboy Forum Reader Response,
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore
Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
Please include a daytime phone
number. Fax number: 312-951-
2939. E-mail: forum різуоу.
com (please include your city
and state).

NEV

S F R

O N T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

MOUNT JOY, 1owA—When state legisla-
tors prohibited nude dancing in businesses.
that serve alcohol, Iowa strip clubs became
juice bars. When lawmakers extended the

ban to include juice bars, Iowa strip clubs
became supporters of the arts. The South-
ern Comfort Lounge (now the Southern
Comfort Theater of Performing Arts) be-
gan offering nude figure drawing for 510
a session. "They have art pads and pencil
They have art contests,” said the ee
local prosecutor. "They're not going to get
ашау with that.” The Iowa Civil Liberties
Union has challenged the law.

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA—Why are we not
surprised? Tivo pilots told “The Virginian-
Pilot" that medical relief planes owned by
Pat Robertson's tax-exempt organization.
Operation Blessing often shuttled workers
and equipment for the televangelist's dia-
mond mining business. After first denying
the allegations, Robertson said that the
African Development Co. (he's the presi-
dent and sole shareholder) had reimbursed
Operation Blessing for the flights. Robert-
son says he wants to make a profit from his
private business ventures in Africa only so
he can help its suffering people.

ЕЕ

WHITEWATER, WISCONSIN—Police ar-
rested the manager of an apartment com-

plex near the University of Wisconsin—
Whitewater after they found hidden cam-
eras in a shower and a tanning booth. A
20-year-old student called police after be-
coming suspicious about a “smoke detec-
tor” the manager installed in her shower.

ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Con-
trol says that new cases of syphilis have
fallen to a 40-year low. Half of the
11,624 new cases reported last year oc-
curred in just 37 counties, mostly in the
South. Nearly three quarters of U.S. coun-
ties reported no new cases, prompting
health officials to consider a push to wipe
out the disease. The most-reported sexual-
by-transmitied disease was chlamydia, with
477,638 cases, followed by gonorrhea
(418,068) and AIDS (71,547).

THINNING THE HERD ==

SYRACUSE, NEW YORK—More than 40
Presbyterian churches protested u new pol-
icy that forbids sexually active singles from
being ordained. The Fidelity and Chastity
Amendment states that church leaders
must live “either in fidelity within the cov-
enant of marriage of a man and a women,
or chastity in singleness.” In a similar
vein, the Vatican stated through its semiof-
ficial newspaper that homosexuals can achieve
holiness as long as they don't have sex.

LONDON—Research on worms suggests
that men would live longer if they could
stop thinking about sex, Scientist David
Gems found that when male nematodes
were put together with females, they lived
ten days. When they were isolated, they
lived 20 days. (Separating the females had
no effect on their life spans.) Evidently the
thrill of the chase spurs the male worm to
exhaustion and early death. “They move a
great deal searching for mates, and their
life spans are shortened because of this,"
Gems told Reuters. Next time, stay in bed.

MANASSAS, VIRGINIA—The owners of a
tattoo parlor and a motorcycle shop com-
plained that a new tenant made too much
noise and disrupted business. So the
Blessed Victory Pentecostal Church agreed
to move. "They have a drum set and a РА

system,” the tattoo parlor oumer told “The
Washington Post.” “The noise was the on-
ly problem. The people were nice.” Down-
stairs at Bubba's Cycle Shack, the owner
complained that ceiling tiles and merchan-
dise fell to the floor during services. The
church didn’t put up a fight, said a pastor,
because “we're a people of peace.”

MaNILA—A Roman Catholic bishop
complained that the necklines on bridal
dresses were dipping dangerously low and
asked that brides be more discreet. “There
are times when instead of saying ‘the body
of Christ,’ I am tempted to say ‘Christ,
what а body!" the bishop said.

DALLAS—The Southern Baptist Con-
vention voted to boycott the Walt Disney
Co. and all its various divisions—theme
parks. movie studios. cable television. its
publishers and ABC-TV—because, it says,
the company is too sympathetic to gays.
ABC airs the lesbian-centric sitcom “El-
len,” while Disney provides health benefits
to partners of its gay employees and its
Florida theme park has been the site of Gay
Doy events. “You can't walk on the family

side of the street and the gay side of the
street at the same time in the Magic King-
dom,” proclaimed the president of the Bap-
tists’ morals panel. The reaction of most
good and right Americans; Will the boycott
mean shorter lines at Disney World?

“MONA OHM 314034 3H1 WON3 'NOISIA3131 1004У SHINYL

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: TOMMY HILFIGER

a candid conversation with fashions mister america about how to spot a
trend, his hip-hop music connections and why homoerotic ads don’t work

If you know nothing else about him, you
know his name. Tommy Hilfiger has made
sure of that. Any fashion designer can slap
his name on the seat of a pair of jeans or em-
broider a tiny yet tasteful insignia on the
pocket of his shiris. But Tommy Hilfiger
wants more. A lol more.

His T-shirts scream that name in two-
inch-high letters or in a huge signature
scrawled across his trademark red, white
and blue nautical flag. His workout gear
reads TOMMY HILFIGER down the sleeves and
around the waist; some jackets have the in-
signia TOMMY emblazoned across the back in
characters prominent enough for your half-
blind grandmother to decipher in a dark al-
ley. His dress shirts and ties sport a Hilfiger
crest so big it looks like a soup stain.

In 1985 a billboard went up in New
York's Times Square that declared: “The
four great American designers for men are:
поа p е mri een
The fact that few people had ever heard of
the last of the four caused a furor on Seventh
Avenue. None of Hilfiger’s critics at the
time, most of whom considered him a mar-
keting feat rather than a great designer,
could have guessed that the Tommy Hilfiger
Corp. would become a $600 million (rev-
enue) public company and one of the highest
valued “frock stocks” on the New York Stock

‘A lot of high-fashion people don't think Im
cool, because my clothes aren't expensive
enough and my models aren't. stuck-up
enough. But, then, having a big, successful.
business gains you a different respect.”

Exchange. He likes io call his menswear line
"classics with a twist,” but that phrase says
little about his broad appeal. Midwestern
dads, rap stars, street kids, yuppies—men of
all stripes wear his clothes. Even Bill Clinton
has been known to don his ties. And that’s
what irks other designers about Hilfiger
They say he is more concerned with being fa-
mous than with being fashionable, and many
simply don't consider him a designer. They
say the guy is such а shameless self. promoter
that an aide follows him at public appear-
ances with a pile of signed photographs for
Hilfiger to hand to fans. In 1995 Seventh
Avenue's smart sel was so piqued by his
rapid ascent that the Council of Fashion De-
signers of America refused to give an award
in (he menswear category.

“Everybody says, "You're trying to copy
Ralph Lauren, or ‘You're the younger
Ralph Lauren,’” admits the slim, 5'8" de-
signer whose toothy grin and quasi pageboy
haircut belie his 45 years. As he briskly tra-
verses the majestic halls of his New York
kingdom like а young potentate, he adds,
“Ralph is Ralph. He has a wonderful busi-
ness, a wonderful empire. And yes, 1 like his
taste level. But I have a whole different
thing—much faster moving, much younger,
much hipper. We're into a scene, so to speak.
I'm port of pop culture."

“AU of a sudden these hip young groups
started singing about my clothes. I liked it
when Mobb Deep said, ‘Tommy Hill was my
nigga and others couldn't figure.’ I thought
that was cool—he called me his nigga!”

Indeed, Hilfiger seems to exist in a brash,
public realm more suited to a platinum-sell-
ing rock star, a milieu at odds with what one
has come to expect of an exclusive Seventh
Avenue designer. In his Fifth Avenue office,
which offers tremendous views of one of
Manhattan's great landmarks, the 42nd
Street New York Public Library, the contrast
becomes even more striking. Amid the requi-
site baronial touches—20-foot ceilings, а
gargantuan mahogany desk, a rack of be-
spoke English-style duds—resis evidence that
Hilfiger looks to more than the past for cre-
ative inspiration.

Framed poster-size photos of Mick Jagger
and David Bowie, two longtime Hilfiger
idols who are now friends, peer down from a
wall behind his desk. Propped up on an an-
tique display cabinet in one corner are elec-
tric guitars given to him by rock luminari
Steve Winwood, Ron Wood, Mick Jones of
Foreigner and Bruce Springsteen. He just
received another from Metallica. “I made
them some clothes for their last videu," he ex-
plains. He has also dressed the Spice Girls
and No Doubt.

As for the man himself, Hilfiger is a whirl-
wind of manic energy. Al key moments in any
conversation, he pauses, as if pondering a
point. All of a sudden inspiration strikes and

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE

“I'm younger than Calvin, younger than
Ralph, younger than Donna Karan. I'm
younger in frame of mind, taste, ability. And
everyone wants to look young, so that’s a
positive.”

PLAYBOY

he sputters to interrupt himself, sometimes
midsentence. “Do you want to take a walk
now?" he says after one such interruption.
“ГИ give you a tour.” He is the epitome of ca-
sual elegance in a crisp white monogrammed
shirt, khakis and black Gucci loafers, and he
excitedly grabs a three-pocket navy blazer off
the rack as we head for the elevators.

At first, it appears Hilfiger is a celebrity
among his oum ranks. In his design offices,
faces light up as he addresses employees—
young men and women, black, white, Asian
and Hispanic—by name. “Hi, Don! How
are you?" he calls out to one African Ameri-
can hipster. “Hi, Tommy. Fine,” comes the
upbeat response. Unlike most celebrities,
however, Hilfiger memorizes an employee
“face book" to achieve this efject. Appear-
ances, apparently, count for a lot.

"This is very cool," he says, rubbing a
swatch of cowhide between his thumb and
forefinger. “You know what we need?” he
says to Don, his mind whirring into action.
“We need a leather jacket like this” —point-
ing to the sample—"that has a little label on
it, a little flag, and then embroidered on the
back, maybe in chenille, ‘Tommy Hilfiger.
Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, California.”
OK?" He is talking about his new flagship
store, a flashy, half block-long showcase in
Los Angeles scheduled to p November:

All this high-end hullabaloo is a far cry
from Elmira, the small, dreary city in upstate
New York where Thomas Jacob Hilfiger was
born on March 24, 1952. The son of the late
Richard Hilfiger, a jeweler and watchmaker,
and his wife, Virginia, a nurse who ЫШ lives
in Elmira, he grew up the second eldest of
nine children in a working-class Irish
Catholic neighborhood where large families
were the norm. “Our nine was nothing like
the Sheehans’ 14 up the street,” he jokes.

As a teenager, he was not a serious stu-
dent. It was only later that he was diagnosed
with dyslexia, but by then Ihe condition had
already shaped his persona. From an early
age, Tommy was determined to make his
mark in other ways.

In the late Sixties he grew his hair long
and started grooving to a rock-and-roll beat,
much to the chagrin of his straitlaced father.
The father couldn't imagine why the son
wasn't planning for college and, come to
think of it, he didn't care for the hippie scene,
either, He wasn't expecting young Tommy to
succeed at much of anything.

Hilfiger believes it was his urge to prove
his father wrong that motivated him one day
in 1969 to take his life savings, $150, and.
drive to New York City, where he and tuo
partners purchased 20 pairs of bell-bottoms
unavailable in their square hometown. Back
in Elmira they resold them to friends and
parlayed the profits into a small clothing
business.

In his senior year in high school he and
his two buddies opened a store called People's
Place that catered to the burgeoning hippie
crowd. By his mid-20s, he owned ten shops
in upstate New York—as weil as a Porsche, a
Mercedes, a Jaguar and a Jeep.

Increasingly frustrated by his inability to

find all the mod fashions his customers de-
sired, Hilfiger began sketching his own de-
signs and cajoled manufacturers into pro-
ducing them. During those years, business
took a backseat to creativity, aud in 1977,
thanks to sloppy management, People’s Place
went into bankruptcy.

Devastated, Hilfiger moved to New York
City with Susan Cirona, a creative director
in his Ithaca store whom he married in
1980. Together, the couple got jobs designing
jeans for Jordache, though they were quickly
fired. In 1984, after various business ven-
lures, Hilfiger got financial backing for his
own brand from Mohan Murjani—the Indi-
an tycoon behind Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans.

The marketing push behind his mid-
Eighties launch was the brainchild of Mur-
jani and George Lois, the whiz who sold
Americans on Volkswagen in the Sixties.
While it created some animosity among Hil-
figer’s fashion industry peers, the advertis-
ing juggernaut did the trick. “Our business
grew a lot faster as a result,” he says.

Soon, the business had outgrown Mur-
jani, and Hilfiger searched for a partner
with a global vision. In 1989 he found Silas
Chou, the scion of a Hong Kong textile fam-

Gianni Versace had such
connections with music and
fashion. Пе inspired a lot
of big names to step out
and get on the edge.

ily that was already manufacturing Tommy
Hilfiger sueaters. Chou demanded control-
ling interest (35 percent) in the company, but
in exchange, Hilfiger got financial clout.
His salary last year was $8.5 million.

In March 1994 rapper Snoop Doggy
Dogg wore an oversize Hilfiger Jersey on
“Saturday Night Live,” igniting wildfire
sales in a market high-profile designers had
previously eschewed—young, urban African
Americans. Hilfiger embraced his new audi-
ence and was rewarded with a $90 million
increase in sales the following year. In fall
1996 Hilfiger introduced a line of casual-
wear for women as well as a women's fra-
grance, tommy girl. He recently introduced
footwear, and clothing for infants and tod-
dlers. Ahead are home furnishings and high-
er-priced tailored lines for men and women.

Finally, in 1996, he received the Mens-
wear Designer of the Year award from the
CFDA. But Hilfiger continues to set himself
apart from the haute-couture pack with the
knowledge that these days new styles bubble
up from the streets. "Ten years ago, you
would look at somebody wearing a backward
baseball cap and think something was
wrong,” he explains. “Now you can go to the
Westchester Country Club, or to the White

House on a Sunday afternoon, and see peo-
ple wearing their baseball caps backward."
Not that he hasn't hit some snags. A recent
smear campaign, disseminated via the Inter-
net, alleged that the designer had made
racist remarks on “Oprah” and CNN's
“Style With Elsa Klensch,” TV shows Hil-
figer has never appeared on. “Why would a
businessman say anything like that any-
way?” he wonders.

Although Hilfiger is notoriously private
about his personal life, this much is known:
He and Susie have three daughters and one
son, ages 2 to 12. They live on a $10 million
farm in Connecticut, where a staff of eight
tends to a 22-room clapboard residence on
the edge of a wildlife sanctuary. Then there
are the frequent weekends spent on Nantuck-
et and at the house next door to Mick Jag-
ger's on the Caribbean island of Mustique.

We sent uriter Alec Foege to spend time
with the busy designer both at his New York
headquarters and at his satellite offices in
Connecticut. Foege got the scoop on Hilfi-
ger's squeaky-clean success story. He reports:

“Because Hilfiger is so courteous and
friendly, it's easy to assume he's not worried.
about anything. Bul beneath the cool de-
meanor, there is a palpable nervous energy
and insecurily. After politely talking for an
hour, he'll start flipping through fashion
magazines or yell out to his assistant, “Don't
forget to get Mick on the phone."

"Walking down Fifth Avenue with Hil-
ет is a surreal experience. First of all,
every fifth person on ihe street is wearing an
item with his name on it. In just two and a
half blocks we saw people wearing his sweat-
shirts, T-shirts, tics and backpacks. There
were Hilfiger ads at viriually every bus stop
and on phone booths.

“When he's out, he is trailed by at least
one bodyguard with a walkie-talkie, a prac-
tice he started long before Gianni Versace's
murder. But when somebody. bike messenger
or businessman, says hello, he says hello back
and shakes hands.

“His openness and compassion seem gen-
uine, as does his desire to be the biggest and
greatest. Spend a little time with Hilfiger
and you sari to realize that, in his mind, he
is a rock star."

PLAYBOY: What's it like to walk down thc
street and scc your name plastered all
over everybody's clothes?

HILFIGER: I'm very proud. However, it's
also frustrating sometimes because I see
cheap, tacky counterfeits, and 1 don't
want people to think we made those. For
a while we were busting people left and
right, but it's still happening. There's re-
course, but you have to find these peo-
ple. It’s like finding drug dealers.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever wondered if the
acceptance of your clothing has anything
to do with how your name looks or
sounds?

HILFIGER: I don't think it does. It could be
any name. If you have the right product,
the right advertising, the right imaging
behind it, it could say Johnny Hallyday.

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NICOTINE-FREE

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Printed in USA

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tion, talk to your doctor or other health care professional

GlaxoWellcome

Glaxo Wellcome Inc.
Research Triangle Park, NC 27709

V.S. Patent Nos. 5,427,798 and 5,358,970
© Copyright 1997 Glaxo Wellcome Inc. All rights reserved

May 1997 RL-425

BUPO30RO September 1997

Тһе way we have built Tommy Hilfiger is
through (a) the product and (b) the im-
age, the advertising, the public relations
and the marketing. Having the goods on
the right people. Having the merchan-
dise in the right stores. All the right col-
ors. Making sure all the ingredients are
right. I mean, look at Calvin Klein. Look
at Ralph Lauren. Those names aren't
too cool. The product tells the story, and
the imaging around the product.
PLAYBOY: Does the product always come
first?

HILFIGER: Absolutely. If the product is
great, people will buy it. Ifthe product is
not great, people won't buy it. People
aren't stupid. They understand clearly
what they're buying and what's available
out there.

PLAYBOY. Did you set out to become a
celebrity?

HILFIGER: You know what it is? The more
known you become with the American
public, the better your chances are of
succeeding—if you can portray a posi-
tive image.

PLAYBOY: So you're part of the image?
HILFIGER: I'm part of part of the image.
PLAYBOY: And what is that image?
HILFIGER: So far, the image has been
fresh, young, healthy, hip. It's been eth-
nically diverse. Using ads which reflect
that has given me a strong foothold in
the market. Because when you think
"Tommy Hilfiger, you think of those im-
ages. T hose images are positive, whereas
some images from other designers are
negative. Or different from that.
PLAYBOY: Are you talking about the pale,
emaciated models in Calvin Klein's ads?
HILFIGER: Calvin has been a genius in his
marketing approach. It's not something
I would do because that's not my thing. I
think some of it has been too negative. T
don't want anybody to think negative.
PLAYBOY: President Clinton spoke out.
against the "heroin chic" look popular-
ized by designers and photographers.
Has heroin become an intrinsic part of
the fashion world?

HILFIGER: It’s really not a part of our
world at all. And ifit is, we're oblivious to
it. We surround ourselves with healthy,
Spirited, positive people and we haven't
experienced any difficulties with the
models we use or the people we associate
with. Although I believe those types of
people would stay away from us as well,
because we are the antithesis of what
they're all about. It's an embarrassment
to the industry, and President Clinton
did the right thing in scolding the fash-
ion industry. I don't in any way condone
the use of models who look as if they're
on drugs. And I won't mention names,
but there are other big designers who
have condoned it, so to speak. We think
that's completely wrong. Bringing it into
the open is appropriate because perhaps
it will remind people that it's not the
right thing to do.

PLAYBOY: How has Gianni Versace's mur-

der affected the fashion world?
HILFIGER: Gianni had such connections
with music and fashion that he will be
sorely missed as one of the leaders in
that game. He was so flamboyant and in-
teresting that he inspired a lot of big
names to step out and get on the edge. I
believe he was the catalyst in bringing
music and fashion together in such a
monstrous way.

PLAYBOY: Does his murder give you sec-
ond thoughts about being a celebrity?
HILFIGER: Гуе always been security con-
scious, and I don't think this will per-
suade me to increase security. 1 will say
that we are surrounded at all times by
various security people.

PLAYBOY: What do you make of the trend
toward using homoerotic imagery—
muscular, naked men—in fashion adver-
tising meant to appeal to straight men?
HILFIGER: Number one, it's attention-get-
ting. Number two, straight men may not.
look at it as being homoerotic. A lot of
straight men might look at it as being—
they see a muscular guy, they might want
to look like that. But I don't think
straight men in general like homoerotic
advertising. When I look at male adver-
tising, I don't get emotional unless I like
the clothes, or the car in the back-
ground, or the height at which Michael
Jordan is jumping in the air. Because
Im not a homosexual. If I look at
Ralph's advertising I look at the clothes
or at the background. "I like that jacket,"
or "Thar's a cool color combination," or
"I like that helicopter in the back-
ground," or something like that. But I
also respond emotionally to female ad-
vertising, especially if the woman is in-
credibly appealing.

PLAYBOY: People tend to be dressed in
your advertisements.

HILFIGER: Yes. It's much more real.
There's usually a group, and they're
having fun. They're smiling. They're
upbeat, not negative, and very Ameri-
can. A lot of models in other ads have
scowls on their faces. My models are usu-
ally smiling. There's a difference.
PLAYBOY: How come models in other de-
signers' ads aren't smiling?

HILFIGER: Well, there's a snobbery at-
tached to fashion. For some, it's almost.
chic to be snobby. I've taken the opposite
approach. I think it's a bit tacky to be
snobby. It's tasteless. A lot of high-fash-
ion people don't think I'm cool, because
my clothes aren't expensive enough and
my models aren't stuck-up enough. But,
then, having a big, successful business
gains you a different respect.

PLAYBOY: Are there any drawbacks to be-
ing heterosexual in a business dominat-
ed by homosexuals?

HILFIGER: Well, I like women. And in this
business, that's sometimes a negative.
Case in point: We're setting up a fashion
shoot for a women's campaign. The pho-
tographer and ad people and casting
people want me to see all these girls. So

25 girls come up to the office and I'm
supposed to pick the best one or two.
First one comes into my office, 1 say,
"She's incredible. She's just beautiful.
Reserve her." Another one comes up,
and I say, "She has the most incredible
eyes." Another one comes up and I say,
"She has the perfect body for our cam-
paign. Perfect. Put her on the side also."
By now the photographer and the cast-
ing person are getting a little frustrated.
PLAYBOY: So what do you do?

HILFIGER: I say, "Guys, I'm confused." Or,
I take the modeling books home to Su-
sie, my wife, and my daughter Alexan-
dria, and say, "OK, girls, what do you
think?" I grew up with five sisters, so I'm
pretty good at dealing with women, but 1
don't know if I'm as good a women's de-
signer as I am a men's designer. I mean,
I can look at a pair of pants or a jacket
and know that I like the way it looks. IF I
lookata skirt or a blouse or dress I think
I might know, but I'm not positive. A lot.
of gay fashion designers probably know
what it would look like on their bodies.
But, you know, Ralph Lauren is straight.
Oscar de la Renta is straight. There are a
lot of successful straight male designers.
"The perception is that no fashion de-
signers are straight.

PLAYBOY: Why is that?

HILFIGER: Because in the old days, fash-
ion designers designed dresses and
gowns, and they were effeminate, most
of them. But now it’s not only about
fashion design, it's about running a chal-
lenging, global, public company. I'm not
much different from Phil Knight at
Nike. We're building a product, we're
running a business, we're marketing. It's
not much different from Apple. It's not
much different from running Coca-Cola.
Ralph Lauren and I are engaged in
something like the Pepsi-Coke war, or
the BMW-Mercedes war. We're moving
fast and forward, and we're each con-
scious of what the other is doing.
PLAYBOY: So you feel competitive with
Ralph Lauren?

HILFIGER: Absolutely. You know, there are
different categories of designers, but
both Ralph and I are big in men's casual
American sportswear. That's the largest
part of the designer business, and we are
neck and neck.

PLAYBOY: What would you say to the guy
who thinks, I like Tommy Hilfiger’s
clothes, but isn’t he all about marketing?
Aren't you just putting your name all
over this stuff and selling something
that's already available?

HILFIGER: I’m sure there are cynics. They
don't really understand it. But then
there are people who are pleasantly sur-
prised, who look at the items and say, “I
get a certain feeling about who designed
this.” The way I see it, everyone needs
casual clothes, athletic clothes, some sort
of dressy, respectable clothes. Body care
or skin care or hair care products.
Everyone needs belts. Everyone needs

PLAYBOY

socks, underwear. Everyone needs a
necktie. So if I can give people the right
items—in the right colors, with the right
quality, the right style, in all these cate-
gories—then I can have a big, big busi-
ness creating a lifestyle for these con-
sumers. Now, some will buy everything
from head to toe. Some will buy just the
shirts. Some will buy only the footwear.
Some may get fragrance as a gift. There
are different reasons behind someone
getting in touch with a brand.

PLAYBOY: What is it about your brand?
HILFIGER: I’m a young brand—not іп
terms of how long we've been in business
but in our focus on the younger person.
And everyone wants to look young, so
that’s a positive. I'm younger than Cal-
vin, younger than Ralph, younger than
Donna Karan. I'm younger than any of
those designers in frame of mind, taste,
ability. Younger things sell to a bigger
nce from the start. My clothes go
platinum right away as opposed to wait-
ing two years.

PLAYBOY: You clearly take a lot of inspira-
tion from traditional fashions, yet you
also seem obsessed with pop culture.
Where did that mix originate?

HILFIGER: When I was growing up, my
friends and I used to listen to music all
the time. We went from listening to the
Beatles to the Kinks to the Yardbirds to
Traffic. To Zeppelin to the Who to the
Stones. Hendrix, the Doors, Joplin. In
high school we would sit around and
look at the album covers. And whenever
there were photographs of the band on
the cover, we were more attracted to the
music. We wanted to look like those
band members but couldn't figure out
how to do it, because our parents
wouldn't let us have long hair. And we
couldn't find bell-bottoms or mod
clothes in Elmira, New York. So in 1969
two friends and 1 put some money to-
gether and drove to New York City,
where we bought a bunch of jeans. We
brought them back to Elmira and sold
them to our friends. It was sort of like a
new beginning. Anything traditional did
not make sense to me. It was a rebellious
time. The Vietnam war was going on. It
was the year of Woodstock. My life was
really changing.

PLAYBOY: You had a rocky relationship
with your father. Did that influence the
direction in which you went?

HILFIGER: My father was very proud. He
wanted his son to go to an Ivy League
school. He wanted me to do what he had
aspired to do but didn't have the oppor-
tunity to do. He wanted me to become a
lawyer or a doctor or to get into some
stable profession. And he was critical of
me and my grades. I wasn't a serious kid.
I was silly, always stirring the pot, mak-
ing trouble at home with my sisters or
brothers, always creating a little bit of
havoc. 1 think I really drove him crazy.
Then, when I went away with my friends
to Cape Cod and Hyannis and came

back at the end of the summer with long
hair and sandals and bell-bottoms, he
was freaked.

PLAYBOY: He was pretty straitlaced?
HILFIGER: Oh, yes. A real Brooks Broth-
ers type. He didn't want his son to be
seen in Elmira with long hair and bell-
bottoms. My father just didn't get it. He
wasn't sure if I was gay or completely
drugged out or just rebellious. He didn't
understand. "Why would anybody want
to have long hair? And why would you
want to wear pants that are flared out at
the bottom? And straight, normal guys
don't wear sandals."

PLAYBOY: Did you dress to antagonize
your father?

HILFIGER: No, we just hated everything
about the establishment. We thought it
sucked. After all, we had tripped on acid
and discovered the Beatles and the Mag-
ical Mystery Tour. Our parents didn't
know about that stuff, so what did they
really know? There was this whole
peace-love world happening. Why
would anybody want to go to Vietnam?
But my father wanted to live by the
book. He really believed. He served in
the Army, so why shouldn't I? Looking
back, I think my father was saddled with
too much responsibility. Finances were
always an issue, having nine children to
support. It was a tremendous responsi-
bility. I mean, I have four children and
it’s, like, major.

PLAYBOY: What is your family’s back-
ground?

HILFIGER; My father was third-generation
German. Bavarian. My mother is third-
generation Irish. Real blue-collar. But in
dealing with his clients, my father met
wealthy people from Old World families.
He saw the way they lived and knew
where their children were going to
boarding school and college. But I was
not predicted to become successful. I got
terrible grades in school.

PLAYBOY: You suffered from dyslexia?
HILFIGER: I still have a problem identify-
ing certain letters and numbers. But in
those days, I couldn't figure out what
was wrong. I felt really bad about myself
in school when I couldn't get the work.
Everybody thought it was because I was
a screwup. I used my class-clown routine
so they wouldn't think I was completely
stupid, so there was a reason Tommy
wasn't passing algebra. It was because
Tommy wasn't in class half the time, and
when he was there he was making peo-
ple laugh. That's why he didn’t do well. Т
didn't want anybody to know that I
didn't get it.

PLAYBOY: That must have been scary.
HILFIGER: It was scary when I brought
my report card home. I had to repeat
tenth grade. It was pretty embarrassing.
PLAYBOY: Did you graduate from high
school?

HILFIGER: Yes, by the skin of my teeth. I
think they graduated a lot of us just to
get rid of us.

PLAYBOY: Did you try college?

HILFIGER: I went to a community college
for a semester and then to Cornell Uni-
versity for about a week. I hated it. I hat-
ed the idea of having to be in a class at a
certain time, having to be responsible to
this book and this teacher and this thing
that was going on, when my business was
my real love and passion.

PLAYBOY: But you persisted.

HILFIGER: If I couldn’t go through the
door, I would go over, around, or dig a
hole to get under. I wasn't going to stop.
I've always had a tremendous amount of
confidence in myself. Even though I was
a jokester, І was serious about making
money. I knew it wasn't going to come
from my parents or from a scholarship
to Brown or Harvard. So 1 opened a
small boutique called People's Place with
a couple friends in Elmira and sold these
clothes along all the appropriate
gear of the time. Candles, incense, pipes,
papers. The works.

PLAYBOY: Would you call it a head shop?
HILFIGER: Actually, we called it a bou-
tique. But there was a head shop within
the boutique. And it was very successful.
Ibecame fanatic about the music and the
fashion.

PLAYBOY: How did you manage to run
your own store at 18?

HILFIGER: We opened the doors at three
in the afternoon when we were seniors
in high school. The business was ticking
and it was an absolute thrill го be part of.
It was the smell of the incense burning in
the store, the colors of the pants stacked
up. The music playing. The customers
walking in. I mean, all these cool kids. It
was like a hangout. But on the other
hand, it was a serious business. After
that, we opened stores in Corning and
Cortland and Ithaca. The store in Ithaca
was cool because Cornell students, kids
from all over the world, came in and
loved what we were selling. Then I start-
ed thinking, I really want to design the
clothes. I don't want to buy from manu-
facturers, I want to give them the ideas.
So I talked with some manufacturers. 1
had to talk my way into it, but a couple of
people gave me breaks.

PLAYBOY: Did you know anyone who
knew how to design?

HILFIGER: No. No.

PLAYBOY: Did you even know what a pat-
tern was?

HILFIGER: Vaguely. But I was smart
enough to know I could hire somebody
to do what I didn’t know how to do. I
also knew it was about the marketing of
an idea.

PLAYBOY: Did you understand that way
back then?

HILFIGER: Yes. I knew there had to be
substance behind the marketing, but I
wanted to figure out the concept. Not
just the clothes but the marketing of the
clothes. Displaying the whole thing. I
went to rock concerts all the time, and I
played a lot of the music in my stores.

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DNSULTATION, ABOUT YOUR INDIVIDUAL CASE

PLAYBOY

PLAYBOY: What was a defining rock
concert for you?

HILFIGER: October 1969. Rochester War
Memorial, Rochester, New York. Led
Zeppelin and Spooky Tooth. Picked up
my friend on the way and we drove to
the concert, tripping on acid. We sat in
the faraway stands. We watched Rob-
ert Plant swing his microphone around
with Jimmy Page playing Communication
Breakdown. Chills ran through our
bones. And they were dressed in, like,
this English royal rock gear. That was a
distinct turning point. From that mo-
ment, I wanted to be a part of that
world. My friends would sit at a concert.
and appreciate the music, but I was into
the persona of the band.

PLAYBOY. How come you didn't start a
band instead of starting a store?
HILFIGER: Some people can pick up a gui-
tar and start playing. I was responsive to
fashion. It came easy for me. I was able
to pick the right clothes for my cus-
tomers and make my stores look great. I
had the touch. When I couldn't find ex-
actly what I wanted to offer my cus-
tomers, 1 started sketching items I liked
on a pad of paper.

PLAYBOY. Were the sketches based on
these rock performers?

HILFIGER: Whatever I liked. The music
was a strong inspiration, but I also began
traveling. I went to London, where the
Carnaby Street thing was coming on
strong. King’s Road was a happening
place. The New York Dolls came on in
New York. David Bowie was just coming
out. And music and fashion were, like,
joined. The Stones were really hot, and
Mick and Keith, Bowie, T. Rex, Elton
John and Freddie Mercury were setting
trends with what they wore. I wanted to
design their clothes. I wanted to go into
the design business.

PLAYBOY: Even though you had no for-
mal training?

HILFIGER: Right. But I had no formal
training as a retailer, either. I hired the
right people, surrounded myself with—
well, at the time, who I thought were the
right people. Besides, I didn't like the
responsibility that came with owning a
business. I just wanted to design.
PLAYBOY: What were your first designs?
HILFIGER: Jeans and jeanswear. Bell-bot-
toms and jean jackets and jean vests.
Jean shirts.

PLAYBOY: You were designing clothing
for hipsters. Did you think about fashion
differently from the way you do now?
HILFIGER: Nowadays, I’m probably a lot
more in tune with what the mass con-
sumer wants. Back then I was thinking
more about individual items. Now 1 do

collections.
PLAYBOY: Is that easier?
HILFIGER: Actually, it’s somewhat easier to

think about. If you design a theme, likea
nautical theme, it's easier to think of a lot
of items than just one item.

68 PLAYBOY: Where do those sorts of themes

come from?

HILFIGER: From the outdoors, travel. The
world today.

PLAYBOY: Can you be more specific?
HILFIGER: OK, I’m on Nantucket in the
summer. I'm on a boat. And I'm think-
ing of what it must have been like to be a
captain on a boat in the Thirties. How he
would have dressed, and how the crew
would have dressed. Then I'm looking
at a fishing boat off yonder, and I'm
thinking, What do you think those guys
wore back then? Then I see a windsurfer
in the harbor and I look at what he's
wearing. I sec his girlfriend standing on
the beach, and I think, Wow, she's great,
look at what she's wearing. Then there's
а bunch of kids on the beach in a Range
Rover with a surfboard on top. Then 1
put all that into a blender and I start
coming out with great ideas. I picture
something in my mind and then get it
designed.

PLAYBOY: Are you somebody who walks
through the streets and looks at what
everybody's wearing?

HILFIGER: Yes, always. I love color and 1
love vibrancy. I love newness. I also like
people, and every person has something
different to offer. You can't always get
the whole picture just by seeing some-
thing. Sometimes you have to talk with the
person who's wearing it. You have to talk
with somebody who knows something
about it, like some of the kids who work
for me who are snowboarders and skate.
boarders. I'll just say, “Hey, guys, what's
happening?” And they will say, “Tighter-
fitting. bigger, baggier. Neutral colors,
brighter colors.” I mean, sometimes you
have to pry a little.

PLAYBOY: Some people would say a de-
signer should set trends, not follow
them.

HILFIGER: Well, honestly speaking, we're
not reinvenung the wheel. Not one de-
signer reinvents the wheel. They re-
design designs. They re-create and they
put their touch on existing designs.
Skirts and pants and dresses and jackets
and sweaters and T-shirts and polo shirts
have been around as long as sewing ma-
chines, thread and cloth. But the good
designers figure out something new to
do with them. I've taken classic, tradi-
tional formulas and changed them. I
make them newer, fresher, more inter-
esting, more fun. More stylish. More col-
orful. I've added all sorts of detail, I've
reengineered fits, I've treated fabrics.
I've made most of these clothes more
comfortable. I've made them with great
quality and made them affordable.
PLAYBOY: How does that distinguish you
from Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren?
HILFIGER: They all have their formulas
Rolls-Royce has its formula. BMW has a
formula, Mercedes has a formula, Ford
has a formula. Thcy all makc cars, but
they're all different.

PLAYBOY: But Tommy Hilfiger is a cut
above. Your stock is arguably the most

successful in the history of the apparel
industry. How have you been able to
build a strong business in such a faddish
environment?

HILFIGER: You have to give them the next,
whether they're hip-hop kids or college
kids or doctors or lawyers. And you have
to make damn sure the next is great
merchandise.

PLAYBOY: When did hip-hop stars start
wearing your clothes?

HILFIGER: My brother Andy [director of
public relations for Tommy Jeans]
brought me a bunch of hip-hop groups.
He said, “Tommy, these groups are very
hip. And they love your clothes. Let's
dress them." So we dressed Snoop Dog-
ву Dogg for Saturday Night Live. And all
of a sudden these hip young groups
from Harlem and the Bronx started
singing about my clothes. And I thought
it was cool. A lot of people, uptight Wall
Street people, said, “What do you think
about all these hip-hoppers wearing
your clothes?" I said, “I think it's pretty
great.” That got back to the hip-hoppers
and I think they looked at it as if 1 was
embracing them. Which was true. So Y
began surrounding myself with street
people to get more of a grip on it.
PLAYBOY: A lot of hip-hop artists have
mentioned your name in their lyrics. Do
you have a favorite?

HILFIGER: I liked it when Mobb Әсер
said, “Tommy Hill was my nigga and
others couldn't figure/How me and Hil
figer used to move through with vigor." I
thought that was cool—he called me his
nigga! But you can have every rap group
singing about you and still not have the
right stuff. It's got to have the right fit,
it's got to be great quality, the right price,
the right weight. It's got to be the right
product.

