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E ROBERT 
ISSUE | DOWNEY JR. 


MISS CANADA 
SCORES A 
KNOCKOUT! 


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© Philip Morris Inc. 1907 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
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simulator. 


Notlongago, Porsche cametous todevelop 
a driving game featuring their new Boxster” 
automobile. Needless to say, we accepted. So 
what do you get when you put a bunch of 
PlayStation” guys and Porsche guys ina room 
together? This: the opportunity to take a 
Porsche Boxster through open-road environ. 
ments and onto tracks like Stuttgart and stomp 
on the accelerator until your heart begins to 


fibrillate. Just try to remember, it's only a game. 


Playstation 


NEVER UNDERESTIMATE 
THE POWER OF PLAYSTATION” 


How to relax and. 
after saving the wor. 


Togeiber again: Smirnoff and Bond in 


“Tomorrow Never Dies.” 


(SMIRNOFF) 


“Tre Sony Camper Ene вата Sory ruin Pau Plato en Sry Copier НН. 
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IVEN THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT IT 
TAKES TO SCORE, IT SEEMS ONLY FITTING 
THAT IT’S CALLED A GOAL. 


FACEOFF 
98. 


PROPERTY OF PLAYSTATION 
ATHLETIC DEPT. 


— GIVE THE 
ыз Epic GIFT. 


> E DIGITALLY MASTERED 
мет UNDER THX SUPERVISION FOR 
4 SUPERIOR SOUND AND PICTURE QUALITY, 
` 4 RELEASED WITH 
COMMEMORATIVE INTERVIEWS 


WITH THE DIRECTOR, AUTHOR AND STARS, 


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3 3 Masterpieces That Belong 
y | In Every Video Collection. 


THE GODFATHER, THE GODFATHER PART II AND 
Т HE THE GODFATHER PART П INDIVIDUAL CASSETTES ARE ALSO 


AVAILABLE TOGETHER IN A COLLECTOR'S EDITION SET. 
MARLON BRANDO IN ТИЕ GODFATHER. 
MARLON BRANDO IS FEATURED ONLY IN ТЕ GODFATHER. 
š ) TRADEMARK OF PARAMOUNT PICTURES. 


ISTERED TRADEMARK OF LUCASFILM LTD. THX 


= TM, @ & Comet © 1997 w Paramount Pros. Ап. Ricos Reserven. BERNER 


ANNIVERSARY 


TRADITIONALLY, December is PLAYBOY's time to reap, to assess 
and to just plain let it rip. If you're not in a holiday mood now, 
you will be by the time you finish reading this issue. 

We start off with the ghost of parties past. Despite his Acad- 
emy Award nomination for Chaplin and his impressive talent, 
Robert Downey Jr. is probably best known for the physical com- 
edy of his drug-addled antics. It's a rep he'll never shake and 
he meets it head-on in this month's Playboy Interview with 
Michael Fleming, a columnist for Daily Variety. "Downey is not 
particularly ashamed of or apologetic about his problems,” 
Fleming says. That's an understatement. In a wild, unbridled 
discussion about his junkie period and his stint in jail, Downey 
relives his escapes from rehab and tries to remember the de- 
tails of the “Goldilocks” incident (he was found passed out in 
the home ofa startled Malibu family). Then it's on to how he's 
rebuilding his life and career with roles in the forthcoming 
films One Night Stand and The Gingerbread Man. Whatever you 
think of Downey, don't call him dull. 

At the other end of the speculum, well-rounded physician 
Andrew Weil’s synthesis of scientific research and alternative 
therapies is advancing the field of preventive medicine. His 
Web site receives ? million hits a month and his PBS specials 
seem to run more frequently than the stations’ pleas for mon- 
ey. Still, Weil is concerned that men—the half of Americans 
most at risk from stress—may not be listening. In Dr. Weil's Rx 
for Guys by David Sheff, Weil swells our faith in herbs that will 
stimulate our sex drive. And though he knocks steak, he also 
explains why washboard abs work only on the covers of silly 
es. 
never know why Andrew Cunanan gunned down fash- 
ion designer Gianni Versoce in Miami. The networks over- 
whelmed us with a shining moment of TV camera lights, then 
moved on to the next big story. Initial reports pegged the 
murderer as an AIDS-riddled serial killer. As it turned out, he 
was neither sick nor serial material. Writer Pat Jorden, a resi- 
dent of Florida, has seen how the Sunshine State exerts a pull 
on both the fabulous and the failures. His article Versace's Par- 
adise (the artwork is by Wilson McLean) is a tale of two cities— 
seedy North Miami Beach and sex-charged South Beach. Jor- 
dan re-creates the comfortable life Versace led in the area 
around his mansion, then tracks Cunanan's miserable last mo- 
ments as, his looks and money fading, he sprang for an $11 
haircut. 

"Though the great white north is known for its chilly weath- 
er, tempers there can run a bit hot. Within two months of 
winning the title Miss Canada International, beauty queen 
Danielle House broke her crown when she struck her ex- 
boyfriend's girlfriend in a bar, which led to a conviction for as- 
sault. This month the Newfoundlander sheds all but her tiara 
in, you guessed it, a knockout pictorial by Contributing Pho- 
tographer Stephen Wayda. 

She's not the only woman out there with a good left jab. 
Golden Glover Jill Matthews says boxing is the "punk rock of 
sports: It’s aggressive and offensive." The number of female 
fighters is growing, and these sisters are spunkier than ever. 
According to Amy Handelsmen, a former movie and television 
development exec from Los Angeles, training and sparring 
beat the stuffing out of aerobics and Stair Masters. In her arti- 
cle Women Boxing, she reveals how she learned to swing and 
brings us close enough to clinch her female idols as they 
square off in Madison Square Garden. Guys may want to 
check out Are You Ready to Box, Men? and How Hard Do They 
Hit? before they climb into the ring with a woman. If women’s 
pugilistic skills ever get as sharp as their tongues, we're in big 
trouble. Kadir Nelson's illustration adds pop to the piece. 

We keep things shaking and baking with Playboy's College 
Basketball Preview by our up-front big man, Sports Editor Gary 
Cole. This year's season will delight the speed freaks among 


PLAYBILL 


WAYDA 


HANDELSMAN 


VONNEGUT 


BOSWICK 


NEWMAN 


BEAUDET-FRANCES, EDGREN, 


you: There are afterburner guards and racehorse forwards 
galore. Cole scouts the toasters and boasters of the top 50 
teams and pegs UCLA as the net winner. 

Kurt Vonnegut headlines our fiction this month much as he 
has stood at the forefront of American letters for the past four 
decades. Timequake, an excerpt from the book Timequake (С.Р. 
Putnam's Sons), is a first look at what Vonnegut calls his last. 
novel. It features the delightfully wry musings of his alter ego 
Kilgore Trout and is illustrated by Istvan Banyai. We pass the 
yule torch from an established star to a rising one: Thom Jones 
shines a light above a madcap madhouse in his short story A 
Midnight Clear (the artwork is by Charles Bragg). It could be the 
most soulful and hilarious depiction of the human condition 
since Ken Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. 

Before humor writer Robert 5. Wieder goes caroling, he likes 
to roast a sacred cow or two. This holiday season he takes 
Chelsea Clinton to school (and drops her off in the waiting 
arms of Stanford men) and caters to Martha Stewart's every 
whim (sharpening his knives on her kitchen steels). It's all in 
js lyrically deft and daft songbook, Celebrity Christmas Carols. 
Then we get ready to rock in the new year. Comedian Chris 
Rock is worth every Lil’ Penny ad he gets his voice on. With a 
new HBO series and the book Rock This! (plus two Emmys for 
his Bring the Pain special), he’s making sure everybody gets 
stoned on his one-liners. We sent music critic Nelsen George to 
Brooklyn for a 20 Questions with today's hottest stand-up 
. Rock burns current black sitcoms and talks about 
walking in Eddie Murphy's shadow. He also debunks the al- 
leged scductive power of humor. In reference to the woman 
in Bill Gates’ life he says, “She doesn't mind that Bill's not a 
ick wit.” 

On the mountain of laughs, there's no disputing that Mike 
Judge and Greg Doniels are at the peak of their careers. They 
had the hottest animated TV show to debut last year. Their 
star, Hank Hill, like many celebrities before him, makes a pil- 
grimage to Holmby Hills in King of the Hill Visits the Mansion. 
Тоо bad he's just there to fix a propane grill. The piece was 
written by Steve Barker, and Steve Boswick drew the panels. It's 
a gas. ("Um, Beavis, the lawyers want us to say, “The series 
King of the Hill is created by Mike Judge and Greg Daniels and 
airs Sundays at 8:30 р.м. Eastern time.” "Uh, you've already 
said it, Butt-head.") 

Matthew McConaughey as you've rarely seen him. The see- 
through splendor of Milla Jovovich. The rising assets of our 
own Victoria Silvstedt. We lift the veil on today's hottest celebs in 
our annual homage to Hollywood's agents provocateurs, Sex 
Stars 1997. Newlywed Associate Photography Editor Patty 
Beaudet-Francés gathered the pictures, Senior Art Director Chet 
Suski designed the layout and Contributing Editor Gretchen 
Edgren makes sense of it all in the accompanying text. Don't 
miss the fireworks. Turn to page 164, students. The History of 
the Bra, our other theme pictorial, is a class act gone crazy. 
Who made the first bra? Who brought us the Wonderbra? 
What did they use before nylon? Who cares? English photog- 
rapher Byron Newman threw caution and panties to the wind 
but got the pictures just right. 

As your shopping list makes you crazy, remember: We're ай 
in this together. The Twelve Gizmos of Christmas (adorned with 
holiday gremlins drawn by Donato Giancola) is a feature about 
handheld fax-modems, cordless radar detectors and other 
gadgets that will drive you mad with anticipation. Then check 
out our Christmas Gift Guide if you have money left for the one 
you love most—yourself. Our fashion spread Yule Togs will 
keep you sleek and chic, Casual, fitted suits and such sensuous 
fabrics as velvet, gabardine and stretch wool will help you 
make a seamless transition from office party to dance club. 
However, you'll have a much better chance of meeting Play- 
mate Karen McDougal, an avid outdoorswoman, by heading to 
the slopes. “When men see these pictures,” she says, “I want 
them to want me.” Trust us—that's the easiest thing a woman 
will ask of you all season. 


Jersey worn by Bronko 
Nagurski in 1943 when, after 
a 6 year retirement, he 
returned to play three 
positions for the Chicago 
Bears, and lead them to 
an NFL Championship. 


Watch worn by Br: 


McDermott the night he 
regained 


is crown as 


arm-wrestling champ 
at Michaels Old 
Town Tavern. 


Te new Ironman Triathlon aralcg/digital comb 


TIMEX ` 
IRONMAN 


Triathlon 
With All Day Indiglo* 
It takes a licking and keeps on ticking: 


ur web sit 


11 


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; + | If 4 

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`. / j ' 


ado 


r JOHNNIE WALKER LABEL 


Enjoy Red Label pad 
©1996 Sheen om G 

Red Label” er 
NEN: AS, (60) 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 44, no. 12—december 1997 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. _ 
MUSIC .... 
MOVIES . 
VIDEO 
WIRED 
BOOKS ....... 


MEN . Ау rota cai ier _ ASA BABER 
MANTRACK . 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM . 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ROBERT DOWNEY JR.—condid conversolion 


BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


AMIDNIGHT CLEAR—fiction ix 3 THOM JONES 
O, MISS CANADA—pictorial EA АСР caren eres Eg 
VERSACE'S PARADISE—orticle sere be aan PAT JORDAN 
PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE—modern li " T es " 
TIMEQUAKE-— fiction hs KURT VONNEGUT 


Hello, 


THE HISTORY OF THE BRA—pictorial. .. . . عو‎ wer 
KING OF THE HILL VISITS THE MANSION—humor.... sees 
WOMEN ВОХІМС—агіісіе. .......................... АМҮ HANDELSMAN 
ARE YOU READY TO BOX, MEN? 
THE TWELVE GIZMOS OF CHRISTMAS. 
PLAYBOY GALLERY: JUNE WILKINSON ......... 
WINTER WONDER—ployboy's playmate of the Grain 
PARTY JOKES—humor . 1 s £u 
PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL L PREVIEW sporis GARY COLE hese Dever bed 
DR. WEILS RX FOR GUYS—profile................ sss. DAVID SHEFF 
PLAYMATE REVISITED: CANDY LOVING . D upp 
CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS CAROLS—humor . E +. ROBERT S. WIEDER 
YULE TOGS—fashion HOLLIS WAYNE 
20 QUESTIONS: CHRIS ROCK 
SEX STARS 1997—pictorial .............. 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY. audiri esa tas eU MS 
IPLAYMATE NEWS seat ee DON ETT UI 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 


COVER STORY 

Only two months after becoming Miss Conodo International in August 1996, 
Danielle House was charged with punching an ex-beau's girlfriend and 
stripped of her title. Tagged the “brawling beauty,” she wants it known she's 
really “a girly girl.” Our cover wos produced by West Coast Photo Editor Мог- 
ilyn Grabowski, styled by Jennifer Tutor and shot by Stephen Waydo. Alexis 
Vogel styled Donielle's hair and makeup. Our Rabbit is a jewel in the crown. 


23/02 JULIO DE 1943, EXPEDIDOS POR LA COMISION CALIFICADORA DE PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS NUBTRADKS OEPENOIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA OE GOBENNACION, MENCO RESERVA OF TULO EN 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


PLAYBOY 


14 


AN HONEST MOTORCYCLE 
FOR AN HONEST DAY'S WORK. 


$5245*gets you on a genuine Harley-Davidsc 
earned money on anything less? For a free H-D® bri 


"Pi std is 4 st Merc Suggested Rea cz xing ta We and epale, des 


ure call 1-800: 


hor CNAS and de 


° Sportster? So why spend your hard- 


The Playboy 
Cyber Club. 
It Stacks Up! 


If you're a Playboy fan, your num- 
ber one site on the World Wide 
Web is eyber.playboy.com 


Get exclusive access to thou- 
sands of Playmate photographs 
many previously unpub- 
lished. Browse personal 
ized Playmcte Fan Club 
pages. Take part in live 
Playmate chats. Post to 
members-only Playmate 
newsgroups. 


There's also the complete 
colection of Playboy 
Interviews, special photo 
features, the Playboy 
Advisor, cartoons, 
movie previews, 
the Sex Trick of the 
Day. and more. 


THE 
PLAYBOY 
ADVISOR 


997 Playboy, 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH м. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 
JOHN КЕЛЕК assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; FICTION: 
ALICE к. TURNER editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PE- 
TERSEN senior staff writer; cuir ROWE associate 
editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edi- 
tor; BETH TOMKIW associate edito; TAFF: BRUCE 
KLUGER, CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior edilors; 
BARBARA NELLIS associate editor; ALISON LUND- 
cren junior editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant editor; 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; СОР) 
LEOPOLD FROFHLICH edilor; ARLAN BUSHNAN. 
ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA SMITH 
senior researcher, LEE BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK, 
LISA ROBBINS, Tesearchers; MARK DURAN research 
librarian; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA 
BABER. KEVIN COOK, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAW- 
RENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS (QUIOHIOLÉ UE). CYNTHIA 
HEIMEL, WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO. JOE 
MORGENSTERN, REG POTTERTON, DAVID RENSIN 
DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, 
SON movies) 


BRUCE WILLIAM 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; ANN 
уыш supervisor, keyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN se- 
nior art assistant; JASON SIMONS art assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR- 
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET-FRANCES associate edilor; STEPHANIE BAR: 
NETT assistant editor; DAVID CHAN. RICHARD FEG- 
LEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, DAVID MECEY. 
BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA 
contributing photographers; SHFLLEE WELLS 
stylist; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU photo archivist; GER 
ALD SENN carrespondent— paris 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUAKTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate managers 


CIKCULATIO! 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
ERNIE RENZULLI advertising director; JAMES DI 
MONERAS, eastern advertising sales manager; JEFF 
Nimme, sales development manager; JOE HOFFER 
midwest ad sales manager; IRV KORNbLAU market- 
ing director; LISA NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM. MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT new media director; MARCIA TER 
RONES rights & permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


How DoYou FEED 


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PLAYBOY 


This holiday season, 
gue someone you love 
a little piece 
of Americana. 


For 65 years, Zippo has been a part of America's celebrations. 
This holiday scason, make Zippo a part of yours. 


Visit or call Remingion Stores 800-736-4648 or Shepherd Hills Cutlery 800-727-4643 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


580 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE. 
CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-8534 
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOYCOM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


DREAM GIRLS 
I enjoyed the September double cover 

and the accompanying pictorial (Blonde 
Ambition). But, with all due respect to 
Pamela Anderson Lee and Jenny Mc- 
Carthy, Fd still straight-arm both of 
them to get to a dangerous redhead. 

Bill Doritty Jr. 

North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania 


“Two classic beauties in one issue. How 
lucky can a guy get? 

Dave McDaniel 

Virginia Beach, Virginia 


"Thanks for giving my libido two more 
reasons to stay alive. 
Duane Brooks 
Pitisburgh, Pennsylvania 


Half the blondes you mention in the 
Blonde Ambition pictorial, including Раг- 
ela Anderson and Madonna, are actually 
brunettes, Brunettes rule. 
Linda Marrese 
Phoenix, Arizona 


Enough is enough; I'm bored. You 
have featured Pamela and Jenny enough 
to cover the four corners of the earth. 
Please give ita гем. 
Charles Ehninger 
Fort Worth, Texas 


CHRISTOPHER WALKEN 
Christopher Walken tells Lawrence 
Grobel in the September Playboy Inter- 
view that getting a hard-on is something 
a woman will never understand. Wal- 
ken will never understand the joy of ex- 
periencing several orgasms in rapid 
succession while getting oral sex from a 
great lover. 
Charlene Hartley 
Concord, California 


How refreshing to see a celebrity 
spcak frankly about not wanting to have 
children. I'm impressed by Walken's 
honesty in stating that he doesn’t enjoy 


the company of children and has chosen 
not to have any kids, If more people 
spent as much time making such a seri- 
ous decision, the world would be a bet- 
ter place. 
Peggy Currid 
Champaign, Illinois 


Walken has been a favorite of mine 
since his superb performance in The Deer 
Hunter, in which he proved that sensitive 
and macho can work well together. Far 
from being weird or spooky, Walken is a 
gifted actor. 

Anthony Oddi 

Watertown, New York 


FOOTBALL FORECAST 
I've read Danny Sheridan's football 
preview for шапу years aud find him 
well informed and insightful. However, 1 
disagree with his prediction of a third- 
place finish for the Broncos in the AFC 
West (Playboy's Pro Football Preview, Sep- 
tember). They're a much better team 
than that. Last year, Sheridan had them 
finishing dead last, and they won 13 
games and lost three. What does he have 
against the Broncos? 
Mike Foley 
Edison, New Jersey 


What has Sheridan been smoking? I 
can't believe he picked the Oilers to win 
the AFC Central. I realize the road to the 
Super Bowl doesn't go through Pitts- 
burgh anymore, but you can be sure the 
division title still does. 

Scott Swank 
Greensburg, Pennsylvania 


CYBERSEX 
I am delighted that Chip Rowe lists 
the Navel Base site in his Surfing for Sex 
article (September). I've always thought 
women's belly buttons are sexy, and the 
popularity of this site proves that I'm 
not alone. 
Samuel Franklin 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


PLAY 5 
FOR. dd. ND 
FREE CDs INSTANTLY 


к= 


Woy 


seas 


Fm disappointed with Rowe's choice 
of sex sites. Where are Danni's Hard 
Drive and Persian Kitty? How can he 
omit Asia Carrera's Homemade Home- 
page at http:ww icarrera.com? Car- 
rera has dozens of great pictures, she 
updates every week and she can often be 
found on her chatline for hours at a 
time. While I've long been a fan of Nina 
Hartley and I respect her First Amend- 
ment work, her page, which Rowe in- 
cludes in his list of 25, has little content, 
almost no nude pictures and isn't updat- 
ed often. If PLAYBOY features another on- 
line sex piece, I suggest you first conduct. 
a reader's poll to accurately reflect the 
popular sites. 


PLAYBOY 


Chris Bridges 
Orange City, Florida 


PLAYMATE NEWS 
Ever since the February 1996 issue, 

when you added Playmate Neus to the 
magazine, I’ve enjoyed reading about all 
the recent Playmate activities. Í especial- 
ly enjoyed your gossip item about the 
Playmate softball team (September). 
Talk about a league of their own 

Dale Pickett Jr. 

Perry Hall, Maryland 


HARE APPARENT 
That rascally Rabbit appears where 
you least expect him. On your Septem- 
ber issue's two wonderful and sexy cov- 
ers, 1 found the Rabbit in Jenny's сус al- 
most immediatcly, but he was sncakicr 
with Pamela. Не disguised himself as 
a freckle and planted himself on the 
bridge of her nose. Am I jealous that the 
Rabbit is closer to two sexy Playmates 
than ГЇЇ ever be? You betcha. 
Patrick Stewart 
Carmichael, California 


A gleam in the eye of Jenny 

May look to you like a Bunny, 

But shining а light 

On the nose to her right 

Shows Pamela's Bunny's some honey. 
Michael Davies 
Rockville, Maryland 


CARTOON ANGST 
I'm а 25-year-old college-educated 
black businessman. I enjoy PLAYBOY for 
its good taste and class, But a cartoon in 
your September issue of a black athlete 
wearing an open shirt, turned-back hat 
and gaudy gold jewelry has me wonder- 
ing whether there's been a lapse in judg- 
ment. This stereotype may have been ac- 
ceptable in the Sixties, but it's politically 
incorrect in the Nineties. 
Nicholas Belt 
Glendale, Arizona 


EXECUTIVE DECISION 
Would you believe t AYñov is respon- 
sible for the nation’s first networking 
and marketing organization for women, 
18 the National Association of Female Exec- 


utives? I founded the organization in 
1972 after looking at ads in PLAYBOY 
aimed at sophisticated male executives. I 
asked myself why there wasn't an organi- 
zation dedicated to the needs of women 
in the workplace. My answer was NAFE. 
This year we celebrated its 25th anniver- 
sary, and Fd like to thank Hugh Hefner 
and PLAYBOY for the inspiration. 

Wendy Rue 

New York, New York 


SPORTS BABES 

Thanks for the pictorial featuring 
golfer Lisa Ann Hórst (Sports Babes, Sep- 
tember). I'd like to let Lisa know that 
there are many fine golf courses in 


North Carolina, and she'd be a welcome 
visitor at all of them. 

Chris Davis 

Clayton, North Carolina 


I'm packing away my soccer cleats and 
taking up golf. 
Derek Novaes 
Sacramento, California 


Golf pro Lisa Ann Hörst is my favorite 
sports babe. But something tells me a lot 
of men would have a problem with a 
PLAYBOY model who has a handicap low- 
er than theirs. 

Lincoln Apeland 
Dallas, Texas 


THE GAL'S GAY 
I am disappointed in Asa Baber's Men 
column about Ellen DeGeneres (“Goofy 
and Ellen,” September). Disney and 
ABC didn't pull the wool over anyone's 
eyes. I don't think DeGeneres’ sexual 
preference came as a big surprise to 
many people. So get over it, guys. Being 
gay isn't a terminal illness. It's a fact of 
life, and kudos to Ellen for having the 
courage to tell the world the truth. 
Michelle Owens 
Spanish Lake, Missouri 


MISS DESTINY 
I'm thrilled that Nikki Schieler, fea- 
tured on your August cover, has become 
Miss September. This goddess is going to 
sel the world on fire. 
David Faught 
Walnut Grove, Missouri 


I've seen Nikki in other publications 
modeling swimsuits and in the Freder- 
ick’s of Hollywood catalog modeling lin- 
gerie. Thank you for giving us another 
look at this captivating woman 

Michael Dorr 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 


DIVING DILEMMA 
Having been a scuba diver for many 

years, my advice to the guy in the Sep- 
tember What Sort of Man Reads Playboy ad 
is to abort the dive and take the beau- 
tiful blonde below, because I know he 
won't enjoy his dive if he doesn't use 
booties with those fins. 

John Matthews 

High Point, North Carolina 


PLAYMATE REVISITED 
What a pleasure it is to see my favorite 
Playmate, Karen Velez, again (Septem- 
ber). I have her framed centerfold hang- 
ing in my garage. Whenever my 80-уєаг- 
old neighbor visits, he asks me to lift the 
garage door so he can get a charge. 
David Minear 
Hollis Hills, New York 


ADIEU, ROBERT L. 

I read with sadness of the death of 
PLAYBOY's former Fashion Director, Rob- 
ert L. Green. He believed thar being well 
dressed was something all men could do. 
He stressed simplicity, good taste and 
quality, but he was not a snob. 

James Cashman 
Lake Forest, Illinois 


PUPPY LOVE 
While looking at 
pei, noticed a fami 
head wrinkles. Lo and behold, it's the 
rtAvBOY Rabbit Head. 
Peter Spitalnik 
Yorktown Heights, New York 


ГЕ 


8 


RESERVATIONS 
features in the Sony Dolby” 


RED Digital Cines "is one of the exclusive 
'eceiver. It delivers the ie studio sound sought after 
by today's top directors right to your home. A powerful 24-bit digital processor contains the 
acoustic characteristics of three state-of-the-art movie production dubbing stages. The result 
is astounding. You'll hear movies the way these directors mastered them—from dramatic 
sound effects that match stunning screen images, to the subtle nuances of the whispered 
word. It's just another way Sony makes great things happen. = 


SONY 


MAXIMUM TELEVISION) " 
Y 


1997 Sony Electronics Inc. Al rights reserved. Sony, Digital Cinema Sound and Maximum Television are trademarks ol Sony. Dolby is a trademark of Dolby Laboratories Licensing Corporation 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


MOUNTAIN PIQUE 


Bill Swift, a ranger at Grand ‘Teton 
National Park, told The New York Times: 
“Good judgment is not in our collective 
memory anymore.” Each summer tens 
of millions of people visit our national 
forests and parks. Some of them are ill- 
equipped, some get on their cell phones 
and demand helicopter rescues and 
some complain. A list of outlandish com- 
ments attributed to U.S. Forest Service 
comment cards has found its way to the 
Internet. There are ideas for trail im- 
provement: "Escalators would help on 
steep uphill sections." "Chairlifts need to 
be in some places so we can get to won- 
derful views without having to hike to 
them.” “The places where trails do not 
exist are not well marked.” There are 
tips for tidying up the wilderness: “Too 
many rocks in the mountains.” 

more signs to keep areas pristine. 
coyotes made too much noise las 
and kept me awake. Please eradicate 
these annoying animals.” The most sour 
comment? “A small deer came into my 
camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is 
there a way I can get reimbursed? 
Please call.” 


SPANISH FLY 


Anine-year-old Barcelona boy was di- 
agnosed with “redundant prepuce.” ac- 
cording to the National Organization of 
Gircumcision Information Resource Cent 
In lay terms this means the youngster 
foreskin was long enough when it was 
stretched that he would tuck it into the 
waistband of his underwear. Although 
the pulling and tugging had no adverse 
effect on the boy's penis (or his vision), a 
doctor circumcised him to help him snap 
out of the habit. 


FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY-FREE 


We were delighted to have attended 
the Miss Fancy Pants show at Chicago's 
Point of View Gallery. Miss Fancy Pants 
is a bright, cute, wildly talented young 
woman named Erika DeVries, whose 
photographs—think of them as perfor 
mance art caught on film—show her do 
ing handstands in both mundane and 


exotic locations. Miss Fancy Pants wears 
a skirt while performing these hand- 
stands, and, invariably, the focus of these 
pictures is on her extravagant under- 
wear. We saw her upended with Manhat- 
tan in the background, in a cemetery 
next to an angel-topped headstone and 
even in a photo booth (for the art-talk- 
ing-about-art subtext). The artist, who 
believes that an irreverent woman is a 
strong woman and that her behavior is 
completely uncalled for, explains herself 
with charming clarity: “Miss Fancy Pants 
is the funny fecling you got in your skirt 
and shorts before you knew what to do 
with it. Miss Fancy Pants shows you hers 
whether or not you show her yours.” 
Which, we believe, is one of the things 
that has made our country great. Miss 
Fancy Pants is going on tour to upend 
herself in new places and to spread her 
message, so catch her if you can. 


POP QUIZ 


The Spice Girls have inspired so much 
envy and derision there is now a chain 
e-mail called “The Top 15 Questions on 
the Spice Girl Job Application.” Among 
the queries: “True or false: A mosh pit is 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


the seed of the mosh fruit.” “How many 
times have you been kicked out of a 
karaoke bar?” “Choose an appropriate 
nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Chla- 
mydia." “Have you ever been convicted 
of combining vertical and horizontal 
stripes?” And our favorite, “If two trains 
leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilo- 
meters and 75 kilometers an hour, 
respectively, how would you look in 
spandex?” 


MR. FREEZE 


Favorite expression of the month: bat- 
mobiling. It means to put up one’s emo- 
tional shield in the manner of the bat- 
mobile’s retractable armor, as in, “She 
wanted to introduce him to her mother 
and he started batmobiling.” 


HOUND DOG 


Mini-Elvis impersonator Gregory Ra- 
poso, 12, couldn't believe his luck. There 
he was on the couch of Fox After Breakfast, 
sandwiched thigh-to-thigh between Bay- 
watch beach bunny Donna D'Errico and 
MTV's delectable Daisy Fuentes. First he 
listened to D'Errico tell how it felt to 
pose nude for PLAYBOY. Then he sat 
through Daisy's discussing how she felt 
wearing next to nothing for her swimsuit 
calendar photo shoot. Finally, host Vicki 
Lawrence got around to him and asked 
what he'd like to be when he grows up. 
The youngster didn't hesitate. “A pho- 
tographer,” he said, beaming. 


EGG BEATERS 


"The Tamagotchi craze, which is teach- 
ing children around the world the 
tues of love, responsibility and wasting 
time, has taken a typically juvenile turn 
The handheld virtual pet—whose name 
means “cute little egg”—must be main- 
tained vigilantly or the toy's LCD screen 
will go out and it will “die.” Though the 
creature lacks wings to pull off, the Fi- 
nancial Times reports that Japanese boys 
have become enthusiastic about killing 
the toy as quickly as possibl 
ther beat it to death with the 
button” or gorge it on snacks from the 
“food button.” 


21 


22 


RAW 


DATA 


QUOTE 

“Stick with me, 
kid, and you'll be 
farting through 
silk.”—ROBERT 
MITCHUM TO HIS FU- 
TURE WIFE DOROTHY 
SPENCE 


MICROSCOPIC 
As of earlier this 
year, combined stock 
market value of Mi 
crosofi and Intel: 
$274 billion. Com- 
bined market value 
of GM, Ford, Boe- 
ing, Fastman Kodak, 
Sears, J.P. Morgan. 
Caterpillar and Kel- 
logg: $235 billion. 


RATINGS RATING 

Percentage of TV 
viewing audience 
controlled by major 
networks (ABC, 
NBC, CBS) ten years ago: 75. Per- 
centage today: 49. 


the World,” 


PROZAC BABIES 

Number of new prescriptions or 
doctor recommendations for Prozac 
to Americans aged 13 to 18 in 1995: 
148,000. Number of new prescrip- 
tions of Prozac for 13- to 18-year-olds 
in 1996: 217,000. Number of new 
Prozac prescriptions for 6- to 12-year- 
olds in 1995: 51.000. In 1996: 
203.000. Number of new prescrip- 
tions or recommendations for Zoloft 
for 13- to 18-year-olds in 1995: 
155,000. In 1996: 199,000. Number 
of new Zoloft prescriptions for chil- 
dren aged 6 to 12 in 1995: 33,000. In 
1996: 46,000. 


EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE 
According to a three-year survey of 
prime-time TV, percentage of mur- 
ders in which businessmen were the 
perpetrators: 30. Percentage of mur- 
ders committed by doctors, cops ог 
politicians: 13. 


NO-WIN SITUATION 
Number of years since the betting 
favorite has won the Kentucky Derby: 


NSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


18. In 123 Derbies, 
number of winning 
favorites: 48. 


WAR RATIONS 
Amount of the U.S. 
defense budget in 
1987: $370 billion. 
Amount in 19 
$260 billion. 


HORSE CENTS 
Amount an ecstati- 
cally weeping wom- 
an paid at auction 
for a pair of horse- 
shoes worn by Mr. 
Ed: $8625. 


FACT OF THE MONTH 
Clear electric Christmas 
tree lights were invented in 
1882; outdoor color lights 
were introduced in 1914 in 
Denver, which later billed it- 
self as the “Christmas City of 


LET Y EQUAL XMAS 
Assuming Rudolph 
is in front, number 
of possible ways to 
arrange Santa's oth- 
er eight reindeer: 
40,320. 


ROCK AROUND THE GLOCK 

According to a survey at Wake For- 
est University, percentage of violent 
videos on MTV: 22. Percentage of vi- 
olent videos on other networks (УНІ, 
Black Entertainment TV and Coun- 
try Music TV): 12. Of videos showing 
violence, percentage in which women 
carried weapons: 41. 


TEAM TAGS 

Of the 113 teams in the four ma- 
jor US. professional sports leagues, 
number ofteams whose names do not 
end in S: 7 (Miami Heat, Utah Jazz, 
Orlando Magic, Boston Red Sox, 
Chicago White Sox, Colorado Ava- 
lanche, Tampa Bay Lightning). 


BAD AIR DAYS 
According to the Consumer Prod- 
uct Safety Commission, number of in- 
juries caused by plug-in air freshen- 
ers: 1823. 


WHITE ELEPHANT 
Original cost estimate of the 
Ronald Reagan Building and Inter- 
national Trade Center in Washing- 
ton, D.C.: $362 million. Current bud- 
get: $738 million. — —rAUL ENGLEMAN 


STRONG TO THE FINNISH 


Here are thc rulcs in Finland: First, 
the woman is always on top. The smaller 
she is, the better, but technique is as im- 
portant as size. "She can't just sit there. 
She has to adjust her weight constant- 
ly,” Jouni Jussila, the man the Finns con- 
sider the master of the art, told The 
Guardian. The man and woman need not 
be married, but the woman must be at 
least 17. Also, she has to wear a helmet. 
After all, there are hurdles, water jumps 
and hairpin turns involved. It's all part 
of Finland's hot new competitive sport, 
wife carrying. Jussila and his wife are the 
champions. In America there's a full- 
contact sport with no rules called ex-wife 
carrying—but the heavy lifting involves 
the guy's wallet. 


SHOW US YOUR PLUMBING. 


The strippers at Lady Godiva's in 
Hurricane, West Virginia turned down 
an offer of free job training by the Light- 
house Baptist Church. According to the 
Associated Press, the dancers had a 
choice of courses in computer, plumb- 
ing, secretarial, electrical or construction 
trades if they agreed to abandon their 
current careers. The women were cven 
unmoved by a special appeal at one Sun- 
day mecting by actor Richard Kiel, who 
played Jawsin two James Bond films. We 
assume hc was brought in because of his 
considerable experience in the arca of 
regrettable public performances. 


HI! COLONIC 


In their new book, The Unimaginable 
Life: Lessons Learned оп the Path of Love, 
Kenny Loggins and his vife disclose that 
they met when she gave him a colon hy- 
drotherapy treatment. However, as Ken- 
ny recalls, “It was her eyes that most 
penetrated me." 


HEY—IT'S CHARLIE SHEEN! 


Asthe curtain comes down on 1997, so 
ends Kraft Foods' 100th anniversary cel- 
ebration of the advent of Jell-O. We leave 
you with this shaky fact from Kraft: A 
lump of Jell-O hooked up to an elec- 
troencephalograph had a readout al- 
most exactly matching human brain 
waves. 


HER LADY'S SECRET SERVICE 


At 75, Miss Moneypenny is still capa- 
ble of a swift comeback. Lady Ridsdale, 
the onc-time assistant to James Bond 
creator Ian Fleming and the inspiration 
for security chief M's secretary, told a 
British court how she foiled a mugging 
recently. As she was getting out of a car, a 
thief ripped off her watch and attempted 
to pull off her wedding ring. “That was 
just too much for me. As I had on a good 
pair of solid high heels, I kicked out,” 
she testified. “I kicked him in the groin 
and he doubled up in pain.” 


jj 


Tastes Good. Costs Less. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 


Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. o ША 
16mg ur; 1.0-mg nicotine av. 


BLUES 


BIG JOE WILLIAMS (the Delta blues gui- 
tarist, not the Count Basie vocalist) 
played a uniquely dilapidated nine- 
string acoustic guitar with a pickup 
taped to its sound hole. It was rarely in 
tune, but Williams could always hammer 
out the appropriate accompaniment for 
whatever emotion he happened to be 
exploring. On Piney Woods Blues (Del- 
mark), a reissue from 1960, Williams 
sings with a robust baritone. Born in 
1903. he was old enough to record some 
charming personal memories of the leg- 
ends who invented the blues and young 
enough to have all his infectious enthusi- 
asm. Up there with Mississippi John 
Hurt and Bukka White in the pantheon 
of folk-blues rediscoveries, Williams had 
a raw though melodic approach that 
could fire you up or calm you down. In 
either mode, his sour, bent, utterly liber- 
ating style of fingerpicking put out more 
energy than most rock-and-roll bands 
generate. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


ROCK 


Fans of Elvis and rockabilly will scoop 
up Scotty Moore and D.]. Fontana's All 
the King's Men (Sweetfish). Moore was 
Elvis first guitarist, the man who ar- 
guably invented rock-and-roll guitar as 
he fired off a spontaneous blend of up- 
tempo country and blues licks in the Sun 
Studios sessions. Drummer Fontana 
soon joined Moore and bassist Bill Black. 
Moore and Fontana are accompanied on 
the album by Keith Richards and the. 
Band, the Mavericks, Jeff Beck, Steve 
Earle and Joe Louis Walker, among oth- 
ers. It isa pure lovefest, as Keith and the 
boys pay tribute to the man who inspired 
them to pick up a guitar. 

A Police reunion of sorts takes place 
ON Strontium 90-Police Academy (Pangaea). 
Actually it's a 1976 recording of the trio 
that became the Police: Sting, Andy 
Summers and Stewart Copeland. This 
scrappy Weather Report-meets-Sex Pis- 
tols thrashfest features a number of Po- 
lice songs in rough form, including a 
gorgeous “unplugged” samba version of 
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. But 
the real news is that guitarist Andy Sum- 
mers’ latest, The Last Dance of Mister X 
(RCA), is his most intense and eclectic 
work since playing with the Police. Sum- 
mers weds jazz sophistication and rock 
energy to shine again in a trio format 
Big Thing could be Jeff Beck playing with 
Cream. Other tunes suggest Pat Methe- 
ny or John Scofield jamming with the 
Police. Summers’ chiming textures and 
elegant solos show him in top form. 

Clapton and Cream fans may be sur- 

24 prised that the four-CD boxed set Those 


Williams’ Woods. 


Classic rock and roll, 
blues and bluegrass, Puff Daddy 
and Missy Elliott rap loud. 


Were the Days (Polydor/Chronicles) has 
relatively little new material. But pol- 
ished and rearranged here, Cream’s cat- 
alog appears in a fresh context. All the 
studio tracks (including a number of un- 
released bluesy demos) are bunched on 
the first pair of discs. The remaining two 
CDs contain brilliantly remastered live 
material that now flows as one huge 
concert. — VIC GARBARINI 


Having scored big on modern rock 
charts with Fizzy, Fuzzy, Big & Buzzy and 
having composed the theme to Mike 
Judge's King of the Hill, the Refresh- 
ments have a lot of expectations to live 
up to On The Bottle & Fresh Horses (Mer- 
сигу). I say they do it—my expecta 
being highly melodic rock with chiming 
major chords, sweet harmonies and an 
instinct for hooks that makes just about 
every phrase memorable without being 
cheap. Folk rock is the reigning style, so 
these guys appear poised to be a big 
deal, and they deserve it 

—CHARLES M. YOUNG 


No group, not even the Velvet Under- 
ground, influenced punk and its after- 
math more than Iggy and the Stooges. 
Given Iggy's true singularity, We Will Fall: 
The Iggy Pop Tribute (Royalty) ought to be 
about as scintillating as last night's ash- 
tray. Amazingly, however, a few of these 
tracks—Joan ett's great Real Wild Child, 
the Misfits on / Со! a Right, Shake Appeal 
by 7 Year Bitch—replicate Iggy's blend 


of amateurism and sonic control. Still, 
only one artist has the nerve to go all the 
way here: Lenny Kaye turns in a version 
of We Will Fall that's even more static and 
ponderous, doomy and draggy than the 
original. 

Meanwhile, Wayne Kramer, guitar 
champion of the MC5, comes up with 
another winner in Dodge Main (Alive). It's 
a collaborative effort with singer Scott 
Morgan and guitarist Deniz Tek. But 
Dodge Main is also the closest Kramer 
could come to a new MC5 album. It's po- 
litical, slashing and peppered with good 
songs (including a couple by Kramer's 
MC5 comrades, and one from Iggy). 
Dodge Main rocks crazier than anything 
on We Will Fall, or, for that matter, just 
about anything else you're likely to hear 
these days. —DpAVE MARSH 


RAP 


Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott comes 
out of Virginia as one of the hottest rap- 
pers. She has a choppy syncopated style 
full of humor, low-intensity boasting and 
a laugh that has become her trademark. 
She also has a fine singing voice and a 
firm understanding of harmony. And 
she’s a clever songwriter, too. Combine 
these skills with the production talents of 
her partner, Timbaland, and you have 
Supa Dupa Fly (East West), her bright, ex- 
citing 17-track debut. By adapting the 
nervous drum patterns of jungle music 
to hip-hop, Timbaland gives funky back- 
ings to a brilliant cover of Ann Peebles’ 
soul classic / Can't Stand the Rain, the fun- 
ny Izzy Izzy Ahh and Best Friends (featur- 
ing Aaliyah). Supa Dupa Fly is a con- 
tender for best rap album of the year. 
—NELSON GEORGE 


For sheer heart, no album in the past 
year can match Puff Daddy and the Fam- 
ily's No Way Out (Bad Boy). Since it's pro- 
duced by the crew that brought us the 
Notorious B.I.G., it's probably the one 
big hit of 1997 that reasonable people 
skipped. But, in fact, it's a rewarding lis- 
ten even if your tastes don’t run to 
gangstas. Puffy and company set their 
comments on contemporary urban fam- 
ily life to some of the lushest tracks 
around. Think of it as an album Marvin 
Gaye could have made. — —DAVE MARSH 


POP 


Lighthouse Family isa hip British duo 
that specializes in stylish, danceable pop 
with an inspirational feel. Most of the 
music on its debut, Ocean Drive (A&M), is 
driven by keyboards, with additional 
electric guitar. Though there are vocals, 
the tracks could work as self-consciously 


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Davideif Cool Water Available at fine department stores. While quontities lost 


cool instrumentals. Just released this 
year in America after building a U.K. au- 
dience, Ocean Drive is worth a listen for 
Lifted, The Way You Are and the enticing 
title track. —NELSON GEORGE 


COUNTRY 


In 1948 Ralph and Carter Stanley 
heard Bill Monroe's Stewball rewrite, 
Molly and Tenbrooks, on the radio. They 
put out their record of it before Mon- 
roe could release his, and that was the 
beginning of bluegrass as a movement. 
The Stanley Brothers' Earliest Recordings 
(Rich-R-Tone) has all 14 songs they 
recorded in the late Forties and early 
Fifties for that label. These beautiful 
songs are suffused with death, suffering, 
drunkenness, violence and love both 
blessed and bitter (all of which come to- 
gether ina great version of Little Maggie). 
"The tracks are driven by Carter Stanley's 
implacable guitar and the brothers rich 
vocal harmony. This music isn't nearly so 
complex as what Monroe did—or, for 
that matter, the music the Stanleys later 
made with their string band. But in its 
simplicity, it may reach deeper into the 
ancient spirit that bluegrass expresses. 

— DAVE MARSH 


Pedal steel, manageable beats and 
white guys drawling literate lyrics: These 
are things the music business under- 
stands. 1f a band like Son Volt gets hip. 
for a minute, why not sign some vaguely 
similar group? Like Whiskeytown, say? 
Thanks mostly to Ryan Adams reliable 
tunes and soft vocals, Whiskeytown's 
Strangers Almanac (Outpost) is the most 
commercially credible of the crop. 
Straight-ahead songs such as 16 Days or 
soulful weepers such as Excuse Me While I 
Break My Own Heart Tonight could liven 
up the pop mélange. 

Because I prefer my music savory, I'll 
root stubbornly for the Bottle Rockets. 
Guitar-driven longhairs who trace their 
musical lineage to the Ramones and 
Lynyrd Skynyrd, the band members 
demonstrate their country affinities with 
descriptive lyrics that respect everyday 
life (such as those of the used-car mem- 
oir Indianapolis or the bruised-relation- 
ship tale Smokin’ 100s Alone), Chief writer 
and singer Brian Henneman commands 
notable bite on the Rockets’ third and 
most radio-friendly album, 24 Hours a Day 
(Atlantic), 

On Takin’ the Country Back (Mercury), 
John Anderson outdoes himself. Lead- 
ing off with Somebody Slap Me, a paean to 
the perfect woman (“beauty school di- 
ploma,” “does her own plumbing”), An- 
derson successfully skirts Nashville senti- 
mentality for an entire album. This 
doesn't mean he fails to deliver his trade- 
mark warmth. It just means he doesn't 
neglect his trademark humor. 

— ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


FAST TRACKS 


Garbarini 


Big Joe Willioms 
Piney Woods Blues 


10 8 8 8 


Bottle Rockets 
24 Hours o Doy 


Missy Elliott 
Supa Dupo Fly 


Scotty Moore and 
D.J. Fontana 


Stonley Brothers 
Earliest Recordings 


TUPAC 101 DEPARTMENT: You can study 
Tupac Shakur at the University of Cali- 
fornia in a history department course 
that examines his raps and poetry. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Sting has 
signed to do the music for an animat- 
ed Disney film based on The Prince and 
the Pauper. . . . Robbie Robertson's new 
CD is another soundtrack for a PBS 
special on American Indians. . . . Stone 
Temple Pilots’ Scott Weiland is working 
ona song for the movic Great Expecta- 
uns. . . . Kirk Franklin will serve as ши- 
sic director, co-producer and star of a 
Universal-TV sitcom. . . . Abra Moore 
has a song to sing in the new Richard 
Linklater film, The Newton Boys, starring 
Matthew McConaughey and Ethan Hawke, 
among others. . . . George Clinton is 
planning a CD of new music, another 
of doo-wop and a P-Funk movie. . . . It 
looks as if the deal is done for a movie 
about John and Yoko based on her 
memories of their life together. There 
are a number of musician movie bios 
in the works: otis Redding, Miles Davis 
and record producer Phil Spector are 
the subjects. . . . We don't know what 
to say: a film bio of Hanson will be writ- 
ten and directed by Director's Guild 
honoree Morgan J. Freeman. . . . A doc- 
umentary about Elvis impersonators, 
All the King's Men, is in the works. 
There are at least 400 registered in 
the U.S. alone. 

NEWSBREAKS: Three new books well 
worth your attention: Start Your Own 
Band (Hyperion) by Marty Jourard of- 
fers both advice and information. The 
Truth of the Mauer: Straight Talk for the 
Aspiring Artist on Getting Into the Music 
Business (Brim, Inc.; to order, call 888- 
302-9927) rates the record compa- 
nies. And Jamming the Media: A Citi- 
zen's Guide to Reclaiming the Tools of 
Communication (Chronicle) by Gareth 
Bronwyn is a primer for putting the 


media in your hands. . . . Nashville is 
claiming a new Guinness world rec- 
ord for a guitar marathon. Last sum- 
mer 1555 guitarists played Twist and 
Shout in unison for 75 minutes. . .. 
Madonna's Maverick records will dis- 
tribute Quentin Tarantino's A Band 
Apart record label. First up is the 
soundtrack for his next film, Jackie 
Brown. . . . All hail Rhino Records for 
the absolutely best boxed set of the 
year: Beg, Scream & Shout: The Big ОГ 
Box uf Sixties Soul. Prove it, you say? 
How about Agent Double-O-Soul, Baby, 
In Yours and Sunny? We rest our case. 
Other Rhino news: There's been a 
dustup over a compilation CD, Women 
Like Us: Lesbian Favorites, that contains 
songs embraced by the lesbian com- 
munity but not necessarily sung by 
lesbians. Some licensers have refused 
to approve tracks because of the ti- 
tle. . . . Paul McCartney produced a spe- 
cial audio program based on Flaming 
Pie for the presidential plane after a 
request from the prez. . . . Sarah 
"McLachlan plans to have male perform- 
ers at the next Lilith Fair. . . . Luscious 
Jockson lead singer Jill Cunniff is the 
voice of digital actress Laura Lewis in 
the Sega game Enemy Zero. . . . The 
ultimate Grateful Dead collectible went 
on the auction block this past Octo- 
ber: the house at 710 Ashbury in San 
Francisco where the band lived be- 
tween 1965 and 1968. The bidding 
began at $900,000 and the owners 
have pledged two percent of the sale 
price to four charities. Jerry would ap- 
prove. . .. Here's a boomer moment: 
"This past summer there was a Web 
auction (minimum bid: $800,000) Гог 
the crypt where Elvis was buried until 
his father, Vernon, got Memphis politi- 
cos to approve a family graveyard at 
Graceland. Alas, poor Elvis. 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 


E S PRESENTS 
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MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


ON THE ROAD with a pair of amoral con 
artists (Frances O'Connor and Mau Day 
as Nikki and Al) Kiss or Kil! (October 
Films) is a tour de force. Nikki lures men 
she meets from barroom to bedroom, 
and Al steps in to rob her victims after 
they're drugged. Things go wildly акту 
in Australian director Bill Bennett's non- 
stop spree of violence and retribution 
when one man dies—presumably a 
blackmailer. The twosome then take pos- 
session of a compromising video that 
shows a famous ex-footballer (Barry 
Langrishe as Zipper Doyle) fooling 
around with a young boy. Detectives 
pursue the couple for questioning, Zi 
per wants them dead, and Kiss or Kill 
takes up the chase in sizzling style remi- 
niscent of Bonnie and Clyde. The chaotic 
plot is occasionally hard to follow, so pay 
close attention—because Bennett makes 
it one hell of a trip. ¥¥¥/2 
° 


Elemental tragedy infuses every reel 
ОЁ Swept From the Sea (Sony), an adapta- 
tion of the Joseph Conrad story Amy Fos- 
ter. Rachel Weisz is arresting as Amy, a 
soulful outcast who is considered a sim- 
pleton by her parents and neighbors in a 
bleak village on the coast of Cornwall. 
Amy' life changes when a shipwrecked 
Ukrainian sailor named Yanko (Vincent 
Perez) washes ashore and learns to ap- 
preciate her eccentric ways. Yanko is 
spurned by most of the locals even after 
he and Amy marry. Weisz and Perez per- 
form star-making stints, convincing us 
that their love will endure despite indif- 
ference, bad luck and cruelty. Joss Ack- 
land, lan McKellen and Kathy Bates add 
their quirks to a sad period piece as aus- 
terely beautiful as the craggy Cornwall 
scenery. ¥¥¥ 


The flashy, futuristic Gattaca (Colum- 
bia) foresees a time when cloning is stan- 
dard procedure. This minimalist drama 
about an aspiring spaceman (Ethan 
Hawke) is coolly high-tech. Hawke plays 
Jerome, a nice guy with certain physical 
imperfections (they scarcely show) be- 
cause he was conceived in love, the old- 
fashioned way. Uma Thurman plays his 
paramour and co-worker at the Gattaca 
Corporation, where intrigue and mur- 
der threaten to derail the next Titan 
space mission. Will handsome, ill-bred 
Hawke make the team? He will—if he 
can swap identities with an incapacitat- 
ed, genetically flawless athlete and also 
prove he’s not a killer. Seeking clues in 
subsidiary roles are Alan Arkin and Gore 


28 Vidal. But the question persists: In the 


Day and O'Connor: On the run. 


Grifters grab a video, 
spacemen try on genes, and 
an outing gone awry. 


monotonous realm of Gattaca, is anyone 
going to care? Not much. xx 


Spectacular Argentine dancer Pablo 
Veron stars in The Tango Lesson (Sony 
Classics), and watching him is a joy. Un- 
fortunately, his co-star and dance part- 
ner is the movie's writer and director, 
Sally Potter, whose vivid 1992 Orlando 
won an Oscar nomination. Potter plays a 
filmmaker who promises to let him star 
їп one of her films if he will make her a 
tango dancer. Whatever possessed Potter 
to cast herself opposite Veron remains a. 
mystery. Although she's a former dancer, 
her high-stepping Tango Lesson stumbles 
at some risk between entertainment and 
outright embarrassment. YY 


Directed by his father, Robert Downey 
Sr., in Hugo Pool (BMG Independents), 
Robert Downey Jr. (sce this month's in- 
terview) has a relatively minor role as 
one of the Hugo pool-cleaning compa- 
ny's weirdest clients. Downey |r. goes for 
broke, accent and all, as Franz Mazur, a 
far-out European movie director who 
doesn't pay his bills and has recently shot 
a movie extra for overacting. Clearly, 
outrageous excess runs in the family. 
The senior Downey's off-the-wall screen- 
play (co-authored with his late wife, Lau- 
ra) stars Alyssa Milano as Hugo Dugay, 
owner of the Los Angeles pool-cleaning 
outfit. Her mom (Cathy Moriarty) is a 


chronic gambler, while her dad (Mal- 
colm McDowell) isa heroin addict whom 
she sends off to the Colorado River to 
collect fresh water for one customer's 
pool. En route, he mects a mystcrious 
hitchhiker (a cameo role for Scan Penn). 
Meanwhile, Hugo, on the cleaning cir- 
cuit, loads her truck with a wheelchair- 
bound new customer (Patrick Dempsey), 
who speaks through a talking device. 
Other roguish characters pop up in a 
cultist comedy about as crazy as anything 
since Downey's Greaser’s Palace in 1972 
(Downey Jr., then seven, played a muti- 
lated child). ¥¥/2 


"Ihere hasn't been a funnier movie this 
year than In & Out (Paramount), with 
Kevin Kline on the mark as an Indiana 
schoolteacher who's about to be married 
when an Oscar-winning movie star (Matt 
Dillon) names him on national television 
for being an inspiration—and gay. De- 
spite his fondness for Barbra Streisand 
show tunes, that’s news to the teacher 
and the small town where he lives. From 
then on, every sidesplitting variation on 
the theme of "outing" is played by writer 
Paul Rudnick, director Frank Oz and а 
superbly comic cast. As the befuddled 
bride-to-be. Joan Cusack does a prize- 
worthy turn. Add some madly hilarious 
bits by Dillon, Tom Selleck, Debbie Reyn- 
olds and Bob Newhart. Gay or straight, 
you'll giggle all the way home. yyyy 


"The gay couple scrutinized in Happy 
Tegether (Kino International) is unhappy 
most of the time. As the mismatched 
duo, Leslie Cheung and Tony Leung are 
at odds unless they're making love. 
"These two fellows from Hong Kong 
break up in the first reel, after which 
both run away to Buenos Aires, where 
they meet again and move in together. 
Their off-and-on relationship—while 
they hustle, take odd jobs or meet new 
friends—is the gist of the film. Though 
skimpy on plot, it is acted, directed and 
shot (by cinematographer Christopher 
Doyle) in а тооду, neorcalistic style that 
commands attention. Like it or not, 
you'll see why the movie won a best 
rector award at the 1997 Cannes Film 
Festival for writer-director Wong Kar- 
Wai. Fixing his gaze on real people in 
fey or empty encounters, Wong makes 
waves. ¥¥/2 


“Turn-of-the-century scenes set in Lon- 
don and Venice give The Wings of the Dove 
(Miramax) a gossamer finish. Equally 
eye-pleasing is the cast, headed by Hele- 
na Bonham Carter as Kate, the heroine 
of this intelligent adaptation of a Henry 


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©1997 Playboy Magazine used with 
the permission of Playboy Magzine. 


32 


Colin does Jackie. 


Margaret Colin, who says her age 
is nobody's business, portrays 
Jackie Kennedy Onassis in a come- 
dy slated for a November opening 
on Broadway. Colin paused over a 
drink at Sardi's to talk about how 
her carcer is going. Just fine, 
thank you. She is recognized on 
the street for the megahit Indepen- 
dence Day, in which she played the 
president's press secretary and Jeff. 
Goldblum's ex. *I held the р! 
dent's hand and saved a few ba- 
bies," she recalls. This year, she 
played Harrison Ford's missus in 
The Devils Own. “Nothing about 
that movie was easy,” she notes, re- 
ferring to the many script revi- 
sions. “In one scene, when I'm at- 
tacked, I was just supposed to 
stand there and scream while they 
kick the crap out of my husband. 
Finally, Harrison agreed to let me 
throw a few punches. After all, Fm 
a cop's daughter." 

Colin was one of five kids raised 
in an Irish Catholic family on 
Long Island. Her dad, retired, was 
with the New York police before 
he became a Chemical Bank vice 
president. Her mother at one time 
was a crop duster in Oklahoma. 
Nowadays, Margaret lives in New 
Jersey with her two young sons 
and actor husband, Justin Deas, 
who has won several daytime Em- 
mys. Playing a mother in real life is 
wonderful, but Margaret—despite 
Devil's Oun—eschews mom roles 
on the screen. "I dor't even read 
for them; they don't write moms 
very well.” Her last stage role was 
off Broadway, in Psychopathia Sexu- 
alis ("1 was a chic New York wom- 
an, the friend of a sock fetish- 
ist”). But she is wildly excited 
about her debut as Jackie. “It's 
satire, but Jackie is treated with 
kid gloves. I'm on a good swing—I 
did one of the highest-grossing 
movies of all time, and 1 have the 
tide role in a Broadway show. I 
just hope I don’t have a heart at- 
tack on opening night.” 


OFF CAMERA 


| 


James novel. Director Iain Softley casts 
Charlotte Rampling as Kate's affluent 
aunt, Linus Roache as the penniless 
journalist Kate adores and Alison Elliott 
as her rich American friend, Milly. 
James’ ironic tale is rich with passion 
and deceit as Kate plays Cupid between 
her lover and friend. Poor Milly is dying 
and smitten with the journalist, and she 
may be persuaded to leave her money to 
him. The Jamesian plot doesn't thicken, 
and Wings of the Dove winds up a sad, bit- 
tersweet love story. ¥¥¥ 
° 


The poignancy and compassion of 
Welcome to Sarajevo (Miramax) are unde- 
niable. This labor of love, shot in the 
war-torn city by British director Michael 
Winterbottom, is primarily concerned 
with a conscientious English for: сог- 
respondent (Stephen Dillane). His геас- 
tion to the horrors of war is to rescue 
one young girl (Emira Nusevic) by 
smuggling her out of the country. That's 
the central narrative, inspired by the ac- 
tual events of Natasha’s Story, a book by 
Michael Nicholson. In Frank Cottrell 
Boyce's adaptation, other true tales are 
combined with newsreel coverage of 
Sarajevo under attack by Bosnian Serb 
big guns and snipers in 1992. Checking 
in periodically amid the rubble are 
Woody Harrelson as a star American 
journalist and Marisa Tomei as a well-in- 
tentioned aide concerned with evacuat- 
ing orphans—plus Kerry Fox, Emily 
Lloyd and Goran Visnjic as participants 
in the chaos. The plight of innocent chil- 
dren, many recruited on the spot, gives 
Sarajevo plenty of emotional momentum 
even when the overlapping tales become 
tangled. A viewer may wonder who's 
who at times, but only a cold heart could 
fail to be moved by it. ¥¥¥/2 


Excess can be expected in a movie di- 
rected by Oliver Stone, and U-Turn (Tri- 
star) doesn't disappoint. In the John 
Ridley screenplay, Bobby Cooper (Sean 
Penn) is a drifter on his way to pay off a 
gambling debt in Vegas when his car 
breaks down, stranding him in the deso- 
late desert town of Superior, Arizona. He 
is robbed, cheated by an auto repairman 
(Billy Bob Thornton) and beaten up by a 
thug (Joaquin Phoenix) before a local 
real estate baron (Nick Nolte) offers him. 
getaway money if he'll murder the man's 
faithless wife (Jennifer Lopez). Instead, 
Cooper makes love to the woman and 
agrees to kill her husband. U-Türn's non- 
stop double-crossing and violence seem 
absurd at times, but the movie remains 
engrossing thanks to actors as good as 
these. The black comedy escalates into 
a bloodbath reminiscent of Fargo, but 
without the fine-tuned balance of humor 
and horror. Stone jump-starts his thriller 
with maximum force but doesn't know 
where to stop. ¥¥/2 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Boogie Nights (Reviewed 11/97) The 
down-and-dirty rise and fall of Los 
Angeles porn peddlers. ww 
Critical Care (11/97) Blackly comic 
business in a big-city hospital. ¥¥¥/2 
The Edge (11/97) Hopkins and Bald- 
win have it out over Elle in a Mamet 
script wy 
Eves Bayou (10/97) Doctor makes out 
with his patients way down South. ¥¥ 
Eye of God (11/97) An endangered 
nice girl and the ex-con pen pal she 
marries. yy; 
Gattaca (See review) Deadly genctic 
intrigue puts a space mission on 
hold. yy 
Habit (11/97) Man finds out his sexy 
New York date is a vampire. Wh 
Happy Together (See review) Gay lovers 
getaway from it all in Argentina. ¥¥/2 
The House of Yes (11/97) More or less a 
no, except for Parker Posey as a kinky 
rich girl with a Jackie O complex. ¥¥ 
Hugo Pool (See review) Downey flakes 
abound in this confusing comic free- 
for-all. LUZ 
The Ice Storm (11/97) Coming of age in 
Connecticut around 1973. УУУУ 
In £ Out (See review) Oscar winner 
outs his gay teacher, and the consc- 
quences arc hilarious. УУУУ 
Kiss or КШ (See review) On the run 
with a pair of con artists. W¥/2 
LA. Confidential (10/97) Bad cops and 
big cheeses on the take in darkest 


Hollywood. vix 
The Matchmaker (Listed only) Erin go 
blah with Janeane Garofalo. Ww 


The Myth of Fingerprints (10/97) A family 
home for the holidays in frosty New 
England. E 
The Peacemaker (11/97) Kidman and 
Clooney save the world. vi 
Soul Food (11/97) The ties that bind 
three sisters go back to mother's 
cooking. wy 
Swept From the Sea (See review) Rustic 
tale about passionate star-crossed 
lovers. wy 
The Tango Lesson (See review) Dance, 
little lady—on second thought, may- 
be you shouldn't 
U-Turn (See review) Oliver Stone on a 
roll, if not always in control. YY/2 
Welcome to Sarajevo (See review) High 
drama set in the battle-scarred Bal- 
kan city. УУУ}: 
The Wings of the Dove (Scc review) 
Henry James’ gossamer romance, 
with an edge. zu 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


УУУУ Don't miss 
УУУ Cood show 


YOU ONLY USE 11% OF ITS POTENTIAL. 


DITTO. 


Now there's a way to get 


the most of both. 


Anything good оп? 
It may be the most commonly asked 
question in America each evening. 
So what if we told you there's a way 
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television — a way to enjoy all the 
favorite channels you've had with 
cable, along with an unprecedented 
selection of movies, sports and a 
lot more. All brought to you with 
the clarity of digital picture and 
sound. And easy access to your 
local channels. 

This is U.S. Satellite Broadcasting" 
(USSB”) and DIRECTV." available 
exclusively on the 18' DSS* dish 
Together, they will redefine how you 
experience television. 


You've never 
seen movies 
ke this. 


What is U.S. Satellite Broadcasting? 
The most incredible movie experi- 
ence on television. 

USSB is where you'll find all of 
the most popular, commercial-free, 


movie channels, with 5 different 
channels of HBO” 4 Showtime 
channels, 3 Cinemax” channels, 2 of 
The Movie Channel!“ 2 channels 
of HBO* Family, FLIX'" and the 
Sundance Channel!" premiering the 
best in independent film under the 
creative direction of Robert Redford 
Why more than one channel of 
HBO and Showtime? Multiple channels 
bring you more movie choices and 
viewing times to choose from than 
ever before. And what makes USSB 
so different is that you get them all 
in one place 


I 
Més ШШШ] ês 
"Sosa HBO FLIX 
sundance, 227 ALLNEWS 


With USSB, you'll have your choiceof more than 
900 different movies per month. 


Together - only on the 18 


choices a night. And you can order 
Pay-per-view with your remote control. 


How do | find my 
way around more 
than 200 channels? 


Quickly and easily, with the interac- 
tive. on-screen programming guide. 
With the touch of a button on your 
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home the best selectio 


and information in t 


Sports, news 
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What US Satellite Broadcasting is 
to movies, DIRECTV is to sports. 
DIRECTV offers you regular Season 
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You'll also see the widest selection 
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as 55 different pay-per-view movie 


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These are only a few of the services that you'll find 
on DIRECTV. 


TV has never looked 
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What makes the DSS system unique? 
Digital technology. It's the difference 
between listening to a CD versus an 
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quality are unlike anything 
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And on top of that. 
digital technology is 
the wave of the future. 


Easy access 
to local 
channels. 


Contrary to what your local 
cable company may tell you, 
the DSS system has always 


What now? 
Hopefully. reading this brochure has 
increased your brain capacity. So 
what now? Look at the back of this 
brochure and find answers to the most 
commonly asked questions about the 

DSS systern. Use them to help 
you when talking with a sales- 
person at your local electron- 
ics or satellite retailer. 
Then go and 
experience the DSS 
difference for yourself. And 
remember to ask about your 
Free Month of USSB 
Entertainment Plus* 
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DSS system - they bring 
Of movies, sports, news 


history of television. 


been fully compatible with your local 
channels. Most DSS owners 
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and switch to their local 
channels by clicking 
the remote control. 


The DSS dish is 
only 18" in diameter. 


The ABCs 
of the DSS dish. 


The DSS system is a fundamental 
improvement in the choice and 
quality that television provides. 

By subscribing to both USSB and 
DIRECTV. you'll have over 200 
channels to choose from. 


The best commercial-free, 
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available, like HBO, Showtime, 
Cinemax, The Movie Channel, FLIX. 
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As many as 55 different pay-per. 
view movie choices a night. 


An unprecedented selection of 
pro and college sports packages 
from the NFL. NBA. NHL? Major 
League Baseball, Major League 
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The most popular basic networks. 

31 commerciaHree CD audio 
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The DSS system is already the 
leading minidish system. And it's the 
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like RCA, Sony” Panasonic; 
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Tap the full 
potential of your TV. 


What to look for when 


buying a satellite dish. 


SO NOW YOU KNOW 
about a new kind of 
technologyand a 
selection of pro 
gramming thats 
unprecedented in 
television history. 
The next step is to 
experience it for your 
self. Here are the answers to the most 
commonly asked questions that might 
help when you visit your local electronics 
or satellite retailer. 


Q. Ifl already have 
cable, why should I buy 
the DSS system? 


А. Youll get everything you've had 
before. plus a lot more. All in digital 
picture and sound. And. quite frankly. 
the DSS system is à better value. 


Q. I still want to watch 
my local channels. Is 
that a problem if | have 
the DSS system? 


A. No problem. With the touch of a 
button on your remote. you can switch 
over from the DSS system to your local 


stations. Ask your retailer to suggest the 
best indoor or outdoor antenna to receive 
your local channels. Recent technology 
has made antenna quality better than 
ever. And remember. with an antenna, 
you get your local channels for free. 


Q.. Once I have the DSS 
system, will I be able 
to pick and choose the 
channels | want? 


А. Yes. The DSS system is the only 
subscription television service anywhere 
with two different programming 
companies to choose from. USSB and 


DIRECTV. 


DIRECTV offer an unprecedented array 
of packages at various prices So you 
can be sure you'll find the combination 
of channels that best match your 
interests and budget. 


Q.. Can I watch USSB and 
DIRECTV on more than 
one TV set? 


А. Yes. You can run an additional line 
from the receiver to your other TVs. To 
watch different satellite channels on 
different TVs, simply add an additional 
DSS receiver as you would with a 
second VCR, And you can do so when 
you buy the dish or at a later date. 


5 


Visit our websites at www.ussb.com 


have questions? 


or www.directv.com — or talk to a 
friend. You're buund LU коюму surmeurie 
who already owns a DSS system. 


Then, visit your local electronics or 
satellite retailer. There are over 28.000 
locations throughout the country to 
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And remember to ask about your 
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Get over $150 in added value 
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and SignalSeeker LED") 


VIDEO 


Richard Lewis, the 
jumpy co-star of 
ABC's Hiller and 
Diller, not only loves 
the movies, he lives 
by them as well. For 
example, he's partic- 
ularly drawn to the 
1971 Renee Taylor— 
Joseph Bologna comedy Made for Each 
Other, "mainly because it covers my three 
favorite topics: death, therapy and fear of 
commitment." When it comes to superla- 
lives, the master neurotic calls Dr. 
Strangelove "the greatest black comedy of 
all time," Raging Bull "the best film of my 
generation” and Last Tango in Paris "a 
Marlon Brando acting primer." (He also ad- 
mits: “My bedroom is a shrine to Last Tan- 
go.”) And when, alas, Lewis’ obsessive- 
Ness gets the best of him, he screens 
Roman Polanski's The Tenant. "It makes 
even the worst paranoid look like Mr. 
Greenjeans. I've seen it about 4 million 
times.” DONNA COE 


VIDBITS 


The story of Vietnam doesn't belong 
solely to Oliver Stone. From director 
Hung Tran Anh (The Scent of Green Pa- 
paya) comes Cyclo (New Yorker. $89.95), 
the tale of a bike-taxi driver who is 
sucked into the dark gang world of mod- 
ern-day Vietnam. Granted permission to 
film on location in Ho Chi Minh City, 
Hung calls on his trademark blend of 
rhythmic sounds, poetic narrative and 
surreal visuals to tell his allegory against 
the backdrop of the Vietnamese jungle. 
"The story occasionally gets muddy, but 
the pictures keep getting better. The film 
won the Golden Lion Award at the 1995 
Venice Film Festival. 