PLAYBOY: Some blacks criticize white
designers for fostering a consumerist
desire for expensive clothing among
kids who can't afford it. How do you
respond?

HILFIGER: If these kids weren't buying my
clothes, they'd be buying somebody
else's. Plus, I actually give back to the
community. We're running a business
and we're making what we think is a bet-
ter product. I hope we're doing the right
thing.

PLAYBOY: How come you've never de-
signed a high-couture line?

HILFIGER: I've always wanted to sell
clothes and make money. I didn't want
to design clothes and lose money. ! also
didn’t want to design clothes that would
end up ina museum rather than on peo-
ple's bodies. If you look at success from
an artistic point of view as well as a com-
mercial point of view, you can be success-
ful. Some designers want to control ev-
eryone and everything and that's when
they run into problems.

PLAYBOY: Do you have any plans for a
couture line?

(continued on page 172)

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY?

He's a man who takes his java with Java, whether he's socializing at the Internet Café or logging
on at home. More than 1.3 million PLAYBOY men used an online service this past month, and ten
percent of men who downloaded software from the Intemet are PLAYBOY readers. Four million
PLAYBOY men use computers at their home or work. That's more than the readers of GQ
and Esquire combined. PLAYBOY—it's the place to plug in. (Source: Spring 1997 MRI.)

CORD

CONFIDENTIAL

tapped kegs, tight jeans and broken
hearts. eight sex-crazed sorority girls

earn a degree one weekend at a time

AAA Е ЕЕЕ: |
article By ALISON LUNDGREN

of a double-income family. It’s painted white and has a well-

kept lawn that harbors a few piles of freshly raked leaves.
Inside, the living room is furnished with a large wraparound
couch, an entertainment center with a 19-inch TV and a kid-
ney-shaped glass coffee table. If not for the row of sorority pad-
dles that hangs on a wall, you might never know it's the crash
pad of cight college students at the University of Illinois. The
most obvious signs of life are in the messy bedrooms. Michelle,
a freckly, svelte blonde and the queen of serious relationships,
had sex with Brad in her bed today. Oddly, hers is the only one
that’s made. Papers, textbooks and clothes are strewn about.
Bookshelves and tables are covered with group photographs
from sorority functions. A picture in Kat's room shows her and
two other girls in a tipsy pyramid. “I don’t even remember be-
ing in that picture. I think I puked that night,” she says, laugh-
ing. Kat is the resident smartass. She’s in lust with Jack, a guy
she tends bar with. Although they've been “shacking” at least
once a week for the past six months, he wants nothing more
than a sexual relationship.

The girls call their house the Big Poppa, after the song by the
Notorious B.1.G. Kat, tossing back her dark hair, explains, “At
the end ofthe night, even if we don't have a guy, we always have
the Big Poppa to come home to.”

Баз the outside, the house looks like it might be the home

FOUR PM. FRIDAY

Ah, happy hour. Students toting backpacks head straight
from class to the nearest bar. They're looking for cheap drink
specials first; good music is a distant second. On the weekends

ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI

PLAYBOY

at the U. of L, there's always a reason
to whoop. Even fair weather merits a
celebration.

This afternoon Kat, Amanda, Chris-
tine and Liz are sprawled on thecouch
watching Oprah and nursing hang-
overs. Liz, a spunky redhead, is the on-
ly one who made it to class today.

Jen zips through the room. She's
half dressed and has a peculiar red
spot on her neck. "1 just burned myself
with the curling iron—total hickey. Not
cool.” She has two potential boyfriends
to juggle this weekend: PJ, who lives in
the frat across the street, and Vic, her
best friend from home.

Sara, a petite cutie pie with blondish
hair, is plopped in a chair next to the
couch. Her thin, muscular legs hang
over the chair's arm. “I thought Jen
was going to throw up on the bus last
night," she says.

"Didn't she?" Amanda asks coyly.

“She puked, bur it was in my bed,”
says Karen, a glossy-haired, full-fig-
ured babe, from the floor in front of
the TV.

A true friend is one who holds your
hair back while you puke. Karen did it
last night for Jen and for Chuck, her
current obsession. "In high school they
used to call me Mom. I took care of
everyone," she says gloomily.

Jen returns dressed and ready for
happy hour: Sara looks aghast. "I can't
believe you're going out so early,” she
says, glad to move off the distasteful
topic of puking.

“Тіп not going to start drinking yet.
I'm driving," Jen says.

“Tm ready,” Karen says. "Don't for-
get that the purpose of this weekend is
for those of us who don't have barn
dance dates to get barn dance dates.
And it's a lot easier for me when I’m
under the influence." The girls look at
her ard smile. They're for anything
that will get Karen a date.

A barn dance is a sorority function
where everyone dresses in flannel
shirts and jeans, hops on buses and
heads to a local farm for an evening of
hayrides, bonfires, drinking and danc-
ing. At the last barn dance, Amanda
went to pee behind the barn and no-
ticed someone's ass going up and
down. A couple was having sex in the
cornfield. The next day, Amanda told
her friend Janie, who turned bright
red. As Kat says, "Immediately, we
knew it was her. And we're like, 'Well,
we hope you were on top, right” And
she's like, ‘Hell yeah, I didn't want to
get shit all over my back!"

Аз Oprah's credits roll, Karen mopily
heads to the shower. She hasn't had
the best luck with guys lately. She took
Chuck to Wednesday night's im-
promptu, a last-minute party whose
object is that invitees must find a date

ASAP, and the two "totally started
macking." But when they got into his
bedroom and she took off her shirt and
bra, she was humiliated to find that he
didn't want her. "Not once did he
touch my butt or my chest," she says,
amazed. "When I left, he gave me two
pecks. He never asked me for my
phone number or said ‘I'll talk to you’
or anything. I saw him last night at af-
ter-hours. We started talking and he
put his arm around me. Then he fell
down and passed out. I slept on his
couch. I left this morning without say-
ing goodbye."

Christine, a humble beauty with
dishwater-blonde hair, comes down-
stairs in a robe and with a towel on her
head. She's holding Herbie Handcock,
the house mascot. "So how'd Herbie
make it upstairs?" she asks. Herbie's a
nine-inch dildo decorated with a tuft of
black hair and a red ribbon around its
shaft. Although it's never used for its
intended purpose, the girls have made
a game of hiding it around the house
(Karen's coat pocket, Kat's backpack,
Amanda's bed).

“Wednesday night after the im-
promptu everyone came back to our
house,” Kat says. "Everyone was wast-
ed, but me and Michelle were stone-
sober and trying to study. They showed
the guys the dildo and our penis mug
and everything. It was so embarrass-
ing. But all six guys shacked."

“Untrue," Christine says in her usual
laid-back tone. "My date, John, and I
were in my room and he's all itchy and
coughy and I ask him what's wrong.
He goes, ‘Is this a down comforter? I'm
allergic to down.’ He's allergic to the
damn comforter—I had to take him
home!"

Jen, Michelle and Brad are good to
ро, but they want to pound a few Bud
Lights. Beers in hand, they sit down
near the rest of the roommates.
at and 1 were talking about how
often we get with guys," Liz says. "Kat
compares her rate to holidays, but
mine is like the Olympics—it happens
once every four years." Liz just ended а
four-year long-distance relationship.
She's excited to be single. On Wednes-
day, as Kat points outs, Liz met a guy
named Mike, and they shacked.

"Actually, we've all gotten lucky with
guys lately," Kat says.

FIVE EM

The watering hole of choice is
packed. It's filled with sports memora-
bilia and has a huge, wraparound bar,
20 TVs and ratty booths lining the
walls. There's a Weezeresque band
playing on the dance floor in the cor-
ner. Two pitchers comin' right up.

“We һауе to pace ourselves, or else
we won't make it," Karen says, ever the

pessimist. She slams her first beer and
fills her cup again. The "Monster"
pitchers cost $9 each, with a $3 depos-
it. Three beers and 30 minutes later,
pacing notwithstanding, Karen rhap-
sodizes about the time she hooked up
with a stranger from another school.
“He was a model. Greasy hair, Italian
Stallion—I loved it. 1 hadn't had even а
kiss for six months. We got totally wast-
ed and started macking on the dance
floor. We went back to the Poppa and
within a minute we were completely
naked. Jen's passed out on the bed
right next to us, but we don't care.
We're totally going at it. Next thing I
know, Kat busts in. We're on top of the
covers and we're like, ‘Kat, get out!”
She's like, "What are you guys doing?"
We're like, ‘Out, now!”

Karen doesn't need to be in love to
have sex. She just wants to know that
he's going to call, that she's going to see
him again. “I contemplated having sex
with him," she says, “but I would've
had to get out of bed to get a condom,
which meant walking naked in front of
him. So we did everything but. Such a
hotie.”

“But the next morning you didn’t
even talk," Michelle points out.

“I was completely uncomfortable.
What do you say? He's going back to
his school. I knew it was a one-night
thing."

"The last time Karen slept with some-
one, he didn't call. "For five days all I
did was smoke pot and get completely
wasted. I'd pass out on the bathroom.
floor, and I never get that bad. I had
sex with him because he made me feel
petite and beautiful—he knew exactly
what I needed to hear. I wanted to
sleep with him again, not because I
liked him but because I wanted to ex-
periment more. I felt so comfortable
around him."

The rest of the roommates break
through the crowd to where Karen,
Michelle and Brad are sitting. "Hey, I
can get $3 pitchers," Kat says, ready to
use her employee discount. The sighs
of relief are audible. She fills her cup,
waits for the foam to subside and takes
a long, been-in-the-desert drink. Jack,
her fellow bartender and boy toy, is on
her mind. “My relationship situation is
like the economy—it's an ever-growing
deficit No matter how many powerful
men try to change it, it just gets worse.
When I hang out with Jack I smoke ex-
cessively, I gamble. A great influence
on my life. All my roommates are like,
‘Are you nuts? They hate him."

"No, we don't," Liz says. "We just.
think he doesn't appreciate you."

"It's my libido. No matter what the
brain says, it's always the libido. But
I'm starting to like him a lot. I don't.

(centinued on page 161)

ces of getting laid are

ch
better than nine in ten.”

lege where your chances of graduating
your chan

тее. However,

“It’s a coll

are about one in thi

eet the psychologist all the

MAD ABOUT CRISTINA

Cristina Barone works with some of the hardest of Los Angeles’ hard guys. “My job
is scary. H's risky. Ws hard work. Criminals are manipulative. But when you get
through to them—when a macho gang member breaks down and cries—it's also
very rewarding," she says. "Of course, my father wishes I had a nice safe desk job.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

ou do not want to work
with Cristina Barone.
Wanting the doctor her-
selfis another matter en-

tirely: Men of all sorts make

passes at Cristina, a 28-year-old
clinical psychologist. But few of
us would want her job—evaluat-
ing and counseling criminals in
a Los Angeles jail.

In The Silence of the Lambs
Jodie Foster plays an FBI trainee
who is trying to psych out Han-
nibal Lecter. Cristina does it for
real. To help judges decide
which inmates are mentally fit
to stand trial, Cristina must
enter the minds of criminal

Cristina gets real all week at
work (right), then kicks back on
weekends with Rollerblading
and weight training. “I value
both internal and external de-
velopment,” she says. Cristina's
prescription for romance: one
part cognition, one part passion.
"Passion is what separates us
from other animals," she says.

suspects. It's dangerous territo-
ry. Some write letters to the pret-
ty therapist, or ask her out on
dates—after they are released,
of course. In her first months
on the job Cristina learned that
bad men are often narcissistic.
"They'll talk about their sexual
prowess, their conquests, trying
to intimidate her. But she can
handle it. "It gives me some-
thing to work with," she says.
“Even antisocial talk is better
than indifference, which gives
you nothing to work with." But
then who could be indifferent to
her? Raised in Yokohama by her
Japanese mother and U.S. Ma-
rine father, Cristina excelled in
sports as a schoolgirl, then
turned to hitting the books. Af-
ter graduating from California
State University-Dominguez
Hills, she earned a doctorate in
psychology and landed her cur-
rent post. "That's when I decid-
ed I had focused on academics
long enough. It was time to de-
velop my external self." Work-
ing with a personal trainer, she
honed her body to a standard
that matches her intellect. Then,
typically, she challenged her-
self. “Everybody grows up with
PLAYBOY. Now I wanted to be in
it” What Cristina calls “my lat-
est adventure" led her to us.
Here's hoping PLAYBOY readers
react better than most of the
men she dates. “They say Рт
too analytical. OK, I admit that
I need intellectual stimulation.
Is that too much to ask?" Surely
it isn't. For while her talk of be-
haviorism, narcissism and so-
ciopathy may sound like profes-
sional jargon, Cristina’s true
genius is actually quite simple:
She may be the only shrink

whose looks can drive you sane.

Unlucky in love, Cristina has watched her girlfriends “get married, while | keep looking for someone. I've dated Japanese
men, but I was too independent for them,” she says. Califarnia musclemen tend ta he daunted by her vocabulary. “Use a

four-syllable word and they look at you funny.” What to do? "I'm giving it time. Maybe the next man will surprise me.”

P»,

no pads,
no equipment,
no fear.
college rugby
is a badass
subculture of
violence, booze
and stone age sex

article By SHANE DUBOW

TS THE pregame drink-up in

Carbondale, Illinois. The

keg has been tapped, and

the game—as played by
the Southern Illinois University's
Men's Rugby Club on the eve of the
season's last home match—is fast,
formless and, to an outsider, appar-
ently unencumbered by rules, save
one: Your dick must touch skin.
Dick tag. The idea is to penis-poke
an unsuspecting teammate, prefer-
ably in public, ideally while he chats
up a girl. No one announces the
game has begun. But as awareness
dawns, a certain knowing posture
spreads through the room. Players
take to resting exposed hands on
their heads, well above the crotch
zone, an effective defense until the
“it” guy launches himself off some
piece of furniture, pelvis first, fly
open, pink steel puppy on the loose.
Or until a player—uninitiated or
100 wasted to care—sits down.

A rookie, dipping Skoal on the so-
fa in this cramped student house,
has just been tagged. Someone's
flaccid business just brushed his
face. "Fucking fück," he sputters,
wiping his cheek. "What the f
Fucking fag." He is a fresh-faced
newcomer trying to fit in. “It’s dick

ILLUSTRATION BY MIKE BENNY

PLAYBOY

tag,” explains Christian "Kraft" Long,
20. a lanky team favorite who has been
showing me around. The rookie scans
the room, as if searching for more di-
rection, a means to make sense of
what's going on. Which pretty well
sums up what I'm doing too.

Тһе party careens on. Alternative
rock blasts at a volume that blocks
sound from outside. The television
flashes sports highlights. In a locked
first-floor bedroom, Kraft's pal, 28-
year-old player-coach and league disci-
plinarian Conn Ciaccio, watches video
porn. In the kitchen, a crowd of maybe
50 jostles for beer. Thus far, the ques-
tion for the night is "Where's WKU?"
The Hilltoppers from Western Ken-
tucky are tomorrow's opponents. In
rugby, unlike most major collegiate
sports, tradition has it that warring
teams socialize off the pitch—as the
field is called—leaving behind the bit-
ing, fisticuffs and bruising collisions the
sport is known for. Of course, the sport
is also known for its alcoholic excess,
the inclination of its players toward
public nudity, public pugilism and
fierce allegiance to peers in need.

No wonder rugby can seem bewil-
dering. Rugby magazine, perhaps the
sport's premiere U.S. voice, unflinch-
ingly runs items on how to curb game-
time criminal assaults or deal with pub-
lic urination. Notre Dame banned its
rugby team for having naked beer par-
ties and for recording those parties on
videotape. Here in corn country, the
SIU Salukis pull similar stunts. A year
ago, a certain team president managed
to get himself tackled partway through
the wall of a hotel room. Further back,
several players recall a certain road trip
involving a chartered bus and the bus
driver who was abandoned at a gas sta-
tion for suggesting the team couldn't
drink en route. Then there was the
Viking Party that included the decapi-
tation of live chickens. And the ritual
called Flanus, during which stripped
rookies line up on а roof, six feet of toi-
let paper dangling from each naked
butt until the paper is ignited and the
flames climb up. Last to pull out his pa-
per wins. The temptation is to write it
all off as mere insanity, campus crazi-
ness gone too far. But I've come with
a different agenda—to take in rugby
culture, bear witness to its rituals and
attempt to comprehend the codes of
conduct that make it make sense on its
own terms.

First, some background. Rugby, a
19th century British import, is now the
most popular collegiate club sport in
the land. Club sports serve those un-
dergrads unwilling or unable to play
varsity sports. Hence, many clubs act as

repositories for athletic orphans. Rug-
by clubs, in particular, tend to take on a
distinct persona—part fraternity (or
sorority, as the case may be), part do-it-
yourself athletic co-op, typically exist-
ing without the ability to recruit, award
scholarships or even secure a salaried
coach. Almost always, these clubs are
underfinanced and student-run. Al-
most always, they slip beneath the ad-
ministrative scrutiny given NCAA-
sanctioned teams or nationally
chartered Greek societies. At SIU, for
example, no one in the Office of Intra-
mural-Recreational Sports is prepared
to micromonitor a club player's aca-
demic standing. That sort of policing, if
it does occur, is left to the whim of each
club's democracy.

Still, prior to my visit, the Salukis
had been warned. They'd fielded calls
from the regional unions, or rugby
conferences, to which they belong, plus
calls from USA Rugby—the sport's
governing body—the SIU intramural
sports office and the SIU Office of Uni-
versity Relations. A journalist was com-
ing. Best behavior was to be enforced.
Illinois Union president Steve Montez
would arrive to personally referee the
upcoming game. With some 650 colle-
giate clubs and perhaps 25,000 colle-
giate players, an estimated 300,000
U.S. rugby enthusiasts and an annual
growth rate reported to be 30 percent,
the sport has a lot of momentum to
protect, not to mention a lot of long-
standing image problems to combat.
The goal, according to folks at USA
Rugby, is to legitimize the sport and se-
cure more corporate sponsorship, a la
Reebok's recent endorsement of the
U.S. national team. But in the words of
one USA Rugby staffer who asked to
go nameless, “I’m not going to blow
smoke up your ass. At this point, the so-
cial components of the game have be-
come actual parts of the game, like the
third half. The partying and the play-
ing, they're not mutually exclusive.
And we're having a hell ofa time trying
to divorce them.” Or in the words of
coach Conn, speaking to the team’s of-
ficers before my arrival: “This week,
let's just try and be cool.”

So where is WKU? After a five-hour
drive, a handful of “old loads"—recent
team graduates—blows into the party
asking this same thing. Already the
crowd consists of three types: current
players—lots of slanty shoulders and
denim-splitting thighs; social club
members, who merely drink; and
queens, the term used to denote fe-
males of any shape brave or stupid
enough to frequent rugby functions.
Now the old loads enter the mix—
heads bobbing, beers sloshing, high-
fiving all around—and everyone
cheers. Kraft is visibly excited. “These

are the guys," he insists, "who taught
me about college life. They'd be like,
“Shower? Fuck shower, just go out.’
Now, because of these guys, I feel like
I'm part of something, a heritage. I
mean, when I first joined the team, 1
was reserved."

It helps to know some more about
Kraft and Conn. Krafi—tall, loud, his
upper lip pocked with scar tissue from
a drunken fall—is known to be crazy in
the sense that he'll say anything to any-
one. Conn—squat, intense and a disil-
lusioned ex-Marine—is known to be
concerned about keeping the craziness
somewhat contained. Otherwise, they
have more than a few things in com-
mon. Both want to become teachers
Both grew up near Chicago. Both, like
most ruggers I've met, hail from bro-
ken homes. Kraft rarely sees his dad.
“The last time he came down here was
after I'd been in acar crash and was ar-
rested. He said he thought I'd lost a lit-
tle focus and asked what I was going to
do about it. He was at my house, which
had not been cleaned, and there were,
like, mushrooms growing on the kitch-
en floor. I said, ‘I'm going to make
beuer decisions, Dad, and cut down on
my drinking.’ Yeah, like that could
happen."

Conn hasn't seen his father in 29
years. "My dad was in prison. I joined
the Marines to pay for school. I started
playing rugby because I needed some-
thing, an outlet. Also, I think, the team
felt a little like family. But that's pretty
deep stuff for most guys on the team.
And they might have to do some self-
examination to get to that, and that
might be intellectually challenging or
emotionally painful, so they'd just be
like, Let's go kill somebody. Let's ро
drink.”

Kraft and Conn. Whenever the par-
ty consumes them, I orbit the crowd,
stomaching flat suds, dodging bared
foreskin, ignoring the sour smells of
wet chew and cigareue ash—none of
which, along with tomorrow's prom-
ised bloodletting, seems appealing.
Later, when I meet Damian, a former
high school jock, I gain further per-
spective on why anyone would choose
to participate in any of this. “I was
looking to stay in shape,” Damian says.
“I heard everybody makes the team. 1
heard you get to hit people and drink a
lot, and those sounded like things I
could do.”

When the keg runs dry, the party
gravitates toward a local drinking es-
tablishment featuring pool tables, plen-
ty of television screens, a dance floor, a
long bar, two beer troughs, a largely fe-
male staff garbed in short shorts and

(continued on page 142)

"The fangs stay!"

sweaters earn
their stripes and
jeans make the cut
in our fall classic

By the time a date winds down back at.
your dorm, the only fashion issue left
to worry about is the proverbial “Box-
ers or briefs?" Trust us—she wouldn't
be in your roum if you had failed her
image test. She has already scoped
your package from top to butt. What's
the lesson? One bad jacket can ruin
your whole semester. No more grungy
flannel overshirts or Eighties bomber
jackets. Today's outerwear is about
length—at the least, your car coat
should reach your hips. Think func-
tional, too, since some of your best
dates will include a late-night stroll
across campus or an afternoon at the
stadium. V-neck sweaters are back in a
big way, especially when they are tinted
with retro horizontal stripes. Blue is
the jeans color of choice (the darker,
the better), but you'll be faced with a
variety of options when it comes to the
cut. Extra credit: If you want your girl-
friend to keep returning to your room,
you should also know how to throw to-
gether a decent outfit in case she asks
you to a party hosted by the dean.
Good clothes are all about feeling rich
without necessarily having any money.

There's nothing wotered-down about the
quilted nylon jocket by Mossimo (this
page, $195). It hos а happening faux-tur
collar. Underneoth, the young salt is weer-
ing a V-neck wool sweater by Diesel
($119) that has пісе stripe at the collar
ond chest pocket. Khokis ore forever. The
convos pants from DKNY ($85) have been
updated by the oddition of cargo pockets.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JON MOE

This page: A simple strall on the
boardwalk сап be a style showcase.
Note his nonchalant grin as his
hand slides higher on her slim
waist. Somewhere under his napa
leather car coat ($375, from True
Grit) and cotton sweater ($56, from
26 Red), she is reciprocating. His
JNCO wide-leg jeans ($50) have
large pockets und ore best worn
low. It’s an understated look,
enhanced by his sweater's groovy,
vibrant stripes. To top it off, every
hipster under the fall sun will

be wearing a wool floppy hat

from Massimo AXS ($32). And

if you must know, her outfit is

by Spooky and her shoes are

from Kenneth Cole.

This page: Yaur dream girl wants col-
ers thet look gaad enough to eat and
fabrics that are soft and tactile. This
guy's got it going on—front, back and
sideways—in a Fair Isle woal sweater
by Nicole Farhi ($250). Facing page:
Yau can't major in snowbaarding, but
you can look the part. As you earn
your diploma, you con also earn the
respect af yaur female classmates (and
sometimes their grades are the only
ones that count). Our man is wearing
a slalom jacket by Guess ($128). In
keeping with techie trends, it has a ny-
lon shell in high-visibility colors. Un-
derneath is a cotton crewneck sweater
from 525 Made In America ($68). His
navy jeans ore by Jeans Dolce & Gab-
bana ($165). She's looking good in a
jacket by Spooky, a shirt by Chaimpal
Sermimant, a skirt by Kenneth Richard
‘and baots by Betsey Johnson.

BP Ur i

ы өй

Think warm thoughts. Even without a
beautiful companion, you'll be hot in the
killer combo of a peacoat and a denim
jacket worn in place of a long-sleeved
shirt (lefi). Both items are by Polo Jeans
and cost $198 and $85, respectively. His
shiny stretch jeans are a polymide-Lycra
blend from Todd Oldham Jeans ($118).
Long a club favorite, stretch fabrics have
left neon colors behind and entered the
mainstream. So have chunky soles—he's
wearing suede high-top boots by Diesel
($115). Facing page: Don't err by donning
so many layers that she mistakes your belt
buckle for something else. He’s wearing a
velour field jacket with bellows pockets
(5299, from Diesel), a cotton sweater with
chest stripes ($72, from Guess) and indigo
_. carpenter jeans ($65, from Polo Jeans).

WHERE а HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 154,

HAIR BY GABRIEL SARA FOR.
JOHN SAHAG WORKSHOP М.С.
MAKEUP BY LEA SIEGAL FOR MAKEUP.

FORE
WOMEN'S STYLING BY:

'EVER AT NORDSTROM
sm CANNON
FOR JEAN GABRIEL KAUSS

| PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE FICTION CONTEST WINNER
20 + һ
ІН ае кы |
І m Kind

4 Y
LIX

Felt We

Dı

rved

dad's new wife is a drag. her son is a

snitch and her daughter has this habit of

LA
МІ,

А LA y stepbrother Don-
/ | пуз 12th birthday
[| | was all boys and
4 LL Melanie, my stepsis-

ter, I deejayed, but it was no use.
Donny and his friends just
grouped up in a half circle be-
hind the turntable and kept rc-
questing the same three Van
Halen songs. From our spot near
the sink, Melanie and I watched
the boys bump shoulders while
one of them tried jumping into a
half-split in front of the refrigera-
tor. After a while, Melanie got sick
of the Van Halen and told Donny
that his friends had no chance of
ever getting girlfriends if this was
the coolest they knew how to be.
Finally, the boys got bored and
began poking around the house
for some action. A few of them
ended up in the garage fooling
around with my free weights and
looking through Donny's new
Car and Driver, and the rest took
| off behind the pool and started

smoking a joint in the backyard

Melanie wanted to dance now
on the Chattahoochee stone floor
of the screened back patio. She

coming to my room at night. this ain't
the brady bunch

fiction ER Jonathan Blum
UNIVERSITY OF IOWA

was looking tight and nasty, and
she knew I'd want to see her
shake that body. In the bathroom
earlier I had stood aside while
she whipped her hair around
getting ready for the party. She'd
asked me to smell the rose-citrus
perfume on her collarbone and
tell her whether I thought Bobby,
her old boyfriend, would like it. I
put my nose in her moussed hair
оп the way down. She knew I was
in the bathroom to see what she
had on. A black nylon shirt and a
big yellow beach towel. We had
bedrooms across the hall from
each other.

When I wouldn't play the song
she wanted, Melanie went to her
room and called a guy. I could
hear his truck gurgle up to the
house a half hour later She
clapped her heels down the hall-
way tiles and called one of Don-
ny's friends a starved little per-
vert on the way out. The boys
who had been smoking came
back inside and wanted to get in-
to the liquor, but I wasn't about to
let them do that.

"Stop giggling like it's your

ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF CROSBY

As in previous yeors, students in Morsholl Arismon's closs at New York Ci

's illustrious School of Visuol Arts competed to illustrate

the prize-winning story in our College Fiction Contest. This yeor's winner is Jeff Crosby (see illustrotion on the previous роде). Run-
ners-up (this page, clockwise from top left) are Ed Lom, Aileen Boyce, Dong Kwon Yoo ond Teri Sonders.

first time," I said, "and maybe Tl let
you watch some cable."

Our parents came home before the
good movies started. Liz brought a
sheet cake from Publix for Donny, with
a Matchbox car and the number 1? in
blue plastic on the icing. For a present
she had gotten hir a pair of ten-pound
dumbbells, the kind I had told him to
ask her for. Donny's friends wanted
to take their paper plates back outside
to listen to more Van Halen on the pa-
tio. My dad asked where Melanie was.

“I have no idea,” I said.

"What do you mean, no idea?" Liz
said.

"She didn't tell me."

'So she just left?”
“I'm telling you, lady,” my dad said.

“Your daughter is out of control.”

“Listen you, friend. I'll worry about
my daughter. You just keep worrying
about you and your son.”

“Everybody's been partying just fine
without her,” I said.

“That's right,” said the scrawny per-
vert kid who had been hooting at
Melanie.

“Let's enjoy some birthday cake,” Liz
suggested to Donny and all his friends,
“and then Larry and I are going to
have to drive you little guys home.”

Melanie got back about 1:30 and
cuh-clacked cuh-clacked down to her
room. 1 could tell no one in the house
was asleep when she threw her purse

down on her bed. She went into the
bathroom to take off her makeup, and
Liz followed her. They were in there
for a while. Melanie said “Goodnight.
Mom" real loud, and they went back to
their rooms. I could hear Liz creak in-
to bed on the other side of my wall. My
dad wasn't snoring yet. 'The fan was on
but not the air conditioner. I had just a
sheet over me. I was hot.

Melanie waited about ten minutes
before she came to my room. The way
she would do it, she really didn't give a
shit. Melanie in pink heels, heavy step-
ping on the carpet, the collarbone that
Iliked so much, baby bread-roll neck,
acid-wash jeans with fringes along the
seams, the blonde bangs curled with

(continued on page 108)

"Ave we going to make love or just screw?"

NAT

she's a rock-and-roll love song in the flesh

up in Los Angeles and in Mexico City, where her mother was a famed

model. Layla modeled here and in Europe, and last year she made a brief
splash on “Baywatch.” Now movie producers are after her. We cornered her for
an intimate talk in Los Angeles.

[ 1 22, Miss October is ready to be noticed. Layla Harvest Roberts grew

Q: How did you come by your unusual name?

A: My mother was a bit of a hippie. She thought Harvest sounded
pretty. Layla is for the Eric Clapton song—the original, fast version, of
course. I'm lucky Mom had good taste in music; I could have been
named Chicago Harvest Roberts.

Q: You were a cheerleader at Beverly Hills High. Totally cool?

A: I was overweight and weird. They let me be a cheerleader only be-
cause I was a good dancer. Which I still am, by the way.

Q: But you're no longer overweight and weird. What happened?

A: Alicia Silverstone was in my class, and she was already famous. But

An accamplished athlete and horsewaman, Layla has always been physical. She studied martial arts ta get in shape far Hallywaad cast-
ing calls and naw keeps her blaed racing with skiing, skydiving and ather risky sparts—including lave. "I think macho is sexy. I've never
84 ^ been attracted ta passive men,” she says. “| might fantasize about dominating my lover, but 1 want sameane as passianate as | am."

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

"I'm part Cherokee ond port Italian,” says Miss October. High cheekbones ond heated emotions, that's Layla all over. She credits her Si-
cilion fother for some af her passion. But to Layla's regret, he vanished years ago. "Maybe he'll see these pictures ond coll me,” she says.

І was friendless. Finally I decided to be
2 model, like Mom. 1 lost weight, got
noticed by a modeling agent and lived

autiful city, but.

the people were mean and I was home-
ick. That was the end for me as a mod.

el. quit. But then one night in Los An-
geles, I was at a supermarket when a
woman began following me. A lesbian,
I thought. I tried to sneak away, but
she came running up to my car, saying,

m with Elite Models! I think you're
perfect!” I was back in.

Q: Now you're acting and dancing
as well. You appear in the movie The
Good Life with Sylvester Stallone. You
vamped in Aerosmith's latest video.
Why did you want to be a Playmate too?

А: It's every girl's dream, isn’t it?

What film roles do you covet?
In my cartoon fan n Tara,
arrior woman who dresses in knee-
high black boots and not much else.
She is stronger than any man.
Q: How about sexual 2
A: They're pretty much the same.
Jow was it posing nude?
Wonderful. What does nudity
mean? It might only mean I don't have
on my favorite black vinyl lingerie yet.

get closer to Layla, call the Playboy
Super Hotline. See page 153 for details.

"Sex should Бе fun. There should be sweot involved. To tell ihe truth, | like it o little down ond dirty,” Layla soys. “I'm
not into the mushy stuff thot usuclly posses for romance. I’m not the type to soy, ‘Och, | love you, | love you. Let's
hove some nice sweet hugs ond kisses.’ For me, it’s o little more octive.” For Loylo, life ond love are contact sports.

1380120 SSIN

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

— ela
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PLAYBOY'S PAHTY JOKES

The beautiful princess frequently wandered
through the woods searching for an enchanted
frog who might actually be a handsome prince
under a spell. One day she found an excep-
tionally ugly frog. Picking it up, she asked,
“Are you a prince under a spell? If I kiss you,
will you turn back into a prince?”

“Yes, Lam,” the frog said. “But it's a hell of a
spell. It'll probably take a blow job."

What do you call an Amish man with his arm
halfway up a horse's ass? A mechanic.

А Russian was strolling in Moscow when he
accidentally kicked a bottle lying in the street.
A genie appeared. "Hello, master,” it said. "I
will grant you a single wish—anything that you
want."

“Well, I love vodka,” the Russian replied, “so
make my urine turn into vodka." The genie
nodded and then vanished in a puff of smoke.

When the Russian got home he took a glass
from the cupboard and pissed in it. Не sniffed.
It smelled like vodka. Cautiously he raised the
glass to his lips and sipped. It was vodka—the
best he had ever tasted.

“Natasha, come quickly!” he hollered. His
wife ran in and the Russian took another glass
out of the cupboard and pissed into it. He told
her to drink. Natasha took a sip. “Sergei, it's
the best vodka I've ever tasted," she cried. The
two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Russian came home from
work and told his wife to get two glasses out of
the cupboard. He pissed in them. The couple
drank until the sun came up.

On Friday night Sergei came home and sat
at the kitchen table. "Natasha," he bellowed,
"grab a glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka."

His wife brought a glass and set it on the
table. Sergei began to piss in it. Natasha asked.
"Sergei, why only one glass?”

"Because tonight, my love, you drink from
the bottle."

While teaching a course in human sexuality,
an instructor was discussing results published
in the Kinsey Report. The class members
gasped СН when she explained that опе
woman had had several hundred orgasms in a
single session. A male voice said, “Wow, who
was she?"

A female voice followed. “Тһе hell with that
Who was he?”

THIS MONTHS MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: Just
as she was getting over the shock of finding out
that there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Foot-
ball, Kathie Lee was devastated to discover that
Cody is secing another mom

Анет taking his seat on a plane, a business-
man was startled to see a parrot strapped in
next to him. When the man asked the flight
attendant for a cup of coffee, the parrot
squawked, "And while you're at it, get me a
whiskey, you cow!"

"Though insulted, the flustered stewardess
dutifully brought back a whiskey for the par-
rot, but forgot the coffee. As she turned to cor-
rect the omission, the parrot drained its glass
and squawked, "And get me another whiskey,
you bitch."

"The rattled attendant came back with anoth-
er whiskey, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed
to such poor service, the man decided to try
the parrot's approach. "Look," he snapped,
“I've asked you twice for coffee and twice
you've come back without it. Now go get it or
T'I smack you one.”

Moments later both he and the parrot were
wrenched from their seats and thrown out an
emergency exit by two burly stewards. As they
plunged downward, the parrot turned to the
passenger and hollered, “For someone who
can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!”

Сулггтто or uc monti: If a man is walking
alone in the forest and he's talking, but a
woman is not there to hear him, is he still
wrong?

А gentleman farmer had a prize heifer that
was ready to breed. He made arrangements
with a beautiful lady rancher to secure the ser-
vices of her champion stud. When he put his
Е nic quickly proceeded to
do its business. As they stood watching the ac-
tion, the farmer started to feel a little randy
himself. Leaning over to the lady, he whis-
pered, “I wouldn't mind doing a bit of that.”

“Go for it," she replied. "It's your heifer.”

Send your jokes on postcards to Party Johes Editor,
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago,
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com.
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis-
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned.

“We have a face mask violation."

107

PLAYBOY

108

Luxuries (continued from page 92)

Melanie’s fingers moved down the sheet to what was
waiting between my legs. I swallowed my breath.

mousse and sprayed down to her
eyebrows, fat, rolling, sexy, and I
couldn't wait until she would kneel
down in front of my pullout sleeper
and put her elbows on my legs.

“You suck,” she sai

“Whatare you talking about?”

"Im just kidding.”

“What did you do tonight?” I said.

“How much do you want to know?”
she said.

She bit her lip and touched my chest.
І flexed

“Was it Bobby?”

“Bobby’s an asshole.”

“So where'd you go then?”

"Chris' boat.”

“Chris the contractor?”

“He is so cool."

^| thought he lived in the Keys.”

“I told my mom I went to the game.
You better not say anything."

"Your mom's a bitch,” I whispered.

"Oh yeah, and your dad."

We stopped talking and listened
across the wall. Nothing but snoring
and the cricking of bugs outside the
window screen. It was dark in the
room. 1 could not see Melanie's ears
behind her hair. The hair was every-
where, over her shoulders and down to
the tops of her breasts, with smoke,
perfume, beer coming toward me, and
the harbor I could imagine down off
Old Cutler Road.

We didn't start talking again. Some-
thing felt different. Melanie's fingers
moved down the sheet to what was
waiting there between my legs. She
held it there. I swallowed my breath.
She was looking at me, the stupid look,
when her eyes crossed and she looked
like a retard. She had me. I was think-
ing of a 26-foot boat and her sitting at
the bow.

I kept holding still. She had the tip of
her tongue between her lips. Then
Melanie did something no girl did be-
fore. She brought that sheet down and
she tied it around my ankles. I looked
up over my head and saw a lamp.

Melanie said to me, "I can't help my-
self anymore."

“Қо problem," I said.

I wondered what she was thinking
of mine, if it was ugly to her or if she
thought that Chris the contractor's
was nicer or more mature. Afterward,
Melanie was biting her lip again, and
her hair smelled a little like me now,
too.

“I think I love you,” she said.

“You can do that any time you want,"
1 said.
.

The next day was Saturday, and
when I walked into the kitchen for ce-
real, Liz was in her purple quilted robe
and fuzzy slippers, picking at leftover
birthday cake and browsing catalogs
and junk mail. She was a board, no
body, just long and bony like all the
women my dad ever went out with.
Donny sitting next to her with his new
ten-pound iron dumbbells at his feet. T
could hear my dad coming in through
the garage from a run.

“Were there boys smoking marijua-
na cigarettes in this house last night?”
Liz said to me.

“No,” I said.

Donny sat sideways in his chair, fac-
ing the pool.

“Did you see any of the boys here last
night smoking marijuana cigarettes?”

Donny curled a dumbbell with his
right arm. I could tell she had already
questioned him.

“I didn't see anybody doing any-
thing."

“This is my house, Mr. Vince. And
you're an influence on these children.
What in the hell were you doing last
night while we were gone? Dealing
drugs at a birthday party?"

"Whar's your problem, Liz? You al-
ready know what I was doing last
night. I was playing music, like Donny
asked me to.”

"And that's all you know about the
drugs?"

"I don't know what you're talking
about.”

“Well, I think you're a liar"

“Well, I think you're a schnauzer.”

My dad walked into the kitchen in
his blue running shorts. His quads had
some definition. Donny was still look-
ing out at the pool. He knew ifheturned
around and looked at me, I might
come over there and beat his face.

“Donny's friend Todd's mother
called this morning. Todd told her
some of the boys last night went out to
the backyard and smoked marijuana
cigarettes. While we were gone and
your son was in charge.”

My dad was breathing heavily. His
running shoes had mud on the soles.
Swcat was trickling into his headband
and down the hair on his arms to his

wristbands.

"You know about that, Donny?" he
asked, holding up the side entrance to
the kitchen with his hands.

"Donny wasn't involved. This wasn't
all the boys, just some of them."

"Who started it?" my dad asked
Donny.

"She's trying to tell me I gave them
pot," I said.

"Who was in charge?" Liz said to my
dad. "And warch your shoes, please, on
the kitchen floor."

My dad jumped up and started curl-
ing himself on the lintel at the kitchen
entrance. He did one pull-up, then
two. He kept his legs straight. One of
Liz’ framed pictures, with oranges and
grapefruits and a border of white blos-
soms, shook on the wall behind the
table.

"If that breaks.”

“You're hysterical,” my dad said.
“You know that?”

“Get out of my kitchen,” Liz said.
Then she hollered it. “Just get out of
my sight, and take him with you. I
don't want one more day of this."

My dad and I showered and went to
the movies. After that we went looking
for an apartment. We stuck to the area
near Dixie above 136th, near where we
lived. Every manager wanted to rent to
my dad. He had a decent job, and he
brought cash. But my dad couldn't set-
tle on an apartment. Not even the one
that had a sauna, a Jacuzzi, a pool, a
basketball court, a shuffleboard court,
a game room. a security guard and
about 20 fine single women in bikinis
lying out and sipping drinks from fluo-
rescent plastic cups. He just kept say-
ing to me, "One divorce is one thing,
two divorces—it's humiliating."

The next week Liz stopped talking to
me completely. Two words at a time,
most. "My refrigerator!" "My house!" I
could sec that she and my dad were go-
ing to start losing it on each other soon,
but I didn't give a shit. I was working
light construction during the week,
and I was getting big. My upper body
was smoking. Weekends, I would
bench rounds of 180 in the garage and
polish it off with some lats. I kept wish-
ing Liz would lay a finger on me the
wrong way, so I could pick her up with
one fist and crack her over my knee.
Instead, she kept spazzing about little
things. She would come out to the
garage in the middle of my workout
and stretch over me for a broom like
my body was the biggest inconvenience
to her. Or she would come up behind
me in the pantry, wagging a finger, and

(continued on page 165)

Playhoy's Pigskin Previ Шы

Dominating defense gives the Corn-
huskers a chance ta win their third
nationol championship in four years.

college football superpowers are ready to rumble, but there'll be some surprises

sports By Gary Cole Picnty ог
out-of-work college football coaches
would like to wring Gary Barnett's
neck. When Barnett turned moribund
Northwestern into a winner, college
presidents, athletic directors and alums
took a closer look at coaches with los-
ing programs: “If they can become con-
ference champs and media darlings,
what's our problem?"

So Illinois waved goodbye to 2-9
Lou Tepper, Oregon State bid farewell
to 2-9 Jerry Pettibone and Indiana said
adios to 3-8 Bill Mallory. In fact, most
of the 22 so-called resignations or re:
tirements in Division IA could have
been predicted by scanning won-and-
lost records. Fail to get your team to
1500 and/or a bowl game for a couple of
seasons and you'll find yourself inter-
viewing for a special-teams coaching
job at a place where they still travel to
road games in school buses.

But the true measure of the heat on
coaches came with the resignations of
Alabama's Gene Stallings (10-3) and
Notre Dame's Lou Holtz (8-3). Both
brought national championships to
their schools; both finished in the top
25 last year. Both were burned out by
the media, alumni, administrative poli-
tics and outside worries. Holtz had
health problems; Stallings had family
concerns. Each walked away from the
best job of his coaching career.

FLORIDA STATE..........10-1
FLORIDA... — 10-1
NORTH CAROLINA.....1
TENNESSEE...........
NOTRE DAME.............. 10-2
WASHINGTON.............9-2
COLORADO...

LOUISIANA STATE.....
MICHIGAN.....
MIAMI...
OHIO STATE..............
CLEMSON................
STANFORD.................
ALABAMA..................
UTAH... ——À

Possible breakthroughs: Brigham Young,
Auburn, Northwestern, Colorado State,
Virginia Tech, Wisconsin, West Virginia,
Michigan State, Kansas State

All of which makes the achievements
of Bobby Bowden (21 years at Florida
State), Tom Osborne (24 years at Ne-
braska) and Joe Paterno (31 years at
Penn State) more remarkable. The su-
percoaches of the college football
superpowers appear impervious to the
pressures of their profession—because
they just keep winning. All three teams
have the talent to take them to the
championship again this year, depend-
ing on the subtleties of “team chem-
istry” and the bounce of the ball.
There's still no Division IA playoff, and
the Pac Ten and Big Ten, committed to
the Rose Bowl, are not part of the Bowl
Alliance until next season. A split deci-
sion is still possible since sports writers
and coaches, not final scores, will de-
cide the national championship.

While the system for determining a
national champion may be flawed, the
race remains exhilarating. Let's take a
look at the teams as they go to the post.

1. NEBRASKA

The two-year domination of college
football by defending national champi-
on Nebraska ended last season with
stunning losses to Arizona State and
then to Texas in the Big 12 conference
Ше game. Still, che Cornhuskers re-
main a fearsome team. Since taki
over as coach in 1973, Tom Osborne
has missed a top 90 finish only once

109

offense

PLAYBOY'S 1997

| Left to right, top row: Aaron Taylor (67), center, Nebraska; Benji Olson (with cap), guard, Washington;
~ Alan Faneca (66), guard, Louisiana State; Victor Riley, tackle, Auburn; Flozell Adams, tackle, Michi-
gan State. Second row: Peyton Manning (16), quarterback, Tennessee; D'Wayne Bates, receiver,
Northwestern; Cory Wedel, placekicker, Wyoming; Rondy Moss, receiver, Marshall; Ron Dayne (33),
running back, Wisconsin. Bortom row: Bruce Snyder, Coach of thé Year, Arizona State; Hines Ward, re-
ceiver, Georgia; Tim Dwight, kick returner, lowa; Kevin Faulk (3), running back; Louisiana State.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD zui

ALL-AMERICA TEAM `

Left to right, top row: Michael Myers, tackle, Alabama; Charles Woodson, back, Michigan; Grant
Wistrom (98), end, Nebraska. Second row: Brian Simmons (41), linebacker, North Carolina; Jim Wren
(17), punter, Southern California; Andy Katzenmoyer (45), linebacker, Ohio State; Jason Chorak (46),
linebacker, Washington. Third row: Anthony Simmons, linebacker, Clemson; Daryl Bush, Anson Mount
Scholar/Athlete, Florida State; Dre’ Bly, back, North Carolina; Anthony Poindexter (3), back, Virginia.
Bottom row: Daylon McCutcheon (1), back, Southern California; Leonard Little (1), end, Tennessee.

ASCOMMODATIONS PROVIDED BY THE POINTE HILTON RESORT AT TARATIO CLIFFS, PHOENIX, ARIZONA

112

The Playboy All-Americas

PLAYBO!’s College Football Coach of the Year for 1997 is BRUCE SNYDER of Arizona State University. Last
season, Snyder led the Sun Devils to an 11—0 regular secson that included c 19-0 upset of two-time defend-
ing national champion Nebraska. He was the 1996 consensus National Coach of the Year, winning 13 major
awards, induding the Paul “Bear” Bryant Award. Snyder began his head-coaching career at Utah State,
moved to the University of California for five seasons and arrived in Tempe in 1992.

PEYTON MANNING—Ouorterback, 6'5", 222
pounds, senior, Tennessee. Holds virtually
every Volunteers passing record, including ca-
reer possing yards (7362), completions (576)
and touchdowns (53).

RON DAYNE—Running back, 5'10", 261,
sophomore, Wisconsin. Gained more rushing
yords (1863) than ony freshman runner in
NCAA history, despite not joining Badger start-
ing lineup until fifth game of seasc
KEVIN FAULK—Running back, 5'10", 192, ju-
nior, Louisiana State. His 1282 yards were sec-
ond-best rushing season іп LSU history. Fin-
ished number one in SEC in all-purpose yards.
HINES WARD— Receiver, 6'1", 194, senior,
Georgia. Versatile player who has а chance 10
make SEC history by gaining more than 1000
career yards in rushing, receiving and passing
‘ond as kick returner.

D'WAYNE BATES—Receiver, 62", 211, senior,
Northwestern. Set single-season school record
lost yeor with 1196 receiving yards, including
12 TDs.

RANDY MOSS—Rereiver, 6'5", 220, sopho-
more, Marshall. Cought 19 TDs last season, the
most by any freshman in NCAA history. Aver-
aged 34.5 yards per kick return.

AARON TAYLOR— Center, 6'1", 305, senior,
Nebraska. This two-time Playboy All-America
had 17 pancake blocks in four different games.
BENJI OLSON—Guard, 6'4", 310, junior,
Washington, Selected as on AP All-America last
year, а rore feat for 0 sophomore.

ALAN FANECA—Guord, 65", 310, junior,
Louisiona State. First-team All-SEC after
sophomore season. Hos started 23 straight
games for LSU.

VICTOR RILEY— Tockle, 65", 321, senior,
Auburn. Coach Terry Bowden predicts that Riley
will be one of the Tigers’ best-ever offensive
linemen.

FLOZELL ADAMS—Tackle, 67", 330, senior,
Michigan State. Awesome physical player en-
fering his third season os 0 starter.
TIMDWIGHT—Kick returner, 5'9", 185, senior,
lowa. Led Big Ten lost season in punt returns
with 18.9-yord overage. Was also Hawkeyes”
leading receiver, with 51 catches for 751 yards.
CORY WEDEL—Placekicker, 59", 190, senior,
Wyoming. Career field goal record of 40 of 51,
the longest being a 51-yarder lost season. Also.
good on 101 of 102 point-ofter attempts.

MICHAEL MYERS— Tackle, 6'3", 270, senior,
‚Alabama. All-America junior college player in
1994 and 1995 recorded 13 tackles for loss and
eight quarterback sacks for the Tide lost season.
LEONARD LITTLE—End, 63", 247, senior,
Tennessee. Had five tockles for loss and 84
quarterback sacks last season despite missing
four games with a knee injury.

GRANT WISTRON— End, 6'5", 250, senior, Ne-
bruska. Hod 20 tackles for loss und 94 quarter-
back socks last season.

ANTHONY SIMMONS—Linebocker, 61", 220,
junior, Clemson. Set school single-season
record for tackles lost year with 178.

BRIAN SINMONS—Linebocker, 64", 230, se-
nior, North Corolina. Tor Heels Defensive MVP
had 85 tackles (rine tackles for loss) and four
interceptions last season.

JASON CHORAK—Linebacker, 64", 260, se-
nior, Washington. Рас Ten Defensive Player of
the Year. Set Huskies single-season records last
year for quarterback sacks (144) and tackles
for loss (22).

ANDY KATZENMOYER—Linebacker, 6'5", 250,
sophomore, Chio State. Led Buckeyes defense
with 23 tockles for loss and 12 quorterback
sacks.

CHARLES WOODSON— Back, 6'1", 197, junior,
Michigan. Hos ten coreer interceptions and
three fumble recoveries. Also had more than
300 yards rushing and receiving on offense lost
season.

DAYLON MCCUTCHEON-—Bock, 5'11", 175,
junior, Southern California. Had 48 tackles,
three interceptions and a team-best 14 poss
deflections last season. His father, Lawrence,
wos an All-Pro NFL running bock.

ANTHONY РОІМОЕХТЕК— Вок, 6'1", 202, ju-
nior, Virginia. Led ACC defensive backs in tock-
les last season with 98. Also had three blocked
punts ond four interceptions.

DRE’ BLY—Bork, 5'10", 190, sophomore,
North Corolino. Led nation in interceptions
with 11. One of three finalists last year for the.
Thorpe Award.

JIM WREN—Punter, 6'0", 220, senior, South-
ern California. Ranked first in punting in Рас
Ten, seventh nationally with 45.6-yard average
оп 66 punts. Twenty-two of those punts were for
50 yards or more,

(1990). Nothing will change this year.
Two-time Playboy All-America Aaron
Taylor and Eric Anderson lead an awe-
some offensive line, and the I-back duo
of Ahman Green and DeAngelo Evans
will roll up buge rushing numbers.
The feet of quarterback Scott Frost,
which last year found Tommie Frazier's
shoes a bit roomy, have grown some

The defense returns only three start-
ers, but all three—end Grant Wistrom,
tackle Jason Peter and cornerback
Ralph Brown—will be all-Americans
by season's dose. Defensive talent al-
ways runs deep in Lincoln, so Osborne
will find more than adequate answers
for questions at linebacker and in the
secondary. 11-0

3. PENN STATE.

Too bad someone can't bottle what-
ever it is that drives Penn State coach
Joe Paterno. Among his accomplish-
ments are four undefeated seasons,
two national championships, a career
record of 289-74-3 and a reputation
for integrity. Joe was a veteran head
coach at Penn State before any of his
current players were born. And he
seems to be getting better. Thirteen
starters return from last year's 11-2
team that trounced Texas 38-15 in the
Fiesta Bowl, including running back
Curtis Enis, linebackers Aaron Collins.
and Jim Nelson, guard Phil Ostrowski
and receiver Joe Jurevicius, all of
whom have all-star potential. Paterno
has tabbed fifth-year senior Mike Mc-
Queary as the likely successor to grad-
uated quarterback Wally Richardson.
Having Ohio State and Michigan at
Happy Valley and having no confer-
ence championship game to contend
with gives Joe a good shot at yet anoth-
er national title. 11-0

3. FLORIDA STATE

Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de
León wasted time and energy search-
ing Florida for the fountain of youth.
He should have tried Bobby Bowden's
house. The irrepressible 67-year-old
with a 270-80-4 career record, the
preacher man who has led his beloved
Seminoles to ten straight seasons with
ten or more wins, has lost none of his
enthusiasm: "I'm probably as excited
this year as I've ever been about a
team." One reason is the phenomenal
recruiting class headed to Florida
State, a group that includes USA Today
Offensive Player ofthe Year Travis Mi-
nor, USA Today Defensive Player of the
Year David Warren and 16 Parade All-
Americans. Bowden is also excited
about the Seminoles’ quarterback situ-
ation. Senior Thad Busby will be chal-
lenged by sophomore Dan Kendra and
95-year-old Chris Weinke, a high
school quarterback prodigy who has

"I thought maybe if I ended up on the cutting room ‚floor, I could
avoid ending up on the cutting room floor.”

113

PELEA ХАНОВ.

114

been playing minor league baseball the
past five years. Of course, optimist
Bowden does not dwell on his prob-
lems, which include replacing graduat-
ed Warrick Dunn and two All-America
defensive ends. FSU returns lineback-
ers Sam Cowart (who missed all of last
season with a knee injury) and Daryl
Bush, Playboy's Anson Mount Schol-
ar/Athlete. Last year, Florida State beat
Florida in the regular season finale on-
ly to have to play them again less than
five weeks later in the Nokia Sugar
Bowl. Bowden dreaded the rematch
and his worst fears were realized when
Florida prevailed 20 and won the
national championship. But if the un-
likely double matchup should happen
again, the Gators may have reason
to worry. 10-1

4. FLORIDA

What is it about Florida coach Steve
Spurrier that rubs some people the
wrong way? Ego? Arrogance? Spurrier
even managed to get under the skin of
Southern gentleman Bobby Bowden
when he played mind games with Sug-
ar Bowl officials by claiming Florida
State played dirty against Gator quar-
terback Danny Wuerffel. Being kings
of the hill after winning last season's
national championship, not to mention
four consecutive SEC titles, will not
make Spurrier and the Cators any
more popular. Uncharacteristically,
Florida will need its defense to carry it
through the first half of this season
while a new quarterback, sophomore
Doug Johnson, learns the ropes. De-
fensive tackles Ed Chester and Reggie
McGrew are ferocious. Linebacker John-
ny Rutledge was a Butkus finalist last
year zs a sophomore. While defense
will rule early, Spurrier has never failed
to develop an explosive offense. This
year will be no different. 10-1

5. NORTH CAROLINA

Long a perennial contender for col-
lege basketball's national champion-
ship, North Carolina is ready to run for
the magic ring in football. Coach Mack
Brown bas consistently improved the
Таг Heels’ grid program since һе ar-
rived in Chapel Hill nine years ag:
Last season Carolina finished 10-2, ii
cluding a 20-13 Gator Bowl win over
West Virginia. Nine starters return
from that defensive team (which was
rated number two in the nation), in-
cluding Playboy All-Americas Dre’ Bly
and Brian Simmons, plus defensive
end standout Greg Ellis. On offense,
quarterback Chris Keldorf returns af-
ter suffering an ankle fracture toward
season's end, as does Oscar Davenport,
who capably replaced Keldorf in that
Gator Bowl win. A group of excellent
receivers and some talent and experi-

ence in the offensive line are anchored
by senior center Jeff Saturday. Brown
must replace graduated four-year
starter Leon Johnson at running back,
but there isa line of talented and eager
candidates. 10-1

6. TENNESSEE

To the delight of every football fan in
Tennessee, two-time Playboy All-Amer-
ica Peyton Manning decided that he'd
rather be a college football hero for an-
other year than join the annual parade
of pregraduate instant NFL million-
aires. Despite owning virtually every.
passing record in Vol history, Manning
wants to tend to some unfinished busi
ness, such as beating Florida and
ning an SEC—and perhaps a nation-
al—championship. To accomplish that
task, Tennessee has to find a strong re-
placement for graduated tailback Jay
Graham. And the Volunteers’ defense,
led by Playboy All-America end
Leonard Little, Yes to improve from
good to dominating. Away games at
Florida and Alabama, plus the looming
SEC championship game on December
6, make Manning's dream daunting,
though not impossible. 10-1

7. NOTRE DAME

Lou Holtz, wearied and worn ош by
the pressure of coaching at the nation’s
number one college football program,
stepped down, saying, "I cannot give
an adequate answer for my resignation
except that I felt it was the right thing
to do. I have placed my life in God's
hands." God responded by landing
Holtz a Saturday afternoon spot on
CBS television as a college football ana-
lyst. Meanwhile, back in South Bend,
the Irish tried unsuccessfully to hire
NU's Gary Barnett, then settled for
Holtz assistant Bob Davie. Apparently
unfazed at being second choice, Davie
assembled an all-new coaching staff,
persuaded quarterback Ron Powlus to.
stick around fora fifth year and landed
a dynamite recruiting class. One of the
reasons Powlus stayed was to play in
the pro-set offense of new coordinator
Jim Colletto, former coach at Purdue,
an offense that should showcase Pow-
lus’ potential to NFL scouts. The Irish
offensive line is awesome, particularly
junior guard Mike Rosenthal. Running
backs Autry Denson and Jamie Spen-
cer will balance the aerial attack. If the
largely untested defense plays well,
Irish eyes will be smiling. 10-2

8. WASHINGTON

With the return of quarterback
Brock Huard, an assortment of menac-
ing types on both sides of the line and
explosive running back Corey Dillon,
coach Jim Lambright figured his team
was set for a shot at the national cham-

pionship. Then Dillon took an early
exit to the NFL, leaving a gaping hole
in the Huskies’ offensive scheme. Lam-
bright, who has done one of the best
coaching jobs in the nation since taking
over for UW legend Don James, hasn't
given up. Dillon got his chance last sea-
son when starter Rashaan Shehee was
injured. Now Shehee, fully recovered,
replaces Dillon. The defense, led by
Playboy All-America linebacker Jason
Chorak, should be at least as stingy as
last year’s. The Huskies will shoot for
the national championship but will set-
tle for the Rose Bowl. BE

9. COLORADO.

Surfer turned quarterback turned
coach Rick Neuheisel says that despite
leading the Buffaloes to two consecu-
tive 10-2 seasons, he's still learning. "A
year ago I said our goal was to win the
national championship. That wasn't re-
alistic," admits Neuheisel. The Big 12
conference alignment should have
been a clue, because the Buffs are stuck
in the North Division, the eminent do-
main of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, a
team Colorado hasn't beaten since
1990. Neuheisel is plotting more quiet-
ly this ycar. John Hessler, who replaced
now-graduated Koy Detmer when he
was injured, should excel at quarter-
back. Although all-conference receiver
Rae Carruth is gone, lightning-quick
Phil Savoy returns. The ground game,
led by running back Herchell Trout-
man with guard Melvin Thomas up
front, should also be stronger. Count
on a stubborn defense, especially with
tackles Ryan Olson and Viliami Mau-
mau ruling the line. With a brutal
schedule featuring that end-of-the-sea-
son showdown with the Huskers, Neu-
heisel predicts only that his team will
“play its best.” 9-2

10. IOWA

lowa coach Hayden Fry gets better
with age. Eight victories and a bowl win
two years ago reduced criticism that
the game had passed him by. Nine wins
and an Alamo Bow! whitewash of Tex-
as Tech (27-0) last season silenced the
remaining doubters and guarantee
that Fry could lead the Hawkeyes into
the millennium. The granite-chinned
coach, meanwhile, thinks this year’s
team could be one of his best, despite
the loss of running back Sedrick Shaw
and a few defensive standouts. Reason?
The Hawkeyes return starter Matt
Sherman at quarterback (5200 yards
and 32 TDs passing in three seasons),
an experienced offensive line and
Playboy All-America Tim Dwight, a
game-breaker as a kick/punt returner,
wide receiver or running back. And
Fry thinks Shaw's replacement, Tavian

(continued on page 144)

“IF 1 told people my fantasies,” Joan Severance once con-
fessed to us, "they'd lock me away.” Not а chance—the world
needs as many Joans as it can get. The free-spirited siren
from Texas played a wicked seductress on TV's Wiseguy,

PLAYBOY GALLERY

then appeared in movies opposite, among others, Mel Gib-
son and Hulk Hogan. She graced rLAYboY's pages twice.
This portrait ran in November 1992, just as Joan was heat-
ing up Zalman King's Showtime scorcher, Red Shoe Diaries.

115

CAN'T AFFORD TO PARK A FERRARI
ORA PORSCHE IN YOUR GARAGE?

NO PROBLEM. JUST PUT €
ONE ON YOUR WRIST AN

Eberhard's stainless steel,
automatic winding chrono-
graph is dedicated to racing TAG-Heuer has reintroduced
legend Tazio Nuvolari ($3360 the 1964 Carrera chrono-
including a crocodile band), graph, named for the Car-
fou. rera Mexicana race and an
earlier Heuer watch ($2300).

The Omega Speedmester is
endorsed by Formula One
race champion Michael Schu-
macher (about $1450 with a
red leather band).

Momo Design’s new Car-
bon Fiber Sport watch re-
sembles a racing car
dash. Its steel case can
take great stress ($595).

Chopard's 1000 Mille Miglia
chronograph commemorates
the 1000-mile Italian race
that runs from Brescia to
Rome to Brescia (52250).

First a great car, and now a
great namesake watch. The
Boxster Chronograph by
Porsche Design comes with a
Stainless steel case (5690).

It's the real thing. Ferrari
Memorabilia's numbered
Cartier chronograph was

made under a contract by

Ferrari himself (52500).

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO.
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 154.

118

dmit it, you've hummed along with Hanson to MMMBop and sung the words to the

Spice Girls’ Wannabe, two summer songs that filled the airwaves even before summer

started. Catchy as this music is, we don't think it's the next big thing. Electronic mu-

sic has no legs, despite the Chemical Brothers and Moby. Disco reared its head for a

minute, too (thanks to the return of the Bee Gees), but it won't last. So what will last?

That's for you to tell us. As you can see, we've moved the Poll into our college issue,
but that means some guesswork is involved. The easy choices—U2, Wu-Tang Clan, LeAnn Rimes,
Herbie Hancock—are covered, but in some categories you'll find only a write-in spot. We've added a
new category, Single, so you can reward that humming. We've done away with Veejay, but we've
beefed up our Hall of Fame. So get ready, crank up something old—like the Wallflowers—or some-
thing newer—like Matchbox 20—and get going. You'll find the Poll again on Playboy's Web site
(www.playboy.com) if your mouse is mightier than your pen.

The Ballet

Here is your 1997 Jazz & Rock Poll Ballot. Please check the box next to your favorite in each cat-
egory or write in your choice. Then slap a stamp on the attached envelope and mail it in no later than
October 15, 1997. We'll get back to you with the winners in the spring.

ajay цовјәр

MALE VOCALIST
(Beck

(Bono

TJ John Fogerty
ГІ Ed Kowalczyk
[J Paul McCartney
{2 John Mellencamp
OF

Û Sting

[Г] James Taylor

П Steven Tyler

MEX

FEMALE VOCALIST
ГІ Meredith Brooks
О Tracy Chapman
C] Paula Cole

O Shawn Colvin
CI Sheryl Crow

U Ani DiFranco

[Г] Celine Dion

Û Jewel

O Sinéad O'Connor
(J Tina Turner

саа)

GROUP

(Bush

TJ Foo Fighters

O Live

Г] Luscious Jackson
O Dave Matthews Band
Û Rolling Stones

О Smashing Pumpkins
J Spice Girls

002

O Wallflowers

SED

INSTRUMENTALIST
О Chemical Brothers
C Buddy Guy

( Mickey Hart

{2 Jonny Lang

{2 John Popper

Û Trent Reznor

[Г] Keith Richards

П Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Û Jimmie Vaughan
O Chris Whitley

ALBUM

Œ Bringing Down the
Horse—Wallflowers

Г] Ixnay on the Hombre
— Offspring

О Lie to Me—Jonny Lang

Û Living in Clip
—Ani DiFranco

ІП Nine Lives—Aerosmith

1] Pieces of You—Jewel

П Pop—U2

ІП Razorblade Suitcase
— Bush

| ] Recovering the
Satellites
—Counting Crows

J Wildest Dreams
—Tina Turner

SED

712.2

MALE VOCALIST
O Tony Bennett
C] Kurt Elling

П Jon Hendricks
[J Al Jarreau

O Kevin Mahogany
O Bobby McFerrin
О Jimmy Scott
O Frank Sinatra
П Mel Tormé

U Joe Williams

FEMALE VOCALIST
(Dee Dee Bridgewater
O Betty Carter
(Rosemary Clooney
П Shirley Horn
Ока. lang

O Abbey Lincoln

П Carmen Lundy

O Dianne Reeves

O Diane Schuur

O Cassandra Wilson

INSTRUMENTALIST
O Ray Anderson
O Wessell Anderson
U James Carter

П Cyrus Chestnut
П Herbie Hancock
O Joe Lovano

Û Wynton Marsalis
О Leon Parker

Û Joshua Redman
[1 Max Roach

GROUP

O Gato Barbieri

Û Ornette Coleman and
Prime Time

П Eight Bold Souls

ГІ Bela Fleck and

the Flecktones

O Charlie Haden
and Pat Metheny

Û Roy Hargrove's Crisol

O Charlie Hunter Quartet

O Jazz Passengers

O Mingus Big Band

[Г] Henry Threadgill

ALBUM
П Beyond the Missouri Sky
— Charlie Haden &
Pat Metheny
U Blood on the Fields
—Wynton Marsalis and
the Lincoln Center
Jazz Orchestra
Г] Doc Cheatham
& Nicholas Payton
Û Complete 1961 Village
Vanguard Recordings
—John Coltrane
Û Guitar Trio
—Paco De Lucia/Al Di
Meola/John McLaughlin
Live in Australia, 1959
—Frank Sinatra With
the Red Norvo Quintet
O Messenger
—Кип Elling
{2 Nouveau Swing
— Donald Harrison
01 1—Wayne Shorter
and Herbie Hancock

П Rendezvous
— Cassandra Wilson and
Jacky Terrasson

Û Silent Pool
— Marian McPartland

detach here

CONCERT

Playboy Jaza. 8; Rock toll

( Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band D

OH.O.R.D.E. | ost
Û House of Blues Smokin’ Grooves Tour | 5 <ш
C] Lilith Fair | арт

LL] Lollapalooza |

C Dave Matthews Band |

О Ozzfest |

O Rolling Stones |

C] Tina Turner/Cyndi Lauper |

SED |

Ей

SOUND- |

TRACK |

О Batman & Robin |

J Gridlockd |

Ol Jerry Maguire |

(Love Jones

[1 Меп in Black |

П My Best |

Friend's Wedding 1

O Romeo & Juliet !

7 (Y The Saint |

4 О Selena |

[J Space Jam |

Р.О. Вох 11236
Chicago, Illinois 60611

| ЕТІ of FAME

С) Tony Bennett
О James Brown
C Johnny Cash
| П Sam Cooke d
i О Aretha Franklin
! О Marvin Gaye

Ol Dizzy Gillespie
(JAI Green

Û Merle Haggard
U Jerry Lee Lewis
Û Joni Mitchell
( Van Morrison

O Charlie Parker
OF

ÛÛ Smokey Robinson
О Tina Turner

ÛJ Jackie Wilson

detach here

| SINGLE

alay u»ejap

SdO'l3AN3 NUNL3Y

RB, BIR?

MALE VOCALIST O sw
U Babyface UI Tony Toni Tone
П Warren б O Wu-Tang Clan
O Montell Jordan
OR Kelly SEX
O Maxwell
Q Curtis Mayfield ALBUM
(Nas Û The Art of War—
П Notorious B.I.G. Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Û Keith Sweat П Baduizm—Erykah Badu
О Luther Vandross О The Day—Babyface
UI EV3—En Vogue
SED U Greatest Hits—Al Green
ЮО House of Music
FEMALE VOCALIST — Tony Toni Tone
O Aaliyah (One іп a Million
П Erykah Badu —Aaliyah
О Mary J. Blige O Wu-Tang Forever
O Toni Braxton —Wu-Tang Clan
C] Foxy Brown О Your Secret Love
О Patti LaBelle — Luther Vandross
Û Lil Kim
Û Monica 42%
(А Ann Nesby
O Crystal Waters
SEX
GROUP
( Blackstreet
(2 Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
П Boyz Il Men
П En Vogue
ÛJ Kirk Franklin and
the Family ч
П Ginuwine к

0112

COUNTRY
FEMALE VOCALIST OJ Lonestar
ГІ Mary Chapin Carpenter (2) Mavericks
(O Deana Carter О Ricochet
Q Faith Hill E Sawyer Brown
O Alison Krauss [ГГ] Sons of the Desert
Q Lorrie Morgan
Û LeAnn Rimes ر‎
( Pam Tillis
Û Tanya Tucker ALBUM
ÛJ Lee Ann Womack ETE
vacuna (Did | Shave My Legs
as for This?—Deana Carter
O Dreamin’ Out Loud
MALE VOCALIST — Trace Adkins
a em Adkins a Everybody Knows
Û Garth Brooks —Trisha Yearwood
L] Mark Chesnutt I Everything | Love
il —Alan Jackson
5 un Ера | O Live at the Cimarron
d КЕКЕ Ballroom—Patsy Cline
O Tim McGraw O Rumor Has It
L] Kevin Sharp —Clay Walker
O George Strait C The Songs of Jimmie
Г] Dwight Yoakam Rodgers: A Tribute—
Various Artists
En Unchained Melody/The
Early Years
—LeAnn Rimes
Шала ÛJ What 1 Do the Best
ГІ Big House —John Michael
ГІ BR5-49 Montgomery
Brooks & Dunn
Q

Û Little Texas

“Tt restores one's faith in human kindness to know there's still one doctor in this city
who can find time to make house calls!”

123

ТЕА gen

any writers have tried to put actress

Téa Leoni into words. The 31-year-
old star of NBC's “The Naked Truth” (now
in its third season) has been called “a combi-
nation of sex appeal and banana peel”;
“gorgeous and game, the kind of girl a
Philip Roth character would go crazy for";
“Lucille Ball meets Sharon Stone” and a
“screwball heroine for the Nineties.” Though
all accurate, they still fail to capture the
whole package. It's not just thal she’s sexy,
though she is. It’s not just that she knows her
way around а golf course, though that’s
true, too. Leoni's indescribability is what has
everyone hooked. Leoni has played in TV
shows as diverse as the pilot for ‘Angels '88"
(a revived "Charlie's Angels") and the sit-
com “Flying Blind,” as well as in movies
such as “Bad Boys,” “Flirting With Disas-
ter” and the forthcoming “Deep Impact,” yet
showbiz may not know quite what to do with
her. But everyone, clearly, wants to do more.
We seut Contributing Editor David Ren-
sin—who once played a round of golf with
the actress and received good advice about
his swimg—to see what Leoni had to say for
herself. Says Rensin, “Any time she needs a
golfing companion, Pan anailable”

PLAYBOY: You just got hitched to David
Duchovny. Was it tough to keep a ce-
lebrity marriage from the media?
LEONI: For the wedding ceremony, we
tried to be as tricky as we could be. But.
David's fake mustache was obviously a
bad idea when we went for the mar-
riage license. We thought about having
me wear it, but I passed. I did wear a
hat, but I got hot. Whar's most difficult
about being so private is that you piss
off a lot of friends. It's an odd thing.
We were so ex-
H cited that we
tv's proto wanted to tell

dame gives everyone, but I
couldn't bring.

usthenaked myself 10 say,
“Yeah, we are

truth about getting mar-
h tial ried, but could
er nuptials, you not tell
anybody?”

her insecuri- That ara
H a as rude and
liesandoj.s presumptuous
а and egotistical.
pathetic golf So we said
д nothing except
swing to those who

would be pres-
ent, and we de-
cided to deal

PHOTOGRAPHY BY © WAYNE STAMBLER

with everyone else later. Does this
sound like an apology? I guess it is. In
the end, I couldn't keep it a secret, any-
way. The only nonfamily people 1 told
were my gynecologist, my lawyer and.
my shrink—and they were all legally
bound to keep their mouths shut.

PLAYBOY: We all saw the tabloid wed-
ding photos. Will they be part of your
wedding album?

LEONI: [Laughs] No. The funniest thing
is that afterward someone from a tab-
loid called our manager with an offer
of $250,000 for a picture from the cer-
emony. We thought, Hey, let's do it.
Let's send it in. $250,000! All right.
Let's give it to my brother, who clicked
off a few rolls. But we didn't do it. I
wish the tabs had offered to send us a
few of their pictures, because ours
didn't come out that well. No one in
the family is a professional photogra-
pher. It's so horrible because you can't
really go back. It's lost. On the other.
hand, I've always been of the school
thar says yon shonld never take ріс-
tures on vacation because then you
don't really pay attention. You're tak-
ing the picture like you'll pay attention
later when you get the film back. If you
don't have a camera you have to really
eat it up and be there in the moment.
So given the circumstances, it worked
out because we were very attentive to
the moment. I really don’t miss that
there are no photos. Besides, 1 won't
have to look at them years from now
and say, "Boy, was I thin then."

PLAYBOY: Where аге you registered?
Describe your discussions about bed
linens. Satin, flowered, geometric or
plain white?

LEONI: We're not registered. We're old.
The trousseau has already been un-
packed. We love golf things, though, so
we wanted gifts like days on the course.
If I were to imagine a conversation
about household items and linens, I'd
guarantee we wouldn't mention white.
White is like a page that will tell a story.
I don’t think you want your linens to
talk. And I've never really been one for
the virginal routine. David, thank God,
isn't into the brown-and-navy satin of
bachelordom—the sheets you think
you have to change only once a month.
Also, when you sleep on satin sheets—
which I once did—your toenails snag.
No matter how well pedicured your

feet are, there is something about satin
sheets that makes them grab at you. If
you have a scab on your elbow, satin
sheets will rip it off. So, no white, no
satin, no flowers and no geometrics.
Aw, hell, I guess we'll just sleep on the
floor.