DOOMED SIDEKICKS 


Ever notice that whenever the star is 
told, “Meet your new partner,” it’s only a 
matter of time before the underling is 
killed off? There's just something about 
number two that's conveniently dispos- 
able. For instance: 

Magnum Force (1973): Felton Perry— 
heard from him lately?—falls for the old 
bomb-in-the-mailbox trick. He's just one 
of Clint Eastwood's many partners to 
buy the farm. 

No Mercy (1986): Kim Basinger, inden- 
tured sex slave to a vice lord, lures de- 
tective Richard Gere’s partner to a death 
by disembowelment. 

Black Rain (1989): Andy Garcia loses his 
head to a motor bike-straddling samurai 
as partner Michael Douglas watches in 


horror from behind a fence, Even more 
amazing in slo-mo. 

Top Gun (1986): Watch out for that can- 
opy! Anthony “Goose” Edwards is 
cooked when cocky pilot Maverick (Tom 
Cruise) forces an ejection. 

Lonesome Dove (1989): The deathbed re- 
quest of Gus McCrae (Robert Duvall) to 
fellow former Texas Ranger Woodrow 
Call (Tommy Lee Jones) has the cowboy 
hauling old Gus’ carcass to Texas. 
Thanks for the lift, pal. 

Midnight Cowboy (1969): Every cowboy 
needs a sidekick, so when Texas hustler 
Joe Buck (Jon Voight) migrates to Man- 
hattan, he winds up bosom buddies with 
consumptive con man Ratso Rizzo (Dus- 
tin Hoffman). 

Any episode of Star Treks You never want 
to be the extra person beamed down in 
the landing party. And don’t wear the 
red shirt. BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


Laser fans eager to indulge in a study of 
cinematic contrasts need look no further 
than two of Voyager's recent Criterion 
Collection releases: John Waters' 1972 
Pink Flamingos ($49.95) and Leni Riefen- 
stahl's 1939 Olympia (two disks, $99.95). 
The laser package for Flamingos—a re- 
volting fantasia about two families com- 
peting to be the "filthiest people alive"— 
includes commentary by gross-out king 
Waters, making-of material and trailers. 
And though Olympia, a two-part docu- 
mentary on the 1936 Berlin Olympics, 
has no significant extras, it remains а 


ELAST FROM THE PAST 


Before there were X-files and Mars mis- 
sions, America was obsessed with the. 
bomb and how it 

could change— 

or end—life on 

earth. The award- 

winning Trinity 

and Beyond: The 

Atomic Bomb 

Movie ($24.95; 

Goldhil) tells the 

story of nuclear 

weaponry, from 

the 1945 trial bangs in the New Mexican 
desert to President Kennedy’s 1963 Test 
Ban Treaty. Also included: previously clas- 
sified government footage, an interview 
with Dr. Edward Teller (“father of the 
H-bomb”), an original score by the 
Moscow Symphony Orchestra—and a 
very strange finale. William Shatner nar- 
rates, (To order, call 800-250-8760.) 


peerless study on the beauty of the hu- 
man form (though Riefenstahl's political 
subtext remains controversial). . . . Lu- 
mivision has combined the versat of 
DVD with its love for classic cinema. 
Nothing Sacred, the 1937 screwball come- 
dy starring Carole Lombard and Fredric 
March, boasts a crisp transfer from the 
original 35mm film elements. as well as 
rare two-color Technicolor Mack Sen- 
nett shorts (Campus Vamp and Matchmak- 
ing Mama) and Gable and Lombard 
home movies. — GREGORY Р FAGAN 


portrait of Jewish family beset by foscism), M (Fritz Long's 
chilling 1931 sound debut gave Peter Lorre his big break as 


RESTORATION 
psycho suspect, 


ludes often-deleted lost scene). 


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Great Gaming: If it’s high-velocity fun 
you're after, you won't find a better sys- 
tem than the Mach V, from a small com- 


pany called Falcon Northwest. Each 
Mach V is made to order and packed 
with cutting-edge hardware that makes 
the elevated sticker price (averaging 
$3500 to $6000 for a high-end configu- 
ration) feel like a bargain to serious 
gamers. Home-Office Workhorse: Dell's Di- 
mension XPS D266 is a small ойїсе com- 
puter with big power. It combines a 266- 
MHz Pentium 2 processor, 6.4-GB hard 
drive, 24X CD-ROM drive, internal 
Iomega Zip drive and a 17-inch monitor. 
The price: $2700 with modem and 
speakers, $2500 without. Notebook: Gate- 
way 2000's Solo 9100 combines all the 
muscle of a desktop machine with a 
large, 13.3-inch active matrix screen, a 
combined floppy and 12X CD-ROM bay 
and both Universal Serial Bus and joy- 
stick ports—unheard of in portable sys- 
tems. The price: about $5000. 


THE PSX CHALLENGE 


Hard-core gamers and aspiring pro- 
grammers can now create their own 
Playstation titles with Sony's Net Yaroze, 
a matte-black box that resembles a 
Playstation console. Net Yaroze is a PC 
peripheral that allows you to download 


36 computer-generated creations and play 


them just as you would any other 
Playstation title. The $750 system in- 
cludes all the programming software 
you'll need, along with access to the Net 
Yaroze Web site, which provides tech 
support and serves as a think tank for 
like-minded creators. But be warned: 
The game-development process is com- 
plex and is intended for serious hobby- 
ists. If you're up to the challenge, the re- 
sults can be lucrative. Sony plans to 
publish collections of the best Net Yaroze 
games and will pay full royalties to the 
lucky creators. 


JUST SAY NO TO NOISE 


Cranking up a personal stereo in a noisy 
atmosphere such as a train or plane will 
eventually cause your ears to ache or the 
sound drivers to pop from volume over- 
load. But plug a special set of noise-can- 
cellation headphones into that portable 
music maker, and you end the journey 
with cars and gear fresh and functioning 
well. Microphones in these headphones 
pick up the environmental noise that's 
coming at your cars, while an active 
noise-cancellation circuit generates an 
inverse signal that magically eliminates 
much of the racket. The music comes 
through clearly at comfortable listening 


levels. Consumer-grade noise-zapping 
headphones are proliferating. We like 
Koss’ $200 Quiet Zone 2000 the best, fol- 


lowed by the bargain Noise Buster Ex- 
treme ($70). While not as powerful in 
quelling din, Bose’s Personal ANR-1 
($300) has the lightest-weight headband, 
and Sony's MDR-NC20 ($200) has the 
best design, with the electronics built in- 
to the headphones rather than in the 
small, outboard box used by competi- 
tors. Tip: Experienced air travelers wear 
these phones without music playing— 
just to squelch cabin noise so they сап 


get some sleep. 


* If your wrist needs a rest, try Kensington's award-winning Orbit. The ergonomic 


mouse olternative (pictured below) lets your fingers do the work vio o trockball (for 
moving the cursor oround the screen), and there are right and left buttons for opening 


and closing documents and files. Price: obout $60. e A company called Coollogic 
has come up with a TV Internet terminal thot rivols the boxes offered by Web TV. 
Coollogic's CL-3000 ollows you to navigote the Web with Netscape or Mi- 
crosoft's Internet Navigator rather than Web TV's proprietary browser. It al- 
so features a 33.6 kbps modem, a printer port and a Zip drive for down- 

looding data. The price: $600. e Looking for on eosy way to lood 
trodifional pictures on to your computer? Then check out 
Storm Technology's Easy Photo Reader. This 


$100 color scanner was designed exclu- 
sively for transferring snapshot-size 
images to a PC for use in home- 
mode greeling cards, e-mail or 
other computer documents. ® 
Hi-Vol, Inc. has come up with o 
unique DVD product. The Hi-Vol 
PC to TV Home Entertainment 
System is o PC upgrode kit that 
ollows you to transmit DVD soft- 
wore from your computer to your 
television sel—wirelessly. It costs 
about $850. € Panasonic has in- 
troduced the Clip-On, a business 
card-sized color video comero 
thot clips to a notebook's dis- 
play and plugs into a PC-card 
slot. Laptop owners con use it to 
create and send video e-moil 
and for videoconferencing. It also 
transmits sound. Price: obout $550. 


MULTIMEDIA 
REVIEWS & NEWS 


Because some CD-ROM sales have 
tanked, we thought there would be slim 
pickings for the holidays. Wrong. Some 
of the most highly anticipated Playsta- 
tion, Nintendo 64 and computer titles 
will be released just in time to stuff stock- 
ings. Among them is Riven, the long- 
awaited sequel to Myst. Here's our list of 
picks for the Christmas season. Prices 
range from $30 to $200, 


FOR ACTION ADVENTURERS 

Marathon game players, get your coffee 
ready. Riven vill arrive just in time for 
Christmas. Combining gorgeous graph- 


CYBER SCOO 


МД“ If you have a personal question 
regarding AIDS ar НІМ check out 
the Body at www.thebody.com. 

In addition to offering a wealth 


of health information and re- 
sources, the site allows you ta 
top into its panel of experts, wha 
will respond promptly to all 


AIDS-related inquiries posted in 
its forum. 


Patti Britton, a Son Francisca- 
hased sex therapist, has opened 
one of the Web's first sex clinics. 
Cyberpatients can log on to 
www.sexclinic.com to discuss in- 
timacy issues, talk sex with other 
surfers or obtain the latest info 
оп sexual health and pleasure. 


ics with better puzzles and a deeper sto- 
ry line, Riven has you dis 
worlds, in search of Atrus' wife, Cather- 
ine. (By Red Orb Entertainment, for 
Windows 95 and Mac.) The second- 
most-anticipated game of the season, Fi- 
nal Fantasy МИ, is already a blockbuster in 
Japan and has been called the greatest 
role-playing ad- 

venture game 
ever. The story 
pits a group of 
rebels against a 
global corpora- 
tion whose ex- 
ploitation of nat- 
ural resources 
threatens to de- 
stroy the planet. 
(By Square Soft, 
for Playstation.) 
Scoring big points 
for originality is 
Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee, a game in which 
you help a lovable alien save his species 
from extinction by using teamwork to 
solve ingenious story-based puzzles. (By 


Riven is riveting 


GT Interactive, for Windows 95 and 
Playstation.) Trekkers will want to race to 
stores at warp speed for Star Trek: Secret of 
Vulcan Fury, the first really good 

Star Trek game, complete with all 
the voices of the original cast. (By 
Interplay, for Windows 95.) 
Digital pin-up girl and ar- 
chaeological explorer Lara 
Croft returns in Tomb Raider I, 
a sequel that looks and plays 
even better than the ground- 
breaking original. (By Eidos, for 
Windows 95 and Playstation.) 
John Romero, the creator of 
Doom and Quake, left id Soft- 
ware last spring to form his own 
company, Ion Storm. Daiketano, 
the first release from Romero's 
new venture, is a wild fighting 
and role-playing game in which 
you star as a badass samu 
(For Windows 95.) Jedi Knight, 
the outstanding sequel to Dark. 
Forces, supplies a pulse-pound- 
ing mixture of first-person 
shoot-em-up action, top- 
notch graphics and Star 
Wars mythology. (By Lu- 
cas Arts, for Windows 95.) For James 
Bond fans, there’s Golden Eye 007, an 
impressive action game with weapons 
and bad guys galore that captures the 
essence of Ian Fleming's spy series. (By 
Nintendo, for N64.) 


Lora 


SIM LUCK 

Descent fans are going to love Forsaken, 
which contributes much-improved 
graphics and game controls to the futur- 
istic flight-combat genre. (By Acclaim, 
for Windows 95, Playstation and N64.) If 
modern-day realism is more your thing, 
check out Longbow 2, another flight-com- 
bat simulator that features enhanced 
multiplayer capabilities and four times 
the graphic detail of the best-selling 
original. (By Electronic Arts, for Win- 
dows 95.) i Panzer "44, a World War Two 
tank-combat simulation, offers superior 
technical accuracy and hard-hitting ac- 
tion. (By Interac- 
tive Magic, for 
Windows 95.) 


BEST OF THE 
BIZARRE 
Shiny Entertain- 
ment, the creator 
of Earthworm 
Jim and MDK, 
has outdone itself 
with Messiah, а 
gritty 3D action 
title in which you 
take on the role of 
a cherub fighting the forces of evil. (For 
Windows 95.) Fans of Dreamworks’ Nev- 
erhood will rejoin the kooky character 
named Klayman in Skullmonkeys, a won- 


derfully odd and action-packed Clayma- 
tion game with weapons such as the 
hamster shield and universal enema that 
delivers all of the personality—and none 
of the tedium—of its predecessor: (For 
Playstation.) Douglas Adams (Hitch- 
hiker's Guide to the Galaxy) goes digi- 
tal with Starship Titanic, an offbeat 
adventure laced with the author's 
wry humor. (By Simon & Schuster 
Interactive, for Windows 95 and 
Mac.) Phil Hartman (News Radio 
and Saturday Night Live) lends his 
voice to Blasto, an original retrofu- 
turistic action shooter game star- 
ring the galaxy's most pompous 
superhero. (By Sony, for Playsta- 
tion.) Akvji the Heartless uses great 
graphics, puzzles and bloodlet- 
ting combat to tell the tale of a 
young man whose heart is 
ripped out on his wedding 
day and who must fight 
voodoo and other sinister 
jungle forces to make himself 
whole again. (By Crystal Dy- 
namics, for Windows 95.) 


r than ever 
SPORTS AND 
THE GREAT OUTDOORS 

NFL Gameday "98 boasts realistic graphics, 
awesome game play and Sony’s patented 
“total control passing” system, which 
provides enhanced precision when it 
comes to throwing the ball. (For Playsta- 
tion.) March Madness “98 delivers all of the 
excitement of college basketball, with 
107 men's teams and, for the first time, 
eight women's teams. (By Electronic 
Arts, for Playstation and Windows 95.) 
Events such as bobsledding, luging, ski- 
ing and speed skating come to the N64 
in Nagano Winter Olympics "98. (By Konami 
of America.) And, finally, every page of 
every issue of all 108 years of the leg- 
endary magazine has been artfully as- 
sembled in the Complete National Geo- 
graphic, an amazing 30-disc set that will 
take you to every corner of the world 
and outer space. (By Mindscape, for 
Windows 95 and Mac.) 


DIGITAL DUDS 


Ü 


Space Bunnies Must Die: If the 
game were as dever as its title, 
this lome-laoking action shooter 
might have hopped off store 
shelves. Insteod, we predict 
copies will be collecting bun- 
nies—of the dust kind. 


Duckman: Our dud-hunters have 
declered open season on this 
tiresome and paorly rendered 
graphic misadventure. Skip it. 


Ü 


See what's happening on Playbay's 
Home Page at hitp://www.playboy.com. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 195. 


37 


BOOKS 


MASTERS OF THE MACABRE 


Anne Rice and Stephen King have conjured up some fien. 
delights just in time for the holidays. Rice, that literary 
oso of sexual and religious obsessions, has written Violin 
(Knopf). the tale of a widow haunted by 
death and music. Seduced 
by a Stradivarius and 
whisked through time 
to meet Beethoven in 
19th century Vienna, 
the tormented woman 
joins such wildly imaj 
native characters as 
those in Rice's Vampire 
Chronicles. 
Stephen King admits 
that his Dark Tower series 
(begun several years be- 
fore Carrie) is the continu- 
ing passion of his literary 
life. Fans have waited five 
years for this fourth install- 
ment of the futuristic adven- 
tures of Roland the Gun- 
slinger. The Dark Tower IV: 
Wizard end Glass (Donald M. 
Grant limited-edition hardcov- 
er, Plume paperback) is well worth the wait. King is not only a 
gifted storyteller, but also a mythmaker whose parables res- 
Onate with both past and contemporary cultures. —pIGBY DIEHL 


MAGNIFICEN | 
OBSESSIONS 


Erotic art is in the eye af the beholder, and four new coffee- 
table baoks explore its diversity Ars Erotica: An Arousing Histo- 
ry of Erotic Art (Rizzoli) by Edward Lucie-Smith features 125 
colar illustrations of works by the great masters as well as 
eratic photagraphy and sensuaus prose and paetry. Collec- 
tors, photography buffs and fans af the timeless pin-up will 
love The Pirelli Calendar 1964-1997 (Rizzoli). This collectian of 
264 sexy phatas was shat by some af the warld's top photog- 
rophers. If rubber, leather, nylans, high heels and bandage 
turn you on, catch up with Beauty Parade (Taschen) by fetish 
king Eric Krall. A pioneer of bondage imagery with his first 
book, Fetish Girls, Krall is always hunting for edgy ways to 
photograph women, Finally, there's comic-book eroticism in 


The Art of Eric Stanton: For the Man Who Knows His Place 
í (Taschen). Each vol- 

ume is a coffee- 

table conversa- 

tion storter. 


—HELEN 
FRANGOULIS 


3B 


WAR IS HELL 


Long before recorded history, humans slashed and slaugh 
tered one another with blood-splattering relish. Never satis 
fied with their killing machines, they went from catapults to 
cannons to nuclear missiles that have the potential to turn the 
planet into Death Valley. Most students of war trace its origin 
to the hunter. They argue that the tactics and weapons of 
primitive hunters evolved into what we watched on the tube 
during Desert Storm. Now a brave and damn smart woman, 
Barbara Ehrenreich, has trashed this theory in Blood Rites: Ori- 
gins end History of the Passions of War (Metropolitan Books). She 
contends the к 


emotions that 
drive men to 
war come from 
our struggles 
to stay out of 
the stomachs of 
beasts. War 
comes not from 
our being the 
hunter, but 
from our be- 
ing the hunted 
She asserts that 
because we 
spent too many 
years ducking 
carnivores, the tactics we developed to stay alive became the 
underlying basis for war. —COL DAVID HACKWORTH 


ON THE ROAD 


American literature is rich with stories of the adventure trav- 
eler—from Melville to Kerouac to Theroux. For all these writ- 
ers, the journey begins as an escape and ends up being some- 
thing more. So it is for Gary Paulsen, who writes eloquently 
about his motorcycle trip from New Mexico to Fairbanks, 
Alaska and back in Pilgrimage on а Steel Ride (Harcourt Brace). 
Naturally, his bike is a Harley-Davidson, the kind he had been 
dreaming about owning for much of his life. The round-trip is 
just about 10,000 miles (including a trip through Minnesota). 
Paulsen writes about the landscapes and the people along the 
way, but his meditations on freedom and solitude while roar- 
ing through the Northwest are the highlights. This is great 
fun for an armchair adventurer and, like Sebastian Junger's 
The Perfect Storm (Norton) and Jon Krakauer's Into Thin Air (Vil- 
lard), it's a perfect way to travel light. —DIGBY DIEHL 


PICTURE THIS: 

Famous for his colarful personality and fast 
living, photographer Jim 
Marshall—who started 
taking pictures in San 
Francisco's acid heyday— 
shares his rock-and-roll 
images in Not Fade Away 
(little, Brawn). The 124 
duotone photos in this rock 
history include Jimi and Jon- 
is at Golden Gote Pork, a 
young Jerry Gorcia, Jim Mar- 
rison, the Allman Brothers, 
Jahn Lennon at Candlestick 
Park bofare the Beatles’ final concert and John- 
ny Cash flipping the bird at Son Quentin. Rack 
and roll never forgets. — HELEN FRANGOULIS 


AWAY 


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Light years ahead. 


МЕМ 


( entlemen, I bring you good news. 

It turns out that we are, for the 
first timc in recorded history, frec of any 
major obligations to the women in our 
lives—if you belicve some of my female 
sources. 

According to several of my gal pals— 
each of whom recendy let me know her 
thinking on this subject—women have 
now reached such a level of indepen- 
dence that they no longer need any sig- 
nificant help from men. Indeed, to hear 
these folks tell it, all that women want 
from us today is slivers of support while 
they fulfill their ambitions in life. Men, 
to them, are irrelevant creatures who 
might be useful for an occasional car re- 
pair, but that's about it. 

“You guys just don't get it," Jill says to 
me at our health club as we work out on 
side-by-side Stair Masters. "A lot of men 
sull want to be heroes who save the day. 
‘They strut around like Hercules and 
pretend they can protect us, but 1 have 
news: We don't need to be saved.” 

“Wow,” I say. “That's amazing.” 

“Yes, it is,” Jill agrees. “We are totally 
capable of handling our own affairs. So 
you boys should stop acting like knights 
in shining armor. You're all dressed up 
with no place to joust. Because the days 
when we needed male chivalry are dead 
and gone.” 

1 feel winded after that disclosure. “I 
guess that's why you go so much faster 
on your Stair Master than I do on mine,” 
I say. “My armor weighs me down. So 
does my shield and sword.” 

“You guys are such jerks,” Jill says, 
laughing, “You still fantasize about being 
heroes to us, don’t you?” 

“Not always, but sometimes,” I say. “I 
guess it’s genetic. It starts at an early age. 
It has something to do with our mothers 
and our teachers. They make us feel 
good when we help them. They praise 
us for it and we enjoy being useful." 

"The heroic-male-rescues-the-help- 
less-female fantasy, right? It's like a bad. 
movie. You charge across the draw- 
bridge and fight your way to the castle 
tower and save the damsel in distress 
from impending doom." 

“Yeah,” I say, nodding. "It's something 
like that. In our dreams, anyway." 

“After you slash through dragons and 
break down doors, you pull the damsel 
into your arms for a kiss." 

“Sure,” I say. “In our fantasies, we've 


40 just risked our lives for them, so we fig- 


By ASA BABER 


NO MORE DAMSELS 
IN DISTRESS? 


ure they'll be grateful to us." 

"And may I ask what your damsel is 
wearing as you save her?” Jill says 

“A flimsy low-cut gown I can see 
through in the torchlight," I chuckle. 
“She has an innocent face and magnifi- 
cent breasts and swivel hips.” 

Jill shakes her head. “You men bring 
sex into everything, don't you? I pity 
you. We're not looking for Sir Galahad 
anymore. Just send me a plumber or a 
carpenter. Give me a guy who can keep 
the bathroom clean and I'll take him. 
For us, small is beautiful, Ace." 

“I'm really glad I talked to you,” I say 
as I reach over and shake Jill’s hand. 
“You've changed my life. You're telling 
me that it’s a whole new ball game out 
there between men and women, right?” 

"Right." Jill pumps her fist in the air 
“So get with the program.” 

“I will!” I say as I climb off the Stair 
Master and walk down to the men’s lock- 
er room with a new spring in my step. 
Jill is the third woman this week to give 
me these insights, and I am starting to 
believe their stories. 

“Free al last, free at last, great God 
almighty, we are free at last,” I yell to my 
buddies. 

They look at me as if I've lost it. “What 
the hell are you talking about, Ace?” 
Marty asks me. 

“It’s a new universe for guys now,” I 


say. “It's up to us to understand that fact 
and grasp the opportunity! Because we 
are free! Women don't need us anymore. 
They're strong and autonomous and 
ready Lo control their own lives, Without 
any help from us.” 

“Says who?" Marty asks. 

“Says Jill, for one.” 1 smile. “She ex- 
plained it to me.” 

“Explained what?” 

“That we're trapped in an old-fash- 
ioned rescue mode when it comes to the 
way we view women. We think they want 
us to protect them, but they are 21st cen- 
tury women, liberated and powerful, 
while we're still muddling around in 
rusty armor of the Middle Ages." 

“Jill said that?" Marty says, smiling. 

“Yeah,” I answer. 

Marty puts an arm around my shoul- 
der. “Did you ever think there might be 
another side to it, kid?” 

“How could there be another side to 
anything a woman says today?” 1 ask. 

Marty points. “You see Ken over 
there? Jill got Ken's job four years after 
he recruited her for his firm. She begged 
him for work and asked him to mentor 
her. Now he’s been downsized and she’s 
in fat city.’ 
Well," I say, wincing, “maybe she did 
not know then what she knows now." 

“ОК, what about Jack? He was mar- 
ried to Jill's cousin. He had to pay her al- 
imony and give her half his business 
when they got divorced. He's rescuing 
her despite himself, по?” 

“I don't know about that one," I ad- 
mit. “I'd have to study the case.” 

“Then there's Harry. Poor Harry. Jill's 
best friend, Laura, sued him for sexual 
harassment on the job. And after the 
typical he-said-she-said debate, Laura 
got most of Harry's savings in a set- 
tlement out of court. So where does Har- 
ry fit in terms of rescue and support? If 
women have no need for us, why don't they 
just leave us alone?” Marty yells. 

"I'm not sure,” I say. “I'll check with 
Jill tomorrow.” 

But as I say it, I can feel myself sad- 
dling my horse and oiling my armor. 
And not for a rescue mission for some 
damsel in distress, either, but for an ex- 
tended campaign of self-defense in a 
confusing and difficult struggle. 


1 
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DANIEL DEST pros 
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MAN'S GUIDE DIAMONDS 


ARE YOU one of the TWO MILLION 
victims of ENGAGEMENT RING anxiety? 


1. Relax. Guys simply are notsupposed to know 
this stuff. Dads rarely say, “Son, let's talk diamonds" 
2. But it's still your call. So rcad on. 

3. Spend wisely. It’s tricky because no two diamonds 
arc alike. Formed in the carth millions of ycars ago, 
diamonds are found in the most remote corners of 
the world. Dc Beers, thc world's largest diamond 
company, has over 100 years’ experience in mining 
and valuing. They sort rough diamonds into over 
5,000 grades before they go on to be cut and pol- 
ished. So be sure you know what you're buying. 
"Two diamonds of the same size may vary widely 

in quality. And if a price looks too good to be true, 
it probably is. 

4. Learn the jargon. Your guide to quality and 

value is a combination of four characteristics called 
The 4 С. They are: Cuz, not the same as shape, 

but refers to the way the facets, or flat surfaces, are 
angled. A better cut offers more brilliance; Color. 


actually, close to no color is rarest; Clarity, the fewer 
natural marks, or “inclusions,” the better; Carat 
weight, the larger the diamond, usually the more rare. 
5. Determine your price range. What do you spend on the one woman in the world who is smart enough to marry you? 
Many people use the Avo months’ salary guideline. Spend less and the relatives will talk. Spend more and they'll rave. 

6, Watch her as you browse. Go by how she reacts, not by what she says. She may be reluctant to tell you what she 
really wants. Then once you have an idea of her taste, don’t involve her in the actual purchase. You both will cherish 
the memory of your surprise. 

7. Find a reputable jeweler, someone you can trust, to ensure you're getting a diamond you can be proud of. Ask 
questions. Ask friends who've gone through it. Ask the jeweler you choose why two diamonds that look the same are 
priced differently. Avoid Happy Harry’s Diamond Basement. 

8. Learn more. For the booklet “How to buy diamonds you'll be proud to give,” call 1-800-FOREVER, Dept. 21. 

9. Finally, think romance. And don't compromise. This is one of life's most important occasions. You want a diamond as 


unique as your love. Besides, how else can taro months’ salary last forever? 


Diamond Information Center 
Sponsored by De Beers Consolidated Mines, Ltd., Est. 1888 


A diamond is forever. 
De Beers 


ley...1Us personal 


Wines for Christmas 


Do something special for the 
holidays—indulge in really 
great wine. If turkey (or goose) 
is on the menu, consider these 
excellent whites: From the 
Loire Valley, а 1995 Sancerre 
(Comte Lafond, about $25) or 
a 1992 Pouilly Fumé (Baron de 
L, about $60). From Burgundy, 
a 1995 Puligny-Montrachet 
(Chateau de Puligny Montra- 
chet, about $36). From Cali- 
BINE ionic, the 1994 Cakebread 
= Сейог'в Chordonncy Reserve 
Power SMOKES (сьоч 536). If o rib roast is 
lf you're searching for new stogies, we've being served, here's our 
smoked out the best. Left to right: Oliveros choice of reds: From France's 
Coroneles ore premium cigars from one of — Rhóne Valley, try a 1990 Cate 
the Dominican Republic's top tobacco grow- Rôtie (Guigal, about $40). 
ers. Hoja Cubano Churchills feature leoves From Bordeaux, a 1986 
from Nicaragua, Honduras, Ecuador and Cháteau Lo Mission Hout- 
the Dominican Republic. Indian Tobac Tom- Brion (about $80) or c 1986 
chowks are full bodied. Padrón Exclusives Chateau Palmer (about $66]. 
are similar to Cuban cigars. Caoba Plat- From Clifomio, a 1991 
inums ore smooth. Lone Wolf Robustos ore Robert Mondovi Cabernet 
smokes from Jim Belushi ond Chuck Norris. Sauvignon Reserve (about $60). 


Best Seat 
in the House 


Macanudo, a Jamaican 
company whose name is 
synonymous with fine to- 
bacco, has taken the log- 
ical step of creating the 
perfect seat in which to 
relax while you fire up 
one of its Vintage Cabi- 
net Selectians. The Ma- 
canudo London Men's 
Club Chair (pictured 
here) looks os if it could 
hove been the throne of 
Winston Churchill or 
Rudyard Kipling, but it’s 
actually made in North 
Coralina of leather that's 
as rich as your best dou- 
ble coronc. And the 
$2200 price includes a 
pillow embroidered with 
the Macanudo crest, lest 
you forget your chair's 
pedigree. With a price 
that’s less than the cost 
of some humidors, it’s 
the perfect spot in which 
to enjoy a smoke, a drink 
and а first edition. 

— 43 


MANTRACK = Žž | _ 


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LLL LLL LL LL Lh 


Lobster Fed EK 
Let somebody else cook the turkey. 
This yeor, do whot Arnold Schwarz- 
enegger, LeAnn Rimes, Eric Clopton 
and the Los Angeles Lokers do: Moil- 
order the best borbecued smoked 
turkey, ribs ond brisket in Texas from 
Sonny Bryon's Smokehouse Borbecue 
(800-5-SONNYS). Prefer Memphis- 
style ribs? Call Corky's B-B-Q ot 
800-926-7597 and you'll hove as 
many rocks os you want via Fed Ex. 
Or have a winter seafood picnic, 
complete with lobster and chowder, 
shipped from Clomboke Celebrotions 
(B00-423-403B). For duck or pheas- 
ant contoct D'Artognon at B00- 
DARTACM. Or toke o gomy opproach 
with antelope or wild boor from Bro- 
ken Arrow Ronch in Texos (800-962- 
4263). Remember the night Dovid 
Letiermon reveoled his possion for 
truffles from Minerva Street Choco- 
lates by pitching them into the audi- 
ence? Call Minerva ot 313-996-4090. 
lo shore them—lobbed or passed— 
with your own guests 


Luxury Leather, We Presume 


Like a greot pair of jeans or fine cowboy 
boots, Levenger's Stonley Traveler (top 
right), named after Henry Morton (Dr. Liv- 
ingstone, | presume") Stonley, gets better 
with оде. The leother is full-grain cow- 
hide—tumbled, woxed and polished—and 
the bog measures 14"х 10". Thot's just 
enough room for o copy of West With the 
Night and your loptop—plus o notebook 
‘ond a cell phone stoshed in the front pock- 
ets. Price: $289. Levenger hos more Ston- 
ley-inspired products in the works. The. 
Troger Laptop Brief below the Troveler is the 
corry-on to tote when you don't wont to be 
noticed. The bog is 1000 Denier Dupont 
Cordura Plus (with leother trim ond metol 
hardwore), ond it doesn't look like whot it 
is—a podded, legol-size briefcose designed 
to house a notebook computer. Price: $90. 


The Buck Too! Stops Here 


Still lugging oround that tockle box full of screwdrivers, pliers ond files in 
cose you need to tighten the hood straps on your Morgan or perform other 
repoir-missions impossible? That's fine if you olso use the pocket pro- 
tector from your insuronce agent. Otherwise, join the Nineties 
ord drop about $60 for a multifunctional Buck Tool, from 

Buck Knives. The model 360FL pictured here features ten 
iuns (including pliers, wire culler, blode, file, bul- 
А tle-ond-con opener ond ossorted screwdrivers) 
housed in o polm-sized pockoge with nonslip 
hondles thot won't pinch like о son of o bitch if 
А you moke o wrong move. (The implements 
lock into ploce, then disengoge with a push-but- 
Î ton release.) With o little twirl, the Buck Tool opens 
180 degrees for on extended reach or locks ot 90 degrees for 
greoter leveroge and torque. Buck even throws in a sheath as port 
of the decl. (A model with o pocket clip is olso ovailoble.} It’s mode 
in the US. ond comes with Buck Tool's lifetime worranty. 


` 


del Sel Eats 


Airport food never looked so chic. The restourant Typhoon, situated in the administrotion 
building ot Sonta Monica's municipol airport, offers a panoromic view of ocean ond 
mountoins and speciolizes in the exotic fore of the Orient. As privote planes toke off ond 
land, you con somple Chinese, Thoi, Joponese, Koreon, Philippine, Vietnomese and 
Burmese cuisine while sipping a single-molt whiskey or one of the eatery's Asion beers. 
Our fovorite dish? Koreon barbecue beef 
ribs. Adventurous diners con try Taiwonese- 
style crickets with raw gorlic, chilis ond Asian 
basil. You соп also wetch for high-flying stars 
either from the dining room or the open-air 
observotion deck. Typhoon boosts on eclectic 
and famous dientele—Michoel Monn threw 


а wrop porty there, ond Kur! Russell, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Al Pocino, Horrison 
Ford ond Oliver Stone have olso shown up. [It seems that Typhoon proprietor Brian Vi- 
dor—whose fother directed movies ond whose brother owns New York's Tovern on the 
Green—hos Hollywood ond restourants in his blood.) Each Mondoy, pilots ond possen- 
gers gother for jazz night. The restouront is a hit with couples on first dotes, too, maybe 
because it serves chiew—an ophrodisioc elixir thot includes gecko, seo horse, coterpillor 
опа ginseng. Drink it before joining the mile-high club. For seots, coll 310-390-6565. 


WHERE L HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 195 


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Total Control 


If you need a remote to find all your 
= = other remotes, do something smart- 
consolidate. Marantz' RC2000 ($250, 
pictured at right) is one of the best 
all-in-one “smart” remotes. Н may 
look intimidoting, but this smooth op- 
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grommed with bosic commands ond 
con leom virtually all the control 
codes of your current remotes. It fea- 
tures macro keys copable of storing o 
series of up to 20 commonds ot the 
press of a button. Hit one key and 
your TV turns on, your VCR kicks in, 
your receiver powers up and the lights 
dim. Lighted keys and on LCD screen 
also make odjustments eosy. 


= n SIME 7 Porto Bello 
Gel Fired Up A traditional cap to your holiday тео! is a pairing of port ond cheese. If port is a new 
There's no more certain way to botch experience, here's a primer. Port is o fortified wine mode in the Douro Valley of Por- 
а romantic winter evening than to fill tugol. Its name comes from the city from which it's shipped, Oporto. Vintage port is 
the condo with woodsmoke. Here's the finest variety but con require 20 to 30 yeors of aging before it comes to its full 
the right way to light her fire. First, potentiol. Other varieties will do nicely. Aged 
токе sure the damper is open. If the tawny ports ore often extremely good: Try Tay- 
smoke from o motch doesn't rise up lor Fladgote 20-Yeor-Old, Cockbum 10-Year- 
the chimney. the damper is closed. Old or Quinta do Novol 20-Year-Old. Lote bot- 
Next, make sure the wood is dry. (Dry tled vintage port derives from a single year and 
hardwood logs will moke a ringing is usually ready to drink immediotely. Try Taylor 
sound when knocked together.) Lay a Fladgote LBV, Fonseca LBV or Croft LBV. Vintage 
large log at the back of the grate choracter ports ore premium ruby ports oged in 
Place o handful of tinder in front of wood. Styles vary widely; our choices include 
that log (try birch bark or pitch-satu- Groham's Six Grapes ond Fonseco Bin 27. Ben- 
roted fotwood sticks). Place finger- jamin Tawny is a surprisingly good port from 
thick pieces of kindling over the fire Australia. Now for the cheese. Stilton, an Eng- 
storter, resting them against the log lish blue cheese, is the troditional accomponi- 
like o smoll leon-to. Light the fire ment. Other blue-veined cheeses, such as gor- 
starter. Allow it to ignite the kindling, gonzola, olso go well. If you're in the mood for 
then gradually add bigger pieces of something less complex, try an extra-shorp. 
wood. A fireplace screen is a must. oged cheddar. Wolnuts ово complement port 


Snakebit 


The Plymouth Prowler hos barely hit ¡he streets and olreody the folks at Chrysler have developed а new concept car. At a glonce, the long- 
hood, short-rear deck styling of the Dodge Copperhead gives it o son-of-Viper look that we like. (It's actually eight inches shorter ond three 
inches norrower than the big snake.) It’s no accident thot the car also reminds us of o clossic Sixties sports car. John Herlitz, Chrysler's vice 
president of product design, odmits the compony admires great designs of the past, even when they're someone else's. The Copperheod’s 
bite comes from а new 220-horsepower V-6 coupled to a five-speed georbox. Shod with huge Goodyear tires ond fitted with ABS ond disc 
brakes, it promises handling thot will put to rest any queosy memories you might have of the cornering eccentricities of 30-year-old British 
roodsters. And, yes, the Copperheod (which is mode only in 
one color—bright oronge) hos snokeskin-potierned up- 
holstery. Dodge is keeping mum, but we predict thot 
the Copperheod will be out by the year 2000, 

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


М, wife and 1 arc planning a Playboy 
After Dark party and need advice on how 
to make it a success. We'll return to 1963, 
the last year it was cool to be an adult, 
and require all guests to come in charac- 
ter. Some of the activities will include a 
Sean Connery look-alike contest, Play- 
mate of the Year competition, baccarat 
tournament and music and dancing 
from the era. We'll also offer good food 
and a well-stocked bar. Сап you give us 
any other suggestions for a successful gath- 
ering?—R.B., Bakersfield, California 

The show you're thinking of is “Playboy's 
Penthouse,” which ran for two seasons be- 
ginning in 1959 and then returned for a 
Short run in 1963. “Playboy Afier Dark" 
ran for two seasons beginning in 1968. The 
penthouse in the original series was on the 
30th floor, and there were always plenty of 
wide martinis and tall women. For your 
gathering, clear some space for dancing, and 
arrange the couches and chairs for conversa- 
tion. The host makes the party, so you'll play 
the role of Hef. Looking trim and confident 
in your tux, you circulate and set the tone 
and pace. Encourage your guests to enter- 
tain and be entertained. On the list: Ella 
Fitzgerald, Shel Silverstein, Lenny Bruce, 
Ray Charles, Sammy Davis Jr, Count Basie, 
Dizzy Gillespie, Della Reese, Tony Bennett 
and Buddy Rich. Next time around, throw 
that “Playboy After Dark” party. Invite co- 
medians such as Bill Cosby, Bob Newhart, 
Carol Burnett, George Carlin and Mort 
Sahl, and performers such as Clara Ward, 
Marvin Gaye, B.B. King and Johnny Math- 
is. Listen as Dick Martin expounds on “those 
crazy little fuzzy butts” on the Bunnies. And 
tell your single male guests to heep their eyes 
peeled for their own Barbi Benton. Hef met 
her on the set, 


F never could remember the rest of the 
“Man from Nantucket” limerick either 
(The Playboy Advisor, August), but you 
jogged my memory. How about these fa- 
vorites: “There was a young man from 
St. Clair/ Who was fucking his wife on 
the stair./In the middle of his stroke, the 
banister broke/And he finished her off in 
midair." Or, “There was a young man 
from Trent/ Whose dick was so long that 
it bent./ To save his wife trouble, he put it 
in double,/And instead of coming, he 
went."—].M., Memphis, Tennessee 

Thanks for writing the Advisor, You've 
left us feeling much wiser/If your lady likes 
poems, and you've taken her home, /This 
isn't the way to entice her. 


Over the past few months I have got- 
ten ahead of myself when it comes to ci- 
gars. 1 have received a few boxes as gifts, 
and have bought a few. My humidor is 
too small to hold the boxes, and I don't 
want my stash to turn to powder. How 


long will the cigars stay fresh in a box 
that’s sealed in cellophane?—K.A., Chi- 
cago. Illinois 

Our friendly tobacconist, Harvey at the 
Cigar King, says to keep the sealed boxes in- 
tact until you're ready to shift the cigars lo a 
humidor The best way is to find a sealable 
plastic bag large enough to hold the cigar 
box. Sprinkle some distilled water in the bag 
and then shake it out so the inside is barely 
moist. Place the box inside the bag and close 
it. Put it in a closet or on a shelf where the 
temperature is moderate. As Harvey says, 
“Any place you're comfortable, the cigars are 
comfortable.” Check every few weeks and 
keep the interior of the bag slightly wel. Your 
cigars will be ready for you when you are 
ready for them. 


During intercourse, do women prefer 
short strokes or long ones? I try to vary 
my technique, but sometimes my part- 
ner says I'm not pushing deep enough, 
or that I’m pushing too deep. Which 
way should 1 go?—H.D., Akron, Ohio 

Go the way your partner tells you to go. If 
there are no verbal signals, pay attention to 
the nonverbal ones. Don’t make a plan— 
sometimes shallow is good, sometimes you 
need to go deep. In its "Guide to Getting It 
On,” the staff of Goofy Foot Press (800-310- 
7529) shares a Taoist technique in which the 
man repeats a sequence of nine shallow 
thrusts and one deep. Our advice: Don't 
count out loud. 


How can 1 be sure that a used car 
doesn't have any dirty little secrets? I 
once read about a service that offers a 
history of any vehide. Does this compa- 
ny still exis? —M.D., Queens, New York 

You're thinking of Carfax (800-346-3846 


ILLUSTRATION EY ISTVAN BANYA 


or carfaxreport.com). The company has a 
databasc of 190 million cars and light trucks 
dating from 1981, including 19 million (in 
47 states) that have problems. A Carfax re- 
port, which costs $12.50 on the Net or $20 
via fax, can help you determine if the odome- 
ter has been rolled back, if the vehicle identi- 


fication number matches the description of 


the car, how many tines the title has changed 
hands, or if the vehicle was wrecked and re- 
built, bought back as a lemon, damaged by 
flooding or junked and salvaged. The com- 
pany also has plans to collect information on 
recalls, emisstons inspections, whether the 
car was rented, leased or a fleet vehicle, and 
claims made to insurance companies. As 
Carfax will tell you, the report shouldn't be 
considered comprehensive. But it’s an inex- 
pensive precaution. To order, you'll need the 
vehicle’s 17-character VIN, found on the 
driver’s-side dash, and the 16-character 
credit-card number found in your wallet. A 
similar service, Vehicle History Report (800- 
348-2047), uses records from each state’s 
Depariment of Motor Vehicles, more than 
350 insurance companies, 4000 car dealers 
and 10,000 repair shops. 


IM, wife has discovered that fellatio 
can stop hiccups. Unfortunately, she lost 
the hiccups in middecd, got the giggles 
and left me feeling that the cure was not 
quite complete. Docs the Advisor know 
of a handy way to cause and sustain hic- 
cups?—S.M., Walnut Creek, California 

No. But it sounds like what you really 
need is a cure for the giggles. 


There is a sexy girl at work who always 
makes me horny. She's 18 and I'm 19. 
She messes around with her hair, licks 
her lips, puts her fingers in her mouth 
and pretends she is sucking cock and al- 
ways gives me the tongue. She makes 
these gestures every day and is constant- 
ly blowing kisses at me. I like ita lot and 
she knows it. I usually sit there like a 
geek, smiling and shifting in my seat. 
I'm inexperienced in these situations. 
When I ask her if she wants to go out, 
she always has something else going on. 
She has given me her pager number, but 
when I call she never calls back. What 
should I dor—A.]., St. Paul, Minnesota 

Ignore her. She'll try harder. Ignore her 
some more. Eventually she'll ask why you're 
ignoring her. Youll shrug and say, “I'm not 
ignoring you.” Then youll write down your 
number and go back to work. She's playing 
you, and you won't be played. Drives ‘em 
crazy. 


I just graduated from college and 
haven't found a job, but I'd still like to 
put together a stereo system. I figure ГЇЇ 
buy one quality component and settle 


49 


РА ЕВ ОУ 


for inexpensive stuff elsewhere. As I ob- 
tain the money, I'll assemble my dream 
team. What component should I start 
with? I listen mostly to compact discs 
and thought a quality player would be a 
smart bet.—PR., Atlanta, Georgia 

You're right. The closer it is to the source, 
the more influential the component. Some 
audiophiles argue thal the speakers are the 
core of a system, but that's like saying you 
should buy a mediocre computer and a fan- 
tastic monitor because that's what you look 
at. Others say the amp is the hey. But an am- 
plifier can handle only what it’s fed. If even 
the best amp receives garbage from the CD 
player, or if data are missing, it will only am- 
plify the errors. When shopping for a high- 
end CD player, chech out offerings from 
manufacturers such as Marantz, Rega, 
Naim or California Audio Labs. 


М girlfriend and 1 are considering а 
cruise, but we don’t want to spend our 
vacation with food poisoning. Are ships 
rated for sanitation?—R.Y., Tampa, Florida 

Every cruise ship that docks їп а U.S. port 
is subject to surprise semiannual inspections 
by the Centers for Disease Control and Pre- 
vention. The agency checks the drinking wa- 
ter, food preparation and storage, potential 
for contamination and cleanliness. The re- 
port we requested included ratings of more 
than 100 international passenger ships— 
only a few scored less than satisfactory. One 
(“The Galaxy”) earned a perfect score. To 
find how your ship rates, write the Vessel 
Sanitation Program, 1015 North America 
Way, Room 107, Miami, Florida 33132, or 
point your Web browser to ftp://fip.cdc.gov/ 
pub/ship_inspections. 


Г... а 25-year-old with a foot fetish. My 
girlfriend has the most beautiful feet 1 
have ever seen. She is understanding of 
my fetish and allows me to have sex with 
her feet. For some reason, hot-pink pol- 
ish on her toenails drives me nuts. I also 
love to see wrinkles in her soles, especial- 
ly when she’s sitting in a chair and curls 
her toes on the ground. It seems to me 
that there are an enormous number of 
men who have foot fetishes and are just 
afraid to admit it My girlfriend once 
met a fellow who begged to rub her feet. 
Another guy commented on her painted 
toenails, and even had the guts to say, 
“Tl bet he does your feet,” referring to 
me. Does the Advisor hear from many 
foot fetishists?—K T., Fort Worth, Texas 
Sure. Foot fetishes are common, in vary- 
ing degrees. What man can’t remember his 
first foot job? At the other extreme, we receive 
а fair number of letters from readers who 
can't fathom why we don't publish close-ups 
of the Playmates’ feet. That's not to say we 
can't appreciate the graceful lines, suchable 
toes and delicate balance of a woman's clop- 
pers. We've even heard image consultants 
complain that open-toed shoes reveal too 
much “cleavage” for the office. Some theo- 


SO rize that men fixate on women's feet because 


they're harder to reach than the genitals. Feet 
are also less demanding sexually—you don't 
have to arouse her toes—which may appeal 
to men with performance anxieties. We've al- 
ways felt that felishes are more fun when you 
have a few to choose from. If you are focused 
on feet to the exclusion of every other aspect 
of a woman, or can't have an orgasm unless 
feet are involved, your sex life isn't as rich as 
it could be. 


Ive heard that deep-throating a guy 
can increase your risk of getting AIDS. Is 
that true?—P E, Cleveland, Ohio 

Yes, if you're blowing someone who is HIV 
positive and isn’t wearing a condom. The 
cells that researchers believe HIV infects, 
known as CD4+ Langerhanses, are not 
near the surface of the tissues that line the 
mouth. But farther down in the throat, near 
the tonsils or adenoid glands, these cells are 
abundant and accessible. In general, gen- 
tle oral sex is a low-risk way to transmit the 
virus. Deep-throating increases the risk. The 
bottom line is that you shouldn't have unpro- 
tected oral sex or intercourse with anyone 
whose HIV status you aren't certain about. 


The other night my girlfriend knocked 
оп my door and told me that my dreams 
were about to come true. She had per- 
suaded her best friend to have a three- 
way. Since it was also my girlfriend's fan- 
tasy to have sex with a woman, her 
friend performed on us both. After it was 
over. everyone agreed that we'd do it 
again from time to time. My question is, 
how do I tell my girlfriend and her 
friend how much I appreciated their ful- 
filling my fantasy?—H.E., Hammond, 
Indiana 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” 
should suffice. Say it on your knees. 


Would you settle an argument? I say 
you should leave at least ten percent of 
the cost of the round each time you visit 
the bar. My friend doesn’t see a need to 
tip, since you're retrieving your own 
drinks. Or, you're in a crowded night- 
spot and the waitress never finds you. 
After you run to the bar, you wait forev- 
er to be served. Of course the staff is 
working hard, but the service is still 
poor, so you don't tip. My friend also 
says that if he is sitting at the same ta- 
ble all evening, he tips on every other 
round, but that sometimes the waitress 
gets snooty until she figures it out. What 
are a drinker's tipping guidelines?— ].V., 
Dayton, Ohio 

Be generous but not showy. To that end, 
leave silver for a single drink, a buck or two 
for drinks you can carry alone and 20 per- 
cent on the first of larger rounds. Tip ten 
percent to 15 percent on subsequent trips. If 
a nightspot is crowded, that’s all the more 
reason to lip well: The bartender and wait 
staff will remember yours in the line of faces. 
Tipping every other round isn’t wise—you 
should give the waitperson at least a buck 


each time, and more if the place is hopping. 
Regardless of where you are, keep in mind 
thal anyone who sacrifices their feet and 
calves so you can have a good time earns 
their keep. 


About four months ago I broke up 
with my girlfriend to see if she was “the 
one.” I messed around with two other 
girls and didn’t feel the same way 1 did 
toward my ex. So I told her I wanted to 
get back together. I have even thought 
about marrying her after we finish 
school. She told me she was sceing some- 
one and had begun a “soul scarch” to 
figure out if we should be together. Now 
I can't sleep or eat because I'm always 
thinking about her. Should I move on 
or wait for her to make up her mind? 
Everyone tells me she is leading me on to 
find out if I'm serious about continuing 
our relationship. 1 am confused and de- 
pressed. What should I do?—P.P, New 
Orleans, Louisiana 

When we can't have something, we desire 
il even more. Al some point you doubted this 
relationship and left it, which gave you a 
sense of power. You were no longer attached 
to one woman. Bring them on! In some ways, 
as you discovered, that prospect can be as 
frightening as commitment. Now you're be- 
ing told, in turn, that you may not be “the 
one,” and il hurts. But don't get caught in 
the lie of romantic destiny. There isn’t one 
person out there waiting for you under a 
star. Your ex may have been the one for this 
period in your life, and perhaps that period 
is over. While she’s deciding whether she 
wants to continue the relationship, distance 
yourself and decide what you want, Don't 
use your obsession with her as a guide; it’s a 
normal reaction to being turned out. Your ex 
may decide the relationship is over. If she 
does, don't feel you made a mistake by leav- 
ing. You eventually would have ended ир in. 
the same place—apart—and look at the time 
you saved! These are the sometimes painful 
lessons of youth, but in exchange, you get to 
be young. And if а woman doesn’t want to be 
with you, then she's obviously not the one for 
the moment or for a lifetime. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, pLAvBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad- 
visorGiplayboy.com (because of volume, we 
cannot respond to all e-mail inquiries). Look 
for responses to our most frequently asked 
questions at www.playboy.com/faq, and 
check out the Advisor's latest collection of sex 
tricks, "365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life" 
(Plume), available in bookstores or by phon- 
ing 800-423-9494. 


WORTH WAKING UP NEXT ТО 


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In a world of fleeting diversions, 
there's always Bass Ale. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


ike our military defend- 

ers, our moral defend- 

ers must constantly find 

new threats to protect 
us from in order to remain in 
business. Sometimes the threat 
has actually been around for 
almost 20 years, methodically 
(albeit imperceptibly) unravel- 
ing America's moral fiber while 
evading the radar of the armies 
of decency. 

This is the case with a group called 
Oklahomans for Children and Fami- 
lies (formerly Oklahomans Against 
Pornography), founded in 1984 and 
now led by former Air Force fighter 
pilot Bob Anderson. 

For some years, Bob, God and 
OCAF had contented themselves with 
lobbying city officials nationwide to 
prosecute people who posted adult 
content on the Internet. What gives 
Anderson the right? As he explains, 
“Me and the Lord make a majority.” 
Since the U.S. Supreme Court struck 
down the federal Communications 
Decency Act, the wholesomeness-or- 
else crowd has fallen back on individ 
ual states’ harmful-to-minors 
laws (which are, ironically, most 
common in states whose law- 
makers often qualify as harmful 
to minors). OCAF hounded 
state legislators to pass tougher 
antipornography laws and local 
district attorneys to enforce 
them. By its own account, 
OCAF has “helped close over 
150 sexually oriented business- 
es in Oklahoma County.” It also 
persuaded the president of the 
University of Oklahoma to re- 
move sexually explicit Internet 
materials from the school’s 
computer system, in blithe in- 
difference to student and facul- 
ty First Amendment rights. 

But that's all prelude. In 
June, Anderson was listening to a 
Christian radio talk show when he 
heard its host denounce The Tin 
Drum, the movie adaptation of Gún- 
ter Grass’ allegorical novel, which 
won the 1979 Oscar as Best For- 
eign Film. The host “said it could 
be judged pornographic,” said An- 
derson, “and that's all I needed to 
hear.” (When it comes to knee-jerk 
reactie liberals have nothing on 
the vigilantes of virtue.) Anderson 
checked the film out of the local li- 
brary, then demanded it be removed 


an oscar-worthy performance 
from the religious right 


By ROBERT S. WIEDER 


from the collection. The library board 
refused. 

Within 24 hours, OCAF had hand- 
ed the library video over to police, 
who took it to a district judge. The 
judge ruled that The Тїп Drum violat- 
ed state obscenity laws, and plain- 
clothes cops began confiscating 
copies—without the nicety of search 
warrants—in raids on six Oklahoma 
City video outlets and the homes of 
two rental customers. 

In one stroke, Anderson engi- 
neered the violation of two of the 
Constitution's first ten amendments, 
which may be a record for a private 
citizen. Best of all, one of the two 
homes raided was that of Michael 


Camfield, an official with the Ameri- 
can Civil Liberties Union. This is like 
making threatening calls to a CIA. 
field agent. Lawsuits proliferated like 
snails after a rain. 

Camfield had rented the film after 
hearing about OCAF's vendetta. 
What he saw was the story of a boy 
driven to fantasy in order to escape 
the horrors of Nazi Germany—one of 
which horrors, incidentally, was the 
invasion of homes by police to seize 
prohibited goods. The particular 
scene that incurred OCAF's wrath 


depicts the boy performing oral 
sex on a teenage girl. Mind 
you, it's more suggested than 
clearly shown—there are no 
genitalia visible—but the 
Lord's door Kickers know smut 
when they see it, and even 
when they don't. 

What they don't know is the 
Constitution, even when they 
are violating it. Oklahoma may 

outlaw as "obscene" any portray- 
al of a person under 18 having sex, 
but the Supreme Court says that if 
material can be judged to have artistic. 
merit, it's not obscene. The Tin Drum 
has so much artistic merit you can 
barely sit through it. It's dreary, dis- 
mal, long and about as sexually titil- 
lating asa war crimes trial. You would 
deserve your money back if you rent- 
ed it expecting porn. This movie does 
for cunnilingus what Psycho did for 
naked women in showers. 

OCAF and the Oklahoma City po- 
lice also flouted the 1988 Video Priva- 
су Protection Act, a federal law that 
bars anyone from giving out or re- 
ceiving individuals’ video-rental rec- 
ords without their permission 
ora court order. But the laws of 
man, when they don't suit. 
Bob's needs, are secular trifles. 
Bob says he and the Lord make 
the rules. 

It’s not enough for the righ- 
teous to control what come: 
to their own domiciles, they al- 
so must know what goes on next 
door. OCAF's ugly secret is that 
the children and families in 
Oklahomans for Children and 
Families aren't theirs but yours, 
and while you may claim to 
have your kids’ best interests at 
heart, Bob Anderson suspects 
otherwise and knows better. 

Fortunately, Bob and the 
Lord dor't make law, or public 
policy, or any significant difference 
when it comes to the Internet, the 
video industry or human behavior. If 
the latest escapade of Anderson and 
his hallowed imaginary friend had 
any impact, it was unintended: The 
local library, which before the clamor 
had loaned out The Tin Drum maybe 
eight times in 12 years, had a ten-per- 
son waiting list after the story broke. 

Our theory is that if the Lord were 
actually anywhere in Bob Anderson's 
vicinity, he would take the opportuni- 
ty to knock some sense into the man. 


oliticians in Washington are de- 

manding a new crackdown 

on—and harsher penalties 

for—cocaine users, among oth- 

er narcotics violators. Yet be- 

fore the nation embarks on 
drug war number 327, we should stop 
and examine what our political ruling 
class has already achieved. The files of 
the November Coalition, Families 
Against Mandatory Minimums and 
various media accounts are filled with 
horror stories. It is worthwhile to com- 
pare sentences that are given to drug 
offenders with those received by mur- 
derers, rapists, child molesters, armed 
robbers and other victims of difficult. 
childhoods. 

Jose Tapia, along with a friend, car- 
ried out "the largest mass murder in 
Rhode Island history," according to 
Providence prosecutors in 1996. Tapia 
and his buddy intentionally set fire to 
the home of a family of Guatemalan 
immigrants. Six people (including four 
children) died in the flames. ( !ypically, 
the criminals were both evil and stu- 
pid: Tapia and his friend were trying to 
torch someone else's home but got con- 
fused.) Tapia received a sentence that 
will make him eligible for parole in 21 
years. By contrast, Kyle Lindquist, a 
36-year-old excavating contractor and 
father of three, was busted in 1992 on 
conspiracy charges of intent to possess 
and distribute 1000 kilos or more of 
marijuana. Lindquist got a sentence of 
23 years with no possibility of parole. 
Apparently, conspiring to hustle some 
weed is worse than burning down a 
house full of children. 

Rodney Kelley murdered two broth- 
ers in 199] near a New Orleans free- 
way overpass, shooting cach in the 
head and robbing the corpses. The po- 
lice caught Kelley but then prosecutors 
allowed him to plead guilty to man- 
slaughter, which meant an eight-year 
sentence—and eligibility for parole af- 
ter only four years. By contrast, Will 
Foster, a 38-year-old software pro- 
grammer and father of three, grew 
marijuana in his basement to treat his 
severe rheumatoid arthritis. Based on 
a bogus tip from a supposed “confiden- 
tial informant” that Foster was selling 
methamphetamine, police raided his 
home. While no methamphetamine 
was found, police did find about 70 
marijuana plants, many of which were 


TIME OUT FOR JUSTICE 


why talking about drugs 
is worse than murder 


By JAMES BOVARD 


seedlings. Because Foster was a first- 
time offender, the judge let him off 
with a 93-ycar sentence. 

William Edward Neusteter used a 
handgun to rob a 7-Eleven and several 
ofits customers in Denver in 1995. Dis- 
trict judge R. Michael Mullins sen- 
tenced Neusteter, the son of a promi- 
nent local businessman, to five years" 
probation. Similarly, a Los Angeles 
County sheriff's deputy who went ber- 
serk and began shooting at kids who 
were spray-painting graffiti, and who 
engaged in a high-speed chase and 
then lied about the circumstances, was 
convicted of "assault with a firearm, 
gross negligent discharge of a firearm, 
shooting from a vehicle and filing a 
false report.” Sheriff's Deputy Bobby 


Ohe ISITE 


Rodriguez could have faced 14 years in 
prison, but he received five years’ pro- 
bation. By contrast, Amy Marie Kacsor 
and many other luckless individuals 
have had five years added to their fed- 
eral prison sentences merely because 
firearms were found in their homes by 
police searching for illicit substances. 
Kacsor, a 26-year-old Michigan resi- 
dent, was busted for growing marijua- 
na in her basement. The police 
searched her house and found two reg- 
istered handguns owned by her moth- 
єт, as well as two hunting rifles owned 
by Kacsor's boyfriend. Federal judge 
Stewart Newblatt denounced the addi- 
tional sentencing as vicious. 

In July 1995 Anthony Brown and his 
brother beat and raped a woman in At- 
lanta within days of Anthony's release 
from prison on armed robbery charg- 
es, Brown pleaded guilty to rape and 
received a one-year prison sentence. 


Under the state mandatory sentencing 
law, he should have received life in 
prison as a repeat violent offender, but 
prosecutors decided to be nice. His 
brother, who also pleaded guilty, was 
required to submit to five years of “in- 
tensive” probation. By contrast, Todd 
Davidson, a 27-year-old Deadhead, 
was originally sentenced to 20 years in 
prison for conspiracy to possess LSD 
with intent to distribute. A friend with 
whom he shared a motel room sold 
some acid to federal agents. Davidson 
was caught in the same net, and he was 
found guilty partly on the basis of a re- 
mark made prior to the sale. 

Daniel Green received a six-year sen- 
tence after using an ax to smash the 
skull of a 17-year-old boy and almost 
killing him (the victim was in a coma 
for three months and suffered perma- 
nent brain damage). North Carolina 
prison officials were beneficent and set 
Green free after he had served just a 
third of his sentence. Two months after 
he was paroled, Green and Larry Dem- 
ery murdered Michael Jordan's father, 
James, and stole his Lexus. By con- 
trast, Christopher Sia was initially sen- 
tenced to 24 years in federal prison af- 
ter he was set up by an undercover 
federal agent. Sia's sentence was deter- 
mined by a peculiar guideline that 
bases LSD penalties on the weight of 
the drug and its “carrier medium"—in 
this case blotter paper and a liquid sol- 
vent. Despite a modification in the sen- 
tencing guidelines, LSD offenders con- 
tinue to receive disproportionately 
severe sentences. 

Edwin “Fast Eddie” McBirney re- 
ceived a five-year sentence for fraudu- 
lent practices (such as using federally 
insured deposits to pay for sex parties) 
that wrecked his Texas savings and 
loan and cost U.S. taxpayers an esti- 
mated $70 million. McBirney served 
slightly more than half of his sentence. 
By contrast, Kelly Hackett, a 29-year- 
old Ohio resident, got a five-year sen- 
tence after a “friend” (who turned out 
to be a government informant) brought 
an undercover agent to her house. 
They wanted to buy some crack. Hack- 
ett called an acquaintance, who sold 
them 5.4 grams of crack. Four months 
later, Hackett was arrested. Thousands 
of Americans are serving five years in 
federal prison (with no parole) after 
being apprehended in possession of 


less than two pennies’ weight of crack— 
a mere five grams. Thanks to propa- 
gandists of the drug war, crack holds a 
special place on the political demonolo- 
gy honor roll of the late 20th century. 
First offenders who have never even 
been caught jaywalking automatically 
receive five years in prison, thereby 
making reelection campaigns safe for 
incumbent congressmen. 

Elmer Tate of Warwick, Rhode Is- 

land admitted guilt in three separate 
child-molestation cases, in 1992, 1994 
and 1996. Yet each time, local judges 
awarded him a suspended sentence. 
‘Apparently, the molesting of children 
may or may not deserve punishment, 
depending on the whims of 
judges and prosecutors. By 
contrast, the mere hearing 
of certain words is a hanging 
offense. Loren Pogue, a 
middle-aged real estate 
agent, got snared in 1990 
because he agreed to help a 
friend sell a plot of Costa Ri- 
can land. Because the buy- 
ers—undercover agents— 
mentioned that they 
intended to use the moun- 
tainside as a landing strip for 
Colombian cocaine flights, 
Pogue was convicted of con- 
spiracy to import, possess 
and distribute cocaine. Re- 
gardless of the absurdity of 
the scheme, the fact that 
the word cocaine was men- 
tioned at the closing of the 
real estate deal earned 
Pogue 27 years. 

The Reverend Richard 
Rossi Jr., pastor of the First 
Love Church in Pittsburgh, 
was charged with attempted 
murder after his wife identi- 
fied him as the attacker who 
beat her nearly to death 
while they were house-hunt- 
ing in a Pittsburgh suburb. 

In 1995 Rossi was permitted 
to plead no contest to sec- 
ond-degree aggravated as- 
sault and served 96 days in 
jail. Upon his release he an- 
nounced he was writing two 
screenplays. By contrast, Donald 
Clark, a farmer in Manatce County, 
Florida, was caught with 900 marij 
na plants by state officials in the mid- 
Eighties. After serving time in a Florida 
state prison, he assumed his debt to so- 
ciety was paid. But in 1988 federal 
prosecutors decided to pursue conspir- 
acy charges against Clark. As the St. Pe- 
tersburg Times noted, “Since he was 
charged under federal racketeering 


laws, he was considered responsible for 
every seedling ever grown in Manatee 
County during the Eighties. That 
added up to a million plants.” He re- 
ceived life without the chance of 
parole. 


The average murderer serves eight 
years in prison. According to Julie 
Stewart of Families Against Mandatory 
Minimums, many people have been 
sentenced to ten years or longer mere- 
ly for "conspiracy" via indiscreet dis- 
cussions with federal informants—“dry 
cases,” in which no illicit drugs are 
rectly linked to the defendant. With 


our current moral-judicial system, talk- 
ing about drugs disapproved of by 
politicians is a worse crime than killing 
citizens. In one five-year period begin- 
ning in 1986 the average prison sen- 
tence for drug offenses nearly tripled 
(from 27 months to 78 months). The 
number of people in federal and state 
prisons on drug charges has increased 
tenfold since 1980; since 1987, drug 
defendants have accounted for nearly 


three quarters of all new federal 
prisoners, 

Under federal sentencing guide- 
lines, a person is entitled to the same 
five-year prison ticket for possession of 
five grams of crack that he would re- 
ceive for embezzling between $10 mil- 
lion and $20 million from a bank—or 
for using a threat of violence to extort 
between $2.5 million and $5 million 
from someone, or for kidnapping 
someone and seriously injuring the vic- 
tim. Obviously, crack is terrible stuff. 

Politicians seek to portray drug users 
and dealers as incurably heinous, yet 
they ignore the fact that three quarters 
of people sentenced to state prisons on 

drug charges have no history 
of criminal violence. Last 
year, the number of people 
sentenced to prison for drug 
crimes significantly exceeded 
the number of people sen- 
tenced for violent crimes. At 
a time when most big cities 
have a record number of un- 
solved murders on the books, 
more than 19,000 state and 
local law enforcement offi- 
cials are assigned to the drug 
war on a full-time basis. 
Florida State University 
economists Bruce Benson 
and David Rasmussen looked 
at the situation and conclud- 
ed that cracking down on ` 
drugs unintentionally fosters 
theft, burglary and other 
property crimes because law 
enforcement resources are 
diverted. Their study notes 
that between 1982 and 1987, 
when Florida police focused 
on drug-law enforcement, 
drug arrests rose 90 percent, 
while total arrests rose only 
32 percent. Property crimes 
escalated, with robbery rates 
rising 34 percent and auto 
thefts by 65 percent, As more 
resources are allocated to 
fight drug crime, the chance 
of arrest for property crime 
falls. 
Politicians receive billions 
of dollars from citizens each 
year to fund the criminal justice system 
and provide police protection. But 
more than 5 million Americans were 
victims of violent crime last year. The 
only explanation for lawmakers’ obses- 
sion with penalizing drug offenders 
while neglecting public safety is that 
they are far more anxious to control us 
than to protect us. As always, the lesson 
of political history is the same: Save us 
from our saviors. 


56 


PUBLIC OFFERINGS 
Sam Jemielity's “Whipping It 
Out” (The Playboy Forum, Sep- 
tember) strikes a familiar 
chord. I subscribe to PLAYBOY 
and have never thought twice 
about reading my copy in pub- 
lic. Of course, this has engaged 
me in some interesting conver- 
sation. I'm heterosexual, but if 
the guy sitting next to me on 
the flight from Phoenix to 
Chicago wants to imagine dif- 
ferently, so be it. I also look at 
the pictorials (and have even 
been honored with posing for 
PLAYBOY'S newsstand specials). 
As I politely pointed out to the 
middle-aged born-again wom- 
an seated next to me on anoth- 
er flight, there actually are ar- 
ticles to read. Is the public 
surprised that I read PLAYBOY? 
Sure. But all it takes is a quick 
thumbing through to see that 
PLAYBOY is much more than 
naked women. But you already 
knew that. 
Holly Allders 
‘Tucson, Arizona 


I have read PLAYBOY in the 
park and at work in the break 
room. I have also read it in 
school. I don’t carry it around 
positioned so that everyone can 
see the cover because I don’t 
want to infringe on others’ | 
rights. There are reasons 
PLAYBOY is mailed in a black 
plastic wrapper: to keep it in 
good condition as it goes 
through the postal system and to not 
offend those who object to it. Unlike 
Jemielity, I guess I'm a little too shy to 
whip it out in a mall or restaurant. 
Ninety percent of the time 1 read it 
at home. 