PLAYROY: What does The Naked Truth
have that other sitcoms are missing—
besides a provocative title?

LEONI: Sexuality for women. There was
a period in the Seventies and Eighties
when women felt they had to give up
their sexuality to compete in a man's
world. I saw that reflected on televi-
sion. We got asexual female characters.
1 believe sexuality is at least good for
a laugh, especially when its use back-
fires. So I wanted to play a character
who wasn't afraid to put her best leg
forward. I told this to writer Chris
Thompson and he came up with The
Naked Truth. 1 thought it was great. Ac-
tually, anything with the word naked in
itis.

The title itself а story. ARC wanted
Wild Thing. Not on your life was that
going to happen. “Well, see, her name
is Nora Wilde, and she's kind of wild,
soit could be Wild Thing. And we'll play
that song. Who did that song?” That
wasn't a fun meeting, but for the ten
minutes immediately following, in the
parking lot, we laughed our asses off.

Б.

PLAYBOY: You've said that Nora Wilde
has better breasts than you. Care to
elaborate?

LEONI: I think it's a statement that
stands on its own, don't you? But OK:
She exploits her breasts better than I
do. She has much more expensive lin-
gerie, and those bras can do amazing
tricks. That's it, really. I haven't seen
her in the shower, so I can't be any
more specific.

PLAYBOY: Big lips are the rage. Yours
are svelte. Are you the harbinger of the
Lip Lite decade? What can thin lips do
that thick lips can't?

Leoni: I’m certainly not the tight lip.
Perhaps the articulate lip, not that what
comes from my lips is always that clear.
But imagine if 1 had those bee-stung,
floppy things sort of smacking away at
the front of my mouth. . . . Oh hell, that
sounds like pure envy, and, by golly, I
think it is! I (continued on page 156)

125

126

why study when you can work on critical social skills?
a definitive guide to campus watering holes

By Larry Olnsted

NFORTUNATELY, the best part of a college education is not included in

the tuition. The facts of life are learned not in a classroom but in a col-

lege bar. Whether it was your first date, your first drink or your first

college sex, a bar probably figured in prominently. And why not? If

college is a new home for four years, then the college bar is a home
away from a home away from home. Long after the memories of Catullus and cal-
culus fade, the images of the college bar burn vividly. What makes a great college
bar? Atmosphere. Friendly service. Low prices.

Beyond the Wall, a campus marketing firm that for years has helped students
decorate dorm rooms and frat houses with ad posters, recently conducted a na-
tional survey to find the top college bars. Students were called randomly at 150
campuses and thousands more participated in online voting (www.beyondthe
wall.com). The result is eLAvBov's first-ever list of America's Top 100 College Bars.

These are the places where America's youth spend their college years, killing
time between classes or, in many cases, during classes. Students remember their
favorite bars well, because they often spend more time in them than in the library.
Early-afternoon happy hours draw students straight from the lecture halls.
Theme nights prevail, creating the feel of perpetual Saturday. How can a Tuesday
study session compete with two-for-one margaritas and free tacos?

Bargains are big draws at college bars, since many students are on limited bud-
gets. Twenty-one-year-olds like free food and cheap drinks. If cheap is better, then
many of these hundred haunts fit the bill. In New Orleans, where bars seem to
outnumber residents, Waldo's Bar stands out for its signature penny pitchers. A
$5 cover allows beer drinkers to quench an entire table’s thirst, one cent ata time.
It makes it easier to party hearty.

The résumés of Julie Hazimi and Mike Bush include hard partying as under-
grads at Indiana University. Two years after graduation, they became general
managers at the famed Touchdown Café at the University of Michigan in Ann Ar-
bor. "It was always popular, but since we've been here it has become the hot col-
lege bar,” says Mike. “We put on some sick drink specials, like dollar pitchers.
We'll sometimes have a line of 200 people out the door. Students come here be-
cause they know they're going to have a good time.”

ILLUSTRATION BY ARNOLO ROTH

128

Like many classic college bars, the Touch-
down is decorated with collegiate memorabil-
ia. Hazimi and Bush went one step further
and replaced the barroom floor with bench
seating from the school's original football sta-
dium. Now students can spill their drinks on a
part of school history. And the Michigan fight
song is on the jukebox so they can blare it after big
plays in televised games.

What's іп a name? Many college bars draw from their
school affiliation, such as Clemson's Tiger Town Tavern,
Wisconsin's Kollege Klub and Cal State University-North-
ridge's College Inn. Rulloff’s, near Cornell, is a college bar
that incongruously combines a decor of ornately carved
wood with cheap pitchers of Rolling Rock. It was named af-
ter a murderer whose brain is on display in the school's psy-
chology department, à la Young Frankenstein

Rulloff's loyalist David Kelsey mentions the flexibilities of
the bartenders. "They'll make any drink. I remember trying
a cement mixer—vodka and milk—and nearly throwing

BEST

Appalachian State University

Clemson University

up." That's a fact of college bars: You may have
had your first drink there, but for many odd li-
Eg bations, you also had your last—or so you
swore. How often do you pour yourself a shot
of Jágermeister at home? Mix up a sex on the
beach? Drink boilermakers or oyster shooters?
College bars are big on drinking games. You
don't stroll into a posh martini lounge and see people
playing quarters. The sounds of dice hitting the table in a
game of Mexican, or cards flipping in Up the River, Down
the River, can be heard only near campuses. Here, students
hone their manual skills bouncing quarters off tables that
have been engraved with graffiti over several decades. These
taverns are where the big games are watched, relationships
are started and birthdays and future employment are cele-
brated. Paul Ryan, co-owner of Smokey Joe's at the Univer-
sity of Pennsylvania, has the right attitude: “We love it. This
bar has been on campus since Prohibition. Some college bar
owners think the kids are a pain in the ass. Not us."
Here, alphabetically, are America's Top 100 College Bars.

BARS

Louisiana State University

CARIBBEAN CAFÉ TICER TOWN TAVERN SPORTS OF TICERLAND
Arizona State Cleveland State University Loyola University of New Orleans
BALBOA CAFÉ RASCAL HOUSE SALOON WALDOS BAR
a q i i Marquette University
Auburn University Colorado State University j
С, 5
THE WAR EACLE TONY'S BAR AND GRILL E
SUPPER CLUB Cornell University Miami University (Ohi
RULLOFFS ica mi University (Ohio)
Boston College FIRST RUN
THE KELLS OF BOSTON East Carolina University Michigan State University
Bowling Green State University THE ATTIC RICKS AMERICAN CAFÉ
JUNCTION BAR & GRILL Florida State University Mississippi Al As
E ippi State University
California State BURA SEES INGO RICKS CAFÉ
University-Chico Illinois State University North Carolina State University
RILEYS BAR & GRILL PUB II CANTINA
California State Indiana University Northern Arizona University
E E KILROYS ON KIRKWOOD CABO CANTINA
СА indiana Northern Illinois University
California State Pennsylvania MOLLYS
University-Northridge WOLFENDALES Ohio State University
io State Unive:
THE COLLEGE INN towa State University OUT-R-INN
California State PEOPLES BAR & CRILL " AES
с г Ohio University
кену асыш James Madison University NICHT COURT
STINGERS SPORTS PUB JMS BAR €: GRILL
5 e а 2 Old Dominion University
Catholic University of America Johns Hopkins University 4400 CAMPUS CLUB
ER БЕРИДЕ TRES RUD) Oregon State University
Central Michigan University Kansas State University PEACOCK TAVERN
SHABOOM PUB CLUB RUSTYS LAST CHANCE Caos
Central Missouri State University Kent State University University
STAR BAR RAYS PLACE THE CINCERBREAD MAN

(concluded on page 155)

ES =.

STIER
SIE

"It's my husband! They must have scratched his last race!”

129

130

COTBALL, basketball and an inability to count are what the

Big Ten is all about. After all, as most NCAA fans know,

this collegiate juggernaut is actually made up of 11 institu-

tions, each one scrappier than the next on the gridiron
and on the hardwood. But that’s just sports. When it comes to
the conference’s prettier, off-the-field stars, the Big Ten deserves
a big 10. Winding its way through eight Midwestern states, Big
Ten country guards the Great Lakes with its sprawling, woodsy
campuses. When we last visited the heartland conference, in Oc-
tober 1991, it had just welcomed its 11th sister, Penn State. At the
time we wondered if the Nittany Lions’ arrival would drive up
the division's property value—not to mention its beauty factor.
Indeed it did. But six years later, we thought we'd take another
look, We sent Contributing Photographers David Chan and
David Mecey to recapture the Big Ten's unforgettable scenery.
How did they fare? According to Senior Photography Editor
Jim Larson, our two Davids were coed magnets: “More than 675
girls tried out, including about 100 each at Indiana and Michi-
gan. And you wouldn't believe how many students made refer-
ences to Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, saying, ‘I want
to be just like them." Lucky for us, many were. Turn the page.

Laundry doy never looked so good. At right, meet a rough-and-tumble-
dry foursome from Michigan State. From left to right: Business mojor
April Reesling is on the dean’s list and is a member of the Honor Soci-
ety for International Scholars, Minnesoto native Alissa Arnold swims
competitively and wants to become on exercise physiologist, globe-trat-
ter Shonnon Yates olready has mode waves os bath a Miller girl ond a
Howoiion Tropic model and future teacher Kelli Kemsley works os a
woitress (she can't stand customers who don't tip ct least 15 percent).
Above is Wisconsin senior Jessico Monroe, who enjoys flowers, danc-
ing ond thunderstorms. Headed for a career in business odministra-
tion, Jessico recently hod оп internship at Americorps in Milwaukee.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID MECEY AND DAVID CHAN

there's an extra helping of babe-itude
in the nation's heartland conference

WAS yu BIG TEN

$ E
APRIL REESLING, ALISSA ARNOLD, SHANNON YATES, KELLI SIE Michigan State

a
TRACEY GRESIK - Northwestern

Tracey Gresik (above lefi) is а Chicago native currently studying biology at Northwestern. Her passions run from the gentle (she loves
animals) to the cerebral (she plans to be a doctor) ta the rugged (she's a kickboxer]. Oh, yeah, she olsa has no time for people who drive
40 miles per hour in the left lane. Above right: No, you haven't died ond gone to Greek heaven—that's just the gang outside the Delta Chi
frat at the University of Minnesoto. They are (standing, left ta right) Kori Taylor, Loura Leibli, Jinger Pulkrabek, Jeannie Erickson, Cheryl
Burgos and (seated) Megan Kotek. "I plan to be self-employed," declares Purdue accounting major Megan Weller (below). Until that day,
the Indiana native will continue to play factball and racquetball ond search far "a mon who has money and is secure with himself.”

ASHLEY BONET - Michigan State

When she's not studying onthropology ot Michigon Stote, Honolulu native Ashley Bonet (above)
likes to get wet: She's on avid swimmer ond surfer. "I live for experience," she soys, "ond never
hesitate to try new things.” Minnesoto's Sunny Reed (top right) hosn't yet decided on o major, but
she's convinced "it hos to be something 1 love." Currently, the lecding condidotes ore donce ond
art. Future print journalist Jenn Shubinski (right) wonts to be а Woshington news correspondent
after graduating from the University of Illinois. On the sweeter side, Jenn odmits she's o sucker
for raspberry lollipops, "They're the only things that keep me awake during some of my closses."

| y
т. 5
і

TIFFANY SLOAN - lowa
==

n
y oc “ы.

HEATHER LAKE - Indiana

Future professor Tiffany Sloon (opposite,
top lefi) doesn't waste her days lounging
around the University of lowa campus.
When she's not hitting her political science
books, she enjoys traveling, playing tennis
and jogging. An excursion to Europe is the
number one priority on the postgrad list for
University of Minnesoto's Bethany Olson
(to Tiffany's right). The English lit major is
ап outdoorswomon whose three big turn-
„ vegetobles ond shopping
in's Darby Dickinson (among
stuffed bed buddies, opposite bottom) is
poised to take public offairs by storm. The
Washington State native is also a weight
lifter, canyon climber and particularly
ionated moviegoer. Outdoors, Indiona's
Heather Lake (above) likes to go hunting
and fly-fishing. Indoors, she’s usually
found cromming for business exams, in-
dulging in raspberry-and-chocolote
cheesecake and listening to the Grateful
Dead. Hoosier Carrie Lynn Fronk (right) is
ıg on a family tradition: Her mom,
dad and older brother all graduated from
Indiana. “I like people who are not afraid
to be themselves,” soys the speech and
telecommunicctions major. “And | dislike
the fact that society so often judges people
without even knowing them.” So there.

CARRIE LYNN FRANK - Indiana

Do Minnesoto triplets Nicole, Joclyn ond Erica
Dohm (above) get o special three-for-one deol
on tuition? Probobly not—but they do get our
undivided ottention. Shorron Peck (below) is a
business major at Ohio Stote who one doy
wonts to be a buyer for a deportment store.
But above all, she prides herself on being the
ultimote sis for her little brothers. If you
run into Illinois psych major Cindy Kosnick
(right) at o club ond ask her to donce, you may
be in over your head. The lody's been doncing
bollet, modern, jozz ond top for 17 years. And
forget obout the beoch—Ohio Stote's Kath-
ryn French (below right) likes to hong out ot
the OSU science lobs. That's where she's get-
ting the right stuff to become a microbiologist.

SHARRON PECK - Ohio State

Y (Ст
|! KATHRYN FRENCH - Ohio Stote

2 HOLLY HERCI

KIS - Northwestern

Costo Ricon Holly Herckis (obove left) ot-
tends Northwestern, where she mojors in
political science ond psychology. Out of the
clossroom, she enjoys exploring ethnic
restourants with her boyfriend. Interesting
people seem to coich the eye of Michigon
Stote dietetics major Erico Michelle (left).
Funny, we find her interesting in her own
right. And Ohio Stote's Kuan Chong (above)
is a notive of Toiwon who's jazzed by pool,
art and unpretentious poetry. Her dreom
job is to become o computer animotor ei-
ther with Pixor or Industrial Light & Mogic.

137

| y B: mA WE

JENNIFER SHIPLEY, MICHELLE BEST, ANGELA RIOU, SUSAN WORLEY, BELINDA MARSHALL, MICHELE SMITH - Indiana
Li 1 ч ur 4 т "

г |, —

Confirming our suspicions thot the girls’ locker
room is the sexiest place on earth (obove),
here are half a dozen reasons to ottend Indi-
апа University. From left to right: Jennifer
Shipley, Michelle Best, Angelo Dee Riou, Su-
son Worley, Belinda Marshall and Michele
Smith. Keeping cool at right is Michigon's
Tensley Webb, a senior Wolverine who's oim-
ing for her moster's degree in social work. She
enjoys aerobics, woterskiing and jogging with
her dog, Sheobo. Appeoring in PLAYBOY іє a
dreom come true for Indiano's Shelby Kline
(below). The South Bend notive ond student
librorion lends much of her time to student
government octivities iramural sports, blood
drives ond the neighborhood Girl Scout
troop—all the while maintoining on impres-
sive 3.9 grade point overage. "Keeping busy,”
Shelby admits, “reolly mokes the time fly by.”

SHELBY KLINE - Indiana

= =

DYANA GEARHART - Northwestern

Northwestern econ mojor Dyona Gear-
hort (left) intends to have it all: o sotis-
fying business career ond o hoppy fom-
ily. Meanwhile, Polond's Morgoret
Chmiel (obove) studies musicol theoter
ot Michigon—thot is, when she's not
rood tripping, clubbing or “experiment-
ing in the kitchen.” And Minnesota's
Mornie Ryon (below) is studying to be
оп elementory school teocher while re-
maining true to her Koppo Koppo Gom-
mo sorority. Ms. Ryon is also o nonny.

MARNIE RYAN - Minnesota

Michigan Stater Nicole Marie (above) paints, speaks French and majors in fashion design. "| want
to become a successful haute couture designer,” says Nicole, who also has her mind set on landing
on the centerfold of FLAYBOY. Says lowa's Amanda Wallace (below left): “My family can trace its lin-
eage back to Scotland's Sir William Wallace of Braveheart fame." On a less historical note, the
Boston-born Amanda likes nice smiles. Dental assistant Туа Lichtie (below center), whose name
means “friend” in Tahitian, studies dietetics at Wisconsin. She also enjoys cooking up a storm—
"which is probably why | work out five times a week.” Broadway should keep an eye out for Molly
Neylan (below right), who studies theater and film ct lowa. “I like all theater activities,” she says,
"lighting, acting, singing and stage combat—but not Cats." Finally, say hi to Andrea Cherry (oppo-
site), our ambassador from Penn State. The future psychology researcher tells us she likes stargaz-
ing, skiing and sunsets in the mountains. Her turnoffs2 Frat boys and obnoxious parties. Ditto.

TYA LICHTIE - Wisconsin

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PLAYBOY

CRUDE, D ШЕ! (continued from page 82)

“That's how rugby got associated with partying. Be-
fore they had ibuprofen they had ale.”

half shirts and a men’s room oft stained
by puke. So it means something when
Sigma Pi brother Mike, a solid 250.
pounder, tells you, "When the rugby
team goes out, people know who they
are. When they drink, it’s like they're
оп a mission. If you're not one of them,
you should watch yourself because they
could turn on you and start fucking
with you. Ifyou want to get into a fight,
guaranteed, go up to a rugby guy and
say, "Hey, bitch."

On the way to the bar several players
attempt to overturn a pickup truck
that’s idling at a bank. They rock the
truck. The driver honks and honks.
“We know this guy,” someone yells, for
my benefit. “This is our friend.”

Outside the tavern, the bouncers
greet the team with tight-lipped nods.
They, the hired muscles, are neither
welcoming nor disrespectful. They are
notably reserved. "That's why we don't
hire anybody too big to work the door,”
says the not-too-big doorman. “We
don’t want anyone to feel challenged.
You take the rugby team. We've consid-
ered banning them before because
they break so much stuff. But then we
want their business, which is a lot. So
it's a trade-off. It depends on how
much they break.”

Finally, someone spots WKU. They
are slouched around a pool table off to
the side, looking as if the transition
from their cars to the bar has left them
feeling out of place. “We got a late
start,” drawls Joe, a massive person
with a brush cut, “and we were pissing
in bottles the whole way down. Shoot,
it's so good to finally see some friend:
He offers a toast: " Here's to staying sin-
gle, seeing double and sleeping triple.
Amen."

The drinking continues at an im-
pressive rate. Lite beers, Jell-O shots,
slippery nipples, whatever it takes. Lat-
er, this all-out approach to the evening
leads to some static involving the po-
lice, a drunken rookie, an enraged
blonde woman and an act of grab-ass—
a “crime” few ruggers here would con-
demn. That's because, in the private
universe of rugby, grab-ass is under-
stood. Guys grab girls. Girls grab guys.
Everybody acts out. Unfortunately for
the ruggers, the cops don't share that
view. "This is so fucking lame,” says
one of the old loads zs the officers roll
up. "This is not the way it used to be."

Other than that, it’s a fairly conven-
tional night—drinking, more drinking,

crawling home to die. “The thing
about rugby that you should know,”
Conn says, leaning woozily on the bar
before last call, “is that at a lot of
schools, there are not too many exam-
ples of really good players who don't
get trashed. It's usually the guys who
suck who don't go out.”

“Personally,” says Kraft, standing
shoulder-to-shoulder with Conn, “I
drink because I'm bored. Drinking
makes normal things more fun."

"So you're not at all worried about
tomorrow?" I ask him. Kraft looks
confused.

"Tomorrow, what?"

THECAME

"Forces equivalent to 1.5 tons are ex-
erted on a player's cervical spine dur-
—The American Journal of

Saturday dawns to painful glaring
skies. The players arrive in small
groups, stumbling toward the field,
sipping from squirt bottles and
Gatorade jugs, a few holding their
heads. A very few tote open beers.
Some come dressed for the game—
high-cut shorts, cleats and tight, all-
the-harder-to-grab-me rugby shirts—
but most clutch at least some
the uniform in their hands. It is j
ter noon. Their breakfasts have includ-
ed Pop-Tarts and ginseng pills, biscuits
and gravy, hamburgers, peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches, ramen noodle
soup and Mini-Thins, an over-the-
counter stimulant, Those who dined
out recall addressing their waitresses
with “Yes, ma'am,” “thank you” and
“please.”

The teams warm up with a good bit
of real estate between them, as if at-
tempting to distance themselves, phys-
ically and otherwise, from last night's
good cheer. Some players smear petro-
leum jelly on their heads, like fighters
hoping to slip blows and staunch cuts.
Others use black electrical tape as
headbands to keep their ears from get-
ting ripped off. Socks are secured with
spare shoelaces as garters, then folded
once, below the knee. Collars get
tucked under. Conn unveils a new, self-
styled, inspirational haircut, the Shag-
Fu—flat top, shaved sides, tufts of side-
burns left untouched. If there's a fight,
Kraft promises to moon the combat-
ants to break it up. Meanwhile, some
60 spectators line the field with lawn

chairs and beer coolers, and bagpipe
music wails from a nearby car. And the
air fills vith the smell of liniment and a
sense of imminent battle. The T-shirts
on hand say a lot: WERE A DRINKING
TEAM WITH A RUGBY PROBLEM. IT TAKES
LEATHER BALLS TO PLAY RUGBY. RUGBY
PLAYERS EAT THEIR DEAD.

The kickoff is akin, more or less, to
that of football. The players, 15 to a
side, gather at opposite ends of the
pitch—a tad larger than a standard
gridiron—and one team boots the ball
to the other. You do not want to know
too much about the rules. As Derek
Robinson writes in Rugby: "In no other
sport are the players so vague about
the laws.” And if they can be vague
about them, so can you. Suffice it to say,
the game resembles padless, helmet-
less, open-field football in that it in-
volves tackling and forbids the forward
lateral; soccer in that the action rarely
stops and players ahead of the play are
considered offside; boxing ın that
there's a lot of boxing that goes on;
wrestling in that players do that too.
Points are accrued by downing the ball
across the goal line or kicking it
through the uprights. The ball is ad-
vanced, most commonly, in a series of
sweeps and laterals, or via a forward-
bounding dropkick. Blocking is not al-
lowed. Neither are substitutions. The
game consists of two 40-minute halves.
If it sounds more than a little like
American football, well, now you know
where we got the game.

Aside from the final score, which
puts SIU on top, only a few plays stand
out. At one point, an SIU back is laid
flat—and temporarily motionless—by
an illegal clothesline tackle. A 300-plus-
pounder from WKU has stopped the
back cold with a forearm to the throat.
Тһе impact is hard to watch, so radical
is the halt to the back's forward
progress—his chin snapping up while
his legs bicycle forward, like Wile E.
Coyote gone off a cliff. It is the sort of
hit that makes the sideline crowd go
“Ooooh,” and then yell “Fuck him up"
and "Revenge happens in the ruck,
motherfucker.” And it is the sort of hit
that instantly leads to a fight. Within
seconds a small cluster of players gets
into it, fists flying. Seconds later, Mr.
Montez, the ref, breaks it up.

Much later, an SIU player goes down
in a crowd, and a WKU player jumps,
with both cleated feet, on the downed
player's legs. This too leads to a fight.
And when the game's action gets close,
the hitting is audible—like slapping
hamburger—which is sobering when
you consider that this is the sound of
flesh on flesh.

In the end, after the clock peters out,
players from both teams—even the

(continued on page 158)

143

Banks, was the best number two running.
back in the nation last season. The de-
fense will again be strong, especially at
linebacker and in the middle, where
tackle Jared DeVries rules the line. 9-2

1. TEXAS

It was the defining moment in fifth-
year coach John Mackovic's uneasy ten-
ure at Texas, and the gutsiest call of the
1996 college football season: First-ever
Big 12 championship game. Texas lead-
ing by three late in the game against a
powerhouse Nebraska team frantically
trying to crawl back into the national ti-
tle picture, Texas fourth-and-one on its
own 28-yard line. Mac's call: punt? No.
Line plunge? No. Roll out QB James
Brown and pass? Yes. Sixty-seven yards
and Texas wins. Mac's critics are si-
lenced. James Brown (please, no more
comparisons to that hollerin’ singer) is
back. So is running back Ricky Williams
(1272 rushing yards last season). Wane
McGarity will step into the spot vacated
by graduated Mike Adams, UT's all-time
leading receiver. The defense is an-
chored by tackle Chris Akins, who may
be the strongest college football player in
the nation (561-pound bench press, 760-
pound squat). The linebackers, led by
Aaron Humphrey, are young, but good.
The secondary is also young and no one,
not even Mackovic, is certain how well
they will do. The answer to that question
will determine whether the Longhorns
are good or very good. 9-2

19. SYRACUSE

With Donovan McNabb (a winner in
18 of his 24 starts) returning at quarter-
back, the offense will rule again at Syra-
cuse. McNabb will see familiar faces in
the huddle—running backs Rob Konrad
and Kyle McIntosh, receiver Quinton
Spotwood and most of the offensive line
that helped the Orangeman score 30 or
more points in all but one game last sea-
son. Coach Paul Pasqualoni will have to
patch together a credible defense. An-
twaune Ponds is the only proven player
at linebacker, and there is a lack of expe-
rience, if not talent, on the defensive
front. Hard-hitting safety Donovin Dar-
ius is the mainstay in the secondary. Al-
though the kicking game is suspect and
the early schedule rough, McNabb and
pals will score enough points to keep
Syracuse in every game. If the defense
gels, look out. 9-3

13. LOUISIANA STATE,

In Baton Rouge, second-year coach
144 Gerry DiNardo has engineered a suc-

PIGSKIN PREVIEW onines pon poer 119

There's still no IA playoff, and the Pac Ten and Big
Ten are not part of the Bowl Alliance until next year.

cessful reb: ig job. Louisiana State
posted its first ten-win season since 1987
and made its second consecutive post-
season appearance, a 10—7 Peach Bowl
win over Clemson. Now the Tigers are
ready to claw their way into the SEC
championship game. But to do that,
they'll have to find a way to beat confer-
ence bullies Alabama and Florida. Di-
Nardo has built this Tiger team around
the running game and Playboy All-
America tailback Kevin Faulk. With the
development of a better receiving corps,
the Tigers will go to the air more often
this season. Junior quarterback Herb
Tyler, though lacking a rocket arm, still
managed to finish third in SEC passing
last season behind Peyton Manning and
Danny Wuerffel. Seven starters return
оп a defense that’s especially strong in
the middle. However, LSU needs a bet-
тег pass rush from its defensive ends and
improvement in the secondary to com-
pete with wide-open offenses. Florida
comes to mind. 8-3

14. MICHIGAN

During the preseason, Michigan coach
Lloyd Carr refused to indicate who
among four viable candidates would
start for the Wolverines at quarterback.
Scott Dreisbach has the most experience,
but Brian Griese has beaten Ohio State
twice. Underclassmen Tom Brady and
Jason Kapsner have talent as well. Who-
ever gets the nod vill be tested early, as
Michigan opens against Colorado, fol-
lowed by Baylor and Notre Dame. The
skill positions are set with running backs
Chris Howard and Clarence Williams,
wide receiver Tai Streets and tight end
Jerame Tuman. The defense loses line-
backer Jarrett Irons but returns seven
starters, induding end Glen Steele, line-
backer Sam Sword and Playboy All-
America corner Charles Woodson. The
Wolverines have a chance to climb from
good to great if the offensive line can
step up. 8-3

15. MIAMI

Miami coach Butch Davis was saddled
with two enormous chores: (1) Clean up
the Hurricanes’ reputation as the bad
boys of college football and (2) keep win-
ning. Davis seems to be accomplishing
both. While no coach can guarantee that
players won't get into trouble, Davis has
put his personal stamp of integrity on
Miami football. The winning hasn't been
bad either. Last year's 8-3 regular sea-
son record was punctuated by a 31-21
victory over Virginia in the Carquest
Bowl. The Hurricanes could be as good

or better this season. Ryan Clement will
finish his career in the top ten in at least
five school passing categories. The Hur-
ricanes are deep at running back (Dyral
McMillan, Trent Jones, Edgerrin James)
and at receiver, if [ammi German has re-
covered from the knee injury that forced
him to redshirt in 1996. Davis’ biggest
concern is defense, where talent is deep
but experience thın. 8-3

16. OHIO STATE.

Coach John Cooper and rhe Buckeyes
put as many players into the NFL as any
college program in the nation. The
problem is the number who leave Co-
lumbus before their eligibility has ex-
pired. Shawn Springs, last season's Big
"Ten Defensive Player of the Year, left one
year early; Orlando Pace, one of the all-
time best college offensive linemen, de-
parted with two years remaining and
nothing left to prove. Add to these the
graduation of defensive end Mike Vra-
bel and other starters from last season
and you can figure that the Buckeyes
may struggle this season. Still, OSU will
be in the top 20. They have quarterbacks
Stanley Jackson and Joe Germaine, run-
ning back Pepe Pearson (who returns af-
тег gaining 1484 yards and scoring 17
TDs last year), receiver David Boston (33
catches as a freshman last season) and,
on defense, the Kat—Playboy All-Ameri-
ca linebacker Andy Katzenmoyer—and
the Mouse—free safety Damon Moore—
who led the team in tackles (89) and in-
terceptions (5) 84

17. CLEMSON

Experience counts. Sixteen Clemson
starters return, including running back
Raymond Priester, who gained more
than 1300 yards last season, and quar-
terback Nealon Greene, who has been
the Tigers’ number one signal caller for
28 consecutive games. The offensive line
features three returning all-conference
players—Jim Bundren, Glenn Rountree
and Lamont Hall. Three-year coach
Tommy West thinks linebacker Anthony
Simmons is “one of the best defensive
players in the nation”—we agreed and
named him a Playboy All-America. The
schedule favors the Tigers, with Florida
State, North Carolina and Virginia slat-
ed to visit Death Valley. 8-3

18. STANFORD.

Late last October second-year coach
Tyrone Willingham and his Stanford
team found themselves 2-5 following
a 41-9 drubbing by eventual Pac Ten
champ Arizona State. A winning season
seemed unlikely. But Willingham re-
fused to give up on his team, and the
Cardinal responded by winning their
last five games—induding a 38-0 romp
over a good Michigan State team in the
Sun Bowl. Most of the talent from last.
season's team is back and determined
to start strong this year. Quarterback

Chad Hutchinson, a starting pitcher on
the Cardinal baseball team, will throw
passes this fall. There are four excellent
running backs, plus speed ar wide re-
ceiver. The defense, the heart of last
year's midseason improvement, is led
by sack masters Kailee Wong and Carl
Hansen. A scheduling peculiarity: The
two best teams in the conference, Wash-
ington and Stanford, do not play each
other this season. 8-3

19. ALABAMA

Gene Stallings was the first Alabama
coach to successfully step from the shad-
ow of legend Bear Bryant, leading the
Crimson Tide back to prominence and a
national championship in 1992. When
Stallings called it a career at the end of
last season, the Tide picked defensive co-
ordinator Mike DuBose to succeed him.
Stallings has left DuBose a mixed bag of
football talent. Senior quarterback Fred-
die Kitchens has failed ro inspire much
confidence in his passing ability, so the
"Tide will continue to rely on Dennis Rid-
dle and the running game. Quality de-
fensive ends Chris Hood and Playboy
All-America Michael Myers will spear-
head the Bama D. Deshea Townsend is
an impact player at corner, but lineback-
ing depth is a problem. Alabama should
get off to a good start, thanks to a soft
early schedule. 8-3

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30. UTAH

Announcers stumble over his name,
defenders struggle to tackle him and
most football fans outside the Rockies
have never heard of him. Utah junior
running back Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala is
good enough to get some Heisman votes
this year—that is, if any East Coast voters
get to see him play. And Utah, riding
Fuamatu-Ma’afala and a bevy of talented
backs behind an experienced offensive
line, should be as good or better than the
8-4 record they posted last season. For
coach Ron McBride the biggest problem
is choosing between two talented but
untested redshirt QBs: Junior college
transfer Jonathan Crosswhite appears to
have the early edge over freshman Dar-
nell Arceneaux. The Utes’ defense will
be improved despite the loss of ali-con-
ference safety Harold Lusk. Washington
State transfer Phil Glover will be a force
at linebacker, The Utes could string alot
of Ws before their November 22 show-
down against BYU. 9-2

OTHER TEAMS TO WATCH
BRICHAM YOUNG.

Eccentric scheduling last season (12
regular season games, an added early
season contest, the WAC championship
game and, finally, the Cotton Bowl) gave
the Cougars an opportunity to break lots
of statistical records and pile up уісо-

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ries. They didn't waste the chance,
achieving record 14 wins with only one
loss (to Washington). With QB Steve
Sarkisian graduated, the charges of of-
fensive-minded coach LaVell Edwards
will rely on a defense that returns nine
starters from last season, including sec-
ondary standout Omarr Morgan. Ed-
wards was unable to decide between two
quarterback candidates this past spring,
so he'll give Paul Shoemaker and Kevin
Feterik each a shot this fall. The receiv-
ing corps is strong, but Edwards will
probably go to the running game until
the quarterback situation is settled. This
Cougar team is unusually mature: Forty-
five of its players have served two-ycar
Mormon missions and 90 players are
married. 8-3

AUBURN

In the Bowden football family, coming
home at the end of the season with a 7-4
record plus a narrow win over Army in
the Independence Bowl earns some-
thing less than the drumstick on the
bird. Winning in Bowdenland isn’t just
earning more victories than defeats; it
means double-digit Ws, top ten finishes,
playing for the national championship.
While Terry Bowden, son of Florida
State dynastic father Bobby, accom-
plished most of those goals in his first
four years as coach of Auburn, he
couldn't make the Tigers anything more

№

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кост Mc e.
prc:

Rest of the Best

QUARTERBACKS: Donovon McNabb (Syro-
tuse), Ron Povlus (Notre Dame), Chris Keldorf
[North Carolina), Cory Sauter (Minnesota), John
Dutton (Nevada), Ryon Clement (Miami), Ryan
Leaf (Washington State), Chris McCoy (Navy), Zeb-
bie Lethridge (Texas Tech)

RUNNING BACKS: Curtis Enis (Penn State),
Chris Fuomatu-Ma'ofala (Utah), Scott Horley
(East Carolina), Robert Holcombe (Illincis), Ah-
mon Green (Nebraska), Pepe Pearson (Ohio
State), Sedrick Irvin (Michigan State), Ricky
Williams (Texas), De’Mond Parker (Oklahoma),
Autry Denson (Notre Dome), Ken Oxendine (Vir-
ginio Tech), Skip Hicks (UCLA)

RECEIVERS: Phil Savoy (Colorado), E.G. Green
[Florido State), Lorry Shannon (East Carolina),
Ryan Thelwell (Minnesota), Az-zohir Hokim
(Son Diego State), David Sounders (West Vir-
біліп), Jacquez Green (Florida), Nokia Jenkins
(Utoh State), Harvey Middleton (Georgia Tech),
Stephen Alexander (Oklahoma), Jerome Tuman
(Michigan)

OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Mike Rosenthal (Notre

Dame), Kevin Long (Florido State), Ben Fricke
(Houston), Jeff Saturday (North Carolina), Kyle
Murphy (Arizona State), Eric Anderson (Nebras-
ka), Kyle Turley (San Diego State), Melvin Thomas
(Colorado), Gennaro DiNapoli (Virginia Tech),
Mott Stincheomb (Georgia)
DEFENSIVE LINEMEN: Jason Peters (Nebras-
ko], Greg Ellis (North Carolina), Jared DeVries
Пока), Ryan Olson (Colorado), Kailee Wong
(Stanford), John Thornton (West Virginia), Chris
Akins (Texos), Glen Steele (Michigan), Ed Chester
(Florido), Andre Wadsworth (Florida State)

LINEBACKERS: Takeo Spikes (Auburn), Jamie
Duncan (Vanderbilt), Antwaune Ponds (Syracuse),
Johnny Rutledge (Florida), Keith Brocking (Geor-
gia Tech), Marchant Kenney (Southern Mississip-
pi), DeShone Myles (Nevado), Chris Gizzi (Air
Forte), Sum Sword (Michigan), Sam Cowart
[Florida Store)

DEFENSIVE BACKS: Tony Blevins (Kansos),
Deshea Townsend (Alcbama), Ralph Brown [Ne-
broska), Mitchell Freedman (Arizona State), Sean
Andrews (Navy), Donovin Darius (Syracuse), Fred
Weory (Florido), Shaun Williams (UCLA), Damon
Moore (Ohio State)

KICK RETURNERS: Ketric Sanford (Houston),
Terıy Fair (Tennessee), Allen Rossum (Notre
Dame), Deon Mitchell (Northern Illinois)

PLACEKICKERS: Phil Dawson (Texas), Kris
Brown (Nebraska), Robert Nycz (Arizona State),
Damon Shea (Nevada), Jaret Greaser (Texas
Tech), Marty Kent (Louisiana Tech)

PUNTERS: Aron Longley (Wyoming), Alon
Sutkowski (Indiana)

than justa pretty good football team last
season. Major reason? Auburn's defense.
It was Brother Oliver's first season as
defensive coordinator, and there were
injuries, especially along the front. Ten
starters from that defense return, which
means more experience if not talent.
Linebacker Takeo Spikes is tough in the
middle, and the secondary grabbed lots
of interceptions despite playing three
freshmen. With senior quarterback
Dameyune Craig returning along with
several outstanding offensive linemen
(including 65", 321-pound Playboy All-
America Victor Riley), the defense may
not have to be quite as good as it wasn't
last season. 8-3

NORTHWESTERN

Cary Barnett has a big fat coaching
contract and a new home near Lake
Michigan. The football stadium has been
renovated, a new natural grass field in-
stalled and an indoor practice facility
built. The Wildcats have finished in the
top 20 and won a share of the Big Ten
championship two years in a row. And
now Barnett has landed the best recruit-
ing class in school history. Northwestern
lost running back Darnell Autry a year
early to the NFL, and two-time nation-
al defensive player of the year Pat Fitz-
gerald and veteran quarterback Steve
Schnur have graduated. But after what
Barnett has proved in the past two years,
no onc should takc the Cats lightly. Ex-
perienced backup Tim Hughes is ready
for his chance at quarterback; so is an-
other fifth-year senior, Chris Hamdorf.
Adrian Autry (no relation to Darnell) is
set at running back. Playboy All-America
D'Wayne Bates is bona fide big-time at
wide receiver. Look for linebacker Barry
Gardner and safety Eric Collier to shine
on defense. What hasn't Barnett accom-
plished? He hasn't won a bowl game
(Northwestern lost to Tennessee 48-28
in last season's Citrus Bowl) and he
doesn't have a national championship
ring. Yet. 84

COLORADO STATE.

Coach Sonny Lubick has led Colorado
State to two conference titles since he ar-
rived in Fort Collins four years ago. He
thinks he has a shotata third. The Rams
return 17 starters from last season's 7-5
team, including prolific quarterback
Moses Moreno, 1000-yard rusher Da-
mon Washington and receiver Geoff.
"Turner. But it's the defense that will be
most improved. Adrian Ross gives the
Rams pressure on the passer up front,
and linebackers Willie Taylor and Nate
Kvamme are tackling machines. 8-3

VIRGINIA TECH.

With the loss of quarterback Jim
Druckenmiller and defensive end Cor-
nell Brown, both now in the NFL, Vir-
ginia Tech could be expected to take a
step back from the ten wins posted in

each of the past two seasons. But coach
Frank Beamer pumps football talent into
Blacksburg, and the step will be a small
one if redshirt junior Al Clark can pass
effectively out of the Hokies’ no-huddle
offense. The ground game should be in
good hands, with tailback Ken Oxendine
behind a strong offensive line. With only
five starters returning, the defense poses
more questions, but coordinator Bud
Foster thinks this group will be "as ath-
letic as any group we've had." If the D is
there, the Hokies should make it to their
fifth consecutive bowl game. 8-3

WISCONSIN

All eyes in Madison will be on one-
man-gang running back and Playboy
All-America Ron Dayne, who rushed for
more yards (2109) last season as a fresh-
man than any back in the history of
the Big Ten. With 315-pound Chris
McIntosh and 390-pound Aaron Gibson
at tackle, the 261-pound Dayne will
make mincemeat of all but the strongest
defensive fronts. When defenses are
forced to concentrate on stopping
Dayne, junior quarterback Mike Samuel
and receivers Donald Hayes and Tony
Simmons should find plenty of open
areas downfield. Much of coach Barry
Alvarez' defense remains untested,
though several talented players return
after missing all or part of last season
with injuries. The Badgers get an carly
test against Syracusc in the Kickoff Clas-
sic on August 24. 8-4

WEST VIRGINIA

Coach Don Nehlen isn't predicting his
Mountaineers will lead the nation again
in total defense (UWV held opponents
to an average 217.5 yards last season),
but he's confident that they will be very
good. Tackles Henry Slay and John
"Thornton along with end Bob Baum
give Nehlen an impressive trio of down
linemen. The linebacking will be strong
as well, despite the graduation of Canute
Curtis. On offense, Nehlen has more
depth at running back than at any time
in his 17-year career at Morgantown.
The best of them, sophomore Amos
Zereoue, appears to be completely re-
covered from a toe injury that slowed
him at the end of last season. The tearn's
season will be determined by the success
of sophomore quarterback Marc Bulger,
who, according to Nehlen, has "great tal-
ent" but little experience. 74

MICHIGAN STATE,

Third-year coach Nick Saban is point-
ing his Spartans toward something bet-
ter than the 6-6 record they posted last
season. "Bowl bids are no longer the
standard we use to measure success,"
says Saban. "We want a Big Ten champi-
onship and a game on New Year's Day."
Saban has enough first-string talent to
challenge the better teams in the confer-
ence, Sophomore running back Sedrick

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PLAYBOY

148

Irvin is running behind Playboy All-
America tackle Flozell Adams. Quarter-
back Todd Schultz is steady if not spec-
tacular. Nine starters return from a unit
that ranked number 19 nationally in to-
tal defense. But since a four-year proba-
tion has reduced scholarships, lack of
depth is a concern. 74

KANSASSTATE

Common sense dictates that the Wild-
cats will drop out of the top 20 with the
graduation of KSU all-time leading re-
ceiver Kevin Lockett and quarterback
Brian Kavanagh. Then there's the loss of
its entire defensive backfield, the na-
tion's best in 1996. But common sense
would also dictate that Bill Snyder.
couldn't turn a sick-kitten program that
closed the Eighties with a 1-36-1 mark

to the Powercats, one of only six teams.
in the nation to record at least nine vic-
tories every season since 1993. How will
Snyder work his magic this year? Rely on
a running game featuring Mike Law-
rence and Brian Goolsby until sopho-
more quarterback Jonathan Beasley gets
comfortable behind center. Build the de-
fense around a strong corps of lineback-
ers and integrate talented junior college
transfers and redshirt freshmen. The
Cats can sharpen their claws against
weak nonconference opponents early in
the schedule. тра

NAVY AND ARMY

Great tradition, valiant effort, disci-
plined play, losing records—all catch-
phrases for these two service academies.
That is, until last season. The Cadets
charged to ten wins and only two de-
feats, one a narrow Independence Bowl

loss to Auburn (32-29). The Midship-
men fared nearly as well with nine
ries capped by a 42-38 win over Califor-
nia in the Aloha Bowl, their first bowl
win since 1978. Both teams will be back
this year, though Army sustains the
greater losses to graduation. Navy OB
Chris McCoy returns, as does most of a
stubborn defensive unit featuring one of
the best secondaries in the nation.

Navy 9-29 ARMY 7-4

UCLA

Second-year coach Bob Toledo should
have the horses to put UCLA on the plus
side of .500 this year. The Bruins will be
potent on offense, where last year’s line
remains intact and tailback Skip Hicks
returns after gaining more than 1000

_ yards. Since there is little depth behind

him, quarterback Cade McNown needs
to add consistency to his game and avoid
injuries. Safety Shaun Williams is an im-
pa«t player on a defense that will be bol-
stered by end Weldon Forde and inside
linebacker Brian Willmer. A tough early
schedule could get the Bruins off to a
slow start. Ten

TEXAS ARM

With his team underachieving miser-
ably the past two ycars, R.C. Slocum
dumped several members of his Aggic
coaching staff in the off-season. He has
been particularly frustrated with his
team's inconsistent passing attack. Quar-
terback Brandon Stewart, who failed to
live up to expectations last year, gets an-
other chance this season and maybe next
as well, with the NCAA awarding him an
extra year of eligibility. Linebacker Dat
Nguyen is the kind of attacking defen-

“With me, it's not so much the religion or politics; it's a thing
I have about women in armor."

sive player that Slocum likes, but the
defensive front and secondary are
unproven. 74

VIRGINIA

With the loss of twin brothers Ronde
and Tiki Barber and linebackers James
Farrior and Jamie Sharper, all of whom
will play in the NFL this year, Virginia
coach George Welsh has to rebuild.
Welsh, who has taken the Cavaliers to
bowl games seven of the past eight sea-
sons, has tabbed junior Aaron Brooks as
his starting quarterback. One of Brooks"
main jobs will be to get the ball to Ger-
manc Crowell at wide receiver. Virginia
has lots of talent at tailback, but there are
fresh faces on the offensive line. With
only four starters returning, inexperi-
ence will be a problem on defense
as well 6-5

ARIZONA STATE

Precious few football insiders imag-
ined Arizona State would upset Nebras-
ka last September 21. But PLAYBOY col-
lege football consultant Gil Brandt
predicted it at last year's Playboy All-
America weekend, and ASU coach Bruce
Snyder sensed it, “I knew we were pre-
pared. 1 knew our players believed they
could do it.” But no one expected the
Huskers, winners of 26 straight games
and two national championships, the
tcam that scored 77 points against ASU
the previous season, to be shut out 19-0.
The heroes of that night, QB Jake Plum-
mer, receiver Keith Poole and mountain
tackle Juan Roque, are gone. Snyder has
to identify a new starting quarterback
from among four candidates. But the
talent is deep, and Snyder has landed
the best recruiting class of his career.
This season Kyle Murphy will sparkle on
the offensive line and fullback Jeff Paulk
has the chance to be a 1000-yard rusher.
Fortunately, Nebraska isn’t on the sched-
ule, because even David might have lost
to Goliath in a rematch. 7-4

use

After finishing a disappointing 6-6 last
season, coach John Robinson is calling
this year a "prove it" season for the Tro-
jans. It was Robinson who set expecta-
tions for a national championship when
he returned four years ago for his sec-
ond stint as USC coach. And he has re-
cruited plenty of blue-chip talent since.
But his teams have never quite gelled.
Eight starters return on offense this
year, but there's no experience among
the three candidates for quarterback.
"There's talent and depth in the running
and receiving corps, but the offensive
line has been less than dominating. The
defensive line showed a curious inability
to stop the run last season despite having
now-NFL stud Darrell Russell in the
middle. The best part of this year's de-
fense are the corners, where Playboy All-
America Daylon McCutcheon and Brian

Kelly cover and hit. The Trojans open
against Florida State and close with
nemesis UCLA, with Notre Dame and
Washington somewhere between. The
results of those four contests will deter-
mine if Robinson can survive another
season as head coach. TES

MARSHALL

Need a good piece of college football
trivia to drop on that irritating sports
know-it-all at the office? Which team had
the best record in college football last
season, or, for that matter, in any season
in college football? The answer is 15-0
Marshall, the defending Division IAA
champion. But the Thundering Herd
won't be defending that title, because
they've moved to Division IA as a new
member of the Mid-American Confer-
ence. Adding to the drama is Playboy
All-America Randy Moss, whose receiv-
ing and return numbers could make him
a contender for the Heisman. 8-3

ATLANTIC COAST
Florida Slate.
North Carolina
Clemson
Мий С

Georgia Tech.

North Carolina State...
Maryland. er
Wake Forest

Duke d

North Carolina will give Florida State
the first serious competition it's had for
the conference title since the Seminoles
joined the ACC five years ago. Clemson
and Virginia will battle for the other two
spots in the top half of the conference
standings. Georgia Tech would like to
regain its national championship form of
1990, so head coach George O'Leary has
brought back Ralph Friedgen, who engi-
neered Tech's offense that champion-
ship season. The Yellow Jackets need to
have running backs Charles Wiley and
Phillip Rogers return from injuries, es-
pecially since last year’s starting tailback,
CJ. Williams, opted for the NFL a year
early. Keith Brooking is the best of a
good crew of linebackers. North Caroli-
na State coach Mike O'Cain is cautiously
optimistic about the Wolfpack’s chances
this season despite a disappointing 3-8
finish in 1996. Seventeen returning
starters, better depth in the offensive
line and lots of off-season effort in the
weight room should prevent the Pack
from being outmuscled this year. Tail-
back Tremeyne Stephens will have a big
senior season. Former Northwestern de-
fensive coordinator Ron Vanderlinden
rode the Wildcats’ rise to success and
landed the head coaching position at
Maryland. His strong recruiting skills
will show results in a couple of seasons
Wake Forest and Duke will continue to
struggle.

Une е 7
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NEWSSTANDS NOW

PLAYBOY

Syracuse.
E
Virginia Tech...

West Virginia
Boston College
tisburgh

Divided equally into the haves and
have-nots, the Big East will again be
dominated by Syracuse, Miami, Virginia
“Tech and West Virginia. Any of the four
have the potential to win the conference,
though none could make a run at the na-
tional championship. Boston College
will try to resurrect itself from the mire
of last season's gambling scandal. Tom
O'Brien, a former Virginia assistant, is
the new head coach. The Eagles have
some good players, notably QB Matt
Hasselbeck and running back Omari
Walker. New Pittsburgh coach Walt Har-
ris wants a more pass-oriented style for
the Panthers' attack, but lack of an expe-
rienced quarterback and a strong crew
of running backs (led by senior Billy
West) will keep the Panthers on the
ground early Another new Big East
coach, Terry Shea, will attempt to inject
life into a moribund Rutgers program.
while Temple coach Ron Dickerson
would be happy to nudge the Owls be-
yond the single victory they ve been held
to in each of the past two seasons.

Michigan.
Ohio State.
Northwestern.

Wisconsin...
Michigan State

Of course, not all of the seven Big Ten
teams with serious top 20 aspirations
(Penn State, Michigan, Iowa, Ohio State,
Wisconsin, Michigan State and North-
western) will be happy at the end of the
season. But most, if not all, will find their
way to bowl berths somewhere. The
punishment for failing to win and quali-
fy for postseason play at the other four
schools? Fire the coach. Illinois fired
Lou Tepper and hired Chicago Bears of-
fensive coordinator Ron Turner. Indi-
ana put Bill Mallory out to pasture in fa-
vor of Washington Redskins assistant.
Cam Cameron. Both programs will shift.
into high-powered passing attacks. Min-
nesota and Purdue acquired coaches
with proven credentials at other schools.
Minnesota coach Glen Mason, who
transformed Kansas into a winner, in-
herits pretty good talent from departed
Jim Wacker. The pass combination of

150 Cory Sauter to Ryan Thelwell will be

exciting to watch. Joe Tiller, who led
Wyoming to a WAC title last year, re-
places Jim Colletto at Purdue. The Boil-
ermakers have 14 starters back from last
season, but then, last year's team won
only three games.

BIG TWELVE
NORTH DIVISIDN

New rivalries formed, old rivalries re-
spected, the better half of the former
Southwest Conference melded seamless-
ly into the new Big 12. And the align-
ment was financially and aesthetically
pleasing to just about everyone except
Nebraska, which tripped over Texas in
the conference title game in pursuit of
another national championship. This
season's conference championship game
could be a replay of last year's—but
don't expect another Nebraska upset.

NORTII DIVISION

Nebraska, Colorado and Kansas State
will finish at one, two and three again in
the North Division. Former Northern
Iowa coach Terry Allen vill try to keep
Kansas on the winning track established
by Glen Mason (though the Jayhawks
faltered to 4-7 last scason). With the rc-
turn of safety Tony Blevins, linebacker
Ron Warner and six other starters, KU is
stacked on defense. However, there are
new faces on the offensive side. The Jay-
hawks will get fat on a soft early-season
schedule, then struggle in conference.
Larry Smith has a chance to coax Mis-
souri onto the right side of .500 this
season. The Tigers return four backs
who gained 500-plus yards last season.
The defense will have to turn it up if the
Tigers are to prosper. Troy Davis, the
first player in NCAA history to post
back-to-back 2000-yard seasons, left
Iowa State a year early for the NFL. But
his brother, Darren, is ready to step into
his spot in the backfield. Coach Dan Mc-
Carney has to improve a defense that
blew substantial leads in five of the Cy-
clones’ nine losses last year.

SOUTH DIVISION

With Texas A&M sagging and Okla-
homa rebuilding, Texas dominates in
the South. The Sooners have 15 players
with starting experience on offense. Ре"
Mond Parker is a racehorse back, and
coach John Blake picked up two junior

college running backs as insurance. Eric
Moore and Justin Fuente will share time
behind center. Texas Tech returns quar-
terback Zebbie Lethridge but lost run-
ning back Byron Hanspard to the NFL.
A young line could complicate things of-
fensively for the Red Raiders at the start
of the season. Coach Spike Dykes landed
his best-ever recruiting class despite an
NCAA investigation hanging over the
program. Baylor changed its coach after
a disappointing 4-7 finish last year. New
coach Dave Roberts will install an I-for-
mation multiple passing attack, despite
questions about the arm of returning
starting quarterback Jeff Watson. Tail-
back Jerod Douglas, an 1100-yard rush-
er two years ago, will try to bounce back
from an injury-plagued season last year.
On defense, there's only room for
improvement.

BIG WEST

Nevada ...
Utah State

North Texas.
Idaho

New Mexico State .
Boise State

Nevada, which has led the nation in
total offense three of the past four years,
won't miss a beat with the return of 674”,
920-pound quarterback John Dutton,
conference offensive player of the year
last season. The Wolf Pack's defense
won't be shabby either. Seven starters re-
turn, including linebacker DeShone
Myles, conference player of the year in
1996. Utah State also puts a powerhouse
offense on the field this season. Quarter-
back Matt Sauk will look for receiver
Nakia Jenkins, who finished fourth in
the nation in receiving yards last year.
Running back Demario Brown, only a
sophomore, is explosive. Another good
back in the conference is North Texas’
Hut Allred, who rushed for more than
100 yards in five of the last seven games
of 1996. Seven of 11 games on the road
this season will keep the Eagles on the
wrong side of .500. Idaho coach Chris
‘Tormey must replace three starters on
the offensive line, as well as graduated
quarterback Ryan Fien. Senior Brian
Brennan, who was outstanding in his
freshman year, may finally be recovered
from a shoulder injury that hampered
his play the past two seasons. New Mex-
ico State is hoping new coach Tony
Samuel, a former player and assistant at
Nebraska, can bring a little Big Red
magic to the Aggies. Samuel has hired
five former Nebraska players as assis-
tants, instituted a rigorous weight-train-
ing program and installed Husker-like
offensive and defensive schemes. Of the
24 Division IA openings for head coach
posted during the off-season, Samuel
was the only black man hired. Houston
Nutt takes over at Boise State for coach

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Pokey Allen, who lost his battle against.
cancer in December.

CONFERENCE USA
East Carolina.
Louisville.
Southern Messi 5

Memphis
Tulane

Already established as one of the pre-
eminent powers in basketball, Confer-
ence USA is adding schools to ensure its
viability in cleats. Powerful East Carolina
comes on board this season. Army enlists
next season and Alabama-Birmingham
the season after. East Carolina will waste
no time making its presence felt. The Pi-
rates return Scott Harley, the nation's
leading returning rusher last season.
Dan Gonzalez, who stepped in for in-
jured Marcus Crandell in the seventh
game, will start at quarterback. Louis-
ville is improving under third-year
coach Ron Cooper, but a hellacious
schedule that includes nonconference
opponents Penn State and Oklahoma
may not allow the Cardinals to show it.
Louisville's star of the future is quarter-
back Chris Redman, who last season set
every school passing record for a fresh-
man. However, the best part of the Car-
dinals team is the defense, which returns
five starters from last year. Southern
Mississippi, reigning conference co-
champion, returns 15 starters, including
junior quarterback Lee Roberts. Most of
the losses were along the front lines, and
how well coach Jeff Bowers rebuilds
there will determine how high the Gold-
en Eagles finish. Cincinnati has depth at.
quarterback but little proven ability at
wide receiver. Chad Plummer, who start-
ed every game behind center for the
Bearcats last season, will likely get the
nod from coach Rick Minter again this
year. Cincinnati's secondary may be vul-
nerable early, with lots of new bodies fill-
ing in for graduation losses. Conference
co-champ Houston will have a tough
time duplicating last scason's success be-
cause of heavy losses to graduation on
offense, especially at quarterback. Coach
Kim Helton's hopes for sustaining the
dramatic turnaround he has engineered
since taking over a dispirited Houston
program four years ago hinge on the ex-
perience and depth of the defense.
Third-year Memphis coach Rip Scherer
is recruiting bigger and beuer players
for the Tigers, including DeCoryre
Hampton, a 67°, 325-pound Parade All-
American offensive tackle. But for now,
Memphis remains undermanned, par-
ticularly on defense. New Tulane coach
Tommy Bowden. son of Bobby and
brother of Terry, will quickly find out if
he too has the Midas football touch. The

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THE ANSON MOUNT
SCHOLAR/ATHLETE
AWARD

The Anson Mount Scholar/Ath-
lete Award recognizes achieve-
ment in the classroom as well as on
the playing field. Nominated by
their colleges, candidates are
judged by the editors of PLAYBOY
on their collegiate scholastic and
athletic accomplishments. The
winner attends PLAYBOY's presea-
son All-America Weekend, re-
ceives a commemorative medal-
lion and is included in our
All-America team photograph. In
addition, PLAYBOY donates $5000
to the general scholarship fund of
the winner's school.

This year’s Anson Mount Schol-
ar/Athlete is Daryl Bush from
Florida State University. A line-
backer for the Seminoles, Bush is a
two-time Butkus Award semifinal-
ist. He had 101 tackles in 1996 for
the nation's top rushing defense.
He was also a member of the first-
team СТЕ cosıpa Academic All-
America Team and won the Semi-
noles’ Golden Torch Award for the
highest GPA among all male ath-
letes. His undergraduate major
was finance, and he had a cumula-
tive GPA of 3.86.

Honorable mention: Jeremy
Lindley (Southern Mississippi),
Peyton Manning (Tennessee),
Matt Stinchcomb (Georgia), Pat-
rick Tillman (Arizona State), Cory
Wedel (Wyoming), Mark Schultis
(Texas), Patrick Stephen (North-
ern Illinois), Michael Reeder
(Texas Christian), Grant Wistrom
(Nebraska), Brian Griese (Michi-
gan), Barry Gardner (Northwest-
ern), Ryan Olson (Colorado), Jar-
rett Grosdidier (Kansas State),
Stephen Phelan (Virginia), Terry
Jackson (Florida), Dan Gonzalez
(East Carolina), Eric de Groh
(West Virginia), Matthew Reischl
(Iowa), Nate Kvamme (Colorado
State), Jason deGroot (Houston),
David Patterson (New Mexico
State), Cory Sauter (Minnesota),
Derrick Bridges (Northeast
Louisiana), Mark Fischer (Pur-
due), Jeff Pankratz (Idaho)

Green Wave has won only a handful of

games in the Nineties.
.

Once past Notre Dame and the resur-
gent Army and Navy programs, football
life among the Independents is harsh.

152 Lack of media exposure makes recruit-

ing difficult and keeps resources sparse.
Scheduling isa nightmare, with most in-
dies forced to play a disproportionate

INDEPENDENTS

Southwestern Louisiana
Louisiana Tech...
Arkansas State
Northeast Louisiana.

number of road games, often against
powerful opponents who are looking for
an easy out-of-conference victory. And
yet, spirited competition and a sprin-
kling of premium players keep these
games intense. Watson Brown, brother
of North Carolina coach Mack Brown, is
working hard to raise the bar at Ala-
bama-Birmingham, just entering its
third year of LA competition. Brown has
a solid defense, rare among the small in-
dependents. Now he needs to find a
starting quarterback and figure out how
to negotiate a schedule that includes Vir-
ginia Tech, Arizona and Kansas. South-
western Louisiana pulled off the biggest
win in school history last season when
it upset Texas A&M. Coach Nelson Stok-
ley has lost standout players at quarter-
back, running back and in the secondary
from that team. Best player on this year's
team is Stokley's son, Brandon, a wide
receiver.

MID-AMERICAN
EAST DIVISION

Marshall..
Mami

Ohio... E
Bowling Green Siate.
Kent State...
Akron.

WEST DIVISION

Central Michigan
Eastem Michigan
Western Michigan ..
Northern Illinois.

The always-competitive MAC adds
two teams, Marshall and Northern llli-
nois, and divides into East and West divi-
sions. Marshall, 15-0 last season and Di-
vision IAA champion, is an unknown
quanuty at this level of play. But the
Thundering Herd has enough talent to
make everyone jittery, and the first con-
ference championship will be played on
their home field in December. Miami
and Ohio are also strong teams in the
East. A more politically correct Miami
(the school dropped the Redskins nick-
name) returns three-year starting quar-
terback Sam Ricketts and a solid offen-
sive line. Sophomore running back
Travis Prentice has a chance to surpass

1000 yards this season. MAC player of

the year Kareem Wilson returns to run

Ohio’s option offense from his quarter-
back spot. Steve Hookfin has lots of po-
tential at fullback. Over in the West, it's
doubtful that Toledo’s Wasean Tait, who
gained a conference record 1905 yards
in 1995, will be able to play this season
after missing almost all of last year with a
knee injury. Coach Gary Pinkel also has
to replace four-year starting quarterback
Ryan Huzjak. Last year’s conference
champ Ball State goes into a rebuilding
mode after losing almost all its skill-posi-
tion players, including everyone's all-
American punter, Brad Maynard. Cen-
tral Michigan coach Dick Flynn
switched several offensive players to de-
fense after the Chippewas allowed oppo-
nents to average more than 420 yards a
game last year. Fifth-year quarterback

Tim Crowley finally gets his shot as a
starter.
PAC TEN
Washington. 9-2
Stanford 8-3
с 7-4
7-4
бекер көзі 27-4
Arizona 65
Washington State. 5-6
California 5-6
Oregon seen AT
Oregon State 3-8

Washington and Stanford should
dominate the Pac Ten this year, with
UCLA and Arizona State ready to chal
lenge. Time may be running out for
USC coach John Robinson. Arizona
would at least like to regain the stingy
defense that became its trademark in the
early Nineties. The Wildcats’ best weap-
on of the moment, however, is sopho-
more quarterback Keith Smith, who has
a strong arm and quicker feet. The de-
fense got a boost when the NCAA award-
ed another year of eligibility to tackle Joe
Salave'a. Washington State's defensive
line was hit hard by injuries this spring,
though most of it should return for the
scason opener. Coach Mike Price thinks
this is the year Ryan Leaf will emerge as
one of the top quarterbacks in the na-
tion. At 66” and 238 pounds, Leaf al-
ready has the attention of NFL scouts
tant Tom Holmoe becomes
California's fourth coach of the decade,
taking over for Steve Mariucci, who
moved across the Bay to the NFL's 49ers.
‘Tarik Smith, recovered from a knee in-
jury that put him out of action last year,
is a good one. JC transfer Justin Vedder
will take over Pat Barnes’ spot at quar-
terback. The Bears need to improve a
defense ranked 105th in the nation last
season. Oregon coach Mike Bellotti
brought in nine junior college players,
including highly touted quarterback Ak-
ili Smith. The Ducks are thin on both of-
fensive and defensive lines. New Oregon
State coach Mike Riley, former offensive
coordinator at USC, will gradually elim-
inate the Beavers’ option offense, a

scheme that never quite flew under
coach Jerry Pettibone.

SOUTHEASTERN
EASTERN DIVISION

The SEC championship game won't
be played until December 6, but the
champion will be determined on Sep-
tember 20, when Tennessee faces Flori-
da. Will Peyton Manning be rewarded
for deferring NFL millions another year
so he can lead his teammates to victory,
a conference championship and a possi-
ble national title? Probably not. Ten-
nessee couldn't beat Florida last year in
Knoxville, where the Vols are always
tough. Even though Danny Wuerffel is
gone, Steve Spurricr's teams always gen-
erate offense. And Tennessce’s defense
may still be suspect. South Carolina’s
overall talent continues to improve un-

der fourth-ycar coach Brad Scott. The
Gamecocks must replace running back
Duce Staley, who rushed for more than
1100 yards last season. The offensive line
is solid, and junior quarterback Anthony
Wright should improve after a good seà-
son last year. Carolina's defense is fast
and deep. Turnovers and inconsistent
play prevented Georgia from atiaining a
winning record in coach Jim Donnan's
first season. Quarterback Mike Bobo,
who passed for more than 2400 yards
and led the conference in interceptions
(16), is key. Linebacking is the strength
of the defense. New coaches have taken
over at both Kentucky and Vanderbilt.
The Wildcats bet on unknown Hal
Mumme, whose previous job was at Divi-
sion II Valdosta State. All eyes will be on
quarterback Tim Couch, who was the
leading passer in high school football
history a couple of years ago. Woody
Widenhofer, who once coached Pitts-
burgh’s Steel Curtain defense in the
NEL, takes over at Vanderbilt. The Com-
modores have a big-time talent in line-
backer Jamie Duncan.

Louisiana State, Alabama and Auburn
vill grab the top three spots in the West-
ern Division for the second straight year.
Arkansas’ fortunes depend on how well
scveral players come back from last-sca-
son injuries. Madre Hill, who set a
school rushing record of 1387 yards in

1995, is rebounding from a knee injury,
while defensive tackle Geno Bell should
be recovered from back surgery. Missis-
sippi State and Mississippi are both
shorthanded because of probation-relat-
ed scholarship restrictions.

WESTERN ATHLETIC
MOUNTAIN DIVISION

Texas Christian
Southern Methodist
Texas-El Paso...

PACIFIC DIMISIÓN
Colorado State

Fresno State.
San Jose State.
Hawaii

UNLV

‘The great WAC experiment proceeds,
testing whether a 16-team conglomerate
that spreads from Texas to Hawaii can
generate competition, market share and
quality football. One thing is for cer-
tain: It's difficult to build rivalries, or
even familiarity, among schools that
sometimes don’t play one another for
three seasons.

CONNE

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153

154

HOW

Below is a list of retailers and
manufacturers you can contact
for information on where to
find this month's merchandise,
70 buy the apparel and equip-
ment shown on pages 22, 32,
36, 84-89, 116-117 and
179, check the listings below to
find the stores nearest you.

TRAVEL
Page 22: "Road Stuff”
Leather travel tray by Ex-

NYC, 212-308-0055, San
Francisco, 415-982-7077
and Washington, DC, 202-
625-2780. Pants by DKNY,
at Marshall Field's and se-
lect Bloomingdale's stores.
Page 85: Car coat by True
Grit, at Fred Segal, Santa
Monica, 310-458-3557,
Saks Fifth Avenue, NYC,
212-753-4000 and Ketchum
Dry Goods, Sun Valley, ID,
208-726-9624. Sweater by

imious of London, 201 North-
field Road, Northfield, IL 60093, 800-
991-0464. Expense log and organizer
from Savvy Traveller, 310 South Michigan.
Avenue, Chicago, IL 60604, 312-913-
9800. Steambrush by Rowenta, 196 Boston.
Avenue, Medford, MA 02155, 617-396-
0600. Batteries by Panasonic Electronics, 2
Panasonic Way, Secaucus, NJ 07094, 901-
392-4675.

WIRED

Pages 32, 36: "New Wave Radios": Two-
way radio: By Motorola, 800-353-2729. By
Cobra, 6500 West Cortland Street, Chica-
go. IL 60707-4003, 773-889-3087. From
Radio Shack, 800-843-7422. iı
Surround”: Home theater equipment: By
Bose, 800-444-BOSE. By Cerwin-Vega, 555
East Easy Street, Simi Valley, CA 93065,
805-584-9332. By Sony Electronics, 800-
222-7669. By JBI. and Harman Kardon,
800-336-4JBL. Ву Aiwa, 800-289-2499. Ву
Denon America, Inc., 222 New Road, Par-
sippany, NJ 07054, 201-575-7810. By
Onkyo, 800-225-1946. By Pioneer Electron-
ics, BOO-PIONEER. By Sansui, Santa Clara,
CA, 408-988-2831. By Sharp Electronics,
800-BE-SHARP. "Scan Artists": Computer
scanner and software by Visioneer, Fre-
mont, CA, 510-608-0300. Computer scan-
ner by Hewlett Packard, 800-752-0900.
Software by Eastman Software, Billerica,
MA, http://www.castmansoftware.com/im
aging. Business card scanner by Corex
Technology. 800-942-6739. “Wild Thing:
Wireless modem from 3Comm, 800-527-
8677. Wireless service from Wynd Com-
munications, 800-549-9800. Computer
heral by Fujifilm, 800-378-3854.
"Multimedia Reviews and News": “Cyber
Scoop": Dictionary by Hard Wired, 800-
401-6515. Software by Cyberdreams Inc.,
888-357-4337.

BACK TO CAMPUS
Page 84: Jacket by Мохіто, at Macy's and
Bloomingdale's stores. Sweater by Diesel,

26 Red, Santa Monica, 310-
399-4491 and at Nordstrom stores. Jeans
by JNCO, at Fast Forward, Dallas, 214-
631-1589. Hat by Mossimo AXS, at Dil-
lard's, Gilbert, AZ, 602-503-5555. Pages
86-87: Sweater by Nicole Farhi, at Chari-
vari, NYC, 212-333-4040. Jacket by Guess,
at Hechts, Steven's and Famous Barr
stores. Sweater by 525 Made In America, at
Saks Fifth Avenue stores. Jeans by Jeans
Dolce & Gabbana, at Traffic, Los Angeles,
310-659-4313. Pages 88-89: Peacoat by
Polo Jeans, at Bloomingdale's. Macy's and
Lord & Taylor stores. Denim jacket by Po-
lo Jears, at Dayton's, Filene's Basement
and Burdines stores. Jeans by Todd Oldkam
Jeans, at Dayton's, Hudson's and Neiman
Marcus stores. Boots and field jacket by
Diesel, NYC, 212-308-0055, San Francisco,
415-982-7077, and Washington, DC, 202-
625-2780. Sweater by Guess, at Dillard's,
Bloomingdale's and Guess stores. Jeans by
Polo Jeans, at Polo Jeans Co. stores.

DRIVE TIME

Pages 116-117: Watches: By Eberhard,
from Kenjo, 800-548-тімЕ. By TAG-
Heuer, 800-321-4832. By Omega and Mo-
то Design Competition, 800-348-9159. By
Chopard Watch Corp.. 800-CHOPARD. By
American PD Co., Inc., 800-521-5152. By
Cartier, from Fred Repass' Ferrari Memo-
rabilia, 3215 Gables Drive NE, Atlanta, GA
30312-4184, 404-261-5645.

ON THE SCENE

Page 179: “Grandstand Play”: Two-way ra-
dio by Motorola, 800-353-2729. Binoculars
by Bushnell, 800-423-3537. TV with AM-
FM tuner by Sony Electronics, 800-222-
7669. Waterproof camera by Minolta, 800-
528-4767. Wool blanket and flask, from
Holland & Holland, 50 East 57th Street,
New York, NY 10022, 212-752-7755.
Backpack by Bri Designs, ЕО. Box 1649,
Kauai, HI 96714, 808-826-7005,

SCOOTERWORKS, USA 773-271-4224 P. 138 SHOES AND SOCKS BY ADIDAS.

MOUNTAIN DIVISION

With no proven quarterback at the
helm, Brigham Young may be vulnera-
ble to an improving Utah team. Rice will
win its share of games thanks to superior
coaching from Ken Hatfield and to the
Owls’ wishbone attack. The rest of the
Mountain Division is mediocre. John
Fitzgerald, who started for Tulsa as a
true freshman in 1994, is number one
on the depth chart again this season.
The Golden Hurricane must improve
run defense to break .500. The Texas
Christian offense is deep at quarterback
but nowhere else. That's bad news be-
cause the Horned Frogs' defense vill
surrender points. Tailback Lennox Gor-
don, who rushed for more than 1000
yards despite being injured last season,
should roll up big rushing numbers for
New Mexico this year. The Lobos upped
their interceptions from three in 1995 to
12 in 1996 by using five players in the
secondary. What if the opposition de-
cides to run? Southern Methodist loses
three starters off an offensive line that
gave up 33 sacks in 1996. Best player on
the defense is linebacker Chris Bordano.
Texas-El Paso has five quarterbacks on
the roster who have never played
a down at the major college level.
Тһе Miners have a decent defense
if it doesn't spend most of the game
on the field.

PACIFIC DIVISION

Colorado State, Wyoming and San
Diego State appear to be a three-horse
race in the Pacific, with the Rams hold-
ing a slight talent and scheduling edge.
Wyoming won ten games last year, only
to drop the conference championship to
BYU in overtime (28-25) and then get
hosed on a bowl bid. Dana Dimel, who
takes over as coach for Joe Tiller (now at
Purdue), has to replace quarterback
Josh Wallwork and receiver Marcus Har-
ris. He has Marques Brigham, who
could be an outstanding running back,
and Wendell Montgomery is the heir ap-
parent to Harris at wide receiver. The
defense will be quicker than last season's,
and the Cowboys have the strongest
kicking game in the nation with Playboy
All-America placekicker Cory Wedel and
punter Aron Langley. San Diego State
returns 14 starters from last season's 8-3
team, including standout offensive tack-
le Kyle Turley and wide receiver Az-
zahir Hakim. The Aztecs’ biggest obsta-
cle to a banner season is a murderous
schedule. With the graduation of Beau
Morgan, Air Force has no proven quar-
terback to run its option game. Morgan's
younger brother, Blane, will give ita try.
The quality of football drops precipi-
tously from here, with the bottom four
teams of the division (Fresno State, San
Jose State, Hawaii and UNLV) combin-
ing for only ten victories last year.