Jai Jeffers 
Maryville, Tennessee 


I thoroughly enjoyed reading 
“Whipping It Out." As a woman, not 
only can I not read pLaysoy in public, 
but 1 have to hide it in my own apart- 
ment when I have male guests over. 
I've been accused of being a lesbian be- 
cause I have subscribed to your maga- 
zinc for years. I’ve had two boyfriends 
who could not understand why I 
would read рглүвоу when they had no 
interest in reading it themselves. Or so 


“One evening at a hotel in New York I flipped 
around the television channels. Suddenly there 
on the public access channel was a voluptuous 

| young woman. naked. her body oiled. writhing 
on the floor while fondling herself intimately. 
‘Meanwhile, a man's voice and a print on the 
screen informed the viewer of the telephone 
number and limousine service that would ac- 
quaint him with young women of similar charms 
and proclivities. 1 watched for some time—rivet- 
ed by the sociological significance of it all.” 

—EXCERPT FROM THE BOOK Slouching Towards 

Gomorrah, BY ROBERT BORK, ONETIME NOMINEE 

FOR SUPREME COURT JUSTICE WHOSE CANDIDACY, 

DERAILED BY THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE, 

PROMPTED USE OF A NEW VERD ON CAPITOL HILL 


they told me. It is frustrating nct to be 
able to take the magazine out in public. 
I don't find the pictorials disturbing. 
Every woman featured considers it ап 
honor. Many times I've started an arti- 
cle or fiction piece in the morning with 
breakfast and wanted to finish reading 


it on the train to work, but because 
that's taboo, I have to wait until I get 
home 13 hours later. I suggest you doa 
survey to find out what sort of woman 
reads rLaypoy. At the top of the list 
would be one who enjoys being a 
woman and appreciates good writing. 
Marsha Brandsdorfer 
San Mateo, California 


It seems PLAYBOY is still something 
you keep to yourself. I like to read it, 
but it can be uncomfortable to browse 


through it in public. In a book- 
store, you get how-can-you- 
look-at-that-filth? looks from 
older folks and you-have-balls- 
for-reading-that-here looks from 
younger ones. Buying it is hard 
too. I took out a subscription to 
get around that, but when 1 
want a special newsstand issue I 
have no choice. Usually the la- 
dy behind the counter has an I- 
know-yow're-going-home-to- 
play-with-yourself smirk on her 
face. Even though РГАҮВОҮ has 
come a long way and is more 
accepted than either Pe 
or Hustler, it still has thai 
magazine” cloud hanging over- 
head. Regardless, глуво will 
continue to be my choice for 
entertainment. 

Eric Patrick 
Syracuse, New York 


I would never whip out a 
PLAYBOY on a bus, in the subway 
or in a doctor's waiting room. 
Why? Because it carries the 
stigma of being dirty. Strangely, 
the barbershop is immune to 
this unwritten ban. You can 
read a PLAYBOY ata barbershop, 
but not at a hair salon. 

Alacrity Fitzhugh 
“Toronto, Ontario 


When 1 was negotiating the 
lease on my bookstore, I no- 
ticed a clause that forbade the 
selling of pornography. I asked 
if this included rrAvBov and 
was told that PLAYBOY wasn't 
pornography. Then again, this is New 
York City. And yes, your magazine does 
get shoplifted. 


Alan Zimmerman 
New York, New York 


Lam a heterosexual mother and wife 
who enjoys your magazine. The last 
time I checked, the Constitution still 
stated that we have certain inalienable 
rights. Anyone of legal age has the 
right to read anything, regardless of 
his or her surroundings. No one thinks 
twice when a man reads GQ on a bus, 
where someone might notice the 
Calvin Klein underwear ad on the back 
cover. No onc questions the cover line 
оп Cosmopolitan that reads "Ten Ways to 
Reach Orgasm.” 1 plan to put my next 
issue of PLAYBOY in my briefcase so I 


КОШЕ С 


сап catch ир оп my reading during the 
bus ride to work. 
Lynda Cramer 
Plano, Texas 


I'm not ashamed to read your maga- 
zine in public, but I don't—for the 
same reason 1 don't read National Geo- 
graphic in public. Both magazines are 
too large to fit into my pocket, and 
since 1 don't want them worn, dirtied, 
lost, ripped or ripped off, I leave them 
at home. Neither magazine is hidden, 
and they cause no problems—except 
when my teenage grandson visits. He 
must be interested in geography be- 
cause he spends a lot of timc in the 
room where they're displayed. 

Richard McCleary 
Phoenix, Arizona 


The old cliché “I read it for the arti- 
cles” is laughed off by those who have 
never partaken, but FLAYBOY's editorial 
content is some of the best in print. 1 
would trade any amount of embarrass- 
ment for the simple joy of being 
informed. 

Mitch Shatto 
Fairview Heights, Illinois 


JUNK OR BUNK 
"The authors of “Junk Science" (The 
Playboy Forum, September) challenge 
the purported connection between 
prayer and lower crime rates by asking 
if crime among Catholics educated in 
parochial schools has increased over 
the past decade. Even if crime has risen 
among Catholics, that fact does not dis- 
prove the lack of a connection. What 
one would have to examine is whether 
the crime rate among Catholics rose 
slower than the crime rate of non- 
Catholic groups. Since crime overall 
has skyrocketed, we should assume 
Catholics also commit more crimes. 
But if that rate of increase is less than 
the rate for other groups, a simple pos- 
itive correlation between prayer and 
less crime could be established. While 1 
concur that the "science" of Pat Robert- 
son is lacking, the idea that prayer al- 
ters one's behavior is not so far-fetched 
and deserves to be researched. Thanks 
for the idea. 
Douglas Modde 
Jowa City, Iowa 


The authors of “Junk Science” seem 
to think that the religious right forces 
kids to pray in school. What about al- 


PATO SEN 


lowing kids to at least have a choice? T 
don't believe anyone should be forced 
to accept values of any kind. In a coun- 
try that prides itself on freedom, all 
controversial topics should be present- 
ed in an equal light from both sides. 
I agree that the crime rate is not nec- 
essarily connected to school prayer, 
but so what? The issue should not be 
prayer but freedom and choice. 

Scott Klein 

Costa Mesa, California 


Wendy Kaminer and James R. Pe- 
tersen suggest in "Junk Science" that 
religious faith is the engine of pseudo- 
science. In their zeal to degrade certain 
religious leaders, they have insulted 
the intelligence of everyone with basic 
skills in reasoning and judgment. The 
rise of crime in the Sixties compared 
with the abolishment of state-spon- 
sored prayer is not, as Kaminer and 
tersen put it, an example of coinci- 
dence versus causation. Rather, it's an 
example of association versus causa- 
tion. Unrelated events often can occur 
sequentially. In order to deem circum- 


SOME 


stances coincidence, as opposed toa re- 
sult of association, there must be no 
logical connections. I would confident- 
ly venture to say that religious teach- 
ings of nonviolence, as well as teach- 
ings of logical thought, are directly 
associated with lower violent crime 
Statistics. 

Seeking the answers to a society's 
problems is a unique and admirable 
trait of humans. The fact that the ma- 
jority of us are ordinary people, and 
not scientists, leads me to believe that 
most of us resort to solving problems 
through association. We often have no 
choice but to examine the circum- 
stances in reverse—from the problem 
itself down to the causes. The insinua- 
tion that religious faith drives the pseu- 
doscience that common folks use to at- 
tach causes to problems is an invalid 
assumption. An individual's religious 
beliefs, or lack thereof, do not neces- 
sarily dictate one’s ability to compre- 
hend compelling evidence. 

Finally, the original intent behind 
the “separation of church and state” 
was to prevent the establishment of 


THE FAB FIVE 


In a survey commissioned by 
the Freedom Forum's Newseum 
earlier this year, 29 percent of 
Americans couldn't name any of 
the five rights protected by the 
First Amendment. Most of those 
surveyed could cite freedom 
of speech (64 per- 
cent). But few 
people could re- 
member that they 
are able to read 
unrestricted litera- 
ture thanks to the 
right to a free 
press (15 percent) orto at- 
tend the church of their 
choosing—or none at 
all—because of free- 
dom of religion (16 
percent). A few (11 
percent) recalled the 
right to assembly. And 
what is that last one? 

Right of petition. No 
one got that. Sorry, 


James Madison. In a separate sur- 
vey by the Chicago Tribune, about 
25 percent of Americans didn't 
want people in favor of or opposed 
to abortion marching down their 
streets. About half didn't want 
Nazis, skinheads or militia 
groups demonstrating 
in their communities. 
More than half 
wanted to gag 
Howard Stern, 
contending that 
sexual expres- 
sions shouldn't 
be allowed on the 
air. Almost half the 
Survey group wanted 
restrictions on the Inter- 
net. Twenty-seven percent 
thought the First Amendment 
goes too far in gueranteeing 
rights. Don't you have to 
know your rights before you 

can object to them? 
— NATALIE BORTOLI 


57 


58 


state- or government-run churches 
such as the Church of England or 
the Church of New York. It's beyond 
logic how this ever became related to 
the Supreme Court's abolishment of 
prayer in schools, or to the numerous 
infringement claims by the ACLU for 
the sake of removing religious sym- 
bols from state property. 

Michael Sweeney 

Oklahoma State University 

Stillwater, Oklahoma 


SMOKE SIGNALS 

Editor's note: The legalization of mari- 
juana is an issue that provokes heated re- 
sponses from both sides of the debate. Our 
most recent article on the subject (“Smoke 
Screen,” “The Playboy Forum,” June) and 
the resulting mail (“Puff and Stuff,” 
“Reader Response,” September) persuaded 
us to pick up where we left off. 

The Journal of the American Medical 
Association recently reported that peo- 
ple who do not use illegal drugs but 
live in households where such drugs 
are used are 11 times more likely to 
be killed than those living in drug- 


free homes. The study suggests that 
the link between violence and drug 
use may result from “drug-secking 
activitics, such as interaction with 
drug dealers and theft to obtain rc- 
sources for drug purchase.” 

"The link between violence and il- 


legal drug use can be summed up 
in one word: prohibition. The true 
cause of drug-related violence is the 
necessity of dealing with a criminal 
element to obtain a supply. Nearly 
every scientific study on the subject 
has shown that prohibiting a sub- 
stance is far more harmful than using 
that substance. Let's take a good look 
at our current drug policies and see 
how they affect drug users and those 
wholive with them. We'll find it's time 
for a change that will end the vio- 
lence. That change will be an end to 
prohibition. 

Mark Greer 

Media Awareness Project, Inc. 

Porterville, California 


Dr. Eric Voth makes many asser- 
tions against the use of marijuana for 
medical purposes. However, Dr. Voth 
(who I assume is a medical profes- 
sional relying on medical research) 
fails to cite a single scientific study to 
support his stance on the drug's ef- 
fects or side effects. Voth asserts that 
pot, like tobacco, is addictive. His 
proof? "Ask chronic users of marijua- 
na to cite the longest time they have 
bcen off the drug, and the answer is 
usually only days or wecks out of 
years of usc." I have scen numerous 
chronic users stop smoking pot for 
long periods (over a month at a timc) 


FORUM F.Y.! 


in order to pass a privacy-invading 
drug test. George Carlin has admitted 
to taking the occasional hit, but says 
he can put the drug away for months 
at a time. In his words: “Pot will leave 
you alone like that; most drugs 
won't.” Carlin, with his well-publi- 
cized past use, is more experienced in 
the varying effects of different illicit 
drugs than Voth or anyone else who 
has studied, but never used, them. 
Voth has obviously bought into the 
government propaganda when, in 
fact, he would do better to look open- 
mindedly at the facts that exist and at- 
tempt to gather information where 
none exists. He suggests reformulat- 
ing the prescription drug Marinol in- 
to a suppository. This is particularly 
fitting, since those who want to sup- 
press the use of marijuana as medi- 
cine have been blowing smoke up our 
asses for years. 
Derek Taylor 
Crested Butte, Colorado 


We would like to hear your point of 
view, Send questions, opinions and quirky 
stuff to: The Playboy Forum Reader Re- 
sponse, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore 
Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please 
include а daytime phone number. Fax 
number: 212-951-2939. E-mail. 
forum@playboy.com (please include your 
city and state). 


To mark the 60th anniversary of the Marijuana Tax Act of 1937, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws drafted a 
report on the state of prohibition. NORML asserts that, with the arrest of a marijuana smoker every 54 seconds, the Clinton adr 
tration's war on drugs is more intense than that of any other presidency. Here's how previous commanders in chief measured ul 


Arrests 


U MARIJUANA ARRESTS 


COVENANT MARRIAGE 


When Gina and 1 were married 
this past summer, we wrote our own 
vows. In them we promised our love 
and encouragement, our honesty and 
trust, our respect and good humor. 
These seemed to us the elements that 
make for a strong, rich union. 

The state of Louisiana thinks oth- 
erwise. Shortly before my wedding 
(in New York, thankfully), the Louisi- 
ana legislature passed a law delincat- 
ing what it believes to be the founda- 
tion for an ideal marriage. In that 
state from now on, my marriage— 
and yours and that of every other 
hitched person you know—will be 
considered an ordinary, grade-B mat- 
rimony, regardless of our tear-jerking 
vows. The Real Thing—the super- 
premium luxury model—is some- 
thing called a covenant marriage, 

a new type of nuptials that couples 
may choose when tying the knot. 

What makes a covenant mar- 
riage so special? Do participants 
promise to love, honor and cher- 
ish more than the rest of us 
slobs? Of course not. A cov- 
enant marriage is defined 
not by what goes into it but 
by how difficult it is to get out 
of. Couples choosing the cov- 
enant option give up their 
right to an immediate di- 
vorce, entering into a contract 
that can be terminated only with 
proof of certain traditional infrac- 
tions: adultery, abandonment, im- 
prisonment or physical abuse. 

The law, in other words, is the lat- 
est tactic in the religious rights effort 
to flip the calendar back to 1956—the 
good old days when divorce was far 
less prevalent and couples who hated 
cach other preferred to scream and 
brcak dishes every night for the sake 
ofthe children. While attempts to re- 
pcal no-fault divorce laws have been 
shot down in several states, the Lou- 
isiana approach was approved over- 
whelmingly, making it an instant 
model for future campaigns around 
the country. 

But nota model for my marriage. 1 
had too many questions about the 
details of this mew law, mainly the 
proclamation that a covenant mar- 
riage can be dissolved “only when 
there has been a complete and total 


Y 


tightening the ties that bind 
By DANIEL RADOSH 


breach of the marital covenant com- 
mitment.” I mean, who's to say that 
what the state considers a complete 
and total breach is inherently worse 
than any number of other offenses? 

I called the law's author, Louisiana 
state representative Tony Perkins. He 
explained that the law's definition of 
breach is based on “what was histori- 
cally the law back when there was 
weight to the marriage contract.” Рег- 
sonally, I don't feel that my marriage 
contract lacks weight, and I don’t sus- 
pect Perkins, married 11 years with 
the option of no-fault divorce, feels 
that way about his. Nevertheless, un- 
der Louisiana's new law, couples who 
are already married can upgrade to 
a covenant marriage at any time. 


Perkins and his wife plan to go 
through counseling and upgrade in 
February as part of Louisiana’s 
Covenant Marriage Week. No doubt 
this will soon be a must for politicians. 

1 told Perkins I could understand if 
covenant marriage had no option for 
divorce, but that as long as there are 
some escape clauses, it begged the 
question, why those and not others? 
For instance, physical or sexual abuse 
ofa spouse or child at one time wasn't 
considered grounds for divorce, but 
it is now, so Perkins isn't totally an- 
tiprogress. I wanted to present him 
with a hypothetical marital difficulty 
that would directly stimulate his fam- 
ily-values brain. What if, I asked, a 
husband announced that he was gay? 

"Um. Well. Again, there is no. 


4P49494P 449 49-4 4 
¿144679909009 
)$9699996900690994 


Pe v ө 


"Then he saw the loophole: “Obvious- 
ly if he is gay and engaging in the ho- 
mosexual lifestyle and engaged in sex 
with others, that would be adultery.” 

How about if the husband was go- 
ing to leather bars and dancing with 
men but not getting laid? “That is not 
a breach of contract,” Perkins admit- 
ted. “It would be as ifa husband went 
out dancing with other women.” 

I threw out a few more scenarios: a 
wife gets an abortion behind her hus- 
band’s back; a wife burns an Ameri- 
can flag; a wife burns an American 
flag in front of the children; a hus- 
band announces that the family must 
begin worshiping Satan. 

Suddenly, Perkins was displaying 
considerably less pride of authorship. 
“If they agreed to a contract that lim- 

its the grounds by which they can 
terminate the marriage,” he sput- 
tered, "that's between them. It has 
nothing to do with me or anyone 
else.” 

Clearly the solution is for cou- 
ples to hammer out their own 


covenants, so I sat down with Gina ` 


to figure out what ours would be. 
We quickly agreed that adultery, 
abandonment and abuse are all 
valid grounds for divorce, but 1 
said we could ditch the imprison- 
ment clause. (I've always had a bit 
of a women-in-prison thing.) 

As for other divorceable trans- 
gressions, Gina cited using a cellu- 
lar phone in a public place. She 

loathes creeps who walk down crowd- 
ed streets yammering away on their 
phones. She made me vow that if I 
ever discovered a cure for the kind of 
brain cancer that people supposedly 
get from cell phones, I would keep it 
to myself. 

Fair cnough. It was my turn. I had 
heard from a number of barflies that 
marricd life meant, above all else, the 
end of blow jobs. So what I wanted 
out of our relationship upgrade was 
for my bride to vow that she would 
not abandon, imprison or abuse me 
by not providing oral sex on demand, 
any time, anyplace. 

She paused. "Let me consult my 
lawyer," she said. 

Unfortunately, this covenant mar- 
riage thing clearly wasn't going to 
work out. 


N E W 


S ¿EJ R 


OS ONT ӘТ 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


“PENNIES FOR YOUR THOUGHTS: 
MCKINNEY, TEXAS—If you have an idea 
that could make millions for your employer 


but won't reveal it, can your boss lay claim 
to your thoughts? Evan Brown says he 


knows a way to update old computer codes 
that could be worth millions of dollars, but 
that he has never written it down. DSC 
Communications sued for ownership of the 
idea because Brown signed an employment 
contract ten years ago giving it rights to all 
his "made or concewed” inventions. After 
the software engineer refused to share his 
inspiration, the company fired him and 
took its case to court. A state judge ruled 
that Brown must explain his idea before 
ownership can be determined, and that 
DSC should compensate him $45 an hour 
for his time. 


DALLAS—First the Church overlooked it. 
Then it said it was the parents’ fault. Now 
it wants someone else to pick up the lab. A 
jury ruled that the Roman Catholic diocese 
committed “gross negligence” by not taking 
action sooner against a priest who sexually 
abused at least 11 boys over ten years and 
awarded the families $119.6 million in 
damages. In response to the judgment, a 
former diocese official said the parents 
were more responsible than the Church be- 
cause they should have known their kids 
were being abused, Finally, the diocese 
filed its own suit against two insurance 
companies that refuse to pay the jury 


award. According to “National Under- 
writer” ine, many insurers now de- 
cline to cover churches for sexual-miscon- 
duct judgments and others have lowered 
the limits on what they will pay. 


— Pp EE E 


CINCINNATI—Prosecutors in Hamilton 
County say they know who killed an 18- 
year-old driver in a traffic accident, and 
that it wasn't the obvious suspect—the 
rookie cop who ran a stop sign during a 
chase and collided with the teen's car. In- 
stead, they charged the man who was be- 
ing chased with the felony of involuntary 
manslaughter. “If your action proximately 
causes the death of another, you can be 
guilty of involuntary manslaughter,” an 
assistant prosecutor argued. (He cited an 
earlier Ohio case in which an elderly 
woman died of a heart attack after catch- 
ing а burglar in the act. The burgler was 
convicted of causing her death.) County 
officials declined to prosecute the police of- 
ficer, who had his siren blaring as he 
joined the chase, but the city fired him and 
charged him with a misdemeanor. 


© ШЕ 


SACRAMENTO—State officials have cre- 
ated a searchable CD-ROM that lists the 
names of California's 63,920 registered 
sex offenders and includes descriptive in- 
formation and mug shots. To discourage 
vigilantism, adults who wish to view it 
must fill out an application. Meanuhile, a 
group of self-styled crime fighters are copy- 
ing the names, birth dates and crimes of re- 
peat offenders and posting them on a. Web 
site (sexoffenders.net). Officials in Alas- 
ka, Florida and Indiana already post the 
names, addresses and photos of registered 
offenders online 


<= 


LONDON — Researchers report that men 
who have HIV and an untreated sexually 
transmitted disease such as gonorrhea may 
be more likely to pass on HIV to their part- 
ners. Writing in “The Lancet,” the scien- 
tists say HIV apparently preys on immune 
system cells sent in by the body to battle the 
second STD. In their study, conducted in 
Malawi, the researchers found that the 
amount of HIV in semen was eight times 
greater in participants with urethritis (an 
infection often caused by gonorrhea). The 


good news: Treating the STD with antibi- 
otics reduced the level of HIV in the semen. 


© SEXUAL PERSECUTION: — 

HELENA, MONTANA—The stale supreme 
court threw out Montana's antigay law 
against “deviate sexual relations,” saying 
it violates a fundamental right to privacy. 
No one was ever charged under the law, 
enacted in 1973. Five states—Arkansas, 
Kansas, Maryland, Missouri and Okla- 
homa—criminalize gay sex, and 15 others 
have laws banning sodomy among gays 
and straights alike. In one of those states, 
Georgia, the law may face a challenge with 
the case of a man convicted of having con- 
sensual oral sex with a 17-year-old girl. 
Forty men and one woman ате already 
imprisoned in the state on sodomy charges. 
A prison system spokesman says the wom- 
ап conviction was related to prostitution, 
but that none of the others involved con- 
sensual acts. 


© PAYMENT DUE 


PRESTONSBURG, KENTUCKY—A former 
school board member took his case to small- 
claims court to collect on a sex loan. Ina 
handwritien complaint, Wood Keesee, 59, 
said an ex-girlfriend had agreed to repay 


an $1800 loan with 18 sex sessions at a 
rate of three or four a week. She defaulted 
after three sessions, Keesee wrote, so "she 
owes me 15 sessions or $1500." The wom- 
an denied the charge, and Keesee later 
dropped the suit. 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ROBERT DOWNEY JR. 


a candid conversation with the precocious, scandal-plagued actor about his hippie 
boyhood, his descent into drugs, his escapes from rehab and his resurgent career 


When Robert. Downey Jr. discusses his 
well-publicized reputation as a heroin and 
coke addict, he often talks about how, despite 
the media circus swirling around him, he 
processed thoughts through what he calls a 
lizard brain—a mind that compartmental- 
ized his life into 45-minute increments. Each 
increment followed the same pattern: Race 
out of the house, get drugs, get high and be 
back in the house within 45 minutes. 

Its hard to keep a straight face when 
Downey explains this because he actually has 
a lizard perched atop his head. It's a beard- 
ed dragon, a reptile belonging to his four- 
year-old son, Indio. The lizard cost $80, not 
including the veterinary fees incurred when 
it went into seizures earlier in the day. The 
lizard was meant to keep Indio busy while 
dad shot a co-starring role in “U.S. Mar- 
shals,” the spin-off of “The Fugitive.” 

Indio couldn't care less that his father is 
being interviewed. Though his father has 
been called the best young actor in this coun- 
try by director Robert Altman and others, In- 
dio wants nothing more of his father than 
playtime. It obviously gnaws at Downey to 
have to put off his son, and so the compro- 
mise is that while Downey answers questions 
about an illustrious career that almost came 
undone by his addiction to hard drugs, he 
does it as Indio places the lizard on top of 
his head. 


"There's nothing quite as disconcerting as 
hearing Sean Penn yell at you through a 
door about what his intentions were for you 
that evening. He's nol to be taken lightly 
when he's upset. And he was upset.” 


The son of Robert Downey, the under- 
ground filmmaker who directed “Putney 
Swope,” Robert Downey Jr. entered the 
movie business when he was not much older 
than Indio. He was born on April 4, 1965 in 
New York City and made his screen debut at 
the age of five as a puppy in his father's film 
“Pound.” He did another turn, with his ac- 
tress mom, Elsie, in the Downey-directed 
“Greaser’s Palace.” 

It’s no surprise that, as a student at Santa 
Monica High School, he quit school and 
headed to New York to become an actor. 
While waiting for his big break, Downey Jr: 
sold shoes and bused tables, even served as 
“living art” at the downtown club Area. 

In 1982 he entered a happy, successful 
phase that included dating aspiring actress 
Sarah Jessica Parker. He also got jobs play- 
ing punks in movies such as “America,” 
“Firstborn” and “Baby It's You,” and he 
starred in the 1985 telepic “Mussolini: The 
Untold Story,” as the dictator's son, Bruno. 
Bul it was a supporting role in “Weird Sci- 
ence” that gave him his big break. He be- 
came buddies with fellow cast member An- 
thony Michael Hall, the geek in the John 
Hughes teen-angst film “Sixteen Candles.” 
When Hall joined the cast of “Saturday 
Night Live” in 1985, Downey went with 
him. Spotted on “SNI” by director James To- 
back, Downey got his first starring role, the 


“What's the fucking point of crashing, burn- 
ing and rising like a phoenix out of your own 
ashes into the same exact fucking thing you 
were before, sans drugs and alcohol? What's 
the value in that?” 


title character in “The Pick-Up Artist.” 
Then came “Less Than Zero,” from the Bret 
Easton Ellis novel, with Downey's portrayal 
of the spiraling downfall of nice guy-drug 
addict Julian Wells. It pul him into the top 
echelon of young actors, and Downey took 
full advantage, making several movies each 
year, including “Chances Are,” "True Be- 
liever,” “Air America,” “Only You,” “Soap- 
dish” and “Short Cuts. 

Downey beat out such highly bankable 
competitors as Robin Williams and Billy 
Crystal to star in “Chaplin,” the biopic di- 
rected by Richard Auenborough for which 
Downey received an Oscar nomination. 

Meanwhile, Downey's penchant for party- 
ing was becoming problematic. Growing up 
in a bohemian family, Downey had smoked 
pot with his dad by his early teens and had 
also used cocaine. When he starred in “Less 
Than Zero,” his castmates feared there 
wasn't much difference between the perfor- 
mance and the performer. 

While Downey's acting seemed effortless, 
even inspired, in such films as “Heart and 
Souls,” “Natural Born Killers,” “Home for 
the Holidays,” “Restoration” and “Richard 
III," his drug problems worsened. His self- 
destructive behavior had earlier taken a toll 
on his relationship with Parker. 

Subsequently he met and married singer 
Deborah Falconer, and they had Indio. But 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


“Believe me, if ever someone found the tran- 
silion to boy king an easy one, it was me. 1 
was way into clothes, way into toys. I almost. 
went bankrupt last year. I was extravagant, 
with no moderation.” 


63 


on June 23, 1996, Downey was pulled over 
for speeding and was found to be carrying 
cocaine, heroin and an unloaded .357 Mag- 
тит in the cab of his truck. By that time Fal- 
coner had moved out with Indio and less 
than a month later, in what became known 
as the "Goldilocks" incident, Downey sur- 
prised a Malibu family on July 16 by passing 
out in their child’s bed. He had to be revived 
and was sent by Malibu municipal court 
judge Lawrence Mira to the Exodus Recou- 
ery Center in Marina del Rey, the same fa- 
cility Kurt Cobain visited before committing 
suicide. 

Downey escaped from the facility for four 
hours on July 20, then found himself hand- 
cuffed before the same judge, who made it 
clear that the party was ending. Mira jailed 
Douney for ten days їп a 24-hour lockdown 
facility and gave him three years’ probation, 
with the threat of jail again if he slipped 
up—even once. 

It was the remedy Downey needed. So far 
he has remained sober, and he has his family 
back. Strong performances in the Toback- 
directed “Two Girls and a Guy,” the Mike 
Figgis-directed “One Night Stand" and the 
Altman-directed “The Gingerbread Man” 
have helped restore Downey's reputation in 
Hollywood. 

To see how Downey is rebuilding his life, 
PLAYBOY sent Michael Fleming, а columnist 
for “Daily Variety,” to speak with him in 
Chicago, where he was filming “U.S. Mar- 
shals.” Fleming reports: 

“We uud agreed to meet on what was sup- 
posed to be his day off. It had rained the pre- 
vious day, forcing a change in the shooting 
schedule. So when we met that evening, 
Downey had not only worked a full day in an 
unair-conditioned airplane hangar in 100- 
degree heat, he had also absorbed a punch in 
the ribs from Wesley Snipes, the film's vil- 
lain, that was serious enough to require X 
rays. Despite this, Downey could not have 
been more gracious. In three interview ses- 
sions over the next 24 hours, he was as en- 
gaging and charming as he appears on- 
screen. He didn’t duck a single question, 
and this was by far the most candid, in- 
depth interview he has given about those 
dark days. 

“Downey now spends his days with two 
constant companions. There's Joe Bilella, a 
producer of ‘Richie Rich’ and Downey's 
partner in a production company called 
Herd of Turtles. The other is Earl Hightow- 
er, а court-appointed drug counselor who 
helps Downey stay straight. Both were there 
al the three-floor house Downey rented dur- 
ing the Chicago shoot, along with his son 
and Downey's mother, who came for a visit 
while Downey's wife, Deborah, stayed in Los 
Angeles to work on her music career: 

“Downey is not particularly ashamed of or 
apologetic about the events that transpired 
last year. Indeed, he cringes more at the 
memory of а bad film. He covered the most 
difficult subjects without a hint of bitterness, 
defensiveness or denial; in fact, he often 

64 seemed so eager to tell his story that he would 


DILFAATEBLO TN 


interrupt or change subjects in midthought. 
He says he's rediscovered the things that are 
important in his life—his son, his wife, his 
directing aspirations and his own plans for a 
music career.” 


PLAYBOY. In your new film One Night 
Stand, you play someone who's dying of 
AIDS. Director Mike Figgis based the 
character on a close friend. He trusted 
you with the role, even though you were 
having problems at the time. 

DOWNEY: Mike was so loving to me, 
because I was out of my mind when I 
met him. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

DOWNEY: We were at Kate Mantilini’s 
restaurant in Los Angeles. I was shoe- 
less. Is there a statute of limitations for a 
concealed weapon? 

PLAYBOY: We'll have to find out. 

DOWNEY: OK. I had a concealed weapon. 

At the bar. He was looking at me and I'll 
never forget the look on his face. I was 
thinking, What? Is he aware of what’s 
going on? He asked me, “Why do you 
have a gun?" It was, like, sticking out of 
this little purse. I mean I was completely 


I could go from watching 
TV in a hotel room to being 
back in 45 minutes with 
drugs. And I could do it 


in any major city. 


in a fantasy. I wasn’t a badass. I thought 
I was meeting with Figgis for the hand- 
some male lead, because I was so deb- 
onair. In fact, he was interested in me for 
the role of the guy dying of AIDS. He 
gave me the job. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think he made that de- 
cision on the spot? 

DOWNEY: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Figgis directed Nicolas Cage to 
an Oscar in Leaving Las Vegas. Cage 
played a guy with a fatal addiction to al- 
cohol. There you were, with your own 
addiction. Did you tell Figgis about your 
problem? 

DOWNEY: It was apparent. But this is in- 
teresting. He related to me like someone 
who was completely in control of his own 
reality, and was deserving of respect 
There was no condescension because of 
what I was going through. I don't dis- 
count the fact that addiction or alco- 
holism is a disease. But I still feel that, at 
every turn, I was choosing to keep go- 
ing with it. It was serving some part of 
me, either deeply spiritual or darker, 1 
don't know. 

PLAYBOY: Do you mean that it helped you 
creatively, the way people have said 


Richard Pryor was funnier when he was 
on the edge? 

DOWNEY: Ycah. 

PLAYBOY: Did being high help your work, 
or is that an illusion? 

DOWNEY: Well, it’s all an illusion. But my 
beliefs, my expectations have changed. 
When 1 first got turned on to hard drugs 
as a teenager, I could snort coke and 
drink all night and still function. As soon 
as I started smoking heroin instead of 
smoking coke, everything was different, 
and I knew it was. And it happened 
around the time I was doing Home for the 
Holidays. 

PLAYBOY: How did that affect your 
performance? 

Downey: Home for the Holidays is, for me, 
опе of the most relaxed performances in 
the history of cinema. I can't attribute 
that to the fact that I was at a serene 
place in my life, or that there was a real 
warm feeling on the set. 

PLAYBOY: You can joke about it now. 
DOWNEY: This is a problem for me be- 
cause I glamorize this stuff. I can't say 
that it wasn't real dark, real evil and real 
hurtful to those around me. And yet, 
practically every take of that film was a 
print. 

PLAYBOY: Your director, Jodie Foster, 
didn’t let you off the hook just because 
you were doing good takes. 

DOWNEY: God bless Jodie Foster. When 
does she have time to do a handwritten 
letter telling someone how she genuine- 
ly cares about them? She said, “Listen, 
I'm not worried about you on this film. 
You're not losing it or nodding out, and 
you're giving a great performance. I'm 
worried about your thinking you can get 
away with doing this on another film.” 
PLAYBOY: So it was made clear that you 
were courting trouble. 

DOWNEY: Nonetheless, the experience 
was a ball. My body felt great. I wasn't 
hungry. There are certain, practical 
things that doing lots of heroin and co- 
caine takes care of. Like weight prob- 
lems, or attention deficit disorder. I 
could actually be interested in what 
someone was saying, when I wouldn't 
have been interested sober. 

PLAYBOY: Home for the Holidays was filmed 
mostly in Baltimore. Where did you get 
the drugs? Did you take them with you? 
DOWNEY: I could go from watching Spec- 
travision in a hotel room to being back 
there in about 45 minutes with drugs, 
and I could say that for any major city. 
It's like there's the drug-crazed divin- 
ing rod, and it’s your main focus. The 
purpose is so clear. The purpose is to 
procure substance. 1 called it my liz- 
ard brain. 

PLAYBOY: Were you recognized? 

DOWNEY: Yeah. That would usually be to 
my benefit. 

PLAYBOY: Now that you're straight, you 
don't look back on Home for the Holidays 
and cringe, knowing what was going on 
inside you? 


ТНКЕЕ 
REASONS ТО 
OWN A 
GOOD PAIR 
OF WINTER 
BOOTS. 


| D THE. 2) DONNER. 3) PARTY. 


Anyone who remained awake during history class 
would certainly remember the Donner party. Those 


unfortunate emigrants who, upon being stranded 


for the winter in the Sierra Nevada mountains. 


decided that friends weren't just good for talking Chairman Gert Boste 
to. they also made good eatin’. Pity they didn't have a few pairs 


el Silcox“ boots. With waterproof breathable Omni-Tech”, a serious 


h 


k sole and Thermolite" insulation for 


comfort down to -45 f, theres no 
better hoot for long walks in the cold. So next time you attempt to cross a few states you 
may want to bring some along. That way if you happen to find yourself in a similar 


situation you'll be able to rethink your dinner plans. Alter $ Columbia 


all, the only thing that should taste like chicken. is chicken. Sportswear Company. 


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PLAYBOY 


DOWNEY: I'm very proud of that film. It's 
the rest of the day I cringe about. 
PLAYBOY: Was it a shock to realize you 
were in trouble? 

DOWNEY: Mostly I'm surprised that it 
didn't happen sooner. I mean, it’s like 
running red lights all the time and final- 
ly getting a ticket. 

PLAYBOY: How did your peers react? 
DOWNEY: I ran into Mel Gibson some- 
where, and he said that he thought it 
was funny. 

PLAYBOY: Funny? 

DOWNEY: Yeah. It wasn't funny for me, 
but to read about the sequence of events, 
yeah, that's funny. And it's funny be- 
cause nobody got hurt. 

PLAYBOY: Do you worry that directors 
might be eyeing you to make sure you 
don't slip? 

DOWNEY: If I were a director looking at 
me agitated, I might be suspicious. But 
there's plenty to do now, just being a dad 
and working. 

PLAYBOY: You're working with people 
who know you well. 

DOWNEY: The first thing 1 did after was 
Two Cirls and a Cuy, with James Toback, 
who's an old friend. He gave me my first 
lead and completely sympathizes with 
compulsive behavior. He and 1 were 
pretty much two peas in a pod. And then 
Altman was like, "Big fucking deal. 
You're over it. Let's do some good 
work.” And now, I have the support of 


Wesley, who I was in One Night Stand 
with, and Tommy Lee Jones, who I did 
Natural Born Killers with. They have been 
very cool with me. 

PLAYBOY: Did they lobby for you? 
DOWNEY: I guess they did, yeah. 
PLAYBOY: People can help you now, but 
their words didn't have much impact on 
your sobering up, did they? 

DOWNEY: No. But it was grotesquely 
amusing to watch people attempt to fix 
me. 

PLAYBOY. How many people tried? 
DOWNEY: Several dozen. 

PLAYBOY: Sean Penn's attempt seemed 
most dramatic. What did he do to try to 
help you? 

DOWNEY: Oh God. Everything from se- 
creting me to the desert to kick, to 
knocking down my door and putting me. 
ona private jet to Tucson. 

PLAYBOY: He knocked down your door? 
DOWNEY: Or he and a couple of other 
guys did, yeah. 

PLAYBOY: That's friendship. 

DOWNEY: And there's nothing quite as 
disconcerting as hearing him yell at you 
through a door about what his inten- 
tions were for you that evening. I just re- 
member waking up, or coming to, and 
saying, “How the hell did he get in 
here?" He's not to be taken lightly when 
he's upset. And he was upsct. 

PLAYBOY. Had he been a good friend of 
yours for long? 


DOWNEY: [n a relatively short time he was 
a better friend than some people Га 
known for ages. I remember him saying. 
three or four years ago, "You have two 
reputations. I think you know what both 
of them are, and I think you'd do well to 
get rid of one of those reputations. If 
you don't, it will get rid of the other 
one." And I was like, “Two reputations, 
I'll be right back." Just hearing him say 
that reminded me that I should go score. 
So I did and 1 was back in, of course, 45 
minutes. 

PLAYBOY: He broke down your door. Did 
you try to escape? 

DOWNEY: Of course! And it's so weird 
when you're trying to break out of your 
own house. 

PLAYBOY: Their efforts didn't help? 
DOWNEY: It's that inertia of an addict. 
Next thing I know I’m on a private jet. 
Then it's three days later, and I'm at this 
treatment center I've been at before. 
Everyone's being really nice. The very 
next thought I had was to escape, to 
leave the clothes there, take a water bot- 
tle. Soon 1 was 50 miles into the desert, 
no ID, no cash. 

PLAYBOY: You actually escaped? 

DOWNEY: Yes. Miraculously, 1 hitched a 
ride for 27 miles into town, telling them 
something like, “I'm a married man. 1 
had a room in town and I had”—I just 
started bullshitting up а storm—"I had a 
lady of the evening. I woke up and she'd. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


TW 


A 


taken my credit cards. I've got to get 
back to my son's bar mitzvah.” 1 called 
my accountant in New York, woke him 
up. Said, “1 got to get on a plane now.” 
Next thing I knew, I had a coach ticket. 
But because it was me, they bumped me 
up to first class. Drank the whole hour- 
and-a-half flight back. 

PLAYBOY: Did you try to avoid Sean Penn 
afterward? 

DOWNEY: You bet. After that, he was like, 
Forget it. It sucks, too, because someone 
as honorable as he is, I really should. 
have responded. Jesus, | grew up id 
ing this guy. Not only does he consider 
me a friend, but he's taking time. He's 
got a family. He's got a career that's go- 
ing well He's living his dreams and 
making time for me, and I'm like, *I 
can't, 1 just can't—sorry, busy." 

PLAYBOY: Who else attempted to straight- 
еп you out? 

DOWNEY: For a couple of months, I think 
it was the visitors' roster. Who's here to 
try to make an impact today? And I was 
always available. With few exceptions, I 
was always saying, “Great, let's try," be- 
cause resignation is a real bad idea. 
PLAYBOY: Once you got straight you be- 
came expensive to insure. You dropped 
out of a picturc called Wild Things bc- 
cause thc moncymen wanted you to pay 
a six-figure premium. 

DOWNEY: It's all justifiable. I can't say I 
wouldn't be a high risk, and I'm not say- 


ing it wasn't cool of them to go out on a 
limb to get me, to want to have me do 
this film, considering my history. Here's 
the other thing: 1 don't need a fucking 
acting career. If I have one, it's great. If 
things pan out, it’s great. If things crash, 
and 1 never do another movie again, 1 
don't give a fuck. 

PLAYBOY: Really? 

DOWNEY: I don't give a shit. I love 
change. I write music. I can paint. 1 
could, by virtue of my semicelebrity, go 
out and fucking do a million things, 
some of which might be a lot more grati- 
fying than acting. I have a love-hate rela- 
tionship with it because it's so fucking 
time consuming and usually disappoint- 
ing. I don't fucking care what happens. 1 
just care how I feel while it’s happening 
PLAYBOY: The insurance hazards seem 
behind you now. 

DOWNEY; Yeah, I’m a safer bet than peo- 
ple who are supposedly controlling а 
dope or drinking or sniffing or shooting 
problem. Some of them are working on 
films now anyway because they passed 
their physicals. I was much more of 
an insurance risk before I was an insur- 
ance risk. 

PLAYBOY: You have a court-appointed 
drug counselor, Earl Hightower, who 
gocs wherever you go. How long will 
that last? What's it like? 

DOWNEY: Actually, it’s been really liberat- 
ing. We get along and we have a lot of 


laughs, but we also take care of business. 
I've never been in this situation, where if 
something is going on, someone says, 
“What's up? Let's talk about it.” And 1 
actually talk about it. 

PLAYBOY: It must be a strong incentive to 
know that if you slip even once, you're 
going to go to jail. 

DOWNEY: I don't think anything else 
would work for me. At this point, it's 
been a while, and it would pretty much 
take a psychological meltdown for me to 
forget the reality of what Гуе been 
through. 

PLAYBOY: But you never really know for 
sure? 

DOWNEY: No. I wouldn't put it past any- 
body who's been where I have. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your films. It 
seems no matter what you do, Chaplin 
will be how you're remembered profes- 
sionally How does that performance 
hold up for you? 

DOWNEY: We were in Savannah doing 
Gingerbread Man and 1 saw it. I said, 
“Goddamn, this is really good." 

PLAYBOY: Was Chaplin your best work? 
DOWNEY: Yes, thanks to Attenborough 
He's in a class by himself, and he taught 
me more than anyone else, 

PLAYBOY: You got the role over some big 
names—Robin Williams and Billy Crys- 
tal, to name two. 

DOWNEY: Right. But Billy Crystal as 
Charlie Chaplin? Physically, he can't do 


Yes, you can switch down 


from full flavor 
and still get 
Fi taste. 


PLAYBOY 


it. Robin Williams, he's a genius, but 
how's he going to get down to 145 
pounds? 

PLAYBOY: Why do you think Chaplin 
wasn't a big hit? 

DOWNEY: Because of the way Tristar mar- 
keted it? I don't know. 

PLAYBOY: So it got lost? 

DOWNEY: I think so. I also think the fact 
that it was a biopic worked against it. 
PLAYBOY: You received an Oscar nomina- 
tion, though. 

DOWNEY: Hell, yes. 

PLAYBOY: Did you expect to vin? 
DOWNEY: Yes. I totally deserved to win. 
PLAYBOY: Did you keep a stone face when 
they had the camera on you as Al Pacino 
won for Scent of a Woman? 

DOWNEY: Yes. The guy who had the cam- 
era on me as I smiled and got up and 
on to Pacino said, "Now 


PLAYBOY: Did that performance take 
preparation? 

DOWNEY: I thought for a second I was go- 
ing to win. Marisa Tomei had won, and I 
thought, It's the young people here. I'm 
sitting there, convinced this could be it. 
The voice-over in my head was just 
ridiculous. it’s all going ту way. Not much 
longer now. Why is it (he last category? Be- 
cause it’s the category. Richard Tyler designed 
this suit for me. Im going to go up and show 
it off. I kind of look like Daniel Day-Lewis. 
He won. Last time. It's all coming together. 


It's all—it's—well, some people think it's not 
your turn. Well, he did get dicked twice before, 
and Pacino is major. But he can't. It's me. But 
that—no, he can't—it's me. It's not —it's— 
E 

Then it's, "Hey, Robert, you want to 
go to the after-party?” Oh, yeah. Good. 
That was just fucked 
PLAYBOY: So it wasn't a glorious night. 
DOWNEY: Nah. But it was great to be 
nominated. And I got shafted for Less 
Than Zero. 1 should have been nominat- 
ed for Home for the Holidays. Maybe I'll be 
nominated for one of these other mov- 
ies. I'd like to project that into the fu- 
ture right now. 
PLAYBOY: After Chaplin, Attenborough 
said you were Tom Cruise and a charac- 
ter actor rolled into one, and that if you 
choose your roles right, the world will be 
your oyster. 
DOWNEY: He was absolutely right. 
[Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: Have you made the right choic- 
єз, and have there been roles you should 
have taken? 
DOWNEY: No. There's nothing 1 passed 
on—I can't even remember, but there 
were dozens of them—that I wish I had 
back. What Attenborough said is so true. 
I should have waited and not done any- 
thing until I found something really 
good. Something I had developed. 
Things would be real different right 
now. It's so weird to feel like I'm making 


some sort of comeback. 

PLAYBOY: Especially when you really nev- 
er stopped working. 

DOWNEY: Yeah. And what [hesitating] real- 
ly . . - just... squelches .. ту... ves 
nutsack is when people say, “Oh, we're 
glad you're working again." Then I turn 
my back and they whisper [assumes a 
pained, hushed, dramatic voice], “He's such а 
lost soul. He's struggling. He's lost 
PLAYBOY: So you— 

Downey: I'm not done yet! "He's in a lot 
of pain, he's so sad, he can't be enjoying 
any of this, he's so sick. He'sa sick young 
man! He needs help! He's got to stop. 
[Loud again] Hey, but the dailies were 
great!” 

PLAYBOY: Were you always able to work 
while impaired? 

DOWNEY: Sure. I was a tecnager when I 
got to L.A. to do Tuff Turf. I was on the 
Universal lot. I went to Los Angelesand 
it was like all my dreams came true. And 
there were no repercussions. It was the 
Eighties. And I fit in real well. m like 
the last guy at the party. It's passé to be 
involved in the shit I was involved in last 
ycar. But I never stopped working. I was 
making tons of money. I was set up in a 
relationship with Sarah Jessica Parker, 
and it just seemed like 1 could do no 
wrong: It was never easy, partying the 
way that I did, which was as often as I 
could. But it was doable. And as long as 
it was doable, I wasn't going to stop. So 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. 
PLAYBOY: How are things different now? 
DOWNEY: I just have to find balance now. 
I'm living like a fucking monk right now. 
And that's OK, it's my turn to be a monk. 
I remember always hearing about peo- 
ple who went home after work and dealt 
with their kids and watched the Discov- 
ery Channel and had a popsicle and 
went to bed at ten o'dock. 

PLAYBOY: How long can you last doing 
that? 

DOWNEY: I don't know. I guess the issue 
for me is to keep things dynamic, and I 
don't think that would have happened 
while doing what I was doing before 
everything fell apart. 

PLAYBOY: Does that mean you need to do 
things differently? 

DOWNEY: I burned out on it to the point 
where I really wanted to escape from 
Deb and all the supposed rewards. So 
what's going to be different if I have the 
same formula now? I would love to do 
something radical. I want to change my 
name to Elias, which is my real last 
name. I want to paint myself blue and 
present myself as a new architect of the 
21st century. 1 want to make Prince look 
like a stockbroker and just do something 
so radical. What's the fucking point of 
crashing, burning and rising like a 
phoenix out of your own ashes into the 
same exact fucking thing you were be- 
fore, sans drugs and alcohol? What's the 


value in that? Except that everyone’s a 
little more comfortable, and maybe I am 
too. And if I play my cards right, maybe 
I can have that fucking horse ranch! 
Maybe I can have all the pieces fit. I re- 
ally would like to play my cards right. 1 
can have a fucking horse ranch too! 
PLAYBOY: What you're saying is that you 
need to— 

DOWNEY: You're trying to decipher three 
minutes of manic flight. That's not an 
easy feat for anyone. 

PLAYBOY: We're trying. You need to plot a 
different course. 

DOWNEY: I think so. I remember saying 
to my wife a couple of years ago, “Debby, 
we've got to get out of LA. We've got to 
get out of the country. We've got to move 
to China.” 

PLAYBOY: China? 

DOWNEY: Yes. I felt we had to do a total 
180 degrees, from the culture and every- 
thing we'd been raised to value. If I had 
really been ballsy. 
PLAYBOY: You would have done it? 
DOWNEY: Yeah, and this interview would 
be taking place in the new Hong Kong. 
PLAYBOY: Which actors do you like? 
DOWNEY: I always say John Malkovich, 
Christopher Walken—and Гус really 
been impressed by Peter O'Toole. I don't 
know why. I think territorially. Like, 
where do you bridge the gap between 
yourself and another actor? When I saw 
Chris O'Donnell's Robin, I thought, I 


couldn't have done that. I just don’t 
know how I could play Robin effectively. 
[Laughs] And Jerry Maguire. 

PLAYBOY: Could you have done that role? 
DOWNEY: Yeah. I should have. I wanted 
to, yet I couldn't have. He was meant to 
do that. 

PLAYBOY: Tom Cruise? 

DOWNEY: He was hilarious. I can remem- 
ber seeing Leonardo DiCaprio in Basket- 
ball Diaries and going, Well, hey, that 
kind of preppy thing. And yet this char- 
acter was on dope, so that should have 
been my glove-fit role. 

PLAYBOY: How do you choose your roles? 
DOWNEY: I usually look at the cover page 
of something, I hear who's directing it, 1 
hear who else is in it, and that's pretty 
much it. 

PLAYBOY: You don't need to read the 
script? 

DOWNEY: No. When Altman called me 
about The Gingerbread Man, 1 didn't read 
it before I said I'd doit. I knew Kenneth 
Branagh was in it. I loved him. Altman 
was directing it. There it is. [Laughs] 
Some say it's haphazard. I think its hap- 
hazard if you're not being intuitive. Still, 
I am confounded by how you're sup- 
posed to do this, build yourself a long- 
Tasting carcer. 

PLAYBOY: How was it working with Alt- 
man again on The Gingerbread Man? 
Downey: It was great, so great. He would 
say things to me like, “Don't memorize 


Yes, 
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> and still get 


" E taste. 


PLAYBOY 


your lines or anything.” “Don't look at 
the script tonight.” “That was absolutely 
adequate, let's move on.” Just funny 
stuff. And everyone was doing these 
Southern accents. Kenneth had one. 
PLAYBOY: How was yours? 

DOWNEY: Awesome. It was like in Natural 
Born Killers. Give me an accent, Гуе gota 
character. 1 don't have to do anything 
else. Put whatever clothes on me you 
want. If I'm worrying about the pants 
or the hair or the dialogue, I must (A) 
not have an accent or (B) not be in а 
good movie. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your child- 
hood, growing up the son of an under- 
ground filmmaker. It doesn’t sound like 
Ozzie and Harriet. Your first on-screen ap- 
pearance at five was in Pound, in which 
you played a puppy asking another dog 
if it had hair on its genitals. 

DOWNEY: The line was, “Got any hair on 
your balls?" It was with a bit ofa lisp, too. 
A little accent I was doing. 

PLAYBOY: How did you end up in your fa- 
ther's film? 

DOWNEY: It was more convenient than 
having a kid whose mom might be there 
saying, "He's going to say what? You 
want him here till when?" 

PLAYBOY: Did your parents think hiring 
you was easier than finding a sitter? 
DOWNEY: Yeah. Then again, 1 wouldn't 
put it past myself to have been trying to 
work an angle to get a career at five. 


PLAYBOY: Were you aware of what you 
were doing? 

DOWNEY: It was all so organic to me be- 
cause my dad was screening dailies on а 
sheet in our living room in the Village. 
Dad made movies, and we would watch 
the film he had shot that day. People 
came and made movies with my dad. 
Antonio Fargas and I made jokes until 
he had to go to the set to make a movie 
with my daddy. My mommy's doing a 
movie with Daddy. 

PLAYBOY: So it was just part of your life. 
You came back at the age of seven with 
Greaser's Palace, and your throat was slit 
by God. 

DOWNEY: Exactly. And my mom really 
got it from God. She got arrows, she 
got shot. 

PLAYBOY: What did you read into that? 
DOWNEY: That was when 1 recognized 
that there was someone in my family 
who worked in front of the camera, and 
her work had a deep effect on people 
who were watching. That was also when 
I realized that it was a discipline. You 
had to do it again and again. 1 didn’t 
want to do it again. Dad took me behind 
the tree and gave me a little face slap and 
said, “You'll do it until we're done.” That 
has stuck with me to this day. 

PLAYBOY. You worked with him again 
recently. 

DOWNEY: Yes, in Hugo Pool, which is an- 
other world unto itself. I play a Dutch 


film director who gets in trouble for 
shooting an extra, and I actually say in 
the film, “Dank God eet's Los Angeles. 
ГЇЇ probably get off with a leettle com- 
moonity service.” Which Dad loved 
When I'm doing films with my dad, he 
knows all the characters I've been doing 
throughout the years. There are like 20 
of them that will come up at any time, 
PLAYBOY: When you were a kid, you 
smoked pot with your father. 

DOWNEY: Yeah, to say the least. 

PLAYBOY: Were you still having drug 
problems during the filming of Hugo? 
DOWNEY: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Your father introduced you 
to pot and then spent years overcoming 
his own coke problem. Was that shoot 
awkward? 

DOWNEY: Well, it was really weird because 
my dad was directing it. My cousin was 
working on the film. It was ouchy and 
painful for them to see, but, again, my 
work didn’t suffer from it. But that 
didn’t mean it was OK. There was a lot 
of drive for me to seek help. 

PLAYBOY: Now that you're a father, do 
you look back at your childhood with 
resentment? 

DOWNEY: Though I feel resentment 
sometimes, I don't think I have any 
more reason to resent than someone in 
the 16th century who was leeched by his 
dad. I mean, it really was the times. I was 
in the generation that was smoking pot. 


e 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


D Philip Mortis Inc. 1996 


1 mg tar? 0.1 mg nicoti 


ne av. per d 


T lived in Woodstock, where it was like 
rainbows and pinball and pizza and pot. 
PLAYBOY: Your home must have been 
quite a bit different from those of other 
kids in the neighborhood. 

DOWNEY: I was not unlike urban latchkey 
kids. And also my dad was going around 
to colleges a lot. Back then there was 
something real earnest and avant-garde 
about it. I liked being my dad’s kid. I 
liked the respect he got. I loved his sense 
of humor. I loved watching my mom 
make movies. And that's when I really 
got into it. When my mom kind of re- 
tired, I started, and 1 felt in a way that I 
carried that on. 

PLAYBOY: Are there patterns you won't 
repeat with your son? 

DOWNEY: Yeah, but I think that's a dan- 
gerous attitude to take, because then 
you're in denial. Some things J consider 
inexcusable about my parents’ behavior 
Гуе already surpassed. There is so much 
fear in being a parent. 

PLAYBOY: How did becoming a father 
change your views? 

DOWNEY: It was the first time I recog- 
nized that there was something a lot 
more difficult than working. A lot more 
rewarding. Suddenly, your primary fo- 
cus is outside yourself. 

PLAYBOY: Was your son aware of your 
problems? 

DOWNEY: No. 1 haven't dropped the ball 
аз а dad very much. 


PLAYBOY: Do you usually take your son on 
the road with you? 

DOWNEY: So far, he’s come to visit every 
time. My wife is back in California. She’s 
a singer and songwriter, and she’s start- 
ing to playa bunch and things are taking 
off for her. 

PLAYBOY: Has your son become more im- 
portant than your job? 

DOWNEY: Yes, and it’s weird, too. It’s so 
much more important to me what In- 
dio’s watching on TV in the wailer than 
what I’m doing on the set. 1 find myself 
obsessing about things like his dental 
hygiene. 

PLAYBOY: You went to Santa Monica High 
with a lot of kids who had acting aspira- 
tions. Did you hang out with Rob Lowe 
or the Estevez clan? 

DOWNEY: 1 hung out with Ramon Fs- 
tevez, the middle one of the three broth- 
ers. He taught me how to tap-dance, 
taught me about the social intricacies of 
late-night coffee shops. He was the first 
true eccentric 1 ever met. That whole 
family was like the Hearsts to me. They 
lived in Malibu. They all drove nice cars. 
They had a tight family. 

PLAYBOY: Did you act їп any school 
productions? 

DOWNEY: Yeah. I would show up in the 
morning and hang out with my friends, 
then ditch. Show up for theater arts, 
ditch. Come back to hook up after 
school. 


PLAYBOY: Your grades must have been 
interesting. 

DOWNEY: They were consistent. And 
there was this fence—that's where I 
learned to escape. It wasn't easy to get 
over this chain-link fence, which was 20 
feet high, at least. 

PLAYBOY: How did your parents react to 
your ditching? 

DOWNEY: My dad said I should either 
show up every day or quit and get a job. 
He was going back to New York to shoot. 
a movie. I remember being called into а 
counselor's office, and she said, "Listen, 
we want to get you through this year. 
Eleventh grade was starting out well. 
You come in for summer school and we'll 
make up a bunch of these credits, апа 
we'll get you into your senior year." I 
looked at her, thought of Dad's plan B, 
and I quit instead. 

PLAYBOY: Do you regret not finishing? 
DOWNEY: I take it upon myself to follow 
my interests, which include history, a 
love of nonfiction and science. But 
where was I going to go to college? What 
was I going to major in, tap dancing? 
PLAYBOY. Describe those early days in 
New York. 

DOWNEY: I was living with my sister in 
a really depressing apartment on Ed- 
gar Allan Poe Street, West 84th Street. 
Really depressing. I'd put on whatev- 
er clothes 1 had pilfered and I would 
go on these casting calls. 1 didn't have 


e: 
1 


And yes, 


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and still get 


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an agent. 
PLAYBOY: Did your family send you mon- 
ey? 

DOWNEY: No way. The defining moment 
was when I called my dad. I said I need- 
ed some money. 1 really was hungry. 1 
had ten cents. And he said no. He s 
"Ask a friend." I said, “1 don't have any 
friends." He said, "Ask your friends. 
Don't call me." I thought that was so 
cold. But I worked it out. 

PLAYBOY: How long before you made it? 
DOWNEY: It took three years. I was in 
New York, working in a restaurant as a 
busboy. I never made it to waiter because 
I was too sweaty and didn't have the fi- 
nesse. Across the street from the restau- 
rant was a theater. 1 gota part in a play. 
An agent saw the play, then 1 had an 
agent. I got a part in Tiff Turf. And then 
1 auditioned for Weird Science. 

PLAYBOY: That was a big brcak. 

DOWNEY: I walked into John Hughes’ of- 
fice and Anthony Michael Hall was there 
playing with John’s stereo system. 
PLAYBOY: This happened right after Six- 
teen Candles? 

DOWNEY: It was like running into Spen- 
cer Tracy or something. It was like see- 
ing a movie star. [Anthony] Michael 
[Hall] came in and watched us read, and 
he kind of looked at me, like, I'm going 
to tell John to get you this job. I remem- 
ber that Sarah was in the car outside 
waiting for me, and I said, "I think I got 
this job." 

PLAYBOY: How did you meet her? 

DOWNEY: We met on a film called First- 
born, which is, I think, the second movie 
part 1 ever got. 1 moved into her apart- 
ment shortly thereafter. We fell in love 
big time. 

PLAYBOY: So you had both a career and a 
girlfriend. And you and Michael went on 
to become cast members on Saturday 
Night Liue. 

DOWNEY: Again, he helped me. This fel- 
low probably had a greater influence on 
my career than anyone else. We be- 
came—and still are—good friends, and 
he had, at the age of 17, as much juice as 
anyone. Anyone I was excited to meet I 
met because he already knew them. 
PLAYBOY: So it was his idea to do SNL? 
DOWNEY: The idea had come to him, and 
we were always talking about wanting to 
do something. The show was re-form- 
ing, Lorne Michaels was coming back, 
and Michael got excited about it. He got 
me an audition for it. 

PLAYBOY: It was not considered the great- 
est SNL season. How was it to be on at 
that time? 

DOWNEY: It was wildly exciting. Our first 
host was Madonna. 1 was in John Belu- 
shi's dressing room. We demanded—or 
rather Michael did, because I wasn't in 
that position—bunk beds with NFL 
sheets. I was 20, so I'm barely making it 
there on Monday to meet the new host, 
you know. 

76 PLAYBOY: So you were li 


PLAYBOY 


ng up to the 


SNL partying tradition? 

DOWNEY: Oh yeah. During that time, 
Michael was probably the most amazing 
pussy wizard in history. And if you were 
anywhere near him, you were having 
fun. He's 17 years old, and there are 
gorgeous girls everywhere. 

PLAYBOY: You left to do Back to School with 
Rodney Dangerfield. 

DOWNEY: That was fun. My hair. I was 
such a nerd, I thought the higher my 
hair, the more handsome 1 was. 
PLAYBOY: Then you got Less Than Zero. 
DOWNEY: Things were going well. Sarah 
and I had a place in L.A., and we had a 
place in New York. When I wasn't work- 
ing, I was going to Red Square, going 
out to the clubs all the time. Andy Mc- 
Carthy was cast as Clay, and I went to the 
audition. And I was Julian. 1 was smok- 
ing jackets, spats, ascots, gloves. 
PLAYBOY: And you brought Julian to life. 
DOWNEY: That's probably the first time 
I created a character from scratch. And 
it was really emotional. The first scene 
was on the tennis court, when Julian is 
confronted by his father. Everything 
changed from then on, because I knew if 
1 got that right, the rest of the film was 
going to go well. 

PLAYBOY: Some castmates, such as Jami 
Gertz, feared you were replicating Julian 
too convincingly. 

Downey: I didn’t do it because of the 
movie. 1 did it because I'd been doing it 
for ages already. 1 started believing that 
as long as your performance was up to 
par, you wouldn't get too much flak on 
the shape you were in when you got 
there or when you left. That wasn’t a 
good thing to cultivate. 

PLAYBOY: Were you partying with your 
peers, or alone? 

Downey: If there were people there, 
great. If there was no one there, fine, as 
Jong as there was a bottle of Absolut, or a 
little something or other. 

PLAYBOY: Was it mainly hard liquor then? 
DOWNEY: Drinking, coke. Mushrooms 
were often involved. 

PLAYBOY: Did it strain your relationship 
with Sarah? 

DOWNEY: Not having that affliction her- 
self, it was just confounding for her. But 
we had a love for each other that over- 
came all of that, and there was a surpris- 
ingly high percentage of normal days 
as well. 

PLAYBOY: How did it end? 

DOWNEY: One of the things I remember 
is that we were kind of broken up, but we 
weren't beyond reconciliation. Then I 
read in the paper that she's gallivanting 
with one of the Kennedy boys. 

PLAYBOY: That was it? 

DOWNEY: No, not at all. What could I not 
forgive after all I'd done? I just wasn't 
there enough of the time. We had real 
deep love for each other, and I wor- 
shiped her. When I could. I don't know 
that I would have had a career at all 
without her. She gave me something 


more than work. 

PLAYBOY: Do you see her? Have you met 
her husband, Matthew Broderick, or is it 
too hard? 

DOWNEY: It's not too hard. I ran into 
them somewhere, and I've never been 
uncomfortable seeing her with him. I 
love her and 1 always will, and I'm glad 
she found someone she's happy with. 
PLAYBOY: After your seven-year relation- 
ship ended, you almost immediately 
married Deborah Falconer. What made 
her the woman you could commit to? 
DOWNEY: It was really her personality, 
though it was of great benefit that she 
happens to be one of the most drop- 
dead gorgeous women I'd ever эссп. 
There's something really youthful about 
her. She isn't self-conscious about how 
beautiful she is. And I could not get over 
her ass. 

PLAYBOY: How long from curbside meet- 
ing to marriage? 

DOWNEY: Forty-two days. 

PLAYBOY: Айег seven years in a relation- 
ship with no ring, it took you only 
42 days? 

DOWNEY: Not to slight Sarah in the slight- 
est. It seemed eventually Sarah and I 
would have married. But once certain 
words are said, or once you separate 
yourself geographically from a relation- 
ship, it's a whole different game. It's like 
pulling the one-armed bandit. And 1 
came up gold bars a lot quicker than I 
ever expected. 

PLAYBOY: How did Deborah react to your 
substance problem? 

DOWNEY: She was as wild as I was. That 
was the last time 1 remember it being 
fun. We started off in high gear. 1 
couldn't maintain the relationship, and 
then she got pregnant. That helped, but 
even that couldn't deter me from my pri- 
mary purpose, until now. 

PLAYBOY: There were reports she took 
Indio and left temporarily. 

DOWNEY: That was in April. 

PLAYBOY: And by June you were bottom- 
ing out. 

DOWNEY: Also by June, I was hitting this 
stride that was very ethereal. I was out of 
body. I was getting toward the place I 
had always been looking for. See, some 
people like to go down and out with 
booze and dope, barely conscious, noth- 
ing working but the heart and lungs. But 
for me, there was the introduction of all 
these other drugs. I don't know if I was 
dying. I didn't know what was going to 
happen. 

PLAYBOY: It sounds like a dangerous 
place. 

DOWNEY: It was bad, and it was fuzzy, 
comfortable and familiar, and inviting. 1 
was in a place that didn't have a lor 
of exits. 

PLAYBOY: Then you were found in a 
child's bed in what became known as the 
“Goldilocks” incident. How did you end 
up there? 


(continued on page 212) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He's a man whose sense of adventure soars after dark. Last week he booked an entire restaurant 
for his girlfriend’s birthday. This weekend he chartered a plane and flew some friends to Las Ve- 
gas. He had plenty of company. More than 2 million PLAYBOY men participate in casino gambling. 
Close to 3 million of our readers go to nightclubs on a regular basis. That's more than the 
readers of GQ and Men's Health combined. PLAYBOY—bet on it. (Source: Spring 1997 MRI.) 


78 


merry christmas in the 
bughouse, the snake pit, the glue 
factory. you can't say it isn't 
interesting 


fiction by Thom Jones 


or days Mrs. Gordon 
beseeched her stepson, 
Freddy, to drive her up 
to the state hospital 
in Granite Falls. Every 
Christmas she put to- 
e) gether a fruit basket for 
her third cousin Eustace. His prin- 
cipal relatives had carried out the 
annual deliveries over the years, 
but winter had struck early in 
northern Illinois, and struck with 
a vengeance, dumping one rec- 
ord snowstorm after another. The 
storms were followed by fierce 
winds and two weeks of bitter cold. 
Christmas spirit notwithstanding, 
no one in the Gordon family want- 
ed to venture outside, especially for 
a fruit basket mission to the mental 
hospital. So Mrs. Gordon worked 
on Freddy, who had been bragging 
recently about the virtues of his 
Swedish Saab, a car undaunted 
even by polar climes. 
“If this car is as good as you say, 
20 miles on a four-lane highway 
will be a cruise. Are you the right 


СМ 


man for the job? Am I talking to the 
right fella?” 

At last Freddy said, "The car is an 
ace. I'll do it." 

Mrs. Gordon had never been toa 
state mental hospital. For her it 
conjured up images of gothic hor- 
ror. In a small way, this was part of 
the visit’s appeal. Also, reports of 
Eustace's recent stroke made his fu- 
ture seem pretty iffy. One more 
blood clot and he could be out. 
Mrs. Gordon knew she could not 
live with herself if she did not make 
a last-minute appeal for this poor 
soul's heavenly salvation. Because 
Freddy was a doctor, she figured he 
would know what to do if things 
got out of hand, As an emergency 
room physician, he wrangled with 
crazed drug addicts, autistics and 
demon-inspired assault-prone 
schizophrenics on a daily basis. 

Freddy showed up at four in the 
afternoon, three hours late. Al- 
though he was dressed in a jack- 
et and tie, he did not look’ pre- 
sentable. The hair on the back of 


ILLUSTRATION BY CHARLES BRAGG 


PLAYBOY 


80 


his head had rooster-tailed and he 
needed a shave. His eyes looked like 
two balls of fire. In spite of being late, 
Freddy demanded caffeine. Mrs. Gor- 
don wanted to kill him. Instead she 
convinced him to clean up while she 
made a pot of Starbucks. Freddy was 
blowing his nose when she barged into 
the bathroom with a plastic traveler's 
cup of coffee. “Let's get this show on 
the road,” she said. 

The sun satlow in the winter sky and 
they weren't even out of the driveway 
yet. Freddy complained that the coffee 
was too hot and got out of the car to 
break off a hunk of snow to cool it 
down. By now Mrs. Gordon was having 
second thoughts. She had spent most 
of the morning putting on makeup and 
getting dressed. Then she'd paced 
about the house like a madwoman, ex- 
hausting herself thinking of the bar- 
barous scenes that might transpire at 
the hospital. 

Freddy started the car and flipped 
on the soundtrack from the film Crumb. 
Concentrating on his coffee, he drove 
the Saab through the west side of town 
and then caught the highway to Gran- 
ite Falls. Crumb's syncopated ragtime 
rhythms were like theme music, by 
turns festive, exuberant and depress- 
ing. Except for roadwork vehicles and 
the intrepid Saab, very few cars were 
out. The road was ghostly. 

Highway $1 ran parallel to the Fox 
River and when the Saab wasn't chug- 
ging through heavy snow, it faced 
winding curves slick with ice. Freddy 
braked for a van, the car spun and Mrs. 
Gordon slapped her hand against the 
dash. Freddy smiled. “You don't trust 
my driving skills." 