(continued from page 128) Y

Purdue University
WABASH YACHT CLUB

Rutgers
OLDE QUEENS TAVERN

San Diego State University
THE PACIFIC BEACH
BAR & CRILL

St. Louis University
HUMPHREYS BAR
State University of

New York at Albany
WASHINCTON TAVERN

State University of
New York сі Buffalo
THIRD BASE
Syracuse University
448

Texas A&M University

THE DIXIE CHICKEN
Texas Tech University
BASHS RIP ROCKS
University of Akron

THESUN BAR & CRILLE

University of Alabama

THE IVORY TUSK

University of Arizona
OMALLEYS ON FOURTH

University of Arkansas
CEORCES MAJESTIC LOUNCE

University of California-
Los Angeles
MADISONS CRILLE
University of Cincinnati
UNCLE WOODY
University of Colorado
THE SINK

University of Dayton
TIMOTHY S PUB & CRILL
University of Delaware
THE STONE BALLOON
University of Georgia
LOWERY $ TAVERN

University of Idaho University of Pittsburgh
MINCLES THE ATTIC
University of Illinois University of Richmond
KAMS COBBLESTONE BREWERY
University of lowa University of South Alabama
THE UNION BAR SOUTHSIDE
University of Kansas University of South Carolina
FREE STATE BREWINC CO. SHARKY'S AT FIVE POINTS
University of Kentucky University of South Dakota
TWO KEYS TAVERN THE PRESS BOX
University of Maryland University of South Florida
CORNERSTONE GRILL БАБАНЫ
ANDLOFT University of Southern California
University of Massachusetts JULIES TROJAN BARREL BAR
TIME OUT University of Tennessee
University of Miami (Florida) CIAO ASPIRE
TAVERN IN THECROVE University of Texas
en Sr COPPERTANK BREWINC СО.
University of Michigan
TOUCHDOWN CAFE University of Texas at El Paso
AM й HEMINCWAYS
University of Minnesota ALE HOUSE
CRANDMAS SALOON &
GRILL University of Toledo

THE MAIN EVENT
University of Mississippi

PROUD LARRYS University of Vermont
CLUB TOAST
University of Missouri З - M at
HARPOS University of Virginia
BILTMORE CRILL
University of Nebraska 5 n А A
University of Wisconsin
THE BRASS RAIL THE KOLLECE KLUB

University of Nevada Las Vegas University of Wyoming

ТОМ € ¿ERRYSCRUBE PUB rr OLD BUCKHORN BAR
University of North Carolina Virginia Polytechnic
PLAYERS ARNOLDS

University of Northem lowa Washington State University
DIAMOND DAVES SHAKERS 8
University of Notre Dame West Virginia University
COACHS SPORTS BAR THE SPORTS PACE
University of Oklahoma Wichita State University

BROTHERS EATERY & PUB THE FIELDHOUSE
University of Oregon Wright State University
TAYLOR'S BAR & CRILLE У.О. WRIGHTS
University of Pennsylvania Xavier University of Ohio

SMOKEY JOE'S TAVERN INN THE i)

PLAYBOY

TEA LEONI continues rom page 125

O.J.'s got a horrible, disgraceful swing. The last thing
I want to do is help his game.

think thin lips bob better for apples,
since the bee-stung variety just pushes
the apple out of the way before the rest
of the mouth gets there.

Я.

PLAYBOY: If you were a meal, what meal
would you be?

LEONI: Lobster Nobody eats lobster
when they're sad. Nobody eats it just be-
cause there's nothing else around. They
have to be excited for lobster. There's a
hard shell and pincers, but there are
tools for geuing past that. [Us easy to
crack if gente pressure is applied to the
right places. And then you get into every
bit of the body and all this great meat,
and you dip it in butter. And no lobster
bib. You don't want to miss a drop.

PLAYBOY: You're a diehard golfer. Would
you play with O.J.?

LEONI: No. I don't even have a sense of
humor about it anymore. We all did
once, but it's become exhausting. In in-
terviews I’m asked, “What's your opin-
ion about the O.J. thing?” Not that you
asked it, but that's not a smart question.
What are you looking for? Do you want
me to impress you with something dif-
ferent, like “He didn't do it”? Tharll
never happen. But tell you what. Here's
the last thing I'll say about O.].: He's got
a horrible, disgraceful swing. I've seen it
on camera. I don't want to help him,
mind you. The last thing I want to do is
help his game, but I will be arrogant
enough to let you believe that I could
teach him a few things about golf. His
legs are too far apart, he's off-balance.
He leans off at every finished swing. He
is always offbalance. You could push
him over.

PLAYBOY: What's your tactic when you
play with guys and you're better?

LEONI: I need one. For some reason I can
really drive the ball, and I'm getting bet-
ter. So I've played with men I've outdriv-
еп. A great way to suss out their ego sta-
tus is when I say, "Well, 1 had about a
40-yard advantage off the tee.” If they
don't correct me, because it was actually
only five or six yards, then 1 know the
size of their ego. In fact, I'll always add
an extra 20 yards to my advantage. If I
hear, “Well, yeah, I guess that's right... .”
then I know.

10.
PLAYBOY: Describe the moment when

156 a tomboy discovers that she has power

over real boys.
LEONI: The first time you fight one and
win. [Pauses] Oh, not that kind of power.
I was still a tomboy when I had my first
Kiss, which I guess means you could
pretty much call it a homosexual experi-
ence. [Smiles] I remember he got all
gooey and excited, certainly physically in
a way that I didn't, and I knew I had
him. I knew he’d never punch me again.
We used to fight all the time. Play dates
were easy to get after that.

PLAYBOY: What's more stressful: expecta-
tions of success in TV or expectations of
success in love?
LEONI: Love. The question I always ask
myself is whether or not I'll be good
enough. I have an issue with being good
enough. But if I'm not good enough on
TY, it doesn’t hurt that bad. Not being
good enough in love would be harder to
take. That said, I'm not sure what good
enough is in the first place. I suppose it's
not a place you get to; it’s more like a
state of being. It’s not there, it’s here. Now,
how pretentious does that sound? I sup-
pose if I had been good enough in love
before, I'd be married and have kids, a
house, a picket fence and a Volvo. [Belch-
es and smiles] Sorry. Just in case you need
to spell that, I think it’s "hhhrirflfpppp."
Anyway, I've spent a healthy tax return
on therapy for this issue and I just want
to say that I intend to keep going until
every one of my shrink's kids has gone to
college in Europe.

12.
PLAYBOY: You've lived in various parts of
the world. What has that taught you
about life that you might otherwise not
have known?
LEONI: OK, time to get kind of weird. I
saw other cultures and met people with
different life experiences, and I realized
that while not everybody has known
great happiness, almost everybody has
known pain. It just was an odd thought.
One would need a conversation to know
if someone had ever been as in love,
been as happy, felt as much glory or as
much suspense and longing. But no con-
versation is necessary to know that some-
one had definitely been sad. Sometimes
when I see a grumpy character I'll try to
picture that person at the age of five, un-
der a Christmas tree, with no presents.
It’s an easy way to remind myself that
there’s pain everywhere and a lack of
compassion, in myself as well. And yet
just the act of expressing this publicly in-
timidates me. This began to happen when

I gained a certain degree of celebrity. I
guess I'm afraid people won't be sure I
mean it. They'll think I'm just being pre-
tentious. I sometimes get angry when I
hear other celebrities talking like this. I
don't want to regret having a compas-
sionate philosophy, or being vocal about
I'd like to be heard with a kind ear, I
think we have to extend a piece of our
hearts to the world. Just do it. If a bum
wants a dollar, give it to him. Let’s not
waste our time wondering why, or if
someone's being sincere. If they're ask-
ing, that’s all that matters.

13.

PLAYBOY: If you could be named after a
country, which would it be?

LEONI: I think probably Tonga. It'd make
me sound like 1 was feisty and had
rhythm. There’s something sexy about
Tonga. So: Tonga Leoni. It works,
doesn’t it? Actually I'm not nuts about
Téa Leoni. One night my dad, my mom,
my brother and I—we have a whole lot
of fun together—were a little tipsy and
were laughing about what would be a
good stage name. This was just as I was
beginning to need one. We came up with
some of the funniest names: Ред Tanta,
‘Téa Panta, Lea Pea, Lea Pea Tate. Three
names are good, but that’s usually re-
served for presidential candidates and
serial killers, neither of which I see my-
self becoming in the next five years. But
I love Tonga Leoni. What's interesting is
that I went to school with Masasu Talın-
galonguwa, who was the son of the “big
man" in Tonga. Masasu's father kept say-
ing he wasn't the king of Tonga, and in
fact he wasn't. But when you asked him
anything about the educational system,
he'd say, “Well, as head of the education-
al department for ‘Tonga, blah-blah-
blah.” I'd say, “Aside from tourism,
which is limited, how do you make mon-
ey in Tonga? Do you work only with
Tongan coin?” He'd say, "Well, as head
of the chamber of commerce for Tonga,
what we try to do is. . . .” I'd say, “Do
people get sick in Tonga? What kind of
disease is in Tonga?" "Well, as chief med-
ical advisor at Tonga International Hos-
pital. . . .” It was hysterical.

14.

PLAYBOY: During the show's first sea-
son your character was a tabloid photog-
rapher. Write your own tabloid headline
along with the first couple of sentences.

LEONI: Oh, no! Not that one. OK. It
would be something like: LEONI FOUND
NAKED ON GOLF COURSE. Im dying to play
golf naked, but 1 don't see it happening
in the near future. It's hard to get 18
holes clear of everybody else, and it
would have to be clear of everybody else.
So, maybe just LEONI FOUND SEMINAKED ON
18TH HOLE. Then, the first sentence
would be: “Téa Leoni, after having shot
the best round of her life, was discovered
in panties, cheering, on the 18th hole."

"That would be a good story. I'd like to
read that. Га like to do that.

15.

PLAYBOY: During The Naked Truth’s move
from ABC to NBC, the peacock net-
work's entertainment president, Warren
Littlefield, said that you "just feel like
NBC." What does NBC feel like?

LEONI: [Giggles] I so can't answer that.
"The only thing that comes to mind is
Warren groping Friends stars. In my fan-
tasy, that must be what the quote is
about. I know that he has never groped
me, and it's highly unlikely that he has
ever groped anybody else. Honestly, I
have no idea what he was talking about.
Or what you’re talking about.

16.

PLAYBOY: You've admitted to fantasizing
about being a tollbooth attendant. What
would make us switch to your lane?
LEONI: I would be the best toll collector.
Let me expand on that so you don't
think Гтп just odd. When I was six years
old my family used to drive back and
forth between New Jersey and New York
over the George Washington Bridge.
And every time my dad would hand
money to this guy in the booth. I used to
think, Look at all these cars—and this is
just one moment in the day. By the end
of the day, everybody's given you a buck-
fifty—or a buck, depending on how ac-
curate I want to be about my age. You'd
make thousands of dollars being 1n that
booth. And it was warm in there, and
buu-cold outside, and you had music.
What more did you need for a job?
You'd say "Hi" to everybody and they'd
say "Hi" back, unless they were jerks. It
seemed idyllic.

17.

PLAYBOY: What piece of infomercial exer-
сізе equipment wouldn't you be caught
dead with at home?

LEONI: I wouldn't be caught dead with
any of them. We had Suzanne Somers on
the show with her bun-warper or what-
ever it's called. No, it was the Thigh М;
ter. I nearly knocked myself out with
that. All I remember is this thick blue
foam heading into my face at around 80
miles an hour. And when I woke up
1 was watching, from a ground view,
Suzanne Somers demonstrating the cor-
rect way to use her product. I was hu-
miliated. I'll never go back. PS., I order
off the TV all the time. I love CDs like
The Best of the Seventies.

18.

PLAYBOY: You went to the exclusive
Brearley School. We know what they say
about Catholic girls, but is it true what
they say about Brearley girls?

LEONI: Let me tell you right now that the
school mascot is a beaver. Help me.
Why? I don't think you have to be that
hip to put two and two together. It’s an

all-girl school in New York and the mas-
cot is a beaver. Busy beavers, The Brear-
ley Beavers. I never recovered from
that. Needless to say, I don't own a
school ring.

19.

PLAYBOY: What part of your wardrobe do
you pay the least attention to?

LEONI: I honestly don't care about any of
it. It's probably because Pm not any
good at it, so I keep my wardrobe sim-
ple. I probably have 20 white shirts, but-
tondown, and 20 blue ones. And a cou-
ple of white-and-blue striped. I have
probably 20 pairs of pleated pants with a
wide-cuff bottom. And I always wear a
cardigan wrapped around instead of
buttoned, and my pearls. You might say
1 like uniforms. I like the idea that I can
go into my closet and not have to think.
I just grab a white or a blue shirt; if I'm
really feeling crazy, I grab one of the
striped ones.

20.

PLAYBOY: What's your nervous tic?

LEONI: If I'm in bed for the first time, so
to speak, I squish my feet around 2 lot.
My feet get cold and I try to warm them,
and that's from when I was a kid and
had footsie pajamas. When I couldn't
sleep I always put my feet on the wall
and raced them back and forth. Now I
don't have a wall, or footsie pajamas.
PS., Here's how weird it gets: I like to
sleep in my Vans tennis shoes. I don't
know why; sometimes I just don't want
to take my shoes off. And while we're
on the subject of being in bed, I hate
a tucked-in top sheet. I have to pull it
up. When you go to hotels that do hos-
pital corners, you lie in bed and your
toes are slammed forward like a balleri-
na's. It drives me nuts. I like everything

untucked.

‘And this one’s for sexual harassment.”

157

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CRUDE, DUDE!

(continued from page 142)
brawlers—assemble to slap backs and
joke and talk up the inevitable party. Al-
ready, the fiesta is being hyped as the
weekend's main event. Now Kraft advis-
es one Hilltopper on the best way to care
for cauliflower ear. Conn straight-faced-
ly tells another Hilltopper what a differ-
ence it makes to play sober, arguing in fa-
vor of abstinence. And then that same
Hilltopper tells me why he's changed in-
to flip-flops.

“You get so sore,” he says, “it's hard to
bend down and mess with your shoes.
You shower and you can hardly touch
your head, you've got so many lumps.
Probably that's how the sport got associ-
ated with partying. Before they had
ibuprofen they had ale."

THE THIRD HALF

“In rugby there are three halves, and
you have to show up for all three or
you're not really playing." —knarr

More drinking. Another house party.
This one, I’m assured, will be the biggest
and best. Why? The answers, in the
minds of the players, are too evident to
explain. “Because, dude, we'll get crazy,”
or “WKU and us, it's like gas and
flames.”

The rookies throw down flattened
cardboard boxes, wall to wall, to protect
the upstairs tloors. Jeam president,
Andy McPeak, who lives here, padlocks
the door to his room. Steye, a second-
stringer recovering from knee surgery,
cages his giant iguana. A few players, un-
able to wait for kegs, carry around cases
of beer in a manner that lei
they intend personally to drink every
last can.

As day slides toward night, the revel-
ers pack in—no concussions, blown
knees or cracked collarbones this week,
but quite a few fellows sporting contu-
sions or wincing as they descend the
stairs. The kegs—six barrels of Milwau-
kee's Best, а.К.а. "the Beast"—sit in the
basement. Once the kegs are tapped, the
festivities shift gears. Rookies run to fill
cups for veterans. Rosko, an old load,
takes out his glass eye. Liza, the women’s
player-coach and Conn's longtime girl-
friend, announces she has a nude pic-
ture of every rugby guy.

“You've also got camel-toe," Kraft i
forms her, pointing to her crotch. He's
wearing a baseball hat that says SMARTASS
WHITE ROY

“Well, you're ugly,” Liza fires back.

"Ugly, maybe, but at least I don't have
that. What do you got, a vibrator in your
pants? Let me hook you up to my car
battery and rev the engine.” This time
Liza laughs. In the past, she’s punched
Kraft in the mouth. Conn meanders
over. Unlike Kraft, he has showered and
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SIU rugby patch safety-pinned to the
breast. "Trying to change the image of
rugby,” he says, winking. "What's up?”
Liza touches his cheek, smiles, looks my
way. "You know, I let him give my beaver
a haircut once," she says. "And I shaved
his balls. I won't have hair in my mouth
when I go down."

We mill near the kegs. The basement
is the sort of dim, subtcrrancan space
the players don't seem to mind trashing,
and every now and then, one of them
will turn to a corner and urinate or blow
chunks. The floor is a slippery mess. Ex-
posed pink insulation hangs overhead
On the stairs, а crotch-level peephole
opens, discreetly, into the bathroom
where the queens go to pee.

By now, it is widely known that I, the
journalist, am here. And so I'm constant-
ly approached. Over and over, I’m as-
sured that if I just travel with the team to
Memphis for next week's annual Jacques
Strappe Tournament, or if I return to
Carbondale in April for the All Fools"
Classic, or if I make it down to Kentucky
to take in the Banshee Tournament, I'll
find other teams doing zanicr stunts, in-
cluding, for example, the naked ele-
phant walk, in which players parade in
the buff, arms linked through legs. Or
like the practice whereby road-tripping
players piss into plastic bags and launch
them out the windows of speeding cars.
Occasionally, too, I’m told stories with
details that really stick. I am told about
the naked-rookie beer chug where the
last rookie, unable to hold down his final
brew, was forced to keep at it, in accor-
dance with the rules. Either that or his
girlfriend could blow him, then and
there, which she did. And I am told
about the former rugger who “dated” or
“pissed on” every girl who passed out at
his house. Dated? The storyteller shrugs.
Pissed on? “They'd pass out on his couch
so he thought that seemed fair.”

WKU has started to sing. These are
traditional rugby songs, musical drink-
ing games that, like the Zulu—a requisite
show of nakedness after your first rugby
score—have spread from generation to
generation, coast to coast. Fumble a lyric
and you must shoot a boot (chug a shoe
filled with beer) or, in some instances, do
a crack shot (chug a shoe filled with beer
filtered through another player's ass).
"Isn't itall a bit much sometimes?" I ask
Conn, viho has also gone upstairs, where
it’s quieter.

“I don't like the hazing myself,” he
says carefully, rearranging a shelf of
team trophies made, in part, of bccr cans
so that the first-place ones stand in front.
“There used to be a lot more of it, guys
making people drink piss, gross stuff like
that. You have to understand, though,
that rugby's the only college sport where
guys get torn up for no scholarships, for
nothing but pride. I think that with
some of the violence and the abusiveness
toward women, there’s probably some

latent homosexuality there. And a lot of
these guys just want attention, however
they can get it. As for the camaraderie,
it's like you bare your soul and go
through hell. You vant to talk about it af-
terward and have beers."

The songs resume:

Who can lake a glass rod,

Shove it up his cock,

Lay it out flat and smash it with a rock?

The SEM Man, the SEM Man,

The SEM Man, ‘cause he mixes it with love

And makes the hurt feel good (huk!), the
hurt feel good (huh!)

By early evening, the basement is

jammed and noticeably warmer from all

the bodies. I see а WKU alum called Ju-
nior passed out against a wall. And then
1 see a WKU freshman fetch him a beer
and gently wrap Juniors limp hand
around the cup. I run into SIU social
club president Jay Ferris, who says—
apropos of nothing—“I don't know why,
but there are a lot of hootchy mamas
ready to spread their legs for the team.”
I run into Siouxsie, a female rugger who
concurs: “All the women players say they

hate the guys, but they're sleeping with
half of them. Rugby’s so violent, it’s a
turn-on. What can 1 say?”

She stands beside a young Hilltop-
per—still in his jersey—who’s exhi
a perma-grin and half closed eyes. "So is
that why you play?" I ask him. He shakes
his head. "Nope. I think guys play be-
cause it’s like riding a Harley, it's like
having a tattoo. You're a badass and that
sets you apart."

Another thing that sets them apart i
the nakedness. An impromptu rookie
beer chug has started up. The rookies,
stripped and dangling, form a line, do-
ing their blushing best to avoid eye con-
tact. The crowd presses in. The queens
snap pictures. “Look at those dicks,”
they shriek, “look at those balls. Isn't
rugby great?” Beer after beer is thrown
back for speed. First to finish wins. Each
round's losers chug again. After several
rounds—maybe five 16-ounce cups in
five minutes—one of the rookies tries to
bow out. His eyes water. His checks
blush. He minces several steps back. "No
way," scolds a nearby veteran. "We all
had to do it. Drink, motherfucker,

"If it were up to me, Miss Sutton, I'd award you the
Nobel Prize for your chemistry!"

158

Pet ALY ВО

drink.” Several rookies vomit but play
on. Brown, who didn’t make the field to-
day because he couldn't wake up, even-
tually stands alone. It is decided then
that he must streak the two blocks to a
liquor store. Brown sighs. And streaks.
The team hounds him, shouting, “Run,
rook, run.”

The thing that ends the party this
time, aside from the drained kegs, is а
fight. 1 don’t actually see it, but the story
goes like this: A slender young woman, a
pitcher on the SIU softball team, at-
tacked one of the Hilltoppers. Opinions
differ on who's to blame, who spit beer
on whom first. But what's clear is that at
some point, the pitcher, attending her
first rugby event, got mad. The response
from the male ruggers was uniform, al-
most practiced. They doused her in beer,
and then, while Andy dragged her up
the stairs and out, sang, “Na-na-naa-na,
na-na-naa-na, hey hey hey, goodbye.”
Now Andy shows off his wounds—deep,
raw gouges to his hands—while the
pitcher sobs on the back lawn. “I want
my respect,” she screams. “You fucking
animals. God." Conn grimaces in the
doorway, looking out, while Liza
smooths the girl's hair. *Don't let them
get to you, honey,” Liza coos. “They're
just like that, they're assholes. You have
to know that when you go in."

As before, the players storm to a bar.
Kraft and Conn make the walk, but then
Kraft gets distracted by his sometime
girlfriend and Conn veers toward home.
Almost immediately there is trouble. An

underage player attempts to sneak in us-
ing a borrowed ID. The doorman isn't
fooled, and he holds the rugger for the
police. But he doesn't want to be held,
and after a brief scuffle, finds himself
bent over a handrail, struggling to break
an evil-looking full nelson. The rail cuts
into his middle. His face flushes red. He
gasps, "Get—off—me," as if he can't
breathe. The rest of the team yells ob-
Scenities. Lorne House, the Salukis' sole
black player, seems particularly upset.
“Just back the fuck off of him, dude. Why
you got to be like that? Just take his ID."
More bouncers arrive, and these are the
big ones they keep in back. They wear
white tuxedo shirts and bow ties and
they make something close to minimum
wage. Somehow, the player manages to
throw his weight so that he and the
doorman lurch backward. Now one of
the bigger bouncers steps in, and togeth-
er they slam him facedown onto the
floor, leveraging their knees against the
back of his neck.

"This thing with the knees isa problem
for Lorne. “Naw, fuck that,” he says, and
with a few brutal jerks, throws the door-
man dear, then grips the bouncer by his
shirt and runs him through the front
door, lowering his shoulder for max im-
pact. Lorne bounces the bouncers. Then
he returns—huffing and wild-eyed—
and disappears into the crowd until he
and Bull Frog, a rotund, pink-faced Hill-
topper with a harelip, start to bump
chests. Why this chest bumping is any-
one's guess. They were supposed to arm
wrestle— Bull Frog has a habit of flexing
his right biceps and mumbling, "You

"What about fishnet stockings? Now that's sexy! Sexy,
sexy, sexy! But hard to find in larger sizes."

want a shot at the title?"—but somehow
that challenge spun out of control. This
time it’s Lorne who gets bounced,
though he doesn't struggle and his de-
parture coincides with a bit of comic re-
lief: Two female ruggers do a “tit smash”
in the window to distract the police
who've parked out front. "Watch this,"
they say. Breasts meet glass. Giggles
of glee.

The night drags on. The acting out
and one-upmanship continue—tokes
from a one-hitter, the random kissing of
random girls, more flies unzipped, more
shots and beers. But when the place fi-
nally empties and the weekend's festivi-
ties near their close, it’s not clear what
the future will hold—not for the eve-
ning, nor the team, nor the sport itself.
What's obvious is that this college rugby
club serves as a sort of refuge for the dis-
possessed, the non-Greek, the unlet-
tered, the kids from broken homes who
speak of "brotherhood" and "family"
and “stress relief" Many feel confident
they'll go on to land jobs from rugby
alums. Many share a distincdy primal
code of conduct, a code one might come
to expect from ruggers in their element,
among their own. But when WKU's Bull
Frog, bedecked in shorts, beer-soaked
"Eshirt and horned Viking helmet strays
into the middle of the street, a public
space, all bets are off as to what will take
place. Will he du something funny? Will
he hurt himself or someone else? Should
everyone brace for a bad collision?

A few oglers keep an сус out for pass-
ing cars. Most of the ruggers move on.
Some return to the scene of the base-
ment party, where porn plays on TV up-
stairs and where Chad Barclay, a senior
Saluki, smashes furniture and yells,
“This is my house.” Meanwhile, another
Saluki senior, Ray, ducks into Jimmy
John’s sandwich shop and accosts the
late-night clerk, tackling the clerk be-
hind the counter. He squeezes the clerk's
neck and noogies his skull and demands
a large meat sandwich, pronto, which
the clerk rushes to produce. “That guy,”
Ray says, leaving with his food, “I love
that guy.” And in the next few days,
Kraft and Conn will begin planning the
team’s final road trip, when they'll load
Kraft's 1987 Tempo with a case of Black
Label and an Erotic Film magazine and
bomb toward Memphis for three games
in two days. But for now, with Bull Frog
straddling the center line, straining for
balance (making strange noises before a
cluster of nonruggers), who can say?
Here's a large individual in horns, stum-
bling down a busy street, raising his
hands to stop traffic, looking even at this
distance like some strange creature from
another world you can't understand.

OED CONFIDENTIAL

(continued from page 72)
have anybody else. Except Herbie Hand-
cock," Kat says.

The band—whose members include
PJ, one of Jer's current flings, and Matt,
the guy Amanda has been scamming
with—is butchering Pearl Jam's Alive.
Kat, Amanda and Liz leave the table to
do a lap around the bar. Jen stands at
the edge of the dance floor and stares
google-eyed at PJ playing guitar.

It’s Michelle's turn for true confes-
sions. She describes how she and Brad
got together. "I met Brad through a
friend. We started hanging out and get-
ting totally wasted. One night we were
mashing in a bar and I ended up staying
over at his place. The next day I was like,
“Don't call me. I have a boyfriend." We
didn't talk for two weeks. But then we
shacked again. I realized I was not hap-
py with Sam if I was cheating on him.
Everyone laughed when Brad got a girl-
friend because he was such a player.
Then he sent me a dozen roses over
Christmas. We've been together ever
since. I swear to God, you get a man in
the working world and things change for
the better. He brings me flowers and
other stupid stuff. We'll wake up hung-
over in the morning and he'll be like,
"Do you want some water?' He's com-
pletely grown up. Sam hates me now. He
used to talk about raising kids. It scared
the shit out of me.”

For two years Amanda has dated Alex,
who recently graduated and moved to
St. Louis. She's also seeing Matt, the guy
she took to the impromptu Wednesday
night. Talk about bizarre love triangles.
“Amanda recenuy started to realize that
Alex doesn't make her happy. He doesn't.
compliment her or anything,” Karen
says. "But he has a good body, so she
stays with him."

"She loves his body,” Michelle adds.

EIGHT PM.

While the band takes a break, Jen re-
joins the conversation. “The first time I
ever had sex it sucked. But it eventually
got better,” she says.

A friend of the girls’ stumbles over.
She’s bombed. “Not all college girls have
sex. I don't have sex because I'm not
ready for the responsibility. I'm 19 and a
half and I dated a guy for two and a half
years. We had sex once, and we never
talked again. He totally dicked me over. I
felt like an asshole. But I must say, it's
hard being 19 and a half and being a vir-
gin. Very difficult."

"I'm 21 and T've had sex four times,"
Karen says. The night is taking its toll on
her already down mood. “You want to
know why? 'Cause I can't get any!"

Over in a corner, Amanda is fighting
with Matt. She's using attitudinal hand
gestures like a guest on Ricki Lake. He
does not look pleased. She comes back

and takes a swig right out of a pitcher. "I
dumped him. The shit.”

Liz pulls out a Marlboro. Amanda
wants one too, and so does Kat. They
can't find a lighter so Liz bums a light off
a guy at the next table, Amanda lights
hers off Liz and Kat lights hers off
Amanda. Ahhh. “Tell us about the time
you flashed your tits at Mardi Gras,"
Amanda says to Karen.

"After I flashed, this woman said,
“Honey, will you show your titties to my
husband again? He wants to take a pic-
ture,'” Karen says. “But you know what
was even crazier? 1 saw some guy suck-
ing another guy's dick. They were the
most beautiful men Гуе ever seen. It to-
tally grossed me out, but I just stood
there and kept watching—I was in awe."

Sara covers her face in disgust. "Oh,
come on, you guys!" Throughout the
evening, she has sat saucer-eyed and
closemouthed. She's clearly uncomfort-
able talking about sex, even when it in-
volves her boyfriend, Dave.

Karen keeps going. "One guy was
dancing and the other guy was on a
stool. The second guy leaned back, lifted
up a towel, and there was his huge dick!”

NINE PM.

Last Monday around midnight, ac-
cording to Jen, while she was studying

for an exam, PJ and Matt stopped by to
see if she wanted to go out. “I didn't go,”
she says. "Around three a.m. I hear my
door creak open. PJ is crawling into my
room, and he goes, "Mind if I just pass
out here?’ І go, “PJ, you live across the
street.’ He goes, ‘I know.” His head hit
the pillow and he started snoring in-
stantly. I couldn't believe it. Later he
tried to pull open the door, but my door
opens the other way. He's banging and
he can't get out and I'm like, Shit! He's
gonna piss in my closet! The whole time,
I had no underwear on. I never wear
underwear to bed."

"Never?" Liz asks. "Don't you get
scared that spiders will crawl up there?"

“I thought that once, but a premed
student told me the pH level in a vagina
not good for insect growth. I'm like,
“Oh my God, so what does that mean?
They're gonna drop dead?”

“The pH level in your vagina is not
conducive to insect survival," Kat says,
laughing.

"That's like when Jen had a yeast.
infection and she decided not to use
Vagisil so she could have sex. She was
like, ‘I still itch but I want to have se:

Jen: “That's why it kept recurring.
Can guys get yea
"They get penile
*Did Karen tell you guys that the

“If you're so innocent, why do you need these
high-priced lawyers?”

161

PLAYBOY

162

other night Chuck didn't have on any
underwear?" Liz asks.

Karen is quick to defend the potential
man in her life: “What's wrong with
that? I don't wear anything."

"You wear jeans without underwear?
Doesn't your hair get stuck inside the
zipper?" Christine asks.

"No, I cut mine," Karen says.

“Yeah, she trims it down,” Liz says.

Kat: “I need to pay more attention to
my bikini line. It's all shaggy.”

The 11th pitcher arrives, the cups are
refilled. Kat stands up and makes a toast.
“This weekend my grade point average
and my blood alcohol content are at
competitive levels.” Everyone clinks
their cups, and Kat goes to the center of
the room. She shimmies from the cus-
tomer side of the bar to the employee
side. Time for work.

ELEVEN РМ.

The night is young. The local super-
band is playing at a bar across town, so
jen. Christine, Sara, Amanda, Karen
and Liz hop into two cars. Kat stays bc-
hind to bartend. Brad and Michelle
head home for a quickie, The most sober
of the six, Christine and Sara, are the
designated drivers.

It pays to have connections. With Jen's
name on the guest list, the $6 cover
charge is waived for the Big Poppa girls.
Miller Lite bottles in hand, they beeline
to the outdoor tent. The band has start-
ed. Jen and Sara run hand in hand to

plant themselves in front of Vic, the sax
player and Jen's sometime paramour.
It's high-energy blues and jazz that
makes the crowd bop around. Jen, it
seems, loves those music men.

After a few songs, PJ, who arrived with
Amanda's Matt, slides up behind Jen
and puts his arms around her waist. A
look of panic crosses her face until she
realizes Vic's eyes are closed and he can't
sec her anyway. And if slobbering all
over each other is a sign of reconcilia-
tion, Amanda and Matt are an item
again. The breakup lasted three hours.

MIDNIGHT

The next bar they hit is an upscale
joint with mosaic tables and smooth
cherry-wood floors. Christine works
here—it's where she met John. He's
been dubbed Roller Coaster Boy by her
roommates because he's so wishy-washy
about their relationship. One day he's
into her, the next day he's not. Christine
doesn't seem to care if she has a boy-
friend. She's thin and witty, with pool-
blue eyes. She could get lots of guys if
she wanted. Liz, Sara, Christine and
Karen belly up and order a round of
Miller Lites. “There's Roller Coaster
Boy. See if he'll give us free drinks,”
Karen says. He won't. Dick.

“Ooh baby! Mmmm. Oh, yeah. . ..” A
girl in the middle of a group of guys is
moaning and sucking on the end of her
beer bottle. It triggers Liz’ memory, and
she straightens up to tell a story.

“Try not to smile, Miss Fisher. This joint is
therapeutic, not recreational.”

“Michelle and her ex-boyfriend Sam
were at a ski lodge once. They were be-
ing really loud,” Liz says as she eyes the
glass blower. “The next morning, their
neighbors were like, ‘Oh! Sam! making
fun of them. Michelle was clueless. ‘What
are they talking about?”

Karen: "Amanda says Michelle is loud
with Brad too."

"I wasloud with my boyfriend because
І was comfortable with him," says Liz.
Last summer, Liz and her ex-boyfriend
Tom stopped having sex. Liz was wor-
ried about getting pregnant, but she
didn't want to go on the pill.
time for John's break, so he and
Christine sit on one of the couches.
Rocky, a great-looking bartender with a
chiseled face and pearly whites, comes
over with another round. "What are you
guys talking about?" he asks.

Karen: “Blow jobs.

“We were?" Sara asks, Karen gives her
a just-go-with-it look.

“1 prefer the nonteeth variety myself,"
Rocky says. “You don't have to swallow,
just don't stop.”

Karen: “When I'm in the mood,
there's nothing better. But 1 don't like
being forced down there.” She pauses.
“Does it hurt when we stop?”

Rocky: “It’s not the pain factor. It’s just
that you're getting excited, things are
going all right and then . . . brrrr.”

Karen: “Yeah, but I always feel like it
takes forever. 'The guy is wasted and it
takes a long time to get him off. | end up
getting a sore mouth or lockjaw or some-
thing. At least when you're giving a hand
job, you can switch hands."

Rocky laughs. "And another thing: Do.
not start the lawn mower.”

“What do you mean? Don't pull it?”

“Yeah. Actually, no hand jobs, period.
Because we can do it better, and we can
do it any time we want.”

“So your tip for a blow job is once you
start, don’t stop?” Karen asks.

“What if something comes after? Can't
you start a blow job and then have sex?”
Liz asks.

“Oh, definitely.” Rocky nods.

Sara is, of course, uncomfortable. “I’m
not going to talk about this,” she says.

A male eavesdropper comes up and
In my experience, three
out of ten girls do not like to receive oral
sex. Why not?”

Karen: "I've never done it with some-
one I felt comfortable with. I always feel
self-conscious. When you think about it,
it's pretty gross. And guys don't know
how to do it right.” She turns around to
confer with Sara, but Sara's gonc.

ONE А.М. SATURDAY

"This is the last call for alcohol!" Cou-
ples are dropping like flies. Jen and P]
are back at the Big Poppa. Amanda and
Matt haven't been seen since the slobber-
fest. Kat and Jack will undoubtedly end
up together after work.

“Shit!” Liz says, noticing that Vic and
the band have entered the bar and are
on their way over. “Slight problem. What
if Vic asks about Jen? I have to call her
and tell her to send Р] home.”

“Hey guys. Where's Jen?” Vic asks,
not five seconds later:

Her roommates scramble for an an-
swer. “Oh, uh, she went to get a burrito.
She's meeting us back at the house be-
cause we're . . . uh, having after-hours
and she had to clean up," Liz says.

Christine picks up on the story. "God,
I hope we have enough beer for eve
опе,” she says, with a fake smile.

TWO AM.

Crisis averted. Jen is alone on the
couch, watching TV. Her hair and
clothes are intact. Р] is gone. As the rest
of the roommates arrive for after-hours,
everyone has a job. Liz distributes cans
of Bud Light, Christine orders two large
pizzas and a double order of breadsticks,
Sara uses another phone line (they have
seven) to call Dave. She hasn't seen him
all night. Jen gets up and pulls Karen in-
to the bedroom. "I'm so glad you called.
Р] knew I didn't want to get in wouble
with Vic, so he left. It's not like much is
going on with either of them."

Karen: "I freaked out when they
walked into the bar—I had to call you."

Jen: “Vic asked if he could sleep over
tomorrow night, and I said fine.”

THREE AM.

Vic and his friends leave. Christine
and Liz go upstairs to pass out. Karen
calls Chuck. No answer. She gocs to bed
in her clothes. Jen goes into Sara’s room,
where Sara is putting on her pajamas.

“You know the weird thing?” Jen asks.
“Vic's really good to me. He'll take me
out fora nice dinner with appetizers and
wine and good food and stuff,” she says.

Sara: "That's so rare for a guy. So
many guys think they can get away with
just meeting us at a bar at midnight—
that's so lame!"

When Sara goes to bed, Jen runs
across the street to PJ's house to see if his
lights are still on. À few minutes later,
she's back. “No lights," she says.

End-of-the-night body count: six.
Amanda and Kat are shacking.

10:30 A.M,

Amanda tiptoes through the front
door, wearing the jeans and green cardi-
gan she had on the night before. She
finds Karen in the kitchen and slides on-
toa stool. “I wanted to go home so badly
last night, but Matt wouldn't drive me. I
told him at eight a.m. I wanted to leave.
He was like, ‘Five more minutes. . . .' |
said, ‘Five minutes will turn into five
hours. | don't even remember how I
ended up at his apartment last night."

“Jen and Р] dropped you off there,”
Karen says, not letting Amanda play the
victim. “You wanted to stay.”

Amanda pauses. "I'd rather put up
with Matt's shit than break up with him
and be without. I understand what Kat's
going through with Jack.”

Karen: “Yeah, Jack calls the shots. It
doesn’t matter what Kat wants. When
she starts to get fed up, then he'll do
something nice.”