"The road conditions are utterly har- 
rouing, and you're driving one-hand- 
ed. I got up at nine, I've been drink- 
ing coffee all day and I'm a nervous 
wreck," she said. "Absolutely shot." 

Freddy laughed. "You said 1 look 
bad? You look worse. Haggard. A bag 
lady" 

Jm hagged," Mrs. Gordon said, let- 
ting out a sigh. She studied the old es- 
tates lining the river. Such scenes nor- 
mally gave her pleasure, but now all 
she could think of was the upkeep and 
the heating bills. The owners would 
have to be millionaires, literally, with 
money to burn. She turned to Freddy 
and said, “What if someone attacks us? 
Crazy people have the strength of 30. 
They're like Samson. Even the little 
ones." 

"Thats why they lock them up," 
Freddy said. "Given enough time the 
mentally ill—an М.1.—% pull some 
crazy-ass shit. Most are tame, but mur- 
der and mayhem have a way of unfold- 
ing in their presence. We could be killed 
at the hands of some violent monster. 


More likely I'll roll the car and we'll 
drown in the river. I'm not Mario An- 
drett. I can't believe I agreed to do this 
in such shit weather, with a hang- 


over yet.” 
"You're driving like a maniac!" Mrs. 
Gordon said. “I need . . . Dramamine 


or something. One more wild curve 
and I'll die. I can’t take any morc." 

Freddy raiscd his voice over the mu- 
sic. "I can't take it either. I'm just try- 
ing to get this whole thing over with 
and get my ass back home and into 
bed. This was all your big idea. Eus- 
tace won't even remember us. He's not 
there, never was." 

Mrs. Gordon bristled. *He's got an 
immortal soul," she said, "and this is 
Christmas." 

Freddy shook his head with finality. 
“He won't be judged. He's defective." 

“His dad took him to whores!” Mrs. 
Gordon said. "That's sin of the worst 
sort.” 

“What did you say?” Freddy cranked 
down the stereo. “He took him to a 
whorehouse? I thought they were big 
Christians.” 

Mrs. Gordon corrected her posture. 
Looking straight ahead she said, 
“When he came of age, Eustace sort of 
got out of control. His doctor had the 
name of some woman. It wasn't a 
whorehouse.” 

Freddy scratched the stubble on his 
neck. “Geez. I never figured that Eus- 
tace got laid. Just that he fell 95 feet off 
the water tower. Somehow I never 
imagined anything sexual happened 
with hii 

“Once a week,” Mrs. Gordon said, 
“something sexual happened.” 

Freddy turned off the stereo. “I have 
to fight to hear you. What did this 
woman look like?” 

“She must have been a bird,” Mrs. 
Gordon said. “To be able to put up with 
that. But, then, it was probably over 
quik” 
it calmed him? It did the 


"As far as І know. But you just can't 
say he won't be judged." 

"The Saab hit a straightaway by the 
Campana factory and Freddy turned to 
his stepmother. “Eustace is an imbecile! 
You want to bring him to your house 
and take care of him in the true Chris- 
tian spirit? Change diapers and stuff? 
No! I didn't think so. You think a fruit 
basket is going to help? The glue facto- 
ry. That's where we re going. I'm nota 
Nazi. Im just sayin’.” 

"The Saab's radar detector began to 
blink as they approached the city limits 
of Granite Falls. The state hospital was 
situated on the east side of the highway, 
across from the river. It consisted of 
22 Victorian-era buildings, only half 
of which were still operational. The 


hospital had been built on spacious 
grounds at a time when land and labor 
were cheap. It sat amid a grove of oak, 
elm and maple trees, their branches 
laden with dripping daggers of clear 
ice. Snow swirled in drifis over a deep- 
er layer of packed snow, white, untram- 
pled, except for animal tracks. Mrs. 
Gordon clapped on a pair of sunglasses 
and studied the frigid landscape. A for- 
midable wrought iron fence, inter- 
spersed with brick pillars, surrounded 
the grounds. There was no chain-link 
or razor wire, but the fence was tall and 
artistically deceptive. It was there for 
security. Freddy wheeled through the 
main gate and parked in the visitors’ 
lot. “Here we are at last, my dear, the 
bughouse. The snake pit. Vermin and 
reptiles abounding.” 

Mrs. Gordon’s throat was dry. 
don't know if сап go through with it. 

“Well, you simply must, dear heart. 
And let me say that this is yet anoth- 
er fine mess you've gotten us into!” 
Freddy grabbed the fruit basket from 
Mrs. Gordon's lap. "One more.” As he 
opened the door, a bitter crosswind 
hit him like a slap in the face. He pulled 
up the collar on his overcoat and 
cursed himself for not wearing a hat. 
Mrs. Gordon put her head down 
against the wind and followed, vainly 
attempting to preserve her hairdo. 

“Slow down," she said. “I'm wearing 
heels. I can't keep up with you. 

“Flash frozen,” Freddy said l. 
tica. It's like liquid nitrogen." 

A patient in a stocking cap and a 
Navy peacoat stopped Freddy to cadge 
a cigarette. Freddy shook off his gloves 
and pulled a pack of Kools from his 
pocket. He gave them to the man and 
said, "Keep them, buddy. I quit as of 
now. My New Year's resolution. 

Ar this, a very short man wearing an 
overcoat and a dark homburg came 
around from the side of a beige Elec- 
tra. His mustache was white with frost 
yet he seemed oblivious to the cold. 
‘The Buick had a flat and the two men 
were attempting to replace it with a 
mini spare. Now that he had been en- 
gaged, Freddy felt compelled to help 
them. He pulled on his gloves and re- 
placed the lug nuts on the wheel. The 
man in the peacoat tightened them 
with the lug wrench while Mrs. Gordon 
held her ears and winced. 

“Va-boom!” the short fellow said. His 
voice was deep and powerful. "Done. 
Ah-ho-yeah!" But as he let the jack 
down and the full w 
came to bear, the mi 
"Oh brother!" 
country coming to? Why can't they give 
you a real tire for a spare? I Anew this 
was going to happen. I'm calling a tow 
truck, Norman. This is intolerable!” 

(continued on page 140) 


“Antarc- 


“Grandpa? While the turkey's roasting, how "bout a quickie?” 


82 


ANIELLE HOUSE knows how to take it on the 

chin. Growing up in Newfoundland, Dan- 

ielle got bruised as a broomball goalie and 
banged up in backyard rock battles. But she always 
came back smiling. So it's no surprise to see that girl- 
ish grin even now, after her toughest test ever. "This 
has been a hell of a year,” she says, her golden eyes 
gleaming. "But it made me a stronger person." Only 
two months after winning the Miss Canada Interna- 
tional crown, Danielle was accused in October 1996 of 
hitting her ex-beau's girlfriend at a university bar in 
St. John's, where Danielle was studying nursing. And 


although she says her ex-boyfriend instigated the 
punch—“He grabbed my arm, I pulled back and she 
got struck"—she was convicted by a judge and 
stripped of her crown. But Danielle didn't get mad. 
She got an agent. Now, at the ripe age of 21, Danielle 
Although headlines tagged her as the “brawling beauty,” 
Danielle says, "I'm not a brute. 1 actually grew up a girly 
girl." Still, she is “flattered” thot cll the attention placed her 


in PLAYBOY. “People would say, ‘Watch, you'll end up in 
PLAYBOY wearing a tiara, boxing gloves and nothing else.” 


Miss Canad 
beats up rival 


In bar brawl 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


she lost her crown, 


but won control 


of hex life 


2 


MISS CANADA 


OTA > 


“I'm extremely self-conscious about 
my body,” says Donielle. “Sometimes, 
when I look at other women, I think 
that | don't really measure up.” As if, 
Danielle! We think you're a knockout. 


HAIR BY MATEO FOR CRISTOPHE SALON. BEVERLY HILLS 
MAKEUP BY ALEXIS VOGEL 
STYLING BY JENNIFER TUTOR 


88 


= у 


et + 


is chasing her modeling and acting dreams in the U.S. Yet 
she will пог let fame tarnish her northern values. Of part 
Inuit heritage—do not call her Eskimo—she firmly believes 
in stretching her resources. “You're not going to see me on 
a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive,” Danielle proclaims. “I 
pride myselfon bargain hunting. I love a good flea market.” 
She's also shopping for a new man. And it will not cost him 
a fortune, either. “If you want to impress me,” she says, “give 


Р, 


те a Franklin Mint doll and sit me down for a Star Trek 
marathon with a cheesecake by my side.” But don't expect 
Danielle to stay away from controversy for long. In tribute to 
her trapper culture, she wants to be the spokesmodel for the 
Canadian Fur Association. "It's my heritage and I’m proud 
of it," Danielle declares. And she's ready to take on the ani- 
mal rights activists. “After all I've been through,” she says, 


grinning, “I can survive anything." —JEFFREY A-SCHNAUFER 


he Normandy Plaza Hotel has the sad pretension of a faded beauty whose best days аге only a memory; It lies at the 
wrong end of Miami Beach, at Collins Avenue and 69th Street. The chic art deco hotels are a few miles south, on South 
Beach. The Normandy is garishly made up with a hot-pink exterior, purple trim and green awnings. 

The lobby of the Normandy, with its peeling linoleum floor, is barren except for two soda machines, a deserted met- 
al bar that hasn't served a martini or manhattan in decades and a few black-and-white photographs of Marilyn Monroe on 
the walls. Monroe once stayed at the Normandy. So did Clark Gable and Carole Lombard. The Normandy's most recent 

guest of note was Andrew Cunanan. He checked into the hotel on May 12 and left on July 14, the day before 
he murdered Gianni Versace. 
“He was so well mannered,” says Miriam Hernandez, the hotel manager. “He had а 
beautiful smile, and beautiful teeth.” 
Teeth are something Miriam would notice at the Normandy Plaza, whose 
guests tend to be missing teeth. Miriam herself is a soft-spoken Cuban 
woman with a sweet smile. She is about 60, with short gray hair 


ILLUSTRATION BY WILSON MCLEAN 


PLAYBOY 


worn like a stocking cap, and a faint 
mustache. She wears a chain with a 
cross around her neck. 

"Sometimes the guests make me feel 
afraid," says Miriam. “But he was nota 
rough person. He was very gentle and 
nice." À man who is drinking from a 
can of beer stops at her desk for his 
room key. Miriam opens the cabinet 
behind her to get it. A semiautomatic 
pistol hangs from a nail on the back of 
the cabinet door. 

Cunanan paid for his room in cash 
because the Normandy does not accept 
personal checks or credit cards. He did 
not give Miriam a $10 deposit to turn 
on his phone. He received no phone. 
calls, no visitors, no mail. He talked to 
no one. 

He never opened his curtains. He sat 
in his tiny room that smelled of Lysol 
and listened to the hum of his window 
air conditioner. He sat on a pink velvet 
chair at a kitchen table covered with. 
linoleum, or he lay on a pink-and-blue 
polyester bedspread. He never cooked 
on the tiny, dented, rusted Fifties stove. 
He went out during the day to buy fast 
food, perhaps a pizza, a sub, a McDon- 
ald's hamburger, and some fashion 
magazines or a gay porno magazine. 
He returned immediately to eat and 
read. After he ate, he slept. When 
he woke at night to take a shower, 
he turned on the fancer and ler the 
rust-colored water run out before he 
stepped in. After he dressed, he tidied 
up his room so neatly that the maid did 
not have to clean it. He went out late at 
night to Hombre and Twist and Liquid 
and Warsaw, gay bars and dance clubs 
on South Beach. He'd heard they were 
frequented by Versace. 

But Cunanan got his information 
wrong. His timing was bad. That was 
the old Versace. 

Versace lived four miles from the 
Normandy Plaza, on Ocean Drive, in 
Casa Casuarina, a restored 1930 Moor- 
ish castle patterned after the home of 
Christopher Columbus' son Diego in 
the Dominican Republic. It cost Ver- 
sace $2.9 million, and more than $30 
million to renovate in a style best de- 
scribed as gay baroque. 

Casa Casuarina is the home of a Ro- 
man emperor—a Nero, not a Caesar. It 
is all decadent excess. It is a confluence 
of influences (Greek and Roman, for 
starters), with busts of Cupid and Poca- 
hontas and Columbus and Confucius 
and Benito Mussolini. It is the mansion 
of a man whose philosophy of fash- 
jon was once summed up by his sister, 
Donatella, as, "Less is пог more. Less 
is less." He once spent $3 million in 
two hours on furnishings for his Miami 
home. He was so excited by how much 
he had spent that when he returned 
home, he said, "I started to dance. I 


wanted to kiss myself.” 

In many ways, Versace's mansion 
typifies South Beach, a bouillabaisse of 
people of every nationality, race, reli- 
gion and sexual persuasion. The dis- 
trict has a beach's laissez-faire lifestyle 
and a chic city's frenetic pace. At the 
same time there is palpable condescen- 
sion toward anyone considered to be 
without style or beauty, which are the 
only moral virtues here. 

Versace liked to throw lavish parties 
at Casa Casuarina for celebrity friends. 
There was no reason to leave his home 
at night, he once said, because it was 
the best place to be. He did occasional- 
ly venture out at night to a dance dub, 
but mostly he found his pleasure in 
South Beach during the daylight and 
early evening, on the beach and the 
sidewalks, in cafés and restaurants and 
shops. He liked South Beach, he said, 
because it was the only place where he 
could relax. He moved effortlessly and 
usually unnoticed through the heavy 
human traffic, day and night. 

“Everybody loves me,” Versace said, 
and in South Beach almost everyone 
did love him. Except on the day of the 
murder. Before Versace left his house, 
the surveillance camera at the News 
Café picked up the shadowy image of 
Andrew Cunanan hanging around on 
the sidewalk, as if he were waiting for 
someone. 


“South Beach was becoming what it 
is in 1988, three years before Versace 
came here,” says Jerry Powers, publish- 
er of Ocean Drive, the model and ce- 
lebrity magazine that chronicles the 
lives of South Beach's beautiful people. 

Powers is a balding man with thick 
eyebrows. He is someone else whose 
success is tied up with the life of the 
place. His first office, where he put to- 
gether the premiere issue of his maga- 
zine, was over the News Café. One 
morning he looked out his window and 
saw Versace sitting below at a table. He 
hurried downstairs to introduce him- 
selfto “the maestro” and ask him for an 
interview. Versace told him to contact 
his PR people, but when Powers did, 
they said the maestro was too busy. 

“I told Versace what they said,” says 
Powers, "and he said, 'Come to my ho- 
tel, I'll give you all the time you need.” 
Heeven got us Claudia Schiffer for our 
first cover." 

Conventional wisdom has it that Ver- 
sace came to South Beach to relax. But 
he did do business there. "He got in- 
spiration from the styles of the street 
kids," says Powers. "He saw the tans 
and the color of the water and the pas- 
tel colors of the buildings and it affect- 
ed him. Before, he used mostly pri- 
mary colors. And he could take it all 


in while letting his guard down. You 
know, in Italy they kidnap you for ran- 
som. But America is a violent society. 
We had 18 homicides in Miami during 
the week of Versace's murder." 

In the early Eighties South Beach 
was a decrepit stretch of crumbling de- 
co hotels inhabited by retirees waiting 
to die, crack dealers, Mariel boat peo- 
ple, a few surfer dudes and some brave 
people who wanted to live a pleasant 
life оп the beach. 

Then German photographers dis- 
coveredit as a beautiful, cheap locale to 
shoot their summer catalogs. They be- 
gan to bring in their models, some of 
whom stayed to live here. The models 
attracted men and art directors. Today 
there are 20 modeling agencies on the 
beach, and at any given time 4000 
young men and women work or wait to 
work as models. 

The Michele Pommier Building at 
81 Washington Avenue in South Beach 
is a silver art deco structure with a cir- 
cular entranceway of glass blocks. In- 
side there are floor-to-ceiling mirrors. 
Michele Pommier herself sits at a glass 
table and the walls around her are cov- 
ered with photographs of the beauti- 
ful people she represents. Pommier. a 
conventionally pretty woman of 50, 
opened her modeling agency in 1988. 
She says it was South Beach’s first 
agency and ir is certainly one of the 
most successful today. 

Pommier says the models were the 
founding settlers of this American Rivi- 
era. “Claudia Schiffer used to Roller- 
blade down Ocean Drive five years 
ago,” she says. Then came the clubs 
like Liquid and Bar None, the restau- 
rants like China Grill and the local 
magazines like Ocean Drive. 

“The magazines and the clubs find 
us,” says Pommier. “The girls don't get 
work because they're in Ocean Drive. 
Ocean Drive needs the models to exist, 
not the opposite. The same with the 
clubs.” And then, according to Pommi- 
er, came the celebrities. She included 
Versace in this list. “He introduced 
South Beach to the fashion world by 
making his home here,” says Pommier. 

Pommier's assistant enters the room 
with two mugs of coffee. She puts them 
down on the glass table. Pommier 
glares at the mugs, then at her assis- 
tant. “Don’t we have napkins?” she 
says. The assistant leaves and returns 
moments later with napkins. No one 
trifles with Pommier, especially not the 
models and the media. 

A few days later, at midnight, dozens 
of models crowd the VIP room of Bar 
None, waiting for Pommier to arrive. 
Most of the models are men. They lie 
back, insouciantly, on couches against 
the wall, deep in conversation. The wom- 
en stand around looking over their 


area 


oo 


p? 
o A 


ni 
E 


“Your gift has been wrapped by Victoria's Secret.” 


PIEZAZYARIOFT, 


94 


shoulders for celebrities. 

The malc models are all handsome. 
The female models arc exotic looking, 
but not conventionally pretty. They are 
dressed in retro outfits—short Qiana 
shirts that expose their navels, bell-bot- 
tom pants and platform shoes. They 
stand in that model's pose, stomach 
thrust forward, shoulders rounded like 
predatory birds on a branch. 

Actor Peter Weller, who is in Florida 
directing an Elmore Leonard movie, 
Gold Coast, is on hand, sitting unno- 
ticed in the VIP room. He stands, looks 
down at the bar, turns and waits for 
someone to recognize him. A model 
goes over to him and introduces her- 
self. They talk intimately, with their 
faces close. 

Well after midnight, a light appears 
at the entrance to Bar None. Pommier 
enters, followed by a television camera 
crew. The camera's light is so close to 
her face that she's the only person in 
the room who's clearly visible. "Extra 
[the TV show] has been filming me all 
night," she says. "First at the Forge, 
then at the China Grill, now here." 
She smiles. “See what happens when 
you put 'Michele Pommier on an 
invitation?" 

б 


“We're still trying to answer the 
question of how Cunanan went unde- 
tected during his time in Miami 
Beach,” says Alfred Boza, a Miami 
Beach Police Department detective 
and spokesman. “He was not moving. 
about with impunity. Someone at Mia- 
mi Subs recognized him and called us, 
but he was gone when we arrived. The 
problem is Miami Beach's congestion. 
Sixty percent of the people on the 
beach are not permanent residents. 
They're from Miami or New Zealand 
or wherever. The influx of strangers is 
so great and Cunanan's Jook was so 
average it was hard to pick him out. 
He fit the description of any number 
of Latins on the beach. In fact, we 
grabbed a guy at Versace's memorial 
service who turned out to be a Miami 
Herald reporter." 

. 


In the late afternoon sun, the beach 
is still crowded with sunbathers. Beau- 
tiful blonde and brunette women walk 
into the pale green water to cool off, 
then return to their blankets to sun- 
bathe topless in thong bikinis. An older 
man with a perfect tan and a dyed 
blond ponytail tosses a Frisbee to his 
skinny boyfriend at the water's edge. 
The old guy, too, is wearing a thong, 
exposing his small, drooping ass. 

Ocean Drive is crowded with exotic 
cars moving slowly north and south. 
The drivers and passengers lean out 


the windows and shout at pretty girls 
walking up the crowded sidewalk. The 
walkers stare at the people sitting at the 
outdoor café tables. The patrons stare 
back. Staring at people is the major ac- 
tivity on South Beach. It is less a place 
ofconversation than itis a place to wor- 
ship beauty. 

At Wet Willie's, boys in bathing suits 
that show off their chiseled abs (chis- 
eled abs for boys are big їп South 
Beach), and their girlfriends in low-cut 
bikinis that show off their tiny waists 
and navels (navels for girls are big in 
South Beach), are getüng rowdy as 
they drink. The girls sit on their boy- 
friends' laps, kicking up their legs and 
laughing loudly. Their boyfriends nuz- 
zle their necks, shout from table to 
table and yell into their cell phones. 

A little farther south, the outdoor ta- 
bles of Café Milano are filled with a 
more chic clientele in their late 20s and 
early 30s. The crowd is dressed stylish- 
ly in Seventies retro for a late lunch. 
Café Milano is the kind of place An- 
drew Cunanan would have frequent- 
ed, before he fell on hard times and 
had to eat subs in his room at the Nor- 
mandy Plaza. 

Inside, the restaurant's darkly wood- 
ed dining room is deserted, except for 
a few waiters in yellow shirts, sitting 
at a table, speaking Italian. The walls 
around them are decorated with faux 
Picasso prints and drawings. 

"We opened in 1990," says Milano's 
owner, Massimo Barracca. " Versace 
was our first customer. He ate maca- 
roni with mozzarella, tomatoes, basil 
and extra virgin olive oil. He would sit 
at a table with friends. Only at lunch. 
He wasa lunch person, nota night per- 
son. He could go to late-night dubs in 
any city. He loved South Beach because 
it has such a large gay community. He 
could be himself here. He was accepted 
as a normal person. He felt free here. 
There's no real gay community in Italy. 
South Beach is just a village, though, 
like Italy in a lot of vays. A little city 
on the beach. It reminded Versace of 
Italy.” 

Atthe News Café, the sidewalk tables 
are filled with beautiful people and 
tourists who stare at the beautiful peo- 
ple. Inside, however, the small bar is 
deserted except for a gray-bearded 
man in a Hawaiian shirt watching 
Oprah on the television over the bar. 
Oprah's guest is Madonna, dressed in a 
pale-blue suit that makes her look frag- 
ile, like a suburban mother. It’s a look 
Madonna has cultivated ever since her 
daughter, Lourdes, was born. 

“So tell me,” says Oprah. “What are 
you going to teach Lourdes about 
men?” 

Madonna giggles like a girl, and 
blushes. The audience hoots, laughs 


and applauds. 

A waitress walks by the TV and stops. 
“Oh, look! Madonna! I served her last 
weck." 

Oprah says, "What do you have to 
say about Dennis Rodman?" 

The audience whoops and applauds 
and shrieks again. Madonna, looking 
quite stern now, waits until the noise 
dies down before she says, "I have no 
respect for a man who kisses and tells." 
The audience applauds her answer. 
People must have forgouen her docu- 
mentary, Truth or Dare, in which Ma- 
donna exposes the foibles of her 
friends and her then lover, Warren 
Beatty. 

Madonna was a friend of Versace's. 
They used to alternate New Year's Eve 
parties every year. One year, Versace 
sent only ten invitations to Madonna 
and she was insulted. So she boycotted 
the party. 

The Versace Boutique is around the 
corner from the News Café. It is often 
deserted, except for a few muscleboys 
dressed in black, who stand with their 
arms folded across their chests at each 
of the four corners inside the store. 
They look like bodyguards, but what. 
are they guarding? Versace's baroque 
prints? 

Versace's reputation as an outra- 
geous, risk-taking designer isn't really 
accurate. He was not a daring designer, 
but a timid one. His designs were de- 
rivative, influenced by classical Greek 
and Roman designs right down to his 
trademark Medusa's head. They were 
mathematically and geometrically plot- 
ted out, as ifby an engineer. They were 
balanced, a rose on the left breast, an 
identical rose on the right breast. Then 
Versace colored them in with primary 
colors in the manner of a child compul- 
sively unable to color outside the lines. 
Versace was a structured man, at least 
in his work, and, his friends say, in his 
life, too. That may be why he loved 
South Beach. It is unstructured. It is all 
soft edges blurring into one another. 
Its colors are muted pastels that bleed 
one into another. Life on South Beach 
is blurred with people of every class 
and race mingling in the same clubs 
and restaurants like paella, until they 
all become one. 


“Tl bet everyone loves your hair,” 
says Kevin, as he snips and cuts. 

“Why?” asks the silver-haired man in 
his 50s. 

“It’s so thick and soft," says Kevin. 
Snip. Snip. 

“Yeah, but it’s gray.” 

“Oh, I have boys come in here all the 
time and ask me to put silver in their 
hair. It's to die for.” 

(continued on page 215) 


qe Guide = | 


"TIS THE SEASON FOR EXTRAVAGANCE” 


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Above: If you want a bike for Christmas from a company that took a bronze medal at the 1996 Olympics, wish for the Hot- 
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three handcrafted watches (a chronometer, a chronograph and a world timer; $5295) that pays tribute to pioneering avi- 
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Kawasaki's all-new Prairie 400 4x4 ATV 
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Montana as it is in the Louisiana Bayou. 
The automatic power-drive system en- 
ables you to simply select the high or low 
range and punch the throttle. Look, 
Santa—no shifting! Under the hood 

is a 27-horsepower liquid-cooled 
engine. 


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ebony fingerboard and Clapton's signature inlaid in mother-of-pearl ($3500, including a cose). Above right: Holland & 
Holland's eight-little-pewter-cups-in-a-row come in a leather carrying case (5290). Tote them with a bottle of Bowmore 
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low: Fine Art Models builds this 1:6 scale Туре 35B Bugatti exact in every detail, from spark plugs thal con be unscrewed to 
brakes that work to a wood steering wheel. On the engine's firewall there's even а miniature plate with a serial number 
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Sony's new Super Steady АЙ, 


landycam is no bigger than a EJ 
yet it will shoot up to 90 minutes їп LP 
Че and features a 2%-їпєһ color LCD 
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WHERE 4 HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 195. 


100 


[I & 


rnest Hemingway in 1952 pub- 

lished in Life magazine a long 

short story called “The Old Man 

and the Sea.” It was about a 

Cuban fisherman who hadn't 
caught anything for 84 days. The 
Cuban hooked an enormous marlin 
He killed it and lashed it alongside his 
little boat. Before he could get it to 
shore, though, sharks bit off all the 
meat on the skeleton. 

I was living in Barnstable Village on 
Cape Cod when the story appeared. I 
asked a neighboring commercial fish- 
erman what he thought of it. He said 
the hero was an idiot. He should have 
hacked off the best chunks of meat and 
put them in the bottom of the boat, and 
left the rest of the carcass for the 
sharks. 

It could be that the sharks Heming- 
way had in mind were critics who 
hadn't much liked his first novel in ten 
years, Across the River and Into the Trees, 
published two years earlier. As far as I 
know, he never said so. But the marlin 
could have been that novel. 

And then I found myself in the win- 
ter of 1996 the creator ofa novel which 
did not work, which had no point, 
which had never wanted to be written 
in the first place. Merde! 1 had spent 
nearly a decade on that ungrateful 
fish, if you will. It wasn't even fit for 
shark chum. 

I had recently turned 73. My mother 
made it to 52, my father to 72. Hem- 
ingway almost made it to 62. 1 had 
lived too long! What was I to do? 

Answer: Fillet the fish. Throw the 
rest away. 

The premise of the novel, titled 
Timequake One, was that a timequake, a 
sudden glitch in the space-time contin- 
uum, made everybody and everything 
do exactly what they'd done during a 
past decade, for good or ill, a second 


one of the world's 
most imaginative 
writers says this is 


his last invention 


fiction by 


LLUSTRATION BYISTVAN BANYAI 


PLAYBOY 


102 


time. It was déjà vu that wouldn't quit 
for ten long years. You couldn't com- 
plain about life's being nothing but old 
stuff, or ask if just you were going nuts 
or if everybody was going nuts. 

There was absolutely nothing you 
could say during the rerun if you 
hadn't said it the first time through the 
decade. You couldn't even save your 
own life or that of a loved one if you 
had failed to do that the first time 
through. 

1 had the timequake zap everybody 
and everything in an instant from Feb- 
ruary 13th, 2001 back to February 
17th, 1991. Then we all had to get back 
to 2001 the hard way, minute by 
minute, hour by hour, year by year, 
betting on the wrong horse again, mar- 
rying the wrong person again, getting 
the dap again. You name it! 

Only when people got back to when 
the timequake hit did they stop being 
robots of their pasts. As the old science 
fiction writer Kilgore Trout said, “Only 
when free will kicked in again could 
they stop running obstacle courses of 
their own construction.” 

Trout doesn't really exist. He has 
been my alter ego in several of my oth- 
er novels. But most of what I have cho- 
sen to preserve from Timequake One has 
todo with his adventures and opinions. 
1 have salvaged a few of the thousands 
of stories he wrote between 1931, when 
he was 14, and 2001, when he died at 
the age of 84. A hobo for much of his 
life, he died in luxury in the Ernest 
Hemingway Suite of the writers’ re- 
treat Xanadu in the summer resort vil- 
lage of Point Zion, Rhode Island. 
That's nice to know. 

His very first story, he told me as he 
was dying, was set in Camelot. the 
court of King Arthur in Britain: Merlin 
the Court Magician casts a spell that al- 
lows him to equip the Knights of the 
Round Table with Thompson subma- 
chine guns and drums of .45-caliber 
dumdums. 

Sir Galahad, the purest in heart and 
mind, familiarizes himself with this 
new virtue-compelling appliance. 
While doing so, he puts a slug through 
the Holy Grail and makes Swiss cheese 
of Queen Guinevere. 

б 


Неге is what Тгош said when he re- 
alized that the ten-year rerun was over, 
that he and everybody else were sud- 
denly obligated to think of new stuff to 
do, to be creative again: "Oh, Lordy! I 
am much too old and experienced to 
start playing Russian roulette with free 
will again." 

Yes, and I myself was a character in 


Timequake One, making a cameo ap- 
pearance at a clambake on the beach at 
the writers” retreat Xanadu in the sum- 
mer of 2001, six months after the end 
of the rerun, six months after free will 
kicked in again. 

I was there with several fictitious 
persons from the book, including Kil- 
gore Trout. I was privileged to hear the 
old, long-out-of-print science fiction 
writer describe for us, and then 
demonstrate, the special place of. 
Earthlings in the cosmic scheme of 
things. 

In Timequake One, Kilgore Trout 
wrote a story about an atom bomb. Be- 
cause of the timequake, he had to write 
it twice. The ten-year rerun following 
the timequake, remember, made him 
and me, and you, and everybody else, 
do everything we'd done from Febru- 
ary 17th, 1991, to February 13th, 2001, 
a second time. 

Trout didn't mind writing it again. 
Rerun or not, he could tune out the 
crock of shit being alive was as long as 
he was scribbling, head down, with a 
ballpoint pen on a yellow legal pad. 

He called the story "No Laughing 
Matter.” He threw it away before any- 
body else could see it, and then had to 
throw it away again during the rerun. 
At the clambake at the end of Timequake 
One, in the summer of the year ZUUL, 
after free will kicked in again, Trout 
said this about all the stories he had 
torn to pieces and flushed down toilets, 
or tossed into trash-strewn vacant lots, 
or whatever: “Easy come, easy go.” 

“No Laughing Matter” got its title 
from what a judge in the story said 
during a top-secret court-martial of the 
crew of the American bomber Joy's 
Pride, on the Pacific island of Banalu- 
lu, one month after the end of World 
War Two. 

Joys Pride itself was perfectly OK, and 
in a hangar there on Banalulu. It was 
named in honor of the pilot’s mother, 
Joy Peterson, a nurse in obstetrics at a 
hospital in Corpus Christi, Texas. Pride 
had a double meaning. It meant self- 
respect. It meanta lion family, too. 

Here's the thing: After an atom 
bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, and 
then another one was dropped on Na- 
gasaki, Joys Pride was ordered to drop 
yet another one on Yokohama, on a 
couple of million “little yellow bas- 
tards.” The litte yellow bastards were 
called “little yellow bastards” back 
then. It was wartime. Trout described 
the third atom bomb like this: “A pur- 
ple motherfucker as big as a boiler in 
the basement of a midsize junior high 
school.” 

It was too big to fit inside the bomb 


bay. It was slung underneath the 
plane's belly, and cleared the runway 
by a foot when Joy's Pride took off into 
the wild blue yonder. 

As the plane neared its target, the pi- 
lot mused out loud on the intercom 
that his mother, the obstetrics nurse, 
would be a celebrity back home after 
they did what they were about to do 
The bomber Enola Gay, and the woman 
in whose honor it was named, had be- 
come as famous as movie stars after it 
dropped its load on Hiroshima. Yoko- 
hama was twice as populous as Hiroshi- 
ma and Nagasaki combined. 

The more the pilot thought about it, 
though, the surer he was that his sweet 
widowed mother could never tell re- 
Porters she was happy that her son’s 
airplane had killed a world’s record 
number of civilians all at once. 

. 


Trout's story reminds me of the time 
my late great-aunt Emma Vonnegut 
said she hated the Chinese. Her late 
son-in-law Kerfuit Stewart, who used 
to own Stewart's Book Store in 
Louisville, Kentucky, admonished her 
that it was wicked to hate that many 
people all at once. 

Whatever. 

The crewmen aboard Joy's Pride, at 
any rate, told the piloton the intercom 
that they felt much as he did. They 
were all alone up there in the sky. They 
didn’t need a fighter escort, since the 
Japanese didn't have any airplanes left. 
The war was over, except for the pa- 
perwork, which was arguably the situa- 
tion even before Enola Gay had cremat- 
ed Hiroshima. 

To quote Kilgore Trout: “This wasn't 
war anymore, and neither had been 
the obliteration of Nagasaki. This was 
‘Thanks to the Yanks for a job well 
done!’ This was show biz now.” 

Trout said in “No Laughing Matter” 
that the pilot and his bombardier had 
felt somewhat godlike on previous mis- 
sions, when they had had nothing 
more than incendiaries and conven- 
tional high explosives to drop on peo- 
ple. “But that was godlike with a little 
g” he wrote. “They identified them- 
selves with minor deities who only 
avenged and destroyed. Up there in 
the sky all alone, with the purple moth- 
erfucker slung underneath their plane, 
they felt like the Boss God himself, who 
had an option which hadn't been theirs 
before, which was to be merciful.” 

Trout himself had been in World 
War Two, but not as an airman and not 
in the Pacific. He had been a forward 
observer for the Army field artillery in 

(continued on page 112) 


“UPS? Santa Claus speaking. Could у do some 
emergency deliveries for me tonight?" 


THE HisTor] of THE OSM 


A MIDSUMMER’S NIGH+ EVE Let Shem Eat Cheesecake 
Blame it on the snake. Thanks to him, our formerly Ladies of France played peekaboob—a hint of nipple 
nude first lady began hiding her forbidden fruit (left). above one’s corset was the way fo distract a guy from 
Payback came when Saint Patrick kicked serpent tail a lack of shower time (above). The trend ended when 
and said the immortal words, “Erin, go braless!” Marie Antoinette went completely topless in 1793. 


A LOVING LOOK AT THE UNDERGARMENT THAT UPLIFTS THE HUMAN SPIRIT 


imply put, the bra is a cradle of civilization. From the trim engineering of the ancient Roman strophia to the armored 
N corsets of the Victorian era, the humble undergarment gives us a bird's-eye view of how various cultures treated their 
hidden mysteries. The search for its origin lends a bit of bounce to anthropology and keeps history students perky 
and upright. The bra has served alternately as a tool of seduction, a symbol of modesty and a means of support (especially 
when used by a stripper). At one point, the best bra was considered no bra at all. Now it’s come fulsome circle. Today a 
good bra is something to behold—and something to be held, caressed and cast off. Over the years, we've gathered 
mounds of data on the subject. Here, then, is an illustrated chronicle in which we suspend our most firmly held beliefs. 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY BYRON NEWMAN 


PRODUCTION AND STYLING BY BRIGITTEARIEL 
MAKEUP AND HAIR BY PATTI BURRIS 


WARDROBE BY SLIM BARRETT, LONDON 


THE JAZZ SWINGERS Victory Over Cs 


Hot and fast were the catchwords in the Roaring їп the Forties the war effort created a shortage of silk 
Twenties when it came to Prohibition partywear (left). апа nylon, and women had to resort to gingham 
Looking back at the excuses that they used for bras Maidenforms. Gung-ho GIs with eyes on the front found 


adds new meaning to the term flappers. cotton offered delightfully weak defenses (above). 


Er 


PROPS AND WARDROBE FROM SPARKLE MOORE AT THE CIRLCAN T HEI 


SWEET CHASTITY 

The bra was o chastity belt for the chest during the Fifties (left). Until the arrival of a magazine called PLAYBOY, 
hot-rodders didn’t know if breasts were round or square. Bras were loaded with straps, wires, snaps and hooks. 
By the time you figured out the combination lock on your girlfriend's bra, the Fifties had turned into the Sixties. 


See Baty, Buen 


Hat’s off to the guy who invented women's lib. Into the fire went these symbols of patriarchal oppression (above). Chicks 
flaunted their freedom on the steps of the Stock Exchange ond on the floor of a VW bus, But it was too good to be true. 
Women missed the one thing that never let them down, and the age of free sex gave way to a new era of seduction. 


Fuñiky Punk 

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"Her body was in our basement," said Trout, “but 
all I knew was that she had disappeared." 


Europe, a lieutenant with binoculars 
and a radio, up with the Infantry or 
even ahead of it. He would tell batter- 
ies to the rear where their shrapnel ог 
white phosphorus might help a lot. 

He himself had certainly not been 
merciful, nor, by his own account, had 
he ever felt he should have been. I 
asked him at the clambake in 2001, at 
the writers’ retreat Xanadu, what he'd 
done during the war, which he called 
“civilization's second unsuccessful at- 
tempt to commit suicide." 

He said without a scintilla of regret, 
"I made sandwiches of German sol- 
diers between an erupting Earth and 
an exploding sky, and in a blizzard of 
razor blades." 

The pilot of Joy's Pride made a U- 
turn way up in the sky. The purple 
motherfucker was still slung under- 
neath. The pilot headed back for Ba- 
nalulu. “Не did it," wrotc Trout, "bc- 
causc that is what his mother would 
have wanted him to do." 

At the top-secret court-martial after- 
ward, everybody was convulsed with 
laughter at one point in the proceed- 
ings. This caused the chief judge to 
bang his gavel and declare that what 
those on trial had done was "no laugh- 
ing matter." What people found so fun- 
ny was the prosecutor's description of 
what people did at the base when Joys 
Pride came in for a landing with the 
purple motherfucker only a foot above 
the tarmac. People jumped out of win- 
dows. They peed in their pants. 

"There were all kinds of collisions 
between different kinds of vehicles,” 
wrote Kilgore Trout. 

No sooner had the judge restored 
order, though, than a huge crack 
opened in the floor of the Pacific 
Ocean. It swallowed Banalulu, court- 
. Joy's Pride, unused atom bomb 


‘Trout said at the clambake in 2001 
that life was undeniably preposterous. 
“But our brains are big enough to let 
us adapt to the inevitable pratfalls and 
buffoonery,” he went on, “by means of 
man-made epiphanies like this one.” 
He meant the clambake on a beach un- 
der a starry sky. “If this isn't nice, what 
is?" he said. 

He declared the corn on the cob, 
steamed in seaweed with lobsters and 
dams, to be heavenly. He added, “And 
don’t all the ladies look like angels 


tonight!” He was feasting on corn on 
the cob and women as ideas. He 
couldn't eat the corn because the up- 
per plate of his false tecth was insecure. 
His long-term relationships with wom- 
en had been disasters. In the only love 
story he ever attempted, “Kiss Me 
Again,” he had written, “There is no 
way a beautiful woman can live up to 
what she looks like for any appreciable 
length of time.” 

The moral of that story is this: “Men 
are jerks. Women are psychotic. 

I wouldn't have missed the Great De- 
pression or my part in World War Two 
for anything. Trout asserted at the 
clambake that our war would live for- 
ever in show biz, as other wars would 
not, because of the uniforms of the 
Nazis. 

He commented unfavorably on the 
camouflage suits our own gencrals 
wear nowadays on TV, when they de- 
scribe our blasting the bejesus out of 
some Third World country because of 
petroleum. “I can't imagine,” he said, 
“any part of the world where such gar- 
ish pajamas would make a soldier less 
rather than more visible. 

“We are evidently preparing,” he 
said, “to fight World War Three in the 
midst of an enormous Spanish 
omelette.” 


I told Kilgore Trout at the dambake 
in 2001 about how my brother and sis- 
ter had made Father ashamed of hunt- 
ing and fishing. Trout quoted Shake- 
speare: “‘How sharper than a serpent's 
tooth it is to have a thankless child!" 

"Trout was self-educated, never hav- 
ing finished high school. I was mildly 
surprised, then, that he could quote 
Shakespeare. I asked ifhe had commit- 
ted a lot of that remarkable author's 
words to memory. He said, "Yes, dear 
colleague, including a single sentence 
which describes life as lived by human 
beings so completely that no writer af 
ter need ever have written another 
word. 

"Which sentence was that, Mr. 
Trout?” I asked. 

And he said, “АП the world's a stage, 
and all the men and women merely 
players.” 

I asked him at Xanadu in the sum- 
mer of 2001 how "Ting-a-ling" had be- 
come such a frequent appoggiatura, or 


grace note, in his conversations. He 
gave me what would later turn out to 
have beena superficial explanation. “It 
was something 1 crowed during the 
war,” he said, “when an artillery bar- 
rage I'd called for landed right on tar- 
get: “Ting-a-ling! Ting-a-ling!’” 

About an hour later, and this was on 
the afternoon before the clambake, he 
beckoned me into his suite with a 
crooked finger. He closed the door be- 
hind us. “You really want to know 
about "Ting-a-ling?" he asked me. 

I had been satisfied with his first ac- 
count. Trout was the one who wanted 
me to hear much more. My innocent 
question earlier had triggered memo- 
ries of his ghastly childhood in 
Northampton. He could exorcise them 
only by telling what they were. 

“My father murdered my mother,” 
said Kilgore Trout, “when I was 12 
years old. 

“Her body was in our basement,” 
said Trout, “but all I knew was that she 
had disappeared. Father swore he had 
no idea what had become of her. He 
said, as wife murderers often do, that 
maybe she had gone to visit relatives. 
He killed her that morning, after I left 
for school. 

“He got supper for the two of us that 
night. Father said he would report her 
as a missing person to the police the 
next morning, if we hadn't heard from 
her by then. He said, ‘She has been 
very tired and nervous lately. Have you 
noticed that?" 

"He was insane," said Trout. "How 
insane? He came into my bedroom at 
midnight. He woke me up. He said he 
had something important to tell me. It 
was nothing but a dirty joke, but this 
poor, sick man had come to believe it a 
parable about the awful blows that life 
had dealt him. It was about a fugitive 
who sought shelter from the police in 
the home of a woman he knew. 

“Нег living room had a cathedral 
ceiling, which is to say it went all the 
way up to the roof peak, with rustic 
rafters spanning the airspace below." 
‘Trout paused. It was as though he were 
as caught up in the tale as his father 
must have been. 

He went on, there in the suite 
named in honor of the suicide Ernest 
Hemingway: "She was a widow, and he 
stripped himself naked while she went 
to fetch some of her husband's clothes. 
But before he could put them on, the 
police were hammering on the front 
door with their billy clubs. So the fugi- 
tive hid on top of a rafter. When the 
woman let in the police, though, his 

(continued on page 210) 


WRITTEN BY STEVE BARKER 
ART BY STEVE BOSWICK 


ORIGINAL CHARACTERS 
DRAWN BY MIKE JUDGE 


STRICKLAND PROPANE. 
“TASTE THE MEAT, NOT 
THE HEAT." 


HANK, THIS IS HUGH 
"HEF" HEFNER. I NEED YOU 
TO COME TO THE PLAYBOY 
MANSION RIGHT AWAY! 


WHAT? DON'T YOU HAVE 
SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN RUNNING 
AROUND THERE, ALL NAKED 
AND WHATNOT? 


ABSOLUTELY 
NOT! 


HANK, THIS ISNT I'M THROWING A BIG BARBECUE 
ABOUT NAKED WOMEN. | [4 TONIGHT, AND MY GRILL IS ON THE 
IT'S ABOUT PROPANE. , FRITZ! THINK YOU CAN FIX IT, 


GREAT! YOUR. 
ASSISTANTS 
ARE ALREADY 


113 


YEAH MAN, TELLYOUWHUT: DANG OL’ 
НЕР... HOT 'N' COLD RUNNIN’ 
BUNNIES ... PASS THE CHIPS, MAN. 


THAT OUGHT TO DO THE 

JOB. WELL JUST KEEP AN 

EYE ON THIS REGULATOR 
HERE, GUYS. 


(t 
0) 7l 
A 


НІ, HANDSOME. 
WANT TO 


WHAT ? ME? 
V оңко,тсолычттм 
MARRIED. TO MY WIFE. 
ANYWAY, I HAVE TO 
CONTROL THE PROPANE. 


114 


HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM. 
YOUR LINE'S TOO SMALL. 
I COULD RUN A NEW MAIN 
TO HANDLE THE GRILL, 
THE GROTTO JACUZZI, 


JUST GET 
EVERYTHING READY. 
I GOTTA PICK OUT 
SOME PAJAMAS FOR = 
THE PARTY TONIGHT. A тү 


WHAT ARE YOU DOING 
IN HEF'S KOI POND ? 
THOSE FISH ARE PETS ! 
MAN! DANG OL’ 
CARP... JUMPIN IN MY 
LAP... NO LIMIT, МАМ... 


CONTROLS ALL THE 
PROPANE. 


O0000H! HE MUST 
BE WORTH BILLIONS ! 


MEANWHILE . .7 


HMMM. NOW WHY WOULD 
ANY NORMAL HUMAN BEING 
NEED THREE DISHES ? UNLESS. 
THEY WERE PART OF THE CIA ? 
OR THE TRILATERAL COMMISSION? 
THE ROSICRUCIANS ? THE 
DAIRY COUNCIL? 


JUST A TRIM 
NOW. RIGHT, 


JUST RELAX, 
MR. KING. 
THIS IS MY 
SPECIALTY. 


TELLYOUWHUT, MAN, DANG 
OL' FISH РВУ... ADD THEM 
ONIONS .. - HUSH PUPPY POWDER. 


DOGGONE GOOD EATIN . .. TEACH 


А MAN TO FISH, MAN. 


А WORD EITHER, BUT 
THE WAY HE SAYS ІТ, 
HES SO... MMM, SEXY 


BUT, HANK, ENERGY IS SO 
VOLATILE ! HOW DO YOU 
CONTROL THE FLUCTUATIONS ? 


WELL, RIGHT NOW 
IMDOINGIT MYSELF. THE 
REGULATOR DOESN'T WORK! 


ERZ 


ОН МАМ! THIS IS THE BIG ONE ! THEY'RE 
COMMUNICATING TO THEIR MINIONS THROUGH 
Е5РМ2 SATELLITES ! THE CONSPIRACY TO 


END ALL CONSPIRACIES ! 


WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE 
TWIST YOU DIDNT COUNT ON, 
COMRADES ! 


CHECK OUT THAT 
T-SHIRT! ITS 
SO SIMPLE, SO CLASSIC, 
SO... FRUIT OF THE 


_ DID THAT FOR ME. 


HE'S IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF 
THE ENERGY MARKET ! 
SELL ALL MY SHARES OF 
MICROSOFT AND BUY, BUY, BUY! 
YES, EVERYTHING IN PROPANE ! 


MASS YOUR TROOPS ALONG 
THE BORDER, GENERAL. 


116 


MY MANSION! Y MR. HEF, IT'S ALL 
MY RIGHT. YOUR FAMILY 
LOVED ONES ! A 


NO, MY OTHER 
LOVED ONES . .. FORTY 
YEARS OF PLAYBOY 
PICTURES! 


GEE, HEF, I'M REALLY SORRY. 
I MEAN, WELL, YOU'VE 
STILL GOT YOUR 


DANG ОГ RACKET... 
HURT MY EARS, MAN .. 
CANT SLEEP... 


THAT'S RIGHT, 
HONEY. 
TELLYOUWHUT .. . 


A LITTLE REMODELING 
ANYWAY. MAYBE AN 
ALL-ELECTRIC MANSION. 


GOOD! THEY'RE GONE! 
THAT LITTLE SNEAKY MAN ALMOST 
UNCOVERED OUR PLAN FOR 
WORLD DOMINATION! 
NOW... WHERE WERE WE? 


FIXING ENERGY PRICES, 
CHOOSING THE NEXT POPE, 
STARTING THE WAR IN CANADA 
.- - AND PICKING THE 
PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR | 


omen BORING 


women are going to war in the ring. why do they brawl, and why do guys watch? 


article by AMY HANDELSMAN 


HADCRUISED by the place a thousand times 
on my way to work, and I was always put 
off by its garishness. And no matter how 
late I drove home it was open. Twenty- 
four hours a day? It had to be nefarious, 

illicit. One night, stopped at a traffic light, 1 glanced up at 

the third-floor windows, where a neat row of red leather 
gloves beckoned. When the light changed 1 pulled over 
and parked. 

The Hollywood Boxing Gym is a large, mirrored, one- 
room arena, airy and bright—a world apart from the tat- 
tooed, muscle-bound weight lifters who grunt below. It is 
run by Terry Claybon, master charmer and motivator, 
whose sly blend of jive, affection and discipline has won 
him a large and loyal following. 1 didn't know that then, of 
course. I knew only that I stepped into the room and was 
greeted with, “What is really goin' on," and felt that I had 
found a home. 

An unlikely home, to be sure. I'm a writer and produc- 


ег, a former development executive. I have a degree from 
Harvard in art history. My first and only brush with box- 
ing had been 12 years before at the old Gramercy Gym in 
New York, a third-floor walk-up just off Union Square. 
Saturday mornings Norman Mailer rented the place for 
himself and a coterie of disciples, down-at-the-heels, 
overeducated types somewhere along in their first novels 
who were relieved to be doing something so concrete. 
"That was the Eighties. Twelve years later 1 was in be- 
tween sports, past my obsessions with running, horseback 
riding, hip-hop dance classes and Rollerblading. I was 
getting jittery and fat. I was ready for something new. 
With Terry as tutor I boxed three times a week, at seven 
in the morning. My friends were astonished. In the past, 
only an early morning flight could get me up at that 
hour. I'd have gone every day, if I could. I was hooked. I 
got sleeker and stronger. The blinding headaches from 
overexertion stopped. I worked harder at this sport than 
I had at any other, and it required more, in terms of 


ILLUSTRATION BY KADIR NELSON 


117 


118 


Women battling women: The two-day final of the New York Gold- 
en Gloves at Madison Square Garden (top three photos) featured 
21 women in 11 weight closses. This was only the third year 
women fought alongside men. At the first-ever Women's National 
Championships in Augusta, Georgia, 66 boxers competed. The 
winners (bottom) flaunt their belts. Says Garden referee Danny 
Gant: “Women are the most dangerous things in the universe.” 


power, coordination, speed, 
stamina, timing, rhythm and 
balance. And because of Terry, it 
was more fun. 

Terry gives his advanced stu- 
dents monikers like real prize- 
fighters’. We were Speedy, Smil- 
ey, Tiny, Hercules, Pit Bull, 
Slasher, Big Bad Dan and Won- 
der Woman. My friend Jordan 
was Mr. Clean. He wore a ban- 
danna and hoop earrings, and 
washed out his wraps every 
night with rubbing alcohol. The 
boy who teased me unmercifully 
was Mr. Cool. Fast, clever, elu- 
sive, stylish, I became Miss Slick. 
No pet name sounded sweeter. 

When the rest of my life—ca- 
reer, romance—got bumpy, I 
took great comfort in boxing’s rituals: the careful wrapping 
of the hands, the manners and sportsmanship of the ring. 
The routine of the workouts, from jumping rope to shadow- 
boxing to working the heavy bag, double-end bag and speed 
bag to doing sit-ups, saved me from having to plan or think. 
Time was clearly marked, in three-minute intervals. I could 
always count on a one-minute rest. As strenuous as it was, it 
was also simple and direct, which are values in short supply 
in Hollywood. 

I became a student of the game, devouring books, watch- 
ing fight films, collecting magazines and catalogs. I pored 
over old boxing photographs as if they were ancient runes, 
startled by my deep longing and nostalgia 

Last spring I timed a long trip to my native New York to 
coincide with the finals of thar city's Golden Gloves, the na- 
tion’s largest regional amateur tournament, sponsored each 
year by the Daily News. 1 wanted to see where I fit in this new 
world and who else had my obsession. 

А smattering of women have boxed professionally for 
years, but it wasn’t until 1993, when 16-year-old Dallas Mal- 
loy of Bellingham, Washington sued U.S. Amateur Boxing, 
that women were accepted into the amateur ranks. More 
than 800 women are currently registered with the associa- 
tion, which is the national governing body for Olympic-style 
boxing. Across the country, women are moving into sweaty 
gyms for the real deal. Among the finalists in the 1997 New 
York Gloves were an accountant, a dancer, a grammar 
school teacher, a corrections officer, an attorney, a bus driver, 
a photo-lab operator and a nurse. 

. 


Annie Vitiello, an HBO ad- 
ministratar, won the 1995 
New Yark Golden Gloves 
in the 112-pound division. 


On the first night of the finals, I sneak through the back 
corridors of Madison Square Garden and linger at the 
threshold of the locker room, peering in at my heroines. 
Eleven women, ages 20 to 33, are perched on top ofa long 
serving table, waiting for their weigh-in. They are of various 
shapes—sleek, stocky, rangy, squat, willowy, fat—and are 
lined up from smallest to largest. They sit in their under- 
wear. Some wear white cotton briefs pulled up to their waist- 
lines, others wear lacy bikinis or thongs. 

"Their feet dangle from the table. This is the last time they 
will all be together, and they speak sofily to one another. 
They shouldn't—it's bad luck—but the fight doctor is late 
for their exams and they are curious and bored 

For some, tonight's will be their first bouts in the tourna- 
ment. With so few women registered in the Gloves, those in 
certain weight classes have advanced untested past the quar- 
terfinals and semifinals. One is Laura Schere, a gamine, 112- 
pound editorand Ph.D. candidate in cultural studies. Laura 

(continued on page 122) 


Puro 


25 


2/ 


“That's very nice, Mr. Scrooge. Do you have it in a 
medium or a large?” 


119 


THE TWELVE CI 


a 


ГПМ 
GUT ДА) 


DS OF CHR 


THEY MAY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE FROM 
OUTER SPACE, BOT THESE ELECTRONIC MARVELS PERFORM 
IN WAYS THAT ARE ANYTHING BOT ALIEN 


A^ 


DISTMAS 


(1) Motorola's wireless Voice 
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The clamshell Quolcomm Q di 
ital cell phone also operates as 
an alphanumeric pager (about 


$500). (3) ET. wouldn't have 
stayed lost for long if he'd tot- 
ed Mogellon Systems' GSC 100 
globol satellite communicator, o 
portable device that con send 
and receive text messoges vio 
e-mail onywhere in the world 
(about $1500). (4) It was de- 


signed for students, but post- 
grads are also chomping at the 
Apple eMate 300, a mobile com- 
puter with five applications that's 
wrapped up in on eye-cotching 
molded-plostic-and-steel 
chassis that can toke rough treot- 
ment (about $750). (5) The 
01000 Digital Voice Recorder by 
Olympus is the first with mini- 
ature card removable medi 
making it eosy to dump your dic- 
tations to any laptop or desktop 
PC with a PCMCIA slot ($300). (6) 
The Glove is a one-hond video 
game controller with a serious 
twist: Natural movements of your 
wrist direct the game chorocters 
on-screen, leaving oll digits free 
to tap action butions positioned 
just under your fingertips (about 


$90). (7) Hayes’ Accura 56K Ex- 
ternal Data/Fax Modem offers 
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over ordinary phone lines (about 
$190). (8) With o Casio Data 
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pointments, addresses, etc. You 


соп store brilliant thoughts in the 
gizmo, tco, using its touch screen 
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mommy kissing Santa Claus 
across the country if you hook up. 
two Via TV Desk Top Video- 
phones, which tronsmit tele- 
phone-quality audio and video 


WHERE & HOW ТО BUY ON PAGE 195. 


simultaneously when connect- 
ed to your phone (about $600 
each). (10) ACS Wireless Aurea 
Headset System lets you carry on 
a hands-free conversation up to 
40 feet from the base station 
{about $330). (11) The Poncson- 
ic Egg Cam is o desktop color 


camera and microphone for au- 
dio/video communication be- 
tween computers. It also trans- 
mits video messages to anyone 
with e-mail (under $200). (12) 
Solo by Escort is a mini cordless 
radar detector that sniffs out all 
bands and laser beams ($200) 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY DONATO GIANCOLA ¡PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMEROGNO 


PLAYBOY 


122 


Pomen ВОЛК аон pese 118) 


“What is it like to be in love with someone who's a 
warrior? It's beyond my wildest dream.” 


is with Danna Scou, one of the few li- 
censed female corners. Danna tells her 
to “take deep breaths and feel your feet 
in your shoes.” 

Danna handles her fighter like a 
trainer with a thoroughbred. She mas- 
sages Laura's hands to warm them, 
then wraps them with tape and gauze. 
She never breaks contact. Her hand is 
on her fighter's shoulder as she leads 
her from backstage, up the aisles, past 
noisy fans and into the ring. “You have 
to let them know that you will take 
them there, that they don't have to fig- 
ure that out,” says Scott. “The only 
thing they have to dois fight.” 

The Garden's Theater feels more 
like a high school gymnasium than Las 
Vegas. Amateur boxing is a team sport, 
and local clubs come out to support 
their fighters. The fans are rowdy. Turf 
wars erupt, but are quickly settled. 

The women's bouts are sprinkled be- 
tween the men’s, who outnumber them 
two to one. The crowd has favorites, 
women they've followed since their 
first appearances two years ago. Lau- 
ra's cronies on the lobster shift of the 
law firm where she works wave giant 
claws as she beats an attorney in a 
hyped grudge match. Denise Lutrick, 
a soccer coach from Westchester, is 
cheered by her varsity squad in uni- 
form. They unfurl a banner that says 
PUT THE BODY INA BAG. Evelyn Rodriguez, 
a 5'8", 156-pound bus driver, stalks 
dancer Meagan McBain and puts the 
mojo on her with a red-rimmed stare. 

The fight of the tournament is be- 
tween two 165-pounders, Tanya Dean 
of Gleason's Gym versus Susan Gadom- 
ski of the New Bed-Stuy Boxing Cen- 
ter. It is a classic matchup: Dean, a 
southpaw boxer, and Gadomski, a 
brawler inspired by Dear's fight two 
years ago in the Gloves. It doesn't fig- 
ure to be much of a contest. Dean has 
trained corrections officers in defen- 
sive tactics, while Gadomski has lost 40 
pounds and quit smoking for the fight. 
Dean is a seasoned competitor, Gadom- 
ski is a virgin. 

Dean comes out swinging. Within 
ten seconds, Gadomski is down, and 
struggles through the first two rounds. 
But Gadomski hangs in and takes her 
beating with an iron chin. In the third 
and final round she has Dean on the 
ropes and the crowd on its feet. Tanya 
wins—in a 3-2 decision—but if the fight 
had gone a few seconds longer, Susan 
might have taken it. 


They embrace, and the badly 
bruised Gadomski is led toward the 
dressing rooms by her second. He is a 
tall, regal man with dreadlocks to his 
waist, and had been whispering to Su- 
san throughout the fight. I trail behind 
them, an eager fan. More than that, 1 
need someone like him in my corner, 
and want to have her heart. 


A few days later I catch up with Su- 
san and her cornerman boyfriend, 
Randy, in Bedford-Stuyvesant. This is 
опе of the toughest neighborhoods їп 
Brooklyn, and they volunteered to 
meet me at the subway. She waits at the 
turnstile as I exit, and we drive in his 
new red Plymouth Neon through rain- 
slicked streets to the gym. 

New Bed-Stuy is a family place, lov- 
ingly decorated with murals of its train- 
ers and former champs (Riddick Bowe, 
Mark Breland). Except for Faber (Su- 
san's sometime sparring partner) and 
Harry Keitt (her trainer), the gym is 
empty. It is early yet. Faber mans the 
door, Randy slips out for coffee, and 
Susan, Harry and I pull up three met- 
al folding chairs to discuss her fight 
with Tanya Dean. 

Harry has a unique perspective, be- 
cause the first woman he ever trained 
was Tanya. He knew she would come 
out swinging, but he also knew she 
would tire. “Tanya is a nervous fighter. 
She works off adrenaline,” Keitt says. 
Adrenaline, like anger, is your enemy 
in the ring. Susan has the opposite 
problem—she's a slow starter. That's a 
liability when you have only three two- 
minute rounds to fight. 

Harry likes training women. “They 
go toe-to-toe,” he says. “They don't 

ши. They don't complain.” He finds 
them more dedicated, more disci- 
plined than male boxers. They come 
with less baggage and learn faster than 
men. Harry's teaching methods are the 
same for both sexes: “They get hit by 
the same punches, so I train them the 
same way.” 

Randy returns and we get on the 
subject of his romance with Susan. 
Randy is a martial arts instructor who 
met Susan in his kickboxing class. 
(Many female boxers start out kickbox- 
ing and switch.) The couple now lives 
in East New York. I ask Randy what it's 
like to be in love with a warrior. He 
smiles a Cheshire cat's smile. 

Although Randy and Susan had 


been together almost three years, he 
didn't meet her folks until the Gloves. 
Like a lot of the women I interviewed, 
Susan kept her plans to compete from 
her family until right before her first 
fight. Her father and sister auended 
her preliminary bout, which she ended 
up not having to fight. But her mother 
decided only the night before to go to 
the finals. At first she had refused to 
attend —"That's the last place I want 
to see my baby"—and Randy feels she 
blames him for Susan's involvement in 
the sport. 

But when it came down to it, Susan 
says, nothing could keep her mother 
away. “She was a wreck after the fight. 
She saw me with the black eye. She was 
standing there with flowers, emotional. 
She said, ‘I think I sat a little too close." 

Randy has more in common with Su- 
san's mom than either may think. He 
also gets emotional when he sees Susan 
in the ring: "It's more than proud. I 
feel like crying, like a mother with a 
child. What is it like to be in love with 
someone who's a warrior? It’s beyond 
my wildest dream.” 

It takes a while for men to get used 
to seeing women get hit. If the women 
are good fighters, the men get over it. 
It's the same for the participants. Of 
the women I know, there is a consen- 
sus: You feel shock at first. You learn 
not to let it anger you—you focus and 
counterpunch. Many say they're ner- 
vous in a fight until that first punch, 
and then they stop feeling anything. 

You would think being a part of this 
masculine domain would make us feel 
more masculine. In fact, the reverse is 
often true. Its brutality allows a softer 
side to flourish. 

Some of us cultivate it in the ring. We 
wear pink shorts; we get manicures 
and pedicures before a fight. Some of 
us leave the ring and then transform, 
wearing heels, stockings, short dresses. 
The switch comes naturally. We were 
the tomboys, the ones getting into 
scrapes with our brothers or the guys 
up the street. We didn’t want to be 
boys, we wanted to wrestle with them. 

Boxing, women actually feel more 
like women. It tightens your buttocks, 
narrows your stomach, thrusts out 
your chest. It enhances self-confidence, 
Which is always a magnet. 

There are a few concessions to gen- 
der in amateur boxing. Women are re- 
quired to wear breast protectors and 
sign waivers attesting they are not 
pregnant. There haven't been studies 
done on the long-term effects of box- 
ing on a woman's reproductive capabil- 
ities, but there haven't been any docu- 
mented problems with it, either. 

My 86-year-old aunt was horrified by 
my boxing and begged me not to tell 

(continued on page 124) 


P'PA Y B O y P'O АШИ ЕН ЗҮ. 


When 18-year-old visitor June Wilkinson marched into our “Hollywood or bust,” June had become a movie starlet and а 
offices in Chicago in the summer of 1958, the men in the prize pin-up subject. The fetching kitten from Britain was 
Photo Department immediately named her staggering chest featured many times on the pages of PLAYBOY. The above 
the “first Bosom worthy ofa capital B." Before you could say shot of the alluring June graced our November 1960 issue. 123 


PLAYBOY 


124 


CY omen B 0 i І n ti (continued from page 122) 


“Once I’m in the ring, Гт 


an animal. I see the girl 


climb in, and Tm like, What are you doin’ in here?” 


anyone—especially not any potential 
suitors. I haven't followed her advice, 
and I'm glad. Men are intrigued by it, 
if not charmed. At the least, it helps the 
conversation. 


Randy drops Susan off at her job at 
a photo lab and me at the subway to 
East Harlem. I have a date with two 
champs—the 119-pound fireplug Leo- 
na Brown and the 156-pound priestess 
Evelyn Rodriguez. 

The Thomas Jefferson Recreation 
Center, at 112th Street and First Av- 
enue, is run by the New York City 
Parks Department. The husband-and- 
wife team of Mickey and Negra Rosario 
presides over its boxing programs. 
They have been in the fight business 
for more than 40 years; Negra was one 
of the first female trainers and still 
trains many children, including her 11- 
year-old granddaughter, Megan. 

Kids are racing around the place, 
and Leona and 1 hide in an empty 
locker room to talk. She is 4711“, wear- 
ing denim shorts and a denim vest that. 
shows off her biceps. We talk fight 
strategy. Because of her height, Leona 
needs to get inside, and throws lots of 
punches. When asked about her de- 
fense, she says, "My offense is my de- 
fense. If you're trying to look pretty, 
you ain't throwin' no punches." 

1 was, in fact, disappointed by 
the level of the women's defense at 
the Gloves. A good defense (blocking 
punches, slipping, bobbing and weav- 
ing) is an acquired skill, and for 
novices—both male and female—it's 
the first thing out the window under 
pressure. There's also a difference be- 
tween amateur and pro strategy. A pro 
fighter gets points for defensive style, 
and, with more rounds, there's time 
to move around, to “look pretty." In 
the amateurs points are scored by 
blows landed, which can encourage 
wild haymakers. 

Leona quit her job as a school bus 
driver to devote herself to training. She 
has no time for dating (“That's another 
kind of workout at night") and wants to 
во pro. She seems unstoppable. “Noth- 
ing scares me in the ring,” she says. 
“Nothing. Once I'm in the ring, I'm an 
animal. I transform into an animal. 
And that's it. I see the other girl climb 
over the ropes, and I'm like, "What are 
you doin’ in here? I'm getting ready to 
tear you apart!” 


Leona and Evelyn pass in the halls 
but do not speak. There's bad blood— 
а nasty sparring session. (They've since 
made up.) Exery few feet, someone 
calls out, "Hey, champ!” The girls have 
done well by Thomas Jeff. 

Evelyn and I go sit on the stoop. Itis 
drizzling. 1 was terrified of her in the 
Garden, but now she's sweet and girl- 
ish. She lives in Flushing but has strong 
ties to East Harlem. She would like to 
give back to the neighborhood by 
Opening a gym for battered women. 

We talk about her fight with Meagan 
McBain. It's true, she hypnotized her. 
“I actually looked through her with my 
eyes. I was drawing fear out of her 
eyes.” Meagan left the ring with an ice 
pack on her face. I ask Evelyn if it is 
hard to reconcile being a woman with 
causing pain. She tells me that that’s 
her job. But when she leaves the ring, 
she says, "I'm a whole different person. 
I'm more humble. I'm more lovable. 
I'm concerned." 

Evelyn asks me if 1 have Meagan's 
phone number. We use the Rosarios” 
otiice to call. An answering machine 
responds. Evelyn hangs up. But she 
makes me promise to deliver this mes- 
sage: “l just want to apologize if I in- 
flicted any kind of damage on you. If 
you need any help, if I can doanything 
for you, just let me know. I'm here. 
Don't hesitate to give me a call. I hope 
you feel better." 

Evelyn and I walk to the subway 
stop. I ask if she thinks we are stronger 
than our West Coast counterparts. She 
says, “Of course. We are New Yorkers. 
We are the roughest, the toughest. 
Ain't nobody badder than us.” 1 feel 
safe, and proud to be with her. She asks 
if | might like to spar sometime. 1 look 
at the six-inch-long scar down her face, 
remember a different Evelyn in the 
ring and decline. 

The equation of women and aggres- 
sion is not easily solved. Johnnie Wo- 
luewich, a USA Boxing official and ad- 
ministrator, feels that men box to get 
their aggression out, while women get 
more aggressive when they fight. 
Trainer Milton LaCroix thinks girls 
can take getting hit more than guys, 
and definitely slug more. He feels, by 
nature, women are more vicious than 
men: "To sit and have a baby, you have 
to be some kind of vicious person. 
They can take more punches than we 
can. I'll tell you that much. I can't 
imagine no guy baving no baby." 


Referee Danny Gant, a behavioral 
therapist, agrees. "Women are the 
most dangerous things in the universe 
Women are mothers, and there's some- 
thing about being a mother that makes 
a woman a bitch if she has to be, that 
makes her an angel, that makes her 
whatever she has to be. Her job is to 
protect, period," 

To say all women like to inflict dam- 
age is facile, however, and misleading. 
Flyweight Laura Schere feels boxing is 
less about hurting someone and more 
about domination, about winning. 
Even so, she likes “the license that 
you're allowed in the ring to hit some- 
one, where you're not allowed to any- 
where else." Sometimes, sitting on the 
subway, she imagines what she could 
do: “I could just haul off and hit some- 
one. I love that feeling that I could just 
punch all these people in the face and 
knock them all out.” 

For Annie Vitiello, it's also about po- 
tential. An elegant administrator at 
HBO who won the 1995 Gloves in the 
112-pound division, Annie is a ring 
strategist who finds boxing “more like 
fencing or chess than beating some- 
body up.” But she’s made the moves to 
stop someone when she’s had to, and 
feels grateful. "Here's a part of me I 
never would have discovered. There's 
a strength and ferocity. Not vicious- 
ness, but fierceness. Thank you, uni- 
verse. Thank you, God. It doesn't 
mean I have to do anything with it. But 
I can. 175 there.” 


1 go to Rikers Island to pay homage 
to Tyrene Manson, the 106-pound fe- 
male heralded as the next Sugar Ray 
Robinson, whos facing a four- to nine- 
year term for drug possession. 

It starts as something of an ordeal. I 
nearly miss Friday's two Р.М. Rikers Is- 
land Express—the last bus before the 
weekend. And when I board, there's 
standing room only. The women are all 
dolled up, with long, polished fin- 
gernails, elaborate hairdos and tight 
clothes. I have dressed down to be in- 
conspicuous. It backfires. 

At the holding area before we are 
shuttled to our final destination, I am 
handed a form to fill out. What is my 
relation to the prisoner? Friend? Fami- 
ly? Spouse? 1 put down: Colleague. Fel- 
low boxer. 

1 learn that Tyrene has already had 
one visitor that day, and I am denied. I 
reason with the guard: 1 have come 
this far from California. He wants me 
to show him a California driver's li- 
cense. I drop it into the plastic contain- 
er with the other picture IDs, mostly 
food-stamp cards 

We unload at a long row of metal 

(continued on page 180) 


“We just sing carols, Mister. We don't do extras.” 


125 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA AND RICHARD FEGLEY 


Winter Wonder 


playmate karen mcdougal wants to take the chill out of the season 


teens growth spurt turned her into a beauty queen. Now the 26-year-old preschool 
teacher doubles as a Venus International Swimwear model. Karen's latest moonlight- 

ing gig is even more dazzling: Sawyer's pride is now our Miss December. 
О: How have folks back home reacted to the news that you're PLAYBOY's latest Playmate? 
With shock. I was always wholesome little Karen. In high school my nickname was 
Barbie, as in Barbie doll—the nice, sweet, perfect girl. That sort of girl isn't expected to be 


۸ SASMALL-TOWN GIRL in Sawyer, Michigan, Karen McDougal was a tomboy until a late- 


seen їп the most-looked-at men's mag- 
azine in the world. But I think it's go- 
ing to work out. Now that people are 
getting used to the idea, they're treat- 
ing me like a celebrity. 

Q: What are the rewards of spending 
your days with people half your size? 

A: I teach preschool because 1 love 
kids. I want to have a few children of 
my own one of these days. My mother 
has 12 brothers and sisters, each with 
at least six kids of their own. I have al- 
most 100 cousins. If I can find the right 
man, 1 want to start adding to the fam- 
ily total. I'm a nurturer. 

Q: One with sensational biceps. Do 
you bench-press toddlers at work? 

A: No, but 1 do work out every day. 1 
think strength is important to a wom- 
an. It's energizing. It gives you the self- 
confidence you need to succeed. 

©: What's your personal best as а 
weight lifter? 

A: I don't go for bulk. My best in the 
squat is 140 pounds. 

Q: Do the youngsters where you 
work know you are also a swimwear 
model and a Playmate? 

A; No. To them I'm just Miss Karen. 

Q: Your wholesome look is also a lit- 
tle exotic. What is your heritage? 


> r _ 


Avid sportswoman Karen stays in shape with indaor and outdoor activities that keep her strong and limber. Daily 
workouts hone the “bubble butt” she is proud of. Miss December relishes her opportunity to lift men's spirits this win- 
128 ter. “I have na problem with posing this way. When men see these pictures, | want them to want me,” she admits. 


- | 


——— 


A: Irish and Native American. I suppose I got my cheek- 
bones from my Cherokee grandfather; the Irish side of the 
family must be responsible for my pert little nose. 

О: Can a woman be both wholesome and sex 

A: Definitely. A woman can be whatever she wants to be. 
It's all in her attitude. I am truly a sweet, down-to-earth girl, 
soft and mild. But I can be crazy if the time is right. 

Q: How does it feel to be Sawyer's premiere sex symbol? 

A: I'm excited. Do you know I'm one of the oldest Play- 
mates this year? I take care of my body. I'm proud to show it. 


off. I hope you'll look at me and say, “Hey, that's not bad for 
26 years old." 

Q: What do you see yourself accomplishing in the next 
ten years? 

A: By 2007 I hope I'll be running my own learning center 
for preschoolers. I would likc to have at least three kids of 
my own. And I'd like to be as spunky at 36 as I am today.” 


To get closer lo Karen McDougal, you can call the Playboy Super 
Hotline. See page 203 for details 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


was oro Моша — — 
misa OA ОВАА PESTE 


1 11 
(шир. 25) A WEIGHT: 195 
BIRTH pare: 3-93 Thr Caen aan _ 


AMBITIONS : M 


Е ул іо Model act and Dechy open a 
honing Conor x Chinon . 
TURN-ONS :, à & | 
TURNOFFS: o ree rele Чуор te 
un esc б? ` E 
С с o л жт 


Curar Cora саў д | 
how 0 w a vee Tas Sans. 


PERFECT DATE: 


Mee cca ds pe K en 
DON ха i. 


Clam © Creac\eadecs ar UN "UI u 
a o Nursing ES PU sio 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Alter reviewing his data, a sexologist tele- 
phoned one of the volunteer couples. “There 
seems to be a discrepancy in the information 
supplied by you and your husband,” he ex- 
plained to the wife. “Under ‘frequency of in- 
tercourse,' he listed ‘twice a week’ while you 
put down ‘several times each night." 

besas amara do auna, 
“but please understand it's only a temporary 
situation—just until we have the down pay- 
ment for a house.” 


The elderly Russian tottered to the store to get 
his family's ration of meat, only to be informed 
that there was none to be had. Furious, the old 
man raged at the butcher, cursing the wretch- 
ed state of affairs, the endless lines, the con- 
stant shortages. On his way out of the shop, he 
was approached by a sinister fellow in dark 
glasses and a black trench coat. "Be careful, 
comrade," the man cautioned. "If you had 
made this kind of disturbance a few years ago, 
do you know what would have happened to 
you?" He pointed his index finger at the old 
man’s temple, pulled an imaginary tigger and 
then walked off. 

“What happened, Sergei?" the old man's 
wife asked, secing him return empty-handed. 
“Did they run out of meat again?” 

"It's worse than that,” he replied glumly. 
“They've run out of bullets.” 


Tue BEST Posrsour JOKE: What did Jesse Jack- 
son say to Mike Tyson after the fight? “No, stu- 
pid, an eye for an eye!” 


A middle-aged man and woman met, fell in 
love and got married. On their wedding night 
they settled into the bridal suite and the wife 
said to her new husband, “Please promise to be 
gende. Um still a virgin. 

“But how can that be?” the startled husband 
said. “You have been married three times 
before.” 

“Well,” she explained, “my first husband was 
a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was 
talk about it. My second husband was a gyne- 
cologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look 
at it. And my third husband was a stamp col- 
lector, and all he ever wanted to do was—God, 
I miss him!” 


Р. вох ciassic: Paul got off the elevator on 
the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his 
blind date’s door. She opened it and was as 
beautiful and charming as everyone had said 
“TIl be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why 
don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? 
He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes 
hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with 
your arms, he'll jump through." 

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and 
started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his 
arms and Rollo jumped through—and over 
the balcony. Just then Paul's date walked out. 
“Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've 
ever seen?” she gushed. 

Paul panicked. “To tell the truth,” he said, 
“he seemed a little depressed to me.” 


A watermelon farmer was determined to scare 
off the local kids who went into his watermelon 
patch every night to eat their fill. After some 
thought, he made a sign that said WARNING! ONE 
OF THE WATERMELONS IN THIS FIELD HAS BEEN IN- 
JECTED WITH CYANIDE. He smiled smugly as he 
watched the kids run off the next night with- 
out eating any of his melons. 

A week later the farmer was surveying his 
field. To his satisfaction no watermelons were 
missing, but a sign next to his read NOW THERE 
ARE TWO! 


[BUMPER STICKER OF THE MONTH: SO MANY STUPID 
PEOPLE, SO FEW COMETS. 


X< 


Tuus MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: God 
had finished with the basic structure of hu- 
manity and was ready to get down to the 
perks. “OK, kids,” he said to Adam and Eve, 
“you have the essential stuff. Now who wants 
to be able to рее standing ир?” 

Adam leaped to his feet. “Me! Let it be me.” 

“So be it," God intoned 

God then turned to Eve. “Well, let me see,” 
he murmured, looking at his master plan. 
“Looks like all I have left is multiple orgasms.” 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
Pt Ayñov, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


IS 


139 


mn—wie ll have to hire a new one!” 


“Da: 


POILASY-H-O.Y 


140 


Midnight clear. cet ron age во) 


The entrance to Ward Sixwas an oversized steel door 
covered with greasy handprints and dried blood. 


Freddy asked where Ward Six was 
located and the short man pointed at 
the hospital clock tower. “The gray 
building behind the clock tower,” he 
said. “Jarrad Hall. There's a plaque on 
the door. If you get to the water tower, 
you've gone too far. Those two chim- 
neys from the power plant beyond 

see there? It’s the last outpost of civi- 
lization. Chinese Turkistan, Outer 
Mongolia, man. You will never make it 
back alive." 

Freddy nodded his head at the two 
men. “Gotcha! Good day, gentlemen.” 

"Come on," Mrs. Gordon said as she 
plodded on ahead. “If we stand here 
another minute, ГИ die." 

“The guy is right, those little tires are 
ridiculous. І mean, who thought of 
that? It's not exactly what you call a 
grand inspiration.” 

“They were thinking in terms of 
space saving,” Mrs. Gordon said. “Car- 
go space. If you want to transport 
dope, a dead body or something, 
there's more room.” 

“Yes, of course, but what stupid, 
fucking goddamn assholes they are just 
the same. The empire is in terminal 
decline.” 

“You have the foulest mouth of any- 
one alive,” Mrs. Gordon said. 

Freddy looked at her sharply. “I tra- 
verse hell on a daily basis. I'm known 
for my poignant effusions. To imagine 
that any human escapade could turn 
out well seems unthinkable to me, but 
this trip, Iona? Oh, do forgive me! You 
know I have a perception of things 
very few can endure. I will abstain 
from burrowing any further into my 
fourth dimension of despair except to 
say that this very planet has gangrene.” 

“The earth has gangrene,” she said. 
“It's not paradise. Not by a long shot.” 

The pair followed the walkway 
around the clock tower and reached a 
gray building with locked doors. Fred- 
dy bolted ahead until he came upon 
the water tower. He turned around 
and ran back to his stepmother. “We're 
lost. 1 don’t know what to do. I haven't 
even got a plan.” He pulled off his coat 
and put it over his head like a blanket. 
They stood together shivering for a 
moment until a maintenance worker 
driving a snowplow stopped and gave 
them a lift back. He pulled a key ring 
from his belt, unlocked the door and 
let them inside. 

The lobby was dark and empty, but it 
was warm. Freddy kicked off his loafers 


and began to rub his feet in a savage 
fashion. “Son of a bitch, it’s cold!” 

Mrs. Gordon blew on her hands and 
rubbed her face. “Oh God!” she said. 
“That was absolute hell!” 

“Changing that tire. Shit Goddamn 
motherfucker! Why was I born?” 

“You were born because your dad 
screwed a bimbo,” Mrs. Gordon said. 
“And now that you're here, you just 
have to make the best of it, like all the 
rest. Dont think of the philosophical 
implications.” 

Mrs. Gordon sat on a narrow bench 
next to Freddy and had begun to rub 
her own feet when a voice rattled over 
the intercom. “Please step forward and. 
state your business.” 

Freddy spotted a small TV camera 
just above the intercom speaker. He 
moved before it and said, “Dr. Freder- 
ick Blaine here to see Eustace Elliot 
Eckstrom.” 

Freddy heard someone giggling in 
the background. The same voice 
pitched an octave lower said, “Eck- 
strom. Eustace, joost von moment. Ees 
he yah patient, doc-taw?” 

“He's my relative!” 

Mrs. Gordon clutched her body un- 
der her coat. "I'm frozen down to the 
core level," she said. "How do pen- 
guins take it?” 

"I don't know. They have antifreeze 
in their blood. Maybe they hate their 
lives." Freddy peered through the met- 
al mesh gate that bisected the lobby. 
“I'm not kidding, if I could push a but- 
ton and never have been born, Га 
push. The deal is this: We are in hell. 
It's just that they call it earth. If they 
just called it hell, it would make more 
sense." 

"People could take it better if the 
right information were put out," Mrs. 
Gordon said. “1 agree with that. Call- 
ing it earth is propaganda. Chinese 
Communist bullshit." 

The intercom crackled. “Dot's Ward 
Six, duke-tor. I wan’ you an’ the little 
lady to prozeed down zee "all to eleva- 
tor C and take her to d' void floor. 
How's zat sound to y'all" 

“That's peachy, sin" Freddy said. 
"That's dandy! We're coming. We're 
on our way. So look out." 

A buzzer sounded and the iron gate 
slid open. Assaulted by a variety of in- 
definable but powerful odors, they fol- 
lowed the bufled terrazzo hall to ele- 
vator C. 

The entrance to Ward Six was an 


oversize steel door painted with shiny 
white enamel but covered with greasy 
handprints, dried blood, snot, scuff 
marks and indentations that made it 
look like a guardrail at the Indy 500. 
Freddy pointed them out. “Look at 
that! The Incredible Hulk. After his 
TV series bombed, they sent him here.” 

“He's in there with green skin and a 
bad temper,” Mrs. Gordon said. “We 
were fools to come.” 

Freddy smiled. “Think hell and it will 
all approximate fun.” 

Mrs. Gordon checked her lipstick in 
a cosmetic mirror, “H-E double hockey 
sticks.” 

Freddy rang the buzzer, then cupped 
his hands to peer through the thick yel- 
low Plexiglas window of the door. A 
lanky orderly in a white uniform was 
seated at the charge desk reading a pa- 
perback copy of The Sea Wolf, by Jack 
London. He had a short black beard 
and long hair and his reading glasses 
were attached around his neck by a 
lanyard, Freddy watched him take off 
his glasses, set the book down and re- 
move a large brass key from his belt. 
The man wore a name tag that read 
STEPHENS. He opened the door and 
said, “Evening visiting hours are over 
at 5:30." 

Freddy flashed his hospital identi- 
fication and Stephens waved the cou- 
ple inside. Stephens went back to his 
desk and returned to his book. Freddy 
asked where Cousin Eustace could be 
located and, without looking up, 
Stephens adjusted his glasses and 
pointed to the back of the ward. 

A group of patients watching TV 
turned toward the door to see what was 
going on. They did not look nearly as 
crazy as Mrs. Gordon had imagined. In 
fact, they looked pretty normal. In a 
moment they turned back to the televi- 
sion, where Christopher Walken was 
doing a song and dance routine with 
elves and a snowman. Suddenly the 
biggest woman Mrs. Gordon had ever 
seen got up from a large chair and be- 
gan to bear down on her. 

Orderly Stephens jumped up from 
the desk, pointing a finger at the wom- 
an. In an even tone he said, “Stop it 
right there, Marla! I'm in no mood for 
fucking bullshit today. So just cool your 


jets!” Stephens sat down and bent back 


the spine of his paperback, waiting for 
Marla to comply. 

Mrs. Gordon smiled nervously, hid- 
ing behind Stephens and Freddy. Not 
only was Marla tall, everything about 
her was large. She had enormous 
shoulders, huge hands and big legs. 
She had coarse facial features. Her 
teeth were large, but they were regular. 
Her hair was black and cut at shoulder 
length. She wore a plain black dress 

(continued on page 195) 


PLAYBOYS 
COLLEGE BASKETBALL 


IN TODAY'S 
COLLEGE GAME, 
YOU'RE EITHER QUICK 
OR YOU'RE DEAD 


THERES a sign on 1-65 just 
north of Indianapolis that 
warns SPEED KILLS. Unfor- 
tunately, it was missed by 
the players and coaches of 
North Carolina and Ken- 
tucky as they headed to the 
Final Four. Front-runner Kan- 
sas and Providence never 
saw it either. Wouldn't have 
helped if they had, because 
speed is tough to defend 
against, and hotshot Arizona 
couldn't have had more if 
Sandra Bullock were on the 
roster. 

So now everyone is scout- 
ing for speed. Forget the big man. 
There aren't any great ones around the 
college game now anyway. Push the 
ball, play full-court pressure defense, 
shoot the three and run, run, run. 

However, speed—as in a fast break to 
the NBA—also threatens the game's 
health. Eighreen young men with col- 
lege eligibility left on the meter jumped 
to the pros; one high school honcho, 
Tracy McGrady, decided to skip the 
college experience altogether. In a 
world where so many of today's college 
hoops stars have аз much interest in 
getting an education as Chris Farley 
does in health food, McGrady is, if 
nothing else, honest. If a young man is 
superbly talented at hoops but bas zero 
interest in education, perhaps he is bet- 
ter off attending the University of Nike 
Basketball Camp and taking a straight 
shot at the NBA instead of going 
through the sham and deception of en- 
rolling in college. In the end, the col- 
lege game is better off without him. 


Now let's jump off the soapbox and 
run down the 50 best teams for the 
coming season. 


(1) UCLA 


Many basketball fans didn't agree 
with UCLA's missal of coach Jim 
Harrick for alleged expense-account 
irregularities. Even more questioned 
the naming of 32-year-old Steve Lavin, 
a full-time assistant for only two years, 
to take the coaching reins once held by 
the legendary John Wooden. Lavin 
himself must have had similar thoughts 
on January 9, 1997 after UCLA ab- 
sorbed a shocking 109-61 drubbing by 
Stanford, the worst defeat in school 
history. But Wooden called in his vore 
of confidence, the players rallied be- 
hind Lavin and when UCLA played 
the Cardinals again, the Bruins not on- 
ly avenged the loss but also started a 
19-game winning streak that finally 
ended with a loss to Minnesota in the 
Midwest Regional One Finals. Lavin 


Toby Bailey and the UCLA 
Bruins will have to outrun 
defending champ Arizona to 
win the national title. 


has lost Charles O'Bannon 
and Cameron Dollar to 
graduation, but he's recruit- 
ed stellar talent to join re- 
turning starters J.R. Hen- 
derson, Jelani McCoy and 
Toby Bailey. The most highly 
touted of the new recruits 
are Baron Davis, the number 
one high school point guard 
in the nation last year, and 
Schea Cotton, a solid top ten 
prospect, If Lavin can meld 
the talent, experience and 
youth, UCLA could rival any 
team in the nation. 
(2) DUKE 

Coach Mike Krzyzewski is all smiles. 
He has four starters returning from a 
24-win season and one of his best re- 
cruiting classes. Four recruits—6'8" for- 
wards Elton Brand and Shane Battier, 
6/11" center Chris Burgess and guard 
William Avery—were top 15 high 
school prospects. Returning starting 
guard Trajan Langdon (14.3 points 
per game) is ready to blossom into one 
of college basketball's superstars, while 
seniors Steve Wojciechowski and Ro- 
shown McLeod give the Blue Devils ex- 
perience to go with their awesome tal- 
ent. Coach K could still be smiling in 
San Antonio. 


(8) NORTH CAROLINA 


Evidently Dean Smith has learned a 
few things in his 36-year stint as head 
coach of the Tar Heels. He had one of 
his best seasons last year, coaxing a 
group of talented but largely inexperi- 
enced players through a dreadful early 


SPORTS BY GARY COLE. 


Left to right: Miles Simon, guard, 
Arizona, Paul Pierce, guard, Kan- 
sas. Kenny Thomas, forward, New 
Mexico. Lute Olson, Coach of the 
Year, Arizona. BJ Mckie (seated), 


guard, South Carolina. 


Top to bottom, left to right: Todd 
HacCulloch, center, Washington. Robert 
Traylor, forward, Michigan. Raef LaFrentz, 
forward, Kansas. Zendon Hamilton, 
center, St. John’s. Drew Hansen, Anson 
Mount Scholar/Athlete, Utah, Mike 


Bibby, guard, Arizona, 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY RICHAROIZUL 


144 


Playboys 


TID 25 


1. UCLA 
2. DUKE 
3. NORTH CAROLINA 
4. ARIZONA 
5. KANSAS 
6. PURDUE 
T. FRESNO STATE 
8. MINNESOTA 
9. MICHIGAN 
10. KENTUCKY 
11. XAVIER 
12. CLEMSON 
13. ST. JOHN’ 
14. HAWAII 
15. MARYLAND 
16. MISSISSIPPI 
17. SYRACUSE 
18. IOWA 
19. ARKANSAS 
20. GEORGIA 
21. TEMPLE 
22. STANFORD 
23. UNC—CHARLOTTE 
24. ST. JOSEPH'S 
25. MARQUETTE 


POSSIBLE BREAKTHROUGHS 
Valparaiso, Connecticut, Louisville, 
Utah, Illinois State, Cincinnati, 
Illinois, Florida State, Texas, Indiana, 
South Carolina, Princeton, Butler, 
Wisconsin, George Washington 


FOR A COMPLETE CONFERENCE BY-CONFERENCE. 
‘PREDICTION OF FINAL STANDINGS, SEE PACES 182-103, 


season all the way to an ACC tourney 
championship and the NCAA semifi- 
nals, where they lost to Arizona 66-58. 
The only starter gone from Smith's 
squad is 7/9" Serge Zwikker, making 
this year's team smaller but quicker. 
Playboy All-America Antawn Jamison is 
a 69” Michael Jordan wannabe who av- 
eraged more than 19 points per game 
last year. Shammond Williams and 
Vince Carter should sparkle this season 
after solid performances last year. Pic- 
ture Smith and the Tar Heels in yet an- 
other Final Four. 


(4) ARIZONA 


Basketball Prognostication 101: Ifa 
team wins the national championship 
and returns all five starters plus a gen- 
erous selection of backups, why would 
itnotbe the favorite to repeat? Because 
there's nothing harder to do these days 
than repeat an NCAA basketball cham- 
pionship, particularly for players who 
must deal with the hype and media 
pressure that starts with the opening 
tip of the first game. However, the 
Wildcats have the perfect coach to 
guide them back to the top, Playboy 
Coach of the Year Lute Olson. He's 
cool, he's collected, he's disciplined. 
And there's no question about Ari- 
zona's talent. Playboy All-America 
Miles Simon, whose ball-hugging smile 
may have been the best PR for college 
basketball since Michael Jordan's jump 
shot, is a great floor leader. Backcourt 
partner Playboy All-America Mike Bib- 
by, so good but still developing, is quick 
to the paint and deadly from the 
perimeter. Michael Dickerson and 
Bennett Davison combine for points 
and rebouncs. Will Arizona repeat? It 
could, but it probably won't. 

(5) KANSAS. 

There's no question Kansas had the 
nation's best college basketball team 
last season. Scot Pollard played the en- 
forcer, Jacque Vaughn (once he recov- 
ered from a wrist injury) was the expe- 
rienced floor general and Playboy 
All-America Paul Pierce showed tre- 
mendous athleticism at both ends of 
the floor. And then there was Playboy 
All-America Raef LaFrentz, ready to 
carry his team when everyone else 
went cold. With high-caliber coach Roy 
Williams on the bench, what could go 
wrong? The Jayhawks were unlucky to 
go cold against red-hot Arizona on the 
night when it mattered most. LaFrentz 
and Pierce return this season. Ryan 
Robertson is nearly as good as Vaughn. 
"Two McDonald's All-Americans, guard 
Kenny Gregory and 771” center Eric 
Chenowith, will become part of the 
mix. The Jayhawks may not be quite so 
good as last season, but perhaps they'll 
be luckier. 


(б) PURDUE 


No team more consistently ошрет- 
forms preseason predictions than Pur- 
due. That's because prognosticators 
have been slow to recognize the genius 
of coach Gene Keady, who can build 
a championship program even with 
scarce talent. That won't be the case 
this season because Keady has as much, 
or more, talent to work with as any 
coach in the conference. His two best 
players are Brad Miller, a 611” senior 
who plays both forward and center, 
and guard Chad Austin, an 1 100-point 
scorer in just three seasons. In addi- 
tion, Keady has his usual assortment of 
beefy rebounders, three-point artists 
and defensive specialists. A trip to the 
Final Four would catapult Keady to na- 
tional prominence. 


(7) FRESNO STATE 


Noteam has more pure talent poten- 
tial this season than Fresno State. Con- 
troversial coach Jerry Tarkenian, once 
the “Jaws” of UNLV’s high-profile pro- 
gram, welcomes back Chris Herren, an 
outstanding guard who averaged 17.5 
points per game, and forward Day- 
mond Forney (14.2 ppg). Herren start- 
ed his collegiate career at Boston Col- 
lege, Forney in junior college. Then 
there are 6'8” Tremaine Fowlkes, a 
transfer from Cal; 68" Larry Abney, a 
junior college transfer; Avondre Jones, 
a transfer from USC; and Winfred 
Walton, who was penciled onto Jim 
Boeheim’s roster at Syracuse before he 
failed freshman eligibility require- 
ments. If Tark can keep his players eli- 
gible and get them to play together, the 
Bulldogs could be as good as any team 
in the nation. 


(8) MINNESOTA 


The Golden Gophers dominated the 
Big Ten race last season (16-2) and 
then battled all the way to the Final 
Four before falling to Kentucky (78- 
69) in the semifinals. For 1 1-year coach 
Clem Haskins, it was a fulfilling jour- 
ney. Haskins has lots of talent return- 
ing from last year’s team, but he has 
the difficult job of replacing graduated 
team leader Bobby Jackson and Court- 
ney James (who will play ball in Eu- 
rope). That mantle will undoubted- 
ly fall to seniors Sam Jacobson and 
Eric Harris. 


(9) MICHIGAN 


The Wolverines will try to use last 
years NIT championship as a spring- 
board to success in the NCAA tourney 
this year. However, they'll have to make 
the jump without 69" forward Maurice 
"Taylor, who skipped his final year to 
become the 14th pick in the NBA draft. 
That still leaves coach Steve Fisher with 

(continued on page 184) 


“Come in, соте in! Our traditional lighting of 
the undergarments has just begun!” 


146 


AMERICA'S MOST INFLUENTIAL ALTERNATIVE MEDIC 
TELLS YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT MEN AND HEALTH 


Bv DAVID SHEFF 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


DR. WEIL'S 
RX FOR GUYS 


ndrew Weil, the controversial 
M.D. who prescribes herbs, 
pollens and a wide range of 
alternative therapies, wants 
to help. He is inundated with appeals 
for medical advice—sometimes thou- 
sands a day, delivered via mail, phone 
calls and e-mail. His books are best-sell- 
ers. His seventh and most recent, 8 
Weeks to Optimum Healih, is a prescrip- 
tion for mental, spiritual and physical 
changes. It put him on the cover of 
Time. He lectures, does PBS specials 
and has a flooded Web site оп the In- 
ternet—Ask Dr. Weil (www.drweil.com) 
receives 2 million hits a month. Bur still 
he has a problem. His message has 
been slow to catch on with the half of 
the population that may need him 
most: men. 

Weil, 55, is the founder of the Center 
for Integrative Medicine at the Univer- 
sity of Arizona Medical School in Tuc- 
son. A Harvard graduate with degrees 
in medicine and ethnobotany, Weil es- 
chewed a traditional medical practice 
and took off for South America, Asia 
and India, where he studied with 
shamans, herbalists and osteopaths. 
Unlike most alternative medicine gu- 
тиз, however, Weil also refers to con- 
yentional medicine when needed. But 
he is still criticized by many doctors for 
prescribing drugs and therapies that 
haven't been tested or approved by the 
Food and Drug Administration. He has 
millions of admirers who are now swal- 
lowing herbs such as ho shou wu and 
ashwaganda, bypassing filets mignon 


for soybeans, and even having their 
skulls massaged. Weird stuff, but many 
people say it works. Some claim it has 
saved their lives. 

PLAYBOY; Are men and women equally 
skeptical about alternative medicine? 
WEIL: Men are more likely to dismiss it. 
PLAYBOY: Is it that men simply require 
more proof? 

WEIL: I don't know, but men are more 
resistant. In general, they're much less 
likely to ask for help in matters of 
health. I'm not sure if there is some 
correlation between men not being 
willing to ask for directions when 
they re lost and their not wanting to go 
to health professionals if they have 
symptoms, but there may be. I know 
they're more likely to deny what's go- 
ing on. 

PLAYBOY: Do men have a less healthy 
festyle than women? 

меш: Definitely. They are more likely 
to be stuck in unhealthy patterns of 
eating and stress. They are subject to 
particular kinds of stress that women 
aren't: the need to perform, achieve, 
compete in the workplace. Women 
have more of it than they used to, but 
men still have the most. Men even ex- 
ercise in ways that can be damaging. 
PLAYBOY: We thought exercise was 
good. 

меп: But a lot of men get caught up in 
forms of exercise that aren't good for 
them. They push themselves too hard 
and damage themselves. It’s common. 
Men are often very athletic in the early 
part of their lives and then become 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVIO LEVINE 


sedentary in middle age because they 
did too much damage. For example, 
they run and ignore pain in their knees 
until they can’t run at all. It's much bet- 
ter to have moderate habits of exercise 
that hold up into old age. It's impor- 
tant that men learn to listen to their 
bodies. When you exercise, don't ig- 
nore pain. Men may dismiss walking 
as a wimpy form of exercise, but it is 
excellent. 

PLAYBOY: Are intensive workouts good 
if we keep them up? 

WEIL: It depends. It’s clear that for 
many people who go to fitness clubs it's 
all about appearance, about attractive- 
ness. That should not be the primary 
reason for exercise, though I recognize 
that it can be a motivator. But if they 
are exercising for reasons of vanity and 
not health, they could actually harm 
themselves. 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about the 
workouts men are doing to produce 
washboard stomachs? 

weit: First of all, that can dissolve in- 
stantly if you stop doing it. It's not real 
change in the body; it’s not rooted in 
anything physiological. Washboard 
stomachs aren't something to strive for. 
Sure, they look good on slick magazine 
paper and the TV screen, but they're 
not healthy. A flat abdomen with tight, 
rippling muscles will restrict the mo- 
tion of the intestines during digestion. 
It will also crimp the action of the dia- 
phragm, which of course needs to 
move easily for you to breathe. It's OK 
to be trim, but the well-toned abdomen 


PLAYBOY 


148 


should be yielding, not rigid. Abdomi- 
nal crunches in moderation can be 
helpful. They can strengthen the back 
as well as the abdominal muscles. 
They're a good antidote to back pain 
because they balance and tone the 
muscles that support the spine. And 
they may help some people shape their 
midsections. You don't need to buy an 
expensive apparatus to work your ab- 
dominal muscles—your basic stomach 
crunch will do. Lie on the floor with 
knees bent, palms on your legs or on 
the floor, and your feet comfortably 
apart, Keep your chin up, focus your 
eyes on the ceiling and curl your body 
forward until your shoulders are a few 
inches off the floor. Hold and repeat. 
And keep breathing. Remember: Spot 
reduction isn't the answer, whether you 
use those devices or not. The secrets to 
losing weight won't cost you anything: 
Eat less (especially less fat), change 
your diet, get regular aerobic exercise. 
If you want to crunch your abs, that's 
great, too. 
PLAYBOY: How good are Stair Master, 
Nautilus machines and all that time at 
the gym? 

WEIL: Used wisely, they can be fine. 
When the weather is bad and I can't bi- 
cycle or walk, 1 use the Stair Master. 
But if I go to a club, I see people, espe- 
cially women, working out on Stair 
Masters like madwomen. There's a cer- 
tain grim look about them that doesn't 
look healthy to me. It's much better if 
you can find something fun and easy 
that you can incorporate into your life. 
Most very healthy old people didn't do 
intensive workouts. They were moder- 
ately and sensibly active throughout 
their lives. 

PLAYBOY: But we also hear about some 
ofthe oldest and healthiest people who 
smoked, drank, had diets you would 
disapprove of and didn't exercise. 
WEIL: Overriding everything may be 
something we rarely consider: the so- 
cial connectedness that we don't have 
in our culture. One of the most un- 
healthful things in modern America is 
our increasing social isolation. Com- 
munity connectedness is protective 
against ill health. A study looked at a 
community of Italians in Pennsylvania, 
in which the older generation had very 
low rates of heart disease, though they 
were smoking and eating a lot of meat. 
The younger generation had heart dis- 
ease rates that are comparable to those 
of other Americans. The main thing 
that changed was the loss of the com- 
munity. The younger generation lived 
in nuclear families, isolated from one 
another. 

PLAYBOY: Hasn't feminism managed to 
close the gap between men and wom- 
en, particularly regarding stress? Why 
are men more susceptible to stress-re- 


lated illness? 

WEIL: Men in our culture have shorter 
life spans than women do, and they're 
more prone to violence, accidents and 
heart attacks. Men tend to ignore emo- 
tional problems and are unlikely to ask 
for help. Men tend to be stuck in bad 
diets and are less likely than women to 
eat enough fruits and vegetables. They 
still die younger. 

PLAYBOY: That's cheerful. 

welt: Men can change. I suggest they 
look at their lives carefully. They 
should consider the sources of stress 
that have to do with being a man. Do 
they feel compelled to achieve? Are 
they the sole wage earner in the family? 
Is it difficult for them to express their 
feelings? I recommend individual or 
group psychotherapy to help them 
Know and express their feelings. Many 
men have difficulty controlling anger. 
Yoga may help some men. Anger ex- 
pressed outwardly and anger turned 
inward can both be destructive to the 
body. There's increasing evidence that 
anger can put you at risk for coronary 
heart disease and sudden death, espe- 
cially men. Studies on the hard-driving 
у found that high en- 
weren't the key fac- 
tors in determining a high risk for 
heart attacks. Instead, they were type- 
A characteristics combined with anger. 
PLAYBOY: Monks in monasteries may 
not get angry, but that's not the real 
world. 

WEIL: So it becomes a question of how 
you handle anger. As a man becomes 
conscious of his anger, he should begin 
to distinguish between the mildly an- 
noying and the infuriating. With the 
things that anger you most, try to fig- 
ure out what they're really about: Are 
you feeling powerless? Guilty? Once 
you've learned to recognize anger and 
identify its roots, it will be easier to ex- 
press it constructively and lessen it. 
PLAYBOY: Lessen it how? 

WEIL: Just being aware of what causes it. 
can help. Also, you can learn other 
ways to communicate your emotions. 
It's important to learn to say exactly 
what you're feeling and why, rather 
than just lashing out. The goal isnt to 
suppress your anger but to express it 
in a nonaggressive way. Psychotherapy, 
hypnotherapy and counseling can all 
be useful. Exercise is also an excellent 
way to cope with stress. Studies have 
found physical activity eases anger and 
tension. Meditation, relaxation and 
breathing techniques help a lot. Also, 
since isolation can increase feelings of 
anger and often leads to substance 
abuse and general ill health, men 
should work hard to develop meaning- 
ful connections with their families and 
friends. Finally, of course, is diet. 
There's no getting around it. Meat and 


cheese are key to the Western di 
they are very bad. The prescriptions 
are obvious: Eat lots of fruits and veg- 
etables, fish and whole grains, and 
have lots of variety. 
м.лувоу: Are there other for-men-only 
prescriptions? 
weıL: Men should be careful with di- 
etary supplements. If they take a multi- 
vitamin, it shouldn't contain iron. Men 
can't eliminate iron except through the 
loss of blood, and too much iron may 
promote cardiovascular disease and 
cancer. 
PLAYBOY; How does male sexual dys- 
function relate to physical health? 
WEIL: Sexuality is a reflection of one's 
general state of health, and it can be 
used to monitor both mentzl and phys- 
ical well-being. It's an area in which 
many physicians are not well trained. 
Most doctors aren't very comfortable 
with taking sexual histories from peo- 
ple or giving them advice about sexual- 
ity. It's an area where there's a lot of 
room for improvement. 
PLAYBOY: We're all ears. How do you 
approach sex differently? 
WEIL: I've looked at a lot of herbal and 
natural approaches to enhancing sexu- 
ality in men. 
PLAYBOY: You mean aphrodisiacs? 
WEIL: Yes. 
PLAYBOY: Everyone has heard tales of 
aphrodisiacs, but we've always as- 
sumed they don't really work. First, 
what about Spanish fly? 
WEIL: It's actually a beetle. It's a strong 
irritant of the genital and urinary sys- 
tem; it causes inflammation of the low- 
er urinary tract, which can lead to erec- 
tion and sexual excitement. But it's 
dangerous and not the way to go. 
PLAYBOY: What are safer choices? 
WEIL: Asian ginseng and ashwaganda, 
two tonics described in my books, are 
especially useful for men. They make 
men more interested їп sex, bring in- 
creased erections and prolong the du- 
ration of erections. They make for 
more satisfying sexuality. 1 mean, 
there's a lot of stuff out there. It's not 
even clear why they work. Ihey may 
work on hormonal pathways. They 
are baving specific effects on sexual 
physiology. 
PLAYBOY: Exactly how? 
WEIL: The compounds in ginseng, 
called ginsenosides, are known to in- 
crease resistance to stress, improve 
hormonal balance, benefit metabolism 
and aid skin and muscle tone. I recom- 
mend an extract in capsule or liquid 
form that has been standardized for 
ginsenoside content. Oriental ginseng 
is a stimulant, so use it with caution, if 
at all, if you have high blood pressure, 
insomnia or anxiety. 
PLAYBOY: What is ashwaganda? 
(continued on page 158) 


n March 31, 1978, Сап- 
dy Loving marched i 
to a Norman, Okla- 


homa Ramada Inn to meet 
PLAYBOY's photo editors for the 
25th Anniversary Playmate 
Hunt. Yes, she was gorgeous. 
But it was her down-home 
charm (she ordered chocolate 
milk instead of coffee and 
talked about her family) that 
caught our eye. Fast as you 


PLAYBOY 


06 77 


Our favorite confeclion wos the 
25th Anniversary Ploymate in 


1979 (above) and all we wanted 


for Christmas (right) in 1980. 


PLAYMATE 
REVISITED: 


CANDY LOVING 


two decades later, the title "playmate perfect” still applies 


149 


Cut to two decades later: Modern-day Condy (above, with her 
husbond and three-year-old daughter) hasn't changed a bit. “Not 
true,” she recently said with a laugh. "When my daughter noticed 
the framed PLAYBOY cover an our wall she said, ‘Mommy, that's 
you—with brown hair!‘ It was really sweet!” And so, Candy, are you. 


could say “small town,” the girl from Ponca City, Oklahoma with no modeling experience was named the 25th Anniversary 
Playmate. We called her “Playmate Perfect.” You can see why. Today, Candy is a businesswoman who looks back fondly on 
what she calls "the rLAvBOY years. I learned so much traveling around the country to promote the magazine—confidence, 


152 


(To the tune of O Christmas Tie) 
O Kennedy, O Kennedy 


That name was not so good to me. 

With "Kennedy" publicity 

Like I had, who needs enemies? 

[Chorus] 

My ex on talk shows called me scum, 

My brother's girlfriend sucked her thumb. 
‚John John posed nude and then dissed me— 


My Christmas wish? “Joe Smith" to be. 


Lern e 


Ye ROBERT 


[fo the tune of Hark! the Herald Angels Sing) 
Hark! the herald angels sing, 

| What I did was no big thing. 

Role and person reconciled, 

| Sony if it got you riled, 

| Calitnoble, cli twisted, 

| Here's the point (you've clearly missed it): 
| Imnorebel, let me soy, 

| but fit boosts ratings, yep, l'm gay. 


(lo the tune of 


Ard do heart surgery. 


TII design a sailboat, 
Write o book or two; 


I vill hone your Christmas, 
) Watch and learn from me: 
Til cook gourmet, build my own sleigh, 


Ylftend my flocks, and cure the pox, 
‘And look great all day through. 


Ве Home for Christmas) 


My life is perfection, 
That's why its for sale 
Through TV shows, books, videos; 
Put that check in the mail. 


I'm worth mony milions. 
It you aren't, that means 
Martha Stewart Living 


Is only in your dreams. 


T ЈА 


(То the tune of 

Away in a Manger) 

Away from “the manger,” 
The White House, the folks, 
The SS and press corps. 

All killing my hopes. 


Just college men here, to make 
My Christmas dream: 

“To fill more than my stocking, 
If you know what I mean. 


(To the tune of Deck the Най) 
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, 
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. 

Whoa, check out the balls on Molly! 
Ooh-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. 

Donnic's now in gay apparel, 
Tra-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. 

| Take him driving at your peril: 

| Trouble with the la-la-la-la-law. 


(To the tune о! 

Angels We Have Heard on High) 
Heorings we hove held on high, 

New disclosures every week 

Put me in the public's eye, 

But also put that eye to sleep. 

[Chorus] 
Bo-0-0-0-0-o—0-0-0-0-0—0-0-0-0-0-ring 
Months of testimony, 
Bo-0-0-0-0-o—0-0-0-0-0—0-0-0-0-0-ting 
Just proved we're all phony 

Schmucks. 


(oelneal ойе bun ofBoicter) 
IM lown of Wostinglon, you mus! think were both nts. 
Once powercirde ccngressmotes, were now out on cur bulis. 
The highest-ranking woman, Sue left for network news: 
Bilgi he boot from Speaker New lor ore оо many coups. 


Bul Sue gels prime exposure being perky on N 

And Bills slocks even higher now Ihat hes "News enemy” 
As rebels” ond "outsiders, D.C. thinks we've gone aslay; 

Butit tte pubiic buys i, we could run this town someday. 


(To the tune of 
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen) 


God bless ye, Asian gentlemen, 
And white and black ones, too. 
Pm golf's crown prince, and by bloodlines 
Pm kin to all of yov. 

That's why they pay me $40 mil 


Just to endorse a shoe! 


Every tie-in brings me comfort and joy, 


Comfort and joy, 


And to Fuzzy Zoeller, “Season's greetings, bo.” 


(lo the tune of Sarto Сю is Coming fo Town} 
You better not pout, you better not cry, 

‘She'll pimp-slop your ego—ond worse, if you lie. 
Doctor Louro's on in your town. 


She tells you "Grow Ир” ond "No sex lil you're ved" 
And if you dore orgue, “You're hopeless—drop deod! 
Dodor Louro's on in your ‘own. 

{Chorus} 

She sps ol sel-indulgence, she's ріуз enemy. 

Youre sick ond broke at Chrismas? “Токе responsibility!” 


‘She's heard nationwide, you con't get owoy, 

Just give thanks she's not port of your holiday. 

Dodor Lou's on in your town. 

[Chorus] 

‘She sees through your excuses, she sneers of olíbis: 
"Take blome for your abuses—dor't try to rationolize!” 


Shes in every home, she exposes oll flows, 
‚Sort of o puriton, mean anli-Cious. 
| Dodor Louro's on in your town. 


(To the tune of We Three Kings) 
Wethree kings of Orient are 
Bearing cash from donors afar: 
Bankers, Buddhists, 

We'd shake down nudists, 

Just grant us immunity. 
[Chorus] 

ОМА... 

Buying favors, opening doors, 
Don't blame us, the rules are yours. 
Ifyou hate it you abate it: 

Stop electing hacks and whores. 


Jee BY, be 
ie fy 


ILLUSTRATIONS 8Y JOE CIARDIELLO 


e Togs 


strike a halance between 
stuffy and scruffy 


These are pictures from a fashion shoot. The presents 
weren't real, the champagne wasn't exactly flowing and the 
photos were taken in late summer. However, something 
more than the shutter clicked—our boys and girls really hit 
it off. When they're comfortable in their clothes, people con- 
nect. Wear Timberlands and jeans to a holiday blast featur- 
ing caviar blini and bubbly, and you'll be the first to leave. 
Thankfully, today's new dress-up code goes both ways. With 
mod stretch suits that have a touch of velvet and with shirts 
that have a bit of shine, you'll be cooler than the year's first 
snow. But if you doubt the effect that fine clothes have on 
beautiful women, just remember: The camera never lies. 


fashion by 
HOLLIS WAYNE 


Look slick standing tall or on 
bended knee. The toaster on 
the far left wears a single- 
breasted suit ($695) by 
DKNY. It’s made with a 
stretch nylon blend. The cot- 
ton shirt ($67) and antique 
velvet tie ($47) are also by 
DKNY. His boots ($185) by 
Kenneth Cole zip on the side. 
The supplicant ot necr left 
wears a dauble-breasted vel- 
vet jacket ($700) and match- 
ing trou ($250) by PS Poul 
‘Smith. The cotton stretch 
shirt with French cuffs 
($350), by Jahn Bartlett, 

goes nicely with a jacquerd 
tie ($98) by Prada. The lace- 
up shoes ($150) cre by Ken- 
neth Cole. Her dress is by 
Thierry Mugler and her shoes 
оге by Marc Jacobs. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


Impress her with presence. Tuxedos are 
more versatile than ever. His single- 

breasted tuxedo jacket ($610) has velvet 

5 lapels and his matching trousers ($320) 
= hove a Velvet waistband (trust us). Add the 
telltale velvet shirt ($345) to the mix and 

you know thet it’s all by the daring Nicole 

Farhi, Recognize the zip boots? They're 

by Kenneth Cole (again, $185). Her 

dress is by Kolinka and her shoes 

ore by Andrea Carrano. 


156 


Step up your game far the halidays 
At left, we present a monochramatic 
outfit by Giorgio Armani. The double- 
breasted suit ($2225) is a waol-vis- 
case blend. The cotton shirt ($355) 
hos a buttandown collar with a high 
neckline. The tie ($110) is velvet. 
(The shaes are by Kenneth Cole, 
$150.) At near right (apposite page), 
you'll see с velvet jacket ($975) and 
matching pants ($325) by Paul Smith. 
The silver club shirt ($300 from Aes- 
thetics by Maurice Malane) looks 
good whether you're an the dance 
floor or sitting in o cigar lounge. The 
shoes—all together naw—are by 
Kenneth Cale ($150). The man in the 
middle is decked aut in Prada. The 
slim-fitted suit ($1650) is gabardine, 
the khcki shirt ($303) is stretch cot- 
ton, the tie ($98) is jacquard and the. 
shoes ($525) are, well, expensive. 
On this page, his private dancer 
wears a dress by Yeohlee and shaes 
by Sophie Garel Couture. And, at lost 
call, the bauncy babe at right was 
still wearing a dress by Free Follies. 
PROPS ANO WOMEN S STYLING BY CANNON 


HAIR EY GABRIEL SABA FOR JOHN SAHAG WORKSHOP N YC. 
MAKEUP BY RUDY SOTOMAYOR 


5 
— D D 


PAGE 195 


WHERE & HOWTO BUYON! 


PLAYBOY 


158 


DR. WEIL cei 


The drug increases sexual performance in rats. 
Whether it does the same in humans is unclear. 


wen: An Ayurvedic herb. The word 
means “smells like a horse.” 

pLavsov: That ought to get us far... 
weit: It works for many people. It is 
sold in capsules in health-food stores. 
Just follow dosage recommendations 
оп the product. There are many other 
Chinese herbal formulas thought to 
crease male sexual function. You can 
ask a practitioner of traditional CI 
nese medicine about them. The tonic 
ho shou wu, from the root of Polygo- 
num multiflorum, is said to be a pow- 
erful sexual tonic. It is believed to in- 
crease sexual energy, improve sperm. 
production in men and promote fertil- 
ity in women. Paradoxically, a proven 
sex-drive enhancer for women is the 
male hormone testosterone, Women 
produce their own testosterone, and 
reputable scientific studies show that 
tiny additional amounts can increase li- 
bido dramatically. An herb that may in- 
crease a woman's interest in sex is the 
Mexican plant damiana, though not 
that much is known about it. 1 recom- 
mend that people try one of these for a 
few months and see what happens. An- 
other important thing is that both 
physical and mental well-being are es- 
sential to healthy sex. Hypnotherapy 
and guided imagery therapy can help 
you make the most of the mind-body 
connection in overcoming sexual prob- 
lems. We've all heard that the greatest. 
aphrodisiac is the human mind. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have nontraditional 
treatments for impotence? 

WEIL: All these sexual enhancers are 
useful for that. In general, with impo- 
tence or reduced sexuality in men, I 
would certainly try these alternative 
approaches before getting involved in 
urological workups and implants—ma- 
chines that cause erections and all that. 
There are often simple solutions to im- 
potence. One of the more common 
physical problems, reduced blood flow 
to the area, can be caused by smoking. 
Also, sexuality is heavily influenced by 
emotions and psychology. Impotence is 
much more likely to have a psychologi- 
cal cause than a physical one. Men 
spend lots of money on products that 
claim to boost male potency, but few of 
them actually work, 

PLAYBOY: How are those different from 
the aphrodisiacs you mentioned? 

WEIL; There's a lot of stuff out there, 
from vitamin E preparations to rice 
bran oil to something called gama 
arisonal. The only drug currently list- 


ed in the Physicians’ Desh Reference as a 
sexual booster is yohimbine, derived 
from the bark of an African tree and 
long rumored to be an aphrodisiac. 
Yohimbine is a stimulant that some- 
times appears as a street drug. Users 
report distinctive and pleasurable tin- 
gling sensations along the spine and 
the genitals. Manufacturers say it in- 
creases erections in men. Currently itis 
a prescription drug, available under 
the brand names Yocon, Yohimex and 
Aphrodyne. Yohimbé bark and ex- 
tracts are sometimes sold in health- 
food stores. Yohimbine is relatively 
safe, with minor side effects in recom- 
mended dosage, but little scientific re- 
search exists to back up the claims 
made for it. The drug increases sexual 
arousal and performance in male rats. 
Whether it does the same in male hu- 
mans is unclear. It does not appear to 
increase human sexual desire but may 
boost erectile and ejaculatory ability, 
which would make it worth trying in 
cases of physical impotence. A doctor 
must prescribe и. 

Of all the categories of products rec- 
ommended to increase male potency, 
hormones have the strongest biological 
effects. Testosterone is our principal 
androgen. Recent research has shown 
that testosterone 15 an attractive sexual 
booster, but oddly enough, women 
may benefit from it more than men. 
Getting the dose right is critical. Unless 
men are deficient in testosterone, tak- 
ing extra is not going to do too much. 
At the same time, it can be a miracle 
cure for men who have suffered in- 
juries to their testes or who were born 
with insufficient testosterone or who 
have little free testosterone in their 
blood as the result of aging. Even in 
these cases the manner of administra- 
tion is important. The testosterone 
patch delivers the hormone in amounts 
and rhythms that closely mimic the 
natural state. But unusually high levels 
of androgens may hurt men physical- 
ly or emotionally, causing a higher 
ofheart attacks, for example, or in- 
creased aggressiveness. 

PLAYBOY: How can men avoid prostate 
cance 
wei: More than any other cancer, this 
one seems preventable through diet. 
For one thing, men should make sure 
то include tomatoes and tomato prod- 
ucts in their diet. Clinical studies show 
that the red pigment in tomatoes, ly- 
copene, reduces the risk of prostate 


cancer One large study reported in the 
Journal of the National Cancer Institute 
showed that men who ate just two serv- 
ings of tomatoes a week—raw as well as 
cooked, even in sauces—had a 34 per- 
cent lower risk of developing prostate 
cancer. 
юлувоу: Does ketchup count? 
WEIL: Yes. 
PLAYEOY: So, in fact, President Reagan 
was right—ketchup is a vegetable. 
WEIL: Yes. 
rLavsoy: Do you recommend anything 
other than tomatoes? 
WEIL: Soy offers tremendous protec- 
tion. It reduces the risk of both pros- 
tatic enlargement and prostate cancer. 
pLaysoy: Now you're saying we have to 
eat tofu? 
меш: Not if you don’t like it. I try to 
terest people in the fresh green soy- 
beans you get in sushi bars. They give 
you all the protective isoflavalins you 
need. I also recommend the usual: less 
red meat, more fish, more fruits and 
vegetables. The most important thing 
is to get plenty of water, because dehy- 
dration stresses the prostate. Also, you 
should avoid prostate irritants such as 
coffee, alcohol, tobacco and red pep- 
per. Zinc deficiency can lead to prostate 
problems, so make sure you get 
enough, either by eating pumpkin 
seeds or taking supplements. A good 
preventive dosage is 30 milligrams 
once a day, which would give men 
great protection against prostate can- 
cer. If you experience prostate enlarge- 
ment, I'd advise taking saw palmetto, 
an herbal remedy made from the par- 
tially dried berries of Serenoa repens, a 
small palm native to the southeastern 
U.S. Saw palmetto protects the pros- 
tate from the irritating effects of testos- 
terone and promotes shrinkage of the 
gland. The best form is a standard ex- 
tract, taken as 160 milligrams twice a 
day. Another herb, Pygeum africanum, 
is also beneficial to the prostate and 
is sometimes added to saw palmetto 
formulas. 
PLAYBOY: How about testicular cancer? 
WEIL: Testicular tumors are the most 
common type of cancer in men 25 to 35 
years old, though men from 15 to 45 
are at risk. The fact that testicular can- 
cer occurs at a relatively young age 
suggests that it has an origin different 
from the cancers that commonly occur 
in older people. Generally, cancers in 
younger people result from a rapid de- 
velopment of embryonic cells left over 
from fetal development. Other sorts of 
cancers arise from malignant transfor- 
mation of cells. Anything that increases 
cell division is going to increase the risk 
of cancer. DES (diethylstilbestrol) is 
suspect, as are other synthetic hor- 
mones. DES is an estrogen that was 
(continued on page 176) 


ч DB а = nee E, 


“He talked me into oral sex once. I got frostbite.” 


тт 


159 


0 N S 


SH Kock 


B € is оп a roll. With his long-distance 
telephone ads, his providing the voice 
for Nike's Lil’ Penny spots, his comedy al- 
bum ("Roll With the New”), his HBO late- 
night series and his first book (“Rock 
This!”), it's been a veritable landslide for 
Chris Rock, Brooklyn native and resident. 

But the voll hasn't always been smooth. 
The son of a Bedford-Stuyvesant truck driv- 
ет, Rock was bused to an all-white elemen- 
tary school, where he “was smacked around 
like a hockey puck” by some of his classmates. 
He left high school early with the idea of be- 
coming Eddie Murphy. One night, while 
Rock was waiting to go on at a Manhattan 
comedy club, the superstar walked in and be- 
friended Rock, and soon the kid was rolling. 
with the Black Pack. 

The Murphy association landed Rock a 
spot on an HBO comedy special and a bit 
part in “Beverly Hills Cop IL" but that 
didn't guarantee a career. He spent years on 
the comedy circuit, where he learned from 
up-and-comers Jerry Seinfeld, Tim Allen 
and Sam Kinison. There were funny ap- 
pearances in “I'm Gonna Gil You Sucka,” 
“Boomerang” and his cum movie, the rap 
salire "CB4." But Rock's career took is big 
upward turn during a three-year stint on 
“Saturday Night Live.” That growth contin- 
ued with half à season on “In Living Color." 
His half-hour HBO stand-up special “Big 
Ass Jokes” won a cable Ace award. That was 
followed by his landmark “Bring the Pain” 
special in which he skewered politicians, 
black leaders, obnoxious black behavior and 
the murky waters of relationships. Rock has 
been a big boulder ever since. 

Nelson George dined with him at a 
Brooklyn luncheonette. George reports: 

“Eating a few 


ica" blocks hi 

атп Ba 
treated with di 

freshest A x 

i taff. A 

comicon шып 

his roots, stopped by for an 

M autograph, but 

tlie perils most of the cus- 

tomers respected 

of humor the comic's priva- 

cy. Rock, who 

and what’s sometimes. refers 


to himself as ‘the 
duke of doubt," 
is nob going to 
allow this cur- 
zent popularity 
to blur his long- 
range goal—be- 
ing funny until 
he drops.” 


shaking with 
the tossed 
salad man 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 


PLAYBOY: ere your success as a 
stand-up and the number of stand-ups 
with sitcoms, why is there no sitcom on 
your résumé? Not even a pilot. 

ROCK: Because 1 don't like sitcoms. I 
grew up in one of the worst eras for sit- 
coms—the Seventies: Three’s Company, 
The Love Boat. Seinfeld grew up with an 
appreciation of sitcoms because he 
watched The Odd Couple. 1 grew up 
watching really wacky shows. It tainted 
my outlook. I wish I could shake it, be- 
cause there's a lot of money in it. 


2. 


pravsov: Why do most current black 
sitcoms suck? 

ROCK: It's weird, because we've had 
some really good black sitcoms. The Jef- 
fersons is as funny as any sitcom ever 
was. Way better than those Seventies 
shows I just mentioned. Good Times was 
good when it had the dichotomy of 
Jimmie Walker and John Amos. But 
the problem is larger than black sit- 
coms. The problem is that TV has be- 
come radio. It's on 24 hours a day, and 
when you're on 24 hours a day you're. 
going to play a lot of bullshit. 


B 


PLAYBOY: Bill Cosby has been critical of 
your generation of black comedians. Is 
this his problem or yours? 

ROCK: I love Bill Cosby, but he's overre- 
acting. I mean, how many guys are go- 
ing to be good at anything? This is the 
era of the Def Comedy Jam, so let's say 
there have been 100 comedians on that. 
show. How many of those guys can be 
good? The reason you're interviewing 
me now is that most people aren't 
good. If most guys were good, I'd 
make $200 a week. Like the jock who 
also has a good personality and is 
smart, Cosby just doesn't understand 
mediocrity. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Are black people too sensitive 
about their depiction in the media? 
ROCK: A lot of times we don't know how 
to watch art and enjoy it for what it is. 
Either I'm liking it or I’m not. Don't 
think some guy telling pussy jokes is 
going to hold back the civil rights 
movement. We need to be more like 
the Italians who can watch a good 
Mafia movie and say, "That's a good 
movie" and not be affected by it. 


PLAYBOY: What was the toughest part of 
your tenure on Saturday Night Live? 
ROCK: The ghost of Eddie Murphy. His 
shoes were really hard to fill. A lot of 
the time I was there I didn't think I was 
doing good work because I was judg- 
ing myself against him, and people 
around me were judging me against 
him. I was as good as David Spade or 
Rob Schneider or anybody else in the 
cast. I held up my end, but the ghost of. 
Eddie Murphy was powerful. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Js there a contemporary ver- 
sion of Murphy's Black Pack, which 
included Arsenio Hall, Keenen Ivory 
and Damon Wayans and Robert 
Townsend? 
воск: Nobody hangs out together like 
that because everyone is working. Fora 
long time when Eddie had the Black 
Pack, he was the only one in that crew 
actually working. He was the only one 
with a big house. He had the pool, so 
everybody hung out with him. My con- 
temporaries—Martin Lawrence, Mark 
Curry, Chris Tucker, Joe Torry—we all 
have our own cribs. But there's still a 
lot of camaraderie. Tucker is like my 
brother. Dave Chappelle is like my little 
brother. Martin is like my crazy cousin. 
It's like we're frat brothers who went to 
different colleges. 

7. 
PLAYBOY: Explain your friendship with 
Sam Kinison and his influence on you. 
ROCK: There аге a lot of guys who had 
an influence on me as a kid, but no- 
body had more influence on me as a 
grown man, on my comedy, than Kini- 
son. He's the only guy in the past 25 
years who did something new. He had 
a whole new style—the yelling, the 
dark, dark, dark subjects. Not stuff you 
didn't want to talk about, but stuff you 
weren't even thinking about talking 
about. Everybody was doing, "Take my 
wife, please”; he was doing, “My wife 
took me to the cleaners.” The man 
would also question relig 
dy routine. Loved him. 


8. 


тлүвоу: Have you heard from the 
Tossed Salad Man? 

ROCK: Never have heard from the 
Tossed Salad Man. I think he's in jail 
for life, so 1 don't think he's going to 
pop up. None of his friends have called 
either. 


161 


PLAYBOY 


162 


9. 


PLAYBOY: You've blasted Marion Barry 
in your act. Has the mayor responded? 
ROCK: While covering the Republican 
Convention for Politically Incorrect, 1 
talked to him on the phone. He men- 
tioned to me that he didnt like the 
jokes I was telling. He said I was doing 
a disservice to the city of Washington, 
D.C. Then I met him at the Democrat- 
ic Convention while appearing on Tom 
Joyner's radio show. We shook hands 
and he gave me a look. At that moment 
I could tell he was thinking of smack- 
ing the shit out of me. I won't be doing 
any more jokes about him. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: Are Republicans funnier than 
Democrats? 

ROCK: It’s easier to make fun of Re- 
publicans than Democrats because Re- 
publicans don't bend. Extremism is al- 
ways funnier. Paul Tsongas was never 
going to be as funny as Jesse Helms. If 
you caught Tsongas out there he'd go, 
“ОК, you got me." Helms will try to 
change the law and get you arrested. 


п. 


PLAYBOY: You're a member of ће hip- 
hop generation. How has that affected 
your comedy? 

ROCK: You can listen to Bill Cosby and 
tell hc listens to jazz, because it's about 
setting the mood, taking your time to 
get into it. You really have to listen to 
get into it. Because of his love for jazz, 
Cosby uses the longest setup in the 
world, and it's just fine. Me, coming up 
on rap, I get to it right away because in 
гар you get to it right away. Musically, 
when they sample they take all the bad 
parts out of the record and loop the 
good parts. Like my comedy, it's short 
and to the point. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: You have said that women 
love a man with a sense of humor. Do 
you think that humor helped you get 
your wife? 

ROCK: It helped in the sense that I had 
a job, that I elevated myself to a spot 
where 1 could meet such a woman. But 
funny is overrated. It's not so impor- 
tant as money. If you get some money 
you can go see a comedy. Bill Gates can 
watch Seinfeld with his woman. She 
doesn't mind that Bill's not a quick wit. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Who is the greatest stand-up 
comedian ever? 

Rock: Richard Pryor has a body of 
work that nobody will be able to touch. 
He might be the greatest stand-up co- 
median ever. Cosby is right there too, 
but for different rcasons. Cosby's the 


only guy in history who has figured out 
how to be funny in every phase of his 
life. He has jokes he told 20 years ago 
that he would never tell now because 
they're too silly for him. I don't think 
Cosby has ever been as funny as Pryor, 
but Pryor has told the same jokes his 
whole career. 

Eddie Murphy had a stage presence. 
comparable to Pryor's and could have 
been the greatest stand-up if he hadn't 
gotten so deep into movies. 

You know the guy who is right next 
to Pryor and Cosby? George Carlin. 
He's found ways to be funny at differ- 
ent points in his life. Carlin is so funny 
he's found ways to change his views on 
things. That's a whole other thing. Cos- 
by will never say, “I was wrong about 

” and tell a joke about it. Carlin 
can. Carlin gets overlooked because he 
never became a superstar in movies or 
on television. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: Is there a bulletproof joke—a 
perfect joke that anyone could tell and 
geta laugh with? 

ROCK: No. Every joke has a hole in it. 
Every joke is nonsense next to logic. 
There's always someone who's not go- 
ing to get it. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: You do a lot of relationship 
material in your act. Does any of it get 
you into trouble with your wife? 

ROCK: Every now and then she'll bring 
up something. “Do you really feel that 
way? Is that about me?" When I men- 
tion something onstage it has usually 
happened a couple of times in real life. 
What happens with my wife is, she does 
something that reminds me of what an 
ex-girlfriend did. Then I realize all wom- 
en do this, and turn it into a joke. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: References to your family— 
brothers, uncles, your parents—come 
up often in your comedy. Is your fami- 
ly funny? 

ROCK: Rocks have big personalities. My 
grandfather was funny. My dad is fun- 
ny. All my uncles are hysterical. I am 
not the funniest guy in my family. If 
you get us at a gathering I pretty much 
shut up and let everybody do their 
thing. In most comedians’ families 
there’s a lot of misguided wit. Then 
one person in the family takes it to 
the stage. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: You have your own late-night 
show on HBO. Has it been difficult go- 
ing from being interviewee to inter- 
viewer? 

Rock: People make a much bigger deal 
of it than it is. I interview one person 


a week for five minutes. I'm a little 
spoiled as an interviewer. My first in- 
terview was for VH-1, with the Artist 
Formerly Known as Prince. Then with 
Michael Jordan for Vibe. My third, and 
the first on my show, was with Johnnie 
Cochran. So they were people I was in- 
terested in and a big fan of. 

It's going to get hard when I have to 
interview people 1 couldn't care less 
about. The trick will be not letting 
them know. The biggest reason I took 
the HBO offer and turned down all the 
others I had for nightly shows was that 
I couldn't imagine having to interview 
some bad sitcom star. “So, Bronson, 
how's it going?" 


18. 


PLAYBOY: There's a knock that your 
generation of Saturday Night Live сазы 
members aren't becoming as big in 
movies as your predecessors. Would 
you care to respond? 

ROCK: There's a big myth that every- 
body who leaves SNL is successful in 
movies. In reality there are maybe five 
guys—Eddie Murphy, Chevy Chase, 
John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd. Billy 
Crystal has done well. There have been 
more than 100 cast members and 
maybe five are certifiable movie stars. 
Most of those who succeed create their 
own projects. Adam Sandler writes his 
own stuff. The Ghostbusters guys wrote 
that movie. Mike Myers came up with 
Wayne's World and Austin Powers. When 
you write movies you have something. 
you want to say comedically, there’s 
some joke you want people to see. 
‘Then there are some people who write 
movies to make money, and when you 
do that you're just going to fuck up. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: Who's the finest woman in 
America? 

ROCK: 1 hate to be obvious. You could 
say Janet Jackson or Halle Berry and 
that would be it. You know who I al- 
ways thought was fine? Phylicia Ra- 
shad. Vivica Fox is bad, too. 


20. 


pLavsoy: How did you like writing your 
first book? 

ROCK: I just sat and riffed. I don't want 
to sound like one of those guys who 
says he's just flowing with jokes, but a 
lot of it is just telling funny stories. 
When I wasa kid the teacher would ask 
us to write а story and I'd always write 
a funny one. So thar's what the book is. 
It was tedious. Don't know if I'll do an- 
other one. With all the stuff I wrote 
down I kept thinking, I could do this 
onstage. Why am I writing it to be read 
when I could write it to perform? 


"I told you Santa would like Aunt Mona more than gingersnaps!” 


163 


here they come, from soundstage, printed page, tv set and 
internet: those tempting beings who quicken pulses and ignite libidos 


Just what does it take to become a sex star in 1997? For openers, it helps if your name be- 
gins with Mc. Just ask Matthew McConaughey, Jenny McCarthy or Ewan McGregor. It’s a plus, too, if you have Irish blood 
(George Clooney, Liam Neeson, Pierce Brosnan, Michael Flatley) or have appeared in PLAYBOY (Pamela Anderson Lee, Carmen 
Electra, Farrah Fawcett, Victoria Silvstedt). Jenny McCarthy, come to think of it, scores in all three categories, No wonder 
she's the most popular star on the Zone, a Web site celebrating celebrityhood; at last count, just typing her name on Ya- 
hoo brought up 46 sites dedicated to the empress of funny faces. (The hottest man on the Web, according to Lycos, is 
golfer Tiger Woods.) Jenny said goodbye to her MTV launching pad, Singled Out, in favor of (text continued on page 174) 


Hype over his split with Gwyneth, Playmate mugs her way to stardom via MTV, NBC 
suit against Playgirl overshadow Tibet. and an astonishing array of magazine covers. 


MILLA JOVOVICH Elemental 
Ex-model exhibits her pluck as 
The Fifth Element's perfect being. 


VICTORIA SILVSTEDT Guess a: 
гедесеѕѕ‹ 
mes а spi 


JENNIFER LOPEZ Sexy Selena | 
Role as slain songstress leads | 
10 films with Penn, Clooney. 


turns action һего- 
CD-ROM venture. 


t 
UK's latest Page Three Girl busts into stardom, 


leaving Samantha Fox in the tabloid dust. 


V. Altar'd state 
Wedding bride be- 
comes McGregor's kidnap victim, 


JUL | ights our fire 
English Patient’ ner displays 
generosity and that certain je ne sais quoi. 


Tomorrow Never Dies. 


Lo 


EWAR SOR Great Scot 
Four 1997 films, Star Wars prove this 
| newcomer has the force with him. 


Ju e 
So long, bad career move: 
brings her two hits and no misses. 


A % 


Chasing Amy's lipstick lesbian teams 
with director beau for Dogma. 


ES 


= 


í 2 
Zu 
MICHAEL FLATLEY Lord of the prance 
А / New take on Irish step dancing earns 
* BX, hoofer millions—in dollars and fans. 


7 
A ıl 1 uam н ж лғ 


(=. 


DAISY FUENTES Fast forward 
House of Style hostess wins gig on 
America's Funniest Home Videos. 


| ; 
|| family, autobiography and sitcom. xy Wi 


in 


Shy no more, this preacher's daughter wins] 
Grammy and American Music Award honors.| 


| TONI BRAXTON Top thrush 


NEVE CAMPBELL Scream queen 
Hailed as “the new Jamie Lee,” 


> 


a 


SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR 


Bloodsuckers beware 
Soap vet conquers all in WB-TV's 
y first hit, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. v 


SOPHIE MARCEAU Bien súr 
Voilà: Top-drawer talent 
and French undressi 


CARMEN ELECTRA Singled in 2 TIGER WOODS Fore! 
Ex-Prince protégée and PLAYBOY pictorial \ Finally, the game of golf 
fave plays cupid on Singled Out. N gets a champion of color. 


\М ANDER leuth 
Reserved as The x Files" Scully, Hey 
smolders in slinky dresses offscreen. 