Sara walks in. Amanda looks at her
and asks, “Do you realize you're the on-
ly 100 percent faithful girlfriend out of
all of us?" Sara shrugs.

1:30 PM.

Kat wobbles through the door. She
reeks of smoke, looks like hell and, like
Amanda, is wearing the same clothes
from last night. She can barely contain
herself: "I swear to God, 1 want to have
sex with him. I won't, but I want to." No
one says a word.

Later, when Karen and Kat are in the
car on their way to buy a keg for their
party, Kat's still thinking about it."If 1
have sex with him," she says, "then I'm
alvays going to want to have sex with
him. 1 might get more attached than I al-
ready am, and I won't get anything in re-
turn. Or he'll be like, ‘I'm done with
you.' This morning was fun though. We
did just about everything. Don't you
hate hand jobs? I finished him off that
way, though. Like the whole morning-
breath, cotton-mouth thing. 1 started
with oral sex but it hurt my throat be-
cause my mouth was so dry. So he came,
and I wiped it on his jeans and he goes,
“Don't. | have to wear these to work
tonight.” So we have to ask him what he
spilled on his jeans. "Toothpaste? I'm re-
ally sore today. He will finger you for
four hours in a row if you let him. Now
I'm all loose and flappy,” she says.

“Did he stop?” Karen asks.

"Yeah, for like a minute, and then he
started again. I don't know what to make
of him. Last night I could've been the
only woman in the world. On other
nights, I'm the last person on his mind.”

FOUR EN.

According to Amanda, Vic is in love
with Jen. "He told Matt that he's head
over heels. He wants to make you fall in
love with him,” she says.

Jen smiles. "I've told him a million
times that this is senior year and I don't
want a boyfriend. He knows. Maybe if I
get a job in Chicago after graduation it
will be different. I like him, and Гус nev-
er had anyone treat me so good."

“By the way,” Amanda asks, “why did
you leave me at Matt's last night?"

"Leave you? You wanted to stay. You
told us to leave, you fool," Jen says.

SIX РМ.

"This is fucking heavy!" Kat yells. She
and Karen are trying to carry the keg in-
to the house. A car stops, and two nerdy
frat boys hop out. “Hey, y'all need some
help?" The boys run up and grab the

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163

PLAYBOY

164

keg. It's inside and tapped in a minute
flat. "We're having a party tonight if you
guys want to stop by," Kat says with an I-
hope-we-never-see-you-again look.

Karen is trying to decide when she
should call Chuck about the party.

"Call him at like seven," Amanda says.

“No, call him once the party is going,"
Sara chimes in.

“But what if he's gone out already?"

“You don't want to seem too desper-
ate,” Sara says.

Disregarding the advice, Karen slips
into her room and shuts the door She
returns a few minutes later. “I called him
and left a message to come over at eight.
I told him to bring his friends." She
starts jumping around. "I'm nervous! I
don't call boys. I hate calling them!"

EIGHT EM.

Amanda stumbles through the door.
She and Matt just came from dinner at а
Japanese restaurant. "She drank two big
glasses of sake," Matt says nervously. Five
minutes later, they are upstairs in Aman-
da's room, making out furiously.

"Oh fuck!” Liz yells, running into the
dining room, where the rest of the girls
are drinking. "I called Mike's answering
machine. At the end I said, “1 hope to see
you soon’ instead of ‘I hope to see you
there.” Does that sound too anxious?"

"You know Amanda and Matt are to-
tally going at it upstairs," Michelle says,

changing the subject.

Kat: “This weekend, I've caught Sara
having sex, I've caught Michelle having
sex and Гуе caught Amanda macking
with Matt. And by the way, Sara is loud!"

Sara turns bright red. "I didn't think
anyone was home this afternoon. I
thought Kat was sleeping."

"rhe doorbell rings. It's Mike. Liz coy-
ly walks to the door. "What's up?" Liz
asks. They go into the kitchen to fill up
his cup. Karen asks if he's heard from
Chuck. Mike says he's at work and can't
come. Karen is crushed.

NINEPM.

Out on the porch, Kat lights a smoke.
“I know my roommates don't like my sit-
vation with Jack," she says. "I don't like
Amanda's situation with Matt, but I sup-
port her. Guaranteed, if Karen saw
Chuck tonight, everyone would be like,
"Go for it!’ but with me, they re like, ‘Stay
away from him.’ This morning was crazy.
I'm so sore. He's got this new trick:
While he's fingering me, he tries to
touch my asshole. I'm like, ‘Don’t even!
If you stick your finger in my ass, you'll
start doing it to your brother, your dog,
everyone.” Liz and a crew of people
come bounding onto the porch
“Oooh—let's talk about anal.” Liz says.
“I'm scared of it,” Michelle blurts out.
"I will not partake.” She pauses. “All
right, I might, but I won't like it.

“Pm really pissed! No one’s come forward to claim responsibility."

“1 did it once but it was an accident,”
saysa new girl, a recent arrival.

"How can that be an accident? Were
you drunk?" Liz asks.

“No, Swear to God, when it happened
it was an accident. I thought I broke
something, that’s how much it hurt.”

Kat: "Thank you. I agree."

Теп: “Гуе had a guy stick his finger up
my ass before, and I just felt uncornfort-
able. All I was thinking the whole time
was, OK, this is my ass, and there's shit
up there. What are you going to do
when you pull your hand out of there2"

Michelle: "For me, that's not even it.
It's the pain factor."

Jen: “It doesn't hurt.”

The new girl: “Don't tell me it doesn't
hurt. After we did it accidentally, I was
like, “Don't ever do that to me again.’ 1
was in pain for two days. I was scared
that I wasn't going to be able to shit. I
thought something was wrong."

Kat: "And you don't want to go to the
doctor and be like, ‘All right, I had anal
sex, and now something's wrong.”

Michelle: “Гуе heard from some other
people that the first time's bad, but the
second time's E

Amanda and Matt walk in. “Where
have you been, orgasm girl? You
changed your clothes and everything!"
Liz yells. Amanda just smiles

ONE А.М. SUNDAY

Kat slips past the bouncers at work.
Jack's at the bar, pouring drafts and
smoking a Camel. Kat jostles up. “Hey,”
she says. He smiles. She looks down at
his leg. "Is that toothpaste on your
jeans?” “Ha-ha,” he says. "What are you
doing after work?" she asks. He shrugs.
He gets paged over the loudspeaker.
"Listen, ГЇЇ talk to you later, all right?"
he says and walks away. She waits for ten
minutes and leaves. "I guess I had my
sharc last night," she says.

2:15 AM.

Jen, Vic, Kat and Karen are back at
the Big Poppa, trying to stomach a few
more drinks. “I hate wasting all this
beer," Jen says, referring to the three
quarters-full keg. Karen checks the an-
swering machine. No Chuck. Amanda
staggers in with Matt and Р].

"] need to pass out," Amanda slurs
and half smiles. Matt rolls his eyes,
chuckles and drags her upstairs.

“Iwo pizzas and many breadsticks later,
the night is officially over. Sara and Dave
are fast asleep. Michelle and Brad
Michelle's room. Jen and Vic, Chri
and Roller Coaster Boy and Liz and
Mike head for bed.

At the honk of a car horn, Kat grabs
her coat. Jack has come to pick her up
for a shack. "Don't wait up,” she says

“1 won't,” Karen says. She dumps out
her beer into the sink and heads for bed.

'
1 UXLMED

(continued from page 108)
I would flex my shoulders and pecs and
just growl in her face—ruff ruff ruff,
grrr. Melanie asked me to be nicer to
her mom. I said, “For you, Melanie,”
and I brought my hips up closer to her
chest and slid a leg across her cushiony
body.

Melanie liked to come in my room
when our parents were making up. She
would kneel in the dark in front of my
pullout sleeper making sexy breath nois-
es in my ear while her fingernails skated
across the rips in my abs. We couldn't
hear the words our parents were saying
on the other side of the wall, but we
knew from their voices what they meant.
If the TV was on, that was a peace sign.
It meant the grown-ups had gotten in a
better mood, and they'd be fucking the
creaks out of the bed frame soon. Their
starting in was like the sound of rails
splitting to me. Their voices hush, Liz’
legs spreading, coochie-coo, and you
could feel the jolting of the headboard.
Melanie and I would stop what we were
doing, sit up in the shadows of each oth-
er's bodies, me hating her mom, her hat-
ing my dad, and crack up to ourselves
about the way grown-ups were until she
was sucking on her lower lip and I was
holding whatever parts of her were dos-
est to my hands.

Melanie started spending less time at
home. She was getting more involved
with Chris the contractor, who was 27
and had a mustache, She was skipping
school and going sailing with him. She
kept telling me how mature he was. She
would tell me this like I should be jeal-
ous. Her mom didn't know about this
guy. When she got Ds in geometry and
U.S. history, Liz asked her if'she needed
2 tutor. Melanie told Liz her teachers
hated her. Liz believed her. At dinner my
dad told Melanie her problem was lazi-
ness. He asked her if she planned to
graduate. Then Liz cleared her throat
and made my dad look at me.

"Living at home, almost 19 years old,
flunks his first exam at community col-
lege and decides he's just going to drop
out. I think before you criticize someone
else's child, you ought to take a good
lock at the one who belongs to you
Spcaking of laziness, not to mention a
future.”

"I'm saving for a car," I said. I wanted
to call Liz a bitch. A nasty bitch with
a slut daughter. “And a better set of
speakers."

Liz wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't
look at me.

"You're not buying a car until we talk
about it," my dad said.

He was trying anything he could think
of to bond with Liz.

"I'm getting a Testarossa when I'm
21," Donny said.

"And you're taking me to the beach,"

Melanie said.
“IFI feel like it.”

One night, Donny knocked on my
door when Melanie was inside with her
fingers on my balls. He said he had to
use the dictionary for a school paper.
The lights were off, and I was wearing
just a pair of sweatshorts. Melanie had
on a plump white undershirt and danc-
ing tights. I was warm and stiff and I
dragged the sheet up over myself.

“I don't care," is what he said.

I turned on the lamp. Donny was a
porky little brown-haired dude in an
Italian-striped racing shirt and colored
underwear.

“You don't care, what?" his sister said.

"Anything."

"Donny, are you just going to stand
there half naked or are you going to get
whatever you came in here for and
leave?”

“I don’t have to listen to your ass,"
Donny said.

I checked out Melanie’s rolls in the
light by the bookcase. I wondered what
her and Donny's father looked like.
Who'd mated with Liz and produced
these two?

“Just wait till you need me,” Melanie
said.

“For what?” Donny said.

“Wait till you're trying to get a girl-
friend. I could say whatever I want to
them about you. Just remember that.”

Donny made a pathetic muscle and
showed it to me.

“When I do my curls, I keep my back
straight,” he said.

“You're getting there,” I said. “Now
you got to gradually increase your scts.
And remember your breathing. But
don't overdo it. You're just a kid.”

"Why don't you go work some of that
baby fat off right now, Donny? I don't
think anyone invited you into Vince's
room," Melanie said.

Donny looked at me.

“You heard her,” 1 said.

Melanie sat back against the wall on
my sleeper. My dad shouted out to us to
get in our own beds. Melanie made a
face. There were sea-grape leaves and
hibiscus bushes outside shaking from the
long, whistling gusts of wind.

"That Saturday wc were supposcd to
have brunch as a family at 11 o'clock. It
was already storming when I woke up,
the big raindrops popping against the
shutters and bushes. We waited at the
table for Melanie, who I knew would
be hungover. At three in the morning
she had shown up in my room wasted, in
heavy mascara and a pink net blouse,
blubbering “Chris is an asshole” onto my
leg. She smelled like puke and rose cit-
rus. I didn't want to see her cry. I lifted
her into her own bed.

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At 11, Liz was walking through the
kitchen in her quilted robe like she had
something to say and she wasn't saying.
it. I was sitting at the table across from
Donny. In a paper-thin jogging suit, my
dad was flipping French toast and
singing “Rain, rain, go away.” He put
out the napkins and the silverware.
None of us could hear Melanie moving
in the back of the house.

"I'm going to count to ten, and I
promise I will not lose my patience," my
dad said.

I turned around, and Liz took a hard
look at me.

“Do you know what time she got in last.
night?”

“What are you asking me for? Didn't
you sleep in this house last night?”

“Don't answer her like that, Vince,”
my dad said.

"I don't know when,” I said to my dad.

Maybe Donny knows. Donny knows
all."

Donny had wandered out onto the pa-
tio floor, which had puddles all around
the edges of the pool. He was barefoot
with his head down, punting up little
splashes of water with his toes. He was
moving away from us. The sliding glass
door to the patio was open, and it was
moist in the kitchen and loud from
the rain.

“Do you know or don't you?" my dad
said.

"I don't know,” I said.

Liz walked to the back of the house.
My dad put the oval serving plate of
French toast in the middle of the table
next to the syrup, the jam and the mar-
garine. Everyone had a cut grapefruit on
a plate.

*Now!" my dad called to Donny.

Then he lowered his voice and leaned
down to me.

"I'm asking you not to push Liz."

We ate brunch without Melanie. Liz
kept giving me looks in the silences. My
dad finally asked about Melanie's status.
Liz said she wasn't going to make it to
the table, and my dad said that was obvi-
ous. He took Melanie's grapefruit and
put it on his own plate. Then he realized
he was about to start another fight, and
he asked Liz if Melanie was feeling OK.
Liz said she thought Melanie had a fever.
My dad put his fist in his teeth and
looked at his wife with puffy eyes.

After brunch Liz was going to take
Donny to Cutler Ridge Mall, but Donny
couldn't find his money. He whimpered
about how he'd put a twenty right next
to his bed yesterday. Liz said they'd find
it later, she wanted to get out of the
house now. My dad said, after they left,
"Let's just take a drive."

We ran out to the driveway with our
hoods over our heads. He turned the ig-
nition, but he didn't shift into gear.

“Do you think we should just move
out?" he said to me. He was staring at
the flat-tile roof of the house.

“I didn't marry her,” I said.

Above my dad's head 1 could see the
patterns of rainwater beating down on
the T-top. His gold chain was outside the
zipper of his jacket, and he had deep
lines across his forehead that looked like
ripples of muscle to me.

“I won't get anything," my dad said.
“ГІ get half of nothing. It'll all be hers."
"It was all hers to begin with," I said.

“That's not what marriage is supposed
to be,” he said. “It's supposed to be half
and half.”

“It was never equal. Her last husband
was loaded.

“But we've bought a lot of things to-
gether,” my dad said with a crack in his
voice,

"Well, we'll take them,”

"If we do leave,” he said, "you have to.
treat Liz with dignity."

1 looked at my father. I didn't know
what he was talking about. 1 knew Liz
had some kind of control over him, and
once he told me he was in love with her.
1 felt sorry for him. 1 wondered what it
was like to be forced to still care about
someone like Liz six years later. 1 clicked
the garage door closed and looked in
one more time at my bench and free
weights. I could picture Melanie lying
on her back with stuffed animals and
messed hair all around her, winding the
curly phone cord across her bed, talking
on the phone with some other guy.

The next day when my dad got back
from a long run, he told me the plan for
how we were going to move out. He
sounded scared, but like he was going to
do it. Tomorrow he would make a de-
posit on a two-bedroom apartment in
the complex with the sauna and all the
females. Since Liz worked three days as a
hygienist, 8:30 to 4:30, my dad and I
would both take a day off work one of
those days, rent a van and move out as
much stuff as we could while she was
gone. We could probably make it with all
our stuff in three trips.

My dad set the date for a week from
Wednesday. It was in the middle of the
workweek, in the middle of the month,
would never suspect.
his is the best way," he said to
me more than once, confidentially, that
week. "Because I want to be fair, and at
the same time I know that if I sat down
with her and tried to reason out a sepa-
ration, there'd be fireworks. You've seen
how unrcasonable she's been getting the
past few months."

Now my dad was telling me every rea-
son he had ever thought of why it was a
good idea to move out of Liz’ house
What a temper she had, how bossy she
could be, how moody. He busted on
Melanie. She was proof that Liz was a
bad deal. Melanie was an overweight,
out-of-control delinquent, and Donny a
spoiled child. If Liz had ever really cared

about their marriage, she'd have put
him before them once in a while.

Alone in my room, I practiced how
many clothes I could carry in my arms at
one time. How many magazines, lamps
and porcelain figurines of Liz. The
move on Wednesday was making me feel
like I was leading a two-man adventure
quest. I stood on the thin foam mattress
of my pullout sleeper and struck Mr.
Universe poses. "Can our hero safely lib-
erate the palace treasure before the
dragon witch returns and starts breath-
ing down spears of fire?” I asked out
loud.

I consoled Melanie about Chris. She
told me her problems, and I listened to
them. If she wanted to give me a blow
job afterward, I let her. I rested my head
back on my hands and let her get to
work. I was out of there. I didn't give
a shit.

Тһе morning of the move, all of us
wound up in the kitchen at the same
time. Liz was wearing her all-whites, and
she had her viry hair up in barreues the
way she always wore it to the office.
Melanie had on a large football jersey
from our high school with a lineman's
number on it. Tight-ass jeans and plenty
of lip gloss. She was pouring two glasses
of Five Alive by the sink for herself and
Donny. My dad was next to the refriger-
ator, chugging coffee.

“Pm leaving,” Liz said. “Ве good."
‘ee you, Mom,” Melanie said. “We
will.”

“All right, Larry,” Liz said.

“TI see you,” my dad said, like he was
about to cry.

Liz kissed Donny on the forehead.
Donny had pretty much stopped talking
to me, too, lately. He picked up his
things and walked to the bus stop.

Ina few minutes Melanie went out the
front door to wait for her ride. I went
down the pathway after her. Her tight
jeans were looking good.

"Is number 61 Hector Villanueva?" I
said when our feet were on the edge
of the street. I used to play some JV
cornerback.

Melanie was looking up the block to
see ifanyone was turning our way.

“Uh-huh,” she said.

"I know that guy.”

“Yeah, he said he knew you.”

“That guy can squat,” I said. “Espe-
cially for a Cuban.”

Melanie wasn't saying anything about
him.

“How much is he squatting now?" I
asked her.

“I only just started hanging out with
him,” she said. “I can just tell you he's
built."

А car came up our street, but it wasn't.
Melanie's ride. Already the sky was blue
like the middle of the day, with a sun you
couldn't put your eyes near, and all the

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big white clouds were whizzing by over
other people's houses.

"Are you into him?" I said.

1 checked out Melanie from the side.
She shrugged and pushed out her lips.

"Doesn't he have a black Trans Am?"
I said.

"Stick."

"I bet it's nice inside."

"Leather interiors."

"When were you guys hanging ош

"Why are you asking me all this shit

*I don't know. Гт just trying to re-

hot is all I can say."
Melanie had her fingers combing

through the back of her hair and her
curvy ass sticking out in my direction.
She was wearing Wayfarers and looking
upward slightly. 1 was standing there
taking her in and not just her body. Her
face. What it really looked like in the
daylight, the shape of it around the sun-
glasses. The way her mouth would smile
and perk up when she saw Villanueva in
the parking lot before school.

“That guy's on 'roids, isn't he?”

"Excuse me?" she said.

"I knew it."

1 wanted Melanie to look at me, at my
arms, the color of my tan and the defini-
Чоп. Then I said to her, “You're going to
be late." I said it twice.

"Could you write me a note, please?
Daddy?”

“Funny,” I said. "Nice mood today.”
'm just kidding.”
“That's cool," I said.

A bunch of girls pulled up in a white
Rabbit on the other side of the street,
and Melanie got in the far door with her
books against Villanueva's jersey. I
walked back into the house past the
banyan tree vith its long mossy branches
set up along the gutters of the roof.

My dad started getting panicky in the
garage, but I calmed him down. We got a
van with a luggage rack on top.

“All right," he said in the driveway
with the garage door open. "I just want
you to get our stuff. I don't want you
even touching anything that belongs to
Melanie or Donny. You understand me?
We're going to do this completely fair
and square. You carry, I'll load. Then I'll
go do a check inside and make sure we
got everything."

My dad kept stopping and catching
his breath.

"What about stuff that's both of
yours?" I said. "Like the bedroom TV.
And what about the gas grill? That
stuff?”

“Anything we bought while we were
married, we'll deal with that at the end.
Just get all the stuff that’s only ours first.
"That's going to take at least two trips by
itself.”

1 had on my brace for lifting. The first
thing I grabbed was my dad's exercise

168 bike. Then all the other things of his that

took two hands. Most of what was in my
dad's bedroom belonged to Liz any-
way—the bed, the artwork, the chest of
drawers. I emptied his half of their walk-
in doset and laughed at how lopsided it
looked. I gathered big clumps, stretch-
ing my arms around them.

Ме took the first load over to the new
apartment complex around 11:30. Our
unit was on the second floor. We un-
loaded the van and stacked everything
in a mixed-up pile right inside the front
door. A shoe falling in a blender, a jump
rope around a jockstrap. I was bolting
up and down the stairs about three times
as fast as my dad, leaping from a few
steps up and landing on the run.

"You got to pick up the pace," I said.
“Don't get beat by the heat”

We were both sweating like animals
when we got back to the house. No
shirts. My dad was bouncing on the tips
of his shoes on the hot driveway, waiting
while I cleared more stuff out of the
house. He kept looking around the crazy
trunk of the banyan tree to see if anyone
was coming. He told me to go faster, just
get the important stuff. He was starting
to get worried that Liz would come
home before we were finished, think
that we were stripping the house and
lose her mind,

Тһе more worried my dad got, the
rowdier it made me. I was starting to
want to do everything he had instructed
me not to. Just take random shit from
everywhere and throw it in towels and
load it up. I had the air conditioner
down to a nice moving temperature. A
rolled bandanna around my forehead,
cutoff blue jeans, the leather brace and
steel-toed work boots. I felt wild.

In front of Donny's room, I plotted
what kind of damage I could do and how
quickly. What could I take that would
piss Liz off the most? 1 jumped up and
slapped the hallvay ceiling, straight ver-
tical, ten times in a row. The idea that I
was never going to have to look at Liz
face again was making me feel like any-
thing was possible for me. I did 20 clap
push-ups and ten more on fists.

With my chest out as far as it could go
I flung open the door to my room. I
didn't own much. What I had didn't
even fill up the van. My dad said don't
forget the rest of his kitchen stuff, and
living room stuff and patio stuff. While I
was back inside, I started doing some re-
arranging. I tucked Liz' diaphragm un-
der Donny's pillow. Then I dropped one
of her silver rings in the toilet tank in the
master bathroom. After that I turned
over all the photographs of her and my
dad together.

A few more trips, and I wasn't satis-
fied. So I began taking. I wanted Liz to
know that she hadn't gotten away with
the last six years. I took all the quarters
out of her change tray in the pantry,
dumped them in a pillowcase with some
other things she would notice were miss-

ing, like her two-liter plastic bottles of
Diet Coke, and carried the whole pack-
age out to my dad in a paper grocery
bag. I took Donny's ten-pound dumb-
bells. wrapped in one of my sheets. I
wanted more, so I went for Donny's ba-
by teeth that Liz kept in a little lined box
in her bathroom. I put the clasp box in
my front pocket until I could decide if I
really wanted to take it.

By 3:30, the second load was at the
new apartment, and my shoulders were
getting pooped. Now my dad had to
make the big decisions. What to do about
the three major items lie and Liz had ac-
quired as a couple: the Sony color televi-
sion in the bedroom, which had remote
and a better picture by far than the liv-
ing room TV; the gas grill, which he had
gotten the deal on from knowing the
floor manager at Service Merchandise;
and the Chinese screen that Liz had
picked out at an art fair on Key Biscayne,
and which my grandparents had bought
for them as an anniversary gift.

My dad wanted to discuss these three
items with me. He said, "Disregard all
the money I've spent over the years on
repairs and improvements to the
house.”

I said no question, the gas grill was
ours. My dad did all the grilling, re-
placcd the canister. Liz would not miss
the grill. My dad agreed.

"Тһе other two items were a different
story. Liz was attached to that television,
and she had a possessiveness about the
painted bamboo screen, too. We were
going to have to pick one or the other.

I uncabled the TV and hoisted it with
my elbows. My dad wanted to make a fi-
nal sweep of the house while I packed up
my weights and gear from the garage.
We would roll out the gas grill together
as the last thing, close up the house and
stop for subs on the way over to the new
apartment.

In the doorway leading out to the
garage, with the sweaty TV almost slip-
ping in my fingers, I practically knocked
into Melanie and Donny. Mclanie had a
fat new hickey. Her breasts were shapes
of hills coming up out of the six and one
of Villanueva's shirt.

“You really think you're taking my
mom's T V?" she said

I was looking at her neck. I could feel
the weariness in my arms.

“I know you didn't take anything out
of my room," she said.

“I'm just doing what my dad told me
to," I said.

Тһе garage smelled like a swamp. I
tried to let the two of them by, but they
didn't want to move.

I kept waiting for Melanie to do some-
thing extreme. Grab the TV, beg me not
to leave. Maybe wrestle me down and
have Donny pile on.

"What, did you and Brainiac just skip
work and try and get whatever you
could out of the house when my mom

wasn't looking?"

Му dad came around the front of the
garage, gesturing to me in confused
hand signals. Melanie shot a repulsed
look at him, and she and Donny took off
past me for the back of the house. I felt a
cool little rush of breeze from Melanie. I
held the scent of it in my nose. I let it
wash across my face.

"I think we probably ought to get go-
ing pretty quick," my dad said. His gold
chain was swinging against his chest of
hair. His work slacks looked tight around
the middle.

“Мо shit," I said, walking the TV to
the van.

I started hating the van. I started hat-
ing everything that was going on the
whole day. The bags in the back, every-
thing I'd switched around. I threw my
brace into the van and shut the doors.

"What time is it?” my dad said. “I got
to make sure that I get everything I
need out.”

"I'm not leaving without every single
one of my weights."

"First you're helping me get the grill."

“Tm telling you, Donny is not going to
get those weights.”

“Tm telling you, she's not going to
walk away with two out of three.”

I followed my dad to the back patio,
and we started rolling the gas grill across
the Chattahoochee floor. The sound of
the squeaking and rolling made me want
to kick something hard Donny opened a
door from the bathroom and shut it
right away. I could picture the expres-
sion on his pudgy white face when he re-
alized his little curl bar was gone. His
box of baby teeth kept rubbing against
my thigh. I was walking backward. He
saw my eyes.

My dad and 1 were pulling the grill
across the grass to the driveway when
Liz showed up. My dad's arms clenched.
His mouth was a straight line.

He walked slowly toward the van, and
1 stayed put on the grass. Then I walked
behind the van on the other side of it
from my dad and her. I didn't know the
plan. I stayed at the back of the driveway
behind the van, almost on our next-door
neighbors’ lawn.

“You are shit,” Liz said to my dad from
in front of the garage. “You are so full of
shit I can’t believe it.”

They were less than three yards from
each other, and Liz was standing, guard-
ing the inside of the garage. My weights
were behind her. She had taken out her
barrettes, and she looked as though she
had a black-and-gray terrier lying across
her head.

“Where are my children?” she said.

“They're in there,” my dad said.

“So what are you going to do now?
Pack up the grill, call it a day? Huh?
That's not your grill, partner. Not."

Liz waited. My dad didn't talk.

"God help you if you took one single
thing out of this house that doesn't

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belong to you."

Liz waited again for my dad to say
something.

“You just stay right where you are,”
she said.

“This is my home as well as your
home," my dad said. "And I'm going to
go in there and get the rest of what's
mine."

"Don't threaten me, Lawrence. Bad
idea."

Liz went inside. Her white hygienist
outfit made everything feel more seri-
ous. My dad stepped back toward me,
and I came up close to him.

"I'm not taking any chances with her,"
he whispered. *I want you to go call the
police. I mean it. I'm not taking any
chances. I'm going to try and settle this
with her the peaceful way, but I want
them here just in case. There are still

things I need to get out of the bed-
room—and we're taking that grill.”

The way the sky was, and the sun, it
felt like it had been the middle of the day
all day.

1 took my dad's car up to Old Cutler
Road and called the police from a gas
station. I said there was a domestic situa-
tion. The whole time the lady on the oth-
er end was talking to me, 1 was think-
ing of Melanie's bedroom. Me with my
knees on her comforter and Melanie do-
ing her nails over the carpet, telling me
things in private.

I drove back to the house about ten
miles an hour. I kept punching the but-
tons, looking for anything decent that
wasn't love songs or talking. I parked a
ways up from the driveway and walked

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very slowly across the front lawn toward
the garage.

I didn't have to see her to know Liz
was on the warpath. My dad had appar-
ently done something to piss her off roy-
ally. And not just my dad. Vince is a lying
thief, Vince is a bully, Vince thinks he
can bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh.
Talking about marijuana and a $20 bill
and bullshit from five years ago that I
didn't even know what she was talking
about. J got up closer so I could see her.
She was standing with her knees in posi-
ton like an ogre in dentist-office clothes
ready to defend its cave. She said if ei-
ther one of us touched another thing
that belonged to her, she was going to go
into that kitchen, get her sashimi knife
and cut him up.

Now I had my boot against the back
fender of the van. All five of us again
"The dumb faces of Melanie and Donny
on the steps at the back of the garage.
Our parents between us. My dad want-
ing to whisper something in my ear, but
I wouldn't lean in to hear it.

“Well, I guess she told us," I said pret-
ty loud. I was ready to go toe-to-toe with
Liz. Once and for all. I was ready to pick
her up by the hair, swing her around the
garage a couple times over my head and
whack her up against my bench set.

Melanie pfffed like she was so disgusted
about something, she couldn't take it. I
gave her a look. I let her know she
wasn'tall privileged and special now that
she was letting some 'roid-freak lineman
suck on her neck.

My dad told Liz he had only wanted to
divide things up the fairest way. She
didn't need to overreact like this. "The
marriage has run its course," he said.
"We can both agree on that."

He said to Liz, "I just want to get some
papers from the bedroo:
going to discuss the grill
We'll let the lawyers do that.”

"Just get out!” she said. "Leave. And
don't you dare stand there and tell me
I'm overreacting. Goddamned coward.
You and coward junior slinking around
my house all day with a moving van
while I'm at work. How the hell do 1
know what the two of you took?”

Liz was turning pink and red. I was
just standing back, checking out my tri-
ceps, letting my dad do all the work.

Liz waved Melanie and Donny back
inside the house. Donny looked at me
the way I raised him to look at me, like
he better respect me or keep his fucking
head down. Melanie I wondered. What
she might start saying about me now
when I wasn’t around.

1 could see the green-and-white sher-
iff's car pull up in the front yard un-
der the banyan tree while Liz was still
screaming her lungs out about dignity-
her-ass. One big old flappy-cheeked
Dade County sheriff behind the wheel
with a writing pad and a shotgun right
there next to him.

Liz saw the car on the lawn and start-
ed patting herself all over, nervous. She
put a barrette between her lips, then
pinned back one side of her hair. I wait-
ed for her to pin back the other side, but
she didn't, and by the time the sheriff
was walking up to us, she looked even
battier than she did before.

My dad didn't bother to put on a shirt.
I didn't either.

"Folks," the cop said, pacing toward
my dad. He was about my dad's age,
nicely shaven, with a big, beige patrol-
man's hat on, and uniform pants tucked
into knee-high black boots. "Came to

sir,” my dad said.

Three of Donny's friends came by оп
motocross bikes, saw us, checked out the
sheriff's rifle and his V8 Caprice, and
walked their bikes into the house
through the front door. It was the first
time all day I noticed anyone on the
block even being around.

I had my eyes on the cop, his mirrored
sunglasses hanging off his shirt pocket.
He was nodding and sweeping his eyes
around. Taking notes.

“I don't see any disturbance,” the сор
said.

“Actually, sir, my wife has stated that I
am forbidden to enter my own house.”

“You let your wife talk to you like
that?” the cop said.

“Not usually,” шу dad said. “No. But
she's been getting a little rough around
the edges today. You know.”

“This your residence?”

“It is my residence. My son and I live
here, and we want to be able to go into
the house peacefully and get the rest of
what belongs to us.”

We all looked at Liz. She had a face like
she was choking on ideas.

“Officer, I can't believe what's going
on here.”

"The sheriff stood there and gave Liz
the once-over. Chewing on his ink pen,
jotting down notes

“Officer, that man and his son went in-
to my house while I was at work today
and put things in that van that do not be-
long to them. The definition is stealing.
Stealing is what thatis. That grill belongs
on my patio, and that television belongs
to me too. And my son is missing things.
Valuable things. You can put that in your
report. And there's going to be other
things, except I haven't even looked
around yet to see what else. You know, if
the chicken liver wanted to move out so
much, побой stopping him. Do you
see me stopping him from moving out
now? ГӘ prefer it if he left.”

"Lady, let's get this straight. I am not
the judge."

The cop paused to make sure we were
all listening. His radio was steady, the
static over the dispatcher's other calls.

“Festivities are over. End of round
one. Going to be nothing else going,

nothing else coming. I'm working on 16
hours straight, and I've seen all the trou-
ble I'm going to see for today.”

My dad was starting to get mopey
now—drooping his eyes, hanging his
face, holding himself like you'd think
someone was forcing him to stand up on
his own two feet.

“And there's been plenty of it,” the
sheriff said. “First thing this morning
took a dashboard out of a baby’s ster-
num. Going to be half the right side
of that kid's face. Bloodbath. Perfectly
avoidable, too. Vehicle trying to pass on
a two-lane across a double-yellow. So I
spent all morning with the Kid in emer-
gency, spent the rest of the day helping
out on a kook with a hostage, and my
work isn't done yet. Got to stop at Eck-
erd's after this, pick up some vapor rub
for the mother-in-law, or no one's letting
me in the front door when I get home.
See, it's trouble and a mess out there, but
so easily avoided. You gentlemen have
another place to sleep tonight?"

“Yes, sir,” my dad said.

"Suggest you lay it down for today."

I'd never taken my eyes off the sheriff.
His bulletproof upper body, the knife on
his belt. He had a legitimate chest. I was
judging from his upper arms.

“Excuse me,” I said. “I just have one
request.”

I looked the sheriff in the eyes. I want
ed him to know I was different from my
dad and Liz.

“What if there’s one thing of mine,
right in the garage, that I could just load
up in about five minutes? It’s all it would
take. Anybody can watch me.”

“Son, how's your hearing?"

My dad muttered that we were on our
way. He said we would get the court to
give us the rest of what was ours.

Liz was still standing in front of the
garage, waiting for us all to take off. I
locked in behind her at my 180-pound
bar on the bench stand. I could picture
her throwing the iron wells one by one
against the floor of the garage after I
was gone, or clearing out everything that
was mine in there and promising to
buy Donny a whole new set of weights.

‘The sheriff nodded to us and got on
his radio. Then we drove toward the
new apartment complex in a kind of
procession. First the sheriff, then me,
then my dad in the rental van. When we
got to Dixie, the sheriff turned left. I
honked goodbye and waved out the
T-top. The sheriff flashed his yellow roof
lights, and I honked some more and
blasted the speakers.

‘The rest of the week I called in sick. I
kept going for swims and taking show-
ers. I used Liz quarters on video games.
I set up my stereo, but that was it,

My dad kept bellyaching how much
worse this was. He ate frozen enchiladas
by himself on the carpet. He asked if I

sibly, won't you?

PLAYBOY

172

thought things were really over with Liz.
I put on some trunks and went down to
find the sauna.

1 had never actually been in a sauna
before. It was just a wood-slat stall with a
wood-slat bench. I shut the door behind
me and stripped naked in the room. I
found the heat dial on the wall and
turned it up to the max. I was thinking
about that baby that lost half its face.

I üghtened my abs and let them go. I
pretended I lost half my own face. With
my fingers like a cutting knife, I cut my-
self down the line of my nose and all the
way down the middle of my skin. I kept
one eye shut the whole time 1 was cut-
ting. Then I cut the base of my belly in
half. Then halfway diagonal across my
chest. I cut an X where my sternum
made the center. I made squiggle cuts all
over my flesh.

Afterward I took a Jacuzzi and let the
water swirl around in the net of my
trunks. It was Saturday afternoon, and
there were bodies galore. The whole
scene outside the community building
was blowing me away, the landscaping of
the walking paths, the vanilla smell of lo-
tion, the row of green coconut palms in
the turf around the pool. The place was
loaded. I approved. I could hear Jim-
my Buffett playing on somebody's tape
deck. Guys at the hibachi were getting
high. There were girls with loose bikini
strings getting rid of their tan lines, rub-
bing their shoulders down with cocoa
butter and tropical oils.

I had my left arm at ease along the
edge of the tub. Across from me, a cou-
ple of stewardesses were dipping their
toes in the steaming water, talking about
their hectic flying schedules. Now they
were laughing about the bubbles and
climbing in. They had one-piecers on
but some action underneath.

As soon as they were sitting, one
reached into her shoulder bag and
pulled out a cold bottle of pink cham-
pagne. "We've got to celebrate, Julie,"
she said.

Behind me, in the rush of the water
jets, I could feel Melanie's excited hams
around my ass, the pulse from her body
streaming under my legs. I felt the grip
of thighs, the press of breasts to my back.

The stewardesses raised a toast. They
clicked their cups as if they were about to
sail ОЁ on a cruise.

Now I could feel Melanie beside me,
and I tried to think of some way that all
of us could get acquainted. We live in the
Palm Springs apartments, too, I re-
hearsed in my head. Personally, I work
construction, and Melanie here's still in
school. We used to have a house togeth-
er not far from here, but it didn’t have
the kind of luxuries we felt we deserved.