Newlywed х-! Files agent DONO 
оз Playing God's addicted doc. 


TEA LEONI David's most \ 
The Naked Truth's star nabs DER, 
plans io mauka gn (allstar! Impact next your. 


E 3 in 
ER R dreamboot (апа [Em ne) tackles 
Dreamworks’ terrorists and Wild Wild West. 


| 
mown: TI ES (E VIER 


Marriage to tennis pro Andre Ages 
tops success with her television series. 


FARRAH FAWCETT Artist and model 
Two PLAYBOY pictorials, a pay-per-view special and 
chart-topping video make her a multimedia mogul. 


POLTAUTYLBUO Y, 


174 


that cable net's The Jenny McCarthy 
Show and NBC-TV's new sitcom Jen- 
ny—meanwhile appearing on nearly 
every magazine cover in the country 
outside of National Geographic's. 

Hispanics, too, are faring well in the 
race to sex stardom. Antonio Banderas 
has been relatively quiet this year, rest- 
ing after his gig as Che in Evila and en- 
joying parenthood with Melanie Griffith. 
Having made more than 40 (mostly 
Spanish) films during his 15 years as an 
actor, he deserves a break. Antonio's fe- 
male fans await his 1998 releases: The 
Mask of Zorro, The Sparrow and Eaters of 
the Dead, a.k.a. The Vikings, based on a 
Michael Crichton novel. Meanwhile, 
such Latina lovelies as Selma (Fools Rush 
In, Breaking Up) Hayek, Jennifer (Sele- 
na, Anaconda) Lopez, Cameron (My Best 
Friend's Wedding, Feeling Minnesota) Diaz 
and Daisy Fuentes, who's adding hosting. 
duties on America's Funniest Home Videos 
to her MTV's House of Style gig, are 
steaming screens large and small. Lo- 
pez is said to be the first Hispanic ac- 
tress to command $1 million per pic- 
ture—not quite in the $12 million 
league of Demi Moore and Julia Roberts, 
but a definite start in that direction. 
The recently released U-Turn, direct- 
ed by Oliver Stone, pairs Lopez with 
Nick Nolte and Sean Penn. Next year 
Lopez will team with Clooney in Out of 
ur Hayek, who was Esmeralda in 
TNT's The Hunchback, plans to co-pro- 
duce and star in a biography of Mexi- 
can artist Frida Kahlo—having fought 
Madonna for the rights to the project. 
Diaz plays McGregor's kidnap victim in 
A Life Less Ordinary. McCarthy's Singled 
Out successor, former Prince protégée 
Carmen Electra, herself a popular 
PLAYBOY model, would seem to belong 
in this south-of-the-border sisterhood, 
except that she hails from Cincinnati 
and her real name, Tara Patrick, 
is Irish. 

Television is the starting block for 
many current sex stars. In whats 
rapidly becoming a nation of couch 
potatoes, perhaps this TV mania isn’t 
surprising, but times have changed 
since a Clint Eastwood had to go to Spain 
and film spaghetti Westerns before 
overcoming his image (as Rawhide's 
Rowdy Yates) from what was then соп- 
sidered a second-class medium. Today, 
where would sex stardom be without 
The X-Files’ Gillion Anderson and David 
Duchovny or ER’s Clooney? (Clooney 
battles nuclear terrorism with Nicole 
Kidman in Dreamworks’ first release, 
The Peacemaker; next year he'll team 
with Will smith in the movie version of 
TV's Wild Wild West.) There's Xena: 
Warrior Princess’ Lucy Lawless, Buffy the 
Vampire Slayer's Sarah Michelle Gellar 
(who made her mark on the soap All 
My Children) and The Naked Truth's tea 


Leoni. Party of Five's Neve Campbell just 
finished making the sequel to her sum- 
mer hit Scream. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air 
alumnus Smith (а cinematic show-steal- 
er in Independence Day and Men in 
Black) is due soon with girlfriend Jada 
Pinkett in Love for Hire. And don't forget 
the aforementioned McCarthy and 
Fawcett. Even Brooke Shields, a veteran 
of Hollywood soundstages since her 
early teens, didn’t become a full- 
fledged star until the debut of her NBC 
series Suddenly Susan. 

PLAYBOY Exposure continues to be a 
career booster, not only for Jenny, 
Pamela and Carmen but also for Play- 
mate of the Year Victoria Silvstedt. Victo- 
ria won a Guess Jeans contract, the dis- 
tinction of starring in Playboy's first 
DVD and a guest shot in a sitcom on 
the heels of her PMOY selection. Miss 
April 1996 Gillian Bonner used her Play- 
mate status to market her interactive 
CD-ROM game, Riana Rouge. While 
expecting her second child, Pamela de- 
parted Baywatch to work on a proposed 
syndicated series about celebrity body- 
guards. Her planned autobiography, 
Pamdemonium, has been delayed, but 
she took time out to host a much-re- 
peated episode of Saturday Night Live. 
Fawcett, long established as a ГУ star, 
revved her résumé with two PLAYBOY 
magazine appearances—plus a pay- 
per-view TV special and a chart-top- 
ping video. 

Still, dream gods and goddesses con- 
tinue to burst from the screens of dark- 
ened moviehouses. Matthew Mc- 
Conaughey, the past year's surprise 
newcomer, scored this year as a theolo- 
gian in Contact, as a principled attorney 
in Amistad and as a leader of an outlaw 
gang in The Newton Boys. His successor 
this year, Scotland’s McGregor, boasts 
a résumé leading all the way from 
Tramspotiing's Edinburgh to Holly- 
wood, with four 1997 films—The Pillow 
Book, Nightwatch, Brassed Off and A Life 
Less Ordinary—to his credit. He's now 
filming the Star Wars prequel, in the 
role of the young Obi-Wan Kenobi. Mc- 
Gregor will be joined in that cast by 
Jedi knight Liam Neeson, who played 
the title roles in Schindler's List, Rob Roy 
and Michael Collins and stars as Jean 
Valjean in the just-released version of 
Les Misérables. 

Sex star couples, married and other- 
wise, have split up in droves this year. 
Fawcett and live-in love Ryan O'Neal 
called it quits after nearly 18 years; 
Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow broke off 
their engagement, announced while 
he was filming Seven Years in Tibet in 
the Andes, after a mere six months. At 
least Pietra Thornton got to show off her 
cleavage at the Academy Awards before 
socking Billy Bob, her Oscar-winning 
spouse of four years, with divorce pa- 


pers a few weeks later. Actress Geena 
Davis and director Renny Harlin parted 
after three and a half years; two years 
were as long as the Neve Campbell Jeff 
Colt and Gillian Anderson-Clyde Klotz 
marriages endured. (Tabloids here and 
abroad alleged that Gillian dumped 
new boyfriend Adrian Hughes even 
faster when it was reported that he'd 
been accused of sexual assault by sever- 
al women in Canada.) Jim Carrey and 
Lauren Holly didn't manage to celebrate 
their first anniversary, while the Ashley 
Hemilton-Angie Everhart union was re- 
portedly kaput afier 89 days. Only 
their lawyers know whether the off- 
again, on-again relationship of Dudley 
Moore and wife number four, Nicole 
Rothschild, is off or on this week, but 
Mick Jagger and wife Jerry Hall have 
made up and are expecting their 
fourth child, despite gossip about his 
alleged dalliances with the likes of Uma 
Thurman and model Jana Rajlich. 

One can only wish a happier out- 
come for the partners in 1997's news- 
worthy nuptials, which joined Kelsey 
Grammer and Playboy Newsstand Spe- 
cials model Camille Donatacci, Brooke 
Shields and tennis pro Andre Agassi, 
Sylvester Stallone and model Jennifer Fla- 
vin, and Linda Hamilton and her Termina- 
tor director James Cameron, who man- 
aged to fit in a wedding ceremony 
despite his troubles at the helm of the 
disaster flick Titanic. David Duchovny 
and Téa Leoni used their offseason TV 
hiatus to get married and make movies 
(he's an addicted physician in Playing 
God; she'sin the upcoming Deep Impact, 
about a comet heading to earth). Joey 
Lauren Adams and her steady, director 
Kevin (Clerks) Smith, haven't yet tied 
the knot, but their screen partnership 
appears solid. After casting Adams in 
his second feature, Mallrats, Smith 
wrote this year’s Chasing Amy (in which 
Joey was the lesbian object of Ben Af- 
fleck's affections) especially for her. The 
duo will team again for Smith's next 
film, Dogma, a satire of the Catholic 
Church. 

Juliette Binoche, the delightful nurse 
Hana in The English Patient, showed 
Gallic generosity when she announced 
at this year's Oscar ceremonies that her 
Best Supporting Actress statuette 
should have gone to Lauren Bacall. An- 
other irresistible Frenchwoman, Sophie 
Marceau—best known to American au- 
diences as the princess who dallied 
with Mel Gibson in Braveheart—played 
the title role in this year's Anna Kareni- 
na remake and should widen her State- 
side appeal with the recently released 
Firelight. 

From the world of music, Michael 
Fladey—the step-dancing star of River- 
dance who left that show 10 stage his 
own spectacular Lord of the Dance—and 


“Your name is an anagram of Satan. That is so fucking cool!” 


PLAYBOY 


176 


singer Toni Braxton are standouts, along 
with the femme groups the Spice Girls 
and En Vogue. Braxton transformed her- 
self from the shy daughter of a funda- 
mentalist preacher to a bold clothes- 
horse in see-through outfits at such 
events as the American Musicand Gram- 
my awards shows. "I wear provocative 
clothes because they make me feel sexy,” 
"Toni told Vibe. ^I gotta wear them now 
before my booty gets flat." 

The British, of course, have their own 
way of introducing potential sex stars: 
page three of the thriving tabloid press. 
Now on the throne once occupied Ьу 
Samentha Fox is Melinda Messenger. Нег 
lingerie-clad appearance in an early 
1997 ad campaign for double-glazed 
windows (the slogan was “Class Behind 
Glass”) started й all. Today the Royal 
Mail will deliver an envelope bearing 
just her picture and the name of her 
hometown, Swindon, to her door. "Mel," 
as all true Brits know her today, was 
booted from page three of The Sun for 
having breast implants, but The Mirror 
gladly picked her up. Messenger was 


hired to promote the National Lottery 
апа is reportedly slated to play blonde 
bombshell Diane Ders in an upcoming 
made-for-TV movie. 

‘The last few years have seen the resur- 
gence of a new genre of sex star: The 
dassic, immortal pin-up. Just as Elvis 
Presley still rcigns as the King, fans have 
m Monroe, the Sweetheart 
PLAYBOY'S premiere is- 
sue, history's top glamour girl of all time. 
Marilyn has been gone for 35 years, but 
previously unpublished MM photos con- 
tinue to surface. Fans polled for Steve 
Sullivan's recently published Glamour 
Girls of the Century voted her number one 
by a wide margin over runner-up Raqvel 
Welch. Playmates Jayne Mansfield and Bet- 
tie Page occupied the third and fifth posi- 
tions, respectively, and December 
1968, Cynthia Myers, came in at number 
12. Devotees of these classic pin-ups con- 
tinue to flock to conventions, log on to 
Web sites and keep sales of glamour-girl 
picture books humming ricely. 


"Whatever you do, don't mention the captain's new nose job." 


DR. WEIL 


(continued from page 158) 
given to millions of women from the 
Forties through the Sixties as a way to 
prevent pregnancy complications; it was 
banned in 1972 because it was found to 
cause birth defects. Daughters of women 
who were given DES have a higher risk 
of vaginal cancer. DES is also believed to 
be linked to cancer in men, though the 
evidence is less clear. Sons of women 
who were given DES definitely have a 
higher risk of an undescended testicle, 
which in turn carries a greater risk of 
testicular cancer even after it has been 
surgically brought down. A warning sign 
of testicular cancer is a lump in one of 
the testicles. If you notice any unusual 
lump or mass or hardness in your scro- 
tum, you should have it checked by a 
doctor. At the same time, you should 
know that many irregularities you might 
find if you check yourself aren't tumors, 
but you want to make sure. And the cure 
rate for testicular cancer has improved 
dramatically in the past two decades. 
“Twenty years ago it was about 25 per- 
cent, but now it's close to 90. 

PLAYBOY: Does it bother you that some 
people lump you in with quacks, charla- 
tans and faith healers? 
меп: Yes. It’s unavoidable, I guess. I 
hope people will be more discriminating 
and recognize that the methods I'm ad- 
vocating are much more balanced. 
PLAYBOY: Yet you've been called the “gu- 
ru of alternative medicine." 
welt: I don't like that, either. First of all, 
I'm not an uncritical proponent of alter- 
native medicine, certainly not all alterna- 
tive medicine. And I'm not a guru. I'm 
not looking for devotees. 
PLAYBOY: Do you view yourself as a 
healer? 
WEIL: I think healing comes from within. 
I'm not laying hands on people. I'm giv- 
ing them information that enables them 
tounblock and activate the body's natur- 
al healing processes. 
PLAYBOY: At times you advocate some 
pretty strange remedies. Do you under- 
stand the problem many people have 
with New Age medicine? 
WEIL: The truth is that a lot of New Age 
stuff really turns me off. So of course I 
understand the skepticism. It’s why 1 
feel strange when I get lumped in with 
all of that. 
PLAYBOY: Well, you're the one who talks 
about the “energy” of food and pre- 
scribes cranial massages. 
WEIL: One main difference between me 
and the traditional medical community 
is that I'm not closed to speculation 
about many things the medical world ig- 
nores. ГЇЇ consider anything, though 1 
too want scientific proof if I can get it. 
PLAYBOY: But the difference is that you 
don't insist on it. Your harshest critics 
worry that you are pushing cures that 
are unproved. 


WEIL: Well, I don't insist on proof if a 
treatment seems to help people and def- 
initely won't harm them. 

PLAYBOY: But unless treatments are test- 
ed, they may harm people over the long 
run. You just don't know. 

weit: The things I work with, including 
herbs and healing techniques, diet and 
exercise, breathing and meditation, can't 
hurt anyone. But I would like them 
to be studied. That is one ofthe things I 
push for. 
PLAYBOY: One ofthe more unusual things 
you advocate is animal venom. How 
does that work? 

WEIL: I'm interested in bee venom thera- 
ру, in particular, which has a history of 
use for rheumatoid arthritis and multi- 
ple sclerosis. 

PLAYBOY: How about shark cartilage? Ti- 
ger bone? 

WEIL: There's some evidence that there 
are things in shark tissue that inhibit the 
growth of new blood vessels on which tu- 
mors depend, but it's not clear that 
putting shark tissue in your mouth gives 
them to you in a usable form. It wouldn't. 
be my first choice of a treatment for can- 
cer. I know nothing about tiger bone. 
not good for tigers, of course. This 
bad area of Chinese medicine that has 
been extremely destructive to endan- 
gered species and other animals. 
PLAYBOY: Is it worth killing tigers or oth- 
er animals if it helps people? 


WEIL: 1 would prefer to look for a plant 
that had similar properties. 

PLAYBOY: Where did you come across cra- 
nial massage? 

welt: Almost 20 years ago I met a doctor 
named Robert Fulford, who had a busy 
osteopathic practice in Tucson. He's now 
92, and he teaches physicians to do cra- 
nial therapy. Rather than working on a 
symptom, he works on the entire body, 
exploring past injuries, diet, exercise, 
even the way someone breathes. Cranial 
therapy is part of traditional osteopathic 
medicine, which heals by using hands to 
manipulate the skeleton and connective 
tissues. I've found cranial therapy to be 
extremely useful for a wide range of 
problems, including headaches, hyper- 
activity in kids, disturbed sleep cycles 
and asthma. Gentle pressure is applied 
with the hands to the head. The aim is to 
free up restrictions in the movement of 
the cranial bones and allow the subtle 
natural rhythms of the central nervous 
system to express themselves in a bal- 
anced fashion. 

PLAYBOY: It sounds pretty quacky to us. 
WEIL; I’ve seen brilliant clinical successes 
with it. Is a great technique ivs 
one we're going to be emphasizing in 
our training at the university. 

PLAYBOY: Where do you draw the line? 
What in the New Age healing world 
is nuts? 

меп: There are some therapies that look 


dangerous to me: oxygen, ozone and hy- 
drogen peroxide therapies as well as 
other therapies that use strong chemi- 
cals. I wouldn't let anybody put them in- 
to me. I'm turned off by people who use 
devices such as electronic acupuncture 
machines with vibrating needles. And 
I'm extremely turned off by all the mul- 
tilevel marketing of products such as 
colonial minerals, super blue-green al- 
gae and Tahitian no-ni. It seems there's 
one a month, a miracle cure that you 
can't live without. All the parametal stuff 
is suspect and the claims made about 
them are ridiculous. The other kind of 
medicine that turns me off is chelation 
therapy and the people giving intra- 
venous this and that. The near-religious 
fervor that goes along with the distri- 
bution of a lot of this stuff really turns 
me off. It gives alternative medicine a 
bad name. 

PLAYBOY: You said that people don't get 
hurt, but haven't people died from some 
alternative medications? There have 
been deaths from a remedy called herb- 
al ecstasy. 

weil: I certainly don't advocate that. It 
isn't an herbal remedy. It is a stimulant 
that’s sold as a legal alternative to illegal 
psychoactive drugs. The active ingredi- 
ent, ephedra, is not a dangerous drug. If 
it's used moderately and occasionally, it's 
nota problem. But it's dangerous when 
people take it in such large doses and 


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PLAYBOY 


combine it with caffeine or with other 
stimulants. 

pravaoy: What does garlic do? In the ar- 
ticle about you in Tine, a scientist from 
UCLA criticized your claims and said, 
“There's no evidence that garlic does 
anything but make your breath smell.” 
меп: That is plain old ignorance. 
There's now an academic textbook out. 
on the medicinal effects of garlic, in ad- 
dition to many scientific articles about its 
therapeutic effects. The data are there, 
but most American medical doctors just 
don't know it. Of course, there are me- 
dicinal herbs that people use without 
supporting evidence. And it's true that, 
in general, there aren't enough double- 
blind clinical trials to satisfy Western 
medical needs. Oftentimes there is insuf- 
ficient information on natural remedies 
because there's no incentive to study 
them. With no patentability to protect 
profits, there's little reason for a compa- 
ny to invest in rescarch. Over the past 
few years, the National Institutes of 
Health has funded 42 research projects 
on alternative treatments ranging from 
acupuncture for attention-deficit hyper- 
activity disorder to guided imagery for 
asthma to Chinese herbs for hot flash- 
єз. Much of the data will be available to 
the public soon. The NIH also has given 


$10 million to ten specialty centers, in- 
cluding Bastyr University in Seattle and 
Beth Israel Hospital at Harvard Medical 
School, for such research. 

PLAYBOY: Do people who take vitamin С 
get fewer colds? 

welt: I tell people who get five, six colds 
a year to take 3000 to 5000 milligrams of 
vitamin C a day. Most find. that that dra- 
matically reduces their frequency of 
colds. 1 am less convinced that vitamin С 
treats colds, but I think it definitely can 
be a preventive. 

PLAYBOY: Dr. Linus Pauling was emphatic 
about vitamin C. Was he right? 

WEIL: I'm very interested in his work, 
though I think he became a monomani- 
ac about vitamin C toward the end of his 
life. 1 usually take 1000 or 1500 mil- 
ligrams three times a day. He was taking 
18,000 mg a day. But I’m a strong pro- 
ponent of antioxidant therapy. Antioxi- 
dants are a group of vitamins and min- 
crals that block oxidation reactions, and 
I think they give tremendous protection 
against cancer and heart discasc, and 
they slow down aging. The ones I use 
are vitamin С, vitamin E, sclenium and 
a mixed carotene supplement. I think 
everybody should. There are studies 
backing it up. You can't pick up a med- 
ical publication these days without see- 


“You make a splash for a month, 
six weeks tops at present. Our agency can turn you into 
a household institution 12 months a year. 
How does that strike you?” 


ing an article about new research on 
antioxidants. 

PLAYBOY: At what point did you give up 
vegetarianism? 

weit: I began eating fish about ten years 
ago, but that’s all. I don't eat red meat or 
chicken or eggs. I eat a little bit of 
cheese. 1 like parmesan on pasta and a 
little mozzarella here and there. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever been to a 
McDonald's? 

WEIL: I have never eaten a McDonald's 
hamburger. I think I am one of the few 
Americans who can say that. However, 1 
have, when on the road, gone into a Mc- 
Donald's to get a Coca-Cola. Once in a 
while I'll drink a Coke, and that's the on- 
ly thing I've ever had in a McDonald's. 
PLAYBOY: The fact that you drink Coke is 
surprising. 

weit; Once in a while. 1 like drinking a 
Coke in front of people for shock value. 
rlAYBOY: What do you have against 
coffee? 

weit: Coffee can contribute to migraine 
headaches, anxiety, heart palpitations, 
insomnia, coronary heart disease and 
stomach disorders. If you need caffeine, 
stick to green tea. 

PLAYBOY: Why green tea? 

WEIL: It protects against cancer, lowers 
cholesterol and doesn't have the toxins 
coffee has. 

PLAYBOY: How about decaf coffee? 

WEIL: It’s not safe. First of all, decaf re- 
tains enough caffeine to affect sensitive 
people. It also contains other substances 
naturally found in the coffee bean that 
can have irritating effects on the body. 
Decaffeinated coffee can be just as tough 
on the stomach as regular coffee. 
PLAYBOY: What is your opinion of some of 
the popular diets? How about the Zone? 
WEIL: It's a curious one. I don't think it is 
unhealthy, and it works for some people. 
The discussion about fats in the book is 
good, and Barry Sears is right to call 
people's attention to the fact that there 
are classes of carbohydrates that turn 
easily into blood sugar and might stress 
the pancreas: sugar, white flour, white 
breads. There are two things I don't like 
about the diet, though. Encouraging 
people to regard food as a drug is not 
healthy. Seeing food as a drug is what 
contributes to unhealthy ways of dealing 
with it. The other thing is that he notes, 
in fine print, that this diet applies to 25 
percent of people and doesn't apply to 
another 25 percent of people, while the 
rest of us are somewhere in the middle. 
But the implication of the book is that it 
is the way everybody should be eating. 
It’s not. It only works for some people. 
vLaYBOY: How about popular diet pills? 
weit: I don't like them. There's nothing 
new in them; they're a variation on the 
old theme of using stimulants to sup- 
press appetite. It works temporarily, but 
you're certain to gain back the weight 
when you stop taking the drugs. And the 
side effects can be significant. The only 


use 1 see for them is to get someone 
started on a weight-loss program, if the 
person is committed to follow that with a 
healthy regimen to maintain the weight 
loss without drugs. 

PLAYBOY: Which diets do you recommend? 
weit: Everyone is different. For some, 
the Dean Ornish diet is going to work: 
very low fat, vegetarian. It's another of 
the latest fads out there and we'll see 
what happens. Pritikin's diet is good for 
some people. It's also very restrictive— 
good for people with heart disease, to re- 
verse the blockage—so it's hard to fol- 
low. My problem with most diets is that 
people don't stick to them. I try to help 
people learn how to eat better in an on- 
going way, a way that can become part of 
their lives. 

PLAYBOY: You've also expressed concern 
about the effects of water and air on 
health. What can people do about that? 

WEIL: You can do something about wa- 
ter: Use bottled water when you are on 
the road and get a water purifying 
system for your home. Air is tougher. 
Certain house plants are effective at re- 
moving pollution. You can also take an- 
tioxidants, which give you protection 
against problems that come from the 
environment. 

PLAYBOY: In general, is the American diet 
and lifestyle a disaster? 

WEIL: Yes, and we are pushing it all over 
the world now. But people are figuring 
out how to have less-stressful lives, and 
the American diet is getting better. Peo- 
ple are much more sophisticated about. 
food than when I was growing up. There 
is a big sushi restaurant in Tucson, 
where I live, and it seems to be most fre. 

quented by rednecks and cowboys. The 
sight of cowboys eating sushi is amazing. 
Who would have thought? At the same 
time, there is much, much greater con- 
sumption of fast foods and processed 
foods, and Americans eat enormous por- 
tions of food. So we are eating more of 
worse foods. There are McDonald's 
restaurants in hospitals now. The Mc- 
Donald's corporation is inducing hos- 
pitals to put them in by giving them 
grants. That's a terrible trend. The love 
of beef is dangerous. Of all the animal 
foods, beef is probably the least healthy. 
Ata restaurant in Texas, if you cat a 72- 
ounce steak by yourself, you gct it for 
free. And people do it. It’s the essence of 
the worst of the American dict. The fat 
in meat is the worst fat for hearts and ar- 
teries. In addition, cows are big animals 
at the top of a food chain, so they are 
likely to concentrate all the environmen- 
tal toxins, plus they are given all these 
drugs, hormones and growth promot- 
ers. Steamed vegetables and fresh fruit, 
on the other hand, are not only nutri- 
tious but also can protect you against se- 
rious illness. Is that big steak worth it? 


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180 


Сиви BORING (continued from page 124) 


She won't have sex with other inmates. "It's weird in 
here," she confides. "I'm a lamb among wolves." 


lockers. I'm sent outside twice—for keep- 
ing my sweater and my cash. They con- 
fiscate my pen and paper at the room 
where I'm inspected. I pull out my pock- 
ets, roll down my socks, lift up my tongue. 

The visitors’ room is loud, filled with 
low square tables and chairs. Inmates 
wear tan jumpsuits and paper slippers 
that they kick off like kids at the shore. 
They hold hands with their boyfriends 
on the tabletops. Their hands must be 
above their knees, in full view. 


I hooked up with Johnnie Wo- 
luewich at the Elks Lodge in Elm- 
hurst, Queens on Friday, Septem- 
ber 5. USA Boxing Metropolitan of 
New York, of which Johnnie is a 
board member, was co-sponsoring 
an evening of bouts that pitted New 
York Golden Gloves winners against 
New Jersey Golden Gloves winners. 

The air in this fabled venue was 
acrid with cigar smoke, hot dogs 
and beer. We were waiting fora sub- 
stitute fight doctor to arrive (the 
scheduled one had been in an acci- 
dent) and had plenty of time to con- 
tinue our dialogue on women and 
men and the sport of boxing. 

Woluewich had fought 17 profes- 
sional fights as a superbantam- 
weight—more or less my weight 
class, so my competitive juices were 
stirred. I posed a question: “John- 
nie, I'm roughly your weight. What 
are the chances that I could knock 
you out?” 

He laughed and said, “Not 
much.” Woluewich says there’s no 
way a woman can hit as hard as a 
man of equal weight—at least not 
yet. Women are not that far along in 
the sport. He feels that, as in track 
and field, they're slowly creeping 
up to the men but will never quite 
be on a par. Their arm strength 
could conceivably be equal, but not 
their pectorals. “Women have 
breasts and those muscles don’t de- 
velop as much as men’s,” he says. 
"They're all fat." 

Still, [ was taught that punching 
power derives not from the chest or 
arms but from the base of the body. 
Woluewich concurred, adding, 
“That's why plyometrics are so im- 


How CY Card Do They Kite 


1 wait a long time before anything 
happens. I think, Maybe they didn't tell 
her, to humiliate me. Or they did, and 
she's refused to come. Twenty minutes 
later, 1 see a radiant woman bound to- 
ward me. We clasp tightly, me more out 
of gratitude and relief, she out of grace. 

She tells me her story. She wassharing 
a house in Queens with her uncle, a 
crack addict. It was a sting, the D.A. was 
involved. They found a tiny amount of 
crack in her upstairs bedroom, a room 


portant." Plyometrics are exercises 
that build leg and hip strength—to 
allow for short bursts of activity and 
power. Cuban boxers are plyomet- 
ric zealots, squatting and leaping 
for two hours each day before tack- 
ling roadwork or sparring. Maybe 
that’s why they're so good: Execut- 
ed properly, a punch that starts at 
the tocs and travels up the calves 
and hamstrings and into the pelvic 
area delivers a wallop. (Technically, 
my well-muscled gams and Hun- 
garian pcasant-stock flarıks should 
help me here.) 

“Trying to gain some advantage, 1 
pressed Woluewich: “Then what 
would it take for me to knock you 
our?” He says that if a man has no 
defenses, and if he's hit with a num- 
ber of combinations, he'll most like- 
ly topple. Johnnie has a theory: A 
guy with weak neck muscles is most 
vulnerable. He tells me there are 
two ways to get knocked out—tak- 
ing a direct hit to the skull or get- 
ting your neck snapped. The latter 
cuts off circulation to the head. 
"Your brain stops for a second. It 
makes you drowsy and you drop." 

“That's why fierce uppercuts and 
hooks are in the coveted arsenal of 
the world's most feared boxers. (Re- 
member Mike?) And it's not the 
blow to the jaw or chin that's so 
deadly: “It's the head spinning that 
knocks you out." 

For this reason, the all-important 
"iron chin" is a misnomer. "It 
should be an 'iron neck'," says 
Woluewich. 

More reasons to do those neck 
rolls, fellas. AH. 


she shared with four other people. She 
had once been part of that life, but had 
found God and reformed. She was inno- 
cent, she'd appeal. She didn't feel re- 
sentment about the setup, only sorrow 
that people couldn't accept she had 
turned around her life. 

Tyrene is a minor celebrity at Rikers— 
a champion. She keeps up a boxing reg- 
imen of sorts—running in place and hit- 
ting a metal door with a sock-wrapped 
hand for bagwork. She is proud of her 
taut belly and runs my hand up and 
down it. 

She feels above the fray. A devout 
Christian, she doesn't smoke, drink or 
swear. She won't have sex with other in- 
mates, though some women try to get 
her to. "It's weird in here,” she confides. 
"I'm a lamb among wolves." 

A guard announces visiting hour is 
over. Tyrene walks back toward the 
wings. She stops, pivots and runs to a 
table near the guard, where she had left 
something. I go to meet her and get 
hollered at. She hands me a brown pa- 
per bag and asks if ГЇЇ take it to her fi- 
ancé, a boxer at Gleason's Gym. 

There is a feeling of dejection and loss 
while we wait in a line for the bus 
to arrive. I squat, braced against the 
chain-link fence, as if I have done it a 
thousand times. 

I wait until I’m seated at the back of 
the bus to peek inside the bag: Cradled 
in clean cotton briefs is a soap sculpture. 
a figure wearing bag gloves, with the in- 
scription: NO. 1 BOXER. JESUS LOVES YOU. 

. 


There's a party at Gleason’s Gym for 
all the female winners of the Golden 
Gloves. Gleason's is New York's oldest 
and largest boxing gym, four rings in an 
industrial loft tucked under the Brook- 
lyn Bridge. It has 62 trainers, and boxers 
come from all over to work out before a 
fight. The party is called for six Р.М. on 
Friday night, and the girls troop up- 
stairs, tottering in high heels, as gawky 
and shy as fillies. Their Golden Gloves 
pendants hang around their necks and 
get tangled when they hug hello. 

Laid out on a check-in table is a long, 
white cake and Hawaiian Punch. I feel 
like I am at my Girl Scouts meeting in 
the Presbyterian church basement. The 
champs wolf down their food: They have 
been pigging out all week on pizza, so- 
da, beer, nachos, ice cream and cookies. 
Next week they'll go back to training. 

Tanya Dean arrives with her five-year- 
old son, Ricky. The boy beams about his 
moms victory and his part in it: "I love 
her. I love how she fights. She fights 
good. I told her what she had to do." 

The affable owner of Gleason's, Bruce 
Silverglade, is holed up in his office, on 
the phone to Denmark, trying to ar- 
range a bout for Jill Matthews, the first 
woman to win at the finals when the 
Gloves opened to women in 1995. Four 


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пуопе сап Бох,” 
says Terry Clay- 
bon of the in- 
comparable Hol- 
lywood Boxing 
Gym in Los An- 
geles. “You just 
have to take it at your own pace.” 

I called Terry, my own trainer, to 
find out how PLAYROY's readers might 
get in shape for a boxing workout. 
(This is a little like straightening up 
before the cleaning lady arrives.) 
What Claybon said surprised me. Ap- 
parently, there's no way to prepare, 
because the training is so different 
from that required in other sports. 
His best advice before you get in the 
ring: Keep an open mind. 

We assume you're not 50 pounds 

overweight and smoking three packs. 
a day. Let's say you're in decent shape 
and you're ready to begin training. 
(No more excuses.) Claybon says you 
must be able to run one to two miles 
(you can even walk at a fast cl 
"It doesn't have to be vicious"), do 
1casonable abdominal work (100 
sit-ups or crunches) and do ten to 20 
push-ups. 
In the gym, weight training is OK if 
you're trying to tone, but use lighter 
weights and do more repetitions. 
Bulk does not help in the ring. As 
Claybon says, “You need to be fast 
and loose.” 

Terry does pull-ups (for lats and bi- 
ceps), dips (for triceps), push-ups (for 
pecs) and natural squats (for legs). 
Beginners should start out with five 
to ten repetitions and work up to 
three sets of ten each. 

For machine addicts, Terry likes 
the Versa Climber, which approxi- 
mates climbing a ladder in quicksand 
with a gorilla on your back. Make the 
resistance higher for a power work- 
out; lower for speed. The Versa 
Climber also helps develop your car- 
diac recovery rate. Alternate 30 sec- 
onds of work with 15 seconds’ rest, 
building up to five minutes total. This 
mimics the intense three-minute 
round and one minute of rest found 
in boxing gyms everywhere. 

While some gym rats prefer to reg- 
ulate their cardiovascular workouts 
on a treadmill, Terry favors doing 
roadwork the old-fashioned way: on 
the road. He says, “It's more exciting 
to go freelance—you can move more, 
react, shadowbox." 


suck in your gut and read this 


Claybon strongly recommends 
working with a trainer to avoid devel- 
oping bad habits that are hard to 
break. His basic ten-round boxing 
workout goes something like this: 

Stretching: for at least five minutes. 

Jumping rope: one round (three 
minutes). Helps build stamina, leg 
muscles, coordination, timing. Novice 
women like ir berrer than novice 
men— perhaps it's schoolgirls’ nostal- 
gia. Some prefer to end their routine 
with the rope; we use it as a warm-up. 

Foctwork: one round. Sequences of 
defensive moves: pivots, slips, rows 
and feints together with a series of ba- 
sic combinations. 

Shadowboxing: one round, That cool 
thing boxers do before a fight. When 
we do it, we feel like idiots, but it's the 
single bes: thing to do for form. And, 
yes, do it in front ofa mirror. 

Focus mitts: three rounds. You need 
a trainer for this. He slips his hands 
into two big pads that he holds in 
front of you while you practice throw- 
ing punches at them. As you get bet- 
ter, he starts tapping you back, to 
build your defensive skills. One step 
away from actual sparring. 

Bagwork: two rounds. The meat 
and potatoes of the boxer's workout. 
Done on a heavy bag (or, if you're 
Rocky, a side of beef) attached by a 
chain to the ceiling. Used for practic- 
ing all combinations. Builds hand 
speed, stamina and power. 

Double-end bag: one round. Also 
known as the crazy bag. A bladder- 
shaped bulk attached by a cord to the 
ceiling, and at the other end, to the 
floor. Used mostly to practice clean, 
straight punches. A glancing blow 
causes it to wobble in a loopy arc that 
makes it impossible to hit (and thus 
makes you crazy). 

Speed bag: one round. Pure show- 
manship, some say. But we love that 
staccato blur. Helps rhythm, hand- 
eye coordination, speed and, on a 
simple level, forces you to keep your 
hands up 

Abdominals: 400—of various per- 
suasions. Old-fashioned gyms still use 
a medicine ball: Your trainer throws 
the equivalent of 15 pounds of bird- 
seed at your stomach to toughen you 
up. It seems dumb until you start to 
spar and nearly faint when your op- 
ponent “goes downstairs.” It’s the 
body blows that really slow you down, 
not the ones to the head. 


Neck rolls: three sets of ten. To 
strengthen that thing supporting 
your head. Right up there with 
roadwork among boxers’ least fa- 
vorite exercises. 

Push-ups: 20, minimum. Do them 
correctly: Slowly, head up, back and 
legs straight. (Do them on your knees 
at your own peril.) 


FIGHTING SHAPE 


If you can do all this, you're in 
sparring shape. You'll be in the gym 
three days a week. To move on to the 
next stage—fighting shape—plan to 
spend five days in the gym, and spar 
every other day for four rounds. I 
thought I was in shape until I started 
to spar; then I took to my bed for two 
days. The ante is ratcheted up by a 
few things: the weight of the gloves 
(anywhere from 12 to 16 ounces), 
your adrenaline level and, mostly, 
confronting а moving target that’s 
trying to hit you back. Suddenly, 
everything you've learned goes out 
the window. You can move, but you 
can’t throw a punch. Or you flail wild- 
ly and forget to bob and weave. You 
finally understand how interminable 
a minute is, and why there's so much 
clinching: You would do anything to 
steal a few seconds of rest. 

Sparring is what separates the men 
from the boys. Unless you're willing 
to give and take a punch, don't go 
there. And while headgear is stan- 
dard, you can still get a black eye ог 
fat lip. So lay off the day before you're 
getting married or arguing your first. 
case before the Supreme Court. 

For extra-credit students only: 
Fighting trim is as different from 
sparring as sparring is from training. 
This is why men have retired to 
monastery-like camps in the weeks 
before a fight, refusing mail, calls, 
wives and girlfriends. The theory that 
engaging in sexual activity before a 
bout drains one of vital fluids (or, in 
the vernacular, juice) is now generally 
pooh-poohed. It's still the chase that's 
enervating. So no drinking. no late- 
night carousing. Everything Aunt Ma- 
bel said is true: Early to bed, early to 
rise. Eat well: Everything should be 
steamed or baked; no fried foods, no. 
Sweets. Drink plenty of fluids. Sleep a 
full eight hours a night, and wheney- 
er you're fatigued, rest. In short, bea 
good soldier. As Terry says, "Your 
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months later she went pro, but with so 
few women in her division, she's had on- 
ly three fights. And at 33, she realizes 
her career is running out of time. She 
needs this fight. 

Jillisa scrappy, 53”, 106-pound ball of 
fire with a tumble of strawberry-blonde 
ringlets. She’s a hairdresser and Hunter 
College student originally from Chelsea. 
She fronts a punk rock band with her 
ex-boyfriend on bass and her husband 
(an attorney and rabbi's son) on drums. 

Boxing, she says, is the “punk rock of 
sports. It's aggressive.” Jill has no pa- 
tience for less-experienced women who 
hold out for more money before they 
fight. She gets crazy when people ask, 
“Whats a nice Jewish girl doing in the 
ring?” While she hopes the day will come 
when women will be fully accepted, she 
says that on that day she'll quit: “It won't 
be cool anymore.” 

Predictions for the future of women's 
boxing run the gamut. Mickey Rosario of 
Thomas Jefferson feels it will always be a 
sideshow. My trainer, Terry Claybon, 
thinks there will be superstars in three or 
four different weight classes, but it won't 
be widespread. USA Boxing's Johnnie 
Woluewich, and Bruce Silverglade, pro- 
moter and gym owner, are optimistic: 
They're encouraged by the recent explo- 
sion and feel it will continue. 

If my experience is any measure, the 
future looks good. Women like boxing 
for the physical training. Most of us have 
been martial artists or have played a 
rough team sport such as soccer or bas- 
ketball. We find boxing’s mental chal- 
lenges appealing: the dedication and 
commitment it commands, the need to 
outsmart our opponents, the confronta- 
tions with our weaknesses. Joe Louis, 
speaking of his 1946 fight with Billy 
Conn, said, “He can run, but he can’t 
hide.” The same might be said for char- 
acter: Whatever blocks you have, what- 
ever demons, you'll face them in the ring 
and they'll be the greater enemies. 

We like ourselves better in the ring. 
We are focused but relaxed. We use 
strategy but rely on instinct. We are in 
tune with our own rhythms. We feel both 
invincible and humble. 

We get to ask the larger questions: 
When weary, can I go the distance? Can 
I take it on the chin? What happens 
when my game plan is challenged? If 
I'm beaten to the punch, do 1 fold or do 
I parry? If I'm down for the count, do I 
get up? Boxing may play on our worst 
fears of annihilation. But some of us like 
to be scared. And, in truth, I am less 
frightened stepping into the ring than I 
am walking to a meeting on a studio lot. 
It's cleaner, more honest, more real. 

We are reborn in the ring. Every 
knockout is a little death, but there's life 
after. And by getting off that mat, you 
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PLAYBOY 


184 


[ШЕШ c ron page 144) 


Maybe Pitino was frustrated because his players couldn't 
resist the NBA. Pitino is now a Lexington legend. 


Louis Bullock, one of the best outside 
players in college, as well as 6'8”, 300- 
plus-pound Playboy All-Amcrica Rob- 
ext Traylor inside. Six-nine string bean 
Maceo Baston rebounds well but needs 
to improve his medium-range jumper, 
while senior Jerod Ward is still strug- 
gling to prove he deserved the national 
player of the year title in high school 
four years ago. The Wolverines suffered 
from inconsistency and a lack of depth 
last year. They could have the same 
problems this season. 


(10) KENTUCKY 


Having rebuilt the Wildcats into a na- 
tional power and with an NCAA champi- 
onship in his pocket, Rick Pitino once 
again succumbed to the glamour and 
money of the NBA. Or maybe he was 
frustrated because some of his highly re- 
cruited players couldn't resist the lure 
of the NBA, leaving before their college 
eligibility expired. Pitino is now a Lex- 
ington legend. Enter Tubby Smith, for- 
mer Pitino assistant, most recently head 
coach at Georgia and now the first black 
coach at Kentucky. Smith isn't intimidat- 
ed by Pitino's legacy, making him the 
perfect choice to keep the Wildcats on 


school. 


Steve Goodrich (Princeton). 


ТПГ DEG ATHLETE 


"Ihe Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award recognizes achievement both in 
the classroom and on the basketball court. Nominated by their colleges, the. 
candidates are judged on their scholastic and athletic accomplishments by the 
editors of PLAYBOY. The award winner attends PLAYBOY's preseason All-Ameri- 
са Weekend (held this year in Chicago), receives a commemorative medallion 
and is included in the team photograph published in the magazine. In addi- 
tion, PLAYBOY awards $5000 to the general scholarship fund of the winner's 


"This year's Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award in basketball goes to Drew 
Hansen from the University of Utah. A 65" senior, Hansen, one of the team's 
top defensive specialists, has played every position on the floor (except center) 
for coach Rick Majerus. He was named to the СТЕ Academic All-District Team 
and is a three-time member of the All-WAC Academic Team. His major is po- 
litical science and his overall GPA is 3.99 on a scale of 4.0. 

Honorable mentions: Scott Cross (Texas-Arlington), Ryan Robertson 
(Kansas), T.J. Lux (Northern Illinois), Dan Muller (Illinois State), Marius Jan- 
ulis (Syracuse), Kenny Van Kirk (Boise State), Colin Ducharme (Virginia), Jess 
Settles (Iowa), Alexander Koul (George Washington), Stefan Ciosici 
(Lafayette), Mike Freeman (Air Force), Rahsaan Mitchell (Chicago State), 
Greg Gaffney (Drexel), Gregg Sawyer (Wyoming), Matt Harpring (Georgia 
Tech), Pete Lisicky (Penn State), Andrew McFalls (Winthrop), Ross Land 
(Northern Arizona), Brandy Perryman (Texas), Whit Hughes (Mississippi 
State), Micah Marsh (Arkansas State), Damian Owens (West Virginia), Antho- 
ny Boone (Mississippi), Michacl Ruffin (Tulsa), Andy Markowski (Nebraska), 


top of the heap. While lots of good play- 
ers have left Lexington in the past two 
years, there arc still a few left. Guard 
Wayne Turner should fill some of the 
void left by Ron Mercer's early exit. Jeff 
Sheppard's return after a year on red- 
shirt will also help. Forward Scott Pad- 
gett is back, as are big men Jamaal Ma- 
gloire and Nazr Mohammed. 


(П) XAVIER 


"The already quick Musketeers will Бе 
quicker with freshmen guards Alvin 
Brown and Maurice McAfee, both of 
whom could see considerable playing 
time despite the return of junior guard 
tandem Lenny Brown and Gary Lump- 
kin. Skip Prosser, entering his fourth 
year as coach, has addressed one of his 
team's few weaknesses from last season 
with the addition of 69" postman Reggie 
Butler. The return of a healthy Nate 
Turner (68^) won't hurt either. With the 
team coming off a 23-6 season and a 
13th place finish in the AP final poll, 
Prosser has dreams of San Antonio. 


(12) CLEMSON 


Already one of the hottest coaches in 
the nation, Rick Barnes will only get hot- 


ter this year as Clemson tries to improve 
on its 93-10 performance of last season. 
The Tigers are bigger, stronger and 
deeper than last year. Seven-one fresh- 
man Adam Allenspach will give Barnes 
another big body inside, while freshman 
Jason Pryorand Temple transfer Johnny 
Miller will share time at the guard spot 
opposite Terrell McIntyre (13.4 ppg). 
There's also all-conference forward 
Greg Buckner (15.4 ppg). The Tigers, 
who averaged less than 13 turnovers a 
game, don't beat themselves. 


(13)ST JOHN'S 


With a year of experience under his 
belt and two talented seniors trying to 
catch the eye of the NBA, coach Fran 
Fraschilla could get St. John’s back on 
the track that made it the nation’s fourth 
winningest program. There was some 
question about Zendon Hamilton's SAT 
scores, but the Playboy All-America is 
clearly one of the best big men in college 
basketball this year. And while 66” Felipe 
Lopez may not have lived up to the hype 
in the New York press during high 
school, he’s had a respectable collegiate 
career, capped by a 15.9-points-per- 
game average last season. Two recruits, 
Ron Artest and Shannon Crooks, should 
make important contributions as the 
Red Storm tries to blow away its compe- 
tition in the Big East. 


(13) HAWAI 


For Western Athletic Conference op- 
ponents, a visit to the islands wasn't ex- 
actly a pleasurable experience last sea- 
son. The Rainbows, under ten-year 
coach Riley Wallace, played tenacious 
defense en route to a 21-8 season that 
took them to the second round of the 
NIT. Four starters from that team re- 
turn, including the lethal guard combo 
of Anthony Carter (18.7 ppg) and Alika 
Smith (17.9 ppg). Wallace will also bring 
in seven-foot Bryan Moeller to replace 
graduated Seth Sundberg in the middle. 


(15) MARYLAND 


Despite the fact that Keith Booth has 
taken his 19.5-points-per-game average 
to the NBA, Maryland coach Gary Wil- 
liams has his deepest team since taking 
over in College Park eight years ago. 
"The junior trio of Terrell Stokes, Laron 
Profit and Obinna Ekezie give the Terps 
a good floor leader, an explosive scorer 
and power on the inside. Freshmen Ter- 
ence Morris and Mike Mardesich (the 
latter 15 Maryland's first seven-footer) 
will give Williams a minimum eight-man 
rotation. The Terps are Top 25 material 
and yet may finish no better than fourth 
in the ACC. 


(16) MISSISSIPPI 


Looking for a dark horse team and 
player to root for? Try Ole Miss and 69" 
senior forward Ansu Sesay, who is almost 
certain to build on his 14.8 ppg and 7.9 


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PLAYBOY 


rpg averages of last season. And Missis- 
‚ which won the SEC West regular 
division title last year, hopes to repeat 
the feat. Sixth-year coach Rob Evans has 
four more returning starters to go with 
Sesay, and he thinks freshman point 
guard Jason Flanigan will see lots of 
playing time. 


(17) SYRACUSE 


The Orangemen should be able to 
bounce back from an uncharacteristic 


ШЇ 


LUTE OLSON, our College Basketball 
Coach of the Year, completed his 14th 
season at Arizona by leading the 
Wildcats to their first NCAA national 
championship. Olson's reign in Tuc- 
son has included 13 consecutive 
NCAA tournaments, plus two previ- 
ous Final Four appearances and sev- 
en Pac Ten titles. With a career coach- 
ing record of 533 wins against 202 
losses. Olson is the first coach in the 
20-year history of the Playboy All- 
Americas to be honored as Coach of 
the Year a second time, the first oc- 
curring in 1990. 

MILES SIMON—Guard, 65”, senior, 
Arizona. Averaged 22 points a game 
during the NCAA tournament, 
topped by a career-high 30-point 
performance against Kentucky in the 
national championship game. Al- 
ready has 1063 career points. 

MIKE BiBBy—Guard, 6'1“, sopho- 
more, Arizona. Averaged 18 points, 
4.8 rebounds and 3.3 assists per game 
during the NCAA tournament. 
Named Pac Ten Freshman of the Year. 

PAUL PIERCE—Guard, 67”, junior, 
Kansas. The most valuable player in 
the Big 12 conference tournament, 
he led KU in scoring in all of the Jay- 
hawks' six postseason games. 

BJ MCKI Guard, 6/2", junior, 
South Carolina. A first-team All-SEC 
selection, he averaged 17.4 points 
and 2.7 assists per game. Only the 
fourth player in Gamecocks history 


season (19-13) that saw them fail to win. 
20 games for the first time since 
1981-1982. With a year's experience un- 
der his belt, Jason Hart will be more 
adept at point guard. Forwards Todd 
Burgan (15.1 ppg) and Marius Janulis 
are both returning starters. Syracuse has 
plenty of size at center with 69" Etan 
Thomas and 611^ Elvir Ovcina. Expect 
Jim Boeheim to nudge his team toward 
the 24 wins they have averaged during 


186 his 21-year coaching tenure. 


(18) IOWA 


Two years ago Jess Settles thought he 
might be headed early to the NBA. 
When his tryout at the NBA camp didn't 
go well, he decided to return to Iowa 
City for his senior year. An injury cut 
short that season, but a medical redshirt 
allows him to return this year. His suc- 
cess may determine whether the Hawk- 
eyes have a good or a great season. The 
other key for coach Tom Davis is finding 


TNI 


with 1000 points after two seasons. 

ANTAWN JAMISON— Forward, 6'9”, ju- 
nior, North Carolina. A two-time All- 
ACC selection, he averaged 19.1 
points and 9.4 rebounds per game 
last season. Has 1152 career points in 
two seasons. 

ROBERT TRAYLOR— Forward, 68^, ju- 
nior, Michigan. Averaged 18.2 points 
and 8.4 rebounds in five postseason 
NIT games. Led his team in re- 
bounds and blocks for the season. 

KENNY THOMAS—Forward, 6'8”, ju- 
nior, New Mexico. Has averaged 14.3 
points and 7.3 rebounds in his two- 
year career with rhe Lobos Will 
break 1000-point and 500-rebound 
career marks this season. 

RAFF LAFRENTZ—Forward, 6/11”, se- 
nior, Kansas. Big 12 Conference Play- 
er of the Year last season, he led his 
team in scoring (18.5 points per 
game) and rebounding (9.3 per 
game). A two-time Playboy All-Ameri- 
ca, he has started all 101 games in his 
three-year KU career. 

TODD MACCULLOCH— Center, 7”, ju- 
nior, Washington. The best big man 
in the Pac Ten by the end of last sea- 
son, he led the nation in field goal 
shooting. 

ZENDON HAMILTON—Center, 6'11”, 
senior, St. John's. Led his team in 
scoring (16.2 points per game) and 
rebounding (9.4 per game). Already 
ranks 13th on school's all-time scor- 
ing list with 1318 points. 


a suitable replacement for graduated 
point guard Andre Woolridge. Davis has 
added freshmen Ricky Davis and Dean 
Oliver, both of whom are bound to get 
time in Davis’ use-the-bench rotation 
system. 


(19) ARKANSAS 


The effects of a 16-month NCAA in- 
vestigation that cost Arkansas its top 
scorer (Sunday Adebayo) and rebounder 
(Jesse Pate) midseason two years ago are 


still being felt by coach Nolan Richard- 
son and his Razorbacks team. “The 
cloud is gone, since three of the seven al- 
legations were dropped—and we were 
not even put on probation,” says 
Richardson. “However, the effect lingers 
in terms of our ability to recruit blue- 
chip players.” Even with just 11 scholar- 
ship players last year, Richardson was 
able to guide the Razorbacks to an 8-8 
SEC mark, 18-14 overall. With guards 
Kareem Reid, who last season led the 
SEC in assists, and three-point threat Pat 
Bradley, Arkansas will continue to have a 
perimeter-oriented attack. The success 
of seven-foot freshman Jason Jennings 
in the middle will determine whether 
the Razorbacks are just another good 
SEC team or are ready to return to na- 
tional prominence. 


(20) GEORGIA 


Bulldogs athletic director Vince Doo- 
ley opted for continuity by promoting 
assistant Ron Jirsa to coach when Tubby 
Smith packed his bags for Kentucky. 
sa, who turns 38 this month and has nev- 
er had a head coaching job, had the sup- 
port of the players, most of whom return 
from last season. Georgia had no star 
player under Smith, instead relying on 
overall balance and a ferocious team de- 
fense. Jirsa will employ the same philos- 
ophy. Freshman leaper Jumaine Jones 
could break into the opening-game 
starting lineup 


(21) TEMPLE 


Coach John Chaney had the planets 
aligned for a run at the national title un- 
til junior center Marc Jackson took an 
early exit to the NBA. Chaney, however, 
has plenty of firepower left: Starting 
guards Rasheed Brokenborough and 
Juan “Pepe” Sanchez return, and Quin- 
cy Wadley and Malik Moore are now eli- 
gible after sitting out last season under 
NCAA academic restrictions. Freshman 
Lynn Greer is a point guard deluxe, hav- 
ing finished as the number two all-time 
scorer in Philadelphia high school histo- 
ry (Wilt Chamberlain is number one). 


(22) STANFORD. 


With all starters except Brevin Knight 
returning, we should soon see how im- 
portant the 5'10” All-America point 
guard was to the 22-8 success of Stan- 
ford. Coach Mike Montgomery will shift 
Arthur Lee from his off-guard starting 
spot and hopes Kamba Tshionyi and 
highly recruited freshman Michael Mc- 
Donald can provide backup. The focus 
of the Cardinals attack will shift inside, 
where 7'1" junior center Tim Young has 
a chance to be one of college basketball's 
dominant big men. 


(23) UNC-CHARLOTTE 


With two of Conference USA's best 
players returning (guard Sean Colson 
and forward DeMarco Johnson), plus a 


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188 


strong bench, second-year coach Melvin 
Watkins isn't concerned that the 49ers 
are thrust into the role of conference fa- 
vorite: “No one plays the game to not 
finish first. I'm not worried about it.” 
Watkins’ carefree attitude is no doubt 
bolstered by the addition of Division 1 
transfer Kelvin Price and juco transfer 
Galen Young, both explosive players, 
plus recruits Marlon Thomas, Diego 
Guevara and Charles Hayward, all likely 
to contribute in their first season. 


(24) ST. JOSEPH'S 


The Hawks will rely on the dynamite 
backcourt combination of Rashid Bey 
and Arthur "Yah" Davis to defend the 
Atlantic Ten conference tourney cham- 
pionship they won last season. Coach 
Phil Martelli, who has already posted 45 
wins in two seasons, expects Frank 
Wilkins, a 6/9” redshirt freshman who 
plays a solid perimeter game, and Dami- 
еп Reid, a top Canadian high schooler 
last year, to contribute as well. 


(25) MARQUETTE 


Even coach Mike Deane was surprised 
when Marquette sailed through the 
Conference USA tournament last ycar, 
winning four games in four days and 
trouncing strong Cincinnati and UNC- 
Charlotte teams en route to the confer- 
ence tourney championship. Deane at- 


tributes much of that success to what he 
calls his *midget" backcourt, the tandem 
of Aaron Hutchins and Marcus West, 
both 5710” wonder kids who return for 
their senior seasons. Point producers 
Anthony Pieper and Chris Crawford 
have graduated. With a lack of notice- 
able talent in the paint, Marquette will 
have to sprint its way to another NCAA 
bid and a fourth consecutive 20-win sea- 
son since Deane took over the program. 


(26) VALPARAISO 


What's the only school in the nation to 
win both its conference regular season 
and tournament titles in each of the past. 
three seasons? That's right— Valparaiso. 
The Crusaders’ Mr. Everything, guard 
Bryce Drew, is back for his senior season, 
giving his team a solid shot at four in a 
row. The best thing about Drew, who av- 
eraged 19.9 points per game and will 
undoubtedly become the school's all- 
time scoring leader before season's end, 
is that he makes his teammates better. 
Two seven-footers in the middle, An- 
tanas Vilcinskas and Zoran Viskovic, will 
muscle plenty of rebounds and twist the 
tongues of plenty of announcers. 


(27) CONNECTICUT. 


Any time UConn coach Jim Calhoun 
gets all five starters back from the previ- 
ous year you can be certain the Huskies 


"So, after I bit her on the ass she whirled around the ceiling 
and flew out the window." 


will be at or near the top of the Big East 
conference standings by the end of the 
season. The flashy guard-forward com- 
bination of Richard Hamilton and 
Rashamel Jones is the best of the group, 
none of whom are yet seniors. Big 
Souleymane Wane (6'1 1”) becomes eligi- 
ble on December 20. 


(28) LOUISVILLE 


Rumors continue to circulate that this 
will be Denny Crum's last season as 
coach at Louisville. What has he left to 
prove after winning 20 or more victories 
in 21 of his 26 seasons, advancing to the 
inal Four six times and winning two na- 
tional championships (1980 and 1986)? 
Crum will likely add another 20-win to- 
tal this year, even though lightning- 
quick DeJuan Wheat has graduated. 
USC transfer Cameron Murray is 
Crum's choice to replace point guard 
Wheat. There won't be any superstars 
among the Cardinals this year, but there 
are enough solid all-round players to en- 
able Louisville to land its predictable 
NCAA berth. 


(29) UTAH 


Coach Rick Majerus is certain that life 
without All-America Keith Van Horn will 
be a little more stressful. After all, Van 
Horn led the Utes in points and re- 
bounds the past four seasons. But bas- 
ketball players are like good meals for 
the optimistic coach: As soon as you're 
done with one, you start looking forward 
to the next. Michael Doleac will be 
Utah's prize this year. Majerus thinks the 
611" senior center (14.4 ppg and 7.7 
rpg) still has tons of untapped potential. 
Freshman Britton Johnsen and sopho- 
more Alex Jensen, just returned from a 
two-year church mission, should also fig- 
ure in Majerus’ recipe for success. 


oi 


ILLINOIS STATE. 


Coach Kevin Stallings expects the Red- 
birds to fly to another NCAA bid on the 
wings of a 14-man roster that returns in- 
tact from a 24-win record last season. 
Best of the Birds is 66” junior forward 
Rico Hill, who averaged 18.8 points and 
8.2 rebounds last season. While ISU 
lacks height at center, it has beef in 67^ 
LeRoy Watkins, who weighs in at 265. 


(51) CINCINNATI 


With Danny Fortson skipping his se- 
nior season to go to the NBA and four- 
year starting guard Damon Flint gradu- 
ated, Bob Huggins will have to rely on 
every bit of his coaching skill and drill- 
sergeant discipline to keep the Bear- 
cats among the nation's basketball elite. 
"The offense will revolve around 66" for- 
ward Ruben Patterson and juco transfer 
Michael Horton, who will likely play 
point guard. Center Kenyon Martin can 
be a force on defense in the paint. On 
paper. the Bearcats don't appear to have 


enough talent to keep them in the Top 
50. Huggins, however, will find a way to 
get them there. 


(32) ILLINOIS 


The feeling in Champaign is that Lon 
Kruger has turned the corner after only 
one season as coach at Illinois. The Illini, 
who won more than 20 games (22-10) 
for the first time since 1991, went strictly 
up-tempo offensively, relying on quick- 
ness and a perimeter game to compen- 
sate for their lack of height. With only 


REST OF THE BEST 


GUARDS: Trajan Langdon 
(Duke), Vince Carter, Shammond 
Williams (North Carolina), Rashid 
Bey (St. Joseph's), Tyson Wheeler 
(Rhode Island), Rasheed Broken- 
borough (Temple), Lenny Brown 
(Xavier), Donnie Carr (La Salle), 
Shaheen Holloway (Seton Hall), 
Louis Bullock (Michigan), A.J. 
Guyton (Indiana), Tyronn Lue 
(Nebraska), Corey Brewer (Okla- 
homo), Cory Carr (Texas Tech), 
Earl Boykins (Eastern Michigan), 
Bryce Drew (Valparaiso), Charles 
Jones (Long Island), Toby Bailey 
(UCLA), Chris Herren (Fresno 
State], Kris Clack (Texas), De'Teri 
Mayes (Murray State). 

FORWARDS: Laron Profit [Mary- 
land), Matt Harpring (Georgia 
Tech), Pat Garrity (Notre Dame), 
Todd Burgan (Syracuse), Sam Ja- 
cobson (Minnesota), Sam Okey 
(Wisconsin), DeMarco Johnson 
(North Carolina-Charlotte), Bonzi 
Wells (Ball State), Michael Dicker- 
son (Arizona), J.R. Henderson 
(UCLA), Ansu Sesay (Mississippi), 
Horatio Webster (Mississippi 
State), Clayton Shields (New Mex- 
ico), Yegor Mescheriakov (George 
Washington]. 

CENTERS: Lori Keiner (Mas- 
sachusetts), Alexander Koul 
(George Washington), Brad Miller 
(Purdue), Evon Eschmeyer (North- 
western), Brian Skinner (Baylor), 
Danny Moore (Southwest Mis- 
souri State), A.J. Bramlett (Ari- 
топа), Jeloni McCoy (UCLA), Tim 
Young (Stanford), Brad Millord (St. 
Mary's), Michael Doleac (Utah), 
Keon Clark (UNLV). 


three players over 616” the formula will 
remain the same. Kruger vill have Jelani 
Boline and Matt Heldman, seniors, 
share time as point guard in the spot 
that has been vacated by graduated Ki- 
wane Garris. The return of a healthy 
Jerry Hester, who missed all but five 


games last season because of back 
surgery, vill help. 


(33) FLORIDA STATE. 


Sensing that he might be on shaky 
ground at Florida State despite a sec- 
ond-place finish to Michigan in the post- 
season NIT, Pat Kennedy moved north 
to take over a foundering DePaul pro- 
gram. The Seminoles quickly tabbed 
Steve Robinson, formerly with Tulsa, as 
their new coach. Robinson's sense of tim- 
ing looks good: FSU returns four start- 
ers and a decent bench, and it adds ju- 
nior college transfer All-America Terrell 
Baker and Kentucky transfer Oliver Sim- 
mons. A fifth-place finish in the ACC will 
still get thern an invitation to the Big Dance. 


(34) TEXAS 


The Longhorns have reached the 
NCAA tournament in eight of nine sea- 
sons since Tom Penders took over as 
coach. Despite the loss of guard Reggie 
Freeman and strongman Dennis Jordan, 
Texas and Penders should gain their 
ninth tourney berth this season. Penders 
will blend the skills of three returning 
starters with the potential of a recruiting 
class he regards as his best since he ar- 
rived in Austin, Five of six of his new 
players are 68” or taller, and onc, 7 
Chris Mihm, is regarded as onc of thc 
top center prospects in the nation. 


(35) INDIANA 


This season should answer the ques- 
tion on the minds of so many Indiana 
basketball fans: Can Bob Knight still 
coach winning basketball? Last season, 
the coach saw his team come apart after 
a strong start. Knight appeared to have 
given up by the time Indiana played and 
lost to Colorado (80-62) in the first 
round of the NCAA tournament. After- 
ward (depending on who you believe), 
starting guard Neil Recd was forced out, 
quit or wasn't invited back for his senior 
year. If everyone else shows up for the 
season, Indiana should have a very good 
team. AJ. Guyton was Big Ten freshman 
ofthe year. Andrae Patterson has proved 
he can have big games (39 points against 
Duke), though not consistently. Luke 
Recker, Indiana's high school Mr. Bas- 
ketball, should contribute as a freshman. 
Knight is bringing in two junior college 
players, William Gladness and Rob Tur- 
ner, who should figure in the rotation. 
An unsuccessful season could end with 
Knight throwing in the towel. 


(36) SOUTH CAROLINA 


The 15-1 Camecocks flew to an SEC 
title last year on the play of the best trio 
of guards in the nation. Larry Davis has 
graduated from that group but Playboy 
All-America В] McKie returns, as does 
Melvin Watson. Six-eleven senior Ryan 
Stack and senior forward William Gall- 
man will provide the muscle up front, 
and coach Eddie Fogler has brought in 


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(37) PRINCETON 


Former longtime coach Pete Carril al- 
ways believed Princeton's winning sys- 
tem was more important than any one 
player. It may be that it was more impor- 
tant than the coach as well. Carril assis- 
tant Bill Carmody took over the program 
last season. The Tigers never missed a 
beat, breezing to a 14-0 Ivy League title 
and finishing the year 24-4. What is the 
system? Shoot well (50 percent overall, 
38 percent from the three-point line), 
play superior defense (the Tigers led the 
nation in scoring defense) and don't 
waste energy showboating (the team had 
244 three-pointers but only five dunks 
last season). With that formula seeming- 
ly locked in, it shouldn't matter that Ivy 
player of the year Sydney Johnson has 
graduated. Carmody will simply plug 
another player into the system 


(98) BUTLER 


The Bulldogs waited 35 years for the 
NCAA tournament bid that finally came 
last season after a school-record 23 wins 
and a Midwestern Conference crown. 
Now Butler fans are chanting “Repeat!” 
Conference player of the year Jon Neu- 
houser returns, as does 72” shot blocker 
Rolf van Rijn. If coach Barry Collier can 
find a replacement for graduated guard 
Kelsey Wilson, Bulldogs fans should get 
their wish 


(39) WISCONSIN. 


"There's no question that Dick Bennett 
is one of the best college coaches in the 
game. He proved that by repeatedly 
leading little Wisconsin-Green Bay to 
the NCAA tournament. Entering his 
third season at Madison, he has begun to 
attract the sort of talent that could lead 
the Badgers to even greater heights. 
Bennett's best player at the moment is 
junior forward Sam Okey, who has the 
potential to get even better. Freshmen 
Mark Vershaw and Charlie Wills will get 
playing time despite the retum of a 
group of veterans from last year’s 18. 
win team. 


(40) GEORGE WASHINGTON 
College basketball's Mutt and Jeff act 


is back for another season; 5/4” Shawnta 
Rogers is the NCAA's best lilliputian 
point guard since Mugsy Boggs, but 7'1” 
Russian Alexander Koul is still more 
potential than performance. Forward 
Yegor Mescheriakov, the Colonials’ lead- 
ing scorer (16.6 ppg) last season, is only 
a junior. And coach Mike Jarvis speaks 
glowingly about promising forward Pat 
Ngongba, who was forced to sit out his 
first year. 


(41) RHODE ISLAND 


Jim Harrick was too good a coach and 
person not to get another coaching op- 
р g g ор: 


portunity after UCLA dismissed him for 
alleged expense account irregularities. 
Harrick, whose 17-year coaching record 
is 358-160 and includes an NCAA cham- 
pionship with the Bruins in 1995, not 
only gets a second life at Rhode Island, 
he also gets an excellent basketball team. 
"The Rams, who won 20 games last sea- 
son, return guard Tyson Wheeler (16.4 
ppg) and three other starters, plus 69^ 
Purdue transfer Luther Clay, who steps 
into the center spot vacated by graduat- 
ed Michael Andersen. 


(42) NEBRASKA 


Coach Danny Nee thinks that his team 
will once again be solid defensively 
and strong on the boards despite the 
graduation of 6/11" center Mikki Moore, 
the one departed starter from last sea- 


Devongiore Deos 
Florida State 


Aitila Cost 
Rug 


‘Michael Jordan 
Pennsylvania 


‘Michael Jordon 
Detroit Mercy 


Ansu 
Mississippi 
Oral Roberts 
Mississippi State 
'omm'A Givens 
Pepperdine 


ШОО 
e 0 


Duory Duany 
Wisconsin 


Cookie Belcher 
Nebraska 


son's 18-15 squad. He expects 6/10” ju- 
nior Venson Hamilton to provide the 
muscle inside, while he describes point 
guard Tyronn Lue as one of the quicker 
players in the nation. The Cornhuskers 
need better play from the bench and im- 
proved accuracy from the three-point 
line if they are to offer any sort of serious 
challenge to conference favorites Kansas 
and Texas. 


(43) NEW MEXICO 


With four starters returning from last 
season's 25-8 team, including Playboy 
All-America Kenny Thomas and 68” se- 
nior Clayton Shields (15.5 ppg), coach 
Dave Bliss thinks the Lobos should get 
beyond the second round of the NCAA 
tourney, a hurdle they have been unable 
to get over the past two seasons. Lamont 
Long is expected to replace Charles 
Smith, the lone departing starter, at the 
wing spot. The talent is there for a run 
deep into the tournament. Bliss, howev- 
er, knows his team has been a touch soft 
physically and has lacked discipline, two 
weaknesses he has attempted to address 
in the preseason. 


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AMERICA EAST 


*1. BOSTON U. 6. VERMONT 

2. HARTFORD 7. TOWSON STATE 

3, DREXEL 8. MAINE 

4, HOFSTRA 9. NORTHEASTERN 
5. DELAWARE 10. NEWHAMPSHIRE 


STANDOUTS: Joey Beard, LeVar Folk (Boston UJ; Ryan 
Howse, Anthory Bethune (Hartford); Joe Linderman, Mike 
DeRocckis (Drexel); Craig Claxton, Roberto Gittens (Hofstra); 
Keith Davis, Darryl Presley (Delaware); Erik Nelson, Craig 
Peper (Vermont) Ralph Biggs, Marlin Wise (Towson State); 
Fred Meeks, Linnell Marshall (Maine); Ty Mack, Rod Smith 
(Northeastern); Matt Acres (New Hampshire), 


ATLANTIC COAST 


"1. DUKE 6, VIRGINIA 

+2. NORTH CAROLINA 7. GEORGIA TECH 
*3. CLEMSON в. WAKE FOREST 
+4. MARYLAND 9. NORTH CAROLINA 


*5, FLORIDA STATE STATE 

STANDOUTS: Trajan Langdon, Steve Wojciechowski, Ro- 
shown McLeod (Duke); Antawn Jamison, Vince Carter, Stam- 
mord Williams (North Carolina); Greg Buckner, Terrell 
Mcintyre (Clemson); Laran Profit, Terence Morris, Terrell 
Stokes (Maryland); Kerry Thompson, Randell Jackson, Corey 
Louis (Florida State); Courtney Alexander, Curtis Staples 
(Virginia); Matt Harpring, Dion Glover (Georgia Tech); Tony 
Rutland, Loren Woods (Wake Forest); C.C. Harrison, Ishua 
Benjamin (North Carolina State). 


ATLANTIC TEN 
EAST DIVISION 
*1. ST.JOSEPH'S 4. MASSACHUSETTS 
*2. RHODE ISLAND 5. ST. BONAVENTURE 


^3. TEMPLE 6 FORDHAM 
WEST DIVISION 
*1 XAVIER 4. VIRGINIA TECH 
*2. GEORGE 5. DAYTON 
WASHINGTON 6. DUQUESNE 
3. LASALLE 


STANDOUTS: Rashid Bey (St. Joseph's); Tyson Wheeler, An- 
tonio Reynolds Dean (Rhode Island); Rasheed Brokenbor- 
ough, Pepe Sanchez (Temple); Lari Ketner, Tyrone Weeks 
(UMass); Fashaan Palmer, Tim Winn (St. Bonaventure); 
Maurice Curtis (Fordham); Lenny Brown, James Posey, Gary 
Lumpkin (Xavier); Alexander Koul, Yegor Mescheriakov 
(George Washington); Donnie Carr, Mike Gizzi (La Salle); 
Ryan Perryman (Dayton); Kevin Price, Mike James 
(Duquesne), 


BIG EAST 


BIG EAST SEVEN 

5. PROVIDENCE 
6. RUTGERS 
7. PITTSBURGH 


*L SYRACUSE 
=2. SETON HALL 

3. GEORGETOWN 

4. MIAMI 

BIG EAST SIX 

+1. ST JOHN'S 4. VILLANOVA 

*2. CONNECTICUT 5. BOSTON COLLEGE 

3. NOTRE DAME 6. WEST VIRGINIA 

STANDOUTS: Todd Burgan, Jason Hart (Syracuse); Shaheen 
Holloway, Levell Sanders (Seton Hall); Tim James, Kevin 
Norris (Miami); Jamel Thomas (Providence); Geoff Billet, 
Earl Johnson (Rutgers); Vonteego Cummings (Pittsburgh; 
Zendon Hamilton, Felipe Lopez (St, John’s); Rashamel Jones, 
tard Hamilton (Connecticut); Pat Garrity (Notre Dame); 
John Celestrand, Malik Allen (Villanova); Duane Woodward, 
Antonio Granger (Boston College); Damian Owens, Adrian 
Pledger (West Virginia). 


BIG SKY 
*1. NORTHERN 6. WEBER STATE 
ARIZONA 7. EASTERN 
2. CALSTATE- WASHINGTON. 
NORTHRIDGE 8. IDAHO STATE 
3. MONTANA STATE 9. CAL STATE~ 
4. PORTLAND STATE SACRAMENTO 


5. MONTANA 
STANDOUTS: Andrew Mavis, Ross Land (Norther Arizona); 


PLAYBOY’S 1998 COLLEGE 


Mike O'Quinn, Trenton Cross, Derrick Higgins (Cat 
State-Northridge); Nate Holmstadt, Damon Ollie, Danry 
Sprinkle (Montana State); Brian Towne, Mike Vanderhotf 
(Portland State); J.R. Camel, Ryan Dick (Montana); Damien 
Baskerville, Alex Fisher (Weber State); Kevin Lewis, Karim 
Scott (Eastern Washington); David Culbreath (Idaho State), 


BIG SOUTH 
*1. NORTH CAROLINA- 3. COASTAL CAROLINA 
ASHEVILLE & MARYLAND- 
2. LIBERTY BALTIMORE COUNTY 
3, RADFORD 7, CHARLESTON 
4. WINTHROP SOUTHERN 


STANDOUTS: Josh Pittman, Robert Steverson (North Car- 
olina-Ashevitle); Larry Jackson, Mark Reed (Liberty); Corey 
Reed, Kevin Robinson (Radford); Franklin Butts (Winthrop 
Antoine Sims, Larry Roberts (Coastal Carolina); Isaac Green, 


Jason Womble (Narylan¢-BC). 
BIG TEN 

*1. PURDUE 7. WISCONSIN 

*2. MINNESOTA Е MICHIGAN STATE 
*3. MICHIGAN 9. PENN STATE 

*4. IOWA 10. OHIO STATE 

*5. ILLINOIS 11. NORTHWESTERN 
76. INDIANA 


STANDOUTS: Chad Austin, Brad Miller (Purdue); Sam Ja- 
cobson, Eric Harris (Minnesota); Louis Bullock, Robert Tray- 
lor, Maceo Вазїоп (Michigan); Jess Settles, Ryan Bowen 
(Iowa); Jerry Hester (Illinois): Andrae Patterson, A.J. Guyton 
(Indiana); Sam Okey, Ty Calderwood (Wisconsin); Antonio 
Smith, Mateen Cleaves (Michigan State); Pete Lisicky, Dan 
Earl (Penn State); Damon Stringer, Shaun Stonerook (Ohio 
State); Evan Eschmeyer (Northwestern). 


BIG TWELVE 


+1. KANSAS 7. DAYLOR 
*2. TEXAS £. TEXASTECH 

*3 NEBRASKA 9. OKLAHOMA STATE 
4. OKLAHOMA 10. COLORADO 

5. MISSOURI 1L KANSAS STATE 
6. ТОМА STATE 12. TEXAS ЛЕМ 


STANDOUTS: Raef LaFrentz, Paul Pierce, Billy Thomas 
(Kansas); Kris Clack, Brandy Perryman (Texas); Tyronn Lue, 
Venson Hamilton (Nebraska); Corey Brewer, Eduardo Najera 
(Oklahoma); Kelly Thames, Albert White (Missouri); Stevie. 
Johnson, Marcus Fizer (lowa State); Brian Skinner, Leon 
Morris (Baylor); Cory Carr, Stan Bonewitz (Texas Tech); 
Ronnie DeGray (Colorado); Paco May, Shawn Rhodes (Kansas 
State); Calvin Davis (Texas A&M). 


BIG WEST 


EASTERN DIVISION 
*1. NEW MEXICO STATE 4. UTAH STATE 


2. NEVADA 5. NORTH TEXAS 
3. BOISE STATE & IDAHO 
WESTERN DIVISION 
*l. PACIFIC 4. LONG BEACH STATE. 


2. UG-SANTA BARBARA 5. UC-IRVINE 
3. CALPOLY-SAN 6. CALSTATE- 

LUIS OBISPO FULLERTON 
STANDOUTS: Louis Richardson, Antoine Hubbard (New 
Mexico State); Jimmy Carroll, Paul Culbertson (Nevada; 
Gerry Washington, Roberto Bergersen (Boise State); TJ. 
Atkins, David Miller (North Texas); Kris Baumann (Idaho); 
Michael Olowokandi, Adam Jacobsen, Corey Anders (Pacific) 
Raymond Tutt, Kealon Wallace (UC-Santa Barbara); Lamarr 
Parker, Juma Jackson (UC-Irvine). 


COLONIAL 
+1. OLD DOMINION & GEORGE MASON 
2. JAMES MADISON 7. NORTH CAROLINA- 
3. EAST CAROLINA WILMINGTON 
4. VIRGINIA B. WILLIAM & MARY 
COMMONWEALTH 9. AMERICAN 
5. RICHMOND 


STANDOUTS: Mike Byers, Cal Bowdler (Old Dominion); Eu 
ere Atkirson, Chatney Howard (James Madison); Raphael 
Edwards, Othello Meadows (East Carolina); Marvis Thorn- 


ten, Torrance Archie (Virginia Commonwealth); Eric Poole, 
Jarod Stevenson (Richrrond); Avery Carey (George Mason); 
Stan Simmons, Mark Byington (North Carolina-Wilmirg- 
ton); Randy Bracy (William & Mary) 


CONFERENCE USA 


AMERICAN 
*1. UNC-CHARLOTTE “4. CINCINNATI 
*2. MARQUETTE 5. ST.LOUIS 
*3. LOUISVILLE 6. DEPAUL 
NATIONAL 
"1. ALABAMA- 4. SOUTHERN 
BIRMINGHAM MISSISSIPPI 
2. MEMPHIS 5. HOUSTON 
3. TULANE 6. SOUTH FLORIDA 


STANDOUTS: DeMarco Johnson, Sean Colson (North Caroli- 
re-Chariotte); Aaron Hutchins, Jarrod Lovette (Marquette); 
Nate Johnson, Alex Sanders (Louisville); Ruben Patterson, 
Michael Horton (Cincinnati); Larry Hughes, Jeramy Biles 
(St, Louis); Jermaine Watts (DePaul); Cedric Dixon, Damon 
Cobb (Alabama-Birmingham); Omar Sneed, Detric Golden 
(Memphis); Lawrence Nelson (Tulane); Kelly McCarty, Ji 
mie Floyd (Southern Mississippi); Galen Robinson (Houston); 
Brian Lamb (South Florida). 


IVY LEAGUE 


*1. PRINCETON 5. DARTMOUTH 


2. PENNSYLVANIA Б. CORNELL 
3. HARVARD 7. COLUMBIA 
4. YALE B. BROWN 


STANDOUTS: Brian Earl, Gabe Lewullis, Steve Goodrich 
(Princeton); Paul Romanczuk, Michael Jordan (Pemsylva- 


nia); Tim Hill (Harvard); Ian McGinnis, Jihan Bowes-Litlle 
(Dartmouth); Michael Roberts (Cornell); Gary Raimondo (Co- 
lumbia); Aaron Butler (Brown). 
METRO ATLANTIC 

*1 JONA 6. ST.PETERS 

2. NIAGARA 7. SIENA 

3. LOYOLA COLLEGE В. FAIRFIELD 

4. CANISIUS 9. MARIST 

5. MANHATTAN 10. RIDER 


STANDOUTS: John McDonald, Kashif Hameed, Tariq Kirk- 
say бога}; Kevin Jobity, Mike Piwerka (Niagara); Mike Pow- 
ell, Jason Rowe (Loyola); Kevin Thompson, James Cammaert 
(Canisius); Travis Lyons, Kyle Crandall (Manhattan); Marcus. 
Faison (Siene). 


MID-AMERICAN 


EAST DIVISION 


1. BOWLINGGREEN 4. AKRON 

STATE 5. OHIO 
2. MARSHALL b. KENT 
Э. МАМІ 

WEST DIVISION 

EASTERN 4. TOLEDO 

MICHIGAN 5. NORTHERN ILLINOIS 
2. BALLSTATE b. CENTRAL MICHIGAN 
3. WESTERN 

MICHIGAN 


STANDOUTS: DeMar Moore, Anthony Stacey (Bowling. 
Green State); Carlton Kirg (Marshall); Wally Saczerbiak, Da- 
mon Frierson (Miami); Jimmal Ball, George Phillips (Akron); 
Ed Norvell (Kent); Earl Boykins, Derrick Dial (Eastem 
Michigan); Bonzi Wells (Ball State); Casey Shaw, Clayton 
Burch (Toledo); T.J. Lux (Northern Illinois); Aaron Brown 
(Central Michigan). 


MID-CONTINENT 
*1, VALPARAISO 6. SOUTHERN UTAH 
2. BUFFALO 7. WESTERN ILLINOIS 
3. ORAL ROBERTS 8. NORTHEASTERN 
4. CHICAGO STATE ILLINOIS 


5. MISSOURI- 9. 
KANSAS CITY 

STANDOUTS: Bryce Drew, Antanas Vilcinskas (Valparaiso); 

Rasaun Young, Mike Martinho (Buffalo); Jermaine Hicks, 


YOUNGSTOWN STATE. 


BASKETBALL PREDICTIONS 


Marques Buford (Chicago State); Lonnie Alexander (Mis- 
souri-Kansas City). 


MID-EASTERN 


*1. COPPIN STATE 6. HAMPTON 
2. SOUTH CAROLINA 7. BETHUNE-COOKMAN 
STATE E. DELAWARE STATE 

3. FLORIDA A&M 9. MARYLAND- 
4. MORGAN STATE EASTERN SHORE 
5. NORTH CAROLINA 10. HOWARD 


ДАТ STATE 11. NORFOLK STATE 
STANDOUTS: Antoine Brockington, Kareem Lewis (Coppin 
State); Roderick Blakney, Raheem Waller (South Carolina 
State); Rasheed Sparks, 0'Tes Alston (Morgan State); Kenny. 
Curtis, Tarik Beasley (North Carolina AT State); Brian. 
Parker (Delaware State). 


MIDWESTERN 
^1. BUTLER 5. WRIGHT STATE 
2. ILLINOIS-CHICAGO 6. CLEVELAND STATE 
3. DETROIT MERCY 7. LOYOLA OF CHICAGO 
4. WISCONSIN: 8. WISCONSIN 
GREEN BAY MILWAUKEE 


STANDOUTS: Jon Neuhouser, Rolf van Rijn (Butler); Mark 
Miller, Bryant Lowe (Illinois-Chicago); Derrick Hayes, Brian 
Alexander (Detrcit Mercy); Matt Hill (Wisconsin-Green 
Bay); Keion Brooks (Wright State); James Madison (Cleve- 
lard State). 


MISSOURI VALLEY 
*L ILLINOIS STATE 6. SOUTHERN ILLINOIS 


2. SOUTHWEST 7. NORTHERN IOWA 
MISSOURI STATE Е. CREIGHTON 

3. BRADLEY 9. INDIANA STATE 

4. EVANSVILLE 10. DRAKE 


5. WICHITA STATE 
SIANDUUIS: Kico НШ, Skipp scraetbauer (ипо State; 
Danny Moore, Ben Kandlbincer (Southwest Missouri State); 
Adebayo Akinkunle (Bradley); Marcus Wilson, Chris Holler- 
der (Evansville); Rashad Tucker (Southern Illinois); Tony 
Brus, Darian DeVries (Northern Iowa); Rodney Buford 
(Creighton); Nate Green, Jayson Wells (Indiana State); My- 
ron Richardson, Rashaad Thomas (Drake). 


NORTHEAST 
*1. LONG ISLAND є MONMOUTH 
2. FAIRLEIGH 7. ROBERT MORRIS 
DICKINSON E. CENTRAL CON- 
3. WAGNER NECTICUT STATE 


4. SLFRANCIS-PA — 9. 

5. MOUNT ST. MARY'S. 
STANDOUTS: Charles Jones, Richie Parker, Mike Campbell 
(Long Island); Rahshon Turner, Jermaine Slider (Fairleigh 
Dickinson); Eric Taylor, Sotiris Aggelou (St, Francis-Pa.); 
Joe Fermino (Mormout Javier Smith (Robert Morris); Vi 
tor Payne (Central Connecticut State). 


OHIO VALLEY 


+1. TENNESSEE STATE 5 TENNESSEE TECH 


ST. FRANCIS-NY 


2. MURRAY STATE Е EASTERN KENTUCKY 

3. MIDDLE 7. EASTERN ILLINOIS. 
TENNESSEE в 

4. AUSTIN PEAY 9. SE MISSOURI STATE 
STATE 0. MOREHEAD STATE 


1 
STANDOUTS: Jason Johnson, Kevin Samuel Tennessee 
State); De'Teri Mayes, Chad Townsend (Murray State); Aylton 
Tesch, Richard Duncan (Mide Tennessee); Reggie Crenshaw 
(Austin Peay State); Marc Glanton, Reggie Nelson (Tennessee 
Tech); Daniel Sutton, Matt Simons (Eastern Kentucky); Chad 


Peckinpaugh, Rick Kaye (Eastern Illinois); Joe Crumby (Ter- 
nessee-Martin). 
PACIFIC TEN 
. UCLA & USC 
. ARIZONA 7, WASHINGTON STATE 
STANFORD 8. CALIFORNIA 
WASHINGTON 9. OREGON 


ARIZONA STATE 10. OREGON STATE 


STANDOUTS: Henderson, Jelani McCoy, Toby Bailey 
(UCLA); Miles Simon, Mike Bibby, Bramlett, Michael 
Dickerson (Arizona); Tim Young, Kris Weems (Stanford); 
Todd MacCulloch, Patrick Femerling (Washington); Jeremy 
Veal, Eddie House (Arizona State); Elias Ayuso (USC); Car- 
los Daniel, Blake Pengelly (Washington State); Sean Marks, 
Geno Carlisle (California); Jamar Curry (Oregon), Deaundre 
Tanner (Oregon State). 


PATRIOT LEAGUE 


+1. BUCKNELL 5. COLGATE 
2. NAVY &. LEHIGH 
3. LAFAYETTE 7. ARMY 


4. HOLY CROSS 
STANDOUTS: J.R. Holden, Dan Bowen (Bucknell; Michael 
Heary, Hassan Booker (Маку), Stefan Ciosici, Brian Ehlers, 
(Lafayette); Seth Schaeffer (Colgate); Breit Eppehimer 
(Lehigh). 


SOUTHEASTERN 
EASTERN DIVISION 
KENTUCKY *4. VANDERBILT 
. GEORGIA 5. FLORIDA 
SOUTH CAROLINA 6. TENNESSEE 
WESTERN DIVISION 
*1. MISSISSIPPI 4. MISSISSIPPI STATE 
*2. ARKANSAS 5. AUBURN 
3. ALABAMA 6. LOUISIANA STATE 
STANDOUTS: Jeff Sheppard, Scott Padgett, Wayne Turner 
(Kentucky); Michael Chadwick, Ray Harrison (Georgia); ВЈ 
McKie, Melvin Watson (South Carolina); Drew Maddux, Bil 
ly DI Spaltro (VanderbilD; Eddie Shannon, Greg Stolt (Flori- 
da); Brandon Wharton, Charles Hathavay (Tennessee); Arsu 
Sesay, Jason Smith (Mississippi; Brian Williams (Alabama); 
Horatio Wetster, Tyrone Washington (Mississippi State); 
Randy Hughes, Franklin Williams (Auburn); Maurice Carter, 
Rogers Washington (Louisiana State). 


SOUTHERN 

NORTH DIVISION 
DAVIDSON 4. WESTERN CAROLINA 
2. APPALACHIAN STATE 5. VMI 
3. UNC-GREENSBORO 6. EAST TENNESSEE 

STATE 
SOUTH DIVISION 

3. GEORGIA SOUTHERN. 
4. THE CITADEL 
5. WOFFORD 
STANDOUTS: Mark Donnelly, Landry Kosmalski (Davidson); 
Tige Darner, Kareem Livingston (Appalachian State); Ryan 
Wilson (East Tennessee State); Chuck Vincent, Andre Kerr 
(Furman); David Phillips (Crattenooga); Elvardo Rolle (Geor- 
gia Southern); Virgil Stevens, Matt Newman (The Citadel) 


SOUTHLAND 
SOUTHWEST TEXAS 6. SOUTHEASTERN 
NORTHEAST LOUISIANA 
LOUISIANA 7. TEXAS-SAN ANTONIO 

3. TEXAS-ARLINGTON B. SAM HOUSTON STATE 

4. MCNEESE STATE 9. NORTHWESTERN 

5. NICHOLLS STATE STATE-LOUISIANA 

10. STEPHEN F AUSTIN 

STANDOUTS: Donte Mathis, Jeff Foster (Southwest Texas); 
Ray McGill, Maurice Bell (Northeast Louisiana); Robert 
Taylor, Bill Washington (Texas-Arlington); Demond Mallet 
(McNeese State); Troy Green, Andre Lewis (Southeastern 
Louisiana); Roderic Hall, Steve Meyer (Texas-San Antonio); 
David Amaya (Sam Houston State). 


SOUTHWESTERN 


*1. JACKSON STATE Б. ALCORN STATE 


1. FURMAN 
2. CHATTANOOGA 


2. MISSISSIPPI 7. PRAIRIE VIEW A&M 
VALLEY STATE. 8. SOUTHERN- 

3. TEXAS SOUTHERN. BATON ROUGE 

а. GRAMBLING 9. ARKANSAS- 

5. ALABAMA STATE PINE BLUFF 


STANDOUTS: Trent Pulliam, Robert Fairley (Jackson State); 


Kenyon Ross, Anthony Davis (Mississippi Valley State), Randy 
Bolden (Texas Southern); Mark Meredith, Leroy Hollingshed 
(Grambling); Paul Jones (Alcorn State); Tamarron Sharpe 
(Prairie View A&M); Romell Williams (Southern-Baton 
Rouge). 


SUN BELT 
*1 SOUTHALABAMA 6. JACKSONVILLE 
2. LOUISIANA TECH 7. ARKANSAS STATE 
3. SOUTHWESTERN В. LAMAR 
LOUISIANA 9. WESTERN 
4. NEW ORLEANS KENTUCKY 
5, ARKANSAS- 10. TEXAS-FAN 
LITTLE ROCK AMERICAN 


STANDOUTS: Jerome Coaxum, Rusty Yoder (South Ala 
bama); Lonnie Cooper, Derek Smith, Jacque Collins 
(Louisiana Tech); Reginald Pocle, Chris Manuel, Tyrone Fos- 
ter (Southwestern Louisiana); DeWaune Wesley (New Or- 
leans); Ryan Moss (Arkansas- Little Reck); Micah Ross, John. 
Knox, Aaron Fox (Jacksonville); Jabari Myles, Freddy Hicks 
(Arkansas State); ivan Ostarcevic, Rene Salomao (Texas-Pan 
American). 


TRANS AMERICA 


EAST DIVISION 

*L FLORIDA 3. CAMPBELL 
INTERNATIONAL — 4, STETSON 

2. COLLEGE CF 5. FLORIDA ATLANTIC 
CHARLESTON &. CENTRAL FLORIDA 


WEST DIVISION 

1. GEORGIA STATE 4. MERCER 

2. CENTENARY 5. TROYSTATE 

3. SAMFORD 6. JACKSONVILLE 

STATE 

‘STANDOUTS: Raja Bell, Darius Cook, Gene Derkack (Florida 
International); Sedric Webber (College of Charleston); Corey 
est (Campbell; Garrett Davis (Stetson); Will Daniel (Sam- 
ford); Evans Davis, Bruce Simms (Mercer). 


WEST COAST 


+1. ST. MARY'S 6. SAN DIEGO 
2. SANFRANCISCO 7. LOYOLA 

3, GONZAGA MARYMOUNT 
4. PEPPERDINE 8. PORTLAND 


5. SANTA CLARA 
STANDOUTS: Brad Millard, David Sivulich, Eric Schraeder 
(St. Mary's); Hakeem Ward, M.J. Nodilo, Damian Cantrell 
(San Francisco); Paul Rogers, Matt Santangelo (Gonzaga); 
Gerald Brown, Bryan Fill, Jelani Gardner (Pepperdine); Bri- 
‘an Jones (Santa Clara); Brian Miles (San Diego); Kenny Ho- 
topp (Loyola Marymount); Chivo Anderson (Portland). 


WESTERN ATHLETIC 


MOUNTAIN DIVISION 


*1. UTAH 5. UNLV 
*2. NEW MEXICO 6. TEXAS-EL PASO 
3. COLORADOSTATE 7. AIR FORCE 


4. WYOMING 8. BRIGHAM YOUNG 


PACIFIC DIVISION 


*1. FRESNO STATE 5. SOUTHERN 
*2. HAWAI METHODIST 

3. TULSA 6. RICE 

4. TCU 7. SAN DIEGO STATE 


8. SAN JOSE STATE 
STANDOUTS: Michael Doleac, Andre Miller (Utah); Kenny 
Thomas, Clayton Shields (New Mexico); Matt Barnett, Bryan 
Christiansen (Colorado State); Jeron Roberts, Gregg Sawyer 
(Wyoming); Keon Clark, Tyrone Nesby (UNLV); B.J. Wade 
(Texas-El Paso); Jarmica Reese, Mike Freeman (Air Force); 
Justin Weldaver (Brigham Young); Chris Herren, Tremaine 
Fowlkes, Winfred Walton (Fresno State); Anthony Carter, Ali 

ka Smith (Hawaii); Michael Ruffin, Rod Thompson (Tulsa); 
Mike Jones (TCU); Jay Poerner (Southern Methodist); Jason 
Richey (San Diego State); Marmet Williams (San Jose 
State). 


"Our predictions 10 make the NCAA tournament. 


PLAYBOY 


(44) SETON HALL 


It's the dawn of the Tommy Amaker 
era at Seton Hall. The former Duke 
player and nine-year assistant to Mike 
Krzyzewski has the opportunity to mold 
a program in his image. He has lots of 
talent to work . Guard Shaheen Hol- 
loway (17.3 ppg) returns after an award- 
winning freshman season. His backcourt 
partner, Levell Sanders, averaged slight- 
ly fewer points (15.8 ppg) but chipped in 
5.1 rebounds per game. The Pirates are 
a little small in the paint unless senior 
Jacky Kaba steps up his game. Forward 
Donnell Williams could help on the 
boards if he can avoid the injuries that 
have plagued him most of his collegiate 
career. 


(45) SOUTHWEST MISSOURI STATE. 


It's probably a stretch to think that two 
teams in the Missouri Valley Conference 
could get NCAA bids. However, the 
aforementioned Illinois State and coach 
Steve Alford's Southwest Missouri State 
probably deserve them. Alford, who 
made a name for himself playing for In- 
diana's Bob Knight for all four ycars of 
his college cligibility, gets back four 
starters from last year’s 24-win squad. 
The best of the bunch is 611)” forward 
and center Danny Moore, who averaged 
19.5 points per game. Billy Goby, who 
sat out after transferring from Washing- 
ton State, and juco transfers Butch 


| RUDOLPH UTA YOUR NOSE So BRIGHT, 
WON'T You HELE MR FIND А NiskeL 5 


Tshomba and Ken Stringer could help 
as well. 


(46) MICHIGAN STATE 


The Spartans may not have enough 
firepower to win the Big Ten this season, 
but third-year coach Tom Izzo has а 
promising assortment of returning 
starters and talented recruits. Sopho- 
more guard Mateen Cleaves, who was 
slowed by a back injury last year, should 
be one of the conference's top assist 
men, while 68" forward Antonio Smith 
attempts to repeat as the Big Ten's lead- 
ing rebounder (10.6 rpg). Freshmen 
Charlie Bell and Andre Hutson are 
highly regarded. Expect Michigan State 
to make a serious run at an NCAA tour- 
nament berth. 


(47) VANDERBILT. 


With six of his top seven scorers re- 
turning, Vanderbilt coach Jan van Breda 
Kolff expects his Commodores to im- 
prove on the 19-12 record that got them 
a ticket to the Big Dance last season 
Guard Drew Maddux, power forward 
Billy Di Spaltro and 6/9" center Austin 
Bates are the central players in the 
Vandy scheme of things. Homegrown 
freshman Sam Howard will help in the 
backcourt, while Anthony Williams, Al- 
abama high school player of the year 
and the all-time leading rebounder in 
the state, should help under the boards, 


SS SU 


É 


THN биер ШР The FRIDGE? / N 


a weak spot for the Commodores last 
season. 


(48) SOUTH ALABAMA 


Evidently, Bill Musselman has learned 
a few things about how to win basketball 
games in a 33-year coaching career that 
has taken him from high school to col- 
lege to the ABA, CBA and NBA. In just 
two years since he took the reins at 
South Alabama, he's transformed an ob- 
scure program into a winning team that 
was on the verge of becoming a media 
darling on the eve of the NCAA tourna- 
ment. Had the Jaguars held on to a ten- 
point lead with seven minutes to play in 
their NCAA tourney first-round game 
against eventual national champ Ari- 
zona, Musselman and South Alabama 
would undoubtedly have found them- 
selves thrust into the national spotlight. 
ch four starters returning plus the ad- 
dition of two solid junior college players 
(Travon Broadway and Darrian Evans), 
they'll have another opportunity to up- 
set the big boys when the next season 
rolls around. 


(49) EASTERN MICHIGAN 


Call it "What havc you donc for тс 
lately?” Two years ago, Eastern Michigan 
won the MAC regular season and tour- 
ney titles, then upset mighty Duke (75— 
60) in the first round of the NCAA tour- 
nament. Last season, the Eagles won 22 
games but uipped over Miami in the 
conference tourney championship. Re- 
sult: No NCAA bid, no NIT bid. With 
four starters returning, EMU is out for 
revenge. The best of the Eagles is also 
the smallest: 55" Earl Boykins, who aver- 
aged 19.1 points per game last year. 
Coach Milton Barnes has added 610” ju- 
co transfer Ajani Williams to put muscle 
in the paint, as well as freshman guard 
Sharif Fordham, a defensive specialist. 


(50) LONG ISLAND. 


Who can forget the well-chronicled 
story of Richie Parker, the heralded high 
school player whose life and basketball 
carecr short-circuited when he was con- 
victed on a sexual abuse charge? He rc- 
ceived five years probation and then 
went to Long Island University. So far, 
Parker has remained trouble free in 
school and has excelled on the court 
with a 16.1-points-per-game average. 
However, he’s not the Blackbirds’ only 
weapon. Guard Charles Jones returns as 
the nation’s leading scorer with a 30.1- 
points-per-game average. Senior for- 
ward Mike Campbell added an average 
18.7 as well, giving LIU one of the most 
explosive scoring trios in the nation. 
With better depth and a little more size 
under the boards, Long Island and 
Richie Parker might wind up in the me- 
dia spotlight once again, this time with a 
more positive spin. 


Midnight clear 


(continued from page 140) 
that looked homemade, a pearl choker 
and black penny loafers. She waited be- 
hind a grizzly, middle-aged man in a 
blue-striped cotton robe and pajamas 
who was smoking a cigarette and playing 
a game of solitaire. When Stephens had 
beaten the spine of his book into submis- 
sion, he made a flicking motion with his 
hand, as if he were shooing a fly. “Eck- 
strom's way back thataway." 

The ward was hot, and the air heavy 
and stale. Freddy unbuttoned his coat 
and loosened his tie, looking around. He 
had never been to Granite Falls before, 
but he had been in more than a few psy- 
chiatric facilities. For a state hospital, 
Granite Falls was not a bad place. The 
dayroom was L-shaped with a high ceil- 
ing, a blond-stained oak floor and four 
large alcoves of leaded glass windows 
that were obscured by thick mesh 
screens. It was а capacious room, and 
though there was much evidence of hard 
wear, it retained a kind of bygone ele- 
gance. Apart from a set of old mahogany 
dining tables, the furniture in Ward Six 
was a hodgepodge of Salvation Army 
couches and lounge chairs. In the center 
of the room, next to the television, was a 
nine-foot Christmas tree that was fes- 
tooned with tiny blinking lights, tinsel 
and at least a dozen paper angels. Pine 
wreaths, brightened with glossy red hol- 
ly berries and more homemade angels, 
hung from the mesh window security 
screens. 

As the pair continued to linger, Ste- 
phens beat his book cover against the 
edge of his desk and said, “Go on, get 
out of here. I’m sick of looking at you.” 

Freddy smiled, put on his I'm-in-hell- 
it-doesn't-matter voice and said, “Thank 
you for your patience and consideration, 
Mr. Stephens." 

As Freddy pulled Mrs. Gordon away 
from the charge desk, a man wearing а 
crucifix and a black cloak sidled up to 
the visitors. He had thick curly red hair, 
bushy red eyebrows and a face full of 
freckles. His pale green eyes were ringed 
with gold flecks that made Freddy won- 
der if he suffered from Wilson's disease, 
a syndrome that is marked by the inabil- 
ity to metabolize copper. The man said, 
“Good afternoon. Mr. Eckstrom is in the 
back attending to matters of the highest 
importance. I'm Charlie White. Allow 
me to present my dear friend, Marla 
Hollingsbury." 

"You look like Jacqueline Onassis,” 
Marla said. She had a deep voice and 
a theatrical manner. “Are you her?" 
She reached out and took Mrs. Gor- 
don's hand. 

“Well, people tell me that,” Mrs. Gor- 
don said. “I think it's because of the way 
1 do my hair. I mean, I don't try to culti- 
vate the look.” Shc tried to withdraw 
her hand but Marla continued to pump 


WIRED 
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Picks”: Computers: By 
Packard Bell, 800-733-5858. 
By Falcon Northwest, 541- 
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3355. By Gateway 2000, 
800-846-2000. “The PSX 
Challenge”: PC peripheral 
by Sony Electronics, 800-222- 
7669. “Just Say No to 
Noise": Headphones: By 
Koss, 800-872-5677. By 
Noise Cancellation Technology, 
800-278-3526. By Bose, 800-444-2673. By 
Sony Electronics, 800-222-7669. "Wild. 
Things”: Mouse by Kensington, 800-535- 
4242. Internet terminal by Coollogic, 972- 
480-8383. Scanner by Storm Technology, 
888-438-3279. PC kit by Hilal, 714-953- 
3000. Video camera by Panasonic, 800- 
742-8086. “Multimedia Reviews and 
News": Software: By Red Orb Entertain- 
ment, from Broderbund, 800-521-6263. 
By Sony Electronics, 800-845-7669. By GT 
Interactive Software, 800-610-4847. By 
Interplay Productions, 800-468-3775. By Ei- 
dos Interactive and lon Storm, at software 
stores. By Lucas Arts, 800-985-8227. By 
Nintendo, 800-255-3700. “Sim Luck”: Soft- 
ware: By Acclaim Entertainment, 516-759- 
7800. By Electronic Arts, 800-245-4525. By 
Interactive Magic, 800-789-1534. “Best 
of the Bizarre": Software: By Shiny Enter- 
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553-6655. By Dreamworks, 310-234-7070. 
By Simon & Schuster Interactive, 800-910- 
0099. By Sony Electronics, 800-345-7669. 
By Crystal Dynamics, 415-473-3326. "Sports 
and the Great Outdoors": Software: Ву 
Sony Electronics, 800-345-7669. By Electron- 
ic Arts, 800-245-4525. By Konami, 847-215- 
5100. By Mindscape, 800-231-3088. 


MANTRACK 
Pages 43-44, 46: “Power Smokes”: Oliveros 
from Cigars Direct, 305-445-2990 (ask for 
Rebecca Nieto). Hoja Cubana, at exclusive 
tobacconists. Indian Tabac, 888-766-5387. 
Padrón, 800-453-5635. Caoba, 800-606- 
1001. Lone Wolf, 800-586-9653. “Best 
Seat”: Chair, 800-955-5996 (ask for premi- 
um sales). “Luxury Leather”: Stanley Trav- 
eler, 800-544-0880. Laptop Brief, 800- 
548-5484. “Buck Tool": 800-215-2825. 
“Total Control": Remote, 630-307-3100. 


CHRISTMAS GIFTS 
Pages 95-99: Home theater 
by Projectavision, 888-559- 
7588. Bike by Airo Interna- 
tional, 760-632-0489. Watch- 
es by Longines, 800-897- 
9477. Radio by Grundig 
America, 800-872-2228. Prai- 
rie ATV by Kawasaki, 800- 
661-7433. Guitar by Martin 
Guitars, 800-633-2060. Cups 
from Holland & Holland, 
212-752-7755. Scotch from 
White Rock Distilleries, 800- 
628-5441. Model car by Fine Art Models, 
248-288-5155. Handycam by Sony Elec- 
tronics, 800-222-7669. 


CHRISTMAS GIZMOS 
Pages 120-121: Pager by Motorola, 800- 
548-9954. Phone by Qualcomm, 800-349- 
4188. Communicator by Magellan Systems, 
800-669-4477. Computer by Apple, B00- 
800-2775. Recorder by Olympus America, 
888-553-4448. Controller by Reality Quest, 
888-964-5683. Modem by Hayes Micro 
Computer Products, 770-840-9900. Data 
bank by Casio, 800-962-2746. Videophone 
by 8 x 8, Inc., 888-843-9898, Headset by 
ACS Wireless, 800-995-5500. Computer pe- 
ripheral by Panasonic, 800-742-8086. Ra- 
dar detector by Escort, 800-433-3487. 


YULE TOGS 
Pages 154-157: Suit, shirt and tie by 
DENY, at select Saks Fifth Avenue stores. 
Shoes by Kenneth Cole, 800-536-2653. 
Jacket and trousers by PS Paul Smith, 212- 
338-0120. Shirt by John Bartlett, at select 
Bloomingdale's, Tie by Prada, 212-327- 
0488, Jacket, trousers and shirt by Nicole 
Farhi, at Charivari, 212-333-4040. Suit, 
shirt and tie by Giorgio Armani, at Giorgio 
Armani Boutiques. Jacket and pants by 
Paul Smith, 219-338-0120. Shirt from Aes- 
thetics b) Maurice Malone, at Fred Segal, 
213-651-3342. Si Че and shoes by 
Prada, 212-327-0: 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 223: Rack unit by Bell’Oggetti, 732- 
972-1333. Receiver by Yamaha, 800-492- 
6242. Laser disc, DVD and CD player by 
Pioneer Electronics, 800-746-6337. DSS re- 
ceiver by Uniden America Corp., 817-858- 
3300. VCR by КСА, from Thomson Elec- 
tronics, 800-336-1900. Headphones by 
Sony Electronics, 800-999-7669. 


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C MICHAEL GRECCCISYEMA. 


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Freddy was getting a kick out of this 
He smiled at the man in black. “If your 
name is Charles White, how come you 
wear all that black? You wearin’ a whole 
lotta blacl 
“Tm a man of Dostoyevskian complex- 

Mr. White said. 
I thought maybe you were like Zorro 
or something,” Freddy said. 

Marla continued to pump Mrs. Gor- 
don's hand with such vigor that Iona in- 
advertently stepped out of her left shoe. 
“Charlie has seizures,” Marla said. 

“That's true," White said. "But other- 
wise I'm in perfect health." 

“Take it casy, Marla, you're hurting 

ie," Mrs. Gordon said. "Let go of my 
hand!" 

Marla began to laugh hysterically. 
“I'm really nervous.” 

Charles White grabbed Marla's wrist, 
which seemed as thick as a railroad tie, 
and loosened her grip. “Marla's excited 
She doesn't meet many celebrities in this 
place." 

“But I'm not a celebrity. My name is 
Tona Gordon." 

“We know that you aren't the former 
first lady," Charlie told her. “She's been 
dead for some time now! Three years, 
seven months, four days and 21 hours, 
16 minutes." 

Marla continued to giggle. "Charlie 
and I are Jackie's Granite Falls fan club. 
I'm sorry, lona. You're such a lovely 
woman. You do look like her. And your 
friend looks like John Cassavetes." 

Mrs. Gordon was appalled at Marla's 
tongue. It was black and seemed to be a 
yard long. Freddy picked up his step- 
mother's shoe and began to usher her 
away. She stopped to slip it on. The back 
of the ward was dark and they moved in 
that direction with trepidation. 

"What's with her tongue?" Mrs. Gor- 
don whispered. 

“Pepto-Bismol. The bismuth does 
that,” Freddy said. “Stomach upsets. Ei- 
ther that or she's a chow dog.” 

Cousin Eustace was on his knees at the 
back of the dayroom, carefully laying a 
bead of ketchup along the oak base- 
board. “Hey-ya,” Freddy said. “Whe 
going on, bro? 

Eustace Eckstrom was in his middle 
50s, but he looked much older. He had 
gone entirely bald since Freddy had last 
seen him. The left side of his face was 
sagging. His mouth was set askew. His 
right eyelid twitched. Eustace wore a 
pair of loose khaki pants, shower shoes 
and a dingy couon singlet. He had the 
sort of beard that made him look badly 
in need of a shave, even after a shave. 
This effect was accentuated by hi: 
deathly pallor. Eustace's shoulders were 
slumped and his countenance was down- 
cast. He took in the presence of his cous- 
ins and said, “Those motherfuckers are 
at it again—pumping gas in here.” 

“Oh yeah?” Freddy said. 


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198 


"Yeah!" Eustace said. "I can hear them 
talking when I take my urine. I can't see 
them. Just hear tinkle voices." 

“In your piss?” Freddy said. 

“Yeah, my urine." 

“That can happen," Freddy said with a 


mischievous smile. "I wouldn't wor- 


ry about it. Hey, look who came here to 
see you." 

Cousin Eustace worked the ketchup 
container like a caulking gun, edging the 


сеа 


nozzle along the baseboard. “It's Aunt 
Iona," Cousin Eustace said. "I already 
saw her. She sends me the same thing 
every year and 1 never eat it. Trying to 
poison me and collect on insurance, 
thats all.” 

“You could do with some vitamin C, 
Eu” Freddy said. 

"Soda crackers. That's all I eat. 
Saltines.” 

Mrs. Gordon said, "You're working 


"It's probably some sort of freak 
weather condition. Nothing ever happens around here at 
this time of year." 


се. Would you like to 
with us? Go out for a 
ride, maybe? ТЇЇ get you a present you 
really want. What do you say?” 

Eustace got up and laid a bead of 
ketchup along the base of a window. 
“Smell the gas?" 

Freddy shook his head and said, 
“Brother, it smells like you got a load in 
your рап! 

“There's a war in heaven,” Cousin 
Eustace said. "That's what the piss voices 
say. I'm on the punishment brigade. You 
better just leave me alone from now on.” 

Freddy wriggled a finger in his ear 
and said, “Aunt Iona brought some real- 
ly boring family pictures she thought 
you might want to sce.” 

"I'm busy here,” Eustace said. 

“OK,” Freddy said. “I'd like to ask you 
a question. What's this I hear about you 
having scx on weekends back in the days 
of your youth?” 

Eustace's features brightened. “Did 
you talk to Vera?” 

“Ts that her name? What did she look 
like?” Freddy said. 

“Vera Simpson?” Mrs. Gordon said. 
“Ho, boy! I remember her.” 

“She sent me a Christmas card, Aunt 
Jona, From Oklahoma. Drive me there! 
OK?" 

"Io Oklahoma?" Mrs. Gordon said. "I 
don't know. That's pretty far." 

Cousin Eustace thought this over for а 
moment and a dark look came over his 
tace. He said, "You oHered me a present 
and then you chink out! Go fuck!" 

Mrs. Gordon followed Freddy back to 
Stephens' desk. It was obvious that ev- 
eryone in the ward had listened to their 
conversation. lona Gordon felt so con- 
spicuous she hardly knew how to walk. 

Eustace called after them. "I'm not a 
woman, Fred. I have an Adam's apple." 

A patient in a knit hat looked up from. 
the TV and cried out, “That's right! And 
you are one snoring-ass motherfucker. 
Know what else, asshole? Romeo and 
Juliet? If they don't commit suicide, they 
get sick of each other. Put them in a ho- 
tel room for six weeks! Six dick-fucking 
weeks and they'll be singing a whole dif 
ferent tune." 

Stephens looked up from his book and 
yelled, "Can it, Edwall!" 

At the charge desk Stephens told Fred- 
dy he would need an OK from a staff. 
physician to review Cousin Eustace’s 
records. “Today that would be Dr. Ban- 
gladesh,” the orderly said, picking up 
the phone. “I'll page him. He might still 
be around.” 

Freddy looked at the patients watch- 
ing television. Others were sleeping on 
couches, even on the floor, Various iso- 
latos sat or stood, preoccupied with their 
thoughts and scemingly oblivious to 
their environment. 

Charles White twisted the crucifix 
hanging from his neck. He said, “We 
arc held in lower regard than barnyard 


animals. This is а warehouse for the 
damned.” 

“I've been told there's a war raging in 
heaven,” Freddy said. 

Charlie fluffed his curly fringe of гей 
hair and Freddy saw large yellow flecks 
of dandruff spring into the air. "Morc 
than war, it's a reckoning,” White said. 
“From your flippant tone 1 can tell you 
aren't picking up on this. I'm here. I'm 
on the inside. Michael and his angels 
fought against the dragon; and the drag- 
on fought, and his angels, and prevailed 
not. And the great dragon was cast out, 
that old serpent, called the devil, and Sa- 
tan, which deceiveth the whole world 
He was cast out into the carth, and his 
angels were cast out with him." 

“So that's what's wrong with the 
world?" Freddy said. The tumbler on the 
steel door's lock rattled and the short 
man Freddy had encountered in the 
parking lot walked in. His black mus- 
tache had thawed and, while it was thick, 
joining his lip to his hawklike nose, it was 
no wider than a postage stamp. He wore 
a pair of hal£frame glasses that were 
steamed from the weather. Freddy 
watched as he reached up and hung his 
homburg and overcoat on a wall hook in 
the meds station. Although his face was 
ruddy, he did not seem to have suffered 
especially from the cold. If anything, he 
seemed invigorated. He slipped on a 
white lab coat and clipped a beeper to 
his belt. When he spotted Freddy 
through the office window, his eyes twin- 
kled and he walked back into the ward. 
“Va-boom!” he said. “Ah-ho-yeah! So we 
meet again. I’m Oscar Bangladesh. How 
can 1 help you?” 

"I'm Freddy Blaine from the city hos- 
pital. And this is my stepmother, Iona 
Gordon, wife of the late Dr. William 
Blaine. I wondered if I could take a look 
at Mr. Eckstrom's records. He's a rela- 
tive. My cousin." 

Dr. Bangladesh escorted the visitors 
back into the office and dropped the 
venctian blinds over the window. Freddy, 
who was 6'1", towered over the psychia- 
trist. "New shoes?" Freddy said. 
“Two-tones, Very snazzy.” 

The doctor wore a pair of white-and- 
brown Bostonian shoes with smooth toe 
caps, “Hah! Correct. Christmas pres- 
ent,” Dr. Bangladesh said. “Special order 
from Massachusetts. It's expensive as 
hell being a little person.” 

“I never considered that,” Mrs. Gor- 
don said. “But it must be true. All the 
stuff in your house must be different. 
Your furniture, I mean.” 

“So true. I live in a gingerbread 
house,” Dr. Bangladesh said. “It requires 
constant attention." 

From the ward Charlie White called, 
*It gets green mold on it. Or he gets 
hungry and eats it." 

“Isn't that amazing?" Dr. Bangladesh 
whispered. “The most incredible sense 
of hearing Гуе ever encountered. And 


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he can calculate numbers like a wizard. 
Baseball stats are his thing.” 

“Lam a genius,” Charles said. “You are 
a house eater.” 

“Yes, Charles, periodically 1 become 
ravenous and devour an entire house. 
Of course! In fact, I could eat a sky- 
scraper right now! The Empire State 
Building—an appetizer. Hah! Va- 
boom!" 

Mrs. Gordon realized she was staring. 
at the little man. Apart from his new 
shoes, Dr. Bangladesh wore a brown 
three-piece gabardine suit that was be- 
ginning to shine with age and a dirty yel- 
low tie festooned with miniature golfers 
driving off from tees. He stood before 
Freddy and Mrs. Gordon with a square 
hand tucked into his vest, Napoléon 
style. 

Freddy said, "Eustace doesn't look so 
hot. There's motor impairment on the 
whole left side of his body, slurred 
speech, his eye” 

Dr. Bangladesh smoothed his bushy 
eyebrows, then steepled his blunt fingers 
and took on an air of doctorly concern. 
“Yes, Mr. Eckstrom. A stroke, but there 
was all the previous physical impairment 
from a fall he suffered. He hasn't done 
well here. Twelve years now and noth- 
ing but trouble. Few have sufficient ego 
strength to withstand the rigors of long- 
term confinement. Have a seat, both of 
you, please." 

“No, thanks. I'm going back out 
there," Mrs. Gordon said. "I can't 
breathe." She brushed past Freddy and 
stepped out into the ward. 

Dr. Bangladesh snapped on a floor 
fan. "Does it really smell in here? Peo- 
ple say it does. I've been here so long, I 
can't tell anymore." He pulled a manila- 


Gut browd 


"Organ donor, my ass!” 


backed chart from a battered gray filing 
cabinet, glancing at it before passing it to 
Freddy. “Mr. Eckstrom suffered a series 
of small strokes, was sent to the city hos- 
pital, and when he stabilized, he was re- 
turned to the ward. He's been on hep- 
arin and there's been bruising. We didn't 
know he had family. Is there anyone who 
might ——" 

"Take him in? 1 don't think so," Fred- 
dy said. "Nor possible." 

Dr. Bangladesh's hand clung to the 
top drawer of the filing cabinet. He 
hung his head and looked down at the 
floor. "Well, I'm afraid he can't last much 
longer." 

Freddy poked his head out into the 
ward and took a look at the back of the 
room. Eustace was again on his knees 
with the ketchup container. “He told me 
someone is pumping gas into the ward." 

"Someone is pumping gas in here," 
Charles White said from a dining table 
chair. Freddy watched him scratch his 
fringe of red hair. 

Dr. Bangladesh stepped into the ward, 
hiking up his slacks. He placed his hands 
on his hips, large hips for such a small 
man. “Гуе already explained this to you, 
Charles. Our ventilation system is old. 
It's inadequate." 

*Bullcrap! They've been making 
buildings for thousands of years." White. 
slammed his fist on the table. "We've got 
windows! Why can't we open those win- 
dows? There's gas in this suckhole.” 

Dr. Bangladesh looked at the floor and 
shook his head wearily. “And what sort of 
gas would that be, Mr. White?” 

A woman who was sitting alone in a 
dark corner crying wiped tears from her 
eyes with the sleeves of her pajamas and 
sat up defiantly. She had a British accent. 


“It's vaguely . . . buttholish. We could do 
with some fresh air, Doctor. Everyone is 
turning yellow." 

From the back of the ward a faraway 
voice cried, "This motherfucker smells 
like a ripe ass." 

A thin man in his 70s pulled off his 
plaid snap-billed cap and slapped it 
ae his thigh. “Smells like cat pee,” 


Кре, clapped his hands and 


pointed a finger at the old man. “Hen 
Pierce, you calm down, mister! I'll have 
you in an isolation cell so fast you won't. 
know what hit you." 

“Are you talking to me?" Pierce said. 
“What I said was mild. People are throw- 
ing the F word around again." 

Charles White turned to Freddy. "Zyk- 
lon B, Dr. Blaine. You're in it with him. 
‘They must have sent you over here from 
Germany with a new supply." 

Freddy said, "You're a fraud, Mr. 
White. АП I'm hearing from you is 
clichéd nuthouse ideation. 1 think they 
should give you a bottle of Dilantin and 
discharge you. Get a job! Hack it out 
there in the real world.” 

Dr. Bangladesh pulled a roll of winter- 
green Life Savers from his pocket and 
peeled off: үс foil top. He put four of the 
candies in his mouth. “Think of it like 
this, Charles. If the staff were pumping 
gas in, would we not also be asphyxiating 
ourselves?” 

“Selective infusions. You're never here 
for them, Oscar," Charles White said. 
“Once in a blue moon you pass through 
joint and that's it. All you do is play 


“Don't attack me. Your argument just 
doesn't hold up and you know it. Who 
plays golf when it's 20 below?" Dr. 
Bangladesh removed his half frames and 
wiped them with his sleeve. There were 
beads of perspiration on his forehead. 
He looked at Freddy. "It's hot in here, 
Tl give him that.” 

Charles White said, “Iwo things: hot 
and no oxygen.” 

“Bring it up in group on Tuesday. In 
the meantime, kindly subdue yourself! 
T'm tired too.” 

“You are tired," Charlie said. “Very 
tired, Oscar. Not good at all.” 

Stephens set The Sea Wolf on the 
charge desk. "Knock it off, Charlie, or 
ГЇЇ come over there! Those isolation cells 
are ready, willing and able. I'm counting 
to three!” 

Mr. White turned away and plopped 
down in a chair before the TV set. He 
draped his arms along the sides of the 
chair and sulked. Freddy watched him 
for a moment. His head and right hand 
twitched every few seconds. Suddenly he 
got up and changed channels. Another 
patient snapped out of a hypnotic daze 
to protest, and the two started arguing. 
‘They could barely be heard over the 
high volume of the TV. 

Dr. Bangladesh waved Freddy back 


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ered his voice and said, “Being in the 
presence of a manic personality is ex- 
hausting for me. They suck up all the 
energy in the room and leave you 
drained. Every time I walk in the door, 
there he is, ready to assail me with the 
most unimaginable kind of stupid crap 
you could ever think of, A 45-minute rap 
over nothing.” 

Freddy studied the doctor's face. 
“He's right, though. You don't look very 
well. Your left pupil isa pinpoint and the 
right is dilated.” 

Dr. Bangladesh took a step back, 
alarmed. “Really? What does that mean, 
medically? I'm not a doctor, Im a psy- 
chiatrist. Is that some cardinal signal?" 

"Probably it means nothing,” Freddy 
said. “Just tired, that's all." 

“No, there's more,” Dr. Bangladesh 
said. “I feel sicker than а dog. Every- 
thing is swirly. An attack of hypo- 
glycemia?” Dr. Bangladesh braced him- 
self against the wall. “Damn! I feel 
actively sick. I'm dizzy as shit. You don't 
think I might have an aneurysm or 
something, do you?” 

“Get something to eat,” Freddy said. 
“You haven't got an aneurysm. You're 
tired.” 

Dr. Bangladesh held his head in his 
hands. “Alas, the carcass makes itself 
known again; I can't think. Ugh! It has 
to be hypoglycemia. I have a very rapid 
metabolism. 1 need to eat. Feel free to sit 
in here. You will be more comfortable. 
Excuse me, I have to go eat a little bite 
and lie down for a minute in the staff 
lounge.” 

‘The doctor's two-tone shoes squeaked 
as he walked across the oak floor. Freddy 
watched him reach up to open the heavy 
steel door and then disappear. As the 
door slammed shut, Freddy shook his 
head. Either the job was getting to the 


man or he had never been quite right 
in the first place. He dosed the door of 
the office, sat down and began to page 
through the Eustace Eckstrom chart. 
What was there was much as he had ex- 
pected. Eustace had dangerously high 
blood pressure readings, but there were 
no recorded vascular studies or MRIs. 
He was being treated with beta-blockers 
and diuretics that were adequate but not 
exactly state of the art. He was receiving 
stupendous doses of the blood thinner 
heparin, also Haldol for auditory hallu- 
cinations, and large doses of a standard 
antidepressant drug—a tricyclic that was 
too much, really, for a person with a 
tricky circulatory system and funny 
heart rhythms. On top of that, they were 
giving Eustace valproate for seizures. 
Cousin Eustace had a stated IQ of 82. 
Freddy flipped his te over his shoulder 
as a nurse with small breasts, a pitted 
face and a low-slung ass came into the of- 
fice. “Are you Dr. Blaine?” 

Freddy set the chart down and said, 
“Yes. What's wrong?” 

“It’s Dr. Bangladesh. Please, come 
with me,” she said. “He's out.” 

Freddy and the nurse ran down two 
flights of stairs to the stafflounge, a small 
room with a table and chairs, a refriger- 
ator, microwave oven and a coffeepot. 
Dr. Bangladesh was lying on a Nau- 
gahyde couch, bathed in sweat. One of 
his new shoes was lying on the floor. 

“What's going on here?” Freddy said. 

“I don’t know,” the nurse said. “He 
was all right one minute and then he just 
started acting like he was . . . out of it. I 
couldn't make any sense out of him. He 
said something about being gassed.” 

Freddy laughed. “Gassed, huh?” 

“Yes. He was sweating furiously and 
then he passed out.” 

Freddy unbuttoned the little man's 
Jacket, vest and shirt. “Any known health 


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problems? Heart disease? Diabetes?” 

The nurse thought for a moment. “He 
guzzles water and goes to the bathroom. 
constantly." 

"Where's the house physician?" Fred- 
dy said as he removed the doctor's lab 
coat, jacket and tic. “I don't even work 
here.” 

The nurse lowered her voice and said, 
“The house doctor, Zarkov? We don't 
want him. He's a bungler." 

Freddy took the nurse's stethoscope 
and began to listen to Oscar's heart. 
“Meningitis in this place?” 

“No,” the nurse said. 

“Get me a glucose meter and a 
glucagon kit,” Freddy said. He expertly 
moved the stethoscope about the doc- 
tor's chest and then began to poke his 
abdomen. 

When the nurse returned, Freddy 
said, "I can hear a squeak in his lungs. 
His pulse is 170. His organs feel normal. 
Run a check on his sugar. Have they got. 
tuberculosis?" 

“No.” The nurse pricked the doctor's 
finger with a spring-loaded lancet. She 
cocked the device and did it again, look- 
ing up at them in frustration. “I can't get 
any blood," she said. * hands are 
freezing." 

Freddy took the lancet from her, re- 
cocked it and popped Dr. Bangladesh in 
the earlobe. He squeezed a drop of 
blood onto the test strip. “Never fails," 
Freddy said. "Ready? Here we go: 
countdown!" The glucose meter flashed 
45, and second by second the numbers 
began to run backward as pulses of red 
light flashed through the test strip. 
“How does one acquire a name like Os- 
car Bangladesh?" Freddy said. 

“It's not his real name," the nurse 
said. "His parents are very high up in In- 
dia, I think. Maharajas or something. 
Did he lay that 500-watt smile on you?" 

“Yeah. 'Va-boom! Ah-ho-yeah!"” 

The nurse laughed. "His parents vere 
pissed that he didn't marry a traditional 
woman. What they don't know is that 
he's gay. At least that's the rumor. It must. 
be true—he listens to Broadway show 
tunes. And here's the clincher—he has 
three Burmese cats!" 

"Three? That cinches it. He's а 
flamer.” 

The glucose meter beeped and the 
nurse handed it to Freddy. “He’s down 
to 28.” 

“That's pretty low. Saw a guy walk in 
with a seven once, and he was . . . walk- 
ing! Look." He held up one of Dr. 
Bangladesh's tiny hands. “The tips of 
these three fingers look like pin cush- 
ions. That's why you couldn't get any 
blood—he's got calluses from self-test- 
ing. And look here;" һе said, pulling up. 
the doctor's shirt. "See these bruises all 
over his abdomen? Injection sites. He's a 
diabetic, overweight." Freddy removed 
the syringe from the emergency kit and 
squirted the diluting solution into the 


bottle of powdered glucagon. He shook 
it for a second, drew the mixed solution 
back into the syringe and injected it into 
the doctor's thigh. "What's the date on 
the package?" 

The nurse picked up the box and 
peered. “It’s 15 months old. It expired 
three months ago." 

Freddy said, "It should work fine. Es- 
sentially there's a thousand times more, 
or so, than he needs, and he's a little 


The nurse said, “You really are a pret- 
ty cool customer, Doctor. Where do you 
practice?” 

"At City. Trauma surgery. In the eye of 
the storm. Only then am I calm. I cannot 
say why that is so.” 

"The nurse preened her hair. "Would 
you like to go out for a drink sometime?" 

“I'm pretty busy," Freddy said. “I 
work. It's about all I do. But thanks just. 
the same." 

“You aren't gay are you?" 

“I don't have any Burmese cats," 
Freddy said. He lifted up Oscar's bare 
foot, pointing at his little toe. "This little 
piggy has bunionettes,” he said. 

The nurse laughed. “You mean he's 
too small to get actual bunions?" 

“Bunionettes, a.k.a. tailor's bunions, 
commonly occur with bunions. He's go- 
ing to end up with a hammertoe.” 

The nurse laughed. “A hammertoe!” 

“Check out the proximal interpha- 
langeal joint on his middle toc. It's 
swollen. He's got a corn on it. It's a ham- 
mertoe fucking waiting to happen.” 

“It’s just bent a little," the nurse said. 

“The hammertoe is the converse of 
the mallet toe, but his metatarsal pha- 
langeal joint is contracted as well. Let 
me revise my opinion. I predict a claw 
toe, which is the super-whompo-jumbo 
combo—hammer and mallet. Bad shoes 
don't cause claw toes.” He kicked the 
brown shoe on the floor. “No one knows 
really what does. It can be something 
systemic like diabetes, Probably just that. 
When I eyed his foot in the beginning, 1 
was thinking in terms of Charcot's 3 
A breakdown of the ligaments and ten- 
dons—joint dislocation. This is a very 

‚ strange foot, nurse." 

“Nancy. My name is Nancy. What's 
yours?" 

"Frederick. See here, he has no hair 
on his foot or toes. He's got shit for pe- 
ripheral circulation. The nails are thick 
with fungus. Fissures, dry skin. Ought to 
try some Sporanox for those nails. It 
works. The metatarsal head of the big 
toe is pushed medially and the phalanx 
is pointing toward the second toe, see?” 

“Yes. So what?” 

“It's no big deal,” Freddy said, “in the 
cosmic sense. But take an interest in 
medicine. It's your job. Don't you like it? 
Aren't you fascinated by it?" 

“I hate this place. And I'm beginning 
to hate you." 

The color returned to Dr. Bangla- 


desh's face and he opened his eyes. Fred- 
dy said, "Welcome back to the very 
strange world of rock and roll, Doctor." 

Dr. Bangladesh looked at him without 
comprehension. "Where am I? What 
happened? It felt like I was drowning. 
Some horrible Godzilla-like reptilian 
monster was strangling me.” 

Freddy said, “You just had an insulin 
reaction, my friend.” 

“That's not possible!” Dr. Bangladesh 
sat up. "I vehemently deny that scabrous 
accusation. I have an extremely rapid 
metabolism. I eat 9000 calories a day. 1 
vaguely have hypoglycemia. I'm over- 
worked. Hell, they work me like a god- 
damn hound: Where are my glasses?" 

The nurse picked up his glasses from 
the floor and handed them to him. As 
soon as he put them on he looked at 
Freddy. “The work of 40 Sabine slaves 
and 17 horses and never so much as a 
thank you!” 

"It's not against the law to be a diabet- 
ic," Freddy said. 

"I'm not!” Dr. Bangladesh said. 

“Hey, brother, I'm just sayin’, you 
know." Freddy reached over and picked 
up the doctor's shoe. A lace was broken 

Dr. Bangladesh snatched the shoe 
from Freddy's hand. “1 demand confi- 
dentiality on this, from both of you." 

Freddy said, "You had a severe insulin 
reaction. I just vant to make sure you 
know what you are doing. Get a second 
opinion. You're just feeling rowdy from 
the incident. I'm not going to say fuck- 
ing shit to anyone, but I'm right and 
you've been told." 

The little doctor snarled, "Swear." 

Freddy held his palm up and backed 
out of the room. “I don't know nothin’.” 

Freddy took the stairs back to Ward 
Six. In a moment the nurse, Nancy, 
caught up with him and pressed a card 
with her number on it into his hand. Her 
cheeks were flushed. She said, "Call me." 

Freddy pocketed the card and said, 
"See that Dr. Bangladesh gets something 
to eat. Tell him if he doesn't educate 
himself about diabetes, he's a goner." 

The nurse stood before Freddy with 
her hands on her hips. She said, “You 
won't call, will you? Well, you can just go 
to hell!" 

Freddy buzzed back into the ward and. 
waited for Stephens to open the office. 
As he was returning Cousin Eustace's 
file, he spotted a medical bag lying open 
on the floor. Inside it was a glucose me- 
ter and two portable insulin syringe cas- 
ез. Also two bottles of Dexedrine. He 
wondered why Dr. Bangladesh would Бе 
taking speed. Probably for kicks. He 
closed the bag and stepped back out into 
the ward. 

His stepmother was in the middle of 
the dayroom working Marla's hair over 
with a brush and a can of hair spray. An 
array of cosmetics had been laid out on 
a table. She shifted her weight back on 
one heel and studied Marla's face. After 


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examining Dr. Bangladesh, Freddy 
found it hard to factor a giantess into his 
consciousness. Marla was huge. Mrs. 
Gordon was saying, “Your hair is very 
dark. I think we could go with some 
more rouge.” 

“We have recreation in the gym,” Mar- 
la said. “The men let me play basketball 
with them. They always choose me. I'm 
good at softball too. You know, 1 was 
watching a rerun of Cheers the other day 
and the bartender, Sam—the one who 
was supposed to be a baseball player— 
came Out from behind the bar and was 
walking around, bending over and stuff, 
and I was shocked to see how skinny his 
legs were. Toothpicks. I don't think it's 
realistic for the audience to believe that 
he used to be a professional ballplayer 
with those thin legs. From the top up, 
maybe. But not after you get a load of 
those legs. I used to enjoy the program 
until I made that observation. I can't get 
into it anymore. Sam should lift leg 
weights or something. That guy Woody 
has a pretty nice body, but too many of 
the characters on that show are bald. 
Count 'em. Count baldies next time you 
check it out. Plus, nobody can be as stu- 
pid as Woody. With a chick he would 
never get to first base." 

“I think they're both cute,” Mrs. Gor- 
don said 

Marla said, “Frasier is a cue ball. Sam 
has cotton candy for hair, blow-drier 
hair. The post office guy is another baldy 
and he makes me depressed. The fat guy 
has hair but he's so fat! And it's that wiry 
kind of hair. Imagine a ton of that all 
over your pillows or in your bathroom 
sink. Ecchh! It springs! I can clog dance 
I mean . . . Pm learning how.” 

Freddy plopped down in a chair next 
to Marla and said, "Whar's going on 
here, some kind of total makeover?" 
Without waiting for an answer he said, 
"Christ! I'm having a nicotine fit and I 
gave away my cigarettes." 

Marla said, “Мт. Stephens smokes. 
Bum a coffin nail offa him." 

“He's gone,” Freddy said. "Where in 
fuck, 1 don't know." 

Mrs. Gordon gave Freddy a reproving 
look. "Stop swearing so much. We're just 
having a little girl fun. Calm down and 
check this out. You're going to like it." 

She placed her sunglasses on Marla's 
face. “Perfect, no?" She handed Marla 
a little hand mirror so she could see 
herself. 

Marla said, "I want a man with a head 
full of hair, not some cue ball." 

Mrs. Gordon snorted. 

"Some damn cue ball with a hatchet 
face," Marla said. "It wrecks the enter- 
tainment value of the show, which some- 
times has good lines." 

Mrs. Gordon shuddered with laugh- 
ter. Marla pounded her fist against her 
knee, threw back her head and roared. 

"Christ, have you two been smoking a 
joint, or what?" Freddy said. 


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“We took a hit off a doobie, so what?" 
Mrs. Gordon said. “Don't be such a 
tightass." 

"What, you can smoke dope here?" 

“Not officially," Marla said. 

There was a clamor in the hallway. In 
a moment the steel door swung open as 
Charlie White and Stephens struggled to 
push three aluminum food carts into the 
ward. Freddy gave them a hand setting 
up the carts as patients began to line up, 
selecting trays and utensils. 

Once the carts were in place, Charlie 
White slipped on an apron. "Christmas 
dinner, folks! And not a bad one for a 
change. Hot turkey and dressing, the 
vegetable medley, spice cake with raisins. 
Mira, turn off the TV! You, Hen P, quit 
that grab-assing. There's plenty for 
everyone. And you two, over there 
laughing. Cut it out. I mean it." 

Marla mimicked a scene from Cheers. 
Сап I get you another beer, Norm?" 
"Yeah, sure, sticklaig. "Cause those ain't 
legs, them are laigs.” 

Before Charlie White began to ladle 
out food, he cleared his throat. "Dear 
Lord, thanks for the food, leftovers 
though they may be, and the roof over 
our heads. Thanks for the crappy weath- 
er since it canceled the VÀ Christmas 
entertainment. That was a blessing 
Amen.” 

Marla and Mrs. Gordon joined the 
line, picking up serving trays while Fred- 
dy helped Stephens pull a case of milk 
out of the refrigerator and set it next to 
the serving table. When Stephens gave 
Freddy a cigarette and a light, Freddy 
said, "The devil has left the premises!" 

Charlie White said, “He's gone 
Through the power of dynamic prayer, 1 
can make the sick well. Hemophiliacs, T 
can cure by the dozen. Or when in- 
clined, Пау а spell on you.” 

“You better be careful there, Mr. 
White,” Mrs. Gordon said, her eyebrows 
raised. “They call him Shootin’ Bill.” 

Charlie looked at Freddy. “Who? 
Him?" 

“That's right,” Freddy said, taking a 
big drag on the cigarette. "I'm Shootin’ 
Bill. And I'll shoot ya." 

Charlie's face dissolved into a warm 
smile. “Oh yeah?” 

“Take heed. I'm deadly,” Freddy said. 
“So look out!” 

“Or you'll be in big trouble, Charlie 
White,” Marla said. 

“It’s true, I'm a malefactor,” Freddy 
said. “Check it out. The Christmas pro- 
gram got canceled, but two mysterious 
strangers arrive on the scene. Angels? 
Possibly. Watch this.” Freddy moved 
away from the serving cart and went to 
the tables, performing a magic trick he 
often used to great effect with the chil- 
dren in the city hospital ER. “The disap- 
pearing hankie. Where did it go? Why, 
nobody knows.” 

“What else can you do?” Hen Pierce 
said. “Is that it?" 


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Freddy picked up four saltshakers and 
began to juggle, mugging to the audi- 
ence. The slower patients responded 
with peals of laughter. “I can't always 
make the sick well, and I cannot turn wa- 
ter into wine,” he said, enlarging the arc 
of the spinning saltshakers. He would 
pretend to let one fall, only to kick it 
back into the configuration with the side 
of his shoe. The patients waited for him 
to drop one, but Freddy was adept and 
well practiced. He edged over to a table 
and fed two pepper shakers into the arc. 
His cigarette was pursed in the middle of 
his mouth and he squinted his eyes 
against the smoke. “What 1 can do— 
I can patty-patty-bop-bop-wop-bop-a- 
shoo-bop.” 