On the other side of the tub, Julie was
pinching herself about her new promo-
tion and tipping some champagne on
the other one’s hair. “Par-ty,” they said
together.

I still couldn't get over the landscap-
ing job. I stretched an arm a little farther
around Melanie's shoulder and asked
her if'she could believe all this was ours.
I was pretty sure she was starting to fcel
morc at home in the Jacuzzi. Just the
way she was biting her lip and not saying
anything, moving in closer like nobody
was watching.

Second place was won by Bonnie Jo Campbell
of Western Michigan University. Third prizes
went lo Kevin Brockmeier of the University of
Iowa, John Warner Fulton of the University
of Michigan and Josh Pryor of San Francisco
State University.

“That's deodorant, dummy!”

TOMMY HILFIGER

(continued from page 68)
HILFIGER: I’m in the process of building a
collection for men, and later I'll do one
for women. The men’s line will be in our
Beverly Hills store this fall, and the
women’s will be out a year from fall. It's
a small business, but we have a lot of cus-
tomers who need it and want it. I get
pleasure doing it because I want to make
hand-tailored suits for myself. My uni-
form during the day is usually khakis
and a white or blue shirt. But when I go
out at night, I like elegant, tailor-made
clothing in luxurious fabrics.
PLAYBOY: Your path in fashion is almost
the opposite of most designers.
HILFIGER: Yes. 1 thought of designing an
upper-crust, expensive collection at the
beginning, but it was such a risk. Having
it fail would have put me out of business
immediately, as opposed to having this
strong platform underneath. Even if I
have a cold season or two, even if I make
some mistakes, I could never fall to the
ground because the platform is so se-
cure—lI shouldn't say never because it
could always happen, I guess. But the
chances of us hurting financially because
of bad colors one season aren't good. It
wouldn't put us out of business. A lot of
people go out of business when they hit
a chilly season.
PLAYBOY. Your women's designs don't
look all that different from your men's.
HILFIGER: In the beginning we talked to
people and everybody said that women
like feminine clothes. They don't want
logos. They don't want the bright-color
stuff. It has to be more subtle, different,
more fashionable. So we came out with
our first collection, which didn't ex-
plode. It sold, because of the name, but
it didn't explode. That was last fall. We
found that women wanted the male-
looking stuff with the logo. They wanted
the name with the patches, the real
preppie, classic, true-blue Tommy Hil-
figer sportswear. They didn't want any-
thing feminine or dressy or fashionwise.
PLAYBOY: What do you make of that?
HILFIGER: The power of the brand stands
for something. The woman wants to buy
into that, but she can't find it from any-
body else. The feminine, dressy, nonlo-
goed, subtle stuff she can find from a
thousand people. But she can't buy my
signature from anybody else. By Christ-
mas we had changed the line and we had
an unbelievable season. Now in women's
casualwear, in most stores, we're in the
number one slot.
PLAYBOY: What happens when an idea
you love doesn't sell?
HILFIGER: I go to the next. 1 don't try out a
group. I usually try out one item at a timc.
PLAYBOY: Most designers would say, “ОЁ
course it's taking a while to catch on.
"Fhat's because it's new, it's radical. It's

nius."

HILFIGER: That thinking, in my opinion,

is antiquated. It's not logical.

PLAYBOY: How do you balance what your
older customers want with the desires of
the youth market?

HILFIGER: By feeling the pulse of Ameri-
ca. I know what a 70-year-old wants, be-
cause that's not hard to figure out. He
wants classics, great quality, affordability.
And he wantsa certain amount of subtle-
ty in design. But it has to be a little new
and a bit fresh. He likes to golf. He likes
vacation stuff. The college kid li
pie, oversize, affordable, cool,
hop kids like bright, athletic, oversize.
They like jeanswear. Girls like a lot of the
same things. Little boys like the logos,
the colors, the same things street kids
like. Europeans like the American look,
as do the Japanese.
Some South Amer-
icans like it a little
cooler. Canadians like
it a little warmer. It's
a formula I have
worked on for a long
time, and I under-
stand it fairly well.
PLAYBOY: The original
chain of stores that
you started as a high
school student went
bankrupt. What

a collection for an Indian gentleman
who owned factories there. We called it
Tommy Hill. Later, I found out someone
there had already registered the name
"Tommy Hill and I couldn't use it.
PLAYBOY: And then you were hired by
Jordache

HILFIGER: Jordache had one pair of jeans
that really propelled the business. The
change was the back pocket—whether it
was a horse's head or a circle or a line.
They thought, and we thought, that they
needed a whole collection of items. After
I designed the collection they decided
they didn’t need it. My wife and I did
that as a team. So they fired us. They
said they didn't need designers.
PLAYBOY: Then you met Mohan Murjani,

PLAYBOY: At the time, Jack Hyde of the
Fashion Institute of Technology was
quoted as saying, “Tommy Hilfiger is not
a designer, he's a creation. I have never
seen an ad campaign so arrogant and
tasteless. Everyone else has done well
with those looks, so why shouldn't he?
But why not just core out and say we're
marketing a successful line? Why all this
song and dance about a great new de-
signer?" How did that make you feel?

HILFIGER: The first time I read one of his
quotes in The New York Times I was devas-
tated. I thought, Oh my God, he really
doesn't know me. He doesn't know I'ma
hardworking person who has as much
business being in this business as he
does. But I'm sure there are a lot of
cynics, still. I'm sure
there аге a lot of peo-
ple just waiting for it
to fail. Last week the
stock took a bit of a
hit. So it really made
me think. It's easy to
make a costly mistake.
PLAYBOY: You meet a
lot of beautiful wom-
en in your travels—
supermodels, movie
stars. How do you re-
sist such adulterous

happened?

HILFIGER: I had two
partners in People's
Place. One left after
the first year and
moved to Canada.
The other stayed.
Eventually I wanted
to leave the business
and design, but I re-

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temptations?

HILFIGER: Some peo-
ple are born with cer-
tain values or are
taught certain values.
If you live by a cer-
tain code or standard
it's not hard to deci-
pher what's right and
what's wrong. Its

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ally couldnt do it be-
cause I didn't know
how to get into the
design world in New
York. Then my ac-
countants came to me
and said, “You owe
more money than
you have.” I said,
“Well, let’s go to the =
bank and just borrow
some.” They said,
“No, you've already done that. And if
you don't pay your bills, you'll have to
file Chapter 11.” So that was a big wake-
up call.

PLAYBOY: How many stores did you have
at that point?

HILFIGER: About eight. We filed Chapter
11. It was a terrible embarrassment to
my family. 1 wanted out, so 1 split the
business with my partner, closed a bunch
of stores. He ended up with one store, 1
ended up with one store. I sold my store.
Later, he sold his. I moved to New York
and got into the design world.

PLAYBOY: Would people have known that
you were the one designing the clothes?
HILFIGER: No. My wife and I got married
in 1980 and went to India. We designed

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who financed Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans.
HILFIGER: I told him I liked the classics,
but I wanted to make them hip. I wanted
to make them different. I said I'd do
oversize shirts and relaxed trousers and
all this other stuff. So he agreed to back
me. We went into business officially un-
der the name Tommy Hilfiger in 1984.
PLAYBOY: Do you think the advertising
blitz that made your career in 1985 lost
you credibility in the fashion world?
HILFIGER: George Lois and Murjani
dreamed up the scheme. At first, I was
арргеће but I thought it was clever
and I didn't have a lot to lose at that
point. So I figured I would go with it. It
was difficult at first. People were a little
pissed off. I'm sure they still are.

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and wife of 17 years. T
know a lot of men
who have mistresses,
but I just couldn't do
that. I also feel I'd be betraying my chil-
dren and my reputation and everything.
Everybody who cheats gets caught. So
why even bother doing it? And how can
you possibly live with yourself knowing
that you are doing something that's Ше-
gal? I mean, the most illegal thing 1 ever
did was speed, or steal a pack of gum
when 1 was a kid, or skip school. Or
smoke pot. But to do something devious
and well thought out gives me the chills.
I also have little tolerance for discrimina-
tion. It makes me sick to see the way
some white people treat black people.
"The way some people treat Jews, gays—
it doesn't make sense to me at all.

PLAYBOY: Was religion important to you

growing up?

173

PLAYBOY

HILFIGER: We were brought up Catholic. I
hated going to Mass. It was a real pain.
But now Susie and 1 practice because we
want to at least give the children the op-
portunity. And now it means something
much different, something spiritual,
wholesome, good. But sitting in church
with my eight brothers and sisters be-
tween my father and mother wasn't a
fun Sunday for me.

PLAYBOY: Are you politically oriented?
HILFIGER: No, I wouldn't want to get
caught up in politics. It'sa false world. I
there's a politician I really
trust, who is in it to help this country.
I've met the Clintons. They're nice рсо-
ple. I know they work hard. I think their
hearts are in the right place. Bill Bradley
is a fine gentleman and I think his heart
isin the right place. But I don't know. To
me it’s a big complicated saga. And my
life is complicated enough.

PLAYBOY: Why does the idea of wearing a
designer's name on the outside of one's
clothes appeal to so many people?
HILFIGER: It has to do with status, which is
very much a part of all of our lives,
young or old. The name Tommy Hil-
figer became important to young peo-
ple, so they wanted to show others that
they were wearing it. Some people want-
ed to show others that they could afford
it. Some wanted to show they were cool.
PLAYBOY: What about the oversize logos?
HILFIGER; We had shops in some depart-
ment stores, but others just had our
clothes on racks. Some stores put up
your sign and some don't. So I thought,
"The hell with stores if they don't want to
put up my signs. My signs will be in the
form of clothes. When I first showed
these clothes to my partners and people
on my team, the response wasn't posi-

tive. Cenerally the response was, Who
the hell would wear that stuff? And I
said, "Well, some people will wear it, but
it'll also serve as signage in the stores.”
So it began to go up on mannequins as
signage in the stores, but it also flew off
the shelves. All the street kids started
picking up on it. Fashion is not about go-
ing to Paris and stealing an idea from
one of the couture designers and mak-
ing it here in the States. It's about the
street. It's about real people.

PLAYBOY: How did American men be-
come so fashion conscious?

HILFIGER: We've had the greatest teachers
in the world. Women have taught us how
to shop, and how important it is to buy
new items all the time, to freshen either
our look or our wardrobe. They have
taught us to be status conscious and to
get rid of something if it looks the least
bit tattered or worn. Also, advertising
and the media have addicted us to con-
sumerism, which is great for me.
PLAYBOY: What do you know about the
working conditions overseas where your
clothing gets manufactured?

HILFIGER: I'll talk about company philos-
ophy and how it relates to that. When
Silas Chou and [Tommy Hilfiger direc-
tor] Lawrence Stroll taught us how to
think big, they also taught usthat the on-
ly way to succecd in a big way is to sur-
round yoursclf with professionals. And if
you have a choice between an A player
and a B player, always go with the A
player. So it costs you more. It doesn't
matter. You're going to get further
ahead. So our lawyers are the best law-
yers in the industry. Our accountants are
the best. Our Wall Street bankers are the
best. We put our people in the best ho-
tels. We choose the best buttons for our

"They say he'd be nowhere without his assistant."

garments. We take the high road. Al-
ways. So we've aligned ourselves with
manufacturers who are the most presti-
gious and expensive in the world. They
control all their production, whether it's
in Malaysia or Taiwan, Korea, Jamaica
or the U.S. And we buy packages from
these people. We don't own our own
sewing machines. We don't own our own
factories. At the same time, this child-la-
bor topic has been so hot we have been
perhaps overly cautious in avoiding it.
In a factory in Bangladesh, for instance,
we have a team of people who sit there
and watch. If they find something that
isn't right they report it to us immediate-
ly. If we've been in factories where we've
found that there are 24-hour illegal
shifts going on, or child labor, we'll pull
out. We don't want to be put on the grill
like Kathie Lee Gifford and Nike were.
We can't afford that. Will it ever happen
that somebody walks into one of the fac-
tories in the middle of the night and
finds a 13-year-old? Maybe, but if we can
control it ín any way, we will. And we're
willing to pay higher prices to do that.
PLAYBOY: You have more money than
you'll ever need, and last year you were
named menswear fashion designer of
the year. Is success still an issue?
HILFIGER: You always want to make suc-
cess an issue. Once you make it a nonis-
suc you become complacent. And 1 don't
want that to happen. I always want to
look at success as being an important is-
sue in my life. 1 never want to sit back
and think I've made it.

PLAYBOY: Tell us about your friendship
ith Mick Jagger.

HILFIGER: Well, we just know each other.
Susan and I own a house next door to
his on Mustique. And prior to buying
our home, we stayed in his.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever talked with him
about marketing and fashion?

HILFIGER: I've learned a lot from Mick.
Here's a guy who has persevered and
weathered many storms. He had this
goal, achieved it, has rebuilt and
achieved it again. He continues to float
into the horizon. I've also had interest-
ing talks with David Bowie about being
onstage, being on tour and making mu-
sic, stuff like that.

PLAYBOY: David Bowie is as much an im-
age maker as he is a musician.

HILFIGER: It is about marketing. But it's
also about talent and intelligence. I've
talked with him a lot about that. It's not
too different from what fashion design-
ers do. The only difference is that they
make records and I make clothes.
PLAYBOY: Can everybody be hip?
HILFIGER: No, but everybody doesn't
want to be hip. Only a small percentage
of the population wants to be hip. It's
very odd in Cleveland or elsewhere out-
side New York n The ratio, outside
places like Soho, is probably 99 percent.
classic or traditional, one percent hip.

(concluded on page 177)

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If you've never made it to Glamour-
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every day. Ask her all those personal
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VICTORIA VALENTINO: |
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waiting for you.

Con they tolk? Twa computer cowy Ploymotes were
recent visitors to the online Cyber Club live chat
room. Bath Miss March 1973 Bonnie Large (lefi)
and Miss July 1996 Angel Boris (above) faced a seo
of questions from their foithful fans. One popular
query: Haw did you become a Playmate condidate?

DEAD SOLID PERFECT

Celebs, golf pros and Playmates
showed up on the greens in June to
support Fore Play 97: The First An-
nual Celebrity Golf Tournament, in
Tarzana, California. Proceeds from
the outing will benefit AIDS Project
Los Angeles, an advocate for fair
HIV-AIDS legislation that

offers free ser- g
vices to Los An-
geles County
residents living
with HIV-AIDS.
This is how
the day's events

SWINGERS: At Fore
Play “97 Lourence
Fishburne hod every
mon’s dream foursome
with (from left to right)
Miss December 1992
Borboro Moore, Miss
June 1996 Korin Taylor,
Miss August 1986 Ava
Fobion ond Miss June
1997 Carrie Stevens.

PLAYMATES 101:
FIRST TIMES

First Playmate photographed
for the magazine: Miss Decem-
ber 1954 Terry Ryan.

First Canadian Play-

mate: Miss March

1962 Pamela Anne

Gordon.

First Bunny to be a

Playmate: Miss Au-

gust 1962 Jan

Roberts.

First two-sided

centerfold: Miss

January 1974

Nancy Cameron.

First Playmate

born when the

premiere issue Б
came out: Miss Jan Roberts |
February 1975

Laura Misch.

First (and only) Playmate to be
photographed with the Pope:
Miss April 1980 Liz Glazowski.

shaped up: 28 golf teams, each fea-
turing one celebrity, played 18 holes
in a five-person scramble format. Co-
hosts Stephen Baldwin, Jason Ged-
rick and PGA Tour professional! Rob-
ert Gamez were among Fore Play's
media sponsors. Unlike his character
in Tin Cup, Cheech Marin didn't cad-
dy here. The day's schedule included
a cocktail reception, a silent auction, a
buffet dinner and trophy presenta-
tions to the winning team. Fore Play
797 was way above par.

PLAYMATE NEWS

"Many of our models pose for the
Newsstand Specials in the hope of be-
coming Playmates," notes Newsstand
Specials Designer Jodi Vander
Woude. And, in fact, many do. Our

latest count yielded 23 models who
went on to become centerfolds. The
list includes: Jennifer Allan, Angel
Boris, Rachel
Jeän Marteen
(middle), Cyn-
thia Brown,
Elisa Bridges,
Maria Checa
(top), Traci
Adell, Becky
Delossantos
(bottom), Neri-
ah Davis, Jen-
nifer Lavoie,
Cady Cantrell, Tylyn
John, Christina
Leardini, Lorraine
Olivia, Tina Bock-
rath, Petra
Verkaik, Reneé
Tenison, Gian-
na Amore, Eri-
ka Eleniak,
Tawnni Cable,
Monique Noel,
Jennifer Jack-
son and Laurie
Wood. This is
obviously not a
coincidence.

JLAYSOYS

The Associated Press ran an item
about The Ruby Wax Show from Eng-
land, which premiered on Fox Televi-
sion last June. Ruby Wax said her
most bizarre experience as a celebrity
interviewer was with Pamela Ander-
son Lee, who wanted the world to

know “her favorite sexual position

in the back of a limo." Hey Pam,

watch out for those power win-

dows. Mark Tomlonson, tomlonson
176 @wmich.edu

At a horse show in Memphis, as we
stood for the national anthem, a wom-
an a few rows up caught my eye. It
was July 1994 Playmate Traci Adell.
There was no mistaking those eyes.
So keep an eye
out for Playmates
wherever you go.
—Travis Hill,
trjh@juno.com

Beauty and
the beasts:
Playmates
have ap-
peared in their
pictorials with
dogs, horses,
cats, cows,
chickens, an
elephant,
geese, goats,
an iguana,
pelicans,
pigs—and
rabbits, of
course.

I spotted August
1995 Playmate
Rachel Jean Mar-
teen at the Elec-
tronic Entertain-
ment Expo in
Atlanta. She was
demonstrating
Nintendo's new-
est game. I intro-
duced myself.
Rachel is intelli-
gent, funny and one of the friendliest
people I've ever met.— Lawrence Ek-
berg, ekbergb@mindspring.com

DEVIN DE VASQUEZ:
"PLAYBOY opened the door to the

entertainment industry for me and
made me feel like one of the most
beautiful women in the world."

QUOTE UNQUOTE

“I met Hef at a party in Los Angeles
and he asked me to pose. It made me
think highly of myself because he had

confidence in me. I

heard I had been
accepted. while
taking a bath. I
went underwater
and blew bubbles. I
was excited until I
heard that I couldn't
wear any underwear.

I was hesitant to show
my behind. But I was one of the first
Playmates to show any behind."—
JEAN CANNON, Miss October 1961

“I was studying acting and needed
head shots. The photographer sub-
mitted them to PLAYBOY. I thought
about it and then
decided, What the
hell. I'm glad I did
because PLAYBOY
helped me bloom. 1
enjoyed making the
Playmates in Paradise
video. My favorite
scene is the one where
Miss June 1989 Tawn-

ni Cable and I roll in the waves."—rr-
TRA VERKAIK, Miss December 1989

PLAYMATE GOSSIP

Shannon Tweed, PMOY 1982,
has landed roles in the Warner
Bros. network series The Tom
Show with Tom Arnold and in a
dy o movie, Shadow War-

riors, which may become

a series. . ., Miss August

[4 1982 Cathy St. George
did ıhe makeup for a

"Z*. wildlife preservation
special starring Cliff
Robertson, Harry Hamlin and
Jonathan Taylor Thomas. . - -
Miss July 1987 Carmen Berg
promoted Hollywood Memora-
bilia with Dwayne Hickman
from the old Dobie Gillis TV
show. ... Miss July 1985 Hope
Marie Carlton is building a
health-oriented dude ranch in
Moab, Utah, to open in the
spring of 1998. . . . PMOY 1986
Kathy Shower can be seen on

Stevens ond Wills party

Showtime's Miami Beach Tengo. .. .
Miss October 1978 Marcy Han-
son was invited to christen the
USS Ross, a Navy destroyer.
Playboy editors invited the literati
to cocktails during Book Expo.
Above, Miss June 1997 Carrie
Stevens gives writer Garry Wills
her 500-watt smile. . . . Miss May
1989 Monique Noel went to
Montana last summer to learn
the art of cattle-cutting for a
rodeo to benefit St. Jude’s Hospi-
tal. Her fan club address: PO.
Box 232058, Leucadia, Califor-
nia 92093. . . . Miss February
1990 Pamela Anderson Lee has
joined screenwriter J.F. Lawton
(Pretty Woman) to package a syn-
dicated series, Fashion Force. Lee
heads an elite but scantily clad
security force that guards the
rich and famous. Pam and Law-
ton hope to have cameo appear-
ances by real celebrities.

TOMMY HILFIGER

(continued from page 174)
The population in general leans toward
the look I have on, conservative and clas-
sic versus black Prada or Gucci. That
said, we are the hip of this traditional
look, which is a good place to be. If
young people are going back to school,
back to college, they want our clothes.
Urban, athletic kids want our clothes.
Asians love our clothes. The girl who's
buying her boyfriend something chooses
our brand. The Gap and Banana Repub-
licare also great concepts, but they don't
have the designer name.

PLAYBOY: Armani Exchange?

HILFIGER: I don't think Armani Exchange
has the right product.

PLAYBOY: Who else, besides Ralph Lau-
ren, is your competition?

HILFIGER: Calvin is in the fragrance, un-
derwear and jeans business in a big way.
I'm in the fragrance and jeans business
ina big way, and my underwear business
is growing. So, yes, we're definitely in
competition. But I don't see myself as
being in competition with Donna Karan.
Maybe the DKNY line crosses. Nautica
does a nice job. I don't think they're
original, though.

PLAYBOY: What is the story behind your
signature—the green buttonhole in the
upper corner of the shirt pocket?
HILFIGER: The green buttonhole was
originally found on the uniforms of
workingmen, gas-station attendants and
mechanics. It was a place for a pen. I
wanted my clothing to be more working-
man oriented from the beginning.
PLAYBOY: What about the crest?

HILFIGER: I wanted a more regal label for
the exterior, so I designed that. My fa-
ther’s lineage in Bavaria and Switzer-
land had something to do with that, but
I simply developed one based on what I
thought mine should look like. At that
point, I didnt like the idea of putting ini-
tials on a shirt, or an animal, but I
thought the crest was Ivy League, regal,
more upscale.

PLAYBOY: It's interesting—the contrast of
working-class with regal.

HILFIGER: I like contrasts.

PLAYBOY: What about the flag?

HILFIGER: | love nautical flags. And then
it's a cross between a T and an H sema-
phore. I love red, white and blue. That,
to me, is a strong, global, modern, clean
corporate logo I will have forever.
PLAYBOY: In the end, what does going to
rock concerts and dropping acid have to
do with today's Tommy Hilfiger?
HILFIGER: You had to experience all that
stuff at that time and place in order to
understand the culture. And a lot of
what I do today revolves around under-
standing pop culture.

PLAYBOY: How?

HILFIGER: We live in a world that has be-
come a small village. We live in a specific

region—the United States of America—
that is all about people from different
walks of life and the cultures they ve
brought with them—from China, or
Africa, or Germany, or France, or Eng-
land. If we put them all into a blender
we get what is and should be popular
culture today. Look at African Ameri-
cans, what they've brought to this party.
Think about if John Lec Hooker and
Muddy Waters and Bo Diddley hadn't
played their music. English rock and roll
never would have had the spin it has.
Think of the Japanese. We wouldn't
have Sony TVs. Look at the Latins—the
music, the dancing. Look at the Olym-
pics, the sports we've been able to enjoy
as a result of so many incredible athletes
around the world. And then look at the
heritage that the English brought. We'd
be wearing buttondown-collar shirts if it
weren't for the English. And the French,
the sensuousness. Then the American
Indians. The Navajo—turquoise jewelry,
rugs. All these things are a result of us
living in this melting pot. Now, if we can
enjoy all those things as opposed to look-
ing down on them, it enhances all of us.
Artists take culture and make it pop cul-
turc. David Bowie. Andy Warhol. Keith
Haring. Bruce Springsteen. The New
York Dolls. Jimi Hendrix. Mickey Man-

tle. Marilyn Monroe. We live with all this
great popular stuff that forms our cul-
ture. Now we're listening to LL Cool J
rap about a certain lifestyle. We're listen-
ing to alternative bands out of Seattle
screaming about their lives. And then
U2 goes on tour and begins to puta dif-
ferent spin on it. We're almost infected
with all this culture, and if we view itin a
positive way, it can be helpful. If we view
itina negative way, it can be detrimental
because negativity is infectious.
PLAYBOY: It seems like all this has exceed-
ed your wildest dreams. What have you
not done yet that you would like to do?
HILFIGER: Well, that's wrong. It has not
exceeded my wildest dreams, because
I'm a dreamer. What I want to do next is
set up a separate division here and do
television, Internet, videos, books, rec-
ords, CDs—I want to do a whole multi-
media thing. My mind wanders and goes
way, way out in front. And I know every-
thing | imagine will happen because I
have their support and I know that they
believe in my ideas. It's the best feeling
in the world to have the possibility —
strong, in this casc—of your dream com-
ing true. But even if it does, I will not be

satisfied.
[v]

“O0000000h!”

177

PLAYBOY ORIGINAL MOVIE

PREMIERE PLAYMATE ШІ 5

WHEN
PASSIONS
COLLIDE

SEPTEMBER 13, 16, 19, 25

Nikki Schieler
Miss September

Layla Roberts
Miss October

[ORIGINAL PROGRAM

PLAYBOY ORIGINAL

PREMIERES SEPTEMBER 19

^m IN E
ТІЛІМ

Hi THE CAGE

eHtertginment
a

than

| ever

1 (М...

"layboy TV delivers the picks of the season
in September. Join Naomi for an all-out, all-
off photo session in Playboy's adult movie, A
Vision in Ebony. See who's zoomin’ who in
the neighborhood in Naughty Amateur Home
Videos Special, And get a grip on your arm-
rest when danger stalks a sexy mountain
getaway in the Playboy Original Movie, When
Passions Collide. Where in the cell is an
inmate to hide when everyone wants a piece
of her? Find out in Playboys adult movie,
Bad Giris: In the Cage. Then shift gears when
Playboy’s Fast Women takes to the road
with the tightest curves and fastest action
ever, So as the days get shorter and the
nights get longer, Playboy TV's 24-hour pro-
gramming keeps up the pace.

PLAYBOY '

Visit our website:
www.playboy.com

Playboy TV 5 available from your local cable television operator
‘er home satellite, DIRECTV or PRIMESTAR dealer,

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE ТЕ НАРРЕМІМО AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN

—

GRANDSTAND PLAY

wool blanket and a flask of scotch remain the twin indis-
pensables for stadium survival. But pint-size portable TVs
to catch instant replays have become almost as popular
as pints. (The one by Sony pictured here has a 2.2"
screen.) Plus, there are now ultraclear walkie-talkies for keeping in
touch with the gang still tailgating outside. (See Wired: “New е

Radios" on page 32 for more information on this format, which has
a surprising range for the price.) The weather-resistant binoculars
and waterproof Advanced Photo System camera shown below are
tough guys designed to brave the nastiest elements. We've even in-
cluded a Cordura Plus backpack with leather appointments and
room to stash all your stuff—plus a built-in seat for back support.

Clockwise from top left: Motorola's Talk About Plus walkie-talkies have a two-mile range ($179 each). Bushnell's neoprene Spectator Series
binoculars feature 7x35mm lenses and roll-down rubber eyecups ($111). The neck strap on Sony's Straptenna LCD color TV with AM/FM tuner
doubles as an antenna ($170). Minolta’s Xtreem Vectis GX-4 waterproof APS camera has an arm strap for easy portability ($175). The wool plaid

blanket ($225) and the antique flask ($640) are from Holland & Holland. The

WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 154,

al Backseat backpack is by Bri Designs (about $80).

GRAPEVINE

Everything's
Comin

Up Rosie

Actress ROSIE PEREZ
says, “If I see a door
coming my way, I'm
knocking it down. And if
I can't knock down the
door, I'm sliding through
the window." Catch El
Dorado for Rosie's
latest slide,

Obsessed With the Dress
Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and
PLAYBOY cover girl AMBER SMITH has ap-
peared on the big screen in Faithful, The
Mirror Has Two Faces and Private Parts. Am-
ber madc the cut.

New Shaq Attack
In SHAQUILLE O'NEAI's
latest movie, Steel, he
battles an eı
gang, which
ing like crashing the
boards. Or

Samantha's
Escape Net
Body beautiful
SAMANTHA KELLEY
was the February
1997 cover girl for
Ironman mag-
azine, and she
carries the

ring cards

for Marriott

Fight Night in
Irvine, California.
The woman really
packs a wallop.

Beck Hits
Rare Air
BECK is fresh oíf last
summer's Н.О. E
tour and is lying
from Odelay's plat-
inum fling on the
charts. About his mu-
sic, Beck says, “It’s just
me getting up there
and speaking my
mind.” He can keep

talking the talk.

Wet T-Shirt, No Contest

Actress JULIE RANDAZZO has appeared on
TV's Married With Children, Baywatch and
Silk Stalkings. She also promoted Sauza
tequila. After a quick gaze at Julie, we've
decided to drink to that.

Strapless
SARA KUDRANSKY has been
in commercials and videos
(including two shown on
Playboy TV) and on

posters and calen-

dars. Cheers for the
off-shoulder look.

ON THE HOT SEAT

Who would you like to see
in skimpy lingerie? Do you
prefer front- or rear-clasp
bras? What drink makes
you a "mean" drunk? Noth-
ing about your personal life
is sacred in the game of
Hot Scat, “the ultimate
exciting, get-to-know-ya,
socializing, things-could
get-out-of-control, guaran-
teed-fun-in-a-box” party
diversion from TM Enter-
tainment in Farmington
Hills, Michigan. “The game
focuses on one of the most
popular topics in America—
relationships,” says Joe Haf-
ner, who, along with his
buddy Mark Lipowski, cre-
ated Hot Seat. If you're in
the hot seat, you'll be bom-
barded with probing ques-
tions about relationships
and deep desires by the rest
of the players. Answer or
use a “rebound” card to
send a question back to the
inquirer. Price: $20. To or-
der, call 888-660-6566.
They're on the Web at
hotseatgame.com.

ROADS TO ¿2
A

soa TRATES

THE BEST OF BETTIE

You know Bettie Page as the pin-up queen of ће Fifies, but you've
never seen her like this, Now, the legendary beauty comes to life in
three color movies (shown above) from Something Weird Video Inc.
The first, Striporama (1952), includes Bettie's “daring bubble bath
scene.” Teaserama (1955), a 69-minute film, is described as “the Holy
Grail of girlie flicks.” And Bettie steals the show as a dancer in Varietease
(1954), a dazzling burlesque film produced and directed by Irving
Klaw. Price: $24 each. These videos (and many more rarities) are avail-
able in Something Weird, a $5 catalog published by Something Weird
Video. To order the catalog or the videos, send a check to the company

182 at PO. Box 33664, Seattle, WA 98133 or call 206-361-3759.

POTPOURRI

THE TOBACCO ROAD
LESS TRAVELED

Amid the multitudes of cigar aficionados
is Philip Collins, a puffer who loves sto-
gies but sees the humor in their trendi-
ness. His photo book (with captions), Ci-
gar Bizarre, shows smokes in improbable
situations, including as "couch cigars"
and attached to the USS Cigarship Enter-
prise (below). Our favorite? The one in
which a condom-wearing cigar sits atop.
The Playboy Advisor on Love and Sex. Price:
$16.95. Call 888-225-5474.

FIRST-CLASS RIBS

Cincinnati's Montgomery Inn, the “
ber one rib restaurant in Americz
making house calls. Dial 800-usa-Rıs,
and from two ($39.95) to 16 ($239.95)
slabs of precooked pork ribs will be deliv-
ered to your door, packed in dry ice and
ready for the grill. For a complete feast,
go whole hog and order number 101

four slabs of ribs, four bottles of sauce,
Skyline chili and oyster crackers, and
Graeter's ice cream. Price: $99.95

VINO VESSEL

The Spirit of Endeavor sets sail this fall for five-day, four-night
“wine experience” cruises from San Francisco to the heart of wine
country, Napa Valley. The small but luxurious ship takes you to
the Carneros Wine District, Old Town Sacramento and Sonoma
to explore wineries and such historical sites as the Cakebread Cel-
lars. At night, experts offer wine presentations. Prices begin at
$799 per person. For more info, call 800-426-7702.

THE LAST SUPPER

Just hours before the Titanic
sank on April 14, 1912, first-
class passengers dined on an
clegant 11-course meal that
induded roast duckling, oys-
ters à la Russe and nine
wines. Last Dinner on the Ti
tanic, by Rick Archbold and
Dana McCauley, recounts the
story of the ill-fated fete,
complete with invitations,
menus and recipes. Stories of
some of the ship's passengers
and pictures of its dining ar-
eas add a poignant touch.
Price: $24.95 in bookstores.

THE LASER’S EDGE

Golf is a mind game, but you don't have to use your brain to cal-
culate how far bunkers or water hazards are from your ball.
Leave that to Bushnell's Yardage Pro 400 laser range finder, a
lightweight and water-resistant binocular-like device. Just point
and click a button, and the range finder tells you exactly how far
you need to hit your next shot. As you probably guessed, it's not
legal in tournaments. Price: $349. Call 888-276-5945.

COCKTAIL COUTURE

In homage to two great liquors, Stoli vodka and
Bombay Sapphire gin, designer Nicole Miller
has created a line of silk ties and scarves
adorned with the brand-name products. The
Bombay Sapphire print features gin bottles,
martini glasses and olives, while the Stoli ver-
sion shows the ingredients of the company’s fla-
vored vodkas, including peaches and raspber-
ries. Ties cost $60, scarves $85. Available at
Nicole Miller, Bloomingdale's and Nordstrom.

DEATH BECOMES YOU

‘These four latex full-head masks from Death
Studios aren't for the faint of heart. Mad Jack-
olantern, top center, is the pumpkin from hell
and only $72. Proceeding clockwise, there's
Death Rat 2000, who's available with sewer
brown, cadaver gray or fright white hair for
$127. The Vampyre ($82) has evil eyes only for
you. And finally, there's Exterminon ($92), a
night creature we'd all like to say goodnight
(and goodbye) to. All the masks are available
from Death Studios at 219-362-4321 or 431
Pine Lake Avenue, La Porte, Indiana 46350.

NEXT MONTH

GOOD vs. EVIL

DRIVING MISS NOVEMBER SEXY SCREEN STARS

SEX IN CINEMA—THINK THE PILLOW BOOK, COURTNEY ROBERT WUHL—THE STAR OF ARLISS SPOUTS OFF ABOUT
LOVE, PRIVATE PARTS AND KAMA SUTRA. RECALL WHAT A ITALIAN GABARDINE, HATING THE BEACH AND ACCEPTING
FABULOUS YEAR IT'S BEEN AND THEN RELIVE THE STEAMY COMPLIMENTS FOR DAVID KEITH'S WORK IN A NIMBLE 200
HIGHLIGHTS IN PLAYBOY WITH JULIE BAIN

BRETT FAVRE- THE LATEST LEGEND FROM GREEN BAY |S TERRY NICHOLS—TIM MCVEIGH'S ARMY BUDDY FOL-
A COUNTRY BOY ADDICTED TO PRANKS—SUCH AS PUT LOWED A DEADLY PATH TO OKLAHOMA CITY. EXCLUSIVE
TING HEET OINTMENT IN TEAMMATES' JOCKSTRAPS. IN DOCUMENTS REVEAL WHAT NICHOLS DID—AND WHAT HE

THIS MONTH'S INTERVIEW KEVIN COOK HUDDLES WITH SHOULD pay FOR. AN INVESTIGATION BY BEN FENWICK
THE NFL'S HARD-LIVIN' GOLDEN BOY

KELLER ON THE SPOT—IT'S BAD FOR BUSINESS WHEN A
HIT MAN GETS INVOLVED WITH THE FAMILY OF A HIT. A FIC-
TITIOUS TALE OF GOOD AND EVIL BY LAWRENCE BLOCK

HISTORY OF THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION—THE FORTIES
WERE ABOUT PIN-UPS, DEAR JOHN LETTERS, KINSEY AND
FILM NOIR. JAMES R. PETERSEN RECAPS THIS FASCINAT-
ING ERA WITH PICTURES AND POSTER ART MANTRACK DON'T MISS THE DEBUT OF OUR NEW FEA-
THE X GAMES WONDER WHY SELF-STYLED JOCKS Jump TURE DESIGNED FOR YOU, THE DISCERNING MALE. THINK
FROM PLANES ON SNOW BOARDS OR FLY DOWN PAVED SEX, GOLF, CIGARS, BARS, TRIPS, SPEED, ENTERTAINMENT,
STREETS ON A LUGE? IS IT FOR FUN OR THE MONEY? — CARS —YOU KNOW, THE GOOD STUFF

MICHAEE ANGET ENES CUT PLUS: THOSE BIG. BAD V-TWIN MOTORCYCLES, GREAT
SNOW—WARM UP WITH OUR HOT TOYS. CHILL OUT WITH COATS FOR FALL AND WINTER. ROCK-AND-ROLL QUEEN
THE LATEST GEAR. FIND OUT WHICH CELEB IS AT WHAT RE- BEBE BUELL AND A SMASH PICTORIAL SURPRISE (HINT:
SORT. OUR TRIBUTE TO THE WHITE STUFF FLIGHT ATTENDANTS)

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), October 1997, volume 44, number 10. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions,

Playboy, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing

offices. Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues
184 Postmaster: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. E-mail: edit@playboy.com.

A SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
— Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

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