Mrs. Gordon said, “You're getting salt 
all over everything.” 

Hen Pierce said, “He reminds me of 
that ice-skater, what's-his-face.” 

“Brian Boitano,” Marla said. 

“No,” Hen Pierce said. “Scott or Kent 
ог somebody. A fairy.” 

“Already told ya. They call me 
Shootin’ Bill," Freddy said. “If I had my 
six-gun I would demonstrate my dead- 
eye aim, but firearms are prohibited in 
this ward.” He caught the saltshakers, set 
them on the table and dusted himself off. 

“Shootin’ bull is more like it,” Hen 
Pierce said. 

The steel door banged open and Dr. 
Bangladesh stepped into the ward. His 
eyes sparkled and his entire condition 
seemed much improved. "I'm as hungry 
asa bear," he said. His shoes squeaked as 
he walked over to the food carts. 

Marla set down her food tray, fluffed 
out her dress and said, "I'm really feel- 
ing happy today. 1 will dance for you. 
Guys? C'mon!” Marla stepped away 
from the table and began to dance and 
sing, "Have a holly jolly Chri i 
the best time of the year. . 
like a marionette on strings. Her massive 
shoulders became liquid and she let her 
dangling elbows and wrists jackknife 
akimbo. Her shoe leather slapped 
against the hard oak floor. 

Charlie White said, "All right then, en- 


joy yourself. Just remember, it all comes 


to nothing. Our trials and tribulations 
on this earth are lamentable." 

"So does everything come to nothing," 
Dr. Bangladesh said, taking a bite of 
turkey. “Please, Charles, no more of your 
negativity. I've been through absolute 
hell today— 

"And you think I haven't?" Charlie 
White said. He handed Eustace a carton 
of milk and a green plastic bowl filled 
with cellophane packets of saltine crack- 
ers. "OK, Doc, though I've been grazed 
by every form of failure in the world, I'm 
not just your plain ordinary loser, and I 
resent the way you imply that I am." 

Dr. Bangladesh set down his fork and 
picked up a carton of milk. *Have you 
been taking your meds, Charles?" 

“Don't you give me your evil eye, 


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208 


Oscar, the one you learned in Gypsy 
camps in Afghanistan. I've been taking 
my meds—taking my meds, taking 
my meds! There! I've told you three 
times: Yes!” 

“The man takes his meds,” Freddy 
said. 

“For God's sake, Charlie, chill!” Ste- 
phens said. 

Dr. Bangladesh looked over the top of 
his half frames. “We all like the highs, 
but the lows aren't so good, Charles. I'm 
going to have to review your chart. I re- 
ally hope you don't start in with your 
multiple personality shenanigans. I will 
not tolerate it!” 

An orderly from another ward buzzed 
to be let in. He said, “I’ve been looking 
all over for you, Dr. Bangladesh. There's 
a guy on his way in a tow truck. Who's on 
the damn phones, anyhow? I’ve called 
up here a million times.” 

"I'm serving dinner,” Stephens said. 
“Marla, knock off with the dancing and 
sit down.” 

“Triple A? Is on its way?” Dr. Bangla- 
desh said, walking rapidly to the win- 
dow. “Send him up when he gets here. 
The Wienermobile has a flat.” He raised 
up on his tiptoes and looked through the 
mesh wire. “I can't see anything. You can 
never get a cab to come out here, and I 
don't want to be stranded all night.” Dr. 
Bangladesh removed an Allen wrench 
from his key ring, unlocked the protec- 
tive mesh guard and cupped his hands 
on the steamy window. “I can't see any- 
thing! When in the hell is the last time 
anyone cleaned these windows?” 

“Never,” Charlie White said. “Since 
never.” 

The psychiatrist wiped his small hands 
on his white lab coat. “Yech! Nicotine,” 
he said. “It's terrible. A rotten dirty 
mess. Somebody get me some window 
cleaner. Stephens! Call down for some 


window cleaner and some terrycloth 
towels. For crying out loud.” 

Stephens walked over to the call desk 
and picked up the phone. Dr. Bangla- 
desh returned to his meal. Without 
bothering to sit down, he began shoving 
turkey and dressing into his mouth. He 
looked over at Freddy and said, "I make 
no apologies, I like to eat. What the hell. 
I won the pie-eating contest at the 
Fourth of July picnic. No one can outeat 
me. Ate a huckleberry pie, a raisin pie, 
apple, cherry, pumpkin, peach, apricot, 
blueberry. These were good pies. The 
secret to a good pie is the crust. And the 
secret to the crust is lard. When I was 
done, my little belly stuck out like a bowl- 
ing ball. Mr. Stephens, what sort of 
scrumptious goodies do we have for 
dessert?" 

“The spice cake," Charles White said. 
"Or chocolate-flavored tapioca." 

"Give me three of each and call an am- 
bulance," Dr. Bangladesh said. "Hah!" 

"You can't get Freddy to eat anything," 
Mrs. Gordon said. "He's skinny beyond 
belief." 

Dr. Bangladesh took off his half. 
frames, wiping the lenses on his coat. 
“You are anorexic, Dr. Blaine." 

“I got sick in Africa,” Freddy said. 

“Whereabouts? I spent seven years in 
Zaire,” Dr. Bangladesh said. “Before the 
virus.” 

“I was there,” Freddy said, “after the 

virus. 
A staff custodian came into the ward 
with an armful of towels and three spray 
bottles. Dr. Bangladesh said, “Bring that 
stuff over here. I want to show you some- 
thing. Come here. This ward is a mess. 
Look at the lights, for instance. Half the 
bulbs need to be replaced.” 

The custodian looked up at the ceil- 
ing. “Hey! This isn't my area. 1 don't 
even work in this building. I just 


"It's Christmas morning. Where do you think 
I've been all night?!” 


brought up this stuff. They told me you 
wanted it. I'm supposed to be on my 
lunch break." 

Dr. Bangladesh took a towel and a bot- 
tle of window cleaner and went over to 
the first alcove. He said, “Some people, 
professional cleaners, use squeegees and 
a bucket of ammonia water. Some use 
vinegar. That's fine if you're on a sky- 
scraper 100 stories high, where every 
moment is a peril. Ah! What adventure! 
Well, for small jobs like this, nothing 
beats a commercial product like Windex 
or Glass Plus and a good absorbent tow- 
cl." He squirted some glass cleaner on a 
section of the window, stopped to fine 
tune the spray nozzle and began rubbing. 
the window with a towel. "Start from the 
top and work down. I'm too short actu- 
ally and there's no ladder. Fie!" 

Marla got up and went over to the 
doctor. He handed her a spray bottle 
and a towel. "You fold the towel in quar- 
ters, Marla, spray the glass, and work 
from the top down.” 

"I know what to do,” Marla said. With 
her long arms, she was able to cover the 
entire top of the window in a few swaths. 
When she was through she looked at the 
towel. "It's filthy." 

“Turn the towel to a clean surface and 
hit it again," the doctor said. 

“This is the most rotten dirty window 
T've ever seen in my life," Marla said. 

After the second try, Dr. Bangladesh 
handed her a clean towel. “Hit it again. 
Repeat the whole process." 

Marla sprayed the window, and when 
she began to wipe it down the glass 
squeaked. “Hear that?" Dr. Bangladesh 
tucked his right hand in his vest and 
bounced on his toes. "It's squeaking. 
You're finally getting it clean. Ho-yeah!" 

Marla said, "I need another towel. I 
haven't got it all off yet." 

"The patients at dinner fell silent and 
listened to the squeaking of the glass. 

Charlie said, "He's never here. We 
never see him, and now he comes in like 
this just to show off, bossing everyone 
around." 

"Look! Guys!" Marla said. "You can 
see the river. You can see the city lights. 
Cars going by. Cool!" 

Cousin Eustace moved next to Marla 
and took in the view. He said, “Cars pass 
by the window." 

“The nighttime is the right time to 
clean a window, any window,” Dr. Ban- 
gladesh said. “The sun's glare will fool 
you. The nighttime is the right time! 
Heh-heh." Dr. Bangladesh polished a 
section of glass and then handed Cousin 
Eustace a towel. "Wipe down the mesh 
with this wet опе. I don't think these 
windows have been cleaned in 50 years." 

“I want to do another one," Marla 
said. "At last we can see." 

Dr. Bangladesh unlocked the wire 
mesh guards on the next set of windows 
and Marla immediately set to work. 

A few patients got up from their tables 


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and came over to look out the window. 
“Whoa!” Hen Pierce said. “There's ice- 
cycles on them trees. Staglatites!” 

“Stalactites,” Charles White said. 
“Those are stalactites.” 

“There are so many of them,” Pierce 
said. 

At this, everyone got up and went to 
the windows. 

“Don’t just stand there gawking, all 
you lazybones,” Dr. Bangladesh said. 
“Pick up a towel and get to work. I'll 
open the rest of the screens.” 

“This is great,” Marla said. 

“It's fun,” Cousin Eustace said. "I like 
и. Goddamn it! Look at that! A shooting 
star! Right through the trees.” 
aw it,” Marla said. 

“Where?” Hen Pierce said. 

“God! Look! There goes another 
one!” Marla said. 

“Shit, yes,” Hen said. “It lasted too.” 

Dr. Bangladesh said, “It was no hallu- 
cination" He handed Marla another 
towel. "Who did your hair, girl? You 
look, like, great." 

"She looks terrific," Charlie said. "I've 
been saying that all along." 

Mrs. Gordon removed her blazer and 
draped it on the back of her chair “What 
are you doing?" Freddy said 

“I'm going to pitch in too,” she said. 

Freddy said, "Wait until tomorrow: the 
three-day pot hangover.” 

Mrs. Gordon said, "It's like Tom Saw- 
yer whitewashing a fence. That thing. 
It's infectious.” 

“Little Oscar isn't doing diddle,” Char- 
lie said. “All he's doing is just handing 
out towels.” 

"Charlie!" Stephens said. “Quit your 
fucking goddamn bitching all the time 

Mrs. Gordon began to clean the win- 
dowsills. “I wish I had windows like 
this,” she said. “They have to be worth a 
fortune.” 

“Га jump,” Charlie said. “But it’s not 
high enough for suicide.” 

“Make a note, Stephens,” Dr. Bangla- 
desh said. “Mr. White has been tonguing 
his meds. That's why he's so grumpy. 
Heh-heh. Come on, get with it, Charlie. 
We are all having a good time over here. 
It's very simple, you know. Human be- 
ings need to have purpose, we need 
meaning. It always comes down to just 
exactly that.” 

Charlie laughed. "You're the man who 
said it all comes to nothing, that you 
went through hell today.” 

“That was before I ate. All my troubles 
are gone. I feel great. Ah-ho-yeah! It's a 
beautiful night. The windows are clean. 
We've got aclear view. The majestic oaks 
and maples are covered witha profusion 
of genuine ice-crystal stalactites. It's a 
wonderful life. It's just going to get bet- 
ter and better and better, on and on, for- 
ever and forever. Come on, take a look, 
Mr. White. On a midnight clear, you can 
see forever.” 

“You're the one who needs lithium,” 


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White said. “What's with all this big-time 
cheer?” 

“I feel good, man!” Dr. Bangladesh 
said, “Hey, От. Blaine, eat your cake—it 
will make you feel better.” 

“You say it with such conviction.” 
Freddy looked at the cake before him. It 
looked dry and nasty. 

“Trust me,” Dr. Bangladesh said. 

“He's right, Freddy,” Iona said. “You 
have to eat. I don't know what you think 
you're doing.” 

Cousin Eustace said, “Go on, Fred. Eat 
something.” 

Freddy bent forward and took a whiff 
of the cake. It had been hard to single 
out any one particular odor since he 
walked into the hospital. All the odors 
seemed to meld. “A scrumptious goody,” 
he 

“Eat the goddamn thing before I stuff 
it down your throat,” Stephens said. 

Cousin Eustace snagged a piece of the 
cake with his thumb and shoved it in his 
mouth. “Look!” 

“Now I'm really not going to eat it,” 
Freddy said. 

“Eustace ate cake,” Charlie said. “He 
actually ate something new. Hurrah!” 

Cousin Eustace said, “The war in heav- 
en is over.” 

Stephens popped over to the table and 
set a fresh piece of cake before Freddy. 

Marla said, "It's happy cake.” 

Freddy said, "I hate cake." 

Cousin Eustace brought the fruit bas- 
ket up from the back of the ward and 
peeled away the cellophane gift wrap- 
ping. Freddy selected a red apple and 
took a bite. 

"Yeah." Cousin Eustace rubbed his 
hands together with enthusiasm. “Char- 
lie told the old devil to get lost." 

"Good going, Charlie. I knew you had 
it in you,” Dr. Bangladesh said. “Tra-la- 


la! It came upon a midnight clear." 

“It's about time I got a little credit,” 
Charlie said petulantly. He reached in- 
to the fruit basket and selected a Bart- 
lett pear. “Come on, everybody. There's 
fresh fruit.” 

The patients took fruit from the basket 
but then gravitated back to the windows, 
dragging their chairs with them so they 
could sit and look outside. Only the first 
alcove had been done properly. The sec- 
ond had been abandoned and dirty tow- 
els lay all about the floor. Hen Pierce bit 
into a pecled orange and had to jump 
back from the spray. “1 hope there's 
more shooting stars. 1 like them long- 
lasting dudes." 

Outside, headlights from the cars 
passing the state hospital reflected off. 
the crystal daggers of ice hanging from. 
the trees, causing them to shimmer. The 
night air was clear and the star show 
profuse. A hush fell over the patients of 
Ward Six until Charles White broke the 
silence. “It’s a magnificent sight. A good 
omen portending the remission of evil. 
It's Christmas.” 

Freddy said, “The Christmas spirit has 
been eluding me this year.” 

Dr. Bangladesh said, “One of those 
stars belongs to you alone, Doctor.” 

Freddy shrugged. “If one of those 
stars belongs to me,” he said, “I presume 
it to be a dim and unlucky one. A celes- 
tial dud. I will cling to it nonetheless and 
nevermore will I complain.” 

“Look! Another one,” Oscar shouted. 
“A real shooter. Va-boom!” 

Hen Pierce nudged closer to the win- 
dows, licking orange juice from his fin- 
gers. “Those are the biggest, the best 
and the most. Never in all my life have 1 
seen such beautiful staglamites." 


Esmas 


(continued from page 112) 
oversize testicles hung down in full 
view.” 

‘Trout paused again. 

“The police asked the woman where 
the guy was. The woman said she didn’t 
know what guy they were talking about,” 
said Trout. “One of the cops saw the tes- 
ticles hanging down from the rafter and 
asked what they were. She said they were 
Chinese temple bells. He believed her. 
He said he had always wanted to hear 
Chinese temple bells. 

“He gave them a whack with his billy 
club, but there was no sound. So he hit 
them again, a lot harder, a whole lot 
harder. Do you know what the guy on 
the rafter shrieked?" Trout asked me. 

I said I didn’t. 

“He shrieked, "Ting-a-ling, you son of 
a bitch!" 

"Irout might have said, and it can be 
said of me as well, that he created carica- 
tures rather than characters. His animus 
against so-called mainstream. literature, 
moreover, wasn't peculiar to him. It was 
generic among writers of science fiction. 

With some trepidation, 1 told Irout in 
the summer of 2001 about my advice to 
a man soon to be expelled from prison. 
He asked if I had heard from this person 
again. if 1 knew what had become of him 
in the intervening five years, or in the in- 
tervening ten years, if we wanted to 
count the rerun. I hadn't and didn't. 

He asked if I myself had ever tried to 
join a church, just for the hell of it, to 
find out what that was like. He had. The 
closest I ever came to that, I said, was 
when my second-wife-to-be, Jill Kre- 
mentz, and I thought it would be cute, 
and also ritzy, to be married in the Lit- 
tle Church Around the Corner, a Dis- 
neyesque Episcopal house of worship. 
on East 29th Street off Fifth Avenue in 
Manhattan. 

“When they found out I was a di- 
vorced person," I said, "they prescribed 
all sorts of penitent services I was to per- 
form before I would be clean enough to 
be married there." 

“There you are,” said Trout. "Imagine 
all the chickenshit you'd have to go 
through if you were an ex-con. And if 
that poor son of a bitch who wrote you 
really did find a church to accept him, he 
could easily be back in prison.” 

“For what?" I said. “For robbing the 
poor box?” 

"No," said Trout, “for delighting Jesus 
Christ by shooting dead a doctor coming. 
to work in an abortion mill." 

I am so old that I can remember when 
the word fuck was thought to be so full of 
bad magic that no respectable publica- 
tion would print it. Another old joke: 


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“Don't say fuck’ in front of the b-a-b- 

A word just as full of poison, suppos- 
edly, but which could be spoken in polite 
company, provided the speaker's tone 
implied fear and loathing, was Сотти- 
nism, denoting an activity as commonly 
and innocently practiced in many primi- 
tive societies as fucking. 

So it was a particularly elegant com- 
mentary on the patriotism and the nice- 
Nellyism during the deliberately insane 
Vietnam war when the satirist Paul Krass- 
ner printed red-white-and-blue bumper 
stickers that said FUCK COMMUNISM! 

. 


And Kilgore Trout said at the clam- 
bake, with Laurel and Hardy in a row- 
boat only 50 yards offshore, that young 
people liked movies with a lot of shoot- 
ing because the movies showed that dy- 
ing didn't hurt at all, that people with 
guns could be thought of as "freelance 
anesthetists.” 

He was so happy! He was so popular! 
He was all dolled up in the tuxedo and 
boiled shirt and crimson cummerbund 
and bow tie that had belonged to Zoltan 
Pepper. I stood behind him in his suite 
in order to tie the tie for him, just as my 
big brother had done for me before I 
myself could tie a bow tie. 

"There on the beach, whatever Trout 
said produced laughter and applause. 
He couldn't believe it! Не said the pyra 
mids and Stonehenge were built in a 
time of very fecble gravity, when boul- 
ders could be tossed around like sofa pil- 
lows, and people loved it. They begged 
for more. He gave them the line from 
“Kiss Me Again”: “There is no way a 
beautiful woman can live up to what she 
looks like for any appreciable length of 
time. Ting-a-ling?” People told him he 
was as witty as Oscar Wilde! 

Understand, the biggest audience this 
man had had before the dambake was 
an artillery battery, when he was a for- 
ward spotter in Europe during World 
War Two. 

“Ting-a-ling! If this isn't nice, what 
is?” he exclaimed to us all. 

I called back to him from the rear of 
the crowd: “You've been sick, Mr. Trout, 
but now you're well again, and there's 
work to do." 

My lecture agent, Janet Cosby, was 
there. 

At ten o'clock the old, long-out-of- 
print science fiction writer announced it. 
was his bedtime. There was one last 
thing he wanted to say to us, to his fami- 
b. Like a magician seeking a volunteer 
from the audience, he asked someone to 
stand beside him and do what he said. 1 
held up my hand. “Me, please, me,” 
I said. 

The crowd fell quietas I took my place 
to his right. 


“The Universe has expanded so enor- 
mously,” he said, “with the exception of 
the minor glitch it put us through, that 
light is no longer fast enough to make 
any trips worth taking in even the most 
unreasonable lengths of time. Once the 
fastest thing possible, they say, light now 
belongs in the graveyard of history, like 
the Pony Express. 

“1 now ask this human being brave 
enough to stand next to me to pick two 
twinkling points of obsolete light in the 
sky above us. It doesn’t matter what they 
are, except that they must twinkle. If 
they don’t twinkle, they are either plan- 
ets or satellites. Tonight we are not inter- 
ested in planets or satellites.” 

I picked two points of light maybe ten 
feet apart. One was Polaris. 1 have no 
idea what the other one was. For all 1 
knew, it was Puke, Trout's star the size 
ofa BB. 

“Do they twinkle?” he said. 

“Yes, they do,” I said. 

“Promise?” he said. 

“Cross my heart,” I sai 


“Now then: Whatever heavenly bodies 
those two glints represent, it is certain 
that the Universe has become so rarefied 
that for light to go from one to the other 
would take thousands or millions of 


years. Ting-a-ling? But I now ask you to 
look precisely at one, and then precisely 
at the other.” 

“OK,” I said, “I did i 

“It took a second, do you think?” 
he said. 

“No more,” I said. 

“Even if you'd taken an hour,” he said, 
“something would have passed between 
where those two heavenly bodies used to 
be, at, conservatively speaking, a million 
times the speed of light. 

"What was it?” I said. 

“Your awareness,” he said. “That is a 
new quality in the Universe, which exists 
only because there are human beings 
Physicists must from now on, when pon- 
dering the secrets of the cosmos, factor 
in not only energy and matter and time, 
but something very new and beautiful, 
which is human awareness.” 

‘Trout paused, ensuring with the ball 
of his left thumb that his upper dental 
plate would not slip when he said his last 
words to us that enchanted evening. 

All was well with his teeth. This was his 
finale: “1 have thought of a better word 
than awareness,” he said. “Let us call it 
soul.” He paused. 

“Ting-a-ling?” he said. 


“Pm sorry, guys, but I can do it faster and cheaper 
^d n Third World ee Ri 


211 


PLAYBOY 


212 


ROBERT DOWNEY ЈК. continua fom зо 


I was talking shit to the people in jail and saying 
things like, “Heads will roll.” Real pathetic stuff. 


DOWNEY: I don't recall. I was trying to 
justify what happened up and down, 
saying, “It looked like my house, right?” 
Then my partner, Joe, laid it on me 
pointedly that it looked nothing like my 
house, that there was an elevator that 
went down into the house. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever gone back and 
said anything to the family who lived in 
that house? 

DOWNEY: 1 still haven't, but 1 should. 
Hopefully by December I'll say some- 
thing to the lady. 

PLAYBOY: What was it like to be in the 
tabloid crosshairs? 

DOWNEY: Thus this. [He holds up the middle 
finger he displayed for paparazzi] But in my 
mind, the only thing that mattered was 
that I had left my bags in that neighbor's 
house. My drugs were in those bags in 
that house. Get me my property. 
PLAYBOY: So, actually, the media were a 
small concern? 

DOWNEY: It was just another hurdle be- 
tween me and the next hit. 

PLAYBOY: Then you found yourself be- 
fore an unamused judge. The same 
judge who had sentenced you one 
month earlier, when you were caught 
with drugs and a handgun. 

DOWNEY: [Us the unfortunate aspect of 
addictions and disease: In the face of all 
logic and your heart's desire to clean up 


is a low, distant hum in the background. 
I remember my lawyer saying after the 
first incident, “You can't make any mis- 
takes from here on in.” 

PLAYBOY: But you did. 

DOWNEY: I wanted to stop. I really want- 
ed to. Stopping isn't hard. Not starting 


^ At that point, you'd become 
emaciated. How much did you weigh? 
DOWNEY: One thirty-eight. ГЇЇ never for- 
get it. 

PLAYBOY: What are you now? 

DOWNEY: One seventy. And sadly, I loved 
138. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

DOWNEY: I felt like a spider. I could do 
anything. I say sadly because there's a 
part of me that still, to this day, romanti- 
cizes what was going on. Not only was I 
at zero body fat, I was starting to get 
down to zcro muscle mass. Then it 
would have bcen zero bone mass, and 
then what would have happened? A 
strong wind and—pixie dust. 

PLAYBOY: The judge sent you to rehab af- 
ter that infraction. 

DOWNEY: Yes. I went to Exodus. 

PLAYBOY: Wlicic you also estaped. 
DOWNEY: Exactly. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get out? 

DOWNEY: Like a velociraptor. Remember 
in Jurassic Park when they were systemat- 


| 
ШШ 


ШДЕТ 


“Tt has further come to this committee’s attention that 
the children of several key government officials have received gifts 
from you in the past year. Do you care to 
comment on that, Mr. Claus?” 


ically checking the fence for weaknesses? 
There were three or four off-duty police 
officers there, making sure I didn't go 
anywhere. The mistake that was made, 
in my estimation, was that I was woken 
up and given Valium and coffee, which is 
a low-grade speedball. Then I was alert 
and relaxed. 

PLAYBOY: And ready to check out. 
DOWNEY: Again, it's so crazy. The thought 
that went through my head was, I have 
to make this a short run. Somewhere in 
the back of my head, though I wasn't 
consciously aware of it, I knew that 1 had 
been told: “If you leave here, you are go- 
ing to jail. The only place you're going 
from here is jail," and I said, “1 don't 
think so." There was a swect, dedicated, 
kind man who I had taken into my con- 
fidence. I asked him to get me more cof- 
fee while I took a shower. There was onc 
window that opened, so I opened it and 
hurdled, 

PLAYBOY: The star became a fugitive. 
DOWNEY: I'm wearing my hospital pants, 
a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of slippers, 
and I went into a yacht store and first 
asked about some boating equipment. 
"That must have been quite a sight. And 
then 1 asked the sales guy if he could 
kindly call me a taxi. 

PLAYBOY: Did he know who you were? 
DOWNEY: Yeah. In fact, he asked me if I 
wanted the taxi at the back door. And off 
I went. I don't —I'm not at liberty to say 
what happened after that. But let me put 
it this way: Things were about to get 
much more serious. Judge Mira had had 
enough of me, and rightly so. I thank 
God for him, really. He was way — 
PLAYBOY: Pissed? 

DOWNEY: 1 don’t mean there was a per- 
sonal vendetta or anything, but it was 
like, Forget it. He showed me what reali- 
ty was. 

PLAYBOY: He put you in jail. How was it? 
DOWNEY: It wasn't until Га been in for 
two days that I realized what had hap- 
pened, I wasn’t quite myself yet. So I was 
talking shit to the people in the jail and 
saying things like, “Heads will roll.” Real 
pathetic stuff. 

PLAYBOY: But jail made an impact? 
DOWNEY: Yeah, that did it. It was just hor- 
rible, being in jail. It was only for ten 
days, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 
PLAYBOY: If you hadn't been forced to 
stop, what would have happened to you? 
DOWNEY: I don’t know. So many things 
could have happened. I could have had 
a real God shot. I could have hurt some- 
body, and then it would no longer have 
been a victimless-crime situation, I could 
have died—that was always a possibili- 
ty—but I always felt that wasn't my des- 
tiny. The worst thing was that I would 
have continued indefinitely. 

PLAYBOY: Later, you described your prob- 
lem to Diane Sawyer on national TV. 
Why did you feel the need to publicly ab- 
solve yourself? 

DOWNEY: I don't know. I just liked Diane 


Sawyer. Also it was а way to get the af- 
ternoon off from dishwashing duty at 
rchab. 

PLAYBOY: Were you happy with what 
aired? 

DOWNEY: It was all right, ycah. She was 
nice about it. 

PLAYBOY: You also hosted SNL. A bold 
move, but there was criticism that you 
might not be taking things seriously. 
DOWNEY: I don’t think you can take it se- 
riously unless you joke about it. I'm sus- 
picious of stoicism. 

PLAYBOY: You're neither stoic nor defen- 
sive about any of this stuff. 

DOWNEY: I don't think you're ever re- 
formed, and I guess there's nothing 
worse than a reformed smoker. I'm not 
that yet. So it might 
not be over, you 
know? 1 don't even 
know. I hope it is. I 
just don't want to 
come off like I feel 
I'm impervious. 
PLAYBOY: What was 
your family's reaction 
to your problems? 
DOWNEY: My mom 
was pretty much 
there for the whole 
thing, and I just re- 


PLAYBOY: You spent all your money, 
didn't you? 

DOWNEY: It’s really easy to get ahead of 
yourself, and everything is so remark- 
ably incremental. You make a movie, the 
checks come in every couple of weeks. 
It's not likely I would have sat down and 
said, “OK, let's get down to the nitty- 
gritty of money management.” It's a 
good idea. 1 almost went bankrupt last 
year, but it costs 50 grand to go bankrupt 
nowadays. 

PLAYBOY: It scems surprising you got that 
close. 

DOWNEY: It was easy. 

PLAYBOY: Because you spent so much on 
drugs? 

DOWNEY: That was the least of it. It was 


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PLAYBOY: How has all this changed you? 

DOWNEY: I was changing throughout it 
all anyway. In some ways, I'm less moti- 
vated now than I was when I was the lov- 
able tornado. But I'm resilient. 

PLAYBOY: When John Belushi was spiral- 
ing downward, the word was that people 
actually gave him drugs to keep him 
working. Did people make it easy for you 
to stay on the wrong road? 

DOWNEY: Nobody made it easy for me. 
Everybody made it more difficult, and 1 
raced to the challenge. 

PLAYBOY: Are hard drugs really prevalent 
in Hollywood? 

DOWNEY: No. Well, it depends on who 
you're talking about. I think all it takes 
is a handful of folks 
messing with the 
brown to kick up a 
big dust cloud. It’s so 
high profile. 

PLAYBOY: You've said 
you want to direct. 
Do you E that from 


3 think so. 
Also from watching 
fellows I admire and 
watching fellows 1 
despise. The movie 
l want to direct is 


member her saying, 
"Kid, the truth is the 
truth." I think every- 
body was fairly re- 
lieved that I was in 
jail for a while, be- 
cause it's difficult not 
to sober up in jail. 

PLAYBOY: You have 
made nearly 40 mov- 
ies. Are you rich? 


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DOWNEY: No, not for 
long. But when I was 


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spend tons of money, 
and all of a sudden you never wash your 
own car, you don't make your own bed. 
But it’s all for a price. When your 
phones get fucked up, you don't go 
down to AT&T. Some guy drives out. 
PLAYBOY: You grew accustomed to the 
high income? 

DOWNEY: Yeah, and believe me, if ever 
someone found the transition to boy 
king an easy one, it was me. No one ever 
sat me down and said, "Here's how you 
build your own little empire." I was very 
much left to my own devices, and as 
James Woods said when we were doing 
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extravagant purchases and no moder- 
ation. When we had Indio, we bought 
a house. I didn't want to be driving 
around in a Porsche with a baby seat, so 
we got a Mercedes. Then we wanted a 
Defender. The Defender had too short a 
wheelbase—I'd never bothered to test- 
drive it—so I traded that for a Discovery. 
Impulsive stuff. But it’s just so bother- 
some to penny-pinch and sit down and 
go over it all. Now I am more apt to 
do that because, given my druthers, 
I wouldn't have done any films t 
PLAYBOY: You would have taken t 
DOWNEY: You bet. And done something 
else. I can't say 1 don't have remorse 
about not thinking, planning ahead. But 
that’s just how it is now. I have no fuck- 


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out-of-body experi- 
ence. The dogs run 
away, and he doesn't 
get any of them back. 
He's serendipitous- 
ly abducted and tak- 
en to Long Island 
to hang out with a 
bunch of his old 
high school friends. 
Irs a big ensemble. 
It's kind of dark. 

PLAYBOY: When will this happen? 
DOWNEY: 1 can probably do it next 
spring. In some ways the drive is to keep 
me doing what's convenient, which is be- 
ingan actor for hire. But I have to finish 
the script. Гуе gor to. 

PLAYBOY: It sounds more difficult for you 
than acting. 

DOWNEY: I think it’s a lack of motivation 
to get down to the toughest gig in the 
world, which is writing. And yet I love 
it more than anything else—writing, 
painting and music. 

PLAYBOY: Is acting ever hard for you? 
DOWNEY: It’s only hard for me when I 
think that the environment isn't con- 
ducive, because then I just feel hatred. 213 


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Deep. seething rage. 

PLAYBOY: Does it manifest itself. or do 
you keep it in? 

DOWNEY: It’s not appropriate to rage. 
Too bad. 

PLAYBOY: But you always hear of actors 
throwing fits and tantrums 

DOWNEY: Well, I never set that precedent. 
То do it now would be really untimely, I 
think. They would say, *He must be hav- 
ing a rough time. He's just getting back 
on his feet." 

PLAYBOY: Do you mean that they would 
not take you seriously? 

DOWNEY: Why should they? 

PLAYBOY: The documentary The Last Par- 
ty was your tour through the Democratic 
and Republican national conventions. 
Did you come away loving politics? 
DOWNEY: No. It was exhausting and 
pointless. 

PLAYBOY: What about Clinton? 

DOWNEY: I hear that he's actually done 
more than most administrations do. 
[Suddenly Downey, remembering an earlier 
thread in the conversation, changes the sub- 
ject) But Га have to say that aside from 
having had a concealed weapon, which 
was not loaded and which I had a permit 
for—and by the way, the bullets were 
where they were supposed to be, which 
is in the glove box. . .. The only reason 
they called it a fucking concealed weap- 
on was that it was under the seat. But 
what am I supposed to do, put it in a 
gun rack? What's more, I’m in a truck. 
What am 1 supposed to do, put it in the 
flatbed in back and have it rattling 
around? That would be subtle. Nothing 
I did deserved punishment or corrective 


measures or anything. America is fuck- 
ing ass-backward with respect to a lot 
of stuff. 

PLAYBOY: Like what? 

DOWNEY: Punishing people for drug de- 
pendency. Drug trafficking, maybe. Peo- 
ple are dying around that. People are 
dying around drug dependency too, but 
look at Holland. It has one of the darkest 
histories of mankind. But they're not 
judgmental. I think they’re perfectly 
aware of man’s inherent desire to alter 
his consciousness. 

PLAYBOY: You wrote and recorded the 
song Smile for Chaplin. Do you want to 
record more music? 

DOWNEY: Yeah, 1 have enough for about 
two albums, 50 songs, and then a whole 
musical too. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk some more about 
your movies. Tell us what comes to 
mind. One Night Stand? 

DOWNEY: Thin as a rail. 

PLAYBOY: Danger Zone? 

DOWNEY: Five hundred grand for two 
weeks, 

PLAYBOY: Home for the Holidays? 

DOWNEY: Loved the trailer. 1 mean my 
trailer. That was one of my favorite 
movies, ever. 

PLAYBOY: Restoration? 

DOWNEY: Wildly difficult and somewhat 
rewarding. 

PLAYBOY: Richard III? 

DOWNEY: Somewhat difficult. lan McKel- 
lan asked me to be in it. 1 loved him. 
Fitty grand, two weeks. 

PLAYBOY: Hail Caesar? 

DOWNEY: One day, with Michael Hall. 
Genius scene. He was directing. 


“This year, my wife gave me a really big Christmas 
surprise —she came out of the closet.” 


PLAYBOY: Natural Born Killers? 

DOWNEY: Tour de force. Loved shooting 
in prison. 

PLAYBOY: Heart and Souls? 

DOWNEY: Real fine, San Francisco, lots of 
money, Deb was pregnant. Probably опе 
of the best times in my life. Good movie. 
PLAYBOY: The Last Party? 

DOWNEY: Never need to go to another 
convention, thank God. 

PLAYBOY: Short Cuts? 

DOWNEY: Played my first creep. Fond 
memories. 

PLAYBOY: Chaplin? 

DOWNEY: Finest performance given by an 
actor in the 20th century. 

PLAYBOY: Too Much Sun? 

DOWNEY: Working with Dad. Always a 
pleasure. 

PLAYBOY. Chances Are? 

Downey: Ryan O'Neal, sake festival. 
PLAYBOY: True Believer? 

DOWNEY: Learned much from James 
Woods. 

PLAYBOY: Less Than Zero? 

DOWNEY: Speaks for itself. Awesome. 
PLAYBOY: Back to School? 

DOWNEY: Hair hell. 

PLAYBOY: Weird Science? 

Downey: Serial dumper. 

PLAYBOY: Care to explain? 

DOWNEY: I was the serial dumper. I defe- 
cated in a fellow castmate's trailer, much 
to the chagrin of Bill Paxton and Robert 
Rusler. It was a real bad scene. Joel Silver 
freaked. I never admitted it. Joel said, 
“Downey, did you do it?" And I said I 
wish I had. Because I'd been threaten- 
ing everyone that if they didn't treat me 
right, I was going to take a dump in their 
trailer, or that I'd go take a shit in Joel's 
office on his desk or something. 
PLAYBOY: Whose trailer? 

DOWNEY: Kelly LeBrock's. 

PLAYBOY: Was ita dump with some sort of 
provocation? 

DOWNEY: No. It was the serial dump. 
Random turds. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel you have anything 
to prove to Hollywood or to the movie 
business, to restore their faith in you? 
DOWNEY: That's a real dangerous as- 
sumption for me to make, you know, As 
far as I'm concerned, if 1 had stopped in 
1992, I would have done all I needed to 
do. Now, I don't even have to prove any- 
thing to myself. I know I can do all these 
other things. It’s not like I'd like to take 
up the piano or maybe take a course at 
NYU. I know how to do all the other 
things I want to do. And I've proved that 
to myself without having endeavored to 
finish or complete any of them. It's just 
time to step up the stakes for myself. Be- 
cause otherwise ГЇЇ just wind up de- 
pressed and anxious, and Ill be in jail 
again shortly thereafter. 

PLAYBOY: So you can't really say it’s over? 
DOWNEY: No. All it would take would be 


45 minutes. 


CES PARADE 
(continued from page 94) 
Kevin gets some gel from his station 
and begins rubbing it into the man’s 
hair. Kevin is tall and thin, with long 
blond hair cut like Prince Valiant's. He 
was Versace's hairdresser at Oribe, on 
the corner of Collins and Ninth. The 
walls of Oribe are decorated with giant 
paintings of naked mermaids. 

“1 was called to their Bal Harbor store 
one evening to do Donatella's hair," says 
Kevin. "She liked what I did so I was 
summoned to their house one day to do 
Versace's hair. He was down-to-earth. So 
shy. Which made me not nervous. After 
that, he got me this job with Oribe.” 

Kevin blow-dries the man's silvery 
hair, fixing it just so with his fingertips. 
“The murder was an awful thing,” he 
says, “I'm afraid celebrities will be fearful 
about coming here now. They thought it 
was so free before.” 

The silver-haired man thanks Kevin 
for his haircut and goes to the front desk 
to pay his bill. The haircut costs $75. He 
leaves Kevin a $10 tip. The last haircut 
Andrew Cunanan got in South Beach, at 
Supercuts, cost him $11. He didn't both- 
er to get a shave because after he mur- 
dered Versace he let his beard grow as a 
disguise. 

"I heard they were going to sell the 
house,” says Antonio Martucci in his ac- 
cented English. “The family can’t bear to 
liye there now and be reminded every- 
day of the murder.” Martucci is standing 
behind the bar of his restaurant, Farfalla. 

“I heard Mike Туѕоп was gonna buy 
it,” says a man, eating linguine with clam 
sauce at the bar. “The furnishings and 
everything for $45 million.” 
heard that, too,” says Martucci. 
“But I don't think the family will sell 
to him.” 

Farfalla is an old-world Italian restau- 
rantin the middle of South Beach where 
Versace used to order pizza and, on oc- 
casion, stop for an early dinner. 

“He'd come in at 7:30 р.м.," says Mar- 
tucci. “He'd sit by the window with his 
boyfriend. He was a quiet person, not 
like a typical Italian. You know how we 
are—we scream. His sister, now, she 
wore lots of gold and talked a lot.” 

Martucci says Versace tended to fre- 
quent mostly Italian places in South 
Beach (“Not gay places,” he says) be- 
cause they reminded him of his birth- 
place, Reggio Calabria. Martucci points 
across the street, at an ice cream store, 
Cocco Fresco. 

“After dinner he always stopped there 
for a gelato because the owner was Ital- 
ian. But now it's owned by Middle East- 
erners.” He shrugs. “Versace loved it 
here because he wanted to re-create 
Italy in South Beach.” 

After dinner at Farfalla and a gelato 
at Cocco Fresco, Versace liked to walk 
north on Washington Avenue so he 


could window-shop. On rare occasions, 
he'd stop in the gay bar Twist for a glass 
of wine. Cunanan stopped in Twist, too, 
the day before he murdered Versace. 

It's an innocuous-looking bar, no dif- 
ferent from any other bar except that its 
customers are all men. A blonde woman 
stops in not long after the murder. One 
of the patrons questions her. 

“Are you lost?” 

The woman says, “No.” 

“Then you must be a tourist.” 

“No.” She looks annoyed. 

“Don't you know what kind of a bar 
this is?” 

“Yes, I know.” She finally tells him she 
is there because she’s doing research on 
Versace for a magazine article. 

“Oh, yes, he stopped in here once or 
twice. Very quiet. Then he left. I heard 
the family is going to sell the house. I 
hope someone beautiful buys it.” He 
shrugs. "But who cares?” 


Andrew Cunanan also frequented the 
late-night dance clubs Warsaw and Liq- 
uid, which he'd heard Versace frequent- 
ed. But according to Versace’s friends 
and employees, the stories that made 
the rounds were not true. At one time, 
perhaps, but not after the mysterious 
change in his lifestyle that happened sev- 
eral years ago. 

“He never went to such clubs,” says 
a servant. “He would go only as a cour- 
tesy to guests. Oh, I'm sure he had a wild 
side when he was younger and it served 
him well." 

“He used to go to clubs like Warsaw 
in his early years in South Beach," says 
"Tara Solomon, the Miami Herald colum- 
nist known as "the queen of the night." 
But, she adds, "not after he got sick." 

A few years ago, the press reported 
that Versace was suffering from a form of 
inner-ear cancer. It was also rumored he 
had AIDS. When he appeared healthier, 
he was quoted as saying he was thrilled 
to have more life to live. But he was dif- 
ferent, more sedate, quiet. Perhaps Ver- 
sace had come to feel uncomfortable in 
the world with which he had become 
identified. 

South Beach club behavior is “freaky, 
unabashedly hedonistic and decadent," 
says Solomon. "The scene encourages 
uninhibited behavior that many people 
believe is spiritually bankrupt.” Solomon 
has covered the scene for several years 
and has strong opinions. “You Know, 
Versace came here to get inspiration. He 
drew as much from the beach as we did 
from him. South Beach existed before 
he got here and he just knew a good 
thing when he saw it.” 

Tara Solomon is a short, curvaceous, 
40-year-old woman with unlined, ghost- 
ly white skin. She doesn’t wear clothes, 
she wears costumes. And she doesn’t 
much like Versace’s colorful shirts. “I 
mean, you can't wear Versace every day,” 


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she maintains. 

Solomon, dressed like Irma la Douce. 
arrives at Liquid at two A.N. " 
so dark, loud, smoky and dirty, 
“To strangers it's just another dark club. 
But dark places are appealing to celebri- 
ties because they can be anonymous in 
them." The music is deafening. Couples, 
mostly women (it's “girls night at Liq- 
uid), are dancing in the smoky darkness. 
Solomon moves around the dance floor 
to a banquette and sits down. Around 
her, girls in black leather and bustiers 
are kissing. Tough-looking Hispanic 
boys walk past, staring at the girls. The 
crowd looks as if it was plucked en masse 
from a Calvin Klein ad. One guy, shirt- 
less, is wcaring his pants so low around 
his hips that his assiduously ruffled pu- 
bic hair is showing. There's a porno- 
graphic cartoon playing on the wall be- 
hind Solomon. “These people come to 
distract themselves,” she says, shouting 
to be heard. “ "s what it’s all about. 
Distraction and denial. They think that 
the: invincible. They reinvent them- 
selves every night.” 

‘Tara sees Ingrid Casares, the club 
owner, who is famous as the gal pal of 
such celebrities as Madonna and K.D. 
Lang and Versace. Ingrid looks like 
a Latin Audrey Hepburn, with closely 
cropped black hair and big black eyes. 

Recently she hosted a party for Lang, 
who had to share billing with RuPaul. 
Lang sat in the same banquette Tara 
ıs sitting in. She complained about the 
music. 

“I hate fucking disco," Lang said 
“Then, “Jesus, it’s fucking cold.” 

When it was time for Lang to take the 
stage with RuPaul, Casares led her 
through the crowd. RuPaul was talking 
into the microphone. Finally RuPaul 
handed Lang the mike and she thanked 
the audience for coming and returned to 
her seat. A man asked her, “How does it 
feel to be upstaged by a no-talent drag 
queen?” 

Lang said, “The fucking shit I got 
to do. Tomorrow I go to an AIDS bene- 
fit” She raised her eyebrows. “On Ivana 
Trump's yacht.” 

When Cunanan went to Liquid dur- 
ing his stay in Miami, he reinvented him- 
self, too. He struck up a conversation 
with some drag queens, telling them he 
was working on a research paper for 
graduate school. 

I's 3:30 a.m. when Solomon leaves 
Liquid for the short walk around the 
corner to the gay men's club Warsaw. 
The atmosphere inside Warsaw is not 
much different from Liquid's, except 
that all the clubbers are boys. The huge 
ballroom dance floor is packed with 
what Tara calls “genetically blessed and 
testosterone-filled boys,” shirtless and 
muscular, dancing manically as if there 
will be no tomorrow. Solomon shouts 
above the din, “More people have a need 
to lose themselves than they do to find 


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PLAYBOY 


218 


themselves.” She walks past the stage 
where a lone, muscular guy, wearing 
only a gold lamé G-string, is gyrating 
and thrusting his hips at the dancers be- 
low him. 

‘Tara goes to the upstairs bar and or- 
ders a drink. “They usually have ama- 
teur strip nights on Wednesdays,” she 
says. “Just good clean fun.” Tara prefers 
gay clubs to straight clubs, she says, "be- 
cause I feel protected. Gay men are 
peacemakers. Gay clubs are also more 
uninhibited when it comes to sex.” 

One local straight bachelor says he 
loves to go to Warsaw with female dates 
because “when they see two men hay- 
ing scx it turns them on. They get so 
aroused, they're all over me.” 

Versace liked to go to Warsaw, too, be- 
fore he “got sick.” He would come with 
some “pretty young boys,” according to 
Max Blandford, Warsaw's manager. Ver- 
sace shunned the VIP sections and pre- 
ferred to spend his time in the trenches 
with the wildly dancing boys. 

e 


It’s 4:45 in the morning and there's 
still a line of clubbers trying to get in- 
to Liquid. The streets are crowded 
with young women and men, their eyes 
glassy, staggering down the sidewalks. In 
the street in front of Liquid, a policeman. 


has handcuffed a man who is bent over 
the hood of his car. Across the way the 
13th Street parking garage entrance is 
crowded with homeless men. 

The 13th Street garage is where Cu- 
nanan parked the red Chevy truck he 
stole from William Reese, the man he 
killed in New Jersey. It's also where 
he ran to change his clothes after he 
murdered Versace. 

At five л.м., the late-night clubbers 
wander down to the News Café for 
breakfast. The café is still playing loud 
dance music over its speakers. When the 
last of the late-nighters leaves after six 
o'clock, a woman with gray hair comes 
out with a hose and begins hosing down 
the tables, chairs and sidewalk. The 
stereo speakers switch to soft and sooth- 
ing chamber music. The breakfast wait- 
ers begin to arrive. 

The older, carly-morning crowd be- 
gins to arrive a little later. Men in jog- 
ging shorts and flip-flops and women in 
spandex bra tops, shorts and sneakers sit 
down with their newspapers and order 
coffee. This is the crowd Versace was a 
part of when he left his mansion on the 
morning of July 15. He talked bricfly 
with a waitress and began walking back 
toward his mansion at 8:40 a.m. He was 
unaware he was being followed by a di- 
sheveled, backpack-toting man wearing 


“Thanks a lot, Tiger!” 


a white baseball cap, a white shirt and 
black shorts. 

When Versace got to the stone steps of 
his mansion at 8:42 a.m., the man follow- 
ing him spoke to him, according to wit- 
nesses. Then the two men began to tus- 
sle. Versace tried to pull away from the 
man. The man pulled out a gun and 
shot Versace in the head. As Versace fell 
to the steps, the man aimed his gun at 
him and shot Versace a second time in 
the head. Then he turned and calmly 
walked away. 

Inside, Versace's chef was preparing 
his breakfast (waffles and fruit). Antonio 
D'Amico heard the shots. He came run- 
ning out the front door to find his lover 
dying on the steps. He screamed, “Gian- 
ni! Gianni!” Then he saw the killer walk- 
ing away. He ran after him, shouting. 
The killer turned and leveled his gun at 
D'Amico. D'Amico stopped, backed off 
and ran back to his dying lover. 

Inside the mansion, a servant was 
screaming into the telephone at the 911 
operator, “A man’s been shot!” 


What did Cunanan say to Versace 
when Versace reached the steps to his 
house and began to open the wrought- 
iron gate? 

Perhaps it was, “Gianni, it's me! Don't 
you remember?” 

Versace turns to see a man who has 
fallen on hard times. Even if he had once 
met Cunanan when he had been а pam- 
pered young lover of older men, Versace 
probably would not have recognized 
him now. To Versace, this man was prob- 
ably just another of those annoying peo- 
ple who accosted him because he was fa- 
mous. “1 refuse to be molested,” Versace 
once said. “I put a DO NOT DISTURB notice 
on my life." So Versace turns to the man 
and says, "No, I'm afraid 1 don't know 
you." He turns to go through the gate. 

“But we met once. You must remem- 
ber. You must!” 

The stranger reaches out a hand to 
grab Versace's arm. To make him re- 
member. To force him to stay there until 
he does remember. And when he does, 
when Versace's face breaks into a broad 
smile, and he says, “Oh, of course, now 
I remember. How are you? Come in. 
Come into my life,” then the stranger's 
life will be righted again. He will return 
again to that privileged, indulgent life of 
his recent past. 

But Versace does not remember. He 
tries to pull his arm from the younger 
man's grasp. In that instant, rebuffed 
again by a wealthy, older gay man, Cu- 
nanan becomes infuriated. Without 
thinking, without having planned it, һе 
reaches for his gun. He points it at the 
older man's head and pulls the trigger, 
as so many spurned suitors have done in 
the heat of rejected passion. 


PLAYMATE SNEWS 


She is Miss May 1992, 1993's Play- 
mate of the Year and the star of 
countless PLAYBOY pictorials. In mov- 
ies she was an eye-popper 


Е РЕТ 


in To the Limit and Naked Gun 33%. She 
was an advertising phenom in Guess 
jeans, then created a furor in Sweden 
with sexy underwear ads. She mar- 


will be 27 on December 11. 

Sondra Theodore—Miss July 1977 will 
be 41 on December 12. 

Eleanor Bradley—Miss February 1959 
will be 50 on December 13. 

Venice Kong—Miss September 1985 
will be 36 on December 17. 

Judy Tyler—Miss January 1966 will be 
50 on December 94. 


keted her own fragrance called Live. 
And she plans to appear in PLAYBOY 
again in the future. Moving away 
from intrusive publicity about her 
personal life, it was only a matter of 
time before Anna Nicole Smith be- 
came a chanteuse. Her new CD sin- 
gle, My Heart Belongs to Daddy (BMG/ 
France), is a club hit. Her inspiration? 


KIMBER WEST: 
^| had wanted to be o Playmate 


since | was five. If you have the 
some fantasy, go for it." 


Marilyn Monroe, of course. Will 
there be more Anna Nicole tunes? 
She's considering recording a CD 
that would feature songs she's written 
as well as covers of some of her 
favorites. So far Anna Ni- 
cole's single and the ac- 
companying video are 
available only in Europe, 
but you can ask to order 
them through the import 
department of most 
large music stores. If 
they get enough re- 
quests, surely they will 
respond. Then you'll be 
singing My Heart Be- 
longs to Anna Nicole. 


Anno Nicole's European 
media blitz included lots 
of radia and club play, 
plus interviews ond re- 
views in Gala (a People- 
style European mogo- 
zine), Cine-Tele Revue 
[о Belgian weekly en- 
tertainment magazine) 
end Tele 7 Jour (Ihe French TV 
Guide). Merci, Anna Nicole. 


PLAYMATES' FAMOUS 
HUSBANDS 


Marilyn Monroe—Joe DiMaggio 
and Arthur Miller 

Dawn Richard—David Wolper 

China Lee—Mort Sahl 

Dolly Read—Dick Martin 

Ann Pennington—Shaun Cassidy 

Patti McGuire—Jimmy Connors 


Vicky McCarty 

Vicki McCarty—Jimmy Iovine 

Tracy Vaccaro—Fred Dryer 

Karen Velez—Lee Majors 

Kimberley Conrad—Hugh М. 
Hefner 

Pamela Anderson—Tommy Lee 

Deborah Driggs—Mitch Gaylord 

Shauna Sand—Lorenzo Lamas 

Nikki Schieler—Ian Ziering 


CHICAGO AND NEW YORK PARTY HARDY AT С! 


OURCON 


Five decades of Playmates traveled to bath New York and Chicago for Glamourcon 1997. 
Aside from signing everything under the sun, the Playmates chatted online and had their 
pictures token. Joining in the fun (clackwise from left) is Miss August 1993 Jennifer Lavaie, 
showing same leg. Miss August 1991 and 1992 PMOY Corinna Hamey and Donna Ed- 
mondson, Miss November 19B6 ond 1987 PMOY, say “Cheese!” Miss June 1969 Helena 
Antonaccia is in the pink. Miss November 1982 Marlene Janssen and Barbara Edwards, 
Miss September 1983 and 19B4 PMOY, are picture perfect. Miss April 1993 Nicole Wood, 
Miss May 1993 Elke Jeinsen, Miss February 1995 Lisa Marie Scott and Miss September 


1963 Victoria Valentina await their fons. 


Fast cars, streamlined jets, sleek 
weapons and the talents of beautiful 
women playing undercover agents 
make director Andy Sidaris’ latest 


E NEWS 


night party, but I was curious as to 
how it turned out. I approached one 
of the Playmates the following day 
and asked, “Did you go to the party?" 

She looked a bit stunned 


1966-1967: $2,500 


1968-1969; $3,000 $250 bonus 
1970-1977: $5,000 1982-1997: $100,000 and 
1978-1983: $10,000 an automobile 


straight-to-video movie, Return lo Sav- 
age Beach (Monarch), a nonstop ad- 
venture. Miss September 1993 Carrie 
Westcott plays So- 
fia, a double agent 
on a treasure hunt, 
while May 1994 
Playmate Shae 
Marks is cast as 
Tiger, a techno 
whiz and one of 
five operatives in 
pursuit of the 
horde of gold. The 
film, number 12 in 
Sidaris’ body of 
work, uses his for- 
mula of brains, 
beauty and brawn. 
The shoot took 
Carrie and Shae 
from Louisiana to 
Beverly Hills to 
Hawaii. Thanks 
to our Playmates, 
good triumphs 
over evil. Look for 
the movie in video 
stores soon. 


Carrie Westcott 
(top), Shoe Marks 


1 attended Glamourcon in New York. 
As a working photographer from the 
Boston area, I enjoyed myself very 
much. I wasn't able to attend the first- 


SAMANTHA TORRES: 
“Ihave traveled, met great people 


and developed a lot of confidence. 
ҮЙ need c dose af it to succeed in 
California.” 


1960-1963: $150 plus 


and it was only after I re- 
peated myself that 1 realized 
that she thought 1 had 
asked, “Did you go to the 
potty?” in my Boston ac- 
cent. We never talked 
again.— Dave Ferreira, Som- 
erville, Massachusetts 


It was a big thrill to meet 
four of my ten "desert is- 
land Playmates" at Chicago 
Glamourcon. What a sur- 
prise that Playmates Terri 
Welles, Kym Malin, Cathy 
St. George and Janet Quist 
all remembered my letter, 
which appeared here in 
May.—Raymond Benson, 
raymben@aol.com 


Playmates are more beautiful than 
most Miss Americas, and the best part 
is that there are more of them—12 
per year. But what sets Playmates 
apart is their accessibility. They at- 
tend all sorts of events, from auto- 
graph signings to Glamourcon.— 
John Olson, olsonoslo@aol.com 


“Maybe I'm biased, but I prefer the 
Sixties pictorials to those of the 
Nineties. We didn't have any stylists 


or makeup artists. 
Mostly it was just 
photographer Pom- 
peo Posar and me. 
It was Pompeo's 
idea to dress me up 
like a Christmas tree 
for the December 
1968 cover. The light- 
bulbs got very hot. 1 
was trying to be professional, but 
when I took the dress off, I was speck- 
led from the bulbs." —cyNrHiA MYERS, 
Miss December 1968 


“J mailed photos of myself to PLAYBOY 
and was called in 
for a test shot. 1 was 
18 and thought it 
would be a great ex- 
perience. The peo- 
ple at PLAYBOY made 
me feel so comfort- 
able. My stepfather 
had a subscription to 
the magazine, which 
is how I first saw it. Getting chosen 
was like winning the sweepstakes."— 
CHRISTINE RICHTERS, Miss May 1986 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Our Playmate News spies ran into 
Jason Priestley after Miss June 
1997 Carrie Stevens appeared 
on Beverly Hills 90210: The cast 
was so impressed with Car- 

A rie that she was asked to 
shoot more episodes. . . - 

Miss November 1954 

Diane Hunter has re- 

[СУ surfaced. Appearing at 
— Glamourcon this year, 
Diane said she had no idea her 
picture had been purchased by 
PLAYBOY until a few years after it 
тап. “Now, with all the interest in 
vintage Playmates, I'm excited,” 
she says. . .. Look for Miss Janu- 
ary 1955 Bettie Page to tell her 
story in PLAYBOY next year. . . . IF 
you want a copy of Miss Novem- 
ber 1966 Lisa Baker’s brochure 
of current photos, write to her 
at PO. Box 8522, Midland, Texas 
79708. . . . Collectors who want 
autographed photos of Play- 
mates but don't want to write to 
Web sites or fan clubs should 
contact O'Neill's Auto- 


graphs, 


Monique on Edsel 


608-221-3998. O'Neill's 
Web site is www.pin-ups.com. . . . 
Monique Noel, Miss May 1989, 
did some rough riding in Mon- 
tana last summer for charity. She 
practiced the sport of cutting— 
singling out a cow from the 
herd—for St, Jude Children's 
Research Hospital. . . - Ellen 
Michaels, Miss March 1972, has 
started a vintage toy, poster and. 
pin-up business. Write to her at 
PO. Box 1757, New York, N.Y. 
10021. ... Look for Holly Witt, 
Miss November 1995, on the 
cover of the current newsstand 
special Playboy's Bock of Linge- 
. Miss October 1997 Layla 
Коры a partin the Bruce 
Willis movie Armageddon. . . . 
Miss February 1997 Kimber West 
makes a guest appearance on 
ТУ Mike Hammer. 


PLAYBOY HOME меё" 


ПЛ /{ 


| you think you've seen Farrah Fawcett, think апай: > 
Playboy's special collector's edition video, -Farrah 
Fawcett: All of Me, is an electrifying look al this extraor- 
dinary woman. From mega-selling poster girl toangelic x 
television star to powerfully acclaimed actress, her 

beauty, style and sensuality have captivated millions.” — , 
Now she's revealing her most provocative side. Farrah 
Fawcett: All of Me features exclusive behind-the-y 
scenes video from her two best-selling PLAYBOY. 
pictorials, a candid interview and sizzling never , ç 
hefore-seen footage. You haven't seen Farrah until x S 74 
you've seen Farrah Fawcett: All of Me. Running time © Я. ^ 
T2 minutes. $ KRG 


NOW ON VIDEO 


Available at-your local music and 
video stores. " 


smgoody On Cue s 
^ musician С SUNCOAST 


Nu TT 


TO ORDER, CALL TOLL-FREE 800-423-9494 4 
‘Charge to your Visa, MasterCard, American Express of ПЕМ. 
Most orders shipped within 48 hours. (Source code: 70359) 


70 ORDER BY MAIL 

Use your credit card and be sure to include your account number and 
‘expiration date. Or enclose a check or money order payable to Playboy. 
Nail to Playboy. РО. Box 809, Dept, 70359, Itasca, IL 60143-0809. 
There is a $4.00 shipping and handling charge per total order. Illinois residents 
include 675% sales Lax. Canadian residents please include an additonal $300 per 
йет болу. по other foreign orders ot currency accepted 


181997 life net inc. Ml ons Reserved: PLAYBOY and RABBIT HEAD DESIGN are radi 
(rd use under Vers rom Pisytoy Esteras, Inc 


THERE'S A PLAYBOY AT THE PALAC 


For those special moments when we find ourselves 
pampered by elegance, and feeling like a PLAYBOY, there's 
а cigar by Don Diego to heighten the enjoyment. 

The PLAYBOY cigar, meticulously hand-crafted with rich 
flavor and aroma, enhances any setting, wherever you 
might smoke it. 


Light one up! Let it bring out the PLAYBOY in you. 


The PLAYBOY cigar by Don Diego 
in five styles 


ON-THE 


N 


x C ENIE 


——НОМЕ, SWEET HOME THEATER— 


uying a jumbo TV is just a small step in the big-picture 

process of building a home theater. It's the stack of black 

boxes—and the speakers—that will bring your movie ac- 

tion to life. Start with video sources. From a software 
standpoint, the VCR remains the backbone of today's home enter- 
tainment system. A basic model will cost уси less than $200, but 
for a few hundred more, you can buy one with refined head tech- 
nology and noise-reduction circuits that 
give your picture extra punch. Other fea- 
tures to look tor include automatic clock 
set (which eliminates that blinking 12:00) 
and commercial advance (circuitry that 
fast-forwards through commercials on 
prerecorded tapes) nt a screen image 
that looks as good as Uma Thurman in 
Batman & Robin? Check out the new digi- 
tal video disc format. More than 200 
movies are available on DVD, and first 
generation players cost less than $1000. 
For an equally flawless picture, consider a 
digital broadcast satellite setup. Primestar 
and DSS are the top DBS alternatives 
With either, be sure to request a “dual 
feedhorn antenna.” With that you'll be 
able to watch the 160-plus channels of 
movies, music and sports on more than 
one TV. And don't rule out a laser disc 
player just yet. More than 10,000 movies 
are available on LD, and prices of LD 
hardware and software should start to 
drop now that DVD is a reality. You'll also 
need an audio/video receiver to control 
the sounds. Today's choices include a ha- 
sic model with fcur-channel Dolby Pro 
Logic Surround sound ($200-plus) and 
one with 5.1-channel Dolby Digital, a 
home version of the crystal-clear sound 
used in the best movie theaters. Receivers 
with Dolby Digital start around $800 and 
come with four or five sets of inputs (рег- 
fect for a growing system). Whichever way 
you decide to go, make sure the machine 
pumps power evenly to all channels. And 


Bell'Oggetti's AR-880 metal rack unit ($600) 
is stacked (bottom to top) with Yamaha's 
seven-channel RX-V2092 audio/video re- 
ceiver with Dolby Digital processing ($1600); 
Pioneer’s DVL-700 laser disc, DVD and CD 
player ($1000); Uniden's UDS 100 DSS re- 
ceiver ($349); RCA’s VR730HF hi-fi VCR 
with technology that skips commercials on 
prerecorded tapes ($700); and Sony's 
MDR-IF420RK wireless headphones ($170). 


2 
Š 
š 


think balance when selecting speakers, too. An ideal set will de 
ploy the same drivers at all five speaker locations. Called timbre 
matching, this practice ensures that the sonic size of Tyrannosaurus 
rex remains the same as he storms through your living room 
Speaker packages with a bass-summoning subwoofer start at $400 
from such companies as Bose, JBL, Technics, Sherwood and Cer- 
win Vega. As with all things in life, spend more and you will get more. 


Garden of Earthly Delights 
Thal's SHALOM HARLOW working the runway 
for British designer John Galliano's winter 
couture collection. Demi Moore is s 
and probably not at the evening dress. 


Seasoned to Perfection 
With their most recent CD, Brand 
New, and an upcoming tour, SALT- 
N-PEPA are having a blast. Guest ap- 
pearances by Sheryl Crow and 
Queen Latifah spice up an album of 
rap and R&B. Sprinkle and serve. 


The Heel Deal 


Baywatch's TRACI BINGHAM has cov- 
ered the beach, but not in this outfit. 
Aside from her steady TV gig, she has 

appeared on The Young & the Restless, 
Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Married 
With Children. We're ready for CPR. 


Hands Up 


STACEY SWALL appears in That Thing You Do, Glimmer Man 
and LA. Confidential, but you probably know her best from 
a network TV commercial for Tylenol. To know her better, 
rent her recent Hot 
Body video. 


Hollywood 

or Bust 

Acticsses MARIA CONCHITA 
ALONSO (above) and ELLEN 
BARKIN (left) each have a star- 
ring role in their dresses. Look 

for Alonso in Catherine's Grove 

and Barkin on video in Mad Dog 
Time. We'll give our awards 

to the fashions. 


Pipe Dreams 
The CD Villains, by Michigan's alternative band the VERVE PIPE, has 
gone platinum, and vocalist Brian Vander Ark says his next goal is to 

write the perfect love song, one “without clichés, without pretension.” 

To do it, the band will have to come out—of the lockers, that 


POTPOURRI 


A z ^ THE NAKED 
TRUTH DRINKER'S SMOKE 

Looking for an excuse From the company that made its mark in 
to play doctor? Try the the bourbon business comes a full-bodied 
Body Caliper. No, it's cigar, the Maker's Mark Robusto. Each 
not a kinky sex toy, but stogie is aromatically flavored (the bour- 
the device, which mca- bon never touches the tobacco) and 
sures your muscle-to- placed ina glass tube to lock in taste. ‘fo 
fat ratio, can be almost order, call the Maker’s Mark catalog at 
as much fun. Use the 800-680-7890. Price: $105 for ten, $243 
device to measure the for 25 or $133 for ten in a humidor. If 
skinfolds of the biceps, you're not a puffer, MM offers bourbon- 
triceps, shoulder blade laced chocolates and a gourmet sauce, too. 


and pelvis. Then com- 
pare the numbers to 
the fitness chart that 
comes with the Body 
Caliper. (Ideal body fat 
percentage for men is 
15, and for women, 22. 
Studies show this is the 
best way to determine 
one's fitness level.) If 
your own love handles 
are a little too promi- 
nent, think positive: 
You're in a great posi- 
tion to burn calories to- 
gether. Price: $59, 
which will get you an 
instructional video, il- 
lustrated manual and a 
protective case. Call 
888-881-988 1. == 


TALE ОЕ А JAZZ CLUB 


In Paris after World War Two, the place 
to be was Aerobleu ("the spirit of cool”), а 
swank jazz club where Dizzy and Miles 
hung ош. OK, so the club is fictional. But 
that hasn't stopped Less Than 7, the сге- 
ators of Aerobleu, from licensing a line of 
books (Martini Diaries, Observations From 
the Bar), stationery, posters, barware and 
more to celebrate this imaginary watering 
hole. Call 213-848-7012 for more info 


A WELL-HUNG SANTA 


We always knew Kriss Kringle was a closet biker. Now the Cavanagh 
Group International, a Harley-Davidson licensee, has come out with a 
line of collectibles that combines Santa and cycles. Featured are teddy 
bears togged out in Harley gear, and Christmas tree ornaments of San- 
ta aboard an Electra Glide. Our favorite is a black leather boot-type 
stocking with fur-and-metal trim that you can hang by the chimney in 
hopes of, say, a new timing chain or rearview mirror. Price: $50. Call 
226 770-643-1175 for information on the nearest retailer. 


BUCKLE UP AT THE MALL 


While your girlfriend shops till she drops at Minnesota's Mall of 
America, you can check out Silicon Motor Speedway, the interac- 
tive, virtual reality auto-racing center on the mall's third floor. 
Endorsed by top Nascar racers Dale Earnhardt and Rusty Wal- 
lace, the speedway offers 20-minute experiences in which drivers 
race against 29 other “cars,” simulating speeds up to 200 miles 
per hour. Price: $7.50 for driver; $3 for crew/spotter. 


THE GRAPES OF MYTH 


How better to present a fa- 
vorite vino from your cellar 
than in a bust of Bacchus, the 
Greek god of wine? Hand- 


crafted by artist Eric Kaposta, 
the signed, limited-edition 
wine bucket is made of cast 
stone with a waterproof ter- 
ra-cotta finish. It can hold a 
magnum bottle, in case your 
evening is extra festive. Price: 


$150. For more information 
or a catalog featuring other 
unusual Kaposta creations, 
call Bon Ton Inc. in Houston, 
Texas at 800-247-3550. 


AU 


CHOO-CHOO CHRISTMAS 


When it comes to Christmas memories, the name Lionel is right 
up there with Rudolph and Frosty. Just ask Тот McComas, cre- 
ator of the video A Lionel Christmas. With footage of legends in ac- 
Чоп (including the Lionel Hudson and the Santa Fe), original TV 
commercials, archival scenes of family life and holiday music, the 
55-minute program blasts you back to the Fifties faster than you 
can say caboosc. Price: $19.95. Call 800-892-2822 by December 
18 for Christmas delivery. Other train tapes are also available. 


HOLIDAY WHODUNITS 


Fraud, theft and murder may not be traditional 
Yulctide themes, but they make great reading 
in A Classic Christmas Crime, a 189-page сойсс- 
tion cf 13 festive mystery stories by some of 
¡guing writers (including PD. 
James, Simon Brett and Peter Lovesey). The 
tome is edited by Tim Heald and distributed by 
Trafalgar Square Publishing. Price: $22.95. To 
order, call 800-423-4525. 


„ZA 
— 


CHRISTMAS 


TIME IS ABSTRACT 


Ло announce a Parisian art exhibit in 1948, Pi- 
саззо made posters adorned with The Face, the 
famous print below. Now The Face can be worn 
on your wrist. The newest addition to the Picas- 
so Watch Collection, it has the trademark Picas- 
so buckle and a white or yellow case (designed 
by PLAYBOY Art Director Tom Staebler), and it 
comes with a matching jewelry box (shown). 
Price: from $165. Call Global Trading Indus- 
tries at 800-825-8228 to order. 


N 


NEXT MONTH 


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